# Hypothetical question



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You are a hard working spouse and parent. You work a 40 hour week and your work requires night time hours on occasion. You do at least your share of the housework... probably more. You, unlike your spouse, are a social butterfly and are frequently socializing (you have accepted that your spouse will rarely go out with you because of how often you go out, but he/she is good about parenting when you are out). You also have a strong bond with your family, and visit with them often - your spouse comes once or twice a month with you as well but cannot keep up with your frequency and has grown to resent the activity.

You notice your spouse is drifting away from you and your marriage is struggling. When asked, the answer given is that you are too busy. In your opinion, you always carve out a few hours each week to be with your spouse if they want the time.

One night, your spouse is clearly agitated and is practically begging for your time. Of course, this would be the night that you have a very important event to go to, and your spouse knows about this event - you would feel very uncomfortable not going to this event on short notice, but there would be minimal lasting consequences if you didn't. Your initial reaction is anger that your spouse would bother you with this request on this particular night.

Your spouse asks you to stay home - he/she is frequently upset when you go out but rarely outright asks you not to go somewhere. When pressed, your spouse can give no articulate reason why it is important to them that you stay, but their body language is clear that this is extremely important to them.

What do you do on this night, and what is the key to a resolution for you long-term here?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

If you have many social occasions, and only a few hours a week with your spouse then stay home. Give your quality time where it's needed.

And on that night, spend it talking openly about how the other person feels about the amount of time you spend socialising and reach a compromise ie how many nights a week that you're both happy with.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It would depend what the outing is...something important for business? Unfair to expect cancelling. A movie night out with a girlfriend? I could skip that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would stay home.

For long-term resolution? More compromise. Yes you're a social butterfly, but your spouse is not. You probably are out more than you realize and your marriage is suffering because of the feeling of isolation/abandonment your spouse feels.

One spouse never suspects that their behavior is really as bad as the other spouse perceives. Usually it IS that bad. We all would like to think we're being the best spouse to our partner as we can be, but when your spouse is unhappy with the marriage, that's quite the indication that we're not being as loving, gracious, or considerate as we think we are. 

It's time to check-in and find out. Have a talk and clear things up, come to some sort of compromise.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

If, as you say, there would be minimal lasting consequences if you didn't go to this event, I would stay home. Especially if she was practically begging you. She wants you to show her she's more important to you than your social events.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Acorn said:


> You notice your spouse is drifting away from you and your marriage is struggling. When asked, the answer given is that you are too busy. In your opinion, you always carve out a few hours each week to be with your spouse if they want the time.


Your spouse time should not be carved out of your social time. Your other social activities should be worked out around your spouse time. Spouse time first or your spouse will feel like second fiddle, which is clearly the case here.

My mom messed up her health because she was always "too busy to eat". I told her that health is not something to pencil into your planner around other commitments. It has to be the other way around. It's the same for marital health.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Is the other spouse working as well? Sometimes work does have to come first. Are you sure the consequences of not going are minimal? Sounds like some clear rules need to be discussed as to how much time spent away from each other is acceptable. Other spouse may feel neglected and not on priority list. Feeling important to your spouse is a need. Don't go to the event if you can, and don't make spouse feel bad about you not going.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

No one likes feeling like they are second. Your kids or your wife.
You may not see it that way... *but that may be how your wife sees it.* So regardless of whether you feel you compensate for it elsewhere... keep that in mind.

Long term... do you have family night or date night?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Hopefull363 said:


> Is the other spouse working as well? Sometimes work does have to come first. Are you sure the consequences of not going are minimal?


Yes, you both are working full time.

Let's say it is a non-critical, work related event. Perhaps a team building or social event where you have some minor role like giving a toast. You really do feel like this event is important and should be the priority, but like your spouse, you cannot articulate exactly why you need to go to your spouse any more clearly than your spouse can articulate why they need you home.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I would stay home but I think that's because my wife has never had this issue. I could see it get tiresome if this was something she pulled all the time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The spouse is just wanting to feel like a priority.

The spouse is not happy. At all. Maybe even suffers from abandonment issues and just wants a mellow life.


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## Emly (Feb 22, 2012)

I would definitely stay home...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Non-critical. 2nd priority IMO.

Team building can happen any time. After your regular 40 hour week, it's considered 'extra'. That's how your spouse sees it too.

I don't think either spouse should have to explain WHY they feel their view is important to them when it comes to this scenario. Both views should be obvious. What needs to be shown is consideration. For the spouse that is out most of the time, this would be an event that would be skipped, based on the response of the spouse that is home more. It doesn't have to be talked to death. It's giving, it's loving... I love you and want to be with you more than I want to do this activity without you. 

If you choose to go, you're conveying the opposite. I value this outing and time away from you more than I value your feelings and being here with you. 

What message do you want to send? You can send it without explaining a thing, or saying a word.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If my husband just carved time out for me, I wouldn't want that time. :lol: Seriously. 

We may not have a lot of money (right now it's pretty bad, acutally) but we make ourselves a priority. We don't "pencil" each other in for time. Our time is together. We pencil OTHER things in...we carve out time in our time to do other things.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

One thing my gramps said to me (and he was a business man. He died a wealthy man) was...."Don't invest too much into things that don't matter. Those things always die. Invest yourself in things that matter. Family matters."

Listen to my gramps!

Yes, he worked full time. Yes, he was busy...but on his death bed, was he worried about work? Nope. He was talking to me, telling me he loved me,etc.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

That Girl,
I love Grandpa and Grandma advice! More people should listen to their advise. After all they have the experience.
Acorn,
Don't go. Show the wife that she is important too. This will only be a first step though. Time to rearrange the priority list and to have a big talk about feelings.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I keep things in perspective by this simple thought....

Tomorrow isn't promised. If my husband wanted me to not go to some event in place of spending quality time with him, I would do it. He is more important and valued to me more than any social outing. I would hate myself if the last thing I said to him was... "explain to me why you don't want me to go" and then went anyway because he really couldn't, and something tragic happened. 

He's #1 on my calendar. It's the OTHER things that get in the way of that in our lives and I try to make sure he understands that no matter what, he can rely on me to be there for him if he needs me. That's why we married. Not necessarily to be attached at the hip, but to be partners in navigating our lives. No matter how busy things get, he's always my #1 priority.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I suppose the long term problem here is the non-social spouse feels insecure about the growing distance between their lives and may feel like a low priority. Rather then picking a particular event to make a stand, hopefully they can talk about that issue directly. 

They should reaffirm that their marriage is both their number one priority and work on ways to practically make that a reality. A secure spouse wouldn't make arbitrary demands of "Choose this event or me".

Sounds like a good time to go away together for some one on one time or at least a series of day nights etc.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This sounds a bit weird to me. Or maybe my relationship is weird. My husband and I have a similar dynamic - I ak social, he is not. Beyond business events, we rarely go out without each other. Maybe 1-2 times a month. That means we have both had to compromise - I have cut back on my social life quite a bit and he has agreed to come with me to places (outings with friends, family houses) as long as I don't have every second of our week planned. In general we go out together 1 day on the weekend to an event that I have planned or been invited to, and the rest of the invitations I decline. I do this out of respect for my marriage and my husband. The more time I spend at home, the more I gain perspective that my relationship with my spouse is what needs nurturing, not my friendships. I feel good about my decision when I see how much happier my husband is and when.I get to catch all those random special moments in a day being around my kids. For me there was no question...cut back on my social life, husband comes first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Thank you for all the thoughts and opinions, I appreciate it. I do think it seems like the best thing to do would be to focus on the marriage and not the event. Thanks.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sounds like a power struggle to me. She wants to see if she still has power over you and how much influence she has. She’ll probably do many things like this.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

My response, I'll stay home tonight, and tomorrow too. Buy a pint of ice cream or something yummy from a bakery. sit, eat, talk, smile


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

This sounds eerily like the dynamic I had earlier in my current relationship.

For different reasons though. I was a single mum. He lived at home with no commitments. He would be out three/four evenings a week: I'd manage one with him when I got a babysitter and he'd spend one or two evenings with me.

When he got "settled" in our relationship, he'd seemingly plan OUR time around his social life. I felt like I had to vie for his time. I'd gotten used to a different kind of social life with having kids and he knew my limitations. We argued a LOT. 

At times I'd pull the "please stay at home tonight" thing. I wouldn't call it a power play. It was simply a "PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!" cry. Like show me I AM important to you. It was horrible at the time, he'd go off out shaking his head and in the end I simply told him if he wanted to act like he had a foot still in his singledom then don't think he was coming back home after, he could go and sleep in his comfy single bed at his mums.

Luckily he realised he preferred it with me lol! But what I'd say is LISTEN to what it is they are or aren't saying. I think they're conveying something more significant than just "pick me or the evening out."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Acorn said:


> One night, your spouse is clearly agitated and is practically begging for your time. Of course, this would be the night that you have a very important event to go to, and your spouse knows about this event - you would feel very uncomfortable not going to this event on short notice, but there would be minimal lasting consequences if you didn't. Your initial reaction is anger that your spouse would bother you with this request on this particular night.
> 
> Your spouse asks you to stay home - he/she is frequently upset when you go out but rarely outright asks you not to go somewhere. When pressed, your spouse can give no articulate reason why it is important to them that you stay, but their body language is clear that this is extremely important to them.
> 
> What do you do on this night, and what is the key to a resolution for you long-term here?


If my wife asked me to stay home, I would stay home. Long term, I would continue to stay home.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

If my husband only carved out a few hours a week to spend with me we would never have celebrated 21 years of marriage!

In the situation you describe I'd definitely stay home, and I'd try to start an honest, open conversation about why my spouse wanted me home that night and what we could do to get our relationship back on track. One question I'd ask is why they rarely wanted to go out and socialize with me. Is there a chance I'm doing something while we're out that makes them uncomfortable or makes them not have fun? 

Whether you're a social butterfly or a homebody or something in between when you get married you owe it to your spouse to consider their needs and wants too. If you don't you'll soon have plenty of time to socialize alone.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Your spouse asks you to stay home


What is so unclear about what you MUST do?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

For me, I would curtail any social events with people who wouldn't get it if I needed to stay home on short notice due to family needs. I also wouldn't have to specify anything further than 'family needs'. If people who I'm socializing with won't still be there for me and understand if this happens, I would find different people to socialize with. Point in case, I went to an event last night as a volunteer, had not been in to volunteer for quite a few weeks, saw lots of people I hadn't seen in ages, hugs all around, have missed you, good to see you, how are you doing, catch up catch up catch up, you look great, take care of yourself, fun fun fun, relax relax relax. Then back to priorities of family. 

Maybe you need new friends who pack in good quality time when you do socialize, then you will need less socializing. It might be something to look at. At the end of my year, I look at my entire budget and see where I can save money and time. When I'm considering an activity or time outside the house, I look at the specific benefit it brings to me as a person and the cost to my family life. It has to reach a certain worth/value before I'll consider it. Some things are on a trial basis, then I take a while to think about it, and it has to be budgeted, meaning something got to give.

There might be some activities your spouse might enjoy, and learning how to be inclusive and welcoming to people for whom socializing isn't so much fun, is part of being a gracious host. It's also possible that your spouse feels like an outsider, cannot possibly keep up with all the inside jokes that are made. In this case, too, socializing with people who take that into account and are adept at conversational skills and body language and the concept of group fun and helping your spouse find a niche with a group they're 'just visiting' is something to consider. If your social group excludes outsiders, it's time to up their game or find groups capable of doing so.

Not all socializing is equal.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

On the other hand... I know many husbands who hardly ever get out because the wife doesn't ever want to, and they feel that if she doesn't want to do something then he better stay home with her. In our group of couples, there are always a few men who I've known for years but whose wives I've never met... They seem nice, don't stay late, don't act like fools, etc... just makes me wonder. Makes me wonder if it's a passive/high maintenance kind of thing.

Going out with your husband is quality time also. Compromise doesn't mean just giving in to the one spouse.


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