# Update: Cyber Affair



## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

My WW has been talking to a few guys from her dating site.
They have progressed to chat messenger...
cybersex talk, exchanging pics...

She has sent pics of her in lingerie &
close ups of her v_gina, nipple, etc

This has been going on for the past 3-4 weeks.


Then last night I got a text from her.

It doesn't look like I will be able to get a travel position until late Oct or Nov. Would you be willing to move back in and co-habitate, if needed, until I get a travel assignment?? I will be moving to nights in about a 3-4 weeks. We wouldn't see much of each other that way...if that's what you would want. I figure we could work on building a friendship in that time too. Think about it....I think it would be difficult, but maybe easier at the same time. You know I love you. I hate that you're in a hotel right now. It might work better to have you at home. It's just an idea. My options are very limited with having Leah...I can't live at my parents house. I can only live in an apartment or our house. I plan on having Maisey put down some time before I travel. Like I said...just think about it.

Love, Susan 





Well, I have been snooping on her. She is still engaged in talking to guys via chat, etc.

I've read some of her previous correspondance. She says that she is no longer in love with me....that she didnt love me enough to have a child with...etc.


My thought is that now that she is having to pay the full house mortgage, she is seeing how hard it is.
She wants me back so that I help pay it until she can leave.


---------------

I have a persona that I have messaging back & forth with her.
We've cybersexed a few times.
My persona sent her a message this morning saying "hey I am in town for a job. Let me know if you want to meet up"

She responded back
"Oh really?? I'm at work today....won't get off until 7:30"

"How long are you staying?? I have to work tomorrow too..."





Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"Why can't we go back to where I eat all the cake I want?!!"


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Yep. I think she could have reworded her text as, "Please send cash."


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so why the cloak and dagger stuff about setting her to meet?

just file and move one


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

The persona was used to see how far she would go.
She has so far, gone pretty far.

If she decides to meet up at a hotel, I'll be there to confront her.
Saying that the plan is for her to pay for half the mortgage each month when she gets her travel job. She either agrees to this, or I will let everyone she knows what is going on...the dating site, cybersex, pics, etc.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

That's one way of getting evidence...


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

Ya know what pisses me off the most? They think that just because it's all on the computer, it doesn't matter! Like it doesn't hurt just as bad!
I am so sick to my stomach. I'm sorry.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Are you still contemplating reconciliation?


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

This is her email:

Oh, ok. I was saying until I figure out what I'm doing with traveling, I think I would rather have you come home. It looks like I won't be able to get a travel assignment until late Oct or Nov. I want to work on being friends. I will be on nights in about a month, so we might not see each other much. I just don't know what I'm doing right now...its just overwhelming and I can't move anywhere with Leah except an apartment. I don't know what this will mean in the long run, I just know I hate you being at a hotel. I think it would be better for you to be home....it will probably be hard, but it might be easier at the same time. I'm not saying I want to get back together, but I think we should try co-habitating. Think about it and let me know what you think.

Love, Susan 


She isn't saying that she wants to get back together...just co-habitate.

I don't know if I should try reconciling at all. She is still on the dating site & still texting all these different men. She has no idea that I know she is doing this.

It makes me wonder what her true motives are.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

babysitter and money


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> babysitter and money


:iagree:

She needs a live in babysitter and someone to help pay the bills. We have yet another classic cake eater here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wonder if she'll ask you to watch the kid so she can go meet you


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Her true motives are evidently to use as many people as possible. There is no boundary on that either. 

Run man, run.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

jeff_r said:


> This is her email:
> 
> Oh, ok. I was saying until I figure out what I'm doing with traveling, I think I would rather have you come home. It looks like I won't be able to get a travel assignment until late Oct or Nov. I want to work on being friends. I will be on nights in about a month, so we might not see each other much. I just don't know what I'm doing right now...its just overwhelming and I can't move anywhere with Leah except an apartment. I don't know what this will mean in the long run, I just know I hate you being at a hotel. I think it would be better for you to be home....it will probably be hard, but it might be easier at the same time. I'm not saying I want to get back together, but I think we should try co-habitating. Think about it and let me know what you think.
> 
> ...


I wish I had a picture of an Ostrich with it's head in the sand. "I don't know if I should try reconciling at all." I really hope you are kidding. She has no interest in reconciliation. She is making plans to leave and just want to make it easier on herself. There is no reconciliation possible under present circumstances.

"It makes me wonder what her true motives are." Again, really? She is leaving the marriage. No question. She is playing nice until she gets out of town. That's it. No hidden agenda. She is very plain in what she is going to do.

Stop the spying. You have enough already to know what she is planning - you just refuse to see it. She is set in her plan. She is not going to change. You seem to be obsessive about what she is doing, thinking and planning. Knock it off. Now you are causing yourself unnecessary anguish. 

TALK TO A LAWYER.


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## Greg40 (Aug 11, 2012)

Sorry to be blunt, but she's a liar, cheat and cake eater.

She doesn't care about you or your feelings and has outright said she doesn't want to R. What with the friends h0rse5hit ? 

Don't let her play you this way. Do you really want to move back to help subsidise her selfish choices ?

Because ultimately, thats all you'll be doing......she's out man.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Jeff, this is not a quality human being that you're dealing with. That email isn't about her concern for YOU- it's about her concern for herself.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

I know....she is gone.

Yes this has been torture for me to see what she is writing to these other guys.

I'm trying to get her to agree on how we will handle the house mortgage until we sell. She just wants to pay 25% of it while she is living away in a free place to live.

I don't even know if I could handle the co-habitation.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

jeff_r said:


> Yes this has been torture for me to see what she is writing to these other guys.


which is what i was getting at, don't you have enough now to just detach instead and start the D?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I know....she is gone.
> 
> Yes this has been torture for me to see what she is writing to these other guys.
> 
> ...


I would stay the heck away as she is a user of people its easy to see. Work and take care of yourself find some new hobbies and start exercising and talk to a attorney and be all means dont let her suck you back in.


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## Greg40 (Aug 11, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I know....she is gone.
> 
> Yes this has been torture for me to see what she is writing to these other guys.
> 
> ...


Stop reading it, you know its going on, you know reading even more is going to hurt you. You can't deal with what you know if you keep adding to it.

Mortgage wise, are you both on the mortgage ? is your house underwater ? 

Naturally, she needs to pay 50%. I would suspect (and you might need to do a little research here) is that her only option is to not pay, the house goes into foreclosure and both of your credit gets ruined.

Thats a long way away of course but have a plan for a worse case scenario.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Normally I am in the camp of "leave no stone unturned" to make a marriage work but this one seems to be circling the drain my friend. No remorse, no desire to change and no interest in maintaining any kind of relationship with you except the use you to make her life convenient. 

Living in the same house would be _beyond_torture. There would be no benefit to you mentally or physically. I really think you should end the "persona" act you have going on with the online thing as well, you have more than enough proof at this point and you are torturing yourself for no reason. This woman is damaged beyond repair and you deserve way more than this. 

Do you want a new start or want to keep playing this same old record over and over?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Things were so much better when she could have all the cake... Good old times! For her, that is...


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

UPDATE 9/4/12

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2657694&page=1


My Wayward Wife (WW) sent me an email last week asking that I move back home, that she missed me & still loved me. She also said that it didnt mean that we were getting back together.
But basically, she needed help paying the mortgage for the house.

I then decide to make an appt with a counselor & I invite her to join me. After I get there, she shows up too.
We talk with the counselor about what has happened. 
She admits that she had "innappropriate texts" with a guy she knows from facebook.
I know from reading those texts, that is was way more than that. It included phone calls, video calls, etc...They masturbated together via video, etc.


Ok. So the counselor says that we can work on things.... That we need to exclude any opposite sex connections. She agress.

Our counselor appt was on Thursday evening. We talk via messenger chat that night for a few hours. We talk about what she needs for me to change, and about us moving away & starting over in a bigger city.

Friday night, we went out to dinner & came back home. She cries for about 30 minutes or so....I held her during....she says "sorry" to me.

Saturday, she sees a commercial for a mattress store & we go check it out on Sunday. We go shopping for groceries & other household items.

Sunday & Monday - We go to the bed store & she falls in love with a $6000 mattress. She wants a new one b/c of her back pain.


-------------------------------

Well my WW has been on 3 or 4 dating sites since I found out about her "innappropriate texts". She signed up at the dating sites 2 weeks after I left our house.

These dating sites send emails out whenever one gets a message or interest from someone else.

So far, from my snooping since the counselors appt, she has read the emails that deal with the dating sites. The rest of her emails from JCPenny, Phone Bill, etc go unread.
I would guess that she has supposedly gone to the dating website to look at the profiles of who sent them to her.
Also since the counselor appt, she has not sent any email messages or yahoo messenger chats to any of these guys she met on the dating site either.

So it appears that she is trying to abide by the counselors wishes.

-----------------------

This morning, I snoop on her & see that she has forwarded an email to herself at a gmail account. I think this is odd.
She is forwarding an email from the "inappropriate texts" guy that she received this morning from him.

He sent this to her this morning.
"I hope all is well with you. Sucks to be forgotten about already but it's completely understandable. I needed a few days to wrap my head around everything. I hope everything does change how you need it to. I'm still hurt but I will get over it eventually. Just stayed drunk all weekend. It just hurt alot when I was waiting for the train and you didn't call, then I remembered everything. You will always have a piece of my heart. Have a great day. James"

From what I gather, she has been calling him every morning before she goes off to work at 6:45am or so.

Her response is this:

James, I am sooo sorry for the way this has all happened. I cried...no, I bawled my eyes out all Friday night...for hurting you...missing you. I was very close to calling you this morning, but didn't think you'd want to hear from me, plus I didn't want to be a mess coming into work today. I think about you all the time. I wish I could see you making goofy faces for me again. . I hate that you stayed drunk all weekend...I'm sorry. I'm resentful that I can't keep you as a friend. You will always be a friend to me. I miss you. I'd like to check in every now and then by gmail...I want to know how you're doing. I do love you...you're a wonderful person. I could go on and on, but I need to get back to work...

Hope to hear from you,
Susan 


He responses back:

"You can message when ever. What hurt the most this weekend was yesterday when I logged on Skype to talk to my sister and saw your pic and that you deleted your status. That stung alot. I know it was needed to be done. Well break is over work is hectic. You have a great day. James"

----------------------------------


So I guess the crying wasn't for me after all. 

I made a dating site persona so I could contact my WW & see what the real truth was about me,us & what went on.

While using my dating site persona & asked her about her affair. She said that it was over & that the guy was annoying. He wasn't her type, etc.

I can't figure her out. She cheats on me with a guy that she got reacquainted with from facebook. 
She then signs up (pays for a membership to one) to 3 dating sites. She talks to several guy on there....sending them pics of her in lingerie, close ups of her v_gina, etc. 
She also engages in cyber sex talk with a few of the guys. 



I wondering what is the real truth. 
I am going to reveal to the counselor the email exchange above & see what he says. I really think she needs some sort of psychological treatment.
I have no clue what this woman is right now. My family is wanting me to divorce her right now. I am going to try to endure for another month or so.

I've texted a few times today & have talked to her on the phone while she is at work. Small talk, figuring out what type of pizza she wants for tonight.

This weekend we are planning to going to Atlanta to look for places to live, figure out the neighborhoods, etc.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I think that, if you stick it out for another month, you will be just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Well I am trying to give her a chance.
I know she has issues with all that has happened.

I'm trying to get myself to a place where I know that I tried everything. Then hopefully I can get some emotional distance from her at the same time. I'll be basically acting.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is fishing for another man. The last guy didn't work out, nor did her pan to run off traveling for work,

So your back and paying while sheer groups and sends out feelers for better guys.

Your days are numbered until she lands the bigger fish and she is fishing.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

jeff_r said:


> UPDATE 9/4/12
> 
> Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us - Marriage Builders® Forums
> 
> ...


Ok. Enough is enough! Why in heck would you be seeing a counselor? This woman is playing you and the other guys to the hilt. FInd you testicles, file for D and move on! She is a lieing, using, piece of excrement. Find you self-respect and cut her off.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Sounds like she is on to how you monitor her and has moved it all elsewhere. Also she just plays the game and still uses you for financial help etc until she is ready to leave. Don't buy her anything!!


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Just keep buying her more expensive items. What better reward?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

A $6000 MATTRESS!!!!!! REALLY and help her pay the mortgage......

Man she is good at pulling your strings. And you must really love her alot. Lucky her, sucks for you in this situation.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You are actually considering a move to another city with this woman ??

Truthfully,, you seem obsessed with her instead of in love.

Why do you think they call it HOTLANTA.

Man get a clue. Once she is set up there, you are toast.

PLZ tell me why you don't love and respect yourself ???

She already kicked you out of one house, bet she kick you out f the new apartment once she have you help pay to move in and set it up.

You want to know what her game is, thats it.
she needs you to help with the move and getting a place.

Just think, someone else will be sleeping on that 6g mattress you bought and move there for them.

Man you will be back here after the move and she has settled telling us you was kicked out again. Only this time you won't have family there to help you.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Jeff, as Charlie Brown would say, "GOOD GRIEF!!" This woman is looking at you as a cash cow, and she's just waiting to butcher you. She has absolutely no boundaries. Get out of Dodge while you still can.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Well I am trying to give her a chance.
> I know she has issues with all that has happened.
> 
> I'm trying to get myself to a place where I know that I tried everything. Then hopefully I can get some emotional distance from her at the same time. I'll be basically acting.


You've already tried everything. Once you feel the need to "act", you have exhausted all realistic efforts. At this point in time, you have given all the chances she should be given, and she is not remorseful or willing to repair the damage she has created. She is merely using you.

Stop allowing her to use you. Close the door. Let her sink or swim on her own merits. She created the problem, give her the burden of fixing the problem should she so choose. Stop enabling her to continue to hurt you. Tough love.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Oh I understand. I appreciate the responses.

From her email to this OM, it does sound like she is ending it with him.
The problem I have is that she states that she will check on him via this other email account every once in a while. This isnt really No Contact though.

She has stopped sending out any messages via yahoo messenger as far as I can tell to this other guys she met on the dating site.
If she is doing this another way, then I have no idea how.

The part that still bothers me though, is that she has a pattern lock on her smart phone. Back a few months a ago, when things were different, she didnt have this.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

jeff_r said:


> Oh I understand. I appreciate the responses.
> 
> From her email to this OM, it does sound like she is ending it with him.
> The problem I have is that she states that she will check on him via this other email account every once in a while. This isnt really No Contact though.
> ...


So the lock on her phone is the only thing that still bothers you?????

Reality check - she is playing nice until she gets on board with a traveling nurse job. She obviously is still playing you (going to keep in contact with James who she loves and misses). As soon as she get her finances settled, either you or her will be gone again.

She has a plan while you have nothing and you are just coasting through life hoping that she has changed, hoping things will be different, hoping to avoid any conflict. Soon you will be wondering how she could have been so nice and still screw you over - again. As soon as she nails down that traveling job she will be gone, leaving you with yet another pile of debt. For now, her plan is for you to help fund her life style until the job develops.

I have a friend whose daughter just got into the traveling nurse thing in March of this year. She is making her third move this week. A great life and great pay for a single girl, but guaranteed death to a marriage.

Good luck - you are going to need it.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Oh I understand. I appreciate the responses.
> 
> From her email to this OM, it does sound like she is ending it with him.
> *The problem I have is that she states that she will check on him via this other email account every once in a while. This isnt really No Contact though.
> ...


You are correct. Checking up on him "later" (when the coast is clear) is not being in no contact. It merely means that when she is confident that you are no longer checking on her, she will get back with him and continue the relationship. It isn't over.

If she still has a lock on her smart phone, then she has contact with OM without your knowledge. In other words, she is not transparent nor remorseful enough to cut ties.

The thing of it is, you will probably need to demand and enforce transparency in all things until you are sure that she truly is back in the marriage if you (and her) wish to continue the marriage. Any resistance on her part will send you the message that she is not into repairing the damaging she has done to the marriage and you can proceed from there as to what to do next.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jeff_r said:


> We talk about what she needs for me to change, and about us moving away & starting over in a bigger city.


You are nowhere near ready for that step. Moving to a new city comes after she gives you complete transparency, goes complete no-contact with all other men, and works her ass off to reassure you that she is committed to your marriage. It will take months at a minimum. Right now, you have none of that.



jeff_r said:


> Sunday & Monday - We go to the bed store & she falls in love with a $6000 mattress. She wants a new one b/c of her back pain.


This is known at the "farewell tour." She gets you to spend lots of money on her before she hits the door. I'm sure her next boyfriend will appreciate the new mattress. Boob jobs are another common expense for men just before they get served with divorce papers. And they are also appreciated by the new boyfriends.



jeff_r said:


> Also since the counselor appt, she has not sent any email messages or yahoo messenger chats to any of these guys she met on the dating site either.


I guess that's something. She's still reading the emails, of course. She's just not replying to any of them. That you know about.



jeff_r said:


> So it appears that she is trying to abide by the counselors wishes.


In kind of a half-assed way, sure.



jeff_r said:


> I wondering what is the real truth.


To find the real truth, you need to pay attention to her actions and ignore her words. Words are very easy to change. Actions are harder. Her actions tell you that several men have seen her naked. Her actions have betrayed you. Her actions tell you that she is reluctant to end contact with other men. Her actions also tell you that she is continuing to indirectly play the field. And she's willing to pay to do it using money that could be going to pay the mortgage.



jeff_r said:


> This weekend we are planning to going to Atlanta to look for places to live, figure out the neighborhoods, etc.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

I know, I am just in thinking mode right now.

If I leave her, I don't know if I can create the emotional distance.


Someone has mentioned before that she has always been this way...
Yeah she has. I see her old messages before we met, they all deal with the same dating site that she has been using. Even used the same handle name. Same thing, multiple guys are talking to her. She sends pics of her (clothed). One guy sent her a pic of his erect privates....she thought it was funny & forwarded to a girlfriend.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jeff_r said:


> I know, I am just in thinking mode right now.


Good. Better to sound things out here than just fly by the seat of your pants. Or worse, let her decide on the course of action.



jeff_r said:


> If I leave her, I don't know if I can create the emotional distance.


What will not create emotional distance is discussing future plans, like moving, and buying big ticket items meant to be used for many years. Creating emotional distance means going to the ballgame with your buddies and leaving her at home.

Good luck.


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