# My Husband Always Chooses Family Over Me



## Insearchofhope (Nov 25, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years, been together 20 and we have a 6 year old daughter. My husband has two sisters, Jane who has a powerful job, husband and kids and the other, Alice, who has no job, no husband and no children. My relationship with the powerful sister has always been rocky because in my opinion she is a very egotistical, cold person who is hypocritical and my relationship with the other sister has pretty much been non existent because she lacks the social skills or desire to even pursue one with me. 

Until a couple years ago, there was no real problem, because even though I was not close with Jane or Alice, we were able to keep things pleasant and friendly for the sake of the family. A couple of years ago I battled a serious problem with addiction to prescription pills. I went to rehab for a couple of months and by the grace of a God, I was able to overcome it, so now I have been sober and in recovery for a year and a half now and I'm doing better than ever. Jane prides herself with her strong moral code and values and was very hard on me in a non-supportive, extremely judgmental way when I was in rehab. Ever since then, she treats me like I'm a lesser human being and talks down to me in a condescending manner almost as if I were a child. I have made a great effort to have a relationship with her because we both have children who are of course cousins wanting see each other and I know how important my husband's sisters are to him. 

My husband has always looked up to Jane and as I see it now, almost worships her because she has been so successful in life. Although we are not poor, Jane is wealthy and has an influential job and my husband has measured her worth accordingly. Although he admits that she can be abrasive, he feels like she can do no wrong. I have contacted Jane numerous times to make plans and she either flakes or completely ignores me. I have made myself available to her and I have offered to drive out her way anytime she wants because I know she is busy, but she never contacts me. She and her children were really close to my daughter a couple years ago and by shunning me, she has also cut off my daughter which to me is an inexcusable thing to do to a child. 

When I discuss this with my husband, he instantly defends Jane and tells me I am not trying hard enough or tells me I am just bitter about the past. Because Jane can be so intimidating and short with me in person, I texted her a long message explaining to her how much I love her and her kids in which I asked her to set the past aside and start fresh. I basically poured my heart out to her and she waited about 10 hours to reply and in her response completely ignored what I said and instead made a remark about Halloween plans. 

This has become a huge issue in my household now. I feel like my husband should defend me and protect my heart, but instead he blames everything on me. When I was in rehab, I felt like he needed to ask her to step off and quit being so cruel to me but he never did. Now he is saying that I am deliberately trying to keep our daughter away from his family because I don't like his sisters which is so far from the truth. It's also not just this dynamic, I feel like we are not a team in general. He is more likely to support someone else, before he supports me. There is a definite lack of respect. We fight about this daily and have discussed divorce several times. 

I'm not asking my husband to write his sisters off or cut them out of our lives. He should love them and have a relationship with them. I just want to feel like I come first and my feelings are validated and protected. Does anyone else feel similar or am I wrong to feel like I should come first?


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Insearchofhope said:


> This has become a huge issue in my household now. I feel like my husband should defend me and protect my heart, but instead he blames everything on me. When I was in rehab, I felt like he needed to ask her to step off and quit being so cruel to me but he never did. Now he is saying that I am deliberately trying to keep our daughter away from his family because I don't like his sisters which is so far from the truth. It's also not just this dynamic, I feel like we are not a team in general. He is more likely to support someone else, before he supports me. There is a definite lack of respect. We fight about this daily and have discussed divorce several times.


Sounds rough, I have a similar inlaw sister, although the issue revolves around the fact that I had a miscarriage, I say "I" because in her eyes my husband could not possibly be to blame. The field of genetics may have something to say about that! Sheesh!

Best advice I can give you: Stop reaching out to the sisters. If your co-worker shunned you so much, would you continue to subject yourself to their abuse? I hope not. Think of them as co-workers. They do their roll, and they're emotionally checked out. You should do the same.

I only say this because by continuing to invite them into your life you are only exposing yourself to their cruelty and not loving yourself. You say things like "Shouldn't my husband stick up for me." Cold hard truth I had to learn: I have to stick up for myself. Your husband may be afraid of sticking up for you. Their family dynamic is engrained in his head. He's probably scared they will emotionally abandon him the way they have you. Yes, it's messed up.

So, once I started giving my in-law sister polite, but real boundaries, suddenly my husband was on board and realized how crazy her behavior was. 

If you want some one to respect you, you have to demonstrate you respect yourself, and you will not let them walk all over you or cry out helplessly at each transgression. 

Just stand up straight, stop reaching out to them, and when they say or act catty, kill them with kindness, ie, "Well, I tried inviting you over so many times, but kept getting radio silence, I know you're busy. So, I thought I'd give you your space."

You may be surprised at how respectfully denying them and your husband to walk all over you may change the dynamic. 

You concurred your addiction, you can do this. You can do anything you put your mind too. Just politely say "no, you will not walk on me," and "no, this will no longer be an issue in my marriage."


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

For me, a single session of couples therapy got me about 80% of what I was looking for. My wife had her eyes opened to my feelings and ended up writing a letter to her antagonistic sister. The response came back and pretty much exposed that her sister hates me and has projected all kind of ill upon me. Which was icing on the cake.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is in the wrong. How would he like it if you didn't have his back? I'd be tempted to tell him to go live with Jane since he's so smitten with her. 

Dig out your marriage vows and they may contain a clause about cleaving unto your wife and leaving your family. He's still so wound up in family of origin dynamics that he doesn't realize you and your daughter are his family now - the rest are peripheral.

Don't fight over this anymore. He clearly won't get it until Jane starts being snarky and snotty to him. If he starts in on you about his sis, walk out of the room. You don't need to take his crap on top of hers.

The fact that she was cruel to you while in rehab shows she's a merciless witch. To hell with her and good job on getting off the pills. Just an aside, a person who is so self-righteous and judgmental probably has a few skeletons in their closet.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Have you tried counselling?


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> so now I have been sober and in recovery for a year and a half now and I'm doing better than ever.


Congratulations.



> I have contacted Jane numerous times to make plans and she either flakes or completely ignores me. I have made myself available to her and I have offered to drive out her way anytime she wants because I know she is busy, but she never contacts me. She and her children were really close to my daughter a couple years ago and by shunning me, she has also cut off my daughter which to me is an inexcusable thing to do to a child.


I think you need to accept that you're both different enough that there isn't going to be a relationship. She's less likely rather than more likely to respond the harder you try. Unfortunately, the cousins will have to see each other less often as a result.



> When I discuss this with my husband, he instantly defends Jane and tells me I am not trying hard enough or tells me I am just bitter about the past.


He's wrong not to be on your side but bringing her up to him puts him in the middle of a bad situation.



> Because Jane can be so intimidating and short with me in person, I texted her a long message explaining to her how much I love her and her kids in which I asked her to set the past aside and start fresh. I basically poured my heart out to her and she waited about 10 hours to reply and in her response completely ignored what I said and instead made a remark about Halloween plans.


Logic-driven people don't do well with long, emotional text messages. They see it as drama. Its not surprising she ignored it. You are very different people and see things very differently. You just have to accept that. What you see as cold isn't exactly that...and they way she sees you is probably not correct either. The point is, you're not the same and probably have very incompatible personality types that are not going to every mesh well.



> I feel like we are not a team in general. He is more likely to support someone else, before he supports me. There is a definite lack of respect. We fight about this daily and have discussed divorce several times.


This isn't good. He should always be on your side even if he doesn't completely agree with your position. He should be attacking you for it. I agree with the the previous poster suggesting marriage counselling.


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## Insearchofhope (Nov 25, 2015)

Thank you. Counseling is our next step before we decide to separate, but he is so sure that any counselor we get is going to "put me in my place" and he has warned me several times to prepare for it . I think he will be surprised when things don't go as he planned. I am researching therapists right now and hope to have one by next week before I tear my hair out over this.


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## Insearchofhope (Nov 25, 2015)

Thank you. I get so frustrated with Jane because for the life of me I don't understand her and cannot figure out why she behaves the way she does. I am very emotional, sensitive and introverted and never once thought that her reaction to my feelings could actually just be a normal reaction from a person with her personality traits. It helps me figure out how to approach the whole situation in a different manner, rather than just responding with hurt feelings and as she would see it, "drama". Thank you for your introspect!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

" I have contacted Jane numerous times to make plans." You should not cater to Jane nor try to get her friendship. Be confident, distant, and respectful. Jane dominated your husband. Stop worrying about whether you meet her requirements. 

"She and her children were really close to my daughter a couple years ago and by shunning me, she has also cut off my daughter which to me is an inexcusable thing to do to a child." No one tried to put a wedge between the children; it was apparently your call to minimize their contact. You should make it clear to your daughter that she is free to see her cousin and facilitate any get togethers without again catering to Jane.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

So how often are you around these people? You want to tear up your husband's relationship with a sibling he admires because you are sensitive? Maybe she was supportive of him while you were gone.

Does your husband get any credit for standing by you? Or is your fuss because you thought he should support you more during your tough time?

This sounds very one sided. His sister is blood. She will always be his sister and you two are contemplating divorce. Sounds like you need to rebuild your relationship with your husband before you start demanding he change his relationships with family. 

Does his defending you to a sister, or not, really mean divorce?

Good job on getting help with the pills, you are strong and you need your own family now, stop fighting, forgive and forget about the sisters for now and love that child and husband up until you all forget this crap. *God speed*


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

lifecolorful said:


> Best advice I can give you: Stop reaching out to the sisters.


This^^^^^^, Ignore them. Don't let them ruin your marriage. Don't ask about them, invite them or show any interest whatsoever. And stop worrying about why they don't like you. Who cares? It's their problem not yours. And yes, it is hurtful that your H won't stand up for you. Stand up for yourself by cutting off contact with them. However, as another poster has said, there's no reason why the children (cousins) should not see each other.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Insearchofhope said:


> I'm not asking my husband to write his sisters off or cut them out of our lives. He should love them and have a relationship with them. I just want to feel like I come first and my feelings are validated and protected. Does anyone else feel similar or am I wrong to feel like I should come first?


I'm not really sure why you are chasing after his sister so much. You should definitely feel like you come first for him, however, your actions don't show that. He looks up to his sister and there's his wife, chasing after his sister, crying for attention, depressed and confused when his sister doesn't respond. You're making it all about her.

I just don't think you'll ever be buddies with this woman. Give up already. If you want to invite someone our for a cuppa, invite a friend who you actually enjoy spending time with. If your husband wants to spend time with his sister, that's cool, but it doesn't mean you have to.

If he has a problem with you not spending enough time with his sister (really??? does it really matter?), tell him that you spending time with her is not him spending time with her and if he wants to spend time with his sister, he's more than welcome.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Insearchofhope said:


> Thank you. Counseling is our next step before we decide to separate, but he is so sure that any counselor we get is going to "put me in my place" and he has warned me several times to prepare for it . I think he will be surprised when things don't go as he planned. I am researching therapists right now and hope to have one by next week before I tear my hair out over this.


He has no respect for you and likely sees himself as better than you too. Honestly, if it were me......knowing what I know now, of course.....I would just separate. My ex was like this with his family. They always came before me and the kids. He would send them money, join in on the "make fun of GA HEART" fests at get togethers, and make sure to go out with only them when we all got together. Good riddance.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

P.S. Go to counseling though, for sure......someone who will help you see more that is likely going on in the marriage. His "put you in your place" statement speaks VOLUMES to me (albeit as an outsider.)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Pretend jane was a gorilla. Is there anything you can say to a gorilla to make her treat you better? Eventually it becomes your fault for getting hurt becuase you try to get close to a gorilla. 

With your husband you have to come up with one standard reponse to everything. I.e. "As soon as Jane stops treating me badly she will be welcome in my life".. Memorize this and say it every time your husband voices a complaint with you regarding his sister.


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