# Please help. My wife is leaving and I don't know waht to do



## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

About a month ago my wife came to me after work one day in tears because a college age intern at her work was leaving to go back to school. Stunned I asked why this affected her so much and she proceeded to tell me that she had a crush on him that developed very suddenly and it was making her question our marriage. We have been having issues communicating and resolving conflicts since our wedding, 2 years ago. I repsonded by saying that I wanted to work through things and suggested counseling (she had suggested it awhile ago, and I had dismissed it) but said that my only request was that she want to be in the relationship, that we could work on anything as long as we could commit to each other. She said she needsd to work through her emotions before she could do that.

About a week later, she was talking to him on the phone. After the call, she told me that she was making plans to make a film when he was home from school next summer. I blew up. I accused her of manufacturing a way of seeing him, rather then letting the crush disipate, that it would make it harder to do work on our marriage.

This past Monday, I confronted her when she being distant and she told me that she wanted to end our marriage and separate immediatley. That the problems with our communication and problem resolution were too great and there was too much of a void. That she had constructed an emotional wall to protet herself and that she could not ignore it. I was devastated, completely utterly devastated. 

By Wednesday we were sleeping in separate rooms, I tried to pull myself together and realized that I was accomplishing nothing by wallowing and had to confront the issues head on. I sucked it up and told her that I was not ready to let our marriage dissolve without a fight and that I was deeply in love with her and would do anything to make things work.

Later that night she got a call from her college friend in front of me and told me that she had not stoped talking to him. In fact that they talked almost daily and text messaged many times a day. She told me that she was developing feelings for him. I flipped. it was not pretty, I yelled and screamed, I told her directly to stop talking to him (which said no to, that she wanted to explore these feelings) i tore off my wedding ring and demanded that she take hers off. We calmed down and continued to talk. I went to bed and for an hour could see light under her door, she was calling him back despite the freakout.

This is getting long so I will post it and continue in the thread


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

*Re: Please help. My wife is leaving and I don't know what to do*

My feelings of giving her space, of not smothering her (figuratively , of course), of not talking things to death were completely backfiring and i pushed her away more.

She told me in no uncertain terms that she was ending the relationship to be with him. She just does not want to work it outI then told her that if there was no hope for us getting back together, ever, that I couldn't possibly live in the same house as her while she is with another person. That every time I saw her I would be holding out some hope. She wants to maintain a friendship (maybe not after tonight) and doesn't want to cut off ties. It would devastate me to be around her when she is talking to some else and just make me feel worse and worse. So I told her that maybe she should deal with the remnants of our marriage (mainly, what to do with our living situation) before she go off with someone else. She doesn't want to wait. I told her that if that is what she wanted and that since she instigated the breakup that she needed to figure out how to move out and that there are consequences for actions, that you just don't get your way. I get something, some consideration. 

Why do i have to move out because of this, at some point i have to stand my ground. She is here tonight but leaving tomorrow for a week or two to stay at a friends house. I think the physical space will be good for us but I'm fairly certain she will go visit her college friend for a weekend. 

I don't know what to do. I can't sleep or eat. At least I'm not in tears all of the time now. Part of me says to let go and cope with my feelings, another part of me says to keep fighting.

Am I really in love with her? Am I afraid of being alone and just holding on to the status quo? I don't think so. I do truly, deeply love her and hope that we can work things out but, Jesus, did I push too hard and push her away?

The only way I can manage is by talking through my feelings with friends and family, by writing unsent letters to her, and now, the internet. If I don't get it out, it festers and I can't turn my brain off. Now tomorrow, I'm going to be alone in my house, that's terrifying.

I realize that this is longer then the attention span of most internet folks but I could really use some advice

Thanks
Mike


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## akshay (Sep 4, 2009)

it is definitely hard...best is to be with some close friends at this time....that always helps...


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

Thanks, glad to see someone is out there. One of the worst parts is the nights. I have to wait til morning to see her or talk to her. Or to talk to friends. And I just lay up (wish I had thought of doing this few days ago). Nice to feel like there can be an interaction 24/7


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I understand your anger and I feel your pain. There isn't a great deal you can do about your wife's decisions or how she feels about you. It is impossible to make someone love you. You are only able to control your own emotions or actions. 

If she has made it clear that she does not wish to be with you, then you have to let her go. She is likely going to find out that this relationship is not what she anticipated and decide that she really does love and care about you. 

In the mean time, try to stay busy with friends, a hobby, work, etc. You may also want to seek therapy. It won't be easy, but that is really all that you can do for now. 

(((HUGS)))

FZ1


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

It's def hard when your spouse tells you they want out of a marriage. It does sound like you are still in love with her which makes it harder for you to deal with all of this. I agree with FZ1...if she wants out and she has already made up her mind, there really isn't anything you can do. You need to be strong, stand your ground but at the same time let her know you do love her. I also agree that maybe she will realize after leaving that she was a fool. No one can know what goes on in a woman's mind, not even me. 

If you like the internet there are a lot of places to go and talk. I for 1 like my instant messenger. I have found a few online friends that I can talk to without being judged and some are on at night. 

Hang in there, it does get better.


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## ElizabethFitz (Sep 18, 2009)

Hi,

I am interested in going back to your communication issues. You say "We have been having issues communicating and resolving conflicts since our wedding, 2 years ago." What have you actually been doing to address that situation? 

I appreciate that you have agreed to go to counselling now, but can you see that your wife has had to put up with 2 years of these problems and actually threatened to leave before you agree to do something about them?

And then: "she told me that she was making plans to make a film when he was home from school next summer. I blew up. I accused her of manufacturing a way of seeing him," 

So despite agreeing to counselling, you are still blowing up and having huge rows with her.

Then only a little while later : "I flipped. it was not pretty, I yelled and screamed, I told her directly to stop talking to him (which said no to, that she wanted to explore these feelings) i tore off my wedding ring and demanded that she take hers off. We calmed down and continued to talk"

When your wife comes back, please try and keep control of your temper. That in itself will surprise her. 

It would be even better if you have organized yourself some anger management therapy also. I would suggest that whether you and your wife stay together or not. 

Like the other poster said, you cannot make your wife love you. 

You can only move on now, and use the experience to learn that people really don't like being on the receiving end of other people's temper, be it physical or verbal.

Stay in contact with your wife, and when you manage to control your anger, there may be a chance you can get back with her. 

Best wishes

EF


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## twc (Sep 18, 2009)

Hi Mike,

You sure are in a tough spot right now! I know things are tough right now but there is a way to get through all of this. Let me first give you some background before I shell out any suggestions  . I have been married almost 10 years and the last year we have been struggling hard with my husbands infidelity. He was not honest about any of it I had to find out on my own. I do not hate my husband, I am not going to bash your wife or suggeest you leave. I want to give you the best advice to get thorugh this and maybe even help you avoid a pitfall or two if I can. 

First, great book ... "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass. By most standards she is already involved in an Emotional affair. The piece that is on your side is you KNOW about it so you can do something about it!! Seriously, this is a huge advantage many of us would have liked to have had. This is to protect you. If you even consider engaging in sex use a condom until you really know what is going on and even if it ends (the EA between them) consider STD testing just in case. I dont care how much you love your spouse, everyone is capable and does lie. Dont forget this EVER! It is YOUR life you are talking about. 

Second, there is an EXCELLENT site called survivinginfidelity.com I have been a part of for much of this year. VERY supportive, very controlled, lots of people, LOTS of support and can answer many questions. Might even consider showing your wife the site though until she is ready she may not embrace it (dont worry, again, it is important to think about yourself).

She is already in what we call the "Fog" and it can be a tough place for you to have to deal with. I would highly consider marriage counseling and independent counseling to help you get through and hopefully she will consider it also. There is something VERY broken that needs to be addressed. Unfortunatly only she can decide if she is going to recognize/address it. In the meantime the most important for you is to do what you can for yourself. You can only control yourself and make decisons for you. I know you want to grab her and tell her that this is your marriage and scream "what are you doing at the top of your lungs" ..... I know all too well. It can be a long journey and this very well may be the toughest thing you will deal with in you life (and honestly, it will be tough). For me I have read a whole lot of books ... another great on was "How to Improve Your Marriage wthout Talking about It" (love/Stosney). This actually helped me understand men and women in general and the things important in making the feel good/safe/wanted/important. It helped me deal with all people better. It talks about men's feelign of failure and womens fear.

As for her wanting to leave and what to do, you may just have to let her leave for a while but you have to protect yourself. I hope your wife's fog lifts before she does anything she is going to regret because once she crosses the line there is no going back and there is no undoing the damage. She will have to be able to live with herself and her actions. And if she does have a moment of clarity I would also consider some marriage building workshops (as soon as you can!) and immediatly get to marriage counseling if she comes up for air!!!! These are only some ideas and suggestions, you will know what is right for you and her but the basic IC (independent counseling)/MC (marriage counseling) would be my biggest focus.
Take care and I wish you the very best. There are (unfortunaltly) a lot of people who have and are going through this and there is at least some good support to be found out there.

twc


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

Thanks, all, for your words. I know that I have to let her go, if its meant to be then she has to work through her side of things and then hopefully I'll be in an OK place to try and work through our relationship. There is little more that I can accomplish by talking through things with her at this point it is just making her angry, and frankly a little insulted that I am now trying hard when she has been hurting for so long. I also have a tendency to absorb all of the blame and have to remind myself that its not all my fault. 

The relationship with this 20yo that she wants to pursue I think is based on a reaction to finding someone that provides the things I'm not and I do think that it is immature and that she is somewhat deluded into thinking she can be happy with someone almost half her age. She does have a significant fear of ageing and has had problems every time we have made "adult" steps ie wedding planning, buying a house, planning for kids. I don't think it will go anywhere. I do realize that it could and I do realize that she probably still won't want to be with me when it ends. 

My friend support network has been dormant, everyone has come through great. I did reach out to a counseling center locally and they are going to set up an appointment for me next week. In a panic this morning called another place and they are going to see me in a few hours for an emergency session.

Now EF, I was a little shocked by your response, simply because in all of the directions that my mind has gone and in all of the conversations with my wife, an anger issue, has come up very little. Not to say there aren't any.

I would like to clarify my statements about my angry outbursts. I wrote them to be complete and to express that I was very angry. I guess what doesn't come through (since you have no idea what I am like) is that I am typically not a temper tantrum, throwing stuff around kind of guy. It is unusual behavior. It has happened before in arguments with my wife, and I want to further clarify that I have never hurt my wife. I am very conscious, even in a rage, to direct any violence towards inanimate objects. Even when I threw my wedding ring at her, I was sitting 3 feet from her and threw it at her feet. And they are very rare to happen.

I do have a temper and we do have heated arguments, both of us. We both like to get our way and she feels that I always get my way and that I "steamroll" over her. That when I say NO that there is no changing my mind and that there is no further explanation. Which is not true often we reach a compromise on issues but she has a hard time forgetting my initial NO response. The funny thing is on most of the bigger issues, ultimately, she wound up getting what she wanted.

She feels this has turned into the core issue of our relationship, working out problems and communicating. I am inclined to agree. I don't always get my way, however, and often find that I am the one reaching out to reconcile. She now feels that my apologies are false and that I am just trying to make things go back to normal. Which in a sense may be true but is always in an attempt to get the fight placated to a level where we can have a rational, healthy discussion.

That issue has turned into a much larger one because she has observed this pattern and brought it to my attention, said that we need to deal with it. I agreed, then neither of us did anything about it. I saw each fight as a separate problme that came to a resoultion. She continued to see the unerlying pattern not changing. 

This is the primary reason that she has used to exit the relationship, because we have identified the problem and done nothing about then I must not care enough to fix it. So in answer to your question, EF, we did nothing. I'm embarrassed to say. To be where I am now and know that I could have prevented it, it kills me. I do take some of the blame but she also never proposed any resolution either. She did ask for counceling once when she first saw this pattern and I did not want to thinking that we could work through it ourselves (again, its killing me now to think of this)

But here I am. And she has firmly stated that she doesn't feel there is any hope for us because the issue has been unaddressed for so long that she has built up a barrier and an emotional distance that can't be bridged and she is afraid that if tried to reconcile that this issue would come up again and we would be worse off then now.

EF, thanks for bring the anger issue up, its something for me to think about big time


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am just wishing you the best. I agree with most of the posters here. You know, at this point, there is nothing you can do. They almost never come back unless the EA or PA is over. 

In the meantime, be the best person you can be for youself. It's advice given over and over and so very true.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I am so sorry you are going through this. You really need to talk to someone about your anger, however, because you do not seem to see that taking out rage on inanimate objects is also an attempt to intimidate, suppress, and "steamroll" the other person. If you are enraged, the only appropriate response is to take a time out, remove yourself from the other person, and work out the anger alone--run, hit your pillow, whatever. In the meantime, the question is, WHY do you get "enraged?" All of us get angry, and yes, there may be a few times in life where we get enraged--a very few, like when the safety of our child is threatened. But rage is neither normal nor healthy, while some degree of anger (when facing any type of loss or other perceived threat) is normal, it does not HAVE TO BE the emotion you choose. You clearly take your wife's imminent departure in a way that suggests more fear than love--if you truly love someone, so much that it is THEM and not your possession of them that is important, so much that you want them to be happy even if being happy means, without you in their life, you will feel sadness and a sense of loss, but not a deep threat to yourself that triggers anger and rage. So get the counseling you need to work through this, and either way--no matter what happens in your marriage--you will be a happier person for the rest of your life. Best of luck.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

maybe if you let her go (kick her out) your anger will go with her.


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

Yes, At this point that I had not seen something so obvious as anger issues, I will have to process that for sure. I do think it is the root of lots of our problems. Now I will just have to figure the roots of the anger issue but I think that is not for here (and it might take me awhile). And I know that its not the only one to deal with either.

I do also want to point out that the anger issues were not one sided. She did not get violent (and as I said that was extremely rare with me) but our fights did escalate quickly on both sides. Besides you don't want to drive with her, a little bit of road rage all the time 

I do agree that she should leave. I think that it is not fair to torture me by being home and it will just make my dealing much more difficult. Don't know how we are going to do that in the long run with the house, guess it gets sold and that could take awhile. In the meantime she is staying over with a friend for a week or two, she will still access the house when I'm at work (we have cats that were hers, I will miss them). I told her that I would try not to call her, didn't make any promises but I will try and that she could call me anytime as needed. Minor comminiques are via TM, that way we can't get into it with on a phone call. I think that I need some distance as much, if not more, then she does right now (I have to get some sleep, I'm a zombie). I need to start processing. It is gonna be a tough weekend though. 

"You clearly take your wife's imminent departure in a way that suggests more fear than love" 

That was response to a bit of stream of consciousness writing but its a doubt that popped up and yes I am afraid of loosing her. That was a concern I had when figuring out to stand up and fight. Am I fighting for my love for her or just to maintain the status quo, fear of being alone, that kind of thing. I'm sure that I do love her and I expressed that to her and I may just end up having to deal with that. For good or ill that statement is what completely brought to light the affair. 

I am getting lots of advice from different sources and absorbing it all. I am in complete agreement that I need to take care of myself and can't worry about what she does, I can't control (nor do I want to "control") her. There is no potential future if I can't respect her wishes. And I am starting to accept that there is no potential future.

I can't just let hope go, however, it will always be there in a small way and that's why it is best to get some space right now and deal with that hope when I am more able to manage my thoughts and emotions

On another note. I got an emergency counseling appointment this afternoon and although it was mostly me laying out what has happened we did get a chance to chat a little. I like him and hope that I can afford the weekly visits. I already feel that it will be very helpful addressing this and other issues. I am making this a priority and will find a way to make it happen.


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

I'm freaking out. I just found out that she is seeing him this weekend. I haven't talked to her since Friday just a few TMs. I found out that the friend she is staying with unfriended me on FB. Feel connections severing. Freaked. checked her email. Bad. Guilty. Should not do it. Can't stop myself. Need to know. Want to do rash things. want to call her family. I know that she will be in the house this afternoon. Want to leave work and talk. confront. can't. must stop myself. Friend coming to talk. told them, they must not let me leave. CANT MAKE THIS WORSE. must not make this worse. Slipping. trying to talk this out. leaning on everyone. was trying not to tell everyone. talking to everyone. maybe doing more damage. writing is distracting but I will have to stop wrting want to write forever. Not used to so much raw emotion. so overwhelming. What do I do


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Been there done that. It's so hard cause your so connected. Your having your world ripped up and torn.. Your every waking moment is on her and what's going on. The only salvation is to some how get her out of your head and do something constructive. Clean the house maybe?? Play some music. I know it's hard. I did the same things and my wife reminds me that telling family has made her coming back even harder. Now I don't have any where near the issues with infidelity that you have. At least I haven't seen it. I know this would set me over but it would save me too.. I know I could move on easier if she I knew she did. Good luck..


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

Thanks. I just was forced to talk to customer for awhile and maintain some composure. Brought me back from the brink. I'm trying so hard to rationalize things and focus on myself and waht I can do that is constructive. I'm reading things that give me hope that she come around. And then read others that nagged at my brain, telling me that this is probably over. She needs to deal with her crap too. Maybe she can't deal with this until she sees him. She gets very set when she makes up her mind especially on a emotional level. I am fairly convinced at this point that the affair will not work out (it is just too bizarre even for her) but I think that she is fully using it to end our marriage. To give herself a no going back reason. I just hope that see does not turn this into a physical thing, I think that if she does, she will feel terrible but it will do so much more damage.

She has been out of the house for 3 days but still coming in when I'm not there (I agreed to that). But I find myself coming home and looking for clues that she has been there. To see what see has taken with her. To notice that she was in our bedroom. She made the bed for Chrissakes. I woke up this morning and felt the urge to take everything of hers out and put it in her office so that I can create my space. She has 3, the office, the room she is staying at her friends, and her studio. I have none. Mine is still hers and hers is hers. And I want to move all this stuff and take it down but then I feel like maybe I'm just doing it to provoke a reaction which it would. But everything I'm doing with her so far just keeps making it worse. So maybe I should suck it up, get used to waking up with her stuff around me. Then one day it will disappear and it will crush me. Maybe I should do it on my terms. Its really confusing. 

I'm so gald I got out of the house last weekend. Some friends really came through on short notice, my buddy even convinced me to stay on his couch Sat night so that I wouldn't go home. I'm so clearly still in denial about this whole thing. I keep holding out hope that things will change. but I'm pretty sure they won't (see, i can't even write that I'm sure they won't).
I can't know. can only deal with myself. must focus on myself.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

The best thing you can do is lose yourself into something and do not talk to her... She needs her time to think. It's a practice I can't do well as most know in this forum..  I can preach it but can't practice it. yet some of the things that worked for me is when I made some changes she was looking for in me. When I started talking to her about the issues she had with me and improving them. When she heard I was listening to her and accepting her feelings instead of proving why I did things. Then we got a little better. I dare to say we are on our way cause I have been fooled by her before with this cover up. Either way I am not pushing the buttons that might make her think that. That is why not talking is key. She will need to think..


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## mad (Sep 18, 2009)

She just called. She wants to move back in and me to move out. I told her no. She can't stay with her friend anymore, she didn't tell me why. I told her no. I cannot live with her while she is having an affair. She denied that it was an affair and said that she was just leaving me. I told her that I needed the house to work through me feelings and I needed the distance and that I could barely control what I was feeling let alone what I was saying. She said I could go stay at my moms (who is on vacation this week) and I stood my ground. I told that she could not take everything from me, the marriage, her, the security of the house. She said that I was stealing the house from her (the down payment was her inheritance). I told her that she had no idea what she was doing to me.....

This is too much to recount. I'm sure you get the picture. I stood by my guns, I gave her some time to get some things together tonight and she is going to stay at a hotel. She could stay at her brothers but she refuses to tell her family what is going on. 

This is too much to handle. I finally got some sleep last night, was just getting the security of my room/bed back. Now I'm back to square one


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Good job standing up for yourself!!

You aren't stealing anything from her.


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## whatwasithinking (Oct 24, 2009)

she is already sleeping with him and has been. do yourself a favor and put in some video equipment in the house so when she files for divorce, you can protect yourself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: Please help. My wife is leaving and I don't know what to do*

This one is totally gone. Let it go. The way she did this shows no respect for you or the marriage. I think you are right that she needs to move out. She cheated, she needs to find a new place to live - not you. 

I also think you need to realize something. The next time you are in a relationship and your partner wants counseling - don't say no. You know the way that looks to an outsider is that you are being a jerk - you know you are - and you sure as heck don't want to have to justify your behavior to a independent person. I realize sometimes there are other reasons. But that is my default assumption when one person wants counseling and the other refuses. 







mad said:


> My feelings of giving her space, of not smothering her (figuratively , of course), of not talking things to death were completely backfiring and i pushed her away more.
> 
> She told me in no uncertain terms that she was ending the relationship to be with him. She just does not want to work it outI then told her that if there was no hope for us getting back together, ever, that I couldn't possibly live in the same house as her while she is with another person. That every time I saw her I would be holding out some hope. She wants to maintain a friendship (maybe not after tonight) and doesn't want to cut off ties. It would devastate me to be around her when she is talking to some else and just make me feel worse and worse. So I told her that maybe she should deal with the remnants of our marriage (mainly, what to do with our living situation) before she go off with someone else. She doesn't want to wait. I told her that if that is what she wanted and that since she instigated the breakup that she needed to figure out how to move out and that there are consequences for actions, that you just don't get your way. I get something, some consideration.
> 
> ...


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