# How to catch cheating wife



## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

The title of this thread is what was found on my husband's tablet as my son was doing a search on it for a school project. I am not a snooper Our marriage has always been rocky, but hit a boulder a few months ago. We both contemplated a divorce. Once we sat down and had some serious conversation, we agreed that we both have issues to work on and during different talks, we both came clean about some things. He kept prying me about how I always seemed to be aloof or somewhere else in my mind. He assumed I must be cheating. I confessed to him that I had thoughts about somebody else, but never approached the person and I never cheated. I do not have access to this person and he has no clue that I had the "hots" for him I guess you could call it. I totally regretted saying this as it spilled out of my mouth. I knew as harmless as I thought it was, it would be life changing for him. Now he's left feeling paranoid and inadequate and constantly assuming if I'm behaving differently such as being quiet on a certain day or not at my desk at work when he stops in that I must be cheating. I am not! Seeing these words made me feel like somebody punched me in the gut. I thought we were doing so well in the past month. I was giving him what he wanted, which was more sex and he cut way back on his drinking. The sex thing is also making him suspicious. He had accused me in the past of being a dead cold fish so I thought I'll let my real self show and he loves it, except that it leaves him wondering where I learned these things and that I must be doing them with this "other guy". No, I just read and view alot. He also snooped in our nightstand and accused me of using my toys instead of being with him. No, I moved them because I was looking for something. It's making me crazy. I truly am doing my best and was starting to love him again and want it to work, but I cannot fix his paranoia about me (not) cheating. This is a total turn off for me and I told him so when the toy subject came up. I feel like I'm guilty until proven innocent. He does not know I found this and I'm not sure I want to say anything. He bought this tablet at the end of March so I'm not exactly sure when he did this search. Should I just leave it be for now and wait for him to confront me again? He also has a problem with keeping his feelings straight. I don't know what that is but he does it at work too. One day he likes somebody and the next he doesn't. I guess mood changes??? Strange to me...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What about going in for some marriage counseling? Or maybe ask if he will be satisfied with having access to your phone and email? I think either way you need to tell him that his behavior is turning you off and you want to know what has to happen to move past this. If he won't take counseling or be satisfied with looking in your email / phone then chances are he is one of these incredibly insecure people that will never be over this. You might need to be thinking about getting out


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Maybe he has seen your web history? If he does a simple web search your posts on this site will show up. You have several saying you want an open marriage. Your H repulses you.

Could he have come across this info?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It sounds like you both still have issues, have you sought help? counseling? You both agreed that each of you have issues to work on individual and collectively, and those things take time to fix and best with help, let's face it these issues did not happen over night and they won't be cured over night either. you may not have been cheating but nor you were 100% present in the marriage either. His paranoia may have picked up on that...i am not suggesting you did anything wrong, and this is not a he said she said, its about the two of you finding common ground and building from that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I know how your husband feels. It is awful feeling insecure. Only when I finally told myself "fvck it, if Im not good enough let her leave or have an affair then divorce her". To me I felt unshackled. I started to live my life on my terms. Doing this helped us both. I no longer wonder if she is thinking of someone else or seeing someone on the sly. And for the record there are no red flags.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JasonKaven (Oct 24, 2014)

A relationship without trust means nothing. If you suspect your spouse is cheating, just confront him and try to sort it out together. If he refuses to a peaceful talk and keeps lying or hiding, then install a stealth monitoring software like "iKeyMonitor" to help you find out the truth. Once you get the evidence, you can choose to stay or leave.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

What are you doing with sex toys when you begrudgingly give sex to your husband? Why not use your husband as your sex toy? In addition, why on earth would you tell your husband that you have "hots" for someone else? This is very cruel.

You made him who he is today; simply, very unsure of how he stands as your husband. You need to see a marriage counselor together to fix your problems. Get rid of your sex toys!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> What are you doing with sex toys when you begrudgingly give sex to your husband? Why not use your husband as your sex toy? In addition, why on earth would you tell your husband that you have "hots" for someone else? This is very cruel.
> 
> You made him who he is today; simply, very unsure of how he stands as your husband. You need to see a marriage counselor together to fix your problems. Get rid of your sex toys!


Read OP's comments (*all*_ of them_) in this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/243906-considering-open-marriage.html


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Gus: I read OP's posts as to your link. These two definitely need serious marriage counseling and a psychiatrist. I am speechless!


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

First off, sorry for not responding to replies. I have a bad habit of not getting back on to reply, but I am definitely reading the suggestions! To continue from last post, I'm just gonna say I wish I would have. At least I would be guilty for something I actually did! I can't believe some of the things people will do to catch someone. If I find out my husband has any type of spy equipment, we are done. I guess on the other hand, he would feel like an ass since nothing is going on. I don't agree with giving up my privacy in order for him to feel less paranoid and better about himself.

He wants to go to therapy now. How is a 3rd party going to make him believe me? It seems like a waste of time and money to me, but I guess if it makes him feel better, that is what's important. We've been to therapy so many times for his addictions and job issues, I'm just bored of it to be quite honest. Just so I don't end up hearing what books I should read because that is why they are getting paid to sit there and listen to us gripe and give us advice. Not for me to go home and read.


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

Roselyn said:


> What are you doing with sex toys when you begrudgingly give sex to your husband? Why not use your husband as your sex toy? In addition, why on earth would you tell your husband that you have "hots" for someone else? This is very cruel.
> 
> You made him who he is today; simply, very unsure of how he stands as your husband. You need to see a marriage counselor together to fix your problems. Get rid of your sex toys!


Where do I begin? My husband is impotent, probably due to long term alcoholism that he blames on me. I told him I had the hots for somebody else because he kept probing and insisting on that I was somewhere else in my mind. It's kind of like being interrogated. After awhile, you just tell them to shut them up. I know this sounds harsh. I am just speaking the truth on here because you are asking. I do not speak to him this way. Sex toys finish what he can't sometimes with him included. He loves it. I guess you don't believe in porn either? Nothing wrong with it to either one of us. We're trying to fix our marriage and sex life, not kill it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP --
One partner tells the other they have "feelings for someone else" but have not acted on them. not unreasonable for that to create some suspicion in the other partner, don't you think?
Plus, why do you need 'privacy' from your husband on your phone and email? Are you calling people or writing things you'd rather he not know about? I think your maintenance of privacy within your marriage is the least of your problems.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Pandora's Box was opened when the statement was made concerning feeling for someone else.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Yummy, I realize you have a lot going on over the years, and this is just the tip of the iceberg with him.

You told him you had the hots for someone else. Take it from me, he is now going to spend every waking moment trying to prove or disprove that you are cheating on him. And the problem with that, again take it from me, is that short of literally keeping you on a leash, he cannot actually prove you are not cheating. So internet searches of this nature are his new reality.

The only thing you can do regarding this specific situation is to keep reassuring him of your love for him, reassure him that he is the only one you want, and to offer full transparency. This includes open internet, phone, etc. if you cannot do any of these, then it may be best to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

i can understand how you husband might think you were cheating, and not because of the "hots" comment.

Think about this....Cheating is common and rampant today. he probably has friends or co-workers doing it and they gleefully brag about it. there are numerous TV shows where cheating is glorified. its all over the tabloids....and distance in a relationship is huge red flag for it...so i can understand how he could be suspicious.

you make it worse by having phones, email etc locked and not open to him. time to end that.

all your "hots" comment did was add fuel to the fire, even though it is normal human reaction to find other people attractive. 

it has been pointed out here already you have some issues to address on your end. do so. but that dosn't give your husband a pass...he needs to address his own issues, especially the heavy drinking.

by all mean see a MC, consider it a very good sign he is willing to go. you commented about a 3rd party "making him believe you".....well a good neutral MC will get tot the root of these issues and hopefully point you in the right direction. there is no harm in going, only more to loose by not.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Seeing these words made me feel like somebody punched me in the gut.


Imagine what he's been feeling like after you told him you have the hots for someone else.

You brought all this upon yourself and your husband. I feel terrible for him and little sympathy for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

After reading your other threads it is pretty clear to me you checked out of the marriage long ago. You need to decide on a course and stick to it. End it or work your ass off to save it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP --
> One partner tells the other they have "feelings for someone else" but have not acted on them. not unreasonable for that to create some suspicion in the other partner, don't you think?
> Plus, why do you need 'privacy' from your husband on your phone and email? Are you calling people or writing things you'd rather he not know about? I think your maintenance of privacy within your marriage is the least of your problems.


Yes, I agree that telling him this was a huge mistake and I'm 100% sorry I did. Honestly, I've done these types of things my entire life. I've always had thoughts about somebody else (normally on TV, not in real life) because I become easily bored or maybe it's because I've spent most of our marriage alone while he was drinking at bars or wherever he decided to be and we've never slept in the same bed. So when I go to bed, I'm thinking of someone else! At this point, I have no interest in sharing a bed with him. I've been in my own "space" for so long without him. I don't know how else to explain this. I guess I compare it to him fantasizing about a porn star when with me. I don't think it's a big deal. He says he doesn't do it and maybe he doesn't, but I find that hard to believe. 

As far as the privacy, no I am not doing anything I shouldn't. I just believe that as humans, we are entitled to privacy and boundaries. I have sacrificed so many years of my life waiting for him (which many on here do not understand about alcoholism) and never questioned him once about whether or not he cheated on me. I could have cheated hundreds of times, but never did once. He didn't care at all about my feelings then and now I suddenly feel that this spun around on me and I'm the bad person. It's a very strange position to be in.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Just my opinion OP, but you need to let go of the alcoholism thing if he fixed it. The resentment is killing your M. Also, you need to own up that you tossed him a heck of a curveball and he lost trust in you. That trust is hard to earn back.

I also think that your needs to privacy won't work in most marriages. You should want your spouse to know virtually everything about you.


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Yummy, I realize you have a lot going on over the years, and this is just the tip of the iceberg with him.
> 
> You told him you had the hots for someone else. Take it from me, he is now going to spend every waking moment trying to prove or disprove that you are cheating on him. And the problem with that, again take it from me, is that short of literally keeping you on a leash, he cannot actually prove you are not cheating. So internet searches of this nature are his new reality.
> 
> ...


Thank you PhillyGuy. I'm trying my best to reassure him that I want to be with him, not someone else. But I will not tolerate his alcoholism. At the same time, he ignores me at times and spends hours every night on his tablet. IDK, maybe I need to pay attention to my own behavior to see if that is triggering his. Also, the impotence thing is new and I'm not sure how to handle that. I can't be spontaneous in the bedroom but then he gets mad at me when he pops his pill, but fails to tell me, like I'm psychic. Aaaahhh!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Alcoholism is not something you fix. 

I'm a recovering alcoholic and will be so the rest of my life. It takes daily diligence and commitment...forever. Her husband will find other ways to get the booze in him than hanging out in bars. If he is not detoxed and doing AA 3 to 5 times a week...she should not be buying his bill of goods.


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## Wiredtired (Apr 16, 2015)

YummyPB said:


> The title of this thread is what was found on my husband's tablet as my son was doing a search on it for a school project. I am not a snooper Our marriage has always been rocky, but hit a boulder a few months ago. We both contemplated a divorce. Once we sat down and had some serious conversation, we agreed that we both have issues to work on and during different talks, we both came clean about some things. He kept prying me about how I always seemed to be aloof or somewhere else in my mind. He assumed I must be cheating. I confessed to him that I had thoughts about somebody else, but never approached the person and I never cheated. * I do not have access to this person and he has no clue that I had the "hots" for him I guess you could call it. * I totally regretted saying this as it spilled out of my mouth. I knew as harmless as I thought it was, it would be life changing for him. Now he's left feeling paranoid and inadequate and constantly assuming if I'm behaving differently such as being quiet on a certain day or not at my desk at work when he stops in that I must be cheating. I am not! Seeing these words made me feel like somebody punched me in the gut. I thought we were doing so well in the past month. I was giving him what he wanted, which was more sex and he cut way back on his drinking. The sex thing is also making him suspicious. He had accused me in the past of being a dead cold fish so I thought I'll let my real self show and he loves it, except that it leaves him wondering where I learned these things and that I must be doing them with this "other guy". No, I just read and view alot. He also snooped in our nightstand and accused me of using my toys instead of being with him. No, I moved them because I was looking for something. It's making me crazy. I truly am doing my best and was starting to love him again and want it to work, but I cannot fix his paranoia about me (not) cheating. This is a total turn off for me and I told him so when the toy subject came up. I feel like I'm guilty until proven innocent. He does not know I found this and I'm not sure I want to say anything. He bought this tablet at the end of March so I'm not exactly sure when he did this search. Should I just leave it be for now and wait for him to confront me again? He also has a problem with keeping his feelings straight. I don't know what that is but he does it at work too. One day he likes somebody and the next he doesn't. I guess mood changes??? Strange to me...


My marriage sounds similar to this, except I was the one who was suspicious of my wife and still am to some degree. My wife told me a few months ago (while slightly drunk) that another guy was hot. Her comments are always unadulterated and truthful when she has a few beers in her, so this made it worse. You shattered your husband's world, just as my wife shattered mine. He will always look upon you with suspicion now every time you leave the house, talk on the phone, etc. In his world, he is the only one you have the hots for, he's the only good looking man to you....make him feel this way...don't make him feel as though he needs to compete for your attention and love.....he already did this, and his prize was his marriage to you. what if the situation was reversed? how would you feel?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Just curious... do you know when he did the search? Was it the day before you found it or a long time ago?

If it was a long time ago, move on. Obviously you' re probably both in a different place right now. If it was just before you posted here, then yeah he's wondering.

Did you address it with him? IF not, go to him and say "Listen, I found that search on your computer. Do you suspect I'm cheating? Because if you do, what can I do to show I'm not?"


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I am wondering about his ED.... how much time does he spend on the computer....? I am sure that what you said to him gave him good reason to mistrust you. However, I just wonder what else you might find in his search history.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

YummyPB said:


> *Yes, I agree that telling him this was a huge mistake and I'm 100% sorry I did. Honestly, I've done these types of things my entire life. I've always had thoughts about somebody else (normally on TV, not in real life) because I become easily bored or maybe it's because I've spent most of our marriage alone while he was drinking at bars or wherever he decided to be and we've never slept in the same bed. So when I go to bed, I'm thinking of someone else! At this point, I have no interest in sharing a bed with him. I've been in my own "space" for so long without him. I don't know how else to explain this. I guess I compare it to him fantasizing about a porn star when with me. I don't think it's a big deal. He says he doesn't do it and maybe he doesn't, but I find that hard to believe.
> *
> As far as the privacy, no I am not doing anything I shouldn't. I just believe that as humans, we are entitled to privacy and boundaries. I have sacrificed so many years of my life waiting for him (which many on here do not understand about alcoholism) and never questioned him once about whether or not he cheated on me. I could have cheated hundreds of times, but never did once. He didn't care at all about my feelings then and now I suddenly feel that this spun around on me and I'm the bad person. It's a very strange position to be in.


So I am confused...you feel this way, yet claim you want to stay with him...WHY? It doesnt sound like there is love or anything really good between the two of you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

youkiddingme said:


> I am wondering about his ED.... how much time does he spend on the computer....? I am sure that what you said to him gave him good reason to mistrust you. However, I just wonder what else you might find in his search history.


Porn abuse may be a factor, but remember that excessive alcohol consumption is a major cause of ED.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

There are many ways to skin a cat....it's easy than you think, PM sent.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I find it interesting that in your first post your said you "let your true self show" in regards to sex. 

Why didn't you do this long ago???


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

I had hang-ups about looking stupid or not doing something right. Low self esteem.


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

Update to this post: husband is planning on moving out even though he doesn't have a "plan" other than he is going to stay with his brother. He confessed 2 days ago that some "pig" gave him a BJ because I didn't. While all this year, he was worried about me having something going on. 

I always remember my mom saying to somebody a long time ago that you have to watch the ones that are accusing you of cheating because it's usually them. Now I'm left wondering if this "pig" is somebody I know or if he was stooping so low and paying a prostitute. 

I am left with being heartbroken for our son, sad, angry for dealing with his addictions for over 20 years and in denial that it is really happening, but I'm sure in a while I will realize it was the biggest blessing of my life!


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