# It's gonna break his heart



## bluebeauty

Hi all, most of you know my story. My H and I live as roomates. I love him dearly, like spending time with him, like talking to him, but we have 0 sex life. None. We live as roomates, split the bills, etc. It's so hard, while I love him and I feel a bond with him, it's not a "wifely" bond. 

I'm so scared that divorcing him will break him, but I want the whole package...I want best friends, but I want intimacy and children, and for reasons I just don't love him in THAT way. 

It will also hurt me too, I won't have my best friend anymore, but I feel like he deserves to be with someone who wants to, ya know, rip all his clothes off...lol

This is so hard...I'm feeling so scared and alone. I want to talk to him about it more. He knows I'm not happy (I'm even in IC now for depression), but he said he'd rather be with me depressed and not sexual then not be with me at all.

I feel...confused...please give me some advice...


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## bluebeauty

FYI - we did MC, we separated, I ended up coming back home but nothing changed, I just feel like it will never change :'( I feel desperate.


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## Thor

What reason is there to think anything will change? Why would he become a different person now?


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## bluebeauty

He won't...and I know that. It just breaks my heart. I feel like I'm falling apart. Being in "limbo" is the worst thing I've ever felt. I'm having a really hard time accepting that it's over and it's my choice. He said he won't divorce me, that I will have to divorce him. Shouldn't he want more for himself too? It's all on my shoulders and it's killing me...literally.


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## Lon

Was the MC before, during or after separation? And was the separation a suggestion that was supported by the MC?

Your situation sounds a lot like mine was, as far as the kind of platonic bond you feel you have with him. we tried a short round of MC, who suggested it was communication issues, so we tried communicating more and it didn't really do a thing other than convince my ex it was over for her. What I do regret is that our MC never got to the heart of the matter, which was for us a loss of attraction and respect for each other. Maybe it was the obvious thing but I don't think we ever really got around to addressing it or realizing we each had things to change about ourself - not to do more for each other, but to do more to make ourself feel attracted and attractive.

I felt tethered to my house, stifled from her spending but what I really needed to do was be more of a guy, go out with friends, not be a doormat and tell her no when she was testing the boundaries of our relationship rather than encouraging it and bring home with me the vigor and energy she needed in her man. I needed her to stroke my ego once in awhile, because as a man if you don't feel like you can satisfy your W's needs your self esteem takes a hit, and for women it seems there is nothing more unnattractive then a guy with low self-esteem or confidence.

I'm just saying this in case there is a chance you both still want to work on things but have maybe overlooked this attraction issue, which in my mind is the only reason relationships fall apart.


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## bluebeauty

Hi Lon - thanks for your reply. The separation was after MC. We still communicated, but I stayed at my parents. During which time he went to the beach with his family and was away for work.

The loss of attraction is a good point. If you read my other posts, you'll see my H refused to talk to me and treated me like his mother. To me, there is nothing more unattractive then your man acting like a child.

He's trying to change, but he shouldn't have to change who he is. I'm so beaten down from all of this, I feel like I can't function. He's a great man, but maybe just not a great man for me.

After going to MC, our C suggested IC for me, he said my H would never change, it was just who he is. He said that my H will never be able to give me the intimacy I seek, not just talking sex.

Family is really important to me, and he doesn't like to visit my family, he never really did. At Christmas, we got to his parents early and his dad was sitting at the computer playing games. I said where is everyone he said "oh they are still at her mom's house"...I mean...it hit me...this is my H in 30 years...

There's so many things..idk where to start, check out my other posts if you like. Thank you for your feedback.


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## Conrad

BB,

"He really shouldn't have to change who he is...."

Do you really think we all have just one personality trait and that's "just how we are?"


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## grenville

If you really don't want to rip his clothes off now, you're never going to want to. The whole sexual attraction thing is a deep down basic drive and doesn't seem amenable to logical thought. There just isn't any way to make yourself get the hots for someone you basically don't fancy. You'll break his heart less in total by leaving now rather than hanging around for another 10 years and making him miserable all of that time.


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## bluebeauty

I'm not trying to make him miserable. I do love him :'( I feel like nobody gets it. We've been together 6 years, it may not seem long to most, but I'm only 27. I love my husband, like family. I wish I had wifely feelings towards him. I'm so scared of the actual separation, losing all the good we have. I'm in IC for major situational depression...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty

I feel like complete crap today. It's sad, I feel so desperate, maybe even suicidal, although I dont think I'd ever do anything. I don't want to hurt my H. Sometimes I wish I was just gone, so I don't have to put him through this..:'(


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## Conrad

What was your childhood like?


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## bluebeauty

Hi Conrad, what specifics? Overall I had a great childhood, we never had a lot of money, but we always managed to have fun. Growing up, I was always an overachiever in school and quite the "nerd." I never dated anyone until college. My parents were very loving to us, but I remember them fighting alot though. 

I can provide more specifics.


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## bluebeauty

I was always so happy as a child, teenager, and even young adult. Happy being independant, happy dating, etc...

It's always been hard for me to disappoint/hurt people.


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## Conrad

bluebeauty said:


> Hi Conrad, what specifics? Overall I had a great childhood, we never had a lot of money, but we always managed to have fun. Growing up, I was always an overachiever in school and quite the "nerd." I never dated anyone until college. My parents were very loving to us, but I remember them fighting alot though.
> 
> I can provide more specifics.


BB,

I thought I had a great childhood also.

When I went to therapy, I was surprised at what I found.

The fact that your parents fought quite a bit is likely worthy of some investigation - as to it's impact on you.

Once you do what you're contemplating, it's very difficult to "undo" it. If you simply tell your husband you're going to counseling to work on yourself due to unresolved issues.... it will give him the chance to support you in that quest.

Feelings do come and go.

It's often quite surprising what gets in the way.


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## bluebeauty

Thanks Conrad. I don't think I'll ever have the right kind of feelings for him. It makes it hard because he hasn't done anything concrete to deserve this. Ignoring me, not communicating, saying hurtful things, treating me like his mother, lying to me, yes....but...why am I still so bothered by this? At some point, I wanted a future with him, now I see none, but I can't let go.


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## bluebeauty

I thought it was normal for married couples to fight all the time and for one party to ignore the other...

I realized it wasn't normal and that was not what I wanted. That's how this all got started. Enough is enough, but yet, I still hold on...

Maybe it's my issue with "failure" that makes me hold on.


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## Conrad

bluebeauty said:


> Thanks Conrad. I don't think I'll ever have the right kind of feelings for him. It makes it hard because he hasn't done anything concrete to deserve this. Ignoring me, not communicating, saying hurtful things, treating me like his mother, lying to me, yes....but...why am I still so bothered by this? At some point, I wanted a future with him, now I see none, but I can't let go.


I'd make the appointment with a counselor and get to the bottom of it before I did a thing about it.

Carpenter's rule.

Measure twice.

Cut once.


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## AmandaC

Hi bluebeauty,

I am not in a similar situation. I just feel if your husband is kind and good, why would you want to leave him? I understand that "intimacy" is an important part, however, scientifically its more of chemicals running around in your body. 

And if you are a not feeling attracted to him, chances are you may not feel attracted to anyone else too, or you may just lose attraction for any other person of opposite sex too. There are no guarantees!

However, do what you think is best for both of you and try to act fast if you already know the answer.


Amanda


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## synthetic

Ok so help me understand. 

You don't feel attracted to him physically and he doesn't seem to care. You're only 27. He's probably around your age (right?).

Where is he releasing his stuff? I would suspect pornography is his current mate.

If that's the case, you need to do everything you can to get him to IC for porn addiction.

If he has no desire to have sex with anyone, then he's depressed. His chemical balance is not right. It's not normal for a guy to not want sex.

Have you done anything to investigate these issues? You are in a marriage and I admire your concerns about your husband's feelings, but if you really haven't taken proper steps to help him, then your concerns are not much use to him.

Also, when did you stop having "wifey" feelings for him and not being attracted? 

About seeing a future with him, I don't think you were blind when you got married to him. You obviously saw a future and made a commitment. 

Divorce is not pretty. It's a ride to hell and back with wounds that sometimes never heal no matter which side of the matter you are on. No one escapes divorce unharmed. Be careful what you initiate before it's too late.

Can you have a few conversations with him without fighting?


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## harlisondavidly

bluebeauty said:


> I don't think I'll ever have the right kind of feelings for him.


BB, I haven't read your other threads and maybe the answer is there, but have you ever "wanted to rip his clothes off"? Have you ever had the right kind of feelings for him? If not, then why did you get married? I am struggling with a similar situation and feelings so that is the basis for my asking.

HD


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## duchesspink

who is it that doesn't want the sex? I'm confused by the posts and I'm not sure if its you that's not wanting sex or him.

I've left my marriage after 3 years of no sex due to his refusal. I'm 37 and wanted children, that was more important to me than anything else.

I don't hold with all of the therapy stuff, if you are unhappy in your marriage, then you're unhappy in your marriage. A therapist talking about your childhood isn't going to help.

I was gutted to be leaving my husband as he was my best friend for 10 years, I thought i'd never be able to go through life not in contact with him, but hey I left him, met another guy fairly quickly and haven't looked back.

Now i'm in a relationship where sex is fantastic, I feel wanted and desired and as a result, I want and desire him too.

I think your husband and you need a good long talk about where your future is headed and he needs it to be pointed out in no uncertain terms that you will leave if you can't get things straight.

I still believe that my husband didn't try to fix our marriage because he believed I'd never leave him


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## bluebeauty

Conrad said:


> I'd make the appointment with a counselor and get to the bottom of it before I did a thing about it.
> 
> Carpenter's rule.
> 
> Measure twice.
> 
> Cut once.


Hi Conrad - yes, I'm in IC. Working on it, but all that seemed to happen was I started feeling better. I enjoy my husband's company, I just feel like there should be more "feelings"..


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## bluebeauty

AmandaC said:


> Hi bluebeauty,
> 
> I am not in a similar situation. I just feel if your husband is kind and good, why would you want to leave him? I understand that "intimacy" is an important part, however, scientifically its more of chemicals running around in your body.
> 
> And if you are a not feeling attracted to him, chances are you may not feel attracted to anyone else too, or you may just lose attraction for any other person of opposite sex too. There are no guarantees!
> 
> However, do what you think is best for both of you and try to act fast if you already know the answer.
> 
> 
> Amanda


Hi Amanda - I guess I'm thinking I should leave because I don't have intimate feelings towards him. My H is a great man, but I know a lot of great men, doesn't mean i want to sleep with them. I had tests done, and physically, there is nothing wrong with me, and I'm in IC to discuss my emotions, etc. I've had other successful physical relationships  I know there are no guarentees  

The worst part is like I said...He's a great man!


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## bluebeauty

synthetic said:


> Ok so help me understand.
> 
> You don't feel attracted to him physically and he doesn't seem to care. You're only 27. He's probably around your age (right?).
> 
> Where is he releasing his stuff? I would suspect pornography is his current mate.
> 
> If that's the case, you need to do everything you can to get him to IC for porn addiction.
> 
> If he has no desire to have sex with anyone, then he's depressed. His chemical balance is not right. It's not normal for a guy to not want sex.
> 
> Have you done anything to investigate these issues? You are in a marriage and I admire your concerns about your husband's feelings, but if you really haven't taken proper steps to help him, then your concerns are not much use to him.
> 
> Also, when did you stop having "wifey" feelings for him and not being attracted?
> 
> About seeing a future with him, I don't think you were blind when you got married to him. You obviously saw a future and made a commitment.
> 
> Divorce is not pretty. It's a ride to hell and back with wounds that sometimes never heal no matter which side of the matter you are on. No one escapes divorce unharmed. Be careful what you initiate before it's too late.
> 
> Can you have a few conversations with him without fighting?


Hi, yes he is 29. I tried to get him to go to IC, but he won't go. I told him 2 years ago (married about 6 months) that he was neglecting me, taking me for granted, treating me like his mother or one of the guys and it was affecting my feelings for him. He did nothing other than buy me a present. Wouldn't talk to me, or try to work on our feelings. I feel like all the blame is being placed on me, I guess I shouldn't expect anything different..

We can talk all the time without fighting, unless it's about something serious..as long as we stick to tv/sports, everything is fine.


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## EleGirl

bluebeauty said:


> I'm not trying to make him miserable. I do love him :'( I feel like nobody gets it. We've been together 6 years, it may not seem long to most, but I'm only 27. I love my husband, like family. I wish I had wifely feelings towards him. I'm so scared of the actual separation, losing all the good we have. I'm in IC for major situational depression...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you ever have wifely feelings for him?


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## bluebeauty

harlisondavidly said:


> BB, I haven't read your other threads and maybe the answer is there, but have you ever "wanted to rip his clothes off"? Have you ever had the right kind of feelings for him? If not, then why did you get married? I am struggling with a similar situation and feelings so that is the basis for my asking.
> 
> HD


Hi HD - My H and I had a "normal" physical relationship. After we got engaged, things slowed down a little, once we were married it became non-existant. It just seemed like things changed, the way he treated me..

It's been a long time since I wanted to "rip his clothes off", but I thought things always slowed down, just didn't expect it to burn out  I tried to talk to him, but to no avail did he even try to change, until I left recently, now he's trying but I'm so burnt out, exhausted, and depressed. I went home for awhile, and we got along, but the intimacy is just not there. I'd like to hear more about your story, maybe we can help each other


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## bluebeauty

duchesspink said:


> who is it that doesn't want the sex? I'm confused by the posts and I'm not sure if its you that's not wanting sex or him.
> 
> I've left my marriage after 3 years of no sex due to his refusal. I'm 37 and wanted children, that was more important to me than anything else.
> 
> I don't hold with all of the therapy stuff, if you are unhappy in your marriage, then you're unhappy in your marriage. A therapist talking about your childhood isn't going to help.
> 
> I was gutted to be leaving my husband as he was my best friend for 10 years,  I thought i'd never be able to go through life not in contact with him, but hey I left him, met another guy fairly quickly and haven't looked back.
> 
> Now i'm in a relationship where sex is fantastic, I feel wanted and desired and as a result, I want and desire him too.
> 
> I think your husband and you need a good long talk about where your future is headed and he needs it to be pointed out in no uncertain terms that you will leave if you can't get things straight.
> 
> I still believe that my husband didn't try to fix our marriage because he believed I'd never leave him


I don't want to have sex with him, he's hurt me, and ignored me for so long. I think it's a normal reaction, but now he's "trying" to be better, but our physical relationship was never that strong. I didn't care though because we are best friends, got along great, liked spending time, etc...

As I've gotten older, I want children and so does he, but I can't just do it...I need intimacy, romance, ugh...I feel so lost.


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## bluebeauty

EleGirl said:


> Did you ever have wifely feelings for him?


When we got engaged, yes, I was always so proud and happy to be with him, but things escalated...he would ignore me, neglect me, fight with me (but not talk things out), treat me like his mother or one of the guys..We fought a lot, but when it came time for the wedding, everything seemed to be in place, and I just kept thinking about all we did have, was sex and intimacy really that important? It didn't seem so at the time...

It's so hard, because I would have to give up all the good things  and I care about him and his feelings so much


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## EleGirl

bluebeauty said:


> When we got engaged, yes, I was always so proud and happy to be with him, but things escalated...he would ignore me, neglect me, fight with me (but not talk things out), treat me like his mother or one of the guys..We fought a lot, but when it came time for the wedding, everything seemed to be in place, and I just kept thinking about all we did have, was sex and intimacy really that important? It didn't seem so at the time...
> 
> It's so hard, because I would have to give up all the good things  and I care about him and his feelings so much


If you had that once it can be rebuilt. You are right that your loss of desire for him is a natural raction to the way he treated you. It can be healed but it takes time.

Take a look at the links in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. They are about how to rebuild what you have lost. The author, Dr. Harley also gives phone consulations. He might be able to help you two get beyond this. Since you still love your husband on some levels it might be worth a try.


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## bluebeauty

EleGirl said:


> If you had that once it can be rebuilt. You are right that your loss of desire for him is a natural raction to the way he treated you. It can be healed but it takes time.
> 
> Take a look at the links in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. They are about how to rebuild what you have lost. The author, Dr. Harley also gives phone consulations. He might be able to help you two get beyond this. Since you still love your husband on some levels it might be worth a try.


Thank you EleGirl


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## grenville

bluebeauty said:


> I'm not trying to make him miserable. I do love him :'( I feel like nobody gets it. We've been together 6 years, it may not seem long to most, but I'm only 27. I love my husband, like family. I wish I had wifely feelings towards him. I'm so scared of the actual separation, losing all the good we have. I'm in IC for major situational depression...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, I certainly didn't mean to imply that you _want_ to make him miserable, just that you most likely are doing. I understand entirely how you can feel great affection towards someone without wanting to have sex with them. I feel that way towards my sister for example. When you say you love him like family, I assume you're getting at something similar. Really it comes down to deciding whether all the good stuff is worth being married to someone that doesn't turn you on. I think many people over the ages have decided that it is, there's nothing evil or bad about coming to that conclusion. The real trouble comes when you can't make your mind up and both of you end up living in permanent, painful, limbo. It sucks very badly and my heart goes out to you.


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## Unhappy2011

bluebeauty said:


> He won't...and I know that. It just breaks my heart. I feel like I'm falling apart. Being in "limbo" is the worst thing I've ever felt. I'm having a really hard time accepting that it's over and it's my choice. He said he won't divorce me, that I will have to divorce him. Shouldn't he want more for himself too? It's all on my shoulders and it's killing me...literally.


You're in deep and it's gonna hurt. No way around that.

Just went through a break up like that myself. She was a good woman and it broke her heart.

But I just was not feeling what she was feeling towards me. I didn't feel we really had much compatibility nor offered what I was offering and wanted. I was not happy and it began to feel like it was killing me.

Now that she is gone, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel great, excited, other times I feel terrible, lonely, guilty, missing her, thinking I made a terrible mistake that I will never find someone so good to me again.

But I was not in love. And that's what I want. And that is what she deserves.

You got to just follow your heart and gut.

Think positively.


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## Tubes

Lon said:


> .... I needed her to stroke my ego once in awhile, because as a man if you don't feel like you can satisfy your W's needs your self esteem takes a hit, and for women it seems there is nothing more unnattractive then a guy with low self-esteem or confidence.


So, I'm in that position currently. My wife may love me but is not interested in me, my self esteem has been shattered so now I'm even less attractive to her, Now what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

Tubes said:


> So, I'm in that position currently. My wife may love me but is not interested in me, my self esteem has been shattered so now I'm even less attractive to her, Now what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take these steps:

- Find your self esteem by doing things like (work-out, new wardrobe, conversing with the opposite sex)

- Become social. Meet new people with your wife.
- Become a bit "loose" in interacting with other women in front of your wife. Show your charm and cause a few sparks between yourself and other women (nothing crazy).

Observe your wife's behavior and adjust accordingly. She needs to know that you are able to attract other females and have "chosen" to be with her.


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## bluebeauty

grenville said:


> Sorry, I certainly didn't mean to imply that you _want_ to make him miserable, just that you most likely are doing. I understand entirely how you can feel great affection towards someone without wanting to have sex with them. I feel that way towards my sister for example. When you say you love him like family, I assume you're getting at something similar. Really it comes down to deciding whether all the good stuff is worth being married to someone that doesn't turn you on. I think many people over the ages have decided that it is, there's nothing evil or bad about coming to that conclusion. The real trouble comes when you can't make your mind up and both of you end up living in permanent, painful, limbo. It sucks very badly and my heart goes out to you.


Grenville - thank you so much for your response. Its very confusing. Alot of people in my life don't get how I can care/love him so much, but that I don't want to be physical with him, but the support from people on TAM has been so helpful and definitely talked me off of the hypothetical ledge.


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## bluebeauty

Unhappy2011 said:


> You're in deep and it's gonna hurt. No way around that.
> 
> Just went through a break up like that myself. She was a good woman and it broke her heart.
> 
> But I just was not feeling what she was feeling towards me. I didn't feel we really had much compatibility nor offered what I was offering and wanted. I was not happy and it began to feel like it was killing me.
> 
> Now that she is gone, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel great, excited, other times I feel terrible, lonely, guilty, missing her, thinking I made a terrible mistake that I will never find someone so good to me again.
> 
> But I was not in love. And that's what I want. And that is what she deserves.
> 
> You got to just follow your heart and gut.
> 
> Think positively.


Unhappy - That's exactly how I feel! How did you do it? At what point did you know what was right for you/her? I guess it's normal to feel all of those feelings


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## Unhappy2011

bluebeauty said:


> Unhappy - That's exactly how I feel! How did you do it? At what point did you know what was right for you/her? I guess it's normal to feel all of those feelings


Like you, I knew all along, the point for me was her pushing marriage or she leaves. And that is when the easy comfort of the relationship(which I took for granted) stopped and the anxiety set in.

I was having trouble sleeping at night, thinking this is killing me and I just can't go on anymore. 


It forced me to search out information.

What really helped was reading a few books,

"Are you the one for me?" Barbara de Angelis

"Falling in love for the right reasons." Dr Warren Clark. (eharmony guy)


It really helped articulate what were very confusing intense, esoteric, emotions inside.

Simply put, I was able to recognize a dysfunctional relationship pattern I had fallen into over the years. I had my heart broken once and felt such loss of control, that my subsequent relationships were ones where clearly the girl was way more into me than I was into her. That was how I maintained control. I am not proud of that. It's a half ass way to live. But I had to come to grips with it.

And also we were not really that compatible. Something I knew, but could never justify as a good reason to leave an otherwise good, quality person who loves me.

It also helped explain why I got into the relationship in the first place. She was a good person, with good values, that we had instant sexual chemistry with. It was too easy in the beginning, but by the time the flags started to appear, I was already attached due to the sex and companionship.


A fulfilling long lasting relationship takes more than that. And I was not fulfilled and could not see a future together.


So I told her. And she was devestated and packed her stuff and left. And this time(we had gotten to this point 5 times previous) I didn't stop her. And she finally had the resolve not to be stopped.




My only advice to you is just be completely honest.

The truth will set you free, one way or the other.


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## bluebeauty

Thank you friend. I will check out those books. I too felt the pain of a major break up before. I think a lot of that made me hold on (which is really ****ty, I know)...


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## EleGirl

bluebeauty said:


> Thanks Conrad. I don't think I'll ever have the right kind of feelings for him. It makes it hard because *he hasn't done anything concrete to deserve this. Ignoring me, not communicating, saying hurtful things, treating me like his mother, lying to me, yes*....but...why am I still so bothered by this? At some point, I wanted a future with him, now I see none, but I can't let go.


That right there is the crux of the problem. He did not do what is necessary to maintain a romantic, passionate marriage. What you are feeling is the outcome of his not treating you in the way a wife needs to be treated.


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## EleGirl

duchesspink said:


> who is it that doesn't want the sex? I'm confused by the posts and I'm not sure if its you that's not wanting sex or him.
> 
> I've left my marriage after 3 years of no sex due to his refusal. I'm 37 and wanted children, that was more important to me than anything else.
> 
> I don't hold with all of the therapy stuff, if you are unhappy in your marriage, then you're unhappy in your marriage. A therapist talking about your childhood isn't going to help.
> 
> I was gutted to be leaving my husband as he was my best friend for 10 years, I thought i'd never be able to go through life not in contact with him, but hey I left him, met another guy fairly quickly and haven't looked back.
> 
> Now i'm in a relationship where sex is fantastic, I feel wanted and desired and as a result, I want and desire him too.
> 
> I think your husband and you need a good long talk about where your future is headed and he needs it to be pointed out in no uncertain terms that you will leave if you can't get things straight.
> 
> I still believe that my husband didn't try to fix our marriage because he believed I'd never leave him


MC is not about talking about your childhood. It's about talking about the marriage and figuring out what each person can do differently to make things better.


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## spudster

> Hi HD - My H and I had a "normal" physical relationship. After we got engaged, things slowed down a little, once we were married it became non-existant. It just seemed like things changed, the way he treated me..


Why do I doubt this?

Tell me, who wanted to get married, you or him? 

Were you one of those girlie girl's who always dreamed of your wedding day; planned it from the time you were 13; spent hours looking through bridal books waiting for the day you were old enough to marry?

Did you pressure your husband into marrying you?


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## cory275

you may feel like no one "gets it", and that may be ture, but we're all on here for a reason. this is the "considering divorce" section for christ sake. all of us have had issues, so you should take the advice you're getting to heart. 

with that said, if you dont have sexual feelings toward your husband and you want to be "best friends" than be just that. if you guys are as close as you think you are, then you should both want the best for eachother like normal best friends. youve already taken the sex out of the relationship, so there's no point in being married. especially if you feel you're missing out on stuff. dont worry, if you're as close as you say you are then you're friendship will remain. both of you deserve not to hold eachother back.


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## bluebeauty

cory275 said:


> you may feel like no one "gets it", and that may be ture, but we're all on here for a reason. this is the "considering divorce" section for christ sake. all of us have had issues, so you should take the advice you're getting to heart.
> 
> with that said, if you dont have sexual feelings toward your husband and you want to be "best friends" than be just that. if you guys are as close as you think you are, then you should both want the best for eachother like normal best friends. youve already taken the sex out of the relationship, so there's no point in being married. especially if you feel you're missing out on stuff. dont worry, if you're as close as you say you are then you're friendship will remain. both of you deserve not to hold eachother back.


Thank you Cory. I hope you're right! We both want each other to be happy, and we've both been content living this way because we do love/care about each other.


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## bluebeauty

spudster said:


> Why do I doubt this?
> 
> Tell me, who wanted to get married, you or him?
> 
> Were you one of those girlie girl's who always dreamed of your wedding day; planned it from the time you were 13; spent hours looking through bridal books waiting for the day you were old enough to marry?
> 
> Did you pressure your husband into marrying you?


We both wanted to get married. He asked me. We lived together for ~2 years before we got married. All girls dream of their wedding day. I think I said before I got caught up in everything and stopped focusing on feelings/issues. I def did not force him. What makes you think that?


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## asylumspadez

You are both at fault for your marriage problems. You are at fault for putting up with the problems he caused and he is at fault for causing these problems. You need to sit down with him ,no more BS, and talk to him. Tell him about all the problems you have with him and try to fix them.

Also try to be more intimate with him or at least try. Try to initiate things between the two of you and see where it goes. You two have been together for a while and who knows, Maybe actually having sex together would do you some good.


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## sammy3

bluebeauty, 

i can relate 100% with what you are feeling. i love my husband, but i am not in love with him. 

~sammy


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## Struggling4ever

Unhappy2011 said:


> I was having trouble sleeping at night, thinking this is killing me and I just can't go on anymore.
> 
> Simply put, I was able to recognize a dysfunctional relationship pattern I had fallen into over the years. It also helped explain why I got into the relationship in the first place. She was a good person, with good values, that we had instant sexual chemistry with. It was too easy in the beginning, but by the time the flags started to appear, I was already attached due to the sex and companionship.
> 
> *My only advice to you is just be completely honest.
> 
> The truth will set you free, one way or the other*.


This is all so true for so many people but the statements in bold...that's what started my journey...and it has been an eye opener! Someone told me that I needed to be honest with myself. I thought - I know how to be honest with others and what that means, but being honest with myself? What is that?:scratchhead: I struggled for a couple years before figuring it out. 

Re-read what you are writing. I believe that you are probably not happy with where you are, but being like me, you don't want to hurt anyone....the problem is, in the end you are hurting.
Try being as kind to yoursel as you are to others, 

and........ Be honest with yourself! Good luck!!!


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## GoodLove

I've been in the same position with someone I was not married to, but lived with for 7 years. I was not in love with him for 6 of those years, and whenever he touched me, I felt repulsed. But I felt too guilty to leave because he was so kind and good. Eventually we did break up. It was horrible and I wanted to die every day for months. But 5 years later, I'm glad I moved on. We never could have been happy, and I was just wasting both of our time. I think you want real, true, deep, passionate love--and if it's just not there, you can't force it. I think you should start seeing a therapist to work through your guilt and form an exit strategy.


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## lostlove81

I know your situation and am in a very similar one at the moment. I like you don't want to break his heart.

I really don't think there is any other way than to just do it. Make the decision, find a time when he will listen (which is the hardest part) and talk to him. I know this is what I have to do and am working towards it at the moemnt. 

I don't think any break-up is easy but if it;s what we have to do to move on and be happy in life, we need to do it. I like you are young (30) I want kids one day and my H doesnt even know if he can have kids and never told me before we were married  so that kinda sucks! 
You are bothered by this because you care for him, its human nature. You don't want to hurt him but you will.


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## firetruck

Hi everybody,I'm on the other side of this...my wife has lost the love for me....I just wish she'd love me or leave me so i get on and heal,it's been going on for 4 months and is doing my head in all this pushing pulling pushing pulling.....we are due to start counselling and i'm hoping this will bring it back. a little history....we been together 19 years have 3 daughters 1 with very high special needs.for the past 3 years we have pretty much been flatmates till 4 months ago i decided i wanted more for me and my family i gave up smokes and started running and well it went down hill from there. my wife also has some serious childhood issue's (abuse). and a feeling of being abandoned by her father when her parents broke up,and this stuff seems to have come up for her.she tells me she's not interested in any man touching her,and it kind of feels like i'm the guy that done all this stuff (abuse and abandonment)to her that's how i feel.i don't think she let me go,but like i said i want more than flatmates,i want the love and think we both deserve it, it's really hard for me cause i love her and when someone not want you it seems to make you want them more....she also keeps bringing up all the negative **** i've done in our marriage stuff's that not there anymore like things i did 18 years ago when i was a drinker....you know most men when they go through a mid life thing get a fancy sport's car and a 20 year old girl friend....i just wanted more with my family....lol wish i'd gone with the car and 20 yr old now......good luck to you.....


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## bluebeauty

All - sorry I have not posted for awhile. Thank you so much for all of your responses. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. 

Sammy - I am here if you need to talk. Are you still with your H? Separated?

S4E - I'm trying so hard to be honest with myself. It's not easy. I question myself constantly - am I expecting too much? could I have done more? Is ___ really that important? etc... 

GoodLove - I am in therapy, but it's just so hard to deal with. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be a "cake eater." We're best friends. I find myself missing him, missing laughing, missing hanging out, but that's what FRIENDS do...sighs..

LostLove - What is your plan? Are you guys going to therapy together? Are kids a deal breaker for you?

FireTruck - I am so sorry you are in this position. Have you told your wife to love you or leave you (essentially)? How did she respond to that? I feel like after all this, you guys may be able to work it out. She shouldn't bring up stuff from 18 years ago. That's not fair. Do you really want to be with someone like that? I hope you find peace soon.  No one deserves to hurt..


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## firetruck

Hi bluebeauty...yes i have told her,it almost feels like she is co-dependent on me and can't let go which must be hell on her,and with all that stuff she lay's on me about the past i think she coming at me to either convince herself to break up with me,or she's using our marriage as a avoidance to sort out the other childhood stuff that's come up for her...i dunno really it's so effin hard,i just want more....you know the funny thing is that if she dos choose to end this i think in time she will have very deep regret's about it,without sounding to conceited i am a very good man with a beautiful heart,i love my family i love been a father and a husband and i don't want to be a part time Dad, the truth for me is that as much as i love my children,if we don't make it I don't think i could stand to be in this town with her and watch her have other lover's it would just be so hard, i'd have to go some where and find something maybe peace, what i do know bluebeauty is that I can't do misery 
....life is vital gotta live it on purpose.....and that's what i'm rolling with i'm just gonna be and if she can't see me that's out of my control...tear's well in my eye's as i write this, hope you are ok


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## Struggling4ever

firetruck said:


> ....you know the funny thing is that if she dos choose to end this i think in time she will have very deep regret's about it,without sounding to conceited i am a very good man with a beautiful heart,i love my family i love been a father and a husband and i don't want to be a part time Dad, the truth for me is that as much as i love my children,if we don't make it I don't think i could stand to be in this town with her and watch her have other lover's it would just be so hard, i'd have to go some where and find something maybe peace,


One BIG question....
you said in your first post "I have 3 daughters 1 with very high special needs", 

now you say 
"without sounding to conceited i am a very good man with a beautiful heart,*i love my family i love been a father *and a husband and i don't want to be a part time Dad, the truth for me is that as much *as i love my children*,if we don't make it I don't think i could stand to be in this town with her and watch her have other lover's it would just be so hard"

A good dad who loves his children would not leave town and desert them because it would be too hard...and I know you preceded with "without sounding conceited"...but for the record - you do! Such a catch....


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## firetruck

yes you are right struggling4ever....it just so painful,and i think once i get away and find something of myself again i would come back i have given my family all of myself over the last 19 years and feel this is part of our problem it's like i've lost who i am and cannot seem to get that back i do not know where to begin i like hanging out at home with my kids i have a few friends that visit me and work full time i was happy i.the other option that i'm entertaining is going for day to day care of my daughter not that my wife is a bad mum in fact she is fantastic mother it's just that i'm the homebody and she likes getting out and about traveling etc... so i pretty much look after the kids alot of the time we have discussed this i'd rather do this with her on board than go to courts it could work out ok she's not shutting down this idea, for me it would be better for her to come hang with us in my world than me go into her world not that she'd rush out and get new lover straight away but love can strike at any time and she is after all a very hot lady...lol,we not at this place yet we have yet to do marriage counselling and we could sort it out i am hopeful that we can work and am very willing to give this my best, i'm trying to get open talking going and pull down some of the walls that she's putting up she is very stubborn lady and seems to be holding onto past very much, i dunno strugglingforever it's just very painful for me and i think it hurts her like hell as well these things are never pleasant,


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## bluebeauty

How's everyone holding up today? I'm feeling really down. Trying to figure out whether I miss the comfort of my life with my H or him....ugh..:'(


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## eastern irish

Hi bluebeauty, am new to here.

You seem to have been confused but how did you exactly feel when you separated from him? Did you miss him? If you did, I think you still have some love towards him.

I'm in a worse position now where I and wife are hating and killing each other and we have two beautiful children, which makes it even more difficult for me to decide whether I should separate from her or not. Feel free to read my thread.

As you guys don't have children yet, actual separation should be easier for you than my situation. If a child was involved, it would be a mush worse shackles.


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## HisMrs83

I'm just playing devil's advocate (so, please don't take anything personal)... 

Above you stated, "He's a great man but just not for me." And, "I don't want to lose all the good we have."

Yes, the relationship has issues based on what you've stated but what relationship doesn't? If he's your bestfriend, that says a lot. Have you evaluated yourself to see what it is you really want out of a partner [other] than a fierce sexual relationship? And would you be willing to trade that type of relationship for the close bond you seem to have with your H? 

IJS, no one will ever have the total package. We all lack something. It's just a matter of time before it's spotted.

Just remember it will always be a trade off.

Exactly what doesn't turn you on about him? What if he changed his hair or started working out? It sounds like it's just a physical turn off outside of the things you pointed out. But overall, you said the relationship is pretty good.

How was your sex life prior to marriage?


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## bluebeauty

Our physical relationship was never really good, but I understand relationships aren't perfect. I chose the trade off. I married my best friend, who I loved to do things with, who listened to me, talked to me, was there for me..I chose that over a strong sexual relationship.

However, after we got married, he stopped doing as many things with me, and stopped talking to me (even after I begged him too). He started treating me like his mom, more than his best friend even...

Obviously, we still have an emotional bond, it's comfortable, but I guess as I've gotten older, my priorities have changed, and so have his. He wants more physical, and so do i, but I just don't feel it. He use to be so good to me, but I guess being neglected, always put 2nd, and being treated like someone's mom takes the attraction away.

I appreciate your response and a different perspective.


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## bluebeauty

It's not his physical look that is unattractive to me....

For example, we are separated, I'm currently living with my parents (shoot me). This has made him very angry. I asked him if he can like try to "date me." He said he doesn't want to date me, he wants me home. I think you should always "date" your spouse and appreciate them.

I would always do things like make him breakfast in bed...until he started being like "what...no orange juice?!" seriously!


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## HisMrs83

I understand. I do wish you the best and hope that you find what you're looking for.


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## sinnister

I know this thread is a week old now but I just wanted to state that a lot of the posts here read like people that are out of the infatuation stage of marriage and have entered the reality stage.

It's not always going to be strong physical attraction 24-7. Men don't communicate well. Most men. Most men act like children (at least when we're sick) compared to women.

You need to know if your not feeling the attraction because of what he has or hasn't done, or who he is.

You've gone back and forth on both. If it's what he's done that can be fixed with modified behaviour. If it's who he is, cut the poor man loose to find happiness.


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## Jayb

bluebeauty said:


> He won't...and I know that. It just breaks my heart. I feel like I'm falling apart. Being in "limbo" is the worst thing I've ever felt. I'm having a really hard time accepting that it's over and it's my choice. He said he won't divorce me, that I will have to divorce him. Shouldn't he want more for himself too? It's all on my shoulders and it's killing me...literally.


You sound much like my wife, except we have 2 small children and 12 years of marriage.

My W did not tell me all this was going on until 2.5 years after. then, as I was dealing with my own depression, it hit me doubly hard.

We separated. Going on 10 months. I filed for D back in November, but had grave 2nd thoughts 3 months ago. I begged and pleaded, but she, with the same feelings as you, just wants us to end, so that we, or I can be happy with someone I deserve. She refuses any last chance, either for me, or for the children.

I want her. She can't accept that now. She's too afraid of any change not lasting and being back in this state in a year or 2.

I feel everything, and just recently started on my path for ME.


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## Jayb

sammy3 said:


> bluebeauty,
> 
> i can relate 100% with what you are feeling. i love my husband, but i am not in love with him.
> 
> ~sammy


And no matter what I do, or the effects on the children would give you more pause, give more time, to attempt to work through it? Yes, I see R, but at this point, my goal was for her to still question, but to still give us time and remain separated, rather than proceed with the D.


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## bluebeauty

Yes, we're staying separated for now and working on ourselves. We've tried everything else. If D happens, I want to know that we tried everything.


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