# is this a personality disorder?



## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi,

I have been talking to a girl for about six months now. She is 20 years and I am 33. Right from the beginning, she asked my age and made it clear that she wants to marry a very good and successful man, 30-35 years (definitely not younger). Ideally, she wants to marry within maybe one year from now. Her parents live in a different country and she has lived by herself for many years now. She says she does not want to be alone anymore. 

Unfortunately we periodically run into problems. I want to determine if she has some kind of personality disorder or no. If so, I have to adapt myself to best take care of her. 

I want you to look at the following and tell me if these are normal or no in your opinion. She typically blames me for them.

1. *Lack of trust.* She is very suspicious that I have relationships with other girls. My colleague, whose wife is named X in this post, sometimes invites me for a BBQ or a birthday party. She seriously thinks that X has an affair with me. She says X is too close to you in her FB photos and leans on you. I fully explained that there is nothing between us; you can see her husband is always with us too and she takes similar photos (which are normal) with other guys too. 

Her mistrust is not limited to X and generalizes to almost any female around me. Even distant co-workers and people in other countries. I have to report every minor detail about past women in my life and present ones who I may see. 

2. *Irrationally sensitive.* She is often normal but sometimes, every 1-2 weeks or so, she makes a HUGE deal out of something small/irrelevant and becomes depressed. For example, I once asked her if her current work is voluntary or paid and she almost made a fight over this! Or she calls me when I am sleeping and if I say I am sleeping, let me sleep one more hour and then we will talk, she later complains that she cared about me that she called me and I was harsh to her. I always have to respond with much care. She is particularly extremely sensitive to any lie (like if I say I ate at KFC instead of McDonald). 

3. *Controlling and manipulative.* She calls multiple times a day. She asks where I eat, with who, what time, when I will be back to office, etc. I have to be precise and consistent in my response (otherwise it's a basis for mistrust). She specially looks for female presence in my day and any kind of lie. If I'm late from lunch 1-2 hours from what I promised, it's an issue. When I said I stay at X's birthday only one hour, but I stayed 4-5 hours and didn't return her calls, we had a two days fight and she almost broke up with me. That was HUGE problem. I (voluntarily) copy paste my professional emails for her to earn her trust. She comments how I should respond to these emails. 

4.* Impatient and unstable*. She messages multiple times a day om FB, Skype, phone, and if I respond later than few hours, more messages come, she is upset and asks if something is wrong. When we have problems, she cries easily and her facial expression changes. If we chat, and I don't respond immediately, she is worried. 


5.* Fear.* She fears loosing me. She says she should come with me so that all ex women and approaching ones see us together. She always says be very careful that others don't flirt with you. She also fears that she is left alone.

6. *Dependent.* She seems too emotionally dependent on me. She has to call me many times a day and message on FB and Skype. To the point that I feel it might interfere with her school work. 

7. *Hardly takes criticism.* I explain to her, logically, and by example, that her behavior is not normal for this and that reason. She keeps blaming me. She says she hates guys who [often] tell her she has a personality problem, while later it turns out that they were all liars and cheated on her. She gets very much upset if I say her behavior is unmoral. But, to my surprise, I managed to convince her to see a counselor with me. 

It seems that something is not right with her. I know others have cheated on her in the past. That could be the reason that she doesn't trust other people. But I suspect she might have a personality issue.
It could also be that I am not sensitive enough with respect to her. I don't know.

All comments are welcome.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

eli1 said:


> She is 20 years and I am 33. Right from the beginning, she asked my age and made it clear that she wants to marry a very good and successful man, 30-35 years (definitely not younger).
> 
> Unfortunately we periodically run into problems. I want to determine if she has some kind of personality disorder or no. *If so, I have to adapt myself to best take care of her. *
> I want you to look at the following and tell me if these are normal or no in your opinion. She typically blames me for them.
> ...


So you want to know if this woman, with the issues you have listed, has a personality disorder.

The first question that popped into my mind was, What is wrong with you for wanting to adapt to someone like this and take care of her?

I mean, seriously, what the heck is YOUR problem? 

Yeah, I just bet she wants to marry a successful guy ... not to mention a gullible one who will be her doormat and tolerate this type of immature behavior.

She's only 20, but she's been on her own for years? 

Something doesn't add up here. 

It sounds like you have decided that you are going to "take care" of this delicate flower to the point of changing yourself, or as you phrase it "adapting."

Why would any man want to adapt to this????


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

Not so much changing myself, but to be aware not to escalate a difficult situation if I know is due to a disorder. Why keeping her? She is otherwise good. She cares about me, checks on me. She is not a *****. She wants to spend time and do things together.

Everyone has a problem. We need to see which ones can be fixed. Honestly, I see other girls are either interested purely in ones looks (more specifically facial features) or just ones social/economical status. This is even more disgusting and troubling.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Even if she doesn't have a personality disorder, at the very least she is immature. She is in no way ready to get married in a year. Studies have shown that the brain is still developing until around the age of 25. If you want to stay with her, maybe give her a few more years to grow up. And don't get her pregnant!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She sounds insecure. If you think she has a personality disorder see if you can get her to go to a psychiatrist and figure this out. It's not your place to diagnose her. 

Now while she sounds insecure and controlling, your behavior might be driving some of this.



eli1 said:


> She specially looks for female presence in my day and any kind of lie. If I'm late from lunch 1-2 hours from what I promised, it's an issue. When I said I stay at X's birthday only one hour, but I stayed 4-5 hours and didn't return her calls, we had a two days fight and she almost broke up with me.


You are lying. She has every right to get upset if you lie about anything at all. And don’t use the “she’ll get upset if she knew the truth excuse.” If you are in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone you always tell the truth. If they get upset then deal with that. If you don’t want to tell her the truth, don’t lie. Tell her that it’s none of her business and you do not want to share that information. If she gets upset, deal with her being upset. If she decides to break up with you because you are not open with her then it’s her choice.

What is going on with you and the other women that has her upset? What is your relationship to the other women who are long distance? How about the women who are local?

Do you go out with them? email them often? Chat? Are they ex's?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just realized that she's 20, not 33. You are 33.

She's too young. That's a large part of the problem.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

There's nothing wrong with her. She's TWENTY. She's doing normal 20 yr old's mistakes.

You, on the other hand, are highly suspect of having a personality disorder. Why on earth are you dating a BABY? What's wrong that you can't date a woman in your own decade?


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

I see. I suspected that too. Good for emphasizing that.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

I indeed prefer someone my age; less drama. But at this point, we came across each other and it's mostly her insisting that she exclusively dates older men, because she feels like 20s are still babies and she does not want to raise babies. She says she has no attraction to them. She also says she never had past relationships, and she does not want boyfriend, she wants marriage. She is also from a high status family that can't take any youngster with no job, house, etc. Her parents didn't live with her, but they are very close.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So, you're in this relationship for her daddy's money?


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

I must agree. She is only acting like a typical 20 yr old who hasnt lived enough to learn about mature relationships. So, you have to ask yourself. Am I ready to marure with this woman? Is she worth it? Can I make it through that process? Hmmmm.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eli1 said:


> I indeed prefer someone my age; less drama. But at this point, we came across each other and it's mostly her insisting that she exclusively dates older men, because she feels like 20s are still babies and she does not want to raise babies. She says she has no attraction to them. She also says she never had past relationships, and she does not want boyfriend, she wants marriage. She is also from a high status family that can't take any youngster with no job, house, etc. Her parents didn't live with her, but they are very close.


Let's see, she exclusively dates older men. But she has never had a relationship. Do you realize that those two statements are mutually exclusive? If she'd never had a relationship, then she's never dated an older man or a guy her own age.

She's too young for marriage because she's too immature. Just because she thinks she's all grown up and ready to be married, she clearly is not. You are the more mature person here so it's up to you to act like a mature man.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She sounds insecure. If you think she has a personality disorder see if you can get her to go to a psychiatrist and figure this out. It's not your place to diagnose her.
> 
> Now while she sounds insecure and controlling, your behavior might be driving some of this.
> 
> ...


I discussed few days before the birthday event that I am invited and I can't refuse. If I refuse, there would be more follow up questions and tensions with my friends; I don't want that either. I promised to leave by one hour. But the party didn't go that way. The BBQ was slow and people were just warming up; I couldn't be a pain in the neck and leave while we were playing board games etc. But, admittedly, I also didn't answer her calls because I thought she is gonna say embarrassing things in front of others, or compel me to leave, which is even more embarrassing. I think everyone needs a little space and time as an individual. 

One of them is my ex, who is now in a different country. We haven't talked for a long and she now has a fiance. Some other women are friends of friends or distant relatives; think I am marriage material and they just want to probe me. They don't live in my city but occasionally email me, hi, how are you doing, I need some help with this, etc. I copy her their emails so that she knows. There is of course nothing between us. They just want to approach and probe, see what I am up to. I am never responsive to these emails and certainly never flirt. Many others are just distant co-workers, etc.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Sounds like she just cant accept that you are a mature adult with friends. Again, the maturity thing.......
in case I missed, why is she not going to these BBQ's with you?
This sounds like the age diffeference is the bottom line here to me.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Let's see, she exclusively dates older men. But she has never had a relationship. Do you realize that those two statements are mutually exclusive? If she'd never had a relationship, then she's never dated an older man or a guy her own age.
> 
> She's too young for marriage because she's too immature. Just because she thinks she's all grown up and ready to be married, she clearly is not. You are the more mature person here so it's up to you to act like a mature man.


I think her young age might be a problem. She says she is grown up. And maybe for up to 5 years. But not to my age. 

Yes, no past relationships, but she has dated many 30-35 years olds and none of them led to a relationship. Mostly because she found out they had other girlfriends at the time who didn't tell her (although they later said they are willing to drop their current partners and live with her, to which she always responded, they have lied to her and she no longer trusts them).


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

I'llUseMyEars said:


> Sounds like she just cant accept that you are a mature adult with friends. Again, the maturity thing.......
> in case I missed, why is she not going to these BBQ's with you?
> This sounds like the age diffeference is the bottom line here to me.


At the time of this particular party that I mentioned, she wasn't in town.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Ok, I see. Well, does she ever join you and your friends? Or is that a problem?


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

*How can I tell if this is immaturity (age) or personality problem? I really don't know if these are typical of 20 years. I am scarred. *


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

I'llUseMyEars said:


> Ok, I see. Well, does she ever join you and your friends? Or is that a problem?


Yes. She says, ideally don't go. In cases you go, I have to come with you everywhere you go. 

This is fine. But I think I also need some space as an individual. It's no good to be so suspicious.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Honestly, I dont believe this is any personality issue, it is all her maturity issues. She is young and hasnt experienced enough to be on your level. I dont believe you have done anything wrong here.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Even if she doesn't have a personality disorder, at the very least she is immature. She is in no way ready to get married in a year. Studies have shown that the brain is still developing until around the age of 25. If you want to stay with her, maybe give her a few more years to grow up. And don't get her pregnant!


She says her mother is ill and she wants to see her married before dying. She has discussed me with her parents too.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Move on. If you stay you will be back on here asking for help with a disastrous relationship. If, god forbid, you marry her, you will be back on here seeking advice for a disfunctional marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eli1 said:


> I think her young age might be a problem. She says she is grown up. And maybe for up to 5 years. But not to my age.
> 
> Yes, no past relationships, but she has dated many 30-35 years olds and none of them led to a relationship. Mostly because she found out they had other girlfriends at the time who didn't tell her (although they later said they are willing to drop their current partners and live with her, to which she always responded, they have lied to her and she no longer trusts them).


Do you see a problem with her ending these relationships the way she did? Do you think she was right to say that they lied to her and she could not trust them?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Move on! She's young, immature and insecure. Do you love drama? If not, she's nit the girl for you. All you're going to get is drama, drama, drama. Nothing you do will be enough to quell her fears and insecurity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you see a problem with her ending these relationships the way she did? Do you think she was right to say that they lied to her and she could not trust them?


She is very honest and I believe her. Not to mention that some of them, once exposed, apologized and said their plan was to drop their partner as soon as it gets serious with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eli1 said:


> *How can I tell if this is immaturity (age) or personality problem? I really don't know if these are typical of 20 years. I am scarred. *


It's typical 20 year old behavior. She's had a lot of men lying to her. You have lied to her. She does not know how to set good boundaries to protect herself. So instead she's trying to control you.

She's no mature enough for a committed relationship or marriage.

Save both of you a lot of trouble and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eli1 said:


> She is very honest and I believe her. Not to mention that some of them, once exposed, apologized and said their plan was to drop their partner as soon as it gets serious with her.


What do you think of them apologizing and saying that their plan was to drop their partner as soon as they got serious with her? Do you think she should have been ok with that?


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Move on! She's young, immature and insecure. Do you love drama? If not, she's nit the girl for you. All you're going to get is drama, drama, drama. Nothing you do will be enough to quell her fears and insecurity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, that's why I post here to get your feedback and experience. I don't want a roller-coaster. My job requires mental focus and peace of mind.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What do you think of them apologizing and saying that their plan was to drop their partner as soon as they got serious with her? Do you think she should have been ok with that?


No. Either they are creepy or liars --- at the minimum, they should discuss it up front and present reasons why they think it's better to do this. You can't drop your partner anytime a better one comes along.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eli1 said:


> No. Either they are creepy or liars --- at the minimum, they should discuss it up front and present reasons why they think it's better to do this. You can't drop your partner anytime a better one comes along.


They guys were cheaters and liars. Its' a good thing that she dropped them.

The reason for dating is to find out if the person is a good partner for a long term relationship. She found out that they were not and dropped them. Good for her.

Now she's insecure because the guys lied to her and she does not know how to find a guy who does not lie and cheat. So she's over compensating by trying to control you. That never works.

And now you are lying to her to over what you do. So that's not good.

You need to decide if you want to take the time to learn with her about how to have a good relationship or if you want to just move on and find a more mature woman. 

There are some books that I think would help you either way.. "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They are about how to have a good, strong, passionate marriage.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Dude I read the first sentence and knew this was trouble. It got worse as you went on.

First off, you're 33 and she's 20...I already know YOU have a problem.

Second off, she outright told you she wanted to marry ANYONE successful that was older within a year, and instead of running for the hills, you're sticking around. (She basically told you she's a gold digger and you volunteered).

Next, you think she "might" have a personality disorder because she acts certifiably insane, and instead of running for the hills again, you say "I might have to learn to deal with that." You have the funk of "Knight in Shining Armor" all over you.

And last, you've known this chick for only 6 months, and she is acting like you're married.

So what's YOUR deal? Are you desparate? Why are you settling for this lady? Are you socially inept and she's the first girl who made moves on you? I can't understand why anyone else would put up with this situation.

You might as well be volunteering for a life of hell...see you in a few years when you have a kid with this crazy and she takes you to the cleaners in the divorce.

Get some counseling...ASAP. And don't listen to your instincts, they are clearly screwed up. RUN from this lady, and don't date until you've figured out your sh*t.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

eli1 said:


> Everyone has a problem. We need to see which ones can be fixed.


Sure. EVERYONE has issues/problems. But "we" need to see which ones can be fixed? 

You can't fix her problems. Those are HER problems and she needs to address them.

Meanwhile, you come here and compile a list of HER problems. Then you add that she's a great gal. No, she's an immature silly 20 year old girl.

She's not posting; you are. And YOU have your own problems that need to be addressed. YOU CAN ONLY FIX YOURSELF. YOU DO NOT POSSESS THE POWER TO "FIX" THIS WOMAN'S PROBLEMS.

Get counseling. You really need it. Seriously.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

eli1 said:


> She says her mother is ill and she wants to see her married before dying. She has discussed me with her parents too.


Did she tell you that her mother is ill or do you know that on your own? You need to get married on your own timeline not based on her mother being ill.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I just read your first thread you posted here. It appears you did go with the girl right out of high school.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh boy, I just read the OP's older thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/71978-these-options-better-wife.html


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Yikes. Mayday....mayday.......


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you so much for posting that link, Ele. I just read it, and it explains volumes as to what this post is about.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Dude, run for your life.

I have a PhD as well, my wife as well. Both employed. She is from a high income high power (as of a couple dictators ago) family. She's Asian and I'm European. I was low class. 

Let's just say it hasn't worked out thanks to all kinds of things including a personality disorder 

On the other hand I have two daughters age around her age and while they are definitely entitled princesses they are also ladies that would not dream of (a) dating someone that much older and (b) pulling such stunts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> Dude, run for your life.
> 
> I have a PhD as well, my wife as well. Both employed. She is from a high income high power (as of a couple dictators ago) family. She's Asian and I'm European. I was low class.
> 
> ...


Did you read his other thread? A link it posted back a couple of posts.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I did just the first few posts. What it boils down vis a vis the current question is that at 33 HIS biological clock is ticking and it's not worth the trouble to find out if he's dealing with a PD or an EAP (entitled Asian Princess).

My daughters are E0.5AP's and don't pull stunts like those. My wife is a card carrying EAP and never pulled stunts like those pre-BPD...


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

COguy said:


> Dude I read the first sentence and knew this was trouble. It got worse as you went on.
> 
> First off, you're 33 and she's 20...I already know YOU have a problem.
> 
> ...


It seems that I have to run to hills. I know for one that she is mostly interested in my status than myself. But, jeez, that's part of me too. And show me a girl who isn't attracted to guys' social and economic status! Unless they are interested in your body and just want to **** around. That's even worse. 

As you can guess from my post, I am not desperate. It's mostly her that contacted me and keeps it going. 

Why am I even considering her? I compare her with others. The 30 years old gals want to marry, not because they love you, but because the biological clock is running fast and they want to get it done ASAP. The 25-30s have got the taste of many boyfriends by now and want a double life: a boyfriend and a husband. I already know a friend whose wife has a boyfriend too. The younger ones you have more power to control them, but they are immature and have personality issues. 

Why do I want to marry? it helps my life probably. I can do everything by myself. Plus I don't want to have children at older age. They might be sick and the age difference between father and children can be a problem.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Did you read his other thread? A link it posted back a couple of posts.


calm down! I knowingly kept all posts in the same so that people can see and better help.

As for that post, I had a point in my original post. But you can see humor in subsequent chat with other people, as it went on. Nevertheless, my main arguments are correct and I stand by them if you want to discuss them here. Unfortunately, the moderator locked it before we could conclude it --- thanks to our democracy, he said has to lock it because he thinks we are joking. 

The question was posed to see what other people think of American v.s. overseas (in this case Asian) women, as well as, the age difference in marriage. I saw American women as very shallow, loud, self-entitled, difficult to get along with, having low-to-no qualification but high expectations. These days their choice is purely physical as you can see in media and society. One of them even asked me if I have semi-nude photos in our third date. Aren't these people who judge others based on looks, and how well-pronounced is their six-pack or how smooth is their skin, the worse of all creatures on this planet? I guess in your language, you call it love. I thought Asian women better appreciate a good life and I wanted to see what others think.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

john117 said:


> I did just the first few posts. What it boils down vis a vis the current question is that at 33 HIS biological clock is ticking and it's not worth the trouble to find out if he's dealing with a PD or an EAP (entitled Asian Princess).
> 
> My daughters are E0.5AP's and don't pull stunts like those. My wife is a card carrying EAP and never pulled stunts like those pre-BPD...


Back to the biological clock, yes, it's a reality, but for men to ticks slower. I have still years ahead. But women my age? Trust me, they want to get married as fast as possible. So I have a choice: to determine if I am dealing with a PD/EAP case or a DW (desperate woman)/W case. Which situation you rather be in?!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

eli1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been talking to a girl for about six months now. .....*Right from the beginning*, she asked my age and *made it clear that she wants to marry* a very good and successful man, 30-35 years (definitely not younger).


unless you are cruising mail-order bride sites...this is very bizarre behavior. Run my friend, she is a weirdo. A women that starts off talking about marriage, instead of almost anything else...you do not want


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

eli1 said:


> *Why am I even considering her? *I compare her with others. The 30 years old gals want to marry, not because they love you, but because the biological clock is running fast and they want to get it done ASAP. The 25-30s have got the taste of many boyfriends by now and want a double life: a boyfriend and a husband. I already know a friend whose wife has a boyfriend too. *The younger ones you have more power to control them,* but they are immature and have personality issues.


Ummmmm...... :lol: :smthumbup:

I think SHE needs to run for the hills. :scratchhead:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

eli1 said:


> The question was posed to see what other people think of American v.s. overseas (in this case Asian) women, as well as, the age difference in marriage. I saw American women as very shallow, loud, self-entitled, difficult to get along with, having low-to-no qualification but high expectations. These days their choice is purely physical as you can see in media and society. One of them even asked me if I have semi-nude photos in our third date. Aren't these people who judge others based on looks, and how well-pronounced is their six-pack or how smooth is their skin, the worse of all creatures on this planet? I guess in your language, you call it love. I thought Asian women better appreciate a good life and I wanted to see what others think.



Wow 

Having married an EAP I would say that some of them appreciate their version of good life. A choice education, husband with similar education, career, huge luxury house, full of collector spec art, two great daughters educated in all things Asian (Kumon included :rofl: except we did piano and not violin), very respected colleges and scholarships...

Guess what?

30 years into it I would gladly throw it away except my daughters. Money did not buy my wife happiness, and sure as he11 didn't buy me happiness either.

So, put the stereotypes aside and find someone who may not have a PhD, may not have wealth, but may just have enough humanity, empathy, and love to make it to old age with you and your kids.

The alternative is that you will likely be where I am in 20 years. Asian by itself is not an issue. But Asian or not with well documented symptoms of entitlement, immaturity, and a likely personality disorder and there aren't enough warning sirens to fully capture the magnitude of what you're setting yourself up for.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

eli1 said:


> Why do I want to marry? it helps my life probably. I can do everything by myself. Plus I don't want to have children at older age. They might be sick and the age difference between father and children can be a problem.


This might just be a cultural thing, but you're not going to get good advice here.

You're looking to be married, you're not looking to marry someone specific. Generally the advice we would give is that if you are just looking for marriage, you're "radar" is going to be off and you'll be susceptible to marry the crazies.

In your case, you seem completely unphased in saying that you're marrying for a perceived benefit. And while that may be normal in some cultures, it's extremely odd in western culture, and we would recommend you going to counseling and not dating until you figure out why you are so desperate to be involved with someone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you are in for a world of problems if you marry her.

Your thread from last year:



eli1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am a 31 year old average-looking male and would like to marry this year. *I currently have several options for marriage:*
> 
> ...


It's not like ordering a sandwich.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> unless you are cruising mail-order bride sites...this is very bizarre behavior. Run my friend, she is a weirdo. A women that starts off talking about marriage, instead of almost anything else...you do not want


He needs to run for the hills? He's clear that he's looking for a wife to marry fairly quickly. And he seems to prefer a younger "girl" because he thinks they are easier to control and they can clean his house.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well yeah, and don't forget she's ready to pleasure him whenever and is "obedient."


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He needs to run for the hills? He's clear that he's looking for a wife to marry fairly quickly. And he seems to prefer a younger "girl" because he thinks they are easier to control and they can clean his house.


This guy must be in trouble if you and I are in complete agreement.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In practice this sometimes backfires once the imported wife realizes her power due to the differences in legal systems.

Extra points if she came from a society with gender issues and never learned the proper ways to interact with the other gender.

When it works it works well but when it does not work it's pretty bad....


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> Ummmmm...... :lol: :smthumbup:
> 
> I think SHE needs to run for the hills. :scratchhead:


You guys behave as if you are living on a different planet. Younger ones have less experience and more easily follow. Less likely to kick you out of your own house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eli1 said:


> You guys behave as if you are living on a different planet. Younger ones have less experience and more easily follow. Less likely to kick you out of your own house.


You talk about picking a wife in about the same way most people talk about getting a pet dog.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

john117 said:


> Wow
> 
> 
> So, put the stereotypes aside and find someone who may not have a PhD, may not have wealth, but may just have enough humanity, empathy, and love to make it to old age with you and your kids.
> yourself up for.


100% agree with you. How wonderful it would have been if the world was full of these people. 

Unfortunately the world is moving in other directions. Where I am gonna find such person? There are practically none. Everyone I meet is a bag of crap. So either I have to die alone or just suck the crap. 

If there were many of them, you would have found one yourself.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

COguy said:


> This might just be a cultural thing, but you're not going to get good advice here.
> 
> You're looking to be married, you're not looking to marry someone specific. Generally the advice we would give is that if you are just looking for marriage, you're "radar" is going to be off and you'll be susceptible to marry the crazies.
> 
> In your case, you seem completely unphased in saying that you're marrying for a perceived benefit. And while that may be normal in some cultures, it's extremely odd in western culture, and we would recommend you going to counseling and not dating until you figure out why you are so desperate to be involved with someone.


what the hell?)) so if a man wants to marry, it's a psychological problem and needs counselling? How did your parents marry in 1940s and 50s? or centuries ago?

I do agree thought that ideally it's better to wait until it happens. But you have to "pursue" it as well a little bit. You have to follow the cases, examine, ask others, etc. So I would say a combination of being "passive" and "active" probably gives the best results. 

Of course, much of the marriage is a contract of balanced mutual interests. The sweat idea of two people walking the journey together and each purely devoting oneself to make the other happy, just for the sake of the person, is a lovely one. But that rarely happens in reality.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I think you are in for a world of problems if you marry her.
> 
> Your thread from last year:
> 
> ...


)) Right. Neither I meant so. 

I just exhaustively listed all categories that I have seen. Everything can be studied and made scientific. Like soccer, to some degree. 

As you can see, that post was for more than a year ago and I am still not married. So I'm not buying a sandwich! Although some of those people in the West that my friend "COguy" advises expect the other person to sleep with them on the second date! Apparently that isn't buying a sandwich and is modern. And we can continue ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Your happiness should not fully depend on finding someone else. If your requirements are higher than usual the chances are lower. 

I see a lot of my coworkers are single and happy in their 40s and later. As someone wisely pointed when you are bent on finding that someone you drop common sense along the way.

Find something to keep you busy, date to your hearts extent, but don't think your happiness is hostage to anyone.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He needs to run for the hills? He's clear that he's looking for a wife to marry fairly quickly. And he seems to prefer a younger "girl" because he thinks they are easier to control and they can clean his house.


She is born and schooled in USA. But she is Asian and her parents are traditional asians. They don't want boyfriends. She says she doesn't want
boyfriends either. Maybe she already got enough in highschool? Not sure, at least her parents likely don't want that. She wants to marry a good successful person. She doesn't want to be alone either. She does not want to go clubbing for 10 years and have sex with dozens random dudes. It doesn't look unnormal to me. What might be the problem who wants to marry from the beginning? of course there would be a period of 1-2 years before marriage as a fiance. And by that time, she is 22 and starting her master's program.

I don't have strong preference for age. But honestly, I want a hassle-free woman who helps with life a little bit. Life and society have been designed for married people. At this age, I don't have much time for girlfriend either, who are there for two years and then we move to different places because of work or whatever, and I am alone again. Or they are ****ty and find someone more attractive. No strong bound. It's better to consider settling down somewhere now.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

john117 said:


> Your happiness should not fully depend on finding someone else. If your requirements are higher than usual the chances are lower.
> 
> I see a lot of my coworkers are single and happy in their 40s and later. As someone wisely pointed when you are bent on finding that someone you drop common sense along the way.
> 
> Find something to keep you busy, date to your hearts extent, but don't think your happiness is hostage to anyone.


Excellent advise!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Aha... This is 100% EAAP.

Lack of dating and the like and growing up in a strict family will show up in spades in a decade or two when she will decide that after a couple kids - which her mother will raise moving in or next to you - that emotional connection is useless, career is king, sex is overrated, and hello john118. 

If she succeeds with grad school then she will have a good chance of hating her job or finding a job that is to her level... And you and your kids will be the culprits. The scapegoats.

You don't want that.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

eli1 said:


> )) Right. Neither I meant so.
> 
> I just exhaustively listed all categories that I have seen. Everything can be studied and made scientific. Like soccer, to some degree.
> 
> As you can see, that post was for more than a year ago and I am still not married. So I'm not buying a sandwich! Although some of those people in the West that my friend "COguy" advises expect the other person to sleep with them on the second date! Apparently that isn't buying a sandwich and is modern. And we can continue ...


Tell you what. You find ONE other person to agree with you on this site, and I will buy you a sandwich.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

john117 said:


> Aha... This is 100% EAAP.
> 
> Lack of dating and the like and growing up in a strict family will show up in spades in a decade or two when she will decide that after a couple kids - which her mother will raise moving in or next to you - that emotional connection is useless, career is king, sex is overrated, and hello john118.
> 
> ...


These are indeed possibilities. 

Another scenario that I imagined was that, school is the dating scene, she goes to grad school, due to lack of prior experimentation and school culture, she hooks up with someone else there. But I thought that could happen to others too at work.

I must mention that she has dated numerous guys in the past years. It just didn't get anywhere --- which can be another red flag! It could also be that she has had boyfriends in the past, but she tells me otherwise because she thinks it's better in Asian culture. I like to think this is the case. How could she not have boyfriends at school, specially given that she had her own place.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

COguy said:


> Tell you what. You find ONE other person to agree with you on this site, and I will buy you a sandwich.


))

well, I present my logical arguments. If you can convincingly counter them, go ahead. We are all learning and I am after the correct answers too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eli1 said:


> She is born and schooled in USA. But she is Asian and her parents are traditional asians. They don't want boyfriends. She says she doesn't want boyfriends either.


She’s had boyfriends. You are a boyfriend. All those older guys she dated were boyfriends…lying, cheating boyfriends.

The only way to not have a boyfriend is to just have someone arrange a marriage for her. She then meets him, ok’s him and marries him within days. Any more contact between them would make them boyfriend and girlfriend.


eli1 said:


> Maybe she already got enough in highschool? Not sure, at least her parents likely don't want that. She wants to marry a good successful person. She doesn't want to be alone either.


This is all understandable. However, from what you have said, she’s not mature enough yet for marriage. So you would be foolish to marry her right now and probably for a few years 5-6 years. Then after that she might have figured some things out and not be so insecure.


eli1 said:


> She does not want to go clubbing for 10 years and have sex with dozens random dudes. It doesn't look unnormal to me. What might be the problem who wants to marry from the beginning? of course there would be a period of 1-2 years before marriage as a fiance. And by that time, she is 22 and starting her master's program.


No woman has to go clubbing and sleep with dozens of random dudes. It’s not needed. Most women never do this. So why you think that’s her only other alterative is beyond me.


eli1 said:


> I don't have strong preference for age. But honestly, I want a hassle-free woman who helps with life a little bit. Life and society have been designed for married people. At this age, I don't have much time for girlfriend either, who are there for two years and then we move to different places because of work or whatever, and I am alone again. Or they are ****ty and find someone more attractive. No strong bound. It's better to consider settling down somewhere now.


I get this but a 20 year old who has not even finished her master’s and has not started a career is more likely to flake out on you after she gets her education and career going. If you look at women in your own age group you can find good women who are already in their career and who will be good wives.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> Tell you what. You find ONE other person to agree with you on this site, and I will buy you a sandwich.


And now I want a Cuban sandwich.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

eli1 said:


> ))
> 
> well, I present my logical arguments. If you can convincingly counter them, go ahead. We are all learning and I am after the correct answers too.


No, I don't think you are presenting "logical arguments." You contradict yourself too much.

What am I "learning" from this discourse? That you are presenting an argument for a woman who, from what you listed, is an immature b!tch. 

Then you go on, ad nauseaum, to debate this issue, without acknowledging that this girl may not be the right one for you.

There is something about this entire thread that strikes me as fishy. Why? Because you are too darned busy debating the pro's and con's of marrying this woman. Or whoever you decide to marry.

Love and marriage are not always logical discourses in choosing Plan A or Plan B. Rational minds should prevail, but you are trying to dissect this like some lab specimen in a petri dish.

And this girl sounds like a total flake. Please quit trying to justify why this woman is okay to marry.

COguy ... I'm more than willing to pitch in to pay for that sandwich.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

She is 13 years his junior. So what? if i were a guy- and preferred younger- I see nothing wrong in dating someone outside my decade- just not in their 20s. So I agree with that point. She's got a lot of maturing to do. 

However. I feel that she is looking for someone to be her meal ticket. So if you're the object of her ticket- she's gotta make sure that no females get near you. And coincidentally- you guys got into an argument over whether or not she has her own income (when u asked if her work is paid or not. Btw- did you find out if she gets paid or not- and is there proof of it). 

I don't think it is right to lie to someone you care about. But hell- if I'm with someone like her- who jumps my back over everything - I'm gonna lie and tell them I was only somewhere for an hour instead of several too. BUT - then I will kick their butt to the curb bc I will not date anyone that tries to impose all those restrictions on what I can and can not do.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

This guy sounds like my sister's ex. He has a successful (read: well paying) job. She got her master's degree. They dated for 5 years, finally married and he was EXTREMELY controlling, mentally abusive, and very manipulative. She didn't live up to his "high standard" because she (heaven forbid) was herself. He left her because he only loved her "potential", and she managed to get a good lawyer and a LARGE settlement.

Go ahead, marry this girl. One day she will use you for exactly what you set her up for. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. But you have to be realistic. If you want a droid, move to Stepford.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

IcePrincess28 said:


> She is 13 years his junior. So what? if i were a guy- and preferred younger- I see nothing wrong in dating someone outside my decade- just not in their 20s. So I agree with that point. She's got a lot of maturing to do.
> 
> However. I feel that she is looking for someone to be her meal ticket. So if you're the object of her ticket- she's gotta make sure that no females get near you. And coincidentally- you guys got into an argument over whether or not she has her own income (when u asked if her work is paid or not. Btw- did you find out if she gets paid or not- and is there proof of it).
> 
> I don't think it is right to lie to someone you care about. But hell- if I'm with someone like her- who jumps my back over everything - I'm gonna lie and tell them I was only somewhere for an hour instead of several too. BUT - then I will kick their butt to the curb bc I will not date anyone that tries to impose all those restrictions on what I can and can not do.


Her work is paid. Plus she comes from a well-off family, wealthier than mine. She is certainly not a gold digger. But all her prior wealth (which is already more than mine) belongs to her not me; in case of any divorce I will still loose, because after marriage she likely can't make money as much and I have to split mine basically.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Coming from a wealthy family her expectations will be sky high. If you live somewhere away from her family she won't have access to the influence but in her mind she will think she does and get frustrated when things don't pan out...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

eli1 said:


> Everyone I meet is a bag of crap.


Like attracts like.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not really, FW. If you live in a large metro area or have money for access to extracurricular activities you can cast a wider net, but if you live in Topeka or you're not as well off your choices are going to be constrained big time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

eli1 said:


> Her work is paid. Plus she comes from a well-off family, wealthier than mine. She is certainly not a gold digger. But all her prior wealth (which is already more than mine) belongs to her not me; in case of any divorce I will still loose, because after marriage she likely can't make money as much and I have to split mine basically.


For cryin' out loud, quit arguing already and go marry the woman. You are here for attention at this point and nothing more.

It is no skin off of anyone's nose here if you marry her and have 10 children.

Seriously. Quit belaboring your point. It is now pointless. JMO.

I'm outta here. This is becoming far too pedantic for me. (Insert major yawn here ... :sleeping


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

john117 said:


> Coming from a wealthy family her expectations will be sky high. If you live somewhere away from her family she won't have access to the influence but in her mind she will think she does and get frustrated when things don't pan out...


I second that. My family is well off- parents both studied hard in college- and it paid off. And paternal grandparents did the same. 

I always went to private school- and i have certain expectations when it comes the type of man i seek, as well as what i expect from a man's income. I'm also Chinese- i was born in shanghai. My mother taught me that I should find a rich guy- but make my own money, never quit my job, and live off his income, save all of mine- sign a prenup stating the prior- take everything if i got divorced, and just leave him the dog house.

do i agree with her? no. :lol::rofl:

but has it affected certain expectations i have? yes. (and of course I would be happy to share my income, or even take care of a man financially- but only if something happened to him during our marriage that incapacitated him for good reason.)

curious- what nationality is she?

and why can't she work/make as much after marriage. makes noooooo sense. I had both of my kids during the busiest time of the year for my job. I am a financial analyst in the commodities sector. Is it bc she doesn't want to work anymore- and just have kids. Nothing wrong w/ that. just asking.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife hails from one of the -istan's of Central Asia, not from the Far East. We affectionately call her country Frigidistan in honor of her people's aversion to fun and intimacy .


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

This whole thread has me shaking my [email protected] head. LOL! 

I had a hard time meeting guys I was attracted to because I live in a TINY middle GA town where everyone knows/is related to everyone else and I am an outsider. But just because I wasn't attracted to them didn't mean they were "bags of crap." Sheesh.

And not all women are gold diggers. I dated very wealthy men, but there wasn't a connection so I passed on a potential relationhip. And trust me, my parents are decently wealthy, educated, and raised me to have high standards for myself. Just not crazy unrealistic ones.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to date/marry within your own race/ethnicity. But if your opinion of women within those parameters is so low, OP, have you considered looking elsewhere? 

Let me pick my scenario for the future so I can say I called it......you will marry this girl, and anytime anything goes "wrong" (read, against your opinion of how things should be) in your relationship, you will blame her. It's all her fault. She will be labeled as too needy, too clingy, has emotional problems. Eventually (after a kid or three) she will realize that you are too controlling and take you for everything you have (and then of course be labeled as "gold digger.") When in reality, she will have just gotten tired of dealing with your crap and moved on, taking what she deserves for dealing with nonsense for so many years. 

Or what COULD happen is you let her go, find someone a little bit more aware of themselves due to life experiences, more established, and more emotionally secure. Someone who also wants to get married.....maybe because thier "biological clock is ticking," but also because they want what you want.....companionship. (But who am I kidding, you won't be attracted to a woman like this because she isn't easily "controlled.")


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Ga heart- since when was there an issue stated with dating your own race?

When did anyone state anyone was a gold digger? OP said that his gf was NOT a gold digger. There were varying posts regarding the gfs possible agenda for living off of OP. 

In the statement where I spoke of my parents. I used a playful tone. Attributing things To "being Chinese". And the following poster seemed to get it. And poked fun at his wife. You're right. Leaving a guy with nothing but a dog house is very unrealistic. I'm glad your parents taught you to point at others and make stiff insults regarding their parenting. And apparently they taught you how to read. 

And my parents must've been crazy unrealistic enough with their parenting that it resulted in a daughter who- as I restate from my prior post: "would be happy to split my income with my spouse as well as take care of him financially should he need it." You're right. My parents have done a "crazy unrealistic" job. And you're treading lightly when you state that your parents taught you to have high standards- prior to the remark about "crazy unrealistic"- I would hope in saying this you weren't insinuating that MY parents weren't. So I will graciously give you the benefit of that doubt. 

Are you Chinese? I'm from shanghai china. It's a beautiful metropolis bigger and taller than manhattan. I personally do not know a single Chinese family from the city who does not want their daughter to go to an Ivy League or good college, get a great job, in addition to marrying a doctor, lawyer or banker. It's our culture. There are always exceptions.

No one has said anything about all women being gold diggers. Nor the actual sporting of gold digging in general. You're the only one righteous enough to have stated: you've dated very wealthy men- as in plural. As if it's a pattern and preference. I have dated one very wealthy man- one- and we did have a connection. And the rest were normal income guys. And I don't live in a small GA town. I live in manhattan. I work as a financial analyst in the commodities sector- in an investment firm with access to approximately 30 stories of wealthy men. I make a wonderful salary. But that's because I have worked hard in college. And have been in this industry for almost 10 years (including two years of interning). And ONLY because my parents worked hard and paid for my expensive schooling. And not to sound vulgar. But I'm 5'3", under a 100lbs. With a butt and well proportioned chest. I'm attractive. But my personality and mind is far better than my looks. I could easily date only wealthy men. Or only men in waste management on the street. Yet in your small town you've managed to find very wealthy men. No judgement there. Just restating what you've stated of yourself.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Sorry to all others regarding the slight threadjack.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Princess, what matters is the inside. If you have the emotional foundation to succeed in a relationship, the rest is gravy.

Also you're too young to know if ten years from now you will marry some successful guy, have kids, and resent every bit of it or love every bit of it.

Coming from the backwaters of Europe I was determined to date an Asian woman as a college student. Don't ask why...

Dated three, married one. The two I did not marry are still good friends with me and with each other . One married an American guy, the other never did. I married the -istan lady.

The happiest of the three is the least educated - grad degree only - and the one that ironically has the best job. She could charm anyone. And did . The unhappiest is my wife, the one with the most education. The never married one makes good money but has fun. Not necessarily happiness but fun. 

So I guess it really boils down to expectations. Mrs. Happy had fewer expectations but played her cards well and won. Mrs. Fun is too busy having fun to be interested in men. Dr. Frigid is perpetually pi$$ed and depressed because she can't understand that life is what happens when you make other plans.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Well said John-
If there is one thing I have learned in my young 28 years of life- it is to never assume that who I am today will be who I am tomorrow (to be taken more as a statement of how I view things in the long run- regarding how they change.) It is impossible and to think such would be close minded.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

My post was in no way, shape, or form directed at you, IP.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Well to that I give a sincere apology GA.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

never never never marry someone thinking they will change or mature.

you have been warned!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> never never never marry someone thinking they will change or mature.
> 
> 
> 
> you have been warned!



Maturity is so 1990's...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yet some of us never change. 

I'm still the same guy I was in grad school except a bit wiser, a bit rounder, and a lot wealthier. 

The man-toys have changed, I have new friends plus my old friends, a mortgage, and children. 

Others change a lot more. It's inevitable. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. 

There's a difference between change and adapt. Adapt is short term trends. Change is long term.

And lack of change or adaptation is not necessarily good or bad. Immigrants change, adapt, or neither. My wife is neither, trying to raise daughters in the USA as if living back there. Likewise with expectations.

So it's not just change but the lack of change. Not easy to decipher.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And I apologize, IP if it came across that I was attacking you. I was not. I am just still in awe of the attitude of the OP. Your and John's side conversation has been interesting. But I don't think your (sound) logic can apply to the OP.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

IcePrincess28 said:


> curious- what nationality is she?
> 
> and why can't she work/make as much after marriage. makes noooooo sense. I had both of my kids during the busiest time of the year for my job. I am a financial analyst in the commodities sector. Is it bc she doesn't want to work anymore- and just have kids. Nothing wrong w/ that. just asking.


She is Chinese. Asians prefer to marry Asians. Even people from Shanghai prefer to marry those born and raised in Shanghai (clear in language accent).

Her school performance is just average. Her current job is not highly paid. She likely wont be able to earn that much in the future either, due to her average qualifications. It can also be hard for her to work and raise kids at the same time, when we have them. But that's fine, as long as we live in peace and understanding. 

Nevertheless, it seems to be true that those raised in wealthy families have higher expectations. Of course, there are always exceptions, as seems to be your case. But if you have everything, you start to pay attention to what appears to be details to others. That can potentially develop into irrational sensitivity, unrealistic expectations, sense of entitlement, desire to over-power others etc.


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## eli1 (Apr 22, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> This whole thread has me shaking my [email protected] head. LOL!
> 
> I had a hard time meeting guys I was attracted to because I live in a TINY middle GA town where everyone knows/is related to everyone else and I am an outsider. But just because I wasn't attracted to them didn't mean they were "bags of crap." Sheesh.
> 
> ...


Not sure what you are referring to. 

People automatically think if a young girl dates beyond her age group is a gold digger, or/and conversely, the man is controlling or creepy. 

I mentioned she is clearly not a gold digger. Also it's she who is manipulative and controlling. The question simply was are these because of her age (20) that will go away as she grows or a personality issue that continues and wont change in the future. 

In one of the posts, someone said why dating a younger woman anyways, I said I came across that, furthermore, as a perceived advantage you have more control over them to compensate for theirs or in case things go wrong. Of course in a healthy relationship, no decent person wants to be manipulative.

As for the "bag of crap", I don't refer to all those that I don't like. Most of those I met were too materialistic: good looks, wealth and higher status were exclusively what interested them. Unfortunately, these are things our society values. I don't deny the importance of these. But I think a strong relationship lives, first and foremost, in the heart. Frustrated by older ones, I thought maybe younger ones are more innocent and haven't yet developed into selfish creatures. People rushed through making assumptions and damning me that why I even date a 20 year.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

eli1 said:


> Nevertheless, it seems to be true that those raised in wealthy families have higher expectations. Of course, there are always exceptions, as seems to be your case. c.



Since I jumped the gun on GA with assuming she was speaking negatively abt me. Can you explain what you mean- by "those that have higher expectations- but there are exceptions, as seems to be my case" 

Are you saying I have low expectations for myself or for what I expect from men. And high expectations meaning she expects you to take care of her- is that right. If so- That's having high expectations of YOU- not having high expectations for herself. 

I like to see myself either as an equal or as a provider (again- should he become incapacitated). In my firm- men dominate. And as a female- especially one that looks the way I do- I'm a candidate to be challenged a lot, and can easily be walked over if I don't hold my own. 

That ideal carries over into the bedroom. I can't let the man have the power thru the wallet. I don't expect to be "taken care of" bc I have some type of napoleonic complex where I have to one up them. It's something I'm working ok :/ plus I don't like the stereotyping of Asian girls being financially exploitative. 

I'm from shanghai. Born there. Came here when I was 4. Been back over 10x since. I haven't had a single Asian bf. All have been Caucasian. My kids are half (Italian, Irish). There's a trend in shanghai for marrying Caucasians bc they prefer the look of mixed kids. (Not why i went and made mixed babies tho!) such as the shape of the eyes and nose. Plenty of Asians prefer non Asians. Such as this Asian and your Asian !! 

Are you ready for her expectations of you. Almost sounds like by the way you describe her that you feel that you don't deserve her. As in- you feel she's better than you? Just not very sane? (I would beg to differ- she needs to work hard to ensure she DOES deserve you).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife got both the last two goals and guess what... She ain't happy. 

The fallacy of the high achieving cultures is counting everything in terms of money.

My most valuable reward was the JD Power top ranking award for a product I and my team designed. You can't buy that. But it sure did not impress my wife


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

eli1 said:


> Not sure what you are referring to.
> 
> People automatically think if a young girl dates beyond her age group is a gold digger, or/and conversely, the man is controlling or creepy.
> 
> ...


And this explaination redeems your opinions somewhat for me. This sounds a lot more logical than what you had posted before. I still stand by my previous statement that you would probably be better off finding someone who has more life experience behind them (is more secure in themselves.) Where were you meeting these women you dated before?

I believe there is a fine (possibly blurry) line between having high expectations and being a gold digger. The difference being in the attitude. If someone ONLY dates wealthy men with the sole purpose of "trapping" him for his money.....well, that's obvious. But life isn't black and white. 

You can be sure to avoid a gold digger by finding someone already established with a well paying career (or at least one they are happy in.) A desire to NOT quit thier job would speak volumes. Perhaps not going into extreme detail about how "well off" you are when you first meet someone (just assuming you do) would go a long way as well. Sure, you might pick someone up in a fancy car, and tell them you are a doctor or whatever. But in this day and age, that doesn't really mean much money wise. You could owe A LOT in student loans, even owe on the vehicle. But if you sit there and tell all about how you have no debt, own your own house, etc., etc. (again, just assuming you do) will bring out the "digger" in just about any woman. 

And the reason I'm bringing all this up is because it seems that is your only complaint about women your age. (Or younger, but more established.) Age is really just a number, but there is no substitute for life experience.


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