# Before you decide to leave. Read my story



## Imadeamistake

Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.

Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.

Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.

During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party. 

Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.

We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.

Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me. 

But now its different.

We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me. 

I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol. 

All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids. 

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me. 

I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.

Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other. 

In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore." 

I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well. 

Why live this lie anymore I thought. 

Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork. 

During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening. 

Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.

My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.

Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me. 

I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing. 

As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.

Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me. 

Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it. 

It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child. 

It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do. 

I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.

I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish. 

My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together. 

Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now. 

I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized. 

What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life. 

He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.

I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help. 

So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.

I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now. 

Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin. 

Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well. 

So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.


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## underwater2010

I am so sorry to hear that things turned out they way they have. Hopefully the both of you can come together enough to raise the kids. Thank you for sharing your story. And hopefully other people that think an affair is even a remote possibility will take the time to read this and stop. It DOES NOT solve any issues. It brings pain to all people involved wither that be the WS(s), BS(s) or AP. Even when couples stay together after an affair it is never the same.


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## bandit.45

This the best post from a wayward I've ever read. They should post this at the top of the CWI forum as required reading. 

It took a lot of courage to post your story. My hat's off to you. But get ready to be slammed from some of the other members here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OzyMan

You sound like a little bit of a nicer version of my W. Thanks for sharing your story. 

The FOG you speak of is so damaging and ruins many families nowadays. If only more people viewed marriage with more commitment, these things would be more few and far between.


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## The-Deceived

Sorry to say this, but I'm glad for your husband he moved on. You treated him worse than sh*t on your shoe.

I hope his new woman shows him the love he deserves.

Poor man.


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## DavidWYoung

Thank you for being honest.


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## 3putt

bandit.45 said:


> This the best post from a wayward I've ever read. They should post this at the top of the CWI forum as required reading.
> 
> It took a lot of courage to post your story. My hat's off to you. But get ready to be slammed from some of the other members here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think she'll get too beat up (at least I hope not). This is probably the most remorseful out-of-the-gate posting I've ever witnessed first hand.

And I agree...this one will be around for a while.

So sorry for what has happened, IMAM.


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## C-man

Should be required reading by any WS.

Of course, as you point out in your post - the LAST thing a WS wants to hear is how they are "fogged up". So showing your post to a WS who is in the fog will not do anything to break the fog and would likely push them further away. 

But thank you for sharing!


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## Hardtohandle

I don't think anyone can say anything worse then how this person feels now.


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## Ikaika

bandit.45 said:


> This the best post from a wayward I've ever read. They should post this at the top of the CWI forum as required reading.
> 
> It took a lot of courage to post your story. My hat's off to you. But get ready to be slammed from some of the other members here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally agree about this being a must read. In spite of your pain, thank you Imadeamistake for posting this story.


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## John2012

Perfect flow-chart of how an affair starts and ends !!! Thanks for posting. Painful to read though !!! Hope time will heal you.


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## Disenchanted

Are you a WW?

Yup, you'll do it again someday.


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## CH

And that is why the LS should always leave after you've given them their chance to come back.

Sad story but the husband made the right choice in this case and it should always be this choice IMO. If you're given that one chance to go back and make it work and you throw it in their face, tough.

Some are lucky and have someone who would wait an eternity for their spouse to come back. Sucks to be the LS in that case but it's their life and that's what they want I give them props for having such a huge heart.

Sorry but if someone kicks me in the nuts and I forgive them and they kick me a 2nd time. Screw that, not going to chance getting kicked a 3rd time.

OP, you've learned a huge lesson and hopefully it carry over to your next relationship and help you. We learn from our mistakes, or we should learn from our mistakes.


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## C-man

There was a thread about realistic movies about infidelity. The OP recommended "Take This Waltz". Great movie which shows how the "unfulfilled" WS was seeking something "shiny and new". She develops and EA with a neighbor and leaves after DDay. It shows how, in her fog of her new romance, the POSOM seems to be everything she needs. In the end, the "shiny and new" loses its lustre and the WS is back to square one, regretting leaving her husband.

Reading the OP's post reminded me of this movie.


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## SaltInWound

Imadeamistake said:


> The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me.
> 
> I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.


I want to thank you for your honesty. Especially this part of your post. I have been reading this board for several weeks and the first advice they tell a BS is to not beg, cry, etc. Just do the 180 and act strong. Getting inside the mind of a WS to understand why is tremendously helpful. 

Again, thank you for your honesty, but can you imagine how awful it is that someone crushes your heart, and then calls you a pest and annoying? That would be like someone stabbing you, then yelling at you for getting blood on the floor.


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## C-man

Imadeamistake: What do you think your husband could have done which might have saved the relationship? In the fog - when you are acting ultra-selfishly, what could you husband have done differently? Anything? Or was separation inevitable?


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## MovingAhead

I am truly very sorry for you and your EX husband. We all make mistakes and you understand what the pain is. My EX is coming out of her fog. I like your husband reached a point of no return. The fog is amazingly powerful. I'm sorry you didn't see things clearly when you were in it. God bless you.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Wow, that is the perfect insight into why the 180 is a helpful step. I've been reading for a long time, but it is always from the BS' point of view. To hear a WS actually say "annoying and a pest" when we have MULTIPLE threads of men saying "I am begging, crying, pleading, screaming, chasing and you posters are wrong about the 180" is very helpful.

Very good post.


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## gfl

amazing post i needed that ...thank you !!


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## 3putt

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Wow, that is the perfect insight into why the 180 is a helpful step. I've been reading for a long time, but it is always from the BS' point of view. To hear a WS actually say "annoying and a pest" when we have MULTIPLE threads of men saying "I am begging, crying, pleading, screaming, chasing and you posters are wrong about the 180" is very helpful.
> 
> Very good post.


Well, another helpful step would've been to nuke the affair, but it would appear no effort was made in regards to exposure. If he knew about "the fog", then I'm almost certain he knew about exposure as well, but didn't pull the pin on that grenade for reasons unknown.

Sounds like all he did was try to educate a wayward, and we all know how fruitless _that_ is.


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## cj9947

Thank you for your insight. I hope you heal. I think as time goes by you will further appreciate how "good" a man your husband is. The pain he must have endured through all this...I get a pain in my heart when I think of what cheating spouses waste...and for what?


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## Nunya Biznas

So...have you given up? Again? 

As mentioned by others, you put this man through hell. I mean, you divorced his a$$ for pity's sake! Surely you understood when you decided that you wanted to reconcile that he most likely wouldn't jump at your very first offer. Once bitten twice shy and all that. 

A cheating spouse has a lot of trust to regain before the relationship can become secure again. A cheating spouse who refused to change, continued the affair, went through with divorce and only saw the error of her ways after being dumped by her (what turned out to be) fling, needs to be prepared to...? Man, I don't know. But I'm willing to concede that it's possible. And if acheived, who can deny that it would have been worth it?

My very personal and very humble opinion would be to set up your own hoops and light them on fire yourself and then just start jumping through them. If it wins your husband back, fine and well, but do it more because you owe it to him. Whether or not he takes you back you owe it to him and your kids to make a jackass out of yourself trying. But most important, do it for yourself. It may be too little too late, but don't you at least want to be able to say that you tried? I mean an honest, gut wrenching, soul searing attempt. People looking back on this should see your efforts to reconcile as more memorable than what came before. And then you will be able to say, with a tear in your eye but with your head held high, "I'm ashamed of destroying my family but proud of myself for doing all I could to salvage it."


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## Thoreau

So now, just weeks after your knight in shining armor dumped your azz, you have seen the light and the error of your ways. Baloney. Enjoy your pathetic life. I wish your husband all the happiness in the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

If your husband was on this board and got advice here, I would like to see his side of how things developed and his attempts to win you back before finally throwing in the towel.

You have some growing to do - please continue your personal growrh. That's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Don't jump into another relationship until you are ready. And when you do, be sure to do a thorough background check on your man before you get too serious.


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## WyshIknew

However Imadeamistake, would you not still be with Jim if he hadn't been unreasonable about your ill son and other issues.

Not only did you destroy your husband with your two affairs, having destroyed him you waited until he had moved on and started to make a new life for himself and then you decided to twist the knife yet again by wanting him to forgive and forget and take you back.

I am not being intentionally mean but I do find it difficult to feel sorry for you. However I do hope that you learn from this and carry it forward into a possible future relationship.

As a little glimmer of hope for you I would ask you to look up two threads by a poster called rookie4. His wife betrayed him, realised she had made a mistake and tried to get back with him. It was too late, he had moved on. Now, a few years later they are well on the way to reconciling.


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## Ovid

3putt said:


> Well, another helpful step would've been to nuke the affair, but it would appear no effort was made in regards to exposure. If he knew about "the fog", then I'm almost certain he knew about exposure as well, but didn't pull the pin on that grenade for reasons unknown.
> 
> Sounds like all he did was try to educate a wayward, and we all know how fruitless _that_ is.


It sounds like he was trying to nice her out of the A. 

This post makes me so glad my first reaction to the A was to tell my W I didn't want to see her ever again.


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## sharkeey

Imadeamistake said:


> All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is.
> 
> The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this.


See this is why the betrayed spouse needs to kick the cheater to the curb from day one and get on with their lives. Forget about begging, pleading, compromising, transparency, exposure, affair busting, etc.

Once you find out they're cheating, kick them to the freaking curb and go live your own life. Complete 180 and don't look back, at LEAST for a few months. 

If they start to show real remorse, then maybe you can reconsider down the line. You always have the option to take them back but chasing them to try to win them over has the opposite effect

Folks, you read it through the eyes of a remorseful cheater, it doesn't get any better than this.


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## Jeffery

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61712-could-you-reconcile.html?highlight=rookie

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64615-yes-i-can.html?highlight=rookie

Imadeamistake If you are still around, please take the time to read the two threads that i have posted links to. Not sure if it will help but maybe it could give you some hope.

Sorry to say this but your EX did the right thing. giving your self to another man should always be a deal breaker. If you think about it you only started looking at your ex as an option AFTER you were dumped.

The odds are that you will someday do this again to someone else especially if you just settle. Even the most remorseful WW is at about 80% odds to repeat this behavior. You are no different


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## chillymorn

sounds like a hit and run from the karma Bus!


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## bfree

No bashing from me. Just sadness. This is why we always recommend blowing up the affair in order to break the wayward out of the fog. Had your husband done that maybe things could have turned out differently. But the BS is under no obligation to try to save the WS. Maybe this is for the best.....for him.


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## The Middleman

No bashing from me either because it's clear life has bashed you pretty good. Unfortunately, you have to sleep in the bed that you made. Your husband did the right thing for himself by leaving you and not trying to reconcile after multiple DDays. I am happy that you posted your story so that Wives an Husbands alike can see the horror that will result down the road when a person treats a family as disposable.


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## phillybeffandswiss

3putt said:


> Well, another helpful step would've been to nuke the affair, but it would appear no effort was made in regards to exposure. If he knew about "the fog", then I'm almost certain he knew about exposure as well, but didn't pull the pin on that grenade for reasons unknown.


 True. We also know people sat that "we" are wrong and "their" experience will be different. There are many threads where the BS backslides and then wonders why it doesn't work. 


> Sounds like all he did was try to educate a wayward, and we all know how fruitless _that_ is.


Or she left that part out.


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## CantSitStill

I'm glad you wrote this and I hope people thinking about cheating will see this. It is so true that you cannot nice someone out of an affair and to come back to you. I know this because I was kicked out. I am back with my husband but I believe him kicking me out and cutting me off was the best way to wake me up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

btw I am very lucky to have this chance with him. It's been a year since d-day and I am still fighting for him. Yes we are together but that doesn't mean he's happy. The BS fights so hard to get the WS back and once they get them back then the reality and pain sets in and it doesn't go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm

I would really like to hear from the OP in regards to anything her husband could have done to stop her.

If he did the 180 at the start, would she have not left?

My guess is she would have left anyhow. She was in love with the OM. She would have torn his heart out anyhow. She would have ruined the family anyhow.


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## snap

The scary part is I can name a handful forum members off top of my head who could be your husband.

We should make it mandatory reading here.


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## TheGoodFight

I'm not sure this story is real. For one thing, I think it plays on the emotions of a BS. A story of karma and all that. That said, the story line is typical.


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## Phenix70

The only person I feel sorry for is your husband, he suffered for YOU because he wasn't giving you enough attention, you said so yourself.
Instead of putting on your big girl panties & working through whatever issues you thought you had, you went & screwed around with another man.
Not an ounce of sympathy do I feel for you, I hope that you spend the rest of your life regretting the CHOICE you made.
Because you made a CHOICE not a mistake, be clear on that!


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Damn, I think my ex found this site and is putting our business in the street for all to see.

But seriously, except for the part about moving in with the OM and a few other discrepancies, this could've been written by my ex.

I look at her and I can see how unhappy she must be to have given up her family. (At least, that's what I see.)

She had a great life and family and gave it all up to live the single life. But the shine on her new life appears to be wearing off.

I knew that I was finally healing when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and actually began to feel sorry for her.


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## dogman

The truth is this is the best example of the husband being plan B.

It didn't work out with the OM and she runs back to the fallback guy. He was right to say no because she is unstable and can't guarantee she won't waffle again when life gets into a rut.

Sorry OP, for your pain but there's more pain to come while you do what your husband had to do. Work on yourself to be a hole person without a spouse. Only then can you be a good partner.


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## doc_martin

well, I'm glad it was written. Fake or otherwise. I smile to think there may be one WS who wakes up from the fog to realize what a complete wasteland they created when they nuked their family out of pure selfishness. 

I also agree it's good to see the undertones of the story. The BS who tried everything to nice the affair to be over. The fact that the BS became plan B to the affair. The fact that his every attempt to "fix" the marriage was met with contempt.

It also shows to some degree the truth that all of us BS go through in this. Personally, I feel that the BS grows much more as a result of the affair and aftermath than the WS does. If the marriage is reconciled, the growth of the WS is truncated at some point less than full internal recovery and maturity, and this is why I think the cheater has such a tough time resisting this same type of temptation in the future. Whereas the BS, once they move on, have grown immensely from where they started from. They have had to!


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## Garry2012

I am sorry about your story...truly. Me and my STBXW are getting divorced, she is having an EA/PA. I am like your husband...i have tried and tried to no avail to let her know what she is doing, to stop, to think...anything. We had a good relationship etc, but she just wants out. I may copy your story and send it to her, as i know this is her/our future...but most likely she wont read it. I too will be hard pressed to ever put my heart back in the hands of the woman i once adored, but who crushed me. Your whole story is like mine. She met someone else, sleeps in another bedroom and gave me the ILYBNIWY speech. We have 3 kids, and 13 years of marriage. I did anything i could for her. Obiviously i missed something.Thank you for sharing your story..and again im sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## jameskimp

Story sounds a bit too perfect to be true but nonetheless, I will give the benefit of the doubt. You finally got to see the consequences of your actions, and I commend the courage it took to post this as well. 

You got what exactly you deserved though. No pity from me, but praise for the realization.


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## tom67

Garry2012 said:


> I am sorry about your story...truly. Me and my STBXW are getting divorced, she is having an EA/PA. I am like your husband...i have tried and tried to no avail to let her know what she is doing, to stop, to think...anything. We had a good relationship etc, but she just wants out. I may copy your story and send it to her, as i know this is her/our future...but most likely she wont read it. I too will be hard pressed to ever put my heart back in the hands of the woman i once adored, but who crushed me. Your whole story is like mine. She met someone else, sleeps in another bedroom and gave me the ILYBNIWY speech. We have 3 kids, and 13 years of marriage. I did anything i could for her. Obiviously i missed something.Thank you for sharing your story..and again im sorry you find yourself in this situation.


garry send it


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## SaltInWound

Garry2012 said:


> Your whole story is like mine. She met someone else, sleeps in another bedroom *and gave me the ILYBNIWY speech*. We have 3 kids, and 13 years of marriage. I did anything i could for her. Obiviously i missed something.


My husband of almost 22 years went hard core with the heart shredder. He gave me the "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for a long time" speech. 

I'm hoping the driver of the karma bus will hit him, put it in reverse, then put it in drive again.


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## bigtone128

Imadeamistake said:


> It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do.
> 
> I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.
> 
> I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish.
> 
> My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together.
> 
> Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now.
> 
> I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized.
> 
> What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life.
> 
> He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.
> 
> I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help.
> 
> So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.
> 
> I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now.
> 
> Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin.
> 
> Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well.
> 
> So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.


Wow - quite a post. I commend your therapist for recommending this site. reassuring for me as I often wonder if my ex will eventually see the light...not sure as she is the type to think she is right all the time. 

But I do hope the fog lifts for my ex...I have been getting strange intuitions that the fog has lifted for my ex but who knows? I always hope for her sake the truth will hit her...but once again who knows?

Here is a question for you - did you have any enablers in your affair? that is, close friends who listened to you bad-mouthing your husband and encouraging you on in the affair? I think in order to do what you did, you needed help? At least that is my experience with my ex. do you still hang out with these firends? because these are poison to you and you should ecognize that. I am 1000 miles away from my ex but when I hear she is hanging out with the same loser friends who egged her on in her affair, I know she hasnt changed much.


----------



## Garry2012

SaltInWound said:


> My husband of almost 22 years went hard core with the heart shredder. He gave me the "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for a long time" speech.
> 
> I'm hoping the driver of the karma bus will hit him, put it in reverse, then put it in drive again.


Yeah, my anger stage was that way. I still get a little bit angry if i engage her for kids etc., but i am best off just moving along. If its a fog, thats how they justify it. Your H feels better by saying that, justifies his actions.


----------



## Juicer

And this is why we tell new BS to pull a 180. 

Her husband did not, and surprise! It drove her into the arms of her AP. 
Then when he finally started moving on, she started wanting him back. A lot of fresh BS could learn a lot from this, and it would help them understand why the 180 is the recommended action. 

Garry, how long did it take for your anger to go away?


----------



## Garry2012

bigtone128 said:


> Here is a question for you - did you have any enablers in your affair? that is, close friends who listened to you bad-mouthing your husband and encouraging you on in the affair? I think in order to do what you did, you needed help? At least that is my experience with my ex. do you still hang out with these firends? because these are poison to you and you should ecognize that. I am 1000 miles away from my ex but when I hear she is hanging out with the same loser friends who egged her on in her affair, I know she hasnt changed much.


It would seem that the WS just convinces the "enablers" that what she/he said is true. They dont know much different. So they support them.


----------



## Jasel

Garry2012 said:


> I am sorry about your story...truly. Me and my STBXW are getting divorced, she is having an EA/PA. I am like your husband...i have tried and tried to no avail to let her know what she is doing, to stop, to think...anything. We had a good relationship etc, but she just wants out. I may copy your story and send it to her, as i know this is her/our future...but most likely she wont read it. I too will be hard pressed to ever put my heart back in the hands of the woman i once adored, but who crushed me. Your whole story is like mine. She met someone else, sleeps in another bedroom and gave me the ILYBNIWY speech. We have 3 kids, and 13 years of marriage. I did anything i could for her. Obiviously i missed something.Thank you for sharing your story..and again im sorry you find yourself in this situation.


You should let her learn the hard way.


----------



## Garry2012

Juicer said:


> And this is why we tell new BS to pull a 180.
> 
> Her husband did not, and surprise! It drove her into the arms of her AP.
> Then when he finally started moving on, she started wanting him back. A lot of fresh BS could learn a lot from this, and it would help them understand why the 180 is the recommended action.
> 
> Garry, how long did it take for your anger to go away?


2-3 weeks i suppose for the BAD anger to leave. I was happy to me angry..i was in the sad/depressed stage..so it was an improvement. 

I did the 180..it helped to justify her actions. as in "look he doesnt care anyway".

I still get angry or sad here and there...but much more fleeting and not as bad.


----------



## Garry2012

Jasel said:


> You should let her learn the hard way.


Its out of my hands anyway...she will.


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## Garry2012

Overall its a good story to hear, not sure anyone can actually get through to someone in the fog. They seem to view their situation as "different" than everyone else. thoughts?


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## CantSitStill

I noticed the OP hasn't been here since she posted that, hope she comes back to see what you all have been through. I feel awful for all of you, I'm not sure my husband can ever feel "normal" again. Please don't beat me up..I understand you all are in pain and it's hard to hold back the anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah, my anger stage was that way. I still get a little bit angry if i engage her for kids etc., but i am best off just moving along. If its a fog, thats how they justify it. Your H feels better by saying that, justifies his actions.


Dear Garry, 

My husband is the ultimate coward. I had to come stateside for medical treatment for some serious problems. While here, he cut off the money I needed for a plane ticket home and when I asked him where the money went, he cut off communication. He came for a "visit", and when he came to bed he put his back to me and in the dark gave me the speech. Then he got out of bed and demanded to be taken to the airport. I did, just to get rid of him. After an hour of silence in the car, he turned to me and lovingly said "Thank You". I never looked at him and he said it again. I wanted to spit on him. I'm not a $5 wh*re. 

Since then, he has unplugged the phones and refuses to answer e-mails. Yes, I hate him and wish he would die. I could have f^cking cancer. Biopsy is in a few months after the nodules grow a bit more. To think I tried to spare him worry during the summer by telling him I did not have cancer. I found out through a mutual friend that after I left, he moved the OW into our home and he has been bragging about it. I hope the karma bus spins its back tires and snags his intestines. This anger will never end.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, your therapist is right. At some point you need to heal and move on. You have to forgive yourself so that you can have a life. I mean, it sounds like your exH is going to be all right, so you shouldn't ruin yet another life (your own) by punishing yourself. The thing is, it sounds like you never learned how to be happy on your own, which is something you need to be doing even in a marriage. To dance with someone, you need to be on your own axis, otherwise there is unbalance and botched communications and dependencies that are unhealthy. This can be fixed through therapy, but it usually also takes some kind of a wake-up call. Don't waste your wake-up call. 

Print out all the positive things people say to you, even if it's embedded in a slew of negative, and make it in large text in a word processor, print it out and put it near your bathroom mirror. Read while brushing teeth 2x day. It should help.

One other thing you can do is to ask your friends to honestly assess your blind spots about yourself, so that you can work on your weaknesses you might not know about and strengthen your strengths which I'm sure you have but are perhaps undervaluing at this point.

Kudos to you for keeping your son when he was sick. I would have done the same thing, and it's a good opportunity for you to have 1-1 time with a child and your ex the same with the other child. Maybe make it a habit now, don't wait for a kid to be sick.


----------



## Garry2012

SaltInWound said:


> Dear Garry,
> 
> My husband is the ultimate coward. I had to come stateside for medical treatment for some serious problems. While here, he cut off the money I needed for a plane ticket home and when I asked him where the money went, he cut off communication. He came for a "visit", and when he came to bed he put his back to me and in the dark gave me the speech. Then he got out of bed and demanded to be taken to the airport. I did, just to get rid of him. After an hour of silence in the car, he turned to me and lovingly said "Thank You". I never looked at him and he said it again. I wanted to spit on him. I'm not a $5 wh*re.
> 
> Since then, he has unplugged the phones and refuses to answer e-mails. Yes, I hate him and wish he would die. I could have f^cking cancer. Biopsy is in a few months after the nodules grow a bit more. To think I tried to spare him worry during the summer by telling him I did not have cancer. I found out through a mutual friend that after I left, he moved the OW into our home and he has been bragging about it. I hope the karma bus spins its back tires and snags his intestines. This anger will never end.


Well that is a severe case for sure.


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## Garry2012

So, Imadeamistake, i assume you have poured your heart out to your ex? I would think it would help with moving on. 

I will never be "friends" again with my x, but when she comes clean and exits the fog, i think a full confession, apology etc would go a long way to moving on/closing the door on the past.


----------



## Lucianne

Thank you so much for posting this....gives me a lot to think about. My h and I are going through a really rough spot and I am trying so hard to talk to him. I finally messaged him that I was done, I was tired of the way we were treating each other, it actually opened up lines of communication somewhat. He came to me crying begging to work it out. This is not the first time this has happened though....he stays very self-righteous that he is always right until I get fed up and he pushes me too far. I do not want to lose my family, but it is a vicious cycle. I am very thankful there is not someone else for either of us to cloud our minds but a lot of the emotions are the same.


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## SkaterDad

Man I would love to send this to my stbx/WW. But I digress, it would be a violation of my slow 180, that is now about to be me pushing a divorce thru and selling the house. Like garry2012 the 180 has justified her actions more, and her stubbornness like OP is in her way. I can see it in her eyes (the rare times i see them) and it's pride and sadness. 

Her loss, I could send the piece, but who cares, she'll do it again. SHE can ruin the family and our daughters ideas of it. I'm sure teh OM will make a great "Dad". Too bad he doesn't do any of the stuff my family enjoys. 

I want to feel for the OP, but again, you reap what you sow. I'm hoping my WW can pull her head from her @ss, but she IS a cheater.


----------



## Summer4744

Fake?


----------



## Shaggy

You should post the OM Jim in cheaterville.com so other husbands can avoid having their lives destroyed by him. He's a scumbag who goes after married women and helps break up families. He deserves exposure and he deserves to suffer for his actions,

As for you, it appears you are now realizing the consequences of your choice to lie and betray. Scumbag Jim as moved onto new easy bored prey, and you husband has upgraded companions.

You should sit your children down and teach them the cost of betrayal for the one who chooses to betray. You should also teach the wisdom of not putting up with giving people second chances when they don't deserve them.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thank you for your story, for the honesty and perspective. I hope you will respect your ex husband's current relationship.


----------



## old timer

Excellent post, OP

Thank you foe sharing your feelings - I know it had to be hard


----------



## Lmodel

I'm really trying hard to think of something encouraging to say to you but I just can't. My wife did a similar thing to me after 18 years marriage and it has devastated me. Whilst you stand back and look at your husbands new life and regret your own choices don't forget for one minute the utter pain you caused him not once but twice. 

There's an old saying, when someone shows you who they really are believe them. Your husband finally realised who you are.


----------



## donny64

> Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it.
> 
> It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child.


As you are hopefully fully aware now, "reality" was that "Jim" wanted nothing more to do with you than what fun you could provide him. It had nothing to do with him "not understanding the bond between a parent and a child". It had everything to do with your children getting in the way of his good time. I'd not expect anything else from a man who cheats with a married woman.

He cares not that he helped destroy your marriage. He only cared about getting laid. 

Your story should be a cautionary tale to women and men who want to wander, and fall into the "fog". He was "Mr. Perfect" because he was trying to get laid. When life got in the way of that, he moved on to the next married woman. It is unfortunate you lost a marriage and a good man because of it, but if and when the next one comes along, hopefully you'll be wiser and won't make the same mistake.


----------



## WyshIknew

Imadeamistake said:


> Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.
> 
> Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.
> 
> Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.
> 
> During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party.
> 
> Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.
> 
> We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.
> 
> Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me.
> 
> But now its different.
> 
> We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me.
> 
> I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol.
> 
> All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids.
> 
> The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me.
> 
> I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.
> 
> Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other.
> 
> In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore."
> 
> I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well.
> 
> Why live this lie anymore I thought.
> 
> Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork.
> 
> During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening.
> 
> Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.
> 
> My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.
> 
> Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me.
> 
> I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing.
> 
> As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.
> 
> Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me.
> 
> Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it.
> 
> It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child.
> 
> It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do.
> 
> I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.
> 
> I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish.
> 
> My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together.
> 
> Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now.
> 
> I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized.
> 
> What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life.
> 
> He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.
> 
> I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help.
> 
> So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.
> 
> I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now.
> 
> Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin.
> 
> Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well.
> 
> So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.


Please Imadeamistake do not do this. If you move on to another relationship do it for the right reasons, that you love this new man above all others.

Do you really want to hurt another person? Haven't you hurt enough people? BTW I count you in the total of hurt people.

If you 'settle' or 'compromise' with someone else you are merely storing up more heart ache for later on.

I think you have two options.

Wait for your ex husband, hope the new relationship breaks up and hope your husband takes you back.

Or, once you feel better about yourself start dating and eventually you may meet someone you can love with the same passion you once felt with your husband.


----------



## BjornFree

WyshIknew said:


> If you 'settle' or 'compromise' with someone else you are merely storing up more heart ache for later on.


Translation: There's a high chance that she's going to cheat again because she "settled" and "compromised".

She may be honest but this is not remorse talking. She sounds like every other cake eater who filled their face with so much of the good stuff that in the end both the cake and the icing were long gone. Hope she becomes a better person..


----------



## 2ofus

Thanks for posting your story


----------



## ubercoolpanda

So you realised the grass was not greener on the other side? So you thought hey let me go back to my husband because he's taken me back every other time? Wow. 

I'm sorry but I don't feel sorry for you at all, your husband tried to fix your marriage up so much! Even during counselling you were cheating!!! Wow! I feel sorry for the man. Some of these WS posts shock me. 

I'm happy your ex husband has moved on and I hope he never takes you back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew

BjornFree said:


> Translation: There's a high chance that she's going to cheat again because she "settled" and "compromised".
> 
> She may be honest but this is not remorse talking. She sounds like every other cake eater who filled their face with so much of the good stuff that in the end both the cake and the icing were long gone. Hope she becomes a better person..


Yes, that's more or less what I meant.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

I dont think that she is remorseful, she feel guilty for not dumping OM when she was caught or when her husband caught her for second chance. She feels sorry that OM dumped her. She is sorry that her husband got a younger and more attractive GF. She is sorry that her husband didnt took her back as usually he does for many times. She is sorry that her husband is living happily and the children now realises who wrecked their home. She is only sorry for everything. 
The way she set him for her confession (manipulation?) shows she is one of the most selfish WS seen here on TAM. She is sorry that her husband finally had a back bone and balls.

I am sure you dont know the pain you gave him t through out your *** fest with OM and parading OM infront of your husband.

Epiphany of a cheater when her plan A the knight dumped her.

Realise one thing what you did was not a mistake but a choice, you choose the hell and how can you except happiness there.


----------



## Garry2012

Good people sometimes make bad decisions. She has to sleep in the bed she made, thats for sure, and unfortunately her husband had to deal with it as well. 

As i go through what i think will be the same situation, i do have some small sympathy for my X, and will have more when i have moved on and she is crashing like i did. She is on this drug called a midlife crisis. I know she loved me more than anything, and it was only a year ago. But she has somehow fallen out of reality, become confused, disoriented, and has chosen a life with OM. Like a drug addict, i cant get ANY sense of reality into her head, i just have to let her take her life course...but i wont follow. 

Yeah, I do think in your 30's and 40's, you should certainly know that the beginning of a relationship is different, but that they ALL come to reality sooner or later...and THEN you realize why you chose your ex spouse to begin with.

Everybody needs to grow through these painful times. Im not dead, so i must be growing. My STBXW will be there too someday...i predict 6-12 months out.

Someday I hope to grow enough to forgive. I can never forget because it has changed so much about how i view the world and the people in it.


----------



## Jeffery

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I dont think that she is remorseful, she feel guilty for not dumping OM when she was caught or when her husband caught her for second chance. She feels sorry that OM dumped her. She is sorry that her husband got a younger and more attractive GF. She is sorry that her husband didnt took her back as usually he does for many times. She is sorry that her husband is living happily and the children now realises who wrecked their home. She is only sorry for everything.
> The way she set him for her confession (manipulation?) shows she is one of the most selfish WS seen here on TAM. She is sorry that her husband finally had a back bone and balls.
> 
> *I am sure you dont know the pain you gave him t through out your *** fest with OM and parading OM infront of your husband.*
> 
> Epiphany of a cheater when her plan A the knight dumped her.
> 
> Realise one thing what you did was not a mistake but a choice, you choose the hell and how can you except happiness there.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

SaltInWound said:


> This anger will never end.


Yes, it will. It will turn to sadness, then to pity.


----------



## Garry2012

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Yes, it will. It will turn to sadness, then to pity.


It is healthier to move through the stages of grief. You wont do yourself a favor by staying angry (though I totally understand).


----------



## life101

At least for the sake of your children, don't jump into any new relationship. You are not ready for it. You need intensive counseling to fix yourself. Everyone needs to learn to live on their own at some point of their lives. Unfortunately, you haven't done that yet. Take this as an opportunity to grow into a better and healthier person. Your children deserve it.


----------



## Garry2012

tom67 said:


> garry send it


You know, problem is, my STBXW like the author here, views ANY information I provide as "an attempt to guilt me into staying" (something she told me). Also, sending it seems to be opposite the 180.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Your husband tried to R was willing to accept what had happend and to work forward but:

Quote: As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and *making "love" all the time and all over the place.*

You wonder why your husband is not willing to R, read the above. How in the future could he compete with that knowing you still thought of this wonderful time with Jim. His Triggers after this would be forever.

Why would he want to put himself through the pain of an R when you REJECTED him. He would always know that you are settling for him. As some have said, You cannot unring a bell.

It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.
Honore de Balzac


----------



## Garry2012

rrrbbbttt said:


> You wonder why your husband is not willing to R, read the above. How in the future could he compete with that knowing you still thought of this wonderful time with Jim. His Triggers after this would be forever.
> 
> Why would he want to put himself through the pain of an R when you REJECTED him. He would always know that you are settling for him. As some have said, You cannot unring a bell.


My thoughts exactly. Why go back to try to fix, work through, overcome, and forgive, when i can start new with someone who has NEVER crushed me? I know it happens, but the odds are certainly against it.


----------



## old timer

Garry2012 said:


> My thoughts exactly. Why go back to try to fix, work through, overcome, and forgive, when i can start new with someone who has NEVER crushed me? I know it happens, but the odds are certainly against it.


and *CONTINUES* to crush him.

.


----------



## Garry2012

old timer said:


> and *CONTINUES* to crush him.
> 
> .


Yeah..i would be just waiting for it to happen again. Living on egg shells. No thanks. I would much rather take my chances with a new relaltionship.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah..i would be just waiting for it to happen again. Living on egg shells. *No thanks. I would much rather take my chances with a new relaltionship*.


Just reading my daily dose of TAM, and felt like logging in to this thread to comment...

The quote in bold pretty much is what most of us probably feel when we decide to divorce the WS. 

It is ironic that we are pro marriage, and we also know that divorce is the first step we often must take in order to have the marriage/relationship we desire, after a betrayal.

There is no way to know if we made the right choice to divorce/reconcile, or if the new relationship will be better. 

With that said, I sure am glad that I chose to start fresh! Beats the Hell out of being in limbo! 

Thanks for the great posts!


----------



## Garry2012

Lovemytruck said:


> The quote in bold pretty much is what most of us probably feel when we decide to divorce the WS.
> 
> It is ironic that we are pro marriage, and we also know that divorce is the first step we often must take in order to have the marriage/relationship we desire, after a betrayal.
> 
> There is no way to know if we made the right choice to divorce/reconcile, or if the new relationship will be better.
> 
> With that said, I sure am glad that I chose to start fresh! Beats the Hell out of being in limbo!
> 
> 
> 
> No...we never know. Had i not asked my wife "marriage or divorce" i would have been in limbo for 2013 or longer.
Click to expand...


----------



## Hardtohandle

Like many this story is my story as well. 

I didn't nuke my wife. Honestly I feared that blowing her up would just piss her off so much that she would rake me over the coals just to do it. I figured I should save as much as I could financially if she wasn't seeing clearly. 

I used her guilt to agree to things I don't think she would have agreed to if she was pissed and looking to crush me any way possible to get even more revenge.

I have to say I'm a bit annoyed with myself now thinking that going nuclear might have done something. 

My issue is everyone of her family knows except her mother and father. Like family and relatives do, they stick by her side. They might not agree but she is family and I am not. One cousin already expressed that to me as she heard the real story.

The one thing my MC said to me that people that get back together after such a trauma usually end up stronger because of the reality of what transpired. Over my past few months I did meet a few people that were separate for a year or more and got back together. Which at least lets me know its anything is possible.

Go figure who the fu.k knows what is right anymore.

All I know I just want my kids to grow up with a complete family not some 50/50 setting. Of course I want a wife that really loves me and not one that compromises like this one did.

I just don't get why people are so god dam stupid and just don't listen.


----------



## sandc

Tried to PM the OP but she has aparrently elected to not receive PM's. One can understand why. I have reposted her account in the Life after the Affair thread. 

OP, if you would like me to remove it, please let me know.


----------



## Garry2012

Hardtohandle said:


> Like many this story is my story as well.
> 
> I didn't nuke my wife. Honestly I feared that blowing her up would just piss her off so much that she would rake me over the coals just to do it. I figured I should save as much as I could financially if she wasn't seeing clearly.
> 
> I used her guilt to agree to things I don't think she would have agreed to if she was pissed and looking to crush me any way possible to get even more revenge.
> 
> I have to say I'm a bit annoyed with myself now thinking that going nuclear might have done something.
> 
> My issue is everyone of her family knows except her mother and father. Like family and relatives do, they stick by her side. They might not agree but she is family and I am not. One cousin already expressed that to me as she heard the real story.
> 
> The one thing my MC said to me that people that get back together after such a trauma usually end up stronger because of the reality of what transpired. Over my past few months I did meet a few people that were separate for a year or more and got back together. Which at least lets me know its anything is possible.
> 
> Go figure who the fu.k knows what is right anymore.
> 
> All I know I just want my kids to grow up with a complete family not some 50/50 setting. Of course I want a wife that really loves me and not one that compromises like this one did.
> 
> I just don't get why people are so god dam stupid and just don't listen.


I couldnt say this better myself. I have tried and tried, but everything i do is to no avail, and worse, pushes her away more. I held off and didnt tell her family about OM, because as you say, its her fam not mine. So she spun her tail about us just "fighting all the time" and that gave them the ILYBNILWY speech and they all fell for it hook, line and sinker. One uncle knows the truth as he is currently going through the same thing. The guilt HAS to be eating her alive...she has now pulled the whole family into her lie. Now they dont believe anything i say about her and her activities. Like you, I just wanted my wife back and my kids to keep enjoying the good family life we had. I would love to use her guilt against her, but she is so far into denial, im not sure SHE realizes she is having an affair.


----------



## grizz

You are a horrible woman.


----------



## diwali123

It seems like OP has remorse for not trying to R, but I don't hear remorse for starting the affair, for continuing to talk to the OM during the R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012

So many things to be sorry for. I wouldnt even know where to start with my X when she gets to that point. Might just say "dont bother"...since i am still alive...I dont need you.


----------



## Garry2012

On second thought, write out a long confession and a long apology to the KIDS. They deserve it.


----------



## biola

Nunya Biznas said:


> So...have you given up? Again?
> 
> As mentioned by others, you put this man through hell. I mean, you divorced his a$$ for pity's sake! Surely you understood when you decided that you wanted to reconcile that he most likely wouldn't jump at your very first offer. Once bitten twice shy and all that.
> 
> A cheating spouse has a lot of trust to regain before the relationship can become secure again. A cheating spouse who refused to change, continued the affair, went through with divorce and only saw the error of her ways after being dumped by her (what turned out to be) fling, needs to be prepared to...? Man, I don't know. But I'm willing to concede that it's possible. And if acheived, who can deny that it would have been worth it?
> LOL
> My very personal and very humble opinion would be to set up your own hoops and light them on fire yourself and then just start jumping through them. If it wins your husband back, fine and well, but do it more because you owe it to him. Whether or not he takes you back you owe it to him and your kids to make a jackass out of yourself trying. But most important, do it for yourself. It may be too little too late, but don't you at least want to be able to say that you tried? I mean an honest, gut wrenching, soul searing attempt. People looking back on this should see your efforts to reconcile as more memorable than what came before. And then you will be able to say, with a tear in your eye but with your head held high, "I'm ashamed of destroying my family but proud of myself for doing all I could to salvage it."


Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012

Then be prepared to jump through hoops for a long time even IF he takes you back or considers it.


----------



## Jeffery

Imadeamistake, If you ever come back here what is or was your ex husbands user name


----------



## old_soldier

I've said it before, "when you choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences"; the trouble is, the consequences of one's actions usually effect a whole lot more people than the individule.

Oh yeah, one moe thing, adultery is not a mistake, it is a choice that destroys everyone and everything connected to the affair partners.


----------



## Garry2012

old_soldier said:


> I've said it before, "when you choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences"; the trouble is, the consequences of one's actions usually effect a whole lot more people than the individule.
> 
> Oh yeah, one moe thing, adultery is not a mistake, it is a choice that destroys everyone and everything connected to the affair partners.


Seems like it is termed a "mistake" because then it doesnt seem so bad...and puts the "over reaction" back onto the BS. IE...we all make mistakes....(i heard that one already too by my WS).


----------



## old timer

Garry2012 said:


> Seems like it is termed a "mistake" because then it doesnt seem so bad...and puts the "over reaction" back onto the BS. IE...we all make mistakes....(i heard that one already too by my WS).


Infidelity is a mistake which we cheaters choose to make.


----------



## Ever-Man

Imadeamistake said:


> Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.
> 
> Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.
> 
> Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.
> 
> During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party.
> 
> Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.
> 
> We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.
> 
> Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me.
> 
> But now its different.
> 
> We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me.
> 
> I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol.
> 
> All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids.
> 
> The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me.
> 
> I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.
> 
> Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other.
> 
> In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore."
> 
> I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well.
> 
> Why live this lie anymore I thought.
> 
> Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork.
> 
> During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening.
> 
> Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.
> 
> My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.
> 
> Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me.
> 
> I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing.
> 
> As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.
> 
> Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me.
> 
> Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it.
> 
> It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child.
> 
> It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do.
> 
> I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.
> 
> I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish.
> 
> My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together.
> 
> Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now.
> 
> I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized.
> 
> What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life.
> 
> He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.
> 
> I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help.
> 
> So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.
> 
> I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now.
> 
> Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin.
> 
> Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well.
> 
> So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.



My wife left me for another man, started seeing him while we were married and was CRUEL, CRUEL, CRUEL, and while I was BEGGING and crying and pleading for her to reconcile, she was seeing a therapist who encouraged her to leave me....go with her "feelings". 

She did, they married, had a child, and 7 years later I get a tearful call from her telling me how miserable she was, that she wanted to divorce, that her H hates my kids (step-kids), etc. etc., but I never heard "I'm sorry", I only heard a person who felt sorry for themselves since it didn't work out. 

If your affair partner had decided he would work thru issues with you, I bet you would be perfectly fine, happy and without regret. 

You made the right choice leaving, your husband made the right choice leaving... it's done....stop lying to yourself for sympathy, you just didn't like the outcome, like most woman who agitate for divorce don't like the outcome.


----------



## old timer

Ever-Man said:


> you just didn't like the outcome, like most woman who agitate for divorce don't like the outcome.


And many men, as well, I'd wager.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wazza

I do think that the quest for a perfect marriage partner is an exercise in futility. Leaving a marriage because it is imperfect is unwise.

Which was more or less the OPs point.

One of the key things making my marriage great is a good balance of knowing my walk away point and at the same time focussing on what I give, not just what I get.


----------



## Garry2012

problem is, when the WS is in the fog....they dont think of anything clearly....you cant reason with them, use logic, pain, nothing. I have learned the hard way..


----------



## MattMatt

The-Deceived said:


> *Sorry to say this*, but I'm glad for your husband he moved on. You treated him worse than sh*t on your shoe.
> 
> I hope his new woman shows him the love he deserves.
> 
> Poor man.


Actually, you were not sorry to say this. _So why pretend you were_?

Did you actually think that by posting up that little white lie that would excuse what you were going to say?

I think she is fully aware she treated her husband badly. 

I think that might have been one of the reasons she posted here. Her husband reads or posts here, too.

Hope seeing his ex-wife's post helps him to move on.


----------



## CantSitStill

Her therapist told her to..the problem is she hasn't been back at all since she posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

CantSitStill said:


> Her therapist told her to..the problem is she hasn't been back at all since she posted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A therapist who values the work that TAM does? Interesting.


----------



## Garry2012

Maybe she still isnt able to handle the feedback...or wasnt sincere in the first place.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

I think you and MattMatt are reading too much into her reason for starting the thread. I believe her intention was to tell her story in order for her to heal and turn this page of her life. I don't think it would be surprising for a therapist to support what TAM does, but note that in the OP she basically told us that her intent was to put her story out there with the hopes of helping someone else not step into the same traps that she did. 

Posting her story was part of her therapy to heal and to fully come to terms with the mistakes she made. I didn't keep up with this thread, but I never expected her to post here again TBH.


----------



## Garry2012

Maybe, but I would think that staying on here and talking might REALLY help others, AND further heal her.


----------



## Jasel

Garry2012 said:


> Maybe, but I would think that staying on here and talking might REALLY help others, AND further heal her.


I don't really see how she could contribute anymore than she already did. I also don't see how her presence could help others or herself unless it was to be a punching bag. Remorse or not, well intentioned or not, I doubt she'd get a very warm welcome or anymore help than IC could provide. Not with the current state it sounds like she's in anyway.


----------



## Garry2012

Jasel said:


> I don't really see how she could contribute anymore than she already did. I also don't see how her presence could help others or herself unless it was to be a punching bag. Remorse or not, well intentioned or not, I doubt she'd get a very warm welcome or anymore help than IC could provide. Not with the current state it sounds like she's in anyway.


I agree she would take many a hit on the chin, no doubt. Having a STBXW who seems to be following her path, it provides some support to me to see that now she is lucid and sees her errors. I beat my head against the wall trying to talk to my STBXW who is deep in fog...sure that she has never loved me etc, depite the fact she used to write she adored me etc. in holiday cards not that long ago. 

She gives a window to the thinking, or lack there of, to the fog, IMHO.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I think you and MattMatt are reading too much into her reason for starting the thread. I believe her intention was to tell her story in order for her to heal and turn this page of her life. I don't think it would be surprising for a therapist to support what TAM does, but note that in the OP she basically told us that her intent was to put her story out there with the hopes of helping someone else not step into the same traps that she did.
> 
> Posting her story was part of her therapy to heal and to fully come to terms with the mistakes she made. I didn't keep up with this thread, but I never expected her to post here again TBH.





Jasel said:


> I don't really see how she could contribute anymore than she already did. I also don't see how her presence could help others or herself unless it was to be a punching bag. Remorse or not, well intentioned or not, I doubt she'd get a very warm welcome or anymore help than IC could provide. Not with the current state it sounds like she's in anyway.


I think this sums it all up. 

She did say that her husband used this site for info. So who knows if he is even a user. Plus I don't imagine her telling him Hey I went back to that site to post. I could only imagine how he might rip her apart as well, maybe..

Pretty much when someone posts here they usually say they have ben lurking for months before posting.

I do think that much of this info should be a sticky on top. A basic of what to expect. This is what infidelity fog is. This is what BS fog is. 

What can happen if you fail the 180. Why its important to be tough. The reasoning behind it. I know when I read why many are shocked about the tough stance they have to put on and they resist it. They think they can "nice" their way back into the WS heart. 

Again coming from a guy who didn't get it either, because I literally was not thinking straight. I almost believe you need to ask some people to get a friend to log in so you can pass along this info to them. To someone who can think straight for them.

I have to come to learn, though too late that you really need to be a hard a$$ and do a whole frontal assault on a affair. I couldn't understand outing someone either. But in the end I come to understand my wife would have been happy if it was just me her and this OM that knew about the affair.


----------



## CantSitStill

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I think you and MattMatt are reading too much into her reason for starting the thread. I believe her intention was to tell her story in order for her to heal and turn this page of her life. I don't think it would be surprising for a therapist to support what TAM does, but note that in the OP she basically told us that her intent was to put her story out there with the hopes of helping someone else not step into the same traps that she did.
> 
> Posting her story was part of her therapy to heal and to fully come to terms with the mistakes she made. I didn't keep up with this thread, but I never expected her to post here again TBH.


I agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john_lord_b3

Imadeamistake said:


> Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.
> 
> Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.
> 
> Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.
> 
> During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party.
> 
> Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.
> 
> We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.
> 
> Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me.
> 
> But now its different.
> 
> We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me.
> 
> I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol.
> 
> All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids.
> 
> The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me.
> 
> I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.
> 
> Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other.
> 
> In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore."
> 
> I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well.
> 
> Why live this lie anymore I thought.
> 
> Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork.
> 
> During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening.
> 
> Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.
> 
> My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.
> 
> Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me.
> 
> I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing.
> 
> As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.
> 
> Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me.
> 
> Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it.
> 
> It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child.
> 
> It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do.
> 
> I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.
> 
> I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish.
> 
> My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together.
> 
> Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now.
> 
> I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized.
> 
> What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life.
> 
> He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.
> 
> I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help.
> 
> So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.
> 
> I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now.
> 
> Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin.
> 
> Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well.
> 
> So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.


Madame, my first reaction was to yell at you "suits you right!". But no, after reading your entire story, I see that you are genuinely sorry for your misbehavior, and you have paid in sadness the price for your infidelity. Your story, unlike many I have heard in my life, are not full of justification, are not full of attacks to your former hubby, are not full of exposing his shortcomings. You put him in a good light and don't try to conceal your sins. This I appreciate, it really shows your sincerity.

So, no, I am not going to say that you're a bad person. You made a mistake. Everybody make mistakes. You posted here as a warning to other women. It is an admirable deed and I applaud you for this. I hope other women take notes, and for you men out there, please do not be too quick to be harsh on this repentant woman.

Tonight I will pray for you and your former husband, I hope you two could still be friends, and be good co-parents to your children. 

Just make sure you don't ever, EVER, think to get him back to you. Because you don't deserve a third chance to ruin his life again.


----------



## old_soldier

The trouble with this, IMO, is that men like Jim get away with crap like destroying families and never give it a second thouhgt, and what really ticks me off is, when a BH does anything to prevent the break up of his family by trying to teach these dirtbags some manners, the BH becomes the bad guy and gets arrested. Jim the dirtbag, knew she was a married woman with a family, why did he not leave her alone? Why was he sniffing around a married woman? That dirtbag needed a good swift kick in the knackers, but the law won't allow that. In my day, men were punished harshly for the wicked they did. Not any more!

She screwed up! Yes, but Jim was the cause of it and should have felt some consequences as well. Five states in the U.S. still have "alianation of affection" statutes, but they are not used nearly enough. I wish the rest of the U.S., Canada, U.K. and Austrailia had those laws.


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## committedwife

Thank you for sharing this. So many adulterers need to see the outcome of their selfish actions.


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## Garry2012

It's a selfish journey to b sure. I hope my stbxw can look back someday like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS

old_soldier said:


> The trouble with this, IMO, is that men like Jim get away with crap like destroying families and never give it a second thouhgt, and what really ticks me off is, when a BH does anything to prevent the break up of his family by trying to teach these dirtbags some manners, the BH becomes the bad guy and gets arrested. Jim the dirtbag, knew she was a married woman with a family, why did he not leave her alone? Why was he sniffing around a married woman? That dirtbag needed a good swift kick in the knackers, but the law won't allow that. In my day, men were punished harshly for the wicked they did. Not any more!
> 
> *She screwed up! Yes, but Jim was the cause of it* and should have felt some consequences as well. Five states in the U.S. still have "alianation of affection" statutes, but they are not used nearly enough. I wish the rest of the U.S., Canada, U.K. and Austrailia had those laws.


I agree that Jim needs to be held accountable, and to do this there needs to be an exposure of the affair to everyone and if Jim was married then he should have been exposed to his wife for being a dirtbag. If he was unmarried, then you try to expose him to his family, employer or even put him on cheaterville. There are always ways to expose a predator like Jim if the BS chooses to go that route.

However, saying that Jim was the cause of the problem implies that the OP would be happily married today and would be the loyal wife. I don't believe that at all. The root cause was not that a predator was after the OP, it was the OP herself who had some issue within herself that made her unhappy. As you see in the OP, she admitted to an EA with an ex BF before Jim came into the picture. So if not Jim, it would have been someone else that would have broken up her marriage. But in reality it was SHE who broke up her marriage, not some other guy that was sniffing around her. She made the choice, she threw away her husband and family. The blame rests on her.


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## nicky3791

So glad to have read this. It really helped to open my eyes and make me realize that just because things arent perfect between H and I, that the grass will never be greener on the other side. I will hold on to my man a little tighter. Its said that you never truly realize what you have until it is gone. Luckily I do now.
Thank you.


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## sandc

nicky3791 said:


> So glad to have read this. It really helped to open my eyes and make me realize that just because things arent perfect between H and I, that the grass will never be greener on the other side. I will hold on to my man a little tighter. Its said that you never truly realize what you have until it is gone. Luckily I do now.
> Thank you.


Good for you, Nicky! :smthumbup:


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## Garry2012

nicky3791 said:


> So glad to have read this. It really helped to open my eyes and make me realize that just because things arent perfect between H and I, that the grass will never be greener on the other side. I will hold on to my man a little tighter. Its said that you never truly realize what you have until it is gone. Luckily I do now.
> Thank you.


guess it depends how deep in the fog you are to be able to process this. I severely doubt my STBXW would see this as anything but a lame attempt to guilt her to stay.


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## Chuck71

call me a skeptic


----------



## Grey Goose

Not one cheating spouse who is still with their AP will think anything of this. They all think their story and love is so different, just like we all think it will never happen to us and it did. 

I think this is a great Valentine's Day story, jaja!


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## Garry2012

Grey Goose said:


> Not one cheating spouse who is still with their AP will think anything of this. They all think their story and love is so different, just like we all think it will never happen to us and it did.
> 
> I think this is a great Valentine's Day story, jaja!


I have a copy of this, i plan to give it to my X if and when she ever realizes she made a mistake. I want to let her know i knew her future long ago. If not, i will have moved on anyway.


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## nicky3791

Just so you fellas know, im not cheating on my husband. But i had once considered it. This article has been a real eye opener though. Since reading it, I've been more open to.him about my needs and he has responded more than I believed he would.

You never know, the AP who is in the fog could snap out of it after reading this. At least those who have any love and respect left for their spouse.


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## Garry2012

But thats the problem. in my case, my STBXW is too rar gone...doesnt think i EVER loved her etc. She would scoff at this story.


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## bandit.45

Garry2012 said:


> I have a copy of this, i plan to give it to my X if and when she ever realizes she made a mistake. I want to let her know i knew her future long ago. If not, i will have moved on anyway.


It will just end up in her toilet with stinky brown stuff all over it. Don't waste your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71

LOL bandit


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## Garry2012

bandit.45 said:


> It will just end up in her toilet with stinky brown stuff all over it. Don't waste your time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep..I completely agree. I wouldnt bother until exits the fog and crashes...then maybe...but hopefully i wont even give a rats butt by then.


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## Jntrs

walkonmars said:


> If your husband was on this board and got advice here, I would like to see his side of how things developed and his attempts to win you back before finally throwing in the towel.


no matter what he tried to do, her fog wouldnt allow her to see the effort he was putting, she couldnt see how much he loved her, and when she realized that no other man will love her as he did, the best thing he could do was to leave and move on

i wish there was more threads talking about the outcome of it all, i believe at the end the person that wants out the marriage regrets it and most of the times PRIDE wont allow them to try to work things out


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## Jntrs

rrrbbbttt said:


> It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.
> Honore de Balzac


that quote says it all.


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## stuck in los angeles

Wow. What a tear jerker of a story, especially to someone going through similar pain. Thanks for sharing.


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## SkaterDad

Jntrs said:


> no matter what he tried to do, her fog wouldnt allow her to see the effort he was putting, she couldnt see how much he loved her, and when she realized that no other man will love her as he did, the best thing he could do was to leave and move on
> 
> i wish there was more threads talking about the outcome of it all, i believe at the end the person that wants out the marriage regrets it and most of the times PRIDE wont allow them to try to work things out


This sums up my stbx. No choice, I tried the nice way, I had NC, But we have a kid and it kills me. I am moving forward with divorce and she will, by all practical accounts probably end up like the OP. 

and I KNOW it is her pride and stubbornness that will not allow her to take the steps to R, she can't lose that much face to everyone she spun her marriage rewrite to, and she especially can't talk to me - it's all my fault she cheated!


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## Chuck71

Skater-There is an old book which covers seven deadly sins. I see two with your ex off the bat; three actually.

Allow her to take the "I'm to pround to beg" approach. They're usually the ones down the road drinking heavily crying 'why did i have to be such a b!tch and lose my family'.

Try not to look for it, it is a pathetic sight.


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## Chuck71

Skater-There is an old book which covers seven deadly sins. I see two with your ex off the bat; three actually.

Allow her to take the "I'm too proud to beg" approach. They're usually the ones down the road drinking heavily crying 'why did i have to be such a b!tch and lose my family'.

Try not to look for it, it is a pathetic sight.

typo errors


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## Numb-badger

As much as I have little sympathy for the original poster, I do hope that the value of this lesson can have a positive impact on her future relationships.


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## Vanguard

Give thanks to God; He has exacted from you less than what you have incurred.

Beyond that... I am humbled by your candor and humility.


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## fishfast41

Imadeamistake..Yeah, you sure did. Although I appreciate the window you have given us into the mind of a adulteress, and I thank you for posting it,I have absolutely no sympathy for you. You have gotten exactly what you deserve. What you have done to your husband, yourself, and your family is the reason for this commandment......... "Thou shalt not commit adultery".


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## Courageous

Thank you for sharing your story. 
I'm going through the same thing with my husband who left me after 14+ yrs of being married. 
He met this woman and he says that she is the love of his life. They have moved in together and are very happy from what he says. I tried everything for him to stay and give us another chance but he simply said he was done, that he loved me but not inlove with me.


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## Garry2012

Courageous said:


> Thank you for sharing your story.
> I'm going through the same thing with my husband who left me after 14+ yrs of being married.
> He met this woman and he says that she is the love of his life. They have moved in together and are very happy from what he says. I tried everything for him to stay and give us another chance but he simply said he was done, that he loved me but not inlove with me.


Yep...same story here pretty much, and about 1500 times elsewhere on TAM. They get focused on themselves only.


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## missthelove2013

It took a lot for you to come here and be honest...and I think your story can definitely help someone to rethink making the same bad decisions you did...

you got what you deserved though...and I am happy for the bs that he didnt make the same mistake twice,,,I only hope you can move on and be better for this experience!


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## stuck on hold

Imadeamistake said:


> Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.
> *The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me. **I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.*
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> Whatever...........if this story is fake or not, this is exactly why we walk away feeling worse then we started the conversation with the WS. The more you try to seek for empathy the more they push you out. Last time I tried to "be heard" he just nodded his head in agreement when I told him to go to hell and do whatever he wanted and I will never forgive him. He nodded and agreed like we were both coming to the same conclusion and happy about it.


----------



## remorseful strayer

Imadeamistake said:


> Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.
> 
> Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.
> 
> Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.
> 
> During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party.
> 
> Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.
> 
> We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.
> 
> Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me.
> 
> But now its different.
> 
> We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me.
> 
> I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol.
> 
> All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids.
> 
> The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me.
> 
> I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.
> 
> Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other.
> 
> In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore."
> 
> I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well.
> 
> Why live this lie anymore I thought.
> 
> Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork.
> 
> During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening.
> 
> Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.
> 
> My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.
> 
> Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me.
> 
> I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing.
> 
> As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.
> 
> Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me.
> 
> Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it.
> 
> It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child.
> 
> It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do.
> 
> I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.
> 
> I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish.
> 
> My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together.
> 
> Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now.
> 
> I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized.
> 
> What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life.
> 
> He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.
> 
> I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help.
> 
> So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.
> 
> I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now.
> 
> Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin.
> 
> Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well.
> 
> So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.


As someone who also had an affair, I don't see your situation as being in the "fog".

IMO, because you did NOT break off the affair immediately and permanently on DDay, to my mind you really never were in love with your spouse. 

This man was someone you were hoping to trade your spouse for. 

It seems you only wanted your husband back once he moved on and your new lover found someone new. 

If you ever loved your spouse you would never have been able to say that "you love him, but you weren't in love with him." 

IMO, when someone says that, they are not in the fog, they are no longer in love with their spouse. 

They may or may not be in love with the lover, but they are definitely no longer in love with their spouse. 

If you were, you would have never entertained the idea of leaving your spouse from the getgo.


----------



## BetrayedDad

remorseful strayer said:


> They may or may not be in love with the lover, but they are definitely no longer in love with their spouse.
> 
> If you were, you would have never entertained the idea of leaving your spouse from the getgo.


If they were in love with their spouse they never would of cheated in the first place. You don't knowingly do something that would emotionally destroy the person you loved. I think the cheaters who say they always loved their spouse while the affair was going on are either liars or they don't understand what love is. 

Can you love someone, then fall out of love with them and finally fall back in love with them? I think that's what the OP says happened... I find that more plausible than saying your in love with the BS and also sleeping around on them at the same time.


----------



## Garry2012

remorseful strayer said:


> As someone who also had an affair, I don't see your situation as being in the "fog".
> 
> IMO, because you did NOT break off the affair immediately and permanently on DDay, to my mind you really never were in love with your spouse.
> 
> This man was someone you were hoping to trade your spouse for.
> 
> It seems you only wanted your husband back once he moved on and your new lover found someone new.
> 
> If you ever loved your spouse you would never have been able to say that "you love him, but you weren't in love with him."
> 
> IMO, when someone says that, they are not in the fog, they are no longer in love with their spouse.
> 
> They may or may not be in love with the lover, but they are definitely no longer in love with their spouse.
> 
> If you were, you would have never entertained the idea of leaving your spouse from the getgo.


I disagree. The fog is what makes them "not in love" with their spouses in the first place. The fog makes them forget all the good things their marriage had, and they see the affair as what they have been seeking all along. Only to find out down the road, once the fog clears, that their marriage was savable, and they were just having a case of temporary insanity.

My ex spouse was 100% "in love" with me for at least 10 of our 13 years...and I suspect, most likely 11-12 years. Yeah, we had some common issues, but nothing to cause her to just snap and walk away without any effort. That's why I think the fog is real and does significantly affect their perspectiv, and thenn judgement and actions.

That said, I dont think this post is real, since she hasnt been on basically since the first post. But there are instances on here where a similiar situation has occured.


----------



## Sudra

3putt said:


> I don't think she'll get too beat up (at least I hope not). This is probably the most remorseful out-of-the-gate posting I've ever witnessed first hand.
> 
> And I agree...this one will be around for a while.
> 
> So sorry for what has happened, IMAM.


I don't see the remorse. It's still all about her and what she lost. Some mention that she now realizes she hurt her husband, barely a mention that she destroyed her kids' lives.

Rather than remorse, I think she now regrets her choices because it didn't go her way. There's a big difference between having remorse for destroying your husband and children and regretting screwing around and getting dumped.

Her name sure doesn't take any ownership of her choice to betray her husband and kids. It wasn't a mistake: it was a choice.

This is an old thread but interesting to read.


----------



## EI

BetrayedDad said:


> Can you love someone, then fall out of love with them and finally fall back in love with them? I think that's what the OP says happened... I find that more plausible than saying your in love with the BS and also sleeping around on them at the same time.



As a former WS, I can tell you that this is exactly what happened in my marriage. Had I been "in love" with my spouse, I would never have chosen to have an affair, nor would I have had any desire to. I was not only not "in love," I wasn't even remotely "in like." I had almost reached complete indifference. Any residual "feelings" that remained for my husband, prior to the start of my EA/PA, were feelings of bitterness, resentment and anger, along with a bit of sadness that our once very loving marriage had disintegrated into such an ugly cesspool of misery. It has been 17 months since D-Day. 

Against the odds, we both chose to put 100% of ourselves into reconciliation. It's a very long story and we've both shared it on TAM. We are, again, very much "in love," and "in like" with one another. We are, once again, best friends, partners in parenting, and lovers. Everything about our marriage is better now than it was for the 27 years of our marriage prior to my EA/PA. But, with that having been said, let me be very clear, having an affair did not "fix" our marriage, it did not make ANYTHING better. At the end of the day, the affair was the equivalent of dousing a house with gasoline and setting it on fire; a house that had already been leveled to the ground by a tornado (pre-A.) 

The affair was and remains the most damaging, devastating and painful event in our lives and in the lives of our grown children. The new, happier marriage that we are in now is as a result of the choices that he and I have, both, made since my affair ended. We are reconciling not because of my affair, but despite my affair.


----------



## Garry2012

EI said:


> As a former WS, I can tell you that this is exactly what happened in my marriage. Had I been "in love" with my spouse, I would never have chosen to have an affair, nor would I have had any desire to. I was not only not "in love," I wasn't even remotely "in like." I had almost reached complete indifference. Any residual "feelings" that remained for my husband, prior to the start of my EA/PA, were feelings of bitterness, resentment and anger, along with a bit of sadness that our once very loving marriage had disintegrated into such an ugly cesspool of misery. It has been 17 months since D-Day.
> 
> Against the odds, we both chose to put 100% of ourselves into reconciliation. It's a very long story and we've both shared it on TAM. We are, again, very much "in love," and "in like" with one another. We are, once again, best friends, partners in parenting, and lovers. Everything about our marriage is better now than it was for the 27 years of our marriage prior to my EA/PA. But, with that having been said, let me be very clear, having an affair did not "fix" our marriage, it did not make ANYTHING better. At the end of the day, the affair was the equivalent of dousing a house with gasoline and setting it on fire; a house that had already been leveled to the ground by a tornado (pre-A.)
> 
> The affair was and remains the most damaging, devastating and painful event in our lives and in the lives of our grown children. The new, happier marriage that we are in now is as a result of the choices that he and I have, both, made since my affair ended. We are reconciling not because of my affair, but despite my affair.


This is where i see a distinct difference with an affair and a MLC. You seem to have had an affair only. With a MLC, you have the affair, but cant see/ dont see your marriage with ANY sort of interest/c oncern/pain nothing...so you see no reason to work on it and can walk away with ease. At least initially.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Firstly nothing, nothing justifies an affair. Divorce, separation yes but not an affair. Therefore anyone who says that misery brought it on is still justifying it. Even when you are not in love with your spouse, cheating is wrong! No excuses, no justification. You chose to cheat and paid the price. You may have decided to R later on but in my opinion for the wrong reasons. You did not love your husband when you left. I cannot see that you love him now, only that you are sorry that your OM left. My advice is to work on improving yourself and the first step is clarity on what happened.


----------



## EI

manfromlamancha said:


> Firstly nothing, nothing justifies an affair. Divorce, separation yes but not an affair. Therefore anyone who says that misery brought it on is still justifying it. Even when you are not in love with your spouse, cheating is wrong! No excuses, no justification. You chose to cheat and paid the price. You may have decided to R later on but in my opinion for the wrong reasons. You did not love your husband when you left. I cannot see that you love him now, only that you are sorry that your OM left. My advice is to work on improving yourself and the first step is clarity on what happened.



Was this comment intended for the OP or for me? I don't want want to respond if it was for the OP, but I will if it was in response to my comment.


----------



## vellocet

Imadeamistake said:


> Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me.


Good for him. He deserves some happiness.




> I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized.
> 
> What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life.



After all you did to him, why couldn't you just have left him alone? Let him find happiness elsewhere. 

Please do not do this to him again. Move on, let him move on. You've done enough.




> Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin.
> 
> Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him.


Uh, that's kind of selfish to whoever you end up with. Perhaps if this is how you feel, stay single. Why treat any other guy out there like forever 2nd fiddle? That's not fair to him.


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## manfromlamancha

EI said:


> Was this comment intended for the OP or for me? I don't want want to respond if it was for the OP, but I will if it was in response to my comment.


This was very much to the OP although some of it was spurred by your comments. Didn't want the OP thinking that cheating was okay in any way.


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## BetrayedAndBlindsided

Wow it's amazing I thought this post was written about me but then I realized that Imadeamistake wrote it back in January. I swear it mirrors my story up the part about deciding to divorce, because that is where we are at now. She is in the fog, keeping a distance from me and only thinking about the OM, and anything I do or say just gets in her way. It's as if my mere existence now annoys her because I am not the OM. She faked working on it and went to counseling, but she has maintained the relationship the whole time. So we are done with counseling, and I fear done being married, even though its not what I want. 

EI, I am desperately dreaming to be in your shoes. How did you do it? Is it possible to get a WS out of the fog and into reconciliation? I know the affair is a symptom of larger issues, depression being one of them, and I can get past it. But what will make her get past it? We have been married for just over 10 years and have two amazingly awesome little kids that make me want to keep trying!


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## Garry2012

Prob should start your own thread if you want more input. Very common situation..I was there too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI

BetrayedAndBlindsided said:


> Wow it's amazing I thought this post was written about me but then I realized that Imadeamistake wrote it back in January. I swear it mirrors my story up the part about deciding to divorce, because that is where we are at now. She is in the fog, keeping a distance from me and only thinking about the OM, and anything I do or say just gets in her way. It's as if my mere existence now annoys her because I am not the OM. She faked working on it and went to counseling, but she has maintained the relationship the whole time. So we are done with counseling, and I fear done being married, even though its not what I want.
> 
> EI, I am desperately dreaming to be in your shoes. How did you do it? Is it possible to get a WS out of the fog and into reconciliation? I know the affair is a symptom of larger issues, depression being one of them, and I can get past it. But what will make her get past it? We have been married for just over 10 years and have two amazingly awesome little kids that make me want to keep trying!


If you will share your story, giving us details of your situation, you will get feedback from a variety of individuals on TAM. There are, both, current and former betrayed spouses, who regularly post, and a few former wayward spouses, like myself, who post, as well. Give us as many details as possible. I believe that some WS's can come out of the fog, but it is not done the way you might imagine. You can never "nice" someone out of an affair. And, the way you are describing her current attitude, it is extremely important for you to understand that. I'll comment more should you post your own thread.


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## BetrayedAndBlindsided

EI said:


> If you will share your story, giving us details of your situation, you will get feedback from a variety of individuals on TAM. There are, both, current and former betrayed spouses, who regularly post, and a few former wayward spouses, like myself, who post, as well. Give us as many details as possible. I believe that some WS's can come out of the fog, but it is not done the way you might imagine. You can never "nice" someone out of an affair. And, the way you are describing her current attitude, it is extremely important for you to understand that. I'll comment more should you post your own thread.



Thanks, I am new here, on my last efforts to see if there is anything that can be done to save my marriage from a near-certain death. This post hit home for me. I will post my story shortly. Please read when you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012

BetrayedAndBlindsided said:


> Thanks, I am new here, on my last efforts to see if there is anything that can be done to save my marriage from a near-certain death. This post hit home for me. I will post my story shortly. Please read when you can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its a common story on here B&B....my story as well.


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## EI

BetrayedAndBlindsided said:


> Thanks, I am new here, on my last efforts to see if there is anything that can be done to save my marriage from a near-certain death. This post hit home for me. I will post my story shortly. Please read when you can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Will do.


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## sammy3

Wow, this may really be the turning point I've been looking for.

~ sammy


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## sammy3

double post


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## just got it 55

This would have been my reply if I was your ex husband

It wasn’t enough that I gave you my life commitment at 25 years old
It wasn’t’ enough that loved you with all that I had Like a man
should and knew he pleased you

It wasn’t enough that I worked tirelessly for years providing for your family

It wasn’t enough that I gave you 2 perfect children

It wasn’t enough that I put myself last in order to be sure
everybody in our family had what they needed

It wasn’t enough I treated you with respect and honor

It wasn’t enough that never laid a hand on you or abused you in any way

It wasn’t enough that I never lost a penny gambling

It wasn’t enough that I live a completely sober life

It wasn’t enough that having fun was our goal in life

It wasn’t enough that I was a good father and loved his children and held them with pride

It wasn’t enough that I offered you the life you needed to be the best person you could be

To encourage you to fulfill all your personal and professional dreams at the expense of mine

It wasn’t enough that my first thought every morning was to keep you and our children safe from any harm

Go Ahead Walk Away Wife Be that cliché 

You are not who I thought you were

I have given you all that there is in me to give

I have no more to give you

I will not give you my soul and manhood

Just Walk Away


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## sammy3

OP, 

But it was you who first were searching... It were you who opened the pandora box... Its so hard on our side of the fence... 
But, your story serves as a warning sign too for both sides. 

~sammy


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## sinnister

Op made this post in January and never came back....


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## Garry2012

Yeah.....seems trollish
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55

I just had to say that for all the Husbands that have been there


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## Garry2012

I would be thrilled if my x ever exits the fog like this...but I'm not holdibg my breath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159

just commenting to keep this on the first page every one who comes to this site needs to read it


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## vellocet

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah.....seems trollish
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well you gotta love the handle "Imadeamistake"

Even if it can be classified as a mistake, apparently this is the norm for her as it wasn't her only infidelity incident. Therefore even if you can classify it as such, which IMO you can't, it definitely isn't in this case. Handle should be changed to "Mycharacterisscrewingupmylife"


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## MattMatt

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah.....seems trollish
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what?:scratchhead:


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## Rev. Clonn

terrence4159 said:


> just commenting to keep this on the first page every one who comes to this site needs to read it


Bump to keep this where others will read it. There is so much to learn from it for anyone on either side of this.


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## bandit.45

Bump twice.


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## Garry2012

Classic....


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## Truthseeker1

Honest and truthful about the destruction of infidelity. And so very, very sad....


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## Singleton

There are 12+ pages of comments from mostly BSs like myself, very few comments from WSs and not a single followup by the original poster! What this tells me that we BSs crave stories like this. It does not matter that the story may be fake. We just want to hear that the WSs feel remorse. The truth is quite different!

Great majority of WS are not remorseful after cheating and divorce. They only feel sorry for themselves when their fantasy never becomes reality. In this particular story if Jim were little more understanding when the child was sick he would have continued to be viewed as a much better guy than the husband. Only when Jim dumped her, she saw him for what he was and now the husband again is this great guy. The reality is that the husband like most of us is most likely not a "great guy" but rather a good husband and a good father. That is not good enough for WSs. They need to feed their fantasy. There is a serious character flaw and immaturity associated with cheating.

Zero sympathy from me for the original poster! I feel sorry for the husband and kids. Even the poor bastard Jim did the right thing and dumped her because he too realized that she is not great and that there is a great chance that she would cheat on him too. 

Happy Father's Day to all good fathers out there!


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## sirdano

We all wish we could have a cyrstal ball and see the furure of what could be then I think many would not choose the destructive path.

But as you said the FOG. We get so filled with endorphins that nothing else matters. Once that happiness wears off the grass is not so greener anymore. 

I am sorry for what happen to you but I hope and pray that someone thinking of doing this reads this very carefully.


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## Garry2012

Good time to re-up this thread. Especially Since my exes story is aligning more with this story.


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## PhillyGuy13

How many of y'all had cell phones in 2000/2001?

Those of you that had phones, how many of y'all could send texts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle

PhillyGuy13 said:


> How many of y'all had cell phones in 2000/2001?
> 
> Those of you that had phones, how many of y'all could send texts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had one for Work. Terrible reception! I had to stand out in the street in the middle of street in the middle of the night to take an emergency call. And this was Gov. Issue. Don't ever remember texting at all. Don't even know if I could. Don't know who I would have texted anyway.


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## Garry2012

My dad and sister had "Car Phones" in the 80's. I didnt get a cell until 2005


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## larry.gray

I had a cell phone in '95. I've had the same number since '97.

I didn't start texting until around '05. It was quite expensive when it first came out.


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## PhillyGuy13

Yes i think the first text I sent was around 04-05 to my friend sitting next to me on a commuter train. I think my phone held 10 messages total.

I know texting existed in 2001, but I don't think it was common at all, but I suppose it was possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

Powerful story


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## SamuraiJack

Wolf1974 said:


> Powerful story


Truly...and it resonates very powerfully to me.

But looking at it from a few steps back, it's really cookie cutter and formulaic. It sort of reads like wishful thinking. 

Is there a such thing as "BS Porn"?

Just thinking out loud.
The OP also knows that her ex got his info from her. Maybe this was posted more to get his attention?


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## love=pain

I remember reading this when it was first posted, real or not it is what every BS who opts for D would love to hear, h3ll even those of us who R would like to hear it.

Why?

The WS takes complete and total responsibility for what they did, the remorse is true and heartfelt basically the WS has laid themselves open to the BS, with no pride, no selfishness looking only for one last chance.

I would eat it like candy if it came my way.


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## GusPolinski

PhillyGuy13 said:


> How many of y'all had cell phones in 2000/2001?
> 
> Those of you that had phones, how many of y'all could send texts?


:::slowly raises his hand...:::


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## thummper

I just wish she could have come back and gave us an update on how her life was going for her. I hope she's all right.


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## Wolf1974

SamuraiJack said:


> Truly...and it resonates very powerfully to me.
> 
> But looking at it from a few steps back, it's really cookie cutter and formulaic. It sort of reads like wishful thinking.
> 
> Is there a such thing as "BS Porn"?
> 
> Just thinking out loud.
> The OP also knows that her ex got his info from her. Maybe this was posted more to get his attention?


The wishful thinking is what I guess I found profound. I would hope that some people thinking about an affair or considering one would read her post and see the reality of what can happen. Think it's a great illustration of it


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## love=pain

PhillyGuy13 said:


> How many of y'all had cell phones in 2000/2001?
> 
> Those of you that had phones, how many of y'all could send texts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guilty
Hell I had one of the first pagers didn't have an led screen that gave the phone# just had 3 different beep tones for 3 different numbers.


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## PhillyGuy13

GusPolinski said:


> :::slowly raises his hand...:::


Yes but did you use texts as a standard communication, or for emergency/novelty type situation?

I just don't think conversation type texting was common in those days, but it was long ago so who knows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan

It's easy to get caught up in a post like this. But it's necessary to understand that her relationship with her OM fell apart. Her husband became Plan B. It was then that her regret kicked in and her efforts to get him back started. OM was Plan A. Perhaps she really feels awful for the pain she caused in destroying her family, but I always sensed from her that she felt bad mostly from not having it work out with her OM, and then problems with her Plan B.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad

This is one of those stories where it doesn't really matter if it is real or fiction. It's powerfully written and conveys to everyone here what real remorse and regret looks like. I think it's a great tool others can use when dealing with the fall out of an affair and I'm personally glad she posted it. One of the best threads on TAM.


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## larry.gray

love=pain said:


> Guilty
> Hell I had one of the first pagers didn't have an led screen that gave the phone# just had 3 different beep tones for 3 different numbers.


(said in my old fart voice)

I remember when pagers only had a beeper. You used a calling service - someone would leave a message at the service, they called your pager and then you called them to get the message.


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## Garry2012

love=pain said:


> I remember reading this when it was first posted, real or not it is what every BS who opts for D would love to hear, h3ll even those of us who R would like to hear it.
> 
> Why?
> 
> The WS takes complete and total responsibility for what they did, the remorse is true and heartfelt basically the WS has laid themselves open to the BS, with no pride, no selfishness looking only for one last chance.
> 
> I would eat it like candy if it came my way.


Yep...it becomes complete validation that perhaps, the marriage was never as bad as we were told. Validation that, YES, you did rewrite the marital history so the divorce made sense to you and your family. Validation that effort SHOULD have been made, at some reasonable level to at least try to save the marriage.


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## Coldie

I shared the story with others because it had good intentions. I liked the theme.

However, I am part of the crowd that feels this article is fictitious. It doesn't take away from how picture perfect the story seems, but the author describing every detail from every technique talked about on this forum, and although they all still failed, she eventually learned her lesson. 

...and then she vanishes.


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## Garry2012

I agree coldie...but it does happen (I think its happening very close to this in my case) and it makes the WS human again to some extent, and give the BS some insight into the other side of the story.


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## love=pain

larry.gray said:


> (said in my old fart voice)
> 
> I remember when pagers only had a beeper. You used a calling service - someone would leave a message at the service, they called your pager and then you called them to get the message.


The first one I had didn't have a service they would program it with your home number as beep #1, office beep #2 etc then when it went off you had to call in and see who called and left a message or what the kids have done this time your wife was mad about.

Of course my first cellphone was a bag phone weighed about 4 pounds carried it around like a purse if you wanted it to be portable.


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## bandit.45

thummper said:


> I just wish she could have come back and gave us an update on how her life was going for her. I hope she's all right.


I'm glad I'm not her current husband. She's pining away for her exBH and what could have been, steering all that energy onto the past instead of onto her current husband where it belongs. 

If she was real, I hope she got her priorities straight.


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## 3putt

Coldie said:


> I shared the story with others because it had good intentions. I liked the theme.
> 
> However, I am part of the crowd that feels this article is fictitious. It doesn't take away from how picture perfect the story seems, but the author describing every detail from every technique talked about on this forum, and although they all still failed, she eventually learned her lesson.
> 
> ...and then she vanishes.


The reason why it sounds picture perfect in detail is because, more often than not, they all pan out the exact same way be it here and on other infidelity forums. This isn't anything new; it's all been played out many times before.

I personally think it's real. She stated very clearly that this was an exercise suggested by her counselor to help her heal and to hopefully help others from her mistakes in the process.

Why would someone post something like this just for the chuckles, and then simply disappear? 

Doesn't compute to me.


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## Forest

So she's a one-and-done?

Reminds me of Penthouse circa 1970-80s. 

Or maybe you'll run into her in your local beer-joint, crying on the juke box. Runny mascara, muffin-top with a bad dye job....I hope she's real.:crying:


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## NoChoice

Real or not the truth contained in the words are not diminished. If only they could be comprehended by those needing to understand them.


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## CTPlay

There is the heart wrenching confession of sorry, and then there is the taking of responsibility through action.


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## Decorum

Forest said:


> So she's a one-and-done?
> 
> Reminds me of Penthouse circa 1970-80s.
> 
> Or maybe you'll run into her in your local beer-joint, crying on the juke box. Runny mascara, muffin-top with a bad dye job....I hope she's real.:crying:


Those were the classic forum years and the extent of my sex education as a teen (thanks to dads stash), ahhh the good old days :laugh:


.


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## jimmy909

Oh please no. Leave the poor guy alone. 



Nunya Biznas said:


> So...have you given up? Again?
> 
> As mentioned by others, you put this man through hell. I mean, you divorced his a$$ for pity's sake! Surely you understood when you decided that you wanted to reconcile that he most likely wouldn't jump at your very first offer. Once bitten twice shy and all that.
> 
> A cheating spouse has a lot of trust to regain before the relationship can become secure again. A cheating spouse who refused to change, continued the affair, went through with divorce and only saw the error of her ways after being dumped by her (what turned out to be) fling, needs to be prepared to...? Man, I don't know. But I'm willing to concede that it's possible. And if acheived, who can deny that it would have been worth it?
> 
> My very personal and very humble opinion would be to set up your own hoops and light them on fire yourself and then just start jumping through them. If it wins your husband back, fine and well, but do it more because you owe it to him. Whether or not he takes you back you owe it to him and your kids to make a jackass out of yourself trying. But most important, do it for yourself. It may be too little too late, but don't you at least want to be able to say that you tried? I mean an honest, gut wrenching, soul searing attempt. People looking back on this should see your efforts to reconcile as more memorable than what came before. And then you will be able to say, with a tear in your eye but with your head held high, "I'm ashamed of destroying my family but proud of myself for doing all I could to salvage it."


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## becareful2

I'm bumping this cautionary tale for anybody who's contemplating cheating on their significant other.


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## 225985

becareful2 said:


> I'm bumping this cautionary tale for anybody who's contemplating cheating on their significant other.


You just made a zombie thread.


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## becareful2

blueinbr said:


> You just made a zombie thread.


Oh, yeah, I knew.


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## snerg

.


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## 225985

becareful2 said:


> blueinbr said:
> 
> 
> 
> You just made a zombie thread.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, yeah, I knew.
Click to expand...

And not even a real zombie IMO.


----------

