# Depression and sexuality issues



## VintageLeo (Jan 2, 2009)

I was wondering if any of you had thoughts on people dealing with depression and sexual issues.

Not long ago I learned that my wife had been hiding the fact that a family member she had taken care of had raped and abused her repeatedly. Over the course of 3 months. I was away on an extended work trip at the time. She never told me about the incidents for a number of reasons. Including guilt, shame, and fear of what I would do to him. Not that I would be violent but if I would have him committed or have gone to the police. The person she was taking care of was suffering from a number of issues including dementia. They were the results of illness and physical trauma. As you can imagine this impacted our sex life. You can read my other post to get an idea of what I was feeling.

But, now that what has happened is out in the open we are trying to deal with it. The intervention I orchestrated was the worst experience of my life. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Intensive therapy has begun and my wife has actually spent a little bit of time in a residential facility for intense therapy. We are going to group counseling in addition to her individual sessions.

This weekend we had sex for the third time since this came out. And for the second time she has pushed me to be very rough with her. I should say that when our sex life was going well rough sex was something we both enjoyed. But now I can’t feel that this is right to be doing. And my hesitation to do the things she wants gets her upset. In fact, I have had trouble performing. It wasn’t until she really goaded me that I was able to get erect.

I have spoken to our psychologist. And this is what I am having trouble with. She tells me that what my wife is doing is testing my resolve to be with her. She is also testing her own ability to trust me. She says that my wife is also dealing with profound feelings of guilt for her sexual neglect of me. The Dr. also says that I need to try and avoid letting our sex become rough but that it is understandable that at times it could. This fact that we have had sex is a good sign to her. But she just wants to make sure it does not become a pattern. In fact, the Dr. warns me that there may come a time when our sex will dry up. It is all part of the process. And if it means my wife becoming happy and healthy again, I would gladly give up ever having sex again.

But I cannot get over the fact that the Dr. says that occasionally giving in to my wife’s desire for rough sex is in any way OK. Am I wrong here? Our Dr is very well known in her field. She specializes in victims of rape and abuse. In fact she is more of a researcher now and only takes on a very few clients at a time now.

I know that I am having my own issues of guilt and anger on all of this. I will be getting myself into my own therapy soon but I can’t help feeling totally lost here. I am in this for the long haul. I love my wife dearly and would do ANYTHING to help her. Each morning we put on our armor and go about our day. But when we get home the armor falls away and it hurts all the more. Sometimes all we can do is just hold each other and cry until we fall asleep. We are exhausted.


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## Aculeo (Mar 17, 2010)

VintageLeo said:


> I should say that when our sex life was going well rough sex was something we both enjoyed.
> 
> But I cannot get over the fact that the Dr. says that occasionally giving in to my wife’s desire for rough sex is in any way OK. Am I wrong here?


My experiences and girls situation was different, but I can relate. It's going to be a slow healing process, I think it's ok for rough sex at times as before when things were normal you both enjoyed that. Just don't let it become the normal, as she isn't the same and you don't want to reinforce this habit to be normal when it never was this is from her trauma.

You're married had a good relationship to this happened, while this is going to be hard to help her you must over come your own feelings of hurt and guilt none of it you could of foreseen or done anything different. 

This is going to take time, you're in for the long haul. It does get better but be warned it's a slow process and you're going to go though a lot. You need to resolve your feelings accept it for what it is and move forward. 
I wish you two the best of luck together you two can make it though this and get back to more how life was and move forwards enjoying life. I normally don't give advice on this but as it struck close to home I wanted to post something.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Leo, 

very good to see that you're making progress - and I take your ability to cry together as a very positive sign that you're encountering each other again as real people.

Aculeo above is right about the long haul. My lady has just finished five years of weekly therapy (in very different circumstances) and there have been spells of unutterable darkness for us all in that time. stick with it and be prepared to find you've both changed when you're through to the other side.

As for rough sex as a strategy...in your position I'd cautiously accept the psychologist's opinion but i'd balance that with my own sense of limits. I can see that it's a scary prospect in more than one way - what you might find within yourself, your wife and any possible misinterpretations in the future. 

i think in your situation I might want all three of you to draw up some sort of written agreement. And I'd also want a 'safe' word for use when rough love-making becomes too rough. 

I've often wondered how things are shaping up for you - it's good to read of your progress. Good luck!


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## VintageLeo (Jan 2, 2009)

Aculeo and Steve,

Thank you for your posts. This has been a rough week for us.

The doctor called me back after I made the post. She wanted to make sure I understood that she was not advocating that we have rough intimacy and that I should try and keep it calmer. But not to reject her sexual advances if she makes them.

What she wanted me to understand was that she could see how my wife may act out sexually and that I need to be there to help her understand that she does not need to do this to prove that I am not disgusted by what was done to her. Nor should she feel that she needs to make up for lost time. But to tell you the truth, I would have thought she would not want to have any kind of sex. Then again, she did enjoy pleasure after it happened. Albeit selfishly. I am begining to understand why that was so.

We went for a long run together this morning and the day seems to be going well. And I am making a special dinner a opening a bottle of wine we have been saving for years. I want to try and make the evening as nice as possible and all about just being together. Not necessarily in a physical way but emotionally.

We have a group session on Tuesday so I may bring up my concerns then. She has been slowly opening up about the specifics of what actually happened. I am not sure if I really want to hear it in that detail, but it seems to be important for her to tell me.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Leo,

again, very good to see you folks continuing to make progress and a very healthy sign that our wife can find sensual pleasure. I'm pleased for you that the doctor sought to clarify her first remarks. I have veered close to what she seemed to suggest initially and I think it's very dangerous stuff in your wife's fragile situation. In fact I stepped back. As for hearing the fine detail - I think traumatized people sometimes need to, in effect, vomit everything out sometimes again and again. My lady has just ended five years of intensive therapy (for a wholly different set of problems) and I know it can be tough to be, in effect, the anvil on which a damaged soul hammers out their problems. But it's sometimes the biggest thing you can do for them.

Good luck!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

HOld the boat! Um, your wife is also trying to exert control over the sexual encouter, which is an extremely important part of healing for her. Those incidents were totally out of her control... she is trying to feel safe again having sex and she wants/needs to direct it bc of those other incidents being directed FOR her. I actually disagree with the therapist, and Im also a trained/licensed therapist. Go with what your wife is trying to accomplish and you will help her... if you try to hold back and say no to her she is going to feel like you are now saying she's not ok, you dont want to be with her the way she wants it etc.... please allow her. I was also dated raped and speak from personal experience with heaing from that... please think about it.


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## VintageLeo (Jan 2, 2009)

Toolate thank you for your post. 

I understand that she needs to "exorcise some demons" but how far would you let it go? If during the course of sex she escalates to the point of asking me to "rape" her, should I go through with it? To what extent? That is what she has done a couple of times now. 

I ask this question in all sincerity as I know that no one person has all the answers. And while I have had to place my trust in an expert, I will continue to try and understand why she advises what she does.

If you have not read my original post, from before I knew what had happened, let me tell you that my wife has controlled our sexual encounters since this happened. I understand this was her way of trying to cope with her ordeal. But I would be lying if I said that on some level, this still hurts.

I do not mean to sound bitter. Though this evening started out unusually well for us, I have begun reading my wife's account of what precisely took place. Fortunately she has gone to sleep and will not see me this way. Perhaps I will not read anymore tonight.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

VintageLeo said:


> Toolate thank you for your post.
> 
> I understand that she needs to "exorcise some demons" but how far would you let it go? If during the course of sex she escalates to the point of asking me to "rape" her, should I go through with it? To what extent? That is what she has done a couple of times now.
> 
> ...


Leo, I think this is the point where I would consider my own long-term interests.

Briefly, I once had a relationship with a woman who asked -repeatedly - that I inflict an almost similar level of trauma on her. I couldn't do it. What she wanted was absolutely contrary to my own values. And it could have left me in a very vulnerable position if at some point in the future that volatile, unstable woman had decided to lodge a formal complaint against me. My refusals were the end of us as lovers and I'm not sorry.

That's why I've said previously that some form of written agreement between you, your lady and the psychologist would be a good idea - I had the sense that you are heading into similar very dangerous territory. I'm not a psychologist, I have no training in these matters and I find it hard to understand that a psychologist would countenance circumstances where you might one day have to answer the question: when does simulated rape become actual rape?


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