# i must be stupid!



## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

hi there, i havnt been on here for a few months, my marraige sexually is very one sided, i would like more sex but my wife cant be bothered, as long as she can cuddle me to feel safe thats ok for her, i have had many a discussion with her about the lack of sex and finally about 5 months ago i thought it had worked as our sex life was much better, it got better for about a month and has steadily got worse ever since, we now have sex about twice a month and i cant even say its good when we do, i initiated it the other night and it has put me off eventrying anymore, after a few minutes she just said "i cant be bothered but if you are desperate you can but dont expect me to do anything" i carried on for a moment and then gave up, i feel so stupid for thinking we had finally got back on track!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There are probably a number of other issues going on than just the lack of sex. This is normally a symptom of other issues going on. Can you elaborate on what your marriage is like in general? Can you give examples of what you two do together, any kids, recent arguments?


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

hi there, our marraige is very good, we dont argue very much at all, we have 2 children, my wife doesnt have any health problems and she has been checked over by our doc to do with sexual health and there are no problems there either, i have tried everything to help the situation, taking her out for special evenings, i do loads around the house to make sure she is not too tired, i tell her how good she looks and that i love her all the time, by her own admission she says she just isnt that bothered and isnt that bothered about satisfying me either,she would just rather cuddle and no more,


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

pjp said:


> hi there, i havnt been on here for a few months, my marraige sexually is very one sided, i would like more sex but my wife cant be bothered, as long as she can cuddle me to feel safe thats ok for her, i have had many a discussion with her about the lack of sex and finally about 5 months ago i thought it had worked as our sex life was much better, it got better for about a month and has steadily got worse ever since, we now have sex about twice a month and i cant even say its good when we do, i initiated it the other night and it has put me off eventrying anymore, after a few minutes she just said "i cant be bothered but if you are desperate you can but dont expect me to do anything" i carried on for a moment and then gave up, i feel so stupid for thinking we had finally got back on track!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1



my wife and I have been married 47 years...Our marriage was in a bad place, to the point of discussing divorce...After a big blowout, she said someone told her about a book that might help....I was so desperate I ordered it that day....Ten bucks on ebay...

The book was "The 5 Love Languages"...I had NO hope the book would help...When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts


If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear 
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...

People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joind me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will se the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....

Good luck
the woodchuck


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

There are lots of similar threads on this forum. 

You need to change the dymanic of the relationship. Does she know how unhappy you are? Does she fear losing you?

Before you face being sexless the rest of your life, you have to think long and hard if you want to stay in this marriage.

You talking about leaving the marriage might make her want to "bother" to have fun with her husband.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i have tried a few books but my wife refuses to read them, we have also had a few discussions where the word divorse has come up, my wife says she loves me very much but doesnt realy need the sex part and is not willing to change things as she says she is very happy, the problem is how many times can we keep having these conversations for any change to only last a month if i am lucky, i love my wife very much but the contsant rejection is doing my head in.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

If she refuses to change, then you need to. I have not read all of your other posts to see the whole story. But if what you say is true, you might need to either file for divorce or set a deadline for filing.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Maybe it's time to stop talking and file. If that doesn't shock her out of this then unfortunately you will have your answer.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

"is not willing to change things as she says she is very happy"

How happy will she be when you file for divorce?
If this doesn't change her, then nothing will.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

the problem is i dont realy want to divorse and the thought of leaving my children is horrible, i dont understand why she cant be bothered as we had a great sex life a few years back, i love to satisfy her so why cant she want to.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

pjp said:


> our marraige is very good


Horse hockey. Take your head out of the sand. There are red flags all over the place.



> we dont argue very much at all


The biggest red flag. Couples that are partners argue--it's just part of life. When there's no arguments, then it means *one spouse has become overly submissive to the other.* 



> my wife doesnt have any health problems and she has been checked over by our doc to do with sexual health and there are no problems there either


Since there are no physical problems, it comes down one of the following:

Your wife, for emotional reasons, doesn't want to have sex
Your wife, for emotional reasons, doesn't want to have sex *with you*



> ...i have tried everything to help the situation, taking her out for special evenings, i do loads around the house to make sure she is not too tired, i tell her how good she looks and that i love her all the time


"If only I was a better husband and served my wife better she would more interested in a having sex with me." Typical "nice guy" attitude. Never works--never has, and never will. If anything, this will make your marriage worse--W O R S E--worse.



> by her own admission she says she just isnt that bothered


She isn't that bothered about not having sex *with you*. When the right guy crosses her path (and he will), she'll suddenly be bothered about not having sex--with him. 



> and isnt that bothered about satisfying me either,she would just rather cuddle and no more,


Because, she no longer respects you as a man, which is what happens to nice guys in marriage. Even though you're married, you've gone from boyfriend material to friend material in her mind. She might see you as a great husband and father, but she isn't seeing you as a great man--a masculine man.

Women are attracted sexually to men (masculine men). She may be a wife and mother, but she is also a woman. And, it is the woman part of her were her sexual desire resides. The woman part of her looks at you and sees a nice guy (a good husband and father), but doesn't see a man.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i am not that weak, i am still the boss in our house, i have tried the more dominating role for a number of months also, when we have discussed seperation she says she would be devastated, she then changes for about a month and thats it, in that month its very good, but it always reverts back, iam tired of being the one to try and make things happen.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

she doesnt want to change herself...she wants to change you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

pjp said:


> i am not that weak, i am still the boss in our house, i have tried the more dominating role for a number of months also, when we have discussed seperation she says she would be devastated, she then changes for about a month and thats it, in that month its very good, but it always reverts back, iam tired of being the one to try and make things happen.


So everything gets better when you put your foot down and show her what will happen if things don't change for the better. Then, when she thinks you are complacent, she goes back to her old routine. It sounds like you two need to have a serious discussion again, and that you need to let her know that you will follow through if she doesn't try to keep the marriage strong through intimacy.

The fear is that if you keep doing this, and things get better for a short period of time, that if you don't introduce real consequences that you are willing to deliver on if the change isn't more permanent, then the next time will be less effective. Eventually, she'll assume that you are all bark and no bite.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You cannot make your wife want to have sex with you. Only she can change her attitude.
If she is unwilling or unable to change then as I see it you have three options:

Blackmail or coerce her (more sex or I am off etc),
You can put up with a low / no sex marriage,
You can up and leave her.

I could not bring myself to do the first but that is just me.
Some might suggest staying with her but getting your sex elsewhere but that would be only a recipe for disaster.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> i would like more sex but my wife cant be bothered,... i have had many a discussion with her about the lack of sex ... it got better for about a month and has steadily got worse ever since, ... i feel so stupid for thinking we had finally got back on track!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


That's because you ARE stupid for thinking you were back on track.You first posted here last April about your lousy sex life. You whined to your wife and things got a little better. Then, in July, you were back. You whined to your wife and things got a little better. Then, in October, you were back. You whined to your wife and things got a little better. Now, you're back.

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that you will whine to your wife and things will get a little better for a month, then slowly decline until, three months later, you're miserable again. Wow! I must be psychic.

Look. Your wife refuses to change and you refuse to change. Why on Earth would you think that your marriage will change when both people in the marriage refuse to change? That's just stupid.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> i have tried a few books but my wife refuses to read them, we have also had a few discussions where the word divorse has come up, my wife says she loves me very much but doesnt realy need the sex part and is not willing to change things as she says she is very happy, the problem is how many times can we keep having these conversations for any change to only last a month if i am lucky, i love my wife very much but the contsant rejection is doing my head in.


You misunderstand. Of course your wife isn't going to read a book. She's go the perfect life. She has a butler who waits on her hand and foot. He tells her how awesome she is and how much he loves her. He hands over his paycheck. He helps her raise her children. He does housework. And she doesn't have to have sex with him. What's not to like?

And your masterplan is to whine to her that she has a problem and needs to change? Why? Because she's too happy? That's just stupid. You're the one with the problem. Not her. You're the one that needs to change. Not her.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

pjp said:


> the problem is i dont realy want to divorse and the thought of leaving my children is horrible, i dont understand why she cant be bothered as we had a great sex life a few years back, i love to satisfy her so why cant she want to.


Your marriage is a walk in the sunshine compared to what mine was just 3 months ago....Look at some of my threads from around last Oct.-Nov. The described a marriage hell.....

Buy the book and read it....Don't tell your wife about it, just let her see you reading it....She will get curious.........

If you think it will be hard getting her to read it, just think of what a hard time it was for me, A pissed off, horney, alpha male with an ATTITUDE...BUT I READ IT......

Good luck,.
The woodchuck


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> the problem is i dont realy want to divorse and the thought of leaving my children is horrible, i dont understand why she cant be bothered as we had a great sex life a few years back, i love to satisfy her so why cant she want to.


She knows you won't leave her. She's counting on it. That's why she's so secure in ignoring your needs. You serve her and she accepts your service. Those are the terms of your relationship. And I don't know why you're upset about it. You helped set the terms. You're like the guy who moves into a neighborhood with HOA covenants and then complains because you have to keep your grass cut.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How old are the kids?

Has your wife been checked for depression?

Is she on birth control?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> i am not that weak, i am still the boss in our house,


Wrong. You're not the boss. You're the paycheck. Your wife is the boss. Your wife tells you what to do and you do it. You meet your wife's needs and she doesn't meet yours. Which one sounds like the master and which one sounds like the servant? Be honest.



> when we have discussed seperation she says she would be devastated, she then changes for about a month and thats it, in that month its very good, but it always reverts back,


That's because your wife has figured you out. All she has to do is have sex with you a few times extra after you whine to her, and you'll shut up and think you've hit the lottery. After a month, she can start pulling back to her normal, once a month frequency, and it will take you two more months before you get worked up about it. Lather, rinse, repeat.



> iam tired of being the one to try and make things happen.


You haven't done anything. You've whined. That's it. And it doesn't work. Yet still you try. If you REALLY want to make things happen, stop meeting your wife's needs. Go out by yourself or with mixed groups of friends without your wife. Make her actually believe that you're preparing yourself to leave her. That might make things happen.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Look, pjp, you need to change your behavior. So far, you have refused. Your plan of action is to whine to your wife for the umpteenth time, and then accept her temporary, sexual peace offering. Then, things go right back to normal.

Obviously, whining doesn't do anything to your wife. At this point, your wife is like one of those people who need a white noise machine to sleep and your whining is the white noise she needs. You're just running after her shouting, "Change! Change! Change!" And she has tuned you out. She doesn't even hear it anymore.

Everyone here can tell you that you're wasting your time if you think that you can convince your wife that she needs to change. The only person you have any hope of changing is yourself. If you change yourself, your wife will probably react to you differently. There is a decent chance that she will give you more sex if you were different.

But you have steadfastly refused to change yourself. You try to force your wife to read books, so she will change. You try to cajole her into counseling, so she will change. You whine to your wife, so she will change. You threaten divorce (non seriously), so she will change. And it's not working. It's never going to work.

If you change, she might change. That's your only hope. All this other crap you're doing is just bluster. It's useless. It's worse than useless. It's harmful. You're wasting your time and effort and you're actually repelling your wife by doing it.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i dont believe in infidelity so thats not a choice, i dont want to leave either but i know i cant carry on like this for the rest of my life, and what would we be like when the children have left for uni!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

pjp said:


> hi there, our marraige is very good, we dont argue very much at all, we have 2 children, my wife doesnt have any health problems and she has been checked over by our doc to do with sexual health and there are no problems there either, i have tried everything to help the situation, taking her out for special evenings, i do loads around the house to make sure she is not too tired, i tell her how good she looks and that i love her all the time, by her own admission she says she just isnt that bothered and isnt that bothered about satisfying me either,she would just rather cuddle and no more,


Just because you don't argue much doesn't mean that your marriage is "very good."


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

pjp said:


> i dont believe in infidelity so thats not a choice, i dont want to leave either


Then you have to stop complaining because the only thing that will change this is you wanting to leave her over it.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

pjp said:


> i dont believe in infidelity so thats not a choice, i dont want to leave either but i know i cant carry on like this for the rest of my life, and what would we be like when the children have left for uni!


Stop looking at things so black and white. You have *more choices than* (1) accept the current situation, or (2) divorce. You have a third option: make your marriage into what *you want it to be.*

1) Set a goal (define YOUR vision of a perfect marriage)
2) Make a plan to get there
3) Start executing you plan

There is no magic bullet. There is no single, simple answer. Nobody said it would be quick and easy.

Start executing your plan. Sure, you'll have to make some course corrections along the way, but just keep heading toward your goal. You'll get there...eventually.

Also, stop dong the things that don't work. As you have found out, whining and threatening divorce don't work to further your goal, so stop doing them. Only do the things that further your goal; that move you another step closer to *your* desired destination.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

pjp said:


> i am not that weak, i am still the boss in our house, i have tried the more dominating role for a number of months also, when we have discussed seperation she says she would be devastated, she then changes for about a month and thats it, in that month its very good, but it always reverts back, iam tired of being the one to try and make things happen.




Here is my almost stock answer...It is my almost stock answer because it saved my marriage....

Last November our relationship was in a bad place. My wife and I decided divorce was not the answer, so we bought the book.

The 5 Love Languages". It has improved our relationship tremendously....

It is a set of tools that allow a couple to fulfill each others emotional needs.....It can be read in a weekend, and in my case showed results within the first month...

All it takes is BOTH partners wanting it to work....I was a total skeptic...I fully intended to skim through it in a couple of hours and $hit can it...It changed me much for the better....

Your wife dosn't know what it takes to fulfill you emotionally...and will do a better job at it if you start fulfilling her...For ten bucks, ya got nothing to loose...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Pjp I am sorry your stuck in the spin cycle with your wife. It appears your to the point that idol threats and pointed conversations won't work. Its time to put some shock value behind it to permanently jolt her out of her comfort zone.

Why don't you get to business card one from a matriage counselor specializing in sex therapy and a divorse attorney. Give them to her and ask her which one she would like you to make an appointment for. Don't give her an out....set the line in the sand. Marriage counseling and sex atleast 2-3times a week or off to the divorse attorney. You have let her passify you in the short term to get you calmed down off you frustration and she gets to go back to her way. Thiz is a control issue and she is wearing you down. You need to plant your feet in the ground and don't waiver. The 5 love languages is a good suggestion too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? It addresses how lack of sex cause men to feel unloved. 
If she has no interest in meeting your needs is she okay with you having your needs met outside the marriage? Or does she expect you to be celibate? 
Remind her that you are a man, not a monk. Wedding vows include fidelity not celibacy. Perhaps she needs to be reminded that even the church recognizes lack of sex as a valid reason for divorce.


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## kandlestick (Feb 17, 2013)

This is frustrating! Don't feel stupid you are not a mind reader. I say have the talk with her again and tell her that you would like an active partner during intimacy not a dead fish. I think that would only worsen the situation with no effort on her part. Good luck I feel for you


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

pjp said:


> i dont believe in infidelity so thats not a choice, i dont want to leave either but i know i cant carry on like this for the rest of my life, and what would we be like when the children have left for uni!


It is really frustrating to "hear" this story again and again. You say your are the boss of the house. *BS!* You are a whiney wimp who is too afraid of losing something that he already has lost it. If you are unwilling to act, unwilling to accept the possibility of being divorced and moving on with someone who actually *does* care about you, then you have NO CHANCE of changing your life. Just suck it up and live with it.

I would propose that you actually demonstrate to your wife that you are worthy of more and willing to get it.: *file*. Do you think your children are better off in a home you are unhappy than seeing both their parents in loving relationships?

We teach people how to treat us. You have demonstrated and taught your wife that you are not important and that she can ignore you and everything will be fine. Your problems are your own.


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