# Do some people deserve to be cheated on?



## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

Not talking about two normal, healthy, innocent people in a good relationship. Usually people cheat for a reason and in some cases, maybe its more understandable why they did.
For example, a friend of mine was in an abusive relationship where the guy was calling her ugly, *****, etc., controlling and even slapped her around a few times. She broke it off but before doing so had cheated on him. I sort of think he deserved it. Does anyone else agree?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's a typical pattern:

Guy is abusive, girl has sex with another man.

Guy's worse after that, she gets more reckless with others.

It can even start with the girl having sex, guy gets abusive.

A merry-go-round.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No, I would of rather had my wife move out.

I dismissed my marraige long ago, even told her to get a boytoy, but still I wish she would have told me even though I refused to let her tell me. Wierd 

Well, were still together, and better then ever, now that my head is out of my *ss. And she no longer needs a boytoy. Now I'm her ONLY boytoy;-)

I wish I could understand it better.


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

the guy said:


> No, I would of rather had my wife move out.
> 
> I dismissed my marraige long ago, even told her to get a boytoy, but still I wish she would have told me even though I refused to let her tell me. Wierd
> 
> ...


So you wish she hadnt done it BUT at the same time if she hadnt, you may not have realized you were wrong for certain things. 
It is very complicated but thats good that it seems like you have a pretty good understanding of it!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

amigo1 said:


> Not talking about two normal, healthy, innocent people in a good relationship. Usually people cheat for a reason and in some cases, maybe its more understandable why they did.
> For example, a friend of mine was in an abusive relationship where the guy was calling her ugly, *****, etc., controlling and even slapped her around a few times. She broke it off but before doing so had cheated on him. I sort of think he deserved it. Does anyone else agree?


It's not that people deserve to get cheated on. It's more like that there are contributing factors. Cheating is still a selfish way to soothe one's hurt over what is missing in the marriage.
I often hear of spouses that refuse to make sex a priority. If one spouse is constantly rejecting and cold, this can justify cheating in the other partner's mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

No one deserves to be cheated on. Yes, there are relationships that are horrible and if you feel like this other person is better than the one you have, then have the balls to leave first.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, I get that I would have never changed if she stayed faithful, but she did and I changed. I believe I have a real good understsnding of it all NOW. It took me some time and when I figured it out my W was on board. 

The part I will never be able to answer is why after 19 years of marriage I confronted my W on Feb '10 and wanted a change? So, I chucked it up to Gods doing. It's still wierd, why not Feb '95 or '99, or the year 2000.Why on my daughters 21st B-day, a year before our 20th Anniversary?


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

NO ONE EVER, FOR ANY REASON OR CIRCUMSTANCE, EVER, DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON! Either get help for your marriage or get out! The desire to cheat or the thoughts about cheating should be one's wakeup call that the marriage needs help.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Cheating is exciting when the marriage isn't exciting anymore. 
The only way to avoid cheating is make sure we're exciting spouses.
We can't be lazy, just sit and wait the faithful spouse would fall from the skies to love us forever. We can't complain at the cheating spouse when we are the lazy and boring ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know this feeling, I'm having it right now. Ballsacs haven't been emptied since the fight either... So ready and able. But I won't...

The feeling and temptation is there, and it'll probably continue to linger in my temporarily deranged head the longer the issues between the missus and I are left unresolved. It hurts really, and the lure of fresh game is always there especially when one is still young, fit and attractive... and especially when you are angry with your S.O...

It hurts now, but it sure hurts more thinking of how devastated the missus would be if I was to cheat again, but then the thought comes "what if she doesn't care", and this continues, like a mental battle, two voices really. It's interesting, but in the end... All it takes to do any bad or distasteful deed is for one to believe that it was right.

@the guy

Btw, it's toyboy, not boytoy  Sorry, but boytoy sounds wrong for some reason lol


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Cheating is exciting when the marriage isn't exciting anymore.
> The only way to avoid cheating is make sure we're exciting spouses.
> We can't be lazy, just sit and wait the faithful spouse would fall from the skies to love us forever. We can't complain at the cheating spouse when we are the lazy and boring ones.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



See you have your particular excuse lined up already. Lazy and boring husband. What others do you have?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AFEH said:


> See you have your particular excuse lined up already. Lazy and boring husband. What others do you have?


I didn't say my husband is lazy and boring. I expect myself not to be lazy and boring so my husband has no excuse to cheat.
My husband isn't lazy and boring. Only thing boring in my entire marriage is sex. It's true that he never makes efforts in spicing things up. I know EA was my own choice. I like the OM and I'm in love with him. I cut off the contact but he's still on my mind.
There's nothing I can do to withdraw my passion that has deposited in him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I didn't say my husband is lazy and boring. I expect myself not to be lazy and boring so my husband has no excuse to cheat.
> My husband isn't lazy and boring. Only thing boring in my entire marriage is sex. It's true that he never makes efforts in spicing things up. I know EA was my own choice. I like the OM and I'm in love with him. I cut off the contact but he's still on my mind.
> There's nothing I can do to withdraw my passion that has deposited in him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sex is obviously exceptionally important to you, nothing wrong with that in my mind.

But you are double talking yourself into an affair and out of your marriage. “ONLY thing boring in my entire marriage is sex”. And yet sex is exceptionally important to you. Crazy double talk … to yourself.

So you want everything else your H has and so you stay in the marriage … and have an affair.

That’s what the original thread is all about. You are saying to yourself your husband “deserves” your affair because sex with him is “boring”.

Get out of your marriage and find the relationship you want. Anything else is using and abusing your husband.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Sex is obviously exceptionally important to you, nothing wrong with that in my mind.
> 
> But you are double talking yourself into an affair and out of your marriage. ONLY thing boring in my entire marriage is sex. And yet sex is exceptionally important to you. Crazy double talk to yourself.
> 
> ...


You're really a crazy old stick in the mud! 
Of course sex is important and I don't want to continue my 6 years same foreplay same position. 
I don't want to give up my marriage before I work on it.
I already give up my EA and I never give a F to the OM. I do want to F my husband as much as possible. Why I should leave my marriage like you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> You're really a crazy old stick in the mud!
> Of course sex is important and I don't want to continue my 6 years same foreplay same position.
> I don't want to give up my marriage before I work on it.
> I already give up my EA and I never give a F to the OM. I do want to F my husband as much as possible. Why I should leave my marriage like you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Name calling will get you everywhere.

My post was designed to make you think. It hasn’t. You are infatuated with a person who is not your husband. You have idealised the OM plus you want the forbidden fruit. That’s how it all starts. Your marriage hasn’t a hope while you let that continue no matter how much you say you are working on it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What if a spouse told the other spouse to go cheat ,but they don't want to know about it, ever!

I quess that not cheating? Even with a mearriage vow and all?

When people tell others to jump in a lake, to they really jump in a lake? lol


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

the guy said:


> What if a spouse told the other spouse to go cheat ,but they don't want to know about it, ever!
> 
> I quess that not cheating? Even with a mearriage vow and all?
> 
> When people tell others to jump in a lake, to they really jump in a lake? lol


I guess in this instance a determining answer would be: owning up to the promises one made to someone vs owning up to the promises one made to themselves.

While wedding vows do not express one's promise/expectation/intention to oneself to be with the chosen person 'til death do us part, in most cases (I hope) it is a foreshadowed reason to marry. Marriage is not only about binding the other person to you, but about binding yourself to the other person.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Name calling will get you everywhere.
> 
> My post was designed to make you think. It hasn’t. You are infatuated with a person who is not your husband. You have idealised the OM plus you want the forbidden fruit. That’s how it all starts. Your marriage hasn’t a hope while you let that continue no matter how much you say you are working on it.


I have no contact with the OM. If you really want to make me think. Please tell me a way to remove the OM from my mind. 

Please tell me a way to withdraw my passion from the OM.

Please tell me how to get rid of him from my dreams.

If there's a way to erase the memories of the OM, I really want to erase. Tell me how to erase.

He's been a curse of my marriage and been an obstacle. I'm actually sick of it but there's nothing I can do to get rid of it.

Tell me how to fall back in love with my husband? I love my husband as a family. I won't give up my family because I had a crush on someone.

The crush wasn't a thing I can control. I can't control my emotion. What I can control is my behavior.

I never have sex with the OM. I never have a physical contact with him, kissing, holding hands...all these things I controlled my behavior and I haven't failed.

You want to help me, please tell me how to control my feelings?
Tell me how to be emotionless?

Old stick in the mud isn't name calling. 

It simply expressed we can't communicate. I can't communicate with anyone like a stick in the mud because the mud is the whole world for the stick. It refused to move itself to have a different view in understanding women's emotion or it just can't move.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I have no contact with the OM. If you really want to make me think. Please tell me a way to remove the OM from my mind.
> 
> Please tell me a way to withdraw my passion from the OM.
> 
> ...



I wont be a player in your drama. That's it from me.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I wont be a player in your drama. That's it from me.


In the end, you didn't help me with any advice that is inspiring.

I do believe no one deserves to be cheated on.


But I also believe in some cases, they can't complain that they're being cheated if they are:

*unwilling to make efforts & work on the marriage.

indifferent & ignorant to the sexual needs of the spouse.

mentally & physically abusive.

disloyal and not willing to repair the marriage*.

Sometimes people can't just get out of marriage because of children and many other family issues.

But that doesn't mean you should lock yourself in the jail for the rest of your life, that doesn't mean you don't have the right to find a person who is willing to share a discreet relationship, taking care of your emotional needs when your spouse is totally indifferent.

Many people stay in the marriage because of children.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> In the end, you didn't help me with any advice that is inspiring.
> 
> I do believe no one deserves to be cheated on.
> 
> ...


Sorry, No. If one's spouse doesn't fulfill one's expectations and one cannot live with it, they should leave, not cheat.

Having read some of your posts I think the key to your problem is this: you are at a point in your life where you obsess about sex. I don't mean it in the "addiction" sense. I mean that you perceive your life and all aspects of it through the prism of what you currently lack: sex.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

No one deserves to be cheated on. Even if they are giveen permission, it is still going to hurt the one you love. People say things they don't mean and they say things to test to see if you would actually do it to hurt them or not. I mean, if someone told you to jump off a cliff, would you??, it's stupid, if you cheat then you don't love them as much as you claim.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> In the end, you didn't help me with any advice that is inspiring.
> 
> I do believe no one deserves to be cheated on.
> 
> ...


I'd like to address MsLonely's last post: I understand your position. I'd like to suggest that sometimes, the communication you are expressing to your husband (or anyone with similar opinion), isn't working. Perhaps he isn't getting the message. Maybe he thinks you are over-sexed or he has too much stress or whatever. Maybe his abuse is from how he was raised.

Whatever the scenario, cheating is wrong. Perhaps the conversation should be "You are not meeting my needs in this area (be specific). I feel I need to go outside our marriage to meet those needs. If you object to that, then we need to make changes but I refuse to live without my needs being met." This would be a monumental wakeup call to any spouse. 
It's the deception that is wrong.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on, lied to, deceived in any manner whether that's your spouse, friend, relavtive. Those actions accomplish nothing but hurt many people. If you can't face your problems leave before you get involved with anyone else. This is why second marriages have even bigger failure rate than the first ones because most people do not address what was wrong in the first one.


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

the guy said:


> What if a spouse told the other spouse to go cheat ,but they don't want to know about it, ever!
> 
> I quess that not cheating? Even with a mearriage vow and all?
> 
> When people tell others to jump in a lake, to they really jump in a lake? lol


Im curious as to why you wanted your spouse to cheat on you? Did you feel you deserved it?


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