# not fair



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

My husband just texted me to let me know that he feels like the worst father and misses the boys. He also let me know that he is still crying on a nightly basis. He says he has no idea what he is supposed to do with his life now. I texted him back telling him I am here for him if he wanted to talk. He replied by saying he cant. His life has no value anymore and he hates what he has become. I told him I wish I knew what to say and to please call. He said he cant call and nobody has an answer for him.... duh...I do....fix our marriage....together.....forgive me.......I am here waiting. I asked him to please not push me away. I want to be there for you. He said he cant and he is sorry that he texted me. It wasnt fair and he just wanted to let me know he read the letter I gave him and it made him a little sad and sorry to have bothered me. WTH???? I am so upset and sad now...I am shaking and crying.....now what do I do???


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

wow, that seems like he is really tugging you around. You can be there for him, but not as his friend, he needs to reach out to someone else in his life for that. Is there someone in his life you can get to give him a call, see if he is alright?


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

He said he was going to bed...the doctor put him on ambien and zoloft...and the ambien took longer to take effect. I just want to know if I have a chance in hell in reconciliation.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Denise...OMG I'm so sorry you have to deal with this now on top of everything. Why does he have to put that load on you now,he dumps you and now he is whining how miserable he is...it doesn't make sense.
I want you to try and clam down,you have no control over the situation and nothing you do will help it at the moment.You offered your help,that is plenty...heck that is wayyy to generous. 
Just think about whatever is going to happen...is going to happen regardless of what you do.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

vivea said:


> Denise...OMG I'm so sorry you have to deal with this now on top of everything. Why does he have to put that load on you now,he dumps you and now he is whining how miserable he is...it doesn't make sense.
> I want you to try and clam down,you have no control over the situation and nothing you do will help it at the moment.You offered your help,that is plenty...heck that is wayyy to generous.
> Just think about whatever is going to happen...is going to happen regardless of what you do.


I know...it make no sense at all. And it is making me go crazy in the meantime. He is the one that made the choice to leave. He is the one making the choice not to come back. All he has to do is make the decision to work things out....I can/will move forward from that point on.....but he still won't. I really don't think I am that bad of a person to where someone would rather be miserable and cry on a daily basis than to forgive and move past this situation....


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

what you're doing isn't working? try something different. set up a time to meet----just you two (maybe his place). Lay your cards on the table and let him know that he can have his family if he chooses but that he needs to take action. what do you have to lose?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I am sorry to hear you are going thru that. Sounds like my situation. my husband who is also saying he feels awful doing this to the kids. Yet he's not willing to try to work with me on issues. He is supposed to have an appt with a shrink, but says he does not need medication. I tihnk he does as hes obviously depressed, will see where his appt goes. 

I think the best thing you can do, & I'm trying to do this as well, is to let him know you are there for him to talk ot if he needs to. Not that you can make him do it, but make sure he knows it is always an option. Perhaps you can call a friend of his who can give him some support too? 
I know you are very upset by this, but try to stay positive & strong. That will appeal to him, even though he wont realize it, and he may slowly start coming back to you to talk. Really sucks that we have to be the strong ones thru this for our kids, and also husbands who bailed out on us, when we are having a hard time holding our selves together.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

This is just my opinion, and I'm not trying to be harsh, but where does he get the nerve???? HE'S crying every night? HE'S so upset over the situation? What about you?? You've been taken down farther than anyone should have to go and he's still trying to get you to go lower - to feel sorry for him when he's the one that caused this. ... I think he counts on you feeling bad for him. He knows that you'll always be there for the soft landing and to pick up the pieces if he chooses. What would he do if you were gone? I might think about showing him that. Really showing him that you're gone. Not just out of the house and not physically available, but emotionally detached. To me, it seems like he's going to torture you like this for as long as you let him. It's not like he's begging to come back. He hands you a line of b.s. just to make you feel bad too, but won't take the final leap into some sort of agreement to try to fix things. He's sitting on the fence and I would do whatever it takes - the 180/no contact, etc. - to knock him right off. Again, that takes some nerve.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

I know exactly how he feels, mind you, it was not my choice to leave my family


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Here is the next issue....husband moved out end of December. The time has come to where my kids and I need to find a new place to live. If you read my earlier posts....I feel I have 2 options on where to move. 

Option 1
Close to where my husband lives...so that he can be close to the boys (even though he hasnt called or talked to them in over a week). But....I don't fault my husband...he is depressed and not himself at all. Not only would my kids have to start a new school....I would have to either commute to my jobs that I have had for 9yrs and 20yrs or find a new job and kids would have to go to before care and after care.

Option 2
Move to the city where I work....my family and his family live in the same city. The kids would have to start a new school here as well. This is the city I was born and raised in...but we would be an hour away from my husband/their dad.

Actually this evening I am going to go look at a condo in the city where I work. Perfect location and perfect rent BUT I know if I move there...then there would be NO chance of reconciliation....I dont know what is best for me or my kids. I want nothing more than to reconcile with my husband...and stilll....if there is an ounce of hope remaining...I dont want to do anything to ruin that chance. I agree...it is so not fair of him to tell me how he still cries daily, how his life has no purpose, etc.....it is such a knife to my heart. While alot of people would be so mad...I am not....I just want him. I want my family.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Hiya Denise...

It's funny how they put us through the ringer, and yet we always look out for what is best for them...we, as those left behind, always look to put what is best for them before healing ourselves...

go look at the condo, and if it works for you, take it and don't look back...you've given him more than enough time, energy, caring...and love, to make things work...now do something for yourself!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Hey DiF, depression sucks, and I'm not referring to you feeling a bit sad. I'm talking about diagnosed acute depression where you have to start taking the damn pills, where you can't sleep for more than an hour or two in one shot even after taking sleeping pils, where you all of a sudden start bawling your eyes out and can't stop no matter how hard you try, where you look around and can't think a bloody reason for being here, no self worth, alone even when you are with people that you love and know they love you.

I love my wife still, I love my kids, there is nothing more I want than to be able to go back home to my wife & kids.  
(jsyk, bawling my eyes out right now!)


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Look at the condo. What do the kids think about moving to the city? Perhaps it would be good for them to be closer to grandparents & relatives?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> Hey DiF, depression sucks, and I'm not referring to you feeling a bit sad. I'm talking about diagnosed acute depression where you have to start taking the damn pills, where you can't sleep for more than an hour or two in one shot even after taking sleeping pils, where you all of a sudden start bawling your eyes out and can't stop no matter how hard you try, where you look around and can't think a bloody reason for being here, no self worth, alone even when you are with people that you love and know they love you.
> 
> I love my wife still, I love my kids, there is nothing more I want than to be able to go back home to my wife & kids.
> (jsyk, bawling my eyes out right now!)


Crankshaw, if I offended in what I said, I'm sorry...I in no way want to make less of what those suffering depression go through...I can't imagine what that would be like, nor do I want to...sorry...

but I have followed Denise's post for awhile, and she messed up...forked up big time, caused the whole separation issue and has owned up to it, she has done everything she can possibly do tyo make things right...and she gets nothin back in return...she gets calls, clearly asking for help, and when she offers said help, runs into a brick wall...

it's time she heals herself...moves on...she has kids to take care of, and herself...


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

DjF said:


> Hiya Denise...
> 
> It's funny how they put us through the ringer, and yet we always look out for what is best for them...we, as those left behind, always look to put what is best for them before healing ourselves...
> 
> go look at the condo, and if it works for you, take it and don't look back...you've given him more than enough time, energy, caring...and love, to make things work...now do something for yourself!!!


Your statement is so true!!! For the last 20 years I have put my needs/wants on the back burner. I am just finding it difficult to try and be happy with me knowing that my husband is in a deep dark hole. I want to help him so much.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> Hey DiF, depression sucks, and I'm not referring to you feeling a bit sad. I'm talking about diagnosed acute depression where you have to start taking the damn pills, where you can't sleep for more than an hour or two in one shot even after taking sleeping pils, where you all of a sudden start bawling your eyes out and can't stop no matter how hard you try, where you look around and can't think a bloody reason for being here, no self worth, alone even when you are with people that you love and know they love you.
> 
> I love my wife still, I love my kids, there is nothing more I want than to be able to go back home to my wife & kids.
> (jsyk, bawling my eyes out right now!)


Crankshaw---

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I have not been diagnosed with depression....and I truly cant comprehend what it must be like....all I know is the way I feel is the most horrible feeling in the world....and I cant imagine having depression sitting on top as well. Everything you described is exactly my husband's situation. Like DJF said....I messed up big time. I apologized big time. However, I have found it to be not enough or not what my husband is looking for. I need to move on with my life...I guess I just don't want to.... wishing you the best of luck with you.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Aww crankshaw that hurts me to think of somebody being in so much pain. Hang in there, there are times you have to take it minute by minute. 
I wonder if thats what my husband feels, wish he would let somebody in as these are the times when you need a good friend. 

Do you have somebody to talk to?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

right now my daughter is sitting in the next room, but I don't want to burden her, if your partner has depression, there is very little you can do till they get professional help.

I wish my wife was as understanding as you are, but she says I am using depression as an excuse and to get sympathy 
That is how angry she is with me


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Well no you couldnt put this upon your daughter, that wouldnt be fair. But we're here - not sure how much use we are but we try - right?!

Your depression is not an excuse. I think she will see that when time has cleared her head, but right now she is angry. Probably in order to protect herself from any other pain. Anger gets misdirected. 

You just work on getting yourself thru this. If you have a good friend close by, great. If not just holler and we're here for u. Might take a bit with the time difference and all, but anytime. Alright?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I have suffered through mental illness myself and my husband is going through it. I've been supportive when I can but in the end, until the day comes when he looks in the mirror and says "I am the problem and only I can fix it" then there will be no fix. No one can fix anyone else's problem. 

Denise, what you can do is fix yourself and learn to live life regardless. As for moving, I'd do what's good for YOU and the KIDS. Don't worry about your husband. He needs to make the decision to reconcile. He needs to make the decision to fix his problems and take steps to get medical treatment and therapy. It is his decision alone to make. 

What you need to do is make the proper decisions to keep your kids happy and secure and get on with living your life. 

For me, it's been 1. Kids 2. Me 3. Husband. I love my husband but he's on his own when it comes to helping himself. I can't do it for him.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I have suffered through mental illness myself and my husband is going through it. I've been supportive when I can but in the end, until the day comes when he looks in the mirror and says "I am the problem and only I can fix it" then there will be no fix. No one can fix anyone else's problem.


He needs to admit to himself he has a problem, then do something about it, agreed.



> Denise, what you can do is fix yourself and learn to live life regardless. As for moving, I'd do what's good for YOU and the KIDS. Don't worry about your husband. He needs to make the decision to reconcile. He needs to make the decision to fix his problems and take steps to get medical treatment and therapy. It is his decision alone to make.
> 
> What you need to do is make the proper decisions to keep your kids happy and secure and get on with living your life.
> 
> For me, it's been 1. Kids 2. Me 3. Husband. I love my husband but he's on his own when it comes to helping himself. I can't do it for him.


My own wellbeing was down a long way on the list, very hard to change that I am afraid.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Well no you couldnt put this upon your daughter, that wouldnt be fair. But we're here - not sure how much use we are but we try - right?!
> 
> Your depression is not an excuse. I think she will see that when time has cleared her head, but right now she is angry. Probably in order to protect herself from any other pain. Anger gets misdirected.
> 
> You just work on getting yourself thru this. If you have a good friend close by, great. If not just holler and we're here for u. Might take a bit with the time difference and all, but anytime. Alright?


thanks for that, I think all of you should move here, that would fix the time difference problem


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

you paying the moving expense???...change of scenery might do me good!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> you paying the moving expense???...change of scenery might do me good!


yeah, no worries - right after I will tatts, ok


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> yeah, no worries - right after I will tatts, ok


you had me at "no worries"....


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

denise, worry about you and the kids first at this point. he's got to "step up" if something is to change. good luck. and check out the condo.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> My own wellbeing was down a long way on the list, very hard to change that I am afraid.


Sounds like you need to think more highly of yourself. I have the same problem. Low self esteem? How about NO self esteem!  It's only recently that I've learned what to take seriously about what my husband says to me. He knows just how to tear me apart..to the point where I was literally tearing into myself (self mutilating) as a result. I don't do that anymore. He's not worth it and I'm worth more than that but he's still giving it his best shot at times. 

But I am still burdened with guilt for some of my past mistakes. I didn't help the situation in many ways but I'm not the demon that my husband sometimes makes me out to be. I tell myself that it's HIS illness that is the problem. "We are separate sides of the same coin". He doesn't like hearing that. 

The problem is to be able to see the proverbial forest from the trees. Your wife is angry and feeling betrayed but it's not necessarily YOUR fault. Don't blame yourself. 

Another thing to keep in mind is that coming back from the depths of mental illness doesn't take days, weeks or months but YEARS. Plus, often the medication or therapist you are seeing doesn't work the first time, or the second time or even the third. It often takes multiple attempts. 

I was depressed for many years and it took almost as long to undo it...almost 10 years and I'm still working on things. My husband says I haven't changed but I know that I have. Ten years ago I wouldn't have been able to do the things I'm doing now for my kids and myself. I know that. 

Don't be too hard on yourself.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

> Sounds like you need to think more highly of yourself. I have the same problem. Low self esteem? How about NO self esteem!


pretty spot on, my daughter, bless her golden heart, told me the other pretty much the same thing, other think more highly of me than I do myself.



> The problem is to be able to see the proverbial forest from the trees. Your wife is angry and feeling betrayed but it's not necessarily YOUR fault. Don't blame yourself.


I have to accept some of the blame for the current situation, takes 2 to tango.



> Don't be too hard on yourself.


My instructor, when I was going for my truck & trailer license said my only downfall was that my expectations of myself were too high !


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> you had me at "no worries"....


:lol:


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