# My husband left me, claims he doesn't love me anymore...



## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

I apologize in advance for the fact I practically wrote a novel. I understand if you skip reading it. <_<

A few weeks ago, my husband of five years (we've been together seven) revealed that he doesn't love me anymore. This came as a complete shock to me, as I was totally unaware he had any doubts about his feelings toward me. He wasn't one for talking about his emotions, despite my many attempts to get him to open up to me. I knew he was unhappy in general though, that was apparent. He has seemed extremely depressed ever since the birth of our daughter back in June of '10 (we have two children together). He seemed irritable and listless, and I wasn't sure why. I had thought, at the time, it was because of his lack of employment. He hadn't had a stable job since the birth of our son in '07 and I knew that upset him. Yet he never made an attempt to change his situation, which I'll get to a little later. 

Anyway, then sometime in late 2010 he began playing an online game that I had previously forbidden in our home. The reason I had forbidden it was because when we first lived together he cheated on me for almost a year (behind my back) though means of explicit IMs and webcam chats. All with a woman from that game. However, I forgave him and let him back into my home on the agreement he would never play that game again. I did this because we were both young at the time and new to long-term commitment (he was 19) and I was his first girlfriend and therefore his first ever serious relationship.

Fast forward to 2010 and he's back to playing it. I should have been furious, I know, but I trusted him after so many years of marriage. I even tried to play it with him! Yet he just ignored me for the most part, so I quit. He, however, did not quit. In fact, after I quit he played even more. Eventually he started hanging out with a younger girl in-game all the time. I'd catch him smiling and laughing at the computer while he was talking to her. Meanwhile, he started completely ignoring me and our kids. After awhile, he became so engrossed in the game and his friendship with her that he never did anything else. He'd forget to feed our kids until they started annoying him for food (I'd end up feeding them), or do the simple tasks I asked him 10 times to do.

This led to arguments between us. Basically me telling him he had to start searching for a job (I was making ends meet on my own) or that it upset me how much time he spent on there, talking to that girl. I was in desperate need of his help daily, since I have fibromyalgia and bad pain my my legs (since having my daughter), and he was never willing to help me. I'd beg him to bathe the kids, and I usually had to end up doing it on my own, which hurt. So yes, the arguments ensued. Still, while I knew he was becoming increasingly distant, I never considered that he didn't love me. He'd still take me aside and tell me he loved me and how beautiful I was on a pretty regular basis. 

That was until recently (about November), when all of the sudden he just shut down emotionally. It was like he just turned off what little romance we had and began to treat me with anger and indifference. Which of course, led to more arguments. Everytime I tried to get to the bottom of what was going on, he'd act as if I were crazy. Then I'd storm out of the room in frustration. It became a daily occurance toward the end. Still, I never dreamed in a million years he'd end our marriage. Not after all we'd been through, after all I put up with off of him. I thought that me taking him back after the betrayal of what he did made our bond stronger, but apparently not. I finally got fed up with his behavior and gave him an ultimatium, me or the game. He was quite angry, but he chose me. 

The next week that followed was horrible. He was incredibly mean to me and I could tell he resented me for making him quit. So one night, after him being mean to me again, I confronted him about his feelings. At first he wouldn't admit anything, just that he was depressed and unhappy. Finally I said, "Do you love me?" and he replied, "I love you, but it isn't the same." So of course I was like, what the heck? So I said, "Do you have romantic feelings for me in the way a man does for his wife?" and he said that he loved me but he did not have romantic feelings for me anymore. Of course, I was devestated. However, this revelation was like some new lease on life for him. Shortly after our talk he decided he was moving down to Texas to live with his mom (he has no family, besides me and the kids, in the state we live in). I asked him if he was coming back, and he said he didn't know. He claimed he was confused and wanted to sort out his feelings away from me, but that he still loved me. In fact, he kept wearing his wedding ring.

This brings me to the last two weeks. He's been in Texas, meanwhile I'm caring for our children alone. While he's only been gone a short period of time he's completely shut off any remaining feelings he had for me. Now he claims he's unhappy and he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to be married anymore. That he can't ever see us being happy again. Of course at first I was hurt and angered by this sudden ephiphany, but eventually I decided anger wasn't the answer. So I brought up the possiblity of him coming back and us working on our marriage, especially because we have two young children together (who are very attached to their Daddy). I suggested marriage counseling and "dating" again. Rebuilding our marriage from the ground up. Needless to say, he shot me down cold. Now I can't have a civil conversation with him. I'm just too angry and upset. He offers no explanation for anything, he has no answers. 

I just can't believe it put up with five years of him refusing to look for work, refusing to help me in any capacity and then he leaves me. I simply don't understand how your feelings can just "disappear" overnight, because according to him he had them and then they went *poof*. He wronged me in a ton of ways and yet I never stopped loving him. Even now, I still love his sorry butt. And the worst thing is, he knew about his lack of feelings for a long time and pretended to still have them for me and let me think he loved me like some naive fool. Oh yes, and this class act also dumped me the week of Valentine's day. I forgot to mention that. Just a month before our five year wedding anniversary. In fact, he even picked out the restaurant for our anniversary dinner.. fully knowing he didn't love me.

I just feel like such an idiot. For ever taking him back, for trusting him, for believing he loved me. It's like he's a complete stranger. I don't even know if he ever really loved me or who I even married. He's been so cold to me since he left. How could you do all this to someone you loved? Who had your babies? Who took care of you for seven years? It's just mind boggling to me. I wish there was some way to salvage our marriage, but even if he wanted to (which he's made clear he doesn't).. I don't know if it would work. How do you ever trust a person like that again? I just feel so lost. So incredibly destroyed. I'm trying to keep it together for our children, who are both begging for him daily, but it's hard. I just want this pain to go away...

Oh, by the way he still wants to be my friend! What a joke...

(Any feedback, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. I'm so hurt, confused and lonely right now.)

Edit: I also wanted to mention he maintains he has no feelings for the girl he was talking to in-game, but I have no reason to believe him. I definitely think it was a factor in his losing feelings for me. Even if he never acted on his feelings for her, I believe he had them and that they were enough to make him want something more than what I had to offer.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Chibi...

forgive my honesty. It sounds like he's done you a favour. He's been a bad husband and a bad father. Now he's setting you free to find a good man for you and a good father for the children. 

If I were you, I'd write him a letter, thanking him for setting you free for a new life and wishing him well in his. That it's sad that neither of you were able to be happy with the other, but so be it. Let him know you accept divorce and even, give him some indication that you've looked into it and suggest practical ways of proceeding. 


If he still has feelings for you, this letter will have an effect on him and he might try and win you back - and then you can set your terms by making sure he respects you and gets a job before you let him back in your home. 

But if he doesn't, or isn't willing to be a man - you have your self-respect and you can start moving on and getting yourself organized for divorce. I would consult a lawyer asap, know your rights and make sure he knows them too. 

Many blessings to you. I hope you have some support IRL, but if not, at least there is this supportive forum.


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

Hazel -

You're right. I know in my heart you are. It's just really hard to come to terms with. I think for years I've been tricking myself into thinking he was this loving person, when in reality he was never there for me emotionally. I know it's time to move on. I'm going to take your suggestion and write him an email. At the very least, I hope it will offer me some sort of closure. I just wish it didn't have to end this way, that he had come to me with these concerns earlier when our marriage might have been saved. It's too late now though, he's damaged me beyond repair. I plan on calling the lawyer tomorrow. Thanks again for your response, I don't have a whole lot of support IRL.. basically just my sister. So anything, even from a stranger, means a lot to me.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I agree his been a bum for 7 years sorry but if you are not going to take responibility when you have kids youare not capable of ever having responsibility for anything. Be strong for yor kids I can understand that it is hard right now but believe in yourself and your kids that they will not turn out like their father and be a coward and run. I think you need time to accept the fact that he doesnt love you and he isnt man enough to work it out even for the kids sake. Good luck and keep your chin up, you tried he lost out not you believe me when he grows up he will realise what he had


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

s.k -

You're right about the responsibility thing, he never took responsibility for anything - our situation, the kids, me, his actions. Nothing. I really do hope my kids, when they are older, are able to learn (from his actions) how not to treat someone you love. My father walked out on us when I was the exact same age as my son, and while it hurt me incredibly bad (and continues to hurt me as my kids beg for their Daddy) I learned from his mistake. Which is why I was committed to my marriage and to my husband. I never wanted things to end this way, but it's really out of my hands at this point. He's just not the man I married, or the friend I loved. But I'm going to try, as you said, to keep my chin up. I really hope to grow from this experience and end up in a better place emotionally once the dust has settled. I'm just terrified that once I do, he'll come knocking again...


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

HazelGrove said:


> If I were you, I'd write him a letter, thanking him for setting you free for a new life and wishing him well in his. That it's sad that neither of you were able to be happy with the other, but so be it. Let him know you accept divorce and even, give him some indication that you've looked into it and suggest practical ways of proceeding.


I went ahead and wrote the letter you suggested. I feel a lot better. Of course I still love him, but I am now ready to move on and be free of him. I've had a lot of time to think these past three weeks while he's been gone and I realize he was bringing me down... way down. I'm actually a little excited to see what a future without him holds for me. I'm still young and I don't want to waste one more second of my time on a man who doesn't love me. I'm done with being his doormat. It's over.


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

Just a quick follow-up to my original post. I spoke with a girl who was an acquaintance of my husband on the game he played (see original post for details). I told her about him leaving and she randomly goes, "Not to pry, but does this have anything to do with a certain person he was ALWAYS with?". And I asked her who she meant, and she proceeded to name the girl he was constantly talking to - the one he claimed I was "crazy" for getting angry over. Apparently, this girl (the acquaintance) also thought there was something going on between them. In fact, quite a few people did. So I guess I'm not so crazy after all! He was definitely having an EA. It's just nice to have a little validation from a third party. Just goes to prove, he was nothing but a liar.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Sorry to hear about the EA, but well done for writing the letter and getting on with your life! Whatever happens in the future, you have empowered yourself and it will be a much happier and stronger future for you. Good luck


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

HazelGrove said:


> Sorry to hear about the EA, but well done for writing the letter and getting on with your life! Whatever happens in the future, you have empowered yourself and it will be a much happier and stronger future for you. Good luck


Thanks Hazel. I'm trying to keep it together as much as possible and tell myself this is all for the best. It's hard, but I want to be strong for my children. Last night I really stopped to examine my relationship with my husband for the first time since our split, and I realized I hadn't been happy in a long, long time. In fact, my brother was talking to me today and said he'd never wanted to tell me before, but that he was worried about how depressed I'd become. He said that for awhile now he could see me becoming more and more unhappy, so much so that he said I was pretty much the shell of my former self (my pre-husband self) and that it made him sad. He mentioned how out-going and bubbly I used to be before my husband. He seemed very sincere when he said it, not just jumping on that "lets bash the ex" bandwagon. And what he said really resonated with me. 

I've been somewhat of a zombie for awhile now and I think I'd just gotten used to it. I had been so depressed about my health and my husband's lack of affection for me that I just became sort of empty. However, I couldn't let my depression affect the day to day so I pushed it down deep inside and put on a brave face. I did so so I could get out of bed in the morning and care for my children and be a wife to my husband. I know my husband is depressed, and I've tried for a long time to offer him positive reinforcement and motivate him. I even encouraged him to enroll in college (which he did recently). I did everything I could to support him for over seven years. Yet he never cared how I felt, physically or emotionally, or that I was basically empty inside. Even now he acts like I should just turn off my emotions and be friendly with him after all he's done. I'm just sick of it. As far as I'm concerned he's moved on and I'm moving on also. I have no obligation to him anymore, he walked out on me that was his decision. I'm finally going to work on reestablishing my true identity. I want to be the person I thought was lost. The person I was before he made me feel worthless. The true me. Not the watered down version I've become. My kids deserve the best Mom possible.


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## Hurst (Mar 7, 2012)

Well, I guess this is normal behavior. I'm really sorry to admit that. But men don't like kids. They want their life back. Their life when it was just the two of you and you were happy. Probably he is just tired of changing diapers and you don't have much time to spend together.
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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

Hurst said:


> Well, I guess this is normal behavior. I'm really sorry to admit that. But men don't like kids. They want their life back. Their life when it was just the two of you and you were happy. Probably he is just tired of changing diapers and you don't have much time to spend together.
> ___________
> free mkv to avi converter


I'm going to have to disagree with you, he's actually quite attached to our children. In fact, he cried quite a bit before leaving and after leaving. He considered coming home just to be with them, but concluded that it was a bad move since he can't see himself being with me anymore. Was he helpful when it came to our children? At times he could be. I think his addiction to that game and the girl on it really hampered his affection for anything else. 

I just really don't believe it's a gender thing. It's a person thing. Unkind people are unkind people, regardless of gender. He cheated on me when it was just the two of us. I don't feel like I've ever been enough for him in his eyes. That's something that is a problem inside him, it has nothing to do with being a man. A lot of women leave their husbands and children. Kids, just like marriage, are a commitment. Some people simply aren't capable of committing to anything, even the people they love the most. My husband is one of those people. He can pour himself into a game, but another person? Forget it.

Either way, if he supposedly wants his life back.. he's got it. Living at his mother's house, playing on his laptop all day. Hope it was worth it to him. I'm certainly not waiting around to find out.


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

Just an update to my original post. I was right in my accusations, my husband is in a romantic relationship with the teenage girl he met on the game he plays. So he was cheating on me all along. I logged onto his amazon account to see if he'd mailed anything to our two year old daughter for her birthday. No birthday present. Instead I found a silver and diamond pendant that had been mailed to his girlfriend using MY amazon prime membership. Gotta love that. I feel like such a fool for ever letting him into my heart.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

He is a horrible husband this works in your favor. (Sorry if it sounds rude) i think you deserve much better. 

I wish you best of luck

we all make mistakes some people take forever to realize the mistakes they made do not feel bad.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I hope your next husband will be someone who is financially stable, honest, decent, and loves you to bits... and will be an excellent father to your kids. I hope you will find someone who will be the man you deserve. Waste as little time as possible with this immature, irresponsible, dishonest ex-husband and find someone who truly values and cherishes you as his wife. My best wishes to you.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Chibi, although our circumstances are different in how we arrived, we are in similar situations presently. Stand your ground and stay positive for yourself. Always trust your gut instinct. You will learn after the fact that not only were you right, but it will probably be much worse than you thought. Everything happens for a reason, and in every bad situation, something good will come out of it. Stop focusing your attention on him, hes broken. Redirect that wasted energy to yourself and your children. Learn what a 180 is and work on you. Continue to post here. It has done wonders for me.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

A few questions:

1) Did you replace your emotional connection with him with your children?

2) Do you with hold sex? How often do you have sex?

3) Do you give affection to him often?

4) He sits around playing video games when he doesn't have a job?

Your story only tells one side, and here are a couple of things from a man's perspective. He NEEDS sex regularly. This is biological. He NEEDS affection from you. If he doesn't get it, chances are he'll look elsewhere. AND you need to know that as the woman he loves, you are what makes going to work and everything else worthwhile. If you're not connecting with him, those things seem useless. 

Now before you think I'm dumping everything on you, he lies around playing video games when he doesn't have a job? That is unacceptable and you should tell him so. Not say he needs to look for a job. Tell him it is unacceptable. Cheating is unacceptable. If he wants to do those things, you're better off with him gone. I've had my own financial issues but always managed to feed my family, and never asked my wife to do it. And I've never cheated on her. Frankly if I hadn't made sure our kids were fed or if i had cheated on her, my wife would have kicked me to the curb and rightly so, regardless of anything she did or didn't do.

This really sounds like a cycle you two got into. He felt he needed to seek an emotional connection/affection elsewhere. You lost respect for him because of his crap, and didn't want to give him any. And one of you is going to have to be the first one to start trying to break it if things are going to work. 

But you have to accept that if he's unwilling to make an effort, you can't force him.


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

Drover said:


> A few questions:
> 
> 1) Did you replace your emotional connection with him with your children?
> 
> ...


To answer your questions:

1) I never replaced my connection with him for a connection with my kids. In fact, I loved him more after we had children together. I felt our bond was that much deeper because we created life together. So to answer this one, no.

2) I had sex with him as often as he would let me. I threw myself at him regularly. I liked sex quite a lot and was eager to have it. Having kids never hampered that aspect of our relationship. He was the one who put the breaks on the sex, because he was having an affair with someone else. 

3) I CONSTANTLY gave him affection. I was always trying to cuddle and snuggle with him. I'd come to bed and rub his back or run my hands through his hair. I always bought/made him thoughtful gifts that I put my heart into.

4) Yes. I tried to encourage him to better himself and he ignored me. I knew he had a ton of potential. I was constantly telling him how intelligent and talented he was. I complimented his artwork all the time.

I told him the no job thing was unacceptable regularly. It didn't make a difference. I would have left him, but I was committed to the sanctity of our marriage and my love for him. With all due respect I think you're make assumptions with little to no basis. You didn't know him, I did. And I may seem biased, but I'm not as biased as you think. I speak the truth and I loved him deeply. Could it be that he was just a sociopath? Because I think so. He is incapable of forming deep emotional bonds with other people. He left his kids like they never mattered to him. Why would he do that? Why would he punish his kids for something I supposedly caused? He wouldn't. Not if he really loved them. He's just a self-serving a-hole. Sorry, but it really doesn't get much deeper than that. You can try to break it apart and analyze it to death, but in the end that's what you get. He abandoned his family. I begged him back, I begged him to go to counseling and start fresh with me and he refused. If he were seeking affection and some emotional connection with me he would have come home and tried to work it out. He just wanted to date a teenager because he never could come to terms with the fact that he was no longer was one. He could not accept the reality of his responsibilities as a father and a husband. He wanted to stay a kid forever and play games and get off scott free. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I believe after the initial honeymoon period aka endorphins wore off he was done with me. That's why he cheated on me the first time. Then he felt some pang of regret and came back, but quickly regretted that decision as well. Unfortunately I was pregnant and he was stuck so he just played along. I'm not sure he ever really loved me. You don't desert someone you love. You don't cheat on someone you love. And you certainly don't treat someone you like like dirt after you've already stomped on their heart. So no, I don't agree with your view that he was seeking emotional satisfaction elsewhere. He was seeking something new and a chance to relive his fading youth. He's just a jerk, plain and simple. I hope he ends up miserable, because he deserves it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, chibi, sounds like you've answered your own questions. If he's a sociopath, you surely don't want him back. I know there are still lingering feelings of "love", but at this point I hope you are seeking legal advice to ensure financial support for your kids.

And I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It sounds awful. Please keep posting -- lots of good folk here.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

chibi, sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Take care of you. His day will come, and you wont have to lift a finger for him to crash and burn. He will do it to himself. You will be a better person and mom. When the time comes and you meet someone new, you will be a better wife for a responsible, faithful man. Hang in there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chibi said:


> I think for years I've been tricking myself into thinking he was this loving person, when in reality he was never there for me emotionally.


You were in love with your ideal of what a husband should be. A lot of people do this.

Remember that your love belongs to you. You decide how to use it and who to invest it in. You have been investing it in concept/ideal. 

Surely you were not really investing your love in a man who spent all his time online playing games ignoring you and your children.


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, chibi, sounds like you've answered your own questions. If he's a sociopath, you surely don't want him back. I know there are still lingering feelings of "love", but at this point I hope you are seeking legal advice to ensure financial support for your kids.
> 
> And I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It sounds awful. Please keep posting -- lots of good folk here.


You're completely right. I am proceeding with divorce and meeting with my lawyer this week. I just hope he finally mans up and gets a job. So far in four months he has made no attempts to seek employment, so it's not looking good.


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> chibi, sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Take care of you. His day will come, and you wont have to lift a finger for him to crash and burn. He will do it to himself. You will be a better person and mom. When the time comes and you meet someone new, you will be a better wife for a responsible, faithful man. Hang in there.


Thank you so much for your kind post. I really hope, for my kids sake, that he makes some kind of effort to be a part of their lives. They really miss him, and despite my negative feelings toward him I would never discourage them having a relationship with their father. It's their right to know their father and I'd never take that away from them.


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## chibi (Mar 5, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You were in love with your ideal of what a husband should be. A lot of people do this.
> 
> Remember that your love belongs to you. You decide how to use it and who to invest it in. You have been investing it in concept/ideal.
> 
> Surely you were not really investing your love in a man who spent all his time online playing games ignoring you and your children.


Unfortunately, I was and I feel like a fool. I don't have any excuses. I wanted him to be the man I thought he was when I married him because I cared about him and desperately wanted our marriage to survive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chibi,

Do you think that your husband still spends a lot of his time, or all of his time, playing computer games? 

My now exh (we divorced in March) does the same thing. He's been doing it for 10 years.

I truely believe that it becomes a mental illness. Perhaps something like agoraphobia. They become afraid to face life. It's just a lot easier for them to live in the fantasy online.... there are no responsibilities. If someone expects somthing form them they can just move on to another game.

The only thing that will snap your husband out of this is if he has to earn a living to support himself. 

Like me, you enabled your husband by not kicking him out a few months after he refused to get work. It sounds like his mother is now enabling him. 

You are doing the right thing for you and your children. If your husband is to ever find his own way back to mental health, he needs to do it on his own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chibi said:


> Unfortunately, I was and I feel like a fool. I don't have any excuses. I wanted him to be the man I thought he was when I married him because I cared about him and desperately wanted our marriage to survive.


Oh, don't beat yourself up too much for this. Many of us do it. Just learn from it. Some lessons in life have a high tuition that we pay.


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