# Dealing with in laws....even future ones



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As I have mentioned before, I am on the verge of marriage and am trying to find some rules? guidelines? on how to conduct life.

How much contact should one have with their in laws. I don't think my bf's stepfather is trying to hit on me but he has contacted me twice through FB.

I am kind of sensitive to this kind of contact as in the past I can think of two guys that I dated who pandered to my parents and my meddling older sister. 

My mother has been absolutely vile maintaining contact with ex's both one of mine and my brother's ex wife.

So out of respect to others, I like to keep a polite distance to my partner's parents.

but how do the rest of you handle these web of relationships.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

First question... have you discussed/expressed these feelings to your fiance?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

WHAT?????

Okay, you originally posted a reasonable question, but then you said that your bf's stepfather has been hitting on you, and then you said that you have other problems in this area.

Really?

In general, I think it's a good idea to make accommodations (or, if you will, suck up) to the in-laws at first; an amiable family life is always preferable.

In your case, I don't even know what to say.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Gaia said:


> First question... have you discussed/expressed these feelings to your fiance?


Not directly. I get the feeling that it has been so long since my bf has introduced a steady gf to his parents that they are happy he has found someone who makes him happy. He's 42 and never married.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

She basically said she doesn't think the father is hitting on her but due to her own mother hitting on her ex's... she thinks its a possibility... at least thats what i got from it...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lamaga said:


> WHAT?????
> 
> Okay, you originally posted a reasonable question, but then you said that your bf's stepfather has been hitting on you, and then you said that you have other problems in this area.
> 
> ...


Lamaga, this is what I wrote:

****I don't think my bf's stepfather is trying to hit on me but he has contacted me twice through FB.****

Are you making an assumption that anything done through FB must necessarily between interpreted as hitting on someone?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Not directly. I get the feeling that it has been so long since my bf has introduced a steady gf to his parents that they are happy he has found someone who makes him happy. He's 42 and never married.


Well, imo, it would be best if you sat down and discussed this with your fiance. These sort of feelings, thoughts, ect are important to communicate.. especially if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this man. You two can also discuss what each of you will feel would be a comfortable amount of contact with the in laws would be.. then probably come to some sort of compromise? This is just what I would suggest...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Gaia said:


> She basically said she doesn't think the father is hitting on her but due to her own mother hitting on her ex's... she thinks its a possibility... at least thats what i got from it...


My mother wasn't trying to hit on my ex's. with one in particular, after I stopped going out with him, he started calling my parents. they would take the call, tell me what they talked about and then accused me of leading him one.

One time I was playing tennis in the park with a friend. This ex saw me and hassled me at the court enough that we stopped playing tennis and left. The guy I was playing with reassured me that he's had experience with a psycho ex as well.

that evening, i went to visit my parents. my mother told me that the ex called; had seen me in the park with another man and in then saw me in a romantic position. (that was new expression on me) She had the usual smirk on her face.

I've noticed that a few times after that when I have reminded her of that incident, she vehemently denies having said that.

As far as my brother, he and his first wife never had children, neither together or from prior relationships. Ergo, there was no need to maintain relations with her. And my mother used to go out with her and invite her to family activities...long after the separation, divorce and my brother dating his future second wife. Even my sister used to hang out with her during this period as well. I found out that the ex wife used to follow my brother and keep tabs about the women he was dating. and this was in the pre digital age.

So this is why I am sensitive to parent /child in law relationships.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Nope, NextTime, you are the one that said that.

Gee, officer, I don't think that guy was a drug dealer, but he sure was acting suspicious...

Why?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh yeah... you should really discuss that with your fiance... and possibly make it a point to tell your own parents how damaging their behavior has been?


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> As I have mentioned before, I am on the verge of marriage and am trying to find some rules? guidelines? on how to conduct life.
> 
> How much contact should one have with their in laws. I don't think my bf's stepfather is trying to hit on me but he has contacted me twice through FB.
> 
> ...


I'm a bit confused about your post, so let me get see if I'm understanding. Two of your ex-bfs have had sexual contact over the internet with your parents and your older sister. Your mother is still in contact with one of those ex-bfs and also your brother's ex-wife and now you are concerned that because your fiance's step-father is contacting you on facebook, that he might have other (possibly sexual) thoughts in mind?

As for me, my FIL talks to me on facebook all the time. We chat when we're both on, he comments on things I post, etc. My MIL doesn't communicate over the internet. My husband texts my older sister and communicates with my family members over the internet fairly regularly. I have an amicable relationship with my in-laws and we view each other in a parent/child sort of way. From what I've seen of the same sort of relationship between married couples and their in-laws, my relationship with my in-laws seems pretty average.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

Ignore my post. I suppose it was the word "pandering" that confused me the most.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ok, this interesting. I looked up the meaning of pander:

1.
a person who furnishes clients for a prostitute or supplies persons for illicit sexual intercourse; procurer; pimp.
2.
a person who caters to or profits from the weaknesses or vices of others.
3.
a go-between in amorous intrigues.
verb (used without object)
4.
to act as a pander; cater basely: to pander to the vile tastes of vulgar persons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was the 4th definition that was intended in my post. Nothing sexual going on between my parents, sister and ex bfs.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Nah, Seesah, lots of us were confused by this post.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*****As for me, my FIL talks to me on facebook all the time. We chat when we're both on, he comments on things I post, etc. My MIL doesn't communicate over the internet. My husband texts my older sister and communicates with my family members over the internet fairly regularly. I have an amicable relationship with my in-laws and we view each other in a parent/child sort of way. From what I've seen of the same sort of relationship between married couples and their in-laws, my relationship with my in-laws seems pretty average.******

I suppose it depends on what kind of parents you have. My mother and my sister are real meddlers. My mother has always tried to choose my friends (even at this late stage in my life.)

My mother was friends with someone who had a daughter. She and I had gone out a few times. After the death of the mother, my mother became very keen that I remain friends with her. but what I noticed was that every time this woman called me or e-mailed, my mother knew about it. WTF was going on here.

I've now decided that from my side, there will be impromptu / extemporaneous communication. I can tell, the first time my mother says to me "But your fiancé told me" it will be over with.

I just like to treat people the way I want to be treated.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hmm..

From your step fathers habit of contacting you it doesn't seem a"polite" distance is how their family dynamic works.

If your husband keeps a distance from his family then follow his lead but you're indeed marrying into his family and most western families I know won't think kindly of a new in law who is standoffish

You need to discuss this with your fiancé before you do irrepairable harm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> *****As for me, my FIL talks to me on facebook all the time. We chat when we're both on, he comments on things I post, etc. My MIL doesn't communicate over the internet. My husband texts my older sister and communicates with my family members over the internet fairly regularly. I have an amicable relationship with my in-laws and we view each other in a parent/child sort of way. From what I've seen of the same sort of relationship between married couples and their in-laws, my relationship with my in-laws seems pretty average.******
> 
> I suppose it depends on what kind of parents you have. My mother and my sister are real meddlers. My mother has always tried to choose my friends (even at this late stage in my life.)
> 
> ...


I think the best thing to do is to talk to your fiance and tell him your concerns. Have you tried to stand up to your family as well? It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic if they keep meddling where they are unwanted.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> *****As for me, my FIL talks to me on facebook all the time. We chat when we're both on, he comments on things I post, etc. My MIL doesn't communicate over the internet. My husband texts my older sister and communicates with my family members over the internet fairly regularly. I have an amicable relationship with my in-laws and we view each other in a parent/child sort of way. From what I've seen of the same sort of relationship between married couples and their in-laws, my relationship with my in-laws seems pretty average.******
> 
> I suppose it depends on what kind of parents you have. My mother and my sister are real meddlers. My mother has always tried to choose my friends (even at this late stage in my life.)
> 
> ...


I'm not really close with my mother-in-law, but I don't keep her at arm's length either. I am close to my parents and sisters, but they don't make my life decisions. You say they try to pick your friends for you. You have, essentially, let her. And, by getting rid of friends who she says, or even implies, have told her things "but your fiance told me..."... she KNOWS you will drop anyone who goes to her, so she could easily sabotage any friendship, any relationship, just because you are, without realizing it, looking for her approval...or disapproval. And she knows this. She uses it to her advantage. So, if she acts like someone DOESN'T tell her anything, you play right into her hands. Wouldn't it make sense to just talk to your fiance, or any other friends, and say "hey, please don't tell every aspect of our (friendship or relationship) to my mother. I don't want her to try meddling"

Now, about treating others as you want to be treated...so, you are saying you WANT to keep everyone at a distance? If your fiance's family isn't like that, expect a fight over boundaries, for sure. Regarding father-in-law, or step-father-in-law, or whomever... not everyone views in-laws contacting each other via Facebook or text or whatever to be odd. My family does it all the time. It is only odd if you are uncomfortable with it or if you are not used to it...or if YOU just find it odd. Best bet, as others have stated, is to just talk to your fiance and lay out all the cards.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I hang out with my inlaws with my husband not even around sometimes..

The problem you have has not one thing to do with your inlaws it is with your own family. Stand up to them and tell them you won't take them getting involved with your personal life anymore.

Does your fiance know about this? If so I highly doubt that he'd go talk to your mother about any issues you all might have.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It really depends on family dynamics and the couple's place in the family. My mother is a huge meddler who can become very difficult to be around when she does not get her way. Consequently, we see my parents once a month and we do not spend holidays with them. I do not like most of my extended family and I am not interested in being the subject of gossip. I don't want to be asked personal questions about our life. We are a very private couple.

My husband's family is a sixteen hour car ride away. We do not see them very often because of the distance. Last year, we spent our first anniversary in their province because my MIL planned a party for us since we eloped. This summer, my husband's aunt is having an anniversary party to celebrate fifty years of marriage. I convinced my husband to attend this event despite his reservations about taking another trip home so soon after the last one. We don't want to miss too many of our niece's toddler years. I call my MIL twice a month just to reach out and be friendly. I also talk to my SIL on FB all the time.

What are your fiance's boundaries? What kind of relationship does he have with the rest of his family? Those would be good places to start.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*"You say they try to pick your friends for you. You have, essentially, let her. And, by getting rid of friends who she says, or even implies, have told her things "but your fiance told me..."... she KNOWS you will drop anyone who goes to her, so she could easily sabotage any friendship, any relationship, just because you are, without realizing it, looking for her approval...or disapproval."*

I don't let my mother choose my friends these days. And I don't look for her approval. In fact, these days, she says she doesn't know who my friends are. How is that looking for approval?

When I was living in my hometown in my 20s, I looked at her introducing me to women my age as something that concerned parents do. I still say that if your mother is *not* a meddler, it is still a nice thing to do for your daughter. Since apparently my mother craves contact with people my age so that she can be "in the know", then she ends up shooting herself in the foot by telling me that she has been in touch with someone and then losing that connection that would put her in the know about what I do when she's not around. 

I have known that she has been in contact with someone because she will say something accurate like one friend has left me a voicemail. I have the voicemail and the only way my mother would have known this would have been from that (ex) friend. Same with the tennis incident, I did not tell my parents that I was playing tennis that day, I also had my own place so it's not like they would see me leaving the house with a raquette.



*So, if she acts like someone DOESN'T tell her anything, you play right into her hands.* I guess that means I would be friends with someone who could be feeding my mother info about me but I'm not aware of it. But that happens in many scenarios. This whole message board is built in part on the problems encountered when an outside person, aka a friend, tries to play family members (including married couples) off one another, as in inappropriate behavior or full blown affairs. 

But I have solved that problem with my mother by 1) living in another country day to day or face to face contact is next to impossible; 2) not introducing my friends to my mother. If there is ever one to show someone you're not looking for approval, it's by shutting them out of your life.


*Wouldn't it make sense to just talk to your fiance, or any other friends, and say "hey, please don't tell every aspect of our (friendship or relationship) to my mother. I don't want her to try meddling"*

My experience is that being direct about certain matters only creates new problems. How dare I tell other people who they can speak to or even attempt to control the content of conversation that they are allowed to have. My mother said that since I introduced her to that guy I dated (the one related to the tennis incident) that she had every right to speak to him when wanted to. Funny how family members of all sorts can put the need of others before those of their family.

I think it's far better to observe other people; see what they do and what they value. If someone gets off on creating drama, have an open and honest discussion about not contacting your mother or even your husband directly, is not going to get you what you want.

I started this thread to see how other people manage their in laws and see if I can learn from those examples. Maybe someone will have experienced having an "open and honest" discussion with the relevant people and it worked. IMO, such discussions are overrated. All people do is 1) bob their head in agreement;2) go back to doing exactly what they want to do; 3) scorn you for even having the nerve to think that you can control whom they can contact. But then isn't that WSs do?


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