# Losing my mind



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Hello,
Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

What a blow.
It must be a wrench.


I would hazard a guess at informed objectivity being the way? That is he may be believing /behaving in a similar way to others and using convenient rose tinted /sh1t tinted glasses due to brain chemicals. Maybe he never loved you and never thought to say. I think you would know.
Maybe he loved you more than he loves her now.
There are probably a hundred times you can bring to mind that show it. I suspect you do lose a bit of your mind forever, a sort of bitter lost innocence.
Mid life legacy. Sorry you are here.

General advice here will probably be to do a volte face 180 degree turn from 'us' to 'me', to get exercise and daylight, to eat, to allow your feelings to come as they do, to concentrate on things that need your concentration. To be easy on yourself and build yourself up etc. Long days and nights that slowly turn to history. Keep Breathing and laugh when you can even if the humour is harsh?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

People who are cheating always do this. They think that the 'excitment' and 'lust' of an affair is real love therefore the love they have for their spouse can't have been real love. They also use it as an excuse to try and justify their cheating. 
What they don't seem to grasp is that this exciting new 'love' won't last as it is either and will settle down into the normal day to day love that married couples share. 

It's a horrible situation and to be honest it's unlikely that it's not become physical being that he is wanting to divorce you over it and presumably be with her?

Do you have children?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cheaters do and say anything to justify their actions.

The “I never was in love with you” seems to be a common theme.

Make sure you have a cut throat lawyer and take him for everything you can.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> People who are cheating always do this. They think that the 'excitment' and 'lust' of an affair is real love therefore the love they have for their spouse can't have been real love. They also use it as an excuse to try and justify their cheating.
> What they don't seem to grasp is that this exciting new 'love' won't last as it is either and will settle down into the normal day to day love that married couples share.
> 
> It's a horrible situation and to be honest it's unlikely that it's not become physical being that he is wanting to divorce you over it and presumably be with her?
> ...


No children. Thank God . I cant imagine how awful this would be with little ones. He says " I just want to be by myself, were just friends " lol


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is rewriting your marriage to fit the narrative of his new desired life.

That hot desire, that we initially feel, is fleeting, and it soon returns to some steady state warm.

Ah, but his desire (for you) soon turned cold, but it was he, that did not pay the heating bill.

He played the cheating chill.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People often rewrite their marital history to justify their actions. He may actually believe it. It’s possible it’s even true (some people marry for reasons other than love). It takes time — sometimes a lot of time — to come to terms with the end of a marriage. And it can’t be rushed but one day you'll realize that you think of him with indifference and at that point you’ll be done. In the meantime, this is all new to you so try to focus on you and not on him as much as possible. In the beginning, I considered it a win if I could go an entire minute without thinking of my situation. Sounds ridiculous now but at the time I was very proud of that because it was running in my brain every moment. It’s a process and it’s not quick, unfortunately.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I just read the rest of your post, that was harsh. I still say he is trying to rewrite history so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

Is the other couple divorcing, is the POSOW leaving her husband for yours?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Its a sad state of affairs, is there a trigger point that sent him down this road, death in the family, milestone age, new job, other stressor?

It doesn't really matter at this point, I feel sad for you, but you should give him what he wants and move on as best you can. I suspect he will come to regret his actions, as many in his situation do.

Hold your head up, and plenty of good advice here from others who have been through your situation


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


One. I don't believe him about not loving you. Not for a moment. Maybe he said that to hurt you, which he did. Good luck with the divorce. It won't be easy.But you will be better for it afterwards.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

ABHale said:


> I just read the rest of your post, that was harsh. I still say he is trying to rewrite history so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
> 
> Is the other couple divorcing, is the POSOW leaving her husband for yours?


She told my husband no they are going to work on their marriage, and he just "wants to be alone" lol so yeah pretty sure thats all BS


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> Its a sad state of affairs, is there a trigger point that sent him down this road, death in the family, milestone age, new job, other stressor?
> 
> It doesn't really matter at this point, I feel sad for you, but you should give him what he wants and move on as best you can. I suspect he will come to regret his actions, as many in his situation do.
> 
> Hold your head up, and plenty of good advice here from others who have been through your situation


I feel it was the death of his grandma a few years ago- and then thats when this woman started working with him. Thats when I noticed subtle changes but tried not to nag.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Openminded said:


> People often rewrite their marital history to justify their actions. He may actually believe it. It’s possible it’s even true (some people marry for reasons other than love). It takes time — sometimes a lot of time — to come to terms with the end of a marriage. And it can’t be rushed but one day you'll realize that you think of him with indifference and at that point you’ll be done. In the meantime, this is all new to you so try to focus on you and not on him as much as possible. In the beginning, I considered it a win if I could go an entire minute without thinking of my situation. Sounds ridiculous now but at the time I was very proud of that because it was running in my brain every moment. It’s a process and it’s not quick, unfortunately.


Idk what other reasons there would have been, we have no kids. We had no joint purchases until our house which was just bought last year. We lived in Nashville , he is from Michigan . He couldve gone home and that woulda been that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


You take him at his word and use that to sever any remaining emotional connection to him.

Also, EAs with co-workers are always PAs. They don’t all start that way, but by the time he’s ready to file for divorce, absolutely.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ldziesinski said:


> Idk what other reasons there would have been, we have no kids. We had no joint purchases until our house which was just bought last year. We lived in Nashville , he is from Michigan . He couldve gone home and that woulda been that.


He‘s the only one who can answer that (and he’s not going to) but people marry for all sorts of reasons. When cheating is involved, the truth is very hard to find.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> You take him at his word and use that to sever any remaining emotional connection to him.
> 
> Also, EAs with co-workers are always PAs. They don’t all start that way, but by the time he’s ready to file for divorce, absolutely.


Thats very hard to accept 10 years was a lie.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I feel it was the death of his grandma a few years ago- and then thats when this woman started working with him. Thats when I noticed subtle changes but tried not to nag.


These things can often trigger this sort of behaviour, faced with your own mortality, you can look at what you have and where you are and feel dissatisfied with life. Add an attractive and available coworker its more likely.

Please know though that this is all him, not you, were you perfect? Most likely not, but its nothing you did or didn't do. Its often a desire to reset the clock, do things right this time with this wonderful person that he doesn't really know. It's all a fantasy, but a powerful one, he will regret it when he realises he started a new relationship on the most shakey of foundations


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He‘s the only one who can answer that (and he’s not going to) but people marry for all sorts of reasons. When cheating is involved, the truth is very hard to find.


Yeah. Idk . Just wish I hadnt have been on this ride for 10 years. Sucks.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> Thats very hard to accept 10 years was a lie.


I understand that, and I’m not saying it was. (He might believe it, though.)

What I’m saying is that you use that barb as the catalyst that you need in order to detach from him.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He‘s the only one who can answer that (and he’s not going to) but people marry for all sorts of reasons. When cheating is involved, the truth is very hard to find.


One of his excuses was " maybe ive just never broken up with anyone before? " well your 30 years old figure it out before we hit 10 years good lord


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> No children. Thank God . I cant imagine how awful this would be with little ones. He says " I just want to be by myself, were just friends " lol


Well he is lying of course and he will always deny that their affair started before you split up/divorced.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well he is lying of course and he will always deny that their affair started before you split up/divorced.


Most definitely. I am so frustrated with his unwillingness to just admit it though. The woman did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> I feel it was the death of his grandma a few years ago- and then thats when this woman started working with him. Thats when I noticed subtle changes but tried not to nag.


We all loose parents and a grandmother isn't the same as a parent, so its hardly a reason to cheat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> Most definitely. I am so frustrated with his unwillingness to just admit it though. The woman did.


Ok so you have spoken to her? She has admitted they have cheated? Does he know this?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> We all loose parents and a grandmother isn't the same as a parent, so its hardly a reason to cheat.


Right. And if he felt like something wasnt working in the relationship, why not just communicate about it, to me. I just dont understand any of it.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Ok so you have spoken to her? She has admitted they have cheated? Does he know this?


She admitted to EA only. Said no physical. Yes I showed him the messages she sent me


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> She admitted to EA only. Said no physical. Yes I showed him the messages she sent me


Her husband is likely monitoring her comms, so she’s not going to admit to anything that he can’t prove.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> Right. And if he felt like something wasnt working in the relationship, why not just communicate about it, to me. I just dont understand any of it.


You’re trying to understand the mind of a wayward.

Stop that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> She admitted to EA only. Said no physical. Yes I showed him the messages she sent me


So she admits to it but he denies it. Hmmm. Of course if they had gone physical they would both deny it anyway. Does she know that she is breaking up your marriage? Is she married? Children?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ldziesinski said:


> Thats very hard to accept 10 years was a lie.


Denial will just keep you in limbo. It’s a self improvement state. Let him go. Zero contact is your best friend.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can never fix him. But you need to look out for yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ldziesinski said:


> Yeah. Idk . Just wish I hadnt have been on this ride for 10 years. Sucks.


I know. You’ve had your life turned upside down and it’s going to take awhile.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Were there other red flags during the 10 years?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So she admits to it but he denies it. Hmmm. Of course if they had gone physical they would both deny it anyway. Does she know that she is breaking up your marriage? Is she married? Children?


She does know and yes married with 2 small kids.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

re16 said:


> Were there other red flags during the 10 years?


If there was I didnt recognize them as one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> She does know and yes married with 2 small kids.


That's so sad. People are so very selfish. Does her husband know?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> That's so sad. People are so very selfish. Does her husband know?


Thanks to me, he does.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Denial will just keep you in limbo. It’s a self improvement state. Let him go. Zero contact is your best friend.


I dont even know if its denial. Its pure confusion. lol


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> He‘s the only one who can answer that (and he’s not going to) but people marry for all sorts of reasons. When cheating is involved, the truth is very hard to find.


The truth is very easy to see, ah, rather, not easy to prove.

Behind that shadow (of doubt); the one that the two offenders hid behind, while doing the deed, lies the truth.

The deed that was never written out and signed in loves dirty juices.

No, but the 'offal' smell lingers on. 

Behind are those memories, just played out and barely, not now, nakedly seen.
The cheating memories proudly dance in his head, and pound loudly in yours.

Make new memories, override, overwrite his that linger, that still sting, those traitorous ones.
Yes..

Find new love, make his nevermore, not needed.



_Nemesis-_


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> The truth is very easy to see, ah, rather, not easy to prove.
> 
> Behind that shadow (of doubt); the one that the two offenders hid behind, while doing the deed, lies the truth.
> 
> ...


Im sorry, I am really not in the mood for riddles about loves dirty juices right now.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?





Ldziesinski said:


> She does know and yes married with 2 small kids.


I think you said in a previous thread that she told you "this was kind of her thing". I guess she is a pro homewrecker. 

Your husband seems set on divorce. It is probably in your best interest to not try to resist it. To come back from this doesn't seem realistic. You are still young enough to start over if that is what you want to do. I know it is hard to get over what you perceive as a loss of the last 10 years. Just know he is only saying he never loved you to rationalize what he is doing and alleviate the guilt he is feeling. He is selfishly trying to make himself feel better and justified in what he is doing. He did love you, but stopped at some point when he fell in love with the OW. And even if it is true that he never loved you it doesn't mean your marriage was a lie, it means he is a liar and nothing else. 

Your best bet is to do a full 180 on him, do absolutely nothing for him. He deserves nothing from you. No need to be vindictive, but certainly no reason to be nice to him. You aren't friends and you should tell him straight up that once divorced there will be 0 contact with him ever again. The quicker you can mourn your marriage and start moving forward the better off you will be. Be strong, you will get through this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> She does know and yes married with 2 small kids.


Oh? How old are the kids? 🤔


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> She does know and yes married with 2 small kids.


Then she admitted to having feelings for another man, your, yet, husband.
So sad.

This will not bode well for her marriage, long term.

This will become that slow marital death spiral for the other woman.

How could it not be? Her husband is going to see her in another light.
For sure.

Cuts may heal, may knit, but the scars will be visible ....every time they are brought fresh to memories light.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I will now bow out, my words are fluff on a turd.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


I'd totally second what Openminded wrote in one of their replies to you. I'm about 4 months into my STBX moving out, me filing for divorce, finding out she was having an affair, etc. She told me that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, etc. It is easy to get lost in the why's and what if's in this kind of situation and you probably will go down that rabbit hole for weeks or months. Even if you intellectually know that the relationship ending is for the best, it is still a process when a long term relationship ends. You cared for that person and it takes time to get over them, even if they are a scumbag. I think anyone who tells you different is either emotionally stunted or lying to you. I guess my point is, accept that you are going to feel like you are going crazy for a while. The situation will play out in your mind, you won't sleep well, etc. But, as Openminded said, eventually you'll start to go minutes and then hours and then days without thinking about your ex or your situation and things will normalize and you'll accept that you are better off for this happening. It is a process, though, so don't beat yourself up if you have hard days.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> Thanks to me, he does.


Is he aware that your husband is ending your marriage for her?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh? How old are the kids? 🤔


3& 8


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Is he aware that your husband is ending your marriage for her?


That I do not know. Because my husband is staying strong to the just friends story lol


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I don't recall if you said this or not, but have you told or talk to the other husband? Does he really know what is going on?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I don't recall if you said this or not, but have you told or talk to the other husband? Does he really know what is going on?


I have talked to him and given him the update .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> I have talked to him and given him the update .


What was his reaction?


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> That I do not know. Because my husband is staying strong to the just friends story lol


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What was his reaction?


All I know is they are "working on their marriage"


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> All I know is they are "working on their marriage"


Tell her husband he might want to DNA his kids.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> All I know is they are "working on their marriage"


Does your husband know this? He may be expecting her to leave her husband for him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


He isn't capable of love, so don't take it that personally. Sorry you're going through this. There's no easy way. Just don't take it cuz of being you're the one who's defective. He's defective. He probably doesn't even know what love is. You'll probably be happier alone and likely to find someone better than him.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Tell her husband he might want to DNA his kids.


I thought the same, but they met after her last child was born


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, don't worry about whether it was physical/they were "just friends"/more bull ****.

Yoi are welcome to read my story if you want but I found inappropriate messages between my now ex and a trashy ex gf going back our entire relationship. There were no real smoking guns, but it was clearly inappropriate and he never mentioned me. He was portraying himself as a single guy to get whatever jollies he got.

She knew he was married but by leaving me out of the conversation he sent the message that I wasn't part of the equation.

So what happened when confronted? He lied, gaslighted, stone walled, changed his story based on what I could prove, and even admitted at one point that his first thought was "OMG what does she know".

Swore right to the end that it wasn't physical. But as I told him he had ZERO incentive to admit it if it was and he'd lied about everything else.

I never had proof thar it was physical but I realized that it didn't matter. I assume it was but even if it wasn't he was still a person who lacked integrity and couldn't be trusted.

I filed myself...he didn't want a divorce but I'm sure he would've continued with her and hidden it. I'm positive he was having her call him at work to hide it from me....she never showed up on our cell bill but he was on my phone plan for a year after the divorce and her number magically appeared constantly. I wasted 13 years on him and he lied right to the end.

So does it really matter what your ex admits? You know he's a liar who can't be trusted so what more do you need?

Don't waste any more time on him and cut all contact.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He isn't capable of love, so don't take it that personally. Sorry you're going through this. There's no easy way. Just don't take it cuz of being you're the one who's defective. He's defective. He probably doesn't even know what love is. You'll probably be happier alone and likely to find someone better than him.


I sure hope so


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Does your husband know this? He may be expecting her to leave her husband for him.


He is the One who told me lol


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

So sorry - my guess is that your marriage was a convenience to him - maybe he loved you enough, but not as fully as one needs to in order to sustain a marriage.

I wouldn't assume your marriage was a lie, or that he didn't love you - he probably just didn't love you to the level necessary. The affair was probably an exit affair. He wanted out - and this gave you a reason to accept it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> I sure hope so


Just look at his lack of empathy once he's done with you. Telling you he never loved you. There's no reason to be that cruel. A person with empathy would never find it necessary to say that to someone. He just literally doesn't have it in him. He's incomplete.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> He is the One who told me lol


Its all a bit confused isn't it. She is supposedly staying married but he seems to be wanting to end the marriage so he can be with her. Mind you he could be lying about them working on their marriage


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its all a bit confused isn't it. She is supposedly staying married but he seems to be wanting to end the marriage so he can be with her. Mind you he could be lying about them working on their marriage


True!


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> Thanks to me, he does.


Good work. You did the right thing in telling him.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just look at his lack of empathy once he's done with you. Telling you he never loved you. There's no reason to be that cruel. A person with empathy would never find it necessary to say that to someone. He just literally doesn't have it in him. He's incomplete.


I see our old marriage therapy for myself now,he diagnosed him as a narcissistic sociopath


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> So sorry - my guess is that your marriage was a convenience to him - maybe he loved you enough, but not as fully as one needs to in order to sustain a marriage.
> 
> I wouldn't assume your marriage was a lie, or that he didn't love you - he probably just didn't love you to the level necessary. The affair was probably an exit affair. He wanted out - and this gave you a reason to accept it.


That’s the sucky part. I think he did love me more than enough, but definitely doesn’t now


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> I see our old marriage therapy for myself now,he diagnosed him as a narcissistic sociopath


Yes I would say he is at least one or the other of those. Not all narcissists are completely lacking in empathy but many are. All sociopaths are defective and missing empathy. So all I can tell you here is try not to waste your time being broken hearted over this bad individual and let's hope you get to know someone long enough so they don't keep up the nice facade and fool you again in the future. The sociopath and narcissists can put up a long con to get what they want but underneath they are rotten.

I think it will help you stop wasting your emotions on him when you accept that you fell in love with who you hoped he was and through no fault of your own because that was one big con. So who you thought you loved never existed so you do not need to spend a bunch of time mourning him, and I'm sorry he wasted your time. Better things ahead.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Ldziesinski said:


> I thought the same, but they met after her last child was born


According to who? Believe none the cheater speak.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Ldziesinski said:


> That’s the sucky part. I think he did love me more than enough, but definitely doesn’t now


At this point, you've wasted enough of your time on this guy.  Don't waste any more.... set your sights on moving on as quickly as you can.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he really is a narcissistic sociopath as the therapist said then it’s very unlikely that he ever did truly love you because love to those people doesn’t mean what it does to “regular” people.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Please stop trying to figure your husband out and focus on yourself. Do not even talk to him about this-- he is PURPOSELY confusing you and deflecting from the actions he chose to take. 

You need to move on and hand him divorce papers. And then do not listen to whatever stories he tries to tell you. Do not discuss this with him, just move forward. Let her have the loser. Really.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> Thats very hard to accept 10 years was a lie.


He is in the affair fog. Start doing a hard 180 on him and ensure you have a good lawyer. This man is no longer your H he is your enemy. He had no problem throwing you under the bus, now act accordingly. I know you are in pain but get yourself an IC/counselling to work through the emotions. Reach out to your friends and family. Tell them what has happened, do not cover for him.
If he is a narcissistic sociopath, then he was never capable of loving anyone, let the OW have him and consider yourself lucky that you are not going to waste another few decades on someone who can never love you nor anyone.


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## pbwriter (Sep 14, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


For whatever reason he's trying to hurt you. It could be to justify his leaving you. I suspect tho was not just an emotional affair. His behavior is hurtful, unethical, and completly uncalled for. He could have left with dignity and grace, but he chose hateful. To keep your sanity, recognize the source and move on. In plan English, he's a jerk, and you have no need to internalize this hurt.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> Idk what other reasons there would have been, we have no kids. We had no joint purchases until our house which was just bought last year. We lived in Nashville , he is from Michigan . He couldve gone home and that woulda been that.


I knew you were a great one, we live in Bristol.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> Right. And if he felt like something wasnt working in the relationship, why not just communicate about it, to me. I just dont understand any of it.



Cheaters lie and blame shift, it is never their fault


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> I thought the same, but they met after her last child was born


So when you said this her MO you weren’t kidding. They haven’t been married long and already after your husband.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

He filed for divorce -- had to edit this. Missed it.. Divorce -- you win. The other lady probably isn't going anywhere. Not with two kids.

Your husband seems enamoured by the attention and sex they had. Probably the first time this kind of thing has happened to him.. Your boy is a beta and this has gone to his head. For one, he's talking love -- as in romantic courtly love. Plus his willingness to take on someone else's kids indicates the type of guy he is. 




Diana7 said:


> People who are cheating always do this. They think that the 'excitement and 'lust' of an affair is real love therefore the love they have for their spouse can't have been real love. They also use it as an excuse to try and justify their cheating.
> What they don't seem to grasp is that this exciting new 'love' won't last as it is either and will settle down into the normal day to day love that married couples share.


This kind of sums it up. The overall macro.



Ldziesinski said:


> maybe ive just never broken up with anyone before?


More evidence that he's a beta and thinking emotionally ensconced in romantic courtly love which the other lady doesn't give two cents about. 



Diana7 said:


> We all loose parents and a grandmother isn't the same as a parent, so its hardly a reason to cheat.


This is irrelevant.



Ldziesinski said:


> Right. And if he felt like something wasn't working in the relationship, why not just communicate about it, to me. I just don't understand any of it.


because feeling like a stud for the first time went to his head. It's all an illusion. Don't take him back. Leave this pretender out in the cold. Then you'll see his true nature....

Heavy odds that this isn't going to work out for him.. He's going to get smashed in divorce and witness the other lady's true colors which he isn't expecting due to his naivety. 

Hire your own lawyer and follow through. You seem like a decent lady -- don't take his crap.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Another thing.. What is the woman's motives? perhaps her husband isn't making enough money. perhaps she's not into the husband anymore and she wants to make a lateral move. I highly doubt its love. 

That's where your husband comes in. He could be playing the role of a chump -- especially considering her situation. Think about this -- they divorce and remarry. Now he's got two kids that aren't his to support. 

If this is your man, and you are only 30, trust me you can do a lot better. He's doing you a favor.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


Ohh, I remember your story. You just posted it not that long ago at all. He is lying and re-writing the history of your relationship to justify what he's doing. I've been here long enough to hear about this being done by many cheaters. HE filed for divorce?? That's pure comedy. 

You're worth so much more than this. Get this loser that called himself a 'husband' out of your life and move on with yours.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> Hello,
> Almost 3 weeks ago, I had suspicions confirmed about an emotional affair between my husband and his coworker. He has since filed for divorce. But in the meantime has made sure to tell me the entire 10 years we have been together he never loved me at all. How do you avoid losing your mind in a situation like this?


Are there stages for divorce? I ask that in all seriousness. The past few days I get texts almost every night wondering where im at, and last night because I was out, I was asked by my estranged husband if I was on a date. Is this normal banter


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

re16 said:


> According to who? Believe none the cheater speak.


Thats when she started at his job


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ldziesinski said:


> Are there stages for divorce? I ask that in all seriousness. The past few days I get texts almost every night wondering where im at, and last night because I was out, I was asked by my estranged husband if I was on a date. *Is this normal banter *


No. Your whereabouts are none of his business. Only talk/text about matters concerning the divorce Nothing personal as he has fired you as his wife. Don't respond to any texts unless they involve the divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, it’s normal that a scumbag cheater would be so incredibly selfish that they would worry that you might be moving on abd being with someone else—- even though they discarded you and are with someone else themselves.
YES they want you at home pining for them! That way, they have their security blanket (you) available, in case their affair partner doesn’t work out. And if it doesn’t, prepare for s couple of weeks of love bombing until they feel fairly secure you’re not going anywhere and are back under their spell, at which time they’ll treat you like **** snd start looking for another affair partner.

So yes, it’s normal (classic) cheater behavior.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ldziesinski said:


> Are there stages for divorce? I ask that in all seriousness. The past few days I get texts almost every night wondering where im at, and last night because I was out, I was asked by my estranged husband if I was on a date. Is this normal banter


Do not entertain any of these messages, block him now. he is trying to reel you back in. Not because he wants you but because he wants to control you. Dont play into his hands.


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