# Hysterical Bonding and its significance



## Zanna

I'm wondering about the topic of hysterical bonding and what it means to reconciliation, if anything.

How long did it go on for you and your spouse? Was it a pre-cursor to a solid reconciliation? Or even with HS present, did your spouse return to the AP and/or did you divorce eventually?

And I'm not sure if we are still in HS or if we have both become HD but we make love everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day on weekends, or when the kids are at school. This has been going on since about 3 weeks after D-day so a little over 8 months now. Still hysterical bonding at this point?

Anyway, sex was a huge issue for us pre d-day. I had lost all attraction for my H and had no physical desire for him whatsoever. We have spoken about the issue of sex in great detail, read some great books on the subject and we both understand why I lost desire. My H has done his best to remedy these issues since d-day. I have, in turn, accepted that sex is one of his top emotional needs and now understand that it wasn't just about "getting off" for him but about connecting with me on an emotional level as well. 

During his A, we stopped having sex completely but it was already very infrequent - we would go months without making love. During his A, he stopped pursuing and I was relieved because I had no desire. However, towards the end of the A, he kept bringing up our sexless M and getting very angry. He would often accuse me of not liking sex. He said in later discussions, the reasons for his angry outbursts were because he found sex with the OW unsatisfying on an emotional level, he felt guilty and he still desired me more than her which left him feeling angry and frustrated. It was due in part to this revelation that he decided to end the A. (I did not know about his A until after it was over).

I probably shouldn't overanalyze a good thing now that things are back on track in this area but my concern is that sex has become a band-aid for our problems or that once, the HS bonding phase ends, I will lose my desire due to my resentment over the A . I still think of him with OW during sex which is becoming frustrating and disgusting. I'm wondering how much longer these images will be in my head because they're not letting up.


So I'm curious as to other betrayed or wayward's experience with the issue of HS. And how long did you have the images of the OP with your WS while having sex? Any tips on banishing the memory of the wh0re from our bedroom?


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## lamaga

You're questioning great sex with your spouse because it might be something that some people on the internet have called "hysterical bonding"?

Seriously?

Okay, I clearly need to log off for the night and maybe the week.


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## Zanna

lamaga said:


> You're questioning great sex with your spouse because it might be something that some people on the internet have called "hysterical bonding"?
> 
> Seriously?
> 
> Okay, I clearly need to log off for the night and maybe the week.


I'm not questioning the great sex. I'm wondering if it's hysterical bonding and not that we have truly conquered this issue. Hysterical bonding is about reclaiming your spouse. It seem to be more about competition than desire. Google is your friend if you want to read more.

I'm also asking how to get the images of the OP out of my head? Or did you gloss over that part too?

I'm sorry you find my questions so offensive. If you don't understand what I'm referring to or have no advice, then move along. There's no need to be rude, condescending or dramatic.


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## canttrustu

Zanna said:


> I'm not questioning the great sex. I'm wondering if it's hysterical bonding and not that we have truly conquered this issue. Hysterical bonding is about reclaiming your spouse. It seem to be more about competition than desire. Google is your friend if you want to read more.
> 
> I'm also asking how to get the images of the OP out of my head? Or did you gloss over that part too?
> 
> I'm sorry you find my questions so offensive. If you don't understand what I'm referring to or have no advice, then move along. There's no need to be rude, condescending or dramatic.


I think hysterical bonding is about re-claiming whats yours. Its about reconnecting with your spouse during a very emotional time in your marriage. It has alot of benefits. Restoration of intimacy where it is fractured. It happens ALOT. Its not a bad thing. I dont think its a rug sweeping thing if thats your question. Its just about appreciating what you nearly lost.

About ridding your head of the mind movies.....well I dont have any advice on that one. But IF you manage please let us all know how. You'd be VERY popular on CWI.


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## Zanna

canttrustu said:


> I think hysterical bonding is about re-claiming whats yours. Its about reconnecting with your spouse during a very emotional time in your marriage. It has alot of benefits. Restoration of intimacy where it is fractured. It happens ALOT. Its not a bad thing. I dont think its a rug sweeping thing if thats your question. Its just about appreciating what you nearly lost.
> 
> About ridding your head of the mind movies.....well I dont have any advice on that one. But IF you manage please let us all know how. You'd be VERY popular on CWI.


Yes, I agree, it's not bad. I guess I worry the resentment is going to catch up with me and destroy my desire because 8 months later and I'm still thinking of the OP at some point during the act.  Crazy tramp would probably love that...

And I wish I could figure out how to stop the mind movies and I've read the articles. It's NOT working.

How long did they go on for you?


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## canttrustu

Zanna said:


> Yes, I agree, it's not bad. I guess I worry the resentment is going to catch up with me and destroy my desire because 8 months later and I'm still thinking of the OP at some point during the act.  Crazy tramp would probably love that...
> 
> And I wish I could figure out how to stop the mind movies and I've read the articles. It's NOT working.
> 
> How long did they go on for you?


Well. I certainly understand them happening DURING and it SUCKS! Happens to me still. Not as often. At first it was EVERY time now probably every 3-4 times she pops into my head. I call it progress. I can deal with it, It'll pass I hope. What I REALLY care about is her not being in HIS head during(or ever). That would suck majorly. I dont know if she is but I dont think so. Not anymore. Im sure there was a time but hopefully not now.

About the mind movies-4.5 months past dday. Still have them everyday. Nightmares too. But not as many, not as often with the mind movies, nightmares prob 2-3 week now. In the beginning it was everytime I went to sleep. Everytime. But he didnt have sex with her so its not quite so bad as for you. Im so sorry. My h's EA was almost a year long. With a coworker. NC for only a month now because he left his job to get her out of our lives. So its better since I know he's not with her all day. I guess the rest will just take time. Just like for you.

Question for you: do you tell your H about these mind movies you experience during sex or just push thru? I just push thru and never tell him b/c I dont want him thinking "OH GOD, is she thinking about her?" And then suddenly by default- HE is thinking about her. I've had enough of him thinking about her while he's with me to last a lifetime.


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## StandingInQuicksand

Thanks for asking this, I have wondered the same thing. I am one year out from DD1 when EA was found, but only 9mo from confirming the PA piece. But the sex has not stopped or slowed. I find myself having a bigger drive than my H. I'm so pissed, hurt, and lonely when I don't get any for whatever reason. I have wondered when this might slow or change. I wonder if it's just timed with my "peak" or if I'm so angry/depressed with everything else, that sex is something enjoyable to focus on?

I don't have "mind movies" that much. I do picture them in bed sometimes during sex, which is weird but doesn't play like a hurtful thing to me. It's more like remembering a bit of a porno or previous sexual encounter. But I feel disgusting later that OW was part of anything. It's weird and something I don't understand.

My big issue is not really a movie...just seeing all the places where I spent time with my "friend" makes the rage boil up all the time. Just the thought "he cheated" that pops in my head while I'm having a great day immediately brings those feelings of pain and grief. But they don't play out like a movie. Just triggers I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanna

canttrustu said:


> Well. I certainly understand them happening DURING and it SUCKS! Happens to me still. Not as often. At first it was EVERY time now probably every 3-4 times she pops into my head. I call it progress. I can deal with it, It'll pass I hope. What I REALLY care about is her not being in HIS head during(or ever). That would suck majorly. I dont know if she is but I dont think so. Not anymore. Im sure there was a time but hopefully not now.
> 
> About the mind movies-4.5 months past dday. Still have them everyday. Nightmares too. But not as many, not as often with the mind movies, nightmares prob 2-3 week now. In the beginning it was everytime I went to sleep. Everytime. But he didnt have sex with her so its not quite so bad as for you. Im so sorry. My h's EA was almost a year long. With a coworker. NC for only a month now because he left his job to get her out of our lives. So its better since I know he's not with her all day. I guess the rest will just take time. Just like for you.
> 
> Question for you: do you tell your H about these mind movies you experience during sex or just push thru? I just push thru and never tell him b/c I dont want him thinking "OH GOD, is she thinking about her?" And then suddenly by default- HE is thinking about her. I've had enough of him thinking about her while he's with me to last a lifetime.


I'm sorry for what you're going through too. I'd prefer an EA but from what I've heard they are incredibly painful as well so I don't think my pain is worse than yours when it comes the feelings of betrayal.

As for the mind movies, I've just opted to push through. I told him once months ago, when I was going through a bit of an angry phase.  But I haven't brought it up since. I'm not jealous of her in the physical sense. It helps that I've seen OW's photos and I know that I'm a lot more attractive and I have a much better body. My H said she wanted him and that was the draw. 

Anyway, I don't compare myself and I highly doubt he's thinking of what he calls his huge "affair down" when he's with me but I believe the mind movies come from our privacy being ruined. I don't feel like it's as special and that makes me sad. Worrying that he's thinking of her is not a concern though but I understand that for some people it is.


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## Zanna

StandingInQuicksand said:


> Thanks for asking this, I have wondered the same thing. I am one year out from DD1 when EA was found, but only 9mo from confirming the PA piece. But the sex has not stopped or slowed. I find myself having a bigger drive than my H. I'm so pissed, hurt, and lonely when I don't get any for whatever reason. I have wondered when this might slow or change. I wonder if it's just timed with my "peak" or if I'm so angry/depressed with everything else, that sex is something enjoyable to focus on?
> 
> I don't have "mind movies" that much. I do picture them in bed sometimes during sex, which is weird but doesn't play like a hurtful thing to me. It's more like remembering a bit of a porno or previous sexual encounter. But I feel disgusting later that OW was part of anything. It's weird and something I don't understand.
> 
> My big issue is not really a movie...just seeing all the places where I spent time with my "friend" makes the rage boil up all the time. Just the thought "he cheated" that pops in my head while I'm having a great day immediately brings those feelings of pain and grief. But they don't play out like a movie. Just triggers I guess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I too find I use sex for comfort. I think on some level, in the beginning especially, it was reassurance he was not thinking of OW. But now I definitely know he feels closer to me now and emotionally connected again, so that makes me feel safer.

I also notice that he seems very happy, very loving and that the more sex we have, the more in love with me he seems. During his A, he was angry, cold and looked at me with hate. Now, he's so loving and sweet and looks at me like I'm so amazing and I think I feel that sex brings about those feelings.

Which is why I wonder if I'm using it as a band-aid...I don't know. All these feelings you experience after betrayal are so confusing.

And I too have moments where I'm having a good conversation with a friend, or reading a book, or whatever, and the thought of "he cheated" will pop into my head, and I'll be filled with so much pain. It all comes flooding back in seconds. I hate that feeling but have not been able to find a way to stop it from happening.


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## Caribbean Man

I have never experienced this.
But I have read about it. So I have a question.
Is it comparable [ feeling etc]to lets say the sex my wife and I would have if we were separated [ on business, travel etc] for sometime?
Is it more intense emotionally?
I tend to be logical in my analysis.....
So i'm just asking.


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## Poppy

I can tell you that it is intense, frequent and possibly experimental. It is like you desire this person to desire you with a passion. However, I will also tell you that for me it became a need. I went from barely having sex with my H, due to lack of time together and his preference for porn to having sex at least once a day...mostly twice a day and BJ's and hand jobs when I was on my period. I wanted him to want me. I needed him to want me. I wanted him and the connection was amazing, but I started to be concerned about my motives. 7 or 8 months in if he didnt approach me I became unsettled and initiated it myself. I initiated alot regardless, but this was more like two horny teenagers. I dont know what I am trying to say other than it is intense and a wonderful way to connect and feel loved and reassured, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Value yourself and keep yourself safe mentally and physically.


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## Zanna

Caribbean Man said:


> I have never experienced this.
> But I have read about it. So I have a question.
> Is it comparable [ feeling etc]to lets say the sex my wife and I would have if we were separated [ on business, travel etc] for sometime?
> Is it more intense emotionally?
> I tend to be logical in my analysis.....
> So i'm just asking.


Yes, I would say it's been a lot more emotionally intense and passionate for us. It's actually been the best sex we've had in years and we can't seem to get enough of each other. We sit beside each other in restaurants now, instead of across from each other, and half the time we're just dying to get home so we can get naked. Our dating period and honeymoon could probably only compete with the sex we've had lately.


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## StandingInQuicksand

^^^ yes, this. I get really upset when he doesn't initiate or flirts around then falls asleep or lets me fall asleep. I always say "wake me the f up!" and same on the time of the month and the experimenting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanna

Poppy said:


> I dont know what I am trying to say other than it is intense and a wonderful way to connect and feel loved and reassured, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Value yourself and keep yourself safe mentally and physically.


Thank-you Poppy for understanding what I was asking as well.

Yes, I am questioning my reasons for HS but not his per say. I know he desires me intensely. He always did, aside from during the beginning of the A. And he used the A to get sex and to try to stop desiring me, according to him.

BUT what are my motivations? That's what I'm exploring right now. Am I doing this for the right reasons? I hope so because it's been wonderful.

And I do feel safe physically and mentally because he has been transparent and has shown true remorse.

Of course there is a part of me that still has doubts. I guess that comes with the territory though.


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## Zanna

StandingInQuicksand said:


> ^^^ yes, this. I get really upset when he doesn't initiate or flirts around then falls asleep or lets me fall asleep. I always say "wake me the f up!" and same on the time of the month and the experimenting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, we've done the experimenting... and the sex toys, etc.

Also, just came across this thread on the subject (if anyone is interested) so it looks like I'm not the only one who has questioned the HS phase, and wondered about its significance.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...king-pain-sex-false-r-hysterical-bonding.html


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## Caribbean Man

OK...
Thanks for the response.
pretty much what I thought,[ a female perspective,would be more emotionally intense ]
I would like to hear from the males though, I suspect it might just be different.


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## Almostrecovered

I had a rather extended hysterical bonding period, for about 18 months post dday we had sex 8-10 times a week and did all sorts of new and fun things, we even considered swinging but realized in time what a horrible mistake that would have been (phew!!)

we eased off to about 4-5 times a week and it is still very satisfying and intense sex. Maybe had a few slower weeks (2-3 times a week) recently due to health issues but overall still going strong in the bedroom and it's gotten back to the 4-5 times a week pace again.

personally I think it helps R- frequent sex during R helps you reclaim, rebond, and relax


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Zanna said:


> Hysterical bonding is about reclaiming your spouse.


lol. more accurately, I think it's about reclaiming your chemical balances. must....have....oxytocin....

I have to laugh everytime I read this notion that you are somehow reclaiming your spouse. Sort of has some mystical 'caveman' romance aura to it.


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## Zanna

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol. more accurately, I think it's about reclaiming your chemical balances. must....have....oxytocin....
> 
> I have to laugh everytime I read this notion that you are somehow reclaiming your spouse. Sort of has some mystical 'caveman' romance aura to it.


Yes, true. I guess those darn brain chemicals made me do it.


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## lordmayhem

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol. more accurately, I think it's about reclaiming your chemical balances. must....have....oxytocin....
> 
> I have to laugh everytime I read this notion that you are somehow reclaiming your spouse. Sort of has some mystical 'caveman' romance aura to it.


Well, how about it's a combination of both?


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## Almostrecovered

I guess the reasons people question why they do this is twofold (I mean an outsider would even wonder why someone would even question this as they would love to have such great sex)-

1) They don't want to "reward" the WS for their cheating
2) They question whether the frequent sex will cloud their judgement on what is really happening or needs to be done


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## Zanna

Almostrecovered said:


> I guess the reasons people question why they do this is twofold (I mean an outsider would even wonder why someone would even question this as they would love to have such great sex)-
> 
> 1) They don't want to "reward" the WS for their cheating
> 2) They question whether the frequent sex will cloud their judgement on what is really happening or needs to be done


Yes, exactly. You have to go through it to get that it's not the great sex you're questioning, but your sanity.

Sometimes, I feel like my self-respect has taken a hit because why should my H be rewarded with so much sex after what he did to me? He wasn't meeting my emotional needs pre-A and I didn't cheat. Even he admitted I had way more opportunity as I get hit on and propositioned in person AND via FB and my personal website. Sure, it's flattering but I know how to say NO.

BUT my H cheated with the first woman that made herself available and he said if he was single, he would have shopped around as she was average and her personality was annoying. Ugh. 

Now he gets the great sex. You'd have to be slightly off not to question HS bonding after an A and given the circumstances above...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Zanna said:


> Yes, true. I guess those darn brain chemicals made me do it.


Just my thoughts....

hys·ter·i·cal _adjective _

_Medical definition:_ of, relating to, or marked by hysteria or unmanageable emotional excesses <during hysterical conditions various functions of the human body are disordered.>

bond·ing - _noun_ 

a close personal relationship that forms between people (as between husband and wife or parent and child). This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. 

_How do we bond ?_ what facilites bonding: It happens largely due to a release of the neurochemical _Oxytocin_ in the brain.

Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, and also wound healing. These days it goes by nicknames such as "the bonding hormone," "the cuddle hormone," and even "the love hormone".

_What is the best source of Oxytocin?_: Levels of oxytocin (at least in the bloodstream) rise sharply in most of us at the moment of orgasm. 

Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with _human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.*** _

Again, these are my thoughts based on my own research and need to understand things... There are a host of things going on during all stages of the process... But I feel this is the most logical physiological explanation for the phenomenon "hysterical bonding", Not this symbolic "reclaiming", like your pissing on your tree, or clubbing your women and dragging her back into your cave.

*** During the initial stages of reconciliation, when trying to heal the extreme emotional damage of infidelity someone could be emotionally compelled or 'hysterical driven' to seek these things.

JMO, FWIW.

~Pit~


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## Zanna

Yes, that makes sense. I've also read that during a trauma, such as the discovery of infidelity, your brain chemistry changes so it makes sense that we seek out something so counterintuitive such a sex with a cheating spouse. But clearly it aids in healing our emotional wounds by increasing oxytocin.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Zanna said:


> Yes, that makes sense. I've also read that during a trauma, such as the discovery of infidelity, your brain chemistry changes so it makes sense that we seek out something so counterintuitive such a sex with a cheating spouse. But clearly it aids in healing our emotional wounds by increasing oxytocin.


Yes indeed, sexytime is goot. :smthumbup:


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## Zanna

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Yes indeed, sexytime is goot. :smthumbup:


Yes, it is...

But we could have had sexytime if we had gone to MC and read books and actually communicated before the A.

Instead, I get sexytime with a nice dose of humiliation, embarrassment and emotional pain.

But I digress...


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## messeduplady

This thread is reassuring Zanna - I agree totally with why you question this. We had some amazing sex straight after DD, and it has continued to be great, almost like we have just started out and it makes me doubt occasionally how real it can be, almost as if it is too good to be true. Oh, and was it actually soooo rubbish before?!!


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## lordmayhem

Zanna said:


> Yes, it is...
> 
> But we could have had sexytime if we had gone to MC and read books and actually communicated before the A.
> 
> Instead, I get sexytime with a nice dose of humiliation, embarrassment and emotional pain.
> 
> But I digress...


Just to put things into perspective. We've read enough stories here where in the aftermath of the affair, the couple gets no sexytime. None whatsoever. Not every couple experiences sexytime, and I feel bad for them.


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## lordmayhem

messeduplady said:


> This thread is reassuring Zanna - I agree totally with why you question this. We had some amazing sex straight after DD, and it has continued to be great, almost like we have just started out and it makes me doubt occasionally how real it can be, almost as if it is too good to be true. Oh, and was it actually soooo rubbish before?!!


:iagree:

Yes, HB sex is intense, that's for sure. :smthumbup:


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## Almostrecovered

I do wonder if R has a higher success rate if there is HB?


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## Zanna

lordmayhem said:


> Just to put things into perspective. We've read enough stories here where in the aftermath of the affair, the couple gets no sexytime. None whatsoever. Not every couple experiences sexytime, and I feel bad for them.


Even during R? Or is this when the A goes underground?

Yes, I feel sorry for those spouses whose WS are not remorseful or who continue the A after D-day.


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## Zanna

Almostrecovered said:


> I do wonder if R has a higher success rate if there is HB?


I've wondered this too...


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## Almostrecovered

Zanna said:


> I've wondered this too...


well the day we get accurate statistics on infidelity is the day we all have computer chips installed in our brains


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## tacoma

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Just my thoughts....
> 
> hys·ter·i·cal _adjective _
> 
> _Medical definition:_ of, relating to, or marked by hysteria or unmanageable emotional excesses <during hysterical conditions various functions of the human body are disordered.>
> 
> bond·ing - _noun_
> 
> a close personal relationship that forms between people (as between husband and wife or parent and child). This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust.
> 
> _How do we bond ?_ what facilites bonding: It happens largely due to a release of the neurochemical _Oxytocin_ in the brain.
> 
> Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, and also wound healing. These days it goes by nicknames such as "the bonding hormone," "the cuddle hormone," and even "the love hormone".
> 
> _What is the best source of Oxytocin?_: Levels of oxytocin (at least in the bloodstream) rise sharply in most of us at the moment of orgasm.
> 
> Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with _human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.*** _
> 
> Again, these are my thoughts based on my own research and need to understand things... There are a host of things going on during all stages of the process... But I feel this is the most logical physiological explanation for the phenomenon "hysterical bonding", Not this symbolic "reclaiming", like your pissing on your tree, or clubbing your women and dragging her back into your cave.
> 
> *** During the initial stages of reconciliation, when trying to heal the extreme emotional damage of infidelity someone could be emotionally compelled or 'hysterical driven' to seek these things.
> 
> JMO, FWIW.
> 
> ~Pit~


But you haven`t answered the main question about hysterical bonding.

Why now?

Why does your body now all of a sudden crave this chemical output in massive quantities "right now"?

It does so because it makes us feel more secure in a time when all of a sudden nothing is secure.

Thus "reclaiming what we had"...the security of the object of affection.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

tacoma said:


> But you haven`t answered the main question about hysterical bonding.
> 
> Why now?
> 
> Why does your body now all of a sudden crave this chemical output in massive quantities "right now"?
> 
> It does so because it makes us feel more secure in a time when all of a sudden nothing is secure.
> 
> Thus "reclaiming what we had"...the security of the object of affection.


Or one could argue "reclaiming what we had"...the known source of our fix. eg; Dopamine, Oxytocin, PEA, and Vasopressin.

I don't think there is a "why now" answer, there are just too many individual factors to give any accurate answer. 

I've personally experinced 'hysterical bonding' a number of times and when it happened, it signaled the beginning of the end of a realtionship. It had nothing to do with marking my territory of saving a relationship. 

This phenomenon is not exclusive to reconcilation. 

On multiple occasions, I cared deeply (loved) a girlfriend but things had not been going well... then suddenly, I was unexplainably DRIVEN to have sex with her, ALOT of it and it was always the best sex I had ever had with these girls. To this day, I remember this 'hunger' to have sex and how incredible the sex was... but, I can also mark clearly that it was not a coincedence that everytime this happened, the relationship ended shortly thereafter. 

It was not reclaiming her when it happened as I really didnt have a strong interest in that, I had NO IDEA that the relationship was about to end prior to it happening... just that things werent going great and BOOOOOM..... incredible desire, wicked sex, relationship over. 

Matter of fact, I can remember one girl i lived with we had been dating for about 6-8 months and had fallen into pattern where the sex had gradually declined to once a week or so... then suddenly almost litterally out of no where, I could not keep my hands off of her... sex 2-3x per day, and we are talking ground shaking, hour++ long sessions each time... she actually remarked "what has gotten into you? we havnt been having sex now for the last 3-4 days your an animal" My answer was honest... "I have no idea, I _need_ you". The realtionship ended a few weeks later.. Funny enough, I found out (much later) that she has started cheating on me with an ex around that exact same time.

You asked "why now?".... I hope my example illustrates, it didnt have anything to do with reclaiming or reconciling, as I didnt contiously know I had lost or was about to lose something... and this never happened again after the breakups, I will say it did make the breakups more difficult (emotionally) though. So "why then?" why was I experiencing this before we broke up? and after we broke up (and even had sex after) I didnt (with near the same intensity) ?

Everyone is different obviously, and the chemical reactions in each person's brains are obviously different. There are just too many individual factors to give definitive answers to many of the "why's" but FWIW, this is some of what Ive learned and my experience with hysterical bonding.


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## daisygirl 41

tacoma said:


> But you haven`t answered the main question about hysterical bonding.
> 
> Why now?
> 
> Why does your body now all of a sudden crave this chemical output in massive quantities "right now"?
> 
> It does so because it makes us feel more secure in a time when all of a sudden nothing is secure.
> 
> Thus "reclaiming what we had"...the security of the object of affection.


My Hs A was a bit of a wake up call for me. We have been together 19 years and we had both got a bit complacent and I know that I had started taking him for granted. I was also questioning whether or not I still loved him and if there wasn't more to life! His A woke me up. Woke both of us up. Made me realise what I had to lose and how much I desperately loved him and didn't want to be without him.

We are also like a newly married couple. Holding hands, smooching in the kitchen, lots of physical contact, lots of really intense sex. It's like we are reclaiming each other and kind of making up for the past 2 or 3 years that weren't so great. We are Definately going through an HB stage but I think it's a healthy way of us reconecting and regrouping. I'm sure it'll settle down at some point but it's one of the better parts of the A aftermath!

I have mind movies occasionally when we are intimate, I keep it to myself also. Sometimes I cry after sex. No words needed. H holds me and kisses me and I know by his actions how much he loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan

I think the mindmovies will be there forever. But the intensisty and significance will lessen.

I am 14 months out, they still occur, they hurt a bit, but I don't crack, cry or get angry anymore - not as result of the movies, anyway...


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

A good friend of mine unfortunately went through discovering her husband's PA. This is after her watching me go through discovering my husband's EA in August of last year. She came to me when she made her DD. 

We have talked quite a lot, and I have cited many things from TAM. One of the things that I had explained to her was that feeling you have once you discover your spouse is no longer the person you though they were. The spouse left behind in their place is someone new, someone you feel you don't completely know. They effectively killed the old them through what they did.

This made sense to her, and helped her to cope with the initial feelings. She came back to me a few days ago, discussing the Hysterical Bonding they were experiencing. I was glad for her that it was happening and that it wasn't instead a vast wasteland of anger right now.

She said something the seemed to sum up her feelings pretty well about it.... She said that she had to now fall in love with the new spouse left behind. I think that's a pretty fair way to sum it up. It's a new relationship with a new person.

As far as the movies...they will always be there...they will get less often as you resolve things, as your spouse begins to give you glimmers of trustworthiness, and as your spouse exhibits genuine remorse for what has happened. 

Me, I just try to replace a positive moment for a bad moment as quickly as possible. My positive moment was him breathing into my ear 'How much he had missed me' when we finally got to see each other after DD. (He was out of the country).

I wish you the best...it's such a hard road.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

My WW and I are currently going through this phase as well.
I have to say, it's like living in the twilight zone.

Last night, before we were about to have sex, she whispered to me how she
can't get pregnant due to where her pms cycle currently was.

(Inviting me to finish inside of her)

In my head, I called bullish!t. Not falling into that trap...

It immediately made me think of her having sex with the OM,
and how he told her he was fixed… how he "finished" inside of my wife.

It instantly killed any passion I had left in my body for the night.
As she lay there stroking and caressing me, I felt nothing
but total limpness and thus, a waste of a good night.

It seems she's able to forget about the OM, or at least not bring him
up… yet I can't shake it. Too much trauma still. Too many visuals.
Too many unknowns still.

She wants to move on, I want to know more.


----------



## Sara8

Zanna said:


> Yes, it is...
> 
> But we could have had sexytime if we had gone to MC and read books and actually communicated before the A.
> 
> Instead, I get sexytime with a nice dose of humiliation, embarrassment and emotional pain.
> 
> But I digress...


This is how I felt exactly.

All our problems mostly minor could have been fixed easily with a little counseling. 

But STBEH chose an affair instead. 

Yes. The sex afterward was good but very tainted by the humiliation, the doubts, the mind movies, the fear that I was rewarding him for cheating. Sigh!


----------



## Barnowl

Sara8 said:


> This is how I felt exactly.
> 
> All our problems mostly minor could have been fixed easily with a little counseling.
> 
> But STBEH chose an affair instead.
> 
> Yes. The sex afterward was good but very tainted by the humiliation, the doubts, the mind movies, the fear that I was rewarding him for cheating. Sigh!


I am afraid this is how my wife will continue to feel after my infidelity. We had HB about a week after D-Day, and it was great. It was actually an eye opener to the sex life we could share...now that is all ruined by my cheating of course, but at least I have seen that she can be a passionate sexual woman. Before D-Day, I would never have believed it. Is it strange for me to hope that our situation has charged her libido up in some way, even if we end up separating for good, I still want her to have a healthy physical bond with someone...


----------



## lordmayhem

cantthinkstraight said:


> My WW and I are currently going through this phase as well.
> I have to say, it's like living in the twilight zone.
> 
> Last night, before we were about to have sex, she whispered to me how she
> can't get pregnant due to where her pms cycle currently was.
> 
> (Inviting me to finish inside of her)
> 
> In my head, I called bullish!t. Not falling into that trap...
> 
> It immediately made me think of her having sex with the OM,
> and how he told her he was fixed… how he "finished" inside of my wife.
> 
> It instantly killed any passion I had left in my body for the night.
> As she lay there stroking and caressing me, I felt nothing
> but total limpness and thus, a waste of a good night.
> 
> It seems she's able to forget about the OM, or at least not bring him
> up… yet I can't shake it. Too much trauma still. Too many visuals.
> Too many unknowns still.
> 
> She wants to move on, I want to know more.


Sorry that she triggered you and you experienced the mind movie. That's why a PA would be my deal breaker. Believe it or not, I mind runs wild too even though they never made it to a PA, even though they were planning to. My own fWW is fixed, so I would imagine OM riding her bareback and giving her creampies left and right since she never has to worry about getting prego.


----------



## Sara8

Barnowl said:


> I am afraid this is how my wife will continue to feel after my infidelity. We had HB about a week after D-Day, and it was great. It was actually an eye opener to the sex life we could share...now that is all ruined by my cheating of course, but at least I have seen that she can be a passionate sexual woman. Before D-Day, I would never have believed it. Is it strange for me to hope that our situation has charged her libido up in some way, even if we end up separating for good, I still want her to have a healthy physical bond with someone...


Well, my STBEH is STBEX because he would not give me time to heal. 

He wanted to continue men's trips, boy's night out etc. 

He kept telling me I should be over it after six months. 

Your wife's libido was always the same. Perhaps she lost interest because she sensed your attachments. Or, perhaps you were not interested. Not sure. 

If you are thinking this way already, I think you may need to let her go. It sounds as if you have already given up and do not want to put any work into her healing.

Don't forget if she stays, she is taking a huge leap of faith that you will not cheat. 

You need to be willing to take a huge leap of faith that you WILL recover. 

If you don't, your negative thinking will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I read in one book that some WS do the "detain and torture" approach as a way to force the faithful spouse to divorce them. 

The detain and torture is a spouse who does not show true understanding of the pain they have caused and will not give the faithful spouse time to heal without putting time limits on it.


----------



## Zanna

lamaga said:


> You're questioning great sex with your spouse because it might be something that some people on the internet have called "hysterical bonding"?
> 
> Seriously?
> 
> Okay, I clearly need to log off for the night and maybe the week.



Well, now that this thread has grown, it looks like I'm not the ONLY one who has experienced similar feelings so hopefully now you realize that you really have no clue. 

I'm assuming based on your posts concerning infidelity, which are often sanctimonious, that you are not COPING WITH INFIDELITY yourself?


----------



## Sara8

Zanna said:


> Well, now that this thread has grown, it looks like I'm not the ONLY one who has experienced similar feelings so hopefully now you realize that you really have no clue.
> 
> I'm assuming based on your posts concerning infidelity, which are often sanctimonious, that you are not COPING WITH INFIDELITY yourself?


Zanna 

I so understand about the sex issue. Yes my STBEH and I did the hysterical bonding thing, and yes it was great, but there was always an underlying sadness.

I kept thinking is he fantasizing about her? Is he thinking of her? Was she a better sexual partner. 

I think unless someone has been cheated on, they will never understand why the after cheating sex may be good but is still bitter sweet. 

The pain is unbearable some days.


----------



## Sara8

Barnowl said:


> I am afraid this is how my wife will continue to feel after my infidelity. We had HB about a week after D-Day, and it was great. It was actually an eye opener to the sex life we could share...now that is all ruined by my cheating of course, but at least I have seen that she can be a passionate sexual woman. Before D-Day, I would never have believed it. Is it strange for me to hope that our situation has charged her libido up in some way, even if we end up separating for good, I still want her to have a healthy physical bond with someone...


Of course she will find someone to have a healthy physical bond with. 

I read a stat somewhere that most people who divorce a cheating spouse are far far happier with their new spouse. 

Likely because they finally learned to pick up the cues of a deceptive person. 

I have learned them: They include my husband's cutely boyish smile when lying or getting caught in a lie but trying to finesse his way out of it. 

His immediate desire for affection when caught but trying to finesse his way out of a lie. 

The need for freedom like men's trips and boy's nights out. Never being at work when he was supposed to be or when he outright said he was, but later saying he forgot to mention yadda yadda yadda. 

Also, He always made an excuse for going on a business trip without me saying I would be bored. 

I know plenty of men who simply go out only with their wives or other couples. Once married they never need to meet for just boys stuff. 

In fact, other male friends for years had been warning me that I was giving my husband too much freedom. Perhaps they knew or suspected he was cheating. I think it was only suspected.

I though however that giving him his freedom would prevent cheating. 

Now I know how skewed that silly thinking was.

He not only dated the OW during work hours, but also during boy's night's out. 

His men's trips were supposed men's only camping trips but I later learned were trips to expensive hotels and locations with the OW


----------



## cantthinkstraight

I MUST be *hysterical* for allowing myself to attempt "bonding" so soon after getting f*cked over.

"Sorry" doesn't do a damn thing.


----------



## Paladin

Zanna said:


> Well, now that this thread has grown, it looks like I'm not the ONLY one who has experienced similar feelings so hopefully now you realize that you really have no clue.
> 
> I'm assuming based on your posts concerning infidelity, which are often sanctimonious, that you are not COPING WITH INFIDELITY yourself?


Why take another stab at that post? Did it make you feel better? Maybe the reason you felt the need to quote that reply again in such an "I told you so" sanctimonious manner, is the same reason you cant let go and move past the "mind movies" you describe. How long do you think you can keep that kind of stuff to yourself before you begin to resent your H for not helping you with an issue you dont ever bring up? How do you think he will feel when he finds out that every time you had sex a portion of it was spent thinking about his A and not about him, you, and the sex you two were sharing at the time? You mention that you are concerned that sex is becoming a cure-all bandaid for you, have you brought that issue up in MC, or your IC? Do you still attend IC and MC? Yes, HB seems to be a phase that people go through at times, both during R, and during D, and I'm sure there is no set time frame for how long the HB is supposed to last, or if it is even necessary for R. What should be a concern to you is exactly what you mentioned earlier, the motivation for having so much sex. If you are using it to mask emotional issues and difficult topics/discussions, at some point in time your relationship will implode. 

Just an FYI before you start taking swipes at me about being "clueless" about infidelity. I married my best friend, we've know each other since high school, in fact recently we hit a point where we known each other longer (16+ years) than we've not known each other (15 years, I'm 31 she is 30). She had an EA/PA with a co-worker. We decided to R, she is transparent and maintains NC. We went through HB, and we still have more sex now than we had before her A, but we also take time to openly communicate about EVERYTHING, including the uncomfortable stuff. Our relationship is growing stronger by the day, and is on track to exceed the level of intimacy, friendship, and love that we had in the old relationship that died. 

While I occasionally have creeping thoughts about the OM during sex, I always tell her about them, we take time to pause, hug, talk about it in detail, and use it to bond on an emotional/spiritual level. The conversations about the intrusive thoughts range anywhere from 5-30 minutes, and help me immensely. A few people on this forum mention the "double duty" a BS must do in order to have a successful R. While its easy to say R and healing should be all about the BS, the very real fact is that the former DS is a human being, and dealing with some seriously hard stuff too. Like living with themselves after the fact, looking at themselves in the mirror and trying to be ok with being a fallible person.

I highly recommend you start talking to your H about the thoughts you are having during sex. Openly communicating about those issues will help you achieve your goals. You are on a dangerous slippery slope with keeping things from your H. Think about exactly what you found to be the most difficult issue about his A. I doubt it was the act, I would be willing to wager top dollar that it was the deceit, or the omission of truth, or simply keeping secrets from you that hurt you the most. You are in danger of doing exactly that to him by not talking about your thoughts/feelings. Best of luck to you.


----------



## Zanna

Paladin said:


> Why take another stab at that post? Did it make you feel better? Maybe the reason you felt the need to quote that reply again in such an "I told you so" sanctimonious manner, is the same reason you cant let go and move past the "mind movies" you describe.


 I brought it up because a lot of people here are hurting and looking for commiseration while dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions brought on by infidelity. And they don't need to be told their feelings are foolish OR so annoying that someone needs to log off for a week. Bringing that fact up is hardly related to my feelings or concerns about HS bonding OR of not being able to move past the mind movies. But if you choose to see some far-fetched correlation between those two completed unrelated issues, what can I say?

Oh, and since it seems to take over a year for the mind movies to go away for a lot of people, my experience is not so off base.



Paladin said:


> How long do you think you can keep that kind of stuff to yourself before you begin to resent your H for not helping you with an issue you dont ever bring up? How do you think he will feel when he finds out that every time you had sex a portion of it was spent thinking about his A and not about him, you, and the sex you two were sharing at the time? .


I've already brought the issue up with him as mentioned in an earlier post in this thread. He knows. Would you suggest I tell him every single time it happens? During the act or after? :scratchhead:



Paladin said:


> You mention that you are concerned that sex is becoming a cure-all bandaid for you, have you brought that issue up in MC, or your IC? Do you still attend IC and MC? .


Yes, I have brought it up with him and he disagrees. He feels it is healthy bonding and that we are communicating well and therefore, not rug sweeping. However, he says he understands my concerns and hopes these feelings will dissipate over time.

As for IC, I am looking for one for myself that specializes in infidelity. My H claims that he no longer needs IC. (He went prior to D-day because he wanted advice on whether to tell me about the A or not). He says now he will never go back to being the kind of person he was during the A and he doesn't need a counsellor to tell him how to be a better person. Obviously, I think he should seek IC but for now have dropped the issue until I find my own IC. 

As for our MC, she left her counselling practice to write a book so we are without one at the moment. Again, my H thinks we are fine on our own and again, I don't agree but have not found a suitable replacement. Although, I do have one that I plan to interview when time permits.



Paladin said:


> Yes, HB seems to be a phase that people go through at times, both during R, and during D, and I'm sure there is no set time frame for how long the HB is supposed to last, or if it is even necessary for R. What should be a concern to you is exactly what you mentioned earlier, the motivation for having so much sex. If you are using it to mask emotional issues and difficult topics/discussions, at some point in time your relationship will implode. .


Exactly why I asked the question and was interested in other's experiences.


Paladin said:


> Just an FYI before you start taking swipes at me about being "clueless" about infidelity. I married my best friend, we've know each other since high school, in fact recently we hit a point where we known each other longer (16+ years) than we've not known each other (15 years, I'm 31 she is 30). She had an EA/PA with a co-worker. We decided to R, she is transparent and maintains NC. We went through HB, and we still have more sex now than we had before her A, but we also take time to openly communicate about EVERYTHING, including the uncomfortable stuff. Our relationship is growing stronger by the day, and is on track to exceed the level of intimacy, friendship, and love that we had in the old relationship that died. .


I would not make that comment unless I looked back and your posts and discovered that you had not experienced infidelity, yet instead had taken many unsympathetic swipes against betrayed spouse so there's no need to get preemptively defensive.

Anyway, yes my H and I also talk more openly now as well and in many ways our M is in better shape than it has been in years.



Paladin said:


> While I occasionally have creeping thoughts about the OM during sex, I always tell her about them, we take time to pause, hug, talk about it in detail, and use it to bond on an emotional/spiritual level. The conversations about the intrusive thoughts range anywhere from 5-30 minutes, and help me immensely. A few people on this forum mention the "double duty" a BS must do in order to have a successful R. While its easy to say R and healing should be all about the BS, the very real fact is that the former DS is a human being, and dealing with some seriously hard stuff too. Like living with themselves after the fact, looking at themselves in the mirror and trying to be ok with being a fallible person..


  I thought this would be akin to bringing OW into our bedroom. I've read advice that suggests not to speak about the A in the bedroom.



Paladin said:


> I highly recommend you start talking to your H about the thoughts you are having during sex. Openly communicating about those issues will help you achieve your goals. You are on a dangerous slippery slope with keeping things from your H. Think about exactly what you found to be the most difficult issue about his A. I doubt it was the act, I would be willing to wager top dollar that it was the deceit, or the omission of truth, or simply keeping secrets from you that hurt you the most. You are in danger of doing exactly that to him by not talking about your thoughts/feelings. Best of luck to you.


Good point.

Thanks for your post. Well, most of it.


----------



## Paladin

Zanna said:


> I brought it up because a lot of people here are hurting and looking for commiseration while dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions brought on by infidelity. And they don't need to be told their feelings are foolish OR so annoying that someone needs to log off for a week. Bringing that fact up is hardly related to my feelings or concerns about HS bonding OR of not being able to move past the mind movies. But if you choose to see some far-fetched correlation between those two completed unrelated issues, what can I say?
> 
> Oh, and since it seems to take over a year for the mind movies to go away for a lot of people, my experience is not so off base.


The net is full of fools, he obviously did not take the time to read through your post and decided to spout off some random crap about you questioning great sex with your spouse. I could spend time talking about the "the man should be the leader" and "bang her brains out and everything will be ok" attitude that some members on this forum take by default, and how misguided it can sometimes be, but that would be a waste of time.

His comments can be interpreted in many ways, BTW, a charitable interpretation could be that he felt so tired that he did not understand your concerns, and needed to take a break from being on this forum. I still think he was just being a smart arse.

Now as for far fetched correlations, is it really that far of a stretch to question whether or not you have a hard time letting go when you feel slighted? I would think the inability to let go would be a significant hurdle in moving forward after an A. I should have simply picked a more constructive way to bring up my concern. I just got the feeling you were trying to feed a troll and pick a fight, and it kind of irked me into being a tad short with you. So my apologies if I offended you. 



Zanna said:


> ..Would you suggest I tell him every single time it happens? During the act or after?


yes, I recommend bringing it up every time it occurs during your love making sessions with him. It may be uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier every time you do it. You obviously know yourself and your H way better than anyone on this forum, so if you or your H are like at a 9.5/10 and are about to finish, there would probably be no issues with waiting till after the big O to bring it up. In my case, we could be at 9.999/10 and if I have an intrusive thought, I put the brakes on, and address it. It usually foes something like this:

My body language during sex usually shifts enough for her to get an inkling that I'm having an intrusive thought. My breathing shifts, or some other tell tale sign occurs. She glances at me, waiting for a signal, and I will typically say something like 

"Hon, I'm having some intrusive thoughts, can we take a break?"

She will typically ask if I'm ok, and if there is anything she can do to help me. She will ask if I need space or if its ok for her to hug me. We spend some time talking, then slowly resume the session, typically with great results free of intrusive thoughts. Sometimes we put the session on hold for a few hours, or even till the next day. It all depends on comfort. I Find that giving the intrusive thoughts time and attention, keeps them from recurring, and allows me to deal with them on my own terms with the support of my partner. 




Zanna said:


> Yes, I have brought it up with him and he disagrees. He feels it is healthy bonding.. However, he says he understands my concerns and hopes these feelings will dissipate over time.
> 
> As for IC, I am looking for one for myself that specializes in infidelity. My H claims that he no longer needs IC... he doesn't need a counsellor to tell him how to be a better person. Obviously, I think he should seek IC...


I think we all can benefit from IC these days. The pressures of every day life are insane at times. Once you find a good IC and have a few sessions, I think you will have a clearer picture of whether to insist that your H sees an IC or not. 



Zanna said:


> As for our MC, she left her counselling practice to write a book so we are without one at the moment. Again, my H thinks we are fine on our own and again, I don't agree but have not found a suitable replacement. Although, I do have one that I plan to interview when time permits.


Keeping up wit the MC is vital. I feel that counselors keep the channels of communication free flowing. Since people tend to transmit and receive information in a variety of ways, its good to have a disinterested third party moderating the discussion between you and your H.



Zanna said:


> Anyway, yes my H and I also talk more openly now as well and in many ways our M is in better shape than it has been in years.


That is a very good sign, I hope that trend continues for you and your H during R.



Zanna said:


> I thought this would be akin to bringing OW into our bedroom. I've read advice that suggests not to speak about the A in the bedroom.


I went into some detail about this above, and obviously what works for me may not work for you, but there is no harm in trying.

Hope I cleared up any misunderstandings. Thanks for taking the time to chat with me.

-P


----------



## Zanna

Paladin said:


> Now as for far fetched correlations, is it really that far of a stretch to question whether or not you have a hard time letting go when you feel slighted? I would think the inability to let go would be a significant hurdle in moving forward after an A. I should have simply picked a more constructive way to bring up my concern. I just got the feeling you were trying to feed a troll and pick a fight, and it kind of irked me into being a tad short with you. So my apologies if I offended you.


I understand how you were drawing the correlation, but it was still a weak correlation in my opinion. You were basing an assessment of my personality (and my ability to let go of the "mind movies") on my response to ONE post to a so-called troll on a message board. So it's not that it really offended me per say, it was simply that the weak correlation seemed unfairly judgemental and annoying and that distracted me from the rest of your post which was informative and helpful.

Anyway, let's move on to the issue at hand...




Paladin said:


> yes, I recommend bringing it up every time it occurs during your love making sessions with him. It may be uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier every time you do it. You obviously know yourself and your H way better than anyone on this forum, so if you or your H are like at a 9.5/10 and are about to finish, there would probably be no issues with waiting till after the big O to bring it up. In my case, we could be at 9.999/10 and if I have an intrusive thought, I put the brakes on, and address it. It usually foes something like this:
> 
> My body language during sex usually shifts enough for her to get an inkling that I'm having an intrusive thought. My breathing shifts, or some other tell tale sign occurs. She glances at me, waiting for a signal, and I will typically say something like
> 
> "Hon, I'm having some intrusive thoughts, can we take a break?"
> 
> She will typically ask if I'm ok, and if there is anything she can do to help me. She will ask if I need space or if its ok for her to hug me. We spend some time talking, then slowly resume the session, typically with great results free of intrusive thoughts. Sometimes we put the session on hold for a few hours, or even till the next day. It all depends on comfort. I Find that giving the intrusive thoughts time and attention, keeps them from recurring, and allows me to deal with them on my own terms with the support of my partner.


Okay, this makes perfect sense and yes, I have expressed my intrusive thoughts in that manner. I'm not exactly one to cover up my feelings so during sex, my H has sensed based on my lack of eye contact when I'm having intrusive thoughts. His response is usually to say, "I'm here with you, Sweetie. Look at me. I love you" Then he will encourage me to maintain eye contact and will keep repeating that he loves me. If he senses this is not working, he will stop and ask me if I'd like him to hold me. However, I will admit we do not talk about it because it's obvious as to what has happened to me mentally in that moment.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you mean acknowledging it as it happens then on some level, yes I have done that and not tried to pretend that the thoughts are not occurring.




Paladin said:


> I think we all can benefit from IC these days. The pressures of every day life are insane at times. Once you find a good IC and have a few sessions, I think you will have a clearer picture of whether to insist that your H sees an IC or not.


I brought it up last night and he insists he does not want to see an IC but will read any of the books I suggest and will gladly attend MC. He feels we will be better served by MC than IC.



Paladin said:


> Keeping up wit the MC is vital. I feel that counselors keep the channels of communication free flowing. Since people tend to transmit and receive information in a variety of ways, its good to have a disinterested third party moderating the discussion between you and your H.


Yes, these are all good points and I agree. I will do my best to find one that we both feel comfortable with and that specializes in infidelity.



Paladin said:


> That is a very good sign, I hope that trend continues for you and your H during R.
> 
> 
> 
> I went into some detail about this above, and obviously what works for me may not work for you, but there is no harm in trying.
> 
> Hope I cleared up any misunderstandings. Thanks for taking the time to chat with me.
> 
> -P


Thanks again for your post. I do think you have some great advice/thoughts/observations and I look forward to reading more of your posts. I wish you and your W well in your R.


----------



## WorkOnIt

Will tell you about hysterical bonding and it's significance in my situation when I'm done doing it lol.

So far it's helping control the anxiety, at least during.


----------



## Zanna

WorkOnIt said:


> Will tell you about hysterical bonding and it's significance in my situation when I'm done doing it lol.
> 
> So far it's helping control the anxiety, at least during.


Yes, in the beginning it helped relieve my anxiety too.


----------



## minnesotaupsman

This phase that you are going through is a part of your grieving process, and it perfectly normal. The sad part about this is that it will end if you cannot get closure from the affair. Your husband needs to be there to talk about the affair at all time's, and never should he imply that you just let it go. Without remorse you will never forgive him and your marriage will eventually end. As for what to do about the images in your head you should let them flow, eventually they will fade especially if your husband is helping you get through your pain, and helping you rebuild trust. 
That I am afraid may take several years if it is even possible for you. But like I stated if your husband is helping you then you may try turning it into a sexual fantasy night that you and your husband have only once a week. Letting him know you have these images and asking him to help by replacing them with a sexual game where you both watch a dirty movie or search for sexy pictures (one for both of you) to play with once a week. The thought of your partner showing interest in another can be thrilling and doing this together during "play time" will help erase her image from your mind and help your husband see you as a sexual being that he needs to protect and hold on to. The playtime once a week is not intercourse but mutual masturbation (with or without toy's.) you do this in that moment till climax and never talk about it till the next play time. It may sound strange but remember it is part excitement and sharing that took your husband away in the first place. when you have reached a point where you no longer enjoy his game then you just request that it stops. Hopefully you can forgive and your marriage can survive. I feel your pain as I am going through the same situation. Take care and peace be in your heart not the empty dread that swallows it whole.


----------



## old timer

Hysterical Bonding sounds pretty good about now.

Here's a "Q" for the betrayed ladies:

How is your WH supposed to know that you are interested in being sexually intimate?

I sometimes see what I think are hints, but considering my narcissistic and alpha tendencies, I could just be imagining something that isn't really there.

While not wanting to miss an opportunity to show I'm definitely interested, I surely don't want to jump the gun.

Thoughts?


----------



## Disenchanted

HB sucks in false R. I'm ashamed I went along with it.


----------



## badmemory

For me, hysterical bonding occurred more on an emotional level, The reclaiming of what the POSOM took away from me. The sex simply validated my reclamation. It lasted for about 3 months after Dday and I it clouded my thinking.10 months later I can look back and realize that it contributed to me rug sweeping and initially accepting her attempt to blame shift.

In its wake, particularly after educating myself, I regret that it happened. It was a coping mechanism, that when exhausted, left me wondering what the hell I was thinking.


----------



## old timer

Thanks for your input guys.

I was hoping to get some responses from some BWives.


----------



## MrMathias

Disenchanted said:


> HB sucks in false R. I'm ashamed I went along with it.


Agreed. I knew something was off just couldn't put my finger on it. I certainly wasn't the 'primary person' my WW shared her feelings with, even though I practically begged her to. Little did I know...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer

DrMathias said:


> Agreed. I knew something was off just couldn't put my finger on it. I certainly wasn't the 'primary person' my WW shared her feelings with, even though I practically begged her to. Little did I know...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Still wondering if any BW's will offer their thoughts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12

Maybe try imagining that on days like Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year's he was with you and she was thinking of the great sex you were both having, even if it didn't happen. She would be an idiot to think your sex with your H was never as or more fantastic as their fantasy crap...She had to think about that during many, many long lonely nights. Imagine how much she envied you, wanted your life and your husband. I asked my husband if OW was bi because it seems she really wanted my blood or my V (since she was there for 7 years during our 1st mariage, the 1 year of our divorce and came fishing after we reconciled prior to our 2nd marriage- I invited her to our wedding since they were just friends and nothing happened for the 8 year secret friendship - of course she did not come. She really seemed to need me in order to be a part of his life. Turn it around in your mind.


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