# Please help me!



## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

THIS IS MY STORY.....married for 20 years two sons 17 and 20, she was an extremely jealous person first ten years things calmed down s we hit our mid thirties. lots of arguing much of the time but all of those things clmed down about three years ago and our relationship was very good, she was happy and i was affectionate. 2 years ago i got sick (floxed) and became bedridden, mother comes to live in our house and began to destroy our marriage by scolding my wife, i was helpless bedridden, we began to distance ourselves and finally she said she was going to divorce me, she said she was divorcing my mom and not me (her excuse) but she continued to live in my house because of the teenage sons (the sons were confortable living there).

bout 8 months ago a friend of ours (male) she has known him all her life, he ws a neighbor in her teen home,

she told him she was divorced and he began to court her, what they didn't discuss was the fact that she was living with me and hiding their courtship and close friendship (he would take her out drinking and spend time together), she told me ll this last week, she said i had not paid attention to her emotional needs, i told her i was sick and that my mother also influenced opur relationship, (my mother died two weeks ago), I came to the u.s to cure my mom but she passed away and that's when i sked her what were we going to do with our relationship (since she still lives in my house, the sons do not want to leave their childhood home....she told them she want out but the sons said they won't go with her).

she told me last week that she had sex with him about 8 months ago, she justified it because she said we were divorced...the thing is she was and is still living in my house.

she says she wants to go and live with him, I myself am having a hard time because i never suspected she would have sex with another man, she always said she was going to leave but that she would not sleep with another man until they were living together...I beleived her and now i am destroyed emotionally,

I never wanted to get divorced because although we had problems i loved her unconditionally, I still do and told her she can do whatever she wants as long as she lets me love her until she leaves the door.

I admit i am weak but i want to save our reltionship.

she continues to see the man but does not have sesx with him, i beleive her because she says that she is in love with him but wants to do things right....she wants to go and live with him and leave me with the sons.

now this is where things get sticky,

my house our home....was left to me by my deceased mother, i told he if she leaves i will sell the house because i don't ahve a steady income, buy a smaller house and use the extra money to get by.

she does not want me to sell the house because she wants the sons to live in it...it is their childhood home.

bow things get worse...our younger son is very attached to her,

I told her if she leaves he will be devastated and could get sick...he is a very nervous kid and relies a lot on her for everything.

when he begins to see that she is not sleeping at home anymore he may become nervous and begin to withdraw.

i told her that and she said it ws a reson she hasn't left but is determined to go and live with the other man because he got to her when she was vulnerable but neither of them realized there were children involved.

I still love her...I never stopped or wanted to divorce her...my mother made our marriage hit the rocks.

she says she doesn't k now what to do but that she can't stop loving the other man ( i beleive she is infatuated since they haven't lived together and don't know if it will work out).

she asked me if it doesn't work out will i take her back?

I said yes...but only to please her and have her at my side for as long as possible to try and remedy things....we are not together right now, i am waitng for the ashes of my mom and will go back to the house next week.

it has been two months since we were last together and things were very cold and tht time....on the phone i explained to her that our distancing ws due to my ilness and my moms violent intervention but that we could work things out..

she said no.....she wants to live with the other man and the only thing stopping her is the teen....the other man is pressuring her to go and live with him i call her and give her many reasons not to....

i tell her he is cheating on her if he hasn't had sex with her in more that 3 months....she said it was o.k. since they are not living together....

i talked to my cousin and she said my ex wife will not listen to me because her heart is with the other man....she is not loyal to me she said....

my wife has a big heart but is at the moment confused as to what to do....

she wants to leave but can't at the moment...

i am in suspense because i love her and feel I am losing the biggest part of me....

this is basically most of the story....
i am running out of steam and losing sleep every night thinking too much about her....

please give me advice....


I love her and am having a hard time dealing with the fact that she will someday leave for good and i won't have her anymore.

when i go back to the house she said she will continue to make love to me but does not want the sons to see us being affectionate because she dosn't want them to think we re reconciliating.

she said she will not stop seeing the other man sinjce she loves him...she said she loves me but like a brother....

she has a so clled spark for the other man and that is what is driving her to him.

the kids and house are holding her back.

what can i do to have peace of mind.

i tried thinking about other women but at this point all i want is to save our relationship....and get back to where it was three years ago before i got sick.

i totally love this woman....and would forgive her for anything....i know that is my biggest problem..but that is how i am....she is in love with him and i m in love with her....

i told her if he loved you he wouldn't cheat on you...she saifd it was ok sicne they were not living tohether yet.

i have never cheated on her....we haven't made love in 8 months....and i have been faithful ll tht time....she is blind to all this fidelity.

what can i do?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Can you make it clearer whether you're actually divorced or not?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> what can I do?


For starters, *grow a pair. No woman respects or is attracted to a man who allows her to disrespect him*. Until you acquire self respect, your wife will continue to disrespect you right in front of your face.

Your wife is full of bull manure. If she wasn´t happy there were other honorable options open to her to resolve it other than choosing to have an affair. She is solely responsible for the affair.

Start implementing the principles in *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*

Read the following *Man Up real life story*, *No More Mr Nice Guy*, *Married Man's Sex Life* and *The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference*.

You deserve much better than to be married to a cruel and selfish woman like your wife.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Your wife did not divorce you because of your mother. She abandoned you when you were sick and needed her most. And now, despite the fact that she abandoned you, doesn't care about the feelings of her kids, and has been having affairs, she wants you to continue to support her financially? Stuff that.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You should probably let her go as you can't make her change her mind.Pretty bad when marriage is supposed to be in sickness and health.How bad is it from being floxed?Was it cipro? You don't need the emotional pain as well so just let her go.


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

TBT said:


> Can you make it clearer whether you're actually divorced or not?


SHE DIVORCED ME A YEAR AGO....

but we are still living together....in my house..


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

TBT said:


> You should probably let her go as you can't make her change her mind.Pretty bad when marriage is supposed to be in sickness and health.How bad is it from being floxed?Was it cipro? You don't need the emotional pain as well so just let her go.


yes it ws cipro....warning to all folks....that antibiotic is hell in a pill! if you get an adverse rection to it....


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

should i tell my two sons the truth about this?

before she decides to leave?

she is fond of the younger son.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

cut off her money, as see how things change...quit being her patsy.christ i wouldn't leave either


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

What happened to in all sickness and health I agree with msp and others stop letting her use you
Since you are divorced she needs to leave in my opinion I could see how this situation 
Wouldn't be good for your physical and mental health. Jmo Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

I have given her many reasons why living with the other mn won't make her happy,

the house you will be in is not the house you are accustomed to,

his habits you know nothing of,

you will have to do the chores you didn't do at home,

you will miss the sons because they won't live with you...they will live with me,

he is a seedy person that frequents nude clubs....she knows that by the way...

i may add her that we live in mexico....

and women there are more tolerant to this type of behviour,

she said that he began to fulfill many things that i had slacked off on,

tht i didn't socialize with her enough,

that i ws not affectionate,

and many of those reasons had to do with my floxing,

my mother also created an incredible divide,

i realize that i will have to let her go,

but the kids make this very complicated because she and i know that they will hurt in the porcess,

our two sons love both of us extremely much,

they love her and me beyond calculation,

but she is willing to rationlize with that to live with the other man,

the other man keeps pressuring her to go and live with him,

she tells me she is stuck and knows she will leave,

but doesn't know when or how,

I myself am freaking out because i m an emotional person that doesn't like to see people get hurt,

and i love her way too much....

the ideas posted by others here make sense,

but as you can see our dilema is very complicated,

i'm thinking she needs me to get strict,

yet this is where I am.


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

67flh said:


> cut off her money, as see how things change...quit being her patsy.christ i wouldn't leave either


i don't give her money i lost my job due to the floxing,

and my mom helped me with the expenses,

the other man began to give her money,

and she took it,

her excuse was that it ws a gift,

i told her he was buying her love slowly,

my situations is very complicated,

the floxing destroyed my marriage,


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

if she leaves i will sell the houses...it's worth 250,000 dollars....

money was always an issue...

she doesn't wnt me to sell the house...

but i said if you go i have no choice...

it was your castle and you are leaving it....

i will buy an apartment for me and the boys and not hve to worry about money for a while...

this also has her thinking....but t the same time her infatution for the other man (spark?) doesn't seem to wane....

i'm tninking tht evrything i tell her she relays it to the other man and he finds excuses for her...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

First thing...Stop panicking and begging...That's pathetic. 

I think she is gone. You cannot beg someone back into a relationship.

If you have a chance, that is when the OM dumps her. You don't have a chance on your own.

The slimmest chance you have of getting her back is by being prepared to leave her or by leaving her. Your old marriage is dead.. Show that you don't need her. Tell her you have more self respect than that. Throw her stuff out and sell the house, you don't need her support for that. She has your balls in her purse. Get them back first. Show her that you mean business. As long as you bear her humiliation, she will consider you a wimp and will treat you like a piece of trash. 

Read about the 180. You need it


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> First thing...Stop panicking and begging...That's pathetic.
> 
> I think she is gone. You cannot beg someone back into a relationship.
> 
> ...



you are correct in general terms,

but there nuances that i should adress,

she knows she made a mistake by sleeping with the other man but can not stop talking to him because he has made her feel that spark again that ws missing in our relationship.....and i want to try and get it back when i go back home next week...it's my last attempt....along with the boys....i want to tell them to really make her feel impossible to leave them....

the only thing holding her back from leaving our house is the kids....

since they won't go with her....she doesn't know when she will leave,

and the other man is pressuring her to leave,

honestly....i don't have it in me to kick her out....

i'm a buddhist....

i believe in karma....

i am of the path of least resistance....

even if it breaks me....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You got your Buddhism all wrong.Karma is how the world around her reacts to her. Her Karma is you kicking her out. Her karma is not being able to have her sons near her all the time. 

In all this midst, where is your self respect? She spits on your face and you wipe it off and say Karma will get to her? Have you considered counselling for yourself? Do you have someone you can speak to?(friend, brother, pastor?) You are doing it all wrong man...Your thinking is warped out of desperation. I wish someone can help you show how it works.


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

every time i think about them making love it rips my heart....

what can i do to heal myself?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You got your Buddhism all wrong.Karma is how the world around her reacts to her. Her Karma is you kicking her out. Her karma is not being able to have her sons near her all the time.
> 
> In all this midst, where is your self respect? She spits on your face and you wipe it off and say Karma will get to her? Have you considered counselling for yourself? Do you have someone you can speak to?(friend, brother, pastor?) You are doing it all wrong man...Your thinking is warped out of desperation. I wish someone can help you show how it works.


i am desperate....

i want to hang on even if it kills me....

she wants to leave and i want to have her for as long as possible before she leaves....

she is confused and loyal to the other man (sexual spark),

i know i may be wrong about wanting her so badly...

but my emotions and needyness control me....

I took her for granted too long and now can't seem to accept she will leave....

she told me she was going to take time but that she wants to live with the other man cause she alredy said yes to him...

the only thing stopping her is the kids...

should i expose her infidelity to family and friends?

will that change her?


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## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

Be a man, and put your foot down. Continue to be needy, and you may as well don some panties and a skirt.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Your kids are 17 and 20,old enough to face some of the harder aspects in life.


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

TBT said:


> Your kids are 17 and 20,old enough to face some of the harder aspects in life.



if i tell them she had sex with another man...can it hurt them in the long run?

we are still living togetehr as a family lthough she divorced me a year ago,

she dmitted she made mistke by sleeping with him but is determined to leave....

doesn't know how or when cause the kids are depenedent on her for many things...

and the departure will affect them greatly also....

if i threaten to tell the sons the truth will that change her to quit her realtionship with the other man?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Troll alert!!!!!


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> Troll alert!!!!!


that can be a very nasty thing to say to someone who is going through some very heavy emotional pain.....

my posts are not perfetc becuse i'm very disturbed by WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME...

THINGS LIKE THIS ARE NOTHING TO JOKE ABOUT


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

We've had a rash of threads that were nothing but trolls looking to have some 'fun' with us. Their stories have one thing in common, the sensational, Jerry Springer like story "My husband and Father betrayed me and are having an affair".

In any case, you've been given information on how to proceed. If you don't want to follow it, that is your choice. Good luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If you are indeed divorced, she needs to be immediately sent packing. Keep the boys with you. You all will survive. After all, they are your family now~not her!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

We told you. You won't listen. What else can we do?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

How can a women live faithfully with a man who dont have balls, she is right in leaving him and fuc*ing in front of him. I stand by her decision.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

"Whether you call it Buddhism or another religion, self-discipline, that's important ... self-discipline with awareness of consequences. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security."
Dali Lama

The consequence of her actions is that she must leave your house. You have divorced her because of infidelity and you are no longer responsible for her.
Not being with her children is the choice she made when she chose her new lover over you and her family. 

She must leave to allow you to heal.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

VULNERABLE? said:


> should i tell my two sons the truth about this?


Make her tell them. She gets everything out of you and gives nothing back. Start standing up for yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I smell troll too

Look, she is clearly still sleeping with him, just not telling you.

Your both divorced - YOU NO LONGER ARE MARRIED - you are both free to move on. Get her out yesterday, and yes tell the son's she has divorced you and gone to another man. It's the truth after all.


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## VULNERABLE? (Feb 19, 2012)

We are divorced but she still lives in my house cause of the kids,

today i read a story about a faithful man that got hiv from his wife....

he found out cause he went for his gen exam (yearly) and the docs told him,

he went to his wife and she denied any affair....then he brought out the paper and she freaked out....

you could say reading that story was my wake up call....

i have been faithfull all my life to this woman and now i am in fear she may give me something if we continue together 9due to her infidelity)....

I am going to lay down the hammer hard now....

if she wants to live with the other man she must go and now cause i'm selling the house (something she doesn't want me to do)....

i can not


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

why doubt troll

look at his recent post, he got an epiphany by reading a story...
I dont know what pleasure they get by this.


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