# Which is the "fog"



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

No offense intended here but seriously....why do we call it the "fog"?

I am in an affair. 

Prior to my affair I have been in a platonic marriage, 4 years of completely sexless marriage. 

Which is the "fog"? Am I blinded by the excitement of feeling compatible, interesting, and desirable to another woman? Is clarity wanting to live as roommates with my wife, being undesired, and uninteresting?

I feel like my marriage was a fog, something I accepted for too long, as if I couldn't see clearly, I accepted it as "the way it is". I know an affair is not a solution. At the same time I feel it has brought me clarity that this world has more to offer.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The term 'fog' is often used to show how many unfaithful spouses fall head over heals for their affair partner and start dismissing or viewing negatively - and even re-writting marital history - everything their betrayed spouses have done in the marriage. This is often a defense mechanism in order to justify to themselves - and to others - the affair, why the marriage was already dead and that the affair partner 'just happened' to come by at the time when he/she was ready to leave his/her spouse.

Now a question for you. Why didn't you divorce your wife before you started your affair?


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Mr confused... Did you have the balls to tell your wife you were mierable and needed something to change? Why did you not file for divorce before taking up with another woman? IMO, It is the easy coward way to just start an affair and not deal with the marital problems. 

Cake eating.. Grow a pair!


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

I confused to my spouse.

She said she was not surprised and understands why I would do that.

We discussed divorce but nothing definitive.

I guess I do have the balls Frustrated.....thanks for asking.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mr_confused said:


> I confused to my spouse.
> 
> She said she was not surprised and understands why I would do that.
> 
> ...


Why nothing definitive?

4 Years of no sex and now you have a woman who is into you.
I`m not seeing a tough choice here.

Have you got kids?


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Well, if it ok with the wife and you feel that you are not doing anything wrong with your *****, then why post on coping with infidelity..... 

BTW - Glad you have the balls....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

FrustratedFL said:


> Well, if it ok with the wife and you feel that you are not doing anything wrong with your *****, then why post on coping with infidelity..... .



Because he was asking a legitimate question about an aspect of infidelity.

You should not rush to begin your name calling before you read the thread.


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## ScullyFan (Oct 23, 2011)

Have you and your wife had an honest talk about the real issues here??? the lack of intimacy???? Have you tried to work on your marriage???? MC???? IC for both of you??? If you are so unhappy why not just divorce your wife??? Does the OW knows your married???? Having an affair is never the answer no matter what the problems are, how would you feel if was your wife the one cheating on you??? Is time to you think what you really want an make a decision!


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Tacoma - Thanks, I read the thread... 

Still think that someone should get a divorce before starting an AFFAIR with anyone else. My belief...!!


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

It's ok. I agree on the affair....it's nothing new that people have that perspective. I understand frustrated. An affair is terribly selfish, so is denying your spouse intimacy. I think she (my spouse) knows what she did and that is why she does not fault me for the affair.

My wife an I talked. I am in IC. I suggested she do the same. She wants to go to MC but I'm not sure we can "fix" this. My affair partner knows I am married.

My wife knows of the affair but not the extent. She have not asked anything I did not answer, it is weird, she sort of dismissed it. She is comfortable.....taken care of....financially.

We do have a daughter, 14 years old. Although the economy has not treated us well (surprise.....I know) - we are fortunate in that we have enough $ and equity to continue as we are in separate homes without selling...but it's still a hit. 

I guess I am just scared to leave....it's a tough thing to do when you have an amicable yet platonic marriage. It's a tough situation.


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## ScullyFan (Oct 23, 2011)

If you want to save your marriage you need to immediately stop any and all contact with the OW and go to MC together. MC is a good idea and your wife wants it what means she may be willing to give your marriage a chance but MC will only work if you stop the affair, as long as you are in the affair MC will not work. I think it would be a good idea if your wife could go to IC herself it can help her with her own issues. The most important thing is that you stop the affair so you can work on your marriage if that is what you want.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

He is in the fog of the affair. That's why he is very defensive and snarky with his replies. People in the fog do not realise they ARE in the fog, most of the time.

His post reminds me of schizophrenics who believe they aren't crazy - the rest of the world is.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

I am not defensive....I don't feel compelled to defend myself to strangers on a board. I was looking for perspective...and welcome it from all angles.

I would only need to defend myself to my wife and since she is not accusatory - it's not relevant. I am more trying to determine what to do next.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

My husband is in the fog... he has been seeing this woman a couple times a week for an hour or two and is confused about the 'feelings' he has for her. Um...duh... no house, no bills, no kids... OH but we REALLY get along he says. Let me say again, no house, no bills, no kids, no stress, barely any time... WHO WOULDN"T get along under those circumstances... good grief DUH. 

Oh and he says what he is missing in our marriage is mind blowing sex... ok.... really? Pretty difficult to come by with house, bills, kids, .... you know? We were lucky yesterday for example, to get 5 minutes to ourselves until 9 pm-- oh I am sure when he runs off to her place and they having nothing to concentrate with than each other, it is freaking easy. How does he not GET that??

BTW, I was giving him sex, he was the one who withdrew because he was angry at me for telling him the truth about how he was like when he was on a drinking run. But it is MY fault... isn't that rich?


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