# His low sex drive=My low self-esteem.



## UnderPressure (Nov 2, 2017)

Throw me some advice, guys. 

Married for less than a year, and its be a pretty tough one. We've had several issues thrown at us: new jobs, financial issues, health issues on my part, a move to a new town, all sorts of stress inducing factors. He's an amazing guy. A great dad and step dad to our kids, an amazing husband outside of the bedroom. He's sweet, never a raised voice, never snappy, never stepped out on the relationship. He takes being a husband seriously. We get along great, same taste in movies, games, same sense of humor, same views on parenting.

In the last year I've picked up some weight that I'm pretty self conscious about. Nothing crazy, I can still fit into last years jeans, but enough that it bothers me. He doesn't see any kind of problem. He says I'm beautiful, that he's attracted to me, that I shouldn't change anything about myself unless I want to. But the sex has declined to maybe twice a week, if I bring it up. 

Ordinarily I'd say the stress has been causing it, and at one point it probably had. But, he has an amazing job now with the kind of pay that lets us live comfortably, we've been settled into our new house for several months now, health is great (barring the weight thing) and he enjoys his job. So I'm not sure why we went from having amazing sex almost every day of the week to barely any. 

I've tried to discuss it with him, he doesn't get defensive, he just says he's tired. I heard that in my last marriage. I've noticed a pattern of I'll bring it up and be upset about it, and he'll apologize and that night we'll have sex. When this first started happening I asked him if he wanted it and he said sometimes he was just doing it so that I wouldn't be upset. After seeing how much that bothered me he said he'd never do something like that again and since then if I do try to initiate something and he's too tired or something he'll just say so. Cool, no big deal, right? Honesty is the best policy. But that conversation did more damage than I'd like to admit because a lot of times I'm questioning whether he's doing it because he wants it or because he doesn't want to hear me *****. It's definitely a damper on the mood. 

Used to, when we'd have sex it was some crazy stuff. Fetish kinds of things and whatnot, for the sake of discretion I won't disclose the details. But now it's strictly vanilla. I can literally tell you start to finish how it's going to go. In a word, it's BORING. 

I know this probably sounds selfish and maybe I should be happy with a kind and caring husband that does everything right outside of the bedroom, but I need answers. I think the ones he's giving me are too simple because I can't see a person going from tearing his wives clothes off daily to barely looking at her. I could walk through my living room naked and he wouldn't bat an eye. 

Any advice, guys? Any input? Maybe I just need a different perspective. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Someone help me out. 

Thanks.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Cannot say. 

Maybe I would start by saying you do need to loose the weight. I know I have an issue with weight on my wife, but I explained it to my wife when we met. Maybe your husband is too "nice" to say so. I've never met another guy, besides me, who was brave enough to say what he really thought, and lots of guys actually do care. From what they say when you aren't listening, it matters a lot to most guys.

I was never that nice, and always said what I thought.

Other than that, it is most likely the Madonna complex. Once a woman becomes a wife, and especially seen as a child's mother, instead of a girlfriend, she becomes the mother Mary, and too sacred to be a sex object any more.

Who knows, though.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He should have never said that....about having sex just to please you.

It sounds like you brought some 'odd' baggage from your old marriage, into the new one.

You may be intimidating him. He feels inadequate. What with your need for wild sex.

He has grown bored with that. You have grown bored with vanilla sex.

The answer is simple. Tell him again, that you want more frequent sex. And that you will continue to initiate to get it. Tell him not to stress out!

Tell him that you want to use sexual activity to lose weight. Be the dominant one in the bedroom doing the bondage stuff or whatever. Please him while you please yourself.

Grab him by the ear and tell him to get to the bedroom.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

It might be the weight gain, it might be he?s working hard and he?s stressed. I?ve been there. The sex got boring, body was too tired to exert energy needed to get a really good session. It might be that you?re too forward in your verbal disappointment. 

Here?s my advice: give him a really good BJ, just out of the blue, when he?s not expecting it, if he?s in the shower just go in and get on your knees and start going, if he?s sitting on a chair just go over and kneel in front of him and go, if he?s laying just lay your head on his stomach and then go. Give him the best BJ you can and make him feel really good. Tell him he looks tired and you just want to take care of him. 
It?ll make him feel good, it will turn him on thinking about the amazing BJ for days when he thinks of it. Walk around the house seductively sometimes, be naked in front of him more, take a little longer to get dressed in front of him. Suggest a night or weekend away, hotel sex is usually hotter.
These are things my wife does, I know she?s doing it deliberately, and it keeps me interested. 
Maybe he doesn?t like the forwardness of your advances, you sort of sound like your pressuring him. Tone it down verbally, raise it up using your female charm and suggestive physical queues. Good luck.


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## UnderPressure (Nov 2, 2017)

You're right, I ran into similar problems with lack of sex with my ex husband. 

But here's the weird part: he waves his freak flag way higher. Or did, anyway. He's the type of guy that has zero issues with trying anything out. That's part of what's so confusing about all of this. I don't understand why he would want to have boring old vanilla sex when I know the kind of things he's into. I've brought up doing some of the things we used to do and he agrees to it and then just never follows through. If anything happens it's when I get drunk and do it myself. I'm at my wits end with the situation. As much as I don't want to doubt how he feels and all the reassuring things he's said when I've brought it up, I'm a firm believer that actions speak a lot louder than words do. I'm not sure what more I can do to show him how much he means to me and how attractive I find him. A little reciprocation would be nice sometimes.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UnderPressure said:


> Any advice, guys? Any input? Maybe I just need a different perspective. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Someone help me out.


 @UnderPressure you need to have a clear understanding of why you want to be intimate with your husband. Here is a list of examples:



I need to know he desires me
If I can please him, he will enjoy the marriage more
Intimacy is very soothing for me on a stressful day
I feel distant from him and want to be closer
He is desirable and I have urges
so on and so on

...and then have a discussion about that with your husband to help the two of you understand one another. His reasons for being intimate with you and why he enjoys it may be very different than yours. 

Using one example of stress. When some people are very stressed out, their bodies will actually begin to crave intimacy because it can be a very soothing experience. Other people can react the opposite way to stress in that they crave personal space and just want to be alone. If you and your husband are different in this way it is important that you both try to understand and appreciate the differences in your personalities before working together on a compromise. 

Regarding your weight gain... while physical appearance can indeed enhance intimacy, it is important that your intimacy is based on way more than just a physical attraction toward one another. In a long term relationship intimacy takes place in the mind much more to than on the surface of your skin. This is why couples that are well past their 60's are capable of enjoying intimacy like you would never imagine. It is because they have learned to just be themselves and make themselves known intimately to their spouse with their personality in ways that are arousing much more so than what can be accomplished than just rubbing their bodies together as when they were young. Some couples are able to progress from intimacy being just physical into an experience of it being almost purely mental/emotional. Those that are too focused on physical beauty tend to miss out on about 90% of what making love to their spouse is really all about. This is why confidence and being yourself is way more attractive and arousing than just having a perfect figure. The confidence I am talking about comes from within and is shared with your partner, not the kind of self confidence that you receive from your spouse.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

UnderPressure said:


> I don't understand why he would want to have boring old vanilla sex when I know the kind of things he's into.


I'm going to add a vote to SunCMars - that this is showing feelings of inadequacy. Non-sexual stressors can contribute to this, too. Being a step dad causes a man
to seriously look at himself, the kids may be a constant reminder that he has a "competitor" who was in your past. Financial can also make a man feel mediocre. If he
has a good job now, then time may ameliorate some of those feelings. 

Did he have a prior marriage, or is it his first?



UnderPressure said:


> I've brought up doing some of the things we used to do and he agrees to it and then just never follows through.


This indicates that he wants to do those things, but is somehow inhibited, like "stage fright", in which the performer really wants to perform, but shame is perhaps the most powerful emotion in us.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

UnderPressure said:


> Throw me some advice, guys.
> 
> Married for less than a year, and its be a pretty tough one. We've had several issues thrown at us: new jobs, financial issues, health issues on my part, a move to a new town, all sorts of stress inducing factors. He's an amazing guy. A great dad and step dad to our kids, an amazing husband outside of the bedroom. He's sweet, never a raised voice, never snappy, never stepped out on the relationship. He takes being a husband seriously. We get along great, same taste in movies, games, same sense of humor, same views on parenting.
> 
> ...


Of everything you said, the most troubling is that you have been married less than one year and are already experiencing a sexual slowdown. This is not good. You and your hubby should still be on the honeymoon phase of your relationship.

How long did you date before tying the knot? 

If it was less than 2 years, then I worry this may be a bait and switch. It could also be that if you were the first person he dated after his divorce, the kinky sex might have been part of his 'experimentation' phase following his sexless marriage.

If it was longer than 2 years, then it could be just as others have suggested: stress, your weight gain, masonna/***** complex, you're pressuring him, or any one of hundreds of other reasons.

Having experienced similar with my husband, I can tell you the reasons for it don't really matter. What does matter is whether or not the incompatible sex is reason enough to leave the relationship. IoW, can you be content married to a man who does not fulfill you sexually but whose other qualities as a father and husband are stellar. 



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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are a lot of threads here on similar issues, so its worth checking those out. 

For most men, a mild weight gain is not a problem at all. I doubt that is related.

Any medical issues, or in particular any medication? Some medications can strongly suppress sexual desire.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Here is a great thread with lots of resources about this very issue...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

uhtred said:


> There are a lot of threads here on similar issues, so its worth checking those out.
> 
> For most men, a mild weight gain is not a problem at all. I doubt that is related.
> 
> Any medical issues, or in particular any medication? Some medications can strongly suppress sexual desire.


I agree that it's not likely caused by a minor weight gain.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

If you can fit into the same jeans I don't think it is the weight gain either.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UnderPressure said:


> Throw me some advice, guys.
> 
> Married for less than a year, and its be a pretty tough one. *We've had several issues thrown at us:* new jobs, financial issues, health issues on my part, a move to a new town, all sorts of stress inducing factors. He's an amazing guy. *A great dad and step dad to our kids,* an amazing husband outside of the bedroom. He's sweet, never a raised voice, never snappy, never stepped out on the relationship. *He takes being a husband seriously*. We get along great, same taste in movies, games, same sense of humor, same views on parenting.
> 
> ...


My two cents. You are looking at it the wrong way. This man is your husband and from the sound of it a really good one. He is father to a step child and your child.

You have some fears from your previous marriage that are speaking to you and you need to get those fears dealt with. Your fears are not his fears, but they should be important to him

Sex daily to sex twice a week is not a sex starved marriage, When your sex life deteriorate to once every few months to never again, then you would be in a sex starved marriage and that is what many of us have faced.

As to going from kinky to "BORING" listen to your husband, he probably is tired being full time employed and a great father to two kids. Again, have you really listened to him and tried to understand what he says or do you focus more on what "you" want. As to not doing kinky, how do you really do wild and kinky with two small children under the roof? 

If wild and kinky is really important to you, figure out if the kids can stay at grandparents for a one week vacation for the two of you or if you can send them to summer camp and plan WITH YOUR H, a kinky get a way.

You need to look at your glass as half full and not half empty. If you can't then you should ask him to get some marriage counseling where you can discuss your fears, your needs and get help in realizing how the two of your can find a compromise you both can live with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Unless you've gained more than 50+ lbs and have grown a couple more chins in the last year,the weight has nothing to do with it. 

Most guys won't even notice a 10-15lb weight gain at all, and assuming you are otherwise clean and hygienic and are sexy and DTF, a wife's weight gain is not going to negatively affect her H's sexual response until the weight gain is in the 50+ range.

This is assuming a reasonably fit and healthy baseline weight when they were dating.

If your doctor hasn't said anything about your weight gain in the last year and isn't urging you to lose weight or die an early death, then I feel pretty confident in saying your H's lack of desire is not weight related. Your doctor will be concerned about a rapid weight gain before a typical man will lose his his sexual interest because of it.


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## UnderPressure (Nov 2, 2017)

He has one prior marriage that ended almost five years ago. He had issues with lack of intimacy with her, to the point that he was asking for it and she was turning him down. Later he found out about a 9 month long affair she'd been having. So he understands what kind of feelings are brought up by rejection.


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## UnderPressure (Nov 2, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> My two cents. You are looking at it the wrong way. This man is your husband and from the sound of it a really good one. He is father to a step child and your child.
> 
> You have some fears from your previous marriage that are speaking to you and you need to get those fears dealt with. Your fears are not his fears, but they should be important to him
> 
> ...



The reduced intimacy is something I can live with, because he's truly an amazing person and a wonderful father to our children. He never has an unkind thing to say and is more patient than anyone I've ever met. I can live with that. The thing that is troubling me the most I think is not knowing why he's not so interested anymore. I wonder if maybe I'm not doing enough for him. In my previous marriage, there wasn't anything I could do that was enough to make my ex happy. There was no father/daughter or father/son relationship between him and our kids, no marital relationship inside or out of the bedroom. If it was brought up he was defensive. Now that we've divorced and he's found a new wife, they're out together all the time and he actually takes the kids out to do things. I guess maybe I wonder if this is the start of the decline of our marriage the same way my last one ended. I'm afraid of sinking into the same kind of marriage as before and that this is just the start. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing man in mine and my childrens' lives, but what if this is his way of beginning to back out? 

In response to your question about being kinky with kids in the house, it's not difficult when they sleep like the dead and we're making it a point not to be loud.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

UnderPressure said:


> The reduced intimacy is something I can live with, because he's truly an amazing person and a wonderful father to our children. He never has an unkind thing to say and is more patient than anyone I've ever met. I can live with that. The thing that is troubling me the most I think is not knowing why he's not so interested anymore. I wonder if maybe I'm not doing enough for him. In my previous marriage, there wasn't anything I could do that was enough to make my ex happy. There was no father/daughter or father/son relationship between him and our kids, no marital relationship inside or out of the bedroom. If it was brought up he was defensive. Now that we've divorced and he's found a new wife, they're out together all the time and he actually takes the kids out to do things. I guess maybe I wonder if this is the start of the decline of our marriage the same way my last one ended. I'm afraid of sinking into the same kind of marriage as before and that this is just the start. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing man in mine and my childrens' lives, but what if this is his way of beginning to back out?
> 
> In response to your question about being kinky with kids in the house, it's not difficult when they sleep like the dead and we're making it a point not to be loud.


How old is he? Does he exercise? What's his weight? Has he had his testosterone levels checked?
I would have him get a complete physical including having his testosterone levels checked. 

If you rule everything physical out, then find a good sex Therapist and get some professional help. You have a good foundation in your marriage - go get help with the sex issue. You both seem to have some issues from your previous marriages and it sounds like you (for sure) and possibly your husband too, are carrying some of those issues over into this marriage. If you rug sweep this issue you could both be twice divorced. Deal with it with professional help. We can only try to guess what is going on. The answers need to come from your husband and the fix will take both of your efforts.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

There is more to this than meets the eye. He is either tired, or perhaps not in the mood due to stresses etc. Taking on another mans kids can be taxing to the ego. He might not admit it but he might be feeling the pressure. Insist he goes to the doctor to get his testosterone checked.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

UnderPressure said:


> He has one prior marriage that ended almost five years ago. He had issues with lack of intimacy with her, to the point that he was asking for it and she was turning him down. Later he found out about a 9 month long affair she'd been having. So he understands what kind of feelings are brought up by rejection.


 How long did you date before getting married? 

Was he into kinky things with his previous partners post divorce? 

Eta: If the drop in sex isn't a reason to leave the relationship, then you should stop making it such a big deal. 

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

UnderPressure said:


> He has one prior marriage that ended almost five years ago. He had issues with lack of intimacy with her, to the point that he was asking for it and she was turning him down. Later he found out about a 9 month long affair she'd been having. So he understands what kind of feelings are brought up by rejection.


First thought - our pasts affect our current and future, but not always in the way you'd expect. If your husband was married to a woman who had a lower drive than him, and she was turning him down, you would expect him to be thrilled at having a wife like you. And no doubt he was - for a little while. Now, it seems as though he has the exact opposite in a wife, yet here he is, turning you down. Doesn't make much sense, does it?

But in his previous marriage he was the high drive partner. Now he's not. And with that comes a certain pressure to keep up. So the irony is that he is now likely experiencing something similar to what his ex wife felt during that time.

I can tell you that my wife kind of did (or is doing) something similar. Circumstances are different, but the somewhat backwards behaviour is there. She was in an LTR that ended before she and I got together. From what she told me, her sex life then was one-sided and boring. Basically a two-pump chump. She was lucky if it lasted long enough for her to get off (and that's saying something, because she's multi-multi-orgasmic...)

So - sex with me was pretty much the opposite. I care about her pleasure, and happily went to great lengths to make sure sex was satisfying for her. I still do, obviously.

But - something changed over time. ~2 years in I'd say. Our sex life used to rock her world, and she made sure she told me. She would tell me that nobody had ever spent that kind of time on her, or made the effort to really please her, etc. She had never really had more than a couple of orgasms during sex in her life (and often none with her most recent ex) and now she was having 4, 5 + every time. These days, she only wants one, from PIV. She'll stop me while I'm giving her oral so we can switch to PIV.

In other words, she wants it quick and hard these days, without all the extra stuff we (I) used to do. It used to be minimum 30 minute sessions. Now, it's maxed out at 10, and even that is pretty rare. She has also said that she doesn't want me to spend so much time on her - she wants us both to enjoy ourselves. Even though I've told her this IS how I enjoy myself the most, it hasn't changed anything. I wouldn't say she "wants it over with" - just that she no longer wants most of the focus to be on her (it never really was, I have to say, she took care of me quite well, too).

So she went from being thrilled that I cared about her pleasure, spent the time to do so - happily, to what we have now.

It sounds bizarre, right? My wife, your husband - they were getting what they wanted (or weren't getting before, anyway), and now they don't want it like that anymore.

Your husband has regressed to pretty much what he described his ex wife as being. My wife, too. It doesn't make sense.

But people do this ALL THE TIME. They compare themselves, and their partners, to their previous relationships. They claim they want the opposite, or if they have the opposite, they tell you they're thrilled. "He/she is not like my ex" is a familiar thought for most people.

But they can often regress - to exactly what they were used to, before. We're a product of our pasts, plain and simple. More in depth - our self worth is a direct result of how we were treated in previous relationships. It's not uncommon to do a complete 180 in many areas when starting a new relationship. The farther away from our exes, the better. But that doesn't always seem to last, and sometimes people simply regress back to what they were used to - what they feel they're worth.

My wife has said, in the past, that nobody satisfied her in bed the way I do. That nobody spent the time on her that I do. She relished this at the beginning. It's like being denied ice cream your whole life, then all of a sudden you're given the keys to a Baskin Robbins. You will probably go crazy, at first.

There could be many factors at play here. For example, I think my wife doesn't feel she's 'worthy' of this, for whatever reason. She's told me she doesn't want me spending so much time on her, that she wants ME to enjoy myself. Doesn't matter that this IS how I enjoy myself in the bedroom. But the first couple of years, she was thrilled that I cared about her sexual pleasure. But that's also a direct result of what she had gotten used to before me. It's almost, _almost_, like a "**** you ex-husband/wife! This person does it how you never did!"


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UnderPressure said:


> The reduced intimacy is something I can live with, because he's truly an amazing person and a wonderful father to our children. He never has an unkind thing to say and is more patient than anyone I've ever met. I can live with that. The thing that is troubling me the most I think is not knowing why he's not so interested anymore. I wonder if maybe I'm not doing enough for him. In my previous marriage, there wasn't anything I could do that was enough to make my ex happy. There was no father/daughter or father/son relationship between him and our kids, no marital relationship inside or out of the bedroom. If it was brought up he was defensive. Now that we've divorced and he's found a new wife, they're out together all the time and he actually takes the kids out to do things. * I guess maybe I wonder if this is the start of the decline of our marriage the same way my last one ended.* I'm afraid of sinking into the same kind of marriage as before and that this is just the start. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing man in mine and my childrens' lives, but *what if this is his way of beginning to back out? *


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

So her low sex drive=his low self-esteem ?

A man usually feels inadequate sexually as a result of being refused, and an affair usually "confirms" his worst fear, that he is sexually inadequate, and not that his wife is just low-drive. I'm really not surprised that your h exhibits this kind of reluctance. Shame is a very powerful emotional factor in choices we make.




alexm said:


> They claim they want the opposite, or if they have the opposite, they tell you they're thrilled. "He/she is not like my ex" is a familiar thought for most people.
> 
> But they can often regress - to exactly what they were used to, before. We're a product of our pasts, plain and simple. More in depth - our self worth is a direct result of how we were treated in previous relationships.


For a while, the oxytocin causes us to forget that we blame ourselves and our own shortcomings for the failure of prior relationships. But, as the chemicals dissipate, and life returns to normalcy, all the reasons we chose before come back.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you are really OK with a low intimacy marriage, then that is absolutely fine. 

There may be nothing at all wrong. A lot of people just don't have very high libidos. It may not reflect any other problems in the marriage. That said, has there been a decline in other things you do together? (you may have said somewhere and I missed a post). 



UnderPressure said:


> The reduced intimacy is something I can live with, because he's truly an amazing person and a wonderful father to our children. He never has an unkind thing to say and is more patient than anyone I've ever met. I can live with that. The thing that is troubling me the most I think is not knowing why he's not so interested anymore. I wonder if maybe I'm not doing enough for him. In my previous marriage, there wasn't anything I could do that was enough to make my ex happy. There was no father/daughter or father/son relationship between him and our kids, no marital relationship inside or out of the bedroom. If it was brought up he was defensive. Now that we've divorced and he's found a new wife, they're out together all the time and he actually takes the kids out to do things. I guess maybe I wonder if this is the start of the decline of our marriage the same way my last one ended. I'm afraid of sinking into the same kind of marriage as before and that this is just the start. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing man in mine and my childrens' lives, but what if this is his way of beginning to back out?
> 
> In response to your question about being kinky with kids in the house, it's not difficult when they sleep like the dead and we're making it a point not to be loud.


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