# How do I get more attention from my husband?



## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

How can I get my husband to give me some attention? I feel so lonely anymore. He's a workaholic and when he comes home, the only physical attention I get is a hug/kiss, and then another before I go to bed. He eats his dinner, and watches tv until he falls asleep. 

I love my husband so much, and I miss him, even though he's still here. He doesn't take me seriously when I say I'd like some attention. I get it that he wants to come home, relax a little with the tv. He works hard and deserves some R & R. But he usually falls asleep in front of the tv and rarely comes to bed with me. When he does and wants sex, that's the ONLY time I get any attention. So, I often refuse, and tell him why. I always get the "I'm giving you attention right now" excuse. 

Thoughts? Ideas?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

More sex. More blowjobs.

Sorry to be blunt, but that'll work.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Go out to eat together a few times a month.

Cuddle with him on the couch.

Initiate hugs and kisses, don't just wait for him to dole them out to you.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

The times that I intiate sex, I'm often shot down b/c something good is on tv. It's like he only wants sex when it's his own terms/timetable.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Go out to eat together a few times a month.
> 
> Cuddle with him on the couch.
> 
> Initiate hugs and kisses, don't just wait for him to dole them out to you.


THIS is what I want and don't get. We never go out, he won't cuddle with me, etc.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lamaga said:


> more sex. More blowjobs.
> 
> Sorry to be blunt, but that'll work.


hell ya!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> The times that I intiate sex, *I'm often shot down b/c something good is on tv*. It's like he only wants sex when it's his own terms/timetable.


Which is why you should be going out more. 

Do you have a life outside of your husband? What do you do when he's not there?

I think that he's bored.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

fascination said:


> The times that I intiate sx, I'm often shot down b/c something good is on tv.


That's a BS excuse. When my W tries that with me, I offer to tape whatever she's watching, or do her on the sofa in front of the TV. She always goes for the tape option.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

fascination,

Building on lamaga's suggestion, why don't you try waking him up on the couch with a little oral?

Guys get emotionally connected through sex. If tou want any chance of him responding the way you want, sex him up and then talk about what you want/need. You'll have a better chance of getting it!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Plan things to do together on the weekends.

What is your husband's love language? Do you make him feel loved in a way that he can appreciate?

Is he spending so much time working because you have too much debt? If so, think of ways that you can cut down on spending to reduce your debt.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Fascination, we obviously know nothing about your life. But I'm still wondering about the sex thing. You say he turns you down when you initiate. How often do you turn him down? Because it sounds to me like you are rejecting sex quite a a bit and he's rejecting you out of spite. Is that possible?

And if not, pardon me. Speculation is kind of the lifeblood of these kinds of boards, but we all make mistakes.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> THIS is what I want and don't get. We never go out, he won't cuddle with me, etc.


Do you cook all the meals? If so, stop. 

I would stop being so available to him. He can't hurt you if you aren't there. What would he do if he came home and turned on the tv and you left? I'd find out.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Which is why you should be going out more.
> 
> Do you have a life outside of your husband? What do you do when he's not there?
> 
> I think that he's bored.


Yes, I have a life outside of my husband. I work, have 2 kids, many hobbies, and a house to take care of. If he's bored, then why doesn't he ever want to go out? 

This is exactly what I'm asking...to go out, to have an actual relationship. I AM BORED.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> Yes, I have a life outside of my husband. I work, have 2 kids, many hobbies, and a house to take care of. If he's bored, then why doesn't he ever want to go out?
> 
> This is exactly what I'm asking...to go out, to have an actual relationship. I AM BORED.


If he's a workaholic, he's not married to you, he's married to his job.

Not much you can do about that other than protest. You can only change yourself though... through changing yourself, you can possibly change him. There are no guarantees.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

I was your husband and my wife eventually chose an EA! You have to get through to him. Get some counselling for yourself and with him if he will. Sit him down and tell him you are serious. Please do not let him carry on like this. He will thank you in the end. Be strong yourself and just keep at it in the nicest way you can. Give him affection, love, sex, etc, but stand up for what you need. As well, you need your own life. If he sees you successful, happy, making the most of those evenings he is in front of the TV, he will soon notice. Sign up for classes, go out with friends (make sure you include him in the invitation). Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

fascination said:


> How can I get my husband to give me some attention? I feel so lonely anymore. He's a workaholic and when he comes home, *the only physical attention I get is a hug/kiss, and then another before I go to bed.* He eats his dinner, and watches tv until he falls asleep.
> 
> I love my husband so much, and I miss him, even though he's still here. He doesn't take me seriously when I say I'd like some attention. I get it that he wants to come home, relax a little with the tv. He works hard and deserves some R & R. But he usually falls asleep in front of the tv and rarely comes to bed with me. *When he does and wants sex, that's the ONLY time I get any attention. So, I often refuse, and tell him why.* I always get the "I'm giving you attention right now" excuse.
> 
> Thoughts? Ideas?


 The bold sections in your post bother me. You want his attention in a physical way but then deny him sex as a punishment for not giving you what you need. First I think that is not going to work for you. It will just further a wedge between the two of you. (If you are not in the mood decline it by all means but to deny him the physical closeness he asking for and that you your self are looking for is a bit counter productive.

If you want his attention STOP asking for it. You made your self clear. Start by having a life out side of the relationship in the evening when he is home. Join a book club or something productive and let the Mr. stay at home and make his own dinner. The second you take the focus off of him and what you need (and stop putting it in his face) from him the more likely he is going to take notice.
You could always invite him to join you on outings once a week. Plan dates and the like too. Be proactive and end his couch sitting every night. There are seven days in a week one day out with you will not steal his R&R (which is sounds like he gets plenty) I think a mix of focus on you and a date once a week will make things better just stop using sex as a weapon. It rarely ever motivates it usually makes for a growing bitterness on both side for the other.
Wow that was long sorry about that just have a lot to say today.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

OK, cross posted. You have a life. Still, don't hang around for him. Make what you do interesting enough that he wants to do it, and don't give up inviting him and telling him you want to share it - not pleading, just asking once then going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think the strongest thing you could do right now is also the easiest - if one of you initiates, make a pact that the other won't refuse (unless under exceptional circumstances).

When you want attention, you'll get it... when he wants it, he'll get it.

Use that to jumpstart the emotional connection and start figuring what else you BOTH need, and do it. You guys sound like you are filled with resentment to me.


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## cub!chy (May 7, 2012)

Get out of your conform zone, strip, dance for him, infront of his TV, there is no way that he will push you away. Be sensual, walk naked or in G-string, with no top in front of him, bend over, masturbate in front of him, if he drinks, drink with him, dive into his world. Get to know his shows, engage him at his level. Once there you can suggest changes. I am jumping around, as ideas come up, so I will be all over. Tie him to his chair, literally, blow him, tease him, if you don’t shave down under and change your look. If you don’t use makeup, use it, wear your hair up down, men love change, change and get his attention. Be more aggressive in bed, give him sex when he wants it, but you are the driver. He will be paying attention to you then, slip in that you want to go out tomorrow and as a woman, you can get anything you want before he c0mes.
If none of this gets his attention, send your kids to your parent or in-laws for 1 week day and remove all the TVs, DVRs, DVD, blue rays, computers, all the mass media stuff from your home, put it in storage or in a friends garage. That will get his attention, that will shock him and he will get it that you need, want and deserve more attention. Don’t let this go, fi you do, it will only get worse. Use your fem skills; those will get you want you want, good luck and write back if you use any of my methods.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

Toffer said:


> fascination,
> 
> Building on lamaga's suggestion, why don't you try waking him up on the couch with a little oral?
> 
> Guys get emotionally connected through sex. If tou want any chance of him responding the way you want, sex him up and then talk about what you want/need. You'll have a better chance of getting it!


So, seriously all I need to do is provide more sex? Is it really that easy?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Use your fem skills..........to get his attention but to manipulate it out of him all the time ...um, don't.
I get it you want him to WANT to give you attention and desire your company too. It will take time, work, and the little advise to shock him into turning his head your way is a good start but once you have it communicate with him about it. If he is doing a great job providing for the family being a good father and so forth mention to him that you appreciate all that he does. Praise can go a long way. 
See if there is something he needs from you as well. Sometimes people shut down like that because their needs are not being met and you might think you are meeting his needs but are actually fulfilling the wrong things. (read his needs her needs & love languages both helpful books)
Above all when ever he does give you attention, does something sweet, and things along those lines. Tell him how it makes you feel. Think about it if you are responding to his smooth moves in bed whether verbal or body language and it tells him he has done good then there are ways to tell him out side of the bed room that he has done good too. just a thought


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Plan things to do together on the weekends.
> 
> What is your husband's love language? Do you make him feel loved in a way that he can appreciate?
> 
> Is he spending so much time working because you have too much debt? If so, think of ways that you can cut down on spending to reduce your debt.


He spends weekends working, most of the time. What do you mean "love language"?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

fascination said:


> So, seriously all I need to do is provide more sex? Is it really that easy?


LOL you'd be surprised. You do something for him like that in the morning, and he'll be thinking of coming home to you all day, especially if you seem enthusiastic and not like you're forcing yourself.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

fascination said:


> So, seriously all I need to do is provide more sex? Is it really that easy?


Uh, frequently, yeah, it is.

Men are simpler than women. Lots of good sex and good food, they're pretty happy. (And before I get jumped on, I didn't say this. My H said it.)


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> He spends weekends working, most of the time. What do you mean "love language"?


Why does he work so much? 

The 5 love languages is a book. You should read it.

Here's a link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

fascination said:


> He spends weekends working, most of the time. What do you mean "love language"?


Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages

Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary D. Chapman: Books

They are words of affirmation, touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Couples need to know how their spouse feels loved, and make sure that they express their love in a way that will be appreciated.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Fascination, we obviously know nothing about your life. But I'm still wondering about the sex thing. You say he turns you down when you initiate. How often do you turn him down? Because it sounds to me like you are rejecting sex quite a a bit and he's rejecting you out of spite. Is that possible?
> 
> And if not, pardon me. Speculation is kind of the lifeblood of these kinds of boards, but we all make mistakes.


He doesn't ALWAYS turn me down. He kinda chuckles and then uses a lame "woman's excuse" like "I'm tired" or "I have a headache" or the tv thing. He also has a cleanliness thing, too (not about me, lol, about the surroundings of wherever we are at the moment). Quite frankly, he turns me down more than I do him. So, in actuality, I guess I kinda turn hime down out of spite, now that I think of it. I kinda have a rule that I won't turn him down three times in a row. But looking back, our sex life is always either really frequently or really not. There's really no inbetween.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, well, you're thinking now, Fasc, that's a good start.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to tell him how you feel. 

If he is only affectionate when he wants sex, that is not ok. I know people here are telling you to have moe sex, and that's all fine and good, but the fact is, he's not meeting your needs either. So you need to tell him straight up you feel neglected and want to be closer to him emotionally. Suggest ideas. 

You sound like you are really upset and disappointed with the situation. That is very important and a huge warning sign. And if you don't nhip this in the bud now, I can promise you, you are going to start resenting him if he doesn't meet you halfway or show empathy for how you feel. Resentment leads to a lot of bad things. 

WOMEN NEED that emotional connection/to feel loved/to feel connected to their partner. He needs to step up his game, too.

It's a 2-way street.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

fascination said:


> He doesn't ALWAYS turn me down. He kinda chuckles and then uses a lame "woman's excuse" like "I'm tired" or "I have a headache" or the tv thing. He also has a cleanliness thing, too (not about me, lol, about the surroundings of wherever we are at the moment). Quite frankly, he turns me down more than I do him.


How old are you? How long married? Kind of odd that a man would choose TV over s*x with his W. Has he always been this way?


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Do you cook all the meals? If so, stop.
> 
> I would stop being so available to him. He can't hurt you if you aren't there. What would he do if he came home and turned on the tv and you left? I'd find out.


Yes, pretty much I do cook all the meals. I can't just stop cooking, I do have two young kids to feed too! 

What would he do if I just left? Out of the blue without evening saying anything? He's go ape----- ballistic, more than likely. We rarely fight, or even argue for that matter. We've made it a point that we hash it out when we do have a matter, we don't leave the room until the problem is resolved. I don't consider this issue worthy of me walking out and turning into a fight.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

fascination said:


> THIS is what I want and don't get. We never go out, he won't cuddle with me, etc.


Did he take you out on dates before you got married? I'll bet he did. Ask him nicely and firmly to take you out on dates, at least a couple times a month preferably once a week.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

Seesaw said:


> I was your husband and my wife eventually chose an EA! You have to get through to him. Get some counselling for yourself and with him if he will. Sit him down and tell him you are serious. Please do not let him carry on like this. He will thank you in the end. Be strong yourself and just keep at it in the nicest way you can. Give him affection, love, sex, etc, but stand up for what you need. As well, you need your own life. If he sees you successful, happy, making the most of those evenings he is in front of the TV, he will soon notice. Sign up for classes, go out with friends (make sure you include him in the invitation). Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry, but what's an EA?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> Yes, pretty much I do cook all the meals. I can't just stop cooking, I do have two young kids to feed too!
> 
> What would he do if I just left? Out of the blue without evening saying anything? He's go ape----- ballistic, more than likely. We rarely fight, or even argue for that matter. We've made it a point that we hash it out when we do have a matter, we don't leave the room until the problem is resolved. I don't consider this issue worthy of me walking out and turning into a fight.


Why do you think he'd go apesh*t? But he ignores you unless he wants sex... 

Something else is going on here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EA = Emotional Affair


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"I don't consider this issue worthy of me walking out and turning into a fight."

Oh, Fasc. I think this is exactly an issue that is worthy of bringing all your mutual attention to bear -- not saying that it has to be a fight, but if it does, then it does. This is basic, lifetime stuff. This is the stuff that erodes marriages. I say better to have a fight about it now than in ten years. JMO.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> I'm sorry, but what's an EA?


Emotional Affair.

If you aren't getting your needs met through him, something like this can happen. You'll be getting them met through someone else.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Has he ever been a very affectionate guy? Romantic?


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You need to tell him how you feel.
> 
> If he is only affectionate when he wants sex, that is not ok. I know people here are telling you to have moe sex, and that's all fine and good, but the fact is, he's not meeting your needs either. So you need to tell him straight up you feel neglected and want to be closer to him emotionally. Suggest ideas.
> 
> ...


YES! He's only affectionate when he wants sex. 

Now I'm just so confused. Does sex = affection to a guy?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> YES! He's only affectionate when he wants sex.
> 
> Now I'm just so confused. Does sex = affection to a guy?


Yes. Sex is affection to him. So he is getting his core need met by you doing it willingly.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> How old are you? How long married? Kind of odd that a man would choose TV over s*x with his W. Has he always been this way?


We've been married 9 years. Except when we were dating, yes, he's pretty much always been that way.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

fascination said:


> YES! He's only affectionate when he wants sex.
> 
> Now I'm just so confused. Does sex = affection to a guy?


YES! It is the way that they feel loved and connected to you.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

fascination said:


> Yes, pretty much I do cook all the meals. I can't just stop cooking, I do have two young kids to feed too!



Let me tell you when I stopped being my husband's mommy, doing his laundry and making him meals I still had to take care of my kids. I fed them dinner before he got home and ate with them. If he was home I only cooked Kid friendly meals.

I too, like another poster, feel that there is much more going on here??? Are you codependent? Is someone having an affair? Is there marriage problems of any other kind going on? Is H depressed? There has to be something.:scratchhead:

Stop being afraid of his reaction because the point is to create a reason for him to react (with in healthy boundaries) so that you can get your desire for a change in the relationship a crossed to him.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You need to tell him how you feel.
> 
> If he is only affectionate when he wants sex, that is not ok. I know people here are telling you to have moe sex, and that's all fine and good, but the fact is, he's not meeting your needs either. So you need to tell him straight up you feel neglected and want to be closer to him emotionally. Suggest ideas.
> 
> ...


Fascination, that is my husband. I never turned him down, but it didn't matter, he never cared about my emotional needs. The only time he was ever affectionate was during the "act". It didn't matter how many times I talked to him, nothing changed. There were no hugs, no kisses, no sweet words, no flirting, no real discussions (at least from his side) just absolutely nothing from him. He is almost apathetic and has been since almost right after the wedding.

It's very lonely living like that.

I don't know if that is your husband too, but if so, like Jellybeans said, it will breed resentment. Hopefully, when you talk to him, he will really listen to what you're saying and take it seriously. Mine didn't, and as soon as I can, I'm gone.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Why do you think he'd go apesh*t? But he ignores you unless he wants sex...
> 
> Something else is going on here.


Like?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> We've been married 9 years. *Except when we were dating, yes, he's pretty much always been that way*.


So he did it to get you, and now the chase is over, no mas.

You let him get away with this. For all these years you let him get away with this, and now after 9 years, you're mad about him getting away with it.

You have to change this. You taught him how to treat you, and now you have to undo what he's learned.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> YES! It is the way that they feel loved and connected to you.


*But not the only way*. Men like wemon need other forms of affection like females do. Reassurence to know they are needed and desired. *Sex is not the only way or need!!!!!!!*


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

lamaga said:


> "I don't consider this issue worthy of me walking out and turning into a fight."
> 
> Oh, Fasc. I think this is exactly an issue that is worthy of bringing all your mutual attention to bear -- not saying that it has to be a fight, but if it does, then it does. This is basic, lifetime stuff. This is the stuff that erodes marriages. I say better to have a fight about it now than in ten years. JMO.


REALLY? I didn't think this was THAT big of a deal. I just thought I'd find a way to fix it; figure out what I'm doing wrong. But it seems like everyone else thinks it's a bigger deal that what I've realized myself. Is this what they call an "eye opening experience"?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Kurosity said:


> *But not the only way*. Men like wemon need other forms of affection like females do. Reassurence to know they are needed and desired. *Sex is not the only way or need!!!!!!!*


If touch is his love language, then yes, sex is the primary way that he feels loved by his wife.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> REALLY? I didn't think this was THAT big of a deal. I just thought I'd find a way to fix it; figure out what I'm doing wrong. But it seems like everyone else thinks it's a bigger deal that what I've realized myself. Is this what they call an "eye opening experience"?


It's such a big deal you came here to find help for it. Pretty serious stuff. 

You can't continue on not getting your needs met by your husband... it's a slippery slope you're on fasc.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Could be. Maybe not.

What you have to realize on fora like this is that everyone is coming from their own particular place, with their own particular experiences. We all have our biases -- some of us think you should be having more sex, some of us think your H is having an affair, blah blah blah.

Take what you need and leave the rest 

As I said before, you're thinking about it now, and that's good.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Has he ever been a very affectionate guy? Romantic?


He used to be affectionate. But I really can't recall when it pretty much stopped. Romantic? HA! Does he do nice things for me sometimes? Yes, but I wouldn't call ANY of them romantic.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> He used to be affectionate. But I really can't recall when it pretty much stopped. Romantic? HA! Does he do nice things for me sometimes? Yes, but I wouldn't call ANY of them romantic.


Why did you marry him?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

fascination said:


> He used to be affectionate. But I really can't recall when it pretty much stopped. Romantic? HA! Does he do nice things for me sometimes? Yes, but I wouldn't call ANY of them romantic.


This is a very common problem, especially among men. The romantic love phase rarely lasts longer than two years, often less. After that, it takes an act of will to continue or bring it back. A lot of people don't understand this and they need someone to help them get it into their heads


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is a very common problem, especially among men. The romantic love phase rarely lasts longer than two years, often less. After that, it takes an act of will to continue or bring it back. A lot of people don't understand this and they need someone to help them get it into their heads


More women need to do the 180 and it wouldn't be so common IMO.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> If touch is his love language, then yes, sex is the primary way that he feels loved by his wife.


 But it is not the only way. I was responding to the op being told that is was THE way (at least I interpreted it to being expressed that way)....If it is his primary way then naturally but the fact is his love language is unknown and it is unfair to men for people to say it is THE way they feel loved. It is boxing an entire sex into a label and makes it harder for people to understand that the other avenues of showing love and affection are needed by men as well.


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Why did you marry him?


My husband came into my life during a time when I needed him the most. I was borderline suicidal at the time. To this day he doesn't know it. What was ironic was that he opened up to me about the trouble in his life. I could relate. It was nice to have someone to share my burdens with. We began to spend a lot of time together. We were so much alike, yet so very different at the same time. We brought each other up. You know how every girl has that "ideal man" in her mind. Well, he was it. It was scary it was so accurate (in hindsight, I didn't have "romantic" on my "list" I assumed that came along with any husband, I guess). He could read me like a book. He knew when something was wrong, even if I was trying to hide it. He knew what made me happy. He was so confident in everything he did. He was always stopping what he was doing to help others. I found myself thinking of him all the time. I was in love. That's why I married him.

He's still very much all of these things and I still love him very much.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"He's still very much all of these things and I still love him very much."

And that's the main thing. Good for you!


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

I wanted to point something out. I should have mentioned this in the original post, but I'm trying to keep things as least detailed as possible, as I don't want anyone to know who I am. 

My husband works so much because in addition to his regular job, he has more work to do for us. We'll just call it "the project". It is WORK, yet it is not for pay. It is for our family and a large portion of it is just for me. I cannot go into detail about it. Yet, I can't be mad about it, because he's doing it for US. The brunt of this project should be over in about 4 months. So this working ridiculous amounts of time thing won't last forever.

Also, that book, "The Five Love Languages" sounded so familiar to me. I just went through a stack of old books my mom had given me, and it was in there. I'll definately be reading it.

Going to be doing some reading, lots of pondering, and some experiments. We'll see how it all plays out.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

abandonedcompletely said:


> Fascination, that is my husband. I never turned him down, but it didn't matter, he never cared about my emotional needs. The only time he was ever affectionate was during the "act". It didn't matter how many times I talked to him, nothing changed. There were no hugs, no kisses, no sweet words, no flirting, no real discussions (at least from his side) just absolutely nothing from him. He is almost apathetic and has been since almost right after the wedding.
> 
> It's very lonely living like that.
> 
> I don't know if that is your husband too, but if so, like Jellybeans said, it will breed resentment. Hopefully, when you talk to him, he will really listen to what you're saying and take it seriously. Mine didn't, and as soon as I can, I'm gone.


Wow. We're married to the same guy.  It's better to live alone then to be lonely living with someone else. My husband and I have been separated for 18 months and he's the same way and was the same way for most of our marriage. No matter what I've done or said or how I've acted he's cold, indifferent and could care less about our relationship or my feelings. 

At least now I can go back to my own place, live out my own life. Talking doesn't make a difference. Threats don't matter. Showing love and affection doesn't change things. Being sexually aggressive towards him just results in being pushed away and snapped at to "leave me alone".

When we do have sex not a word is spoken, there's hardly any affection shown. I feel like I should be left a $100 bill on my nightstand. 

It's the saddest, most demoralizing situation anyone can go through. 

Sometimes you just have to accept what is and walk away and live out your own life. You can't change a person or situation that doesn't want to be changed. You can only change yourself.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wow. We're married to the same guy.  It's better to live alone then to be lonely living with someone else. My husband and I have been separated for 18 months and he's the same way and was the same way for most of our marriage. No matter what I've done or said or how I've acted he's cold, indifferent and could care less about our relationship or my feelings.
> 
> At least now I can go back to my own place, live out my own life. Talking doesn't make a difference. Threats don't matter. Showing love and affection doesn't change things. Being sexually aggressive towards him just results in being pushed away and snapped at to "leave me alone".
> 
> ...


Wow, you're right! I think we did marry the same person!

You understand it exactly!!! Sadly, you had to experience it too.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

abandonedcompletely said:


> You understand it exactly!!! Sadly, you had to experience it too.


I could write a book and form a club and be President. The "Lonely and Horny Wives Club" 

I'm happier now that I'm not living with him. We remain friends but it's a struggle to keep my emotional distance from him. When I find myself getting drawn in and hopeful that things could change he always finds a way to remind me that it's not going to happen. He's very pleasant to spend time with but he has NO passion, no desire to become physically or emotionally intimate. It's very puzzling and sad. 

So over the years I've become very good at building my own life and doing my own things without him. I'm at the point where I don't even bother to ask him to spend time with me...It's totally up to him. But it's still frustrating to deal with.

The ironic thing is that he says I'M the one who is pushing HIM away! We are two people involved in an emotional tug of war and neither side is giving ground because of the pain, hurt and rejection that has been rampant throughout our entire relationship. How do you deal with that? 

Nowadays we deal with it pretty well. It's only when I start dwelling on the situation, thinking and feeling things with regards to my marriage/relationship that the feelings flare up again and I have to make a determined effort to put myself back into the right state of mind. 

Being physically separated is a BIG help. If we lived together we'd be fighting again. At least that's over.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

When I want attention, I go buck naked to my H and tell him "I want attention" literally. Upping our sex life has made a huge (cannot stress this enough) difference in our marriage. We had little affection (except for the stray peck) in our marriage for a long time until I took the bull by the horns and made him have sex and enjoy it damit. We definitely feel more connected and affectionate with each other.

Try it for a month and see what happens. That's what I did over 6 months ago. Every day I did something sexual with my H and we have not been closer since we started dating 23 years ago.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

fascination said:


> YES! He's only affectionate when he wants sex.
> 
> Now I'm just so confused. Does sex = affection to a guy?


Yes, for a man, sex is affection. For women, it's meeting emotional needs. The problem here is he's not meeting your needs. Bad things will happen to your marriage if this keeps happening. I can guarantee it. 



abandonedcompletely said:


> Fascination, that is my husband. I never turned him down, but it didn't matter, he never cared about my emotional needs. The only time he was ever affectionate was during the "act". It didn't matter how many times I talked to him, nothing changed. There were no hugs, no kisses, no sweet words, no flirting, no real discussions (at least from his side) just absolutely nothing from him. He is almost apathetic and has been since almost right after the wedding.
> 
> It's very lonely living like that.
> 
> I don't know if that is your husband too, but if so, like Jellybeans said, it will breed resentment. Hopefully, when you talk to him, he will really listen to what you're saying and take it seriously. Mine didn't, and as soon as I can, I'm gone.


This was my experience, too. You can only give so much beore you realize that your partner doesn't give a flying fvck about your feelings, especially after you've brought it up repeatedly and they are aware that you are feel that they aren't meeting you halfway/aren't willing to put forth the same effort. I ended up leaving.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

When he comes home at night, once or twice a week simply be "out".

He's taking you for granted, so stop waiting at the front door for him to come home. He isn't going to think anything about you until you break up the routine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:iagree:


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## fascination (Jun 12, 2012)

abandonedcompletely said:


> Fascination, that is my husband. I never turned him down, but it didn't matter, he never cared about my emotional needs. The only time he was ever affectionate was during the "act". It didn't matter how many times I talked to him, nothing changed. There were no hugs, no kisses, no sweet words, no flirting, no real discussions (at least from his side) just absolutely nothing from him. He is almost apathetic and has been since almost right after the wedding.
> 
> It's very lonely living like that.
> 
> I don't know if that is your husband too, but if so, like Jellybeans said, it will breed resentment. Hopefully, when you talk to him, he will really listen to what you're saying and take it seriously. Mine didn't, and as soon as I can, I'm gone.


No, this is definately NOT my husband. I'm so sorry about your situation (and the others that said they are in a similar situation as well).


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Don't turn him down for sex. Honestly. It's one major way they feel emotionally connected. Well, with what I've been reading.

Maybe sit next to your husband while he's watching tv and put your hand on his, arm, leg, hand, knee. 

My husband and I hold hands every night when he's winding down watching television. It's great quality time and we get a chance to talk to each other, flirt and kiss. It never leads to sex, that is during another time in that day.

He seeks me out to sit with him, but my husband loves affection too.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fascination said:


> My husband came into my life during a time when I needed him the most. I was borderline suicidal at the time. To this day he doesn't know it. What was ironic was that he opened up to me about the trouble in his life. I could relate. It was nice to have someone to share my burdens with. We began to spend a lot of time together. We were so much alike, yet so very different at the same time. We brought each other up. You know how every girl has that "ideal man" in her mind. Well, he was it. It was scary it was so accurate (in hindsight, I didn't have "romantic" on my "list" I assumed that came along with any husband, I guess). He could read me like a book. He knew when something was wrong, even if I was trying to hide it. He knew what made me happy. He was so confident in everything he did. He was always stopping what he was doing to help others. I found myself thinking of him all the time. I was in love. That's why I married him.
> 
> He's still very much all of these things and I still love him very much.


If the foundation of why you are together is there, the rest can be worked out. Both of you have base needs that should be met on a regular basis. He needs to be open to understand that, and I think the only way to get him to understand is for you to change how you interact with him. You have expectations for your relationship that either he's unaware of or is, but is just ignoring because of other priorities.

If he's working all the time, and on the other project for the family, I think you need to think about that and maybe make some adjustments to your expectations. If this is going to be done soon, cut him some slack. He can't be all things to you. You have to fill those gaps in for yourself.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

fascination said:


> He doesn't ALWAYS turn me down. He kinda chuckles and then uses a lame "woman's excuse" like "I'm tired" or "I have a headache" or the tv thing. He also has a cleanliness thing, too (not about me, lol, about the surroundings of wherever we are at the moment). Quite frankly, he turns me down more than I do him. So, in actuality, I guess I kinda turn hime down out of spite, now that I think of it. I kinda have a rule that I won't turn him down three times in a row. But looking back, our sex life is always either really frequently or really not. There's really no inbetween.


Consider using the TV time as a warm-up time. Sit next to him on the couch and start cuddling with him. Get some of the non-sexual physical initamcy then. 

If you want to ramp it up, start massaging him and rubbing his arms, chest, legs, then move on to other things. If he tells you the show is on, bat your eyes at him and tell him it is not bothering you, but once it is done, you need to head to bed with him. Sometimes, setting the stage for sex takes a bit of time, so start the process a bit earlier in the evening.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Shiksa said:


> When I want attention, I go buck naked to my H and tell him "I want attention" literally. Upping our sex life has made a huge (cannot stress this enough) difference in our marriage. We had little affection (except for the stray peck) in our marriage for a long time until I took the bull by the horns and made him have sex and enjoy it damit. We definitely feel more connected and affectionate with each other.
> 
> Try it for a month and see what happens. That's what I did over 6 months ago. Every day I did something sexual with my H and we have not been closer since we started dating 23 years ago.


I've tried this repeatedly over the past few years. Once my husband sobered up he decided sex with me wasn't in the picture. If I tried to seduce him as you suggest I was told that I was "putting pressure on him" and I should "let things go naturally." I guess "naturally" is being celibate. 

Thank goodness for sexual toys. At this point I have a better time in bed with myself. The man is so passionless, so cold. It's just the most amazingly frustrating and sad experience to "make love" with him. There's no love making..it's just a physical act. He just takes up space and pisses me off. No thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that this is a huge issue. This is what it looks like in a marriage that is dying. Without each of you getting your needs met, you will fall out of love. It's a huge issue because, while you do not know it, you are fighting for your marriage.

There are things that you can do to change the dynamics of your marriage. I suggest the book "*Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again* " by Michele Weiner Davis


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## Chella (Jun 14, 2012)

This is my life. My husband works like crazy comes home eats dinner sits and falls asleep difference is.. I do give him sex (if he is awake) and that is rare. We never talk anymore because he is exhausted. I appreciate that he works so hard and I actually told him I was willing to move to a place where he doesn't have to keep up our lifestyle.. it's just not in him to stop. We don't go out ever. I force the babysitter to come on sat nights so we do get out.. and that is like pulling teeth.. My life is so stressed. I am a SAHM so I do everything around the house, cook, clean, homework , school events playdates etc. But this is the life I have.. and he is not willing to change it.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ill play devils advocate -

Honestly, he sounds plain exhausted. You mentioned "the project" and that it is a temporary situation.

I say, for right now, cut him a little slack. I know what it feels like to be exhausted at the end of the day every.single.day and to not have anything left to give at the end of the day.

Have sex with him. Be patient with him. When he's zoned out on the couch quietly sit with him and cuddle up to him, hold his hand, rub his back, give him a hug. Tell him that you appreciate how hard he works. 

Plan a date on your own and invite him, something relaxing and fun.

See where that gets you.

Sometimes I think being understanding and patient, and not making any additional demands during an already stressful time is the way to go. Later, if things don't improve when the stress is gone (the project is finished), then you make demands. Now doesn't seem the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedglad (Dec 5, 2011)

Put your hands in his pants.


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## Chella (Jun 14, 2012)

KAG I think that is it for sure. He is extremely exhausted.. gets up 4:30 am drives home hour - hour and half home by 7ish. Terrible


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

fascination said:


> THIS is what I want and don't get. We never go out, he won't cuddle with me, etc.


When you did go out or cuddle, did you keep things light? I used to do this with my W and she mostly used it as an opportunity to list all of the projects I had to do around the house, worry out loud about this or that, or complain about her co-workers. I had to say "You do realize that I don't work for you, right?" Got her all pissed off, but I'm perfectly capable of managing all of my projects and know when something needs fixing before she does. She is just a person who feels that everyone will screw up if she isn't in charge. 

I guess my point is that going out could be a way of connecting for you, but stressful for him.


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