# Trying my best to cope (sorry for the length)....



## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Well, I'm new to this forum and I needed a second place to talk/vent for quite a while. With that said, again, I apologize for the short novel. Here's my story...

This started out a little over a year ago when my wife 'discovered' a former flame of hers on Facebook. We openly discussed our past before and although I didn't personally know the guy, I knew that the two of them had hooked up years before we met. She knew that I wouldn't be at all comfortable with the two of them meeting alone (and neither would his wife) so he invited us to a family cookout of his. I didn't want to go for obvious reasons but some how, some way, she talked me into bringing the family along; BIG MISTAKE. 

Although nothing came about from the cookout, I knew that the sparks may have been rekindled and even warned my wife about what could end up happening if they were to continue talking and/or texting. She basically gave me the Heisman pose as if I didn't know what I was talking about. Besides, he lived out of state, hundreds of miles away. What could possibly happen?

Well, I began to notice that she started taking her phone everywhere she went. I also noticed that the phone would sound off to indicate a text message late at night. Again, I told her about my concerns and she shrugged them off. 

Well, late one night, she made the mistake of leaving her phone on the bed while she took a shower when I was laying there. Curious, I picked up the phone only to discover a picture of his 'nether regions' along with texts and e-mails of the two of them thanking each other for their 'meeting' last month. Safe to say, I was p/o'ed beyond imagination and after silently cooling down over the next few days, I confronted her on the info that I had forwarded over to my address. She played it off by stating that the two of them had gone too far but nothing physical had happened. Of course, the story doesn't end there as the two of them kept texting one another and basically calling me paranoid.

A few months later, we go out of town on vacation. After dinner, while I'm bathing the kids, she decides to take the van and drive around town to see the sights. Of course, I want to know why a person who never visited this city in her life before would want to go alone. She convinces me that she'll be back in a few minutes. Safe to say, she returns a few HOURS later. I'm thinking the same thing you are at this point (secret rendevzous) but she's telling me how she got lost on the way back. Right.

Unbeknownest to her, I had access to her Yahoo account and a couple of weeks later, I discover e-mails describing their 'encounter' along with plans to hook up again at her parent's house when they're out of town (he was supposed to be in town for a family reunion). But when she cancels because of appointment she forgot about, I knew I had to get someone else involved; his wife. Let's just say that after finding her info and sending her the texts/pics/e-mails, the both of them confessed the entire thing to us with plans of not communicating anymore.

But as you can tell, I'm not satisfied by any means. It's one thing to have a fling or a one-night stand; one too many Tequilas can take you there. But to have a cross-country affair, lie about it after getting found out, do it again, lie about it after getting found out again, only to make plans for a third tilt-a-whirl is about as bad as it gets. And the fact that I spent a week out of town, on my dime, on personal leave I spent over a year building, only to have brought them together for a booty call make my blood boil over in an anger I find really hard to control when I really think about it.

While under most circumstances, I would've been left, I have two small children to consider, which is one of the main reasons why I haven't. From having grown up with parents who messed around on one another, I don't want them growing up in a fractured household, wondering why Daddy left home (she owns the house). 

While I can forgive, I can hardly ever forget. She talks about wanting me to forgive her but all she brings up in conversations with our counselor is my faults. While I'm not the perfect husband or father, I really don't think I did anything bad enough to deserve all of this. And while I'm willing to forgive, there's something inside me that wants to enact the same thing on her, so that she could feel the same kind of pain I'm going through because I really doubt that she has any idea what she's done.

What to do? How to cope? I'm all ears....


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

The first thing is this: Are you sure contact with the other person has ended? If not, or if you have any doubts, you need to make sure this happens first. I was told this and now know it to be true: as long as contact remains, no work can be done on your marriage.

Second, whatever you do, don't "return the favor" or "get revenge" in any way. It will only make things worse.

I know you say it started a year ago, but when did it get to the point of the e-mails and you calling the other man's wife?

It sounds as if maybe the counselor you are seeing maybe doesn't know the whole story? I would say it's pretty important to get everything out on the table. Your wife trying to convince you of your own "paranoia" when this was going on is very typical. The same thing happened to me, and I let it go on so long that I'm just now starting to see the light of day. The most important thing you can know is this: While you may have faults of your own that made your wife feel it was ok to go down this path, it is NOT your fault if she decided to commit adultery. That burden should be shouldered by her.

Just focus on being a better person, father, and husband. I know it sounds hard and typical, but it's true. It will take time to heal and will take time for you to move forward. One thing many people forget is that while you may forgive her, it doesn't mean you automatically go back to trusting her. The family of a murder victim may forgive the murderer, but it would be foolish to believe they want to see him released from prison!

Your point about the difference between a full-fledged affair and a one night stand is very valid. Many wayward spouses don't understand the damage they are inflicting. When I told my wife that her emotional affair (wasn't physical at the time) was hurting me much more than a one night stand ever could, she seemed taken aback that I could say such a thing. It made no sense to her.

Just continue to post your thoughts and experiences here. There are a lot of people who will be in your corner and willing to support you through this.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

As long as she continues to blame shift, there will be no healing.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I haven't seen any of his phone numbers pop up on her cellphone log since I'm pretty sure his wife is also looking in as well. She was totally oblivious to what was going on but dotted enough 'i's and crossed enough 't's for the both of us to be on high alert. But she (my wife) has her cellphone and e-mail accounts password-protected. So its safe to say that I trust her as far as I can hip-toss her at this point.

I know one thing; if I catch wind of another rendezvous in the works or another 82 minute phone conversation with him, I'm done. It's one thing to have an affair and get caught but it's another to have an affair, get caught, promise to cut things off only to do it again, get caught again, only to...well, you get the point. At this point, all I hear from her is what I'm not doing enough and/or what I'm not physically able to do in the bedroom compared to him. In fact, the frequency of us getting it on actually went DOWN compared to how it was before they were found out, which makes no sense considering that she teaches school and was out for the summer. 

I know I have my own issues to deal with but one thing I do know is that I cannot be him. I can only be the best me I can be and that's it. If that's not enough for her, well, I'll have no other choice but to start over from scratch...


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Simon Phoenix said:


> I haven't seen any of his phone numbers pop up on her cellphone log since I'm pretty sure his wife is also looking in as well. She was totally oblivious to what was going on but dotted enough 'i's and crossed enough 't's for the both of us to be on high alert. But she (my wife) has her cellphone and e-mail accounts password-protected. So its safe to say that I trust her as far as I can hip-toss her at this point.
> 
> I know one thing; if I catch wind of another rendezvous in the works or another 82 minute phone conversation with him, I'm done. It's one thing to have an affair and get caught but it's another to have an affair, get caught, promise to cut things off only to do it again, get caught again, only to...well, you get the point. At this point, all I hear from her is what I'm not doing enough and/or what I'm not physically able to do in the bedroom compared to him. In fact, the frequency of us getting it on actually went DOWN compared to how it was before they were found out, which makes no sense considering that she teaches school and was out for the summer.
> 
> I know I have my own issues to deal with but one thing I do know is that I cannot be him. I can only be the best me I can be and that's it. If that's not enough for her, well, I'll have no other choice but to start over from scratch...


Simon,

I am not trying to be hurtful but you need to hear this, you need to kick her to the curb! I mean, not only does she cheat but she tells you that you aren't bringing it like the dude that she should have never cheated with in the first place?!? I don't know what (if anything) you could have done to have this happen but please be clear, she does not respect you at all. I firmly believe that it is never to late to stand up and be a man. Now, maybe you can't be the man that she wants but I would bet that you would be perfect for someone else.

I do not have kids so I cannot really know how you must feel about leaving and having them have to deal with that. However, I can imagine. But still, if you are willing to leave if you find out about another meeting in the works then you have that option on the table already. My recommendation, execute that option and start healing.


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## youradvocate (Aug 10, 2010)

Hi Simon!

First of all, please understand that a marriage wihtout principle it's just a journey without destination.

If your wife is blaming you for her wrong doings, this simply means that she ready to do it again if chances are offered, be it with the same guy or with any other person.

The best thing to do is for you to stop being the woman, and start making some rules in the house. A women will only behave this if she find you weak enough to react.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Thanks, I probably needed that. Enough with being the victim, I have much more value than that. If she doesn't want me around, I'll find someone who will....


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## panafedin (Aug 2, 2010)

Simon,

Not sure if you actually live in PHX, but I do. Sure is hot as blazes, isn't it?

I'm realtively new here, but after reading this thread have to agree with Orion. This cycle has gone on too many times. Thinking a little more as I type, I guess I would back off Orion's position and second what you stated your position was going to be: one more thing, even one, and that's it.

Make sure she knows this boundary in advance, clearly. One more, and it's over.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Oh, I made my position quite clear to her; if I even catch wind of the two of them hooking up (or anyone else for that matter), it's done. She's on thin ice as it is right now. The only reason I haven't packed already is because of my little girls; other than that, it would've been the wrap months ago...


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## panafedin (Aug 2, 2010)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Oh, I made my position quite clear to her; if I even catch wind of the two of them hooking up (or anyone else for that matter), it's done. She's on thin ice as it is right now. The only reason I haven't packed already is because of my little girls; other than that, it would've been the wrap months ago...


Well I applaud you for hanging in there. It is a very honorable thing to have such deep consideration for your precious daughters. The relationship they have with their father, in some ways, will serve as a template for every romantic relationship they ever have. 

Stay strong, brother, and know that we are here to support you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you've already clocked out and only staying for the kids, don't. You 2 might stay together but it'll be an empty relationship. Never, ever stay together just for the kids. Yes it'll be hard on the kids but it'll be for the best. Better a clean break then seeing mom and dad's relationship slowly die and wither before their eyes.

Those things leave a lasting impression with kids. Only stay together if you really, REALLY want to work on the marriage and are willing to forgive her IF she wants to work on the marriage.

If deep down you know you could never forgive her and only are willing to stay with her, even if she changes, for the kids then I would recommend moving on.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Simon Phoenix said:


> At this point, all I hear from her is what I'm not doing enough and/or what I'm not physically able to do in the bedroom compared to him.


That is utter contempt she has for you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

like the other say. She has contempt for you. She is still not being transparent. You seriously need to kick her out. The way she berates you about sex and compares you to the POSOM, you seriously need to lose her. Cut off all finances and credit cards. File for divorce and go find that someone who will love you faithfully. Let her experience single motherhood, I hear its a blast.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 
so sorry you find yourself here and I'm sure you are filled with a great deal of different emotions.....
it's hard enough to find out about a spouses affair but twice as hard when they do what she is doing to you......comparing.....she is very hurtful and is not showing any respect for you at this point......she is in affair fog when it comes to her thinking.....
You already know that she didn't respect you or your marriage vows by having an affair, this was her decision alone and nothing you did made her make that decision. Do not ever take any responsibility for that......
I would say you need to read this site and figure out what your plan may be to recover your marriage if that is what you want.
There are a lot of people here that have lived through what are you right now with a lot of good advice. 
Recovery of Divorce there are steps to be taken in order to come to some solution..
You have daughters to consider in this, so take some time, figure out what you want and then have a smart plan in place.
Take it slow, work out your feelings, at first I went with gut instinct because that is all I had.....
It's hard to put a marriage back together after an affair, but I think the marriage can be better in the end with the work by both partners.
But I think if you have to put up with disrespect and dishonesty then that might be to big a price to pay......
You and the girls will survive this, stay close, keep busy and work on being a better you and the best dad you can be.....
Just because your wife is making decisions that don't protect you or your girls doesn't mean you can't step up to the plate.
good luck with your decisions


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Well, thanks for the advise. I'm going to take some time and seriously think whether this is worth staying around for. It's very difficult to stay in a relationship where you have less than zero trust for the other person. I'd rather have a woman who really wants to be with me, not looking at me while silently wishing she could be in the arms of a former flame from years gone by. If I had done the same thing she did to me, she would've had my bags packed months ago. Besides, who wants to be someone else's bronze medal?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I do'nt know how young your duaghters are, but did you just show them it was ok for spouses to cheat?


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