# husband won't listen to myopinions



## sophie30 (Apr 15, 2009)

Hi
My husband and i have been married 3 yrs in September and he just decided to join a band without asking me what i thought or even caring what i thought.He told me i don't care what you think i'll do it anyways.I'm 30 yrs old and he's 28.We got in such a big argument about this that i have left for a few days.He thinks its all my fault and won't take any of the fault.I just don't like that he said yes without asking my opinion on it plus he has a full time job and am afraid it will interfere with that and he'll end up losing his job.Did i do the right thing by leaving for a few days? I'm at a loss as to what to do he says he doesn't care what i say he's going to do what he wants anyways i want to talk this out but know he won't listen he just ends up yelling at me.Please if someone could help me i'd appreciate it i'm pretty upset over this whole thing right now.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I assume there were several factors that led up the arguments about the band. What other conflict is there in the marriage? Have you asked him why playing in the band is so important to him? Can you empathize with his needs there? Can he empathize with your concerns about spending time with you and his day job?


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## sophie30 (Apr 15, 2009)

Yes there have been other arguments in the marriage like fact when i try to talk to him he yells at me and says whatever and won't talk anymore.I can understand him wanting to join a band he used to drum in one before we were married and quit and its been his dream to joining one ever since he quit the last group.But he doesn't see things from my point of view either he just cares about himself and what he thinks is right.Right now we are separated i'm hoping he thinks about things i know he doesn't want a divorce and neither do i.I don't want him quitting that band i just want him to listen to my opinions and take it into consideration.Am i doing the right thing by being separated from him?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

well, no one can really tell you if you're doing the right thing by separating... but, if you felt that at the time, it was the only solution... then that is what is best for you.

Your husband sounds like he's still Very childish... his behavior is selfish. I do understand him wanting to do an extra activity... it is not that that is the problem...

But as you say... this issue here is that he just does these things without even consulting you, without even mentioning it to you.

He doesn't seem to show any regard for your opinions, wants, needs.

I would tell him flat out, that some therapy is in order, just some marital counseling, to help him see that he's being selfish and insensitive. And maybe you two could learn how to argue more effectively. He needs to be told, that screaming at you while you are trying to discuss something with him, is counterproductive, and won't accomplish anything.

He does not seem to have a whole lot of respect for you, as a person, or he would at least let you speak.

I would sit him down, and tell him calmly, that you'll no longer tolerate him treating you this way, and that if you're to save the marriage, that he will have to come to couples counseling with you.


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## sophie30 (Apr 15, 2009)

thank you Marina72 that is exactly my same thinking i want to get into counseling but i don't know that he does i guess if he wants to save the marriage he'll do it.But he has told me out right he doesn't care what i think he will do what he wants.I also have a huge problem with him and his dad he does whatever his dad tells him and i'm afriad with us being separated his dad has put it into his mind he doesn't need me to move on and get rid of me.His dad has never really liked me for some reason my husband has said he will always put his dad first and me second is this right in a marriage or am i just crazy?How do i deal with this with his dad?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

"my husband has said he will always put his dad first and me second is this right in a marriage or am i just crazy"

You're Very right... this is a Huge no no in marriage... and if this is the way he is, I do wonder if he's even salvagable. Unless he can grow up, cut the cord, and be loyal to his Wife, which is what grown men do... then it's not looking good.

For him to say that he'll do whatever he wants, no matter what you say... that's abusive of him. 

I would stand your ground, tell him counseling, or else it's over. I hate to say jump into divorce, but it seems like he doesn't even care that you've left for a time. 

Gosh... he reminds me so much of a guy that I date, it was after my first husband, and before my second , current hubby. We actually got engaged.. he was just like your man, I eventually dumped him, because I realized he was not marriage material. Was selfish, obsessed with his Mom and Dad... he wouldn't even make a decision , about his life, career, buying something, wihtout calling them first... Creepy....

but worse, he lied a lot, he cheated on me. I later researched his personaility traits and found that he was not only bi-polar, but also had all the traits of a narcisist... dangerous people they are...

I am not saying that your man is exactly like my ex fiancee.... but, the things you have brought up, are very disturbing. And if he says he doesn't care , one way or the other, and refuses to go to counseling. Then you might just have to kick him to the curb.

He can either man up, and be a part of your marriage, and respect you. Or he can be gone. That would be my stance. If he truly wants to work it out, then he will eventually go to counseling

In the meantime, you need to seriously consider, if staying with someone like him, is in your best interest, and if you can actuallly live with him being so horrible to you. If you can't, and he won't seek counseling, then I personally would leave. 

Whatever you do, don't have kids with him, till this is resolved....

Good luck... please udate me and all of us here. We are here to talk if you need us.


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## sophie30 (Apr 15, 2009)

I am just very upset about all this i'm with my parents right now and i know they are behind me whatever i do.I love my husband very much and i know he loves me but with us being separated i don't know what is going to happen.I guess if he wants things to work out he'll meet me halfway and go to counseling.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

You are right. If he wants this to work, he'll go to counseling. And counseling can be very helpful, even if there are no major problems in a marriage. It's always nice to get a third parties opinion, and maybe a therapist can help him see how disrespectfully he's treating you.

Let us know what happens...


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

I completely agree with marina. This sounds so frustrating, I'm sorry. I would drop the actual issue of the band for now and try to get at the underlying issue. If he quits the band for you he'll end up resenting you for holding him back.


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## sophie30 (Apr 15, 2009)

Yes KMDillon this is really frustrating to me.I understand why he wants to be in the band and won't make him quit but yet he isn't wanting to listen to my opinions on anything i try to talk to him he yells and says whatever.What i don't understand is he is wanting to go out and buy things for him in the band and he really doesn't have the money to do this i try to talk to him and again he won't listen to anything i have to say.I'm afraid i'm just waisting my time and effort with him i want it to work out but if it is to work out i want him to listen to me and i don't know that he will.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

I don't want to jump to conclusions but it sounds like you want to control him. Do you have control issues in other areas of your life? Maybe ignoring your requests is his rebellion against feeling stifled. I really think a long, constructive discussion and possibly some counseling would go a long way. Talking about it will help you find out why he's acting this way and hopefully you two can work out a better system for making decisions together.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---But he doesn't see things from my point of view either he just cares about himself and what he thinks is right.---

In my experience, whenever people say something like "you aren't listening" or "you aren't considering my feelings", what they ACTUALLY mean is "you aren't doing what I think you should do" or "you don't consider my reasons as important enough".

He may very well have considered ALL your points thoroughly, but has decided that they are not reason enough to quit the band.

---my husband has said he will always put his dad first and me second is this right in a marriage---

My opinion here is that parents are the only people who can love a child no matter what. Spouses can be replaced. I'm not saying that to be mean to you, I'm saying that because you have to understand what you are up against, and it brings me to your next question:

---How do i deal with this with his dad? ---

With EXTREME CAUTION. The fact that the Dad doesn't like you, and your husband always obeys his Dad is a recipe for disaster.

Many of my female friends in the same situation, follow the "kill them with kindness" approach. It will keep him on his toes.

---I guess if he wants things to work out he'll meet me halfway and go to counseling. ---

I question your logic here, why is counseling "meeting you halfway". It sounds more like it is what you want, and you expect him to do it because he has to prove himself to you.

It would be just as easy for him to say "she should meet me halfway and stop bugging me about the band".

I don't think a real compromise (that is fair to both) can be reached until you BOTH sit down and figure out what the issues are. Until you define boundaries and values, you will not know if you are working together, or if you are just making unfair demands.

Forgive me, but I am tired of compromises where the deal is "you do exactly what I want, and in return I won't be mad". That isn't a compromise, that is emotional blackmail.

In your case, perhaps a better compromise would be "I think you should stay in the band because it is important to you, but working on this relationship is important to me, and I would like us to try counseling". That way you EACH get something you value.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> Forgive me, but I am tired of compromises where the deal is "you do exactly what I want, and in return I won't be mad". That isn't a compromise, that is emotional blackmail.


It's only blackmail if the prize is worth having, at the price it's being offered. People who use this tactic are running short of ammo in my opinion.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm not taking sides. For instance:



sophie30 said:


> my husband has said he will always put his dad first and me second is this right in a marriage


This is a terrible thing for him to say. When we get married, we need to get a divorce from our parents if it's going to work. I feel for you on this one.

However, if a man has a dream to do something, like play in a band and you stop him, you will always be the thing that stopped him landing the "big one". Even if he's no good, it's better to let him try and fail, than to stop him even trying. If you were to support him, you would win a lot of *brownie points*. Have you considered that? You might be able to use those point to overtake his father's position of 1st place.

To sum up, I see abuse on both sides. He has delivered a devastating blow by putting his dad above you, but.. you are trying to crush his dream. 

With a little skill, you could get more of what you want, and make him happy at the same time.


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## Sunny3 (Apr 25, 2017)

She says that she never wanted to take him out of the band. From reading this I never got the feeling that you needed control but that you feel major decisions should be a joint thing. In my opinion I feel it is crazy to want him to ask you first over something that he is passionate about. He was probably just really excited! To tell you immediately after the decision is made is a good thing. To tell you that your opinion holds no merrit is just awful. Your clearly dealing with competition which is scaring you because deep down you know there will be future problems and your also dealing with feeling that your sense of worth only matters to you. Am I right or wrong?
Leaving over an argument like that is not something that I would have done but a previous poster said that's maybe what you needed. So the questions about your future that you are asking about are pretty validated. It's better to nip this stuff in the butt and know now then to accumulate and escalate these problems. Neither of you should be stripped of your own happiness! You both should not have any of that taken from you because of someone else either.

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## Sunny3 (Apr 25, 2017)

Also counseling is good! It not only shows that you both care but are willing to learn how to talk and treat each other while overcoming both of your flaws!

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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Sunny3 said:


> Am I right or wrong?


It's been slightly over 8 years since the OP was here, so I don't imagine we'll ever know.


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## Sunny3 (Apr 25, 2017)

I'm new to this. I really have to catch on a little quiclet! Well best of luck to them both! Thanks GTdad!

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