# talked and created more hurt guilt confussion



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Finally H and I spoke til after midnight. Good talk, no yelling, calm, other than serveral out burst of painful tears between two of us.

Think we both agree the issues or loss rather, started 8 years ago at loss of our firsth daughter. He said he feels I've never been same since. And, I agree as I went against marriage and him and deceived in taking birthcontrol in hopes to get pregnant again, and did. Although today he has no regrets as he loves the apple of his eye dearly and is extremely greatful I completed his life with knowing having a child can be a wonderful thing in lieu of painful...he still is adamit that if I decided my happiness lies outside of being married, he cannot and will not stay in the state which we live. Says I need to think long, hard, and be very positive that is what is best for my happiness as I will have our daughter to deal with that will be very devasted. She is 6, soon to be 7. 

She will be devestated if told her daddy is moving out of state and she wont seem him for long time. Why is does that have to be my fault? He states the pain and hurt is too much. He has no family around and at his age (50's) to start over and be miserable with no family, he rather do it somewhere else. I said when my thoughts go that far as to seperation, I still see us being the best of parents and making the most of normalcy for her. He said no. Once it's over, it's over and he will move on. He doesn't want daughter seeing him devastated from not having me with him and starting out living with nothing.

I explained the only way for me to get passed the 'finacial' guilt that I feel eats me alive and will put me in my grave is for me, if ends, I came with nothing I go with nothing. The sale he can have what equity is left, if in todays society we get any. He can have what furniture needs, etc. I will be the one to start over from scratch. He sold his house he bought from parents where he grew up, used all that equity on new home. Also has informed me he exhausted last of his personal savings on finishing out garage that he now feels will be all for someone else. That kills me inside to where I literaly could throw up. 

I feel like a horrible person and to know he can walk away from his daughter (forget me at this point) makes me crazy. Makes me angry and very heartbroken all together. Says not a threat just how he feels and the way it would have to be. 

He never cried once during the entire conversation. But this morning while getting ready for work, stood behind me in mirror and sobed..how can you do this, how can you not see how much you mean to me, this is killing me I can't be strong, I can't be strong for our daughter. Says I need to decide. 

When going through counseling he said counselor told him I cannot make decision. H said until I come out and say I am not in love with him or need out, he will keep trying. I do love him, care for him and his well being. I do not desire him like before, like he does me. He cannot live that way. He needs to be desired, praised, felt like the 'man'. Why I'm past that, I honestly have no idea. I have no intent to replace him or want to. That's not at all what this is about. We both know that. 

So much guilt in me. Of wasting his years, time, now with daughter he tells me if weren't for her he wouldn't care. Hence why he didn't want a child due to divorce and what it does. For me, it doesn't have to be that way as I'm not the one moving out of state! Those kind of comments actually make me lean farther down the path of no return. Not sure if for spite or what. Just makes me very angry to hear him say he'd walk from her life. Although he doesn't veiw it that way.

So mentally exhausting..and painful.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It kind of sounds like he's trying to guilt you into staying, while pretending to let you decide. Threatening to move out of state...that sounds like a guilt trip to me. I wouldn't care if I had absolutely no friends, no family whatsoever, wherever my kids are is where I'd be. If I *did* for some strange reason have to move out of state, I would be seeing my kids as often as possible, regardless of what it took to do so. 

I do agree that you need to decide what you want to do, but you shouldn't feel guilty. If you guys aren't happy together (and if one of you isn't happy, then you're not happy together), then it's better for everyone that you not be together, unless you can find your way back to happiness.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> It kind of sounds like he's trying to guilt you into staying, while pretending to let you decide. Threatening to move out of state...that sounds like a guilt trip to me. I wouldn't care if I had absolutely no friends, no family whatsoever, wherever my kids are is where I'd be. If I *did* for some strange reason have to move out of state, I would be seeing my kids as often as possible, regardless of what it took to do so.
> 
> I do agree that you need to decide what you want to do, but you shouldn't feel guilty. If you guys aren't happy together (and if one of you isn't happy, then you're not happy together), then it's better for everyone that you not be together, unless you can find your way back to happiness.


Thanks for response. Guess feel if cannot actually come out and say it, then there is hope. Actually going through some lab test first, then decide on depression med to just help me focus. I feel horrible he isn't my everything anymore. We have 11yr age difference, him senior. He's satisfied staying at home, working all day or night just knowing me and daughter are there. Sometimes just feel I would be happier being responsible for me and only me (daughter too) but as far as happiness, no other person do worry about. Selfish is how I feel. So much self talking it makes me feel I have pshycological issues. I know it's depression and right now trying to get the physical medical me feeling better to hopefully help focus on the mental me.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

He's using guilt to hold you hostage. The same happened to me for 4 years. Eventually, you stop feeling guilty and then you can move on. It takes time.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

jeffreygropp and atruckersgirl:
My mom came to sit and talk with him yesterday. She informs me how much pain he is in and the he is fighting to very end until I actually say it's over. I know he's hurting, don't doubt that for one minute and that does eat at me to know I'm causing him pain. Obvsiouly, since I'm not ready to actually say it's over, I'm not to the stage of not caring what he feels or thinks and leaving. My mom now, who tries desperatly not to take sides, has also said to me, like H, you better think long and hard if this is what you will need to do for your happiness as you will have to deal with your daughter. H explained to mom that if he does not have me and her together with him to complete him, he has to leave. He will not be able to cope and stay around here with us in seperate homes living seperate lives. It's all or nothing for him and he said it will have to be me, and me alone, to deal with the pain it will cause our daughter of us not together. So, now, I feel, do I fake happiness for 12 more years? However, it's not that I dread or hate him, he does not disgust me by any means and he is very caring. He wants the physical connection. If I do feel it, in the a moment, if I do feel sexual at time he does and we do get physical, intimate, it scares hell out of me as I am not sure it's for the right reasons. We all get the 'urges', we are human. For him, it means I'm 'coming back' a blip of hope the me he fell in love with is still there. It all so complicated. Guess I'm now realizing what he mean back when I was 27 of why he originally didn't want to get married. Because of 'this' this moment, these feelings how difficult. Flip side, now realize the child thing. If it wasn't for her, I feel I could say it. The I need out. That is so very unfair to all 3 of us.


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## paulp (Oct 18, 2010)

One thing you have not mentioned...Have you gone to counselling? You mentioned he has. What about you? Often in life couples drift apart for various. Counselling at first separate and then together can help you both realize what made you fall in love in the first place. It can give you the tools to rediscover that love. It must still be there You have shared intimate moments.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

paulp said:


> One thing you have not mentioned...Have you gone to counselling? You mentioned he has. What about you? Often in life couples drift apart for various. Counselling at first separate and then together can help you both realize what made you fall in love in the first place. It can give you the tools to rediscover that love. It must still be there You have shared intimate moments.


Yes, we both went seperate for about 3 months. Counselor did not feel ready for combined yet. So H quit. Then I did. Felt more I went on own, more realized I truly may not be 'in love' with him and I guess it scared me as I don't want to hurt him or my daughter. Made me feel even more guilty for changing. I'm looking to start up again. Guess time is all I have right now.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Yes, we both went seperate for about 3 months. Counselor did not feel ready for combined yet. So H quit. Then I did. Felt more I went on own, more realized I truly may not be 'in love' with him and I guess it scared me as I don't want to hurt him or my daughter. Made me feel even more guilty for changing. I'm looking to start up again. Guess time is all I have right now.


can I ask you what being " in love " means according to you ?


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## readyforchange (Oct 22, 2010)

Hi,
new here--pretty much in the same boat as most--guilt a huge factor--my question to u is this: What kind of counselor do I need to see? I am not sure--never done it before--and i want to see someone first by myself--get my head straight--before discussing my feelings with husband. 
Suggestions?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

readyforchange said:


> Hi,
> new here--pretty much in the same boat as most--guilt a huge factor--my question to u is this: What kind of counselor do I need to see? I am not sure--never done it before--and i want to see someone first by myself--get my head straight--before discussing my feelings with husband.
> Suggestions?


Not sure. I went to Licensed Clinical Counselor. He was very nice, did make me feel better but more I went more I felt the right thing is to be alone...on own, yet do not have courage to do that. A brief time during our talk, when he said he felt me being on my own would make me happy and he wants me to be happy, briefly I felt like I could breath, weight lifted. Then hit me with the "I have to move out of state b/c I can't live here like this without you and daughter to complete me" instant anxiety...crying..guilt eating me up. I'm looking to get back into counseling for self. After lab work comes back to A) make sure no chemical/hormonal inbalance is going on and then B) if that all checks out, potentionally taking something to help me focus and not be so anxious and depressed combined with counseling.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> can I ask you what being " in love " means according to you ?


bestplayer....to me, it means he is enough for me. Desire him, that he makes me feel alive, sexy, that when I come home each night, I still can't wait to see him, talk with him, spend my envening with him. Those moments of him taking my breath away. I know these things fade, come and go. For me, they have been abscent for quite a while. He stated to me, "you complete me, you are enough for me, I need nothing else in mylife but you and daughter". I cannot say that to him as I am not 100% positive he completes me anymore. That makes me feel like a horrible, horrible person, as I feel I should be able to say that back. He feels since I cannot say he is enough for me, that I am not 'in love' with him. I just do not know anymore.


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