# how serious to be after 3 months?



## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Apparently there's a very low likelihood my bf of 3 months would accept a travel position in his company next year for a year- very low, & it's not something he'd really want because he doesn't like moving.

I said, "I don't know if I'm supposed to take you mentioning the possibility of choosing to move far away for a year as a hint that you just see me as something temporary to have fun with and wouldn't ever feel seriously about me or wanting to stay with me." He said "if that were true, then why would I invest so much time /energy into our relationship, considering how very busy I am?!" (I practically live there, I sleep there 7 nights/week, we go out with each other's friends and go on little road trips and do everything together.) I said, "Even people who just want a girl to casually have fun with can still "put time into it." He said "I guess that's true. But next year is still far away & my approach in a relationship is just to see how things go. If moving for a year ever became a serious thought- which is VERY unlikely- then of course youd be the first to know." What am I supposed to make of this?


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

What exactly is a travel position? 
Maybe he'll ask you to go with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Three months is too soon to be too serious. It takes at least a year to find out if a person is a good choice for marriage.

You jumped into this relationship very quickly. Now you are there and finding out that he is not even sure he will be sticking around in a year.

If you like him a lot, as it seems you do, maybe you stick it out with the knowledge that dating is a period of time to find out if the two of you have a future together. Right now is not a commitment. There is a high chance that for one reason or another the two of you will not be together in a year. Its a journey.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you like him a lot, as it seems you do, maybe you stick it out with the knowledge that dating is a period of time to find out if the two of you have a future together. Right now is not a commitment. .


You're right. That's why I told him, "I'm not saying that right now we are anything serious. I'm just saying that if you know you would never intend to be serious at any point because that's just not what you're looking for, then I'd want to know that." To me, it's not about how much you like the other person vs not - it's whether you know yourself and that you don't want anything serious, period, because you're not that kind of person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> You're right. That's why I told him, "I'm not saying that right now we are anything serious. I'm just saying that if you know you would never intend to be serious at any point because that's just not what you're looking for, then I'd want to know that." To me, it's not about how much you like the other person vs not - it's whether you know yourself and that you don't want anything serious, period, *because you're not that kind of person*.


You are both young right? 

He might be more career minded right now than marriage minded right now.

He probably is 'that kind of person".. someone who wants a long term relationship/marriage. But this might not be the right time and you might not be the right person.

You seem very focused on finding a guy to be with long term instead of dating. I get this between this guy and the last one.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He probably is 'that kind of person".. someone who wants a long term relationship/marriage. But this might not be the right time and you might not be the right person.


What specifically gives you this impression?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He probably is 'that kind of person".. someone who wants a long term relationship/marriage. But this might not be the right time and you might not be the right person.





learning112 said:


> What specifically gives you this impression?


You are young so I assume you are dating a young guy. Younger men tend to be more focused on career than on marriage. Sure they want a girlfriend, but they want to make a life for themselves before even thinking of marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Remind me.. how old are you and this new guy?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

We are both mid-20s


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Speaking as a man I think you're jumping the gun a little asking him too many questions about this thing that didn't even happen yet and trying to read so much into what he said -- if it were me it would just make me nervous that you were asking so much about it. I would let go of it for now and cross the bridge if/when you actually come to it.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I'm always insecure. It's my lifetime personality. I will come to his place every night late- like 10pm- assuming that otherwise ill annoy him and I'm better off not burdening him. Meanwhile he seems bewildered by the way I insist on always keeping "space."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I'm always insecure.


Being insecure is your lifetime personality? This statement is so unhealthy that it’s of great concern. If this is the case you need to be putting your energy into fixing yourself and not trying to hook up with guys. Any relationship you get into will be based on you trying to fill your insecurities through a man. It certainly explains both your last relationship and this one.


learning112 said:


> I will come to his place every night late- like 10pm- assuming that otherwise ill annoy him and I'm better off not burdening him. Meanwhile he seems bewildered by the way I insist on always keeping "space."


Stop this! You are making yourself a booty call. 

How often does he ask you out and do things outside of his place with you?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Long story, due to a living situation issue I can't stay at my place for a little whole which is why I've been over every night. But I don't want to come over early in night because I figure then I'm too much in his way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is this living situation? How long will it last?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Please get some counseling to deal with your low self esteem and insecurity.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

That's a very vague and open question. There are so many variables there is no way to answer it. 

My now H and I were casually dating while seeing other people for about 3 weeks. We more or less broke it off and didn't have contact for a few weeks. Then there was an issue with my vehicle one night and he came to pick me up and took me back to his house. We briefly discussed things and it seemed easier to stay with him for a bit as he could give me a ride to and from work until my car was available. I was renting a room from my sister at the time and made a comment about paying $200 a month to basically store my stuff there as I was never home (even before I was staying with him.) I didn't mean or insinuate anything by it, it was just an offhand comment. He was living with roommates at the time and says "well, I'm getting my own apartment in a few weeks, you can keep your stuff there." It took me 2 days before I realized he wanted me to move in with him. It was a giant DUH moment for me! 7 months after the apartment we bought a house and a month later we had a baby. 6 years down the road and we are married.

So, how serious you are after 3 months really depends on the people involved. The fact that he even brought it up kind of makes me believe that he's at least thinking about the idea of you still being around in a year when it happens.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Your story sounds like mine...


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Found out I was "oops" pregnant before we were really "together" and I had told him he could keep the baby if he wanted, but I was already raising 3 boys on my own and I was NOT raising another one! We had actually decided an abortion would be in the best interest for everyone. I know people will judge me for that, but whatever. I had no interest in being a single mother to 4 children when I was already struggling with the 3 I had and adoption wasn't an option. Anyway, we were driving one day and he referred to the fetus as a "she". AHHH! He made it a baby, not a thing!! I looked at him and rather angrily said "You know I have to keep it now." He just smiled and said "I know." I was pretty ticked until I realized he was serious about sticking around. How he knew it was a girl I'll never know, especially since I had 3 boys and he had 2 boys from previous marriages. But he was buying pink baby stuff long before we had a gender confirmed. He swears he KNEW!

Anyway, sorry to go so offtrack. Your bf sounds like he's pretty serious without outright saying it. Maybe he either assumes you know or is afraid of scaring you off because 3 months isn't very long in reality. Either way, I wouldn't stress about it. Just take it a day at a time and enjoy each other. Don't worry about what' might or might not happen in a year, 6 months, etc.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I think My insecurity is a huge problem. Friday night he came to a company party with me. Saturday he spent whole day & night w me, taking me to a dozen different apts (as I said, I'm looking for a new place & currently living w him). And he offered to come to all those, I didn't ask. But today this other couple wants to go to a haunted house w us. My BF has been stressed & down about a work issue, & today he said that he wants to be productive, get work done & try to resolve this issue from home today (he has to go into office tomorrow), but I should def go w our friends if I want. Meanwhile I catch myself secretly thinking he hates & wants to break up w me because he's ok w spending today apart.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Definitely seek counseling for your self esteem/insecurity. It is so incredibly self destructive! Not only are you always having these internal struggles but they will and probably do come out as exceptionally clingy and co-dependent. Characteristics that will often chase off amazing men. 
He wants to work on an issue regarding his livelihood, his career. That is up there on the priority list whereas a haunted house, not so much. But he doesn't want you hanging out bored while he's trying to work. Nothing wrong with that. I'm sure he'd love to shuck work but has enough responsibility to know that isn't how the real world works. Hope you enjoyed the haunted house and that you can calm down and realize that this guy cares about you before you sabotage the relationship!


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Thank you. While im looking for new aprt, He's offered & been so sweet about coming to all the appointments with me, letting. Me stay with him in meantime for over a month, and is just great. Yet I fixate upon fact that after 3 months of dating he isn't asking me to move in permanently yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

learning, I don't think you necessarily need counseling, I just think you need to chill the heck out. Some women tend to overanalyze every.single.thing. a guy says or does in a new relationship. 

He is into you. Period. When he isn't into you, he will tell you or really really show you. Taking a day for himself is NOT showing you that. Soooo chiilllll!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

learning112 said:


> Thank you. While im looking for new aprt, He's offered & been so sweet about coming to all the appointments with me, letting. Me stay with him in meantime for over a month, and is just great. *Yet I fixate upon fact that after 3 months of dating he isn't asking me to move in permanently yet.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but that is a self-defeating expectation. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect anyone to ask you to move in after 3 months of dating. That's too much too soon.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

3 months is too soon. But you can ask him "Where do you see our relatinship going" to get a better feel.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> But you can ask him "Where do you see our relatinship going" to get a better feel.


He's said that his approach with a relationship is to see how things go. I've explained to him that I don't expect for him to have long-term answers right now, but if he were the type of person who knew for sure that he didn't want to be serious or settle down & that wasn't his lifestyle, then I needed to know that. I think that's probably sufficient for 3 months - the way he treats me seems very consistent with someone who could be serious.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I feel paranoid all the time, if he chooses to spend 2 hours working on his car instead of talking to me now that we live together for the next 6 weeks, i assume he does not like me anymore. It's a miserable way to live but how do I stop?


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