# the guilt of separating...



## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

My wife about 4 years ago hit me with the separation talk…at the time she was a SAHM and a separation would’ve been financially impossible, as I couldn’t have afforded to support her with alimony, child support and keep myself alive…

So we (looking back it was only me willing to work on any issues) decided to see our priest…he discovered she had “deep rooted” issues and suggested a more qualified therapist…

Our relationship has gone downhill since…we’ve been married 14 years with 3 kids (10, 7 & 6)…after 3 years of therapy and over 2,000 dollars in co-pays…I really feel there’s nothing more for me to do…I have to make a decision…stay for the kids or get out…

My wife has said things like: “I never really loved you”; “I never should’ve had your kids”; “we never should’ve gotten married”; “I respect you only b/c you’re the father of my kids”…

She has been known…although this isn’t something that happens all the time…but she has physically assaulted me before and she does have a way to degrade you…even our close friends have seen it…

You’d think I was some mean monster of a husband, but for the life of me, our friends, pastor and even our therapist…no one can understand why she has this resentment and almost hatred towards me…

Now that my wife is working and things haven’t improved…I’m now at the place mentally, were I feel a separation would do us good…

Only now…she doesn’t want a separation…

She resents me, blames me for where she is in her life and feels I “owe her” to stay in a marriage as roommates…

Say’s that she’ll get screwed out of the separation financially…that the kids will “suffer” and “do without”

She resents me b/c of the relationship I have with my parents…even though we live 13 hours away…she made comments that she’ll never have a relationship like I have with my parents as she does with hers…she comes from a divorced family…her mother is bipolar (married at least 5 times) and her relationship with her dad is very strained.

Our therapist has told me that she feels my wife’s issues with her dad has formed her attitude towards men in general…and if it wasn’t me she was married too, she’d still have these issues with someone else…

Our priest tells me that I should stay for the kids and live a monastic life within my marriage…really? I thought God called men to the monastic life and others to be married…

I desire so much more out of a relationship and the thought of living this way another week depresses me…

My wife is very good at debating and can twist a conversation to make you feel like sh*t…she uses the kids as a weapon to control me by guilt…

I do feel like she’s only using me as a paycheck and to stay married projects to others that “she’s normal”…yet she withholds affection, sex and any chance she has she’ll belittle you…

She’s always had an issue with “vulnerability” and “empathy”…and I’ve always made excuses for her in this area…and the initiation of sex always…ALWAYS, fell on my shoulders…and now she was just “going through the motions” all those years and now she feels sex is something she’s not interested in anymore…with me or anyone else for that matter…

Yet for some reason, I feel guilty…like somehow it’s all my fault and my kids will be hurt…even though I’m sure they see the distance between my wife and I…

Not sure if there’s a question here…I guess this is more for my benefit to write about it to remind me that I need to face my fears and know that many, many men and women have walked this path and have survived…

I just feel guilty that I want to leave over wanting to have a loving, caring commitment with my wife and a healthy satisfying love/sex life…while the kids get shafted in the deal…

Most people don’t understand why I feel so guilty in light of the way my wife treats our relationship…and that there's nothing wrong with desiring what I want from our relationship...after all that's why I married...it's my wife that has forced me into this difficult decision...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Guilt is nothing more than you thinking negatively about you. It has no place in your life. The question is, will you later regret your decision to leave? Regrets are "lessons learned" that allow us to make the changes to ensure that the same mistake doesn't happen again.

Dump the guilt. It is keeping you where you are at, while it is your desire to act.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>Our therapist has told me that she feels my wife’s issues with her dad has formed her attitude towards men in general…and if it wasn’t me she was married too, she’d still have these issues with someone else…<<

Absolutely true. There is nothing you can do to "fix" this - only she can. But, she must WANT to.

>>My wife is very good at debating and can twist a conversation to make you feel like sh*t…she uses the kids as a weapon to control me by guilt…<<

From her childhood, she's learned that harsh punishment follows mistakes. Therefore, it's unthinkable for her to admit any. So, the blame shifts to you know who. It's a learned defense mechanism.

Have you tried to fix these things for her? You don't talk much about the things you've done in the relationship.

I'm willing to wager all you've really wanted was for her to be nice to you.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you tried to fix these things for her? You don't talk much about the things you've done in the relationship.
> 
> I'm willing to wager all you've really wanted was for her to be nice to you.


Looking back over our history of 15 years of being together, I now see the signs of how unhealthy our relationship was early on…

But yes, my therapist and I discussed how early in our relationship within I’d say 3 months, I had moved her into my apartment…her mother at the time was going through her 4th divorce and I could tell my then GF wanted out and away…

Also, she wanted to be a Dentist and was about finished with her required science classes…after we married, I quit my job and we moved to a City that offered her the opportunity to pursue her dreams…only passing the DAT entrance exam wasn’t easy for her…she kept failing the Organic Chemistry part of the test…she took the test at least 5 times…and never got into dental school

I’ve always been the nurturing, caring type…my wife is a strong Type A, Extroverted woman, and I’m a more laid back, easy going, Introverted man…

I take on the bulk of the household duties…even when she was a SAHM…and in a way I would get frustrated how I would feel she would underappreciated me…

Seems like I was trying to “meet her needs”, while she viewed my needs are being childish in nature…”only teenage boys need sex”…”You should act your age”…

I have on occasion over the past 4 years especially said things I regret out of angry in which I later apologized for, yet she’ll use those instances as ammunition towards me…

So sure, I haven’t been perfect, and I probably pushed at times when I should’ve backed off…


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And you've always been proud of how smart she is and wanted to make sure you could help unlock that potential.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Your kids need a healthy, positive, stable parent, mentor and role model. She is not capable - you are. If you can obtain this within your marriage, great, if not then you need to take the steps to get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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