# Passive-Aggressive Husband??



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I'm pretty sure my husband is a passive aggressive personality, and he is driving me crazy.

I’ve been reading up on a lot of information about passive-aggressive behavior and he has a lot of the traits. I’m giving some long examples below. Sorry , but I feel like it’s therapy for me to write it all out.

He constantly shirks responsibility. We’ve come to a point to where he doesn’t do anything around the apartment. He takes stuff out and doesn’t put it back. He never cleans his dishes. I’ve asked him a million times to please just clean his dishes at least. And he still doesn’t. If he actually acknowledges what I’m saying, it turns into…“what’s the big deal?” Or “you wanted to be a wife” (oh that’s my favorite)…always masked behind his….I’m in a joking tone but I’m actually serious….. I asked him for almost a month to hang something up for me so I could hang-dry laundry. He just didn’t do it…It’s the ‘yeah…ok’ response and it just never happens. These are the most recent examples that I can think of….but he acknowledges what I say…and says ‘sure’…but then just never does it. 

We argued so much last year between his behavior, my subsequent attitude, and our problems with him running our business (it didn’t go well because he has zero business and time management skills I found out), and I was so unhappy and stressed that our sex life went to a trickle. For once he finally blew up about SOMETHING…and it was our sex life. It was very random times he would blow up about it, but at least he told me his true feelings…albeit in a very harsh way. He demanded we see a sex therapist and probably find a doctor to prescribe me some pills to bring back my libido. 

Our first appointment with the therapist he was 30 mins late (he’s always late), and then he gave his honest opinion if not a bit sugarcoated with his 'nice guy' persona. She suggested we make time for ourselves with no work involved…like ‘dates’(we worked so much because of the business that when I came to bed late at night I was just tired and wanted to sleep because I had to get up the next day and go to my 9-5. So there would have to be a night there was no work). He cancelled our first ‘date’. Then a few days later said the idea was stupid. He didn’t want to do it. Our next appointment with the therapist he said he didn’t want to go. I went by myself. It turned into a therapy session for me. She suggested marriage counseling instead of sex therapy..as that is what it sounded like what we really needed. I told him, and he just ‘pshhhed…what a big rip-off therapists are.’ And we never made it into a 3rd appointment. 

I decided he was trying to scare me into having sex again, to help me ‘see the light’ about what I was doing wrong, and when the therapist didn’t look at me and say ‘you need to have sex with your husband’, but instead said ‘you both need to work on this and do this and this….’ He was like…ummmmm no.


He has started going out with his sister some nights, she just moved into town this month. She’s single and wanting to go out and meet people, and asks her brother to come with her. I’m ok with him going out most of the time. His son (my stepson) only visits once or twice a year..he stays for a month and a half in the summer…and we have no other kids. So why not? I’m perfectly capable of entertaining myself. I personally am not too much of a nightlife person…I could care less, and he pretty much is (was?) the same way. 

He’s only gone out a few times, and they stay out until 3 a.m. I get a little worried since it’s so late, but if I text him he always texts back so I feel way better. I don’t like the idea of him being out with all those single women, but I know he’s with his sister and he always comes home. He’s never given me a reason to be insecure. One of the very rare times I practically fought tooth-and-nail for him not to go out with his sister was a night his son was in town, and we were supposed to take a road trip the next morning early. I think he was getting back at me because there was a miscommunication, and apparently I was supposed to take Monday off work, so I ‘ruined’ the plans. I didn’t understand why he was going out when his son was looking forward to the trip, there was no way he was going to get up in the morning and drive a long distance after being out late. He just looked at me like I was crazy for not wanting him to go. Needless to say he went anyways, and the roadtrip never happened.

I live many states away from my family and bff, I’m by myself except for my H and his family. It’s been this way from pretty much the beginning of our relationship 4.5 years ago. I’m a private person and don’t let just anyone into my life, but I’ve finally met another girl whom I’ve begun to forge what seems to be a potentially great friendship. She’s close to my age, loves (and owns) horses…which I also love and have always wanted to have my own, she’s newly single however isn’t big into night-life either, professional and works a desk job like me, and on-and-on. My passion for horses has definitely re-kindled since meeting her. 

Unfortunately (and fortunately), in pursuit of her own dreams she purchased land an hour and a half away from me. The past 3 months I’ve been making the trip out there every other weekend or so to see her, ride horses, and just have girl-time. I actually always invite my H because he likes to ride horses too, but he will usually decline, or he has to work. 

After making the drive out to her, my girlfriend and I will spend the whole day riding horses, and by the time we eat dinner and get back to her house it’s late and sometimes I don’t want to drive back. I actually would rather be home, in my own bed, cuddling with my H, but it’s the responsible choice to stay and leave the next day. This has happened twice and I will usually do this on a Saturday. 

My H has never been a very clingy person, I actually sometimes feel ignored by him when I’m away from him or out of town because he almost NEVER calls or texts to see how I’m doing or where I am. I’M the one always checking in. I find this weird…but I’d rather have that than a super-clingy H so I take it that he just trusts me and doesn’t want to bother me. 

I told him two-weeks ago that my friend invited us out on Sunday because she rented a cabin and we should come ride horses and then swim in the lake. He sounded semi-interested, and I expressed sincere interested in going and I would love for him to come. 
‘Maybe’. 
He did have to drop his son off at the airport at 2:30 p.m. so he felt like it may have not been worth the trip since we would go so late. I wanted to go really bad, so I told him I would go and if he changed his mind please come out. I left around 1 p.m. because I ironed my stepson’s laundry, helped him pack his bag, did a little work with our business, and said my goodbyes when they got into the car for the airport. 

My afternoon was horseback riding, we went to the grocery store to get burgers and drove to the cabin and we swam around in the lake and ate dinner. I had sent way less texts than I usually do to my H, but I did let him know when I got there, and I sent him pics of the cabin, and around 10:30 p.m. he text me and asked if I was ok. I said yes and we were leaving the cabin soon (busy playing Sorry with the neighbors kids lol). 

Once we left and went back to her land to get my car, it was so beautiful outside (you can see all the stars there), we ended up walking around the pasture, looking at the stars and just talking. Well the talking in the pasture was very much unplanned…but it was so nice to talk to someone. So I didn’t leave for home until 1:00 a.m. I knew it was super late to be driving, but I wanted to get home, cuddle with my H and wake up for work the next morning…I’d be tired but oh well. I’ll drink coffee first thing and take a nap when I get home from work. 

I made the drive home, it wasn’t fun, but I didn’t feel at any point like I couldn’t do it. He happened to text me about two minutes after I left and I text him back letting him know I was on my way and I was coming home to him. I arrived home to a half-asleep H with a serious attitude problem, asking me a million questions about what we did and what we talked about when we were in the pasture. Like there is nothing in the world worth talking about that made me so late getting home. He never tells me a lot of details about what he does when he goes out, or conversations he has with people, I have to really grill him to get any details out of him, and all of a sudden he’s demanding to know every little thing that happened. That it was ‘weird’ for wanting to do this on a Sunday. That he was ‘worried’…which was said in such a way that I don’t think ‘worried’ was the right word…I think it was a guilt-trip word. That he was going to have to be the one to come and get me if anything happened, that no one out there (where my friend is at) cares about me and he would have to go out there and pick me up if I broke down or something happened. I drive an old car (its perfectly healthy just a 2001 so it has miles) and I’m driving all that way, and now late at night. And if he hadn’t text me when he did I would’ve spent the night out there (he thought I was lying that I had just left by the time he text me).

I didn’t know what to say, I was pretty taken back by his attitude. I had a million comebacks, but I knew it wasn’t going to do any good. I was actually hurt because he was coming from a place that I was being inconvenient to him, and it was obviously something he had reservations about me doing in the first place, and was not really out of concern that something may happen to me…that may have been a small portion of it but not the full story. All this coming from a man who is a night owl, who constantly stays up late to be tired at work the next day, and has known for awhile that I wanted to go out there on Sunday and practically begged him to come with me. I decided not to react in anger and argue back, just indignant that he thinks I’m a liar and don’t understand why he’s acting that way, and I just asked him to cuddle me because I’m cold – which he ignores me. The next morning I get the cold-shoulder and ‘well I guess since you had fun it was worth it…why not’. All the while very little eye-contact and no touching or kissing and no ‘I love you’ when he leaves. I’m so tired of this routine from him when he gets his attitude that I don’t even react anymore. I generally just give him the cold shoulder right back….I don’t feel like I should feel guilty, although I think he wants me to. He will stick with his point of view though, and then I start wondering if maybe he’s right….

One of the most recent incidences I actually called him out on was his need for me to announce everything we have in the refrigerator. He has this thing where he will decide one day to go through the fridge and he’ll find something and pull it out and say to me, 
“what?! There’s asparagus in this refrigerator and I didn’t know it! It’s going bad now *tsk tsk*. I would’ve eaten it if you would’ve told me it was there! Now we have to throw it away. Such a waste (sigh).” 
Me: “I didn’t know I needed to tell you everything we had in the fridge, it was right there in the drawer.” 
H: “Well you should’ve told me. I didn’t know it was there”. 

It’s upsetting to me when he does this, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. So after a few incidences of this, I decided to come back with my own P/A behavior and sent him a ‘public service announcement’ text that I had bought new fruits and veggies at the farmers market, and they would be located throughout the fridge and please take a look so you know what’s there. As usual…he didn’t take me seriously and went on with his life. 

Quite a few nights later…it was the same thing. 
H:“We have tomatoes??? Why didn’t you tell me!”..
Me: “I made a public service announcement over text about the veggies.” 
H: “What is that? You were serious?” 
Me: “Yes, so you couldn’t say what you’re saying to me right now”. 
H: “That’s a weird thing to do. You should’ve told me we had these” 
Me: “I did…” 
H: “No you didn’t” 
Me: (now getting angry) “I’m the only the woman in the world that has to announce to her husband every single thing that’s in the fridge. Go freakin’ look in the fridge yourself and see what’s there” 
H: “But I didn’t see it…I can’t find anything in this fridge it’s too messy” 
and I then start to get madder until he gives me the ‘you have too much attitude, what’s wrong with you’ look. Now I feel guilty for being mad. And I’m a bad person because I have too much attitude.

So many examples of me reacting to him, and then me feeling guilty for reacting. I feel like I’m standing up for myself, but then I start second-guessing if I was right in my reaction. Every…single….time.

He hides behind his “I’m joking” way of speaking…so that if I do react in a negative way he can say “I’m just joking, what’s your problem?”. 

He likes to criticize me in random ways, and usually out of nowhere. Never in front of others, always by ourselves. I don’t take criticism very well in the first place as I take it right to heart, and the way he dishes it out is usually hurtful to me. I know he takes criticism like a champ, but he doesn’t understand that I cannot be like him. I tell him it hurts my feelings and he pretty much says it shouldn’t. Or he turns it around somehow that I’m insecure and have issues. 

I feel like everything I do is not good enough. I don’t cook enough, clean good enough, show affection good enough, help with the business good enough….. I’ve changed a lot for him, but he’s not changing a thing. 

When I do more around the house I’m all happy thinking he’s going to be happy with all the work I’ve done, he won’t acknowledge it, and so finally when I feel like I need some acknowledgement I come up to him, give him a kiss and say, ‘look baby I did this and that….’ He looks at me and says in his semi-joking tone ‘you’re supposed to do that. See? It’s not so bad….’ This can turn into an argument…depending on how much I feel like defending myself that day. 

He doesn’t listen to me, it’s like he tunes out on most things I say. I have to repeat myself later most of the time. 

He blames me for making him less ‘affectionate’ because I’m not super-affectionate like he was when we first met…so now he’s 
‘used-to not being affectionate…because of you’. 
I’m big on kisses, hugs, cuddles and caresses and lots of ‘I love you'….his definition of affection in the beginning was all that plus fawning all over him at all possible moments..…I’m just not the constant ‘fawner’. 

We spent $25k to start the business that he wanted, and I was fully supportive. Now that I’m asking for $2k to buy a horse so I can ride he pretty much says no without really saying “no”. He finds emotional ways to sabotage my desire, and then I somehow feel guilty for wanting to spend money. 

But he "DEFINITELY" needs to get his car re-painted because it looks “like crap” (he just bought it used and it does have some dents/paint damage…but honestly not THAT bad. I’ve had an older car that’s needed a paint job for years now, but we never wanted to invest in that). 

I feel victimized without really knowing how to explain I feel victimized. I hate that word because I love him, but I’m confused. Some days I really feel like I had enough….but then I always come back full circle wondering if maybe I'm really the problem.....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd like to make a suggestion to you regarding your post. I understand you need to get all this stuff off your chest, but it would be far easier for others to read if you would break up your thoughts into paragraphs. JMO.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Sorry....just fixed it


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

The thing about getting people to change (well, things):

1. You can't expect change. You married this man, warts and all; at some point, some part of you has to accept that he'll always have things he does that makes you upset. (I am in no way saying that his behavior is acceptable! But I am saying that it would be unreasonable for you to expect him to make every single little change you want him to make and be perfect)

2. If he does change, it won't be because of you, but because he decided to change. You can give him the incentives, but he has to actually make the decision to change.

So now the ball's in your court. You have a decision to make: do you really want to continue to put up with this emotional abuse and try to get a good marriage, or do you want to just call it quits? Which path will make you happiest?


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> do you really want to continue to put up with this emotional abuse and try to get a good marriage, or do you want to just call it quits? Which path will make you happiest?


I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of starting over. I'm scared to say I've been divorced twice. I'm afraid that maybe I am the problem and I'm letting a perfectly good man go.
I'm frustrated at how to communicate with him. Because I can ask, plead, threaten, yell, cry, negotiate....and he still does what he wants.
Has it progressed so bad that there's really no going back to that beautiful place we were in the beginning?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Well, sounds like you should take a good hard look at yourself in this marriage. Don't sugarcoat here, but think honestly:

Have YOU been a good spouse? Have you done everything you can do to try and fix this marriage? Is there any part of this that can be laid at your feet? If so, make those corrections.

There's a chance he could change. There's always that chance. But you have to be willing to give it up and really leave, not for him but for you. Shake up the status quo. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes not. But at least you'll know you tried.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

struggle said:


> I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of starting over. I'm scared to say I've been divorced twice.


What is so scary about being alone? Maybe your husband simply isn't a good match for you. Your personality types may not mesh, long-term. I don't know; I'm just spit balling here. But I do know this: when we play our hand out of fear rather than an inner sense of confidence in who we are, we end up with a great deal of angst. It appears you are in that spot. 

You have to be comfortable being with yourself and living in your own skin. Because no matter where you go, you take yourself - and only yourself - along for the ride 100% of the time.





struggle said:


> ... I can ask, plead, threaten, yell, cry, negotiate....and he still does what he wants.


Doesn't work, does it? Quit doing what does not work. It won't change a single hair on his head. It will only drive YOU crazy. He is going to do what he wants because he is living the way he desires to live. You can only change yourself. Time to shelve the screaming/threatening crap. 

If he doesn't want to change, fine. His life. His choices. It is up to you to decide what you can live with and what you cannot. Your life. Your choices.



struggle said:


> Has it progressed so bad that there's really no going back to that beautiful place we were in the beginning?


Nobody can go back to the beginning. That is the magical point in time where everyone is on their best behavior and in love and/or lust. Time goes on. The dynamics of a relationship change. Everyone gets comfortable and starts showing their true colors.

My husband is not the man I married. Actually, the man I married was a nice guy. However, I've concluded Mr. Nice Guy was an act to some degree. I've had a number of years to observe who he really is. And he is basically a self-centered, manipulative alcoholic. However, that is what an addict is because it is all about ME-ME-ME.

I don't live with the man. I drew my boundary. He chose the booze. I respect that. His life. His choice. My life. My choice.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> Have YOU been a good spouse? Have you done everything you can do to try and fix this marriage? Is there any part of this that can be laid at your feet? If so, make those corrections.



I think about this all the time. I know I'm not perfect. And I cannot completely change who I AM either. You know? 
I really think I have a self esteem issue...obviously I guess, right? That's my only conclusion on why I feel this way

I wish I could NOT be so sensitive to what he says, I dont' want to take everything he says to heart, but I do. I want my husband to be happy with ME...with what I do and who I am. I do not go around nitpicking the things he does. The only thing I ask of him is to take care of his dishes. And maybe show some interest in the things I talk about.

Our biggest fights are when he says something that just makes me feel like I need to defend myself. I've even tried not arguing back but addressing what he said and tell him "This is why we have problems. Comments like that, right there. You can't say things like that and not expect me not to feel like I need to stand up for myself." And all I get is the 'you're crazy' look. I really feel like if I ignore them...they will just continue or get worse, but if I show him that I will say something maybe he'll keep it to a minimum. It just turns into either an argument or him huffing to himself, shaking his head, and saying out loud, 'you're funny' or even better 'you're crazy'. I guess maybe he feels like he should be able to say whatever he wants?

I'm cleaning more because I feel like was something he liked to pick on so to stop it I just started doing it. I'm not necessarily cooking more (mostly because I have no idea what to make him - he's cut out fish because of a visit with a bad tuna sandwich, and he doesn't eat any other type of meat). There's only so much tofu I want to make. Sometimes I make things and he won't eat it. Then the next day it will be leftover in the fridge, and he decides he still doesn't want it and will eat cereal instead. Then before he leaves to go somewhere he does his little side comment that 'well all I got eat for dinner was a little bit of cereal'. I think I about exploded on that one. There's a perfectly good meal in the fridge that you decided NOT to eat. I'm sorry but he's crazy if he thinks he's going to get me to cook a fresh meal for him every meal for every day...I do work, do a part-time business plus have a small semblance of a personal life.

He wants me to be sweet and nice again...but I realize that was when we were at peace. When he lovingly listening to what I'd say and thought I was so interesting. When I soaked up his affections and loved every minute. No responsibilities, no judgements, just happy to find someone we care about. 

I can be sweet and nice - but I guess I'm not in a place where it doesn't comes out in me anymore. During a fresh day, I push all my negative feelings aside, and just kiss and hug and talk sweetly - and it's usually met with little enthusiasm and attention, and usually with a 'mmmmhmmmm' like I'm faking my affection. When I look hurt he just laughs like he was joking, a quick and unemotional kiss, but then goes on with what he was doing. So if I confront him about it...it's like I'm trying to start a fight. "you want problems" he'd tell me. How many days would I need to put up with that before he reciprocates the affection?

To be honest I feel really stupid writing this stuff. Just reading it makes me feel petty or something. But I know the difference between the happy me and the unhappy me. And I'm living in the unhappy me. 

What can I do to be a better wife?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> What can I do to be a better wife?


THAT is a question only he can answer.

Just reading what you've written here, it sounds like he's quite a self absorbed guy. He's not interested in his marriage at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Get some counseling. In fact, get lots of counseling. Seriously.

Quit sucking up to him. You are in a no-win situation.

What you need to understand, on a very fundamental level, is he is WHO HE IS. Just as you admit you cannot make a radical change in who you basically are, neither can he.

I don't understand why you would put up with such disrespect. He doesn't care if you come back at him with "I feel" comments. 

Like A Bit Much said, this is a man who doesn't sound like he's emotionally invested in his marriage. 

Yeah, it does sound like your self-esteem is zip. And staying with an abusive jerk isn't going to help it. However, if you stay then at least get very serious about counseling.

Either that, or just suck it up. Because between you and me, this guy doesn't sound like he has the least bit of interest in changing.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Why are you trying to please him? I know you don't want to be alone but don't sacrifice your well being just to avoid being alone. You really need to talk to him and ask him to really listen to what you are feeling.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

True, you can't expect a spouse to change their personality.

However, a great majority of the time, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or other personality disorders/passive-aggressives act completely different with a significant other BEFORE the move-in date/wedding.

So let's not necessarily blame the OP for not knowing exactly what she was getting into.

"I know he takes criticism like a champ"

Uh- you sure about that? Sounds to me like he's punishing you constantly for those real or imagined slights.

The refrigerator thing just makes me laugh. Been there done that. Down to the very phrases he utters. I guess they ***** about the fridge contents because there is usually a veggie rotting in there to hold accusingly up to your face. It's just convenient that way.

I used to just try harder to make the guy happy too. I thought maybe it was unreasonable to expect him to pay the slightest attention when I talked about something important to me. Maybe I was being overly demanding to think that we could split the household chores since we both worked full time. Maybe it was asking too much that he act as if I exist when other people were around.

Have you read 'Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man'? 

Believe me, I know how easy it is to fall into the silent treatment, etc. in reaction to his P-A crap. But try not to. It only reinforces his view that his behavior is normal. Instead let him know that YOU KNOW what he's doing. You know it is not your imagination. Call him out calmly and rationally (he'll then probably deny and gaslight) and draw a boundary. 

Are you getting enough good stuff out of this relationship to put up with this crazy-making behavior the rest of your life? That's the real question.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

You are right that his reaction to you coming home late that night was based around the fact that you may have inconvenienced him. I know how awful that feels. He wants to be fawned over all the time and inexplicably expects you to do all the work at home for his benefit? 

It's possible he is a narcissist as well as P-A.

_"When he lovingly listening to what I'd say and thought I was so interesting. When I soaked up his affections and loved every minute."_

A narc will "love bomb" you in the beginning to get you hooked. Then once you're secured and you start treating him like he's a partner and expecting him to do things that are beneath him like placing his own dishes in the dishwasher, the hostility dance starts and the "devaluing" stage begins.

Being with a person like this will damage *anyone's* self esteem.

But leaving one lifts an enormous weight off your shoulders. At least that was my experience.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your responses. We had a big talk last night.

He started it with "this is not working"
I heartbreakingly agreed that there is something wrong with our relationship.
We both agreed that we do not seem to agree on much anymore, and we just can't get on the same level. Our relationship has been broken down with so many months of not fixing it. It's an accumulation of many different things that have happened that have broken it down, not just one thing. We still do care a lot for each other.

He doesn't do anything I ask...he has no reason to give me why
He doesn't help around the house....he has no reason
We have very little sex....it's not that I DON'T want to have sex, there's just no romance. Most days I think about sex really. I believe the sex was a symptom of greater problems in the marriage. Any affection I've given is not fully reciprocated. One theory - I think he was punishing me in a way because we HAVEN'T had sex..so why is he going to make it easy on me? The ONE time I actually tried something I've never tried before a few months ago (when he got home I was naked and had candles going and some raggae). He barely looked at me and was like "just wait baby...I'm really really hungry". What?! I didn't know whether to be embarassed or pissed. Never happened again.
He has not romanced me (date/movie/suprise getaway weekend) in at least a year and a half.....he has no reason


That's about where we agree. From there...I really don't agree:

1. I am not his priority anymore
(I don't cook for him like I should, we don't have sex like we should, I didn't stay with him that Sunday night when we could have spent time alone together). 
The Sunday night is a GREAT example of him not communicating with me, and then being P/A later. He was telling me 'sure!' to go...when instead of saying 'hey baby, it's not that I don't want you to go but I'd REALLY like to have some alone time with you'. Nope...he said ok....I came back and got attitude...and now it's added to his list of me not making him a priority.

2. Along the lines of number 1, I do not cook for him like I should. He wants to be fed....lets say 95% of the time.
He's a relatively healthy eater and doesn't eat most meat...so it's not like I can bring him fast food or something if I'm tired. He did "say" last night that I could've ordered food but I know how he is...he complains EVERY TIME he eats something like pizza or takeout because it's so unhealthy. So no, he would not have been happy with that - even though he used it as an example.

I think I used this same story above but it was discussed in our convo: One afternoon I made fresh beans and mashed potatoes, and he had made tofu. He didn't eat the beans and I put the leftovers of everything in containers in the fridge. The next day he came home from lunch and opened the fridge. I said 'the leftovers are there...you never tried the beans. Heat them up with your tofu and mashed potatoes.' He didn't even respond to me...closed the fridge and popped two small bags of popcorn (I think I may have said cereal before...but it was popcorn). I watched him eat in confusion. Before he left he complained 'all I ate was couple bags of popcorn' and I confronted him and said 'but I told you about the leftovers!' At the time he just was like 'yeah ok'. But in our convo last night he said, "why couldn't you have made me fresh food? you should've seen that I didn't want the leftovers and said 'ok baby let me make you something else real quick' "
I said 'but when are we going to eat the leftovers?' He just shrugged like it didn't matter. 
He wants fresh-made food, he wants to be babied and served...it makes him feel good...it makes him feel loved

3. I was very very sweet when we first met. I changed.
I liked to bake....
"You were so sweet"....with a wistful head shake


Being who I am...I almost automatically want to say... "Ok - I'll cook more!!" 
But then I think....but why do I have to cook more? Why do I have to do everything? I work full time too. I take care of 90% of the business. Why do I have to be the one to put forth all the effort to make him happy...when he has offered me absolutely nothing? Not even a....I'll help a little bit more here...or a little bit more there....Nothing....

He's basically saying his desire has left. Which I find strange because as much crap as I've taken...how hard I've worked....I still love him. I see him and love him.

We had briefly discussed what would happen if we did seperate, and we'd need to leave the apartment we are in and give notice. I woke up this morning doing a lot of thinking and I wanted to talk more, maybe he would see that all he needs to do is put in some effort to make me see that we are a team, we do this together. Not even 3 minutes into my phone call at lunch he asked "Have you told the apartment about our 60 day notice??" WTH.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

struggle said:


> He started it with "this is not working"
> 
> He doesn't do anything I ask...he has no reason to give me why
> 
> ...


Any chance he's having an affair? No, it's not a WTH moment. It's him telling you he's done. Done. And from what you have described, him leaving is actually doing you a favor. I know you don't see it like that right now ...

But you say you love him WHAT, pray tell, is there to love about this man? He is basically spitting on you with indifference and contempt. At least that's how it sounds to me.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Passive aggressive men do withhold sex as punishment.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Any chance he's having an affair? No, it's not a WTH moment. It's him telling you he's done. Done. And from what you have described, him leaving is actually doing you a favor. I know you don't see it like that right now ...
> 
> But you say you love him WHAT, pray tell, is there to love about this man? He is basically spitting on you with indifference and contempt. At least that's how it sounds to me.


Well I cannot say 100% no he's not. But he DID make a point to say that he's "very proud of himself that he has not cheated". He said in the past with ex-relationships he was "wild" and when things got bad he would go out and eventually cheat. But this time he didn't. He said spirituality helped him, which he just started to practice before we met. He also attributes his spirituality to how he's handling this breakup now. That's he's sitting and talking with me for hours and trying to be open about his feelings. This is the first real relationship he felt like he's really had. He wants to be friends, he wants it to be civil and to still be there for each other if we need it. He knows I'm here in this state all by myself. When he said all that I didn't know how to feel. It's like...I should feel greatful??

But.... I really don't understand why he's being so open with me now, that it's over? Why wouldn't you sit and talk with me BEFORE you made the decision about OUR marriage? Apparently he was throwing me little hints...with his P/A little jibs...about what he wanted. Putting me more into a defensive mode than in an understanding one. I understand more now what his needs are, and I'm willing to step up in what he feels are the important things, but there's still some things that I feel like HE needs to compromise on too so I'm not the only one making changes and putting forth more effort - that I don't think he wants to. 

Instead of sitting down and really talking to me about sex...about how he feels and what he needs and what we can do to make it better. It was "I cannot be in a marriage without sex! This is crazy I've never been in a relationship like this. You need help!" Which definitely did NOT entice me to jump on him. Should it have? He was most disappointed it the fact that after he took me to the sex therapist for one session...I did not get worried and just give it to him when we got home that night. I don't know why I didn't I guess...he left me to make the decision and I didn't make a move. So now it's my fault...he tried...but I didn't do anything about it. 

I cannot say I'm not completely to blame for having so little sex, I probably should have stepped up more. Withholding in the first place was emotional and because I was stressed and frustrated with him. Then it just became habit NOT to. Maybe I should have said "screw it" about my insecurities with his semi-rejections and just do it. But I think it's easier to say that now...in the moment it's different. There are emotions and insecurities that bubble up, and I wanted to feel like he wanted it to. Instead I guess he just wanted me to give him everything I've got. I guess I should've known that he loves me, so why hold back?
I'm just letting thoughts go here....

I have a lot to offer. I've changed a lot for him - even my friends tell me how much I've changed since I've met him. I'm not perfect, but I love deep and hard. I'm very very loyal and hardworking. I'm smart and learn very fast. I'm not the ultimate cook...I do ok...and I don't do it all the time. I keep fairly tidy, I'm not a slob but I'm not someone who gets a lot of joy from bleaching every nook and cranny. I've even increased my cleaning game since he made a point to tell me that he's not happy with the state of the apartment so I'm even cleaner than I originally started. I do have insecurities so I can get defensive, and I'm also defensive with my mouth so I speak up with I feel like someone is saying something mean to me or being unfair. I'm straightforward...my emotion is in my face. I want to travel, I love culture, I love learning, I love the city life and the country life. I love family, even though I'm still in a state of not wanting kids of my own. I'm not someone who just wants to be home cooking and cleaning for her man, I'm professional and I'm looking for a partnership with some give and take on both sides. 

For once in my life can I find a man that wants to take care of ME? I always feels like it's my fault because I'm not giving enough. One way or another.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

These types of men will never have enough of what you give. They are takers by nature... they take until you have been used up, then they leave you and onto the next. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to really look within to find out what about a man like this was attractive to you in the beginning. If you don't understand yourself, you'll end up with another one just like him for the next go round. The lesson has to be learned here and then you can heal and move forward to a healthy place. You'll recognize the signs very early and will know what you want and what you will tolerate.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

I think you don't want to have sex with him because he's an infant. He can't even pick up after himself. Why can't the idiot learn to cook food he can eat instead of acting like you're failing him for not having a million and one tasty tofu recipes up your sleeve? I wouldn't want to have sex with that idiot child, either. He can't live in a marriage without sex? Well maybe you can't live in a marriage with a helpless baby, either.


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