# Advice Needed-Wife Cheating?



## EGOR (Apr 6, 2016)

Been lurking here for awhile now. I have been married for 22 years and recently realized my wife may have been cheating on me more than just once thru out our marriage. 
Her job job takes her away from home quite often but beyond that she takes vacations on her own not inviting me saying she to me after she's booked the trip not asking me didn't think I would want to go. This has even happened when she has asked me if I want to go and say yes still booking a trip for just her.

Recently I guess I came out of my shell and starting putting pieces together but have no evindence.
2 years ago she went on a trip to mexico for a womens yoga retreat. Supposed to be a week long all day everyday yoga experience. Well she did let me know she arrived but then absolutely no contact for a week. But she was on facebook and could have sent me a message through that. She told me she didn't contact me because of no international coverage on her phone. When I picked her up all she could talk about were the excursions she went on and the young guy from the resort who led them. I got furious enough that I almost pulled the car over and walked home the remaining 30 miles. She claims nothing happened and made it out to be no big deal she did not contact me. Even when I questioned that what I was told it was to be a week long yoga retreat not a excursion vacaction. She has gone on trips before alone and always shared photos after. But not this trip. Doing some digging recently found the photos on a external hard drive and found photos of her with a couple guys and photos of her someone took.
The last year her new job has had her traveling out of the country for a week at a time.This has not been easy.
Also this last year living in a new town she regularly goes to yoga on the weekends and afterwards disapears for 3-4 hours with no communication. I call no answer, text no answer. Question her when she gets home and I'm the bad guy for her wanting some time to herself after working a long week.
She travels for work every month. The usual is we talk each day even when she has dinner meetings with vendors.
Well one week recently she did not contact me thru out the day and 8:30-9:00pm each night all I get is a text saying "I am tired going to bed" WTF!! When I asked her about it when I picked her up at the airport she said she had dinner meetings everynight. Ya right is what I thought.
Then a week later on another work trip for a yearly convention same thing happened no contact and when questioned told she was busy with work and work functions. And come to find out she went out to dinner with a vendor who is a man to some posh romantic restaraunt, small tables where couples share plates. Even sharing oysters. In all our time together she never has wanted to even try oysters with me when I have suggested it. When questioned she said her boss suggested the restaraunt. Also said no one else on the team could make the dinner, again WTF! And to top it off it is the same vendor she had dinner meetings with a couple nights on the previous trip. I flipped out. Finding out she is alone with some guy sharing a romantic dinner and she act likes it's no big deal. 

We have been living apart across the country from each other for a month now for various reasons beyond the marital issues.
I have questioned her but my gut doesn't believe. I have tried to find proof but no luck. I have recently accused her of cheating but again denial. Hard to tell for sure because it has been over the phone. She has denied anything ever happening and when I have thought about it seems the stories don't line up. Acting like it's no big deal. specially because she is vague about what she has been doing and with these past events. I haven't seen her in over a month and am to see her next week to discuss our relationship going forward.

There are other marital issues we are supposed to be working on but I seem to be the only one to really want to work on it. She says she wants it to work but actions don't show. Example, we agreed to share a letter to each other by a certain date of wants and needs in the relationship, I got mine to her before the date but she drug her feet and days after finally got a partial to me only after I said something. Almost a week later and she has not completed her end.

Question is should I push the issue of my concern with my feelings I can't get rid of that she either has had an emotional or physical affair, when we see each other next week? 
She says she wants it to work but showing no effort makes me question. She seems to want only me to be the one to make the effort, work on what I have let slide on my side which I have owned up to and made the effort to fix and make better. I feel all she does is criticize me. She says she loves me but not that she is in love with me, and that bothers me. Honestly I can say I have loved her unconditionally and accepted her for who she is, was and is growing into be. She cannot tell me she accepts me for who I am or trying to grow to be. That hurts.

How do I approach this.I ask because I question myself constanly if I am just over reacting. We have no kids left at home, I am unemployed (which is because I left my job to follow her in her career and she is furious about that I have been unable to find work) and looking but that is not good enough for her. 
There are several other issues to discuss but I don't know how I should approach this.
Thanks in advance for any advice


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Please just stop accepting her for what she is.

Because what she is is an incredibly selfish and naive girl-woman who has never had to accept the consequences of any of her actions.

She acts as if you are not of any importance at all and that her actions have no consequences.

She must learn that they most certainly do have consequences.

Do you have any children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EGOR (Apr 6, 2016)

No children at home all grown and on their own.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

EGOR said:


> She says she *loves me but not that she is in love with me*


"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is so common here it is usually abbreviated as ILIBINILWY. It is probably is the number one red flag for cheating, along with locked cell phones that are glued to their hips, which isn't even necessary in this case because you spend so much time apart.

Yes, there have been a couple of times someone here has heard ILYBINILWY from his wife without her actually cheating on him, but not many. It's *way *more than 90% accurate in predicting cheating.

Sorry you are here.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What do you think would happen if you initiated divorce proceedings ? She is not in love with you and your gut tells you she is unfaithful, not to mention disrespectful, deceitful and a liar (and a persons gut is nearly always right from experience). You have gotten the ILYBNILWY speech and you have strong indications of her lying and being disrespectful and deceitful, so why stay with her ?

File for D and see what she says/does (remember a D can always be stopped if need be). Then come back here. At some stage soon ask her to take a polygraph and again, her response would be interesting.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

She is absolutely checked out of your marriage, when she is away from home you and marriage are the furthest thing from her mind. You know why a morning yoga class turns into her disappearing for four hours? Because she doesn't want to go home, she doesn't want that life anymore. When she's out of town the reason she doesn't contact you is because she wants to forget about being married and having a husband, talking to you just brings her down and reminds her of her real life. 

Is she cheating? Probably.

I think the first thing to do is ask her flat out if she wants to remain married....and why. Don't start and argument, don't whine or plead or accuse. Have a frank business like discussion as to what each of you want and expect going forward.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop accusing without proof. Just drives it deeper underground. Check her phone bill first.

Almost impossible if you aren't living together. Not having a job on your end puts you at a huge disadvantage.


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## Mia Clarkson (Apr 6, 2016)

i see the only way - divorce


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I do not think he has actually got the ILYBINILWY speech, just that she hadn't said she is in love with him.

But that doesn't matter to me, really.

What matters to me us thst she is SHOWING him thst she doesn't love him and had no respect for him as her spouse.

Something has to give.

Counselling, divorce maybe?

If she is treating him with such blatant disrespect, yet is not having an affair, it doesn't really mean that much as she is STILL cheating him out of a good marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I do not think he has actually got the ILYBINILWY speech, just that she hadn't said she is in love with him.
> 
> But that doesn't matter to me, really.
> 
> ...



Matt, according to him, she has said she is not in love with him but does love him. Read his first post.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

OP, sorry you are in such a messed up situation 

First bit of advice... stop questioning her about her movements and activities and cheating. Not because you're wrong, but because if she hasn't fessed up by now and has been a serial liar, you are hitting your head against a brick wall. If you have any kind of money put away, could be worth getting a PI along to one of these so called work things to surveillance her so you have solid proof, just for yourself and your own validation but also for the divorce that i feel is impending. 

Re the yoga classes on weekends, is that in your local area? If so, you could sneak out and follow her to a class, and then watch her come out and see where she goes and take photos on your phone. I would totally do that if it was my husband acting that way. If you have an opportunity to follow her and see if for yourself, for your own sanity, totally do it.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It does not sound like she loves you at all. Maybe she did in the beginning but it seems her behaviour over all this time has just turned her into a very unkind and cruel person. 

A reasonable person (even one who is not cheating) would take your concerns seriously and avoid activities or events that you were not comfortable with, just out of respect for you. They would not be invalidating your feelings and gaslighting you.


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## EGOR (Apr 6, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your insight and replies. 

We have discussed MC, problem we have is we are living across the country from each other at the moment. But I did still request it and looked for someone who could do phone counseling and conference each of us in. She said that really wouldn't work because not being there in person we wouldn't get what we need (an excuse). I suggested individual counseling, she initially said ok that she would seek out someone for her but nothing from her said she's been to busy. I have arranged for my individual counseling as no matter what I need to work through things for myself.

Problem with checking her phone records is she has a company cell phone and I have no access to those records. And even when we are together next week I would not know how to get her to give up the pass code even asking directly I am sure she would just get angry.

Next week when I see her I plan to ask her directly does she want to remain married? I plan to do this because of the discussions we , have had and shared what each of are frustrated about along with what we each need to work on she has not been making an effort. I can honestly say I have been. 

My biggest hang up on the situation is having 22+ years invested I want to make sure making the effort that if it goes south I have no regrets for not trying. If she makes no effort she will have to live with herself for not trying.

Thank you again........


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The root problem is that you're married in name only. You really don't live together.

And your wife likes it that way, and yes... There's many red flags that she's stepping out on you and liking that lifestyle.

But the root cause is likely that your wife really doesn't want to be married, or at least married to you. She's away from you for a month.

Seems like a decent time to call her up and say "Wife, your lifestyle really isn't what I want from a marriage. And I know about what you've actually been up to while away, and I know that you love to go away without me. And I'm here to tell you that that's OK. It's more than OK because you're going to get a lifetime of being away from me now. I'm emailing you a copy of a divorce agreement. Ta ta, I'd like to say it's been fun, but really it hasn't."

Click.

And no contact with her from that point forward.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'd be cheating too if I was living across the country from my spouse. You don't have a marriage. 

Ask yourself.. Is the fcking I'm getting worth the fcking I'm taking?

There lies your answer.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

" I am unemployed (which is because I left my job to follow her in her career and she is furious about that I have been unable to find work) and looking but that is not good enough for her. "

OP, you primary focus needs to be getting a good job whereever that is and be financially independent of her. Then serve her with D papers, either to get her to fix her behavior or to really divorce. You are already separated.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You cannot stay connected and bonded when the two of you live across country. You are not in a position to do any sleuthing that would prove she is cheating, so you just need to trust your gut. I would say there is a good chance she is cheating. But if this is the case, there is nothing you can do but divorce. I say just lay it on the line. Ask her if she wants to save the marriage, because it sounds to me like she checked out. You two had no damn business living apart. You both could have made accommodations to stay together but you didn't. Would being together lessened the chance of her detaching from you? Maybe not. But the odds of her stepping out on you would have been reduced. Right now she has carte blanche to do what she wants when she wants. 

Let me ask you...are you in love with her? Or do you just have an affectionate regard? It is hard to maintain those in-love feelings with thousands of miles between you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She seems to want the lifestyle of lots of attention directed toward her, lots of adventures without you and not to be checked or asked about any of her activities. You seem to be just a plan B when nothing else is going on that she does not have to put any effort into. 

The only way you are going to find out if anything is going on is to investigate this for yourself, you aren't going to get a truthful answer from her. Go completely dark and don't ask her anything about her activities during her trips and start monitoring her phone when she gets back home. Look into the many monitoring methods I've seen mentioned here. From what it looks like, there seems to be plenty of circumstancial evidence that something is going on and her attitude toward you seems to be consistant with that. I certainly wish you well in this and I hope it all works out for you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Also, I believe that no matter what the relationship is like, she is going to have very little respect for you as long as she is the breadwinner and you are not working. She will feel that she is justified in having "a bit of fun". I agree with the other poster who said you really need to focus on getting a job first and foremost.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go ahead and ask you old lady if she wants to stay married...she will say yes and life will go.

The fact is it is cheaper to keep you than to divorce you!

Why would she want a divorce? She has it made.

I'm pretty sure if you want things to change you are going to have to take action with out her.

BTW...how did you find out about this current guy?

Something tells me she is getting off on telling you this crap.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I am sorry you are in this situation my friend, but you do not need advice. This kind of geographical separation and her behavior make it hard to believe she is not cheating on you.

You need an attorney, not advice from us. And if you are not working, and things are in both your names, she ain't walking away Scott free.

Right now, you are in a totally open marriage and you never signed up for that. I do'nt know why you are wasting your time investigating anything.

You will never know the truth without a polygraph, and believe me, she will refuse that one in a New York second.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Matt, according to him, she has said she is not in love with him but does love him. Read his first post.


I read it, but wasn't entirely sure he had the full speech.

I have and it's not something you want to hear. (Sherlock says: "Excuse me, but where is the bog paper?")
:rofl:


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## EGOR (Apr 6, 2016)

Thanks again for the input. I need to clarify we always lived together up until a month ago. All the extended time from home at yoga, business trips or vacations on her own were when we were still together.

As to why we are living apart we made the decision for me to move back home where we are from and own a home at to find work. I grew up here and have many connections. Following her across the country over 5 years ago for her career we landed in the midwest. It took me a year to find a job there. And when she again took a new job in FL I quit and followed her. Almost a year there and no job. She is set to be moving to canada for her job in the next couple months and am being told it will be at least 9 months for my work visa to get approved and then I can look for work. So instead of being out of work for another 3 years decided to come back home. Also Our youngest child has experienced drug addiction and going through more of that. So I moved back here to be able to be a support system for him was a major factor on the separation. Also at that time we were having other issues in the relationship beyond the suspected cheating.
While still together in FL I tried finding proof and nothing. The yoga place was a good 25 miles from the house. The times I did follow and watch were the days she came straight home. I couldn't follow every time for my own sanity. Not sure if she had an intuition she was being followed but a half dozen times and nothing. 

But as I think more about the separation it was her idea for me to move back home even though with the money she makes we are more than good. So that should have been a bigger red flag

I am going to see her next week as I have to go back down to FL to close out he lease on the home and finish packing a moving truck. I will be asking her then directly if she wants to be married and married to me. We will she what she says. My gut says she is waiting for me to get a job so she can tell me to take a hike and not have to pay as much alimony.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

EGOR said:


> Been lurking here for awhile now. I have been married for 22 years and recently realized my wife may have been cheating on me more than just once thru out our marriage.
> Her job job takes her away from home quite often but beyond that she takes vacations on her own not inviting me saying she to me after she's booked the trip not asking me didn't think I would want to go. This has even happened when she has asked me if I want to go and say yes still booking a trip for just her.
> 
> Recently I guess I came out of my shell and starting putting pieces together but have no evindence.
> ...


Sooooooooooooooo. What is it that you want to happen?

Want to stay married? Why?

She travels for work and supports you. Takes vacations alone......She's paying the bills right? Take a few vacations yourself...Hell, I'd do that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EGOR said:


> My biggest hang up on the situation is having 22+ years invested


It does not matter if you had 22 years invested or 2 years invested. Would you buy more stock in a company going bankrupt because you already were a stockholder and so why not through good money after bad?

Why waste the good years you have left? I get it. At our age it is hard to admit a marriage is over. Are you willing to keep doing this same routine for 10 more years?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EGOR said:


> But as I think more about the separation it was her idea for me to move back home even though with the money she makes we are more than good. So that should have been a bigger red flag
> 
> I am going to see her next week as I have to go back down to FL to close out he lease on the home and finish packing a moving truck. I will be asking her then directly if she wants to be married and married to me. We will she what she says. *My gut says she is waiting for me to get a job so she can tell me to take a hike and not have to pay as much alimony.*


I am lost as to what states are involved but make sure you do not get screwed on the divorce laws of the states involved if she files as soon as you get a job.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

EGOR said:


> Thanks again for the input. I need to clarify we always lived together up until a month ago. All the extended time from home at yoga, business trips or vacations on her own were when we were still together.
> 
> As to why we are living apart we made the decision for me to move back home where we are from and own a home at to find work. I grew up here and have many connections. Following her across the country over 5 years ago for her career we landed in the midwest. It took me a year to find a job there. And when she again took a new job in FL I quit and followed her. Almost a year there and no job. She is set to be moving to canada for her job in the next couple months and am being told it will be at least 9 months for my work visa to get approved and then I can look for work. So instead of being out of work for another 3 years decided to come back home. Also Our youngest child has experienced drug addiction and going through more of that. So I moved back here to be able to be a support system for him was a major factor on the separation. Also at that time we were having other issues in the relationship beyond the suspected cheating.
> While still together in FL I tried finding proof and nothing. The yoga place was a good 25 miles from the house. The times I did follow and watch were the days she came straight home. I couldn't follow every time for my own sanity. Not sure if she had an intuition she was being followed but a half dozen times and nothing.
> ...


You should file immediately and try to get alimony *from her*.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're just wasting time worrying about the cheating.
You should focus on the fact that your wife doesn't even want to spend time with you for sex or anything else.

Really. I would just divorce. You haven't seen her in a month. When she is home she goes off without you, doesn't answer calls and texts.

Go see a Lawyer. 

Think of it this way: what do you have to lose? She's not with you when she's with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She has checked out looooong ago regardless of cheating or not.

BTW, if she hasn't or isn't cheating I'll eat my underwear after wearing them for a week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Like others are telling you - don't even bother with a discussion - she would not offer you that courtesy. Initiate divorce and get a good alimony payment from her and live the rest of your life like you want to (don't throw good years after bad).

In the words of Nike and Shia LeBouf, "just do it"!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ebro listen to these people you are about to be blindsided...she is setting you up....and you don't even realize....like a lamb to slaughter and you are only fooling yourself if you think otherwise...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

So she is the bread winner, living in a different country, do I have that right? Why are you not with her if you are not employed? Are you not able to join her? Have you thought of surprising her with a visit where she is living? I definitely think that conversation you have thought thru about asking her why you are married is a good idea.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

As person above said, you could do a surprise visit. Just turn up out of the blue . No notice. Do you know what her address is? It's a conversation that you need to have in person and I can't see her coming home to talk about it. You will also likely catch her out with OM. 

My feeling is that you already know what she wants. Her behaviour screams it. The only reason she may say she does want to be married is that she doesn't want it to be her fault when you do divorc .


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Since you can't see the forest through the trees, let me tell you what I see from 50,000 feet.....you follow your women and she runs. literially when you move to be with her she find work else were. Communication are set on her terms with little regard to staying in touch with you ( how about the kids does she stay in touch with your adult kids?) especialy with the issue with the youngest?????

You have one simple question to ask her and she will answer it exactly the way you want her to answer...she knows you...she will tell you what you want to hear. Telling you what you want to hear only benifits her!

It;s time to take care of you and your messed up kid and stop asking your old lady about what she wants and start getting what you need so you can stop this emotional torture your old lady has to offer you.


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## EGOR (Apr 6, 2016)

No matter what I have to go back out there next week, Florida that is I am in Washington. Have a house were leasing and I have to be present to sign off on the inspection in order to get the deposits back.

I have done a ton of thinking and reading everyone's advice. I have taken my blinders off and it is obvious she wants out of the marriage and is stringing me along. I am in the process of making sure I am taken care of until I can land a job. I realized that LOVE IS BLIND and I have been blind, guess better said didn't want to accept it. But it is time to move on and make sure I don't get screwed over.

Thanks again for the advice and helping me take the blinders off. Hurting and in love will make you do stupid things not seeing everything and that is exactly everything I have been doing. No more being taken advantage of...... Time to move on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EGOR said:


> No matter what *I have to go back out there next week*, Florida that is I am in Washington. Have a house were leasing and I have to be present to sign off on the inspection in order to get the deposits back.
> 
> I have done a ton of thinking and reading everyone's advice. I have taken my blinders off and it is obvious she wants out of the marriage and is stringing me along. I am in the process of making sure I am taken care of until I can land a job. I realized that LOVE IS BLIND and I have been blind, guess better said didn't want to accept it. But it is time to move on and make sure I don't get screwed over.
> 
> Thanks again for the advice and helping me take the blinders off. Hurting and in love will make you do stupid things not seeing everything and that is exactly everything I have been doing. No more being taken advantage of...... Time to move on.


Show up early... maybe 2-3 days before you're supposed to be there.

Show up in the evening.

I guarantee you'll learn something.

ETA: Show up w/ a VAR -- or, at the very least, the voice recorder app on your smartphone -- running in your pocket.

That or a GoPro strapped to your chest. :lol: :rofl:


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

OP,

What if you did none of those things? Skirtted your alleged responsibility and just did whatever you heart desires? What consequences would you suffer and how are they worse than your half lived life right now?

I say get back to living,!and figure the rest out later. Go fishing, go skydiving, go bowling. Whatever the hell you want, and don't ever contact her the entire time. 

Life is short. Enjoy yourself and take time to figure out the future you, I'm quite sure she has figured as well and it doesn't include you, mind if it does, it's as window dressing. Be alive again.

Wishing you the best,
V(13)




EGOR said:


> No matter what I have to go back out there next week, Florida that is I am in Washington. Have a house were leasing and I have to be present to sign off on the inspection in order to get the deposits back.
> 
> I have done a ton of thinking and reading everyone's advice. I have taken my blinders off and it is obvious she wants out of the marriage and is stringing me along. I am in the process of making sure I am taken care of until I can land a job. I realized that LOVE IS BLIND and I have been blind, guess better said didn't want to accept it. But it is time to move on and make sure I don't get screwed over.
> 
> Thanks again for the advice and helping me take the blinders off. Hurting and in love will make you do stupid things not seeing everything and that is exactly everything I have been doing. No more being taken advantage of...... Time to move on.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Voltaire2013 said:


> OP,
> 
> What if you did none of those things? Skirtted your alleged responsibility and just did whatever you heart desires? What consequences would you suffer and how are they worse than your half lived life right now?
> 
> ...


Actually this might not be a bad idea - you just need to accept that although you are married on paper you really are not but are getting supported by her to do whatever you want. She will soon initiate divorce - trust me.

Personally, my self esteem would not let me do it.

Also I would suggest that you get an alimony settlement in place and then focus on everything else. Strike while the iron is hot (or she is working and you are not).


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please clarify: are you currently living in Florida and moving to Washington state? Your wife next job is in Canada?


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