# Should I get divorced, or not?



## IronMouse (Apr 28, 2017)

Hi everyone, this is my first post here.

I am married to my wife for 7 years now (have been dating for 12 years prior to marriage). We have 2 wonderful daughters, age 6 and 3 and a half.

The two of us never quite had the relationship we wanted. I guess we are different. She is too "cold" and calculated for my taste, and I am too "volatile" and "passionate" for hers. Now, a good question to ask is why we even got married in the first place, but please don't. It is irrelevant to my current situation.

We live in a loveless, sexless marriage. The last time we had sex was months ago, and is always on my initiative. Too often she'd refuse it, so I started feeling really bad about it, as if I am desperate and begging for it, so I simply stopped doing it.

My life was in danger twice due to serious illnesses, and was hospitalized both times. She visited, though not nearly as often as I would expect, and she was not there for me when I needed her. This is the first time I was really, really disappointed in her, even though our relationship was far from perfect or what I wanted it to be. She skipped a visit because she had some celebration (!?), she went to work normally while my father sat next to my bed day and night (I had a heart disease and it was getting a lot worse, the doctors told me I could literally not wake up the next morning). I wanted HER to be there for me, not my father. I told her that even, but I just got petty excuses of how busy she was with the kids (the grandparents could have taken care of them, like they did millions of time before).

She chose to work from 5pm to 10pm, while the kids and I are absent for kindergarten/work from 7am to 3pm. She almost never goes out with us, never takes a walk with us.

I can't stand her parents, who also have an awful relationship themselves. That only made things worse, of course. As reciprocity, she "can't stand" my parents as well. Well, they are far from perfect, but they don't interfere in our relationship, while her mother does.

I stayed married for the kids so far, and because the thought of getting a divorce saddens me beyond words. I don't want to hurt the children, I don't want to scar them for life. I would not want them to become unable to love, to be loved, to believe in marriage because of the bad example we have given by getting a divorce. But then, they are growing up and they might adopt the bad role model that the two of us are. I feel completely lost.

Personally, I would feel better with another woman. I have cheated on my wife many times, and I don't blame myself for it. It's not like I haven't voiced how I felt due to her lack of affection many, many times. She always blamed me for it, saying that she doesn't feel good beside me. I needed to feel loved, desired, and I needed the sex. It didn't make me truly happy, in the long run. Just a temporary fix.. But I am concerned about the children and their wellbeing.

I am also very concerned about my relationship with the kids! In my country, the mother is the one that gets the custody 99% of the time, JUST BECAUSE she is a mother. Will I see them? How often? Will she try to turn them against me? Should I suck it up and be unhappy with her, just to be able to spend my time with the kids? Will the children notice this in time? Will they be happier with us divorced, or with us together in a disfunctional marriage? What do I do, and how do I do it?

I would be extremely grateful for some advice and different perspective, especially from professionals that deal with these things and from people who have gotten through similar situations.

I am available for any further information, if needed.

Thank you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I don't understand, so if you please can clarify the following:

You have cheated several times on your wife. Did the cheating start when you two were dating for 12 years or after your married and had children?

Did she know about the cheating? How did she find out and what did you two do to repair the marriage? Why are you thinking of divorcing now and not the times you cheated?

If you two are not compatible in the sex department, why did you wait all those years and not move on sooner?


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## IronMouse (Apr 28, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> I don't understand, so if you please can clarify the following:
> 
> You have cheated several times on your wife. Did the cheating start when you two were dating for 12 years or after your married and had children?
> 
> ...


I started cheating on her after getting married and having our first kid. After, time after time after time, week after week, month after month, I was rejected. She never found out about my infidelity. I was very careful.

As for attempts to repair the marriage, we have tried to talk things through, many times. Of course, I had to start these conversations each time. She never did.

They never did any good though, as they usually consisted of her telling me how wrong I am in everything I do or don't do, that I am to blame for everything that is wrong with the two of us. These "conversations" usually ended up in new arguments.

Did I manage to answer your questions?

Edit: when we DO have sex, she seems to enjoy herself. She always has an orgasm, and seems genuinely satisfied. Unless she is faking it, but if she does then I cannot notice. So it is an enigma to me why sex is a problem.

I have thought of divorce many times before. I guess I never truly acknowledged the severity of the problem, lived in denial, thought we could make it better..?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Was she more into sex with you before you two had children? Becoming a parent gets problematic for some. The parent hat takes over and the poor partner gets crumbs. You say she doesn't really pay much attention to the kids now though. 

Why not cheat again if you have done it before? Why not come clean that you are getting it outside the marriage because she is not giving it up for you?

The kids are quite young. Can you stay for all those years in a sexless marriage just for the kids? They may not leave the home until they go to college or get married. How long are you willing to wait?


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## IronMouse (Apr 28, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Was she more into sex with you before you two had children? Becoming a parent gets problematic for some. The parent hat takes over and the poor partner gets crumbs. You say she doesn't really pay much attention to the kids now though.
> 
> Why not cheat again if you have done it before? Why not come clean that you are getting it outside the marriage because she is not giving it up for you?
> 
> The kids are quite young. Can you stay for all those years in a sexless marriage just for the kids? They may not leave the home until they go to college or get married. How long are you willing to wait?


When she IS with the kids, she is nice with them. She likes to make stuff with them, cuddle and talk. My wife is not an awful person. But she seldom takes them anywhere, except to kindergarten because I couldn't for a while due to working hours. I take them to their trainings, to the swimming pool, theatre, walks etc. She only likes taking them to her parent's weekend cottage, which I also hate (though the kids like going there) because of the fact I am not really welcome there. I feel almost separated from my kids during those days. And for the fact, of course, that she'd rather spend a day in nature with her parents instead with me and out complete family.

I would tell her about my cheating, but I just know she'd turn that against me and make me look bad in front of the children. I don't want to poison them with our problems.


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

If you cheated, you probably answered your own question. That really restricts your options IMO. 

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward."


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

There are legions of folks on this forum that will answer YES to that question. They don't know what they're talking about. In the absence of physical, emotional, and/or psychological abuse, I'm personally against it. In any case, the decision is up to you. Here's a better question: *What kind of pain are you willing to endure for the sake of your family?* And that goes for anything in life ... it's not about what you want, but what kind of pain you are willing to take for what you want. Does that make sense? Take a look at 10 Reasons Not to Get a Divorce and Divorce is immature and selfish. Don’t do it.. Best wishes.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You two are both broken. Maybe stay together to not hurt anyone else, or gtfo and fix yourselves...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You married a cold calculating fish...who sensed your "ways": knew in her tiny heart, what you were "up to". She knows more than you think.

She gave up on you, gave up on her children {to a sad degree}....gave up on herself; gave up on her life.

She married a wishy-washy cheater. A man who cannot keep vows. A man who watches over his children...but not his own soul.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Divorce her. You got one life. Don't waste it on with a sham of a marriage. You should be with a woman that desires you. That wants your **** in them all the time. 

I was married 8 years. It was 100% sexless in the last 4 years. Somehow got two kids out of it. Left her and found the woman of my dreams. See my kids 50% of the time. Sucks but it's worth it being free and happy. My kids are much happier now too. Just divorce her and move on.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Iron Mouse;

It is often attributed to Einstein, that insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

To answer should you get a divorce? It would depend as to what alternative you are looking for. If the alternative that you want is to be single, then probably as the cheating, lack of intimacy and lack of frequent sex are what single people mostly live with. There are exceptions, but.....

If the alternative you want is a stable marriage, then your cheating, and other past history sort of says you are not ready for marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IronMouse said:


> When she IS with the kids, she is nice with them. She likes to make stuff with them, cuddle and talk. My wife is not an awful person. But she seldom takes them anywhere, except to kindergarten because I couldn't for a while due to working hours. I take them to their trainings, to the swimming pool, theatre, walks etc. She only likes taking them to her parent's weekend cottage, which I also hate (though the kids like going there) because of the fact I am not really welcome there. I feel almost separated from my kids during those days. And for the fact, of course, *that she'd rather spend a day in nature with her parents instead with me and out complete family.*
> 
> I would tell her about my cheating, but I just know she'd turn that against me and make me look bad in front of the children. I don't want to poison them with our problems..


So she does not want to do things with you and your children. 

When was the last time you and she went out together, just the two of you?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Yes, you should. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you need to divorce her. You are not happy, you have cheated... just end it. This is a terrible example for your kids. Since your wife is so checked out of your childrens' lives, there could be a very good chance that you could get custody, I would think. You're doing them no favors by staying with her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Divorce her. You got one life. Don't waste it on with a sham of a marriage. You should be with a woman that desires you. That wants your **** in them all the time.
> 
> I was married 8 years. It was 100% sexless in the last 4 years. Somehow got two kids out of it. Left her and found the woman of my dreams. See my kids 50% of the time. Sucks but it's worth it being free and happy. My kids are much happier now too. Just divorce her and move on.


 @GuyInColorado
Hello Guy.....in colorful rodeo.

Did your wife ever remarry?

Is she dating?

Is she still doing without sex?

I know you do not care. Am curious if she got the message.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No doubt, you should divorce. Own the cheating. You should tell her, btw. Even though she already knows.
You were careful? LOL, I'll bet she knows. She may never admit it, but in her heart, she knows.


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## IronMouse (Apr 28, 2017)

Wow, such different responses. Thank you for them, even though they differ.

I cheated after being rejected so many times, over and over again. I was denied physical and emotional attention. At first I felt guilty. I felt so bad I had problems with my erection with a couple of girls/women. This made me feel even worse. In time, as the situation at home deteriorated further, the guilt stopped. I was able to enjoy myself, if for a short while, in a shallow sense, with other women.

As I said it is not a solution, it is just a temporary fix so that I don't go insane.

I am utterly lost, and cannot tell right from wrong here. But to those telling me I am not ready for a marriage, or tagging me as a cheater by default, try living with a "refrigerator" without sex, "I love you"s, hugs, kisses or affection of any kind. Constant nags, complaints and rules about this and that. I told her how I felt, I told her what I was missing so desperately, tried to find a way, but without love it is impossible.

Once again, thank you for your input.


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## IronMouse (Apr 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> No doubt, you should divorce. Own the cheating. You should tell her, btw. Even though she already knows.
> You were careful? LOL, I'll bet she knows. She may never admit it, but in her heart, she knows.


I do believe you are correct..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to OWN your cheating. Stop blaming your spouse. I dont disagree that your situation was crappy, but you should have ended the marriage instead of soothing yourself with other women. I cheated on my first husband. My marriage also was not worth a damn, but it wasnt HIS fault that I made such a selfish decision, that was all me. Its been a hell of a thing to have to live with, and its never happened since, nor will it. I am afraid that if you move through life with the attitude that its all ok because SHE didnt fulfill your needs, then you are going to cheat in every relationship you have in the future. And that is SO UNFAIR to any future partners.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

IronMouse said:


> But to those telling me I am not ready for a marriage, or tagging me as a cheater by default, try living with a "refrigerator" without sex, "I love you"s, hugs, kisses or affection of any kind. Constant nags, complaints and rules about this and that.


No one thinks you should live with a spouse who treats you like that. But the right thing to do was to confront & then divorce. NOT cheat. That's already done but it's time to do now what you should have done before: confront & then divorce if no change. But now you should start by confessing to your affairs. Own them as YOUR failings in this toxic environment and state honestly how things would need to change for any possible reconciliation. 

It's time to play the man.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Willing to be she much colder because you cheated on her. What is the point of holding exactly? Just for the kids?


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

If you dont' plan to stay faithful. Get a divorce. It's not fair to you or her or the kids.

Not sure how your country handles visitation rights but even if the mother get's custody, as a father you have visitation rights. You can't NOT see your kids. You request a schedule (i.e. every other week, every weekend, or whatever) and both you and her agree. If not, the courts will decide on a schedule.

If you are seeking FULL custody...welll you'd have to really prove why she is unfit to be full time custody too. But always think about what is best for the kids. Shared custody is the best for the kids so they have time to spend with both parents.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

In most cases when a husband asks if he should get a D, then he already knows the answer, he just needs some help in getting used to the idea.

Your "gut" is telling you that this M is a mistake ... its bad, and its not going to get any better. Might as well work at getting your head around the idea of being a divorced Dad and get on with living the rest of your life with someone more compatible.

FWIW, sexless M's are one of the cases where I will give the "shut out" spouse a pass for seeking comfort elsewhere. It's not right, and you should just D and move on before cheating, but I can understand how it could easily happen with the cheating coming first, then the D.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Puny_T-Rex_Arms said:


> There are legions of folks on this forum that will answer YES to that question. They don't know what they're talking about. In the absence of physical, emotional, and/or psychological abuse, I'm personally against it. In any case, the decision is up to you. Here's a better question: *What kind of pain are you willing to endure for the sake of your family?* And that goes for anything in life ... it's not about what you want, but what kind of pain you are willing to take for what you want. Does that make sense? Take a look at 10 Reasons Not to Get a Divorce and Divorce is immature and selfish. Don’t do it.. Best wishes.


LOL. So anyone who doesn't agree with *YOUR* personal belief - that divorce is immature and selfish, and everyone should martyr themselves with a lousy spouse 'for the better of the family unit' - doesn't know what they're talking about? 

Well thank goodness we finally have _*the*_ authority on marriage here amongst all us mere plebeians on TAM. Why, I'm feeling downright _humbled_. I guess we've all been stumbling in the darkness, spewing nonsensical rhetoric at everyone and steering them down the wrong path - but thankfully, you've come to show us the way back into the light. :smnotworthy:

OP, I would suggest you face the fact that you have ONE life and this isn't a dress rehearsal. If you're that completely unhappy, then do something about it. Not sure where you got all that useless drama about scarring your kids for life and them never being able to love anyone if their parents got divorced. Let's not jump the shark, here.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

This is a zombie thread where the OP has not posted in over a year.


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