# Truth doesn't always make things better, need insight



## abcd12 (Jun 10, 2010)

K so my husband and I are a very young couple, together for 4 years and married for about a year and a half, with a newborn babygirl. 

To completely understand the situation i have to give a little info about our past. I've only had one other relationship before my husband. And my husband was well-known for being a "player." For the first year of our relationship, we were on and off, mostly because i was just getting out of a 3 year relationship and i wasn't ready for another serious one. During that year, i was still talking to my ex, and i met another man. I had a really strong relationship with my ex and i found it hard to let go of it completely so we just remained friends, we would communicate over the phone or online, nothing more. As for the other man i met, he was charming at first, i liked the way he showed me my spontaneous side, i guess you could say we had a little relationship on the side. This mini relationship led us to have a single moment of physical relations. Only once mainly because i completely regretted doing it, i felt really dirty and didnt want anything to do with this guy, because it was so out of my element to be unfaithful to my then boyfriend (now husband) . 

My boyfriend knew that i was seeing this guy, and forgave me for having a relationship with him. However he never knew that i had a physical relationship with the guy. I don't know what came over me, i dont know why i didnt tell him the full truth, but i learned to live with keeping that secret. Afterwards my boyfriend and i carried the relationship, with so much trust, and love in eachother that we decided to get married. Six months ago i had a babygirl, and couldn't have been any happier, with a beautiful baby and loving husband. Four months ago, i thought our relationship was strong enough to tell him the complete truth, i don't know if i thought too much of our relationship. I know he still really loves me, but it kills me to see him in so much pain. Just last night he stayed up all night, just contemplating, blaming the whole thing on himself. Whenever we go out, he always brings up the situation and ruins the time we rarely get to share with eachother. I've told my close friends about it, and they say i shouldn't have told him about it. At this point im starting to believe that i should have never told him, because it doesnt' seem like it'll ever heal. 

I'd love it if somebody would give me advice, on what could help him heal, i'd do anything to get things back to the way they were. I would also like to apologize about my lack of writing skills, i wasn't blessed with the ability to tell stories. 

BTW, we constantly argue, i dont understand why he's so mad, sometimes i feel like he's over reacting, i feel as though its in our past, why should it matter now when im deeply in love with him now and could never imagine myself with anyone else. We even made a deal about it. i desperately agreed to giving bjs for a week if he promises to never mention it again. I did my part of the deal but he keeps dwelling on the issue and bringing it up. 

I appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks in advance


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

I may not be the best person to be giving advice right now, but here goes.

I'm dealing with my wife's emotional affair at the moment. What has really hurt more than anything is being lied to. It feels like our entire relationship was based on a lie.

I'd be willing to bet it isn't the action that has your husband so upset, it's the fact that you didn't feel it important to tell him from the beginning. Whatever your reasons were for not telling him before, his reasoning isn't the same.

I know in my situation, if my wife were to come clean with everything and, after some time, she could honestly look me in the eye and tell me that she couldn't have found anyone better than me, that alone would go a long way toward healing. I'm not sure what your conversations with him have been, but just be there for him, understand him, and most of all, encourage him and remind him that it's HIM you're deeply in love with, not someone else.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

I have never been able to wrap my head around why people feel this overwhelming NEED to share their whole sordid past with their spouses and boyfriends. It is almost never the best course of action in situations such as yours. If its a case of cheating on your spouse in the NOW then I agree that coming clean is often for the best because otherwise you're living a lie and deceiving a person you love. But why in the world would you bring up something like that from a period where you were 'on again, off again' dating? You didn't love him then, you didn't even fully know if it was going to work out I bet right? You can't feel guilty for something like that given the context, leave the past in the past! If your husband was as much of a 'player' as you suggest then I promise you he probably had more than one such encounter while you were 'on again, off again', the difference here is that he had the common sense to leave that in the past and spare your feelings.

All you can do now is assure him that you love him dearly and that that was a period of turmoil and uncertainty for you and you had no idea if your relationship with him would work out or not. Ask him to forgive you of course but tell him that you want to live in the present, not the past


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