# Need Advice-Lost That Loving Feeling



## BeautifulLife2017 (Aug 23, 2017)

I am going to try to be brief, but as you all know sometimes it is cathartic to get it all out there. I am the husband (almost 40) and my wife is a few years younger than me.

I have been married a little over 10 years. Two kids in elementary school.

We had a pretty good marriage in the beginning. We got along pretty well and didn't fight much. We both worked and spent our free time together. We didn't make a ton of money but enough to live in a house and we had what we needed.

Then we had our first child. I loved being a dad and put my heart and soul into that. I helped as much as I could with the baby and loved spending time with him. Then two years later we had another one and the same continued. If I am being honest, I probably put my kids first and being a dad first over being a husband. But I think I still tried to be a pretty good husband.

I have always done at least my fair share around the house. Laundry, dishes, repairs when I can. I always help out with kids. 

My wife is a decent mom, but I guess not the type of mom I had hoped for. It's tough to explain, but we have had issues with discipline, bedtime, homework, etc. Sometimes I feel like I have three kids instead of 2. I don't feel like I can rely on her to get the homework done, get the kids in bed on time, etc. Now keep in mind, I do as much as I can when I am available, but I work full time (more than full time actually-anywhere from 50-70 hours per week). So I would really appreciate if she could kind of take the lead and be responsible for these things, but she isn't. We have had some serious fights about bedtime because she really has undermined the schedule that I try to keep the kids on.

I am a bit of a control freak/OCD, but I really want to let things go and trust her more, but she just doesn't seem to take things seriously. Bedtime is one example, homework is another example. I just don't feel like we are a team. I think sometimes she intentionally blows off the bedtime routine or doesn't even try because it bothers me.

Then there is the issue of politics/current events/intellectual curiosity. I like to learn new things. I follow politics and current events. My wife isn't interested in that very much, and doesn't really have much intellectual curiosity. I was reading a new book and I shared something from the book that I thought was interesting and she said it was stupid. She likes to talk about family drama and other people, but not really ideas. She doesn't really read at all.

She seems to me to be selfish. My perception is that she puts her own needs first. I work all the time, and on top of that take care of a lot of housework and stuff for the kids. On her days off she spends hours pursuing her hobbies. She is also on her cell phone a lot, and then she will criticize me for being on Facebook or whatever. I don't even think she realizes how much she is on her phone.

Then there is sex. We don't have sex that often, and I have to admit that the lack of sex is mostly my fault because I just don't desire it with her right now. Sex has just become boring and routine. And I think I have so much resentment built up that I don't want to be close to her.

Finally, there is a money issue. I make good money, and she works part time too, but it is just never enough because she just cannot stop spending. I made a budget and she just won't stick to it. I keep trying to tell her that we cannot keep spending at the level we are spending but it just never sinks in. She has her own separate account. I only expect her to cover a small portion of the bills every month, and she can do whatever she wants with the rest (saving a little would be nice). Yet she can't even do that.

I know that she does do a lot of things for the family. But sometimes I just think her priorities are not in the right place. We are just not on the same page regarding a lot of things.

So, I know that is a lot. As far as my mental state, I go to bed some nights and think everything is okay, and other nights I go to bed thinking there is no way to fix this and I try to figure out how I can move out and what a divorce would look like. I just don't feel that deep connection anymore, and I am not sure if I ever will again. We are fighting more and more, and I know that is not healthy for the kids. I feel increasingly negative towards her, and I know that when she senses that she will lash out. I am just feeling kind of hopeless and could use some advice or encouragement.

I know that some are going to ask if we spend any time alone together, without the kids. The answer is yes, although truth being told, sometimes I don't have any desire to spend time alone with her. The only think we really do is watch movies together in bed. We can't really have deep conversations.

Anyway, thanks for reading. There is a lot more to the story but I have already rambled on.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Hey there, sounds like the beginning of the end unless you decide you want to work on it. I was there 4 years ago, and very much the same situation but I'm the wife. I completely see myself in your post. 

Have you gone for marriage counselling and individual counselling? My H also did not turn out to be the dad I'd hoped for and expected. I wanted one who was engaged, joyful, and keen to do things with the kids, but he turned out to be passive, and childlike in the sense that he never took initiative in all the ways you mentioned. Even a stint when he'd lost his job for a couple of years, never picked up the slack and I found myself working full time, and doing everything I'd done before while he "took a break". 

Anyhow, once you lose respect for your spouse it's a long and arduous road to get it back and I don't honestly know if it's possible, it really depends on how far down that slope you have fallen. I was too far gone and while I agreed to stay and try to work it out, and I did get back to the point of caring for him as a person (where before I was angry, resentful and bitter), I couldn't get the love and respect back for him. 

So all that to say, I was able to get to the point where I could say to myself, I like most of my life, except the part where I'm married to someone who doesn't love me and I don't love him. As much as he said he loved me, I didn't believe him. So I had to come to the reality that it's ok to leave someone who doesn't make me feel loved, even if he says he does. You can't intellectualize a feeling. You feel it or you don't. So if someone says "I love you" and you don't believe it, then is it really love? Who knows. All you know is how you feel every day, and at the end of the day you're crawling into bed with someone who brings out complacency and boredom and there is nothing interesting, new, exciting or hopeful.... try though you might, you can't make yourself love someone again when you've lost respect. It doesn't work. I spent 4 years trying and it didn't work.


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## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

BeautifulLife2017 said:


> We can't really have deep conversations.


I haven't met a person, regardless of intelligence that won't become passionate about a topic they love and start a dialogue on it. Are you trying to introduce her to topics that only interest you? How about finding topics you know she'd love to talk about and start there. 

Your whole thread is very negative towards your wife in general. I can definitely sense that OCD/control vibe you mentioned and a 'holier than thou' mentality. Can you say anything that is unequivocally positive about her?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BeautifulLife2017 said:


> I am going to try to be brief, but as you all know sometimes it is cathartic to get it all out there. I am the husband (almost 40) and my wife is a few years younger than me.
> 
> I have been married a little over 10 years. Two kids in elementary school.
> 
> ...


Many couples face this problem at the 7-10 year stage of their marriage when they are overwhelmed with responsibilities of child rearing, paying the bills etc. What have you guys done to keep the love alive, date nights, weekends away without the kids, etc. You need that kind of connection to keep going otherwise you end up with all the problems you have. Your wife probably feels neglected emotionally and you physically.

Book a romantic meal for two, and sit down and talk about your hopes, dreams etc, You cannot expect your wife to know what is on your heart if you do not connect. She probably feels as miserable as you.

Another factor, if you do have OCD issues, you may be the one with the problem, being regimented in a family about everything is not good for relationship, you may need to pull back on that and seek some professional help. It appears you trust her with NOTHING, I am sure she knows too, not really a motivation to engage with you on anything.It is probably beating her down too. TALK and seek help.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

To be fair a lot of it seems like simple incompatiblity and not a who's right, who's wrong situation. 

In those cases it's really hard to change much because you both feel you are right, and both are in a lot of them. It's just who you are. 

I do think she needs to be paying the bills first so she never goes over into the bill money. That can be set up so as soon as the money hits the account the amount is transferred to a joint one but other than that... 

Some parents do rigid schedules. Some don't. Some people have different political interests and deep conversations and some like to watch the kardassions. There's no right or wrong, it's compatiblity and you either have it or you don't. You can't change people, only yourself. 

You can choose to leave or choose to accept with some minor changes but you'll never change who she is.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

BeautifulLife2017 said:


> I am going to try to be brief, but as you all know sometimes it is cathartic to get it all out there. I am the husband (almost 40) and my wife is a few years younger than me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Your telling my life story almost spot on. 
My wife is a good mom and works hard to keep the house together and take care of my young girls. but unfortunately she stopped taking care of herself soon after we got together. She eats terribly most of the time and she shows it. 
I've become turned off by the cumbersome sex and increased fighting. 
I have posted my situation here and the advice I've received is about the same and I've been grateful for it. I'm not sure if counseling can cause you to fall in love with your spouse again. I'm sure it works with couples who are still in love and are trying everything to stay together which is great. Maybe a trial separation will help clear your eyes. Getting away from her will either make you feel free and alive again or it will make you think about her and all the good things you liked about her. Maybe you'll begin missing her more than you thought you could. 
I know the logistics of separating. Easier said than done. 
Good luck. 


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BeautifulLife2017 said:


> I am going to try to be brief, but as you all know sometimes it is cathartic to get it all out there. I am the husband (almost 40) and my wife is a few years younger than me.
> 
> I have been married a little over 10 years. Two kids in elementary school.
> 
> ...


It appears you needs some work on yourself. Perhaps some IC for you as it appears your W is perfectly useless in your mind.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

You need to start and make a list of all the positives in your marriage, your wife's contributions are positive but not in the way you perceive, you are too negative i think to see the benefits your wife brings to the marriage, it is all about compromise, you need to be more positive and stop complaining when you lose control of issues regarding parenting, compromise more and see life more from your wife's perspective.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I hear you.. I'm on year 17 and not sure how much more I can take.. My kids should be in college in 4-5 short years.. : ) I cannot have conversations with spouse-- it's only about basic stuff. I have accepted it because he is not on the same page as me. I have a few friends that I get out with for conversation and also some co-workers. The bed-time and homework routine I have always done.. The times that I'm away, he will be laxed about it but I can't watch over everything. I just do my best the next night. I would suggest picking 2 important issues you have and try to discuss the pros and cons with her.. For me, it would be bedtime/phone issues so kids aren't crabby the next day. Or you can try marriage counseling, it could help with another opinion. I don't really care to spend time alone with my spouse either-- it's just an empty feeling. BUT we still get out to dinner alone or even some shopping for the home.


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## max17 (Aug 30, 2017)

i agree with you on that. marriage counselling can go a long way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You don't like her spending? You gotta do something to fix it. 

You don't like her intellectual motivation? Well she will be more than happy to devote every brain cell to ruining you if you divorce her. 
She'll read and research like you can't imagine.

My advice? You need to find some ways to have fun with your wife and have her with you so she is doing all this "spending" in your presence so you can lovingly persuade her to go easy on the spending.

All you are focused on is what a bad wife she is. How can she possibly have a chance?

Figure out a way to have fun and look forward to spending time with your wife, or you will be a divorcee with kids. I can tell you from experience that what you're wanting is not all that great. 

One last thing: What she's costing you now will be a drop in the bucket compared to what she'll cost you post divorce.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Is there anything good about her? I agree with the previous poster- "All you are focused on is what a bad wife she is. How can she possibly have a chance?"

You said in your opening post that "you are a little OCD", which raised some flags for me. Is she really that awful at things like homework and bedtime or do you feel that way because she doesn't do things exactly as you would do them yourself? 

Have you had any conversations with her about this? You are saying here you are lying next to her at night dreaming of divorce - does she even know you feel that way?

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## jdjd (Jun 4, 2017)

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My oldest child is 14, and my initial plan was to tough it out until college years. I now realize that is dumb. I'm setting a bad example of what a relationship should be, and I'm getting lonelier all the time. In my case, I've been doing much of the work in the relationship hoping my wife would do the same. After readying "No More Mr. Nice Guy", I now see the error in my ways and am working on asking for what I need. Also, someone suggested "His Needs Her Needs" which really changed my perspective on relationships. I can't say that my wife will ever change, but I'm becoming a better person. I now look forward to being with someone willing to work on our relationship with me.


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