# Anyone try the 180 to win back an ex? What was the outcome?



## jeffsmith77

My ex left me almost two months ago. She became increasingly disappointed with my lack of motivation and my reluctance towards pursing any goals I had set for myself. We were in a 7 year long relationship, and very happy until the last 6 months of it.

Early in our relationship, I had graduated with my Bachelors, and she was starting college (but with little direction). We were both heavier than we wanted to be, and tried to lose weight. We were poor, not happy with our own physical appearances, but otherwise we were very happy. Fast forward a couple of years, and my ex found her calling: nursing. She moved to eastern Washington (4 hours away from me) to live with her parents and go to nursing school. She was focused, started running and exercising, and succeeding with everything. She graduated with honors, and lost almost 50 pounds. Me, on the other hand, stayed the same weight, made no attempt to exercise, and kept pushing off my return to school to get my masters.

During the past 6 months, she became frustrated with my lack of progress, but kept her feelings to herself. Eventually she told me that she questioned her feelings for me, and wanted more out of me. She needed someone who was as driven as she was. Well, around this time my mom died and I lost my job. After trying couples counseling for a while, my ex decided to leave me. Mutual friends mentioned to me that my ex felt like she and I were on different paths and was having trouble seeing a future for us.

Losing my mom, then losing my love, was devastating. But I came to a realization: I've been holding myself back all these years, because I had no confidence in myself. I started to run and exercise 6 days a week (my mom's death gave me the push that I needed), and I've lost 15 pounds. I have a renewed sense of purpose and drive. I'm applying for grad school for this fall, and I'm starting to make plans for world travel. I've never felt more sure of myself in my whole life, and it was my body image that was holding me back.

I've made these life changes for me, not for her. But I feel like I'm becoming the man that she wants. I just don't know if it's enough for us to start off slow again. Has anyone pulled a 180 and used it to get their ex back? Has it backfired? I haven't known anyone to do this, so I'm looking to hear any stories that anyone may have. Thank you all.


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## Papa Bear

What is 180?


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## jeffsmith77

The 180 is when you turn your life around. In my case, my ex wanted someone who was more active, fit, and driven (and honestly, I wasn't for a while). When she left, it gave me a wake-up call, and started to run and lift weights, focus on getting my MBA, and have a plan for my life.

I've heard some people say they pulled a 180 and it helped to start to rekindle the old feelings. Of course, pulling a 180 isn't the only trick. I was hoping to hear if anyone managed to turn their lives around after a breakup/divorce and what affect that had on how their ex viewed a future together.


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## Freak On a Leash

Sometimes a link is worth a thousand words..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html

I'm not divorced but I've been using large portions of the 180, not only to "win back" my H but mostly to redirect myself and give myself peace of mind and build a life for myself. 

You can't proceed in your own life or in a relationship without being emotionally healthy and secure. If you are hung up on your spouse and what THEY are doing you can't focus on yourself. The 180 helps you focus on yourself and move forward and hopefully it give the other person the space they need to figure out what THEY want so you can eventually come to a logical conclusion about your relationship. 

IMO the 180 is less about "winning back" the other person and more about "becoming" yourself and being a more desirable person to be around. 

Does that make sense?


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## jeffsmith77

Thanks Freak On a Leash (and congrats on doing the 180 for yourself). One of the biggest issues, I believe, was that years ago my ex and I made the commitment to lose weight and continue our education. However, these were personal goals of mine even before I met her (and we were together for 7 years, so that shows you how long I've had these goals for). While she lost weight and switched to an active lifestyle, I sat around, making excuses. She lost 50 pounds and is running her first half marathon next month, while I was the same weight as before and never made an effort to work out. She finished her bachelors and is continuing to with her masters, while I've had my bachelors for 7 years with no concrete plans on getting my masters.

The other night, as I was sleeping alone, I woke up suddenly and realized that I've been holding myself back all these years. I've had zero confidence in myself, and my life has been the exact same for years. Well, enough was enough. I started to exercise, losing weight and getting in the best shape of my life, and I'm returning to graduate school this fall. So believe me, these changes have been for myself. I work out and run 6 days a week, and I haven't missed a day in two months. Some people may want to make changes for their significant other, but if the changes aren't for yourself, then you may not stick with the plan or even grow to resent your partner.

I'm definitely becoming the man that I wanted to be all these years. I feel better about myself than I ever have, and with the odd day here and there, the feeling has been consistent for weeks. Looking back at how I was, it was no wonder why she left me. Because I wasn't doing ANYTHING. Through counseling, I discovered that I was more depressed than I realized: I just wasn't letting myself see it. Well, no more. I'm on the fast track to living a healthy, active, productive life, and I would love to have someone along for the ride. I just wonder if I my epiphany was too late, and I lost her for good...


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## Freak On a Leash

About two years ago I was where you were..about 50lbs overweight. When I look at the pictures of myself I'm shocked. I thought at the time I was chubby but I was getting FAT. I was starting to look like one of those proverbial middle aged mamas. None of my old clothes fit. I was a size 14 approaching a size 16 and at 5'2" that's not good! I had taken to wearing Men's clothes (and people thought I was a Lesbian as a result! :rofl and my waist was 34". I gave my H my old shorts and they fit HIM and he's 200lbs and 6'5"!

Well, I went on a serious diet that I still maintain now. 1000-1200lbs a day and I work out for an hour each day Monday-Friday mornings. First half hour is exercises for my abs, back/buttocks and push ups (real push ups, not girlie ones). Last half hour is on my elliptical. 

Result is that I'm in better shape then I was in college...and I can wear clothes I had back then too. I borrow my daughter's clothes! I'm a Size 3 with a 25" waist, have a six pack and all the aches and pains in my back are gone. I feel 20 years younger. 

I got rid of all my old clothes and bought new ones. As I grew out of the clothes I had them taken in. I only keep a few "fat" clothes for hanging out in. I also started wearing make up and applying moisturizer on a regular basis. In other words, I started taking care of myself. 

The result is that my self image and sex life vastly improved (until my H started having HIS issues but that's another looonnngg story). More importantly I felt good! The exercise alone helped me get few a very difficult period last year. When things go stressful I'd work out...and still do. It's VERY therapeutic. I think the exercise and diet regimen I was on helped me avoid spiraling down into a depression when things were at their worse for me. 

Exercise has proven to be VERY helpful in reducing stress and maintaining a healthy life style. If you want to actually lose weight you HAVE to reduce caloric intake. There's NO WAY around that. When I have strayed off my "maintenance" diet (around 1200 calories a day) it shows. What exercise does is make me feel fit and toned up, helps my confidence and it's very healthy and a real stress reducer. I don't like being flabby. I love feeling my muscles working and the results of it. Plus I feel very sexy. 

An example of just not eating without working out would be my husband. He didn't eat much during his alcoholic binge and is indeed thin as a result (one the bloating went away) but he's sadly out of shape. We spent a weekend doing physical activity recently and he was sore and complaining. I didn't feel a thing. I want to do a hike up Black Rock Mountain at Lake George with him in a few weeks but I have serious doubts about his ability to do so. 

It also helps that my work keeps me active. I'm literally on my feet for 8 hours a day, 4-5 days a week. 

I think my biggest vice is coffee and I do like my wine and beer but I try and limit that to weekends. 

I think you were depressed. Exercise not only helps you deal with stress but it helps with depression too! By working out you are helping to alleviate these symptoms. I think this is a factor with my own husband. 

I think you should make a "go" of it with your wife. Maybe it's too late but as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'd use the 180 as a guideline in that you want to be pleasant and friendly to her, not pressure her in any way about the relationship and give the impression that you have a life of your own and hope she comes around. Plus, it WILL help put things in perspective. Even if you do lose her, than you'll be that much healthier for yourself and the next person who comes along.


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## jeffsmith77

Wow, you went from a size 14 to a size 3??? That is truly inspiring; congratulations! I was around 210lbs. when my ex left, and I'm currently around 197. I've had to buy new jeans, and now new t-shirts. I'm thinner than I've been in 15 years.

My ex currently lives 4 hours away, so trying to rekindle our relationship will be hard, if not impossible. But, I hear that she's looking for work in my area. If so, I'm sure I'll see her, since we share the same friends. All of her friends she has out here, with one exception, she met through me. The love we had was so strong, that no one could believe our relationship was over. We were completely inseparable, simply because we loved being around each other. In 7 years, we only had one disagreement where our voices got a little elevated. Sometimes she would hold me and start to tear-up a little, saying how happy she was. I don't believe love like that just fades away.

During our counseling, she said that she wanted me to be more assertive and more active. But with everything going on with my life at that time, it just couldn't happen. I needed time to heal from my mom's death and the shock of my love confessing she's doubting her feelings about me. Later on, a mutual friend (strangely, we share the same best friend) told me that my ex talked to her about me. My ex talked about how I wasn't driven, how I was stuck in my career, and how I didn't seem to want to improve myself. Then, she broke down in tears. These were important qualities to her that I was lacking.

After she left, she removed me from all of her social networking sites, such as Facebook, Spark People (where we enter our food intake and exercise), and Nike+ (where we track our runs). Strangely enough, shortly after we spoke on the phone for the first time since the separation, she invited me back to be a friend on Nike+. I'm not sure if she wanted to see if I would continue running without her (since I only just started before she left) or what. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but I love that I've logged 125 miles in 9.5 weeks, and I love that she can see it.

When life calms down, and when we both get back to working and have had some time to process things, I wonder how she'll feel about me. Right now she's very frustrated with life and may even feel a little depressed. It seems that she can't see the good in anything. She says that while she's at peace with her decision to end the relationship, she wishes things were different between us. If everything in her life was going well, the separation would be easier for me to accept. If she was so down, did it prevent her from realizing that I was on the same path as her, just a little behind? I don't know.


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