# Just tell the kids



## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

There are constant threads on this forum about the kids, as in, don't tell them, lie to them, tell them a little, etc. etc.
I wonder how any child today will EVER cope with the real world after being 'protected' all their lives. And kids are now defined as up into their twenties…

I can't help but wonder how mankind survived before the constant protecting, helecoptering, fawning etc. modern parents do to their kids. 
I can't imagine anything worse for character development than 'protecting' your children from reality.
I meet kids today that know all about porn, but are hazy on the reality of Santa.

Tell the kids the freaking truth.
We learned it when I was 5, my sister was 7. Dad explained it completely.
Took his time, answered questions honestly.
I didn't get my mother's side of the story for 20 more years. 
They pretty much matched, with my mother kind of slanting it in her favor, but not enough to distort the description.
Her third affair got serious and she wanted to marry him.

My knowledge of how marriage worked, and sometimes didn't work, probably contributed to the well over 40 years my wife and I have been married.
My wife was never told anything adult in her 18 years at home. They sheltered her, protected her, and in general screwed her up.

Totally not prepared for anything the world threw at her.
I had to be the adult from day one.
Now, as a senior citizen, she's starting to understand people, life etc.

Don't do that to your kids.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Complete agreement. 

If you cant explain the adult actions and decisions which lead to separation/divorce, they will internalise it anyway and take the blame on themselves.

Be honest.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I'm just going thru a separation now, like today... My kids are 8 and 5, they overheard us talking and my 8 yr old admitted to eavesdropping... I didn't know how to really handle it. But I told them. He told them, too. He was kinda bitter when she pointed out he promised that he'd never leave. 

I plan on discussing it as much as they need. And answer questions as they come up.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Yep I second that 

But with great care NO need for the graphics but the basic truth definitely. 

Obviously age makes a difference to understanding adult concepts but kids surprise you with their knowledge of morals. 

Mine are 10 and 11. I've told them the truth from the start 
If mummy wanted to be with somebody else then tell them. Mine said to me "but when you have wedding vows daddy isn't that wrong?" !! Gobsmacked - but of course I concurred "Yes it is" 

To protect herself serial cheating scumbag has done everything to deflect it.

They know her to be a liar and me to be honest and I know who's example I want them to follow.

Tell them nothing, lie to them, and you're in for a whole heap of sh!t later on and even if you are the wronged one they will quite rightly imo castigate you, hold it against you, for lying to them.

I have nothing to hide from my kids and when the day comes and they really look at what happened when they are adults I would not want to be their mother when that day arrives 

Not for all the tea in China


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Yep I second that
> 
> But with great care NO need for the graphics but the basic truth definitely.
> 
> ...



You are really on the money with the effects when they find you lied to them.
Remember, kids are people just as adults are.
Most the BS's on this board agree, it was the LYING from the WS that hurt more than the actual betrayal.
Why would your kids feel any different?

Oh, and my father gave us the graphic details. Made the whole thing make sense, but your mileage may vary.
Remember, most 8 year olds have SEEN PORN by now. Smart phones and schoolmates. 
Welcome to the modern era.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm really torn on this. My kids are 8 and 5 and their mother cheated and left. We false R'd for 10 weeks then I ended it for real. I guess there's no real lying at this point - unless it's lying by omission...we just told them we can't get along any more. 

So you think an 8 and 5 year old should be told their mother cheated?


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I would tell my kids.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Healer said:


> I'm really torn on this. My kids are 8 and 5 and their mother cheated and left. We false R'd for 10 weeks then I ended it for real. I guess there's no real lying at this point - unless it's lying by omission...we just told them we can't get along any more.
> 
> So you think an 8 and 5 year old should be told their mother cheated?


Aren't they curious healer 

They haven't enquired as to why you don't get along ( the 8 yr old)?

I bet they've heard you arguing etc I'd surprised if the older one does not know more 

Not saying you have to tell them as all kids are different as well but the older one I'd think must have a few burning questions ?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

PappyJack said:


> Oh, and my father gave us the graphic details. Made the whole thing make sense, but your mileage may vary.


You were five years old? What do you mean by graphic (if you don't mind me asking)?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

You don't need to give your children or anyone else the gory details of an affair, but have the stones to tell them what's happening, the family will be different, there may be new people, dating, etc. Don't stay together for the kids, and don't lie to your kids. Kids are smart and when they find out you lied to them, they'll have trust issues with you. 

If you treat your kids with enough respect to tell them the truth, you build a stronger relationship and bond with them. Living a lie gives kids a false sense of reality and doesn't prepare them for the real world....plus, it just prolongs the inevitable, because they eventually learn the truth.


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> You were five years old? What do you mean by graphic (if you don't mind me asking)?


Yeah, graphic. My father started with telling us that mother was attracted to, and moving on to live with another man, of course explaining it wasn't our fault.
He sold that to us, not just told us, made sure we understood.
Then, as we had questions later (weeks of thinking, when your that age to process it) he told me about the birds and bees, and graphically.
This was in the 1950's, when kids weren't expected to still be children till they were ready for social security.
My sister already had that info, as she was 7.

Oh, and the kids in school knew, mostly wrong, all about that kind of thing in the 50's.

When I was helping raise seven siblings in the 60's, guess what? They knew more than I did, from the 4 year old to the 10 year old.

Guys, kids are smart and observant. Only a few kids don't see all the sex, sexual activity, etc. going on around them.
My mother took us when she went to visit her boyfriend when I was 4. Um, I didn't understand exactly, but... yeah, I understood.
My step sibs could tell me all about their mother's various lovers, the people who molested them in foster care, etc.

Kids today know a lot more than kids did back then.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Aren't they curious healer
> 
> They haven't enquired as to why you don't get along ( the 8 yr old)?
> 
> ...


He's an incredibly bright boy with a memory like you wouldn't believe, and nothing gets by him. Oddly, he never asks questions. Not one. For a while my 5 year old daughter was puzzled and asked some questions, but not any more. My son sometimes gets upset, and I beg him to tell me what's wrong, but he won't. Mostly he's very strong and happy - or seemingly so.

According to the stbxw - she has told them several times "if you want to be mad at someone for this, be mad at mommy, not daddy". Whether that's true or not - who knows. She's a liar, right? But not once has my son said "dad, what happened?" or anything like it. He does NOT want to talk about it. This concerns me. But I don't trust therapists. 

The last time something happened - she overstayed her welcome when she came to pick up the kids, and something happened that made me get teary eyed. My son asked what's wrong, and the ex piped up "it's hard for all of us, son". He snapped "Yeah I KNOW mom - DON'T remind me!". Pure anger. And he gives her attitude. But he NEVER does with me, and has never expressed anger at me. So. he knows who's at fault for the decimation of the family unit.

I suspect you're right - he knows more than I think he does. But he won't discuss it. And I NEVER talk about his mom - unless it's "your mom with be here in 1 hour" or something. When the kids are with me (Wed-Sun and now Tuesdays as well - so most of the time) - it's like she doesn't exist.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

Healer said:


> He's an incredibly bright boy with a memory like you wouldn't believe, and nothing gets by him. Oddly, he never asks questions. Not one. For a while my 5 year old daughter was puzzled and asked some questions, but not any more. My son sometimes gets upset, and I beg him to tell me what's wrong, but he won't. Mostly he's very strong and happy - or seemingly so.
> 
> According to the stbxw - she has told them several times "if you want to be mad at someone for this, be mad at mommy, not daddy". Whether that's true or not - who knows. She's a liar, right? But not once has my son said "dad, what happened?" or anything like it. He does NOT want to talk about it. This concerns me. But I don't trust therapists.
> 
> ...


maybe your son believes that boys (men) should be strong. they should not cry.they should not discuss their feelings and stuff like that. talking is necessary for him. I know you said, you don't trust therapists. but look your son needs to talk to someone about this and he's not talking to you or his mom. so , obviously he should talk with a third person. someone preferably male. someone that when he talks to this person, he would know this talks don't get back to you or his mom (he might think that 'knowing what he feels' would make you feel less of him). so he would feel safe about it. he would feel that he has the control of his situation. and he can talk to you or his mom eventually when he is ready. a good therapist can do that for your son.


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