# Very New Marriage Already on the Rocks



## frodo (Jun 8, 2013)

Hi there. 

My story is rather complicated and includes several different matters. I hope you all can be patient with me and bear through it all, because I am desperate for advice.

I have been with my husband for almost three years, and married for the last seven months of it. When we began dating, and through his deployment overseas and throughout our time together, we have been doing wonderfully. That is, until about one year ago, when the slope became slippery and I began sliding.

Almost a year to this day ago, I lost my father to suicide. It was obviously unexpected and very tragic. Initially, losing him was earth shattering--my then-fiance was overseas, and had been as supportive as possible given the circumstances. From the second I got the call, to the day I picked up his final death certificates months later, I was in charge of all the logistics post-suicide, as I was next of kin. I was supported by my family a huge deal, but here's the second wrench---a mere month after he died, I was shipped off to boot camp to begin my military training. 

Boot camp was extremely distressing, seeing as I was already in a state of depression. Following that, I moved to another state to do my job training, which further alienated me from everyone. At this point, I still didn't confide in many people outside of family about my loss, as I was afraid of judgement and being ostracized. 

Then, early this year, my husband and I moved to my permanent duty station. Suddenly, my schedule became somewhat normal again, and we began settling into a routine. My husband began working soon after. Our schedules seldom sync up--he works weekends and later shifts, coming home later in the evening (7pm on...) and I work early in the morning to midafternoon, with weekends off. Needless to say, we dont really see each other often.

With this schedule, I have a lot of alone time, which has translated into extreme grieving time. Anyone who has lost someone to suicide understands that there are a plethora of emotions that follow. For me, the most dominant have been depression, anger, bitterness, and EXTREME guilt. Although it's not rational, I feel that I am responsible for my father's suicide.

Here's why: my dad and I had an extremely rocky relationship. When I was a child, he was either absent or emotionally/mentally abusive. When I was a young teenager and my parents divorced, he became sexually abusive on top of the rest....the events are fuzzy in my memory, and didn't really surface until I was older. Still, I reentered my dad's life when I was in college to help take care of him...he had become disabled, and he essentially guilted me into providing for him. Over the course of a year (or more, hard to remember), I worked and went to school full-time, and supported my father through his financial and physical troubles. It was a toxic relationship, to say the least. There was no longer any sexual abuse. It felt more like an elephant in the room--here I am, taking care of my father, while he refuses to acknowledge that he has damaged me so severely. While I was caring for him, I vividly remember him telling me, "If it weren't for you, I'd kill myself."

Long story short, I ended up transferring to a different university to finish my degree, and our communication ceased. I told my mom (finally) about the abuse, and months later, she confronted my dad about it. He screamed at her, telling her I was a compulsive liar and a drama queen. Our father-daughter relationship, whatever it was, ended permanently from that point forward.

Then, he killed himself last year. And I have been a wreck. All the abandonment issues, the difficulty with closeness, the extreme anxiety about intimacy, all of it has resurfaced, and then some. All my therapy that I had done in the past seemed negated, and although I am restarting therapy again, I feel completely lost.

As a result, I have become emotionally and physically detached from my husband. He is a phenomenal guy, but I am so broken that I cannot maintain our relationship properly. I am not able to be physically intimate at all, I suffer from insomnia, I have frequent anxiety issues, and I cry almost daily, to the point of hysterics. I feel so guilt-ridden, mostly because I feel like I killed my own father, and that I can't nurture my new marriage.

Here's the final detail. Because I am in the military, I am displaced from my family and friends. My job is military police, essentially, so I stand post with usually one or two individuals for nine-ten hours daily. As a result, I have bonded deeply with one particular male officer. He is also married, but has a similar personality to mine, and we have developed a great friendship. I tell my husband about him, and I am completely honest. I have already told him that I am being more emotionally fulfilled by a coworker than by him. Overall, this is one more thing that I feel extremely guilt-ridden over. 

So now, here I am: close to another man (who is not my husband!), rarely seeing my husband at all, depressed whenever I come home (work is a welcome distraction, as I like my job and obviously, my coworkers), and questioning my ability to be in a serious relationship because I feel myself completely detaching. 

I feel like I'm in a fish bowl, where the depression is rapidly paralyzing me. My instinct in the past has been to "run" and leave my relationship, in an attempt to feel less out-of-control and less guilt-ridden.

I know this is a lot, but please, if anyone can offer advice, please let me know.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Don't take this wrong, but I hope as an MP you don't carry a gun.

The fact is you need help. Serious help. And you need it yesterday. You are broken, but the good news is that you can be fixed.

I _strongly_ suggest a few things:

1) Go to the base chaplain and seek advice with respect to being temporarily relieved of all duties. 

2) Seek counseling for all you have told us.

3) Stop all contact with the OM immediately.

4) Reconnect and lean on your "phenomenal" husband.

You have a chance to make things right or continue down this slippery slope to destruction.

Do it.

Now.


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## frodo (Jun 8, 2013)

I carry a weapon, but I can assure you I am not suicidal. Please, don't assume that because my father committed suicide that I am headed the same direction. Unfortunately, knee-jerk reactions like that are the reason why I am reluctant to share my story.

Also, I cannot simply cease contact with my coworker. We work together. We do not do anything outside of work, so at least I am drawing the line there. 

I do appreciate your suggestions, but I think within the realm of this scenario, some are not so applicable.

As far as reconnecting, I am sincerely trying. But, if you've been emotionally detached yourself, it is easier said than done.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

frodo said:


> I carry a weapon, but I can assure you I am not suicidal. Please, don't assume that because my father committed suicide that I am headed the same direction. Unfortunately, knee-jerk reactions like that are the reason why I am reluctant to share my story.
> 
> Also, I cannot simply cease contact with my coworker. We work together. We do not do anything outside of work, so at least I am drawing the line there.
> 
> ...


Baloney!

You can do whatever you need to do to handle this. _You are choosing not to_.

I've been in the military and I have lived a lot of life.

You are hesitant to seek help. The help you need.

I wish you well.


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## frodo (Jun 8, 2013)

I appreciate your advice. I will definitely seek help. I'm just trying to figure out what to do in the interim, whilst I'm emotionally despondent.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

frodo said:


> My instinct in the past has been to "run" and leave my relationship, in an attempt to feel less out-of-control and less guilt-ridden.


Isnt that exactly what your doing now?? running from your husband and leaving the relationship?? Your poor husband. Not only are you destroying your own marriage, but the man your emotionally cheating with is married too!! So basically your helping destroy 2 families. I hope you didn't come here seeking sympathy? You need to fix yourself in the worst way, but instead your breaking everything around you.


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## Youngwifeylovesherhubby (May 8, 2013)

Wow. My dad committed suicide when I was 16. This is almost exactly what happened with me. I feel your pain, and cried as I read this. 

Get professional help now. 

I didn't, and it took me years to get to a point where I could function as an adult. The turning point for me was when I attempted to od followed by being in a car accident. 
What you're describing is the direct effect of losing your father suddenly and tragically. Please find someone to talk to, a priest, a counselor, just someone (female) who can help you get past this depression. 

Does this coworker cause you to feel more 'special' than your dh? Can you talk to him for hours while talking to dh is a chore? Do you feel like he understands you more than dh ever could or would? 

If you value your dh and marriage at all, stop this before it goes further.


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## Youngwifeylovesherhubby (May 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Very New Marriage Already on the Rocks*



frodo said:


> I appreciate your advice. I will definitely seek help. I'm just trying to figure out what to do in the interim, whilst I'm emotionally despondent.


You need a female friend to talk to. Since you move so often, I understand how difficult it is to make new friends that you trust. 

Do you notice your moods cycle at all? One week you're feeling great the next you're depressed?


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## frodo (Jun 8, 2013)

Yes, my moods do cycle. Lately tho, it has been more off than on. The depression seems to be much more prominent than any good moments.

As far as this friend....yes, he is very understanding, and actually he's been awesome at telling me counselors that he sees at a local military hospital. I am seeing a different one that I found on my own, however. I talk to him for hours, I suppose, but it's because we are standing at the same post for hours. I don't talk to him outside of work, nor do I have any intention of doing so.

Thumper....I did NOT come here seeking sympathy. However, I would have expected more compassion considering I just laid out some pretty severe issues that I'm dealing with. How perfectly passive aggressive, btw, for you to "like" that comment, thatpbguy. I am willingly taking all advice that I can from here, but as far as being called a cheater and a home-wrecker.....I'm not sure that's exactly what I was looking for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for some sugar-coated response that will make me feel like I have done no wrong--far from that, I'm looking for ways I can get myself back on track. But to tell me that I am breaking everything around me, well....that's kind of adding insult to injury, since I already admitted that.

Anyway, I look forward to more productive and proactive replies. I am seeking help. I am trying to push forward. I am trying to come out of this fog. Please try to gear your comments with this same positivity in mind. Please.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

frodo said:


> Yes, my moods do cycle. Lately tho, it has been more off than on. The depression seems to be much more prominent than any good moments.
> 
> As far as this friend....yes, he is very understanding, and actually he's been awesome at telling me counselors that he sees at a local military hospital. I am seeing a different one that I found on my own, however. I talk to him for hours, I suppose, but it's because we are standing at the same post for hours. I don't talk to him outside of work, nor do I have any intention of doing so.
> 
> ...


I was very strong in my language because I am moved my your story and think you are harming yourself and your marriage. 

None of here (that I know of) are MD's or counselors and you seem in serious and immediate need. I am trying to encourage you to stop the destructive behavior and act before you lose your marriage and anything else.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Your having an emotional affair, meaning your telling some stranger that's NOT your husband all the information you SHOULD be telling your husband. I only quoted your own text, that you have run in the past and end relationships, are you not in fact doing that now or not? Using your own text, your already emotionally detached from your husband?

Now on the other hand, you admit you have a lot in common with your worker friend, BONDED DEEPLY I think were again your own words. How do you think that man is now going home and treating his wife?? 

Then you go on to tell your husband your being more emotionally fulfilled by a co-worker? and you feel guilt ridden? I'm sure your husband feels great about it.

So using only your own post, your now bitter cause we call out the facts of what your doing to others in your state of depression.

What you NEED to do, it take a leave of absence, get yourself fixed before this evolves to the next stage, and you hurt even more people. That is the harsh reality of it. I understand your hurting, but your about to hurt a lot more people than yourself. Your also about to damage the one relationship that's been there for you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, you're manipulative. That is understandable given your background. 

I was married to a woman who, with her two sisters, was raped regularly by her father. I had no idea while married to her. I knew something was wrong inside of her but she refused to admit what was wrong. What that woman did to me was unconscionable, and it is not excused by her father raping her. She was a monster. 

The fact you never confronted your father is a huge problem. Yeah, that elephant in the room. I've been there watching a whole family interact at gatherings wondering what was going on under the surface. "Oh, Dad raped all of us for about a decade and mom walked in on Dad with his fingers up inside of me (my wife) - she turned around and walked out, saying nothing..." After his favorite television show, Dad went into a daughter's bedroom for his little evening thrill and everyone else said nothing. More than an elephant. A pedophile child rapist committing incest repeatedly right in front of everyone. 

So the one thing about you is that there is one thing going on at the surface and something else entirely going on underneath. People with this background - that's what they excell at. 

Your thinking is disordered, given the background you have, and it takes years to straighten out. On the one hand you can feel tremendous guilt about something you are not responsible for, and feel no guilt whatsoever about the harm you actually are accountable for. 

You need someone with experience in adult victims of child sexual abuse.


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