# Hurtful- Husband refuses sex with me. Too late to fix?



## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

My husband just admitted he can't intimate with me when I discovered he watches porn 2 nights ago. It's beyond hurtful. We were college lovebirds and have been married 8 years. I just had our first baby last month. We haven't had sex since I was 3 months preg, his reason was he didn't want to hurt the baby. So now when I asked him when we can resume our sex life he did not want to answer but after I confronted him, he says he does not have sexual desire with me anymore.

There are 2 things bothering him and I need to admit they are true. 

The first thing is I was depressed, emotionally unstable during the first 3 yrs of marriage and always refused him and most of times I did that as a punishment when I did not get what I wanted him to do. I've learned my lesson because he moved out and we were separated for 8 months before reconciled 4 years ago. We've been to the MC and I'm aware of my controlling issue or what they called power struggles. After we are back together things were better but still not the same before we were married. He never admits his lack of sexual desire with me during the therapy sessions, he just says he's always stressed and tired.

The second thing is that I wanted to have baby but he did not. Last year he was at the level of baby-phobic and I was trying to ignore that and convince him to have unprotected sex everytime. He always refused sex but I reassured him one night that I was close to my period so it's safe but it turned out he got my pregnant that night which was the only sex in like 3 month period. He was extremely angry with me that I tied his hands and forced him to have baby.

Now I've realized I'm still having controlling issue and I want to fix things. He says he loves me and cares for me and baby but he can't have sex with me. He has had it his own way of releasing it for several years and that hurts me badly. I asked him to talk about this with our MC or seek advice from sex therapist he says he does not want to fix it although he says firmly he will not leave me or baby.

I'm having lots of guilt right now and can see why he has become unattracted to me. I love him dearly and am trying to fix my controlling issue. I want my husband and marriage back but is it too late? He told me there are couples that live together without sex and we can be like that too. I told him I can't live like that and I will fix things and respect him. He listened but did not say anything further.

Guys, have you been so chronically pissed or felt disrespected by your wife? What made you forgive her, trust her, or be able to intimate with her again?


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Well, I'm not a guy, but I'm in the same boat only it's me who's said I'm done. My husband and I have had issues throughout our marriage ... he's very LD and we'd only have sex 4 - 5 times/year throughout our 28 year marriage, despite me bringing it up numerous times. He never had an answer as to why. 

I just turned 50 in April and no-one believes I'm that old - so I really don't believe it's a physical attraction issue, though for many years I figured it HAD to be something wrong with me. Why else wouldn't a typical male want to have sex with a warm and willing wife? 

We're in MC now ... have had 4 sessions and have our next one tomorrow ... and in the second one I told him that I don't even WANT sex anymore. I'm so angry and resentful over the past 28 years when it could've been so amazing between us that I don't care if he ever touches me again. I just CANNOT picture myself having sex with him anymore ... or for that matter with anyone else. And I'm angry that he's taken that away from me, since I won't leave my marriage. 

So, yes, I am so chronically bitter and resentful that I will not get past it. I just don't want to ... and I expect to live the rest of my life without sex.

Maybe it's not too late for you and your husband though. You don't have quite as many years of anger and resentment built up as I do so your husband may still come around, especially if you can show him that you really are sorry and that things will be different FROM NOW ON. However, that feeling of betrayal from you getting pregnant may take awhile to go away. Best of luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

it's not that unusual for a new father to feel a little weird about sex. Before the pregnancy, sex wasn't a problem. I think a counselor could help turn this around (if you can get him to go).  He's watched your body change completely and maybe he watched his child's head pop out of his old amusement park. He's had to see you in a completely new way. You've got to help him see you as "lover" instead of "mother" sometimes. Take it slowly, a little cuddling, a little teasing, without pressure. You know where his buttons are and you know how to push them. 
I've been chronically pissed and I've felt disrespected and neglected for sometimes months on end. Even in my very darkest hour, it doesn't take Wife long to get me going. The cure for neglect is pampering and sex.


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## armywife29 (May 17, 2011)

I am new to these forums. I found them because my husband and I are having the same problems. I cant believe it! Anyway, I was the same way in the begining, I was the refuser at times but usually fullfilled him anyway. We have been married 4yrs and have a 13month old. He was also very into porn and it really bothered me at first but I realized it was harmless and he is 100% faithful so it is what it is... We had an amazing sex life until a yr ago he was put on meds for ptsd and has lost the desire to have sex or look at porn. Im in hell... The least he could do is help a little you know. 
Now about tricking him into getting you pregnant, that probably did alot of harm. He expressed that he didnt want a child but you took it into your own hands and did it anyway. Now he is a father and that is huge. I can see where he would be mad. At the same time I can see your side too. The one thing most women want and need in life is a child, and they will do what it takes. 
You are taking the right steps in trying to mend your relationship. He needs to figure out what the hell he needs to do. He cant keep you as a wife but not treat you as one whats that about. He may never truly forgive you or trust you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I doubt these issues over control ever get resolved. Swept under the rug, ignored? Yes. But eliminated, no. Once a control freak and a boss-Nazi always one. After going through endless counselors the wife once blurted out that I needed to get permission from her to go to the bathroom. She wasn't making a joke. That's how the world looks to people like that. Oh they might be able to repress their urges for a while but eventually that old tyrant dictator will emerge again.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think a good idea is to show your husband, outside the bedroom that you are backing off of being the controlling spouse by letting him call some shots.

Start small. The next time you go to dinner, let him decide on the restaurant. Don't offer any suggestions, just get in the passenger seat and tell him to surprise you. When you get there, let him order for you. He knows what you like. Obviously, offer nothing but praise for his choices, like you would a first date. Try little things like that to get both of you comfortable with him leading you.

Maybe buy some lingerie just to wear around the house. Don't try to initiate, just try to get him looking at you. If he does initiate, make the first few times more about him. If he's willing to have intercourse, use condoms.

Go to Married Man Sex Life and buy Athol's book. It's a marriage saver. Read it, and then ask your husband to read it.

It's a big hole that you're digging yourself out of. But, since your husband is committed to staying in the relationship, you have a decent chance.

Good luck.


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## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

Thanks for every tips and support. I'm committed to saving my marriage so I will try to stay right on track. Yes, I have dug a big hole for years including tricking him to having a baby which, at the time, I thought I could make him STAY. He stays, of course, but due to past love and present/future responsibility of our child. I realize my issues now, it's never been clearer and louder. We have been to the councelor during past 4 years so you can see that he is somewhat committed to make our relationship better too. It just, unfortunately, has not worked out.

We adore our couselor and like him so much but I can see now that we can't leave things to the couselor to fix, we need to admit our faults and fix it ourselves too.

I can see that his string has been stretched out max so I will do my very best to respect his resentment and not pressure him to forgive me sooner than he is willing to (which I know it could be hard because I've always been a perfectionist and control freak).

To Run like Dogs, I honestly thank you for pointing out that in most people the control issue cann't really be changed. Your comment could very well be true and that makes me want to make sure I need to fix it hard and make it last if I want my marriage and my man back.


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## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

I have one more question. What's the best way to handle porn stuff? 

When we started talking about the sex issues and he started to open more I asked him gently if he would let me watch porn with him. I cried and confessed to him that I have been watching it alone too. I promised him if he agrees to I would not force him into sex, just want to watch it with him and that's it. He said fine. Now it has been almost a week and he hasn't talked to me about it since. 

Should I ask him nicely again? I want to be honest with him. I want to enjoy watching it with him but at the same time, I don't want to keep asking or pushing him because that's one of my bad controlling behaviors in the past. Or I should ignore it and let him continue watch porn/masturbate alone without telling me? I can try to respect that eventhough it will be very hurtful.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

bonsai said:


> I have one more question. What's the best way to handle porn stuff?


I would simply bring it up nonchalantly. After dinner, suggest the two of you watch porn together. If he balks, don't get mad or upset. Say you'll do it another time and wait a week or so before asking again. I know it will hurt to know he's watching it and masturbating without you. But, that's one of the consequences of your past actions that you need to accept and get through. Hopefully it won't last that long.

If he accepts, just snuggle next to him on the couch and watch. Don't try to initiate sex. Over several sessions, I suggest communicating your arousal in plainer and plainer terms. You could start by talking and, a several sessions later, be masturbating on the couch next to him. You should eventually try to include him by asking which scenes/actresses he likes the most, if he would like to try a certain position/scenario sometime, etc. Perhaps offer to make a personal porno starring you that is specifically geared for him. Afterwards, just give him a kiss and thank him. Remember no pressure.

I think porn is harmful to a marriage. And I understand your being hurt by him watching it. But, I would leave that battle for a time when your relationship is in a much better place. You need to gradually and non-threateningly shift his focus from porn to you. If you can get back to a healthy relationship and sex life, hopefully your husband will be much less interested in porn. If not, you can try to offer yourself as a willing substitute in asking (not threatening or demanding) for him to watch less of it.


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## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

Here is an update, and I need suggestions as well.

First night he was at work until midnight, I texted him about watching porn together but did not say anything further about sex. He texted me back with "LOL, will see if I still have energy left after work". I guess he interpreted my watching porn invitation as having sex. I texted him back, "let's see how you feel, no pressure". He replied "LOL, lots of pressure". When he came home, after shower it was like 1am I asked him gently if he is still interested he said no. I did what I was suggested above - said fine, we'll do it later. Then kissed him at cheek and went to sleep. Calm and neutral.

Two nights in a row later, he also worked late. I believe he did it intentionally to avoid going to bed the same time with me. Fine- I did not bring up anything about watching porn or sex related again after the first night. We did talk casually about things for like 30 min both nights and went to bed together. Good sign, he is opening to me more. He hugged me whole night, kissed me before left to work in the morning. Things are going smoothly. Thanks for all the advices from previous posts.

Here is my question. Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary and he said he has a place picked out already and it will be a surprise. What I'd like to do is ask him what he would like to get such as new lens for camera, etc. There is a great chance he will ask me in return too what I want.

I kinda want to tease him a little like "Can I have real 10-sec kiss with you?" which I read from Athol's book. But, think again, it might not be a great idea as this is sort of "initiation" and "pressuring". 

Do you guys expert have any great teasers/jokes I can play a little? I hope to expedite things a bit but it's ok too if you think I should stay at this pace and wait until he comes around on his own.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I just read your post and have some thoughts. First of all, what you did to him was really horrible, but it sounds like you know that. Have you ever fully expressed how sorry you are to him for being so deceptive? I mean, 100% taking responsibility for everything? I am not suprised that he doesn't want to have sex with you after all you have done. He probably is still angry about all the stuff you pulled and it will take a while for him to work it out. And he can really only work it out if 1) you are truly remorseful for what you did and have expressed that without making any excuses 2) can show him consistently that you have made important changes to your controlling ways.

I also think you need individual counseling for yourself because if your issues are so large that you used sex as a weapon for 3 years and tricked your husband into having a baby when he said he didn't want one, you really need intense help that a marriage counselor cannot provide. It also sounds like you are not making much progress with your MC, so I would look for someone new. There are many mediocre therapists and it takes a while to find a good one. Psychologists are a much better option than other types of therapists because they have more extensive training.

You treated your husband in a way that gave him the message that you care nothing for his wants and needs. It will take a long while to fix this. Get some therapy for yourself because this is really your issue and MC is not the place to solve this. Good luck!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would just like to add: you are again controlling the situation through your tactics to get him to sleep with you. You already know what the serious issues are. Show him you care about HIM and HIS needs by getthing therapy so you can address YOUR issues. Stop wasting your time playing games to get him to sleep with you. That is just showing him you are only thinking about YOUR needs yet again.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think that ship has hit the rocks. OP admits to being a control freak, who, when she doesn't get her way, tricks her husband into getting her way. Everything is controlled by what she and she alone wants and needs. I don't think OP wants a husband or a father or a lover. I think she wants staff.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

bonsai said:


> Here is my question. Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary and he said he has a place picked out already and it will be a surprise. What I'd like to do is ask him what he would like to get such as new lens for camera, etc. There is a great chance he will ask me in return too what I want.
> 
> I kinda want to tease him a little like "Can I have real 10-sec kiss with you?" which I read from Athol's book. But, think again, it might not be a great idea as this is sort of "initiation" and "pressuring".


I think it will depend. You have said that he is being affectionate. I don't know if a 10-second kiss is pushing his boundaries too much or not. You'll have to gauge that.

One idea to frame your request in relationship terms and not sexual terms is, when he asks what you want, tell him you would like one 10-second kiss from him every day for a month. You can reassure him that it's not about sex. Offer it in a public place so he knows you're not expecting a direct progression to sex. The TSK needs that kind of daily application to be effective anyway. If he balks, so be it. Tell him you'll take 5-second kisses, whatever he's up for.



bonsai said:


> Do you guys expert have any great teasers/jokes I can play a little? I hope to expedite things a bit but it's ok too if you think I should stay at this pace and wait until he comes around on his own.


I think you need to focus on staying the course. Remember, you are playing off his lead. You need to communicate that you are willing and available, but that he is in charge of your sex life for the foreseeable future. If he initiates tonight, and there's a decent chance he will since he's planned a nice evening, then great. Remember the condoms. If it takes him a month or more, then when he does he will feel ready to take that step.

Wear lingerie around the house and to bed not because lingerie might spark his interest in sex. Wear it because that's just what you wear from now on. If it sparks his interest, and it should, then that is a welcome side effect of your being a better wife and better lover (more sexy, less controlling). Remember, this is not about manipulation, this is about changing your personality and relationship and communicating that change to your husband.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> I would just like to add: you are again controlling the situation through your tactics to get him to sleep with you. You already know what the serious issues are. Show him you care about HIM and HIS needs by getthing therapy so you can address YOUR issues. Stop wasting your time playing games to get him to sleep with you. That is just showing him you are only thinking about YOUR needs yet again.


How can a person control someone else by not controlling them? The OP has asked for help in backing off of her controlling tactics. I agree that individual counseling may help. But a therapy bill isn't going to make the husband feel any better. The OP's actions toward her husband, specifically more loving, demure, and less controlling actions are how she will prove that she has turned a new leaf. She should get therapy only if it helps facilitate that change.

The husband will likely be cynical at first and expect that a game is being played. And he should. But the longer the OP can keep it up, the more likely she will permanently change her marriage and the more likely her husband will accept the change as genuine.


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## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I would just like to add: you are again controlling the situation through your tactics to get him to sleep with you. That is just showing him you are only thinking about YOUR needs yet again.





Runs like Dog said:


> I don't think OP wants a husband or a father or a lover. I think she wants staff.


Thanks for pointing out. After all I'm still a used-to-be-evil-now-practicing-saint human being. Waiting patiently without expectation while staying this course would be ideal but that's not gonna happen like flipping a switch. That's why I'm here in this forum seeking advices and opinions. I'm trying as hard as I possibly can and I'm committed to this. I hope some of you get my point and listen to my cry for help.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

My point is that when people have controlling behaviors as severe as this poster, it is highly unlikely that she will be able to change these behaviors permanently without help from a specialist. The behaviors she described are *really *serious issues. They don't just go away because a person wills them to. 

So focusing on how to get her husband to sleep with her really should be the last thing she should be focusing on. She should be getting herself mentally healthy so that her husband CAN trust her. It's all about her and what she wants right now (narcissists think like that). 

And her husband has been burned so much in the past, it is going to take more than some sexy lingerie and porno to get him to trust her again. She needs to make substantive changes, not superficial ones.


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## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> My point is that when people have controlling behaviors as severe as this poster, it is highly unlikely that she will be able to change these behaviors permanently without help from a specialist.
> 
> She needs to make substantive changes, not superficial ones.


OK, I heard your point. Loud and clear.

Seeking individual therapy is not one of the top options right now due to financial reason and time management. I can possibly do it when my child is a few months older but not at this very moment. Do you have any useful suggestions otherwise?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> My point is that when people have controlling behaviors as severe as this poster, it is highly unlikely that she will be able to change these behaviors permanently without help from a specialist. The behaviors she described are *really *serious issues. They don't just go away because a person wills them to.


I agree that the behaviors are serious. And outside help may be beneficial. But it's not a given. The OP wasn't controlling because the voices in her head told her to be.



Laurae1967 said:


> So focusing on how to get her husband to sleep with her really should be the last thing she should be focusing on. She should be getting herself mentally healthy so that her husband CAN trust her. It's all about her and what she wants right now (narcissists think like that).


What mental health professional would advise a patient NOT to implement healthy changes in a relationship? I agree that she should not try to manipulate her husband into sleeping with her, although I'm still confused regarding how laying back and not using pressure or manipulation is actually manipulative. The fact is, the "fake it 'till you make it" strategy works. You can feel stupid giving your spouse a 10-second kiss at first. The 100th time you give your spouse a TSK, it's just how you kiss your spouse. It becomes normal for you. Without therapy.



Laurae1967 said:


> And her husband has been burned so much in the past, it is going to take more than some sexy lingerie and porno to get him to trust her again. She needs to make substantive changes, not superficial ones.


That's true. But substantive changes often start as superficial ones. It's called successive approximations. You can turn the inertia of the relationship from negative to positive. That doesn't mean every action from here on will be perfectly positive. But, if the OP is sincere about considering her husband's wants and needs in the marriage in the future, her actions will naturally become more considerate and loving over time.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I just find it interesting that instead of looking for advice on how to repair the damage she's done to her marriage, she's focusing on how to get her husband to have sex with her. To me, this sounds like she's still only focused on her wants and needs and perhaps isn't fully aware just how damaging her previous actions have been and just how difficult it will be to restore trust.

I guess the bottom line is that I am suggesting that she focus on earning her husband's trust through treating him with respect, honoring his wants and needs and giving them equal weight to her needs, especially while she tries to repair the damage she's caused her marriage. 

I'm sorry that I'm not giving simple advice, like kiss your hubby for 10 seconds, but I don't think that is going to do the trick in and of itself. But people often want an easy solution, which is understandable.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> I just find it interesting that instead of looking for advice on how to repair the damage she's done to her marriage, she's focusing on how to get her husband to have sex with her. To me, this sounds like she's still only focused on her wants and needs and perhaps isn't fully aware just how damaging her previous actions have been and just how difficult it will be to restore trust.


I think she has realized how hurtful her actions were. And I think that she realizes that living in a sexless marriage, even though her husband has stated he wants it, is an untenable situation for both parties. Marriages need sex. Even bad marriages need sex.



Laurae1967 said:


> I guess the bottom line is that I am suggesting that she focus on earning her husband's trust through treating him with respect, honoring his wants and needs and giving them equal weight to her needs, especially while she tries to repair the damage she's caused her marriage.
> 
> I'm sorry that I'm not giving simple advice, like kiss your hubby for 10 seconds, but I don't think that is going to do the trick in and of itself. But people often want an easy solution, which is understandable.


You may not know that complex problems sometimes have simple solutions. As a husband, if I had a choice between sex and a therapy bill, I would choose sex. And in this case, the husband will only initiate sex when he feels the OP is treating him respectfully and giving his wants and needs equal weight (or more) to hers.

The bottom line, which I think we both agree on, is that the OP will have a better marriage when she becomes a better person (and adequately communicates that to her husband). I just don't think you necessarily have to pay a therapist to talk about your inner child to become a better person. Often, you can become a better person by acting like a better person until your act becomes natural (fake it 'till you make it).


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I agree with everything you are saying, PHT, regarding the importance of sex in marriage. And there are plenty of people who don't need therapy. But there are plenty of people who DO need a lot of therapy. 

My husband and I have both benefited greatly from therapy. We have a strong marriage in spite of having difficult childhoods. But we needed therapy to get there. You keep saying "therapy bill" which makes me wonder if you view therapy as a scam or rip-off or something.

I will say this - if screwing your wife can solve your problems, more power to you! But for some of us, we need therapy. 

There are many lousy therapists out there, but if you find a good one, they can be a real life-changer. Worth every penny!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm saying therapy bill because the husband won't be in the individual sessions with his wife, so any potential benefit to him would be indirect. And what most husbands want is a respectful, considerate, sexual wife. I don't see therapy as a scam, but I recognize that it could harm a relationship as easily as helping it. Also, the OP has stated that individual therapy isn't an option for financial and practical reasons. So, I think alternative suggestions are in order.

For the record, my wife and I spent about 5 or 6 sessions with a marriage counselor. I don't know if it was extremely beneficial, but I do think it was a positive experience. However, some studies estimate that many more couples are harmed by counseling than helped by it. So, I think it may be a better last resort than first.

The OP's husband wants her to be more respectful, considerate, and less controlling. The OP would like sex. I suspect the OP's husband would like sex as well, but is resentful and withholding it as punishment. So if the OP can be more respectful, considerate, and less controlling without professional supervision, why not try that? And if that behavior results in sexual attraction from the husband, which I suspect it will, everybody wins!


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## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

Well, our anniversary night went ok. We had casual dinner and walked on the nearby beach together for few minutes. After few moments, we started talking about the baby-related stuff, that our baby is cute, etc etc. At that point, I felt very guilty so I told him I was truly sorry that I did not listen to him enough that he wasn't ready for the baby and now he is a father. That was a selfish me and I regret that deeply. He said calmly that the baby is probably meant to be born to us and that's why she is here. He also said firmly that he will not leave me, divorce me, be with another woman and we will live together until death do us apart because now we have to raise our child together. About things between us, he said the ship has diverted slowly and steadily from its course over the past 8 years. He's lived this kind of life for a big while so he doesn't know when he'll be able to trust me again. For example, there were several things he kept from me to avoid the conflicts and fights and some of those will continue for time being. I told him I understand why he did that and I will try to prove to him that I do really want to change ME not HIM so that I can gain his trust back overtime. There are thousand things that I could have done differently and I'm truly sorry that I did not think about them at the time and that he was hurt all the time. I also asked him to help warn me when I start reacting like a control freak again because I do want to change and I need his help. He listened but didn’t say anything further.

I did not ask him about 10-sec kiss as I did not feel he was totally up for it yet and I didn't want to shake his protection shields. Nor did I bring up the intimacy, sex or porn stuff with him. I want him to see that I'm trying to change my behavior to fix our relationship not to win over him. He hasn't said anything about those either and that’s what I expected.

These past few days we start talking more and more although I still feel that conversation is not completely natural yet. He is obviously analyzing my reactions, answers to his questions carefully. I can live with that. That’s not hard at all.

The hardest part for me though is to be able to trust him. What I mean by "trust" is that at night when he stayed until 2am downstairs in his office with his computer I couldn't help but thinking whether he was watching porn again. I know part of it he is avoiding going to bed the same time with me. OK it's a stupid idea of me because if he is not ready to sleep with me yet so he would need to masturbate anyway, either with or without porn and I should accept that because I've made him become this way, right? 

Last night I went to bed 1030 with the baby but could not sleep. I was thinking hard whether I should let him know about my feeling or not. Around 1am I decided to go downstairs to his office with my heart pounding. He was browsing the net. I asked him gently if he can come to bed with me because I want to hug him. Also asked him if I did anything wrong so he didn’t want to come to bed early even though I know he was tired. He said he was checking his work for tomorrow and doing this, doing that. I asked his if that was too much of a request, he told me he will try but obviously he can’t come to bed at the same time with me every night. He has stress from work, from baby, etc. Then he vented about wanting to play online games but he was too tired to play.

I know things are getting better slowwwwwly and that’s good. This morning he asked me to give him a back rub and pick his goose bumps skin on the arms (he loves it) so I feel really good that he wants me to do that again. I just hate myself for not letting the porn issue go. I guess, you miss it when you can’t have it.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like you did a GREAT job with your husband. You recognized he wasn't up for kissing, etc. and you respected that. He will take note of that. 

You are in tricky territory. You betrayed his trust in several ways -through withholding sex and tricking him into having a baby. You need to work to build that trust.

At the same time, he also has to be willing to do HIS part to make the marriage better. That means being honest with you. It sounds like in the past he kept stuff from you for fear of how you would react. But if you are showing him you can be trusted not to freak out or be controlling, he needs to be brave enough to open up to you. And him staying up late on the computer every night is a bad habit. 

Just keep showing him you respect him and his needs. And keep telling him about your needs, but do it in a way that will not feel pressuring, threatening or controlling. Some things in marriage need to be negotiated.

Keep up the good work! 

And when you have time/money, I do think IC or MC would be great for you both if you can find a good person.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

The PORN discussion again.

And men defending it's use - again.

They fail to see how destructive it is to their relationships.

And it appears they never will.


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## bonsai (May 19, 2011)

Herrr, it's been a week since I asked him about watching porn together. Initially he said maybe, then at bedtime he said no. I said fine, we'll do this later. I did it in neutral tone as suggested.

My question is, I would like to ask him again tonight because I want him to know that I'm available whenever he is. I also want to clarify to him that my intention is to watch it with him and that I don't need him to have sex with me tonight. The reason why I'm not sure about this is, he hasn't brought up this with me at all but it seems to me like he is trying (or pretending, I can't tell) to be affectionate sometimes by kissing my cheeks, grabbing my booty, blowing me a kiss across the room. This is not consistent though. He can still be tense or quiet every now and again.

Would another request in a week be too demanding? I'm just afraid right now. I've been a NEW ME for a week now and I don't want to mess that up by being "too demanding". But again, I want to send him a message how I feel.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

bonsai said:


> I have one more question. What's the best way to handle porn stuff?
> 
> When we started talking about the sex issues and he started to open more I asked him gently if he would let me watch porn with him. I cried and confessed to him that I have been watching it alone too. I promised him if he agrees to I would not force him into sex, just want to watch it with him and that's it. He said fine. Now it has been almost a week and he hasn't talked to me about it since.


He is just humoring you to get you off his back. A lot of women make the mistake, when their husband is heavily into porn and partner sex slows or stops, of suggesting they watch together. Women don't understand that when a man begins to prefer porn over partner sex it is not just the porn he likes it is solo sex itself. 

For many men the orgasms achieved through masturbation and porn are much more intense than with marital sex. There is also the unlimited variety and sometimes a love of watching sex acts his wife might find objectionable.

The point being that for most men porn time is me time and having their wives join them would ruin the experience. In other words having her there would kill the fantasy and it's the fantasy that is the main reason he enjoys the porn in the first place.

That being said there are couples who watch porn together but in most cases they are still hot for each other and just use the porn to get warmed up. 

The last thing a man who prefers porn to sex with his wife wants is his wife there watching with him. After all his is not a general sexual desire problem (if it was he wouldn't be watching porn and masturbating either) rather it is a problem of his not having enough sexual desire for his wife.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

OP, in your situation, if it is only since the first Trimester, I would think he is having issues because he now sees you as a mother rather than a sexual being. You may need to, when you can, have an overnight away in a hotel, get out the lingerie, even watch the porn together and show him you are sexual. I know that the porn can hurt because he is choosing it over you and he was hiding but give it a try as I mentioned above.


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## marriedinnh (Mar 25, 2012)

I think she's got a unique situation here. She's done several deeply wounding things to him and over a long period of time. Though, I certainly applaud her attempts to turn things around. That said, I don't think you can judge this guy by the same standards you might judge most men. Because his experience has been very different from most men's.

Switch the roles for a moment and assume it was the husband who'd done the hurtful things and that it was the wife who was feeling understandably resentful. If it appeared that she was so resentful and not wanting to have sex with her husband, that would make sense, right? Even if she'd stated that she'd stay in the marriage and try to make it work. Even if she still had a sex drive but preferred to satisfy that drive by masturbating. 

Men aren't just meat, we can carry that same resentments and it can go just as deep. Which is why I wouldn't say he's choosing solo sex over partnered sex. He may not feel as though he's got a partner he wants sex with. And he may not for a while. 

Speaking for myself, I use porn when my wife's not available. I'd love it if she were more available or turned on by watching it with me. But I just wish her sex drive was a bit stronger. She's never done anything as wounding to me as happened the poster's husband. I'm honestly amazed he's been so patient and committed.




Mr B said:


> He is just humoring you to get you off his back. A lot of women make the mistake, when their husband is heavily into porn and partner sex slows or stops, of suggesting they watch together. Women don't understand that when a man begins to prefer porn over partner sex it is not just the porn he likes it is solo sex itself.
> 
> For many men the orgasms achieved through masturbation and porn are much more intense than with marital sex. There is also the unlimited variety and sometimes a love of watching sex acts his wife might find objectionable.
> 
> ...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

bonsai said:


> .
> 
> Guys, have you been so chronically pissed or felt disrespected by your wife? What made you forgive her, trust her, or be able to intimate with her again?


You're in for a long haul.
Nothing can change his feelings towards you but time and that may not be enough.

You messed up bad.

He essentially has to be willing to completely forgive you manipulating him for years.

That's a very tall order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> The PORN discussion again.
> 
> And men defending it's use - again.
> 
> ...


apparently a lot of people refuse to see a lot of things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedinnh (Mar 25, 2012)

It would be too demanding. Keep working on yourself and give him some space. You can't fix 8 years in a week. I'd guess he's got quite a bit of resentment built up. And I would imagine that talking about sex and asking for sex just stirs those feelings up for him. I would think you really need to back right off and try to work on developing a stronger connection to him in ways that are not sexual. 

I say this as a high sex drive guy with a low sex drive wife. Though our problems are not as complicated as yours. I would be pushy about sex, because I wanted it. Unfortunately, I've just ended up pushing her away and turning her off more. So, I've been trying to follow my own advice and connect outside the bedroom in the hopes that better sex will follow at some point down the road.




bonsai said:


> Would another request in a week be too demanding? I'm just afraid right now. I've been a NEW ME for a week now and I don't want to mess that up by being "too demanding". But again, I want to send him a message how I feel.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Let me be clear I will be harsh. U don't have to read this.
Let me also be clear I am a wife with kids. I love kids. 
Having said that, if I were ur H, it would take me a long, long time to get over what u did. Maybe never.
Ur H is a good man doing what he should do. It is a man's honor to promise u he will never leave because now there is a child. His child. Even he was not ready and willing, he wants the child to have Dad around. I would do the same thing. 
But I would not trust the woman that tricked me. And sex was what got me stuck here now. Why would I want to repeat this act? It would be repulsive and bring back all memories. I would much rather watch porn. 
My advice is to stop all these efforts to bring his sexual feelings back for u. Tell him u are sorry and really wish he would be with u but u would wait. Frankly, wanting to WATCH PORN WITH HIM is such a bad idea. Please leave him alone.
Ur story almost sounds like some badly written soap, and in these the man often finds true love later with a woman who is not controlling. 
I have no idea why anyone would think a child is a good way to keep the marriage intact. What bothers me the most is the unfairness to these CHILDREN. When the marriage gets in trouble later, the children will suffer. They should not have been brought to this world for that purpose. They are not "weapons" or bargaining chips. If the decision of having a baby is not a consensus, then the woman or man can go to a fertility clinic and rely on technology(and choose to raise the kid as a single parent, which is legit in today's society). Tricking a spouse is very low.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Oops, how did it get dug up....thanks for the reminder. Missed 3 min of food network over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeishere327 (Apr 11, 2012)

I agree with Laurie1967 and others who said you tried to control but you don’t have to be sorry. That’s what you wanted out of him and you don’t have to apologize for being a human being. You have wants and desires and it’s okay and natural to desire or want your husband. It’s fine to do that, he’s your husband after all. 

And yes I learned that being in a relationship is hard sometimes as it needs to be a compromise like a give or take. 

Good luck and I’m sorry this happened. Buck up, though since it’s not the end of the world! Think positive!


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