# Fiancee idolizes friend



## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

I've looked almost everywhere for help with an issue that I feel is holding back my relationship with my soon-to-be wife.

My fiancée has a friend that she more or less idolizes. The friend, we'll call her Ann, can do no wrong in the eyes of my fiancée. Anything Ann does my fiancée automatically likes or wants to do too. The thing with Ann, though, is that I see her as a "take it or leave it" kind of friend. If you're around her she's your best friend, if you're not she doesn't seem to notice. She's popular and has a bunch of friends. My fiancée doesn't notice & if I bring it up she becomes defensive.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Do you like Ann?

Does your fiancee "idolize" you?

...and finally, are you jealous of Ann?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you have a problem with Ann now it's nothing compared to the problem you will have with her after marriage. 

So resolve it before you get married.


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## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Do you like Ann?
> 
> Does your fiancee "idolize" you?
> 
> ...and finally, are you jealous of Ann?


She loves me and puts forth a lot of effort into our relationship. I like her, but she comes off as self-centered. I would say that I'm jealous that my fiancée tells her everything; thoughts, feelings & some aspects of our relationship that I feel are personal. I should have mentioned in my previous post that my fiancée & I live an hour apart. We see each other on the weekends. Our conversations through the week are mainly on the phone between 11-12 at night. I feel that by the time we talk she's "talked out". 
Her friend has a boyfriend, but with the way she talks & posts on social media you'd think she was single. And since her bf lives away too, she lives the single life & expects my fiancée to do the same.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

These are valuable clues into the character of your fiance'. Her friend is irrelevant. Violating the bonds of intimacy doesn't speak well of your fiance'. If she's spilling intimate secrets about you to her girlfriend, be very careful.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

TN30 said:


> She loves me and puts forth a lot of effort into our relationship. I like her, but she comes off as self-centered. I would say that I'm jealous that my fiancée tells her everything; thoughts, feelings & some aspects of our relationship that I feel are personal. I should have mentioned in my previous post that my fiancée & I live an hour apart. We see each other on the weekends. Our conversations through the week are mainly on the phone between 11-12 at night. I feel that by the time we talk she's "talked out".
> Her friend has a boyfriend, but with the way she talks & posts on social media you'd think she was single. And since her bf lives away too, she lives the single life & expects my fiancée to do the same.


Why is she "talked out" with you?

Does she talk to Ann first & you second?

Who came first, you or Ann?

I could be wrong, but I think maybe you don't care much for Ann & the way she leads her life. I think you believe Ann is a bad influence on your fiancee.

Maybe get this sorted out before you get married?


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## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Why is she "talked out" with you?
> 
> Does she talk to Ann first & you second?
> 
> ...


I ask how the day went and I get back "good" or "alright". They're coworkers & on average work together 2/3 day out of the week. My fiancée & have been together for just over 4 years. She's known her for about 2 1/2.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like your fiancee still wants to "sit at the popular girl's table". She wants so badly to be liked by Ann that she will do ANYTHING to get her to like her.

Sooooo....

With that in mind, what happens when Ann and her boyfriend have a fight, she decides to go to a club for some revenge-style hooking up, and your fiancee is her "wingman" for that night? Sure, you'd like to think that your fiancee will rebuff any encouragement to stray for the night, but then Ann may start asking her things like:
"So, you do EVERYTHING that your controlling, abusive man tells you?"


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## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

There have been times where my fiancee has lied to me saying she was with this friend & she was really over at another guys house.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TN30 said:


> There have been times where my fiancee has lied to me saying she was with this friend & she was really over at another guys house.


Beyond me saying this is a major RED FLAG, I would also say this would be a deal-killer for me.

She was at another guy's house doing ...????


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TN30 said:


> She loves me and puts forth a lot of effort into our relationship. I like her, but she comes off as self-centered. I would say that I'm jealous that my fiancée tells her everything; thoughts, feelings & some aspects of our relationship that I feel are personal. I should have mentioned in my previous post that my fiancée & I live an hour apart. We see each other on the weekends. Our conversations through the week are mainly on the phone between 11-12 at night. I feel that by the time we talk she's "talked out".
> Her friend has a boyfriend, but with the way she talks & posts on social media you'd think she was single. *And since her bf lives away too, she lives the single life & expects my fiancée to do the same.*


And this last part makes her a toxic friend.

That said the problem is with your fiance. She should be mature enough to not idolize ther friend.

Both the BFs are probably being played here. They are each others wingwoman and use the other as the excuse to keep acting single.

If your fiancee is living the single life then she is being unfaithfuo to you. It is on her. I would not stay engaged to a women who did this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TN30 said:


> There have been times where my fiancee has lied to me saying she was with this friend & she was really over at another guys house.


Cheating. Dump her. Run!!!!!

You have know her for four years. You are not yet married and you only see her on the weekends.

If she is already cheating then send her on her way. I was going to say have her move to where you are.

Oh an I could care less whether she is having sex with the other dude or not. Lying and hanging out with other men is cheating. Penetration or not. But the odds are he is tapping that.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

TN30 said:


> There have been times where my fiancee has lied to me saying she was with this friend & she was really over at another guys house.


So now we're getting somewhere with this. 

There was some gut feeling at work in your post, but I could not visualize exactly what was wrong. So I was on the verge of saying to trust your gut instincts and decided not to post at all.

But with this giant, waving red flag I would say the problem is your fiance, not her girlfriend.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

TN30 said:


> There have been times where my fiancee has lied to me saying she was with this friend & she was really over at another guys house.


She banged that guy at his house,dump her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

"Ann" is the least of your problems.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Whether she banged him or not is immaterial!

What are you looking for here, TN30?

*Advice on how to get your fiancee to quit idolizing her friend?* Nobody's got any! She is either IDOLIZING HER (in which case your fiancee is too IMMATURE to be marrying ANYBODY), OR she is wingman with her gf Ann and they are painting the town red! You can bet the engagement ring ONLY GETS WAVED AROUND when some slimy skeez is hitting on them, the rest of the time when ATTRACTIVE men are hitting on them, I'm sure the fiance/bf is a distant memory!
*Advice on how to get this toxic friend out of your lives?* Simple, make fiancee choose: Ann or me!
*Advice on how to get your fiance to behave like an engaged woman?* Sorry, the only person's behavior YOU can change is YOURS. Nobody is going to change fiancee's except her...and only if she WANTS to.
*The facts are CLEAR:*

You and fiance have known each other 4 years.
Fiancee has known toxic friend 2.5 years.
Fiancee consistently chooses toxic friend OVER YOU.
Fiancee has *LIED TO YOU MORE THAN ONCE* about being in the company of other men.
The ONLY reason to be engaged is to ENSURE that the person you're considering marrying is REALLY THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON you should be spending the rest of your life with!

Your fiancee FAILS THE TEST! She LIES to you. She puts you and your relationship SECOND to her relationship with Ann. 

Is her behavior the kind of behavior you want to deal with in the future? Is fiancee the KIND OF WOMAN you want to be the ONLY MOTHER YOUR CHILDREN WILL EVER HAVE? Is SHE the prize: the wonderful woman you have chosen from among ALL OTHERS to be your children's mother? 

She doesn't sound worthy to me!

Break off the engagement permanently next time you see her.
Ask for the ring back.
Block this woman from ALL FURTHER contact with you.
Delete her from all social networking.
Learn the lesson and move on!

When someone is HONEST ENOUGH to SHOW YOU RIGHT UP FRONT how they TRULY FEEL/ACT, be SMART enough to believe them!
Your engagement does NOT mean a whole helluva lot to your financee.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> "Ann" is the least of your problems.


This!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

TN30 said:


> There have been times where my fiancee has lied to me saying she was with this friend & she was really over at another guys house.


Forget Ann. If my fiancee did that, well...

...I wouldn't be writing here because I would no longer have a fiancee to write about.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Whether she banged him or not is immaterial!
> 
> What are you looking for here, TN30?
> 
> ...


Perfect.


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## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your advice & comments. If you want to know anymore, just ask.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

How old are you 3?


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

My wife had a few friends like that when we were first married. One by one, they fell by the waste side as my wife began to see them for what they were.

Fair weather and not very deep or willing to put an equal effort into the friendship. 

Your wife will probably make the same observation and gradually let her relationship with Ann fizzle out.


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## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

NewM said:


> How old are you 3?


We're both 23, I'll be 24 by the time we're married this summer. And the friend is 22.


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## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

KJ5000 said:


> My wife had a few friends like that when we were first married. One by one, they fell by the waste side as my wife began to see them for what they were.
> 
> Fair weather and not very deep or willing to put an equal effort into the friendship.
> 
> Your wife will probably make the same observation and gradually let her relationship with Ann fizzle out.


This is what I'm hoping will happen. After we're married, she's moving to my hometown (I'm finishing up my degree) that's an hour and a half away from the toxins. :smthumbup:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

TN30 said:


> We're both 23, I'll be 24 by the time we're married this summer. And the friend is 22.


So you're still going to marry her? A woman who goes to other men's houses and lies to you about it? I'll bet you think something quaint like 'oh she would never cheat on me'. Meanwhile she's getting it anytime she wants it and you're none the wiser. Well, if you marry her even knowing what you know, then you will only have yourself to blame when she's running around all over town.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TN30 said:


> This is what I'm hoping will happen. After we're married, she's moving to my hometown (I'm finishing up my degree) that's an hour and a half away from the toxins. :smthumbup:


So you are ok with her cheating on you? Cool.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

TN30 said:


> This is what I'm hoping will happen. After we're married, she's moving to my hometown (I'm finishing up my degree) that's an hour and a half away from the toxins. :smthumbup:


She'll just find new toxins in your hometown. That is, if she hasn't talked you into staying where you are by the time of the wedding.

Oh, and that engagement ring? If she's even wearing it when she goes out clubbing...

The reason I say that is my best friend's sister had a fake engagement ring. I asked her why she wore it, and she said that it was her "velvet rope". It was her grandmother's heirloom if an attractive stud with money hit on her...

...but if a "dork" came up to her, then it was an engagement ring.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You're both 23 and you've been together for 4 years!

No WONDER she's running around with Ann playing at the single life! You're BOTH WAY TOO YOUNG to be tying yourselves down to someone "forever"! You've both barely dated ANYBODY else since you got out of high school.

It's obvious you're not going to listen to us, TN30, and that is CERTAINLY your perogative. Please print this entire thread out and put it away somewhere for the future. It will save EVERYONE the trouble of pointing out that you were forewarned.

You and your fiancee will be divorced within 7 years! She/you/both will be sorry you gave up your YOUNG ADULTHOOD to rush into an exclusive steady/engaged/married relationship just to show how adult you were. You both will have realized that you didn't take the time to get to know YOURSELVES, EACH OTHER, or any other potential mates. The sad part is, you will probably have children involved at that point.

Good luck to you both, TN30, I mean that sincerely, but I think you are headed for cheating and a divorce and some very unhappy children.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TN30 said:


> Thanks everyone for your advice & comments. If you want to know anymore, just ask.


I'd be interested to know why you are okay marrying someone you know lies to you. Really.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I realize this is the oldest you have ever been, obviously, but you are way too young.


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## TN30 (Mar 29, 2013)

Ok, thank you


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