# Men...the Olive Branch...what do you think?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

A serious and ongoing dispute goes on about finances with hubby and I-- the brunt of it is my 16 year old daughters horse. We argue about it frequently and admittedly it does do a number on our budget. 

We have different comfort threshholds on living on the financial edge, debt etc. While it doesn't bother me to have a little credit card debt and to have to sort of be really frugal with our money closer to pay day...it seems to really stress him out. Believe me, we are not going belly up...but he seems to feel the need for more breathing room than I do. 

We had always had an agreement with our daugther that we were selling the horse when she graduates high school. Today, we got a huge medical bill for one of our other daughters and we have already ran out the $5000 maximum in our FSA-- yes she had some major medical bills this year. DH was really grumpy about this where I was like, oh well, we will make payments. 

Anyway, after reading here alot, I got to thinking that he must feel run over on this issue...like I just don't care how he feels...and it isn't that I don't care, it is just, it has been important for me to do this for my kid-- and I guess from his POV I am probably wielding my power of being the one who makes the money (and maybe I am )

So, I was thinking, horse show season is summer, so maybe I should acknowledge to him his worry, and suggest that maybe we move up the sale of the horse to this fall rather than next Spring...maybe we could even 1/2 lease a horse for her for the school year-- much much much cheaper, so she can still ride (she is trying to get on a college riding team).

Maybe a compromise such as this can make everyone happy and maybe just maybe it will show dh I really do care about how he feels. 

What do you guys think?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Or tell the 16 year old she needs a job to pay for the horse ... important life lesson. Win/win/win


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

mommy22 said:


> :iagree::iagree:


Not even remotely realistic....the horses expenses run way beyond the ability of even the most diligent teenager to pay--- it is astronomically expensive. (Probably costs us $20,000 a year all told)


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> A serious and ongoing dispute goes on about finances with hubby and I-- the brunt of it is my 16 year old daughters horse. We argue about it frequently and admittedly it does do a number on our budget.
> 
> We have different comfort threshholds on living on the financial edge, debt etc. While it doesn't bother me to have a little credit card debt and to have to sort of be really frugal with our money closer to pay day...it seems to really stress him out. Believe me, we are not going belly up...but he seems to feel the need for more breathing room than I do.
> 
> ...


If you take that approach you’ll be giving him the solution. Right? “I’ve thought it all out, here’s the solution”. Am I wrong?

And I thought you were a high earner and on from there you would know all about motivating, team leading.

“What challenges, opportunities for improvement do we have? (Gets joint ownership of the problems). “What solutions are there? (Gets joint ownership of solutions)”.

You know joint marriage problem discussion and solving. Working as a team!!!

But I guess you’re just not there. Yet?

Bob


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

AFEH said:


> If you take that approach you’ll be giving him the solution. Right? “I’ve thought it all out, here’s the solution”. Am I wrong?
> 
> And I thought you were a high earner and on from there you would know all about motivating, team leading.
> 
> ...



Well I would present it as an idea to start discussion--- his solution was sell the horse now. That has put us as I say no and he says yes and nothing in between...I thought I was moving toward his way.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Not even remotely realistic....the horses expenses run way beyond the ability of even the most diligent teenager to pay--- it is astronomically expensive. (Probably costs us $20,000 a year all told)


But would it be realistic for her to contribute something back to the family finances? Even if she doesn't pay the entire amount, it lessens the hit.

$20,000/year when you're living on a financial edge is a considerable chunk of change, I'd say. $1600/month... I can see why your husband might want to not have that hanging over your heads. Is there any savings going on? Not meaning to pry in personal issues, but... Imagine what the FAMILY can do with an extra $1600/month... Part of it will depend on what percentage this is of your family income, I guess... I mean, if it's only 5% of your family income, no problem. But if it's 25% of your family income, I can definitely see the problem.

Leasing a 1/2 horse sounds like a good compromise, but even then, it seems that if it's important to a 16 year old, they may be able to contribute to it. Depends on their other schedules and stuff, I guess...

Have you done any financial counseling? This seems like it should be something relatively easy to work together for a solution...

C


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> But would it be realistic for her to contribute something back to the family finances? Even if she doesn't pay the entire amount, it lessens the hit.
> 
> $20,000/year when you're living on a financial edge is a considerable chunk of change, I'd say. $1600/month... I can see why your husband might want to not have that hanging over your heads. Is there any savings going on? Not meaning to pry in personal issues, but... Imagine what the FAMILY can do with an extra $1600/month... Part of it will depend on what percentage this is of your family income, I guess... I mean, if it's only 5% of your family income, no problem. But if it's 25% of your family income, I can definitely see the problem.
> 
> ...



Yes there is LOTS of savings, retirement, college ... we are NOT living on the financial edge, he just feels that way because his comfort zone is so different than mine. We don't need financial counseling. We can afford it...he just doesn't like it that we have to be frugal with the cash flow--- it could be better if I put less in retirement or college savings or cut back on the horse...there are many areas that could be cut back. 

Having her contribute would not make a significant difference in addressing the problem...she does work at the stable and makes all her own spending money. 

She also has a significant LD, so I am cautious about her taking too much time away from studying.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Yes there is LOTS of savings, retirement, college ... we are NOT living on the financial edge, he just feels that way because his comfort zone is so different than mine. We don't need financial counseling. We can afford it...he just doesn't like it that we have to be frugal with the cash flow--- it could be better if I put less in retirement or college savings or cut back on the horse...there are many areas that could be cut back.
> 
> Having her contribute would not make a significant difference in addressing the problem...she does work at the stable and makes all her own spending money.
> 
> She also has a significant LD, so I am cautious about her taking too much time away from studying.


Fair enough... Then I'd probably go with the leasing option, if it will save enough money. Then you daughter still gets to ride while she prepares to tryout for the college team. I suspect it would be harder to make the team if she's not riding for the final year before going to college...

C


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> Fair enough... Then I'd probably go with the leasing option, if it will save enough money. Then you daughter still gets to ride while she prepares to tryout for the college team. I suspect it would be harder to make the team if she's not riding for the final year before going to college...
> 
> C


Exactly....and actually it is to her advantage to know how to ride a variety of horses (which she has). The savings would be significant.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Wow I didn't realize it was you that had the horse (that was before I knew you). I advised you to sell it because it was causing so much grief for your husband. I like that now you are considering a compromise at least. I never went back to that thread for fear thinking you probably blasted me for my comment. I'm a bit more thick skinned these days. LOL!!

This time I wanted to say I'm like your husband is with the money. I'm not comfortable with debt and I do not like running low on money. It's a security thing to me and yes it stresses me out. I know all too well how quickly things can go bad. A job loss, an illness, whatever...I don't like living paycheck to paycheck.


----------

