# Found Hotel key card and condom in husband's car



## Trying Again (Aug 8, 2014)

I found a small paper packet with two hotel key cards in my husband's car, along with a condom hidden wrapped up in a folded sheet of paper. I confronted him, and he was stunned. He was caught. He admitted that he did meet a woman in the hotel (he had no choice since I had the evidence), but then he insisted that after 10 minutes, he "walked away from the situation." When I pressed him to explain why he would go to all that trouble to meet a woman and then arrange to buy a hotel room, buy condoms, etc., he answered that he never had sex with her and left before anything happened. I do NOT believe him. We have been married 10 years, the second marriage for both of us. He is ten years older than I am. He claims that he never had an EA with her or anyone else. I asked him if it's true that he "walked away" like he claims he did, why did he keep the key cards to the room? WHy did he have a condom ready? No doubt for the next encounter! I told him that I believe he bought the room for an extended period of time, maybe a week, and met her for sex on a regular basis, and if not HER, then with others. He said he doesn't know why he kept the cards, and that was the only time he got a hotel room, that one time. Obviously I am going through a difficult experience believing him although he insists that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage. He stated that he wants me to trust him and does not plan to do it again. He said he wants to "renew" our marriage and does not want me to divorce him. Here is one (of many) question I have: Since I have the key cards in my possession, is there any way I can check the DATE of that encounter? The name of the hotel (Day's Inn) along with the Room #139 and a number 8444 is written on the key card packet. What does the 8444 mean? Is there any way that I can check if he rented the room for multiple days?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Can the numbers be the last four of a credit card number? If so, check your card activity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Arrange for a lie detector test, and there is a good chance you will get the truth in the parking lot.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If your husband was truly remorseful, he'd be bending over backwards to prove his innocence to you. He could call the hotel (in front of you) and ask for all his invoices for the past 6 months. He could show you all his credit card statements and cell phone bills, identifying his activities. 

Did he tell you who this woman is?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If he's so keen on you trusting him after he's busted with the evidence, tell him to offer up the information. Which hotel? When did he go there? When did he reserve the room? How did he pay?

Have you looked at his cell phone? Asked for passwords for his email/fb/instagram/twitter?

Put a VAR in his car.

And I am really sorry this has happened. It really throws people down a huge painful hole. Keep breathing.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TryAgain,

It might be possible he is coming clean with that happened. My FIL had "second thoughts" when he attempted a hotel stunt with a co-worker. He said to his wife(my MIL) that he could not get erect. Called it off. Second time he was successful as it were... 

At any rate, hopefully your H has been discovered before any PA occurred. Time for H to turn over all electronic devices with passwords. He needs to provide a timeline of how he got to this spot. AND he needs to explain why he got to this spot. 

I hope you do not find anymore, however, lying is part of the arsenal of cheaters. There might be more coming. Look for TT(trickle truth).


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

8444 is probably a reservation number. 

Was it a hotel in your hometown, or was it someplace he was travelling to? 

If it is nearby to you, GO to the hotel, with your hub, and make him ask them for the info you want in your presence, or ask for another copy of the receipt. Assuming there is more (rarely does a WS admit to anything other than what can be proven, at first... classic Trickle truth), you will likely get a deeper confession on the way there.

If it is not in your hometown, have hubs CALL them with you on the other line, and ask for receipt to be sent to him. Same effect.

Either way, be sure you are with him so there are no excuses about what they couldn't provide. I assure you, they can if he used a credit card. I get receipts sent to me for my hotel travel expenses so that I can get reimbursed from work all the time. If he paid cash, there is still a record, so maybe 8444 can help.

Prepare yourself... it is insulting to ask you to believe he "walked away" after going that far without any proof otherwise or detail being offered up. 

Addendum: Do not call or go to the hotel yourself, they likely won't tell you without being able to identify yourself as the person who rented the room. Make him do it with you... this will also be very telling in how he acts and approaches it.


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## Trying Again (Aug 8, 2014)

So far he seems to be bending over backwards to get me to trust him. However, he volunteered to take a polygraph test more than a week ago, but has not done anything about it. He told me I could see his credit cards and phone bills FROM HERE ON IN because he said he he wants to put the past behind us and "work toward a happy Future" instead. I still don't believe he got the hotel for one night. WHY would he keep those cards? Do you think the Days Inn hotel be willing to tell me for how many days the room was rented? Although he tells me that he never had sex with ANY woman, and that was the only hotel room he ever rented, I do not believe him. He could have paid cash for the hotel room, so it wouldn't show on a credit card. I am so sad -- he says he wants to move forward and shows great remorse for hurting me, but I can't trust him without knowing


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon TryingAgain
I don't see any point in trying to track down more information. You can never *prove* he had sex and he can't *prove* he didn't but the evidence sure makes it likely. He certainly went to the hotel with the plan of having sex, whether or not he went through with it. 

For now, pissed as you are, try to consider rationally:

Why do you think he did this? Is he missing something at home? Does he not have any self control? Is he just selfish and doesn't care about anyone else. If the reasons for cheating don't go away you can assume he will do it again.

If he will cheat again, do you want to stay with him?

If you could be sure he won't cheat again do you want to stay with him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why from "here on in"? Not the past? Stop letting him put on conditions and limits. 

If he's not willing to be open on everything, there's more you don't know and he's hiding. You can't forgive unless you know what you're forgiving. 

And again... Did he tell you who the woman was?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

schedule the poly.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Why from "here on in"? Not the past? Stop letting him put on conditions and limits.
> 
> If he's not willing to be open on everything, there's more you don't know and he's hiding. You can't forgive unless you know what you're forgiving.
> 
> ...


:iagree: ^ and this! ^ 
Who is she? was she a "paid escort", someone he knows, works with? some YOU know?? He needs to come clean if he's to have any chance of you forgiving him, you have to know what it is you're forgiving... so far, that's not seeming to be the case. MAKE him show you past credit card bills (why do you not see these anyway?)... make him explain, in detail, all you want to know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) Get STD tested STAT

2) Tell him you either get to see his cc stmts for the last 2 years immediately or he packs his bags and leaves and you get a lawyer

3) Same thing with his phone, his emails, his computer/tablet/laptop, his bank statements, and anything else he has such as facebook. He does this WITHOUT time to delete anything, plus he gives you the passwords

4) He calls the Days Inn on speakerphone with you and gets the details with respect to what you found

5) You schedule a polygraph and do NOT let him back out (this often elicits a parking lot confession)

Cheaters only admit to what they've been caught at.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> 1) Get STD tested STAT
> 
> 2) Tell him you either get to see his cc stmts for the last 2 years immediately or he packs his bags and leaves and you get a lawyer
> 
> ...


Hope's got your TDL nailed. Take heed.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

No credit card statement from the past, no more marriage. It's that simple. You cannot forgive what is concealed from you.

Re: condom
Many cheaters don't bother with this detail. Good if he did.

Re: her identity
Tell your husband that you insist on knowing who she is. If she is married, you may conclude that your husband cared not a whit about the other man's marriage. Does the OW 
have chidren?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Re: her identity
> Tell your husband that you insist on knowing who she is. If she is married, you may conclude that your husband cared not a whit about the other man's marriage. Does the OW
> have chidren?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she wasn't married, he probably wouldn't have had to meet her at the Days Inn (assuming she's not an escort). Assuming she's married, her husband deserves to know, but make no mention of any desire to notify her husband, else he'll just be that more vigilant about protecting her identity.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Trying Again said:


> So far he seems to be bending over backwards to get me to trust him. However, he volunteered to take a polygraph test more than a week ago, but has not done anything about it. He told me I could see his credit cards and phone bills FROM HERE ON IN because he said he he wants to put the past behind us and "work toward a happy Future" instead. I still don't believe he got the hotel for one night. WHY would he keep those cards? Do you think the Days Inn hotel be willing to tell me for how many days the room was rented? Although he tells me that he never had sex with ANY woman, and that was the only hotel room he ever rented, I do not believe him. He could have paid cash for the hotel room, so it wouldn't show on a credit card. I am so sad -- he says he wants to move forward and shows great remorse for hurting me, but I can't trust him without knowing


It sounds like he is doing the right thing. Willing to take a poly. Go ahead and schedule it. Tell H time and place when done. Credit card statements will show charges to whom. Bank statements will show large withdrawals of cash. Go through these and identify any. 

H cannot move forward and RUG SWEEP. You move forward at your pace. Until then H becomes transparent with everything! Who she is. How they met. Coworker? If so, H needs to find a new job or this A will never stop.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

verify verify verify

Of course he WANTS you to trust him. But he is not in a position to tell you how that trust will occur, or how long-if ever-it takes for it to come back.
I agree with others, get the bank statements, all credit card statements, and cell phone records.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do you not have acesess to his credit card statement? Do you have access to the card? Call the 800 number and the automated system will give you the past transactions. It will say amount, date, and vendor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying Again (Aug 8, 2014)

Husband claims he met the woman online and the first time he saw her was at the hotel. He says he did not remember her name. He claims that when he saw her, he knew things wouldn't work out. Husband is 70 years old, so I told him that maybe he couldn't "get it up," or maybe it was she who just wasn't attracted to him. I am 60, but look much younger, slim, nice body. He is retired and I still work, so he has the time and opportunity, however, he also said he did this because I was not showing interest in him anymore. I admit that he can be childish and self-centered, and I would resent his behavior. Without going into boring details, he did come clean that he paid for several "hand jobs" and met 5 different women for coffee or drinks, but none went any further. He is not a good looking man but I always tried to make him feel like he was throughout our marriage. We have had long talks throughout this past week and he continues to say he is sorry he hurt me and he knows trust takes a long time to rebuild. He wants to try to work things out between us. He told me that none of the women he met were as attractive as I was (BS-ing me?) He seems very ashamed, but I still think I'll buy a var (saw that mentioned here, not sure what it is.) He insists that there never was an emotional affair. He said I could see his emails, credit cards, phone, etc. I told him that he just wants to spare hurting me by letting me see past emails. He seems scared that I'll leave him. We each have our own computers so I can't monitor his easily. I'm hearing everything you all are saying, thank you for your input and ideas. What is a VAR and how does it work -- where to purchase? Very depressed.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Who cares what he SAYS?? He is a proven liar and a cheater. He can talk till he's blue in the face - it's his ACTIONS that matter here.

I repeat:



Hope1964 said:


> 1) Get STD tested STAT
> 
> 2) Tell him you either get to see his cc stmts for the last 2 years immediately or he packs his bags and leaves and you get a lawyer
> 
> ...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

A VAR is a voice activated recorder and has helped lots of spouses.

Please, please, please, try to remember you did not cause this.
This is not your fault.
You are not responsible for his actions.
You did not drive him to do this.
This is on him, all of it, every ugly little bit.
This is not your fault.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> 2) Tell him you either get to see his cc stmts for the last 2 years immediately


Also, get the detailed ones that cost money. There are two types and people do not know the free ones, the older they are, do not always breakdown when and where the purchases were made.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trying Again said:


> Husband claims he met the woman online and the first time he saw her was at the hotel. He says he did not remember her name. He claims that when he saw her, he knew things wouldn't work out. Husband is 70 years old, so I told him that maybe he couldn't "get it up," or maybe it was she who just wasn't attracted to him. I am 60, but look much younger, slim, nice body. He is retired and I still work, so he has the time and opportunity, however, he also said he did this because I was not showing interest in him anymore. I admit that he can be childish and self-centered, and I would resent his behavior. Without going into boring details, he did come clean that he paid for several "hand jobs" and met 5 different women for coffee or drinks, but none went any further. He is not a good looking man but I always tried to make him feel like he was throughout our marriage. We have had long talks throughout this past week and he continues to say he is sorry he hurt me and he knows trust takes a long time to rebuild. He wants to try to work things out between us. He told me that none of the women he met were as attractive as I was (BS-ing me?) He seems very ashamed, but I still think I'll buy a var (saw that mentioned here, not sure what it is.) He insists that there never was an emotional affair. He said I could see his emails, credit cards, phone, etc. I told him that he just wants to spare hurting me by letting me see past emails. He seems scared that I'll leave him. We each have our own computers so I can't monitor his easily. I'm hearing everything you all are saying, thank you for your input and ideas. What is a VAR and how does it work -- where to purchase? Very depressed.


His computer / e-mail accounts / credit cards / bank statements though should all be wide open to you - past, future and present. And you need to look at them until you are comfortable that you know the entire story.

I know it really hurts right now - but one of the worst things about these situations is when you just continually stumble upon little things and realize there is more to the story (trickle truth).

VAR = Voice Activated Recorder. Please be aware that recording someone without their consent can be illegal, so what you find out might have to just stay with you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you post this under a different name recently? It sounds very familiar.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Trying Again said:


> He says he did not remember her name.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Was it in Arlington, TX? 8444 is the last 4 digits of the phone number for the Day's Inn there. The clerk may have written the number there because it's the extension for the hotel switchboard when called on the internal phone system. He may have said when he was checking in that he needed to contact them for some reason so the clerk wrote it there. It was hand written, right? same pen/handwriting as the room number? I assume it wasn't some number your husband scrawled there using the key card holder as scrap paper?

Likewise, it might be the code for wireless access. Or could be an internal hotel charge number to be used for charging instead of giving the room number - to reduce chance of people charging things to other rooms. I think i remember at least some hotels doing it this way.

Having the key card doesn't mean that he still had the room. Hotels often don't ask for the keys when you check out or you have automatic check out so I sometimes find that I leave the hotel with them by accident.

Anyway, that doesn't matter. As others have said, you need him to agree to provide the evidence to you - financial records, etc. If he's been covering tracks by using cash, check the bank statements for large cash withdrawals that can't be explained. If he's been with prostitutes or with affair partners/mistress, etc. all of this requires a lot of money so the trail is there somewhere. Any prostitute coming out to a hotel will charge at least hundreds of dollars. If it's a girlfriend/mistress, they will likely do more than have sex - there will be lunches, dinners, drinks, gifts, etc.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Did you post this under a different name recently? It sounds very familiar.


Yes, I think this poster is the one with the husband that came home with the red nose.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Trying Again said:


> So far he seems to be bending over backwards to get me to trust him. However, he volunteered to take a polygraph test more than a week ago, but has not done anything about it. He told me I could see his credit cards and phone bills FROM HERE ON IN because he said he he wants to put the past behind us and "work toward a happy Future" instead. I still don't believe he got the hotel for one night. WHY would he keep those cards? Do you think the Days Inn hotel be willing to tell me for how many days the room was rented? Although he tells me that he never had sex with ANY woman, and that was the only hotel room he ever rented, I do not believe him. He could have paid cash for the hotel room, so it wouldn't show on a credit card. I am so sad -- he says he wants to move forward and shows great remorse for hurting me, but I can't trust him without knowing


OK, step back and look at the situation...

Yes, he has betrayed you. Has he done so before? Who knows. Does it matter? No. Not a bit. He is who he is- a betrayer. And he had to be caught with the evidence before he would confess. And even then he tried to minimize it. Will he do so again? Most likely.

So those are the facts.

So what are you going to do about it?

Either accept him for who and what he is and learn to deal with it (and the lack of trust/faith...) or maybe consider a different husband.

Sorry if this seems so judgmental, but a man who favors prostitutes is a man with a serious problem. And one that will continue. Very very very few men can only eat one potato chip- catch my drift?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

From the other thread:



> hank you everyone for your posts in response to my question about my husband's red nose. In the interim, My WS and I have had long talks and he admitted to getting the room but he told me he walked out after 10 minutes because he didn't want to go through with it. He wants to reconcile, does not want to get a divorce, and after 5 days of non-stop discussion of our relationship, he says that he will do everything he can to earn my trust. He is 72 years old and not exactly a stud-muffin. I am more than 10 years younger than him and I'm in very good shape, slim, fit and attractive He insists that he is sorry to have hurt me, said he was wrong and immature to do that and told me I did not deserve his behavior. He knows I don't believe his story ... but he insists that he wants me to be happy and wants our marriage to work. The way I found out about the hotel room was from searching through his car for evidence and I found the the hotel room key-cards that unlock the door for a room at a Days Inn. Why he would keep those I don't know. I asked him why he kept them. Believe me, I ripped him to shreds over this fir five straight days and he seems genuinely contrite, remorseful and asked me to forgive him. I may still contact the hotel to find out whether he rented to room for several days. Maybe the desk clerk will tell me ... otherwise, why would he keep the key cards? I want to believe that he is remorseful but I am ready to leave if I feel he can't be trusted.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

it seems we get the exact same lame excuse on here every two or three weeks: "I DID meet a woman at the hotel with a condom in my pocket, but I left after only 10 minutes after I had a vision from God..."

can't cheaters be more creative? Like "The CIA recruited me for a spy mission, and the condom is to hold microchips smuggled out of china.....I was only going to meet the agent, a female one....it was my duty to the country!"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> From the other thread:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

KatStar


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, OP, can you tell us why you posted under one username then came and posted under another? Did you not like the advice you were given or did you forget your login or what?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> it seems we get the exact same lame excuse on here every two or three weeks: "I DID meet a woman at the hotel with a condom in my pocket, but I left after only 10 minutes after I had a vision from God..."
> 
> can't cheaters be more creative? Like "The CIA recruited me for a spy mission, and the condom is to hold microchips smuggled out of china.....I was only going to meet the agent, a female one....it was my duty to the country!"


I'm wondering how often it really happens that a married guy can't get it up in these situations.

I was on a girl's weekend a few weeks ago and we all were hanging out at the resort bar. My single friend strikes up a conversation with a man at the bar and after a while they end up going back to his room. He was about 10+ years younger than her, (she's 50). She tells us later that nothing happened because he couldn't get erect and then she finds out he's married and his wife and kids are going to join him the next day, (he was there for a conference). I don't know if the reason he couldn't get it up is because he's married or the family was going to be there later but it's kind of gross.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know, whether they can get it up or follow through or whatever really doesn't matter. Their intentions are what counts. My husband went to a hotel to meet up with a woman and go to her room with her. She never showed - he was being scammed actually, which I do know for a fact - so he never got his piece of tail, but I couldn't care less. The fact is, he was at a hotel to screw another woman. I kicked him out anyway.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You know, whether they can get it up or follow through or whatever really doesn't matter. Their intentions are what counts. My husband went to a hotel to meet up with a woman and go to her room with her. She never showed - he was being scammed actually, which I do know for a fact - so he never got his piece of tail, but I couldn't care less. The fact is, he was at a hotel to screw another woman. I kicked him out anyway.


I totally agree with you.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Just checking I have this straight: He cops to having met 5 women 'just for coffee or drinks’ + 'several' other women whom he paid for handjobs + this woman for sex, but walked out... and you, who posts here under 2 different names and was worried about a red nose, believe him. OK. 

I'll just watch then.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

2xloser said:


> and you, who posts here under 2 different names and was worried about a red nose, believe him. OK.


I think I know her husband


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Trying Again said:


> Husband claims he met the woman online and the first time he saw her was at the hotel. He says he did not remember her name. He claims that when he saw her, he knew things wouldn't work out. Husband is 70 years old, so I told him that maybe he couldn't "get it up," or maybe it was she who just wasn't attracted to him. I am 60, but look much younger, slim, nice body. He is retired and I still work, so he has the time and opportunity, however, he also said he did this because I was not showing interest in him anymore. I admit that he can be childish and self-centered, and I would resent his behavior. W*ithout going into boring details, he did come clean that he paid for several "hand jobs" and met 5 different women for coffee or drinks, but none went any further. * He is not a good looking man but I always tried to make him feel like he was throughout our marriage. We have had long talks throughout this past week and he continues to say he is sorry he hurt me and he knows trust takes a long time to rebuild. He wants to try to work things out between us. He told me that none of the women he met were as attractive as I was (BS-ing me?) He seems very ashamed, but I still think I'll buy a var (saw that mentioned here, not sure what it is.) He insists that there never was an emotional affair. He said I could see his emails, credit cards, phone, etc. I told him that he just wants to spare hurting me by letting me see past emails. He seems scared that I'll leave him. We each have our own computers so I can't monitor his easily. I'm hearing everything you all are saying, thank you for your input and ideas. What is a VAR and how does it work -- where to purchase? Very depressed.


*THIS* is cheating. Do you really want to stick around with a man who has done this behind your back? :scratchhead:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Yes, I think this poster is the one with the husband that came home with the red nose.


Right!!

Thanks -- I couldn't remember but I thought it sounded familiar. 

OP, why two threads on the same subject?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Why all the suggestions for VARs, and other forms of spying? He either cheated or was close enough to it that it makes no difference. One can assume he very likely did it more than once.

What else is there to look for?


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## Trying Again (Aug 8, 2014)

To 2xloser and lenzel -- You are being RUDE to me when I come to this forum to discuss this painful topic. To Hope1964 and Openminded -- some people mocked my post the first time as KatStar when I was in shock and trying to understand my own situation. Now I come back to be "Trying Again" with the forum to get help since there is additional things that have happened, and because I need help, advice and understanding, which many of you have kindly and thoughtfully given. I have gone through shock, anger, fear, depression, and now I feel lost. For those of you who want to mock my situtation, well, I am sorry you are so cynical -- please don't take your cyncial and rude behavior out on me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening TryingAgain
Sadly, this is the internet so there are all sorts of people here, and you can't know who they are, and they can't know if you are real or a troll. There are people who post to groups like this just to cause trouble. 

I think all you can do is read what people write and listen to things that make sense and ignore those that are rude, stupid or biased. 





Trying Again said:


> To 2xloser and lenzel -- You are being RUDE to me when I come to this forum to discuss this painful topic. To Hope1964 and Openminded -- some people mocked my post the first time as KatStar when I was in shock and trying to understand my own situation. Now I come back to be "Trying Again" with the forum to get help since there is additional things that have happened, and because I need help, advice and understanding, which many of you have kindly and thoughtfully given. I have gone through shock, anger, fear, depression, and now I feel lost. For those of you who want to mock my situtation, well, I am sorry you are so cynical -- please don't take your cyncial and rude behavior out on me.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, he's cheating. Tip of the iceberg. You're looking for answers that either are not there or will make the situation "go away".

No one wants this news. 

Your husband is a liar. 

Your husband has been lying. 

Terrible hard facts. He's not changing, he just wants to appease you and lull you into forgetting. IMO of course. 

It sounds like you don't want this to be true. We all wanted it not to be true. It's true. 

Very sad. You're husband sounds like a sad man. I'd divorce him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

i did not mock you when I posted in your first thread & I will weigh in here with a similar comment.

Your WH has been lying to you and continues to lie, we are all sure.

If I were you, I would kick him out. Without serious consequences, he knows that all he has to do is admit to a few things, act forlorn and sorry, and you will be angry for a while, but ultimately let him stay.

And then, since he's still getting away with it, nothing really changes.

Real consequences. He won't understand anything else.

And again. I would bet the store that you have the tip of the iceberg.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I really wasn't mocking you. Truly. But I WAS trying to get you to see that you have plenty of the facts you need to make decisions. You talked about a polygraph... for what? imho He's cheated, and he's lied, then he's admitted it... and you seem to be a bit hell-bent on not seeing it because, like Rugs said, you (of course) don't want it to be true. 

My poorly-stated point was that if you can't see what's already right in front of you for what it is, and focus on other things like his red nose and not his actions, then no advice given here or anywhere else is going to help you. There is no way to "make" a cheater tell you the entire truth if they decide they are not going to. Polygraph might help, talking to the hotel might help. But if it turns out you now know everything, would it matter? That is not mocking you in any way, it's a cold reality question. But it sounds like coffee with women and paid for handjobs are OK with you to live with, but sex in a hotel would not be, and I see that I assumed differently when I shouldn't have.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, when you come to a board dealing with infidelity, its best not to start off with your own trickle-truth.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Trying Again said:


> So far he seems to be bending over backwards to get me to trust him. However, he volunteered to take a polygraph test more than a week ago, but has not done anything about it. * He told me I could see his credit cards and phone bills FROM HERE ON IN because he said he he wants to put the past behind us and "work toward a happy Future" instead. *I still don't believe he got the hotel for one night. WHY would he keep those cards? Do you think the Days Inn hotel be willing to tell me for how many days the room was rented? Although he tells me that he never had sex with ANY woman, and that was the only hotel room he ever rented, I do not believe him. He could have paid cash for the hotel room, so it wouldn't show on a credit card. I am so sad -- he says he wants to move forward and shows great remorse for hurting me, but I can't trust him without knowing


Did he seriously think you would buy that "from here on in" part?
Gaslighting with the 'the past is the past, attitude and 'lets think of the future, really? Does he think you are that dumb? Wishful thinking on his part. If he is serious he tells all, by either going to the hotel with you or calling them with you on the line to get the receipt history, period, or it's just done. If he won't do this he's gotta go, that's it.

And, depending on how much crap you will put up with, it maybe should be over since he even rented the room in the first place, no matter what else happened.

You're right about one thing, though, you can't trust him.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Trying Again said:


> Husband claims he met the woman online and the first time he saw her was at the hotel. He says he did not remember her name. He claims that when he saw her, he knew things wouldn't work out. Husband is 70 years old, so I told him that maybe he couldn't "get it up," or maybe it was she who just wasn't attracted to him. I am 60, but look much younger, slim, nice body. He is retired and I still work, so he has the time and opportunity, however, he also said he did this because I was not showing interest in him anymore. I admit that he can be childish and self-centered, and I would resent his behavior. Without going into boring details, he did come clean that he paid for several "hand jobs" and met 5 different women for coffee or drinks, but none went any further. He is not a good looking man but I always tried to make him feel like he was throughout our marriage. We have had long talks throughout this past week and he continues to say he is sorry he hurt me and he knows trust takes a long time to rebuild. He wants to try to work things out between us. He told me that none of the women he met were as attractive as I was (BS-ing me?) He seems very ashamed, but I still think I'll buy a var (saw that mentioned here, not sure what it is.) He insists that there never was an emotional affair. He said I could see his emails, credit cards, phone, etc. I told him that he just wants to spare hurting me by letting me see past emails. He seems scared that I'll leave him. We each have our own computers so I can't monitor his easily. I'm hearing everything you all are saying, thank you for your input and ideas. What is a VAR and how does it work -- where to purchase? Very depressed.


I can't even begin to highlight the bullcrap lines, because all of them are except yours. He should be scared, use that to get what you need. He will trickle truth tiny bits of info you may buy to preserve what he thinks he has with you. Insist on it all.

And get the VAR -Voice Activated Recorder @ Best Buy for $50 , easy to use, get the extra wide self stick velcro at Walmart in the sewing notions area, find a spot under his car seat, that where most WSs think they are safe from the prying eyes of the world, their own little cheating haven. Make sure you read all the instructions and try it out first. There is a function to silence any beeping while recording.

You have to keep cool for a while and , if he asks about your status with him, just tell him you will let him know when he tells you everything you need to decide.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Trying Again is banned again. These trolls don't give up, do they?


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Oh well, I had no clue until people starting asking about her or his? previous username and thread.


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