# Hubby upset with $$ I received from my Dad...



## Iloveautumn (Aug 31, 2013)

I am currently going thru chemo. Finances are a little tight as I am off work, however we are not struggling. We do have a little savings if we have to dip into. 

My Dad gave me $300.00 for ME to use as I want. He knows I haven't had to funds to do extra things as we have to keep on a tight budget. The money is for extras, like if I want to go out for lunch or buy a little something for me. I have had a tough time fighting cancer and my Dad just wanted to give this money so I can enjoy myself on the days I feel good and can get out and enjoy it.

My husband was upset when he knew what the purpose of the money was for. He thinks it should go into our bank account and be used to pay bills. He was also upset that my Dad said that he wanted me to dictate how this money should be spent not my husband. My husband in the past has been a little controling with our money and my family knows this, even though my husband doesn't think he is controling. 

Now he doesn't want to have anything to do with this money. He is making this all about him. I am annoyed that he can't see that the money was to have fun with while I am going thru chemo/radiation treatment.

I plan to take the family out for a nice dinner and buy a few little things. I feel my husband has taken what was suppose to be a little something to brighten my day to something that makes me feel anxious. 

Am I right to be annoyed with my husband?


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## Mr Wolf (Mar 1, 2012)

I am very sorry you are going through Chemo. Hopefully, you will come through it and be completely healed.



Iloveautumn said:


> My husband was upset when he knew what the purpose of the money was for. He thinks it should go into our bank account and be used to pay bills. He was also upset that my Dad said that he wanted me to dictate how this money should be spent not my husband. *My husband in the past has been a little controling with our money and my family knows this, even though my husband doesn't think he is controling.*


You know this is not a money issue... Right? You want to spend the money how you want. Your husband wants to use it to pay bills. Things are a bit tight. Unfortunately, you have a marriage problem. 

You and your husband are not on the same financial page and *your* family thinks your husband is controlling the family money. Your father, knowing the situation and very likely well intentioned given your health challenges, gave you money for you to spend as you see fit but he knew that it would likely cause problems with your husband. 

I come from the place of "ours" vs "mine" or "yours" in a marriage.

First, neither family should be so involved in your marriage that they "know someone is controlling". This is between you and your husband. Sometimes fathers will do things for their daughters to undermine their husbands when the husband is not well liked or there is some other issue (i.e. I'm your daddy, I will always come first and take care of you). I'm not saying this is what is going on but your husband's reaction may be because he believes this is what your father is doing and he feels undermined by this when he is trying to take care of his family when things are tight and you are going through a difficult situation.

Second, if my father or anyone else for that matter gave me money and dictated how it was to be used I would either refuse the conditional gift or, in accepting it, let them know that I would use it how "we" saw fit.

Third, you and your husband have to get to a place where you can discuss these things like adults. It sounds like he is a tyrant that does not consider your wants and feeling and needs to lighten up a bit and enjoy things with his family. Given the unusual circumstance of your health condition, it is okay to not be so fanatical and to do someting fun with this money: whether solely for you or for the family. That makes you feel good in a difficult situation and will not hurt the family as this is "found" money. Somehow he has to get that and love you enough to allow you some joy.

Be sensitive to how your H may be perceiving things and try to talk with him about it.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Considering your husband is the one earning the money one can understand why he also wants to be controlling. When you say a little tight do you mean a 'lot' really although not struggling.
It seems you cant pay your bills so I am not sure what not struggling means.
Does your husband expect your father to come up with 'real' money not just a few dollars while you are ill.
I wish you well and think you will get over it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Mr wolf nailed it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

accept1 said:


> Considering your husband is the one earning the money one can understand why he also wants to be controlling. When you say a little tight do you mean a 'lot' really although not struggling.
> It seems you cant pay your bills so I am not sure what not struggling means.
> Does your husband expect your father to come up with 'real' money not just a few dollars while you are ill.
> I wish you well and think you will get over it.



That's right, it's not like she's his partner or anything. Geez, I didn't realize she had to report to daddy, I mean hubby. I'll be sure to let my husband know that if he gets sick and has to take time off of work that he better report anything and everything to me and obtain my permission, because it's not like we're partners and he's am adult. . Since he's a good bit older than me this is likely to happen. Good to know that the one who earns the money gets to control everything. OP, next time don't even tell him anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, I think you have every right to be annoyed. This money was a gift for a purpose, and to dishonor that reason would be wrong. If your father thought the money wasn't going to be used as he wished (for your modest enjoyment), he probably wouldn't have given it to you at all.

Yes, things are tight, but you're not struggling. With your current health challenges, you certainly deserve a little enjoyment that you might otherwise forego if it were at the cost of using money needed for bills.


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## cookingirl78 (Oct 16, 2013)

Can you maybe split the money? $150 for bills, $150 for you?

I can see both sides of this. My fiance has spent a lot of money on things we didn't need and even gave (not leant, gave) some to family and friends while we were struggling, and I was pissed. Even though we are not yet married and it is technically his money.

BUT, I have two relatives with cancer right now, so I know how tough what you're going through is. I also know how much you need those extras sometimes and how much they really do help you feel better.

This is a tough situation, and I wish you luck.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

How is your marriage otherwise? If it is good, you might consider that the stress of your illness has an effect on him as well. People under extreme stress do not always act rationally. No way to know how the scenario might trigger feelings of powerlessness in him. 

I'm not saying that what he said is OK, simply, that there may be more to it than him simply worrying about a few bills.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

holy cow its only 300$ that her dad gave her to spend on HER!

she is going through a difficult health problem and her dad wanted her to have some extra cash so she can do some things with out her a$$ of a husband watching every freaking penny.

Stand your ground this was a gift from your dad because he loves you and want to lessen the stress your going through.


If he (your husband ) doesn't get this then hes just.........stupid.

and when you get better maybe you should really think about if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who couldn't understand this.

hope you get better soon stay strong and think positive!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I first started to say it's ONLY $300 but then I remembered what it was like to be broke.

So before I passed judgement on the amount I'd want to know what percentage of that is in relation to their total bills. To some $300 is nothing to others it's a lot.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I first started to say it's ONLY $300 but then I remembered what it was like to be broke.
> 
> So before I passed judgement on the amount I'd want to know what percentage of that is in relation to their total bills. To some $300 is nothing to others it's a lot.


I think in this situation with her going through chemo and it being a gift from her dad she should be able to do as she pleases.

she indicated that they are not struggling.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Once again honesty is not always the best policy. Sh*t poor woman is fighting cancer and maybe that $300 for a very short period of time could have made her world a little brighter.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

My FIL frequently gives money to my wife and oftentimes without my knowledge. He assumes my wife communicates this to me but usually doesn't. Interestingly, he has asked her several times if I get mad about him giving her money ... he's sensitive about stepping on my toes. I have to admit that I feel a little ... embarrassed that he does that for her, like a knock on my manhood (I know it isn't logical) ... but never mad. I make a good living and although money is tight sometimes, I am able to provide a very nice standard of living so there is really nothing I should be embarrassed about. I understand he wants to do that for his daughter and I know I will too when my daughters are grown.

My wife and I separated in January, 2011 and reconciled 13 months later. My FIL gave my wife around $5K for things. At some point after we reconciled, my MIL (who is divorced from FIL) and I were watching my daughter at gymnastics practice and she asked me why I never thanked my FIL for the $5K. I said because you telling me is the first time I have heard about it. That was completely between her and her dad. It does explain some purchases she made but doesn't account for all of it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She says they are on a tight budget which means different things to different people.

There are so many dynamics to this.

Cancer.

Controlling husband.

Possibly overly involved family re marital problems.

Loss of income/tight budget.

I wish she could have just lied about it knowing how her husband is.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> She says they are on a tight budget which means different things to different people.
> 
> There are so many dynamics to this.
> 
> ...


IMHO honesty is the best policy. she needs to stand up for herself and he needs to learn how to quit being selfish.

lying about it won't accomplish that. confrontation is never fun or easy but most time necessary.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Mr Wolf said:


> I am very sorry you are going through Chemo. Hopefully, you will come through it and be completely healed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 VERY VERY BAD ADVICE! There is nothing wrong with dad giving daughter $$ and asking her to spend it only on herself. By doing this, dad is NOT getting involved in daughter's marriage. I think the husband is a control-freak and needs to grow up!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Gifts with “strings” can be a source of arguments in any relationship and with the existing financial and medical problems the OP relationship was under I am not surprised that this has happened.

Personally I would have had no problem with the FIL gifts or its conditions but I would have been disappointed if at least some of the treats the wife spent the money on did not include her husband.

Over the 20 years we have been together my wife and I have found that for us openness and honesty are the best way to avoid arguments (especially those over finances).

My wife is the only daughter and was a bit of a “princess” when we first married, she had been used to her parents bailing her out whenever she needed it and it took a good 5 years before she accepted the necessity of us living within our means.

Over the years both families have helped us out from time to time (when our first child was born money was tight to say the least) and sadly in recent years there has been some money come to us as inheritances from relative who have passed away, one of these (£6,000 / $9,000) came with the instruction that it must be spent on “enjoying yourself” not on household expenses. We used the money towards our family vacation in which we did store up plenty of happy memories. I do think that it is important to use gifts for the purpose that they were given but you must first and foremost be “A Couple” and share the knowledge of / responsibility for actions.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I see both sides here. My W is a SAHM, so I am 100% responsible for earning the cash that pays the bills. That doesn't allow me to be a controlling freak, but I can see where the H thinks it would be best to save MOST of that $300 as long as the W is out of work. They aren't struggling at this point, but it also sounds like they don't have much of a cushion. In the H's shoes, I'd be losing sleep over finances.

Maybe a compromise? The W takes $50 or so and treats herself to something that makes her smile, and the rest goes into savings. When she's ready to go back to work, blow the rest of the $300 on fun stuff.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It was a gift. Would your husband have felt better if your father had given you a $300 purse? Would he insist that you let him carry the purse?

Parents don't need to check with their children's spouses before giving a gift. It's not like he gave her enough money to hire an attorney. Why would anyone assume that daddy was undermining the marriage?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm a sahm and my husband never dictates how I spend money whether its a gift or money he's earned. I have full access to the bank account and I don't need permission to buy anything.

I'm not a big spender, but I certainly would not put that $300 in the bank for savings or to pay bills if I got it as a gift. I'd use it as it was intended for, something for myself even if it took me a year or so to spend the entire amount.

I agree that your husband is controlling.


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## Iloveautumn (Aug 31, 2013)

Thank you for all your responses! Very interesting to hear others point of view. My husband finally accepted that the money is for me, though I did take him out for dinner when I was feeling better. I'm disappointed that he acted that way however I'm not surprised as when it comes to money he always tells me how it should be spent/saved. He grew up poor with a drunk of a Dad, so money was tight in his family...he never wants to be in that situation again. I realize this is HIS problem, not mine.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

I'm so sorry as to your situation, but I've been through the same, and I want to give you a little advice:

Last Christmas, I received 10,000 from my mom tO dictate how I pleased and also for my braces. My husband hated this, and while he kept saying "it's your money, I don't want to have you be pissed off at me for saying anything about it." He still would make stupid comments, still to this day it comes up once in awhile. Let's just say I got tired of having the money because of all his comments and pretty much just started my business, and I literLly have one thousand left, no braces. 

Moral of the story: Do NOT under any circumstances feel bad about spending that money on yourself, don't blow it on crap, and DO NOT let your husband dictate anything about it. Ever.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What an awesome gift in a crappy situation. I had to watch my dad go through chemo and it's horrific  I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful time.

Is there a compromise in here? I know I wouldn't want to go through compromising if I was going through freakin' chemo, but if it took away the stress from ONE THING it may be worth it.

Maybe put half in savings...spend the other half on you?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Zombie thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Your husband has a wife with cancer. This is an enemy he has no control over, and can't fight. He probably feels helpless, and is trying not to show it so you don't have added stress worrying about him, but it spills over into anxiety about things he CAN control, such as money.

I'd recognize this and compromise; spend half the money on self-pampering, and put half towards bills.

If your father REALLY wanted to dictate how you spent the money, he'd have given you a gift card.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)




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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


>


Kind of like the movie pet cemetery "they come back to you"


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