# Dear men... what does my husband need from me?



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

My husband is an amazing man! He is very intelligent, skilled in SO many areas, handsome, strong, loving, caring, ... . He left his home country/family/friends for me and gave up his old job. He started to learn a new language (of my home country). He started to help my family out a LOT. 

We had our bad times, as well. The worst was when last year my father died. This brought a big depression into the whole family. My father was a wonderful person, a great family man, very praised in his job... . 

Well, now we are at a point, where we just "exist" and not live anymore. 
We have big goals. Leave the country and move to a nice new place. Start a new business together. Make good money, so we can build an own home. Travel a lot. Be happy! 
The reality though looks like this: Sex maybe 2x/month. Husband playing online games 24/7. No sports anymore. No making money. No building up anything. No healthy living. No finishing his driver's license renewal for here, so we can get away. No motivation at all. I don't know anymore what to do. I have communicated a lot and theoretically he understand me and we seem to have the same understanding, but practical nothing changes. I struggle a LOT with keeping my own motivation alive/ building it up again, all by myself. 
I wish so much we would both work towards our goals. But I just don't know anymore how to motivate him. I see him sit there every day and night and just waste all his talent and brain and life. I know there is nothing that he could not do, if only he would start to do it. 
Now when I say something he feels pushed, nagged, ordered around. 

What can I do to motivate my husband?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Your husband sounds depressed. Has he been doing any counseling, or any treatment for this depression?

It sounds like YOU have big goals; it doesn't sound like he shares those goals, or is working towards them in any way. Unfortunately, you can't make him DO anything; he is an adult with his own free will. The questions for you is this: if he doesn't change, and if he stays unmotivated and listless forever, is that something you want to live with? Because WITH him, you may not reach those goals, if you're the only one pulling weight. Are you willing to let him pull you down, too? Right now, he's not being a partner, and you can't carry both of you forever.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Agree he sounds depressed. Or, could be low T. Or thyroid. Problem is, he's not very motivated to fix this, so you'll need to encourage him to get tested.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I feel like part of the picture is missing. You ascribe all if these great qualities to your husband but say that he is currently unmotivated. Was he motivated when your father was alive? Was there some event that changed him from being motivated to the way he is now?

Or was he always this way? I doubt that because a depressed person probably doesn't leave their country to start fresh in another one. Takes more energy than they have. 

So what happened to switch him off?


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Once he focusses on something, he totally focusses on it. May it be work, games, creating something, simple garden work, ... . I know he uses games as a distraction. He has said so. Simply because other things bore him after a while. 
The goals are OUR goals. He wants to travel. He wants to move. He, more than me, wants to build an own house. He even talks now and then about getting children. It seems to me like he is just stuck somehow. Sometimes he has a phase when he does lots of sport and then he seems more motivated also, but then suddenly it will stop and for weeks and months he is back in this lazy cycle. His blood work is okay. Testosterone I am not sure, but it does get higher when he does sport.  
When my father was alive we both did more, yes. My father had a very sudden diagnosis and died shortly after that. A shock for the whole family. He was important for my husband, of course, but they only knew each other for 2 years. I am the one who lays awake still every night thinking about him now, as he was my father. Ergo, I barely have motivation enough for myself. No counseling, not in the past and 100% not in the future (not his thing).


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

1) Yes your husband sounds like he is depressed or has low thyroid. Be sure he gets a good thorough evaluation, including going to a psychologist to evaluate for depression. Don't just go to the family doc, who is not really qualified to diagnose depression.

2) Get the book "Mood Cure". If he is chemically depressed or has other imbalances, there are cheap safe natural supplements which can help tremendously. 5-HTP is used by many psychologists to treat depression, and it is proven as effective as Rx meds but without the side effects. I am very anti-Rx long term use of anti-depressants because of the side effects. 5-HTP and the other remedies in the book are safe and only used short term.

3) Set boundaries with him. You can try to use some cognitive therapy in terms of explaining things to him, such as you're never going to have that house you both want if he doesn't get a decent job, but you need some consequences for bad behavior. So you have to tell him your expectations and the consequences of him crossing over the limits. If he lies about all day, you're not doing his laundry or cooking his meals.

4) If necessary, treat him like a teenager. Put a password on the internet router and only allow him an hour of access a day. Take him off the cell phone plan so that he has to pay for it himself.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

_Josephine_ said:


> Once he focusses on something, he totally focusses on it. May it be work, games, creating something, simple garden work, ... . I know he uses games as a distraction. He has said so. Simply because other things bore him after a while.
> The goals are OUR goals. He wants to travel. He wants to move. He, more than me, wants to build an own house. He even talks now and then about getting children. It seems to me like he is just stuck somehow. Sometimes he has a phase when he does lots of sport and then he seems more motivated also, but then suddenly it will stop and for weeks and months he is back in this lazy cycle. His blood work is okay. Testosterone I am not sure, but it does get higher when he does sport.
> When my father was alive we both did more, yes. My father had a very sudden diagnosis and died shortly after that. A shock for the whole family. He was important for my husband, of course, but they only knew each other for 2 years. I am the one who lays awake still every night thinking about him now, as he was my father. Ergo, I barely have motivation enough for myself. No counseling, not in the past and 100% not in the future (not his thing).


He might even be manic-depressive/bipolar. My best friend is bipolar, and what you describe is similar to the way she cycles.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Does he realize that he has a problem? Games can be addictive, similar to gambling.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Yes, he could be suffering from a mental illness like Depression. Or he could have just grown complacent and lazy or is only now showing you his true self. Are you for certain that he truly shared those goals you say you and he had together? Or that he shares them now? I would encourage you to engage in a little exercise, just ignore his words and look to his behaviors. What do you see? You and he just might be at a fork in the road. The loss of a parent often has that effect on people. And in your case you are at that point where you are ready to starting making dreams a reality and he is doing nothing to move ahead. You are feeling stuck and you justifiably don't like it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> Husband playing online games 24/7


This needs to stop. He needs to join the real world. The games are escapism.


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