# Wife of 12yrs has moved out.



## Bkeith999 (May 6, 2018)

Hello, although I have been lurking around this forum for awhile I just couldn't post my story or ask for help. I always wait to the last minute to do things, which is part of the problem. I have always been a procrastinator, but it seems to get worse the older I get. 
My wife and I have been together for 18yrs and have a 8 yr old daughter. We have been going through an off an on again fight for years. I lost my good paying job, we had a miscarriage, and lost both our grandmothers that we were close to back in 2008. Thats when this seemed to all start. After losing my job, the place closed, I started a business with some co-workers. Because of a program that our state had at the time. We were able to collect unemployment while doing this, but eventually the program was stopped, mistake number 1. Well i decided to stick with the business without really discussing it with my wife, which I knew she wasn't happy with. I thought I was doind what was best for us. Well the business didnt take off as i had hoped and struggled financially for quite awhile, which lead to bankruptcy. Which i am sure still probably would have happened anyway, but i dont know that for sure. I made a lot of money for the area we live in and lived pretty vicariously. Which ended uo to bite me in the ass pretty hard. Anyways, we almost lost our house. We had to file a Chapter 13 to keep the house and the plan payments came out of my wifes paycheck. Things were bad for awhile after we filed in 2012. The business was barely alive and we lived only on what was left out of her pay. But I continued with the business, mistake number whatever, (I quit counting) for reasons I wish I could explain. Well we got through it, but with deep wounds. 
Fast foward to last month, I have been not paying the mortgage payments, which I wish could know why. I think it has something to do with my Adult ADD, I joke about having it but i really think there is something wrong with me. We got some papers in the mail and everything for my wife rushed back to 2012, and the promise that I made that we would not go through that again. I am currently getting them paid back up, but the damage has been done. I hurt my wife once again. She started an emotional affair, which I am hoping is just that. She has lost all trust in me and said she loves me but needs some time and decided to move out after school was out.
Last night we finally broke down, because our daughter has been noticing things and we told her. We all cried and things were scary and emotional for awhile. My wife stayed at her parents and our daughter stayed home, we cried some more. I know I have to pull myself together and be strong for our daughter, but I am crushed and having a hard time keeping it together. We were fine until she asked me if she can keep her trampoline here at home. That drove the spike deeper into my heart and i broke down again, which caused her to as well. I know I shouldnt have, but I just held her and balled and told her I was sorry for everything I had done and didn't mean to hurt mommy. I am having a really hard time.
I think my wife does still loves me, and I have been doing everything that you are not supposed to do. It definitely is not helping and i think I am pushing her farther away. It just hurt me when she said she couldn't even try to work on things for our daughter, when she seen how upset she wad. I am a wreck and cry when I am alone, and now that our daughter knows when I am not alone. 

Thank you for reading my long and probably incoherent post. 

-Barrett


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

One: Your wife is in an affair and no longer loves you.

Two: you are not totally to blame.

Three: You aren’t the first person to have this happen and won’t be the last. You can get through it. 

4) don’t worry about the OM, if not him, there will be another. The fact is, she wants a separation to pursue other relationships. She’s done. She doesn’t love you anymore. She’s lying. If she did she wouldn’t leave.

5). The more you chase her, the more you ensure absolute certainty she won’t ever be back.

6). You MUST move forward. If you allow depression and sadness and fear to overcome you, you will stay in mental hell indefinitely.
Only by moving forward with your life will you e we be happy again. 

7). Procrastination will ruin you. Stop putting off things that make you uncomfortable.

8). Don’t call or text your wife. Please!

9). Look up the 180 and do it for YOU. She’s not coming back. Really.
Accept this.

10). There are lots of other women out there. One you get your life in order, they will find YOU.

11). Only you can fix your life. And this is likely the hardest obstacle to face. Face it like a man. Move forward. Don’t pine for your wife. Grieve your loss. Then move the **** on.
Stagnating brings nothing but pain. Treat exercising and getting out as a job. It will be hard fir a while. You’ll get over it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems.....

That this point was inevitable. That the pressures you brought to bear, would be more that she was able to bear.

It brought her to a point, a point not close to home. 
A place in the over grown woods.

A place where she broke down, met a bloke, and her soul she did bare.

She found relief there...
In the woods. 
It showed her she can survive without out you.

She can survive with the aid of another man, another man in your stead.

She emptied her heart, into his ear, his soothing words then flowed from his smiling mouth. 
Together, a plan has ensued, one not involving you.

Now, her heart unloaded, her soul bared. Her body soon to follow, to consummate the split.

This split, this marriage divide. If not him, this he, than another he.

He may be the destined station, or he may be the bridge. 
The bridge to somewhere, where Thy not lay.

By your own words, by your own actions you doomed yourself, doomed this marriage.

You may be able to right this, your sinking ship.

Get your mind, your financial house in order.

Then, and only then make another run, another try to take your ship into her port.

Her port, now cold. Her port turning away your ship, your sinking heart away.
Can you blame her....not?

The EA, not withstanding. That seemed inevitable, not justified. 
...............................................................................................

On this, this EA. What has been said, what has transpired?
Has love and kibbles been exchanged?
Or, merely...Oh, My's, i am so sorry, Dears..


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Dude, get up off of the floor already. Jeez!

Did you even read what you write?. Eliminate the getting in touch with your femine side and get a grip on your masculine side. Stop your weeping and get a job. I am really sorry, but I don't understand all this "balling my eyes out" from men. That's not attractive. She is not seeking an emotional connection from another guy, she is seeking out strength from another, since it is totally lacking in you.

And stop weeping on your daughters sleeve.

Posters will write "I don't mean to be harsh" but in this case, I certainly do. Step number 1, Dont ever cry again, unless some one dies. Step 2, get a decent job or any job and continue the search for stability. Step 3, stop talking to your wife. Change everything about you, for you. You either become a better man or your wife will continue to despise you. And you have given her every reason to do so.

Cue your excuses.1.2.3...go.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Stop crying in your daughter's presence. Children take their cue from their parents. If you want her to get thru this in the least scarred manner....then SHOW her how.


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> Dude, get up off of the floor already. Jeez!
> 
> Did you even read what you write?. Eliminate the getting in touch with your femine side and get a grip on your masculine side. Stop your weeping and get a job. I am really sorry, but I don't understand all this "balling my eyes out" from men. That's not attractive. She is not seeking an emotional connection from another guy, she is seeking out strength from another, since it is totally lacking in you.
> 
> ...


This entire post is full of toxicity and garbage advice. I'm convinced you're a troll.


----------



## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

Why did you not make the mortgage payments? Was there no money?

If the money was available, and you just didn't do it, I can see why it triggered her. You already went bankrupt! 

ADD or not (and nothing to joke about) you gotta get grip on this. She's looking for a man. Strength. Anything less is just plain unattractive, and it will drive her elsewhere. At this point you should be doing everything you can to get a job and keep on top of the mortgage at least. If you had the money to pay, and it was coming from HER pay, I understand why she's upset. 

Find your balls, and for god's sake, stop crying on your daughter! 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Hey man. I’ve been exactly here. You’re acting like I did a year and a half ago. Our stories are very much the same. Over 12 years. Financial grief. Ex wife’s EA. Apologizing to your children in pathetic ways and looking down on yourself. Generally being a *****. 

I was you. It’s hard bro. And you probably feel like you’re slowly dying. 

You’re Not Dying.

I pandered to my ex wife and believed she would come back. Tried to do all the stupid, low self esteem nonsense that goes along with that too.

I messed up, but you don’t have to.

I’m going to tell you what I should’ve done immediately when my ex wife left:

Filed for divorce and not asking for her blessing or communicated it to her. You can trust me now or believe me a year or two down the road. Your situation is not a problem. It is an opportunity to be decisive and break your procrastination cycle. 

Also. Don’t even bother wasting your time with other women while you are such a train wreck. Don’t take that statement the wrong way. I can say that because I know I was and there is nothing wrong with knowing that about yourself. And here’s why: A good woman will spot that a mile away and run from you. A bad woman will take advantage of it. There will be time for that later and when you’re ready it will be good. there is no need for you to suffer more emotional damage or project your emotional damage on another person. No good will come from this. 


Good luck man. I truly feel your pain and I know your pain. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

JBTX said:


> Hey man. I’ve been exactly here. You’re acting like I did a year and a half ago. Our stories are very much the same. Over 12 years. Financial grief. Ex wife’s EA. Apologizing to your children in pathetic ways and looking down on yourself. Generally being a *****.
> 
> I was you. It’s hard bro. And you probably feel like you’re slowly dying.
> 
> ...


That’s good advice, worth repeating.
Learning from the experiences of others—-wisdom.

Your story isn’t special, I assure you.


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

BruceBanner said:


> This entire post is full of toxicity and garbage advice. I'm convinced you're a troll.


The entire post was not directed towards you, so it may be best to remain silent. You are free to agree or disagree however In order to avoid a threadjack, direct your comments to the OP and the thread at hand.

Not in the best of moods today.

Edited for civility.


----------



## Bkeith999 (May 6, 2018)

hunkel said:


> I read the title about his wife of 12 years and my first thought is that she was way too young for him anyway


That was pretty good.


----------



## Bkeith999 (May 6, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> Dude, get up off of the floor already. Jeez!
> 
> Did you even read what you write?. Eliminate the getting in touch with your femine side and get a grip on your masculine side. Stop your weeping and get a job. I am really sorry, but I don't understand all this "balling my eyes out" from men. That's not attractive. She is not seeking an emotional connection from another guy, she is seeking out strength from another, since it is totally lacking in you.
> 
> ...



No excuses here, and I did readed what I write. I know what I did and i regret it. It was in a moment of weakness. My daughter's life as she new it came to a screeching halt. She is an only child and because of our work schedules, the three of us did everything together. That just got pulled out from under her and that is heart wrenching. I have always been on the sensitivite side, ER would make me cry, but ever since my daughter was born it has got worse. I don't think that makes me any less of a man. Believe me I can take the harshness. I am not looking for a pity party, just looking for a place to talk.


----------



## Bkeith999 (May 6, 2018)

Evinrude, thanks man. I appreciate the advice.
Somewhere I lost myself, and i knew it for awhile. What has happened really opened my eyes to my short comings and I hate myself for the man I have become. I am in the process of changing that for me and my daughter. She doesnt deserve to have a dad that starts things and doesn't finish or can't find the energy to do things around the house. Hell, I have a boat that has been sitting in my driveway for 12 years because I was going to get around ro fixing it. Always had an excuse. It listed on a classifieds site tonight. I have finished up three projects around the house that needed done for awhile, and it feels good. This procrastination and, I call it my ADD, is not only causing troubles at home, but work too. I can't let it take over me.

Is it so wrong to try and save something that was once great? Especially for our daughter. I know I messed up and I am trying to be a better man because I know i can be. Maybe I will regret it, but maybe I won't, but I am not going to jump right into the divorce. I hope that one day we will be able to forgive each other and continue on with the life we started, but I am also not going to wait for it to happen. If it was meant to be it will be, and I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. 
At this point in time a few comments she has made to me really showed me how she really feels at the moment and that has really opened my eyes. Could I ever forgive her? probably, but right now it has stopped me from crying over something that I can't control. As of now i am just in it for me and our daughter. Only time will tell where things go.


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Bkeith999 said:


> . Only time will tell where things go.



You’re procrastinating again....

If you do nothing. Yes. Time will tell and you will be railroaded in a divorce she initiated.

OR you can stand up for yourself. 

Choice is yours. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you file now while she’s excited about getting out of the marriage and being with her affair partner, and while she might have a smidgen of guilt, you will possibly get a fair deal in the divorce. If you wait until she is able to justify everything in her mind and rewrite history, her conscience will be clear and she will give you the shaft.

All this waiting and time will tell—— you’ve already waited on things long enough and your wife is leaving you.

Take some action. Or not....
But you should file now. A divorce doesn’t happen overnight. Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to stop it or procrastinate.

Just ignore the advice of people who have gone through this before if you must.... it’s free.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

BruceBanner said:


> This entire post is full of toxicity and garbage advice. I'm convinced you're a troll.


Disagree.


----------



## Bkeith999 (May 6, 2018)

On a side note. How do you make this easier on the children? I know theres no secret formula but are there any ideas? 

My daughter chose to stay at the house with me because it is her home. She barely talks to her mom and seems like she doesnt want to spend time with her. She will cut the phone calls short or just want to come home.

Is she she just angry at her for leaving or could she just be avoiding it because she is sad and its uncomfortable? I don't want her to hate or resent her mom, like i said earlier we are her life, although she has every right to be angry. If it is just that she is avoiding it, that is a huge wake up call because she probably learned that from me. Will it just take time or do we force her to spend time and communicate.

We couldnt have asked for a better daughter, and i am so proud of her, but it is kind of scary how well she is taking this. I think it is all a front and that she is holding everything in, which again, me and her mother can do all to well. I am afraid that I might have caused her to try and carry the burden when I broke down on her, and that is harder on me than the seperation.

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

hunkel said:


> Completely understandable. If I was getting married in less than 100 days and had my doubts, I'd be in a crappy mood too.


Didn't they ban you? Or was it a day to late.


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Bkeith999 said:


> No excuses here, and I did readed what I write. I know what I did and i regret it. It was in a moment of weakness. My daughter's life as she new it came to a screeching halt. She is an only child and because of our work schedules, the three of us did everything together. That just got pulled out from under her and that is heart wrenching. I have always been on the sensitivite side, ER would make me cry, but ever since my daughter was born it has got worse. I don't think that makes me any less of a man. Believe me I can take the harshness. I am not looking for a pity party, just looking for a place to talk.


Look, you have 1 shot at this. If she has not had a PA, she will very soon. If that happens, your marriage is probably 100% over. You do not have the luxury of time to reach for pillows and tissues. You have made mistake after mistake for the last few years. You can not afford to make another one.

I will repeat my suggestions. Feel free to ignore.

1) Get a job. Any job. Some say the number 1 need for a man is sex. I disagree. Get a job, get some confidence and sex will always be there.
2) Accept responsibility for what you have done or did not do. Accept it and then move on. Like today.
3) Be prepared to divorce your wife. While your actions may have led to a divorce, Her infidelity is her choice to handle things very poorly. 
4) let her know that you understand the consequences of your behaviour is grounds for divorce. But it will be you who files since the consequences for her behaviour is grounds for a divorce also. Do not bluff. Then start your 180.
5) Start running. Long distance. Get inside your own head and do what men do. Adjust yourself. It is not really difficult. I always suggest running, because running is forcing your will against the consistent pain. It will help you recover your drive.
6) limit conversations with your wife to the bare minimum. Never talk about your progress and do not apologize again. Adjust yourself guietly.

This isnt tough macho talk. You have made a mess of things and let your wife down in a big way. You let her carry the bag for years and blew her money. Big mistake. However that does not give her the right to seek another, without filing for a divorce.

Grieve tomorrow, but change today. Choose to learn from the past, package it up and start your second life, with or without her.

And if i may repeat myself.

Get a job.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Bkeith999 said:


> On a side note. How do you make this easier on the children? I know theres no secret formula but are there any ideas?
> 
> My daughter chose to stay at the house with me because it is her home. She barely talks to her mom and seems like she doesnt want to spend time with her. She will cut the phone calls short or just want to come home.
> 
> ...


You were weak and made some bad decisions on top of it, so you lost your wife. If you continue being weak and making bad decisions you will either lose or damage your daughter, maybe both.

Frankly, your daughter knows you're weak and now wounded. That is likely why she is cold shouldering her mother and staying with you. I mean, someone has to look after you, right? Poor Dad can't hack it. The absolute best thing you can do for her is pretend you're just fine, get your **** straight and let her be a kid instead of an emotional caretaker.

Also, keep in mind you are her example of manhood. Do you want your daughter someday marrying a guy who makes bad financial decisions, let's his woman carry the bulk of the financial burden for years, and cries at the drop of a hat? Children live what they learn.


----------



## Bkeith999 (May 6, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> Look, you have 1 shot at this. If she has not had a PA, she will very soon. If that happens, your marriage is probably 100% over. You do not have the luxury of time to reach for pillows and tissues. You have made mistake after mistake for the last few years. You can not afford to make another one.
> 
> I will repeat my suggestions. Feel free to ignore.
> 
> ...


1. I have a job, its not the best but I do alright. And I already have other job prospects lined up. As for sex, believe me thats not a problem, I "know" myself very well. Its the side affect of always disappointing your wife on top of the meds she takes.

2. I have already accepted responsibility and I am working on repairing the damage.

3.This is a harsh reality that I am trying to accept. 

4. Kind of goes along with #3. I am working up courage and self confidence for this. One of the issues is the money involved in starting this process.

5. I have been starting to bike again. 

6. We have only spoke about our daughter today. It was a 20 min conversation, and we both choked up a few times about her, no actual crying on my part. I stopped the apologies Saturday.

I know I let her down and she did carry alot but that was only for about 6 months after we first filed. My business started to pick up after that and things got better, not the best but better. 



Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


----------



## Bkeith999 (May 6, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> You were weak and made some bad decisions on top of it, so you lost your wife. If you continue being weak and making bad decisions you will either lose or damage your daughter, maybe both.
> 
> Frankly, your daughter knows you're weak and now wounded. That is likely why she is cold shouldering her mother and staying with you. I mean, someone has to look after you, right? Poor Dad can't hack it. The absolute best thing you can do for her is pretend you're just fine, get your **** straight and let her be a kid instead of an emotional caretaker.
> 
> Also, keep in mind you are her example of manhood. Do you want your daughter someday marrying a guy who makes bad financial decisions, let's his woman carry the bulk of the financial burden for years, and cries at the drop of a hat? Children live what they learn.


This totally makes sense, and I was afraid that my break down caused this. But she chose to come home before I actually broke. When we told her what was going on we all cried but it wasn't a break down. Then she decided to come home. 

I don't want it to sound like an excuse, but one of the reason I broke was because of the hug she gave me when i got her out of the car. She didn't have any shoes on so I picked her up to carry her to the house. She has hugged me before, but that one was different and i havent been shown that kind of affection in quite awhile. It just felt good and I broke. I also think that i have been suffering from a depression for awhile to. My wife has suffered ever since our miscarriage and I try to carry all the load on her low days. I think I might have gotten a little bitter trying to carry her along with all my stuff and I think it just started to bring me down with her.

I am well aware of the affect I have on her, and I am growing my balls back. She hasn't seen my cry since and I have been acting like myself. I have already started to do the things around the house that i have been neglecting for some time. I can't afford to have her think i am just some sad sack.

Each project that i have been finishing has been lifting weight of my shoulders and it makes me think, why didnt i do this earlier. It has also been clearing up the fog that has been in my head.

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> You were weak and made some bad decisions on top of it, so you lost your wife. If you continue being weak and making bad decisions you will either lose or damage your daughter, maybe both.
> 
> Frankly, your daughter knows you're weak and now wounded. That is likely why she is cold shouldering her mother and staying with you. I mean, someone has to look after you, right? Poor Dad can't hack it. The absolute best thing you can do for her is pretend you're just fine, get your **** straight and let her be a kid instead of an emotional caretaker.
> 
> Also, keep in mind you are her example of manhood. Do you want your daughter someday marrying a guy who makes bad financial decisions, let's his woman carry the bulk of the financial burden for years, and cries at the drop of a hat? Children live what they learn.





Bkeith999 said:


> This totally makes sense, and I was afraid that my break down caused this. But she chose to come home before I actually broke. When we told her what was going on we all cried but it wasn't a break down. Then she decided to come home.
> 
> I don't want it to sound like an excuse, but one of the reason I broke was because of the hug she gave me when i got her out of the car. She didn't have any shoes on so I picked her up to carry her to the house. She has hugged me before, but that one was different and i havent been shown that kind of affection in quite awhile. It just felt good and I broke. I also think that i have been suffering from a depression for awhile to. My wife has suffered ever since our miscarriage and I try to carry all the load on her low days. I think I might have gotten a little bitter trying to carry her along with all my stuff and I think it just started to bring me down with her.
> 
> ...


You know, @MJJEAN 's post is totally spot on. Your response is frankly still a little weak. 

I don't want to bang you, I really don't, but this will probably hurt. 

Dude, YOU ARE AND HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED. Now, when it started, why it started, and all of that, who knows. 

But you need to understand that your wife is gone, and more than likely you will never get her back. Frankly, buddy, you blew it, and I think you know that. 

But how do you move forward, well YOU GROW THE F*** UP ALREADY, THAT IS WHERE YOU START.

The time for stupid financial decisions, procrastination, and boo hoo pity parties is over man. Yes you need to find your balls, I don't know where you put them but you have to find them. 

Listen, don't think that you are the only person that has dealt with depression, because you are not. There was a time, when my marriage was so horrible, and my wife was so "sick" (read drug addict) that I really thought about ending it. 

How crazy is that. No, I picked myself up found my balls and worked my way out of that crap. 

And that is what you have got to do, like yesterday...


----------

