# Is it happening again?



## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi. I am not sure what to do. I don't really have any friends to confide in that don't know my wife, so I am looking for help here. My wife and I have been married for 11 years last august. We have known each other since she was 13 and I was 15, 9th grade. She is gong to be 34 this month and me 36. I was a dog when I was a teenager and cheated alot, but since we have been married I have been faithful and we talked and she said that was all in the past. Just a little background. Around 2007 my wife lost alot of weight through bariatric surgery. She had an EA with a guy in her school (she is a teacher). It lasted about a year. I only found out after she found out he was in an ltr with a co-worker. She broke down one day and came clean. I think she wanted to cry on my shoulder about how hurt she was. She had been texting all the time, even while in bed with me, going out after school for drinking and all. They exchanged x rated pics. She told me she would ***** about me to him. She swore nothing physical, but who am I to know. I checked her emails and texts and all for more details. It hurt badly. She promised she would stop and never do anything like this again. I made aloot changes myself to make her happy, and it seems she is. Since then we decided we would try a couple swap thing. I brought it up , but didn't have the emotional fortitude to go through with it. I felt uncomfortable after we met a couple that they talked constantly, the wife and hime had no interest in me. I told her how I felt and she said we would stop. I wasn't mad because I suggested we try. I just wanted to make her happy, but couldn't do it. After she promised me she would stop she still tried texting him, I checked the phone bill and found out and she stopped. Fast forward to last month. My wife goes out with her girlfriends for a wake, and she binged and was drtinking until the morning. I got 1 text from her saying what's up, then nothing until around 3pm later that day. We made plans to take the kids to the christmas show and I was mad, naturally, she disappeared and dissed us. This is not common for her at all, but I abgrly texted her how made I was so she went drinking more and finally came home drunk. I was mad so I got drunk as well. We argued and at some point I said prove you have nothing to hide. She said here, check my phone. I am not dumb. I went right to her BFF's texts and read from the begining. I didn't find out anything bad about that night, but apparently she has a crush on another co-worker. The texts were saying how he made her heart flutter and she can't stop thinking about him, and how if only he knew how she liked to be spanked. She also mentioned she went out after work with co-workers and him and godt really chummy. It's funny, but the night she went out, she called our neighbor and asked her to watch kids after school and wnt out with them/him. She lied about going out to drink the night she got chummy. We fought more and she showed me how she had been playing words with friends, and it was innocent. I saw one line from him with a double meaning, sayin he is going to spank her ass and she responded we'll see  I hated that. Anyway, she promised she would stop, by her words any social interaction. a week later, we were in our bedroom and I noticed out of the corner of my eye (all paranoid) his facebook pic flash on her words with friends. I confronted her and she said it's only a game and I said, yeah, but you promised. She showed me the convo and there was another line that hurt. Something about he needs her juice and he can get it anytime he wants. We argued about the double meaning (his phone needs power, juice also means pu$$y in slang). The other line was when he made sure to tell her that he was single and no longer dated a certain woman. I was pretty mad, this was twice. She agreed to stop again and then said she removed him from her FB account, but when I checked the next day he was still on. She said, I was drunk, and if I remove him, it will to this other guy that it is more then it is. I then said that at the end of school she has to remove him. I thought that was fair. So 3 times she lied about this. a week later, all paranoid, I though I saw his pic again,a nd confrontyed her, she said no. I checked her words with friends in the morning and lo and behold there was another game. No inappropirate convo tho, but still she lied again. more arguing and promises. Then last week, we got drunk, and I just asked her out of the blue and she admitted it again. She said she just started and it wouldn't happen again. She always tries to minimize it by saying it's just a game, then she will say I understand, I would be hurt to, then switches her story again. We argued a little last night and she said, after the whole day of mopping around feeling bad, that I can'y say what I want because it is so silly. Is this a case of fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. A little background. We get along great, have sex at least 3 times a week. Since this started we have had sex almost everyday. We are best friends and she swears our relationship is not lacking. We do everything together, but I am sick of this. I feel guilt about checking her private stuff, but I am right when I do. I am fighting myself to not check anymore, but I am at my wits end, how many times can she lie and I have to accept it. There are more details, like one night we got drunk and she teasedx me saying she bet he was the length of a forearm and could reach places I couldn't, how they had a brief hand brushing, how she thinks a woman at work wants to have a threesome with her and this guy. What do I do.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

To quote Jelly, "holy great wall of text." Please man edit that and go back and put some paragraph breaks in it. I'm trying to read it but dayumm


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Seems like you two spend too much time drunk. Try having a discussion when sober.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ok so I made my way through it - more or less. 

Your wife is treating you like an doormat and you're letting her. She's acting like she's on the dating scene yet married to you. Tell her to cut it out - all of it - right now, and give you complete transparency or she can get the hell out and go play with one of her boy toys. You have spent way too much time rolling over and being weak about this. Man up and be the husband all women want, the one that respects himself, will fight for his woman, and won't accept people crapping on him. 

Be warned though. If and when you do find your fortitude and you push back she's likely to push back even harder. Time and experience have taught her that you're a push over, so when you push back she'll assume that she can still win by just pushing harder. Don't let her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You make a choice. Will you accept her infidelities, or not?

If you accept them, which is what you have been doing, then just stop whining to her. You both know she's phone-flirting with her other man right now. So stop doing the dance of making her show you, apologize, and promise not to do it anymore (until tomorrow).

If you don't accept it, then call a lawyer. And man up.

Either way is fine. It's up to you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

She cheated on you, promised she would stop, then started up again, promised she would stop, and is acting like she hasn't. What are you waiting for?

With offense intended, you both sound like children. Getting drunk to drown your problems, thinking a couple swap will fix your infidelity issue? You both need to find some sort of mentor that can show you how a real marriage is supposed to look.

My advice to you is to end this relationship and start learning about yourself. You don't sound ready to be in any relationship, let alone a marriage. This one is toxic and if you keep sticking around you're just going to keep getting hurt.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Well obviously she is not an English teacher or your post would be more legible.

Just kidding.

Teachers are notorious for this kind of thing (at least that is what my wife has told me). You need to man up and tell her to cut the crap. She is playing you for a fool and you're letting her. Demand total transparency and if she doesn't go NC with these men then file for divorce pronto.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Well obviously she is not an English teacher or your post would be more legible.
> 
> Just kidding.
> 
> Teachers are notorious for this kind of thing (at least that is what my wife has told me). You need to man up and tell her to cut the crap. She is playing you for a fool and you're letting her. Demand total transparency and if she doesn't go NC with these men then file for divorce pronto.


Why giver her ANOTHER chance? She's already committed to NC and obviously not holding up her end of the bargain. She's not even remorseful. She thinks it's ok to keep playing words with friends with a guy she probably had sex with.


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## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> Why giver her ANOTHER chance? She's already committed to NC and obviously not holding up her end of the bargain. She's not even remorseful. She thinks it's ok to keep playing words with friends with a guy she probably had sex with.


Sorry about the sloppy post. I was filled with emotion and had to get it out. I don't think I am a push over. I am trying to be respectful, but I guess I should get more agressive. 
We probably drink too much,but we have talked about it sober plenty of times. Leaving is not an option. We are in love. Should I keep checking her emails and text? I feel so scummy when I do. Also, I don't know all the acronyms. What does NC mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

sadboy said:


> I am trying to be respectful


Yes but she's not. You should not respect someone who treats you like this.



sadboy said:


> Leaving is not an option.


Leaving is always an option - period. 



sadboy said:


> We are in love.


Is she? Really? Doesn't sound like it from your post. Sounds like she's comfy.



sadboy said:


> Should I keep checking her emails and text? I feel so scummy when I do.


Hell yes you should keep checking and you shouldn't feel the least damn bit guilty. She should feel guilty about giving you something to find. 

I stand by my original statement, while you may not think you are a push over, and you may well not be one. In your marriage, at least when it comes to your wife having boy friends, you are acting like one. 

Man up, decide what you will and won't accept, lay down some consequences and then stick to them. Would you want a wife who reacted to you having a girl friend the way you are? I bet no. I bet you'd want a wife who would go crazy and fight for you. We all want to be wanted.

NC means No Contact.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have been. She keeps cheating on you and you do nothing. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She continues to disrespect you because there are no consequences to her actions. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Sorry but she is playing you for a fool. She does not seem to act like she is married.


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## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have been. She keeps cheating on you and you do nothing. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She continues to disrespect you because there are no consequences to her actions. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Sorry but she is playing you for a fool. She does not seem to act like she is married.


Then what actions should I do. What ultimatum? What should I say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

I am just lost. I thought I could handle it. I wanna one up her, but I am not built that way. I know I could tho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm just going to be honest.

Emotionally you are a child. You are not ready for a marriage. Your responses show that you do not have the capacity to love or receive love in a way that would foster a healthy long-lasting marriage.

You say you "love" your wife and leaving is not an option. That's fine, but your wife does not love you the same way. Real love is putting your partner before yourself, she is not doing that.

In your case you have all the evidence you need. You've caught her continuously lying to you, what more do you expect to find? You might as well encourage her to screw around on you, since when you tell her to stop, she just does it anyway with no consequences.

You are in a one-way open marriage. If you stay in it, expect that she will continue to cheat on you and you will have to deal with it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sadboy said:


> Leaving is not an option.


As long as this is true, she knows that she can get away with cheating on you. This is why she thinks of you and treats you like a doormat. What attracts her to the other men is that they do not let her disrespect them.

Time and again we see on this board, that the best way to lose your wife is letting her know that you will never leave her.


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## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

So I should stand strong? Honestly I was hoping that she would come around on her own. On her own morals. That is why I haven't been more aggressive.


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## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

I also feel that this is silly compared to other stories I have read on here. I read stories about real cheating, real EA's. Am I being silly?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Maybe it would help if you saw it from a third person perspective. Read your post as if it was from someone else, what advice would you give them?

Here I'll summarize, you tell me what advice you would give to me.

"My wife of several years cheated on me with a coworker for over a year. She said she was sorry and wouldn't do it ever again. Some time later I found they were still talking. She said she was sorry and she wouldn't do it anymore. Later I found out she was talking to another man again, she said she was sorry and wouldn't do it anymore. Later I found out she was playing an online game with that guy, she said it was nothing, just a game. What should I do?"

Your advice to yourself would be......."Be passive, she'll come around on her own."


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## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> Maybe it would help if you saw it from a third person perspective. Read your post as if it was from someone else, what advice would you give them?
> 
> Here I'll summarize, you tell me what advice you would give to me.
> 
> ...


Wow. That put it in a different perspective. Really, that was really insightful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sadboy said:


> Wow. That put it in a different perspective. Really, that was really insightful!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Although you know that we are right. Truthfully, I doubt that you will do anything about it. Your wife will cheat and you will let her say sorry again until the next time.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You really are a SADBOY aren't you......



sadboy said:


> So I should stand strong? Honestly I was hoping that she would come around on her own. On her own morals. That is why I haven't been more aggressive.


*
DUDE, SHE IS ACTING ON HER MORALS!*

+You brought up "swapping" but you did so to make her happy.

+I hard a hard time counting the number of lies / occurances of her being in communication with the other man on your orginal posting.

*First things first: MAN THE F**K UP!*

Quit the "should I" or the "I should" and all the other passive thinking and behavior.....I think you are lower rung than a beta male, you have it in you to be a compassonate ALPHA male and thats what you need to do. 

1. Clearly she does not respect you or your feelings, if you two are best friends then it is one sided. She talked to you about his "member," drunk or not - no excuse.......YOU ARE A DOORMAT.

2. Lying partner does not deserve privacy and you should not feel guilty in investigating your suspisions and gut feelings.......the great Ronald Regan said "TRUST BUT VERIFY"

Demand, DEMAND that your wife stop all contact with this man......since her "relationship" with this man has crossed the line (the many lies and continued contact after her promise not to) it cannot be an inocent friendship anymore.....it has to be over, no contact none. Make it clear to her that it is a deal breaker, that you WILL NOT tolerate this other man in your marriage. HOLD YOUR GROUND. If the otherman is married or in a relationship....expose this.

You can't trust her, and make that clear to her.....you two need to get to a marrage counselor as soon as possible........the contined lying and disrespect is a symptom of something and you guts need to fix it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting the way you are?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Your wife is living the single life- texting and dating men and when she gets caught she says she wount do it again. This has become a routine and she is confident you're not going anywhere. She knows she is really gettn over on you, breaking family dates with you and the kids Geese! 

She may tell you EA but prepare yourself bud because her behavior sounds like more than EA.


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

Both of you have so many red flags: her for her poor boundaries, and you for your passiveness toward the ordeal.

You can't demand any change from her yet, but YOU can start becoming firmer.

Reading No More Mister Nice Guy is a start.
http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

You say you are lost. But you don't have to if you stand firm and let the fear wash over you. All things pass.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I feel sad for the kids in the school your wife teaches at---According to you many of the male teachers are screwing around, your wife among probably other women is screwing around---your wife probably has a hangover, half the time she is teaching----GREAT EXAMPLE FOR THE SCHOOL KIDS OF YOUR WIFE'S DISTRICT

I have read of NOT ONE CONSEQUENSE being laid out by YOU

Why should your wife quit screwing around on you---all YOU do is complain, moan, groan, bi*ch, and GET DRUNK.

Your wife has no respect for you---lies to your face, ---messes with other men via every kind of electronics she owns.

There has to be some ACCOUNTABILITY---but all you tell us about is how your sex is great, and you are both always drunk------enjoy your life with/without your wife!!!!!


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## sadboy (Jan 4, 2012)

First of all, I am not always drunk, second of all I am looking for advise, not to be called names and all, then again I guess I needed a swift kick in the ass by you guys, whether I like it or not. I get the message guys, "man up:, and I appreciate it, I am not a doormat. I am going to be firm and make an ultimatum, because deep down I know she needs me more then I need her. Thanks for the help, I will do it tonight and post anything significant.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Careful there - to me ultimatum implies emotion which is the wrong answer. You need to calmly and in a controlled manner layout what you will and more importantly what you won't accept, then layout the consequences - and then enforce the consequences when she test you - which I'll bet quite a lot that she will. Calm, cool and no emotion - don't let her see that she's rattling your cage. 

Draw your line in the sand, tell her where it is, and mean it.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Your not being called names, this is not a school yard, your actions and behaviors are being labeled for what they are. 

****I agree no 'ultamatiums' - you have to, give your wife the boundaries you need in your marriage, those you have to have, that you cannot live in a marriage that your disrespected so much in.

Remember being ALPHA does not mean that you yell, bully, make faces, mock, roll your eyes, have fits, or fall on your knees and beg. An ALPHA male know what he wants and will not accept less, is a gentleman and treats others with respect and dignity. An ALPHA sets boundaries, sets them in stone and does not waffle......give in or compromise (doormat) to remain in favor of others (open marriage)......look have a plan - write it down and study it, prep for your conversation with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You have to be careful with an ultimatum. You have a 99% chance of your wife either dismissing your demands outright, or agreeing to them, but then breaking the agreement very soon.

At that point, you have to pull the trigger and follow through on your threat. Whatever you threaten, you have to be willing and able to deliver. If you threaten and then cave, you're going to be in a weaker situation than you currently are, which is pretty darned weak.

Personally, I think your best course of action is to hand her divorce papers and ask her to pack a bag. That might wake her up. Anything less and she probably won't buy it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

sadboy said:


> I also feel that this is silly compared to other stories I have read on here. I read stories about real cheating, real EA's. Am I being silly?


No, you're not being silly. Her actions are as bad as it gets. There is no doubt she's made out with at least one of these men. Probably sex with one or two. You need a BIG TIME consequence for the next time she lies/cheats (notice I didn't say IF).


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think should do some reading here about the 180, manning up, and letting go, it could really help with your approach towards your wife.

I don't want to sound mean, but there is way too much drinking going on between the two of you. I also worry how good a teacher and role model she can be with children she works with, this type of behavior concerns me.


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