# Curious...



## Starshine1985 (10 mo ago)

Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal? 

I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman. 

Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


Why do some women cheat on their husbands? Why do some men cheat on their same sex partners? Why do some women cheat on their same sex partners?

This is a very complex issue.

I agree on your point about ruining a marriage. It takes two to _*run*_ a marriage. But only one to *ruin* it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some men, for whatever reason, have a very strong sense of entitlement. They think they should have whatever they want. I was married to one of those for decades. I stayed because I believed in our marriage and I believed him when he said he would change. He didn’t and I finally got out. He fought the divorce, swearing he loved only me, until he realized I was serious and then he immediately began the process of replacing me (his AP wasn’t wife material apparently). He remarried the moment the divorce was final and then he became someone else’s problem. Thankfully, not all men are like him.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Generally speaking, men and women cheat for very different reasons.

Men frequently cheat just to have fun and try something new...just like what happens in the animal kingdom.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


If there is no reason within the marriage for a man to believe he is unloved by the wife, like affection being withheld or words of affirmation, some men are just greedy. They want a +1, or more, over other men. They get a kick out of having sex with other men's wives and knowing that they took away something from that man permanently that cannot be compensated adequately through any amount of money or anything.

It's really just a carry over of a bullying mindset that the adulterer has had all his life.
For the man, he's not thinking of his wife. He's pretty much thinking sex and how taking another man's wife gives him dominance over that man.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?


Yes. They believe that as long as they are giving her a “free” place to live and food and clothing and “giving” “her” children (they’re not his children until he needs to use them against her) that he is the man, she is his submissive and what he says goes. They don’t “love” their wives. They love having a maid and cook and plan B sex at home. They love having a slave and a brood mare. They love the facade of stability and maturity. They’re selfish, liars and users. 

The fact is, there are simply some really bad people out there. For every example of a man who does this and thinks this way, you’ll have the same number of women who play games and use men and cheat and treat them like dirt. Those people are usually pretty clever and they will fool you. If you discover you’ve attached yourself to one of them, RUN and take back the rest of your life. Don’t give him (or her) another second of your heart, because they’ve already taken more than they deserve. Put them in your rear view mirror, give your heart some time to heal, and don’t let them make you bitter. They preyed on you because YOU are a good person. They’re the ones with the problem, not you. They’re nothing but something you had to go through on your life’s journey, they don’t define you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> They don’t “love” their wives


This 100%.
Love means something different to men or women with cheating hearts.

The reason why varies but in the end the WS thinks they love the BS but its not love as you and I know it. No person in real love could do that to their spouse.

I would say the same thing of the abuser who “really really loves his wife”.
Yea right, not like any love I know.

Ive read stories here where the WS becomes completely remorseful and even years later is a model SO. I think that remorse only comes when there is awareness of what they have done to their SO and they realize how wrong they have been. In that case, they essentially change their definition of love to match the BS. (Not that would trust that mind you!)

Tough question, it’s a good topic I think. Plenty of therapists have made bank trying to figure that one out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> Generally speaking, men and women cheat for very different reasons.
> 
> Men frequently cheat just to have fun and try something new...just like what happens in the animal kingdom.


In the animal kingdom it's about producing young.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


I agree with you and MattMatt.

I find it highly disturbing when people cheat. It seems like guys had the corner on the market years ago and that women have caught up and viciously as well.

If you love someone, IMO, you don't cheat. And if you cheat, you have no expectation for them to stay though some do out of love or weakness.

I agree. I'd rather be living on Fisherman's Wharf in SF eating cold shrimp rather than being beholden to a cheat.

I agree with MattMatt. It takes 2 to 'run' a marriage, only one to ruin it. The BS may not be perfect but they didn't cause the cheating and the WS needs to fix their 4hit.


The cheater is always at fault


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


They do it because they're sexually greedy and some of them do it to get validation that they're attractive. They shouldn't ever have gotten married if that's how they are, and there are quite a few people like that. And yes, some men think all they should have to do to be able to keep a woman is let her do everything except bring home the biggest paycheck. And sadly, once a woman is trapped with children and no income of her own, sometimes that works for them.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


Nothing trumps betrayal. Nothing can mend it.
But and don´t ask me how I know, not only men betray.



Openminded said:


> Some men, for whatever reason, have a very strong sense of entitlement.


True and would be even truer for "some men and some women".


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> This 100%.
> Love means something different to men or women with cheating hearts.
> No person in real love could do that to their spouse.


Ask one of them why they love their spouse. They’ll answer with “she keeps the house clean and waits on me” or “he gives me money.” It’s never about the person but rather about what they do for them. That whole “submissive wife” thing is all about selfishness. So is the “provider” thing. It’s all “what have you done for me lately.” It’s not love.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.


Me too.

I gave up A LOT when I divorced my first husband after finding out he cheated.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Ego. All men are driven by ego. Some can't fill that ego by being a good partner and father. Those men will NEVER be faithful.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


While I'm only speaking from MY experience... someone commented to your post saying they don't love their wives... That is soooooo true! When I asked my now ex husband what he loved about me (while we were going through our split), he said your support and your loyalty... you can't buy that anywhere. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, he was already 1 foot out the door with his coworker that he moved into his new place, while pretty much leaving me homeless.

A man that TRULY loves his SO won't do the things to hurt them. He shows her not just by words, but actions, how much she means to him. He knows that out there, no one compares to the partner he has... and he knows there are many others out there.

My boyfriend said it to me this way:

I (he) have a laptop, I can go out there and see newer laptops, faster laptops, but they're not MY laptop. Silly, but it cracked me up and I said, awwwwww ❤ you're my laptop, too!

You're still hurting from your posts... but time does heal, also working on oneself. I came across a podcast I've been listening to and she is amazing.. Her name is Michelle Panning, it's called Unf%$# Your Relationship. Perhaps it can also help you, or even others here to gain a different perspective and your healing journey. 😉


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

What people say and what people do are often very different things.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> In the animal kingdom it's about producing young.


Humans are driven by the same evolutionary forces.

That's why women generally look for men who can provide resources and men generally look for youth and femininity (fertility cues). Its been this way for 1,000s of years.

Read Sex At Dawn.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Humans are driven by the same evolutionary forces.
> 
> That's why women generally look for men who can provide resources and men generally look for youth and femininity (fertility cues). Its been this way for 1,000s of years.
> 
> Read Sex At Dawn.



Humans are certainly a result of the same evolutionaty process as all species.
And we souldn´t forget our origins.
But evolutionary forces are strongly adaptative by interaction with enviroment.
And we humans had built a special niche, a social one.
Provided that being social is part of what MADE us to become humans....we souldn´t forget our origins.
Consider please also that adaptative forces use to take the form of some kind of specialization.
But a conditional one. Like the auto adaptative inmune system capable of learning works better than an older built in one (since about 80 million years ago).
Being so, it seems that (not realy but may seem) the paradoxical nature of human specialization is being less specializated.
So, within restraints, we choose. Not always according to our biology or not in a plain inconditional way.
Our love is, yes, written with the same "symbols" that any other mammal with an emotional Mammalian cortex.
But we seem to also write more complex stories with those same symbols.
Includding the ones of us that choose to enjoy monogamous couples, so if they are "natural" or they are not.
And that´s good.

By the way, Evolutionary Psichology haves better and less pupose biased books than Sex At Dawn..


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


It definitely does not take two to ruin a marriage Just go listen to SSM or Better Bachelor the amount of stories they come across from women who say they had a match made in heaven or the perfect partner yet still they Cheated Because they wanted to try the other side of the fence, Not the slightest thought about the fact they will ruin their marriage and are now begging to get back with their spouse.
Personally for me if they find it that easy to just step out of the marriage then they can stay out permanently I am better off without them. Also Please act Right, Raule shows just how sadistic Modern women actually are because a lot of them plan this lifestyle as they are marrying someone and then blame it on anything but the real reason they cheated.


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## Anyj (9 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Why do some women cheat on their husbands? Why do some men cheat on their same sex partners? Why do some women cheat on their same sex partners?
> 
> This is a very complex issue.
> 
> I agree on your point about ruining a marriage. It takes two to _*run*_ a marriage. But only one to *ruin* it.


DITTO

I'm tired of hearing that. My wife either had integrity and lost it or never had it. 

...and I had something to do with her lack of integrity now? She can't even explain why yet. It's n to like I haven't had plenty of opportunities for the past dozen years. I just declined all offers. All of them.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anyj said:


> She can't even explain why yet.


The "why" question has been answered _ad nauseum_ on this forum. You won't like the answer. Welcome, by the way.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I have to agree that it only takes one to ruin the marriage. Even in retrospect, I don't believe I contributed. In my situation, imo, H is having a midlife crisis and thinks he can stay young by picking up a 20 year old (he's 50) Old fool syndrome. Sometimes both contribute and sometimes it is just one pos. It does take 2 to work on a marriage however. You would never treat someone you love this way.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Anyj said:


> DITTO
> 
> I'm tired of hearing that. My wife either had integrity and lost it or never had it.
> 
> ...and I had something to do with her lack of integrity now? She can't even explain why yet. It's n to like I haven't had plenty of opportunities for the past dozen years. I just declined all offers. All of them.


The cheating is fully on her. The why is because she wanted to.... she wanted to enjoy it. It made her feel good. Once you realize she is a cheater, you might want to look back at those 12 years... this might just be the 1st time she got caught.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW?


Because they want to, it's that simple and it applies to anyone who does that not just men.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do some men cheat on their wives who they proclaim to love and hardly ever leave the marriage for the OW? Do they really think by providing for their family they can step out and that trumps betrayal?
> 
> I'd rather live in a dump, panhandling than contend that my husband was inside another woman.
> 
> Also, why is it that people say that it takes two to ruin a marriage. That if a spouse cheated then the BS needs to make changes as to why the WS stepped out. What if the BS did nothing to contribute to the cheating and there's nothing to evaluate about what they did wrong?


Now you understand why men don't want a woman other men have been inside yet women try to shame them for this constantly and the vast majority of men are good but those top 10 or 15% of Chads and Tyrone's are the ones all women or 80% of women are chasing. In a lot of cases the spouse did not do anything to cause the cheating. 
If a wife is being a real wife to a man one that compliments him and is not causing strife or drama or always testing him then she will find he will not leave her for anyone unless he is totally dumb.
Lots of cheaters today are very happy in their marriage but cheat because they can, according to what they tell us. Sick I know but this is not me saying this but cheaters who have said it to Lawyer and counsellors, These are people that have issues that need fixing and should not be in a marriage until they fix themselves.
Listening to Lawyers explain some of the crazy expectations of mostly wives as they are the majority filing for divorce 80% of the 60% of marriages that fail and the reasons they give would turn your hair white.
Todays humans think because the lustful actions of the Honeymoon period start to fade they have fallen out of love and when they meet someone who give them that lustful feeling again they think they are in love with that other person.
Love doesn't work Like that after the lustful period things settle into a more mature caring respectful and cooperative phase of life then you grow together from their but not the humans of today they run for the hills as soon as a problem crops up.
Life is a constant challenge and if you have a partner who faces those challenges with you then you have someone you should never let go under any circumstances.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

A cheater (male or female) will say, "I strayed, but I love you...it meant nothing. I still love you." What they DO NOT say out loud is, "I love you, but I love myself more." 

And that really is the seat of it. Maybe they think they love the other person, but they love their own wants, desires, lusts and needs even more than their significant other. The other person never really plays into their mind at all when they are looking to meet their own desires.


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