# What should I do?



## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

I’m going to try to keep this short. My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years. We’ve been together for a total of 6 years. In the beginning the sex rate was okay. When we finally moved in together, we were having sex around 2 times a week, sometimes 1. It was never great. Fast forward to now, it’s almost once every two weeks. Sometimes none in the two weeks. Whenever we do have sex, I feel like she’s just doing it as a favor. We’ve had numerous talks about how it’s ruining our marriage and it’s making me feel different ways that I don’t want to feel. She’s said times before that she’ll try to have sex more or maybe we can get help but nothing has changed. Would I be wrong for getting a divorce over this? I don’t know what else to do. I can’t keep living like this. I love this women with all my heart and just the thought of leaving her breaks me but I’m human, I need sex more than once every 2 weeks. She knows this and she knows how it makes me feel and still has yet to help do anything about it. Please help.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Are you sure your a good lover for her?

If a woman isn't satisfyied then after awhile she don't want to put the effort into having sex only to be disapointed that she didn't orgasm.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Does she say no? 

Or are you waiting for her to be the aggressor? 

Have you talked to her about her expectations about how sex is supposed to happen? Does she expect you to be the one to always initiate sex?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She'll try to have sex more? That's an easy promise to fulfill, if she cared to. I would disengage from her and give her an idea of what life would be like without you. Start going out by yourself, exercising at the gym, seeing a man movie by yourself, or just walking around the mall. It will also serve to give you an idea of what life would be like without her. Start mentally removing your dependence on her for intimacy and affection. When she questions you, answer honestly that you cannot depend on her for intimacy, so you're learning to live without it. Where that will lead to is something she should consider carefully. 

Do you have kids? If not, make sure you don't plan on any until she figures out the problem. Don't let her fool you into conceiving one either.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tickle4589: Sorry to hear about your problem and it can be frustrating. Your tale is a very classic one here on the forums. I encourage you to read many of the other threads
here and do some self evaluation. When your ready, come back here and give some further details on your situation. With very few details the responses you receive will be
everything from "Your a pig" to "That b*tch doesn't deserve you!" Take into consideration many people here have been through some bad times in relationships and have
been jaded.

Happy reading....and do report back!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She needs to know how much this affects you and that it cant go on. I don't think that ending the marriage over it is right at all, but some good MC may help. 

Does she reject you? Or does she just not initiate?
Do you have children?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

As it stands your wife is quite happy in her marriage and other than you occasionally complaining about lack of sex she will remain happy.She doesn’t have much respect for you and she shows it by agreeing with your concerns but then doing nothing to alleviate them.
You need to start showing your wife that while you love her and want her in your life you don’t need her.You want a partner for life and that partnership includes sex.
You are less than three years married and if you don’t act now you will be in the same situation in ten years except with maybe a child or two to add to the mixture.Therapy may help your wife but if she sees sex as her wifely duty and doesn’t enjoy it then you need to cut your losses and divorce.
Read some of the threads on this forum about men and sometimes women who stayed in virtually sexless marriages hoping something would change but it never does.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

She may just have a low sex drive. Sometimes that can be treated. Sometimes it can't. Having mismatched drives is a huge problem in a marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FalCod said:


> She may just have a low sex drive. Sometimes that can be treated. Sometimes it can't. Having mismatched drives is a huge problem in a marriage.


That's where compromise comes in. Its not all about me me me in marriage. 
if he wants sex twice a week and she wants sex twice a month, how about once a week?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with Andy. If it is bad now, it will be worse in ten years. Throw a kid or two and a house into the mix and you are trapped in a living hell. Take action now. If she doesn't respond to talking and refuses to do anything about it, you have to make a decision.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

As you see, the more committed you are, the more sex has dropped. 
Move in... drop
Married... drop

Are you building desire.. are you attractive? Would/do other women find you f*ck-able?

I would recommend "Married Man Sex Life Primer"


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Steve2.0 said:


> As you see, the more committed you are, the more sex has dropped.
> Move in... drop
> Married... drop
> 
> Are you building desire.. are you attractive? Would/do other women find you f*ck-able?


Yes, _are you_ still f*ck-able? Many times we read about _one_ side of the story, and take that writer's side. Then on Post #19 they mention that they gained 100 lb, or went "natural" and don't use soap any more. So while yes, you two should have an agreeable frequency,..... Are you holding up your end of the contract and still being emotionally and physically attractive to her?


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Yes, _are you_ still f*ck-able? Many times we read about _one_ side of the story, and take that writer's side. Then on Post #19 they mention that they gained 100 lb, or went "natural" and don't use soap any more. So while yes, you two should have an agreeable frequency,..... Are you holding up your end of the contract and still being emotionally and physically attractive to her?


Agree, and yes, the last thing you want to do is smell like a wet gunny sack......:nono:

Best of luck resolving this....


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You need to have a calm and loving talk with her about why she is no longer into intimacy. If she gives you specific reasons that logically would lead to less intimacy (e.g. you spend too much time away from home), the work on fixing those things. But if she gives you vague and subjective reasons (e.g. I don't feel loved enough), then it's much harder to fix. In the second case, she's letting you know that intimacy is not a priority for her and that it's your responsibility to do all the work to improve it. Likely this will get worse over time.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Are you going to post again, or was this just a passing interest?


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## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

No, I haven’t gained 100 pounds. Matter of fact, she actually gained quite a bit weight since we first met while I almost gained nothing. For a while, I was asking and trying but as she kept rejecting and turning me down more and more, I stopped because I don’t like rejection. So now I’ll ask and sometimes she says yes and doesn’t do anything and sometimes she’ll have a reason not to. I love her so much and we’ve had multiple talks already. No kids yet but we did buy a house together. The house and loan are in her name as well as my truck being in both our names. Not sure how that would play out in divorce. We also filed bankruptcy together (I know, we were young and didn’t stop using credit cards) one big problem is I’m close with her family, especially her dad because I work with him. I know I shouldn’t worry about that because my happiness is more important than him yelling at me. I do appreciate everyone’s comments. I may have one more talk with her and I may bring up divorce but I’m terrified about how she’ll react once she realizes I’m serious.


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## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

I understand everyone’s marriage is different but this isn’t uncommon right? Like most healthy marriages are sex filled, right?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Tickle4589 said:


> I understand everyone’s marriage is different but this isn’t uncommon right? Like most healthy marriages are sex filled, right?


Yes, everyone is different, but sex at the beginning should be easy and frequent. At this point for you, 2-3 times a week should be pretty easy. After you're older and been married for decades, the frequency might be more like 1-2 per week, but that's okay since it's not as important then.

Based on what you've described, it doesn't sound like there's a great outcome. She seems checked out from an intimacy perspective--almost like you've been friendzoned. From experience and many threads here, it's not easy to turn this around. You might be able to get her to understand the importance of intimacy to the relationship and do her wifely duty, but it's unlikely that she'll actually regain the passion or desire she once had.

I think you should drop the bomb that you've been thinking about the future of the relationship and you're struggling to see how you could be happy in a platonic marriage. Ask her if she sees a way to turn it around. If she seems willing to work towards a solution, then there's hope. But if she pushes back and says it's all your fault, then it's not likely to be fixed.

If you guys were just dating and this was going on, what would you do?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Tickle4589 said:


> I may have one more talk with her and I may bring up divorce but I’m terrified about how she’ll react once she realizes I’m serious.


How do you anticipate she'll react? Why are you terrified?


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## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

When we were dating, it was slightly better but honestly I should have caught on them because it still wasn’t great. I just love her and I thought being married would have changed it.


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## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

I anticipate her getting really upset and either very angry or very sad and possibly staying over her parents and then the cats out of the bag and I’m hated by her friends and family.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Who knows what most is.

My marriage is sex filled. That's good enough for me.

I can't imagine a wife who is physically able saying no, if she cared about her husband. In my opinion the fact she turns you down a few times proves she doesn't love you, and that's plenty of reason to turn the whole damned fleet over.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Tickle4589 said:


> I anticipate her getting really upset and either very angry or very sad and possibly staying over her parents and then the cats out of the bag and I’m hated by her friends and family.


Perhaps planning out exactly what you will say and how could help alleviate some of your anxiety. You can phrase your conversation in a way to minimize the hurt it would cause her by avoiding placing the blame on her.

It's not clear though, are planning to tell her that you want a divorce or are you advising her that you're willing to give it another try if she does x,y,z?


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## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

I want to explain once again how bad this hurts me and tell her I’m willing to work on it and get help if she is. I’m willing to give her another chance but if it continues to become the same routine, then I have to consider divorce for my well being. I know she loves me. She claims she just has a low sex drive which I completely understand but is it fair for me to suffer in this marriage while you remain happy? Ya know??


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Have you told her before it's your way or the highway?

Personally I don't see why you haven't yet, if you haven't. 

If she hasn't become amorous, that's one thing. But saying no is completely different.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Tickle4589 said:


> I want to explain once again how bad this hurts me and tell her I’m willing to work on it and get help if she is. I’m willing to give her another chance but if it continues to become the same routine, then I have to consider divorce for my well being. I know she loves me. She claims she just has a low sex drive which I completely understand but is it fair for me to suffer in this marriage while you remain happy? Ya know??


You've identified that her low sex drive is the root of the problem. What is your ideal frequency? Is her ideal once/2 weeks? Or was that her compromise? 

My sis and her husband have mismatched drives. They both were aware of this difference because he was open about it from the early dating days. She'd prefer once/day, he could go once/month. They've settled on once/week. While she would like it more often, she admits that he puts so much effort into that one time per week that it goes a long way in making up for the difference.

What solution do you plan to propose to make this work for both of you?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

How old are you and she?



Tickle4589 said:


> I want to explain once again how bad this hurts me and tell her I’m willing to work on it and get help if she is. I’m willing to give her another chance but if it continues to become the same routine, then I have to consider divorce for my well being.


You have to realize that "willing to work at it" means she continually makes an effort for sex to happen. Whether she looks at it like a weekly chore or goes along because she loves you, it will be a conscious choice for her. It is extremely unlikely that she will ever truly want intimacy on a regular basis. For you, this isn't the case. You don't have to do anything to want sex. But for her, likely she'll always have to work at it or find some incentive that makes her have sex.

You sound like you're fearful of divorce, which is understandable, but make sure you weigh it against what it means to spend a lifetime in this type of intimacy environment.


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## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

She never compromised anything. My perposal to her is first let’s find the problem. Is it really just a low sex drive? Is there something wrong with me? With her? I want to find the REAL problem first with no more excuses and then go on from there. My ideal rate would be 2-3 times every 7 days. I believe that’s also fair for a low sex drive person. The main thing is I want her to also want it, not just do it because I’m going to leave or it’s her chore. I am very fearful of divorce because I have no idea what to expect. I don’t want to be screwed paying and owing and never living a happy life again. I don’t want to regret it either that’s why I’m giving her one more chance for us to fix it. Something has to be done. This has been bothering me for months now and I just can’t keep going with all this built up inside me.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Get the book The 5 Love Languages and BOTH of you read it. Your both talking past each other.
Then as others have said, get in the best shape possible, make sure your taking care of your share of the duties around the house. Be the best you that you can be.

Then give her this link - https://forgivenwife.com/sexless-marriage-loveless-marriage/ and let her know that sex is a big issue for you.

Whatever you do DON'T get her pregnant! That will give her leverage that could really mess you up. Once your sex life is better on a consistent basis, then kids could be talked about.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Tickle4589 said:


> She never compromised anything. My perposal to her is first let’s find the problem. Is it really just a low sex drive? Is there something wrong with me? With her? I want to find the REAL problem first with no more excuses and then go on from there. My ideal rate would be 2-3 times every 7 days. I believe that’s also fair for a low sex drive person. The main thing is I want her to also want it, not just do it because I’m going to leave or it’s her chore.* I am very fearful of divorce because I have no idea what to expect.* I don’t want to be screwed paying and owing and never living a happy life again. I don’t want to regret it either that’s why I’m giving her one more chance for us to fix it. Something has to be done. This has been bothering me for months now and I just can’t keep going with all this built up inside me.


This is a big part of your problem too, she can smell the fear on you. There is a saying on TAM that "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it".

It's true. My wife was more than happy to ignore my needs until I said "Talk to a counselor about what happened in your past or I'm signing divorce papers"

You either work on it now, or be miserable until you finally look at yourself in the mirror one morning and say "WTF am I doing in this marriage?". By then, so much resentment will have built up that it will be harder to save your marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Tickle4589 said:


> I understand everyone’s marriage is different but this isn’t uncommon right? Like most healthy marriages are sex filled, right?


 I'd like to point out it doesn't matter. What other people are happy with isn't relevant to you. What matters is what you're happy with.



Tickle4589 said:


> She never compromised anything. My proposal to her is first let’s find the problem. Is it really just a low sex drive? Is there something wrong with me? With her? I want to find the REAL problem first with no more excuses and then go on from there. My ideal rate would be 2-3 times every 7 days. I believe that’s also fair for a low sex drive person. The main thing is I want her to also want it, not just do it because I’m going to leave or it’s her chore. I am very fearful of divorce because I have no idea what to expect. I don’t want to be screwed paying and owing and never living a happy life again. I don’t want to regret it either that’s why I’m giving her one more chance for us to fix it. Something has to be done. This has been bothering me for months now and I just can’t keep going with all this built up inside me.


The "real problem" might simply be that there is nothing wrong with either of you and it's simply that she isn't really into sex or isn't really into you through no fault of your own.

2-3 times in 7 days would probably seem like a LOT to a low drive person. 

You have to accept that if she wanted to have sex with you for her own reasons and not out of fear you'll leave, she would be already doing that. 

If you're fearful of a divorce you need to speak with a few local lawyers to get a picture of what a divorce would look like. Also, you need to recognize that the longer you are married the more you stand to lose in a divorce. Divorcing at 3 years is much less painful, financially and otherwise, than divorcing at 15 years.

DO NOT have a child with this woman. Insist using condoms when you do have sex. You DO NOT want to bring a child into an unstable marriage and a child would make a future divorce more expensive, anyways. So, just don't.


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> Have you told her before it's your way or the highway?
> 
> Personally I don't see why you haven't yet, if you haven't.
> 
> If she hasn't become amorous, that's one thing. But saying no is completely different.



If he tells her that it's his way or the highway, she should leave him. That's no way to run a marriage.

If sex wasn't good when you were dating, perhaps you're not a good lover. Have you done some research on pleasing your wife?

You said that the house is in her name. Why is that? Have you done things to make her lose respect for you?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

"My way or the highway" is just another way of saying honey if this doesn't change we are going to end up divorced.

No matter how nicely anyone dresses it up, mentioning divorce is an ultimatum.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

wilson said:


> Yes, everyone is different, but sex at the beginning should be easy and frequent. At this point for you, 2-3 times a week should be pretty easy. After you're older and been married for decades, the frequency might be more like 1-2 per week, but that's okay since it's not as important then.


People really have sex 1 or 2 times a week consistently? We can go a few weeks without. Then we rage on 4 or 5 times in a couple of days. Some weeks are dry and some weeks are crazy good. That sounds like a chore and devoid of any fun, desire, passion and umph. I would not love that. I guess that is ok, since neither would DH. It just seems weird to consider that some kind of "norm".


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## Tickle4589 (Mar 5, 2018)

I really do appreciate everything everyone has said. I just talked to her and she is angry and accusing me of cheating and she’s saying that’s why I want a divorce. This is what I was afraid of. I don’t understand it. I was very calm and made it clear that I want us to work at it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Tickle4589 said:


> No, I haven’t gained 100 pounds. Matter of fact, she actually gained quite a bit weight since we first met while I almost gained nothing. For a while, I was asking and trying but as she kept rejecting and turning me down more and more, I stopped because I don’t like rejection. So now I’ll *ask *and sometimes she says yes and doesn’t do anything and sometimes she’ll have a reason not to. I love her so much and we’ve had multiple talks already. No kids yet but we did buy a house together. The house and loan are in her name as well as my truck being in both our names. Not sure how that would play out in divorce. We also filed bankruptcy together (I know, we were young and didn’t stop using credit cards) one big problem is I’m close with her family, especially her dad because I work with him. I know I shouldn’t worry about that because my happiness is more important than him yelling at me. I do appreciate everyone’s comments. I may have one more talk with her and I may bring up divorce but I’m terrified about how she’ll react once she realizes I’m serious.


What is your romantic life like? If my husband asked me if we could have sex I would definitely ew the heck out. Do you guys romance, flirt, play?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Tickle4589 said:


> I really do appreciate everything everyone has said. I just talked to her and she is angry and accusing me of cheating and she’s saying that’s why I want a divorce. This is what I was afraid of. I don’t understand it. I was very calm and made it clear that I want us to work at it.


That divorce word. It's a fighting word, not a thinking word.

Good luck.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Tickle4589 said:


> I really do appreciate everything everyone has said. I just talked to her and she is angry and accusing me of cheating and she’s saying that’s why I want a divorce. This is what I was afraid of. I don’t understand it. I was very calm and made it clear that I want us to work at it.


In my opinion: She doesn't love you, she isn't attracted to you, and she doesn't want to work at it. That's why she reacted that way and accusing you of cheating, so you are the bad guy.

I wish I had some advice. Depending on what you want to do, you may get some help here.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Workathome said:


> If he tells her that it's his way or the highway, she should leave him. That's no way to run a marriage.
> 
> If sex wasn't good when you were dating, perhaps you're not a good lover. Have you done some research on pleasing your wife?
> 
> You said that the house is in her name. Why is that? Have you done things to make her lose respect for you?


Maybe she's frigid. Maybe she baited and switched. 

That's no way to run a marriage either.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> People really have sex 1 or 2 times a week consistently? We can go a few weeks without. Then we rage on 4 or 5 times in a couple of days. Some weeks are dry and some weeks are crazy good. That sounds like a chore and devoid of any fun, desire, passion and umph. I would not love that. I guess that is ok, since neither would DH. It just seems weird to consider that some kind of "norm".


I meant that's more like the average. That's about 4-8 times per month. It sounds like you're probably in the same range. It doesn't mean that people are like, "It's time for the Saturday night chore."

But even so, there's no right answer. It's up to the couple to decide what works for them. If once a year works, then once a year is fine. But what often happens in these cases is that the frequency is not working for the couple. If one person is very unsatisfied with the frequency, then there is a problem.

In many LD relationships, the LD partner has very little desire for sex. There is no sex rage that happens later. It's just no sex day after day. In those kinds of relationships, it may actually work best to have a specific days for sex. That allows the LD partner time to get into the right frame of mind and not worry about it on the other days.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, right now you are trying to push a rope.

Each time you interact with her over the problematic sex life, you're pushing the Rope harder. And each time, all it does is curl up even tighter on you.

If you really want things to change, they can. But you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to do so.

Are you willing?

For reference, I was exactly where you were in January 2014. It took a ton of growth, on both of our parts, to find a satisfactory resolution.

However, it wasn't until I understood how to pull the rope rather than push it that she decided to change as well.

The ball is in your court, dude.

One more thing. Stop threatening divorce. Full stop. No more. Got it?
@MEM2020


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Be sure to listen to FarSideJunky.

I am known for being too pessimistic. And My wife says I talk in riddles too often. Such as mentioning the highway.

It's just my way of pointing out the futility of mentioning divorce as a tactic. But my wife pointed out I was way to vague in my first post, so it was just pure sarcasm with no guidance.

Please excuse me for that.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> I'd like to point out it doesn't matter. What other people are happy with isn't relevant to you. What matters is what you're happy with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Another reason not to have kids like my wife she hates to have sex when the kids are awake and mine are 9 and 13 years old so we NEVER have sex as by the time there asleep 9 times out of 10 she's says she's to tired.

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

wilson said:


> I meant that's more like the average. That's about 4-8 times per month. It sounds like you're probably in the same range. It doesn't mean that people are like, "It's time for the Saturday night chore."


Whew! I thought we were doing it wrong. 


> But even so, there's no right answer. It's up to the couple to decide what works for them. If once a year works, then once a year is fine. But what often happens in these cases is that the frequency is not working for the couple. If one person is very unsatisfied with the frequency, then there is a problem.
> 
> In many LD relationships, the LD partner has very little desire for sex. There is no sex rage that happens later. It's just no sex day after day. In those kinds of relationships, it may actually work best to have a specific days for sex. That allows the LD partner time to get into the right frame of mind and not worry about it on the other days.


I dig.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> People really have sex 1 or 2 times a week consistently? We can go a few weeks without. Then we rage on 4 or 5 times in a couple of days. Some weeks are dry and some weeks are crazy good. That sounds like a chore and devoid of any fun, desire, passion and umph. I would not love that. I guess that is ok, since neither would DH. It just seems weird to consider that some kind of "norm".


Yes, people really do have sex 1-2 times a week consistently. People are also content with less. Most of my friends who are married or in LTR's that still average around 2-3 a week, but there are a few who can count on their fingers how many times they've had sex in months and they're ok with that. 

When DH and I first started dating we averaged 5-7 times a week, sometimes more. Over the years it's gone down to 3-5 a week, depending. Sometimes we'll end up not having sex for a few days or so and then have sex multiple times a day over a couple days. It's fairly fluid which is why I say "average". It's not like punching a clock or ticking off a chore on a list. We don't have some kind of every other day routine or anything like that. It just happens.



Tickle4589 said:


> I really do appreciate everything everyone has said. I just talked to her and she is angry and accusing me of cheating and she’s saying that’s why I want a divorce. This is what I was afraid of. I don’t understand it. I was very calm and made it clear that I want us to work at it.


That's a form of manipulation. She accuses you of something, you back down, she gets to carry on as always. 

Explain, without any possible ambiguity, that you are not cheating and that you are serious about divorce if there isn't consistent change.

If she accuses you of cheating again take that as a sign she doesn't want to work on the actual problem and offer to file for divorce immediately. After all, she wouldn't want to be married to a cheater, would she? 

Your situation reminds me of a saying. "The food is terrible and the portions are so small!" You've said the sex has never been good. You're fighting to have bad sex more often. It makes no sense to me, but if you want to continue on I suggest you shine up your spine and stop being afraid of a chick who gives you infrequent bad sex. What's the worst that can happen? You end up divorced, start having good sex with someone or multiple someones on a regular basis, and go on with your life?

I know you mentioned upthread that you work for her father and are concerned what her family and friends will think of you. Get another job ASAP and stop caring what other people think. This is your one life and it's finite. Before you know it, you'll be middle aged asking where the time went.


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## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

Tickle4589 said:


> I want to explain once again how bad this hurts me and tell her I’m willing to work on it and get help if she is. I’m willing to give her another chance but if it continues to become the same routine, then I have to consider divorce for my well being. I know she loves me. She claims she just has a low sex drive which I completely understand but is it fair for me to suffer in this marriage while you remain happy? Ya know??



You mentioned she has put on weight. Perhaps she doesn't feel sexy and has a low self esteem about her self. My wife has times where she does not feel good about her self, and therefore is less desirous of sex. It doesn't matter how much I flatter her, if she doesn't feel sexy she doesn't get into the mood. We spend lots of time working out together and that helps. But if we go thru a soft period where our diet is not on point and we're not working out as much, I notice it. Maybe you can take an "end run around" approach and suggest something crazy like training for a marathon together. If this is new for both of you, it may be fun, crazy and in the process can lead to her (and you both) accomplishing something together. in the process she may feel better about herself and her body and you might see the libido spark. You may be surprised by what a feeling of accomplishment does for someone's self esteem. 

The worst that can happen is that you both get In a little bit better shape and it doesn't work.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Shamrockfaced said:


> Tickle4589 said:
> 
> 
> > I want to explain once again how bad this hurts me and tell her I’m willing to work on it and get help if she is. I’m willing to give her another chance but if it continues to become the same routine, then I have to consider divorce for my well being. I know she loves me. She claims she just has a low sex drive which I completely understand but is it fair for me to suffer in this marriage while you remain happy? Ya know??
> ...


OP should not have to get his wife to train for a marathon with him ( chances of that are probably...none) in order for her to have sex with him. 

Approaching the problem differently is worth a try for sure, but jumping through these kinds of hoops to have a sex life with spouse seems wrong.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN, UNTIL IT IS ALL WORKED OUT!!! (which is probably never)

Once children enter the picture, you will be tied down even furthur, and the sex will probably be less, as kids are a built in excuse/excellent tool to keep you in line.

OMG Please dont have kids!


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

OK, first thing... stop talking to her about this. Its clearly gotten you no where and I cant see how you are equipped to have this conversation. Everytime you talk about this you are driving a bigger wedge between you. And dont drop the 'divorce' bomb unless you are ready (talked to lawyers and actually have paperwork) otherwise it just looks like another weak ass attempt

Use all that pent up sexual energy and focus it on something productive. Dont watch porn/masterbate... use it to better yourself.

"When i say no, i feel guilty" - go buy this book and read it... like now... Title may sound weird but its about having conversations with people and not being manipulated. It would have greatly helped iny our conversation to your wife. When she said you are cheating, you would have had a response that put her on the hot seat and not have you reeling back without anything to say.

EVEN if you had a successful conversation with her, she wouldnt desire you have sex with you. Anything she says she needs to want sex will be some false flag that she THINKS she wants but its all bull****. My wife tried the "help around the house" so I owned that **** for like 2-3 weeks... cooked dinners, cleaned the dishs, did the floors, the LAUNDRY... i ****ing did it all... and guess what??? She was no more attracted to me, and provided no more sex, then she did before. 

You need to go back to my original post on this thread (and my PM) and listen to me... You can only change yourself... stop trying to change her


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

It's common. There's a reason this, and the follow-up, are the most read posts on my site:

Dissecting Dead Bedrooms | Dad Starting Over

I also wrote a book about it. When it comes to the whole "dudes in relationships" thing, the number one biggest complaint is "She sure doesn't seem to like me sexually anymore... or never really did." You ain't alone, cowboy.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

Have you ever masturbated? I have found it to be preferable to sex in every way, and haven't needed my wife for that purpose in almost six months.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> Have you ever masturbated? I have found it to be preferable to sex in every way, and haven't needed my wife for that purpose in almost six months.


Um wow.


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