# truth is out: Now how to cope



## elliptical6 (Jul 2, 2013)

Married 17 years have 6 kids. Sex has always been a big issue for me. My husband never wanted it for a million reasons: fear of pregnancy, too tired, headaches, stress from work, stress from unemployment....you name it. He even had a vasectomy claiming that would help....its even worse now. He says maybe he has low testosterone but Im not buying it because he masturbates frequently.

Recently we attempted sex together but stopped, without a word, because neither of us felt right and it was so awkward. Oh, how lonely that felt. Quietly we just rolled to our respective sides of the bed. He fell asleep immediately. I left the room, paced the halls, and cried.

The next morning, I told him it had to stop and he needed to get honest with me. 

He admitted that he loves me, but he is less attracted to me now because I only got bigger after each of my kids and never recovered (truly I am 250lbs). He coupled that with saying he has been very turned off over the years as I have verbalized how much I hate myself/my appearance which has made him believe it, too.

He is no saint in this....its a VERY complicated catch 22. However, this doesnt change what I did/how I acted. So now here I am, knowing we have lived silently for years, like a good brother and sister do....or maybe even best friends...all because of me and my self perceptions.

MY QUESTION: How do I cope living with him in the same house feeling the utter rejection of being unattractive. I dont know how to recover from this humiliation. Of course Ive always known I could do better for myself...but there never seemed to be time. My husband just works works works and raising 6 kids by myself (or even one or two kids) is exhausting most days. Even during times where he had long layoffs he found reasons for avoidance. I should have tried harder, I know....but his lack of presence in our lives gave me latitude to put it on the backburner...why get cleaned up and go throught the effort when he always has an excuse for why there is no time? This is the part that makes me seethe.....

My heart is constantly in my throat. I can avoid him for a time as he works over 70 hours a week and is rarely around much....but the pain....its staggering.

We dont talk much. I have made an appointment with someone for myself to deal with moving forward but I have to wait until Monday. The thought of having to be present here with him (especially with the holiday weekend coming up and he will have a miraculous 4 days....NEVER happens) makes my stomach turn. I feel ashamed, ugly, and angry all at once. Even in the BEST of cases...with behavioral therapy, intense and painful self reflection and a serious workout regimen....IM looking at 6 months before any noticeable differences......

And that is 6 months full of days where I have to go to bed telling myself Im one step closer to making my husband love me again. Just typing that seems sick and breaks my heart. Does he, in turn, have to "face" 6 months full of days where he has to go to bed telling himself his gross wife is one step closer to being more acceptable? 

I am so sad. I just keep crying and am not very functional for the kids, but must keep silent for I would never want them to know. 

How do I cope? How do I hold my head up and change these feelings of worthlessness that he states have contributed to his lack of intimacy with me....when his perception of me contributes greatly to those very same feelings?? 

I should mention, as it seems relevant, that last year he had to leave the state for work. He was gone about 3 months. As time went on he failed to contact me much at all, usally texting me a "how was your day"...However, I was successful in my weight loss efforts and managed to drop about 28 pounds. When he came home it became very difficult for me to maintain my self control. I think Im lonlier when he's around.

Im so lost. Any advice/thoughts?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Do you want to lose the weight? IMO his opinion in this is relevant, but what truly matters is how you feel about yourself. You could do exactly what he wants you to do and he will still not be attracted to you. Then what? Personally I think he blames you because it's easier than to admit HE also has a problem. It definitely does take two to get to where you are.


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## elliptical6 (Jul 2, 2013)

Yes, of course Id like to be smaller. To be fair, I have made negative comments about my appearance in our marriage. He stressed this being as much of a problem as my physical weight. He also told me I had to change for me, not for him....I do not believe he wants to force me into anything....I just know nothing will get better unless I DO....and you are right.....I have no reason to believe, based on past experiences, that even if I make it happen there wont be some OTHER reason he comes up with.

He wasnt a complete jerk. I asked him to tell me the truth so I put myself in the position to hear his response. I promised I wouldnt be angry. I underestimated how much it would hurt.

I just dont understand how to move on now and make things right. No matter how healthy I can build my self esteem, I will always know he wasnt attracted to me. The humiliation alone is horrible. Due to other circumstances I did not outline, I have reason to believe he never really loved me in "that way" from the beginning, though he claims it isnt true.

I just think he is ashamed to admit he really only thinks of me as a very loyal, trusted friend....and we have built a life. Neither of us can see to throw it all away...there are other people involved, kids......but I just dont know how to do it. I dont know how to keep going. I want him to go away or me to go away....neither of which is possible.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

elliptical6 said:


> Yes, of course Id like to be smaller. To be fair, I have made negative comments about my appearance in our marriage. He stressed this being as much of a problem as my physical weight. He also told me I had to change for me, not for him....I do not believe he wants to force me into anything....I just know nothing will get better unless I DO....and you are right.....I have no reason to believe, based on past experiences, that even if I make it happen there wont be some OTHER reason he comes up with.
> 
> He wasnt a complete jerk. I asked him to tell me the truth so I put myself in the position to hear his response. I promised I wouldnt be angry. I underestimated how much it would hurt.
> 
> ...



If you aren't willing to walk away from him then all you have left is to endure.

I suggest finding a therapist to help you navigate through this. One day your kids will be gone, and if you are feeling this down and lonely now, imagine how much worse it will be when you don't have them to occupy your time. He's not going to change who he is. He told you how he feels, now it's up to you to do something with that info.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Please don't do this thinking he will feel differently about you. That may or may not ever happen. Absolutely do it for yourself. And never comment negatively about yourself around him. Journal if you feel you must express it. Complaining without the effort of fixing is not a good road to take.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't make any mention of joint marriage counseling. Has that been explored?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Of course it is hard to hear from him. What is his fitness level? 
And what makes you think he never loved you? 
When he was away is it possible he had an affair? Or is having one now? 
That could be a big reason for him to lose interest.


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## elliptical6 (Jul 2, 2013)

@PB- I worried about joint counseling. My husband is quiet. He NEVER talks to me about serious stuff...its all kids, money, job....but if I try to get deep with him (especially concerning us) he is tired, has a headache or just agrees with me, tells me Im right about everything and he will try harder. I dont want him to "obey" me! I just want an honest dialogue. I am afraid a joint session will A) result in the therapist choosing sides. If he "sides" with me, my husband will be embarassed and refuse to talk or continue. If he "sides" with him, my husband will assume its my problem and cease to be a part of the plan. OR B) Our counselor will suggest separation or divorce as a viable option and Im terrified if he gets that thought in his head he would run with it. He has always been one to choose the easiest possible route--usually by avoidance--

Im not saying those are good things, or even that Im right...its why Im afraid. He said he would go to counseling, but has since decided that he told me about my problems he doesnt need to.

@diwali-- He has always been fit since he is a carpenter. However, he has openly complained about the gut he has developed since he started his new job about 7 months ago. He is unhappy about this, but he is still thinner than me. I do not believe he is having an affair, mostly because of the timeline and his paychecks but Ive thought of it. I also think he is too shy and/or lazy to do this. 

Finally, I think he may have never loved me because I met my husband when I was 18 and became pregnant within two weeks. My parents insisted on a wedding (which I called off). But he eventually began to ask me to marry him on his own. I suspect it was because he "wanted to do the right thing". Case in point: We got married by a justice of the peace on a saturday, we went home and watched a movie. He fell asleep. End of story. Happy Honeymoon. THIS is how long his lack of interest has been. 

I see people posting how they and their husbands looked at old photos of themselves doing things early in their relationship to rekindle that spark.....but I never had one. At least, I THOUGHT I did, but as I look back I realize it wasnt there. I have no pictures of us doing stuff. The rare picture of me is usually with one of the children.

He came home today and talked to me like nothing had happened yesterday. I left for a walk after dinner came home and showered. he went to bed without saying goodnight. He has been doing this for months now. Im such an afterthought.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had exactly the same problem. Diet and exercise helped. I was 21 stone in weight at one time...

Good luck with your journey to lose some weight!:smthumbup:


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

In this sort of situation I think the only thing to do is become assertive and take action.

I'm sure there are many factors that caused you to gain weight, OP, and also many factors that caused you to lose your self-esteem, but whatever those factors are it's time to take control of the situation and do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself again.

Work out an action plan to lose weight and exercise. Chat to your doctor and / or perhaps join a slimming clinic for support. Also, look at your hobbies and interests... Do you have time for outside interests that give you a sense of personal achievement? These are all self-esteem boosting things that can become neglected during child rearing, if we're not careful.

If you take control of the things that you can change, who knows what might follow? Above all, stop the negative self-talk, OP, and be kind to yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Being overweight sucks because it really does hold you back from a lot of life. And like it or not, it does affect his people react to you.



The good news is it really impossible to loose it. Diet and exercise help many, while others need temporary help from drugs or surgery. It can be done, and its up to you to choose or not.

I'm not trying to guilt you into it, instead in saying its in your power if you really do choose to do it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

So he started off not being interested in sex with you and now he's blaming it on your weight. 
I know that it is a factor for some people. It is a valid emotional need for some people to have a spouse that is attractive to them. 
However I am sensing that this is a lot more to do with his general lack of investment in your marriage and he is blaming your weight. 
The fact that he barely contacted you while he was gone says a lot. 
I have seen many posts on here from people who are upset or turned off by their spouses weight. But then they say they are still best friends, love them so much. He just seems completely disconnected.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> In this sort of situation I think the only thing to do is become assertive and take action.
> 
> I'm sure there are many factors that caused you to gain weight, OP, and also many factors that caused you to lose your self-esteem, but whatever those factors are it's time to take control of the situation and do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself again.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is it.

Work on your self like you would when becoming attractive for another man.

Either he picks it up, and comes to you, or he doesn't and then you move to have someone else find the new you attractive!

Don't bother about analyzing and guilt. Bother about your new path of action.


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## devinakbv (Jul 2, 2013)

It definitely does take two to get to where you are.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

It does sound like the weight issue is an excuse and your husband is unable to deal with intimacy.

Time to focus on yourself, your health and your future- for your kids and for you- regardless of your husband.

Here are two fantastic programs designed by physicians: PCRM | Kickstart Programs

The McDougall Maximum Weight Loss Diet

Going plant-based (potatoes, rice, beans, grains, fruits, vegetables) will not only cause you to lose weight but dramatically reduce your chance of getting several chronic diseases (not to mention saving animals from terrible suffering and lowering your carbon footprint by over 90%).


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> It does sound like the weight issue is an excuse and your husband is unable to deal with intimacy.
> 
> Time to focus on yourself, your health and your future- for your kids and for you- regardless of your husband.
> 
> ...


.....:scratchhead:.....

I thought everybody was Low Carb nowadays?

All the modern age diseases were introduced with the advent of agriculture. The couple of original cultures examined in the 20th century that were living on stone age diets were the reason to advocate the Paleo Diet and Atkins Diet, the Warrior Diet and some more.

After heavy battles over decades these days the sugar and carb contents of our food are now seen as the cause of the many chronic diseases you mention.

And ofcourse the industrial produced foods of all kinds.

I would like not to start a discussion over this in this thread, but I think the OP needs to know there are very large other views on the subject, so she can inform herself about this if she wants.


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