# Trapped and Confused



## Outsidewithin (Aug 20, 2015)

I'm not a very open person but I've finally decided I need to speak my mind, so here goes...

My wife and I have been married for four years, dated for five years after meeting on campus of our college before that and have no kids. When we got married we both believed we were very much in love and we're looking forward to our lives together and everything that came along with it... Only the "Happily Ever After" has only been a slow, downward spiral ever since. Let me explain.

It's not that we thought marriage would be all fun and games, quite the contrary, as a matter of fact. We're both sensible people who usually remain pretty level-headed. It's hard to pinpoint one problem or instance where things went wrong, so forgive me if I start to jump back and forth a lot from here on out.

I'd say a big part of our problem stems from the fact that we don't agree on things quite as much as we thought pre-marriage, as we have our own views (as any two individuals would), and while that doesn't bother me too much it very much can be a problem for her at times. We also can't agree on kids. She wants them while I do not. We both knew this about each other before the marriage but she thought I'd change my mind while I suppose in typical man fashion I thought it wasn't a huge deal. I believe a part of her resents me for this, though try as I might I just don't want them... Or at the very least I know I don't want them with her. 

She's not a bad person and we get along for the most part, but she's extremely lazy. I do all of the cooking, cleaning and take care of most other odd and ends while we both work full time jobs. Whenever I bring this up (usually after SHE instigates an argument) about how she does nothing and I would appreciate some help, all she can reply with is "you do it better" or I don't know how". She won't even take care of the dog SHE wanted. Or I hear about if she didn't have to work, she would do more. Which I know is BS, as she'd only watch tv, read, phone her family/friends or work on her paintings like she always does. This is why I'm confused about whether I don't want kids period or just with her, as I don't want to be stuck doing everything forever, even though she promises that wouldn't be the case. I'm not convinced, and I know that having kids never solved anyone's problems.

Our sexual relationship also plummeted after marriage, though instead of it being due to her lack of libido as movies/media/popular opinion would have you believe, it's due to me. I don't feel as attracted to her as I once did and between that and the underlying thoughts in my head about maybe not being "in love" anymore, sex has only become a chore and not something that I look forward to as I once did. She's also not near as adventurous as I am in that regard.

I also know that I'm not the easiest person to be married to, as I can be distant and cold at times. Though I am slow to anger, I can also be prone to saying things I don't mean and can be blunt. Thus we come to another realization I've had (or just another crazy seed planted in my head caused by being in an unhealthy relationship), being that I'm not sure I'm the type of person that should be married. I can be loving and I'm not socially awkward or anything (I still enjoy being with family and friends), but I enjoy my privacy and I like to be alone. I've been this way for as long as I remember... Probably because I was an only child.

In closing, I guess I'm just saying I don't know what to do. I don't know if I could actually go through with a divorce, but at the same time I know we're not happy and I suspect it will only get worse - especially with us being so divided on the children issue.

-Outsidewithin


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

A lot of change to hope for there. Probably too much. You could ask her to demonstrate her willingness to change now as far as helping with the housework and see how it goes for 6 months. That would be a prerequisite to you even considering kids. It's a long shot though.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I see several problems.

First, there is no reconciling the want for children. This is huge, and is enough to end the marriage without consideration to anything else.

As for the rest, and I am saying this gently... You are the problem.

She bought a dog and you take care of it?

"Wife, you have two weeks to show me you can care for the dog you wanted or I will give it to a rescue group."

She will likely balk. Then do it. And don't tell her, because once is enough.

You bring up her laziness AFTER the argument starts? This is passive aggressive. If something bothers you, you tell her when it bother you, not when she says to you what bothers her. This makes her feelings invalidated while you sit on your own resentment stew over not telling her when things bother you.

You appear to be much talk and little action. Why should she respect you if your words are meaningless and you lack follow through?

I would bet that 6 months of changing the behaviors discussed would go a long way towards her resentment level dropping, but you still have the child issue as well.

Need an honest answer to this: how frequently do you view porn? 

I have more, but want to hear how you respond to this post prior to posting it.


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## Outsidewithin (Aug 20, 2015)

Challenging her to be more helpful and prove she can contribute to the marriage in those ways for 6 months was advice recently given to me by a close friend. It's on my list but I don't want to get her hopes up, though I suppose having an open conversation about it and rethinking it would be the least I could do if she complies.




Yes, I've recently come to the realization that I've become an enabler... I've put my foot down several times over the past month to try and slowly back away from doing so. I suppose I also should mention that more times than not I don't mind cooking/cleaning, though I've expressed to her it would be great if she took a turn or two if I'm, say, stuck in traffic or something. She usually has an excuse.

I should also point out, for better or for worse, I'm extremely laid back. So for the most part her lack of help doesn't bother me a whole lot. I really should do a better job of expressing when it does, however. It's brought up in arguments by me when she starts one about how I should do more, which is ironic considering she does nearly nothing. I don't bring it up if we're having an unrelated argument.

As for porn, it's occasional. Though at one point I did cut it out for six months or so doing whatever I could to help fix our problems. I didn't notice any change in my desire or in our sex life as a whole, so it's back to something I fall back on once every week or two.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Read No More Mister Nice Guy.

Read it soon.

Take this from a reformed "nice guy".

You are exhibiting many traits and it is killing both her opinion of you and your opinion of you.

FYI, this is why I asked about the porn. I'd wager it is more frequent than you are letting on.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Outsidewithin said:


> ...all she can reply with is "you do it better" or "I don't know how". She won't even take care of the dog SHE wanted. Or I hear about if she didn't have to work, she would do more. Which I know is BS, as she'd only watch tv, read, phone her family/friends or work on her paintings like she always does.
> 
> This is why I'm confused about whether I don't want kids period or just with her, as I don't want to be stuck doing everything forever, even though she promises that wouldn't be the case.


Trust your instincts on this, your gut tells you the truth.


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## Outsidewithin (Aug 20, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Read No More Mister Nice Guy.
> 
> Read it soon.
> 
> ...


I just downloaded it on my Nook, I'll start reading it this evening. Parts of what the book explains sounds like me, while others couldn't be further from the truth. Can't hurt to give it a read though, and I can be very non-confrontational.

I mean, sometimes it's more frequent and other times less frequent. My estimation seems like a pretty accurate average. I have no reason to be dishonest on a board full of strangers.

I do appreciate the recommendation though.



OnTheFly said:


> Trust your instincts on this, your gut tells you the truth.


Thanks. In this I am unwavering, as for the first 6 months of this year she worked part time. There was no change them so I have no reason to believe no work/stay at home with kids would be any different.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Would MC help to thrash out your differences. Is she improved domestically, would you change your mind about kids. Be frank with her.


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