# Help me find the best approach method



## ItWillHappen

My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and we have a 6 year old. A few weeks ago, he told me that he no longer was in love with me and that his feelings for me were gone, and that he had been feeling that way for a year. We tried one couple therapy session, and after his individual session with the counselor, he became convinced that there was no hope to recover any feelings for me and that he needed to be on his own for good. He left for his parents house the night before Thanksgiving.

As I am sure you all understand, I am living an emotional nightmare right now. It was completely unexpected and he is so close and so attached to his daughter that it just seemed unreal that he would move out. The first 2 days were horrid, with shared tears, arguments, guilt trips, finger pointing, the usual... Then we both calmed down. He wants us to be friends, for the sake of our daughter. 

Our main issues are him being particularly emotionally needy due to childhood issues, and me being emotionally closed off. The routine of everyday life and lack of sufficient intimacy affected him greatly as well.
I do, however, believe that there might be hope, but I don't know how to act in a conducive manner.
He texts me several times a day just like we used to when we were together, mostly about our child but also about random things. He spent the whole day home with us yesterday putting up Christmas decorations and playing with our little one. He wants to spend the night on Christmas Eve here to watch our child open up presents. He has asked my daughter to go stay with him for one night, but so far she says no. She's not used to me not being around. He is very sad and has been crying a lot.

My issue is I'm not sure a 180 is what is appropriate in this case. My husband loves to talk about feelings and would spend hours doing so. I did not enjoy that and I'm sure he felt rejected several times because of it. If all of a sudden I start being very distant with him, including not answering his random texts, wouldn't that prove to him that I am the cold ice queen he thinks I am? But then, doesn't he need to see how it truly is to be on his own or should I show him I can be the wife he's longed for who can actually listen to how he's feeling and truly cares about what's going on with him? I'm totally confused. Having a game plan would help me stay focused instead of wallowing in self-pity as I have been doing.


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## PBear

You should work on you for your sake. Why are you emotionally closed off?

And doing the 180 in your case is probably not a good idea. When someone's chief complaint about is not being emotionally connected to them, moving even further away isn't going to help. Will he keep trying the marital counselling with you? How about working through a book like "His Needs, Her Needs"?

C


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## Ginevra

Coming from a place of not knowing what all has been tried - maybe him seeing you being willing to take counseling would go a long way. I bet he still DOES love you and is doing the last resort, making a statement. If you are tired of him "whining" I get that. But if you are closed off, therapy might be necessary to address that. Otherwise this might be becoming more of a mismatch over time. My thought is to show him you acknowledge you are distant, and it might repair a lot more between you than you'd expect. Just the smallest step in the direction of showing you accept that you have been distant might go a long way. If you warm up, he may stop trying so hard to talk about it so often.


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## ItWillHappen

Thank you for the replies!

I am emotionally not as receptive as he would like due to my upbringing. Sharing feelings and expressing sadness was not something to do and looked down upon. It was engrained in my mind that it was a sign of weakness. Therefore, I started seeing my very sensitive husband as a weak man. Not really fair, I know, and I now realize (too late?) that he has greatly suffered from that. He said he has tried numerous times, and has given me hints, but I totally missed those.

I've done a lot of introspection in the last few days. Being so emotionally closed off has even removed my ability to make real friends, the type of friends I need now in this time of need. However, I've finally decided to open up to a few people, and their genuine care made me realize that my emotional isolation was counter-productive. I'm ready to change for my own good.

Now I gotta work on the husband. I just spent the afternoon reading Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. All the strategies listed would be much easier if he was home!
He's been texting me regularly during the day about this and that. I've been friendly. He misses his daughter dearly. I think that if it was up to him, he would come and visit almost daily. Should I let him, in order to casually reconnect and display the better woman I can be, or should I not encourage/offer very frequent visits, in order to give him a REAL taste of how it is to be out of the house?
I will see him tomorrow at our child's dance class. Should I invite him to stop by the house after, or is it way too early? He would say yes, as he wants to spend time with his daughter. Also, is it ok for me to initialize texts? He's always been huge on communication...


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## Ginevra

I feel very happy for you because it doesn't seem that you guys are too far gone for saving - not at all! 
Giving him a taste of living out of the house would be worthwhile in certain instances but since he seems to be feeling that his last resort is to escape the insensitivity, it might be uncalled-for here. Your call, you know the situation... but I'd text him at least sometimes. Takes two. He should be aware that you are finally ready to do this, you know?


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## ItWillHappen

Today's update....
We met at my daughter's dance class, where he asked me what I wanted for Christmas (wth?), then we all went home as she wanted to spend some time with her dad. I made a quick dinner for all of us and he tucked her in. We then talked for a long time.

He confirmed that his love for me is gone. He is extremely guilt ridden because of our daughter and cried every time we talked about her. He said he missed the house. He said he feels lost, and there is a lot of self-pity going on on his part. He is a giant ball of negativity at this point. I casually and briefly mentioned that once he finds some clarity he is welcome back if chooses to do so, and that there will be no hatred or resentment. His answer was "why, so that we can live like roommates?". Not a good sign, right?
Anyway, when it was time for him to go, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and just left.

I will see him again on Saturday, as he is coming to mow the lawn. My daughter is already asking him to sleep over, which he will gladly do if I give him permission. Should I let him?


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## TexDad034

Honestly I feel like you and your husband are in a much better position than most. First of all, you guys obviously have open lines of communication. For most of us, one or both parties have stonewalled; therefore, communication is virtually impossible. 

You two should try a marriage retreat or perhaps read books together if he is willing. I'd suggest 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman, or anything else people have had success with. 

It's important to remember that your husband does love you, but perhaps what he is telling you is that he is no longer IN LOVE with you. I almost envy you a bit and the circumstances you are in.


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## ItWillHappen

The problem is that he is 100% convinced that the marriage is irrevocably over, and that NOTHING can be done. He is very firm about that. He is completely against any additional types of marriage intervention, such as additional marriage counseling, retreats, books, etc... Ugh!
I just don't know how to move things in the right direction.


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## Ginevra

I am confused by his actions, too. Everything points to him still loving you, everything. He's stonewalling in a way, in my opinion. Some guys believe they have a switch they can flip and turn the whole thing off. I think he is in that phase. And not doing the best job of flipping the switch. His actions seem to speak louder than his words.


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## ItWillHappen

How do I help him "flip the switch" back on? By just being a supportive friend?


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## Ginevra

My own husband has the most extreme case of believing he has a switch I've ever seen. He also historically has done a poor job of walking the walk, and mostly talks the talk on switch-flipping. It makes life pretty difficult for all involved. He doesn't see that, or doesn't care much, can't decide. Sounds like your husband may be a little similar. All you can do is be better, personally, for yourself - which (from what I read here) would probably involve warming up in general. Be a supportive and kind person to him. I feel like it's all you can do right now but it might help more than any counseling. It's what I have been doing the past few weeks and has turned up with excellent results. One person can't hold the marriage but vastly improving my ways has vastly improved everything. We're far from fixed but are getting along well.


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## ItWillHappen

Ginevra, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I will follow your advice and see where that takes us. I will try not to let the mixed signals drive me crazy. He's picking up more of his stuff on Saturday


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## TexDad034

I will tell you at least from my experience that pointing out what we have discussed to you does the opposite of what you want to achieve. Since your husband is picking stuff up on Saturday, perhaps you can have your daughter ready to go off and do something without him? Show him that you will manage with him gone. Be cordial, and show a happy face, but let him know that this is his decision and you have no other choice but to move on without him.


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## Stretch

Happen,

I still think going NC on your WAS will force him to understand that while your marriage was not perfect, being alone is worse.

You acknowledged that there needed to be more intimacy, more affection, more communication and that you were willing to try to change. Where is his willingness to work on it?

He needs to find out what alone really feels like.

Stay strong,
Stretch


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## Stretch

My W had the same concerns as your H in spades.

She started to change her mind when she understood that I was moving on and dating.

Now she is in the sh1t because she wants to R and I am not physically or romantically attached to her anymore. Uh oh for her!

This was my experience, take it for what it is worth.

Stretch


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## ItWillHappen

Haaaaa.... To NC or not, that's the question and the opinions seem to vary. Still no signs he has any intention of working on the marriage. None.

So every morning he texts me to see how our daughter is doing, and we usually exchange a few friendly messages after that.
This morning, he proceeds to text me that since he left the house, his appetite has completely returned, he was able to stop smoking, he signed up for the gym and is hitting it hard, is getting a new tattoo and is about to start a 2nd job. Basically implying that his life since moving to his mama's house away from his family is much better. How in the world am I supposed to react to that? Since his life now feels much better, I'm pretty sure he equates coming back to going back to misery and depression.

I simply replied "that's good". Then he told me again that he was buying me a Christmas present even though "things are completely different now". This is ridiculous. I don't get it.

He's already talking about how he's gonna spend part of the tax refund next year. This tax refund was supposed to be used toward a nice family vacation for my daughter's birthday that is already booked and NOT refundable. I was just gonna go with my daughter, but if he takes some of the refund, we are screwed. I have not said anything about that yet...

So again, to NC or not to NC. Knowing that his friends and probably now his family are telling him he's better off on his own, wouldn't NC prove to him that I'm the emotionless person he thinks I am? Since he is so emotionally needy, should I try to be there for him instead, even though hearing how much better off he is now is incredibly painful? I'm trying to move on, and I'm going out with friends Saturday for the first time in a long time. He's probably thrilled about it, as that will allow him to spend time with our child without me...


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## Stretch

Consider using the NC for YOU.

To prove to yourself that you will have a fulfilling future with or without H.

One of the hardest things we all have to do is to change the focus from the WAS to ourselves, the only thing we can control.

Can I be so bold to point out that your contacts with that person set you back, give you anxiety, etc? I am suggesting that you eliminate the cause to address the symptoms.

Good luck girlfriend, you are stronger than you know,
Stretch


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## sammy3

There is no one else in the picture, is there? 

~sammy


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## ItWillHappen

He swears up and down that he has never cheated on me, but not without pointing out that many women "offered" their services to him and he always declined, and that he's not ending things with me to go chase women. 

I spoke to him on the phone today as he wanted to speak to our daughter. He went on and on about the new tattoo he is getting, and was thrilled when I told him i was going to a party tomorrow night and that he could spend more time with the little one. He did not even ask me any questions about the party. I definitely no longer matter. 

He ended the discussion by saying how happy he is that we are getting along so well through all this, and that we are both now in a better place. Nope, I'm not in a better place, but I must be faking it well.

I'm afraid of the NC thing. He's been understanding when it comes to visitations with our daughter (twice a week), and has not forced her to come stay with him overnight yet (which will kill me, but I gotta get used to it, I know). If I go NC, I know for a fact that he will just get into the house at his convenience to see her, take her, or pick her up from school without telling me. 

What makes me mad is that NOW he is enjoying life so much, being a part-time father and not having to deal with the daily routine of marriage and parenthood, a routine that he has been complaining about. It's kind of like having a cake and eating it too. He got what he wanted, freedom with no daily responsibility, and still seeing his beloved daughter. It seems so unfair!


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## ItWillHappen

About my husband having no other women....

I actually just found a few minutes ago some VERY inappropriate posts/exchanges with his ex-girlfriend on her public Facebook page, that started before the whole I'm not in love you thing. She lives in a different state, but it definitely looks like there is some type of emotional affair going on. I am shaking and furious. 

I am seeing him on Tuesday. Should I calmly ask him if he's thinking about someone else romantically, or should I not even bother? Should I show him the evidence if he denies it?

That totally changes the game. Not even sure I want him back. I feel so betrayed and I feel like such a fool.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

If I were you, I would tell STBXH (soon-to-be-ex-husband), that I AGREE that we are BOTH better off splitting up and moving on. I would state that I read ALL of the inappropriate posts on Susie-Q's Facebook page pre-dating the I'm-not-in-love-with-you-anymore declaration...so don't bother denying it. 

I would tell him that I will ATTEMPT to be CIVIL with you, but we are definitely NOT FRIENDS as friends don't stab you in the back (or in the heart). Then (if on the phone) coldly state, "Goodbye, John" and hang up or (if in person) escort him to the door and REFUSE to engage in ANY discussion while he gets his cheating azz out the door!

As for the DAILY text messages inquiring about daughter and the chit-chatty ones after...that would end (for me). If he gave a rat's azz about our daughter, he'd be living with her not hitting on ex-girlfriends...end of discussion!

But that's just MY humble opinion (and I'm known to be bytchy!) *wink*


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## ItWillHappen

My issue is: how do I keep him out of the house? Right now it's his as much as mine...
Also, how do I learn to share my precious daughter with this @@@hole?


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## ItWillHappen

Just combed through the cell phone bill online. They have been messaging non stop, and constantly sending pictures. I'm feeling sick.


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## Ginevra

SlowlyGettingWiser hit the nail on the head. Even before I read your update regarding his ex, I was thinking how manipulative and immature this guy sounds. Now we have the back story; he's using her as a distraction and rationalizing his behavior by calling you out for coldness. He's getting his kicks but I still think he cares for you. Maybe he was legitimately hurt which led to this ex stuff, but it's snowballed now and he's lost control and decency. He's using both of you. He may not be as joyful as he seems... sounds like the actions of someone trying to stay afloat. But you don't need these games. Game over, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyTurn

Itwillhappen,
time for action!stop any contact thats not about child related.Do the 180 .He is having an EA so he is not thinking straight.
Give him what he wants , D. No more friends.texts that are not about daughter,do not get reply.
The EA has nothing to do with you and the problems your M has .Its 100% his fault , so do not by his bs .


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## ItWillHappen

The 180 is starting full force. 

The hurt has been replaced by pure anger. My head is spinning. 

I know that with the 180, he's gonna start letting himself into the house to see our daughter whenever, which is unacceptable. How do I handle that?


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## Ginevra

You both own the home together?


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## TexDad034

Get a Lawyer asap. Protect yourself or he will continue to dictate what happens between now and then.


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## karole

ItWillHappen said:


> The 180 is starting full force.
> 
> The hurt has been replaced by pure anger. My head is spinning.
> 
> I know that with the 180, he's gonna start letting himself into the house to see our daughter whenever, which is unacceptable. How do I handle that?


See a lawyer, file for divorce and have him served. Do not give your husband any warning of the filing. Go dark - do not speak to him unless it is about your child.


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## ItWillHappen

We both own the home, so right now he can come and go as he pleases. I want to go completely dark, but how dark can I go when, knowing him, he will let himself into the house unannounced, whenever.

I'm having a consult with an attorney this week. I'm compiling a list of questions.

I started the 180, and he's been texting asking me if i'm mad because I'm ignoring his texts. I'm loving it.
Is it ok to calmly tell him that I know about the EA next time i see him? I want him to know that I know.


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## Tron

Go to your lawyer consult ASAP.


I would call him and tell him that you are not ok sending nice texts back and forth, not ok with pretending to be friends or pretending to be married while he is out F'ing another woman. You know about her and you are divorcing him. 


And...this ain't exactly legal, but...tell him (not in writing!!!) that as far as you are concerned he has abandoned the marriage for another woman and not to bother coming by the house unannounced. He can schedule anytime to come by on standard visitation schedule to pick up his daughter and that is it. He is not welcome at the house anymore and if he tries anything you will call the cops on him. (You cannot legally do that without provocation mind you, but...it sends a message not to mess with you).

Tell him he can communicate with you about your D via text.

Then expose the affair far and wide to anyone that will listen...his family, your family, friends, facebook, etc. If the OW has a H then by all means let him know what is going on.

Put the OW up on Cheaterville.

Then go dark and wait.

You also may want to ask a moderator to move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity board. You will get a lot of help there.


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## ItWillHappen

He just texted me that magically he got a great job offer in a different state, and that happened to be OW state, what a coincidence (of course he left that part out). Now he's mad because I'm not getting into any conversation with him.

I think I should let him move there before I file for divorce, then custody of my daughter shouldn't be that much of an issue. Should I play nice again? I don't want him to suspect anything and decide to stay here after all. Gotta play my cards right...


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## Tron

After simmering for a day or two on this what do you want? 

Do you still want him back or are you done with him and just trying to get the best result in a D?


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## ItWillHappen

Tron, that's a very good question.

I am beyond confused right now. He's willing to move cross-country to live close to his girlfriend instead of working on the marriage and being a good father. I'm no longer sure he is the type of person I want around. 
It's only been a couple of days and I'm still not thinking straight whatsoever and I'm filled with anxiety. I need my mind to start working properly again to really see what I truly want. I hope it's sooner rather than later because right now I'm having a hard time functioning properly. My support system is practically non-existent


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## Tron

He is in the "fog".

There are very few ways to break it up prematurely outside of exposing the affair. 9 times out of 10 affairs either run their course or you blow them up and the course gets shorter.

If you can, get copies of the texts and photos. If you are in the US, there are a few states where you get a better outcome in D if you can prove adultery. Your lawyer will let you know whether it helps or not. He can also tell you whether you can change the locks on the house.

As far as your current mental state...totally understandable. Sorry you are here, but things will get better over time.

As far as controlling the anxiety, anger and depression, try meditation, yoga, exercise, etc... Meds work too. 

What kind of support do you have? 

Have you spent any time in IC?


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## ItWillHappen

He's definitely in the fog.

Unfortunately, I live in a no-fault divorce state so the affair is irrelevant. I cannot change the locks as there is no legal separation in our state either (had a phone consult with an attorney this morning).

I am still exercising 5 times a week but I'm having a hard time focusing or getting into it. Not only do I feel physically weak from the lack of food and sleep, but If I could stop my mind from thinking about this mess for just 5 minutes, that would be great. 

I do need to see a doctor. I don't have insurance or a specific doctor, time to look for one. 

No IC yet. There is a support group for divorced/separated women that actually has childcare (that's another issue), but they work by session and the next session is in January. The other support groups are in the evening with no childcare, so that won't work.
So far the counselors I called who offer a sliding scale are still too much. I have to be very careful financially, but I do need some type of support.

I have a few acquaintances locally, but no real friends, nobody to lean on. Also, the very few relatives I have left are not in the United States. I'm alone


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## lenzi

karole said:


> See a lawyer, file for divorce and have him served. Do not give your husband any warning of the filing. Go dark - do not speak to him unless it is about your child.


And ask the court for temporary sole occupancy of the marital residence given that your husband moved out.


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## karole

Talk to an attorney now - file for divorce and have him served - ASAP! If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will. Call an attorney!!!!


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## ItWillHappen

So he visited yesterday. He told me that he does not wish to pay for the mortgage as promised much longer because he wants more money to be able to enjoy life. He asked me to look for a 1 bedroom apartment for myself and our daughter to move into, and that he might be able to help me with that. How generous of him.

I have an appointment with attorney #2 tomorrow. As soon as I gather the money for the retainer (not sure how), I'm filing.
I probably need to have this thread moved. I no longer want R.


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## Tron

Time to file and get temporary orders for support, etc.

You need to prevent him from depleting your marital assets on his OW.


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