# Newlywed wife is telling me I can sleep around?



## mets4life (Jun 20, 2011)

Yeah, basically how it sounds. Here is some background situation

I got married in august, and my wife told me prior to getting married she wanted to try a 3way with another woman, which i wanted. 

Well I met this girl who kept flirting with me hardcore and i told the wife about it. she told me to ask her about a 3way, which i did but then the girl said no she didnt want that. So i just kinda laughed at her advances and would relay them to my wife.

My wife isnt a bitter or jealous woman and always thought the stories were funny, then recently she went out of her way to tell me i had a free pass with whoever i wanted, that i could sleep around as long as i was upfront. We've never had an open relationship.

At first I was kinda amazed by her and then I realized I would never want her to sleep around and the thought kills me, so how is she so ok with me sleeping around?

Any thoughts on why she is allowing/doesnt care if i do this?

I havent cheated FWIW or taken her up on the offer...

oh also i am 26 shes 25, neither married before and no kids


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Don't ask us--ask your wife. If she is interested in "other" sexual relationships, she may find her sex life with you too understimulating and this is her way of getting you to expand your sexual repetoire. Or she's already having sex outside the marriage and wants you to do so, too, so she doesn't feel guilty. Both are possible explanations, but you need to talk it through with her, without being judgmental about her sexual proclivities. Yes, you have a right to feel misled and lied to if she knew that exclusive sex with one man would not be enough for you and married you without telling you. But her sexual interests are not inherently "wrong," just different. 

Keep in mind that you could be in for a wild sexual ride if you find she does have these interests. But if you are unable to share her (like she is willing to share you), then the confines of marraige may not be something she can live with long term. 

If she's just already cheating and offered the 3-way or your freedom just to cover & justify that, well, you have a very different problem.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Maybe she's Already found someone she wants to be with and she expects quid pro quo in the free pass department.What I don't understand is why she got married in the first place?


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## mets4life (Jun 20, 2011)

i think she got married for the wedding. she says calling me her husband is weird and thinks of me as her bf still. thats the only thing i can think of for why she got married, before the wedding/proposal she was all over me about settling down, now she doesnt care less about the institution


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

In my opinion she is either thinking about getting it on with some one else or already has. There are other things too that might make a person say this that are likely too. 

Don't take the free pass and don't give her one either. This is bad all around. She may think it sounds good and ok but might get a reality check if you take it and then it is all over for you.

Best advice. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart about it. Tell her your feelings and listen to hers and ask some questions (like why she is willing to give you a free pass?). I think that in a marriage if you can not agree then it should be a no go. Don't do anything you would not want her to do. Whats that golden rule again?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It sounds like SHE wants to sleep around, and telling you it's ok for you to do it makes her feel like it's ok for her to do it.
Any signs she may be doing it?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, what we suggest is not marriage and it's sad. I do know a true story of a similar situation. He went on a wild first date, with similiar crazy things and excitement. They got engaged. He apparently borrowed money, didn't repay it, they broke up and shed wanted the money back which he did not do. Big big mistake. 

She sued him, tormented him through numerous courts, filed for a restraining order, beat the crap out of him for the next two years, he spent thousands on lawyers unsuccessfully trying to stave her off, was a nervous mess when I saw him, and his funeral was last year, having died of a hard attack at 37 years old. If he took advantage of her initially, he messed with the wrong person, and she make him pay. Moral, get a nice girl and do nice things. Forget about the things you are thinking. It cost my friend his life.


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## mets4life (Jun 20, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> First, what we suggest is not marriage and it's sad. I do know a true story of a similar situation. He went on a wild first date, with similiar crazy things and excitement. They got engaged. He apparently borrowed money, didn't repay it, they broke up and shed wanted the money back which he did not do. Big big mistake.
> 
> She sued him, tormented him through numerous courts, filed for a restraining order, beat the crap out of him for the next two years, he spent thousands on lawyers unsuccessfully trying to stave her off, was a nervous mess when I saw him, and his funeral was last year, having died of a hard attack at 37 years old. If he took advantage of her initially, he messed with the wrong person, and she make him pay. Moral, get a nice girl and do nice things. Forget about the things you are thinking. It cost my friend his life.



NO Idea how this relates to me, maybe u misposted


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

mets4life said:


> i think she got married for the wedding. she says calling me her husband is weird and thinks of me as her bf still. thats the only thing i can think of for why she got married, before the wedding/proposal she was all over me about settling down, now she doesnt care less about the institution


Geez man maybe she married you for the security you could provide.During your engagement did you pretty much cave to what she wanted?IDK? She must have been masking who she really was all along,or surely you would have had some idea.Maybe in the end you'll be thankful you found out early instead of later.It sucks for sure.Sorry for your situation.


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## mets4life (Jun 20, 2011)

Maybe im a total idiot but how has this turned around on me that she's allwing me to sleep with other women bc she herself is already sleeping around? Seems counterintuitive. Im kinda lost there with that info. :scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she gay?

Could be that she now is married (security) but can be with women too.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

mets4life said:


> Maybe im a total idiot but how has this turned around on me that she's allwing me to sleep with other women bc she herself is already sleeping around? Seems counterintuitive. Im kinda lost there with that info. :scratchhead:


Most people who encourage their partners toward an open marriage do so because they want an open marriage themselves, are already sleeping around and are therefore hoping to get their spouse's approval for it, or don't want to put in the work it takes to make a monogamous marriage work and are telling their spouses to get their needs met elsewhere. If you are a spouse who wants a monogamous partnership and your wife is encouraging you outside the marriage, this is no good for you. If you want an open marriage (and are okay with her having other partners just as you have other partners), then you guys could make that work. However, spouses don't usually encourage each other to have sex outside the marriage unless they are already doing so; it's likely that she is either already seeing someone else or wants to be seeing someone else and wants your blessing. Good luck to you.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

mets4life said:


> Maybe im a total idiot but how has this turned around on me that she's allwing me to sleep with other women bc she herself is already sleeping around? Seems counterintuitive. Im kinda lost there with that info. :scratchhead:


Don't see how this has turned around on you. I can understand how it seems counterintuitive to someone when their gut wants to believe something else.I personally don't have an emotional investment in your situation,so my thoughts are more objective.Just keep in mind that they are just thoughts based on limited info.You can give them weight or discard them.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Swinging/3somes/sleeping around with others, with permission----many times lead to destruction for the mge

The offering spouse thinks they can handle---the recieving partner, what they think probably depends on the situation, and what started the the whole mess

Many times it all backfires---the offering spouse, can't handle the results, and there are times, that the recieving partner, ends up falling for the person they are having sex with

You should sit your wife down, and have a serious talk with her about where this is all coming from, also as others have said---she just may be looking for quid pro quo-----at best this is a red flag---at worst, you got trouble you don't even know about----it needs to be investigated, and if nothing more is going on, on her part than the offer---you need to discuss what mge., is all about---and put in some boundaries.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I gave my wife the same option of having sex with others. But the heart of the issue really was I wanted to have sex with others. If she had taken me up on it, I would have been able to use that as leverage to get approval from her for my sexual escapades. Thankfully she never took me up on it and I finally admitted to myself and her what I was trying to do.

We are in a good place now. To spice things up I have given her permission to have sex with others but I have sworn not to have sex with anyone else but her. It spurs the competitiveness in me to try to keep her sexually satisfied. And it makes her feel really sexy and uninhibited which is a reward for me! But we wouldn't be where we are today if we hadn't talked very openly and honestly about my motives.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sandc said:


> I gave my wife the same option of having sex with others. But the heart of the issue really was I wanted to have sex with others. If she had taken me up on it, I would have been able to use that as leverage to get approval from her for my sexual escapades. Thankfully she never took me up on it and I finally admitted to myself and her what I was trying to do.
> 
> We are in a good place now. To spice things up I have given her permission to have sex with others but I have sworn not to have sex with anyone else but her. It spurs the competitiveness in me to try to keep her sexually satisfied. And it makes her feel really sexy and uninhibited which is a reward for me! But we wouldn't be where we are today if we hadn't talked very openly and honestly about my motives.


I have read some of your past posts to get a feel for where you are coming from and at some point you regretted getting into the cuckold lifestyle. You also referenced how you knew of situations where the "bull" ended up taking the man's wife away because he took better care of her. In this post you sound like you are still doing this. You infer you had bad motives for doing this originally so have promised you will not have sex with other but are ok with beinf cuckolded.

It is thought by many that the cuckold lifestyle continually introduces the wife to competition of the husband. That it is ultimately a display of low value. The "bull" as you guys refer to it often whispers into the wifes, ear that they would never share her with another man. 

I get the sperm competition mechanism that is said to be the driving force for this, but all in all I do not understand why a man would for this thrill share his wife.

I guess I am lucky, I have never had a problem being hot for my wife. She means more to me than anything else in the world. Why would I share something so precious with some man who is just getting his rocks off. To me it devlaues the wife as well. Like she is a play thing and not a wife. 

To each there own but lets make sure we define this correctly as the cuckold lifestyle. There is nothing about this to me that raises the value of the husband. I suppose some men are afraid to lose their wives so they put up with being cuckolded. But often it is the husband that pushes for this. :scratchhead:

Glad I do not have this gene and I do sincerely feel sorry for those that do. I know that is probably condescending to say this but how that be hurtful to people who enjoy humiliation. However, I only post this as an indicator to any naive folks who do not realize what this is.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I have read some of your past posts to get a feel for where you are coming from and at some point you regretted getting into the cuckold lifestyle. You also referenced how you knew of situations where the "bull" ended up taking the man's wife away because he took better care of her. In this post you sound like you are still doing this. You infer you had bad motives for doing this originally so have promised you will not have sex with other but are ok with beinf cuckolded.
> 
> It is thought by many that the cuckold lifestyle continually introduces the wife to competition of the husband. That it is ultimately a display of low value. The "bull" as you guys refer to it often whispers into the wifes, ear that they would never share her with another man.
> 
> ...


E3K,
First off let me say that I agree in principle with everything you've said here. It is not a lifestyle I live, and not a lifestyle I condone. Second, my posts do tend to be a little confusing. I tend to multitask and not give my replies all the attention I should.

Again, I do not ascribe to the cuckold lifestyle, I'm not into being humiliated, the only bull around my house is me. We didn't get into that lifestyle, we dabbled in swinging which lead up to a full partner swap with another couple. Biggest mistake of our marriage. It may work for some, it didn't work for us.

I really had more than one motive for what I would more accurately call the hotwife lifestyle. The first as I have already stated was to have a trump card to play for any time that I ever an affair, she would have already had her "affair" and couldn't blame me. The other reason (and the reason I wanted to have an affair in the first place) was just her general lack of interest in sex. She would have sex as much as I wanted but never really found herself desirable or sexy, and I had convinced myself that she was just "servicing" my needs. I wanted more than just relief.

I convinced myself that she would be more interested in sex, more likely to initiate sex, more likely to be more adventurous in bed if she knew how desirable she really was. I always told her but I felt she didn't believe me. Then I thought that maybe if she could see how attractive and desirable other men found her it would unlock her inner vixen. I didn't really want to share her but I thought that maybe another man could help kick her drive into high gear.

Well, a lot of talking and deep sharing later, she and I both finally get it. She didn't and does not need nor want another man to help kick start her drive, she gets more satisfaction than she really needs from me. What she really needed was respite from our kids, respite from housework. I try to be far more helpful when I get home in the evenings, I try to take her on dates more often, I try to take her on trips without the kids more often. These little things have paid huge dividends. When she is rested and doesn't feel pressured let me tell you that inner vixen explodes!

But what about my giving her permission to have sex with other men? Really, this is just an extension of bedroom fantasy. She would NEVER take me up on it. But she has fantasies about having sex with other men. To enhance our bedroom play I take it out of the bedroom. It makes her feel sexy, it makes me compete for my wife's attention and affections.

Incidentally, you gave a couple of good reasons why some men get into the cuckold lifestyle. There is another reason I found among some in that lifestyle and that is latent homosexuality. Rather than be promiscuous with men (for whatever reason) they encourage their wives to do what they cannot.


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## mets4life (Jun 20, 2011)

sandc said:


> E3K,
> First off let me say that I agree in principle with everything you've said here. It is not a lifestyle I live, and not a lifestyle I condone. Second, my posts do tend to be a little confusing. I tend to multitask and not give my replies all the attention I should.
> 
> Again, I do not ascribe to the cuckold lifestyle, I'm not into being humiliated, the only bull around my house is me. We didn't get into that lifestyle, we dabbled in swinging which lead up to a full partner swap with another couple. Biggest mistake of our marriage. It may work for some, it didn't work for us.
> ...




Sorry but you two are hijacking this thread and I would still like to hear about my situation, not a cuckolding lifestyle between you and your wife.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry to hijack your thread. I thought you could learn something from our story but it appears you cannot.


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## jessica99 (Apr 3, 2012)

wow! first time to hear a situation like this.

could be your wife is also thinking of doing that thing so she's already giving you a headsup.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mets, your wife is either having an affair or getting ready to. I mean, what is there to talk about? Put a stop to it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If she thinks that the concept of marriage includes you sleeping around, then it's obvious that she'd be ok with herself sleeping around.

I would tell her flat out that you are only interested in a one man, one woman monogamous marriage, and if that's not what she has in mind she better tell you.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

mets4life said:


> my wife told me prior to getting married she wanted to try a 3way with another woman, which i wanted.
> 
> Well I met this girl who kept flirting with me hardcore and i told the wife about it. she told me to ask her about a 3way, which i did but then the girl said no she didnt want that. So i just kinda laughed at her advances and would relay them to my wife.


I have the same question as that_girl. 

Is she gay or at least wanting to experiment with other women?

That would be my best guess based on your comments.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

funny that you are so defensive about her possibly cheating, when you actually asked the same question 9 months ago...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/27242-she-showing-signs-cheating-behavior.html


as someone who almost went down the swinging road I can tell you it is truly a bad idea for about 99.8% of the population

in particular why it would never work for you and your wife is that you both have terrible definition of boundaries. It's extremely blurry and unclear as to what you both consider to be proper behavior and one of these days one of you will cross a line unknowingly and the sh!t will hit the fan. 

I seriously suggest you guys sit down and have a nice long and honest conversation over what is and isn't acceptable.


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## allisterfiend (Sep 29, 2011)

Start banging backpage escorts. No matter what a woman says, they all can not stand the fact that they are replaced with a hooker. 

And if that dont bother her, hire one that will do couples. And make her watch.


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

Sounds like she's bisexual and wants you to bring another woman into the bed to satisfy her urges.

I can think of worse problems.

As long as you deliver.

Otherwise she's likely to cheat on you with another woman.


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## zeeta (Apr 9, 2012)

I know a lot of people who don't have issues with jealousy. One of my friends lives with her husband and her boyfriend (they classify themselves as polyamorous), and I once asked one of her guys about how it made him feel. He said he knows it doesn't mean she loves him any less.

I'm not suggesting that SHE is like this, in fact from the little information you have given it does sound like she wants that herself and needs you to do it first, but I'm throwing it out there just in case it applies to her. I mean that she still loves you and would not feel any less loved if you slept with someone else. It's an arrangement that works for some people.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Is she gay?
> 
> Could be that she now is married (security) but can be with women too.


This is always a real possibility. I don't know any men that it applies to, but I know a few women who are _mostly_ gay but still have a straight relationship. It seems like a pretty cool setup. Sleep with anyone they want but they still have their normal family and kids. Some people don't know this, but you can't have babies with just 2 women.
A lot of guys don't even seem to mind. It doesn't really feel like as much of a betrayal if she's after something you can't provide. 




> Swinging/3somes/sleeping around with others, with permission----many times lead to destruction for the mge


One of my friends said the rule of thumb is that you should NEVER have a 3-way with the same person you have a relationship with.
I can only guess, but I think it might have something to do with division of attention. With 2 women in the room, one will get more attention than the other. You've slept with your wife lots of times so it's probably the new woman that gets more attention. Now you're in trouble because you're too into that other girl and ignoring your wife. 
Then again it might work fine if both you and the wife are more into the other girl. Then it's like team work or something.




> We are in a good place now. To spice things up I have given her permission to have sex with others but I have sworn not to have sex with anyone else but her. It spurs the competitiveness in me to try to keep her sexually satisfied. And it makes her feel really sexy and uninhibited which is a reward for me! But we wouldn't be where we are today if we hadn't talked very openly and honestly about my motives.


Even if you didn't promise that, that's how it would end up. It's weird, but I think most women are gay. Not just a little gay, but completely gay. I tried the open relationship thing and what I found is that women who were my friends actually became more distant. When I'm not available, it's ok for us to get drinks together and watch movies. As soon as I'm available in some way, there's a bit more distance, like we're suddenly not friends anymore. Maybe women have some gene that makes them want to destroy relationships or something. Hanging out with a married guy? Oooh, let's make him cheat on his wife! She doesn't care? Meh, next.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, before you got married, both of you agreed to bring a third party into the bedroom. Knowing that neither of you were really serious about having an exclusive sexual relationship, you got married. Now, you're confused that she might not want to be exclusively your's? Seriously?


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## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

From all indication, you may have approved the 3 way relationship with another woman in your marriage without having the deep understanding of the consequences.Now that you have at least a slight idea of the devastating effects, the best way out is to retrace your steps.Tell yourself and your partner the truth without sentiments,Why? The fact is that many young and bustling minds (like yours) who engage in such exhaustive journeys never come back with sweet tales.All you need to do is to consult more widely to avoid being a victim.If nothing else, please save yourself the agony associated with such a futile venture.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't get why you're confused!?!

You specifically asked, "Any thoughts on why she is allowing/doesnt care if i do this?"

And almost every single post has said the same thing: Your newlywed wife does not want to be monogamous! She is telling you that JUST you and her in bed together IS NOT ENOUGH.

* She wanted a 3-some BEFORE your marriage. You're ASSUMING it's you, her, and another woman. Maybe she wants you, her, and another man. Maybe she wants to try each way? How will you know if you don't ask.

* She doesn't think of you as her HUSBAND, but her boyfriend. Biggest difference is that a husband is someone you're in a permanent 1-on-1 relationship with for 'all eternity.' A boyfrend is not.

* She tells you it's okay to go out and have sex with other women. She is giving you permission. Why would she do this, you ask? Because in the future, she is going to tell you that SHE is going to have sex with someone else (not YOU) and at that point you MUST agree to it; because 'fair is fair', because 'what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander', because 'how can you be so SELFISH when I let you do what YOU wanted to.' Do you see where we're going with this NOW?? 

You said it would 'kill' you for her to be with someone else. Well, believe ALL OF US....THAT is where you are headed. She has been telling you this and you don't want to see it. You need to sit down with her and have a very honest, non-judgemental discussion of how SHE would like to see your sex lives progress. You 2 can then decide if you can agree on it, or if you 2 need to cut your losses.

If you say again that you "really don't get" what we're saying to you, then I call Bullsh*t! At which point I will simply conclude that you are just on here 'bragging' and waiting for the (hopefully never heard HERE) male chorus to chime in with "Damn, you the MAN!"


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