# back and forth



## Paradise

Does anyone else go back and forth on the blame game? I know when it comes down to it my marriage was in trouble, I made some stupid decisions and behaved like a child at times, and yet she had the affair and did lots of other dumb things as well. 

Seriously, the last two years of the marriage sucked. The first year I was a complete moron and the second year I tried to fix things and she wanted nothing to do with me and was already in her affair and had mapped her exit out. 

So, why am I still embarrassed by the failure of my marriage? It's not like I miss the marriage but I miss my old life. The one I had before it went sour. But, I go back and forth blaming myself and blaming my ex. Why do I even mess with this? 

Fact is, I'm tired of this. It's almost as if I'm still dealing with this crap and she has moved on with her new husband and new "family" and I'm still stuck feeling shame and embarrassment.


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## Jellybeans

It's normal. And I completely understand missing the old life before it went sour.


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## moxy

It happens. How can you not miss the good? I miss my old life all the time, but...things fall apart because of the bad stuff, not the good. I think it's ok to grieve the loss. Just remember that nostalgia can't bring back the past, but it can remind you of what you're missing in the present and by paying attention, you might find ways to fill those gaps in your life in positive ways. Hang in there.


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## C3156

Paradise said:


> So, why am I still embarrassed by the failure of my marriage? It's not like I miss the marriage but I miss my old life. The one I had before it went sour. But, I go back and forth blaming myself and blaming my ex. Why do I even mess with this?


It is always nice to remember the past, we usually only remember the good stuff and filter out the bad, pretty normal. 

I too hate to be a statistic of a failed marriage. At some point you will realize that you cannot change the past and blaming someone is a waste of time. Far better to move forward and use the lessons you learned from your divorce to do things differently.



Paradise said:


> she has moved on with her new husband and new "family" and I'm still stuck feeling shame and embarrassment.


Actually, she may have physically moved on but she still has never dealt with the emotional end of your marriage. On the bright side for you, it will probably come back to bite her & her new husband.


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## Jellybeans

moxy said:


> It happens. How can you not miss the good? I miss my old life all the time, but...things fall apart because of the bad stuff, not the good. I think it's ok to grieve the loss. Just remember that nostalgia can't bring back the past, but it can remind you of what you're missing in the present and by paying attention, you might find ways to fill those gaps in your life in positive ways. Hang in there.


What a beautiful post


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## Houstondad

They tell us going through the ups and downs of divorce is part of the process. And most of us are going or have gone through this process correctly. It may not always be perfect, but you're experiencing each of the steps as they're meant to be. Some days are good, others not so much. And time will help heal. This I feel is true.
It's easy to be aware of this intellectually, but emotionally it's a pain in the ass. I'm going through it too. A friend of mine said something today that I found profound. He said, "When are you going to start living the rest of your life? Why are you letting her steal that from you?".
It all makes sense, but it's those darn emotions that get in the way. But sooner or later, it might hit us like a ton of bricks and then we finally ask ourselves, what the hell am I doing? The realization that life is too short to cling to the past and watch every day waste away is not something I want to be a part of. It's time to move on and let go for good! I might call it enlightenment. And get on with living.


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## Paradise

Houstondad said:


> They tell us going through the ups and downs of divorce is part of the process. And most of us are going or have gone through this process correctly. It may not always be perfect, but you're experiencing each of the steps as they're meant to be. Some days are good, others not so much. And time will help heal. This I feel is true.
> It's easy to be aware of this intellectually, but emotionally it's a pain in the ass. I'm going through it too. A friend of mine said something today that I found profound. He said, "When are you going to start living the rest of your life? Why are you letting her steal that from you?".
> It all makes sense, but it's those darn emotions that get in the way. But sooner or later, it might hit us like a ton of bricks and then we finally ask ourselves, what the hell am I doing? The realization that life is too short to cling to the past and watch every day waste away is not something I want to be a part of. It's time to move on and let go for good! I might call it enlightenment. And get on with living.


Houston Dad, I liked this post. It makes sense to me. Right now, however, I am at a weird stage where I feel like every time I do try to "start" my new life I end up getting stonewalled. It's hard to explain. 

And for the record, dating sucks! lol....I met a nice looking lady online that is also a teacher in the district right next to mine. She lives in the same town as I do. Anyway, spent a week chatting online and then she disappears. Then all of the sudden she re-appears telling me how great I am. Gives me her number (she offered it, too). We next progress to the texting game (which I hate) and then once again, nothing. Haven't heard from her in 3 days. I just don't get it. 

This type of thing seems to permeate my life at the moment. Every time I think things are looking up in a certain area the rug gets pulled and it almost feels like I'm part of some bad joke.


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## Houstondad

Paradise said:


> Houston Dad, I liked this post. It makes sense to me. Right now, however, I am at a weird stage where I feel like every time I do try to "start" my new life I end up getting stonewalled. It's hard to explain.
> 
> And for the record, dating sucks! lol....I met a nice looking lady online that is also a teacher in the district right next to mine. She lives in the same town as I do. Anyway, spent a week chatting online and then she disappears. Then all of the sudden she re-appears telling me how great I am. Gives me her number (she offered it, too). We next progress to the texting game (which I hate) and then once again, nothing. Haven't heard from her in 3 days. I just don't get it.
> 
> This type of thing seems to permeate my life at the moment. Every time I think things are looking up in a certain area the rug gets pulled and it almost feels like I'm part of some bad joke.


Don't get too frustrated with the start/stop(stonewalled). Time will start to help fix this. But you also need to do some work here and start to look into WHY you are stonewalling yourself. When you find the reason, find another answer to deal with that problem. It could be as simple as a pep talk to yourself when you notice that wall start to build.

As for dating, I don't know how long it's been since you've dated but I haven't dated since 96'. And the dating game has changed so much since then. As for talking with the ladies, skip the texting BS and go straight to taking them out on a date. There might be some you'll "strikeout" with, but you'll increase your odds of finding a really cool girl that is waiting for a guy like you.


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## Hoosier

I agree, stop the texting BS. What I found to be the best is to make contact, online or whatever, then meet for coffee. Some low key place, not for real long. You can tell so much more from that 45 minutes, then a month of texting. I had situations where texting and calling were great, then meet for coffee and it was obvious nothing there...
As for the disappearing, reappearing deal.....they are probably talking to numerous men, find one to concentrate on, stop contacting you, meet the other guy, when it is not a match pick up the ball with you again. By going out for coffee right away cut through a lot of that BS.


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## Paradise

Hoosier, yes, you are probably right about that. Honestly, I just don't have enough time to put in that much effort. It's just not worth it to me. 

And yes, I've had the "week or more" of texting only to find out it was a waste of time. 

No loss for me. Not worried about it to be quite honest.


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## lostintheworld1

I think you might be like me at this point. You are looking to find someone new but the process is daunting. As you said dating sucks and is a LOT of BS weeding through people. It is daunting facing meeting more and more women in the search of the one. But... we have to start somewhere I guess. Ahhhh I'm exhausted thinking about it.


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## Paradise

Ha! It has almost become comical! Same gal as before texts me out of the blue and then disappears again for a few days. Says she wants to meet and then nothing. Took her profile down on the dating site we are on so I just assumed she was chatting with someone else. No big deal. Then, three days later another text. Repeat! lol

I just don't get this game. I'm too direct of a communicator. I'm perfectly ok with someone ignoring a message on a dating site with no response. But....After you've messaged several times, texted a few times, stated how much you want to meet, and then to just disappear? Well, that just doesn't set well with me. I must suck at texting or something. Maybe I'm too freaking nice. Honestly I have no idea. 

I haven't struck out this many times in the dating game EVER before in my life. I know I'm not coming across as needy. It is just flat out a foreign world to me out here right now. 

Sorry, just venting and laughing a little.


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## Jellybeans

Yeah the game-playing is for the birds. I am also like you--direct communication works best.

My advice is to ditch that one. She is being hot and cold and and that is for kids. 

Keep on w/ the keep on!


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## Paradise

Yep, Jelly I agree. She just texted me again after 2 days. Last time I gave her a few options on days to meet up. She texted and asked to meet tonight, which was not one of the days I said I could meet. I'm starting to wonder if she is all there in the head! lol


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## Jellybeans

Naw... tell her you can't meet up and you told her that before. 

Then let her make the next plan. Don't initiate it.

I am not digging her behavior.


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## stillhoping

I will tell you what I learned this week, I am too struggling with this up and down, blame, no blame thing. But here is what I realized, that part of it, at least for me is that there is a voice inside me that says "you are not good enough" and that makes me feel like I need the approval of my exH. That is far from the truth, I am warm, giving, attractive, smart, independent, you name it. I am good without him, I don't need him to make me complete. That is a hard truth to learn, the voice inside doesn't want to go away, but I am working on it


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## Paradise

Yep...Confidence...Such a fragile thing! So hard to gain it yet so easy to lose it! At least, that is what I have found to be true. 

I have that little voice inside of me as well that thinks I'm not good enough but it is never any thoughts pertaining to the ex. If anything I feel like Austin Powers and that I've lost my mojo! Lol....


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## WomanScorned

stillhoping said:


> I will tell you what I learned this week, I am too struggling with this up and down, blame, no blame thing. But here is what I realized, that part of it, at least for me is that there is a voice inside me that says "you are not good enough" and that makes me feel like I need the approval of my exH. That is far from the truth, I am warm, giving, attractive, smart, independent, you name it. I am good without him, I don't need him to make me complete. That is a hard truth to learn, the voice inside doesn't want to go away, but I am working on it


YES! There is that little voice that tells me that, and that it's all my fault the marriage failed due to my depression. I have to keep telling myself that it takes two to ruin a marriage. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for the part I played, too.


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## Paradise

Well, I spoke too soon! Meeting for a drink after practice on Thursday with this gal! She sent me a pic tonight on text and she is damn good looking. 

Now, I'm finding myself battling my confidence issues again! I'm feeling old and out of shape. Geez. At least I'm noticing the thoughts popping up now and recognizing how "normal" they feel when a few short years ago the thoughts would have never crossed my mind! Making me realize how much my confidence has really hit the sh!tter since my divorce. Oh well, guess I'm still a work in progress. And hopefully this will force me to spend a bit more time taking care of myself. At least I only have 4 weeks left coaching so I'll have some free time after that to work on other things.


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## Jellybeans

Good for you for getting out there!
Go, be yourself, and have fun!


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## Paradise

Had date night last night!!!!! And........I spent two hours listening to this very attractive lady talk about herself and what a messed up family she has, etc, etc. I was fried after listening to her for about the first 30 minutes. Seriously, I said 10 words the entire night. 

At least I only wasted $10 on a couple of beers.


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## Jellybeans

HAHAHA! 

Well you can cross that one of the list. Dating can be so interesting, right? Lol. 

The good thing is you're getting out there!

And hey, the beer was a winner so it wasn't all bad.


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## Paradise

Oh, I laughed about it last night as well. Just went home to the warm cozy apt and grabbed a book and relaxed. Never thought twice about it after her "confession" was over. Seriously felt like a priest. 

Didn't take me too long to figure out why this chick is 36 and never married.


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## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> Oh, I laughed about it last night as well. Just went home to the warm cozy apt and grabbed a book and relaxed. Never thought twice about it after her "confession" was over. *Seriously felt like a priest. *


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

So funny!!!

Was hanging with my buddy trading dating stories and he said "Dating sucks" and at the time I said I agreed but in hindsight, it doesn't "suck." I really think i can be quite entetaining. Learning about all these crazy people and that there are all kinds out ther eand it almost makes you feel normal. At any rate, you learn about yourself, what you like, what you don't like, dealbreakers, etc.

See, you just had an experience of feeling like a priest listening to a confessional. My first rebound ended not too long ago (first dating since post-divorce) and the guy Would Not. Shut. The. Fvck. Up. about his "best friend" who is also his ex girlfriend & how "close" they are. At the time I found it grating. Now I laugh at the absurdity! LOL


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## Paradise

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> Learning about all these crazy people and that there are all kinds out ther eand it almost makes you feel normal.
> 
> See, you just had an experience of feeling like a priest listening to a confessional. My first rebound ended not too long ago (first dating since post-divorce) and the guy Would Not. Shut. The. Fvck. Up. about his "best friend" who is also his ex girlfriend & how "close" they are. At the time I found it grating. Now I laugh at the absurdity! LOL


I'm starting to think I am not normal because I'm NOT crazy! :rofl:

I've been on quite a few dates since my divorce. It has for certain been an eye opening experience. My expectations at this point in my life are off the charts. I mean, seriously, if I'm going to invest something as important as time into someone then they better be pretty darn awesome! 

Sad, but that was my first date in 3 months. I had two dates in two nights back then and they were just as bad as the one I went on last week. I'm getting to the point where I don't even think about women anymore. Usually I'm checking out every chick in site. Not normal for me! lol....


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## COguy

Paradise said:


> Yep, Jelly I agree. She just texted me again after 2 days. Last time I gave her a few options on days to meet up. She texted and asked to meet tonight, which was not one of the days I said I could meet. I'm starting to wonder if she is all there in the head! lol


I've noticed there are quite a few ladies that like to play those kind of games. Don't bite, unless you enjoy stress.


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## Paradise

Random post. 2 weeks and my life will take another drastic change. Decided that coaching will have to go for a while as I tend to my daughter and spend more time with her for the next few years. Next year will be my first year without coaching or playing football for over 25 yrs. Kind of sad. I've spent a lot of time this past weekend reflecting over my career and the life that I have and I think this is probably going to be the biggest change. I can see why professional football players struggle with their retirement from the game. 

But, I also know it is keeping me stuck where I am at the moment. I have no time to really reflect nor enjoy much about life. I am constantly on the move and every day is a struggle to keep up. I teach upper level classes so I'm not the typical PE teacher/coach. It's just become too much and my daughter deserves this time. 

Think I will focus on finishing my Ph.D. instead now that I'll have some time to do so. Maybe get a second job that will cover and probably add to my income lost from coaching. Not sure yet. I just feel like this is something that I need to do at this point. 

I remember the ex being in the stands at every game. I miss that. I will miss the feeling of being directly involved in something that is bigger than me. I won't miss some of the helicopter parents complaining after the game that little jimmy didn't get to play enough, however!!!  

Ugh....Feeling really down and lonely today. I'll snap out of it later.


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## working_together

Paradise said:


> Ha! It has almost become comical! Same gal as before texts me out of the blue and then disappears again for a few days. Says she wants to meet and then nothing. Took her profile down on the dating site we are on so I just assumed she was chatting with someone else. No big deal. Then, three days later another text. Repeat! lol
> 
> I just don't get this game. I'm too direct of a communicator. I'm perfectly ok with someone ignoring a message on a dating site with no response. But....After you've messaged several times, texted a few times, stated how much you want to meet, and then to just disappear? Well, that just doesn't set well with me. I must suck at texting or something. Maybe I'm too freaking nice. Honestly I have no idea.
> 
> I haven't struck out this many times in the dating game EVER before in my life. I know I'm not coming across as needy. It is just flat out a foreign world to me out here right now.
> 
> Sorry, just venting and laughing a little.


Have you ever read the forums on the dating sites?? Apparently both men and women do this, and it's a way of checking out what is better out there, or they go on a few crappy dates, then come back to you as the "fall back" person. Don't answer those people that dissappear.


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## working_together

The hardest thing about "life after divorce" is adapting to all the changes in your life, at least for me. I'm ok not being with my spouse, not mourning that part, it's just the routines that come with a marriage, how we define ourselves as a wife or husband etc. Divorce changes all that. And watching kids go through all those changes, and trying to be the same parent, it's really tough to go through what you need to go through, and continue being a good parent and role model. Sometimes you just want to scream, but you can't.

And then add in the dating, I haven't dated since 1986....and yes, it sucks, big time. I've had some laughs though, the crazy people out there.

blah


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## Paradise

working_together said:


> The hardest thing about "life after divorce" is adapting to all the changes in your life, at least for me. I'm ok not being with my spouse, not mourning that part, it's just the routines that come with a marriage, how we define ourselves as a wife or husband etc. Divorce changes all that. And watching kids go through all those changes, and trying to be the same parent, it's really tough to go through what you need to go through, and continue being a good parent and role model. Sometimes you just want to scream, but you can't.
> 
> And then add in the dating, I haven't dated since 1986....and yes, it sucks, big time. I've had some laughs though, the crazy people out there.
> 
> blah


Yes, I do not mourn my marriage anymore. I have no idea what the ex wife's life is like now nor do I care. I'm just at the point where I can't figure this dating game out. I would have never thought it would be so hard to find someone. 

The first year after the divorce I went on several dates with several women and had a few mini-relationships scattered in there. I haven't dated anyone since early summer. I am busy, though, but at the end of the day when I go home it would just be nice to have someone to talk to. The physical part of a relationship would just be an added bonus. It's been so long that sometimes I wonder if I've forgotten how to do that part, anyway!


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## Jellybeans

I hear you guys.

Right now, I am not looking at all (for someone to date).Yeah, I miss the companionship and sex, but right now, I don't even think I want to date anyone. If I meet someone, good, if not, oh well.

My girlfriend was telling me "you just haven't met the right one yet. And some day you will!" and I told her "or maybe I won't." Not everyone in this life has a life partner. That's just the way it is. I feel blessed to have been able to have a LTR relationship and experience marriage at all. Many people don't. I'm thirty one and that's considered "young-ish" (lol) but I have become really realistic about this "love" thing. I have accepted it may never happen again. I don't doubt I'll meet someone again--7 billion people on the planet--but who knows if that includes another LTR or a marriage (I am not even partial to marriage in my mind these days). 

I had my first dating experience post-divorce which ended a month ago. With a guy who was bff's with his ex-girlfriend. He was sweet but I know it woulda never worked out cause I was not ok with is too-close relationship with her. It made me uncomfortable. So for me, it's back to the drawing board of not even wanting to date. I very rarely ever meet someone I genuinely like romantically and I fall in love every blue moon. It's just not something that happens a lot for me. Has been the pattern in my life. That's why when it does happen, it's magical. 

I guess, I don't really want to date anyone right now. ? I think.


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## Paradise

Jellybeans said:


> I hear you guys.
> 
> Right now, I am not looking at all (for someone to date).Yeah, I miss the companionship and sex, but right now, I don't even think I want to date anyone. If I meet someone, good, if not, oh well.


I was looking hard after my divorce but for all the wrong reasons. It had more to do with my ex than it had to do with me. She had someone so I was trying to have someone as well. Amazing how "ready" I thought I was then (after the divorce) to be in a relationship. I look back a year ago and I still had a LOT of soul searching to do. He!!, I think I might still have a lot to do. 

But, then again, I think everyone is kind of like that at this stage of our lives. Most of the ladies I have met have some issues and only one of them has been at all forthcoming about things. 

Maybe if I dress up in my magic Mike outfit for halloween I'll find me some nice ladies. :rofl:


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## Jellybeans

Haha! Magic Mike! I still have yet to see that movie!


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## stillhoping

My first post-divorce dating was a guy I went to college with. He never married, has no kids. It was a fun way to get through the summer, he liked to go out to eat and he thought I was sexy and adorable. But that was it, there was nothing any deeper than that. That one ended, then I got a message from another man on FB, also from college, been D for 5 years, has two kids my kids ages. We had drinks and dinner and it was so comfortable. He gets my life. He wants to take me to a show and dinner. I haven't had to go out looking for dates, don't think I could do that quite yet. I have enough going on in my life right now that I wouldn't be doing that anyway. But I am going to say yes to the experiences when they feel right. I finally got to the point with my ex to be angry about the way he treated me and continues to treat me when I give him the chance. I drew the line in the sand, no unnecessary contact and it has given me the breathing room to see him in the true light. He can't worry about making anyone else happy. And I am done waiting for scraps


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