# Looking for some opinions - all welcome but curious as to the guys' thoughts



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

I mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I are living in separate places (not OFFICIALLY) separated, but nonetheless....This was his choice - he had wanted a divorce, and may still want that. Honestly have no idea where his head is at. (Bare with me please, I should have posted a link to my previous thread)

One of our biggeser issues was intamacey (along with financial stress) -- My labido was just not up to par for a long time...I realize now that I made him feel unwanted, even though I did (do) want him, I just was unhappy with me.....

Well -- now it's back - seemingly full force, and I am not sure what to do. Do I try to talk to him? Do I find another "outlet"....Do I just deal with it.

Realistically someone else just doesn't seem right -- I am confident I'd feel guilty.

Contrary, I don't want to come across desparate if I contact him either.

BTW - we have NO agreement as far as anything other than he is at the house and I am with my mom (for now) and we work out bills 50\50. 

Thoughts, opinions...advice...PLEASE!


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

Check his cell phone records. My wife left and filed for divorce abruptly. I found she had texted another man over 1000 times. Sure makes it easier to leave with you have something lined up. Don't rush into any "outlets" they will just cause you and the other guy emotional harm. Find out whats wrong with your marriage. Cell phone bill is a great place to start.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If you are looking for reconciliation definitely don't go looking for some one else. My guess however would not be that your libido suddenly reappeared but more of a, you now want what you can't have, kinda thing. My desire for my wife went up big-time when she got involved in an EA and the marriage went sexless.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

You're right, you would most definitely feel guilty if you found another "outlet"...take care of yourself in the meantime. You would feel guilty and your marriage would most likely be guaranteed over, if nothing else it would never be the same and he wouldn't trust you for a long long time, and even then never completely. Keep yourself on the moral high ground.

Try to talk to him. Haven't read your other thread, but if this was the major problem in your relationship, then there is definitely a chance if that seems to have fixed itself on your end. Also don't know what you've tried to fix this together over the time it was a problem, but if it's back and you want him, try to show him that.

In general (and totally specualting because I don't know his/your personalities), as a guy, if my W moved out it would take some coaxing to open up to something like sex, as it would show a lack of strength on his part to just give in and get busy with you after taking a stand and deciding to separate.

Guys want to be admired, respected and "taken care of". Does he have either of the first two from you? If not, you have to try to get in front of him and start demonstrating those things...ask him out for lunch/coffee, then dinner, and progress from there, date him again, pursue him, make him feel in the driver's seat. Tell him he's looking great, and that all the girls must be all over him, but don't gush, just leave it at that, then change the subject...keep him guessing wtf. Ask him about work and let him spew whatever he wants. Maybe tell him you had a dream about him the other night...he asks what about...you just smile and say "oh, you know."

If you end up in a situation where sex may be on the table, be subtle (show some leg/unbutton your blouse a notch while just acting casual and talking w him?) and make him think it's his call to make a move. Once he does though, absolutely destroy him and make him feel like a king in bed. Then tell him "we should do this again soon..."


OR...

You could just text him and say "Want to f*** you, get over here."



That might work on me. Just being honest. Even if he turns you down on that one, it will stick with him for days...trust me.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Sham - that made me smile -- thanks. You know it is really hard to tell what guys think....I suppose they feel the same way about us females.  

The intamacy issue was 1 of the big two issues with us (financial being the other) - It came and went with me - I had fun when I did, but i just didn't want it as frequently as I did, and it gradually diminished .... it became a chore to get ready if that makes any sense (and that was me being unhappy with myself). So in the time that I've worked with my therapist - and time I've had with myself I've been able to focus on me (I say that because I took care of my husband - all appts, all details, all planning was left to me) - so I speculate that he began to look at me like a mother figure oppsed to a lover -- also a down fall. Hoever with that being said he felt he went months...when that was not true, the longest stretch was 2 weeks. But that I suppose is neither here nor there. 

I love him. I respect him (just didnt always show it in a productive manner), and admire him (again, didn't show it as I should have). There are all things I am learning about myself....and how I really wasn't the best wife I could/should've been. 

I want to show him that I know what I did wrong, and I know good ways to fix them and\or right the wrongs -- I just am not sure how to get to that point with him. 

Anew -- there isn't anyone else on either of our ends. From what I understand he just didn't want to fight\bicker any more and just seemed hopeless about us -- not all of it, but most of it was me, I just grew into someone with an ugly attitude (sad, but true).


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> I love him. I respect him (just didnt always show it in a productive manner), and admire him (again, didn't show it as I should have). There are all things I am learning about myself....and how I really wasn't the best wife I could/should've been.
> 
> I want to show him that I know what I did wrong, and I know good ways to fix them and\or right the wrongs -- I just am not sure how to get to that point with him.


Call him up and tell him directly. You're still his wife and you can rightfully request his attention. There is nothing desperate here. Love has returned, so be it


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> Well -- now it's back - seemingly full force, and I am not sure what to do. Do I try to talk to him? Do I find another "outlet"....Do I just deal with it.


You need to think about this.

Most women I have been with have a serious "I only want what I can`t have " syndrome.

Do you think your husband leaving and saying he wants a divorce has had this effect on your sex drive?

Because if and when you get him back after the hysterical bonding sex is done (God I love that kind of sex) you`ll most probably be right back where you started and he`lll be even more resentful because he`ll think you were just using the sex to trap him into returning.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Tacoma -- I've really thought about this -- because the little he has said to me is that he cannot trust that things will stay "good" as he put it. Which I understand completely. My answer to you is no I really don't think so because I've done a lot of work on me, and worked though (most) of the issues that were causing my (severe) unhappiness.....and it's not that I can't have -- I can have, however I know deep down it's not the right thing to accept offers from others right now ---- not until we are formally done (meaning my husband and I) -- does that make sense?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I can have, however I know deep down it's not the right thing to accept offers from others right now ---- not until we are formally done (meaning my husband and I) -- does that make sense?


It makes perfect sense and I`m glad you`ve given the possibility of "wanting what I can`t have" some thought.

I agree that you shouldn`t take a lover until you are certain the two of you are done.

However, since you are certain your libido change isn`t an emotional reaction to his absence I`m going to vote for Shamwow`s second option.

Text him "Want to f*** you, get over here."

I`m not kidding, make love and lay in the afterglow and talk, really talk about the rest.
Start dating again, throw out some ideas about the financial problems, communicate.
My wife and I often break through walls we`ve put up in these after sex talks as we`re more relaxed and really feeling the love for each other.
We`re able to be more compassionate and really listen.

Don`t get too deep the first time just let him know you want to work it out and you need to be able to communicate with him.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Hi there --- 

Ok update - meeting with my husband Wednesday. He seems to be in a joking light hearted mood when I sent him a text today RE: just going at it. He said he was surprised....and asked me if I was sure. I said yes, provided he was being safe, and that he wouldn't hand me divorce IMMEDIATELY after. He at that point wrote back LOL no, I won't have papers for you...and we corresponded a bit more. 

So now I'll be honest here -- just sex is fine with me right now....it's needed. However I do have a list of things to talk to him about --- including telling him about how I (unfortunately) went wrong in our relationship, and how I've had time to really think clearly about it. EX - I have learned that I was so unhappy because I spent my life completely focusing on him, and worrying myself sick over financial stuff...so I neglected myself....well I've been able to get my stuff together, and I feel better than I have in years.....so....I am looking for a good way to convey this to a guy. I find that I am in the minority in that my husband no longer wnted to be together, not I (the female). 

As always - thanks again!!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

JennaLynne,

I think you're doing really well here. My humble advice is that saying less is better with regards to the past. Whatever is done is done. You're back and you feel great. Start with a clean slate, don't get into explaining anything unless he asks, and I assure you he won't. If you need to get things off you chest, use an anonymous chat forum. You have already done the heavy lifting so don't take any chances of messing up on the easy (fun) part


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

10Yr - thanks  How do I get back in the door though - I guess that is where I am stuck. Or I should say our marriage back on track.....since he has (eagerly it seemed) agreed to the physical aspect....

In other words - where do I go from that?


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

Sounds like I am the male version of you JennaLynne - i stressed over finances, became anxious, focussed too much on W, to the point where she left me a month ago.

I'm not sure how I'd feel if she came back and asked for anything physical or emotional - in terms of getting things back on track, the comments above about keeping communication lines open would do it for me, yes it can be easier to start talking with sex involved but be careful with yourself and don't loose the awesome progress that you've made.

Wish you the best.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

When we were separated, our therapist encouraged us to have sex together. Basically, she believed any positive experience that could help bring us together was a good thing.

ALTHOUGH - had I thought my wife was cheating at the time - I would not have agreed to continue having sex.

Should also add that we are now moving towards divorce with little regret. So maybe my advice - or my therapist's advice - isn't the best to go with.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> Tacoma -- I've really thought about this -- because the little he has said to me is that he cannot trust that things will stay "good" as he put it.


JennaLynne,
This is the key right here. I don't know what level your current or previous communications with your husband are/have been but you have got to have an honest conversation with him.

Ask him to lunch or for coffee and lay it on the line in an honest manner. Tell him that you've done a lot of work on yourself. Tell him that you realize that there were things you didn't handle correctly in the marriage. Tell him that you realize how much you respect and admire him and admit that you did a poor job showing that. Tell him that between the financial stresses and other stresses you placed on yourself you were an unhappy person and that you know that negatively affected their marriage in all aspects. And tell him that you know it robbed you of your libido, and him of a sexual wife. Then tell him what you've told us...

That you can't make any promises of being the perfect wife, in the bedroom or out, but that you have recognized these things and have taken steps to overcome them so that you can be happier with yourself. Tell him that you are (happier with yourself) but that you still love him and very much would, before throwing in the towel, would like to see if the two of you can make it work. Tell him you love him, and want him. And let him know that you want him not just around the house, but in the bedroom as well.

Offer to take things very slow...don't just move back in and try to have things be normal. But, start dating, start screwing, start talking and engaging him about his wants and dreams and then share yours.

A man with any attachment at all to you, with any love still there, will be willing to try. If he's not then you are no worse off than you are right now, and you have some clarity about your future.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> 10Yr - thanks  How do I get back in the door though - I guess that is where I am stuck. Or I should say our marriage back on track.....since he has (eagerly it seemed) agreed to the physical aspect....
> 
> In other words - where do I go from that?


If you've set up a good tryst then just have at it. Make sure you f**k his brains out. Then let him take the lead. If he just wants to say thanks and leave then let him, but say something like "we should do this again sometime". If he wants to stay and talk then chit chat all you want. If he wants to get into more serious issues then bring out your notes and tell him what you've told us.

The one thing you don't want to be right now is pushy. Then he'll feel like you offered the sex just to get him to talk about the other stuff. Take your time...if things do work then you have a lifetime together. Don't have to fix everything in one afternoon.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well here's an update --- 

I asked him Monday if he'd be interested - via text (we usually communicate via work email, but this just wasn't approriate)....initially he asked me if I was sure -- and I light heartedly said we were good, but I'd not be happy if he handed me divorce papers immediately after (put an LOL - so he knew I was being funny)....He said No he wouldn't have papers waiting for me LOL.....

Well that led into an entire afternoon of texting about the "tryst" -- which ended up getting moved up to the next day.... 

Well all throughtout the day we send dirty text - just words to one another - and it was like old times (yes, we are younger). He said he was surpirsed - and I just texted that Over the past 2 months I've learned a lot about me and re-found my sexuality...

Anyway -- last night was the day -- I went to our house - where he is staying -- it was intense (not emotionally) -- and we ended up talking a little after words - but about random things - he asked me about a trip I had taken, I about his job, etc.....I left when he got a work call that was taking a long time -- just said that I was heading out....

Leaving was hard -- I miss my home, but as everyone says it's about baby steps.... 

Today I emailed him to say thanks for a fun night - and if he might want to do it again -- and\or talk about where we both stand....

He said he had fun too and that he wouldn't mindtalking about where we stand.....

And now I am a big chicken....trying to be patient on getting a reply for a day\time to meet again, and also really scared that he is going to tell me he still wants a divorce. 

Side note --- this is part of my problem -- and one I am working on, or at least trying to....I tend to get my hopes up so high, and create this perfect picture in my head how things will go, and I end up getting blasted. 

Things seemed good, his demeanor, his interaction with me....but I'm scared of the ole' "too good to be true" cliche'


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Sounds like it went well JennaLynne.

Try to have little to no expectations and just keep at it.

Wait a couple of days and if he doesn`t set another date send him a text telling him you`re interested in having that "discussion" the two of you spoke about if he feels up to another "tryst".


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> You could just text him and say "Want to f*** you, get over here."


That option. When he comes over (10 minutes faster than you would think he possibly could), rock his world. Continue to do so on a very regular basis.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Then what? Here is the hard part -- I am residing at my mom's. He is at our house - with his brother - so it's become a game of him trying to get his brother out of the house......which is so silly to me but it is what is is right now - and the immediate issue is me trying to fix our marriage.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Act like you are dating and both live at home. Find a nice parking spot and fog up the windows in your car. Find a secluded park bench. Be creative. Act like teenagers. Don't worry about the "then what". Enjoy yourselves and your time together. The "then what" will take care of itself. 

The intimacy was a big problem in the marriage. You rock his world on a regular, consistent basis, (which is what you say you want also) everything else will fall into place.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Everything include the other stuff that made him leave? Sex wasn't the only part - albeit a big issue - but not the sole culprit in our demise.

I guess I worry about him still maintaining respect for me if it ends up being just a sex thing.....

Really his brother should not be at the house -- he does't work, nor pay bills....but that is another story, and again (I have to keep reminding myself) that it's not the most important thing right now -- my marriage is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The brother being at the house might be a good sign Jenna.
It may be a sign that he isn`t liking being alone and wants a little support near him.
You`d know whether or not that might be the deal better than I but it`s just a thought.

As far as the sex.
Don`t let it end up "just being a sex thing".
You have the sex to get his attention and have fun with it the first couple of times then after the sex on the second/third/fourth time or so ask him .. "So, is this just going to be a sex thing or do you think we can make something more out of it?"
From there (depending on his answer) begin to bring out some of the troubles you had in a way that lets him know you`re interested in fixing them.
Don`t nail him with every little thing at once and don`t have a "blaming" attitude.
Go slow, be gentle, it would be a good idea to bring up a couple of your own faults to begin with and tell him how you are working on fixing them.
He should start opening up a little at that point.



> Everything include the other stuff that made him leave? Sex wasn't the only part - albeit a big issue - but not the sole culprit in our demise.


Tell us what some of those things are starting with what you think the most important are.

You mentioned financial problems.
Can you be more specific?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I guess I worry about him still maintaining respect for me if it ends up being just a sex thing.....



You are married. There is supposedly no affair partner on either end. Sex was one of the big issues in your marriage. Your sex drive has changed so that you want it more now than you did.

All of these factors combine to make me thing it will not end up being just a sex thing. If any of those factors were different, my advise would not be the same. Since they are what they are, I believe if you rock his world on a regular basis (only fulfilling your new sexual desires and not doing it out of a duty), everything else will fall into place. Have fun with each other. Build it up into the 15-20 hours per week of spending time with each other having fun. Expand it slowly from the bedroom to other things. Take a long walk in a park to a secluded spot for a picnic, including some very nice desert . You have the advantage of the time together both going to the spot and returning from the spot. 

Look at it this way. You are becoming sexually frustrated. If it ends up only being sex, you are at least being sexually satisfied with no guilt whatsoever. He is your husband, for crying out loud. Isn't that better than trying to find some loser walking dildo that doesn't care about you at all? 

Just my 2 cents worth.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Look at it this way. You are becoming sexually frustrated. If it ends up only being sex, you are at least being sexually satisfied with no guilt whatsoever. He is your husband, for crying out loud. Isn't that better than trying to find some loser walking dildo that doesn't care about you at all?


Good point.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

HTN -- there is no one else on his end or mine - I am 100% confident in that. I get what you are saying - and that was my thought too -- yes, he is still my husband. 

Tacoma - 

He has admitted to that exact thing - brother is there...support, and whatnot -- however brother is TOXIC (ex: has stolen from us, feels entitled, doesn't work, mooches (thus causes $$ issues for us), and feels the condo is his bachelor pad -- his latest chick's stuff everwhere) With that being said, I hear what you're saying and understand.

Here are the top issues of our marriage:

Mutual - Financial Stress

His issues with me:
Negativity
lack of sex
not supportive

My issues with him
lack of communication
low desire to do anything (ie date type stuff)

I have come to terms with my end of things - which I've mentioned either on this post, or a diffrent one -- to sum it up:

After a lot of time to think and reflect, and work on me, I've discovered that I worry to much -- to a fault -- with money especially...that turned into his job not being good enough (support issue) - instead of congradulating him on a job he worked hard to get - I took the it doesn't pay enough route (which is terrible)  I have also come to understand that ny lack of sex drive and negativity stemmed from me taking care of him INSTEAD of me -- I let myself go to worry about things that were out of my hands. So I've had time this past 6 weeks to work on me - apply for school, new hair, therapy, yoga, mediatation (I need help with patience ) etc.

Well what do you know -- now friends love to hang out with me again, and I feel good. The only sad part is I miss my husband and our home. 

I've also come to realize that I was a big "fairy tale" girl -- I wanted the movie romances, and that just isn't real....and looking back I complained about a relationship that was actually pretty good.....

So that's it in a nutshell..... Thanks eveyone by the way -- you all are so nice and helpful!! I appreciate it more than I can say!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> He has admitted to that exact thing - brother is there...support, and whatnot -- however brother is TOXIC


Ok that`s not good but let the brother thing go for now.
Ignore it until you have a more stable position from which to confront it with him.



> My issues with him
> lack of communication
> low desire to do anything (ie date type stuff)


Ignore these as well for now.
They will need to be dealt with before you can move back in but for now you`re just trying to reel him back to you so lay off of his faults and what you need from him right now.
You can get to them soon but not right now.
They may just push him away.

When speaking about the troubles let him know he has things to deal with as well just don`t dwell on them or focus on them first.
Focus on yours because those will be easier for him to hear and you`re already ahead of the curve in dealing with them.
Once you open up and admit your problems it`ll be easier for him to return the favor.


If he doesn`t get in touch with you in the next day or two I`d text him what I advised above.



> Wait a couple of days and if he doesn`t set another date send him a text telling him you`re interested in having that "discussion" the two of you spoke about if he feels up to another "tryst".


Then rock his world again and afterwards bring up these "faults" of yours let him know how you`re dealing with them and ask him if he has any other problems with how you were in the marriage.

Don`t let it get to the point where you seem to be entirely centering on your problems.
Let him know it takes two to screw up a marriage and you have some concerns with his problems as well but focus on yours at first as it will be easier for him to hear/discuss.

Hopefully it will make it easier for him to talk about what he`s been screwing up.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Regarding financial issues (sorry missed the end of your reply Tacoma)

Basically we bought our home at the wrong time, and our payments were insane due to an adj. arm....followed by hub's company being bought out 3 times I believe, and him getting a lower salary each buy out....leading them to give him the ax and then it was just my income for awhile -- I went crazy worrying about $$$ - our credit went south....to add to this his brother -- who well truth be told I find him to literally be a POS - he feels my hubs owes him, that we should take care of him, when all he has to do is get a job and support himself -- so our bleek situation got worse when you toss in a mooching in-law.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

How bout you just freaking tell your H all this!! Admit your mistakes, ask for forgiveness and ask him to give it another go and that you will show him you have changed! Now, that does not mean if he accepts you be a doormat! The bro needs to go. 

It kills me how women forget the power sex has over men Men have a much better attitude when they are well laid.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Locard --  Well I tried this -- and was told that he doesn't trust changes will stay. However this was said over 4 weeks ago, before we really had time apart to think and such. 

And yes the brother needs to go - however H at this point in time completels avoid the subject of his brother getting out with me....so.....

He has taken on to the meeting up to get laid....said he is sure we can work something out. Which is great - but I would really like my husband back and not just an "f-buddy". Trying to figure out how to get him to open his heart and mind back up to me and our marriage....and open his eyes to his loser brother who I am confident is problem in our reconciliation....he isn't the CAUSE - I am 60/40 percent fault for us being apart -- but I truly feel his brother is making the issue worse, as he gets to take advantage of the situation -- does that make sense?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yes.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Go slow, be gentle, it would be a good idea to bring up a couple of your own faults to begin with and tell him how you are working on fixing them.


Just take your time. You are married. You have a foundation already. There was a point where you both exchanged those vows and said til death do us part. Take your time. Relax. Enjoy each other. You have a pretty good situation here. I would gladly exchange mine with you. 



Locard said:


> It kills me how women forget the power sex has over men Men have a much better attitude when they are well laid.


:iagree: Maybe you don't realize the power. I know you don't want to just be f/b's with your husband. However, you were originally asking if you should go find a f/b, if I remember correctly. You have one right there ready to go that could grow back into a happy, fulfilling marriage. If it starts out just about the sex, then enjoy the sex that you yourself said you are wanting. I do believe it will grow from there and grow quickly.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

HTN - I never thought about it that way  Thanks! My patience (or lack there of) is a huge kick in my butt sometimes. On to trying to "get together" with him more. Any advice on how to accomplish this with his brother around so much.....parks\roads are fine, but where we live there is a hefty ticket for "public ludeness" - I'd love it if we had the funds for a hotel, but we just don't. So brainstorming on that, and hoping for the best with the H that he will see this as me really trying, which I am.  Thanks again!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your husband should tell his brother to get out of the house for a few hours. Men understand these things. I agree that repairing your sexual relationship will lead to repairing the emotional blocks that you two have.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Your husband should tell his brother to get out of the house for a few hours. Men understand these things.


"Dude, _______ is coming over. Get lost for a while. " would probably work. 

If not, try this route. Hotel = $50. Public lewdness fine = $100? Bar with free longnecks and low cover charge = $5.

"Hey, bro. I hear so-and-so bar has free longnecks. I'll take you over there and pick you up later on."

Just brainstorming with you. There is a bar like that here on Thursday nights. I'm sure there is some bar around with some type of special to draw folks in.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

If it were only that easy --- brother benefits with me being gone -- because then brother is taken care of and has a free home with my H. Yep he really honest to Pete is that manipulative. 

I am determined though  and LMH - I sure hope so about repairing sexual relationship leading to repairing the emotional blocks


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well H has recoiled  has become unresponsive again.....zero replies to anything - and it was just some sassy texts. Feeling discouraged. (which may sound dumb - but he was all gung ho....we did it...talked after...then was gung ho about talking....backed off....asked about going at it again...back to gung ho....now nothing). He seems like 2 people trapped in 1 body a lot of the time.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Just take it slow. Offers for sex from his wife. I don't know many men that would turn that down. Well, I would right now, but there is an affair. Without an affair, he'll not pass that up for long. I could definitely be wrong. If so, well, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. I think you are on the right path to give the best shot at reconciliation, which seems to me to be where you want to go.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Just take it slow. Offers for sex from his wife. I don't know many men that would turn that down. Well, I would right now, but there is an affair. Without an affair, he'll not pass that up for long. I could definitely be wrong. If so, well, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. I think you are on the right path to give the best shot at reconciliation, which seems to me to be where you want to go.



Well no response at all from him today .... Maybe ill leave it til monday and try again with a racy text ? Cant lie though im worried 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Yet another update....

Sent an email looking for mail I am waiting on, and also stated that if he needs some space to just let me know, I'd rather know that than to keep bugging him.

He responded that he says he may need a little space that he would text me to explain....and that "honestly work has been crazy hectic". 

So I am trying to repmain in good spirits -- he's emailed me a few times today - all nice and with smiley faces. So I am trying to stay on the "hopefully he's really thinking about things, finally" side of the fence. Opposed to me going into panic mode - thinking something is wrong, that I screwed up...etc etc.  

I hope I am not annoying any of you guys and gals -- I've found this to be a great outlet to help get my thoughts sorted.....opposed to rambling on to my H making our situation worse. :_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I hope I am not annoying any of you guys and gals -- I've found this to be a great outlet to help get my thoughts sorted.....opposed to rambling on to my H making our situation worse. :_


Keep posting, that`s what this place is for.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I hope I am not annoying any of you guys and gals -- I've found this to be a great outlet to help get my thoughts sorted.....opposed to rambling on to my H making our situation worse. :_


Type away! There is definitely something therapeutic about posting your thoughts. This is a great outlet. Maybe he has just been very busy at work. Try to relax and let things work slowly. Everything won't be fixed overnight. Unfortunately, these wheels tend to turn very slowly. Maybe work on a new hobby to help you get over the lack of patience. Get a little busier doing something you enjoy doing. The busier you are, the less time you will have to keep thinking about the "what-if's".


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Please help me guys. H said he might need space after I asked because he wasnt responding to 
To texts....he said he would explain via texts as we were emailimg on work email....still nothing from him nearly 24 hours later even though he said he wouldnt ignore.....

How do I get back on track. I had fun at a gf house last night but today I feel like ive lost what little ground I seemed to have gained....im scared I made a bad move telling the loser brother to please respect the condo 

What would you do next....or better yet what would make you open back up to your s.o. If you were in my hs shoes.....having trouble not letting my mind wander 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> How do I get back on track. I had fun at a gf house last night but today I feel like ive lost what little ground I seemed to have gained....im scared I made a bad move telling the loser brother to please respect the condo



You MUST ignore this whole brother thing.
Be polite and even nice to him while your attempts to reconcile are going on.
You don`t have to lie or be fake but just be congenial.
Bite your tongue about the brother until it bleeds.

Is your husband seeing another woman Jenna?
Do you have any suspicions?
Any possible candidates for the other woman position?

Another woman is one possible reason he`s being unresponsive.
Another reason is he`s seriously pissed but I`m not getting that from his actions.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OK, I just went back and read your other thread.

This might be a problem...



> Mid August - things went down hill - he was back to seemingly hating me -- I had left out home to stay with my mom - we met 2 nights later and he *(through his sibling, and yes you read that correctly)* informed me he didn't want to work on things, things were hopeless to him -- in other words every sentence was prompted by his sibling. (weird, no?)


The brother might be a serious influence on your husband.

All the more reason to ignore him for now until you find a way to mitigate his input.

Anyone have any ideas?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well I asked his brother nicely .... But will leave it be going forward. Imagine some random internet creeper in yours home without you there. 

No .... I dont think there is another woman. I truly believe he wouldnt unless we were formally done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

And yet another update....please give me some suggestions...

Received a text today from H that he doesn't mind the sex thing but he had been looking for an apt and may have found one.

I replied by asked if he didn't want to sit and take a fresh look at things...that nothing changes overnight. I understand that.

He sentanother that he has been thinking about us and he just has a hard time believing that anything will last for any amount of time...he is happy to see the woman he loved so much but if things got the way they didonce,why would they not get that way again...I can't getpast that.

I told him that I've been able to take the time to focus on me, work on things and come to the understanding that I wasn't good to him....Focused on thing sout of our control etc etc.

I ended up calling him then bc texting was too much

We talked for about 20 minutes. I explained a lot that I've told you guys, about the respect\admire think...about the job things...and also that I felt that if we were just dating and this all went down, I would let it go, but we are married and have intertwined lives. He agreed - and said somethings too -- that he has done some stuff as well....but I took it back on me saying that I truly felt sometimes, not all, but sometimes I feel I made it almost impossible for him to be the person I needed. 

I also suggested that we take things slow - get to know each other again, that although I am not the happiest at my mom's, I am happy to stay here longer....and felt the worst thing that could happen is we save a bit more money opposed to paying for 2 living spaces\bills. 

He said he is suppose to hearback about the apt next week. 

He seemed to take in what I was saying....he sounded hopeful....I also told him that I would not string either one of us along if I didn't believe things wouldbe different - I don't ever want to go back to where we were....and he said he would think about stuff....

I am so scared his brother is going to talk him out of it though....because I know for afact H is looking at 2bd 2 bath apts....so bro canhave a free place to live. (I didn't mention that to H on the phone though).

I know I am walking a fine line of looking desparate, I know...but I just can't toss inthe towel....and I am trying so hard.....is there anything else I can do? If he does move is there any way we can end up back together? 

Did I make things worse with this conversation-- it doesn't feel like it- it felt good, I wasn't sobbing on the phone...I was logical. 

Thanks again for listening to me blabber


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Sorry for the multiple posts -- having a really rough time yesterday and today -- so worried about H that brother is whispering in his ear and taking advantage. Also scared about if he does move the financial end of things....we are just barely able to split the mortgage + bills as is -- not to mention him paying bills + rent somewhere else. 

I so badly want to get through to him to just take things slow with me - to stay at the condo until spring and see where things are -- gradually get to know each other ---- how can I get past his "things will never change" wall??


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don't know how you can get past his brother.

I've been hoping someone with some experience similar to your situation would post here for you.

Why is he so willing to be used by his brother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, time is the only way. I wouldn't believe my stbxw for sure if she called right now and said she had changed. It would take a loooooooooong time. But, that is a whole different story, OM, etc. Pushing him won't help, I don't think. It will most likely just push him away. I believe your only option is to take things slowly.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Does time work when he moves out with his brother....?

Also, though it isn't the end of the world, and the marriage is more important than $$, but fact is - if he takes an apt - pays full rent\bills, that leaves me with the mortgage + bills, and I am just not sure that this will be ok. 

We do not have much left to spare after the mortgage + bills are paid -- I am not sure how 2 rents + 2 of every other bill is going to work.

I had asked him last to wait and see til spring --- everywhere will be renting again, credits should be better (neither of us have stellar credit), and with any luck the economy will have an upswing so that we can unload the house IF we still see/feel we will just not work out.

It is my gut feeling the brother is pushing this issue....he has everything to gain here, and it makes me so sad. 

It's my intention to take things slow, meet once a week for lunch, or hit a movie or whatnot, begin talking again (every talk with him btw has gone well, but reverts when he talks to his bro).....however I am trying to do this without us creating a financial disaster.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Whose name is the mortgage in?

Again, why is your husband allowing himself to be so obviously used by his brother?

What do you think his brothers complaints about your are?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Mortgage is in both - we purchase prior to getting married.

He (for reasons unknown) feels indebted to his brother - H is brothers enabler....brother doesn't work, has no income, no credit other than collections...has stolen from both of us, mooched endlessly....but H loves his brother...it's his brother after all... (sigh).

I don't think brother has any complaints about me. I think brother is more so using the situation to his advantage -- he knows I'd never let him live for free, bring over whomever he wants, make a mess out of the condo. So -- I think that he is reiterating to my H - well - you were unhappy, things won't change - let's just move out.....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If he takes an apartment I would consider the marriage over and start moving on in that direction.

Tell him this.
Tell him that since half your troubles are financial his taking an apartment is going to do nothing but increase those problems.

He is however still responsible for half that mortgage no matter what.

You may have to stop playing nice here if he continues down this road.

I`ve never been one to fall for the whole "Blood is thicker than water" bull**** and have had no trouble recognizing that my "blood" is really just a brood of losers and users.
Cutting them out of my life was nothing to me.

The brother is a major problem if your husband can`t recognize him for what he is.

You may have to cut your losses and move on.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree with Tacoma.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

I sure do wish it was easier to let go. :'( I just don't undersand how conversations could have gone so well....and then 3 steps backwards we go. As I told him - in my heart I truly belive things can turn around into a really good marriage --- if I didn't feel either of us were in a better place I really wouldn't entertain the thought. No one wants their time wasted.....

I just wish he could see.....


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I just wish he could see.....



I know exactly how you feel. I said that for many months. Maybe he will in his own time. Maybe it will be before you have given up and moved on with your life. Everyone is different. I'd start working on detaching from him emotionally. Do things for you. Continue to work on improving yourself.

I wouldn't give up the sex thing, either. That is still a big plus in your favor.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I sure do wish it was easier to let go. :'( I just don't undersand how conversations could have gone so well....and then 3 steps backwards we go. As I told him - in my heart I truly belive things can turn around into a really good marriage --- if I didn't feel either of us were in a better place I really wouldn't entertain the thought. No one wants their time wasted.....
> 
> I just wish he could see.....


Well I think you`re taking 3 steps back because of the brother.

Truly I believe the only hope you have is to make your husband see his brother for what he is but that`s a minefield I wouldn`t begin to know how to cross.

Does he have any other family around you could enlist in your efforts?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

His dad/stepmom/stepsister are local - feel the same way about bro - but don't know what to do either -- bro is a problem for everyone - causes trouble, takes $$, etc.... only H doesn't want to see it. I've thought about calling MIL - but I just don't trust her to not make an already bad sitaution worse. 

I am trying to work on me - I plan on starting school in January, and I continue to hang out with friends, and do things in my free time --- it just is a heart wrenching feeling knowing how well our chats seemed to go, and then feeling like I'm moving backwards and there is no hope for a reconsiliation (sp).


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Today is a rough day. I am trying to remain hopeful - I send a meaningul email to H yesterday, after asking if it was ok to sent a longer one to work. He said it would be fine. Said that it wasn't my intention to bug or bombard him, but had a lot I was thinking about -- 

So I went on to say that I had really given some thought to his point of "revert back to old ways"....and that in my heart I truly believe I have the tools to overcome things now. And that I understand it is asking a lot from him to have faith in me. I wasn't begging or pleading - just really giving my all before saying I quit. Since this isn't just a break up. 

It was my suggestion to him to hang tight until spring, I can stay with my mom and he in the house. And we could revisit then - if we aren't meant to be, well, it is what it is, but in that time, at the very least credit can improve and we can figure out what to do with the house --- bc mortgage + bills + rent + bill = equals sunk financial ship....there is no way it can be done. 

I haven't heard back yet - but I am trying to be patient.....and just sit on it for a couple days....

I am just worried that he will take that apt - and then I'll have to choice but to get a lawyer and figure out how to handle the mortgage.....this is why I am so certain his Bro is involved - because H doesn't think so friviliously (sp) normally - he would never financially screw me.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Just a thought with his brother. If by chance you could get a friend to run a road block on him? Have her "by chance" meet up with him somewhere and string him along for a bit? This would hold 2 benifits. First she could get him out of the house more often. Second you have an influnce in his ear. This would obviously be a lot to ask of a friend but on his end it shouldnt be too hard because he sounds like a loser. I also would feel bad in suggesting that somebody use somebody else but he seems as if he deserves it.
Just a thought.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Good suggestion - he is "dating" someone though (the bro)....he is an internet dating troller - meaning he doesn't use reputiable sites (eharm, match - probably bc he has a felony on his record and they won't accept him)...he is more of the "find rich singles.com" type of guy (sigh).....

But that was a great suggestion -- 

H and I have been through so much due to bro - and yet bro still has H wrapped around his finger....only this time, doing of my own pushed H away and now he feels things cannot be repaired -- he keeps saying "cannot get past that" "that" being us reverting back to always arguing....however if given the chance I truly believe things will be great.....

I keep hoping god, karma, something will intervine....


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Well, if you can find out what site for sure and get his screen name it would be a good step.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

just courious if your router is wireless? If so, I am pretty sure there is a way you or somebody who knows about such stuff can keep a close eye on him. If he is an ex con then maybe you can catch him doing something to break his parole i.e. talking about doing drugs which would be nice to drop to his parole officer for a random drop, or maybe he looks at kiddie porn or anything that allows you to get the upper hand on this d-bag.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well he was never in prison sadley -- he was caught "diddling" an underager....sadly he needed to get hit with the book, but still he was "ohhh soo scred by the system"....rolling my eyes -- that was a long time ago, but still on his record. I don't care what he does (brother) -- I just want him to stop impeeding any chance of reconciliation I have with my H.


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