# I just can't seem to get over the anger and disgust I feel towards him!!!!



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

And the mind movies of bringing a hooker to his room while out of town. Is it even possible to get over this????? I'm so angry and disgusted I could puke, I feel physically ill at times. 

HELP!


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Was this in addition to other cheating? If so then it's time to move on. Serial cheaters are unsavable. They're like sociopaths. They'll never stop even if they themselves really believe they can. The truth is they can't and won't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So that we don't have to go back and read your 225 past posts.. can you give us a brief run down? 

Are you talking about what happened when you came here in Sept? Or did something more happen?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

My advice to all betrayed spouses to divorce.

JMHO

the sooner the better. Don't waste any more of your precious time. pull up your boot straps get pi$$ed and file. then live the best life you can for sweet revenge. 

I know easier said than done. But thats my opinion.

I know that there are some who have indicated that they reconciled and are doing good after a pile of hard work and some setbacks.

you won't know if its going to work out because you could catch them again. we can't see into the future. and will or can you ever really trust someone again. I guess that a personal decision. some might be able to and other won't no matter what. so I f you think you fall into the latter category then for sure its best to just end things. 

good luck with what ever you decide.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SomethingsUp said:


> And the mind movies of bringing a hooker to his room while out of town. Is it even possible to get over this????? I'm so angry and disgusted I could puke, I feel physically ill at times.
> 
> HELP!


You need talking therapy of some kind. Your doctor can help start the process by directing you to a suitably qualified counsellor.

A skilled practitioner can help reduce or in time even eliminate the impact of mind movies.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> And the mind movies of bringing a hooker to his room while out of town. Is it even possible to get over this????? I'm so angry and disgusted I could puke, I feel physically ill at times.
> 
> HELP!


how long has it been? please know this is totally normal and you arent insane if this has happened less than a year ago, or even more for some people.....you never really get over it , or forget per say....but it does or should get to a point where it doesnt devastate you like it does now....there is hope! get counseling, also talk to your doc about antidepressants.....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Firstly. Why are you still with him and what repercussions has he faced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't get over it because of what he did and how he treated you (I remember your story) 

So why did you let him back in your life?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WH has treated you very, very shabbily. You were lonely all those years while he worked away from home and what did he do? He found himself a mistress and slept with prostitutes.

The disparity between his behavior and yours is enormous. It's no wonder that you feel anger and disgust. He is still lying to you, I am sure.

Why are you giving him another chance?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm disappointed at the way your adult children treat you. If you were my mother, I would have had you stay with me for a month or staid with you so soon after trying to take your life. I would not have mentioned anything about taking back a man so worthless as to put you in such jeopardy. What selfish terrible people they are. Your husband being in your face and stressing you is astounding. Only a bottom feeder would care so little that he would be able to even ask to stay with you and not handle you with loving care. You are surrounded by people who take from you and give nothing back. And you let them. 

Your therapist sounds incompetent as many are. Sounds like part of your recovery is to regain your self respect and self protectiveness. You need to be loved and cared about. Anyone in your life who is not doing that, tell them what you need and if they are not with the program then limit contact. Give as much as they give you which, appears to be nothing BTW. Part of your recovery should be getting your disgusting husband. Any man who goes to prostitutes is tainted and diseased. I would not let him sleep in my house to dirty up my sheets. I certainly would not let him touch me. 

My impression is that you want your husband way more than he wants you. He knows that and does as he pleases. He was sure you woukd let him come back for Christmas. I doubt he came back because he wants back in the marrige. Right now it's conveient until he feels like roamng again. He knows he will always have a good woman at home to take care of him and put up with his sh!t so why not. In the meantime, he buys a warm hole that other men have masturbated into just 2 mins before. . What a prize. 

The recording says it all. If you were not interested in a man not interested in you, you would have stopped the conversation at the first lie and kicked his azz out. You kept begging him to tell you a good lie so you could bury your head again and keep him around. This man not worth anything. He lucked out in having a woman with such low self esteem and little self-respect that she thinks he is worthwhile
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> I'm disappointed at the way your adult children treat you. If you were my mother, I would have had you stay with me for a month or staid with you so soon after trying to take your life. I would not have mentioned anything about taking back a man so worthless as to put you in such jeopardy. What selfish terrible people they are. Your husband being in your face and stressing you is astounding. Only a bottom feeder would care so little that he would be able to even ask to stay with you and not handle you with loving care. You are surrounded by people who take from you and give nothing back. And you let them.
> 
> Your therapist sound incompetent as many are. Sounds like part of your recovery is to regain your self respect and self protectiveness. You need to be loved and cared about. Anyone in your life who is not doing that, tell them what you need and if they are not with the program then limit contact. Give as much as they give you which, appears to be nothing BTW. Part of your recovery should be getting your disgusting husband. Any man who goes to prostitutes is tainted and diseased. I would not let him sleep in my house to dirty up my sheets. I certainly would not let him touch me.
> 
> ...


I could hardly get through what you wrote to me, you nailed the situation as it exactly is.....

I need to let all of this go, I deserve a way better life then what I'm settling for, I think I've just been so fearful of the unknown, to start my life over. I know I will regret not moving on if I invest any more days into him and this ****ty marriage to a man that doesn't love me or want me. I'm the text book version of a co-dependent and it's completely destroying me. 

I have to muster up the courage to leave him TODAY to save myself. Thank you Catherine for showing me truth, you seem to care about me more then those I'm surrounded by. 

I'll let you know what I do, please pray for me to get some much needed courage today.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> Your WH has treated you very, very shabbily. You were lonely all those years while he worked away from home and what did he do? He found himself a mistress and slept with prostitutes.
> 
> The disparity between his behavior and yours is enormous. It's no wonder that you feel anger and disgust. He is still lying to you, I am sure.
> 
> *Why are you giving him another chance?*


He's a master manipulator and talked me into another chance, I'm not going to now after reaching out on this thread. I'm so unhappy and I know I'll stay that way if I stay with him.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> He's a master manipulator and talked me into another chance


No he is not. He is absolutely useless. You are giving him way too much credit. The only thing he has going for him as *Catherine602* has mentioned is his luck in finding a woman with such low self esteem and little self-respect that she thinks he is worthwhile. That's how his type operate. No self-respecting, confident woman would accept him or his behaviour.



SomethingsUp said:


> I'll let you know what I do, please pray for me to get some much needed courage today.


You don't need courage. You should be jubilant at the prospect of a better, more joyful life ahead.



SomethingsUp said:


> I think I've just been so fearful of the unknown, to start my life over


The unknown is awesome. There is a world of opportunities and possibilities out there waiting for you to cut the tether from that useless fool and move on. It is not starting your life over. It is the continuation and progression of your life and you should be super excited about it.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> No he is not. He is absolutely useless. You are giving him way too much credit. The only thing he has going for him as *Catherine602* has mentioned is his luck in finding a woman with such low self esteem and little self-respect that she thinks he is worthwhile. That's how his type operate. No self-respecting, confident woman would accept him or his behaviour.
> 
> 
> You don't need courage. You should be jubilant at the prospect of a better, more joyful life ahead.
> ...


Thank you, I need counseling, something is definitely wrong with me to not see what you've said here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rooting for you and praying for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you, I need counseling, something is definitely wrong with me to not see what you've said here.


You've been married for a quarter century. Your feelings and history won't disappear overnight. In fact it's likely what has kept you taking him back.

The other is your own sense of worth, how you view and value yourself.

The reasons for poor self-image are vast. It could be rooted in childhood, past relationships, abuse or a random comment by a passing stranger.

Whenever someone mistreats you, does or says something hurtful or behaves in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself, it affects your self-esteem and self worth, especially if you're not particularly self-assured and confident.

If this happens over time you subconsiously start to believe all of these negative things about yourself and actually come to expect and accept the mistreatment because on some level you feel it is what you deserve.

It may take you a while to improve your emotional and psychological well-being but that shouldn't keep you stagnat. Take steps in improving your life.

The first would be exorcising that massive turd that is masquerading as person that you're married to from your life. Seek legal counsel and file for divorce.

Unless absolutely necessary (as in life or death) you should not contact him at all, do not initaite or take his calls or see him in person. If you have to communicate with him do it through text messages or email and only if it concerns financial, household or legal matters. Anyone that thinks that you should give your soon-to-be-ex another chance is beyond stupid and you should have them committed.

The next step involves taking care of yourself. Remove and reduce all stressors from your life. If it is something that causes you any form of pain, anxiety or makes you feel bad about yourself then it has no place in your life.

Exercise, eat healthy and sleep properly.

It is time for you to be selfish and think of only yourself and what you need. You've put others ahead of your wants and needs long enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married 45.5 years when I filed (my husband cheated for the second time). I had never lived alone. Everyone I knew was opposed to the divorce but I didn't care. I told all of them it was my life and I wanted the opportunity to be happy and at peace for my remaining time. Now I am. You can be too.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> And the mind movies of bringing a hooker to his room while out of town. Is it even possible to get over this????? I'm so angry and disgusted I could puke, I feel physically ill at times.




If you are like me, then the only way to get over it is to get rid of the cheater.

Ask yourself, do you want to try and move on with him knowing that you will look at his face from time to time and just want to scream, seeing the word "pr!ck" stamped across his forehead?

Life is too short, he needs to be dumped.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am praying for you. 

There really is nothing wrong with you. Good people meet selfish, sick and crazy-making people all the time. The deeply flawed would not survive without good people to plaque. You happened to have met a worthless man who took your goodness, compassion, empathy and capacity for love and forgiveness and twist it. If you were like him, he could not have been able to do it. 

Your hold on reality has been eroded by a long association with a sick man. You convinced yourself that you should not be among the living because you are worthless. All because of a man who is incapable of love and loyalty and darkens the lives of all but the people in the same gutter as he. 

How dare you destroy yourself and deprive people the pleasure of having you here in the would? 

What comes through the sound of your voice on the recording is a lovely bell. Your husband however, sounds like a used alcohol soaked rag. Listen to the recording again. Listen to your pure voice and the love in it. Then listen to the guttural utterances from a man whose brain has been destroyed by alcohol, sensual indulgence and disease. There is no love, just fear of losing a comfortable crash joint. 

You are fearful of the unknown? Of course you are, so am I. I don't face your challenges but, I also know I don't have your gifts. Do you know how I know? Listening to your voice and what you said on the recording. After a serious suicide attempt, weeks in a hospital, an alcohol problem, selfish children, and just 3 weeks latter, you still have something to give. Too bad you cannot bestow it on the person who needs it the most, you. 

If you could just see yourself and your potential for a minute, you would walk away with your heard up excited about the future. Whoever told you that this is all you deserve was wrong. Was it a parent that treated you like you didn't deserve the best? Whoever they were, please take the real and worthwhile person you are by the hand and lead her to a better life. 

It's there waiting for you. You go to church and read the Bible? Read this when you are fearful of the future. It's Matthew 21:21

"Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done."

I know you can do it, I can hear it in your voice. It will be one of the most difficult things you have ever done because you are not accustomed to acting in your own interest. It will be slow and you will need to use all of your considerable strength. You'll look back in one year and see the hell you kept yourself in and wonder why you waited so long. Blessings to you and your family.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Locke.Stratos said:


> You've been married for a quarter century. Your feelings and history won't disappear overnight. In fact it's likely what has kept you taking him back.
> 
> The other is your own sense of worth, how you view and value yourself.
> 
> ...


Wish I could like this a hundred times.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SomethingsUp

I have read parts of your story and this thread. This thread alone has compelled me to respond as I have tears in my eyes reading this. I have no advice for you, I can't offer anything to help the mind movies, anger, and pain that you feel. I can only tell you that nobody deserves to be treated the way you have been. In your posts you come across as a person who would be an honor to call a friend. I have so much respect for you from the posts that I have read, the strength you have to carry on each day is amazing. I know I couldn't if I were in your shoes. The abuse and pain you have endured is huge, it has knocked you down, but your perseverance and strength makes you rise back up. Your self esteem and confidence may be vulnerable at the moment but I have no doubt you will gain them back. I can only offer you supprt and prayers during this difficult time for you. Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are so many sane, strong, thoughtful, caring voices on this thread, SomethingsUp.

I hope you will take the advice to heart. I realize this is a virtual experience for you, but there are real people behind these comments who want to see you through to a better life for yourself. (Strangers helping strangers; strangers who understand for whom the bell tolls.)

We all need the love and support of others. Your WH is simply not in the group of people who truly love and support you. He is selfish and detached from you. The real 'him' is what his OW sees. What you have is a worthless shadow of the life you and your children had with him before he created his other life away from you.

I think you need to accept this now. He has dragged you into the morass of his lying, cheating, and prostitution filth. You should never be a part of that. Let him sink to whatever depth he needs to, but save yourself.

There is a poster here who says that he got through his worst days by repeating the mantra, 'I deserve good things.' Try this. You need to find the strength to reject his lies, deceptions, and hurt.

Please do this for yourself.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Thanks for all your replies, I got up the courage yesterday and took the final papers my lawyer wanted from me to her. I needed to bring her the asset/liability list, I finished it a while ago and was procrastinating because of what my H was saying to me, begging me not to go through with it. He even promised me he was going to quit his job.

Yesterday when I was on the highway headed to the city (to see my lawyer) and my H saw me as he was on the highway on his way towards home. I panicked and drove faster but he had turned around and caught up to me. He followed me right to my lawyers office, but I got out and ran in to deliver the papers. He was out of his truck and by my vehicle when I came out, he again begged me to not go through with things and said he quit his job this morning. I told him I didn't care now, just leave me alone, he wouldn't, he followed me back to my vehicle and when I got in, he wouldn't let me close my door, he kept saying he quit his job for me. Finally I threatened to call the police if he didn't let me close the door so I could go. 

He finally did and I went to an AA meeting in the city at lunch time. I got to the meeting 10 mins early so maybe I could talk to someone about what just happened this morning and I was able to do that. This was at 11:50 AM, the meeting started at 12. At 12:05 my H walked in and sat down on another couch there by some guy. When they were going around sharing and it came to my H's turn, he for the first time ever shared. Said he was an alcoholic and had a drinking problem. OMG WTF??? 

Now think about this, had he not spotted me on the highway he wouldn't have been there at all!!!! He is stooping this low now to have me fall for his BS. 

After the meeting I bolted so he couldn't find me when I left and went to work, had some sales calls in the city to do in the afternoon. I have to post more later, he's up now.

But he did lie to me again, he did not quit his job!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Remember, it's going to be hard to stay the course. He knows what buttons to push to get you to give him another chance. The lie about the job was a fishing expedition. If you took the bait, he would know he had nothing to worry about and you were still on the hook. 

He is going to escalate. As you pull away and gain strength and independence, he is going to tell bigger lies to pull you in. When you don't respond as he thought you would, he may get angry, threatening and vindictive. So be prepared and protect yourself. 

It may seem easier to just give in. At those times, think of what he did in the past and dream of your new bright future.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SomethingsUp said:


> But he did lie to me again, he did not quit his job!


As I was reading that he said he quit his job, I immediately thought that that was a lie, that he was manipulating as usual.

And then, here it was. Of course he didn't quit. And the OW and his other, more real, life is up there where his job is.

He wants you on side so that things can go back to the way they were. He was always able to pull the wool over your eyes. He will keep trying unless you stick to your guns. I hope you do.

He is a cake eater, SomethingsUp. You are the respectable wedding cake and his life with his job and OW are the cake that he found in the dumpster.

I really, really hope that you maintain your strength. Keep trying to force yourself to detach. You deserve a better life.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> Now think about this, had he not spotted me on the highway he wouldn't have been there at all!!!! He is stooping this low now to have me fall for his BS.





SomethingsUp said:


> But he did lie to me again, he did not quit his job!





alte Dame said:


> I immediately thought that that was a lie, that he was manipulating as usual


Now that he sees that you actually do have the strength to follow through and move on he will resort to whatever lies and forms of manipulation he can use to keep you from leaving him. His words and efforts may seem sincere so prepare yourself so as to not be fooled again.

You have to steel your resolve and be strong. Keep in mind that it is okay to be apprehensive, scared, nostalgic and have doubts or second thoughts. I've been where you are and it's all part of finally letting go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't expect him to give up. He's used to manipulating you. It's worked in the past so he will keep trying. Over and over because he's sure he can say the right thing eventually. 

I know this is hard. It will take a lot of strength to get through it but never doubt that you can do it.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

People will always used what has worked for them in the past. Stay the course and stay with your meetings.

You should be very proud of yourself!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

SomethingsUp said:


> When they were going around sharing and it came to my H's turn, he for the first time ever shared. Said he was an alcoholic and had a drinking problem. OMG WTF???
> 
> Now think about this, had he not spotted me on the highway he wouldn't have been there at all!!!! He is stooping this low now to have me fall for his BS.


I think maybe there is another possibility here that a lot of us may not be considering. You are right that your husband was probably a very talented manipulator, a liar, a cheater, etc. I'm guessing that in many ways he became those things because, for various reasons, he felt that he could get away with it, maybe he didn't receive any consequences for his actions in the past, he never thought that you would actually give up on him, etc. I bet all of that is true.

But don't assume that this means some people can't experience a wake up call when the dire reality of the situation and the stakes involved are finally made plain to them loud and clear. Could some of the efforts he is making and things he has been saying his desperate attempts to "manipulate you back into line?" Yes that's possible, but these are also the exact type of actions a desperate man would take who is has suddenly realized how dire his marriage has become and doesn't want to lose it, who realizes that beneath all the nonsense over the years, he really does love her and is now willing to throw everything to the wind in a last minute attempt to save the sinking ship.

This sort of thing DOES happen. We see it every now and then on TAM, I've read articles and chapters about it from psychologists. Basically, it's a man who has finally grasped what it was that his wife was wanting him to understand for years but couldn't properly get through to him. (Women have a terrible habit of believing they can speak to their husbands the way they do to women, indirectly.) Once a man has had this wake-up call, this realization, sometimes they don't care enough to put up the effort required to try to save the marriage, but often times that is the very first time they even understand what they've needed to do all along.

I know this personally too because I have been there. I drove my wife to the edge, she walked out the door, I engaged in all the desperate shows of action that I could think of to show her I'd figured it out, etc. But by then her heart had hardened (an understandable defensive measure) and she couldn't view my actions in any other way aside from complete and total distrust, just as some of us here are. So you said, "OMG WTF??" well that was him trying to show you that he is willing to throw away his pride and admit to anyone that he's got a problem, that he has been wrong all along. You asserted that he never would have made any such efforts that day if he didn't see you going to the lawyer, but I would suggest that it might not be true, as it sounds like he was getting pretty desperate before that. But who knows really.



SomethingsUp said:


> But he did lie to me again, he did not quit his job!


As for this, maybe there are more details than what you have shared, but I bet he has every intention of quitting his job if he thinks it will help prove to you that he's committed. Maybe he had a conversation that morning about transferring elsewhere, or giving some kind of notice, but is still officially employed. Maybe it was just a desperation lie, knowing that if you had responded to it that he would go make it true right away. (Still bad, but not as bad?) In any case, he was also probably afraid of just quitting up front if he didn't know if it would help earn him another chance with you or not, because after all, if there really is nothing he can do to possible save the marriage, then that would be a really bad time to be unemployed, right? I can understand him being fearful of that.



Locke.Stratos said:


> Now that he sees that you actually do have the strength to follow through and move on he will resort to whatever lies and forms of manipulation he can use to keep you from leaving him. His words and efforts may seem sincere so prepare yourself so as to not be fooled again.
> 
> You have to steel your resolve and be strong. Keep in mind that it is okay to be apprehensive, scared, nostalgic and have doubts or second thoughts. I've been where you are and it's all part of finally letting go.


See, here's the lousy part. No, you can't really know if your husband's desperate efforts are genuinely geared towards fixing his own issues and saving the marriage, or just tricking you. I'm far more inclined to believe the former however. The problem is, as you are feeling and Locke is reinforcing, the years of heartache and struggling to get through to your husband and constantly feeling betrayed, hurt, beaten down, disrespected, etc., has caused you to harden your heart towards him. This is a perfectly reasonable response. After all, he can't hurt you if you've girded yourself towards rejecting him and running away full speed. Heck, any effort he makes now will just make you angrier and more determined, because it will hurt to see that effort from him now AFTER all the damage has been done, and you are afraid of allowing him the chance to potentially hurt you again.

Unfortunately, you've probably not been this direct with him about the consequences of his actions ever before, so it's only now that he's able to finally figure everything out. If that's the case, as I suspect it is, it might be too late because you might not be able to risk being vulnerable to him again at this point, which is terribly unfortunate.

Again I know all of this from personal experience, I put my wife through hell and when I finally figured it all out, she was gone and wouldn't come back. Ultimately I realized that no combination of words or dramatic acts (confessing to being an alcoholic at an AA meeting or racing after you down a highway on the way to a lawyer, for instance) would have any impact on her whatsoever. She was beyond willing to give me a chance, she fully believed that every word and every act I made was purely a show, just more manipulation, lies, etc. That if she gave me another chance, things would be better for a short time and then fall right back into old habits. It took several years of actual long term actions for her to finally open back up to me and trust me again. I can look back and realized how much of a bozo I was, but I clearly remember what it was like in that moment.

So I'm not saying you owe your husband another chance, because you certainly don't and his desperate last minute antics haven't earned that. I would suggest however that, privately, you keep a close eye on his actions and expressions now and in the near future before a final divorce court date, and see if he is showing signs of genuine remorse, genuine effort in a positive direction. Never tell him you're open to it, but maybe just keep a somewhat open mind from a distance and see if it's possible that he might surprise you. That's all.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think he is still in contact with the OW. He still has his job and the life that he has become accustomed to up north. She is an integral part of that. He has been with her a long time now and you have no way of checking that there is NC, do you?

I'm sorry, but I think you have to guard your heart now and stick to your guns.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

I can't post all the details yet or respond to my replies here tonight because H is not far away. I will in the morning though, just wanted to report the H got fired today from his job. They called him in for a meeting this morning in the city and let him go, he said they didn't give him a reason, just that his contract was up and they want to go in another direction. I believe it was over the affair he had with his co-worker that I revealed in a letter a month ago to the board. I'm sure I'll find out the truth in time.

Will post more in the AM. This changes a lot, I am scared about it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Does your husband know that you sent a letter to the board?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> He even promised me he was going to quit his job.


Oh. Well, then this shouldn't have been a huge deal...



SomethingsUp said:


> ...the H got fired today from his job.


...right?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

wish you the best of all .

What you are going through is really hard ;
Proceed with D and give him a lesson , he deserves it 

I am not going to influence you ,please don't misunderstand me ,
How was your intimate life with him before the affair ?

just to give you an example my wife denied me from sex for years because she doesn't love it ; I attempted to cheat but failed (gratefully).

I escaped on the big event with The OW ; came to my wife and confessed to her ; though she will never now at 5000 miles away ...

having your hubby cheat on you for a long period is an awfull thing .


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Somethingsup. 

If you are going to D your husband. I suggest you don't do anything that would ruin his ability to make money. If he is not making money you could get hit with unwanted alimony etc...

I am sorry you are here and you are doing a great job moving forward.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is not so good. SU, is he acting pitiful and needy with the expectation that you need to rescue him by not D'ing? If so, I imagine it is difficult for you to proceed with no contact and getting him out of your life. You are a kind caretaker. May I suggests that you resist responding to his pitifulness? 

It's sad that he lost you, and his job because of alcohol abuse and cheating. It may be an opportunity for him to make a new life for himself, without you as a crutch. 

Assuming that you may be wavering, remember how you were treated just 3 days after leaving the hospital after your suicide attempt and drying out. I don't suggest you play tit-for-tat but, give as much as you get. You can't afford to take on more caregiving when you need some yourself. 

This serves two purposes, first, you value yourself by not getting pulled into a drama that someone else created. You need relief from turmoil. Your husband needs to learn consequences and to appreciate what he has. Maybe he will learn. Don't stand in his way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Listen to lady Catherine. Sooo hoping and praying that you extricate yourself without more pain. I haven't posted because many have already given you good advise but know that I and many care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Does your husband know that you sent a letter to the board?


Oh yes he does, told him I was going to do this before I did it too.
Here's the letter, I edited a lot of the personal info, I sent it January 8, 2015. I seriously thought nothing had happened about over it till yesterdays meeting. He's not upset at all that he lost his job btw, he's saying to me that it feels like a weight has been lifted off of him. I'm so confused.

*January 8, 2015



To: The Board of Directors

Re: H's name – Alcohol and Drug addiction.


To whom this may concern,

My name is xxxxxx, I am xxxxxxx's wife, my reason for writing to you today sadly is my concern for my husbands health and welfare. My husband has a serious drug and alcohol addiction problem and I've tried to address this issue by myself with him as his wife but he refuses to get help for it.

He has been engaging in very risky behaviour that not only has jeopardized our marriage but both his and my health. While on a recent trip to Winnipeg with xxxxx for the Tru Serve buying show using company resources, he paid for the services of a prostitute and brought her to his hotel room. This was told to me by xxxxxx and then (H) finally admitted to this to me. I will provide proof of this in this email. There is a high risk of sexually transmitted diseases these days, so this caused me a great deal of pain and fear as his wife. He also put himself in danger. 

Also, over the last couple of years, I've had suspicions of something more then just a working relationship was going on between (H) and an employee (OW) who worked with him in the office at the store up until April of this year, 2014. My reasons for this is (H) has had her to our home at Candle Lake two years ago while I was at work. I came home unexpectedly and found them sitting around drinking alcohol in our home. This is when it started, my concerns about their relationship. (H) assured me nothing was going on, so I let it go. Then fast forward to this past year (2014) and I noticed a big change in (H) behaviour in our marriage when he came home from up north. 

He became secretive with his cell phone (leaving the home to talk on it), when I questioned him about this and asked to see his cell phone one evening he became belligerent with me after a short time of me looking through his phone he grabbed it back hitting me in the face with it, an argument broke out between us and I ended up calling the RCMP for assistance. This happened at the beginning of October, 2014 this year. They arrested (H) and took him to Nipawin for assault and kept him over night in jail, he has pending charges and a trial date set for March 11, 2015. 

After this happened, a couple of nights later, (H) returned to our home, we talked and tried to figure out where to go from what had happened. That evening when we were both sleeping his cell phone began to ring at 11:30 PM and kept ringing till 1:30 AM (It was on a charger in another room). I finally got up and went to answer it, I missed the call and called the number back, the number was the Quality Inn and Suites in Prince Albert, I didn't know who to ask for so I hung up, I then brought his phone to our bedroom and it rang again right away from the same number. I put the phone on speaker and woke (H) up to answer, it was (OW) calling him. She said she wanted him to come to the hotel to see her. It is my understanding that she does not work at the store anymore since April 2014, I concluded from this event that this was more then just a working relationship at that time. 

(I have proof of these calls on his cell phone bill). 
After this event with (OW), I decided to call Sasktel and set up online viewing of our cell phone bills. The archives go as far back as of June, 2013. I reviewed the bills and there are multiple calls over days and months from (H) personal cell phone to (OW) home #633-xxxx right up until the evening mentioned above (These are outgoing calls from (H) to her). There are also calls on the cell bill to another hotel (The Confederation Inn) in Saskatoon that I discovered that are from January 2014. The calls started on a Saturday evening at 10PM from (H) to (OW) who was staying there (H was at Wollaston at the time). The duration of the calls are 56 mins, 18 mins, 19 mins late into the evening over a span of 3 days.

This is more evidence in my opinion of something more then just a working relationship as she was still employed at the store. When I confronted (H) about the calls, he said he can't remember what they were about.

There is a lot more things going on but I believe I've divulged enough already for you to clearly see that (H) has some serious problems that I know are contributed to his drug and alcohol use. He has been jeopardizing himself, his family and place of work with these behaviours. I care about him and I love him and I just want him to get the help he needs. I too am a recovering alcoholic, I've been to treatment lately myself because my drinking escalated learning of these things that (H) was doing. I went to xxxxxxxx Retreat by xxxxx, Saskatchewan, I've talked to the owner, xxxxxxx and she said she could intake (H) on January 12, 2015 for the 5 week program. It's an amazing treatment centre and after being there myself, I can tell you they work miracles. I hope you can help me get the help for (H) because he is a good man deep down that I'm sure you want back from his addictions along with our family. 

Here is the website for the treatment centre:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Thank you for your time and for caring about my husband and father of our children, if you have any questions for me, please give me a call.


Sincerely,

Mrs. xxxxxxx
Phone: xxxxxxx
Cell: xxxxxxxxx



*I've included an audio I recorded to prove that (H) really needs our help. I wasn’t comfortable doing this but I didn't know what else to do. 



*


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh. Well, then this shouldn't have been a huge deal...
> 
> 
> 
> ...right?


I don't know yet, he was forced out, it wasn't something he did on his own.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Zouz said:


> wish you the best of all .
> 
> What you are going through is really hard ;
> Proceed with D and give him a lesson , he deserves it
> ...


Our relationship was fine in my mind up until approx 2-3 years ago, when the affair started. You have to realize he spent way more time with the OW then with me, they worked together 8 hours a day side by side in his office, then drank together after work. He spent more then half a year up north, then when he came home, I worked full time Mon-Fri on the road but was home every night and had weekends off. He spent way more time with her then he ever did with me.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> This is not so good. SU, is he acting pitiful and needy with the expectation that you need to rescue him by not D'ing? If so, I imagine it is difficult for you to proceed with no contact and getting him out of your life. You are a kind caretaker. May I suggests that you resist responding to his pitifulness?
> 
> It's sad that he lost you, and his job because of alcohol abuse and cheating. It may be an opportunity for him to make a new life for himself, without you as a crutch.
> 
> ...


I talked to my Mother last night and her advice was exactly like yours, she even talked to him. She told me to continue working on my self, I joined a step class that runs 15 weeks at AA every Thursday night plus I go to regular meetings during the week. I also work out daily (lost 35 LBS since this all started back in Oct. I'm a sz 6 today - been doing the 180 from the start) and my job is really busy. So I will see how things go I guess.

I told H and so did my Mother that he needs to go to his own meetings, not the ones I attend IF he wants to. He needs to do things for himself, I will get out of the way!!!!


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Sometimes I worry for you and then I read about you being totally bada$$ and I know you're going to be alright. You are capable of so much.

I'm glad that you're being active and proactive. These events and changes that are happening in your life, you shouldn't fear them. They're all necessary for the progression and evolution of your life and yourself, embrace them and move forward to a better future.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Sometimes I worry for you and then I read about you being totally bada$$ and I know you're going to be alright. You are capable of so much.
> 
> I'm glad that you're being active and proactive. These events and changes that are happening in your life, you shouldn't fear them. They're all necessary for the progression and evolution of your life and yourself, embrace them and move forward to a better future.


Thanks Locke, I am determined to get my life figured out one way or another, that's a promise I've made to myself by God's grace.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Something'sUp...

Do you have a plan on how you are moving forward now?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Something up ,

wish you are fine , you are a good wife and deserve the best ; the most important now is that you stand by your feet and get more and more independant ; You need to detach completly ; is he still around ?


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Zouz said:


> Something up ,
> 
> wish you are fine , you are a good wife and deserve the best ; the most important now is that you stand by your feet and get more and more independant ; You need to detach completly ; is he still around ?


I'll answer you and Movingahead now, I didn't have an answer before to your question. He's been home now since Feb 9, just 2 1/2 weeks, feels like the longest I've seen him in years btw. I've been like a roller coaster emotionally, knowing he's not going back. Up until it wasn't his decision any more about his job, they let him go, he was waffling on a decision to quit work. So I question where we'd be today if they hadn't made the decision for him. 

Now comes the question about why they let him go, he said they didn't give him a reason. I don't understand this, after 7 years??? The only thing I can come up with is they verified what I said in the letter to them. All they had to do was talk to one person, his asst manager for that. And now the asst manager has gone NC with H, and they were good friends aside from work (that's really telling IMO). H still 100% denies he had a PA with that women he worked with, which I don't believe at all, so that means he's still lying to me today. 

So where does this leave me, well I'm getting angrier and feeling more resentful towards him every day that he's been home. I haven't stopped anything with my lawyer, the legal separation papers are still being drawn up, so I'm most likely at this point going to carry through with divorcing him. I can't be with someone that's has secrets with another women. It's as simple as that.


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