# men that went back to their wives



## seekingaadvice

Any husbands that wanted a divorce and changed their minds? Just wondering if and how this can happen.


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## stupidGuy

I did go back to my wife after I left home (divorce was not yet under consideration really). Unfortunately now I am facing the inverted situaton with my wife wanting to leave...

see my post

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...mething-too-much-you-might-get-your-wish.html

for some more details.


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## hqusafa

I am going to move back in and try to reconcile with my wife. I had a LOOONG post here about our issues. But after I left she has shown a great dedication to changing and becoming the girl I married again (she changed drastically after we married and lost the girl I fell in love with). 

For me, talking with friends, this board, and seeing the genuine effort she has on getting me back and more importantly getting HERSELF back were the biggest factors. She's a great girl and really we never fought or argued much. It was a few important things to me that she lost. Since she left we have both been reading some self help books, relationship books, and both doing individual counseling and start marriage counseling this week. 

Biggest thing for me is while she swears she is making a change for good and I see her changes, the biggest hurdle for me will be convincing myself that it IS a permanent change. I saw her quit and give up time and time again for 18 months on our particular issues, and I think it'll take time for me to learn to regain 100% faith. But she's a great girl, aside from those issues that needed fixing we are a great match, and we're both going to work on it. 

HQ

PS - I moved out and it will have been just under 3 months of separation when I move back in to give it another shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy

Hqusafa, your story is similar to mine, except I am the wife. There are other factors at play here in that my H is having a MLC/breakdown. However I was the wife who changed, lost my way, became too reliant on H. Since our separation, I've had to rely on myself, become more sociable, take up new and old hobbies. I should have made te changes before, but am proud that I have finally become a more whole person. Although it is without doubt the hardest time in my life, it has also reinvigorated me and I do hope my H will come to see I've changed. Wonderful to hear you're back home and good luck with reconnecting with your wife.


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## hqusafa

Chopsy said:


> Hqusafa, your story is similar to mine, except I am the wife. There are other factors at play here in that my H is having a MLC/breakdown. However I was the wife who changed, lost my way, became too reliant on H. Since our separation, I've had to rely on myself, become more sociable, take up new and old hobbies. I should have made te changes before, but am proud that I have finally become a more whole person. Although it is without doubt the hardest time in my life, it has also reinvigorated me and I do hope my H will come to see I've changed. Wonderful to hear you're back home and good luck with reconnecting with your wife.


I find this small separation will be a blessing in disguise. It allowed us time to grow as individuals that we may not have done otherwise. I'm starting to see the value of separate vacations. If we both get two week vacations, I think maybe a guy vacation for myself (for me would be a solo motorcycle trip somewhere) and for her (maybe for her would be to a historic town for pictures and touring like Washington dc) could afford us time to self reflect. Then we can take a week together to create memories together and share about our separate vacations. 

Still an idea, but after some self discovery and inner reflections I definitely see the value of being apart if you USE that time to work on yourself and to stay in touch with YOUR needs and goals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

I kept divorce on the table for a year, with in that time my wife has given me the submission I wanted and desided to work on having a new marriage after her infidelity.

Today we are completely different spouse then we were 2-3 years ago. Even taking in the fact that we both matured we have completely different life styles then we had in the past.

These life styles and changes are not so much for each other but for our selves. It just so happens that we like the changes the other has made and just deside to hang out a little while longer.

By letting the wayward go, its up to you to make the changes you want for your self, if your wayward want to get on board then fine if not then move on.

We still have one expectation for each other, mine is I will no longer push my wife around and my fWW will no longer sleep around, but for the most part all other expectations are gone along with the resentment we had for each other.

Its like we know each others capacities and how bad things can go, so we avoid going down those roads. Having modified our behaviors and learning the tools to have healtier behaviors helps us as individuals and then gets passed on to the relationship we have together.

In short I had and anger problem and my wife was a sex addict. Today we meet each others needs by having angry sex....LOL

In all seroiusness it has been one strange trip in this 22 almost 23 year marriage that produced 2 great kids that are now productive young adults. We started young....
I guess when you grow up seeing how phucked up your parents are you know better then to go down that road


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## Chopsy

Hqusafa, I do like te idea of separate vacations as I always like museums and historical stuff but he's not so keen.however me and my H rarely have vacations due to him working all the time, one of the things that will have to change, or maybe whilst on holiday, go separate ways fora day or two. Tht way you'd get to do what you want and have experiences to share.


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## Chopsy

the guy said:


> Today we are completely different spouse then we were 2-3 years ago. Even taking in the fact that we both matured we have completely different life styles then we had in the /QUOTE]
> 
> Very inspiring. In recent years I've become more withdrawn, less confident, and generally allowed myself to stay in the comfort zone and stagnate. I am already changing which excites me and makes me eager to try new things and meet more people. Previously I was always so anxious around people I didn't know, and I still am a little bit, but I've already improved in that respect. I guess I've always looked after my H and didn't bother about myself too much, to my regret.


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## artlady

I'm the wife, but my husband was the one who filed for divorce (ML crisis two years ago; we were separated for ten weeks) and left.

I'd say the first couple of weeks after he left he was "happy"...and then he was miserable. Let's just say the grass wasn't greener on the other side. After about eight weeks, he really began admitting that he couldn't live without me. What brought him home was that we'd been together for 21 years at that point (19 married), and we deserved a second chance. Plus, he heard changes in me, and knew he could change, too. And we both really did.

Two years later, and our marriage is better than it ever was before. It's not 100% because of his affair (first girl he slept with he allowed to waltz back into his life)-- I'm still recovering from that-- but we both know that marriage is work, good work, and we don't take each other for granted.

So, yes, it can happen.


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## separated2000

hqusafa said:


> I find this small separation will be a blessing in disguise. It allowed us time to grow as individuals that we may not have done otherwise. I'm starting to see the value of separate vacations. If we both get two week vacations, I think maybe a guy vacation for myself (for me would be a solo motorcycle trip somewhere) and for her (maybe for her would be to a historic town for pictures and touring like Washington dc) could afford us time to self reflect. Then we can take a week together to create memories together and share about our separate vacations.
> 
> Still an idea, but after some self discovery and inner reflections I definitely see the value of being apart if you USE that time to work on yourself and to stay in touch with YOUR needs and goals.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Few questions for you:

1. Did you consider divorce?

2. Were you still needing to see her for any reason and that's how you saw the changes?

3. How long till you decided that the changes you saw we're good for you to consider going back with her?

4. Where can I find your story?

Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tideman72

I wanted a divorce, but i realized what a mistake it would gave been. I love my wife very much and we have been through some rough times together. Guys if you love your wife, don't leave her love her forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## opensesame

My wife and I separated last year, for I think just over 4 months. I went through periods of wanting a divorce. I'm sure she did too (there was infidelity on both our parts). 

The thing that made me go back to my wife was dating other women during that period. It was that simple: I met some beautiful, funny, nice, outgoing, talkative girls who I got on brilliantly with. But whenever I was with them all I could think was, "You're not a patch on my wife."

So that's what brought me back to her.


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## doc_martin

We seperated from 2/11-8/11. We actually were getting along quite well during that time. She begged me to return home and after seeming to be getting better, I did decide to return home. I wasn't home a week when I discovered that she had maintained some low level of contact with OM and we were really in false R that whole time. I was hurt and upset once again, but since I had just come back in the house, I didn't want to turn right around and crush my kids by immediately leaving. 

Well, for the past few months, she has been getting distant and more secretive and when she moved out over xmas, I found out again she was still with OM. I don't think she was ever out of the fog. I think she missed the marriage but couldn't stop the A. This time, I don't think that there can be a repair for this. If at some time in the future she can come around, maybe, we could start over, but there would be so much for me to overcome. 

As of right now, my kids and I are my only project worth working on. I won't trash talk her and am trying to stay very even keeled with her manic episodes. I have a feeling she is just reeling at being out and being without her AP (although I really doubt OMW has the constitution to stop them).

If they end up together, I wish them well. If she stays gone, I still wish her well. I don't need to do anything further to impose punishment on her. Not being with me is punishment enough! 

If she can possibly change, who knows what the future holds? Ask me in an hour, and I may have a completely different take on this, though...


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## mrschef16

hqusafa said:


> I am going to move back in and try to reconcile with my wife. I had a LOOONG post here about our issues. But after I left she has shown a great dedication to changing and becoming the girl I married again (she changed drastically after we married and lost the girl I fell in love with).
> 
> For me, talking with friends, this board, and seeing the genuine effort she has on getting me back and more importantly getting HERSELF back were the biggest factors. She's a great girl and really we never fought or argued much. It was a few important things to me that she lost. Since she left we have both been reading some self help books, relationship books, and both doing individual counseling and start marriage counseling this week.
> 
> Biggest thing for me is while she swears she is making a change for good and I see her changes, the biggest hurdle for me will be convincing myself that it IS a permanent change. I saw her quit and give up time and time again for 18 months on our particular issues, and I think it'll take time for me to learn to regain 100% faith. But she's a great girl, aside from those issues that needed fixing we are a great match, and we're both going to work on it.
> 
> HQ
> 
> PS - I moved out and it will have been just under 3 months of separation when I move back in to give it another shot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like my situation, I am the wife that was left. I'm moving forward and growing so much as a person, just praying he sees that I am finally the person he's been waiting for, the person he lost when life's struggles took me over... I just hope it's not too late for us but I'm also proud and happy for myself that I am now this person. It's only been 4 weeks so I doubt that's enough time for him to understand these changes forever. 

Best of luck to you!


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## Broken2015

My husband ended our relationship two months ago. He said he was tired of fighting and drama. He wants a divorce but wants to be friends. I love and miss my husband but he won't answer my calls just shut me out...said he needs to move on. Is there hope he'll come back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH

My history is noted in my signature. After some marriage trouble starting in year 4 (meaning me uncaring and her involved in an workplace EA which resulted in us being roommates for sometime), I was gone for about 3 years overseas. When I came back to get her, she was reluctant to come with me and eventually left after a brief period. I filed about 2 months later after delivering an ultimatum. What I didn't know was that she was involved in multiple relationships and had ended them prior to me filing. Had I known, I would have filed much sooner to invoke a wake-up call to her and end the cake-eating.

We lived apart for 2 years while the divorce case wound it's way thru a lengthy legal battle. She went thru a lengthy religious/spiritual conversion and we began R talks that lasted for about 5 months before we canceled the divorce proceeding and got back together. One more hearing and the D would have been finalized. She completely changed her behavior/attitude and got a handle on her mental health issues (ADHD/OCD/BPD which had not been diagnosed and treated properly). That caused me to start caring and to adjust my behavior/attitude. We had to deal with a life altering event that happened a few years ago and that really brought us together. She stuck by me when other spouses would have bailed.

No big hiccups in the marriage for the last 9 yrs since R, except for the big reveal to me back in June of the details related to all of her relationships (4) while we were virtually divorced. I also filled in the blanks about my 2 relationships. We have both learned how bad we can be and have agreed to effectively communicate before any problems ever become insurmountable. We both got thru DDay back in June and haven't looked back since. That has led to some important talks where we can open up about how our past history has affected us and brought us to were we are today.


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## yourbabygirl

3 years and 2 kids after reconciliation, 0 regrets.

I created a thread here when my husband left and never wanted to get back together. It was almost a hopeless case. Every one thought I was delusional and a complete whacko for fighting for someone who clearly does not want a marriage with me.
I was terribly traumatised by the whole thing especially during the early months when he came back, I cannot trust that he woukd stay.. , but as I said 0 regrets.


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## survive_to_die

I had an EA, went off the deep end and oscillated between wanting to stay married and thinking I wanted a divorce. My wife finally had enough of the emotional trauma I was putting her through and we separate 1 year ago (this month I think). We're still in contact and we still spend time together (hiking, a few dates, holidays, etc...). We've been legally married for 10 years.

Right now I don't know what she wants other than space and time to decide for herself. I've been sober for a little over 3 months, kicked my porn habit (addiction), have dealt with my issues concerning other women. Now I am left with nothing but the hope that I can reconnect with my wife over time. I'm trying to be patient and resist the urge to push her one way or the other. I genuinely believe it's her right to choose at this time and that I am a very fortunate man that she will even consider being around me, much less involved with my physically or as a date. 

It's hard to redefine our relationship as I believe the emotional marriage is dead according to her. I'm trying to be the best man I can be through IC, AA, fitness, a new "look" and fashion. But I will maintain hope that we can reconnect and that the love and connection we've had since highschool is not dead. While she won't come out and say much regarding how she views me or "us" (except that she's unsure she can ever trust me), I try to support her wants and needs as much as I can. There are times where I can see... things in the way she acts or interacts with me that lets me know there's something there inside of her. It's just really guarded by her right now, which is understandable.

All of your success stories renew my hope in what will most likely be a long road for my wife and I reconnecting. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I could be, but that realization came at the expense of me being a lot more selfish and destructive than I thought I could ever be.

All I have are hope, patience, time and an unquenchable desire to be the man my wife wants to be with.


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