# discovering and confronting



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would like some input on your experience when confronting your spouse about them screwing around.
For me, I approuched it so unconcerning and matter of factly that my W was left quessing on my emotion at that exact moment. there was no begging or pleading there was no anger and jealasy. I didnt even ask, I just showed what my reseach had found and walked away. I came back a few minute later and then asked the question " do want to stay married" smiled and walked away again. I had distance my self from our marraige and focused on protecting my self that I went back in the room with... I think it was breakfast and turned on the TV, she replied "I did want to stay married", I replied that she needed to stop screwing around, and the rest is much like what I've read on this site. Alot of crying, blaming, excuses, the roller coaster ride of infidelity, but I never faltered in the belief that I had to protect my self. Some say my wife was just a booty call, others say I saved her, and some say she saved me. The reality was I was in self preservation mode and never realy thought about pushing her away or excepting her affairs, I just wanted a change in my life and wanted to see were my wife was at with that..... kind of "take it or leave it", just so unemotional about the whole discusion. I didn't want to give away my emotions, just wanted to know were she was at with the OM. I quess I was some what lucky, she was waiting on me to give a crap.

So my point is; what worked or didn't work for you, regarding the confrontation with your spouse? I see so many begging and pleading and the DS just walking all over them. 


What advise would all of you give to the "new guy" or girl;-)


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This is a good question since hind sight is 20/20. I now know I should have done things differently. I just wish this forum had been here for me in 2006. 

My husband began acting differently towards me in 2006. I now realize that's when he began "testing the waters". At that time our business was still thriving and he wasn't embezzling money to fund his other life. He had not yet even defined his secret life. I wish I could have spotted those infamous "red flags" in 2006.

By 2007 I had plenty of proof my estranged husband was having affairs. Each time I confronted him, he denied his activities and provided plausible reasons. I doubted myself. Things continued to deteriorate until my husband moved out in 2008. Even then he denied his secret life with all the other women. By the middle of 2008 he had financially destroyed us. Like so many on this forum I felt i could win my husband's heart back by being nice. I resorted to begging and pleading. In those days I believe I would have done anything to get my family back. I went this route because I loved my husband too much even after the horrible things he did.

Here it is now at the end of 2010, and I now see I completely handled this situation wrong. I should have hired that PI in 2006 (not 2008). When I found the first concrete piece of evidence my husband was cheating, I should have followed the guidelines provided by sites such as Affaircare (instead of listening to a long string of lies). And finally I should have given him an ultimatum in 2007--either we were going to work on our marriage or I would file for divorce. 

I did learn an important lesson though--never trust a cheater to do the right thing. Give a cheater an inch and they will take a mile. A cheater cares about no one but themselves. I think my advice to others dealing with infidelity now reflects this. You can only save a marriage plagued by infidelity by taking a very tough stand. *the guy*, I admire how you handled your situation. I wish all of us could have your strength.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank you, I feel blessed with regard to where I found that strength.

Thanks for the reply. I just see so many other on TAM/ Coping with infidelity doing the wrong thing and I understand, its so dam emotional


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

the guy said:


> I just see so many other on TAM/ Coping with infidelity doing the wrong thing and I understand, its so dam emotional


So do I! My heart really breaks when I see a betrayed spouse accepting the blame, begging, and pleading. I guess I see myself as having been in those shoes once, and I know where that path leads. That's why I try to always take time to step in and advise others not to go there. Sometimes the poster gets angry, but I understand where they are. It's really tough to love someone so much--and then to show "tough love". My mother always told me to "kill people with kindness" or that " I could catch more flies with honey than vinegar". Obviously these two old adages do not apply to cheaters! lol


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