# Love or need?



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

I was reading an article a couple days ago that has resulted in a lot of reflection ever since (I so wish I could find that article again). It talked about how needing someone can look and feel like real love but it isn't and that the fulfillment of this need is not long lasting (as needs change) thus the cause of many failed relationships. Although I realize this is just a person's opinion, it did make a lot of sense.

I started thinking about my partner and myself and find myself questioning our relationship. 

It is the most amazing relationship I have ever experienced and I believe we will marry and be together for the rest of our lives. 

I am wondering if his feelings towards me are more based on need or on love because I do believe he needs me.

For the past number of years there has been some strain with his family and he has good friends but is not extremely tight with anyone. I think his biggest need is to feel a connection with someone ... to not be alone in the world.

Also, in his dating past he has learnt what he _doesn't _like/want in a partner ... drama/head-games, dependance, clinginess, lack of ambition, inequality, lack of intelligence, infidelity, fighting instead of talking, etc, etc.

Then he met me. I fit his criteria of what he wants in a partner very well.

Do you think it's possible that although he thinks he loves me this feeling is instead a dependancy feeling based on need?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & My husband both feel we "*need*" each other, others may say this is unhealthy, but I see it more like -we just ENJOY being with each other so much, and wouldn't want to live life without each other in it. I have many friends but I enjoy his company over them all, even over my kids - We love getting away ~~ just US. He has friends too but I have always been his #1. He, like your boyfriend, was never extremely tight with anyone till he met me. I would even call my husband a 'loner" type. But he is the most affectionate loving man I ever met. 

I, on the other hand, have had very very close -kinship type friendships before him- but he became the most important person in my life- "my best friend" after we dated awhile, and has remained over all of these years. 

Sure we would manage to live alone and can function on our own -without the other but would it be as enjoyable- HE** no! 

If the 2 of you compliment each others personalities & temperments and just LOVE & enjoy being together....you laugh, you work well together, you communicate easily in all things, you share interests AND miss each other when you are apart --for me, I would call this abiding Love, what makes for an excellent marraige & loving companionship over the long haul. 

We have been together for 21 + years married plus another 8 yrs dating. Our love is still as strong now as then, if not more so. 


Nothing wrong with having a list (like his) of what he has *learned * over the years in what doesn't work for him. This is why I feel young people should date a little so they can experience what turns them off, irritates them -what they could NOT live with, we all need such a discovery. 

Without reading the article, it is hard for me to judge it, but I would not even want to be in a relationship where my partner didn't admit he "*needed*" me BECAUSE he loved me --NOT because he is just lonely. There is a difference. I guess many would use the term *WANT* instead of *NEED*. I guess I personally see them as almost the same. 

Do you feel he is head over heels for you? Or settling? I do agree many "settle" just cause they do not want to be alone, or they feel they are getting older, need to marry NOW, these are NOT the right reasons to marry another. 


**** MY advice to anyone contemplating marraige is - to sort through these things : 

*What are your Love Languages and what are HIS*? Are they in a similar order? If not, trouble may lie ahead unless you are both SELF-less to a nice degree. 

*How is the Physical attraction?* Strong on both sides I hope. 

* Do you have similar values, interests, hopes & dreams, similar ideas on finances?*

*Do you have Excellent communication skills, a willing transparency in all things? *

... and don't forget those LOVE LANGUAGES -know what each others ARE and vow to always show love in the manner the other desires. 

ANd keep the SPICE , never loose site of each other. (I did that after I had kids for awhile, I regret it)

I did a thread on these Love languages - it has links for tests & the book http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Sadly, I think I married out of need rather than love but am facing the reality and trying to deal with my own issues at this point. How to tell the difference would best come from someone else. I applaud you for asking the question and being willing to assess the situation honestly. Perhaps you have friends who can weigh in based on their observations.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Why can't we need AND be in love at the same time? I'm kind of like your husband in that I'd just come out of a string of bad relationships, had family problems and was ready for a real comittment when I met my now husband. I needed him and loved him all at the same time. I wouldn't have married someone just because I needed him there had to be love as well.

Where I went wrong was I failed to realize how much my husbands feelings were tied to me needing him. Once I got back on my feet, graduated college, started making my own money I no longer needed him. That didn't go over so well. He prefers me needing him.


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

I think "needing" each other is important. But you both have to need each other. If only one is in "need" then there is a power imbalance. 

I think that there is too much focus on independence these days. If more people realized that we as humans are created to work so much better as a team there would be a lot more commitment to working together for the mutual benefit of everyone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Love isn't finding someone you can live with-it's finding someone you can't live without.


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