# Can't on day just be about me!!!



## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

So this weekend is vday and our 5yr wedding anniversary, so usually in the past my hubby has never done anything special, till today I wake up to roses and a ring wow I was surprised he did anything. Then I see a small flower arrangement and I'm like aww for our daughter, uh no he says oh I'm taking it to my mom. I'm like wtf really , I know I sound like a brat but honestly i think I've earned one day, I've gone through birthdays Christmas mothers days easter always him making sure to get her something and me I've never gotten a gift for mothers day, I have 2 children, I think this is the 2nd vday I get anything, and Christmas never, I've always done something special for him no matter what. I'm just like really on Valentines day our anniversary you still need to get your mother something? Now I may be a little biased because me and his mother don't get along she's talked horrible to me doesn't really see our kids unless we take them to her but he sees her perfect. Should I be upset or what??


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

No, you should not be upset. I'd just be grateful for what you did get, or you'll probably never get anything again and make him feel really unappreciated.

I didn't even get a verbal "Happy V Day," and won't, and he got nothing for me, our daughter, or his mother.

Be grateful.


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

I'm grateful, I'm just upset he's always getting his mother something and the one time he actually does get me something it's like he can't just do it for me. Believe me I've been there no happy vday no happy mothers day all the holidays, but then him getting his mom something. I guess I'm just jaded on the past


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Not knowing all the history, it does sound hard to be grateful, but if there's a chance you showing ungratefulness will result in the cessation of future attempts at gift giving, I'd try very hard to just bite my tongue today. I'm there with you....just trying to get through today without one sarcastic comment leaving my lips!


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

Yeah I'm trying lol but just the thought of going to his mother's house today just makes me want to explode. I've bitten my tongue in the past so much but I'm just fed up with it, I loved that he tried but it's like he thinks he has to always get her something if he gives me something ,and his mom has a husband although honestly for years has treated her sons as her husband's I'm just tired of the bs, but thanks for the advice and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to you?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Mzgman2010 said:


> So this weekend is vday and our 5yr wedding anniversary, so usually in the past my hubby has never done anything special, till today I wake up to roses and a ring wow I was surprised he did anything. Then I see a small flower arrangement and I'm like aww for our daughter, uh no he says oh I'm taking it to my mom. I'm like wtf really , I know I sound like a brat but honestly i think I've earned one day, I've gone through birthdays Christmas mothers days easter always him making sure to get her something and me I've never gotten a gift for mothers day, I have 2 children, I think this is the 2nd vday I get anything, and Christmas never, I've always done something special for him no matter what. I'm just like really on Valentines day our anniversary you still need to get your mother something? Now I may be a little biased because me and his mother don't get along she's talked horrible to me doesn't really see our kids unless we take them to her but he sees her perfect. Should I be upset or what??


It's none of your business what this man gets his mother. She gave birth to him; she was there long before you showed up.

Your issue is with your husband and his not showing you more appreciation with gifts. That's the issue. Plenty of men can give both their wives and mothers gifts at holidays. Why doesn't your husband do that for you? Hint: It's not because he's getting momma gifts.

And did you know he was a momma's boy before you got married? If so, why did you? Momma's boys seldom change.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Op this is a poorly chosen battle. Showing an appreciation of love towards his mother shouldn't threaten you, give the guy a break there. Frankly that attitude is exactly what turns some guys off, we hear how we never make an effort and then when we do it's never good enough. 

Thank him for remembering, thank him for the gift, tell him how much it means to you that he put the time into it, maybe next time he will remember that praise and do a repeat.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

Try to focus on the positive instead of the negative. He seems to be trying to do better, and you should applaud that. His mother may even be giving him advice which will benefit your marriage right now. I understand your want for your own day, but don't chose Valentine's Day to make a stand. You are technically sharing V-day celebrations with millions today. Encourage him to do things outside of holidays by doing it yourself first. Show him the way, and he will catch up.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Men buying their moms gifts for & spending Valentine's day with them is just so ewwww. Are you now planning on a romantic evening with him? (where is the barf emoticon?)


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Has he ever shown you appreciation for getting him a gift for any occasion? I'm wondering if he is one to show you acts of appreciation by taking out the garbage, working on the car, lawn work, giving you a night off of taking care of the kids so that you can go out with friends, etc?


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

Believe me all the 8 years I've tried showing him and everything every single holiday or anything I've done special things for him. I do focus on the positive I try. His mom giving him advice is not happening she purposely went behind my back and did so.ething to my kids I told her not to while I was having surgery, then lied toy face which is why I'm not speaking g to her at the moment. Yes I think it's weird he bought her roses and candy he's 34 he compares himself to my son who's a mama's boy my son is 2.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Can you give more history on your marriage? How do your in-laws act with one another?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jaquen said:


> It's none of your business what this man gets his mother. She gave birth to him; she was there long before you showed up.
> 
> Your issue is with your husband and his not showing you more appreciation with gifts. That's the issue. Plenty of men can give both their wives and mothers gifts at holidays. Why doesn't your husband do that for you? Hint: It's not because he's getting momma gifts.
> 
> And did you know he was a momma's boy before you got married? If so, why did you? Momma's boys seldom change.


I agree with this.

My ex husband ignored me completely on special days for years. But that had nothing to do with his relationship with his own mother, or what he didn't give me or did give her. We are divorced now...but I still remind him to get his mom flowers or something on mother's day if we happen to be talking and he has been really busy or scatterbrained (we share custody and co parent). It's the kids' grandmother, too. 

It seems selfish to me that for you to feel good, he needs to NOT do something for his mom.

I thought you said it was a small flower arrangement?

I'm in my forties...and my parents sent me a small card and treat for v day. I got my children some candy. Some families do that...


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

My in-laws well my father in law always was out bar hoping and with other women which in turn her sons kinda filled in he's better now. 
Selfish is one thing I am not believe me it's our 5 yr. Anniversary and valentine's day I don't think it's selfish to want this day for us, especially when all other holidays I don't say an thing but yes this day we should celebrate our love..


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

Also my mother in law is hardly a grandmother to our kids, if she were close to them sure I would go get her a carnation or something my kids could take her but she makes no effort to see or talk to them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

intheory said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Yeah, it's the kids' grandmother. But why protect her from the knowledge that her son would probably forget to get her a Mother's Day gift; unless his *ex-wife* reminded him to?


Geez, what do you have against people being nice to each other and helping each other out? There are plenty of times in life I've had a lot going on and someone has nicely reminded me of something and I was thankful for the reminder.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It is a spouse's business what gifts are bought for whom. If you want to have secrets, don't get married.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Vday and my birthday. I got nothing. It's ok because I love my husband and appreciate what he's done in other ways to make it special for me. He made an effort for you and for that alone regardless of his mothers gift you should appreciate it. He's obviously very thoughtful to think of his mum on this day also


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hmmm...I don't know. 

My mum is a widow since dad died 2 years ago, and since dad died the older of my 2 younger brothers (if that makes sense) always sends her roses on Valentine's day. I think it's sweet. 

Even though I can't stand my MIL, I don't think I'd be fussed if hubby sent her flowers on V day if my FIL wasn't around.

Mothers Day is a whole different thing...if he got his mother a present but nothing for me whoa baby. Would not be happy. And it's not about the present. It's about taking the time to think of his mother and go out of his way to do something for her and nothing for me.

I couldn't stand being married to a mama's boy. Yuck.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Hmmm...I don't know.
> 
> My mum is a widow since dad died 2 years ago, and since dad died the older of my 2 younger brothers (if that makes sense) always sends her roses on Valentine's day. I think it's sweet.
> 
> ...



I agree, but he didn't just think of his mil, he thought of his wife too so it's a bit different


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

Yes today he thought of me too but in the past he has just bought his mother gifts, so yeah today I wanted for it to be about me. My father in law is there to buy her stuff it would be different if he was gone


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

I understand a bit more how u are feeling if there has been issues in the past with gift buying. Is the fact that he bought u and mil this year a sign he is improving?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Valentines day flowers for his mother are a red herring. She feels like less of a priority then his mother and I can understand why she feels like that. He routinely puts a lot more effort into his mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

He just pushed my buttons now he left to his mom's and took my son to go deliver the damn flowers. He never takes our kids anywhere never but he took him tonight to take the flowers ,that makes my blood boil that he puts effort into my kids getting someone that hardly sees or talks to my kids.


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

Maybe I'm being dramatic today for holding so much other things in through our marriage so many times he's put everyone before me. I do everything for him so many special things I've done from me and the kids over and over, it was just too much today.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What did you get him for V Day?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mzgman2010 said:


> Yes today he thought of me too but in the past he has just bought his mother gifts, so yeah today I wanted for it to be about me. My father in law is there to buy her stuff it would be different if he was gone


Did you talk to your husband about what you wanted before VDay?


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

Playstation 4


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Is this so much about gifts, or about the amount of time that your husband spends with his mother, vs. your family? That's what I am inferring from your message.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Sounds like he is improving. You said he never gets you anything. Well, he got you something this time and what did you do? You complained that it wasn't enough. Where is the incentive for him to continue to do this?

If you wanted him to spend time with you on Valentine's day you should have told him and you should have planned something for you guys to do. He can't read your mind. He was probably really freaking proud of himself for buying you that ring, too. 

The issues with his mom you need to deal with separately...as in not on a holiday when he's shown improvement by getting you a gift (which you've complained he doesn't normally do). It sounds like you're jealous of the time he spends with his mom. Well, address that. Don't attack him on Vday when he's done something nice. Why should he ever get you anything again when this is going to be the outcome?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> Sounds like he is improving. You said he never gets you anything. Well, he got you something this time and what did you do? You complained that it wasn't enough. Where is the incentive for him to continue to do this?
> 
> If you wanted him to spend time with you on Valentine's day you should have told him and you should have planned something for you guys to do. He can't read your mind. He was probably really freaking proud of himself for buying you that ring, too.
> 
> The issues with his mom you need to deal with separately...as in not on a holiday when he's shown improvement by getting you a gift (which you've complained he doesn't normally do). It sounds like you're jealous of the time he spends with his mom. Well, address that. Don't attack him on Vday when he's done something nice. Why should he ever get you anything again when this is going to be the outcome?


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You wanted something specific, the two of you to spend they day together, just the two of you. This is something that you needed to talk to him about. He's not a mind reader.

He could have taken his mother's present to her last night. Or just a quick trip over there while you got ready for a hot date with your lover.


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## Mzgman2010 (Feb 14, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> Sounds like he is improving. You said he never gets you anything. Well, he got you something this time and what did you do? You complained that it wasn't enough. Where is the incentive for him to continue to do this?
> 
> If you wanted him to spend time with you on Valentine's day you should have told him and you should have planned something for you guys to do. He can't read your mind. He was probably really freaking proud of himself for buying you that ring, too.
> 
> The issues with his mom you need to deal with separately...as in not on a holiday when he's shown improvement by getting you a gift (which you've complained he doesn't normally do). It sounds like you're jealous of the time he spends with his mom. Well, address that. Don't attack him on Vday when he's done something nice. Why should he ever get you anything again when this is going to be the outcome?


I never complained today to him nor attack him. I came here to vent. I don't think he needs to be a mind reader to think to spend vday and our marriage anniversary with me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I'm in my forties...and my parents sent me a small card and treat for v day. I got my children some candy. Some families do that...


Yes. I'm a bit disturbed by the number of people in this thread suggesting something nasty or inappropriate about this man giving his MOTHER a Valentine's gift. I know lots of people for whom Valentine's day is about all kinds of love; familial and friend. My family always wished one another Happy Valentine's day in years past. I know people who do friends and/or family Vday dinners that aren't about romantic love or sex at all.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Mzgman2010 said:


> Playstation 4


He should be kissing your a**.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

so the question is , would a wife be happy when her hub don't admire and love his mom ?
I am not Mommy's boy ; I have never even listened to her ;but if wife gave 10% of love a mom has to her son ; the beautifull creature will live like in Heaven .


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So you are married to a man who doesn't give you the time and affection you want, and you go and buy him a video game system. What were you thinking? That's exactly the type of gift that will take more of his time and focus off you and the family while he zones out in fantasy land! 

Here's another thought; is he unhappy in the marriage or with you? It's very difficult to show love and appreciation for someone if you're angry or resentful toward that person. Is your marriage healthy for the most part or are you struggling?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Yes. I'm a bit disturbed by the number of people in this thread suggesting something nasty or inappropriate about this man giving his MOTHER a Valentine's gift. I know lots of people for whom Valentine's day is about all kinds of love; familial and friend. My family always wished one another Happy Valentine's day in years past. I know people who do friends and/or family Vday dinners that aren't about romantic love or sex at all.


:iagree: My parents have sent me a V day card every year ever since I can remember. My close friends do the same. I even receive Happy V day texts.

While I'm not necessarily a fan of V day, it's an expression of love between people, not necessarily lovers. I believe the hype and commercialism of this so-called 'holiday' has honed in on the lover aspect.

OP, enjoy that ring and those flowers and heap that praise upon your husband. A ring? Flowers? He did GREAT and I think you're being petty and looking for an argument where there is none.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I think this is clearly a case of expectations after the fact. It never occurred to you that he would even get you a gift. In fact you expected the opposite but bought him a gift anyway to one up him. It was only after you get gifts you weren't expecting that you suddenly had this thing against his mother.

Maybe twice a year I get a flower or a card. And never on holidays. It does hurt a little but I try to remember that holidays are about selflessness and not about what I get. Every year I get hubby a Star Wars Christmas ornament. It is the only gift I ever give to him during the year (the rest of the year I allow myself to be petty) but I make sure I do it every year because that is what the holiday means despite my unhappiness. My guilt over not respecting what a holiday means (at least Christmas anyway) than the pettiness I feel.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I have never heard of a son getting his Mom something for Valentines Day. A bit strange, but he did get you something so I wouldn't make a bit stink about it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Mzgman2010 said:


> I never complained today to him nor attack him. I came here to vent. I don't think he needs to be a mind reader to think to spend vday and our marriage anniversary with me.


Actually, some people are just bad at thinking about that stuff. To him, it's probably not that big of a deal. It's actually possible for him to love you and be completely oblivious to the fact that you wanted more time than what he gave you. 

It doesn't sound like he is a good gift giver. Maybe he doesn't know what to get. It could also be that he doesn't know how much time you want him to spend with you. Unless you sit him down and tell him...he will never know. Some people don't just know.

I am assuming he did spend SOME time with you. In his mind, he may have thought that was good. But since you came here to vent and add another item to your resentment list instead of talking to him about it, you're still going to be disappointed the next time he does it. You have to take initiative on spending more time with him IF that is what YOU want. Plan out a date, get a baby sitter, buy tickets....whatever. Why does he have to be the one to do it when it's clearly more important to you?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's important to her because Valentine's Day is traditionally held to be for sweethearts. She's tolerated him not appreciating her on mother's day, birthdays, and Christmas although he does get his mother gifts. She just wanted the traditional day for sweethearts to be about her.

Mother's Day is for mothers and he is welcome to his on that day. Let the OP have 1 day a year. God, knows she's earned it.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Frankly that attitude is exactly what turns some guys off, we hear how we never make an effort and then when we do it's never good enough.
> 
> Thank him for remembering, thank him for the gift, tell him how much it means to you that he put the time into it, maybe next time he will remember that praise and do a repeat.


Changing a few words I could make this post in all of the posts in which men on TAM complain about sex.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Starstarfish said:


> Changing a few words I could make this post in all of the posts in which men on TAM complain about sex.


Touché !


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Boundaries must be set and respected. A common ground where both parties feel satisfied.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It's important to her because Valentine's Day is traditionally held to be for sweethearts. She's tolerated him not appreciating her on mother's day, birthdays, and Christmas although he does get his mother gifts. She just wanted the traditional day for sweethearts to be about her.
> 
> Mother's Day is for mothers and he is welcome to his on that day. Let the OP have 1 day a year. God, knows she's earned it.


It's also their wedding anniversary. I'd feel hurt if my SO hadn't thought of and planned for us to be together on our anniversary. I don't blame her for feeling disappointed about that.

OP, it seems like you and your H are disconnected from each other. Are you two doing anything specific to work on your marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mzgman2010 said:


> I never complained today to him nor attack him. I came here to vent. I don't think he needs to be a mind reader to think to spend vday and our marriage anniversary with me.


I don't think its unreasonable for a man to take an hour or so out of the day to take flowers to his mother on Valentine's Day. There are 24 hours in a day. You get 22-23 of those hours. His mom gets 1-2. That sounds about right.

See, people have different points of view. He obviously has a different point of view than you do. That's why you need to talk to him before hand about what you want.

There are some very good books that would help you two learn to communicate. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The idea is for the two of you to read the books and do the work that is suggested.. together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Yes. I'm a bit disturbed by the number of people in this thread suggesting something nasty or inappropriate about this man giving his MOTHER a Valentine's gift. I know lots of people for whom Valentine's day is about all kinds of love; familial and friend. My family always wished one another Happy Valentine's day in years past. I know people who do friends and/or family Vday dinners that aren't about romantic love or sex at all.


To me Valentine's day is about all kinds of love, not just romantic love. I was taught that in elementary school when we all about those packs of a gazillion little valentines and gave one to everyone in our class and our teacher. 

I have always given my children something for Valentine's day... because it's fun and I love them... not romantically of course.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> :iagree: My parents have sent me a V day card every year ever since I can remember. My close friends do the same. I even receive Happy V day texts.
> 
> While I'm not necessarily a fan of V day, it's an expression of love between people, not necessarily lovers. I believe the hype and commercialism of this so-called 'holiday' has honed in on the lover aspect.
> 
> OP, enjoy that ring and those flowers and heap that praise upon your husband. A ring? Flowers? He did GREAT and I think you're being petty and looking for an argument where there is none.


Valentine's day was originally about lovers. The commercial card companies have turned it into a day about any and all kinds of love.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> It's also their wedding anniversary. I'd feel hurt if my SO hadn't thought of and planned for us to be together on our anniversary. I don't blame her for feeling disappointed about that.
> 
> OP, it seems like you and your H are disconnected from each other. Are you two doing anything specific to work on your marriage?


:iagree:

I think it would be different if it were just Valentine's day, but it's also your anniversary. I would be upset if my husband was running off to his parents on our wedding anniversary.

Have you told him it made you upset? How did he respond?


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I'm not reading these 4 pages, but I sure would like to know why it was okay - and not only okay, but quite endearing - when you thought the flowers were for your daughter?

You don't like his mom and while your reason might be that you know she doesn't like you, you cannot expect your husband to stop being the loving and thoughtful son he's always been.

The rest is as much your problem as you feel it is his. If you want and feel you deserve gifts for Mother's Day and other occasions, then you should not tolerate him neglecting you on those days.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

OP - still out there?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

A grown man getting a gift for his mother on Valentines Day....that has somewhat of an ick factor to me.

Cannot stand a grown-up and married momma's boy...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> To me Valentine's day is about all kinds of love, not just romantic love. I was taught that in elementary school when we all about those packs of a gazillion little valentines and gave one to everyone in our class and our teacher.
> 
> I have always given my children something for Valentine's day... because it's fun and I love them... not romantically of course.


^^^^This. My daughters get a little something. My W gets a big something. And yeah, back in my grade school days were I did most of my work on a piece of slate and chalk, I filled out tiny VD cards to all my classmates and the teach. 

Man...things have changed....


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