# Help! Opinions please from man and woman. Sex is gone.



## mistayim (Aug 12, 2010)

Hello,

(sorry for the length of post to start)

I am hoping someone can shed some light on what I am going through and maybe give me a better idea on how I should be reacting.

My Wife and I had our first child 9 weeks ago. Amazing experience. However since the "6 week your ok" mark there has been nothing. No sex, no nothing. Even at times no physical contact at all. 

I am very aware of the "touched out" feeling she has. Her post pregnancy body issues etc. Very aware and I have done my best to assure her she is very beautiful. I have suggested a date night, tried being romantic and sentual with her, but nothing. If you include the pregnancy we have had sex maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 11 months.

I am not trying to be selfish and I am giving her distance and really not trying to force the issue. However when i have tried to politely explain my feelings and needs it turns into a major issue. So I don't bother now. All there is now is tension.

I know she is tired after taking care of our child all day. I am really trying to be a good understanding husband. But I am really starting to feel physically frustrated. 

She seems to think we are going to have a second child, but I sort of laugh inside because you need to have sex to do that? Well... maybe not?

Recently she was upset one morning because the baby had been up most of the night. (We currently do not sleep together). She was explaingin how difficult it is going to be because the baby is sleeping in the bed with her. I suggested alternative options i.e. bassinet, but she shot down my ideas as if I was an idiot. So in return I said fine, whatever and she began a torrent which involved her making obscene gestures and saying "this is all you want". "Thats all you care about!". I had not even brought the subject up. (sex)

As I mentioned before I am fully aware of the postpartum issues and time when it comes to sex. However what I have not mentioned is that similar issues occured before the pregnancy. Before we would have sex 3 times a week, but when there was none this same sort of tension and arguments would occur.

I guess what I need to know from people is what their opinions and experiences have been. I do not believe that there is any danger to my marriage yet. So should I suck it up for a while? Should I possibly write a letter to avoid any argument? Will she come around? Help =)


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sounds to me like she is having a hard time finding the balance between her roles as a mom and as a wife. That isn't too unusual. You said that you don't sleep in the same bed anymore, so I am betting that closeness is an issue. She needs to feel close to you to want to do anything sexual. Honestly, when my kids were babies, there was a lot of afternoon-the-kids-are-napping sex. 

Honestly, I am hoping one of the guys will chime in here, because I didn't let the babies sleep in the bed with me, so I got nothing for that one.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Give her some more time. and do not have the conversation about lack of sex in the bedroom while she has the baby sitting right there. That conversation dynamic will never go in your favor.

At 9 weeks out from birth she is WAY in the mommy zone. Your interests and needs are like a thimble of water compared to the baby's bottomless pit.

That said, you need to get the pressure off her. I can tell that every time she sees you she knows you want sex. Whether or not you bring it up directly, she feels it. But she does not feel like having sex--it would be just one more chore for her at this point.

So maybe you can have a conversation that relieves that pressure from her. Tell her you know she is under a lot of strain adjusting to having a baby. Yes, you are adjusting too, but you did not have most of the last year lugging around a watermelon inside you, get drowned in hormones, and become a broodmare (in effect).

The biggest thing you need now is patience. 

Maybe you ought to do things to relieve her burden--domestic chores, etc.

And tell her how proud you are of her. And if she's responsive to those things? Even then tell her SHE will know when the time is right. So you will check in with her in a month (a month filled with your attentions that enhance her life), how she is doing in that department.

And if she is not ready? Not the time to slam the hammer down.

Up your game. Be patient.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I can't speak on the post delivery kind of thing because all my kids were adopted. However I find it strange that the baby is in the same bed as your wife. Why did she think that your suggestion for a bassinet was out of line? I think baby in the bed is more out of line.

I'd try the approach of slowly getting physical with your wife. Hand-holding, arm around the shoulder, light kisses... just ease back into intimacy.


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Umm ....

After our first child, we returned to having sexual contact immediately. The night we brought him home from the hospital (she initialed - I wasn't expecting it) - oral, because she was a bit a sore to begin with.

So, certainly it's quite possible to be sexually active with a very new baby. It may be unusual (I don't know the statistics) but it's certainly possible.

Having the baby in bed was something we did rarely - and certainly not instead of one of us. What we did for the first few months (when feeding was not entirely regular) was to have the cot with one side off, right against the bed - baby in the cot, could be brought into the bed for a feed/cuddle, and put back again when asleep.

Exluding either partner from the bed is, I think, a bad idea. I used to cuddle the baby in bed sometimes, before putting him (actually, each of them - we have three) back into the cot. Or if they wouldn't settle, but didn't need feeding, I would walk up and down the hall carrying them while my wife got some sleep. How can you share in the night-time duties if you're excluded?

Obviously, you have to be very sensitive to her needs and emotions, and post-partum can be a sensitive time (hormonally, emotionally, physically)...
... but - a mother is is also a lover, and hopefully she will recognise that soon. It does a child no favours for either parent to focus on the child to the exclusion of the spouse. The best thing parents can do for a child is to love each other. How you help her to see that, I don't know.


----------



## mistayim (Aug 12, 2010)

Thanks for the replies.
DawnD - We have been sleeping in seperate beds most nights especially during the work week. Originaly I would take care of my daughter to allow Mom some sleep. Then I would give my wife the baby around 2 and crash while she would have to wake up for feedings. since then my wife has decided to take the baby to bed with her, forgoing the initial 4 hours she would get when I kept her. Now what was our bed seems more like hers and I am relegated to the spare room. I have made it clear I do not like sleeping apart, her response is "well fine if you want to be all tired for work, I don't care?"


----------



## mistayim (Aug 12, 2010)

michzz - Thanks fro your reply. I find it interesting about the part where you say everytime she see's me she knows I want it, even if I don't. Very interesting. As for everything else, I have bent over backwards since my baby was born and taken up everything I could. I cook, clean, laundry, groceries and all the regular stuff I would normaly do. I have almost gotten to the point where I feel like all I have done is worthless and what is the point. But I understand that maybe I am trying too early


----------



## mistayim (Aug 12, 2010)

Rags - Thanks for the reply. I have really started feeling out of the loop because of the sleeping situation.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

The sleeping thing -- I was AD Army until my youngest was 2. My oldest was 4 when I got out. If I can endure nights of taking care of baby and getting up at 5am to go to PT and not get off of work until 6pm to go home and take care of baby all over again, then being woke up by your wife tending to her shouldn't be that big a deal. With each kid my H was deployed for most of their first year, so I got to do the single parent thing both times, and the second time was with 2 kids. It takes an adjustment. But it most certainly can be done. That's when you learn to rotate on the weekends so you both get your sleep in. You should also be rotating to the gym when you can, because she will need something active to make her even out. 

Take her up on it. Heck, if you have to put the crib in your room just to get some closeness back with your wife, seems worth it to me!!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

mistayim said:


> michzz - But I understand that maybe I am trying too early


It might not be too early for some women, but she is your wife, an individual.

Easy to say be patient, far more than to actually be patient.


----------



## mistayim (Aug 12, 2010)

Thanks again for the replies...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why did you almost never have sex during the pregnancy? That is a far bigger red flag than the past 9 weeks. 




mistayim said:


> Thanks again for the replies...


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

In general, the husband's level of marital satisfaction is at its lowest level following the birth of the first child, exceeded only by the even lower level after the birth of the second child. And these days, with fertility drugs widely available, you only need to have sex once or twice at the most.

Anyway, you've accomplished your #1 goal with a healthy kid in hand and being cared for. I would never discourage you from contributing, but don't go overboard thinking that it will help you out in the future because life is not always that fair. Being able to document performing an equal share of child care responsibilities can be very helpful establishing your custody rights if things should unfortunately get that far out of control.

This is a very difficult time for couples and you may find yourself having to make some hard decisions. Just make sure you remember what is most important to you and don't let it get away.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

A needy, complaining man hoping to pick up a scrap here or a scrap there of his woman's affection is not very appealing to a woman.

To compound this with the extra demands and stress of the new child is double trouble.

The solution is very simple to prescribe but it will take the changes to your part to see it through.

And if you want to make the situation worse, and become even more desperate and starved for attention, go ahead and write a letter listing your complaints. 

But I would rather see you take the course that will instead lead to happiness and success, I hope you would as well!

The solution is just this, become the leader in your happiness, do not be content to sit in the background and wait for your woman to toss you scraps.

Here are some suggestions to start:

1. Pay attention to what needs to be done at home even with the new child now, and see that you yourself do these things. 

This stone kills two birds, taking the load to keep fatigue from become an excuse of course, but also showing leadership will begin repairing the hole in the dam that is draining all respect for you from your womans eyes. 

And this is important. If you try this giving the attitude to "help your wife" in the effort to be rewarded for sex, do not expect success. 

Instead, do these things with the attitude flowing from "It is my responsibility to see these tasks complete" and do not let your emotion rise or fall on whether you are appreciated or not. 

In fact, in all things do in just this way, out of the leadership of your own direction, and do not play tit for tat and be blown like the wind hinging on whether your woman approves of you or not. 

Your woman is not blind, she will notice the difference, whether your efforts are a thin veil to beg for sex, or genuinely stepping up to the plate.

2. The child out of the bed immediately.

I cannot imagine how weak it must make you look in your womans eyes to see her man willing to lose his place by her side to this new child. 

Do not worry if you upset her, she is not wanting to be married to the mouse, so to say, but a man. Make her proud of the man that desires to share her bed, and not ashamed!

Even so, there are many reasons to get the child into their own sleeping arrangement. Safety, peace, privacy, as well as not setting the pattern of habit that the child may be in your place for months and even years!

This is where to start, in simple things but most importantly, a big change in your attitude to begin refilling the respect, and then attraction, that is missing to you in your woman's eyes.

I wish you well.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Whoa. . .wait a minute. . .I know I have been guilty of this too. . .when you are wrapped in divorce, you start to kind of have your world skewed like this but there is no reason to document anything, how much chores you do and all that in case there is a divorce.

You and your wife are still way into "normal zone" for this and I think the forum is right to default to the wife on this and chalk it up to post-partum stress. 

Now. . .you need some amount of "boundaries" on this - so. . .how much? And not a vague, fence-sitting answer like, "Well, however long it takes", right?

I would say 6 months to 12 months to give you a range. And tha'ts to get back to "normal." After that, you can explore the need for intervention (medical, psychological, legal) if things don't return to normal.

I'm not sure. . .being a guy and never being pregnant but I imagine there may be a level of anxiety too about returning to sex after all the pain that happened down there. Maybe the women can speak of it. . .the balance of testosterone and other hormones that make you horny and balancing that with the fear, "Is this going to hurt?" But I think that, along with fatigue, is what your wife is going through.

And there is a biological reason for this too. . .I am not sure human women were meant to be have babies so close together.

Think about if she got pregnant 9 weeks later after delivering. 

2 babies 11 months apart? Can you imagine?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BBW's plan is Certainly worth a try if only for your own personal good. Myself, I let all three of our kids sleep with us for a time and they still visit occasionally. I personally feel that this helped me create a more concrete emotional bond with each of them. Because of the very real possibility that I will be raising them by myself, at least part time, I want to be sure we are strongly together.

In fact, at 5:30AM my wife will get up and leave for her gym and starting about 6:00 the kids will straggle in and lay in her place. Sadly, this will probably be the most emotionally gratifying moment of my day.


----------

