# Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.



## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

I am 34. Been married 9 years. Have a 5 year old boy. I am the sole bread winner. 

A couple of months ago, she told me she is done with the marriage. I was shell shocked. She told me that there is nothing left in her heart for me. 
Our last couple of years were somewhat conflict free, but now that I look back at it, it was because she had decided she was done. And would just go along, or not want to stir anything. 


Wife was the love of my life. We were incompatible in many ways. Largely with money. 

So what happened to us?
I believe I was too stressed going about providing for my family. My wife was unwilling to accept and help with the stress, because she saw my stress as a sign of "her being a burden". 
Essentially, I could not handle the challenges, and it bled through to her. She felt un appreciated, and so did I. 
She wanted more respect, and I needed her to do more to help me. This was the less palatable part of our dynamic for years. 

Communication was always a challenge. My wife expected me to read the silent/ unsaid stuff. Body language , tacit expectations. I needed explicit conversations. All our "talks through issues" were stressful and tiresome for her. But I kept thinking we were working towards compromise and common -grounds. 

I tried to provide well for her, but found myself, losing interest in everything in life. Withdrawing from friends... basically I became only one thing, a provider, and a father. I became boring and serious.

Now, I am shell shocked that she was working on leaving for years. And that there is nothing I can do to save my marriage. 

I am trying to rebuild confidence, and self-esteem. 

To further complicate things, My wife will stay married to me for a while ( year or two), because she needs a legal way to stay in the US. So I am supporting her still. And will do so for some time to come...

I need help with being able to move on. Learn to hope and be happy. I still love her, and thats going to make it really difficult...

Hoping some of you can help me.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Why doesn't she get a job?


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

It was her intention that she would be a SAHM. And this was very important to her. And this caused some conflict, for when things got tough for me, I wished that she would either spend less, or want to work to help.

It was my intention to support her wish to be a SAHM, it was more than I could mange. 

Neither of those things happened, or happened with great friction, essentially that friction had destroyed our bond years ago. I just realized it now. 

She is now started working 2 weeks ago, but with the intention of moving out and being independent, since she felt dis-respected in the marriage. 



Keke24 said:


> Why doesn't she get a job?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

It will be difficult to move on if you choose to continue supporting her. It's easiest if there is minimal contact with her moving forward. You'll need your solitude to learn to enjoy your own company and figure out what little things/hobbies make you happy. 

Eventually you can start dating but I can't imagine the complexities that may introduce since you are still legally married and things change (ex. she becomes a nutcase and uses it against you) before the future divorce. Never dealt with divorce but this just sounds messy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

So she used you for a paycheck and now is using you for citizenship. 

Let's face it. In tough financial times a family pulls together. But she wanted stuff more than she cared about you?

If she wants out she can figure out another route to citizenship. She wants a divorce? Give it to her.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

I had this same issue, I didn't want her to because I worked a Commission Job which was already stressful enough.



need_help_to_recover said:


> It was her intention that she would be a SAHM. And this was very important to her. And this caused some conflict, for when things got tough for me, I wished that she would either spend less, or want to work to help.


I did 2 years supporting her and we managed fine financially but she felt like I didn't appreciate her, even though I was mostly fine providing I could work in from work and not instantly be nagged, even though she works full time she pays Zero bills still since 'we are not allowed to change anything during divorce'

[/QUOTE]It was my intention to support her wish to be a SAHM, it was more than I could mange. [/QUOTE]

I provided fine but at the cost of losing my identity, not having a social life and feeling like a uptight boring person, finally starting to get out of this though and was not all to do with Job more my own ability to allow myself time to relax and be me, I always felt guilt that i did not spend enough time with children or give my W enough free time which was a bad move overall I should have made more time for US both to have free time together.



need_help_to_recover said:


> I tried to provide well for her, but found myself, losing interest in everything in life. Withdrawing from friends... basically I became only one thing, a provider, and a father. I became boring and serious.


This takes a little while but really you just have to do it, easier said than done and I am not fully there yet myself but you just have to get out and do stuff, anything at all that interests you or gets you out the house and talking to people.

[/QUOTE]I am trying to rebuild confidence, and self-esteem.[/QUOTE] 

Not really sure what to tell you on this, I am also from another country but became a citizen so do not have this issue, if she is likely to get deported and you have a child together I would strongly advice doing nothing until you have spoke with a Lawyer

[/QUOTE]To further complicate things, My wife will stay married to me for a while ( year or two), because she needs a legal way to stay in the US. So I am supporting her still. And will do so for some time to come...[/QUOTE]

This here is something I may have to do myself but not figured out best way, one coping mechanism I have used is think of a future without them and focus only on good things. I still love my W and we are in currently in a Divorce so not sure what the future holds on that part 

[/QUOTE]I need help with being able to move on. Learn to hope and be happy. I still love her, and thats going to make it really difficult...[/QUOTE]


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

So she's using you for a paycheck and to stay in the country, and you're afraid that if you leave now she'll have to leave the country taking your child with her. That's a tough one. The question is, do you want a divorce or do you want to try and work things out? You said how you gave everything you had and in turn it turned you into basically an empty shell. The same thing happened to me. I spent so much time and effort worrying about my wife, family and our life together that I forgot about myself. I lost a lot of confidence from trying everything I could to "fix" things and getting depressed when I didn't see the results I wanted from the effort. Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", a lot of it hit me pretty hard and hearing your story I think it will to you as well. Stop worrying about her and your marriage, focus on yourself and making yourself happy. That's what I have been doing and it has started to cause a positive change in our relationship.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", a lot of it hit me pretty hard and hearing your story I .


I keep glancing through this and noticed a lot of it sounded like me also, crazy how accurate things are sometimes.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> I keep glancing through this and noticed a lot of it sounded like me also, crazy how accurate things are sometimes.


That's what I said too. And the funny thing was that as I read it and thought back, my wife had been telling me all this the whole time, and I thought she was just trying to argue. We're men, we're idiots, we can't help it, lol


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I'm not really following you on the "life got serious" as a source for your unhappiness. I mean, I went from having tons of friends and free time to devoting myself fully to my husband and children with very little time and energy leftover for over a decade. It's what we do as parents and spouses. Not to say you shouldn't have some interests, but there is research showing that to maintain a happy, healthy marriage (which apparently only 20% of us have), you need to spend at least 15 hours a week of quality time with your spouse. And, another 15 hours of quality time with the family. That's 30 hours/week on top of running a household, raising kids, holding a job....not a lot leftover for other things.

As for her help with finances, yes, I agree with you- if being a SAHM is important to her, she should find a way to work with you on a budget and stick to it. But I have to ask- do you stick to a budget? Have you tried sitting down with her and creating one? There are many resources for creating a budget on any income, it seems. I like Mr. Money Mustache- he talks about the ways his family manages to live on very little without feeling deprived. But you need to lead to get her on board- and coming at her with a "life is too serious, I'm only a father and provider" is not a great way to do that. 

If you needed her help in contributing to the finances, did you factor in childcare when your child was younger? As an immigrant, she may only be able to work in low-paying jobs like domestic care, and they barely pay a living wage, let alone cover childcare costs. 

I think you need to be more realistic in what you're asking of your wife and your expectations of fatherhood/marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just going to be honest. Once they decide they don't love you, it's over. They're done.
I would divorce her if I had good sense.
But I don't, I'd drag it out and she'd get citizenship at my expense, and then divorce me. 

You are likely going to do the same.

I wouldn't advise it, though


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

@MovingForward Are we the same people ? HAHA! Very similar situations.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

need_help_to_recover said:


> @MovingForward Are we the same people ? HAHA! Very similar situations.


yes it sucks I am still in the learning phase of all this but so many people hear offered so much support to help that i at least want to reach out and let you know I understand somewhat of you are going through and feeling. Honestly my head is a bag of rocks most of the time but keep reading here and responding to people and putting down your thoughts.

I don't know all the in's and out's with you and your wife but are you 100% sure it is over? I have a couple of thread going so have a read and see if any advice I was given will work for you. 

Take care and feel free to reach out and if i can offer help I will.


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

She was happy with me. to spend time with me for many years.. We loved one another. I suppose what happened is that the financial control crushed the love out of her. Her ego was crushed, and she could not continue feeling the same way.. In my mind, I was not being harsh, just practical.

I lived a simple life and didn't really spend on myself, and I am black belt at budgeting.  Unfortunately, teaching my wife how to budget and asking for accountability caused even more friction. She was just not into it. Couldn't care enough or maybe dyslexic with numbers... and always sheltered from it by parent.

I would keep insisting that we need to keep our expenses in line with what we made. But she saw that as controlling behavior.

"life is too serious, I'm only a father and provider" is not a great way to do that. "

This is all I did, And that is all on me.. .Thats a stupid way to go about it... and keep at it for many years. 

Even when she was SAHM, she wanted our boy to go to day care part time, so she could have her sanity... So with her working the additional cost would not have been that much...

Anyways, we actually are financially doing a lot better, but it just cost me my marriage. What a tragic choice of priorities on my part.




Jessica38 said:


> I'm not really following you on the "life got serious" as a source for your unhappiness. I mean, I went from having tons of friends and free time to devoting myself fully to my husband and children with very little time and energy leftover for over a decade. It's what we do as parents and spouses. Not to say you shouldn't have some interests, but there is research showing that to maintain a happy, healthy marriage (which apparently only 20% of us have), you need to spend at least 15 hours a week of quality time with your spouse. And, another 15 hours of quality time with the family. That's 30 hours/week on top of running a household, raising kids, holding a job....not a lot leftover for other things.
> 
> As for her help with finances, yes, I agree with you- if being a SAHM is important to her, she should find a way to work with you on a budget and stick to it. But I have to ask- do you stick to a budget? Have you tried sitting down with her and creating one? There are many resources for creating a budget on any income, it seems. I like Mr. Money Mustache- he talks about the ways his family manages to live on very little without feeling deprived. But you need to lead to get her on board- and coming at her with a "life is too serious, I'm only a father and provider" is not a great way to do that.
> 
> ...


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

I love her a lot. And would jump at a chance for reconciling. But its unto her, I am not willing to beg and plead. It wont help me. 
She has to find a way to feel something for me. SO its out of my hands.

I am prone to getting depressed, so I am trying to move on with the assumption its over. btw I spent the last few months trying to get her to try out restoring the bond. 

She says she can't. That she is too far gone.



MovingForward said:


> yes it sucks I am still in the learning phase of all this but so many people hear offered so much support to help that i at least want to reach out and let you know I understand somewhat of you are going through and feeling. Honestly my head is a bag of rocks most of the time but keep reading here and responding to people and putting down your thoughts.
> 
> I don't know all the in's and out's with you and your wife but are you 100% sure it is over? I have a couple of thread going so have a read and see if any advice I was given will work for you.
> 
> Take care and feel free to reach out and if i can offer help I will.


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

thats my assessment of my wife. Once she has made up her mind. its done. 

She is not waiting for citizenship, she is waiting for permanent residency.



Evinrude58 said:


> Just going to be honest. Once they decide they don't love you, it's over. They're done.
> I would divorce her if I had good sense.
> But I don't, I'd drag it out and she'd get citizenship at my expense, and then divorce me.
> 
> ...


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

need_help_to_recover said:


> I love her a lot. And would jump at a chance for reconciling. But its unto her, I am not willing to beg and plead. It wont help me.
> She has to find a way to feel something for me. SO its out of my hands.
> 
> I am prone to getting depressed, so I am trying to move on with the assumption its over. btw I spent the last few months trying to get her to try out restoring the bond.
> ...


Have you asked her about MC or have been to IC for yourself? I went to IC just because i really needed someone to talk to as bottling it up was eating me alive, we tried MC with one counselor and that lasted one session and then I found a New IC and we just finally went to a new MC last night which went somewhat OK and was actually her idea this time.

My wife told me the same and its been a roller coaster of ups and downs ever since which I am still riding, best advice is get a life and do a 180 which helps somewhat with your sanity even if you are 90% successful. Use your free time to get out make friends, go gym, have fun doing anything at all so you are not dwelling, maybe she will see the old you again and want to try again but your not doing it for that you do it so you are mentally OK and ready to move on.

here is link to 180 - https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

She is still the mother of my child. And I am very close to him. I will tolerate her being supported partially and have a chance at not forcing a battle for sole-custody , if she is deported. 

But yes, I would like to think, that at some point in the future, we are at least not living under the same roof.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So she wants to stay with you right now so that you can support her and get her citizenship, or at least stay in the country.


See a lawyer and find out how to make it so that she cannot take your child out of the country. Then tell her that you are willing to stay with her so that she can stay in the country, but only under the condition that she get a job. She has to work.

So what if she wants to be a SAHM. She also wants to not be married to you. Those are two incompatible goals. 


When she said that she wants to stay for a couple more years, what does she say about things like having sex with you? Will you two have separate bedroom? How does she see this working?


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

Amen my man... I am on that road... been very social and outgoing lately. 
Been writing a blog about that journey too.. it gives me some hope and joy. And like you said, I am doing it, because I need it for my self.
I dont have hope that she will change her mind.




MovingForward said:


> Have you asked her about MC or have been to IC for yourself? I went to IC just because i really needed someone to talk to as bottling it up was eating me alive, we tried MC with one counselor and that lasted one session and then I found a New IC and we just finally went to a new MC last night which went somewhat OK and was actually her idea this time.
> 
> My wife told me the same and its been a roller coaster of ups and downs ever since which I am still riding, best advice is get a life and do a 180 which helps somewhat with your sanity even if you are 90% successful. Use your free time to get out make friends, go gym, have fun doing anything at all so you are not dwelling, maybe she will see the old you again and want to try again but your not doing it for that you do it so you are mentally OK and ready to move on.
> 
> here is link to 180 - https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

need_help_to_recover said:


> Amen my man... I am on that road... been very social and outgoing lately.
> Been writing a blog about that journey too.. it gives me some hope and joy. And like you said, I am doing it, because I need it for my self.
> I dont have hope that she will change her mind.


Keep on TAM I will follow your progress. Sucks we are all here but hoping we make it though and end up in a better place.


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

Here is all of it.
If I divorce her now... We then go into a custody battle for our son. And If I lose, then I will rarely see him... I want to avoid that.
She has already found a job, and is planning to move out of the house. 

We are separated living under the same roof. no intimacy, otherwise functional. We help each other out. Co-Parent. 

Starting in a few weeks, I have asked her to keep her expenses separate. I will still pay for her groceries, as its common... 

The way I see it, she is eligible for alimony, so I am not too put off by supporting. I see it a way to prolong the amount of time, my son sees lesser disruption in his life. 




EleGirl said:


> So she wants to stay with you right now so that you can support her and get her citizenship, or at least stay in the country.
> 
> 
> See a lawyer and find out how to make it so that she cannot take your child out of the country. Then tell her that you are willing to stay with her so that she can stay in the country, but only under the condition that she get a job. She has to work.
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

AtMyEnd said:


> That's what I said too. And the funny thing was that as I read it and thought back, my wife had been telling me all this the whole time, and I thought she was just trying to argue. We're men, we're idiots, we can't help it, lol


If we simply replace our mothers with our wives and simply try to put smiles on their faces, we're doomed.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

need_help_to_recover said:


> Amen my man... I am on that road... been very social and outgoing lately.
> Been writing a blog about that journey too.. it gives me some hope and joy. And like you said, I am doing it, because I need it for my self.
> I dont have hope that she will change her mind.


Good.

You've spent far too much time worrying about her reaction. You cannot control it. Nor should you want to.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

need_help_to_recover said:


> thats my assessment of my wife. Once she has made up her mind. its done.
> 
> She is not waiting for citizenship, she is waiting for permanent residency.


A word of caution my friend.

Feelings come and feelings go.

Work on you.

Who gives a rip about her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You ha e the right attitude toward her. I suggest you get a lawyer and start proceedings. Any debt she runs up--- half yours. If she's deported, all yours.
You shouldn't delay taking care of this. Delaying is a problem, in my opinion. You need to fight her if you have to now, otherwise she will just take your son with her, if she gets deported, I assume no alimony at that point?
Either way, you can start rebuilding your life.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

You've been married 9 years and she wants to delay the divorce until after your 10th anniversary. Do you live in California?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

need_help_to_recover said:


> I love her a lot. And would jump at a chance for reconciling. But its unto her, I am not willing to beg and plead. It wont help me.
> She has to find a way to feel something for me. SO its out of my hands.
> 
> I am prone to getting depressed, so I am trying to move on with the assumption its over. btw I spent the last few months trying to get her to try out restoring the bond.
> ...


The best way to leave the door open is to do the opposite of what you would do intuitively

1. Do the 180 on her, show that you have taken her at her word and you are moving on with life
2. See a lawyer to see your options
3. Tell everyone your wife wants to leave you because you tried to be the provider and she thinks you are too controlling - see how that looks
4. give your kid lots of love
5. do things for yourself, go to gym, get a new outfit, go out, look like you are enjoying life without her
6. see a doctor or therapist incase you head towards depression. You are young you can do this


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

my son is a short term winner here... getting a lot of quality attention from me. In the long run, I don't know how it will turn out. 
I don't think my wife has malicious intent. But I am naive about stuff like this. She has agreed to sign away rights to alimony past the first two years. I don't think she is angling for the 10th year. But yes, I could be wrong, I am in the process of putting together an agreement, so we can go through all of this, but I can have some peace of mind.

I have agreed to give her a big chunk of my assets... about 40%. But her giving up her rights for the alimony will balance it out. I do want to be reasonable with her...

Most people who hear about the situation don't find it easy to support her. 

I am doing many things, but not yet "really digging" it... but at least I am committed to doing things that I know will make me happy one day. 

And I am talking to a lot of people. friends, and a therapist, and you guys... and it all has helped SO MUCH!! 





aine said:


> The best way to leave the door open is to do the opposite of what you would do intuitively
> 
> 1. Do the 180 on her, show that you have taken her at her word and you are moving on with life
> 2. See a lawyer to see your options
> ...


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

I know there will be some dark times ahead, and I will post about it. I think it will be a while before I am happy on my own... and I hope one day I will be here asking for dating advice.. as much as I love my wife, I think its a fools errand. And I want to move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Been there ......
Yes, she is not your wife. She's someone else. You'll learn not to care anymore. More of a result of being abused by her for long enough. Please realize she is actively cheating with another man. No doubt about it. Let him have her, she's trash.

A better relationship with a much better woman is all the revenge you need. She's her own worst enemy. Grab a bag of popcorn and sit back and watch her unravel he own life.

You are not NEARLY in as bad shape as you think.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Been there except that I talked to my doctor and got treated for depression and that turned my life around. My wife says I am much easier to live with when my depression is being treated. I feel it myself and as a result we are married for 44 years. My wife is like your wife and expected me to know what was bothering her or what she wanted. I kept telling her that she gets all upset because she never tells anyone what she wants like I do. Don't dare buy me a gift without checking with me first.  I just ask questions and pick up on subtle clues and that has worked well for us so far. I also assume that I am wrong and she is right.  

I have a very stressful job where a mistake can cost a lot of money or impact our security clearance for government contracts. The antidepressants I take even me out and make me feel good about life every day. I perform much better under stress now, even better than everyone else in the company.  I am now cool and level headed under stress and thrive on it rather than getting all emotional and thinking of the worst. I used to think negative thoughts all the time, even at night which disturbed my sleep. Now when I think of something negative it is soon out of my head. I used to think negatively compulsively for hours at a time. Not anymore.

Talk to a doctor because no matter what, you will need to take care of what you are experiencing. I thought that depression was like you see in the movies. Did not know that it can manifest as anger, stress, fatigue and all sorts of ways. My life has improved due to medication but you can also try talk therapy. Some say that is better but I do not take instruction well and the drugs make me feel very good every day.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

10 years locks in social security spousal benefits. I've advised many divorcing wives to hang on until the anniversary ignoring alimony.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Has she had her green card interview yet? If not, and you separate, she is risking lots. 

Also, if she plans to apply for US citizenship down the road, divorce immediate after green card is a red flag. 

Third, the longer you stay married the more you may end up paying, not to mention possibly being dragged into accessory to violation of immigration law...

May I ask what general part of the world we're talking about?


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

john117 said:


> Has she had her green card interview yet? If not, and you separate, she is risking lots.
> 
> Also, if she plans to apply for US citizenship down the road, divorce immediate after green card is a red flag.
> 
> ...


South asia.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

How are things @need_help_to_recover


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

need_help_to_recover said:


> To further complicate things, *My wife will stay married to me for a while (year or two), because she needs a legal way to stay in the US. So I am supporting her still. And will do so for some time to come...*


Why do you have to support her still? If she wants to leave, doesn't that mean that she will need to be self-sufficient? I can see supporting your son, but she can get a job.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Whatever you do,
1) Talk to a lawyer to protect your custody of your son.
2) If your son has a passport, get it and put it in a post office box that your wife doesn't have access to. If he doesn't have one, make sure he doesn't get one unless you are the possessor of it.

I would bet that your wife is having an affair.


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

I am doing a bit better. 
Been active with friends and some new endeavors. Physically getting fitter. Doing things that make me happy from time to time. 
I am almost of the opinion now, that I too was very unhappy because I was never loved by her for better part of the last few years..Maybe there is a silver lining here. 

I am trying to build new relationships... went out to have dinner with a couple who are very nice to me. 

I still sometime stop short in the middle of the day and have that sinking feeling that no one loves me. But its getting better. I have hopes of being happy by myself. 

thanks so much for asking. 


MovingForward said:


> How are things @need_help_to_recover


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

I removed his passport from home. It will expire in a month anyway, and I dont think she can apply for one without my consent. 
affair or not, she is the mother of my child. I am talking to lawyers, but I do want to find a solution where she stays in the same country as me and my son... 

I would like my son to have both parents around. I am willing to sacrifice 10s of thousands of dollars for this. 




Rick Blaine said:


> Whatever you do,
> 1) Talk to a lawyer to protect your custody of your son.
> 2) If your son has a passport, get it and put it in a post office box that your wife doesn't have access to. If he doesn't have one, make sure he doesn't get one unless you are the possessor of it.
> 
> I would bet that your wife is having an affair.


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

She got a job, albeit low paying... we are trying to settle for a small amount for alimony and some assets. 
I think she may be honorable in how this goes. 



Ursula said:


> Why do you have to support her still? If she wants to leave, doesn't that mean that she will need to be self-sufficient? I can see supporting your son, but she can get a job.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

need_help_to_recover said:


> I am doing a bit better.
> Been active with friends and some new endeavors. Physically getting fitter. Doing things that make me happy from time to time.
> I am almost of the opinion now, that I too was very unhappy because I was never loved by her for better part of the last few years..Maybe there is a silver lining here.
> 
> ...


We need to all look out for each other, sometimes writing down my complaints here are the only thing that get me through the day. I get those same feelings and have had a terrible day today but think I almost got it all out (Hopefully) been complaining a lot on here today 

I just joined a Crossfit gym in my area and start next week so hoping that can kill 2 birds with one stone make friends and wear myself out enough to not feel so terrible while also hopefully looking better in the future.


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

We certainly do. it can be lonely world out there . especially for men. I am resolved to coming through. I will be picking up new skills and challenges. And if I conquer them, perhaps it will help me fill the void. 

I am thankful for having my health, my son, my job, my friends, and a desire to be happy. 

lets do this !!  




MovingForward said:


> We need to all look out for each other, sometimes writing down my complaints here are the only thing that get me through the day. I get those same feelings and have had a terrible day today but think I almost got it all out (Hopefully) been complaining a lot on here today
> 
> I just joined a Crossfit gym in my area and start next week so hoping that can kill 2 birds with one stone make friends and wear myself out enough to not feel so terrible while also hopefully looking better in the future.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

need_help_to_recover said:


> We certainly do. it can be lonely world out there . especially for men


yes it seems woman are much more supportive of there friends and come together more than men do. probably why we all fall apart more our support is usually our wife and then we are left with nothing.



need_help_to_recover said:


> I am thankful for having my health, my son, my job, my friends, and a desire to be happy


Good on you, i wish I had been as positive at the beginning as you are.

Wish you all the best.


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## need_help_to_recover (Mar 17, 2017)

perhaps I am still in denial... you are right... I dont want to be constantly talking about how I feel... perhaps, I will tire my friends, so I am careful.



MovingForward said:


> yes it seems woman are much more supportive of there friends and come together more than men do. probably why we all fall apart more our support is usually our wife and then we are left with nothing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

"To further complicate things, My wife will stay married to me for a while ( year or two), because she needs a legal way to stay in the US. So I am supporting her still. And will do so for some time to come..."

NO NO NO NO NO NO....

In most states, 10 years qualifies as a "long term marriage," and you will be stuck with spousal support until: "death, remarriage or further action of the court." She's been using you. Divorce yesterday.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

need_help_to_recover said:


> perhaps I am still in denial... you are right...


You may be but try and fake it till you make it, I had times i thought I was over it and doing well but have relapsed twice since to rock bottom, its going to be rough for a while or so I am told, so far I am only 4 months in but hope to find peace with the situation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

May I suggest that you get the absolute best possible legal outcome in YOUR favor?
Don't try to keep anyone but YOU and your son in your country.

A woman like your wife is going to make you miserable. Picture a new, trashy, drug addicted, sexual pervert, every other month around your son when he is with his mother. Don't think this can't happen. Plan for the worst and hope you're wrong.
You can give her or help her in any way you want to, but keep the legal responsibility as low as possible. Do NOT try to go about this divorce bowing to her every wish to keep it "amicable".

A divorce is not about friends, it's strictly a legal thing. A business thing. Treat it like one.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

need_help_to_recover said:


> I am 34. Been married 9 years. Have a 5 year old boy. I am the sole bread winner.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




So she is using you to support her and to stay in the country. Hell No! Tell her she wants a D, fine. Go. File papers and send her ass back to her country. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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