# Husband still communicating with his ex



## MiserablenTX (Dec 26, 2013)

So, here I go again......Just found out my husband is still communicating with his ex-fiance. 

Today, I was home sick. He came home, text came through his phone. Normally he shares everything with me, but this time he didn't acknowledge the text. I asked him if it was his job. Anyhow, that was an argument on his part. He finally admitted that it was his ex. I told him I knew he was still in contact with her. He said he hadn't heard from her and she was just telling him about her son (not his) legal issues. I gave him a look, like really? We parted back in October for five days, and our agreement was he was not going to keep her text from me. Here we go again. He admitted to deleting her text, anything to prevent an argument. My point is....If you know she is going to cause an argument, why are you still communicating with her. Your thoughts? At this point, I really am second guessing this one year marriage. Our sex life sucks....Once every two weeks if im lucky, and it's nothing laborate, trust me. Any advice will help. Before I forget, he states he is still in contact with her because of the boys' he helped raised. They were together 9 years. Boys are 16 and 17.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

An adult who forms a paternal relationship and helps to raise children for 9 years, TO THE CHILD, is just like a parent. So knock it off with the jealousy, you've got a decent man who isn't about to disappear on those boys, which is the RIGHT thing to do!

If you stop over reacting, maybe the text messages won't have to go under ground because clearly, in order to remain in the life of those boys, he must also be in touch with their mother.

Girl, get a hold of yourself and be the adult here!

Sex might get better once the tension and anxiety leaves...


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It sounds like the real problem is that your sex life sucks.

Why does it?


----------



## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

You both have to be able to trust one another. Lying to each other is not going to help and eventually you will end up divorced. Just bc she's an ex doesn't mean he wants her back. Some ex's stay friends. Personally, I am friends with one of my ex's. From time to time we text but that's about it. No feelings are involved, and if there were any, I would not be in contact with him. My husband knows and he doesn't care, bc he knows I'm not going anywhere. He too has contact with women he's dated, I don't mind. The ring is on my finger, not hers. Until he gives me a reason not to trust him, I do 100%. You shouldn't dismiss his reason why he is in contact with her. He was a big part of their lives and for those kids, he is important to them. At least that's what I gathered from your post. I would talk to him about it, without being *****y. Try to understand his reasons, you might agree or disagree, but you have to trust he is being honest with you. Until he gives you a reason not to, and talking to his ex is not a reason in my opinion. You have no reason to accuse him of anything. If you choose to lie to each other, your sex life will not get better. Everything else will start sucking too. Now, I also understand if the situation was a little different, perhaps it had nothing to do with the kids. He still had contact and it bothered you, well that is a conversation that you both have to sit down and talk about. Some say its disrespect to talk to an ex and some say it shouldn't be a big deal. That's when trust comes in, you know your past. Has he given you a reason not to trust him? Lying to you is not right, he has to be honest. He has to understand you cannot be accepting of this if he is not honest. Even if it turns into a argument.


----------



## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Having private communication with an ex-spouse is unacceptable if you have a 'current' spouse--unless there are children involved.

Your husband's situation is unique. I think it'd be perfectly understandable and an excellent demonstration of his character if he did still want to be the father-figure in the lives of two young men whom he'd helped raise since the ages of 7 and 8.

However, since these boys are 16 and 17 now, I have a hard time understanding why his desire to keep a relationship with them needs to involve any texts between he and his ex-wife.

They are indeed young-men now. His relationship with them can continue VERY MUCH without his ex-wife being a part of it. 

If his 'relationship with them' involves nothing but communications with his ex---wherein she complains about them…

Well that's a problem.

Because that's not a relationship _with them_.

That's an ongoing relationship _with her_ and in a capacity that's inappropriate now that he's married. He is no longer_ 'the guy she goes to with her problems'_

When he was married to her...would it have been appropriate for you to text him with your life problems?

Of course not.

And that sort of relationship between them stopped being appropriate when they divorced each other and he married you.

The fact that he ‘hides’ it from you makes it even more outrageous.

Barring some unique circumstance, wherein she really needs his advice or insight (as someone who co-parented them with her) regarding some aspect of her sons’ life…this communication needs to stop. Right now.

And the hiding of it---needs to NEVER happen again.'

It’s important to mention too, I don’t see it as a ‘jealousy’ issue at all. And I’m hoping you won’t let this devolve into a jealousy display either…

Personally, I don’t do jealous. I’m just not built that way. 

In order to be jealous, there has to be someone to feel jealous of, I have never felt jealousy over someone’s ex. You shouldn’t either.

You don’t compete with other women. There’s no competition. Anyone who “has the good fortune to be married to you” MUST abide by a certain code of conduct. 

And RESPECT means absolutely everything to me.

It comes before anything else. Even before love.

Because you could never really love me, if you didn’t respect me first.

So for me, this is simply a respect issue.

And I hope it will be for you.

It goes without saying that, when I talk about a code of conduct, this is something I too abide by very ardently. And that may be why the notion of someone breaking it so garishly is intolerable to me.

It sounds like there may be other issues in your marriage as well…
But, strictly speaking of this circumstance, and how I would handle it---

Firstly, saying this *“I told him I knew he was still in contact with her. “*

I would not say that. It feels weak.

I would not get mad (not visibly anyway)…and I would just say, very matter-of-factually, even nicely, something like:

_“I don’t do this. I don’t do secretive communications with my ex. I don’t do ‘wondering about secretive communications with someone elses ex’. And I don’t stay married to someone who does. So, by all means, if that’s what you do, if that’s what you want to do, I would never dream of trying to ‘make you stop’. That’s just absurd. So you feel free to live your life however you wish. But I don’t live my life this way.”_

And then, honestly, regardless of what he does, I’m probably still reconsidering the whole marriage.

Maybe that's excessive. I’ve never actually been in a situation like this before. But I honestly think the reason I haven’t is because this is _“absolutely how I am”._ I do think to a large extent, people treat you how you let them. 

Anyway, this is a longer reply than I intended. And feels a little bit too much like a personal soliloquy. 

But I feel like a lot of people (men and women) in relationships do not operate from a place of self-respect. 

I think if they would, a lot of their problems wouldn't have come to exist in the first place.

Don't disrespect others. Don't allow them to disrespect you.

Good luck!!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

"However, since these boys are 16 and 17 now, I have a hard time understanding why his desire to keep a relationship with them needs to involve any texts between he and his ex-wife."

Allow me to explain?

He is the defacto father to these boys, even if their bio dad is in the picture. He has a relationship with them. This means their mother communicates with him, to tell him what is going on in their lives. For many single women raising a boy into adulthood, they need a man to discuss things with. They need to hear from a man about what a growing man should sound like, be like, refuse to be like and how to get that boy to do what Mom thinks he should be doing. 

Maybe there is something nefarious about the texting, but more likely there isn't. The man didn't marry the ex he married the OP.


----------



## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> "However, since these boys are 16 and 17 now, I have a hard time understanding why his desire to keep a relationship with them needs to involve any texts between he and his ex-wife."
> 
> Allow me to explain?
> 
> ...


I hear ya.


But See, the problem is---you can't explain.

And hey, neither can I...

We've both simply arrived at different conclusions having read the OP…

Your conclusion: _"There is nothing untoward occurring here. His ex-wife is merely leaning on the OP's husband to be her 'masculine counsel' regarding her two sons. This has everything to do with them, and the role he played in their raising…and nothing to do with any lingering feelings or desire to enjoy the role of being the 'the woman in his life."_

My conclusion:_ "His ex-wife does not need the OP's husband to be her ‘male counsel’ regarding these two kids unless there are fairly unique circumstances at play (e.g. severe behavioral/mental-health problems, she is trying to make a BIG decision regarding some aspect of these boys’ lives that would be strongly informed by her ex-husband’s opinion). And, at the very least, her husband feels ‘more fear’ at the prospect of dropping all contact with his ex-wife, than he does in facing his current wife’s displeasure regarding his ongoing relationship with his ex (a displeasure that resulted in a brief separation).”_

Unfortunately, neither of us know the truth.

If his ex is merely seeking his advice regarding some aspect of her sons’ lives…if there is no underlying motivation beyond that one at play here…well, I too, would have NO PROBLEM with their communication.

We both would need more details from the OP in order to arrive at a fully informed conclusion.

Since we don’t have those, our opinions' are based upon the different initial impressions we both drew

So be it. That’s actually PERFECT.

The OP should earnestly reflect upon what responses most resonate with her. 

If she is merely being jealous of two boys who have been separated from their ‘father figure’ and that is the sole motivation of this communications with his ex--then I hope VERY MUCH that she ‘feels that truth’ when she reads your response. I truly do. 

Like I said. We have very few details here. It’s VERY good that our responses were so different, because , ultimately it’s her life.

So…OP: 

Take in ‘as many thoughts’ as you’re offered.

Reflect upon them ALL.

Feel what resonates with your conscience.

And then act accordingly.

And again, good luck!!!


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

My take on it is simple; the OP is very insecure. Sorry


----------

