# How do I break it......?



## soultempest

Hello 

I wont give you a long read. I am male, 36, married for 10, no children, and I want a life back, where I have a good friend and not a wife anymore. I have been considering this for a year, and although I feel strong about it, my wife, although not always happy in our marriage, is for the most part content, and not expecting this move from me.

I know I sound like the pig here, but I think I am actually a nice guy. I do care about her, and I want to limit the hurt as much as possible.
I really believe we are good friends, and I think we can stay that, without the title of "marriage" obscuring everything.

So how do I do this? How do I tell her that I think we need to be separated for a while and see what the future holds for us? How do I make this bearable for her?

I appreciate your input.


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## oceanotter

You need to be honest with her ank sit down and talk to her.I am a wife who is in limbo right now because my husband is not talking to me about what he wants and needs.I need answers that he wont give me .He refuses to go to counselling and he has made no effort to try anything.Maybe if you tell her how you feel there may be something to work on.


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## justean

unfortunately no timing is really right when it comes to this situation. i agree with ocean otter, you have to sit down and b honest with her. 
i dont think taking her out for a meal and telling her is a good idea. 
u have to do this in the privacy of your own home. 
you way you feel, is the way you feel.
your not a pig, your just not in love anymore.
you can just make it more bearable by doing it quicker, than lingering. like i said do it in privacy. 
but you cant hang around either, thats not fair. 
maybe ask for some time to yourself.


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## swedish

What life do you feel you are missing out on now, that you wish to get back? Can you imagine getting everything you want within your marriage providing some changes are made?

I would recommend really thinking through what is causing you to want to bail & if there are things that would change that, try talking to her and trying that route first. 

If you don't, it is likely you will eventually meet someone else and have all the excitement in the beginning and over time end up right where you are now...unless you have decided committed relationships are just not for you and want to leave so you can perpetually date.


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## soultempest

So I actually did it. In an unprecedented move, I wrote her a letter, summarizing my feelings. I just thought I could express myself better by writing. 

She pretty much had a nervous breakdown on the spot, and after hours of crying and talking, I realized I had no choice but to ignore my feelings, and put her's first. She was devastated. I just can't do it to her. I told her that I was just telling her my feelings, and that it wasn't what I really wanted - just to try and keep the peace. 

So I continue to bear this burden. I continue to wonder about a life free of the fetters of this marriage, while I stay in this one-sided relationship, with a woman that simply can't live without me. 

I just wanted another shot at life. See what else is out there. See it with my own eyes, not the eyes of "a married couple". My life is boring. I know how the day begins and how it ends. She seems to be content with that life, because she obviously enjoys the "safety net" that I provide, not just financially, but emotionally, and spiritually too.

Ironically, while doing that, I have completely isolated myself from God and my own emotions. I just wanted to see if I could get that back, and somehow, it really feels like I need to do it alone. My wife is not even willing to let me go away for 1 night, to think things over etc. She literally can't survive one night without me. She has no friends, and does not understand my need to get out, or be alone.

Anyways - just ranting here. I can't see the future, but I can't make the feelings that I have go away. This mind of mine is in overdrive. I have no idea what will become of me. I don't suppose any of you would have advice for this dire situation, but if you do, I am listening.


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## lonely_wife

I really feel for you! I'm in the same situation and my hubby and I are not talking at the moment (at all!) He refuses to face facts.
Have you met someone else? My eyes were opened when I met a guy and we stared flirty texts (we won't ever do anything else) but it made me feel that my ubby is boring, that we have no spart, no romance and to be honest I don't think I want that with him anymore.
Is this how you feel? It's nice to hear someone else like me so I don't feel like such an evil cow!
I love him and want to share my life with him (as a friend) caring for him, being there if needs to talk, etc but the thought of sex with him makes me cringe at the moment!
People reckon I'm having a "mid life crisis" but I have felt this way before - have you?
Do you feel that you need to go out and have fun, enjoy being single and the riskyness that can come with that?
I don't think I would ever want another "serious" relationship - do feel like this?
Sorry for the questions, but I am curious that someone else is actually feeling the same.
Gud luck anyway!


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## Blanca

somesincereperson said:


> I realized I had no choice but to ignore my feelings, and put her's first- just to try and keep the peace.


If you want to stay and be miserable, by all means. But staying is a very unwise, and very immature thing to do.


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## TheLoveGuru's

Do what it is you feel you should do. You yourself are your best guide. With time you will be sure.


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## 827Aug

While I can see your side of the situation, I'm a woman who is now in your wife's position. Only difference is my husband had no regard for my feelings and moved out in the spring (after 20 something years of marriage). Why can't you and your wife be friends and be married? This is the question I keep asking. I really think marriage counseling might help. Wouldn't it be great to find out how to stay married and have a great life?! That's what I'm hoping to have one day. Also, read the book, "The Five Love languages". I think it will help you to understand some things.

I really agree with swedish's post.


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## swedish

somesincereperson said:


> My wife is not even willing to let me go away for 1 night, to think things over etc. She literally can't survive one night without me. She has no friends, and does not understand my need to get out, or be alone.


How much weight does this carry in your wanting to escape? I would imagine it is a huge burden to be her only friend and source of happiness and then toss in some guilt for wanting a little freedom/independence.

If this is the root of your issue, you may want to force things in this direction vs. an all or none (stay or leave) scenario. What if you just find a male retreat through your church or something and tell her it's something you need to do to reconnect with God?

If you keep it inside and let it fester, your resentment will only build and you will not look at your wife in the same way. That won't work for either of you long-term. She will probably be more receptive to you being gone a few days if she understands your internal turmoil.


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## soultempest

Thank you all for your time. Well as you can imagine, things are bumpy right now. She doesn't know if I still want to stay, and I can't get myself to hurt her more. So we just take it day to day.

I am giving her some time to think, since she did not expect this. Swedish, I think I will try what you suggested.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson-

I just wanted to ask, do you find yourself feeling lack-luster and tired a lot?


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## soultempest

Yes I do. Not so much tired, but indeed lack-luster. I have lost interest in most of my hobbies during my marriage. Nothing seems fun or worth doing anymore. Even life itself is a major bore/drag for me - especially with my wife. Nothing we do, amuses me. I just can't believe that "this is it".

It just seems to me sometimes that if I could be free again, with no attachments, that many things would get meaning again, and that life would become an adventure somehow again.


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## MarkTwain

Quoting from your other thread:


somesincereperson said:


> So I have already made some effort to try and remove these feelings of sadness and boredom from my heart. I really want them to go away, because, then everything will be fine again won't they?
> 
> I have gone out of my way to get us into various hobbies - indoor and outdoor. But my feelings remain. If I don't "kill" every minute of the day with "something", then I go mad with my thoughts. And there is this almost desperate longing to be alone. I have no idea where it comes from or what it means. But I am sure it is only temporary. I just don't know what to do about it right now. I have been patient and hoping it will go away, but I will lie if I tell you it did.


You are making *yourself *lackluster. When you have a feeling in your heart, there is only one thing that is appropriate to do with it. And that is to feel it fully. I'm not talking of going into a decline with a bottle of whiskey, and your darkest thoughts! No, I am talking about honoring what your heart is trying to tell you instead of sweeping it under the carpet.

Again, I am not saying you need to DO ANYTHING. This is an exercise that is best done alone in an armchair, or on a country walk. What you will find is that these feelings in your heart are not the bogey-men you think they are. But you won't give them house-room. Because you constantly suppress them, they have had to get stronger in order to be heard. So the pain keeps increasing. And the other thing that is happening is that half your energy is going into creating these feelings, and the other half is going into your need to suppress them. So all you are doing is aging prematurely.




somesincereperson said:


> It just seems to me sometimes that if I could be free again, with no attachments, that many things would get meaning again, and that life would become an adventure somehow again.


I would like to hear more about when life used to be an adventure...


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## soultempest

I hear what you are saying, but I am afraid om those feelings. Making just a little room for them, has allready caused a lot of tears and pain. But I will try what you suggest.

As for the adventure, lol, I don't even know what that means. I got married just when that was about to start 
No but seriously, I look at people around me, I hear lyrics of songs, and I see words of poets and writers, and it seems that they are in this amazing one-shot adventure.... and I am not. 
I think it stems from the fact that I didn't get to do any fun stuff before I got married. I was very conservative. Feels like I need to catch up with something, before I am old. And that, haunts me.

We've tried many things to have fun together, many hobbies, but like I said, nothing amuses me. Our conversations, and the "things" we try and do, that married people are "supposed" to go out and do, are just not fun for me anymore. I keep on imagining myself somewhere else, with other friends, and even with other women, or just completely, completely alone.


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## Honey

somesincereperson said:


> Hello
> 
> I wont give you a long read. I am male, 36, married for 10, no children, and I want a life back, where I have a good friend and not a wife anymore. I have been considering this for a year, and although I feel strong about it, my wife, although not always happy in our marriage, is for the most part content, and not expecting this move from me.
> 
> I know I sound like the pig here, but I think I am actually a nice guy. I do care about her, and I want to limit the hurt as much as possible.
> I really believe we are good friends, and I think we can stay that, without the title of "marriage" obscuring everything.
> 
> So how do I do this? How do I tell her that I think we need to be separated for a while and see what the future holds for us? How do I make this bearable for her?
> 
> I appreciate your input.



There really isn't a "good way" to say it, dude. Either way, if she loves you, it will hurt her. You have to sit down with her and tell her about how you are feeling. May I ask you..are you leaving her for someone else? You really need to be very honest with her on everything. I rather someone lay everything on the table, then have me wondering why or about things, or what the hell is going on.


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## Sabine

What do you want with your life?

your problem is not oyur wife nor beign married but that your life has no menaing abnd oyu dont found it by escaping a marriage.

ask oyurself what oyu really want and need into yourlife c aause oyu just thoguth i get a divorce and then i will feel soo hapy and free and my life will eb so exciting and meaningfull..
wrong!
many coems home frm work to an empty flat uncleaned, alone, and they have to od it all and nobody to talkt ot maybe soemoen they know and can phone to that theyt might be distrubing with their problems and thats it.
youa re 36 its call the 40 years crissi where guys want to be like teenage agian cause they feel that tomorrow "will be too late".
thats a classic in psychology nothign unusual exccpet ti break all marriages and 99% regret it bitterly when the 40 eyars old wave si over..
some even recontact and remarry he same wife.. thats how crasy that thing is.

In your case evaluate what you want form life.
is oyur job super borring?
is htere soemthign you msis at home?
instead to intriduce yourfeelings bty sayign crack boom i leave , you ahd a year to think aboutit, oyu could ahveintroduce it by sayign i need something more than what we ahve.
but now its doen
so what oyu can do is use that wake up call on yoru wife, to get her tomeet peopleand be less depending on you, to ahve some froends and get gathereing together and even going on vacation with forends, and out fishing or what ever interest you and get your wife to develop owns interests.
There is so many things one can do so it seems incredible she dont do more.
on the other hand she is very satisfied with you whish is very positiv.
talk ot ehr more often, have more menaingfull conversation wiht her about ariosu subjects, stude things together gfo trip together, make of ehr your best friend too and life will be much more fullfilign fornoyu when you get home.
You dont know exactly what you want, but oyu definitly want it.. thats how we could put it.. 
on one hand you say oyur bored and on the other oyu say oyu want ot be alone.. would life be less borring if youwere sititng in the living room alone than if your wife was there beside you or in the other room?
Are you sure of that?
I doubt so.
it will be borring and lonely.. 
and too late too...
You seems ot ab a nice couple so try found out what you could do with your life to make it more exciting.
What would oyu od for exepmlye if oyu were alone that you dont do now already, and who oyu beleive will make your life superexciting..?
do you have any idea at all or was it just a vague concept you had that idf unmarried then all good?
its call the run away crisis.
men suddendly want to get free.
its natural dont happen to all but oyu got to be in control of yourself and use your brain ot found out what you really need and your heart too to know.
Dont go seek happyness that is just there in front of you,.


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## GAsoccerman

WOW wish I read this earlier and would have told you not to do this to your wife.

I think everyman goes through this at sometime in there lives, there are plenty of times I wonder what life would be like without my wife, if I was a single dude, I would go to the Virgin Islands and be a bar tender .... sounds great and wild!....

But then I see my loving wife, my three awesome children, life is good, better then good, it's great!

I am the same, I don't do any of my old stuff, instead I am mr. Corporate world, Mr. dad and Hubby. I coach 2 soccer teams, teaching my son baseball, I am our HOA president, I planned our 20 year HS class reunion...I am a busy dude, I want the "escape factor"

So what did I do to...spice my life up.

Building my Man cave of course ! :smthumbup:

Also, I told my wife I want to go out and have some fun I am not old I want to have a good time.

We joined a organization/Club that ahs parties around Atlanta at different venues with Different themes sometimes, we mostly stick with ourselves, but we ahve a great time doing something different and a bit wild.

We also started hanging out with our neighbors, going out to dinner, Comedy clubs, just playing poker as couples, etc.

I found my need to be "free" less daunting, when all I really wanted was fun like my single days.

I recommend, finding some couples to hang out with, find new and exciting things to do with your wife, Hiking, Out door activities, special events. 

it's not your freedom you want, its passion for your life.

trust me having your wife, your best friend part of it will bring great dividends in your enjoyment.

Go on a cruise, travel do things together.


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## 827Aug

GAsoccerman said:


> WOW wish I read this earlier and would have told you not to do this to your wife.
> 
> I think everyman goes through this at sometime in there lives, there are plenty of times I wonder what life would be like without my wife, if I was a single dude, I would go to the Virgin Islands and be a bar tender .... sounds great and wild!....
> 
> But then I see my loving wife, my three awesome children, life is good, better then good, it's great!
> 
> I am the same, I don't do any of my old stuff, instead I am mr. Corporate world, Mr. dad and Hubby. I coach 2 soccer teams, teaching my son baseball, I am our HOA president, I planned our 20 year HS class reunion...I am a busy dude, I want the "escape factor"
> 
> So what did I do to...spice my life up.
> 
> Building my Man cave of course ! :smthumbup:
> 
> Also, I told my wife I want to go out and have some fun I am not old I want to have a good time.
> 
> We joined a organization/Club that ahs parties around Atlanta at different venues with Different themes sometimes, we mostly stick with ourselves, but we ahve a great time doing something different and a bit wild.
> 
> We also started hanging out with our neighbors, going out to dinner, Comedy clubs, just playing poker as couples, etc.
> 
> I found my need to be "free" less daunting, when all I really wanted was fun like my single days.
> 
> I recommend, finding some couples to hang out with, find new and exciting things to do with your wife, Hiking, Out door activities, special events.
> 
> it's not your freedom you want, its passion for your life.
> 
> trust me having your wife, your best friend part of it will bring great dividends in your enjoyment.
> 
> Go on a cruise, travel do things together.


:iagree: Great advice! This is what my husband should have done.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> I hear what you are saying, but I am afraid om those feelings. Making just a little room for them, has allready caused a lot of tears and pain. But I will try what you suggest.


Friend, I believe you are mistaken. The feelings ARE the pain. You have pain in your heart, it yearns for you to listen to it.



somesincereperson said:


> As for the adventure, lol, I don't even know what that means. I got married just when that was about to start
> No but seriously, I look at people around me, I hear lyrics of songs, and I see words of poets and writers, and it seems that they are in this amazing one-shot adventure.... and I am not.
> I think it stems from the fact that I didn't get to do any fun stuff before I got married. I was very conservative. Feels like I need to catch up with something, before I am old. And that, haunts me.


It would be instructive if you could write down exactly how getting married appear to thwart your plans, and bring about the discomfort you now feel. Please go into details about how being with your wife in particular, brought this about.


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## soultempest

Hello.
Thanks for all your input.

There is no other woman. Although the idea of another woman or women friends are highly appealing to me at the moment (don't know if that is also just part of this phase).

There are some things that I feel I can't do, because I am married. Not all of them are super adventurous, but I think they would make my life more interesting. Just the idea of being able to entertain a wild idea, is appealing to me.
Maybe join a rock band. Maybe quit my job, and go and be a casino manager in Vegas. Maybe open a club and dance till the late hours with friends. Maybe take the car and start driving and see what the road yields. Since my marriage have stopped me from dreaming, I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. So it is actually tough to list them. Anyway, none of these things are practically executable for me as a married man.

I realize that these are mostly exactly what you all are talking about - my 40 year old crisis or whatever you want to call it. It really really really just feels like I should go and do it, as there is so much time left when I am older to be married and bored. If I am supposed to just ignore these feelings and try to suppress them with other things until they go away, then I am in for a tough and painful ride. And how long is that going to last? Will I always wonder what could have been? What my life could have meant? When will this commitment yield these benefits ?

I guess I just regret not being single for longer before I got married. And every other decision I get to make, I can back track on or modify, but not marriage. It shouldn't be that way. I should be able to enjoy my life, without "working at this marriage" every second of the day.

Anyway, we're talking about going to see some sort of therapist. 

Thanks for listening.


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## lonely_wife

sorry you're still having trouble! I'm still in that boat but the other guy that was making smile as turned out to be a ***** he really just want a "bit of fun" and now we don't speak. I'm back to square one now - d=if all men just want fun I'm gonna be lonely forever, but if I stay with my hubby I'm gona be bored forever?


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson-
You did not really answer my 2 questions, especially the last one. May I trouble you to have another go?

1)It would be instructive if you could write down exactly how getting married appear to thwart your plans, and bring about the discomfort you now feel. 

2)Please go into details about how being with your wife in particular, brought this about.


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## soultempest

Shees I just don't know. I have these feelings and I don't even know how to write them down. 
The rut we are in, seems to have stopped me from dreaming. I am definitely unhappy with my job, but I couldn't just stop that and go find something else. I could have done that if I was single. With all the jobs that I had, I held out way longer than my tolerance allowed - for the sake of "the marriage".

I always thought love was going to be a big part of my life. There is no love in my life. What I feel for my wife is the same that I feel for my mother and sister. I can't see how that could ever come right again. If I was single, I am sure I could have searched for love again. And I don't mean only the "in love" feeling, but love in general. I just don't feel it. I don't even know if I know it. 

Intimacy for us dead. Again, if I was single, I am pretty sure I could have found intimacy somewhere.

I gave up on many of my talents, like music, the day we got married. I couldn't pursue both, and back then, I thought I made the right choice. Now, it seems that I could have followed that dream and not have missed out on anything spectacular about "married life".

After doing some introspection, I am sure I am just going through a phase, like some of you said. And I suppose I can wait for those feelings to go away, or for the phase to pass. I can try and suppress that with hobbies and so on. But the lack of love and intimacy is a real issue. For some reason my wife still has that, and she wants that, but I don't. We have tried somethings in the past to fix that, but it has been a problem since day one of our marriage (the intimacy part anyway).
Lately I just don't feel any thing for her, that resembles love. I have no desires to touch or kiss her etc. 

Since nothing else happened in my life in the last 10 years, I am left with only one explanation: that marriage (my wife) caused the state that I am in.

I don't know how that can be "fixed". 
I am very confused. I don't want to give up on something that "could have been" fixed. But I also don't want to go on feeling as miserable as I do. And I can see my wife is suffering because she is not getting the love and affection she deserves. I don't want to put her through that for another year or 3 or 10, just while I try and figure out my own heart.

What a nightmare.


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## MarkTwain

I am going to come back and comment on what you said later on, but you still have not answered my question: What *specifically *about your situation can you blame on your wife. And I mean your wife as the woman she is, as opposed to if you had married a different woman. What is the worst thing about her in your eyes?

Sorry to be so hard on you, but you need to do this.


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## soultempest

You are making me think hard here. I don't think I can blame her. If it was another woman, the situation would probably have been the same. We both committed to this marriage at a young inexperienced age. 
So if I am going to blame anyone, it is our parents and the church for very poor pre-marriage counseling, and a very conservative outlook on life. 
I blame myself mostly, for getting into this situation. If I had spent more time when I was younger, getting to know myself, I might have discovered that I won't be good at this. No good at commitment. No good at sustained love.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> You are making me think hard here. I don't think I can blame her. If it was another woman, the situation would probably have been the same.


OK, now we are getting somewhere 



somesincereperson said:


> Intimacy for us dead. Again, if I was single, I am pretty sure I could have found intimacy somewhere.


Please describe your wife in terms of personality and looks.


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## soultempest

Her looks are good. She is skinny (not shaped or sporty), average length. She is an introvert, and does not mix well with people. Somewhat shy. Has frequent short mood swings. Emotional. Mostly depressed and sad these days.

Some of these traits might be a result of our general depressing marriage over the last year or two.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson-

1) Can you describe the events of a sexual nature just before just after and during your first month of marriage. 

2)You mentioned in another thread:


somesincereperson said:


> I think I can be sexual. I know I want to be. My wife has become very much like a family member to me. Like a buddy, or even a sister. I simply do not see her in a sexual light. There is nothing wrong with her body. It just does not appeal to me. We have tried to spice it up, and I still fail at it. She does not have the same problem with me.
> 
> I just can't. Just thinking about it puts me off. It's been like that almost from day one (which is 10 years now), so you can imagine our frustration. We probably "try" it, just to please her, maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
> That is why I find myself in the predicament that I am.


Could you explain what you mean by "try it", and what happens/ goes wrong?

3)Are you on any meds?


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## swedish

From what I've seen in your posts, your wife's life and happiness seems to revolve around you. I can imagine this would put a great amount of pressure on you to be responsible for her happiness and could see where this might have you feeling more as a supportive family member & somewhat smothered within your marriage. Do you suppose if this is the case, that this could be the cause of your losing sexual interest and passion for her? You certainly still seem to have love and compassion but seem to feel empty otherwise. If she could get to a point where she felt more independent, confident, happy would you see her in a different light?


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## MichelleB

Personally I don't think separation really works. I've been there and it didn't change the issues me and my ex had, it only prolonged the inevitable divorce.


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## soultempest

> From what I've seen in your posts, your wife's life and happiness seems to revolve around you. I can imagine this would put a great amount of pressure on you to be responsible for her happiness and could see where this might have you feeling more as a supportive family member & somewhat smothered within your marriage. Do you suppose if this is the case, that this could be the cause of your losing sexual interest and passion for her? You certainly still seem to have love and compassion but seem to feel empty otherwise. If she could get to a point where she felt more independent, confident, happy would you see her in a different light?


I think this is actually a good diagnosis. 
Of the 4000 days that we have been together, we must have spent maybe 10 days apart. Once or twice when I was away on business etc.
She is completely dependent on me. She has nothing else in her life, except me and her work. My hobbies are her hobbies, my friends are her friends. She has no friends of her own. Whenever I want to start something or go somewhere with someone, she simply gets on board with it. I have almost lost all "respect" for her as an individual being. She does nothing by herself. She would never tell me she is going out on a night or on a Saturday morning. I think I am bored because she never brings anything fresh into the relationship.

I think I would be interested in her again if she regained her individuality. I think that is partly why I find other people and other women appealing. They seem to be fresh and spontaneous, and have something to offer me. 
I am not sure about this being the reason for the sex problem, but it could well be a big part thereof. I will elaborate on that a bit next, by answering Marktwain's questions:




> 1) Can you describe the events of a sexual nature just before just after and during your first month of marriage.


We had this idea to "wait" till we got married. We ended up fooling around and petting before marriage, but we waited till the wedding night for the intercourse. Which was a great disappointment. I don't think either of us had a great sexual experience. We blamed it on the "superficial" expectations of the "first night". But it just never got better. We tried again once or twice in the month after that, and then it just about stopped completely.



> 2)You mentioned in another thread:
> Quote:
> Originally Posted by somesincereperson View Post
> I think I can be sexual. I know I want to be. My wife has become very much like a family member to me. Like a buddy, or even a sister. I simply do not see her in a sexual light. There is nothing wrong with her body. It just does not appeal to me. We have tried to spice it up, and I still fail at it. She does not have the same problem with me.
> 
> I just can't. Just thinking about it puts me off. It's been like that almost from day one (which is 10 years now), so you can imagine our frustration. We probably "try" it, just to please her, maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
> That is why I find myself in the predicament that I am.
> Could you explain what you mean by "try it", and what happens/ goes wrong?


My wife just does not arouse me. I think she never did. Obviously when we met, being young and having never experienced any sexual activity, she did arouse me then. But since we got married, her body just does not turn me on. Foreplay and sex with her, actually just the idea of that, is borderline repulsive to me. So when we "try", I do it out of obligation, and because she begins to resent me for not doing it. It is such a turn off for me, that I often loose my erection while we are having sex. And it is not Erectile Dysfunction. I am 100% functional in that department.
The 3 or 4 times a year we do it, I just "push" through until she has an orgasm. It is not in the least an act of love, or affection or passion. Those are things I haven't felt in a long time. And neither has she for that matter.

Looking back now, I know it was the "christain way" to do it, but look at the sh*t it got me in. What if there is such a thing as sexual compatibility and sexual in-compatibility ? What if we are just not compatible? 



> 3)Are you on any meds?


No medicine. I am healthy. Actually, I have tried a couple of things to "fix" this. Blaming it on myself, I got healthy, I lost a good deal of weight, I got fit and I started eating healthy. Nothing - no libido for my wife. I even tried to abstain from any sort of self pleasure for stretches of time, to see if I don't get a desire for my wife, but it is in vain.


----------



## MarkTwain

Sorry... more questions 


somesincereperson said:


> She is completely dependent on me. She has nothing else in her life, except me and her work. My hobbies are her hobbies, my friends are her friends. She has no friends of her own. Whenever I want to start something or go somewhere with someone, she simply gets on board with it. I have almost lost all "respect" for her as an individual being. She does nothing by herself. She would never tell me she is going out on a night or on a Saturday morning. I think I am bored because she never brings anything fresh into the relationship.


1)How much of this was already in her nature, and how much of this is because you were quite controlling of her early on (if you were)? 



somesincereperson said:


> We had this idea to "wait" till we got married. We ended up fooling around and petting before marriage,


2)Were you aroused and erect during these times?

3)Why did she become your fiance and why did you marry?

4)How often are you ejaculating?


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## soultempest

> 1)How much of this was already in her nature, and how much of this is because you were quite controlling of her early on (if you were)?


I think I had something to do with it, but not all. Like any "boyfriend" I was jealous if she hung out with other guys. But that was only really in the beginning. We moved away from her hometown when we got married, so she got separated from the friends she had. But that was 10 years ago. To this day I think she only made one or two friends. None in the town that we live now (7years).

She just never does anything on her own. She has never told me she is going away with a girlfriend or to her mother's or anywhere for that matter. Not since day 1. She has the freedom to start anything, or buy anything, or be anyone, but she doesn't.






> 2)Were you aroused and erect during these times?


Yes. But there was no intercourse as I mentioned.



> 3)Why did she become your fiance and why did you marry?


In many ways, she was my first "girl". I was never any good with that. I was shy and definitely not the "bad boy" type, so I got almost no girls . I was very lonely at that age, and I think subconsciously I knew I had to hold on to her, maybe for fear of ending up alone. Without having had sex, there was also the drive to one day be able to do just that. Back then, I am sure I was in love. I seem to not know what "to love" mean, but I am sure I was "in love".
There was some pressure from both our parents to get married as opposed to being "creatures of sin".



> 4)How often are you ejaculating?


Always. Weather it is with her, or by myself.


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## MarkTwain

I did not understand about the ejaculation answer. I meant how many times per week are you ejaculating at the moment.


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## soultempest

I would say 5 times a week average.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson-

1)You mentioned wanting an adventure...
What if I were to say to you, that with just a few small changes, you could be having a fantastic marriage, with mindblowing sex every night? Would you be interested?

2)You mentioned that you gave up self pleasuring for a while to see if that helped with your desire for your wife. How long did you do that for?


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## soultempest

1.) I am interested. 

2.) One month was the longest if I recall correctly.


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## MarkTwain

You may have mentioned it before, but how old are you both?


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> 1.) I am interested.


OK, that's fantastic news. I am willing to work with you and give you my experience, but I am only interested if you are 100% into creating the best marriage you can. As someone once said, God only recognizes two numbers, 0% and 100%. Everything in between is wish-washy useless.

If you are willing to love and serve your wife the best you can in any moment, your life will transform itself. All the complaints you have made about your wife, are really about yourself, but you have blamed her as if she were the source of your discomfort. 

I am going to ask you to make a total commitment to working on this 100% for 6 months. If after that, you get nowhere, nobody will able to say you did not try. However, I can't imagine you could possibly fail. 

This is going to be a challenge for you.. are you still interested?
I don't just want a one word answer


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## soultempest

I have been thinking about this non-stop. I need a little more time.

Wait for me...


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson-

No problem - it is a momentous decision. However I promise you that things are not what they seem. If you are willing to let go and be open to untold of possibilities, you will be quite surprised


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## swedish

somesincereperson said:


> I think I would be interested in her again if she regained her individuality. I think that is partly why I find other people and other women appealing. They seem to be fresh and spontaneous, and have something to offer me.
> I am not sure about this being the reason for the sex problem, but it could well be a big part thereof.


I really think now is the time, since you've already spoken with her about how you've been feeling, to address this. I know she was devastated when you opened up to her but to brush it off to make her feel better won't change how you feel going forward...In fact, it just reinforces that 'trapped' feeling you have. 

Of course it is devastating to hear your husband say he's not happy, but in your case there are things she can work on because she is your wife and should want you to be happy...giving you some space and finding her own independence will help you both...I would seriously approach her with this because for her I would think the thought of losing you altogether is much worse than making some positive changes within your marriage. If she knows she can take action the talk you already had might be motivation enough for her to try.


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## martino

Wow dude your doing some major soul searching. Maybe encourage her to take up some hobbies and make new friends on her own? maybe you and her could take up some hobbies together? for god's sake, start today, get your guitar or drums or whatever and start playing again. Make some hobby player friends and start getting together to jam and maybe play in some bars. You sound like you are having a mid life break down that has nothing to do with your wife.


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## soultempest

Just a bit of an update. I am still at it. Contrary to what it might seem like, my character is not one to just let go of something like my marriage, even though, right now, every cell in body is aching to get out. I still don't know why I am feeling it, but I can't deny it - it is the simple truth.

From my side I am really working on it. Staying busy, doing lots of things with my wife (including more sex in the last month than in the last 2 years - that one is for you Mr.Twain ;-) ). It is a good friendship / team, but still a mediocre marriage in my opinion - simply because I have no love and no passion to give. Not just to my wife, but to no one for that matter.

I know that there is something missing in my life. I don't think there is another soul on earth that is as lonely and bored and frustrated as me. I also know there is a small chance that it might not have anything to do with my marriage - so I persist. Even though it is not what I truly "feel" like doing. But then again - that is what you all are saying, isnt it ? Love is a verb, love is an action. So I do this action, even though I don't want to do it. I guess only time will tell, as my mind races toward an inevitable collisioin with something.

Every day for me is a battle between my heart and my mind. I have no idea where this is going. I just hope it is a place where I am content with myself and my life and the choices that I have made.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson-

I'm really glad you decided to be nicer to your wife. Even if you are still not happy, you will have increased your wife's happiness, and in so doing you have increased the sum total of happiness in the universe. And that makes me happy  You are also doing something more worthwhile with your life when you serve others, and as I said in another thread, charity begins at home.

I have more to say, but need to meditate on it. Please keep going.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> but still a mediocre marriage in my opinion - simply because I have no love and no passion to give. Not just to my wife, but to no one for that matter.
> .
> .
> .
> I also know there is a small chance that it might not have anything to do with my marriage - so I persist.


Reading the above, I think you are gradually coming to the truth. For sure, you wife does not sound like the most inspiring creature ever to have walked the earth - but even some of that is your own doing - you did not have the skill to nurture her and get the best out of her.

But now that you have started being more loving, things will get better. Your heart is a love muscle. The more you use it for love, the stronger it will get.

But here is the shocker:
Supposing you have been looking in the wrong place for the source of your sadness. Supposing it is not your wife. Supposing there is some other factor you have over-looked. If you should wake up one day and realise this, you will feel very, very guilty for blaming your wife. So if you want to be smart, super smart, start saying sorry now, and ask for her forgiveness. Because when your eyes truly open, they will be filled with tears, believe me.

When you have gotten somewhere with helping yourself, you can then begin the task of helping your wife break out of her shell.


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## overitnolove

Hi there,

I read your threads and totally understand where you are coming from.

I have only been maried for 2 years next month but we have been together 5 years.

I feel no love for my husband, and, like you am a musician, or was, in another life.

I was always passionate by nature and had passionate relationships.
But I wanted to turn my life around-and did. I finished my degree and got a good corporate job but I feel I am there for my husband as a carer not a lover.

I had bizzare dreams every night, I am depressed from all of this, he thinks we can fix it but he just doesnt understand that I think I married him because he was a good person and because I felt sorry for him a little.
But after all of this time, I care for him so deeply that I am very confused. 

Even on our honey moon I didnt want to be close to him- What have I done.

I am 31 now and feel I have lost the good years of my life. I feel miserable and just want happiness and passion in my life.

I kept holdng onto the relationship because I thought that all of my indicision my just me being a comitment phobwe.

But mydad reminded me when I was crtying over at their house--very uncomfortable- that I said this is wrong this is wring in the car on the way to nmy wedding.

Oh my god.

I feel like I wont meet anyone every again and that I hould stick this out becuase he really is such a lovely, loving, nice, understanding guy.

But, apart from having a mutual love for food and wine, I cant see any connection at all anymore.

So there you have it.

Many pople marry for the wrong reasons, that they think are right at the time, because they simply dont listen to thewir hearts.

F%%^.

I am going to die alone.

Sorry. Just thought I would reply.

Good luck.


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## MsLady

I think you are stuck in a very co-dependent relationship. Both of you are behaving in a co-dependent way, though you are only thinking of her in that way. It takes two to be codependent.

It sounds like you are putting some good effort in and that's great. But you must find things to fulfill you that are separate from her ... I know you think she will disintegrate if you do, but she may not (and if she does, that's good information to have). Pick one thing you want to try ... say the rock band thing. Can you already play an instrument? If not, start with lessons. If so, place an ad locally to find other folks to get together for "jam sessions". Just do that for yourself. Or whatever else comes to mind. Make the first thing easy, doable soon. Go for it. See how that fills up your soul. See how that makes you happier. Then see how it affects your marriage. Reassure your wife that this isn't something that is threatening for her, but be firm that this is YOUR THING and she's not welcomed to join it. Encourage her to think about what HER THING could be. She may choose to think of something and pursue or she may not. Again, good information to have for future decisions you may need to make about the marriage. Oh, and the road trip, why the hell not? This one, I might recommend you do it together. Let your hairs down. Take vacation time, pack your stuff, get in the car, plan some seedy stops along the way to titillate you both, even if it's a little uncomfortable. Get out of the comfort zone. Are you saying if you say to her, "pack a bag, hon, we're going on a short road trip during my 7 day work vacation," she would say "no"?

Go from there. Add one little thing at a time to your life and let it fill you up. You might find at the end that you need to leave your marriage anyway. BUT, you may find that your marriage wasn't the problem ... that your complete lack of a self (or a very unfufilled self) was the problem. You can't have a good marriage when you have to people who are so empty that they are bored to death with each other. What is there for either of you to contribute to the marriage. I know you blame your wife/ marriage for "keeping" you from pursuing dreams ... but, dude, that just sounds like a nice excuse for you not being motivated enough to move forward. You hate your job that much, move on! If your wife is so darn passive, she's not doing to dump you for it, so what's the problem. 

I think you are scared of life and have always moved in it very cautiously and conservatively, not taking adventures or risks. Being a good guy ... a good Christian. But it has stiffled you. You are using your marriage/ wife as an excuse for failing to do what you should be doing. Not good enough. Take responsibility for what you are failing to do and turn it around. You and your wife are probably very similar (even if she's behind in self-awareness) so will either be inspired by your newfound courage in pursuing your dreams or she will feel threated and freak the hell out. Again, her reaction - good information.


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## soultempest

Thank you for your input. Thank you very much mslady. Reading your post really struck me. It is very acurate.

I keep on trying. We did a road trip in December. Spent time with family and friends. It was good. I suppose we're working on the marriage, but I still don't know where it is going.

Been looking at things to do for myself, like hobbies and stuff. Ironically, I am not motivated or inspired to do anything. Everything seems bland. It STILL feels like everything would get meaning again when I am free. I wonder why that is?

I am working on myself. I cant change jobs right now, but even if I could, there is not a thing in the world that would interest me.
I have been using a mild anti-depressant for about 1 month now. Its part of my trouble shooting.

If I could only find a passion in this life and for this life again. 
For now I persist, because my feelings and ultimately my decisions affect 2 people, and not just one.
Without a doubt the single biggest mistake of my life - attaching myself to another person. I know now that I was meant to be a loner.

I pray to God every single night for a way out. 
Because I am also going to die alone.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson-

Nice to hear from you again.

If you look at your last post, and cross reference that with your earlier ones, and the lack of motivation for hobbies it does tend to point to projection. That is to say you seem to be projecting your own feeling of blandness onto your wife, and seeing her as the cause of it.

Maybe you fear that there is a deep pool of blandness within you that is waiting to swallow you up. Such bogey men can seem very real until you face them head on. Then the result is always the same: they turn out to be illusions.

The anti-depressant you are taking, is it self proscribed?


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## Tara

Hi-

You mention that you didn't get to do fun things before you got married. To me you sound like you are looking for intellectual stimulation as well as having sexual curiosity. Is that far off the mark?
Tara


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## soultempest

No Tara that is 100% correct. That is what this is all about I think.

Mr Twain - good to hear from you again too. You must get so tired of people like me - forever whining about my sorrows. But your persistance is admirable. 

Yes the meds are self-prescribed. I am fairly sure I am suffering from depression, and I want to make sure that it does not affect my judgment and decisions.

I am trying to see if I will still feel this crap, even if the medicine "kicks" in. 

Mr Twain you are right when you say I am projecting my own feeling of blandness onto my wife. But I can't seem to find anything else to blame. I blame yself as always, but that has not helped me to resolve this dissapointment and resentment.
If I am really to blame, then my decission to get married is the problem here, and then we are right back at the starting block.

I just want to be content. I know I cant be happy all the time - no one is. But contentment shouldn't be optional in life.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> I just want to be content. I know I cant be happy all the time - no one is. But contentment shouldn't be optional in life.


You are looking in the wrong places. Taking pills will stop you feeling so bad - maybe, but they won't make you feel good inside. 

What you are better off doing is using the pain and emptiness you feel for the purpose nature intended:

When you accidentally put your hand in a flame, the pain makes you withdraw it. The pain is a signal to inform you that something is wrong. With the example of fire, it is obvious what to do.

With emotional pain, the answer often seems shrouded in fog, but it is there. Taking antidepressants in your case, is like taking a painkiller so that you can continue to keep your hand in the flame - and all the while your flesh is burning. What you need to be doing is getting to know the pain up close and personal, until you can hear it's message.

So far you have refused to listen to your pain. You have blamed your wife for the pain for 10 years and now you want to blot out the pain altogether. It won't work. It will just increase its volume until it is heard again. 

Why not give it what it wants: to be understood. This pain is you; it is your most sensitive part trying to awaken you. It will only take a fraction of a second to achieve its glorious purpose once you turn around and give it your full undivided attention. But 10 years have gone by becuase you have not given it your full undivided attention.

Once this is dealt with, then you can deal with your marriage. But by then your marriage will look totally different.


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## soultempest

Oh my... 

That was so utterly profound. 

I felt "something" there for a fraction of a second, that I don't think I have ever felt before...

That definately hit a nerve or something, Mr. Twain.

It scares me - because I don't know how to "know" myself. That avenue is a lightless street in my life.
I don't know how to listen to my pain. I just dont. 

I shall ponder on it over the next few days, but I suspect I am in trouble.

I thank you for your thoughts on this Mr. Twain.


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## ready2endit

Somesincereperson:
Wow! Your situation has many similarities to mine. Although my wife is different than yours; she is very headstrong & angers and yells WAY to easy. That is why I've slept in a motel for the last two nights. I got so tired of her temper. But enough about her for now.

As for you, your feelings of wanting to be single again are just like mine. I am 48 and have been married for 15 years, and through most of those years I have spent way too much time fantisizing about being single again. That simply being alone would be the answer to all my problems. However, my biggest fear that has kept me from having another divorce, is the fear that down the road I may be sitting in my little apartment all alone and not be able to live with the thought that I believe that if I had only tried harder or broke some of my many bad habits, that maybe I could still be with her in a 'great marriage'. The marriage I have always dreamed about. 
After reading all of your posts, I have come to realize that I am also blaming so many of my problems on her. I too, grew up rather shy and totally afraid of girls/women. I also tired anti-depressants; they didn't do anything for me. 
I also must say that the lack of basically any type of sex life for the two of you is a very big problem in your relationship. Sure, you can take care of yourself all week long (what guy doesn't)?, but every time you do that your are depriving your wife of sexual pleasure too. I know, man, what it is like to not be too attracted to your wife. My wife has gained a lot of weight since we have been married and I am not very physically attracted to her any more, but we do manage to have sex maybe 3 times a month. Sex is a really big deal in a marriage, it really is. You did not mention it, but do you spend time looking at porn on the computer? That can be a bad thing for you and your marriage. You sound like your life is really in a rut right now. But you are also 12 years younger than me, and I wish I had a forum like this to read when I was only 36. 
Many folks have given great advice. Please try and simply get out of your comfort zone, think outside the box and just try living life with an attitude of 'each day is new and different and I will get out of it what I put into it'. 
One final thing: it sounds like you 'future trip' alot. I have the same bad habit. It is amazing how much brain time we can use thinking and tripping about something we know absolutley nothing about and have no control over. 

Well, I have to go for now. Best of luck to you and your wife.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> That definately hit a nerve or something, Mr. Twain.
> 
> It scares me - because I don't know how to "know" myself. That avenue is a lightless street in my life.
> I don't know how to listen to my pain. I just dont.


All you have to do is allow yourself to fully experience the feeling. Feel your pain - it won't bite you. You've been avoiding it for so long by running thought loops that have no relevance.

Just sit down in a chair, or go for a walk in the countryside, and breath in the air, and feel what is inside you. It's not a matter of thinking about it. You need to get into the actual sensation of the feelings. The bareness, the blandness, the lack-lustreness. Once you have fully faced them, they will not only start to lose their power over you, you might get a glimpse of what lies behind them. You might have dreams at night that reveal something.


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## soultempest

(thank you ready2endit for your thoughts and encouragement)



Mr. Twain, what do you think nature's intention/purpose is with "emptyness" ?


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> Mr. Twain, what do you think nature's intention/purpose is with "emptyness" ?


The emptiness is just an illusion. It's just your interpretation of a feeling that you have not fully examined. Of course if it were real it would be totally unacceptable! But if you go into the *sensation* of the feeling, instead of just the label: EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY, you eventually find that it morphs into something else. You will eventually hear the message behind it.

Any drug that dulls the feeling will make the message quieter, and considering that 10 years have elapsed already without you hearing it, that may not be wise. Once the message is fully heard and understood, the feeling will subside, or morph into something else.

That is not so say that you should look at this feeling and wait impatiently for it to transform into something nicer. I'm just saying what the end result will be: Joy.

The point of all strong feeling is to alert us to something.


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## soultempest

I tried, but not enough yet. I need more time.

I am battling to see past my burden. No matter how hard I try, I keep on focussing on the thing that I think is causing my misery.

I really do resent the fact that I only got to feel the "in love" feeling once or twice in my whole life. Thinking back to those times, I remember that I was primed for life: motivated, involved and energised. And you might say that the loving feeling wouldn't have lasted no matter which woman I was with, but then my mind keeps telling me, that I could keep that feeling alive, by simply waiting till it fades, and then finding it again. (I know that must sound horribly selfish - sorry about that. Just saying what I felt).

I will spend some time by myself on Friday, and try to meditate on this matter.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> I am battling to see past my burden. No matter how hard I try, I keep on focussing on the thing that I think is causing my misery.


This is the main part of your thought loop. You will never be free until you shift the focus away from these thoughts and onto your feelings. For instance, did you know that nobody can make you feel anything? It's all internal.


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## soultempest

I have spent today by myself. All positive stuff. Jogging, breakfast and 30 minutes trying to meditate on my life.

I did not accomplish much. I always thought I was a spiritual type of person, but in really trying to access my feelings, and not being able to do so, I can only assume that I am not spiritual at all.

Unsure.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> I have spent today by myself. All positive stuff. Jogging, breakfast and 30 minutes trying to meditate on my life.
> 
> I did not accomplish much. I always thought I was a spiritual type of person, but in really trying to access my feelings, and not being able to do so, I can only assume that I am not spiritual at all.
> 
> Unsure.


Well, I have been practising meditation for 31 years, so I can tell you, it does not come in 30 minutes. The self-pity is not helping. You are already accessing your feelings. Anything you feel is valid. It's possible to go deeper, but you have to start with what you've got.

If you feel empty, lacklustre, bored, depressed... that is a start. Have you stopped self medicating?


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## MrsVain

WoW! Sounds like you are really unhappy. i feel for you. is there any way you can start doing something, anything. you feel trapped because she cant stand to be one night without you. So can you do something that will bring you home at night? i am not sure what you have in your area, but you might want to look into it. maybe a class or weekend workshop on how to paint or build something. maybe hiking, if she dont want to go with you then tell her you are going alone. for a few hours and you will be back. tennis or raquetball clubs, weight lifting gyms, not the answer but would be a start. Maybe if you start doing something, you will be able to figure out what exactly it is that you want (you sound vague on that part) and after you find out what you want, maybe you can figure out how to do it, either with her or without her.

what does she do when you are at work, she makes it then. if she honestly cant stand being a second without you then maybe she needs therapy. what is that thing where you cant leave the house? or complisive disorder (like monk and his brother) you need to do things for yourself too not just her, or you will whither up and die. and she will still end up not having you. 

you need to explain it to her like that, that you will be back, that you will be home but you need to get out and do something!! and like i said if she doesnt understand then she needs therapy. life and fun doesnt need to end just because you are married.

good luck


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## soultempest

Thanks for the message MrsVain. I do appreciate it. I have been looking around at things to do. Starting this week, I am going out to play squash with some male friends one night per week. 
I have to get out - get space - give space.

Mr.Twain: 

I have stopped the medication after your message the other day. 

Here is something I picked up:

I feel like I need someone to be able to do anything. I think I'll call it the "I need an audience" syndrome.
For some reason, as long as there is someone (new/fresh) around me, I sense my motivation and inspiration surge a bit.
When we are doing something with friends, it always seems more plausible/exciting, than doing it alone with my wife. Weather that is playing sports, a hobby, or simply going out for dinner.

"I" can't seem to entertain/amuse myself, and since my wife is such an intergral part of me (11 years) - she is included in that "I". So in essence, "we" can't entertain me anymore. "we" need external stimuli. But in contrast with that - she is less dependant on other people. Like I've said previously - she does not have close friends.

Your thoughts on that please.

Ps: Mr.Twain - there is something else I would like to tell you at this point. It's about the porn thing. I am coming out of somewhat of an addiction (ashamed to admit this). It has been part of my marriage from day 1. We would often "use" it for "spice". When the sex thing went sour, I pretty much reverted to porn by myself for my fill. 
Anyways - as part of my attempt to "fix" things, I realized that I had to be able to look at my marriage through "pornless" eyes. So for what it is worth, I have abstained from all porn since I started this thread (4 months). 

There was a brief "spark" in our sex life, when I let the porn go, but it was of a fleeting nature. I am still "not interested" in sex with her.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> There was a brief "spark" in our sex life, when I let the porn go, but it was of a fleeting nature. I am still "not interested" in sex with her.


So are you having sex, or just masturbating these days? And how often to both questions.


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## soultempest

We had sex about a month ago (during that spark phase, for the first two months, it was better, maybe twice a week or so).
Just masturbating these days - as always. Maybe 3 times per week. Even that is not what it used to be. When I was younger, and with porn, it was a treasured experience for me. Now it is a 3 minute- thing. Don't even know what to call it.


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## MarkTwain

I think you are being selfish to your wife. By using your hand, you are depriving her. 



somesincereperson said:


> "I" can't seem to entertain/amuse myself, and since my wife is such an intergral part of me (11 years) - she is included in that "I". So in essence, "we" can't entertain me anymore. "we" need external stimuli. But in contrast with that - she is less dependant on other people. Like I've said previously - she does not have close friends.


Did you come from a home with little or no displays of physical affection?


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## MarkTwain

I forgot to ask, what caused the spark?


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## soultempest

There was no physical affection in my house as a child. I know we were loved as children, but we were never hugged or told that we were loved.

I think the spark was caused when I stopped the porn, or so I thought. But it has gone again.

Even now, I will test myself, and wait a couple of days without masturbating to see if I gain some desire for sex with my wife, but it is in vain.


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## MarkTwain

> There was no physical affection in my house as a child. I know we were loved as children, but we were never hugged or told that we were loved.


I feel that most of your problems stem from this. Mating in Captivity will explain this better than I can. I do summarise it in my article Sexless Marraige? under the heading Too much closeness, but you should buy the book. This is one of the few causes that seems to put both men and women (in equal measure) off touch, intimacy and sex.

If you buy this book, the light bulb might just come on.



> Even now, I will test myself, and wait a couple of days without masturbating to see if I gain some desire for sex with my wife, but it is in vain.


Come on! 2 days is hardly enough. Until you sort this, I think you should be considering doing this for the long haul.

If you want to really have fun, just cut out the solo ejaculations. Masturbation without ejaculation will actually make you hornier  Of course, if you keep accidentally going over the edge, the you will have to stop altogether.


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## soultempest

I'll try to get the book.

I will try to abstain from the masturbation.
I just dislike the sex so much, that I would rather masturbate. 
I will try though.

Thanks for your time and opinion MT, as always.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> *I just dislike the sex so much*, that I would rather masturbate.


This is interesting, can you explain this in detail?


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## soultempest

> My wife just does not arouse me. I think she never did. Obviously when we met, being young and having never experienced any sexual activity, she did arouse me then. But since we got married, her body just does not turn me on. Foreplay and sex with her, actually just the idea of that, is borderline repulsive to me. So when we "try", I do it out of obligation, and because she begins to resent me for not doing it. It is such a turn off for me, that I often loose my erection while we are having sex. And it is not Erectile Dysfunction. I am 100% functional in that department.
> The 3 or 4 times a year we do it, I just "push" through until she has an orgasm. It is not in the least an act of love, or affection or passion.


From earlier in this thread. If and when we do it, it is because she initiates, and resents me if I don't do it. Most days, even after not masturbating, and being somewhat horny, I hope that she does not want/need it, because of the way I feel about it. 

I don't know what more to say. I just don't like being physical/intimate with my wife.


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## MarkTwain

OK, I do remember that. Just out of interest... In the eyes of the average man, where would she be rated on a scale of 1 to 10 in attractiveness?


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## soultempest

7/8.

She is no model or athletic, but she watches her figure and looks after herself (makeup and hair etc.)
There is nothing wrong with her looks.


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## MarkTwain

I honestly believe that if you found another woman at this stage, it would be good to start with, but if you got married and settled down, it would end up very similar. Not exactly the same, because a different person would change the dynamics for sure, but close enough. Of course at that point you would come to fully accept that the problem lay with you, so ironically you might try and actually fix it. 

So my question is, why wait for the next marriage when you can fix this one?


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## soultempest

If I could get out of this marriage, I would never ever get married again. I would sit down and layout some very serious rules for when it comes to women and relationships. I could not make the same mistake again. Never commit again.

Simply because I have learned that I am unable to give that sustained love and passion that everyone else seem to be able to give. 

That is why I have not given up on this marriage just yet. Either I get it to work, or I walk away knowing that I tried everything.


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## MarkTwain

somesincereperson said:


> That is why I have not given up on this marriage just yet. Either I get it to work, or I walk away knowing that I tried everything.


Seems fair  Order that book, it might be just the ticket.


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## soultempest

Havent bought the book yet, but I will soon. I have been reading lots on the net about co-dependance etc. 

Mr.Twain- if my childhood lack of physcal contact had anything to do with what I feel - how can I do some more research on that? Is there some terminology that you can give me that I can search for please ?

Ps: Day 10 without masturbation (Day 132 without porn)


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## MarkTwain

Reading the book might be enough to set you free.


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