# From Single to Family Man to Soon to Be Dad --Need Direction



## sw1990 (Mar 20, 2013)

I am 23 years old. I just moved into my own apartment in January. I have been friends with a girl named ****** since 10th grade. ****** and I met in 4th period Biology. We would share answers, copy each other paper and go to detention together for cheating. ****** was sharing an apartment with her sister. We would often hang out together or with a group of friends going to the movies, dinner, the pool and parties. After I moved to my place, I had no furniture or no money to buy furniture at the time. I was sleeping on an air mattress. ****** called me up one day and asked would I like a bedroom set that use to be her sisters. She said it was just sitting in storage and someone could be using it. I said yeah—sure. ****** stayed late into the morning helping me set up everything. Then she said she was too tired to go home so she crashed at my apartment. When I got up to go to work the next morning she asked for the apartment keys because she said her sister had some art work in storage that would look nice on the walls. I gave her the keys and when I got home from work the pictures were there and hung. A week later ****** called me again and asked me if I had any use for a dinette set and living room furniture and a desk and some other house stuff because some of her friends were getting evicted soon and needed a place to put the furniture before it was thrown out. So I said yeah to that too. Some other friends came helped us get the furniture into the apartment. ****** spent another late night organizing and setting stuff up. She spent the night again. One thing lead to another and now ****** and I are living together and she is 6 weeks pregnant. How did I let this happen? I am not ready for a kid. ****** messed up my plans. Come to find out ****** lied about the furniture. She owned the furniture all along—she was sneaky. ****** is a nice girl, but very sneaky. She doesn’t talk much but she seems to always get her way. I woke up this morning realizing I don’t want this type of relationship with her. We never discussed kids, living together, marriage, careers, futures or nothing. She seems happy, but I am not totally happy because I feel I was tricked into starting this kind of relationship with her. We were just friends—the buddy type—I wish it had stayed that way. I have a decent job that handles the bills. ****** works too—at a clothing store. She is a good decorator and makes sure the bills are paid on time. She cooks good and keeps place clean and organized. She moved too fast for me. I feel like if she could so smoothly do this, what else will she sneak and do? I ask her where are we going with this, she says she is my wife and she is crazy about me always has been and always will be she said. Then she stares at me with those big blues eyes. She is a gorgeous looking girl, nice shapely legs and a banging body---beautiful blonde hair—I just don’t know how she managed to trick me into all this. Where do I go from here?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Cover your bases and get a DNA test on the baby before they put your name as the father on the birth certificate.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

You wonder how you got tricked into all this? 

Let me hazard a guess...that "gorgeous looking girl, nice shapely legs and a banging body---beautiful blonde hair" blinded you, right?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

SHE did not mess up your plans. YOU did. Was she manipulative? Absolutely. But all of those choices were yours.

Regardless of how she ended up with you, did you make birth control your priority? Because if you have sex, you could be a father regardless of the rest of it. She's only six weeks along. Convince her to end it.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

First of all...you sound like a grown adult and could have said no to the things being put in your apartment at any time. You could have said no to her crashing at your pad. You could have not had sex with her. You could have said "I am not ready to move in together." 

YOU DID THIS as much as she did this. Stop putting it all on her. If you weren't ready for a kid...you shouldn't of had sex with her. Kids and STD's are the possible results of having sex along with the awesome orgasm you have at the end of it. If you are going to have it, be prepared for all outcomes. And stop blaming her. You are big boy.


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## sw1990 (Mar 20, 2013)

I know I can't totally blame her for it all. She was supposed to be a friend and she tricked me. I need to stay focused on learning new things on my job--so that I can compete for higher level positions. She got me off track to the point its hard for me to focus on the job.


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## sw1990 (Mar 20, 2013)

I know how she feels about the subject of termination. I would never ask her to do that.


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## sw1990 (Mar 20, 2013)

Yeah yeah--DNA test--didnt think about that. But I'm almost certain the results of the test will place me at the crime scene.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, grow up and take ownership of your actions. The sooner you do that, the better off you'll be. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

sw1990 said:


> I know I can't totally blame her for it all. She was supposed to be a friend and she tricked me. I need to stay focused on learning new things on my job--so that I can compete for higher level positions. She got me off track to the point its hard for me to focus on the job.


:bsflag: Unless she was slipping you roofies, she didn't trick you into her bed. You let her in YOURS. You don't have to be a couple to raise the baby. But stop with the poor dude was tricked to play house schtick. Not buying it.


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## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

Doesnt sound like a bad deal...an apartment full of furniture that you didn't have to pay for...a beautiful women in your presence daily.  On a serious note, You now find yourselve in this situation, make the best of it. I


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## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

I dont agree with how she went about it, but she doesn't sound like a terribly bad person. Encourage open communication with her. You two are going to be parents soon. I agree with some of the other posters here. She didn't mug you or hold a gun to your head. You were a consenting adult just as she was. Best wishes to you.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

As others have alluded to it I will say it out loud.

If you are not ready to become a parent DO NOT have unprotected sex.

You also seem to need a lesson in how to communicate, it is not all verbal. To some women the fact that you were happy for her to "set up home" for you and obviously have sex with her meant that you wanted to "set up home" with her. The whole "feathering the nest" message obviously passed you by.

Look logically at your situation, you are now in a relationship with a women and are about to become a father. 

So MAN UP.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Let's not make the assumption that he was having "unprotected" sex. She may have been on the pill (or said she was) and just quit taking them without his knowledge. Surely wouldn't be the first time that's happened and it would sound very much in character for someone who'd use a stealth approach to move in with a guy. Other than her word, how does he know this girl is pregnant?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Let's not make the assumption that he was having "unprotected" sex. She may have been on the pill (or said she was) and just quit taking them without his knowledge. Surely wouldn't be the first time that's happened and it would sound very much in character for someone who'd use a stealth approach to move in with a guy. Other than her word, how does he know this girl is pregnant?



Let me be even clearer:

As a young man DO NOT rely on your partner to "take care of things". Either wear a CONDOM or do not have SEX. 

This will protect you both not just from unexpected pregnancies but also dramatically reduce the chances of STD's being passed.

The fact that the OP accepts
"I'm almost certain the results of the test will place me at the crime scene."
that he is the father tells us that he knows he was having unprotected sex.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Not to mention, you can be on the pill and still get pregnant when you don't where a condom. Trust me...it happens. 

This dude just wants to blame anything and everything on her.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Not to sound trite, but - you have what a lot of guys on here seem to be looking for - a good looking woman who helps with the bills, and also apparently cleans well. 

Also - the fact that she owned the furniture, while yes, not quite on the up and up doesn't change any of the facts after that. Guys use free drinks at the bar to try and make an "in" with women - she used free furniture, and apparently a lot of other free stuff to work on forming a relationship with you.

Which, if you've been friends for what - ten years, despite her "banging body" apparently - you had her deep in the "friend zone" for a long time, and she'd wanted something more for a while. Obviously you must have something in common for you to be such close friends for so long.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well, let me be trite and ask 

are you for real?

She is gorgeous, blonde, big blue eyes, moved in with you. You like her. Now she is pregnant with your child, is crazy about you, so now likely to adorn your life for, oh, at least the next twenty years.

And you are unhappy about the situation?

Also, you say she is quiet, which reminds me of a story.

Two middle-aged men talking:

No.1 I am going to divorce my wife.

No.2 Why what is the problem?

No.1 She has not spoken to me for a month

No. 2 after a long pause..... don't be hasty, women like that are hard to find.

In all seriousness (and yes, the above was at least partly in jest ) I think plan A for you has to be to make the best of the situation, try to make a success of the relationship and of fatherhood. Many happy marriages have started something like this. You never know, this might be the start of yours. Either way it looks as though you have no further say whether or not you become a father.

You say she is sneaky and yes I agree it seems she has gone about starting a family with you the wrong way. But you know what , I remember my sister when I was 18 telling me - 'the nice thing about men is how easily you can manipulate them'. My sister is not a particularly manipulative woman. I also remember a poster here quoting a saying to the effect that a man is never ready to become a father. I can understand this. If women did not manipulate men some of the time I reckon the human race would have died out. Men were made strong, women were made shrewd to compensate.

You will probably, I suggest, want to have a conversation with your girlfriend at some point to say that you are upset about how this has happened but that you are prepared to see how you get on in a long-term relationship, in which you are prepared to give it your best shot. You owe her that, I reckon, but if not you certainly owe it to your child. 

Only consider plan B if Plan A fails.

Best wishes for the future


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## sw1990 (Mar 20, 2013)

I read all posted comments. Thanks for your responses. Yesterday me and my girlfriend sat down and had a long talk. She wants to get married. I told her how I felt maniupulated because she wasnt in my immediate short range plans. I told her that I care for her and I love her but I can't say I'm in love with her like she's in love with me. She says she is crazy about me and wants us to get married. She wants the big house in the country with the white picket fence. She wants family vacations in the summer. She says she considers me her best friend and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We have been friends for about 9 years--just friends until recently. I told her that I was confused because all of this has happened so fast. She got all emotional and started crying. She got on the phone with her sister and bashed me to pieces while I was in the same room with her. Then she went in the bedroom and locked the door. She wouldnt let me in the room to sleep last night. I slept in the living room. I want to do right by her and my child. Dont want to stress her out, but want her to come out of fantasy land. She told me she was on the pill but ended up pregnant. I want to do the best I can in my current situation. I've never been so stressed out in my life. She is not stressing me its just the whole situation in itself. I have three people to worry about now. Myself, her and the baby. What can I do to difuse this stress and funtional normally?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You say that you feel that you have been” manipulated” but could it be that the two of you have failed to communicate effectively. 

From your point of view you have just drifted into a relationship but your girlfriend obviously wanted more.

She may not have said what it was she wanted but you obviously did not make it clear what you wanted. With this lack of communication your girlfriend could be excused for thinking “why other than a want for a long term relationship / marriage would a man and woman set up home together and be acting as a couple”. 
You say that you "love her", you are living together, YOU did not use a condom, she is pregnant by you and wants to get married.
She has long term visions of a happy / prosperous family life together. 

Of course your girlfriend is being all “emotional” she is pregnant so her hormones are all over the place and the perceived lack of commitment from you is not helping. Do not worry about having to spend a night or two on the sofa if you are committed to the relationship and show that to her then all can be good but if you do not have that commitment then why would you still want to be sleeping with her.

It is a very old saying but true none the less:

“you can’t have your cake and eat it too”

Make your mind up time.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

sw1990 said:


> I read all posted comments. Thanks for your responses. Yesterday me and my girlfriend sat down and had a long talk. She wants to get married. I told her how I felt maniupulated because she wasnt in my immediate short range plans. I told her that I care for her and I love her but I can't say I'm in love with her like she's in love with me. She says she is crazy about me and wants us to get married. She wants the big house in the country with the white picket fence. She wants family vacations in the summer. She says she considers me her best friend and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We have been friends for about 9 years--just friends until recently. I told her that I was confused because all of this has happened so fast. She got all emotional and started crying. She got on the phone with her sister and bashed me to pieces while I was in the same room with her. Then she went in the bedroom and locked the door. She wouldnt let me in the room to sleep last night. I slept in the living room. I want to do right by her and my child. Dont want to stress her out, but want her to come out of fantasy land. She told me she was on the pill but ended up pregnant. I want to do the best I can in my current situation. I've never been so stressed out in my life. She is not stressing me its just the whole situation in itself. I have three people to worry about now. Myself, her and the baby. What can I do to difuse this stress and funtional normally?


Deep breathing and exercise help with stress. Also prayer and meditation.

I think you will also be calmer once you tell yourself that you have a plan to go forward and decide to follow it. My suggestion above was to give this relationship your best shot. That is still my advice. I suggest you tell yourself (but not her) that you will give it three/four years minimum before you even consider giving up. Why so? Well the next year is going to be taken over with the pregnancy, then it will take a year to get used to the baby so you will need at least another year after before things even begin to be normal.

If it is true that she was on the pill but still got pregnant, well that is bad luck but it happens. It sounds as though perhaps she is not sneaky, did not manipulate you as you thought. 

I know this is not what you planned but, you know something - life does not usually run in line with our plans. Often we have to make the best of what life gives us.

You say you are not in love with her, though she is beautiful, nice and crazy about you. Well, you never know, you may actually fall in love with her. Even if you do not, I reckon many happy marriages work even if the partners are not head over heels 'in love'. For many (most?) the giddy early period passes - if it ever occurs for some - and then you have to learn to work at your relationship. I think affection and sexual attraction count for a great deal if you are both nice people who are kind and loving to each other. 

I think she will be very upset that you do not share her enthusiasm to get married. Be kind to her, remind her of all the good things you see in her, assure her that you are not going to run away. If you are not ready for marriage make it clear that that does not necessarily mean you will never marry her. 

Above all, be kind to her. Tell her you did not mean to upset her. Work at making this a success. This site can help you in that.

Good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sw1990 said:


> I read all posted comments. Thanks for your responses. Yesterday me and my girlfriend sat down and had a long talk. She wants to get married. I told her how I felt maniupulated because she wasnt in my immediate short range plans. I told her that I care for her and I love her but I can't say I'm in love with her like she's in love with me. She says she is crazy about me and wants us to get married. She wants the big house in the country with the white picket fence. She wants family vacations in the summer. She says she considers me her best friend and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We have been friends for about 9 years--just friends until recently. I told her that I was confused because all of this has happened so fast. She got all emotional and started crying. She got on the phone with her sister and bashed me to pieces while I was in the same room with her. Then she went in the bedroom and locked the door. She wouldnt let me in the room to sleep last night. I slept in the living room. I want to do right by her and my child. Dont want to stress her out, but want her to come out of fantasy land. She told me she was on the pill but ended up pregnant. I want to do the best I can in my current situation. I've never been so stressed out in my life. She is not stressing me its just the whole situation in itself. I have three people to worry about now. Myself, her and the baby. What can I do to difuse this stress and funtional normally?


She has done enough manipulation, DO NOT let her trick or bully you into marrying her, too! She has a lot of nerve bashing you to her sister like that, she needs to take some ownership here of what it is that she has done. Not that she is solely to blame here, you should have manned up a long time ago about what you wanted or didnt want with her. She needs to grow up. Who knows, maybe the two of you can work out, but she needs to be checked on her manipulative ways ASAP or you will end up miserable. DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL!


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## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

I would feel awful if a guy I was seeing and pregnant told me that I was not in his plans. I don't blame her for being upset and emotional. You have to bare some responsibility in this too. I'm wondering what you were thinking when she brought the furniture in the first time? What about when she brought furniture and other things in the second time? What were you thinking? I understand you were friends but did it darn on you that she could have been looking for more? What about when she spend the night and you obviously slept with her? What were you thinking then? It sounds to me like you were willing and consenting. I could be wrong, but I think you had a change of heart when she informed you of her pregnancy. I believe at this point you begin to back away and come to your senses. 

As others have said, make the best of this situation. It's life and a choice you made--you can not turn back the clock so move forward and enjoy life with her and your baby. So far as the stress goes, enroll yourself in a stress management class, excercise and surround yourself around positive people that can give you sound advise.


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## sw1990 (Mar 20, 2013)

I posted out here in March. At the time I didnt know which way to go. Things are going better than I imagined. Im writing now to say Im happy with my decision and the beautiful woman Im with. She is beautiful inside and out. She is now 21 weeks pregnant and doing well. Over the past months we have bonded and learned a lot about each other. I have fallen in love with her and cant wait to come home to her everyday. She is my best friend, confidant and I have learned a lot from her. We went on a FL vacation with both sides of the family last week. Everyone got along well. We are planning a small outdoor wedding for the summer of 2014. Thanks again for your inputs into this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mazel tov!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Congratulations!

I hope you will all three be very happy.

I advise putting in some work now to make your marriage really strong. Read the Five Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs.

I am, in truth, really very happy for you. 

All the best for the future.


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