# Mid-Divorce But Still in Love



## Lost.In.My.Head (May 3, 2021)

Thanks!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to understand that your wife has the ability to cheat when the going gets rough. You being laid up was the only incentive she needed to get with her boss in the store. And you can bet your bottom dollar that it was more than kissing. So you need to see your wife clearly and not through rose-tinted glasses.

Forget about being like her parents, she has the ability to be much worse. This may be a chance for you to get out of this. You may feel like it is you that has the problem but really it is not. She has you believing that this is all your fault. Marital issues are 50/50 I agree. But cheating was 100% her. You need to tell her that she needs to work on herself and work out why it was so easy for her to cheat and then lie about it. She would not have told you if some good soul didn't tip you off. The store employees must be pissed at her behaviour.

The she continues to lie about it being jut kissing. And then she yanks you around like a yo-yo before finally pulling the plug. Not a good person. Certainly a broken person at the very least. And then she has you doing the pick-me dance to win her back.

She needs to sort herself out. You need to protect yourself custody wise and financially.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

The problem is that your wife doesn't want your marriage to work at this stage so what you do is really pretty irrelevant.

What you need to do is prepare for life after your marriage and accepting who you are and the physical condition of your body. At the end of the day, a woman who would cheat and betray at a time when you were vulnerable and in need is not the kind of women you want to grow old with. 

My advice is to seek some professional help. You held off doing that with your back injury and it didn't help you. Try to tough this out won't help you either.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

We can only speculate, but based on hundreds of stories similar to yours, your wife has another relationship. It is not reasonable to believe that she and her boss stopped with kissing. He may be her new love interest, it may be someone else. Take care of yourself. She's toast. The real victim here is the little girl. Make sure she gets counseling.


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## Lost.In.My.Head (May 3, 2021)

Thanks for the replies everyone! I appreciate you taking the time to help me out.

@manfromlamancha - I have to agree that the fact that she did it while I was at the lowest point of my life was what hurt the most. The first time in our marriage that we were truly tested and she failed miserably. And it wasn't like our sex life decreased during this period. It just changed from using multiple positions to mostly being in the spooning position to avoid too much pressure on my back. And to be honest, she could have just come to me and said that she wanted to try out a threesome with him and I wouldn't have had much issue with it. We had talked in the past about the potential of threesomes, but never pulled the trigger on one... And the lady that messaged me is far from a good soul. She was friends with my first ex wife and had made my wife's life miserable the entire time they worked together out of spite. She also got ahold of my parent's address and sent them a letter detailing what had happened (which is kind of creepy if I'm being honest since she doesn't know them)... Also, in regards to the custody and financials, I have had many thoughts about this. She has told me on several occasions over the last 5 weeks that she doesn't want any money from me other than a small amount of money that her grandma gave us as a gift when we bought our house. She doesn't want anything to do with the equity in the house, my 401k, or child support. Even if we were to continue on in a relationship, I can't help but think that doing so unmarried might be the best for me financially. And clearly I am never going to let our daughter go without so even with no child support, I am still going to help out if needed and pick up costs of school, sports, medical, etc. 

@AGoodFlogging - As of this morning, I have started the process of getting a therapist to talk about my depression. This weekend was my breaking point. I had all these big plans for the weekend and couldn't pull myself off the couch. Everything I watched or listened to reduced to me tears. I couldn't even pull myself up to walk to the bathroom to take my allergy meds which I highly regret given this is the worst part of the year for my allergies. Once I get things sorted out with my health insurance provider, I will be seeking help. I can't go on in this current state of mind. 

@Sfort - My best friend and I have the same theory. Many of things that she has said through all of this hasn't quite added up. Between refusing to work to fix a marriage that she broke (and said she would always try to fix if things went awry) and then wanting to be FWB and then backing off of that. The only thing that made sense was that she had been having a fling that had turned more serious to where she wasn't comfortable sleeping with me on the side (irony much?). I highly doubt that her boss is still in the picture a year later, though. He is married and has been disciplined on multiple occasions for fraternizing with subordinate employees. He seemed more like the "hit it and quit it" type as well as looking for ease of access. With her not working there since last summer, I can't imagine that it is still going on. (PS: How he still has is job in this day and age is beyond me). But I have had the same thoughts on the scope of their fling. It was hard for me wrap my head around two adults only kissing. We aren't high schoolers that are nervous around the opposite sex and kissing is the only thing we are brave enough to do. To put it bluntly, we're adults and kissing is foreplay that leads to ****ing. If she has been having a fling with someone, my money would be someone new from the gym.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lost.In.My.Head said:


> And to be honest, she could have just come to me and said that she wanted to try out a threesome with him and I wouldn't have had much issue with it. We had talked in the past about the potential of threesomes, but never pulled the trigger on one.


Well, that says a lot. You sent her mixed messages. A threesome says it's okay to screw someone else so long as you are around and participating. That's not far from her screwing someone else with you NOT being around. It's a very short trip even if swingers say it's not.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I was in your situation, kinda. But at the time my plan was to get divorced as quickly as I could (she was being very generous on what she wanted) knowing full well that we could always reconcile married or not. My theory was that by not being married then she could not use any leverage that relationship grants to get what she wanted. So I went full force into divorce, even tho it wasnt what I wanted, and we were done within 98 days. Just because you are divorced doesnt mean that you cant still work on your relationship, and sometimes its easier.
You need to read up on the 180, if ANYONE needs to do the 180 it is you. She reached out and saw that immediately you went full fledge puppy dog. That made you less attractive to her. Doing the pick me dance, makes you less attractive to her. You are not even playing hard to get, all she does is wiggle her finger and you right there, not attractive to her either.
 Do yourself a favor and forget the marriage counseling, you both need to WANT the marriage for that to have any chance of working. Right now SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU.
Time is your answer. It will take time for you to feel better about yourself and the situation. Go to your counseling, great place to start. 
Be busy next time she mentions getting together, dont tell her what you are doing (if you are doing anything) but just be unavailable. Pick up your daughter for the day, dont include your wife, spend some time with your daughter one on one.

Good luck, glad you are here, lots of good help here.


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## TammyDawn23 (May 3, 2021)

Lost.In.My.Head said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> New member here. A friend who was saved by this site advised me to give it a shot to help cope with my crumbling marriage and life. I spend the majority of my days in my own head scared of my future. I don't know what to do and scared that every choice is the wrong one. But the longer that I sit here and let my fear/anxiety/depression eat me alive, the worse off I am going to be. I am hoping for some advice on how to save my marriage or at least help myself from completely caving into my own head.
> 
> ...


We cannot force people to love us no matter how much it hurts. I get you were laid up and it prob gave you some depression. Physical ailments will do that. But for a wife to run to someone else... that's not the answer. Clearly a person felt this was wrong enough to sound the alarms. 

You might not feel it now but you will be better off without a person like this in your life. Marriage is work but not THAT much. My first husband didn't want to be with me anymore. I was sad for a while but I had my son and my job so I got thru that. You will see in time there are other ppl out there that will be willing to spend time w/ you. And if not just learn to enjoy your own company. That's what I did. 

You will be ok no matter what. It doesn't matter if she won't admit she loves you. The history shows that she is prob not the best person to be with.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You really come across as an individual that crumbles easily under pressure. Did something similar happen with your first wife? Your thoughts of threesomes shows your lack of self respect, and if you lack self respect, do you think that others will respect you? Deep down no woman that knows that her man is willing to share her will have a lot respect for her man.
At this juncture, you should be getting peace of mind that you are getting away from a woman that showed you early on how much respect she had for you. She kick you at your lowest emotional point, that's something to say about her. Be glad you're getting rid of her even if you don't want it. It's for the best. Love is not a forced thing. Love is an easy flowing meeting of the minds.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your wife is one of those people you can love but not stay with as a mate. You have both degenerated since you got married the best I can tell. A spouse should be mature enough to get through medical issues like you had without spinning out. 

And you should be able to get through medical issues without losing all of your self-confidence. 

Your dynamic is simply not working together. As a couple you are spiraling downward. I think you just need to get used to the idea of divorce. I imagine individual counseling would benefit you. Good luck. Sorry this turned into a mess.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know the tip of the iceberg. She’s probably been banging her boss for awhile. And you conveniently adopted her daughter so you get to support her until she’s 18.

You should inform the other mans wife. She deserves to know what she’s marriage to.

It sounds like you have chumpitis. It’s all my fault so I can fix it!!! Nope. Her cheating was all on her. Cheating is a very personal decision She made.


If she’s still not screwing her boss shes moved onto someone else.

Why would you destroy yourself for a cheater? Get out of your denial of who she really is if you want to move forward.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I just read thru you post again (I skipped a few parts originally, but hey! give me a break! its a long post!) 

My story is I was working on my xwife and I's relationship. During my research on what to do I happened onto a post explaining the ILYBIANILWY speech. So six months later when she laid it on me I knew exactly what had happened, she had another man! I see your wife has given you the same speech, and it means the same....so sorry. She has found someone else, chances are she is not going to reconcile with you. 
You need to work on you. And to see your daughter you dont need your wife around. Why isnt the daughter spending a few nights with you? You are the childs father,you have the right to have her at your home without the mother around. She (your wife) is not the judge and jury on when you can see your daughter. She is "YOUR" daughter too. 

Hire a good attorney, one that will fight for your parental rights. Go to some counseling for yourself. Work out, eat well, and quit the "pick me" stuff.

Good luck


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

For one that boss needs to get fired if he is doing this to other families too. What kind of company is this that disciplines him multiple times for fraternizing with employees ? Once should have been enough! If you out him to the company will that impact your stbxw's job? Especially if he has done this with others? Does his wife know?


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