# Help? I think my girlfriend is "cheating"



## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

Being that this is my first post, let me first share why I'm posting here: I'm embarrassed. I've only shared this situation with my closest friend, but I still feel I have more to get off my chest. I'd rather do it anonymously for now. 

Now for the back story: a little over two months ago, my girlfriend of approximately two years moved 350 miles to be with me. We had previously been in a challenging but rewarding long distance relationship, and it reached the point where we either had to move on or make arrangements to live together. We both badly wanted to be together, so for a variety of reasons, she decided to move here. She took a low paying, awful job in order to just get into the area, and the stress and frustration of the job coupled with the natural homesickness associated with leaving behind friends and family made her transition period difficult. The job always had her down, it put us on different work and sleep schedules, and it just wasn't ideal for nurturing the relationship. She's since been hired for a fantastic job and I talked her into quitting the bad one early to alleviate some of the strain. Since then, things have been incredible. I've been happier than at almost any other point in my life and I believe she has been too. Landing a new job and being able to escape the other one has done wonders. 

Recently her mother was diagnosed with cancer. Coupled with that horrifying news and the decidedly difficult transition period, there was some consideration that she might have to move back home. That's quelled a bit as we await more information on her mother's health, but it's still a lingering possibility. She's asked that I move with her and that's certainly what I'd like to do. But, as the thread title suggests, there's even more going on.

As someone with diagnosed but unmedicated (by choice) depression and anxiety, I regularly find myself in challenging relationship situations. Most of the time, it is of my own doing (rather, my brain's own doing). Past relationships have made it difficult to put my trust in people, and I get these strange, almost sentient gut feelings about things that often end up being accurate. That's what's going on lately.

My profession keeps me at a computer all day long, which unfortunately leaves me checking my Facebook and social networking sites quite often. It causes me to notice things. For instance, an increased interaction between my girlfriend and another man, whom I hadn't previously recognized. (Seeing this, my mind immediately says, "if you've never seen this person on here before and suddenly you see them with regularity, something _must_ be going on.) One day, I asked my girlfriend about this person. My mind is instinctively speculative and paranoid and I thought it would be healthy to simply address the situation. She said he was an old high school friend -- which is true -- and left it at that. (Well, not totally. She was defensive about it and mentioned that he would potentially come help her move were she to have to move back home on account of her mother's health. I didn't think that seemed particularly appropriate.)

This is the point where it gets especially embarrassing for me and please, by all means, give me hell for it. Still dealing with a strong gut feeling, I picked up her phone one day while she was showering and read through some e-mails. There were a few about potentially moving back because of her mom's health, but nothing about me or being unhappy with the relationship. She has a pen pal that she has a very close relationship with -- a woman much like her who teaches elementary school in South Africa -- and there was a string of e-mails in there about this other guy. In that one, her friend asked if my girlfriend had told me about him or not. She responded that I "called her out" on it and that she told me he was a high school friend, which wasn't a lie. She also said that things had been better here since the job ended and that things were awkward with this other guy (her job had her at a computer most of the day also, and the awkwardness stems from the fact that she's not sitting at a computer and able to talk to him all day, which he complained about, according to the e-mail). However, being she's been off all this week as she waits to begin starting her new job, I've noticed that she's been signed into her chat client almost all day, which isn't normal for her (she barely uses her computer if she doesn't have to). Naturally, my brain is kicking and screaming that she's sitting in our home talking to this guy all day. 

There were other e-mails referencing this guy, but nothing particularly alarming. I can't remember what they said exactly. 

Here's the thing: she moved 350 miles to be with me and this guy doesn't live here. It's been a difficult transition for her and she's away from everyone and everything she knows, so in some ways, I can understand why she'd grasp at... whatever kind of relationship this is she seems to be involved in. At any rate, it seems obvious that something "inappropriate" is going on. To what extent, I don't know. It just feels wrong, and my gut is raging on this one. Why would her friend even wonder if she had told me about this other guy unless there was something to tell, y'know? I'm insecure and predisposed to anxiousness and jealousy as is, so sitting idly by without knowing what's going on is becoming painful (like, actually physical painful in my chest). 

I'm in the wrong on this one. I snooped and read something private, which I'm not proud of and realize is a horrible, horrible thing. Is living with this worry my punishment? Should I bring the subject up again and, if so, how?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I'm in the wrong on this one. I snooped and read something private, which I'm not proud of and realize is a horrible, horrible thing.


Bullsh!t mate! Your gut is talking to you and you should listen. Between us men, she now lives 350 MILES away from her original place. This other male "highschool friend" is going to do 700 miles to help her move? Out of the goodness of his heart? You know it ain't so. You know what is up. You're a man, you know what is going inside his head don't you?



> She responded that I "called her out" on it and that she told me he was a high school friend, which wasn't a lie.


It wasn't technically a lie. It was probably omission of what else he was during high school. The fact that the pen friend made that question seems to indicate that this guy was discussed somehow and her answer, that you "called her out" is a bit disturbing. I think a more normal response if nothing was going on would be for her to accuse you of being jealous or insecure. 

I would install a keylogger in her computer and see if something is going on. 

Anyway, if she is going to move away again you may want to prepare to end this relationship, for your own sake. 

And i would also advise you to seek help for your psychological problems, although you being paranoid doesn't mean there aren't people trying to get you!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, don't think you are being "insecure." You are noticing a difference in her behavior that deviates from her norm. So you are protecting yourself.

It's hard to say what kind of relationship she has with this guy BUT it is interesting her pen pal asked her "Did you tell him about him yet?" It's indicative...of something.

It could be that they have a romantic past, etc.

If your depression and anxiety are very bad, you may want to consider counselling or medication. There is nothing wrong with either.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

if she feels the need to be talking to him all day on the computer or otherwise, then that is pretty much a classic type of EA......you don't communicate that much with a casual friend.


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Ok coming from a woman now. It doesn't sound like anything has happened but yes side conversation with another man highly inappropriate. Like Costa200 said you know men he is not taking the long haul to help a friend move unless he has intentions on winning some brownie points which eventually he hopes to cash in for a little nookie (excuse the term).

I like yourself did a bit of snooping on my husband and found a ex texting and was torn on wether or not I confront because of the way I obtained the info but you know what just like you again its eating me up inside to know my husband has done something inappropriate in our relationship and not call him on it.

Yes confront her, but try to leave the when and how you know part out unless you have absolutely no choice but reveal. Dont come from an accusing place try and keep it casual. The point is to deter her from making a really bad decision as far as old boy is concerned. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable to know she has male friends remind her if the tables was turned she would not be cool with it. At this point you have nothing solid to pounce on her with but do keep you eyes on the situation....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My input is short and sweet.

A GIRLFRIEND, not a WIFE.

Does this sound like WIFE behavior?

I'd think about moving on...


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

There does appear to be more about the friend than she has let on. But what concerns me more is your complete understanding of your own problems, yet you have done nothing about it. I have had pretty severe anxiety, stress, anger and to an extent the paranoia problems you talk about. This is unhealthy for you and also those around you. I knew I had the problems for around 10 years. Finally, a few months back, I finally twigged and decided I no longer want to be like that. I have been through Individual Councelling along with Cognative Behavioural Therapy, and you know what? It has straightened me out incredibly. It's the best thing I ever done, and it's all for me.

I think mate, you need to get yourself sorted, into a good place mentally. Strongly consider approaching your girlfriend about the friend, but be ready for either her to go on the major defensive, or to hear some stuff you might not want to. But for sure, it's time to get yourself sorted. A book that was recommended to me on here, 'Awareness' by Anthony De Mello has helped with a whole new outlook on life, is one that might do you some good. Can pick it up on Amazon for a few quid.

Keep us posted anyhow. No end of help on here, no matter how bad things get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

turkish said:


> There does appear to be more about the friend than she has let on. But what concerns me more is your complete understanding of your own problems, yet you have done nothing about it. I have had pretty severe anxiety, stress, anger and to an extent the paranoia problems you talk about. This is unhealthy for you and also those around you. I knew I had the problems for around 10 years. Finally, a few months back, I finally twigged and decided I no longer want to be like that. I have been through Individual Councelling along with Cognative Behavioural Therapy, and you know what? It has straightened me out incredibly. It's the best thing I ever done, and it's all for me.
> 
> I think mate, you need to get yourself sorted, into a good place mentally. Strongly consider approaching your girlfriend about the friend, but be ready for either her to go on the major defensive, or to hear some stuff you might not want to. But for sure, it's time to get yourself sorted. A book that was recommended to me on here, 'Awareness' by Anthony De Mello has helped with a whole new outlook on life, is one that might do you some good. Can pick it up on Amazon for a few quid.
> 
> ...


I finally started going to counseling earlier this year, when her and I first started discussing one of us moving. I wanted to move there, but my mom is recently widowed and quite devastated, so I had a lot of guilt about packing up and moving, being I'm an only child and her only real family left.

Anyway, I was having enormous difficulty deciding what to do and, more than anything, it was the culmination of years of depression. I decided that I had to talk to someone or completely lose my mind (which is the weird thing: as you say, I tend to be fairly rational on an intellectual level, but I'm such an emotional wreck that any rationale is often overshadowed). I eventually stopped going because it was costly and didn't seem to be beneficial. She really only offered me solutions that dealt with the rational side, which didn't help because I can understand things fine, I just can't deal with them emotionally. Breathing exercises just aren't useful to me. Plus, it was really expensive.

I think I'll ask her again about the situation in the next couple of days. I'm thinking the best way to do it, without being accusatory, is to take the tact of the posters above who mentioned that no "old high school friend" is going to up and help someone move 700 miles for no good reason, and that I've been thinking about that explanation and it's been bothering me. (For the record, she said he and another friend -- a mutual friend -- would help. It wouldn't be just him.)


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

While the snooping may be a little on the unethical side, your gut was telling you that something was a little off, and you DO have the right to know what's going on in your relationship. Just go to the Coping With Infidelity, Going Through Divorce/Separation, Considering Divorce/Separation threads and you will see HUNDREDS of people who got that "gut feeling", and only found out the truth that they are quite rightly entitled to by "snooping".

My guess is that she feels guilty for being far away from her mother because of the health issues, and may feel that her duty is to move back home, which is totally understandable, and something that you should not stand in the way of if she decides to do so. But this "other man" (OM) situation adds a new dimension to everything, and what I'm about to say here may sound harsh, but it is definitely a possibility that you must consider: If she goes back, she will have the added benefit of your potential "replacement" waiting for her, and don't kid yourself-that offer to help her move sounds like he may be taking full advantage of her emotional state in order to look like the proverbial knight in shining armor who was "there for her" in her hour of need, and she can tell everyone later on that you refused to move with her when she needed you most, especially after she uprooted herself and sacrificed so much for you, and good old OM was there for her, while you were not...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

ajb3313 said:


> I finally started going to counseling earlier this year, when her and I first started discussing one of us moving. I wanted to move there, but my mom is recently widowed and quite devastated, so I had a lot of guilt about packing up and moving, being I'm an only child and her only real family left.
> 
> Anyway, I was having enormous difficulty deciding what to do and, more than anything, it was the culmination of years of depression. I decided that I had to talk to someone or completely lose my mind (which is the weird thing: as you say, I tend to be fairly rational on an intellectual level, but I'm such an emotional wreck that any rationale is often overshadowed). I eventually stopped going because it was costly and didn't seem to be beneficial. She really only offered me solutions that dealt with the rational side, which didn't help because I can understand things fine, I just can't deal with them emotionally. Breathing exercises just aren't useful to me. Plus, it was really expensive.
> 
> I think I'll ask her again about the situation in the next couple of days. I'm thinking the best way to do it, without being accusatory, is to take the tact of the posters above who mentioned that no "old high school friend" is going to up and help someone move 700 miles for no good reason, and that I've been thinking about that explanation and it's been bothering me. (For the record, she said he and another friend -- a mutual friend -- would help. It wouldn't be just him.)


If you both are having this many issues as just BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND, what do you think is going to happen if you ever get married?

I, personally, would never marry someone that I already had this many issues with, or who had many issues with me.

It's like starting off on the wrong foot and expecting things to get better.

Seriously, sounds like while you may love/care of her--she may not be the one for you and vice versa.

Remember, you only have one life to live--there are no do-overs.


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## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

F-102 said:


> While the snooping may be a little on the unethical side, your gut was telling you that something was a little off, and you DO have the right to know what's going on in your relationship. Just go to the Coping With Infidelity, Going Through Divorce/Separation, Considering Divorce/Separation threads and you will see HUNDREDS of people who got that "gut feeling", and only found out the truth that they are quite rightly entitled to by "snooping".
> 
> My guess is that she feels guilty for being far away from her mother because of the health issues, and may feel that her duty is to move back home, which is totally understandable, and something that you should not stand in the way of if she decides to do so. But this "other man" (OM) situation adds a new dimension to everything, and what I'm about to say here may sound harsh, but it is definitely a possibility that you must consider: If she goes back, she will have the added benefit of your potential "replacement" waiting for her, and don't kid yourself-that offer to help her move sounds like he may be taking full advantage of her emotional state in order to look like the proverbial knight in shining armor who was "there for her" in her hour of need, and she can tell everyone later on that you refused to move with her when she needed you most, especially after she uprooted herself and sacrificed so much for you, and good old OM was there for her, while you were not...


That had crossed my mind. Of course, she said that only once when I asked about him specifically, but ever since then it's been a matter of if "we" move. She's said time and time again that if she were to go back, it would be because of her mother's health (and, in the event her mother become too ill or passed, she has a younger sister that would need looking after) and that she would like for me to be able to move with her. And we'd discussed my moving there before she moved here anyway, so all other stuff aside, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to want and think of as a possibility. 

But even considering all that, the fact that she even mentioned that he would be one of the people who would help her move in the event that I couldn't go indicates to me that they discussed it, and to me, that much is inappropriate (at least right now, while we're still waiting on more details of her mother's health and have nothing in stone). I'm pretty private about my relationships. And I think most guys have internal alpha-male qualities that make them want to be superior to their "competition." So, for me, the idea that he might have been thinking he'd just waltz into our place to help load up boxes and bring her back home (were I not able/willing/whatever to go with) bothers me quite a bit.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> If you both are having this many issues as just BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND, what do you think is going to happen if you ever get married?
> 
> I, personally, would never marry someone that I already had this many issues with, or who had many issues with me.
> 
> ...


I get what you're saying. Right now, I'm trying to keep as level a head as possible and get to the bottom of exactly what's going on. Most of our "issues" thus far have been circumstantial. Neither of us have any control over being on opposite work schedules or family members falling ill, and those kinds of things, especially for a couple who has just started living together, would be a challenge for even the healthiest of relationships. But this much I do know: if there is an inappropriate relationship going on, as I suspect there is, then this isn't a relationship I'll be staying in.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

Yeah, first of all, don't feel bad about snooping, if you're in a commited relationship she should have no problem letting you read her emails in the first place.

I think it's safe to assume that they recently got back in touch with each other, otherwise she would have mentioned him to you before. Unless we remained in contact for a long time, if i'm going to travel 700 miles away to help "an old high school friend" move, I'll be expecting something to happen with her, maybe she'll need companionship to help her through her tough time, if you know what I mean. 

If she's been in contact with him for awhile, why did she never mention him to you? All of this sounds too fishy to me, I would move on if she moves back with this guy in the picture.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

chew her out than leave


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## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

A bit of an update.

I did a bit more snooping. It turns out, her e-mail password is the same as the password we use for the laptop we keep in the living room to play music from. That said, I found nothing suspicious or noteworthy. 

Prior to that, I started to feel bothered about it again and decided to bring it up. That was a lack of discipline on my part. I really wanted to keep quiet about it until I found something substantial to go off of, because right now all I'm working with is a gut feeling and a single e-mail. I'm right about these things often, but I'm not exactly batting 1.000 either. Like, for instance, when I mentioned that I notice her signed into chat all day (Google Chat and Skype, in particular) while she's transitioning between jobs, I discovered that she signs in to Google on her phone and sends texts -- to me, at least -- that way (something I used to do way back when). That doesn't mean she's exclusively using it as a text messaging tool, but I don't have any evidence of anything else. And this guy isn't even a Skype contact of hers. 

Anyway, we had a terrific night. She took me to the meet and greet for her new job and we went grocery shopping, which has always sort of been "our thing." If this relationship has taught me one thing, it's that grocery shopping can actually be a very fun experience. Later, we had a couple of drinks with dinner, and that was probably a mistake. It's always hard to tell with me what kind of mood alcohol will put me in. I only had three beers, but I ended up feeling completely overwhelmed by worry again.

I told her that something still didn't feel right about the situation and brought up that an old high school friend isn't going to simply come off the cuff offering to help someone move 700 miles out of their boyfriend's apartment (again, were it to come to that; more specifically, our concern is that she'd have to rush back for her mom and sister before my lease can expire, meaning I wouldn't be able to go with her right away -- thus the need for help). She immediately responded that she wants me to come with her if she has to go, "the end." I asked her if she understood how it appears very inappropriate from my point of view, and she said yes. She said that the week she found out about her mom's cancer was very difficult and emotional for her (as it would be for anyone) and said that she consciously chose to talk to some of her friends back home. I know that when she got the news, she felt extremely guilty and helpless. I reinforced that I want her to keep contact with her friends and that if I moved 350 miles from home, I'd miss my friends from back home too. That's not the issue.

I also said that my gut is telling me there's more to it, and that if there is, she needs to tell me. She said he told her that he had a "crush" on her "years ago," but that she's made sure to put up boundaries since. I asked what those boundaries were and she said "he knows I am with you and want to be with you and he knows there's nothing for him." I said that if he respected boundaries, he wouldn't have mentioned having a crush years ago on a girl who just moved 350 miles to be with her boyfriend. I said I didn't feel comfortable with the situation, and then we just sort of stopped beating that horse for the night. My initial reaction to hearing about the crush was twofold: (1) anger towards this other guy, because how f'ing dare he bring up feelings he may have had years ago to a girl he knows is in a serious relationship, and (2) why wasn't that mentioned the first time I asked? The more I thought about the latter, the more I realized that several girls have had empty crushes on me in life, and when/if a SO asks about that girl later on, I omit that fact to keep the dust from stirring. I've always been completely honest with SOs if something happened between me and someone else, but there's not really anything to be gained by saying "oh yeah, she had a thing for me" if nothing happened. 

So, that's where things stand now. Obviously there's still a bunch of cause for concern, and we all know that when there's smoke, there's usually fire. I mean, if a friend from high school were to come out of the woodwork tomorrow to tell me she had a crush on me senior year, that would pretty much be the end of that conversation. Although, technically speaking, there's no evidence at all that they're still talking regularly. Or of how regularly they may have been talking before. But the obvious assumption is that if she backed off when he told her he used to have feelings for her, she would have told me that. I feel like we didn't fully resolve the conversation last night, so perhaps I'll try to bring it up again this evening. I just wish I had more stone cold evidence.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

*I just wish I had more stone cold evidence. *

...that there's the problem....you can prove someone is cheating, but it is simply not possible to prove that someone is not cheating....you know....its impossible to prove a negative type thing. All you can do is your best, and then you have to decide whether to trust or not.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She said he told her that he had a "crush" on her "years ago,"


Yeah, i'm going to buy a "I told you so" sign... No guy would do 700 miles to move a girl out of her boyfriend's without wanting something out of it.



> but that she's made sure to put up boundaries since. I asked what those boundaries were and she said "he knows I am with you and want to be with you and he knows there's nothing for him."


Then why does she still wants that schmuck around? That's not a very well built boundary. It can crumble at any moment. Personally there is no way in hell i would stand this guy sniffing around my girlfriend. If he tried he would suffer severely. And if she gave me much grief about it i would pack her stuff and send her to her "friend". Relationships without a strong basis, a strong foundation built right at the beginning of it are a waste of time.

If a partner doesn't respect the other to the point of keeping away from lovestruck buddies, then it's time to start looking for another one.


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## hello86 (Sep 11, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

costa200 said:


> If a partner doesn't respect the other to the point of keeping away from lovestruck buddies, then it's time to start looking for another one.


I'm beginning to wonder if my mentioning that I had some bad gut feelings has made her realize this. We talked more about it on Friday and since then (and even a few days prior to that), I've had no indication at all that anything's going on. One of the last things I told her was that I have no intention of being the kind of person who tries to dictate who someone else can talk to and that I felt like making her aware that it made me uncomfortable was enough for her to do what she felt was right. 

While I suppose it's possible that she's deleting e-mails and/or texts as soon as they happen, that seems fairly unlikely. Nefariously, I am able to check both. She's either been with me (and when she is, she usually leaves her phone sitting elsewhere) or in training for her new job, so there's almost no way she's goofing off there. It makes me wonder if I was just being paranoid in the first place. I mean, I have a desk job and I sometimes spend a large chunk of my day chatting with people. I'm never logged out of my own gChat. Maybe, at her previous job where she was in the same situation, that's what was going on. Maybe this guy told her about the feelings he had years ago and that was it, and that was the reason behind her friend's "have you told him about him?" e-mail.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

To the OP: Does her mother really have cancer?


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## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> To the OP: Does her mother really have cancer?


Yes. She had a successful double mastectomy on Tuesday for the breast cancer. She still has some remaining in her lymph nodes, but they are planning to treat those with chemo. Her mom's posted a bunch about it on her Facebook and I've been sitting nearby for a few of their phone conversations where they discuss it.


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