# Can someone please explain if it's just me?



## Mark82 (Nov 25, 2015)

To cut a long story short, I have had my issues. I've been paranoid about my wife cheating due to red flags, but I have also been stupid in questioning her about things, which if she is cheating will only make her smarter.

I have a slightly different question now. She seems to be completely comfortable with a life where she goes to work, comes home watches television and does a few chores once and a while. She doesn't want to make any friends as couples, or go and meet any new people.

So my question is...

Would a woman who is having an affair and getting both physical and emotional connection to a co-worker come home and display these traits? It got me thinking a bit deeper about things. If I saw a woman I had strong feelings for every day at work, talked to them about my marriage and my life and felt like they really "got" me in a way my wife didn't, that would keep my needs satisfied so I would never ask my wife for anything and come home happy and just switch off and chill.

My wife is that woman, she asks for nothing, she never talks deep, I ask her if I am fulfilling her needs and instead of opening a discussion about it she simply asks her why I asked her that and then shuts me down.

We've had a few years of hell I am not going to lie, and arguments, and me being paranoid but I just don't get why this woman never opens up to me ever. I am not expecting to talk about the meaning of life every tea time but PLEASE just give me one decent meaningful conversation off your own back for once, even if it's about us, our future, whatever — I get nothing... and that's why I worry.

I'll be honest, the last few years have been tough I have been depressed had issues, it's taken the toll on both of us and my confidence is low, but I know I am a good man with a good heart and I would never stray, but why do I think like this? Half of me says pull yourself together you coward, and the other half says maybe you are actually on to something here and the gut and instincts are subconsciously screaming at you!

Please don't ask me to spy on my wife, I don't want to do that I just want to know everyones opinion? Right now is make or break forever for me, I am 30, she wants kids and I either go after 10 years or I stay forever. I feel like I am following my Dads footsteps as he divorced at my age but then again he was cheating that's why.

Cause for concern?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I like to come home from work, veg out a bit (tv or internet) and that's about it. I don't want to talk much or have deep conversations. I'm tired and worn out. I am not having an affair. I'm an introvert who exhausts around people so when I'm home I need to have alone time to recoup. 

Is your wife an introvert?

She may just not be a person who needs that kind of conversation and you have a need for conversation. 
Conversation

Maybe sit down sometime (a weekend) and each fill out an emotional needs questionnaire to see where you both sit. Then you can talk about how to each meet each other's needs.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Oh and this one http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html (what to do when conversation becomes boring)


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's too hard to say whether you are paranoid or whether you have justification for your concerns, but one thing is clear, you are not happy in this relationship and you haven't been happy for a long time.

Bringing children into a broken marriage won't fix the marriage. Whatever needs you have that she is not filling, such as conversation, will only cause even more dissatisfaction once there are more stresses placed on your relationship.

I'm not sure you are approaching the lack of conversation in the right way though. You're starting straight off with a negative query. This may put her on the defensive immediately and make further conversation impossible. What happens when your conversation starts on a positive note?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening OP
You say you have been paranoid about her behavior in the past. I don't know what all that might entail, but maybe in the past you have voiced your suspicious, maybe questioned her. She may well have built up a defensive wall. She doesn't open up to you because she is afraid of how you will react. If so, it will take a long time of your not being paranoid for her to get over it. 

Has she done things to warrant your being paranoid? 

Please do not have children until you are in a happy relationship where you both feel comfortable that you can trust each other.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If you have a need for deep conversations and some attention from your wife, and she does not have a need for those same things, you are incompatible.

Does this mean you should divorce? Maybe, maybe not. Marriage counseling would certainly help the two of you decide if you can work through your issues.

I agree with @breeze. You clearly have not been happy in this relationship for a long time. I've noticed that you have started several new threads, each with its own topic or issue so to speak. You might get better advice if you write down your entire story about your marital concerns (including the in-laws who want to have sleepovers) and stick to one thread. It can be hard for posters to jump around from thread to thread and piece together the big picture.

Just a suggestion.


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## Mark82 (Nov 25, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I like to come home from work, veg out a bit (tv or internet) and that's about it. I don't want to talk much or have deep conversations. I'm tired and worn out. I am not having an affair. I'm an introvert who exhausts around people so when I'm home I need to have alone time to recoup.
> 
> Is your wife an introvert?
> 
> ...



She is 100% an introvert, this is good to know


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mark,
You have a sad, disconnected marriage that lacks trust on BOTH sides. She doesn't trust you and you don't trust her. 

Why would you possibly have kids with this woman? 

Let her find someone she loves - to have kids with. And give herself a shot at starting over.




Mark82 said:


> To cut a long story short, I have had my issues. I've been paranoid about my wife cheating due to red flags, but I have also been stupid in questioning her about things, which if she is cheating will only make her smarter.
> 
> I have a slightly different question now. She seems to be completely comfortable with a life where she goes to work, comes home watches television and does a few chores once and a while. She doesn't want to make any friends as couples, or go and meet any new people.
> 
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If I lived with someone that was paranoid and depressed, I'd avoid deep conversations with them, too. 

Because they would be a trap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You say you have red flags (which you do) and yet you say you don't want to spy on your wife but are only looking for opinions. Well my opinion is you are crazy to not spy on your wife given your situation - especially now that you have tipped her off.

If you are paranoid its not going to get better by not spying (excuse the double negative).


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

If your suspicions have been ongoing but you have never had anything definite you may find that she doesn't talk to you as you want to make anything she says fit into your suspicions so talking is pointless. I'm not saying she is or isn't seeing anyone else but if all you have is suspicions and you don't want to find an answer then you will just carry on as you are.

I really hope that you don't have any children as right now it sounds as if it would be a pretty miserable upbringing especially if you plan on leaving them in 10 years.

You need to find out what an introvert needs. After a day at work, presumably interacting with others, she will need some time to herself as she will be fully stressed out from the day. That is part of being an introvert.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mark82 said:


> To cut a long story short, I have had my issues. I've been paranoid about my wife cheating due to red flags, but I have also been stupid in questioning her about things, which if she is cheating will only make her smarter.
> 
> I have a slightly different question now. She seems to be completely comfortable with a life where she goes to work, comes home watches television and does a few chores once and a while. She doesn't want to make any friends as couples, or go and meet any new people.
> 
> ...


If this is the only basis for your suspicions, then I'm sorry but it just seems pretty weak to me. I am like this a lot of the time, like Slowly, I am an introvert, and interacting all day a lot of the time takes a lot out of me, and all I want to do is be home and do nothing. Your wife may be the same. 

Are there ANY other red flags? Such as being secretive about her phone? Excessive texting or messaging on Facebook? Does she go out of her way to look unusually good when she leaves for work? Is she disinterested in sex? If nothing else is unusual, then this may be just who she is. If you both can live with it is entirely up to you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What are the red flags you speak of?

Why don't you trust your wife?

If my husband was so paranoid and questioned me relentlessly I'd probably avoid deep conversations too, in case I inadvertently said something that set him off.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

marduk said:


> If I lived with someone that was paranoid and depressed, I'd avoid deep conversations with them, too.
> 
> Because they would be a trap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Wow. I was the paranoid depressive who set those traps. He's right.

Good post.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

It's good to see that even the "SHE'S CHEATING" crowd from TAM can't turn "no red flags" a red flag.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Mark82 said:


> My wife is that woman, she asks for nothing, she never talks deep, I ask her if I am fulfilling her needs and instead of opening a discussion about it she simply asks her why I asked her that and then shuts me down.


Is her birthday between 23 June and 22 July ?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Generally, a gut feeling is based on something worth paying attention to. While not always correct, very few betrayed spouses say they didn't have a gut feeling at some point that their other was cheating. I haven't read your other threads and don't know what red flags you might have had.

I think you should talk to an individual counselor to get a professional read on things. You could be paranoid in some way, but we can't tell you that with an authority. An IC can figure out if you're having distorted thoughts, or if maybe something related to your upbringing is making you overly sensitive to seeing red flags.

Ditto what all the others have said, don't have kids with this woman until your marriage is solid for both of you.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Lots of red flags here.

Time for the VAR in the car, monitor emails, phone records, social media, and go silent.

Don't tip her off or she'll go deeper undercover with her lover.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
what red flags? All I see here is that she is quiet. Maybe its in some other thread?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mark82 said:


> To cut a long story short, I have had my issues. *I've been paranoid about my wife cheating due to red flags*, but I have also been stupid in questioning her about things, which if she is cheating will only make her smarter.
> 
> I have a slightly different question now. She seems to be completely comfortable with a life where she goes to work, comes home watches television and does a few chores once and a while. She doesn't want to make any friends as couples, or go and meet any new people.
> 
> ...


Maybe go into detail w/ respect to the red flags that you've seen.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ok. Not sure about the cheating stuff. Unless you have another thread that I haven't read or you can elaborate beyond the initial post. 

Just from what you posted here - all I see you describing is my husband. 

Some people need to talk to feel connected, some don't. My H has pretty much the lowest threshold for deep conversation possible in the human race. He's just not a talker. 

I don't perceive it to be a slight against me or a "red flag" for cheating though...

I get that it's frustrating. Because I am like you and would be overjoyed if he would start conversation once in awhile. 

But you can't make her do that. There are a few things you can do to make her feel more safe to talk to you, though:

- Tone down your neediness. A lot. One of my saving graces is that I am actually an introvert too (along with my H) so I also need a lot of decompression time and I have a very demanding job that saps most of my energy. The more you pressure her to connect, the more you are creating an atmosphere that won't allow that to happen. 

- Try talking about neutral topics more often. If you are perceived as only wanting deep serious topics all the time, that is intimidating to most people. (I learned this the hard way. Was an only child and somehow missed the lesson on small talk as a kid.) It will seem petty to you, most likely, to talk about cat videos on YouTube or the last skit on SNL when you are dying for some substance. But you may notice that it will lighten the mood considerably and help your connection with her. She may warm up to you if you are able to be light and easy to talk to. I try to make sure I give us plenty of opportunities to laugh and have fun without expectation of more. 

- Try getting involved in a mutual parallel activity and THEN talking about something serious. I learned this from being a mom to a boy. My son will be coaxed into talking if we are staying active by doing something together. For example doing chores together. All of a sudden he will open up a bit after he's let his guard down. Surprise surprise - this technique works on my husband too.  We run/walk the track together at the gym and all of a sudden he'll start talking to me. We will be folding laundry and all of a sudden occasionally he will start talking. 

- Piggybacking on the above, if she does start talking, practice LISTENING. Don't jump to speak about everything you want to say. It's like the powers above have placed a million dollars on the table in front of you but if you make one wrong move it will disappear. If you are too forceful you'll ruin it and she will clam up again. I ask a lot of follow up questions - what did you do then? How did you feel about that? What do you think you'll do next? And never say anything about myself, my opinion or input until he's asked me for it. It is SO HARD to do this and is a work in progress for me. 

Hope this helps. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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