# Fiance thinks I cheated, but I didn't. HELP!



## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

Hi all, I am a 25yo bi male and I'm having a big problem. This is on the lengthy side, but I'll try to be to the point.

My fiance and I have been together since august of 2007, and she has had a VERY rough life with sexual abuse, emotional, physical, mental and everything in between. I had been the first man that she was with who actually treats her like a woman should be treated. She has chronic Lyme Disease, and it is very hard every day for her because of it. I try to help her as much as I can, and I do it because I love her. 

The problem is this: I don't know why i thought this was ok, and I really don't know how I justified what happened in my mind. In January of 2011, I had emailed someone of the same sex with intentions of getting pictures, and I guess the thought was in my head to hook up, but I had done this before and always decided to not meet up with anyone. I mainly did this to get pictures, because I found that seeing pictures of local people were more exciting than regular porn. She caught writing the email, and was upset about it for a good time, but eventually seemed like she got over it. Then in May, while she was away, I went to the site again ONLY with the intention of getting pictures. After January, I would never think about hooking up with anyone again. Of course she saw that I did and got very upset and broke up with me a few weeks later. She eventually moved out to live with another guy she met after we broke up, and he ended up being physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to her, and it ended with her being held hostage by him for about 5-6 hours before her friend could come get her. She came back to me the next day, and I said that I would take her back if she believed that I never cheated on her, and she said she did and would give me a second chance. So much for that.

Now, she misses the ex like she missed me when she was with him. And the only thing I did to **** myself over was deleting my internet history after looking at porn, not the other site. Now, she says she'll probably never trust me. I could understand if I actually did cheat. I asked her, how do I know you didnt cheat on me with your ex (because I let her go hang out with him because I trust her). She said I know that I didnt cheat. Thats the SAME EXACT THING I say to her, but apparently it doesnt matter. I love this woman so much its sick, and I told her when I gave her an engagement ring that I would always be faithful to her and honor her and take care of her for the rest of her life. I was dead serious. This is heart shattering that she can't believe me. I haven't done ANYTHING since we got back together to prove otherwise. I NEVER cheated on her, and I never plan on it. I ****ed up once, and I'm not about to **** up again.

She doesnt believe I didnt cheat, and short of taking a polygraph test, I don't know what else to do. I would do anything for this girl. ANYTHING. She is the person I am supposed to be with. I mean for god's sake, her birthday is the day after mine. I don't think thats a coincidence. Fate brought us together, and it brought us back together, but now it seems its breaking us apart.

I want to take a polygraph but they are very expensive and she says they're stupid.
Please help me, I am desperate as to what to do. :-(


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

In your situation I would suggest you make an effort to calm down and address your emotional energy along the following lines. 

I would suggest you accept the fact that one cannot manufacture emotions in others. Indeed if you or I where the type of people who could instill the beliefs in others that we wanted we would be millionaires as that skill es very rare and very valuable. 

Also I would point out to you the fact that is likely true that her lack of trust has little to do with you and a lot to do with her abusive past. If you think on the situation from her point of view you can hardly blame her. It is likely that what you are facing is up to 90% negative energy from the past.

That said a good step you can take to improve the situation is your emotional energy. I suggest a calm assertive and supportive energy. 

You getting manic over her not believing you will cause her to be empathic and pick up on that nervous energy. Conversely you being calm and assertive about it like so: "I cannot make you believe but that does not detract from the fact that I did not cheat, I understand your difficulty and I will continue to be supportive and strong for you."; 

If done right she will likely respond emphatically to your energy and calm down herself. In time she will realize you did not cheat and also love you for your attitude.

One of the code emotional desires of a woman inside a relationship is to feel that whatever challenges may come her man will stay strong and focused throughout them. She will naturally continue to have emotional swings no matter how good your relationship and she needs to count on you to be strong and stable for her.

Whatever the problem is you can handle it, including this one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So she was happy to go move in with another and have obviously have sex with him, but he was a jerk, so she'll come back if you didn't cheat?

Seriously, just let the relationship stay ended and move on. She's already been with at least one other guy, and you've been asking for pics from strangers.

this relationship is way too messed up by both of you to be fixed.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

FreedomCorp said:


> Also I would point out to you the fact that is likely true that her lack of trust has little to do with you and a lot to do with her abusive past. If you think on the situation from her point of view you can hardly blame her. It is likely that what you are facing is up to 90% negative energy from the past.
> 
> That said a good step you can take to improve the situation is your emotional energy. I suggest a calm assertive and supportive energy.
> 
> ...


Freedomcorp, 

This really spoke to me.... 

I have serious 'trust' issues that, I believe, stem from my past (abandonment, emotional & verbal abuse, etc). Trying to help my DH understand where it comes from has been a challenge. He has been awesome - staying strong for us, constantly reassuring me he's in it for the long haul, etc. Sometimes so much so, I feel guilty he's having to take these extra steps because of the actions of someone else. I think hearing this from someone else will also help confirm for him & I that what he's doing is helping and that I am not crazy. Thanks so much.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

FreedomCorp said:


> Hello,
> 
> In your situation I would suggest you make an effort to calm down and address your emotional energy along the following lines.
> 
> ...


Are you friggen kidding me? I'd say her lack of trust has to do with the fact he was soliciting jollies from strangers on the internet. Lack of trust has to do with fact he's untrustworthy.
As for the rest, she's a mess too. Just end the drama and end this farce of a relationship.

Gee sure a lot of bi-curious, but never acted on them posts this morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

Golfergirl - to clear things up, yes her trust issue with me is because of what I did, and I accepted that when we broke up. When she came back to me she SAID she believed me, forgave me, and was going to give me a second chance. This seemed to change because she felt I was doing more for her than I normally would because I felt guilty. Similar to what HeavensAngel said. All I'm doing is taking care of the one I love.

As far as the bi thing goes, she says she accepts that's who I am, but then she goes ands says that I don't. I clearly do. I just made a really big mistake, and I'm paying the price. I never did anything while we were together, but while we were broken up I had, as well as have a couple girlfriends, one of which I kinda broke up with when my current gf came back to me. I told her about everything I did.

FreedomCorp - thank you for encouraging words. She told me she missed the other guy, but I trusted her to not cheat. I let her hang out with him at least a few times lately too. Now she doesn't want to deal with seeing him anymore because she feels too pulled because she is in a relationship with me and its not worth the added stress. So, she isn't even really talking to him anymore either, because my other issue was that she could talk to him for 5 or 6+ hours at a time, plus texting all the time, on top of the fact she would hide her phone and conversations from me because she eventually told me it was because of how flirtatious they talked to each other. I understands how that feels, because I felt that way while we were apart, so I don't hold it against her.

She wants to eventually be on her own, whether or not she's still with me, she doesn't care. She wants to be by herself, NO ONE else so she can face herself, her disease and everything else that she hasn't been afforded the chance to experience when a "normal" person should have.However long it takes for her to deal with herself and her own mind and be independent, because she always was told she was a burden and she still thinks she is to me. She's been sick since birth, and her family doesn't give a s*** about her, but her brother is revered by all as a god. She asked her mother to take her in before she asked me. It took me a while and a lot of arguing and fIghting for me to understand this and even longer to figure out that she is not breaking up with me because I was pretty sure that's what was meant when she said she probably wouldn't ever be able to trust again, she really meant that she's going to try and hopes that she can. 
I ruined her mood this morning because I was in a bad mood because of that misunderstanding and me telling her exactly why I was in a bad mood, because I'm going to my parent's to have dinner and how am I supposed to tell them everything is OK,when it clearly isn't. She says that I shouldn't be telling anyone our business anyway, so I guess this forum counts then too. Saying You're in. Bad mood so you go sit there and play computer game and have a killing mentality (Bioshock2). That ended up in a 3 hour fight that ended with her opening a window too fast and cracking the window pane (counterweighted windows suck) and her flipping out because she thinks I'm copping out by admitting I'm an a****** and messed up and me saying I'm sorry I really wasn't trying to make you upset but you can't get mad because I didn't understand and was really confused about what the heck is happening and what is going to happen. I kinda gave up on it, but she doesn't want to break up.

So after apologizing over and over and eventually leading me to yell "I DID" at her because she doesn't believe my apologies and then goes and said just admit your an a******, which I did a hundred times before and that made my hand start shaking and I couldn't help it. I tried to calm her down a little more and she said something to just leave her alone so I went and smoked bud and a cig and came back in, and I've been laying in the bedroom watching tv and posting this while she's inside (1br apt) on her laptop talking to her friends or internet surfing, whatever women do on the computer. 

And that's where its at.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Neither of you are ready for marriage. You should both invest heavily in IC, pronto.


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## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

IC?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You did it twice. She has no reason to believe you. Put yourself iin her shoes... would you believe you? Don't get married. This relationship is already dead. And you may be gay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

Well, I'm definitely not gay. I'm not emotionally attracted to men like i am to women. I could never be in love with a man, i just dont feel that way about it.

She doesnt want to break up, so I'm going to let it go, and see what happens. She wants to move out, and be on her own without having to depend on me or anyone else at all. Then she'll make up her mind I guess...


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## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

She also says she still loves me, but is going to have a hard time trusting me again. We've been together over 4 years. She still responds I love you too.


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## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

So we're on a break now. We didn't break up, and to our families we're still engaged.

She's out with her ex again now, so I know what she's doing since we're on a break and we can basically do what we want.

Whatever.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I highly doubt her trust issues have much to do with her abusive past. It sounds like she has trust issues with you for good reason. She caught you attempting to hook up with someone. Then you 'promised' not to go back to that site again. Then she found out you broke that promise. Then she finds out you deleted your web history.

She has every reason not to trust you or believe you. 
Perhaps she trusts her ex more than you. At least when it comes to fidelity.

Also, I have an issue with this -


> She came back to me the next day, and I said that I would take her back if she believed that I never cheated on her, and she said she did and would give me a second chance.


It really shows the dynamic of your relationship. YOU let her back if SHE reconciled the relationship... But YOU were the one who f'ed up, not her. YOU should have been the one reconciling, and SHE should have been the one "letting you back."

Seems there's more to your relationship issues than just a lack of trust. Probably also a lack of clear communication as well as blameshifting on your part.


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## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

Well, I admitted to what I did, apologized, realized how big of a mistake it was, and begged her to forgive me.

So, when she wanted to come back to me; where I thought there was no hope of her coming back again, I told her that in order for us to progress, then she would have to forgive me, and know I would never cheat on her again, and to give me that second chance to prove that I won't.

So, I'm surprised as to why she doesnt just break up like last time, she does really love me. 

She also doesnt have her drivers license, and is unemployed with no benefits at this point, so she has absolutely no other choice than to be here at this point. she said if she had the choice she would have been gone a while ago.


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## phil6006 (Feb 19, 2012)

So I'm finding out that she stll basically feels the same way that she did when it initially happened, only its a year later.

No matter how many times I say "I'm sorry, I promise I'll be faithful" I don't know what I was thinking, I really didn't. I don't know why I would think doing that wasn't cheating at the time.

Because I agreed with her about having a break, and the two of us looking on dating sites (she's not really looking, just helping friends make their profiles (true) and getting 50 mails a day, but she's not talking to anyone), and I'm trying to talk to anyone else because I literally have 2 friends. So because I'm so eager that means I don't care. I don't know what else to do, because I kinda still feel like I'm cheating even though we're on a break.

I can apologize till I'm blue in the face, and its obviously not going to change her mind. She basically said I ruined her life over this and I didn't even actually cheat her.


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