# Second-Guessing myself A LOT.



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone.
Those of you who know my story, know that I'm separated from my soon to be ex-husband for the 2nd time. We were separated the first time for a year. Now it's been 3 months into our 2nd separation.

He wanted to give it another try, but I said no. Because ours was a yo-yo relationship.

This week has been VERY difficult, I am always second-guessing myself. I tell myself if this is the biggest mistake of my life? Ending a marriage feels like a life-sentence. The loneliness hurts. I'm trying to stay strong. I think back to certain situations etc. and I realize that during our brief 3-month reconciliation, I was looking for reasons to end the marriage. I was so full of resentment and anger about what he'd done in the past...and he wasn't stepping up to the plate enough, I wish he'd got to marital counselling with me but he just wouldn't go.

Is it normal to second-guess ourselves? I know living with him is too hard, plus knowing his family hates me really was a dark cloud over our heads and makes a happy marriage nearly impossible. I deserve better. But what if this is the best it was ever going to get and it's downhill from here?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange, you have to stop doing this to yourself . It will not be all downhill from here. You're letting your thoughts run rampant and you're ruminating too much on the what-ifs.

If he was willing to go to counseling and be truly open to making positive changes (like setting appropriate boundaries with his family) I'd say give it another shot. But he's not willing. And you can't do it by yourself.

Are you in counseling now for yourself? I think it would be very helpful for you so you can stop dwelling on this and second guessing your decision. I'm very sorry for what you are going through, but it really will get better in time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Orange,

based on your history and what you've posted before, it sure looks like you're making the right decision. Try not to beat yourself up about things with all the second-guessing. You're making the decision to end things BECAUSE your husband couldn't or wouldn't place you first in your marriage vs. his family. It may have taken you some time to finally come to the decision to end things with him, but you need to keep reminding yourself that you've done all you can do. The rest is up to him, and he's not willing to do that. 

If it helps, go back and read some of your first posts here to see where you were then, and then read some of the posts you made after you first moved into your apartment. I think you'll see a major difference in the way you felt, and that's the important thing to focus on. You were miserable when you had to deal with your husband's family, you were relieved and even happy to be away from them, and now you've seen beyond a shadow of a doubt that your husband isn't going to change. You know this. Don't allow yourself to second-guess what is ultimately the right decision.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange, you have to stop doing this to yourself . It will not be all downhill from here. You're letting your thoughts run rampant and you're ruminating too much on the what-ifs.
> 
> If he was willing to go to counseling and be truly open to making positive changes (like setting appropriate boundaries with his family) I'd say give it another shot. But he's not willing. And you can't do it by yourself.
> 
> ...


Hi clam, of course I know you are right - but some days I am just blank, with a feeling of loss and nothing else. There's no 'reasoning' behind it, only feeling sad and alone. That's why I post on here, so you guys can remind me how awful it was and why I should be glad to be out of that marriage. 

He'll never set boundaries with his family. 

I'm not in counselling anymore, I was up until I separated again. I think as long as I can bounce my thoughts off you guys here, and get open honest feedback, I'll be OK. Plus time...time will help.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Orange,
> 
> based on your history and what you've posted before, it sure looks like you're making the right decision. Try not to beat yourself up about things with all the second-guessing. You're making the decision to end things BECAUSE your husband couldn't or wouldn't place you first in your marriage vs. his family. It may have taken you some time to finally come to the decision to end things with him, but you need to keep reminding yourself that you've done all you can do. The rest is up to him, and he's not willing to do that.
> 
> *If it helps, go back and read some of your first posts here to see where you were then, and then read some of the posts you made after you first moved into your apartment. I think you'll see a major difference in the way you felt, and that's the important thing to focus on. You were miserable when you had to deal with your husband's family, you were relieved and even happy to be away from them, and now you've seen beyond a shadow of a doubt that your husband isn't going to change. You know this. Don't allow yourself to second-guess what is ultimately the right decision.*


Thanks Lloyd, this is good advice. I know my situation living with his family was awful and I don't regret leaving at all. But I do feel badly that we weren't able to fix things up properly once he came back. He was making an attempt, but hadn't changed enough for me to be happy.

Is he a walk-away spouse? He left 5 times while we were together in the span of 3 months. The first couple times I told him to leave. The other 3 times he packed up and left. I think that's traumatic - to me, to our daughter. We don't deserve that. He's showing his family how weak of a marital unit we are, I feel betrayed and hurt, and it takes us all back to square one. Right now, that's what's preventing me from ever considering taking him back...at least right now I'm in a steady low point. With him, it was high one day and super-low the next. A roller-coaster. No certainty. I told him I couldn't even plan a family outing on the weekend because I wasn't sure if we'd fight, and he'd pack up to leave for a couple days. What kind of marriage is that? A grown-up doesn't pack up all his stuff and leave every week, only to come back groveling the next day! This conversation is helping me realize I DID make the right decision!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's very easy to get into the "what if" mode. But you can't. When I make really tough decisions I never second-guess myself because you can get caught up in that loop and spin forever. You need to trust that the decisions you make for yourself and your daughter going forward are the right ones and will make you happy. 

You will have a much different life than the one you envisioned but there's no reason to think it won't be a good life. The old saying that life is what you make it is true. Make a plan -- daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. And work that plan. Chart your progress so you can see how far you've come. Have goals for each stage. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish. And how much your life will change for the better. 

There's nothing easy about divorce. But you'll get through it -- as the rest of us have -- and be stronger for it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> It's very easy to get into the "what if" mode. But you can't. When I make really tough decisions I never second-guess myself because you can get caught up in that loop and spin forever. You need to trust that the decisions you make for yourself and your daughter going forward are the right ones and will make you happy.
> 
> You will have a much different life than the one you envisioned but there's no reason to think it won't be a good life. The old saying that life is what you make it is true. Make a plan -- daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. And work that plan. Chart your progress so you can see how far you've come. Have goals for each stage. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish. And how much your life will change for the better.
> 
> There's nothing easy about divorce. But you'll get through it -- as the rest of us have -- and be stronger for it.


Thanks Openminded. I thought a lot about your advice over the weekend. It's true that I can stay stuck in the "what-if"/second-guessing stage forever. The result would be, that my second-guessing gets so out-of-hand that I get back together with my ex-husband. Nothing would have changed, so we'd break up again, only to second-guess myself again and get back together again. A never-ending yo-yo relationship.

I've been telling myself to stop the second-guessing and accept that we have split up, and to finalize it. I just have to accept it. This is not how I envisioned my life, but this is what I got, and I have to move on. I just have to find a way. I don't know why I feel so guilty and sorry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's totally normal to feel guilty and sorry and sad and lost. It's part of grieving the end of a marriage. You never thought this would happen. It's a hard road -- one I certainly wouldn't want to repeat -- but you'll get there.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> It's totally normal to feel guilty and sorry and sad and lost. It's part of grieving the end of a marriage. You never thought this would happen. It's a hard road -- one I certainly wouldn't want to repeat -- but you'll get there.


I hope so.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> It's totally normal to feel guilty and sorry and sad and lost. It's part of grieving the end of a marriage. You never thought this would happen. It's a hard road -- one I certainly wouldn't want to repeat -- but you'll get there.


exactly, you never really went through the grieving process as you were apart then back together, then up and down. Now cut the ties and let the grieving take its course. After that you will know you have made the right decision and become a happy confident woman who no longer looks to the past.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

aine said:


> exactly, you never really went through the grieving process as you were apart then back together, then up and down. Now cut the ties and let the grieving take its course. After that you will know you have made the right decision and become a happy confident woman who no longer looks to the past.


This is true, I had never grieved the end of the marriage during our first separation...as I always hoped he'd see the light and we'd get back together. It's different this time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a process. Time is the only thing that really helps. The problem is it seems to move so very slowly. But you'll get there. 

Is he still attempting to convince you to try again?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

There's a lot of up and down at first I think. About two weeks ago, things felt the worst for me, and I had two days where I pretty much cried constantly. Not that I wanted him back, just that I was feeling so awful. But then after that, it's been all good. I got sad, and then angry, and now I just feel at peace. You'll get to that spot too, I know it.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Allow the feelings to come and go. We only can make the best information that we have today. We know the history and not the future. 

It's always sad to break up with someone you love. No matter if they are unhealthy, abusive or adulter. Marriage is a partnership.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> It's a process. Time is the only thing that really helps. The problem is it seems to move so very slowly. But you'll get there.
> 
> Is he still attempting to convince you to try again?


I'm starting to realize you are right, time really is the only thing that will help me. In the "mean-time" (haha) I have to keep as level a head as possible.

No, he's no longer trying to convince me.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

northernlights said:


> There's a lot of up and down at first I think. About two weeks ago, things felt the worst for me, and I had two days where I pretty much cried constantly. Not that I wanted him back, just that I was feeling so awful. But then after that, it's been all good. I got sad, and then angry, and now I just feel at peace. You'll get to that spot too, I know it.


I hope so...I hope I get to a place of peace and acceptance without bitterness. I am glad you are feeling better! *hugs* I'm also feeling a little better this week.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> Allow the feelings to come and go. We only can make the best information that we have today. We know the history and not the future.
> 
> It's always sad to break up with someone you love. No matter if they are unhealthy, abusive or adulter. Marriage is a partnership.


Corpus you hit the nail on the head...yet my parents (who mean well) tell me things like, "We're worried that in the future, you will regret getting a divorce and wish you'd stayed married to him." This plays on my fears.

I fluctuate between memories of all the nice/sweet/generous things he did, and the hurtful/destructive things he did. And I worry that 10 years down the road, I really will be single, lonely, bitter and regretful. The only thing that really helps me is, like Openminded said, lots of time, and my faith in God. In the worst times, I tell myself that God is protecting me and will help me get through this and to a place of peace/happiness again.


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