# Wife won’t tell the details



## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

The details don't matter. She broke the relationship with you..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In your place I would simply say that unless she tells you everything the marriage is over. Also tell her that you want her to take a lie detector test after she tells you as well to make sure she isn't lying.
At the very least I would want to know who he is. Is he married. How long did it last. Where did they meet. Did they ever have sex in your home. Who ended it and why.
If he is at her work then she has to leave.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So are you doing the Fred Astaire or the Michael Jackson version of the pick me dance while she disrespects you for accepting the unacceptable?


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

I feel like I’m going crazy not knowing details. I know my wife loves me. I don’t understand why she with holds details. Do other people have a deep desire to know details. Am I wrong for questioning. Why wife tells me it ended but can’t give me details.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

sometimes I feel overwhelming depressed simply because I feel like she’s keeping secrets.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I feel like I’m going crazy not knowing details. I know my wife loves me. I don’t understand why she with holds details. Do other people have a deep desire to know details. Am I wrong for questioning. Why wife tells me it ended but can’t give me details.


She may not want to tell you what she was willing to do for him that she isn't willing to do with you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why do you think your wife loves you when she was slapping nasties with another man?
You’re projecting your feelings for her onto her.
She doesn’t feel the same way and is going to continue hurting you deeply.
I beg you to start detaching or you’ll keep suffering.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> The details don't matter. She broke the relationship with you..


She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She can but won't. If she wants you to stay then she must tell you. You have to be strong and tell her that you aren't going to stay unless she tells you everything. 
If she can't say it to your face then ask her to write it all down. Write down all the questions you want her to answer. 
Could it be her AP is someone you know well? 
Set down the conditions of you staying, one of them being she must tell you all of it. Second if it's with someone at work she has to leave. 
If he is married please tell his wife. She must give you access to all her phones, laptops etc.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


You can't forgive unless you know what it is that you're forgiving, so you're not wrong there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


How can you possible think of forgiving when you have no idea what she did?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


If she was truly sorry she would tell you what you want to know. If she really loved you she wouldn't have cheated and she wouldn't be lying to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.


If course she remembers. Do you know who he is? Where they met? How long it lasted? If he is married?


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

I guess my question is has there been someone else that has survived without knowing the details. Right now I feel depressed enough to jump out the window.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I guess my question is has there been someone else that has survived without knowing the details. Right now I feel depressed enough to jump out the window.


You can survive without details if you divorce her, because you can assume the worst that you can imagine. However, you can't forgive her if you dint know what you're forgiving.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Dougk61 said:


> My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.





Dougk61 said:


> Does anyone else have those feelings.





Dougk61 said:


> Do other people have a deep desire to know details. Am I wrong for questioning.





Dougk61 said:


> Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


No, you are not wrong, weird, crazy, etc. for wanting to know the details. 

When my wife cheated I wanted to know _everything_. Thats pretty common. Some people dont want the details and thats okay as well. You do need to think about why you want the information though, and if you are just pain shopping. 

Your wife absolutely remembers the details, she just doesn't want to tell you. She needs to understand why you need the details and that her opinion on it is irrelevant. 

Reconciliation is not possible if she refuses to take the steps necessary, including full disclosure.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


Give her the ultimatum.........."full disclosure or pack your bags"!She'd be gone regardless if I was in your shoes.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

I feel if my wife truly feels terrible, she would sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Tell me how it started. What her role was. Details. And how it ended. I hav e promised her I wouldn't get angry if she would just include me in. It’s like she wants her sexual encounter to remain their personal encounter, not mine


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> No, you are not wrong, weird, crazy, etc. for wanting to know the details.
> 
> When my wife cheated I wanted to know _everything_. Thats pretty common. Some people dont want the details and thats okay as well. You do need to think about why you want the information though, and if you are just pain shopping.
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife’s betrayal has emotionally broken your self esteem and self motivation. It’s common. This is a hugely traumatic thing.
Get some help from a professional. See your doctor for some anti anxiety meds. 
The only way to deal with a cheating wife is to go nuclear on her. If she loves you as you say, she will do ANYTHING to make things right with you. Please don’t think she’s the only woman on the planet of 8 billion people that you can love. That thought process enables your wife to abuse you emotionally.
If she cared about losing you, she’d do whatever it took. If you cheated on her, wouldn’t you? Yeah, you wouldn’t cheat. She did. Change your mindset.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Dougk61 said:


> I feel if my wife truly feels terrible, she would sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Tell me how it started. What her role was. Details. And how it ended. I hav e promised her I wouldn't get angry if she would just include me in. It’s like she wants her sexual encounter to remain their personal encounter, not mine


Do not make promises that you cannot keep.

Also begging and pleading won't help at all.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Thanks evinrude58. You make me feel somewhat normal. I am literally thinking suicidal thoughts knowing she knows the details, tells me she loves me and it’s over but then wants to exclude me on details. I’m outside her circle.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

I am 100% positive I would not get upset at her for what she did. It was a situation she just got caught up in. I was at work. Easy situation to go through with it and ask for forgiveness after. I feel like if she would just sit down and go through the story once, I could forget and move on. Her skipping the details is what is unbearable.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why would you commit suicide over a woman who drops her panties for sundry men and refuses to tell you what you need to know to forgive? If she loved you, she would want to end your suffering. As it is, she only loves herself. 

She is not worthy of reconciliation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just want to tell you that you’re not the first man that’s felt this way. I’ve been there. The pain is there immediately when waking up, all day, thinking about it when you go to sleep. It never ends. You feel like it never will.
Don’t think that way.
Realize that even though she’s your whole World now, it is crazy to think you can’t find another woman to love and possibly one that is faithful. They’re out there. Your mind is zoned in on this woman that you can’t get out if your head and you don’t want to have to change your life and move on. You can. Yes, it hurts, and it hurts so badly. I’m not going to tell you it can go away fast. It won’t.

But if you stop trying to shove water back in a hose, you can start building a new life. Start working on something you can depend on and trust— YOU.

Work on getting a new certification or degree in your field of work. Meeting new people. A new hobby you’ve always wanted to try.
See a doctor about your severe depression/anxiety over this. Nobody teaches anyone how to handle this. It’s the hardest thing to deal with.

You shouldn’t have to ask your wife for anything after what she’s done to you. She should be volunteering. She isn’t, so act accordingly and start detaching from her.
I know you don’t want that. I know how you feel. Be the man your parents raised you to be, the man you want to be, and take this anchor from your neck and toss it away. Just let her go. When you do, she will either pursue you heavily or she will continue to run.
Your wife is running. She’s not trying to make amends. You chasing will push her away.

you’ve got to get the inner strength back that she robbed you of. How you feel today is not how you will feel in the future. You WILL overcome this if you put your mind on it, and start moving forward rather than bolting your feet to the floor.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details. 

facts: I had a friend stay the night in the living room. I woke up the next morning and went to work. They had the sexual encounter while I was at work. She told me afterwards. She seemed sincere and was crying. she admits it was consensual and it was exciting at the time but she knows it was wrong. she can’t remember any details.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No. Are you kidding? No she remembers every detail. Wouldn’t you?
Please stop trying to make excuses for what your wife did.

I have to ask:
Why would you let this “friend” sleep on your couch and then leave him alone with your wife sleeping?
I realize that one shouldn’t expect a friend to bang your wife, but this all sounds so odd.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

I think she wants to have a special secret with this other man and I’m the third wheel out. I think it makes her feel connected to my exclusion. I love her with all my heart And I think she loves me but she somehow has (1) really forgotten details by blocking this out. or (2) she wants her special connection with this other man for unknown reasons. 
Interestingly, she gets mad when I want to have a non confrontational discussion about the encounter. It’s my bad for keep bringing it up.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She cheated on you and you’re worried about HER getting mad. Do you see this?

not acceptable.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

E. It was completely unexpected. I left and I thought he would be leaving right behind me. Never crossed my mind he would sneak into our room. Never crossed my mind my wife would consent. I now look foolish.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Dougk61 said:


> My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.


Well, she destroyed any relationship you two had. 
Lying, letting another man have her physically then coming home and sleeping next to you with his scum still on her. 
Betrayal to the deepest levels.
Selfishness that is off the charts.

Don't be a sap and go for the "boo-hoo, I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything, I love you.....I won't do it again" trap. 

You'll be stuck with those images of them together in your head tormenting you. You'll be stressed and worried, playing detective that she where she is and doing what she says she's doing for the rest of your life. 

This one is defective, damaged and broken. Move on. Find your peace and hopefully a better woman in the future.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Again, why was he there. I don’t think this was a one-off event


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

He has since apologized for the encounter. I forgave him and we have not spoken since. We are no longer friends I did not lower myself to ask him any details.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.
> 
> facts: I had a friend stay the night in the living room. I woke up the next morning and went to work. They had the sexual encounter while I was at work. She told me afterwards. She seemed sincere and was crying. she admits it was consensual and it was exciting at the time but she knows it was wrong. she can’t remember any details.


Dude.

This is bull sheeeet. 

She knows 100% every detail, every act, every word, every sensation, every emotion. She is just lying. Lying. Lying. 
She just wants to sugar coat it and not tell you......because IT IS BAD and it will embarrass her and make it more definite you'll just divorce and leave. 
You should divorce and leave REGARDLESS but she DOES know the details. 
"could she have forgotten?" You've got to be kidding me. 
WAKE UP.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I think she wants to have a special secret with this other man and I’m the third wheel out. I think it makes her feel connected to my exclusion. I love her with all my heart And I think she loves me but she somehow has (1) really forgotten details by blocking this out. or (2) she wants her special connection with this other man for unknown reasons.
> Interestingly, she gets mad when I want to have a non confrontational discussion about the encounter. It’s my bad for keep bringing it up.


Your wife is a serial cheater and this will keep happening. Not giving details just means she has no interest in explaining herself to you. She does not love you in spite of the words coming out of her mouth.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

E. We invited him and his kids to dinner the night before. His kids and our kids watched a movie and fell asleep. He also fell asleep on the couch. My wife and I just went to bed and left them all out in the living room sleeping. Next morning I left for work before anyone woke up. I expected kids to wake and everyone goes home.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dougk61 said:


> He has since apologized for the encounter. I forgave him and we have not spoken since. We are no longer friends I did not lower myself to ask him any details.


If An ass beating didn’t preceed the apology, then you didn’t go about getting it right. Damn.
Surely you realize if your wife let a guy just come in her room and bang her that she’s not even emotionally connected to, she’s a slore.
You should divorce her .

if she knew him well, she’s been having an affair with him.
You won’t tell why he was there. So I’m assuming an affair.
Divorce her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.


Just file for divorce. The details are irrelevant and knowing them will just make you more misersble. She will never tell you the truth anyway. Get done with her ASAP, she preferred another to you. The percent of marriages that recover from infidelity as evidenced by these forums is tiny. Spend your life with new horizons rather than wasting it with a chester.

Lawyer up ASAP


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I feel like I’m going crazy not knowing details. I know my wife loves me. I don’t understand why she with holds details. Do other people have a deep desire to know details. Am I wrong for questioning. Why wife tells me it ended but can’t give me details.


How can you even think she loves you??!!?? This is just wishful thinking. She let another man inside of her body how many times?? How does that show she loves you?? Is she still doing him?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Dougk61 

here is what happened

1- it didnt just happen - sexual interaction between a married a woman and a man takes time to build. they both had done something in the past or had a nonsexual affair and/or both had crush on each others. unless her raped and she is protecting him

2- she is not telling you the details because it was planned, she had done some things with him that she wouldnt do with you. such as Anal sex

3- she had sex on your own bed without protection. 

Check her phone records - try to retrieve deleted messages.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

She's a liar and a cheater and continues to lie. Why would you want to stay with such a woman?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> E. It was completely unexpected. I left and I thought he would be leaving right behind me. Never crossed my mind he would sneak into our room. Never crossed my mind my wife would consent. I now look foolish.


So it was in your bed as well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.


No it isn’t.



Dougk61 said:


> E. It was completely unexpected. I left and I thought he would be leaving right behind me. Never crossed my mind he would sneak into our room. Never crossed my mind my wife would consent. I now look foolish.


Omg they did it in your bed?!?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> I guess my question is has there been someone else that has survived without knowing the details. Right now I feel depressed enough to jump out the window.


Sigh..

So sorry, my friend....

That window has already been dived through.
She dove through and on the way down.....was caught by that lover she enjoyed.

She said the man got her excited.
That tells it all.

He got her body and mind warmed up and ready.

There are only so many ways that a man and a woman can make love.
He was a new man, and a new experience.
It was a new tingle, she got.

They did them all.
He likely asked her what her favorite position was, and did that each time.

He watched her face and her response and concentrated on doing that.

The bottom line is that she was bored with the romantic and sexual life she had at home and wandered.
She willingly exposed her bottom line to him and he went to town on her.

Why won't she go into detail?
It would only further hurt you. It sounds like she was selfish, disloyal and unkind, but not evil.

This sounds like an exit affair to me.
She is unhappy in the marriage and she burned her bridges and her britches.

She may want you to step up your game by this firing a cannon over your bow.

Forget about the damn details, you know the general facts.

Do you want her, now?
Another man's penis has been inside her.
Can you live with this?


_Are Dee-_


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Dougk61*

From your posts you seem to be like a just-caught fish flopping around in the bottom of the boat

Ask yourself - what kind of "love" does a woman have for a man when she is willing to share body fluids
via all her (guessing) body orifices? (with someone not her spouse)

Why she won't tell details - it matters to some - others, not so much. If you need some mental stimulus on what they did, go surf the Internet "Porn" sites for a bit. Anything humanly possible has been photographed and/or video captured and posted. There are "Webcam" sites and I would bet there is at least one with couples (any combination of genders!) doing the fluid swapping.

Kids really muck up the decision process. Anything you do will affect them. Leaving the house/wife is a fairly obvious hurtful to your kids thing to do. Staying - the hurt not so much. But, your behavior towards your cheater will change you and maybe in a very subtle manner. THAT will affect your kids. (BTDT) - 

For starters - I would go to your favorite divorce lawyer and spend the $$ to have seperation-leading-to-divorce documents created and filed with the appropriate court (or whatever applies where you live). You can cancel or "continue" - filing for final decree is not a mandatory part of filing.

That is a hard line and fixes your position. The cost in $$ is really cheap relative to your mental health and future happiness. Just do it -

Next - don't ask her what to do to help you "heal." (if that is really possible?) - let her figure it out. If she REALLY
changes and DOES figure out she just Effed up major and WANTS to stay married, she will find out what to do.

For heaven's sake DO NOT start Marriage Counseling! Right now you have just a sham of a "marriage." 
Maybe your spouse/wife can benefit from Individual Counseling? (IC) but that is never a for sure or for certain way
to fix someone with bovine scat integrity. IC must be vetted as having experience with "Infidelity."

Get a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and read it twice. Teach yourself how NOT to be "walked over."

I suggest you take a week vacation - maybe take your son (you have one?) on a trout fishing trip? Guides
can provide the fishing gear. If is a lot of fun and quite a bit of skill to learn. A guide will take you where even a beginner will be able to snag a fish or two. Every person I have ever seen has had a fit when catching their first fish.

The trip will help you clean your mind as your spouse will not be "in your face" constantly reminding you of the fun
she had.

You also must assign to yourself the realization that, no matter how your life proceeds, you have this memory of her with another male which you have to learn to put in a place in your memory such that it won't forever be a sharp pain. 
It will always be there and "many of us" have learned to live with it. Some of us, stayed. Some of us divorced.

You get to choose - give yourself several months of time to ruminate - right now I'm sure the pain in your chest is fairly sharp. It will dull with time. 

Also note - you may endure and stay only to find yourself years later "throwing in the towel." Be assured you won't be the first to trod that path either.

so
Check your phone bill for what she has been doing
Check all your credit cards and anything else she could do that could make financial trouble for you
Get thee to a doctor for a complete *sexually transmissible disease* set of tests. Then do it again six months later.
Consider separate sleeping accommodations - "Hysterical Bonding" will Foul-UP your rational thinking.
Possible this isn't the first time? Think about that. . . Possible your kids not really yours? Another poser . . .
Consider DNA verification regarding 'father paternity.' Another angle - the blood types of parents limit the blood type the child can be. Check out that too - cheaper than DNA tests. 

Buckle in for a long and rough ride on this roller coaster - 

If your spouse was/is willing to do the "deed" with her children in the house - just consider how she may or has behaved
when you and/or children not around. Re-examine your life with her and maybe your picker needs some work too?

Sorry to see you have joined our less than joyful land of experiences.




Dougk61 said:


> I feel like I’m going crazy not knowing details. *I know my wife loves me.* I don’t understand why she with holds details. Do other people have a deep desire to know details. Am I wrong for questioning. Why wife tells me it ended but can’t give me details.


Do you really want "the kind of love" your wife is giving?
Beware of self-delusion


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So it was in your bed as well.
> [/QU
> 
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No man enters a woman’s bedroom for sex unless he already knows it’s a yes. 

She’s been down this road before. He’s likely not the first guy to cut your grass OP.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I know my wife loves me


And Earth is flat, of course.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.
> 
> facts: I had a friend stay the night in the living room. I woke up the next morning and went to work. They had the sexual encounter while I was at work. She told me afterwards. She seemed sincere and was crying. she admits it was consensual and it was exciting at the time but she knows it was wrong. she can’t remember any details.


 she is lying. She remembers every detail in it's entirety.


Dougk61 said:


> He has since apologized for the encounter. I forgave him and we have not spoken since. We are no longer friends I did not lower myself to ask him any details.


 Forgave him? Should have flattened him!


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I’m outside her circle.





Dougk61 said:


> I think she wants to have a special secret with this other man and I’m the third wheel out





Dougk61 said:


> I think it makes her feel connected to my exclusion.





Dougk61 said:


> she wants her special connection with this other man for unknown reasons.


OMG!
And you need this translated?
I don´t blame you for asking to know but IMO the above ones are the details that count.
And you already know them.
Run Dougk, run!


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

In the marital bed of all places. I'd throw the bed out on the lawn with her in it and a sign reading...."free bed and skank" ......"bring your own truck or trailer"!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks evinrude58. You make me feel somewhat normal. I am literally thinking suicidal thoughts knowing she knows the details, tells me she loves me and it’s over but then wants to exclude me on details. I’m outside her circle.


Why would you want to harm yourself over someone who doesn’t care about you? Her actions tell you what you need to know. Words really don’t mean all that much.
Yon can only be a chump if you allow it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> It’s like she wants her sexual encounter to remain their personal encounter, not mine



Of course It is their encounter and not yours. Why would you even say something like that? This had nothing to do with you and everything to with them. 

At least at that time she thought he was the Bigger, Better, Deal (BBD) and transfered all her sexual energies to him and you were just the guy that pays bills and picks up the dog poop in the yard. 

She likely even has a level of resentment and bitterness towards you and blames you that she isn’t off living the high life with him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.


No


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship.



OK so let me get this straight. A male friend and his kids came to your house and his kids and your kids played together and you, your wife and he hung out and presumably drank and bullshyted until late at night. He and the kids fell asleep in the living room and then when you left for work in the AM he went into your marital bed and he and your wife got it on. 

With that level of boldness and depravity, they are either the two most wanton and reckless sex fiends on the planet that basically screw everything that moves.......... or this is actually a long term affair that has been going on under your nose for quite some time. 

But here's the rub - in both scenarios the logical explanation for why she came to you and confessed after this particular encounter is because at least one of the kids caught them or was on to them. 

At least one of your kids or one of his kids knew what happened and she was trying to head this off at the pass and spin this into her own narrative (which is working at the moment because you are buying her story)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> E. We invited him and his kids to dinner the night before. His kids and our kids watched a movie and fell asleep. He also fell asleep on the couch. My wife and I just went to bed and left them all out in the living room sleeping. Next morning I left for work before anyone woke up. I expected kids to wake and everyone goes home.


This is my guess.

Aside from the guilt she felt, there might be this:

This may be why she confessed...

She thinks one (or more) of the kids were aware of what went down.
She did not want you to hear it from them.

Children are known, light sleepers.

How careless and disrespectful of these two bozo's to do this with children afoot.

She is an unfit mother, to boot.
Boot her out.



_Lilith-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> OK so let me get this straight. A male friend and his kids came to your house and his kids and your kids played together and you, your wife and he hung out and presumably drank and bullshyted until late at night. He and the kids fell asleep in the living room and then when you left for work in the AM he went into your marital bed and he and your wife got it on.
> 
> With that level of boldness and depravity, they are either the two most wanton and reckless sex fiends on the planet that basically screw everything that moves.......... or this is actually a long term affair that has been going on under your nose for quite some time.
> 
> ...


Ah, we think alike on this..

The get-together gave the two a means to a clever tryst.
They knew you would go to work, leaving them some bed time action.
Yes, it was likely pre-planned.

What time did you leave the house?
Was it really early in the AM?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So to address some of your points -

- No, you are not crazy or wrong to want to know details. Many of the details here are actually important to know so you can make an informed decision on how to proceed from here. Since you are desperately wanting to rug sweep this and carry on as business as usual, it is important for you to grasp the reality here and not just buy into her made up fantasy speech that this just happened and that it is no big deal.......... it is a big deal. 

- She is outright lying to cover her tracks and to pull the wool over your eyes when she says she doesn't remember. She remembers every place he put each finger, she remembers every grunt and groan, she remembers each kiss, she remembers each thrust, and she remembers each contraction of each of their orgasms.... she remembers it all in vivid technicolor. 

- You are in the wrong for trying to not get angry. You are in the wrong for trying to make excuses for her and trying to cover this all up for her and make it comfortable for her. You are being the ultimate beta bich boy here. You are trying to make a warm and loving nest for her to feel comfortable and welcomed in. 

- You need to be doing the exact opposite. You need to be mad as hell and let her know exactly how incensed you are at this whole thing and how disgusted and grossed out by her that you really are. 

And any decent man with a single miligram of integrity and dignity should not give her any reason to believe that he is even considering allowing her to stay in the home or in the marital bed at this point in time. 

You cannot legally assault her, harm her, destroy her property or threaten her physical safety, but you certainly do not have to accept her as being any kind of person you want to associate with other than dealing with custodial matters with the children. 

Right now you are scrambling to try to stay with her and find reasons to not throw her to the curb. 

Your yearning to know details is your humanity and manhood wanting to know the truth even though it will be very painful so you can make an informed decision on what to do. You NEED to grasp the reality so you know what it is you are really dealing with here and not just her appeasements that everything is ok.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I agree wholeheartedly with others that this was not spontaneous or the first time. One or more of the kids either saw something or your wife thinks they did.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Some people want the details some don't, so it is normal either way. If she had true remorse she would truthfully and fully answer any question you ask. Just my opinion, but you are way to forgiving. I don't think it is healthy for you or your marriage. Your wife needs to get individual counselling to figure out why she would allow herself to do this. She also needs to come clean with the details. There is a good chance that they planned this ahead of time. at a minimum, they have been flirting for a while. This also may not be the 1st time for them. If you rug sweep this, it will probably come back to haunt you down the road. Sorry this happened to you. Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you know you are going to dissolve the marriage because someone cheated at all, then you don't need to know the details. All you need to know is that they cheated. 

If you know you are going to stay regardless of what they did or how it all went down, then again you really don't need to know the details. 

The time that the details matter is if you are undecided on what you are going to do and haven't decided if you will remain in the marriage or not. 

So you need to ask yourself where the point of no return is. 

You obviously aren't dumping her because she cheated at all because you are making excuses and trying to comfort her. 

So is there anything about this or anything that she can say that she did that will be a deal-breaker for you? In otherwords if you find out that this has been going on a long time, will that be a deal breaker for you? If you find out she did oral or anal or something she won't do with you, will that be a deal breaker? If you find out they were in love and planning to run off together, will that be a deal-breaker? Is there anything at all that will be more than what you will accept? 

If the answer to that question is no, and you will remain in the marriage and try to carry on as business as usual, then accept her answer that she doesn't remember anything and that everything is ok and you keep being the good little beta boy and don't make trouble. 

But if you do have a limit to what you will accept and there are deal-breakers, then you need to go scorched-earth and leave no stone unturned to find out what is really going on here.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.


Yes, I insisted on the details. Otherwise, my mind would conquer up more than it really was. If she isn’t willing to tell, I would assume she is hiding more. Find a good therapist to work with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

QuietGuy said:


> . Your wife needs to get individual counselling to figure out why she would allow herself to do this.


I agree with the rest of your post but I do not think WWs need any professional assistance in finding out why they cheated. 

She knows darn well why she cheated. She got down with him with the kids in the next room because he was handsome and charming and exciting and he made her jay-jay tingle. In her mind, he was the BBD and she wanted to get it on. It doesn't go any deeper than that. 

The ones that need IC are the BSs that minimize and rugsweep and go through actual denial in order to face the realities of the situation. They are the ones that need assistance in determining why they have such low self esteem and allow themselves to be mistreated and abused and exploited.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

bobert said:


> Do not make promises that you cannot keep.
> 
> Also begging and pleading won't help at all.





Dougk61 said:


> She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.
> 
> 
> I definitely had those feelings. How can you have peace if you don’t know the truth? Will she go to therapy?


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So it was in your bed as well.


I feel for you Doug. Only you know your wife and what your marriage has been over the years. Get professional help.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dougk61 said:


> My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.


It's very common for the betrayed spouse to want to know what happened.

If she and you are trying to work on reconciliation, she needs to understand that she has a lot of work to do and should be grateful to you because her betrayal is going to take work on your part as well.

She needs to write out a timeline, completely covering her affair from start to finish and she should be prepared to answer any and all questions you have about any aspect of it.

Doing so with a mediator of some kind who has experience with infidelity is advisable.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


No, you're not wrong for asking at all and wanting to know. Don't let her make you believe that nonsense. I went through the same and I was made to feel like I was wrong for asking.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dougk61 said:


> I guess my question is has there been someone else that has survived without knowing the details. Right now I feel depressed enough to jump out the window.


There are many cases of infidelity where full disclosure was necessary for any choices to be made. That's your choice, not hers.

She owes you full transparency and answers to all of your questions.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


You simply need to go all hardcore.
Get your ducks in order, and tell her that there is a divorce in her future.
Have her luggage staged, have some nice boxes ready for her, as well as some heavy duty trash bags (don't go cheap.)
If she really has any remorse, more than likely, she will spill.
If you present from a position of strength, you will more than likely get your terms.
If not, then you know that you are truly "Plan B," and you need to dispose of her swiftly and properly.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This one needs to be disposed of.
Remorseless
In their bed
With her kids home
And has been lying for quite a while.
Gaslighting him about “not remembering”

OP, don’t be afraid to divorce her. Your life won’t be over. Your wife has blessed you with the truth of who she is while you still have gone to find someone who truly loves you. She’s screwed you over by tricking you into having kids with her. No reason to keep letting her fool you now that you know the truth


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

She belongs to the streets!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.


Your story is the second one on this site in just a few days, where the wife “can’t remember” the details. Ya’ll are married to master manipulators and you need to leave. I get you have a family but you deserve way better than this. 

But, it’s easy for me to tell you to “just leave” when you need help on how to make a plan to leave. I’d start with seeking legal advice and go from there. I wouldn’t share too much with her as to any “next steps,” but just start working your way to a decision - if you leave, take the right steps and if you choose to stay, do so for the right reasons. I think many betrayed spouses stay out of fear of the upheaval it will do to their families and their own life. But removing a remorseless cheater from your everyday life will have benefits that outweigh that upheaval if you work through it all.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Imagine if her sister slept over and you ****ed her and then you told your wife you couldn't remember what happened cuz you feel so bad. Think she'd believe you?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OP’s wife probably knows he’ll stay with her so why would she tell him the truth. Pretty common.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

thunderchad said:


> She belongs to the streets!


If what she said is true (it’s not), she definitely belongs out on the street. Who lets a man in their bedroom with her kids at home and bangs him, who she’s not even in love with?????

Whoever said one or all of the kids know and that is why she confessed is spot on. Shameful, sad, trashy behavior.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.
> 
> facts: I had a friend stay the night in the living room. I woke up the next morning and went to work. They had the sexual encounter while I was at work. She told me afterwards. She seemed sincere and was crying. she admits it was consensual and it was exciting at the time but she knows it was wrong. she can’t remember any details.


At least understand this. Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy. Your so called friend was and is a snake and should be banned permanently. It could be your wife initiated the sex which is why she’s never gonna tell you. 
Now your problem is she has the capability to cheat. Repeated infidelity happens. It’s not uncommon.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


Here’s the the problem, you’ve already chosen to forgive. You’ve already accepted it. You’ve already decided to keep her even though she screwed this dude in front of the kids. 

If you are already going to accept this, then the details are irrelevant. 

If you are going to stay, then it’s in her best interests to keep the details to herself because the more you know, it will just make you moodier and grumpier,,, why should she mess with that?? 

As I said above, the only time that knowing the details is relevant is if you are undecided on whether to stay in the relationship and need to know exactly what’s going on in order to make an informed decision.

You have already made your decision without knowing what the reality is so you will both be better off not knowing the full extent of what’s been happening. 

You’ll be living a lie and living as a cuckolded beta boy simp. But you’re verbiage and actions have shown that you have already chosen that path.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You care more about the marriage than your wife. A big disadvantage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.


You should just stop torturing yourself and make her your ex wife. She is not worth it. No one is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> sometimes I feel overwhelming depressed simply because I feel like she’s keeping secrets.


Your depressed because you are tying to stay married to an abusive asshole. The sad thing is you think the details are somehow going to make this better but really they are only going to make you more sad. You are an a repeat cycle of misery. Get off the carousel and move on. They aren't worth it.

If you stay on this path you will be writing a post with the exact same tone 20 years from now.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Just look at what you do know at the moment. Your wife and this scumbag waited for you to go to work and then proceeded to have sex in YOUR house, in YOUR bed, and with YOUR children in the home. She says she is sorry, so she should be moving heaven and earth to try to atone for what she did, but she won’t even answer your questions. She doesn’t remember the details, but remembers the lead up and the consenting to the sex. Sure, and Mountain Dew is good for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you want the details then she should give them if she wants to reconcile. Not everyone wants to know everything but many do. Make it a condition for staying with her but realize she may lie about it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dougk61 said:


> I think she wants to have a special secret with this other man and I’m the third wheel out. I think it makes her feel connected to my exclusion. I love her with all my heart And I think she loves me but she somehow has (1) really forgotten details by blocking this out. or (2) she wants her special connection with this other man for unknown reasons.
> Interestingly, she gets mad when I want to have a non confrontational discussion about the encounter. It’s my bad for keep bringing it up.


It ain’t #1.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.


LOL what



Dougk61 said:


> facts: I had a friend stay the night in the living room. I woke up the next morning and went to work. They had the sexual encounter while I was at work. She told me afterwards. She seemed sincere and was crying. she admits it was consensual and it was exciting at the time but she knows it was wrong. *she can’t remember any details.*


That’s a lie.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dougk61 said:


> She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.


She likely did things with him that she hasn’t done and/or won’t do with you, and she knows that, were she to admit this, you’d be even more hurt and, as a result, more likely to divorce.

How long ago did this happen?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

There may be a lot of incorrect assumptions being made here. Not every man objects to his wife banging another guy. Remember CiCi1990? He may be mad that he wasn't around to watch.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> There may be a lot of incorrect assumptions being made here. Not every man objects to his wife banging another guy. Remember CiCi1990? He may be mad that he wasn't around to watch.


There was a recent thread on here where the husband was enthusiastic about his wife doing multiple other men.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> At least understand this. Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy. Your so called friend was and is a snake and should be banned permanently. It could be your wife initiated the sex which is why she’s never gonna tell you.
> Now your problem is she has the capability to cheat. Repeated infidelity happens. It’s not uncommon.


Thanks M878, I know he crossed the line big time. He took advantage of my trust. So did my wife. I honestly believes she regrets the sexual encounter.I feel like if she would come clean with the whole story, how it happened, what happened etc I can move on. It’s the secrecy and refusal to discuss details that is killing me. She can’t even have a decent conversation. Her MO is to start crying or getting emotional, no details, and blames me for not moving on. I don’t know who started it. I don’t know how he entered the room. I don’t know if she even said “this is wrong”. I don’t know the different positions or who did what. I don’t knee if they met a few times after (Although she claims no) I don’t know how it ended. Who said what. My wife just wants me to believe her statement that’s it’s over and it wont happen again and I am a pervert for asking details. My mind is spinning and I fall deeper and deeper into depression. I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife. She’s my best friend. I have never cheated on her since the day we married 40 years ago. I want her. No one else I just want to know why she did what she did, what she did and then I can move on from there. I feel like I’m excluded from their encounter but if she included me with details then at least she’s my best friend again and I’m included in her mistake. Why does she refuse to even discuss what happened. The most I got out of her was she was not forced. She consented. We do have a fun and great sexual relationship. This just blows my mind. What happened. Why has she suddenly refused to open up to me about this encounter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Because she believes correctly that it is not to her benefit to do so. And honestly, that shows yet again how selfish she is.

40 yrs and you’re “best friends” and this is the best she can do?
She’s about as good of a friend as he is.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> There may be a lot of incorrect assumptions being made here. Not every man objects to his wife banging another guy. Remember CiCi1990? He may be mad that he wasn't around to watch.





Sfort said:


> There may be a lot of incorrect assumptions being made here. Not every man objects to his wife banging another guy. Remember CiCi1990? He may be mad that he wasn't around to watch.





Rus47 said:


> There was a recent thread on here where the husband was enthusiastic about his wife doing multiple other men.


R 47 - not at all. wrong Path. The encounter was without my approval and they both knew that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> R 47 - not at all. wrong Path. The encounter was without my approval and they both knew that.


So what consequences have they suffered. Why should they stop doing one another? I have seen nothing in your posts that prevents them from reconvening the next time you are away at work (in your bed). Seems they are brazen enough. Btw is the guy bigger and badder? Is that why he escaped a beating?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks M878, I know he crossed the line big time. He took advantage of my trust. So did my wife. I honestly believes she regrets the sexual encounter.I feel like if she would come clean with the whole story, how it happened, what happened etc I can move on. It’s the secrecy and refusal to discuss details that is killing me. She can’t even have a decent conversation. Her MO is to start crying or getting emotional, no details, and blames me for not moving on. I don’t know who started it. I don’t know how he entered the room. I don’t know if she even said “this is wrong”. I don’t know the different positions or who did what. I don’t knee if they met a few times after (Although she claims no) I don’t know how it ended. Who said what. My wife just wants me to believe her statement that’s it’s over and it wont happen again and I am a pervert for asking details. My mind is spinning and I fall deeper and deeper into depression. I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife. She’s my best friend. I have never cheated on her since the day we married 40 years ago. I want her. No one else I just want to know why she did what she did, what she did and then I can move on from there. I feel like I’m excluded from their encounter but if she included me with details then at least she’s my best friend again and I’m included in her mistake. Why does she refuse to even discuss what happened. The most I got out of her was she was not forced. She consented. We do have a fun and great sexual relationship. This just blows my mind. What happened. Why has she suddenly refused to open up to me about this encounter.


If she gives you the unvarnished truth you will likely leave her. This is why she will not discuss her affair.

She claims she was forced but will give you no details. Likely she is the one that pursued this affair not the other man.

You don't know how many times they met. Assume more than once.

This is unlikely her first affair. Just the first one you know about.

You don't want to divorce. Well then you will have to settle for remaining in the dark. Even if you choose to divorce she will keep her secrets.

_I just want to know why she did what she did, what she did and then I can move on from there. _
Answer: because she wanted to and she had the opportunity and even though she betrayed you, you will not leave her.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Because she believes correctly that it is not to her benefit to do so. And honestly, that shows yet again how selfish she is.
> 
> 40 yrs and you’re “best friends” and this is the best she can do?
> She’s about as good of a friend as he is.


E58 - thanks for your comments. I do want to forgive and move on. I do think it was a situation she got caught up in and made the wrong call. I think he walked into our bedroom minutes after I left. I wished she would have told him to walk right back out. Why would a wife feel pressured to allow the encounter. I think she refuses to discuss details because she knows the end result is she could have stopped the encounter but let it happen. She refuses to discuss details because she enjoyed the encounter but doesn’t want me to have those images. The crazy thing is I can’t get the images out of my head. Am I mentally unstable. Is this normal. Someone mentioned in an earlier thread I’m not deranged for seeking details. I honestly think the details will help me emotionally recover.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So what consequences have they suffered. Why should they stop doing one another? I have seen nothing in your posts that prevents them from reconvening the next time you are away at work (in your bed). Seems they are brazen enough. Btw is the guy bigger and badder? Is that why he escaped a beating?


No. I just don’t think violence is the answer. It doesn’t get to the root of the matter has to why it happened. I’m not looking to punish anyone.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Dougk61 said:


> The crazy thing is I can’t get the images out of my head. Am I mentally unstable. Is this normal. Someone mentioned in an earlier thread I’m not deranged for seeking details. I honestly think the details will help me emotionally recover.


It is called mind movies, it's 100% nornal, and it will likely keep happening for years. 

Knowing the details would at least stop your mind from coming up with all sorts of crazy things. It doesn't stop the mind movies though. It just makes them more accurate to what really happened.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> No. I just don’t think violence is the answer. It doesn’t get to the root of the matter has to why it happened. I’m not looking to punish anyone.


You are a lot different than most husbands. Most would have delivered all the violence they could muster. Or at least wanted to. 

Your life your choice. I predict that you will get to relive this scenario many times. You may walk in on them in your bed another time, so be sure to knock before you enter your own bedroom.

Btw, in your shoes I could never again sleep in that bed or have anything to do with the WW. Your life your choice. Learn to live with the mind movies in technicolor.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you ever get all of the details, they will probably be worse than your mind movies. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. You will be dealing with this for a very long time.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> If you ever get all of the details, they will probably be worse than your mind movies. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. You will be dealing with this for a very long time.


Forever, because he isnt doing anything to prevent a repeat.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

GusPolinski said:


> She likely did things with him that she hasn’t done and/or won’t do with you, and she knows that, were she to admit this, you’d be even more hurt and, as a result, more likely to divorce.
> 
> How long ago did this happen?


This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on. 

Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

marko polo said:


> If she gives you the unvarnished truth you will likely leave her. This is why she will not discuss her affair.
> 
> She claims she was forced but will give you no details. Likely she is the one that pursued this affair not the other man.
> 
> ...


She said she wasn't forced.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


The only way you will get her to tell you is to say to her that you can't go on like this and that unless she tells you what happened you will leave. 
Calling you a pervert for wanting to know what happened is disgusting. You are being far far too weak and letting her get away with it. 
How old were the children when their parents were having sex upstairs?


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Forever, because he isnt doing anything to prevent a repeat.


R 47. I am doing the best I can to prevent a repeat by concentrating on how I treat her. I can’t put her on a leash. I have middle of the night thoughts about killing him (know one would know) but that pathway is just not a good solution. but, maybe you’re correct. If I get rid of him that may set 1/2 of my mind at ease. But I really do love my wife. I don’t want anything to hurt her.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


No you aren't, but all of you who are in this situation is due to your choice.

You do NOT have to be in this situation.

Your wife is treating you like this, because she KNOWS she can.

She isn't worried about herself and she wasn't before this happened. If she was, when this happened, she'd be throwing herself at your feet, telling you whatever you wanted to know, she would have cut contact, begun counseling, begun reading books, listening to vids.

She's LYING to you.

What makes you think this was just a one time thing? Don't say because she said so. She is a PROVEN cheater and cheaters lie.

She's getting mad, defensive, telling you to just move on and get over it. That is beyond wrong, it's mean, it's cruel.

She doesn't give a **** about you by doing that to you. Her actions show this.

If she really cared for you and about you, she'd be moving heaven and earth to try and help you heal and process this.

Instead she's lying you to, stonewalling you and telling you to just get over it and move past it.

Uh, how is that working out for you OP? Not well, per your own words.

You aren't moving past it, you aren't getting over it and newsflash, you are NOT going to in the months to come either with her treating you like ****, which is how she's treating you.

You are allowing her to treat you like **** too.

OP, with the way things are now for you, it will NOT end well for you, at all. It will eat you up and I'm talking about for years and years and years. You'll feel miserable in 2031 and 2043 about all of this. It will fester, it will tear you up.

She is not dealing with reality. She's trying to sweep it all under the rug.

She's doing this because, in her mind, it's going to work, you're going to accept it. She's force feeding you a **** sandwich day after day.

OP, you are the only one who can change this and change things. So far, you've chosen to let her have her way.

She not only hurt, she's continuing to hurt you over and over.

She is NOT a safe partner for you.

You need to have more self-respect for yourself.

You need to stand up to her and to this. If you don't, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

I'm really sorry all of this happened, but it's going from bad to worse for you and it doesn't need to be that way for you, don't choose that for yourself OP.

She's a cheater.

She's lying to you, still.

What kind of relationship and marriage will you have when something this big is based upon lies?

It will drag you down and pull you under if you don't deal with this OP.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Anna Fair said:


> I feel for you Doug. Only you know your wife and what your marriage has been over the years. Get professional help.


Anna, you’re a female. Why does she feel the need to keep the details a secret. Help me understand.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The odd thing here is that Doug and this wife have been married 40 years (per Doug)
That puts her in her late fifties, to early sixties.

Their children would be (minimally) in their late teens to early twenties.
Am I wrong, what am I missing?


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> The only way you will get her to tell you is to say to her that you can't go on like this and that unless she tells you what happened you will leave.
> Calling you a pervert for wanting to know what happened is disgusting. You are being far far too weak and letting her get away with it.
> How old were the children when their parents were having sex upstairs?


Children were all Adults. Prior evening was just a fun hang out night with adults. Eating. watching tv.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> R 47. I am doing the best I can to prevent a repeat by concentrating on how I treat her.



She cheated due to her own selfishness and character flaw issues, not because you didn’t treat her well enough. Don’t let her shift the blame. No one “deserves” to be betrayed.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


That you became a victim is totally your wife's fault. 

That you remain a victim is purely on your shoulders.

When it comes right down to it, why should your wife tell you the truth? You clearly aren't going anywhere.

She has no reason to be honest with you, and you are allowing it by staying. 

I'm not saying you must divorce, even though it appears to be the logical choice given her actions. But to sit back and beg her as if you were the one that screwed up is doing you no favors. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> Anna, you’re a female. Why does she feel the need to keep the details a secret. Help me understand.


Doug, I wish I knew. I really don’t understand it all. First, you have to take care of you which is hard to do when heart is breaking. You also need to know that it is easy for others to say she cheated, get a divorce. It’s not that simple. My therapist told me that our brains process this like a filing system that continues to be replayed until we have finally worked through the pain. Do you think she is truly regretful of her infidelity? Has she been in counseling? Have you two been to a therapist together? 
Maybe, she is full of shame for her behavior. The cheater always wants this to magically go away and never be discussed again. Great for them but for the betrayed, it is torture. Does your wife understand how knowing the details might help you heal?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


you aren't the only one. Not even close.

Get counseling/therapy and require her to be in it with you.

Is there a possibility she was reluctant and caught off guard?

She confessed right afterwards?


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> The odd thing here is that Doug and this wife have been married 40 years (per Doug)
> That puts her in her late fifties, to early sixties.
> 
> Their children would be (minimally) in their late teens to early twenties.
> Am I wrong, what am I missing?


 Correct, the kids have nothing to do with the encounter. When I left that morning (around 6:30-7 am) everyone was still sleeping. My ex friend on the couch. My wife in our bedroom. Kids were asleep on the floor and one was in a bedroom. My vision for the morning was everyone wakes up, maybe breakfast then everyone leaves and goes about their day. Part of my issue is I have no clue how he entered our bedroom. No clue if my wife went out and encouraged. No clue if kids already left. At one point my wife did say the encounter lasted no longer than an hour or so. He did shower in our shower (weird).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> Children were all Adults. Prior evening was just a fun hang out night with adults. Eating. watching tv.


Were they all still in the house when the cheating happened? Is he married?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> Correct, the kids have nothing to do with the encounter. When I left that morning (around 6:30-7 am) everyone was still sleeping. My ex friend on the couch. My wife in our bedroom. Kids were asleep on the floor and one was in a bedroom. My vision for the morning was everyone wakes up, maybe breakfast then everyone leaves and goes about their day. Part of my issue is I have no clue how he entered our bedroom. No clue if my wife went out and encouraged. No clue if kids already left. At one point my wife did say the encounter lasted no longer than an hour or so. He did shower in our shower (weird).


As I said and others have said you are letting her treat you this way. You are enabling her lies and deception. You refuse to do anything about your situation so nothing will change. If I was in your position I would have demanded to know everything immediately. I would have ended the marriage otherwise.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Anna Fair said:


> Doug, I wish I knew. I really don’t understand it all. First, you have to take care of you which is hard to do when heart is breaking. You also need to know that it is easy for others to say she cheated, get a divorce. It’s not that simple. My therapist told me that our brains process this like a filing system that continues to be replayed until we have finally worked through the pain. Do you think she is truly regretful of her infidelity? Has she been in counseling? Have you two been to a therapist together?
> Maybe, she is full of shame for her behavior. The cheater always wants this to magically go away and never be discussed again. Great for them but for the betrayed, it is torture. Does your wife understand how knowing the details might help you heal?


I know this sounds crazy. But, I think she enjoyed the encounter and it was sexually thrilling for her. After, I think she feels bad for me and regrets going through the encounter only because she knows it betrayed me. We have not sought out counseling because I don’t want others to know my hurtful thoughts. I want to understand why she felt the need to allow the encounter but I don’t want her to know how bad I’m hurting. She always comments how strong I am. For some Stengel reason, I think she fantasizes and relives the encounter but never lets me know. It’s the secrecy that is driving me insane. please let me know if all married women go through this at some time. It would make me feel,better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.


She remembers everything.
If she doesn't tell you all the details, HOW could you possibly forgive what you don't know?
Without those details (and many men want that), there is nothing to salvage - you may as well proceed to divorce.
WHY? Because she is protecting herself, her affair partner, and her affair more than she cares about you and your marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks evinrude58. You make me feel somewhat normal. I am literally thinking suicidal thoughts knowing she knows the details, tells me she loves me and it’s over but then wants to exclude me on details. I’m outside her circle.


With her actions, do you think she TRULY loves you? If she does in her mind, do you need THAT kind of love from someone who betrayed you?


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> She remembers everything.
> If she doesn't tell you all the details, HOW could you possibly forgive what you don't know?
> Without those details (and many men want that), there is nothing to salvage - you may as well proceed to divorce.
> WHY? Because she is protecting herself, her affair partner, and her affair more than she cares about you and your marriage.


You are right about how can you forgive what you don’t know? I know the percentage of men that divorce their wife after an affair is much higher than a wife whose husband has been unfaithful.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> you aren't the only one. Not even close.
> 
> Get counseling/therapy and require her to be in it with you.
> 
> ...


I wish I could say she was reluctant but she told me at one time it was a thrilling experience for her. So, maybe putting things in her best light she was caught up and cornered (such as he snuck in, got n bed and started making advances which put her in a very relictant/awkward position. Instead of stopping it cold, she allowed it to happen. She even found it thrilling but then felt bad after. Again, my point is she won’t discuss details. Makes my continuously guess and my mind goes in all directions. Worse light for her - she encouraged the whole encounter. And it happened more than once. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss details.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> I wish I could say she was reluctant but she told me at one time it was a thrilling experience for her. So, maybe putting things in her best light she was caught up and cornered (such as he snuck in, got n bed and started making advances which put her in a very relictant/awkward position. Instead of stopping it cold, she allowed it to happen. She even found it thrilling but then felt bad after. Again, my point is she won’t discuss details. Makes my continuously guess and my mind goes in all directions. Worse light for her - she encouraged the whole encounter. And it happened more than once. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss details.


I think others here are correct -- this is WAY more than a one-time thing, and she confessed because she thinks that maybe one of the kids saw/heard something.
NO man would go into a woman's bedroom with kids in the house and close the door without already knowing he was going to have sex.
THINK about this -- if YOU went into a friends' wife's BR on a whim, she would yell RAPE or at the very least SCREAM at you. She did NONE of that, and HE KNEW there was no risk.

She won't tell you the details because it is WAY more than that one morning....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This thread is beginning to sound like a cuckold fantasy.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I wish I could say she was reluctant but she told me at one time it was a thrilling experience for her. So, maybe putting things in her best light she was caught up and cornered (such as he snuck in, got n bed and started making advances which put her in a very relictant/awkward position. Instead of stopping it cold, she allowed it to happen. She even found it thrilling but then felt bad after. Again, my point is she won’t discuss details. Makes my continuously guess and my mind goes in all directions. Worse light for her - she encouraged the whole encounter. And it happened more than once. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss details.


Sometimes people forget the lies they told. So maybe she has forgotten what she told you. If she wants your marriage to survive and thrive, if I was her I would come clean. Preferably, getting professional help individually and jointly. I doubt she understands what goes through your mind.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dougk61 said:


> E58 - thanks for your comments. I do want to forgive and move on. I do think it was a situation she got caught up in and made the wrong call. I think he walked into our bedroom minutes after I left. I wished she would have told him to walk right back out. Why would a wife feel pressured to allow the encounter. I think she refuses to discuss details because she knows the end result is she could have stopped the encounter but let it happen. She refuses to discuss details because she enjoyed the encounter but doesn’t want me to have those images. The crazy thing is I can’t get the images out of my head. Am I mentally unstable. Is this normal. Someone mentioned in an earlier thread I’m not deranged for seeking details. I honestly think the details will help me emotionally recover.


A woman you loved and were faithful to has totally and unequivocally betrayed you in the worst way possible!!!!!!!!
Hell yes it’s normal!!!!. I warn you. I’ve read about, known men personally, and been through myself what you’re experiencing. You have been cut off at the knees. Your heart has been stabbed. Your mind is struggling to handle what doesn’t seem possible, logical, or fair. You are a broken man right now.
If you keep this attitude of forgive and forget, it WILL come back to bite you in the ass mentally and likely physically by a repeat.

look up sunk cost fallacy.
Look up post traumatic stress syndrome.
Look up betrayed spouse syndrome.

you are not thinking normally right now.
For you to say “I wished she would have told him to walk right back out. Why would a wife feel pressured to allow the encounter. I think she refuses to discuss details because she knows the end result is she could have stopped the encounter but let it happen.”

Ten years ago if a friend of yours said this to you about his cheating wife, you’d look at him wide eyed and wonder wtf he’s thinking.

Hell yes she COULD have told him to gtfo.
She chose not to. Because she wanted to **** him. So she did.
Your wife of 40 years did not value you enough to tell him to gtfo.

You’re thinking you can overlook this and get back to loving your wife by forgiving her.
I’m telling you to go nuclear on her or her crazy mind is going to lose respect for you and daydream about her sexcapade with this guy until she won’t touch you abd looks for more of him or someone else.

Tell her to move out and maybe you will cooo off and want her back. If you do, do not reward her ****ty behavior by dating her.
Make her work her way back to you. I wouldn’t take her back. But I’m not you.
I still say kick her out. she’s wretched.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dougk61 said:


> I wish I could say she was reluctant but she told me at one time it was a thrilling experience for her. So, maybe putting things in her best light she was caught up and cornered (such as he snuck in, got n bed and started making advances which put her in a very relictant/awkward position. Instead of stopping it cold, she allowed it to happen. She even found it thrilling but then felt bad after. Again, my point is she won’t discuss details. Makes my continuously guess and my mind goes in all directions. Worse light for her - she encouraged the whole encounter. And it happened more than once. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss details.


Well, what are you willing to do about it?

She's the one who fd up but refuses to do the work to fix it?

Did she tell you immediately?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just read the rest of your thread. Adult kids. One knows and didn’t say anything to you and told your mom either she tells you or they will.

you seem to not be pissed about your slutty wife getting a thrill out of getting plowed by this guy. Tell the truth, does this excitement turn you on and that’s why you want to know the details? I mean, you already know all you need to know. She banged him, she got a thrill out of it, she loved it.
Apparently you liked the thought and want to know more. No judgement. If it gets you off it gets you off.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> When it comes right down to it, why should your wife tell you the truth? You clearly aren't going anywhere.
> 
> She has no reason to be honest with you, and you are allowing it by staying.



Bingo!

I agree and that's why I said this a bit ago...



A18S37K14H18 said:


> Your wife is treating you like this, because she KNOWS she can.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> R 47. I am doing the best I can to prevent a repeat by concentrating on how I treat her. I can’t put her on a leash. I have middle of the night thoughts about killing him (know one would know) but that pathway is just not a good solution. but, maybe you’re correct. If I get rid of him that may set 1/2 of my mind at ease. But I really do love my wife. I don’t want anything to hurt her.


You shouldnt do anything extreme and against the law. But your wife is treating you like a doormat because she has had no consequences. Divorce is an appropriate consequence. Is AP married? If so contact his wife. You love her but she obviously doesn’t love you. She has done nothing to show and remorse or regret. Are you sure she isnt in an affair today?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


So she's known you've been suffering all this time over what she did and still won't come clean about everything? That is beyond selfish. What a miserable existence you must have had since this happened.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> I am a pervert for asking details


OP, can you even for a moment comprehend how messed up this is, that your wife, the adulteress, who ****ed another man in YOUR MARITAL BED, had a “thrilling” time for about an hour, is now calling you a pervert?? Where oh where is your anger?? What does this woman have on you to have utterly destroyed your manhood?



Dougk61 said:


> I am doing the best I can to prevent a repeat by concentrating on how I treat her


And there it is. He’s blaming himself. Tragic and typical BH who thinks if only he can pick-me-dance better, then just maybe he’ll get lucky and his wife JUST MIGHT say no to any strange that walks into her bedroom. 

OP, please, for the sake of humanity, wake up and find your balls.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


You’ll get as much of it as you tolerate.

Have you considered divorce at all? And if so, does she know that?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> E58 - thanks for your comments. I do want to forgive and move on. I do think it was a situation she got caught up in and made the wrong call. I think he walked into our bedroom minutes after I left. I wished she would have told him to walk right back out. Why would a wife feel pressured to allow the encounter. I think she refuses to discuss details because she knows the end result is she could have stopped the encounter but let it happen. She refuses to discuss details because she enjoyed the encounter but doesn’t want me to have those images. The crazy thing is I can’t get the images out of my head. Am I mentally unstable. Is this normal. Someone mentioned in an earlier thread I’m not deranged for seeking details. I honestly think the details will help me emotionally recover.


She didn't feel pressured. It was planned and she wanted it bad, plain and simple.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


Do you hear yourself? You are saying things like "her lover", "outside her privacy circle", "that's only for them". You are a total doormat.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.
> 
> facts: I had a friend stay the night in the living room. I woke up the next morning and went to work. They had the sexual encounter while I was at work. She told me afterwards. She seemed sincere and was crying. she admits it was consensual and it was exciting at the time but she knows it was wrong. *she can’t remember any details.*


She’s lying to you, she remembers everything, especially if it was only one encounter. And, if having an affair came as easy to her as simply as the opportunity presenting itself, that speaks very poorly of your wife’s boundaries, and of her supposed love for you.

How dare she have the audacity to act annoyed and put out while you are pleading with her to help alleviate your suffering. The suffering that *she *caused with her gross betrayal of you, with your so called friend, and in your own house.

If you really want to save your marriage, you have to stop offering your cheating wife blanket forgiveness, when you don’t even know what you’re forgiving. First, your wife cheats on you, with your friend, in your house, while you’re at work, and now she acts like she’s in control of the terms of the *reconciliation*. That’s a no go. 

So, to make a very long story short, I had an affair. My husband and I have been in reconciliation for 10 years, and we are very happily married now. After D-Day, we spent a solid year with me honestly answering every single question he had. If he asked the same question ten times, in 10 different ways, I answered it 10 times. This process began before either of us even knew if we wanted to reconcile. We just knew that we had to somehow find a way to stop the bleeding. The bleeding for you will never stop until she starts telling you the truth, all of it. If she won’t do that, she doesn’t love you, and you need to walk away.

Somebody who knows how to do this, please post the link to the 180. OP’s going to need all of the help he can get.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> She cheated on you and you’re worried about HER getting mad. Do you see this?
> 
> not acceptable.


She needs to come ENTIRELY clean with you. If you are going to stay married it is MANDATORY


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dougk61 said:


> I wish I could say she was reluctant but she told me at one time it was a thrilling experience for her. So, maybe putting things in her best light she was caught up and cornered (such as he snuck in, got n bed and started making advances which put her in a very relictant/awkward position. Instead of stopping it cold, she allowed it to happen. She even found it thrilling but then felt bad after. Again, my point is she won’t discuss details. Makes my continuously guess and my mind goes in all directions. Worse light for her - she encouraged the whole encounter. And it happened more than once. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss details.


If you ever get the truth from her, you will hate every one of her answers. They will always be painful mind movies. Think of all the questions you would ask her. Then think of the worst possible answers. Those answers are probably not as bad as the real truth. You have a horrible situation. If you haven't done so, read the thread by @VintageRetro. Sometimes there is only one explanation as to why cheating spouses do what they do: They want the excitement, they have lust for the OM, and they think they're too smart to ever get caught.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks M878, I know he crossed the line big time. He took advantage of my trust. So did my wife. I honestly believes she regrets the sexual encounter.I feel like if she would come clean with the whole story, how it happened, what happened etc I can move on. It’s the secrecy and refusal to discuss details that is killing me. She can’t even have a decent conversation. Her MO is to start crying or getting emotional, no details, and blames me for not moving on. I don’t know who started it. I don’t know how he entered the room. I don’t know if she even said “this is wrong”. I don’t know the different positions or who did what. I don’t knee if they met a few times after (Although she claims no) I don’t know how it ended. Who said what. My wife just wants me to believe her statement that’s it’s over and it wont happen again and I am a pervert for asking details. My mind is spinning and I fall deeper and deeper into depression. I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife. She’s my best friend. I have never cheated on her since the day we married 40 years ago. I want her. No one else I just want to know why she did what she did, what she did and then I can move on from there. I feel like I’m excluded from their encounter but if she included me with details then at least she’s my best friend again and I’m included in her mistake. Why does she refuse to even discuss what happened. The most I got out of her was she was not forced. She consented. We do have a fun and great sexual relationship. This just blows my mind. What happened. Why has she suddenly refused to open up to me about this encounter.


She wants a rugsweep. She doesn’t care about the effect on you. Cheaters are selfish that way. Your biggest problem right now is you care more about the marriage than she does. You already told her you’ll stay no matter what so she doesn’t have to tell you anything. You unfortunately have yourself stuck because that’s what you’ve chosen.
If it were me I’d at least go online and check the phone bill and see if this has been going on awhile. You maybe able to see if there is any calls/texts between them.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


Bud you have heartburn over infidelity. Not unusual. Is the marriage worth it? Your wayward wife knows she doesn’t have to tell you anything. You’ve shown her that.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

It sure seems like your wife is very comfortable in the life you have together. It also seems like she has no true love or respect for you. She cheated and then relieved her conscience by confessing to you. She shed a few tears and was almost instantly forgiven. She is good. She is enjoying her life while knowing you are suffering. When she says you should get over it, what she is really saying is I know I hurt you, but I have no intention of helping you heal. It could not be more clear - she has zero remorse for what she did. You have received a lot of great advice. You can follow it or keep living the life you are right now. There is no magic button. The only way anything will change is if you take action. She is living in the cheaters utopia right now. Every cheater on the planet would love to be in her position. 

Order the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". It is a fairly quick read. Read it yourself, and then ask her to read it. If she reads it and still will not come clean, you will know how little she thinks of you.

By the way, I bet if you filed for divorce and meant it, she would come clean right away.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Folks, so many of us have written similar things.

OP is in his late 40's, he's put up with this for a few years now. He is who he is and we aren't going to talk him into changing his stripes.

He's been more than willing to put up with this from his wife and he's shown nothing in the way of changing his approach to her.

OP, being that you're nearing 50 years old, you already know that all of us get what we tolerate in life.

I wish you well going forward.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Listen, if you truly think that if your wife told you the details, that you'd be able to forgive her, and just be able to move on from this and everything would be roses moving forward you are FOOLING yourself. 

Your wife is full of $hit saying she doesn't remember. Look her in the eyes, and say "pull my other leg and it plays jingle bells".

You say you want the details but you really don't. What are you willing to do to get the details? Make her take a poly? Leave her? Divorce her?

You want "details"?
1) Your wife had sex with your friend.
2) your wife had sex with this friend in your home.
3) your wife had sex with this friend in your marital bed.
4) she had sex with this man with your kids in the next room.
5) your kids could have walked in on them.
6) no doubt they had unprotected sex.
7) there's NO question that this was planned beforehand. 
8) your wife and this "friend" did this while you were off working and providing for your family.
9) your wife is full of $hit saying she doesn't remember details. 
10) you're fooling yourself that if you just knew the details all would be good and you could forgive her and move on.
11) more than likely this has happened before.
12) your wife takes you for a fool.
13) your wife doesn't respect you.

And I could go on and on.

I feel your pain....I truly do. You just want this nightmare to be over and for some reason you think that whatever your wife is willing to tell you that this is the last piece of the puzzle and all is forgiven?

Your nightmare has just begun. You have major triggers all around your home and you have been betrayed on so many levels that you're in denial. We all get it. 

You want details and the truth?
You want your wife to respect you and to be honest with you?
How can you expect your wife to respect you and to be honest with you when you can't even do this with yourself?

Value yourself enough to stop putting up with your wife's ******** and lies. Trust, truth and honesty is the foundation of any relationship and be honest with yourself.....do you have any of this with your wife right now? HELL NO!!

If she can't be honest with you she needs to leave. Glad you found TAM. I know this is hard to hear. It's hard to navigate this clusterfuck!! You'll get through this ....Keep the faith!!


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> I think others here are correct -- this is WAY more than a one-time thing, and she confessed because she thinks that maybe one of the kids saw/heard something.
> NO man would go into a woman's bedroom with kids in the house and close the door without already knowing he was going to have sex.
> THINK about this -- if YOU went into a friends' wife's BR on a whim, she would yell RAPE or at the very least SCREAM at you. She did NONE of that, and HE KNEW there was no risk.
> 
> She won't tell you the details because it is WAY more than that one morning....


Good point. I never thought of that. Why was he so confident.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Dougk61 said:


> Good point. I never thought of that. Why was he so confident.


You're going through a lot and some of this may sound harsh. Seriously man, you're being played and she is definitely a sociopath. It's your life but I would consider divorce. You have a right to move on, find someone who really will love you, and be happy. You have a road ahead. Get your manhood and mojo back. Don't do anything illegal like kick her out, take the kids away, threaten her etc. Contact an attorney soon and file for divorce. This is not good to continue in. It's normal to feel all kinds of emotional instability. If you can't deal with it, seek professional help. There is no weakness in that. Don't leave your house!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> Good point. I never thought of that. Why was he so confident.


Because your wife never put a stop to his attempts. He pushed to see how far he could go and she was willing to go all the way. What happened that one day was probably one of at least a few encounters. This was not decided out of the blue. They've probably got each other off before they decided to sleep together.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

I would never file for divorce or kick my wife out for a one time mistake. I started this conversation wondering if she truly doesn’t remember the details or if she Is lying to protect my feelings. She knows she messed up, she just doesn’t want to take that last step of explaining to me why she didn’t stop it, what took place and why it was so thrilling to her. One side of me thinks the encounter happened several more times while I was at work (she is a stay at home mom). My ex friend has a very flexible schedule and could have been coming over more times than Imcouldmecen think about. I don’t want to get paranoid. I must wish she would be willing to have an adult conversation without her purposely get so emotional she knows i will end the conversation so the night doesn’t end without us speaking or having sex.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I would never file for divorce or kick my wife out for a one time mistake. I started this conversation wondering if she truly doesn’t remember the details or if she Is lying to protect my feelings. She knows she messed up, she just doesn’t want to take that last step of explaining to me why she didn’t stop it, what took place and why it was so thrilling to her. One side of me thinks the encounter happened several more times while I was at work (she is a stay at home mom). My ex friend has a very flexible schedule and could have been coming over more times than Imcouldmecen think about. I don’t want to get paranoid. I must wish she would be willing to have an adult conversation without her purposely get so emotional she knows i will end the conversation so the night doesn’t end without us speaking or having sex.


In order for you to know if it was a one-time thing, a lie detector is necessary. Her level of casualness to her infidelity suggests that it wasn't a one time thing, but something she was quite familiar in doing. 

One-timers will take great care in not getting caught. They will do it in a hotel room or in a car on a country road. They likely wouldn't do it with kids in the house.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Please, don't obsess over details. The details can really serve to hurt you. Save yourself the grief.



Dougk61 said:


> I know my wife loves me.


You're, sadly, delusional.



Dougk61 said:


> should I give her space to have her one encounter in private.


Absolutely not. You should give her space to live the rest of her life without YOU. I'm relatively sure the vows she made to you had no "wiggle room". Wedding vows do not give ANY "space".

If she wants to save her marriage, let the burden be upon her to do it. 

You are also delusional about "one encounter". Adultery does not begin with an "encounter". It is rehearsed, usually planned, and facilitated by the adulterer. It begins in an evil heart.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


It doesn’t take a woman to answer this question. You can answer it yourself.
Just flip it around… why would you lie to your wife if the situation was reversed?

In a reversed scenario, what possible reason would there be to lie to your W:
Y_ou don’t love her that much really. You really kinda love the other woman.
You don’t want her to dig into details because what you did was pretty bad.
There’s much much more to the story and don’t want your W to find out about the other girls, or the long affair_

There are plenty of scenarios…but the main thing you need to know is that she doesn’t respect you enough to give you the truth. That’s the bottom line. She thinks she can string you along and manipulate you by tell just a little bit of the story.

Dude, you seem to be fine to live with this and let it drive you nuts. It’s your life…you make your choices. You keep asking “why won’t she give me the details” but you won’t do anything to find out. So deal with it then.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Is there a Simp Convention going on here this past month?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is there a Simp Convention going on here this past month?


Spot on!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Dougk61 I have lost track if you even said. But your 'kids' were adults when this happened, several years ago. How many is several? You have been married for around 25-30 years and your wife and you are early 50s? Maybe grandkids by now? Approaching retirement? Assume this is first marriage for both of you. What was her history before you married her ( if you know)?

So it is understandable that you don't want to divorce this late in life with the massive disruption to your life that would be. People on here talk about the "sunk cost" falsehood but at least for a man, once he reaches a certain age starting over isn't likely to work out well. And, you mentioned your wife is still intimate with you so you aren't living a dead bedroom situation. 

I think you have correctly concluded that she very much enjoyed the 'hour' your 'friend' spent with her. When someone enjoys something a lot, they usually want to repeat the experience. Once a rollercoaster ride is experienced, people ride them all day. So odds are that she and the guy were intimate before and after. They may even still be seeing one another on occasion. How would you know? The 'friend' got by with an apology "sorry I screwed your wife in your bed" and likely concludes that it didn't bother you that much. The wife has stonewalled you for years and gets angry when you want to talk about it, so she has also concluded it didn't bother you that much.

So, you have to think long and hard about what you can tolerate. Because honestly you are the only one who can control. You will NEVER get the truth or details from the wife, and it actually would only make you more miserable. As much as I have little use for counseling, I believe this is your best path for yourself. Find a MALE counselor with experience in infidelity to help you process all of the crap your wife has and is putting you through. And I will retract the advice to just divorce her for now, because that will just add more crap to your already overflowing plate. The right counselor ought to be able to give you tools and homework to detach from misery and find some joy in life. He also ought to be able to provide you some educated answers to the questions you have been asking on the forum and help you deal with some of the thoughts circulating inside your head.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> I feel like I’m going crazy not knowing details. I know my wife loves me. I don’t understand why she with holds details. Do other people have a deep desire to know details. Am I wrong for questioning. Why wife tells me it ended but can’t give me details.


Bull crap, she would have never cheated if she did.

You love your wife, would you cheat on her?

My point proven.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> I feel if my wife truly feels terrible, she would sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Tell me how it started. What her role was. Details. And how it ended. I hav e promised her I wouldn't get angry if she would just include me in. It’s like she wants her sexual encounter to remain their personal encounter, not mine


File for divorce, that will loosen her tongue.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks evinrude58. You make me feel somewhat normal. I am literally thinking suicidal thoughts knowing she knows the details, tells me she loves me and it’s over but then wants to exclude me on details. I’m outside her circle.


Again, she doesn’t love you!

She loves the fact that she has a stable life with you. She also loves the fact you allow her to walk all over you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


I am a woman and I would not act as your wife did. Honestly is paramount. You have a right to know what you want to know. However, sad to say you are being so very weak about it that you will never know unless you start acting like a man.
Start by writing down all the questions. Then give them to her and ask her to write down all the answers. Tell her that unless she does this you are leaving and that after she tells you what was going on you are going to book a lie detector test to see if she is telling the truth.
If she does this then you can make decisions based in the truth.
Btw it wasn't a mistake it was a decision to cheat. Not only that to cheat in your own bed with other people in the house.
Where is your self esteem? Where is your mettle? Where is your strength?
I despair at your weakness in this situation.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> Is it possible for a wife to have a sexual encounter and feel so bad about it that she honestly cant remember the details.
> 
> facts: I had a friend stay the night in the living room. I woke up the next morning and went to work. They had the sexual encounter while I was at work. She told me afterwards. She seemed sincere and was crying. she admits it was consensual and it was exciting at the time but she knows it was wrong. she can’t remember any details.


No, she remembers everything. She said it got her excited.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This has been rugswept for years. OP hasn’t and never is going to get answers. 
It doesn’t really matter at this point why she won’t tell you. What matters is that you give no consequences. Just choke it down like you have done for years.

The obvious answer on why you don’t get details is that you only know the top of the iceberg and she knows it will just cause more problems. Let it stay that way, as you’ve done because you’re afraid to lose her. That’s common too.

It is what it is. If you don’t give consequences, you don’t get a change in behavior.
Is your wife still cheating? Let’s be honest, you don’t want to know.

Really, it would be best that you just stop asking, accept that you don’t know and won’t know, and be as happy as you can.

Hopefully it works out good for you.
Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks M878, I know he crossed the line big time. He took advantage of my trust. So did my wife. I honestly believes she regrets the sexual encounter.I feel like if she would come clean with the whole story, how it happened, what happened etc I can move on. It’s the secrecy and refusal to discuss details that is killing me. She can’t even have a decent conversation. Her MO is to start crying or getting emotional, no details, and blames me for not moving on. I don’t know who started it. I don’t know how he entered the room. I don’t know if she even said “this is wrong”. I don’t know the different positions or who did what. I don’t knee if they met a few times after (Although she claims no) I don’t know how it ended. Who said what. My wife just wants me to believe her statement that’s it’s over and it wont happen again and I am a pervert for asking details. My mind is spinning and I fall deeper and deeper into depression. I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife. She’s my best friend. I have never cheated on her since the day we married 40 years ago. I want her. No one else I just want to know why she did what she did, what she did and then I can move on from there. I feel like I’m excluded from their encounter but if she included me with details then at least she’s my best friend again and I’m included in her mistake. Why does she refuse to even discuss what happened. The most I got out of her was she was not forced. She consented. We do have a fun and great sexual relationship. This just blows my mind. What happened. Why has she suddenly refused to open up to me about this encounter.


She isn’t who you keep saying she is.

She doesn’t love you.

She isn’t your best friend.

She is a cheating POS poor excuse of a wife.

And she is calling you a perv for wanting to know what happened?!?!?!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

It's interesting that OP started this thread in sex in marriage and not coping with infidelity.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> I wish I could say she was reluctant but she told me at one time it was a thrilling experience for her. So, maybe putting things in her best light she was caught up and cornered (such as he snuck in, got n bed and started making advances which put her in a very relictant/awkward position. Instead of stopping it cold, she allowed it to happen. She even found it thrilling but then felt bad after. Again, my point is she won’t discuss details. Makes my continuously guess and my mind goes in all directions. Worse light for her - she encouraged the whole encounter. And it happened more than once. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss details.


It sounds to me that she went out in her best lingerie and asked if he was man enough. You are delusional about who your wife is. She’s cheated on you before this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


Man here.

Because it gives her ALL of the control of the situation.

She didn’t make a mistake, she made a choice to f your friend’s brains out.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> ... can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


Cos you are not the love of her life, not her main team partner, not the one, is not with "against the world if needed" AND because is not about being it a mistake or not: is all about which man she chooses.
And do not fool yourself, to choose the marriage is not always to choose the man.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ABHale said:


> She didn’t make a mistake, she made a choice to f your friend’s brains out.


Exactly THIS!


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

She's never going to give you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because she knows you aren't going to do anything about it. So you have a choice to make. You can just keep taking it and go on being miserable.(Look at what this has done and continues to do to you). Or you can put your wife to a choice. Tell me the whole truth or I'm done with this and with you, and you must be prepared to do it. I know you don't want to divorce your wife or punish her, but its the only way you're going to find out everything. If not, be prepared to spend the rest of your life with your cheating wife, who took another man in your home and bed, to tell you to "Just get over it."


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> This thread is beginning to sound like a cuckold fantasy.


Exactly.

Why would someone want details when he’s already decided to not divorce?

It makes no sense. OP is here to get possible scenarios from the comments as a turn on.

I agree with those who say it was planned, probably was already happening before that in order for the comfort level to be there to do that under those circumstances.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> This happened a few years back. I let months go by so I’m not harping continuously. But every time I ask if this is a good time to have an adult conversation about the encounter - her MO kicks in. Why am I bringing it up again. Why can’t I forget it. She doesn’t remember. Let it go. Etc etc. Again, I feel outside her privacy circle. I’m not allowed into her cKR let with her lover. That’s only for them. I know this sounds crazy, but if she would open up about the entire morning I think I can understand her position and move on. It’s her unwillingness to let me in that keeps my mind spinning. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering. Sometimes we are making love and my mind starts wondering. I want it to Stop,but her secrecy prevents me from moving on.
> 
> Am I the only one with this kind of situation.


How many years ago? When did she “confess”?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


You’re not getting it. 

She doesn’t want you to know because she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

She wants you to continue to behave as business as usual and keep paying bills and keep helping take care of the kids and do your chores, but she doesn’t want to have any consequences or have her fun on the side spoiled. 

Why she doesn’t want to tell you is a, “well duh!” Moment. 

Stop being so weak, naive and dumb. Wake the F up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> I started this conversation wondering if she truly doesn’t remember the details or if she Is lying to protect my feelings.


She’s not trying to protect YOUR feelings. 

She’s trying to protect HER gravy train and her support and her lifestyle.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Their children are adults and were adults at the time of the supposed crime. They must be heavy sleepers, too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Let’s be pragmatic. OP has a stay at home wife snd if he divorced her, his finances are ruined for life most likely. He gets good sex and he likes his wife. So she cheats on him ?
He doesn’t mind the cheating, just minds not getting the details. 
Can’t have it all OP. She’s not giving up the goodies. Do you live in a state that has lifetime alimony? Cheaper to keep her most likely. Heck, maybe you’ll get yourself a side honey. Why not? 
just sayin’

sitting around wishing the sky wasn’t blue won’t change the sky.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


Because she loses her power once she's come clean and given you the information. Her affair is all about her, not you. She remains self-centered in motives.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


She’s protecting herself at your expense. You don’t matter.
It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice/decision she made.
A mistake is something you didn’t mean to do. 
You’ve got yourself stuck. 
You don’t want to see the truth.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. *should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.*


Sure, give her space to have her one encounter in private. But, turn about is fair play, right? Tell her that you, too, will be having a one time private encounter, as well, and that, as a courtesy, you are letting her know in advance. Then, tell her that this is all you are going to be saying about it, now, or ever. See how well that goes over.

She excludes you from her _mistake _because you continue to allow her to do so. It’s easier for her, and there have never been, nor does it appear, ever will be, any repercussions for doing so.

Your response to her gross betrayal has made you look weak, and therefore, less desirable, in her eyes. That may not seem fair, but human nature being what it is, it’s a fact.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EI said:


> Sure, give her space to have her one encounter in private. But, turn about is fair play, right? Tell her that you, too, will be having a one time private encounter, as well, and that, as a courtesy, you are letting her know in advance. Then, tell her that this is all you are going to be saying about it, now, or ever. See how well that goes over.
> 
> She excludes you from her _mistake _because you continue to allow her to do so. It’s easier for her, and there have never been, nor does it appear, ever will be, any repercussions for doing so.
> 
> Your response to her gross betrayal has made you look weak, and therefore, less desirable, in her eyes. That may not seem fair, but human nature being what it is, it’s a fact.


Oh I love this devilish plan.😈


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Their children are adults and were adults at the time of the supposed crime. They must be heavy sleepers, too.


They could easily have seen him going in or coming out and well as hearing them. It's just sick what she did and op seems almost blaze about it. No getting rid of the bed. No anger. No temporary separation. No real sense of the disgusting way she behaved, even calling it 'one mistake'. Almost thinking he is responsible and being extra nice so she doesn't do it again. Makes me want to cry for him. 😢 Or kick him up the rear. 😲


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Let’s be pragmatic. OP has a stay at home wife snd if he divorced her, his finances are ruined for life most likely. He gets good sex and he likes his wife. So she cheats on him ?
> He doesn’t mind the cheating, just minds not getting the details


This indeed. At his age, divorcing her has nothing but downside. Not likely his next woman would be any better, because a man's ( or woman's) personality tends to attract similar people over and over. He is married to a cheater, and his attitude of not caring if she cheated would carry through to every subsequent relationship attract someone at least as bad as the one he is married to now.



EI said:


> Sure, give her space to have her one encounter in private. But, turn about is fair play, right? Tell her that you, too, will be having a one time private encounter, as well, and that, as a courtesy, you are letting her know in advance. Then, tell her that this is all you are going to be saying about it, now, or ever. See how well that goes over.


Respectfully, what would this accomplish for @Dougk61? He is getting laid at home now. So he goes out and cheats on her, one time (?!) telling her in advance to "teach her a lesson"? She gets aggravated with his questions now to the point he stops asking so she will have sex with him that evening. Wont she get really p!st at him pulling this type stunt? She still isn't going to tell him details about the tryste with the friend. All he achieves is stopping any sex from the wife in exchange for a ONS? 

And maybe she files for divorce in response. Because what is good for me isn't good for thee.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

OP has stated that this is making him "crazy", "insane" and he's having "suicidal thoughts".

OP have you specifically told your wife about the "suicidal thoughts"?

If so what does it tell you that she won't do what needs to be done to help you heal from this?

Also what are you doing to cope with these "suicidal thoughts"? Have you reached out for professional help and if you haven't why not? "Suicidal thoughts" should never be taken lightly. 

Your wife cheated on you but you're the one who's keeping you chained in the prison of your brain (your thoughts). Why? Because you won't do ANYTHING to free yourself. Just because your wife cheated on you doesn't mean she gets to make you a prisoner. 

You hold the key but you're refusing to use it.

How do you escape this nightmare and prison you've chained yourself to?

Well you can look your wife in the eyes and say "today it ends". Then tell her she writes down everything that happened with this guy and that it will be confirmed by her taking a polygraph. Refusal to do these two things results in you ending this marriage and divorcing her because there's no way you're going to stay with her knowing she was the one who stabbed you in the heart and who's also just stood there watching you bleed to death and has not done ONE [email protected] thing to try and save you.

If you are unwilling to do this then you need to stop with the complaining and just accept what she's done. Yes what she's done to you hurts but it pales in comparison to what you're doing (and not doing) to yourself since then. You say "you love" your wife. It's pretty evident she doesn't love you and if you have ANY doubts that this isn't the case ask her to do these two things and if she refuses you'll have your answer.

She's already shown you she's not a safe partner and now she's going to double down and not help you get to a safe place with these "suicidal thoughts" because of something she did to you in your own home and marital bed with a friend??

Are you sleeping in this same marital bed with her now knowing she was with this friend F'g him?

If so can't you see why you're going "crazy" and "insane" and having "suicidal thoughts"??

And the crazy thing is you are CHOOSING to do nothing about it.

You want this nightmare to end? CHOOSE to end it and you have the power to do so and you're fooling yourself if you don't think that you do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> Good point. I never thought of that. Why was he so confident.


Because they have been talking about doing this or they have done it before.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> For the women, can someone explain why a wife would want to hold back the details of a sexual encounter. I have never been a violent person and she has no reason to fear repercussion. should I give her space to have her one encounter in private. But why would she want to exclude me from her mistake.


She doesn't want to reveal the details because she had a spectacular time with him. Probably orgasmed harder than she ever had with you, because it is "forbidden". What good would it do her to tell you all that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sideways said:


> OP has stated that this is making him "crazy", "insane" and he's having "suicidal thoughts".
> 
> OP have you specifically told your wife about the "suicidal thoughts"?
> 
> ...


He said he hasn't told her because he doesn't want her to think he is weak he said. 
So what is better for them, that he tells her how deeply messed this is making him and demands answers, or he has a breakdown or even kills himself?
Op you must tell her that you are so distraught, or it will just get worse. You must tell her that you can't go on like this. That the marriage is over unless she talks to you about it. 

So far she has faced no consequences at all. So why shouldn't she do it again? You have just let her get away with all of it, including not talking to you about it. 

You have had lots of good advise, please act on it.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I haven't read the whole thread, but how and when (how long after) did you find out? Did he tell you, she volunteered it, other means? 

Regardless, at face value, this isn't an example of a one-time spontaneous act. This is the kind of thing that serial cheaters engage in. Who else would just let their husband's buddy hop in bed for some fun after DH left for work? 98% of wives I know would probably scream when he came in the room. I've also been around the other 2%.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.


don’t ask for any more details. Just tell her you are filing for divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The more I’ve read, the clearer it is that OP can’t really give her any consequences. She will get cash and prizes if he divorces her. And she doesn’t love him, so she just gets set free to go jump some more guys.
The only one that would suffer is OP, because he still loves her. The smart thing to do would be to stay married and boot her off the pedestal. Start treating her like what she is.
Get a life outside of spending time with her.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Makes me want to cry for him. 😢 Or kick him up the rear. 😲


Why not both?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElOtro said:


> Why not both?


True😐


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> True😐


I wish OP could break free if this witch's spell. Seriously, I've been there and his situation is worse. Get your mojo back. This person doesn't deserve you OP!!! It's codependency and toxic!!!! Life is better. Trust me. I am almost done with my divorce. Don't listen to her lies. If she isn't playing games with you, then she has lost her marbles. Regardless, take care of yourself, exercise, socialize with others, religion (if that's you), vent here, etc. 
You're better than this person!!! Life has so much more to offer and a good chance to find someone else. Don't believe in that one soulmate crap. You can find someone else if you do desire!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@Dougk61 How is your sex life with your wife? We're there any changes before and after this?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Turnabout is fair play DougK. I am sure she wouldn't mind you evening the score and sparing her all the details. A bit of "tit for tat" ,if you will.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Turnabout is fair play DougK. I am sure she wouldn't mind you evening the score and sparing her all the details. A bit of "tit for tat" ,if you will.


That all sounds good and dandy but, wouldn’t it be better to take the high road? Getting even by having a fling will just cause more chaos, drama and hurt.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Anna Fair said:


> That all sounds good and dandy but, wouldn’t it be better to take the high road? Getting even by having a fling will just cause more chaos, drama and hurt.


Agreed. Don't mudsling. Move on. She is sucking your life force OP. A vampire!!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

If @Dougk61 doesn’t see the affair as a boundary violation, and his wife knows this, then she’s really not obligated to disclose anything. If it was a boundary violation, then there have to be consequences, one of which could be full disclosure.

So, @Dougk61, was her affair something that you had either expressly allowed or implied not to be a deal breaker beforehand?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Anna Fair said:


> That all sounds good and dandy but, wouldn’t it be better to take the high road? Getting even by having a fling will just cause more chaos, drama and hurt.


In reality, he should have kicked her cheating carcass to the curb........bed included!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Man; I know about denial. I was in denial once for a very similar situation. I didn't want to believe either.
It took me a long time to figure it out and get it. I can definitely sympathize.

I've also read a lot of denial stories on this site over the years.

But I gotta say, this is the worst case of denial I've ever read.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks M878, I know he crossed the line big time. He took advantage of my trust. So did my wife. I honestly believes she regrets the sexual encounter.I feel like if she would come clean with the whole story, how it happened, what happened etc I can move on. It’s the secrecy and refusal to discuss details that is killing me. She can’t even have a decent conversation. Her MO is to start crying or getting emotional, no details, and blames me for not moving on. I don’t know who started it. I don’t know how he entered the room. I don’t know if she even said “this is wrong”. I don’t know the different positions or who did what. I don’t knee if they met a few times after (Although she claims no) I don’t know how it ended. Who said what. My wife just wants me to believe her statement that’s it’s over and it wont happen again and I am a pervert for asking details. My mind is spinning and I fall deeper and deeper into depression. I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife. She’s my best friend. I have never cheated on her since the day we married 40 years ago. I want her. No one else I just want to know why she did what she did, what she did and then I can move on from there. I feel like I’m excluded from their encounter but if she included me with details then at least she’s my best friend again and I’m included in her mistake. Why does she refuse to even discuss what happened. The most I got out of her was she was not forced. She consented. We do have a fun and great sexual relationship. This just blows my mind. What happened. Why has she suddenly refused to open up to me about this encounter.


Your assumption that she regrets it is only half right. What's more important is that she doesn't feel REMORSE. Maybe she wishes it didn't happen because of the fall-out, but she doesn't really feel REMORSE.

If she felt remorse, she would do EVERYTHING she could to make you heal, including tell you everything you want to know.

You do not have a true reconciliation here.

I suggest you read some threads in the "Coping with Infidelity" section, where these types of threads are usually posted. You will see how others have handled it. You will see that you are not the first one to suffer this. And you will see that your wife is in no way doing what she needs to do to help you heal. She is in no way showing true remorse. She is trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened so that she suffers no consequences. A truly remorseful person is willing to take the consequences of their actions. 

I'll use the example of someone who embezzles from work, gets caught, and "regrets" what they have done primarily because they are unhappy with the legal consequences. They "regret" the outcome. A REMORSEFUL person truly wants to MAKE AMENDS for what they have done, not just feel bad about the consequences.

Your wife is NOT remorseful. 
Unless she changes, I would counsel divorce. She doesn't have your best interests at heart.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Are you sleeping in that same bed she cheated in?
Sleeping with an affair person in your own home/bed is another level of disrespect. I’d have a hard time stepping foot in the house again - much less that bed.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP can’t really give her any consequences.


Nope. Our wonderful legal system will see to it that the only one who gets any consequences will be the OP.



Evinrude58 said:


> Get a life outside of spending time with her.


That's the path I chose. See, the truth is, as long as I was married to her, I could support her in a minimal lifestyle, provide only basic needs in the physical realm, absolutely ****ing zero in the emotional realm Go where I want, do what I want, and be there to parent my sons and to show them that they can live uprightly and productively. And, that they didn't have to grow up and live their lives like their mother did.

Divorced, I would be forced to give her 50% of my assets, 40% of my income, and have to visit my sons as a weekend father (which, in my career, weekends were the busiest time).

The fact is, she wasn't remorseful, she got no "penalty" - no consequences to her happened. However, I prevented huge consequences from happening to me.



Wolfman1968 said:


> She doesn't have your best interests at heart.


This is absolutely correct. She probably never did. I know mine didn't. She only wanted a ride. She got it, but she got it on a third-world public bus. After her escapades, I didn't have hers at my heart, either.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Your assumption that she regrets it is only half right. What's more important is that she doesn't feel REMORSE. Maybe she wishes it didn't happen because of the fall-out, but she doesn't really feel REMORSE.
> 
> If she felt remorse, she would do EVERYTHING she could to make you heal, including tell you everything you want to know.
> 
> ...


That’s good feedback for Doug. Yes, a remorseful person would do whatever it takes to make amends, have their partner’s mind more at peace and work on themselves so that they find themselves in the same situation down the road.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anna Fair said:


> That all sounds good and dandy but, wouldn’t it be better to take the high road? Getting even by having a fling will just cause more chaos, drama and hurt.


Plus he doesn't sound like the sort of guy who would act that way.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Plus he doesn't sound like the sort of guy who would act that way.


I still don´t understand why in ... becoming oneself a cheater cos your partner did it makes someone win a damn prize or even give him / her something remotely desirable.

May someone explain such a mistery for the old ignorant I am?


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

ElOtro said:


> I still don´t understand why in ... becoming oneself a cheater cos your partner did it makes someone win a damn prize or even give him / her something remotely desirable.
> 
> May someone explain such a mistery for the old ignorant I am?


If he cheats then it makes him no better than his wife. Who wants to make a situation worse by trying to get even? It won’t bring anything but more pain.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElOtro said:


> I still don´t understand why in ... becoming oneself a cheater cos your partner did it makes someone win a damn prize or even give him / her something remotely desirable.
> 
> May someone explain such a mistery for the old ignorant I am?


Agreed. It makes you no better than them. Why stoop so low?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with @oldshirt that this was very likely an on going affair that she confessed to that day because one of the kids saw or heard them. We have had many threads of affairs that existed between family friends or neighbors in which the kids were used as a pretext for the get togethers. 

As for why she doesn’t want to reveal the details, she is probably both ashamed of her actions and fearful that you would leave her if you understood what they were doing. Affair sex is often very wanton. Just like how many women will be way more freaky when hooking up with a bad boy than with a guy she wants a future with, a WW will allow OM to do things that her husband would be shot down for.

You should poly your wife to confirm if this was a LTA or if it really was a one time thing like she claims. Also to find out if there were other affairs over the years.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Dougk61 said:


> She lets me know generally what took place but tries to make me the bad guy for asking details. When questioned, she claims “she doesn’t remember”. I feel like she wants to keep things private and I’m. It allowed in the circle. Does anyone else have those feelings.


if she is refusing to give details then how can you put any trust in her you need and must know everything about it including who he is and everything she knows about him,you need to know every single thing attacjed to this sordid affair before even thinking of saving your marriage.if she wont tell then that tells you all you need to know whether you can ever trust her again.stick to your guns and settle for nothing less.she is the guilty party for still wanting to keep the details from you


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Dougk61 said:


> She’s apologetic but won’t give me details. It’s driving me insane. Am I wrong for wanting to know the details before Fully forgiving.


you are not wrong


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Dougk61 said:


> He has since apologized for the encounter. I forgave him and we have not spoken since. We are no longer friends I did not lower myself to ask him any details.


he violated your hospitality,violated your trust and had sex with your wife and you forgave him ,why would you do that unless its what you actually wanted to happen.thats just a thought and i hope its way off the mark but thats how it sounds.ask him for details and if he gives them confront your wife with them.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Dougk61 said:


> E. We invited him and his kids to dinner the night before. His kids and our kids watched a movie and fell asleep. He also fell asleep on the couch. My wife and I just went to bed and left them all out in the living room sleeping. Next morning I left for work before anyone woke up. I expected kids to wake and everyone goes home.


it gets worse they had sex with all those kids in the house too.my god she is an evil woman and him an evil man. and your being had mate


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP seems to be primarily concerned about her not sharing the details. He is feeling left out. She is keeping something from him and he wants to know every dirty little detail to put his mind to rest . He has no intention of leaving her or making her suffer any consequences. He merely wants a replay of the action.

Hopefully, his adult kids get a life so they won't have to have slumber parties at mom & dad's.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP seems to be primarily concerned about her not sharing the details. He is feeling left out. She is keeping something from him and he wants to know every dirty little detail to put his mind to rest . He has no intention of leaving her or making her suffer any consequences. He merely wants a replay of the action.
> 
> Hopefully, his adult kids get a life so they won't have to have slumber parties at mom & dad's.


Exactly this, yes.

I can understand the driving need to know details, I did this myself. But OP is going to live a pain-filled rest of his married life if he can't get answers and does nothing about it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> He has since apologized for the encounter. I forgave him and we have not spoken since. We are no longer friends I did not lower myself to ask him any details.


How long have you been friends? How old are the kids?


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Exactly this, yes.
> 
> I can understand the driving need to know details, I did this myself. But OP is going to live a pain-filled rest of his married life if he can't get answers and does nothing about it.


Yes, I think other people don’t understand why you need to know the details. I get the need to know.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP definitely doesn’t seem to have the kind of anger I’d expect toward the “friend” and his wife, but I totally get him wanting details. But at this point, he might as well give it up. It’s been years. He’s clearly not a man that gives consequences, and it’s really past the point of consequences. He’s chosen to rugsweep.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> I wish I could say she was reluctant but she told me at one time it was a thrilling experience for her. So, maybe putting things in her best light she was caught up and cornered (such as he snuck in, got n bed and started making advances which put her in a very relictant/awkward position. Instead of stopping it cold, she allowed it to happen. She even found it thrilling but then felt bad after. Again, my point is she won’t discuss details. Makes my continuously guess and my mind goes in all directions. Worse light for her - she encouraged the whole encounter. And it happened more than once. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss details.


She doesn’t want to discuss details because she knows the right choice is to divorce her. She found it exciting. How did she remember it lasted about an hour without remembering details?
A lot can happen in an hour. Oral (both ways), along with several different positions.
What if it turns out he fathered at least one of your kids, has been ****ing her regularly for years, is longer and thicker than you, gave her the best sex she’s ever had, and she’s still seeing him? Still forgiving both of them?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Add me to the list of people that think that this is another of a long list of the cuckold/hot wife fantasy threads. 

Assuming this story is even for real, He isn’t angry or upset that she cheated. He’s bummed that she had a hot encounter without him and won’t share until the details so that he can get some thrills out of as well. 

He’s more bummed out about being left out than he is that she got down with another dude.

If they’d invite him back to watch and spank in the corner, all would probably be forgiven.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> My wife had an affair with another man. She came forward fairly quickly about the sexual relationship. She explained it got her excited but she refuses to discuss the details of the encounter. Am I the only want that wants details.


No, lots of men want details. I think it's so it possibly can piss us off enough to take action.

So she dropped a bomb on you and refuses to answer any questions you have? 

Have you considered divorce? If not, I highly recommend it. Otherwise you'll be living with a woman you cannot trust and will always want that "excitement".


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I feel if my wife truly feels terrible, she would sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Tell me how it started. What her role was. Details. And how it ended. I hav e promised her I wouldn't get angry if she would just include me in. It’s like she wants her sexual encounter to remain their personal encounter, not mine


Or by telling you the details you'll find out what kind of huss she really is. Again, I'd start seriously thinking about divorce.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Dougk61 said:


> I am 100% positive I would not get upset at her for what she did. It was a situation she just got caught up in.


You are ok with forgiving whatever she did when you don't even know what you are forgiving? This is the wrong mentality. This makes you look very weak as a man in her eyes and is unattractive. Next thing, you'll be trying to do more around the house and romance her to try to make this better and your stock goes farther down with her.

You need to demand a timeline and follow up poly.

She holds all the power because she cares less than you do about the marriage... you need to change that. Your highest priorities should be what you are willing to accept in marriage.

This has the hallmarks of a long term affair and she confessed to 1/100th of it because there was threat of exposure for some reason.

This is what happens when you rugsweep an affair, it keeps coming back up in your mind.... and if you rugsweep again this time, it will come back again down the road.

You need to get to the bottom of it, and if you forgive, you need to know exactly what you are forgiving.

How long has she known this 'friend' of yours?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP seems to be primarily concerned about her not sharing the details. He is feeling left out. She is keeping something from him and he wants to know every dirty little detail to put his mind to rest . He has no intention of leaving her or making her suffer any consequences. He merely wants a replay of the action.


How _dare_ him ask to be let in on an intimate secret between his wife and friend. Everyone is entitled to a little privacy!
<sarcasm>


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP seems to be primarily concerned about her not sharing the details. He is feeling left out. She is keeping something from him and he wants to know every dirty little detail to put his mind to rest . He has no intention of leaving her or making her suffer any consequences. He merely wants a replay of the action.
> 
> Hopefully, his adult kids get a life so they won't have to have slumber parties at mom & dad's.


Maybe his wife and "friend" would be willing to reenact that morning so OP can watch (in the bedroom + marital bed of course). This way all of his questions can be answered by observation and his wife doesn't have to utter a word. All will be forgiven and they can live happily ever after.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’ve read about a remorseful spouse wanting to vomit at the thought of the affair partner. This woman seems to think if the encounter fondly, stating it was thrilling. Pretty telling of her state of mind.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ve read about a remorseful spouse wanting to vomit at the thought of the affair partner. This woman seems to think if the encounter fondly, stating it was thrilling. Pretty telling of her state of mind.


Maybe that's why OP wants "details"? He feels like he's missing out on what was so "thrilling" about it?


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> If course she remembers. Do you know who he is? Where they met? How long it lasted? If he is married?


she remembers every single detail of what happened with her lover. Don't believe her when she claims she can't recall.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

OM sounds like he was at least in an EA and very likely a PA with your WW for some time, perhaps years as a secret second life. I say this because people can carry on affairs for decades when they have a good cover. 

Being a family friend and pretending to be a decent person is a perfect cover, doing fatherly stuff or fostering the friendships of the kids is a great way to appear safe.

I suspect they got sloppy this time and one of the kids saw something, so they agreed to a story line and your WW confessed. I would also suspect OM says he confessed but he did not.

Polygraph and DNA your kids sorry.......


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Thanks for all your responses. This was a real event. It is not made up. It truly hurts me. I have forgiven my wife. I love her deeply. Our sex life had been good before and has been good after. I don’t want to divorce her nor do I believe revenge (cheating on her) is the right thing to do. We are really moving past this event living our lives in a loving relationship, I was really wanting to know if it’s possible that a woman “can not remember details” and if it’s normal to have my mind go crazy because I can’t forget what happened. I can forgive - I can’t forget. My mind wonders and I sometimes get angry when I think about my wife saying she can’t remember. Simple things like how did he get into the room. Did he knock on the door or simply walk in and get in bed with you. Did it startle you. Did you attempt to say No this is not right or were no words spoken. How did it end, Who said what. I think one of the best answers was she probably did things with him that she has not done with me and she just doesn’t want to discuss those details. More than anything, as time goes by this thing is driving me crazy. I don’t want to know the details for sexual reasons. I questioned the details to prove to myself she is being true, honest and remorsful. I don’t want my wife to know how much it bothers me. I do believe in forgivenes. I don’t want to appear weak. I don’t believe in counseling because 12 different counselors will have 12 different responses. I suspect most will tell me to forgive, forget and move on. I’ve tried to move on, I just can’t get it out of my mind. Thanks for all of you who empathize. I’m not weak nor revengeful. I’m just going crazy.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I questioned the details to prove to myself she is being true, honest and remorsful


And now you know that she’s not any of those things, but somehow that’s ok?
If you’re ok with that then ok…it’s your life your marriage.
Just know that when a cheat is none of those things… the likelihood of repeating it goes way up.

Best of luck to you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your situation will never get better. Her lies and deception will only eat away at you like cancer. I'm sad for your future. If at some point you decide that you deserve the respect she owes you, I hope you will get it. The sad part is that the truth is worse than your imagination.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Yep your wife has flat out shown you she is NOT "True, honest or remorseful".

Does any of this really matter because you've stated time and again that you're not going to do anything about it even though it's making you "crazy" and "insane" and having "suicidal thoughts"? 

Comes down to this question. Is what you're doing (or in this case not doing) working for you?

If it isn't (and it's VERY obvious that it isn't) you've been given numerous things you could do to potentially change the situation but you've chosen not to do anything. 

The other option is to shut up, quit whining, and just accept the fact that your wife is NOT going to come clean on this and answer your questions. You should know however that your wife again is NOT remorseful, truthful or honest. 

From an outsiders perspective, how sad is it to know that you want your wife to be truthful to you, to know what this is doing to you but you choose not to tell her this because you don't want to appear to be weak to her. Instead you stuff these thoughts down and now have to deal with "suicidal thoughts" that are making you "crazy" and "insane".

You may have a lot of things with your wife but neither of you have love. 

I'm going to leave you with this because this thread is a waste of my time. You want your wife to be honest with you why don't you first start by being honest to her and letting her know what this is doing to you? You don't tell her not because you don't want to appear to be weak to her but because you're afraid. I could call you a coward but I'll leave it at Fearful.

Also, it's been asked by me and numerous others. ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED THAT YOUR WIFE AND THIS FRIEND BETRAYED YOU IN???

If so and you wonder why you have "suicidal thoughts" and are going "crazy" and "insane" and you aren't willing to do one [email protected] thing to change this nightmare you are CHOOSING to stay in!

Good luck to you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

No, if this were really the one time this happened, she would remember every detail but the most likely story is that they’ve been having an affair for a while. Only problem for them is that they got to comfortable with your adult kids in the house and were either seen or heard, so they came up with this story. 

Why were you so quick to forgive that POS? At the very least , he took advantage of your hospitality and had sex with your wife in your house with your kids there. They are both really F’d up. But like I said above, with them most likely having been in an affair for who knows how long, it is WAY to early to be talking about having already forgiven them when you don’t know what you’re forgiving.

That your WW doesn’t want to take a poly is very telling. Instead of being upset that she’s not giving up the details, you should be marching forward with D. Now that you’re kids are grown, get rid of this backstabbing wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you want to end up with a nervous breakdown? If not then TELL her how much you are struggling with this. 
Tell her that she must answer your questions. Write down exactly what you want to know and don't take no for an answer. You know what you have to do, so do it.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

She’s gotta be given the boot. She can’t recall? BS! She recalls every little detail. Prob does things in bed with him that she never does with you. Dump her or prepare for her to have another affair.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A few things I don’t understand:
Why do you think you’re not appearing weak? You allowed this to happen with no consequences and still sleep in the same defiled bed. The affair partner had no consequences. 

You’re languishing in disgust and cognitive dissonance. Yet you won’t tell your wife because you’re afraid she will get angry and,…. Leave you or whatever it is she’s programmed you to be fearful of.
And you’re doing nothing about it. That’s a weakness.

At this point, you’re satisfied with her as a wife and that’s totally up to you, as all of this is. However, you’re hurting and there’s only one thing you can do about it and that’s get some mental health help. I’d suggest a hypnotist, although I don’t know if that really works. That way you can ignore all this and be happy???


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> A few things I don’t understand:
> Why do you think you’re not appearing weak? You allowed this to happen with no consequences and still sleep in the same defiled bed. The affair partner had no consequences.
> 
> You’re languishing in disgust and cognitive dissonance. Yet you won’t tell your wife because you’re afraid she will get angry and,…. Leave you or whatever it is she’s programmed you to be fearful of.
> ...


He must hire a divorce attorney


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks for all your responses. This was a real event. It is not made up. It truly hurts me. I have forgiven my wife. I love her deeply. Our sex life had been good before and has been good after. I don’t want to divorce her nor do I believe revenge (cheating on her) is the right thing to do. We are really moving past this event living our lives in a loving relationship, I was really wanting to know if it’s possible that a woman “can not remember details” and if it’s normal to have my mind go crazy because I can’t forget what happened. I can forgive - I can’t forget. My mind wonders and I sometimes get angry when I think about my wife saying she can’t remember. Simple things like how did he get into the room. Did he knock on the door or simply walk in and get in bed with you. Did it startle you. Did you attempt to say No this is not right or were no words spoken. How did it end, Who said what. I think one of the best answers was she probably did things with him that she has not done with me and she just doesn’t want to discuss those details. More than anything, as time goes by this thing is driving me crazy. I don’t want to know the details for sexual reasons. I questioned the details to prove to myself she is being true, honest and remorsful. I don’t want my wife to know how much it bothers me. I do believe in forgivenes. I don’t want to appear weak. I don’t believe in counseling because 12 different counselors will have 12 different responses. I suspect most will tell me to forgive, forget and move on. I’ve tried to move on, I just can’t get it out of my mind. Thanks for all of you who empathize. I’m not weak nor revengeful. I’m just going crazy.


Doug why the hell did you forgive her before she is willing to be honest and open with you, STOP allowing her to control the reconciliation and stop being a Fing doormat, I would make very clear to her that as long as she has decided to lie to you about not being open and honest you will not forgive her, and you will expose her to the family, this is her shame and guilt and i would also tell her that one day she will also tell her that since she opened the marriage by her cheating that you are not going to stay faithful to her if she is going to continue to lie...and also i bet ten to one she did things with him she will not do with you. Time to grow a back bone


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Doug why the hell did you forgive her before she is willing to be honest and open with you, STOP allowing her to control the reconciliation and stop being a Fing doormat, I would make very clear to her that as long as she has decided to lie to you about not being open and honest you will not forgive her, and you will expose her to the family, this is her shame and guilt and i would also tell her that one day she will also tell her that since she opened the marriage by her cheating that you are not going to stay faithful to her if she is going to continue to lie...and also i bet ten to one she did things with him she will not do with you. Time to grow a back bone


" bet ten to one she did things with him she will not do with you." ... there is no doubt in my mind that she did all the things she refused to do with Doug. And then some. Yep. back bone needed.


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## Dougk61 (9 mo ago)

Here is the end of this story. About as good as it can get under the circumstance. 5 hours ago I told her how much it was bothering me. I let her read my post and the responses. She explained she didn’t realize it was eating at me so much. She realized how bad all this made her look. She explained how sorry she was the encounter happened. She went into as much detail as she could remember about what happened. How he entered the room. How he got into her bed. How things went. Basically no words spoken. She knew it was wrong but allowed it to happen. She admitted she could have stopped it at any time but allowed it to proceed to the end. She explained it has never happened again nor will it happen again. She explained she was embarrassed and remorseful about the whole encounter. She understands her fault and has opened the door allowing me to ask any detail I would like. I am ending things here with the hope and understanding that mistakes can be made. Sometimes a person can be caught in a situation that just happens and afterwards realize a better decision could have been made. People are not perfect and mistakes can be made. I really do trust my wife. I love her very much and have no reason to doubt her and I do believe she loves me and has never done this again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s your life. Your choice. Your snake friend should be banned for life. 
There are no excuses and this wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice your wife made.
Good luck


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

It was not a mistake. She didn't realize it was eating at you so much? Really? She's surprised a husband is bothered by how his wife ****ed a friend? She could have said "get out of this room," "get out of this bed" "Dont' touch me there" . but she never said "Stop." She's using you Sorry, it will happen again. and again. and again. Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Whether we all agree or not with your actions, I’m glad you talked to her and got whatever you needed to move forward. I doubt the truth of this but if you believe it that’s good enough.
And I wish you luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Doug why the hell did you forgive her before she is willing to be honest and open with you, STOP allowing her to control the reconciliation and stop being a Fing doormat, I would make very clear to her that as long as she has decided to lie to you about not being open and honest you will not forgive her, and you will expose her to the family, this is her shame and guilt and i would also tell her that one day she will also tell her that since she opened the marriage by her cheating that you are not going to stay faithful to her if she is going to continue to lie...and also i bet ten to one she did things with him she will not do with you. Time to grow a back bone


How could you forgive her when you don't even know what happened? Same with that man -- WHY would you forgive him so quickly. I don't see how ANYONE could do that so fast.

In reality, you forgave NOTHING. You "forgave" her to try and get this rug-swept and behind you so you could have your same-old wife/life back. Well, it ISN'T your same old wife/life -- she cheated and liked it. You have NO reasons WHY she did it, there is NO way of thinking that this wouldn't happen again (oh yeah, it won't because she said so??? PURE BS). She hasn't done ANY of the work to help you heal, to help you understand it, to make sure SHE understands it and will know how to not let it happen again). So, basically you want to rug sweep this, and your head is telling you NOT TO DO THAT, hence the issues you are having.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dougk61 said:


> I was really wanting to know if it’s possible that a woman “can not remember details” and if it’s normal to have my mind go crazy because I can’t forget what happened. I can forgive - I can’t forget. My mind wonders and I sometimes get angry when I think about my wife saying she can’t remember.


Dude c'mon! We're talking about wives and memories here. 

My wife remembers the day I locked the keys in the car 28 years ago,,, do you really think someone is going to forget getting it on and getting spewed on her boobs by some other guy after decades of being married??? 

That's just crazy. 

If you think someone without diagnosed and documented Alzheimers Disease will forget that, then you are the one that needs to see a neurologist.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Dude c'mon! We're talking about wives and memories here.
> 
> My wife remembers the day I locked the keys in the car 28 years ago,,, do you really think someone is going to forget getting it on and getting spewed on her boobs by some other guy after decades of being married???
> 
> ...


Sometimes, wives do have “selective memories.” Sounds like this is one of those times.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's good you spoke to her. You are very much playing down the seriousness of it and the fact that she made the clear decision to cheat but that's your decision.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Best of luck. When you need us again, we'll be here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Sometimes, wives do have “selective memories.” Sounds like this is one of those times.


Yeah, it's that selective memory where we get the Law of Three's from. They always seem to forget things that other people can not bear witness to like the two guys she sneaked off into the bedroom with at the frat party that noone saw or that Tinder guy that she swiped on that night she had the big fight with her BF and that guy that she motioned to on her way into the bathroom at the club etc etc etc

It always seems like if there are no witnesses that can report it, they can't seem to remember it. Strange. 

Selective memory for guys only seems to fail us when are supposed to pick up cat food on our way home from work or drop off Little Johnny's homework to the school that he left at home when he left for school that morning. 

memory is strange thing indeed.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Well it is what it is and he made up his mind long ago. Most of us here think he's in huge denial and making a mistake including me, but its not our decision. Only time will tell if he's making a terrible mistake.
I join those hoping he isn't and it works out.

Sometimes (not often) collective wisdom turns out to be wrong. Some people do beat the odds.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Another delusional OP bites the dust. 
Haha!! She made a mistake. A mistake is turning East, rather than West. She made a conscious choice right there and then (that's if that's what really happened, and for the first time, doubtful).


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

walked to her room, then bed, started having sex

dude, even sex workers still need talking and few transactions before you enter them. 

when you met your wife was she that easy with or only easy with your friend?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

So going forward, I think you need to commit to what you accept now, and if you see behavior that doesn't align with that, you follow through on not accepting it. As, 'I will not accept any more cheating, and if you do, we will divorce'.

She got away with screwing another guy, with almost blanket forgiveness before you even knew what happened. Was this a one off and now you are good to go? Remains to be seen... but experience here says cheaters cheat, and now that she knows she gets almost immediate forgiveness, she'll be that much apt to do it again because there are no consequences. She will also try to hide it better next time.

You need to watch her communication with the former friend (who you also forgave) and she needs to commit to no contact with him.

Be forewarned: there is a decent chance that she knows he is a safe bet to cheat with (they were together before) and that she may go back to him.

Lastly, I would essentially call this situation a rugsweep, one spouse cheats and the other forgives without consequences or full investigation / polygrpaph etc.... I think this will swirl in your mind, and after a while (likely years) this will come up again, and you'll wonder why you accepted all this so easily.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)




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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ShatteredKat said:


> View attachment 85595


THIS


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Dougk61 said:


> Here is the end of this story. About as good as it can get under the circumstance. 5 hours ago I told her how much it was bothering me. I let her read my post and the responses. She explained she didn’t realize it was eating at me so much. She realized how bad all this made her look. She explained how sorry she was the encounter happened. She went into as much detail as she could remember about what happened. How he entered the room. How he got into her bed. How things went. Basically no words spoken. She knew it was wrong but allowed it to happen. She admitted she could have stopped it at any time but allowed it to proceed to the end. She explained it has never happened again nor will it happen again. She explained she was embarrassed and remorseful about the whole encounter. She understands her fault and has opened the door allowing me to ask any detail I would like. I am ending things here with the hope and understanding that mistakes can be made. Sometimes a person can be caught in a situation that just happens and afterwards realize a better decision could have been made. People are not perfect and mistakes can be made. I really do trust my wife. I love her very much and have no reason to doubt her and I do believe she loves me and has never done this again.



Well, I'm not so sure this is the end of the story.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> Thanks for all your responses. This was a real event. It is not made up. It truly hurts me. I have forgiven my wife. I love her deeply. Our sex life had been good before and has been good after. I don’t want to divorce her nor do I believe revenge (cheating on her) is the right thing to do. We are really moving past this event living our lives in a loving relationship, I was really wanting to know if it’s possible that a woman “can not remember details” and if it’s normal to have my mind go crazy because I can’t forget what happened. I can forgive - I can’t forget. My mind wonders and I sometimes get angry when I think about my wife saying she can’t remember. Simple things like how did he get into the room. Did he knock on the door or simply walk in and get in bed with you. Did it startle you. Did you attempt to say No this is not right or were no words spoken. How did it end, Who said what. I think one of the best answers was she probably did things with him that she has not done with me and she just doesn’t want to discuss those details. More than anything, as time goes by this thing is driving me crazy. I don’t want to know the details for sexual reasons. I questioned the details to prove to myself she is being true, honest and remorsful. I don’t want my wife to know how much it bothers me. I do believe in forgivenes. I don’t want to appear weak. I don’t believe in counseling because 12 different counselors will have 12 different responses. I suspect most will tell me to forgive, forget and move on. I’ve tried to move on, I just can’t get it out of my mind. Thanks for all of you who empathize. I’m not weak nor revengeful. I’m just going crazy.


You are weak.

Your wife wears the pants in the relationship.

You played the pick me game.

She knows damn well she can do it again when ever she wants.

She cuckolded you.

Then you just sweep it under the rug. The problem with that, you see the lump in the floor where the ugly mess is.

She played you for a fool and won.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dougk61 said:


> Here is the end of this story. About as good as it can get under the circumstance. 5 hours ago I told her how much it was bothering me. I let her read my post and the responses. She explained she didn’t realize it was eating at me so much. She realized how bad all this made her look. She explained how sorry she was the encounter happened. She went into as much detail as she could remember about what happened. How he entered the room. How he got into her bed. How things went. Basically no words spoken. She knew it was wrong but allowed it to happen. She admitted she could have stopped it at any time but allowed it to proceed to the end. She explained it has never happened again nor will it happen again. She explained she was embarrassed and remorseful about the whole encounter. She understands her fault and has opened the door allowing me to ask any detail I would like. I am ending things here with the hope and understanding that mistakes can be made. Sometimes a person can be caught in a situation that just happens and afterwards realize a better decision could have been made. People are not perfect and mistakes can be made. I really do trust my wife. I love her very much and have no reason to doubt her and I do believe she loves me and has never done this again.


🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just wondering if any of the kids woke up and was wondering what all the noise coming from the bedroom was.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> Just wondering if any of the kids woke up and was wondering what all the noise coming from the bedroom was.


“Oh, it’s Mom watching a movie too loudly again.”


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> getting spewed on her boobs by some other guy after decades of being married???


What is the allure of making up crap? I really don't get why some of the male posters on this site do this. The practice calls your ability to be trusted into question. 

Also, the tendency of some to (deliberately?) misread statements and then start a whole ****show based on their misreading is just pandering for attention.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Just wondering if any of the kids woke up and was wondering what all the noise coming from the bedroom was.


If the kids know about what went on, that is very bad. I assume there is a decent chance of this considering the confession was likely driven by fear of exposure. This is like the other thread where the guy finds out his wife is having an affair and then that his kids knew years prior when they caught wife / OM in the act. 

ETA: Very awkward position for kids to be in - blow up the marriage by divulging the truth or save the marriage by keeping a major secret from someone they love.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sfort said:


> How _dare_ him ask to be let in on an intimate secret between his wife and friend. Everyone is entitled to a little privacy!
> <sarcasm>


There is more to what you say than a joke. The defensive spouse does indeed feel he or she deserves some privacy, and will use attempts to get at the truth as a weapon against you. When my D-Day came (which was not about infidelity per se while she knew me, but rather blatant lies about who she was), all hell came down on me for some time, because I shouldn't have invaded her privacy, I shouldn't have known what lies she told me, the reasons she was so screwed up. Thankfully that didn't fly with any of her therapists, all of whom believed her honesty and integrity (or lack thereof) was such that it was important things were discovered.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> “Oh, it’s Mom watching a movie too loudly again.”


If that is the type of movie she watches to loudly, we have all sorts of trouble.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> What is the allure of making up crap? I really don't get why some of the male posters on this site do this. The practice calls your ability to be trusted into question.


No, he isn't making something up, just bringing up an example of the types of things that go through our heads with a cheating wife. Mind movies happen, and all sorts of things run through our minds, especially when the details aren't known.

And possible scenarios presented in a graphic way to someone gets them thinking about just what kind of crap might have went on. We are supposed to think it was just some unsatisfying vanilla sex so we can get over it easier?

Nah, doesn't work like that. We think of things in terms of what might have likely happened. And honestly, to get us to stop being doormats, we need to think about what likely happened so we can stand up and quit taking it. If I had tried to block all the nasty things out of my mind that my ex-wife did, I just still might be with the hussbag today...well, actually no, but it helped me get rid of her faster.

This is why we bring up possible scenarios, whether its a man or woman. Because many times the BH will be told it wasn't that great, only that it wasn't that great multiple times


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I know this sounds crazy. But, I think she enjoyed the encounter and it was sexually thrilling for her. After, I think she feels bad for me and regrets going through the encounter only because she knows it betrayed me. We have not sought out counseling because I don’t want others to know my hurtful thoughts. I want to understand why she felt the need to allow the encounter but I don’t want her to know how bad I’m hurting. She always comments how strong I am. For some Stengel reason, I think she fantasizes and relives the encounter but never lets me know. It’s the secrecy that is driving me insane. please let me know if all married women go through this at some time. It would make me feel,better.


You don’t want to go to counseling because you don’t want to others to know how badly you are hurting or share your thoughts? All the more reason to go. I would suggest you go alone and work on yourself. What you have been through is traumatic. You don’t need to see therapy as weak, it’s actually a sign of strength. 

As a woman, I can tell you what your wife encountered is not something I have any experience with. It’s hard for me to even comprehend this behavior.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Junebug86 said:


> You don’t want to go to counseling because you don’t want to others to know how badly you are hurting or share your thoughts? All the more reason to go. I would suggest you go alone and work on yourself. What you have been through is traumatic. You don’t need to see therapy as weak, it’s actually a sign of strength.
> 
> As a woman, I can tell you what your wife encountered is not something I have any experience with. It’s hard for me to even comprehend this behavior.


Counseling is much needed by him. Not a sign of weakness. Sign of wanting to improve


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

drencrom said:


> No, he isn't making something up


Yes, he is. For the rest of it - la la la la la. I've requested you put me on ignore because you have nothing to say that is relevant to anything or anyone. You are one of the primary 'mis-readers' on this forum. And, threadjackers. 

Have a nice day.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Yes, he is. For the rest of it - la la la la la. I've requested you put me on ignore because you have nothing to say that is relevant to anything or anyone. You are one of the primary 'mis-readers' on this forum. And, threadjackers.
> 
> Have a nice day.


I made a civil and thought out post because, like he, I know what mind movies can do. If you don't like that, then you put me on ignore.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Dougk61 said:


> I think one of the best answers was she probably did things with him that she has not done with me and she just doesn’t want to discuss those details. More than anything, as time goes by this thing is driving me crazy. I don’t want to know the details for sexual reasons.


You don't want to know the details, but at the same time you do wonder about them. The mind movies, much like what @oldshirt was describing, has happened to all of us. We drive ourselves crazy thinking about all the things that were done and picturing it all in our minds.

And as far as oldshirt's reply to you, getting you to think about the possibilities of what your wife and the OM did is an attempt to prevent you from letting yourself become a doormat to a cheating wife.

I went through all the emotions, despair, broken heartedness, etc. But only after I saw the cheating for what it actually was and what they actually, and likely, did...only then did I stand up, brush myself off and yes....there comes a time to get angry. And it's at that time you decide you aren't going to take any more s**t, especially being lied to and having a cheating wife decide that you need to get over it and not answer your questions.



> I don’t want my wife to know how much it bothers me.


Then she will skate and will learn a valuable lesson, that she can get away with it.



> I do believe in forgivenes. I don’t want to appear weak.


Forgiveness goes to those that deserve it. Your wife, so far, does not.



> I don’t believe in counseling because 12 different counselors will have 12 different responses. I suspect most will tell me to forgive, forget and move on. I’ve tried to move on, I just can’t get it out of my mind. Thanks for all of you who empathize. I’m not weak nor revengeful. I’m just going crazy.


Please don't take any of my words as getting down on you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've been where you are and know how much this is driving you crazy.

But you are being way too passive and "understanding" about this and that is what your wife wants. She wants you to just get over this. She wants no real consequences to her actions.

So tell me something, have you discussed with her about what steps she is going to take for this to never cheat again? Put aside the fact she won't give you the respect of answering all of your questions, at least truthfully. Have you discussed ground rules with her? Have you discussed that she is a wife and needs to act like one?

One thing she needs to agree to is that you get to know where she is at all times. Not saying she should have to answer a text from you every half hour. But at the very least, enable location services on her phone so that if you ever want to know, you can look without contacting her.

Some would say this is controlling. Wrong. It's what is expected when trust is broken. She had a trusting husband, but she f****d that up. So what conversations have you had about preventing this from ever happening again?


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

drencrom said:


> You don't want to know the details, but at the same time you do wonder about them. The mind movies, much like what @oldshirt was describing, has happened to all of us. We drive ourselves crazy thinking about all the things that were done and picturing it all in our minds.
> 
> And as far as oldshirt's reply to you, getting you to think about the possibilities of what your wife and the OM did is an attempt to prevent you from letting yourself become a doormat to a cheating wife.
> 
> ...


Excellent post.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

drencrom said:


> You don't want to know the details, but at the same time you do wonder about them. The mind movies, much like what @oldshirt was describing, has happened to all of us. We drive ourselves crazy thinking about all the things that were done and picturing it all in our minds.
> 
> And as far as oldshirt's reply to you, getting you to think about the possibilities of what your wife and the OM did is an attempt to prevent you from letting yourself become a doormat to a cheating wife.


My post wasnt really intended to address mind movies per se, but rather to point out the utter ridiculousness of her saying she can’t remember it.

WS’s remember everything with chrystal clarity ; every touch, every kiss, every moan, all of it in vivid technicolor. 

Extramarital sex is almost universally high octane, hot, passionate monkey sex. Frequently even the hottest, most passionate sex of their lives. 

For starters it’s high risk. WS’s have a lot to lose so right from the first wink, they go through Ph.D level calculus to weight the risks vs benefits and the belief before the first article of clothing hitting the floor is that the sex will be hot and passionate.

It also involves tremendous hormone surges of NRE. Sometimes people haven’t touched another soul in decades and just the act of getting nekkid with another body is enough to chemically transform them back into a sex-drunk teenager.

And then there’s the allure of the forbidden. They are being naughty for a few extra thrills so why not go for broke, and go for as many thrills as you can as if you were going to die young. 

So for someone to say they can’t remember is simply an act against nature.

The issue I have with people chalking it up to mind movies is that almost implies that there is some wrong with the BS or that the BS is somehow at fault for making things up and letting their imaginations get carried away. 

It’s almost kind of blaming the victims in a way and making them at fault for thinking dirty thoughts.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Ok, just saw this.



Dougk61 said:


> Here is the end of this story. About as good as it can get under the circumstance. 5 hours ago I told her how much it was bothering me. I let her read my post and the responses. She explained she didn’t realize it was eating at me so much. She realized how bad all this made her look.


What did she think being a cheating wife made her look like? A wonderful person doing you a favor???




> She explained how sorry she was the encounter happened. She went into as much detail as she could remember about what happened. How he entered the room. How he got into her bed. How things went. Basically no words spoken. She knew it was wrong but allowed it to happen.


Sorry, but bulls***. She didn't "allow it" to happen. She invited it, wanted it. She is framing this like it "just happened" and that she didn't ask for any of it.

Bulls***.




> She admitted she could have stopped it at any time but allowed it to proceed to the end. She explained it has never happened again nor will it happen again. She explained she was embarrassed and remorseful about the whole encounter. She understands her fault and has opened the door allowing me to ask any detail I would like.


Riiiight, and she will lie about those details, unless the detail isn't going to make her look even worse....like some of the things @oldshirt brought up. She'll tell you the simple stuff, but if there is anything really sexually wild, she will lie.



> I am ending things here with the hope and understanding that mistakes can be made.


It wasn't a mistake. She wanted this. Cheating is never a mistake. Call it bad judgement from poor character. 

But a mistake? No.




> Sometimes a person can be caught in a situation that just happens and afterwards realize a better decision could have been made.


Her "decision" was to have sex with another man. There is no other decision to have made. This isn't a matter of trying to decide 



> People are not perfect and mistakes can be made. I really do trust my wife. I love her very much and have no reason to doubt her and I do believe she loves me and has never done this again.


Ok, well good luck with that. All I can tell you is, if there aren't ground rules set now and you continue with the blind trust, you are opening this up for this to happen again.

But then again, I always wonder why anyone bothers, because if you have to do certain things to keep someone from cheating, that means you simply have to put up with being with a cheater and keeping a leash on them.

But good luck.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Excellent post.


Well I was told it was irrelevant, but as you see, it absolutely relates to what he is going through.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> My post wasnt really intended to address mind movies per se, but rather to point out the utter ridiculousness of her saying she can’t remember it.


Understood, but these are the thing he does need to imagine, otherwise he'll sugarcoat it in his brain and try to block out the absolute despicableness of her actions to justify it being not such a big deal.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

drencrom said:


> Understood, but these are the thing he does need to imagine, otherwise he'll sugarcoat it in his brain and try to block out the absolute despicableness of her actions to justify it being not such a big deal.


Yes. 

He is currently doing backflips and emotional deep knee bends in an attempt to do the mental gymnastics required to convince himself that all is well and that it’s no big deal. 

He is holding on to her saying she doesn’t remember like a python constricting it’s prey because then he can tell himself that is she can’t remember, then it must not have been a significant event and nothing to fuss over. 

As Darth Vader would say - “The denial is strong with this one.” 

He is holding on to her rugsweeping and his denial, because the truth would be too painful for him and it would not only hurt in the moment but cause him to question his whole life with her. 

The problem is the pain of uncertainty and wanting to know his reality is catching up with the pain he would experience in the truth. 

Those two worlds will eventually collide to where he will need to know the truth in order to function.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

why did she tell you in the first place. she cheated and what you need is honestly full dsclosure thats what you as a person needs - and thats nobobys business and if she is trully remorseful and wants to work it out then she has to do whatever you need to help the hurt . so shes conditionally sorry still not telling you so what is your marraige bulit on now how do you define it . definatley not trust becuase she the cheater doesnt care what you need which in my books given what happen adds injury to insult . give her an unltimatim go take some \ime for your selk to heal se a councelor but you need space away. dont stand for this level of humilation and disrespect of your feelings goiven she cheated not you. she doesnt have the right to question why u need the details. if she didnt want to be complety honest then dont cheat . but you need space and need to be strong otherwise your building a marriage where the trust is conditional and thats not a foundation you need to build on


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