# girls night out



## bab123

A gal pal and I want to go out some time for a "girls night out". But I know my husband. He will say he's fine with it, but I know better. We have been married 25 years and I can read him like a book! He has an attitude shift,(its written all over his face) gets sullen, doesn't even say "have a good time" (of course he says nothing is wrong) My husband and I have gone out together plenty of times. I don't get to go out with friends very often. I just get tired of him acting like a horses rear end when it comes to this. I think the problem is that he doesn't have any guy pals himself. He doesn't think its all that important.(don't believe that one for a second). Any ideas on how to deal with this?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

maybe if you go out then come home and jump his bones when you get back, he may look forward to your 'girls night outs'.
just talk with him and make sure he doesnt think you are wanting to go out to be with someone else.


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## AvaTara539

It's very important for individuals to have their own time for themselves, even him! I find it kind of offputting that he doesn't have any friends. I'm a loner myself and even I know a friend or two to hang out with once in a while. Maybe you can suggest an activity that he can do while you go out? Or if you're going to a club or whatever that he can tag along? He will probably dislike it so much the first time he won't want to do it again. The bottom line for him is everybody needs some personal freedom to exist as themselves and not just as husband or wife or mother or father or whatever, and if he truly loves you he'll work with you to find a way to reach that middle ground.


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## the guy

The bottom line for him is the fact that guys will hit on you and you will turn them a way, but the one that is so cut and makes you giggle...thats the one he's worried about.

I think girls day outs are great and aggree with Ava but no good will come to going out to clubs were drinking is invloved and the protection from all the vampires is at home. Stay outof this darkness.

Granted I can understand the thrill of getting flirted on but some times and most always gets addictive and out of hand.

I suggest you stay in the day light and keep away from clubs if you want to drink and dance do it with your man.

Also let him know that if he doesn't take you clubing and dancing some one else will so tell him to get off his [email protected]@ b/c you want him and only him to flirt and make you laugh with thoses corny pick up lines.


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## AvaTara539

the_guy, I just went out to a great club the other night with my friend (haven't been to a club in 2 years before this), my husband not only encouraged me but said "get ya freak on" LOL because he *trusts me*. A ridiculously good looking guy offered to buy me a drink and I immediately said "I'm married". I even danced with guys (no touching lol) as long as they knew I had a husband and I was not interested in doing anything. If you don't have a marriage with basic trust you don't have much. And we women can handle ourselves with the vampires


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## the guy

I stand corrected!

I just think it can become a bad habit.


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## the guy

Thank you for making my point.

Guys they do get hit on.


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## AvaTara539

I can understand where you're coming from, and some women are less trustworthy than others, or if they're in relationships where they feel neglected they may be more prone to flirtation. For me it's just absolutely not a problem. But that may be because I have always had a lot of platonic male friends. So I guess it depends on the woman. Ladies if you think you might be tempted, stay home! Or go to a gay bar  LOL!


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## bab123

He has people at church he calls "friends", but no one he is close with, or who calls him.(except for his family on occasion) Many many years of our marriage has been spent as just husband and me. Except for going to work or the grocery store, we are together most of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I have a girlfriend who I have know for 30 years, and another I have known for a few years. Both live opposite ends of the state, and I see/hear from them only so often. The gal pal who I want to go out on a "girls night out" shows all the signs of becoming a really good friend. But because I have been badly burned by a goup of friends a little over a year ago, trusting doesn't come easy.


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## magnoliagal

My dh trusts me too but I can assure you he would not approve of me going to a club. Not now not ever. And I respect that. I don't think I'd like it if he did it either. Not about to ruin an almost 20 year marriage just so I can get my freak on. 

Girls night out for me means a movie, dinner, a church event, something completely tame where there is very little chance of some guy hitting on me. I also don't drink so there you go.


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## MrK

She didn't say where she was going, but didn't disagree when people thought it would be bar hopping at meat markets. Very dangerous for a married woman.


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## AvaTara539

magnoliagal said:


> My dh trusts me too but I can assure you he would not approve of me going to a club. Not now not ever. And I respect that. I don't think I'd like it if he did it either. Not about to ruin an almost 20 year marriage just so I can get my freak on.


Not much of a marriage if you think it could be ruined by going out dancing with your girlfriends. I have way more self restraint than that and so does my husband. If I thought there was any way on earth he could cheat on me going out, I wouldn't let him. But then again if I thought that, I wouldn't have married him either!


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## the guy

Your new friend may be on the up and up like AvaTara539, but she may not. It is possible that this friend drags you into a bad situation, late at night with a few drinks in the both of you.

Either way, with respect to your man get to know your new friend by spending the *day* with her in staed and get a feel for if she's a man chaser. Once you and your husband get to know her he may feel a little more comfortable with the GNO.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

the guy said:


> Your new friend may be on the up and up like AvaTara539, but she may not. It is possible that this friend drags you into a bad situation, late at night with a few drinks in the both of you.
> 
> Either way, with respect to your man get to know your new friend by spending the *day* with her in staed and get a feel for if she's a man chaser. Once you and your husband get to know her he may feel a little more comfortable with the GNO.


yes, :iagree:

i had the assumption that these girls nights out was with somrone you and possibly your husband already knew fairly well. may be bad news in the making.


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## magnoliagal

AvaTara539 said:


> Not much of a marriage if you think it could be ruined by going out dancing with your girlfriends. I have way more self restraint than that and so does my husband. If I thought there was any way on earth he could cheat on me going out, I wouldn't let him. But then again if I thought that, I wouldn't have married him either!


This was something dh and I actually negotiated before we got married. I'm not comfortable with him going out dancing without me and vice versa. We agreed. Our marriage is just fine because we both feel the same way about it.

Now in your case your husband loves it so I say go for it!


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## AvaTara539

magnoliagal said:


> This was something dh and I actually negotiated before we got married. I'm not comfortable with him going out dancing without me and vice versa. We agreed. Our marriage is just fine because we both feel the same way about it.
> 
> Now in your case your husband loves it so I say go for it!


:smthumbup:


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## Syrum

I don't think going out to bars or drinking heavily is a good idea to do on your own without your SO. I will not do this.

I do go and visit my friends and attend things with them but I do not do anything my fiance would not be comfortable with me doing. If he expressed that he didn't want me doing something, then I would respect his feelings on that and not go.


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## Niceguy13

Another mans opinion her in this thread. For me it was never that she wanted to go out in fact I always encouraged it is the company she was choosing to go out with. Some I didn't know some I did know and didn't trust. It is highly disrespectful for either partner to be going out by themselfs to a place full of compromising situations with people that the spouse staying at home is uncomfortable with.

Ava it sounds like you are going out with well known girl friends. It also sounds like you are the type that when you came back you would wake your husband up and "appreciate" him. that is going to do a lot to numb his insecurities. 

And it has nothing to do with control at least how the clubbing spouse takes it and everything to do with love and respect. Its not that we don't trust you. its that we don't trust other people with you. Can you promise me that new friend who said she is going to DD isn'tgoing to drink? Can you promise me your friends are going to keep some guy dragging you away after roofieing you? These are all things out of both partners control and it brings forth a lot of anxiety. I realise there is risk everywhere in life but there is also a question of negating factors you may be comfortable with this new friend but you should ensure your husband is. And when you get back appreciate him.


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## AvaTara539

I hear you Niceguy13, but if you feel that way be willing to go WITH us. I know a lot of married women whose spouses flat out refuse to go out with them on the rare night we'd like to hit a bar or whatever, but don't want them to go either. This is selfish. There's only a 'risk' if there's a reason for there to be a risk, and for me there just isn't. Now if it's a feeling going out is disrespectful thing, that's something both parties have to work out, but I'd never be with a man who wouldn't let me have a little freedom to go out sometimes.  And my husband is SO not concerned with me being put at risk for my physical safety! LOL!! I'm a black belt in Aikido and I'm not a fool (like letting some dude I don't know bring me an open drink that might be drugged, walking out to my car alone in unlit areas, etc).


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## Mrs.G

magnoliagal said:


> This was something dh and I actually negotiated before we got married. I'm not comfortable with him going out dancing without me and vice versa. We agreed. Our marriage is just fine because we both feel the same way about it.
> 
> Now in your case your husband loves it so I say go for it!


I don't think it's fair to say that a woman "doesn't have much of a marriage", just because she and her husband agree on something. It's quite rude.
My husband is so introverted that I tease him, with monikers such as Hermit The Frog. LOL As a compromise, he will come with me on group dates and I will respect his need for alone time with him. I do this by not spending EVERY night on the phone or out with friends, the way I did when I was struggling with the idea of being married.
We have agreed not to have opposite sex friends, since it has become an issue in the past. Mr.G does not have friends. I deem this as unhealthy, but he is content with me being his only pal.
I rarely go to dance clubs. When I do, hubby clearly doesn't like it. I kiss him and say "You know I'm married to YOU, right?" I have my fun with my girls and then I come home and we laugh at the fools who hit on me, despite me saying I'm married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AvaTara539

Mrs.G said:


> I don't think it's fair to say that a woman "doesn't have much of a marriage", just because she and her husband agree on something. It's quite rude.
> My husband is so introverted that I tease him, with monikers such as Hermit The Frog. LOL As a compromise, he will come with me on group dates and I will respect his need for alone time with him. I do this by not spending EVERY night on the phone or out with friends, the way I did when I was struggling with the idea of being married.
> We have agreed not to have opposite sex friends, since it has become an issue in the past. Mr.G does not have friends. I deem this as unhealthy, but he is content with me being his only pal.
> I rarely go to dance clubs. When I do, hubby clearly doesn't like it. I kiss him and say "You know I'm married to YOU, right?" I have my fun with my girls and then I come home and we laugh at the fools who hit on me, despite me saying I'm married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right that was a bit rude. I stand corrected


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## magnoliagal

Mrs.G said:


> We have agreed not to have opposite sex friends, since it has become an issue in the past.


We have this agreement as well.


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## sisters359

Honestly, his insecurity is not your problem. I say, ignore it. If you let it fester, it will bother you and can become a "self-fulfilling prophecy." If YOU know it is just fun and innocent, then act accordingly. The more you try to solve his problem, the worse it will get. So, remember that he is in charge of his feelings and how he reacts, not you. Go off with a clear conscience. Don't let him "punish you;" be cheerful and chatty the next day regardless of how he responds--and be sure to let him know you had fun and you appreciate having a spouse who supports you having some fun on your own (because, despite his sullleness, he did support you by not trying to intervene). Keep up that routine and he may realize that Mr. Longface isn't going to work--and he may voice his fears, in which case you can just sympathize or empathize, but don't try to reassure him about how trustworthy you are.


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## CH

Spending time with friends is fine, going to bars/clubs with friends to drink and get hit on just to make you feel better is not fine, unless your husband is into that then go for it IMO.

You might want to think about why your husband is so upset. You love him, yes but do you think going to a club to get attention from other guys (even if you know nothing will happen physically or emotionally) is fair to your husband?

Maybe he doesn't have many friends because you're the only one he needs and wants. He only wants to spend his time with you because he loves you more than anything else. He doesn't need to get attention from other girls to make himself feel good, you make him feel good about himself already. He wakes up and sees you in the morning and it's already a good day.

Unless he looks like Freddy Krueger then IMO go out and have all the fun you want at the clubs :rofl:

Even if you will never cheat, needing attention from other guys to make yourself feel good will never make a husband feel good about his relationship with his wife. My wife needs to get attention from other guys to make our marriage full-filling really makes a husband feel like a man IMO. You might not think of it that way, but I'm positive your husband is.

Hunny, don't worry, nothing will ever happen it's just an innocent girls night out. Guys dance with me and it makes me feel good but i tell them I'm married and they already know it so you won't ever have to worry about me cheating on you. I just need to dance with strange men to make me feel good for our marriage, can't you see that? I need these girls night out to make our marriage stronger because you can't give me the attention I so deserve.

Like someone posted, spending time with the girls is, lunch/dinner, shopping and whatever you like without the alcohol and dancing with strange men.

Guys, golfing, sports, lunch, etc...Strip joints, clubs and bars are not really guy bonding stuff. It's let's go look at chicks with huge busts and nice curvy behinds so we can go home and tolerate sleeping with the wife while we fantasize about all those young, hot girls.

My guys night out when I started the affair, clubs, bars, hostess bars, strip clubs. My guys out after the affair and I realized my wife was the only one I needed, hunting and sports (well before the kids, now it's home and TV/computer lol).

I needed those clubs to make me feel that other girls still wanted me (after being married), it felt good getting phone numbers from girls at the clubs, very good. Too bad I didn't realize I should have felt good enough just with my wife. And luckily she didn't boot my behind to the curb.


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## Runs like Dog

He's sulking. Tell him he's sulking. Tell him to join a bowling league or something one night a week.


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## tamara24

Go out and have a good time! It is important that you do that for you.

Some things I do when I go out with the girls: text him half way through and tell him I miss him, call as I am on my way home,offer to pick up ice cream for the two of us, thank him for watching the kids,,and show him how much I missed him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

This topic has come up before and some guy always refers to the woman wanting/needing the male attention. To many of us women, that plays no part in wanting to go out with the girls. The girl company and dancing is usually the main attraction--live music, often great lighting, and a feeling of being without responsibilities for a couple of hours (even though many of us are checking our phones to make sure we haven't missed a call about a sick child), making silly conversation with out friends--it's just fun. Just because some guys *assume* that women want or need the male attention does not make it true. If there were more "girls only" clubs, you'd find them very busy--women enjoy one another's company and aren't hung up about dancing with other women, and the presence of men is not considered necessary. I have a number of female friends--all single--who go dancing at a gay bar sometimes b/c the music is great and they just want to dance. But not every community has such a place. 

If a woman loves her partner, then this desire has nothing to do with other men. If you are anxious about her safety, make sure she has pepper spray and remind her to buy her own drinks (always a good practice) and tell her to call you if the driving situation breaks down in anyway. Then say, "Have fun! Can't wait to hear about it." And try to mean it! If she calls you at bar time b/c her friend is too drunk to drive, pick her up and express how grateful you are she had the good sense to call. 

In other words, be a good sport, and accept that what you think she is looking for may have nothing to do with what she really wants.


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## jmajews1

From a guys perspective, he needs a life. The more my wife goes out with her friends the more I get to out with mine, that is why it works so well. He may not like going out to the clubs but I am sure there are activities he does enjoy.

Some men just don't want to have friends. In this case, you need to resort to seduction. Not *****ing and complaining but true seduction. It is amazing how fast a man changes his mind when he is seduced.

The only reason why I complain when my wife goes out with her friends is that I'd rather be going out with mine. If I already have an event pre-scheduled then I find myself not complaining about it.So, one angle is to have something important to him pre-scheduled before you go out.

Not all men are the same, experiment and find out what works and use it to your full advantage.


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## AniversaryFight

sisters359 said:


> Honestly, his insecurity is not your problem. I say, ignore it. If you let it fester, it will bother you and can become a "self-fulfilling prophecy." If YOU know it is just fun and innocent, then act accordingly. The more you try to solve his problem, the worse it will get. So, remember that he is in charge of his feelings and how he reacts, not you. Go off with a clear conscience. Don't let him "punish you;" be cheerful and chatty the next day regardless of how he responds--and be sure to let him know you had fun and you appreciate having a spouse who supports you having some fun on your own (because, despite his sullleness, he did support you by not trying to intervene). Keep up that routine and he may realize that Mr. Longface isn't going to work--and he may voice his fears, in which case you can just sympathize or empathize, but don't try to reassure him about how trustworthy you are.


Relationshoips are about compromise and take care of each others feelings.
If woman is trying to act tought to his man and not listening to his feelings plus if a man is strong enought will definetely drop that woman period!!!

reverse: what if a man does not care about woman feelings ...what will be the topic?


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## AniversaryFight

sisters359 said:


> This topic has come up before and some guy always refers to the woman wanting/needing the male attention. To many of us women, that plays no part in wanting to go out with the girls. The girl company and dancing is usually the main attraction--live music, often great lighting, and a feeling of being without responsibilities for a couple of hours (even though many of us are checking our phones to make sure we haven't missed a call about a sick child), making silly conversation with out friends--it's just fun. Just because some guys *assume* that women want or need the male attention does not make it true. If there were more "girls only" clubs, you'd find them very busy--women enjoy one another's company and aren't hung up about dancing with other women, and the presence of men is not considered necessary. I have a number of female friends--all single--who go dancing at a gay bar sometimes b/c the music is great and they just want to dance. But not every community has such a place.
> 
> If a woman loves her partner, then this desire has nothing to do with other men. If you are anxious about her safety, make sure she has pepper spray and remind her to buy her own drinks (always a good practice) and tell her to call you if the driving situation breaks down in anyway. Then say, "Have fun! Can't wait to hear about it." And try to mean it! If she calls you at bar time b/c her friend is too drunk to drive, pick her up and express how grateful you are she had the good sense to call.
> 
> In other words, be a good sport, and accept that what you think she is looking for may have nothing to do with what she really wants.


Smart alpha male wont let her wife hanging out to bars alone with friends. Shewill go to club, watch live bands with her husband or a group of friends with husband in the group!

A healthy marriage care about each others feelings and listen to each other.

a wife can have time alone with her girl friends by going to a movie, dinner, shopping, coffee, at one of her girl friends house.


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## AniversaryFight

jmajews1 said:


> From a guys perspective, he needs a life. The more my wife goes out with her friends the more I get to out with mine, that is why it works so well. He may not like going out to the clubs but I am sure there are activities he does enjoy.
> 
> Some men just don't want to have friends. In this case, you need to resort to seduction. Not *****ing and complaining but true seduction. It is amazing how fast a man changes his mind when he is seduced.
> 
> The only reason why I complain when my wife goes out with her friends is that I'd rather be going out with mine. If I already have an event pre-scheduled then I find myself not complaining about it.So, one angle is to have something important to him pre-scheduled before you go out.
> 
> Not all men are the same, experiment and find out what works and use it to your full advantage.


You are right, ...and as you pointed out "He may not like going out to the clubs "

Going out with friends GREAT,...club is the problem!!!

I beleave you will not enjoy your wife to go out to club with her friends and come home around 1, 2, 4....


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## bab123

First off, I have to say a big thank you for all of you who replied. 
I don't know why you keep harping on about going to clubs. That is not my scene. The last time I did that they called it going to the disco.
All I want is to go out with a friend, have a couple of drinks, maybe shoot a little pool, talk and have fun. Nothing wild and crazy. Why is it always women who can't handle themselves in social situations? Im a bit offended by that. I have been a very independant person since I was 19 years old.
The one thing I didn't mention in my post is that my husband has been out of work for the past 2 1/2 years. So when Im not at work, or running errands, or even just out for a ride on my scooter, we are together. Just about ALL THE TIME! Do you have any idea what thats like??
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But there is such a thing as too much togetherness. 
So getting out of the house and doing my own thing is important. I don't get to do it very often.


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## luckyman

Imagine your husband going to a bar, club, or lounge where the ratio of women to men is 2 to 1. He's drinking alcohol and so are they. How comfortable are you with other women hitting on him, looking at him and his being in this environment without you? Do you really want him to be in a place where it is generally assumed that he is single, or available? Is it really all that important that you go out drinking as opposed to another activity?


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## bab123

For one thing, I have always trusted my husband, so I would have no problem with him going out to a bar with his guy friends.
When I have gone out for a drink, its always been my policy to have a mixed drink limit of 2. The rest of the time its soda pop. On the rare times I have gone out with friends, NOT ONCE have I EVER walked out of a drinking establishment blitzed, buzzed or falling down drunk. I am responsible in the way I conduct myself, but I still have fun.
I agree with sister359. Its just wanting to get away from responsibilities for a little while. Its not like I don't go out with my husband. I do. But I need the "me" time. Because he isn't working, I feel like Im chained to him. I know that sounds like a mean thing to say, but its how I feel. It makes me feel alone and smothered to have to be with him all the time.


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## Whatshisname

bab123 said:


> I agree with sister359. Its just wanting to get away from responsibilities for a little while. Its not like I don't go out with my husband. I do. But I need the "me" time. Because he isn't working, I feel like Im chained to him. I know that sounds like a mean thing to say, but its how I feel. It makes me feel alone and smothered to have to be with him all the time.


I'm in the same situation with my W. I no longer work and she loves me but needs time away from me ~ she needs solitude. I admit, this hurts a little but without this away time, I fear our relationship may fail. She has also gone out 3 times dancing and drinking with her gal-pal while I stay home and take care of our disabled son. Again, she really needs this away time. She would like me to take a short trip of some kind so she can enjoy the solitude. This hurts a little too because to me, travel (or life for that matter) isn't fun without her. 
If a W needs time without her H, either for the friendship of others or the solitude of being alone, is there some equitable way for her to achieve it? What have others done to get what they need without hurting their family?


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## hippygirl39

This was quoted ina previous post but don't know how to link properly yet. 'I think girls day outs are great and aggree with Ava but no good will come to going out to clubs were drinking is invloved and the protection from all the vampires is at home. Stay outof this darkness.'

I think that if this is normally a good relationship there should be no problem with a girl's night out - if the relationship is not good then, yes, there is a danger that you will stumble across something you are not finding at home. I had this with my husband who also didn't have any friends to speak of and I felt guilty every time I went out despite the fact that I was most certainly not looking for anyone else as I believe to do that from within a marriage is wrong. We are now separated as he had an affair (sourced via the internet) but the emotional dependency is one of the reasons I now want out of the marriage.
I think space is good as you can look forward to seeing someone again whereas if you are living in each other's pockets, it is easy to take people for granted and get irritated with them. My husband was either at work or at home and I would have liked the space. Good luck


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## COGypsy

luckyman said:


> Imagine your husband going to a bar, club, or lounge where the ratio of women to men is 2 to 1. He's drinking alcohol and so are they. How comfortable are you with other women hitting on him, looking at him and his being in this environment without you? Do you really want him to be in a place where it is generally assumed that he is single, or available? Is it really all that important that you go out drinking as opposed to another activity?


Wow---where are all these dens of iniquity at? I have to say that while I completely respect the boundaries that people establish for their own relationships, and that I realize that the nature of this board skews towards those who've been burned, my experience hasn't been at all what you're describing. 

My friends and I go out dancing when we know the band. Sometimes our husbands come, usually they thank their lucky stars that "the girls" are willing to go so they don't have to. We usually go out for happy hour when we get together. Sometimes we even stay in that bar past happy hour, into the evening. I would also say that generally we're a pretty attractive bunch. Most of us have noticed one or another of us getting a second look once or twice, you know? 

And never, not once in the probably 5 years that all of us have been married, have we been approached by strange men wishing to foist their attentions upon us. Not even our single friend when she's with us has been approached that I remember. Not even I was when I couldn't wear my wedding rings and presumably looked "single and available". I think that usually we all look like we're having fun together, which we are, and most people won't horn in on that.

I know that this is a place where a lot of people have been hurt by their spouses and where people have generally had the worst experiences on any given spectrum, but truly--there aren't always predators around every corner and not everyone sees temptation at every turn. Sometimes it really is just a fun night out with the girls...


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## COGypsy

Whatshisname said:


> I'm in the same situation with my W. I no longer work and she loves me but needs time away from me ~ she needs solitude. I admit, this hurts a little but without this away time, I fear our relationship may fail. She has also gone out 3 times dancing and drinking with her gal-pal while I stay home and take care of our disabled son. Again, she really needs this away time. She would like me to take a short trip of some kind so she can enjoy the solitude. This hurts a little too because to me, travel (or life for that matter) isn't fun without her.
> If a W needs time without her H, either for the friendship of others or the solitude of being alone, is there some equitable way for her to achieve it? What have others done to get what they need without hurting their family?


Well it seems like switching off time to do things on your own would be pretty equitable. Don't you have friends that you want to see and do things with? I truly don't think it's healthy to have the idea that one person is everything to another, you have to have some degree of balance in it all. It seems like you both should be getting out and doing things with others from time to time and that then a lot of this would work itself out.

On the other hand, it could just be a matter of miscommunicated expectations. If you've recently begun to stay at home full time, it can be hard for her to adjust to having someone else there all the time, it's a pretty common adjustment phase with retirees, for example.

Fundamentally though, I doubt it's something to take personally. Everyone needs social outlets and it's not a slight against you or your son for her to need one as well.


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## sisters359

> This hurts a little too because to me, travel (or life for that matter) isn't fun without her.


I do not say this in a mean way, but you too need to get a life of your own. Especially if you have a disabled child. It is not good for you and it is not fair to your wife to be your sole emotional support. It is a burden for her, even if she doesn't complain about it and, right now, enjoys it. If you don't have a hobby, start looking for one. Once a week or two, you should be engaging with others on your own, stretching other parts of yourself, making friends. Men who are too emotionally dependent on their wife put themselves and the relationship at risk--this is fairly common advice from marriage counselors and therapists. No one person can--or should--be meeting all our needs.


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## Whatshisname

Thanks Cogypsy and Sisters for your comments. Until recently, we mainly only spent time with each other and this has had a bad effect on me. My W has a new BFF that she spends time with but she also want's to have some solitude as I said before. It's still a bit hurtfull to me that she doesn't want to spend every spare moment with me as I want to do with her. I suspected these feeling are foolish on my part. 
I really don't have many friends and nobody to really hang out with but my W and son. This has made me too much of a home-body. The wifes need for time away has also made me a bit insecure which I know isn't good. I needed to hear that my W is not out of line in her needs.
Thanks again, your suggestions seem rite on the mark.


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## sisters359

> Relationshoips are about compromise and take care of each others feelings.
> If woman is trying to act tought to his man and not listening to his feelings plus if a man is strong enought will definetely drop that woman period!!!


NO ONE can "take care of" our feelings but ourselves. You are mistaking listening to, and acknowledging, each other's feelings for trying live one's live according to the dictates of another's feelings. 

If a man feels insecure when his wife goes out, it is his *assumptions* about her and/or the behaviors that will go on which are leading to HIS feelings. He is the one making assumptions--and he needs to confront that. A loving wife helps him with those assumptions, helps him talk through his fears and insecurities--but she lets him own his own feelings. 

As an interesting aside, I've noticed it is nearly always men who assume that a woman going out is looking for male attention, planning to get drunk, will put herself in a vulnerable situation, etc. I have to ask myself, what kind of women are these men married to? Or what kind of men are they? I've never hung out with people who think like that. I think the OP is right to be offended and I sense a serious disrespect for women--and men--in these postings, as though both are driven by their lust to act like animals. While there may be people of both sexes who cannot be trusted, why is that the default assumption that always crops up when a woman wants to go out with her friends?


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## Whatshisname

Personally I don't for a moment think my wife is going out looking for men. She does have a few drinks when out with her friends though and I'm afraid something could happen to them.
I'm also a bit jealous I guess that she's dancing with other guys instead of me. Unfortunately it's hard for us both to go out and I would feel like an outsider when she is with her friends anyway.


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## bab123

Whatshisname said:


> Thanks Cogypsy and Sisters for your comments. Until recently, we mainly only spent time with each other and this has had a bad effect on me. My W has a new BFF that she spends time with but she also want's to have some solitude as I said before. It's still a bit hurtfull to me that she doesn't want to spend every spare moment with me as I want to do with her. I suspected these feeling are foolish on my part.
> I really don't have many friends and nobody to really hang out with but my W and son. This has made me too much of a home-body. The wifes need for time away has also made me a bit insecure which I know isn't good. I needed to hear that my W is not out of line in her needs.
> Thanks again, your suggestions seem rite on the mark.


Yes, you're feelings are foolish. You are smothering your wife. We all need time away from our spouses. Its not healthy to be dependant on another person that much. And because my husband is out of work, and doesn't have friends to spend time with either, Im feeling the same way. Its gotten to a point were I love it when Im up and he is still in bed sleeping, or when he walks to the grocery store to shop. I need the time without him, and so does your wife. Is there something you are really interested in that you could go to a MEETUP? This websight provides long lists of interests that are very diverse. People with like minds and interests.


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## Whatshisname

Wow, brutal. 
Our situations are a little different. My W needs time by herself not because she sick of me, or needs to be away from me specifically but because she needs time alone. She has made this very clear.


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## Whatshisname

The booze loosens them up and gets them in the mood to easily laugh, giggle and enjoy each others company more. I'm sure they enjoy having attention from men too.. even though none of them are "looking".
Your rite, they can be this way w/o the booze and I agree it hinders the ability to reason and alters their perceptions to some degree but they would say it just lubricates the wheels better. It also puts them at risk IMO. FWIW, my W gets more attractive as she gets older in part because she takes care of herself, is thin and generally attractive compared to the avg. girls of her age (46) who have mostly and sadly, let themselves go.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

and then again, for some spouses, "girls night out" or "alone time" could be code for...
i need to spend time with my "other" S.O.
just sayin'


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## bab123

Whathisname, I didn't say I was sick of my husband. You totally misconstrued what I said. I love my husband, but because my husband is out of work, we spend more time together than we normally would, which makes for a situation were Im feeling smoothered.
Wives need to be educated??? Don't get me started.....on second thought lets go there. I can't believe someone would actually say that. Like women are soooo stupid that they don't have a lick of sense! Ohhh I need my big strong husband with me at all times to protect me (insert dripping sarcasm). It figures someone would bring up using a girls night out for cheating on there spouse. Don't give women much credit for anything do you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

bab123 said:


> It figures someone would bring up using a girls night out for cheating on there spouse. Don't give women much credit for anything do you.


this does run both ways. i dont think only women use that old line.


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## sisters359

Women have had to learn to protect themselves from very early on, and many have had to learn through some scary, hard lessons. It's not reasonable to think that a woman got through life without having to deal with inappropriate overtures. An adult can handle these fine-even if she has had a few drinks. It does not mean she wants or welcomes the attention, either, and if she had a choice of a good place with great music and drinks and NO chance of unwanted attention, she'd choose that. There are very few such places, however, and women cannot live their lives trying to avoid unwanted male attention. We'd all be wearing burkas and it still wouldn't work.


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## Whatshisname

babs, I don't know why your taking such offense to so much here. I really don't think anybody means to be that way.


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## COGypsy

Whatshisname said:


> babs, I don't know why your taking such offense to so much here. I really don't think anybody means to be that way.


I can't speak for babs of course, but I can say for myself that I found it somewhat offensive that somehow using the phrase 'girls night out' generated responses that seemed to automatically assume half-dressed drunken grinding against predatory strangers into the wee dark hours of the morning.

Whether the intent was to offend or not, I found a great many of the responses to at least seem predicated on that assumption and pretty judgmental as a result. Equally disturbing were the opposite views that seemed to assume that even if a woman wasn't out cruising at night, that she would somehow be helpless in the face of some man's advances--either from her drunkenness or perhaps the inherent weakness of the female of the species.

It seemed to me to become an extremely polarized conversation very quickly and I can see why the OP (and others) could take at least some of it personally and react rather defensively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daison

After having children I found myself making a lot more friends (through baby groups etc). We decided to get together for some girls nights...but my husband was working away from home. Out of respect for him we decided to do our girls nights at each others houses. If someone wanted to drink it was ok to byob. It was safe in the house and there were plenty of sober people available to drive people home. Also - there were no men involved.

Most of these nights were some of the funnest I've ever had. I would suggest that women who assume that to have fun they have to go to a bar/club perhaps need to reevaluate what it is they are trying to accomplish by going out for a girls night....


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## bab123

COGypsy said:


> I can't speak for babs of course, but I can say for myself that I found it somewhat offensive that somehow using the phrase 'girls night out' generated responses that seemed to automatically assume half-dressed drunken grinding against predatory strangers into the wee dark hours of the morning.
> 
> Whether the intent was to offend or not, I found a great many of the responses to at least seem predicated on that assumption and pretty judgmental as a result. Equally disturbing were the opposite views that seemed to assume that even if a woman wasn't out cruising at night, that she would somehow be helpless in the face of some man's advances--either from her drunkenness or perhaps the inherent weakness of the female of the species.
> 
> It seemed to me to become an extremely polarized conversation very quickly and I can see why the OP (and others) could take at least some of it personally and react rather defensively.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats exactly what I was trying to get across.:iagree: Also, people are snatched off the street in broad daylight. I try to be aware of things going on around me day or night. But ya know, I am not going to live my life looking for the boogyman around every corner. I have let my "gut" feelings tell me if something isn't right. It has never steered me wrong.


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## Whatshisname

Well this post has been twisted into something thats no longer helpful to anyone. Too bad, there was lots of helpful dialog until the imaginations kicked in and ego's went wild.
Flame on, I won't be back to this post but I'll remember who had to make things all about them.


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## bab123

I agree, its gotten out of hand. Im going to let this thread die. Its come to an end. Thanks everyone.


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## randomguy1

I don't blame your husband.

my wife used to go out for 'girls night out" a few years ago.. and I was fine with it..

why?

because I was hanging out with her "girls" husbands' and they all went together. I trusted her totally, and knew they would look out for each other. I knew guys would hit on her, but she'd always come home and tell me when one tried, or if anything like that happened she was quick to tell them she was married..

she likes to dance and I don't want to take that away from her. At the time I was in a band and i did that, and she went out and danced.

fast forward..

She didn't go out for a long time, then all of a sudden her sister got her to start going back again. At first I didn't care.. as again I trust her. But, all of sudden she was coming home with stories about these new guy friends. I didn't think anything about at first.. but stories turned into them having her number, and her texting them... then it became constant texting and if I asked about them she became defensive. Then I started finding pictures of her with these "friends'.. harmless "hey we are having fun at the club" pictures.. but she looked "happier" than she had with anything she had done with me and she never takes candid just for fun pictures with me. If I asked her, they were all just friends and that she just meshed better with guys than girls.. etc. 

Eventually I started getting told rumors about her and certain guys. They weren't from reliable sources, so i couldn't confront her. But it bothered me so much, I tried to get it out of the people she went with.. and it got back to her. So I told her sister it might be a good idea, to curb the bar hopping for a while and she "agreed' with me and then turned around and told my wife the exact opposite. My wife, claims this is her only "thing" she has away from me where she gets to be herself. She said I've had all these other things I do, and she's had nothing.. I tried to invite myself and go with her so she could dance and "get her freak on" with me.. but she got extremely defensive and refused me to go, even once. Said I would be a party pooper if I went. I told her I might just show up one night anyway, and she told me if I did.. that she would leave.

I mean, REDDDDDDDDD flagssssss everywhere.

I still do no think she has or has any intentions of "cheating" on my physically. But I think she eats up all the attention she gets from those scum bags at the bar, and doesn't want to let it go. Its like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. And I'm sorry girls night out.. means.. GIRLS.. only. 

Mine has actually GONE with other guys, before.. like driven there with them. Sure her sister was with her too.. but doesn't that defeat the purpose of it being a girls night out? 

Anytime it comes up now I'm apprehensive about it and she can tell i don't like it, without me even saying anything. But she still wants to do it, and still claims its just because she likes to dance. I try to trust her.. but I think its bad news to do that unless you are in the first scenario I mentioned where its a loving trusting relationship and your husband knows the people you are going with. I don't know any of these people.


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## Runs like Dog

so tell me, when girls go out do they get drunk and hit on women too?


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## nader

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> maybe if you go out then come home and jump his bones when you get back, he may look forward to your 'girls night outs'.
> just talk with him and make sure he doesnt think you are wanting to go out to be with someone else.


better yet, jump him as soon as you get home from work, make it passionate and awesome and all about him (assuming that will make him happy), and when you are done, just declare that you're going out w/ the girls.


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## Entropy3000

randomguy1 said:


> I don't blame your husband.
> 
> my wife used to go out for 'girls night out" a few years ago.. and I was fine with it..
> 
> why?
> 
> because I was hanging out with her "girls" husbands' and they all went together. I trusted her totally, and knew they would look out for each other. I knew guys would hit on her, but she'd always come home and tell me when one tried, or if anything like that happened she was quick to tell them she was married..
> 
> she likes to dance and I don't want to take that away from her. At the time I was in a band and i did that, and she went out and danced.
> 
> fast forward..
> 
> She didn't go out for a long time, then all of a sudden her sister got her to start going back again. At first I didn't care.. as again I trust her. But, all of sudden she was coming home with stories about these new guy friends. I didn't think anything about at first.. but stories turned into them having her number, and her texting them... then it became constant texting and if I asked about them she became defensive. Then I started finding pictures of her with these "friends'.. harmless "hey we are having fun at the club" pictures.. but she looked "happier" than she had with anything she had done with me and she never takes candid just for fun pictures with me. If I asked her, they were all just friends and that she just meshed better with guys than girls.. etc.
> 
> Eventually I started getting told rumors about her and certain guys. They weren't from reliable sources, so i couldn't confront her. But it bothered me so much, I tried to get it out of the people she went with.. and it got back to her. So I told her sister it might be a good idea, to curb the bar hopping for a while and she "agreed' with me and then turned around and told my wife the exact opposite. My wife, claims this is her only "thing" she has away from me where she gets to be herself. She said I've had all these other things I do, and she's had nothing.. I tried to invite myself and go with her so she could dance and "get her freak on" with me.. but she got extremely defensive and refused me to go, even once. Said I would be a party pooper if I went. I told her *I might just show up one night anyway, and she told me if I did.. that she would leave.*
> 
> I mean, REDDDDDDDDD flagssssss everywhere.
> 
> *I still do no think she has or has any intentions of "cheating" on my physically.* But I think she eats up all the attention she gets from those scum bags at the bar, and doesn't want to let it go. Its like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. And I'm sorry girls night out.. means.. GIRLS.. only.
> 
> Mine has actually GONE with other guys, before.. like driven there with them. Sure her sister was with her too.. but doesn't that defeat the purpose of it being a girls night out?
> 
> Anytime it comes up now I'm apprehensive about it and she can tell i don't like it, without me even saying anything. But she still wants to do it, and still claims its just because *she likes to dance. *I try to trust her.. but I think its bad news to do that unless you are in the first scenario I mentioned where its a loving trusting relationship and your husband knows the people you are going with. I don't know any of these people.


:redcard: Oh my lord ...


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## marrid4life

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> maybe if you go out then come home and jump his bones when you get back, he may look forward to your 'girls night outs'.
> just talk with him and make sure he doesnt think you are wanting to go out to be with someone else.


Ahhh now someone's hit the nail on the head (no pun intended hehe)..I can tell you from experience so similar to how this husband feels about his wife going out with the girls, but that all goes away when getting bum rushed...:sleeping:


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## Entropy3000

AvaTara539 said:


> I hear you Niceguy13, but* if you feel that way be willing to go WITH us.* I know a lot of married women whose spouses flat out refuse to go out with them on the rare night we'd like to hit a bar or whatever, but don't want them to go either. This is selfish. There's only a 'risk' if there's a reason for there to be a risk, and for me there just isn't. Now if it's a feeling going out is disrespectful thing, that's something both parties have to work out, but I'd never be with a man who wouldn't let me have a little freedom to go out sometimes.  And my husband is SO not concerned with me being put at risk for my physical safety! LOL!! I'm a black belt in Aikido and I'm not a fool (like letting some dude I don't know bring me an open drink that might be drugged, walking out to my car alone in unlit areas, etc).


A guy that does not come with his wife if she wants to go out is a fool. He should enjoy going out to his wife. He still may not like the place that is in mind. If this is the case, he should not be ok with his wife going without him. So why would he not go and have a good time. At the very least he is c0ckblocking. Which frankly is his role. 

Sorry guys, you are not hard wired to trust. You are hardwired to use the jealous reflex and c0ckblock. It is Darwinian. Like it or not. PC or not. It is natural.


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## Entropy3000

marrid4life said:


> Ahhh now someone's hit the nail on the head (no pun intended hehe)..I can tell you from experience so similar to how this husband feels about his wife going out with the girls, but that all goes away when getting bum rushed...:sleeping:


I agree, to a point. If she is being stimulated by other guys and then f*cks the heck out of you that is nice. BUT this is just a little bit of being cuckholded. The guy is more sexually aroused becasue he is hardwired by the sperm competition mechanism. Meaning if a man feels his wife may have been having sex with another male, he is turned on by that fact and will want to have intercourse with her so that his sperm can compete. The actuall shape of a mans penis is designed to pull another mans sperm out while releasing his. Sorry for painting that picture.

Is what I am saying ridiculous? Much of the time, sure. No doubt. It really depends on how wild the GNOs are and how into this playing with the boys is for the wife. But from a body agenda perspective we are wired this way.

All in all this is the least she should do. The later she comes in from being out the though the bigger the concern. If there is any secrecy about what she is doing, this is a huge red flag. If she is going out with a wingwoman that always goes with her, then more concern.


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## Entropy3000

sisters359 said:


> *Honestly, his insecurity is not your problem. I say, ignore it.* If you let it fester, it will bother you and can become a "self-fulfilling prophecy." If YOU know it is just fun and innocent, then act accordingly. The more you try to solve his problem, the worse it will get. So, remember that he is in charge of his feelings and how he reacts, not you. Go off with a clear conscience. Don't let him "punish you;" be cheerful and chatty the next day regardless of how he responds--and be sure to let him know you had fun and you appreciate having a spouse who supports you having some fun on your own (because, despite his sullleness, he did support you by not trying to intervene). Keep up that routine and he may realize that *Mr. Longface* isn't going to work--and he may voice his fears, in which case you can just sympathize or empathize, but don't try to reassure him about how trustworthy you are.


LOL. There is a loving faithful wife attitude. It is of course of major concern in a marriage how your SO feels about what you do.

Of course the man can solve this problem readily. By letting his spouse know this is unacceptable and act on it.

This is very tough however since he is already in love with his wife. If there are children he has every right to be more assertive here. She knows she will keep the kids and then can use that against him if it gets contentious.

Mr Longface ... more respect for this guy. FEMDOM here.


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## Entropy3000

cheatinghubby said:


> Spending time with friends is fine, going to bars/clubs with friends to drink and get hit on just to make you feel better is not fine, unless your husband is into that then go for it IMO.
> 
> You might want to think about why your husband is so upset. You love him, yes but do you think going to a club to get attention from other guys (even if you know nothing will happen physically or emotionally) is fair to your husband?
> 
> Maybe he doesn't have many friends because you're the only one he needs and wants. He only wants to spend his time with you because he loves you more than anything else. He doesn't need to get attention from other girls to make himself feel good, you make him feel good about himself already. He wakes up and sees you in the morning and it's already a good day.
> 
> Unless he looks like Freddy Krueger then IMO go out and have all the fun you want at the clubs :rofl:
> 
> Even if you will never cheat, needing attention from other guys to make yourself feel good will never make a husband feel good about his relationship with his wife. My wife needs to get attention from other guys to make our marriage full-filling really makes a husband feel like a man IMO. You might not think of it that way, but I'm positive your husband is.
> 
> *Hunny, don't worry, nothing will ever happen it's just an innocent girls night out. Guys dance with me and it makes me feel good but i tell them I'm married and they already know it so you won't ever have to worry about me cheating on you. I just need to dance with strange men to make me feel good for our marriage, can't you see that? I need these girls night out to make our marriage stronger because you can't give me the attention I so deserve.*
> 
> Like someone posted, spending time with the girls is, lunch/dinner, shopping and whatever you like without the alcohol and dancing with strange men.
> 
> Guys, golfing, sports, lunch, etc...Strip joints, clubs and bars are not really guy bonding stuff. It's let's go look at chicks with huge busts and nice curvy behinds so we can go home and tolerate sleeping with the wife while we fantasize about all those young, hot girls.
> 
> My guys night out when I started the affair, clubs, bars, hostess bars, strip clubs. My guys out after the affair and I realized my wife was the only one I needed, hunting and sports (well before the kids, now it's home and TV/computer lol).
> 
> I needed those clubs to make me feel that other girls still wanted me (after being married), it felt good getting phone numbers from girls at the clubs, very good. Too bad I didn't realize I should have felt good enough just with my wife. And luckily she didn't boot my behind to the curb.


Greatness. Exactly.


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## Conrad

Entropy,

The DEFINITION of a committed spouse is one who actually cares if he/she hurts the feelings of their spouse.

Now, your spouse may need counseling to shrink their zone of sensitivity, but that's something you work on together.

You simply don't say, "I know this hurts you, LIVE WITH IT."

Or, as some have found, perhaps he won't.





Entropy3000 said:


> LOL. There is a loving faithful wife attitude. It is of course of major concern in a marriage how your SO feels about what you do.
> 
> Of course the man can solve this problem readily. By letting his spouse know this is unacceptable and act on it.
> 
> This is very tough however since he is already in love with his wife. If there are children he has every right to be more assertive here. She knows she will keep the kids and then can use that against him if it gets contentious.
> 
> Mr Longface ... more respect for this guy. FEMDOM here.


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## Entropy3000

Conrad said:


> Entropy,
> 
> The DEFINITION of a committed spouse is one who actually cares if he/she hurts the feelings of their spouse.
> 
> Now, your spouse may need counseling to shrink their zone of sensitivity, but that's something you work on together.
> 
> You simply don't say, "I know this hurts you, LIVE WITH IT."
> 
> Or, as some have found, perhaps he won't.


I totally agree. I love my wife and I am not going to hurt her at the expense of my selfish oneness. It has to be reciprocal and for my wife and I it has been pretty equitable.

If anything it is an opportunity for the spouses to talk things out and discover what the root cause issues are for the concern.

Some spouses play a cruel game it seems. Much more selfishness, hate and resentment than any kind of love.


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## xalenfairbanks

bab123 said:


> A gal pal and I want to go out some time for a "girls night out". But I know my husband. He will say he's fine with it, but I know better. We have been married 25 years and I can read him like a book! He has an attitude shift,(its written all over his face) gets sullen, doesn't even say "have a good time" (of course he says nothing is wrong) My husband and I have gone out together plenty of times. I don't get to go out with friends very often. I just get tired of him acting like a horses rear end when it comes to this. I think the problem is that he doesn't have any guy pals himself. He doesn't think its all that important.(don't believe that one for a second). Any ideas on how to deal with this?


If you know he doesn’t like it then why would you do it anyways? You should sit down with him and explain why you would like a girl’s night and if still says he’s uncomfortable about it then don’t do it, but if he understands then do it.


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## Entropy3000

xalenfairbanks said:


> If you know he doesn’t like it then why would you do it anyways? You should sit down with him and explain why you would like a girl’s night and if still says he’s uncomfortable about it then don’t do it, but if he understands then do it.


Couples should discuss and setup agreed upon boundaries that are equitable.

Some go for a boundary of look but don't touch as a starter. So that eliminates dancing and lap dances right off the top.

Not the end all be all for all couples but a common place to start.

As someone has put it, it comes down to the husband being married but not the wife.


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