# Sad...again.



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I've been trying to come to terms with the end of my marriage, and all the responsibilities of raising a daughter on my own at home. She sees her father regularly (overnight visits on the weekend). We are cordial.

Sometimes I think to myself that maybe I don't understand the true impact of a divorce on my life and my daughter's life. What if I look back on it in the future and regret it? Or worse, get in to a new relationship (very cautiously etc.) and still end up having worse problems than what I have now with my soon to be ex-husband?

I haven't asked him to get back together, nor will I. We've become strangers to each other and I know it will never be the way it once was, too much is broken and there's not enough will to fix it. I still love him, although it's turning into a very disappointed love - more "caring" about his overall well-being and wishing him a great life. I struggle with guilt sometimes, because I know he is hurting. Yesterday he texted me and said he still has hope. I told him I refuse to be in a yo-yo relationship with someone who doesn't stand up for me. Aside from that one text, he has not mentioned anything in the past month and half about wanting to be together with me.

He has used this time to pursue interests and hobbies he would not have time for if we were together, which I am glad about. He's pursuing his dreams. I'm trying to keep my spirits up.

My daughter is 3, and sometimes she cries and asks for Mommy-Daddy. Not Mommy, not Daddy, but Mommy-Daddy (meaning both of us together). I hug her and tell her we both love her very much and that she'll spend time with Daddy the next day. But the fact that it's sometimes hard on her makes me really upset. I'm also afraid that as she grows up, she might want to be with her dad more than me...I don't know if that's a rational fear or not, but it's a fear nonetheless.

It's difficult, I don't know if I will be able to look back on this one day and tell myself it was the right decision to make. Just wanted to write out my thoughts and fears here, as so many others have been where I am.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Orange,

I am sending you big electronic hugs. You are right to turn down your ex. He'll never put you first, above his family.

You know so much more now than you did before. You can stand up for yourself; you can support yourself and your daughter; you know you can survive on your own. You can make it. If you do find someone worse than your stb-ex, you have the knowledge and power to walk away. I think your guy-picker will be better though and it's unlikely you'll hook yourself up with worse. You've been building yourself up, not tumbling down.

You're giving yourself a chance to have a much happier future. Where do you want to be, this time next year? Any great plans for next month? This is a hard time of the year for many, and I think your fears are normal. Self-care is really important. What nice things are you doing for yourself? Anything good?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> Hi Orange,
> 
> I am sending you big electronic hugs. You are right to turn down your ex. He'll never put you first, above his family.
> 
> ...


Hi Rose, thank you as always for your support and I send hugs right back at you. *hugs*

For about a month after our most recent split, I let a lot of things go at home (didn't tidy up as much, didn't cook at home as much) because I realized I needed to give myself a break and lessen the pressure. I'm feeling well enough to do those things regularly now. A big goal is to get fit, not as a New Year's goal but as a general goal I've had the last 6 months. I have been listening to motivational lectures about how to be a leader in my own life and I've realized determination is what makes people successful. So I bought a new winter jacket, an Canadian Olympic headband (haha) and I walk in the evening now! Doesn't sound like much, but I'm going from 0 physical activity to walking 20 minutes at lunch and 20 minutes in the evening. I've also watched my portions. Buying new clothes, exercising every day, putting more effort in to how I look (makeup/hair etc.) might sound superficial but it's helping me take better care of myself. 

I bought a new diamond ring for my right hand, because I missed wearing a ring. I got a great raise at work.

I'm trying to avoid negative self-talk as much as possible. I don't let myself say or think bad things about myself. I doubt my decisions sometimes (hence this thread) but I don't think things like, "I'm such a loser, and a bad mom, and a horrible wife"...which the old me from 4 years ago would have done.

Thanks for helping me focus on good things I'm doing for myself.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Woooo! You are rocking! You are taking care of yourself and giving yourself treats! Awesome! I hope that self-talk includes praise for the excellent things you're doing, like getting raises, getting fit, getting gorgeous, getting a lovely ring! Taking care of your amazing daughter! It's normal to wobble a bit, and wise to double-check when making decisions. Overall, you got this. And I love your hugs back!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> Woooo! You are rocking! You are taking care of yourself and giving yourself treats! Awesome! I hope that self-talk includes praise for the excellent things you're doing, like getting raises, getting fit, getting gorgeous, getting a lovely ring! Taking care of your amazing daughter! It's normal to wobble a bit, and wise to double-check when making decisions. Overall, you got this. And I love your hugs back!


You're such a sweetheart! Thank you for making me smile!!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's very likely he will continue to periodically tell you he has hope because he expects that eventually you will give in. If he were willing to change, it would be different but he isn't. 

When you feel weak, remember that the only thing worse than reconciling with him and failing the last time is repeating all of that again because of how it affects your daughter (not to mention you). 

When are you filing?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi Orange.

So many adjustments for you and your DD. With a child that age, any change is hard and scary, but with your love and support and with the love I know her father has for her I truly think she will be ok. With all the problems you and your H have had, you never dragged her into the middle of things. Good job.

And you, exercising, a big raise! You go girl!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hi Orange_Pekoe, 
it's sad because you just wanted him to choose you first and not let his family treat you bad.. We should all want this from our partner and for the life of me I cannot understand why he didn't see it. At least that's what I think I remember from your past threads.

You seem like a kind person. Instead of wanting him to hurt and suffer you hope for him to be happy. Even though I'm sure you get angry sometimes.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> Hi Orange_Pekoe,
> it's sad because you just wanted him to choose you first and not let his family treat you bad.. We should all want this from our partner and for the life of me I cannot understand why he didn't see it. At least that's what I think I remember from your past threads.
> 
> You seem like a kind person. Instead of wanting him to hurt and suffer you hope for him to be happy. Even though I'm sure you get angry sometimes.


I get so angry sometimes that it's crippling, debilitating (emotionally). But honestly I have gotten so much stronger through this whole experience, the mere fact that I'm aware of my negative thoughts now and consciously put effort in to not believing every negative thought, is itself an accomplishment. I don't get angry at him as much as I do at his siblings. There is so much pain in my memories of them. I have nightmares about his siblings, not about him. Although I'm starting to realize that the anger is probably misplaced...however they treated me, it was my husband's job to draw a line and stand up for me. Which he never did. Ultimately, sure he's a nice guy, but not a good husband. 

I am not able to respect him as a leader or life partner, because he has not been those things. And it is important to a marriage that spouses both respect each other and that at least one of them is able to lead both to a more prosperous, peaceful life. We had and have love, yes - but no respect and trust as a married unit anymore. That's why I know it's over.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Hi Orange.
> 
> So many adjustments for you and your DD. With a child that age, any change is hard and scary, but with your love and support and with the love I know her father has for her I truly think she will be ok. With all the problems you and your H have had, you never dragged her into the middle of things. Good job.
> 
> And you, exercising, a big raise! You go girl!


Hi Pluto, thank you for your vote of confidence! I should think more about what we've been able to do right, even through this split. I worry a lot about how all this is affecting my daughter...for example, going from preschool to a quick dinner with her dad, back home to me. Or going from my mom's house to her dad's house for a night, then back to me. I know she needs stability and I'm not sure if this is too much "excitement" for a toddler? But you're right...maybe I just need to take a deep breath, step back and stop being so afraid. I think paranoid thoughts like, "What if her dad gets into a car accident with her in the car and they both get hurt?" It's all stemming from fear...I just have to relax don't I.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> It's very likely he will continue to periodically tell you he has hope because he expects that eventually you will give in. If he were willing to change, it would be different but he isn't.
> 
> When you feel weak, remember that the only thing worse than reconciling with him and failing the last time is repeating all of that again because of how it affects your daughter (not to mention you).
> 
> When are you filing?


That's the million dollar question. I haven't filed yet, not because I have hope for our marriage, but because the idea overwhelms me. I have so much on my plate, that going to a lawyer and getting paperwork and arrangements in order seems too much to handle right now.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange... You should be so proud of yourself! You have made tremendous strides in healing. And congrats on your raise!

It's completely normal to look back with some doubts and regrets. But you are framing them in a very healthy way now -- rather than taking him back yet again for that emotionally sickening roller coaster ride, your rational brain is kicking in and reminding you that this relationship simply can't work with his current state of mind and who he is at his core.

So hang on to the pleasant memories you have of your life with him (this will help you let go of the anger), honor the relationship you had, and keep moving forward.

You're doing great .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange... You should be so proud of yourself! You have made tremendous strides in healing. And congrats on your raise!
> 
> It's completely normal to look back with some doubts and regrets. But you are framing them in a very healthy way now -- rather than taking him back yet again for that emotionally sickening roller coaster ride, your rational brain is kicking in and reminding you that this relationship simply can't work with his current state of mind and who he is at his core.
> 
> ...


It's all part of the grieving process, isn't it? To think on the happy times and honour that relationship. After all, from that relationship came our daughter, the shining star of my life.

I think it speaks volumes, that I desperately needed and wanted counselling when we were living together a few months ago (and so I attended on my own), but now that we have split, I no longer feel the need to go to counselling. That's how hard our marriage had become.

Thank you, I'm also proud of my accomplishments at work and the raise! A very welcome surprise! The sadness aside, when I think about my life in general, I am very grateful (for my health, my job, my child, my parents and siblings being healthy and well, as well as the fact that my ex-husband and I have a chance to end this on good terms etc.).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> That's the million dollar question. I haven't filed yet, not because I have hope for our marriage, but because the idea overwhelms me. I have so much on my plate, that going to a lawyer and getting paperwork and arrangements in order seems too much to handle right now.


Break it down into small steps so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Make a short list of lawyers you'd like to interview. Or ask friends for recommendations. Sit with that step until you're comfortable with it and then the next step would be to make appointment(s) to discuss your situation. But doing nothing can frustrate you with lack of progress and give him hope you'll take him back. You don't want that.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Break it down into small steps so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Make a short list of lawyers you'd like to interview. Or ask friends for recommendations. Sit with that step until you're comfortable with it and then the next step would be to make appointment(s) to discuss your situation. But doing nothing can frustrate you with lack of progress and give him hope you'll take him back. You don't want that.


That's true. Your advice is helping me, it's strange that I couldn't think of this myself, but I guess when you're in the situation and feeling all the pressure and stress, it's easy to feel lost.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's absolutely easy to feel lost. And overwhelmed. I remember feeling that I was drowning with all I had to do. The good news is it does go away with time. But for awhile I wanted to just go to sleep and wake up in six months when I was back on track. Didn't work, of course, but I did eventually get there.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Hey there, 

Divorce is always so hard emotionally. If you can't see a future with him, or you don't think it can be fixed, then maybe it's best to stay divorced. If you have a glimmer of hope like he does, then maybe counseling would work. I know you are sad for your daughter, but speaking from personal experience, it will get better. My parents stayed together for the sake of us kids and eventually we could tell that there was an awkward tension in the home and that things were not the same. We ended up becoming unhappy as a result as well. When my parents split up, it was really hard to deal with but overall things did get better and we enjoyed seeing both of our parents, even when they weren't in the home together, because they were happy.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

DanielleBennett said:


> Hey there,
> 
> Divorce is always so hard emotionally. If you can't see a future with him, or you don't think it can be fixed, then maybe it's best to stay divorced. If you have a glimmer of hope like he does, then maybe counseling would work. I know you are sad for your daughter, but speaking from personal experience, it will get better. My parents stayed together for the sake of us kids and eventually we could tell that there was an awkward tension in the home and that things were not the same. We ended up becoming unhappy as a result as well. When my parents split up, it was really hard to deal with but overall things did get better and we enjoyed seeing both of our parents, even when they weren't in the home together, because they were happy.


I tried everything before I left him the first time. When I left, it was because I was at my wits end. Everything after that was just a desperate attempt to save a marriage that had already failed terribly. At least we have both grown, and learned from this experience.

I think my daughter will be fine with time, but I will always feel sad that I couldn't give her the happy family she deserved. She's been through so much. The only positive is that she's so young, she likely won't remember the confusion etc. of this stage of her life. I definitely would not stay together in a bad marriage just for her sake...she'd grow up to wish we weren't married and resent the constant arguing!

The strange part is, I still feel we are a family (her, me and her dad). Family isn't about papers, it's about who we want in our lives and who we care about. She will always bond us into a family, even if it is a dysfunctional one.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I tried everything before I left him the first time. When I left, it was because I was at my wits end. Everything after that was just a desperate attempt to save a marriage that had already failed terribly. At least we have both grown, and learned from this experience.
> 
> I think my daughter will be fine with time, but I will always feel sad that I couldn't give her the happy family she deserved. She's been through so much. The only positive is that she's so young, she likely won't remember the confusion etc. of this stage of her life. I definitely would not stay together in a bad marriage just for her sake...she'd grow up to wish we weren't married and resent the constant arguing!
> 
> The strange part is, I still feel we are a family (her, me and her dad). Family isn't about papers, it's about who we want in our lives and who we care about. She will always bond us into a family, even if it is a dysfunctional one.


It's not strange at all to still feel like a family. You can co-parent and be civil for your daughter to be happy. Overall, all three of you could be happier too.


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