# How much undermining/rudeness can one mother child father relationship survive?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I’m in tears, sobbing, I’m sorry but yes my 9yo son can hear me. His last words as I left the room (saying ‘I really don’t care’ about whether or not he give me a notebook into which to stick four sheets of paper I’d pulled out to use to make notes of his rudeness, only to be admonished for that by his dad) were no you don’t care. You don’t care about anything. 
The previous six notes I made were as follows (verbatim) from him to me:
‘you’re no use at all’…. ‘you’re no use at all’….. ‘you’re no use at all. You don’t help in anything’ ‘Crazy’ (complete with fingers whirring around head, looking at me). On being asked by me what he was doing to a book of mine, ‘messing up your book’. 
All of this as a result of his dad being the natural better teacher but me being the one to deal with the foreign language element of his homework (usually, unless dad decides to attempt to help, with his limited (other language). We had issues doing the work he should have this morning. He was due to finish a half hour before the end of the day. He should have done it about two hours ago but dad and he decided to go in the pool instead and he would do it before supper (I’d said I believed it should be done BEFORE the pool). 
Come the half hour and he’s going ok then asks for the meaning of a word (not in itself you’d think an unreasonable request but his language teacher wants him to use the dictionary. We all know this, including son and dad. Then follows nightmare. Dad gets involved because I start making notes of son’s rudeness and son objects to me having used some of his paper from a notebook dad gave him. Instead of supporting me as to my reasons, he gets stuck in about not using paper ‘I’ve bought him’. OMG I feel so undermined, overwhelmed, at the end of my tether. If I can’t control or be seen to control, what use am I to him?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I've now had a conversation with OH in which he agreed 'this can't go on' and referred to me mentioning a cuople of days back about what he would be hoping for from his 12 days with us (which is the longest we've spent together, him and me, for ages....). He said 'not (son) & you rowing the whole time. I, though, hear 'I don't want to be here'. 
I've told him I feel useless; 
Then son said he'd finished homework, I asked to see it, we had a bit of pit-pat about how he didn't give me the book and pen nicely (thankfully dad helped on that one) and when it came to talking over any little errors, they'd already started playing with the Lego so I was treated like an interruption and given short shrift with no backup or intervention from dad.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

madimoff said:


> I've now had a conversation with OH in which he agreed 'this can't go on' and referred to me mentioning a cuople of days back about what he would be hoping for from his 12 days with us (which is the longest we've spent together, him and me, for ages....). He said 'not (son) & you rowing the whole time. I, though, hear 'I don't want to be here'.
> I've told him I feel useless;
> Then son said he'd finished homework, I asked to see it, we had a bit of pit-pat about how he didn't give me the book and pen nicely (thankfully dad helped on that one) and when it came to talking over any little errors, they'd already started playing with the Lego so I was treated like an interruption and given short shrift with no backup or intervention from dad.


Let dad run the show while he's there - fun and work. If dad doesn't get homework done, let son experience natural consequences such as trouble with teacher etc. Don't nag - ask once. If dad wants to get involved let him run show. What were you doing writing down what son said? Don't pay attention to his bad stuff by writing it down - it gives him power. Walk away and say your ears can't hear when he speaks disrespect. When he wants something from you play it up. You're on your own here, dad's ticked at you for something and enjoying making you the bad guy for your son. Your son is enjoying the power struggle and getting attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Let dad run the show while he's there - fun and work. If dad doesn't get homework done, let son experience natural consequences such as trouble with teacher etc. Don't nag - ask once. If dad wants to get involved let him run show. What were you doing writing down what son said? Don't pay attention to his bad stuff by writing it down - it gives him power. Walk away and say your ears can't hear when he speaks disrespect. When he wants something from you play it up. You're on your own here, dad's ticked at you for something and enjoying making you the bad guy for your son. Your son is enjoying the power struggle and getting attention.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I feel a lot better that someone's replied. You also speak a lot of sense (can you feel a 'but' coming?!)
however
if I walk away - I like your suggestion about ears not hearing disrespect - how do I then get the homework done without repeated nagging given that dad's responsible for subjects w, x & y and I'm responsible for z, which dad largely doesn't know in any detail. (language of the country). We've agreed he needs to do vacation cramming to bring him up to speed, this is what we're talking about so the teacher isn't going to be expecting any of the work being done. But she DOES expect him, for example, to use a dictionary, check words for himself, etc. That was explained clearly and I am trying to make sure son sticks to it. Dad's big on saying how I had homework/teaching friction with my two elder children (not his) which is at least 60% true so basically it's in my court to be different, or something. He knows I know he's the better teacher. The whole thing is a mess to sort. 
Thanks again for input, very grateful.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Thanks, I feel a lot better that someone's replied. You also speak a lot of sense (can you feel a 'but' coming?!)
> however
> if I walk away - I like your suggestion about ears not hearing disrespect - how do I then get the homework done without repeated nagging given that dad's responsible for subjects w, x & y and I'm responsible for z, which dad largely doesn't know in any detail. (language of the country). We've agreed he needs to do vacation cramming to bring him up to speed, this is what we're talking about so the teacher isn't going to be expecting any of the work being done. But she DOES expect him, for example, to use a dictionary, check words for himself, etc. That was explained clearly and I am trying to make sure son sticks to it. Dad's big on saying how I had homework/teaching friction with my two elder children (not his) which is at least 60% true so basically it's in my court to be different, or something. He knows I know he's the better teacher. The whole thing is a mess to sort.
> Thanks again for input, very grateful.


You don't get homework done and he doesn't. When he gets in trouble daddy explains it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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