# Is he sincere?



## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

Hello everyone, 

I deleted my previous threads a few weeks ago. Long story short, I caught my husband of 20 years in an EA with someone he met online through a game and discovered chat logs of him stating how sexy she was and how much he loved her. After I discovered this affair, he left and we were separated for 2 weeks before he came back. He said he left because he was embarrassed of what he did and could not face me. We have talked extensively about this and he has admitted to sending and receiving pictures, but states that it was all just a game he got caught up in and just wanted to see how much he could get away with saying. I do not believe this explanation at all. I feel that it might have started innocently, but he enjoyed the attention from the OW and got caught up in the fog. 

He has been very open with his phone that never used to leave his pocket and seems to be committed to rebuilding our relationship, but I cannot get over the lies. I question everything he says. I question how he could use the words "love" so freely with her, but still mean them when he says them to me. He says he has been NC since my discovery of the affair, but I can't get over being suspicious every time he picks up his phone. I do not believe they ever met in person, but I can't help but think that was just because she lives hours away. He has apologized multiple times, but I can't bring myself to believe his explanation. 

Will we ever be able to rebuild the trust? Will I ever believe anything he says again? Will the words " I love you" ever have meaning again?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Not to make you paranoid, but I might also suggest while he was away he had time to really scrub clean his phone, computer or anything else to keep you from knowing the full truth. How convenient he disappears so suddenly. 

As to trust or faith, there is too much here you do not know to think it will ever come back so welcome to your new marriage- if you decide to live in it.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Very similar story here, only this has happened three times now, once 16 years ago and then twice with the same OW in the last 18 months. The second time was after 8 months of NC. I do feel he is sincere now about it being totally over nad never happening again, but good intentions do not always guarantee it won't ever happen again. If it does he will have to go, and he knows that. 

If I were you I would still be vigilant. If there is not a good final break with them he may get curious as mine did, as to how she is doing. He contacted her just to see and it took off again from there. Be watchful.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You are experiencing the aftermath of a traumatic event it takes time he needs to know this is going to happen. Are you seeing a marriage counselor ? You will regain trust but it take work and time. The events are very recent
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Sorry mintypeas, but another person you are emotionally attached to does not just 'leave your mind' upon discovery of the cheating. Utterly foolish to believe that. Sorry. Not that it is necessarily sinister in any way, but that is a lie in order to avoid the feelings and discussion of ow, and to display total dedication to you. It is not the truth though.

As for trust, give it time. Your gut will tell you what's what. For me, at 2 weeks post DD I was just about to begin coming out of the numb zombie stage. 3 months was when the terrible pain was to begin the starting to understand phase. 6 months was more understanding the situation and less pain. 1 year was a huge turning point of acceptance and how to move on. 

Hope that helps.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And yes, if he deals with this correctly then you should be able to trust him again (to an extent. Trust will never be the same again....but that is probably a positive thing!) and 'I love you' will be returned to you. Give it time.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

Thank you all for giving me a glimmer of hope. I do not believe I will every completely trust again, but I can't stand the roller coaster. I can be having a great day and then he'll pick up his phone and it just brings everything right back. He usually does show me the texts or uses speaker phone, but I then feel guilty that somehow I'm invading his privacy. I am also constantly wondering how I compare to her. I have constant thoughts of...Is she prettier than me? Is she young?? Does he think of her while he's with me? Does he miss talking to her? He has always told me I was sexy, but now that I know he also told her that...those words don't mean anything to me.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It's a process, and for the record people seem do downgrade by far, I'm sure she is not only skankier than anyone you know, but uglier, fattter and because it was online it could have been a 40 year old bald guy living in his parernts basement.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

mablenc said:


> You are experiencing the aftermath of a traumatic event it takes time he needs to know this is going to happen. Are you seeing a marriage counselor ? You will regain trust but it take work and time. The events are very recent
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are not seeing a marriage counselor, which I know is probably a big mistake, but I really don't think he would open up to a counselor anyway.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

mablenc said:


> It's a process, and for the record people seem do downgrade by far, I'm sure she is not only skankier than anyone you know, but uglier, fattter and because it was online it could have been a 40 year old bald guy living in his parernts basement.


That is actually funny, because he said he didn't send her real pictures of him, just ones he got online somewhere.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

I'm so confused I don't know what to think. He has been acting so happy lately and says it's because we've connected again and I so want to believe him, but I just can't. He comes straight home from work, does not keep his phone in his pocket at all at home anymore, and holds my hand and touches me all the time. We are practically glued at the hip whenever he is home, but I just can't shake the paranoia. I am constantly thinking that somehow the OW is making him so happy. He continues to say he has had no contact with her, but he also said he wasn't hiding anything or talking to anyone when I suspected it before. He is open with his phone, but I know there are numerous ways of communicating if they really wanted to. Am I just paranoid?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Get a VAR and velcro it in his car. After a week, you'll know if he's talking to her.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

It probably is time to put the emotion aside and be stealthy on your part. Quietly gather more evidence as described on TAM. Let his actions speak for him.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

I hacked into my husband's game that he used to chat with people on his phone and found a message from the OW that he had not read referring to something on my Facebook. Since he hadn't read the message and it was about one of our kids, I don't think he is talking to her. I am sure she would tell him directly if they were...I guess I'm hoping anyway. He doesn't know that I hacked it and he doesn't have the app on his phone anymore. What has me concerned now is she must be Facebook stalking me...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The other woman is still in the game. Whether he is or not is the question. Recovering from an affair is not quick nor is it easy. Because there are no guarantees.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

checkingout said:


> I hacked into my husband's game that he used to chat with people on his phone and found a message from the OW that he had not read referring to something on my Facebook. Since he hadn't read the message and it was about one of our kids, I don't think he is talking to her. I am sure she would tell him directly if they were...I guess I'm hoping anyway. He doesn't know that I hacked it and he doesn't have the app on his phone anymore. What has me concerned now is she must be Facebook stalking me...


Hide your information from anyone that is not friended on your account, so that she can't "stalk" you anymore. If it continues then, she is doing it through his account, and that is something that needs to be addressed ASAP.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> Hide your information from anyone that is not friended on your account, so that she can't "stalk" you anymore. If it continues then, she is doing it through his account, and that is something that needs to be addressed ASAP.


I had almost everything hidden, except for one picture of my son's new tattoo and that is what she commented about. My husband does not have a Facebook. I am almost positive that is where she saw the picture since I did have it public for a while, but there are only 2 ways she could have seen it. She had to have seen it there or he sent her a picture, but I would think she would have responded to him directly if he did. He did tell her he wasn't going to be talking to her anymore, but why won't she just go away?? Why the hell would she check my Facebook??? I keep seeing images of stalkers and boiling bunnies!!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Give it time. And patience. For him. Keep an eye on things and check he is true to his word.

As for her, return a message as if from your husband and tell her to fu*k right off....but in a lot more words! Use very flowery language. And get personal (slightly)! Revenge is best served cold, so make your message, hold on for a few days and when in a good mood, read, adjust, and send. 

And just make sure you let your husband know in case there are any repurcussions. And....make sure he better say 'yes, I wrote that' if the situation ever arises. Better still, write it together. 

If a rude fu*k off isn't your cup of tea, then just stick to a no contact letter that he writes, with you, and send. Make sure you are happy with the content.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

Remains said:


> Give it time. And patience. For him. Keep an eye on things and check he is true to his word.
> 
> As for her, return a message as if from your husband and tell her to fu*k right off....but in a lot more words! Use very flowery language. And get personal (slightly)! Revenge is best served cold, so make your message, hold on for a few days and when in a good mood, read, adjust, and send.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I think this is what I need to do now. I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to forgive him. I am questioning everything now and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I'm now worried about things that happened many, many years ago and wondering if there was more to it than I know. I have now discovered that he was texting someone he knew from work, but "just as friends". I seriously don't know if I can do this.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

Is it normal for the WS to become super clingy? My husband has been texting me every 1 to 2 hours, wants to go with me if I just have to run to the store after he gets home, and follows me around the house if I leave the room for more than 5 minutes. He has been telling me all the sweet things that I wanted him to say for 20 years and I wish I could say it makes me feel loved, but I feel numb. I know I should be happy that he comes straight home after work and is very attentive, but I need some time to think things through.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

checkingout said:


> Is it normal for the WS to become super clingy?


Yup! My wife compared me to our clingy rescue dog while she was shunning me during her A. She asked me to stop texing or calling her while she was at work or on her way home.

Post d-day...she was a texting me constantly. She was so clingy on a work trip that my supervisor had to tell me she was not invited back. Lol!

The funny thing is that the attention you always wanted now feels like a wet blanket. Yuck! It comes from a dark hearted person. It seems to be motivated by their fear, not their their love.

Good luck in your journey!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I hate typos! Lol!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

checkingout said:


> Is it normal for the WS to become super clingy? My husband has been texting me every 1 to 2 hours, wants to go with me if I just have to run to the store after he gets home, and follows me around the house if I leave the room for more than 5 minutes. He has been telling me all the sweet things that I wanted him to say for 20 years and I wish I could say it makes me feel loved, but I feel numb. I know I should be happy that he comes straight home after work and is very attentive, but I need some time to think things through.



Maybe he doesn't think that he is being clingy, but rather trying to show you that he has changed and is thinking about you. I had a therapist recommend (and have seen it recommended on TAM) that during R the person needs to show the same amount of attention to their spouse that they used to show to their AP. One way to do this is (and to show they are not cheating) is to make contact throughout the day, so the BS feels that the WS is making an effort.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> I hate typos! Lol!


Lol! I actually missed it the first time, so I had to go back and look for it.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> Maybe he doesn't think that he is being clingy, but rather trying to show you that he has changed and is thinking about you. I had a therapist recommend (and have seen it recommended on TAM) that during R the person needs to show the same amount of attention to their spouse that they used to show to their AP. One way to do this is (and to show they are not cheating) is to make contact throughout the day, so the BS feels that the WS is making an effort.


I'm sure this is his reasoning and I don't want to ruin how things have been going by telling him I need some space. It is strange that all the things I wanted for so long are now annoyances.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

checkingout said:


> I'm sure this is his reasoning and I don't want to ruin how things have been going by telling him I need some space. It is strange that all the things I wanted for so long are now annoyances.


I sympathize with you and think this is what I want from my wife as well (although I have not gotten it yet) but can see where once I get it, I could start to resent it.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

It's been 3-1/2 months since Dday and although I have seen some progress, I can't get over the obsessive need to know the details. I actually messaged the OW yesterday and she denied talking to him in over a year even after I told her I had their chat logs from March. I told her I wasn't judging her and that my husband chose to do what he did, but she still denied everything. The only thing she did admit to was looking at my Facebook and when asked, her reason was that she was just looking for a picture of me. When I asked her why she would be looking for a picture of me if they hadn't talked in a year, she stuck with her story. 

He has told me repeatedly that it was just a game that he let go too far and that towards the end he was trying to distance himself, but was afraid that she was going to tell me. He says that he didn't mean anything he said to her and they were only words, but it makes it really hard to know what he really does mean. He has told me numerous times since that he only wants me and that he wants to die old together, but there is always doubt in my mind. 

When we decided to R, we promised no more lies and he told me he didn't video chat or send real pictures of himself, but I've found out that wasn't true. It seems like that lie hurt even more than Dday because of the promise we made. I know he got stuck in string of lies that he probably didn't see a way out of without lying more and I often wonder if it's even possible for him stop lying now or if it's part of who he is.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<< He usually does show me the texts or uses speaker phone, but I then feel guilty that somehow I'm invading his privacy.>>

Do not feel guilty for invading his privacy. He has lost all rights to privacy now. I check my H's phone/email etc. whenever I feel the need. He knows this. I have access to everything.

It's how you begin to trust again. Each time you check and there is nothing new to find, he earns a little more trust back from you.
After a while you get tired of looking with nothing to see and you go longer in between checking.

My H understands and is willing to do anything I need to heal. You are taking back your life, you are in charge of what you need to know now, don't be ashamed of it. We are close to 4 months since D Day now and it gets better, as long as your H keeps up his end of the bargain.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

checkingout said:


> He says that he didn't mean anything he said to her and they were only words, but it makes it really hard to know what he really does mean.


I think this is a key element that he has to understand. He invalidated the words he uses with you when he used them with her. He did this with his own actions and he will have to make it right with his own actions.

He needs to make those words mean something genuine to you again by proving himself with his actions. Those actions include complete, verified 'no contact' with the other woman, complete transparency with everything, respectful interactions, giving up the gaming that got him in trouble, reading some of the recommended literature here on how to reconcile, and seeking counseling for himself. Actions to make the words mean something again.


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