# Looking for Advice / Suggestions for Intimacy and Physical Connection



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Hello all, I was hoping to get some insight, stories, advice, suggestions, etc from the group on what i can do to drive more intimacy between myself and my wife of 7+ years. Ideally I would love some advice from someone who has overcome some of the issues i am working through. 

I am 40 years old and have been married with 7+ years. My relationship with my wife has had many ups and down and I have had to work, and continue to work, on being a good partner in all facets of life to my wife. I still have a lot of improvement to do but we both agree i have made strides in a number of areas. The real gist of the why i am here now is on specifically on the intimacy and physical front and the issues I need to work through are outlines below. 

We haven't had sex in over a year and a half and it's mainly driven my history of sex and how i approached it in my past. Sex was not something I ever had much confidence in and when i did lost my virginity in college there much significant alcohol involved. Since that first time, until i met my wife, almost all of my sexual encounters had some level of alcohol involved. I had a number of one night stand, girl friends where we'd party together had have sex, and generally I had an unhealthy relationship when it came to sex. I was also worried about not lasting long enough (PE) and of course alcohol can help as long as you don't over due it which of course will cause other problems of not being able to stay hard.

After talking to my wife and a therapist (but honestly mostly my wife), it's clear that my fear of failing on the sexual intercourse front, not lasting long enough, has driven anxiety in the world of intimacy, and then that anxiety, drives lack of desire. That lack of desire has now driven a long gap of no sex between us. Coming into our relationship my wife had the higher sex drive between the two of us, and that's can't be a surprise b/c given my past my desire was pretty low due to this fear/anxiety. 

As mentioned, i have gone and continue to see a therapist for advice, I have gone to see doctors and have blood work done to check for for Low Testosterone and/or Thyroid issues, and I also have prescription for Viagra as i have been diagnosed with mild ED. The Viagra can also help with PE as it'll keep you harder longer. So i am attacking multiple angles but I wanted to see what other advice i can get here too. 

If anyone has overcome any similar issues and can offer some advice it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance. 

Note: As i did not clarify earlier, I had a decent alcohol abuse problem early in my life and when my wife and I met over a decade ago, but since we've been married, again 7+ years, my drinking is limited to 2-4 IPAs a week.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

your entire post talks about your trouble getting your penis to cum. its either too soon, or too late, or whatever.

where are you doing anything to get your wife to cum? 

how about a series of experiments for the next week. I want you to get your wife to cum at least once a day, but i do not want you to cum. leave your clothes on, for instance, for the entire time. Day one, i want you to get some scented candles, new age music, some massage oil, towels, etc, and give your wife a whole-body massage. with her lying on her tummy, start at her feet/toes, and work your way up, but do not play with her vagina, just skip that part. work her shoulders, neck, head. after about 15 minutes of that, have her turn over. then do her arms, fingers, then her breasts. then work toward her nipples, but lightly. spend a good 5-10 minutes on her boobs/nipples. only then, work your way down to between her legs, and massage gently only on the outside. remember to use the lubricant oil. after she is fully arroused, only then enter into her with one finger. then two fingers. 

after she has cum (possibly multiple times) that is it.

Next day try something similar, but this time with cunnilingus at the end.

what i am wondering is, can you shift your way of thinking from "ME ME ME!", to "how do it get HER to cum?"

along the way...i bet your body will also figure out, all on its own, how to be horny for your wife, and how to respond more normally to marital sex without any need for alcohol or pot.

i am also hoping that you learn that a penis really is not needed at all to get her to cum! a hard penis is, of course, a good thing. But it is only ONE of a whole bag of sexual tricks you should have ready for her.


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## sweet.green.tea (Nov 4, 2021)

I think you're on the right track with therapy and Viagra and communicating with your wife. Is it working so far? Is there still a gap in your sex life? Is there any other type of sex happening? Early in my marriage I was much more insecure about sex and my husband has always had a much higher sex drive so in that case, I put the focus on him instead of me. He is a functioning alcoholic so I am familiar with performance issues there. We have had some lows with our sex life but his drive is so high there's no way we could go that long without SOME sort of release for him. Sometimes you just have to "fake it til you make it" in my opinion to get through those dry spells. You just gotta dive right in and see what works.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

yep, that is the good thing about being married. the performance anxiety should be way less....because you are married. if you were dating, and could not perform...that is it, end of the date and probably last you would see of the woman.

being together, she will be much more forgiving and patient as you figure it all out!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you want to last longer try taking 300mg pills of St John’s Wort (3x a day). It will take maybe a month to kick in but it works kind of like an anti-depressant.

After taking that much for several months my wife told me to stop because I was lasting way too long. Now I just take one pill every day.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

If you have PE, try a tsp of kratom 1-4 hours before sex. I don't have PE, but I do know it's very tough to finish after doing kratom.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You have some long-standing, chronic issues surrounding sexuality as well as a long term history of substance abuse. 

You'll likely require professional assessment and therapy for each but they are not independent of each other but rather both intertwined to a degree. 

In addition to seeking professional therapy, my immediate thoughts are you are putting too much focus and too much of your concept of sexuality on your penis and on PIV. PIV is where babies came from in the days before artificial insemination, but the reality is PIV is just one small piece in a galaxy of sexual expression, techniques and activities. 

There are countless other pleasurable and satisfying techiques and activities that a couple can do that do not require PIV and do not even require a hard penis. 

You'll get into more of this through therapy with an actual professional, but the more adept you get at giving and receiving non-PIV sexual pleasure, the less focused you become on PIV which reduces the anxiety and pressure and you actually have a higher chance of successful PIV.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I was in a sex starved marriage. After making some changes in my life, getting a really great marriage counselor & sex therapist to help save our marriage and having my wife commit to saving our marriage, we now have a healthy sex life.

I would suggest you get and study two books. MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage and what I see as a companion book for men, Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. Both recommend 180's and Getting a Life. They both provide insights into how you can change yourself. Your focus appears to PIV focused to me. Our sex therapist had us do Sensate Focus exercises to separate sex from sensuality and intimate physical touching sensations. I think that you and your wife would benefit from that as it would take away the performance anxiety and allow the two of you to intimately connect emotionally. Part of the typical exercise program is to gradually incorporate sex back into things after you can easily connect sensually.

Good luck.


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## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> your entire post talks about your trouble getting your penis to cum. its either too soon, or too late, or whatever.
> 
> where are you doing anything to get your wife to cum?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply and advice. A key point i did not mention in my original post is that my wife preference is penetrative sex. I have certainly done manual stimulation the past but this isn't something she's a biggest fan of, she absolutely 100% hates cunnilingus (she always has with all her partners), so this leaves penetrative sex which requires me to be hard and not cum early. We've gone as far as to talk about goals, shooting for 3 minutes of penetrative sex. Note: we have also talked about using toys in the past and this isn't something that either one of us find as an attractive approach, just not for us. 

So my mentality isn't "me, me, me" per say, it's more on the "fix myself, so i can please her" mind set. I certainly want to help with manual stimulation while having sex, or if I finish early making her cum afterwards manually if she wants that.


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## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

sweet.green.tea said:


> I think you're on the right track with therapy and Viagra and communicating with your wife. Is it working so far? Is there still a gap in your sex life? Is there any other type of sex happening? Early in my marriage I was much more insecure about sex and my husband has always had a much higher sex drive so in that case, I put the focus on him instead of me. He is a functioning alcoholic so I am familiar with performance issues there. We have had some lows with our sex life but his drive is so high there's no way we could go that long without SOME sort of release for him. Sometimes you just have to "fake it til you make it" in my opinion to get through those dry spells. You just gotta dive right in and see what works.


It is working to a degree but we haven't crossed back into a physicals sexual relationship in a long time. As noted it's been over 1.5 years since we have last had sex. Prior to that, immediately before dating all the way to when we first start dating sex had always been an issue in one way or another - at most we would have sex twice a month, and we've had previous spells of not sex for multiple months. A realistic target short term goal for us would be sex once a month for a bit and when that is a regular occurrence, working to improve upon that. 

Thank you for your advice and background, it's very much appreciated. How have you approached the "fake it until you make it" mentality - I tried that to some degree with minimal success. Thanks!


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## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> yep, that is the good thing about being married. the performance anxiety should be way less....because you are married. if you were dating, and could not perform...that is it, end of the date and probably last you would see of the woman.
> 
> being together, she will be much more forgiving and patient as you figure it all out!


Thank your for your reply, and I totally agree. The issue we are working through is i need to gain my wife's trust back before she can give that forgiveness/patience as i have let he down in so many ways in the past. Never cheating but emotional hurt, not following through on this, not being there when she's needed me etc. I have been working on this for quite some time and have made strides but still have much to improve upon.


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## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> I was in a sex starved marriage. After making some changes in my life, getting a really great marriage counselor & sex therapist to help save our marriage and having my wife commit to saving our marriage, we now have a healthy sex life.
> 
> I would suggest you get and study two books. MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage and what I see as a companion book for men, Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. Both recommend 180's and Getting a Life. They both provide insights into how you can change yourself. Your focus appears to PIV focused to me. Our sex therapist had us do Sensate Focus exercises to separate sex from sensuality and intimate physical touching sensations. I think that you and your wife would benefit from that as it would take away the performance anxiety and allow the two of you to intimately connect emotionally. Part of the typical exercise program is to gradually incorporate sex back into things after you can easily connect sensually.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you very much for your reply - I will look into the books. Also thank you for comment on "Sensate Focus exercises to separate sex from sensuality and intimate physical touching sensations" - I will look into this more also. 

PIV is the focus my wife desires as it is her preference by a long measure, she does not like cunnilingus (never has, from any partner) and manual stimulation is something we've done in the past but again not a preference. Sex toys are another thing we have talked about but neither one of is prefer that approach either.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Istryingenough? said:


> ........PIV is the focus my wife desires as it is her preference by a long measure, she does not like cunnilingus (never has, from any partner)
> 
> 
> ......and manual stimulation is something we've done in the past but again not a preference.
> ...


Good luck. As David Schnarch said in his book Intimacy and Desire, sex in a long term committed relationship is about getting your partners sexual leftovers. That in his shocking style of advice simply means that she has things that for a variety of reasons are not going to happen and you have a variety of things that are not going to happen. How much you "not going to do" list is, is a function of your adventurism and past experiences. But what it means is that the sexual acts the two of you will do are all the other things (AKA the left overs).

You can't force your wife to have oral sex, or at least you shouldn't. She get's to decide those things. You can ask her, tell its important, but if she says no, you should let it go or at the most ask once if there isn't something else the two of you can role play at, that might give you the illusion of what you would like to try.

As to the manual stimulation not being a preference......is that hers or your preference to avoid? If it is not something she likes have you had a long talk with her to really understand why she doesn't like it? Does it have anything to do with her fluids on your hands? Have you discussed or tried role playing to put a different twist on it? If it is her issue there are lots of things you could role play. Say Doctor/patient, as back in Victorian times, women with female hysteria regularly went to get treated by their Doctor. Victorian Doctors treating female hysteria Another role play could be mutual masturbation or some kind of who comes first game with the looser having to do something for the winner. The point is if one of you doesn't like manual stimulation, there may be a way to make a game or scene so that rather than a chore, it becomes playtime.

Same thing with sex toys. Communication and gradually trying things in ways that both are comfortable with are the keys to success. It really has to be mutually agreed upon sex acts. Good luck to you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> We haven't had sex in over a year and a half and it's mainly driven my history of sex and how i approached it in my past.


So the latest fifth of your "marriage" has been without sex. It is amazing that your wife has been this patient for so long. I can assure you that most women wouldn't take a month without intimacy. They would be thinking hubby had a sidepiece. And they would be heading for the exit.

Wish you well with the therapy. You didn't mention if the lab work turned up any major issues requiring medication. You mentioned Viagra, but if the desire isn't there, Viagra will do you no good.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I was in a sex starved marriage. After making some changes in my life, getting a really great marriage counselor & sex therapist to help save our marriage and having my wife commit to saving our marriage, we now have a healthy sex life.
> 
> I would suggest you get and study two books. MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage and what I see as a companion book for men, Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. Both recommend 180's and Getting a Life. They both provide insights into how you can change yourself. Your focus appears to PIV focused to me. Our sex therapist had us do Sensate Focus exercises to separate sex from sensuality and intimate physical touching sensations. I think that you and your wife would benefit from that as it would take away the performance anxiety and allow the two of you to intimately connect emotionally. Part of the typical exercise program is to gradually incorporate sex back into things after you can easily connect sensually.
> 
> Good luck.


He is the issue....not his wife. She is the higher drive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is...

With all the bravado that men exhibit, they are softies at the wrong time..

Being a male is not an easy endeavor, there is no 'faking it, until you make it'.

There is hard evidence to the contrary.


_Lilith-_


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> PIV is the focus my wife desires as it is her preference by a long measure,


I always wonder why a spouse will allow intimacy to be absent in a marriage for weeks, months, years. You have a lot to make up for and not much time to right the ship. If the roles were reversed, would you have hung around for years waiting for your wife to get with the program?

You will need to provide what your wife desires, and if PIV is her focus, it will need to be yours as well.


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## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I always wonder why a spouse will allow intimacy to be absent in a marriage for weeks, months, years. You have a lot to make up for and not much time to right the ship. If the roles were reversed, would you have hung around for years waiting for your wife to get with the program?
> 
> You will need to provide what your wife desires, and if PIV is her focus, it will need to be yours as well.


Thank you for the Reply and I am in 100% Agreement. This is the reason for the original post for any advice, strategies, "hows" to focus on this. 
The intimacy I reference is PIV as this is what my wife's main focus is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you are sober now, you could sit down with your wife and have a talk about how alcohol has affected your sex life in the past and ask her if she is even interested in trying to rehabilitate it now that you're sober. 

It is very hard for a woman to be involved when a man is having erectile problems. To be blunt, you need to be able to get it up without her help before you even try having sex with her. She should not be tasked with trying to get you up. It makes it her failure when it doesn't happen and makes her not want to have to confront that situation again. 

But if you are sobering you start feeling like you are able to spontaneously get an erection, then start asking her if she's interested in trying to bring your sex life back to life and let her know that you are spontaneously getting erections and would not expect her to have to struggle to get you hard.

Sorry if all that is too much information. And that is just one woman's take on it and I am not married but I have had some experience with Ed and premature ejaculation. Of course if it's the latter, you get the woman off all the way first before vaginal intercourse.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> He is the issue....not his wife. She is the higher drive.


As David Scharch liked to say there is no correct amount of sex in a marriage, there is an amount that is negotiated and agreed upon by both. The same is true for the number of children a couple has, how many times a week they have chocolate ice cream after dinner a week, or how many times a week they watch sports on the weekend. Sex is just one of thousands of things that couples negotiate the amount of in a successful marriage.

I may be higher drive compared to my wife, but she may be higher drive compared to some other man. Likewise, there are probably women who would think I am low sexual desire.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> Thank you for the Reply and I am in 100% Agreement. This is the reason for the original post for *any advice, strategies, "hows" to focus on this.*
> The intimacy I reference is PIV as this is what my wife's main focus is.





Istryingenough? said:


> As mentioned, i have gone and continue to see a therapist for advice,* I have gone to see doctors and have blood work done to check for for Low Testosterone and/or Thyroid issues, and I also have prescription for Viagra as i have been diagnosed with mild ED.* The Viagra can also help with PE as it'll keep you harder longer.


So is there anything wrong with the Testosterone or Thyroid levels? If so, fix those. The first can be fixed with injections, the second with pills. What did the doctors say needed to be done ( if anything )? Do what they told you to do. And, you don't need to wait for those to be fixed before you work on the problem. 

Sex IMO is like most things, practice makes (well maybe not "perfect") but better. So start practicing. You have a lot of homework to make up. You didn't say what dosage Viagra was prescribed. What did the doctor tell you about using them? Did he talk about what to do if you get an erection for more than three hours? You need to be prepared for this possibility because you have never used the stuff. That is why you need to start with lowest possible dose. Start out with a low dose, no more than 50 mg. If they gave you 200 mg full strength, cut them into quarters. Tell the wife what you have planned. If she is agreeable, Start out with low dose, before not after eating. Food in your stomach, especially high fat food interferes with the drug. In no more than an hour, get the wife to start putting on a show for you and then begin foreplay with her. Relax. BTW, at least in my case, PIV with wife on top is a better position for lasting. Doggie style lasts shortest for me. And the wife on top can get the angles that feel best for her. Win-win. Give that a try if she is game. 

If you don't last long the first time, DON'T QUIT. The viagra effects ought to last at least an hour or two, time enough to give it another go. So make hay while the sun is shining. You can only take one of these pills every 24 hours, so make a date with the wife to practice some more 24 hours later. If you have no underlying health issues, you ought to be good to go every 24-48 hours. If at first you don't succeed, just keep trying. At your age, it wouldn't be surprising if your entire problem is psychological. So some success and enjoyment will remove any need for Viagra after awhile. It is just the training wheels to get your mojo working.


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