# Why does ex lie so much?



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Some of you may recall my story... waw left me early 2013. I did the 180 and got a divorce before the year was over. Doing my best to maintain an amicable relationship with her in the best interest of the kids.

Thing is, this is not always easy. What is really getting on my nerves is her lying frequently. To me, to my mum who takes care of the kids after school. I told her this before because i feel it's undermining the necessary trust between us.

Example. Last week my son phoned her because he needed some of his school stuff that were still at her house. No problem, she was gonna drop it off as she was gonna ride my horse anyway that night.

She shows up in a dress, i ask her with a smile, you gonna ride in that?? She says no, girl "F", who rides my horse frequently as well, is gonna ride tonight already. I say ok and leave it at that.

Later that night, i text F to check if everything went well and if the horses hooves were ok. F responds, she didn't ride at all...

I text ex, wth and stop lying fgs. Turns out she was with her bf and she said i had no business with what she does in her spare time. That much is true but why did she fell compelled to lie about things? Id rather she would have told me nothing. Or the truth. Or a simple "plans have changed".

It is like, since the divorce, open season to lie about anything and i should just take it. Well, it does nothing but piss me off. Which is no good for our "amicable relationship".

Is this typical behaviour for an ex or what am i missing???


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Many times people lie because they feel guilty, your ex obviously didn't want to say she was going with her boyfriend so she just lied about it. 

The trick is to cut them out of your life as much as possible, less contact equals more piece of mind for you and makes it easier to not give a crap about their actions. 

If you have shared ownership in the horse I suggest selling it (or them). She is your ex, why should she enjoy any benefits of your life? My WAW tried the same crap, leaving the horses (and kids) with me but still coming to ride when she wanted. First time I looked out there and saw her boyfriend (we were still married but separated) I threw them out and gave her two weeks to get the horses out or I would sell them. 

There's a line you need to draw, being amicable doesn't mean being friends or letting yourself be taken advantage of, she left, that means she also left behind any perks of being married to you.


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Many times people lie because they feel guilty, your ex obviously didn't want to say she was going with her boyfriend so she just lied about it.
> 
> The trick is to cut them out of your life as much as possible, less contact equals more piece of mind for you and makes it easier to not give a crap about their actions.
> 
> ...


Of course you are right.

The horse isn't a problem though. She got rid of hers after the divorce, now she's riding mine but the difference is she pays me for it. Just like F does or any other person would have to do.

Anyway, limiting contact more as i do now doesn't seem possible... kids you know.

Interesting remark about the possible correlation between lies and feeling guilty... don't know how it adds up -i have my gf for over a year now and didn't lie about her or kept her a secret- so i will give it some thought. Doesn't exactly count as an excuse but it may be a mitigating circumstance somehow


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You need to stop shooting for “amicable”.
Chances are she is the one who pushed for the term and wanted to be buddies with you.
It’s just a passive way to keep you under thumb.


Ex is Ex for a reason. She doesn’t get to share your life anymore.
A lot of people preach that there is value in being friends after a divorce.
I say that’s crap.
It didn’t work out. It didn’t survive.
Why are you teaching your children that you should hang on afterwards?
All you are teaching them is to be semi-attached and that’s “okay”.
Teach them instead to stand on their own, and drop people who treat you like crap like a hot rock.

People these days rarely think about the long term in their actions. Seems like everything is about what they can get right now. 
My ex swore up and down that she was teaching her daughters “to pursue a better life”.
When I countered with her actually teaching them to run from commitment and that people and relationships were disposable…she got quite upset.

Take your actions and look at them from 20 years in the future.
Are you REALLY teaching your children a core value by being “amicable”?
Or are you just teaching them to “roll over and be a good boy”?

Screw amicable.
Shoot for total neutral.
…and FGS why are you letting her ride your horse?

She wants to ride something tell her to go find her boyfriend.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not going to defend lying but at the same time you shouldn't be digging into her business, which you know you subtlely were with the dress comment. Don't play games like that. Her life is no longer your business so keep it to kid business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

LOL Jack... I remember your " buddy thread" so i can see where this is coming from 

I agree that neutral is good though. What i need to preserve is a working relationship for the kids sakes. She seems to want that too. That's why i don't get the lying about seemingly minor things because lies can undermine any relationship. It's like with colleagues at work... you don't have to be friends with them but without some trust it's hard to collaborate.

So why willingly harm that trust by lying?

Ps: loved your ex's take on the long term lesson in all of her crap. Classic. Loved your response even better :smthumbup:


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not going to defend lying but at the same time you shouldn't be digging into her business, which you know you subtlely were with the dress comment. Don't play games like that. Her life is no longer your business so keep it to kid business.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

If a stranger had said they were going to ride that night, but ended up not doing so, would you have been this offended? I think you may still have too much emotional attachment to your ex-wife. Her being a liar shouldn't bother you as much as it clearly does. That you are angry means that she can still get to you. You're still looking for more from her than she's willing/able to give and so are angry when she "fails" to live up to what you want/expect. 

Amicable doesn't mean friendly, it means socially polite. I'm a somewhat public figure in my small town, so I'm amicable with all sorts of people I can't stand, don't trust, and wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. All that's really required is that you cultivate a decent level of apathy. You need more apathy.


----------



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

My ex lies all the time. "Work" is always a great excuse for not completing a task. That was also his excuse during his affairs.

I agree that some of the lies told to me are because of guilt, others are just pure laziness.

I get furious when a lie is told to my daughter. I am used to hearing them and really dont trust anything he says but I get my "Irish" up when lies are told to my daughter.

"work" was the excuse last night for missing a school event. 

I am guilty of still having emotional attachment to my ex but getting better everyday. I dont expect anything from him any longer.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Rowan said:


> *Amicable doesn't mean friendly, it means socially polite. * I'm a somewhat public figure in my small town, so I'm amicable with all sorts of people I can't stand, don't trust, and wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. All that's really required is that you cultivate a decent level of apathy. You need more apathy.


I agree with this assessment. My suggestion is to cut her out completely, except for discussing your kids. Stop letting her ride your horse, that is a privilege, and liars dont deserve privileges like that. I dont think you were digging at all by making a comment about how she was dressed, you were expecting one thing and got presented with something different. Nothing I hate more than a liar! Especially when there is no call for it...why lie to your ex?? What exactly does that accomplish? It just shows disrespect. Up til now, you have been friendly...time to scale it DOWN to amicable.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

FrustratedFL said:


> My ex lies all the time. "Work" is always a great excuse for not completing a task. That was also his excuse during his affairs.
> 
> I agree that some of the lies told to me are because of guilt, others are just pure laziness.
> 
> ...


I also believe the lying to the kids is unacceptable, and based on what the OP said in the first post, that's where the lies surrounding this event started. She lied to their son about coming to ride the horse. Not good parenting, IMO. For that I get getting angry. But that's who she is at the moment, so keep moving on. 

I also agree with others that there's too much friendship here. Unless she pays enough to cover the boarding for the horse (which I doubt), cut her off. If she asks, tell her the horse is not available. The why's are no longer her concern. OP, try to make her why's no longer your concern.


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I agree with this assessment. My suggestion is to cut her out completely, except for discussing your kids. Stop letting her ride your horse, that is a privilege, and liars dont deserve privileges like that. I dont think you were digging at all by making a comment about how she was dressed, you were expecting one thing and got presented with something different. Nothing I hate more than a liar! Especially when there is no call for it...why lie to your ex?? What exactly does that accomplish? It just shows disrespect. Up til now, you have been friendly...time to scale it DOWN to amicable.


:iagree:

The disrespect i perceive when she's lying is exactly what's pissing me off. Even if she may not mean it that way. What she's trying to accomplish by doing so or what she thinks entitles her eludes me tho. Hence my OP.

Anyway. I don't want to be vengeful or anything either. Doesn't bother me if she rides my horse as long as she pays for it. Just like anybody else. But that wasn't the point of this thread.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> LOL Jack... I remember your " buddy thread" so i can see where this is coming from
> 
> I agree that neutral is good though. What i need to preserve is a working relationship for the kids sakes. She seems to want that too. That's why i don't get the lying about seemingly minor things because lies can undermine any relationship. It's like with colleagues at work... you don't have to be friends with them but without some trust it's hard to collaborate.
> 
> ...


Seriously, each time you interact with her it's just another occasion for her to add some passive agressive sass to your day.
I say dont even give her the opportunity.
Keep it strictly to kids and thats it.
No horses.
No borrowing tools.
No "favors".
Strictly kid.

Avoid any and all opportunities for injection of venom by simply NOT being there.


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not going to defend lying but at the same time you shouldn't be digging into her business, which you know you subtlely were with the dress comment. Don't play games like that. Her life is no longer your business so keep it to kid business.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lifeistooshort,

Rereading this thread i noticed i missed your remark.

I appreciate what you're saying but i assure you, me being a guy and all, i am unable to play games at a seconds notice, let alone subtle ones.

Heck, if anyone, and i mean anyone, be it the king, the queen or the pope of Rome himself announced they were gonna ride a horse, my horse, a french saddle horse or an icelandic pony, doesn't matter, and then arrived at my house in a summer dress, i would have also asked "Are you gonna ride like that (sire/your majesty/your holiness)"

Especially is it was the king. Who never wears dresses that i know of. But that isn't my business either


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> I also believe the lying to the kids is unacceptable, and based on what the OP said in the first post, that's where the lies surrounding this event started. She lied to their son about coming to ride the horse. Not good parenting, IMO. For that I get getting angry. But that's who she is at the moment, so keep moving on.


I guess it all boils down to this. Liars will lie. It's what they do. 

Will have to sharpen my sense of apathy (sic) and not get angry about it anymore?


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> I guess it all boils down to this. Liars will lie. It's what they do.
> 
> Will have to sharpen my sense of apathy (sic) and not get angry about it anymore?


I suggest reading "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz....much easier to do after that.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> Lifeistooshort,
> 
> Rereading this thread i noticed i missed your remark.
> 
> ...



Oh I didn't mean to imply you're purposely playing games or creating drama, maybe it would have been better said that you've got to separate yourself completely from her which means no questions unless it's kid business or something you absolutely need to know.
Remember that you're not nor have you ever been emotionally invested in the king or queen, but given your history it might still be an uncomfortable topic, and it's one she's really not obligated to share with you. Particularly since you tag her a waw, suggesting you didn't want the divorce. 

Maybe you should separate the horse thing and tell her you don't think it's a good idea to do any business with her beyond the kids.

As for her lying to the kids, once again not really your concern, unless it's really damaging to them. It's up to her what she wants them to know about her personal life, as it's up to you what you want them to know about yours. Hope that was better said 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l know you said there was a lot of it and the horse thing was just an example , but that one l think just wound up losing the plot a bit l think.
Basically she just didn't want to put her bf and personal life in front of you. To me that's a good thing.
And if it's often along those lines and same with he kids , really , not so bad.

l know my ex's stories are often pretty clear bs but eh , l don't really care. The alternative is actually telling me or my d , she's doing this or that with om - which l do not want to know about anyway and l sure as hell don't want d involved either yet .
l know she knows l usually see through them but mostly that's all they are and tbh , l appreciate it actually. Think we have a sorta understanding these days . 
Besides , l'm not telling her what l'm doing either and l've had to tell a couple of 1,000 white ones over time to cover.


----------



## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Seems like she does not care about her credibility when it comes to you. And is lying just to hurry up a conversation and get off the phone without hearing a lecture. 

People that are willing to lie for little or no reason at all: pathological liars. 

I don't think you are still emotionally invested in her. You just want to trust and have credibility in the mother of your child. 

Bc if she lies about stupid things to avoid a lecture. She will lie about big things regarding your child- to avoid a lecture.


----------



## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Me- I have no problem being direct and vague with my kids' father. If I'm seeing my bf - and therefore can't do a favor for him related to parenting. I will tell him I'm busy. If he is upset and presses on- I will say- bc I made plans. (And yes- he knows I'm seeing someone.)


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Lifeistooshort, tx for clarifying your point of vue. I agree with the premisse, i.e. she's not under any obligation to share anything with me. What angers me (and apparently it shouldn't?) Is that she frequently lies, out of the blue or after a harmless question as stated above. Instead of just being vague or staying silent. More worthy alternatives IMO.

And i don't agree her lying to the kids is not my concern. I didn't raise them thinking white or other lies are normal or acceptable.

Whitehawk, if telling 1000's of white lies to your ex is what it takes to cover (what exactly?) or spare each other's feelings, more power to you bro.

Darn i will have to work on the apathy thing. Start reading the book SamuraiJack suggested... what was it, the Four Horsemen


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

IcePrincess, thank you for summing up my point EXACTLY!




IcePrincess28 said:


> Me- I have no problem being direct and vague with my kids' father. If I'm seeing my bf - and therefore can't do a favor for him related to parenting. I will tell him I'm busy. If he is upset and presses on- I will say- bc I made plans. (And yes- he knows I'm seeing someone.)


See, this is what a more mature, responsible adult would do. How hard is that.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

For us it's usually related to d stuff and time or things where she needs to know this or that but she doesn't need to hear some other [email protected] 
No biggie,just saves a lot of trouble and times and d worrying,

l dunno why anyone cares about respect from an ex , they fkd off , they have no respect, fk em .
For me my only concern is our working for my d and we do that really well .


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

EasyPartner said:


> See, this is what a more mature, responsible adult would do. How hard is that.



But, again, you know she's not going to be a mature, responsible adult. You _know_ this. And yet, you keep hoping/expecting more than she can or will offer. That expectation is what allows you to then be angry when it's not met. Stop expecting more. Accept that she's who she is. Stop letting what she does or does not do push your buttons.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It is how she operates. Always has, likely always will.


----------

