# scared to tell



## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I just got great news I was accepted into the registered nurse program that I applied to. I want to tell my husband but I can't because he is against it because its in a different city, I know that he will try to manipulate me into not going, but this could mean everything for my children and myself for us to have a future. Something other then my husbands failing business and pipe dreams. I can not take another episode like the last one where he verbally assaulted me till I complied with his wishes. I am so confused....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Within commuting distance? Or do you intend to live apart?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Serinity1980 said:


> I just got great news I was accepted into the registered nurse program that I applied to. I want to tell my husband but I can't because he is against it because its in a different city, I know that he will try to manipulate me into not going, but this could mean everything for my children and myself for us to have a future. Something other then my husbands failing business and pipe dreams. I can not take another episode like the last one where he verbally assaulted me till I complied with his wishes. I am so confused....


Well .. if it was the other way around I would be furious and very unhappy that my husband accepted a job or whatever another city without discussing it first... 

Just my opinion. I just think its sad that if something as big as this cannot be discussed then you have bigger issues.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would not be very happy if my wife decided to separate and live as a single while in school with me probably continuing to finance her. And all without telling me. But then, living apart is a deal breaker for me so I'd be out anyway.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The OP does not have a lot of posts, but they do not paint a rosey picture at all. 

I think she is preparing to move on.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

The university is 3 and a half hours away form here, so yes I would be living without him, I suspect no support at all from him whatsoever because he is only good at financing his wants. When I applied and told him he called me a Liar and came at me in such a verbally aggressive way and basically summed it up if I go anywhere I will have wait another year and apply here in the city. I'm 34 getting old I have a 14 year old daughter who I would like to be able to help support her through collage. I have to take into consideration that my 14 year old will be finished school in 4 years 
and my little guy is 8 years behind her. I'm 34 getting old rounding around the middle I'm not getting younger. Since I was chosen out of 1800 other applicants I feel that ignoring this chance would be a terrible idea for me. He makes me feel alone and I need to know if I am staying because I feel that I have to or because I want to.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

Sounds like you think the school is more important than your husband, so I would say you have your answer. Tell him you are divorcing him and move on.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It sounds like your marriage is in a precarious state. Given that, I would advise you to focus on your career in order to become financially stable and independent. You have two children to raise and it sounds like your H is absolutely no help in that area.

Take the job! And congratulations on being selected out of so many candidates. Go for it!


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

Ahh what a random pile of crap on a page and still not the point. My husband would not support me. He's a entrepreneur of a failing cleaning company because when things went wrong I told hey you should maybe do this and he listens to what I have to say the promptly disregards it. In stead of building his business he sat at home playing mincraft, watching you tube, and watching really bazaar porn (he is into really really weird stuff) for two years. While I went out got a job so I could pay his gas for him to so he would get off his butt and clean 3 hours a night (His business) which after working a full time job I went out and helped him clean it every night 7 days a week on top of taking 2 night courses and looking after our kids and household. Apparently what I do is useless and has no purpose at least thats what he just told my 14 year old daughter.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I worked really hard for this in the last year trying to take control of my life so my kids can have a better life. between school and work and work and home. I think he doesn't like it because he is loosing control I suddenly have my own opinion and I guess it differs greatly from his. He thinks I should work dead end jobs to put him through school but his average is a 2.5 so its just a waist of finances that should be going somewhere else like fixing our kids teeth.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stick a fork in it!


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Serinity1980 said:


> I just got great news I was accepted into the registered nurse program that I applied to. I want to tell my husband but I can't because he is against it because its in a different city, I know that he will try to manipulate me into not going, but this could mean everything for my children and myself for us to have a future. Something other then my husbands failing business and pipe dreams. I can not take another episode like the last one where he verbally assaulted me till I complied with his wishes. I am so confused....


First off, congratulations on the RN program you got accepted into. If you feel like that's the best way for you to support your family (with or without your husband) going forward, I think you need to take steps to make sure your transition goes as smoothly as possible. By that I mean, either decide to divorce your husband before the program starts so you have a clean slate, or see if you can get your husband on board with your decision. 

My wife teaches nursing classes and occasionally I will hear stories about some of her students having difficult times in her classes, so I know it's important to have your home life as worry-free as possible as you go through the RN program. Best of luck to you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This sounds like a good opportunity, and given the dubious future you have with your husband, I'd make the most of it. Be prepared, though, to have to divorce him somewhere during the program, and have contingency plans in place for the kids, etc. Or, just make that choice now and get everything in place so you can do the program without this hanging over your head.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Since he is not going to support you, I suggest that you go ahead with the divorce. We get you are getting older. Also the comment about rounding in the middle infers something else.

Rather than stay married and have zero hope and probably be finding someone else in the new city anyway I think you should do this the right way.

I do not doubt you want to pursue a career, but I suspect if another guy becomes avaialble you will pursue that as well. Perhaps you will decide you want a child with him even. Maybe not politically correct but this is what happens very often in life. Maybe there will be a new guy who will support you in your career or maybe you will decide another path.

Anyway let this go. 

Are these children from this marriage?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sounds like it is going to be tough to negotiate the living conditions, especially with the kids. It may come to a divorce.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to get an education and become financially independent. Not every man is responsible and reliable, and your guy certainly does not sound that way.

Congratulations on getting into the program. I am sure you have the drive to do well. I wish you the very best.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. If your not happy and you see no future with your husband then move on, but besides going to school, how do you plan on supporting yourself and the kids?

I agree that the end result of the schooling can land you a good paying job but it's all the stuff in between that has to be addressed. 

Before you decide, make sure you have all your ducks in a row because it can be a long road to hoe. Good luck.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I have tried to discuss things with him the last time I did he called me a liar told me I am being reactionary and that my feelings are not fair. I did apply for the ones here that I could but some of them I missed the application deadline and the ones that I didn't miss the application deadline where free to apply so I didn't have to go and ask him for money.The money that I make usually goes to put a roof over our heads and food into our kids bellies. Yes I resent him I resent the hell out of him I get to go to work look after our kids the house while he gets to go out spend money sit around the house playing computer watching porn and chatting to 20 something blond girls on plenty of fish. He has has 4 business in the last 15 years and every time he goes to start something new as much as I hate to say it but I believe him when he says that this time he is going to work hard and make it successful, but he doesn't all he does is the stuff I mentioned and when it enviably goes south it is always my fault or the fault of someone else. But I still believe him every single time to the tune of me co-singing a loan for him to the tune of $50000. That is all of my tuition and most of my living expenses for the next 4 years


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I am sorry if I am do longer able to compromise because that is all I have ever done in this marriage and all I have to show for it is 2 wonderful kids that we can barely look after. Due to my mismanagement and his. I realize and accept that I have screwed the pooch royally but I admit it and try to rectify it.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I care about him, I am concerned for how his life is going to turn out and I want him to be happy so I guess that I do love him; however, on the same note I hate him because he purposefully does things to make me unhappy and he lies to me all the time. I feel like he has become the ******* who broke my heart and crushed all my foolish hope and dreams.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow that's interesting to hear his reaction. For me I would be overjoyed that you want to help out with family finances and get a job as a nurse. Is part of his objection the amount that it would cost initially? I would still think it would be worthwhile, if for any other reason to help you pursue your dreams.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

a) you have to be considerate of your husbands feelings. Clearly he loves you and doesn't want to lose you (long distance relationship). I'm sure he also needs your support and recognizes the risk to your relationship upon you moving (perhaps his way of communicating all that is not appropriate).

b) You should peruse what you believe is good for the financial future of your and your family.

Is there any compromise you can make and perhaps find a place closer to home?



Serinity1980 said:


> I have tried to discuss things with him the last time I did he called me a liar told me I am being reactionary and that my feelings are not fair. I did apply for the ones here that I could but some of them I missed the application deadline and the ones that I didn't miss the application deadline where free to apply so I didn't have to go and ask him for money.The money that I make usually goes to put a roof over our heads and food into our kids bellies. Yes I resent him I resent the hell out of him I get to go to work look after our kids the house while he gets to go out spend money sit around the house playing computer watching porn and chatting to 20 something blond girls on plenty of fish. He has has 4 business in the last 15 years and every time he goes to start something new as much as I hate to say it but I believe him when he says that this time he is going to work hard and make it successful, but he doesn't all he does is the stuff I mentioned and when it enviably goes south it is always my fault or the fault of someone else. But I still believe him every single time to the tune of me co-singing a loan for him to the tune of $50000. That is all of my tuition and most of my living expenses for the next 4 years


Wow. You have TONS of issues to address above.......LONG LONG LONG before you even think about your future/career.

Think about it, even if you make $30-40k a year after school.....he just blew that on his business TODAY.......# of times already.

Address the issues at hand....and those would be:
- financial negligence on his part. You 2 should contribute similar towards living expenses
- infidelity - WTF? You really allow this?
- Trust - and not your usual trust here. Even though he keeps lying, you still trust him? Something is clearly wrong with you to do this.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

Why does he then talk to other women who are not family on dating sites and Facebook, he goes out of his way to talk to them. He is very flirty with any woman who so much as smiles ate him. I have broached the subject with him and let him know that it bothers me when he does it, but he just played it off as me being one of those jealous type women. But for me if another guy so much as looks at me sideways or gives me a smile I must be having an affair... and I'm a dirty ****.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

- Trust - and not your usual trust here. Even though he keeps lying, you still trust him? Something is clearly wrong with you to do this.[/QUOTE]

I don't trust him or believe him anymore I can't afford to for my sake and my kids. I think this is part of the issue that I no longer have the blind faith and trust in him, I might be a slow learner but I take my lessons to heart


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Serinity1980 said:


> I don't trust him or believe him anymore I can't afford to for my sake and my kids. I think this is part of the issue that I no longer have the blind faith and trust in him, I might be a slow learner but I take my lessons to heart


...and without trust, there is NOTHING.

I suggest you think about how to get yourself out of this marriage ASAP. Your school thing will have to wait.

Priorities....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Repeat after me....

"I have no boundaries"

"I have allowed poor behavior from my spouse"

"I am angry"

"I MUST have change"

Your life is not sustainable... but you DO have options that will support your children and honor your marriage while at the same time holding your spouse and yourself accountable.

VENT all you want to... but at the end of the day... those kids will bear the brundt of your decision. The rest of their lives... whether you stay or go. 

And though, yes, money brings opportunity... if your husband is a good dad if he were to work on the accountability part on two fronts (money and protecting your marriage from outsiders) then there will be no greater lesson your kids could see than him choosing better behavior, your perseverance and healing of the whole family. 

If you have your eyes on another man... these problems will follow you there... think better of it before you ever head down that road.

You guys need honesty without abuse, accountability and maturity and a good dose of education in boundaries.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Wow that's interesting to hear his reaction. For me I would be overjoyed that you want to help out with family finances and get a job as a nurse. Is part of his objection the amount that it would cost initially? I would still think it would be worthwhile, if for any other reason to help you pursue your dreams.



I'm guessing it would be more because she would be living elsewhere.

And no matter what the true story of all of this is, if they are having marital problems, he may be feeling insecure that she isn't going to be living at home for most of the time.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Serinity1980 said:


> Apparently what I do is useless and has no purpose at least thats what he just told my 14 year old daughter.


^^projection

He feels that what he does is useless and has no purpose and he is projecting that onto you. 

When he criticizes you, picture him saying those things into the mirror. You'll be amazed at what you can learn about his core beliefs/feelings


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Another member pm'ed me and asked me to respond because I went to RN school with similar motivations you have. I went against my H's wishes when our M was looking very shaky (porn, drinking, affair, lost his job, etc...) because I felt trapped that I was dependent on him for my and our children's provisions.



Serinity1980 said:


> I have tried to discuss things with him the last time I did he called me a liar told me I am being reactionary and that my feelings are not fair. I did apply for the ones here that I could but some of them I missed the application deadline and the ones that I didn't miss the application deadline where free to apply so I didn't have to go and ask him for money....


34 is young. I earned an RN at age 50. But it is a difficult program with a high drop out rate.

Slow down and take your time. Breathe. Do you really want to uproot your children from their schools, friends, home, father and change their entire life at the same time you are flat out with the immense stress of a gruelling academic program?

My suggestion is that you re-apply for next year at the programs which are closer. If you got picked out of 1800 applicants, you should be able to get into a closer one.



> But I still believe him every single time to the tune of me co-singing a loan for him to the tune of $50000. That is all of my tuition and most of my living expenses for the next 4 years


ick! bad decision! don't do THAT again! not with your H nor with your children. (for your kids' college you may face this "cosign" thing again)


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Serinity1980 said:


> But for me if another guy so much as looks at me sideways or gives me a smile I must be having an affair... and I'm a dirty ****.


Uh oh... ^^more projection

I'm afraid your H may be having an affair (which makes him feel dirty)

When my H was having a secret affair, he accused me of having a BF.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I have family in the other city so I won't be alone. My sister and my mother both live there and I have discussed it with him that they will be there to help with some of the looking after kid stuff that happens when you go to school. He wants to go to school as well while I'm not against it I want him to actually make an effort. We paid $3000 for him to upgrade in the last year and his highest mark was barely a 72%. Why it was 72% is because he spent all his free time watching porn playing games and well the other stuff. I have a really hard time wrapping my brain around this because I worked 2 jobs went to night school and looked after our kids and I was in the high 80's.... and I have chronic insomnia to boot so I don't sleep. If he is in school as well I just think it would be better for the kids for us to be somewhere where we have the extra help or I have the extra help, he ignores the kids anyway.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Looks like he has taken his opportunity's in this life and squandered them.

You are speaking "single mom" speak. Everything you say is about you and the kids. Keeping a roof over their heads, feeding them, supporting them through school.

Nothing you've said about your husband is positive. And Im sure its not just venting.

I think he was the one who screwed the pooch.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Serinity1980 said:


> I worked 2 jobs went to night school and looked after our kids and I was in the high 80's.... and I have chronic insomnia to boot so I don't sleep.


Please be careful of your mental health. Nursing school is stressful. At least one classmate I know of who was going through a divorce dropped out. Divorce is stressful. Moving is stressful (although I am glad to hear you have some help at the other end).

One option would be to defer your admission a year, move, divorce, and start the program after you have recovered somewhat from the other stresses.

You could give your H the option of moving with you if you want to work on the M and/or have him involved with the children's lives.


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

I am going to tell him that I was accepted today, not sure how it will go either he will be happy and supportive or he will be verbally belligerent to me again which means he will try to corner me again... and then I get to hear about how much of a liar and how disrespectful I am towards him for the next couple weeks. Wish me luck....


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Go for it!

He doesn't sound like he is happy anyways.

If you are Making an effort to advance in your life, then he should be supportive of that. 

He sounds controlling of you and your life, forgetting that you are a person too. 

I think your children will appreciate it very much that you take their environment and home life into consideration.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Serinity1980 said:


> I am going to tell him that I was accepted today, not sure how it will go either he will be happy and supportive or he will be verbally belligerent to me again which means he will try to corner me again... and then I get to hear about how much of a liar and how disrespectful I am towards him for the next couple weeks. Wish me luck....


I don't know how he can expect you to comply with ANYTHING behaving like that. 

Please do not give up your opportunity for this program no matter what. If he is going to tear you down over this, let him live with himself. Don't turn down this chance to succumb to his babbling baby bullshet.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Coming from a man, I will tell you to go and secure your future for your kids. I know he is your hubby but it's time for you shine in your life!!


Good Luck!!


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## Serinity1980 (Oct 22, 2013)

Well I told him he is giving me the silent treatment now, it would have been nice if he had been happy for me but he is acting sulky now. Still worried that we will have another episode of him being verbally abusive towards me again but we will see. My big concern now is that he will try and take my kids from me... if I go.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You didn't seriously think he'd be happy for you did you? You just told him you're leaving him. 

Your kids? Are they not his kids too? If so they should get equal time with him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I really hope this works out for you, serenity. Your husband really sounds like an immature guy.


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## SeaStarIn (Mar 26, 2014)

Ok so I have been following this for a bit now and have been holding my tongue. I have been married to a nurse now for 30 years (very happy). Do yourself and your children a great favor GO FOR IT!!!! The world needs more caregivers. Don't worry about him Karma is a ***** but he will get by.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Some men have a hard time dealing with failure. I know I am not good at it. I hope you both can work it out but I do understand you wanting to peruse your dream as well. I wished my wife would consider going into a nursing program. She is extremely good at that kind of stuff but I also understand she likes what she is doing now so I am here for her either way.  

I hope things go well for you. 

Clay


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