# Cutting out my inlaws & moving on



## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Soon after my husband and I got married almost 6 years ago I realized that his relationship with his parents were very different than the relationship that I have with my parents. Basically I was prepared for responsibility and he wasn't. Finding out that they had been supporting him all this time caused a lot of marital conflict between us because in reality we were on two different levels regarding maturity, but we have moved past that and he supports himself. But this leads me to my issue.

He wants to cut them out of our lives and I have a hard time with that because I feel guilt, like it's my fault and my dad died a few years ago and I can't imagine him not having a relationship with his parents. But he has valid points to wanting to move on and maybe I should just let it go and start the healing process for myself too.

My husband and his parents do not have a bond. They do not have conversations with eachother that are meaningful. They have never been interested in either of their children (my husband and his sister) accomplishing goals in life or facing consequences on their own. They feel like they are helping their children by just giving. My mother in law states that she "loves her children unconditionally" and she gives unconditionally. My MIL has never worked and almost has an unlimited spending habit and I just have nothing in common with her. Over the years she has complained about my husband "working all the time" when he just works a straight 40 hours. She doesn't understand how the real world works, at all. I came from a hard working family where the women in my life are very independent so it's always been hard to have a conversation with my MIL.

Over the years any family gathering or conversation that I've had with my MIL has turned to complete garbage because my husband's sister and all of her issues are brought up by my MIL. Her daughter lives at home with them, hasn't worked in years, has a child that they are raising with zero discipline has money handed to her daily, gets in trouble with the law and is bailed out by them...the list goes on. The grandson is in the 4th grade and sleeps on a bunkbed in my inlaws bedroom! And my inlaws just give and give and complain about her or how she is a victim, or how misbehaved the grandson is at every family gathering, or everytime we talk to them. It consumed the respect that my husband had for his parents because over time they stopped having an interest in who he really was, and focused all their attention on my husbands sister and her son. Eventually there was no room for us within the family. I got to a breaking point after having a conversation with his sister once and I told her to get a job and to start having some self-worth, she ran to her mom and after that my MIL will not have anything to do with me, at all.

My inlaws no longer contact me just to ask how I am, even though I have text them and asked how they are and my MIL will unload on me about all the bad things she is going through, but seriously she doesn't ask me about my life. They do not ask about my children any longer (they are from a previous marriage). She doesn't wish them a happy birthday any longer or ask about their sports or academic achievements. They haven't even been to our house in over 2 years. It hurts me that they are not interested in seeing the home that their son lives in and what we have accomplished together. We haven't been invited to family gatherings in a year and a half. Of course my husband is but my kids and I are not invited. I haven't been to their house for Christmas in over 2 years and I had my husband bring his mom a cute gift I had put together for her this last Christmas and she didn't even reach out to thank me. All because I told their daughter to get off her selfish ass and get a job because when my inlaws die she won't survive the world and WE are NOT going to be responsible for helping her like my inlaws do and my husband and I are so incredibly sick of hearing about her and her bratty son.

My husband wants me to quit trying to have a relationship with them. He has explained that they will not change or listen to what I have to say and it wouldn't matter who he had married, nobody would have been "good enough" for him in their eyes. His mom doesn't understand the real world and plays a constant victim and he is tired of them constantly offering help and wants to be treated like an adult. He is 36 years old. He also has resentment towards them for not preparing him for adulthood when he was a child, and just being helicopter parents. He has stated that he cannot grow into the man he wants to be until they are cut out permanently. It's been tough on our marriage but he is on the right path and is achieving. 

Is it okay to just let go of the guilt and move on? Maybe it's their fault and because they refuse to accept me I should be thankful that he has chosen our family and chosen to take the path of responsibility and I should be thankful that my kids are not involved in the toxic situation that occurs daily over in that household.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@Rlc307, what is your argument against your husband's wishes? Do you want to be further exposed to the "toxic situation", as you put it? Do you think it will be better or worse for your children to be exposed to family who don't seem to care for them?

I applaud your H for his decision. I think you are on the right path when you look at your H with thankfulness that he prioritized and protected you and the family you have together. 

From your post, it sounds like you highly value family and maybe that is why you feel badly about your H stopping contact. Be careful of modeling to your kids the idea that they should accept abuse from people in certain positions (e.g. parents or spouses/significant others.) Now, you and your H are modeling the value of family by closing in the ranks to protect yourselves. I think that is a very strong and excellent move!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you should let go of the guilt and just move on. They don't want you and your children in their lives so why keep trying to get them to accept you. Be thankful your husband is making the choice he is because otherwise you'd be dealing with that toxic situation for a long time.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I am sorry this is happening to your family. They seem pretty toxic, best to just leave them alone.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Of course you want to have a healthy, happy relationship with your in-laws, but your in-laws don't want a relationship with you at all. They want you to leave them alone. The title of your thread is - "Re: Cutting out my inlaws & moving on." In reality they have cut you out, not the other way around.

Continuing to try to make it work with them is only causing you pain. You want your husband to have a positive relationship with them, but it's not only up to him. It's not up to you. In order to have a good relationship with someone, both parties have to be willing to be in relationship and to make it work. That's not happening here and continuing to try to force yourself on them is not making things better. Let it go. Focus on the family you have made. Nurture them. Nurture your positive relationships. Don't worry about those who aren't interested in having relationship with you.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Thanks for the support and comments, I really appreciate them and everyone's honesty. The guilt I felt was previously because I felt like it was my fault that he would choose not to have a relationship with them..like a them vs me thing. I didn't want him to feel resentment towards me down the road. However; if I had to guess, this would have eventually happened even if my H and I wouldn't have met. I do value family and that really is another problem I had because my relationship with them came to a sudden stop once I finally provided a realistic opinion over something that they continue to victimize themselves over. But that's not our problem any longer.
H and I talked after I posted. We were going to try one more time to open our home to them and invite them for dinner at our house. But I decided that it's best that we move on so he can finally move on as well and concentrate on our household. I'm no longer going to try and be accepted by people who don't appreciate anything about our lives. So, we sat down and blocked all of their numbers on the Verizon account and I can't tell you how great it feels to let go!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good choice.


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