# Should we remain friends?



## plomito

Hello,
Background:

We had some issues were she accused me of cheating and hide things from her, and all of the sudden she started with the i can't deal with this anymore and filled for divorce. I tried everything possible to bring her back and fix things, but i also found out she had a friend (co-worker) i confronted her about this guy, because he texted her a lot but she always denied it and of course because she filled, she felt she didn't need to give me an explanation. 

After all was set and done, and i came across a conversation she had with her friend, and of course she all of the sudden was speechless. 

I always wanted to have some sort of connection with her after divorce because she is the mother of my children, and i don't want to feel disconnected, but after the discovery is hard for me to even say hi, because after all those years of accusing me, and denying her affair, i showed her i was right, it wasn't me all this time it was her having an affair. 

I just want to know, how should i handle this going forward, kids are and i make it my priority to see them as much as possible and be in their life, but i know situations will pop up were we might need to talk or even attend together as parents, and i can't lie, right at this moment i have 0 respect for her and nothing good will come out my mouth if she says the wrong thing to me.

Looking forward to some feedback, and thanks for reading this mess


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## 225985

She filed for divorce because she was cheating. You should not have any contact with her whatsoever that is not directly related to discussions about the kids. You don't need to attend events as parents. You schedule your own meetings with the teachers. If graduation events, you sit separately from her.

Use text or email as much as possible. 

You are not and never will be "friends". Stop using that word. At this point she is only the mother of your children, nothing more. 

BTW, you cannot remain friends because you stopped being friends when you found the cheating. You don't have to hate her. Just be indifferent.


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## *Deidre*

She never was your ''friend.'' Friends don't do what she did, so maybe just be kind to her for the sake of the kids, but I wouldn't ask about her life, or ''pretend'' you're friends, because that's all it will be, a fake friendship. You don't need to be her friend, she's not yours.


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## MrsHolland

In your situation I would co parent and no more.


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## Cooper

At this point she is nothing more than a business associate, the business being raising the kids. The "friends" word should never enter the equation, you don't need to be friends to work together on being good parents. Be cordial, be direct, be mature, nothing more and nothing less.


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## Ynot

I agree with the others. You can never be friends with this woman. That doesn't mean you can't be friendly and polite in your dealings with her. You say, Hello, Thank You please and Goodbye - and even that you do for the sake of the kids. Firnedship is based on trust, she has destroyed (or should have) any trust there was between the two of you.


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## Bananapeel

What I don't really understand is why do you want to maintain a connection with her? How long ago was the divorce and cheating? Has enough time passed yet that you have made your own life without her? If it hasn't been long then just give it some time and try to see how you feel in six months or a year. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with wanting to be friends with an ex, the problem occurs when you consider someone that lies, cheats, and destroys your family a good enough person to be friends with. 

In a few days I'm coming up on my one year divorceversary and it took me about 3-6 months post divorce to go through the whole cycle of wanting to maintain a friendship with my XWW (I said it was for the kids), to disliking her (for what she did to break up my kid's family), to eventually just not caring and maintain a civil relationship (this is actually best for the kids). Going through the cycle is one of the normal healthy responses, but try to recognize it for what it is and don't act on it.


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## bandit.45

Have you exposed the truth to the rest of the family? Do they know why the two of you really divorced? If the divorce is settled and there is no issues with custody, I would notify her parents and siblings and tell them the truth. God knows she has been spreading lies about you and getting everyone to hate you.

Doing this will go a long ways towards helping you heal, and detaching from her further.


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## Betrayedone

I am going full nuclear with my ex.....I told her upfront that once she divorces me she will never lay eyes on me again. I have older kids and they understand this because I have discussed this with them. I choose to never have to experience the pain or awkwardness of ever being in the same room ever again. My choice.


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## 3Xnocharm

Be amicable and cooperative co-parents. Nothing more. No chit chat about what is going on in your lives, no doing favors for each other, no NOTHING other than your kids.


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## NoChoice

Friendly but not friends.


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## Evinrude58

Do you want to be in pain for the rest of your life?????? If so, invest thought into whether she still breathes. 

If you want to move forward, heal, and find happiness with yourself and perhaps meet a woman who truly IS your friend, never lay eyes on her any more than you have to, don't EVER consider chit-chatting with her and giving her ego kibbles, and basically ONLY deal with her in a matter-of-fact tone. 

You can be friends with a snake if you want. But play with a snake and you're gonna get bit.
BTW, mine tried the same thing as yours. But she knew dang well I wouldn't be phased by her saying I'm a cheater. SO she just said I was a bad husband and father and she wanted to be treated like a princess........
JMO.


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## 5Creed

Please listen to what others are saying. For some people; it is difficult to cut those ties and forge ahead with the new but "non" relationship with your ex. I tried this for quite some time being friends with my ex. He would call and want to talk about life etc. I finally realized it was just his guilt doing this for what his cheating had done to my family and if I was still nice to him; then all was well! It just kept me mired in crap and further limbo and was so painful. I didn't see it at the time because I made excuses that it was best for the kids, for my family to not be uncomfortable because 5Creed could just look past all that had happened. It was one big mess. Now that I have stopped doing this and only discuss the children when I absolutely have to with him, I feel so much relief. My boundaries are up high and tight with him now and he resisted at first and bothered me to no end. Funny how someone will quit all that when they get no response from you. The only thing that worked with him was my doing just this!

Start doing this sooner than later. You will heal much faster this way.


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## NextTimeAround

My exH suggested the friends path with me. I considered his behaviour up to that poin: cherry picking my friends to be his; planning activities and letting me the last to know about them; allowing his friends to be rude to me.......

I asked myself, did I want more of them just to show what a good sport I am. the answer was no.

and the other thing I would advise you, OP, to do is to avoid people who have any contact with your ex. Or you may be surprised how much you will be the subject of their conversations.


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## itsontherocks

I find it interesting that in the rare instance when the husband files for the divorce, the wife has no interest in talking again or attempting on reconciliation. Yet, when the wife files for the divorce, the husband seems to want to try and reconcillate. Anyone else notice this? I am also taking in to consideration if the two do not have any children together.


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## bandit.45

Another hit and run.


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## plomito

Sorry people for late reply, wow amazing feedback thank you so much.

The whole cheating situation must had been going for a while, i always suspected about a friend (co-worker) she had, but every time i said something she would tell me that i was making up things. Then 3 years ago things started to fall apart to the point that she didn't even want to touch me, and that is when we decided it was time to call it quits, of course she will blame me that it was all my fault because she was tired of me cheating on her, but all that time it was her. 

I honestly wanted to maintain good communication with her, but you guys made really good points, and in reality after discovering the last piece of the puzzle and confronting her, i have no respect for her and i can't even look at her face without feeling like i want to say bunch of things i am going to regret. I just rather stick to conversations about the kids, and nothing more, funny thing is now she tries to text me and joke here and there but my answers are short and unless is something regarding our children i don't answer.


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## plomito

bandit.45 said:


> Have you exposed the truth to the rest of the family? Do they know why the two of you really divorced? If the divorce is settled and there is no issues with custody, I would notify her parents and siblings and tell them the truth. God knows she has been spreading lies about you and getting everyone to hate you.
> 
> Doing this will go a long ways towards helping you heal, and detaching from her further.


So far nobody from her family side has contacted me, and i honestly doubt they will, but if a friend in common ask me, why not. Is not fair i get painted like the bad guy, when i caught her cheating with somebody that she works with and used to bring to family events.


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## bandit.45

Well fvck 'em


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## bandit.45

I wouldn't wait for them Go ahead an send them an e-mail or msg on Facebook.


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## plomito

itsontherocks said:


> I find it interesting that in the rare instance when the husband files for the divorce, the wife has no interest in talking again or attempting on reconciliation. Yet, when the wife files for the divorce, the husband seems to want to try and reconcillate. Anyone else notice this? I am also taking in to consideration if the two do not have any children together.


Well i tried because i was raised in a home were my dad left and i used to see him like once a month, and i didn't want that for my children. I won't lie we been together for 18 years but after discovering the cheating, i just wanted out. Friends, maybe because i thought it would help the children see that we can co-exist but in reality i could care less if she talks to me or not, i lost all respect and at this point my concern is the children.


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## Evinrude58

If your wife cheated on you, why is it a secret that YOU are supposed to keep. I don't believe it's in the marriage vows that you can't tell anyone if one of you cheats on the other.

Matter of fact, it's best for everyone to know that she did, and so they understand and don't have hard feelings toward you. You can bet that the "secret keeper" hasn't kept any secrets about EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THING you ever did in your whole marriage. I'll bet that she has probably got all her friends and family thinking you are a total monster. 

For her to expect you not to ever mention her infidelity is evidence of the absolute remorseless attitude that she has. Narcissism comes to mind.

My advice: Put her family and friends in the rear view mirror and move on. Take an IDGAF attitude about the entire marriage and her family and friends. Just forget them.

New friends can be found. A new life can be lived. YOU don't have to be held hostage by your wife's guilt, or your feelings for her and them. You just have to let it all go.


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## plomito

bandit.45 said:


> I wouldn't wait for them Go ahead an send them an e-mail or msg on Facebook.


I honestly don't want anything to do with them or anybody related to her, because for all i know prob they all knew what was going on and they kept hidden from me. This has been going on for a while and i just finished putting the pieces together and trust me,, her affair is nothing recent.

Let karma handle it.


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## bandit.45

plomito said:


> I honestly don't want anything to do with them or anybody related to her, because for all i know prob they all knew what was going on and they kept hidden from me. This has been going on for a while and i just finished putting the pieces together and trust me,, her affair is nothing recent.
> 
> Let karma handle it.


Just make sure you protect your rep.


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## plomito

Evinrude58 said:


> If your wife cheated on you, why is it a secret that YOU are supposed to keep. I don't believe it's in the marriage vows that you can't tell anyone if one of you cheats on the other.
> 
> Matter of fact, it's best for everyone to know that she did, and so they understand and don't have hard feelings toward you. You can bet that the "secret keeper" hasn't kept any secrets about EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THING you ever did in your whole marriage. I'll bet that she has probably got all her friends and family thinking you are a total monster.
> 
> For her to expect you not to ever mention her infidelity is evidence of the absolute remorseless attitude that she has. Narcissism comes to mind.
> 
> My advice: Put her family and friends in the rear view mirror and move on. Take an IDGAF attitude about the entire marriage and her family and friends. Just forget them.
> 
> New friends can be found. A new life can be lived. YOU don't have to be held hostage by your wife's guilt, or your feelings for her and them. You just have to let it all go.


I am trying to put all of them behind and move on, right now the only connection is our children. We do have couple of friends in common, but so far none of them have try to contact me, and honestly i doubt they will. 

My attitude is just like you mention..IDGAF and move on with my life and meet somebody that will make me happy


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## plomito

bandit.45 said:


> Just make sure you protect your rep.


Of course, trust me key people are aware of what really happened and if I get asked I have no need to lie or try to protect her image.. 

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## becareful2

Limit communication to texting only, and only about the kids. Keep the texting short with "yes, no, etc." No need to converse or reminisce about anything.


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## plomito

becareful2 said:


> Limit communication to texting only, and only about the kids. Keep the texting short with "yes, no, etc." No need to converse or reminisce about anything.


Agree, I won't lie at first I wanted to remain friendly but I noticed I wasn't moving on and after I change the strategy little by little I'm finding my inner peace 

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## bandit.45

plomito said:


> Agree, I won't lie at first I wanted to remain friendly but I noticed I wasn't moving on and after I change the strategy little by little I'm finding my inner peace
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


Keep moving and breathing, moving and breathing. One day at a time. After a time you will get to where your ex is nothing but some chick you used to know way back . She will end up a footnote to your life.


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## Spicy

Hmmmm....

I have been divorced about 2 years, and I am remarried. 
I DEFINTIELY am still friends with my XH and we work very, very hard to co-parent very lovingly and efficiently. Forgiving was the key for us, and we are both still healing. 

I'm not saying we hang out all the time or anything, but we have no issue eating a meal together with the kids or filling each other in on health stuff, or sharing photos of our kids etc.

I always want to be his friend. My husband agrees and supports that fully, as his divorced parents are still friends and his dad and stepdad ended up as best friends.

I understand that this isn't the norm. IF you can forgive her, and have a moderate friendship, that is really great for everyone. It really makes our kids happy to see us always having good interaction. I understand that is not the consensus here, but that is my experience, so take it for what it is worth. 

I wish you all healing and happiness.


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## bandit.45

Spicy said:


> Hmmmm....
> 
> I have been divorced about 2 years, and I am remarried.
> I DEFINTIELY am still friends with my XH and we work very, very hard to co-parent very lovingly and efficiently. Forgiving was the key for us, and we are both still healing.
> 
> I'm not saying we hang out all the time or anything, but we have no issue eating a meal together with the kids or filling each other in on health stuff, or sharing photos of our kids etc.
> 
> I always want to be his friend. My husband agrees and supports that fully, as his divorced parents are still friends and his dad and stepdad ended up as best friends.
> 
> I understand that this isn't the norm. IF you can forgive her, and have a moderate friendship, that is really great for everyone. It really makes our kids happy to see us always having good interaction. I understand that is not the consensus here, but that is my experience, so take it for what it is worth.
> 
> I wish you all healing and happiness.


I assume your ex obviously didn't lie to people, accuse you of cheating and destroying the marriage, and actively try to destroy your rep.


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## 5Creed

Spicy said:


> Hmmmm....
> 
> I have been divorced about 2 years, and I am remarried.
> I DEFINTIELY am still friends with my XH and we work very, very hard to co-parent very lovingly and efficiently. Forgiving was the key for us, and we are both still healing.
> 
> I'm not saying we hang out all the time or anything, but we have no issue eating a meal together with the kids or filling each other in on health stuff, or sharing photos of our kids etc.
> 
> I always want to be his friend. My husband agrees and supports that fully, as his divorced parents are still friends and his dad and stepdad ended up as best friends.
> 
> I understand that this isn't the norm. IF you can forgive her, and have a moderate friendship, that is really great for everyone. It really makes our kids happy to see us always having good interaction. I understand that is not the consensus here, but that is my experience, so take it for what it is worth.
> 
> I wish you all healing and happiness.


I wanted this so much for my family as well and I am glad it has worked out for you all. However; it takes two people to make this work and in my case my STBX was saying one thing to me and quite the opposite to his family and friends; how I was so unhappy and that is the only reason I left or in his words broke up our family. In reality, he was cheating on me for some time and this was somehow not disclosed. Of course I was unhappy with his lies and cheating!

It doesn't happen very often, but when it does I know everyone is working at it! Very happy it did in your case.


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## 5Creed

bandit.45 said:


> I assume your ex obviously didn't lie to people, accuse you of cheating and destroying the marriage, and actively try to destroy your rep.


Posted too soon; this exactly!


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## GusPolinski

Make a conscious decision to remove her from your life to the absolute furthest degree possible.

IOW, co-parent and nothing more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy

5Creed said:


> I wanted this so much for my family as well and I am glad it has worked out for you all. However; it takes two people to make this work and in my case my STBX was saying one thing to me and quite the opposite to his family and friends; how I was so unhappy and that is the only reason I left or in his words broke up our family. In reality, he was cheating on me for some time and this was somehow not disclosed. Of course I was unhappy with his lies and cheating!
> 
> It doesn't happen very often, but when it does I know everyone is working at it! Very happy it did in your case.


I should add that it not was smooth at first. The first six months no longer living together were super rocky. In fact I remember telling my now MIL that I felt like things were never going to get better, but she kept assuring me to give it time. She was right. Time does help a lot. I am totally in agreement that you both have to work on it though. So hopefully your ex will realize that at some point and join the right team.


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## Spicy

bandit.45 said:


> I assume your ex obviously didn't lie to people, accuse you of cheating and destroying the marriage, and actively try to destroy your rep.


Correct. I understand that my experience is not the norm, but it is all I have to draw from, and occasionally it might be helpful to others.


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## plomito

Spicy said:


> I should add that it not was smooth at first. The first six months no longer living together were super rocky. In fact I remember telling my now MIL that I felt like things were never going to get better, but she kept assuring me to give it time. She was right. Time does help a lot. I am totally in agreement that you both have to work on it though. So hopefully your ex will realize that at some point and join the right team.


Well I know right now is hard because of the recent events, but I don't carry hate n my heart.. I know eventually she will pay for her mistakes but in the meantime I just want what is best for the kids. 

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## MrsHolland

Spicy said:


> Correct. I understand that my experience is not the norm, but it is all I have to draw from, and occasionally it might be helpful to others.


6 years since divorce.
No cheating, marriage came to its natural ending.
3 kids.

We have remained very amicable, first 12 months were very difficult but we both have worked hard to have a healthy post divorce relationship. 

We did 50/50 co parenting from day one.

Had no Lawyers involved in our financial agreement. No Lawyers involved in any part of the divorce. 

We share most occasions, birthdays, Christmas, kids events etc. He and my partner get along, ex goes for dinner with just my dad a few times a year.

We still hold combined investments, I don't even remember the bank log in details but I trust the ex.

I would co parent with him but no more if there had been cheating in our marriage. There is no comparison between a marriage that ended with cheating and one that didn't.


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## Spicy

MrsHolland said:


> 6 years since divorce.
> No cheating, marriage came to its natural ending.
> 3 kids.
> 
> We have remained very amicable, first 12 months were very difficult but we both have worked hard to have a healthy post divorce relationship.
> 
> We did 50/50 co parenting from day one.
> 
> Had no Lawyers involved in our financial agreement. No Lawyers involved in any part of the divorce.
> 
> We share most occasions, birthdays, Christmas, kids events etc. He and my partner get along, ex goes for dinner with just my dad a few times a year.
> 
> We still hold combined investments, I don't even remember the bank log in details but I trust the ex.
> 
> I would co parent with him but no more if there had been cheating in our marriage. There is no comparison between a marriage that ended with cheating and one that didn't.


Yep, you nearly described us to a T. Glad for you both and your kids.


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## MrsHolland

Spicy said:


> Yep, you nearly described us to a T. Glad for you both and your kids.


Maybe I was being too obtuse. When I first came to TAM I used to think that all divorces could/should be like ours but listening to others stories gave more perspective.

Listing all the ways my post divorce relationship with the ex was to show that I would not accommodate a relationship with him beyond co parenting IF the marriage ended due to cheating.

There is a vast difference between divorce due to cheating v's no cheating. It is far easier to have a healthy post divorce relationship if no cheating was involved. In the OPs case I would only co parent and not pursue anything else.


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## plomito

MrsHolland said:


> Maybe I was being too obtuse. When I first came to TAM I used to think that all divorces could/should be like ours but listening to others stories gave more perspective.
> 
> Listing all the ways my post divorce relationship with the ex was to show that I would not accommodate a relationship with him beyond co parenting IF the marriage ended due to cheating.
> 
> There is a vast difference between divorce due to cheating v's no cheating. It is far easier to have a healthy post divorce relationship if no cheating was involved. In the OPs case I would only co parent and not pursue anything else.


I agree, is hard to look at her in my case and try to be nice when I know she was being unfaithful and lying about it. I would had loved to be like some of you because of the children but at least for now.. I totally doubt that can happen 

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## MrsHolland

OP I read a book called "spiritual divorce" by Debbie Ford when my marriage ended, being a non religious person I skipped the god references.

It helped enormously with post divorce healing. Not saying it is the answer to your post divorce situation but it might help you along the path to becoming a very healthy divorced person. It is about taking responsibility for our own failings and fault in the marriage ending. If your end goal is to have an amicable situation despite the cheating then this book may help.

All power to you and best wishes.


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## Spicy

plomito said:


> I agree, is hard to look at her in my case and try to be nice when I know she was being unfaithful and lying about it. I would had loved to be like some of you because of the children but at least for now.. I totally doubt that can happen
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


Correct, the way things are right now, it does seem impossible. Our love for our kids as parents is an amazing thing. I know it is what kept me there, in a miserable marriage, so they could still have their picture perfect world as long as possible. We never discussed our problems in front of them, so us seperating came as massive shock to them. 

My XH didn't want the divorce. That made it rough. Still, from both sides they got a continued front of two parents that were on the same page, and didn't bash each other. This over time has lead to us being able to be friendly as we coparent. 

If the day ever comes that she comes clean to you and asks you for forgiveness, consider trying it. It's not like you are going to get back together if you accept an apology and forgive. It could help you get past that part of your life, and let go of some of that anger and resentment. Then you will have more good energy to share with your kiddos. 

The key again: time and forgiveness 

Also, I believe forgiveness is good for your heart. If you can manage it, I recommend it.


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## NextTimeAround

Spicy said:


> Correct, the way things are right now, it does seem impossible. Our love for our kids as parents is an amazing thing. I know it is what kept me there, in a miserable marriage, so they could still have their picture perfect world as long as possible. We never discussed our problems in front of them, so us seperating came as massive shock to them.
> 
> My XH didn't want the divorce. That made it rough. Still, from both sides they got a continued front of two parents that were on the same page, and didn't bash each other. This over time has lead to us being able to be friendly as we coparent.
> 
> *If the day ever comes that she comes clean to you and asks you for forgiveness, consider trying it. It's not like you are going to get back together if you accept an apology and forgive. It could help you get past that part of your life, and let go of some of that anger and resentment. *Then you will have more good energy to share with your kiddos.
> 
> The key again: time and forgiveness
> 
> Also, I believe forgiveness is good for your heart. If you can manage it, I recommend it.



It is not necessary to forgive in order to move on.

In fact, "forgiving" can raise other people's expectations, ie, "You've forgiving her, now why can't you two be friends......"


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## Nomorebeans

My ex cheated, lied, painted me as a monster to his family and our friends - guess he underestimated their friendship and loyalty to me after 25 years of marriage - and left me for the OW he knew for exactly 10 days at that point.

I still cannot look at him without feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to rip him to shreds verbally. Like 5Creed, I tried to be friendly with him at first, allowing him to hang out with my son in my house, and talking with him about friends and family and work as if we were still friends. I told myself it was for our son's sake, but really it was really because I couldn't let go, and for him, I think it was like 5Creed said - it assuaged his guilt if I seemed to forgive him - if we could be friends, that made everything he had done OK. Recently, I talked to my son about it, and found he understands why it can't be like that anymore. His Dad now picks him up from school and takes him elsewhere on the days he's in town, rather than come into my house. He's given me back the keys. He drops him off and leaves. We text, and only about our son.

I feel so much better now that I've finally established some boundaries and they're being respected. It wasn't even hard to do - it was a lot harder playing the charade of friendship, when I could barely stand to look at him and have his toxic presence in my house. There is less tension in his and my son's relationship now, too.


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## 3Xnocharm

Nomorebeans said:


> My ex cheated, lied, painted me as a monster to his family and our friends - guess he underestimated their friendship and loyalty to me after 25 years of marriage - and left me for the OW he knew for exactly 10 days at that point.
> 
> I still cannot look at him without feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to rip him to shreds verbally. Like 5Creed, I tried to be friendly with him at first, allowing him to hang out with my son in my house, and talking with him about friends and family and work as if we were still friends. I told myself it was for our son's sake, but really it was really because I couldn't let go, and for him, I think it was like 5Creed said - it assuaged his guilt if I seemed to forgive him - if we could be friends, that made everything he had done OK. Recently, I talked to my son about it, and found he understands why it can't be like that anymore. His Dad now picks him up from school and takes him elsewhere on the days he's in town, rather than come into my house. He's given me back the keys. He drops him off and leaves. We text, and only about our son.
> 
> I feel so much better now that I've finally established some boundaries and they're being respected. It wasn't even hard to do - it was a lot harder playing the charade of friendship, when I could barely stand to look at him and have his toxic presence in my house. There is less tension in his and my son's relationship now, too.



NMB, I am so, so happy to read this! And I am glad that it has helped you feel better! Way to go!


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## Marc878

Definition of friend= loyal, trustworthy, honest. She doesn't fit the bill. Text or email about the kids only and keep that short. Pickups and drop offs, civil like you would be to a clear or mailman nothing more.

They always want to be friends to aleviate guilt and say "see he's ok with what I've done".


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## plomito

I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children. 

I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say 

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## Bananapeel

plomito said:


> I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children.
> 
> I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


Quite honestly I'd say give your kid what he wants and have a family dinner together on neutral ground (let your child pick the restaurant). There are going to be enough instances in the future where you two will have to be able to function civilly around each other, such as graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren, etc. that you should just learn how to do it now. You shouldn't have to like or respect her to be civil around her and make small talk for short periods of time. 

I do joint parenting activities with my XWW and the way I think about it is I'd rather be sitting in a room with a wh0re than be the wh0re in the room. So try to remember this is going to be more uncomfortable on her end than on yours.

After my divorce I did a few family activities with the XWW but they quickly disappeared. Think of it as a transition time and the further you two each get back to having individual lives the less of these joint family activities will remain for you to do.


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## GusPolinski

plomito said:


> I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children.
> 
> I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


I wouldn't do it.

He needs to get to the point that he accepts that your family dynamic has changed. Plus it sounds like you're not (yet) in a place where you could pull it off w/o responding -- and very poorly -- to any baiting that your STBX throws your way.

Rip off the bandage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding

plomito said:


> I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children.
> 
> I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


You guys are no longer a family like you used to be, why bother further promoting this idea to your children. Such a dinner might just give your oldest hope that maybe you guys will get back together (maybe that is what he/she is hoping by this).

Also, if you need to see your Ex, just wear sunglasses ... on top of sunglasses ... to better hide your disgust with her


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## Openminded

Children want their parents together. Joint dinners -- and other joint events -- tend to give them false hope. Plus, if there's tension between their parents they usually pick up on that. And they may blame themselves. 

It's rarely a good idea.


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## Begin again

plomito said:


> Hello,
> Background:
> 
> We had some issues were she accused me of cheating and hide things from her, and all of the sudden she started with the i can't deal with this anymore and filled for divorce. I tried everything possible to bring her back and fix things, but i also found out she had a friend (co-worker) i confronted her about this guy, because he texted her a lot but she always denied it and of course because she filled, she felt she didn't need to give me an explanation.
> 
> After all was set and done, and i came across a conversation she had with her friend, and of course she all of the sudden was speechless.
> 
> I always wanted to have some sort of connection with her after divorce because she is the mother of my children, and i don't want to feel disconnected, but after the discovery is hard for me to even say hi, because after all those years of accusing me, and denying her affair, i showed her i was right, it wasn't me all this time it was her having an affair.
> 
> I just want to know, how should i handle this going forward, kids are and i make it my priority to see them as much as possible and be in their life, but i know situations will pop up were we might need to talk or even attend together as parents, and i can't lie, right at this moment i have 0 respect for her and nothing good will come out my mouth if she says the wrong thing to me.
> 
> Looking forward to some feedback, and thanks for reading this mess


Nothing good comes out of my STBXH's mouth if I say the wrong thing to him, and I didn't cheat or take anything from him financially. In other words, hoping for a good relationship after divorce is more about the temperament of both parties. If you can't rise above, then better to live two separate lives. That's what I've come to realize after many months of trying to do otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## plomito

Begin again said:


> Nothing good comes out of my STBXH's mouth if I say the wrong thing to him, and I didn't cheat or take anything from him financially. In other words, hoping for a good relationship after divorce is more about the temperament of both parties. If you can't rise above, then better to live two separate lives. That's what I've come to realize after many months of trying to do otherwise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, in my case I was the one being blame for everything and the minute I found out that she was the one doing the cheating everything changed. 
Now she wants to be maintain a communication which I find weird because when we lived together she barely said a word to me, and honestly I tried but my disgust and disssapoinment is easy to notice the minute I'm in front of her, so I rather keep our communication at a minimum 

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61

have you DNA the kids, not to prove they are yours but to make a point to her that you don't trust what she says.


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## Ynot

I would skip the family dinner as well. There is no point trying to maintain a facade. Plus the message you are giving your oldest is that it is OK to let other people betray your trust. He/she may not know the reality today. They may have a lot of unresolved issues. Perhaps some day it will all come out. For now all they need to know is that is that you and your ex are no longer a couple and don't do things as a couple. If it ever does come out, your oldest will have far more respect for you as a person for maintaining your boundaries than they would if you went along to get along.


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## Wolf1974

This way be a situation that changes or improves over time. When I was first getting divorced I was same as you. My x cheated and I would stop her at my door and not let her inside when she brought the kids over. The thought of doing anything with her, like a joint bday party, was out of the questions. 6 years have now gone by and we do a great job of co-parenting. We have had joint birthday parties, I have and do bring my GF and my friends to them as well, no drama, no problems. My disgust for her has and will always remain however I love my daughters more than despise her so i never found it hard or difficult to have these joint events.

All of our communication is only based on the kids. Sometimes she will forget and start to talk to me like her best friend again and I will just ignore it. But when we take vacations with our kids we will even send some pictures of the kids to each other. For example my daughters were involved in their cousins wedding. My x took pictures of them in their dresses and sent them to me which I appreciated.

So this dynamic can change. Do only what your comfortable doing for now.


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## Marc878

You have to have a life too. For you to fully move on no contact as much as possible. Get your kids used to the new norm. They'll be fine and you can be a great father without your X involved. 

A hard 180 is what you need. You'll probably find out that your bond with them will actually get stronger without the X involved.

Civil but text or email kids only short and to the point. Set your boundaries and keep them up. Life will be much better.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Say it with me....CONTROL.......

She wants to control the situation and you. Dinners together are for prom, school functions and big events when you co-parent. They are not for the facade of protecting the children.


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## plomito

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Say it with me....CONTROL.......
> 
> She wants to control the situation and you. Dinners together are for prom, school functions and big events when you co-parent. They are not for the facade of protecting the children.


You are absolutely correct, we saw each other recently and had another argument because she still thinks she can manipulate me to do what she wants. 

I think the best option for now is to stay away from each other until she learns how co-patenting works, her definition is totally different from mine and I can't deal with somebody that is always looking to start an argument and play victim.



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## Ynot

plomito said:


> You are absolutely correct, we saw each other recently and had another argument because she still thinks she can manipulate me to do what she wants.
> 
> I think the best option for now is to stay away from each other until she learns how co-patenting works, her definition is totally different from mine and I can't deal with somebody that is always looking to start an argument and play victim.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


He is correct. After my ex left she tried the "we can still be friends" ploy with me. It was just another effort on her part to control the situation. She tried to get me to pay 1/2 my daughter's college loans, wanted to have a "family" Christmas dinner (at her place of course) and all sorts of other subtle attempts at manipulation. Later she contacted me about things that she needed (but never thought of in her great escape) asking me to drop everything to come to her aid. More recently she reached out thru my DIL for a meeting before our childrens' weddings. That was just another effort on her part to control everything. Wed could only meet on certain days at certain times and only under her conditions. I actually agreed to her terms, only to have her not follow thru. Just another effort on her part to attempt to control a situation. The best thing you can do is limit your contact with her to the absolute minimum. Do not engage her except as needed. I no longer have any need to speak, see or hear from my ex in any way. I have no intention of ever seeing her again. it isn't a matter of anger, it is more about removing negative influences from my life. She had been one and I see no purpose in allowing her to influence me in any way going forward.


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## plomito

Ynot said:


> He is correct. After my ex left she tried the "we can still be friends" ploy with me. It was just another effort on her part to control the situation. She tried to get me to pay 1/2 my daughter's college loans, wanted to have a "family" Christmas dinner (at her place of course) and all sorts of other subtle attempts at manipulation. Later she contacted me about things that she needed (but never thought of in her great escape) asking me to drop everything to come to her aid. More recently she reached out thru my DIL for a meeting before our childrens' weddings. That was just another effort on her part to control everything. Wed could only meet on certain days at certain times and only under her conditions. I actually agreed to her terms, only to have her not follow thru. Just another effort on her part to attempt to control a situation. The best thing you can do is limit your contact with her to the absolute minimum. Do not engage her except as needed. I no longer have any need to speak, see or hear from my ex in any way. I have no intention of ever seeing her again. it isn't a matter of anger, it is more about removing negative influences from my life. She had been one and I see no purpose in allowing her to influence me in any way going forward.


In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly. I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment she needs to make for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her 

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


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## Ynot

plomito said:


> In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly. I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment she needs to make for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


Your answer is right there. When you say no, she changes and becomes threatening. True friends don't threaten each other. My ex used the threat of legal action against me. She held it over my head to try to get what she wanted. That was not a friendly gesture.


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## Chaparral

She fired you from the husband job. Is she still with her affair partner? If so tell her to cal/textl him.


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## MJJEAN

It is completely false that ex spouses have to be friends or even more than civil to each other. Sure, there will be school functions, graduations, weddings, births of grandkids, etc. None of that means you have to even so much as speak to her.

You can both arrange separate celebrations for birthdays and holidays. Parent-teacher conferences can be scheduled separately. For school plays, band concerts, sporting events, graduations, or whatever, you arrive separately, sit on opposite sides of the venue, and have no need to interact. When the grandkids come along, you go to the hospital to see the baby at different times. In all reality, it's not that hard to avoid other than the absolute bare minimum interaction with your ex.


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## JohnA

Please clarify the expenses she wants help with. Do they help her or the children?


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## plomito

JohnA said:


> Please clarify the expenses she wants help with. Do they help her or the children?




Well, we all know she gets her child support but according to her since she enrolled our 2 year old in daycare she finds herself sometime running short. Also she tells the older ones to call and request money for stuff they need. I don't have a problem providing for my children, but also she gets a good amount weekly, and is not fair that not only she takes a good amount weekly, but also give her from the little I get 


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## JohnA

Got it, spends some of child support on herself and then ask daughter to ask you to buy clothes, books, etc fir them.


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## WasDecimated

When I found out my XWW was cheating she blame-shifted as well. That’s pretty common. 

At first I wanted to R. She claimed she did as well but put in no real effort for almost a year. She would still not tell me the whole truth or answer most of the questions I had. Finally I decided to file for D. Somehow she thought we would still be friends after the D was final. I tried the be friendly and go with it but it was just too painful for me with her regular phone calls, texts and just walking in my house and even flirting. I decided to do what was best for me…no contact. This was the best way for me to heal. My kids were teenagers at the time so contact with XWW wasn’t that important, and they understood. If I were to have remained friendly with her it would have added years to my recovery. It’s possible that I could have got caught in a loop and never recovered. I couldn’t move forward if I was still in the past. I needed distance from her for my own sanity.

If there was no cheating, lying, and blame-shifting I could have remained friends. If I wouldn’t keep a friend in my life that treated half as bad as she did, Why would I keep and XWW?

In the end, you need to do what's best for you and your kids.


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## WasDecimated

plomito said:


> In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly. I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment she needs to make for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


I think my XWW was just using me as well by playing nice. Staying in my life was one of the tools she used. I put a stop to this crap with no contact. I pay her an UN-Godly amount of alimony as well as child support. She was using all of it for herself and still wanting me to buy all the clothes and everyday stuff for the kids witch were with me over 50 % of the time. 

I now stick to the settlement agreement...and no a penny more.


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## WonkyNinja

MJJEAN said:


> It is completely false that ex spouses have to be friends or even more than civil to each other. Sure, there will be school functions, graduations, weddings, births of grandkids, etc. None of that means you have to even so much as speak to her.
> 
> You can both arrange separate celebrations for birthdays and holidays. Parent-teacher conferences can be scheduled separately. For school plays, band concerts, sporting events, graduations, or whatever, you arrive separately, sit on opposite sides of the venue, and have no need to interact. When the grandkids come along, you go to the hospital to see the baby at different times. In all reality, it's not that hard to avoid other than the absolute bare minimum interaction with your ex.


While I can understand the feeling all that does is stress your kids out. If they are school age then they have to decide which parent to go and speak to first after and event or a teacher meeting. Whatever you feelings for each other the children should not be put in the middle. 

I also understand that that may be easier said than done.


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## C3156

plomito said:


> In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly.


This is where the court agreement comes into play, you do not have to pay for anything that was not stated in the agreement. Technically the child support is to pay for your contribution for the children. That is the whole point of child support.

Do you mind me asking what is your parenting plan? (50/50 or something else) The reason I ask is why do you pay so much child support.



plomito said:


> I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment *she needs to make *for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her


She needs to make a payment? So let her. If she falls short, she may need to consider getting better employment. It is not your job to support her any longer. This is one of the reasons other posters recommend using only text or email so that you can have some documentation of her outburst for possible future use. I would also recommend keeping a journal of all you activities with your children and interactions with you ex.


To your original question, this is not a woman I would consider staying "friends". Not only did she lie to you for years, she shamelessly blame shifted the entire cheating episode onto you. Not anyone I would ever be able to trust or be friends with.

My wife left me because she "was not happy" and later found she had been cheating on me too. I tried the friends route but it was entirely to hard to be in her general vicinity after a while. I would get extremely anxious and could not wait to get out of her sight. So I took a much more distant approach to dealing with her. Most things are done via email with a few texts. Years down the road I have been able to move forward and I can deal with her a lot better than the past. It helps that my kids are both older teenagers and I don't need to interact with the ex much anymore. We did a decent job co-parenting but we are far from friends.


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## plomito

JohnA said:


> Please clarify the expenses she wants help with. Do they help her or the children?


When she filed for child support it was pretty much to cover my children expenses, but we all know how that goes. for the few months she was getting some arrears, and she started to shop and act like she was a millionaire and i guess once the arrears were satisfied now she wants to keep that lifestyle.

I told her as per court i can't be giving her extra because that is considered a gratuity and she is getting a good amount, she needs to cut her expenses and adjust her lifestyle or have her new man help her because honestly i refuse to keep giving her extra when she is already getting a set amount weekly


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## plomito

C3156 said:


> This is where the court agreement comes into play, you do not have to pay for anything that was not stated in the agreement. Technically the child support is to pay for your contribution for the children. That is the whole point of child support.
> 
> Do you mind me asking what is your parenting plan? (50/50 or something else) The reason I ask is why do you pay so much child support.
> 
> 
> 
> She needs to make a payment? So let her. If she falls short, she may need to consider getting better employment. It is not your job to support her any longer. This is one of the reasons other posters recommend using only text or email so that you can have some documentation of her outburst for possible future use. I would also recommend keeping a journal of all you activities with your children and interactions with you ex.
> 
> 
> To your original question, this is not a woman I would consider staying "friends". Not only did she lie to you for years, she shamelessly blame shifted the entire cheating episode onto you. Not anyone I would ever be able to trust or be friends with.
> 
> My wife left me because she "was not happy" and later found she had been cheating on me too. I tried the friends route but it was entirely to hard to be in her general vicinity after a while. I would get extremely anxious and could not wait to get out of her sight. So I took a much more distant approach to dealing with her. Most things are done via email with a few texts. Years down the road I have been able to move forward and I can deal with her a lot better than the past. It helps that my kids are both older teenagers and I don't need to interact with the ex much anymore. We did a decent job co-parenting but we are far from friends.


In my case we have a two year old and this is the only reason we talk. I actually don't want to be around her because i feel disgusted how somebody spent all that time blaming me for something she was doing and with somebody who was out mutual friend. 

Like i said before i honestly do not see any room for friendship because she wants me to do what she wants and the minute i say no is a brand new war. I rather keep it via text or email, and all our conversations short and only about our kids, the rest i have no interest. I explained to my older ones how child support works, and why i can't be giving them money like before. I feel bad saying no to them, but my pay has taken a huge hit after child support.


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## plomito

I am actually considering family court, because when she gets mad her first move is to keep my children away from me, specially the two year old, and i am getting tired of this drama


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## C3156

plomito said:


> I am actually considering family court, because when she gets mad her first move is to keep my children away from me, specially the two year old, and i am getting tired of this drama


My recommendation for keeping a journal comes into play here. Make sure you are documenting that she is not following the court ordered parenting plan. If you really want to cover your bases, send her a return receipt required (R3) letter every time she does this and keep a copy for yourself. If (and when) you go back to court, you need to be able to show a pattern of with holding, not just a single event. Between your journal of showing that you are a super dad and a pile of documents showing she is withholding, perhaps you can move for a change of parenting plan so that you have more time with your kids. And as a consequence, lower your CS and be able to spend money directly on your kids instead of giving it to your ex.

I would also recommend that you find a neutral location to exchange the kids as she sounds a little volatile. Also consider carrying a voice activated recorder when you do have to be in her presence physically. This is all CYA stuff to try and keep you out of trouble.


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## plomito

C3156 said:


> My recommendation for keeping a journal comes into play here. Make sure you are documenting that she is not following the court ordered parenting plan. If you really want to cover your bases, send her a return receipt required (R3) letter every time she does this and keep a copy for yourself. If (and when) you go back to court, you need to be able to show a pattern of with holding, not just a single event. Between your journal of showing that you are a super dad and a pile of documents showing she is withholding, perhaps you can move for a change of parenting plan so that you have more time with your kids. And as a consequence, lower your CS and be able to spend money directly on your kids instead of giving it to your ex.
> 
> 
> 
> I would also recommend that you find a neutral location to exchange the kids as she sounds a little volatile. Also consider carrying a voice activated recorder when you do have to be in her presence physically. This is all CYA stuff to try and keep you out of trouble.




Sounds like a good idea, sad that we have to reach this point but I have to protect myself. Thanks for the tips 


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