# Separating again....Need Advice..



## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Hello everyone. 
I’ve been reluctant to post here however I have read several posts from other members. Honestly I think what drove me to finally post here was that I needed a support group and advice. Yeah I have family and luckily my family says it like it is and has clearly told me my faults. However this has been going on now for just over 6 months and I’m tired of my marriage or lack thereof being the main topic of discussion every time I see them so I needed to reach out to people that are going through or have been through what I’m experiencing. 

So I’m not sure where to start. We have been married for almost 11 years. I do know that I’m not going to start blaming the wife for everything because I know I have faults as well. It all really started when she was pregnant with our 8 yr old daughter. Keep in mind I had 2 kids and she had 1 from our previous marriages. I was about to turn 30 and the only explanation I have is I was going through a midlife crisis and wasn’t ready to go through the diapers, late nights etc. again. We previously went through 3 miscarriages and I think I turned the parenting switch off mentally. I didn’t want any part of the pregnancy at first and was rather angry at her; I probably should have worn a full body condom because I just acted like a big ****. About the 5th month I finally woke up and realized that this was a gift from god and I better get on board. So the next few years were really good. However that was really the beginning of our problems. We put our daughter first and never each other. So the last 3 years have basically been us tolerating each other and I really thought we were only still together for our daughter’s sake at least that is what I thought.

Fast forward to may 13th of this year. I got a text that she was done and we needed to talk. At first I was like “okay, what did I do know” and we will get past this but when she got home it was for real and she insisted I move downstairs and she started to moving everything out of our bedroom. Funny thing was that our marriage compared to the previous 3 years was actually better so it really caught me off guard. She just kept telling me that I treated her poorly for so long that she just isn’t in love with me anymore. She then started to want to hurry things along and wanted me to find another place to live and I only had one request was that we don’t see other people until our divorce is finalized. She refused and immediately my infidelity sensors went on high alert. I asked her about it several times and of course denied any involvement with someone else.

I moved out May 28th and let me tell you it was a really rough at first. I know I did everything wrong in the beginning. I begged, whined and was just very needy. I realize now that was the complete wrong approach. About a week past and of course I was texting a lot and writing letters etc., and kept mentioning that she was seeing someone but as usual she kept denying it. Finally on June 9th she texted me about 5am and you could tell that she wanted me to come over so I did. She admitted she had been with someone else since I moved out. Obviously she had to have been talking to him before but, it is what it is and spilled milk at this point. Anyways she wanted me back however I was a little bit guarded as she was still with holding details but I figured that would come in time. 

The very next day she tells me she had a weak moment and still wanted to continue with the divorce. So as you can imagine I fell apart again. I had a fishing trip already planned and I was leaving in 2 days later and I really thought I shouldn’t even go however it was with a Christian men’s group and it turned out to be a very positive experience for me mentally. I probably did spend a little too much time on the phone with her while I was there but either way I just found good fellowship that helped me through the experience. 

I returned home from the trip on June 19th and on June 25th she texted me and said she wanted me home. This time it was for real as she spilled out all the details etc. So luckily it all worked out that was as the condo I was staying in just sold and I had to get out and moved back home.

Even though that was the hardest 6 weeks of my life I did find some valuable advice and started working on myself during that time. I lost weight, started exercising, started reading the bible more and learned how to be a good loving husband again, learned how to not lose my temper so quickly, listen better, etc. Which she clearly admits that my transformation has been second to none in such a short time.

So that last 6 months have been pretty awesome however I have noticed that about a month maybe 6 weeks ago the random “I love you” , the night time cuddling, etc. was starting to get less and less. And of course this put me back in self-preservation mode but rather than do anything real hasty I just let her know that I do notice the distance and that I’m beginning to have doubts again. I have given 100% and only received maybe 10% in return. I have been giving and giving and all she has done is take. About a month ago she received a big promotion at work and I’m sure this has boasted her self-confidence. I have been VERY supportive and been her biggest fan. She has started a new thing since we separated in June which is ladies night once a week with her sister and 1 other friend at a local restaurant for dinner and drinks. I have also supported this to the point of taking her and picking her up. She is definitely all about her and I have just accepted that for a long time. 

My job allows me to work from home which has allowed me to be able to get the kids to school and be here when they get off the bus in the afternoon. I always have the house spotless when my wife gets home. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, yard work, etc. I have only had this job for 1.5 years so I do miss being around people but at this point all I have been focusing on is saving our marriage.

So last Saturday we had dinner and she finally just told me that she has been trying really hard but she’s just not in love with me anymore. She loves me and admits that it’s not me this time she just can’t get those feelings back. Being through this back in June I’m not nearly as devastated as I was before but I’m still left wondering why. She always just says she don’t know why she can’t get the feelings back and with me here at home she just has no room to figure out what she wants. All of her time is accounted for so I have no fear of another affair although I’m sure someone will post this concern anyways.

So we have agreed I will move out this week and get through the holidays and in January we will evaluate our situation and then get back together or just sell the house and go our separate ways. I genuinely want her to be happy and if space is what she wants that’s what she will get. Or if moving on without me is what will make her happy then she will get that. We also agreed on finances and visitation with our daughter. And we won’t see other people until either we resolve this or divorce.

We also agreed that if there is one thing we always did well in our marriage it was the sexy time and as long as it didn’t lead to emotional talks and the neediness then we could continue that.

I’m still in favor of saving our marriage and she is just undecided. She won’t seek consoling with me or even on her own she just wants space. And I know moving in back so fast was definitely a mistake and we she have probably approached it differently.

Am I just kidding myself in thinking that this marriage is still salvageable or is it just time to throw in the towel? I’m going to be in the mindset of living life on my own and continue in my growth as a father and as a man that deserves to be happy, with or without her.

I have found the 180 list and I think I need to order the “no more mister nice guy book” as well.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Detach, and get a clearer view of the picture. You never dealt with her issues. Sure it was great that you worked on yourself, but she did not own her actions. You were the back up plan, and now that she doesn't need you, she is leaving you again. You keep running back to her, and she has you well trained that way. She keeps rejecting you, and then when she wants you back, you come back running. Your starting to develop a pattern of behavior.

Keep working on yourself, moniter her if you want. She is most likely cheating on you again. The only person you have control over is yourself. Take off the rose colored glasses, and when you are capable of a neutral mindset, you can see things more clearly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree with Fisty....

Screw her, from were I'm sitting it looks like this is strike three and she is out!

Just let her go.

If you are not sitting in a lawyers office by the end of the day Monday you are nuts. Phuck this whole seperation crap and have her served ASAP.

Sorry man but your old lady has your number, it's time to change her way of thinking and get real. It truly is time to show her her new reality.

Maybe after you guys divorce she will stop pulling this crap on you and the both of you can have a healthier relationship.

Funny how that sounds but its true.

I bet she will screw your brains out after she gets served divorce papers.

Seriously, it's about time you show her what her new reality is about to look like!

Look at it this way, you can alway withdraw the filling if sh1t works out and if she pulls this crap again at least your lawyer will have the file.

And with divorce always in the back of your lawyer filing cabinet your old lady might think twice about pulling this crap again.


Either way it's time to show her it's game time and she will need to put her big girl pants on cuz you aren't phucking around anymore!

One more thing...don't tell her your filing for divorce, I know for a fact she will tell you " lets wait"!!!!


The way I see it is here cake eating bull crap stops here and now so go see a lawyer and have her served....Welcome to the new reality women.

You know what I mean?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW if its not the XOM it must be a new guy....maybe her boss?

You know...with the promotion and all?

I think its bullsh1t that every time your old lady wants to screw around you are the one that has to leave the house!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Unfortunately you failed to provide the consequences she required for her affair. Exposure and real consequences are a requirement to get her head straight. You've been too soft.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

I started responding to Mr. Fisty and then refreshed and commenting on the rest of the comments.

I see exactly what you are saying. The part of "Starting to develop a pattern of behavior" is something that I really didn't realize. You’re absolutely right and detaching is something I have to start doing. Because of my daughter I'm unable to do the "no contact" 100% but I can definitely keep it a "business only" contact.

Monitoring her and worrying about what she is doing all the time was something that I definitely did the first time around. This time I don't really care and something I just won’t do. I'm not going to defend whether or not she is cheating again. I have read several threads and I get it. Could she be? Absolutely.

I will say that this time is definitely different as in, she continues to wear her ring. (The first time it came off immediately) She's not in any hurry for me to leave.(The first time she couldn't wait for me to leave). She will actually sit down and listen to me without blowing me off. (The first time she was ice cold.) We still sleep in the same bed. (The first time she wouldn't even sit in the same room as me let alone want to interact with me sexually).

The guy….If I was able to financially go and file tomorrow I would if for no other reason to say face. However her only grandpa died today and even though I’m starting to get cold to emotion with her I don’t have the heart to do that to anyone. Especially someone I do care for.

WorkingOnMe….Your definitely right there were no consequences for what she did. And it took every last ounce of self-control I had to not paste that all over facebook. I don't hesitate to let anyone close to me know what is going on though. 

I will say I have started a list of expectations that I have if she was ever willing to reconcile.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Who cares if she's "willing" to reconcile? Why allow yourself to be a backup plan. 

Consequences: some day you'll realize that they're not something you do to her, they're something you do for her.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Who cares if she's "willing" to reconcile? Why allow yourself to be a backup plan.
> 
> Consequences: some day you'll realize that they're not something you do to her, they're something you do for her.


Your right I'm better than that and don't need to be anyones "2nd choice" I'm really working on trying to convince my self of that and that I deserve to be with someone that respects and loves me for me and not what I can do for them.

Although another relationship for me is not even on the table.

I'm going to the library tomorrow and seeing if I can find NMMG book and start there.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

I'm having a rough night.. Partially cause it's my last night with my "complete" family and mostly cause I had to sit down with my wife and discuss the "details". 

What's really weird though, I thought I would have a lot more emotion than I do. The first time around I was crying and hurting and this time it's like ehhh, whatever. I'm sure thats signs of progress and tomorrow when I am gone might be totally different. Either way I'm just gonna take it one day at a time.

We would like to go with an uncontested divorce and just settle and use 1 lawyer and 1 payment. However I see it possibly not going down that path. Back when we first separated there was not much to it cause she wasn't wanting to move. Now she is moving to the next town over. It's only 15 min however she is now acting like she wants to put my daughter in another school next school year and I'm not feeling that at all. I really didn't want to go down this path of battling it out. But I really don't want to see her change schools. She's doing fantastic in this school!


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I'm in a similar boat in going down the same river sounds like.
I haven't decided what to do regarding my son. 
She wanted the separation, I finally gave it to her. I'm not giving her my son. She can have all my assets, she can't have my son.
I didn't ask for the separation, I don't want a divorce. 
Still, I won't contest it until it comes to my boy.
I'm considering proposing the idea that we can give all our money to the attorneys, or to her. 
She wants a new life, I can help her have it. But I keep my son where he is.
Keep us posted how it works out.
My prayers are with you for wisdom and patience.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Thank you for the prayers my friend.

Definitely sounds like we are on the same river for sure. 

I can only hope that given some space she will come around and be willing to give a little more for the sake of our daughter. Because if there is one thing I have done right in the last 8 years, it's that I have been an awesome dad and I take care of her most of the time.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Having a really rough morning. Emotions are all over the place. I know this is going to be positive for me down the road it just doesn't feel like it right now.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Are you getting any exercise? If not, start. If you need to quit any booze, do so. Now is the time to get selfish for yourself and your daughter. How dare your wife call the shots in your life like this? She is being selfish and manipulative. Seriously, work on detaching, consult an attorney, consult as many as you need to if you can. There is a strategy here. 

You took her back how many times?, why continue to allow her to string you along? From experience, you need to get angry about this. How do you feel about the other men your wife has allowed to into her life like this? They are impacting your life also! Your wife is cuckolding you. 

You need to allow your wife to experience life without you completely. This does not mean abandoning your child. You already live in a separate place. Workout a plan for your child to stay in both places. For you each to have equal time with her. If this is a problem for your wife. Lawyer up.


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

Cake eater and you are plan b.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Do the things you can do to improve your life and slowly you will view your outcome differently. By working out, you feel better about yourself. By going out and forming new connections, it will give a sense of belonging. By improving our attitude, we become more optimistic, and we work harder towards goals. This is a process and takes time. Creating a newer self will help separate your identity from you and your wife's. Couples have created this identity of being a couple, and you have to reform that and create a single entity again.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

toonaive said:


> Are you getting any exercise? If not, start. If you need to quit any booze, do so. Now is the time to get selfish for yourself and your daughter. How dare your wife call the shots in your life like this? She is being selfish and manipulative. Seriously, work on detaching, consult an attorney, consult as many as you need to if you can. There is a strategy here.
> 
> You took her back how many times?, why continue to allow her to string you along? From experience, you need to get angry about this. How do you feel about the other men your wife has allowed to into her life like this? They are impacting your life also! Your wife is cuckolding you.
> 
> You need to allow your wife to experience life without you completely. This does not mean abandoning your child. You already live in a separate place. Workout a plan for your child to stay in both places. For you each to have equal time with her. If this is a problem for your wife. Lawyer up.


I actually started exercising and losing weight the first time. I did slack off the exercise when we were together but maintained weight. However I did start back at the gym and will continue that.

Booze is one thing I only enjoy socially. So drinking my sorrows is definitely not a concern.

Ironically my mother told me the same thing about it’s time to get angry.  I’m trying to get a 50/50 agreement worked out but she won’t have it for right now. I work from home so I’m there when my daughter’s home sick, gets off the bus, school activity, etc... So I’m definitely going to make sure I have a huge part in her raising. 

I did contact the attorney about 30 min ago and got at least enough advice to know that by me moving out today I won’t have to worry about an abandonment claims even though I will still get my daughter every day after school until wife gets home. But I just wanted to cover my bases.




shellgames said:


> Cake eater and you are plan b.


Yup! It’s been that way for most of our marriage. I just didn’t see it.



Mr.Fisty said:


> Do the things you can do to improve your life and slowly you will view your outcome differently. By working out, you feel better about yourself. By going out and forming new connections, it will give a sense of belonging. By improving our attitude, we become more optimistic, and we work harder towards goals. This is a process and takes time. Creating a newer self will help separate your identity from you and your wife's. Couples have created this identity of being a couple, and you have to reform that and create a single entity again.


For the time being I’m just going to give it a week or 2 to let the dust settle and basically have no contact. I was asked to be a pallbearer in her grandpa’s funeral Friday so I will be doing that. Initially I wanted to ride together however now I’m just gonna drive myself. 

Improving my life is just second to making sure my daughter is good. It is about time that I take steps to doing just that. Actually a friend of my invited me to a going away party for another friend and I had no intentions of going while I was with my wife but I’m going to go. No reason I wasn’t going either just was concerned that my wife wouldn’t approve. 

As I’m typing this I’m saying to myself “Are you listening to yourself right now”? I should be able to enjoy a night out with friends without worrying what she thinks. She does... Now it’s my turn.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Well last night was my first night away from my house in 6mo since the last separation. And I'm happy to report that it was the best nights sleep I have had in 6 months. No Kidding. 

I even received a text for my ww late last night and responded business like and off to sleep I went. No craziness running through my head. No wrenching feeling in my gut nothing. 

Had a few beers with my buddy last night at his house, which before I wouldn't have done cause I would have been to worried what she thought. 

Got to pick my 7yr old girl up this morning and take her to school.Just a good evening/morning over all.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Good to hear!! Hope you have many more from now on!


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

I'm not sure why but today has been rougher than I thought it would be. Around noon went to a friends house and was feeling great. Then around 3pm I met my WW and picked up my daughter. Read the 180 again this morning so I already had a game plan for the pickup. She seemed rather short and irritated as I was just in a good mood. She didn't say anything just sped off. 

Once I got to my moms my son who's 16 from my first marriage was there and I took him in the back bedroom and told him what was going on. I was able to hide the first separation from my 2 oldest kids as I felt it wasn't over.Then the rest of the evening in surrounded by family and friends I felt so lost and incomplete. 

After leaving I had to swing by our house to grab my daughters clothes and she wasn't there so I was thinking good this will be easy. I then wrote her a note to tell her that my heart still belongs to her. I left it where she would find it. As I got in my truck to leave I ran back inside grabbed the note and threw it away. 

I want soooo bad to text or call to tell her how I feel cause right now I feel so empty and lonely inside. Even though I know our marriage wasn't healthy for me I just can't stop wanting her with me right now. I'm not doing any of these but it just hurts so bad right now.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your going through the hormonal withdrawal of love. It takes awhile for it to go out of your system. Treat it like an addiction, and seek out healthy activities, or find a close friend to consult with when going through the low points. 

Mentally you know she is not the type of woman you want as a wife. Turn it into a mantra if you have too. The more you do, and the more social connections you make, the faster that bond will break. In essence, the less time and emotions you invest, and the less you think about it, the quicker the bonding hormones will dissipate.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

I'm definitely trying to make more social connections and I know when I'm engaged in those I'm definitely not thinking about her as much. 

I know today when I went to my friends before picking up my daughter, my buddy's wife had invited her very single and very good looking friend that immediately took to me and even made me a plate. Even though we totally have stuff in common and talked the whole time and even hugged as I left, I still like I was doing something wrong interacting with her.

I know time is the key to all this.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Same thing here, it was just rough. 
My wife turned down my offer to take our girls (my SDs) to my families for lunch with my son...said they were going to clean their rooms...which were horrible.
I went back by the house and looked at the rooms while I was there...still horrible.
I didn't leave a note, instead i cleaned out a lot of my clothes since I'm basically living out of a suitcase. But now I'm thinkin differently. 
I'm going to start a separate thread tomorrow I think but when we go to counseling Tuesday, I think I'm going to tell her I'm coming home. We've been living by these unsaid rules that she has written and basically my life, and my son's) are the only ones that have had to change. I'm the one living back in parents house with about 4 changes of clothes and my shower bag.
I'm going to tell her that I gave her a month to give her "space" and I'm coming home. If she wants to leave next, she can leave. She will have to uproot the girls and take them with her. 
I'm done having to distract my son who doesn't want me to leave, just so I can leave because my wife wants her space.
That is where my head is at. I'm pretty sure she may hate it...but if we're going to divorce, we can still divorce but it will be that much more time I'm not splitting from my family...the one that she openly went into just as I did when we got married.
I'm doing the 180, I kind of feel this is part of it. Let her inconvenience herself for a while...I'm coming home.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi!

Glad that things are improving.

Have any of the kids been in counselling? I strongly recommend it, especially for your daughter!

Best wishes


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

I had and interesting weekend. My STBXW was originally planning on staying in our house and me in my granddad's for a month or so and once I figured out financing options then we would discuss living arrangements however this past week she's been working on a rental house that her stepdad owns and is now moved into that. 

So now I'm moved back in to our(my) house and let me tell you with all her stuff gone and half of the furniture it is a lonely place. 

She did ask me to help her move this weekend and no part of me wanted to other than I didn't have anything else going one so I spent all day yesterday and today with her getting everything moved. It was actually kind of a nice time. We joked and laughed. Which it's been awhile. 

It's pretty clear that we are over though. I'm definitely not trying to reconcile any more and just trying to figure out this alone thing. She's finally starting to agree on arrangements with my daughter which that and the school she goes to are the only 2 things that have mattered to me. 

I'm sure there are some rough days ahead but I think given time she will see what I want for our daughter is best for her I just have to wait until the STBXW thinks it was her idea then we will be golden!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HandyMan said:


> I just have to wait until the STBXW thinks it was her idea then we will be golden!


Classic!:smthumbup::lol:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Get into the best shape of your life, get new clothes, and ask for women's opinion on what to wear if your not fashionably inclined. Take care of your skin. For a guy, I use gold bond cream on my face, and it makes my skin supple. I clean my eyebrows, and man scape. Fortunately for me I don't have much. Learn to be playful and flirty. Learn to have fun when your child is not around. Become this exciting new person, and learn to do new things. Women will flock to you, and seek your attention instead. It is amazing what a positive attitude can have around people. They will naturally want to be around you.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

First, I am sorry that you are in this position. I think you know that in a Nice Guy convention, you could be elected president. You are a heck of a lot nicer than I am and that is ok, but is not always your best course of action. Having said that, being nice to serve your interest is fine, but it can be seen as a sign of weakness in a relationship. This does not mean you have to be a jerk, but you do have to stand up for yourself. 

I think that your wife has been herself this whole time and does not appreciate your contributions to the relationship. She will tell you she loves you, but what she is really saying is she likes you as a person, she appreciates you as a good father. While all these are good things a husband-wife relationship is so much more. Once everything is signed, you need to ween her from you always being there when she needs something. 

Also you know you are going to go through a plethora of emotions. There will be good and bad days, this just takes time to get over her. If you are having an emotional day, sit down and write her a long letter of everything you need so say. When you are finished, open a good bottle of wine and have a letter burning ceremony. I prefer Merlot, but that is just me. Continue with the exercise program, invest time in your children, family and friends. Don't answer her text, unless there is a question and unless it is urgent, don't feel you have to do it right away. Bottom line, you need to be too busy with your life to worry about what she is doing.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Get into the best shape of your life, get new clothes, and ask for women's opinion on what to wear if your not fashionably inclined. Take care of your skin. For a guy, I use gold bond cream on my face, and it makes my skin supple. I clean my eyebrows, and man scape. Fortunately for me I don't have much. Learn to be playful and flirty. Learn to have fun when your child is not around. Become this exciting new person, and learn to do new things. Women will flock to you, and seek your attention instead. It is amazing what a positive attitude can have around people. They will naturally want to be around you.


Minus the best shape of my life and the new clothes, the flirty, playful, fun guy is who I am naturally.. I have to just find it again. 

I have definitely maintained my weight from the first separation, even lost a few more pounds.. The working out is what I need to make myself start doing. I honestly hate working out but it's a great stress reliever and since I have lost the weight getting toned would be a good thing.

Finding other activities is what is going to be a challenge in the winter. The area I live in is very touristy in the summer and a ghost town in the winter. 

I know I will get there though.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

VFW said:


> First, I am sorry that you are in this position. I think you know that in a Nice Guy convention, you could be elected president. You are a heck of a lot nicer than I am and that is ok, but is not always your best course of action. Having said that, being nice to serve your interest is fine, but it can be seen as a sign of weakness in a relationship. This does not mean you have to be a jerk, but you do have to stand up for yourself.
> 
> I think that your wife has been herself this whole time and does not appreciate your contributions to the relationship. She will tell you she loves you, but what she is really saying is she likes you as a person, she appreciates you as a good father. While all these are good things a husband-wife relationship is so much more. Once everything is signed, you need to ween her from you always being there when she needs something.
> 
> Also you know you are going to go through a plethora of emotions. There will be good and bad days, this just takes time to get over her. If you are having an emotional day, sit down and write her a long letter of everything you need so say. When you are finished, open a good bottle of wine and have a letter burning ceremony. I prefer Merlot, but that is just me. Continue with the exercise program, invest time in your children, family and friends. Don't answer her text, unless there is a question and unless it is urgent, don't feel you have to do it right away. Bottom line, you need to be too busy with your life to worry about what she is doing.


Good stuff! Your right I would be the president.. lol

I'm definitely learning to only be nice when it serves my interest as you indicated. And I think once I get everything in writing as far as custody with my daughter and finances split it will be a whole lot easier to just say no! 

Luckily this time around ironically my first night out of the house an old friend from highschool found me on facebook and since then her and I have been talking non-stop which has helped a lot. Her and I were best friends through highschool and she went through a similar situation not long ago so that has definitely helped. Unfortunately she's 2 states away so face to face isn't practical but good thing for unlimited talk..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Keep the detaching and be warned that she may try and hook you back once you start dating, especially if you find a more attractive woman. Watch out for lines like,"Lets get back together for our daughter."

Best revenge is to strive to be the best person you can. Be positive around other people. Around her, wear a cool, calm, collective, and detach mask. Be aloof to her.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

How has it been going?


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Sorry took a few days off. Been trying to stay busy. My STBXW and I have I think finally agreed on everything as far as the divorce. Custody, Assets, Holidays, etc.. I'm definitely ready to get the D started. I just had to give her time to think it was all her idea.

Ironically though I'm eating ok, and sleeping fine but I'm definitely having a rough time and I'm missing her a lot. 

Weird thing is last night she texted out of the blue and accused me of seeing someone else which pissed me off cause #1 we both agreed to not see anyone else until after D day and I have been keeping up with my end of the deal and #2 I'm not even ready for anything/anyone else.

I think what it is was she is either wanting to pursue someone or is involved and she was trying to switch it up to make her feel better.

Not that any of this matters but it just hurts after everything she has done couldn't she at the very least be honest with me. Or maybe she is? I know that prolly 99% of the people here have been betrayed or lied too. I have already went through that once back in June and I just wanted to end this marriage on the same page as her and be treated with some dignity and respect. 

I have been hanging out with friends more, started back in church and Tuesday morning men's bible study and I'm trying to find the desire to get back to the gym but it seems like sitting at home is the right thing to do. My area is dead during the winter and my close friend base is rather small (only 2 other married couples) as I kept it that way when I was married. 

Anyways I'm still riding the roller coaster but at least I think there is an end in sight.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sitting at home is the worst thing you can do.....get to the gym!


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

> *#15 of the 180*If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.


I'm not in the habit of asking her but as I have to see her every day seems like we almost tell each other either intentionally or unintentionally. But tonight she had a work function for customers of her job and there was a possibility that the OM was going to be there. I asked her if was going to be there and she said she didn't know as she wasn't in charge of the guest list. 

I was near her work just a bit ago and seen a truck that looked very similar to the OM. I know that's stalkerish but I just had to know. 

What is weird is I'm not sure how I'm feeling about the whole situation. Part of me wants to text her and call her every name in the book. Part of me wants to throw s**t.. lol But a big part of me just doesn't care.

I just want the freaking truth from her. We are living apart and clearly getting a D. So why is it she just can't be honest.

There is a possibility that I'm just over reacting and this is harmless. Sorry for the rant. I really didn't have anyone to call so posting here is the next best thing.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

HandyMan said:


> I'm not in the habit of asking her but as I have to see her every day seems like we almost tell each other either intentionally or unintentionally. But tonight she had a work function for customers of her job and there was a possibility that the OM was going to be there. I asked her if was going to be there and she said she didn't know as she wasn't in charge of the guest list.
> 
> I was near her work just a bit ago and seen a truck that looked very similar to the OM. I know that's stalkerish but I just had to know.
> 
> ...




You want her to validate you, which she most likely will not do. You asking about the om shows signs of weakness, and what she does still affects you. Your level of detachment is not there yet. You checking on her shows too much focus on her. 

Calm down, and focus on yourself. Make plans with friends, hang out with women, it will boost your self-esteem. Make new friends, and find new things to do. Go traveling, and see new things, experience new things, all the new things you do will separate you further from her, as your living a new life, and starting a new chapter. Cut down contact to divorce and kids. Stop viewing yourself as her husband, that role is done and over with. She is just an ex you have children with. Also, she won't admit if she is cheating, she doesn't want to deal with the guilt. I wouldn't be surprise when the divorce is going on and she says she has a boyfriend.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You want her to validate you, which she most likely will not do. You asking about the om shows signs of weakness, and what she does still affects you. Your level of detachment is not there yet. You checking on her shows too much focus on her.
> 
> Calm down, and focus on yourself. Make plans with friends, hang out with women, it will boost your self-esteem. Make new friends, and find new things to do. Go traveling, and see new things, experience new things, all the new things you do will separate you further from her, as your living a new life, and starting a new chapter. Cut down contact to divorce and kids. Stop viewing yourself as her husband, that role is done and over with. She is just an ex you have children with. Also, she won't admit if she is cheating, she doesn't want to deal with the guilt. I wouldn't be surprise when the divorce is going on and she says she has a boyfriend.


I didn’t think of it as validation but that’s exactly what it is. My detachment is much better but your right just not there yet. And I really think showing zero interest no matter how bad it hurts is going to be the absolute best thing for me. 

I’ve definitely calmed down and I think the most important thing that you said and I’ve read was to stop viewing myself as her husband. Which is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I have prepared myself as much as I can for her to tell me she is seeing someone else but I almost think it would make me feel better to actually hear it from her then to find out by other means. 

I have definitely stopped trying to protect her when people ask about her. What I say is “She got tired of screwing around on me so she left”.

On the bright side though I got an appraisal for my house today and it looks like it’s going to come in high enough for me to be able to refinance and remove her from the loan.. Woohoo! 

And I think tomorrow I’m going to finish boxing up all of her things and then let her know to come get them.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Just an update

My STBXW is really starting to put the blame shift on. Just a week ago she and I decided on custody and school my D would be attending. Just last night she calls and now she is dead set on switching my D’s school and that I really need to consider her feelings, etc.. I told her that I’m sticking to my(our) original plan and I want her to stay in the school shes in because she wanted to move I didn’t this is on her. She drives past my daughter’s current school every day on the way to work so it’s not even an inconvenience.

I’m still able to be civil but I think my “give a damn” is about to be broken. And then that’s when I think I will be able to move on without worrying so much about hurting her feelings. After all she’s hurt mine for so long without any ownership or remorse.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

This has to do with power and control. She probably does not like the idea of you being free. She also is trying to get under your skin. Stay dispassionate, and state that during this time, it is best for your daughter to have stability. Trust me, she is not done with you. You were a part of her life for a while, if she sees you moving on, she will try and draw you in, especially if you start dating again.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> This has to do with power and control. She probably does not like the idea of you being free. She also is trying to get under your skin. Stay dispassionate, and state that during this time, it is best for your daughter to have stability. Trust me, she is not done with you. You were a part of her life for a while, if she sees you moving on, she will try and draw you in, especially if you start dating again.


I have wondered this actually! The dating part that is. She has told me that dating someone would be good for me. However I tend to agree with you that once she actually knows I'm dating it will be a different story. I already have a few prospects that I may pursue however right now I'm just focusing on me and my D. I'm not sure how long the divorce will drag out. I'm hoping we can lick this in the next 30 days if not sooner.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Funny thing today. She needed some help at her house today and while I was there we kind of flirted a bit and next thing I know she was like "I will be at your house in an hour". But she made sure that I knew it was only about the sex not about a R or emotions or anything. 

Long story short #1 if I'm gonna sleep with anyone who better than my wife. #2 I think once the divorce is final I honestly think we could really end up dating and possibly getting back together. 

Although with the divorce in the near future this "sexy time" could come to an abrupt end if things get ugly. I have definitely taken off my rose colored glasses and know exactly what I want from my divorce. And if that means I don't get the visits anymore than so be it. 

Either way I'm not putting my life on hold anymore, I'm just going with the motions and still working on me and making sure I'm better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't get ahead of yourself with thoughts of getting back together. This was only physical. And frankly, a mistake on your part.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't get ahead of yourself with thoughts of getting back together. This was only physical. And frankly, a mistake on your part.


Actually I read my post again and it definitely made it sound as if I feel a R is in my near future. Please rest assured that this physical act was just that in my thinking and I'm 100% following through with the divorce. 

She has caused me a lot of pain and I never had boundaries set to protect me. There is a long list of things that have to be met by me and my partner whomever that my be for me to even consider another relationship in the future.

My daughter is #1 to me right now and once everything is in black and white to protect my relationship with her than I will consider a relationship with her or someone else.

But I still have a long ways to go for me. My journey/healing/transformation is far from complete.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't get ahead of yourself with thoughts of getting back together. This was only physical. *And frankly, a mistake on your part*.


Why a mistake? Just curious on your point of view.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

HandyMan said:


> Why a mistake? Just curious on your point of view.








Its one thing if you can really handle it and just use her body. It just sounded like you were getting your hopes up.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

It's a mistake because she is still using and manipulating YOU with sex.... an easy target. Have some self respect and regain control by turning her A$$ down.

You are not capable of just "using her for sex" because she was your wife and you are still in love with her and think there is a chance this can all work out down the road. You are making a fool of yourself and continue to jump through her hoops. Really detaching (which is what you should be doing now) doesn't include having sex with soon to be ex wife.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

ToothFairy said:


> It's a mistake because she is still using and manipulating YOU with sex.... an easy target. Have some self respect and regain control by turning her A$$ down.
> 
> You are not capable of just "using her for sex" because she was your wife and you are still in love with her and think there is a chance this can all work out down the road. You are making a fool of yourself and continue to jump through her hoops. Really detaching (which is what you should be doing now) doesn't include having sex with soon to be ex wife.


Fair enough! 

I personally thought I was doing pretty good. I'm not sensitive to her anger or threats anymore. I finally starting believe that I'm better off with out. 

The only thing that gets under my skin these days are constant changes in our agreement with our daughter. That little girl is my world and when you start messing with my relationship with her then that's when I see red. 

I have managed to keep in under wraps in front of both of them as I would never want anything turned against me in court of otherwise. I usually call my mom or sister when I really need to unload. They are a good venting system.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Judge: And have you both lived seperate and apart for XXX days?
Her: Well actually we had sex just a few weeks ago.
Judge: Court mandates and extension of XXX days until the couple has lived seperate and apart for the required period.

SMH.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yeah, sex is a bad idea. It will leave you confused and with mixed emotions. Plus you wanting to return to her in the future will result in the same person that you are with right now. She has the same issues, and she will carry that with her whereever she goes. As for the custody agreement, you should have your attorneys draft one out and hash it out there. You need some legal documentation that you can use. If you want to be free from her influence as much as possible, you have to keep a distance. Only discuss your child, and unless it is about the divorce, you simply end the conversation there. She will draw you in if she can. The less words you use, the better. Don't engage in small talk. Until you move on, this should be your course of action.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

and for the love of god..stop running over to "help her move" and do other husband like things for her. She IS USING YOU! Cake Eating of the highest order! 

Cool.. actually I could use a guy like this.. just someone to do stuff for me like move, maybe fix my car.. have sex when I want it, but not live with me and crowd my space. :scratchhead:


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

So today we meet with one lawyer to see if we can agree to dissolve our marriage peacefully. The one and only thing that we still never ended up settling on is keeping my daughter in the school shes in which is what is her best interest.

Hopefully this lawyer is smart enough to see that and convince my STBXW of this. Otherwise I will gracefully excuse myself from this meeting and go retain another lawyer to let him take care of it.

I will post an update later tonight.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Well I'm home after meeting with the attorney. Luckily for me the attorney agreed with my stand point on the school district and was able to put it in such a way that she agreed as well. 

Either way we both agreed on everything and we both walked away feeling like we both got what we wanted. The attorney suggested a change of venue to a different county that would allow the process to be completely over in 45 days and we could both sign an affidavit which would allow us both to not even have to go to court. He would submit the papers and that would dissolve the marriage.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Back in February my STBXW and I booked a trip to Puerto Vallarta. Back in Oct she mentioned that she wasn't feeling it and wanted me to cancel and we would go somewhere locally for a weekend or something. However the trip was with my family 3 sisters, their husbands, Mom and Step-Dad. 

Well just yesterday I decided that I was going to go and finally do something for myself. Of course when I sprung it on the STBXW she completely came un-glued. And yelling at me about going on this trip.

You guys warned me as soon as I start doing my own thing she would do this. 

Either way I have been doing my own thing, going places with friends and just staying busy.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

good for you!! but, did she have to know that you were going? that's none of her business where and what you do with your life. all she needs to know is that you can't take your daughter this week/weekend or whatever arrangements you guys have.

she has no right to be yelling at you. Bitter maybe? lol.




HandyMan said:


> Back in February my STBXW and I booked a trip to Puerto Vallarta. Back in Oct she mentioned that she wasn't feeling it and wanted me to cancel and we would go somewhere locally for a weekend or something. However the trip was with my family 3 sisters, their husbands, Mom and Step-Dad.
> 
> Well just yesterday I decided that I was going to go and finally do something for myself. Of course when I sprung it on the STBXW she completely came un-glued. And yelling at me about going on this trip.
> 
> ...


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

you and i are actually going through the same exact thing. and reading all the responses that you have received actually helped me today.

the only difference is, i have finally gone cold turkey on my stbxh. this man has done so much wrong to me that it's a shameful thing. i have never ever done anything but be good to him even throughout all of his cheating, disrespect, financial abuse, you name it, it has been done. and i still find myself in love with the creep!! 

i finally blocked him from texting and calling me and this has been going on for a minute now and it feels great!! We do not have any children together either, so that makes a little easier for me too. he emailed me today and asked if i had changed my number. i just ignored it.

i say all that to say, you can do it!! the sun does shine again. you just have to believe it. 



rhonda1971 said:


> good for you!! but, did she have to know that you were going? that's none of her business where and what you do with your life. all she needs to know is that you can't take your daughter this week/weekend or whatever arrangements you guys have.
> 
> she has no right to be yelling at you. Bitter maybe? lol.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your not doing what she expected. This is not your usual pattern. She is not okay with having no control over you. Keep the talk to your daughter only. She does not get to be privileged to your life.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

rhonda1971 said:


> good for you!! but, did she have to know that you were going? that's none of her business where and what you do with your life. all she needs to know is that you can't take your daughter this week/weekend or whatever arrangements you guys have.
> 
> she has no right to be yelling at you. Bitter maybe? lol.


Since originally it was our vacation she knew where I was going and I tried to switch weekends with her so I could have my daughter otherwise I wouldn't have told her anything. VERY Bitter. lol




rhonda1971 said:


> you and i are actually going through the same exact thing. and reading all the responses that you have received actually helped me today.
> 
> the only difference is, i have finally gone cold turkey on my stbxh. this man has done so much wrong to me that it's a shameful thing. i have never ever done anything but be good to him even throughout all of his cheating, disrespect, financial abuse, you name it, it has been done. and i still find myself in love with the creep!!
> 
> ...


The sun is starting to shine for sure!




Mr.Fisty said:


> Your not doing what she expected. This is not your usual pattern. She is not okay with having no control over you. Keep the talk to your daughter only. She does not get to be privileged to your life.


Yes sir! That's exactly what I started doing daughter only! I finally figured out about 10 days ago that it will be impossible to remain "friends". Civil is doable but friends isn't gonna work. And no control has definitely proved to be the hot button cause when I was at home or church no worries but since I have started being social and doing my own thing it has been nothing but hateful.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> This has to do with power and control. She probably does not like the idea of you being free. She also is trying to get under your skin. Stay dispassionate, and state that during this time, it is best for your daughter to have stability. *Trust me, she is not done with you. You were a part of her life for a while, if she sees you moving on, she will try and draw you in, especially if you start dating again.*


You definitely called that one! I finally started going to local basketball games with my good friend as he has 3 kids in sports so it was a several night a week thing. 

Taking your advice and being that fun person I once was immediately attracted the attention of a really neat and beautiful lady. Someone I had known of in the past just never really talked to. 

We started really texting/talking around the 10th and we kinda of had our first date on the 16th of this month and then I left for Mexico on the 17th. I had a blast by the way.  Anyways, my STBXW caught wind of it and my phone blew up with I love yous, I will change, I will give everything up for you, etc, etc. That lasted for about 4 days and I think she finally got sick of me not responding. Then the day I got back she came over and did it again in person. I just told her that I was sorry she is feeling like this, however I'm not in love with her anymore. She said if you let me drive out of the driveway then it's over forever. Needless to say I didn't even turn around and watch.

I'm not gonna lie a part of me was hurt but I didn't show it but I really wish this would have happened months ago when I really did care about her when I took her back after her affair.

But then that night she called to inform me she is now changing the papers again and she is going to get every last dime she can, etc.. And that she had met someone just wanted to make sure I was done with her?? I just told her okay and went I retained a lawyer and come to find out her lawyer hasn't even filed yet so I'm having her served.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

HandyMan said:


> You definitely called that one! I finally started going to local basketball games with my good friend as he has 3 kids in sports so it was a several night a week thing.
> 
> Taking your advice and being that fun person I once was immediately attracted the attention of a really neat and beautiful lady. Someone I had known of in the past just never really talked to.
> 
> ...



It is just manipulation on her part. Her ego does not like the fact that you can move on from her. We all have a certain level of being egotistical, it is what gives us confidence. It is just on a scale is all. She still has an attachment towards you, and there is no indifference in her yet. Plus it is a biological response also. Funny thing about studying human nature, a lot of outcome is predictable. In part to her still having an attachment towards you, she is in competition with the other female. Due to her higher level of narcissism, it was a predictable outcome. Her rage in return is her sense of you attacking her ego. By you rejecting her, you attacked her, and she wants to punish you for it. Even though, she would likely return to leaving you again when she gets you back.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

remember her quest in life is to make her happy and you miserable, the happy you are the angrier she gets....stay the course and have some fun.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

This thread makes me smile. Way to go OP!


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

It's been awhile since the last update and I want to say that good things are now a constant in my life. Divorce should be official on May 4th..  

I'm still seeing the same wonderful lady that I met back in January. She is an absolute blessing to me and my children. My kids absolutely love her. My son (16) had absolutely no relationship with my ex and he is already reaching out to her as if she has been there forever. 

I will say that I do still battle some insecurity issues. I find that I have to remind myself that this new lady is not my ex and it's not necessary to try and analyse every situation and just accept it as face value. We had a really great talk tonight and she mentioned that sometimes she feels like I'm expecting that "other shoe to drop" and she will be gone which she followed with there is no "other shoe". She is rock solid and we compliment each other very well. I just need to stay the course and realize she's not my ex and things will be fine.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am happy to hear it, but remember, you need to be confident in yourself. You found a wonderful person because of your good qualities, and sometimes it is hard for us to accept that. Your ex did a number on your esteem, so it will take time to undo.

This also shows that leaving your wife was the correct choice. With her, you could never be an emotionally, mentally healthy person.

Also, you need balance in your life. Your happiness should never be too reliant on one thing, one person. You need happiness as you, and in return, you can share that happiness with your partner, your children, friends, and family. You can also find happiness from them as well.

Don't worry about progress too much, life is a progress until we die, or at least we should have that goal in mind. I am guessing that you are feeling better, knowing on how much you have changed, and change for the better.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I am happy to hear it, but remember, you need to be confident in yourself. You found a wonderful person because of your good qualities, and sometimes it is hard for us to accept that. Your ex did a number on your esteem, so it will take time to undo.


So true, so true. As I can finally look in the mirror and smile cause I know I am a good person and I deserve to be appreciated and happy. My confidence and selfesteem have greatly improved I realize that each day is progress in the right direction. I know it will take time to completely heal as I still have so lingering issues that pop up from time to time however even this new lady recognizes that as well and rather that brush the issues under the rug we discuss it like adults and get through it. 



Mr.Fisty said:


> This also shows that leaving your wife was the correct choice. With her, you could never be an emotionally, mentally healthy person.


Yes, it does. I have doubted this choice a few times. But it didn't take me long to realize how unhealthy that relationship really was. And now that I am with someone that doesn't suck the life out of me it feels great. Sad part is I used to spend time actually trying to remember what I miss about my ex and I can never find anything at all. Nothing. 



Mr.Fisty said:


> Also, you need balance in your life. Your happiness should never be too reliant on one thing, one person. You need happiness as you, and in return, you can share that happiness with your partner, your children, friends, and family. You can also find happiness from them as well.


So true....Just this morning I went to the gas station and I ran in to a friend of mine who I havent seen in a while. He just happen to see my son just the other day. My son told him that "My dad is really happy now and I actually get to spend time with him. His new girlfriend actually likes me and is nice to my dad." That in itself is something that really hit home for me. I sacrificed so many years of good quality time with my 2 older kids and now our relationship is so good and I'm not left feeling guilty spending time with them.



Mr.Fisty said:


> Don't worry about progress too much, life is a progress until we die, or at least we should have that goal in mind. I am guessing that you are feeling better, knowing on how much you have changed, and change for the better.


Change for the better without a doubt.


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