# Going through Seperation following wife's affair



## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, 

I am new to the forum but felt the need to tell my story.

I have been married for almost 10 years and have 3 children, aged 7, 5 and 3, I'm 34 and my wife is 31. My 3 year old has a form of Juvenile Arthritis which has meant he needs a lot of care and it's been a stressful couple of years since he was diagnosed but he is starting to do well now and recover

Over the course of our Marriage we have had a number of problems, I had a gambling problem which made me bankrupt 3 years ago. I have recovered but it took a lot of support from my wife. It made me depressed and quite miserable at times and undobtedly this affected her, but she forgave me at the time and we worked through it.

18 months ago my wife lost 5 stones in weight, changing her appearance and making her much more confident. she took over the slimming business which she used to lose the weight. this has meant over time we have seen less and of each other, sharing looking after the kids and covering for each other while we work etc. it's been a tough time.

Before the kids we were very romantic, but gradually as we had more kids we became more practical which i guess is normal. I had a vesectomy to stop us having more children with the idea that it would help us become romantic again but despite a few phases this has not really happened.

Three months ago we got a family dog, from an old friend of both of ours but someone she knew from school days. he had seperated from his wife and couldn't take the dog with him to his new rented house. After we got the dog he sent her a few texts asking how the dog was etc but unbeknown to me they also discussed a lot about their lives, particulary how unhappy my wife was. 

At around the same time my wife started to go out socialising a lot more with her freinds from the neighbourhood, often coming in very late. a month ago my wife started suggesting she was unhappy and felt like our marraige was in trouble. i didn't suspect another man on the scene, just presumed it was a result of everything we had been through. However I eventually forced it out of her that she had been having a relationship with this other guy (dog man) both sexually and also meeting up, talking etc

Since I found out I tried to talk her round and stayed at the house for a while whilst we have talked a lot, she goes on about the past a lot but she has blatantly carried on the affair in front of me, staying at his house a couple of times when she needed space and also meeting him at the park and cafe's with my kids as they all know his name and he gave them sweets etc.

A month has passed now and i've moved out of the house and am devastated by it all. She has removed all memories of me from the house and has been seen with him by my friends with the kids and without. She says what she feels with him is different but she seems to be moving very fast. I called round the other day and he was at the house during the day with his daughter and my kids and it made me feel very sick.

I am struggling to deal with the whole situation. Everything is happening so fast that i can't think in 3 months that she is willing to give everything we had up for this other guy who she seems to want to spend every hour of the day with.

I can't work out if she is having some kind of mid life crisis, actually wants this guy, doesn't want me...it's very confusing and every day seems to go on forever,

I feel like I have made a fool of myself by getting upset and pleading with her to think about what she is doing but I am struggling to control my emotions. i am trying to just let them get on with things but it's very hard, not only does it feel I am losing my wife and family, i feel I am losing it to another man and all so fast.

I still see the kids but not overnight as I have no new home as yet so i feel they think i have deserted them and when i see them they are uspet that i can't stay.

Everyone says i need time but it's hard to get through each day without thinking about her and them


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

This is a very tough situation you're in right now. So many spouses appear like they had forgiven their partner for past sins, but in reality is really just harboring it. I feel like this is the case for your wife, who appeared like she has forgiven you for what you've done in the past but is really just stuck in the situation at that time. kids, no job, low self esteem, etc. She's only 31 and is too young to be in a mid-life crisis, if there ever is really such a thing as mid-life crisis. My advice to you is be the best that you can be. You can't do anything at this point, begging, pleading and asking her to rebuild your marriage is only going to fall on deaf ears. She has someone right now who is presenting her a better option than your marriage, it's simply the social exchange theory of marriage, a spouse who feels like the grass is greener on the other side, will naturally go to that place. Work on improving yourself, I know it's tough, been there, done that. Work out, exercise is a natural way of letting your endorphins flow, it's a natural stress and pain fighter. Eat healthy and take care of yourself, love your children the best way you can and best way the current situation allows you. It's going to be horrible during the night, when loneliness sets in, and the bout of "what ifs" starts creeping in. But each day is a path to getting better. Let your wife be at this moment. When you came to a place where you have your confidence and strength again, she may think that she was a fool for not fighting for your marriage, or she may not. But whatever you do, do it for yourself from now on.
good luck and pray for strength.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I am sorry you are going through this. Once I discovered my spouse cheating, I was devastated. I lost weight and my world turned upside down. It has been 2 years. We are still together but things are still rocky as we never found out what behaviors sent him on that path.

Your wife is living in fantasy land. My spouse did it for about 3 months after I discovered the affair. The other life doesnt have bills, kids, nagging and life responsibilites. It was hard for him to let go but at that time he loved his family more than her. She was just convenient.

Dont do anything just yet. This thing will burn out but it is painful going through it. Get into counseling for yourself and keep in close contact with your kids. Say to yourself, you have no control over her and whether you worry about what she is doing, she will do it anyway. Save yourself from the anxiety and be the better person, and pray for strength. Dont dwell on what she is doing, and I know this is really hard, I am still struggling with it, but my anxiety is less when I force myself to say, you cannot control what he does and I have no more room for negative thoughts. I may have to do this 3-10 times a day, but I feel stronger than I did at day 1.

Good luck to you and find a way, chant, meditate, walk to lessen your anxiety.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks for your nice responses. She has said to me that she is much happier since I have left and that a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She says its almost like she has woken up. She says she doesn't know if thats the new man, her weight loss, being a business woman or our history or a combination of all of them. I believed her at the time but the amount she see's the new man in her life and the fact she blatantly does it makes me think it is that that has been the major factor.

I feel she is bound to be happy becuase she has something new in her life, as you say a better option than where she was before. She still lives in the house with the kids and they are on school holidays here in the UK so there is little pressure of after school clubs and running around to be done as the 3 of them are together most if not all of the time. 

I have tried to stay strong and have been to the doctor for sleeping pills etc which have helped. i am a very sporty person and eat healthily anyway so thats not a problem although i have lost a lot of weight through stress and skiping meals due to feeling sick. 

I have taken the view to leave her be but going back to the house to see the kids and not having a pre-arranged days to see them for long periods of time mean that i have to talk to her a fair bit to organise that.

I am torn as to how quickly top find my own place to live so I can have them overnight. It seems a big commitment away from the marraige to do that but like you say, at the moment there is no reason for me to think she is going to change her mind in the short term.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

You mentioned a couple of times that things were going really fast with your wife, and you also mentioned that the OM (other man) had separated from his wife as well. When two people who have been unhappy in their marriages for a while get together, things do tend to go very fast. It is like they are finally getting the "love" they haven't had for a long time and are completely into each other. Yes, it is very much fantasy land for both of them--something that will probably only last for a couple more months (IMO). I think it is important for you to get a place. Don't sign any year contract anywhere, but just get something that is month to month. You need a place to call your own while you are sorting through all of these things including the relationship. It might also be helpful to get yourself into some individual counseling to better deal with everything that is happening. Best of luck to you!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

You are not alone. There are many of us going through similar situations. That does give some solace, at least to me. 

Well, it's not right that you are the one out of the house. She is having the affair and, in all respects, should be the one to leave. If, as in my case, you are both on the deed, then you can't kick her out (at least here in TN). I suspect she is belligerent, as my wife was, about her not leaving the house. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is extremely painful being away from the kids. This is only my 3rd day of separation and I miss my kids like crazy. Here is what we worked out on being with the kids. I spend Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights with my parents. She spends Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights with her sister. That gives us both time to be with the kids. Some people alternate weeks. She gets the kids one week, you get them the next.

The whole things sucks, but the worst part of your story to me is the not having a set time to be with the kids. At this point, I don't really care if I ever see my STBXW again. But I miss my kids like crazy. I can't imagine not having a set time to be with them to look forward to. I think that would be the first thing I would work out, if I was in your shoes. A set time to be with your kids. Playing with them, hearing them laugh, seeing them smile, their precious hugs and kisses are the best things on earth. I hope you are able to set up a fair arrangement where you get plenty of time to enjoy your children.

You have to detach yourself from her emotionally. It is hard and takes concentration and time. Exercise does help. Where are you staying now?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Thanks for your nice responses. *She has said to me that she is much happier since I have left *and that a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She says its almost like she has woken up. She says she doesn't know if thats the new man, her weight loss, being a business woman or our history or a combination of all of them. I believed her at the time but the amount she see's the new man in her life and the fact she blatantly does it makes me think it is that that has been the major factor.
> 
> I feel she is bound to be happy becuase she has something new in her life, as you say a better option than where she was before. She still lives in the house with the kids and they are on school holidays here in the UK so there is little pressure of after school clubs and running around to be done as the 3 of them are together most if not all of the time.
> 
> ...


How nice for her. A little bit of rubbing your nose in it. I feel for you. She is deep into her affair. All has a nice glow. 

Good luck to you. I guess once things got to this point I could not see me reconsiling. But you need to decide for yourself. I think you need to work on your new life and you will have a changing perspective as that happens.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

I am currently staying at my mum and dads...I can see the kids no problem and the only reason she is at the house is because the kids are so young and i leave for work at 7am and get back at 5am wheras she works shorter hours so can get the to school and now it's the holidays she can get them to childcare the days she is working.

The kids ring me and i've spent a fair bit of time with them so far which is great, they are just sad I am not at the house and do talk about stuff they have done with OM and my wife which is tough to take at this point.

My wife still refers to me as her best friends and wept on me when we told the kids for a long time that evening just 2 weeks ago. 

Things are still very raw, i'm more sad than angry at the moment to be honest as are all her family, mine and our friends because lots of people know us and also know the OM so it's common knowledge...again which is tough


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Not having a good day today....really finding it hard to let go. I am seeing the kids but also of course seeing my wife at the same time and find it really hard not to to talk to her about the situation. When i do she is unmoved and I always feel stupid for trying when i come away.

The kids are very confused and upset by whats happening, especially as she is spending time with the OM around them and they are getting concerned that he is around more than Daddy when i talk to them. 

I feel very sad and lonely, she went out on Sunday when I had the kids and came back having spent the afternoon drinking with him. I've also found out she is going to a wedding with him in a week or so's time when I have the children for a couple of days.

We are still being generally amicable and I can see she is struggling living on her own with the kids but i've not got my own place yet as I paid the bills this month before she gets her benefits

She says her relationship with the OM is a slow burner which makes me wonder what is going to happen with the house, whether they will move into together, he says they will, she doesn't seem to want to commit to him becuase it's too soon. It's all just a mess


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi Cheesy, I am right there with you. Having a real craptastic day. My emotions have been off the charts and I would like it to end.

I wish I had good advice for you. I read today, walked to the beach with my boys (8,6) but the tears just won't stop.

My kids were told today that daddy wont be living here anymore and that we will move back to the states very soon. They don't get it just yet. I feel so bad for them. They will be lucky to see their father once a year now. Im just overwhelmed.

I am at the point where I don't want to talk to my H because it causes anxiety. He drops the bomb and now wants me to play nice. I don't know how you do it being cordial knowing she is with the OM. You have some great inner strength. I hope to get there.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I somehow need to keep telling myself that she is having an affair and she doesn't want me anymore, she keeps playing down her affair and blaming the fact she has changed and our past but I am sure she is just trying to be nice to me.

I am trying to find somewhere to live but it's difficult financially to find a home to rent big enough for the 3 kids to stay over whilst paying maintenance and keeping up the mortgage payments on the house as at the moment we've not decided what to do about the house so have to keep paying the mortgage to keep a roof over the kids heads.

I'm trying my best not to think about her today but it's really difficult...not seeing her or the kids till Thursday and it seems such a long way off


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I think at the point where she was taking my kids out with the OM I would see about getting the law involved, or at least talk to a solicitor. Having an affair is one thing (BAD), having an affair in front of you and slapping you in the face is another (BAD AND INSULTING), but acting like a family with MY kids and the OM before I am legally divorced (NOT GOING TO HAPPEN). Sorry Cheesy, I feel so bad for you. It seems to me that you would have the right to put a stop to that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wait a sec...

she had the affair

yet you moved out
she gets the house
she gets the kids
she has the OM acting as Dad

wtf?

why haven't you stopped any of this?

get a lawyer


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Get a lawyer. Move back into the house. If you leave the house, you lose any chance of getting meaningful custody.

Go to dadsdivorce.com, and read and follow "The List".

Assuming you want to play an active role in your kids lives.... Move back in. Now.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

RunningOnEmpty said:


> Get a lawyer. Move back into the house. If you leave the house, you lose any chance of getting meaningful custody.
> 
> Go to dadsdivorce.com, and read and follow "The List".
> 
> Assuming you want to play an active role in your kids lives.... Move back in. Now.


Yes Cheesy, you don't want her to pull the abandonement card on you; you seem to have already given everything else up. Move back in. Anything that makes her upset from here on out is her doing anyway. Either arrange for you to live in separate rooms, or come to an agreement about sharing the house where you stay a few days a week and she stays a few days a week. Or alternate weeks but whatever you do, don't give the appearance that you moved out on them. She won't be looking out for your best interests believe me.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks for the replies...

Yes I moved out of the house because the the kids need to live there as it's near their school and friends and I didn't want to unsettle them any more than neccessary. I leave for work early in the morning so am not able to take the kids to school and don't get back in time to pick them up so my wife is staying in the house for now so she can do that.

I moved to my mum and dads to save up to get a new place to live. We have a joint mortgage so in time we will either sell the house or she can buy me out...or if eventually if she moves out with OM then i will move back in.

With regard to him playing Dad, I spoke to her about this tonight. The kids just see him as one of their friends dads and he has not being staying overnight at the house. I go there 3 nights a week to put them to bed now and also have them split time over weekends...sometimes at the house and she goes out of the way so it's not as bad as it may have appeared.

I agree that she has the best of the deal...but I am so concious of the kids moving out of their home when they are so happy there that maybe I am just putting them first for a while.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

@Cheesy. I don't believe that the folks on here, including me, were suggesting that kids be moved out. Almost everyone on here, if not everyone on here, agrees that the kids should remain in their normal environment as much as possible.

I am not sure about the UK but, in some of the states in the US, when a spouse leaves the marital home, it can be considered abandonement by the court. In other words, if our SO over here wanted to be vindictive, they could get a lawyer/solicitor to file abandonement charges against you - and that would really damage custodial rights in the future. It may not be that way where you are though so I dunno. Just wanted to be clear that I do not think anyone on here was talking about removing the kids from their home and/or school.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi, I see where you are coming from but there is no way i would be seen as abandoning the kids by her becuase we have agreed that i can see them as much as I can now and more so when i get a place. They are staying with me at my parents tonight and a bit over the weekend so looking forward to that.

I do regret a little moving out of the house but it didn't help me mentally coping with the situation immediately, trying to over talk the situation and lots of begging and pleading meant it was very difficult. I've found it easier moving out.

It's 3 weeks since I moved out now and 5 weeks since she told me about the affair (i probably worked it out a week before that). I'm doing slightly better, I still miss her and the security of being in a relationship as most of the time i just feel sick and can't concentrate on anything else i'm doing properly, that i easing though.

I'm not going for the 180 yet, although i have stopped talking about us a couple anymore. She is starting to notice things I am doing differently and is starting to ask me more what I am doing etc which I find interesting more than anything else.

She is taking the kids away for a few days next week and I am meeting her there to take over the rest of the week. We have a 2 night crossover at the place we are staying to make the transition easier for the kids so that will be interesting.

I'm just trying to concentrate on the things she mentioned i might have not done so well in our marriage and think about how I can make myself a better person moving forwards. Part of me hopes she notices that and realises, if her affair fails, that she perhaps let it cloud her judgement of what we really had together, but thats not my main aim....if it happens...it happens


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I agree with you on the 180 thing. Some parts of it are great but the no contact thing to me seems to me to be counterproductive to the possibility of a reconciliation. I don't think it's good to have no communication at all if there is still a chance. I know what you mean about the in-house seperation; my W and I have been in an in-house separation for over 4 months now. There were some very very difficult times but we are a lot better with each other now.

Also, I think that when you say you are changing for the better, to be a better person, that is great BUT - don't lose sight of the fact that both of you are at fault for a failing marriage. It's great that you are changing bad habits but what about her! I am sure, that other than the affair she is having, she has some shortcomings as well. From experience, I can say that my W and I fed off of each other so my bad behavoirs were caused by her bad behaviors and vice versa. We were just toxic around each other and neither one of us knew how to change the downhill spiral. Being apart from each other (even while being in the same house) gave each of us time to reflect on where we have failed and what our weaknesses were. In the end, it all comes down to communication. It takes more learning and practice to communicate properly than people think.

I hope you get things worked out favourably for both of you. Best wishes to you.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks Brighterlight...I've had a shocking day over here in the UK today...yesterday (Sunday) I packed the kids off with their mum to Wales on holiday and moved back into the family home for a few days until i go down to meet them. I'm not sure if it was the house with little trace of me in it, the fact that the kids are away with her somewhere wehere we go every year or the fact that i saw her and she looked so great...probably a combination of all of them that seems to have set me back...I caved in with a stupid, 'I still love you' which got me a huge hug from her, again which probably didn't help me.

I have agreed in principle on a new place to rent for 6 months, big enough for me to have all 3 kids over and a bit of a garden for them to play in, it's ideal really and everyone thinks it's a good idea...I just can't get interested in it at all. I've had all her family and extended family call me since they went, showing support, saying they all love me and most of them offering me stuff for the new house, furniture etc...it's nice but at the same time a bit weird. They all hate the way she is behaving and she isn't talking to them at all about the situation.

I went to see a neighbour who is one of her best friends and knows about the situation and is also leaving her husband (conviently). She weirdly said she wasn't leaving me for the OM and that he wants to move in with her in a few months but she doesn't. It's all very confusing and still raw for me...but she appears more than happy with the situation...on the outside anyway...and through the OM has a new circle of friends and social life which she engages in when i've got the kids...it's tough to deal with I have to admit

Hope everyone is ok and thanks to everyone for their comments and support, it is making it easier to deal with


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, quick update for you all

Today is my birthday...35...we've been seperated for about 7 weeks now and i've just come back from a holiday with my kids where I spent a couple of days with my wife too. We managed to talk about our problems and we both admitted our faults, I want to fix them, she doesn't. She spoke about the OM, saying he wanted her more than she wanted him, that she was wary of moving too fast with him for the kids etc, it was all very bizarre. I told her I had somewhere to live and she was ok with it but worried about the finality of it all. We got on just as before, without any affection towards each other...but when she left and probably spent time with the OM, i've come back to the same old frosty her who doesn't want to talk about anything but practicalities. On holiday she said (after a glass of wine or two) that she didn't want a divorce...but now she says thats only becuase it is a bit soon.

I've decided to leave her be, sad as it is...move on into my new house. it's a killer though, feel my best friend has gone...and the fact that she has gone to someone else makes me even more sad


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, sorry for constantly updating my thread but in some ways it helps.

I spoke to someone today who knows the OM in my wife's affair. He had a drink and let slip that they are hopelessly in love, spend every minute together they can together and are both happier than they have ever been in their lives

Its so hard to take as she is trying her best to me nice to me and lying about how serious her relationship is with him (it's only been about 4 months, 2 since i found out) to me and her family to protect herself

I so want things to be different but i am finding it impossible to let her go


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Again apologies for continually updating my thread but I kind of find it strangely theraputic. 

I moved into my own rented house on Sunday, the first couple of days have been really strange but it does feel good to have a little independance from my parents who have been looking after me for a month.

I went back to the house last night and removed some things like the TV, one of the sofa's etc. Spoke to my wife and she was saying she had struggled emotionally whilst I had been moving in and when i left last night she was in tears. 

Is this just the guilt of what she is doing to me finally kicking in?


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Yes, her safety net is moving forward.

Good for you.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah maybe so...it's still really hard to see her upset though, she just emailed me to apologise for crying, the thought of me being sat on my own in my new house and it all being her fault is taking it's toll she says followed by her saying that maybe she isn't a heartless ***** after all.

Weird how someone else can make your life such a mess in such a short space of time


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Don't apolgize for posting! You need to read up on 180 hard. Your wife is CAKE EATING! You are still seen as a safty net. You might even go so far as to file for D on her. Good luck.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

My STBXH is the one that had the affair and didnt give a hoot when I cried. He says he did nothing wrong..Just a friend BS

I hope you keep moving forward. 
I am. Legal separation first and then Divorce...then is no looking back, no matter what he says or does at this point.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah i've read a lot about the 180. I can see the plus side of it but it's very difficult for do it in full becuase I have 3 very young kids and they take a lot of sorting out between us so at the moment we have pretty much daily communication about them, the youngest has juvenile arthritis too (he's 3) so we need to inject him twice a week together so no contact is pretty difficult. 

I am getting better at not talking about us as much, she does know that i would prefer to work at my marraige than end it, that might give the impression of a safety net but I guess the less I talk about it and the more I try to move the more she might wonder if that is still the case.

I am going to leave it a little while until i get settled in my new house before i start thinking about divorce and what to do about the old house, I have enough to think about at the moment I think


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Cheesy. The 180 degrees is NOT a tool for the purpose of manipulating an unfaithful spouse to return to the betrayed spouse and work their tail off to rebuild the marriage. What the 180 degrees IS is a tool to emotionally strengthen the betrayed spouse so that he/she can move on with his/her life with or without their unfaithful spouse. It has nothing to do with No Contact or going dark on the unfaithful spouse.

The confusion arises from when a fence sitting unfaithful spouse finally realizes that their betrayed spouse no longer will wait for them to return and is moving on with his/her life. In those cases, the emotional detachment and strength exhibited by the betrayed spouse becomes a powerful attractant to the unfaithful spouse who panics because he/she realizes that the betrayed spouse no longer cares to remain married and is no longer interested in the unfaithful spouse. This is a side effect that happens only where an unfaithful spouse is undecided about forming a lasting relationship with their AP (affair partner) but is also undecided to recommit to return to their betrayed spouse. 

Nevertheless the purpose of the 180 is the emotional strengthening of the betrayed spouse whether or not the marriage continues or ends.

Please read the following from my thread titled 'Let Them Go'



> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> ...


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

she already disrespected you by doing this. leave her.. you will see in the future she and the son of a ***** OM will be dogs. they are dogs not human. tell her this.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

useable said:


> she already disrespected you by doing this. leave her.. you will see in the future she and the son of a ***** OM will be dogs. they are dogs not human. tell her this.


That's an insult to dogs comsidering they are more trustworthy and loyal than humans could ever possibly be.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

brighterlight said:


> I agree with you on the 180 thing. Some parts of it are great but the no contact thing to me seems to me to be counterproductive to the possibility of a reconciliation. I don't think it's good to have no communication at all if there is still a chance.


I disagree, NC is important because as long as they think they can come back to you at any time they will not want to. You make yourself a backup plan that they hope they never have to use. You have to use reverse psychology because she will instinctively want to do the opposite of what you say. Tell her you only want her to be happy and you are glad she is with him and you will be filing for a divorce so they can be together. That will freak her the hell out. 

You can't "nice" and talk someone out of an A. Being nice only makes you look weak and in many ways enables affairs. From what I read, the biggest group of people that R almost immediately after DD are the one that filed for a D. 

I've been through this, I had 2 false Rs (one lasting 6 months) and one real R and the real one came when I did NOT want to reconcile. I told my W that "I want to get this embarrassment of a marriage over with" and surprise, she decided then to come back. She had to talk me into taking her back.

180 and using tough love works. Her A won't last forever, I suspect the cracks to appear around the 6 month mark. Over 90% of affairs die within 2 years and for a good reason.

The best, most effective way to wake her up is to stop talking to her, show no emotions and be indifferent towards the M, and if anything, act happy that you get to be free without her. Also file for a D, reading these post looks like doormat behavior and one reason she is leaving is from lack of respect (and self respect). Filing for a D shows strength and tells her you won't put up with her walking on you. 

If there's a snowballs chance in hell to get her back (which may not be in your best interest considering her blatant cheating) it will from you running away from her.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks for the comments people. I've not been on for a while and i've just read through all my posts.

I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last week or so and been settling into my new house. I was doing really well until last night when I had a bad night with the kids and felt really sad about everything. I went to see her the next day and without even thinking started pouring my heart out to her...I'm so mad with myself for it but it's done.

I see what you are saying about doormat behaviour and you are right, i need to man up a bit more. i just guess i've never been in this situation before and learning what is best to do is hard because it goes against your natural reactions.

I have a feeling things with the OM are cooling a bit, he certainly isn't seeing my kids at all now, i've put a stop to that and she agreed it was wrong and she apolgised for it. She still maintains she is happier on her own, although in the time when I have the kids I am sure she isn't.

I've told her that i don't want my marraige back, not the way it had been for the last year...and that if we ever did get back together it would have to be totally different. She agreed and said maybe in time who knows. I know from what i've read that is probably seen as 'cake eating' but it kind of suits me because it gives me time to work out what i want from life and whether despite my heart saying i love her, whether i really still do


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, having a really bad morning. Spent nearly all weekend with my kids, had a great time but all i seemed to be able to think about was my wife having free time and spending it with the OM. I have no idea whether she was or not, apart from i know they were in a opub together in our town on Saturday night.

I dropped the kids off and she looked exhausted, like she had been up all night. 

I have all the right thoughts to cut her out of my mind but I just find it impossible to do...I just picture a life of picking up and dropping off the kids, i love having them but not seeing them everyday is killing me


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Hi everyone, having a really bad morning. Spent nearly all weekend with my kids, had a great time but all i seemed to be able to think about was my wife having free time and spending it with the OM. I have no idea whether she was or not, apart from i know they were in a opub together in our town on Saturday night.
> 
> I dropped the kids off and she looked exhausted, like she had been up all night.
> 
> I have all the right thoughts to cut her out of my mind but I just find it impossible to do...I just picture a life of picking up and dropping off the kids, i love having them but not seeing them everyday is killing me


Hey Bro I understand what you are going through, It's not very fun. My W is dating all kinds of guys, apparently having tons of fun, very few responsibilities, just what she always wanted I guess, but I have no idea how she has made it last even this long I guess I never gave her enough credit?? I feel stuck in a rut, heartbroken, unwanted, rejected and desperately trying to stave off the blame she put on me. When I have my son it is full-tilt, hard to plan to have someone there all the time to give me a break so it's go-go-go from 6am until 10pm, rewarding but very tiring. When he is not there it is just so lonely and of course there is catching up on all the mess that is left behind... It is not a very fun balance, not the kind of balance that comes with a cohesive family - though I never really had much of that in the marriage anyway so it isn't much different. Just more pining for the life I've wanted. Atleast I still know what I want in life, but feel like that is never going to be possible now.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Cheesy - I can so relate to your story. I am living through the same hell with my H. He started having an affair and would deny, lie and disappear for hours. He would pick fights and act like he hated me. After fighting heavily, I kicked him out in May. Since then, he has openly been dating/living with an "undesirable" woman. He says he loves me but cannot live with me any longer. I offered counseling and gave him my "terms" list that he would have to do in order for us to begin rebuilding our relationship. He has done nothing to stop his relationship and is in a fog most days. He has lost touch with all our friends, his family and only hangs out with her and her bar friends.

Last week, he brought this woman to breakfast with my daughter. I was livid, and crushed. I emailed him to explain we are still married and that his behaviour around my daughter is totally unacceptable. He behaves as if he is no longer married and that I am an obstacle in his way towards total happiness. 

I tried reasoning, begging, yelling and finally went to NC other than email about child or finance issues.

Today is my 15 yr anniversary and I will be avoiding all contact with him. I have been depressed, sad, angry and numb. 

After many, many mistakes in getting us to reconcile, I have started to let go. I spoke to a lawyer and will be filing for divorce in the next few weeks. 

I really wanted to work it out with him, but cannot control anything he does any longer. He has spoken loud and clear by his silence and actions that he know longer wants to be married. 

I am hoping that after I file, I will begin to feel better about myself without feeling hopeful that he will be returning to us, his family.

BTW - My H affair partner is a real peach. 4 DUIS, fired from last job for anger issues, 2 evictions, and knowlingly got involved with a married man with a child. 

This is why I am so pissed and protective of my daughter having any contact with her. 

Good Luck! Hopefully soon we will both be in a better place emotionally.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

FrustratedFL - It's good to know people are going through the same things, even though it sucks all round.

I wish i was at the point you are where you have realised that divorce is the best option to move on. I just can't get myself to that point.

I decided that the time for begging and pleading was over...probably too late but at the end of the day I found it hard to stop when i saw her and I have to see her loads becuase of the kids, injecting my son for his illness etc.

Since I've stopped begging, relationship with my wife have improved no end, almost getting on too well which is now causing me a problem! It's impossible this situation. I know find myself in a situation where I feel close to me wife again and i can't work out if she is just being nice out of guilt becuase she doesn't want to reconcile she seems to just want to be friends, maybe who knows

I know 'cake eating' etc but we have always been a very close couple, best of friends...and I find it impossible to turn off...as does she. It's like she can bring herself to do bad things to me but she can't bring herself to say bad things to me.

I need some strength from somewhere...I'm doing rubbish on my own even with support of friends and feel desperately down today


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Had no sleep last night and yet woke today somehow to the realisation that my marriage is almost certainly over.

I have been taking strides to improve myself and doing so depsite the emotional setbacks of the seperation. We had been getting along better and she said this morning that 'she hoped it wasn't confusing me' ... she said she didn't feel any different at all despite my efforts.

I suggested we should talk about divorce, she said she hadn't thought about it but if it would give me some closure then maybe we should.

I feel deflated...and left with 3 kids to look after 3 nights a week on my own, one of which has arthritis whilst my wife has the 'love' and affection of her other man and lots of her friends


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

So have you decided that letting her cake eat doesn't really work for you yet?


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hey Lon...I think i am getting to that point yes...I still find it all ridiculous but last night when she dropped the kids off I politely asked her where she was going in the evening. She said she was going to the pub with OM, it's the first time she has openly told me she was going somewhere with him without lying about it or playing it down.

I didn't take it too well and we had what for us were crossed words, we rarely used to row at all. She basically said that our whole marriage had been based around me and I hadn't cared about her at all. it was upsetting to hear and i feel that in the 3 months since she dropped the bomb I hadn't really moved forward enough.

I guess starting today si where I need to realise that she doesn't want me at all anymore and the situation I am in is here to stay rather than hoping that it will somehow rectify itself in time.

People say to me that 3 months is no time at all but to me it feels like an age and in that time despite getting my own place, arranging to have the kids 3 nights a week and doing things with them at the weekend, in terms of letting go of my wife i've not really achieved anything, where as she seems much more comfortable with the whole situation.

I must now try and have less contact and try and move on for me, maybe go back to see the doctor and ask for some councelling. Her words and comments about our marriage lend me now to believe that there is nothing about me she is going to miss in terms of reconciling so it must be all about healing me rather than doing things to make her want me back...sad as that is to come to terms with, i wish I had the strength that some people have on here to move on


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You want to heal and move on? Do the 180 degrees rules and download and read the free ebook 'No More Mr Nice Guy' and read 'Just Let Them Go' below my signature. Pain is inevitable, misery is not.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

yeah I think it's time, maybe I've waited too long but better late than never! I'll do the 180 rule as far as I can with the contact needed for the kids etc

Deleted her and all her friends off facebook as that annoyed me, I will have to see her tonight to pcik up and drop off my son but will be polite and stay for as little time as possible...the rest of my life starts today


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Morituri, I read everything you suggested and have felt a little better about things over the weekend. I spoke to her on Friday evening when I dropped my son off and said that if she was happier without me and with the OM then I was happy for her. i said she had been weak for having an affair rather than confronting the situation with me first and that although I had hoped we would spend our whole lives together, if she no longer wants that then there is no point me continuing to try and persuade her to do it.

I have managed to get on more this weekend as a result, i do feel like i have given up in some respects but at the same time I have spent less time thinking about her over the last couple of days. 

I had the kids over the weekend and she'd been out and bought them new clothes and stuff, when i dropped them off she asked if I wanted to stay for a coffee, I politely said no thanks and left


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Locard said:


> Don't apolgize for posting! You need to read up on 180 hard. Your wife is CAKE EATING! You are still seen as a safty net. You might even go so far as to file for D on her. Good luck.


I agree! My DS and I are preparing to separate and she has been engaging in some serious cake eating - she has been so adamant that we remain friends because I know that she still gets a certain sense of comfort with me and she has been venting about issues she has created by deciding to end the marriage. I pretty much told her that I don't want to hear about it anymore. She can realize what life will be like without me.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

yeah, it seems more difficult because of the OM. I know the 180 is for me and do feel it will help me in time...but at the same time so soon after the seperation (only 3 months) its hard to force yourself to give up on something you have worked at for so long. There is also kind of the fear that she will be much happier without me...which although may well be true, it does enhance the feeling of rejection. I will get there in the end tho...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Not accepting her invitation for coffee was a good start Cheesy, keep it up.

Detaching yourself from your wife is for your own emotional well being. It also puts the burden on the OM on meeting all of your wife's emotional needs. OM seldom marry the married women with whom they have affairs with because they aren't looking for a long term committed relationship with them. An extra-marital affair is a type of rebound relationship and in the vast majority of cases, they have a relatively short shelf life. Am I saying that this is going to be the case in your situation? I don't know because it depends on the OM and your wife. But if he is the typical OM that just wants some good times with a married woman, then the answer is a definite yes.

In the meantime keep taking care of yourself by eating right, exericising, and getting plenty of sleep. And force yourself to go out and meet new people, including women, for it will do you a world of good and more importantly, give you the necessary confidence that you will be fine no matter what happens. I can't say the same thing as far as your wife is concerned, but then again she has made her bed and now has to lie in it.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah i certainly felt better for it! I had the kids overnight last night and took them to school this morning, I really enjoyed it and when i told them they were coming to my house on thursday and Friday night they were really excited. They have also started referring to her house as 'Mummy's house' rather than home, which had been annoying me becuase it was 'daddy's house' and 'home' before.

She emailed me this morning to ask how they had been, I kept it short and said they had been great and really enjoyed it. She replied saying she was pleased and that they were handling it well but that the house always seemed quiet without them. Well she had better get used to that i suppose...!! It's a shame for her she doesn't see the effort i am making...but I am working my way to realising that it's her loss!


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Having a bad morning....How is it that yesterday I felt great and hardly thought about my wife. Then last night I hardly slept and today i feel totally empty and hate living on my own


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Having a bad morning....How is it that yesterday I felt great and hardly thought about my wife. Then last night I hardly slept and today i feel totally empty and hate living on my own


Keep you head up! The kids will be back tomorrow night and you will feel great again. I think it's just alittle separation anxiety perhaps?


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah maybe. My wife called round at the house with my youngest son and we talked properly without me getting upset about us, the past and the present.

She basically said that she had feelings for another man that she couldn't stop and she couldn't see us working again in the future. She never wanted to be divorced, that i broke her heart (with my gambling addiction) and that she never wanted to love anyone else...

She's never coming back..I have to face it


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Yeah maybe. My wife called round at the house with my youngest son and we talked properly without me getting upset about us, the past and the present.
> 
> She basically said that she had feelings for another man that she couldn't stop and she couldn't see us working again in the future. She never wanted to be divorced, that i broke her heart (with my gambling addiction) and that she never wanted to love anyone else...
> 
> She's never coming back..I have to face it


In a similar boat here too. W told me that something inside her broke at the peak of my drinking addiction right before the OM made contact. She's told me she was so happy and in love with me before I lost my way for those few years. She hasn't told me directly that she's in love with the OM. But her emails to him and actions show that she is. I know rationally she's not coming back. But I'm having a really, really hard time accepting that fact and my role in all of this mess. I'm living in the past way too much lately, rethinking all the bad choices and wrong decisions we both made. I'm hoping that by getting my new place this weekend and starting to furnish it, that I will feel better in the weeks to come. Hang in there Cheesy. WE WILL MAKE IT! (somehow)


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah thanks mate, we will make it...eventually somehow 

I had a good weekend, practically ignored the wife when i picked and dropped off the kids but it was a lovely late summers weekend here in the UK and she looked gorgeous so that was particularly difficult to take. Went for a drink with a friend last night and had a great time until our wedding song came on at the end of the night and i got a bit upset which put me in a bad mood today. Typically I got an email off her about money this morning and it turned into a bit of a debate with her saying i was doing this and that and not giving her enough (she had miscaluclated it) She said I was always nasty to her after i'd been out the night before...I made the mistake of admitting i was upset becuase of how good she looked and our wedding song being in the pub. She just said she was sorry and she knew it was hard

It's three steps forward one step back for me at the moment...although better than one step forward and three back which it was a few weeks ago...onwards and upwards I guess!


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Oh...it's also my 10 year wedding anniversary on Thursday, which isn't particularly helping!


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Oh...it's also my 10 year wedding anniversary on Thursday, which isn't particularly helping!


Oh man, I hear you on this one. My 12th was Sept 4th. It was hell leading up to the day but then it passed without much fanfare. Luckily the W took our girls to her moms overnight (probably to get away from me and the thought of our anniversary) and I had the house to myself. Did a bunch of chores and yardwork to keep myself busy. At the end of the day I was sad about it but somehow made it into the next day intact. Hang in there!


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

yeah maxter, weird how i truly believe she won't care less about it but then I think how can she not so soon after breaking up...best not to think about it I suppose. I've got the kids that night which will be a welcome distraction although it does of course mean that i will have to see her and do my sons arthritis injection with her.

I've got the kids tonight too...she forgot to give me some school trousers for one of my sons so she said she would call later with them. She did call...she got out of the OM mans car and calmly walked to the my door to give me them and walked off got back in his car and they drove off...its nuts


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Wow cheesy sorry to hear that. Man some of these women are heartless I dont see how they jump from one thing to the next but oh well they get to answer that one day.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah, I can't work out of she feels sorry for me or what but she seems to think i'll just take it all in my stride. it's been 3 months but for her it seems like a lifetime and she is just living her life normally with someone else. It's almost like it's a relief for her when i look after the kids 3 nights a week so she can see him. I've heard she also stays at his house when he has his daughter.

I'm getting closer and closer to filing for divorce. I've always said to myself that i wouldn't do it unless I could wake up the next day and be happy that i've done it. So far i've not felt that way but something has to give soon. 

She says she hasn't thought about divorce but it might be good closure for me...how kind of her  It just seems wrong to me in such a short space of time to end something thats been 10 years in the making....looks like i'll have to though, scary as that is


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

You definately need to file the papers. I could only imagine how hard it is to go through it after 10 yrs but you cant keep going through what your going through just let it go and start taking steps forward. You will feel better about it after you do it although it will take some time but it gets you out of limbo land and you have a clear path forward and that is important.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah although maybe it's just me but I don't really see it making much difference if i file for divorce, it doesn't really change anything about my situation


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well cheesy it will give you a clear direction to go in and let her know you are not willing to live in this situation as it is. It will give you a bit of closure as time ticks.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, feeling a little confused today...had to go to the wife's house last night to drop off some soccer kit for my son. During the day yesterday I had spoken to my gambling councellor who helped me stop 4 years ago (almost to the day). I explained to him that the biggest regret that I had was that i didn't admit to my problem to everyone afterwards and put too much pressure on my wife to keep it under wraps, it made me not be true to myself and I admitted it caused a strain on our relationship.

For some reason when I called in to see her I explained to her what i had explained to him, it all came out. It's the first time since D-Day (3 months ago) that i got any sort of reaction from her, it was almost like it was the answer she had been searching for ever since my problems ended. She was very emotional and as I was leaving she hugged me and then kissed me very passionately for a few minutes. When she pulled away she looked visibly upset, she said i'm sorry thats not fair...and that she felt her head was going to explode. All I could say was that it was OK...and she said 'but it's not OK'. 

I don't really know what to make of it all really. Since Dday i have told anyone and everyone about my problems and it's made me feel free at last, the only good thing about whats happened. She said she wished I'd done it and told her everything i told her a year ago. 

I don't know...just seems like a mess


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Tough stuff. Always remember that you may have contributed to the problems in the M, she is soley responisble for this crazyness.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yep i fully understand that...I understand my contribution and as I said to her I would never have done that to her...but I do understand why she became unhappy.

I don't know whether to mention something to her about it today...or say nothing. I doubt the OM would be very impressed if he knew


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

It's my wedding anniversary today...10 years...not spoken to her since the other night apart from her telling me she didn't sleep at all afterwards.

Got to see her later to inject my son and have the kids overnight...kind of dreading it


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Hang in there Cheesy, I just had our 9 year anniversary on Tuesday. I used the day to reminisce about the good aspects of our marriage and then remembered why we are in this position now. Things were better the next day


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Thansk Sod...it just seems like a very long day over here. I have lots of good memories...it just makes me wonder what the hell is going through her head


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

So that was an interesting week...passionate kiss with the stbxw on Tuesday after an emotional evening chatting about stuff...wedding anniversary Thursday...finally spoke to her about what happened on Saturday and she said it should never have happened, was a mistake and not to tell anyone...there's a surprise!

I said to her yesterday that I was going to get the house valued so i didn't have to pay the mortgage and she said 'fine'...


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Sorry to hear that Cheesy. The constant flip flopping by stbx will drive you mad. Getting the house on the market does create that finality that will blow up any pretended. Hang in there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah i suppose I have it all to look forward to! 

I don't think I'll sell the house if she can buy me out of it, I just can't afford to keep paying for her place and mine when i have the kids 3 nights a week. 

She sent me a nice text message yesterday saying that she was getting her self a new bed, did I want our old one...how nice for her...she is so insensetive! I didn't bother replying


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> I don't think I'll sell the house if she can buy me out of it, I just can't afford to keep paying for her place and mine when i have the kids 3 nights a week.


Why are you paying for her place? (I must have missed that somewhere)


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

We had a joint mortgage on our house...I pay half the mortgage becuase it's seen as an investment of mine rather than maintenance for the kids. I'm not paying all of it, just my half

I agreed to start with that i would pay half to keep it in my name but i'm starting to realise that i can't afford to do it and get on with my own life at the same time


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> We had a joint mortgage on our house...I pay half the mortgage becuase it's seen as an investment of mine rather than maintenance for the kids. I'm not paying all of it, just my half
> 
> I agreed to start with that i would pay half to keep it in my name but i'm starting to realise that i can't afford to do it and get on with my own life at the same time


Thanks. That makes sense.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

If ever there were a line of posts with more people left twisting in the emotional wind...thanks to a cheating partner...I'd be surprised. 

There ain't no way back from cheating. It's nice to have a counsellor say "honour your vows" and (ha!) "pray". 

Sure, that'll help!!!

Ha!


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