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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

lynn11374 said:


> He apologized for it later, saying that I was in his way.


Then he didn't really apologize for it, did he? He merely indicated why his physical abuse of you was your fault. Honey, as much as he (and you, too, apparently) want to pretend it is, that's not an apology. 

Do you enjoy living with someone who helps you feel "like I'm not good enough" a lot of the time? 

If the answer to that is "no", then you should probably stop doing that. Living with him, I mean. Take that 6-figure salary and go get yourself an apartment or home of your own. And leave him to deal with whatever issues are causing him to be increasingly unkind and abusive to you. Get yourself some therapy to help build your damaged self-esteem and fix your picker.


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## Thisnotthat (Oct 28, 2020)

lynn11374 said:


> I decided to pursue an old past time, horseback riding and I go twice a week, two hours each time including the commute there and back.


Good on you for doing something that you enjoy. Please don't let anybody convince you that the time your spending on this is excessive or that your somehow neglecting other important areas of your life or relationships because your spending a bit of time on something you love. Now, if you are neglecting other important areas of your life or relationships because your spending many more hours on this than you've said, then don't do that anymore. Otherwise, somebody's being a jerk, here.


lynn11374 said:


> It’s the belongings that I had from my prior life before I met him. A lot of it consists of books, kitchen items, and decor. Our house is currently in the stage of renovation, we do not have all the furniture to house things so they are temporarily in the attic.


So do you think he's asking you to put them in bins to help keep things organized and tidy, or do you think he wants them put away thusly in an attempt to dissapear your past and part of who you are as a whole person? Practical or symbolic? Would he be happy if you just put those things on a shelf? Why a big bin?


lynn11374 said:


> he then says instead of horseback riding I should be spending time looking for our cat who has been missing since July 4. He says he is disappointed in how I choose to spend my free time. He is still looking for the cat and I have stopped. He says I am selfish and I don’t care about him and I don’t care about the cat who is our child.


No, a cat is not a child. A cat is a cat and a child is a small human that the both of you would have created. If your cat has been missing since July then its dead and there really is not a purpose to go out looking for it unless its important to you to bury its remains. I'm sorry for the loss of your pet, by the way. Do you think that finding the remains of your cat take priority over you spending time with your horse and doing the thing that you love?


lynn11374 said:


> Well we started yelling at each other, and then he pushed me although not hard, Which completely shocked me. He apologized for it later, saying that I was in his way.


What steps will you take to ensure that he knows that escalating to the physical shall never happen again?


lynn11374 said:


> He also feels that I should offer to help do some work for his business, I see that he is stressed out because he was down 2 employees who tested positive for the virus, also his business partner left him in April. I currently work a full-time corporate job that stresses me out beyond belief, and the last thing I feel like doing is free labor for his company. But maybe the right thing to do would be to offer? He says he picks me up and drops me off at the airport at times for my job so it’s only fair that I would help him. Doing work for him worries me that I would do something wrong and then he would be upset at me.


Your worth six figures in your day job, so why in the world would you provide free labor to a business that you have no financial or legal interest in? If he needs labor he should place an add and go hire someone and pay them a fair wage. If he wants you to work for him he should do the same or assign you some rights in the business. He should feel ashamed for proposing this, and you'd be a dupe for agreeing to it. I would be questioning this persons integrity about now. Are you?



lynn11374 said:


> I know I have attributes that can be frustrating to him, I do tend to be scattered and disorganized. I can understand the frustration. But lately I just feel like I cannot do anything right. Then I think about how his business partner left him, and my boyfriend’s family seems to be taking sides with the business partner. Then I start to think that it’s not on me that’s the problem. I don’t know. He is very loving and affectionate, and is always there to help me.
> 
> but I constantly feel like I am not good enough. I bring in over 6 figure salary, I am fit and attractive, educated and smart and have interests.. Yes I have my issues that make me difficult to live with sometimes.


I'm glad you feel that he is loving and affectionate, but it sounds to me like he is also manipulative, and I would guess that the "loving and affectionate" is the lube that's making the "manipulative" work. What's his pattern of relationships in the past, and did they involve his business? Do you think he might need some of that six figure income of yours to help make the house payment or keep the business afloat? How did he/you pay for the remodel?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you’re not good enough — for him. And you never will be. I would leave if I were you but you need to decide that for yourself. He’s not going to change so, if you stay, just know that what you’re dealing with now is what you’ll continue to deal with as long as you’re with him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

A lot of what he seems to say is to try and keep the upper hand in the relationship -- so that HE controls things between you. He sounds pretty manipulative to be honest.

Why can't he HELP you do the work in the attic? You BOTH should do that since you can't move the bins.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sounds like what he wants in a relationship is a maid and free labor.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Why can't he HELP you do the work in the attic? You BOTH should do that since you can't move the bins.


I have asked him to help me and he just stands there shaking his head. I don't even know where specifically he wants to the bins so I suggested he show me but no movement on that.


Thisnotthat said:


> What's his pattern of relationships in the past, and did they involve his business? Do you think he might need some of that six figure income of yours to help make the house payment or keep the business afloat? How did he/you pay for the remodel?


Early in our relationship he complained that his ex wife wouldn't help stuff envelopes at night for his business when he was just starting out. she told him she already had a job. Knowing him, I don't necessarily think we wants free labor, I think it's kind of an expectation of his that a loving and selfless SO should want to help him and offer to do so. so then I sound like a selfish and heartless a-hole when he says I should be doing that and am I saying "no". For the remodel, we are paying 50/50. He definitely contributes financially although the house is entirely in my name due to my better credit score.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Just because he says something does not make it true. You have value as a human being, not a human doing. He should love you unconditionally, not according to how much work you do. Sorta sounds like no matter how hard you 'dance', there will always be something else or something wrong?

Why did his ex-wife leave, his business partner? I'm wondering if y'all could work on better communication to ease the tension in the lives of both of you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story now. 

I think you’ll stay, having waited that long for him, but you really shouldn’t.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lynn11374 said:


> I have asked him to help me and he just stands there shaking his head. I don't even know where specifically he wants to the bins so I suggested he show me but no movement on that.


So, if HE won't help and gives no explanation, then why does he expect YOUR help?
Just flat out tell him -- you help, or it won't get done....

He sounds very tit-for-tat childish...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lynn11374 said:


> We have been Living together for four years. Over the weekend we had a huge argument. A few months ago, due to being cooped up because of the pandemic, I decided to pursue an old past time, horseback riding and I go twice a week, two hours each time including the commute there and back. boyfriend has some things on his list he wants me to accomplish, such as getting the attic cleaned and organized. He bought these gigantic bins from Home Depot and asked me to put all of my things in the bins and then stack them along the walls. So I have started making a few bins, but now they are so big and heavy I can’t really move them. He is complaining that he goes in the attic and he can’t get into the attic because the bins are sitting there, And there are still cardboard boxes up there with my belongings that need to be put in the bins. I don’t really want to put them all in the bins because once they are in there in stacked, I will never be able to access them again. It’s not an enormous amount of stuff like you would see on hoarders. It’s the belongings that I had from my prior life before I met him. A lot of it consists of books, kitchen items, and decor. Our house is currently in the stage of renovation, we do not have all the furniture to house things so they are temporarily in the attic. I physically can’t move and carry these bins. He then says, you manage to find time to go horseback riding but you can’t clean the attic.
> 
> he then says instead of horseback riding I should be spending time looking for our cat who has been missing since July 4. He says he is disappointed in how I choose to spend my free time. He is still looking for the cat and I have stopped. He says I am selfish and I don’t care about him and I don’t care about the cat who is our child.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I can see him being upset if he asked you to clean up your stuff and you don't for months, but that's where it stops. Your free time is your own he shouldn't give you a hard time for how you spend it. If he needs your help with his business maybe he should just ask you like a normal person. And pushing you is a hard stop. You know that too. 

I wouldn't say YOU are not good for him.

Can I ask how old you are? Is this your first serious relationship?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And he pushed you? No.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its sounds to me as if you two arent really compatable and he sounds like a man who is very hard to please. People like that are not easy to live with at all. 
Have a think about whether this is the way you want to live for the rest of your life. You arent married so you are free to go anytime.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Maybe there is a compromise here, Make a plan to work together on the attic and then work together on his businesses. Maybe just an hour on each task, over upcoming weekends.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

a lot of red flags here...

I'm curious why his business partner left him. And his family taking the business partner's side? What? 

If I had to ask for my GF's help with my business "I'll pay you for your time, and I understand if you don't want to do it" would be part or my request. I can't imagine demanding my partner work for free... I can't imagine demanding another adult spend their free time doing anything for that matter.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

During that period when he was not pushing his divorce along, and spending time with his STBXW, that was an indication of what was important and it wasn’t your relationship. He wanted you to use your credit to buy a house and that was important to him. Think about that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He has control issues and anger issues. And they’re directed at you.

If he wants to get married, don’t. You’ll just go from bad to worse.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

This has the sound of an abusive relationship. He pushes you, but somehow _you _end up feeling "selfish and heartless". You need to talk to someone with expertise in abusive relationships.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

TomNebraska said:


> 'm curious why his business partner left him. And his family taking the business partner's side? What?


According to the lawsuit, his business partner left him to due "oppressive behavior." Bf's brother invited the ex business partner to his birthday party about a month ago and did not invite BF. The brother has worked as a paid employee for BF, but BF stopped employing him due his erratic behavior stemming from his alcoholism. The mother was at the birthday party with her son and BF's ex business partner. The mother also works as an employee and recently threatened to quit due to her feeling belittled by him for making a mistake. Same scenario with an old high school friend, also worked for him and left for same reason. Now all of these people including the business partner were making a lot of mistakes such as shipping out the wrong packages, constant spelling errors in emails to customers, spelling and other errors on advertisements. All of these are issues that would not be acceptable at my job, but maybe it's the manner in which he addressed it with them.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

sokillme said:


> an I ask how old you are? Is this your first serious relationship?


I am 46, was married for 16 prior to this relationship. Had quite a few flings and dates in my life but these are the only 2 "real" relationships I've been in. My ex H was verbally and emotionally abusive for the majority of the marriage, calling me the worst names imaginable as he would get frustrated with my disorganization (which I have worked on and improved since the divorce but I'll never be neat-freak).


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lynn11374 said:


> ... Now all of these people including the business partner were making a lot of mistakes such as shipping out the wrong packages, constant spelling errors in emails to customers, spelling and other errors on advertisements. All of these are issues that would not be acceptable at my job, but maybe it's the manner in which he addressed it with them.


What is that saying? If you meet an A-hole in the morning, it's them. If you meet A-holes all day long it's you?

You really believe all these people are making mistakes like that, and your BF is the innocent one at his company? Guessing he's an abusive boss and they're all sick of him. Hard to see it any other way when his own mother and brother take his partner's side over his. 



lynn11374 said:


> I am 46, was married for 16 prior to this relationship. Had quite a few flings and dates in my life but these are the only 2 "real" relationships I've been in. My ex H was verbally and emotionally abusive for the majority of the marriage, calling me the worst names imaginable as he would get frustrated with my disorganization (which I have worked on and improved since the divorce but I'll never be neat-freak).


You seem to attract a "type" here... probably best approach would be to get out of this abusive relationship, and work on why your long term relationships end up with guys like this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lynn11374 said:


> I am 46, was married for 16 prior to this relationship. Had quite a few flings and dates in my life but these are the only 2 "real" relationships I've been in. My ex H was verbally and emotionally abusive for the majority of the marriage, calling me the worst names imaginable as he would get frustrated with my disorganization (which I have worked on and improved since the divorce but I'll never be neat-freak).


So when you say disorganized, your not a hoarder are you because that is something very different and to someone who is not a hoarder that is going to be an impossible thing to live with? If you are, maybe you should get some help with that. Also people get annoyed with people they live with. This is pretty typical. 

That being said, what you describe in both relationships seems extreme and maybe you need to look at your picker. One thing that might be a tell is that you said in your earlier post about not feeling worthy. This points to some self esteem issue. It's not your responsibility to be worthy of love, your responsibility is to be good to people. Now you can do things to endear you to people but you need to stop thinking about being good enough to be loved. This is a really harsh way to think about relationships and just sets you up to be treated badly. What you are doing is setting up deals with yourself and with your spouse, things they might not even be aware of. Sometimes the deals are unfair for the spouse, and sometimes deals are unfair for person making them. And they're always unfair if one person doesn't know about them.

The idea that if I just do this right then I will be loved is just not a good way to think. Love doesn't work like that. Don't get me wrong you can do damage to destroy love and you can do things to build it. But don't make the mistake of liking being loved to your worth. I mean think about it. Does that mean everyone who is single is unworthy? 

It's better to try to be the best person you can be because it's the right thing to do, become confident in that. Eventually you no longer worry if you are worthy, but you will expect just as much from who you are with. 

Anyway maybe you should get some IC.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

well I guess he has found a solution to me not helping him with his business. He just hired his ex wife. saw a text message pop up on his computer, and I just drove to his office/warehouse and her car is there.

I'm sitting here shaking, I don't know what to do


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Get out.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Get out.


I did this to myself by refusing to help him when he needed help.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lynn11374 said:


> I did this to myself by refusing to help him when he needed help.


I’m going to be blunt. He’s played you from the beginning — I remember your story — and you refuse to see it. You are a very emphatic person and abusers see you coming. He did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He hasnt cut the emotional ties with his ex. He isnt ready for another relationship until he does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For what it’s worth, I think he’ll stay with you as long as he finds you useful and then he’ll find someone else who allows him to use them. Or maybe he’ll eventually go back to his ex-wife. But there’s a reason he’s been with you for several years and IMO it has nothing to do with love.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lynn11374 said:


> I did this to myself by refusing to help him when he needed help.


Sadly, this is the mindset that keeps you in this relationship.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

He is going to say I left him with no choice, he was drowning and she was available to work and here I am being selfish again making this about me. I can hear it now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apparently you’re determined to stay with him as long as he wants you to. That means you’ll have to learn to live with his **** because he’s not changing.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

lynn11374 said:


> He is going to say I left him with no choice, he was drowning and she was available to work and here I am being selfish again making this about me. I can hear it now.


Who the _ cares about what he’s going to say? ! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lynn11374 said:


> He is going to say I left him with no choice, he was drowning and she was available to work and here I am being selfish again making this about me. I can hear it now.


You CHOOSE to hear it. You are not FORCED to hear it.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

I’m not in a situation where I can easily move out today, with multiple dogs and renovation work going on in the house, and not knowing anyone in the area that can take me in. I can kick him out I suppose but my thought is to start planning my exit. I do want to confront him about seeing his ex wife’s car at his company.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lynn11374 said:


> I’m not in a situation where I can easily move out today, with multiple dogs and renovation work going on in the house, and not knowing anyone in the area that can take me in. I can kick him out I suppose but my thought is to start planning my exit. I do want to confront him about seeing his ex wife’s car at his company.


You have TONS of options to detach from him emotionally and prepare to permanently leave, it's just a matter of you being willing to implement them.

Is the house in your name only? Do you make enough money to spend a week somewhere else until you can clear your head...? And as you think about those questions and others, don't think of reasons why it won't work, think of ways to MAKE the options you do have, work.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lynn11374 said:


> I do want to confront him about seeing his ex wife’s car at his company.


^^This^^ is part of your problem. He minimizes or dismisses what you say and shows you disrespect. Yet you want to go drink from that poison well again. What do you hope to accomplish by confronting him? Because from where I'm sitting, he's just going to twist it around to be your fault. 

If you really want to exit this relationship, it would behoove you to spend less time worrying about his issues and more time figuring out how you can leave.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are always “reasons” to stay. I know. I played that game for decades.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is the house titled in both your names? If it is, you can’t kick him out. If it isn’t, he’ll want to be reimbursed for every penny he’s spent on it and even then I doubt he’ll go quietly.

Sure, you can confront him but it won’t do any good. He’ll just twist it around so that it’s all your fault. That’s his pattern.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Openminded said:


> There are always “reasons” to stay. I know. I played that game for decades.


It’s not just the practical reasons. The sex is incredible, he gives me more affection than I’ve ever had from anyone. He takes care of my dogs more than I do, and we enjoy a lot of the same things. Loves to spend time together. He has no kids which is rare at this age and I don’t want to deal with everything that comes with someone else’s kids, even grown ones. If he was just some dipsh*t even 25% of the time I’d be gone without a word. I’m 46, not 26 so it’s not like I’ll have my pick of the perfect and most desirable man if I leave him. 

I’m not saying I won’t leave, it’s definitely on the table at this point, I just need to be really sure it’s the best decision and that being without not only the bad things but the good as well is going to put me in a better situation. If I were 10 years younger I wouldn’t be so hesitant.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lynn11374 said:


> It’s not just the practical reasons. The sex is incredible, he gives me more affection than I’ve ever had from anyone. He takes care of my dogs more than I do, and we enjoy a lot of the same things. Loves to spend time together. He has no kids which is rare at this age and I don’t want to deal with everything that comes with someone else’s kids, even grown ones. If he was just some dipsh*t even 25% of the time I’d be gone without a word. I’m 46, not 26 so it’s not like I’ll have my pick of the perfect and most desirable man if I leave him.
> 
> I’m not saying I won’t leave, it’s definitely on the table at this point, I just need to be really sure it’s the best decision and that being without not only the bad things but the good as well is going to put me in a better situation. If I were 10 years younger I wouldn’t be so hesitant.


I‘ve followed your story from the beginning years ago. I can generally spot who’ll leave and who’ll stay. I’ve always thought you would stay for all those “reasons” you just listed. That means you’ll have to learn to put up with whatever he dishes out for as long as he chooses to stay. Why? Because he’s the one with the power and he knows it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lynn11374 said:


> I’m 46, not 26 so it’s not like I’ll have my pick of the perfect and most desirable man if I leave him.


All I can tell you is, based on personal experience and once thinking I just HAD to have a man in my life, that in 20 years from now you will be shaking your head. Wondering why you ever put up with crap just for the sake of having a man. 

I'd suggest you stay and suck it up. Quit complaining. Quit confronting. Take the good with the bad. There's nothing wrong with staying. My philosophy has always been if someone chooses to stay, then they have to make the best of it and roll with the punches. Seriously.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lynn11374 said:


> *I’m 46, not 26 so it’s not like I’ll have my pick of the perfect and most desirable man if I leave him.*


Your mindset with this is bewildering to me - you've got to realize that men at our age actually are the most perfect and desirable than at any other time of their lives...right?? How can you not see men in their 50s and older and not find them very attractive? 

Ladies...am I crazy here...?? Lol!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lynn11374 said:


> I did this to myself by refusing to help him when he needed help.


ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! THIS is why you need to take a break from this relationship...you are blaming yourself for things that healthy partners would never accept!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> can you not see men in their 50s and older and not find them very attractive?


I agree with you on this; however, as many men get older, they start looking for younger women. I've seen it time and time again. Sad, but true.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> I agree with you on this; however, as many men get older, they start looking for younger women. I've seen it time and time again. Sad, but true.


I guess I can understand this, especially as I am more attracted men who are older than my own age, so I would be a "younger woman" to them (even though I'm not young at all! Lol!!)

There are also younger men who like older women (but they don't really attract me at all), so maybe it evens out in some way?


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> I agree with you on this; however, as many men get older, they start looking for younger women. I've seen it time and time again. Sad, but true.


My 47 yo Ex H just married a 30 year old. Says she makes him feel young again, she wants to go out and do things. Almost every divorced man I know has gone quite a bit younger the second time around, and in dating apps I’ve seen the most common upper age limit preference listed at 45 no matter how old they themselves are.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

lynn11374 said:


> My 47 yo Ex H just married a 30 year old. Says she makes him feel young again, she wants to go out and do things. Almost every divorced man I know has gone quite a bit younger the second time around, and in dating apps I’ve seen the most common upper age limit preference listed at 45 no matter how old they themselves are.


This is bizarre to me. I'm in my early 60s, and would not consider dating a woman nearly 20 years younger than me. But, also, I don't want to date a woman who is uninterested in life -- who thinks of herself as "too old for all that".


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you believe this bf of yours makes you feel you're not good enough, I'm questioning why you'd stay with him. There are actually worse things in this life than being without a man. Seriously.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> If you believe this bf of yours makes you feel you're not good enough, I'm questioning why you'd stay with him. There are actually worse things in this life than being without a man. Seriously.


I guess I wonder if maybe I should be tryIng harder. Maybe I’m being lazy and any man would want more from a relationship then I am giving. Maybe he’s right. 

About being without a man - I’m someone who has a need for physical contact and sex. Sex with random people is not what I’m looking for at this stage of life, which leaves a relationship the only way to get it


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lynn11374 said:


> Maybe he’s right.


Maybe he's wrong. I apologize if you've answered this question and I missed it, but have you tried therapy? Strong boundaries and a strong sense of self might help you decide for yourself if this guy is acceptable in the long term.


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