# Need a womans opinion



## ZorroFL (May 24, 2012)

I need a womans opinion with regard to my wife's occasional behavior. My wife and I have known each other for 10 years, dated for 3 and have been married for 18 months. I have been married previously, this is her first marriage. She has never really had a long term relationship and, thankfully, she has been candid about her past. My wife is having a hard time giving up her single life. She is a wonderful, beautiful person and has tons of friends and I have always known that about her and I accept that she devotes a lot of time to her friends. Many times she will hang out with her single friends after work and have a few drinks. I have no problem with this. On occasion, usually once a month, she calls me and says she has had too much to drink and stays over at her single friends house. I certainly dont want her driving if she has had too much to drink. Once even staying over at a single mans house. Worse yet, she has lied to me saying she was at work when actully she was out with her single friends, not comming home til 4pm the next day. I am desperatly trying not to be controlling. She deserves and needs to spend time with her friends. But I think it is inappropriate for her, as a married woman, to stay out all night. I ask her to be more considerate of me when she makes these decisions. She has a choice to not drink to excess. When I tell her that staying out all night, and worse yet lying to me, hurts me deeply. She refuses to discuss it with me saying she dosent see any problem with this. Its this behavior that I need some feedback on. Is it appropriate, is it not. How do I handle the issue. I do go out with her as often as I can, often times joining her and her friends. I am just not good with her all nighters. Is that too much to ask?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hmmmm.

OK, Zorro, here is my opinion -- I am independent to a fault, I enjoy having my own life and my own friends, and I REALLY don't like being told what to do.

Having said that? I wouldn't be having regular all-nighters away from my husband. Maybe once, if I drank too much? But then I'd just cut out drinking for the next few months because that would be, to me, an indication that I was making poor judgments.

So I guess you need to have some more talks, and if she tries to tell you that she's just a free spirit? NAH. I'm a free spirit, but I wouldn't be doing what she's doing.


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## ZorroFL (May 24, 2012)

You hit that right on the head. She says she is a free spirit and that just how she is. I know she is not malicious in her actions or behavior. I have known her a long time. But, I am have a really hard time getting her to see my position. She is unwilling to compromise. Thank you for your opinion.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You and she both need to read the book Not Just Friends.

In my opinion, when you commit to someone, you no longer do what your wife is doing, and you have every right to ask her not to. You SHOULD be asking her, if you care about your marriage.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

She is way out of line. The fact that she lies to you is a huge red flag. Perhaps it's time for her to choose between her marriage or her friends. I'm thinking you may not like her choice.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Another vote for she's way out of line. She is NOT single and therefore should not be acting as such. The all nighters and the lying are completely unacceptable. I'd be okay with negotiating time with her friends but her husband should come first.

I'm wondering was she like this when you dated?


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## ZorroFL (May 24, 2012)

Thanks 827Aug. I would definitely not like the answer if I told her to choose our marriage or her friends. I just need her to compromise a little and not do the overnights. I believe she truely thinks this behavioor is appropriate. It is how she functioned some of her previous relationships. Of course those did not work out. She has acknowledged the lying as inappropriate. And I am still struggling with her overnight with a single male friend.


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## ZorroFL (May 24, 2012)

Thanks Mavash. No, she was not like this when we dated. At least after we became exclusive and moved in together. There were occurances prior to us becoming exclusive, but I cant take issue with that.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Zorro, good luck. I think you need to phrase it in terms of what you need and what you expect -- in other words, use "I" phrases. If she's at all like me, and it sounds like she is, she will not respond well to prohibitions, but she may well respond to hearing how her behavior makes you feel.

At best, she's just thoughtless. I hope this works out for you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ZorroFL said:


> I need a womans opinion with regard to my wife's occasional behavior. My wife and I have known each other for 10 years, dated for 3 and have been married for 18 months. I have been married previously, this is her first marriage. She has never really had a long term relationship and, thankfully, she has been candid about her past. My wife is having a hard time giving up her single life. She is a wonderful, beautiful person and has tons of friends and I have always known that about her and I accept that she devotes a lot of time to her friends.  Many times she will hang out with her single friends after work and have a few drinks. I have no problem with this. On occasion, usually once a month, she calls me and says she has had too much to drink and stays over at her single friends house. I certainly dont want her driving if she has had too much to drink. *Once even staying over at a single mans house.* Worse yet, *she has lied to me saying she was at work when actully she was out with her single friends, not comming home til 4pm the next day.*  *I am desperatly trying not to be controlling.* She deserves and needs to spend time with her friends. But I think it is inappropriate for her, as a married woman, to stay out all night. I ask her to be more considerate of me when she makes these decisions. She has a choice to not drink to excess. *When I tell her that staying out all night, and worse yet lying to me, hurts me deeply. She refuses to discuss it with me saying she dosent see any problem with this.* Its this behavior that I need some feedback on. Is it appropriate, is it not. How do I handle the issue. I do go out with her as often as I can, often times joining her and her friends. I am just not good with her all nighters. Is that too much to ask?


:redcard: 

So he pretty much hit a menu of bad stuff in her behavior and his own.

Yeah I know this was for the Ladies ... OMG UFB

Overnight with a male friend = divorce for me. Good luck

FWIW if my wife called me and said she was too drunk to drive, I am picking her up. I don't care what time it is.

Lying!? Forget it. That is terminal.

So you have to ask someone if it is ok for a woman to lie to you and to stay out all night? Is it ok for her to stay at a male friends house ... all night? You ask her to be more considerate. She refuses to discuss this with you. She stays out all day through the next day, lies about it and then tells you to buzz off. Now this behavior is certainly bad, but the worst behavior you do have absolute control over. I cannot understand why any man would be ok with any of this whatsoever. Why are some men so afraid of being called controlling? They would rather a wife be with a dozen other men than be called controlling. Amazing really.

This first post is so well put together with bad stuff it feels like a few college guys or sailors sitting around put this together as a joke.
Dear Penthouse.

If it is real it is certainly no joke but it is that outrageous.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Oh Boy.

Getting too drunk AND staying at a single guy's home? NFW!

This is not what married people do. How old is she, 17? Sorry but if she wants to try this in the future and she tells you she's too drunk to drive home (BTW, if that's true, how has she been getting to these supposed friend's houses?) tell her you're either coming to get her or you're sending a cab.

The more disturbibg part of your post is about the lying. This is a huge Red Flag. Hanging out with single friends who are more likely trying to hook-up than be social with each other. Is this truely what a married woman should be exposed too?

Have you ever been asked to join them? If not, that's also another Red Flag

Tell her it's time to get an independent third party involved to get an unbiased opinion about her habits and then schedule a few sessions with a marriage counselor.

This is wrong on many levels my friend


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ZorroFL said:


> I believe she truely thinks this behavioor is appropriate. It is how she functioned some of her previous relationships. Of course those did not work out. She has acknowledged the lying as inappropriate. And I am still struggling with her overnight with a single male friend.


This is a bad sign. She's done this before and its likely why those relationships didn't work out. And she thinks its perfectly okay.

The overnight with a male friend is bad, bad, bad.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Wow, your wife has crossed so many boundaries, I don't think she is even capable of crossing back over.
Drinking to excess so that she can't drive?
Spending the night with a single guy?
Lying?
Not acceptable any shape, way or form.
She's not a free spirit, she's cake eating & enjoying every piece of it.
Time for MC & if she won't go, then I think you're only option is to let her know she can continue her single life AS a single woman since you are done.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

if she's such a 'free spirit' why on earth did she get married???


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

How old are you and your wife?

I ask because it sounds like she was not actually ready or mature enough to get married and behave like a married person...if i randomly stayed out all night, drunk, with god knows who, my husband would have a fit and rightly so! 

But...i wouldn't even think to do that because 

a) i don't want to, i did that when i was younger/free/single 
b) it would be ridiculously disrespectful to my husband.

Going out with friends is one thing...going out a lot without you, getting drunk, staying out all night, and staying with a guy? Totally out of order.

And i am a strong independent woman with friends who likes a drink....but i'm also married.

And if you don't set your boundaries now, what is her incentive to stop?

If you look like a doormat, and lay like a doormat, someone's gonna walk all over you...


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i dunno if you said how old she is.. maybe it doesnt matter. 

if my husband was out all the time staying at other people's places of the opposite sex while drunk i'd have a real problem with it. controlling or not. reguardless... i dont think it's controlling to tell your spouse that what they're doing isnt cool... especially when it's legitimate. telling someone not to spend time with their friends period:controlling... telling someone not to sleep at other men's houses while intoxicated:not controlling. 

good luck, buddy..


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## ZorroFL (May 24, 2012)

This is Zorro's wife, thank you ladies for your response's! You are all right. I hope that I can become a better wife, and partner! I am having a hard time growing up. I do pray and hope that I will grow up! I love him and his children and grandchildren and parent's. I have no children! I do a lot, but not enough! Please, keep sending your advice.........


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

ZorroFL said:


> This is Zorro's wife, thank you ladies for your response's! You are all right. I hope that I can become a better wife, and partner! I am having a hard time growing up. I do pray and hope that I will grow up! I love him and his children and grandchildren and parent's. I have no children! I do a lot, but not enough! Please, keep sending your advice.........


You need to either stop this now or give this man his freedom so he can find someone who cares enough to make him number one. 

I went through this many years ago now and it was the hardest thing I ever did. It still hurts to this day from 25 years ago if I let myself think about it. So I don't!

It was very nearly the end of my marriage. I was ready to see a lawyer and call it quits but I decided to hold out a little longer and hope for change. As luck would have it; during that time she suddenly came to her senses. Everything has been great sense then. 

If you really love him. Stop! Praying and hopeing to grow up won't work and you know it. Its your decision to make and follow through on. Its not something that just happens.


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