# What would you do?



## MomToThreeKids (Oct 30, 2011)

This is my first time to ever post to a forum and I really don't know what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Been married over 23 years and now considering a divorce. H has cheated at least four times previously (that I know of), has had issues with alcohol, overeating, porn before. Most recently, it's gambling. 

We took care of an elderly family member until his death in 2009. H didn't deal with his death and became depressed. H then began gambling more than ever before - and wasn't working. We were self-employed for many years and due to the tough economy, most contracts were lost.

It recently came to light H had been using company funds from a partnership with three others to support his addiction. The partners offered a sealed judgement for H so to avoid theft/embezzlement charges. H refused to sign.

Now, the partners are filing felony theft charges against H (they thought enough of me to give me a heads-up so I could protect myself, for which I'm grateful) and I am so bewildered, I often times don't know which way is up. 

We live in a community property state and I am known in our town for my business. I am consulting with an attorney next week as to my liability when H is charged. I am afraid I will be guilty by association with H and will lose my ability to practice my profession.

H has put us in such a predicament with everything - house is in foreclosure, his car was repossed, constant calls from creditors and our three children (ages 21, 19, and 15) don't want anything to do with him. H has taken $$ from them and from me.

I know I should leave H due to the ongoing moral issues, however I know he's sick (addiction) and his behavior is extremely unpredictable. I suspect he's bipolar - has major mood swings in short spans. 

I guess it all comes down to being afraid: afraid of the unknown, afraid of what will happen to me/kids if I stay, afraid of what will happen if I DON'T stay, and afraid of what he'll do when I leave.

I apologize for the long post - I wanted to give background. I appreciate your advice tremendously!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hubby is purely selfish is his choices, yet wants deal with none of the consequences.

At this point with him still refusing to get a fire hose despite the house burning down, I would say you should divorce him to protect you and the family.

Maybe if after the divorce he finally seeks help and therapy for his demons you could see if you interested in an R. But he has to really reform before he would be worthy of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Let's look at his history. 4 affairs without serious consequences, alcohol and now gambling. 

Everytime he was able to get away with it. Each time he got away with it, he got bolder. He was so deluded that he turned down a generous offer of his partners. He thought he can get away with it like the many previous times.

Where is the line in the sand for you? What do you want?

What is your comfort level with his behavior? From your writeup it appears to be very high.

But, since you asked, I think you should not fear the unknown which is easier said than done. Couldnt be worse than what you are going through now.

Dont keep enabling him. It just drags you down as you probably know by now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

MomToThreeKids said:


> I know I should leave H due to the ongoing moral issues, however I know he's sick (addiction) and his behavior is extremely unpredictable. I suspect he's bipolar - has major mood swings in short spans.


His problems are self-induced. You're actually encouraging his addiction by making excuses for him.

I bet his mood swings will go away if he's able to maintain a higher moral standards.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I agree, you are enabling him. Honestly, doesn't sound like bipolar to me. Sounds more BPD.
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MomToThreeKids said:


> I suspect he's bipolar - has major mood swings in short spans.


Mom, welcome to the TAM forum. I am so sorry to hear you are going through such an awful ordeal. I agree with Pidge that the behavior you describe is more likely to be attributable to strong BPD traits than bipolar. I say this based on my 15 years of experience of taking care of a BPDer exW and bipolar foster son. Pidge and I are bringing this to your attention because, unlike bipolar, BPD is not something that can be managed by swallowing a pill. 

This is so because BPD does not result from temporary swings in body chemistry. Rather, it typically arises from permanent damage done to the person's emotional core before age five. Strong BPD traits therefore take several years in therapy -- at a minimum -- for a person to learn how to manage them. Moreover, although excellent treatment programs are available, it is rare for a person having such strong traits to be sufficiently self aware -- and have sufficient ego strength -- to remain in treatment long enough to make a real change in behavior.

A second difference between the two disorders is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD temper tantrums typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). This is significant because you mention that his mood changes are "short." 

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. 

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

Finally, a sixth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will. Yet, despite these six clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. The primary source of this confusion seems to be the fact that a significant portion of BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder. 

I therefore suggest that you read about the nine BPD traits to see if most of them sound familiar to you. An easy place to start is my description of them in Blacksmith's thread. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. If that discussion rings a bell, I would recommend you see a clinical psychologist -- on your own for a few sessions -- to confirm your suspicions. Meanwhile, Pidge and I are available to try to answer your questions about such traits and to point you to good online resources.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

BPD'ers also engage in high risk behavior. Promiscuity, drugs/alcohol and/or gambling/spending.
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