# How to hasten stages in recovery...need advice today!



## in_trouble (Sep 26, 2013)

Married 20 years. 2 kids.

For past 6 years I had been looking outside marriage for sex. Mainly ego, mainly to try something new (before marriage I was a virgin). First few years I signed up on match.com etc. Wife caught me on match.com through some email left accidently open. I promised never to do it again, begged her etc. 

Never did dating sites again

However for the past 2-3 years have been visiting escorts. Thought that is safe. Again ego, something new, try things wife won't do etc. Also had a 2-3 day fling.

Wife found out.

Not interested in leaving my present marriage. Love my family. 

How do I
a) What are the stages people go through - anger, denial, sad? How does it ebb and flow. Is there a typical pattern that I can sense.
b) Hasten the recovery. This is very recent. I am sorry doesn't work because of past experience. Hugging seems to work a little (or at least I think so). But I also don't want to make it so one-sided that I get on the loosing end of every argument
when wife brings it up everytime.

Am I approaching this the right way. I did not have an affair in my mind. I am also not interested right now in answering long term questions regarding whether i would do it again etc. Probably not but right now I would appreciate timely responses on (a) and (b).


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Yes, the stages of grief- anger, denial, and sad. 

You don't hasten a recovery from betrayal any more than you yell at your broken arm to heal more quickly. You've been a scoundrel- now the bill is here and you're just going to have to pay it.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

As someone who also trashed his life and screwed his wife over, let me tell you that you need to take a moment and get your head right. It sounds like you are trying to figure out the best way to make this all go away as soon as possible. I'll tell you right now, the only way to make it go away was to never have done it in the first place. It's not about making it go away, it's about changing yourself and fixing whatever it was inside you that allowed your infidelity to occur. Until you can look at yourself in the mirror and say with absolute certainty that you would rather die than be unfaithful again, you can't possibly convince her that you are worthy of trust and you shouldn't expect her to be able to "get over it."

You seem to be lacking remorse, so maybe start with that. Take some time to think about what you really got out of all of it (hopefully you will realize the answer is "nothing") versus what you have thrown away in the bargain (this should be a very long list) and then contemplate that you are the only one to blame.

This may sound harsh but your reality is pretty harsh right now. the climb back out of the hole you have dug is long and humiliating - for both you and your wife. You need to understand the depths of that hole and why you need to get out of it before you can ever make the climb. You'll be climbing with the full weight of your own guilt/shame and your wife's pain on your shoulders.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

in_trouble said:


> Married 20 years. 2 kids.
> 
> For past 6 years I had been looking outside marriage for sex. Mainly ego, mainly to try something new (before marriage I was a virgin). First few years I signed up on match.com etc. Wife caught me on match.com through some email left accidently open. I promised never to do it again, begged her etc.
> 
> ...


They say it takes up to 5 years to recover from the sort of betrayal you have subjected your BW to. The common stages are described as a roller coaster of anger, grief, sadness, and most importantly, indecision. You can expect her to be actively deciding whether you have killed her love for you forever. She is trying to figure that out. Given your attitude and your admission that you don't know whether you will cheat again, I think it's fair to say that she is deciding that you are not the man she thought she knew and loved. If you want her to decide to stay married to you, 'hastening' things should not be the issue; the issue should be doing whatever you can to help her heal from the terrible hurt you have caused.

One thing that you have to do is not sweep anything under the rug. You have to answer any and all questions she has and you have to do it honestly. No trickling out of the truth. If you continue to lie to her, you pound nails in the coffin.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Holy crap. I assume you are posing these questions mainly to betrayed spouses (BS)? You do not hasten a recovery--the recovery timetable belongs to the BS and is a completely individual thing.

But there will be no recovery at all without true remorse on your part and clear and credible commitment to repair the damage. Does anyone out there see evidence of this in OP?


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## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

in_trouble said:


> Married 20 years. 2 kids.
> 
> For past 6 years I had been looking outside marriage for sex. Mainly ego, mainly to try something new (before marriage I was a virgin). First few years I signed up on match.com etc. Wife caught me on match.com through some email left accidently open. I promised never to do it again, begged her etc.
> 
> ...


You, sir, are unbelievable. You turned your wife's life upside down with your trolling dating site (pretending to be single I bet?), using escort services, and short fling. She has forgiven you when she first found out, you didn't stop. And you hope hugging can help her? A hug? 

You don't seem remorseful at all. Get yourself tested for STDs, that's a step. A little gift for your wife's peace of mind.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Well, all I can say here is that your wife does know, and if she does not D you ASAP then she unfortunately deserves the miserable life she gets. I feel very sorry for her and the children.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sorry you are approaching this all wrong. Until you get your mind straight and own your issues, there really is no need is pursuing on. You want to rebuild your marriage, but you want to focus solely on her (which is great) but completely avoid your issues while doing so. She will need to address your issues before she can heal, grow, and move on. By denying that you had an affair and owning up to it, and refusing to answer questions regarding your issues, you are not only NOT hastening the healing, you are being counterproductive to it. You need to make amends for your affairs and be willing to do whatever she needs and this is the only way to hasten the healing. Even with this being done, she will only be able to heal as fast as she is logically able to and no faster because you want or expect it to. 

I like the yelling at a broken bone healing analogy.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

in_trouble said:


> Married 20 years. 2 kids.
> 
> For past 6 years I had been looking outside marriage for sex. Mainly ego, mainly to try something new (before marriage I was a virgin). First few years I signed up on match.com etc. Wife caught me on match.com through some email left accidently open. I promised never to do it again, begged her etc.
> 
> ...


If you want to hasten the recovery, I'd start with the attitude.

You should be on the losing end of every argument.. you're the one that f'd up, not her.. 

If you're not sure, aka 'probably not'... then do your wife a favor, and show her the respect you haven't been showing her and leave her. Dump her.. let her go get a guy that will treat her good, and not abuse her like you're doing.

You're sorry you got caught, once that becomes sorry that you're being a cruel selfish individual that's hurting people that really love you, that's when you can actually start recovery.

Recovery isn't 'make wife trust me again so I can cheat better without getting caught next time'... That's NOT recovery.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You can't make it go faster, but you can prevent yourself from holding it up, or causing huge set backs. In addition to considering the advice already given, get yourself and your wife copies of Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wow you have had sex with another women and you do not want to call it an Affair. Bill Clinton School of BS.

What ever you want to call it. Sex, Cheating and Affair you have violated your marriage, you have violated your wife's trust and what you are looking for is a way to get past this as fast and painless as you can for your self.

You really are a selfish guy. You should be asking what can I do to help my wife get through this pain I have caused her, how can I help to rebuild my trust in me. what do I need to do to rebuild my marriage.

Nothing can be done to make this go faster. It will be at your wife's speed and based on her needs.

1. Tell her everything she wants to know. Do not lie Do not try and protect your self. If she ask if you did this or that you answer her

2. Get to a Dr and get checked for STD's full panel and give her the results.

3. Let your parents and hers know what you have done and do not sugar coat it and take 100% of the blame

4. Start IC for yourself and MC for the two of you.

5. and shove your ego where the sun does not shine


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Start by telling her the truthful answer to all of her questions... No matter how bad it is.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

in_trouble said:


> Married 20 years. 2 kids.
> 
> For past 6 years I had been looking outside marriage for sex. Mainly ego, mainly to try something new (before marriage I was a virgin). First few years I signed up on match.com etc. Wife caught me on match.com through some email left accidently open. I promised never to do it again, begged her etc.
> 
> ...


Dear in_trouble,

Here's what you're really saying:

"Been cheating for six years.

"Got caught using match.com and promised to stop using it but never promised to stop cheating (had my fingers crossed).

"She never said I couldn't use hookers so switched to hookers (LOL). Got caught again (drat!).

"Not interested in fixing myself, dealing with her BS, etc., cause I'm fine just the way I am. Just want her to get over it, pronto.

"Old tricks aren't working any more so need some new tricks to shut her up.

"Need your response ASAP cause I'm a busy man."

Why the h*ll would anyone help someone like you? I know I won't.

Hoping you get what you so richly deserve.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You could start by being less selfish and self-centered. You don't sound particularly remorseful for one thing and your post makes it sound like you want to "hasten" recovery moreso for your own benefit than your wife's. You want us to help you find a way to not be on the losing end of arguments??? That's even a concern for you?? Seriously???? 

See a therapist if you aren't already to help figure out what your deal is and why you would do that to your wife or family in the first place.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

You will and should be on the losing end of every argument and discussion about your affairs. There is no such thing as being right when you cheated on your spouse. Why? Because cheating is wrong!

You can't hasten recovery nor should you. It's going to go as fast or as slow as your betrayed spouse is able to cope. It's going to take time, very much time. Prepare yourself for that.

Everyone is different. Some are able to cope, some are not. Be prepared to lose everything. 

Last but not least, you don't seem to have any remorse at all. Looks like you're just looking for some quicky-advice on how to get off the hook with the least inconvenience to you. I sure hope your spouse sees through this halfhearted attempt and leaves you out in the cold. It's the only way for you to wake up and smell the coffee.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

in_trouble said:


> How do I
> a) What are the stages people go through - anger, denial, sad? How does it ebb and flow. Is there a typical pattern that I can sense.
> b) Hasten the recovery. This is very recent. I am sorry doesn't work because of past experience. Hugging seems to work a little (or at least I think so). But I also don't want to make it so one-sided that I get on the loosing end of every argument
> when wife brings it up everytime.
> ...


You can't hasten the recovery. Your wife will heal in her own time and you will do best to honor and even encourage that. 

I am concerned though that you say that you *"PROBABLY" *won't cheat again. 

If that's how you feel. Set your wife free because you will cheat again. 

To reconcile honestly and authentically you need to choose change past negative behaviors with conviction. No maybe, no probably......just ....*definitely.. no more cheating.*


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

in_trouble said:


> Married 20 years. 2 kids.
> 
> For past 6 years I had been looking outside marriage for sex. Mainly ego, mainly to try something new (before marriage I was a virgin). First few years I signed up on match.com etc. Wife caught me on match.com through some email left accidently open. I promised never to do it again, begged her etc.
> 
> ...


So, you're "in trouble" and you want to know the quickest way to get out of trouble? And you aren't interested in answering long term questions about whether or not you would cheat again? And you don't want to make things "one sided" so that you end up on the losing end of arguments?

But all of that, frankly, simply pales in comparison to this little gem: "I did not have an affair in my mind." *facepalm* Seriously?!?!!


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Is this thread for real? Can't be


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Go to counseling to figure out what is wrong with you and on how you can help your wife heal.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Rowan said:


> But all of that, frankly, simply pales in comparison to this little gem: "I did not have an affair in my mind." *facepalm* Seriously?!?!!


Well of course, he didn't have them in his mind, he had them live and in person!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

SadandAngry said:


> Well of course, he didn't have them in his mind, he had them live and in person!


That....and hookers aren't affairs, they're an entertainment expense! You'd have to know their name to call it an affair! :rofl:


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You sound like my man. Or ex, should I say.

So sad you just don't get it. 

If you want an open relationship, have one. Just make sure you let your wife know too. 

Selfish bastard if you don't....but hey...nothing new!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> As someone who also trashed his life and screwed his wife over, let me tell you that you need to take a moment and get your head right. It sounds like you are trying to figure out the best way to make this all go away as soon as possible. I'll tell you right now, the only way to make it go away was to never have done it in the first place. It's not about making it go away, it's about changing yourself and fixing whatever it was inside you that allowed your infidelity to occur. Until you can look at yourself in the mirror and say with absolute certainty that you would rather die than be unfaithful again, you can't possibly convince her that you are worthy of trust and you shouldn't expect her to be able to "get over it."
> 
> You seem to be lacking remorse, so maybe start with that. Take some time to think about what you really got out of all of it (hopefully you will realize the answer is "nothing") versus what you have thrown away in the bargain (this should be a very long list) and then contemplate that you are the only one to blame.
> 
> This may sound harsh but your reality is pretty harsh right now. the climb back out of the hole you have dug is long and humiliating - for both you and your wife. You need to understand the depths of that hole and why you need to get out of it before you can ever make the climb. You'll be climbing with the full weight of your own guilt/shame and your wife's pain on your shoulders.


I wish my wayward had thoughts like yours. 

If all waywards did, there would be a much higher Recovery rate!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

in_trouble said:


> I am also not interested right now in answering long term questions regarding whether i would do it again etc. *Probably* not but right now I would appreciate timely responses on (a) and (b).


PROBABLY not?!?!

You're lucky your ass wasn't handed to you with a fork stuck in it, then kicked out the door. Wow.

Are you asking how to help your WIFE recover? Or yourself?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Please don't take this the wrong way but........ I hope she leaves your a$$ and finds someone who doesn't lie and cheat whenever the mood strikes. (If this is a real post that is)


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

in_trouble said:


> Married 20 years. 2 kids.
> 
> For past 6 years I had been looking outside marriage for sex. Mainly ego, mainly to try something new (before marriage I was a virgin). First few years I signed up on match.com etc. Wife caught me on match.com through some email left accidently open. I promised never to do it again, begged her etc.
> 
> ...


I don't hear a lot of remorse and the tone of your post speaks volumes that you don't even understand the magnitude of your betrayal to your wife. As others have said, you can't dictate the timeline, because it's not you who has been deceived and hurt. 

My advice, get a divorce but be amicable in what she wants. Accept your cards - fold because you need to be a man, for once.

Then be single and find whatever black hole you are trying to fill and leave your ex alone...she deserves better than you.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Is this thread for real? Can't be _

Only one post, kinda provocative, no info in profile...

Troll?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

*Re: Re: How to hasten stages in recovery...need advice today!*



hibiscus said:


> Is this thread for real? Can't be


That's what I was thinking. The request itself is so preposterous, it seems like it couldn't be.

Op look up the characteristics of a narcissist, and let us know how many of those boxes you check.

While you do that I'm putting all my energy into sending your wife strength to leave your selfish a$$


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Philat said:


> _Is this thread for real? Can't be _
> 
> Only one post, kinda provocative, no info in profile...
> 
> Troll?


Maybe it is a troll post. But, then again, there are people out there who think exactly this way.

How do I know? I was married to one for 16 years. And, while my husband would never post such a thing on an open forum, I've heard basically the same things come out of his mouth. 

Not really affairs because they didn't have sex. Not really affairs because the sex was just the one time/was over so fast it didn't really count/he didn't even know her name. Not really affairs because he didn't love those women, it was just sex. Doesn't "think" he'd do that sort of thing again, but won't do counseling, won't stop drinking, won't agree to stop putting himself in situations where cheating is not just an option but a likely outcome. Wants to know why I'm not "over it" yet. Hang-dog and pouty, depressed and angry, telling his friends how sad he is that I just won't forgive him. Wanting to know how long I'm going to "punish" him for his little mistakes. Wanting to know how he can make it up to me, move things along, speed up this process - so we can go back to how it was before. Can't figure out why I'm sad, depressed, angry or upset with him even after I filed for divorce. Because "this is what _you_ wanted" and "_I_ was never going to leave you."

It's not, perhaps, clinical narcissism. But it is selfish bastardy. It's cluelessness to the_ nth _degree. It's a character defect. It's not something he - or the OP - sees as a problem because it works for him. It's not something a spouse can fix, or should even stick around waiting for the serial cheater to fix. It's a direct reason to divorce as swiftly and amicably as possible. Because it does not go away and it does not get better.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Maybe it is a troll post. But, then again, there are people out there who think exactly this way.
> 
> How do I know? I was married to one for 16 years. And, while my husband would never post such a thing on an open forum, I've heard basically the same things come out of his mouth.
> 
> ...


Oy vay. I know you didn't think you were marrying someone who thinks like this, so it must have been a true psychological mindf*ck as you gradually recognized his world view. Like you didn't know whether to be incredulous, horrified, fascinated, to laugh or to cry, to kick him out or to have him committed. (?)

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It's amazing how effectively this cheater type can compartmentalize in order to keep the spouse they insist they love, but have all the other stuff on the side that they take as a given in life.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Oy vay. I know you didn't think you were marrying someone who thinks like this, so it must have been a true psychological mindf*ck as you gradually recognized his world view. Like you didn't know whether to be incredulous, horrified, fascinated, to laugh or to cry, to kick him out or to have him committed. (?)
> 
> I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It's amazing how effectively this cheater type can compartmentalize in order to keep the spouse they insist they love, but have all the other stuff on the side that they take as a given in life.


Thanks. 

What's really amazing is that not only did I not think I was marrying someone who thinks like this, but that he would insist with his dying breath that he does not think like this. The compartmentalization is not only external, but internal as well. He would be every bit as indignant at someone who expressed such a worldview as most of the posters here have been. The exceptions (which he does not recognize himself making) are reserved solely for himself.


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