# My wife doesn't share my feelings...



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Greetings to all. I am a newbie here and I have a crushing problem with my marriage. I am going to try to stick to the facts and to not allow my emotions to embellish or take away from the truth. This might turn out to be a lengthy post.

I met my wife 8 years ago on an internet dating site. After many strange and some downright scary meetings, we met each other. After talking for hours in person for the first time, I knew that this was the woman I had thought only existed in fantasy land. 

We both felt as though we were too old to play the dating games, and were both looking for a lifetime and meaningful relationship. We decided to skip beyond the "best behavior" part of the process, and to let each other see exactly what we were. 

The first time I went to her place, she was making dinner for the two of us. While she was cooking, her phone rang. She asked me to answer it, so I did. There was a guy on the other end asking to speak to her. I took the phone to her and then went back to my "perch" on the couch. 

She told that person directly that she didn't feel that the relationship was going anywhere, and that she would appreciate it if he wouldn't contact her anymore. This sounded horrible, but I actually respected that she was honest enough to lay it out in black and white. At the same time, it scared me, but let me know that if she didn't want to continue any relationship that we might have, then she would be able to be up-front with me.

We have been together for 7 years, and have been married for 6. We have a prescious four-year-old daughter together and a new home that is not quite as old.

My wife is from the school that the man of the house is the master and should be taken care of above all else. She believes he should be brought his slippers, coffee and should be made to be comfortable. She believes that the man should be the first to be served at the dinner table, and should have his pick of everything first.

A lot of this was uncomfortable for me, and I just was not able to be the first in the chow line. I wanted to be last in line to make sure that everyone got their share.

I DID, however accept other parts of this treatment; I allowed her to work, cook and clean with little to no assistance from me. This would prove to be my first mistake in a string of catastrophic selfish acts, but in the interest of keeping this posting from becoming a novel, I will move on.

months before moving into our new home, I began to have major problems with the joints in my knees. I was only able to walk with the use of crutches and every movement was excruciating. After we moved into our new home, it got worse. I became wheelchair bound.

Without complaint, she took care of me and never let me feel like less of a man. She gazed upon me with loving eyes and showed me with her affections that she, even at this low point did not have any regrets about taking me as her husband.

2 years ago, after spending my life in a wheel chair, looking out the windows and wishing I could get out there and be with my family really began to wear on me. I knew that somehow, I had to get out of it. I was totally dependent on the kindness of others to get me through my life and this was unacceptable.

Long story short, through determination and with plenty of support, I was able to leave the wheelchair. I got re-examined by doctors and got on the correct treatment for the ailment that put me into the chair in the first place.

It was a lengthy road, but one of the first things I did was to join our local volunteer fire department. (Believe me, I know how this sounds) My wife and I have always agreed and felt a strong sense of doing what we can to help others. We both get a peace and satisfaction being able to make someone elses' situation even just a little bit better. 

I felt like that the fire department would help me and encourage my healing process by giving me exercise and a physical goal to strive for, and it did just that. I also felt proud that I was different from the average daddy, and that I could give her someone to look up to. To show her that it is good to help others in their worst times, just like mommy had done for me.

BUT...The fire department operations started out as a Tuesday night training session and some late night/early morning fire calls. One night turned quickly into 4 with the various training and classes that I went through. My wife would come home from work, and within 30 minutes, I would be gone.

I work from home and am a "Mr. Mom". I am in the house long hours, so when my wife would come home from her job and be ready to settle down for the night, I was ready to get out... Selfish in retrospect, I know. It was okay when it was a night a week and the occasional fire call, but it quickly got out of hand without me realizing it.

This year, my business has fallen substantially, making my wife the bread winner. Still, I am making more money with my business than what I could make at any paid job I am qualified for, and the cost of daycare is outrageous, so for now, I am staying with my business and trying to find new clients.

In any case, over the years and without realizing it, I have been neglectful to my wife and family by being gone so much. It wasn't just the fire department, It was weekend trips to help friends with their projects.

AND...

Even though I was at home every day, somehow I forgot to take care of the house... I didn'd make the house a happy and neat place for my wife to come home to after a long day in the dregs. She came home daily, cleaned the kitchen enough to make dinner, and then cleaned it again, while I was running off to go save the world.

Looking back, it was horrible how I treated her. I have done the worst possible thing to my wife and my family short of beating and cheating. I have neglected them. I have not taken an active role in their lives and I am a horrible man for it. I never noticed the problems because of my wife's loving eyes, smiles and willingness to do all of those things without question.

Recently, we have fallen into financial problems, and at the same time, her family has been talking to her about the things I am supposed to be doing and wanting to know why I am not doing them.

She loved me so much that she would not say anything about it to me and would just make excuses for me to her family. Eventually all of these issues came together to create a volatile and very explosive situation... Out marriage was ticking like a bomb, and one false step could set it off.

that step was made when she asked me if I would mind if she spent new years eve in a club with her friends with a "Girls' night out". I was immediately crushed. It was at this point that I realized that this marriage was not as I had been seeing it through my rose colored glasses. Looking back, the signs were there, but I chose not to see them. I accepted that this was just the way it was, and that everyone was ok.

I told her that we had to address whatever tyhe issue was, and sha came right out and told me that she does not share my feelings anymore. She told me that she has been pretending for the last 2 1/2 years, and that she cannot do it anymore. She said that there is no "spark" for her, and that what she wanted was a husband, and not a sloppy roommate who watched the kids...

There has long been no passion for us, but again, i failed to see it because of my involvement in other things.

I am desperate to show her that I AM the man she married, that I WILL be more than happy to do the household chores and to make a home for her to come to after a hard day.

My wife and family are the single most important things in my life and I have messed up badly. While she tells me that she doesn't think she will be able to love me again, she has agreed to counciling. I am totally committed to working to gain her back as my loving wife. While she may be "flirting" with the idea of seeking the arms of another, I am totally convinced that she has not done so yet. So please don't reply by telling me that she is cheating, because at this point, if she is, then I deserve it.

What can I do to go in the right direction? How can I gain back her affection? How do I begin? I am so lost and confused and I am grasping for anything that will assure me or that will give me a little hope that we can be the couple we once were... but with BOTH of us sharing the responsibility.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

It seems like you have both been through so much together , and yet you have forgottern something so simple ... communication


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo-

You are seeing things so clearly, how can you fail? Keep looking with the new eyes you now have. Have you told her how sorry you are, in the same beautiful way you have written it here?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I have confessed to her all of my guilt. I have taken on the responsibility of all of our problems. I am the root. Yes, I have told her many times and in many ways how incredibly sorry I am.

She is my inspiration, my friend, and my hero. She has already done for me more than anyone else would have done.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo-

It's good that you've taken responsibility, but you can't claim 100%. She trained you to be lazy by hardly even hinting there was a problem. I supposed she just hoped you would wake up one day.

I think that if you love her, you should be pleased that she is no longer prepared to be a doormat. Look on the bright side - if you both move on, she will not be accepting abuse from her next partner, and you will treat your next partner much better. 

I see no downside, whichever way things go


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

You know... At the end of the day, I am very confused. first, I have to say that this is not just about me... It is about our 3 year old girl, and a 12 year old girl that she brought from another marriage. This poor child wants her mother and father to get back together so badly that it hurts her. She is angry, resentful, defiant, and has little to no self esteem. The last thing she needs to have happen is to be dragged through it AGAIN. It tears away at my heart every time I look at these children and think about what their futures will bring.

Now, having said that, I do not expect to be able to treat my wife in any old fashion I please and have her to stay in the house and cater to me out of obligation to the children, but I AM saying that to tell me that she doesn't "have that spark" anymore and that she wants to get out without giving me a chance to show her the things I have neglected over the past few years is downright reckless and self-centered.

If we have only one bean to feed the family with, the children will share it. If there is insufficient funds to buy food for the children AND flavored coffee creamer for ourselves, then we, as responsible adults will have to have black coffee and the kids will eat. These are no-brainers. The KIDS come first. They are defenseless. They DEPEND on US to take care of their needs and to protect them.

I am not here to blow my own horn, but I have seen a great many discrepancies in my behavior that have ranged to the long term. Some of the problems I started creating YEARS ago. I have identified my faults, accepted them as faults and have made the commitment to myself that I will hold to the standard, and that I will give to her as generously as she has given to me until I draw my final breath.

Allow me to disclaim that I have never been unfaithful to her. I have never been abusive in the traditional sense to her. I allowed myself to indulge in activities that took me out of the house far too often. As a firefighter, I devoted my time and energy to being a fireman. I took every class, went to every training exercise. Got certified as an EMT so I could run rescue calls. In my mind, I was doing things that my family could be proud of. I wasn't hanging out in a coffee shop until all hours, I was not running off to hang around with friends... Now I realize that "gone" is "gone" no matter why you are gone.

Similarly, with me working from home and her going off into the "real world" to deal with day to day corporate stress, deadlines and demands; working late and sometimes on a weekend day - ALL for no extra pay, she DESERVED to have a hot meal on the table when she came home. She DESERVED to have her feet rubbed and her cozy slippers delivered to her. She DESERVED to be pampered. She DESERVED to go to the salon and to have her hair and nails done, and to be made to feel like a woman.

I justified my activities by telling her that I could not be the house keeper just because I work from home, that I had work to do and deadlines to meet as well. I told her that I was stretched to the max trying to juggle the daddy-day-care responsibilities. When the weekend came, I was in a rush to get out of the house. I justified it by telling her that unlike her, I don't get to see people and drive to a job, and that I am stuck in the house all week. She understood and had no problems with me taking time for myself. It was fine for a while because it was in moderation in the beginning.

The urges I had to go and "get out of the house" grew like wildfire and burned out of control. I couldn't see the lack of passion in my marriage due to the excitement and flames of passion for fighting fire.

I have all but been smashed over the head with a brick. I have seen the error of my ways. Amazingly and overnight, I have acquired the worst case of OCD that I have ever imagined. Every time there is a crumb on the floor, a dish in the sink, toys out of place, hair in the shower... whatever... I have nervously and aggressively attacked it.

Over the past few days, I have accomplished more before 6am than I had in a year before. Traditionally, my wife would leave for work at 7:00am, leaving a cup of coffee on my nightstand for me so I could have it when I woke up. Now, without the aid of an alarm clock, I am naturally up at 5am, coffee brewing at 5:05, shower, shave and get dressed by 5:20. Coffee at her bedside with one ice cube and a gentle "Good morning" at 5:25. Her alarm goes off at 5:30. While she is getting ready to go to work, I am taking care of any dishes that were left over from last night, scrubbing the garbage can, the microwave and any little droppings on the floor. I am sacking up the garbage and taking it out to the trash can. On the way back, I collect the ashtrays and last night's coffee cups from the table on the veranda and wash them.

I take her keys and go warm her car so she doesn't have to be cold for the first 5 miles of her one-hour commute. I pull her things together that she has to take with her and put them in her car. All she has to do is get in the car and leave.

Again, I am not telling you this to boast, brag, or to say "Hey, look what a good guy I am". These are things I should have already wanted to do in the first place... The ironic thing about this is that I have found a new satisfaction in being pleasing to my wife, and the sense of accomplishment that I have never before experienced in my near-40 year life.

I realized that so many times, she has needed something... New boots, a coat... Just things, but has always put my DESIRES in front of her NEEDS. She has bought mediocre things that would "get her by" for herself or even gone without so that she could buy the best for me. I have taken even the basic of things from her in selfishness.

Yesterday, I went to look in the mail and I got a letter from the State Department of the Treasury. It was a check that was for lost money that I found and claimed on the internet. (You should try it. I was surprised) I had initially intended to stash the funds and to eventually squander it away on frivolous and selfish junk from ebaY. 

My heart burned so deeply when I got that check in the mail yesterday. My initial feeling was to hide it above my sun visor and to put it in the bank immediately. I instantly became ashamed and embarrassed with myself and devoted that I would give her the check, tell her the truth about my original intent with it, and then tell her that instead, I wanted her to go and spend it on herself. Not for Christmas presents, household needs, etc. but that I wanted her to go get the boots she wanted... not boots LIKE the ones she wanted. I told her that I wanted her to go buy the coat she had her eye on that she wished for. and I told her that I wanted her to use the rest of it to take a day to pamper herself Go to the salon, hair and nails... facial... WHATEVER. It was HERS and she was to SPEND it on HERSELF.

I endorsed the check and handed it over to her. She looked at the check and her mouth just fell open. She just stared at me in disbelief for more than 30 seconds before she told me that she is truly shocked. I am sure she was shocked since I have never done anything like this before.

It is amazing the amount of joy I have found in giving to the mother of my child. I am wildly and passionately in love with her all over again. I respect her strength. I respect her mind.

I know that at this time, she feels like I am doing these things as a last ditch effort to make her stay, but I am truly committed to her and will serve her as she has served me until the day she walks out of my life.

Here's my problem...

She lets herself go and flirts with me. She winks at me with those eyes I could swim in, She gives me that sexy smile that melts me down to a drooling pile of drivel. She lets me in, but only until the determined bricklayer in her (the part of her that built up the wall to shield herself from emotion) quickly takes over and slams the door in my face. She still calls me "Babe, Hon, Love" and several other assorted pet names that she has given me over the years. I know that my wife is in there somewhere and wants to come out to give me a chance, but the "Enforcer" side of her quickly comes out and squashes the moment like a grape.

Somewhere inside there is my wife, who desperately wants to believe in me; who desires her husband's touch as badly as he desires hers, but then along comes "The Enforcer" and ends the party. The problem with this is that "The Enforcer" has total control at any time and I fear that "The Enforcer" will continue to stomp me with her great big combat boot, while taking sweet wife and shoving her into a dark closet where nobody can hear her screams.

I am scared to death and I don't know what to do.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dude,

It's great that you are being more responsible, but don't go so far to the other extreme that she thinks you have no spine! Remember, she said she wanted a man. Find the balance. Be sexy. Also, the absolute fastest way most guys in your situation "blow it" is to be too clingy and attentive. Give her quality attention, but also give her space in between. This will allow her to develop a hunger.

Again, your outside activities might need curbing a bit, but they were also keeping you fit. Fit = healthy and attractive. Be the best you can, and she won't want to loose you.

I'm sure her heart will melt, and the "Enforcer" will go back to never-never land where he came from.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Mark,

Thanks. That brought much needed cheer to me. I am still depressed that I will be 40 next week, but there will be no special celebration. I suppose it's just as well... I don't want to get any older anyway.

She still is pretty adamant that she is going out to a bar by herself on New Years while the family and I stay behind... I fear trouble with that one. I have tried to explain the hazards of that activity (I was a radio air personality for 10 years and MCed many new year's eve events in bars and I KNOW what happens to distressed and attractive wifes whose husbands are not in the presence of their company)

Her mother-in-law, however (Someone my wife loves and trusts beyond everyone else on the planet) has told me that she will try to get her to see what is going on and will try to help her sort out the confusion. We see her on Saturday. we'll see.

In any case, great advice. I don't want to look like the butler or be regarded as the maid.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

moogvo said:


> Somewhere inside there is my wife, who desperately wants to believe in me; who desires her husband's touch as badly as he desires hers, but then along comes "The Enforcer" and ends the party. The problem with this is that "The Enforcer" has total control at any time and I fear that "The Enforcer" will continue to stomp me with her great big combat boot, while taking sweet wife and shoving her into a dark closet where nobody can hear her screams.


Have you considered writing this to her and letting her read it? Maybe not now, b/c its too soon, but when the time feel right to you? i think she would break down in tears reading this.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

My wife knows that I am quite the creative writer. She is not so easily taken by my writings anymore. I do find, however, that I am able to express and work out my feelings better in writing than I ever could verbally. 

That said, I have had to revisit the early days of our relationship. I have had to examine exactly what it it was that kindled the spark which began our relationship in the first place. She told me outright that she feels even less for me today than she did on the first time we met.

Indeed I have a substantial amount of ground to make up. I have hurt her. I have ruined the trust that she had for me. I have neglected her horribly. I was no more to her than a friend and a roommate. We did, and still do share a beautiful friendship. She is my best friend, which makes this all the more difficult. I am having a problem separating the friendship from the marriage. This is a problem because when she opens up to me and goes into friend mode, I falsely fall into a belief that everything is okay.

She wants to be my friend. Right now, she is not interested in anything further than that. I think I have actually damaged our relationship further by crying on my friends and family. She has said nothing to anyone about this. I have been the one to make it public.

There is a glimmer of hope, however...

The outing that she has had planned to go to a club with a couple of unknown (to me) girlfriends (slash co-workers) to the nightclub on New Years Eve has been canceled. It wasn't about my feelings, however. I begged and pleaded with her for DAYS to understand the vulnerable position such a trip would put her and our future into. I told her that she was being selfish (Which she is entitled to be towards me, but not to our children). 

Either way, she did as I asked and asked married friends if those actions were appropriate for her. Their answers compelled her to take the "high road" and make a change for the sake of everyone involved. I had begged her to give me only the tiniest speck of leeway, so that I could know that she wasn't again just agreeing to what I wanted her to agree to to keep me quiet with no intention of allowing me back in. She has now given me that speck, and I am ready to battle hard to earn the rest.

I don't expect her to turn right around and just let me back in. It isn't going to be a week, a month, and maybe not even a year before I have shown her that I am willing to do whatever it takes to be the husband I should have been from the start. I don't WANT her to just "let me back in", as I know that when someone gives you something, you will never respect and care for it as if you earned it.

I asked her why she never let me know that our marriage was in trouble until I had to drag it out of her kicking and screaming. She says that she has known for a LONG time that I was not what she wanted. Over the years, I have thanked her regularly for marrying me, to which her response was "Thank you for asking". I have asked her why she is so good to me. She replies "Because I love you". and I have pleaded to her that if I am ever doing anything to damage the relationship, to please let me know before I have blown it. She would laugh and say "You're fine".

A new day has dawned on the horizon. Today, she dressed in a very attractive "Santa" suit which is essentially a long shirt which is low-cut on the front and the back, and her black boots. She looked absolutely breathtaking and she smelled incredible. My heart fluttered. each and every one of my senses were in overdrive and I wanted to touch her so badly. I did ask her for a hug before she left. She did reject me and told me that she knew how I felt and that she didn't feel that any contact was appropriate while she was dressed in that fashion.

It did hurt, but in light of the fact that she is sparing my feelings and calming my fears by agreeing to stay out of the clubs, I was able to take it, smile at her on the way out the door and tell her to have a good day.

She has an immense amount of strength and resistance, but now that she has made a move in good faith, I feel like I can move on and earn her back without the interference of "The Enforcer". I told her that I would respect her privacy. I told her that I would respect her person, and that I would not make any advances or try to push unwanted contact on her. Now that my fears have been somewhat calmed, I think I can do what is needed and not feel compelled to follow her around like a lost puppy. This, I believe will allow us to make great strides, and maybe it will let her begin to miss me a little too.

Thanks to all of you who have posted, and thank you for not posting messages of negativity (like "She's gone... Get over it" as I got elsewhere. You are all so kind and I greatly appreciate each and every one of you for it. I am not leaving this chat, I will continue to update and seek further advice. Maybe one day I will be able to contribute to someone else here who is going through hard times.

Tom


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo said:


> I am not leaving this chat, I will continue to update and seek further advice. Maybe one day I will be able to contribute to someone else here who is going through hard times.
> 
> Tom


Good, we want the whole 9 yards!  Happy Christmas


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Thanks Mark.

It has been a week to the hour now I have admitted every little thing I have done. I have told her Father that I have fallen short of the promise I made him 7 years ago when I asked for his permission to marry my wife to do everything in my power to keep his daughter happy, and that I was going to do anything I could do to rectify the situation.

I have gone out of my way to make sure she knows how I feel. I have not allowed her to do anything without my help. I have gone far and above the call of duty to prove that I am truly willing to be a part of the family that I have helped create.

She after a week has not touched me. Has not let me in not one inch. It seems as though she would see how badly I am hurting, and how hard I am trying, but if she never lets me do anything further than to be the butler around here, then she will never come to realize the full potential of our relationship. She seems to take a great deal of pleasure in slamming the door in my face after watching my efforts to start to earn her love. I am beginning to feel like she is taking pleasure in allowing me to be her servant until I am tired of it so she can proceed with the divorce. I feel like she is enjoying this just a shade too much.

I told her that I fully understand her feelings, but that if the roles were reversed, I would have at least attempted to meet her, and certainly not slam her out. I told her that I would not be able to sleep at night knowing how much I had hurt them, watched them try so hard and not granted them so much of one grain of compassion in return.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

You know, she has to take SOME of the responsibility for herself... Because she told you she felt like this for 2 1/2 solid YEARS (!) without telling you a word!!!
She should have mentioned her feelings were dwindling a loooong time ago.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

freeshias4me said:


> You know, she has to take SOME of the responsibility for herself... Because she told you she felt like this for 2 1/2 solid YEARS (!) without telling you a word!!!
> She should have mentioned her feelings were dwindling a loooong time ago.


You know, I think that she does feel a small part of responsibility. I can't even say with any certainty that she din't try to let me in on how she felt along the way, and that I just did not hear it. I DO know with absolute certainty that she never uttered a sound about her feelings having changed to the point where it would have made out relationship begin to change.

I have had a lot of health problems since we first met. When we met, she was active on a community softball league with her brother and friends. I used to go with her to the games. She would tell me that I am the ONLY person she ever dated that she was comfortable to bring around her friends and family.

I used to leave her roses and love letters on the front seat of her car so that she would find them when she came out from her work to come home. She finally told me that she hated roses, but that she liked getting them because nobody had ever thought of her enough to leave them for her... The list of euphoria-inducing gestures goes on. But...

Then my Gouty Arthritis began to catch up with me. First, it was crutches and constant pain for over a year. Then it progressed into a wheel chair. From there, I had been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Then this year, I added Diabetes to the list of ailments.

Over the last seven years, I have felt my mortality and have come to fear the reaper. I have have lived feeling that I would not live much longer. I was terrified. But as I raise my hand to God, the fears I have had about dying did not even begin to compare to the feelings and fears I have about losing my beautiful wife.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo-

You are seeing a side to your wife that you did not know she had. At the same time, you have been demonstrating a side to you that neither of you knew you had. So you are both out of sync at the moment.

One way to get back in step is for you to keep up being reasonable, and just wait. but don't fawn all over her in a spineless way. That will push her away. Give her the space to express her nastiness. If it is not her true nature, she will tire of it eventually. If you refuse to react to it, she will see it mirrored back to her and eventually cringe.

If you want to play along, give her more space the nastier she gets. That is a very subtle way of letting her see that her behaviour leads to isolation. If you fawn all over her, and she is getting a kick out of seeing you suffer, then she will just twist the knife harder.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Mark,

Thank you for those words. I have to figure out how to stay away and to keep my feelings from breaking the silence. I have found that for every step forward I take, I let my "feelings" come out and make her mad... and yes, probably make her inclined to encrease the suffering. I just need to figure out how to keep my mouth shut...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well this may not work for you... but sometimes it can help to see it as a game of chess.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Mark,

I am beginning to see this as a game. I am trying to gain some self-respect. It is really difficult to see her and to see that she has basically remained unchanged in her attitude towards me. If this is indeed a game (and it could be) then I would be really hurt to know that she has been doing this to me to make a point.

I have decided to treat her as she is me. I am not following her around anymore. I am not telling her how I feel anymore and I am existing like her friend and roommate with the exception that we are sharing the same quarters. Still, I am having a hard time not wanting her.

Example: I am not an artist, but from time to time, I become inspired to put pencil to paper. It has been about 10 years since my last inspiration, but this is what I did yesterday...










Clearly, I have overwhelming feelings for her and I am not sure how to get past them and how to stop craving her love and affection... Mind boggling.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo-

I did not mean that sort of a game. I meant that one day we wake up and find we have been playing a game unconsciously all our lives. We can't help it, and we don't know who wrote the script, or why we continue to play - especially when the game gets tedious.

If you have woken up before your wife, then you can watch her play with love and respect, while you make your own moves with deliberation, with the best motives in mind.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

-Forgot to say, your drawing is exquisite. Why aren't you doing this for a living?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Hi mark. Well... Thank you and let me address that I can only draw this way when I am inspired to do so. I cannot do this at will. This is my first sketch in over 10 years.



***I have removed the rest of the text from this post because it was all written in anger and has no place here***


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo-

That's one of the most interesting stories I have ever heard.

I understand your pain but...

Unfortunately you did not come off very well in that you are attempting to emotionally blackmail her. Two wrongs don't make a right. I think you need to re-read your last post, and count the number of times you threatened her.

There reaches a point in life where it dawns on a person to ask themselves what they want to achieve by their actions.

When that point is reached, we then throw away all the actions that are not in alignment with that purpose. I believe means and ends are identical. If you use blackmail, you will achieve becoming a blackmailer. How do you plan to gradually turn her mind round from seeing you as her blackmailer to being her lover?

You have also sent her a very twisted sexual message. You never initiate sex, but now you have told her not to bother either. I'm not sure how this will play out, but given your own problems in this area, it might need a rethink.

On the positive side, you were very very firm with her, and that made you seem more like a man. I would apologise for the nasty things you said, but DON NOT ever put anything in writing. (Keep her letter just in case in a safe place not in the house).

If you are really fleet of foot, you can pretend all that nasty stuff was just the heat of the moment - you might just get away with it.

But in that you handled it so badly, I think the only way you can keep her now is to give her, her freedom and see if she still chooses you.

It's high time you addressed your own problems, you can't blame your childhood forever.

There is one thing that might just work:
You had better buy those roses you mentioned - very prophetic.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Actually, my childhood has nothing to do with who I am today. I am not quite sure how I conveyed otherwise. I was very emotionally distressed when I wrote that last posting. I certainly did not want to force her to stay here with me if she didn't want to.

She did confess just as I was about to have exactly the evidence I needed which is good because I would have invited her to leave immediately upon her arrival home from work.

I had a lot of feelings that were all mixed up and had felt angry because she watched me work on my changes and became angry about each and every thing I did to become a more positive person and to work on the marriage. 

Since the time of that posting, however, we have made a very positive connection and she finally said that she doesn't want it to be over. I told her that I didn't want it to be either and we became very affectionate. I can now feel that she has opened her heart back up to me. She has shared her feelings with me in a way I have never known her to do, and I have had to stop her from the extra pain and suffering she was putting herself through over our collective situation.

At this time, I feel like things are moving into a positive direction. She showed me feelings that I have not seen in months and months. She now talks openly about the situation and is willing to happily answer any questions or comments I might have. 

I am very excited and feel like this is a great turning point where we can begin to heal. This forum has been able to help me greatly to sort out my feelings and to give me a place to vent my frustrations. I hope that my next postings can be as positive as this one.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

moogvo-

That is good news 

You made some nasty threats, and unless you intend to carry them out, you should apologise quickly, before they take root.


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