# Help needed on possible cheating and ways to move forward



## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

*Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

Hi everyone, 
I need help. I have been married for 11 years and have considered myself lucky as I have had an awesome marriage with an incredibly supportive husband....with one exception....I believe he has been cheating on me with someone he works with. He admitted to having a "emotional relationship" with this person meaning he talks with her about us, his family and his life. But I think there is more...

Ok, here is how it started. He is a firefighter and works 24 hours at the firehouse at a time, then off for 48. He started working at a new firehouse about 3 years ago. Let's call her Maggie. Maggie was at this firehouse when he got there. She is around my age (which is 4 years younger than him). She is okay looking but nothing great. You wouldn't look at her and think OMG, she's beautiful or anything. She is divorced with 2 kids. She was dating another firefighter, got engaged and now it is over. So anyway, one day about 2 1/2 years ago...I was using my husband's phone and saw a bunch of text messages from this girl, Maggie. I made the comment...who is this and why is there all these messages???? He said just a friend from work. I said that I didn't like him texting some girl I didn't know. But he continued to text her. One day I went there and took our 2 kids with me. She was there but never came up to us to say hi or anything. I told my husband the next day that it was wierd that his "friend" never came over to say hi to me and his kids. In fact, she has NEVER made an effort to say hi or get to know me or them (our kids). My husband says that she is just shy around wives...that she feels more comfortable around men. So, I basically told him that I was not comfortable with him texting a girl who had no interest in getting to know me and that he could no longer text her....he agreed. Well, I got him a new phone not long after and when the phone was activited, I got a few texts from her on his new phone. So basically he was texting her anyway despite my feelings. He told me that he was just giving her advice and such about the guy she was engaged to. I plain out told him to CUT IT OUT!!! So since I wanted to make sure he did end the texting relationship...I would check his phone when he wasn't looking...but nothing was on there from her. Yay, I thought. But I still had a bad feeling. So I went on verizon's site and it tells you who you text and who texts you....come to find out he was STILL texting her and DELETING the messages off his phone so I wouldn't see them!!! I got pissed and confronted him. He admitted it (he had no choice since I had proof) but said he deleted him because he didn't want to make me worry....that they were just friends....that's it. I told him again to STOP, that him doing it behind my back was even worse. So, then one day I was in the car waiting for him while he was out running an errand and he left his phone. So I decided to check it again and there was a message from him to her saying "That hug I gave you did not give me any sexual pleasure at all. Just kidding!" There was no response from her. I blew up to say the least and once again confronted him. He said that he gave her a hug because her and her fiance broke up and she was upset and that the text was sent later to try to cheer her up. Anyway, we had a long conversation about how that was completely disrespectful to our marriage. He said that it was innocent flirting. That he enjoyed talking and flirting with someone because it made him feel good but that it NEVER went any further. Long story short....he changed firehouses and their friendship seemed to have ended. BUT then she moved to his new firehouse, but now works on the day AFTER his...which is better but now he sees her everyday he leaves. And I am paranoid that this friendship/relationship/affair will start back up. It is driving me crazy!!! Our relationship is GREAT except for this one issue....I feel like I can't trust him around her based upon his past actions. How do I move forward? Would you be worried if you were me? I am driving MYSELF crazy!!!!


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## ronin5573 (Jul 2, 2012)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

No your not crazy. Sounds like this all started innocent enough but as these conversation go on an emotional attachment happens. Sounds to me like she is trying for more then just talk with your husband. It doesnt seem to be a sexual affair at this point but dont think for a sec that an emotional affair is any less damaging. He probibly likes the attention that he gets but he needs to realize and realize it real quick that he doesnt get to do that when hes married. Your his wife and you have a problem with it then he needs to stop. He didnt. The best course is usually to just come out and tell him that you will not allow another women in your marriage. He needs to stop the crap now or you will have to take some pretty strong action even up to divorce. I would also call this women yourself and explain things to her. If she has any soul she will do what you ask and leave your husband alone. Im sorry you are going through this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

a few things

1) ask a mod to move this to the CWI section as you will get more responses from people who have been in similar situations
2) please read the newbie link in my signature
3) tell us what kind of phone he has as you need to dig to get the truth as it is obvious that you are not getting it from him, some phones you can retrieve deleted texts


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what kind of phone?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also go to staples or walmart or best buy and get a VAR (voice activated recorded) and then get some velcro at the hardware store and affix the recorder under his car seat. Affair partners will usually have their secret convos in their car


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## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

He has a DROID RAZR by motorola. I have been checking verizon occassionally....and there has been 1 text from her to him, so I checked his phone to read the message. She said "thanks for the advice but I got moved"....and he responded with a simple "your welcome". So it seemed to be work related. So far I haven't found anything else, but whenever he comes home late, my mind completely wonders to "Was he with her....". I also have to hide the fact that I check verizon and his phone because he immediately accuses me of "spying" on him. I told him that when your married, it is not spying, that it is my account also so I have every right to look at his usage especially when he is trying to hide something. Am I wrong for continuing to check? I hate doing it, but when I don't see her number, I feel better!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

frankly he should have no contact with her whatsoever and get a new job, but you do need to verify what they have done, it could be worse than what you have uncovered

this should help with the text recovery
Simcard data recovery software recover lost SMS restore text messages contacts

you can also install this on his phone
Motorola Droid Razr Maxx | Mobile Spy Chaps


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## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

Believe me, I agree. I am afraid to tell him I saw that message because I do not want him knowing that I am "checking" on him again. I want him to feel like everything is fine with us. Which it is except for this insecurity. I can even say with almost all honesty that I truly believe any relationship they did have is OVER but it is hard to get OVER what he did do, especially since I do not know truly what that was. I too, think he liked the attention from this girl and he liked having someone (other than his wife) to talk to...and it may have gotten physical....but it seems to have stopped. HOWEVER my insecurity and distrust has not stopped. I worry a lot about it. And every time I bring it up, HE gets mad that I am "throwing in his face again". I just wish she was out of our lives FOR GOOD. And since he has been at this job for 18 + years and our retirement/pension is all about this job....he can't quit. I am a SAHM, which I love but hate how I am financially dependent on him!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bump, cmon folks lets help her out


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

Don't tell him about the message or that you're still checking on him. He's created the environment of insecurity, and if that means you need to check on him for the next several months then so be it. If it ever gets questioned I think I would remind him of that. He's allowed this chick in and it threatens YOUR position in the relationship. You shouldn't have to compete with anyone, and you will not do it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Usually things are worse than they even appear. Your H is openly admitting to ENJOYING flirting with this woman. The only way this is going to stop is by implementing hard consequences. So far, you've just said stop it. That's not enough. You need to demand he send a "no contact" text to her, ending future communication. You need to tell him that if he breaks that communication, you will tell him he can leave.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Uh..yes I would be worried, paranoid, upset and more. I would say this was\is an EA. What do the phones records show since moving to the new firehouse? 
He has proven he really can't be trusted right now and has shown no real signs of stopping this contact, he is putting this girl ahead of you and your marriage. HE has to STOP all contact period or you have a serious problem on your hands. You may already have a serious problem I am sorry to say.

Check his email, check the phone records, use the VAR that almostrecovered mentioned. My wife during her A used the car A LOT to
talk with her AP, it is very common for them to do this, they feel safe there.

Can he move firehouses again?


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are here, and I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. To me, it sounds like a EA.

You need to implement consequences for his actions. Without the consequences, the ultimatums will have no affect. He will think that he can do this, and that he doesn't have to worry about what you are doing. 

Also, verify that the EA is over. Place a VAR under the seat of his car. Place a keylogger on his computer. As long as the EA is still active, then you can't R.

Again, I'm sorry that you are here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That wall of text was difficult to get thru, which is why I initially passed on the thread.

I was going to suggest he change firehouses, but then I read that he did. Now, it seems just more than a coincidence that she just so happened to change firehouses to the same one as him, albeit on opposite shifts. Of course, the optimum situation would be him changing back to the other firehouse.

However, as long as you keep up your surveillance and ensure there is NC as much as possible I think you should be okay. Sure, they may see each other at shift changeover, but I think the danger has been minimized. Why? Because of the fact that she's a woman in a firehouse full of men. She will soon have other men competing for her affection and she will latch on to some other man soon. That's how it works.


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## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

Thanks everyone. I couldn't agree more with each and everyone of you. I got so tired of hearing, "I am not doing anything wrong" and "why don't you trust me" and so on and so on. He would make me feel like I was mean and wrong for doubting him. And I still do which is the problem. How do I move forward. I will still continue to check...because I am not 100%...but how do I put what he did in the past and try to "forgive and forget"? It's been about a year and I still can't get over it....AND I still have nightmare's about her. But everytime I say to myself to just move on, try to trust and putit in the past.....I'll do good for a few weeks or months and then the pain of that time comes back and it feels like it just happened. Does this make any sense????


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

I think that a lot of help with healing has to come from your husband. The triggers will still come, but he has to first acknowledge he did wrong, and THEN make sure you know he's done with it and will never betray your trust again. His refusal to say, YEAH I messed up and I'm sorry, it won't happen again is keeping you from moving on. Not to mention she works with/or around him still. He's shown you that he has weak boundaries. He has to show you he's worked on strengthening them and will not disrespect your relationship in the future.


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## ronin5573 (Jul 2, 2012)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*



disneyparentsoftwo said:


> Thanks everyone. I couldn't agree more with each and everyone of you. I got so tired of hearing, "I am not doing anything wrong" and "why don't you trust me" and so on and so on. He would make me feel like I was mean and wrong for doubting him. And I still do which is the problem. How do I move forward. I will still continue to check...because I am not 100%...but how do I put what he did in the past and try to "forgive and forget"? It's been about a year and I still can't get over it....AND I still have nightmare's about her. But everytime I say to myself to just move on, try to trust and putit in the past.....I'll do good for a few weeks or months and then the pain of that time comes back and it feels like it just happened. Does this make any sense????


It makes totaly sence. The reason you cant let it go is because He hasnt made you feel secure. He wants you to let it go but it hard to do. He has to understand what he did and what it is doing to you. He has to make you feel that hes sorry and willing to make it up and that it will never happen again. Sorry to say he has to do that work, not you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

yup perfect sense, sounds as if you got gaslighted and you are building paranoia and resentment because you never got the truth


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## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

Thank you for your responses....You are all right. He admitted he was having an EA, once I pointed out everything he was doing and hiding. I think it is just as bad as a PA. And I am hurt. But I can go on with him if I am confident it's over and it never happens again. That is why I keep checking his phone...I also check his email but he has a work email that I do not have access to. Also, if he is going to have an affair and speak with her....it is going to be AT THE FIREHOUSE. The girls have seperate sleeping/bathroom space so they could EASILY have an affair with no one knowing....except you hear rumors all the time of it happening. It does make me feel better that yes, since she is in a firehouse full of men that hopefully she has her eyes on someone else by now...but the doubt creeps back in. MAINLY, I just want to move on, but I don't know how. How do I tell my head to stop focusing on this???


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'd also like to add that he needs to be educated on affairs, both Emotional Affairs and Physical Affairs. He needs to read books like "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr Shirley Glass, and he needs to own up to what he's done. He needs to be transparent, because he did cheat and was in a possible PA.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Wasn't she in a firehall full of other guys last time they connected? Not seeing how things are any better now.

It takes about 3 minutes to create a new email address. It takes about that long to download a smartphone app that allows you to text and call in ways that aren't seen on your cell phone bill. It takes a little bit longer than that to run into a convenience store and buy a throw-away phone that your spouse doesn't know about.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*

Exactly, how can I moved forward if I don't know exactly what all went on. But to be honest, I am not sure I would even believe him if he said the truth. Because he has admitted to flirting, to the EA, but he swears it stops there. I want to believe that but at the same time, I think the EA is just as bad or worse than a physical one. So, I do have to mentally accept what he has told me and decide if I can move forward. But it's so hard. Especially if I can't talk to him whenever my doubts/fears come back. Should I talk to him again and say that dispite trying to move forward, I am finding it difficult??? But what can he do to calm my fears??? I am not sure if there is even anything he could say to ease them. The only thing that would make me feel better is to have him MOVE firehouses again. Is it fair of me to ask him to do that again since she moved even though I haven't found any bad behavior for almost a year???


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Need advice on possible cheating and how to get over it*



> The only thing that would make me feel better is to have him MOVE firehouses again. Is it fair of me to ask him to do that again since she moved even though I haven't found any bad behavior for almost a year???


I've always thought that the WS (wayward spouse) should be willing to move heaven and earth to quell the fears and promote the security of the relationship with their spouse. After all, this was their doing. They need to undo it as best they can if they plan to work on their marriage.


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## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

What should I do then to make sure it is FOR SURE over?? The recording device in the car? To check his phone SIM card (I think that is what it is called)??? Will that show ALL ACTIVITY or can he delete that as well?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

verifying his actions through your owns means actually helps rebuild trust

BUT he needs to be transparent


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## disneyparentsoftwo (Aug 28, 2012)

I am even more frustrated!!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

disneyparentsoftwo said:


> What should I do then to make sure it is FOR SURE over?? The recording device in the car? To check his phone SIM card (I think that is what it is called)??? Will that show ALL ACTIVITY or can he delete that as well?


I wish I could fill you with warm fuzzies, but you can never be sure. The recording device will only catch calls made in his car, but I'd assume he has quite a bit of time sitting around the fire station. Plus they can likely be in touch there. Checking his phone will only turn up calls and texts made normally; he could be using Skype or any number of other apps to communicate, or a cheap prepaid phone that you know nothing about.

My point isn't to panic you, even if it seems that way. I have no idea if he's cheating on you or not. My point is to let you know that there's any number of ways for him to get around whatever surveillance you might attempt. So don't get complacent just because you know his email password.

What are you two doing to repair the damage in your relationship? What are you doing to fix the problems that existed before his affair?

C


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

disneyparentsoftwo said:


> I am even more frustrated!!!


I completely understand and know that I would feel the same as you. 
I would have to be honest and say to him that 'I am not ok with the situation, believe it has damaged our marriage, and can't move on without some heavy input from him'.

Would he read Not Just Friends??


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Have you suggested MC(marriage counseling) for you two, you could also benefit from IC (Individual counseling). You should have good insurance that would probably pay for 6-10 sessions.

He needs to REALLY understand this is a BIG deal and that you are hurting because of this. That he violated your trust and your marriage.

He admitted to an EA great, now he should follow up with transparency, telling you everything and doing anything YOU need to help heal including counseling.

He should NOT be getting mad because you have trust issues!


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