# Getting it from all sides - angry



## lascarx

I just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair for more than a year. We've been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, and I thought we had a great marriage. We were good friends, had a lot of shared experiences and I thought we were really close.

She tells me that she still loves me and wants to go to counseling, but I feel conned and BSed and want out, no deposit, no return. I'm moving out after Christmas and plan to file for divorce after New Years. If she doesn't want the kids, they can live full-time with me, I can figure out how to make it work.

She has now put on this I'm-so-sorry-and-depressed act and both her family and my family are starting to hi-pressure me to try for reconciliation. I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again, let alone sleep with her. I think if the other guy floats her boat she should go take up with him and be happy, and if she was willing to do it with him for this long, why isn't she doing what comes natural? (Must be the money, I guess.)

I don't know much about him, but I know he's not with anyone else, so it shouldn't be a problem from that end. I have no problem if love blooms eternal for them, it's time for me to start over and find something real of my own, I'm only going to live once.

I mean, let's face it, she's been screwing this other guy and hiding it from me for over a year. That's one month of lying for every year we've been married. Is there anything I'm missing here? I used to think that I was close to my family but with this latest, I'm also thinking of telling them to kiss my behind and adopt her if they think she's so great.


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## Halien

lascarx said:


> Is there anything I'm missing here?


Nope. That about sums it up. Still, after you file, don't automatically discount any doubts you may have about leaving her for good. You are still raw with hurting. The process can be stopped, but maybe she needs to see that you are serious with filing.

I'm sorry that this has happened. Really bad timing, too. So sorry.


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## warlock07

Go ahead and file for the divorce. If you decide for R , you can always change it later.

How bad was the deception?


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## tacoma

lascarx said:


> Is there anything I'm missing here?



Nope, I think you have it covered.

Just don`t hate yourself if you find your mind changing during the process.

We`re only human.


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## aug

Go take a look below the signature here. 

Read up on the "The 180 degree rule". This is for your benefit only -- to strengthen you emotionally so you can survival this with some dignity.

Also read "Just let them go".

Start to secure yourself financially and legally. For eg, no joint bank accounts, credit cards, debts, etc. Protect your assets.

Change your will.

Get yourself tested for a full panel of STDs, Hepatitis, etc.

Secure/hide your evidence. 

Consult a lawyer?


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## lascarx

Thanks for the support everyone. It's amazing how often you find that strangers are willing to stick up for you even when your own family starts stabbing you in the back.

My dad was just here and I finally had to kick him out of the house because his weak sermonizing was making me nauseous. I'll send him a link to this forum and he can read what people with guts have to say.

I have a good attorney and he says I can get out of this cheap as long as I have proof. Which I do.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas to everyone.


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## EleGirl

Lascarx,

Do you have children with our wife?

One thing you will find if you stick around here is that the posters are a mixed bag... some here have been cheated on and divorced their spouses because of it. Some have been cheated on and recovered their marriages. And some are the ones who cheated. So folks are coming from all different angles.

One thing I think all of us probably agree upon is that it's your choice what you want to do.

If you give your wife a chance and rebuild your marriage... it can happen and your marriage can be good even after an affair. Recovery is a long, painful process but can be rewarding.

If you want to just end it and move on, that's a valid response as well.


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## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> Thanks for the support everyone. It's amazing how often you find that strangers are willing to stick up for you even when your own family starts stabbing you in the back.
> 
> My dad was just here and I finally had to kick him out of the house because his weak sermonizing was making me nauseous. I'll send him a link to this forum and he can read what people with guts have to say.
> 
> I have a good attorney and he says I can get out of this cheap as long as I have proof. Which I do.
> 
> Thanks again and Merry Christmas to everyone.


Most states are no fault for divorce now. I doubt the evidence will do you any good.


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## Chaparral

This is truly bad. How did you find out? Its odd that she is already saying she wants to work it out.

Take a little time before you make any life changing decisions. Seperate accts etc and protect yourself. Good luck, next Christmas will be better than this on for sure.


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## joe kidd

How did you find out? Is she sorry she made such a horrible mistake, or just sorry she got caught? Take your time and make your own decision.... you are the one that has to live your life.


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## ing

Start the 180. NOW. It is about protecting you and your own. 

Sorry your here. Read , read 
It all looks counter intuitive. Do It.

Oh.. and merry bloody Christmas.


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## kenmoore14217

Man, you have a great healthy attitude. Good luck on "all" fronts.


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## TDSC60

lascarx said:


> I just found out my wife has been having a sexual affair for more than a year. We've been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, and I thought we had a great marriage. We were good friends, had a lot of shared experiences and I thought we were really close.
> 
> She tells me that she still loves me and wants to go to counseling, but I feel conned and BSed and want out, no deposit, no return. I'm moving out after Christmas and plan to file for divorce after New Years. If she doesn't want the kids, they can live full-time with me, I can figure out how to make it work.
> 
> She has now put on this I'm-so-sorry-and-depressed act and both her family and my family are starting to hi-pressure me to try for reconciliation. I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again, let alone sleep with her. I think if the other guy floats her boat she should go take up with him and be happy, and if she was willing to do it with him for this long, why isn't she doing what comes natural? (Must be the money, I guess.)
> 
> I don't know much about him, but I know he's not with anyone else, so it shouldn't be a problem from that end. I have no problem if love blooms eternal for them, it's time for me to start over and find something real of my own, I'm only going to live once.
> 
> I mean, let's face it, she's been screwing this other guy and hiding it from me for over a year. That's one month of lying for every year we've been married. Is there anything I'm missing here? I used to think that I was close to my family but with this latest, I'm also thinking of telling them to kiss my behind and adopt her if they think she's so great.


Money is probably the answer. For the last year she had her fun at your expense. Now she is scared that the OM can't support her like you can.

BTW, how did you find out about it? What did she have to say when you confronted? Just curious.

If this is the deal breaker for you, then tell your family that you cannot live with a lying, cheating, low life person that does not respect you and your children. The option you mentioned above works too.

Why are you moving out? Shouldn't she pack her bags and go to the OM? After all that's what she has done for the past year behind your back. He's been getting all the benefits, is it not about time for him to take on the expense as well?


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## Chaparral

:iagree:


TDSC60 said:


> Money is probably the answer. For the last year she had her fun at your expense. Now she is scared that the OM can't support her like you can.
> 
> BTW, how did you find out about it? What did she have to say when you confronted? Just curious.
> 
> If this is the deal breaker for you, then tell your family that you cannot live with a lying, cheating, low life person that does not respect you and your children. The option you mentioned above works too.
> 
> Why are you moving out? Shouldn't she pack her bags and go to the OM? After all that's what she has done for the past year behind your back. He's been getting all the benefits, is it not about time for him to take on the expense as well?


:iagree::iagree::iagree: She's the one that should be getting out of Dodge, not you.


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## Shaggy

lascarx said:


> Is there anything I'm missing here? I used to think that I was close to my family but with this latest, I'm also thinking of telling them to kiss my behind and adopt her if they think she's so great.


Yes, the one thing you are missing is that she should leave and move out - not you.

you didn't cheat - she did - so she looses her safe nice home.


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## Shaggy

Don't let anyone tell you that you have to stay with her because of the kids. If you divorce her you'll still be their dad, and they'll still be your kids - you just won't be her husband (victim) any longer.


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## lordmayhem

lascarx said:


> Thanks for the support everyone. It's amazing how often you find that strangers are willing to stick up for you even when your own family starts stabbing you in the back.


That's because most people here have been in your shoes or going through the something similar. People just don't know how it feels until it happens to them.


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## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> Lascarx,
> 
> If you give your wife a chance and rebuild your marriage... it can happen and your marriage can be good even after an affair. Recovery is a long, painful process but can be rewarding.


I'm not going to risk the time. Already got 8 years shot. Depending on how long I live, that could be 1 day out of every week down the tubes. Why throw good after bad?



EleGirl said:


> Most states are no fault for divorce now. I doubt the evidence will do you any good.


My attorney says that you can put on a lot of pressure with good evidence, because cheaters don't like to have everything revealed to the entire world. He's done it before. And you know something? Even if she manages to extort some money out of me, we're pretty sure that I can get the kids.



TDSC60 said:


> Money is probably the answer. For the last year she had her fun at your expense. Now she is scared that the OM can't support her like you can.
> 
> BTW, how did you find out about it? What did she have to say when you confronted? Just curious.
> 
> If this is the deal breaker for you, then tell your family that you cannot live with a lying, cheating, low life person that does not respect you and your children. The option you mentioned above works too.
> 
> Why are you moving out? Shouldn't she pack her bags and go to the OM? After all that's what she has done for the past year behind your back. He's been getting all the benefits, is it not about time for him to take on the expense as well?


I found out about it because my computer broke down, I needed to send some stuff and I saw that hers was running. She'd been in a big hurry when leaving the house (probably to meet him) and forgotten to turn it off. I switched on the screen and it was basically all there.

When she got home, I got in her face, and she broke down and gave me a bunch of BS about how she had wanted to end it, had only started it because she felt lonely, etc. Lonely my rosy butt. I guess if there's a planet somewhere with more than 7 days in a week on it, then she should move there, because that's what she got from me. She said he doesn't compare to me and I said I didn't marry you because I wanted to be a regular on the Dating Game, even you say that the fix is in and I'll always end up winning after the final round of sampling.

I'm moving out because I know they were doing it here and living in a hot-sheet motel isn't my particular cup of Earl Grey. She says they never did it in our bed and I know she's full of BS, so I don't want to be constantly reminded and be wondering what was all over those sheets I slept in. Kids are coming with me, I've told the older one already that it's splitsville. There are plenty of kids in her school with divorced parents, so she knows what it means.

Man, am I glad that these kids look a LOT like me. There aren't many people who do, so at least I'm sure there.

My mom called me up today and tried to give me a lecture about forgiveness. I told her that if she didn't want some of what her beloved floozy daughter-in-law was getting, she should clam up quick. I can't believe you can be a good son and pride of the family for all of your life, and suddenly they take the tramp's side over yours. My sister (who I have bailed out of jail more than once) is even trying to give me the high-hat.

Thanks again people.


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## morituri

Your situation is reminiscent of oldmittens but a little less worse than his. His family practically attacked him for choosing to divorce his wife, who had been having a sexual affair for 2 years with his best firend, but unbeknownst to them she gave birth to the OM's child after their first sexual encounter. He ended all contact with his betraying family. It's bad enough to have an unfaithful spouse, but quite enough to have a betraying family.

You are neither week nor strong for choosing to divorce your wife after she proved to be a cheating wife. Your well being and that of your children is the most important thing for you to consider.


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## Bugz Bunny

I found someone like me on this forum...

What I mean is that I like you just divorced her - no second chance...

She disrespected you,humiliated you,made a fool of you and had sex with another man for a year and now you should accept her back and spend money on MC,IC and try to heal something that you will never forget if you stay with her...Its better to spend the money on your kids then on the MC...

Sorry but I will tell you that apparently everyone in your family is crazy,because noone normal will suport a cheater...

Life is to short to suffer and live miserable and I wish you and your children a lot of luck and happiness in future and I wish you to find a decent girl that will respect you and love you like you deserve...


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## lascarx

morituri said:


> Your situation is reminiscent of oldmittens but a little less worse than his. His family practically attacked him for choosing to divorce his wife, who had been having a sexual affair for 2 years with his best firend, but unbeknownst to them she gave birth to the OM's child after their first sexual encounter. He ended all contact with his betraying family. It's bad enough to have an unfaithful spouse, but quite enough to have a betraying family.
> 
> You are neither week nor strong for choosing to divorce your wife after she proved to be a cheating wife. Your well being and that of your children is the most important thing for you to consider.


The way they're talking now, I'm almost expecting my mom to bust out with some revelation that I'm actually the product of her getting wet for the termite inspector. I used to look up to my dad but he's suddenly become so morally flabby that I can really imagine him putting up with it if it were true. Probably would offer them the bed so that they wouldn't have to use his bug-spray wheelie-cart. Lord God, what a collection of belly-crawlers. Maybe the stork really did bring me because being the same blood as these people does not compute.

I'm thinking of calling my ex-brother-in-law up and asking him what really went on between him and my sister, and if his family tried to stick a knife in him too. I know that they broke up because her skirt was somehow wired to fly up every time some guy looked at her cross-eyed. But you know, I had respect for family so I stayed out of it as much as I wanted to take his side and tell her off. She even gave him the clap but I can't recall her getting as much grief as I'm getting now. Maybe we guys are just expected to suck it up.


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## lascarx

Bugz Bunny said:


> I found someone like me on this forum...
> 
> What I mean is that I like you just divorced her - no second chance...
> 
> She disrespected you,humiliated you,made a fool of you and had sex with another man for a year and now you should accept her back and spend money on MC,IC and try to heal something that you will never forget if you stay with her...Its better to spend the money on your kids then on the MC...
> 
> Sorry but I will tell you that apparently everyone in your family is crazy,because noone normal will suport a cheater...
> 
> Life is to short to suffer and live miserable and I wish you and your children a lot of luck and happiness in future and I wish you to find a decent girl that will respect you and love you like you deserve...


Friend, that's the truth if I've ever heard it. And I don't get this "second chance" manure. If I decided that I wanted to dip it elsewhere, I'd own that and get divorced first. Nothing wrong with finding out you made a mistake by getting married, people get life experience as they go on living. But duplicity is what makes the human lower than the animal.


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## 20matc11

This boat is more crowded than you think...though they don't know all the details my family (at least parents) know that my STBXW did cheat and two years later are still on this "forgiveness, things can and will get better" thing. Mom thinks she can talk us through to getting back together. Dads approaching it from the religious side...and though the screamed at me for months that I am an unforgiving a$$hole, STBXW made it clear that because I was trying to get passed it and work on all the things she was blaming me for that "caused her to cheat" I rolled over and was essentially to much of a p*$$Y for her. 

There isn't much of an option but to do what is best for your piece of mind and well being.


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## lascarx

20matc11 said:


> This boat is more crowded than you think...though they don't know all the details my family (at least parents) know that my STBXW did cheat and two years later are still on this "forgiveness, things can and will get better" thing. Mom thinks she can talk us through to getting back together. Dads approaching it from the religious side...and though the screamed at me for months that I am an unforgiving a$$hole, STBXW made it clear that because I was trying to get passed it and work on all the things she was blaming me for that "caused her to cheat" I rolled over and was essentially to much of a p*$$Y for her.
> 
> There isn't much of an option but to do what is best for your piece of mind and well being.


I've heard of that. Do like the stereotypical manly-man and it means you're insensitive, but if you don't, you're a wuss. Either way, whoever's doing what you're not, gets the goodies. Didn't think wifey was like that, but I guess they all show their stripes in the end. Out on the end of my boot, I say.


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## ing

This appears to be the Alpha male channel.!

Were the OM's fully Beta guys?


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## lascarx

In my case, I don't know and I don't care. Of course she now wants to "disclose absolutely everything" but she doesn't get it - I DON'T CARE.

Just offered to take the kids out today so that she could invite him over. I mean, she did it with him on my bd, so she should also be able to do it with him on big JC's, don't you think? Festive occasions deserve celebration. I never saw myself as "alpha" but sure, I'm magnanimous.


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## warlock07

You are "the" man. 

Do you feel sad though?


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## kenmoore14217

Please don't stop posting !! My gonads are growing by centimeters each time I read this thread. So be it vicariously, I don't care. Reading this thread makes me master of the world. Merry Christmas


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## Initfortheduration

I commend you on your confidence and decision making. We need guys that haven't given their testicles to their wives along with their wedding rings here. A lot of the posters need your example. Maintaining alpha male status is manifestly important. Whether you choose to divorce or not, you have to be alpha to enforce boundaries on the WW. Or to stay strong when family and friends try to convince you to suck it up and put a smile on your face, and play the good little cuckold. The beta's on here follow their cheating skanks around like puppies begging and pleading for them to give them one more chance. Disgusting. Being beta removes all choice, self determination and self respect. They might as well have a pair of Nueticals instead of testicles. So stick around and put to good use the experiences you have gone through. Your example is sorely needed.


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## lascarx

warlock07 said:


> You are "the" man.
> 
> Do you feel sad though?


Only about the wasted time. I think I know now how a long-time doper feels after finally getting clean - "did I really blow all that time? you mean I don't get a second chance at that decade?" It doesn't make my skin crawl when I think about all the years of faked closeness, but it's a sad state for everyone when bags of lies walk the earth and can't be told from human beings. Hope my kids got my chromosomes.

Whatever. Outside of my marriage, there were real, tangible advances in my life over the past years, can't dispute that. Concentrate on the good and kick the garbage into the gutter. Excelsior, excelsior.


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## lascarx

Initfortheduration said:


> I commend you on your confidence and decision making. We need guys that haven't given their testicles to their wives along with their wedding rings here. A lot of the posters need your example. Maintaining alpha male status is manifestly important. Whether you choose to divorce or not, you have to be alpha to enforce boundaries on the WW. Or to stay strong when family and friends try to convince you to suck it up and put a smile on your face, and play the good little cuckold. The beta's on here follow their cheating skanks around like puppies begging and pleading for them to give them one more chance. Disgusting. Being beta removes all choice, self determination and self respect. They might as well have a pair of Nueticals instead of testicles. So stick around and put to good use the experiences you have gone through. Your example is sorely needed.


Now she's talking about wanting to croak herself. I told her that if she decides to do the deed today, to go to my parents' place or her boyfriend's place to do it, I don't want my Christmas messed up with the cops. I don't understand why she doesn't get it - I can't believe a word she says, so she should stick a cork in it and stop bothering me. It's starting to boggle my mind that I married such a stupid person and never recognized it.

I don't know if I'm being "alpha", but why would anyone in their right mind put up with these kinds of BS histrionics? Then again, I look at my dad now with his "forgiveness" crapola and wonder if his brain got poisoned from his career as a chemist. Maybe we're all "alphas" but pollution and bad food has sent the species into decline.

Taking the kids out for pancakes. I really like being with my kids, that hopefully won't change even if I think that their mother is a parasitic twit.


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## aeg512

I am going to be the exception. You need to go back and read your own post. I feel you need to get into IC to take care of your own issues. You really come across as one that only thinks of his own needs and I could understand why your WW would feel disconnected. That does not excuse the A in any way shape or form. I come up with this due to the comments you have made about your own parents. A lot of marriages can recover but it takes two strong people to do so and you are not one of them so your WW would be better off with a D.


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## Whip Morgan

Lascar,

You stated previously you didn't care who the OM was. Since you're moving on, I get it. However, lots of stories here involve the OM/OW being someone the BS knows. Wouldn't you want to know if that possibility exists in your situation? Or did she explain that you dont know the OM?


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## Sindo

lascarx said:


> Now she's talking about wanting to croak herself. I told her that if she decides to do the deed today, to go to my parents' place or her boyfriend's place to do it, I don't want my Christmas messed up with the cops. I don't understand why she doesn't get it - I can't believe a word she says, so she should stick a cork in it and stop bothering me. It's starting to boggle my mind that I married such a stupid person and never recognized it.
> 
> I don't know if I'm being "alpha", but why would anyone in their right mind put up with these kinds of BS histrionics? Then again, I look at my dad now with his "forgiveness" crapola and wonder if his brain got poisoned from his career as a chemist. Maybe we're all "alphas" but pollution and bad food has sent the species into decline.
> 
> Taking the kids out for pancakes. I really like being with my kids, that hopefully won't change even if I think that their mother is a parasitic twit.


Be careful... This may or may not be an empty threat. Your story is similar enough to other cases on these boards that I think she could genuinely experience a mental break. See the below link

Mental breakdown of DW after D-day

You may be tempted to say "Not my problem", but unfortunately this is the mother of your children. No matter what has happened, you don't want to put your kids through that. Make sure she gets some professional help.


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## lascarx

aeg512 said:


> I am going to be the exception. You need to go back and read your own post. I feel you need to get into IC to take care of your own issues. You really come across as one that only thinks of his own needs and I could understand why your WW would feel disconnected. That does not excuse the A in any way shape or form. I come up with this due to the comments you have made about your own parents. A lot of marriages can recover but it takes two strong people to do so and you are not one of them so your WW would be better off with a D.


I really do not care if I am strong or weak in the eyes of God or man. Main thing is January 2012 and reaching for that big old spray can of Floozy-B-Gon.

I was always concerned with her needs until I found out about the affair. I really thought we were a healthy, communicative couple without secrets. Then - you got it right, I disconnected bigtime. Give yourself a prize.

And if my parents are hurt, they should learn to take it as well as they can dish it out. If they want to side with her and call me names, they should be able to take the consequences. There is nothing in my family's past that would warrant this kind of betrayal. My parents and I were always close until my wife's affair. My sister got into bad company and pills as a teenager and I was the one who got her out. With love, not force. She's still got problems but at least she doesn't do dope. I saved her life and this is what I get?

Sure I have issues. Who doesn't? And yes, my WW would be better off with a D, and so would I. I've told her that already. So thanks for concurring.



Whip Morgan said:


> Lascar,
> 
> You stated previously you didn't care who the OM was. Since you're moving on, I get it. However, lots of stories here involve the OM/OW being someone the BS knows. Wouldn't you want to know if that possibility exists in your situation? Or did she explain that you dont know the OM?


Only thing I'm interested in is whether or not the OM is married or in a relationship, because it would be a nice clean solution for wifey to hie her butt thence and go to him with a minimum of trouble. My wife says he's single, so the stage should be already set for angels singing and conjugal bliss, am I right? The rest doesn't concern me. If it turns out to be one of my friends, well, that's another acquaintance gone south.



Sindo said:


> Be careful... This may or may not be an empty threat. Your story is similar enough to other cases on these boards that I think she could genuinely experience a mental break. See the below link
> 
> Mental breakdown of DW after D-day
> 
> You may be tempted to say "Not my problem", but unfortunately this is the mother of your children. No matter what has happened, you don't want to put your kids through that. Make sure she gets some professional help.


Just got back and she's still breathing fine. Only suicidal thing she appears to have done is to take up smoking again, and I don't have a problem with that as long as she does it out of the house. It's cold outside right now but after New Years, I'll be out anyway and she can stink up the place to beat Jesus for all I care.


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## bryanp

You are so right on with your attitude and thinking. What I find so amazing about cheating spouses is that they apparently think if they are caught then they will simply stop the affair and everything will go back to the way it is.....NOT.

The fact that she was screwing him for a year and especially that she brought him to your home to screw is highly symbolic. It is the ultimate in degrading the spouse and the relationship. I do hope you get tested for STD's. She thought she was playing you as the fool only she was the one that ended up being the fool.

By the way since she is such a liar I would not believe that the OM was single. Your wife is in damage control but clearly it will not work on you. It is sad that you wasted 8 years (not really since you have your kids) but imagine if this happened 20 years after being married to her. Move forward and don't look back. You are on the right path. Good luck.


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## morituri

Was yesterday your D-day (the day you discovered her affair)?


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## Humble Married Man

Threatening suicide is the height of manipulative behaviour. In fact, let us place her infidelity to the side here: Beyond that, she is a toxic, deceptive and manipulative individual. 

I must say that you made an intelligent decision when you decided to...forgive me for sounding crass here...ditch the b#tch.



> It is sad that you wasted 8 years


An interesting viewpoint.

I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?


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## lascarx

morituri said:


> Was yesterday your D-day (the day you discovered her affair)?


No, it was a week ago. God only knows if it was the first time, but that's none of my beeswax any more.



Humble Married Man said:


> I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?


I guess if you're the appropriate sort, you can surely enjoy some pleasant times with an "escort." It's however sad if you thought you had a relationship and she was just maintaining her meal-ticket. But like I said, no soap opera necessary, we live and we learn.


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## morituri

You may want to consider taking your children to counseling. Divorce is hard but sometimes is harder on young children accustomed to seeing both their parents on a daily basis. They are not as emotionally strong as you are and therefore anything you can do to help mitigate the impact on their young lives is your responsibility as their loving and protective father.


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## Humble Married Man

> I guess if you're the appropriate sort, you can surely enjoy some pleasant times with an "escort."


I have no disagreements there.


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## Shaggy

aeg512 said:


> I am going to be the exception. You need to go back and read your own post. I feel you need to get into IC to take care of your own issues. You really come across as one that only thinks of his own needs and I could understand why your WW would feel disconnected. That does not excuse the A in any way shape or form. I come up with this due to the comments you have made about your own parents. A lot of marriages can recover but it takes two strong people to do so and you are not one of them so your WW would be better off with a D.


The only issues I see with him are that he has a spine and self respect.


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## morituri

lascarx said:


> * I think that forgiveness would be easy if the focus is right.*


I agree. Especially if the focus is on you letting go of any anger and bitterness that often comes from being betrayed by the one person you trusted above all others. 

It is not about condoning the betrayal in any way shape or form, but accepting that it happened and making peace with the reality that it happened and cannot be undone.

You don't wait for some mythological 'closure' in the form of a heartfelt apology from your unfaithful spouse (which may never come), because you don't really need it in order to move on with your life.

Lastly, forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciliation. It is much better to forgive and not reconciliate than to reconciliate and never forgive.


----------



## aug

lascarx said:


> Only about the wasted time. I think I know now how a long-time doper feels after finally getting clean - "did I really blow all that time? you mean I don't get a second chance at that decade?" It doesn't make my skin crawl when I think about all the years of faked closeness, but it's a sad state for everyone when bags of lies walk the earth and can't be told from human beings. *Hope my kids got my chromosomes.
> *
> Whatever. Outside of my marriage, there were real, tangible advances in my life over the past years, can't dispute that. Concentrate on the good and kick the garbage into the gutter. Excelsior, excelsior.



Both genetics and environment make the person. I would suggest you seek full custody of the kids if you can. This way they would have a better chance of turning out to be decent persons.


----------



## aug

lascarx said:


> No, it was a week ago. God only knows if it was the first time, but that's none of my beeswax any more.


It may be too soon for you to crystallize your decision to divorce. You're most likely undergoing the various stages of grief right now.

Continue the process of divorce and securing your assets anyways. In the slight chance of reconciliation you can always stop/hold the divorce process at any time.


----------



## morituri

aug said:


> It may be too soon for you to crystallize your decision to divorce. You're most likely undergoing the various stages of grief right now.
> 
> Continue the process of divorce and securing your assets anyways. In the slight chance you can always stop/hold the divorce process at any time.


:iagree:

Despite your show of emotional strength, there is probably some love left for your wife and if that is the case, you may yet to experience other emotions, like pain and grief.

Nevertheless, try as hard as you can to use your head to rule over your emotions and life altering decisions.


----------



## lascarx

morituri said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Despite your show of emotional strength, there is probably some love left for your wife and if that is the case, you may yet to experience other emotions, like pain and grief.
> 
> Nevertheless, try as hard as you can to use your head to rule over your emotions and life altering decisions.


I get what you all mean, but what I loved was what I thought my wife was, not what she really is. It's like having been in love with a character in a movie or a novel.

_That person does not exist. She never existed._

Time to get into reality, but there's no need to blow it out of proportion. I got conned. Lots of people get conned.


----------



## morituri

lascarx said:


> I get what you all mean, but *what I loved was what I thought my wife was, not what she really is.* It's like having been in love with a character in a movie or a novel.
> 
> *That person does not exist. She never existed.*
> 
> Time to get into reality, but there's no need to blow it out of proportion. I got conned. Lots of people get conned.


It's amazing to have a recently betrayed spouse who embraces this realistic mindset. Most other betrayed spouses cannot accept it because they are in a 'fog' (shock and denial) of their own.


----------



## working_together

You sound like a very "cut and dry" kind of guy, and this was probably a deal breaker for you. It sounds as if right now you will never get past what she has done to you.

But you still need some I/C to deal with the emotions you have right now, whether or not your kids know what's going on between the two of you, they will feel your anger. You want to carry on as a good dad.

All the best


----------



## tacoma

I don't think this guy needs counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

tacoma said:


> I don't think this guy needs counselling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He may not need it but his children probably could benefit from it.


----------



## jnj express

Just stick to your guns---no matter what kind of family BS pressure you get---actually down the line YOUR family will figure it out, and hopefully back your play.

You only get one trip thru life on this planet, AND YOU GOTTA DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU------you want that trip to be a good, and happy trip---if that means dumping your cheating spouse---THAN SO BE IT----Happy Holidays


----------



## Blindasabat

> I really do not care if I am strong or weak in the eyes of God or man. Main thing is January 2012 and reaching for that big old spray can of Floozy-B-Gon.


LOL thanks Lascarx thoughout my ordeal there have been few occasions to laugh but floozy b gon! love it!!!!! does it come by the case? can I spray away my troubles? I can
see the commercial:guys been cheated on by your wife? well worry no more order floozy b gon and erase all traces of the betrayal. to order call 1-800....
another was the Godzilla facepalm Thanks Lord Mayhem.
I admire your resolve its taken me a bit longer to get there but I believe I'm at acceptance. She wasn't who I thought. Another thing is you say you don't care about OM 
but do you want your kids around the a-hole ? I don't! I'm putting his name in the RO's. so if she wants to live with the upstanding p.o.s fine but can't take my daughter there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor

Humble Married Man said:


> I wonder, if one's spouse cheats on them, does that negate the entire relationship? All the pleasant times that were shared?


I think that once a spouse cheats the rest of the relationship is a sham. I will even generalize it to once an infidelity occurs, the relationship is a farce until meaningfully repaired.

A true relationship is based on trust, love, and respect. When one person is secretly violating those basic building blocks, the remainder of the relationship is no more than a false image.

This is one of the big disappointments to me. I have discovered that my wife is not who I thought she was. She was pretending the whole time. Our marriage was not based on what I thought it was. Things happened which were not as I interpreted them, whereas she knew the truth yet failed to inform me. To my detriment at the time, too.

So all those good times we had now seem like make believe. I was in some kind of altered state of awareness, not knowing what was really going on around me. And what was she thinking about me the whole time? Not what I thought, assumed, or believed she was.


----------



## Blindasabat

And I understand what your going through with the family I got that with my first divorce my parents took her side
wanted to continue having a relationship with oh so wonderfull daughter in law. there wasn't cheating in that one but she is one 
gave up on us and that ended
it and I got the blame. I was really pissed off with them at times for not being more loyal to me I dread going through it 
with them -possibly getting blamed for causing her to stray sh'yeah! Not fighting for the marraiage not forgiving blah blah
what a crapfest!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lascarx

working_together said:


> You sound like a very "cut and dry" kind of guy, and this was probably a deal breaker for you. It sounds as if right now you will never get past what she has done to you.
> 
> But you still need some I/C to deal with the emotions you have right now, whether or not your kids know what's going on between the two of you, they will feel your anger. You want to carry on as a good dad.
> 
> All the best


I have already gotten past what she's done and am ready to move on. I don't even view it as something she's done "to me." I'm also thinking she doesn't view it as something she's done to me, but I've stopped assuming that I know what goes on behind that face.

It obviously got sidetracked, but this thread was really about how my family has knifed me. They're the ones I've got a real beef with. The princess can do whatever she wants, as long as it's not within line-of-sight of anywhere I'm at.



tacoma said:


> I don't think this guy needs counselling.





morituri said:


> He may not need it but his children probably could benefit from it.


If we're to believe the head-shrinkers, we all need counseling from the time we eat our first spoonfuls of Gerber's mushymeat. The shrinks also all treat each other and still end up bonking their patients and writing their own prescriptions to pill out on. I'm sure that there are a few honest psychologists out there but I'm going to take my time about deciding this one.


----------



## lascarx

jnj express said:


> Just stick to your guns---no matter what kind of family BS pressure you get---actually down the line YOUR family will figure it out, and hopefully back your play.
> 
> You only get one trip thru life on this planet, AND YOU GOTTA DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU------you want that trip to be a good, and happy trip---if that means dumping your cheating spouse---THAN SO BE IT----Happy Holidays


From the way my family is talking now, I say they've either been smoking crack or been hit with the alien stupid ray. I don't see them coming around. Never experienced this from them before. Her family is actually being a bigger pain in the butt, but they're her blood so I don't hold it against them.

"One trip" is right, you've got the right idea.



Blindasabat said:


> LOL thanks Lascarx thoughout my ordeal there have been few occasions to laugh but floozy b gon! love it!!!!! does it come by the case? can I spray away my troubles? I can
> see the commercial:guys been cheated on by your wife? well worry no more order floozy b gon and erase all traces of the betrayal. to order call 1-800....
> another was the Godzilla facepalm Thanks Lord Mayhem.
> I admire your resolve its taken me a bit longer to get there but I believe I'm at acceptance. She wasn't who I thought. Another thing is you say you don't care about OM
> but do you want your kids around the a-hole ? I don't! I'm putting his name in the RO's. so if she wants to live with the upstanding p.o.s fine but can't take my daughter there.


You're welcome. Everything needs to have a lighter side.

Seriously, I don't know that the OM is an a-hole. I would say let the kids figure that out for themselves. My older one can definitely tell me if he's mean or a jerk. That's assuming that the wife takes up with him, however. Like I've said already, don't know why she's not jumping at it, but she's not.



Thor said:


> This is one of the big disappointments to me. I have discovered that my wife is not who I thought she was. She was pretending the whole time. Our marriage was not based on what I thought it was. Things happened which were not as I interpreted them, whereas she knew the truth yet failed to inform me. To my detriment at the time, too.
> 
> So all those good times we had now seem like make believe. I was in some kind of altered state of awareness, not knowing what was really going on around me. And what was she thinking about me the whole time? Not what I thought, assumed, or believed she was.


Friend, you've hit it right on the button. So what do you do? You get out of the tank, get away from that pod person. Spend too much time around pod people and you'll end up becoming one, that's what I think.


----------



## Bugz Bunny

tacoma said:


> I don't think this guy needs counselling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think that too...He is dealing realy great with it and I am realy amazed how he respects himself...

I never went to an IC after my divorce and I feel great and I think my son his great too and its been 5 years since I divorced her...

I came to this and another forum about infidelity because I couldn't understand all this BS who are begging,being needy,crying or other things like that...so I came on this forum to try to understand the mindset of this BS who are desperate to reconcile after all the humiliation,disrespect and then also willing to deal with the "fog" of WS...

I am also trying to understand the "hysterical bonding" because I never experienced that...I simply couldn't touch her anymore after the D-day...I never hated her but I was just feeling indifferent towards her...

This is the first poster/person with such high self esteem and I think we need some more BS like him to tell their stories and try to help the BS that are weak to see the reality...

I think I am going off topic so I will stop now...


----------



## lascarx

Bugz Bunny said:


> This is the first poster/person with such high self esteem and I think we need some more BS like him to tell their stories and try to help the BS that are weak to see the reality...
> 
> I think I am going off topic so I will stop now...


I don't know if I have high self-esteem. I was never a bigshot or a ball of fire. I'm just a regular jamoke doing what comes natural. I have to punch a clock and I take my lunch in a bag, no Wall Street 3-hour booze-brunches for me. But I've never been ashamed of what I am and I don't look back.

If the wife decided she liked some other guy better, or just decided that she was the type who needed to screw around, she should have told me first and we would have split up gently and with respect. Sometimes it doesn't work out, and people just find out that they're not the marrying type or just not with the right person. But she decided on this lying affair BS, and now it's a total mess for everyone. Stupid.


----------



## Humble Married Man

Thor said:


> I think that once a spouse cheats the rest of the relationship is a sham. I will even generalize it to once an infidelity occurs, the relationship is a farce until meaningfully repaired.
> 
> A true relationship is based on trust, love, and respect. When one person is secretly violating those basic building blocks, the remainder of the relationship is no more than a false image.
> 
> This is one of the big disappointments to me. I have discovered that my wife is not who I thought she was. She was pretending the whole time. Our marriage was not based on what I thought it was. Things happened which were not as I interpreted them, whereas she knew the truth yet failed to inform me. To my detriment at the time, too.
> 
> So all those good times we had now seem like make believe. I was in some kind of altered state of awareness, not knowing what was really going on around me. And what was she thinking about me the whole time? Not what I thought, assumed, or believed she was.


If you think about it, does that really have anything to do with infidelity? 

Or does it have to do with two-faced people in general, and the fact that you just so happened to marry a two-faced individual? 

And why does it take something like infidelity in particular for BSs to leave their two-faced spouses, or to even realise that the person they married is not who they seem? How many BSs here believe that they stuck their heads in the sand?

Let me give you a hypothetical situation here: You've had a happy marriage for 30 years. No drama and no complications. Lots of passion and lots of love. Then one of the spouses cheats. What does this say about the past 30 years?


----------



## working_together

I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.


----------



## lascarx

Humble Married Man said:


> If you think about it, does that really have anything to do with infidelity?
> 
> Or does it have to do with two-faced people in general, and the fact that you just so happened to marry a two-faced individual?
> 
> And why does it take something like infidelity in particular for BSs to leave their two-faced spouses, or to even realise that the person they married is not who they seem? How many BSs here believe that they stuck their heads in the sand?
> 
> Let me give you a hypothetical situation here: You've had a happy marriage for 30 years. No drama and no complications. Lots of passion and lots of love. Then one of the spouses cheats. What does this say about the past 30 years?


That there was a lot of self-deception, on one side or both sides. In any case, at least one person got gypped. How "happy" was that happy marriage? Part of being happy is thinking your spouse is happy, and as soon as the bomb drops, you know it was bogus. You don't know what was going on there. Pod person. 

It doesn't have to be sexual infidelity. People will tell their spouses that they only stuck with their marriages for the sake of the kids, and always thought their spouses were unattractive bores and matrimonial mistakes the entire time that "lots of passion and lots of love" were going on. People lie and put on acts for the weirdest reasons and can be very good at it. And I'm sure that being on the receiving end of such a Manifesto Of Eternal Disgust is as devastating as being cheated on.

What happens next? Each person has to decide that for him/herself. All I know is that if one of my kids grows up and has the bad luck to marry a pod person, I'm not going to pressure her to stay in the marriage for the sake of making nice. And I'll raise my kids not to be pod people.


----------



## lascarx

working_together said:


> I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.


Sorry, I don't get it. What's weird?


----------



## Sindo

For context, working_together is a repentant disloyal spouse trying to repair her marriage. Humble Married Man is an unrepentant cheater who does not intend to tell his wife.


----------



## aug

working_together said:


> I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.



I think the OP has clarity of thought not seen in many betrayed.


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## Blindasabat

> What happens next? Each person has to decide that for him/herself. All I know is that if one of my kids grows up to marry a pod person, I'm not going to pressure her to stay in the marriage for the sake of making nice. And I'll raise my kids not to be pod people.


elizabeth: "today everything looks the same but its like overnight everything has changed"
-are you fan of the classic 1978 (best) version of Invasion of the body snatchers?
"that not my wife, that not my wife"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT

Left my cheating wife years ago.Best thing for me.Her,not so much,but hey she was the one who rolled the dice on our marriage.My family and her family both supported my decision,but you know,it wouldn't have mattered anyway because it was my marriage.Sorry you don't get the support,but life moves on and you sound like you know what you can or can't live with.


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## Thor

I think it only says something from the time of the infidelity, generally. In the case of a lie from day 1, it would be the whole marriage.


----------



## Wanabeelee

20matc11 said:


> This boat is more crowded than you think...though they don't know all the details my family (at least parents) know that my STBXW did cheat and two years later are still on this "forgiveness, things can and will get better" thing. Mom thinks she can talk us through to getting back together. Dads approaching it from the religious side...and though the screamed at me for months that I am an unforgiving a$$hole, STBXW made it clear that because I was trying to get passed it and work on all the things she was blaming me for that "caused her to cheat" I rolled over and was essentially to much of a p*$$Y for her.
> 
> There isn't much of an option but to do what is best for your piece of mind and well being.


Matthew 19:9. In the bible it gives you permission to get a big D. Forgiveness can still be given even if you can't stay married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lascarx

Sindo said:


> For context, working_together is a repentant disloyal spouse trying to repair her marriage. Humble Married Man is an unrepentant cheater who does not intend to tell his wife.


Thanks for the info. Nice to meet you two, now if more of you folks would just meet up with each other from the get-go, it would save the rest of us a lot of trouble in the long run, don't you think?



Blindasabat said:


> elizabeth: "today everything looks the same but its like overnight everything has changed"
> -are you fan of the classic 1978 (best) version of Invasion of the body snatchers?
> "that not my wife, that not my wife"


Those pod people made a big impression on me when I was a kid. They look like they should but they're not what you think. Now I don't look much like Donald but wifey does look more than a bit like Brooke, so the metaphor does play at least half-well here at home.



Thor said:


> I think it only says something from the time of the infidelity, generally. In the case of a lie from day 1, it would be the whole marriage.


Friend, if you have a crystal ball, you tell me please where you got it and do they take Diners Club. The point is that you can't know when it started. You can't know how many it was. All of a sudden there's a lot you can't know, and all that horsepucky about lie detectors and truth serum won't help you one bit, those things don't really work accurately and a conscienceless liar won't register on them anyway.

It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.



Wanabeelee said:


> Matthew 19:9. In the bible it gives you permission to get a big D. Forgiveness can still be given even if you can't stay married.


I was basically ready to forgive the day after I found out. But she says that some the things I want to forgive her for, she didn't do. I mean, if you're going to get full absolution, you grab it and move on, wouldn't you think? Only banana dictators and Mafia dons usually get that, and she's turning it down. Go figure.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> Thanks for the info. Nice to meet you two, now if more of you folks would just meet up with each other from the get-go, it would save the rest of us a lot of trouble in the long run, don't you think?
> 
> 
> 
> Those pod people made a big impression on me when I was a kid. They look like they should but they're not what you think. Now I don't look much like Donald but wifey does look more than a bit like Brooke, so the metaphor does play at least half-well here at home.
> 
> 
> 
> Friend, if you have a crystal ball, you tell me please where you got it and do they take Diners Club. The point is that you can't know when it started. You can't know how many it was. All of a sudden there's a lot you can't know, and all that horsepucky about lie detectors and truth serum won't help you one bit, those things don't really work accurately and a conscienceless liar won't register on them anyway.
> 
> It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.
> 
> 
> 
> I was basically ready to forgive the day after I found out. But she says that some the things I want to forgive her for, she didn't do. I mean, if you're going to get full absolution, you grab it and move on, wouldn't you think? Only banana dictators and Mafia dons usually get that, and she's turning it down. Go figure.


What does she say that she did not do? And why do you think she did them?


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> The way they're talking now, I'm almost expecting my mom to bust out with some revelation that I'm actually the product of her getting wet for the termite inspector. I used to look up to my dad but he's suddenly become so morally flabby that I can really imagine him putting up with it if it were true. Probably would offer them the bed so that they wouldn't have to use his bug-spray wheelie-cart. Lord God, what a collection of belly-crawlers. Maybe the stork really did bring me because being the same blood as these people does not compute.
> 
> I'm thinking of calling my ex-brother-in-law up and asking him what really went on between him and my sister, and if his family tried to stick a knife in him too. I know that they broke up because her skirt was somehow wired to fly up every time some guy looked at her cross-eyed. But you know, I had respect for family so I stayed out of it as much as I wanted to take his side and tell her off. She even gave him the clap but I can't recall her getting as much grief as I'm getting now. Maybe we guys are just expected to suck it up.


Interesting that in these cases you seem to almost assume it was the woman who cheated. 

Ever think that perhaps it might be your father? Maybe your mother forgave him somthing in the past and he knows something about how his wife saved him and the marriage?

And your ex-brother-in-law... why assume it was your sister who cheated? Mybe he did. Or maybe neither did. 

I have read that in marriages where the husband cheats, some 92% stay together and the marriage is repaired. In marriages where the wife cheats, fewer than 10% of the men can get past their hurt egos and forgive their wives and work to repair the marriage.

Of course in the past, women were expected to shut up and put up with it when their husbands cheated. It was almost expected.

Today, woman cheat as often as men do. But that husbands are not as forgiving as wives in this situation.


----------



## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> What does she say that she did not do? And why do you think she did them?


She says that she was honest with me "almost" all of the time and "almost all" of what we experienced together was real. I say, I don't care, you've got 100% absolution for up to 100% phoniness, let's just please close this rodeo because it's raining.

Why did she do it? Who knows why people get into these things? But the real her is a mystery that it isn't worth years of my life to try and comprehend or get to know. We have kids and I have to make sure they're looked out for properly, so I can't cut her off sharp. But I feel no obligations here otherwise. 



EleGirl said:


> Interesting that in these cases you seem to almost assume it was the woman who cheated.
> 
> Ever think that perhaps it might be your father? Maybe your mother forgave him somthing in the past and he knows something about how his wife saved him and the marriage?
> 
> And your ex-brother-in-law... why assume it was your sister who cheated? Mybe he did. Or maybe neither did.
> 
> I have read that in marriages where the husband cheats, some 92% stay together and the marriage is repaired. In marriages where the wife cheats, fewer than 10% of the men can get past their hurt egos and forgive their wives and work to repair the marriage.
> 
> Of course in the past, women were expected to shut up and put up with it when their husbands cheated. It was almost expected.
> 
> Today, woman cheat as often as men do. But that husbands are not as forgiving as wives in this situation.


You're reading too much into it. Neither of my parents ever cheated. If one of them had, I think the other would have been horribly wounded. But they lecture me now as if they think cheating is basically ok and has always been ok. My mom tells me, "you're making an awful big fuss over this." What is that supposed to mean?

My sister admits to having cheated. She won't marry again and won't get into relationships because she likes variety. I may not identify with her lifestyle, and I sincerely hope she doesn't get any bad bugs, but as long as she doesn't do dope, I'm not going to judge. But she did hurt her ex something awful.

"Repaired" is relative. If you mean that someone puts up with the best he or she can get for whatever reasons he or she has, I'm sure plenty of marriages "get repaired." I would say that if women were on a fairer financial footing in society, you'd see a lot more of those cheating men going out on the ends of their wives' boots.


----------



## FourtyPlus

It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.

This is probably beside the point but what I find most amazing is the vast amount of cover-up words and phrases to describe things and events. I understand that some people just talk that way period, others talk that way because they're out of touch with what they feel - hurt.


----------



## lascarx

FourtyPlus said:


> It's not just about playing hide-the-sausage with other folks, it's everything about her. You give her free run to look into every corner of you with a 6-cell maglight, while on her side of the fence, she gives you the 2-dollar tour that she's carefully prepared, and says that's the whole house. Then you find out there's been a secret staircase behind the kitchen the whole time, and God only knows what's down in that root cellar or if you even want to look after what she's pulled.
> 
> This is probably beside the point but what I find most amazing is the vast amount of cover-up words and phrases to describe things and events. I understand that some people just talk that way period, others talk that way because they're out of touch with what they feel - hurt.


Don't know what you're getting at with "cover-up". What you're referring to is simply this



lascarx said:


> I get what you all mean, but what I loved was what I thought my wife was, not what she really is. It's like having been in love with a character in a movie or a novel.
> 
> _That person does not exist. She never existed._
> 
> Time to get into reality, but there's no need to blow it out of proportion. I got conned. Lots of people get conned.


said a bit differently. Some people might need it expressed in a different way before they get it. There are left-brain folks and there are right-brain ones.


----------



## Humble Married Man

working_together said:


> I guess I'm just surprised to see the extreme of what usually goes on in a BS's mind, I find it kind of weird, but everyone's different, and I gotta respect that about you.


What does that mean? 



> That there was a lot of self-deception, on one side or both sides. In any case, at least one person got gypped. How "happy" was that happy marriage? Part of being happy is thinking your spouse is happy, and as soon as the bomb drops, you know it was bogus. You don't know what was going on there. Pod person.


Yes, you have made your position quite clear. I was rather thinking of some other posters here.

Anyway, second chances are overrated, in my humble opinion. Not worth the uncertainty. 

Or, should I say that if one gives another individual a second chance, why should they be surprised if they experience some repeat behaviour? 

Certainly every poster on this board has been "naughty" in some way or form, at least once in their life. How many people _really_ learn their lesson? How many people think that they've learnt their lesson only to find out later that they haven't? How many people never learn anything at all?


----------



## FourtyPlus

I totally get what you are saying and I think there's no doubt that "hiding the sausage with other folks" means a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse.
I guess I was just wondering why you chose phrases instead of the actual words. Like I said, some people just talk like that.


----------



## Halien

lascarx said:


> She says that she was honest with me "almost" all of the time and "almost all" of what we experienced together was real. I say, I don't care, you've got 100% absolution for up to 100% phoniness, let's just please close this rodeo because it's raining.


I'm not sure that I understand the arguments that suggest that we should weigh the years together before making a decision about divorce in the face of infidelity. Point is, right now, each and every one of us is the culmination, or sum, of all of our experiences. I agree that if your wife thought that all of those years together were so beautiful, she wouldn't have cheated. Instead, she allowed herself to destroy everything that your marriage stood for. You don't undestroy things. You either choose to start over fresh, or move on. I understand why you feel that there is nothing to start over with. Somewhere deep inside, she assumed that getting caught was worth the risk within such a long term affair, or that you would forgive, or that you were too stupid to ever find out in the first place. When you really think about all of the decisions and assumptions a cheater makes in a long term affair, your decision shouldn't surprise anyone, least of all your parents. 

Keep in mind, though, that at some level, your parents might foolishly believe that staying with her will bring you eventual happiness. Its also possible that they don't want you to utter the D-bomb, thinkin that a few weeks might lead you to chance your mind about reconciliation. Its a shame that you are having to be the adult here, but recognize that at least at some level, they think that they are thinking of your happines, maybe. And if you marry again, they might again be your biggest supporters of your marriage.


----------



## Whip Morgan

Lascar,

How are you children coping?


----------



## working_together

lascarx said:


> Sorry, I don't get it. What's weird?


What I meant, and I guess I wasn't clear in my post, was that if you read a lot of the posts from BS, there is a lot of confusion about whether to work on it, wait to see if spouse actually begins to show remorse etc. It's just different that's all, most of the BS are devistated, and become depressed. You seem to have a handle on things and see things very clearly, I just don't see this in a lot of posters.


----------



## morituri

Some grandparents fear that if one of their children divorces, that it is going to spell the end of their relationship with their grandchildren. They preach forgiveness for the child's cheating spouse for their own selfish reasons.


----------



## Blindasabat

Ah yes Brooke was uh lovely in 1978... anyway how old are the kids? my daughter is five (-why do most divorce when kids are age 5??) basically I can be over my feelings for her and buy me some floozy b gon - still makes me laugh. but I am worried about my daughter and I don't know how the floozy is going to be in the future if we can get to being civil and good co-parents. For one she will be royally pissed off can't take our daughter out of country and can't bring her around OM well too f-ying bad for that this cake shop is closed.
yeah I'm into movies from family man:
Arnie: "the fidelity and trust is a tough creditor you make a deposit in another bank and they close your account forever!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lascarx

FourtyPlus said:


> I totally get what you are saying and I think there's no doubt that "hiding the sausage with other folks" means a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse.
> I guess I was just wondering why you chose phrases instead of the actual words. Like I said, some people just talk like that.


You may have a point. But I would say that the crude image of the phrase I used is actually more "fact-facing" than throwing your pile of deodorized syllables at it. So which one of us is covering up with euphemisms? You tell me.



Halien said:


> When you really think about all of the decisions and assumptions a cheater makes in a long term affair, your decision shouldn't surprise anyone, least of all your parents.


Long-term or short-term don't make the difference, as far as I'm concerned. The wife got so whiny this morning that I said, ok, 5 minutes to speak your piece and that's the last I want to hear. She tells me that the actual bed affair was only going on for a couple of weeks, it's only the emails that have been going on for longer and most of them aren't even affair material, and the reason she left the house in a hurry on what turned out to be D-day was really to tell him that it was a mistake and over. She begged me to read all the emails going back to the beginning. She truly did not understand that even if her story were true, it wouldn't make things any better.

This morning early, I went through the computer we share and deleted every picture I could find which had both of us in it. Then I packed up all our old photographs from our dating and courtship days, all the wedding things, all our love letters. I took it all up off the route and built a fire. If it wasn't something that would burn, I broke it. The plates, the lovers' cups, the teapot, the little porcelain bells, I just took my sledge short-arm and turned them into talcum powder, let the wind blow it away. I thought it was going to be painful in some way or another, but it wasn't - I actually started to feel lighter. All the memories that came up - bringing her breakfast-in-bed on those plates our first morning married, the love poem I somehow managed to scrawl when I was being jostled about in a seaplane, how she looked on our wedding day.... it was all like it happened to someone else, then it all started fading somehow. It occurred to me that maybe the reason people can't forget painful things is because they try to separate out the good from the bad, try to hold onto one and drop the other. But memories are not divisible that way. Have to take them the way they are or surrender them completely.

I got home and the kids were watching TV while the wife was sitting in the kitchen and staring out the window. I packed her grip and told her, it's enough, you're not helping things here and it's time for you to go to him. No need to sneak anymore, you can sleep in his bed, he can tune your engine day and night and you can start preparing for playing house. Time to get out and live by daylight like the rest of us. She waited a moment, took the grip and left, could barely look me in the eye. I thought, bingo. I don't know what or who you are but I know what you want. So that's resolved. I don't plan to lord it over my folks (or hers, for that matter) but can now get some peace and quiet, I think.

After all was said and done, I remembered that the English call the day after Christmas "Boxing Day." And I thought that was appropriate. I'm taking the last bits of refuse from this mistake and boxing them up neat for the trashman. Next thing to go is this house and that puts paid to her.

There's obviously still some legal stuff to resolve but I figure that if I haven't found closure yet, I think I'm very close to it.



Whip Morgan said:


> Lascar,
> 
> How are you children coping?


Just fine, I think. Thanks for asking.


----------



## lascarx

Blindasabat said:


> Ah yes Brooke was uh lovely in 1978... anyway how old are the kids? my daughter is five (-why do most divorce when kids are age 5??) basically I can be over my feelings for her and buy me some floozy b gon - still makes me laugh. but I am worried about my daughter and I don't know how the floozy is going to be in the future if we can get to being civil and good co-parents. For one she will be royally pissed off can't take our daughter out of country and can't bring her around OM well too f-ying bad for that this cake shop is closed.
> yeah I'm into movies from family man:
> Arnie: "the fidelity and trust is a tough creditor you make a deposit in another bank and they close your account forever!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine are 7 and 4. Good luck to you, it sounds like you at least have some leverage.


----------



## FourtyPlus

How do your kids feel about their Mom being so willing to take her stuff and leave?


----------



## lascarx

FourtyPlus said:


> How do your kids feel about their Mom being so willing to take her stuff and leave?


That almost makes it sound like they saw her leaving with a sprightly step and a T-shirt printed with "I Am So Glad To Leave My Kids." Of course it wasn't like that.

My older knows we're splitting up, my younger probably doesn't understand all that well. They are certainly sad because it's not a happy place here at the moment, if for no other reason. But I told them straight-out that I would always be there for them, and that their mom would be around plenty. Now she has to decide whether or not she wants to live up to that.


----------



## JustaJerk

I don't see anything wrong here. He's doing what he thinks is best for HIM. 

Not all BS's are going to be fogged-up. For some its just a straight-up dealbreaker. 

Not every BS is gonna take the high road like our friend oldmittens.

I commend you for taking the initiative and not wallowing in self-pity. 

Good Luck.


----------



## FourtyPlus

lascarx said:


> That almost makes it sound like they saw her leaving with a sprightly step and a T-shirt printed with "I Am So Glad To Leave My Kids." Of course it wasn't like that.
> 
> My older knows we're splitting up, my younger probably doesn't understand all that well. They are certainly sad because it's not a happy place here at the moment, if for no other reason. But I told them straight-out that I would always be there for them, and that their mom would be around plenty. Now she has to decide whether or not she wants to live up to that.


I'm sorry I got that wrong, it sounded like she just took the stuff you packed, got up and left. I know it happens. My father walked out on me like that. I'm glad your kids are doing alright.


----------



## hookares

lascarx, I wish you all the luck in the world.
Here's to hoping that your lawyer is true to your case and you don't draw a judge who is bedding down with one (or both) of the attorneys involved in this mess.
Just remember it doesn't always turn out the way it should.
The most important thing is that you and she are no longer "we", so anything more you get out of the experience is just trimming on the tree.


----------



## Beowulf

Blindasabat said:


> why do most divorce when kids are age 5??


According to what I've read unlike the often used term "7 year itch" the actual optimal (bad terminology I know) time for a couple to split is about the 4 or 5 year time frame. According to Dr. Helen Fisher in our ancestor's primeval days this is about the time when the child no longer needed to be carried around by the mother and could take his/her place among the tribe's other children to be watched over by all. Without the burden of a child the mother could then go out and look for the best mate to give her the next child. Most of the time this was not the father of her previous child. Fisher goes on to conclude that this biological "clock" seems to have been carried over to modern society because statistics show that couples often divorce most frequently before the 5th year of marriage.


----------



## Powerbane

Nothing like a "scorched earth", "nuclear strike" and "damn the torpedoes - full speed ahead"!

Good on ya! Kinda irrational with the physical destruction. You seem to be getting your revenge. Feels good until the fun part of smashing things wears off. Hey - each to his own but I'd probably be the same way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blindasabat

Lascarx you should start www.dumpthe*****.com which is avail. though I bet floozy b gon is avail too. you are very strong in this you are a rock you are an island. you've
helped me in my own situation get mentally tough for what's ahead
talk about Man up! you could run a boot camp for betrayed spouses. The kids aren't going to be strong like you so just give your kids alot of hugs and continue to be their dominant influence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## loveiswhereiamnot

lascarx said:


> It occurred to me that maybe the reason people can't forget painful things is because they try to separate out the good from the bad, try to hold onto one and drop the other. But memories are not divisible that way. Have to take them the way they are or surrender them completely.


that was pretty profound. and true. I think that's why I've always been able to move on, I am at peace having grief and joy live next to each other, never trying to force one to live someplace else. I don't feed grief or pain, but I surrender to its right to exist as a cost of loving without worrying about how to pay for the pain later.

I do admire your ability to know what you can and can't live with. I know I was there on D-Day, he left, and it took a long time to come to terms with the regret or wishing we could go back and start again or have a do-over. I got through it, but it was a fight for many, many months.


----------



## the guy

Have you shown your folks the emails and any other evidence? Granted, know one can really understand this crap enless they go through it, but geez...your folks should be behind you.

Maybe if they saw with there own eyes the sh!t you read, then they may understand the pain and lighten up on the forgiveness b*llsh*t.

The only concern I would have is if infact I had a friend that wasn't really a friend. I'd find out who the OM so I'm not getting the double betrayal. 

My "good" friend/business partner screwed me and my WW. So watch out, as you can see people/family arein't what they seem. So I suggest you quitely do your investigation and rule out any additional betrayal. Please think about this!


----------



## EleGirl

Ok so she left with the bag. She might have just left to get away from your anger for a few hours or a day or two. She could be in a hotel or at a friends house. Her leaving does not mean that she's with the OM.

And she might be back. She has the legal right to live in the family home. It's her residence and you do not have the right to throw her out... not until there is a court order for her to leave.

So if she comes back you have to let her back in.


----------



## lascarx

the guy said:


> Have you shown your folks the emails and any other evidence? Granted, know one can really understand this crap enless they go through it, but geez...your folks should be behind you.
> 
> Maybe if they saw with there own eyes the sh!t you read, then they may understand the pain and lighten up on the forgiveness b*llsh*t.
> 
> The only concern I would have is if infact I had a friend that wasn't really a friend. I'd find out who the OM so I'm not getting the double betrayal.
> 
> My "good" friend/business partner screwed me and my WW. So watch out, as you can see people/family arein't what they seem. So I suggest you quitely do your investigation and rule out any additional betrayal. Please think about this!


Thanks for the advice. I'm ok though.

It could be my bestest friend in the whole world and it wouldn't matter, because it would be the same as with the wife - I would only have been friends with what I thought was there. Pod person all over again. So I'm not going to sweat that one all that much. If it happens to turn out that way, I'll have me 2 phonies revealed for the price of 1.

Don't have the password to her computer and don't want it. I don't even have time to do all the reading I'd like to do, so there's no way I'm going to be bothering with that trash. Computer's going to the local UPS tomorrow, they'll hold things for pick-up.

As far as my folks go, if they can't take her going to her beau as the sign that they should be roasting up a crow for their next supper, know what? Screw them too.


----------



## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> Ok so she left with the bag. She might have just left to get away from your anger for a few hours or a day or two. She could be in a hotel or at a friends house. Her leaving does not mean that she's with the OM.
> 
> And she might be back. She has the legal right to live in the family home. It's her residence and you do not have the right to throw her out... not until there is a court order for her to leave.
> 
> So if she comes back you have to let her back in.


It's too bad you can't make real wagers on this forum. I'd bet you whatever you wish that she drove straight to his place. Why would she go anywhere else?

And I won't have to let her in because she's got a key and can let herself in. I don't plan to be doing anything libertine here, so she's welcome to stop by and have a sandwich any time she likes. Don't want her moping around and depressing the kids though.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> It's too bad you can't make real wagers on this forum. I'd bet you whatever you wish that she drove straight to his place. Why would she go anywhere else?
> 
> And I won't have to let her in because she's got a key and can let herself in. I don't plan to be doing anything libertine here, so she's welcome to stop by and have a sandwich any time she likes. Don't want her moping around and depressing the kids though.


Who knows where she went... but there a good chance it was not to him.


She can let herself in and she can stay. You cannot kick her out. If you try to keep her from staying. This is the point I'm trying to make. She has legal rights in this as well.


----------



## lascarx

Blindasabat said:


> Lascarx you should start www.dumpthe*****.com which is avail. though I bet floozy b gon is avail too. you are very strong in this you are a rock you are an island. you've
> helped me in my own situation get mentally tough for what's ahead
> talk about Man up! you could run a boot camp for betrayed spouses. The kids aren't going to be strong like you so just give your kids alot of hugs and continue to be their dominant influence.





loveiswhereiamnot said:


> that was pretty profound. and true. I think that's why I've always been able to move on, I am at peace having grief and joy live next to each other, never trying to force one to live someplace else. I don't feed grief or pain, but I surrender to its right to exist as a cost of loving without worrying about how to pay for the pain later.
> 
> I do admire your ability to know what you can and can't live with. I know I was there on D-Day, he left, and it took a long time to come to terms with the regret or wishing we could go back and start again or have a do-over. I got through it, but it was a fight for many, many months.


Anything could happen. My attorney might be full of it, she might take me for every dime and blow it with her beau on champagne and vibrating underwear. But I won't look back. You haven't lost anything if you're always looking forward, so I hope you do the same.


----------



## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> Who knows where she went... but there a good chance it was not to him.
> 
> 
> She can let herself in and she can stay. You cannot kick her out. If you try to keep her from staying. This is the point I'm trying to make. She has legal rights in this as well.


I don't plan on physically booting her, if you're trying to warn me. But she won't want to stay here, that's settled. And she knows she can't deal with the kids, that's why I changed tack and decided to stay here myself.

I'll play along. What makes you think she probably did not go to him, seeing as you weren't there?


----------



## lascarx

Powerbane said:


> Nothing like a "scorched earth", "nuclear strike" and "damn the torpedoes - full speed ahead"!
> 
> Good on ya! Kinda irrational with the physical destruction. You seem to be getting your revenge. Feels good until the fun part of smashing things wears off. Hey - each to his own but I'd probably be the same way.


No scorched earth. It was surgical in its precision - I destroyed nothing of value.


----------



## COguy

I didn't read pages 3-7 but just to let you know, as someone who's gone through this, no one should judge how you choose to respond.

I chose to reconcile, and I'm glad I did, my marriage has been amazing since (though it's an extremely difficult process). But I could not and would not judge anyone who decided to leave their spouse after cheating.

It is such an emotional decision. There are so many things you have to deal with and internalize, no one can make that decision for you. If you've decided that reconciling isn't worth the effort, don't feel guilty about it.

Sorry you're going through this BS.


----------



## the guy

How in the hell are you going to know if your best friend is stabbing you in the back unless you look?

I'm just saying you can do alot of painful research and it is my experience that it will serve you well in the future...especially when kids ar involved. 

Heaven forbid her new man is a pedifile...thats even worse then the double betrayal.

Has she been stashing money away? Is this an exit affair? 

Talk to the lawyer and ask him if there any one thing that will protect you in knowing more about the affair then what would that be, and go and find it.

Again a little research will help you in the future. Even if you hire a PI and the info goes to your lawyer, then your lawyer can see what needs to be protected here.....your kid, money, your health. Muti partners can for sure leave you at risk....you only know about one.

What was her second life all about? how much danger has this "stranger" put you and your kids in?


----------



## Blindasabat

lascarx said:


> Anything could happen. My attorney might be full of it, she might take me for every dime and blow it with her beau on champagne and vibrating underwear. But I won't look back. You haven't lost anything if you're always looking forward, so I hope you do the same.


that is my worry that it won't go the way it should but I have a very good firm and very experienced family law attorney
so I'm rolling the dice in a game I didn't want to be in and going for the best future for me and my daughter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> I don't plan on physically booting her, if you're trying to warn me. But she won't want to stay here, that's settled. And she knows she can't deal with the kids, that's why I changed tack and decided to stay here myself.
> 
> I'll play along. What makes you think she probably did not go to him, seeing as you weren't there?


My now husband did something similar with his ex-wife. She was having an affair. When he found out about the affair. He gave her to option to end the affair right then and there or to leave. She left to go live with her boyfriend.

His two younger children were 8 and 10 at the time. He ended up with 100% physcal custody and 50/50 legal custody. So she had visitation.

Later when we married he move half way across the country to the state where I live. I basically became mom to my two step-children. The held their father responsible for their mother leaving. The anger they had for him led to horrible problems with the children. 

Children see everything from their own perspective. In the end they usually do not care about the fights and problems thier parents have. They care about how this affects them. Yes my step children knew she was having an affair. But she was still their mother. They still love her. They still wanted to have her around... living in the same home with them.

They were angry at the harsh way their father treated their mother. As much as it might make sense in the adult world. In their world all they care about is that they want both of their parents.

Your kids might seem to be ok right now. It will take time for it to sink in. YOu would be best to make sure our wife and the children keep a strong relationship...for the sake of your children.


----------



## lascarx

the guy said:


> How in the hell are you going to know if your best friend is stabbing you in the back unless you look?
> 
> I'm just saying you can do alot of painful research and it is my experience that it will serve you well in the future...especially when kids ar involved.
> 
> Heaven forbid her new man is a pedifile...thats even worse then the double betrayal.
> 
> Has she been stashing money away? Is this an exit affair?
> 
> Talk to the lawyer and ask him if there any one thing that will protect you in knowing more about the affair then what would that be, and go and find it.
> 
> Again a little research will help you in the future. Even if you hire a PI and the info goes to your lawyer, then your lawyer can see what needs to be protected here.....your kid, money, your health. Muti partners can for sure leave you at risk....you only know about one.
> 
> What was her second life all about? how much danger has this "stranger" put you and your kids in?


I get where you're at, but I'll know everything there is to know about this guy latest tomorrow evening, when the wife calls her parents to tell her where she's living now. I wouldn't put it past her morally to take up with dopers or swingers but she's too fastidious about her rep to have done something like that now.

Once she makes contact, I'll go see them on their turf before letting her take the kids over there.

Strangely enough, I'm almost certain that he's a nice fellow who's just met his femme fatale. See how long that lasts.


----------



## aug

lascarx said:


> Don't have the password to her computer and don't want it. I don't even have time to do all the reading I'd like to do, so there's no way I'm going to be bothering with that trash. *Computer's going to the local UPS tomorrow*, they'll hold things for pick-up.


No. Hold onto the computer. It's evidence. And you may need more forensic evidence from it in the future.

Take the computer and secure it somewhere.


----------



## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> Your kids might seem to be ok right now. It will take time for it to sink in. YOu would be best to make sure our wife and the children keep a strong relationship...for the sake of your children.


That's her responsibility, not mine. I have no intention of pushing her completely out. But I'm not in favor of giving her any more custody than I have to. Not until I know her better.

Have to see what the court says.


----------



## lascarx

aug said:


> No. Hold onto the computer. It's evidence. And you may need more forensic evidence from it in the future.
> 
> Take the computer and secure it somewhere.


Ok, I'll put it away for a few days. Probably best to ask the attorney first, you're right.


----------



## the guy

You make the assumtion that this is the women you knew and married. Please protect your self, kids and parents and assume nothing....this is not the same women you once knew....that women has past away.

You are now dealing with a complete stranger and with that any thing is possible, the drugs the drinking the vandictive nature she has and the capacity to hurt the ones she loved.

You have no idea who your are *now* dealing with! Either does your parents, so please find out! In lighten them and your self.

Please do the research that needs to be done to find out who this stranger is and who she has become and with whome.

Your kids are counting on that. Your folk need to know what she has become.


Sure this will come out sooner or later, but will it be the truth or another smoke screen to continuely make you out to be the bad guy like she has done with your folks and hers?


I know you don't care what poeple think right now, but when the dust clears we will be kicking your self for not taking the steps in finding out what the reality is in all of this.

It may not answer the whys but like you said its about the future and you will be best served by knowing your enemy and thier capacities for the future.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> That's her responsibility, not mine. I have no intention of pushing her completely out. But I'm not in favor of giving her any more custody than I have to. Not until I know her better.
> 
> Have to see what the court says.


The way you word things makes it sound as though you think you are in charge of what happens in the divorce and with custody. You are not. Your wife has as much right to have custody of your childen as you do. If she was the primary care giver she is more likely to get primary custody. You are not the one who will be "giving her custody". The court will work to make sure that your children have as much access to both of you as possible.

I think you have an unrealistic view of what divorce is like and how courts deal with child custody.


----------



## Blindasabat

EleGirl said:


> The way you word things makes it sound as though you think you are in charge of what happens in the divorce and with custody. You are not. Your wife has as much right to have custody of your childen as you do. If she was the primary care giver she is more likely to get primary custody. You are not the one who will be "giving her custody". The court will work to make sure that your children have as much access to both of you as possible.
> 
> I think you have an unrealistic view of what divorce is like and how courts deal with child custody.


court scares me If there was true justice cheaters would go to jail and get visitation only. but the courts are fff-d up and
still can add insult to injury and favor a cheating mom over a loyal dad that's so f-ing stupid!!! my saving grace may be she exposed my
daughter to two affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lascarx

the guy said:


> You make the assumtion that this is the women you knew and married. Please protect your self, kids and parents and assume nothing....this is not the same women you once knew....that women has past away.


Friend, it's worse than that. She didn't pass away. She simply never was.

I'll definitely be finding out about him shortly. I'm taking your advice to heart.



EleGirl said:


> The way you word things makes it sound as though you think you are in charge of what happens in the divorce and with custody. You are not. Your wife has as much right to have custody of your childen as you do. If she was the primary care giver she is more likely to get primary custody. You are not the one who will be "giving her custody". The court will work to make sure that your children have as much access to both of you as possible.
> 
> I think you have an unrealistic view of what divorce is like and how courts deal with child custody.


I smell some other unspoken agenda here, but what people don't want to say, they won't.

When I say "not in favor of giving her more than I have to," that's what I mean. I may not have anything to say at all. I may indeed HAVE TO give her everything. That's why I say "have to see what the court says." But I have no intention of rolling over. Nor do I intend to represent myself.

The original plan was I leave. She finally left because she wanted to be with her beau. I'm guessing the problem was that she couldn't admit it and that's what was getting her all down-in-the-mouth and mopey. So: I'm currently the single parent. That's the physical what-is, even if the law isn't planning to give me a trip to Disney World for it.

She'll have fun with her beau and then she'll be back around to talk turkey, I have no delusions about that. But it will be a few weeks before she gets that far. Like I said, she's free to stop by any time she likes.


----------



## Shaggy

EleGirl said:


> My now husband did something similar with his ex-wife. She was having an affair. When he found out about the affair. He gave her to option to end the affair right then and there or to leave. She left to go live with her boyfriend.
> 
> His two younger children were 8 and 10 at the time. He ended up with 100% physcal custody and 50/50 legal custody. So she had visitation.
> 
> Later when we married he move half way across the country to the state where I live. I basically became mom to my two step-children. The held their father responsible for their mother leaving. The anger they had for him led to horrible problems with the children.
> 
> Children see everything from their own perspective. In the end they usually do not care about the fights and problems thier parents have. They care about how this affects them. Yes my step children knew she was having an affair. But she was still their mother. They still love her. They still wanted to have her around... living in the same home with them.
> 
> They were angry at the harsh way their father treated their mother. As much as it might make sense in the adult world. In their world all they care about is that they want both of their parents.
> 
> Your kids might seem to be ok right now. It will take time for it to sink in. YOu would be best to make sure our wife and the children keep a strong relationship...for the sake of your children.


Wow, someone really needed to set them staight on the choice their mother made: The boyfriend over them. what a piece of scum she was.


----------



## Shaggy

EleGirl said:


> The way you word things makes it sound as though you think you are in charge of what happens in the divorce and with custody. You are not. Your wife has as much right to have custody of your childen as you do. If she was the primary care giver she is more likely to get primary custody. You are not the one who will be "giving her custody". The court will work to make sure that your children have as much access to both of you as possible.
> 
> I think you have an unrealistic view of what divorce is like and how courts deal with child custody.


This is why he needs the shark lawyer - to keep as much from her as he can get. 

I think the marriage contract should include a legal class in all states which says - If you cheat: You loose it all.


----------



## the guy

Abandonment........ talk to the lawyer and inform him that she left the family home to be with OM.

Also look into a moral clause that will prevent the OM from being introduced to the kids while your still married, for that matter this clause may prevent OM from ever seeing our kids until the divorces.

Don't make it easy for mom to indroduce her "new friend" to the kids.


----------



## Blindasabat

Shaggy said:


> This is why he needs the shark lawyer - to keep as much from her as he can get.
> 
> I think the marriage contract should include a legal class in all states which says - If you cheat: You loose it all.


here here!! can't get that I agree dude on my mobile
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

EleGirl said:


> My now husband did something similar with his ex-wife. She was having an affair. When he found out about the affair. He gave her to option to end the affair right then and there or to leave. She left to go live with her boyfriend.
> 
> His two younger children were 8 and 10 at the time. He ended up with 100% physcal custody and 50/50 legal custody. So she had visitation.
> 
> Later when we married he move half way across the country to the state where I live. I basically became mom to my two step-children. The held their father responsible for their mother leaving. The anger they had for him led to horrible problems with the children.
> 
> Children see everything from their own perspective. In the end they usually do not care about the fights and problems thier parents have. They care about how this affects them. Yes my step children knew she was having an affair. But she was still their mother. They still love her. They still wanted to have her around... living in the same home with them.
> 
> They were angry at the harsh way their father treated their mother. As much as it might make sense in the adult world. In their world all they care about is that they want both of their parents.
> 
> Your kids might seem to be ok right now. It will take time for it to sink in. YOu would be best to make sure our wife and the children keep a strong relationship...for the sake of your children.


My buddy is going through the exact same thing. His WW left the home to live the single life in her apartment. The two younger ones 10 & 13. In no way do they blame their Dad, they KNOW its their mom's fault. The younger one is taking it particularly hard because he was mama's boy. He's pretty bitter about his mother abandoning him. On the two days a week that they spend over there, he basically has to cajole and talk his boys into having to stay at their mom's apartment. Oh, and those two days are all that she can stand to have them over. It wasn't until my buddy found out that she was letting them sleep on the floor while she slept in the bed, that she actually got around to getting a cot for the younger one and letting the older one sleep in bed with her. That's why he's getting full custody.

My contribution was introducing him to his shark lawyer of the Cordell and Cordell law firm. Google it.


----------



## lascarx

Now speak of the devil. Mama-in-law just called, and the wife is indeed at her beau's place.

He's some bigwig at a local hospital. Don't see him trying to take my bank account for a ride. Probably not a doper or a pervert either.

Mama-in-law says she's just sooo sorry for all the things that have happened lately and all the things she might have said, but I have to accept that it was never really the right match. Mama dear, I knew that last week. No harm, no foul, now let's all get on with living, why don't we?


----------



## the guy

here here.....carry on 

One more thing, who would have thought a Penn State coach was a perv?
Just saying!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## EleGirl

Blindasabat said:


> court scares me If there was true justice cheaters would go to jail and get visitation only. but the courts are fff-d up and
> still can add insult to injury and favor a cheating mom over a loyal dad that's so f-ing stupid!!! my saving grace may be she exposed my
> daughter to two affairs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While I understand the BS wants revenge and punishment for the WS, jail time does not cut it. Should we go to stoning as well? At least 50% of people cheat… We already have 10% of our population in prisons. Now you want to put 50% in prison? Yikes!

Family court is not about justice. That's the issue. We do not criminalize adultery. There are other things that spouses do to each other that ought to be criminalized as well. Adultery, believe it or not, is not the only horrible thing that spouses do.

There are so many divorces these days. The last thing a judge wants to hear is couples all day long trashing each other in court. I've been in court and seen a judge tell spouses (usually women) whose husbands were abusive and adulterers that quite frankly they do not care to be involved in the middle of a couple’s arguments and fight. And to stop trying to prove infidelity, etc. Divorce is no fault and the court does not care who did what. The laws decide how things like income, assets, debts and custody are decided. End of story. 

The fact is that in our society, women and men have the legal right to leave their spouse. Divorce and adultery are so common that the courts gave up on the old fault type of divorce a long time ago. They have become divorce factories with standard forms, standard ways of handing cases, etc.

Shoot, when my brother went to his interim support hearing in Sept, there were several other couples, their attorneys, one judge and one court mediator. The mediator took each couple’s financial statements, calculated support. The paper was handed to the judge and the judge signed it. If a couple and/or their attorneys felt they had a special circumstance they got less than 5 minutes of the judges time. Like I said, divorce factories.

I think that no fault divorce is wise as nasty divorces are not good for anyone. And even with adultery there can be extenuating circumstances that are hard to prove I court but still very real. 

Sometimes it’s not so easy to tell who really contributed the most or who is really at fault in the demise of a marriage. So better just split the assets and debts, make custody arrangements and let both parties move on with their lives as quickly as possible. Using the court system to punish one’s cheating spouse does not help the BS at all. Remember that negative things.. anger, revenge, etc.. are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

There is no longer ownership of another human via marriage.


----------



## EleGirl

Shaggy said:


> Wow, someone really needed to set them staight on the choice their mother made: The boyfriend over them. what a piece of scum she was.


In my opinion the mother of my step-children is about as low a person as it can get. The kids have been told very clearly about their mother. They know what she did.

But the bottom line is that children love both parents. The entire time they were growing up in my house they were monstrous to me and their father. According to them the mother who seldom even called them was a saint. I think they did that subcouciously to save their own selves... what does it say about a child if their own mother throws them away after she raised them for 8/10 years? So in their minds they had to see her as better, much better. And they had to see their father and me as the mean people who took them away from their loving mother and her wonderful boyfriend.

Now that they are grown they have told me that I have done a 1000 times more for them then their mother has. They have both also told her off. My step daughter left and went to live with her mother for her junior year of high school. We told her she could not but she did. It ended up being a very good thing that she did... as the end of that year she told her mother off and returned to our home. She said that she came to realize who/what her mother is.

But keep in mind that their mother is also bi-polar. So she has real problems and has been in a mental ward twice, for a couple of weeks each for serious melt downs.


----------



## EleGirl

Shaggy said:


> This is why he needs the shark lawyer - to keep as much from her as he can get.
> 
> I think the marriage contract should include a legal class in all states which says - If you cheat: You loose it all.


All states used to have that kind of law. But the problem came to be that each spouse would come up with all kinds of evidence to 'prove' that the other one was cheating. With the number of divorces we have today the courts would be clogged to a stand-still with spouses trying to prove infidelity so they could get it all.


----------



## EleGirl

lordmayhem said:


> My buddy is going through the exact same thing. His WW left the home to live the single life in her apartment. The two younger ones 10 & 13. In no way do they blame their Dad, they KNOW its their mom's fault. The younger one is taking it particularly hard because he was mama's boy. He's pretty bitter about his mother abandoning him. On the two days a week that they spend over there, he basically has to cajole and talk his boys into having to stay at their mom's apartment. Oh, and those two days are all that she can stand to have them over. It wasn't until my buddy found out that she was letting them sleep on the floor while she slept in the bed, that she actually got around to getting a cot for the younger one and letting the older one sleep in bed with her. That's why he's getting full custody.
> 
> My contribution was introducing him to his shark lawyer of the Cordell and Cordell law firm. Google it.


The issue about children is that the way they will react is unpredictable. It could go either way. Only time will tell


----------



## lascarx

Interesting take all of this, because my attorney says there will definitely be legal fisticuffs of some sort or another in my case, and infidelity will play a role.

If it's all a big no-fault-assembly-line, how can there be a mechanism to hear our conflict? Sure, the attorneys want to make money, but they can't build their own courtrooms and hire their own judges for people who want "the old fault type of divorce." Something's missing in this summary, I think.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> Now speak of the devil. Mama-in-law just called, and the wife is indeed at her beau's place.
> 
> He's some bigwig at a local hospital. Don't see him trying to take my bank account for a ride. Probably not a doper or a pervert either.
> 
> Mama-in-law says she's just sooo sorry for all the things that have happened lately and all the things she might have said, but I have to accept that it was never really the right match. Mama dear, I knew that last week. No harm, no foul, now let's all get on with living, why don't we?


Ok, you win the bet... was just playing devil's advocate. 

This is going to get 'interesting'.


----------



## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> In my opinion the mother of my step-children is about as low a person as it can get.


I know someone lower. Well, knew.

Well, thought I knew.


----------



## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> Ok, you win the bet... was just playing devil's advocate.
> 
> This is going to get 'interesting'.


Not at all. Lawyers will handle it, that's what they're there for.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> I know someone lower. Well, knew.
> 
> Well, thought I knew.


There is a lot about the mother of my step-children that I have not exposed here. Believe me there are few people on this earth as low as she. What your wife has done is child's play in comparison.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> Interesting take all of this, because my attorney says there will definitely be legal fisticuffs of some sort or another in my case, and infidelity will play a role.
> 
> ....


You said that he was going to use exposure of infidelity... how and to whom would he be threatening to expose her infidelity? Seems that a lot of people already know. 

If she is now going to be living with him I doubt they care who knows now.


----------



## lascarx

EleGirl said:


> You said that he was going to use exposure of infidelity... how and to whom would he be threatening to expose her infidelity? Seems that a lot of people already know.
> 
> If she is now going to be living with him I doubt they care who knows now.


Who knows, he might have just been blowing smoke to get my custom. We'll see when I talk to him tomorrow.

It's ironic because mama-in-law always thought the wife was marrying down, but the wife and I always used to laugh about it. First year we were married, after the in-laws left one night, I sang like Hank Williams for her: 

"Mama, if you want your daughter
not to live in squalor,
Then you gotta find a son-in-law
who wears a nice white collar.

And don't forget it always pays
to keep that lass a virgin,
Because that's what it takes to snare
young financiers and surgeons."

But I guess that even if the apple tries to fall a little further from the tree, it ends up rolling back. It's a big relief that she finally showed her hand.


----------



## warlock07

> Mama-in-law says she's just sooo sorry for all the things that have happened lately and all the things she might have said, *but I have to accept that it was never really the right match*. Mama dear, I knew that last week. No harm, no foul, now let's all get on with living, why don't we?


Like mother like daughter huh? pathetic!!

get rid off these people


----------



## Shaggy

lascarx said:


> Now speak of the devil. Mama-in-law just called, and the wife is indeed at her beau's place.
> 
> He's some bigwig at a local hospital. Don't see him trying to take my bank account for a ride. Probably not a doper or a pervert either.
> 
> Mama-in-law says she's just sooo sorry for all the things that have happened lately and all the things she might have said, but I have to accept that it was never really the right match. Mama dear, I knew that last week. No harm, no foul, now let's all get on with living, why don't we?


Actual POSOM might offer to bank roll a shark to go after you and get everything "she's entitled too"

So how did they meet up - perhaps you can exploit that connection force her to accept better divorce terms?


----------



## lascarx

Shaggy said:


> Actual POSOM might offer to bank roll a shark to go after you and get everything "she's entitled too"
> 
> So how did they meet up - perhaps you can exploit that connection force her to accept better divorce terms?


I'm not Rockefeller, there isn't much to get. Actually, it's worked out fine. Would rather have her with someone "respectable" than some biker who gets it in his head that I got stuff he could pawn for pills or a new carburetor.

Have no idea how they met up. But I'll talk to my attorney today and find out if it's relevant, good idea.


----------



## Sindo

lascarx said:


> I'm not Rockefeller, there isn't much to get. Actually, it's worked out fine. Would rather have her with someone "respectable" than some biker who gets it in his head that I got stuff he could pawn for pills or a new carburetor.
> 
> Have no idea how they met up. But I'll talk to my attorney today and find out if it's relevant, good idea.


It's not money that I'd be worried about.

Think about it. After D-Day, your wife tried hard to convince you to work it out. We know now she wasn't staying with you for the money. I can only think of 3 possible reasons why she was so desperate to keep you.

1. She weighed up the OM and yourself, and decided (too late) that she loved you more.
2. Shame
3. She didn't want to break up her family and *lose her kids*.

The legal system doesn't favor men in custody arrangements. You closed the door hard on any reconciliation, so she gains nothing from playing nice. If OM hires a shark, I can see you getting screwed over.

It's tempting to place your trust blindly with your lawyers, but do a bit of research yourself. Dadsdivorce.com may be a good place to start.

And stop burying your head in the sand when it comes to the OM. If you're up to it, have a look through those e-mails you forwarded to yourself. You're doing yourself no favors by remaining ignorant, especially if it turns out that there is something that can help you in the divorce.


----------



## lascarx

I'll take all the advice, but I think it'll be ok. Have to laugh now because it all really couldn't be better. Mama-in-law is certainly pleased as punch that her girl has moved upmarket, but she'll tell her to make sure now not to bring any dirt on their reputation. And though she crossed her mama when she married me, I can't ever recall her doing it since.

Good idea to hold onto the emails though. I'll give mama-in-law a friendly call and tell her there's a bunch of stuff I won't much care to talk about as long as we all keep us nice and quiet.

So, that doesn't mean 100% safe but no need to fret yet.


----------



## FourtyPlus

Get all the information you can possibly get. Okay so you might not have millions laying around for them to get but think of the agony it will bring you just to have to deal with what they might be throwing your way. If you can shut down anything they might come up with with evidence from her computer or whatever else you can find out, you can take the wind out of their sail before the even get in the boat.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Lascarx, it sounds like you're doing well. Take care of yourself; take care of your kids. If your family can't get on board, then it's their loss.

Definitely make sure that your lawyer is able to protect you, your assets and is a strong advocate of you having as much custody as possible. 

Good luck, friend. Sounds like you're on the right course.


----------



## Chaparral

What were the logistics of the affair? When did she have the time?


----------



## EleGirl

Lascarx, 

You may not have millions, but most likely you will be paying her child support and interim spousal support until the divorce is final. 

Since you've been married for 8 years you marriage probably is not considered long term. There will most likely be child support, figure about 10% of you income per child.. so about 10% - 20% in child support. And then there could be spousal support until she finds a job depending on which state you are in.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> Interesting take all of this, because my attorney says there will definitely be legal fisticuffs of some sort or another in my case, and infidelity will play a role.
> 
> If it's all a big no-fault-assembly-line, how can there be a mechanism to hear our conflict? Sure, the attorneys want to make money, but they can't build their own courtrooms and hire their own judges for people who want "the old fault type of divorce." Something's missing in this summary, I think.


What conflict of yours do you want the court to hear?

Do you mind sharing what state you are in? It can make a big difference.


----------



## Kobo

lascarx said:


> Actually, it's worked out fine. Would rather have her with someone "respectable" than some biker who gets it in his head that I got stuff he could pawn for pills or a new carburetor.


Damn that made me spit up my water


----------



## lascarx

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Lascarx, it sounds like you're doing well. Take care of yourself; take care of your kids. If your family can't get on board, then it's their loss.
> 
> Definitely make sure that your lawyer is able to protect you, your assets and is a strong advocate of you having as much custody as possible.
> 
> Good luck, friend. Sounds like you're on the right course.


Thanks for the kind word, and I'm definitely feeling good about the lawyer.



chapparal said:


> What were the logistics of the affair? When did she have the time?


My guess is while I was away at work and my older was at school. There's a few friends she could have left the younger with while she got her tune-up, but I'm not planning to ask around because I don't really need to seek contention with everyone who might have known. I'm pretty sure she had him over a few times and it must have been while I was visiting my folks with the kids. She begged off a few of those visits saying she was feeling poorly due to getting her monthlies early. How's that excuse grab you?



EleGirl said:


> What conflict of yours do you want the court to hear?
> 
> Do you mind sharing what state you are in? It can make a big difference.


The conflict over who gets how much of what, etc.

I doubt I'll be suing Young Dr. Kildare, but if the wife makes things really hot, it might be an option. My attorney said that would only be last resort territory though.

We're all having our soap opera here in North Carolina, in-laws participating via telephone currently, but I assume they'll be coming to bless us with their presence soon. Having a little something extra to go with your marital does mean something around here, I've heard. Hence my confusion about your comments. But my attorney set me straight, he said we North Carolinians are still keeping the no-fault barbarians at the gate.



Kobo said:


> Damn that made me spit up my water


I speak from knowledge. I know a guy at work, his wife gets the call of the wild last year, takes up with some motorcycle freaks and next thing you know they've ransacked his house and fenced everything across the next three counties. Needless to say there was no reconciliation, though she really didn't look too much the worse for wear when she finally came back around. No tattoos, at least none any of us could see. Good thing they hadn't any kids.


----------



## morituri

lascarx said:


> Young Dr. Kildare


You're either showing your age or you are a serious old tv show junkie.


----------



## turnera

lascarx said:


> she knows she can't deal with the kids,


Why is that?


----------



## lascarx

turnera said:


> Why is that?


Because all she wants right now is her beau. Like Candy-land, pie and pop for supper. She'll think of the kids when mama-in-law's feeling secure that they're courting proper and brings her back to earth.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Expose the guy to his family and work. It makes the affair uncomfortable and it gives you a better chance of breaking them up and keeping your children away from their fantasy.

It is highly likely they were in contact during his working hours and he may even have used the company mail of phone to contact your wife.


----------



## EleGirl

lascarx said:


> The conflict over who gets how much of what, etc.
> 
> I doubt I'll be suing Young Dr. Kildare, but if the wife makes things really hot, it might be an option. My attorney said that would only be last resort territory though.
> 
> We're all having our soap opera here in North Carolina, in-laws participating via telephone currently, but I assume they'll be coming to bless us with their presence soon. Having a little something extra to go with your marital does mean something around here, I've heard. Hence my confusion about your comments. But my attorney set me straight, he said we North Carolinians are still keeping the no-fault barbarians at the gate.


NC is an equitable distribution state. Have you looked at the state laws for property distribution, alimoney, child support, custory? Those will rule.

In NC you can bring up the adultry. So that might help reduce things like support. 


North Carolina Divorce Laws - North Carolina State Divorce Laws

Marital Property - Equitable Distribution of Marital Property


----------



## NaturalHeart

lascarx said:


> I get what you all mean, but what I loved was what I thought my wife was, not what she really is. It's like having been in love with a character in a movie or a novel.
> 
> _That person does not exist. She never existed._
> 
> Time to get into reality, but there's no need to blow it out of proportion. I got conned. Lots of people get conned.


Very well spoken and that is why I will be able to walk away knowing I can't live like that. The last thing I want to be worried about is my blood test on my yearly exams due to me trusting the person I said vows to. There you go ON POINT!


----------



## tacoma

Why is suing the OM a last resort only?

If you have solid objective evidence you can sue the crap out of him in NC for alienation of affection.

Why not do so?

I`d do it simply because I`m a nasty bastard.

Hell I sued the crap out of a loser drug addict and I`ll never see any money, it felt damn good though and I managed to screw up his future.


----------



## Chaparral

tacoma said:


> Why is suing the OM a last resort only?
> 
> If you have solid objective evidence you can sue the crap out of him in NC for alienation of affection.
> 
> Why not do so?
> 
> I`d do it simply because I`m a nasty bastard.
> 
> Hell I sued the crap out of a loser drug addict and I`ll never see any money, it felt damn good though and I managed to screw up his future.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I just don't get why so many people let the OM/OW off the hook so easily. Its no wonder people have no fear of breaking up other people's relationships. God help the ba$stard that messwith my family.


----------



## waiting for you

S,

It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know? 

When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.

But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.

I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.

I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.

I love you so very much and I am so sorry.

A.


----------



## EleGirl

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


Are you Lascarx's wife?


----------



## allthegoodnamesaregone

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


I for one would love to hear it, it might give a number here a heads up or at least some sort of closure. My wife did much the same thing after 24 years together. I can't for the life of me after six months of dissecting my entire marriage find anything I've done worth running into the arms of another man.


----------



## EleGirl

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> I for one would love to hear it, it might give a number here a heads up or at least some sort of closure. My wife did much the same thing after 24 years together. I can't for the life of me after six months of dissecting my entire marriage find anything I've done worth running into the arms of another man.


Are you still with your wife? 

Hasn't she told you what she found missing in the relationship?


----------



## 67flh

this could get interesting....grab the popcorn


----------



## Chaparral

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


You had an affair for more than a year, how did you think that was going to work out?

Now you are staying with your boyfriend? Good move.


----------



## aug

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because *you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart.* I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> *I love you so very much and I am so sorry.*
> 
> A.



I assume you're in the right thread and writing to the right person.

Writing "I love you so very much and I am so sorry." is meaningless given what you've done for so long and the depth of betrayal you are capable of accomplishing.

He'll need to detach (harden? his heart) so that he can survive through this time of turmoil and pain and think rationally about his future.


----------



## allthegoodnamesaregone

EleGirl said:


> Are you still with your wife?
> 
> Hasn't she told you what she found missing in the relationship?


No, none. We had one of those marriages where we mutually worked on everything together, rarely fought about anything. I got the standard speech and she left three days later. Found out three weeks ago she met some guy playing World Of Warcraft, a year and a half ago, started an EA this past spring that went PA some time before she dropped the bomb in July. Short of becoming a bit distant off and on the last month we were together ( she said it was her Hormones when I asked her what was bothering her, she's 45) I got no indication of a problem.


----------



## aug

tacoma said:


> Why is suing the OM a last resort only?
> 
> If you have solid objective evidence you can sue the crap out of him in NC for alienation of affection.
> 
> Why not do so?
> 
> I`d do it simply because I`m a nasty bastard.
> 
> Hell I sued the crap out of a loser drug addict and I`ll never see any money, it felt damn good though and I managed to screw up his future.



Dont give up on this option or put it on the back burner.

Continue to gather evidence. Witnesses, papers, etc...


----------



## EleGirl

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> No, none. We had one of those marriages where we mutually worked on everything together, rarely fought about anything. I got the standard speech and she left three days later. Found out three weeks ago she met some guy playing World Of Warcraft, a year and a half ago, started an EA this past spring that went PA some time before she dropped the bomb in July. Short of becoming a bit distant off and on the last month we were together ( she said it was her Hormones when I asked her what was bothering her, she's 45) I got no indication of a problem.


Wow..

Hormones.. that probably means that she has no clue why this happened. Sometimes I think that people find themselves in situations and suddenly they feel things for another person. And instead of using that as a warning sign to back off the pursue the good feelings.


----------



## allthegoodnamesaregone

EleGirl said:


> Wow..
> 
> Hormones.. that probably means that she has no clue why this happened. Sometimes I think that people find themselves in situations and suddenly they feel things for another person. And instead of using that as a warning sign to back off the pursue the good feelings.


That's pretty much it, she's acting like a Teen aged girl now, morphing to the OM's interests, things like watching football in sportsbars, something she never had any interest in before.
She became an alien pod person... Now back to our regular programming......


----------



## NaturalHeart

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


SUBSCRIBE


----------



## NaturalHeart

aug said:


> I assume you're in the right thread and writing to the right person.
> 
> Writing "I love you so very much and I am so sorry." is meaningless given what you've done for so long and the depth of betrayal you are capable of accomplishing.
> 
> He'll need to detach (harden? his heart) so that he can survive through this time of turmoil and pain and think rationally about his future.





waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.[/QUO
> 
> I want to know if you felt like you had to mess over your husband due to the career title of the dude in the hospital and did the fact that your mama feeling like your husband was not good enough is the reason you had a year long affair with this dude?


----------



## warlock07

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


Don't know why but this Made me want to puke. 

How did she find this out anyway? Key logged him?


----------



## the guy

wfy, didn't you know it was a deal breaker when you started the A?

It also looks like some one left the labtop open.


----------



## tacoma

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


She writes well.

Already has me wanting to take her back.


----------



## tacoma

warlock07 said:


> Don't know why but this Made me want to puke.
> 
> How did she find this out anyway? Key logged him?


It`s probably not that odd actually.

This site is high in the Google results for "infidelity/marriage" searches.

They`re both having marital trouble due to infidelity.
Almost figures they might stumble upon each other...maybe.
It`s happened before.

It`s why if I ever have a serious problem to post here I`ll be doing it under a different name and in the private section.


----------



## CH

tacoma said:


> She writes well.
> 
> Already has me wanting to take her back.


Until you remember that the 1st person she ran to was the OM 

But wait, she's broken it off with him for good to prove to her husband that he's the only one she wants. So, did she break it off or the did OM finally boot her out is my question.


----------



## aug

lascarx said:


> Long-term or short-term don't make the difference, as far as I'm concerned. The wife got so whiny this morning that I said, ok, 5 minutes to speak your piece and that's the last I want to hear. She tells me that the actual bed affair was only going on for a couple of weeks, it's only the emails that have been going on for longer and most of them aren't even affair material, and the reason *she left the house in a hurry on what turned out to be D-day was really to tell him that it was a mistake and over. *She begged me to read all the emails going back to the beginning. She truly did not understand that even if her story were true, it wouldn't make things any better.






waiting for you said:


> *I finally went to him *because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.



The 2 in bold do not match. 

If it was really over at D-day, why go to the OM later?


----------



## Wanabeelee

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


 I would also like to here it. I get I was controlling, she was smothered, was wanting to know what she was missing out on only being with me, she was trapped, she thought I could not have loved here even though I begged her that morning and said we could go to mc. I would love to know why someone is willing to overlook the good times, the love, the kids, the years of being there for one another to get a little d1c1{.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

aug said:


> The 2 in bold do not match.
> 
> If it was really over at D-day, why go to the OM later?


It's two different instances. 

He's talking about D-Day.

She's talking about the when gave her a packed bag and told her to get out.


----------



## warlock07

cheatinghubby said:


> Until you remember that the 1st person she ran to was the OM
> 
> But wait, she's broken it off with him for good to prove to her husband that he's the only one she wants. So, did she break it off or the did OM finally boot her out is my question.


I is very likely that he booted her(Or him/her realizing that it won't work out) but I don't know either of them. She could be genuine, but at this point it is unlikely. Or she could break up with OM 20 more times.



> It's two different instances.
> 
> He's talking about D-Day.
> 
> She's talking about the when gave her a packed bag and told her to get out.


 She claimed to have ended it with the OM. The first person she goes to when she was kicked out was the OM. So if I were the BS, I would put too many hopes on her honesty.


----------



## COguy

I believe her. I'm not judging either person but OP sounds pretty bitter and harsh. I can see her wanting to reconcile, getting the anger, and then feeling forced into going back to the OM.

Not trying to be judgemental to the OP, she betrayed him for over a year. But it's pretty clear he's not willing to reconcile, so what does he expect his partner to do?

And to answer you Wannabe, hurting people do crazy things, you can't expect rational decisions from someone in an affair. It's like an addiction. Why would anyone throw away their lives for another pill, or crack rock, or bottle of vodka? Yet thousands do it every day.......


----------



## Shaggy

Wanna bet OM when faced with having a lying cheatng you know what dragging on hm everyday, said to her to get out? After he had a couple of goodbye hay rolls.

Now the real man, her husband, and the POSOM have both told her to get out, she comes back looking for her meal ticket again.

Didnt she ready claim to end it on DDay, so this is now second time she said she wasn't going to see him agsin.

Can you say false R time folks?

Looks like POSOM liked the ride, but he didn't want it parked in his driveway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

COguy said:


> I believe her. I'm not judging either person but OP sounds pretty bitter and harsh. I can see her wanting to reconcile, getting the anger, and then feeling forced into going back to the OM.
> 
> Not trying to be judgemental to the OP, she betrayed him for over a year. But it's pretty clear he's not willing to reconcile, so what does he expect his partner to do?
> 
> And to answer you Wannabe, hurting people do crazy things, you can't expect rational decisions from someone in an affair. It's like an addiction. Why would anyone throw away their lives for another pill, or crack rock, or bottle of vodka? Yet thousands do it every day.......


She was faced with a man with a capital S Spine, who looked at a cheatng wife and realized he had no further use for it.

She ran to POSOM and left her kids when she could have insisted on staying, gone to friends, or a hotel. Nope, the fact that POSOM was choice #1 shows that DDay 1 had her lying about ending it.msye never intended to end it, and if OP tool her back now, she would wait and start back up someday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wanabeelee

COguy said:


> And to answer you Wannabe, hurting people do crazy things, you can't expect rational decisions from someone in an affair. It's like an addiction. Why would anyone throw away their lives for another pill, or crack rock, or bottle of vodka? Yet thousands do it every day.......


so since I'm hurting so much it is a get out of jail card for anything I *WANT[\b] to do? I can't make rational decisions!
Posted via Mobile Device*


----------



## COguy

Shaggy said:


> She was faced with a man with a capital S Spine, who looked at a cheatng wife and realized he had no further use for it.
> 
> *She ran to POSOM and left her kids when she could have insisted on staying, gone to friends, or a hotel.* Nope, the fact that POSOM was choice #1 shows that DDay 1 had her lying about ending it.msye never intended to end it, and if OP tool her back now, she would wait and start back up someday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point...


----------



## COguy

Wanabeelee said:


> so since I'm hurting so much it is a get out of jail card for anything I *WANT[\b] to do? I can't make rational decisions!
> Posted via Mobile Device*


*

Hell no. It's not an excuse to screw around. Just that not everyone deals with their internal sh*t in a sane, rational way. Most people in the heat of an affair aren't doing a cost/benefit analysis of the interaction. Just like a drug addict isn't weighing the consequences of their drug use before they take a mega hit of heroine they paid for by stealing from their kid's piggy bank, from a used needle they found in a dumpster.

Most people aren't strong enough to see past their initial reaction to the consequences. It's why 30-50% of people cheat..... Don't try to understand why someone would do something so stupid, you won't get a good answer. It's not until they are separated from their crazy ride that they'll understand how stupid their actions were.*


----------



## TDSC60

COguy said:


> Good point...


Remember it was the MIL who called and said she went to the OM and MIL did not like the husband from day one. MILs can be a real downer on a marriage. First hand experience for me dealing with the wicked witch of the north.

Just saying. These two need to talk calmly face to face. But I would say not now. Give it time to calm down a bit.


----------



## EleGirl

TDSC60 said:


> Remember it was the MIL who called and said she went to the OM and MIL did not like the husband from day one. MILs can be a real downer on a marriage. First hand experience for me dealing with the *wicked witch of the north*.
> 
> Just saying. These two need to talk calmly face to face. But I would say not now. Give it time to calm down a bit.


Small world. My ex-mother-in-law must by your MIL's sister. Mine was the Wicked Witch of the West... darn small world I tell ya!!


----------



## TDSC60

Elegirl

They probably shared a broomstick, cauldron and spell book.


----------



## Sindo

I suspected this might happen the moment lascarx said he'd shown this thread to his parents.



waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


Waiting, I get that you want to save your marriage, but prepare yourself for the possibility that you may never get him back. Sometimes, even if the disloyal spouse does all the right things after D-Day, it's not enough. 

You're free to try, of course, but it's an uphill battle that requires a lot of patience, and there are no guarantees.

Edit: Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to talk. You may have to resort to communication by message board for a while yet.


----------



## aug

Sindo said:


> I suspected this might happen the moment lascarx said he'd shown this thread to his parents.



This makes sense.

She knows lascarx's parents (and whoever else) are reading this thread, so she's quite likely spinning her side to make herself look better, rewriting her history.


----------



## morituri

Now, now folks let's keep things cool until the OP of this thread comes back with a reply. I suspect that he probably has been caught off guard by his wife's posting as all of us here as well.


----------



## lordmayhem

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?


No, we don't know him, but we've been in his shoes and know the agony that comes as the result of having a cheating spouse. That's something you don't don't know about.



waiting for you said:


> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.


You talk about it as if it was a one time thing. :lol:

Why didn't you go to family or friends? No, you had to go bang your OM. *And like most cheaters, you try to minimize and even trickle truth everyone here: You've been screwing your OM for OVER A YEAR*.



waiting for you said:


> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


Did you think about your love for your husband while you were riding your boyfriend? I don't think so. Too bad you didn't love him enough to not cheat on him the way you did. Screwing another man for a year? How could ANYONE believe what you say? You're only sorry you got caught and are now facing the consequences.


----------



## lascarx

when I was a boy in school they made us read a story about a guy who had to choose between two doors. If he picked one he got a new beautiful wife, and if he picked the other there was a tiger behind it that would rip him up. kind of like Let's Make A Deal meets Siegfried and Roy, I guess. The story went on and on and on and what did you get at the end? Nothing. It didn't tell you what happened. The guy picked a door, it opened, and then you were supposed to fill in the blank yourself.

The principal sent for my parents that day because I just couldn't quit asking the teacher why anyone would pull such a dirty gyp. A story had to have an ending, see? Otherwise there was no point. I didn't see that the real point was that you can't expect your endings to be given to you, sometimes you have to take them completely into your own hands.

They did. Or they didn't. Or they somehow neither did nor didn't but made peace with it anyway. Don't know yet. Have to take a breather.

Wish you all a Happy New Year.


----------



## Chaparral

lascarx said:


> when I was a boy in school they made us read a story about a guy who had to choose between two doors. If he picked one he got a new beautiful wife, and if he picked the other there was a tiger behind it that would rip him up. kind of like Let's Make A Deal meets Siegfried and Roy, I guess. The story went on and on and on and what did you get at the end? Nothing. It didn't tell you what happened. The guy picked a door, it opened, and then you were supposed to fill in the blank yourself.
> 
> The principal sent for my parents that day because I just couldn't quit asking the teacher why anyone would pull such a dirty gyp. A story had to have an ending, see? Otherwise there was no point. I didn't see that the real point was that you can't expect your endings to be given to you, sometimes you have to take them completely into your own hands.
> 
> They did. Or they didn't. Or they somehow neither did nor didn't but made peace with it anyway. Don't know yet. Have to take a breather.
> 
> Wish you all a Happy New Year.


Good luck with whatever you do, and Happy New Year to you too!!!! Its your life and your call.


----------



## hookares

Shaggy said:


> Wanna bet OM when faced with having a lying cheatng you know what dragging on hm everyday, said to her to get out? After he had a couple of goodbye hay rolls.
> 
> Now the real man, her husband, and the POSOM have both told her to get out, she comes back looking for her meal ticket again.
> 
> Didnt she ready claim to end it on DDay, so this is now second time she said she wasn't going to see him agsin.
> 
> Can you say false R time folks?
> 
> Looks like POSOM liked the ride, but he didn't want it parked in his driveway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS, for sure. Mine wanted to come back after she went through three guys after the one she was cheating on me with. That was two years after I had gotten the news and moved on.
There just was no more room for her since I only have one bed in my place.


----------



## TCx

lascarx said:


> A story had to have an ending, see? Otherwise there was no point. I didn't see that the real point was that you can't expect your endings to be given to you, sometimes you have to take them completely into your own hands.
> 
> They did. Or they didn't. Or they somehow neither did nor didn't but made peace with it anyway. Don't know yet. Have to take a breather.


Or maybe the point that was when you are faced with two seemingly identical doors, it doesn't matter which one you choose. The story is about the indecision and finding out which door to take. But once you decide that there are only two doors in front of you (and not a third), you're going to agonize over it until you eventually make the choice. That's when the story ends and the rest is unimportant.

I like this metaphor and I like the book.

Though, IMHO, the story really ends when you die. Everything before that is just choosing and walking through doors.

Sometimes we need to walk down one path awhile to figure out that the path is too scary or that it's not the one that we want; that's when we go back to find that the doors are either still open or have been locked from the other side. Sometimes others push us through one door or another.

I don't think that you have to look very hard to see both you and your W on this same journey. Your W is knocking but it's up to you whether you can forgive her and unlock one of those doors.

I suspect that she learned something while walking on her path and it could be guilt, fear or desire that brought her back. I don't know which it was and frankly I'm betting she doesn't either; it's probably all of them.

But from what you've said so far, you two haven't really talked about it together yet because you are just so angry. You haven't yet figured out whether she's more beast than beauty; she is both. And that beautiful new wife probably is too, you just might be better prepared for it next time around.

It doesn't matter which door you choose, you're in for hurt that is going to last years.

Thanks for sharing. Good luck and best wishes.


----------



## Blindasabat

Good luck Lascarx, what a shock that she showed up here ,I hope that doesn't happen to me egads!wish you and the kids all the best! stay strong come back if you can and let us know how you are doing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

TCx said:


> Sometimes we need to walk down one path awhile to figure out that the path is too scary or that it's not the one that we want; that's when we go back to find that the doors are either still open or have been locked from the other side. Sometimes others push us through one door or another.



This makes no sense here. The wife knew, should have or ought to have known, that the path was wrong even before taking it, and those that travel the infidelity path can't expect to return.


----------



## Almostrecovered

lascarx wouldn't like the Schrodinger's cat theory


----------



## mr.miketastic

Almostrecovered said:


> lascarx wouldn't like the Schrodinger's cat theory


Like Heisenberg, I'm uncertain ^^^^ Lol


----------



## TCx

mr.miketastic said:


> Like Heisenberg, I'm uncertain ^^^^ Lol


Awesome!


----------



## joe kidd

lordmayhem said:


> Did you think about your love for your husband while you were riding your boyfriend? I don't think so.


Man that hits close to home. Spot on though. Spot on.


----------



## Darth Vader

waiting for you said:


> S,
> 
> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?
> 
> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.
> 
> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.
> 
> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> 
> I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts. But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.
> 
> I love you so very much and I am so sorry.
> 
> A.


lascarx: Don't fall for her cheap and pathetic tricks, if she's cheated once, she'll cheat again! No consequences for her actions means no motivation for change!


----------



## oldmittens

Are you hanging in there any updates???


----------



## aug

He went silent after someone posted claiming to be his wife. Looks like it may be his wife who we can assume is monitoring this thread. He should use this knowledge of his wife's monitoring to his advantage.

I agree with others, she does have way with words. He'll need all his strength not to fall and be manipulated by the words.


----------



## morituri

Beautiful words are meaningless. She doesn't have an idea of the damage she has caused and how long it will take for him to recover from it. Nevertheless, I hope that she takes this experience to realize that if you are unhappy in a marriage and you've done all the you can, that the only honorable way to move on is to divorce.


----------



## Complexity

lordmayhem said:


> Did you think about your love for your husband while you were riding your boyfriend? I don't think so. Too bad you didn't love him enough to not cheat on him the way you did. Screwing another man for a year? How could ANYONE believe what you say? You're only sorry you got caught and are now facing the consequences.


Exactly, a year an entire YEAR!!!!!!??????

"You are my blue sky" sheesh give me a break!


----------



## lascarx

I did always tell her she could write pretty enough to do a romance novel, if she were so inclined. Didn't expect she'd take that as me telling her to go live one. But I do admit that I tend to mumble.


----------



## Complexity

any update lascarx


----------



## lascarx

Divorce on the way. She's free to keep on trying to find a button to push, but she hasn't found one yet. It continues to be a learning experience for all.

Mama-in-law (who I hope is reading this, but with those nasty fake Catwoman fingernails, I don't think she can type too well) is tearing her blue-rinsed hair out at the way this all has turned. Cheap thrill but still thrilling, I say. I know my folks think I should buckle but they don't dare say it, so no strife there.


----------



## StrangerThanFiction

Thanks for giving an update Lascarx, i've been curious to hear how things are going. good luck.

For some reason your description of your mother-in-law reminds me of the domineering mother-in-law Marietta from David Lynch's Wild at Heart.


----------



## TDSC60

MIL is upset because your STBXW is not with OM?

Sounds like she is still to get you back.

Just like you - if I found out my wife was scr*wing it would be the end of the marriage.

Sorry you are in this mess but it looks like the plan is working.

Good luck


----------



## lascarx

Mama-in-law can't domineer anything, she puts too much custom on being ladylike. She's one heck of a sneak though. She's one of those women you'd swear must have scales on her belly.

I think she's upset because daughter is putting so much effort into getting me back and I'm just taking my time. The doctor has made a fool of himself in more ways than one and is out of the running, but it irks mama-in-law something awful that I'm not just falling over myself with relief and joy at having a second chance at life with her precious daughter.


----------



## Darth Vader

aug said:


> He went silent after someone posted claiming to be his wife. Looks like it may be his wife who we can assume is monitoring this thread. He should use this knowledge of his wife's monitoring to his advantage.
> 
> I agree with others, she does have way with words. He'll need all his strength not to fall and be manipulated by the words.


Nah, it's just another way to blow **** into peoples faces and sound good while doing it!


----------



## Chaparral

lascarx said:


> Mama-in-law can't domineer anything, she puts too much custom on being ladylike. She's one heck of a sneak though. She's one of those women you'd swear must have scales on her belly.
> 
> I think she's upset because daughter is putting so much effort into getting me back and I'm just taking my time. The doctor has made a fool of himself in more ways than one and is out of the running, but it irks mama-in-law something awful that I'm not just falling over myself with relief and joy at having a second chance at life with her precious daughter.


What did the doctor do?


----------



## Darth Vader

joe kidd said:


> Man that hits close to home. Spot on though. Spot on.


To think, he used my line! I would've said that, with more grapical detail as well!


----------



## Darth Vader

Complexity said:


> Exactly, a year an entire YEAR!!!!!!??????
> 
> "You are my blue sky" sheesh give me a break!


And to think, women are always complaining about men's pickup lines! That's a line if I ever heard of one!


----------



## Shaggy

To summarize so far:

You found out she was cheating with dr. Douche. You kicked her out. She went to him. He had a coupe of free rolls again with her, decided he could do way better than her.

So cheating wife got dumped by dr.douche who was happy to sweat talk her and sleep with her but didn't want to be stuck with a cheating piece of trash and kicked her out huh?, 

Then she rolled back and is trying with her mother, lizardsaurous to get you to take her back and forget what a lying cheating xxxxxx she has turned out be.

Did I miss anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Darth Vader

StrangerThanFiction said:


> Thanks for giving an update Lascarx, i've been curious to hear how things are going. good luck.
> 
> For some reason your description of your mother-in-law reminds me of the domineering mother-in-law Marietta from David Lynch's Wild at Heart.


I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho! Norman! Get me some iced tea!

"You are my blue sky"? What the HELL is that ****?

Seriously man, You need to lose the psycho's, before you become like them! SCARY!


----------



## TDSC60

*I finally went to him* because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.

Is she claiming that she only climbed in bed with him AFTER you showed her the door? 

Is she still at his place while trying to get back with you? Some nerve. 

I'll bet her family just can not understand how you could not forgive her for betraying her marriage vows, lying to you for over a year, climbing into bed with another man while totally forgetting her husband and children. What kind of person could hold these little hick-ups against his wife and not forgive.

Oh yeah - a person who believed his vows and expected her to also. A person who conducts himself with honor and integrity and expected the same in return.

Stay the course.


----------



## Darth Vader

To be, or not to be.......

No, that's not right. AH!

To be Divorced or not to be Divorced, THAT is the question!


----------



## lascarx

Have to give her credit for one thing, turns out her story is true. She did go to her beau but split on him the same day. Don't know if there was a farewell bit of loving but I don't care, as far as I'm concerned she punched her ticket with me when she started up with him way back when. Everything else is frosting on the turd.

The doctor took to drink, I've told that story elsewhere. Showed up to work drunk. That's not good in the medical profession. Mama-in-law (how'd you all know she's named Lizardsaurus, by the way?) was properly scandalized, she doesn't know up from down or which way the world spins any more. I wrote the wife that if anyone needed proof that she was a cold piece of work, don't look at me, look at the doctor. Haven't gotten an answer to that one yet.

One thing I have to say in her defense is that she never brings up any nonsense about affair fogs or mid-life jitters. She knows as well as I do that things like that are immature horsepucky for adults who don't want to face facts. You did what you did and then you own that as part of the real you. We're both in agreement that if you're out there running around with some Mrs. Hyde part of your brain pulling your strings, you belong in the funny farm.

I said before that I might take her back. Anything's possible. But she has to convince me first that I was at least a bit to blame... when I mess something up, I own it and make amends. We're not there yet. She may never get there. But I do admit that she does have a way with argument sometimes.


----------



## Chaparral

lascarx said:


> Have to give her credit for one thing, turns out her story is true. She did go to her beau but split on him the same day. Don't know if there was a farewell bit of loving but I don't care, as far as I'm concerned she punched her ticket with me when she started up with him way back when. Everything else is frosting on the turd.
> 
> The doctor took to drink, I've told that story elsewhere. Showed up to work drunk. That's not good in the medical profession. Mama-in-law (how'd you all know she's named Lizardsaurus, by the way?) was properly scandalized, she doesn't know up from down or which way the world spins any more. I wrote the wife that if anyone needed proof that she was a cold piece of work, don't look at me, look at the doctor. Haven't gotten an answer to that one yet.
> 
> One thing I have to say in her defense is that she never brings up any nonsense about affair fogs or mid-life jitters. She knows as well as I do that things like that are immature horsepucky for adults who don't want to face facts. You did what you did and then you own that as part of the real you. We're both in agreement that if you're out there running around with some Mrs. Hyde part of your brain pulling your strings, you belong in the funny farm.
> 
> I said before that I might take her back. Anything's possible. But she has to convince me first that I was at least a bit to blame... when I mess something up, I own it and make amends. We're not there yet. She may never get there. But I do admit that she does have a way with argument sometimes.


She sounds like quite a catch..............except for the doctor part. Nice to see his chickens have come home to roost.

How do you rate her on being a mother..... besides the doctor part of course?


----------



## Initfortheduration

Oh yeah, she is a good writer. And a better manipulator. The BS she is shoveling is noteworthy. "I didn't love you when we married, but then I learned to love you. Then I learned to cheat, lie, deceive, and not get caught skrewing the doctor. But I got caught. It was probably a sub conscious thing, because I didn't really want to cheat on you. OK, I did really want to cheat, but now I understand where my head is at, and so if I write real well. And can convince you that the year spent heals up under the good doctor, meant absolutely nothing to me. You do believe me.....right?"


----------



## lascarx

chapparal said:


> She sounds like quite a catch..............except for the doctor part. Nice to see his chickens have come home to roost.
> 
> How do you rate her on being a mother..... besides the doctor part of course?


About the best I've ever seen. No complaints there.




Initfortheduration said:


> Oh yeah, she is a good writer. And a better manipulator. The BS she is shoveling is noteworthy. "I didn't love you when we married, but then I learned to love you. Then I learned to cheat, lie, deceive, and not get caught skrewing the doctor. But I got caught. It was probably a sub conscious thing, because I didn't really want to cheat on you. OK, I did really want to cheat, but now I understand where my head is at, and so if I write real well. And can convince you that the year spent heals up under the good doctor, meant absolutely nothing to me. You do believe me.....right?"


Almost there. Except she doesn't use the sub-conscious part.


----------



## Blindasabat

> I said before that I might take her back. Anything's possible. But she has to convince me first that I was at least a bit to blame... when I mess something up, I own it and make amends. We're not there yet. She may never get there. But I do admit that she does have a way with argument sometimes.


Seriously? (insert Tommy Lee Jones) The guy who invented floozy b gon? Your supposed to be the Rock of gibralta ultra alpha D guy! lol but its your life-anything is possible.
One thing I have learned here is the cheating is 100% her fault you are 50 % responsible for problems before cheating occurred but she owns the cheating. - you aren't at all to blame for
the incredibly stupid selfish decision she made to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lascarx

Yep, she's definitely got an uphill sack-race on this one. I can cook my own steaks and don't feel much like duty-sex these days, so the only chance she's got is to show she has a brain in her head that I might be partial to talking to for an extended period. Just got to be fair and let her try her best from afar.


----------



## aug

lascarx said:


> *I said before that I might take her back.* Anything's possible. But she has to convince me first that I was at least a bit to blame... when I mess something up, I own it and make amends. We're not there yet. She may never get there. But I do admit that she does have a way with argument sometimes.



Your posts appear to be headed in the reconcile direction.

If so, you may want to start thinking what she needs to do for you to be convinced that she's actually remorseful. 

You may want her to sign a favorable post-nup?


----------



## lascarx

No, it's holding pattern. Papers go forward though, it's one of those situations where a tangible sense of direction is needed.

Concerning remorse, I doubt we're ever going to get much beyond regret. But it's not my main concern. She'll either find a button to push or she won't. Contracts are for later.


----------



## spudster

Whatever you do Lascarx, you'll do it with your head screwed on straight. I admire you.


----------



## kenmoore14217

The power of accurate observation is often called *cynicism *by those who have not got it.


----------



## lascarx

kenmoore14217 said:


> The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who have not got it.


I like that one. I think I'll send it to her.


----------



## Chaparral

I have been in contact with Karnak and this is what he thinks.
lascarx and his wife are now like two peas in a pod. Over the years they have grown together and are deeply in love. Wife and maybe lascarx were not sure of this though. Wife took a sabbatical and screwed everything up except..........This is when they really figured out how much they really meant to each other, what their lives will be like with out each other, what their childrens lives will be without parents in love with each other. That they can't imagine finding someone even close to what they have.

Now lasarx and his wife are going to get together and be thankful for a second chance and make their life better than it otherwise could have been. They will be relieved that they haves stepped back from the edge of disaster. The kind of relief you get from avoiding a disaster such as a head on collision or a fall from great heights. The relief that life as you know it is not over.

lasarx and his wife are rare people and its rare that couples like this find each other. Now that they realize this they are going to make it the best thing ever. 

Their children are lucky to have such parents.


----------



## dymo

I think the assumption that lascarx and his wife will R is premature.

For one thing, one of lascarx's preconditions for R is that she convince him that he's somehow partly respnsible for the affair. If he has his head on straight, that will never happen. 

This will always be 100% her fault. She had other options. She could have left. She could have come to lascarx and tried to work through any problems they might have had. Instead, she did the worst thing she could possibly do for their marriage.

If lascarx accepts blame for the affair, it also sets a bad precedent for later. It means that if she ever has an affair again, she can blame lascarx.

The best she could do is take full responsibility for the affair, and hope that lascarx accepts responsibility for his share of any marriage problems. But would that be enough for him to take her back? Only time will tell.


----------



## spudster

From Dymo:

"If lascarx accepts blame for the affair, it also sets a bad precedent for later. It means that if she ever has an affair again, she can blame lascarx."

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
My thoughts exactly.


----------



## lascarx

chapparal said:


> lasarx and his wife are rare people and its rare that couples like this find each other. Now that they realize this they are going to make it the best thing ever.
> 
> Their children are lucky to have such parents.


Does your wife know you watch so many chick movies? Just kidding, of course.

About the only things we can agree on so far are that she did it of her own free will, all the way up until the end, and that her getting out of my sight was the best thing for us both. Solitude sharpens the mind, and whiny people who are offered a shoulder to whine on, will use it. She is truly ashamed of her little begging-and-groveling performance after d-day and I do have to say that I credit that.

What keeps us corresponding is that we're both on the same page about not talking Svengali-dopamine nonsense or how-often-did-you-bring-me-flowers. So you have your commonalities and you go with them until you get bored. And of course, without progress, boredom will be inevitable.



spudster said:


> From Dymo:
> 
> "If lascarx accepts blame for the affair, it also sets a bad precedent for later. It means that if she ever has an affair again, she can blame lascarx."
> 
> My thoughts exactly.


Actually, I wouldn't care who she blamed, because if we did get back together, and she had another affair, I would blame myself and myself only for being dumb enough to fall for it twice.

The main issue remains that I just might be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if she said it was fish for supper, but I'd want to see the package rather than take her word on what kind of fish. Maybe I didn't make it clear, it's not really about the affair. I want to know what I did that had any part in making her into a liar.


----------



## Meatpuppet

I just spent an hour reading this thread, and wow. It really almost has literary merit to it (both spouses can turn a phrase, the WW appearing in the 3rd act was the clincher). 

Lasc, you are a paragon to all penis-equipped members of the human race. Whatever you decide to do, everyone here knows you had your balls firmly in hand from the get-go, and that's extremely admirable. 

For me, this thread is a case-in-point for how to handle an WW from a man's perspective. I'm looking forward to a resolution, whatever it may be. 

Godspeed, Lasc, and keep us posted!


----------



## warlock07

Just read the wife post again


> It's ironic that we are communicating here, isn't it? How did you find this place? You, who always wondered why anyone would be interested in "type-chattering their lives away," spending your hours here. Doesn't that tell you something? About how you hurt inside and can't say it to anyone you know, so you find people you don't know?



re-emphasizing how much he needs her. belittling/condescending




> When you're writing in anger, did you ever realize that you're just as funny as when you're talking in anger? Just as bombastic and florid. Termite inspectors and body snatchers indeed! The only thing you don't have is me to start giggling and put my arms around you to calm you down.


sweet talking/pandering to your ego



> But I need to say something to you and I know if I write it here, you can't discard it.


Don't know what this means.




> I finally went to him because you had gathered all of your great strength in a way that I had never seen before and used it all to harden your heart. I was bereft and thought* I needed someone who wanted me because I had no hope. I prayed in that moment that I might someday forget you and want him. But I could not, would not ever want him and I could not stay with him. I will never see him again.
> *


*

She left him because she did not want him long term or out of love for OP? 




I have done an awful, an unpardonable thing and I know it. I know why I did it and I will tell you if you let me. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, although I hope you will some day. I know it may never be the same and you may always have doubts.

Click to expand...

Well,did she?




But you will always be my sun, my blue sky, the center of my life. Please let just a little ray shine on me, just for today, to see if you can bear it? And if you can bear it, there can then be tomorrow.

Click to expand...

Vomit:lol:





I love you so very much and I am so sorry.

Click to expand...

ok

Am I taking the insults too far? But I find the message duplicitous and dishonest.*


----------



## lascarx

warlock07 said:


> Am I taking the insults too far? But I find the message duplicitous and dishonest.


She's duplicitous and dishonest by nature, but I think most of the message is on the mark. She's a liar, but not a compulsive one.



warlock07 said:


> Well,did she?


Yes she did, at least far enough to be to my satisfaction. It's in my other thread if you want to see it.




Meatpuppet said:


> I just spent an hour reading this thread, and wow. It really almost has literary merit to it (both spouses can turn a phrase, the WW appearing in the 3rd act was the clincher).
> 
> Lasc, you are a paragon to all penis-equipped members of the human race. Whatever you decide to do, everyone here knows you had your balls firmly in hand from the get-go, and that's extremely admirable.
> 
> For me, this thread is a case-in-point for how to handle an WW from a man's perspective. I'm looking forward to a resolution, whatever it may be.
> 
> Godspeed, Lasc, and keep us posted!


Well, I think women should also be decisive in giving a liar husband what he really deserves, so I see it more as a genital-neutral sentiment. Thanks though, it's good to see that some appreciate the notion that you come first, the marriage comes a weak second if at all. If you fold, you can only lose.


----------



## spudster

When I joined up with the Marines in '87 they sent me to the RTD in San Diego. They had an obstacle course there that we had to get through and it had this one horrible obsticle that I still have nightmares about. It was a pit about thirty yards long and maybe ten yards wide. It was about a foot deep filled with foul water, and suspended a foot or so over the top of the water was a net of razor wire. While we were doing PT in the morning we would watch the cooks come out of the mess hall and dump vegetable scraps into the water. The vegetation would rot and turn the whole pit into a sort of vegetable cess pool. Then our Gunny would make us put on our full battle gear and we would have to crawl from one end of the pit to the other on our backs with our M-16 s held above us to keep them out of the water. Raise your knees to high and you'd snag on the RW. The putrid water would get in your mouth, eyes, ears and by the time you got to the other end you were shaking and vomiting. They rewarded us by spraying us down with fire hoses. 

We called it the "puke pit". I don't know if its still there or if they still do it that way. The Marines have gotten so PC now they probably got rid of it.

Not trying to belabor this, but I think lascarx should create a "puke pit" of sorts for his wife to crawl through to prove to him she is willing to do whatever it takes to win him back. This woman needs to be held accountable for the pain she has put her family through. Every lie and dirty deed needs to be brought to the surface and exposed to the light. She also has to be fully cognizant that she is no longer in control of the game... lascarx is. Tough love is the name of of the game here, the toughest that lascarx can muster. 

Semper fi.


----------



## lascarx

If it were only that easy.

I like the idea, but I have no clue as to what to put into the pit.


----------



## spudster

Accountability is the pit, transparency is the water. Threat of immediate, nasty laywer-warfare divorce is the razor wire. Make the pit as long as you like: set the timelines you want to set and stick to them. She lives like a nun. She gets no priveleges, no slack, no trust unless she has earned it.

Or... If you don't want to work that hard being her warden, go through with a no-fault and let her go pronto. I guess it depends on how much effort you want to put into this and wether or not you feel the end result will be worth it.


----------



## lascarx

spudster said:


> no trust unless she has earned it.


There's your problem. I have no idea as to how I could ever trust her again. I have no doubt that she has enough determination to do such as might earn another man's trust back ten times over. But not mine. 

Right now she could tell me that it was raining outside and I'd still think I'd do well to go to the window and have me a look-see for myself. I'm not kidding.


----------



## Darth Vader

lascarx said:


> There's your problem. I have no idea as to how I could ever trust her again. I have no doubt that she has enough determination to do such as might earn another man's trust back ten times over. But not mine.
> 
> *Right now she could tell me that it was raining outside and I'd still think I'd do well to go to the window and have me a look-see for myself. I'm not kidding.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> This is not uncommon for the BS, you can't believe _anything_ their spouse says, why? Because their lips are moving!


----------



## Chaparral

lascarx said:


> There's your problem. I have no idea as to how I could ever trust her again. I have no doubt that she has enough determination to do such as might earn another man's trust back ten times over. But not mine.
> 
> Right now she could tell me that it was raining outside and I'd still think I'd do well to go to the window and have me a look-see for myself. I'm not kidding.


Ok, here's the deal, and maybe its because I had it happen to me early, but any person that completely trusts their spouse is in a fantasy. The problem isn't that you can't trust her now, its that you ever trusted her in the first place.

Can you say that, looking back on it, there weren 't any red flags that you missed before and during the affair? A spouse has to be constantly on guard. Even animals that mate for life cheat on each other. Does that make it right? No

The fact is 70% of women and 75% of men admit they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. Of course, women always come out better in these statistics but I think they are really dead even. For example, more men cheat by about 10% to 15%more than women. Logically they have to be cheating with women. If the stats are right, more men are cheating with fewer women. That would mean that the women that are cheating are cheating with more partners than men who cheat. I doubt it. I believe the stats are probaly dead even and women are simply more likely to lie than men.(who are probably bragging too.)

Now for the 70% of women. You have to figure they were sober when polled. If you add alcohol or some other high, what happens to that statistic. 70% starts to look more like 80 to 90%. Like the old joke goes "Would you do me for a million dollars?" Getting closer to 100%.

From what I have seen, and I have been around a while now,
there is only one thing you can do, stay alert be vigilant, watch out for obvious trouble spots(ie overnight travel, GNO, BNO, etc. I mean hell, I knew a newlywed that went heels up in a disco parking lot with a dude that didn't even know she had gotten married. Do you think she headed out to get drunk and drop her pants? I don't think so but it would not have happened if her husband had been taking care of business. There is nothing close to a guarantee.

Didn't mean to ramble on. You have a lot on your plate and I, for one, am praying for you and your family and hope whatever decision you come up with works best for everyone. It may just be ,however, that a bird in the hand is worth all the other birds out there.


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## TDSC60

I understand where lascarx is coming from.

I too place a high value on honesty. I always give people the benefit of a doubt. But if I find out someone has intentionally lied to me, then I will never have total trust in that person again.

In lascarx's case the one person in the world who had his trust betrayed him and lied about it time and time again. Trust is gone, dead and is not coming back.

Now I am not so totally naive to believe that there are people who never, ever, under any circumstances, tell a lie. Hell I have lied or at least avoided an honest answer to questions like:"Hon, do these pants make my butt look bigger?" or "How do you like my new hair style?" 

How can you be with someone who has proved that they cannot be trusted?

This may be too cut and dried, or too rigid for some, but that's just me.


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## RWB

After being Lied To, Cheated On, and Played for a Fool for years on end... I have learned only One Truth... Trust No One, Ever and Again...

"Love all, trust few." - William Shakespeare

"I trust no one, not even myself." - Joseph Stalin

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you".- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Trust no one, tell your secrets to nobody and no one will ever betray you." - Bigvai Volcy

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's." - Billy Wilder


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## spudster

Lascarx,

Has your family on your side come around to your way of thinking on the she-pig? I know it was really rough on you in the beginning when they turned on you like a pack of hyenas. What is their attitude now?

I was thinking about you when was out doing my four-mile walk tonight, and I'm worried the STBXW might be wearing you down. Whatever you do brother, don't give in to her venom. The more I think about it, the more I lean towards hoping you'll flush her. 

Are you an outdoorsman, a hunter? I hunt and fish, and whenever I'm feeling down and put-upon I toss the cell phone in the closet and go up to the mountains and hang out in the forest for four or five days. It recharges my batteries and I always come back home in a better state of mind. You should drop the kids off with the relatives and go on a vision quest. Get out from under all that weight. It'll do you good.


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## lascarx

> Ok, here's the deal, and maybe its because I had it happen to me early, but any person that completely trusts their spouse is in a fantasy. The problem isn't that you can't trust her now, its that you ever trusted her in the first place.
> 
> Can you say that, looking back on it, there weren 't any red flags that you missed before and during the affair? A spouse has to be constantly on guard. Even animals that mate for life cheat on each other. Does that make it right? No





> I understand where lascarx is coming from.
> 
> I too place a high value on honesty. I always give people the benefit of a doubt. But if I find out someone has intentionally lied to me, then I will never have total trust in that person again.



The actuality is neither completely one nor the other.

I'm willing to credit her never having another affair. But once you start lying, you don't stop. It's a slide into the pit. What cost two dollars, you start saying cost one. If you're sad and it's easier to say you're happy, you say you're happy, and vice versa. It's a drag on the constitution to live with someone who has gotten into the habit of lying, who has broken through the moral barrier that keeps you telling the truth, who has lost all control over the impulse to pick the easy way out. Being secure in your deed to your wife's crotch doesn't anywhere near make up for that.



> The fact is 70% of women and 75% of men admit they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. Of course, women always come out better in these statistics but I think they are really dead even. For example, more men cheat by about 10% to 15%more than women. Logically they have to be cheating with women. If the stats are right, more men are cheating with fewer women. That would mean that the women that are cheating are cheating with more partners than men who cheat. I doubt it. I believe the stats are probaly dead even and women are simply more likely to lie than men.(who are probably bragging too.)


But would they cheat if the rules were made clear: you don't get caught, but you do understand that your spouse gets the same shot and you'll never know one way or the other, just like she won't know about you? I think those responses would change drastically upon true reflection of what smashing the institution might mean.




> I mean hell, I knew a newlywed that went heels up in a disco parking lot with a dude that didn't even know she had gotten married. Do you think she headed out to get drunk and drop her pants? I don't think so but it would not have happened if her husband had been taking care of business.


I guess we're going to see that one differently. She shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, that woman was still a dumb teenager in her soul if not in years. What business do you think her husband should have been taking care of? I assume he thought he was marrying an adult.



> It may just be ,however, that a bird in the hand is worth all the other birds out there.


I still listen well enough. Fat lady hasn't hit the high note yet. Thanks for your kind thoughts.


----------



## turnera

When I started dating my husband 35 years ago, I told him that if he ever cheated on me, he'd never see me again. One strike policy. Then, when we had our child, I reiterated and said you'd also never see your child. (he didn't know that was legally unlikely, but hey)

I asked him recently why he never cheated, and he said that what I told him stuck with him and has always guided him.

In other words, I respected him and gave him the opportunity to make his own choices...knowing what the consequence would be. You can't spend your life monitoring your spouse. 

My DD21 has a boyfriend this year. He's super worried about her cheating, and has told her who she can or can't see without him. She was starting to do the same thing with him, and her dad and I gave her this very speech last night. She said all her friends told her to tell him who he could or couldn't see, and I walked her through the logic of that That she didn't like it when he told HER who she could talk to, so why would she do the same thing to him? It's all about respect and consequences.


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## lascarx

spudster said:


> Lascarx,
> 
> Has your family on your side come around to your way of thinking on the she-pig? I know it was really rough on you in the beginning when they turned on you like a pack of hyenas. What is their attitude now?


Don't know as I'm ready to label her a she-pig yet. Pigs are warm-blooded, and in her case, of that I am not yet at all certain.

My family knows now to stay out of my business and let me handle my own affairs, no pun intended. We've restored contact but they stay away from the topic. Since my folks are the ones who shuttle the kids back-and-forth, I assume they get all they need to know from the wife.



> I was thinking about you when was out doing my four-mile walk tonight, and I'm worried the STBXW might be wearing you down. Whatever you do brother, don't give in to her venom. The more I think about it, the more I lean towards hoping you'll flush her.


She can take her best shot, I'm really not losing any sleep over it. But thanks for your concern. Will I flush her? She either waits for me or quits, so that gives me plenty of time to think her over.



> You should drop the kids off with the relatives and go on a vision quest. Get out from under all that weight. It'll do you good.


Good suggestion, and I've thought about doing some hunting lately, but best to save up the vacation time for the divorce, I'm afraid.


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## MEM2020

COguy,
I am curious - your post below was written at the end of 2011. Do you still see this situation the same way?

MEM




COguy said:


> I believe her. I'm not judging either person but OP sounds pretty bitter and harsh. I can see her wanting to reconcile, getting the anger, and then feeling forced into going back to the OM.
> 
> Not trying to be judgemental to the OP, she betrayed him for over a year. But it's pretty clear he's not willing to reconcile, so what does he expect his partner to do?
> 
> And to answer you Wannabe, hurting people do crazy things, you can't expect rational decisions from someone in an affair. It's like an addiction. Why would anyone throw away their lives for another pill, or crack rock, or bottle of vodka? Yet thousands do it every day.......


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## carpenoctem

*Lascar:

Namaste.*

There’s a striking honey badger quality about you.

A steely resoluteness that I find quite admirable (whether you D or R, that decision will not dilute this personality trait in you). 

As your name (LascarX) suggests, some kind of an X (factor). Not very common in today’s uncertain times.

I thought I must tell you.


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## COguy

MEM11363 said:


> COguy,
> I am curious - your post below was written at the end of 2011. Do you still see this situation the same way?
> 
> MEM


Yeah. Feel the same. I never disparaged men who got bitter and angry at the cheating but that's not where my heart was at. I would say the biggest change for me is that I have more skepticism for reconciliation and empathize more with the anger than forgiveness. But I'm extremely bitter and jaded now so I'm clearly biased.


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## lascarx

Strange, all the cards and the way they get dealt. I don't think I'm angry at all anymore. I can have a lunch with her now and again and we can talk about the kids' schedules, selling the house, getting things done and finished and put behind us. 

Of course with kids, you can't walk away completely, but it hasn't been too hard getting what we can put to rest.


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## TDSC60

lascarx said:


> Strange, all the cards and the way they get dealt. I don't think I'm angry at all anymore. I can have a lunch with her now and again and we can talk about the kids' schedules, selling the house, getting things done and finished and put behind us.
> 
> Of course with kids, you can't walk away completely, but it hasn't been too hard getting what we can put to rest.


Good news. Keep it going.


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## lascarx

TDSC60 said:


> Good news. Keep it going.


Wouldn't be anything else to do anyway. Can't complain.


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## lascarx

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> A steely resoluteness that I find quite admirable.


I think you got the wrong impression. The whole thing has put me through the wringer pretty bad. The balance is that what I thought were the best times of my life were all based on something that wasn't so, and that still gives me a twinge now and again.

What I didn't do was ever think that what she did or does reflects on what I'm made of. She does what she does because that's what she's made of. Doesn't have anything to do with me.


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## OldWolf57

Man, more ppl here need your strength.

Good Luck on that wonderful future you WILL have.


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## carpenoctem

lascarx said:


> *What I didn't do was ever think that what she did or does reflects on what I'm made of. She does what she does because that's what she's made of. Doesn't have anything to do with me*.



Salute.

I guess *that insight is equivalent to a Post-Graduate Degree in CWI* (though it came at such a premium)

Ah, *but life always teaches with a cane.*


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## lascarx

Life is too short to be spent in suffering and self-doubt, isn't it? You tip what doesn't work into the dumpster and you move on. Just don't ever do the same dumb thing twice, that's all I can say.


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## costa200

This board should have awards for people like lascarx. He is the archetype of a guy who doesn't compromise his own integrity for a cheating poor excuse for a human. Not even with all his family drinking the kool-aid. 

Hat's off to you lascarx, your threads should be pinned.


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## bandit.45

Bump for instructive reading. 

Lascarx was one if the great tragedies of TAM. He was a brilliant writer. Sadly, if you read his other thread, it ended with him being badly injured in a work accident. We never knew what happened to him and his WW never posted again after telling us of his injury.


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## JohnA

Hi @bandit.45 could you PM me a link to his wife's thread. I am banned from SI so I need a link to the thread as I cannot use the search function on that site.

Thanks


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## farsidejunky

SI has a search function?


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## JohnA

Somewhat. If you have a membership you can click on the name but that only shows the last fifty posts only unless you have a link to the thread. Note they do not offer the choice between posts and threads. It seems like rug sweeping to me.


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## Dyokemm

lmao.....good old lascarx.

Post #35.....my all time favorite on TAM.....

"...reaching for that big old can of Floozy-B-Gon."

Spit my coffee out all over my computer screen the first time I read that post.

Man did this guy have his stuff together from the get-go.


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## rockon

JohnA said:


> Hi @bandit.45 could you PM me a link to his wife's thread. I am banned from SI so I need a link to the thread as I cannot use the search function on that site.
> 
> Thanks


If it's not to much trouble, ditto also.


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## Chaparral

It's funny, I always thought his and his wife's unusual writing style was too identical. Got banned from SI because I asked his wife a question.


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## bandit.45

JohnA said:


> Hi @bandit.45 could you PM me a link to his wife's thread. I am banned from SI so I need a link to the thread as I cannot use the search function on that site.
> 
> Thanks


No I'm sorry. I don't even remember her SI name.


----------



## bandit.45

Dyokemm said:


> lmao.....good old lascarx.
> 
> Post #35.....my all time favorite on TAM.....
> 
> "...reaching for that big old can of Floozy-B-Gon."
> 
> Spit my coffee out all over my computer screen the first time I read that post.
> 
> Man did this guy have his stuff together from the get-go.


He was sort of like the Mark Twain of TAM. He was a superb writer for a guy with no "formal" education.


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## GusPolinski

I think this was the thread that prompted me to register over at SI.


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## bbad

As I read through this whole thread for the first time, it's pretty clear to me that he had softened his tone toward the end, e.g., he mentioned the chance to take her back, or she is the best mom he'd ever known. I think the first two paragraphs of his wife's response kinda struck him inside. 

I registered at SI but couldn't find the search button btw.


----------



## Tim Cook

What's his wife's SI name?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bmd_blt

His wife's SI name was "threw it away". There's no search function on SI, you can find some of her threads with google and that screen handle.

Her last thread (that I can find) says that he suffered a skull fracture on the job and was in an induced coma. There were no further updates after that.

I said a prayer for him and his children, although it happened years ago, now.:frown2:


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## bandit.45

Yeah it's tragic. He was a good soul. I hope he recovered and is doing well and comes back someday.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter

bandit.45 said:


> He was sort of like the Mark Twain of TAM. He was a superb writer for a guy with no "formal" education.


Right~~she taught him how to spell, if I recall correctly...


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## Joyfull

OMG, this was a great read. So much so that I had to know more. 

I Google "surviving infidelity threw it away" and WW archived threads popped up. 

There was a DDay2, she posted in profile. It was 1/26/12. She revealed multiple affairs. Poor lascarx. He is/was a heck of a guy. WW says so in her post.

I'm taking my lunch break. Just popped some popcorn and about to do some reading.

I'm hoping to hear great news about him and their kids.


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## bandit.45

Joyfull said:


> OMG, this was a great read. So much so that I had to know more.
> 
> I Google "surviving infidelity threw it away" and WW archived threads popped up.
> 
> There was a DDay2, she posted in profile. It was 1/26/12. She revealed multiple affairs. Poor lascarx. He is/was a heck of a guy. WW says so in her post.
> 
> I'm taking my lunch break. Just popped some popcorn and about to do some reading.
> 
> I'm hoping to hear great news about him and their kids.


Yeah. She was basically the town bicycle.


----------



## Secondguessing

> Yeah. She was basically the town bicycle.


I just spent the morning reading this thread and it ends like this, with alpha LascarX being the town cuckold. Its ironic and depressing and his sudden about-face reconciliation was a buzz kill. But I'm glad I read the thread for a two reasons.

1. I found out that I'm not the only one with a mom who presses her kids to stay with an adulterer. Just before I left my wife, my said "I'f YOU can't get over what she did, then you should divorce. Her tone made it clear that I was to blame for not getting over it.

2. This thread confirms that I made the right decision to divorce. I'm forever going back and forth in my mind about that decision.


----------



## EunuchMonk

Her posts are pure gold as far as narcissism is concerned:



> Earlier this week, I was telephoning with my older daughter. Something she said implied that her father had become a better cook and housekeeper than I was. I know it was all innocent, she was trying to reassure me that things were well at home, but I was uneasy.
> It took some time to recognize that I was full of resentment.
> 
> Later, during my counseling session, we went through my feelings at different times during my marriage and one thing that often came up was my irritation. I was irritated that he never asked for any help, never seemed to worry, exasperated at his always seeming to produce the needed life-skill regardless of situation or crisis. I had always thought that my irritation was good-natured and an expression of my pride in him, but I am starting to think -- starting to know -- that I really resented him in some way, and never wanted to think about it long enough to see it for what it was.
> 
> Today I was thinking -- for so long, I have told myself that I love him so dearly, but what if one of the "whys" is that I was envious of him and wanted to take him down a peg? I pray that this isn't true.


Another:


> I can't take it that lightly. I've lost him and that makes everything hurt intensely and often causes me to put everything in the worst possible light. I think it will be a long time before I finally am able to accept that these efforts will probably only be for myself and my children.
> 
> There are so many little resentments which I am opening up to recognizing now. All of them are ridiculous, but I feel them just the same. After his first discovery, he would not communicate with me and in less than two weeks, told me to leave. Even though he was completely in the right -- after all, I was still concealing much worse than he knew -- I still resented him for not showing the slightest bit of hurt or sadness, for making his decision so quickly; it all made me feel like I was worth nothing to him. Again, there is no reason why I should have been worth more than nothing to him, so it is really only self-pity in the end.
> 
> He destroyed anything he could find that had memories of us in it, burned my wedding dress and burned every picture of the two of us together, even the pictures from when our children were new-born. All those irreplaceable, precious things gone, and I resent him for it. But he was of course again in the right, he saw our life together as a deception and all those pictures as false witness.
> 
> I think there is a great deal more which I will have to work at before I can see these events through his eyes. I am not there yet.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

lascarx said:


> It doesn't have to be sexual infidelity. People will tell their spouses that they only stuck with their marriages for the sake of the kids, and always thought their spouses were unattractive bores and matrimonial mistakes the entire time that "lots of passion and lots of love" were going on. People lie and put on acts for the weirdest reasons and can be very good at it. And I'm sure that being on the receiving end of such a Manifesto Of Eternal Disgust is as devastating as being cheated on.


This guy was brilliant. Post number 62. The whole time he's talking about infidelity. About how the PAST changes when you find out. And I'm thinking: "he's talking about ME, and there was no infidelity". The betrayal I felt when I found out my wife hadn't loved me for YEARS. That she was disgusted with me.

Then, as if he's reading my mind...


----------



## bandit.45

TheRealMcCoy said:


> This guy was brilliant. Post number 62. The whole time he's talking about infidelity. About how the PAST changes when you find out. And I'm thinking: "he's talking about ME, and there was no infidelity". The betrayal I felt when I found out my wife hadn't loved me for YEARS. That she was disgusted with me.
> 
> Then, as if he's reading my mind...


Yes. He had a way of cutting through the murk and coming up with profound observations.


----------



## Joyfull

Secondguessing said:


> Its ironic and depressing and his sudden about-face reconciliation was a buzz kill.


They reconciled???????????


----------



## rockon

Secondguessing said:


> Just before I left my wife, my said "I'f YOU can't get over what she did, then you should divorce. Her tone made it clear that I was to blame for not getting over it.


We would have a very cold relationship from that point on. 

When I broke up with my ex fiancee for cheating I had a couple of what I thought were friends say to work through it and get over it. 

They are no longer my friends.

It *really* pissed me off to be told to "get over it".


----------



## bandit.45

Joyfull said:


> They reconciled???????????


I don't think so. I believe he was aiming toward divorce but trying to remai civil with his WW for their kids' sakes. 

Hopefully they were all his kids...


----------



## alte Dame

lascarx, shamwow, bff, and bandit45 (!) are among my favorite TAMers. It sounds ghoulish, I suppose, to use the word 'favorite,' when these threads are so full of heartache. I think what I mean is that I admire the intellects and spirit of these men & to say that I have these feelings for anonymous posters on the intertubes is something special imo.

I agree that lascarx was TAM's Mark Twain. Bandit is TAM's Will Rogers. Articulate men whose insight makes things a bit easier to handle.

aD


----------



## bandit.45

alte Dame said:


> lascarx, shamwow, bff, and bandit45 (!) are among my favorite TAMers. It sounds ghoulish, I suppose, to use the word 'favorite,' when these threads are so full of heartache. I think what I mean is that I admire the intellects and spirit of these men & to say that I have these feelings for anonymous posters on the intertubes is something special imo.
> 
> I agree that lascarx was TAM's Mark Twain. Bandit is TAM's Will Rogers. Articulate men whose insight makes things a bit easier to handle.
> 
> aD


Wow. Thank you.


----------



## alte Dame

@bandit.45, the fact that you know who Will Rogers was makes my point for me .


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## bandit.45

alte Dame said:


> @bandit.45, the fact that you know who Will Rogers was makes my point for me .


_*"There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves." *_


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## Shifter1

Just read this whole tread in one go. Gosh what a story. Does anyone know what happened in the end? Did Lascarx recover?


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## rockon

Shifter1 said:


> Just read this whole tread in one go. Gosh what a story. Does anyone know what happened in the end? Did Lascarx recover?


Looking at his stats lascarx has not posted in almost 7 years. 

Would be nice to get an update but I don't think so.


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## farsidejunky

IIRC, @bandit.45 indicated at one point that he had passed away. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

.


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## MattMatt

You could send them a PM?


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## Chaparral

It was said he died in a work related accident and r seriously injured. His wife posted the on SI. I got banned from there for asking her a question. That was my first banning. 

There was also speculation that the thread was fake. However, there were news reports of the accident if I remember correctly.


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## alte Dame

I remember this pretty well. His W reported that he was in a serious work accident, which, it turns out, was also reported in their local papers. He was hospitalized, but didn't die. The posting ended with the accident.


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## bandit.45

His wife never came back and reported if he had passed away or not. Given that she just dropped off it is possible he did. 

Or it was all an elaborate troll hoax... If so he was the most entertaining troll I've ever come across, and an superb writer.


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## farsidejunky

bandit.45 said:


> His wife never came back and reported if he had passed away or not. Given that she just dropped off it is possible he did.
> 
> 
> 
> Or it was all an elaborate troll hoax... If so he was the most entertaining troll I've ever come across, and an superb writer.


Yup.

Floozie-B-Gone...lol.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium

Wow. That was quite a read. I never saw this thread before. And then to discover, near the end, that there is _another_ 40 page thread to read... which I haven't tackled yet.


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## Chaparral

bandit.45 said:


> His wife never came back and reported if he had passed away or not. Given that she just dropped off it is possible he did.
> 
> Or it was all an elaborate troll hoax... If so he was the most entertaining troll I've ever come across, and an superb writer.


I had my doubts after reading her comments. They both had a very quirky way of writing that seemed to similar.


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## bandit.45

Chaparral said:


> I had my doubts after reading her comments. They both had a very quirky way of writing that seemed to similar.


Yeah but even if we did get hoaxed, what a fun ride.


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## TBT

I* have not posted for a while because I don't think that I have been making any progress... I have pulled my life together, I am working, but I haven't been able to move on beyond what I've done or accept the loss of my marriage.

Something awful has happened. My husband was in a very severe work-related accident. He has a fractured skull and is still in an induced coma. He saved two of his co-workers' lives that day.

I blame myself often. He was working nights due to our separation and I remember hearing that when accidents happened, they always seemed to happen on the late shifts.

I talk to him and hold his hand and sometimes I think I feel his squeeze mine back, but I know that is impossible. I never really knew how precious life is, not until now. I try and remain strong for our childrens' sake, that is all I can do now.*

This was the last post she made. I posted on the thread actually. She had a few other threads as well. If I'm not wrong,the first time I saw him post was on SI as well. Without any real confirmation,I'd like to believe he made it through.


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## alte Dame

Every time I see that this thread has updated, I experience a tiny thrilling hope that lascarx is back to talk to us.

He was a great writer and had an attitude that was easy to love.

Does anybody remember Bullwinkle? Talk about troll. But, boy, was he fun.


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## wmn1

alte Dame said:


> Every time I see that this thread has updated, I experience a tiny thrilling hope that lascarx is back to talk to us.
> 
> He was a great writer and had an attitude that was easy to love.
> 
> Does anybody remember Bullwinkle? Talk about troll. But, boy, was he fun.


what was her name on SI ?


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## alte Dame

wmn1 said:


> what was her name on SI ?


Sorry, I wasn't on SI. Maybe @TBT knows. ??


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## TBT

wmn1 said:


> what was her name on SI ?





alte Dame said:


> Sorry, I wasn't on SI. Maybe @TBT knows. ??


https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=468474&AP=1

For other threads you can just google the name with the site name.


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## bandit.45

Bump. For those who never had the experience of reading a Lascarx thread.


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## sokillme

I almost put this in the HOF but it ends on such a down note I can't. Seems like the family pressure thing is a lot more common then one thinks.

What I also find interesting is that reading a post from 5 years ago before I ever got on this site people came to the same conclusions I did. 

I often feel like that all the advice could be boiled down to two or three paragraphs one by those who choose to R and one by those who don't. 

Anyway here is to @*lascarx *wherever you are. You are a great example still today 9 years later.


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## farsidejunky

If memory serves me, isn't "floozie-b-gone" somewhere in this thread?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Gabriel

Wow, he joined and posted this thread the same year I started my "journey". And I remember his name but not this thread. The writing is incredible, as is some of the anecdotes. The paragraph where he talks about his wife giving the 2 hour tour but there is a hidden staircase, should be a sticky for all to read. 

A shame what happened to him. Too many stories end that way.

It was also amazing to see all the "old guard" posters on the thread, many who helped me tremendously when I was at my worst times.


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## Kamstel2

TBT, 
Do you remember what her username was?
Thanks


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## PassThis

Threw It Away (in case TBT is away for a while).


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## Dyokemm

FarSideJunky......Yep

It’s in post #35


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## bygone

I wanted to commemorate this man, I saw his writings today, it was meaningful to read him.

I read his wife's posts on her si, she is the worst one in reality, her writings also describe her point of view well.

no update,

He explained very well how many people's lives were affected by marrying the wrong person, 

om became an alcoholic, her husband had a work accident, the personality development and current status of the children staying with their mothers should be determined.

I don't think she will change.


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