# Frequency of 'other' benefits if you get turned down



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

This is for both men and women, though I'm curious to hear from the women out there on this.

If your man is in the mood for sex and you aren't, how often do you offer up, or engaging, something else for him? I mean BJ, HJ, whatever.

Men, how often do you get something else if you are denied sex?

And I mean within a few hours or so of being denied, not four days later or something.

When you do get/offer up something, is it a 'duty sex' or 'chore sex' situation, or is it with enthusiasm?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

If I don't feel like it I'll still do it. At first its duty sex but after a couple minutes I get into it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Same here. If I don't feel like I still do it. Within minutes I'm into it as well.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

In 40+ years of marriage, my wife has never opted to take care of me short of sex. No HJ or BJ. If she isn't interested, I need to take care of it myself.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Men, how often do you get something else if you are denied sex?
> 
> And I mean within a few hours or so of being denied, not four days later or something.


Never get anything, period. It's been 2 1/2 years now.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I wrote about my experiences in this department in the other forum, but to summarize there was a period of time when our different drives meant no sex at all if she wasn't in the mood. That eventually changed, and now we both have a role in what happens. 

To me sex is more than just a pleasurable release. I get a lot out of her being next to me, touching me, and being connected to me. Of course sometimes we just try again some other time. There are times when she's not interested and I'm perfectly happy taking care of myself. Other times she will cuddle up next to me, kiss me, play with my nips, and even put her hand on top of mine while I stroke. To me that is very intimate and much more exciting and fulfilling than a half hearted BJ. She is able to be a part of sex without having sex, if that makes any sense. Other times she takes care of me with a BJ or hand job, but frankly if she's not turned on I would rather have her be a part of my masturbation.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

She says, "would you like me to touch you?"

Usually happens, done with love.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Could we flip that, please? I'd be willing
to do anything for him, even if I'm not in 
the mood. My problem is when I'M in the
mood, he doesn't want to do anything...
Because in his mind, it all leads to
intercourse. There were times when I put
him off. I admit it. Sometimes, I feel I am
getting payback from then... tho he assures
me that isn't the case.

So... he would/will get if he wants. I do not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Could we flip that, please? I'd be willing
> to do anything for him, even if I'm not in
> the mood. My problem is when I'M in the
> mood, he doesn't want to do anything...
> ...


I thought about making it a question for both ways, but figured it'd get a bit complicated to keep it all sorted out, but as the OP, I want you to know I fully understand that this is an issue which goes both ways.

Why, I have no idea because as a man, I'm damn near vibrating for my fiancee every second day or so, and would be willing to 'put out' more if she wanted.

How I wish she wanted 

I feel for you Maricha. As a HD man, it's tough, but we have strength in numbers it seems. I feel bad as is sometimes, I couldn't imagine how I'd feel as a woman.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> My problem is when I'M in the
> mood, he doesn't want to do anything...
> Because in his mind, it all leads to
> intercourse.


What would you consider to be a positive outcome in those situations? For example, I mentioned that I love it when my wife "helps" me masturbate without any expectation of intercourse or even oral sex for that matter. That, to me, is wonderful and makes me happy. Not because I need an orgasm or selfishly want sex, but because there is an intimate emotional connection when we're being sexual that I need to experience more often in spite of differing drives.

In my humble experience, because the frequency of actual lovemaking in the "dark days" was almost nonexistant it became critical to learn to communicate and express my need for touch and intimate contact even if we weren't having sex. She also felt that any sexual contact might lead to an expectation of sex, and shut down. Of course I could masturbate, but it was a lonely experience and left me feeling badly disconnected from her. It took me a while to express that to her, namely that I needed her touch and intimacy even if I was flying solo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The only reason I've ever turned down sex is when I've been sick or so tired that I was non-functional. So no, I've never given a hj or bj as a way to 'service' a partner.

And with that said, sex is not always intercourse... it's just that when intercourse is not involved I'm still very much into what we are doing.

On the flip side I've had husband who refuse me sex and who would never consider just helping me out. So in my life it's been my husband who withheld sex... not me.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

If I keep breaking her chops, I'll get the HJ. It's become kind of a game; she knows I'm horny and I know she's not. It's like a chore for her that she dislikes doing but deals with it. I am not thrilled with the arrangement, but it could be worse. 

There are those rare occasions when she's doing something for me and I let my hand wander without getting it nudged away. She started out not in the mood but got in it during. Wish I could bottle those nights.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> What would you consider to be a positive outcome in those situations? For example, I mentioned that I love it when my wife "helps" me masturbate without any expectation of intercourse or even oral sex for that matter. That, to me, is wonderful and makes me happy. Not because I need an orgasm or selfishly want sex, but because there is an intimate emotional connection when we're being sexual that I need to experience more often in spite of differing drives.
> 
> In my humble experience, because the frequency of actual lovemaking in the "dark days" was almost nonexistant it became critical to learn to communicate and express my need for touch and intimate contact even if we weren't having sex. She also felt that any sexual contact might lead to an expectation of sex, and shut down. Of course I could masturbate, but it was a lonely experience and left me feeling badly disconnected from her. It took me a while to express that to her, namely that I needed her touch and intimacy even if I was flying solo.


Honestly? I really don't know what would be a positive outcome. I guess I just don't like when we have our "our time" and before we even start talking or cuddling or anything, he says right away "I'd do something, but (fill in the blank)" Usually it's his back hurting or headache (yes, men give that excuse too!)... or he just isn't in the mood, blaming his meds. These are all times when I am not even expecting anything, so to have him say that... stings.

So, yea, I have no idea how to make it better. I would love for him to just tease me for awhile... no expectation of penetration. Anything.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> There are those rare occasions when she's doing something for me and I let my hand wander without getting it nudged away. She started out not in the mood but got in it during. Wish I could bottle those nights.


One of the things that I learned, at least in our case, is that it's important to communicate and to create opportunities for sex. Sometimes we'd start out just spooning. Of course she could feel my erection nestled against her, but we agreed that it was okay if she didn't get aroused. as long as she was open to the possibility of it happening. We'd talk and caress each other, including what I would describe as intimate yet non sexual caresses of her breasts, vulva, and bottom. Sometimes it would lead to her arousal. Other times it wouldn't. Of course the feel of her softness and heat would sometimes really turn me on. The important thing was that we both agreed that if she didn't get aroused on any given night that it wouldn't be thought of as either failure or rejection no matter how much I might get aroused. I would either masturbate with or without her loving help, or I would just wait for the next opportunity. In my case it boiled down to communication. Unfortunately I didn't realize that until a lot of hurt had been felt on both of our parts.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Honestly? I really don't know what would be a positive outcome. I guess I just don't like when we have our "our time" and before we even start talking or cuddling or anything, he says right away "I'd do something, but (fill in the blank)" Usually it's his back hurting or headache (yes, men give that excuse too!)... or he just isn't in the mood, blaming his meds. These are all times when I am not even expecting anything, so to have him say that... stings.


His reaction sounds very much both defensive and pre-emptive. He seems to be saying that he's afraid or feels guilty that he won't get turned on or be able to perform, both of which can be pretty hard for men to deal with. After all, we're supposed to be ready any time anywhere just because there's a stiff breeze  By saying something up front he shuts down intimacy and spares himself the embarassment. I am hypothesizing, but does that seem accurate?

Do you think that an arrangement like I have with my wife would work for you both? I finally told my wife that while I wasn't embarassed or ashamed to say that her body and touch turn me on, I was willing to accept that she isn't as easily aroused and not be hurt or offended. Do you think it would help for him to hear that from you? I apologize if you've already answered that question elsewhere. I am not terribly good about reading everyone's posts


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> His reaction sounds very much both defensive and pre-emptive. He seems to be saying that he's afraid or feels guilty that he won't get turned on or be able to perform, both of which can be pretty hard for men to deal with. After all, we're supposed to be ready any time anywhere just because there's a stiff breeze  By saying something up front he shuts down intimacy and spares himself the embarassment. I am hypothesizing, but does that seem accurate?
> 
> Do you think that an arrangement like I have with my wife would work for you both? I finally told my wife that while I wasn't embarassed or ashamed to say that her body and touch turn me on, I was willing to accept that she isn't as easily aroused and not be hurt or offended. Do you think it would help for him to hear that from you? I apologize if you've already answered that question elsewhere. I am not terribly good about reading everyone's posts


I think that's pretty accurate. Obviously more involved, but that is at least part of it. I know it takes work, and that you guys aren't always waiting to pounce...well, not ALL men anyway 

We have time we set aside to just cuddle and talk at night. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes it doesn't. I have offered just a massage. Not anything sexual, just the intimacy, just touching each other. One poster suggested that to me awhile back. He has no interest. Again, his lack of interest/enthusiasm, he attributes to his medications. Maybe that is the reason... maybe not. 

Tbh, I think there is more at play than just the medication, and he doesn't want to address it. Not necessarily a physical problem, but psychological, which is affecting him physically. I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to bring the subject up. Before anyone asks, he IS in IC already.

Anyway, we do lie down together and cuddle. I don't expect sex. I have told him that many times. I still get that statement. So, idk.


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## RocketMonger (Aug 4, 2012)

I guess I should consider myself lucky. Very lucky in fact. My wife's libido is good for great sex twice a week. On the times she doesn't want to have sex, she gladly gives me a handjob.

I've gotten to really look forward to those now. She's gotten damn near perfect technique, and she has nice long manicured painted nails. She teases me and tickles me until I'm shivering all over - until I finally orgasm. These are some of the most intense orgasms I've ever had, and yet it takes her less than 10 minutes.

This is 10 minutes maybe 2 or 3 times a week at the most. And it makes all the difference in the world. I feel like she cares about me every bit as much as she says she does. It makes me want to do things for her taht I otherwise would hate to do, because I want her to feel like I care just as much about her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

you mean like offering to give a new list of chores around the house?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In my experience, only on occasion was duty sex ever offered up. Much more often than not, I was just expected to ethically deal with it in the best way that I could figure out!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> One of the things that I learned, at least in our case, is that it's important to communicate and to create opportunities for sex. Sometimes we'd start out just spooning. Of course she could feel my erection nestled against her, but we agreed that it was okay if she didn't get aroused. as long as she was open to the possibility of it happening. We'd talk and caress each other, including what I would describe as intimate yet non sexual caresses of her breasts, vulva, and bottom. Sometimes it would lead to her arousal. Other times it wouldn't. Of course the feel of her softness and heat would sometimes really turn me on. The important thing was that we both agreed that if she didn't get aroused on any given night that it wouldn't be thought of as either failure or rejection no matter how much I might get aroused. I would either masturbate with or without her loving help, or I would just wait for the next opportunity. In my case it boiled down to communication. Unfortunately I didn't realize that until a lot of hurt had been felt on both of our parts.


My question with your technique is, how often does it result in sex?

I agree that not all of the time should be resulting in sex, but if you are doing that and most nights aren't getting any, I know that would build disappointment in me. I'm ok with some level of rejection as well, but if I was doing what you say you two do (cuddling, spooning, touching, etc. and was getting turned aside on a regular basis, it'd build up a lot of frustration and resentment on my part.



RocketMonger said:


> I guess I should consider myself lucky. Very lucky in fact. My wife's libido is good for great sex twice a week. On the times she doesn't want to have sex, she gladly gives me a handjob.
> 
> I've gotten to really look forward to those now. She's gotten damn near perfect technique, and she has nice long manicured painted nails. She teases me and tickles me until I'm shivering all over - until I finally orgasm. These are some of the most intense orgasms I've ever had, and yet it takes her less than 10 minutes.
> 
> This is 10 minutes maybe 2 or 3 times a week at the most. And it makes all the difference in the world. I feel like she cares about me every bit as much as she says she does. It makes me want to do things for her taht I otherwise would hate to do, because I want her to feel like I care just as much about her.


It's funny how an extra 10-30 minutes a week in bed, doing just something for your partner, is all most HD people want, and to get that can easily put aside the opportunity for resentment and frustration to grow a wedge in a relationship.

Yet apparently cards on a computer are more important sometimes.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I have never just had him pleasure me when he doesn't want sex. I also never turn him down. He's getting better about increasing our frequency. He knows if I come to bed nakie, don't say no I really, really need some lovin.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> My question with your technique is, how often does it result in sex?
> 
> I agree that not all of the time should be resulting in sex, but if you are doing that and most nights aren't getting any, I know that would build disappointment in me. I'm ok with some level of rejection as well, but if I was doing what you say you two do (cuddling, spooning, touching, etc. and was getting turned aside on a regular basis, it'd build up a lot of frustration and resentment on my part.


At first it wasn't all that often. She would tell me that she had to "focus" and "concentrate" to get in the mood for sex. Slowly but surely she became much more comfortable just letting me make intimate contact and became able to enjoy it because there was no pressure. 

It did take commitment on my part not to resent the times when it didn't happen. All that I can say there is that I was so appreciative of her being open to the possibility of sex (versus outright rejection) and being open to letting me touch her intimately (versus "no touch" for fear that it might lead to an expectation of sex), that I didn't resent the times when it didn't lead to sex. The times when I really needed her sexual attentions I was able to ask for "a little help" and she knew that giving it wasn't a sign of failure. It was an opportunity for her to connect with me sexually, even if she wasn't in the mood for sex. It took commitment from both of us.

Once she was able to relax and enjoy being touched without dreading an expectation of sex, she started becoming more easily sexually aroused. I think that's because she could just "go with the flow". She didn't feel like she was avoiding conflict.

I think that what's important is that we were (and are) working on intimacy as a couple. We both agree that we're open to the possibility of sex. If I need a helping hand I don't resent her giving me one instead of being wet and ready. It takes a little time, but it is _so_ much better than getting the cold shoulder and going without anything at all.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i've never given a HJ... ever. just makes me feel weird. i dont think i'm good at it. i figure [he] would be better at it with all the practice [he] gets. 

bj's i dont give instead of sex.. i do it to mix things up a bit. i guess we have no substitutes for the real deal. and i cant remember the last time one of us turned eachother down. when it does happen it's because we're in the middle of a disagreement or argument.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I will get that (a HJ) about 90% of the time if she is too tired, not feeling well, etc. There are also times that she will tell me to go ahead without an expectation that she orgasm...although even then she often will.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

nada, nothing, zilch. i have moved on from caring anymore


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> To me sex is more than just a pleasurable release. I get a lot out of her being next to me, touching me, and being connected to me. Of course sometimes we just try again some other time. There are times when she's not interested and I'm perfectly happy taking care of myself. Other times she will cuddle up next to me, kiss me, play with my nips, and even put her hand on top of mine while I stroke. To me that is very intimate and much more exciting and fulfilling than a half hearted BJ. She is able to be a part of sex without having sex, if that makes any sense. Other times she takes care of me with a BJ or hand job, but frankly if she's not turned on I would rather have her be a part of my masturbation.


:iagree::iagree:

My wife and I began to do this about a year ago. At first, she felt very wierd about not participating more fully but I think I was finally able to convince her that I am just content for her to cuddle, kiss and play in helping me masturbate. I agree that it is a way for her to participate without having to do much but it means so much to me. Not just physically but emotionally as well. 
To answer the original question of the OP, I would say that about 80-90% of the time I am able to get "something" when I am in the mood. I have recently started telling my wife in a playful manner that "one of us is going to have sex with me tonight" with a big smile on my face. That usually gets a chuckle and if not full on participation, at least a bj, hj or help with masturbation.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

The only time we use "other benefits" is during that time of the month, when I'm more than willing to give him as many bjs as he wants. The only other time anyone gets turned down is if one of us is either physically ill or so seriously exhausted that we can hardly stand, and in those two cases it's not likely that we're going to offer something else instead. That's very rare though, so neither of us gets upset.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Well..... I pretty much never say no to sex (unless i'm half dead with a flu or the likes and then he's not likely initiate anyway) but if I have my period I'll offer a BJ or jump in the shower with him...he loves a warm soapy handjob.

The older i get the more I realise that me giving him 5 or 10 or 15 mins of my time will add 100% joy to his day...which in turn makes him a lovely husband. 
It's win/win for us both


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

yes, I only get the 'special menu' during her monthly. Usually its a tit [email protected]#.... Occassionally, she'll initiate a bj. Never a hj since she, um.... Remember indian burns as a kid?


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## The Chimp (Feb 14, 2012)

Never cos only weirdos perverts and woman haters want their wives to do stuff like that.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> This is for both men and women, though I'm curious to hear from the women out there on this.
> 
> If your man is in the mood for sex and you aren't, how often do you offer up, or engaging, something else for him? I mean BJ, HJ, whatever.
> 
> ...


IN the last year -6 months my dh and I have made a huge turnaround in our marriage in our sexual relationship, (initiated by me getting on here and learning) I used to say tomorrow or something, now I am much more understanding of that being his number one need in our relationship and I will take care of him right then (children permitting) and even then sometimes I will say give me 5 mins... and find them something to do and lock the bedroom door and I love to give him a BJ if I am not in the mood. He however at the same time is now more perceptive to the fact that I as a female take some warm up time, and will if he wants me tell me, he wants the "full deal" and we will make out. Sometimes however, I will say later, and then tease him throughout the day, I have found that in return he teases me and that puts me in the mood.... I had to initiate this myself to begin with, but now mostly, he doesn't catch me often not in the mood and if I am not in the mood its hormonal, but I will make sure to take care of him, satisfy him and fully do it with love, desire and often find that alone will turn me on and then I request something in return or get him ready to go and hop on. We have also made sure to Fully kiss every single day, it helps me a lot. It is no longer duty, it is fully with enthusiasm as I love him and I want him to be fulfilled in our marriage and not seek anything elsewhere. At the same time we also are spending more time bonding, just doing fun things together, some things he likes and some things I like, and I have noticed all these things together, he does more things for me just in general little things. (not sexual) Overall it has improved our relationship sooooo much! We started with some basic communication though and built from there. If it helps we are hitting our 11 years together. 
But it wasn't always like that... and it wasn't always bad either.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

When he is in the mood, I'm almost always in the mood. I don't think I ever turned him down in the past three years. Before our love-making, I'll give him a BJ or HJ. He is the one that is not in the mood, sometimes. He likes to 69, but I don't. I find it hard to focus on giving and receiving pleasure.

When he's not, he'll use different things on me. It'll usually develop into sex, however.

Sometimes, the most non-sexual actions can be the most intimate to me. Throughout the day, we are always touching each other. Our computers are close together. I'll lean over and touch his thigh. He'll brush his hand across my shoulders when he gets up to go to another room.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have never told my husband no when he has wanted sex!

I don't think one spouse should ever refuse the other one, even if one isn't really in the mood, it is not that hard to get in the mood.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

there were never any benefits so the frequency would be zero. It was either all or nothing. Mostly nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Well I get nothing, and I get rejected almost everyday, and might get approved for emotionless, motionless only intercourse once in two weeks and rest of the times I am completely rejected. And what I get in return is ..... my wife turning to the other side and snorring .........


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IMO, if someone isn't in the mood for sex, they're not in the mood for sex period.  Providing this isn't an ongoing problem, I don't think it's fair to pressure someone who isn't in the mood into simply 'servicing' you.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> IMO, if someone isn't in the mood for sex, they're not in the mood for sex period.  Providing this isn't an ongoing problem, I don't think it's fair to pressure someone who isn't in the mood into simply 'servicing' you.


I not implying pressuring someone, so sorry if you got that from my post.

I was more meaning if you are in the mood and your partner isn't, how often/much do they offer to help you out versus leaving you to deal with your sexual desires on your own.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When I'm in the mood and she isn't (pretty much always), I get nothing. If she ever got in the mood, I'd be game cause I honestly don't know what "not in the mood" feels like.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> When I'm in the mood and she isn't (pretty much always), I get nothing. If she ever got in the mood, I'd be game cause I honestly don't know what "not in the mood" feels like.


:iagree:


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Many women have said something along the lines of; 'me giving him 5-10 mins a day for 'him' makes his day 100% better which in turn makes mine 100% better'....consdiering there are 1,440 minutes in a day, 5-10 minutes is miniscule.

Thats all it takes. I'd say thats a bloody good return on investment!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I have never really been " turned down " by my wife.
My approach to sex is different. Whenever I a positive that I want sex that night,I will initiate it long before in small increments. I turn on her mind by sexual innuendoes in small bits.
So that by bedtime she knows what's on the menu.

I never set any expectations if she is sick or having her period.

Most times she approaches me for sex. If I am tired, usually we will cuddle , hug or spoon and talk until she falls asleep. I tell her just let me get some rest and wake me up later.
She is usually very restless when she wants sex and cannot have it . 
If she doesn't wake me up, then we have morning sex.


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