# How did you break the news to your kids/family ?



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Long story short:
Been in false R for 3+years. Married 23. 3 teenage kids 18-13. They are clueless. Been in MC and IC since before Dday. Found out within the last few months that I have been getting trickle truth all along R and more and more feel that D is where I need to go. I truly gave it my best shot. It has consumed my life. I need to move on.

Now comes the next stage. Kids know nothing about his long term PA. Neither do family or friends. Have suffered through this totally alone other than TAM and IC. he is remoreful and wants to stay together, yet holding back on the full truth " so he wont hurt me more"

I deserve better. I have been faithful every day of our marriage.

How did you break it to your kids/family? We both come from large families and they will be SHOCKED based on how we appear on the outside.

Feeling alone and confused. Have done a little D research on my own but plan to see a lawyer when WH is out of town soon.

Ugh...really wish I wasnt here....


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

still so sad said:


> Long story short:
> Been in false R for 3+years. Married 23. 3 teenage kids 18-13. They are clueless. Been in MC and IC since before Dday. Found out within the last few months that I have been getting trickle truth all along R and more and more feel that D is where I need to go. I truly gave it my best shot. It has consumed my life. I need to move on.
> 
> Now comes the next stage. Kids know nothing about his long term PA. Neither do family or friends. Have suffered through this totally alone other than TAM and IC. he is remoreful and wants to stay together, yet holding back on the full truth " so he wont hurt me more"
> ...


You do deserve better than this. So did I. I know that pain and I'm really sorry for you. In my case it was OMW that blew the whole thing up when she found out. She told everyone, including my adult kids. Unfortunately my daughter (13) and I found out at about the same moment. The people I did need to tell (WS's family and mine) I told them in small groups in a quiet setting or on the phone 1 on 1. Some of them called me a liar and asked why I was making sh*t like that up? I guess when you're perceived as a "perfect" wife nobody thinks you can do that. Oh well, neither of us will ever look at the world through rose colored glasses again. For those closest to you I'd advise sitting them down in small groups or 1 on 1 and letting them know. Make it a private place where crying won't be seen by others because a lot of them will cry. Don't leave anyone out of the loop. Exposure is important. For the kids you have to put on a brave face and not say what you really want (that their father is the scum of the earth). You have to tell them it's something happening between you and him and in no way affects either of your love for them. I had to choke those words out and it damn near gagged me to death but I got through it. Good luck to you, I mean that very sincerely.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

still so sad said:


> Long story short:
> Been in false R for 3+years. Married 23. 3 teenage kids 18-13. They are clueless. Been in MC and IC since before Dday. Found out within the last few months that I have been getting trickle truth all along R and more and more feel that D is where I need to go. I truly gave it my best shot. It has consumed my life. I need to move on.
> 
> Now comes the next stage. Kids know nothing about his long term PA. Neither do family or friends. Have suffered through this totally alone other than TAM and IC. he is remoreful and wants to stay together, yet holding back on the full truth " so he wont hurt me more"
> ...


Since your kids are of age I would say just brutal honesty. Dads a cheater and I'm not putting up with this anymore. You deserve better. No matter if your kids are male or female they will learn an important lesson from this. Same goes for rest of family. If he follows typical WS line you can expect him to start blame shifting and lying about you immediately. Be ready.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Thanks for the input. I was thinking that WH should be the one to speak the words to the kids ( with me in the room). I think since it is his A that is dismantling our marriage/family, that he should have to own his sh*t. Let him look them in the face and deal with their reactions. I am afraid that if I am the one to speak, that they might see me as the bad guy who is kicking Dad out before the reality sinks it that the cause of why he has to go is because he _chose_ to betray us all.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Still so sad.
I am so sorry for your pain. I've been where you are, although my kids were a little younger.
If Dad is willing, absolutely he should be the one, but if he runs true to most cheaters, he won't. If he won't be honest with you (to spare you), it is unlikely he will be honest with the kids.
You never know he could surprise you.
But prepare your own speech.
If you can't bring yourself to be brutal to the kids you can try lines like.
"There are certain things a married person never has to tolerate, and I've reached that point."
"Once trust has been broken, you try to get it back, and sometimes it can't be found again."
"I can no longer live in this relationship."
I promise you, eventually the kids will learn what their father did. 
Do NOT lie to them to protect him. This is a situation he created and he must deal with the consequences.

If you like, post what you are thinking of saying and I promise TAM will give you its opinion.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

still so sad said:


> Thanks for the input. I was thinking that WH should be the one to speak the words to the kids ( with me in the room). I think since it is his A that is dismantling our marriage/family, that he should have to own his sh*t. Let him look them in the face and deal with their reactions. I am afraid that if I am the one to speak, that they might see me as the bad guy who is kicking Dad out before the reality sinks it that the cause of why he has to go is because he _chose_ to betray us all.


Do not let him control the situation. You tell them.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

still so sad said:


> Thanks for the input. I was thinking that WH should be the one to speak the words to the kids ( with me in the room). I think since it is his A that is dismantling our marriage/family, that he should have to own his sh*t. Let him look them in the face and deal with their reactions. I am afraid that if I am the one to speak, that they might see me as the bad guy who is kicking Dad out before the reality sinks it that the cause of why he has to go is because he _chose_ to betray us all.


Ma'am. This is totally your call but I would advise you against the sit down with the kids with him in the room. First I very much doubt he will agree to it. Cheaters don't want accountability and when the blame shifting starts.....and it will, your going to fall into an argument and that isn't beneficial to the kids. I would have your own sit down with them alone. Tell them what happened and tell them you want to serve as a good role model that this behavoir should never be tolerated and then let the whole thing go and move on. Lead yourself of this horrible persons life. The Kids will want to hear both sides....he will lie....let him. They will figure this out on their own by how you act not by what he says.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sad: It is your duty as their mother to inform them. In doing so, stick to the basics without details, more especially with the 13 y.o./the 18 y.o. may want some kind of proof, so perhaps share some of what you have with them. But with both, please let them know that it is not going to effect their well being; that they will be provided for by the both of you! 

But I wouldn't do any disclosure to them or to anybody else until such time that your attorney actually/physically files the papers with the court for the D.

BTW, Have you shared or will you be sharing this with the rest of your extended family, i.e. parents, siblings, cousins, et. al.? Was just wondering!*


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

still so sad said:


> Thanks for the input. I was thinking that WH should be the one to speak the words to the kids ( with me in the room). I think since it is his A that is dismantling our marriage/family, that he should have to own his sh*t. Let him look them in the face and deal with their reactions. I am afraid that if I am the one to speak, that they might see me as the bad guy who is kicking Dad out before the reality sinks it that the cause of why he has to go is because he _chose_ to betray us all.


This is how we did it. I sat in so she could present the truth and not twist and turn it and make it all about me and the issues she perceived in the marriage that caused her to cheat (I say perceived as some existed and some were the results of her history rewrites, and the kids deserved and needed the truth, with me there I could set the record straight).

I felt the same as you, that she was the one that broke up the family and needed to own her actions. For us it went smoothly (as much as such a situation went) and it allowed the two of us to show them that it wasn't their fault or anything they had done, but was solely resting on the adults shoulders.

Good luck with this. Since you are in counseling, ask your counselor for advice on the situation (as that is what we did as they knew the situation and were involved).


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

I am really leaning toward him having to tell them but with me being in the room to 1, make sure he tells the truth and 2, to comfort them when the tidal wave hits. My youngest with be totally crushed as she is very sensitive, and loves us both very very much. I see him telling them as his consequence for betraying them. Why should I have to take the heat/pain for his decision to cheat? I have been protecting his reputation for over 3 years now.

I think it is a good idea to hold off on saying anything to anyone until the legal process begins. Thanks for that idea.

As for the rest of the family and friends, again I think HE should tell his family and close friends and I will tell mine. With them, we dont have to tell them together. We do not all live in the same area so most will have to be by phone or email. I am on very good terms with his family so I would expect some urgent phone calls from them once the news breaks. If I find lies in his story I will set them straight as needed.

I doubt that he will fight me very hard during the D since he has admitted to the A ( details verifiable by the therapist). Since the kids are older, I predict I will get custody without much issue either. Besides, should he decide to go back to the AP I am certain that my kids will want no involvement with her especially after they see her lifestyle, smokes, drinks, dumpy apartment, dead end job, etc etc. We do not live lavishly, but we are comfortable. She makes me look like Miss America.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Honey, you ARE Miss America.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

still so sad said:


> I am really leaning toward him having to tell them but with me being in the room to 1, make sure he tells the truth and 2, to comfort them when the tidal wave hits. My youngest with be totally crushed as she is very sensitive, and loves us both very very much. I see him telling them as his consequence for betraying them. Why should I have to take the heat/pain for his decision to cheat? I have been protecting his reputation for over 3 years now.
> 
> I think it is a good idea to hold off on saying anything to anyone until the legal process begins. Thanks for that idea.
> 
> ...



This a very wise plan. The only thing that I have issues with, and this is completely my perspective, is waiting until the legal has started. Once the legal has started you will more than likely get advice to not tell the kids and in no way talk negatively about the other parent to the children. This is very good advice, but depending on the state and lawyers involved, they may take anything that is said after this advice is given and use it against the other. Prior to the advice, you are acting on your best interest and doing what you think is best for all within the family, after the advice is given, then anything you do is only working towards the best interest of the divorce. He may be advised to say and admit nothing, and then it would be on you to do all the revealing, and he may use it against you as denigrating him to the children. If the two of you can agree to sit down and get it out now, it may be best to do so before the lawyers get involved. Once they do the lines of communication dry up quickly and information doesn't freely flow.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

If you are going to do it together make sure you know what he is going to say. You don't want to get into a fight in front of the kids and you don't want to have to go along with whatever he says just to avoid a fight.

Don't wait; tell them asap. They are already going to be upset that you hid this for three years. At worst they will feel betrayed, at best they will feel like fools.

Don't be so sure that they are clueless. They may not know about the affair but they probably know something is wrong.

Tell the truth. You will pay a huge price down the road if they find out you lied or omitted things. Think about how you felt about your husband's lies.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Honey, you ARE Miss America.


Thanks Pluto! That made me smile!

I will never ever understand how he could think that blowing up a whole marriage and family was a good idea just to get some skanky, easy b**ch to "fill his needs" 
( I'm in a lousy mood today, can you tell..??) Thank God for TAM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

still so sad said:


> Thanks for the input. I was thinking that WH should be the one to speak the words to the kids ( with me in the room). I think since it is his A that is dismantling our marriage/family, that he should have to own his sh*t. Let him look them in the face and deal with their reactions. I am afraid that if I am the one to speak, that they might see me as the bad guy who is kicking Dad out before the reality sinks it that the cause of why he has to go is because he _chose_ to betray us all.


Yay! And then dad gets to trickle truth the kids, too!

Ummm... *No!* Don 't let him get away with: "Well, kids. your mother and I, well, we sorta drifted apart. But I still love you all and etc., etc., etc."

You tell 'em. That way they'll get the truth.:smthumbup:


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Break to the news to the kid/family?

My grown daughter, son, and my older brother knew before me. My daughter "figured" it out from FB (I never looked at it) and "crashed" Mom's email. The years of cheating were all in her emails. My daughter called home and confronted Mom. Years of my suspicions, her lies and denials were righted within 1 minute... Aug 5, 2009.


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