# Eating and Sleeping Alone Isn't Fun



## Lonely444 (Oct 6, 2011)

I am 46 YO. Husband is 43. He was a customer of mine when we met. I had just ended a 20 year marriage. He was married. We were JUST friends. Then his wife died of a heart attack (only 36 YO). When he was ready to date, he asked me out. Eventually, our relationship evolved and he asked me to marry him. He had 3 children still at home. I said yes to the proposal but said that we had to wait one year, which we did. At that time, I was a recreational drug user, which he knew. He told me that he would not marry me as long as I used. I quit. Things went well. I cannot remember how it happened, but he ended up using drugs. It has been 3 years now. I have asked, begged, threatened for him to stop. (I now partake also). It has ruined our lives. We had a business which is gone now. Just got evicted this past weekend due to non-payment. House is in foreclosure. Filing bankruptcy. Vehicle is in jeopardy due to title loan. Hospital bills due to an acquaintance breaking his face. His kids no longer live here (now 21, 18 and 17). The two youngest got tired of our constant fighting - I believe they know about the using. We haven't had television since February. His mother has been buying our groceries since May. He has several lawsuits from customers that did not receive services they paid for. I keep telling him he knows what the problem is and all he has to do is get rid of that problem. He has to sever all ties with anyone that has anything to do with his addiction. He acknowledges this but still will not quit. Says he isn't done yet. When we married, he told me (and my dad) that he would take care of me. I thought that meant emotionally, spiritually. Over time it became apparent that he meant financially - which isn't happening now. I am currently out of deodorant, facial lotion, toothpaste and toilet paper. At times, I had to resort to paper towels in lieu of feminine products. I keep believing him when he says he is going to fix everything. I eat alone every night. I go to bed alone every night. I sleep with the dog more than my husband. When I try to talk to him, he tells me it isn't the right time. Then yells at me for *****ing too much. Most days I don't even get out of bed. I quit my job when we married so I could help him with his business. When he started using at the business, I stopped going in. I gave my car to brother when I married him - I didn't need it. I gave away most of my household items - didn't need them. Now I need all those things if I leave him. I have to cash in cans to get things I need now. I know he is a good man at the core. I also know that I need to leave and if he gets help, try to work on the relationship then. I just don't know how - no job, no vehicle, no money. My folks live in a small 1 bedroom cottage. My mother has terminal cancer and my dad has health issues. One brother lives from couch to couch and the other brother has a family of his own with issues. I don't know how to get out. Legal aid in my area does not deal with divorces. I have 76 cents in my purse. I gathered $2 in cans today. I have asked him to give me a divorce and he will not do it. He will fight me even though it will cost so much. I tried to get jobs in the past and he will not allow it. I looked into homeless shelters and I do not qualify for those. I don't have any friends left that would be willing to put up with the scenes that he would cause if they let me stay with them. Any suggestions?


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## Lonely444 (Oct 6, 2011)

It is almost 3:00 a.m. here. My husband is still not home. Went on a job, which I never know if he is being truthful about. He is actually trying to feed his habit now. I had my bags packed this a.m. He hid my purse and blocked me from leaving and once again convinced me to stay. I usually eat at 5:00 p.m. but put it off so we could eat together. He came home at 10:00 p.m., greeted the dogs and ignored me. I still fixed him a plate of dinner and took it to him in the living room where he had already got on the laptop to play games on the couch. I then fixed myself a plate and sat on the loveseat. I ate, he played. No conversation. He then had me listen to a voicemail from yet another customer who is going to sue him. I cried. He went to the garage and then announced he had to go back to the job. He is now sitting in a convenience store parking lot with someone trying to get what he needs for his habit. This happens almost every night. I don't get any quality sleep. Worry he's going to get hurt, jumped, arrested. Then I never know who he might bring home. I end up staying in my room while he "entertains" these people. He says I'm being rude by not going down to the basement with them. Please give me suggestions on what to do. No vehicle, no money, no job. Sick parents. There has to be a solution, I just can't see it.


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## Lonely444 (Oct 6, 2011)

I just got a phone call from him - he is on his way home. I don't want him to know that I am trying to find help so I am logging off and will check for any responses later today. Any advice will be appreciated. I want to be clear that he has never harmed me physically and would not do that. I just want to get something figured out without him knowing at this point. I need to get my inner strength back. Thank you


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Well it seems to me that just about everywhere drug use is illegal. If you know that he's out buying or selling, then report that illegal activity and see if he can get picked up. Then make your move while he's being held. 

If you have divorce papers filled out, then have him served in jail. If you're leaving, go out the door. Whatever it is, use that time, you know? I don't know how involved he is in whatever he's using, but he could even get sentenced to rehab and then you'd have plenty of time to work out a plan....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Why won't a homeless shelter take you? You have no money and nowhere to go. What do you need to do - go live under a bridge to get into a shelter? And I'm not saying that in a funny way or to diminish the problems you are facing. 

You are married to an addict who hasn't hit bottom. He may never hit bottom. I grew up with addicts, married addicts, and know what it is all about. Many only hit bottom when they're six feet under. Tragic, but true.

The first thing I learned, the hard way, is I could not rely on an addict for anything. Zip. Nada. I also learned that I was way too involved with what the addict was doing, keeping tabs on his life, trying to get him to see the light, quit using, and get into some type of rehab. He kept using. I continued to go crazy.

If the homeless shelter will not take you, call the Salvation Army in your area. Hopefully, there is one. They will take anyone in who asks, or help you find shelter. Call the YMCA or YWCA. 

When you tried to leave before and your husband knew it, he hid your purse "and blocked me from leaving" (your words). You don't think he wouldn't get physical if you left? Don't put it past him. At this point, I agree w/Gypsy. See if you can get the cops to discover him making a drug deal, then get the hell out. 

You are living, first-hand, with what addicts do: they drag everyone down with them who is in their path. Addiction is an equal-opportunity destroyer. Get out or be dragged under.

Please update us when you can do so safely.


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## Lonely444 (Oct 6, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Well it seems to me that just about everywhere drug use is illegal. If you know that he's out buying or selling, then report that illegal activity and see if he can get picked up. Then make your move while he's being held.
> 
> If you have divorce papers filled out, then have him served in jail. If you're leaving, go out the door. Whatever it is, use that time, you know? I don't know how involved he is in whatever he's using, but he could even get sentenced to rehab and then you'd have plenty of time to work out a plan...
> 
> ...


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