# Accusing vs "Saying Something"



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

My husband has recently started sleeping in the bed again, after having for several (more than six) months "fallen asleep" on the couch and never coming to bed, except the rare occasion. During that time, our sex life was still happening, he was getting everything he "needed" from me but I was sleeping alone. It was hard, and he worked on coming to bed and now he mostly sleeps in the bed. He's a super-late night person, always has stayed up til two, three, four am easily. He gets up at 10 and goes to work, his job makes it easy for him to stay up late. 

Well, I slightly injured my ankle playing sports with him this week, and have been keeping it elevated as much as possible due to swelling. Last night, he went to bed early because he was exhausted (from staying up way too late the night before, he's got health issues that interfere with his ability to go fall sleep.) and I went to bed around 11:30, my usual time. I had to prop my foot up high, trying to get the swelling to dissipate. That means I had to sleep on my back, which makes me snore. My snoring is a problem, in fact I'm doing an overnight sleep study tonight finally to see if it's apnea. He has, however never once said that he sleeps on the couch because I snore. He says he usually isn't bothered by it, he's a hard sleeper when he finally does konk out. So, last night, starting around 2am he started telling me "roll over" but I couldn't roll over and keep my foot elevated, so pretty quickly I decided that I needed to hit the couch. I NEVER sleep on the couch unless I'm sick or he's sick or some extenuating circumstance. He knows that...I love our comfy bed! 

I got out of the shower at 7:30 this morning and he had gotten up, since he slept so long last night. He's standing by the couch when I come out and he says,"I guess you don't want to come to bed with me anymore." Me: "What? I came to bed, but was keeping you awake with my snoring, so I came out here because I had to stay on my back in order to keep my foot elevated." I'll admit, I got a little angry at the accusation. My tone of voice was what I'd call "obviously annoyed." It's hard not to be, when you feel like someone is accusing you instead of caring about you. So it continues...he goes in the bathroom and I head across the hall to get dressed. He says (head in hands) "So, every time I say something to you, you're just going to go off on me, is that correct?" I said "If you accuse me of something, I'm not just going to sit there and not defend myself." He started mumbling under his breath about how he'll never say anything again ever and he can't say anything to me without me getting upset. I feel like he always does that passive-aggressive thing when I don't just apologize for whatever he wants me to apologize for. 

So, here's (to me) the kicker. He hasn't once asked about my foot, he's seen it swollen up huge, and he's even made fun of me for having ice on it. So, after all the crap I go through to go sleep on the couch, he doesn't even care about the reason why, he just wants to be mad that I did it. I never used to get mad at him for always sleeping on the couch, I told him that it sucked sleeping alone, because I didn't get married thinking I would have to fall asleep lonely every single night... I am sick of being the "bad guy" because I stick up for myself when he "says something" and I don't just apologize and let him feel vindicated. 

I've tried to get him to counseling with me, we have communication issues among other things. I'm his THIRD wife, and though I would never throw it in his face, I've started to see why. I know you can't please someone who doesn't want to be pleased, and I'm scared that he is exactly that person. I love this man, he's my best friend and my lover and I'd do anything for him. I just worry that I'm going to spend the rest of our lives suffering because it will never change, and that makes me just pitifully sad. Thanks for listening to me vent and of course, comments are appreciated. Kind of at my wits end here, and have pretty much no one to talk to.
Thanks.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That's sad. I don't have any advice, not sure what you would do. But him not checking in on your health (ankle situation) would really hurt my feelers.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think he's just projecting his feelings about the couch onto you. It's him that didn't want to come to bed for 6 months not you.

In that state of mind he was unable to care about your injury.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Let me toss out a theory for what it's worth. Could he have narcissistic tendencies? In other words, is it "all about HIM"?

You see, it appears he has no problem staying up late and sleeping on the couch on his own. But - we he expects you to sleep in the bed with *him*, and you don't, that becomes an affront to *his ego*.

In his mind, it doesn't seem to register that you have an injury and that the injury results in your sleeping position, which causes the snoring. Your injury is not important to him. What is important to him is that you not only did not (because of the injury) change your position in bed, but you actually left the bed to sleep on the couch. And THEN, although you actually had a legitimate excuse for your actions, that doesn't seem to register with his ego.

And now he won't even acknowledge the discomfort (to you) in regards to your injury? No empathy? Narcissist?

In other events in your relationship, has he ever displayed such disregard for your comfort, health and/or general well being? Is it always "about him"?


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Yes, it's always very much about him. What bothers me even more is the fact that when i'm hurt/sick he never seems to care, or know how to show sympathy. We've had fights before because when I'm sick in bed (like flu) he goes out to eat with his buddy and I even had to go to the store to buy myself soup. But when HE's sick, I'm a total mama, and he wants for nothing...I'm just a more caring person, a caretaker.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The way he's going, no doubt, somewhere down the line, he'll have a fourth wife with his attitude.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> Let me toss out a theory for what it's worth. Could he have narcissistic tendencies? In other words, is it "all about HIM"?
> 
> You see, it appears he has no problem staying up late and sleeping on the couch on his own. But - we he expects you to sleep in the bed with *him*, and you don't, that becomes an affront to *his ego*.
> 
> ...


People like him are very hypocritical and contradictory. What's worse, is that they don't even see themselves as being like that. They're so wrapped up in THEIR wants and THEIR needs that they don't have "room" for OUR wants and OUR needs in THEIR lives. 

His behavior is classic narcissism. Not NPD necessarily, but narcissism. Notice how he wants what he wants when he wants it? When HE wants to sleep on the couch, you're supposed to stay away from him. But when HE wants to sleep in bed next to you, you're supposed to be there too. And also notice how he used to sleep on the couch MANY times without you saying anything (even though you probably missed him next to you) to him, but the FIRST time you leave the bedroom, he has something nasty to say about it? 

I ended a marriage to a man like that. 

And I'm so glad I did!

Vega


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Vega said:


> His behavior is classic narcissism. Not NPD necessarily, but narcissism. Notice how he wants what he wants when he wants it? When HE wants to sleep on the couch, you're supposed to stay away from him. But when HE wants to sleep in bed next to you, you're supposed to be there too. And also notice how he used to sleep on the couch MANY times without you saying anything (even though you probably missed him next to you) to him, but the FIRST time you leave the bedroom, he has something nasty to say about it?
> 
> I ended a marriage to a man like that.
> 
> ...


Here's an example of something that happened this morning that scarily sounds like what you say: I had an overnight sleep study done last night about a mile from home. He dropped me off and picked me up, which I thought was super sweet and a little out of character for him. When I came out of the building and got into the car, he started immediately talking about his night and how awful it was, all the stuff he'd been doing, he spent "two hours drilling a hole in the wall to run a cable" on and on about how he couldn't go to the gym because he got sidetracked, how the cats were bothering him looking for me, etc etc...all the way home. Never so much as kissed me hello, or said "How was it?" I was thinking to myself "man, he IS narcissistic!...how did I never see this?" So, we get home, I start the shower, (glue in my hair from electrodes) and he says "you're taking a shower?" (DUH) So...I posted on my facebook status from last night where I had told my girlfriends that I was starting my overnight study and they had all wished me luck, that the Sleep Tech said I stopped breathing several times and it was definitely going to require me to sleep with a CPAP.
All things I could have told him, but he didn't ask. I don't even know how to approach talking to him about this...he is completely self-interested and I know now that it's causing me resentment towards him. Can someone like this change??? Or do I have to be prepared to deal with this forever?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If he's an N they don't change. Ever.

Sorry.

There is no cure for narcissism.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I feel ya Hopeless. Every time I get a sniffle or start feeling ill, my H's response is always, without fail, "Oh great. I can't afford to get sick, I only have X amount of sick time left." When part of our ceiling collapsed on my head in August he never asked if I was okay but started ranting about how/why it happened and I kid you not, the words "the damn ceiling is falling on my wife's head..." were said. Um, hello?? I was the only one there, he was talking to ME, and he still said "MY wife's" instead of "your." 

Everything is all about them. You either learn to live with it, or you make an escape plan. After being angry about it for years, I realized he wasn't going to change and I could either ignore it and focus on his good qualities, or be angry and miserable forever. I learned to laugh most of it off. When he starts getting all "me, me, me" I turn around, roll my eyes, and walk away. 

Hopefully you can manage a way to deal with it, ignore it, or find a way out if you feel there aren't enough redeeming qualities. Good luck!


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

*Updated*

Well, we got in an argument last night and when I told him that he didn't even ask me how my sleep study went, he started shouting at me about how he "couldn't ask me a simple question because I would have told him I didn't know anything yet." He says that he can't talk to me because I make him feel stupid like no one ever has. That he couldn't ask me how my night went because I'm a b!tch. He started going off about every little thing I've ever done "wrong" and was saying very hurtful things, like my past marriage how I said that he was awful to me for fourteen years was just me being a b!tch and basically said that I deserved what I got. Then he shouted "I don't even want to be married to you anymore" and "why are we even still married?" He's gotten angry and said hurtful things before, but in 3 years, nothing even close to this...Every time I have ever called him out on something, this is the kind of response I get...that it's MY fault. 
We've always gotten past our arguments before, but we've also always had the agreement that "no matter what" we love each other and will stay together. No matter what....so his saying that he didn't want to be married to me anymore broke something inside of me. His saying that my ex treated me the way he did because I was a *****...I don't think I even WANT to get over those things. I've had my moments wishing that we weren't together, but never screamed it in his face. Never used words like that just to cause hurt because I knew it would. 
I'm not even sure what to think, except that I could never make him happy because he doesn't want to be. I'm a pretty easy person to live with and I put up with a lot. But this?


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Wow Hopeless, are you secretly married to my H too? About 4 weeks we went through a very similar fight that included him yelling that I'm a psychotic beotch that he hated and is divorcing. Do these guys take notes about the fastest words to hurt their spouses or something??

It all comes down to how much effort you want to put into making this work or getting out. It obviously can't continue THIS way, but the upcoming journey is going to be tough for awhile either way. Would he be agreeable to MC? Is it financially an option for you?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> Can someone like this change??? Or do I have to be prepared to deal with this forever?


There is a third option, the one that Vega, EnjoliWoman, myself and a number of other women on TAM have done...we left our narcissistic husbands. As Mavash pointed out, there is no cure and they don't get better because (for the most part) they don't WANT to get better. They like their life the way it is...all about THEM.

Good luck, you'll need it (says another former-3rd wife of a narcissist!...see, and you thought you were the only one here on TAM! *wink*)


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> Wow Hopeless, are you secretly married to my H too? About 4 weeks we went through a very similar fight that included him yelling that I'm a psychotic beotch that he hated and is divorcing. Do these guys take notes about the fastest words to hurt their spouses or something??
> 
> It all comes down to how much effort you want to put into making this work or getting out. It obviously can't continue THIS way, but the upcoming journey is going to be tough for awhile either way. Would he be agreeable to MC? Is it financially an option for you?


Thanks...I think we ARE married to the same guy LOL  Mine called me psychotic a week or so ago, and I told him "You better look that up in a dictionary before you start calling me that." 
He's always said YES let's go to counseling, but that is only said in order to get past the current argument. Once things cool off, he finds a reason not to go. Like..."I can't be sure I can ever make an appointment, you know I may have to work late and can't drop what I'm doing." Basically telling me that he won't commit. But then we started playing on a city sports team together, and he gets off work earlier than ever for that and never misses or is late. I see where the priorities lie for sure. 

Slowly...I don't want to leave but I think I'm in for a long life of misery if I stay. The hard things are A) I DO love him and have given up everything for him, and given all of myself to him. I thought this was forever, with no doubts. and B) Ending this is another failure, and that is a hard one to face. I'm just sick over it. We're still not speaking more than cordially, and I can tell he's slipping back into that "sitting quietly and hoping I'll let this one be swept under the rug and get over it" mode. IDK what to do, for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. 

Thanks everyone for the support.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Honest to God, you have my sympathy, hr1! I know *exactly* where you're at. *HUGS*

It took me TWENTY YEARS (count 'em, 2 decades) of his ceaseless selfishness and unending crap to finally say 'I've had enough!' We have a child together and I tried to keep the family intact for her!


You ARE in for a long life of misery if you stay. Not gonna lie to you!
Mine made it easy to fall out of love with him; the narcissism is VERY wearing! I lost respect for him a LONG time before I left. When I saw that what our child or I needed was NEVER going to be a priority...EVER...I lost all my respect for him! That is NOT how a good husband/father behaves. It's the antithesis!
I gave up a lot (but not everything) to be with him, I was 55yo and hadn't worked outside the home in YEARS. In the end it was NOT worth it TO ME. (your mileage may vary)
I gave all of myself to him, and he has REPEATEDLY proven to be extremely unworthy!
I, too, was determined it was "forever". We used to joke we could kill each other, but we couldn't get a divorce! I lost two decades of my life to a really bad relationship. I deserved so much more! So did our child!
You've reached the TRUE CRUX of the matter...you don't want to tell yourself you're a 2-time loser (or 3-time loser, or 4-time loser, or whatever the actual number is). Took me a LONG time to get past this one but then I realized two things:

a) people who REALLY love me (like my family) will ONLY want to support me, see me happy, and love me...other people don't mean shyt
b) I'm only a 2-time loser IF I choose to view myself this way! I decided that "once I knew better, I did better". And you need to come to this conclusion, too! When you KNOW better, you DO better! Okay, maybe it's taken a while, but now that you KNOW better you WILL DO better for yourself! Whatever form that takes.​

There is obviously something broken inside of you that needs fixing; if this were NOT true, you would not be with a narcissist! I would suggest you buy/download "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. 

Read it slowly, carefully, for thorough understanding. Answer the questions at the end of EVERY chapter (use it like a workbook). When you have finished the book, you will have an understanding or WHAT needs you have that make you act/react the way you do and you will be able to work on healing yourself so that YOU will be a more whole, healthy, mature person.

At that point, you'll make HEALTHIER choices for you (whether that is staying or leaving). I read the book with a buddy from TAM who lives in another state. We each read the same chapter, sent each other our answers, then we'd ask each other questions (sometimes) based on those responses. It really made us THINK about ourselves, our answers, our problems, our past decisions, our present choices! (THANK YOU, J.R.!) I not only "learned" about myself, I "acknowledged" in BOTH my heart and mind negative things about myself or my past choices that I had only 'intellectually' acknowledged before. I accepted, I forgave myself for past poor choices, and I LEARNED. 

I am NOT the person I was when I married him, and I would NEVER ignore red flags again. I understand NOW why I acted like I did THEN...and I'm fixing myself! I've been on my own for almost 1.5 years and it feels GREAT! I cannot tell you the JOY I feel DAILY just from the lack of stress...NOT walking on eggshells!

I wish you peace, joy, wisdom for these WILL lead you to HAPPINESS!

*HUGS* (PM me if you need/want...I've been in your shoes and I cannot urge you strongly enough to READ THAT BOOK and DO THE WORK necessary. You will never regret ONE MINUTE that you spent on that book and that work...trust me!)

~SGW


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Got the book and well, I'm 100% codependent. That was immediately obvious to me. Add that to my list of worries HAHA!  I can't believe I didn't know it...that's a big reality check. Now I wonder if my working on my codependency will help the situation, or will it just make me want to leave even more? (obviously, this relationship aside, I'm going to work on ME and my issues starting NOW)
I need to talk to him, we've been avoiding each other for the better part of two days, being pleasant yet distant. I dread it though, because he cannot take criticism no matter how minor, he cannot seem to understand that he is part of the problem here. I know it's going to be just another huge blow-up.
I think at this point, unless he is willing to talk to someone right now, I'm not putting in more effort myself. Does that sound crappy? I worry that I'm giving up too easily or making unfair ultimatums.


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