# I don't know what she wants anymore



## echo3 (May 28, 2012)

This is my first post here.
BACKGROUND
My wife and i have been married for approximately 8 years, we are both in our mid 30's and have two small children. I am a police officer who works shift work and have a lot of extra work-related responsibilities and had a lot of hobbies at the time. She is a part-time waitress and full-time mom. Last Spring, we were arguing about everything and anything, just getting by with bills, and rarely spending any time alone together. Our sex-life was in the toilet, and she was very insecure about her physical appearance which made her not want to have sex. I flew off the handle a few times about some really dumb stuff. I found myself yelling at her about things. I can't stand her work schedule as well: We live in a beach resort area and the restaurant where she works is very busy. She works 3pm until 1am, sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week. When she comes home, she is exhausted and wants to go right to sleep. She refuses to take off weekend nights so we can go out like a normal couple should and says that weekends are bad nights to go out because places are too crowded and that you don't get the same level of service because of the busyness. I can see her point, but sometimes it is nice to function like a "normal" person whatever that is worth. Last June, my wife and I separated for approximately 8 months. About 2 months before the separation, she told me that she spoke with our pastor who told her that we should separate, "to remove ourselves from the circle of our fighting" and also recommended marriage counseling. I was upset at the fact that our pastor suggested a separation without speaking with me about this as well, so spitefully, I told my wife that I would not go to counseling. 
So, I arrived home from work one day and discovered that she and our small children had moved out and moved in with one of her parents. I was shocked, upset, sad, and every negative emotion possible. 
WHAT I DID TO TRY TO FIX IT Approximately 1 month later, I decided to go to marriage counseling with her. Our counselor was initially very captivating to us. He was in his mid-60's, a former Baptist minister and had about 35 years of counseling experience. He broke the ice with a lot a sex-talk and jokes, which was probably meant to have us open up and be comfortable sharing with him. We had weekly sessions with him for about 6 months then stopped going in late December because our schedules and the holiday busyness was hectic. We were into the counseling for about 2 months when I began noticing that we were only focusing on my problems and not hers. He kept saying that "we needed to get past my issues before we moved on to y wife's issues". I was making good progress with his suggestions but on the other hand was tired of being "kicked in the nuts" every week at the sessions. My wife continued to go to our counselor a few more times, and has been once or twice lately. I have not gone back because I felt as though he was biased toward her and not giving me a "fair shake".
She moved back in February 1st of this year. I wanted to begin reconciling our marriage and wanted to jump into it full-force. I wanted to make love to my wife but it was awkward because he had no bedroom relationship in over a year. We both weren't really into it. She said that she was not comfortable initiating sex because she did not feel comfortable with her body. I have brought it up a few times since but we haven't tried. She has been running on our treadmill and making a great effort to improve her self image and I have complimented her several times, being careful not to over-compliment. 
Our childcare situation is not the best, her parents like to have the kids overnight once a week, and if I am not working I have dad-duty and when she is off she has mom-duty. We don't have a designated date-night and never go away overnight. I feel as though as I am the only one doing the grunt-work of the relationship because I want everything good again. I find myself doing as much as possible to make her life easier by cleaning, giving her sleep-in mornings, picking up her favorite coffee, suggesting dates, etc. I try to be affectionate with her but she isn't having it, usually all I gat is a light kiss on the lips when she or I leaves the house. My wife isn't so motivated and I become frustrated with this, as I believe as it is starting to be a one-sided relationship.
PROBLEM RETURNS TODAY
Sooooooo,
I went to work this morning and when I returned home, she and the kids were not home. I called her and she told me that they went shopping and were now at her Dad's house and that she would be home in a little bit.
I got changed and started watching a movie in our bedroom when she walked in. She sat down and told me that she thinks that she should move out again. I had that sinking feeling in my stomach and became upset. I remembered exactly how I felt this time last year, as today was almost one year to the day last year that we separated. She told me that she would be over tommorrow morning at 10 o'clock to talk. She left and I sent her a bunch of text messages which she said that she received but could not read them due to the fact that she was dealing with the kids. I hate suspense and when I want to address something, I want to address it and be done with it. She said that she would call me at 8:00 tonight after the kids are asleep.
THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS
1. She knows that if she moves in with her father, she has a built-in babysitter every night, which allows her to go out with her friends or work and not have to worry about childcare. She does not have to worry about feeling guilty about doing whatever she wants because she doesn't have to "run it by" me. I am not the controlling type, as a matter of fact I am pretty laid-back for the police officer-type. I feel that she could care less about being married.
OR
2. She wants to be married, but is unhappy with our current situation. She left because she doesn't want to go "head-on" with the problem and give me the benefit of the doubt. 

BOTTOM LINE
I don't feel as I should have to "beg" her not to separate again. It has put everyone though a lot of pain and I don't want to go down that road again. The separation was a big inconvenience for our family life as well. Previously I was the "nice guy" and always volunteered to pick the kids up and drop them off at her dad's house because i didn't want to inconvenience her. I assumed responsibility for all of our bills including her car payment and insurance. Financially it hurt me because I did not want to work on my days off for overtime as I wanted to spend all of my off-time with the kids. I felt like I got "railroaded". Another factor is that she has a lot of family close-by. My parents reside in a neigh boring state about 2 hours away. I am not a huge fan of her father. I get along well with her mother, but she and my wife's father were divorced 15 years ago, but get along now. 
I will feel like I failed my family if I file for divorce. I do not want a divorce, I just don't know what to do.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Start implementing the 180, also read the books married men sex life and no more mr nice guy.

Im guessing if she feels the need to go out with her friends, she needs validation from other men to feel better. This opens the doors for an affair if it hadn't happened already.

Here's a link to the 180, The Healing Heart: The 180


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

echo3 said:


> I just don't know what to do.


Here is what to do:

1. Stop thinking and worrying about what she will be doing while separated from you. It is not your business what she does. She is neither your child nor your property.

2. Stop trying to second guess her.

3. Go back to marriage counseling. Ask her to go so she sees a good effort from you but even if she doesn't want to go with you, still go by yourself. You should not have stopped going last time although I understand why you stopped. I would have stopped under the same circumstances, except I would have found a different counselor, rather than quitting altogether.

What happened with your counselor is a common problem and the reason couples have to shop around. Marriage counseling should never be b*tch sessions for either party. Both want to complain and gripe about the other because they feel that there is finally someone to listen and that someone can help. But, a good counselor will only allow the gripe session to go just so long before obtaining a good general picture of the major marital issue(s) and devise goal-oriented strategies and techniques to improve communication skills and conflict resolution. A good counselor will not takes sides. It makes one party feel good and validated, but it completely alienates the attacked individual. Anyone would do what you did. As a result of being alienated and quitting, you made no progress at all and, therefore, there was no improvement in you and the marital problems. 

Take this opportunity now to find a different counselor. But be mindful. If the same situation repeats itself, then shop again for another one. Be mindful also that the counselor should never take YOUR side and attack your wife. You, just like your wife did, will feel validated and righteous, but she then will be the one attacked, and there will be no progress once again.



echo3 said:


> I am not the controlling type


Oh, but you are. You are very much so. With reading every paragraph, my thoughts were, "Great jeepers this guy is controlling." Along with good marriage counseling, individual counseling might also help you discover who and how you truly are.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree that you should seek a MC that you both agree with and keep searching for one till you both agree. No good counselor would focus on one person as both contribute to the issues.

Remember that all the people who come here have their own issues and will advise from the POV, so if you get labelled as something I would ask for their credentials.

180!


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## echo3 (May 28, 2012)

thanks! i copied the 180 and it begins in the morning! It will be painful but I have to follow through with it.


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## Khestral (Apr 9, 2012)

> MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES


What is this? I am reading this right or is this something else?


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