# I think I know the answer... i just need to hear it from someone objectively



## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Hi guys
Some of you know a little about my situation, i'll summarise here to contextualise the question.
Been together 15 years, married 13. Most of the time sex life has been good, had a few periods of what H considers droughts (sex once or twice a week). 
Over the last 3 months he has revealed that he is very unhappy about our marriage. He has had a possible PA and I suspect an EA too. He told me 6 weeks ago he was considering leaving. He has told me his feelings have changed, yes you guessed it the 'I'm not in love with you but I still love you' statement. Since then he has refused to be involved in any discussion with me regarding our marriage.

However he still wants to have sex with me - alot. Instigated from both sides, i'd say about 6 times a week. It has changed, he is much more aggressive, not loving at all during it. Outwith the sex he is emotionally detached and does not show affection.

So my question is, is he just scratching an itch? Is he doing it because he's here and he can, or is it a connection in the marriage that's still live?

I'd welcome your views.. and yes I'm ready for straightalking here. If it is the scratch an itch scenario, should I withhold from him?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your still having sex with him and you suspect or know he has cheated on you? you even initiate? 6 TIMES A FRIGGIN WEEK!!!!!!!!!

you ask if he is scratching an itch, he is loving life im guessing.

after an affair, IF the marriage is to be saved, it is my opinion that sex goes on the back burner until trust and love is built back up. you seem to think if you keep having sex with him he will pick you over the other.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I guess my question to you is, how do you feel about it? how do you feel having sex with him thinking he might be having an affair and wants to leave you? I don't think sex alone will save a marriage, so if you're getting nothing else from him, why continue with the sex? Would you have sex with any other man who wasn't willing to commit to you, who is threatening to leave you and says he doesn't love you?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

W,
Clearly you want to save your marriage and that is a good goal. Are you noticing any improvement at all as time passes in his attitude/behavior towards you in or out of bed? 

Do you think he IS having an EA/PA now? 

It might help for you to sit him down and tell him in a very blunt manner that you are going to keep meeting his needs and that it is ALSO true that if you discover him having an EA/PA you WILL end the marriage. 

He may try to hammer you with complaints about your "past neglect" and the best move there is to say "I cannot change the past, do you have any complaints about our sex life NOW?" 

But be fair to yourself here. If you are connecting six times a week and he "complains" that he needs more or gives you some other complaint that is not valid - you need to be ready to tell him that you like making him happy and are committed to the marriage and it is also true that if he is not satisfied with 6 intense sessions a week he is never going to be happy with you because that is simply the best you can do. 

How is the sex itself? Forget intimacy and love, how is it just on a raw heat scale? If you are like many women, the adrenaline caused by your fear of the marriage ending/fear of other female competition may be greatly increasing your libido. And so you have this paradox, hot sex but a bad relationship. He may actually be afraid that if he reverts to be nice/kind/loving you will revert to once a week sex which clearly is a non starter for him. 

Is there some middle ground of emotional intimacy that will work for both of you? 

FWIW this intimacy/passion balance is the key to many truly loving marriages. Just the right amount of competition, fear and uncertainty creates a LOT of heat WITHOUT giving anyone a nervous breakdown. What he is doing now though is too much. You simply won't be able to tolerate it open ended - nor should you. Do you think he would be able to have a conversation about this subject? 





Willow said:


> Hi guys
> Some of you know a little about my situation, i'll summarise here to contextualise the question.
> Been together 15 years, married 13. Most of the time sex life has been good, had a few periods of what H considers droughts (sex once or twice a week).
> Over the last 3 months he has revealed that he is very unhappy about our marriage. He has had a possible PA and I suspect an EA too. He told me 6 weeks ago he was considering leaving. He has told me his feelings have changed, yes you guessed it the 'I'm not in love with you but I still love you' statement. Since then he has refused to be involved in any discussion with me regarding our marriage.
> ...


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Thanks!

I do not have any evidence of an EA other than his behaviours and I have looked for evidence, the PA thing was a drunken one night stand with a co-worker though she did come back to him a month later and say she wanted to take him up on his offer of having an affair. That I got straight from the horses mouth. If you were to ask me to call it I'd say the PA was an office night out drunken mess, and the EA is over and he is struggling to come to terms with that.

Mem, the passion is very intense and I enjoy that and I enjoy these moments where his attention seems to be on me. I would also say that I've done alot to change me recently, I've dropped alot of weight, paid more attention to how I look and have stopped sitting round waiting for him before I / we (as in me and the kids) do things. Whether these things are a factor or not I do not know but I certainly feel alot better about myself. I have tried several times to talk to him recently but he just will not open up at all. I think that your point about continuing to meet his needs BUT if I discover a PA/EA then its 'game over' is where I've been working from although I've struggled to articulate that. I will attempt to get him at least to listen long enough to hear that, i think its an important ground rule to be laid down. 

The last 2 evenings he has actually been coming to me to talk, and noticing what I have been doing, which is very different from how its been for quite a while. So maybe he is turning a corner on it all? I am not recklessly hopeful on that, although i will not close myself off to possible progress.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think you really may have turned a corner. And I give you credit for ratcheting up the physical part of your marriage. The weight loss plus the frequency plus being independent and not waiting for "him" to do stuff - that is a tough combo for a man to resist. I hope your magic formula continues to bind him to you. 

I also hope he can find a way to be nice/kind without greatly reducing your desire. That comment is not a critique of you - it is an observation about marital passion. It is often difficult to sustain intense passion like you have right now, when you know you have a very high degree of relationship stability. 






Willow said:


> Thanks!
> 
> I do not have any evidence of an EA other than his behaviours and I have looked for evidence, the PA thing was a drunken one night stand with a co-worker though she did come back to him a month later and say she wanted to take him up on his offer of having an affair. That I got straight from the horses mouth. If you were to ask me to call it I'd say the PA was an office night out drunken mess, and the EA is over and he is struggling to come to terms with that.
> 
> ...


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

While the last few months have been marred by some horribly painful times, I actually feel it has been a period if intense personal growth for me. I am so much more together than I was a couple of months ago and I know that whatever happens I will get through it.

The passion thing is intriguing. I've learned there is definitely a competitive edge between us, and also he responds to being challenged / surprised. I'd lost sight of that. 

He's the most difficult person I've ever met. He's also the smartest, sharpest, funniest and sexiest person I ever met.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Willow,
Your post below resonates with me. What you wrote about your H, is the "short list" that I strive for in my marriage. 

As for conflict - sometimes my W provokes a wrestling match as foreplay. And she has definitely showed me the ropes regarding dominance and roughness in bed. 

In the spirit of sharing - while our sex life has been incredible - we have also had real conflict over frequency. And to be fair she has met me way more than half way on that score so the conflict was mainly me not being very tolerant of our differing sex drives  . With that said - once a week would have been a total non-starter for me. Even now at 47 once a week on average would cause some level of conflict. 

The way I explained this to her early on was: I put 100 percent into our marriage. I have only ONE need that I am totally dependent on you for. And all that testosterone I am blessed/cursed with drives a steep career arc - which means you get to have a great life without having any financial stress. And all that testosterone ALSO means that I am not happy without a lot of sex. So she made it work. FWIW for the first 15 years we were together that meant 3-6 times a week. After that we gradually slowed down to a pretty consistent 2/week which we were both happy with. There were some moments during our marriage where she resented my relentless "high needs" persona. Just as there were moments when I resented her SAHM living situation. 

It sounds like you married well - I know I did. 



Willow said:


> While the last few months have been marred by some horribly painful times, I actually feel it has been a period if intense personal growth for me. I am so much more together than I was a couple of months ago and I know that whatever happens I will get through it.
> 
> The passion thing is intriguing. I've learned there is definitely a competitive edge between us, and also he responds to being challenged / surprised. I'd lost sight of that.
> 
> He's the most difficult person I've ever met. He's also the smartest, sharpest, funniest and sexiest person I ever met.


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