# How to catch husband watching porn?



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Not sure if this is against forum regulations. If it is, please delete this post. 

Also please don’t judge our thoughts on porn, but I don’t like my husband watching porn just as much as he doesn’t want me watching it. 

If you and your partner think differently, that’s great. 

So as I mentioned in a post here many months ago, I’m pretty sure I caught my husband watching porn through our car Bluetooth twice. I didn’t mention it to him then, although I should have. I was so shocked and hurt. I also didn’t want to confront him because I knew he’d be so embarrassed and a part of me didn’t want him to feel ashamed and embarrassed. 

Anyways, I feel as though we are not as intimate as we used to be. We can go weeks without having sex. And I have a feeling that when he does want to have sex, he watches porn before he initiates it, because sometimes I’ll go to our bedroom to get into bed and he’ll quickly put his phone down while he’s under the cover. Then he’ll start wanting sex. I can tell sometimes by his action of how he put his phone down, that he’ll now probably want sex, and sure enough he does. This tells me he has to watch porn before he initiates sex with me. As you can imagine, this is very hurtful to me. 

He also takes it to the bathroom and stays in there for a long time. 

I can ask him now if he watches porn, but I know he’ll deny it. I’d like to have proof first. 

He watches it on his phone. And he has an Android. 
In case he watched porn through our wifi, I tried to login to our router and asked customer service if it was possible to see websites visited. I was told no. 

I don’t know what else to do. I could turn our car on and see if the car picks up what he’s looking at on his phone, but our new house has a very noisy garage door and he’d hear me turning the car on. 

Don’t know what else I could do. 

He changes the TV channel when the commercial for men’s underwear comes on because he feels uncomfortable with me seeing it. Yet here he is possibly (although I have a feeling he is for certain) viewing porn and looking at other naked women. 

I am signing off now, but I hope I can get some help.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think everything starts with a non-judgmental conversation asking him not to stop watching porn, but rather ask why he seems to need to watch porn to get aroused enough for the two of you to have sex. Don't make this about him. Don't make it about you. Make it about "us." Try and get everything out on the table, without being defensive. It sounds like that may be very tough for you. But, assuming it's the case, let him know that yes, you're happy that he isn't having an affair to meet the sexual needs he isn't getting through your marriage, but there's still damage being done.

As for the websites he's viewing, there are ways to filter allowable websites through your router, and some routers can give you a list of websites viewed. But... if he's truly addicted to porn, you'd probably rather have him fueling that addiction at home rather than elsewhere.

Your comment about taking the phone into the bathroom for a long time made me laugh. That's where I sometimes view TAM.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

If you have the money to get a another router, viewing the sites connected devices visit is possible. Our router has that functionality. Some also have parental controls, though you would be looking to send yourself a notification if he visits porn website, rather than block them. So you could look for that.

If you have access to his phone, you could open it up and just look at what he's been up to. But that of course has a higher risk of getting caught.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

What kind of relationship do you have with your husband? I had to confront my STBX on something I had no real proof that he had lied about. I asked him about it again, he lied again, so I simply said "you do know I'm not stupid, right?" and he admitted I had been right all along. That answer was the end of our marriage and yet, he still gave me the truth despite desperately wanting to hold onto our marriage. 

Sometimes the answer is very simple. The key is that I remained calm and did not yell or call him names, etc. It was just a conversation.

I wish you good luck!!!


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

How frequently would you want to have sex? How frequently did you before?

I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to wait around for you to get in the mood. When he does masturbate, he will probably want porn.

I’d also wonder if you have changed (eg, have you gained 50 pounds).

You could agree to house rules like “no electronics (including phones) in the bathroom” and “no TV or electronics on any night until we’ve had sex.”

Are you okay with him reading stories (erotica), like Penthouse Letters, instead of viewing movies? What about pictures of you (eg, a boudoir shoot)?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Your primary problem is the decreased intimacy. I'd start there with a direct conversation. If it leads to pornography, so be it. Be advised, there is a good chance that viewing pornography is a result and not a cause.

If you're committed to playing Columbo, make sure you have given a lot of thought to what you will do if you find the smoking gun you seek.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Annizka said:


> And I have a feeling that when he does want to have sex, he watches porn before he initiates it, because sometimes I’ll go to our bedroom to get into bed and he’ll quickly put his phone down while he’s under the cover. Then he’ll start wanting sex. I can tell sometimes by his action of how he put his phone down, that he’ll now probably want sex, and sure enough he does. This tells me he has to watch porn before he initiates sex with me. As you can imagine, this is very hurtful to me.


It may be that he was starting to masturbate, you walked in on him, and now he needs to finish. He can’t masturbate in front of you so he initiates sex.

So maybe it’s not that he needs porn to initiate with you, but that he prefers porn to you. Or you give him sex so infrequently that he expects to have to masturbate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Annizka I am on my phone a lot. An awful lot.

No porn viewing. But...

1) TAM.
2) Playing Scrabble.
3) News sites, YouTube.
4) Emails, Twitter, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CraigBesuden said:


> It may be that he was starting to masturbate, you walked in on him, and now he needs to finish. He can’t masturbate in front of you so he initiates sex.
> 
> So maybe it’s not that he needs porn to initiate with you, but that he prefers porn to you. Or you give him sex so infrequently that he expects to have to masturbate.


Or if he uses porn he uses it to help him get/maintain an erection?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think as others suggested, the decrease in intimacy is the place to start the conversation, not porn. 

The part I copied below: could it be he does "need" it, has erection difficulties otherwise? This could come from habitual porn use, or some other issue. 

Maybe you can take as non-hostile approach as you can. If he is using porn to get in the mood - maybe there is something you could do instead?

I don't know any of the details of your sexual interaction with him, so this could be completely off base, no offense intended. Some women think men are always ready for sex - but that isn't always true. Some men need various sorts of warm up first, just as some women do. Is there a lot of romance and cuddling for him (or whatever sort of things arouse him)?





Annizka said:


> Not sure if this is against forum regulations. If it is, please delete this post.
> snip
> Anyways, I feel as though we are not as intimate as we used to be. We can go weeks without having sex. And I have a feeling that when he does want to have sex, he watches porn before he initiates it, because sometimes I’ll go to our bedroom to get into bed and he’ll quickly put his phone down while he’s under the cover. Then he’ll start wanting sex. I can tell sometimes by his action of how he put his phone down, that he’ll now probably want sex, and sure enough he does. This tells me he has to watch porn before he initiates sex with me. As you can imagine, this is very hurtful to me.
> snip
> ...


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Just to answer a few questions. I’m sorry if I miss something. 

My looks did change. I had a somewhat difficult labor with our baby 15 months ago, that led to me having a surgery after birth. With the recovery, also our baby needing to be in the NICU for a while there, I lost a lot of weight. I have gained some back, but I am still underweight. My husband keeps telling me I should gain weight, that he loves my body now as well, but I should gain weight to be healthy. 

However, the two times I caught him watching porn was a few months into the marriage, when my looks were the same as when we met. 

And I can only remember twice when I turned down sex in our marriage, both times I was really not feeling well. He knows he can do it whenever he wants with me, and I am always in the mood. 

Someone mentioned that maybe I walked in on him masturbating and that’s why he then wanted sex with me, not that he needs to watch porn in order to have sex with me. But the times that I come in and he quickly puts his phone down while under the cover then initiates sex, he knew I was coming to bed. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth so he knew I’d be in bed in a matter of a few minutes. 

And if he does need porn as a stimulus, doesn’t it mean I’m not enough? I don’t lay there stiff like a starfish. I engage with him and show him I want him. But knowing that he does have a habit of watching porn, I feel like I’m failing. 

I did one time address why we were being less intimate. He said that maybe it’s because of the stress of the job. But there wasn’t that stress when I caught him early in the marriage. 

At the end of the day, I don’t want an excuse to why he’s watching it. I just want him to stop. I don’t watch it, so why should he? I don’t wear yoga pants or chiffon tops because he gets jealous of other men’s attention. So why is he giving his attention to these naked women online and not to me?

I could address the lack of intimacy again and mention porn to him, but I know he’ll deny it if I don’t have proof. 

Someone mentioned getting another router. I don’t think that’ll be possible. I was thinking getting a small Bluetooth speaker and connecting his phone to it. Then when I think he’s watching it, to turn it on and see what he’s watching. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. 

I appreciate your responses, everyone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel for you, I would hate it if my husband was a porn user. I think you know that he is a porn user but don't seem confident to challenge him on it. You two need to have a heart to heart and he needs to be honest. 
I would sit him down and say, I know that you watch porn, please don't deny it, and I am not going to stay with you if you don't stop.
Give him the choice, the porn or you. For some men, that's what it takes for them to stop but you have to mean it. 

Please dont listen to those people who try and blame you IE how often of you have sex, have you put on weight, that's all nonsense. and no excuse for porn use. Its like blaming the cheated on spouse when their partner has an affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you were to find out that he's watching porn, what is your plan to deal with this?


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

OP, just because he watches porn in no way implies that you are not enough. Men enjoy visual stimuli to get aroused. Porn generally has nothing to do with the partner. It is a means to an end, and not a replacement. If you are an active participant in your sex life I highly doubt your husband prefers porn over you. With that said, porn can be problematic for some. If he needs to watch porn to achieve an erection, there is a problem. Only he can tell you whether or not that is the case. As for fixing the situation, as someone suggested, you could start with banning electronics from your bedroom. 

It really isn't good for either of you to be so offended by your partner seeing a partially nude form of the opposite sex briefly, and in context (ie: in a commercial, movie, etc.). If you don't want to see something, look away. Controlling each other rarely has a positive impact on a marriage. 

Jealousy is an unhealthy emotion, especially if it is not warranted. A bare chested man, or scantily clad woman, in a commercial does not warrant jealousy. Since you are both are uncomfortable with one another seeing even a commercial with the opposite sex, it is very likely that it is negatively impacting your intimacy with one another. Why? Because you both do things that are controlling, obsessive, and overall have a negative impact on your intimacy with one another. I am not saying you should be okay with each other drooling over the opposite sex, but changing the channel or getting jealous over a commercial is a bit much.

You sneaking around trying to figure out how to see what websites he has visited, is NOT good! Do you REALLY want to know? What will you do if you see that he has been on porn sites? Or, even worse, what if he has a profile on hookup sites? You think you want to know, but are you ready for the truth? It may be nothing, or it could be something that devastates you emotionally. As the saying goes “The answers you seek never come when the mind is busy. They come when the mind is still, when silence speaks loudest.” If he is looking at porn, is it worth your relationship to make him stop? It may cost you that. 

Based solely on what you have posted, you seem to have much deeper issues than him watching porn, to deal with. Jealousy and being controlling are rarely helpful in a relationship; especially in the bedroom. If you love and trust one another, there is no room for jealousy to grow, and no reason to micro manage one another. Without trust, it will be difficult to find intimacy.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I feel for you, I would hate it if my husband was a porn user. I think you know that he is a porn user but don't seem confident to challenge him on it. You two need to have a heart to heart and he needs to be honest.
> I would sit him down and say, I know that you watch porn, please don't deny it, and I am not going to stay with you if you don't stop.
> Give him the choice, the porn or you. For some men, that's what it takes for them to stop but you have to mean it.
> 
> Please dont listen to those people who try and blame you IE how often of you have sex, have you put on weight, that's all nonsense. and no excuse for porn use. Its like blaming the cheated on spouse when their partner has an affair.


Yes I can’t help but blame myself. Like I’m not good enough. Men are visual creatures, fair enough, but uwhy is he not satisfied with me it seems and needs to see these other girls? 



EleGirl said:


> If you were to find out that he's watching porn, what is your plan to deal with this?


If I find out for sure, 100%, I will let him know that he needs to stop watching it, how it makes me feel, and that we can work on this together. But if he doesn’t want to stop, then I will leave. 



Ed3n said:


> OP, just because he watches porn in no way implies that you are not enough. Men enjoy visual stimuli to get aroused. Porn generally has nothing to do with the partner. It is a means to an end, and not a replacement. If you are an active participant in your sex life I highly doubt your husband prefers porn over you. With that said, porn can be problematic for some. If he needs to watch porn to achieve an erection, there is a problem. Only he can tell you whether or not that is the case. As for fixing the situation, as someone suggested, you could start with banning electronics from your bedroom.
> 
> It really isn't good for either of you to be so offended by your partner seeing a partially nude form of the opposite sex briefly, and in context (ie: in a commercial, movie, etc.). If you don't want to see something, look away. Controlling each other rarely has a positive impact on a marriage.
> 
> ...


Yes I am ready for the truth. This is something that is affecting our life, him not being as intimate, possibly needing porn to get in the mood to get intimate with me. I feel at this point, next in line compared to the girls he’s watching online. Like he prefers them. 

There are hundreds of beautiful girls outside when we go out. It’s one thing to see a beautiful girl and think she’s beautiful, it’s another thing to go looking for naked girls and get off on them, while I’m feeling rejected yet another night. I feel like that should only be me that he’s “getting off on”. 

My God he’d be so livid if he found out I was watching other men online and masturbating to them. Then why does he think he can look at naked women online? Him being more visual doesn’t excuse it. 

Which brings me to ask this to the men here: how would you feel if you knew your partner was looking at men online and masturbating to them? I’m curious.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ed3n said:


> OP, just because he watches porn in no way implies that you are not enough. Men enjoy visual stimuli to get aroused. Porn generally has nothing to do with the partner. It is a means to an end, and not a replacement. If you are an active participant in your sex life I highly doubt your husband prefers porn over you. With that said, porn can be problematic for some. If he needs to watch porn to achieve an erection, there is a problem. Only he can tell you whether or not that is the case. As for fixing the situation, as someone suggested, you could start with banning electronics from your bedroom.
> 
> It really isn't good for either of you to be so offended by your partner seeing a partially nude form of the opposite sex briefly, and in context (ie: in a commercial, movie, etc.). If you don't want to see something, look away. Controlling each other rarely has a positive impact on a marriage.
> 
> ...


She isn't talking about them seeing a partially clad man or woman in an ad, but regular intentional porn use. Appropriate jealousy is a good emotion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Annizka said:


> Yes I can’t help but blame myself. Like I’m not good enough. Men are visual creatures, fair enough, but uwhy is he not satisfied with me it seems and needs to see these other girls?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Its only natural that you feel hurt and betrayed by his porn use. After all, it is a form of cheating. One woman I knew said that she would have preferred that her husband had one real affair rather than lusting after thousands of women on line. At least, she said, I would only have had one women to compete with instead of thousands. That was just so sad. 

I have been through a lot in life, and as I have got older I have developed far stronger self esteem. I would not put up with a man watching porn before he had sex with me, or looking at porn at all. 
He would be free to do it, but not while married to me. Why would I want to be with a man who was so disrespectful and unloving as to do this? Who did something that he knew upset me and risked our marriage? 

As you say he does seem to have double standards. I wonder what he would say if you suggested that if he carries on watching porn, then you are going to do the same and watch naked men in porn. You dont need to do it of course, but his reaction would be telling.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Annizka said:


> He changes the TV channel when the commercial for men’s underwear comes on because he feels uncomfortable with me seeing it. Yet here he is possibly (although I have a feeling he is for certain) viewing porn and looking at other naked women.


 It kind of sounds like the Madonna/W*hore Complex (I really don't want my comment to be half-asterisked out by the swear filter when I'm trying to make a valid point).


Some men can no longer view their wives as a sexual being once they've become a mother, and not surprisingly, you had a child within the last couple of years.


If he actually has to change the channel just so you're not offended by men in their underwear, then that shows how over the top this situation really is. He's got you up on this 'mom' pedestal and likely doesn't even *see *you as a sexual being anymore. So now, he has to look at the 'dirty' women in porn in order to get aroused to have sex with you.

Definitely something to consider.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Annizka said:


> At the end of the day, I don’t want an excuse to why he’s watching it.


You honestly have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him *100%* completely stopping for the rest of his natural life.

I'm just being honest.

Oh, he'll lie and _*tell*_ you that he doesn't watch it anymore, but he still will. He'll just get A LOT sneakier about it and make sure to cover his tracks much better so that you don't know.

But the truth is, you can't control his behavior like he's a 3 year old child by telling he has to stop. You can ask, you can set down boundaries that you'll no longer tolerate it, but you can't 'make' anyone stop doing anything *if they really don't want to*. They'll just find another way to do it, is all.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> I think everything starts with a non-judgmental conversation asking him not to stop watching porn, but rather ask why he seems to need to watch porn to get aroused enough for the two of you to have sex. Don't make this about him. Don't make it about you. Make it about "us." Try and get everything out on the table, without being defensive. It sounds like that may be very tough for you. But, assuming it's the case, let him know that yes, you're happy that he isn't having an affair to meet the sexual needs he isn't getting through your marriage, but there's still damage being done.
> 
> As for the websites he's viewing, there are ways to filter allowable websites through your router, and some routers can give you a list of websites viewed. But... if he's truly addicted to porn, you'd probably rather have him fueling that addiction at home rather than elsewhere.
> 
> *Your comment about taking the phone into the bathroom for a long time made me laugh.*


*Sounds like a precocious 12-13 year old!*


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Lotsa angles already addressed, so I won't rehash.

I would suggest, maybe, get his testosterone checked.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It kind of sounds like the Madonna/W*hore Complex (I really don't want my comment to be half-asterisked out by the swear filter when I'm trying to make a valid point).
> 
> 
> Some men can no longer view their wives as a sexual being once they've become a mother, and not surprisingly, you had a child within the last couple of years.
> ...


I doubt he changes the channel due to her being offended, but due to him not wanting her to see it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Leave a pornographic magazine on your bed, or a phone laptop or tablet etc with porn in the screen. Hide yourself from view until he looks at it, then initiate your ambush.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You honestly have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him *100%* completely stopping for the rest of his natural life.
> 
> I'm just being honest.
> 
> ...


People do stop porn use, just as they stop drug taking or smoking or drinking or over eating. 
You can also give them a choice, what is more important, the porn or the family. If he doesn't stop then there is his answer.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Annizka said:


> If I find out for sure, 100%, I will let him know that he needs to stop watching it, how it makes me feel, and that we can work on this together. But if he doesn’t want to stop, then I will leave.
> 
> Yes I am ready for the truth. This is something that is affecting our life, him not being as intimate, possibly needing porn to get in the mood to get intimate with me. I feel at this point, next in line compared to the girls he’s watching online. Like he prefers them.
> 
> ...


If you can get into his phone to set up a bluetooth speaker, then why can't you just look on his phone for porn and cut to the chase?

How would I feel? A woman masturbating has always been a turn on for me, so just the fact that she was doing it would be arousing. I'd also be really happy about the fact that she was horny, and had an active sex drive. The looking at porn part... I would want her to stop. A big part of sex and arousal for women is mental, so I would look into how I could make our relationship more arousing for her.

But in your case, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. It just sounds like your husband is addicted to porn. He's become lazy. All he has to do is look at a screen for a few seconds and get aroused. While real sex requires effort.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You honestly have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him *100%* completely stopping for the rest of his natural life.
> 
> I'm just being honest.
> 
> ...


That's not really true. If he loves and cares about her, and she's sexually receptive to him, then I see no reason why he wouldn't cut porn out of his life. 

I am of course speaking from my own perspective, but if he doesn't value his wife and their sexual relationship above a fantasy pornographic experience, then he has mental health problems.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Annizka said:


> Yes I can’t help but blame myself. Like I’m not good enough. Men are visual creatures, fair enough, but uwhy is he not satisfied with me it seems and needs to see these other girls?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


As to the last question, most men have not been faced with this as a reality and really don’t know how they would feel. 

But in my experience, and I discussed this in another thread recently, men absolutely do not want to see or know that we are watching porn. If they do see it, they freak out.

This would not be true for some men just as some women also honestly don’t care if their man watches it. But for the most part, men get extremely insecure if this happens to them. They would much rather believe that their woman would never do such a thing, much less be wanking to it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You will get lots of answers to this. 

For me, I know my wife sometimes masturbates with a vibrator, and may be watching porn when she does so. Neither of those in itself bothers me in the slightest (no matter what sort of porn she was watching) but since our sex life is very limited by her, it does bother me that there are likely times when she turns me down, but takes care of her self. (btw, for those that know my long story, I don't think my wife is regularly turning me down and masturbating, but I think it does happen)

In general I think porn is fine, but if it *replaces* intimacy with a partner, that becomes a very big issue. That seems to be the situation you are in. Maybe you can discuss it with him on that basis. 




Annizka said:


> Y
> SNIP
> My God he’d be so livid if he found out I was watching other men online and masturbating to them. Then why does he think he can look at naked women online? Him being more visual doesn’t excuse it.
> 
> Which brings me to ask this to the men here: how would you feel if you knew your partner was looking at men online and masturbating to them? I’m curious.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If you were to find out that he's watching porn, what is your plan to deal with this?


Or, @Annizka, what happens if you find he isn't watching porn? What is you plan for dealing with that?


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Its only natural that you feel hurt and betrayed by his porn use. After all, it is a form of cheating. One woman I knew said that she would have preferred that her husband had one real affair rather than lusting after thousands of women on line. At least, she said, I would only have had one women to compete with instead of thousands. That was just so sad.
> 
> I have been through a lot in life, and as I have got older I have developed far stronger self esteem. I would not put up with a man watching porn before he had sex with me, or looking at porn at all.
> He would be free to do it, but not while married to me. Why would I want to be with a man who was so disrespectful and unloving as to do this? Who did something that he knew upset me and risked our


Wow. That is sad. It’s kind of how I feel. I see him as choosing to be intimate with them rather than me, leaving me behind yet another night. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> It kind of sounds like the Madonna/W*hore Complex (I really don't want my comment to be half-asterisked out by the swear filter when I'm trying to make a valid point).
> 
> Some men can no longer view their wives as a sexual being once they've become a mother, and not surprisingly, you had a child within the last couple of years.
> 
> ...


Interesting view point. I appreciate that. But he was watching porn even before I became a mother. We were a few months into the marriage when I found out. I didn’t say anything then because I didn’t want to start drama at the start of the marriage. I should have spoken up then when I had the proof. 

As for the changing of channel when the underwear commercial comes on, he changes the channel not because he’s afraid I’ll be offended. He just doesn’t want me to see good looking half naked men on TV. 




Personal said:


> Leave a pornographic magazine on your bed, or a phone laptop or tablet etc with porn in the screen. Hide yourself from view until he looks at it, then initiate your ambush.


I gotta admit this thought came to my mind. See what his reaction would be. Then tell him the title of the video he watched that popped up on the Bluetooth. Obviously approaching it this way wouldn’t be good, but I was just fantasizing about it when I feel angry about this situation. 




BioFury said:


> If you can get into his phone to set up a bluetooth speaker, then why can't you just look on his phone for porn and cut to the chase


I think he probably deletes his history. So it will be of no use. 



MattMatt said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > If you were to find out that he's watching porn, what is your plan to deal with this?
> ...


If he isn’t watching porn, then we will need to both sit down and figure out what’s happening, why this decreased intimacy between us, what we can do to make our marriage stronger and make us closer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Annizka said:


> Wow. That is sad. It’s kind of how I feel. I see him as choosing to be intimate with them rather than me, leaving me behind yet another night.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Which is why I think counselling might help.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Annizka said:


> Which brings me to ask this to the men here: how would you feel if you knew your partner was looking at men online and masturbating to them? I’m curious.


It has never bothered me at all with any of my sexual partners. Since I think nudity, erotica, pornography and masturbation are all good things.

Likewise some men are really hot and looking at still or moving pictures of them, being sexual or having sex can be exciting as well. So given that it's natural to get turned on by such things, I think it's great that lots of women and men have fun masturbating to it.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> As for the changing of channel when the underwear commercial comes on, he changes the channel not because he’s afraid I’ll be offended. He just doesn’t want me to see good looking half naked men on TV.


Then he is a hypocrite.

But let me ask you, if you see good looking half-naked men, does your husband “compete” with them in your mind?

I understand that you see those videos and think he’s looking at those women because they look better than you. In all likelihood, he’s watching out of habit (he’s done this all his life), it’s quicker and easier than you, and he’s watching fetishes (old women, DP, interracial, whatever). I’m not saying it’s okay, though.

Sometimes my wife and I watch porn together. I need to pick a scene that she likes, and sometimes she will use her vibrator while watching. I try to pick guys with great bodies and big ***** for her to enjoy. So no, it doesn’t bother me.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Am I missing something here? This man is a control freak. We are circling around porn but here’s what I’ve read.

He changes the channel when men’s underwear commercials come on.

“I don’t wear chiffon blouses or yoga pants” because he doesn’t want other men lusting after you.

What century was he born in?

You have a certified control freak who has locked you up tight out of his insecurity and jealousy, yet he is free to indulge himself? 
I would be LIVID, not trying to tiptoe around him. It’s time you got a bit of righteous indignation about you and started putting your foot down.

He will NOT stop watching porn. We all waste a lot of our time in relationships wishing the other person would not do things.
They do things. It’s up to you to draw the line. Stop snooping around and call out this man-child. You know that he has a history of this.

Love yourself enough to put a stop to this. Be ready to end the relationship if it’s that important to you. Whining about it will not change him.

Seek marital counselling. Preferably with a sex therapist. If he won’t go, give him a choice. He goes, or he can live with his fantasy girls.

Personally I would stop being so hurt about his need for porn before sex and just stop having sex with him. If he asks why, tell him to call his fantasy girls and ask them!

FYI I am NOT against porn, I’ve watched it and would watch it anytime.

This is about CONTROL, which makes my blood boil.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

aquarius1 said:


> Am I missing something here? This man is a control freak. We are circling around porn but here’s what I’ve read.
> 
> He changes the channel when men’s underwear commercials come on.
> 
> ...


QFT


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aquarius1 said:


> Am I missing something here? This man is a control freak. We are circling around porn but here’s what I’ve read.
> 
> He changes the channel when men’s underwear commercials come on.
> 
> ...


Because there's no other reason for him to keep his 'phone glued to him, right?

Well, unless he is a Scrabble junkie like me, that is? 

Or could he is reading messages from someone? Which, to my mind, would potentially be more of a problem than porn.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> She isn't talking about them seeing a partially clad man or woman in an ad, but regular intentional porn use. Appropriate jealousy is a good emotion.


She mentioned his changing the channel when a male underwear model comes on, which is absurd. It's not jealousy, it's control. Getting jealous over a tv ad, or a movie star (even porn) of the opposite sex is not a good emotion. I could understand feeling jealous if he/she was talking to someone of the opposite sex in more than a casual way (ie: flirting, or excluding their partner from the conversation).


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Annizka said:


> Which brings me to ask this to the men here: how would you feel if you knew your partner was looking at men online and masturbating to them? I’m curious.


My husband (of 20+ years) wouldn't care because he knows whose bed I will be sleeping in, and that he will benefit from my arousal. He has walked in while I was watching porn and asked if it was any good. I have never felt like porn was intruding on our intimacy, and neither has he (I just asked). However, my ex, he made me feel guilty if I so much as glanced at another man. (One of the many reasons he is an ex.) 

If the two of you have not had a very candid discussion about what constitutes inappropriate behavior in your relationship, now would be a good time. Some people have no issue with porn, and some consider it cheating. There is no right answer as it is a matter of personal preference. Unless you have told him "No porn/staring at women" he may not see anything wrong with it. Yes, some people have to be told explicitly what is considered inappropriate. Not because they are clueless, but more because they exploit loopholes (ie: "You never told me it bothered you") If he knows it bothers you, and still does it, you have an entirely different problem on your hands.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've mentioned before the cultural aspects of your marriage. Is his double standard about what you can do versus what he can do part of the culture?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

You could try a semen detection kit:


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

Annizka said:


> And if he does need porn as a stimulus, doesn’t it mean I’m not enough? I don’t lay there stiff like a starfish. I engage with him and show him I want him. But knowing that he does have a habit of watching porn, I feel like I’m failing.


Hello, Annizka - 

I am in a very similar situation to your own. I am like your husband, and my wife is like you. While she hates the porn, it is still tempting to me and in the back of my mind throughout the day. I limit it severely, having tried to quite numerous times, but eventually I return to it. Your husband and I find it stimulating, easy, cheap, and pleasurable. He may be like me - unable/unwilling to stop. Confronting him will likely lead to him being even more secretive about it, which is my situation. I am trying to impress upon you the magnitude of the situation, how ingrained and habit-forming it is, how it is an easy solution to men's high sex drive. If you divorce this man over porn, how do you know that the next man is not doing it in secret? Porn is prolific, and almost every man has looked. 

Your husband's porn usage doesn't mean that you are "not enough" or that you are "failing." It means that your husband has a porn addiction or habit, depending on how you look at it. Many men would like to orgasm every day, but they may look as porn instead if their partner is not interested or unavailable. I view porn as a cheap substitute for real sex, preferring the latter. Your husband likely thinks that you are a fine wife and lover, but he also has developed a porn habit, likely been there for decades, likely never to vanish completely. 

You and your husband need to engage in more sex with each other. Perhaps having at least one date night per week can help cultivate more romance in this area. 

I wish you well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Annizka said:


> Yes I can’t help but blame myself. Like I’m not good enough. Men are visual creatures, fair enough, but uwhy is he not satisfied with me it seems and needs to see these other girls?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm not approving Hs approach to lessening his attention to you if related to porn, and it may be. 

Giving him an ultimatum the first in depth conversation you have with him may cause him to react to the ultimatum and not address the communication challenges between you two. 

According to your desired way to handle all this, perhaps you may feel like giving H an ultimatum later, after you've had some conversations where you're sure he understands the problems, that will be a different and perhaps more fruitful, certainly more "full" context. 

Hell know how important the lack of intimacy with you is to you and if it still comes to an ultimatum at least you'll be able to look back and say you gave the whole issue a chance for positive outcome.

It's best to make the problems the focus and not an abrupt interaction with such far reaching effects as creating a hostile interaction that may result in a knee jerk reaction to the tone of voice right then.

Hs knee jerk reaction may not be what you're expecting. He won't be choosing porn or even choosing to not constructively improve intimacy, he may just refuse to be cowered.

🙂🙂 keep in mind, from your posts, this common lack of intimacy isn't your fault, certainly both may be contributing. It's rarely just one though, just something to think about. 

I believe you two will work through this and be stronger!


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

I've only skimmed your other threads, but it seems that your husband was unemployed and feeling aimless/hopeless, expressed an unwillingness to return to work because he couldn't handle being employed by someone. He also has a diminished libido and issues with ED over the last year and a half and is struggling to connect with you emotionally.

Is it possible that he is simply very overwhelmed/depressed and is turning to regular use of porn because it's something highly stimulating and nothing less vivid is making him feel anything?

Whatever is driving a wedge between the two of you physically, I doubt that laying a trap to catch him watching porn is going to do anything other than alienate him further. He may need to talk to someone, and perhaps it would be best to approach it by talking to him about any pressure he may feel like he's under.

I get the impression the control issues go both ways here and contribute to whatever is going on, but he's seemingly also deeply insecure about _his_ ability to be enough for _you_. These sound like little vignettes of somebody having a really hard time.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Because there's no other reason for him to keep his 'phone glued to him, right?


The meme site I frequent is pretty addicting. So much so that there's a running joke about losing feeling in your legs from sitting on the pot for too long while browsing memes. But, this guy must be watching porn in the john.

The thing that I find most concerning about this thread is that he puts down his phone to pay attention to his wife when she comes to bed, so he must be using porn - but she just can't prove it yet.

He initiates sex when she comes to bed, but he's not interested in sex the way he used to be.

There seems to be an assumption that if asked he'll just lie about it. 

It all depends on how you see it, I guess, but it seems like he's been convicted already on pretty flimsy evidence.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> The meme site I frequent is pretty addicting. So much so that there's a running joke about losing feeling in your legs from sitting on the pot for too long while browsing memes. But, this guy must be watching porn in the john.
> 
> The thing that I find most concerning about this thread is that he puts down his phone to pay attention to his wife when she comes to bed, so he must be using porn - but she just can't prove it yet.
> 
> ...


Damn. OK. This sounds wrong but I take my phone into the WC with me so, during a long visit, I can play Scrabble. 

I disinfect my phone, obviously!


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

To answer a few questions:
I have written about my husband being distant and his ED before. And how he’d be so quiet and not engage much with me many months ago. I think overall, since then to now, especially having a baby, we have had stressful times and gotten into arguments and yelled like we never did before. But overall, as far as engaging with each other, I feel like we are closer and more comfortable now, although sometimes there will still be days where he seems off. But as fas as sex goes, it’s lacking. My husband is working, and thankfully that stressful part is resolved. I don’t think he is depressed. He doesn’t act live it. Although I’m not sure if every epressed person “acts” a certain way? 

Yes, we come from a different, more conservative culture. And porn is just not ok, and the excuse that men are more visual doesn’t matter. 

As Diana7 said, how could a man (or a woman) live with themselves doing something that they know would upset or hurt their partner? In my case, my husband knows porn is not ok with me, and I know he definitely doesn’t want me watching it, much less a half naked man in a commercial? 

Then again, I’m not 100% sure he is watching porn, although his actions makes me seem suspicious. 
Another thing that I just remembered that makes me think he’s looking at inappropriate things, is that I accidentally found a deleted image on his computer of a woman clearly from a porn video but is edited in a way to be funny. This wasn’t that long ago. Also he asks me to send emails from his account to people like the renting agent. A while after I saw that, I saw he had sent himself that image. So he deleted it from his computer, but sent it to himself. 

The more I’m writing here, the more I see clearly. This is something that needs to be addressed with him soon. Also, since I don’t know for sure 100% that he still watches it, I shouldn’t open the subject accusing him of anything as another one suggested. 

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Annizka said:


> The more I’m writing here, the more I see clearly. This is something that needs to be addressed with him soon. Also, since I don’t know for sure 100% that he still watches it, I shouldn’t open the subject accusing him of anything as another one suggested.


Writing down thoughts can help bring clarity, but there are many persuasive points in this thread that may have nothing at all to do with your marriage. Having discussions with your husband will improve both your communication and intimacy, but realize that communication is a process - not an event. On any given night you may make no progress at all, which can be frustrating. Communication means not only making your self heard, but actively listening to what he has to say - not just listening for what you want to hear.

Keep in mind that the goal is to communicate over time, which means making time to communicate when neither of you are distracted by other things. Organic communication comes in little steps, giving your partner time to form his thoughts and reply in a way that allows him to express himself. Some of us can't do that "under pressure". When my wife says, "we need to talk", I listen but it takes me time to formulate my answers. Sometimes I even need to sleep on the questions. Give it time.

Also, keep in mind that there are a lot of ways to communicate. When you hold his hand, you are communicating a desire to be connected. When you are receptive to his sexual advances without judging the circumstances, you are showing him that his needs matter to you. Once you have established the framework in which you can begin to ask the tough questions, you will get results that are not possible when one person feels ambushed or put on the spot.

Best to you both


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@Annizka,

I'm coming from the place of being married to a man who has repeatedly kept sexual secrets from me: withheld sex from me from the earliest days of our marriage while he took care of business in the bathroom (this was before smart phones internet), once we had smart phones and the internet he watched porn and erased it after I looked at his history, several years later he had an affair, went back to porn when the affair ended, and who knows what else since then. Each time he gaslit me, then when faced with the enormity of what he did, he said he regretted it and wouldn't do it again. I believed him and thought we were starting a new, honest marriage.

I have no idea what he does in secret anymore, because he has learned better how to cover his tracks.

Now we're in our 29th year of marriage, 4 children later, and I don't trust a word he says and we're probably headed for divorce after separating first to "work on ourselves." LOL

You said he used porn before and he sent the photos to himself. Did he lead you to believe he stopped all porn use after that?

IMO, first you need to find out what he is actually hiding when he quickly puts down the phone. It could be that he plays games, or whatever, and when you come to bed he wants to be with you. It could be that he is watching porn. Those are two completely different things, and you have to know before you talk with him.

Do the router thing, and get up after he goes to sleep and check the sites, using the router or whatever means people here say you can use to find out what he is looking at. Don't just check once, check several times until you are satisfied he is only playing games, checking is favorite team's scores, checking on how his stocks are doing, or watching porn.

If he is hiding porn use, you need to decide how many times you are going to accept his deception. My suggestion after my own experience, since you've already dealt with this once, you need to decide and uphold your boundary of one (more) strike, you are out.

You don't want to be suffering 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years later with the same thing, but with several children who also had to suffer in an unhappy household because dad was a sneaky porn user, and liar in other ways too, and mom was an unhappy woman trying to cope with the constant deception.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your husband will probably never stop sneaking, if that is what he is doing. It is his way of escaping his own frustrations and stress. He is used to escaping rather than talking openly.

I hope he isn't looking at porn, but is just addicted to his phone and how quickly he can access his favorite mental hobbies.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

No disrespect to the OP or her valid feelings, but we might be reading this dynamic wrong because we're only hearing one side of it. OP, there's a two year post history about you being on a mission to prove his porn use. You've also expressed concern about him participating in martial arts because some of the people he trains against are female and the physical contact is distressing for you. Is it possible that you're simply much more conservative/strict than he is, that he doesn't feel that he can be honest with you, and that he's perhaps turning off the underwear ads because he also believes those will upset you?

It's hardly unknown for a man to settle down with a traditional woman expecting it to be the recipe for a happy home, only to find out that he can't be himself at home and that it's massively frustrating and alienating to have to walk on eggshells to keep his wife calm. I've been there - not about porn and sex, but household issues - and know how stressful it has been worrying about what unexpected thing might be upsetting for my wife. It would certainly explain the issues you're feeling with a distance forming between you. 

I'm not saying this _is_ what's happening, I'm just asking if you have considered this and think it might be a possibility.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Your going to drive yourself crazy looking for it and your going to not only make yourself paranoid, but your going to accidentally turn yourself against your husband. 

I think you should address the intimacy issue with him and work on that. And whenever you see suspicious behavior address it as you see it and bluntly.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is always the question to what extent someone should change their behavior if it bothers their spouse, but does not directly hurt them. 

Can a woman tell her husband not to watch porn because it bothers her - if its not affecting their sex life? (If it is affecting it, which sounds like the case here, that is a different issue because there is an impact)

Can a man tell his wife not to read romance novels because he thinks the male characters create an unrealistic standard of men?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

uhtred said:


> There is always the question to what extent someone should change their behavior if it bothers their spouse, but does not directly hurt them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I think there are consequences for your actions. Of course we can’t tell people what to do. But we can make boundaries.

Yes your allowed to do whatever you want. You want to cheat on me? Go ahead, but we will break up. You want to be disrespectful? Go for if, we will see how I react. You can’t control other people, all you can do it be specific about what you can and can’t tolerate.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Agreed - but I think people should think carefully about where they draw lines.

Feeling "controlled' can generate feelings of resentment which might not be enough to make someone leave, but which can chip away at feelings of love. Of course behavior one person finds offensive can do the same. 






Girl_power said:


> I think there are consequences for your actions. Of course we can’t tell people what to do. But we can make boundaries.
> 
> Yes your allowed to do whatever you want. You want to cheat on me? Go ahead, but we will break up. You want to be disrespectful? Go for if, we will see how I react. You can’t control other people, all you can do it be specific about what you can and can’t tolerate.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> There is always the question to what extent someone should change their behavior if it bothers their spouse, but does not directly hurt them.
> 
> Can a woman tell her husband not to watch porn because it bothers her - if its not affecting their sex life? (If it is affecting it, which sounds like the case here, that is a different issue because there is an impact)
> 
> Can a man tell his wife not to read romance novels because he thinks the male characters create an unrealistic standard of men?


 I dont see it as 'telling' someone anything. Firstly its about marrying someone who shares your views about something so important, secondly its about saying to them, you are free to be a porn user or take drugs or drink too much or whatever it is, but its not going to be with me. Discussing each other boundaries before marriage is vital. 
If my husband asked me not to do something that he was very unhappy about, I would not do it. Why would I? He is my husband and I love and respect him. 

BTW porn use will always affect a couples sex life in many ways.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Agreed - but I think people should think carefully about where they draw lines.
> 
> 
> 
> Feeling "controlled' can generate feelings of resentment which might not be enough to make someone leave, but which can chip away at feelings of love. Of course behavior one person finds offensive can do the same.




I agree with you. It’s a difficult balance. I notice some people are so go with the flow and don’t get bothered by anything and others are super controlling and need their SO to have specific behaviors and blah blah. It’s hard because you can’t help what you don’t like. And especially if you have strong feelings towards something.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MODERATOR WARNING:

Stop with the thread jack. If you want to discuss the rightness or wrongness of watching porn, start a thread on the topic.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Annizka said:


> The more I’m writing here, the more I see clearly. This is something that needs to be addressed with him soon. Also, since I don’t know for sure 100% that he still watches it, I shouldn’t open the subject accusing him of anything as another one suggested.
> 
> Sorry my thoughts are all over the place


If you had to choose between one of the two things:



Knowing 100% that your husband does or does not watch porn
Being able to communicate openly and honestly about this topic in your marriage

Which one of those would you choose? From everything I had read and research, it is lying about porn that is more harmful in most relationships as opposed to the porn itself. If your husband enjoys self gratification, you may find it more helpful to ask him if there is a way you can help him do that in such a way that is not a hurtful toward the marriage. This in turn may help bring him closer to you and demonstrate that you care about his sexual wellbeing that is not so confrontational. In turn he may open up about his struggles and become more trusting to share that part of himself with you. Spying on your husband to determine that he is 100% lying to you and then bringing down the hammer and judging him for that.... does that really demonstrate you care about the marriage and want to heal or is it a way for you to validate your anger for him lying and punish him?

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If you had to choose between one of the two things:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This may or may not be applicable here. I'm not saying either way, but I will say that I'd be a lot quicker to see it as applicable if the porn use was _in addition to_ rather than _in place of_ their sex life together.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

OpenDNS VIP by Cisco is a $20 per year service that would allow you to see any internet search on your home wifi router (not cellular 4G). Unless you're good with logging onto your router, you might have to pay Geek Squad to come set it up and show you how to see the logs. I think you have a right to know.

Many, many men are waking up to the fact that porn hurts men, marriage, women, and children. Walk into any Catholic Church and you can find help resources. "Promise Keepers" is one such resource.

I hope you find out and get him help.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ed3n said:


> OP,* just because he watches porn in no way implies that you are not enough.* Men enjoy visual stimuli to get aroused. Porn generally has nothing to do with the partner. It is a means to an end, and not a replacement. If you are an active participant in your sex life I highly doubt your husband prefers porn over you. With that said, *porn can be problematic for some*. If he needs to watch porn to achieve an erection, there is a problem. Only he can tell you whether or not that is the case. As for fixing the situation, as someone suggested, you could start with banning electronics from your bedroom.
> 
> *It really isn't good for either of you to be so offended by your partner seeing a partially nude form of the opposite sex briefly,* and in context (ie: in a commercial, movie, etc.). If you don't want to see something, look away. Controlling each other rarely has a positive impact on a marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

One hard lesson I learned in dealing with my LD W, was that I can not change her behavior, all I can do is change the way I treat her, reinforce any positive changes in behavior she makes, AND make her feel loved and cherished to the point that she may want to change the way she behaves toward me. Only your spouse can change themselves. You can't force them to change.

I wish the OP good luck.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Thanks for the replies everyone. It really helps to get other points of view. 

I’m using my phone to reply here so it’s a bit hard to quote each post and reply to it one post. So I will write down my responses here:

A_mister. I appreciate you taking time to look through my other threads to get a clearer picture. However, I would say my husband is more traditional/conservative than I am. I am raised in the west. I was wearing what I want, doing what I want before I married him. After marrying him, he wasn’t comfortable with me having male friends on my social media, he didn’t want me wearing certain things, and he wouldn’t take me to certain places, even when he was with me, because he’d say men there keep looking at me so we stopped going to those places. I obliged because these made him uncomfortable and I swear that I didn’t challenge him on it. He on the other hand, has some female friends on his social media, trained with other females as in wrestling with them on the floor (although now he has stopped doing bjj for a while), and watches (can’t be certain about now, so I’ll say watched) porn on multiple occasions. 

If you didn’t notice a pattern in my previous posts, I have major problems with confrontation. I avoid them at all costs, although now I’d say I am getting better at it after two years of marriage. 

So I never told him I don’t want him training with other girls even though it did make me uncomfortable. I did ask him I’d like to see him training sometime. He’d say yes but it never happened. 
I never addressed why he had female friends, because although it’s annoying he told me I couldn’t have male friends, I didn’t see much of an issue with that. I didn’t even confront him when I caught him watching porn a few months into the marriage because I didn’t want to cause drama in a new marriage. It’s to that point that I avoided confrontation, even when the proof was staring at me in my face. 

One thing though that I stood my ground on about something I was uncomfortable with he wanted me to do was when his ex of 6 years tried to add me a few months into the marriage, and he was very bothered with me for not accepting her. I told him point blank that I will not be adding her, that I don’t want her on my friends list, and that was that. 

So it’s not that I am making issues with him about everything. On the contrary, I feel like I am no speaking up enough. I always have a fear of maybe what I’m feeling is irrational, or that I’m being over dramatic. And I have a fear of making things worse between us or driving him away. 

I guess I wanted to catch him watching porn now was to see if he is still watching it, and to tell him I am uncomfortable with that and he needs to stop and I can help him get over this possible addiction. I just felt like he’d deny watching it because of embarrassment if I didn’t have proof. If I found out he wasn’t watching porn, then obviously there is another issue for this lack of intimacy. So I’d bring up the topic from trying to find out why this was happening. 

Badsanta - If he is being honest with me about if he is watching or isn’t watching porn, and explain his suspicious behaviors, and why this lack of intimacy, then I’d choose the second option, especially since it would have a better result at resolving the issue, compared to me just finding out 100% he’s watching it or not and that’s it. 

Thank you all for your advice. Even if I didn’t reply to you directly, I am making mental notes of everything you are telling me.


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## Johan S. (Sep 18, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> I think everything starts with a non-judgmental conversation asking him not to stop watching porn, but rather ask why he seems to need to watch porn to get aroused enough for the two of you to have sex. Don't make this about him. Don't make it about you. Make it about "us." Try and get everything out on the table, without being defensive. It sounds like that may be very tough for you. But, assuming it's the case, let him know that yes, you're happy that he isn't having an affair to meet the sexual needs he isn't getting through your marriage, but there's still damage being done.
> 
> As for the websites he's viewing, there are ways to filter allowable websites through your router, and some routers can give you a list of websites viewed. But... if he's truly addicted to porn, you'd probably rather have him fueling that addiction at home rather than elsewhere.
> 
> Your comment about taking the phone into the bathroom for a long time made me laugh. That's where I sometimes view TAM.


I agree, I don't see how "catching" your husband is gonna get you any closer to a real solution. He obviously isn't gonna stop doing it if you catch him, punish him, shame him etc. I understand you don't like that he's watching porn but you have to find a way to get back closer together instead of keeping scores on who's the bad partner.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Annizka said:


> Badsanta - If he is being honest with me about if he is watching or isn’t watching porn, and explain his suspicious behaviors, and why this lack of intimacy, then I’d choose the second option, especially since it would have a better result at resolving the issue, compared to me just finding out 100% he’s watching it or not and that’s it.


When I struggled with problems in my own marriage, I came to the conclusion that trust and communication are perhaps the most important things in a marital relationship. I also concluded that when one has to pick and choose which battles to fight in a marriage, that in my opinion it is best to fight for improving trust and communication even if it means setting aside and sacrificing other battles to do so. 

When I had problems about hiding my behaviors associated with porn from my wife, I began researching "why porn is OK" in the event I ever had to defend myself when she caught me. In that process I learned that the damage done by lying and hiding porn is way more harmful that the porn itself, that was my eureka moment. It was what I needed to come clean to my wife about my behaviors and ask her if she could help me work through those things. In doing so she shared with me her views on porn and why it bothered her. In my marriage it also turned out that my wife and I had very opposing views on masturbation (I think it is healthy and my wife does not), and the topic of porn obscured that we needed to work on reconciling and/or learning to better respect each other's stance's on self love. 

It is so EASY to just not talk about it and hide it. If you can choose your battles and get your husband to open up, you stand so much to gain in your relationship. Does it mean if he watches porn that he will stop? Realistically it means he can learn to be more mindful and respectful of the things that hurt you when he needs to engage in self love. Ultimately he may learn to be vulnerable and be less selfish with that part of himself and share that part of himself with you, but just keep in mind that it may not be about sex. It may be about his need to self sooth and escape from the everyday pain and struggles in life. Ideally sexual intimacy between a couple can do that too, but it is important to realize that is what intimacy is accomplishing. Soothing your partner and having your partner profess his love and desire for you work very differently in my opinion. 

I would talk to your husband and tell him your suspicions but at the same time let him see you not get upset and instead ask as a couple that you work on trust and communication. Tell him it is not easy for you to feel angry at him based on suspicions and that you would prefer that he just be open and honest so that you two can try to work through things in a loving and caring way. 

Easier said than done! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> People do stop porn use, just as they stop drug taking or smoking or drinking or over eating.
> You can also give them a choice, what is more important, the porn or the family. If he doesn't stop then there is his answer.


You're talking about ADDICTIONS and people overcoming them.

Everyone who watches porn is *NOT* an addict. Therefore, my post is *relevant* with respect to the fact that if someone wants to do something even though they're being told they can't, they'll continue doing it anyway - while swearing they've stopped. And that's likely what her husband will do - blow sunshine up her butt claiming he's stopped looking at porn but has just found another way to do it that she doesn't know about, is all.

He's not an addict. The OP has said nothing about him being 'diagnosed' as _anything_. So the addict argument doesn't even apply here.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're talking about ADDICTIONS and people overcoming them.
> 
> Everyone who watches porn is *NOT* an addict. Therefore, my post is *relevant* with respect to the fact that if someone wants to do something even though they're being told they can't, they'll continue doing it anyway - while swearing they've stopped. And that's likely what her husband will do - blow sunshine up her butt claiming he's stopped looking at porn but has just found another way to do it that she doesn't know about, is all.
> 
> He's not an addict. The OP has said nothing about him being 'diagnosed' as _anything_. So the addict argument doesn't even apply here.




Whether or not it’s an addiction doesn’t change the fact that it’s causing problems in the marriage. Which means it is a problem if it’s affecting other people. He is acting sketchy and secretive which is not good in marriage. He is making his wife Paranoid by denying things, and turning his phone over and all these things. That is not ok In creating a safe and Intimate relationship.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

Annizka said:


> A_mister. I appreciate you taking time to look through my other threads to get a clearer picture. However, I would say my husband is more traditional/conservative than I am. I am raised in the west. I was wearing what I want, doing what I want before I married him. After marrying him, he wasn’t comfortable with me having male friends on my social media, he didn’t want me wearing certain things, and he wouldn’t take me to certain places, even when he was with me, because he’d say men there keep looking at me so we stopped going to those places. I obliged because these made him uncomfortable and I swear that I didn’t challenge him on it. He on the other hand, has some female friends on his social media, trained with other females as in wrestling with them on the floor (although now he has stopped doing bjj for a while), and watches (can’t be certain about now, so I’ll say watched) porn on multiple occasions.
> 
> If you didn’t notice a pattern in my previous posts, I have major problems with confrontation. I avoid them at all costs, although now I’d say I am getting better at it after two years of marriage. ... So it’s not that I am making issues with him about everything. On the contrary, I feel like I am no speaking up enough. I always have a fear of maybe what I’m feeling is irrational, or that I’m being over dramatic. And I have a fear of making things worse between us or driving him away.
> 
> I guess I wanted to catch him watching porn now was to see if he is still watching it, and to tell him I am uncomfortable with that and he needs to stop and I can help him get over this possible addiction. I just felt like he’d deny watching it because of embarrassment if I didn’t have proof. If I found out he wasn’t watching porn, then obviously there is another issue for this lack of intimacy. So I’d bring up the topic from trying to find out why this was happening.


Well, thank you for considering the possibility. I'm sorry that it doesn't shed any light on the issue because clearly there's a puzzle here about what it is that's driving a wedge between you two sexually and why he's hiding this, which is also why I brought up depression. It's also interesting that he's given up BJJ. Is he exercising and staying active? Does he have social outlets where he can be with male friends and have an opportunity to start missing you, etc?

...and as has been said, regardless of the merits of pornography, it's a reach to jump to the assumption that he's dealing with an "addiction". Lots of people enjoy a cocktail. Some are alcoholics. Most people who enjoy cocktails are not, and can find the subset of people who are loudly opposed to all alcohol consumption very difficult. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that this is the _cause_ of the lack of intimacy, although both issues may have the same root cause, and as has also been said, I definitely wouldn't jump to the conclusion that spying on him so that you can make a provable accusation is going to solve it. It may just compound whatever is going on.

I realize this is a sensitive issue, but nearly all straight men fantasize about various women and masturbate to it, at least once in a while, whether they're looking at images or making it up in their heads. It's completely ordinary behavior, it is certainly not a reflection on his interest in you or an indication that he's actually going to stray, and it's a common source of growing frustration and resentment for men when they feel like their wife has turned into the Libido Police and they have to pretend to be something they are not. He may be just as upset as you are in some ways and equally unsure of what to do, maybe he actually needs more open lines of communication rather than to be feeling more restricted?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MODERATOR WARNING

I'm watching ANOTHER threadjack ensue. Stop it or I will ban you for *a month*. No more warnings.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> :iagree:
> 
> One hard lesson I learned in dealing with my LD W, was that I can not change her behavior, all I can do is change the way I treat her, reinforce any positive changes in behavior she makes, AND make her feel loved and cherished to the point that she may want to change the way she behaves toward me. Only your spouse can change themselves. You can't force them to change.
> 
> I wish the OP good luck.


Excellent point. Supporting your partner goes a long way towards making positive changes, and a happy home life. Keep up the positive reinforcement, it will likely benefit you in the years to come. You have a great outlook on how relationships should function.

Unfortunately, when one partner enforces their will on the other, it may lead to change, but it also usually leads to resentment, as well. Many people will become deceitful, and hide the things that their partner dislikes. Unless it is a change that the person has been wanting to make, and lacking the willpower to do so, it is highly unlikely that is will be a positive change.

When it comes to relationships, you do have to pick your battles. Otherwise the home becomes tense, prone to dishonesty, and rarely does anyone feel loved and content in an healthy way. 

We all tend to know someone who isn't living an authentic life, and just wants to "keep the peace" at home. They are miserable living their double life to appease their spouse, or family. It's sad really. It's also a relationship that is likely to be unfulfilling, if it even lasts. Chances are high that it wont, or that it will have a string of affairs, more dishonesty, and become toxic and abusive (physical and mental at the very least).


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

OP, tell your partner that when he hides his phone when you get into bed it makes you suspicious, and insecure. You could stop allowing phones in bed. Ours never leaves the nightstand unless it rings late at night (emergency only). 

Have a serious, but open, conversation you, and he, agree are do's and don't in your relationship. IF there are things that you can both compromise on, then work on agreeing to something that makes your both feel comfortable and secure. 

Beyond that, I cannot offer much advice because we are only getting the minimum facts from your side only. You might want to try self-help books that discuss positive reinforcement and toxic behaviors that you both bring into your marriage, and how to deal with them.

Best of luck.


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