# I wanna divorce, but his crying made my heart broken



## hopelesslife

We've been married for 4 years. During the 4 years, there were too much argueing and fighting, too much difference but nothing in common. My husband is a smart but too stubborn man. Here I don't wanna say too much of bad things about him. But anyway I am out of love with him. I mentioned about divorce many times, but he probably never thought I was serious until last week I took off a week. Now he finally noticed that I want a divorce. He is trying very hard to do anything to save this marriage. But for me I just can't appreciate what he is doing now. If he started changing 2 years ago,certainly we would have had good chance to retrieve this marriage. But it's been too long and too much damages. I still care about him. He is my son's father. He is the person whom I lived with for 4 years. He is my first marriage. So I don't want to see im getting hurt. But I don't love him any more. We've been seperating sleeping for almost a year. No sex for 4 months. I don't want his touch at all. No matter how hard he tried, I just can't get the romantic feeling back on him. I feel funny living with him in the same house. I have to push myself to put a smile on my face when he is talking with me to show him I am paying attention to him, but actually I really wanted to shout"leave me alone." This situation drives me crazy. 

Yesterday we seriously talked about divorce. He cried so hard. I've never seen him crying so hard since day one I knew him. It made me feel really bad for him. I calmed him down and talked about something like what we would have to do with our son and our future life. But I have no interest in it at all. I just wanna leave here and be on my own. 

What could I do do get divorce without making him hurting so much?

Any advice will be better than nothing. Thank you guys!!!!


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## BuddyL33

I am not sure how one can be married and fall out of love like that. Marriage is about loving someone unconditionally and if you can fall out of love then clearly there are conditions placed on that love.

I really don't think there is a way you can leave your husband and make it hurt any less. I mean you are either leaving or you aren't ya know?


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## hopelesslife

Hi Buddy ,it is easy for you to say"fall out of love just like this?". but for me a lot of miserable things made "just like this." It was not simply "like this". You know what I'm saying? You are not in such a pain situation,you wouldn't be able to understand how much those argueing,fighting,and discrepancy could hurt in our life.


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## 2Daughters

Why are you unhappy?..maybe you need to talk to a professional if you're not sure..how old are you?..it seems you aren't mature enough yet, and he probably isn't either


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## hopelesslife

2Daughters said:


> Why are you unhappy?..maybe you need to talk to a professional if you're not sure..how old are you?..it seems you aren't mature enough yet, and he probably isn't either


too many things make me unhappy. his stubborness is unbelievable. I hate him making his own stories to cover something in truth. Something is so obvious white,he would say that is black. He will deny whatever he did or said that is not good to let ppl know about him.that makes me feel like I need carry a tape recorder to record his daily speech and behavior.no ambitions for his life.he spent more time with his pc than with me. he could go without a shower for a week in such a dam hot summer.no need mention about how messy his room is. we can't even enjoy a single meal.very rarely eat together because we have so much different taste of food..........maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany things I can't list them all here. I don't think I am immature or he is immature. we are just not right for each other.


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## elmo

First and foremost, my wife has recently left me and filed for divorce when I gave her my heart and soul. You sound much like my wife who since she has left, I have reflected back on our relationship and marriage is a two way street. Love for fact is not a feeling but a commitment to unconditionally love someone and accept their good points and bad points. Both of you are at fault, not one. Pointing out his shortcomings are simply a way for you not to take responsibility for your own actions. Personally from reading your thread, all I can see is....me, me, me. That is a very immature thought process. My wife's exact thought process. Now I have my faults and admitted them to her and I even did a 360 change just to satisfy her to keep GOD's holy union together and yet she took the easy way out. Keep in mind there are no perfect relationships and marriage is work on both parts. I think your thinking is very selfish self-centered, and self-fulfilling and you do not truly understand love and commitment. Bottom line....there is no way to keep from devestating him. So if you want an easy way out, then there is no way to keep from feeling guilty for doing what you want to do.


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## 2Daughters

Elmo, you made valid reasons of what a marriage should be, but after I have made self reflections, I can see where 'hopelesslife' is coming from, maybe some people were incompatible from the start and not able to recognize it or refused to see it for various reasons, eventually they will drift, some sooner, some later, in my case 18yrs later, it does seem that in society today, there are many influences outside a marriage to make one spouse see life different.


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## Lostandunsure

This reminds me of a couple I know. They just got married last June after ten years of living together as a married couple. They had no children and no "tangible" commitments together until they married. The reason why they married? They had spent so long together, they just figured it was the right thing to do. They recently filed for divorce and said they fell out of love with each other. I think they got married to maintain consistency and comfort in their lives, not because they felt some deep-seated commitment and love for each other. It's really sad that this stuff happens so often.


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## Meriter

BuddyL33 said:


> I am not sure how one can be married and fall out of love like that. Marriage is about loving someone unconditionally and if you can fall out of love then clearly there are conditions placed on that love.
> 
> I really don't think there is a way you can leave your husband and make it hurt any less. I mean you are either leaving or you aren't ya know?


Marriage isn't a magical state of never-ending love and happiness.
I think you've been watching too many chick-flicks.
Either that, or people who aren't really in love in the first place end up THINKING they are and getting married.
It could be both.


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## Brewster 59

This whole thread totally confirms my new thoughts which are I will never marry again. Marriage is no longer a commitment at all, so why do it? The person that wants out will always find ways to justify their thinking and the person who doesnt want out always gets hurt. So I wish I never got married and ripped off by my x. I should of just lived with her, and if I find someone I love again I will never marry. Ill just live with them until one of us falls out of love and keep my stuff. If we never fall out of love, thats great but no more marriage farce EVER!!!!!


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## hopelesslife

I just want some advice how to end this marriage without too much hurting. I am not very fan of unconditional love.I think that sounds very fake. can anybody love anybody unconditionally for lifetime?if so, why there are more than 50% first marriage in america ended up with divorce? for those ppl who said "love is unconditional", it is because your partner hasn't done something that made you annoyed,angry,hurt, or feel like untoleratable.


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## hopelesslife

elmo said:


> First and foremost, my wife has recently left me and filed for divorce when I gave her my heart and soul. You sound much like my wife who since she has left, I have reflected back on our relationship and marriage is a two way street. Love for fact is not a feeling but a commitment to unconditionally love someone and accept their good points and bad points. Both of you are at fault, not one. Pointing out his shortcomings are simply a way for you not to take responsibility for your own actions. Personally from reading your thread, all I can see is....me, me, me. That is a very immature thought process. My wife's exact thought process. Now I have my faults and admitted them to her and I even did a 360 change just to satisfy her to keep GOD's holy union together and yet she took the easy way out. Keep in mind there are no perfect relationships and marriage is work on both parts. I think your thinking is very selfish self-centered, and self-fulfilling and you do not truly understand love and commitment. Bottom line....there is no way to keep from devestating him. So if you want an easy way out, then there is no way to keep from feeling guilty for doing what you want to do.


I am sorry to hear that. and from your thread, I can tell that you are right now is just like my husband. he is extremely nice to me now. may be 720 degree change. but like I said it is too late. he would like to change because he noticed that I am soerious of getting divorce.I have mentioned about divorce many times before but never gave him the paper. so every time when we talked about divorce,he first blamed on my friend and said I wanted to divorce because my friend always talked negatively to me. and then he said it was because I missed my families. and then said because I was brought up in that way.........on and on and on.just never said that he did something wrong. always my fault. I don't know why your wife wants to leave you. but i don't feel guilty to leave my husband because i am not leaving him for another man. I wanna leave because the love was killed in the past 4 years endless argueing and fighting. I can say that if I didn't give him the paper,he still wouldn't change.

I don't know what your situation is. but if you and your wife have been argueing and fighting for years ,and just now you noticed you need to change to be nicer to her to get her back. I would say some ppl may go back,some may not.there is no right or wrong.each individuke feels things in different way.


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## turnera

hopelesslife said:


> I just want some advice how to end this marriage without too much hurting. I am not very fan of unconditional love.I think that sounds very fake. can anybody love anybody unconditionally for lifetime?if so, why there are more than 50% first marriage in america ended up with divorce? for those ppl who said "love is unconditional", it is because your partner hasn't done something that made you annoyed,angry,hurt, or feel like untoleratable.


You tell him that you are going to give the marriage six months, ONLY.

You are going to go to weekly marriage counseling, and he is going to do the work entailed, or you WILL divorce. He is going to take steps to understand your side and make changes that will make you fall in love again, or you WILL divorce. And in the end, you still have the right to leave if you don't get back where you need to be. BUT you are giving him six months before throwing away your marriage. It's the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, this is VERY common for men to ignore their wives until the wife leaves. I think it has to do with being raised by a woman who tells you what to do, so you assume your wife is just an extension of your mother, so you don't 'have' to listen. Until you realize you DO have to listen, if you want to keep your wife.


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## firetruckred

Hopeless, you are getting a lot of good feedback here which is pushing back at what you really are asking for. None of us have a magic wand to make things hurt less. My wife walked out months ago and we haven't really spoken since. I saw someone say that a marriage is a two way street. yes! Until you can see the part you played there is no healing. Someone else said that men don't often know there is a big problem until the wife leaves. yes! That was me, I knew she wasn't totally happy but had no idea the extent of her unhappiness. There is truly no need for you to pick up and leave at this point and try and make him hurt less. To me you asking the question just means that you do care about him. You got married for a reason so keep fighting for it even if it doesn't feel good.


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## hopelesslife

turnera said:


> You tell him that you are going to give the marriage six months, ONLY.
> 
> You are going to go to weekly marriage counseling, and he is going to do the work entailed, or you WILL divorce. He is going to take steps to understand your side and make changes that will make you fall in love again, or you WILL divorce. And in the end, you still have the right to leave if you don't get back where you need to be. BUT you are giving him six months before throwing away your marriage. It's the right thing to do.
> 
> Unfortunately, this is VERY common for men to ignore their wives until the wife leaves. I think it has to do with being raised by a woman who tells you what to do, so you assume your wife is just an extension of your mother, so you don't 'have' to listen. Until you realize you DO have to listen, if you want to keep your wife.


He said he is going to conselor. but year ago when I asked him to go see conselor, he said"if you wanna spend 5000$ on that"...I didn't think that would be so much,but i did believe that could be very costly. so canceled. and then when I had doc appointment,i talked about the problem with my doc. she recommended me for conselor and made a referal. This time I canceled because the idea of divorce was not generated within one day or two,or just couple times disagreements or fights. too many times he told me"if you are not happy,then leave.the door is always opened".but the door was not opened for me to come back. it was opened for me to leave. He may have no idea how much it hurt me when he said that because at that moment I couldn;t leave. So many things going on. I had to sort them out before I could go. I started hating him saying that to me. He was so sure that I had no place to go.that's why he kept saying leave.I told him if some day I really leave,don't beg me come back because I will never come back. Now my body is here,but my mind is not. we are extremely nice to each other. for him,he might think this is a good sign. but for me ,I know I just don't wanna make a cold face in front of my son. and since we will divorce some day, I don;t need to argue or fight.nothing to fight for.


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## hopelesslife

turnera said:


> You tell him that you are going to give the marriage six months, ONLY.
> 
> You are going to go to weekly marriage counseling, and he is going to do the work entailed, or you WILL divorce. He is going to take steps to understand your side and make changes that will make you fall in love again, or you WILL divorce. And in the end, you still have the right to leave if you don't get back where you need to be. BUT you are giving him six months before throwing away your marriage. It's the right thing to do.
> 
> Unfortunately, this is VERY common for men to ignore their wives until the wife leaves. I think it has to do with being raised by a woman who tells you what to do, so you assume your wife is just an extension of your mother, so you don't 'have' to listen. Until you realize you DO have to listen, if you want to keep your wife.


I just don't want to have sex with him any more. especially I left for a week. after I came back I just felt him like a totally stranger. we talkto each other very politely,but nothing can connect us again. can a marriage without sex survive? I mean it not either side physically can't have sex. It is me phycologically and emotionally don't wanna have sex with him because I don't love him as how a woman loves a man.


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## hopelesslife

firetruckred said:


> Hopeless, you are getting a lot of good feedback here which is pushing back at what you really are asking for. None of us have a magic wand to make things hurt less. My wife walked out months ago and we haven't really spoken since. I saw someone say that a marriage is a two way street. yes! Until you can see the part you played there is no healing. Someone else said that men don't often know there is a big problem until the wife leaves. yes! That was me, I knew she wasn't totally happy but had no idea the extent of her unhappiness. There is truly no need for you to pick up and leave at this point and try and make him hurt less. To me you asking the question just means that you do care about him. You got married for a reason so keep fighting for it even if it doesn't feel good.


Wish evrything was doneafter a one-night sleep.


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## 2Daughters

Hoping to change your feelings isn't going to happen, I know it sounds negative, but you know and I know it is deeper than that, I sometimes feel that I am afraid to recommit again, I feel if I showed my wife that I can and will 'change' she would be receptive, problems is, like you, I no longer wish to recommit, and she left first...the longer a person is away, the harder it gets to come back and easier it is to stay away..if he loved you and you felt he did, you would not even think of leaving, obviously he does not love you, my wife told my sister 2 months ago that her biggest fear of leaving was that once I processed everything, I was going to see that I don't love her as much as I think I do, and you know, she was right, but even that hurts because I really want to but can't, at least right now.


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## turnera

hopelesslife said:


> I just don't want to have sex with him any more. especially I left for a week. after I came back I just felt him like a totally stranger. we talkto each other very politely,but nothing can connect us again. can a marriage without sex survive? I mean it not either side physically can't have sex. It is me phycologically and emotionally don't wanna have sex with him because I don't love him as how a woman loves a man.


 A woman wants to have sex once she feels connected. You have to WORK on the marriage and have him WORK on it with you, and you WILL feel connected.


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## Susan2010

hopelesslife said:


> I mentioned about divorce many times, but he probably never thought I was serious until last week I took off a week. Now he finally noticed that I want a divorce.


The only thing I don't understand is why you kept telling him you want a divorce? You don't need his permission or approval to leave and divorce him. Why so many times telling him? Why didn't you just go if you want to leave? Normally, a person telegraphs their intentions because they want the other person's attention, like maybe they really don't want to leave. They just want to be begged to stay. Did you want to get his attention? And why are you still there?

To answer your question, there really is no way to reduce his pain. But what you are doing right now is making it worse for him. Sticking around and being cordial makes him think his crying, pleading, and efforts to change and be nice are working. You say they are not working, but by being there and being nice right back to him makes him think the two of you are working to make your marriage better. You are misleading him. Or are you? You plan to leave and divorce him but have done nothing so far to make it happen except to tell him of your plan. I guess you will just walk out the door one day, but I think that is very cruel. Get out of there. Stop sticking around being nice to the man. Stop allowing him to make all the adjustments and trying to make you happy. Or do you plan to ever leave?


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## aussie2012

I felt quite strongly about your post. I know this thread is quite old but I would like to add my opinion to it.

I have never felt the feeling of having to go through a breakup or a divorce. I am married to my first love. We have been through a lot of fighting and realise we have a lot of differences too.

My wife has talked about wanting to try out separating. I know this is just the precursor to divorce. I am trying to change myself to meet her needs. But there are aspects of myself I will never give up.

I think marriage should be for life as well. But at the same time, you want to make sure you have a happy and healthy environment to model for your kids.

Maybe I'm incredibly naive, but I think that it is possible to forgive past hurts and work on changes for the future. It is hard to go through a forgiving process. I don't quite understand the many people that can so quickly permanently change their mind. My wife is my first girlfriend so perhaps the lack of experience of breaking up has skewed me more towards the forgiving side of things.

Marriage is about trying to forgive those things that you think are unforgivable and working them through. I have such a strong conviction to trying to make my marriage work through all of its ups and downs. Trust me, I have been through hell in my marriage. When we first got married, we would fight really bad and she would get so angry that she used physical violence on me and destroyed things in the home.

These days she tells me there are things I do that still irritate the hell out of her and that she suppresses some of that anger. I hate that. I made a commitment to myself to forgive the past hurts she did to me. The destroyed belongings, the hitting etc.

I guess that makes me a more mature person?

I firmly believe in seeking forgiveness and trying to adapt to life as it changes.

I am facing what might turn out to be a bad situation if my wife decides to leave after residency. I don't want to think about how that would rip my heart out but there's a lot of indications to suggest this may end up happening.

This despite all my best efforts to keep us together and work hard for the family (we don't have kids yet). Maybe I'm naive but I really don't want to lose my wife. In my eyes, we are still meant to be together. We have a lot of shared history together.

I made a decision to pray the night before my marriage that I would give everything to my last breath to see our marriage work out and spend a lifetime together! So I hope some day I don't have my confidence shattered by a divorce!!

My wife knows how much she means to me which, if I were to believe what she says sometimes, must be hard for her.

It is hard to guage her feelings because she is so loving most of the time but we have had a few grave discussions in the past year or so about her unhappiness. Yet most of that unhappiness is spilling into the marriage from outside influences of her culture and family situation.

I have been through some tough and upsetting times. Even now it is hard for me but I remind myself that I am married and have a partner that loves me in return. I don't want to always see her faults. By sticking it out, I have been able to gain ground on issues that used to plague our relationship over the past 3 years. I have been taking what I have read and discussing it with a counsellor who has helped me to implement successful strategies that are turning around our marriage very slowly.

I guess not everyone agrees with this way. I don't know what it is like to be married for so long and remain unhappy for the most of it. That would be so debilitating to your life I would imagine. I don't want to wake up one day and feel like I wasted my life with my partner. I thank God that we found each other and that I am lucky enough to have a partner to wake up to every morning and go to sleep next to everyday. It gives my life a renewed sense of purpose and direction - like an extra push to become more to support my future family.


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## Thound

hopelesslife said:


> I just want some advice how to end this marriage without too much hurting. I am not very fan of unconditional love.I think that sounds very fake. can anybody love anybody unconditionally for lifetime?if so, why there are more than 50% first marriage in america ended up with divorce? for those ppl who said "love is unconditional", it is because your partner hasn't done something that made you annoyed,angry,hurt, or feel like untoleratable.


Why? I may get quite a few rebuttals, but marriage is a Godly contract between a man and a woman and God. We as a people have turned our backs on God. " marriage" has become a traditional humanistic living arrangement devoid of any spiritual meaning.

At least thats the way I see it.

As far as divoricing without hurting him, its as easy as doing brain surgery blind folded.

I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 49crash

My wife feels exactly like you do and is leaving after 24 yrs. I accept that because if there is no sex then there is no marriage as far as I am concerned. Sure we could fake it. I mean we are best friends and really she loves me as a friend but not as a husband. Sure it's gonna hurt him and it's gonna hurt you as well but don't fake it. I think if you stay you will only resent him more in the future. If I can get over it I think he can. 



hopelesslife said:


> I just don't want to have sex with him any more. especially I left for a week. after I came back I just felt him like a totally stranger. we talkto each other very politely,but nothing can connect us again. can a marriage without sex survive? I mean it not either side physically can't have sex. It is me phycologically and emotionally don't wanna have sex with him because I don't love him as how a woman loves a man.


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## littlemrs

I think that marriage is unpredictable. To say that divorce is taking an "easy" way out, is mean. There is no "easy" way. Any path chosen someone gets hurt, even if its a little. Sometimes we have to look at ourselves and really see if we can get out of this funk. Sometimes relationships can be worked through, sometimes not. Thats the whole point. Sometimes "love" isnt enough and we know this. Sometimes things just fall a part and we dont realize that we arent meant to be until we've "tied the knot." I dont think its immature of her to feel the way she does. She is in a funk that she is having a hard time, and is coming here, like all of you to get things off her chest. So have a little courtesy. We all are here for a reason. 

I think that if you have tried EVERYTHING and are still feeling this way, its time to let go. He will be hurt but you are not only giving yourself a chance to move on but you are also letting him go and not keeping him stuck in a relationship where he obviously wont get the love he wants or needs.


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## DavidWYoung

Go and see a lawyer, find out what you need. Maybe you can print up the papers yourself if your state allows.

Tell your husband that is over and that you are starting a new life and for him NEVER to speak to you again.

Have him served and start your new life. David


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## manticore

people the OP has not logged in TAM since 2010


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