# Tired of Trying



## toolate4me (Dec 16, 2008)

I found this forum and need to get this situation out to people that don't know me for some advice. I have been married to my husband for 12 years, together for 16 years, known each other for 25 years. We lived together for the first 4 years. He has 2 kids from previous marriage (has been married 2x, I am #3) and I have 2 kids from previous marriage (this is my 2nd marriage). we have 1 child in common who is 9. I was aware of his controlling and other issues but always made excuses for his behavior and felt that if I could make him happy, he would change (I know, mistake). As time went on, his controlling and yelling at the kids continued and became irrational such as not letting the kids shower even as teens in high school, calling them names, and threatening physical violence and finally carrying it out. I never went anywhere with friends or family without him because I did not want to listen to him yell at me if I went. I buried my head in the sand essentially enabling him to be like this. He was rude to people that came to our house. About 5 years ago, I caught him with another woman at the mall. He swore nothing went on and I worked on forgiving him, and I went to counseling because he would not go. He continued to verbally abuse the kids and get into altercations with them. Finally last year, I had enough. I was tired of doing everything that he wanted. I realized that I enjoyed things better when he was not around and that I had more fun with the children and that they had more fun with him gone. I began to look forward to times that he would have to work late or go out of town with car racing. I had tried to talk to him several times in the past, suggesting counseling to help us communicate, and his response was always that he refused to go to counselor, that if I wanted out to file divorce papers and divide our stuff. I kept begging him to work on things with me, that I was not perfect, and that talking to someone could help us. Last year when I had my awakening that I could not live like this anymore and that I could not have my kids live through this anymore, I told him that I was done and that I found that I could be a better parent away from him. He then went through all sorts of motions trying to be better, begging for another chance, apologizing, asking me to just give him some time to prove to me that he can change. Well I did that, gave him time and during that time he choked his daughter, got into a fight with my son, and made the 9 year old hate him. So after all of that I said that I was done and was filing for divorce. Once again he said please give him a chance, went to a counselor, and went to a clinic to get on psych meds because they said he needed them. So we gave him yet another chance and during that time, he ended up putting a hole in the wall in the hall, breaking a bedroom door, and throwing a newspaper at his daughter because she did not drop what she was doing (cleaning her room) to pick up something from the living room for him. Child agencies and police have been contacted about his behavior and they never did anything. So I finally filed for the divorce. So once again he goes to a new doc, new counselor, and new psychiatrist and gets on new meds because he was never on the right ones before. He said his counselor told him that I should give him a chance because he has not had the right treatment until now. I said that he was aware of his problems (he was) and yet continued his behavior. I am tired of battling but now I am feeling that I am not being fair and that once again I should give him a chance, forget about the years of abuse, and work things out because he is trying. The problem is that I don't have the energy, feelings, or patience to do it because of the lengthy history of his behavior. Am I wrong? Should I be reconsidering this even though all of the kids told me to get rid of him because they can't live like they do? Am I just being selfish because I am worn out after years of control and just want some freedom and peace? Any advice?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am not really sure what compels you to stay. But you are as much of an abuser as he is. Allowing him to abuse the children and doing nothing to protect them is abuse, too. You are an accomplice to this abuse.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

so far...gimme a count...how many "one more chances" have there been? next one's the last one. no matter what...if he f's up, he's out...tell him that. put some consequences to his actions. and buy a wrought iron frying pan, and bash him (figuratively) over the head next time he chokes anyone. ummm...officer...he mustve slipped...watch how quick they "believe" you ;-)


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I think you already know what to do and are just looking for validation. File for divorce and get him out of the house. This is dangerous for you and your children. Don’t contemplate it or rationalize it, just do it. I don’t know how you’ve managed this long and deserver much better. You will be happier without him. Good luck.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I agree too. It is your responsibility to protect those innocent children. Do you want them to grow up and think this is normal? Surely not, so please I strongly encourage you to get out. If he makes changes and they last for over a year, I would consider rebuilding a friendship with him. I would never under any circumstances allow him to place a hand on my child.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I was abused by my step father for many years. I will say that it has messed me up beyond what you could possibly imagine. The abuse stopped when I was 12, and at 31 I still have dreams of being beat. I now have trouble connecting with my wife because I never felt loved or cared for by the one person who was supposed to care for me, my mother. 

You need to recognize that you are damning your children to a life that they do not deserve. I would not wish what I have to deal with on anyone. I have spent many hours in therapy trying to deal with the messed up things that have happened to me.

You need to be strong, and leave. Think of how your children will think of you. You stood up to the someone that hurts them. YOU need to be the one to protect them. I can tell you first hand, that he will not change if he hasn't already. Every chance you give him is another scar you are giving your children.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

The others are right, you need to protect your kids first, then help your husband.

Meds aren't going to help him, as his body doesn't have a deficiency of prosac or whatever other medication they're giving him. His issues are much deeper than what meds can take care of, it's his core values and beliefs. This doesn't mean he can't be helped, but he's going to have to want to be helped. He needs leverage to change from being destructive and find new ways to live his life. Threatening to divource him has provided some leverage, but you need something last. Threatening to divource for leverage is not sustainable nor is it healthy. Find someone who can specialise in redefining a person's value system. Make sure they're getting lasting results with a 1 or 2 day (max) turn around (not a week, months or years), then do a consulation with them.

Much love.


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## supermom (Dec 19, 2008)

You are not overreacting, and should not work things out for HIM. I dont know why any counselor would pressure you to give an abusive man another chance regardless of mental illness. It is not your burden to carry.


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## toolate4me (Dec 16, 2008)

Thank you all for your posts. I know that I should go forward with this and hoped that he would move out when I served him with the divorce papers so that I can keep the house. I am the one who can afford the mortgage and we live in an area where the values have plummeted and owe more than what the house would sell for. He is still here, trying to hang on, trying to do the right things, trying to be nice. 

How do you leave a marriage when the person is now behaving the way that they should have all along? It is easy to file for divorce and check out of the marriage when the person is being a jerk, but how do you do it when they are being nice? Do you just keep thinking about all of the past hurts so you can stay mad at the person? :scratchhead:


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

toolate4me said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I know that I should go forward with this and hoped that he would move out when I served him with the divorce papers so that I can keep the house. I am the one who can afford the mortgage and we live in an area where the values have plummeted and owe more than what the house would sell for. He is still here, trying to hang on, trying to do the right things, trying to be nice.
> 
> How do you leave a marriage when the person is now behaving the way that they should have all along? It is easy to file for divorce and check out of the marriage when the person is being a jerk, but how do you do it when they are being nice? Do you just keep thinking about all of the past hurts so you can stay mad at the person? :scratchhead:


You don't have to keep thinking about the past hurts. Just think about all the second chances he received and that even then he couldn't make it right. Or you can let him continue to be nice and wait until he needs another chance. I am not a divorce advocate at all, but he would have to make LOTS of changes-not just be nice-before I would consider staying.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You’ve lived this nightmare for 12 years so you know best what he is like. He is likely on best behavior because you have forced his hand. Do you believe he will stay this way forever? Only you can make a wise assessment of this. Was this the kind of behavior that ended his first 2 marriages? If so, it is highly unlikely he will change and stay changed. If he will not leave the house, work with your attorney to get him out. If you stand strong and unwavering in ending the marriage, my guess is that his true personality will emerge and will validate your decision. Protect yourself and your kids and get him out.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Been there, done that. Finally left him, the kids and I were so much better off. He started doing everything right for months on end. It was hard for me to continue the divorce, but I did. I even cryed my eyes out in the court room waiting to see the judge. Now, 5 years later...he has been married and divorced again for the same reason. He is facing prison time for choking our son during a weekend visit. He really hasn't changed all that much. The "episodes" of anger and violence are just not as frequent. But everyone still has to walk on eggshells, and try to to be perfect around him. Now his 3rd wife (I was his 1st) is debating divorce. Just get out. IF he truely changes, you can always get back together with him, but he has done a lot of damage. Wait years before you even think of rekindling anything. Maybe even till the kids are raised and gone. Be sure before theres any type of "one more chance".


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

:iagree: with those above.

Now change your name to JustBeginning4Me as you go forward!


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## toolate4me (Dec 16, 2008)

I can't understand why this is such a struggle for me now to do this. I was divorced before and it was much easier for me to file and go through with it. Now with this situation I keep thinking about old good times, his family, and the amount of time that I have invested in this so-called marriage and I am so confused, sometimes sad. I don't understand. It should be so clear to just move on considering what has gone on for over 10 years


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Divorce is rarely an easy thing to do and should be. It affects so many. You would rightfully be sad that your marriage has failed. But remember it is he that has failed, your marriage has failed but you have not failed. You hang onto this because that is part of your caring soul and another reason why you deserve some one better.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

toolate4me-

I am not going to suggest staying married or divorce. That's your choice. However, if you _do _allow him to stay, I think you must set things up so that two things happen.

1)A professional is monitoring the situation, and is in touch with both of you.

1)You need to have a line in the sand that he must not cross without consequences. The bar must be set really really low, so that it can act as an early warning system. For instance, if you decide that raising his voice is unacceptable, and that you will tell him off when he does so, then he knows your finger is on the pulse. If after telling him off, he gets louder - you know he is not going to make it, and you continue with the divorce proceedings.

Anything worse than your minimum line in the sand (my example was shouting) must trigger automatic divorce. Abusing the kids again is simply out of the question - instant divorce.

It would be a miracle if he can keep all this. I can't even promise not to shout in my house. It's just that I don't escalate beyond raising my voice. When I raise my voice I feel ashamed - so it's self limiting. 

He probably can't reach this level without special training. Sure he is on his best behaviour, but that alone will not sustain him. He needs professional experts on his case regularly, with a tailor-made programme that he must agree too.

The only good thing I see, is that by keeping him, you are preventing some other woman and children from going through this.

Even if you impose this system, he could still kill or injure one of you "out of the blue".
Sorry to be so tough - I had a violent stepfather who used to get worse when he took amphetamines. So I am a little biased.


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

Toolate4Me - looking back at the good times is inevitable. It is also extraordinary how when things are relatively peaceful we so easily "forget" the bad things that happened. I'm talking from my experience - never been battered as such, but have been spoken to in a way that has belittled me and pulled me down. And yet if someone asks me for a definite example, I find my mind has buried it in some unreachable corner and is pretending it's not there.

So often there are a wealth of redeeming qualities and it's possible to see all sorts of potential if only....

It's not going to be easy. You need to grieve for the good aspects that are there. But for the safety of you all, you need to get out. MarkTwain might declare a bias, but he is spot on. 

Let yourself grieve, but also remember the lightness you will feel when you are out of this situation and can let down you guard.


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