# Sexually incompatible?



## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

First off, thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this, and even more so to those who pass along words of wisdom or advice. It's such a kindness that strangers will take that time out for each other, and as this has been bottled up inside me for too long, let me apologize in advance if I've been a little wordy. 

Okay, so...

We've been together 3 years. I love him. 

We met at a time when I was not necessarily looking for a relationship, but he fell into my lap and he was cute and funny and I liked him very strongly right away.
He kissed me on our second date, sweetly. On our third date he got naked, sat down on his couch, and let me give him a blow job. I thought it was funny that he wasn't transitioning into the bedroom, but whatever. Boys are weird. He came after not too long, while he was still soft. In fact, he never got hard. I guess I thought it was weird, but didn't make too much of it. I didn't want to make it awkward for him.

The next time, at my house, I made sure that we transitioned into bed, but once again I blew him, he came, but he never got an erection. It was after this that he confessed that he was a virgin.

A tall, handsome, successful lawyer 34 year old virgin.

I was totally astounded!
Sorry, but I don't know about you, but I might have had a bit of a stereotype in my head of what a 34 year old virgin might be like\look like, and it sure as heck wasn't this guy!

I couldn't believe it...except it really explained a lot about what had been happening when we got naked!

My heart was beating but I played it cool, and he has always been grateful to me for that.

He told me that it just hadn't happened for him - he wasn't trying to wait for marriage or love or whatever. He had some hang-ups about sex when he was young, didn't have the confidence to go all the way. As he got older, his lack of experience made him a little shy, and the longer it went, the worse he felt until he just stopped trying, figured it would never work out for him. Poor guy.

But here we were. He'd really worked up some courage, and he was going to go for it. And he successfully got a naked woman in bed who was willing to have sex with him!

Except he couldn't. Years of self-denial, sexual suppression, and lack of self-confidence had given him erectile difficulties. He couldn't get hard.

Very difficult to lose your virginity when you can't get hard.

It took about a month of constant "work" to get to the point where he could achieve a small erection and finally, he got it in and lost his virginity.

Great!

Except not really.

Because now he's this grown man who has no experience or know-how, and I'm really starting to feel sad about how one-sided our sex life has always been.

Yes, I married him knowing that we had these problems, and maybe I should just grin and bear it.

But before we married, I told him how incredibly important sex is to me. My previous marriage failed because my libido was too high and his too low, and he was unwilling to compromise and our relationship deteriorated. Obviously, being with a virgin, I was really hesitant to go down this road. When he told me, I spent a lot of time wondering whether I could even pursue this relationship at all. I was intimidated by the amount of work and sacrifice it would require on my part. Professionally, I'm a therapist, and personally, I'm just not a quitter. I had strong feelings for him and I guess part of me wanted to help him. I knew that it would be rare for him to find someone else who was as understanding.

So for months we worked on this every day. Very slowly, he started to get more hard during sex. Not every time, and not for the whole time, but partial erections returned, and that was a triumph.

He tried viagra for a while, but felt that those were false erections, so we went back to trying just naturally, and he did improve, to the point where he could have normal intercourse and come from it.

But 3 years later, he still struggles. There are days he cannot get erections. More often than not, he does get one but it vanishes inside me. I find him so sweet and so sexy that I want us to have crazy-awesome sex four times a day, and he says he wants that too, but fails to initiate (or to respond to my initiatives). Obviously, he has some major mental hurdles and sometimes just thinking that he may fail makes him not want to even try.

This is really starting to affect our happiness and marriage.

I have spent years putting my wants and desires on the back burner so that I can help him. I have been upfront with these needs and he has always assured me that this is what he was working towards. But he has never sought therapy. He doesn't read books, check out forums, or do anything to really help himself. I've had to teach him everything, and it's been kind of a turn-off to me to always be the leader\teacher, and never get to just lie back and be taken care of!

I want to make this work but fear we are just not sexually compatible. I want it so much, and he seems to be able to take it or leave it. He doesn't experience desire or "horniness" the way the rest of us might - he never gets hard thinking about or anticipating sex. He's never just ready to go - we have to go through a lot of foreplay in order for him to even get inside, and then he's probably going to lose it once he's there. So then I have to go back to the drawing board, get him all excited and hard again...and then once he's in, he loses it. It gets a bit depressing.

He wants to be able to get me off, and he does try. But as he was a virgin, he just doesn't have a lot of moves. I've tried to teach him, to tell him what I like, but it's been three years and I just feel like he should be better than this by now. 

What on earth can we do?
I feel so lonely.
My body needs sex.
I feel like I am continually disappointed.
I feel like he doesn't love me\respect me enough to make the changes that are necessary.
I just feel sad most of the time. Even the good times don't feel that happy anymore because this is always hanging over us. 

Help!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

virginswife said:


> I have spent years putting my wants and desires on the back burner so that I can help him. I have been upfront with these needs and he has always assured me that this is what he was working towards. But he has never sought therapy. He doesn't read books, check out forums, or do anything to really help himself. I've had to teach him everything, and it's been kind of a turn-off to me to always be the leader\teacher, and never get to just lie back and be taken care of!


This paragraph sums up your problem. You're a rescuer which I find quite ironic considering you're a therapist and I would think you'd know better. The lie you told yourself is if you helped him enough one day he'd give back. Well he's not and by his actions he isn't going to.

He's pushing 40 when his drive would decrease anyway so in your case it's almost like trying to save a drowning ship.

Personally I don't see your situation getting any better. This man is obviously more damaged than you can fix. So now you get to choose. Stay with him and keep being his leader/teacher or cut your losses and find a grown up. If you choose option two next time don't ignore the red flags.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

This is what therapists do. They take care of other people.

He is broken. It is so sad to see him struggling to have what 'normal' people have - but have no idea how to get it. Is he fixable? Maybe, but he has to want it himself. His libido is low, he doesn't often seek out sex for himself, but he tells me every day that he doesn't want to be this way, that he does want sex, mentally if not physically.

But as I said, nothing is changing. Is he just lazy? Incapable of change? Sex is such a touchy subject that I can't be sure of what he's saying...and I'm not even sure that he's not lying to himself. It's important for me to remain his wife, not his therapist, though we've clearly been in deep in this for a long time now. I'm not sure what else I can do for him at this point.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I do not understand why Viagra gives "false erections". Yes, they are not borne of his natural will, but if it's sex you seek . . . I say this because if I could not perform, and it's something my wife wanted, I'd take the darn pill (I am wholly against unnecessary medicine too). It is a biological function. Also, what about toys? If he used them on you it may be nice. Does he desire you or is he just trying to placate you?

Maybe there is a hidden fetish that he doesn't even know about. A spouse's job is, in part, to be a therapist. Help him find his problems - the roots. Maybe there is no solution, but identifying the trama/the problem may at least give you answers. I assume he's been tested for normal levels of testosterone?


Maybe its not sex you seek. Maybe you are looking to fix/heal him and are looking for that validation?


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

virginswife said:


> He is broken. It is so sad to see him struggling to have what 'normal' people have - but have no idea how to get it. Is he fixable? Maybe, but he has to want it himself. His libido is low, he doesn't often seek out sex for himself, but he tells me every day that he doesn't want to be this way, that he does want sex, mentally if not physically.


You sound like a decent, caring person.

Remember that the largest sex organ is the brain. How about a little tough love, Doc? Therapy is needed, pronto. 

Since you are a therapist, do you know Pia Mellody's work? She has created a program of 3/4 day intensives that are conducted throughout the U.S. Very powerful program and it cuts right to the core.

No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great starting point as well if your husband is a "nice guy" (meaning codependent), which from the earlier description, it sounds like he could be.

Finally, is he depressed? Why no activation?

Does he masturbate or look at porn?


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Spruc, 
I wish I knew the answer the real answer to your question of desire. He certainly seems to appreciate my curves and how I look. He definitely appreciates the sexual awakening I've given him. 

His testosterone checked out okay. He went to a GP at my request to get some anti-depressants and a referral to a urologist...who checked him out only perfunctorily, in my opinion. I think he should have pursued it a little more, but doctors don't seem to believe a 35 year old really has a problem.

I think we basically did get to the root of the problem for him (some of which were parental and value-based) and from a mental stand point, he's actually come a long way. He's a lot freer and open-minded. He's still vanilla to my kinky, but I think that's more inexperience. He's open.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Former,
Great suggestion! Wow, I love what I've tapped into here, so many insightful, resourceful people! 
Good call on the depression. I did get him on medication for a time and that definitely helped his mood if not his sex drive (he lacked emotion almost completely...unable to express happiness, sadness, anger, etc) - he'd shut down as a person in order to deal with what he thought was certain loneliness.
The pills made a huge difference for him and he was able to come out of his shell a bit. But then he insisted that he needed to stop taking them after about a year because he felt they made him sleepy and used that as the excuse du jour on why he wasn't having sex. Now that he's off them...same problem, different excuse.
And yes, right on the head again on the Mr Nice Guy front. He is nice, almost to a fault. So I worry he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear, and has blinders on to reality.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

And no - he doesn't really do either.
He masturbated to porn occasionally when he was single, but his libido was even lower then (he just shut it off for many years).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I couldn't stay in this relationship. The night he "let" you give him a bj, did he do ANYTHING for you? If not, red flag one.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Has he had an evaluation by an endocrinologist? He may have an imbalance with his hormones which contributes to his problem.
Assuming that he isn't unknowingly gay, his testosterone level may be on the low side and not jump starting his response.
Most guys his age can get hard if the wind blows, let alone if a willing loving lady takes the lead.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

That Girl,
Hah, no he certainly did not! Poor kid. He had no idea what he was doing. He's better now. He steps up quite a lot actually, although part of that is because he feels that intercourse is inadequate. I've worked hard at showing him that sex is all the nice things we do in bed, not just penis-in-vagina.
He still hasn't figured out oral so never attempts it. He sticks with what he knows!
At any rate, I don't necessarily need to be hit back every time. I love sucking him off.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Hoo,

Looking into an endo sounds like a good idea. His testosterone was apparently fine, but I have serious doubts. I started him on zinc to try to boost it naturally. 
And nope, not gay. He's actually comfortable enough to think about that\explore it, but he's a big straight jock.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

virginswife said:


> This is what therapists do. They take care of other people.
> 
> He is broken. It is so sad to see him struggling to have what 'normal' people have - but have no idea how to get it. Is he fixable? Maybe, but he has to want it himself. His libido is low, he doesn't often seek out sex for himself, but he tells me every day that he doesn't want to be this way, that he does want sex, mentally if not physically.
> 
> But as I said, nothing is changing. Is he just lazy? Incapable of change? Sex is such a touchy subject that I can't be sure of what he's saying...and I'm not even sure that he's not lying to himself. It's important for me to remain his wife, not his therapist, though we've clearly been in deep in this for a long time now. I'm not sure what else I can do for him at this point.


What about you and your needs? It's a lofty goal and very sweet of you to want to help this guy but you are doing so at a very high cost. Is it worth it? 

You of all people should know that you can't fix him nor can you want it for him. He's been this way for so long and my theory is once you get past the age of about 33 the grooves are so well worn that it's almost impossible to overcome without some serious desire on the part of the broken person and he doesn't have it. You've done all that you can and if its not better by now it's not going to get better.

I've done 3 rounds of therapy and within 6 months I had improved. This guy is still struggling and it doesn't even seem to be a priority to him.

You are a vibrant highly sexual woman and you settled. What I wonder is why? What made you settle for this man that was clearly broken? Did you really think you could fix him?


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

M,
Good question.
I guess the answer is: when it's good, it's great.
I totally believe that marriage comes with some sacrifice, but I also believe that after 3 years, I've made too many. But then it's a fine line of when to pull the plug...like, now I think, well, I've sunk 3 years (and lots of emotion) into this, shouldn't I stick it out just another week to see if this time he really means it?

It's almost like a cycle of abuse and I'm hoping to find something that helps us break out of it other than divorce.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

virginswife said:


> I totally believe that marriage comes with some sacrifice, but I also believe that after 3 years, I've made too many. But then it's a fine line of when to pull the plug...like, now I think, well, I've sunk 3 years (and lots of emotion) into this, shouldn't I stick it out just another week to see if this time he really means it?
> 
> It's almost like a cycle of abuse and I'm hoping to find something that helps us break out of it other than divorce.


Marriage isn't about being a teacher/rescuer/helper its about love, passion, companionship, partnership and MUTUAL sacrifice. What has this guy ever done for you?

On when to pull the plug you are preaching to the choir on that one. It's hard I won't lie but do you really think another week is going to make that much of a difference?

It IS like a cycle of abuse which is why I'm wondering how you got trapped. My childhood was crappy and I've frequently found myself in the 'rescuer' role but thankfully my therapy has worked and the only people I feel like helping are here now on TAM. I get my helping fix here but I'm free to walk away at any point so it's different than trying to rescue a life partner.

You married a guy thinking/hoping erroneously that he'd change. He didn't. It's really okay to leave him. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain and even if he didn't you still have the right to leave without one good reason. Last time I checked you could leave just because you wanted to. Just because you deserve better. Just because you made an error in judgement. Should you have to live the rest of your life sexless because you tried to help someone that couldn't be helped?


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

To answer what he's ever done for me - it was out of the bedroom, granted, but...
about a month after we met, my best friend died. i held her hand in the hospital for hours and waited for her heart to stop beating. he waited for me in the hall. the whole time.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

but you're right.
i crave sex on a physical level for sure, but for me, it's how i feel loved, it's about intimacy as well
i don't want to live without that


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And you shouldn't have to live without it.

The man has major sexual issues. Either he gets help for those, or I'd be gone.

Sorry, but love isn't enough. I love my best friend, I love my dog, I love my kids...but the love I have for my husband is both emotional and sexual. Unless he has some valid reason for not wanting/having sex, then we are a sexual couple. As marriage should be.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

virginswife said:


> To answer what he's ever done for me - it was out of the bedroom, granted, but...
> about a month after we met, my best friend died. i held her hand in the hospital for hours and waited for her heart to stop beating. he waited for me in the hall. the whole time.


Please tell me this is not all he's done. When I asked that question I mean on a daily basis not a one time occurance. I am who I am because of my husband. He has supported me, encouraged me, been my biggest cheerleader, he cares for me when I'm sick, cares about my needs and is willing to do whatever I need of him to be happy. And I do the same for him. Can you say the same?

On sex it's the glue that holds marriage together. It's how I've managed to stay married for 20 years. Without sex I would have kicked my husband to the curb years ago. 

I agree with that girl. Love is not enough. Not even close.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Is it possible he endured sexual abuse as a child? That often creates sexual dysfunction in women, so I imagine a man's drive could be crippled by that as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Love is not enough.
I guess I feel guilty for having such high libido in the first place. 
And as for how he supports me...you know, it's not there yet. He's done some stellar things. He supports my dreams and ambitions. He understands how hard my work is. And yet, in a lot of ways he's still a little boy. Not only was he sexually inexperienced, but he hasn't had relationships so he doesn't always know how to exist in one. I know he loves me, but he clearly doesn't understand that marriage is still work.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I feel like I'm almost getting a bead on something here but I can't quite bring it into focus. Somehow, I'm wondering if the kinky woman fixing the broken male thing is really going to fly in this case. Is it, in the end, more putting him down than lifting him up? Could he look at your wide open sexual expanses and think "Oh man, I can never measure up to that so why try?"

wild guesswork but there is a part of me that resonates with your husband.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks for sharing, Jeff.
I did worry about that a bit, but he often wants me to tell him about past experiences, and I get the feeling that he's more gloaty than intimidated. And I hope he is. Not because he got some great catch (which he did!) but because I want him to realize that he is a great catch too, and totally worthy in his own way. I want him to let go of that past and for us to be equals, if that makes sense.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

virginswife said:


> Love is not enough.
> I guess I feel guilty for having such high libido in the first place.
> And as for how he supports me...you know, it's not there yet. He's done some stellar things. He supports my dreams and ambitions. He understands how hard my work is. And yet, in a lot of ways he's still a little boy. Not only was he sexually inexperienced, but he hasn't had relationships so he doesn't always know how to exist in one. I know he loves me, but he clearly doesn't understand that marriage is still work.


1. Your problems have nothing to do with libido.

2. From the words you use to describe your husband, it sounds like you have "ZERO" respect for him. It sounds like you treat him like a toddler. All the medication comments, etc. You are his mommy, not his wife. Ick.

This is a two way street - Dysfunction Boulevard - and you own one side of it.

3. You sound so busy "fixing" your husband that you are suffocating him.

Did you chose your profession because you like "helping" people? Perhaps you get part of your self-esteem from being helpful, thoughtful, a problem solver, etc.?

It is completely narcissistic to think you can fix your husband. Stop.

4. Your husband sounds emasculated. Who did it - Parents? He ain't acting like a man and you are frustrated. Normal.

5. Quit enabling him.

"Honey, we have a big problem and our marriage is in jeopardy. I love you and will stick with you as you work through these problems, but I need you to make fixing these issues a very high priority. That means you must get into therapy immediately. I can not be your therapist - bad for our relationship. I will be hear to listen to you and support you, but I am not going to try and fix these problems anymore. That is your job. Capice?" 

Big hug, swat on the a$$ and the phone book. I am guessing he will want a female therapist - tell him FNG says he needs a male. (Ask me how I know)

Then, you STFU and go about your business. Focus on your career and cleaning up your side of the street. Maybe start with the question of why you like "human projects" so much more than relationships? See the pattern, fix the pattern.

I am responding, with attitude, to limited information, so you mileage may vary.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

virginswife said:


> ...if that makes sense.


Oh, it makes _total_ sense... at the logical level. I'm wondering if there might be a problem in the more primitive parts of his male psyche. You know, us guys are generally supposed to be clubbing you girls over the head and dragging you back to our condos. Even for those men where that is the wrong answer, it's still what society drills into us. I'm wondering if you're running afoul of that.

But... you're the one with eyes on the ground and I'm WILDLY guessing. The only thing I can say is "good luck". Carol eventually managed to deal with similar issues in me but it took a long time and an amazing "sacrifice" on her part. Actually, the scars are still there... just much healed over nowadays. It took her a decade and she, also, is a sex-positive woman who loved me dearly.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

I've made an appointment for him, no more excuses.
And yes, with a man, because FNG said so.

Jeff - dragging girls back to condos has got me smiling. Permission to borrow that?


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

virginswife said:


> Jeff - dragging girls back to condos has got me smiling. Permission to borrow that?


ROFL... sure. I can't hardly believe I made it up but go for it.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

A true moment of inspiration, Jeff.

With my own clients, I deal a lot more with sexual abuse histories and such...which is not the case with my husband, but he has been through what I think was a pretty traumatic incident as a kid - just that his parents reacted very harshly over some childhood sexual exploration. This incident had him feeling that sex was shameful and dirty for 20 years...I picked up on some negative words he'd use and challenged him on it. He hadn't particularly ascribed significance to this event, and yet disclosing it has helped him work through his feelings about sex. Now I'd say he's pretty sex-positive, but 20 years of being haunted by that has to have had an effect.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Yeah... that sounds a lot like me. Once Carol found the ***** in the walls I'd built up around it things got better reasonably quickly. With me, at least, in the absence of that I doubt anyone or anything could have helped me. No amount of reasoning with a therapist would have changed anything. I'm not stupid. I already knew how jacked up the whole thought process was. Logic was not the problem.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Yes!!!
Ugh, you have no idea how cleansing this is for me...and I think it would be good for him too. He definitely felt like he was just this profoundly effed up person, never realized that other people go through these things too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Never feel guilty about a High Libido.

There's NOTHING wrong with you.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

I know.
I own it. I learned a long time ago that this is one of those things that is unchangeable about me, and I wouldn't want to change it anyway.
Although if I could be satisfied with less...some of these problems wouldn't exist. 

I really like the suggestion here to just back off and let him determine what we're doing and how often. I find it hard to do that because without even meaning too, I'll let some comment slip about how sexy he is, or I'll cup him or pat him...I'm just wired to be pretty sexual most of the time and it's hard to turn that off. Any suggestions on that?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

virginswife said:


> That Girl,
> Hah, no he certainly did not! Poor kid. He had no idea what he was doing. He's better now. He steps up quite a lot actually, although part of that is because he feels that intercourse is inadequate. I've worked hard at showing him that sex is all the nice things we do in bed, not just penis-in-vagina.
> He still hasn't figured out oral so never attempts it. He sticks with what he knows!
> At any rate, I don't necessarily need to be hit back every time. I love sucking him off.


He hasn't figured out oral after 3 years????

I personally think there is more trauma than you or anyone else is aware of.

I get that you want to help him, but, he needs some major therapy, I have no idea what his hang ups are, but they are major. A 34 year old virgin is a red flag, and you'd think that once he'd start having sex, he'd kind of go crazy like a teenager.

I say tell him to get help, or to open up to you more of his childhood eg. abuse. There needs to be some progress here, especially when sex is so important to you. His drive will only get worse with time, and your frustration will go up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are more patient that I am. I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship/marriage and waste my sexual life.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

virginswife said:


> but you're right.
> i crave sex on a physical level for sure, but for me, it's how i feel loved, it's about intimacy as well
> i don't want to live without that


Question: Why, given your apparently high drive, didn't you go marry some horn dog who would constantly be ready to jump your bones? You chose an inexperienced virgin with sexual hangups. 

I'll channel Ricky Ricardo: "You got some 'splaining to do Lucy".

P.S. Hubby needs to make his own appointments - just sayin....


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Love is not a rational choice. 

I can't say what has stopped him from making an appointment any of the countless times I've asked him to. His occasional excuse has been that he feels guilty spending money on that - hello - he's a lawyer, i'm a therapist, money is not an issue and even if it was, his health and happiness are worth it. 

I did sort of think he'd be like a horny teenager once we turned him on...but it was so difficult for him right out of the gate...

at first, when erections were impossible, we did have more sex, and in my opinion, better - he gave me multiples all the time

but as soon as we started to recover some erectile ability, that all went away. he fixated on being able to have intercourse all the time, and became depressed when he couldn't, and shied away from sex to avoid disappointment...


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

virginswife said:


> Love is not a rational choice.


I accept that.

Love is not rational, but rational people can choose to walk away from dysfunctional situations when they recognize them. Dysfunctional or not, it all hurts. 

Why did you stick around when your husband's problems originally manifested themselves? I can guess that you did because you thought you could fix them. The minute you did, you engaged in a "covert contract" - I fix this man's sexual problems and I will have a forever indebted, great lover for a mate. Maybe that wasn't the reason, but I think there is fodder for your own personal growth in this line of questioning.

"I was in love" is the easy answer. There may be a harder one if you really look.

I don't understand his resistance to getting help, but I am still convinced that you making appointments for him is a symptom of the same set of problems. It sounds like he needs to grow up, but no one is putting up adult boundaries around him to force him to do so.

You can very lovingly give him space to fix this problem and be a total harda$$ about him doing the work.

I speak from experience when I say this problem is fixable.


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

Well, I wouldn't actually say that love is what prompted me to stick around. He fessed up on our third "date" (which wasn't a date), and I was not in love with him at that point. I just liked him, found him kind of adorable. But between the third and fourth dates I definitely did a big soul search as to whether I could be with him and his...particular set of problems.

What I remember thinking was: i can do this for him. I wasn't thinking long-term. I did not consider myself available for a serious relationship. But I did think that I could help him out in terms of being an open-minded non-judgmental lover. And since I was so appreciative of the courage I knew it must have took him to tell me his situation, I felt I owed him ... something. And I wanted to give it to him if I could. Obviously I couldn't forsee that it would be one problem after another and that I'd still be giving three years later. That's crazy to me, but THAT's love.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

virginswife said:


> And since I was so appreciative of the courage I knew it must have took him to tell me his situation, I felt I owed him ... something.


Isn't that a perfect description of the dance you have set up in your relationship?

He is vulnerable and needy and you are strong and fix stuff.

Break that dynamic - fix your relationship.

It sounds like you guys love each other. I hope hubby takes the therapy seriously and that you are able to fix this.

Good luck.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

In reading this thread, the phrase "Physician, heal thyself" came to mind.

You guys have a broken relationship dynamic, and it's not just all on the side of your husband.

While it's great he's going to seek some counseling (which he should have made the appointment for himself btw), er .... can counselors themselves go to counseling?

Maybe you need to, so that you can gain some insight into not just why you would embark on this kind of relationship, why you would stay with this kind of relationship, but more importantly how to break the cycle of dependence that you may have that causes you to embark in a marriage with someone who is your 'personal project.'

It's like you recognize the red flags in doing so, but you plunge ahead anyway. That isn't healthy.

Best wishes.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

virginswife said:


> I was so appreciative of the courage I knew it must have took him to tell me his situation, I felt I owed him ... something.


This stood out to me too. Why would you think you owe someone anything just because they shared a flaw? Lots of people have flaws and lots of people might share them with me but that does not bind or obligate me to them. It's their problem not mine. 

And why would you appreciate the sharing? What need is that fulfilling in you?


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

For a site called talking about marriage, a lot of people sure seem to undervalue it. No wonder so many american marriages end in divorce. The attitude here seems to be "if it's broke, toss it aside". But none of us are without flaws. 
My marriage isn't perfect but I'm proud of where we are and how hard we've worked. I'm also proud of all the perfect moments in between. People arent disposable. If your heart is wide open then it should be very spouse's objective to help the other reach his or her potential. He is not just a broken object, he's my friend and support and confidant, and he deserves a good life too, one that I believe can be achieved with enough love and understanding. Is it always easy? Of course not.
But the moment he sat before me, vulnerable, and opened up, we shared something profound. To carry a dark secret for 30 years and then to finally trust someone with it - that bonded us. 
"Their problem not mine" is a selfish attitude that gets you nowhere. Instead I shared it with him, I halved it for him, and he in turns carries some of my burdens. What need is it fulfilling? The need for beautiful, honest moments that connect people. 
There is so much more to life than just oneself.
May you all find your own pieces of that.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

As I said in my last comment, I wish you and your hubby well.

FNG


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Stop dumping on the poor guy like he's a lost cause! We all have our hang-ups and all are made-up of the same imperfect stuff. Let's give some constructive criticism for God's sake! My initial thoughts/perceptions for the OP:

Your husband lived a very sheltered life most likely. Probably was raised in a very religious household by mostly asexual parents who viewed sexuality as a necessary evil to propagate the species. He didn't have great, healthy sexual role models in his formative years growing-up. He has been conditioned that "sex is bad". Most of this conditioning is sub-conscious. Your challenge is to affect this sub-conscious programming, re-programming a healthier outlook. It is possible. Don't give up! You need to create a stress-free environment. You can't have great sex in a stressful environment. He is under a lot of stress to perform/improve. He thinks he is going to lose you and is in a negative feedback loop. You need to build-up his confidence. Greater confidence, less stress, more/better sex. The first thing you need to do is to stop convincing/agreeing with him that "he's broken" and/or there is something fundamentally wrong with him. If you're already sure the plumbing is working and the hormone levels look good stop pursuing the "let's find out what's wrong with you" by going to doctors x, y, z route. I can tell already that this is a MENTAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL problem. You need to attack it from that angle. Some ideas:

1) Get him on Cialis (better than Viagra as it lasts 36 hours or so). I agree you don't want to rely on it long-term but it is very valuable now for both it's real effects as well as it's placebo effects. He will be less stressed mentally not having to worry about losing the wind in the sails. As things improve you can start cutting this out.
2) You might also consider certain herbal supplements ("horny goat weed" or epimedium comes to mind) as they can boost libido sometimes significantly. Also beneficial for placebo effect. Can find HGW at most health food stores. Also consider DHEA as he's approaching 40.
3) Create a great environment for sex. Switch-out the light in your room to either a red light or a blacklight. Make sure this is the only source of illumination in the room. It does make a difference (seriously try it!) Maybe candles in the bathroom. Incense. Also, music.
4) Good hygiene (given). Make sure you're both smelling good. Wear something sexy. Most men love curves -- wear something that accentuates yours.
5) Before you turn to the love nest, you might consider dressing-up nice and going on the town bar-hopping, dancing, etc. Lighten-up the mood. Your man needs to RELAX and CUT-LOOSE. Not sure your stance on alcohol/weed but a bit of inebriation probably would help. Also, flirt and be playful. Remember sex starts in the brain. You need to bypass his massive mental roadblock.
6) Oh, and exercise. Not sure if he exercises regularly but if not he should. Cardio and resistance. He will feel better about himself, will feel more confident about his appearance (especially naked), and it will beneficially effect his libido.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

I think the OP probably left already I see...too bad.


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