# How can I help my husband get over my cheating?



## Kathlene

I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything. 

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


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## farsidejunky

The audacity of you to expect him to change into something he is not, in the wake of your betrayal, is pretty horrible. 

Your entire post is about YOU, and how to make it better for YOU, alleviate YOUR guilt, etc., rather than what you could do to actually help him heal. Hint: it is a 2-3 year process that requires a ton of work, and it does not include"getting over it" anywhere in the curriculum. 

It doesn't sound like you have much love for your husband anyway. Why do you want to stay?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

God I hope you don't have kids. 

First thing you have to decide is if you can love your husband, right now with your attitude it's clear you don't. This is a very long road and frankly if you don't love your husband and aren't willing to step up do the hard work and fix yourself then move on, he will be better off without you. He will get over it believe me. Sooner then you or he thinks.

I suspect if you keep this up he will. May take him a year to have all the love in his heart for you die but it will, you can't abuse and treat someone cruelly like you are doing and expect them to continue to love you. That's now how it works.

Yes cruelly, what you need to understand is affairs are abuse, they cause long term PTSD and change people for life and who they are. The only one abusive in this relationship is you, I mean you should expect him to have some harsh words for you, you deserve them. That's pretty typical in the first 2 years of the aftermath. Go read some post by people who are in your husbands situation, read some books about the aftermath.

Right now your post doesn't read like you have any idea of the magnitude of pain he is in, cause by you, or that you even care. You also have no idea what you have done to yourself. 

I think you are really overestimating your value in this situation. You are the cheater here, your husband is a faithful partner, and boredom in marriage is a pretty common aspect to it from time to time. Will you find another man like this dominate guy you cheated with I'm sure, lets be honest those guys really only want one thing, as long as you keep your looks there will always be one of them around? Will you find someone who will be willing to love you and spend their life with you? If you are truthful it's going to be much harder now, and if this is your attitude about cheating a good man will smell it from a mile away and run away fast.

You essentially destroyed your husband the person who is supposed to be the primary person in your life because you were bored, and you seemingly don't care. That makes you a very dangerous choice to be in a relationship with.

The other thing that you really don't understand is men. Let me explain how we are, something your father should have taught you. A good guy who is intuitive enough to figure out how you think is not going to waste his time with someone who thinks like you right now, he may have a very short fling with you though and have some fun but it will be a very shallow short term thing, then when he gets the sense you want more he will move on. A bad guy will pretend like he wants to have something serious with you but just use you for "fun". Like your work guy did, he figured you out very well. You are probably not the first he has done this with either. No man will take you seriously. Unless they are not intuitive enough to see who you are, that is your husband right now. But he is starting to get it I'm am sure. Eventually he will.

So your choices are to fix your broken selfish nature if you can and maybe your life will recover, or go on like you are and pretty soon it's gonna be you and not your ex husband who sees the true damage. He will have moved on. There will be someone out there who wants a faithful husband, and they may even be very open to him sexually, plus they won't have broken his heart and then on top of that gotten upset because he was sarcastic. 

Sorry to be blunt but if anyone needed a wake up call it's you. I mean be honest, would you want to be married to someone who has acted like you? Would anyone who is emotionally healthy and not getting over the terrible trauma of being cheated on?

Send your husband are way and we will toughen him up, he does need to be stronger that's true and we can help.


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## As'laDain

honest answer? act like your whole world revolves around satisfying him in every way you can. 

so, i was too soft with my wife. she mistook that for weakness. i hope you arent making that mistake...

when it became clear to me that my wife did not respect me as a person, i stopped respecting her. and that turned her whole world upside down. i guess thats when she got to see who i really am? who knows. since then, i have fought in three wars and a bunch of isolated incidents and have seen lots of friends call it quits and leave our profession. 

we are still happily married by the way.

what you do is up to you, but everyone has a limit. if your husband is a good guy that you want to keep around, you might want to focus on making it worth it for him to stick around.


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## Divinely Favored

Kathlene said:


> I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.
> 
> This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.
> 
> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


And you dont think the affair was emotional abuse. You need to suck it up buttercup, this may last for years. Yoy want hubby to be more dominant but what you have done emasculated him more. I would suggest you start putting what you did with your POSOM on the sex menu. Did yoy have friends that knew aboyt the affair? If they did not try to stop it or if they encouraged it, then they need to go also" no contact.

Clarification....you and hubby was at dinner and he found evidence(text/sext) or you and POSOM was out together?


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## Diana7

No he isnt abusing you emotionally at all. Its only been three months since he found out, he is deeply hurt and it takes years to recover from something like this if he ever can. To be honest if my husband cheated I doubt if I would ever be able to have sex with him again, especially if he had done all sort of things with her that I wanted but he wouldnt with me. He will be angry, hurt and he will struggle to trust you for a long time. Not sure what you expected but its NOT abuse in ANY way to want to bring this up and to feel so upset and unhappy.
As for you wanting him to be more like the OM, he is who he is.Maybe you should have married a man who was like the man you wanted.

You will need to give him time, lots of time, many more months and years. If he gets angry he gets angry. If he brings up about how you gave the OM BJ's and not him, let him. I cant believe that you think he should be over such a big betrayal after such a very short time Three months is nothing. I would suggest a long time of marriage counselling, marriage courses and lots of reading on how to recover from an affair. 

If you cant take the heat and aren't prepared to put in the long term work then you may even need to end the marriage. I hope you have also had tests for STD's and that the OM's wife/partner if he has one has been told what he did.


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## oldtruck

Katherine, recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. healing moves at such a slow pace that 
it will not be noticed on a day to day or even week to week time frame.

Many BS go through an anger phase 6 months out from D day. this phase can
last up to 6 months. You now see that your BH will not have healed at the 1 year
mark.

if you wanted your BH to be dominate in bed then you needed to tell him, teach
him, lead him. Now lots of luck you telling your BH how to do you.

whether you say oh yes that is so good it feels as good as the OM or
no that is not how the OM does it. Lots of luck with that.

your BH emotions are all over the place. it is called the emotional roller coaster
ride. up down, repeat.

what are you doing to repair the broken trust?

Can your BH verify that there is NC between you and the OM?

where is your sex life now, is there HB, hysterical bonding?

worst thing for a WW to say after D day is this happened 3 months ago why
are you not over it, and to add for good measure for a WW to avoid it was just
sex.


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## pbj2016

“I was depressed so I let another man not my husband pick me up out of depression. Only thing that seemed to work was that real man’s snot in my mouth. Not sure why my husband has an issue with it. I’m now no longer depressed...seems my husband caught my depression. He just needs to get over it. “ signed “can’t believe my husband is holding this against me”

Did I summarize it correctly? 

I suspect your husband is a “nice” guy. You won’t (or shouldn’t) help your husband not be a nice guy because that is something that he needs to discover for himself (or with the help of this forum).


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## Openminded

It will take years (not a few months) for your marriage to recover — assuming that it even can.


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## Impulse

Kathlene said:


> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?


I would start with some BJs (not me personally but if I was you). I know this would help me.



Kathlene said:


> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


Submission is something you feel, not something somebody does to you. If you don’t feel submitted to your husband, is it not more likely to be your issue? 

Which part do you want to fix in your marriage? The part where you are not attracted to your husband anymore or the part where you want your husband to be someone he is not? Both of these things are extremely difficult to fix and it’s unlikely you can fix them.


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## bobert

> I've been repairing my marriage since.


Really? What have you been doing to repair your marriage? Telling your husband to get over it is not repairing your marriage. Are you in therapy to figure out why you cheated ("I was depressed" isn't a good enough excuse, oh sorry, "answer")? Part of the real answer is in your post, btw. Is he in therapy to figure out why he stayed and to deal with the trauma you caused? What have you done to deal with the depression, besides getting filled up with another man's cum? 

You are complaining that it has been 3 whole months and he's still not over it? How dare he!  It takes something like 2-5 years to heal from infidelity and that's IF both parties are actually doing the work. So I'll ask again, what work are you actually doing?

It's "really turning you off" that your husband is so betrayed, hurt, emasculated, and traumatized? YOU caused that! How turned on do you think he is at the thought of you choking down another man's ****? 

You will leave him if he doesn't hurry up and get over it? The man should be telling YOU to pack your **** and get out. YOU caused this damage, not him. Suck it up and deal with your consequences or divorce him and go back to sucking something else. 

Here's a book to read though I doubt you will: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald: 9781450553322: Amazon.com: Books


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## Evinrude58

Well, here’s a textbook, classical example in technicolor, WHY a betrayed spouse should just kick his cheater to the curb and move on with his life.

There’s no fixing a person with an entitlement attitude. And, a man who has been punched in the gut in the worst way humanly possible, is unlikely to have the reaction needed in his weakest moment to handle his wife properly, which is to reclaim his power and force her to earn HIS feelings back, and not the other way around. It just doesn’t work.


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## Mr. Nail

Kathlene said:


> --snip-- I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


It appears that you do not understand the position you are in. I had a little situation just yesterday that brings your position clearly to my mind. Mrs. Nail yelled at me. I stopped everything. Got up and walked away. That is where you are. You are one sharp word away from separation. One wistful glance, one text message, one little slip from the end of your marriage. Yes this is not a comfortable place to be. Yes you feel like it is abusive to you. But it is not malicious. It is simply the natural result of the very abusive things you did to your husband. 
So one thing you need to understand. You already destroyed the marriage. He is willing to play along until you learn to get it right. That is an incredibly kind gift to you. A gift many would not offer.
Next thing to understand, if you want your husband (for the day) to get over it you have to give him back what you have taken away. Trust. 
Next thing you need to understand. He has established a boundary and he is enforcing it. He is doing exactly what you are asking. And you have the unmitigated gall to call his compliance to your wish Abuse.
And yet another thing, You have been told that this journey you desire is a years long path. You are going to be uncomfortable for years.
Most couples don't survive what you did. It will take extraordinary effort on your part to make it.
There is a boundary that he has that he hasn't announced to you. He refuses to change himself into a stand in for your lost affair partner. He is not going to be the man you betrayed him for.
He could, but you dropped that man like a hot potato. Your husband is not in this for a fling.


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## oldshirt

"How can I help my husband get over my cheating?"

Translation here is - how can I avoid any consequences for having fun with that hot hunk and get my husband to serve me like he used to and not bother me about sex?


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## VladDracul

JustTheWife said:


> Come on...is this genuine?


Absolutely


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## TJW

I am completely infuriated to read your post. I would feel that every time I kissed you, for the rest of my life, that I was sucking another man's **** by proxy. Add that to the fact that you never did it for me.... bingo..... dead marriage....

You might as well not even try to "heal" your husband. You won't. You have dealt an unrecoverable blow (no pun intended) to him. You husband now has a completely intractable injury. And, you will have a life sentence that you richly deserve, if you remain married.



Kathlene said:


> What can I do to salvage this marriage?


Nothing. Your marriage is 100% dead. Forever. Stick a fork in it. Forget your husband ever being "the man you need him to be". He is never going to be that.

When he figures out that he is strong, and capable of asserting himself, he will tell you to take a flying phuck at a rolling donut. And, by God, I would just pay real money to hear him tell you that.



Kathlene said:


> How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


You can't. You cannot "get" another person to do anything. The only way YOU can move on is to move out. But, whatever you do, you can "get over" what you have done, but your husband never will. Keep that in your mind as you prance off to Mr. Right Now (again).


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## Graywolf2

Kathlene said:


> I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that.
> 
> I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft.


So your OM took advantage of you, was dominate in bed and you liked it.



Kathlene said:


> One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off.
> 
> I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally.


So because of your affair your husband is being dominate out of bed and you don’t like it. 



Kathlene said:


> What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


Tell your husband what you want. Stop dominating you out of bed and start doing it in bed. Tell him every time he brings up your affair that’s one less BJ he will get that night. That will keep him in line. There is nothing like repeated BJs for a man to get over things.


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## Mr. Nail

when and if the OP returns to the thread the very first question I have is how many BJ's since DDay but until then we can only offer advice based on her post


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## oldshirt

Graywolf2 said:


> So your OM took advantage of you, was dominate in bed and you liked it.
> 
> 
> 
> So because of your affair your husband is being dominate out of bed and you don’t like it.
> 
> 
> 
> Tell your husband what you want. Stop dominating you out of bed and start doing it in bed. Tell him every time he brings up your affair that’s one less BJ he will get that night. That will keep him in line. There is nothing like repeated BJs for a man to get over things.


The BH is not being dominant out of bed. He is being a beta whiner begging for her attention and love. 

The issue here is his whining and begging is making her lose even more respect and attraction for him. 

A part of her may have been hoping that this would make him man-up and take charge of himself even if it meant tossing her out. But he has become even more pathetic in her eyes. 

Having the WW tell the BH what she wants in order for her to stay with him is about the ultimate in further loss of respect and attraction.


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## Diana7

oldshirt said:


> The BH is not being dominant out of bed. He is being a beta whiner begging for her attention and love.
> 
> The issue here is his whining and begging is making her lose even more respect and attraction for him.
> 
> A part of her may have been hoping that this would make him man-up and take charge of himself even if it meant tossing her out. But he has become even more pathetic in her eyes.
> 
> Having the WW tell the BH what she wants in order for her to stay with him is about the ultimate in further loss of respect and attraction.


Or maybe he is just a normal decent guy who is struggling with his wife having chjeated and is fighting for his marriage. I admire him for even trying.


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## oldshirt

Mr. Nail said:


> when and if the OP returns to the thread the very first question I have is how many BJ's since DDay but until then we can only offer advice based on her post


There's no reason for her to come back. She was looking for people to say that the past is in the past and that he should be appreciative that she has chosen to stay (for now) and allow him the greatness of her to remain in the home. 

She wants a magic phrase that will make him go back to serving her without agenda of his own. 

If she has seen any replies here, she will quickly realize she won't get that here.


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## oldshirt

Diana7 said:


> Or maybe he is just a normal decent guy who is struggling with his wife having chjeated and is fighting for his marriage. I admire him for even trying.


Even if so, that doesn't change anything I said.


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## DownByTheRiver

Wow, it's all about whether he gets BJs now, so I would think very carefully about whether I really wanted to stay with him. I mean you know the price now. Is it worth it? 

You cheated and he can never forget that. It's unlikely he will ever forgive it. Most people their biggest problem is trust after being cheated on by the person they thought was loyal to them, and in a situation like that all I can advise is that you be as transparent as possible and always give him access to your social media etc. 

But this clown's only concern seems to be how he can get more BJs, so I am at a loss for words. If you don't have kids, I think you two should just go your separate ways. If you do have kids and want to stay together, I guess you both need to grow up a little. And you're never going to hear the end of it as far as the BJ's go. He sounds like he's a dog with a bone about that. Weird priorities.


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## bobert

DownByTheRiver said:


> Wow, it's all about whether he gets BJs now, so I would think very carefully about whether I really wanted to stay with him. I mean you know the price now. Is it worth it?
> 
> You cheated and he can never forget that. It's unlikely he will ever forgive it. Most people their biggest problem is trust after being cheated on by the person they thought was loyal to them, and in a situation like that all I can advise is that you be as transparent as possible and always give him access to your social media etc.
> 
> But this clown's only concern seems to be how he can get more BJs, so I am at a loss for words. If you don't have kids, I think you two should just go your separate ways. If you do have kids and want to stay together, I guess you both need to grow up a little. And you're never going to hear the end of it as far as the BJ's go. He sounds like he's a dog with a bone about that. Weird priorities.


So if you were with a guy who never took you on dates, never bought you flowers, never gave you cards, etc. but you found out he was having an affair and was giving his AP flowers, cards, and going on romantic dates, you wouldn't care? You wouldn't wonder why she was good enough for that stuff and you aren't? Why you're not worth the effort? You wouldn't want him to do those things for you?


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## DownByTheRiver

What I know is myself and other women who have been cheated on, their question isn't about what kind of sex the man had with the woman. It's about how could they do that to them and what happened to their bond and what's going on emotionally and why don't you love me enough not to do something frivolous that would hurt me so badly. . It's not about what sex acts he performed. It's just ridiculous for that to be the focus when you're talking about a relationship falling apart from cheating.


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## MattMatt

@Kathlene If your husband doesn't "man up" you might leave him? :O

I think he deserves that kind of good fortune. However, if you do leave him, make sure you give him a vastly disproportionate split in the divorce.


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## bobert

DownByTheRiver said:


> What I know is myself and other women who have been cheated on, their question isn't about what kind of sex the man had with the woman. It's about how could they do that to them and what happened to their bond and what's going on emotionally and why don't you love me enough not to do something frivolous that would hurt me so badly. . It's not about what sex acts he performed. It's just ridiculous for that to be the focus when you're talking about a relationship falling apart from cheating.


After I found out about my wife's cheating I asked her every question imaginable. What she did with them was definitely on that list and of course, there were things on that list that she wasn't doing with me. I got over it eventually, but that took a long time and only happened because she either started doing them with me or I realized I didn't even want it anyway.

I took the "if you can sleep with two people, so can I" route and, eventually, my wife came up with a list of questions that she wanted answered. Very few were about the sex. Most were about the feelings, what I was thinking, etc.

That's the difference between men and women though. We're not the same and we don't think or react the same way.


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## DownByTheRiver

It's just petty and beside the point.


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## bobert

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's just petty and beside the point.


It's not petty, nor irrelevant, to the person experiencing it. It's a very huge, very painful, and very real issue. When you turn into a man, then you can have an opinion on how men should feel and react. Until then, it's probably best not to compare men to yourself and your girlfriends.


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## DownByTheRiver

Well whether I'm a man or not, I can certainly have an opinion about what I like and don't like in one. So no I don't believe I'll take your advice.


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## oldshirt

DownByTheRiver said:


> What I know is myself and other women who have been cheated on, their question isn't about what kind of sex the man had with the woman. It's about how could they do that to them and what happened to their bond and what's going on emotionally and why don't you love me enough not to do something frivolous that would hurt me so badly. . It's not about what sex acts he performed. It's just ridiculous for that to be the focus when you're talking about a relationship falling apart from cheating.


Men are nuts and bolts. They aren't that well able to process or express concepts like bonds and emotional wounding and such and so what actually comes out of their mouths is BJs and other acts that were done with other men. 

He likely has the same base feelings and concerns that you would if you were cheated on, but it is expressed in physical, nuts and bolts terms. 

You may not be as concerned with the physical acts and so it sounds petty to you. But this is how he expresses his hurt and insecurities and fears and so it is not petty or insignificant to him.


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## DownByTheRiver

Well you need to realize how this comes off to women. But I have to disagree about one thing and that is not all men are like that. I have actually never heard of a man in my old circle which was a large circle who would have had that reaction. Most of them would have just walked away. They wouldn't have been whining about how many BJ's she gave him compared to how many he got. They would have said, Next.


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## JustTheWife

DownByTheRiver said:


> Wow, it's all about whether he gets BJs now, so I would think very carefully about whether I really wanted to stay with him. I mean you know the price now. Is it worth it?
> 
> You cheated and he can never forget that. It's unlikely he will ever forgive it. Most people their biggest problem is trust after being cheated on by the person they thought was loyal to them, and in a situation like that all I can advise is that you be as transparent as possible and always give him access to your social media etc.
> 
> But this clown's only concern seems to be how he can get more BJs, so I am at a loss for words. If you don't have kids, I think you two should just go your separate ways. If you do have kids and want to stay together, I guess you both need to grow up a little. And you're never going to hear the end of it as far as the BJ's go. He sounds like he's a dog with a bone about that. Weird priorities.


If this is a genuine thread, I don't think you can assume it's "all about the BJs" and nothing else. People react in different ways and sometimes there's an emotional reaction and trigger over SYMBOLS. Women also get upset about symbols of betrayal and lost trust. Could be a simple and meaningless thing considering the bigger issues.

Would we say that he should leave her because all she cares about is her WH taking his AP out for ice cream or buying her a teddy bear. I think for men, things like BJs are more likely to be symbols of the betrayal than the symbols that may trigger emotional reactions from women. Just a thought.


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## DownByTheRiver

What other symbols do men use, I wonder.


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## rockon

With the tongue lashing she has received I would be very surprised if OP returned.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

As a betrayed spouse who reconciled, if my wife had the attitude I glean from your post, she would be in my rear view mirror. Your first post seems all about ME!

You should be attempting to move heaven and earth to save your marriage if you truly love your husband. It is not about you. It is about him. This quote infuriated me.
*
“He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?“*

My dear lady, you will be lucky if he ever gets over it. I will be five years into R Christmas Eve, and I am not over it. When I have to pass the motel Where their trysts on I65 on my way to my office in Nashville, I still trigger a bit.

I think you do not have in you what he needs from you to heal. Selfish is the word I would use to describe your post, and that is being kind.


----------



## oldshirt

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you need to realize how this comes off to women. But I have to disagree about one thing and that is not all men are like that. I have actually never heard of a man in my old circle which was a large circle who would have had that reaction. Most of them would have just walked away. They wouldn't have been whining about how many BJ's she gave him compared to how many he got. They would have said, Next.


I'm not saying what he is doing is right or that that is an effective way of dealing with it. In fact I think walking away from this whole thing is the best thing for him to do. 

I am just saying why it seems like he is focusing on the BJs.


----------



## JustTheWife

DownByTheRiver said:


> What other symbols do men use, I wonder.


Not sure what you're implying. Even if (for the sake of argument) it were mainly sexual things that men most commonly trigger on and become what they verbalize about the affair, so what? My point is simply that the symbols of the betrayal do not mean that it's all about the symbol. People trigger on what they trigger on. Everyone's different.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

How many sexual favors you're getting is no measure of love.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

JustTheWife said:


> Not sure what you're implying. Even if (for the sake of argument) it were mainly sexual things that men most commonly trigger on and become what they verbalize about the affair, so what? My point is simply that the symbols of the betrayal do not mean that it's all about the symbol. People trigger on what they trigger on. Everyone's different.


Yes and it tells you something about them.


----------



## LisaDiane

DownByTheRiver said:


> How many sexual favors you're getting is no measure of love.


Maybe for YOU, but other people might feel differently...


----------



## TJW

DownByTheRiver said:


> How many sexual favors you're getting is no measure of love.


I agree..... but it is a measure of attraction and of preference. This woman prefers her AP sexually over her husband. Men are simple, like someone said. A=B, B=C. He won't "get over" this, not ever.....


----------



## DownByTheRiver

No one really gets over cheating.


----------



## JustTheWife

DownByTheRiver said:


> How many sexual favors you're getting is no measure of love.





DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes and it tells you something about them.


Nor is the number of teddy bears he gives to her. Or boxes of chocolate or flowers. Or jewelry. Or walks down the boardwalk at the beach. Surprise romantic weekend getaways.

What does it tell you about men? That sex is important to many of them? That the thought of another man with their wife is very disturbing to them? That they mingle sex and love more than women might? No surprises here. I assume you're trying to say something beyond the obvious here? No need to be obscure.


----------



## Graywolf2

oldshirt said:


> The BH is not being dominant out of bed. He is being a beta whiner begging for her attention and love.
> The issue here is his whining and begging is making her lose even more respect and attraction for him.


I agree with the above but at least her husband was being sarcastic.



Graywolf2 said:


> So your OM took advantage of you, was dominate in bed and you liked it.
> 
> So because of your affair your husband is being dominate out of bed and you don’t like it.


The point I was trying to make was that the OP said she was turned on when her OM took advantage of her, dominated her and made her submit. Then she said she was turned off when (I assume her normally considerate) husband was sarcastic about her affair.

So I took her at her word and suggested:



Graywolf2 said:


> Tell your husband what you want. Stop dominating you out of bed and start doing it in bed.


*By dominate I meant less considerate. *

That is he should be more than sarcastic and take that attitude to bed. Again, taking her at her word that being dominated made her want to give BJs. She will want to give her now dominate husband BJs. I feel confident as a man to say that BJs may not solve the situation but they couldn’t hurt,



Mr. Nail said:


> when and if the OP returns to the thread the very first question I have is how many BJ's since DDay but until then we can only offer advice based on her post


This is a great question. *My bet is that it’s zero BJs if her husband can't even get away with being sarcastic after her affair.*


----------



## oldshirt

Graywolf2 said:


> I agree with the above but at least her husband was being sarcastic.
> 
> 
> The point I was trying to make was that the OP sad she liked it when her OM took advantage of her, dominated her and made her submit. Then she said she was turned off when (I assume her normally nice) husband was sarcastic about her affair.


So I took her at her word and suggested:



That is he should be more than sarcastic and take that attitude to bed. Again, taking her at her word that being dominated mage her want to give BJs. She will want to give her now dominate husband BJs. I feel confident as a man to say that BJs may not solve the situation but they couldn’t hurt,



This is a great question. My bet is that it’s zero BJs if her husband can get away with being sarcastic after her affair.
[/QUOTE]

The problem here is she did not respect him and was not attracted to him to begin with. that is why she wasn't having oral sex with him and why she had the affair in the first place. 

She saw him as weak and nondominant, while she saw the OM as strong and dominant. 

The H's behavior since the affair has been even more weak and pathetic thus eroding her respect and attraction for him even more. 

Him being sarcastic and even trying to be more dominant in bed won't work because she already believes him to be weak. It will just make him look like a mean jerk. That is why she is accusing him of being abusing. 

As ironic and counterintuitive as this may seem, about the only way he can regain her respect (she can't be attracted to him or desire until she respects him first) is to toss her out, divorce her, and then go out and bang a dozen women younger and prettier than her. 

If she shows back up on his doorstep in the rain pleading for another chance, he would need to treat her like the dirty ho she is for her to desire him and blow him readily out of her own desire. 

This is kind of game he really can't win if he wants an actual loving and faithful wife. In order for her to truly desire him now, he is going to have to become the AP/OM and the play'a. 

In otherwords,if order for her to truly want to blow him and swallow his junk, he's going to have to toss her out, divorce her, turn into kind of a jerk and hook up with a bunch of other chicks. 

Then when she finds some other chump/beta boy to take her in, then he becomes the OM. 

It's kind of a paradox at this point. He can't accept her adultery and keep her as his wife and be her loving and doting husband and have her desire him at the same time. Just the act of keeping her and whining about her adultery and pleading for her to stay and not cheat again, destroys her trust and respect for him.


----------



## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> This is kind of game he really can't win if he wants an actual loving and faithful wife. In order for her to truly desire him now, he is going to have to become the AP/OM and the play'a.
> 
> In otherwords,if order for her to truly want to blow him and swallow his junk, he's going to have to toss her out, divorce her, turn into kind of a jerk and hook up with a bunch of other chicks.
> 
> Then when she finds some other chump/beta boy to take her in, then he becomes the OM.
> 
> It's kind of a paradox at this point. He can't accept her adultery and keep her as his wife and be her loving and doting husband and have her desire him at the same time. Just the act of keeping her and whining about her adultery and pleading for her to stay and not cheat again, destroys her trust and respect for him.


This is the crux and the punchline here. She can't respect him and desire him and consider him strong and dominant if he keeps her and whines about her affair and begs her to stay and not cheat again. 

Just the act of accepting her and her affair makes her see him as weak and pathetic and destroys her trust and respect and she can't desire who she doesn't respect.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

*


Kathlene said:



I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that.

Click to expand...

*I stopped reading your post after this happy horse-****. I don't even know what your story is and frankly, I don't care.

So to make sure I got this straight, you're a _*victim*_, is that it? You were minding your own business reading your Bible under a tree and being all mopey and 'depressed,' and the big, bad co-worker came along and tricked you into bed?

*That's *your story and you're sticking to it?

Freakin' pathetic.

*



I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant.

Click to expand...

*But....but.....I thought you were _"taken advantage of?" _🙄 🙄

So not only are you a cheater, but you can't even keep your lies straight, OP. How is your husband going to believe your bull-**** if you can't even get a stranger on a message board to believe it?

These are your two story choices: either the big, bad co-worker *took advantage* of the poor, poor 'depressed' victim, or you're a lying cheater who ADMITS you're a lying cheater.

Own your ****, at least.


----------



## ABHale

Kathlene said:


> I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.
> 
> This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.
> 
> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


Damn, still all about you.

It takes years for a betrayed spouse to “get over it”.

You might as well leave now
if this is what your attitude is going to be.


----------



## sokillme

I suspect OP was not expecting the level of backlash she got. Someone should PM her and tell her to post on SI's wayward forum.

OP if you are still reading this is what I was talking about in my post. You are going to find you have damaged yourself as badly as you have your husband. Universally the opinion of what you did and particularity your attitude will follow how it has been here. If your husband leaves you and you move on, you can choose to lie about what you did but then you will never truly have love in your life again. There is no love without truth because deep down we all know if you lie about who you are then the person doesn't really love you they love the mask that you choose to hide yourself under. 

This is the true curse and punishment of being an adulterer. Until you decide to really face your demons and become an honest person you can't and won't really be loved. 

Now you can choose to live off the rush of the newness and intensity of attraction. Age may get in the way of that.

You should really start to seek help. You must make yourself worthy of love again.


----------



## sokillme

Evinrude58 said:


> Well, here’s a textbook, classical example in technicolor, WHY a betrayed spouse should just kick his cheater to the curb and move on with his life.
> 
> There’s no fixing a person with an entitlement attitude. And, a man who has been punched in the gut in the worst way humanly possible, is unlikely to have the reaction needed in his weakest moment to handle his wife properly, which is to reclaim his power and force her to earn HIS feelings back, and not the other way around. It just doesn’t work.


I was thinking the same thing. This should be required reading for anyone who has ever been cheated on. I believe if you could look into the deepest parts of their soul 95% of all cheaters think this way especially early on. 

This right her is who you are choosing to R with, they are no prize. 

Almost all of them are just not worth it, unless they are willing to spend years to earn it.


----------



## Divinely Favored

JustTheWife said:


> If this is a genuine thread, I don't think you can assume it's "all about the BJs" and nothing else. People react in different ways and sometimes there's an emotional reaction and trigger over SYMBOLS. Women also get upset about symbols of betrayal and lost trust. Could be a simple and meaningless thing considering the bigger issues.
> 
> Would we say that he should leave her because all she cares about is her WH taking his AP out for ice cream or buying her a teddy bear. I think for men, things like BJs are more likely to be symbols of the betrayal than the symbols that may trigger emotional reactions from women. Just a thought.


I would see those acts as she was more turned on and wanted the POSOM more than her husband. The POSOM was superior in her mind and those sex acts she did for him that she would not do for her husband proves as much.


----------



## oldshirt

Thats


Divinely Favored said:


> I would see those acts as she was more turned on and wanted the POSOM more than her husband. The POSOM was superior in her mind and those sex acts she did for him that she would not do for her husband proves as much.


That’s a given.


----------



## LisaDiane

sokillme said:


> I was thinking the same thing. This should be required reading for anyone who has ever been cheated on. I believe if you could look into the deepest parts of their soul 95% of all cheaters think this way especially early on.
> 
> This right her is who you are choosing to R with, they are no prize.
> 
> Almost all of them are just not worth it, unless they are willing to spend years to earn it.


I just DO NOT understand cheating on someone you claim to love and then wanting (sometimes EXPECTING!) them to forgive you!!! I can understand finding someone else when you are in a painful, unhappy relationship and then LEAVING your partner that you don't want anymore -- I don't think that's "best", but I understand why it happens - it happened with my step-dad (who I love) and my mom, and I was happy he was able to break out of his dysfunctional marriage to my mom and find happiness (finally!).

But cheating on someone you say you love and then not wanting them to leave you makes NO sense to me, and I can't figure it out! I don't think there is any reason those people should get a "second-chance"...WHY??? They have shown their True Selves, what else do you need to know?? There are too many people out there to be happy with, or even too much fun you could have alone, to want to be saddled with a relationship that causes you pain EVERY DAY!!!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

sokillme said:


> I was thinking the same thing. This should be required reading for anyone who has ever been cheated on. I believe if you could look into the deepest parts of their soul 95% of all cheaters think this way especially early on.
> 
> This right her is who you are choosing to R with, they are no prize.
> 
> *Almost all of them are just not worth it, unless they are willing to spend years to earn it.*


They still aren't worth it!!! Lol!


----------



## sokillme

Divinely Favored said:


> I would see those acts as she was more turned on and wanted the POSOM more than her husband. The POSOM was superior in her mind and those sex acts she did for him that she would not do for her husband proves as much.


This may be true but it's probably for a messed up reason. I think it's very silly to judge your worth or attractiveness by someone who is as delusional as one who would cheat. 

Given her thinking for instance this man is punished because he has put up with her for long periods of time. Makes no sense. Why would you judge yourself by someone who's minds eye is like a carnival mirror.


----------



## Kathlene

I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!

If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone. Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out. 

Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


----------



## oldshirt

Do women actually use the term alpha??


----------



## frusdil

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I stopped reading your post after this happy horse-****. I don't even know what your story is and frankly, I don't care.
> 
> So to make sure I got this straight, you're a _*victim*_, is that it? You were minding your own business reading your Bible under a tree and being all mopey and 'depressed,' and the big, bad co-worker came along and tricked you into bed?
> 
> *That's *your story and you're sticking to it?
> 
> Freakin' pathetic.
> 
> 
> But....but.....I thought you were _"taken advantage of?" _🙄 🙄
> 
> So not only are you a cheater, but you can't even keep your lies straight, OP. How is your husband going to believe your bull-**** if you can't even get a stranger on a message board to believe it?
> 
> These are your two story choices: either the big, bad co-worker *took advantage* of the poor, poor 'depressed' victim, or you're a lying cheater who ADMITS you're a lying cheater.
> 
> Own your ****, at least.


NAILED IT!!!!!!


----------



## frusdil

Kathlene said:


> I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. *If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone.* Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. *That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.*
> 
> Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


Kathlene, do your husband a favour and leave him. Please. What a disgusting statement (the bolded). You don't deserve him. You should be on your knees every day, BEGGING HIM TO FORGIVE YOU.

If the red text is truly how you feel, just end your marriage. You don't really want to save it if that is really how you feel.


----------



## bobert

Kathlene said:


> I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it!
> I don't care about what I did sexually.
> If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone.
> I don't regret it [the affair].
> I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> I don't know if I can stay around that long [and do the necessary work to heal the destruction that _I _caused].


How about you show this list to your husband, and see how he feels?


----------



## oldshirt

Kathlene said:


> 1. I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it!
> 
> 2. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually
> 
> 3. I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> 4. If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night.
> 
> 5. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft.
> 
> 6. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone.
> 
> 7.Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect.
> 
> 8. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it.
> 
> 9. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> 
> 10. Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long.
> 
> 11.but I'll at least recommend counseling to him.
> 
> 12 At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


Let me run this through the Narcissistic Ho Translator for those of you that don't speak ho. 

1. "Let me explain myself better so you all understand how great I am so you will stop saying bad things about me." 

2. "The other guy was hot and made me cum. Why can't my husband just keep taking care of the house and kids while I'm out screwing other men and quit bugging me about it? 

3. "Did I mention he was hot and made me cum? Why can't everyone rejoice for me?" 

4. "I get on my knees for jerks, playa's, dudes with tans, spiked hair and tattoos, as well as any guy that tells me how great I am. .......oh and reminds me of my mom's boyfriend that used to babysit me when she worked the night shift at Denny's when I was 10." 

5. "He's so boring and has put on weight and is always too busy to give me constant praise and adoration now that he has to work to pay for our house and cars and food and take care of our kids while I am out screwing other dudes." 

6. "since I don't have a means to support myself and since I don't want to be stuck with the kids myself. My boyfriends don't like having my kids around." 

7. "no woman has any control over her impulses and has no sense of ethics or morality or honor for our relationships or marriages or commitments y'know, it ain't just me. I'm just more real. " 

8." did I mention he was hot and had tattoos and said I was real sexy? He even bought me a drink. He's real generous and can't get enough of me!" 

9. "I hate it when people try to hold me accountable for the things I do. "

10. "I don't want to be here if it's not going to fun and fulfilling for me all the time. "

11."If he can just change into someone that lets me do whatever I want without repercussions, it will all be great!" 

12."The counselor will surely see how great I am and will convince H that he should be grateful that I am with him at all and that he should work harder to make me happy and let me screw other guys without getting all butthurt about it. "


----------



## Mr. Nail

Kathlene said:


> I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!


When you stop being faithful to your affair partner, you can start healing the marriage. You are still wandering in the mist.


----------



## LisaDiane

Kathlene said:


> I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone. Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> 
> Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


This post makes me feel physically ill...

YOU ARE WRONG...can you GET that?? Also, I have NEVER EVER heard a woman say she would blow her husband every night on her knees if he was "more alpha and assertive"....NO woman I've ever talked to has used that way to describe anything sexual with a man...

You are GROSS


----------



## sokillme

Kathlene said:


> I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone. Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> 
> Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


Nope what matters is you made a vow. The vow wasn't as long as he made me feel a certain way. 

Please do him a favor and leave him. The way you are not is just cruel to him. 

If you are for real you should go speak to a physiologist, you sound very broken like a sociopath or something. I was trying to think of a nice way to say that but I guess there isn't one. Let's just say your understanding of what is acceptable behavior in the context of the kind of pain your actions cause other people is distorted.

Anyone with even a juvenile understanding would feel shame to write what you have here.

Let me be blunt. If you husband grows even one vertebra of a spine and he will leave you like a building on fire.

I know there are people like you out in the world but usually they are "brite" enough to hide it. I don't think this is a good post though to illustrate the point of the mindset that goes into cheating

By all means send your husband here.


----------



## LisaDiane

oldshirt said:


> That's why I think it is actually a dude.
> 
> The question is whether it's some teenager jerking with us or guy that has actually had this happen and is trying to get some kind of warped input by posing as a WW.


You must be right...!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

sokillme said:


> Nope what matters is you made a vow. The vow wasn't as long as he made me feel a certain way.
> 
> Please do him a favor and leave him. The way you are not is just cruel to him.
> 
> If you are for real you should go speak to a physiologist, you sound very broken like a sociopath or something. I was trying to think of a nice way to say that but I guess there isn't one. Let's just say your understanding of what is acceptable behavior in the context of the kind of pain your actions cause other people is distorted.
> 
> Anyone with even a juvenile understanding would feel shame to write what you have here.
> 
> Let me be blunt. If you husband grows even one vertebra of a spine and he will leave you like a building on fire.


You used another word to describe people in one of your posts to me a few days ago that I believe fits VERY appropriately here...if you remember...


----------



## sokillme

LisaDiane said:


> You used another word to describe people in one of your posts to me a few days ago that I believe fits VERY appropriately here...if you remember...


Will it be censored?

What's interesting is there is another post in SI's wayward section right now that could be read as a companion post to this one. I have little doubt that one is real, still this one feels more honest.


----------



## LisaDiane

sokillme said:


> Will it be censored?
> 
> What's interesting is there is another post in SI's wayward section right now that could be read as a companion post to this one. I have little doubt that one is real, still this one feels more honest.


It wasn't censored when you posted it the first time...!! You said that's why it was good you weren't a counselor because of what your advice would be to everyone (although I happen to agree with it)...Lol!

I don't know HOW you can read that board...I have to get away from people like this after I read such toxic attitudes!!!
But your posts are always very valuable for people struggling, so I guess it's good that you have a strong constitution for it!


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Yup total fake, dont waste time guys.... Someone block or lock this one 

Sent from my SM-G988U using Tapatalk


----------



## VladDracul

oldshirt said:


> Do women actually use the term alpha??


Do you think the author of this story is a woman? When I read it, that didn't cross my mind.


----------



## oldshirt

VladDracul said:


> Do you think the author of this story is a woman? When I read it, that didn't cross my mind.


No, i think it is a guy. 

But I’m not sure if it’s some teenager jerking us around or some simp that got played by a ho that’s stumbled across some red pill articles and is posing as a WW for some weird reason.


----------



## VladDracul

Kathlene said:


> My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!


Kath, I think your husband may be gay, hence the reason he's not an alpha. Does he want to hear repeated stories about you blowing the guy and the size of the guys wick? Maybe youre mistaken his desire to be a female enjoying fantisizing about your lover with him nagging. He may just want to hear about it. I think you ought to give your old man the full monty about your sessions. Maybe you could set it up where both of you could enjoy servicing a guy.


----------



## frusdil

LisaDiane said:


> It wasn't censored when you posted it the first time...!! You said that's why it was good you weren't a counselor because of what your advice would be to everyone (although I happen to agree with it)...Lol!
> 
> I don't know HOW you can read that board...I have to get away from people like this after I read such toxic attitudes!!!
> But your posts are always very valuable for people struggling, so I guess it's good that you have a strong constitution for it!


What is SI?


----------



## jlg07

frusdil said:


> What is SI?


Surviving Infidelity, another board.


----------



## Evinrude58

Kathlene said:


> I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone. Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> 
> Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


you write a good, provocative, betrayed spouse triggering load of poo. Even though it’s clear you’re using a deep diving crankbait, it’s still good entertainment. Probably very descriptive of what real cheaters really think, lol.


----------



## sokillme

LisaDiane said:


> It wasn't censored when you posted it the first time...!! You said that's why it was good you weren't a counselor because of what your advice would be to everyone (although I happen to agree with it)...Lol!
> 
> I don't know HOW you can read that board...I have to get away from people like this after I read such toxic attitudes!!!
> But your posts are always very valuable for people struggling, so I guess it's good that you have a strong constitution for it!


Part of why you liked my one post on that other thread is because of all the reading of have done on both boards. I believe you can read through the lines in all the stories and get a sense of human nature. It goes to figure when all the stories are very much the same. 

The other thing is I believe it's in the genes like alcoholism and my father was a cheater so part of why I read is to keep myself in check. The scary part about leaning human nature is that once you figure it out it's very easy to see how these people use it to their advantage. Particularly if you are an emotionally intelligent man. Unfortunately our modern society has spent the better part of a century making men like that scares. This give these guys a very big advantage, it also helps to keep a lot of women's defenses down. That is not an excuse as I believe for everyone there is a point where you know you are crossing the line. 

If you are a women who has spent half a decade marred to a man who has ignored you emotionally (because he has never been taught that was part of his job, as the general thought is he is not capable), and some very attuned player figures out all your disappointments and takes it upon himself to provide there - look out. That is exactly what these guys do. Which is why I continue to tell men part of your job is to be an emotional provider. Ignore your wife's emotional needs at your own risk. Same goes with men and sex, but there is a trope about guys in sexless marriages cheating, that is pretty much what did you expect. Emotional intimacy works the same way. Again I don't agree with the trope, but I do think divorce when your partner abandons you in any form of intimacy is an acceptable choice and a much better one then cheating.

After reading on these sites for a long time I have come to realize that part of why I did this was to get my thoughts together about being cheated on. Not that I was in pain anymore but I think i felt vulnerable. Not in the sense that I wouldn't survive if it happened again. I have no fear of that, I know I would be fine, it was more about how I missed the signs, particularly in the beginning. Seeing that there is a pattern helped with that. 

What happened is in the process I saw so many people (particularly men) stuck that I just couldn't leave, I feel compelled to try to help them. It's like the Station Nightclub fire or something.


----------



## Onward7913

Kathlene said:


> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


Hey Kathy.

You sound a lot like my WW. 

Bur first - Why did your husband stop going down on you? Have you discussed it?
Sounds like you and your H can both do without oral, but you'll provide when motivated. 
Just curious, did your AP go downtown? 
Have you discussed the dom/sub thing with your H? How does he feel about it?
Have you experienced this before, or something new? Might need to suss it out and figure out if it's truly something you need in your life, if it's something your H is capable of providing, or if it's an artifact of your conflicted feelings and not really something you want or need in a healthy relationship. 

As others have noted, it sounds like you're conflating your motives to cheat with your guilt for cheating with your raging selfish worldview - and you cannot see your H clearly (before or after your affair).

Do you have a history of depression or was this something new? Any effort to address with your H or an IC?

Sounds like you have some work to do on you. Most WWs do. Focus on what you can control: you.

In the meantime, if you truly want to save your marriage (doesn't sound like it), you need to prove it to your H - not the other way around. Since the BJs appear to be the centerpiece of this post (and a significant concern for him), you might consider how to reintegrate oral (et al) with the sexual repertoire you share with your H.


----------



## TJW

Evinrude58 said:


> Probably very descriptive of what real cheaters really think.


It is definitely what real cheaters think. 



Onward7913 said:


> you might consider how to reintegrate oral (et al) with the sexual repertoire you share with your H


Now I am going to describe how real cheated-upon husbands think......

I don't care if you buy a bloody Listerine factory and use your product 18 times a day. Get the ****ing hell OFF of me, make your own living, support your own kids. Your mouth will never touch my flesh again.


----------



## LisaDiane

TJW said:


> Now I am going to describe how real cheated-upon husbands think......
> 
> I don't care if you buy a bloody Listerine factory and use your product 18 times a day. Get the ****ing hell OFF of me, make your own living, support your own kids. Your mouth will never touch my flesh again.


That's GREAT!!! I think they SHOULD say that, as well as cheated-upon wives!!
My attitude would be - Oh, so you don't want ME anymore? NO PROBLEM, let me get out of your way and find someone who does!

I'd drop him like a safe!! Lol!


----------



## Kathlene

Onward7913 said:


> Hey Kathy.
> 
> You sound a lot like my WW.
> 
> Bur first - Why did your husband stop going down on you? Have you discussed it?
> Sounds like you and your H can both do without oral, but you'll provide when motivated.
> Just curious, did your AP go downtown?
> Have you discussed the dom/sub thing with your H? How does he feel about it?
> Have you experienced this before, or something new? Might need to suss it out and figure out if it's truly something you need in your life, if it's something your H is capable of providing, or if it's an artifact of your conflicted feelings and not really something you want or need in a healthy relationship.
> 
> As others have noted, it sounds like you're conflating your motives to cheat with your guilt for cheating with your raging selfish worldview - and you cannot see your H clearly (before or after your affair).
> 
> Do you have a history of depression or was this something new? Any effort to address with your H or an IC?
> 
> Sounds like you have some work to do on you. Most WWs do. Focus on what you can control: you.
> 
> In the meantime, if you truly want to save your marriage (doesn't sound like it), you need to prove it to your H - not the other way around. Since the BJs appear to be the centerpiece of this post (and a significant concern for him), you might consider how to reintegrate oral (et al) with the sexual repertoire you share with your H.


I thought I laid it out pretty straight forward but I'll answer you. Me and my husband were very adventurous early in the marriage. Slowly over time, he became more and more disinterested in sex. 

I've had 2 kids and my weight is down to what it was before our first child. I get approached by men all in different age ranges so I know I still got it. My husband has always been a good provider in the past so I never considered cheating or leaving him. It's just the sex stalled and he made the transition from being the sexy dominant man to Mr. Mom. It's hard to explain but he's became feminine. 

As far as the BJs. He stopped going down on me years ago so I stopped. He tried to push for BJs in the past but I'd always shut him down. Eventually, he stopped asking. As I write all this out, I realize that it might not work after all. I like to have a strong dominant alpha man to come tell me what to do and have his way with me. My husband used to dominate me and would just put it in me without even asking. He just changed over time and I don't know if I can look at him differently. The issue of BJs is meaningless to me. I had no emotional connection with the other man. I still love my husband. He's still a good father and he provides a good life for me and my kids. 

I apologize if I offended anyone here by saying he needs to man up. What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it. If I was getting everything I needed at home, there would be no reason for me to step outside the marriage. The fact that he prefers to dwell on BJs rather than how he can make me happy further proves where his priorities are.


----------



## Andy1001

This is a pile of crap 💩


----------



## oldtruck

Kathlene said:


> I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone. Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> 
> Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


 because you feel good having that sex with your OM does not mean
that your BH must feel good about you having sex with the OM.


----------



## TJW

Kathlene said:


> The fact that he prefers to dwell on BJs rather than how he can make me happy further proves where his priorities are.





Kathlene said:


> He tried to push for BJs in the past but I'd always shut him down. Eventually, he stopped asking


Don't you understand? Don't you get it, how your husband's response is to the point of his injury ? You refused him, but gave to another man. This is why. This is why BJ's are meaningless to you, but to your husband, they mean EVERYTHING. They point to the fact that you prefer this other man over your husband.



Kathlene said:


> I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it.


I have to admit, you saying he "needs to man up" is 100% offensive, in the light of what you have just done to him (and, if you seriously look at yourself, you will indeed recognize that you have also done to him long-term).

The very fact that he is even still living with you and making any attempt to repair your marriage proves to me that he is already 100% MAN.



Kathlene said:


> He's still a good father and he provides a good life for me and my kids.


That, by God (and yes, I do mean by God's very word itself) is 100% MAN. Your assertion that some kind of sexual prowess defines "man" is an absurdity..... your husband is more of a MAN in his little finger than the sleazy bastard who used you to get his rocks off in your mouth will ever be in his entire body.

And, that he became "Mr. Mom" ? That shows exactly where his priorities are. They are upon YOUR home, YOUR children, YOUR family. A persons priorities are always (ALWAYS) revealed in their actions. Guess where your priorities are..... they damned well are NOT upon your home, your children, or your husband, or your family. You just have an itchy puss and your priority became getting it scratched.

You essentially said "to hell with my husband, to hell with my children, to hell with my family...." you had no consideration for what your selfish actions would bring about in your husband, your children, your family.....having an "alpha" is more important to you than any of them.

However, that you "chose to give him another chance", shows that you are delusional. You commit adultery, but he "gets another chance"? Sorry, that just doesn't compute, by any moral standard known in the world. Except yours. You seriously need to have a "come to Jesus" moment about your life attitudes.


----------



## ABHale

Kathlene said:


> I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone. Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> 
> Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


O F**K!!

Get over yourself. Are actually reading what you have said? There are some words that describe you completely, we are not allowed to use them on here.

I hope your husband divorces you and finds someone 10 yrs your junior that treats him as a king.


----------



## ABHale

Kathlene said:


> I thought I laid it out pretty straight forward but I'll answer you. Me and my husband were very adventurous early in the marriage. Slowly over time, he became more and more disinterested in sex.
> 
> I've had 2 kids and my weight is down to what it was before our first child. I get approached by men all in different age ranges so I know I still got it. My husband has always been a good provider in the past so I never considered cheating or leaving him. It's just the sex stalled and he made the transition from being the sexy dominant man to Mr. Mom. It's hard to explain but he's became feminine.
> 
> As far as the BJs. He stopped going down on me years ago so I stopped. He tried to push for BJs in the past but I'd always shut him down. Eventually, he stopped asking. As I write all this out, I realize that it might not work after all. I like to have a strong dominant alpha man to come tell me what to do and have his way with me. My husband used to dominate me and would just put it in me without even asking. He just changed over time and I don't know if I can look at him differently. The issue of BJs is meaningless to me. I had no emotional connection with the other man. I still love my husband. He's still a good father and he provides a good life for me and my kids.
> 
> I apologize if I offended anyone here by saying he needs to man up. What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it. If I was getting everything I needed at home, there would be no reason for me to step outside the marriage. The fact that he prefers to dwell on BJs rather than how he can make me happy further proves where his priorities are.


So you really want your husband to rape you.

You want to be forced.

Most men would never do this to a woman. Husbands have been jailed for doing this. Your just sick in the head if this is what you NEED.


----------



## ABHale

Kathlene said:


> I apologize if I offended anyone here by saying he needs to man up. What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it. If I was getting everything I needed at home, there would be no reason for me to step outside the marriage. The fact that he prefers to dwell on BJs rather than how he can make me happy further proves where his priorities are.


Your view on this is so ****ed up.

Do your husband a favor and just leave already.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

OP, think about the testament you are giving yourself.

You are seeing way to much of what you want to see and not what is happening around you with your actions, especially now which is all you can control.

He needs to stand up and fight for you if he really wants you? 

Mirror-up and take a hard look at that statement... why not change that to "I need to stand up and fight for him if I really want him".

What does that look like to you?

You initially attribute this to sex... it is so much more than that.

Lao Tzu said "The soul has no secret that behavior does not reveal" and this includes the destructive path of the fallout from how we allow a confusion of deserved desire cloud our thinking.

When we think we deserve something, we often do get what we deserve... cause and effect are driven by this.

Until you stem your own suffering, those around you will suffer with you until they learn that they can only be a victim of your suffering once, after that it is all voluntary.

If you cannot end you suffering, your husband may end his involvement in it... both of you need to love yourselves more.

If your husband finds his first, you may find yourself more alone than you already are.


----------



## ABHale

One last thing and I will not post on your thread again.

Your title is a lie, you have no desire to find a way to help your husband. All you want is for him to get over it with you not doing any work.


----------



## moco82

oldshirt said:


> Or it could be some 15 year old in his mom's basement screwing with us.


Someone with the maturity of a 15-year-old screwing with us.


----------



## jlg07

Kathlene said:


> What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it.


SO, sorry but NO. WHY would he want someone who blatantly disrespected him, did sex acts with another that she would NOT do with him, and has absolutely no remorse? Sorry to say this, but you are a POOR choice to try to reconcile with. You have exactly the wrong, entitled attitude that makes sure no reconciliation is possible.
Get divorced, don't screw him over in the negotiations, and then you can go find all the "alphas" you want to treat you like you want. I would NOT expect any of them that would treat you like that will be any sort of good father or provide a good life for you, but it seems that this is what you need right now.
DON'T torment the poor guy any longer. Just take the blame and let him go.


----------



## Evinrude58

OP, If this is real, I find your candor very interesting. Since I don’t know you and don’t really have a dog in the fight, it is interesting to witness how you think.
I hope you keep posting. This thread could become a MUST-READ for any betrayed spouse.

so etching you should mention is how you informed your husband about your bedroom desires. Honestly, my own cheating ex once told me that she loved it when we came in from a date one time and I bent her over the bed and had my way with her. At the time, I felt kinda guilty because I thought that behavior of mine was really selfish. And I later saw in her tweets (which was 100% legit (that’s how I learned of her cheating, by finding her anon twitter account), that she loved that. Perhaps you arent a total fisher person and are legitimately telling your thoughts. If so, please proceed.

I do feel terrible for your husband, and find it strange that what a man would perceive is becoming a better husband is seen as terrible to the wife. I actually feel I was a bad husband early in my first marriage, and my ex couldn’t get enough. When I started Getting older and trying to be more like what she said she wanted, she started cheating. Weird.
Tell us more. Ignore the harsh words. Just tell it like it is like you are doing.

there is a lot we can learn from you.


----------



## Impulse

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I stopped reading your post after this happy horse-****. I don't even know what your story is and frankly, I don't care.
> 
> So to make sure I got this straight, you're a _*victim*_, is that it? You were minding your own business reading your Bible under a tree and being all mopey and 'depressed,' and the big, bad co-worker came along and tricked you into bed?
> 
> *That's *your story and you're sticking to it?
> 
> Freakin' pathetic.
> 
> 
> But....but.....I thought you were _"taken advantage of?" _
> 
> So not only are you a cheater, but you can't even keep your lies straight, OP. How is your husband going to believe your bull-**** if you can't even get a stranger on a message board to believe it?
> 
> These are your two story choices: either the big, bad co-worker *took advantage* of the poor, poor 'depressed' victim, or you're a lying cheater who ADMITS you're a lying cheater.
> 
> Own your ****, at least.


The temperament! 
Are you for hire? I need to give someone an earful! I was going to hire DiCaprio first but after I read your posts, I am having second thoughts!


----------



## Livvie

Wow, you actually said YOU are giving your husband a second chance and he should appreciate that. 

For your husband's sake, I hope it doesn't work out. He should be with someone who isn't you.


----------



## sokillme

Kathlene said:


> I thought I laid it out pretty straight forward but I'll answer you. Me and my husband were very adventurous early in the marriage. Slowly over time, he became more and more disinterested in sex.
> 
> I've had 2 kids and my weight is down to what it was before our first child. I get approached by men all in different age ranges so I know I still got it. My husband has always been a good provider in the past so I never considered cheating or leaving him. It's just the sex stalled and he made the transition from being the sexy dominant man to Mr. Mom. It's hard to explain but he's became feminine.
> 
> As far as the BJs. He stopped going down on me years ago so I stopped. He tried to push for BJs in the past but I'd always shut him down. Eventually, he stopped asking. As I write all this out, I realize that it might not work after all. I like to have a strong dominant alpha man to come tell me what to do and have his way with me. My husband used to dominate me and would just put it in me without even asking. He just changed over time and I don't know if I can look at him differently. The issue of BJs is meaningless to me. I had no emotional connection with the other man. I still love my husband. He's still a good father and he provides a good life for me and my kids.
> 
> I apologize if I offended anyone here by saying he needs to man up. What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it. If I was getting everything I needed at home, there would be no reason for me to step outside the marriage. The fact that he prefers to dwell on BJs rather than how he can make me happy further proves where his priorities are.


He needs to leave you. Really.

I feel you have no redeeming qualities as a wife.


----------



## OddOne

Kathlene said:


> I still love my husband.


Lie.



Kathlene said:


> He stopped going down on me years ago so I stopped.


Well, if I were your BH, I'd rather French kiss a homeless guy with COVID-19 than go near any part of you.


----------



## michzz

oldshirt said:


> Let me run this through the Narcissistic Ho Translator for those of you that don't speak ho.
> 
> 1. "Let me explain myself better so you all understand how great I am so you will stop saying bad things about me."
> 
> 2. "The other guy was hot and made me cum. Why can't my husband just keep taking care of the house and kids while I'm out screwing other men and quit bugging me about it?
> 
> 3. "Did I mention he was hot and made me cum? Why can't everyone rejoice for me?"
> 
> 4. "I get on my knees for jerks, playa's, dudes with tans, spiked hair and tattoos, as well as any guy that tells me how great I am. .......oh and reminds me of my mom's boyfriend that used to babysit me when she worked the night shift at Denny's when I was 10."
> 
> 5. "He's so boring and has put on weight and is always too busy to give me constant praise and adoration now that he has to work to pay for our house and cars and food and take care of our kids while I am out screwing other dudes."
> 
> 6. "since I don't have a means to support myself and since I don't want to be stuck with the kids myself. My boyfriends don't like having my kids around."
> 
> 7. "no woman has any control over her impulses and has no sense of ethics or morality or honor for our relationships or marriages or commitments y'know, it ain't just me. I'm just more real. "
> 
> 8." did I mention he was hot and had tattoos and said I was real sexy? He even bought me a drink. He's real generous and can't get enough of me!"
> 
> 9. "I hate it when people try to hold me accountable for the things I do. "
> 
> 10. "I don't want to be here if it's not going to fun and fulfilling for me all the time. "
> 
> 11."If he can just change into someone that lets me do whatever I want without repercussions, it will all be great!"
> 
> 12."The counselor will surely see how great I am and will convince H that he should be grateful that I am with him at all and that he should work harder to make me happy and let me screw other guys without getting all butthurt about it. "


Spot on!


----------



## Onward7913

Kathlene said:


> I thought I laid it out pretty straight forward but I'll answer you. Me and my husband were very adventurous early in the marriage. Slowly over time, he became more and more disinterested in sex.
> 
> I've had 2 kids and my weight is down to what it was before our first child. I get approached by men all in different age ranges so I know I still got it. My husband has always been a good provider in the past so I never considered cheating or leaving him. It's just the sex stalled and he made the transition from being the sexy dominant man to Mr. Mom. It's hard to explain but he's became feminine.
> 
> As far as the BJs. He stopped going down on me years ago so I stopped. He tried to push for BJs in the past but I'd always shut him down. Eventually, he stopped asking. As I write all this out, I realize that it might not work after all. I like to have a strong dominant alpha man to come tell me what to do and have his way with me. My husband used to dominate me and would just put it in me without even asking. He just changed over time and I don't know if I can look at him differently. The issue of BJs is meaningless to me. I had no emotional connection with the other man. I still love my husband. He's still a good father and he provides a good life for me and my kids.
> 
> I apologize if I offended anyone here by saying he needs to man up. What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it. If I was getting everything I needed at home, there would be no reason for me to step outside the marriage. The fact that he prefers to dwell on BJs rather than how he can make me happy further proves where his priorities are.


You didn't really answer the questions. 
Why did he become disinterested? Have you discussed it with him, y/n? 
What does "feminine" mean (to you)?
Is sex a reciprocal thing for you? He stopped oral, so you stopped? Did you discuss it with him, y/n? 

About the "man up" thing - I agree with what some others have said - you should have exhausted every possible avenue to repair your relationship before going outside. That weakness is on you. Now that the affair is out there, you've communicated that you're ready to leave - in fact, you've already left. It's passed the point of him meeting your needs or not - the first questions are: can you meet his needs? What are his needs? Presumably trust, which you've X'd out. He's not going to be able to see beyond the oral stuff for a few weeks or months, so if you really want him back you need to fight for it, and prove you can potentially be trusted - and communicate your needs in a productive and positive way - not the other way around. 

If you like being dominated / playing a submissive role, I'd think you'd be begging him to return to what you had in the early days of your relationship and show him what you want and how it made / makes you feel. He might not be ready for it. 

Don't for a minute consider that his staying with your broken self is weakness. The easiest thing to do is to leave a liar. It sounds like he's fighting for something. Truth? Reconciliation? Something else? You need to swallow (ahem) your guilt and see what happens. 

Good luck.


----------



## Kathlene

jlg07 said:


> SO, sorry but NO. WHY would he want someone who blatantly disrespected him, did sex acts with another that she would NOT do with him, and has absolutely no remorse? Sorry to say this, but you are a POOR choice to try to reconcile with. You have exactly the wrong, entitled attitude that makes sure no reconciliation is possible.
> Get divorced, don't screw him over in the negotiations, and then you can go find all the "alphas" you want to treat you like you want. I would NOT expect any of them that would treat you like that will be any sort of good father or provide a good life for you, but it seems that this is what you need right now.
> DON'T torment the poor guy any longer. Just take the blame and let him go.


First of all, I am remorseful. Just the fact that I’m here trying to fight for my marriage proves that I care about him. If I wanted to, I could be gone tomorrow and leave him in my rear view. I don’t know what else I could say to prove that I’m sorry but I am! Yes, I know what I did was wrong but I’m not going to dance around the fact that it would not have happened if he was the man I needed. It’s as simple as that.

I have my reasons for cheating. I gave my reasons for giving him the sexual acts that my husband didn’t get. Maybe I’m too blunt but it’s the truth. He has every right to leave but deep down, he knows it’s in his best interest to be with me. If we were to divorce, he wouldn’t survive simply due to child support and alimony. And I know it’s subjective but I would feel like he would never find another woman as attractive as me. On the flip side, he’s a great father and provider for us. I know another man couldn’t fill his shoes. So I do care about him and our well being. Maybe I’m not conveying how I feel correctly but I do love and need him. That’s why I want him to get help to get over this.


----------



## Kathlene

Livvie said:


> Wow, you actually said YOU are giving your husband a second chance and he should appreciate that.
> 
> For your husband's sake, I hope it doesn't work out. He should be with someone who isn't you.


You misunderstood me. When he caught me, I wanted to leave. He was the one that said he wanted a second chance. He was the one that convinced me that he could change. So he asked for the second chance and he got it. I could have walked away but you guys are dragging me for trying to get through this with him.


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## Prodigal

From where I'm sitting, I keep hearing you say that you need him. But it seems that the main need he fulfills is financial. If that's how you feel, so be it. The thing is, you are saying you wouldn't have cheated if your husband had manned up. I fail to see how you can rationalize it as if you were compelled to cheat through no fault of your own. You certainly had choices. You could have chose to divorce him, then gone out and had sex with whomever.

I'm not sensing, for the most part, that this is about you staying because you really love your husband. Sounds like you live a comfortable lifestyle in large part due to him providing it. JMO.


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## Diana7

Kathlene said:


> You misunderstood me. When he caught me, I wanted to leave. He was the one that said he wanted a second chance. He was the one that convinced me that he could change. So he asked for the second chance and he got it. I could have walked away but you guys are dragging me for trying to get through this with him.


So you cheated lied and deceived him and HE is the one who thinks he needs to change??? Wow. Its YOU who needs to change not him.Your attitude all though this thread is appalling. Completely selfish, self centered, unfaithful, a liar, unrepentant and uncaring. Whether you are good looking or not is irrelevant,(and we are always getting people here claiming they are, I suspect that often its in their head), he could do so much better with a wife who loves and accepts him as he is and doesn't lie and deceive him. I hope he sees the light.


----------



## Diana7

Kathlene said:


> I thought I laid it out pretty straight forward but I'll answer you. Me and my husband were very adventurous early in the marriage. Slowly over time, he became more and more disinterested in sex.
> 
> I've had 2 kids and my weight is down to what it was before our first child. I get approached by men all in different age ranges so I know I still got it. My husband has always been a good provider in the past so I never considered cheating or leaving him. It's just the sex stalled and he made the transition from being the sexy dominant man to Mr. Mom. It's hard to explain but he's became feminine.
> 
> As far as the BJs. He stopped going down on me years ago so I stopped. He tried to push for BJs in the past but I'd always shut him down. Eventually, he stopped asking. As I write all this out, I realize that it might not work after all. I like to have a strong dominant alpha man to come tell me what to do and have his way with me. My husband used to dominate me and would just put it in me without even asking. He just changed over time and I don't know if I can look at him differently. The issue of BJs is meaningless to me. I had no emotional connection with the other man. I still love my husband. He's still a good father and he provides a good life for me and my kids.
> 
> I apologize if I offended anyone here by saying he needs to man up. What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it. If I was getting everything I needed at home, there would be no reason for me to step outside the marriage. The fact that he prefers to dwell on BJs rather than how he can make me happy further proves where his priorities are.


So YOU chose to give HIM another chance? I think you have forgottton that YOU are the liar, the deceiver, the cheater here, NOT him. He has done nothing wrong. Its down to your lack of moral values and lack of integrity that you cheated, not anything he did.


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## bobert

Oh come on. You can't even keep up with the same lies. 



Kathlene said:


> First of all, I am remorseful.





Kathlene said:


> I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.


----------



## bobert

Kathlene said:


> I’m here trying to fight for my marriage


So what have you actually done, besides *****ing and moaning? You've been given advice, how much of it have you taken? You're all talk and no actions. There's a reason for that... and we all know what it is.


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## Blondilocks




----------



## jlg07

Kathlene said:


> First of all, I am remorseful. Just the fact that I’m here trying to fight for my marriage proves that I care about him. If I wanted to, I could be gone tomorrow and leave him in my rear view. I don’t know what else I could say to prove that I’m sorry but I am! Yes, I know what I did was wrong but I’m not going to dance around the fact that it would not have happened if he was the man I needed. It’s as simple as that.
> 
> I have my reasons for cheating. I gave my reasons for giving him the sexual acts that my husband didn’t get. Maybe I’m too blunt but it’s the truth. He has every right to leave but deep down, he knows it’s in his best interest to be with me. If we were to divorce, he wouldn’t survive simply due to child support and alimony. And I know it’s subjective but I would feel like he would never find another woman as attractive as me. On the flip side, he’s a great father and provider for us. I know another man couldn’t fill his shoes. So I do care about him and our well being. Maybe I’m not conveying how I feel correctly but I do love and need him. That’s why I want him to get help to get over this.


So to ME, remorseful isn't "HE better man up or I'm leaving". If you were remorseful YOU would be doing EVERYTHING you could to try to reconcile (I'm sure others here can provide the list).
I do understand your reasons as you stated them, but you should have done the RIGHT thing and divorced him BEFORE you cheated. You should have talked with him about your desires to be submissive and for him to just "take" you. If you DID do this and he did nothing, then I'm sorry as I didn't see that. You have damaged him, your family, your friends, etc. with all of this.
As for finding someone as attractive as you, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I bet he'd find someone who is beautiful and loyal on the INSIDE not just the outside.
So, maybe you give HIM custody of the kids and YOU pay child support? Maybe YOU forgo alimony so that he isn't broke.

YOU both need to go to individual counseling, YOU to find out how you could betray him. HIM to come to terms with his feelings about all of this. Once that has progressed, then maybe it would be time for Marriage counseling (but not right now).

You question why he is badgering you about the oral sex. It has been said that WOMEN find the emotional betrayal worse and men find the PHYSICAL betrayal worse. Especially to find out that you did all this stuff with some other man while he was at home with the kids -- what do you think that did to HIS sense of masculinity? You are NOT looking at any of this from HIS point of view and what HE is going through and the things YOU should be doing to help him through this. If you love him, you should look into these things and not "he needs to man up and fight for ME". No, you should have woman'd up and fought for your marriage BEFORE all this happened.


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## QuietRiot

I for one am so grateful to the OP for giving me a powerful reminder of how cheaters think. She was just ballsy enough to put it out there.
Sometimes I almost convince myself that the cheater has real remorse and understanding of the pain they cause. This is a nice b!tch slap to knock those fallacies from my brain.


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## ABHale

Kathlene said:


> First of all, I am remorseful. Just the fact that I’m here trying to fight for my marriage proves that I care about him. If I wanted to, I could be gone tomorrow and leave him in my rear view. I don’t know what else I could say to prove that I’m sorry but I am! Yes, I know what I did was wrong but I’m not going to dance around the fact that it would not have happened if he was the man I needed. It’s as simple as that.
> 
> I have my reasons for cheating. I gave my reasons for giving him the sexual acts that my husband didn’t get. Maybe I’m too blunt but it’s the truth. He has every right to leave but deep down, he knows it’s in his best interest to be with me. If we were to divorce, he wouldn’t survive simply due to child support and alimony. And I know it’s subjective but I would feel like he would never find another woman as attractive as me. On the flip side, he’s a great father and provider for us. I know another man couldn’t fill his shoes. So I do care about him and our well being. Maybe I’m not conveying how I feel correctly but I do love and need him. That’s why I want him to get help to get over this.


So I lied like you are.

So your nothing but a gold digger that is blaming your husband for your actions.
To punish him, you would ruin him financially if he leaves.

What a piece of work you are. I hope karma intervenes and removes you from his life.


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## oldshirt

Everyone pay attention to Kathlene's posts. 

This is how many WW's actually feel, think and believe. (even if it's actually fake) 

Those of you that complain that many of us are too quick to tell BH's to cut off the WW and file ASAP - this is why. This is what many if not most BH's are up against. 

There's nothing to work with here. The delusional narcissism and self entitlement run too deep and they can't see past their own ego. 

They think that because all these playa's and f*kboys will tell them how cute they are and will take them to Pound Town that they will have their pick of any guy who will take them in and raise their children etc etc. 

It's not until they've living on Ramen Noodles in a little apartment and just getting pumped and dumped by guy after guy for a few years that they realize what they really burned down.


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## Kathlene

ABHale said:


> So I lied like you are.
> 
> So your nothing but a gold digger that is blaming your husband for your actions.
> To punish him, you would ruin him financially if he leaves.
> 
> What a piece of work you are. I hope karma intervenes and removes you from his life.


I'm no gold digger but you can call it whatever you like. The point I was making was that whichever way this goes, I win in the end. It's just the way the world works. I'm not sure how this relates to me trying to repair my marriage but I figured I could at least correct you on that.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator Warning:- **The next person who ignores the rule that you do not call someone out as a troll on the forum will be banned.*
*
Got a problem with a fellow member or their posts? Use the report function.*


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## MattMatt

@Kathlene you asked a question "How can I help my husband get over my cheating?"

Remember these points:-

1) Grow spiritually and intellectually.

2) Acknowledge that you have wronged your husband by cheating on him and also acknowledge that you have wronged your children by cheating on their father.

3) Seek individual and marital counselling.

4) Develop some humility. You are hot, hot, hot! You can leave your husband in the dust and find another, better man with a snap of your fingers.

5) Beauty lasts for a relatively brief period of time. The consequences of bad decisions and poor judgement will last far longer.

You seem to believe that you are a very special woman. Yeah. Really? So special that you allowed a sleazy hustler to coerce and cajole you into doing sexual stuff that he couldn't get from his own wife or real girlfriend. And what happened to superstud when your "wimp" of a husband found out? Superstud ran away, leaving you to face the situation by yourself. Yeah. He's a real man's man, your run away lover.









I think you are deluding yourself about many things that have happened, are happening and might happen.

I think that part of your delusional thinking might be related to your mental health issues that you referred to. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, that's an option I would recommend.


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## Evinrude58

Kathlene said:


> I'm no gold digger but you can call it whatever you like. The point I was making was that whichever way this goes, I win in the end. It's just the way the world works. I'm not sure how this relates to me trying to repair my marriage but I figured I could at least correct you on that.


If you are particularly attractive as you say, there will always be men for you.
But as said, it will be very difficult to find one that loves you like your husband did.
You should divorce. Your cheating has put him in in a bind and made him weak from worrying about losing his family. You’ll never see him as a wife should see her husband again. 
Do you even realize that you have hurt the man you swore to love, and the father of your kids, in the worst way you possibly could have? If you’d have given him a choice, he’d have rather been shot and killed than have to live with what you’ve done. It really seems you are totally lacking in empathy. 
I will bet you are an absolute knockout physically. Seems a lot of people have a bunch of one thing and a little of another.

let’s be realistic. What could your husband do that would make you see him like you once did?


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## LisaDiane

sokillme said:


> He needs to leave you. Really.
> 
> I feel you have no redeeming qualities as a wife.


Or as a human being.


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## LisaDiane

Kathlene said:


> I'm no gold digger but you can call it whatever you like. The point I was making was that whichever way this goes, I win in the end. It's just the way the world works. I'm not sure how this relates to me trying to repair my marriage but I figured I could at least correct you on that.


You might look good on the outside (for NOW...), but you are as hideous as the Picture of Dorian Gray on the inside.

You WILL get the life you deserve.


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## bobert

Kathlene said:


> I'm no gold digger


Okay, then divorce your husband and opt out of alimony. If you can opt out child support with 50/50 custody, then do that to. If you refuse to do that, guess what you are?


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## sokillme

Kathlene said:


> I'm no gold digger but you can call it whatever you like. The point I was making was that whichever way this goes, I win in the end. It's just the way the world works. I'm not sure how this relates to me trying to repair my marriage but I figured I could at least correct you on that.


I'm not sure what you think you are winning. 

That fact that you think it is a contest means you already lost.


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## ABHale

Kathlene said:


> I'm no gold digger but you can call it whatever you like. The point I was making was that whichever way this goes, I win in the end. It's just the way the world works. I'm not sure how this relates to me trying to repair my marriage but I figured I could at least correct you on that.


Your not trying to repair your marriage when your thinking it’s a win win how ever it goes. You don’t give a **** about your husband. I really hope he is able to find a good lawyer and pull his head out of your azz. Your saying he need to man up when you took his manhood away when you became another mans hoe. You have no clue what that does to a guy. Just so you know, I haven’t been cheated on. But women like you are just black as pitch on the inside.

We would be more then glad to help someone that actually wanted to fix what they have done, that isn’t you. You still don’t see that this is ALL your doing. Instead of trying to fix your marriage, YOU tried on a different ****. Then blame your husband for it.


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## michzz

When I finally divorced my cheating ex-wife I had a candid and painful text conversation with her back in 2012. During that exchange, she was trying to shift blame to me for her many-years-old affair.

I told her then that I am a good man and she even agreed saying that good women will want me. However, I did not extend to her the same "courtesy." I told her that she is not a good woman and and no good man will have her going forward.

A player may go for her, but as soon as a good man finds out how she behaved, and he will, they will drop her like a rock.

She was so rattled by that statement and she thought I was just trying to wound her.

Partly true, but my prediction has played out. And so has her comment about me. I remarried in 2014 to a good woman who loves me and will not cheat.

Ex-wife? As far as I know she hasn't even dated. Our daughter told me recently (and no, I wasn't asking about her) that her mom said she is paying the price of her effed up decisions. Alone, no money, no job, and now in her 60s.

Boo effin Hoo.

Her cheating was for a decade in her mid 30s- to mid-40s. She really thought she was hot stuff -- so much better than me.

Guess she got it all wrong.

OP, how about you?


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## oldshirt

Evinrude58 said:


> If you are particularly attractive as you say, there will always be men for you.
> But as said, it will be very difficult to find one that loves you like your husband did.
> 
> Do you even realize that you have hurt the man you swore to love, and the father of your kids, in the worst way you possibly could have?


Let me add to this. Any woman that doesn’t have open sores covering her body and smells bad can basically screw about any man. It’s easy to be a ****, that’s why people have such low regard for them.

Any woman that is not completely butt-ugly and diseased can have sex with literally hundreds if not even thousands of men in a life time.

But to find a man that truly loves her and freely commits and devotes himself to her and supports her and provides hands on love and care for her children and takes care of her when she’s sick and stands by her into old age etc etc etc -

most women do well to find that once in a lifetime.

Unless a gal goes full hooker or full sugar baby, the most she is going to get out of these playa’s and ****boys besides sex is drinks, weed and maybe some trinkets.


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## OddOne

Kathlene said:


> First of all, I am remorseful.


🤣🤣🤣


----------



## colingrant

Kathlene said:


> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and *he keeps bringing it up*. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst possible score, denying your husband, showing the disrespect, humiliation and emasculation will score you a 13. Additionally, such betrayal to men results in PTSD. The pain coming from the eternal mind movies of the man "finishing" in openings upstairs and downstairs is seen as a complete violation by your husband and will emotionally impair him possibly for life. He can't rid of it, he can only learn to manage it. It takes betrayed spouses 2-5 years to recover and even afterwards the marriage isn't the same as he will see you as someone else's depository. You did a pretty good number on him.

He can't stop bringing it up because he's wondering how is it possible the woman he loved would deny him so horrifically. He's traumatized and his reality has been turned upside down. Read up on people who are traumatized so that you can learn to empathize as he'll need you more than you'd ever think possible. This isn't the movies or TV. You've permanently impaired his view of the world and violated the emotional safetynet that comes with marriage. In simple terms, "he's f'd up something terrible".


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## colingrant

Kathlene said:


> I feel like I need to explain myself more since I'm getting drug through the dirt and I don't like it! It doesn't matter how many BJs I gave because that's not the point. My husband is making a big deal about it but I don't care about what I did sexually, I care about how the other man made me feel!
> 
> If my husband could be more alpha and assertive, I would be on my knees every night. He was like that earlier when we were dating but now he's soft. If it wasn't for our kids and the lifestyle that he provides, I would have been gone. Let's be honest, us women will do anything for a dominant man that we respect. That's why I did that for the other man and I don't regret it. I only regret not breaking it off before my husband found out.
> 
> Several have said that it will take years for him to recover so I get that. I don't know if I can stay around that long but I'll at least recommend counseling to him. At least with counseling, he can shift his focus to our relationship and not sorry about how intimate me and the other men was.


I understand your needs. Considering a man you respect is a dominant one, then you should have had the decency to divorce your husband than emotionally rape him in this way. His lifestyle that you enjoyed should have earned him a sliver of respect, but in fact he was humiliated. Providers are the real men of this world. Your lover's dominant persona is a need of yours, but it shouldn't compromise the principals a providing husband lives by. With respect to "Us" women, you're doing a great disservice to the women of the world.


----------



## colingrant

Kathlene said:


> You misunderstood me. When he caught me, I wanted to leave. He was the one that said he wanted a second chance. He was the one that convinced me that he could change. So he asked for the second chance and he got it. I could have walked away but you guys are dragging me for trying to get through this with him.


He asked for a 2nd chance because he's mortally wounded and people in his situation actually seek to stop the bleeding. He was in desperate survival mode to save himself. Being betrayed and losing you at the same time is the stuff suicide is born from. His begging you for another chance was really because the pain was too great and he was asking to help him save himself. He lost his dignity in doing so and it'll come to him in a few months when he recognizes you brought him to his knees. You were the one with the knife with blood dripping on it and he was saying, please, please don't stab me again.


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## QuietRiot

How to communicate with a sociopath:
_(Do not appeal with emotions and feelings, as the sociopath does not understand them, however, most do understand consequences.)_
1. Your affair broke the marriage you had and the husband you had it with. What’s left now is the result. You will never get the man you so desire from the broken guy that’s left. You broke your toy, and superglue can’t fix it babe. 
2. The man you desire and want does not exist, however many many men will pretend to be this man for you for a while. Please divorce and find these exciting men that will gladly fulfill your wants. And, you will never have to be bored again! None of those pesky weird things that make you uncomfortable... emotions. Yuck!
3. Please let your emotionally functioning husband raise your offspring as much as humanly possible. They need a parent that can understand things which are foreign to you, and provide those weird pesky emotion things that are so irritating. If they do not get this, they will lead broken lives in which they marry people, have children, and cheat on them over and over again. Or worse, they will marry, have children, and get cheated on by users over, and over again. I think you can agree this is not an ideal life for any person, but maybe more so for those carrying your genetic material? 

I wish you all the best, may you win every single thing you worked so hard to deserve. Xoxoxo


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## Galabar01

7 pages of responses??? 🤦‍♂️


----------



## GC1234

Kathlene said:


> I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.
> 
> This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.
> 
> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


Thanks for sharing your story with us. 
I think it's a good thing to want to try to fix your marriage. 
I'm not sure if you have, BUT have you articulated to your husband that he stopped going down on you, so THAT'S WHY you stopped going down on him?

Also, you CANNOT change someone's personality. If you think he's 'soft', that is his nature. I suggest that if you cannot accept his personality as is, then just go...leave! I understand you have love for him, but again, can't change him, that's him...it's unfair to him to 'have to change' and it's also unfair to you to keep 'making him try to change'.


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## Onward7913

OP, you initially indicated that you were depressed - what contributed to your depression? Was it your husband's attitude toward oral? It sounds like you discovered the thrill of submission as a secondary after effect of having the affair. Was part of the thrill the idea of being desired in a way that your husband no longer communicated? Or was it precisely because you knew that all of this would wound him - that you would somehow shift your pain to him? 

I agree with others - this isn't about winning. The way you view and frame the marriage is fundamentally flawed - you are 50% responsible for your marriage, and 100% responsible for the issues you bring to it. You like oral and some dom/sub play? Guess what: Never stop communicating your wants and needs. That's on you. 

Sounds like you need a spanking, and in more ways than one.


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## re16

OP, please send your husband here, I'd like to have a word with him. We'll teach him how to 'man up'.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

@Kathlene

From your post:
"
*I have my reasons for cheating. I gave my reasons for giving him the sexual acts that my husband didn’t get.* Maybe I’m too blunt but it’s the truth. He has every right to leave but deep down, *he knows it’s in his best interest to be with me*. If we were to divorce, he wouldn’t survive simply due to child support and alimony. *And I know it’s subjective but I would feel like he would never find another woman as attractive as me.* On the flip side, he’s a great father and provider for us. I know another man couldn’t fill his shoes. So I do care about him and our well being. Maybe I’m not conveying how I feel correctly but I do love and need him. That’s why I want him to get help to get over this."

Kathleen,

The gist I'm getting from you, kindly, is that yes you screwed up, but it was his fault, you apologized and just wish he would get over it faster, and him to go back to being a dutiful little paycheck provider.

You were the sexy minx for an outsider with no skin in the game, never being the hot wife you could've been for H, and told H all the *** stuff you did for OM, because H you just didn't deserve it.

And btw H, just get over it already, I need a new car.

WTH??


----------



## sokillme

Some people are wheat others are chaff.


----------



## Diana7

This poster has to be one of the most, if not THE most selfish, self centered, entitled, arrogant people we have ever had here. Goodness knows why her husband wants to stay with her.


----------



## Prodigal

Diana7 said:


> This poster has to be one of the most, if not THE most selfish, self centered, entitled, arrogant people we have ever had here.


Quite true. But look at the response her posts elicited. Considering the OP may be the word we cannot use to describe her, I'd say she accomplished her mission.


----------



## jlg07

Diana7 said:


> This poster has to be one of the most, if not THE most selfish, self centered, entitled, arrogant people we have ever had here. Goodness knows why her husband wants to stay with her.


The sad thing is, there are a ton of cheaters who actually DO think this way.....


----------



## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> This poster has to be one of the most, if not THE most selfish, self centered, entitled, arrogant people we have ever had here. Goodness knows why her husband wants to stay with her.


Because the poor chap loves her and loves their children.


----------



## manfromlamancha

The worst thing about this thread is that your attitude sucks. You did a terrible thing. Your husband is a good man and should never have begged you to stay. He should have kicked you out as soon as he found out and if he were here we would be helping him to do just that. I can understand why some might think that you are not real - its not what I am saying but your comments are unbelievable. You need to let him go so someone more deserving of him (and he of them) might be able to build a life with him. You need to get yourself some help here (after you have left your husband and given him a very amicable/favourable divorce).


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

re16 said:


> OP, please send your husband here, I'd like to have a word with him. We'll teach him how to 'man up'.


Indeed. Let me send him to my boot camp for betrayed men.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

MattMatt said:


> Because the poor chap loves her and loves their children.


It's also possible that as she says, she's way better looking than him and he knows he can't get someone as attractive physically, which as we all know is very important to some men. Of course if that's the case, others have suggested this might be a gold digger situation. If so, they may deserve each other.


----------



## sokillme

Here, is what I think is a universal truth and something everyone who has just learned they have been cheated on absolutely need to understand and come to terms with, every person who has ever cheated on there spouse thinks the same way as OP does one way or another. Cheating (not of the drunken ONS kind) is at it's most basic state, is about entitlement. It's about believing that you don't have to keep your word because it feels better at the moment not to. So maybe they are not as brazen about it but this, RIGHT HERE, is the thinking.

This post is important, if only to illustrate the point, this is the mindset. Like George Harrison said I, me, my. That is the mindset of the cheater, and even if they have enough shame and tact not to write it out as OP has done, they still believe it in their heart. "I deserve to feel good, to hell with everyone else." At the end of the day that's it in black and white.

If you are cheating on your spouse you are exactly like OP, if you are thinking of staying with your cheater they are exactly like OP.

Why should we assume this poster is real or not when the post is very much as real about exactly what adultery is and the mindset of the adulterer then most of all the stuff that has been written on the web about it.

In that respect, I say this post is more truthful than most anything I have read on this board.


----------



## ConanHub

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's also possible that as she says, she's way better looking than him and he knows he can't get someone as attractive physically, which as we all know is very important to some men. Of course if that's the case, others have suggested this might be a gold digger situation. If so, they may deserve each other.


He is married to an ornate commode.

No matter how white the porcelain is on the outside, there is a lot of unflushed you know what plastered inside.

He can do better than her by blindfolding himself and throwing a dart in a Mexican brothel.

OP is not interested in helping heal the damage her truly low and pathetic actions have caused.


----------



## Casual Observer

Kathlene said:


> I apologize if I offended anyone here by saying he needs to man up. What I meant is that he needs to stand up and fight for me if he really wants me. I chose to give him another chance so he needs to appreciate that and fight for it.


If there's one thing I've learned here on TAM, it almost never works out for the guy, if he gets into a situation where he has to "fight" for a wife who has had an affair. The "pick me" or "fight for me" game provides some egotistical thrills to the cheating spouse, but usually does nothing more than further emasculate the guy.

What you ask is very different from the only real way I've seen TAM relationships saved. How would your react if you came home and found he'd packed your bags, got a ticket for you to fly to your parent's, and gave YOU a choice, right then and there, with rules and requirements and an automatic exit, no further chances, if you screwed up?

That's something a real man who got his act together before caving in would do. Before your emasculation had destroyed him.

Where do you get off giving HIM the choice? It's his to give you.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I agree with the above. It doesn't work if the woman has to fight for a cheating man either. It's just prolonging the inevitable and losing all dignity. That's why I cringe when I see relationships with a big power imbalance.


----------



## TAMAT

While I can't agree with what you did, I do appreciate that you told how you felt and your internal justifications. It helps to understand WWs, there's no sense it trying to understand what some WWs write which contains minimizations and omissions.

I hope you are as honest with your BH as you are here it will give him a firm basis to decide on recovery or divorce.

That being said, I also hope your BH mans up by beating the OM down or exposing OM widely.


----------



## Diana7

sokillme said:


> Here, is what I think is a universal truth and something everyone who has just learned they have been cheated on absolutely need to understand and come to terms with, every person who has ever cheated on there spouse thinks the same way as OP does one way or another. Cheating (not of the drunken ONS kind) is at it's most basic state, is about entitlement. It's about believing that you don't have to keep your word because it feels better at the moment not to. So maybe they are not as brazen about it but this, RIGHT HERE, is the thinking.
> 
> This post is important, if only to illustrate the point, this is the mindset. Like George Harrison said I, me, my. That is the mindset of the cheater, and even if they have enough shame and tact not to write it out as OP has done, they still believe it in their heart. "I deserve to feel good, to hell with everyone else." At the end of the day that's it in black and white.
> 
> If you are cheating on your spouse you are exactly like OP, if you are thinking of staying with your cheater they are exactly like OP.
> 
> Why should we assume this poster is real or not when the post is very much as real about exactly what adultery is and the mindset of the adulterer then most of all the stuff that has been written on the web about it.
> 
> In that respect, I say this post is more truthful than most anything I have read on this board.


I have known many cheaters and NONE were anything like as arrogant and self centered and selfish as the OP. She may be attractve(so she claims but we dont know either way) but if what is inside a person is rotten, then that outside attraction is nothing.


----------



## OddOne

QuietRiot said:


> How to communicate with a sociopath:
> _(Do not appeal with emotions and feelings, as the sociopath does not understand them, however, most do understand consequences.)_
> 1. Your affair broke the marriage you had and the husband you had it with. What’s left now is the result. You will never get the man you so desire from the broken guy that’s left. You broke your toy, and superglue can’t fix it babe.
> 2. The man you desire and want does not exist, however many many men will pretend to be this man for you for a while. Please divorce and find these exciting men that will gladly fulfill your wants. And, you will never have to be bored again! None of those pesky weird things that make you uncomfortable... emotions. Yuck!
> 3. Please let your emotionally functioning husband raise your offspring as much as humanly possible. They need a parent that can understand things which are foreign to you, and provide those weird pesky emotion things that are so irritating. If they do not get this, they will lead broken lives in which they marry people, have children, and cheat on them over and over again. Or worse, they will marry, have children, and get cheated on by users over, and over again. I think you can agree this is not an ideal life for any person, but maybe more so for those carrying your genetic material?
> 
> I wish you all the best, may you win every single thing you worked so hard to deserve. Xoxoxo


She may have sociopathic and, or, psychopathic tendencies. The terms are, or at least seem to be, somewhat interchangeable, at least in term of how the general public which includes myself, uses them. But I tend to think she's probably not a sociopath. A narcissist, absolutely, but I doubt she's a sociopath for one simple reason: she lacks the self-awareness not to make herself look worse than she already has. Even if appeals to emotion won't work with her, I believe, perhaps mistakenly, that if she is a sociopath, she'd have the sense to put on a much better presentation after she's called out. I.e., she'd "chameleon" herself into what she thinks people expect of her. I believe sociopaths tend to be more intelligent. I think something else, aside from narcissism, of course, is wrong with her.


----------



## OddOne

TAMAT said:


> That being said, I also hope your BH mans up by beating the OM down or exposing OM widely.


I don't see physical violence against the OM as being necessarily "manly." But, I suppose, it depends on the context. If the OM starts a fight with OP's BH and gets his ass handed to him, fair enough. Probably also OK if they decide to have a grudge match in a boxing ring. In terms of proving dominance, there's some manliness reestablished either way if the BH is the winner in both cases. But I'd not be encouraging her BH to go track the OM down and beat him to a pulp, which may not be your intent but it is how an emotionally charged BH or BW could interpret your meaning. The BH should not add legal issues to his problems.


----------



## oldshirt

Diana7 said:


> I have known many cheaters and NONE were anything like as arrogant and self centered and selfish as the OP. She may be attractve(so she claims but we dont know either way) but if what is inside a person is rotten, then that outside attraction is nothing.


They were just as arrogant and self centered etc - they just tried to hide it and church it up.


----------



## oldshirt

sokillme said:


> Here, is what I think is a universal truth and something everyone who has just learned they have been cheated on absolutely need to understand and come to terms with, every person who has ever cheated on there spouse thinks the same way as OP does one way or another. Cheating (not of the drunken ONS kind) is at it's most basic state, is about entitlement. It's about believing that you don't have to keep your word because it feels better at the moment not to. So maybe they are not as brazen about it but this, RIGHT HERE, is the thinking.
> 
> This post is important, if only to illustrate the point, this is the mindset. Like George Harrison said I, me, my. That is the mindset of the cheater, and even if they have enough shame and tact not to write it out as OP has done, they still believe it in their heart. "I deserve to feel good, to hell with everyone else." At the end of the day that's it in black and white.
> 
> If you are cheating on your spouse you are exactly like OP, if you are thinking of staying with your cheater they are exactly like OP.
> 
> Why should we assume this poster is real or not when the post is very much as real about exactly what adultery is and the mindset of the adulterer then most of all the stuff that has been written on the web about it.
> 
> In that respect, I say this post is more truthful than most anything I have read on this board.



I agree 100%

I think the only thing that separates this OP from any other WW is this OP is just coming right out and saying it the way it is. 

These posts need to be posted somewhere for reference material so people can see what is going on on the inside of their hearts and minds.


----------



## sokillme

Diana7 said:


> I have known many cheaters and NONE were anything like as arrogant and self centered and selfish as the OP. She may be attractve(so she claims but we dont know either way) but if what is inside a person is rotten, then that outside attraction is nothing.


Are you sure about that, at the time their actions were the same and you know people by their actions. I hold by what I said, at least when they were cheating they were no different then OP.


----------



## TJW

oldshirt said:


> These posts need to be posted somewhere for reference material so people can see what is going on on the inside of their hearts and minds.


That would be indeed helpful. Many of us spend a long time blaming ourselves, because of the "reasons" the cheater uses to self-justify. Bottom line, there is no justification. My WW was of the exact same mindset as the OP. It was all my fault.

But, God put adultery in the same list with perjury, theft, and murder.

That's what He thinks of adultery. That He continues to love the adulterer is an "unspeakable gift".... sooner, or later, the adulterer gets "there"....


----------



## FinallyHappy1970

Oh sweetheart...

You’re sadly delusional and not a quality catch. You certainly won’t attract quality men which is why you settled for a weak man like your husband. The only men you attract are players and weaklings. Women like you are a dime a dozen, sweetie.


----------



## bandit.45

> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most.


It's done Kathleen. Stick a fork in it. Your betrayed husband will never recover from this. Do the man a mercy and divorce him and let him find a woman who knows how to work with her husband to sustain a marriage and relationship. As for yourself, please don't ever marry again. You are not wife material. You are too entitled, too selfish and too dismissive of other people's feelings.


----------



## 2&out

FinallyHappy1970 said:


> Oh sweetheart...
> 
> You’re sadly delusional and not a quality catch. You certainly won’t attract quality men which is why you settled for a weak man like your husband. The only men you attract are players and weaklings. Women like you are a dime a dozen, sweetie.


This is on the $. But women like this do have a place / serve a purpose for guys like me for a few days . *uck em a few times and forget em - move on before they start asking any questions or get to know too much.


----------



## LisaDiane

2&out said:


> This is on the $. But women like this do have a place / serve a purpose for guys like me for a few days . *uck em a few times and forget em - move on before they start asking any questions or get to know too much.


YOU would do that...? YOU are that kind of person, or were you just making a point?


----------



## 2&out

It depends on my life situation. If I'm interested in or involved with someone no. But if not maybe. Yes I have hit and run but I haven't hidden or lied about it to them / anyone.

I am sure contrary to most opinions here, but I think her husband does share some of the responsibility and directly so for her princess golden puss attitude. Act like a sissy ass doormat get treated like a sissy ass doormat. I would and have never begged a woman for a second chance or offered to "change" to make her happy. Not happy ? Tell me why. If it's something small and easy and I can help I'm probably in. But if it is personality related or deeper crap like that don't expect it to be my directive to make changes to make you happy. I can't control you being happy only you can so don't look to me to do it for you. I live by the Popeye motto -- I ams what I ams. If you don't like how I ams or think can do better OK - cool with me. Making a woman happy is not a priority to me / in my life. Sorry - just how I am. If the work isn't worth the reward - and I've been there and thus now much less desire to do - I'll just go on with my dumb happy self way.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Diana7 said:


> I have known many cheaters and NONE were anything like as arrogant and self centered and selfish as the OP. She may be attractve(so she claims but we dont know either way) but if what is inside a person is rotten, then that outside attraction is nothing.


It is for many men and some women. It's the most important thing for lots of men.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

OddOne said:


> She may have sociopathic and, or, psychopathic tendencies. The terms are, or at least seem to be, somewhat interchangeable, at least in term of how the general public which includes myself, uses them. But I tend to think she's probably not a sociopath. A narcissist, absolutely, but I doubt she's a sociopath for one simple reason: she lacks the self-awareness not to make herself look worse than she already has. Even if appeals to emotion won't work with her, I believe, perhaps mistakenly, that if she is a sociopath, she'd have the sense to put on a much better presentation after she's called out. I.e., she'd "chameleon" herself into what she thinks people expect of her. I believe sociopaths tend to be more intelligent. I think something else, aside from narcissism, of course, is wrong with her.


Narcissists also know how to fake being palatable to other people. I know two narcissists very well who have been diagnosed. one of them I had no idea until her daughter told me because she makes so much effort to be kind and is a very philosophical person. 

The other one was a close friend of mine when I was younger and she overcompensated on making people like her. She is very masterful at it.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

oldshirt said:


> I agree 100%
> 
> I think the only thing that separates this OP from any other WW is this OP is just coming right out and saying it the way it is.
> 
> These posts need to be posted somewhere for reference material so people can see what is going on on the inside of their hearts and minds.


The sooner people realize that nearly everyone puts themselves first with other adults, the less confusion there will be.

Back when I used to work in an office with mostly men who always had opportunity to cheat, they would just openly talk about getting sex on the side and keeping their wives in the dark. And from my vantage point, it appeared they married mild wives who were willing to keep their blinders on and not raise a fuss.

I knew the mistress of one of them because she ended up working in the office, and it turns out she was also a part-time call girl. She herself told me when I asked if she wanted to go to lunch that she doesn't eat unless a man pays for it. She had zero conscience but I mean she was a pleasant enough girl. I went shopping with her a couple of times and work threw
us together at after work functions. Her sister did the same thing.

The man had been married a long time and was a real good looking guy and the story he put out there because he was so openly cheating on his wife was that his wife was mentally ill so he couldn't leave her. The old yarn. he had a younger sister who worked with a guy I dated for a while so I got a lot of information on the whole situation that I wouldn't normally have had.

There very often is culpability on both sides. He was good looking and witty and had a good job. for whatever reason his wife put up with whatever he decided to do.


----------



## LisaDiane

2&out said:


> It depends on my life situation. If I'm interested in or involved with someone no. But if not maybe. Yes I have hit and run but I haven't hidden or lied about it to them / anyone.
> 
> I am sure contrary to most opinions here, but I think her husband does share some of the responsibility and directly so for her princess golden puss attitude. Act like a sissy ass doormat get treated like a sissy ass doormat. I would and have never begged a woman for a second chance or offered to "change" to make her happy. Not happy ? Tell me why. If it's something small and easy and I can help I'm probably in. But if it is personality related or deeper crap like that don't expect it to be my directive to make changes to make you happy. I can't control you being happy only you can so don't look to me to do it for you. I live by the Popeye motto -- I ams what I ams. If you don't like how I ams or think can do better OK - cool with me. Making a woman happy is not a priority to me / in my life. Sorry - just how I am. If the work isn't worth the reward - and I've been there and thus now much less desire to do - I'll just go on with my dumb happy self way.


When you say you don't hide it, does that mean you tell them before you have sex that it's only a "hit and run" (Lol!)
And you don't have to answer me, I'm only curious!

I agree that no one should change their personalities to make someone else happy - mostly because it just doesn't work, but also because even when it does, it's not REAL. I would rather have a relationship with someone based on who they really are instead of a fake relationship based on a fake person! WHY would anyone want someone they don't really want?? And being in a relationship with someone who doesn't really love the REAL you is soul-sucking and painful. 
And NOT WORTH IT.


----------



## oldshirt

FinallyHappy1970 said:


> . You certainly won’t attract quality men which is why you settled for a weak man like your husband. The only men you attract are players and weaklings.


This is worthy of its own thread and discussion point.

My wise old school marm mother would refer to this as people being like water who seek their own level.

A low quality, narcissistic, materialistic and self absorbed woman is not going to get a quality man who has self respect and who wants an equal partner to make a home and family with.

As stated above, the men she attracts will be from two camps- the playa’s and ****boys who just want a place to park their schlong for a night or two,,,,, and the pathetic, weaklings so desperate to have a woman around that they will accept whatever poop she flings in their face that she won’t be able to respect or desire. 

This applies to men and women egually - to get a quality partner that is a good person, attractive, a good lover and a loyal and faithful partner ,,, one must also be a good person, attractive and competent lover and and a loyal and faithful partner.

Otherwise you get what you are.


----------



## jlg07

DownByTheRiver said:


> The sooner people realize that nearly everyone puts themselves first with other adults, the less confusion there will be.
> 
> Back when I used to work in an office with mostly men who always had opportunity to cheat, they would just openly talk about getting sex on the side and keeping their wives in the dark. And from my vantage point, it appeared they married mild wives who were willing to keep their blinders on and not raise a fuss.
> 
> I knew the mistress of one of them because she ended up working in the office, and it turns out she was also a part-time call girl. She herself told me when I asked if she wanted to go to lunch that she doesn't eat unless a man pays for it. She had zero conscience but I mean she was a pleasant enough girl. I went shopping with her a couple of times and work threw
> us together at after work functions. Her sister did the same thing.
> 
> The man had been married a long time and was a real good looking guy and the story he put out there because he was so openly cheating on his wife was that his wife was mentally ill so he couldn't leave her. The old yarn. he had a younger sister who worked with a guy I dated for a while so I got a lot of information on the whole situation that I wouldn't normally have had.
> 
> There very often is culpability on both sides. He was good looking and witty and had a good job. for whatever reason his wife put up with whatever he decided to do.


So, UGH for this whole story. Sorry you ever had to work with such awful people.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Yeah, there were some creeps, but they weren't all creeps. Some of them were salesmen, not someone I had to put up with daily.


----------



## jlg07

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, there were some creeps, but they weren't all creeps. Some of them were salesmen, not someone I had to put up with daily.


It's a shame that ANYONE has to ever put up with people like that.


----------



## bandit.45

There are some men, like the Donald Trumps and Rupert Murdocks of the world who will willingly date and marry narcissistic, materialistic women primarily because they have the economic clout and lawyers to do so. So such women can land these men, but they have a small pool of fish to go after and the competition is much more intense. Jerry Hall divorced Mick Jagger and took up with old Rupert with no compunction whatsoever.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

jlg07 said:


> It's a shame that ANYONE has to ever put up with people like that.


They were popular guys who had some leverage and that's why they were able to do whatever they pretty much wanted to do. There are women who will go along with it. And that's my point.


----------



## jlg07

DownByTheRiver said:


> They were popular guys who had some leverage and that's why they were able to do whatever they pretty much wanted to do. There are women who will go along with it. And that's my point.


OH I DO get your point -- I just find that type of behavior repugnant and would never willingly associate with them (hence the "sorry you had to work with them"!). I don't care if they were popular, or good looking, or .... INSIDE they are ugly (the men AND women).


----------



## Evinrude58

People are people.. they do what they want. That’s why a person of character which shows a little self discipline is a rare thing. To find a super attractive woman like the OP describes herself, that has some character, is even harder. It’s super easy for a very attractive person to become an entitled narcissist because they’re given lots of things and coddled From an early age.
I could be wrong.


----------



## LisaDiane

Evinrude58 said:


> People are people.. they do what they want. That’s why a person of character which shows a little self discipline is a rare thing. To find a super attractive woman like the OP describes herself, that has some character, is even harder. It’s super easy for a very attractive person to become an entitled narcissist because they’re given lots of things and coddled From an early age.
> I could be wrong.


But aren't there certain people who are "super-attractive" to different people? I think it IS possible to find people you are super-attracted TO, who have good character...maybe people should look at the character FIRST, and let the attraction grow from there...??

I just don't understand being only physically attracted to someone...if there isn't something else there, I feel NO attraction, no matter how "perfect" they look. Maybe it's a guy-thing to only notice looks?


----------



## bobert

LisaDiane said:


> Maybe it's a guy-thing to only notice looks?


The hottest woman in the world would be a zero to me if she was a *****.


----------



## LisaDiane

bobert said:


> The hottest woman in the world would be a zero to me if she was a ***.


YES, that's what I mean!! 

I wouldn't call you a typical guy though...Lol!!


----------



## Evinrude58

LisaDiane said:


> But aren't there certain people who are "super-attractive" to different people? I think it IS possible to find people you are super-attracted TO, who have good character...maybe people should look at the character FIRST, and let the attraction grow from there...??
> 
> I just don't understand being only physically attracted to someone...if there isn't something else there, I feel NO attraction, no matter how "perfect" they look. Maybe it's a guy-thing to only notice looks?


I’ve been out with a few gorgeous women and only one was fun to be around, the others held no interest in my head. Of course they did before I met them .....
The most beautiful, I never really figured out much about her but I liked her, she was fabulously beautiful, and amazing in bed..... apparently just wasn’t into me....
She may have been a nympho.....


----------



## C.C. says ...

🥴


----------



## DownByTheRiver

bandit.45 said:


> There are some men, like the Donald Trumps and Rupert Murdocks of the world who will willingly date and marry narcissistic, materialistic women primarily because they have the economic clout and lawyers to do so. So such women can land these men, but they have a small pool of fish to go after and the competition is much more intense. Jerry Hall divorced Mick Jagger and took up with old Rupert with no compunction whatsoever.


Well, that's a case of like attracts like but with money involved. 

Jerry Hall divorced Mick because he knocked up another woman. And it was years before she remarried, but no doubt it was for money so she and the kiddos could continue their extravagant lifestyles.


----------



## Diana7

LisaDiane said:


> But aren't there certain people who are "super-attractive" to different people? I think it IS possible to find people you are super-attracted TO, who have good character...maybe people should look at the character FIRST, and let the attraction grow from there...??
> 
> I just don't understand being only physically attracted to someone...if there isn't something else there, I feel NO attraction, no matter how "perfect" they look. Maybe it's a guy-thing to only notice looks?


me too. Its a mans character and personality that I am drawn to the most.


----------



## Diana7

sokillme said:


> Are you sure about that, at the time their actions were the same and you know people by their actions. I hold by what I said, at least when they were cheating they were no different then OP.


Yes sure. Some of them were in my own family or married to people in my family.


----------



## bandit.45

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, that's a case of like attracts like but with money involved.
> 
> Jerry Hall divorced Mick because he knocked up another woman. And it was years before she remarried, but no doubt it was for money so she and the kiddos could continue their extravagant lifestyles.


Yeah but Jerry left Bryan Ferry (of Roxy Music) for Mick. So she got her karma.

And I doubt highly that she was left bereft after her D from Mick. If I recall it was a rather humongous payoff.


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## DownByTheRiver

She was still really young and Mick Jagger was just a huge icon to her. She got a big settlement and remained cordial with Mick, and I understand he lived right next door. But she had a couple of kids doing modeling and they were all just living a very extravagant lifestyle. 

Ferry's exwife also remarried for money. If there's been any kids produced from either of those two marriages of convenience I haven't heard about it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Casual Observer said:


> If there's one thing I've learned here on TAM, it almost never works out for the guy, if he gets into a situation where he has to "fight" for a wife who has had an affair. The "pick me" or "fight for me" game provides some egotistical thrills to the cheating spouse, but usually does nothing more than further emasculate the guy.
> 
> What you ask is very different from the only real way I've seen TAM relationships saved. How would your react if you came home and found he'd packed your bags, got a ticket for you to fly to your parent's, and gave YOU a choice, right then and there, with rules and requirements and an automatic exit, no further chances, if you screwed up?
> 
> That's what be something a real man who got his act together before caving in would do. Before your emasculation had destroyed him.
> 
> Where do you get off giving HIM the choice? It's his to give you.


Pick me will achieve nothing, Force, power, and take no prisoners attitude wins every time.


----------



## Cletus

LisaDiane said:


> But aren't there certain people who are "super-attractive" to different people? I think it IS possible to find people you are super-attracted TO, who have good character...maybe people should look at the character FIRST, and let the attraction grow from there...??
> 
> I just don't understand being only physically attracted to someone...if there isn't something else there, I feel NO attraction, no matter how "perfect" they look. Maybe it's a guy-thing to only notice looks?


Speaking as a guy, before you know what someone is like, isn't physical attraction basically all there is? I can still be 110% physically attracted to someone yet not want to even be in the same room with them. 

That can't be just a guy thing, can it?


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## Diana7

Cletus said:


> Speaking as a guy, before you know what someone is like, isn't physical attraction basically all there is? I can still be 110% physically attracted to someone yet not want to even be in the same room with them.
> 
> That can't be just a guy thing, can it?


If a person is horrible I wouldnt be attracted to him even if he was conventionally good looking.


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## MattMatt

MODERATOR NOTE:- There is a big threadjack here, folks.


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## Gabriel

God dang I feel bad for this husband. Guy seems to think there is no other woman on earth. For him to be "just sarcastic" about her doing stuff not with him....I mean, wow.

Hope to God the guy wakes up. Maybe a divorced mom in the neighborhood can help.

Kathleen, just let him go. He'll never trust you again, will be "sarcastic" for years, and eventually become really bitter. Soon enough, he won't want to touch you at all. During this process, you'll surely cheat again, and again. And over time as you mature, you'll feel your soul leaving your body.

Just cut bait.


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## StillSearching

Kathlene said:


> I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.
> 
> This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. *My husband begged me* to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.
> 
> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


Your husband needs to read "The Rational Male" ASAP!


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## DownByTheRiver

Whoever just rolls over is simply agreeing for the partner to keep doing what they're doing. The clear message is, "You can cheat and I'll take you back." 

Granted there are rare instances when maybe you can forgive it. I would say mainly with younger less experienced people. Until you've had your heart broken, you may not understand at all what it does to the other person. But if you truly love the other person, the very last thing you want to do is hurt them. When a person is young, they may just not understand how big a deal it is, but later, as things happen to them in their life, they may begin to understand and regret their actions. 

I'm not talking about spouses in this instance, but personal experience, I can think of two 20-some guys in my life this applies to. It's not the same because it wasn't a real commitment, but it illustrates something nonetheless. 

One I really loved had other problems (ED that I wouldn't know about until 10 years later). Short version: He hung around but nothing much happened, leaving me heartsick. He didn't understand what he had put me through until some girl put him through it, and then he ended up on my living room floor 3 years later morose for both himself and for what he did to me. Not about cheating, but just about hurting someone.

One I was most serious about let my old "friend" and roommate at the time seduce him during a sad but probably temporary breakup. We had called it quits before, mainly for practical reasons (wanting different things for the future) but gotten back together. It had only been a week or so. We still know each other to this day. It just destroyed me and I was more mad at her than him since I'd known her forever and had reason to expect loyalty from her. But I was mad at him for being that callous to bang someone right in my household. 

It was a couple of years before he understood what he'd done. We worked together by then and I remember we were at a little local gig sitting on some bleachers when he apologized. He said at the time he just didn't think it was that big a deal, but that his more experienced male friends had explained it to him, shocked that he had done such a thing. He was really remorseful from then on (we ended up working together for 10 years). I did forgive him, but I still didn't ever get back together with him because the experience had destroyed my trust in people entirely. We keep up with each other as friends because we have a lot of life we shared despite it not being a successful relationship. 

I don't know how young these two are. I don't know if they started having kids as teenagers, for example. I don't know if this woman ever had a chance to live as a young free woman. If they were both young, then it's easier to forgive because people need to experience the full range of life, whatever that means to them. But does that mean he should stay? No. They're not a good match, at least not at this point in time. They're not after the same lifestyle at this time. No reason for him to torture himself, or for her to settle down when she's just not ready. It's time for both of them to find their way.


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## bobert

DownByTheRiver said:


> If they were both young, then it's easier to forgive because people need to experience the full range of life


It seems like your making excuses for cheating and downplaying the severity of it based on age. Needing to "live life" or not having enough life experience is not an excuse. Cheating is just as bad whether you are 18, 38, or 98. Forgiveness has nothing to do with age. For me, it's more about time and understanding why the cheating happened.


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## Cletus

DownByTheRiver said:


> Granted there are rare instances when maybe you can forgive it. I would say mainly with younger less experienced people. Until you've had your heart broken, you may not understand at all what it does to the other person. But if you truly love the other person, the very last thing you want to do is hurt them. When a person is young, they may just not understand how big a deal it is, but later, as things happen to them in their life, they may begin to understand and regret their actions.


I have seen the same at the other end of the age spectrum. As people get older, at least the ones I am familiar with, they tend to be a little more gracious in their forgiveness, having been subjected to and sometimes a party to human fallibility.


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## DownByTheRiver

That's for you.


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## PreRaph

Back from the threadjack, I have to say I admire the OP for being honest. This looked to me like a troll post at first, but if the OP is serious then, well, I think she should take the next step of honesty and just get a divorce because what she wants is not who her husband is. As long as his WW is around he will not break free of the things that are weighing him down and become a man again.

TBH all this talk about alpha males is a fantasy that feeds the incel mentality. It's a bunch of pseudo-evolutionary bull sh--t that most any self-respecting man would never let himself be pidgeon-holed into.


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## fetishwife

You must have him read Athol Kay’s books - Married Man Sex Life Primer. This is EXACTLY the info he needs to fix himself and please you.

i also sent you a private message.

QUOTE="Kathlene, post: 20209417, member: 347123"]
I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
[/QUOTE]


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## Casual Observer

2&out said:


> Yes - by a lot. I am no longer weighed down by anyone else's needs/wants.


That's sad. For some of us, the idea would be not feeling weighed down, but rather happy that we're able to help with someone else's need/wants, and they, us. I think that's part of most relationships. It can become unhealthy (too needy or obsessive) but I think it brings people together, the feeling that they each help complete the other.

Might even go so far as to suggest that some affairs are begun in an attempt to find someone else to fill their needs/wants without having to reciprocate. The marital relationship soured when one party no longer saw value in the completeness of the couple. Ultimately selfishness in play.


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## MattMatt

MODERATOR NOTE Derogatory terms will be deleted. Further actions will be considered


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## Davidmidwest

Kathlene said:


> I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.
> 
> This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.
> 
> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?





Kathlene said:


> I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.
> 
> This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.
> 
> My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
> 
> There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?


Hello,

Your lapse in judgement is sad, but it is in woman's nature to cheat if the conditions are right to score with the ALPHA male at any age., so is the mans right to get upset and angry over is. Anyone who is given the sympathetic heart to share emotions will cheated. We men go to the woman who activates our cuddle hormone to fight dragons Woman don't have that bio drive to protect family make offspring- so when the mans woman goes off is very bad

Both sexes are lucky that they want to stay together:' however, more often than not, men will kick the woman out and to MGTOW-men going the own way to the point they will not see their kids over infidelity. 

YOU CAN AND HE CAN GET OVER THIS. ITS WAKE UP CALL Read books by Gottman, Esther Perele, Proper care in feeding of marriage by Dr. Laura schlessinger. Go get of counseling by a John Gottman P.h.D trained counselor. Do not go see any other counselor, Stats say you will always get divorced with those dipshits. You both read up on this an do all the things you can do that John Gottman has to teach about relationships. Seek the Gpttman institute out of Seattle WA. Get off this site, Being on this site is stealing time from yourself, you kids, your pets, your hobbies, your friends, and ye- your husband. Just think, you can be in bed getting a pounding of your life by your husband and then satisfy him- enjoying making love. YOU BOTH NEED TO REMEMBER-IF YOU DON'T ATTUNE TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND IT'S SEX LIFE SOMEONE ELSE WILL ALWAYS STEP UP TO TUNE YOU.lisen to gottman, esther perelle amd dr. laura. you will succeed.

NOW THE FIX
1. READ THOSE BOOKS, AND GET COUNSELING. IF Spouse won't go you go- you will become better person to give and receive love
2. Men an women want to know the details, the juicy details, how that tongue worked-lol- seriously. You will be asked about how and what kind of lover they were. It is affront to their ego and special bond you have. "why you do it for him or her, and not me. -wtf what is wrong with me the spouse will ask.
3.Expect to be lovingly, -spitefully-hatefully yelling and nastry treatment. you need to take it, but not to the extent you are abused. Spouses have the right to yell and correct there mates bad behaviore --- take it
4. If any spouse cant take any correction, and go with it, or take influence to make the marriage better or resolve conflict. Get out of the marriage.
5. YOU calmly talk about it and give all the details
6. Maybe up tp ten times while making love you may get a dig or two _ with anger, will say something like this- "did he do this"
7. YOU WILL BE ON VERY SHORT LEASH= check your cell, your e-mail, time you how long you are outside the home. he will question and observe you galore. 
8. Rebuild trust by Transparency.
9. become res pill aware
10. Learn how society ands the feminisms movement turned us men into Beta week men. "pu**s**s. Look if you were again look around now- how many alphas you see--None...
11. Dr. Laura proper care and feeding of marriage another book, Friend Partners and Lovers are good.
12 Dr gottman abd Dr. Laura book will fix it, I guarantee it. Read Dr laura book first
13 you can win back. turn the nasty eroticisms back onto your husbands regularly you will get his heart and trust again
14. learn to be a proverbs 31 woman, and learn to seduce each other. Sex is the last step. Its what you do to each others mind, activities, and conversation is the aphrodisiacs up to that point
15. check out and do the 24 hour rule for sex. if your mate is too tired to accept your bid for loving, the person who rejected the bid for loving tonight, they need to do this, It sets up an expectation for more effort fun in bed the next night, with a flower, make the effort to be special nice. The refuser must make the effort to make the next days love rendezvous more special.
16 if either spouse is not a proverbs woman or king or willing to correct themselves to become one - run-leave an never look back
17 another book. Too good to leave, too bad to stay.
18.good luck to you I will pray for you both
19. URGENT LAST THING. PROMIS FOR 1 YEAR YOU WILL TABLE ANY TALK OF DIVORCE. OUR EMOTIONS WANT OUR POUND OF FLESCH- IMMEDIATELY-EVEN IT IT SCOURCHES THE EARTH FOR GOOD.
20. YOU OR THE MAN WHOM BOTH HAD SEX OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. ONE OF YOU NEED TO LEAVE YOUR EMPLOYER ASAP almost immediately because hate and contempt against you will grow and hubby will seek than and 50/50 chance do him harm for messing with his woman.


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## vincent3

Here's what I took from the original post: _I checked the box of saying that I own what I did. That out of the way, I'll blame the man I cheated with for taking advantage of my depression [did he actually know you were depressed and set out to exploit you?], then I'll blame my husband for not being what I want sexually [although I assume he wasn't much different when you agreed to marry him]._

As others have said, you're not in a position to issue him a timeline to "get over it." _You_ are the person who cheated. I'm sure you'll say you know that, but your attitude in your post doesn't reflect it. You don't have to stay in the marriage, but you're not in a position to demand expedited changes if you're going to stay. I think you should give him a fair divorce - not because of what he is or isn't doing, but because of what you did - and let him recover and rebuild. Yes, the divorce will destabilize your life. That's _your_ problem.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP apparently has bailed.


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## Jimhardc

Kathlene said:


> I'm no gold digger but you can call it whatever you like. The point I was making was that whichever way this goes, I win in the end. It's just the way the world works. I'm not sure how this relates to me trying to repair my marriage but I figured I could at least correct you on that.


You are aware that many judges will say it’s in his best interest To leave you. Your husband was faithful. He is the one trying to work on the marriage and in your own words “he’s become Mr. Mom” sounds like a divorce might just leave you high and dry. just my 2 cents but you aren’t sitting as pretty as you think. Oh yeah many men find distrust and arrogance turn off. So you may be a 10 but all you will be seen as is a cheating 4.


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## Diana7

PreRaph said:


> Back from the threadjack, I have to say I admire the OP for being honest. This looked to me like a troll post at first, but if the OP is serious then, well, I think she should take the next step of honesty and just get a divorce because what she wants is not who her husband is. As long as his WW is around he will not break free of the things that are weighing him down and become a man again.
> 
> TBH all this talk about alpha males is a fantasy that feeds the incel mentality. It's a bunch of pseudo-evolutionary bull sh--t that most any self-respecting man would never let himself be pidgeon-holed into.


Thank you and I totally agree. I just never get this 'alpha male' and 'beta male' thing. If it is a thing, then most people would disagree on what constitutes an alpha male or beta male anyway. Most men would fall somewhere between the two , no one would be totally one or the other. I think its a load of nonsense and I dont like labelling people in that way.


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## bandit.45

> Thank you and I totally agree. I just never get this 'alpha male' and 'beta male' thing. If it is a thing, then most people would disagree on what contstitutes an alpha male or beta male anyway. Most men would fall somewhere between the two anyway, no one would be totally one or the other. I think its a load of nonsense.


It is. Humans are not canids. Different men have different personalities, and how a guy behaves or acts is not always a reflection of his strength or toughness. One of the physically strongest, toughest guys I know is very effete and almost feminine acting. Many people think he is gay but he's not. It's just the way he is. He's mild until you push him too far and then once he loses it walls start having bodies thrown through them.


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## QuietRiot

Davidmidwest said:


> 11. Dr. Laura proper care and feeding of marriage another book, Friend Partners and Lovers are good.
> 12 Dr gottman abd Dr. Laura book will fix it, I guarantee it. Read Dr laura book first


There are some similarities between Dr. Laura and the OP, but I doubt that the OP following any of her advice would “fix”anything. 

I read several of Dr. Laura’s books and listened to her show for about a year and a half. She perplexed me so I had to know more about her. She preaches strong marriage, with supporting an “alpha male” yes, however she also believes spouses CAUSE cheating. Additionally, it is the betrayed spouses job to get over the cheating as they must have violated their own vows to cause the cheating in the first place as well, so it’s a wash. Violation of vows is all equivalent. Additionally, The betrayed spouse should never bring up or throw in the cheaters face anything about the affair after reconciliation, they should both just fully dedicate themselves to the marriage and each other and this will fix it.

The similarity to the OPs mindset is apparent in this. Also, be aware that Dr Laura’s history indicates she herself was a cheater and the other woman several times including her late husband who left his wife and children for her. She is controversial at best. Hypocritical and unrealistic as well in my opinion. I could wax poetic on the topic, but I’ll just leave it at this... following her advice negates the feelings and trauma of the betrayed spouse, and gives unrealistic ideologies for relationships which she herself could not follow. I don’t think her advice is wise by any means. Entertaining, but not wise.


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## vincent3

So apparently it's all the husband's fault, because he isn't the boddice-ripper that she's entitled to. Never mind the fact that being a boddice-ripper leaves a man teetering on the edge of being a rapist, based solely on whether each encounter satisfies her. I could be completely wrong here, but I doubt any man is a boddice-ripper for the entirety of a long-term marriage. There will eventually come a time when he goes a little too far. Don't misunderstand, I get it; it's his responsibility to know what she wants each and every time and thread the moving needle.

He might also be sick of always having to initiate. He might be wondering when he's going to be made to feel special. Oh, but maybe that would be "beta." Either way, it's definitely a violation of her entitlement.

Maybe the OP needs to commit to a lifestyle of new alpha studs every few years. Wealthy alpha studs, of course.

Really, I hope he leaves her. Nobody should be on the other end of such entitlement.


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## Dictum Veritas

I hesitate, ruminate upon then almost always refrain from calling someone beyond redemption, for that reason, I will not say it about the OP, yet, no one can blame me for what I think.


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## ConanHub

.


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## ConanHub

.


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## ConanHub

MattMatt said:


> MODERATOR NOTE:- There is a big threadjack here, folks.


Sorry Matt. I got carried away as well.








Talk About Marriage







www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Here is a thread I started to keep discussing a lot of really interesting topics started here.

Sorry for the TJ OP if you are still reading.

You need to grow as a person if you want to save your marriage and even if you don't, you should strive to be a better woman.

You are not all that. No matter how good looking you are, having strength of character and many other less visible traits is what makes a person really worth while.

You apparently view yourself as more valuable than your husband and that will never work for a healthy marriage.

Has your husband lost value in your opinion?


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## BruceBanner

Kathlene said:


> I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally.


With all you've done you will never have the man "that you need him to be" because you were not the woman he needed you to be.


Kathlene said:


> I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks.


Please do it would be a benefit for him.


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## MattMatt

*MODERATOR WARNING:- *I just had to waste a good part of my Saturday evening cleaning up a threadjack despite having placed a warning in the thread.

If there are any more threadjacks, bans will be considered.


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## Thumos

If the OP is indeed real then she’s the walking epitome of Proverbs 30:20

she’s quite literally a flesh and blood example of a type of woman wisdom teachings all over the world have warned about for thousands of years.


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## paboy

I realize that you have received a lot of advice. Some helpful. Some not so much.

My passing thoughts.

Have you truly realized what your infidelity has has done to your family. Your husband and children. The path that they were previously on has now changed. It will have a ripple effect for the remainder of their lives. Especially if you two are unable to fully recover.


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## Gabriel

Hey Matt - why is this thread still active?


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## MattMatt

Gabriel said:


> Hey Matt - why is this thread still active?


Because it's not considered to be a zombie thread at this time.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

An AWOL thread?

😉😉


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## Kaliber

Thumos said:


> she’s quite literally flesh and blood example of a type of woman wisdom teachings all over the world have warned about for thousands of years.


What @Thumos said!


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## bandit.45

Why should Kathleen fear her BH leaving her? Why should that fear be any motivation to act like a decent person and do one last kindness to her BH? Why should any woman fear divorce for that matter? Because women in today's society have nothing to fear from divorce. The law, the Courts, and the political climate all favor women. Even if her BH spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and had the meanest shark lawyer eviscerate her on the stand, the best the BH could hope for would be a 50/50 split on everything including the kids. And she knows this well.


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## TDSC60

I am in the camp that considers an Alpha male that women prefer a real thing. Call them domineering, or the "bad boy, or whatever. Women are attracted to men who show strength. This thread is a case in point. This is a fact that is hard wired into females of all animal species. They want a male capable of protecting them and their children. It is biology. Emotions can cloud the issue, but deep down that is what women are drawn to even if they can't put a name to it or understand it.

Men who find out or catch a cheating spouse and want to reconcile have the best chance for success if they are willing to walk away from the marriage and show the WW that immediately. I have seen this time and time again on this thread and others. If a man kicks the offender out or files for D immediately he shows his strength. Begging and pleading does not work, the pick me dance does not work. If the WW of weak man stays, she is apt to cheat again and replay the whole scenario.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator note:- *Due to the fact the OP hasn't been back for a while, this thread is now closed.

If the OP wishes it to be opened again, please ask.


----------

