# Not your average separation / divorce.



## Trentonj61 (Sep 23, 2009)

About me, I'm a 48 year old male of Latino descent who was born and raised by my mother and grandmother along with a brother in Jersey City, NJ (rough urban area). About my wife, she's a 42 year old female of Asian descent who was born and raised in the Boston, MA area by both parents along with 3 siblings in Brookline, MA (affluent for the most part). Why I preface my post with these statements is to emphasize the contrasts of where our origins are. Both of us were raised with the prinicipals of our descendants at the forefront. For example, I value my family and work very hard. And she, plays the dutiful daughter for her parents for those of you familiar with some of these ethnicities traits. 

We are married for over 20 years, both have worked every day since we got married. We did not have our first child until close to 11 years after marriage. We had our second child 2 1/2 years later. 

We have no financial problems, neither of use drink alcohol, smoke or use drugs. Neither of us gambles, and there's never been a physical confrontation between us. As far as I know we've both been faithful. 

For over 20 years if I wasn't at work, playing sports or at the gym I was at home. Very rarely having nights out with the boys. And for the most part she did the same. 

We live in her "hometown", my family is 280 miles away. She has 3 siblings (2 of which have always been single), her parents do not speak english so my wife has been their go to person for everything. Car purchases, real estate, banking, etc. more recently as her parents have aged she's become the focal point in medical care, estate planning, etc. 

For years I have asked her siblings to help out as we had our own family, home and planning to care for. Especially since two of the siblings are single and had ample opportunity to help. 

So what happened? Admittedly, I'm lazy, when I come home I like to decompress. Last thing I wanted to do was the dishes, or laundry, vacuum, mop the floors, you get the point. 

But, I always asked her what I could do to help out when she "got busy". 

Therein lies the rub, you see she expected me to initiate whatever needed to be done around the house. She saw no need to communicate to me that she needed my help after all of the years we'd been together I should've "gotten it". 

Now, this applied to the intimate part of our relationship as well as childcare. I would ask what she needed and her response was always you ought to know. 

After a while those responses became very pointed, angry and filled with frustration. 

We had sessions of couples therapy, and I til this day have therapy regularly. She doesn't see the merit in therapy as she doesn't see that she's got any issues to resolve. 

So, we separated. Not because of infidelity, financial hardship, drug, alcohol or physical abuse. But because "I should have gotten it by now" and her refusal to just communicate her needs, wants and desires to me without anger and resentment. 

Any help is appreciated.

Thanks.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Have you tried writing or talking to her very sincerely about her needs. You need to tell her that you want her to be happy and you want to help / satisfy her and you would really appreciate her input on what you can do to be a better husband for her. Admit that ok you should be more aware of her needs, but you really want to make sure you are giving her everything she does need. You need to open up the communication and always be sincere and kind. Remember this is suppose to be the most important person to you and you would not do anything on purpose to hurt her feelings. It is a shame to see so many marriages falling apart because somewhere along the way we stopped talking about what is important and taking care of what is important. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sorry, but your wife is SO WRONG IT ISN'T FUNNY.

Anyone will tell her that. Have her ask around.

I have to ask, however, is that REALLY the reason for the separation? Is that what she REALLY believes? Is that what she's going to tell her lawyer?


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Trenton - I can somewhat relate to what your wife is feeling & I think we as women ( sorry guys but I really think this statement is true) are just more aware of what needs to be done to maintain a household & kids. For the most part women these days work outside the home, grocery shop & are in charge of meal preparation, keeping track of chilrens activities/dr. appts, etc, maintaining cleanlienss of the house, laundry, bill payments, etc. The list can go on & on ( right ladies??) 
We do it because we think that is what a good wife, mother is supposed to do. We may not ask for help because you ( men) seem so exhausted from work each day that we don't want to burden you with more work. So we do it day in & day out & soon enough it become the "norm" to do it all. 

I know that is what happened to me & in our marriage. I didn't want to ask for help because I didn't want to burden my husband but instead burdened myself. But not only did I burden myself but I became resentful for all that I was doing to maintain our household. Which in turn drove a wedge between us- I got so caught up in maintaining our "house" & not our marriage. That is where the problem arose. At the time, I did not see it that way & again thought I was being the "good wife & mother" by doing what I was doing. But in hindsight - I can see that I should have asked for help. Thank goodness I learned something from this whole process - right?

Back to your situation - I can understand how your wife might feel like you should know what she needs & that you should recognize it. But that is where she is wrong!! If she doesn't tell you or can't tell you what she needs - you are not a mind reader. It is not fair to you to have to guess what it is she needs/wants. That is where communication is soooo critical. I think it is only fair for her to let you know what it is that she wants/needs help with & give you the opportunity to help/change/assist, etc. If once she has explained to you & you are unable to meet her needs - then there may be work that needs to be done.
But it seems a bit extreme to seperate just because she claims you "don't get it". I think you should be give a fair chance to know what her expectations are & work together to try to have both yours & her expectation met. That is what marriage is all about - team work & making each other happy - right?? 

I really hope you can open the lines of communication with her to resolve your issues & come up with a plan of action. I think many of us can figure out what the problems are but then sometimes don't take that next step - which should be figuring out how to fix the problem & coming up with a strategy to overcome the obstacles. It is often much easier to identify the problem & complain about it than to take action. 

I hope that you & your wife can work things out. It sounds like you have a lot of history( 20 yrs) & children involved, that it would be important to give your best effort to try to work things out. Lets hope that your wife is willing to do that for everyone's sake.


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## Trentonj61 (Sep 23, 2009)

Believe said:


> Have you tried writing or talking to her very sincerely about her needs. You need to tell her that you want her to be happy and you want to help / satisfy her and you would really appreciate her input on what you can do to be a better husband for her. Admit that ok you should be more aware of her needs, but you really want to make sure you are giving her everything she does need. You need to open up the communication and always be sincere and kind. Remember this is suppose to be the most important person to you and you would not do anything on purpose to hurt her feelings. It is a shame to see so many marriages falling apart because somewhere along the way we stopped talking about what is important and taking care of what is important. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.



Believe, firstly thanks for the response. Absolutely, I've written her notes and left them on her computer monitor at home. I've tried to engage her in one-on-one conversation. It always comes back to the same thing: "I'm not getting it, I should know how to step up by now." She's called me her 3rd child because of my requests to have her communicate her needs to me. 

Remember, we've gone through couples counseling twice in a span of 20 years as well. 

Thanks again.


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## Trentonj61 (Sep 23, 2009)

dobo said:


> Sorry, but your wife is SO WRONG IT ISN'T FUNNY.
> 
> Anyone will tell her that. Have her ask around.
> 
> I have to ask, however, is that REALLY the reason for the separation? Is that what she REALLY believes? Is that what she's going to tell her lawyer?



Dobo, firstly thanks for responding. Well, she doesn't see it that way at all. Even when our last therapist told her that I cannot read her mind she dismissed it. She will not consider any talk of reconcilitation until I begin to "get it". 

There are other contributing factors to the breakdown of our marriage that I didn't write in the initial post. She and my family have ZERO relationship; her demeanor has put them all off over the years. Even my step dad, who's the nicest man in world, gave up on her when she demanded that he not speak spanish when she was in the room because she couldn't understand what was being said. My step dad's english is very poor, and he speaks to my mother and siblings in spanish naturally. Another factor is that a by-product of my urban upbringing is that I like urban music, I have African-American friends and inner-city friends. Now, not a single one of these people is not a professional. They're all highly educated, married, and religious people. She feels "uncomfortable" around "them" if you follow my meaning. 

But I needed to leave the house because I wasn't impulsive in my contributions in the house, I didn't take the initiative to make plans for us on a regular basis. I made plans for special occasions, but that was insufficient. But, my reasoning was that our children are very young (9 and 7) and we should enjoy them as much as possible now because once they're teenagers they're going to be with friends more than us. We still had the occasional night on the town that wasn't a birthday for example, but it never was enough. 

I can go on and on....


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## Trentonj61 (Sep 23, 2009)

believer said:


> Trenton - I can somewhat relate to what your wife is feeling & I think we as women ( sorry guys but I really think this statement is true) are just more aware of what needs to be done to maintain a household & kids. For the most part women these days work outside the home, grocery shop & are in charge of meal preparation, keeping track of chilrens activities/dr. appts, etc, maintaining cleanlienss of the house, laundry, bill payments, etc. The list can go on & on ( right ladies??)
> We do it because we think that is what a good wife, mother is supposed to do. We may not ask for help because you ( men) seem so exhausted from work each day that we don't want to burden you with more work. So we do it day in & day out & soon enough it become the "norm" to do it all.
> 
> I know that is what happened to me & in our marriage. I didn't want to ask for help because I didn't want to burden my husband but instead burdened myself. But not only did I burden myself but I became resentful for all that I was doing to maintain our household. Which in turn drove a wedge between us- I got so caught up in maintaining our "house" & not our marriage. That is where the problem arose. At the time, I did not see it that way & again thought I was being the "good wife & mother" by doing what I was doing. But in hindsight - I can see that I should have asked for help. Thank goodness I learned something from this whole process - right?
> ...


Believer, thanks for responding. You've lived a carbon-copy of our life. With two exceptions, you opened the lines of communication with your hubby and you didn't allow the resentment to become what I can best describe as disdain. 

She will not be engaged in any talks of reconciliation at the moment. She is convinced that I will never "get it", and that there's someone out there that does or will. 

To be honest, my priority is to give my kids a normal upbringing with a mom and dad at home living in harmony. And I know that we've reached a point in our relationship that is going to require an awful lot of professional assistance and hard work to fix. But it takes two to tango and at the moment I don't have a dance partner. 

Thanks for your input.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Wow. I wouldn't know where to begin with someone who is delusional like that. She expects you to just get it, huh? Well, what you do get is that she's not happy, she's not going to talk to you, and so what's left to get? 

Do you want to stay married to her? Can you be happy with her as she is?


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## Trentonj61 (Sep 23, 2009)

dobo said:


> Wow. I wouldn't know where to begin with someone who is delusional like that. She expects you to just get it, huh? Well, what you do get is that she's not happy, she's not going to talk to you, and so what's left to get?
> 
> Do you want to stay married to her? Can you be happy with her as she is?



Dobo, No I cannot accept her as she is. At the bare minimum she's got to communicate and not overreact if I miss a non-verbal message. I wouldn't be happy if she doesn't change, no. 

My reason for even entertaining taking her back is my children. But the reality is that we as human beings who are imperfect must be willing to take ownership of our shortcomings and at some point take actions to improve ourselves. As I stated in my initial post, I still am in therapy because I know that I benefit from it. 

I'm so sad and frustrated about not being with my children, but I cannot live the rest of my life miserably. So, at this point I must just be there for them. 

thank you for listening and replying.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What options do you have for custody?


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## Trentonj61 (Sep 23, 2009)

dobo said:


> What options do you have for custody?


Well at the moment I see them every night and for part of the weekends; according to my wife she will agree to that as part of our official agreement. Thank God she agrees that the children need to have me in their lives. 

But here in Massachusetts there must be a formal statement; which will probably say that she's got full custody and that I have limited visitation rights for the record. 

Not perfect but that's what I've got, and likely the end result.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why would the agreement say that? Why can't you do joint custody? Why can't you do shared custody? She doesn't get to tell you what you can do. You may have to fight to get what you want, but don't roll over and take whatever she gives you. They're your kids, too.


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