# How do you know when it's time to move on?



## lostnturmoil (Feb 11, 2013)

Married: 16 yrs
Children: 2 (11, 13)

Husband had 3 month EA with PA aspects (kissing) while deployed. Immediately upon his return home, I knew something was wrong. I spent the better part of his first week home observing his bizarre behavior. Found him on his email one evening in the living room. He didn’t even know I was there. I walked right up behind him and saw friendly words between him and some woman with a foreign name. (In retrospect, I should have remained calm and continued reading over his shoulder; however, some hysterical person inside me took over and I became a weepy sap). First confrontation was horrible. I believed every lie he told me. She’s just a friend…I’m not happy…I need time to think about what I want. I listen to my husband say the most idiotic things to ever come out of his mouth while knowing full well, in my gut, something was off. However, no matter what my gut was feeling, my heart wanted to believe this wasn’t really happening so, I accepted his ridiculous answers. 

Second showdown happened two days later when I uncovered his skype records and called her. Blew the whole A wide opened. All of a sudden he knows what he wants, it’s me. He says he will do anything to keep me. He wants to recommit his life to me--that he didn’t realize what he had until he was about to lose it all. It was somewhere around 3am when I had discovered his skype records and began packing a suitcase for my children and me. He said this was his wake up call. He immediately ceased all contact with her. DDay was in June 2012 with a steady stream of trickle truth along the way. WS was very reluctant to divulge all information regarding his A at first. He said he felt disgusted, embarrassed, and didn’t want to hurt me anymore. I had access to all his accounts so; I changed his email password so only I had access and started emailing the OW pretending to be my WS—while at the same time emailing her from my account acting as if nothing was wrong. She bought it. 

I did this for about three months. Yes, she’s an idiot and yes, I’m that evil. This is where I discovered the PA of the A. She was upset it didn’t go further and wanted to know why my WS didn’t desire her in that manner. She’s 28, we’re both 35 by the way; however, she has the mentality of a 15 yr old. I’m not kidding; it’s extremely hard to communicate with her and it’s not the language barrier either. I have to make a concentrated effort and it leaves me exhausted. She believes she is a fairytale princess and her white knight, my WS, has come to rescue and sweep her off her feet. A couple months back I sent her a friends request on FB. (I had been avoiding this as I didn’t think I could handle the image I had built up in my head of this woman. I figured since she was as entertaining as a road post, she must be beautiful. She had to be what else was there). I couldn’t believe what I saw. The theory affair down took on a whole new meaning. Maybe affair all the way to the bottom is more appropriate in this case. This lasted about two days before I removed and blocked her from my page. I felt nothing looking at her. No hate, no envy, nothing. It was at this moment that I reconciled to the fact that if my husband wanted to leave me for this woman, then I’d be just fine. 

Husband is very remorseful does all the heavy lifting. Has been completely transparent and we go to MC every week, at his request. He feels utterly disgusted, ashamed, and embarrassed of his behavior, and can’t believe he had anything ever to do with the OW. He goes out of his way to show me his love and that he’s committed to me and our children. When I was emailing the OW pretending to be my WS, I also emailed my WS at his work account (where I don’t have access), pretending to be OW (shhh…I hacked her account) to see what he would say. He never responded and immediately called me whenever he received an email. So why am I writing? With all that’s transpired over the last eight months, I feel exasperated. Lately, I think about leaving more and more. Why? In the beginning I was strong. Strong in the since that I knew rebuilding our marriage was going to be hard work, and I was all in. I felt well prepared in my heart and mind. Why now do I doubt? Are these normal feelings when going through R, is this a phase that will pass, or am I beginning to pull away from my marriage? I sometimes find myself looking at my husband and asking myself, who is this man? I don’t understand why he chose this woman. 

The totality of their A is beyond my understanding. They both lied to each other about whom and what they were. She’s a crazy, driven psycho “princess” on a man hunt for her prince…with a long line of potential princes that have dumped her. She has many skeletons in her closet that WS was completely unaware of. And, WS was a married man with children. He eventually told her he was married. He said he thought she’d back off, but instead in made her even more determined. Why did my husband leave it to her to walk away and make the right choice? Was his moral compass broke? He said he knew he never wanted to be with her, then why did he tell her he did? He said he couldn’t wait to come home so she would leave him alone, then why did he contact her nonstop upon his return home? He said he never loved her and when he said the words to her he immediately knew he didn’t, then why say them? He said he thought her personality definitely had red flags, then why spend so much time with her and encouraging her? He said he didn’t know how to let her go. He said he told her whatever she wanted to hear and he felt he was in over his head. Why did he speak so poorly of me to her, what did I do? Was I the enemy simply because I was married to him during his A and he felt guilty, or was it the fact that he couldn’t openly date her being that he was married? Why am I spending so much of my time and life trying to understand this and accept it? Some days I just want to say “F” it--who cares, take the kids and walk away. Why don’t I do this, because I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do? I keep hoping my emotions will even out while in R. However, I don’t want to fritter years of my life reliving this day after day. I feel as though I merely existing, not living.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hey, intellegence gathering is what it is. I find no fault in what you did to get the information you needed. I am glad to hear that your husband never contacted the "OW" when you emailed him and that he called you immediately. THAT is a good sign.

What troubles me is that the questions you are asking in your last paragraph are things that you really need to be asking in MC. He seems like he's genuinely remorseful and from what you write he is following NC and trying his best to reconcile.

Take those questions you have and write them down and bring them to your next MC. 

Why did he "all of a sudden" turn around and recommit to you? Well, my wife had a 5 year long PA and the night I caught her, she did the same thing. That was almost a year ago. She has answered every question I have because I ASKED! You need to ask your questions and not be afraid of what you're going to hear.

This ain't easy stuff. I still have off days, too. This infidelity sh-t takes a while to work through, but if you're both committed to working it out, then time doesn't matter. I promise you will not be re-living this day after day forever. It does subside.


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## NotSo (Jul 23, 2012)

"How do you know when it's time to move on?" 
I knew when I saw there was 1) NO end to the Lies 2) There is no sign of remorse - just wants to "forget and move on" 3) Refuse MC 

That was it for me - Told her last week I met with attorney, filed, and I'm ready to move on. 

NOW, she wants to talk about things???


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

It's the emo roller coaster, OP. 

Sounds like your H is honestly doing all the right things to honestly R - so many cheaters just will not - please remember this. 

Doesn't stop the carnival for you, though. It's normal. I've been on the ride, my W's been on it too (we both cheated - our M is a train wreck). 

Appears to me your M is very salvageable, IF you can find forgiveness in your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You'll know. 

Give it some time, you are looking for a consistant leveling out before you assess where you are.

When the roller coaster starts slowing down, if you find your on the ground and there are no more dips or slow upward accents... just curves right and left... It's probably safe to ask the operator to stop and get off the ride.

Don't rush though, this is a long ride.


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