# When you catch a cheater



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Do you think that when you discover a cheater its the first time they have EVER cheated? or do you think its just the first time they got caught? Just curious.. Its just crazy to me how its always they get caught and its always the first time anything ever happened.. And if they have cheated more do you think they will ever confess it or never confess others?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think it depends on the cheater.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First time or not, do yourself a favor and make it the _last_ time.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> And if they have cheated more do you think they will ever confess it or never confess others?


They will only confess to what they can't continue to lie about.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> First time or not, do yourself a favor and make it the _last_ time.


Yep. I learned my lesson well. If I ever catch a cheater again, there will be NO questions, NO counseling, NO self-help books, NO pastors, NO var, NO phone taps, NO keystroke monitors, NO gps, I am not going to live my life like that. 

There will be no opportunity given for her to lie to me about anything. Basically, I won't care what she has to say, her actions will have spoken. That's all. One, and done.... it on't matter if it's "the first time" or if it's the millionth time. I will be just as done after one as I would be after a million.

I will know what I know, and I will never be convinced that I'm wrong, and it WILL NOT BE MY FAULT, not in any way, shape, form, or fashion. It will be, plain and simple, HER CHOICE. There will only be a lawyer and a judge. ASAP.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

My personal experience is that they will only confess to what you present, so there is no way to really know.

Also, by the time they get to cheating they have probably attempted many times. So, there may not be the sex act involved, but there is probably a lot of behavior leading up to it that you would find disrespectful to you.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

You might never know, just focus on you, what you want, get mental health support and STD screening then take whatever time you need to decide, ball is in your court


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Do you think that when you discover a cheater its the first time they have EVER cheated? or do you think its just the first time they got caught?


Like winning a $1,000,000 on a the 1st scratch-off you ever buy... Possible, highly improbable. 

How many here at TAM got to hear... "I've NEVER DONE anything like this before, it was a horrible mistake, please believe me, please give me another chance."

The truth is your WS used up their second, third... whatever chance long before they were caught.



TJW said:


> Yep. I learned my lesson well.


Life can't be simulated.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you catch a cheater you caught the smoke.
The fire was long ago doused.

And with more matches on hand, within easy reach.

The only exception is if you walked in on the action, the flames high, the flesh hot.
That rarely is the case.

Most are cold-cases, unsolved, unresolved.
The scent gone, gone cold.

Sending you up a wall.

Ach!



KB-


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Perhaps I am less skeptical. I do know someone whose cheating was quite limited and the product of a bad marriage and dominating spouse. She had diligently worked to have him change, he didn't and she decided to stay together primarily for the children. 
There are overall two types of people, those seemingly incapable of fidelity and others that engage based on the situation. 

So If I were in the situation, I would first ask the spouse if he/she wanted to stay. If I felt the marriage was worth fighting for, I would then encourage the spouse to discuss problems and concerns and would make a commitment to change where appropriate. For example, if there is no sexual relationship, one should not complain about being faithful to nothing. The unfaithful spouse would need to understand in the future that problems are addressed directly and not avoided. 

If you're going to try to remake your marriage, some degree of confidence and investigation is needed, and the cheating spouse needs to allow access to passcodes, phone, computer, etc. No BS about trust, because you lost the ability to request that. Trust is earned and the cheating spouse needs to be reminded he/she now begins at zero. Clothes and underwear could be checked for DNA if appropriate and perhaps a lie detector. It is only through time and confidence that trust can be restored.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Do you think that when you discover a cheater its the first time they have EVER cheated? or do you think its just the first time they got caught? Just curious.. Its just crazy to me how its always they get caught and its always the first time anything ever happened.. And if they have cheated more do you think they will ever confess it or never confess others?


It's almost never the first time in my opinion. There are sites like Tinder and other sites made specifically for cheating. When you catch a cheater you can't really trust a word they say that hasn't been confirmed with your own eyes. They likely won't confess by their own will if there are more.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Its possible to catch them when they physically cheat the first time. However, they have already succumbed to pressure/temptation, justified it, and cheated several times in their mind. This includes those that ponder an affair for weeks or months and those who are "picked up" for a quickie in the back seat or a one night stand. Ain't no such thing as, "It just happened" any more than shop lifting, buying drugs, willful property damage, et cetera.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

It depends on the person cheating. I have run across men that cheat multiple times. Most humans that cheat once will cheat numerous times. Don’t get me wrong, some learn a lesson after the first time but it’s rare.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

From my little experience with working with people in corrections, several said they only got caught once in thirty times, but that is dealing with breaking legal laws and the law enforcement personnel.

I have also read of people having affairs for 5 or more years never getting caught, but maybe the BS is ignoring the cheating clues.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Reconciliation is not a life for me. Life is too short, I will never love anyone enough to let them do that to me and get another chance to do it again. There are too many other wonderful people out there. Everything in life ends anyway even the best relationships so why not the worst.

Sorry as to your question - It's in their nature.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bobby5000 said:


> There are overall two types of people, those seemingly incapable of fidelity and others that engage based on the situation.


I think you left out the kind that create the situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You'll never know if when you caught them was their first time to cheat and you'll never know if they'll cheat again. 

R with a cheater makes you question everything about your life with them. That's the choice you make. Some find R worthwhile and some don't.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> Yep. I learned my lesson well. If I ever catch a cheater again, there will be NO questions, NO counseling, NO self-help books, NO pastors, NO var, NO phone taps, NO keystroke monitors, NO gps, I am not going to live my life like that.
> 
> .


Yep.

You notice how it is always the BS that has to do the interrogations and the counseling and the books and the clergy and the surveillance?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

TJW said:


> Yep. I learned my lesson well. If I ever catch a cheater again, there will be NO questions, NO counseling, NO self-help books, NO pastors, NO var, NO phone taps, NO keystroke monitors, NO gps, I am not going to live my life like that.
> 
> There will be no opportunity given for her to lie to me about anything. Basically, I won't care what she has to say, her actions will have spoken. That's all. One, and done.... it on't matter if it's "the first time" or if it's the millionth time. I will be just as done after one as I would be after a million.
> 
> I will know what I know, and I will never be convinced that I'm wrong, and it WILL NOT BE MY FAULT, not in any way, shape, form, or fashion. It will be, plain and simple, HER CHOICE. There will only be a lawyer and a judge. ASAP.


This is spot on!

And to answer the original posted question.... I think 99% of the time this was not their first time. They just got sloppy and got caught from either over confidence, or just the volume of simultaneous cheating got so out of control they could no longer hide it properly.




Bobby5000 said:


> Perhaps I am less skeptical. I do know someone whose cheating was quite limited and the product of a bad marriage and dominating spouse. She had diligently worked to have him change, he didn't and she decided to stay together primarily for the children.
> There are overall two types of people, those seemingly incapable of fidelity and others that engage based on the situation


I believe there is only one type of cheater. Just one that chooses to cheat. A cheater that has a bad home situation simply has shorter route to justification. This is a person who feels entitled to cheat, and will probably hurt a lot more people.

I have made plenty of mistakes in my own life. But I own them. Ill never blame anyone else for them. They were bad decisions that I made.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sometimes the AP is just simply the one weakness a wayward has, or ever has had. Like an ex with no closure, or a close lifelong friend where they finally crossed the forbidden line. 

I agree that if it's just some rando, or act of lust, then yes, they've probably either cheated before or will again.

But sometimes there is only one person that a WW or WH would ever cheat with.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> You notice how it is always the BS that has to do the interrogations and the counseling and the books and the clergy and the surveillance?


Yes, I noticed. I did it all. Except, the surveillance. I was too damned busy to waste my time on something like that. I accepted that it was "my fault"....that's how I learned this (after nearly two years of trying to find a problem within me which didn't exist):



it-guy said:


> there is only one type of cheater. Just one that chooses to cheat.


And, there's only one reason why cheaters cheat. Because they want to. And, 



sokillme said:


> It's in their nature.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Three things I noticed about cheaters that always seem to hold true:

1) A cheater would rather "die with a lie" than "live with the truth". 

2) Their ego's will grow to enormous proportions when they think they are getting away with it.

and 

3) Playing stupid while you gather info, and then hitting them with it when they least expect it absolutely obliterates that ego which in turn will return them to number 1 above.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I can only share my experience, but when I caught my wife she swore it was the only affair, but I didn't care and divorced her anyway. About a year after I divorced her I found out there was another one that I hadn't caught several years earlier. She wasn't in love with that guy and it only happened when she travelled back home without me so she didn't display the usual cheater warning signs and was effectively able to conceal it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

No,yes,no.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

TJW said:


> Yep. I learned my lesson well. If I ever catch a cheater again, there will be NO questions, NO counseling, NO self-help books, NO pastors, NO var, NO phone taps, NO keystroke monitors, NO gps, I am not going to live my life like that.
> 
> There will be no opportunity given for her to lie to me about anything. Basically, I won't care what she has to say, her actions will have spoken. That's all. One, and done.... it on't matter if it's "the first time" or if it's the millionth time. I will be just as done after one as I would be after a million.
> 
> I will know what I know, and I will never be convinced that I'm wrong, and it WILL NOT BE MY FAULT, not in any way, shape, form, or fashion. It will be, plain and simple, HER CHOICE. There will only be a lawyer and a judge. ASAP.



100% agree with this.

With H, I remember blaming myself....telling him that I would fix me. It makes me feel sick how much of the blame I took and how weak I was. I told him to leave then an hour later was phoning him because I felt bad almost begging him to give us another chance. I realize now that I was acting on fear, fear of being alone, fear of what people would think, etc. etc. 

Basically letting him off the hook and acting like it was all my fault that he chose to have an EA.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Do you think that when you discover a cheater its the first time they have EVER cheated? or do you think its just the first time they got caught? Just curious.. Its just crazy to me how its always they get caught and its always the first time anything ever happened.. And if they have cheated more do you think they will ever confess it or never confess others?


*While there is a solitary point in time where every cheater is virtuous, as with any new learned activity, it stands to reason that cheating obviously gets easier and easier over the due course of time! Kind of like riding a bicycle ~ once you learn how, you rarely, if ever, forget how to do it!

Confessions by the WS will rarely or never occur for as long as their adventure in infidelity continues to go undetected, or they experience a sudden emotional change toward their BS and their wanton cheating actions!*


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Its possible to catch them when they physically cheat the first time. However, they have already succumbed to pressure/temptation, justified it, and cheated several times in their mind. This includes those that ponder an affair for weeks or months and those who are "picked up" for a quickie in the back seat or a one night stand. Ain't no such thing as, "It just happened" any more than shop lifting, buying drugs, willful property damage, et cetera.


This is a good point. A person in a PA may well have never had a PA before. But I bet if you look, there are EA's or, at the very least, very loose boundaries prior to the PA. Going to bed is not the first step. The first step is usually about 100 steps before. That first time you feel let down that "he" isn't at work today. The first time you plan what you are going to wear to the district meeting based on what might catch "his" notice, etc. The first time your spouse asks "who are you texting," and you lies and say your friend Judy.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> This is a good point. A person in a PA may well have never had a PA before. But I bet if you look, there are EA's or, at the very least, very loose boundaries prior to the PA. Going to bed is not the first step. The first step is usually about 100 steps before. That first time you feel let down that "he" isn't at work today. The first time you plan what you are going to wear to the district meeting based on what might catch "his" notice, etc. The first time your spouse asks "who are you texting," and you lies and say your friend Judy.


 ^This^ is exactly what jerks my chain when WSs say it was A (one/singular) mistake. It was 100s if not 1000s of choices and decisions that lead to one penultimate choice that can't be walked back.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> ^This^ is exactly what jerks my chain when WSs say it was A (one/singular) mistake. It was 100s if not 1000s of choices and decisions that lead to one penultimate choice that can't be walked back.



Why is it the penultimate choice and not the last choice that can’t be walked back?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Edmund said:


> Why is it the penultimate choice and not the last choice that can’t be walked back?


Because the lying and deception that is sure to follow would be the last choice. Would it not?


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Because the lying and deception that is sure to follow would be the last choice. Would it not?



Yes I guess that’s so.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> ^This^ is exactly what jerks my chain when WSs say it was A (one/singular) mistake. It was 100s if not 1000s of choices and decisions that lead to one penultimate choice that can't be walked back.


Not defending WS's at all, but really there is not another way to have an affair w/o doing that and making those decisions. 
My therapist kinda put it as the singular mistake was the flawed mindset of the cheater in allowing it to start, but once it's on, the deception has to continue until something caves in.
What they were missing was empathy, selflessness and moral compass to stop it from starting. 
Is like drugs, once you decide to take it and feel the high, you are screwed....


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

You guys are wrong. I confessed. I was 100% truthful. It was my first time and I never did it again. 
You dump all cheaters into one neat little box that some of us don't fit into.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

katies said:


> You guys are wrong. I confessed. I was 100% truthful. It was my first time and I never did it again.
> You dump all cheaters into one neat little box that some of us don't fit into.


Do you think you are the rule or the exception....truthfully?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Exception. Read my post POI. this “all of them” and 100% crap just no. That’s not all of us.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Not defending WS's at all, but really there is not another way to have an affair w/o doing that and making those decisions.
> My therapist kinda put it as the singular mistake was the flawed mindset of the cheater in allowing it to start, but once it's on, the deception has to continue until something caves in.
> What they were missing was empathy, selflessness and moral compass to stop it from starting.
> Is like drugs, once you decide to take it and feel the high, you are screwed....


 That's like saying driving down a one-way street is the fault of getting a driver's license. If you really want to parse it out as such then it was the cheater's parents fault. You can chase that "choice inside of choice" loop back to birth. "If I didn't do that then I wouldn't have had this happen"
@katies What made you confess? 
I think therein lies the fact of whether we were wrong or not. 
You never told your BS one single lie about your cheating? I'm guessing that's what you are saying we are wrong about.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

katies said:


> Exception. Read my post POI. this “all of them” and 100% crap just no. That’s not all of us.


I think there were a few who mentioned that it isn't everyone or something similar. The trouble is, since you are the exception, and the pain for a BS is enough for some to commit suicide and sometimes even murder, have the cheese slide off their cracker(lose their mind for real), and have their lives changed forever even if they are still sane, know they can never love the same again, plus the realization that they were duped and there is no guarantee it will never happen again, please understand, it's much safer to continue to support the idea, "once a cheater, always a cheater", by stating it over and over, than to allow oneself to be so horribly hurt again. 

Because, most BS' here are just men and women doing the best they can, some may tell you that they have met women or men who they know have been unfaithful and they are attractive, comforting, supportive, and loving... until they aren't. It's damn hard to know who will not cheat again, like you, and who will. 

I am sorry that you felt hurt by folks, including me at times, posting about not being able to trust and telling others it isn't safe to trust someone who has betrayed your deepest emotional and physical connection. I hope you will set down the baton or pass it on. I hope you will find solace in the confidence you build in yourself, to do that soon.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> You guys are wrong. I confessed. I was 100% truthful. It was my first time and I never did it again.
> You dump all cheaters into one neat little box that some of us don't fit into.


Doesn't mean you deserved a second chance with the guy you cheated on though. I think that is all some of us are saying.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Here is the thing, I truly believe that cheating is in the cheaters nature but that doesn't mean people can't work very hard to temper that nature. It's still a big risk though and one I would not be willing to take. Besides when you read the stories the pain just doesn't seem worth it. 

Having fallen in love with more then one person and just as strong I might add, the baggage just isn't worth the reward.

One thing that I have grown to believe though is most WS just don't think like people who won't cheat. It's interesting to me the manor or discussion by even the very remorseful WS. I just read the other day, something from a WS people would say is really very remorseful. They said I had no idea the amount of pain I would cause my BS, ignoring the fact that you have to be an idiot not to get that this sentence doesn't reflect well on them even if the point is now they get that it would and would never do it again. I mean my thought as a BS would be it took you to see my pain to get you to see how awful a thing it was to do? 

They never seem to be concerned what the action says about them as a person especially while they are doing it, but even after. Like that statement to me is a tell. It tells me that you word really means nothing to you. I cheated because I didn't know how much it would hurt my spouse but I learned my lesson. Um why didn't you care about being the type of person who give their word and then abandons it like it means absolutely nothing. Do you care about that now? How about in other things?

It goes back to this whole thing of thinking if they never get caught then cheating is OK. The thought No harm no foul, who does it hurt if no one knows. But they do hurt a person when they do that, they hurt themselves. It's just that there is never any honor with most of these people. Even the most remorseful seems to come up severely lacking but I guess that is just par for the course right. Like if they had honor they wouldn't do it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

sokillme said:


> One thing that I have grown to believe though is most WS just don't think like people who won't cheat. It's interesting to me the manor or discussion by even the very remorseful WS. I just read the other day, something from a WS people would say is really very remorseful. They said I had no idea the amount of pain I would cause my BS, ignoring the fact that you have to be an idiot not to get that this sentence doesn't reflect well on them even if the point is now they get that it would and would never do it again. I mean my thought as a BS would be it took you to see my pain to get you to see how awful a thing it was to do?
> 
> They never seem to be concerned what the action says about them as a person especially while they are doing it, but even after. Like that statement to me is a tell. It tells me that you word really means nothing to you. I cheated because I didn't know how much it would hurt my spouse but I learned my lesson. Um why didn't you care about being the type of person who give their word and then abandons it like it means absolutely nothing. Do you care about that now? How about in other things?
> 
> It goes back to this whole thing of thinking if they never get caught then cheating is OK. The thought No harm no foul, who does it hurt if no one knows. But they do hurt a person when they do that, they hurt themselves. It's just that there is never any honor with most of these people. Even the most remorseful seems to come up severely lacking but I guess that is just par for the course right. Like if they had honor they wouldn't do it.


My WW definitely fell into the "No Harm, No Foul" group. For years, she had told herself so many lies to justify her infidelity that she really believed them to be true. Your take on the great awakening at DD was surreal for me. 2 things that stood out.

She really didn't think I would react with hurt and pain, she told me... "I really didn't think you cared."

At DD she is totally remorseful, only wants me, will do anything to save our marriage... 15 minutes prior she is emailing her AP planning their future, talking about sex when they meet again. 

Conclusion, don't waste your time trying to understand the mindset of a cheater.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

katies said:


> Exception. Read my post POI. this “all of them” and 100% crap just no. That’s not all of us.


I agree that "all," "always," and "never" are words that are almost never entirely accurate. However, there are patterns and generalizations that do exist for most, I believe.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Rubix Cubed said:


> That's like saying driving down a one-way street is the fault of getting a driver's license. If you really want to parse it out as such then it was the cheater's parents fault. You can chase that "choice inside of choice" loop back to birth. "If I didn't do that then I wouldn't have had this happen"
> 
> @katies What made you confess?
> .


Most of all, the fact that he deserved to know who he was married to so he could leave, if he wanted to. 

Even those I think ppl like me are the exception, I do believe many of us exist. Many folks here are spouting numbers I just don't agree with.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

katies said:


> Most of all, the fact that he deserved to know who he was married to so he could leave, if he wanted to.
> 
> Even those I think ppl like me are the exception, I do believe many of us exist. Many folks here are spouting numbers I just don't agree with.


I kept up with your thread but it has been a while. I cannot remember who cheated first or any of that. 

The thing is that 1) IF you are you H truly reconciled on both sides, and 2) If you guys are now in a happy healthy marriage, that is open and honest and rewarding in every area, and 3) neither of you actually ate the crap sandwich that was handed to them....

Then you two guys are a minority of minorities when it comes to infidelity. Almost no one ever really recovers from something like this in any real healthy way. Usually one or the other settles because it is easier...

You should realize that if the above paragraph describes your marriage at all, them you are the luckiest of the luckiest.

And there are VERY few people like you and your H...


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

^^^ I am very thankful for us. But we didn't give up. And there were several days, weeks, months where I said to myself we'll never survive this. But our friendship (yes friendship) prevailed and our value system righted itself again. Many talks, communication, therapy sessions ensued and that allowed us to fall in love again. 
I think people give up too easily. I think people's need for justice and a "you won't do this to me" without even attempting to understand the human condition or attempt forgiveness is a sad commentary about people in general.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

katies said:


> ^^^ I am very thankful for us. But we didn't give up. And there were several days, weeks, months where I said to myself we'll never survive this. But our friendship (yes friendship) prevailed and our value system righted itself again. Many talks, communication, therapy sessions ensued and that allowed us to fall in love again.
> 
> I think people give up too easily. I think people's need for justice and a "you won't do this to me" without even attempting to understand the human condition or attempt forgiveness is a sad commentary about people in general.


I have to disagree with you on the last part. The first thing that has to happen is that both of the people have to WANT to work on it. 

And then you have the ones that try to nice back their cheating spouse and that NEVER works. 

Further, some people just cannot handle it, and it is a deal breaker. 

But very few couples, esp with double infidelity, actually want to work hard enough to keep the marriage. 

I would not, and I have survived it, but never again, in the end that was not even the biggest problem. 

But for me, and for the rest of my life, I have ZERO patience for any kind of infidelity or drama of any kind. I told many woman that very thing and they did not believe me, until I broke up with them. 

But I just don't have time for any of that in my life anymore. 

But I am happy for you and your H...


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

katies said:


> You guys are wrong. I confessed. I was 100% truthful. It was my first time and I never did it again.
> You dump all cheaters into one neat little box that some of us don't fit into.


katies, the only thing is, how are you so certain that you will never be able to do it again? Most people that cheat never ever thought they would ever do something like that, yet they did.
Is not about dumping all cheaters into a box, but that the driving forces and behaviors that lead to and occur during cheating are all of a very similar and predictive pattern.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

CantBelieveThis said:


> katies, the only thing is, how are you so certain that you will never be able to do it again? Most people that cheat never ever thought they would ever do something like that, yet they did.
> Is not about dumping all cheaters into a box, but that the driving forces and behaviors that lead to and occur during cheating are all of a very similar and predictive pattern.



why wouldn't anyone do it, even those who have never cheated before? 
EAsy, because I changed my value system. I'm not a liar anymore. I'm an honest truth teller. I changed myself, that's why. Why won't you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's true that not all cheaters choose to cheat again but the spouse who's been cheated on shouldn't count on that. Trusting a cheater going forward is the risk of R because you can never be sure it won't happen again. They may know it won't but you don't know. The truth is you should never think it can't happen the first time but until we're burned most of us didn't think it actually would happen. Afterward, we know it can happen and so trust is much less than before. As it should be.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

katies said:


> why wouldn't anyone do it, even those who have never cheated before?
> EAsy, because I changed my value system. I'm not a liar anymore. I'm an honest truth teller. I changed myself, that's why. Why won't you?


*"I'm not a liar anymore."* Good katies, you response is exactly like my WW. Not trying to be prying, but I ask before and you didn't respond.... did you confess before being caught? My WW cheated for years, multiple OM, never confessed even when I suspected and asked what's going on. To the BS it does make a difference.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

katies said:


> why wouldn't anyone do it, even those who have never cheated before?
> EAsy, because I changed my value system. I'm not a liar anymore. I'm an honest truth teller. I changed myself, that's why. Why won't you?


Assuming you are an exception, let's face it, best case scenario you're still just that; an *exception* 

Some odds just aren't in your favor.

0.05% chance the wayward spouse is telling the truth and there's hope for reconciliation.
99.95% chance the wayward spouse is still lying and the betrayed spouse will be better with someone else.

Think folks should take the latter option.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

RWB said:


> katies said:
> 
> 
> > why wouldn't anyone do it, even those who have never cheated before?
> ...


It’s like someone looking you in the eyes and saying trust me. After proving that they are not trustworthy for years. 
And like everything in life,the first time is the hardest. After that it becomes easier.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Assuming you are an exception, let's face it, best case scenario you're still just that; an *exception*
> 
> Some odds just aren't in your favor.
> 
> ...


It took her ten years but my ex wife cheated a second time. She swore she would never do it again but her promises were worth nothing. The biggest regret in my life is that I took her back the first time. 
I'm dating a great woman now but I have told her if I even feel like I should be checking up on her then I'm walking. 
As someone said earlier, life is too short.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

RWB said:


> *"I'm not a liar anymore."* Good katies, you response is exactly like my WW. Not trying to be prying, but I ask before and you didn't respond.... did you confess before being caught? My WW cheated for years, multiple OM, never confessed even when I suspected and asked what's going on. To the BS it does make a difference.


I did confess.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Openminded said:


> It's true that not all cheaters choose to cheat again but the spouse who's been cheated on shouldn't count on that. Trusting a cheater going forward is the risk of R because you can never be sure it won't happen again. They may know it won't but you don't know. The truth is you should never think it can't happen the first time but until we're burned most of us didn't think it actually would happen. Afterward, we know it can happen and so trust is much less than before. As it should be.


anyone can cheat at any time. I believe a reformed cheater has a LESS likelihood of cheating again.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

katies said:


> Openminded said:
> 
> 
> > It's true that not all cheaters choose to cheat again but the spouse who's been cheated on shouldn't count on that. Trusting a cheater going forward is the risk of R because you can never be sure it won't happen again. They may know it won't but you don't know. The truth is you should never think it can't happen the first time but until we're burned most of us didn't think it actually would happen. Afterward, we know it can happen and so trust is much less than before. As it should be.
> ...


I have never been cheated on so my opinion may not count in your opinion. However I look on it like this, if something has proven unreliable in the past,let’s say a car,why risk the chance that it won’t break down again. Especially on a long journey which may have some rocky patches to cover. 
Even if it is serviced,new tyres,complete health check. There is always a little voice saying this is not a vehicle you should trust. 
You of course can disagree,that is your prerogative but it doesn’t change things. 
You’re better off with a car that has never let you down.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> You’re better off with a car that has never let you down.


and I believe you're better off with a person who's done the work and is intentional about life instead of simply floating through it, like most people.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

katies said:


> and I believe you're better off with a person who's done the work and is intentional about life instead of simply floating through it, like most people.


I’m not clear on what you are getting at.What do you mean by “simply floating through life”.
Do you think because someone hasn’t gone through what you have it disenfranchises their opinions?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I think most people don't live with intention.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> katies said:
> 
> 
> > and I believe you're better off with a person who's done the work and is intentional about life instead of simply floating through it, like most people.
> ...


I think she means people who are so blinded by "I would never" that they arent careful and mindful.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the 'thing'....

If you cheat 'once' and that episode is less then pleasant or 'humdrum' nice, it is easier to eschew that sensual fork in the road again.

......................................................................................................................................................................

Howdy ever, if the first 'tryst' is very delightful, congenial genital, then one goes back for more of this dish.

The entree' becomes regular fare.

Sometimes the AP seems ever so much more desirable. 
Especially in the incensed laden smoke, the chemical Fog of the Affair.

Having an affair with a bummer, does not inspire one to do a repeat performance.

Tried it once, did that, done that.

No more {what if's} flooding one's imagination.

..................................................................................................................

Often times, the cheating once is not done in loving lust and loving passion, it is done so via revenge.

Revenge affairs are normally done as punishment actions against one's spouse.
Some sort of get-even. 

This type of affair could, in fact, be a one-offer.

Jump on the AP once, never do so again with anyone else.



Just Sayin'





[THRD]


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

katies said:


> and I believe you're better off with a person who's done the work and is intentional about life instead of simply floating through it, like most people.


Hang in there. 
Do not let them knock you off your stallion.

This is a tough place for those that appear 'different'.
For those that 'sound off', differently.

Kinda' like society-at-large.

"Those that have never sinned should throw the first stones".
Does this, "Sound familiar?"

I agree, there are exceptions.
I also agree there are many repeat offenders.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

katies said:


> anyone can cheat at any time. I believe a reformed cheater has a LESS likelihood of cheating again.


"Reformed" is the key word. Only the cheater knows if they're actually reformed. The betrayed spouse doesn't know that because they can't be inside the cheater's head. They have to take it on trust and that often is a losing game. I know that all too well.


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