# The Futility of Confronting Affair Partners



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Some great advice from Chump Lady..read this article! Do you agree with Chump Lady? What were your experiences with APs?

The Futility of Confronting Affair Partners

I love this section of the article:

*"It’s kibbles to your cheater. Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. “Stay away from my wife!” makes your wife really central. She’s getting a high off two men fighting for her. How fabulous. Maybe there’ll be a duel!

If cheater’s can’t have secret cake, they will settle for a public pick me dance. It’s all good. It’s all kibbles. Don’t participate in this sh!t!

You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. To compare notes. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not.

They might. And it might be a pack of lies! Consider the source. There might also be some truth in it — but how fvcked up is that? Would you really consider staying with a person who won’t tell you the truth — you have to get the details from their fvckbuddy? Really?

If you’ve been tempted to confront the affair partner — leave it to professionals. Have your lawyer write them a no contact letter. Ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a PI or become a computer snoop. Hand over the evidence to your lawyer. Don’t go all vigilante on this alone. Get professional support.

The point is to GET AWAY from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. You know what says “you are beneath contempt”? Filing for divorce. Letting the cheater have the AP. Walking away from this sh!t lets you maintain your dignity and self respect."*


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## riversoflife (Aug 12, 2013)

Yes, I did it all wrong.

It went exactly the way it was describe not to do.

But I have not said a word about it for about a month now. 

They get no more kibbles from me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

riversoflife said:


> Yes, I did it all wrong.
> 
> It went exactly the way it was describe not to do.
> 
> ...


Good for you! Chump lady gives great advice...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I spoke to my husband's other women. It's how I found out most of the details of the affairs. I think it depends on the situation.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I spoke to my husband's other women. It's how I found out most of the details of the affairs. I think it depends on the situation.


Sure no rule is absolute but overall I think this is pretty solid advice....


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Not only did I speak to the OM, stbxw told me months after the fact 
that OM and stbxw basically laughed at me. Makes sense now why she would even tell me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Burned said:


> Not only did I speak to the OM, stbxw told me months after the fact
> that OM and stbxw basically laughed at me. Makes sense now why she would even tell me.


And what did you say when she said they laughed at you?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I would agree that in general it isn't a good idea but often i may be of some benefit. 

I know this is unpopular but I am an advocate of beating the hell out of the OM. Why? Because it needs to be done in the land of men.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I would agree that in general it isn't a good idea but often i may be of some benefit.
> 
> I know this is unpopular but I am an advocate of beating the hell out of the OM. Why? Because it needs to be done in the land of men.


:rofl::rofl::rofl: That post made my night....


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Chump Lady certainly can state clearly what most of know but can't admit. I find her clarity and ease of telling like it is, scary.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Yeah her stuff rocks...


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Some great advice from Chump Lady..read this article! Do you agree with Chump Lady? What were your experiences with APs?
> 
> The Futility of Confronting Affair Partners
> 
> ...


I personally can't be bothered with the trashy skank my Ex was stupid enough to bang without a condom and get pregnant.

They deserve each other.

My ex thinks so much of himself he asked me "not to fight over him".

OMG how I laughed at that one. Deluded man.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> And what did you say when she said they laughed at you?


Said nothing, felt a knife in the side but said nothing.

I remember being hurt and digesting the conversation we had, it was the one where she told me her and OM professed their love for each other. Their laughing at me seemed small at the time.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Burned said:


> ...... OM and stbxw basically laughed at me.


I think they all laugh at the BS. 
They think it is funny that we have not figured it out.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Love chump lady!!! Another great post as always!!


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Love this qoute !

"2. They might actually be bat **** crazy. Yeah, there’s some irony in that, huh? Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic."
:rofl:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I thought it depended on what size bat you use.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Love Chomp Lady but I still want to know what the OW looks like.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

jupiter13 said:


> Love Chomp Lady but I still want to know what the OW looks like.


I can relate to this response. I want to know what POSOM looks like in a box . . .


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I got tired of the lies. The XOM lying to his wife, his pastor, etc. and the lies my wie ws telling. 

So, I called the XOM's employer, a meek Mennonite, who owns, a restaurant, an outlet store, and a specialty meat plant, I called the XOM's pastor and the XOM. I threatened and meant it when I said, I would hire street people from Philly to protest the meat plant, church, restaurant and outlet store with a Anti-adultery rally. I even told them how I was in the process of getting permits and how much it was going to cost me, so they knew I was serious. I called them on a Monday and said if the XOM did not confess to his wife that day and call me with all the details by 7 P.M. I would be heading to the XOM's house to start my rally. 

It worked for me but overall I do think chump lady has great advice.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Burned said:


> Not only did I speak to the OM, stbxw told me months after the fact
> that OM and stbxw basically laughed at me. Makes sense now why she would even tell me.


What did you say to the OM?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I sent my (future) fiance's EA and e-mail. I wanted to show her that I knew about her as much as she knew about me. It pissed her off that my fiance had given me her e-mail. that was the effect that I was looking for.

I've been wanting to let her know that I've seen the emails, texts and private messages, even though we are now 2 years moved on and he has done nothing to make me doubt him. that is, to let her know that some of this stuff could catch up with her......

I'm human........


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My wife's OM was one of her best friends, and also a casual friend to me for a long time. Something had to be said. We had a 3 email back and forth. Me to him, him back, then my last word. That was enough.

However, I do agree that there is no need to fend the OM/OW off with a stick over and over again. It's degrading.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I think they all laugh at the BS.
> They think it is funny that we have not figured it out.


Sadly, I think this is all too true.

Then, once they have been fully exposed we are supposed to take them back...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I want to contact OM, but I know who he is, where he works, his wife's contact info, even some of his siblings and kids -- yet I know I won't. 

I have seen pictures of him with my fWW, his "beach stud" picture he sent her in his swim trunks, yeah I have seen wayyyy too much of that asshat. If I ever do run into him, it won't be pretty, but I am not going to go looking for him. What would be the point? 

I doubt he'd laugh. I think he's going to be a bit cowed, if it comes to it. And I won't do violence unless/until it's visited on me. If I didn't beat my cheating W, why would I beat him? Takes two to tango. 

Ugh, now I'm just rambling.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> What did you say to the OM?


That if he didn't leave my wife alone I was going to find him and beat his #[email protected]! Where I went wrong is I let my stbxw off the hook, it was her calling him everytime. 

I look back now and wish I had just walked away. I was in a heavy fog and put stbxw on a pedestal that she didn't belong on.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you are going to contact the OM/W, you should do it in the spirit of dispelling any thats the OP had of being special.

Oh, so you really believe that we've stopped having sex.......

You really think that I know nothing about you.......

and so on........


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> If you are going to contact the OM/W, you should do it in the spirit of dispelling any thats the OP had of being special.
> 
> Oh, so you really believe that we've stopped having sex.......
> 
> ...


I may have mentioned to stbxw that if she could pass a message to OM, Tell him to enjoy my sloppy seconds.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I want to contact OM, but I know who he is, where he works, his wife's contact info, even some of his siblings and kids -- yet I know I won't.
> 
> I have seen pictures of him with my fWW, his "beach stud" picture he sent her in his swim trunks, yeah I have seen wayyyy too much of that asshat. If I ever do run into him, it won't be pretty, but I am not going to go looking for him. What would be the point?
> 
> ...


It five the OM/W power over you they should not have...but I also uinderstand where morbid curiosity sets it...


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

When I first discovered my wife and her OM in a photo together on a friendf's FB page and confronted her, I went pretty ballistic, saw the red-mist and was all ready to go and confront him.
I asked my wife where he lived and with a bemused look on her face said: _"Ummm....by all means go and confront OM...he isn't a violent man, he's not into that - he might even let you take the first swing, but he'd put you out with one punch"_

Given that the OM was ex-military and a builder, I thought better of it. No point in a double-humiliation, right?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

davecarter said:


> Given that the OM was ex-military and a builder, I thought better of it. No point in a double-humiliation, right?


Your wife is just another cowardly cheater who deliberately separated from you so she could pursue/continue her affair.

She's not the woman of integrity and loyalty that you married. That's why you should think better of it. She's not worth it, mate.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well it may have helped me. When I was told that someone was sniffing around my wife while we were separated 20 years ago I went round to his place of work and told him I would do my best to punch the living snot out of him if he touched my wife.

He denied anything as did my wife she said that although he had a rep he was more interested in going after the Portuguese girls who were being used as cheap labour where I live and wasn't interested in her. 

Interestingly, shortly after this my wife wanted to start trying again, could be pure coincidence I suppose but I do wonder if my confronting in an aggressive manner (note! aggressive and assertive, not violent.) nipped things in the bud.

I know that modern technology is blamed for facilitating affairs but it also helps in providing proof that there is an affair. Something that was sorely lacking for me back in the day.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I spoke to my husband's other women. It's how I found out most of the details of the affairs. I think it depends on the situation.


Me to, 45 minutes of owning that mongrel - a lot of detail. Virtually nothing from my WS. Ended up in court with an AVO against me which the Magistrate dismissed yesterday. Coward didn't bother showing up. His plan all along - a shot across the bow when I got too close. Waste of time but somewhat satisfying listening to him sh!t himself.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I would agree that in general it isn't a good idea but often i may be of some benefit.
> 
> I know this is unpopular but I am an advocate of beating the hell out of the OM. Why? Because it needs to be done in the land of men.


Reading that, made my Testosterone level jump to a 100% HUA


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

davecarter said:


> When I first discovered my wife and her OM in a photo together on a friendf's FB page and confronted her, I went pretty ballistic, saw the red-mist and was all ready to go and confront him.
> I asked my wife where he lived and with a bemused look on her face said: _*"Ummm....by all means go and confront OM...he isn't a violent man, he's not into that - he might even let you take the first swing, but he'd put you out with one punch"*_
> 
> Given that the OM was ex-military and a builder, I thought better of it. No point in a double-humiliation, right?


This really made me sick....your wife is a piece of work....she has zero respect for you...


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Some great advice from Chump Lady..read this article! Do you agree with Chump Lady? What were your experiences with APs?
> 
> The Futility of Confronting Affair Partners
> 
> ...


Excellent Advise! :smthumbup:

As Chumplady pointed out, having your attorney handle any communications with the AP can be fun and intimidating for the AP. Suddenly things get "real". The outcome is not as important as the power play. You win.

As my Court date neared, one of the OW contacted me on facebook, explaining that her and my Ex were "just friends", and that she was on my side. I had to laugh at that one. So yes, I communicated with her for a bit, on purpose, telling her off with the understanding that the communication was going to be delivered to my attorney. I baited her. I scared her. I forced her to admit certain truths, then tossed her over to my attorney. She was sent a subpoena and had to appear in Court. Scared the crap out of her. I did not speak to her, but we locked eyes. I meant business.

My attorney took her into a separate room and asked her questions. It was decided that she was not going to admit to having sex with my Ex, only that they were "friends" and they met each other on several occasions. We decided not to use her testimony and allowed her to leave. We (my attorney and I) were in charge of her attendance. She had no control whatsoever.

I felt wonderful having the power to name her in my divorce, to force her into the courtroom and then to dismiss her words by not having her testify. She did learn that she was one of several OW and not important at all in regards to the divorce. I won. 

I am free with all the benefits that witches like her tried to deprive me of. While she (long separated from her H because can't afford a divorce) will get nothing from her marriage when (and if) it ever officially ends, I took what was due me and she knows it. 

Lesson learned. She was and still is - worthless.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> As Chumplady pointed out, having your attorney handle any communications with the AP can be fun and intimidating for the AP. Suddenly things get "real". The outcome is not as important as the power play. You win.


there are some things worth paying for.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This really made me sick....your wife is a piece of work....she has zero respect for you...


Possibly true at that time...but she also knows me very well: hothead, anger-management-issue who would probably get into a LOT of trouble.
If she wanted to proper-humiliate me/make me feel small, she'd have let me go ahead and confront the OM.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I have not confronted the OW. I know if she said one thing to tick me off I would deck her and beat her down. She is so not worth going to jail over nor losing my job. She is a no self respecting skank that sends porn vids of herself to a married man. Those will come back to haunt her one day. I have decided if he wants trash like that he can have it.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I have not confronted the OW. I know if she said one thing to tick me off I would deck her and beat her down. She is so not worth going to jail over nor losing my job. She is a no self respecting skank that sends porn vids of herself to a married man. Those will come back to haunt her one day. I have decided if he wants trash like that he can have it.


No WS or AP is worth jail time for..the thing is WS's have egos so big that it just feeds it...move on - live well and hope karma gives the WS a beating they so richly deserve....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

davecarter said:


> When I first discovered my wife and her OM in a photo together on a friendf's FB page and confronted her, I went pretty ballistic, saw the red-mist and was all ready to go and confront him.
> I asked my wife where he lived and with a bemused look on her face said: _"Ummm....by all means go and confront OM...he isn't a violent man, he's not into that - he might even let you take the first swing, but he'd put you out with one punch"_
> 
> Given that the OM was ex-military and a builder, I thought better of it. No point in a double-humiliation, right?


She already did double humiliate you with the statement and her perception of you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

When my best friend confronted his WW's co-worker EA partner, the p***y ran and locked himself in a bathroom during a houseparty at the boss' house for his employees.

He discovered that the POS had been badmouthing him to his W during the A.

Must have been a real eye-opener for her to see Mr. Bada** run and hide when faced with an irate BH.

All the laughing a s**t-talking these d*****bags do while safely away from 'manly' consequences is comical. 

The vast majority of the time its just talking big trying to impress some stupid and starry-eyed WW.

I wouldn't let the POSOM's laughter bother you Burned. I would bet money that if you had shown up suddenly in his presence in a p****d off and aggressive mood, he would have scurried away like the coward he is.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I text om and he pretty much thought it was funny. He said oh well best of luck to ya both. That's when I got pissed and let his pregnant girlfriend know.i don't think he is laughing now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

davecarter said:


> Possibly true at that time...but she also knows me very well: hothead, anger-management-issue who would probably get into a LOT of trouble.
> If she wanted to proper-humiliate me/make me feel small, she'd have let me go ahead and confront the OM.


Neh, she used other tactics that worked better. 
not trying to be mean, but damn, that woman scarred you for life.


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