# Husband lying



## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

I am going through some emotional upheaval. I am an Asian married to a German for 18 years. My husband just took up a job as a photographer where he takes portraits, covers events etc in a company. He is actually a graphic designer. In 2019 I discovered that he took around 400 shots of a girl half his age, selected some to edit and used it as an excuse to initiate contact with her. Of course, the girl was happy to get a free portfolio done. They exchanged emails, he went especially to pick n drop her. Sent her chocolates etc. And his dream crashed when I chanced upon all of these in his emails. (Of course none of it was an official task). We had a major discussion and I forgave him after a few months n we moved on. 
Just last week I got to know about another episode which he carried on in the same manner- girl came to get an official portrait clicked, he fancied her n asked her to get a series clicked(nothing official),clicked tonnes of pics, edited them, went personally to deliver the pen drive n again for lunch to get it back. When I confronted him, as usual he lied about everything. 
Pls guide me, what to do? Am I just being envious, am I over- reacting? I am an open n friendly person who does not have secrets with him. If he ever got possessive about anyone being over- friendly with me, I distanced myself away from that person. 
We are on the brink of buying a house and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. I can’t take any more lies from him.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You are definitely not over-reacting. This appears to be a pattern. The only reason these situations haven't gone further is because you're husband doesn't know how to close the deal. These are two examples you found out about. How many more are there that you don't know about?

What about the rest of your marriage, has things like this come up before over 18 years?


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> I am going through some emotional upheaval. I am an Asian married to a German for 18 years. My husband just took up a job as a photographer where he takes portraits, covers events etc in a company. He is actually a graphic designer. In 2019 I discovered that he took around 400 shots of a girl half his age, selected some to edit and used it as a to initiate contact with her. Of course, the girl was happy to get a free portfolio done. They exchanged emails, he went especially to pick n drop her. Sent her chocolates etc. And his dream crashed when I chanced upon all of these in his emails. (Of course none of it was an official task). We had a major discussion and I forgave him after a few months n we moved on.
> Just last week I got to know about another episode which he carried on in the same manner- girl came to get an official portrait clicked, he fancied her n asked her to get a series clicked(nothing official),clicked tonnes of pics, edited them, went personally to deliver the pen drive n again for lunch to get it back. When I confronted him, as usual he lied about everything.
> Pls guide me, what to do? Am I just being envious, am I over- reacting? I am an open n friendly person who does not have secrets with him. If he ever got possessive about anyone being over- friendly with me, I distanced myself away from that person.
> We are on the brink of buying a house and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. I can’t take any more lies from him.





Al_Bundy said:


> You are definitely not over-reacting. This appears to be a pattern. The only reason these situations haven't gone further is because you're husband doesn't know how to close the deal. These are two examples you found out about. How many more are there that you don't know about?
> 
> What about the rest of your marriage, has things like this come up before over 18 years?


I find him ogling at girls but that’s normal for men, isn’t it? Two years ago when I was busy throwing him a lovely 50th birthday party, he was using the same modus-operandi with other girls too. We had a major discussion and Mother-in-law interfered saying I am over- reacting. It was not a big deal that his son was doing all this. Probably I had issues with my self- esteem( which is a joke, as I am confident gal). Now again, he said sorry and that he will never leave me. But inside me something died.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He reminds me of a dog who chases cars. If he caught one he wouldn’t be able to drive it. 
In your shoes I would ask him has he any idea how pathetic and embarrassing he looks trying to hook up with these girls. And his mother interfering in her fifty year old sons marriage is even more pathetic. 
Are you sure you want to be married to him?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> I find him ogling at girls but that’s normal for men, isn’t it? Two years ago when I was busy throwing him a lovely 50th birthday party, he was using the same modus-operandi with other girls too...


How creepy... older men ogling young girls. I bet they could be his daughters...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Not all men ogle girls especially in front of their wives. It's very disrespectful. It sounds as if he has very weak boundaries with women and with a mother encouraging him it's not hard to see why.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there are many types of photographers , 
some are like your doctor they see women nude often and it is just a job to them , and there is nothing sexual about it to them .
you would not be jealous of you husband with a girl if he was a doctor. 
these use models to improve their skills and often the model and photographer do it for free , 
if they want a better photo for a book the model often have to find a photographer that costs 150 to 350 euro , 


then there are men that use photo to seduce models and to get close to them . I have an interest in photo and my wife was a model , so I know the world 
there are some things that i find strange with your husband the chocolates etc. is not normal , even if she payed him with sex , which I think not in his case 
and now last week he had lunch with a model , often a glass of wine while they talk about what each want out of the photo shoot .

but if she is looking for free photos to use for her book the first thing she would ask for is examples of photos he did with a number of models and she would Jude him from that 

this is not the best hobby or job for marriage 
as many of the men that are in photo are single because their wife can't handle the fact that these men get to have privet time with other women dressed or undressed 
some I know offer their models money to have sex after the shoot is over , some seduce the women by telling them they are sexy and all types of things to get the type photo they want 
it is normal to take 400 photos in 2/ 3 hour shoot , time setting up and time changing outfits , 

there are many different types of photographer and there are many different types of model 
most models are not escort girls even though many people think they are , but a paid model will get about anything from 25 to 50euro a hour and nudes get 80 to 100 sometimes a little more 
but not lunch and not chocolates etc. 

and if a woman wanted to escort she would not put her photo on a model site but escorts are not as fussy about the quality of the photo if the girls were looking for photos for their internet site page 

a lot comes down to why does he not involve you if there is nothing to hide if you are the open and confident woman you say you are , 
the men that are open to their wife have no marriage problems about it and don't mind if the model brings a friend to the shoot for safety


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> I am going through some emotional upheaval. I am an Asian married to a German for 18 years. My husband just took up a job as a photographer where he takes portraits, covers events etc in a company. He is actually a graphic designer. In 2019 I discovered that he took around 400 shots of a girl half his age, selected some to edit and used it as an excuse to initiate contact with her. Of course, the girl was happy to get a free portfolio done. They exchanged emails, he went especially to pick n drop her. Sent her chocolates etc. And his dream crashed when I chanced upon all of these in his emails. (Of course none of it was an official task). We had a major discussion and I forgave him after a few months n we moved on.
> Just last week I got to know about another episode which he carried on in the same manner- girl came to get an official portrait clicked, he fancied her n asked her to get a series clicked(nothing official),clicked tonnes of pics, edited them, went personally to deliver the pen drive n again for lunch to get it back. When I confronted him, as usual he lied about everything.
> Pls guide me, what to do? Am I just being envious, am I over- reacting? I am an open n friendly person who does not have secrets with him. If he ever got possessive about anyone being over- friendly with me, I distanced myself away from that person.
> We are on the brink of buying a house and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. I can’t take any more lies from him.


Going after young girls young enough to be his daughter, he is into midlife crisis. If he was wealthier he would probably attract lot of game until the money ran out. Some men get kinda pathetic in their 50s n 60s. If he is employed to take photos at company events, he might get in trouble with the employer who isnt paying him to chase young girls. 

Until and unless he straightens up I would advise against investing in a house with him. I have known a LOT of 50 something men who left wife n family for stripper half their age and ended up trashing their lives.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Going after young girls young enough to be his daughter, he is into midlife crisis. If he was wealthier he would probably attract lot of game until the money ran out. Some men get kinda pathetic in their 50s n 60s. If he is employed to take photos at company events, he might get in trouble with the employer who isnt paying him to chase young girls.
> 
> Until and unless he straightens up I would advise against investing in a house with him. I have known a LOT of 50 something men who left wife n family for stripper half their age and ended up trashing their lives.


He better hope the young girls he is chasing dont have tough BF or brother or dad who takes offense at old man bothering the girls.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

The issue here is the lying and consequential fractured trust. You are not overreacting for being upset that he is lying to hide strange behavior.


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> The issue here is the lying and consequential fractured trust. You are not overreacting for being upset that he is lying to hide strange behavior.


Absolutely!


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> Absolutely!


I do agree he probably wouldn’t know what to do if given a real opportunity but the disrespect and lying is ridiculous.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Don't buy a house with him. He is behaving like a fool after girls half his age. Surely does sound like a midlife crisis. My marriage ended due my XH midlife crisis. He fell in love with a prostitute that was about 15 years younger than him. He was 42 at the time and she was 27. It is strange at first, but when it happened to me; it was not strange at all, but very common indeed. 

He is a freaking middle-aged man for crying out-loud! Don't listen to his mother. Trust your gut. He is up to no good with his creepy strategy to get young girls to have sex with him. He thinks youth is contagious...LOL. He can try to pick up younger, but he will definitely get older no matter what he does. Poor fool. He is just freaking out because he is getting old.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The one thing I picked from your post is this: he doesn’t like you getting close to certain people, tells you, and you stop contact. Can you tell us more about this? And are you isolated because of this?

My grandfather had a pathetic crisis like this, it was disgusting, he was also very very controlling of my grandmother, in the end she didn’t even have a purse, he did all the food shopping and simply told her what to cook.

Is this anything like your marriage? His mum is enabling the behaviour, she seems even weirder than him, is she proud her son is a bit of a stud?

Has he been married before?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> I find him ogling at girls but that’s normal for men, isn’t it? Two years ago when I was busy throwing him a lovely 50th birthday party, he was using the same modus-operandi with other girls too. We had a major discussion and Mother-in-law interfered saying I am over- reacting. It was not a big deal that his son was doing all this. Probably I had issues with my self- esteem( which is a joke, as I am confident gal). Now again, he said sorry and that he will never leave me. But inside me something died.


Because he is disrespecting you over and over.

And a conversation isn’t going to change things. You’ve got to be willing to take action so he knows he screwed up time and again.

Why haven’t you considered divorcing him?
You can’t trust him so there is no foundation for this ‘martiage’.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t buy a house with him until you’ve sorted your marriage.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> He reminds me of a dog who chases cars. If he caught one he wouldn’t be able to drive it.
> In your shoes I would ask him has he any idea how pathetic and embarrassing he looks trying to hook up with these girls. And his mother interfering in her fifty year old sons marriage is even more pathetic.
> Are you sure you want to be married to him?


I can’t understand why you want to stay with a man (chid) who acts this way.

Do you earn your own income? Can you support yourself?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

first thing I wish to say is when you post a question on this forum it is hard hard for you to put your life down on public forum for all us to pick away at it 
often from our ivory tours , 

we can be very judgmental lot we often say very fast the posters wife or husband is full on cheating when there is no proof of such .
in a way you might be better off asking your question on a photographers forum 
but there to you will find 2 or 3 different types of people judging your marriage based on a few lines 

my advice is based on my experience with my wife when she was model and having to find our way around a world we know very little about 
first you need to talk to your husband and ask him why he wants to do this type photo as a hubby 
some do this to open their love of photo up to different styles and not to just be like some actors type cast in one type ,
THIS IS VERY MUCH AN ART FORM 
often the photographer and model are and have a love of art and see what they are doing as ART and nothing sexual about it 
go into an art gallery and you will see many famous prints of nude and half models but the photo is telling a story and is about the way the dark and light are 
used to bring out different things the fact they are nude has little to do with the message , 
I don't know if you husband is into nude photo or if he is into other types of photo 

some times men want to do photo to have their own porn connection others are into it as art 
one of the best things you can do is help you husband this that way you get to take part in it and know and trust better that he is doing it for the right reasons
and not been a pervert , 

photographers like Alfred Stieglitz captured nudes, often of his lover Georgia O’Keeffe, with emphasis on artistic aesthetics such as tonality, composition and the beauty of the subject matter.
THE PHOTOS were not focused on documenting reality, as would be expected with a photographic medium. His nudes were comparable to Renaissance paintings, just utilizing a camera instead of a paintbrush.

others like to work with styles like pin up and no one would say that the Pilates that fought in the wars were a bunch of perverts when they had pinup images on their aircraft 
Adding an element of sexuality to an object is not accidental. It is a successful sales technique that causes viewers to not only pay attention to the object being sold, but to also increase a subconscious desire to purchase it.

sexuality is often used in advertising and this is by no means a new development. It can be traced from the onset of photography into contemporary culture and advertising.

I find German people are more open minded about things like been nude they tend to be more open about these things then us here on this forum where we 
have a very closed mind on things , I have no experience of people from your background and part of the world but if your are like me having moved from 
your homeland you have more that likely become more like the germans over the time you live there as other cultures do rub off , 

you love your husband so why not find out why he is wanting to do this type of photo offer to be his model and if you can some people make a room in their home for model photo so there is no 
hiding and going to hotel rooms with the model 

when my wife was doing model work I was the one that posted her photos and it was often I that did the talking to the photographer first to be happy I know why or what the guy was after 
most of the perverts can easily be identified in their messages when talking first on line ,
AND I converted a room into what she needed where she had a changing area and photo area 
it is much harder for a model than a photographer because it is the model that is putting her image out there 
and women are less likely to be predators so in most cases you have just to worried about what your husband is up to , 
and by now you know if your husband is pervert or photographer artiest 

I THINK HE IS JUST TRYING TO IMPROVE HIS SKILLS 
with out trying new things he will never get to be good 
but as OPENMINDED said don't buy a house with him just yet have a talk with him and see how you can work this out into your life ,


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I THINK HE IS JUST TRYING TO IMPROVE HIS SKILLS
> with out trying new things he will never get to be good
> but as OPENMINDED said don't buy a house with him just yet have a talk with him and see how you can work this out into your life ,


You think the OP's husband is trying to be a photographer at age 50, yet the OP wasn't concerned about him taking 400 (?!) photos, rather the subject(s) of the photos and the engagement with the photographic subject afterward. Candy, lunch, etc. He already knows his wife isn't cool with this, but continues all the while lying about what is going on. He could learn photography taking pictures of flowers, dogs, his wife, or the business that is paying him. Some of us have seen this movie before with male friends, colleagues, acquaintances arriving in late middle age and refusing to accept that they are closer to the end than the beginning of their lives. A lot of them just go completely off of the rails. As a young man, I had a boss who at 49 quit his job of 30 years, left his wife and family to go live in a hippie commune with a girl half his age. Op's hubby may be an "artiste" in progress, but I doubt it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

OP does he take pictures of you in this manner?


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> You think the OP's husband is trying to be a photographer at age 50, yet the OP wasn't concerned about him taking 400 (?!) photos, rather the subject(s) of the photos and the engagement with the photographic subject afterward. Candy, lunch, etc. He already knows his wife isn't cool with this, but continues all the while lying about what is going on. He could learn photography taking pictures of flowers, dogs, his wife, or the business that is paying him. Some of us have seen this movie before with male friends, colleagues, acquaintances arriving in late middle age and refusing to accept that they are closer to the end than the beginning of their lives. A lot of them just go completely off of the rails. As a young man, I had a boss who at 49 quit his job of 30 years, left his wife and family to go live in a hippie commune with a girl half his age. Op's hubby may be an "artiste" in progress, but I doubt it.


That is what he was justifying to me that he is an ‘Artist’. Ha ha. I know his type of girls and now I know his operating style. He is employed to cover events in the company and take portraits etc for intranet. When he sees his type, he asks them to visit him again( this time with change of clothes). Mind that he is not a fashion photographer(actually not a trained one too). He then uses this occasion to further his contacts with the girls. This time he even deleted his conversation and the email exchange from his phone.
Since I want to give him another(last one) chance, I have asked him to move to another department( it is technically possible but have to wait until a vacancy appears). I don’t want to break the family as yet. Poor children will suffer.


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> OP does he take pictures of you in this manner?


Ha ha! I wish. My selfie stick gives better results


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> I can’t understand why you want to stay with a man (chid) who acts this way.
> 
> Do you earn your own income? Can you support yourself?


After staying at home for 15 years(that’s what he n his mother wished), taking care of the kids and household, I started with my second master in 2019 ( not yet complete). ThankfullyI have a full time job since last year


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> Ha ha! I wish. My selfie stick gives better results


So are you saying he isn't a very good photographer? You have him nailed, just middle-age crazies. Sorry you are dealing with this, but unfortunately your husband is far from unique. If he looked in the mirror he would see.


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So are you saying he isn't a very good photographer? You have him nailed, just middle-age crazies. Sorry you are dealing with this, but unfortunately your husband is far from unique. If he looked in the mirror he would see.


Well, to be honest my pics come out better when I click them;-) (without filter/editing)


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> Well, to be honest my pics come out better when I click them;-) (without filter/editing)


It would really be funny if you offered the company he works for to do photos for them instead of him. Show them yours vs his and offer to do the work gratis lol.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:
> 
> 
> > _*We are on the brink of buying a house and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. I can’t take any more lies from him.*_



I wouldn't get a GOLDFISH with this slime bucket, much less invest in a house.

I honestly don't get *why* women refuse to see the writing on the wall when it's literally up there in neon. Instead, they foolishly plunge forward *anyway* and a few years later - SHOCKER!! - they're crying about "what a mistake they made."

Not only would I NOT buy a house with this smarmy lowlife, but I would have left his shady ass years ago.

*



Since I want to give him another(last one) chance, I have asked him to move to another department( it is technically possible but have to wait until a vacancy appears). I don’t want to break the family as yet. Poor children will suffer.

Click to expand...

*Reading further into the thread, I see you're one of the ladies that choose not to see the writing on the wall and instead want to give him yet ANOTHER chance.  

I'll just say good luck to you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> Well, to be honest my pics come out better when I click them;-) (without filter/editing)


 it looks like he is using the photographer as a suction tool to get laid , this is the worst type and give a bad name to the people that have a real interest


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Luckylucky said:


> His mum is enabling the behaviour, she seems even weirder than him, is she proud her son is a bit of a* lech*?


Fixed it for ya.

OP, how long have you been married and how old are your children?

I would not buy a house with this guy. He claims he would never leave you - what a guy🤮.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Fixed it for ya.
> 
> OP, how long have you been married and how old are your children?
> 
> I would not buy a house with this guy. He claims he would never leave you - what a guy🤮.


Of course he isn't going to leave OP, she has a good job and cooks for him while he plies his "hobby". He must not be much of a "graphics designer" either since at middle age he isn't working in that discipline.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@Blondilocks haha! 😂😜


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Fixed it for ya.
> 
> OP, how long have you been married and how old are your children?
> 
> I would not buy a house with this guy. He claims he would never leave you - what a guy🤮.


We have been married for 17 years n have two kids-16 & 11


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> We have been married for 17 years n have two kids-16 & 11


Not sure the size of your town, hope people don't begin talking about hubby's extracurricular activities. In this time of social media, it could become talk of FB and familiar to the kids via their friends. Like "how come your dad is taking photos of young girls?"


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Not sure the size of your town, hope people don't begin talking about hubby's extracurricular activities. In this time of social media, it could become talk of FB and familiar to the kids via their friends. Like "how come your dad is taking photos of young girls?"


You read my mind- it is a small town and this time the muse is from my community, which is quite active on social media. Last time, the girl knew one of my classmates in Masters ☹


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> You read my mind- it is a small town and this time the muse is from my community, which is quite active on social media. Last time, the girl knew one of my classmates in Masters ☹


I hate to say it… but this may be a good thing. 😖

As a poster mentioned, sometimes these things becoming public knowledge are a gift in disguise.

I really don’t see things working out too well for him when outside circumstances force a change.

You sound intelligent and light-hearted despite this all - don’t ever lose that, no matter what this must be doing to you inside. The time will come when you’ll know what to do.

It’s interesting that you’re only buying a house now that you’ve got your Masters and working full time. I’d be extremely cautious making major financial decisions alongside the amateur photographer you’re married to. Smart women in your situation need to stay smart 😉


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> After staying at home for 15 years(that’s what he n his mother wished), taking care of the kids and household, I started with my second master in 2019 ( not yet complete). ThankfullyI have a full time job since last year


How old are you and your children?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Lostandwonderingwhattodo said:


> I am going through some emotional upheaval. I am an Asian married to a German for 18 years. My husband just took up a job as a photographer where he takes portraits, covers events etc in a company. He is actually a graphic designer. In 2019 I discovered that he took around 400 shots of a girl half his age, selected some to edit and used it as an excuse to initiate contact with her. Of course, the girl was happy to get a free portfolio done. They exchanged emails, he went especially to pick n drop her. Sent her chocolates etc. And his dream crashed when I chanced upon all of these in his emails. (Of course none of it was an official task). We had a major discussion and I forgave him after a few months n we moved on.
> Just last week I got to know about another episode which he carried on in the same manner- girl came to get an official portrait clicked, he fancied her n asked her to get a series clicked(nothing official),clicked tonnes of pics, edited them, went personally to deliver the pen drive n again for lunch to get it back. When I confronted him, as usual he lied about everything.
> Pls guide me, what to do? Am I just being envious, am I over- reacting? I am an open n friendly person who does not have secrets with him. If he ever got possessive about anyone being over- friendly with me, I distanced myself away from that person.
> We are on the brink of buying a house and I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. I can’t take any more lies from him.


Ohh I've heard this story before. I knew of a man who was a photographer, and would do strictly hot women's photos. It turned out he was having multiple affairs with them, and the poor wife couldn't even leave, as she didn't have the financial means to do so. The arts are a dangerous slope. Just look at what Diego Rivera (the artist) did, and Pablo Picasso. 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but your gut is not wrong. He lied to you, don't allow him to deny your reality. This is a form of gaslighting. You stick to your guns.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The guy is exhibiting predatory behavior in young girls? He’s a liar. He’s a “photographer”...

just what are his good qualities. Yes, if I were you I’d ditch this trash and move on.

Buy a house with him? Geez


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## Lostandwonderingwhattodo (Jul 20, 2021)

aine said:


> How old are you and your children?


I am 46 n kids are 16 n 11


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## caldwell (Jul 14, 2021)

A confusing story, of course, but I don't think you can endure a lie for a long time.


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