# Married young and feeling some regret



## wymiheart (Jul 15, 2017)

I'm 21 years old and married to a great guy. We met in high school, but didn't start dating until a few years after. We started dating and had so much fun together. I have been in emotionally/mentally abusive relationships in the past, so it was a relief to be with someone who finally treated me well!
We got engaged after 5 months of dating and got married almost a year later. At this point currently, we have only been together for 2 years, married for 7 months of that. He's a great guy, with a slight drinking problem, but he is good to me. Here's the kicker:

There is a guy that I dated on and off between my not-so-great ex's and my many breakups. We were perfect together, however, I knew it wouldn't work until my head was on straight. I let go of my ex--finally!--, and began a relationship with the great guy who was always there for me (we will call him "K"). The connection that K and I had was like nothing I've ever experienced; we were crazy about each other, had AMAZING chemistry in the bedroom, and I was so incredibly happy with him ... Until he moved back to his home state. While I wanted to go with him, I was in college and I broke things off.

When my husband and I met. I felt anxious at the beginning, knowing I still had things to work on with myself and my feelings for K, but I felt confident that I would get through them and hoped my feelings for K would fade.
Seemed like a great plan! From the start, I would lie awake thinking of K, wonder if I should go through with my marriage, and ask myself if this is what I really want. I was panicking before my wedding about the decision, but my husband reminding me of how much he loves me and how grateful he is to have me. I felt the same, but I've felt deeper love with K than I have with my husband...

I went ahead with my wedding, in fear of hurting my husband and making the wrong decision in the long run (What if K and I didn't work out, and then I've ruined a relationship with a great guy because of over-thinking). I recently reached out to K, wondering if the feeling is mutual, and he acknowledged that the feelings are mutual. He expressed regret for letting me go, even though it was me who made the decision, and let me know that he is going to stop interacting with me so that I can have the time and space to make my own decision.

So here I am, married at 21, and in love with someone else. I realize that this seems a little silly, considering the fact that both guys are great and I still have an issue. I also realize that this forum may not be the place to find an answer, but I thought that talking about it may help! Any advice is appreciated!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell your husband you are in love with someone else. He deserves better no one deserves to be plan b for there entire life, hopefully he will be strong enough to divorce you. You are way to young to be married.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Welcome to TAM.

K needs to go away. I'm so sorry. I really am. But you are with some one who loves you and you love him. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't have married him. Take your happiest memories of K, tuck them up into a tiny corner in the back of your mind, and forget all the rest. Every once in a great while, dust off the cobb webs, have a good smile, and tuck the memory way back in. But that's it. Other that that, K needs to go away completely. But that's alright...

Your memories of K are all skewed to the positive. The length of time you were with K was entirely in the passion phase of a relationship. The sex was hot. There were no arguments. You longed to see each other whenever apart. Thought about & texted each other constantly. The sex was hot. And the parting of ways left you longing for more...

You have been with your husband for a long time. You've seen him at his best and at his worst - and your memories aren't nearly so sugarcoated as those of K. You've had arguments with your husband. Parted ways grumbling, only to return to the silent treatment. You've ignored each other's texts at times. Even had bad sex. But your husband has also seen you at your best and at your worst. You've been together and loyal to each other for a long time. He's remembered your birthday. Made you smile. Treated you right. You made a commitment and now you're married to a good person. 

Who knows what K would be like after almost 3 years together. You've been in enough relationships to know that that level of passion wouldn't have lasted. Little annoying quirks that somehow turn you on at first become SUPER annoying at about month 7. But don't let thoughts of what might have been taint the memories you had or the relationship that you currently have. Tuck K away in your mind, never acknowledge any communication from him, move on with your life with your husband, and be happy. 


Take care


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## wymiheart (Jul 15, 2017)

@Edo Edo

Thank you so much for your advice. It was very insightful and refreshed my clouded perspective. I'm overwhelmed with changes in my life at the moment, and it helps to ne reassured that everything is the way it should be. Thank you again.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you cannot come to peace about not being with K, you have no choice but to leave your husband. You're still quite young and you have had what sounds like pretty bad experiences with some men. That has likely been a very large influence on your perceptions of both K and your husband.

First things first then. You either love your husband with all your heart or you should leave him. It is not fair to him to believe that you do love him completely. It is unfair for you to use him for security. The amount of hurt he will endure will be immense when he finds out (not if, but when he finds out) you have been secretly keeping a love and lust alive for K.

It sounds like you have made a common kind of choice, where you selected a good man with many good attributes, but you just don't have that passion for him. If this is true, you are using him. That's not a good thing.

Your descriptions of your relationship with K may be accurate, but they will become more and more delusional. You will start adding to the positives while forgetting any negatives. It will take on a mythical quality. This will kill your ability to have an openly honest relationship with your husband. You'll always have this secret you're keeping from him. Your husband will be competing with this superhero in your mind that he doesn't even know about, and that is a recipe for failure in the marriage.

So, you really need to decide in your heart to flush your feelings for K. You'll have to come to know K's place was brief and in the past. The memories should come up infrequently. 

Unfinished business with an ex is a marriage killer. It is also a very big threat to your fidelity. If K shows up again in a few years and you still have these feelings for him, you will be very vulnerable.

No man wants to be Plan B. No man wants to be less lusted after or less loved than one of his wife's ex-bf's. You two married young, and maybe it wasn't for the right reasons. Either get your feelings truly straightened out or end the marriage. A therapist may be of help for you to make sense of things.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Look up the term "alpha widow."


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Look up the term "alpha widow."


Never heard the term before but sure have seen it. It kills marriages.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a messy situation.

The problem with your relationship with K is that it was never tested, so the K you dream of might never, actually, have existed.

Counselling might help, I feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date K?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I met my wife when I was 20 and got engage in three weeks and married in 8 months. I did have regrets but also has a lot of sex with women before I got married. However, to make a very long story short, we got into groups sex, wife swapping, threesomes with other women and finally forming a poly triad with my wife's best girlfriend. Both girls turned out to be secretly bi so good for me. I no longer have any regrets since I lived with two hot bi women for 30 years. Threesomes were our normal nightly sex and both girls would try any fetish I asked them to try. Surprisingly we are not trailer trash. I hold a high level corporate job and was once one the the best in my business until I change careers. So things can work out if you have the right wife.


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## Angel01 (Dec 8, 2015)

Vinnydee said:


> I met my wife when I was 20 and got engage in three weeks and married in 8 months. I did have regrets but also has a lot of sex with women before I got married. However, to make a very long story short, we got into groups sex, wife swapping, threesomes with other women and finally forming a poly triad with my wife's best girlfriend. Both girls turned out to be secretly bi so good for me. I no longer have any regrets since I lived with two hot bi women for 30 years. Threesomes were our normal nightly sex and both girls would try any fetish I asked them to try. Surprisingly we are not trailer trash. I hold a high level corporate job and was once one the the best in my business until I change careers. So things can work out if you have the right wife.








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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Edo Edo said:


> If you didn't love him, you wouldn't have married him.


Well, that's not necessarily true, unfortunately.


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