# opinion on dating during a separation



## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

ok like i mentioned before i'm the one that said i was done. it's been a month. a few days ago i did the unthinkable and checked my h's email. found out that for the past couple weeks (maybe 2 weeks into our sep) he started chatting with someone with hopes of dating/relationship. i feel like it's a train wreck and i can't help but keep checking to see when they will meet in person and to gather more dirt so to speak. i know this can't be healthy but at first i thought it was good for me to see so i could know that i was doing the right thing when i decided to leave and to stop from feeling bad about my decisions. part of me is hurt because all these things he says are lies and it makes me wonder who this person really is that i married. makes me second guess my interpretations of people. i feel stupid. i know it's wrong to do what i'm doing but it's like it's eating me inside. he does not know i know. he goes through the motions of asking me if we still have a chance and verbally saying how upset he is and misses us. i can't believe any of these things now. i guess i wanted to put this out there because i know i will not be able to move on if i keep it up and i need someone out here who would understand what i'm going through and knock some sense into me. :scratchhead:


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## Worried71 (Mar 4, 2011)

I can say that I know exactly what you are going through. I am 3 months separated. 2 months ago found out that she was already seeing someone, even though I would get the texts asking me to reconsider, etc. As of this past Tuesday she told me that she is moving in with this guy who she knew 15, or so, years ago - who at the time when they were in school was married and tried to cheat on his wife with her. As soon as last week she even texted me asking whether or not I was having 2nd thoughts and as of Thursday is moving in with this guy?!?!? 

I think how you are feeling is very normal. While I do not wish to be with her at all I am still going through the WTF stage, thinking what she must have thought of our 13 year marriage if she is already doing this! But I do know this, she is quite possiby the most insecure person that I know and is doing this soley out of fear of being alone. I know this will only end badly - which is sad to say. Sorry to digress, but feel it's important, as yours, appears to be a fairly similar situation.

I don't fully know your what happened and the reasons for your divorce, but can tell you this for sure. . . The more you think about it and the more you ask why the more power you give these thoughts. And truthfully what good does it do to validate these feelings of wanting to know. You already know what is going on, what further validation are you looking for? I do know that with time it does get better. I know I don't want this person back and also know that better days lie ahead. Lately I have been able to focus more on myself, which I haven't done in a long time, and to be honest it feels great.

I wish you the best, take care of you for a change!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The partner who is left may well be the partner who feared being alone more (and thus maybe tolerated things s/he shouldn't have, but that's another story). So what your ex is doing is understandable. So do not dwell on it too much. If he was very needy or selfish--probably why you decided to leave in the first place, right?--he is simply trying to replace you with a ready--but probably not suitable--substitute. 

So yeah, quit following up on him. Does you no good, and you are NOT responsible for his behavior anymore, nor do you have to subject yourself to his lies. If you have kids, you have to stay in contact, but other than that, let him go, totally. You've decided to part ways, so do it. You could say, in passing, "Oh, yeah, I changed my password so I'll forward to you anything I might get that you should see." Maybe that will remind him to change his and protect you from yourself! 

You are free, so go find something better to do than spying on your S2BX


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