# Next steps . . . attempting to reconcile



## falconbridge

Firstly thanks to all those that participate in this forum, it has been truely beneficial these past few months. 

This year started pretty badly for me (see previous posts). W in emotional affair and then moved out for the past 2 months to have space. The short term lease where she is staying is ending shortly and she says intends to return home. 

A few keys points:
- the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere
- I have been seeing IC and turns out I have had anxiety issues for years . . . I have sort of known but never shone a spotlight on it as an issue before, so thats a journey for me. 
- During the separation we have seen each other for ~1 hour a week and chatted, these have all been very calm good chats, occasionally upsetting as things come out but that is to be expected. 
- I believe a lot of the issues stem from her feeling of loss of identity in the marriage and self esteem issues from childhood. 
- W says while she is retuning home she doesn't believe it is going to work out. 

The past two months have been quite rough for me, I struggled emotionally a lot more than I thought I would, which fits with anxiety. Local doctor has been great helping me with this. 

We still have a BIG 4 week overseas holiday to the other side of the world booked which is in 5 weeks time. I am worried it is such a massive trip it in itself could be unneeded stress, having said that it could also be a good opportunity for the two of us to reconnect. . . .my friends are all saying we should cancel it. . . I am torn about it. 

My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. 

Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?


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## Malaise

falconbridge said:


> Firstly thanks to all those that participate in this forum, it has been truely beneficial these past few months.
> 
> This year started pretty badly for me (see previous posts). W in emotional affair and then moved out for the past 2 months to have space. *The short term lease where she is staying is ending shortly and she says intends to return home*.
> 
> She's coming home because she'll have no place to stay otherwise.
> 
> A few keys points:
> - *the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere
> 
> You're plan B
> 
> 
> *- I have been seeing IC and turns out I have had anxiety issues for years . . . I have sort of known but never shone a spotlight on it as an issue before, so thats a journey for me.
> - During the separation we have seen each other for ~1 hour a week and chatted, these have all been very calm good chats, occasionally upsetting as things come out but that is to be expected.
> - I believe a lot of the issues stem from her feeling of loss of identity in the marriage and self esteem issues from childhood.
> - *W says while she is retuning home she doesn't believe it is going to work out.
> 
> *
> 
> She's telling the truth here, just needs a place to stay
> 
> The past two months have been quite rough for me, I struggled emotionally a lot more than I thought I would, which fits with anxiety. Local doctor has been great helping me with this.
> 
> *We still have a BIG 4 week overseas holiday to the other side of the world booked which is in 5 weeks time. I am worried it is such a massive trip it in itself could be unneeded stress, having said that it could also be a good opportunity for the two of us to reconnect.*
> 
> I wouldn't want to miss that trip either
> 
> 
> . . .my friends are all saying we should cancel it. . . I am torn about it. Cancel it
> 
> My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. *Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. *
> 
> She's telling you how she feels. But, she needs that place to stay and then there's that trip.
> 
> I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.
> 
> 
> Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?


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## SunCMars

Yes, the trip. She wants this badly. It is all about her.
Do not spend an extra nickle on her. 

After [nicely] telling her that you cancelled this trip, see how long she sticks around...stays nice.


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## Annalea

LOL! You're killing me Malaise.

I have to say I agree 100% though. Sadly


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## Marc878

It in your best interest to go your own way. Do not let your fear define you.

She needs to see you'll be ok without her. Strength is attractive, weakness is not.

You do not want to continue to live this way. Yeah, it might hurt short term but it's better than living this for another 2-3 years.


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## Openminded

She's telling you as plainly as she can that you're Plan B. If you're okay with that then go ahead and R. But know that she'll likely continue looking for a new replacement for you since the other one didn't work out.


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## TAMAT

fb,

A few keys points:
*- the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere*

She moved out and still claims it is an emotional affair!?

If she moved out it was physical too.

When the affair became a real relationship then conflict begins and hence the running back to you.

She needs to take a polygraph.

Tamat


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## Tron

The test drive with the OM didn't work out, so she is begrudgingly coming back home because she cannot support herself...

Uhhhhh...how does it feel to be her plan C. I don't think you are even plan B.

Oh yeah, and cancel the trip. Sooner or later after the trip the same chickens will come home to roost. It will just be a temporary reprieve.


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## Tron

And get yourself a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer.


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## Marc878

See this a lot. The BS wanting to believe it was an EA because the truth is too hard to bare. Very doubtful.

Wake up and get out of denial.


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## Hope1964

falconbridge said:


> My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.
> 
> Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?


WHAT marriage?? Your wife moved out so she could screw around. Now she is coming back to live with you because it's convenient.

Why are YOU worried about saying or doing the wrong thing?? SHE should be the one worried - worried about whether you'll slap her upside the head!!!! OK not really SLAP her, but dammit man, grow a set, PLEASE?

I kicked my husband out the day I found out he was cheating and I allowed him to move back a few months later. notice I said I ALLOWED HIM to. Before that he had to prove to me that he was serious about R. And your wife is about as far from serious about R as they come.

Cut your losses and file for D. Cancel the trip now before it ends up costing way more money than it should. And get a new counselor. Obviously the one you have isn't telling you what you really need to hear.


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## Diana7

Its sounds as if you are allowing her to call the shots when its her who has caused all this. She says that SHE intends to come home!?!? What about what YOU want or think? Is she fully repentant? Is she going to make the effort to rebuild the trust? Has she taken full responsibility for what she did rather than blaming it on her 'loss of identity in the marriage?'(whatever that total nonsense means). 
In your place I would say that you need to stay apart until you can be sure that she wont cheat and lie again and walk out on you again. Maybe meet together more than one hour a week, have some long term marriage counseling and suggest she takes a another 6 month rental to see where you are by then. Make her wait and work at rebuilding your trust. Oh and cancel the holiday is my advise. Being together for 5 weeks after just one hour a week isnt going to work. 
Stand up for yourself you are being a doormat.


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## Marc878

Wake up!!!!


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## SunCMars

Invite her to a predawn meeting. 

Ring her up at 4:30 AM. Tell her you will be at her place at 5:15 AM.

Pick her up and take her to the Beach or the Lake. Bring coffee and sweet rolls.

Sit on a bench and await the Sunrise. The Sun uncovers all truth, disinfects sickly thoughts.

Once it pops up over the Horizon, both of you stand and face it.

Look behind you, see if she casts a shadow. If no shadow is seen or it is a dim one, then stand in front of her. See if you can see "only" your shadow.

If that is the case, her mind, body and soul are not with you. They are somewhere.....unknown.


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## Evinrude58

Coming back because it's convenient-- chec

Coming back and telling you she's not really wanting to reconcile ("I don't think it's going to work out")
Check.

Affair with another man and you aren't even plan B? She places zero priority on you. 
Check.

Using you? Check

Going to look for your replacement while living at your home--- check.

Total lack of remorse for cheating on you( hell yes it was physical)
Check.

She is not even going to consider having sex with you, or only when she's totally horny and no kissing, no feeling, total coldness during sex?
Likely a check.

Leaving again as soon as the opportunity arises?
Likely a check.

May be a while, though. According to how attractive she is and how well she can mask her true self and seem like a good person....

You have got to detach and I hope you don't let your cheating wife come back. She's gonna leave again, man. She's already told you as much.

Keep your dignity. Tell her to stay gone. She's not worth keeping.


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## Wazza

This relationship is not going to fix your self esteem issues or your anxiety. You need to work on them and find a way through them yourself. 

As part of that, I would think carefully before doing your wife's bidding. If you want to work on things with her by all means go ahead, but I would remove the reasons for her to be with you that aren't about you. (Somewhere to live, trips, etc).


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## straightshooter

falconbridge said:


> Firstly thanks to all those that participate in this forum, it has been truely beneficial these past few months.
> 
> This year started pretty badly for me (see previous posts). W in emotional affair and then moved out for the past 2 months to have space. The short term lease where she is staying is ending shortly and she says intends to return home.
> 
> A few keys points:
> - the W's emotional affair has gone nowhere
> - I have been seeing IC and turns out I have had anxiety issues for years . . . I have sort of known but never shone a spotlight on it as an issue before, so thats a journey for me.
> - During the separation we have seen each other for ~1 hour a week and chatted, these have all been very calm good chats, occasionally upsetting as things come out but that is to be expected.
> - I believe a lot of the issues stem from her feeling of loss of identity in the marriage and self esteem issues from childhood.
> - W says while she is retuning home she doesn't believe it is going to work out.
> 
> The past two months have been quite rough for me, I struggled emotionally a lot more than I thought I would, which fits with anxiety. Local doctor has been great helping me with this.
> 
> We still have a BIG 4 week overseas holiday to the other side of the world booked which is in 5 weeks time. I am worried it is such a massive trip it in itself could be unneeded stress, having said that it could also be a good opportunity for the two of us to reconnect. . . .my friends are all saying we should cancel it. . . I am torn about it.
> 
> My intention at this point to give the marriage the best possible shot I can. Her pessimism about the marriage not working out worries me. I am looking forward to her coming home, however at the same time I am worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.
> 
> Any words of advice from anyone that has reconciled about the first few days weeks back in the same house?


What marriage do you think you are going to work out. Your wife was cheating on you, may still be, has probably been having sex with another man, and basically is telling you that she is coming home out of convenience and her lease running out, NOT because she misses you and loves you and is sorry and will show it.

If you think your year has not been going great so far, wait until you see what you are in for.

So to answer your question, you cannot reconcile with someone who does not want to. Just read your post above, and tell yourself what advice you would give to your brother who wrote that story. 

Her boyfriend did not work out, so stop making excuses for her self esteem or anything else and understand you are Plan B and just a landing zone until she finds another boyfriend.

And lastly, you really need some professional help to consider rewarding her with an expensive five week vacation for leaving you basically to explore her fun with another man. What you should be doing is spending the money on an attorney and giving her your set of expectations starting with her being "all in" or "all out". Why does she get to decide what she is doing here and you just accepting it.

You are in the big time "pick me" game here. Your are not in R or anywhere close. You are just accommodating her selfish behavior with no consequences at all.


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## Lostinthought61

I get why she would rugsweep all of this but when its the OP who rugsweeps the spouses affair, then that says a lot about the OP, and their weaken self-esteem and willingness to take crumbs as opposed to nothing......as the most interesting man in the world would say....Stay hungry my friend.....stay hungry


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## manfromlamancha

Falconbridge you really need to wake up!!!! It seems your doctor didn't hit you hard enough!

This marriage is OVER! It has been for some time. You are in love with the idea of being in love no matter what your "beautiful" wife does to you.

She has been giving her attention and emotional focus to other people - at least two other men and now there is a potential third who wants to go to romantic spots at night with her. And she is happy to entertain this.

She has told you: she is having an affair with one man and he is her love (emotional is still cheating and you cannot really verify if any of this has not gone physical), her best friend is yet another and she is entertaining spending nights in romantic spots with a third - all while criticising you and accusing you of "NOT TRUSTING HER" (absurd I know). She has told you constantly (and unwaveringly) just how bad you are. She wanted to get you a car so that you didn't depend on her while she takes time off from you to go fvck other guys and see if they work out. I am not even sure if you are Plan B because there appears to already be a Plan A, Plan B and Plan C (that we know about) making you Plan D. And all you have done in response is to do the "pick me" dance which only confirms to her that you are weak and loathsome. 

And now she needs to come back because she has no place to stay and as she has told you, not because she wants to reconcile with you. Every dollar you spend on counselling, she is probably thinking about how it go towards something else that she wants to buy but is going along with this to keep you from forcing her hand.

You should not want her back - she doesn't love you and it sounds like she doesn't even like you! So why on Earth would you put up with this.

File for divorce, get this over and done with and stop wingeing! As others have told you, no one else is going to solve this for you other than yourself. This is NOT going to get better otherwise.


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