# Open marriage vs Divorce



## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

I don't know if this belongs in this thread, but here it goes...

Many people get a divorce because they're not in love with their spouse or their spouse has cheated. After the divorce is finished some of them still have sex and become good friends. 

Is their some unspoken pressure with being married and in love that goes away after a divorce? My own parents (after their divorce) are really good friends. Ironically their better friends after the divorce than they were when they were married for 12 years. 

So an Open marriage, from my understand it's just having sex with other people (and at times dating someone else or "bringing them into the bedroom"). I don't know anything about an open marriage, but from what I've seen on the forum's here the open marriage (and swingers) have great sex with their "lover" and their wife/husband". It seems to me that not creeping around helps to keep the marriage honest and avoids a divorce.

From a guys point a view, sex and penis are not connected. I can screw a girl I met at Starbucks and not care because my wife has my heart. But for women, their has to be some emotional connections before the panties come off (or a lot of liquor).

So my question to you is, educate me about an open marriage. 

Final Notes:
It's obvious my wife is in love with another man (though she's confusing it for sexual attraction, because she's admitted to me that she knows nothing about him. He knows nothing about her. They've never been on a date and it's mostly at work flirting for the past 4 months. So how the hell can that be "love"?) 

The first affair she had years ago devastated me, but I'm older and wiser now and I don't think a divorce will make life easier for us or our two small children. So what if we stayed married and have the ability to screw whomever we want.

She admits to everyone how wonderful I treat her, but I already know divorcing her will seriously effect our small children and us financially. I love her enough to be considering this (yeah I know I'm the dumbest man on earth), but I already told her that if she wants to do this:

1. Our sex life is over
2. Always wear a female condom or have him wear one
3. Don't ever say you love me, cause this is not a form of love that I'm willing to acknowledge.

In closing if you're thinking "he's only doing this to make her happy and he's in a marriage only for the sake of his kids",... then you're right. I'm the product of divorced parents, I know first hand how it feels. Especially choosing which parent you want to live with and knowing the other parent won't be their for all the little moment. I love my daughters to much to put them through that.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I could never go for the open marriage.

Divorce your wife, and find someone that respects and loves you.

She has had more than one chance. She does not have the same morals as you. But if you have the open marriage, then maybe you do.

Has she told you she would like the open marrriage? 

Divorce her, do not have a revenge affair.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I think what you're considering amounts to selling your soul. If it's "for the kids", you're placing a burden on them the size of Alaska. It's unfair to everyone.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

harrybrown said:


> I could never go for the open marriage.
> 
> Divorce your wife, and find someone that respects and loves you.
> 
> ...


Well I borught it up when she admitted the affaire with her coworker. She still says she loves me and doesn't want an open marriage. 

It seems like she still wants to screw him and have me. The thing with divorce as I've said I've witnessed how expensive and hard it is first hand. This is a very complicated thing for me because we have two small children. 

And to be honest, if I divorce her, I know I'll have a hard time trusting any woman again. so it'll just be hook up for sex and nothing else. I don't want a life like that. But I saw how it took my dad almost 6 years to get back on his feet (especially financially) after the divorce he filed because my mom had an affair. So a divorce isn't to be taken lightly.

This is also painful for me because my dad always told me "I hope you never have to go though this. The only pain that compares to what your mom did to me would be loosing one of you (meaning me or my sister) or my sibling. I know that pain very well....this is the second time I'm going through it.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Elliot,

How can you think that letting your daughters see you being walked on by a cruel WW in a loveless M is a good environment for bringing them up?

You are not 'choosing' an open M (which I personally think is OK if the parties involved are both willing and agree with it, its a free world), but instead you are desperately grasping at this in order to placate your selfish WW.

I think you would be modeling a HORRIBLE example of how to handle a selfish, cheating spouse to your children.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Nope. I'd prefer to go live in a men's shelter before choosing this. Find your sack, tell your wife to go F**K herself, and anybody else she can find. Start working towards a divorce.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I love my daughters to much to put them through that.* 


So you trade financial security and a hosts of other things for what? An open marriage. What will this teach your daughters? You think they won't know? A classsmate of mine in HS had parents that were like this. Long story but I knew them well, the kids and the parents, through kyacking and canoeing. When the story broke about them it was very embarrassing, to the kids, etc.

In the end they became church going Christians and stopped their open marriage.

I see too many down sides, especially with children.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think it's a very bad idea. You're thinking about the "best outcome" for a bad situation. 

Here's a worse (but not THE worst) outcome:

She falls in 'love' with someone else during this little adventure - maybe not this particular guy but another guy. Then she wants a divorce b/c he's jealous of you living in the same house. She's so smitten that she proceeds with the big D and where are you then? 

Worst is her seeing some drug addict/alcoholic that cleans you out or takes control of assets.Are you going to separate funds? have your own debts etc. 


Think again.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Think of how your kids will "respect" you, your wife, her boyfriends and your girlfriends when they grow up and become adults.

Open marriage for the kids? That's new.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others, and my SO and I are casual swingers. Doing it out of desperation is not a solution. And do you really think you can demonstrate to your children what a healthy marriage looks like when you won't even touch your wife? What kind of role model is that setting for them?

As far as recovering from a divorce... The sooner it's done, the sooner the healing will be done. And if you and your wife can focus on what's best for the kids, things CAN remain amicable and you can keep from giving all your money to lawyers in a futile effort to keep your money and possessions to yourself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

No birth control method is 100%. Will you still feel the same if a child is produced out of the outside relationship? How would *that* impact the children you're seeking to protect? 

You will also be having sex with every woman her lover has or will be having sex with, by this same extension. STD's? You have no way to know or ensure that he isn't having other lovers unprotected, nor will you ever be able to confirm that your wife and he are practicing safe sex. If you become ill from their behavior, how is that doing the children any good?

Thats just but one aspect of this idea you have. There a thousand others. Please give it some more thought. :/ I'm very sorry you are having to go through this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

An open marriage is where both partners agree on seeing other people while still in the marriage. It is not when one partner wants to cheat but the other doesn't.

I'm very sorry for your pain. It will be ongoing and awful if you let your WW openly have her cake and eat it, too. Don't do this to yourself and your children. Divorce is the healthier option.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I have too much respect for myself to waste a day of my life with someone who would want an open marriage.

We are naturally attracted to the love of our life. Biology wires us to find them sexually attractive. 

As for your kids - do you want them to grow up seeing being a humiliated cuckold doormat as a valid life choice?

That's what your wife is asking of you - for you to surrender your self esteem so she can get in the sack with the coworker.

My advice - post the coworker up on cheaterville. Speed dial HR and report the affair. And get yourself free of your cheating wife with the help of a good lawyer.

Oh, and seek full custody because children should not be around a woman with your wife's morals.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is the second time your going thru this and I have a feeling it won't be the last...lets face it you ain't going anywere and your old lady knows it.

From were I'm sitting your old lady would have a big problem sharing you with another women, hence the reason she wants to screw around on you but the rule doesn't apply to you screwing around on her!

Open marriage are about honesty and your old lady is far from being honest, much less respectful towards her husband and kids.

She hasn't learned her lesson the 1st time she tore your heart out and she is not about to learn her lesson this time around until she has to face a real and hard consequences for breaking her vows and lacking any real commitment.

Maybe she needs to look at her commitment issues and any other phucked up issue she might have for continuing to screw you over?

Your sir are asking for something that just ain't possible to achieve, cuz its her not you and you continue to enable her by having no consequences for her unhealthy actions.

On a side note it sound like your dad has a hell of a lot of self respect...he should be commended.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you'll find out that you've been living in a one sided open marriage for a long time now, that she's had more than just the two affairs that you know of.

Meanwhile from your other thread, I'm guessing that you don't get much or what you get is sporatic, which would indicate that you get some when her primary choice isn't available.

Have you DNA checked the kids?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

As the newly-divorced mom of a 13 year old boy, I firmly believe that how well the children handle a divorce situation is a direct product of how well the parents handle it. Remain amicable, reassure your children that although it's hard right now it will get better, that none of this is their fault, and that you both love them. Help them keep their routines as normal as possible during and after the divorce. Be available to have honest, if age-appropriate, talks with them about anything they might ask or say. Support them, love them. Get them help if they need it. 

But don't stay in a bad marriage, living a lie, trying to hide the truth, "for the kids".


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HangingOnHope said:


> No birth control method is 100%. Will you still feel the same if a child is produced out of the outside relationship? How would *that* impact the children you're seeking to protect?
> 
> You will also be having sex with every woman her lover has or will be having sex with, by this same extension. STD's? You have no way to know or ensure that he isn't having other lovers unprotected, nor will you ever be able to confirm that your wife and he are practicing safe sex. If you become ill from their behavior, how is that doing the children any good?
> 
> Thats just but one aspect of this idea you have. There a thousand others. Please give it some more thought. :/ I'm very sorry you are having to go through this.


And a damn good aspect at that!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> *I could never go for the open marriage.*
> 
> Divorce your wife, and find someone that respects and loves you.
> 
> ...


*If for no other reason, I do not want to be sharing something as beautiful and personally significant to me as my wife's body. 

When I commit to love someone, I expect a total commitment to monogamy ~ and on both of our parts!*


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

People get married for a reason; a vow and a declaration of their lifelong commitment to each other. The intent is to be faithful to each other. Otherwise, why get married in the first place.

That said, if the couple agrees to have an open marriage beforehand, fine. I think that's incredibly stupid and short sited, but that's my opinion.

But once infidelity has struck the traditional marriage, that's a different ball game. If the BS agrees to make it an open marriage to appease the WS after being cheated on and devastated, then he/she has absolutely lost all self respect for themselves. And that's sad and pathetic, in addition to being stupid.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

harrybrown said:


> Has she told you she would like the open marrriage?
> 
> .


Thats the kicker here, she doesn't want an open marriage cuz then OP would be able to get some (if he wanted) and that just doesn't sit well with his serial cheating wife.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

My mom cheated on my dad when I was six. She would cook the guy dinner and take it to him while my dad was at work. I didn't find this out until later, but it didn't ruin me. I actually can respect my dad because he didn't take it. He left. He was heart-broken of course. If you let your wife cheat, because let's admit it, it is cheating, then you're exposing your family to a lot worse things than you are trying to save.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

badmemory said:


> People get married for a reason; a vow and a declaration of their lifelong commitment to each other. The intent is to be faithful to each other. Otherwise, why get married in the first place.
> 
> That said, if the couple agrees to have an open marriage beforehand, fine. I think that's incredibly stupid and short sited, but that's my opinion.
> 
> But once infidelity has struck the traditional marriage, that's a different ball game. If the BS agrees to make it an open marriage to appease the WS after being cheated on and devastated, then he/she has absolutely lost all self respect for themselves. And that's sad and pathetic, in addition to being stupid.


Also along those line, one would suggest that an open marriage works well for a solid, health,and stable marriage...this is not the case.

Ones thinking is backwards in that he can save an already unhealthy marriage filled with lies and infidelity with an open marriage.

I think divorce...or at least filing for divorce makes a strong statement that Elliot will no longer tolorate his wifes behavior....hell it just might save the marriage in the long run.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Don't Do It!!!:scratchhead:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I'd rather be divorced than in an open marriage. But that's me.

Open marriage- why bother being married??


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

Elliott said:


> In closing if you're thinking "he's only doing this to make her happy and he's in a marriage only for the sake of his kids",... then you're right. I'm the product of divorced parents, I know first hand how it feels. Especially choosing which parent you want to live with and knowing the other parent won't be their for all the little moment. I love my daughters to much to put them through that.


I don't understand this. What would you have preferred that your parents do? Stay together and hate each other? Resent each other and eventually their kids for making them stay somewhere they're so forlornly unhappy? You honestly think that'd be a better option? :scratchhead:

I, too, am a child of divorce. I am SO FREAKING HAPPY that my mom finally left my dad. Ecstatic! Overjoyed! Seriously. It was one of the most important lessons she taught me.. ever. She said "I am worth more than this; I deserve to be happy and treated well." I took it to heart and have lived by it ever since. It's a very important thing to learn.

My parents tried to R for 5 years after my mom discovered my dad had been cheating on her. There were many days she would be sobbing in her room and my dad would have to drag me, also sobbing, from outside her door saying "mommy can't talk, she's sick/had a bad day at work/whatever other excuse he could come up with." In reality? It was his fault. I remember breaking up arguments with me standing between them, and knowing they just didn't want to be AROUND each other. I was a very unhappy child while this was all going on... kids aren't as clueless as you think. I was actually relieved when my parents separated, and not at all surprised when they said they were getting a divorce. Sad, right?

I missed my dad. I still do. But you know what?.. that's his fault, not my mom's for divorcing him. He could've moved here like he said he would; he could've tried to see me like any other dad would; he could've made me a priority.. but he didn't. It hurt, but that's because of HIS issues. I still wouldn't want my parents to be together just because of me.. how often I see him doesn't change whether or not he's a good father.

My boyfriend's parents stayed together for him and his sister. He's told me he wished that they'd just divorced and gone on with their lives, that maybe they'd be happy now. His house was not a happy place to grow up in, and instead of working to make it a good environment (even if that meant divorce from a toxic situation), they stayed together and just hated each other. He said it was horrible, and a terrible example of a relationship, too.

Please, please, please think about what you're saying. The short term looks bleak in divorce... it always does. But then... IT GETS BETTER! I can't even imagine what my life would be like if my parents were still together... or what I would be like. My mom said she waited so long to leave for me, because she didn't want to break up my family. When I got older and realized what this meant to her, it made ME feel guilty! I didn't want her to stay in a relationship like that just for me! Heck, I wasn't happy either!

That doesn't even touch on what everyone else said about open marriages and what a bad idea they are when infidelity was/is involved. Open marriages are for people who wouldn't be happy in monogamous marriages.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Open marriages are for cowards. They want the safety of Plan A while they have fun with Plan B. They are too scared to cut clean and make a fresh start. They are scared that they'll never find true awesome love. In the end, they forfeit the possibility of having a great marriage. 

Open marriage is for those that settle for crumbs, and don't have the courage to find true deep love.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I will add my voice to the overwhelming don't do it. I had an experience with an "open marriage" or a hybrid modification of it. It was one of the worst things that I have done. Our marriage is now close, but we can not undo what we done.

1. An open marriage does not bridge the distance between spouses. 
2. It destroys trust. You are opening yourself up to a world of STDs and pregnancies because protection is not 100%.
3. It breeds anger and jealousy.

There are many reasons why it doesn't work, and the above are but a few. You have children too. You will be exposing them to dangers, such as predators, confusion. Children are very impressionable, so they will think that this is normal in their own relationships when they grow up.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Elliott said:


> Well I borught it up when she admitted the affaire with her coworker. She still says she loves me and doesn't want an open marriage.


Well at least your wife is an honest cake eater.

Divorce her azz with courtesy and kindness. Be an example for your daughters.

Who's the breadwinner in the house?

(You say that the divorce will affect your kids because you experienced it first hand.. So it is OK for them to live in a "family", their mom banging another man while daddy works his bottom off? That's how you want your daughters to grow up?)


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I can see how for some people the arrangement might work. But I would work up a post-nup to protect yourself against all kinds of unexpected things. I would separate finances and have her pay half of all the expenses. I would require half of all net value today as a minimum settlement in the future if there is a divorce, or half of the value in the future, whichever is more. In other words, if she runs down the net value it comes out of her pocket.

The big thing, though, is I think your children will be exposed to danger with this arrangement. Even if we assume you are both discrete and the kids never learn of it (which I doubt), there is still the question of who are you two getting involved with and how might it blow up?

I've known people who have open marriages but are still in a good relationship with each other. This is not what you are proposing. I think you will not have a good outcome.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

Sorry man a divorce is in order here this is not acceptable.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Cut your loses. The amount of suffering you'll be going through while she banging this guys brains out will kill you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

NC is still an "at fault" state. Meaning that infidelity has a huge impact on the divorce settlement. Talk to a lawyer - you might not be as bad off as you think.

And staying "for the kids" is BS. Do you think your kids will be happy in a home where the parents obviously do not love each other? Do you want to teach them that being a slVt in a marriage is acceptable behavior?

If both divorced parents are love and support the children and are civil with each other, the kids will be happy and learn a valuable lesson - that marriage is for two people - bringing in others (call it cheating or open marriage) never turns out well.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I am a fan of open relationships and marriages. However, in this case, Elliot, I would say it's a mistake. They only work well when the core relationship is solid, trusting, and there's excellent communication. They are NOT a fix or a Band-Aid for marital problems, and usually lead to breaking up (that may happen anyway, of course). It's even rarer for one to work that started with cheating. Sometimes, they can be a remedy for a LD-HD marriage (or if one is incapable due to health reasons, for example) but only if things are great otherwise.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Speaking of children, what would you advise your son to do, if faced with a choice between an "open" marriage to a remorseless, cheating wife, or divorce?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Elliot

Your soul and children have greater value than six years after divorce or the cost of it.

Ditch the cake eater and go find a real woman.

HM


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

GTdad said:


> Speaking of children, what would you advise your son to do, if faced with a choice between an "open" marriage to a remorseless, cheating wife, or divorce?


This X infinity.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like she already considers your marriage open.

cut your losses. and in the end you will be fine.with you dignity intact.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Elliot Stop this nonsence

You are looking to hang on for the crumbs so you can stay in the same house with her.

Be a man Stand on your own two feet.

She is your wife or she is not

Your move now


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## Dimepiece (Oct 28, 2013)

She cheats on you. You stay with her. She does it again almost and you don't want to divorce her.....I would rather divorce then bring up children in a open marriage with a selfie woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

cheating isnt about sex...its about lies, deception, breaking of the vows...if there is nothing to lie about or to deceive, there is no cheating

as long as you both agree, then I am not totally against it...however be prepared to nail one chick for every 50 dudes she nails...its easier for women...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Why are you willing to settle for a half life? Sure divorce is expensive. Usually the things most worth it are. You'll end up trusting again once you realize that not all relationships end in destruction.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

For an open marriage to work You both sit down before hand

Before anyone else is introduced to the marriage and boundries and groundrules are established

Not Honey "How about I can go out and get some too"And we can still play house

Because you are not willing to stand up for yourself and your marriage


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your idea is born out of desperation. How could you live with yourself knowing the mother of your children and the woman you live with is out banging other men? What answers would you have to explain this cuckoldry to children, family and friends? You're in your own fog. You're thinking is skewed by her betrayal. You're grasping at straws, trying to drag this out as long as you can, in hope that something will change. It's time to admit this M is over and it's time for you to move on to better fields. Go talk it over with your Dad, relative or friend. If you don't have someone, go see a minister or IC.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

Rowan said:


> As the newly-divorced mom of a 13 year old boy, I firmly believe that how well the children handle a divorce situation is a direct product of how well the parents handle it. Remain amicable, reassure your children that although it's hard right now it will get better, that none of this is their fault, and that you both love them. Help them keep their routines as normal as possible during and after the divorce. Be available to have honest, if age-appropriate, talks with them about anything they might ask or say. Support them, love them. Get them help if they need it.
> 
> But don't stay in a bad marriage, living a lie, trying to hide the truth, "for the kids".


Yeah you're right, it's a bad example to my daughters.



the guy said:


> And a damn good aspect at that!





the guy said:


> Thats the kicker here, she doesn't want an open marriage cuz then OP would be able to get some (if he wanted) and that just doesn't sit well with his serial cheating wife.


That's exactly what I thought. She's plenty of times expressed how she can't handle the thought of me being with another woman. Last time this happened (years ago) my friends said cheat on her so she'll know exactly how it feels. And she'll never do it again. I didn't want to do that (even though they've done it to their wives and their wives have never cheated again). 

I kind of regret taking the high road, especially since we just had our first child. So it looks like the general idea is just divorce. It seems like those in a open marriage are not able to educated me.

Thank you everyone for slapping some sense into me. I just wish you didn't use your back hand :lol:


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Yep! Sorry dude. But, she's got your number. She already did you wrong once and you still stayed. Now, she knows that you have the "It's cheaper to keep her" attitude and she's making you her cuckold.

Time to end this sham of a marriage.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

I've already been in contact with divorce lawyers for the past two weeks. I just been hesitant to go through with it. 

Of course they were very helpful to me (*they want that money*).


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## GingerAle (Oct 13, 2013)

As so many others have pointed out, your girls will see right through this "union". Not a good example of a functional home. It's time to figure out how to divorce. You have an obligation to protect your girls from this type of disfunction. 

GINGER


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

GingerAle said:


> As so many others have pointed out, your girls will see right through this "union". Not a good example of a functional home. It's time to figure out how to divorce. You have an obligation to protect your girls from this type of disfunction.
> 
> GINGER


Yes I do ginger...again, I've been on the other side of divorce (when my parents went through it). My sister called off her engagement because the fear of things "not working out" and divorcing was to much for her to handle. Which shocked me because her fiancee did 2 tours in Iraq and my sister was at every meeting for the "soldiers wives". She was the example of a soldiers wife. But when he got back and 10 months later she called off the engagement. I thought it was strange that she fought through 2 tours of Iraq but couldn't handle the possibility of a "failed marriage". I guess it was because of our parents divorce, those feelings still linger especially since she was a "daddy's girl".

Now here I am,...after a second affair having divorce shivers. I tell you, that divorce thing is a *****...it's like a double edged sword. Though you gain your "respect" and a million other things, it comes with a price. Everything has a price I guess.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Elliott said:


> Well I borught it up when she admitted the affaire with her coworker. She still says she loves me and doesn't want an open marriage.
> QUOTE]
> 
> Got news for you friend. Your already in a open marriage. She open for the next guy to come around and you sitting on your hands twittleing your thumbs waiting for her to bring her tired ass home.
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Give your wife what she needs for a perfect Christmas gift

*A Divorce!*


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

OP: I can't see any consequences for her actions. Where are they?

Also where are the marriage boundaries? If any?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I couldn't live in an open marriage no matter how much I love my spouse. Once they cross that line, we would be done! I've walked away before due to indefinitely. 

I'd much rather live alone then with someone I can not even trust. I would never stay for the sake of children. I had a small child from my first marriage in which my current husband helped raise into adulthood. I couldn't of asked for a better role model as a father and husband for my children. Trust is very important to me in a marriage as well as being together as a family.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

There is nothing that says you have to divorce or have an open marriage. IF, she is remorseful for the her actions and through counseling you may be able to establish boundaries and reconcile this marriage. 

I can't help you with you original question as I have never seen an open relationship work well. They never seem to fix the problems, just complicate them even more and end in divorce or reverse of the open status. 

As for the children, it will teach them bad behaviors that will carry over into there relationship. The only thing worse for the children than being from a broken home, is living in a broken home. You and your wife need to have some very serious conversations to either put all your efforts into reclaiming your relationship, or how to coparent as ex's.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

VFW said:


> There is nothing that says you have to divorce or have an open marriage. IF, she is remorseful for the her actions and through counseling you may be able to establish boundaries and reconcile this marriage.
> 
> I can't help you with you original question as I have never seen an open relationship work well. They never seem to fix the problems, just complicate them even more and end in divorce or reverse of the open status.
> 
> As for the children, it will teach them bad behaviors that will carry over into there relationship. The only thing worse for the children than being from a broken home, is living in a broken home. You and your wife need to have some very serious conversations to either put all your efforts into reclaiming your relationship, or how to coparent as ex's.


Yes I have marriage counselors scheduled. You're the first one to recommend that. 

So while I'm talking to a law firm, I'll also be doing the marriage counseling at the same time. But her in North Carolina, you have to be separated for a whole 12 months before even filling. So this isn't going to be a quick thing. It'll take almost the next 2 years of my life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Give your wife what she needs for a perfect Christmas gift
> 
> *A Divorce!*


* :iagree: In the case of my XW, it's the gift that just keeps on giving!*


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Use the two years to regain your self-esteem. Make a goal to either learn some new skill, achieve a worthy self-improvement or financial goal and dedicate your time in doing just that. 

If you stay true to YOURSELF and your kids and deal with her only in matters that directly affect the kids, my guess is that she'll be on her knees begging you to take her back by the end of that time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> It is not when one partner *wants to cheat but the other doesn't.*


Wow, two threads and two different misconceptions about open marriages. Good post.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Isn't North Carolina hard on cheaters?

Posters have tried this before. What's really going on is she's taking the om for a test drive. If it works out you will be on the trash heap anyway.

Worse yet is she's a serial cheater. Personality disorder. She can't be fixed.

You can expose the affair, break them up, but she will have to do it again in all likely hood.

Good luck to you and your children. Your wife needs more.........a miracle.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sir, you are sitting around thinking about how long to keep going n the marriage, when it's already over.

Your wife is having sex with another man.

She's let the marriage by her own choice.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Elliot,

If you do not demonstrate you are completely unwilling to accept her behavior by taking steps to show her you are moving to end the M, she is going to eat you alive going forward.

She probably already believes you are too terrified to leave the M, hence she has no fear of cheating on you. She knows your family history and your feelings on your parent's D.

She is counting on the fact that you will never leave under any circumstances.

You have to shatter that belief on her part.

File for D.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

my son was 9 months old when me and the ex divorced. i was a single dad paying all the bills i managed my son is now a normal 9 year old without a care in the world with 2 differnt households. dont use the im thinking about my young kids excuse you are only thinking about you!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Elliot, let me ask you a question. Have you cheated on your wife?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Elliott said:


> Well I borught it up when she admitted the affaire with her coworker. She still says she loves me and doesn't want an open marriage.
> 
> It seems like she still wants to screw him and have me.


my God, what a horrible thing to do to a Spouse, so, she suggested you to let her have her affair but at the same time you have to remain loyal to her.

Then everyone wins but you, she have the thril of sex out of the maariage, the OM bang a other man's woman without repercution, and you stay at home having mind movies

I am sorry for you, I really do, i can't even imagine hearing those words from the person who was supposed to be your life partner, and I ca't imagine why if she say she loves you and saw the desbastation that the last affair caused you the last time, why would she do this again to you again?.

I have never suggested a Revenge affair as solution but maybe you need to go out there and have a ONS to empower yourself and detach from your wife, and maybe make her understand what cruel thing she is doing to you for second time even knowing your past with your parents


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

of course I am suggesting this because I am sure that there is no other option left but divorce, reconcilation with a person with this kind of character is impossible


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I am sorry your wife is so selfish. I hope she has not had more affairs than the two you know about.

I am glad that you are finally standing up for yourself and your children by filing for divorce.

I do think that MC is a waste of money while your spouse is in the affair fog. She has not shown remorse, she is still in contact, still cheating and she has not faced any consequences.

I do like the posting of the cheating couple on cheaterville. Your wife keeps stabbing you in the back. You need to go to war to defend yourself. Talk to her HR at work. Is the OM married? Tell his spouse. Tell your family, and tell her family. Cheating thrives in secret. 

I do wish you happiness in the future, but start respecting yourself. Your wife does not love you, she does not respect you. She keeps cheating on you. Does she have any stds?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You have two options to live your life,

1.Life of a cuckold (Do you think your daughters will be happy to know that their father is a cuckold)

2.Life of a self respectful man ( Your daughters will definitely love to have a self respectful man as their father)

Its your life, your choice to live your life.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

GTdad said:


> I think what you're considering amounts to selling your soul. If it's "for the kids", you're placing a burden on them the size of Alaska. It's unfair to everyone.


Tell me about.

somewhere during my 40s, my parents started hassling me about "all that money" that they spent on me whether directly on my education or travel (which is part of education).

They hassled me so much about money that they had spent on me, I really started wondering if they had expected me to pay rent while living in their house as a teenager.

Be honest with yourself. There may come a day when you might start hassling your children for the sacrifices that _you believed_ that you were making for them.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

I understand wanting to keep a relationship together for your child/children and to do everything within your ability to save the relationship. But you are also modelling how partners in a relationship should treat each other for your child to learn to recreate as an adult. If you can't be a happy, contented person in a relationship and you can't model respectful behavior for your child, is it of more benefit to keep the relationship together at the cost of your child having a parent who is a shell of the person he/she should be? The only situation I can see staying under those circumstances would be where you fear leaving would jeopardize your child's health or safety in some way.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Elliott said:


> I've already been in contact with divorce lawyers for the past two weeks. I just been hesitant to go through with it.
> 
> Of course they were very helpful to me (*they want that money*).


hey Elliot, any update on how this all worked out?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your situation isn't all that unique...one partner gets bored and wants to screw other people...'pretending' it's love, and still want to keep the lifestyle he/she has. lol 

Kids only crumble after divorce, when the parents use their kids to get at each other, or they don't spend enough time equally, quality time...showing their kids love and attention. There's no reason to remain in a crappy marriage because you think this will keep your kids' well being 'in tact.'

I think ideally, kids do best in loving homes, where the parents stay together, BUT...also love each other. Kids staying together in a sham of a marriage, doesn't teach them too much, really. Except that when you get tired of your spouse, you can go eff other people and call it a day. Doubtful that's the message you wish for them to have.

I think your wife is a jerk, and if you stay with her, you're only going to feel badly about yourself. I'd consider divorce. Good luck to you, whatever you choose. ((hug))


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

very old old thread.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Get out now!!! Run!!! Run!!! Run!!!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Augusto, I imagine by now his old lady has screw upward of a half dozen guys. If he ain't out by now, somethings wrong with the old boy.


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