# 10 year marriage beating its last heartbeat



## HopeInHeartbreak (Sep 14, 2015)

Hello, this is my first post here and obviously I'm a lost man or I wouldn't be here. I am a 37 year old man and I've been married to my 40 year old wife for 10 years. We have two beautiful little girls aged 10 and 6. My wife and I date for about a year and a half before she got pregnant with our first daughter. I asked her to marry me and 3 months later we were parents. Obviously our relationship was built on sand and not on a firm foundation. 

Fast forward, my wife recently dropped the bomb on me, I love you but I'm not in love with you. Now up to this point she had voiced her complaints. I had gained a bunch of weight due to quoting smoking and moving to midnight shift. I'm not the handiest guy around the house but fortunately I make pretty good money to be able to hire someone to do the work for me. Of course my wife sees me as weak beacuase I'm not her Dad, who was a great man (he died several years ago) 

I snooped into her journal (I was scared and heartbroken) she said she doesn't see a future with me more or less. Since the bomb has dropped I have realized what sacrificial love is. I pulled out of the depression I was in due to the weight gain and my work schedule. I started working out (about three and a half weeks ago now) and have lost 17 pounds. Down to 233 from 250 but I'm tall and wear the weight fairly well, it's not all in my belly. 

I want desperately to save my marriage, for my children and for my wife and I. As it stand right now we have agreed to not move out of our house and take the the next year to work on our selves and see where we stand. She initially said she would notwork on our marriage but agree to go to a one day marriage session our church is doing this Saturday. Some of the things she says and does seem like she does them just to hurt me. I don't think she is having an affair but I wonder if she has found someone else that fulfills the emotional void she currently has.

Is it possible that she hasn't left yet because she has a sliver of hope that we might salvage something? I'm working very hard to become a well rounded man, unfortunately I didn't have the best role models growing up and most of my adult hood has been like feeling around in the dark. I'm not perfect. I will say that I'm not addicted to drugs, I'm hard working at my job, i am a very good father to our children and I am very involved in our church. I just wish she would be willing to try one more time to save marriage. We have a good life, other than the deficits in our marriage. 

What can I do? I'm trying to be positive around her and my kids but i am dying inside. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

God Bless

HIH


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> I love you but I'm not in love with you.


This is the "textbook-case" statement made by people who are having affairs. Whether or not the affair has gone "physical", they have "replaced" their spouse in their minds with someone else. In essence, it's an affair,
just the same as if it was physical.



> Some of the things she says and does seem like she does them just to hurt me.


Firstly, if it waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck.....it's a duck. Forget about doubting your perspective. Those things "seem like" they are intended to hurt you because THEY ARE. There is nothing wrong with your judgement.

This is "textbook-case" #2 about people who are having affairs. They blame their spouses for it, in order to justify their own actions which are against their consciences. They point out any deficiencies they find in their spouse loudly.



> Is it possible that she hasn't left yet because she has a sliver of hope that we might salvage something?


My guess is no. She hasn't left, and has agreed to this minimally-invasive church day, because she wants to preserve her comfortable life while having "fun" with someone else. You will hear this called "cake-eating" - deep inside, cheaters know that their affairs are fantasies. Those other partners are only "fun" because they don't live with them, don't have to share the difficulties, disappointments, foibles, and endure the annoying "little things" they do with their spouses. There's no kids, no mortgage, no cable bill, and no jobs in the affair.


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## HopeInHeartbreak (Sep 14, 2015)

Thank you for your post. I have had my suspicions but I wonder due to lack of available time to have an affair. We still do everything together as a family every weekend. I'm not saying that it isn't possible. 

Am I fool for staying with my wife for the next year to try to find ourselves again? I am committed to my vows and will forever be hopeful that we can salvage our marriage. The hurt I'm feeling right now is almost too much to bear.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> Am I fool for staying with my wife for the next year to try to find ourselves again?


I don't think anyone is a "fool" for trying to save his marriage and his family. I did, following my wife's affairs. I'm not sorry I did, because I can look at myself in the mirror and know beyond any doubt, that I did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to keep my marriage. It didn't work, but it's not
because of me.

It's hard to remember and consider, but none of us can change someone else. Only ourselves. And, there comes a point, only you can say "where", when the hurt and the pain can no longer be tolerated and you simply have to protect yourself and get out.



> I have had my suspicions but I wonder due to lack of available time to have an affair.


Interesting that you say that. I felt the same way when I discovered my WWs.... like "when did she do this?" - but later, I came to recognize that affairs can consume very little time at all. They really happen in the mind and psyche of the person involved in the affair at the speed of thought, which is much faster than the speed of words, and much, much faster than the speed of actions.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Yea, you are facings a host of possibilities, from the rotten to the horrific. Right now you are lost and are seeking desperately trying to stabilize yourself and your life. First plan and take concerte actions on those things that you can control. Your health/weight and your relationship with your daughters. 

So what is your relationship with them? What is happening in their lives? How are you involved in these activities? What issues do girls face at their ages and they face individually. Sending to school, making sure homework is done and taking them to religious services weekly does not cut it. Next based on research what would be the likely outcome of a divorce. Tons of material available on line for your state. Decide now what is the best case scenario would be and work towards it. For example, custody issues. If she is a stay at home wife, she will need to get a full time job. Do not look at the difficulties, look at the possibilities. You work midnight shift. Great you have late afternoon and early to mid evenings to spend with the girls - this is prime time. These are things you can do with certainty, they will anchor you while you deal with uncertainty. 

As to your wife, it is true that not all spouses who say and act as she is are committing adultery, but all spouse who are committing adultery do. Right now you need to step back and with detachment consider why adultery occurs and how it applies to your marriage. You will receive tons of great info here quickly.

I will close by mentioning the concept of trickle truth. So at first they admit to friendship, then maybe a hug and a Kiss. Eventually they admit ok we screwed. But right now you are doing the same here. It's ok, testing the waters is natural. Here is our bottom line: there may be hundreds of reasons to end a marriage, none of which is an excuse or reason for adultery.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

HIH, first off let me say I am sorry you are in the spot you find yourself in. Second off, despite what others have said, not every spouse who leaves is having an affair. People around here tend to view every relationship thru the lens of their own marriage. So unless you have some evidence or she admits to it, I would suggest that you focus on what you do know as opposed to the projections of random people on the internet. It is a good thing that she agreed to do the MC that your church is offering. However, I would highly recommend that you seek real counseling rather than the religious based version your church is offering. You need to discuss your issues openly with an impartial observer, who will not be attempting to fit the square peg of your issues into the round hole their particular religious interpretations of marital obligations and duties. In the meantime keep on working on you. get your self healthy and ready for the challenges that come. This may just be a wake up call for you to step up your game or it may the end play. Either way, you must concentrate your efforts on improving yourself


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## HopeInHeartbreak (Sep 14, 2015)

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Maybe I'm in denial but I honestly don't think she is having an affair. You are right, this has been a major wake up call. I am currently working on the only thing I can control, myself. Some one asked about my kids. My kids are happy active kids. I am a very attentive and loving dad. Obviously I worry what a divorce would do to my kids. It breaks my heart actually. I agree that I will do everything I can to save my family. If thus marriage ends it will not be because I didn't try everything.


God Bless


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

HIH,

You have received "the speech". Now statistics say that when a marriage partner is not willing to work on the marriage 99% of the time third person is in the marriage. 

With that said, work on detaching from wife because she will get nasty due to her making you aware that she is not emotionally invested in the marriage. 

See the fact that she wants to stay for a year on hope that you may have a chance to save the marriage. I would advice to seek legal help if you find evidence of affair going on though.

For now wok on you like you are doing and focus on the 180 that helps you to detach and screw up less with your emotionally unavailable wife.

I am glad you are involved in your faith. This will help you.


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## HopeInHeartbreak (Sep 14, 2015)

I have been trying to just love her unconditionally. Even though her hard us hardend towards me I'm trying to approach this with the best attitude I can. We have a good life together. We both have good jobs, nice house, great neighborhood, great schools, good friends. I know that I wasn't the perfect partner, I suffer from anxiety issues. I didn't know how to be a good husband. I went from being a bachelor to being a husband, a dad, a homeowner in the span of 5 months. Intense to say the least. All I know is that I WILL be a better man on the other side of this, one way or another.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HopeInHeartbreak said:


> Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Maybe I'm in denial but I honestly don't think she is having an affair. You are right, this has been a major wake up call. I am currently working on the only thing I can control, myself. Some one asked about my kids. My kids are happy active kids. I am a very attentive and loving dad. Obviously I worry what a divorce would do to my kids. It breaks my heart actually. I agree that I will do everything I can to save emy family. If thus marriage ends it will not be because I didn't try everything.
> 
> 
> God Bless


You need to search for the truth. Most often there is another man in the mix. I hope I'm wrong but if you open your eyes and look don't be surprised at what you find. Read the telltale signs. It won't take long to find out the truth. If you don't know you have a problem how are you going to fix it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do not consider it foolish to want to save your marriage and despite what anyone here tells you, in the end, you must be true to yourself and do whatever you deem appropriate to salvage your family. What is foolish and selfish is the behavior your wife is exhibiting. In any event there is one fundamental truth that you must acknowledge and that is no one has the power to forcefully change another person. However, there is hope for change if there is rational communication, that which is perceived and understood. Absent that, there is practically no hope for change to occur.

There are only two possible outcomes, either your marriage will fail or it will continue. There is, however, only one real course of action for you to pursue. You must proceed as if the marriage is going to fail. The reason for that is twofold. One, if the marriage does indeed fail, then you are prepared to move on and forge a new life. The second reason is more convoluted. You see it is human nature, especially for those of limited intellect, to desire what they cannot have. Consequently, it is also human nature to take for granted that which is too easily acquired. Therefore, as your wife begins to see the change in you, as you lose weight and concentrate on bettering yourself, she may realize that what she is so casually discarding may be worth more to her than she has come to think as she has been taking you for granted.

There is no guarantee that this will be successful but if rational conversation is not a tool at your disposal, then it is really the only option left to you. And, if the marriage does eventually fail, at least you will be on your way to being able to find someone who feels for you the way you feel for her since you will have begun detaching from your wife. If it is successful, then you may be surprised to find that you are not as anxious to reconcile as you once thought and that will shift the power and control from her to you, to some extent.

This may seem counter intuitive but if she is completely resistant to reconciling it may be your only course of action. You must also consider what is best for your children and their father being in a position of control is preferable to having none and being at the mercy of your wife, especially if she is in an A. Also, you have your religious beliefs and your faith to support you so use them to help garner the strength you need to forge ahead. This will no doubt be a difficult road to travel but if your resolve is strong you will overcome. Be strong, be determined and unwavering for your children and for yourself and the better life that awaits, with or without your current wife if she so chooses. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

My ex was 32 and I was 30 when we split after 7 years. 5yo son, 3yo girl. No sex in the final year. She said the same "love but not in love." She was having an affair, and got pregnant before I even had the chance to move out. She married the guy. Marriage ended two months later. She is still single and a mess. I remarried after about 10 years.

Kids now 19 and 16 are turning out great. Try and be a great role model. Get a trainer. Take great care of yourself. Eat right. Make absolute sure to lawyer up when the time is right. It might seem more pleasant to just want to walk away with some mediation, but do not short change yourself. My lawyer was worth every dime.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> HIH, first off let me say I am sorry you are in the spot you find yourself in. Second off, despite what others have said, not every spouse who leaves is having an affair. People around here tend to view every relationship thru the lens of their own marriage. *So unless you have some evidence or she admits to it, I would suggest that you focus on what you do know as opposed to the projections of random people on the internet.* It is a good thing that she agreed to do the MC that your church is offering. However, I would highly recommend that you seek real counseling rather than the religious based version your church is offering. You need to discuss your issues openly with an impartial observer, who will not be attempting to fit the square peg of your issues into the round hole their particular religious interpretations of marital obligations and duties. In the meantime keep on working on you. get your self healthy and ready for the challenges that come. This may just be a wake up call for you to step up your game or it may the end play. Either way, you must concentrate your efforts on improving yourself


It would be foolish to attempt to save this marriage without finding out for certain what the problem is. You have major red flags for an interloper in your marriage, you need to take steps to find out if thats the case or not. There are steps you can take to recover the marriage but the steps you take if there is no interloper will kill your marriage if there is one. 

You must know what your dealing with to deal with it effectively. There's a link in my signature to the evidence gathering thread, click it and follow the directions.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Forget the unconditional love, adults don't work that way and never will. As an adult, you should give as much as you get. Give too much and your gift is not appreciated and you become a door mat. Sound familiar? Don't forget that. Put it into action at this moment. 

You work hard to gain your wife's love and what do you get in return. She does not respect or value you so why bother to waist your gifts. Stop working on the relationship and concentrate on your children and yourself. Besides losing weight and gaining strength, you need to fix your mind and sense of yourself. A high sense of self-esteem will break you of the habit of serving your wife. 

I think your wife is gone already. At this point, the way to work on the marriage or what is left of it may be to stop working on it. Be willing to walk away from her and begin planning accordingly. Work on the way you live, think and feel. Get yourself mentally independent from your wife, make your own way in the world without reference to getting your wife to love you. Establish a strong relationship with your girls. 

If the marriage turns around then consider what you will do. Stay with the person your wife has shown herself to be or take your new and improved picker and find someone well suited to new you and your girls.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

HopeInHeartbreak said:


> Fast forward, my wife recently dropped the bomb on me, I love you but I'm not in love with you. *Now up to this point she had voiced her complaints.* I had gained a bunch of weight due to quoting smoking and moving to midnight shift. I'm not the handiest guy around the house but fortunately I make pretty good money to be able to hire someone to do the work for me. Of course my wife sees me as weak beacuase I'm not her Dad, who was a great man (he died several years ago)
> HIH


Aside from the weight issue and the lack of handyman capabilities, did she have any other complaints? I can understand how weight can affect her physical attraction to you, but handyman capabilities.....? Was her complaint that you didn't take care of the house?

When you say she had voiced her complaints, did you recognize how serious the situation had gotten? How long has she been voicing those complaints? Is thus a relatively recent occurrence or something that's been going on for years?

Your situation is so common that's it's even got a name - walk away wife syndrome. This typically happens when a wife has detached emotionally from her spouse. There are several reasons for this but in your case, based on the info you provided, it sounds like her concerns were ignored. It may seem unfair that all of your great qualities are being overlooked for these two fixable issues but in your wife's mind, she's tried to get the message across and your lack of response means you either don't care or you two have become incompatible. Sometimes a 'bomb drop' is the only way to get the message across. 

My suggestion is that you pick up a copy of Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. Work on fixing your Love Busters. It may be too little too late to fix your current marriage but it will help you avoid repeating the same mistakes in any future relationship.

Eta: Kudos on the weight loss. Keep it up for your health so that you can live a long active life for your kids.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

A lot of long-time, smart posters here that STILL don;t get it. Women fall out of love. It happens ALL THE TIME. And they all try to look at it as though it's the first time.

Read up on the 180. But PLEASE remember, it is for YOU , not her. Forget the part that says "she'll see the changes in you and come back". I've been on this and other boards for a lot longer than my join date indicates. I've seen THOUSANDS of these ILYBINILWY speeches. They almost NEVER come back.

Sorry. Fix you and accept that your marriage is over. Don't worry about finding another man. That's the fallback on this site. There may be one, but he's a symptom. Not the cause.

By all means work on your marriage. But work on YOU mainly. You have a hard year ahead of you. Be ready for when you need to start over.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> A lot of long-time, smart posters here that STILL don;t get it. Women fall out of love. It happens ALL THE TIME. And they all try to look at it as though it's the first time.
> 
> Read up on the 180. But PLEASE remember, it is for YOU , not her. Forget the part that says "she'll see the changes in you and come back". I've been on this and other boards for a lot longer than my join date indicates. I've seen THOUSANDS of these ILYBINILWY speeches. They almost NEVER come back.
> 
> ...


No, _you_ don't get it. It may be a walk away wife, or it may be garden variety infidelity. _You don't know what's going on any more than the rest of us do._ You're working from your own preconceptions while accusing others of that very thing. Climb down off your high horse and recognize that you don't know what's actually going on yet.

Here's the deal. There are things you can do to recover from WAW, and there are things you can do to recover from infidelity. _Those things are opposite!_ If you assume it's WAW but it's actually infidelity, you will kill the marriage by attempting to recover it. If it's WAW and you assume infidelity, the same thing will happen.

You must know what you're dealing with to fight effectively. Anyone telling you to not investigate is steering you straight to divorce.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP. I (and Guspolinski) are sort of head of 007 here.
Let me emphasize one thing. If you choose to ignore all my advice but one thing just do this one thing: DO NOT ask her about an affair. Its a no win question. ITS SUICIDE!
Should you choose to look deeper, read the top link in my signature. Few women will leave written accounts of their affairs. A var in the car would likely give you an answer within two weeks and sometimes as few as two days.
Our top notch phone guy is user Guspolinski. hes so good with phones he scares me. I dont scare easily.
No way to tell ATM if she is WAW or an affair. My gut says she has found your replacement, at least in her mind. Whether it is physical or not. I dunno.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Here's the deal. There are things you can do to recover from WAW, and there are things you can do to recover from infidelity. _Those things are opposite!_ If you assume it's WAW but it's actually infidelity, you will kill the marriage by attempting to recover it. If it's WAW and you assume infidelity, the same thing will happen.
> 
> You must know what you're dealing with to fight effectively. Anyone telling you to not investigate is steering you straight to divorce.


Brilliance. Post of the day. You should expand Nucking. Explain chasing a cheater and 180 etc on a WAW and why he has to know which it is. 

DO NOT assume the journal tells the whole story.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> No, _you_ don't get it.


I beg to differ. I never said I know what's going on (OK, I MAY have implied it). But I'm also the ONLY one saying that she may actually not love him any more. I may have said it wrong, but he needs to get ready for the fact that she's gone for good.

Plus, if it IS an affair, HE may want to leave as well. Being the ONLY ONE that is giving him advice to prepare for the end really makes me the most practical one here.

Am I wrong? The INILWU part of ILYBINILWY means "I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU". Might be a good idea to listen to her. Do your little 007 thing. That's what these folks excel in. Just prepare that she may actually want to leave.

180 is the prescription for each scenario anyhow. OP: Learn it, live it, love it. It saved my life.

That's all I'm saying.


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