# My husband has ZERO communication skills



## kokcarol

Lots of situations have arisen in the past year. Emotional ones, that were difficult. Job changes. Two miscarriages. Health issues. Stress levels through the roof.

We have only been married for a year. I am considering leaving, and have mentioned this. I sometimes spend a weekend away to give us some space.

Generally, we still hold hands, hug all the time, sleep in the same bed (only occasional rare sex), do activities together, plan how to spend money, go on "dates" about once a month. Talk to each other during the day at least twice.

But....

We do NOT have serious discussions about our relationship. 

Over the past year, he has done things that I would term "dealbreakers", and when I get angry about it, he just says "sorry" and waits for me to get over it. 

His communication skiils are nill. He won't read advice, dyslexic. I've been reading and trying to use "I" statements instead of accusing. He feels like I'm always mad at him for something. 

Right now, I flip between thinking I should leave him because of the things he has done, and I should do what I can to HELP him develop some skills, we are still too newly married to give it up this easily, too many situations have arisen, etc. I should try more. 

I am forcing myself to be kind, polite, go out of my way to show appreciation, thank you's, but if I try to bring up a serious conversation, he changes the subject.

How patient should I be? 

How "harsh" is it to make a list of the things we need to resolve, behavior's that are unacceptable, expectations, etc and make it clear that these need to be addressed or I will move out? I'm an assertive person, not a doormat. 

do I just let the past go at his "I'm sorry" and forget about it?


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## WomanScorned

If he would agree to it, I would try marriage counseling. My ex has zero skills, as well, and now he's my ex......he won't do marriage counseling, but if yours will and you feel the marriage is worth saving, then do it!


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## TemperToo

Ditto. I am separating from my husband after nearly 12 years and this is probably the biggest factor in the deterioration of our relationship. If he will go to counseling, take him. If he won't, go on your own. It really does help, even if you go by yourself.


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## wemogirl

kokcarol said:


> Lots of situations have arisen in the past year. Emotional ones, that were difficult. Job changes. Two miscarriages. Health issues. Stress levels through the roof.
> 
> We have only been married for a year. I am considering leaving, and have mentioned this. I sometimes spend a weekend away to give us some space.
> 
> Generally, we still hold hands, hug all the time, sleep in the same bed (only occasional rare sex), do activities together, plan how to spend money, go on "dates" about once a month. Talk to each other during the day at least twice.
> 
> But....
> 
> We do NOT have serious discussions about our relationship.
> 
> *Over the past year, he has done things that I would term "dealbreakers", and when I get angry about it, he just says "sorry" and waits for me to get over it. *
> His communication skiils are nill. He won't read advice, dyslexic. I've been reading and trying to use "I" statements instead of accusing. He feels like I'm always mad at him for something.
> 
> Right now, I flip between thinking I should leave him because of the things he has done, and I should do what I can to HELP him develop some skills, we are still too newly married to give it up this easily, too many situations have arisen, etc. I should try more.
> 
> I am forcing myself to be kind, polite, go out of my way to show appreciation, thank you's, but if I try to bring up a serious conversation, he changes the subject.
> 
> How patient should I be?
> 
> How "harsh" is it to make a list of the things we need to resolve, behavior's that are unacceptable, expectations, etc and make it clear that these need to be addressed or I will move out? I'm an assertive person, not a doormat.
> 
> *do I just let the past go at his "I'm sorry" and forget about it*?


After he apologizes, does his behavior change or does he still continue doing the same things that hurt you? I wish I had some advice but I don't. I'm in the same boat with an uncommunicative spouse. I hope your DH is willing to change his behavior.


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## kokcarol

Thank you...I kinda guessed the answer would be "go".... as I've read over and over that communication is a killer.

He has mentioned counsellng, more than once. It was a comment to ME that I should look it up and book something. I said HE needs to get involved in that. What's the point of me booking something and having him just show up? 
I will try to look into more, thanks.


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## lisa3girls

kokcarol said:


> Thank you...I kinda guessed the answer would be "go".... as I've read over and over that communication is a killer.
> 
> He has mentioned counsellng, more than once. It was a comment to ME that I should look it up and book something. I said HE needs to get involved in that. What's the point of me booking something and having him just show up?
> I will try to look into more, thanks.


It is a start... why not do it? What do you mean exactly by dealbreakers?? What did he do that was that bad?


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## TemperToo

I agree, at least it's something! My husband refused for years to go. So just the fact that he's willing speaks volumes!


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## Married 20 years

While I am totally in favor of counseling also, I am aware that many men will never go to counseling - especially the men who struggle with communication. 

So I have some other suggestions that have worked for me over the years:

1) Never threaten divorce or leaving. This sabotages your relationship and tells him you're only committed if he behaves a certain way. It says that staying the course is "optional" for you. One thing that kept us together through the hard times was knowing we were both in it for the long haul - in good times and in bad.

2) Make a point of scheduling "fun" times. These are times when you forget about problems and just have fun doing something together. 

3) Spend a day saying only positive things to him. Do little things for him even though you don't feel like it. 

4) Schedule one time a week for discussing "issues." He will probably resist, but this is where you have to teach him some communication skills. Make sure you take time to listen to him - don't do all the talking. At first, just deal with one or two issues and call it a night. That way he won't dread the next time.

5) The rest of the week act as if your marriage is great and you have the best husband around. Compliment him. He will like the new you (non-complaining) and may rise to the occasion.

6) Remember that marriage is a lot more work than anyone ever thinks it will be. Learn to overlook the little things and lovingly confront the big things. It won't be any easier with someone else. The grass only looks greener on the other side.

Don't give up just because he won't go to marriage counseling or read books. A wise woman can teach a man better communication skills and this will help him both at home and in the workplace.

Pray continually.


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## Jellybeans

Koko, please elaborate on what the dealbreakers are that he has done. 

If he's up for MC, I say go for it. Most men aren't into it.


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## Laurae1967

I find it really odd that your husband is agreeable to counseling and you are ambivalent about it.

Remember that a relationship is a dynamic between two people and you are 100% responsible for the state of your marriage. So is your spouse. I can guarantee that there are things that you are doing in the marriage that make it hard for your husband to communicate the way you want him to. That is why counseling is helpful. It gives you the chance to see how your behavior feeds into his and vice versa. 

I'm not excusing any bad things he may have done, but it terms of communication, it is a two way street.

If you leave, the chances that you gravitate to someone with similar characteristics/communication style as your husband are great. (Meaning - you will again end up with a guy who doesn't have great communications skills.) Better try to figure out if you both can work together to get your needs met before bailing out.


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## NoahBody

Didn't you go into the marriage knowing your husband's level of communication skills? We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Then again, I got married knowing my wife was incredibly sarcastic, assuming that over time she would let down her guard as she got to realize that I'm on her side (all her exes cheated on her) and the sarcasm would dissipate. I was wrong.

Communication skills can be developed, if he wants to build them. 

You mentioned "dealbreakers" yet if they actually are such then why are you still together? If they aren't truly dealbreakers are you willing to learn how to move on and put them in your past? Do you love him? Do you like him? I can't tell....


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## AFEH

kokcarol said:


> Thank you...I kinda guessed the answer would be "go".... as I've read over and over that communication is a killer.
> 
> He has mentioned counsellng, more than once. It was a comment to ME that I should look it up and book something. I said HE needs to get involved in that. What's the point of me booking something and having him just show up?
> I will try to look into more, thanks.


Believe it or not, you and your H are communicating very well. For example, he’s communicating that he thinks it’s enough for him to apologise, and you understand that. So your communication is good.

But if it’s not a problem with communication, then what is the problem? You will find that the problem is that you have fundamentally different values and beliefs.

For example, you want to talk about things and resolve the issues between you, you’re assertive and you value and believe in that approach. He doesn’t. And hence your clash, it’s simple really.

People separate and divorce not due to communication problems, although they think that’s what the problem is. The actual problem is catastrophic differences in values and beliefs where the two partners will not and cannot find compromises they are both happy and content with.


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## Chris Taylor

If he is acceptable to MC, jump at the chance and make an appointment. It isn't who makes the appointment but getting there to work on the marriage.

it may also be beneficial for him to see an individual counselor to help with his communication skills. It helped me immensely.

I'm not saying this is the case with you but in my case my wife talked to me with contempt and browbeating. When I offered an opinion, I wasn't "valuing her opinion". When I argued my point, I was "always fighting" her. Eventually, I was most comfortable in a virtual fetal position, not communicating.

If YOU are communicating correctly, he will have to learn to do the same thing. But you may have to look at how you talk to him and gauge whether you approach is conducive to him opening up.


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## Laurae1967

Ingelical - stop leaving harsh one-liners on everyone's posts. You sound like an angry person using the web to vent your misery. It is cowardly and unhelpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nader

Why is the sex so rare? Is he ok with this?


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## Mirrormask

kokcarol said:


> Lots of situations have arisen in the past year. Emotional ones, that were difficult. Job changes. Two miscarriages. Health issues. Stress levels through the roof.
> 
> We have only been married for a year. I am considering leaving, and have mentioned this. I sometimes spend a weekend away to give us some space.
> 
> Generally, we still hold hands, hug all the time, sleep in the same bed (only occasional rare sex), do activities together, plan how to spend money, go on "dates" about once a month. Talk to each other during the day at least twice.
> 
> But....
> 
> We do NOT have serious discussions about our relationship.
> 
> Over the past year, he has done things that I would term "dealbreakers", and when I get angry about it, he just says "sorry" and waits for me to get over it.
> 
> His communication skiils are nill. He won't read advice, dyslexic. I've been reading and trying to use "I" statements instead of accusing. He feels like I'm always mad at him for something.
> 
> Right now, I flip between thinking I should leave him because of the things he has done, and I should do what I can to HELP him develop some skills, we are still too newly married to give it up this easily, too many situations have arisen, etc. I should try more.
> 
> I am forcing myself to be kind, polite, go out of my way to show appreciation, thank you's, but if I try to bring up a serious conversation, he changes the subject.
> 
> How patient should I be?
> 
> How "harsh" is it to make a list of the things we need to resolve, behavior's that are unacceptable, expectations, etc and make it clear that these need to be addressed or I will move out? I'm an assertive person, not a doormat.
> 
> do I just let the past go at his "I'm sorry" and forget about it?


Ok i will tackle this one for you. First off i will go ahead and say it. Men are not like Edward from twilight. We do not like to sit and have a long talk about whats wrong in our relatioship. We want to know the facts because that's how our brain is wired. Try this method

1. tell him exactly whats wrong in as few words as you can but give as much detail as you can

2. Allow him to figure out how to fix what the problem is. Let him know that you don't know how to fix this and let his natural instinct to fix something kick in.

3. this is the most important thing. If there is no REAL problem there then he will diagnose the situation and if he sees no real threat or problem, then do not get mad at him for not seeing it. Men see things differently than a women does. We see a problem, we try to fix it, that's it. Do you love this man? if you do then please do not go flying off the bat and leave him because ill tell you what will happen next. You will leave him and find another, but the thing is all men think the same way, you may find a different flavor of ice cream but it is still ice cream. Your gonna have to leave everything you know about guys in movies, books and poems aside. Real life men just don't see the world the way women do. A women will see a flower and see the beauty in its colors and shape, a man will see the same flower and see its beauty in the part it plays in sustaining our planet. They both see its beauty but just through different eyes.

Hang in there and don't give up hope on him just yet. But understand that when dealing with a man, you need to word things differently than when dealing with a woman. But ultimately, some things just cant be fixed sometimes. So if the time comes, then make it short and not a long drawn out process that will damage you both.

But i will warn you, ultimatums like do this or leave, sometimes they do not play out like they do in your head. So if you must give one always remember that it could go very wrong and he actually does leave. So if your blowing smoke and he really does leave then be prepared for that

One other thing i forgot to add. When a man says im sorry he means just that. Only women feel the need to talk about the entire thing to really dig deep into the apology. Men do not. We see what we did, we understand, we apologize then we move on in a matter of a few seconds, that's just how it is.


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## DrWife

kokcarol said:


> Lots of situations have arisen in the past year. Emotional ones, that were difficult. Job changes. Two miscarriages. Health issues. Stress levels through the roof.
> 
> We have only been married for a year. I am considering leaving, and have mentioned this. I sometimes spend a weekend away to give us some space.
> 
> Generally, we still hold hands, hug all the time, sleep in the same bed (only occasional rare sex), do activities together, plan how to spend money, go on "dates" about once a month. Talk to each other during the day at least twice.
> 
> But....
> 
> We do NOT have serious discussions about our relationship.
> 
> Over the past year, he has done things that I would term "dealbreakers", and when I get angry about it, he just says "sorry" and waits for me to get over it.
> 
> His communication skiils are nill. He won't read advice, dyslexic. I've been reading and trying to use "I" statements instead of accusing. He feels like I'm always mad at him for something.
> 
> Right now, I flip between thinking I should leave him because of the things he has done, and I should do what I can to HELP him develop some skills, we are still too newly married to give it up this easily, too many situations have arisen, etc. I should try more.
> 
> I am forcing myself to be kind, polite, go out of my way to show appreciation, thank you's, but if I try to bring up a serious conversation, he changes the subject.
> 
> How patient should I be?
> 
> How "harsh" is it to make a list of the things we need to resolve, behavior's that are unacceptable, expectations, etc and make it clear that these need to be addressed or I will move out? I'm an assertive person, not a doormat.
> 
> do I just let the past go at his "I'm sorry" and forget about it?


OMG I know exactly how you feel! I have made it a point to schedule sex in so we even have it, I do consider that a marital obligation, and we do talk about our marriage problems, although it is mostly me talking and him sitting there. He is always trapped in his own head, it's like he is living his own life and me and our son are just sort of here in the background somewhere. I have tried everything I can think of!


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## DrWife

Mirrormask said:


> 2. Allow him to figure out how to fix what the problem is. Let him know that you don't know how to fix this and let his natural instinct to fix something kick in.
> 
> 3. this is the most important thing. If there is no REAL problem there then he will diagnose the situation and if he sees no real threat or problem, then do not get mad at him for not seeing it. Men see things differently than a women does. We see a problem, we try to fix it, that's it. Do you love this man? if you do then please do not go flying off the bat and leave him because ill tell you what will happen next. You will leave him and find another, but the thing is all men think the same way, you may find a different flavor of ice cream but it is still ice cream. Your gonna have to leave everything you know about guys in movies, books and poems aside. Real life men just don't see the world the way women do. A women will see a flower and see the beauty in its colors and shape, a man will see the same flower and see its beauty in the part it plays in sustaining our planet. They both see its beauty but just through different eyes.


I am in a very similar situation with my own Husband... I have done pretty much all the legwork, understanding that he's a man and talking about relationships just isn't really 'man' stuff  I get how men work because most of my friendships in life have been with men, and I give them a lot of relationship advice. I have told my husband after all the measures we have taken, I don't know what to do now, I need him to think of a plan of action. I need him to 'fix it.' All he has said is 'we could get some more marriage books?' which we have been doing forever and resolve nothing.

My fear is that as you say, he really may not believe his behavior is a problem and that's why he's not changing it.


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## Mirrormask

DrWife said:


> I am in a very similar situation with my own Husband... I have done pretty much all the legwork, understanding that he's a man and talking about relationships just isn't really 'man' stuff  I get how men work because most of my friendships in life have been with men, and I give them a lot of relationship advice. I have told my husband after all the measures we have taken, I don't know what to do now, I need him to think of a plan of action. I need him to 'fix it.' All he has said is 'we could get some more marriage books?' which we have been doing forever and resolve nothing.
> 
> My fear is that as you say, he really may not believe his behavior is a problem and that's why he's not changing it.


Well the next step you could take would be to seek out some professional help. I am a counselor but not a licensed one so i don't want to tell you this is what you SHOULD definitely do or not do. But i would recommend just telling him. "We need to maybe get some help. If you really feel you have done everything you can do, then you will just have to tell him directly, we need to either get some help or I can't do this anymore. But please please make sure you have tried everything there is to try including tolerating the way he is before you say the big "Im leaving". Like i have said before in other post. Men are Men, you can change the flavor of ice cream but it is still ice cream.


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## Ten_year_hubby

kokcarol said:


> Lots of situations have arisen in the past year. Emotional ones, that were difficult. Job changes. Two miscarriages. Health issues. Stress levels through the roof.
> 
> We have only been married for a year. I am considering leaving, and have mentioned this. I sometimes spend a weekend away to give us some space.
> 
> Generally, we still hold hands, hug all the time, sleep in the same bed (only occasional rare sex), do activities together, plan how to spend money, go on "dates" about once a month. Talk to each other during the day at least twice.
> 
> But....
> 
> We do NOT have serious discussions about our relationship.
> 
> Over the past year, he has done things that I would term "dealbreakers", and when I get angry about it, he just says "sorry" and waits for me to get over it.
> 
> His communication skiils are nill. He won't read advice, dyslexic. I've been reading and trying to use "I" statements instead of accusing. He feels like I'm always mad at him for something.
> 
> Right now, I flip between thinking I should leave him because of the things he has done, and I should do what I can to HELP him develop some skills, we are still too newly married to give it up this easily, too many situations have arisen, etc. I should try more.
> 
> I am forcing myself to be kind, polite, go out of my way to show appreciation, thank you's, but if I try to bring up a serious conversation, he changes the subject.
> 
> How patient should I be?
> 
> How "harsh" is it to make a list of the things we need to resolve, behavior's that are unacceptable, expectations, etc and make it clear that these need to be addressed or I will move out? I'm an assertive person, not a doormat.
> 
> do I just let the past go at his "I'm sorry" and forget about it?


I would be a lot more patient than this. My wife is much worse than your guy and we've been married for over 10 years. Now we have our problems but I am still very optimistic and I would trade her communication skills for your husbands in a heartbeat


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