# Want to save my marriage!



## layercake (Dec 9, 2013)

This may be my very first forum post I have ever made. I am on the brink of getting divorced and I need some 3rd party advice, comments, reality checks... anything will help at this point. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and dated for 1 year before marriage. It has been a very difficult marriage for the both of us since the beginning. 

There was love there for sure at the beginning, but all the bickering we did throughout just got the better of me I guess. I started to lose interest and didn't voice my concerns. We moved overseas after my child was born and money issues and problems with my lack of interest kept coming up. We had our good days and bad days, but things weren't terrible. After a couple years, my husband had to move back to US, for what we thought would be 6-8 months. This turned into 18 months. During this period, about 3 months after he left, I was out with friends and met a guy. This guy was just gushing over me and I fell for it. We ended up having an online affair (he lived in a different country) and eventually met up again. When we met up, I let it go all the way. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway because I felt sexy and fun. This never happened again, but I did still chat with him off and on for a few months. When my husband returned to us, the day after he came back, I received an email from his "girlfriend" who had claimed to have a 4 month relationship with him. During this time my child was in the hospital and I was having trouble at work so I reacted badly and told him I couldn't handle it. I asked him to move out, but didn't follow through with the request. We stayed together and tried to make it work, but I wasn't really 100% into it. I tried to be, but some feelings had gone. About 3 months ago, my husband found text messages form the guy I had been with on an ole phone of mine. It was pretty disastrous as he was able to read in detail everything that we said to each other. I felt awful and tried to make it up to him, but lost track of things after about a month of trying. Some feelings are just gone and as much as I try to force them back, I feel like working on my relationship has become a second job. (My husband and I also own business together and are around each other 24/7) I still feel awful about hurting him, but I don't know how to get these feelings back. They have been slowly fading away for awhile. My husband has been more than supportive, trying to get things back on track but I am constantly defensive as I feel like he is always complaining about our issues. I know I am not treating him fairly and I do want to have a happy relationship and family, but I really don't know how to put it all back together. I think I may to too selfish for a marriage, but I want to try again. I have tried a lot of things, but my husband feels they are all superficial. I have tried doing everything I can for him, talking the lead in the business, doing all the parental stuff, cooking, cleaning... but the biggest issue is that I seem to be doing all these things mechanically instead of with heart. What can I do to change my mindset? What can I do fix this marriage?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

layercake said:


> This may be my very first forum post I have ever made. I am on the brink of getting divorced and I need some 3rd party advice, comments, reality checks... anything will help at this point. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and dated for 1 year before marriage. It has been a very difficult marriage for the both of us since the beginning.
> 
> There was love there for sure at the beginning, but all the bickering we did throughout just got the better of me I guess. I started to lose interest and didn't voice my concerns. We moved overseas after my child was born and money issues and problems with my lack of interest kept coming up. We had our good days and bad days, but things weren't terrible. After a couple years, my husband had to move back to US, for what we thought would be 6-8 months. This turned into 18 months. During this period, about 3 months after he left, I was out with friends and met a guy. This guy was just gushing over me and I fell for it. We ended up having an online affair (he lived in a different country) and eventually met up again. When we met up, I let it go all the way. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway because I felt sexy and fun. This never happened again, but I did still chat with him off and on for a few months. When my husband returned to us, the day after he came back, I received an email from his "girlfriend" who had claimed to have a 4 month relationship with him. During this time my child was in the hospital and I was having trouble at work so I reacted badly and told him I couldn't handle it. I asked him to move out, but didn't follow through with the request. We stayed together and tried to make it work, but I wasn't really 100% into it. I tried to be, but some feelings had gone. About 3 months ago, my husband found text messages form the guy I had been with on an ole phone of mine. It was pretty disastrous as he was able to read in detail everything that we said to each other. I felt awful and tried to make it up to him, but lost track of things after about a month of trying. Some feelings are just gone and as much as I try to force them back, I feel like working on my relationship has become a second job. (My husband and I also own business together and are around each other 24/7) I still feel awful about hurting him, but I don't know how to get these feelings back. They have been slowly fading away for awhile. My husband has been more than supportive, trying to get things back on track but I am constantly defensive as I feel like he is always complaining about our issues. I know I am not treating him fairly and I do want to have a happy relationship and family, but I really don't know how to put it all back together. I think I may to too selfish for a marriage, but I want to try again. I have tried a lot of things, but my husband feels they are all superficial. I have tried doing everything I can for him, talking the lead in the business, doing all the parental stuff, cooking, cleaning... but the biggest issue is that I seem to be doing all these things mechanically instead of with heart. What can I do to change my mindset? What can I do fix this marriage?


Get counseling, your H deserves to be happy, you can't make him happy. Too selfish
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

So both of you cheated? 

"It has been a very difficult marriage for the both of us since the beginning" 

So really what good is their to get back?


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for sharing - there is a lot of information to process in this post. One thing you mentioned that caught my attention - "I think I am too selfish for marriage, but I want to try again." Selfishness is the human condition, we all have it and we all have to overcome it. Not everyone expresses it the same way but it is there none-the-less.

There is one institution in existence that helps destroy selfishness - marriage! It is the day-in day-out monotony of life together that exposes selfishness in all its glory. When it appears, we have to choose to kill it or give in to it. The very high divorce rate in our world indicates that most people give in to it. Love is the process where we put the needs of our spouse above our own (killing selfishness).

There is help available. There are one-day marriage conferences, intensive weekends, and endless organizations which provide help for marriages. If you are serious about trying again then put action to your words, do the research and make practical suggestions to your husband on where you want to go and get help. He may or may not follow you but the fact that he is still present indicates a willingness to try.


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