# Legitimate Question or Throwing It in His Face?



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

We had an argument last night. It started when he was trying to tell me he had a problem with something I did but rather than phrase it in a constructive "I don't like that you do X" way he said it in a very insulting way that told me nothing about what it was he had a problem with - specifically telling me that I act like a 12 year old, which is not only not true, but is no indication whatsoever of what the problem was. 

I asked him why he said it, and he said something to the effect of I didn't want to solve the problem. When I asked him how insulting me was going to help us solve anything, he said I was throwing what he said back in his face. 

This is not the first time he's accused me of throwing things back in his face. It seems that pretty much any time I question anything he says, no matter how innocently, I'm throwing it in his face. 

I really don't see how it's throwing it back in his face, but I also know that I might be too close to the situation to see it. So if anyone here does think that I was throwing it back in his face, can you please explain to me why? If I am, I want to be able to stop, but I just don't get it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

That's not throwing anything back in his face. And name calling never helped solve any problem.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

That's just evading on his part. If you don't know what he is talking about exactly, how can you be expected to fix it? That's man code, but for what exactly I have no idea (maybe there is a problem but I don't know what it is so i will just say something, then get pissed when you need more and I got nothing) or maybe it's (I have the problem but it is much easier to throw it on you so that I can feel justified being an ass). Just an interpretation, probably get a man here with something totally different.

I don't see throwing back in the face though, I see "WTF that's not enough for me to go on to think about it and you did not give me a problem you gave me a silly insult.... NOT the same thing, so... need ya to give me something I can work with not scratch my head at"


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can't tell what the dynamics are from your post. Does this happen on a regular basis? Have you considered he may have some narcissistic tendencies?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I can't tell what the dynamics are from your post. Does this happen on a regular basis? Have you considered he may have some narcissistic tendencies?


It's become a more regular thing over time. This was not the first time, it was just the first time that I looked at the situation and said "wtf? How is that throwing it back in his face?" He's said it other times, and I thought he might be right, because those were instances where I did bring up something said at some point in the past; it was meant to prove a point, and I figured that in those cases, it was possible that I was throwing it in his face, even if unintentionally. 

I am starting to wonder about the narcissistic thing. There's been quite a few things lately that really get to me. Another thing he does is to always tell me that I can talk to him about anything, tell him anything, but if I bring up a problem with us, he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it. If I bring up a problem that's not about us, he acts like I'm either complaining about nothing or that it's something I've brought on myself. And so, of course, when he acts like that, it makes me think that I shouldn't talk to him, and then he gets mad at me for that. 

I find myself often thinking that no matter which way I go, no matter what I do, it's going to be wrong.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

woodstock said:


> That's just evading on his part. If you don't know what he is talking about exactly, how can you be expected to fix it? That's man code, but for what exactly I have no idea (maybe there is a problem but I don't know what it is so i will just say something, then get pissed when you need more and I got nothing) or maybe it's (I have the problem but it is much easier to throw it on you so that I can feel justified being an ass). Just an interpretation, probably get a man here with something totally different.
> 
> I don't see throwing back in the face though, I see "WTF that's not enough for me to go on to think about it and you did not give me a problem you gave me a silly insult.... NOT the same thing, so... need ya to give me something I can work with not scratch my head at"


That is exactly what I was thinking. At another point during this whole thing, he accused me of lying because we spend a lot of time on the phone, and I will tell him I've got to let him go so I can make dinner, get my kids bathed and homework done, etc. I tell him I'll call him back at X time, thinking I can be free by then, and if I'm not, and I call him even 15 minutes later, I've lied because I didn't call exactly when I said I would. I mean, I've got kids, things don't run smoothly all the time. 

When he said that, I pointed out 2 instances in which I know he lied (once to me, once to someone else), and he accused me of trying to put it on him. I asked him if I was wrong, and he refused to answer the question, saying that I didn't want to admit that I had a problem. 

I can understand that it might frustrate him if I don't call him when I say I will, but I also need him to understand that sometimes things come up and I'm not lying, I simply underestimated the time I needed or had something come up unexpectedly that's beyond my control. He claims to get it...yet here we are.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

FWIW, I don't think you were throwing anything in his face. You can't resolve an issue if you don't know what the issue is. For whatever reason, he's not telling you that issue. 

If what I'm doing doesn't work, I try something else. Change tactics. I'm not so sure what tactic to change with the communcation problem y'all are having, I haven't had enough coffee yet to do REAL thinking. As far as phone calls go? That one's easy enough. You can say "I'll TRY to call at X time, if the world isn't caving in at that time..and if it is I might be a few minutes longer. You know how it is with kids". Or just automatically say 30 minutes longer than you originally plan on calling. Something kinda tells me that might not work with him either, though. 

Is this avoiding and deflecting something he does regularly? Does he do this when he's not on the road, and at home?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

atruckersgirl said:


> That is exactly what I was thinking. At another point during this whole thing, he accused me of lying because we spend a lot of time on the phone, and I will tell him I've got to let him go so I can make dinner, get my kids bathed and homework done, etc. I tell him I'll call him back at X time, thinking I can be free by then, and if I'm not, and I call him even 15 minutes later, I've lied because I didn't call exactly when I said I would. I mean, I've got kids, things don't run smoothly all the time.
> 
> When he said that, I pointed out 2 instances in which I know he lied (once to me, once to someone else), and he accused me of trying to put it on him. I asked him if I was wrong, and he refused to answer the question, saying that I didn't want to admit that I had a problem.
> 
> I can understand that it might frustrate him if I don't call him when I say I will, but I also need him to understand that sometimes things come up and I'm not lying, I simply underestimated the time I needed or had something come up unexpectedly that's beyond my control. He claims to get it...yet here we are.


If you have to justify getting hung up with the kids, then he is WAY too jealous, has self esteem issues, and control issues .... and all the early signs of the ex I had that put my head through the sheet rock when dinner was late cause I WAS AT WORK (his sorry as didn't work so GOD FORBID!) ok thats a whole different story, but he had MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR jealousy issues and insecurities that came out in violence, abuse on all levels and just plain being an ASS!!!!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Is this avoiding and deflecting something he does regularly? Does he do this when he's not on the road, and at home?


It's becoming more and more regular, I'm noticing. He doesn't do it when he's home. But we never argue when he's home either. I can think of twice in the nearly 2 years we've been together that we've argued when he was home. And both times, as with any other argument, it's always something I've done. 

I hate even thinking this, because I really do love him and I know he loves me too, but I'm beginning to think that no matter what I do, this just isn't going to work.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

woodstock said:


> If you have to justify getting hung up with the kids, then he is WAY too jealous, has self esteem issues, and control issues .... and all the early signs of the ex I had that put my head through the sheet rock when dinner was late cause I WAS AT WORK (his sorry as didn't work so GOD FORBID!) ok thats a whole different story, but he had MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR jealousy issues and insecurities that came out in violence, abuse on all levels and just plain being an ASS!!!!


I haven't had to justify it, per se. In fact, when he said what he said last night, that was actually the first I'd heard of it that I could take seriously. There'd been a couple of times in the past when he would text me with something like "long hour..." when I said I'd call in an hour. But he always said he was joking when I'd say something in response. And the thing is, I've even made it a point to try being a bit more vague so that I don't have to call right on the dot. I say "I'll try to give you a call around 8:30, otherwise it'll be after the kids are in bed." And yet now he says I lie when I say I'll call and I don't. Aside from saying "I'll call you sometime between now and the end of time" I don't see how much more vague I can be to not be "lying."


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> It's becoming more and more regular, I'm noticing. He doesn't do it when he's home. But we never argue when he's home either. I can think of twice in the nearly 2 years we've been together that we've argued when he was home. And both times, as with any other argument, it's always something I've done.
> 
> I hate even thinking this, because I really do love him and I know he loves me too, but I'm beginning to think that no matter what I do, this just isn't going to work.


Don't you sometimes just want to kick love in the butt? Before it kicks yours? 

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. He's on the road a lot. He has other truck drivers filling his ears with crap. (my sweetie used to drive OTR as well) They say stupid stuff like "yeah, your old lady is banging the guy next door" and just crap like that. And they do it a LOT, from what I understand. And then he probably hears stories of others whose wives/gfs HAVE been cheating while they're gone. All that has to mess with his mind. 

And there's no telling what all else he hears. He might take it on the cuff for talking to you so much in the first place (I don't see how they'd know, but somehow they seem to) Point is...they mess with each others minds, in the form of teasing. That was why I asked if he did this when he was home. 

Since this is his job, and he's not likely to get another one...have you discussed what he thinks REALLY goes on when he's not there? It's possible that his imagination is running wild, and getting the best of him? Remember...devil's advocate here.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Don't you sometimes just want to kick love in the butt? Before it kicks yours?
> 
> I'm going to play devil's advocate here. He's on the road a lot. He has other truck drivers filling his ears with crap. (my sweetie used to drive OTR as well) They say stupid stuff like "yeah, your old lady is banging the guy next door" and just crap like that. And they do it a LOT, from what I understand. And then he probably hears stories of others whose wives/gfs HAVE been cheating while they're gone. All that has to mess with his mind.
> 
> ...


I think that is very possible. He has said numerous times that he only knows what he hears on the phone (in terms of him hearing me discipline the kids or talk to others around me, usually my parents), and what I tell him, and that he really has no idea what's going on here. I've always taken that as him trying to say I don't communicate clearly enough what's going on, but I suppose it could be his way of expressing insecurity and asking for reassurance. 

Of course, now I'm not sure how I can bring this up. After what happened last night, (and come to think of it, he did at one point mention something about cheating as an example of something...I thought it was just an example, but maybe he was trying to tell me something), I just don't see how I can bring this up without him being suspicious that I'm up to something. 

Can we just go back to the days when grunting and being dragged off to the cave by your hair were the primary forms of communication? That would be so much simpler.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

After millions of years of evolution, you'd think people would be better at solving problems and communicating. Generally, we suck at both, especially in marriage situations. He may (and probably does) have a legitimate complaint. He phrased it in an angry, insulting way which was guaranteed to end badly. He probably just doesn't know a better way of conflict resolution. We aren't born with great communication skills but there are plenty of places we can go to receive training. Most of what we "know" about being married, we learned from watching our parents. Sadly, most of us had poor examples. When we learn better, we do better.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I think that is very possible. He has said numerous times that he only knows what he hears on the phone (in terms of him hearing me discipline the kids or talk to others around me, usually my parents), and what I tell him, and that he really has no idea what's going on here. I've always taken that as him trying to say I don't communicate clearly enough what's going on, but I suppose it could be his way of expressing insecurity and asking for reassurance.
> 
> Of course, now I'm not sure how I can bring this up. After what happened last night, (and come to think of it, he did at one point mention something about cheating as an example of something...I thought it was just an example, but maybe he was trying to tell me something), I just don't see how I can bring this up without him being suspicious that I'm up to something.
> 
> Can we just go back to the days when grunting and being dragged off to the cave by your hair were the primary forms of communication? That would be so much simpler.


There has to be a way to help him with *this* particular insecurity without him being suspicious. Understanding it's not always what you say but what you do, all y'all have is trying to communicate long distance. Maybe start with "you know...there is absolutely no one else in this world for me than you" right before you hang up. Or something to that effect. Only you know the words to say. Just for a start.

And yes...grunting and being dragged off by my hair is certainly going to work for me! Is that a "love language"?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It's evading and trying to put the focus back on you and off of him.

Repeating what he said, to clarify that you heard right - is a tool used in effective communication - perhaps that is where he is lacking so he doesn't understand that you are "repeating" what he said, versus throwing it back in his face.

And you're right - acting like a 12-year old? What exactly does that mean - I know a lot of mature 12 year olds. What I don't know is a lot of MATURE men! LOL


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And you're right - acting like a 12-year old? What exactly does that mean - I know a lot of mature 12 year olds. What I don't know is a lot of MATURE men! LOL


That was exactly the problem. I have a 10 yr old & a 7 yr old, so you know, sometimes I do act like a kid, for their benefit. I like to play with them now and then, on their level, rather than just being Mom who orders them to do homework, eat dinner, and get to bed on time. To me, that's not a bad thing. 

And that's why I was asking him about it, because I wasn't sure if he was saying it in a good way in that I play with my kids or if he meant it as a criticism. 

He tells me that I have to talk to him because he can't read my mind. But when he brings something up, the way he says I'm throwing it in his face or whatever when all I'm trying to do is understand exactly what he meant, it makes me feel like HE expects me to read HIS mind. 

It's just so frustrating. I want this to work, and he claims to as well, but yet it seems that we can't manage to really talk and solve anything. And I know that some of that is my fault, it takes two, but he just doesn't seem to want to acknowledge his role in it.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I personally think it's a legitimate question, however, it is the kind of question that has no back door out....it forces the person being asked it in to a wall because there is only one reasonable answer. It's the kind of question I would ask

I use to use this method of questioning on my children/teenagers and it worked fine in resolving the issue. I've tried it a couple of times on men in my life and rarely recieved a positive reaction/response. I think maybe because of the "nowhere to go" thing.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

atruckersgirl said:


> I am starting to wonder about the narcissistic thing.


You may want to do some reading on that problem. There are a wide variety of types of narcissists. I've read many of your other posts; I'm thinking this may be a possibility. 




atruckersgirl said:


> I find myself often thinking that no matter which way I go, no matter what I do, it's going to be wrong.


A good narcissist is good at cloaking their problem. They are masters at shifting the blame. And over time they rob you of your self-esteem (and will make you question your sanity). He is definitely controlling over the phone time. You have other legitimate things to do. Yet, he expects to to be available to talk to him 24/7. Then, when you can't, he starts accusing you of lying. That's a problem and a red flag.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> I personally think it's a legitimate question, however, it is the kind of question that has no back door out....it forces the person being asked it in to a wall because there is only one reasonable answer. It's the kind of question I would ask
> 
> I use to use this method of questioning on my children/teenagers and it worked fine in resolving the issue. I've tried it a couple of times on men in my life and rarely recieved a positive reaction/response. I think maybe because of the "nowhere to go" thing.


I'm not sure I understand what you mean about it forcing him into a wall and there being only one reasonable answer. I wanted him to answer me with the truth of what he really meant. I didn't want to assume he meant something and create a situation where there was none. 

Can you elaborate on what you meant, and maybe give me an example of how you think I should have asked about it instead?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I've been away for the last hour or so, picking my kids up from school. I had lots of time to think while I was doing that, and going along with major misfit's theory that he's hearing things on the road, I had a few thoughts that I'd like some opinions on. 

It's been a while since it was discussed, but when we were first getting together, we did talk about our pasts and our past relationships. One thing that came up for both of us was being cheated on by past partners. I'm wondering...is it possible that he was so hurt by what these other women did while he was on the road that he just automatically assumes that I'm going to do what they did (lying, cheating, etc.)?

I'm wondering because I know that my ex-husband cheated on me, and it's taken a lot for me to not transfer that same lack of trust to my current boyfriend, especially given that he is gone so much and it would be so easy for me to build up a nightmare image of him off doing all kinds of things that would hurt me. And even working so hard to make sure I don't transfer that lack of trust, I still at times will find myself wondering, but when I do, I shut it down pretty quickly by simply looking at the fact that he's never done anything to make me think he would or is doing anything he shouldn't. 

Now it's making me think that perhaps he's just convinced that I'm going to be like any other woman he's dated. Because when I really think about it, everything he's accused me of is stuff that he's told me past girlfriends did. And I suppose an argument could be made that he keeps picking the same type of woman over and over, and I am going to do some serious looking at myself to make sure there isn't any truth to what he's saying. But it would explain why I can think we're making some progress toward resolution of a problem and he'll insist nothing's changed, and why I can never figure out where some of these accusations are coming from. 

Any thoughts?


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