# how long to wait



## girlwaiting (Jan 6, 2011)

I am hoping for some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We knew each other for about 8 years. Most of the time, our relationship has been long distance, but it seemed to work for us. We were able to develop strong communication skills and grow closer through it. 

The reason for the distance was because of his going to law school. We planned on getting married sometime soon after law school when he felt his career would allow him to "take care of me" - despite me having a graduate degree and a good job where I can support myself : )

The problem is that he did not pass (by a few points... aarg) the BAR exam in July and had to retake it in February. Results won't come out until May. He said that he loves me and wants to marry me but it would not be fair to me to get engaged if he fails the May exam because he needs to be able to support us. I understand where he is coming from. He was raised where the man has to provide and be able to take care of the family. He does not want to get married until he feels he can do that. 

I just don't know how much more of a delay I can take. I have been graduated and in my career for a few years now. I am ready in all aspects to start a family and enter that next chapter of my life. I love him and we want to be together. He just wants to wait for the "perfect" time and I don't think there will ever be that "perfect" time. I know people will say, if you love him, wait. But I don't want to develop frustration towards him. I feel that if we love each other so much, why can't we just be together and get through this hard time together than apart. Am I being really selfish? I feel that way, but at the same time, I feel like I have been waiting for years for him.


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## phyxius (Jul 5, 2010)

What's wrong with waiting? If he does love you there's no need to rush things. He sounds like a great guy, good old fashioned man. You can't force things on him or else he will resent you for it. It wont be because he felt it was the right time, it'll be more of a duty. I know a little about that in my marriage. Just stay supportive and when he finds out he passed the bar in May you'll get your wish  It might be hard but just stick with it. Nothing starts off good when it's forced upon.


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## SteppingStones (Dec 20, 2010)

I'm a big believer in the saying that the best things in life are worth waiting for. Yet, I fully believe myself to be the most impatient person in the world 

Love requires a lot of unselfish actions and a lot of patience. It will test your resolve in ways unimaginable. So consider this your first test. Can you stick with it?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

girlwaiting said:


> I am hoping for some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. We knew each other for about 8 years.
> 
> ...He said that he loves me and wants to marry me but it would not be fair to me to get engaged if he fails the May exam because he needs to be able to support us.
> 
> I just don't know how much more of a delay I can take. ...I am ready in all aspects to start a family and enter that next chapter of my life. I love him and we want to be together. ...I feel that if we love each other so much, why can't we just be together and get through this hard time together than apart. Am I being really selfish? I feel that way, but at the same time, I feel like I have been waiting for years for him.


I personally know of a couple people who graduated law school and never, ever did pass the BAR. They went on to careers as paralegals and liked the job so they stayed in that field! So my thought is somewhat similar to yours. If I were you, I think I would say to him, "You know there are people who never pass the BAR and they live happy, fulfilling lives. I love you and am ready in all aspects to start a family. I would very much like that to be with you, so I am requesting that we either get engaged now or we wait until the May results and then get engaged in May. If you're not willing to do that, I will be moving on with my life and you can look me up when and/or if you're willing to commit." 

Then...follow through on those words. I mean no disrespect but you have waited. It's reasonable to establish a timeline (we'll be engaged by May) and if he's not willing to do that, he is one of those guys who won't commit to you and you'll be waiting forever. If you're ready in every aspect to move on to that chapter of life (marriage and family) it may be with another guy.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

U 've waited this long... give him till May. If he comes up with more exscuses... launch him. I understand his plight, but it is self inflicted, its not like you demand him to pass the bar first in order to get engaged.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Sounds like an excuse to avoid the commitment.

If the guy has finished law school, he is not stupid. He will be able to earn a living somehow even if he never passes the Bar Exam. 

The problem isn't the Bar Exam and being able to provide. The issue is he isn't ready to commit. 

Not a good idea to force him to commit. Wait it out and see what happens. My guess is he won't commit after passing the Bar.


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## girlwaiting (Jan 6, 2011)

Thanks for all your responses. 

I agree, I've been waiting for this long... I can see what happens in May. He's been talking more about marriage and how much he wants to be married soon. His family considers me as a member of the family and he's always been considered a member in my family. 

He puts a lot of pressure on himself. He has some issues throughout childhood with seeing men not providing for their families. He just doesn't want to feel like one of those men (although I know he is not, and could never be, like those men). 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I try to not talk about marriage too much because I know it puts more pressure on him. I mention marriage and he goes and studies for 4 more hours. The BAR results should come out the weekend of my birthday in May, so we shall see... I just hope that if for some reason he doesn't pass, he won't "punish" us. Just because one area of life is not going the way you want, doesn't mean you have to sacrifice all other parts. 

Thanks again.


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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

Big ego he was carrying with him all the time... But I think nothings wrong with that. Pride he is the man with pride...Most of men are like that they dont want to hear rumors saying that you are the one who provides for the family that you two created... Wait until May until but then if he still not passed ask him whats his next plan... But even you wait even you two not married yet you know and feels that he really loves you right?


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

So after you marry him, if he wants to wait 5 years until he has a million in the bank before having kids, will you be down with that?


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