# just turned my life inside out



## torn&troubled (Apr 2, 2011)

for 15 years we were married. When we met I told her I was concerned we didn't have much in common. SHe said that didn't matter much, we had plenty in common. We moved in together and a few years later got married.

Our daughter is 12 and a superstar kid. She has often asked me to promise I wouldn't leave mommy and I did promise.

For years there has been no friendship with my wife. No quality time and no affection. Those things don't mean much to her. And on my side, I didn't give enough compliments, didn't dedicate myself completely to the family, chores, etc. I guess those things don't mean enough to me, not in the way she wishes anyway.

She occasionally spoke very harshly and negatively about me in front of our daughter or loved ones. I learned to shut it out but gradually I came to resent her for it and hide from her. My marriage became just another job.

I felt that 99% of my happy life had absolutely nothing to do with her. She would say "I love you" to me, and I would think "what are you talking about?" but I would reflexively say "I love you too" because I was so afraid that the truth would be too painful. I was just hoping things would somehow get better as we got older.

But I knew that love and friendship was a failure for us. Would always be a failure. Sure, I tried counseling but she wouldn't go. Read books. But from her perspective, all problems were mine. I think she just needed a man to maintain outward appearances. Inside, she really dislikes me. It's OK, I like me. But it's a bummer to be around someone you know doesn't like you. I respect and admire her in many ways. It's just, I don't like her personally, and often wish I could be with someone I could call my friend.

Occasionally she would tell me that she expected we would separate as soon as our daughter went to college. At first this got me very depressed. I got over it but didn't adress it, instead I tried to ignore it, afraid of more depression. I know now that she told this to her friends too.

I disagreed with my wife about how to parent our daughter. But my wife had many criticisms of me as a parent. And my daughter seemed to echo those criticisms, so I came to think I am a bad parent, even though I do try hard and I think I am a good parent. I have been a great parent, actually, potentially a great one. My daughter used to say I was the best dad in the world. I always said she's the greatest kid in the world.

A crazy thing happened. We let some friends come stay in our house for a few months. The woman and I got along really well. I was so happy to have a friend. THen I fell in love with her and it got physical too. After a few months I came clean of it. My wife exploded with rage against the other woman, and against me. Immediately wanted a divorce, especially the money. To her, her life and our daughter's life are permanently destroyed. I know she is tremendously hurt, and I feel absolutely awful for what I did, I know it was a passively agressive move. But I was so afraid I would never find love again, so desperate was I for it, that I shut out my guilt while I was doing it. So did the other woman.

I was in a euphoric state with the other woman, fantasizing of a future with her, though we both knew it could not go anywhere, since we were both practically tied to our situations,
we were trying to keep it secret. We tried to end it multiple times but we could not.

Now I have been living in the garage down the driveway for 3 weeks.

When my wife was tormenting me over and over she demonized the other woman as a sinister husband-stealer, that if I ever made contact again I would basically not be able to see my daughter, who I love more than the world.

So I stopped contact with the other woman, I told her forever. It has been 2 weeks and it is a daily battle to not pick up the phone and call her. I don't know I wont do it tonight. Instead I try to call friends or my parents, who are all so loving to me, but one of these days I'm afraid there won't be anyone and I'll break down and call the other woman. I thought we had something so special, something once-in-a-lifetime, the answer to my longing for friendship, affection, committment, happiness. I still take refuge in those thoughts. I shut them out, and then I have dreams at night of being with her. Or nightmares where I turn away from her and then feel tremendous self-hatred for it.

But I know logically that all that really matters now is to try hard to maintain contact with my daughter, try to hold on to my job and do good work, and try to work on becoming a healthy individual. And strive for peace in a divorce process that threatens to break my hopeful spirit.

My daughter doesn't really want to see me now either. It's like they've teamed up against me. I don't blame her for needing safety with Mom. All her best freinds' parents got divorced this year, as a result of infidelity. It's like an epidemic. She is a great kid, but I worry her reaction is withdrawl and escape through TV, video, books, maybe some day something like drugs, for which I am deathly afraid for her. Got to find a way to reach her and be there to help her when she needs it, to show her the healthy way forward as a teen (like that's easy).

This absolutely sucks. I threw away my life. And now I had to discard the happiness I found in the affair too. There is too much damage to rebuild my marriage, I don't even want to be married to my wife anyways, the best outcome would still be unhappy. And the daughter who used to love me for 12.5 good years has now learned not to trust me, to stay away lest she get hurt again.

OOf. Don't know if I;m asking for sympathy here or what. I guess I hope if someone else knows what this is like, and they have any kind words or advice, I could sure use some.
thanks for reading


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## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

Not really any advice, certainly some kind words tho!

The only things that struck me is that you wife has obviously been brainwashing your daughter to hate you.....or thats the way your post read at least. I have a friend that isthe product of a broken home and her mother did the same.....hold out I know it must be so hard but the chances are that your daughter will eventually resent your wife because of it. I know my friend does, she's full of anger and resentment because of all the things her mum told her.


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## crusheddreams (Apr 6, 2011)

I would 2nd that about your daughter, been there as a kid, done that, got the t-shirt. spent my childhood (broken home) with my mum moaning about my dad every time I came back from seeing him. My sister actually refused to see my dad because of the brainwashing. Silver lining is thou that she made contact with him eventually and they get on great now & she regrets what she did.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This will not be a popular question I think and is a little out of character for me but is the other woman adamant about staying in her marriage.

I don't agree with cheating, in fact I hate it. I am slowing developing a less extreme view, although I think it is so wrong when you could have divorced. It would have been a more controlled end but what's done is done. There are sometimes mitigating circumstances in your case too much to ignore. You are suffering though so I am not going to pile on.

having another woman in the house was a bad move on you and your wife's part. Its like napalm on a dry bush, what were you two thinking. Maybe she was thinking, thinking you'd have an affair and she have the impetus to divorce.

Now your daughter, she is the most important person as you know. Keep never give up trying to connect with her. 

Can't you move out of the garage it sounds terribly depressing.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> When my wife was tormenting me over and over she demonized the other woman as a sinister husband-stealer,


 The marriage sounds like it had life threatening issues before this that you never dealt with.

I'm not really sure what your wife's issues with you were. Its not really clear from what you wrote why there was no friendship or happiness.

Hiding how you felt and not telling her you had issues did a ton of damage to the relationship.

Your wife did a ton of damage by not seeing her own issues in counseling.

There was really nowhere to go but down from where you guys were at. There is really no getting out of the pain that is to come. The only hope would be you BOTH would have to want to reconnect, forgive, and forge a new life together. The best outcome wouldn't be unhappy. You were unhappy for reasons that neither of you fixed, but it may be too late.

Outside of a miracle reconciliation (not impossible), there isn't much of anything you can do to lessen the hurt and fallout from the mess you guys made.

Move on and try to find happiness, but your wife is so hurt and spiteful and willing to brainwash your kid into hating that this is going to get ugly.

If you are religiously inclined, try to find solace in that.


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