# Am I wrong?



## lily2014 (Jul 21, 2014)

Hello everyone I am new to this site. I need some advice. A little background first. My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for 1 year. He is a farmer and I work in an office. He does odd jobs on the side in the off season, so he is usually busy doing something all the time. The last couple weeks he has been working on a job about an hour away from our house, driving back and forth. He usually gets home around 8:30pm from this job. So it all started this morning. He is working in a town where a bike rally is coming through(a week long bike ride), he used to ride in this and has some friends that still do it. It is mostly a week long drunk fest with loud parties, concerts and games. So he told me a couple days ago that he might be working really late this week one day. I was not aware until this morning that the bike rally was coming through the town that he is working in, I found out thru a friend at work this morning. They will be coming through tomorrow night. So I wanted to test him and find out if he really was working late or if it was because of the bike rally, that he was really going to party with his friends, not be working. I asked him what night this week he would be working late and he said tomorrow night. He was not aware that I knew about the bike rally. I asked him how late and he said he probably will be working until 11:00pm which means he wont get home until 12:30pm or so. This is VERY odd for him to be working this late! So I instantly thought he was lying to me so he could go and party with his friends. I told him I wasn't stupid and that I couldn't believe he would lie to me so he could party with the crowd at the bike rally. He instantly told me I was ridiculous and turned it around on me. He told me he forgot the bike rally was coming thru the town. But that would be impossible to forget because they set up for this almost a week in advance. I told him I hope I'm wrong but we will find out. He then said maybe he will prove me right and go just because I accused him of going. He's super mad at me now and has completely turned this around on me and says he's going and not listening to this my bullcrap. 
What I want to know is am I wrong for confronting him? He never works that late and it just so happens to be on the night of the bike rally. I told him I was hurt that he would do this to me and that he is acting this way and I told him if he goes and treats me like this that I am leaving and he told me to go ahead. 
What do I do?


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

How about stop acting like his mother so that he can let you know that he wants to go to a bike rally and not have to hide it from you cause you'll micromanage his life.

Honestly, if its something that he enjoys...and presumably that's what he's planning to do...why not let him do it? Clearly its something he did before he was with you.

You, in turn, can negotiate something that you'd like to do.

I don't understand women that stifle their partner's entire lives and turn it into a chore and then wonder why their partner hides stuff from them.

The guy sounds like a hard worker...let him relax once in a while in his own way without nagging him half to death. Maybe he'll want to come home to you more if you're not such a ball buster.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's unclear if you are upset about him lying, about him going out and partying or both.

Have you objected to him doing things with his friends in the past?

Why do you think he felt a need to lie?

If you object to him partying one night with friend, why?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't threaten to leave unless you mean it, because now if you don't you have no credibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It's unclear if you are upset about him lying, about him going out and partying or both.
> 
> Have you objected to him doing things with his friends in the past?
> 
> ...


^^This.


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## lily2014 (Jul 21, 2014)

I'm upset about him lying. Making up a story about him working instead of saying something about the bike rally. He has drinks and does things with his friends, that's not the issue. I think he kept it from me because he has told me many stories about what happens at the parties at this bike rally, many things that I would never agree to being a part of and he probably figured I would be against it if he asked because of these stories he has told me. But, he would also be against me going to parties like this by myself also. I know I shouldn't have said I was leaving him if he went, but I was upset at him for lying and how do I sit at home an hour away wondering about what he's doing at this party? I will constantly be thinking about him doing shots off naked women and participating in things he wouldn't normally do when I am around. It will drive me crazy!

And now he is super ticked off at me and I don't know what to do. Do I just not say anything and let things settle down? Or do I try and talk to him? When he is mad sometimes the only way to get him to calm down is to stay out of his way


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Then the real issue is you don't trust your husband.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

lily2014 said:


> I know I shouldn't have said I was leaving him if he went, but I was upset at him for lying and how do I sit at home an hour away wondering about what he's doing at this party? I will constantly be thinking about him doing shots off naked women and participating in things he wouldn't normally do when I am around. It will drive me crazy!



Then go with him and you both have a good time!

Why not approach him and tell him that you want to go too, so why not go together?

Look, it was wrong for him to lie about the event. But I'm assuming you wouldn't let him go otherwise. So he needs to work on his honesty, and you need to work on treating him like an adult.


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## lily2014 (Jul 21, 2014)

We both have trust issues, but not because either of us has cheated on eachother, it stems from past relationships. I hate being lied to and I have always said that lying is just as bad as cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Then the real issue is you don't trust your husband.


Would you be ok with your wife going out partying with a bunch of friends and she doing these sorts of things with other men?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What would it matter what I think in my marriage? OP came here asking a question if she was wrong. She is allowed to feel any way she wants.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Then the real issue is you don't trust your husband.


Here you make the point that the op does not trust her husband to go to a party that that is full of alcohol and some wild behavior. 


richie33 said:


> What would it matter what I think in my marriage? OP came here asking a question if she was wrong. She is allowed to feel any way she wants.


My point in asking you if you would be ok with your wife doing this thing is that most people be very upset with their spouse going to this kind of event.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lily2014 said:


> We both have trust issues, but not because either of us has cheated on eachother, it stems from past relationships. I hate being lied to and I have always said that lying is just as bad as cheating.


So if he had told you that he wanted to go to this event with his friends, you would have been just fine with him going?


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## lily2014 (Jul 21, 2014)

Not to this event, No. Mainly because of the past stories he has told me about what goes on at these parties. I have asked him if he would feel the same way I do if I told him I was going and he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. He is now mad at me for assuming that he was going and calling him a liar. I told him I just didn't think it was a coincidence that it was on the same night and he is still claiming that it is, but now that I have assumed he is going, he says he might as well go. I hate it when guys do that!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this the first time he's lied to you?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I wouldn't be upset if my wife went to a bike rally. She wouldn't be in control what other people are participating in. Did the husband say he was taking shots of half naked women or did he say he seen it happening? I have been to bike rallies. I go to see the bikes. I am a faithful husband. What other adults are doing is their business.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think you're wrong. I think he planned this secretly and then lied to you. And now you are in a position of having to decide to do something that will seem drastic or petulant or else you will be seen to be tacitly condoning it.

I think he has used 'the best defense is a good offense' gambit. He became 'offended' that you 'thought so little of him' & is now 'standing on principle' by going to the party. Right.

But here's the question: How can he go to this party if he had to work late? Won't he be blowing off his work?

Ah, well. If it were me, I wouldn't give this a pass. I would be direct and tell him exactly what I think he has done. I wouldn't let him believe that he has snowed me. I would say, 'fine, you go ahead, but don't for a minute think that you have put me on the defensive. You are the one who has lied. You do damage to our marriage when you do this. I'm thinking carefully about what I want to do now. I trusted you and now I need to understand what you have done to that trust.' And then I would take some time before I decided on something radical such as leaving.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> I wouldn't be upset if my wife went to a bike rally. She wouldn't be in control what other people are participating in. Did the husband say he was taking shots of half naked women or did he say he seen it happening? I have been to bike rallies. I go to see the bikes. I am a faithful husband. What other adults are doing is their business.


Ok.. that's reasonable.

Most of the men here have posted many times that they would absolutely not be ok with their wives going to things like girl's night out. From the sounds of what this guy told his wife, the rally is wilder than most girls nights out.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

lily2014 said:


> Not to this event, No. Mainly because of the past stories he has told me about what goes on at these parties. I have asked him if he would feel the same way I do if I told him I was going and he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. He is now mad at me for assuming that he was going and calling him a liar. I told him I just didn't think it was a coincidence that it was on the same night and he is still claiming that it is, but now that I have assumed he is going, he says he might as well go. I hate it when guys do that!


Don't be a woman of so little substance. You made your husband afraid to be honest with you by trying to keep him on leash. That's just childish. If you have security issues, then get help. Your husband is not your psychotherapist and shouldn't get all your emotional garbage dumped on his head. All he wants to do is love you and be loved. What you require is above his pay grade.

Then, you threaten to leave with no more intention of leaving him than killing him. You think you can control him and just thought you would up your ploy tactics. But it didn't work, did it?

And now, you have no idea what to do. He unchained your leash and whipped your arse with it. Then he turned the tables completely around on you, on top of blaming you for the fun he will have tomorrow. As lame and childish as this was for him to do, you deserved it because you asked for it.

What you do now?
You apologize. Tell him you're sorry for making impossible for him to be honest with you because it was not your intention. You need him to feel safe. Tell him you won't complain and try to prevent every move he makes just because you are insecure. Tell him if he wants to destroy your marriage, he is free to make that decision because you will not tolerate him lying or cheating, but you realize it was foolish of you to think you could stop him.

He won't believe you because you've already cried wolf and didn't backed it up with zero, but at least you will have done the right thing. Next time you try to control him by threatening to leave, make sure you are prepared to walk your arse out the door.

Tell him you would like to join him at the party. If he's too angry and says not, then wish him a good time.

Grow up if you want a mature relationship with your husband.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> I think he kept it from me because he has told me many stories about what happens at the parties at this bike rally, many things that I would never agree to being a part of and he probably figured I would be against it if he asked because of these stories he has told me. But, he would also be against me going to parties like this by myself also. I know I shouldn't have said I was leaving him if he went, but I was upset at him for lying and how do I sit at home an hour away wondering about what he's doing at this party? I will constantly be thinking about him doing shots off naked women and participating in things he wouldn't normally do when I am around. It will drive me crazy!


First of all, you need to figure out whether or not he was even planning to go to this rally.

If he is planning it and is willing to go to this level of deception there's either two reasons for it. One, he's just a liar...which is a problem for numerous reasons. Or two, you're a pain in the butt to deal with and he can't live his life without you driving him nuts so he's lying to get you off his back.

If its one, you need to plan and commit to what action you're going to take.

But if its two (and I suspect it is), you need to stop letting your idiotic insecurities ruin your marriage. Before this guy met you, he enjoyed going to this rally. So what, some people engage in wild behavior. It doesn't mean that he's going to. He's a married man and maybe he simply enjoys the bike culture and wants to chill out and have some beers. If you can't trust your husband not to do shots off naked women, you have bigger issues than this rally. Honestly, you cannot control anyone's behavior. In fact, I GUARANTEE YOU that the more you try, the more he's going to get fed up and do his best to get away from you.

By the way, threatening your husband with leaving him is pretty lame if you're not actually going to do it. What are you trying to accomplish except driving the guy away.

I can tell you this. I am not the type of individual that does well with anyone trying to control my life. I'm a grown up and perfectly capable of deciding what I feel like doing when I'm off the clock from work. I also am perfectly capable of deciding what behavior is appropriate or not. If I had a woman like you telling me what to do and policing my behavior, you wouldn't have to threaten to leave. I'd show you right where the door is.

Relationships are about negotiation not manipulation. You keep it up and he's going to walk out the door.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why all the threads here on TAM by men who object to married women going out on girls' nights out? Why the objection to the wives going to Las Vegas on the weekend? 

Where you these voices about married the men who objected to this being wrong in their desire to control their wives? 

I'm curious as to why the diff attitudes here.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Bike rally's are NOT drunken orgy feasts, that's why.

Bikers have their own sense of honor. One of comraderie and unity. Not rape, pillage and plunder.

Most rallies are fund raisers to help the needy. Do "some" get out of control? Yes.... Just as with any function, there are sh!t disturbers. The accusation of the husband to be a partaker of such events is highly inflammatory. And she knows it.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> So why all the threads here on TAM by men who object to married women going out on girls' nights out? Why the objection to the wives going to Las Vegas on the weekend?


I can't speak for whomever said that so I'm not sure. It certainly wasn't me.

I think it would be equally ridiculous for any man to tell a woman that she can't go on a girl's weekend out. The whole idea of a man telling me what I can and can't do as a grown adult makes me cringe.

I would never do that to my partner either. I'd trust him in a roomful of naked women. If I didn't, I wouldn't be with him. I have no time for a man that I can't trust. I also have no time for a man who tries to control me. I'd rather be single than deal with that.

The idea that you can control someone's behavior is an illusion. Ultimately people will only be with you in the long run if you're truly the person they choose. You can only manipulate someone for so long before it backfires.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> I would never do that to my partner either. I'd trust him in a roomful of naked women. If I didn't, I wouldn't be with him. I have no time for a man that I can't trust. I also have no time for a man who tries to control me. I'd rather be single than deal with that.


:iagree:

I think a lot of people get caught up in trying to control their partners.

OP, how about apologizing, like Nikita said?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> Bike rally's are NOT drunken orgy feasts, that's why.


From what Lilly's husband has told her, these bike rallies get pretty wild. They just might be drunken orgy fests.

I'm been on a lot of girl's night out in my life. Not one of them has been a drunken orgy feast.



Revamped said:


> Bikers have their own sense of honor. One of comraderie and unity. Not rape, pillage and plunder.


I've been a round a lot of bikers.. and the real hell's angels and their types as well. 

But this still does not explain why a biker event is ok but a girls' night out is not.



Revamped said:


> Most rallies are fund raisers to help the needy. Do "some" get out of control? Yes.... Just as with any function, there are sh!t disturbers. The accusation of the husband to be a partaker of such events is highly inflammatory. And she knows it.


He's told her what he and his friends have done at them in the past. That's her concern.

I'm still wondering why this is ok but a girls' night out is not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nikita2270 said:


> I can't speak for whomever said that so I'm not sure. It certainly wasn't me.
> 
> I think it would be equally ridiculous for any man to tell a woman that she can't go on a girl's weekend out. The whole idea of a man telling me what I can and can't do as a grown adult makes me cringe.
> 
> ...


Most of the men who post on TAM have been extremely clear that they would not be ok for their wives to go on a girls' night out. They are even less ok with a wife going with friends to Las Vegas.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I think a lot of people get caught up in trying to control their partners.
> 
> OP, how about apologizing, like Nikita said?


She says that he goes out with his friends all the time. So it hardly sounds like she's a control freak.

It's this one event that she has a problem with. And him lying out it make it worse.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> From what Lilly's husband has told her, these bike rallies get pretty wild. They just might be drunken orgy fests.
> 
> I'm been on a lot of girl's night out in my life. Not one of them has been a drunken orgy feast.
> 
> ...


I really don't know. Being a middle aged female accountant that's attended 17 Sturgis Biker Rallies, I personally have never seen nor experienced the harshness that the OP is imagining. I'm not naive, it's out there. 

Also, I've attended the Daytona Bike Week and the Ohio Bike Week and overall, unless you have a fear of leather, pretty tame...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> I really don't know. Being a middle aged female accountant that's attended 17 Sturgis Biker Rallies, I personally have never seen nor experienced the harshness that the OP is imagining. I'm not naive, it's out there.
> 
> Also, I've attended the Daytona Bike Week and the Ohio Bike Week and overall, unless you have a fear of leather, pretty tame...


She is going by what her husband told her. He apparently painted a pretty wild picture of what goes no in the rallies he and his friends attended and what HE did at them.

So if he over sold how wild they are, it's his doing. Or maybe he told the truth and that's what he has sought out at them before.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Revamped said:


> Bike rally's are NOT drunken orgy feasts, that's why.
> 
> Bikers have their own sense of honor. One of comraderie and unity. Not rape, pillage and plunder.
> 
> Most rallies are fund raisers to help the needy. Do "some" get out of control? Yes.... Just as with any function, there are sh!t disturbers. The accusation of the husband to be a partaker of such events is highly inflammatory. And she knows it.


You must have missed where she said he told her what goes on at these biker parties.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She says that he goes out with his friends all the time. So it hardly sounds like she's a control freak.
> 
> It's this one event that she has a problem with. And him lying out it make it worse.


The lying is the issue, I think. Even if he was scared of her reaction, lying never builds trust.

I don't think she was exactly honest and direct with him, either.

He doesn't sound like a leader. So at this point, I think her best bet is apologizing and sharing her feelings with him.

Ele, she can't control him. He really is free to do what he wants to, just like she is. She can leave him if she wants, but I would recommend trying to rebuild trust first. And I think apologizing and having a heart to heart could help.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Ok, I'm wrong. OP has every right to divorce her husband because he 's a lying, cheating idiot.

The End.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> Ok, I'm wrong. OP has every right to divorce her husband because he 's a lying, cheating idiot.
> 
> The End.


Ok, that was easy...:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> The lying is the issue, I think. Even if he was scared of her reaction, lying never builds trust.
> 
> I don't think she was exactly honest and direct with him, either.
> 
> ...


I agree that the lying is the issue. It needs to be sorted out.

Either he was afraid of her reaction because she is always riding him about things, he has something to hide. Either way lied and its' not acceptable. 

Or he really did not know that some big bike rally was planned for the town where he is working. And he really did need to work until 11pm. (He's never had that need before but just this one time.) But now, magically, the need to work until 11pm no longer exists. So now he, only to spite his wife, he’ll go party at the bike rally. He was of course innocent of lying. She drove him to it. And now she should apologize. Poor guy… 


:scratchhead:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that the lying is the issue. It needs to be sorted out.
> 
> Either he was afraid of her reaction because she is always riding him about things, he has something to hide. Either way lied and its' not acceptable.
> 
> ...


She wasn't honest and upfront, was she? Is that not grounds for apologizing?

The idea is to get the conversation going. Often people will listen better if their feelings are acknowledged first. If she does not think an apology is in order, she could skip that part.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> She wasn't honest and upfront, was she? Is that not grounds for apologizing?


Are you referring to the way she questioned him?

"Hon, I'm sorry that I did not just come right out and tell you that it was clear that you planned all long to go to the bike rally and were lying to me about working until 11pm."

Is that what you are suggesting? That would be an honest apology. Do you think that would help?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

OMG people, what do you think goes on there? A version of the Texas Chainsaw Massachre? 

It's beer, and cotton candy, and leather purses and yes loud talking such as, my bike has handlebar fringe...

Yea, such hardcore subjects...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lily2014 said:


> *So I wanted to test him *and find out if he really was working late or if it was because of the bike rally, that he was really going to party with his friends, not be working. I asked him what night this week he would be working late and he said tomorrow night. He was not aware that I knew about the bike rally. I asked him how late and he said he probably will be working until 11:00pm which means he wont get home until 12:30pm or so. This is VERY odd for him to be working this late! So I instantly thought he was lying to me so he could go and party with his friends. I told him I wasn't stupid and that I couldn't believe he would lie to me so he could party with the crowd at the bike rally. He instantly told me I was ridiculous and turned it around on me. He told me he forgot the bike rally was coming thru the town. But that would be impossible to forget because they set up for this almost a week in advance. *I told him I hope I'm wrong but we will find out.* He then said maybe he will prove me right and go just because I accused him of going. He's super mad at me now and has completely turned this around on me and says he's going and not listening to this my bullcrap.


Do you not think this is controlling? Would you like to be treated this way? I would not.

I think there is less than transparency going on on both sides. And consequently, very little trust.

I don't think controlling behavior leads to happiness. And I think it looks pretty stressful.

"Honey, I am sorry I was testing you instead of just coming out and telling you I heard there would be a bike rally, and was wondering if you were planning to go. I would not want to be treated that way. I don't want you to go, but I would rather hear the truth, no matter what. I can take it."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> OMG people, what do you think goes on there? A version of the Texas Chainsaw Massachre?
> 
> It's beer, and cotton candy, and leather purses and yes loud talking such as, my bike has handlebar fringe...
> 
> Yea, such hardcore subjects...


Lily is going by what her husband told her goes on.



lily2014 said:


> I'm upset about him lying. Making up a story about him working instead of saying something about the bike rally. He has drinks and does things with his friends, that's not the issue. I think he kept it from me because_* he has told me many stories about what happens at the parties at this bike rally, many things that I would never agree to being a part of and he probably figured I would be against it if he asked because of these stories he has told me.*_


It's about what he told her goes on.



lily2014 said:


> But, he would also be against me going to parties like this by myself also.


If it's so innocent, why would he object to her going to a similar party?



lily2014 said:


> I will constantly be thinking about him doing shots off naked women and participating in things he wouldn't normally do when I am around. It will drive me crazy!


Apparently he told her that this is the kind of thing that goes on. Do you really think that he lied to her about this?


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Yeah, EleGirl. I don't get how many times people have to be told that he TOLD her what goes one. I guess they attend one or two biker rallies and presume to know what they're all like. It doesn't even matter what they are like. She said he told her. I reminded them that he told her. And you reminded them a hundred times. Great jeepers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CarlaRose said:


> Yeah, EleGirl. I don't get how many times people have to be told that he TOLD her what goes one. I guess they attend one or two biker rallies and presume to know what they're all like. It doesn't even matter what they are like. She said he told her. I reminded them that he told her. And you reminded them a hundred times. Great jeepers.


Yep he told her. From what he told her, there is good reason for her to be concerned.


I find it interesting that she's being told that there is nothing wrong with him going to a rally that is like she he tells her it's like. And further that she has no right to expect her husband not to go.

Contrast the answers to Lily with this thread....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/208721-girls-night-out.html


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She can tell him whatever she wants. But it doesn't mean that he's going to do it.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I guess what's bothering me, is y'all are oh so quick to jump on the bandwagon and think she's right and the husband is a lying sack. 

He just happens to work late on one particular evening and she thinks he's off at a biker rally doing shots off some chick's belly.

Way to instill Trust and Honesty, people.

I think she's going overboard with throwing unwarranted accusations around and this forum is very quick to side to what they perceive as a woman being wronged.

Yes, he's told her what goes on at bike rallies. Instead of assuring 
OP to use common sense and just slow down in her attacks on her husband about working ONE night late, he's automatically labeled a liar.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Then go with him and you both have a good time!
> 
> Why not approach him and tell him that you want to go too, so why not go together?
> 
> Look, it was wrong for him to lie about the event. But I'm assuming you wouldn't let him go otherwise. So he needs to work on his honesty, and you need to work on treating him like an adult.


I agree, if this is something he really enjoys, the two of you should go together. My suggestion would be to get a place to stay in town so you don't have to worry about the hour drive home...particularly when there is drinking involved.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So why all the threads here on TAM by men who object to married women going out on girls' nights out? Why the objection to the wives going to Las Vegas on the weekend?
> 
> Where you these voices about married the men who objected to this being wrong in their desire to control their wives?
> 
> I'm curious as to why the diff attitudes here.


Maybe you should take a poll; it might not be as many as you think. I certainly have no problem with my wife going on a girl's night out in Vegas, nor would she have a problem with me going to a bike rally.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lily2014 said:


> I'm upset about him lying. I think he kept it from me because he has told me many stories about what happens at the parties at this bike rally, many things that I would never agree to being a part of and he probably figured I would be against it if he asked


First, he's your husband, not your child. He shouldn't have to 'ask' you for permission. Discuss, yes, ask, no. That's a bad dynamic you're setting up in this marriage because all you're doing is teaching him it's better to lie than to tell the truth, to get what he wants.

I'm guessing you're about 23-28? I remember my DD23 coming to me about an issue with her boyfriend a couple years ago, saying she was telling him he had to get her permission to do such and such. I asked her, do you really want to create a relationship where he has to do this? Because he'll expect the same of you. How will YOU feel about not being treated like an adult? 

Strong marriages are built on common respect, to know that they love you and want you and won't purposely hurt you. That said, men like to have fun. One of most men's top 5 Emotional Needs is Recreation. And that doesn't mean just recreation with YOU; they need fun stuff with their male friends, to stay happy and fulfilled. If you try to control that, you can bet he'll just start lying to get it. Oh, wait, you're _already _getting that.

Second, the way you approached this, while meaning well, was wrong. How would YOU feel if he approached YOU all mad about something and you instantly felt you had to scramble to defend yourself? Wouldn't feel good, would it?

Give him the same level of respect you feel you deserve. And he'll then give it back to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I agree, if this is something he really enjoys, the two of you should go together. My suggestion would be to get a place to stay in town so you don't have to worry about the hour drive home...particularly when there is drinking involved.


Most definitely! Show him that YOU can be fun, too, not the suspicious, controlling female he has to hide stuff from.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Maybe you should take a poll; it might not be as many as you think. I certainly have no problem with my wife going on a girl's night out in Vegas, nor would she have a problem with me going to a bike rally.


I started a thread on the topic...


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/208721-girls-night-out.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Most definitely! Show him that YOU can be fun, too, not the suspicious, controlling female he has to hide stuff from.


He did not give her the option to join him. Instead he seems to have made up some story about working late so that he could go without her.

Keep in mind that she says he goes out with his friends all the time and she's fine with it. So it does not sound like she's controlling. She rightly upset that he lied to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She didn't say he goes out 'all the time,' I believe.

I'm not giving him a free pass. I'm just saying that, psychologically, and given their apparent age, he's doing what most men his age do - learn to get what he wants in whatever manner. If she makes it unsafe to tell the truth...well, he won't tell the truth.

Unless he has a long history of lying - and she hasn't answered that - I'll stick by my impression. I KNOW a guy just like him, in fact. Great guy, but he learned early on that, to get along with his wife, he tells her what she wants to hear and goes around her on other things.

The main issue here is safety. Safety to BE honest. Safety to negotiate to get what they want. Not to get threatened with divorce.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_I started a thread on the topic...


Girls' Night Out _

I am a guy and think its healty for my wife to have time out with her friends. I think if you are secure in your relatiosnhip there is no problem with her spending time with her friends. I think couples should have time to themselves etc...I didnt post in your thread because i have commented on this subject numerous times and its just the same people cramming their own view point without allowing another option to be heard. 

So I agree with Theasus that there are a ton of men that are ok with this and women allowing the same. I dont think its a gender thing at all.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

either you trust him or you don't.

If you can't trust him enough to go out to the biker rally then you don't have much of a marriage.

as for him lying....it dose seem as though he was . But you don't know for sure. Not very wise to accuse someone you love about lying when you don't know for sure.


as for his stories about what goes on at these things. I think thats what they were just stories.

Go home and tell him that you were worried about all the stories he told about theses events and thats why you acted the way you did. tell him you trust him and to have a good time. then say I'm kinda glad you have something to do I think I'm going to go out that eve also maybe we can have a rondavious when we get home!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> She didn't say he goes out 'all the time,' I believe.


She did say that he goes out with his friends. I assume that she did not mean that he's done it only one since she's been with him. The statement sounds like it means that it's a normal occurrence.




lily2014 said:


> He has drinks and does things with his friends, that's not the issue.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

The OP asked if she was wrong. In my opinion, yes, she was. 

This is saying nothing about whether or not her husband was also wrong. I'm not giving him a pass, just addressing the question asked. Maybe yes he was, maybe no, but the OP can control only herself. She can't control her spouse. If she's doing something wrong (which, I believe she is), then addressing that first is the best thing for her to focus on.

I feel this boils down to respect, which is like air and water to a marriage. A great definition of respect I heard once was, "Making assumptions that reinforce the good." If a driver cuts you off in traffic, respect is telling yourself, "I'm sure he was trying to drive carefully, but just didn't see me." Disrespect is saying, "That jerk! He's a selfish moron who could have gotten me hurt!" 

No, we definitely do not always remember to make those positive assumptions when we interact with people, but it's so, so important in a marriage. You think your husband has lied to you about wanting to attend a bike rally. You can approach him with the assumption that he's a lying, cheating scumbag...which is kind of what you did. Or you can approach with the assumption that going to a party with his friends is a reasonable thing for a decent guy to want to do (yes, even if it might turn into a drunken orgy...wanting to be there is not the same thing as wanting to get down and dirty with it), and you know your spouse didn't want to hurt you by lying. Maybe things haven't been great between you, and that's why he felt compelled to lie about it. You wished he hadn't lied, but you trust him to have a good time safely, and you promise to be understanding of his desires so he doesn't need to hide them from you in the future. I am 100% positive the conversation would have gone differently if she had said all of THAT to him.

The bottom line is, if your spouse is the kind of guy who WANTS to cheat, or drink shots off naked ladies, then that's the kind of guy he is. Period. It's who he is, or it isn't. Either way, trying to control or manipulate him won't change a darn thing. He'll still be that guy (or not). You can't have a happy marriage by finding a terrible guy and then controlling the hell out of him so he can't get into any trouble. But treating him with respect, by making assumptions that he's good and decent when you talk to him, WILL be a great motivator for him to want to live up to your high expectations. He will want to be worthy of the respect you've shown him.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would say it is 99% sure he is going to the bike rally.
But, you fell into a trap by confronting him without knowing for sure and you confronted him before the fact. The other issue is why would he feel compelled to lie? Are you a controlling nag? Do you treat him like a child? Or is he just a liar? You learn more about your man and your marriage by allowing people freedom then you do by trying to prevent them from doing things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> She did say that he goes out with his friends. I assume that she did not mean that he's done it only one since she's been with him. The statement sounds like it means that it's a normal occurrence.


Still doesn't mean 'all the time.' Big difference.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Most definitely! Show him that YOU can be fun, too, not the* suspicious, controlling *female he has to hide stuff from.


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lily2014,

I'm just checking in for an update.


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