# Mommy's Boy



## LimboGirl

Is anyone married to a mommy's boy? If so what has been the effect on your marriage? How has this affected you emotionally? If any guys are reading this, what is it like from your side of the issue?


----------



## Laurae1967

Men who are a "mommy's boy" usually have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These mothers expect the golden child of the family, usually the son, to show loyalty and preference to her, to do and be what she wants, and usually have little of their own identity. Children in narcissistic families can be the "golden child" or the targeted child (the black sheep) but in some narcissistic family systems, the child who is golden and the child who is the black sheep can switch off. One child may be the golden child for years and then defy the narcissistic parent, who then shuns them and makes the previously hated other child the golden child. 

What is consistent is that kids who grow up in narcissistic families are damaged adults who have a hard time figuring out who they are, what boundaries are, and often have trouble seeing their narcissistic parent as the selfish, manipulative person they really are.

A narcissistic mother grooms her children to be loyal to her and to think she is always right, perfect, and that her needs are most important. These chidlren, even in adulthood, give up so much of themselves for the sake of their narcissistic parent's need for attention, control, and positive mirroring.


----------



## that_girl

Laurae1967 said:


> Men who are a "mommy's boy" usually have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These mothers expect the golden child of the family, usually the son, to show loyalty and preference to her, to do and be what she wants, and usually have little of their own identity. Children in narcissistic families can be the "golden child" or the targeted child (the black sheep) but in some narcissistic family systems, the child who is golden and the child who is the black sheep can switch off. One child may be the golden child for years and then defy the narcissistic parent, who then shuns them and makes the previously hated other child the golden child.
> 
> What is consistent is that kids who grow up in narcissistic families are damaged adults who have a hard time figuring out who they are, what boundaries are, and often have trouble seeing their narcissistic parent as the selfish, manipulative person they really are.
> 
> A narcissistic mother grooms her children to be loyal to her and to think she is always right, perfect, and that her needs are most important. These chidlren, even in adulthood, give up so much of themselves for the sake of their narcissistic parent's need for attention, control, and positive mirroring.


How do you know my mother? LOL...holy crap....I am her only child, so I am the golden child and black sheep on any random day...depending on if I called her back or not.

To the OP, is your mate a momma's boy?


----------



## LimboGirl

Laurae1967 said:


> Men who are a "mommy's boy" usually have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These mothers expect the golden child of the family, usually the son, to show loyalty and preference to her, to do and be what she wants, and usually have little of their own identity. Children in narcissistic families can be the "golden child" or the targeted child (the black sheep) but in some narcissistic family systems, the child who is golden and the child who is the black sheep can switch off. One child may be the golden child for years and then defy the narcissistic parent, who then shuns them and makes the previously hated other child the golden child.
> 
> What is consistent is that kids who grow up in narcissistic families are damaged adults who have a hard time figuring out who they are, what boundaries are, and often have trouble seeing their narcissistic parent as the selfish, manipulative person they really are.
> 
> A narcissistic mother grooms her children to be loyal to her and to think she is always right, perfect, and that her needs are most important. These chidlren, even in adulthood, give up so much of themselves for the sake of their narcissistic parent's need for attention, control, and positive mirroring.


Interesting. What are the characteristics of NP?


----------



## LimboGirl

that_girl said:


> To the OP, is your mate a momma's boy?


In the past, YES. Over the last few years, not as much. But this definitely applies to my husband "adults who have a hard time figuring out who they are, what boundaries are, and often have trouble seeing their narcissistic parent as the selfish, manipulative person they really are."


----------



## that_girl

Yea, I was like that too. Took me until I was 35 to seek help for it (this year). 

Does your husband remain in contact with his mother? I had to cut contact by 90% and I've been much better for it. 

What happened that you would write this? Any situation in specific?


----------



## LimboGirl

Symptoms of NP
Believing that you're better than others She definitely thinks she is more capable and has all the answers. You can't have a conversation without her trying to fix something. I'm talking about normal conversations, not one looking for advice.
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness I don't know if she does this.
Exaggerating your achievements or talents Yes she does this.
Expecting constant praise and admiration I don't know.
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly I think this applies to her but yet I think she has low self esteem.
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings 
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans Yes
Taking advantage of others I think she does this. She always makes it look like she is trying to help though.
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships Yes
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem Yes
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional Yes


----------



## LimboGirl

I don't know. Do you think she has NP?


----------



## that_girl

I don't know her. 

Looks like she has some qualities of it though.

I could say "yes" to about 90% of those for my mom.  My grandmother too. Is his grandmother like this?


----------



## LimboGirl

that_girl said:


> Yea, I was like that too. Took me until I was 35 to seek help for it (this year).
> 
> Does your husband remain in contact with his mother? I had to cut contact by 90% and I've been much better for it.
> 
> What happened that you would write this? Any situation in specific?


 Oh gosh. I could write books. I posted about one situation that happened years ago. His mother was in the delivery room with us and he wouldn't tell her to leave. We're in MC. I'm learning to find my voice.


----------



## that_girl

Good for you. Find your voice.


----------



## LimboGirl

that_girl said:


> I don't know her.
> 
> Looks like she has some qualities of it though.
> 
> I could say "yes" to about 90% of those for my mom.  My grandmother too. Is his grandmother like this?


i didn't know his grandmother well enough to answer.


----------



## LimboGirl

Laurae1967 said:


> What is consistent is that kids who grow up in narcissistic families are damaged adults who have a hard time figuring out who they are, what boundaries are, and often have trouble seeing their narcissistic parent as the selfish, manipulative person they really are. Both of her sons have problems. The "black sheep" is an alcoholic and has a gambling addiction and possible mental problems.
> 
> A narcissistic mother grooms her children to be loyal to her and to think she is always right, perfect, and that her needs are most important. These chidlren, even in adulthood, give up so much of themselves for the sake of their narcissistic parent's need for attention, control, and positive mirroring. I have made the comment many times that she should have been at the alter with us.


----------



## LimboGirl

One of the results of my husband's need to put his mother first has been a loss of respect for him. Is this true of anyone else?


----------



## LimboGirl

that_girl said:


> I don't know her.
> 
> Looks like she has some qualities of it though.
> 
> I could say "yes" to about 90% of those for my mom.  My grandmother too. Is his grandmother like this?


 Now that I think about it. This may apply to my mother.
Believing that you're better than others Yes
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration Yes
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings Yes
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans Yes
Taking advantage of others Yes
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior Yes
Being jealous of others Yes
Believing that others are jealous of you 
Trouble keeping healthy relationships Yes
Setting unrealistic goals Yes
Being easily hurt and rejected Yes
Having a fragile self-esteem Yes
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

My mother is messed up. I'm one of seven and a middle child, so I don't think her influence was that strong on me. I was more the invisible child. My mother probably qualifies for more than one disorder. I limited my time with her, also.


----------



## AgentD

LimboGirl said:


> One of the results of my husband's need to put his mother first has been a loss of respect for him. Is this true of anyone else?


My husband has been like this. Its not just his mother though, its his family. Both sisters, niece etc. Its all kinda weird to me. 

Its kind of like once he was married, I didn't become the one he put first etc, he catered to their needs before mine. He would take up for or defend them, instead of coming to my defense when THEY had done or said something out of the way etc.

He comes across as being scared of them or something. Not real sure why, they wouldn't cuss him out or anything. Possibly ignore him maybe. If he were to actually stand up to them and tell them what he thought even in a nice but firm manner to get his point across they would probably faint! The "golden child" as I have referred to him as well, can do no wrong in their eyes, and apparently they can do no wrong in his. 

Maybe dysfunction supports dysfunction!


----------



## LimboGirl

AgentD said:


> My husband has been like this. Its not just his mother though, its his family. Both sisters, niece etc. Its all kinda weird to me.
> 
> Its kind of like once he was married, I didn't become the one he put first etc, he catered to their needs before mine. He would take up for or defend them, instead of coming to my defense when THEY had done or said something out of the way etc.
> 
> He comes across as being scared of them or something. Not real sure why, they wouldn't cuss him out or anything. Possibly ignore him maybe. If he were to actually stand up to them and tell them what he thought even in a nice but firm manner to get his point across they would probably faint! The "golden child" as I have referred to him as well, can do no wrong in their eyes, and apparently they can do no wrong in his.
> 
> Maybe dysfunction supports dysfunction!


Have you loss respect for him?


----------



## AgentD

LimboGirl said:


> Have you loss respect for him?


Yes, but I had lost some respect for him in other areas of the marriage as well. Him making his mother and others more of a priority actually is minor compared to the other issues we have had. 

We have been in counseling and he has done much better. Some of these behaviors are so tightly ingrained it will take a long time for them to become undone. But its all a work in progress.


----------



## LimboGirl

AgentD said:


> We have been in counseling and he has done much better. Some of these behaviors are so tightly ingrained it will take a long time for them to become undone. But its all a work in progress.


 Do you know which behaviors are related to putting his family first? I guess what I am wondering is are there common problems relating to being married to a mommy's boy. How does is affect the man and the wife?

Personally I think it has undermined my husband's self esteem and much more.


----------



## LimboGirl

that_girl said:


> Yea, I was like that too. Took me until I was 35 to seek help for it (this year).
> 
> Does your husband remain in contact with his mother? I had to cut contact by 90% and I've been much better for it.
> 
> What happened that you would write this? Any situation in specific?


What would you say you have learned in counseling that might apply to a man with a way too involved mother.


----------



## that_girl

I don't know. He would have to go get help.

Every situation is different.


----------



## Jamison

I'm assuming he has always been like this? What was it about your husband that attracted you to him? 

Do you believe you are a mothering/nurturing type? if so maybe you were drawn to him thinking you could take care of him? Maybe he felt you could take care of him? 

Most "mama boys" are wanting a mother figure/caretaker.


----------



## 4821

Laurae1967 said:


> Men who are a "mommy's boy" usually have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These mothers expect the golden child of the family, usually the son, to show loyalty and preference to her, to do and be what she wants, and usually have little of their own identity. Children in narcissistic families can be the "golden child" or the targeted child (the black sheep) but in some narcissistic family systems, the child who is golden and the child who is the black sheep can switch off. One child may be the golden child for years and then defy the narcissistic parent, who then shuns them and makes the previously hated other child the golden child.
> 
> What is consistent is that kids who grow up in narcissistic families are damaged adults who have a hard time figuring out who they are, what boundaries are, and often have trouble seeing their narcissistic parent as the selfish, manipulative person they really are.
> 
> A narcissistic mother grooms her children to be loyal to her and to think she is always right, perfect, and that her needs are most important. These chidlren, even in adulthood, give up so much of themselves for the sake of their narcissistic parent's need for attention, control, and positive mirroring.


THIS is great advice, and so true.


----------



## Laurae1967

The problem about dealing with narcissists is that many of them are very manipulative. They may use guilt or shame to control their kids and so just the thought of defying mommy dearest is enough to make even grown adults feel scared, sick and disloyal. The black sheep seem to have an easier time breaking away from narcissistic parents because they are not given a lot of "golden handcuffs" like the golden child has. But someone who is a golden child may never see their parent for who they are. All they know is that they HAVE to please mom (or dad) in order to receive any love, affirmation or affection. When they don't, the narcissistic parent acts angry, hurt, wounded, distant, cold....whatever works to regain emotional control of their child, even when they are adults.

Narcissists love to "look good" to the outside world. They tend to present a happy family picture. My mother is a narcissist, but she is not manipulative or dishonest. But she is a perfectionist and has trouble thinking about anyone other than herself. But she's lower on the N spectrum than other N parents. However, MANY narcissists are able to lie easily, to play the victim to garner sympathy, and to spread lies about other people behind their back if it suits their purposes. If a N parent divorces, they often poison the children against the other parent through lies, parental alienation, and guilt.

Not all Narcissists are grandiose. Some act really pious and humble. Others are more flashy and obviously power hungry. Their needs come before their children's or anyone else's. And narcissists never like to admit when they are wrong. They have a hard time accepting responsibility for their bad behavior. They always have an excuse.

The sad thing for adult children of narcissists is that - 1) people who have unhealthy narcissism or npd are not really capable of changing because they don't possess the ability to be self-aware. So trying to get a N to see what they are doing is an exercise in futility. 2) Kids with narcissistic parents, most especially the golden child, try to be PERFECT in order to please their parents. But narcissistic parents are not ever able to be pleased for very long. They don't love their kids unconditionally because they don't know how. So most kids with N parents grow up thinking they are never good enough. Many have eating disorders, low self-esteem, and other issues. 

To the OP - your husband has to recognize on his own that his family system is dysfunctional and that his mother has stifled his individuality and autonomy. He has to want to face the reality of what really happened in his childhood. Not all people are prepared to do that, preferring to continue trying to gain that love from their parents that they will never truly get.


----------



## that_girl

Brilliant. I wish my mom could read that and see herself...but she never would. She won't even address my issues with her--- she just keeps saying she wants to start over lol. Right. She hides behind her "Christianity" which seems to deem her "right" in any situation.

Good insight. OP, would your husband be up for some therapy?


----------



## LimboGirl

Jamison said:


> I'm assuming he has always been like this? What was it about your husband that attracted you to him?
> 
> Do you believe you are a mothering/nurturing type? if so maybe you were drawn to him thinking you could take care of him? Maybe he felt you could take care of him?
> 
> Most "mama boys" are wanting a mother figure/caretaker.


I think I was attracted to him because I thought I could make him happy. I didn't realize at the time you can't make someone happy.


----------



## LimboGirl

Laurae1967 said:


> The problem about dealing with narcissists is that many of them are very manipulative. They may use guilt or shame to control their kids and so just the thought of defying mommy dearest is enough to make even grown adults feel scared, sick and disloyal. The black sheep seem to have an easier time breaking away from narcissistic parents because they are not given a lot of "golden handcuffs" like the golden child has. But someone who is a golden child may never see their parent for who they are. All they know is that they HAVE to please mom (or dad) in order to receive any love, affirmation or affection. When they don't, the narcissistic parent acts angry, hurt, wounded, distant, cold....whatever works to regain emotional control of their child, even when they are adults.
> 
> Narcissists love to "look good" to the outside world. They tend to present a happy family picture. My mother is a narcissist, but she is not manipulative or dishonest. But she is a perfectionist and has trouble thinking about anyone other than herself. But she's lower on the N spectrum than other N parents. However, MANY narcissists are able to lie easily, to play the victim to garner sympathy, and to spread lies about other people behind their back if it suits their purposes. If a N parent divorces, they often poison the children against the other parent through lies, parental alienation, and guilt.
> 
> Not all Narcissists are grandiose. Some act really pious and humble. Others are more flashy and obviously power hungry. Their needs come before their children's or anyone else's. And narcissists never like to admit when they are wrong. They have a hard time accepting responsibility for their bad behavior. They always have an excuse.
> 
> The sad thing for adult children of narcissists is that - 1) people who have unhealthy narcissism or npd are not really capable of changing because they don't possess the ability to be self-aware. So trying to get a N to see what they are doing is an exercise in futility. 2) Kids with narcissistic parents, most especially the golden child, try to be PERFECT in order to please their parents. But narcissistic parents are not ever able to be pleased for very long. They don't love their kids unconditionally because they don't know how. So most kids with N parents grow up thinking they are never good enough. Many have eating disorders, low self-esteem, and other issues.
> 
> To the OP - your husband has to recognize on his own that his family system is dysfunctional and that his mother has stifled his individuality and autonomy. He has to want to face the reality of what really happened in his childhood. Not all people are prepared to do that, preferring to continue trying to gain that love from their parents that they will never truly get.


I wonder if he has begun to see some of this because he has seemed to distance himself from her somewhat. When I mentioned this he doesn't talk about it. This is not unusual he doesn't like to talk about things.


----------



## LimboGirl

that_girl said:


> Brilliant. I wish my mom could read that and see herself...but she never would. She won't even address my issues with her--- she just keeps saying she wants to start over lol. Right. She hides behind her "Christianity" which seems to deem her "right" in any situation.
> 
> Good insight. OP, would your husband be up for some therapy?


We do MC. As of right now he doesn't think he needs IC. He says if he couldn't handle something on his own he would go. I don't think he would admit he couldn't handle it on his own. 

As a side note my Mom's religion is the reason for everything. I think if my mom really saw herself she would crash.


----------



## LimboGirl

Do you think a person with NP could have a "savior" complex? It's like his mother has to be the one to solve the problem. This applies to the black sheep brother, also. It's like she has such a need to be needed that she thinks she is the only one with the answer. This need to be needed seems to me as if she raised both her boys to have problems. I know it sounds like I'm blaming everything on her. She actually is a very nice woman. She had to be the one to do everything for them. She wanted them to love her best. She is like this with her grandchildren, also. She has inserted herself in my brother-in-laws life so much it is like she is one of the parents. I didn't let this happen with my kids.


----------



## nmc

My brother is sorta a "momma's boy" my mother had him thinking that he could do NOTHING on his own. She had him scared to death of letting go of her apron strings and being his own man... in the last 3 months, he met someone and moved about 30 mins from my parents. i feel that it had an affect on him as far as his self confidence, and trusting in him self. He is an amzing man, and has always been the perfect little brother. but, She held him back from realizing what he was REALLY capable of. He can only SOAR now... SO proud of him !!!


----------



## LimboGirl

nmc said:


> My brother is sorta a "momma's boy" my mother had him thinking that he could do NOTHING on his own. She had him scared to death of letting go of her apron strings and being his own man... in the last 3 months, he met someone and moved about 30 mins from my parents. i feel that it had an affect on him as far as his self confidence, and trusting in him self. He is an amzing man, and has always been the perfect little brother. but, She held him back from realizing what he was REALLY capable of. He can only SOAR now... SO proud of him !!!


You know I always felt my husband was capable of so much more. He just doesn't see himself as capable. He rarely tries anything new whether it's fixing something around the house or a new recreational activity. But what can I say the woman fed both her boys until they were 4. She didn't want to deal with the mess.


----------



## desert-rose

Both my H and I have weird dysfunctional relationships with our families and it occasionally impacts our marriage. We grew up in different kinds of dysfunction. I had to follow all the rules to be the golden child to get attention and am sort of a daddy's girl when I'm around my family. He had to be a black sheep in order to get time from his mom who had five other kids to take care of on her own and so he's kind of a mommy's boy. I try to please my family and he tries to protect his. When we are on our own and living in our own space, this tension and problem is less present. However, I still try to please H to get his attention and he tries to act out to get mine. We have boundary issues that result from our family of origin dynamics. However, one can see why "golden child" me and "black sheep" him would be drawn to each other; I love his sense of freedom and he loves my sense of discipline. Our clashes happen when his neglectful freedom hurts me and my clingy discipline makes him feel smothered.

When we interact with each others families it becomes more apparent. H won't compromise for anyone at all (typical bully) and demands that everyone defer to him; in his family he's the baby and gets his way because his mom supports him, but in my family, conformity is what gets you support so I compromise way more than I should. You can see the conflict. He acts out to get attention, but it doesn't get him approval. So, he'll be more provocative and pick fights to test my loyalties and both sides demand my allegiance. I stand up for him, but, I also have to work double-time to please my family and placate them after their interactions and discreetly ask him to try not to be deliberately provocative. He sees this as disloyal while I see it as protecting the peace. When we are around his family, he expects me to be subservient to his dominant attitude and to conform to their expectations -- even as he defies them himself and even as he refuses to do the same for mine. Being the compliant one who usually prefers to keep the peace, I tend to do so for his family (as I also do for mine) and find ways to get along. But, when I do things that are different, I end up being yanked back in line by their disapproval or dominance. H will seem to support me in it initially, but sacrifice me & blame me when he's called to task for any controversy. I see this as disloyal of him, he says he's teaching me how to defend myself. He expects me to protect his family and him, while he disrespects my family and me. Double standard.

We both try to be self-reliant as much as possible and try not to get much support from our families (current situation aside). But, family dynamics also informs how we run a household. I have high standards for myself (golden child), low standards for others. Also, I prefer career to domesticity. He has high standards for others and low standards for himself (black sheep). Also, he prefers domesticity to career. I have to be perfect in order to maybe get a little bit of love if I beg for it, while I have to accept him as king of the castle and serve him as such while he does nothing but hang out and indulge his fun. Example: I found out about H's many infidelities and could no longer ignore escalating abuse and transgression against my family. My family staged an intervention and we ended up separated with his family discovering his egregious bad behavior that he'd covered up for ages. My mom: "Divorce him now; you're a stronger woman than to stick it out with someone who treats you like that! If you're putting up with abuse by choice, don't contact us anymore." His mom: "I know he did some stuff he shouldn't have done, but why did you tell everyone? How could you hurt him so much? Don't you see how unhappy he is that everyone is mad at him? I'm never letting him leave my house again!" UGH. My family: "If you don't divorce him, we will no longer speak to you b/c you're an idiot who is endangering everyone." His family: "He really screwed up, we're sorry he hurt yall, none of us are talking to him b/c he's an idiot." I move out of town & wait for him to call & apologize; he moves in with his mom & refuses to call me because I'm expecting him to be accountable for his actions.

In my opinion, family dysfunction not only influences our behavior toward our partners, it also creates issues when it comes to interaction between family or origin and spousal interactions. It also really contributes to how conflict resolution is handled!

I've discovered some of this through intensive therapy after being devastated by a very traumatic D-Day.


----------



## YinPrincess

My husband is a momma's boy in denial. When we started dating I learned he called her for EVERYTHING!! He still went to her house on the weekends so she could do his laundry, and as his gf/future wife at the time, I felt my potential wasn't fully being seen. I wanted him to come to me for advice, let ME take care of him, etc. He is indeed the narcissist and has had a hard time adjusting to complete self-sufficiency. I think it is something he enjoys now, and thankfully MIL has stepped back. She is a wonderful person now, but she tells me she wasn't always the best mother. I'm glad they had that time to get reacquainted before I came along, or I can see how they might have felt about me 'intruding'.

He still calls her to ask for advice and tell her important things, and he is still quite the narcissist... :sigh:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rcgray60

My husband is a mommy boy she know everything at our household he tell her everything from A to Z I feel like a outsider even though I been knowing them all of my life's can't compete with any of that. My mom is deceased and I'm a only child any advice desperate for answer


----------

