# Why does he get so defensive?



## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

This morning we had an appraiser come to our house. My husband told me he’d help me get the house clean. He came home last night, and most of it was done. He asked if anything needed to be done, and I told him he could mop the kitchen while I ran to the store (he wanted beer, and I needed to grab cat food). I also reminded him it was trash day and the can was full (that’s his one consistent chore because it is so heavy for me to carry down our long gravel driveway and he just puts it in the back of his truck). Last week, I carried it out because he was working on something and I knew he’d forget. Two of the three previous weeks he did not take it out. 

Anyway, I returned him this afternoon and noticed that the trash had not been taken (I hadn’t noticed before I left). I texted him and asked him if he remembered the two things I’d asked him to do. He only remembered the mopping. I said, “the trash too?” So he called, already defensive, saying sarcastically that he was sorry he’d made “one” mistake. I told him if the trash was that big of an issue, tell me, and I’d do it myself. He started yelling that I was angry at him for forgetting once. I said no, I’m annoyed, because this is the third time in a month. Then he said he’d just do “everything” himself, so I didn’t keep getting pissed at him for forgetting “one” thing. 

I asked him how we are supposed to have a good marriage if I can’t tell him he forgot to take out the trash without him seeing it as a personal attack. This is his personality though. If I say I don’t like something, or I’m concerned about something, he comes out swinging and says I was the one who swung first. Even if it has nothing to do with him. 

We went to a therapist for a while, and she had suggestions for ways we could work on it, because I’m the person who processes out loud and often just want to know he sees where I’m coming from. But if I can’t just come out and say something bothers me without being accused of picking a fight or *****ing about everything, then how can we ever communicate? 

He said he got angry that I said I was annoyed. I asked if he would not get annoyed if I did the same thing, and he said no, he deals with that kind of thing all day at work. I pointed out that, yeah, he does, and he comes home angry and venting about how stupid or lacking in common sense his crew is.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MorningRoll said:


> This morning we had an appraiser come to our house. My husband told me he’d help me get the house clean. He came home last night, and most of it was done. He asked if anything needed to be done, and I told him he could mop the kitchen while I ran to the store (he wanted beer, and I needed to grab cat food). I also reminded him it was trash day and the can was full (that’s his one consistent chore because it is so heavy for me to carry down our long gravel driveway and he just puts it in the back of his truck). Last week, I carried it out because he was working on something and I knew he’d forget. Two of the three previous weeks he did not take it out.
> 
> Anyway, I returned him this afternoon and noticed that the trash had not been taken (I hadn’t noticed before I left). I texted him and asked him if he remembered the two things I’d asked him to do. He only remembered the mopping. I said, “the trash too?”


I can make a guess as to why he gets defensive. You had your answer. He only remembered the mopping. You were then on him about the trash which he just finished saying he forgot. 




> So he called, already defensive, saying sarcastically that he was sorry he’d made “one” mistake. I told him if the trash was that big of an issue, tell me, and I’d do it myself.


Which is quite difficult to do if you have forgotten that that was asked of you. One might even say impossible.



> He started yelling that I was angry at him for forgetting once. I said no, I’m annoyed, because this is the third time in a month. Then he said he’d just do “everything” himself, so I didn’t keep getting pissed at him for forgetting “one” thing.
> 
> I asked him how we are supposed to have a good marriage if I can’t tell him he forgot to take out the trash without him seeing it as a personal attack.
> 
> ...


I like his approach better than yours, frankly. His opinion is right out there. Very clear. 



> We went to a therapist for a while, and she had suggestions for ways we could work on it, because I’m the person who processes out loud and often just want to know he sees where I’m coming from. But if I can’t just come out and say something bothers me without being accused of picking a fight or *****ing about everything, then how can we ever communicate?


What did your therapist say about this? We have one example where, as indicated, seems you were as much in the wrong as he. 



> He said he got angry that I said I was annoyed. I asked if he would not get annoyed if I did the same thing, and he said no, he deals with that kind of thing all day at work. I pointed out that, yeah, he does, and he comes home angry and venting about how stupid or lacking in common sense his crew is.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> I can make a guess as to why he gets defensive. You had your answer. He only remembered the mopping. You were then on him about the trash which he just finished saying he forgot.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


An example? I have PTSD from a trauma a few years ago. Sometimes I have flashbacks and panic attacks. Being triggered brings these on. One way I have found to stave off a panic attack is to talk it out. Remind myself of where I am, that it’s in the past, that I’m safe where I am. I feel like I can’t breathe, I am shaking and trying to just talk to my husband about what is going on. Often he would tell me to just “stop thinking about it” or “stop living in the past” or say I was trying to pick a fight when I’m in tears asking him to just hold me and he’s angry because he feels bad that he can’t fix it. Therapist told him to just be there, respond affectionately, don’t try to help or fix it, just give me support while it passes. He still won’t do that. He sees every trace of sadness or fear or anger as directed or caused by him. And if I’m not happy, then it’s his fault. And instead of doing the thing I’ve repeatedly asked him to do (just hold me), he gets pissed off and tells me to knock it off. Or asks if I’m taking my medication (which is a mild antidepressant that helps anxiety). 


Let me ask this, then. What is a better approach to bringing up something that bothers you? I tried “I feel” statements. He turns it into him just being a big fat failure and ****ty person. His mother literally raised him believing he was worthless and stupid. He honestly thinks a mistake as a person makes him a worthless person. Or that one person is either always right or always wrong. Like it can’t be two imperfect people.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

What I've found in dealing with men is that they see any little comment as judgement/criticism/a personal attack. I'm honestly not sure what the solution would be, because if one cannot talk or mention things without a **** storm being dumped on them, then there's not point in the first place. It might be a matter of just prefacing it with somehting like "honey, I don't mean this as a personal attack or any sort of criticism, but I just wanted to remind you to please take out the trash". Perhaps say this while patting his head or scratching behind his ears? :-D


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

Ursula said:


> What I've found in dealing with men is that they see any little comment as judgement/criticism/a personal attack. I'm honestly not sure what the solution would be, because if one cannot talk or mention things without a **** storm being dumped on them, then there's not point in the first place. It might be a matter of just prefacing it with somehting like "honey, I don't mean this as a personal attack or any sort of criticism, but I just wanted to remind you to please take out the trash". Perhaps say this while patting his head or scratching behind his ears? :-D



Lol. The problem is that I do gently remind him. Three examples from the last month: 1. He was going to put something in his truck, and I said, can you take out the trash while you are out there? He said yes. The trash wasn’t taken out. 2. I asked him to take the trash to the curb while he was carrying a bag to the trash. He forgot.3. I walked outside with him, reminded him it was trash night. He said ok. Then came back up, and I looked at the driveway and the cab was still there. I said, are you going to take this? And he said, yeah, you don’t have to follow me around nagging me. That was the time he took it out. 

It’s frustrating because he has so little he has to do at home. I clean, do dishes, have dinner ready when he gets home, do his laundry, buy his beer and his lunch items every time i go to the store, shop around for auto insurance, pay the bills, remind him to calm his son, pick up his son from an hour away. Its a little hurtful that this is his attitude towards forgetting?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MorningRoll said:


> I texted him and asked him if he remembered the two things I’d asked him to do.


If you worded your text like this ^^ I can see why he would have been defensive. I can almost hear the "mum" talking through gritted teeth.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

frusdil said:


> If you worded your text like this ^^ I can see why he would have been defensive. I can almost hear the "mum" talking through gritted teeth.


I can see your point. Thinly veiled annoyance at the fact that he’d forgotten again. It was more like “last night you asked what I needed help with. I told you two things. Do you remember those two things?” But nonetheless... How does one keep from showing agitation over an issue that has to be constantly reminded and still forgotten? I don’t even have to remind my 9 year old to do his chores this often.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ah yes, the ol nagging wife syndrome. You're ready to go to war over a trash can being moved lol. I'm guessing there's quite a few examples similar to this one that has been fought fiercely over. Socks left on the floor, beard trimmings on the sink, toilet seat left up ... No wonder the man needs a beer every night. 

"I don’t even have to remind my 9 year old to do his chores this often."

Just what every man wants, a wife nagging him and treating him like a child with a chores list. Maybe if you weren't busy trying to be his mother he would respond differently to your requests. Poor fella, you got cashapp? Allow me to buy his next six pack for him.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeah sorry, even with the sympathy play, you were a shrew. An appraiser wont care about a full trash can.

Lighten up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yeah, the text to him asking "if he remembers those two" things is way out of line. I'd be infuriated if my partner communicated like that with me. Even if it were the 100th time I forgot the trash. You need to find a different way to communicate about that with him.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Make him a sticky note and pin it to his head.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

OP, for about $30 you can buy a dolly at your local hardware store. If the trash is such a high priority for you, take care of it yourself. A dolly is handy to have around the house anyway.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> I texted him and asked him if he remembered the two things I’d asked him to do. He only remembered the mopping. I said, “the trash too?” So he called, already defensive, saying sarcastically that he was sorry he’d made “one” mistake.


My guess is he gets defensive because you are condescending and talk to him like he is a naughty child you are trying to train. 

He forgot that trash and he is at work. At this point, you can either get it to the end of the road yourself somehow, or let it sit until next time.

You are *understandably *frustrated and want him to stop forgetting things. But instead of waiting until he gets home and saying something like this:

_Hon, I'm really frustrated when you forget to take out the trash. Is there something we can do to help you (or us) remember? Maybe set an alarm on your phone at a time you're usually here for trash days? Or I can set one on mine and remind you? Or will you let me know as soon as you take it out so I only will remind you if I think you forgot?_

You text him at work, where he can't do a thing about it, and chastise him for inconveniencing you, yet again. You obviously don't realize this because you seem perplexed that he got defensive, but it is incredibly condescending to say to another adult "what were the two things? What did you forget?" When you already know damn well what he forgot. (It's like "what did mommy tell you...?"). 

I am a very spacey person, and I feel horrible when I forget things, and I try to come up with protocols and methods to help me remember, but I keep forgetting things. 

I tell you this because I think a lot of times what's most upsetting to the more organized/mindful person when their partner forgets something that inconveniences them is that *they believe that person is inconsiderate and doesn't care about them*. Since you aren't trying to get through life with the attention span of a gnat, I'm guessing you would never forget something so quickly/easily, so you unconsciously assume your husband didn't really *forget *it as much as he is just inconsiderate or passive aggressive toward you. And THAT is a really upsetting feeling.

But if you try looking at it in a non-personal way, here is the problem:

Hubby is a bit of a spaz but it's not personal. And look at all the wonderful things he does do for me and the joy he adds to my life. Now - how can we combine our strengths and the tools at our disposal to solve this particular problem?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> Lol. The problem is that I do gently remind him. Three examples from the last month: 1. He was going to put something in his truck, and I said, can you take out the trash while you are out there? He said yes. The trash wasn’t taken out. 2. I asked him to take the trash to the curb while he was carrying a bag to the trash. He forgot.3. I walked outside with him, reminded him it was trash night. He said ok. Then came back up, and I looked at the driveway and the cab was still there. I said, are you going to take this? And he said, yeah, you don’t have to follow me around nagging me. That was the time he took it out.
> 
> It’s frustrating because he has so little he has to do at home. I clean, do dishes, have dinner ready when he gets home, do his laundry, *buy his beer* and his lunch items every time i go to the store, shop around for auto insurance, pay the bills, remind him to calm his son, pick up his son from an hour away. Its a little hurtful that this is his attitude towards forgetting?


I still stand by my previous post that the way you talked to him was condescending. But I may have come up with a creative solution. Start "forgetting" his beer.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Ah yes, the ol nagging wife syndrome. You're ready to go to war over a trash can being moved lol. I'm guessing there's quite a few examples similar to this one that has been fought fiercely over. Socks left on the floor, beard trimmings on the sink, toilet seat left up ... No wonder the man needs a beer every night.


Something I find interesting about this dynamic is -- I'm a total space case and unconsciously leave a trail of socks, towels, empty glasses, etc. behind me as I go. But when I walk through a room and notice these things I just pick them up. When someone else has left them, same thing. There is no emotion in it. I don't feel put out upon at all and I've never understood why other people who do. But a lot of them do. And when it's a woman, she seems to turn into a scolding-martyr-mother, which is really emasculating to the man who wants a wife not a disgruntled version of his mother.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> My guess is he gets defensive because you are condescending and talk to him like he is a naughty child you are trying to train.
> 
> He forgot that trash and he is at work. At this point, you can either get it to the end of the road yourself somehow, or let it sit until next time.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the practical advice. I agree that I handled the way I approached the problem in the wrong/ negative way. I even doubted myself all afternoon, wondering if I am somehow just a ***** like “most wives” (according to men). 

The funny thing is that I am the forgetful type b person in our marriage. He is 
OCD. He doesn’t even like someone messing up the couch pillows while sitting on the couch! I’ve had to defend my son to him many times for the pillows being on the rug or his light in his room being left on (because I turned it on while gathering laundry and forgot to turn it off. I objected to my son being punished for something that I did (he lost his tv for a day.) we have very different ideas of what a house that isn’t expecting guests should look like. (And to whoever though the appraiser was why I was upset about the trash- no, it comes once a week. His friends threw shrimp in our recycling three weeks ago. I have lots of smelly trash I’m trying to get hauled away).

His ex wife did everything to keep him dependent. He doesn’t know how to pay bills, set up child support, or even send an attachment in email. I taught him these things. We are both adults. It’s not just my job. I lay out the things I expect him to tamale care of. Trash. His truck. Child support. Those are his job. 

He still iversleeps if I don’t make sure he gets up. I’ve told him time and again I’m not his mom. But.... seriously, if he’s not going to take responsibility for his own actions and the few things that are his job as an adult...I don’t know how I can be expected to be the adult. I get he works hard. But I don’t want to be his mom. And I hate sounding like one for trying to uphold his OWN standards of cleaning!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> Something I find interesting about this dynamic is -- I'm a total space case and unconsciously leave a trail of socks, towels, empty glasses, etc. behind me as I go. But when I walk through a room and notice these things I just pick them up. When someone else has left them, same thing. There is no emotion in it. I don't feel put out upon at all and I've never understood why other people who do. But a lot of them do. And when it's a woman, she seems to turn into a scolding-martyr-mother, which is really emasculating to the man who wants a wife not a disgruntled version of his mother.


My wife is notoriously messy in the kitchen. Instead of training her like you would a dog or a child with a chore list, I simply take care of it myself. Never met a person who responds well to nagging. The hills people decide to die on, smh. Seriously, OP go get a dolly and take care of the trash how you want to. Or keep comparing him to your 9 year old and treating him like one. See how well that works out for you in your marriage.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> My wife is notoriously messy in the kitchen. Instead of training her like you would a dog or a child with a chore list, I simply take care of it myself. Never met a person who responds well to nagging. The hills people decide to die on, smh. Seriously, OP go get a dolly and take care of the trash how you want to. Or keep comparing him to your 9 year old and treating him like one. See how well that works out for you in your marriage.


That’s helpful. Really. People come to this site asking how to be better spouses because they know they are falling short and want to do better in the future, and you mock, ridicule and treat OP like ****. Really eSl great advice.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So in maybe three years your son will need to be in charge of the trash. Until then, is there a neighbor kid you could pay a minimal amount to do this for you? I know long drive, but you are going to buy a dolly or cart with wheels. 

Don't say anything to your husband that would sound like nagging, just something like I've taken care of it. Consider this your gift to yourself and your marriage.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

MorningRoll said:


> That’s helpful. Really. People come to this site asking how to be better spouses because they know they are falling short and want to do better in the future, and you mock, ridicule and treat OP like ****. Really eSl great advice.


How perfect are you then that your goal is to better others? What can YOU do different before you try and nag and mold your husband into the good little puppy you wish he was?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ursula said:


> What I've found in dealing with men is that they see any little comment as judgement/criticism/a personal attack. I'm honestly not sure what the solution would be, because if one cannot talk or mention things without a **** storm being dumped on them, then there's not point in the first place. It might be a matter of just prefacing it with somehting like "honey, I don't mean this as a personal attack or any sort of criticism, but I just wanted to remind you to please take out the trash". Perhaps say this while patting his head or scratching behind his ears? :-D


A lot of people do this, male and female. I have an ex friend, who after making a mistake and I --quietly AND privately -- correct her , she would say "I knew that, I just wanted to........"

We were traveling once and in the travel agency she kept referring to the airlines as "British Airlines" which it is not. The travel agent corrected her and she was very embarrassed. I would have given her a heads up but I got tired of that "I knew that" routine.

Some people might call the "did you do this " routine micro managing but I welcome the reminder when it is discreetly and respectfully done. One of these days, you may really forget.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> How perfect are you then that your goal is to better others? What can YOU do different before you try and nag and mold your husband into the good little puppy you wish he was?


My goal is to better myself. I wasn’t aware that the tone with which I approached him was a cause of conflict. This site opened my eyes. I don’t want a puppy. I want communication and advice for making the way I communicate more effective. I wasn’t aware that advice boards were designed to encourage people to change others or prove they are right? Why would one seek advice if the goal wasn’t to change oneself? But I have new ideas and have already discussed my discoveries and shortcomings with my husband, so I suppose I have obtained my goal.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I remember my father used to give my mother a list of things to do. Since she was a SAHM with children 10 and older while he worked 6 days a week, I didn't think then nor now that that was onerous. 

My mother would not always finish the list but then she would complain to us how annoying Dad was overlooking what she did do and complaining about the things not done.

I think now her behavior was very anti social. If your boss gave you a list of things to do, you would very wisely ask the boss to prioritise the items just in case not everything could be done in a day.

IOW, teaching children that "good enough" won't get you very far in real life.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

That’s an alt comparison if the marriage is boss/ employee. My husband does not give me a list. He says he doesn’t care if I sit around watching tv. And he doesn’t.

But I’ve learned what he likes, what he considers acceptable, and what drives him crazy. I try to anticipate that. He does not demand I do anything. I don’t demand either.

But...he has told me repeatedly that he considers the trash to be his job. He has gotten upset when I did it myself. He honestly doesn’t want me doing it. That’s the frustrating part. He says he will do it. Is upset if I do it. And then is angry when I remind him he didn’t do it. At some point, someone has to take out the GD trash. It can’t be a point of vanity.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> Thank you for the practical advice. I agree that I handled the way I approached the problem in the wrong/ negative way. I even doubted myself all afternoon, wondering if I am somehow just a ***** like “most wives” (according to men).


I read another post of yours where you described him forgetting the trash multiple times then you were outside and it was still there and you asked him if he was going to take it and he told you to stop nagging him.

That sounds unreasonable on his part. If you can't even ask what's up...??? 

I wonder how it would work out if you asked to talk to him at a time when all is calm and calmly asked him something like this:

"It's really important to me that the trash goes out. You have forgotten it multiple times. You say I'm nagging when I ask about it, but when you say you will take it out but it is still sitting there, *How can I know you haven't forgotten it if I don't ask?* How would you like me to handle it where you aren't angry at me and the trash gets taken out?





MorningRoll said:


> The funny thing is that I am the forgetful type b person in our marriage. He is
> OCD. He doesn’t even like someone messing up the couch pillows while sitting on the couch!


WTH? Good thing he's married to you and not me. He would surely kill me in my sleep some night. 



MorningRoll said:


> I’ve had to defend my son to him many times for the pillows being on the rug or his light in his room being left on (because I turned it on while gathering laundry and forgot to turn it off. I objected to my son being punished for something that I did (he lost his tv for a day.)


He took away a privilege for a day because a light was left on? A different picture is emerging. I don't want to be an alarmist but do you think your H is jealous or resentful of your son? That seems way out of proportion for forgetting to flip a switch. Maybe he thought it would help him remember in the future, but it's not like your son did something immoral like lie, cheat, or steal. 



MorningRoll said:


> His ex wife did everything to keep him dependent. He doesn’t know how to pay bills, set up child support, or even send an attachment in email. I taught him these things. We are both adults. It’s not just my job. I lay out the things I expect him to tamale care of. Trash. His truck. Child support. Those are his job.
> 
> *He still iversleeps if I don’t make sure he gets up.* I’ve told him time and again I’m not his mom. But.... seriously, if he’s not going to take responsibility for his own actions and the few things that are his job as an adult...I don’t know how I can be expected to be the adult. I get he works hard. But I don’t want to be his mom. And I hate sounding like one for trying to uphold his OWN standards of cleaning!


Does he not set an alarm? What would happen if he overslept and you didn't wake him? I think you should tell him: 

"I don't like this dynamic where it seems like I'm mothering and nagging you. I'm not going to bother you when you're sleeping in the morning anymore." And then DON'T. Let him be late for work and suffer the consequences. 

Regarding the trash - The trash can that goes out to the road isn't in the house is it? I'd just leave it. Let it stink. Let it get full and over flowing. Let it go a month. Start setting bags beside it. Let raccoons and rats feast on it. Let the neighbor's dogs tear it open. If he's really OCD it should start bothering him before it does you.

It really bothers me that he forgets the trash and that's ok but he takes TV away from your son because he thinks he left a light on. 

*You might want to pick up the book Love Busters by Willard Harley.* I suspect you're both doing a lot of them (most people are). You probably won't get him to read the book but if you read it and follow it for yourself, you may be able to change the dynamic just by changing how you interact with him.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> I read another post of yours where you described him forgetting the trash multiple times then you were outside and it was still there and you asked him if he was going to take it and he told you to stop nagging him.
> 
> That sounds unreasonable on his part. If you can't even ask what's up...???
> 
> ...


 He has an alarm. 4:13 and 4:28. IF I don’t wake him, he is late. If I try to wake him, he is grumpy and pees on the floor (no joke).

My husband has a different idea of what it means to parent. His mother believes the more you hit s kid, the better behaved he will be. My husband isn’t quite that extreme, but the idea that you could give an order and the kid say “why?” Blows his mind. That’s the opposite of how I am. I don’t believe in corporal punushmebt. No one ever hit me. I never broke a law, did drugs, or failed a class. I graduated college with honors. So...spanking for disobedience is not something I really understand. My son is gifted, advanced, somewhat bratty, but will follow instructions if given. If I say, “pick up
Your trash and put it in the trash can” , he does. It. No threat required. If I say don’t lay in the pillow because you will squish it, he asks why. I don’t know why. It’s a pillow. He can’t put it on the floor, so...where does it go?? There are 7 pillows. Do we sit on the edge of the couch??? I can’t help that my child, like me, need a reason for a rule. I need a reason. And “because I said so” isn’t a good one. My child is an only child who acts like a brat sometimes. Not always. BUT he would never vandalize, destroy or harm. If he doesn’t want to share, he loses privileges. I’m not sure what other things in supposed to teach. Ma’am and Sir are not my upbringing.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> He has an alarm. 4:13 and 4:28. IF I don’t wake him, he is late. If I try to wake him, he is grumpy and pees on the floor (no joke).


If that's no joke, why am I laughing so hard?! Someone who can't handle couch pillows being used can handle pee on the floor? Is this by the bed or in the bathroom? Well, in his defense, that is awfully early to get up.




MorningRoll said:


> My husband has a different idea of what it means to parent. His mother believes the more you hit s kid, the better behaved he will be. My husband isn’t quite that extreme, but the idea that you could give an order and the kid say “why?” Blows his mind. That’s the opposite of how I am. I don’t believe in corporal punushmebt. No one ever hit me. I never broke a law, did drugs, or failed a class. I graduated college with honors. So...spanking for disobedience is not something I really understand. My son is gifted, advanced, somewhat bratty, but will follow instructions if given. If I say, “pick up
> Your trash and put it in the trash can” , he does. It. No threat required. If I say don’t lay in the pillow because you will squish it, he asks why. I don’t know why. It’s a pillow. He can’t put it on the floor, so...where does it go?? There are 7 pillows. Do we sit on the edge of the couch??? I can’t help that my child, like me, need a reason for a rule. I need a reason. And “because I said so” isn’t a good one. My child is an only child who acts like a brat sometimes. Not always. BUT he would never vandalize, destroy or harm. If he doesn’t want to share, he loses privileges. I’m not sure what other things in supposed to teach. Ma’am and Sir are not my upbringing.


Have you ever tried talking with him about this when your son is not around? I had three step kids and that dynamic really is a challenge, when they act bratty and the bio parent won't discipline them, you feel like you are the last priority.

I was raised by strict parents. There was corporal punishment (used sparingly) but more than once I was sent into the orchard with my dad's pocket knife to "go cut myself a switch." We said Ma'am and Sir. If my brother and I got mouthy or started squabbling in the car, my dad would say "Be Silent." And you stopped talking until he said you could talk again. That's just the way it was.

But punishment was for consciously doing something wrong. Like fighting or lying or talking back. (No, asking WHY is not talking back, it's simply asking a question.) Something like leaving a light on? I was told to go turn it off, so I had to stop what I was doing and go turn it off. That was so I'd be more likely to remember next time. It didn't work, lol, but Mama Tried!

Have you privately asked your husband why about the pillows? or tried to have a conversation with him about the purpose of discipline and what are the rules? Why would he mind being asked why unless there is no reason?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

MorningRoll said:


> His mother literally raised him believing he was worthless and stupid. He honestly thinks a mistake as a person makes him a worthless person. Or that one person is either always right or always wrong. Like it can’t be two imperfect people.


Have you considered investigating this further? In reading your thread, the above stuck out like a sore thumb for me. 

If he was brought up to believe he was worthless and stupid, could that be what causes him anguish when he feels like he falls short, or forgets something?

His belief and values base has been set from an early age, and it would take some time to undo the damage that his mother has inflicted.

Have you ever sat down and had a serious talk with him about it? Including trying to resolve it long term?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MorningRoll said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > My wife is notoriously messy in the kitchen. Instead of training her like you would a dog or a child with a chore list, I simply take care of it myself. Never met a person who responds well to nagging. The hills people decide to die on, smh. Seriously, OP go get a dolly and take care of the trash how you want to. Or keep comparing him to your 9 year old and treating him like one. See how well that works out for you in your marriage.
> ...


 If your post here is an example of how you talk to your husband I can understand why he is defensive. Heck, if I were him I would find reasons to be away from the house as much as possible.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MorningRoll said:


> An example? I have PTSD from a trauma a few years ago. Sometimes I have flashbacks and panic attacks. Being triggered brings these on. One way I have found to stave off a panic attack is to talk it out. Remind myself of where I am, that it’s in the past, that I’m safe where I am. I feel like I can’t breathe, I am shaking and trying to just talk to my husband about what is going on. Often he would tell me to just “stop thinking about it” or “stop living in the past” or say I was trying to pick a fight when I’m in tears asking him to just hold me and he’s angry because he feels bad that he can’t fix it. Therapist told him to just be there, respond affectionately, don’t try to help or fix it, just give me support while it passes. He still won’t do that. He sees every trace of sadness or fear or anger as directed or caused by him. And if I’m not happy, then it’s his fault. And instead of doing the thing I’ve repeatedly asked him to do (just hold me), he gets pissed off and tells me to knock it off. Or asks if I’m taking my medication (which is a mild antidepressant that helps anxiety).


Ahhhhhhhh. I get it. That sounds awful! What did your therapist say about that? Did you guys make any progress toward understanding? It was really hard for my DH to understand that I was not looking for solutions in situations like this. 



> Let me ask this, then. What is a better approach to bringing up something that bothers you? I tried “I feel” statements. He turns it into him just being a big fat failure and ****ty person. His mother literally raised him believing he was worthless and stupid. He honestly thinks a mistake as a person makes him a worthless person. Or that one person is either always right or always wrong. Like it can’t be two imperfect people.


OY. I am sorry. I feel like I have shared some experience with this in my marriage. I am trying to remember what finally helped him "get it". And for us, it comes back to marriage counseling.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> I read another post of yours where you described him forgetting the trash multiple times then you were outside and it was still there and you asked him if he was going to take it and he told you to stop nagging him.
> 
> That sounds unreasonable on his part. If you can't even ask what's up...???
> 
> ...


Lots of good advice in this post! :iagree:




MorningRoll said:


> He has an alarm. 4:13 and 4:28. IF I don’t wake him, he is late. If I try to wake him, he is grumpy and pees on the floor (no joke).
> 
> My husband has a different idea of what it means to parent. His mother believes the more you hit s kid, the better behaved he will be. My husband isn’t quite that extreme, but the idea that you could give an order and the kid say “why?” Blows his mind. That’s the opposite of how I am. I don’t believe in corporal punushmebt. No one ever hit me. I never broke a law, did drugs, or failed a class. I graduated college with honors. So...spanking for disobedience is not something I really understand. My son is gifted, advanced, somewhat bratty, but will follow instructions if given. If I say, “pick up
> Your trash and put it in the trash can” , he does. It. No threat required. If I say don’t lay in the pillow because you will squish it, he asks why. I don’t know why. It’s a pillow. He can’t put it on the floor, so...where does it go?? There are 7 pillows. Do we sit on the edge of the couch??? I can’t help that my child, like me, need a reason for a rule. I need a reason. And “because I said so” isn’t a good one. My child is an only child who acts like a brat sometimes. Not always. BUT he would never vandalize, destroy or harm. If he doesn’t want to share, he loses privileges. I’m not sure what other things in supposed to teach. Ma’am and Sir are not my upbringing.


If you don’t wake him, he’s late. If you DO wake him, he pees on the floor?!!? How the hell old is this man? Does he clean up his own defecation? I’m sorry, but that’s bullcrap. What I’d do: not wake the grown man and let him be late. If he has a problem with that, tell him that you’re tired of him peeing on the floor and acting like a 2 year old, and that you’d appreciate him taking responsibility for himself, and using the bathroom to do any business in.

The more you hit a kid, the more scared that kid will be of doing something that’s deemed as wrong. I was spanked as a child and was told “because I said so” more times than I can count. That’s not a reason, and it makes zero sense. My folks still pull this one on me these days, and I’m nearly 41. Your boy needs a reason, and that’s perfectly OK. Sure, he’s a brat, but what child isn’t at times? Personally, I think it sounds like your son is way more mature than your husband.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> If that's no joke, why am I laughing so hard?! Someone who can't handle couch pillows being used can handle pee on the floor? Is this by the bed or in the bathroom? Well, in his defense, that is awfully early to get up.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yes. He is so out of it when he wakes up. Almost like he’s sleepwalking. He fumbles in the dark, misses the toilet, and then lays back down and is asleep again. It is early. He goes to bed by 9. 

I don’t know if he is jealous...maybe? My son has never had to share me and went through a phase of jealousy in the beginning where he would purposely refuse to acknowledge or thank my husband when he did something for him. But he’s come around in the last year and even asks DH to teach him things now. 

I don’t have a problem with him asking my son to pick up his clothes or turn off a light. I do have a problem with him holding DS to a higher standard than himself. If my son is punished over a forgotten light (that he didn’t even turn on), then why is DH allowed to forget to take out the trash or not clean up around the toilet? But...I digress.

I did try to talk to him once. I even looked for examples of how best to handle it. It was the night with the light switch. I told him I wanted him and my son to be able to bond. That that was really important to me. And I wasn’t as concerned about the discipline aspect at this point. Especially since my son had not turned on the light. I did. He blew up saying he wasn’t going to be disrespected in his own house and 
Then said he just wouldn’t speak to my “precious” son and that would take care of the problem. Eventually we were able to have a constructive conversation, but it took working through the anger to get there. 

About the pillows...he doesn’t want them to get “torn up” and stained. I suggested putting them in a closet when we don’t have guests and he said that would defeat the purpose of paying for them. It was an issue until his son starting spending time here and would use the pillows as a shield during nerf gun fights. So now I guess the pillows are allowed to be used?? I just realized that as I was typing this. He hasn’t said anything about them lately.


I actually ordered that book yesterday after reading the first chapter online.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

Ursula said:


> Lots of good advice in this post! :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Oh, I have let him be late plenty of times. The alarm wakes me up, even if I fall asleep in the living room (I get restless legs so I have to get up a lot and move them around). I wake him up long enough to tell him to turn the alarm off. Then go back to sleep. And peeing on the floor isn’t on purpose. That’s how hard he is to wake up. It’s like he’s sleepwalking. The therapist had suggested I get up with him before work and visit with him so we have a chance to connect in the mornings. I did that for a while before I realized it made him more dependent on me to make sure he gets up.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

Luminous said:


> Have you considered investigating this further? In reading your thread, the above stuck out like a sore thumb for me.
> 
> If he was brought up to believe he was worthless and stupid, could that be what causes him anguish when he feels like he falls short, or forgets something?
> 
> ...



Oh yes. I do think that is the reason he is so sensitive to criticism and get angry when I’m upset. Anger is the only appropriate emotion for males in his upbringing. And I watch him so often trying to impress his mom, get praise, and watch her roll her eyes or put him down. It makes me hurt for him. I try to build him up as much as I can. I point out his strengths and talents constantly. I thank him more than necessary when he does things for me. 

His ex wife is just like his mom. The way she talks to him and about him is awful. Basically the only thing of value to either of them is the money they can get from him. He’s one of those people who genuinely wants to do the right thing. Even after his wife gave birth to another mans kid, he still was there, trying to work it out. Not with her obviously, but trying to help. Even supporting the baby. Bought her a bigger house. Even did some renovations. 

Anyway, even before we got together, he was still buying this other kid birthday and Christmas presents because “the kid hadn’t done anything wrong”. His heart is in the right place. He just has his own childhood trauma. But he doesn’t acknowledge it, and when we did couples therapy, the therapist spent all her time on me and my fun bag of issues and we never got to him.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

MorningRoll said:


> Oh yes. I do think that is the reason he is so sensitive to criticism and get angry when I’m upset. Anger is the only appropriate emotion for males in his upbringing. And I watch him so often trying to impress his mom, get praise, and watch her roll her eyes or put him down. It makes me hurt for him. I try to build him up as much as I can. I point out his strengths and talents constantly. I thank him more than necessary when he does things for me.
> 
> His ex wife is just like his mom. The way she talks to him and about him is awful. Basically the only thing of value to either of them is the money they can get from him. He’s one of those people who genuinely wants to do the right thing. Even after his wife gave birth to another mans kid, he still was there, trying to work it out. Not with her obviously, but trying to help. Even supporting the baby. Bought her a bigger house. Even did some renovations.
> 
> Anyway, even before we got together, he was still buying this other kid birthday and Christmas presents because “the kid hadn’t done anything wrong”. His heart is in the right place. He just has his own childhood trauma. But he doesn’t acknowledge it, and when we did couples therapy, the therapist spent all her time on me and my fun bag of issues and we never got to him.


Your wanting to build him up is understandable, even admirable, but there is one thing I would like to highlight, and I say the following because I was in shoes somewhat similar to yours once...

External validation can only work for so long, before it needs to be topped up constantly. In some cases, it doesn't matter how often one is complimented or thanked, or appreciated. If they do not have the capacity to have self validation from within, it will never be enough.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> An example? I have PTSD from a trauma a few years ago. Sometimes I have flashbacks and panic attacks. Being triggered brings these on. One way I have found to stave off a panic attack is to talk it out. Remind myself of where I am, that it’s in the past, that I’m safe where I am. I feel like I can’t breathe, I am shaking and trying to just talk to my husband about what is going on. Often he would tell me to just “stop thinking about it” or “stop living in the past” or say I was trying to pick a fight when I’m in tears asking him to just hold me and he’s angry because he feels bad that he can’t fix it. Therapist told him to just be there, respond affectionately, don’t try to help or fix it, just give me support while it passes. He still won’t do that. *He sees every trace of sadness or fear or anger as directed or caused by him. And if I’m not happy, then it’s his fault. And instead of doing the thing I’ve repeatedly asked him to do (just hold me), he gets pissed off and tells me to knock it off. Or asks if I’m taking my medication (which is a mild antidepressant that helps anxiety).
> *
> 
> Let me ask this, then. What is a better approach to bringing up something that bothers you? I tried “I feel” statements. He turns it into him just being a big fat failure and ****ty person. His mother literally raised him believing he was worthless and stupid. He honestly thinks a mistake as a person makes him a worthless person. Or that one person is either always right or always wrong. Like it can’t be two imperfect people.


Based on this and something else you said describing his mom and his upbringing, he sounds like he might be a little bit narcissistic. Which is really hard in relationships because the narcissistic person is focused on image above all else and it is nearly impossible to have a reasonable conversation about anything they are saying or doing. They take things that have nothing to do with them personally. You don't like a movie or politician they like? Then you must not like THEM!

But let's say the problem is just this:

He was unrelentlessly criticized as a child. This caused his own type of PTSD where he's hyper vigilantly paranoid that people disapprove of him. Any tiny mistake he makes feels like a huge humiliation to him. Yet he has exacting standards for others like your son because that's the pattern he grew up with and his unconscious belief is that the slightest thing wrong is a big deal and a reflection on him.

My mother was/is hyper critical. I'm in my 50's now. And it was only in the last couple years that I stopped feeling extremely defensive and unlovable any time I made the tiniest of mistakes. One thing that helped me (in addition to Hormone Replacement Therapy including a mild AD) was looking around and realizing how much everyone else screwed up and people liked and loved them anyhow. It finally dawned on me that the people who matter to me are not going to suddenly stop liking me because I have my flaws. They have their flaws too. That understanding really freed me up to embrace life more. It made me less critical of other people too because I was less critical of myself. 

Not sure how you can convey this to your H though, but something to think about.

As for your anxiety and his worse than disappointing response, I have an idea:

When all is well between the two of you, out of the blue, bring up some time he hugged or kissed you and say "I don't know why but today I kept remembering that hug you gave me yesterday and thinking about how much I love you. 
When you put your arms around me, I just feel like all is right with the world! You're my rock."

Anytime he gives you the kind of affection you wish he'd give you when you're feeling anxious, even if it's just for a nanosecond, casually mention at some point how good it makes you feel. Safe, secure, stable, etc. I suspect he believes that's his job as husband and when you're anxious he feels like he is failing (though why he won't do what you and his therapist ask is probably a whole thread in itself) but your goal is to let him know what things he does that work and that he IS SUCCESSFUL when he does those things.

Same thing with your son. Anytime he shows your son how to do something or spends time with him, etc, don't make a big deal out of it, just casually mention "I love it when you and son _____. I can tell he really looks up to you and it makes me so happy."

AS FOR "DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS?" - here is my suggestion - you don't get defensive at all, simply say "I took my pills. But YOU are my MEDICINE. When I get anxious like this, the one thing that really helps me is knowing I have you and you're here for me. I know my anxiety is irrational sometimes, but it's still very real and just knowing you love me as I am and support me, man, it REALLY helps it pass so much faster."

Even if that's total BS. He is afraid of failing. My hope is if you keep thanking him for doing what you wish he was doing it will penetrate his brain that doing that will be successful.

Also, let's say you have a really hard time having a heart to heart talk with him because he's so defensive. Do the same thing after any pleasant conversation that's at all personal. "I didn't tell you this but I was feeling kind of down yesterday for some reason and I noticed after we talked about ____ that suddenly I felt REALLY good. Just being able to talk with you without being judged for my quirks makes me feel so good. You really are my best friend."


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe therapy ended too soon.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> Oh, I have let him be late plenty of times. The alarm wakes me up, even if I fall asleep in the living room (I get restless legs so I have to get up a lot and move them around). I wake him up long enough to tell him to turn the alarm off. Then go back to sleep. And peeing on the floor isn’t on purpose. That’s how hard he is to wake up. It’s like he’s sleepwalking. The therapist had suggested I get up with him before work and visit with him so we have a chance to connect in the mornings. I did that for a while before I realized it made him more dependent on me to make sure he gets up.


Is this really so awful though? You're married. You are a team. Unless you do not want to get up early with him, does it really matter that he relies on you to wake him? If you had to go out of town for a week, wouldn't he set his alarms and respond to them because he knew you weren't there to make sure he woke up?

Also, do you think he's getting enough sleep? If he went to bed at 8:00 instead of 9:00 do you think he'd be so groggy at 4:00?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> He fumbles in the dark, misses the toilet, and then lays back down and is asleep again.


\
So he DOESN'T actually get up and pee on the floor out of spite. He's so sleepy that he misses the toilet.

Do you have a habit of dramatizing and exaggerating?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> My mother was/is hyper critical.


My mother used to be until I started to agree with her. That tactic really takes the fun out of things. Plus it means that you can refuse to do stuff for them. ie Well, you told me I'm stupid so how would I know (how to do whatever).


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> Based on this and something else you said describing his mom and his upbringing, he sounds like he might be a little bit narcissistic. Which is really hard in relationships because the narcissistic person is focused on image above all else and it is nearly impossible to have a reasonable conversation about anything they are saying or doing. They take things that have nothing to do with them personally. You don't like a movie or politician they like? Then you must not like THEM!
> 
> But let's say the problem is just this:
> 
> ...


This is actually really helpful advice. I really appreciate it. 

I don’t think he is narcissistic exactly. I have been involved in narcissistic hell before and this is not like that. His obsession with image seems to stem mostly from slight OCD where he can’t concentrate if there is clutter or a chair out of place. Not to mention dirt of his truck! He never makes me feel like I’m not good enough or failing him. He internalizes that into himself. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was in a trauma recovery facility for two months. The doctors there do every kind of test and therapy imaginable. I told my doctor that I needed to be further tested for some kind of disorder because I couldn’t understand why I was doing the things I did or feeling the way I did. My doctor explained that PTSD can mimic all kinds of disorders, especially when triggered, and mine were all exactly what he expected them to be. I see the same with my husband. It’s like these moods are somehow triggered, and I assume it has to do with me expressing anger or disappointment in him. He is not always like that.its not a daily struggle.

But when I lose my temper or get in a bad mood, it sets off a chain reaction. Anyway, I agree that finding ways to point out things that he does right or finding a way to not get defensive myself would go a long way. 

This thread has certainly been eye opening and I really appreciate the feedback.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> \
> So he DOESN'T actually get up and pee on the floor out of spite. He's so sleepy that he misses the toilet.
> 
> Do you have a habit of dramatizing and exaggerating?


Probably, but this time it was just bad writing. I honestly didn’t realize it read that way until people replied.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@MorningRoll sheesh tough crowd here. I can commiserate with you. While I do agree your delivery needs much work, your H is an adult and can get his own beer, let the trash pile up, and go in late to work (has he had a sleep study?)

The answer is NOT to take the trash out yourself. Sounds like you have plenty on your plate. Let the trash be. Don't say a word especially if your H is adamant that's "his job". He KNOWS he has to take it out. Don't remind him. Not a peep. It's a weekly thing, right? If he forgets, that's on him. Let him make the necessary accommodations until the following week. Let it goooooo.

When I used to ask my husband to do something, sometimes he would forget, too. No big deal. Then he'd forget the same request again. I did ask if he was feeling ok was anything wrong etc. And he replied no, he just forgot again. Then I declared "you have a 1k smart phone with a calendar. USE IT. I do!" 

My husband and I both work full time (no kids) so why should I shoulder all of this crap? Chores I have forever bequeathed to him:

-change furnace filter monthly
-Give our dog her heartworm meds monthly
-Trash weekly (he's good about this-I swear I'm not rubbing salt in your wound!)
-Clean and treat our new leather furniture monthly
-maintain and fill our water dispenser 
-maintain the dog food

If the above things don't get done, it's on him and he needs to deal with the fallout. Out of water at midnight? Guess who's going to the 24 hour grocery store? Out of dog food? Guess who's making some plain rice for the dog until the pet store opens?

Your H can buy his own beer. He can get his own butt up in the morning even if it takes 5 alarm clocks. Absolve yourself of the trash debacle. It's his task.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

If you saw the trash wasn't taken out why did you not take it out instead of making an issue to your husband? I realize you asked him to do two things. Well, he didn't, whether he forgot or not, do you want to make an issue out the trash? Seriously!!!!!


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

AVR1962 said:


> If you saw the trash wasn't taken out why did you not take it out instead of making an issue to your husband? I realize you asked him to do two things. Well, he didn't, whether he forgot or not, do you want to make an issue out the trash? Seriously!!!!!


The trash runs earlyin the morning. It was too late to take it by then. But again, thanks for the advice. Clearly other people have perfect marriages and never argue over minor annoyances and pet peeves. My bad. I’ll keep all frustrations to myself stepford style.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> @MorningRoll sheesh tough crowd here. I can commiserate with you. While I do agree your delivery needs much work, your H is an adult and can get his own beer, let the trash pile up, and go in late to work (has he had a sleep study?)
> 
> The answer is NOT to take the trash out yourself. Sounds like you have plenty on your plate. Let the trash be. Don't say a word especially if your H is adamant that's "his job". He KNOWS he has to take it out. Don't remind him. Not a peep. It's a weekly thing, right? If he forgets, that's on him. Let him make the necessary accommodations until the following week. Let it goooooo.
> 
> ...



Lol. It’s crazy. I had no idea something like fighting over chores and getting frustrated and speaking badly were so unusual and offensive to hoards of married people. 

Thanks for the support. You are right. If the trash doesn’t go out, it does end up being harder on him.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> This is actually really helpful advice. I really appreciate it.
> 
> I don’t think he is narcissistic exactly. I have been involved in narcissistic hell before and this is not like that. His obsession with image seems to stem mostly from slight OCD where he can’t concentrate if there is clutter or a chair out of place. Not to mention dirt of his truck! He never makes me feel like I’m not good enough or failing him. He internalizes that into himself.


That's good! Yeah, I think I remember you also saying he was a genuinely good guy, like he put real effort into helping people. That doesn't sound narcissistic. Sounds like he is insecure though -- probably doesn't consciously realize it -- so that is really tricky, how do I help him get past that without babying/coddling him or walking on egg shells.

OH - and get that book, Love Busters. You're not supposed to be losing your temper with him either. It's a brilliant book. (Talk about eye opening.)


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MorningRoll said:


> If I try to wake him, he is grumpy and pees on the floor (no joke).



I have a solution for this too -- make sure he is a morning shower taker and teach him to pee in the shower while he's waking up.  easy peeeesy!


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

MorningRoll said:


> AVR1962 said:
> 
> 
> > If you saw the trash wasn't taken out why did you not take it out instead of making an issue to your husband? I realize you asked him to do two things. Well, he didn't, whether he forgot or not, do you want to make an issue out the trash? Seriously!!!!!
> ...


Now you are reacting just like you say your husband does when called out on something. Do you see that? You asked for advice and people are giving it to you but apparently you are only good with giving cristism, not receiving it. Talk about defensive. 

Did you thank him for mopping? I am guessing not. That is what I would have suggested you do - compliment what he did do. But I would bet there is something much bigger going on here. This not taking out the trash thing multiple times is very passive aggressive. I wonder if he doesn’t resent you big time. He works his ass off according to your previous posts. No offense, but not sure what you do - don’t work, kids in school all day. You don’t have young kids to care for all day. According to you you stay home so the house can be clean and you can coordinate schedules? So why isn’t it being done? Why is he having to mop at all? I assume you scheduled this appraisal, so why is it a last minute freak out of getting things done? This is literally what you are supposed to do. Why didn’t you? Think about that for a few moments before getting defensive - what is keeping you from getting your responsibilities done during school hours? Poor planning, distractions, laziness, entitlement, depression? And your husband takes something off of your list to do (that should have been done by you already) and gets thanked by being reminded he didn’t do his job on top of doing yours. Can you imagine how that feels to him? It takes 20 compliments to veto a negative - I am guessing as much as you think you pump him up, you are really way way way heavy in the negative column.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MorningRoll said:


> The trash runs earlyin the morning. It was too late to take it by then. But again, thanks for the advice. Clearly other people have perfect marriages and never argue over minor annoyances and pet peeves. My bad. I’ll keep all frustrations to myself stepford style.


I see the problem in your relationship. You need to take the advise given and take a real hard look at what you are expecting, what you are contributing and how your actions are effecting the outcome.


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