# Are boundaries the same as ultimatums?



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

If you tell your spouse-

If you do this-(fill in the blank)

I will do this- (fill in the blank)

is that a boundary or an ultimatum?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's an ultimatum or a consequence to a stated boundary. That's not how I'd phrase the actual boundary though just the consequence part of it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Whether or not a boundary is an ultimatum depends on the specific consequence involved. Boundaries that result in ultimatums are usually disproportionate and poorly intended but sometimes a boundary that is consistently violated without regard to safety or hurtfulness becomes an ultimatum.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

So how do you state a boundary?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

A boundary is about you, not about them. A boundary is simply a statement of what you are or are not willing to tolerate and what you are willing to do to protect or assert yourself if circumstances don't change. 

My concept of ultimatums goes something like "if you ever XXX again, I'm going to YYY!" A boundary is more like "I am not okay with living with XXX behavior, if it continues I will have to take action YYY." It requires a bit more thought and a change of perspective.

An example might be "I am not comfortable with bills being paid late or not at all. If they can't be caught up and managed within 2 months, I will take over paying them every month"

But then you have to do it....that's usually much harder that stating your boundary


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A boundry is what you will or will not tolorate and the consequences for when those boundries are crossed.

You have the control to establish your boundries, boundries are the wall you put up to protect your emotions from getting stepped on. When they are stepped on you have the control to dish out the consequences.

Boundries are for your self. Utimatums are for some one elses to deside.

"I will no longer share my wife and if it continues I will leave"

or

"I will no longer tolorate your drink and if it continues I will leave


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

anony2 said:


> Are boundaries the same as ultimatums?


Only if your spouse knows you will back them up with action!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

anony2 said:


> So how do you state a boundary?


It really does depend on what the boundary's purpose is.


Take abuse as an example, say a wife who's just been hit for the first time by her husband. A boundary would be something like "Do that one more time and I will leave you". Or "That's the first and last time you'll ever hit me. Leave now, stay away from me or I will call the police and I will take out a restraining order on you". Or "If you don't go to anger management classes I will leave you".


The above are boundaries of intolerance, designed to stop further abuse. But by the time it's become necessary to raise these boundaries and declare the ultimatums things have got pretty bad, maybe there's been a history of abuse.


The really interesting thing to note is what does the person do once they've been told of the boundary and the consequences (ultimatum) if they break it.

If it's a boundary designed to prevent further abuse (like the husband hitting his wife) and the person just continues with the abuse then you know two things for certain (1) the abuser cannot/will not self control their abusive behaviour and (2) exactly what your future is should you stay with them.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

A boundary can be as simple as you telling your spouse that you're not ok with something.

Your spouse curses you.

"I'm not ok with that language"

That's not an ultimatum - but you clearly don't feel you're being treated well and you're standing up for yourself.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Thanks for asking. I'm trying to learn boundaries too.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

anony2 said:


> So how do you state a boundary?


My humble suggestion would be to state your boundaries using statements that start with "I" like:

"I would ask ..."
"I feel ..."
"I need ..."
"I don't like ..."
"I'm hurt ..."

Threatening heavy consequences for something you never mentioned before puts your spouse on the defensive and can create conflict out of misunderstanding


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

to me a boundary is stating what you can and can't deal with and providing reasons for why so the person understands you.

an ultimatum is a statement with a consequence or even a threat attached.

either you stop leaving the toilet seat up or i'm going to pee on your head. <---ultimatum.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It may just be wordsmithing, but I look at an ultimatum as something like:

"If you don't do this. I will do this.", as in

"If you don't stop seeing that other woman, I will leave."

Boundaries I think are softer(?). Again, wordsmithing?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

would it be reasonable to say boundaries are ultimatums where the consquences/threat is left unsaid?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

anony2 said:


> If you tell your spouse-
> 
> If you do this-(fill in the blank)
> 
> ...


IMO, that is very much an ultimatum. Boundaries, on the other hand, are guidelines that allow others to know what we find acceptable and unacceptable behaviour around and towards us. They are, usually, predicated by our beliefs, experiences, core values and define us as individuals.

I would define an ultimatum as a reaction to someone who continues to over-step our boundaries and our need to let them know that they have reached the limit with what we are prepared to tolerate.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I would define an ultimatum as a reaction to someone who continues to over-step our boundaries and our need to let them know that they have reached the limit of what we are prepared to tolerate.


:iagree: this! perfectly stated.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Definitions:

Ultimatum - demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified time period and is backed by a threat to be followed through if the action isn't done. (This would be like saying I've had enough with your drinking. If you don't quit within a reasonable length of time to YOU then I'm leaving).

Consequence: a result or effect of an action or condition. (In marriage this would be like choosing not to wake your spouse up when they continue to oversleep - enabling - and they have to face the consequences of that by dealing with an irate boss).

Boundaries: These are your personal rules and guidelines. What you are or or not okay with. If someone continually violates your boundaries then you have to deal with that. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed in harsher situations like with a WS. Sometimes you just enforce it yourself - if I need space and my spouse is needy I can just leave, lock the door, etc. Sometimes you enlist other strategies. It just depends on the boundary.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Not really. An ultimatum involves some sense of finality. A consequence can be as simple as not responding to someone who doesn't ask politely


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

An ultimatum is the last warning before the consequence for crossing a boundary is enforced.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Is there any difference between these two things;

1) If you do X, then I will do Y.

2) if you dont stop doing X, then I will do Y.

Is one of these a boundary and the other an ultimatum? Because they look to be effectively the same thing.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

If this is about your marriage maybe googling "the 10 laws of boundaries" can give you some insight.I think they're from the book,Boundaries In Marriage.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can't tell you how much I struggled with this same question! 

In my early recovery from various types of abuse and while coping with an active alcoholic husband, I learned about setting boundaries, and when I used what I learned, it often was seen by the other party as an ultimatum. 

It did not necessarily have to have anything "final" about the consequence for it to be hurled back at me. "Stop trying to control me!" "Don't give me ultimatums!" 

My personal conclusion is that they're really the same thing, to whatever degree, and that arguing over the words is just a semantic game that gets in the way of resolving anything. 

However, I did learn something that's proved important along the way.... 

If someone is likely to hear it as threatening if I tell them what I plan to do in response to a boundary violation, I can keep it to myself and just show the action if it becomes necessary. It saves a lot of arguing. 

I have an obligation to say what my boundary is, but that's all. How I respond is 100% my decision, and 100% my duty to myself - and nobody else.


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