# Fight or resign?



## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years, together 15, and we have three children ages 6,3, and almost 2. Sparing the details of prior to the rift I'll jump right into the rest of the story.

Last fall I noticed that she was extremely unhappy, bordering on severe depression. I was, of course, very concerned and tried to help her pinpoint the reason for that depression. This has always been my role in our relationship. In January, after a discussion with an anonymous friend, she informed me that I was the problem.

I had become complacent (my words) and allowed the quality of our life to slip. I've been a stay-at-home dad since my son was born 6 years ago. In that time, there has been a slow decline in the quality of my work as a housekeeper. In addition, I realize now that I was going through some depression over not working or going to school and I'm certain that affected the situation.

In all other regards, I've been a good husband. Loving, caring, going out on date nights, traveling with the family, and I love doing so. But I missed what was important to her. She felt betrayed and used, and was done in January. I asked her to give me a year, and she agreed.

Personally, I have done a 180 in my daily life and routine and I have never felt better. I'm in better shape, the kids are happier, the house is cleaner, and the daily life is fantastic. However, our marriage has not improved. I went through the stages that all people go through and made mistakes; anger, resentment, to name a few. Our normal interaction has been fine, but the love has not grown.

A few weeks ago I asked her what her intentions were (she doesn't like to talk to me about personal things anymore, so I have to ask on occasion) and she told me she was done. She used up all of her love, and doesn't have anything left to give. I told her I released her from her 1 year commitment and we are now in separation talks.

My confusion lies with the fact that no one, her closest friends and family included, understands why she doesn't want to try to make our marriage work. She has not, in the 7 months since we've been doing this, said she wants it to work, despite asking multiple times. She has also not forgiven me, again despite asking multiple times.

She is sad and cries to her sister when I bring up separation plans, but she continues to want to do it. In the past month I've become accepting and wanting her to heal, no matter what it means for me. I've reminded her that I'm only doing this because it's what she wants; not because it is what I want.

I haven't actually moved out yet, though we are nearing the time. We have both seen counselors a few times, and so far it's just healing.

Now to my question: should I ask for couples counseling despite her claim that she is done, or should I just continue on the path laid out and be supportive or her decision. What it comes down to is: should I fight or resign?

Thanks for any comments.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Fight or resign? This is not even a question.

You should fight.

And you should have started fighting much sooner than today. 

I can help. But there is much to be done.



silveryposter said:


> My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years, together 15, and we have three children ages 6,3, and almost 2. Sparing the details of prior to the rift I'll jump right into the rest of the story.
> 
> Last fall I noticed that she was extremely unhappy, bordering on severe depression. I was, of course, very concerned and tried to help her pinpoint the reason for that depression. This has always been my role in our relationship.


What do you mean this is always been your role? 

What is your role, pinpointing things? Helping with depression? Being concerned? 

Please explain this part to me. :scratchhead:



> In January, after a discussion with an anonymous friend, she informed me that I was the problem.
> 
> I had become complacent (my words) and allowed the quality of our life to slip.


So this is clear, your woman expects you as the man to be the leader and provide direction in the marriage, 

And she holds you responsible for the consequences.

Do you accept this responsibility now? Do you want this responsibility?

Because to move forward, depends on exactly this very thing. 



> I've been a stay-at-home dad since my son was born 6 years ago. In that time, there has been a slow decline in the quality of my work as a housekeeper. In addition, I realize now that I was going through some depression over not working or going to school and I'm certain that affected the situation.


What is your plan to remedy your housekeeper role? Do you have a plan?



> In all other regards, I've been a good husband. Loving, caring, going out on date nights, traveling with the family, and I love doing so.


Nurturing is not always enough from a man to a woman. Mostly it is very small slice of the pie.



> But I missed what was important to her.


To move forward, I would like to ask you to sum up very specific what was (is) important to her that you "missed".



> She felt betrayed and used, and was done in January.


Again, can you explain this? Betrayed how? Used how? Financially? Emotionally? Sexually? 



> I asked her to give me a year, and she agreed.
> 
> Personally, I have done a 180 in my daily life and routine and I have never felt better. I'm in better shape, the kids are happier, the house is cleaner, and the daily life is fantastic. However, our marriage has not improved. I went through the stages that all people go through and made mistakes; anger, resentment, to name a few.


Being better shape, and getting your responsibilities in order is a good start indeed.

But your good news paragraph ended on a strange note, your talk about mistakes, anger, resentment. 

How are these things manifested now? Are you saying you acting out emotionally to your wife because things are not improving?



> Our normal interaction has been fine, but the love has not grown.


The sexual attraction has not grown.



> A few weeks ago I asked her what her intentions were (she doesn't like to talk to me about personal things anymore, so I have to ask on occasion) and she told me she was done. She used up all of her love, and doesn't have anything left to give. I told her I released her from her 1 year commitment and we are now in separation talks.


And what do you communicate to her that YOUR intentions are?

Again, your writing indicates your marriage has one captain and one leader and one determiner, and it's not you. :scratchhead:



> My confusion lies with the fact that no one, her closest friends and family included, understands why she doesn't want to try to make our marriage work. She has not, in the 7 months since we've been doing this, said she wants it to work, despite asking multiple times.


Lack of respect, exhaustion from being the relatoinship captain and decider for sure.

Not so sure, if there is some other man, even if some "just a friend" man or similar EA situation.

She likely confiding in someone at some point. 

Can you account for her time and travels apart from you? 



> She has also not forgiven me, again despite asking multiple times.


Then stop asking.

Until your own actions and behaviors line up with the words spoken, it is only making the situation worse.

As a man, it is this simple, whether for your situation, or any man throughout his whole life: Put in place what you need to put in place, then make no apologies for who you are. 

At the minimum this lays foundation of respect, and self-confidence.

These are the very basic and essential ingredients for there to then be sexual attraction.



> She is sad and cries to her sister when I bring up separation plans, but she continues to want to do it.


This at least a good sign, her sadness.

As a woman however, unless her relationship situation changes (ie your actions and behavior, not words), she will continue to feel as though there is no hope in staying the way things are.



> In the past month I've become accepting and wanting her to heal, no matter what it means for me.


Mistake again. Two people in this relationship, a man and a woman. Where is your priority as the man?



> I've reminded her that I'm only doing this because it's what she wants; not because it is what I want.


And again. The time is now to put YOUR priorities front and center!

The time is past due, for you to finally stand for what YOU want.

A woman will NOT be respecting of a martyr, she will not be attracted to a martyr, nor will she tolerate being in a relationship with a martyr.

A woman, she wants to be in a relationship with a man.

A man is a whole, with good sides and bad sides, with giving sides and with selfish sides, and very selfish sides, and especially brutally selfish sides. 

Do not for another second deprive your wife of the privilege of seeing all these sides. 

You are doing no one a favor to continue to put on some "nice guy" martyr mask. 

Not her, and most importantly, not you.

Spend time in men's forum, start with the "manning up" threads and how that directly correlates to respect and attraction.

And private message me anytime you wish, I can share much more detail on becoming very brutally selfish and such. 



> I haven't actually moved out yet, though we are nearing the time. We have both seen counselors a few times, and so far it's just healing.


Just healing? :scratchhead:

The time is now for action, unless there is some dark skeleton you did not disclose in your post, something that necessitates this "healing".

Not being entertaining enough or not doing enough housework, I am missing how this requires so much of this "healing"? 



> Now to my question: should I ask for couples counseling despite her claim that she is done, or should I just continue on the path laid out and be supportive or her decision.


You, a man, married, with children, asking this forum whether you should either ask your wife's permission to fight for your marriage, or just go along with your wife's decision to end your marriage. :scratchhead:

Listen, I don't know any way to put this but bluntly, but if I could do something equalling dumping a bucket of water over your head to wake you up, then I would do it!

Stop asking for permission.

What do YOU want?

What needs to happen to get what you WANT?

Answer these two questions, and then get busy making it happen! 



> What it comes down to is: should I fight or resign?
> 
> Thanks for any comments.


Fight, and fight hard.

TELL your wife you have scheduled joint marriage counselling, tell her when and where is the appointment.

Tell her you not giving up without a fight, and then back this up with your own ACTION and BEHAVIOR, and do not stop even to moving the gates of heaven and hell to get what YOU want!

Is your children worth it?

Is your woman worth it?

Are you worth it?

Get busy!


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

Sorry if I wasn't clear before.

The man up thing is done. For 7 months I have improved and far surpassed every issue she has brought up. The major issue she brought was the state of the house. She felt that I was dragging her down into my lower state of existence because of it, and she was tired of nagging. She felt betrayed because she thought I had intentionally not listened to her. I simply didn't understand how important it was to her. Every thing she mentioned, and some she didn't has been improved on and surpassed her expectations, by her own words. Everything. She is astounded by the change, she thinks it is fantastic. But she doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

Our day-to-day relationship is great, but there is no love for me. No affection. It is not a case of "you have a lot to do", as I've done all of that and more. A few months ago I even stopped being Mr. Nice Guy, and she got pissed that I was giving her the cold shoulder, even though I wasn't. So it's back to amicable, but not fulfilling.

She has never said that she wants it to work out, and I'm not sure why. She isn't sure why either, she just doesn't want to try. The care is still there, but the love for me isn't. She gets very defensive if I mention anything that isn't me saying I'm wrong. It's quite irritating.

I'm to the point now where I wonder if I might actually be better off without her, but I'm not quite ready to give up on her yet. Having our 3 young kids certainly complicates the matter further.

I get the whole man up thing. I've heard the be an ******* argument and it works for a time. But then it just makes her angry and makes it worse. There has to be happy medium that will allow me to keep my man card but not tip her over the edge.

Finally, I would love to fight but I've been fighting for 7 months for this woman, and get refused at every turn. I know that she still finds me attractive (I catch her staring from time to time), and I know that she cares what happens to me, she just says she doesn't want to continue a marriage with me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She sounds like a woman who is having an affair.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

That's what I keep hearing but it would be virtually impossible for her due to her schedule. It could be an EA but I have no way of finding out if she is or isn't.

Damn.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

silveryposter said:


> That's what I keep hearing but it would be virtually impossible for her due to her schedule.
> Damn.


Don't think this for a minute at all. Cheaters manage to squeeze in some strange if they want it.

They can work 80 hours a week and have a demanding schedule. You are fool to think this thought.

Not suggesting she is cheating, but it is a distinct possibility.

If she can find 30 minutes three times a week outside of your presence she has time to cheat.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

silveryposter said:


> That's what I keep hearing but it would be virtually impossible for her due to her schedule. It could be an EA but I have no way of finding out if she is or isn't.
> 
> Damn.


An EA (emotional affair) can be as equally devastating as a PA (physical affair) - if not more so - and usually leads to a full blown affair - if it hasn't happened already.

Please click on the link below my signature titled "Just Let Them Go" - Its author is Rob X form MA (marriage advocates). It is for many of us THE epiphany for us betrayed spouses.

Follow the 180 degree rules not to manipulate your wife to want to remain married to you but to empower you to move on with your life with or without her.

Since you have been the primary caregiver, if there is a divorce, she will have to pay you child support and possibly alimony as well. Something that most women do not envision when they file for divorce.

If she does file click on the link below my signature titled "dadsdivorce.com: Lessons Learned - Before and During".

Prepare yourself legally, otherwise you may find yourself in a situation not to your liking.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolf is on it.

Your writing indicates you've done some exercise.

Yet, the emotional leadership part of manning up remains to be done.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Yet, the emotional leadership part of manning up remains to be done.


Was confused by this at first but now it makes complete sense. I'm going to ask for some time to talk to her (no ambush) and lay several things on the line. She has to accept some responsibility for how things are, and should be willing to change.

I may be close to giving up on our relationship, but I'm not giving up hope for a loving home for our children. She has to understand that EVERY possible reconciliation must be done pursued before giving up. Divorce is hell on adults, but it's even worse for children.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Women that fall out of love don't come back. But don't take my word. Any ladies here who have fallen out of love with their husbands? Did the love come back? 

I've yet to get an affirmative response to that question. Start living life for you and your kids. She's gone. Sorry.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

From everything you've written about her demands, actions, and reactions she's acting like someone in an affair. 

She's gaslighting you, she's making demands. Yet nothing you do meets with her approval. This sounds like she has no intention of you ever succeeding in your quest to make the marriage work. Continuing to fight to meet her approval is going to get the same results - failure.


Something does not add up here and it looks a lot like there's another rooster in the hen house.


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