# Advice for Nonexistent Sex Life?



## Elr0113 (May 5, 2019)

Hi everyone. 

My husband and I are both early-mid twenties. We have been together for over 6 years and have a little one on the way soon. This is not a problem that has been present only during the pregnancy though, I just thought it was worth mentioning. 

This is something that has probably started in our second year, so it’s been about 4 years of this. It is seeming to get worse and may stem from my lack of self-esteem but I’m not sure. So I’m hoping for some outside perspective. 

Sex, for me, is definitely more of a chore or “peace-inducing.” I rarely want it (with him, at least). He is my second partner in my life. I am his first. I masturbate regularly, and I’m sure he does too. Porn is not cheating in our relationship, as we both use it and sometimes together. I have never orgasmed with a man. I know this is due to me not feeling comfortable sexually and my husband not even trying. I do on my own though pretty easily. 

That being said, sex for me now, although can be enjoyable, mostly leaves me wanting. Penetration lasts probably a minute or less, and there is no foreplay. He never touches me, or caresses me, or kisses me to get me in the mood. He simply says something like, “Can you rub my wiener?” Which is like, the most unattractive thing to say and will never, ever put me in the mood. I’ve told him that I’d like some foreplay, or for him to act like we are actually lovers, but his response is always to blame me and say “It’s two sided.” I understand, but it was always me and I’ve gotten tired of it. His idea of starting sex is literally asking for it. “Can we do it?” So, this has caused me to not really want to do anything with him. It’s always me performing and him fumbling around down there, not really knowing what he is doing. I could count on one hand the amount of times I was actually satisfied over the years. 

I’m just at wits end here. No matter how many times I bring it up, the blame is set again towards me. I try to have constructive dialog with him about it, but he gets impatient and I just lose all train of thought. I don’t know what to say anymore, or do anymore. I don’t want to have sex if he verbally asks me like some child. I want to feel something again, like you do the first year or two. Am I just worsening it by refusing to when he asks like that, or is he wrong here?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

In my view, you are both at the same point of intransigence on the matter. He thinks it is your fault and you think it is his fault. You both need to move from that position. 
I don't know much about porn but from what I have read, it causes some issues that may be difficult to resolve. Why not try to make your own porn then watch it together and do a critique of how you could have done it better? Would that be easier to point out whatever is lacking. 

For me I would not survive as long as you have with a one minute session each time. Minimum about 8 or so minutes, for orgasm and that is with other activities going on and not just penetration. 
But if he learnt all he knows from porn and not from discussion and trial and error, then he may not know a lot. Surely you are both unique individual and need to teach each other what you like. 

Foreplay is learnt and cannot just be expected from someone who has never participated in it. Have you taught him how you would like foreplay done and what you would like to do to him during foreplay. 

It was 4 years before we found out there was such a thing as oral sex. It was from a book I ordered and read, then I asked if there was anything in the book we had never done and of all the things we had not done, some were too grossing to try, but oral seemed interesting so we tried and found out that it was better one at a time than at the same time.

But both have to try out things. I don't always orgasm with penetration but I still love it with him. Do you think the one minute is from the fact that when he is solo he always does it fast? I read that that is the main cause of poor control in men. 

If he always blames you, why not ask him to teach you things one at a time and allow him to teach you foreplay and ask him questions like What about this or that. I really like this or that and show him as he is teaching you.


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## Elr0113 (May 5, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> In my view, you are both at the same point of intransigence on the matter. He thinks it is your fault and you think it is his fault. You both need to move from that position.
> I don't know much about porn but from what I have read, it causes some issues that may be difficult to resolve. Why not try to make your own porn then watch it together and do a critique of how you could have done it better? Would that be easier to point out whatever is lacking.
> 
> For me I would not survive as long as you have with a one minute session each time. Minimum about 8 or so minutes, for orgasm and that is with other activities going on and not just penetration.
> ...


Thank you for the reply and the honesty. 

We have definitely talked and shown each other what we like and how we like it done. There is no way on earth either of us expect the other to know what we like. But sex just seems to be more geared towards his pleasure. Most of the time it starts with a blowjob or handjob then a 30 second quickie. I do a lot of oral on him, and experimented with what he likes. He likes some anal play on him, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Most of the time, when he asks for it, I do it though. He had always wanted to try anal with me as well, and we have done it once but it was very painful. As for oral on me, we have done it once, but it’s my fault we haven’t continued it. I told him I felt gross and I wasn’t comfortable with it. 

And he always does it fast, masturbation included. I think he just sees the end in sight and goes for that instead of enjoying the process.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It may help to show him some videos of partners having sensual sex in the manner you would enjoy and ask him if he can be more like the video. Approach it with kindness and compassion. Explain to him that the way things are going is leaving you unsatisfied and you're worried about the future. Tell him that if he could be more sensual, it would greatly help you feel closer to him. 

Perhaps start with sensual massages. Again, find some videos which demonstrate what you would like done. Hopefully he can focus on giving you a pleasurable massage knowing that he will get his reward at some point. 

The book "The Joy of Sex" can also be a good reference. The illustrations are a little dated, but the content is good for a couple learning ways to enjoy sex in a more organic way.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Elr0113 said:


> I have never orgasmed with a man. I know this is due to me not feeling comfortable sexually and my husband not even trying. I do on my own though pretty easily.
> 
> That being said, sex for me now, although can be enjoyable, mostly leaves me wanting. Penetration lasts probably a minute or less, and there is no foreplay.


 @Elr0113 I have read a great detail about women in your situation and there is no easy solution. One thing that does seem to create a breakthrough in most relationships is the idea of being comfortable enough to masturbate in front of your spouse. 

Perhaps as a way to induce foreplay would be to ask him if he wants to see you orgasm, and then demonstrate what that looks like to him (if you are able). That should create an awakening on his behalf as in, "this is what I have been missing!" Hopefully it will make him curious enough to begin a discussion and get his attention as to ways to make improvements. 

Many women here generally talk about taking charge of their own orgasms as opposed to getting upset with a spouse, and that generally marks a turning point in which things start to greatly improve. Yes it would be nice to have a partner that cares enough to do that for you, but as you mentioned you have never orgasmed with a man, so odds are your husband has yet to see the light so to speak so that he knows in which direction to fly to be with you.

As for making him last longer, insist that he orgasm immediately upon penetration!!! That will give him performance anxiety as orgasms do not like to be controlled. His mind and penis will defy your instructions and potentially become anorgasmic. Then if he gets a bad case of performance anxiety, that is a better problem to solve compared to him finishing too soon. Although I admit this may be bad advice, but generally speaking sexually does not play by the rules at if forces us to all seek a path of self development. You might need to break it a little what trying to fix it!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

If he's mid twenties and after 6 years, doesn't have the hang of it, throw in the towel. Many medical doctors do less time in residency. Have you explained to him what caused the pregnancy?
Seriously, if you/he want to last longer, get him a prescription of paxil.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
Overall do you think he wants to please you and just isn't very good at it, or do you think he doesn't care. The first can probably fixed, the second probably no.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-M...marriage+book&qid=1557137125&s=gateway&sr=8-3


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Elr0113 said:


> Sex, for me, is definitely more of a chore or “peace-inducing.” I rarely want it (with him, at least).



Who would you want it with? Ideally?



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Elr0113 said:


> Thank you for the reply and the honesty.
> 
> We have definitely talked and shown each other what we like and how we like it done. There is no way on earth either of us expect the other to know what we like. But sex just seems to be more geared towards his pleasure. Most of the time it starts with a blowjob or handjob then a 30 second quickie. I do a lot of oral on him, and experimented with what he likes. He likes some anal play on him, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Most of the time, when he asks for it, I do it though. He had always wanted to try anal with me as well, and we have done it once but it was very painful. As for oral on me, we have done it once, but it’s my fault we haven’t continued it. I told him I felt gross and I wasn’t comfortable with it.
> 
> And he always does it fast, masturbation included. I think he just sees the end in sight and goes for that instead of enjoying the process.



Sounds like he needs to learn how to make it more enjoyable for you. Are you both young? I’m sure he will get better at it with age...
Before you do more ‘advanced’ stuff (like anal) he needs to learn how to do oral and intercourse properly first...He needs to take LOTS of time and do everything slowly and increase gradually. And you have to tell him that, even if it might be offputting to talk about it...Basically if he continuous to be rubbish at sex, all that’s going to happen is that he will find himself without it. And you will find someone who is much better at it...He should know this. Fear is a great incentive to get your tongue spinning...

If everything fails, you could always pay a MILF sex therapist to come around to your house and show both of you the ‘ropes’ of how it is done properly... I have seen ‘documentaries’ about this....Good luck



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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

InMyPrime said:


> Sounds like he needs to learn how to make it more enjoyable for you. Are you both young? *I’m sure he will get better at it with age*...



OP given your husband's attitude, there is NO REASON AT ALL to think this. If you can't get him to the table, this will not improve with "time".


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> OP given your husband's attitude, there is NO REASON AT ALL to think this. If you can't get him to the table, this will not improve with "time".




Oh yes there yes. I was at one time pretty **** at it. And with experience, I turned into Mr McLovin Superhero , after I acquired the ability to make wimminz cum by just looking at them! 











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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

InMyPrime said:


> Oh yes there yes.


You went from foreplay being “Can you rub my wiener?” and having a problem with communication on that topic to being a stud muffin? INteresting.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Also, don’t forget that with age, your body will also get more comfortable and learn what it likes. Young women often blame their partners (not you) for not being able to come (sometimes justifiably so) without having learnt what it is their body likes and refusing to communicate it to their partner (again, not you) because they find it a huge turn off and expect guys to read their mind. 
Now let’s see how many guys are going to comment how if it was them, they would make you come in 35 seconds instead of 30 


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> You went from foreplay being “Can you rub my wiener?” and having a problem with communication on that topic to being a stud muffin? INteresting.



Well, he obviously doesn’t have an issue with communication 


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

InMyPrime said:


> Also, don’t forget that with age, your body will also get more comfortable and learn what it likes.



Did you read the original post? At all?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Did you read the original post? At all?



Yes. And I prefer to give people hope instead of calling anyone who is unable to make a woman cum in 30 seconds a basket case...
Are you telling me that your husband hasn’t changed in all the time you have been married together and was always an impeccable lover and understood all the ins and outs and ins, of your body?

I met my wife when we were about 16 and just to put things into perspective, I don’t think she was that keen on kissing and probably found it gross, not to mention my wiener....I, on the other hand (pardon the pun), would cum by just thinking about her. 30 seconds of love making...it often didn’t even come to that as I frequently exploded (romantically) before she could even touch me...

She now comes regularly not just from PIV but anal too (handsfree! Yes, every time that happens I award myself a medal and hang it on the wall because I’m vein like that....). 

People change. Don’t give up too soon. Also we still haven’t heard who it is she would rather have sex with...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Elr0113 said:


> Thank you for the reply and the honesty.
> 
> We have definitely talked and shown each other what we like and how we like it done. There is no way on earth either of us expect the other to know what we like. But sex just seems to be more geared towards his pleasure. Most of the time it starts with a blowjob or handjob then a 30 second quickie. I do a lot of oral on him, and experimented with what he likes. He likes some anal play on him, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Most of the time, when he asks for it, I do it though. He had always wanted to try anal with me as well, and we have done it once but it was very painful. *As for oral on me, we have done it once, but it’s my fault we haven’t continued it. I told him I felt gross and I wasn’t comfortable with it. *
> 
> And he always does it fast, masturbation included. I think he just sees the end in sight and goes for that instead of enjoying the process.


Well look at yourself and what may be causing your hang ups. That's all you can really do, you know.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

The leading predictor of an awesome and improving sex life is in the mind and the heart. I think we would all agree that can you rub my wiener is a lady boner killer. Don't let this go until it also is your soul killer.

The thing that concerns me is that upon voicing your desire for foreplay, he flipped it back as two sided. It is hardly possible to be more one sided than rub wiener (that makes me shudder), have him insert penis in your vagina for 2 minutes and done. But you say you want to feel something as with in the first year or so. And that it had not always been like this. Was the difference new love for you, where the sex was really pretty much this way? Or was HE different?

The reason I ask, is that if sex was this way before, he may not know any better. If you seemed to like it then because you were all hopped up on love hormones and seem to acquiesce now, he may not have gotten the dope slap he needs to realize this aint cutting it. If it did not used to be this way, maybe he has gotten complacent. In any event, a lot of people get super defenisve when their sexual prowess is challenged. So frontal approach may not be the best.

It is hard to know where he is coming from. And it sounds like he doesn't want to share where he is coming from since he "the blame is set again towards me" when you try to discuss. The thing is to get to the movtivation, if you can. Then you can try and figure if you are dealing with a selfish prick or someone who just does not know any better. 

But whatever you do, don't think that

- time will fix this as if by some magic
- denying as a means of punishing him will help --- by all means include not having sex that does not work for you. But attempting to punish him into compliance with refusal will only build resentment. Make sure you communicate the difference. It is YOUR body, not his toy.
- you will not die inside if you don't do something.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, Change yourself, change your attitude toward things.
You keep focusing on him and things will not get better.
"Sex is a chore" "I rarely want it...with him" "I don't like oral on me"
You cannot change him. 
You are the only thing you can do anything about.
Look in the mirror and decide to fix yourself.
If things get better, great. If they don't you've done what you can.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Elr0113 said:


> Thank you for the reply and the honesty.
> 
> We have definitely talked and shown each other what we like and how we like it done. There is no way on earth either of us expect the other to know what we like. But sex just seems to be more geared towards his pleasure. Most of the time it starts with a blowjob or handjob then a 30 second quickie. I do a lot of oral on him, and experimented with what he likes. He likes some anal play on him, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Most of the time, when he asks for it, I do it though. He had always wanted to try anal with me as well, and we have done it once but it was very painful. As for oral on me, we have done it once, but it’s my fault we haven’t continued it. I told him I felt gross and I wasn’t comfortable with it.
> 
> And he always does it fast, masturbation included. I think he just sees the end in sight and goes for that instead of enjoying the process.


 There is NOTHING "hang ups" about liking what you like. I am trying to imagine going in cold, no kissing or touching to giving DH and a BJ, playing with his butt and him doing anal. Just NO. I LIKE anal. But I sure would not like that!

Any chance he would go for sex counseling?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> OP, Change yourself, change your attitude toward things.
> You keep focusing on him and things will not get better.
> "Sex is a chore" "I rarely want it...with him" "I don't like oral on me"
> You cannot change him.
> ...


What would you suggest, specifically, she change? Cuz I am having a really hard time imagining what that advice would look like.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> StillSearching said:
> 
> 
> > OP, Change yourself, change your attitude toward things.
> ...


Me too. I mean really. I get that it's always the womans fault, but good grief.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Me too. I mean really. I get that it's always the womans fault, but good grief.


She can't do anything but change herself.
All her efforts to change him will fail.
If you don't like your view of the world, change your prospective.
Keep telling her how her man is an issue, how she can change him...good luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Me too. I mean really. I get that it's always the womans fault, but good grief.
> ...


 Exclude I haven't actually given any advice. I was just speaking to the fact that she does actually have some legitimate complaints. I'd also be intrested to know if all the sexless threads started by men are approach to the same way. I doubt it


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look, when it comes to sex your husband is uneducated and ignorant. And, porn is not helping to educate him. You are his first and only therefore you are his teacher. Get better at teaching which includes books, articles, instructional videos and lots of patience. He will not get better on his own as you have learned. And, you didn't come with an instruction manual.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Exclude I haven't actually given any advice. I was just speaking to the fact that she does actually have some *legitimate complaints*. I'd also be intrested to know if all the sexless threads started by men are approach to the same way. I doubt it


I agree.
That's not the point.
She wants help. I'm not into massaging egos. But I do know how to help her.
"if all the sexless threads started by men are approach to the same way. I doubt it".....so yeah...I'd tell them to fix what they can. Themselves.
And if they are mentally together...leave.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Look, when it comes to sex your husband is uneducated and ignorant. And, porn is not helping to educate him. You are his first and only therefore you are his teacher. Get better at teaching which includes books, articles, instructional videos and lots of patience. He will not get better on his own as you have learned. And, you didn't come with an instruction manual.


Other thoughts would include:

- Want to be kissed - kiss him. Direct his hands. Touch him. Not his penis, but his shoulders, neck, back....

- Let him watch you masturbate.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> I agree.
> That's not the point.
> She wants help. I'm not into massaging egos. But I do know how to help her.
> "if all the sexless threads started by men are approach to the same way. I doubt it".....so yeah...I'd tell them to fix what they can. Themselves.
> And if they are mentally together...leave.


It would be REALLY helpful if you could help the OP identify WHAT she could change.... I mean aside from just getting down with anal dry.  You may well have important insight for her.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think I'll peruse some of the men's sexless threads so that I can glean all of the wonderful advice about what men should change to help the OP lol


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

One other thought. Be careful about language. Saying oral is gross is very pejorative. Dude's egos are FRAGILE.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I think I'll peruse some of the men's sexless threads so that I can glean all of the wonderful advice about what men should change to help the OP lol


Look for one that starts like this...."Sex, for me, is definitely more of a chore"
That's a good place to start.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> Look for one that starts like this...."Sex, for me, is definitely more of a chore"
> That's a good place to start.


If I were in her shoes, sex WOULD be a chore. What does she do with that? What is it you think she can change? It's not like she is telling her husband that!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> One other thought. Be careful about language. Saying oral is gross is very pejorative. Dude's egos are FRAGILE.



Definitely. Most of the universe revolves around our ****s unfortunately. Einstein proved it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> If I were in her shoes, sex WOULD be a chore. What does she do with that? What is it you think she can change? It's not like she is telling her husband that!


The universal thought is this:

Sex good. man need sex. Woman give sex. Woman no complain.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Elr0113 said:


> Thank you for the reply and the honesty.
> 
> We have definitely talked and shown each other what we like and how we like it done. There is no way on earth either of us expect the other to know what we like. But sex just seems to be more geared towards his pleasure. Most of the time it starts with a blowjob or handjob then a 30 second quickie. I do a lot of oral on him, and experimented with what he likes. He likes some anal play on him, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Most of the time, when he asks for it, I do it though. He had always wanted to try anal with me as well, and we have done it once but it was very painful. As for oral on me, we have done it once, but it’s my fault we haven’t continued it. I told him I felt gross and I wasn’t comfortable with it.
> 
> And he always does it fast, masturbation included. I think he just sees the end in sight and goes for that instead of enjoying the process.


What would his reaction be if you told him YOU wanted your orgasms FIRST and THEN he could take care of his business? Maybe just change up the order and then when you have had yours, him taking only a few minutes probably won't bother you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I don’t think it’s a matter of either of you guys being right or wrong; it just seems to me like you guys are on different pages when it comes to sex, and you need to be on the same page. You’ve said that you’ve tried talking to him, and that he blames you, and talking just doesn’t seem to work. Have you thought about couple’s counselling? Going to talk to a neutral third party can be a really big help when nothing else seems to work. 

I’ve been where you are, minus the child on the way, and can tell you that if you can’t fix it between yourselves at this point, it won’t bet resolved. Things will probably get worse before they get better, and since you have a baby on the way, I really don’t want to see you take the divorce steps that I took in my previous marriage. Granted, we had way more problems than just sex, but sex was a big player in it. Get to a sex therapist, and get the help that you guys need to get back on track.

ETA: Was he a virgin when you guys got married?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

InMyPrime said:


> *Are you telling me that your husband hasn’t changed in all the time you have been married together* and was always an impeccable lover and understood all the ins and outs and ins, of your body?


I was with mine for about 5 years, and while hiss kissing got a little better with lots and lots of practice and reiterating what I liked, his sexual performance improved very little, despite my trying to communicate with him. In the end, it all comes down to communication and how open they are to trying new/different ways of doing things in the bedroom. My XH was closed-minded in this regard. He had multiple high-ranking degrees, thought he was “perfect”, and couldn’t possibly ever be in the wrong, so my suggestions weren’t even considered much of the time because he thought he was doing things correctly and I should be happy with the way they were. I actually wonder sometimes if he figured out a physics equation for sex, and just followed the results he got from that.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Elr0113 said:


> Hi everyone.
> -Snip-
> Sex, for me, is definitely more of a chore or “peace-inducing.” I rarely want it (with him, at least). -snip- I have never orgasmed with a man. -snip- I could count on one hand the amount of times I was actually satisfied over the years.
> -snip-





Elr0113 said:


> -snip- I told him I felt gross and I wasn’t comfortable with it. -snip-





NobodySpecial said:


> -snip- Dude's egos are FRAGILE.


I agree with Nobody Special There is no way my Ego is willing to take that on. 

I also agree with Elr0113 that her partner isn't even trying. He could do better. But could he do "good enough"? I'm not sure. There is no evidence that any man can.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

@Elr113 - I don't know how to say this. Take what advice you get and filter it for what works for you in an internet forum.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> One other thought. Be careful about language. Saying oral is gross is very pejorative. Dude's egos are FRAGILE.


I only half agree with this. 

Sex exists on multiple levels. It's a physical need but it's also a really important emotional connection. The balance between those is probably different for different people, but as one who saved myself for marriage, the emotional part is a big deal. There's love, there's lust, and the most amazing experiences are when the two come together.

I personally have no illusions about being anything special in bed. By definition of what average is, half of us guys must be below average. But it matters to me that the experience is special, even if I am never going to be a porn star. And when the relationship is firing, that's doable.

When you have difficult times sexually it's natural to shut down your feelings to stop from getting hurt, but that shuts down the emotional side of sex more than it shuts down meeting the physical need. If the point of the act is emotional connection through mutual, intense, shared pleasure, and the other person is not enjoying it, then on an emotional level the act becomes pointless. Worse, you still have the physical need, and meeting that need in such a context can feel incomplete or even wrong. It then spills over into everything else, and the whole relationship can suffer, even to the point of divorce.

I don't think that's ego.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I used to be like your husband.
I am a different beast now BUT I had an awakening moment that altered my life and how i connect with masculinity.

Sex used to be very robotic, unconnected, and unwet.

Your problem is that you cannot create this awakening moment in someone else. He may never awaken... I would recommend asking him to stop porn at the minimum so that sexual energy gets transfered to your instead of the monitor


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