# How to deal with my wife who hates my mom alot



## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

My mom only lives 40 minutes away and I only see her once a year because my wife does not like to visit my mom. She keeps making up excuses such as the last one being because she voted for trump which my mom told me was a mistake and no longer supports Trump. My wife accuses my mom of being racist which she isn’t, and my wife couldn’t provide me with any details on why she thinks that. I’m white and my wife is Asian. Yesterday I was supposed to visit my mom and little brothers but the whole week my wife was being weird about it. I told her she can come and she just makes a weird face and says “No”! like I’m asking her to eat sh*t. She will also say numerous times how I should just stay there for a whole week. Later she will say why do you have to see your mom. I told her well I have not seen her since Christmas, and I went to spend time with my mom and my brothers and we plan on playing a board game which she just responds ugh how old are you. She later called me a mommas boy which I am not. I barely see/talk to my mom. My parents are divorced and for whatever reason my wife finds it extremely weird that I want to see my mom. She says I need to spend time with my dad more which I already do. My mom even sends me wife birthday cards with a gift card in it and Christmas presents. My mom’s side of the family lives in Iowa which I have not seen since 2016 due to my wife. It would be nice to see my grandparents alive one more time instead of in a casket. My wife even made a comment like when we have kids you better not be visiting your mom like this. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. Everytime I want to visit my mom or her side of the family my wife makes me feel like crap about it and how I should have no contact with my mom. It’s extremely frustrating. We are both 33 years old and this got worse once we got married.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So, what's your wife's relationship with HER mom?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If it were me, I simply wouldn't discuss it anymore.

Your wife's behavior comes across as disrespectful, and in some ways, she seems to talk to you like you're a little boy and not a grown man.

Tell her what you'll be doing, and invite her to come. But don't get drawn into arguments, and don't explain yourself.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What happened in the past between your mom and wife?


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## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

bobert said:


> So, what's your wife's relationship with HER mom?


It's pretty bad. She has told me she was verbally abused by her mom and physically abused by her dad. Her mom is extremely controlling and lived at our house for a little bit. We went for a jog one time and her mom just told us not to do it and its unhealthy. Everytime we go somewhere he mom says we are always on the go and spending money. She has not spoken to her mom over a year. My wife literally exploded at her last time they spoke because she was tired of how controlling her mom is. Her mom only contacts us when her mom wants something like money or other things.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

luke8787 said:


> It's pretty bad. She has told me she was verbally abused by her mom and physically abused by her dad. Her mom is extremely controlling and lived at our house for a little bit. We went for a jog one time and her mom just told us not to do it and its unhealthy. Everytime we go somewhere he mom says we are always on the go and spending money. She has not spoken to her mom over a year. My wife literally exploded at her last time they spoke because she was tired of how controlling her mom is. Her mom only contacts us when her mom wants something like money or other things.


Your wife is either jealous that your mom isn't a nutjob, or she's projecting.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Unless you are not telling us the entire story this is an issue your wife needs to let go of. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to visit his mom, hell I will go as far as saying a man should make a point to visit both his parents. 

You have let her insecurities take control and that is wrong, it teaches your wife she can emotionally manipulate you and have her way.

I wouldn't argue or ask permission, every couple of weeks I would go visit mom. Your wife either gets over it or she doesn't, it would be a deal breaker for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@luke8787*

Do you have any friends? If so how does your wife react to you spending time with them?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She doesn’t have a good relationship with her family and she doesn’t want you to have a good relationship with yours. That likely isn’t going to change, unfortunately. You’ll have to decide what you can live with going forward.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

When the topic is tip toed around and not confronted head on then you will just have a continuation of your current predicament. It sounds like your letting your wife have too much influence over you. Unless you stand your ground and draw a line in the sand you will continue to be her whipped dog.

A woman will use batching , whining, complaining, and theatrical tyranny if she knows it will allow her to get her way.
Choose to put your foot down ..... or continue to be part of the show.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

luke8787 said:


> My mom only lives 40 minutes away and I only see her once a year because my wife does not like to visit my mom. She keeps making up excuses such as the last one being because she voted for trump which my mom told me was a mistake and no longer supports Trump. My wife accuses my mom of being racist which she isn’t, and my wife couldn’t provide me with any details on why she thinks that. I’m white and my wife is Asian. Yesterday I was supposed to visit my mom and little brothers but the whole week my wife was being weird about it. I told her she can come and she just makes a weird face and says “No”! like I’m asking her to eat sh*t. She will also say numerous times how I should just stay there for a whole week. Later she will say why do you have to see your mom. I told her well I have not seen her since Christmas, and I went to spend time with my mom and my brothers and we plan on playing a board game which she just responds ugh how old are you. She later called me a mommas boy which I am not. I barely see/talk to my mom. My parents are divorced and for whatever reason my wife finds it extremely weird that I want to see my mom. She says I need to spend time with my dad more which I already do. My mom even sends me wife birthday cards with a gift card in it and Christmas presents. My mom’s side of the family lives in Iowa which I have not seen since 2016 due to my wife. It would be nice to see my grandparents alive one more time instead of in a casket. My wife even made a comment like when we have kids you better not be visiting your mom like this. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. Everytime I want to visit my mom or her side of the family my wife makes me feel like crap about it and how I should have no contact with my mom. It’s extremely frustrating. We are both 33 years old and this got worse once we got married.


You don’t need her permission to visit your mom. Go visit her. If she doesn’t want to come with you OK, but she can’t stop you!!!


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

This doesn’t make much sense. I feel like something must have happened to make your wife feel the way she does. Or maybe she is just so controlling of you that she wants to be the only woman in your life. Either way things need to change. Family is important and you should absolutely be able to visit yours without having to deal with her attitude about it. I would not tolerate that kind of behavior. I hope you get to the bottom of it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She has such a controlling mother that she probably just sees parents as a liability although I'm confused why she likes your dad but not your mom. I guess this wouldn't be a problem if you didn't have kids with her because you would just go see your mom and leave her home. 

I'm afraid your wife is a little bit controlling just like her mother is. And she may get worse instead of better. she may not let you have anything to do with raising the kids your way and may become the mother she hates to them. Honestly I would think twice about staying and having kids with her. You have to understand that she had bad controlling parents and that those are her only role models for how to be a parent so the chances her for being a good parent are pretty much nil.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Your wife is being a ***** to your family and you're putting up with it. Stop, now. I've seen a number of women try to isolate their husbands, what I've never seen is a husband who said years later "Boy, putting up with that sure worked out great."

Tell W you will always have a relationship w/ your family and if she objects to that she needs to get help. If she criticizes you playing board games or other ways you spend time w/ them, point out it is harmless good fun and it is petty to criticize it.

She's bet you're afraid to lose the marriage, and that you'll let her come btw you and your family. The best outcome is she straightens out when she sees you aren't afraid of her. The next best is she goes back to hell where she belongs. The worst outcome is you abandon your loving family for someone who is only getting started at running your life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's got to be more to this. I find it very telling that she appears to have no issue with you spending time with your Dad, but not your Mum. Do you go out with your friends? Work colleagues? How does she react to that? Is her issue only with your Mum? If so, why? Also, just because you don't see your Mum being racist, doesn't mean she isn't (I'm not saying she is, just suggesting that you don't be too quick to dismiss your wife).


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## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

Mel1234 said:


> This doesn’t make much sense. I feel like something must have happened to make your wife feel the way she does. Or maybe she is just so controlling of you that she wants to be the only woman in your life. Either way things need to change. Family is important and you should absolutely be able to visit yours without having to deal with her attitude about it. I would not tolerate that kind of behavior. I hope you get to the bottom of it.


There is nothing more to it. She always finds the negatives or bad things about my mom. One example would be we went out and it was snowing so she took a picture and posted it on facebook. All my mom said was "Those snowflakes are huge" my wife got so pissed she did not talk to me for 3 hours and that same week she threaten divorced all because of that comment. We went to marriage counseling and I brought up this issue and the therapist just went out about how a marriage is between my wife and me only, NOT mom so I was unable to talk about it again and my wife just focused on that part so she would use what he said against me.


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## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> *@luke8787*
> 
> Do you have any friends? If so how does your wife react to you spending time with them?


She acts weird sometimes when we see them. My friends are some of the nicest people I know. Every time we visit my friends she complains about the drive which is around 40 minutes but she will also complain about my friends house and how its such a cookie cutter and blah blah blah and how she hates it because all the other houses in the area are the same. One of our biggest fights happened when we were going to see my friends. She started a fight of something small in the morning and left the house so I made the decision to see my friends instead of resolving the issue cause I was getting tired of it and that made the situation alot worse. its hit or miss sometimes with my friends


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Well you chose a crap marriage therapist. Sometimes it takes more than one try to get a good fit. Listen, your wife is a shrew and a bully. It's unfortunate you have let her rule your life with an iron fist.

Sit her down and tell her (do not ask!l) that you will visit your mother any time you want and she is welcome to go with you. If she won't, you will still go. And you will hear not an nth of disrespect about it. Do NOT cave. She already has you by the short hairs. It's time to grow a pair and show her you will not be told what to do anymore.

Your wife's behavior would be a dealbreaker for me. Think of all the good memories you could've made with your mom and siblings but missed out on because you've caved to your wife's demands on this issue. It's sad, really.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She has no interest in changing. That leaves you with a decision to make.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Pay attention to her mom's behavior because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Do you want to grow old with someone like that?

Your wife is very controlling. She should be ok with you going out with friends and visiting family. That's what having a family is for! 

Getting upset because of a Facebook comment and giving you the silent treatment is a very immature and controlling behavior. 

Do not have children with her until you fix this. She has some insecurity and control issues.

You have understand that it's ok for you to visit friends and family without her permission. 

You are a grown man. You shouldn't allow her to treat you like a child. Decided what to do, tell her what you are doing, and go for it. If she doesn't agree with your decision, that's her problem not yours. And stop being afraid of her!!

You need to become assertive and tell her to stop the BS now! She's walking all over you!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds like the therapist thinks you have been involving your mother in your relationship and confiding things in her, etc. But even if so, the problem is she had a bad role model. Do not have children with this woman.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Not sure how voting for Trump makes a person racist. None of the W business who you mom voted for anyway. Sounds to me like a cop out on your W part. Also, it would be nice if you W played nice with your mom but I don't see that happening. So, visit by yourself. At this juncture(you are married) you are to cut the apron strings to mom anyway. But visiting, emailing or calling is not off the table. Leave your W at home. Visit your mom.


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## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

Thanks for everyones input..I thought I was the crazy one. I'm seeing my dad this Friday for dinner and of course my wife doesn't want to come. She kinda acts this way towards my dad but its not as bad. She is more willing to go visit my dad but pretty much everytime we do she has to point out a couple of things that my dad said that she didn't like. I think it stems from jealously. We have been around each other since 2012 and she didn't start acting this way till we got married. My wifes mom is pretty crazy to. She is a compulsive liar and says things like how her sons wife cheated and they are getting a divorce and she also said her other daughter husband pistol whipped her which again wasn't true. My wife also told me how her sister is mean to her in-laws and in my head I'm just thinking sounds familiar. I guess I have a pretty big decision to make. All of this I didn't know till after we got married.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Some posters are trying to figure out why she's like this. Here's what I think you need to know- some people are crazy, and trying to figure them out is a waste of time. If she wants to figure it out and/or change, that is different but there aren't any signs of that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> *@luke8787*
> Do you have any friends? If so how does your wife react to you spending time with them?





luke8787 said:


> She acts weird sometimes when we see them. My friends are some of the nicest people I know. Every time we visit my friends she complains about the drive which is around 40 minutes but she will also complain about my friends house and how its such a cookie cutter and blah blah blah and how she hates it because all the other houses in the area are the same. One of our biggest fights happened when we were going to see my friends. She started a fight of something small in the morning and left the house so I made the decision to see my friends instead of resolving the issue cause I was getting tired of it and that made the situation alot worse. its hit or miss sometimes with my friends


This information is important. Your wife is trying to get you to drop all of your relationships with friends and family. It sounds like she might be sort of accepting of your father. But she has already accomplished to harm your relationships with your grand parents, your mother, your brothers, and your friends. Once she gets you to stop having any contact with them, she will probably go after your relationship with your father.

This is what abusive people do. They work to isolate their victim from friends and family. Once that is accomplished the abuser will increase their abuse to gain further control over their victim. Your wife sounds like a classic abuser. This is only going to get worse.

Has your wife ever done any of the following when she's angry: thrown/broken things, banged on walls, furniture, etc., or attacked you physically (hit, pushed, twisted your arm, put her hands around your neck, etc)? What are the most aggressive things she has done?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luke8787 said:


> Thanks for everyones input..I thought I was the crazy one. I'm seeing my dad this Friday for dinner and of course my wife doesn't want to come. She kinda acts this way towards my dad but its not as bad. She is more willing to go visit my dad but pretty much everytime we do she has to point out a couple of things that my dad said that she didn't like. I think it stems from jealously. We have been around each other since 2012 and she didn't start acting this way till we got married. My wifes mom is pretty crazy to. She is a compulsive liar and says things like how her sons wife cheated and they are getting a divorce and she also said her other daughter husband pistol whipped her which again wasn't true. My wife also told me how her sister is mean to her in-laws and in my head I'm just thinking sounds familiar. I guess I have a pretty big decision to make. All of this I didn't know till after we got married.


It is very common for abusers to not show their abusive behaviors until after they are married. Once married they seem to feel secure enough to start beating down their spouse to gain control. I've had this happen to me as well.


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

luke8787 said:


> There is nothing more to it. She always finds the negatives or bad things about my mom. One example would be we went out and it was snowing so she took a picture and posted it on facebook. All my mom said was "Those snowflakes are huge" my wife got so pissed she did not talk to me for 3 hours and that same week she threaten divorced all because of that comment. We went to marriage counseling and I brought up this issue and the therapist just went out about how a marriage is between my wife and me only, NOT mom so I was unable to talk about it again and my wife just focused on that part so she would use what he said against me.


Wow that sounds crazy!! I wonder why that would make her so angry. Does your wife have mental issues? And I’m not saying that to be mean, but does she need/take medication? I just can’t imagine someone getting so angry for things that shouldn’t cause that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

While you’re deciding what to do, just see your parents without her. In-laws shouldn’t be included unless they really want to be.


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## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> This information is important. Your wife is trying to get you to drop all of your relationships with friends and family. It sounds like she might be sort of accepting of your father. But she has already accomplished to harm your relationships with your grand parents, your mother, your brothers, and your friends. Once she gets you to stop having any contact with them, she will probably go after your relationship with your father.
> 
> This is what abusive people do. They work to isolate their victim from friends and family. Once that is accomplished the abuser will increase their abuse to gain further control over their victim. Your wife sounds like a classic abuser. This is only going to get worse.
> 
> Has your wife ever done any of the following when she's angry: thrown/broken things, banged on walls, furniture, etc., or attacked you physically (hit, pushed, twisted your arm, put her hands around your neck, etc)? What are the most aggressive things she has done?


Wow...She has thrown things and hit walls and also hitting herself in the head. I had to restrain her a few times and tell her to get a hold of herself. The worst was probably when I went and saw my friends without her and she parked her car in front of our driveway so I had to park in the street. she tried to barricade the front door with chairs and when I finally did get in she was passed out drunk on the floor and dog food was all over our kitchen floor and all our pictures were taken down and our bedroom was a mess. She threw up on our bed. Theres other days we she is happy and we are having fun but than she would explode. Sometimes when she washes the bed sheets she will see the small stain where she threw up on the mattress and ask me what is that...I just get dumbfounded and I just tell her remember you throw up during that one time. She often tries to validate her behavior with my response saying how I avoided her even though when I try to talk to her about the issue she gives me the silent treatment or makes me feel guilty about it. I don't get it how most days she can be fine and happy but than she will just explode like that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to get out of this. She is abusive and she is going to abuse any children you have. She's messed up and I don't think anything is going to fix her at this late date. Certainly not talking to a marriage counselor. She had abuse in her childhood and she is going to pass that along. That's the only way she knows to be. 

You need to divorce her before something happens and you have kids. because then you'll be tied to her the rest of your life whether you want to be or not and you will have to stand by and watch her abuse the kids. She's not going to be a fit parent and she is not a fit wife.

If you want to talk to someone further about this, I suggest calling a victims or domestic abuse hotline. they have seen the same patterns over and over again as Ele describes above. They can help you take steps to end and get out in the correct order without getting trapped or missing something up.


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## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to get out of this. She is abusive and she is going to abuse any children you have. She's messed up and I don't think anything is going to fix her at this late date. Certainly not talking to a marriage counselor. She had abuse in her childhood and she is going to pass that along. That's the only way she knows to be.
> 
> You need to divorce her before something happens and you have kids. because then you'll be tied to her the rest of your life whether you want to be or not and you will have to stand by and watch her abuse the kids. She's not going to be a fit parent and she is not a fit wife.
> 
> If you want to talk to someone further about this, I suggest calling a victims or domestic abuse hotline. they have seen the same patterns over and over again as Ele describes above. They can help you take steps to end and get out in the correct order without getting trapped or missing something up.


Ok, thanks..I'll give them a call. Divorce crosses my mind whenever she acts like this. It's just been so hard like I feel trapped. I get afraid of what will happen if I do file for divorce. I feel like sometimes things get better but than she explodes...Maybe I'm too hopeful but yea thanks for everyones support. This has been extremely hard for me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Her problems run too deep because they are from childhood, so they're not going to get better. She's going to end up being like her own mother at least in some ways and by her own admission she had terrible parents. You know a person has to have a role model to know how to raise kids and if their parents were bad, the chances are that they did not have a good enough role model to even learn how to be a decent parent. She's already abusive and controlling which is the same thing as abusive because it's always a facet of it. You will be trapped if she gets pregnant.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What are you afraid will happen if you file?


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## luke8787 (Jul 19, 2020)

Openminded said:


> What are you afraid will happen if you file?


Her reaction...Her freaking out and throwing things or hitting herself or even worse. seroius issues like this is extremely difficult to bring it up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luke8787 said:


> Wow...She has thrown things and hit walls and also hitting herself in the head. I had to restrain her a few times and tell her to get a hold of herself. The worst was probably when I went and saw my friends without her and she parked her car in front of our driveway so I had to park in the street. she tried to barricade the front door with chairs and when I finally did get in she was passed out drunk on the floor and dog food was all over our kitchen floor and all our pictures were taken down and our bedroom was a mess. She threw up on our bed. Theres other days we she is happy and we are having fun but than she would explode. Sometimes when she washes the bed sheets she will see the small stain where she threw up on the mattress and ask me what is that...I just get dumbfounded and I just tell her remember you throw up during that one time. She often tries to validate her behavior with my response saying how I avoided her even though when I try to talk to her about the issue she gives me the silent treatment or makes me feel guilty about it. I don't get it how most days she can be fine and happy but than she will just explode like that.


What you describe here is domestic violence. You have not said that she has hit you. But doing things like throwing things, hitting walls, etc. are a threat of violence. The message is this time it's the wall, next time it just might be you.

The incident you describe about the way she behaved when you went to see your friends is horrible. You said, *"I had to restrain her a few times and tell her to get a hold of herself."* That is a very foolish thing for you to do. I know a guy who did that. In his attempt to get his wife to stop beating on him with an object, he accidently put a bruise on her. She called the police. He was prosecuted for domestic violence and spent a couple of hears in prison. She told people what really happened. But she told the cops and the courts a lie because he chose to divorce her after that incident. so she wanted revenge. Do not ever touch her when things are crazy. Just get away and stay way. Either leave the house or lock yourself in a room. If you are locked in room and she starts beating on the door or trying to open it call 911 and stay on the phone so they can her going crazy on you.

Better yet, leave now and file for divorce. Sadly she is badly damaged by her parents. It would take years of anger management and individual counseling for her to fix herself. Only she can do that.

Have you told your marriage counselor about all this? If so, what did the counselor say?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luke8787 said:


> Ok, thanks..I'll give them a call.


Here's the contact info... 








National Domestic Violence Hotline


24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of domestic violence so they can live their lives free of abuse.




www.thehotline.org





Here is a link to their Safety Plan page. This covers all sorts of things, for example safety for your dog.








Create a Safety Plan


Create a safety plan using our interactive safety planning tool, which asks a series of questions to help survivors identify their options.




www.thehotline.org







luke8787 said:


> Divorce crosses my mind whenever she acts like this. It's just been so hard like I feel trapped. I get afraid of what will happen if I do file for divorce. I feel like sometimes things get better but than she explodes...


What your describe is called the "Cycle of Abuse" or "Cycle of Violence". Here's the basic chart that shows how it works. If she was was abuse of you 24/7 you would have left a long time ago. So her actions follow a cycle that where things are good for a bit and start to think that things will be ok. Once she senses that she's won you back.. bam! she blows up again. You can search the internet to find a lot of material on this topic.


















The Cycle of Abuse - Green Haven 4 Help


The Cycle of Abuse The “Honeymoon” Phase: How the relationship begins – Phase One This is the person you fall in love with, and, like…




greenhaven4help.com







luke8787 said:


> Maybe I'm too hopeful but yea thanks for everyones support. This has been extremely hard for me.


Many of us here have lived through this. I was married to a guy who acted similar to the way your wife does. I finally left him the day he was planning to kill me. I was able to get away and never looked back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luke8787 said:


> Her reaction...Her freaking out and throwing things or hitting herself or even worse. seroius issues like this is extremely difficult to bring it up.


Because of the way your wife acts out, you need a plan. 

For example...

See a lawyer and have them draw up divorce papers.

Either move to some other place .. get an apartment for to stay with a family member or friend. Don't tell her you are doing this until you have moved out. If she's at work, you can move some or all of your stuff out of your house. when I did this I did it while he was at work. I rented a uhaul and hired some help and got everything that was mine moved into a storage bin. 

Don't tell her were you are staying. This is for your safety.

Have the lawyer serve her the divorce papers. They will contain a restraining order as that's standard practice now in most jurisdictions.

From that point forward, you do not communicate directly with her. Her attorney talks to your attorney.

If you need to get your stuff out of the house, ask the police to go with you. They will tell her to leave the house and stand guard while you get your things.

When a person is as abusive as she is, you have to protect yourself. The only way to do this is to cut off all contact with her. If she call you, do not answer. If she texts you, don't reply. Block her number. If she emails you , do not reply. If she shows up at your work, call security or the police.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

luke8787 said:


> Ok, thanks..I'll give them a call. Divorce crosses my mind whenever she acts like this. It's just been so hard like I feel trapped. I get afraid of what will happen if I do file for divorce. I feel like sometimes things get better but than she explodes...Maybe I'm too hopeful but yea thanks for everyones support. This has been extremely hard for me.


Listen to these voices that are crossing your mind. They serve you well. Her treatment of your family and friends is not healthy. Ultimately, you will grow to resent her treatment and her attempts to isolate you from others in your life. For years, I shortchanged the time I spent with my brother to pacify my wife. Thoughts I would make up the time later when life would be less hectic and wife would be more accomodating. Well, that time never came. Brother died 10 years ago at age 56. Not spending more time with him was my fault because I made the choice, but I wish I had made different choices.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Wow you know this is really really bad, right? Like others have said, you are being abused. You are experiencing domestic violence. Follow Ele's advice and GTFO! Your helping her is way beyond your pay grade. You can't--you aren't qualified and don't have the proper training to help her. She's got some very serious issues. And it won't get better on its own.

Please be careful and please don't romanticize your relationship to yourself. Surely the good can't outweigh the bad? Do not tell her anything should you decide to get out (and I hope you do). If what you've told us is just an nth of what happens in the privacy of your home, you have no business being married to this woman. She is severely mentally unstable.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> This information is important. Your wife is trying to get you to drop all of your relationships with friends and family. It sounds like she might be sort of accepting of your father. But she has already accomplished to harm your relationships with your grand parents, your mother, your brothers, and your friends. Once she gets you to stop having any contact with them, she will probably go after your relationship with your father.
> 
> This is what abusive people do. They work to isolate their victim from friends and family. Once that is accomplished the abuser will increase their abuse to gain further control over their victim. Your wife sounds like a classic abuser. This is only going to get worse.
> 
> Has your wife ever done any of the following when she's angry: thrown/broken things, banged on walls, furniture, etc., or attacked you physically (hit, pushed, twisted your arm, put her hands around your neck, etc)? What are the most aggressive things she has done?


I think you hit the nail on the head here, pretty quickly. It's not about his mom, and never was. When things like this come up in threads, it's always a huge red flag. I went through similar things (and wrote about them here) in my marriage.

Posters that haven't dealt with an abusive or behaviorally disordered person don't understand such things, and instead focus on the ones victimized... "_Yeah, but what did YOU do to provoke this?_" or "_What did your mom do?_" which ignores the fact that a "normal" or mentally healthy person doesn't force their spouse to choose between their family and friends and the spouse. Or threaten or commit violent acts, or damage property, or threaten to self harm.



luke8787 said:


> Thanks for everyones input..I thought I was the crazy one. I'm seeing my dad this Friday for dinner and of course my wife doesn't want to come. She kinda acts this way towards my dad but its not as bad. She is more willing to go visit my dad but pretty much everytime we do she has to point out a couple of things that my dad said that she didn't like. I think it stems from jealously. We have been around each other since 2012 and she didn't start acting this way till we got married. My wifes mom is pretty crazy to. She is a compulsive liar and says things like how her sons wife cheated and they are getting a divorce and she also said her other daughter husband pistol whipped her which again wasn't true. My wife also told me how her sister is mean to her in-laws and in my head I'm just thinking sounds familiar. I guess I have a pretty big decision to make. All of this I didn't know till after we got married.


If you decide to leave, start taking steps, privately, to protect yourself. 

This might be easier said than done, given the COVID-19 pandemic, with everyone in close proximity to eachother. You need to be creative and think 2 or 3 steps ahead. 

Steps I had to take that may or may not be helpful for you: 

get a personal storage unit to quietly move some of my things out of the house (my XW hated my family, and on occasion I caught her throwing away some of my family heirlooms and other memorabilia, and suspected her of doing more)
get a bank account and squirrel away enough money to get a hotel and get out of the house for a week if necessary. You will disclose this if it comes to a divorce proceeding; you're not hiding assets, just taking a precaution to protect yourself.
get a voice activated recorder (VAR). hide it in your pocket or somewhere if you suspect the conversation is going to go sideways. You can also set your phone to record, and have the recordings sent automatically to the cloud. The recordings may not be admissable in court, but could be helpful if she claims you hit her or something like that (fortunately, this didn't happen in my case)
get a recommendation for a good lawyer and go see him or her for an hour consultation on what you can expect in terms of dividing assets, costs of the divorce, and any alimony you might have to pay.

Remember: have any mail or correspondence from the above storage or bank must be sent to a different address.

Have a fallback place to go, if/when she goes "nuclear" as you prepare to extract yourself from the situation. 

DO NOT have kids with her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

luke8787 said:


> Wow...She has thrown things and hit walls and also hitting herself in the head. I had to restrain her a few times and tell her to get a hold of herself. The worst was probably when I went and saw my friends without her and she parked her car in front of our driveway so I had to park in the street. she tried to barricade the front door with chairs and when I finally did get in she was passed out drunk on the floor and dog food was all over our kitchen floor and all our pictures were taken down and our bedroom was a mess. She threw up on our bed. Theres other days we she is happy and we are having fun but than she would explode. Sometimes when she washes the bed sheets she will see the small stain where she threw up on the mattress and ask me what is that...I just get dumbfounded and I just tell her remember you throw up during that one time. She often tries to validate her behavior with my response saying how I avoided her even though when I try to talk to her about the issue she gives me the silent treatment or makes me feel guilty about it. I don't get it how most days she can be fine and happy but than she will just explode like that.


Oh my God! Nope, she's...wow...next level crazy. You are in a DV marriage (domestic violence). DIVORCE. Asap.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

If you were my son, I'd hope you would leave her. I normally don't give advice like this, but you aren't trapped, you can leave, and it sounds like you are going to face a life of hell with her. She hates your family? She is turning you against your mom? She hurts herself? If the genders were reversed, people would call him an abusive husband. I wouldn't have kids with her until this was resolved one way or the other, because children deserve better than to be raised in a home where the parents have major issues already.

By the way, your mom doesn't owe your wife an explanation for who she votes for. Your wife unfortunately controls you, she doesn't get to control other people too. Dude, there are 4 billion females in the world. (and for women, there are 4 billion males). None of us have to settle. This woman is going to lie one day and said you hit her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@luke8787 "When we have kids?" Please do not have children with her. She will screw them up so much they could model for pretzels.

Your wife is mentally ill and needs to be looked after by trained professionals. Not by you.

Your wife is a control freak (at the very least) and is separating you from your family. Don't let her do this. I don't normally suggest this but in your case I suggest divorce while you still can.

Run!


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## GirlBetrayed (Oct 9, 2018)

luke8787 said:


> It's pretty bad. She has told me she was verbally abused by her mom and physically abused by her dad. Her mom is extremely controlling and lived at our house for a little bit. We went for a jog one time and her mom just told us not to do it and its unhealthy. Everytime we go somewhere he mom says we are always on the go and spending money. She has not spoken to her mom over a year. My wife literally exploded at her last time they spoke because she was tired of how controlling her mom is. Her mom only contacts us when her mom wants something like money or other things.


Ironic, because your wife sounds pretty controlling herself. You should see your mom as often as you like. Tell your wife you’re going to see her, tell her how long you’ll be there and when you’ll be home. And that’s that. That is your mother and your wife has no right to tell you you can’t see her. She doesn’t have to have a relationship with the woman but she can’t prevent you from having one. It’s extremely unhealthy. I think that you need to dig deeper and find out why she is so resentful. It could be flat up jealousy or it could be that your mom did something shady and your wife doesn’t want to out her but she’s harboring resentment.


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