# I love you... I hate you



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Last week my STBXH said:

I love you
I want to mend our marriage
I'm sorry and ashamed for everything I've done
I never meant to hurt you
I'm hoping we have another chance
I want it to work
yaya.. yada..

Yesterday its:
What relationship?
I have nothing to say to you
Leave me alone

This is a pattern that has been going on for 1.5 yrs now. I set boundaries he walks all over them, I cut contact, he crawls back and say the sweet words. He violates my boundaries yet again, I cut contact and file papers. He begs for forgiveness... then a few days later I'm the worst life form on the planet and cause for his life going down the toilet.

Yesterday he doesn't call our son. I texted him and asked him where he was. No answer. One of my boundaries was no contact with the (supposedly ex) OW.

What the heck? Why do they do this?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Because we let them.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My STBXH is an expert at "trickle truth". He confesses but I later find out its not the whole story.

He's also great at omissions. Example: If you continue to have any type of relationship with so-an-so (one of his EA's) I will not have any relationship with you. A few months down the road I find out he's having a relationship with so-an-so's friend! I confront him and he said "well I never said I didn't".

An expert liar!!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I think you should be focusing on why you even care about a POS like him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The simple answer is they do it because they can.

Stop focusing on him and focus on *you*.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

That's a good question and I always come back to he's the father of my child and I want to have some sort of working relationship with him, instead of hate, war and court battles.

Its hard to have even that sort of relationship, he's so messed up and does so many deceitful things that hurt me and my son.

I 180 him and he comes over to pick up our son, saying how nice I look, can he take me to dinner, want to go see a movie. How was my day, then proceeds to tell me all about his day, work, feelings. I don't want to hear it.

What I really wish would happen is he would disappear out of my life, go do his own thing BUT not involve our son in his romantic dramas with baby mamas. Our son is upset when the STBXH drags him along to the girlfriends and they play happy families. He comes home upset, he has not even adjusted to mom and dad living apart yet, let alone divorce filings and daddy's multiple new girlfriends and new babies.

Its so sick.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You want to control him, not going to happen and until you give up that delusion up, you're going to keep feeling this way.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

06Daddio08 said:


> You want to control him, not going to happen and until you give up that delusion up, you're going to keep feeling this way.


No I want to control how much my son is hurt/damaged and ashamed of his father's increasingly self-destructive actions. What my ex does with his life if his business I don't give a damn. I just want my son left out of his dramas.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to protect my little boy, who is also autistic and has anxiety issues. My son has enough on his plate he doesn't need to be dragged down with my ex.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You don't need to let him cross your personal boundaries for hi to be involved and active in his kids life.

You need to be strong in your convictions. He is no good for you and no matter if he is Dad of the year, you don't have to have him in your life in any sense over thanas a Dad to his son.

That would be no small talk, no date nights etc. Don't respond to his compliments. Detach detach detach.

he can only trample your boundaries if you let him. Draw a line in the sand he can walk straight past it. if that is the approach he takes, the line needs to have the great wall of china built along it.

This is why people tell us to work on ourselves. We need to set the boundary but then enforce it when they try to break it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> No I want to control how much my son is hurt/damaged and ashamed of his father's increasingly self-destructive actions. What my ex does with his life if his business I don't give a damn. I just want my son left out of his dramas.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with wanting to protect my little boy, who is also autistic and has anxiety issues. My son has enough on his plate he doesn't need to be dragged down with my ex.


If he is going to be in your son's life how can you control what happens?


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> If he is going to be in your son's life how can you control what happens?


That is the $64,000 question. Once they are out of your sight, you can't really control what they do. You can try to limit it by setting those boundaries, but apparently your STBXH is overstepping them. 

Ah yes ... I know all about 'trickle truth' and omissions.

Me: I asked you to stop texting your female co-worker.
Him: I don't text her late at night anymore! duh ....


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

To amplify what others have said.....a boundary is not a boundary if you repeatedly let someone cross it without consequences. In this case, as painful as it is, the consequence should be "If you cross the boundary it's over, for ever". 

By allowing him back in you are allowing him to cross your boundaries time and time again with impunity. Your boundaries are therefore meaningless to him - he knows he can cross them as often as he likes and just worm his way back into your affection. 

Sorry if that sounds harsh.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

But 100% accurate.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Today should be interesting. We have our mandatory child custody mediation orientation session, with the actual mediation next Friday.

I have a pile of intake forms. There's areas on here for domestic violence issues. Oh dear... yes there has been DV in the past. They also want to know if either parent has mental illness issues. Yes to that tpp, he has been under the care of a shrink.

I gave him opportunities to settle these issues between us without court involvement. I had an attorney draft up a marital settlement agreement, gave it to him 2 mths ago, he has ignored it.

If I fill this out truthfully he is going to go ballistic. When you've been terrorized and manipulated by someone like my ex for so many years, that is something you dread.

Not lookling forward to this process, but then again - I am. I want this marriage over.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

How did it go, Broken?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Document everything, BBT. What you do and say, how he responds, what your son tells you. With his background of DV and mental issues, you may need that info someday.

And for the sake of your own sanity, and to get you out of the cycle of emotional/physical abuse (and the push/pull is emotional manipulation if not outright abuse), everyone is right in that you MUST detach. I was in a similar situation with someone who knew just how to push my buttons and I, too, wanted to have a good relationship for my son. But eventually, the only thing I could do was what everyone here urged me to do: DETACH and stop giving him power by letting him cross my boundaries.

Amazingly, it also got him to leave me alone. He is feeding off of you. Once you stop letting him, he'll go elsewhere.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

OMG it was horrible. Watching the STB ex CHARM the mediator, bailiffs, laughing and joking with them like he's having the time of his life...

In the orientation he was doing the same.

Outside the courthouse he started to raise his voice at me and do the usual intimidation techniques. I think its all about power and control, not the welfare of our son.

Afterwards I went to see a women's advocacy group. WOW.. they are going to help me with further court paperwork AND one of their attorneys is going to come with me to mediation next week. She is also going to draft my mediation intake paperwork "for the best effect" in convincing the mediator I should have primary custody and he has visitation rights. They were amazing. I got there and broke down in tears due to stress and the fact that quite frankly I'm frightened of losing even 50% custody of my son to this crazy man. 

I mentioned to him I was going to disclose the DV history and he went off his rocker. Then he denied it ever happened...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

When Ex and I were first starting the divorce process, we were set on doing mediation to save money. We thought 'We're two intelligent people, we can figure out what's fair and keep the lawyers out of things and keep it from getting adversarial.' Yeah, right. It wasn't working and he was trying to manipulate things before we even made our first appointment. I talked to the head of the mediation clinic at our University Law School, who happens to be the father of someone DS was going to school with at the time. He was very frank with me that studies show that mediation does not work for women in abusive relationships. That it is not a level playing field due to the manipulation the husband is able to exert even in the mediation sessions. The woman, usually already in a position of feeling less than equal, comes out with a worse settlement than if she got a lawyer or some type of advocate. 

So, I'm glad you are getting help from this group. They will know the tricks that abusers use and will also know how to short-circuit them legally. Good for you -- this is taking care of yourself. 

And you are right -- with abusers, it is ALL about control. Period. Can this group also steer you to a support group for women who are getting out of abusive relationships? I'm on my way to mine right now, as a matter of fact. I've been going for over a year and a half. It has helped me tremendously. It focuses on learning new skills and being able to handle things in a different way. Even if the group you find doesn't do that, sometimes it just helps to be able to share with other women who understand what you've been through, and you can all help each other get stronger and move on.


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