# Wife wants her cake and eat it too



## Alaskaguy

I'm new here and need some advice. But I need to layout our story first. My wife(28) and I(30) have been together for 7 years, married for just over 2. Shes always been very driven and independent since she moved out when she was 16. A thrill seeker, professional snowboarding as a kid, trained sled dogs, a bush plane pilot, the works. Really willing to slum it up to get what she wants, living in dry cabins in winters is tough. But also spoiled growing up having come from a rich family. We live in alaska so we've always had to chase each other through out the state for work since we've been togther. Gota go were the work is in order to pay the bills so to say. I've never had a problem with it because I grew up that way with my parents (they didn't have a lot and had to work hard for everything to provide) and my wife has grown used to it. It has caused us to basicly have separate lives through out our entire relationship. It was like putting our relationship on hold when we were gone and starting it back up when we were togther. Some things just got swept under the rug because of it. Sure we try to make each other priority about talking and spending time together when we could. It was like a vaction every couple of weeks. I even got a full time job in a town while she worked shift work so we could have a permit home. But since covid shes had to give up her job and stay home permanently working a unfulfilling job. This has caused a identity crisis for her. Work for her is boring and the home live has become stale. We both kind of gave up in a way. I took her for granted and didn't put a lot of effort in our marriage because I just grind away at life when things get tough. That's what marriage is about right?
A couple of months ago I caught her having an emotional affair with another a coworker (over her phone because he's no longer in the state). It started innocent enough but worked up to sexting. I called her out on it and she hasn't given him up. Now she wants to experiment and try having a open relationship because one of her friends just got into it. I've been fighting with her over this since then. She wants me to try new things because she isnt sure what she wants, be it a threesome with another woman or for me to have a one night stand with another woman or even a girlfriend. I broke down and got a tinder a few days ago(shes the one that set it up actually and wants me to start talking to other women to see what its like) because it's been months of a stalemate and I wanted a compromise. We've really improved on our communication but cant come to a agreement. I've asked her why shed would want to risk everything we have over this. She says she needs to find herself and wants her freedom back. Just to have the option to sleep with other people. I'm usually very open minded and understand the wants and needs of people because hey were all just complex animals with desires. I'm so full of rage and jealousy, I dont want to loose her but I dont want to share her. Last night she told me she wants both of us. To have her cake and eat it too. He fills her with what I cant provide(whatever that is). I love her and we've been through a lot together. I know shes only human and I haven't always been good to her(I've admmited it to her and accepted full responsibility for it). Ive come to terms about my short falls and have been working on them, being emotionally shut off, lack of communication, a porn addiction that belittled her, drinking issues that cost me a lot of free time and drive, a lack of friends(growing up in a small alaska town can turn you into a loner). Sure weve had some big fights but we worked through it. I've seen her go through depression, eating disorder, shes even been raped while I was gone working once throughout our relationship. Always trying to be there for her and incourage/support her. She refuses to go to counseling because it could cause her to loose her medical certificate for flying. 
Now the question is what to do. I love and want her but I dont need her(she even says the same thing). Im afraid to pull the 180 that's all over this website because she definitely has some abandonment issues. Also if she makes up her mind shes dead set on it and just jumps head first in. Ive been thinking about maybe a trail seperation, dissolution or divorce. Weve had discussions about it, she says she only wants her things because she knows everything we have is because of me. I'm the bread winner by far making 150k while she barely scratches 30k on a good year. Everything we have is in a joint account and co signed together. No kids thank god but a dog we both are willing to fight over. I'm glad if I do pull the pin it's the new year because of tax reasons and such and havent gotten a lawyer yet.
How do I handle this? How to I work on myself and our marriage that we both dont want to end? How do I hold onto my dignity and not slip into mallace? I've thought about yard selling everything out of spite. If we do separate what are some helpful things i should know? Or we go through a trail seperation how do I handle it? Financialy? She can barely stay afloat if I cut her off. Or do I just say **** it and burn it all? I wouldn't take much for me to move on if I decide to.
We are married and I'm fully committed to her but now I question everything. Neither of us has done anything that we cant take back...yet... I know I'm a glutton for misery but how much pain is too much? Is it too little to late for us?


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## Evinrude58

If there’s another man in the picture, it’s hopeless.
Yeah, you can’t compete with someone new, it’s impossible. What’s even more impossible is you’re competing with a guy she doesn’t even know, who is using the internet to give her just what she wants and get into her head. When she meets him in person and has wild sex with him and us with him for a while, there’s a 99% chance she won’t even like him in real life. 
But be realistic with yourself: do you want a wife that is so disloyal she’d ask you if she can have an open relationship and bang other guys?
She put you on tinder? That’s BS. You don’t have to participate in any of that and shouldn’t. She very well could be setting you up for something.

Honestly, I don’t see any solution here but divorcing her if what you want is a loyal wife that wants a monogamous relationship with you. She’s told you she wants to have sex with other guys. Apparently not only this one.

I can promise you this: you can’t nice her back, and the more you chase her, the faster and farther she will run.

You don’t really have a lot of options here. She doesn’t want to be married anymore. She’s a thrill seeker and apparently her newest thrill seeking is banging new dudes.

I’m very sorry.


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## Evinrude58

Alaskaguy said:


> I'm new here and need some advice. But I need to layout our story first. My wife(28) and I(30) have been together for 7 years, married for just over 2. Shes always been very driven and independent since she moved out when she was 16. A thrill seeker, professional snowboarding as a kid, trained sled dogs, a bush plane pilot, the works. Really willing to slum it up to get what she wants, living in dry cabins in winters is tough. But also spoiled growing up having come from a rich family. We live in alaska so we've always had to chase each other through out the state for work since we've been togther. Gota go were the work is in order to pay the bills so to say. I've never had a problem with it because I grew up that way with my parents (they didn't have a lot and had to work hard for everything to provide) and my wife has grown used to it. It has caused us to basicly have separate lives through out our entire relationship. It was like putting our relationship on hold when we were gone and starting it back up when we were togther. Some things just got swept under the rug because of it. Sure we try to make each other priority about talking and spending time together when we could. It was like a vaction every couple of weeks. I even got a full time job in a town while she worked shift work so we could have a permit home. But since covid shes had to give up her job and stay home permanently working a unfulfilling job. This has caused a identity crisis for her. Work for her is boring and the home live has become stale. We both kind of gave up in a way. I took her for granted and didn't put a lot of effort in our marriage because I just grind away at life when things get tough. That's what marriage is about right?
> A couple of months ago I caught her having an emotional affair with another a coworker (over her phone because he's no longer in the state). It started innocent enough but worked up to sexting. I called her out on it and she hasn't given him up. Now she wants to experiment and try having a open relationship because one of her friends just got into it. I've been fighting with her over this since then. She wants me to try new things because she isnt sure what she wants, be it a threesome with another woman or for me to have a one night stand with another woman or even a girlfriend. I broke down and got a tinder a few days ago(shes the one that set it up actually and wants me to start talking to other women to see what its like) because it's been months of a stalemate and I wanted a compromise. We've really improved on our communication but cant come to a agreement. I've asked her why shed would want to risk everything we have over this. She says she needs to find herself and wants her freedom back. Just to have the option to sleep with other people. I'm usually very open minded and understand the wants and needs of people because hey were all just complex animals with desires. I'm so full of rage and jealousy, I dont want to loose her but I dont want to share her. Last night she told me she wants both of us. To have her cake and eat it too. He fills her with what I cant provide(whatever that is). I love her and we've been through a lot together. I know shes only human and I haven't always been good to her(I've admmited it to her and accepted full responsibility for it). Ive come to terms about my short falls and have been working on them, being emotionally shut off, lack of communication, a porn addiction that belittled her, drinking issues that cost me a lot of free time and drive, a lack of friends(growing up in a small alaska town can turn you into a loner). Sure weve had some big fights but we worked through it. I've seen her go through depression, eating disorder, shes even been raped while I was gone working once throughout our relationship. Always trying to be there for her and incourage/support her. She refuses to go to counseling because it could cause her to loose her medical certificate for flying.
> Now the question is what to do. I love and want her but I dont need her(she even says the same thing). Im afraid to pull the 180 that's all over this website because she definitely has some abandonment issues. Also if she makes up her mind shes dead set on it and just jumps head first in. Ive been thinking about maybe a trail seperation, dissolution or divorce. Weve had discussions about it, she says she only wants her things because she knows everything we have is because of me. I'm the bread winner by far making 150k while she barely scratches 30k on a good year. Everything we have is in a joint account and co signed together. No kids thank god but a dog we both are willing to fight over. I'm glad if I do pull the pin it's the new year because of tax reasons and such and havent gotten a lawyer yet.
> How do I handle this? How to I work on myself and our marriage that we both dont want to end? How do I hold onto my dignity and not slip into mallace? I've thought about yard selling everything out of spite. If we do separate what are some helpful things i should know? Or we go through a trail seperation how do I handle it? Financialy? She can barely stay afloat if I cut her off. Or do I just say **** it and burn it all? I wouldn't take much for me to move on if I decide to.
> We are married and I'm fully committed to her but now I question everything. *Neither of us has done anything that we cant take back...yet.*.. I know I'm a glutton for misery but how much pain is too much? Is it too little to late for us?


that’s where you’re wrong. She has done something she can’t take back. She has been totally unfaithful to you and has filled her own mind with the desire for another man. Sadly, it’s a man she, in reality, doesn’t even know. BuT her infidelity has clearly ruined her feelings for you. And yes, she can’t take that back. Her feelings for you have been given to someone else and even if she wanted to, it’s highly unlikely that she could take them back and give them to you.

if you quickly divorce her, she’d probably be attracted to your strength of character and want to come back when these other men are done getting in her britches and her feelings for them have gone.. Would you still want her?


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## Married but Happy

You simply aren't compatible. She wants thrills and variety in relationships and sex as well as in everything else she does. YOU do NOT. She probably still wants you, but not exclusively - she's wired that way, while you are not. I don't thing there's a compromise, unless you can move towards her way of thinking - it's unlikely she can give up something that seems to fit her nature so well. IMO, she may be naturally polyamorous, but you are closer to being naturally monogamous.


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## Alaskaguy

Shes told me shes not even sure if she would have sex with him, if push comes to shove. That's is not about him per say but the idea of him. That's she only wants the option/freedom to able to do it. She says she wants to stay married to me, I sure it's so she can play house and have everything tooken care of for while she can go have fun(at least in my mind that's what I'm thinking) she disagrees though.


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## Evinrude58

Alaskaguy said:


> Shes told me shes not even sure if she would have sex with him, if push comes to shove. That's is not about him per say but the idea of him. That's she only wants the option/freedom to able to do it. She says she wants to stay married to me, I sure it's so she can play house and have everything tooken care of for while she can go have fun(at least in my mind that's what I'm thinking) she disagrees though.


She’s lying. Your thoughts on her motivations are accurate.


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## Alaskaguy

Married but Happy said:


> You simply aren't compatible. She wants thrills and variety in relationships and sex as well as in everything else she does. YOU do NOT. She probably still wants you, but not exclusively - she's wired that way, while you are not. I don't thing there's a compromise, unless you can move towards her way of thinking - it's unlikely she can give up something that seems to fit her nature so well. IMO, she may be naturally polyamorous, but you are closer to being naturally monogamous.



Which so strange to me, a year ago we had a fight because I cracked a joke about cam girl porn. I had no doubt about her loyalty. So much so that it never bothered me that she would go on adventures with friends while I had to work. Or that she worked In a male dominated career. Sure I had thoughts about her not being faithful but nothing for concern.


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## Evinrude58

I’m seeing a lot of this thinking lately. Vows mean nothing. People are hedonistic now, just living for whatever brings then pleasure, and it’s like their spouse and the vows they made don’t exist.

what your wife is asking of you. Do you think she is a good person?
I think she is extremely cruel.


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## Alaskaguy

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m seeing a lot of this thinking lately. Vows mean nothing. People are hedonistic now, just living for whatever brings then pleasure, and it’s like their spouse and the vows they made don’t exist.
> 
> what your wife is asking of you. Do you think she is a good person?
> I think she is extremely cruel.


I think shes a wonderful person and she has good morals. At least I thought so. I'm hoping shes just confused like she says she is, Hell I'm just as confused. Or that if I talk to other women shell become jealous(which she is really intrigued by, always asking if I'm talking to other woman and wanting to see) or just deciding it isnt worth going through with this


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## Alaskaguy

One of the reasons she wants to "experiment" with this, is because she just watched a friend go through a similar thing and it "fixed/improved" their marriage. That it could respark something with us.


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## Anastasia6

It sounds like our marriage is broken. The list of things you suddenly realize are a problem and you've owned don't just disappear overnight because you realize them. Her being raped is also going to change the landscape a lot. Her wanting to open the relationship. 

There are all very big problems. You don't have kids and it doesn't really sound like either of you are committed so you should probably call this one done.


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## Evinrude58

Alaskaguy said:


> One of the reasons she wants to "experiment" with this, is because she just watched a friend go through a similar thing and it "fixed/improved" their marriage. That it could respark something with us.


Looks like the spark is for her new internet guy. It’s burning well.


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## Alaskaguy

Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk. Do I say **** it and abandon them to go live a selfish life? It does sound appealing sad to say.


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## Andy1001

Buddy I hate to burst your bubble about your wife being perfect up to now but you need to open your eyes. This is not new behavior, she’s probably always had other men but you weren’t around to catch her. You are her fall back plan, her plan B in other words. 
You need to tell her straight away that she can have an open relationship with as many men as she wants but not as your wife. As things stand you are a cash cow who she’s milking for all she can. You’ve never had a normal relationship, it was always temporary and then she went back to single life. 
She doesn’t want to be tied to one man, and she never really was. Give her the freedom which she yearns for but close your bank account first.


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## ccpowerslave

Work through anything probably didn’t include her wanting to bang other guys and set you up with Tinder.

You already used the terms “jealousy” and “rage” why put yourself through that when you can see the writing on the wall?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

You want to keep your marriage? First, Expose her to your and her parents and close friends. sunlight is the best disinfectant. Secondly, she wants her freedom? Give it to her. Lastly, have her served. Go dark, and 180. You must act in bold and forceful fashion. As I have repeatedly told others women respect strength. Please avoid the pick me dance as it is guaranteed to fail.

You need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Also, ask her to leave the house, at a minimum the marital bedroom.


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm sorry that she wasn't honest with you and you had to find out the hard way. That was wrong of her. 

I'm afraid I don't have very hopeful opinion for you. Speaking of someone who was likewise kind of independent and adventurous, I don't think she's ever going to be willing to give that up for domesticity. If it were her asking for advice I would just tell her to be sure and use contraceptives because I don't think she's going to be necessarily wanting to settle down and have kids either, at least not anytime soon. 

You guys are living a fractured lifestyle. It's actually a lifestyle that requires a lot of Independence. I don't think anyone ought to have to agree to an open marriage. I just don't think she needs to be married. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear and it's not helpful to you. I think she's going to want that adventure in her life for as long as she can physically do it.


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## Gabe76

I second the opinion that she did not change, probably had flings and flirts all the time while you were separated before in your on and off relationship. Covid locked her up in a cage and this game was taken away. It's nothing new, rather the lack of something preexisting is causing problems. I suggest a smartly devised and lawyer backed divorce. As for your morals from your dad. What would your dad suggest you do in this situation?


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## lifeistooshort

OP, would she be willing to come here? I would love to slap her upside the head woman to woman.

It's plain as day what's going on here.....your wife is depressed and bored out of her freaking mind and is looking for excitement. That's why she has a dude out of state.

I doubt she wants to lose the marriage, but she wants excitement and is being stupid about it. This isn't going to get her what she's looking for.

Do you think she'd come here? If she gets rid of this guy you could focus on each other again, since she apparently hasn't ever met him.


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## Livvie

It doesn't sound like she's a personality built for a long term or a lifetime marriage. I don't think you can change her so that she is.


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## Trident

Once your wife or significant other says "I'm not sure if I would even have sex with the other guy" it's time for the hard kick to the curb.

Right now all you've got left is your pride and self respect and that's disappearing rapidly.


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## Alaskaguy

Gabe76 said:


> I second the opinion that she did not change, probably had flings and flirts all the time while you were separated before in your on and off relationship. Covid locked her up in a cage and this game was taken away. It's nothing new, rather the lack of something preexisting is causing problems. I suggest a smartly devised and lawyer backed divorce. As for your morals from your dad. What would your dad suggest you do in this situation?


Because you asked Kill the ***** would be his answer. By no means to I intend to do that and that is not a threat of any kind for those that stumble across this and take it out of context. Dont worry I'm not going to throw my life away on a woman like that, I enjoy it too much for something that petty. He was a very hard man and raised me to be the same. But I am not my father and I control my own will. That is why I havent brought this forward to my parents. Not their pig not their farm.


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## Alaskaguy

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, would she be willing to come here? I would love to slap her upside the head woman to woman.
> 
> It's plain as day what's going on here.....your wife is depressed and bored out of her freaking mind and is looking for excitement. That's why she has a dude out of state.
> 
> I doubt she wants to lose the marriage, but she wants excitement and is being stupid about it. This isn't going to get her what she's looking for.
> 
> Do you think she'd come here? If she gets rid of this guy you could focus on each other again, since she apparently hasn't ever met him.


O she has meet him. And spent time near him(nonsexual) He was a coworker here in state, then moved to chase work down south. That when they started texting.


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## Trident

Yeah if she met him in person there's a good chance there was sexual contact. You have no way of knowing unless you were actually present. Don't confuse what you want to believe with the truth.


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## Alaskaguy

As for the excitement it's been a slow year but weve always do something. I dont just mean walks on the beach. Like hunting fish, we own a plane and a boat that we take out etc.


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## DownByTheRiver

You need to let her know firmly that you are out rather than open marriage. And you also need to be sure you two go on adventures together some to scratch her itch. And she should go do what she wants when she can as well. But that's why you must be very firm with her that you'll leave if she has an affair and there won't be open marriage.


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## Marc878

Alaskaguy said:


> Shes told me shes not even sure if she would have sex with him, if push comes to shove. That's is not about him per say but the idea of him. That's she only wants the option/freedom to able to do it. She says she wants to stay married to me, I sure it's so she can play house and have everything tooken care of for while she can go have fun(at least in my mind that's what I'm thinking) she disagrees though.


Bwahahahaha, all cheaters lie a lot. Good chance it’s a sexual affair.

download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy”by Glover
its a free pdf and you need it badly.


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## Marc878

Alaskaguy said:


> I think shes a wonderful person and she has good morals. At least I thought so. I'm hoping shes just confused like she says she is, Hell I'm just as confused. Or that if I talk to other women shell become jealous(which she is really intrigued by, always asking if I'm talking to other woman and wanting to see) or just deciding it isnt worth going through with this


You wouldn’t be the first one who was wrong about who their wife really is.
open your eyes.


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## Marc878

Alaskaguy said:


> One of the reasons she wants to "experiment" with this, is because she just watched a friend go through a similar thing and it "fixed/improved" their marriage. That it could respark something with us.


Another lie. (eye roll)

Wake up.


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## Marc878

Alaskaguy said:


> Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk. Do I say **** it and abandon them to go live a selfish life? It does sound appealing sad to say.


You should also learn that you don’t let people treat you poorly. If you do you’ll get more.
The one who wants the marriage most is at a distinct disadvantage. You are getting walked on and it’ll only get worse.


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## Marc878

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> You want to keep your marriage? First, Expose her to your and her parents and close friends. sunlight is the best disinfectant. Secondly, she wants her freedom? Give it to her. Lastly, have her served. Go dark, and 180. You must act in bold and forceful fashion. As I have repeatedly told others women respect strength. Please avoid the pick me dance as it is guaranteed to fail.
> 
> You need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Also, ask her to leave the house, at a minimum the marital bedroom.


This is probably your best and only chance. 
Great advice given by one who was in your shoes.
Read his story.


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## Marc878

Bud, she wants the marriage on her terms only. At least for now.
You just don’t matter much.
I hope you wake up. If not this is gonna get worse.


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## aaarghdub

Similar boat a long time ago. She wanted to stay married so I could keep my housing allowance, tried to hook me up with her affair partner’s wife. She had no cash and worked part time at 24 hour fitness and boasted about her awesome credit. So I gave her cash and she transferred my debt to her credit cards. A year later, she had moved in with the guy and declared bankruptcy. 20 years later, same guy but with a new kid working part time and bankrupt again.

BL - it’s all about her. Let her have herself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Gabriel

Alaskaguy said:


> Or do I just say **** it and burn it all? I wouldn't take much for me to move on if I decide to.


Yep, burn it all.


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## cp3o

Alaskaguy said:


> One of the reasons she wants to "experiment" with this, is because she just watched a friend go through a similar thing and it "fixed/improved" their marriage. That it could respark something with us.


Presumably the adulterous friend who she talks with is the one who tells her it "fixed/improved" their marriage.

Do you know the SO's opinion on the matter?

I suggest you wait three years and see if either of them still thinks it "fixed/improved their marriage.

Your wife wants to be able to have whatever relationship she wants. with whomever she wants, whenever she wants. You may be able to live with that - most couldn't.

And don't think that this is a one-off. That once she has it out of her system she will revert to being the trustworthy wife. Or that you will be able to trust her once she swears that she is done with sleeping around.

And, above all. Do not have children with this woman: not for your sake - for theirs.


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## cp3o

Alaskaguy said:


> Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk. Do I say **** it and abandon them to go live a selfish life? It does sound appealing sad to say.


Same upbringing.............................Yes.


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## MJJEAN

Andy1001 said:


> Buddy I hate to burst your bubble about your wife being perfect up to now but you need to open your eyes. This is not new behavior, she’s probably always had other men but you weren’t around to catch her. You are her fall back plan, her plan B in other words.


Yup. I'd bet $5 she's been unfaithful here and there the whole time, but COVID trapped her at home where she doesn't have the ability to conceal her activities she had before.



Alaskaguy said:


> That is why I havent brought this forward to my parents. Not their pig not their farm.


Then you don't get to blame how you were raised. You're staying because you want to, not because your daddy raised you to stay married. Daddy would tell you to yeet her off the nearest cliff. He raised you to be a man who respects vows, not to be the doormat Plan B of a woman who doesn't respect vows.


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## AGoodFlogging

Sounded like you guys were ships passing in the night anyway and COVID has just stuck her in one place squirming around.

I'd say that you just need to think about what you want out of the marriage and be prepared to either get that or walk.


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## Dictum Veritas

OP, I'm sorry to say, but if they were co-workers, there is close to zero chance that this has not been a sexual affair already. I just think you need to keep this in mind before making decisions about your future.

If you want to loose your marriage, continue to make her think you are in any way okay with what she is doing or that you have even a measure of tolerance for it. The only way to save this marriage is to burn it to the ground, because she has already taken a wrecking ball to it.

No woman who respects her husband would be in a relationship with another man (even if long distance, emotional only, which I doubt). Without respect there is no marriage. Serving a woman with divorce papers quickly re-establishes respect, perhaps not love, but respect. The bucket of cold water that will dump over her when she realizes what she is about to loose will also quickly wake her up from her fantasy world.

I'm sorry, OP, but unless you act now and act positively for yourself, there would be no chance to save the marriage. Divorce can always be halted if she is remorseful and if you even want to in the end, having been disrespected as you are.

Keep in mind I am really of the opinion that:
1) This is not her first rodeo (time apart enabled her to hide it).
2) This affair was sexual a long time ago while they worked together. Emotion + Proximity = Sex.

If you are not okay with points 1 and 2 above, file for divorce and put her in the rear-view mirror. It really doesn't bide well for a man to have a wife who shows this level of disrespect.

I suggest you do some snooping on her devices and recover actual communication between them and also between her and her lady friends. Women will often share intimate details with their lady friends. I will be surprised if you learn that I was wrong about points 1 and 2 above.

Strength to you OP, this is not an easy road your feet have been set upon walking.


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## Alaskaguy

Dictum Veritas said:


> OP, I'm sorry to say, but if they were co-workers, there is close to zero chance that this has not been a sexual affair already. I just think you need to keep this in mind before making decisions about your future.
> 
> If you want to loose your marriage, continue to make her think you are in any way okay with what she is doing or that you have even a measure of tolerance for it. The only way to save this marriage is to burn it to the ground, because she has already taken a wrecking ball to it.
> 
> No woman who respects her husband would be in a relationship with another man (even if long distance, emotional only, which I doubt). Without respect there is no marriage. Nerving a woman with divorce papers quickly re-establishes respect, perhaps not love, but respect. The bucket of cold water that will dump over her when she realizes what she is about to loose will also quickly wake her up from her fantasy world.
> 
> I'm sorry, OP, but unless you act now and act positively for yourself, there would be no chance to save the marriage. Divorce can always be halted if she is remorseful and if you even want to in the end, having been disrespected as you are.
> 
> Keep in mind I am really of the opinion that:
> 1) This is not her first rodeo (time apart enabled her to hide it).
> 2) This affair was sexual a long time ago while they worked together. Emotion + Proximity = Sex.
> 
> If you are not okay with points 1 and 2 above, file for divorce and put her in the rear-view mirror. It really doesn't bide well for a man to have a wife who shows this level of disrespect.
> 
> I suggest you do some snooping on her devices and recover actual communication between them and also between her and her lady friends. Women will often share intimate details with their lady friends. I will be surprised if you learn that I was wrong about points 1 and 2 above.
> 
> Strength to you OP, this is not an easy road your feet have been set upon walking.


Number 2 is a no go for sure. That's how I figured it out in the first place. I got on all of her devices and saw the whole thing, basicly busted her in the first week of it. Which was strictly by text only. I saved the evidence at first but then deleted later. Now number 1 is a tricky one because there is no evidence that I can find, it goes too far back to be able to pin point anything and personally that **** burns me out to snoop and to be so prying in personal stuff...


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## Alaskaguy

Alaskaguy said:


> Number 2 is a no go for sure. That's how I figured it out in the first place. I got on all of her devices and saw the whole thing, basicly busted her in the first week of it. Which was strictly by text only. I saved the evidence at first but then deleted later. Now number 1 is a tricky one because there is no evidence that I can find, it goes too far back to be able to pin point anything and personally that **** burns me out to snoop and to be so prying in personal stuff...


And I know it was nothing in person because he was already out of the state at least a month by then.


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## Dictum Veritas

Alaskaguy said:


> Number 2 is a no go for sure. That's how I figured it out in the first place. I got on all of her devices and saw the whole thing, basicly busted her in the first week of it. Which was strictly by text only. I saved the evidence at first but then deleted later. Now number 1 is a tricky one because there is no evidence that I can find, it goes too far back to be able to pin point anything and personally that **** burns me out to snoop and to be so prying in personal stuff...


You know your situation better than I do, but I'm still very skeptical about dismissing nr. 2.

No-one wants to play policeman and detective in their own marriage, but with a wife in an active affair, it's not snooping, it's gathering evidence. A spouse in an affair is not a loving partner, it's an enemy and a thief that wants to steal your emotion, support and recourses while giving their affections, time, passion and love to another.

Being a detective at this stage is the only intelligent thing to do in order to ensure that continuing in this marriage is even worth it. Any doubt that is not dismissed or confirmed by evidence is a festering cancer that will devour you and the marriage and annihilate both completely. Rugsweeping never works and destroys slowly and painfully over time.

Your choices are either confirming or having though evidence dismissed any doubts and questions you may have by detective work or immediate divorce and never looking back.


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## farsidejunky

Assuming she is being fully honest (big IF), this makes it even worse. 

She isn't trying to decide between you and another man...she is trying to decide between an idea and you.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

Alaskaguy said:


> And I know it was nothing in person because he was already out of the state at least a month by then.


Sorry man but it sounds like You’re trying to make palatable excuses to stay in this.
The capability is there for her to continue and or do a repeat later on.

Only married 2 years which means you should have still been in the honeymoon phase?
Cut your losses. I’m afraid you’ll regret it If you don’t.


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## Diana7

Alaskaguy said:


> I think shes a wonderful person and she has good morals. At least I thought so. I'm hoping shes just confused like she says she is, Hell I'm just as confused. Or that if I talk to other women shell become jealous(which she is really intrigued by, always asking if I'm talking to other woman and wanting to see) or just deciding it isnt worth going through with this


if she is sexting another man and wants an open marriage she doesn't have good morals sorry. If you want a wife who will cheat a lot, then stay, if you want a faithful wife then end the marriage and find one. The choice is yours. She will never be happy with normal life, she seeks thrills and excitment and that rush all the time.
You say she wants the marriage to continue, but she refuses to do what she can to enable that to happen. She refuses to give up her sexting partner.


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## manowar

Alaskaguy said:


> Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk.



time to wake up now buddy. You sound like a doormat. Unfortunately, your dad hasn't gotten with the program. id suggest a new mentor.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Alaskaguy said:


> Number 2 is a no go for sure. That's how I figured it out in the first place. I got on all of her devices and saw the whole thing, basicly busted her in the first week of it. Which was strictly by text only. I saved the evidence at first but then deleted later. Now number 1 is a tricky one because there is no evidence that I can find, it goes too far back to be able to pin point anything and personally that **** burns me out to snoop and to be so prying in personal stuff...


This **** is like an iceberg....10% you see,90% is below the surface. I will guarantee you there is a hell of a lot she has already done you do not know about.

you seem to be timid when it comes to taking the appropriate course of action. If you desire to save your marriage you will need to step out of your comfort zone, tell her you are cutting her loose as you want her to be happy and you won’t stand in her way, followed by her being served divorce papers. It is that simple.

Right now it is all unicorns and rainbows. You mission is to collapse this fantasy world of hers. I would pay POSOM a “courtesy call”. Also, notify HR at her place of employment.


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## Evinrude58

Alaskaguy said:


> And I know it was nothing in person because he was already out of the state at least a month by then.


You are totally naive, you are sticking your head in the sand, being indecisive, allowing your wife to blatantly have another man in front of your face.....

everything you are doing is ensuring you will soon be out of the picture.

please don’t think your wife couldn’t be doing this or that. She is asking you to let her screw another man TO YOUR FACE.!!!


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## Evinrude58

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> This **** is like an iceberg....10% you see,90% is below the surface. I will guarantee you there is a hell of a lot she has already done you do not know about.
> 
> you seem to be timid when it comes to taking the appropriate course of action. If you desire to save your marriage you will need to step out of your comfort zone, tell her you are cutting her loose as you want her to be happy and you won’t stand in her way, followed by her being served divorce papers. It is that simple.
> 
> Right now it is all unicorns and rainbows. You mission is to collapse this fantasy world of hers. I would pay POSOM a “courtesy call”. Also, notify HR at her place of employment.


I wholeheartedly agree, but OP shouldn’t file for divorce as a bluff. He should mean it 100%. I’m sure that’s what you meant. Just saying OP needs to know that he needs to be serious about divorcing her. He should. She’s not wife material.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Evinrude58 said:


> I wholeheartedly agree, but OP shouldn’t file for divorce as a bluff. He should mean it 100%. I’m sure that’s what you meant. Just saying OP needs to know that he needs to be serious about divorcing her. He should. She’s not wife material.


Absolutely. When one points a gun, you must be ready to pull the trigger.


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## Austin1979

Yes! Agreed I thought mine was a innocent, boy was I was wrong. 100 percent wrong!


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## jlg07

Alaskaguy said:


> I think shes a wonderful person and she has good morals. At least I thought so. I'm hoping shes just confused like she says she is, Hell I'm just as confused. Or that if I talk to other women shell become jealous(which she is really intrigued by, always asking if I'm talking to other woman and wanting to see) or just deciding it isnt worth going through with this


You have a very WRONG image of who she really is. You THINK she is wonderful and moral. What type of WONDERFUL MORAL person would be cheating on their spouse (and YES she is cheating with this other guy).
What type of WONDERFUL MORAL person pushes to open a marriage KNOWING that it it hurting their spouse?

Alaskaguy, please do NOT be someone's plan B. Do NOT just be there to support HER life and she goes out to bang whoever she wants. She just wants YOU to pay for it.

PLEASE think this through, and I think you will find that she has a NUMBER of mental issues that have not been worked on and will NOT be worked on by her. If at least she was trying, you could work on the marriage and issue together. SHE is not doing any work and just wants YOU to give in to what she wants. NOT a good wife, NOT a moral person.


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## jlg07

Alaskaguy said:


> Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk. Do I say **** it and abandon them to go live a selfish life? It does sound appealing sad to say.


YOU are not abandoning your marriage -- but right now there IS no marriage -- she wants to have sex with others and keep YOU around to pay for it. SHE isn't/won't work on it -- she has told you this.

Getting divorced from a cheating spouse is not immoral.


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## sokillme

Alaskaguy said:


> Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk. Do I say **** it and abandon them to go live a selfish life? It does sound appealing sad to say.


Nothing heroic about allowing someone to abuse you by having an affair, and being a passive pushover. I doubt those are the morals your Dad was trying to instill in you. Think about it like this take yourself out if it, if you had a son and he told you this story would you tell him to act the way you are acting?

The honorable thing to do is protect the innocent, even if that person is yourself. 

Quit blaming your day for you passivity. Time to man up and put a stop to this or end it. Passive men get cheated on.


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## sokillme

Alaskaguy said:


> And I know it was nothing in person because he was already out of the state at least a month by then.



Dude you know nothing, take it from us we have read 100s of stories like this. The spouse always sounds like you. They are almost always wrong. Would she risk her whole marriage and lifestyle for what she professes this is? 

Cheaters lie and they are very good at it. You have NO IDEA who your wife is. None.

Trust us man, the stories are all the same. Human nature doesn't change. Again years of reading this stuff.


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## sunsetmist

IMO: You have always been attracted to her exciting, risk-taking persona. Y'all's lifestyle has allowed her unusual freedom to follow her selfish desires whatever they were. Left home at 16 and left your marriage relationship no telling when. She likely has a personality disorder that drives her actions (rape contributes). She flits from exciting to exciting, but will never find happiness that way! Losing her license could save someone's life. 

Most women need connection and intimacy for long-term commitment. Y'all's connection is tenuous at best. She will bulldoze as long as you allow it. Limerence is her middle name. Men need appreciation. She appreciates your support--sort of like the father she never had.

You feel some guilt about your 'poor freedom behavior', so you cut her slack--too much slack. I'm not thinking you have much power in this situation. Figure out who you are and what you stand for and follow that path.


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## Beach123

I don’t understand why people get married when they expect to still act single.

divorce her! She still thinks she’s single - and doesn’t understand what it is to make a commitment to someone.


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## Beach123

Alaskaguy said:


> Unfortunately one of the biggest things that holding me back is how I was raised. My father instilled some very hard morals in me. I dont believe in divorce and if your willing to get married you should be able/willing to work through anything. It's not just my marriage now but my self values and ideinity through my morals that are at risk. Do I say **** it and abandon them to go live a selfish life? It does sound appealing sad to say.


you can’t consider trying to make the marriage work when one person is focused outside the marriage. If she isn’t all in - then there’s no value in trying to make the marriage work. Your parents mindset only works when BOTH people intend to do what’s best for the marriage.
Your situation doesn’t look like your wife is willing to do everything in her power to work together to improve the marriage.


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## Totally T

OP. I can only second what's been said. Cut your losses. 

When a guy seeks advice he usually goes to talk to the person he thinks is likely to agree with him. 

Here you have input without bias


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## Alaskaguy

Thank you everyone that replied and sent me their two cents. I've come realize that you are all right in some form or another. Tonight I told her that if she can't be committed or faithful to us then I am unable to be in a relationship with her. Ive always supported and encouraged her being independent and having her own freedom but that this was too far. That it was too much for me, I can not and will not allow her to cause this much pain for her own selfish reasons. I asked her to find another place to stay while I made the arrangements to move on our own paths. That's if she wants us to continue being married theres conditions that have to be meet and if she doesnt meet them we are finished. 
Thank you all for your support, I knew we were on our way out months ago and wish this had happened before we were married but it didn't. You're influence was the final tipping point and I appreciate being able to end this on my own terms.


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## jlg07

VERY glad that you stood up for yourself with this. You would have been even MORE miserable had you not done so.
What was her reaction to this?


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## Alaskaguy

jlg07 said:


> VERY glad that you stood up for yourself with this. You would have been even MORE miserable had you not done so.
> What was her reaction to this?


I told her that she should think about this and the reprocutions. She said she has been, that life without me is unimaginable. But we are two diffrent people with wants and needs. That she is scared and confused. I said I know this, that I do love and care about her but I'm not willing to share her like that. That if and only if she wants us to work out she has to never speak to him again, quit smoking, and to go see a sociologist because of all her unresolved issues. She asked what would happen if we do split. I told her I'd give her the plane and some money and nothing else. She then began to list the things she would need to do, moving, work, insurance etc. I told her it's not my problem. She asked about the dog, told her she can take her on her days off but nothing else. I left for the night to let her stew on this. I'm sure in her mind shes fuming about not getting what she wants. And that hopefully shell come to realize I dont care. 
I had a shred of hope until two days ago when I went through some old photos. As I went through them I saw the pure happiness we once shared and I broke down crying because I knew we could probably never get it back. 
I'll get a lawyer lined out on monday and hopefully shell agree to a dissolution just to keep things civil and clean. Maybe shell change her mind on what she wants but I doubt that.


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## Evinrude58

Very sorry. I know how you feel. I’m things like this, you have to do what you know is right and ignore your emotions no matter how much it hurts.

You know a woman that asks you to do such a shameful and hurtful thing—- doesn’t love you. No sense being married to a woman who doesn’t love you.


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## Dictum Veritas

This is indeed a very dark chapter in your life OP, and I can only wish for a guiding light to illuminate your way through this, but painful as it is, it is better to walk on a path of your own choosing than allow yourself to be dragged into a sickly swamp by a person who despite not having love or respect for you still holds sway over your heart.

I wish you only the best on this path you have chosen out of the filth she has chosen to dump you in. I hope you will be sped out of the stench she wrought upon you.


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## farsidejunky

These things hurt. There's no way around that.

That said, it is like ripping the Band-Aid off...rather than a slow torture of thinking you could somehow influence the situation, only to find yourself right back at the decision point you are at today.

Furthermore, had you chosen to try and 'nice' her back to you, you would have probably found yourself avoiding mirrors.


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Violet28

She wanted you to have a threesome to give her more bargaining power to have sex with the other man. Then she could say 'well, you got to have sex with so and so, now it's my turn'.


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