# I literally cannot ruin our lives like this...



## Heartless

Hello. A short blurb about myself is that I have been an alcoholic in and out of recovery for the last 10 years. What a way to make an intro, right? Well. This isnt about me at this point as we have kids in the mix, so I will leap right into it.

My ex didnt want me to get better. Plain and simple. She wanted me there to be sick for the sympathy of others. I know of no other loving spouse that would deceive their recovering husband by passing them alcoholic drinks. But hey, that was over 8 years ago and it honestly feels like water over the bridge. She had an affair the first year we were married in an 8 year relationship. We had no kids, and no longer speak at this point and I am perfectly ok with that.

So... Let me get a little more in depth. I have known my current wife since I was 14 years old (currently in my mid 30's). We used to go out with an old friend of mine to everywhere. We had crushes on each-other at the time, but never had the courage to acknowledge it. She meant a lot to me at the time. She showed me a side of women that only she had ever done. She was one of the biggest highlights of my teenage years, just by getting the privilege to be her friend. As she lived in a different part of the state, and us still being teenagers, we didnt get to stay in much contact. That contact faded over the span of 5 years. Well we re-connected randomly one day on IM not even recognizing each-others handles. Once we realized who we were talking to, things took off.

We started dating almost two weeks in. Shared running while food cooked in the crockpot until we got back. I took on her daughter who was 20 months at the time, and I felt a new part of me loving someone else like my own child. Eventually, after 8 months of dating we got married.

I dont regret marrying my wife- at all. We have a connection that is so fluent and special. At the same time there is a big part of herself that I no longer can be interested in.

My wife is a creative writing major. She has written a load of fan fiction, as well as parts of books that she has shelved until she feels that she is ready to complete. I have tried to support her by complimenting her passion with my hobby of webdesign. I created an interactive site for fan fiction folk based on her complaints alone. I let her quit her job to fufill writing a book to seeing her facebook nearly full-time.

These days, her moods are determined by how many likes she gets on her fan fiction. If she loses a subscriber, then she is insufferable the rest of the night. I have actually grown to resent a large part of who she is, because I cannot listen to how her fictional character conversations sound when they determine the mood of my wife the rest of the week.

Our dates are horrible. Our visits to places we like are horrible. Me sitting 6 feet away on a couch is horrible. Mainly because she picks at her hair and smiles at her phone once every 15 minutes and then swears how she hates smart phones autocorrect. Shes looking at her fan fic, then gets sucked into checking every other app. Did I mention every 15 minutes?

I have struggled to stay sober (not because of her at all). That hasnt been an easy ride for the last three months. Drink twice a week at minimum which she is very aware. I am getting shot with vivitral next Thursday *middle fingers up to alcohol*. 

... Thoughts?


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## Satya

Heartless said:


> ... Thoughts?


Show her this post.

You may be a recovering alcoholic, but she has an addiction as well. Hers is called the "narcissistic supply" and her supply, thanks to social media, is an endless one.

My recommendation is that you get her into therapy for her constant need for validation, as it's clear that if things carry on, she's going to find herself a divorced woman.

You owe it to yourself as much to put a stop to this now. Falling back into alcohol is NOT an option for you. I'm sure that's what you are telling yourself. My personal conditions would be 1.) quit social media and 2.) get a real job. There's nothing to say she can't write fanfic in her spare time, but there's literally no need for her to be on social media all the time. It warps all sense of decency and reality. People online don't matter as much as the ones in front of us.


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## Heartless

Well some time has passed since she had been glued to Facebook specifically. She quit facebook over a year ago and did end up getting a part time job three days a week. She started seeing a therapist two months ago. She also has picked up instagram as it has"less drama" than what Facebook did. The problem is that instagram continues to make itself present too often (imo), and it comes on our dates with us, which I hate.

Her need for validation for her fan fiction has never been stronger, and this is the part that I am struggling with. I feel like something is wrong on my side of the fence since I cannot find interest in what she is writing. I have heard about these fictional characters conversations, who they love, why they fight, why people in the fandom are wrong why X would be with Y, their family dynamics, their interests, what they do on the holidays- you name it.

Its almost like these are real people to her, and when she writes about them she better get 100 likes, or else she feels the need to give up writing entirely. I want to support her writing, at the same time I am not interested in discussing her characters fictional lives for an hour each evening rather than live our own with our newborn daughter and our teenager.

At the same time I feel like maybe its my problem as maybe I have too hard of a time seeing fun in the simple joys of writing. I dont know...


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## arbitrator

*In tacit agreement with your continuation of giving alcohol "the middle finger!" Harder said than done but well worth it!

The bigger problem is with her controlling attitude and behavior toward you!

Having said that, you two need to be in compulsory marriage counseling and individual counseling as well!*


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## Satya

Heartless said:


> Her need for validation for her fan fiction has never been stronger, and this is the part that I am struggling with. I feel like something is wrong on my side of the fence since I cannot find interest in what she is writing. I have heard about these fictional characters conversations, who they love, why they fight, why people in the fandom are wrong why X would be with Y, their family dynamics, their interests, what they do on the holidays- you name it.
> 
> Its almost like these are real people to her, and when she writes about them she better get 100 likes, or else she feels the need to give up writing entirely. I want to support her writing, at the same time I am not interested in discussing her characters fictional lives for an hour each evening rather than live our own with our newborn daughter and our teenager.
> 
> At the same time I feel like maybe its my problem as maybe I have too hard of a time seeing fun in the simple joys of writing. I dont know...


I used to be part of an online community where I would write fanfiction with others in a kind of "round robin" style.
Then, we also had things like "story arcs" where it was like a long term soap opera. It really helped to improve my writing skills and I got to collaborate with some very interesting people, some of whom were trying to become professional screenplay writers.

However, I was also a married woman then and had a real life. Some people I wrote with were absolutely sucked in and constantly online. I'd be gone for a few days, come back, and an epic story had unfolded and finished, without much if any participation from me. I realized after a while that I had to be a little more "casual" in my writing, then eventually I stopped altogether because I had started a newer and more demanding job. 

The way I ended it was by killing off my character, which is a good way to make sure there's no reason to get sucked back in. And it can be hard, since you feel "invested" in that character and how you developed them.

If I knew that my marriage was on the rocks because of this hobby, I'd kill off my character in a heartbeat.
She clearly does not really see the impact this is having on your relationship. Have you honestly had a come to Jesus conversation with her yet?

ETA: The instagram needs to be banned on dates or outings.


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## aine

It appears your current wife has an addiction of her own. Often addicts (recovering or otherwise) are attracted to one another due to co-dependency issues etc. How is the therapy going. Cant you simply insist she leaves her phone at home otherwise go on a 'date' with her phone and not you.

Sounds if you are a recovering alcoholic, you need more stability in your life, this is something you should discuss with your wife.


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