# Fighting constructively



## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

Human imperfection makes fighting unavoidable, but knowing how to fight constructively really helps. Sooner or later, disagreement and conflict happen in any almost any human relationship, but especially in a couple’s love relationship. If a couple doesn’t fight at least now and then, I’d have to say that they don’t have much of a relationship. Knowing how to fight constructively is good for the marriage, or any love relationship.

After 54 years, my wife and I have become pretty skilled at fighting; we could maybe even take silver in Couples Fighting. Sometimes we settle a fight within minutes; sometimes we are still fighting after an hour or more (now that the kids have grown and left home, we have the luxury of extended fighting time). Occasionally we yell and shout at each other, but usually we just have intense discussion accompanied by a lot of emotion. Sometimes we just sit and wait while we think about what is being said. 

What's the secret to constructive fighting? To start with, don't fight dirty (i.e., no hitting below the belt). Married couples know where to hit to deliver the most pain. Constructive fighting is about solving a problem, not inflicting more pain. Secondly, listen really well to each other. Many times what I said is not what my wife heard, and vice versa. Thirdly, understand that a fight usually means that something needs to change. Be open to change.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

My wife and I are misaligned on so many issues. That isn't a bad thing though, we both love to debate. It is what attracts me to her most. It often turns heated but we can stop half way through like it's nothing and pick it up later. We like all others do fight, because of how we debate we always keep pretty much the same rules when we fight. It defiantly makes things go smoother.
The only thing I would have to add to the OP is, don't ever forget to say you're sorry if you are in the wrong.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

married54yrs said:


> Human imperfection makes fighting unavoidable, but knowing how to fight constructively really helps. Sooner or later, disagreement and conflict happen in any almost any human relationship, but especially in a couple’s love relationship. If a couple doesn’t fight at least now and then, I’d have to say that they don’t have much of a relationship. Knowing how to fight constructively is good for the marriage, or any love relationship.
> 
> After 54 years, my wife and I have become pretty skilled at fighting; we could maybe even take silver in Couples Fighting. Sometimes we settle a fight within minutes; sometimes we are still fighting after an hour or more (now that the kids have grown and left home, we have the luxury of extended fighting time). Occasionally we yell and shout at each other, but usually we just have intense discussion accompanied by a lot of emotion. Sometimes we just sit and wait while we think about what is being said.
> 
> What's the secret to constructive fighting? To start with, don't fight dirty (i.e., no hitting below the belt). Married couples know where to hit to deliver the most pain. Constructive fighting is about solving a problem, not inflicting more pain. Secondly, listen really well to each other. Many times what I said is not what my wife heard, and vice versa. *Thirdly, understand that a fight usually means that something needs to change. Be open to change.*


Or change would find you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

married54yrs said:


> After 54 years, my wife and I have become pretty skilled at fighting;


I dunno ... I'd think that after 54 years, you wouldn't have that much to fight about. JMO.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I dunno ... I'd think that after 54 years, you wouldn't have that much to fight about. JMO.


I can see how you might think that, but there's certainly no less to fight about (perhaps I should say disagree about) and perhaps even more to fight about. Now that the 4 kids are raised and we are basically retired from our work lives, we are facing how to live the remaining years of our lives. Lots of options (for which we are grateful), but not too many clear answers. Life in our 'final' years is still a huge mystery.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> My wife and I are misaligned on so many issues. That isn't a bad thing though, we both love to debate. It is what attracts me to her most. It often turns heated but we can stop half way through like it's nothing and pick it up later. We like all others do fight, because of how we debate we always keep pretty much the same rules when we fight. It defiantly makes things go smoother.
> The only thing I would have to add to the OP is, don't ever forget to say you're sorry if you are in the wrong.


Yep, and a willingness to forgive and to accept forgiveness. I'm glad you and your wife talk thru the issues; many couples don't seem to have any 'meaningful' conversation. Keep up the good work.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

married54yrs said:


> What's the secret to constructive fighting?


The secret is not to fight at all, avoid all confrontation.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> The secret is not to fight at all, avoid all confrontation.


Well, I guess you maybe could avoid confrontation, but I think that might not be healthy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

married54yrs said:


> I can see how you might think that, but there's certainly no less to fight about (perhaps I should say disagree about) and perhaps even more to fight about.


Sorry. But I'm not buying what you're selling. I see many members of my family who have marriages of longevity. They're not fussing and fighting or negotiating. My cousin and her husband have been married almost 52 years. They know each other very well. They're in sync. Once you know your partner well enough, you should be pretty much on the same page. I wonder if you and your wife are just fond of debating. Seriously.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

married54yrs said:


> Human imperfection makes fighting unavoidable, but knowing how to fight constructively really helps.


If you swapped "disagree" for "fight" I would agree.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nowadays, I couldn't be bothered. I used to fight, raise my voice etc. but when you get shut down over and over and are not heard, what is the point? Now I don't give a toss unless he is overstepping boundaries so I tell him so. He can do him and I do me. I sleep in my own room now, work in my office, see my own friends. Occasionally we may watch a movie, go for dinner, talk about politics or the kids, that is it. If there is disagreement, I walk off. I really couldn't give a toss. I think if a couple quarrel, it means there is still juice in the relationship and one party is trying to get a need met or to be heard. Once the fighting stops the relationship is dead or slowly dying.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

married54yrs said:


> What's the secret to constructive fighting? To start with, don't fight dirty (i.e., no hitting below the belt).


I concur on no hitting below the belt, since it's better to grab ones opponent by the ears and headbutt them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Marry my wife. She doesn't do fights.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Sorry. But I'm not buying what you're selling. I see many members of my family who have marriages of longevity. They're not fussing and fighting or negotiating. My cousin and her husband have been married almost 52 years. They know each other very well. They're in sync. Once you know your partner well enough, you should be pretty much on the same page. I wonder if you and your wife are just fond of debating. Seriously.


I'm happy for you, your spouse and the rest of your family. May it continue to go well for all of you. Of course my wife and I don't fight now like in years gone by. In the early years of our marriage, we'd give each other the silent treatment, usually 2-3 days. The record is 7 days; that was a tough one. After days of silence, one or both of us would just give up and force a fight, or at least a very intense discussion. The good news is that we always got stuff worked out, but even now there are still a few areas of disagreement. We may never agree in those areas, but we are much more understanding and accepting of each other's position and values. What fun!


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

Personal said:


> I concur on no hitting below the belt, since it's better to grab ones opponent by the ears and headbutt them.


Funny. That might work too, but hopefully in a loving way.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

aine said:


> Nowadays, I couldn't be bothered. I used to fight, raise my voice etc. but when you get shut down over and over and are not heard, what is the point? Now I don't give a toss unless he is overstepping boundaries so I tell him so. He can do him and I do me. I sleep in my own room now, work in my office, see my own friends. Occasionally we may watch a movie, go for dinner, talk about politics or the kids, that is it. If there is disagreement, I walk off. I really couldn't give a toss. I think if a couple quarrel, it means there is still juice in the relationship and one party is trying to get a need met or to be heard. Once the fighting stops the relationship is dead or slowly dying.


Well, you've stayed together and still have some shared times of peace and enjoyment. Our best to you; perhaps you will be able to have more shared time together.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FYI: My husband is dead.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Marry my wife. She doesn't do fights.


Should she "do fights?"


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> FYI: My husband is dead.


Ok. I apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

married54yrs said:


> Should she "do fights?"


no, but a conversation would be good from time to time... 😀


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

married54yrs said:


> I'm happy for you, your spouse and the rest of your family. May it continue to go well for all of you. Of course my wife and I don't fight now like in years gone by. In the early years of our marriage, we'd give each other the silent treatment, usually 2-3 days. The record is 7 days; that was a tough one. After days of silence, one or both of us would just give up and force a fight, or at least a very intense discussion. The good news is that we always got stuff worked out, but even now there are still a few areas of disagreement. We may never agree in those areas, but we are much more understanding and accepting of each other's position and values. What fun!


I HATE "the silent treatment"...my STBX used to use that as a way to shut me down and push me away, and it was brutally painful for me because he wouldn't TELL me what he was angry about...he was just cold. 

I could never go a full day of no communicating if one of us was angry. It would take me just an hour or two before I would be apologizing and asking him to please tell me what was wrong...which I suppose was the point of it for him.
I just wanted to understand the problem and work to fix it...but HE wanted to intimidate me into compliance with things that were boundary issues for me...and it WORKED for about 2-3 years before the mistrust I felt had fractured our connection to the point that I didn't care very much anymore.

Being quiet to sort your thoughts out is one thing -- withdrawing to punish or hurt your partner is another thing all together.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I HATE "the silent treatment"...my STBX used to use that as a way to shut me down and push me away, and it was brutally painful for me because he wouldn't TELL me what he was angry about...he was just cold.
> 
> I could never go a full day of no communicating if one of us was angry. It would take me just an hour or two before I would be apologizing and asking him to please tell me what was wrong...which I suppose was the point of it for him.
> I just wanted to understand the problem and work to fix it...but HE wanted to intimidate me into compliance with things that were boundary issues for me...and it WORKED for about 2-3 years before the mistrust I felt had fractured our connection to the point that I didn't care very much anymore.
> ...


Sometimes I used the silent treatment to punish my wife. Of course, that's not loving her, but it is sometimes part of my failings. At other times I retreated into silence just to protect myself from the pain I was feeling. You could say that I was running away emotionally. I imagine that my wife and I both used silence that way from time to time. The good news is that after years & years of marriage, we very rarely resort to the silent treatment; I can only think of one time in the past several years, and we fixed the problem rather quickly. Our best to you and your husband; hopefully things will improve for you.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

Over the years my wife and I have found numerous things to disagree about, and sometimes the disagreements led to hurt, anger, and fighting. During those times my first reaction is to think about all the ways in which she is wrong, and I am right. Her reaction is to think about all the ways in which I am wrong, and she is right. After many years, which have included some pretty painful fights, we have finally realized a GREAT TRUTH: In some ways I am both right AND wrong, and in some ways, she is both right AND wrong.

We both have to accept that the other person is at least partially right, which means that BOTH of us are also at least partially wrong. Each one of us has to change in some way. Neither one of us wants to change; neither one of us wants to admit to being wrong, even in a tiny way. Sometimes the biggest change we can make is merely to recognize the need for change. Other times we decide to change, and we talk about how to go about changing.

During our marriage, I think that I’ve had to make the most change, and she thinks that she has had to make the most change. Of course, we are both kidding ourselves. There’s been more than enough change to balance it out. Sometimes the change is harder for me, sometimes for her. Regardless, we need to support, accept, and forgive each other, as needed, during the change PROCESS (it might not happen over night; it might take a few days, weeks, months, or years).


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