# You are entitled to make mistakes.....



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm.... really? Am I? These are a few questions running through my head right now. As some of you know... i just found out gate cheated. of course..... i was told by this other woman.. or as some of you know her... towel girl.... that she did indeed **** my man. 

Well he made this mistake when drinking.... he is an alcoholic and schizophrenic. This doesn't excuse him in any way shape or form mind you but I do hope you all get a better understanding. 

Sadly... i was drinking tonight and i made the terrible mistake of enganging in about ten minutes of sexting with some random online guy. 

This was terribley wrong i know. One friend of mine feels i am entitled to make mistakes... I on the other hand feel i am not. I was wrong. He doesn't think i should tell gate... however i have never kept anything from gate so i do plan on telling him as soon as he gets home. I even saved the conversation for him to share with him. 

Yes I know I'm a terrible woman, mate, and partner. I should have had better judgement.... and honestly... i was feeling like getting back at him a bit. Sadly... I know this .. well that is an immature route to go. I regret enganging in it. I wish i hadn't.... 

I'm at a loss on what to do now though. Sometimes i feel like R'ing.... sometimes i feel like just up and leaving. 

One thing i am sure of though.... I do love gate with all my heart.... and as i have told another here. I do believe gate is my soulmate. 

I know many of you have a bad taste in your mouth when it comes to this word but honestly the word soulmate to me means ... not just someone who shares all the pleasant feelings... but the bad ones as well and still sticks by you. 

Gate gets off at six am.... should be here around 7 am. I've been having a hard time... but feel free to dish out 2x4's.... i know i really need them.


I ****ed up tonight and i know it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

There is no entitlement for cheating, Sorry.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

it wasnt a mistake, because you know the consequences.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree.... and i do appreciate the insite of the TAM members here. I felt a desperate need to post here... get back to reality... well this reality if you will. Outside of here... everyone seems to exuse this behavior and i know its unacceptable. What i did.... even if it was for just ten minutes... was still wrong. I know this... and i just need... confirmation that my thoughts on it being wrong are indeed correct... if you will...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Gaia,

How do you have two minds at one time? One at the time of sexting and the other one saying "wrong"?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I am not quite sure i understand you. I can say at the time i wasn't thinking right. I was thinking... ok this makes me feel good... but then i came to my senses so to speak and realized it was wrong... so i stopped and told this man i was talking to that i felt it wasnt right.. said goodbye... and logged off. I'm not sure if that is having two minds??? Sorry I'm a tad confused by that concept...? Could you clarify angry?


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

You're not entitled to make mistakes, but it's natural to do so when you aren't aware of the pitfalls in new situations. Forgiveness can be sought for these mistakes, amends made, and then you learn what to avoid in the future. You don't necessarily need to be the one who makes the mistakes - being close, or especially intimately involved with the situation could teach the lesson just as well.

I'm new here, but I do have a passing knowledge of your situation (I posted in Gate's recent thread), so it would seem clear to me that you knew what you were doing and on some level wanted it to happen... if only briefly. That kind of follows the thinking of having "two minds" in that you had to know, from your experience here, that you were doing something wrong and dangerous and yet you did it anyway.

Glad you put the brakes to it, but why did it happen to begin with?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I do believe you are right cabsy. I think.. honestly... I was tired of being told I was "too good" for someone.... and was essentially tired of feeling that in being loyal... i was being looked down on... as not normal. Every time i have ever been cheated on... it has always been with someone who was unloyal, willingly available.. even if supposedly comitted..... 

I guess I felt like maybe... if i did give in.. even if it was a little bit... maybe i wouldn't be snubbed so much... if that makes sense? 

That and i did somewhat feel like giving gate a glimspe of the pain i felt... 

Childish and sad... i know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 10 minute sexting online 'affair'.

Do you know this man in real life? Or is he a complete stranger.

I think your friend meant that everyone does stupid things from time to time. Many BS have a very strong urge to cheat. I know I did. It was acutally hard not to.. and I did not even have anyone lined up. I just felt that it would give me back the "power" he'd taken away from me. Stupid I know. But the mind often goes to stupid places.

I suppose that drunk texting can easily lead to drunk sexting. Good reason to avoid it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Complete stranger Ele. Someone i just met tonight in a chat room. I did do a very stupid thing... and i had no excuse... i obviously wasn't strong enough to resist it. I just feel a fricken mess. I am hurting so bad still... I honestly am not sure where i want this relationship with him to go at the moment.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Gaia, I'm not down playing down what you have done but you've suffered an awful shock recently.
In the midst of what you are feeling for ten minutes you were texting some guy.
Ok, not good, but let's put it into perspective before you beat yourself up too badly. While you were angry, confused and no doubt experiencing a whirlwind of emotions you texted some guy.

You realised what was going on and that it was wrong and stopped, while not a good idea it was hardly the crime of the century.
At least you know what to watch for now.

Hope you are ok and getting through all this.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

At first i was angry... i didnt feel anything but anger... today though... when i was talking with gate.... when he told me he truly did care for me... i responded with... "Well you ****ed another woman... and you expect me to believe this?" The moment i said... "You ****ed another woman....." Those words... felt like a stab to my heart... for the first time since he's told me he cheated. I don't know why i have such a delay in feeling hurt... but i do. 

I know three suggestive messages in the course of ten minutes doesn't quite add up to what he did... but i feel it was still wrong. 

It's been hard getting through all this crap.... that ... along with drama from his relatives... I do know I am going to tell him about this when he gets home though. Like I said... I've never been one to keep things from anyone. I don't know if it's something wrong with me or what but if i feel i made a mistake... i feel i have to confess to it immediately. 

I wish he was the same way... :/


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I agree with Wysh. I did not mean to beat you up, as from what I do know of your story you suffered a lot, and I do sympathize with your feelings. 

I just wanted to point out that this didn't seem like a simple mistake or something completely unexpected and innocent. I don't think you're entitled to those mistakes - you go into them knowing what to expect and knowing that they are wrong. And if you're a good person, as you seem to be, you end up conflicted... possibly posting about the event on a forum and telling your spouse at the next opportunity about what happened.

I understand the justice/revenge mindset, but if you are trying to make things work with Gate, doing these kinds of things won't get you very far. Maybe he will feel some of the burn that you've felt, and maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for him to understand a bit better, but you're playing with fire. 

It will cause problems with you and Gate, or it will cause a deepening emotional connection, or possibly even an affair of your own if you continue to follow this road.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Honestly Cabsy... I never intended to .. "Follow this road." It's not something i ever wanted to do nor something i want to "continue" either. Granted It may have only been a few suggesitive messages but i did realize it was wrong and having never done this before... i can honestly say i never want to do it again. 

I am just not that type of person. Perhaps a part of me did want to burn him, lash out a bit... but in no way does it mean i want to or intend to go further into a full blown PA. 

I have never been that kind of person in my life. I guess... as some have said.. I am far too cowardly... or rigid? for that sort of thing. Right now... I'm not quite sure what i wish to do when it comes to gate an i. Like I have said.. I've been struggling with wanting to just break it off completely to wanting to R. I'm undecided on either..... 

It's always been so fricken easy in past relationships to just break it off if they have cheated... this one... it's not. 

What I really want most is to know what the hell he really wants. That is where I am confused... He says one thing.. but his actions have always said another. I honestly wish i knew what he truly felt... what he truly wanted. If he doesn't want to be with me.. i wish he would just up and say so.

If he does... I wish he would start showing me he does... instead of putting me on the back burner. I've told him this as well on more then one occassion. I don't know what else to do or say. 

I honestly feel like it goes in one ear and out the other with him. So I am not sure if this means i should give up or not....


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

It seems natural to be wondering about the nature of your relationship, especially given the years of lies and recent disclosures. My spouse has some mental issues as well. My situation in all regards is probably not as bad as yours, but I still feel your pain. I was betrayed, lied to, and the truth was withheld from me and given to me in painful bursts punctuated with doubt rather than one tough blow.

Have you considered what you truly want? Is he dedicated to making things right and can you be confident he won't do it again? Since I'm working on reconciliation my natural inclination is towards trying that option. It's just, there is conflict in you, and you need to get to the root of it and deal with it with your spouse and within yourself.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

We did agree on a seperation.. but right now i am leaning more towards a break up at this point. That is how I am feeling.... I haven't decided on R'ing with him yet or not. Frankly... I'm really not wanting to at this point. I do love him... but... Right now.. I can't stand to be around him. Hell he was barely around to begin with... barely is around now... I'm actually spending weekends at a hotel. 

I have discussed just breaking it off completely but he wants to try to make it work... and he wants me to give him another shot. I don't know if i want to...


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm certainly not going to beat you up - the father of your children has screwed another chick. The rights and wrongs of a situation don't really factor into your thinking when you're in turmoil. It's quite easy to look at a situation from a dispassionate and distant point of view when you're not in it

What I would suggest though is that you just stay away from anything like that until you've sorted what you need to with him. My views or anyone else's views are irrelevant at this point - you have to do what you need to for you and the kids. You're very young to go through life with a man you can't trust or have to watch like a hawk

So think carefully darling

Dolly hugs >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh but Dolly... is there such a man that doesn't require any of that?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So sorry to hear about Gate cheating on you Gaia. Felt really sad for you when I read this today.
I don't really know what to say to you but you've been through a hell of a lot together so just take your time in processing all this.
You know about blame shifting and rug sweeping, don't let him do it. You need to know everything that went on or you will never get past this.

Ok what you did with the sexting was unfortunate bit if you tell Gate, don't let him use that to minimise what he has done. 10 mins of txting someone is NOT the same as sleeping with someone!!
Stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Oh but Dolly... is there such a man that doesn't require any of that?


Yes there are but you gotta stop trying to help lost causes. Have you read through No More Mr. Nice Guy. it is not just for men. I have always had a white knight complex and found myself with a lot of lost causes. sometimes I worry that my marriage is a white knight scenario. 
Also how bad is your WH's schizophrenia?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Gaia, I commend you for your ability to know that it is wrong. That's not something all people can recognize so quickly. I've been where you are emotionally. A cheater can throw you off your game whether you're ready for it or not. You made a mistake, but you are remorseful, and that's what matters. 

Recently my H was at it again, emailing women and such, but he quit on his own. I'm currently fighting my urge to take action to leave again. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be with another man. Someone who wouldn't do that and someone who has a better self esteem....it's very difficult not to think these things when we've been betrayed. 

Did you end up telling Gate this morning?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Oh but Dolly... is there such a man that doesn't require any of that?


<--- Raises hand.....

But I'm taken LOL.

Seriously Gaia. Your situation is definitely a difficult one. There's the obvious stuff being said.

Here's the only thing I wonder.
I'm getting a sense that your TRUE root thing here was/is to inflict some pain on Gate. PS I'm not saying that desire is wrong. If my wife cheated...yeah, there'd be some hell to pay (as I was walking out the door figuratively).

I think this "need to tell Gate" is just the final component of making him feel some pain that you feel. I'm not saying your wrong, but consider what you're truly feeling here.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Gaia said:


> I do believe you are right cabsy. I think.. honestly... *I was tired of being told I was "too good" for someone*.... and was essentially tired of feeling that in being loyal... i was being looked down on... as not normal. Every time i have ever been cheated on... it has always been with someone who was unloyal, willingly available.. even if supposedly comitted.....
> 
> *I guess I felt like maybe... if i did give in..* even if it was a little bit... maybe i wouldn't be snubbed so much... if that makes sense?
> 
> ...


Gaia, I don't know your situation or you at all. From the bits that I've seen over the last couple of days your statement above stood out to me. You are heavily invested in this relationship and want to love and be loved by this man. These are good things but the bold parts tell me you're willing to lower yourself, play down to the competition so to speak, in order to accomplish this. You are a thoughtful, soulful, beautiful lovely woman that deserves to have a man who wants to raise his game to be worthy of you.

I wish you well.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No free pass from me.
No minimizing, qualifying, justifying, excusing, putting in context, explaining away...
Same set of bull every cheater sell themselves.
Don't let yourself off the hook. Ever. The "after the facts" rationalizations are worse than the poor choices. It's serious.

Identify the first inch of the slippery slope. Reject it.

Wish you well.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

"Entitled" is one of my least favorite words in this day and age


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## Surfermiquel (Apr 22, 2013)

Maybe naive here but would not have issue as a male.

My wife back in the day would do the inncoent flirt on a night out with me.

I found it sexually exciting.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Surfermiquel said:


> Maybe naive here but would not have issue as a male.
> 
> My wife back in the day would do the inncoent flirt on a night out with me.
> 
> I found it sexually exciting.



You're an oddity. My H would go postal


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gaia, I can understand the mentality behind it because it is very similar to my own husband's mentality. In his case, his EA, which was roughly a month long, was in "response" to my own EA. So, yea, I get it. I'm glad you recognize how wrong it was. As was mentioned above, don't let Gate minimize his own PA because you, essentially, had a RA. I'm not condoning the action, you know that. But I understand the feeling. 

You are well aware of those on here who have had RAs, so I'm not going to continue harping on it. I disagree with your friends who said "don't tell him". I believe you agree with us on that. If you didn't, I don't think you would have posted it to TAM, where he can read it himself! 

So, since Gate can read this as well... don't even think of using the texts to minimize what you did. You have already owned up to it. Not sure why NOW, but that's between the two of you. At any rate, yes, she messed up. But she is owning it immediately... instead of lying for 3 years. Neither is excusable. However her feelings are understandable. If you two DO want to R, then counseling is a must.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Drama releases all those yummy endorphines. Gets you all amped up. The best kind is when you can get on a self-righteous bender.

The great thing about that is it justifies returning the serve in this emotional ping-pong game, so the ball will be coming back soon enough. 

That's cool when nobody else is harmed. But kids don't have a choice. I know there is at least one here, who has not been represented in the thread but who has priority over everyone else.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm not sure THIS is the best time to be DECIDING whether to reconcile or split up! Emotions are running over on BOTH FRONTS!

Perhaps you and gate should consider living separately for 6 months with agreements to:

IC for each of you
No dating, dinners, sex, inappropriate behavior with members of the opposite gender (INCLUDING EACH OTHER)
All focus is on the children and SELF-HEALING
Have a meeting at the end of 6 months with BOTH of you, both therapists and see where you stand at THAT point.
You two have A LOT INVESTED in each other. Your children have EVERYTHING invested in this family. It should be salvaged IF IT IS AT ALL POSSIBLE, but ONLY AS A HEALTHY unit. Healthy. Each of you ALONE. Healthy. And together. Healthy.

my 2 cents' worth...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hey Gaia,the subject aside,its good to see you posting because we worry about you.Considering the thread title and what happened on your part,do you think that maybe you were trying to put yourself on a little more equal footing with Gate? In a sense...if he can forgive me,then I should be able to forgive him.

Anyway,I'm in agreement with SGW,and hope for the best outcome for you all as a family.Take care of yourselves.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

michzz said:


> Seriously, there are people of both genders that remain faithful without monitoring.
> 
> Be that kind of person and finetune your picker and you will find one.


Thanks but I'm not interested in searching at this point in time. I do appreciate the advice.



Maricha75 said:


> Gaia, I can understand the mentality behind it because it is very similar to my own husband's mentality. In his case, his EA, which was roughly a month long, was in "response" to my own EA. So, yea, I get it. I'm glad you recognize how wrong it was. As was mentioned above, don't let Gate minimize his own PA because you, essentially, had a RA. I'm not condoning the action, you know that. But I understand the feeling.
> 
> You are well aware of those on here who have had RAs, so I'm not going to continue harping on it. I disagree with your friends who said "don't tell him". I believe you agree with us on that. If you didn't, I don't think you would have posted it to TAM, where he can read it himself!
> 
> ...


I'm not quite familar with the term RA... however yes I do believe it is wrong to with hold information. I noticed that chatting outside of here... people have a very warped sense of reality. 



Wiserforit said:


> Drama releases all those yummy endorphines. Gets you all amped up. The best kind is when you can get on a self-righteous bender.
> 
> The great thing about that is it justifies returning the serve in this emotional ping-pong game, so the ball will be coming back soon enough.
> 
> That's cool when nobody else is harmed. But kids don't have a choice. I know there is at least one here, who has not been represented in the thread but who has priority over everyone else.


I'm sorry but i completely disagree with you on this. There has been nothing pleasant about dealing with drama from my experience. All these "yummy" endorphines you speak of have never existed in my mind. Of course the kids havent been mentioned really in this thread.. why? Because this issue is between gate and I. We are trying to fix and work out the crap between us .. only then will there be a healthy environment for the kids. No we dont do **** because we love the drama or because we feel justified or whatever else your trying to imply... like i said. We are just two flawed people among many in this world. We make mistakes... are we entitled too... no not in my mind. We make them anyway.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm not sure THIS is the best time to be DECIDING whether to reconcile or split up! Emotions are running over on BOTH FRONTS!
> 
> Perhaps you and gate should consider living separately for 6 months with agreements to:
> 
> ...


Thanks slowly, we have been having alot of discussions recently and seems like i may have to get some new friends. Looks like one of mine turned toxic.



TBT said:


> Hey Gaia,the subject aside,its good to see you posting because we worry about you.Considering the thread title and what happened on your part,do you think that maybe you were trying to put yourself on a little more equal footing with Gate? In a sense..*.if he can forgive me,then I should be able to forgive him.*
> 
> Anyway,I'm in agreement with SGW,and hope for the best outcome for you all as a family.Take care of yourselves.


Yes TBT... it was that as well. Part of me was wanting to hurt him and part of me wanted desperately to forgive him... be more level with him. 


Yes I suppose i did lower my standards... as another poster said. Yes I did tell him and he suprised me because he didnt say anything... he just grabbed me and well.... he just took me.. if that makes sense....

He did say later that he wasnt happy about it and he thinks he drove me to it. I assured him he didnt drive me to do anything. I was drunk and made a very poor decision. 

As to those who have the impression that I was or am trying to justify anything... I'd like to know what part of my posts give that impression. I certainly wasn't trying to justify or reason away anything. As for the him right away... I tell gate everything right away. It's just how I am with everything. That's one of our differences. I inform him about pretty much everything i do and he doesnt inform me until later or i find out through someone or something else. 

For example... He could tell me he ran into someone and they had a conversation.... the way he presents it though is like this... 


"Oh I just ran into Mr S and...." 

Of course when i ask him something like... 

"Oh why didn't he come with you to see the kids?" 

I get...

"That was three weeks ago hun."

In my mind... "Just" means a few minutes or few hours ago.... in his... apparently three weeks to months ago... 


Anyway I just rambled on a bit there. 


Oh and no he didn't minimize what he did btw. Just to let you all know. 


Slowly... I am really liking your list. I've been pondering over it for awhile and feel it may be just what we need. Will have to see what he thinks later on when he's off work.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

badbane said:


> Yes there are but you gotta stop trying to help lost causes. Have you read through No More Mr. Nice Guy. it is not just for men. I have always had a white knight complex and found myself with a lot of lost causes. sometimes I worry that my marriage is a white knight scenario.
> Also how bad is your WH's schizophrenia?


No I haven't and I don't see him as a lost cause. It depends on the stress we are under.... He has taken up smoking again... which as much as I hate that habit of his... I am glad he did. He seems alot more focused and calm when he smokes... less likely to snap and do something impulsive. 

I don't think his schizophrenia is that bad... although he has said he wants to get back on his meds.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Gaia-----you need to stop saying you made a mistake----adding 2 and 2 and getting 5 is a mistake-----driving down the wrong street is a mistake

What you did was by choice---it was a choice you made, knowing everything that, that choice would involve----good/bad/indifferent-----this was not a mistake, but a choice, or series of choices made by you.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Jnj.. i don't keep saying I made a mistake. I would like for people to actually read what i post. I said people make mistakes... and mistakes do include bad decisions mind you. I clearly stated I made a poor decision out of anger, hurt, and sorrow. 

In my original post i stated that a friend of mine made the statement... "Your entitled to make mistakes..." I clearly stated throughout this entire thread that I was against that line of thinking so i would appreciate if people stop assuming I said anything about me making a mistake. 

Of course if you would like to get technical then yes it was a mistake. Even the way you described it jnj... adding 2 and 2 and getting five is brought about by a series of choices. 

A mistake by definition is an action or judgement that is misguided or wrong. It doesn't mean an action done unknowningly that ended up being wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, wrongdoings, faults, whatever you wish to call it.

I in no way feel or think I or anyone is entitled to make them. 

I think your confusing mistake with accident.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Gaia said:


> There has been nothing pleasant about dealing with drama from my experience.


That's what people who live with drama say.

Yet it they live it. There are a lot of parallels with things that are not" pleasant" like drug addiction or being a serial killer or war or whatever. Exquisite horror. 

The most interesting I find are the emotional vampires that seem to do the most inexplicable self-destructive things, but that's their whole gig - the way they exercise power is drawing people into their dramas, getting people to think they can help. People can't believe that someone would actually operate in that fashion but that's exactly why it works. Not saying you are one of those, just that the horror and anguish of relentlessly self-destructive acts is a kind of rush certain personality types crave. 

We're addressing getting drunk and sexting some random person in response to the revelation of an affair if I am not mistaken. 

I just don't see how the children benefit in any of this.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> That's what people who live with drama say.
> 
> *I'm pretty sure everyone lives with a certain amount of drama regardless. Some more then others obviously.*
> 
> ...


Any of what exactly? A drunken conversation? If you have something on your mind that you need to get off your chest then go ahead and do it. Keep in mind that it was never stated that this action had anything to do with the kids nor was it ever stated that it would benefit them either.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I have learned to hate the internet (this site is a RARE exception), texting, cell phones, all that. I no longer have a computer at home, nor a cell phone of my own (we share ONE cell and one Kindle). 

She has internet access all the time at home, unfettered. At work there are many restrictions on where I can go. Other than this site, my stuff is all work-related. We have no online presence whatsoever. I would say 99% of peoples' FB pages are phony, just like 99% of people out there will screw you over if given an opening. 

It's too easy these days for stuff like what happened to you to happen. Granted, it's also a mindset; the technology itself doesn't make your choices. But we trashed two iPhones and three computers in the aftermath of our donnybrook. It's like making sure you don't get in situations (at work, socially, etc.) where you are placed in a work situation, for example, with someone of the opposite sex. Just avoid it wherever you possibly, feasibly can. 

Like wearing a social condom, just protect your marriage that way too, the best you can.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

People call cheating a mistake to garner support/sympathy for their actions.

Cheating isn't a mistake. Someone cheated because they wanted to. Not because they knew it was the wrong thing to do and accidentally fooled around with someone else.

Call it a lousy character decision. But a mistake? No.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Gaia said:


> No I haven't and I don't see him as a lost cause. It depends on the stress we are under.... He has taken up smoking again... which as much as I hate that habit of his... I am glad he did. He seems alot more focused and calm when he smokes... less likely to snap and do something impulsive.
> 
> I don't think his schizophrenia is that bad... although he has said he wants to get back on his meds.


If he's not on meds, let him smoke. There are several peer-reviewed, documented studies showing that nicotine alleviates some of the symptoms of schizophrenia. He actually IS more focused and calm when the nicotine is in his system. It's a long-standing and actually effective way for schizophrenics in particular to self-medicate.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Gaia, somehow I missed the stuff about Gate cheating. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that.

I hope you can find some peace soon.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Any of what exactly? A drunken conversation? If you have something on your mind that you need to get off your chest then go ahead and do it.


I've been doing just that, and this is a cycle as opposed to an independent event. 

The statments about everyone having drama is rationalization. The stuff about the families having drama and being guilt-tripped into it...

You guys are in control of your lives like most everyone else. You've made choices. Bad family has to be cut out of your life and boundaries drawn no matter how tragic it is. Once you have children then exposing them to that is too destructive to their development. 



> Keep in mind that it was never stated that this action had anything to do with the kids nor was it ever stated that it would benefit them either.


So you have trained well in defensiveness, which is something that people in these kinds of environments excell at. 

Someone makes the point that this is not good for the children, and the response is "I didn't say it was good for the children". 

That's a diversion, changing the topic to an "unfair accusation" by me. Look how wrong I am to accuse you of saying this was good for the children. I guess I should apologize. 

You will have seen someone else do this. So you learned it, and your kids will do the same. 

The keen eye will also notice "it was never stated" instead of "I never stated". This is called passive voice and is also a learned trait, namely to remove the actor from the associated verb. Things just "happen" rather than assigning responsibility.

If you are following the Jodi Arias trial for example you will see this in abundance. "The gun went off" instead of "I shot him". People who accept responsibility instead of evade it speak in the positive voice. Passive voice is clumsy and unnatural, where the natural instinct to speak in positive voice is over-ridden by an editor conscious of removing their responsibility from events. 

I anticipate the over-analyzing reaction or the "you are unqualified" reaction so let me end with this: the children have to be the highest priority in your life and you are responsible for them. Nothing can be more important than providing them with a secure, stable, nurturing and positive environment. It has to be the immediate reaction to whatever happens in your life - what the right thing to do for the kids is. 

This isn't out of malice, but rather to point the focus where it belongs, not on a tit-for-tat cycle of "he did this, so I did that, and he did this next..."


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