# Husband filed divorce. Hot and Cold. What gives?



## DGavins (6 mo ago)

Me (43) Husband (40) have been married for a decade. 3 kids. He filed for a divorce almost 3 months ago. On the day after a financial disagreement that he said was the final straw. He argued that I wasn’t contributing enough financially. We both have attorneys and are half way through the process.

I was shocked because he pretty much filed the next morning without warning. We have some problems such as communication issues and emotional infidelity on both parts years ago.

I am not able to move out right away for financial reasons and have not told the kids. I asked him to work it on our marriage and go to counseling but he says he is done.

I pretty much went on with my life and pretended to be as fine as I could. Asking him to hang out, we laughed, and intimate eventually. He never declined any of my requests and said he loves me when I say it first. Eventually he started initiating the interactions and asking me to spend time with him. 

After a few weeks, I asked if he wanted to work it out over text. He acknowledged the text and said he needed time to think. Tried to communicate and he said we’ve tried everything and it has not worked and he doesn’t think it ever will. 

I felt used after this so I asked that he give me space if he’s not sure because it’s cruel to toy with me this way. I also allowed it so I’m not innocent in it. I stayed at my brothers for a few but eventually had to return.

Did a complete 180. Got into therapy. Gave him plenty of space. Now he is checking on me and showing very subtle signs of non-sexual affection again. Calling me pet names. I of course refused to be intimate with him and will not ever. Rejected all affection. 

I know things are over because he said it but why would someone be so cruel to push and pull with a person they are done with. It’s so cruel to me. He knows I want the marriage. I plan to move soon but have to get more money for a place (was laid off during pandemic and never went back). I may be able to move in several more weeks. It’s his place and I know the divorce settlement will give spousal/child support.

When a husband is leaving, was this normal behavior of hot and cold when husband file divorce? It seems odd to me. I don’t have my hopes up and I am going solely but his actions and words that it’s over but the sweet gestures make me weak in the knees only to be told it’s over. Pretty cruel.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I think it’s normal, especially when the affair partner goes from being a fun sex partner to being a girlfriend who asks for things in return for her “favors.”


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think it’s normal, especially when the affair partner goes from being a fun sex partner to being a girlfriend who asks for things in return for her “favors.”


What?

Nowhere in her post did she say he was cheating and had an affair partner.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> What?
> 
> Nowhere in her post did she say he was cheating and had an affair partner.


I don’t know if he is having an affair. He doesn’t leave the house often although possible.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you filled the papers to divorce him?
When you had that argument - he likely already had the divorce papers filled out. Maybe he created the argument as a ruse to file?

Sure seems like he may have created a scene to justify divorcing you.

Never beg someone to love you. He’s done - make sure the divorce goes through. 
The 180 should help you move forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why cant he leave?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think it’s normal, especially when the affair partner goes from being a fun sex partner to being a girlfriend who asks for things in return for her “favors.”


How did you jump to affair? Other than her mentioning both of them had an EA years ago, affair was not in the picture. At least not stated.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Have you filled the papers to divorce him?
> When you had that argument - he likely already had the divorce papers filled out. Maybe he created the argument as a ruse to file?
> 
> Sure seems like he may have created a scene to justify divorcing you.
> ...




I will not beg him anymore. He may have already had it in his mind. I have to leave because it’s his place he inherited before marriage. I have submitted my counterclaim. 

I want more than anything to save the marriage so any small signs of hope made it easy for me to think he only needed more time. 

I don’t understand why he is making these sexual and now non sexual advances at me. Complimenting me on things he never did while married. Calling me while at my brothers for stupid reasons. 

Just wondering why he is playing this cruel game. It sucks but I know I can’t do much about it if he wants out.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How did you jump to affair? Other than her mentioning both of them had an EA years ago, affair was not in the picture. At least not stated.


Oh lord. Just… this is exhausting.

I haven’t kept up with this posters whole story. I’m throwing out a possible scenario.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s acting nice at times to get a better deal out of the divorce.

It’s in your favor to stop all communication with him… or at least as little as possible.

He’s made it clear he wants out - make that happen as fast and simply as possible for an outcome that’s best for you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Oh lord. Just… this is exhausting.
> 
> I haven’t kept up with this posters whole story. I’m throwing out a possible scenario.


Gotcha, always a possibility. Just seemed like you had something solid.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Gotcha, always a possibility. Just seemed like you had something solid.


If my posts offend you, you don’t have to see them.

I hope your family is doing well after the fire. I was glad to hear you had so much community support.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Oh lord. Just… this is exhausting.
> 
> I haven’t kept up with this posters whole story. I’m throwing out a possible scenario.


🤣

Keep up with her "whole story"?? She had made ONE POST on this forum at the time you replied with the affair partner comment. 

🤣


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Gotcha, always a possibility. Just seemed like you had something solid.


There was nothing solid, it was thin air.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Livvie said:


> 🤣
> 
> Keep up with her "whole story"?? She had made ONE POST on this forum at the time you replied with the affair partner comment.
> 
> 🤣


Sometimes there’s a history that other people are aware of that I haven’t seen. It was just throwing out a possible scenario. When someone files for divorce unexpectedly there is often another person.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If my posts offend you, you don’t have to see them.
> 
> I hope your family is doing well after the fire. I was glad to hear you had so much community support.


Thank you and you do not offend me.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

He's being nice to you for sex. Since you have the kids, I'd make him move out of his own house until you can find another place that he pays for.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> He's being nice to you for sex. Since you have the kids, I'd make him move out of his own house until you can find another place that he pays for.


That is a pretty cruel and selfish thing to do. I am not having sex with him for that reason. 

We separated for a few months years ago after my EA and it was the same. He swore he was done but was being nice after asking for separation. Eventually he came begging. Maybe he has used me for a back up plan both times. 

We had been spending more leisure time together now than ever before I told him to leave me alone if he does not want to be married. 


Attorneys said I can’t make him move out and neither can he make me unless there is violence of some sort which won’t happen. Once the divorce is final I’d plan to move anyway.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve this treatment. I have no idea why a man would do what you are saying he is doing to you. That is awful. 

I think you have the right course of action. Stick with the divorce. I would also tell him that you will only acknowledge him if he uses your name. No pet names. Pet names are for the man in your life that wants to be your partner. He chose to fire you as his wife, therefore the relationship is now of co-parent. That is it. 

I wish you the best of luck moving forward. I would cut out interactions with him unless it involves the kids.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I'm sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve this treatment. I have no idea why a man would do what you are saying he is doing to you. That is awful.
> 
> I think you have the right course of action. Stick with the divorce. I would also tell him that you will only acknowledge him if he uses your name. No pet names. Pet names are for the man in your life that wants to be your partner. He chose to fire you as his wife, therefore the relationship is now of co-parent. That is it.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck moving forward. I would cut out interactions with him unless it involves the kids.



Thank you. It has been hard to say the least. He seems to show no remorse and walking around whistling. I cry in the car on most nights. 

When I left for a few nights he would say he was calling for our kids but then somehow “forgot” they were with my parents for the weekend. I text information I need to know (I still love him and it hurts hearing his voice) and he immediately calls instead of responding by text. He keeps the conversation neutral but it seems like he is taunting me. This has been torture.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, some men act the way he has and, yes, it’s very confusing and sends mixed signals and gives false hope. He can still love you and yet not feel he wants to continue the marriage because … various reasons. It’ll be easier for you to get your life sorted when you don’t see him every day. In the meantime start planning that life. I found it helped to keep a journal of what I needed to do and wanted to do and had to do. I referred back to it often since my memory was not reliable during the divorce process. I know all of this is very difficult, and definitely not what you want, but you’ll get through it. I wish you the best.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DGavins said:


> That is a pretty cruel and selfish thing to do. I am not having sex with him for that reason.
> 
> We separated for a few months years ago after my EA and it was the same. He swore he was done but was being nice after asking for separation. Eventually he came begging. Maybe he has used me for a back up plan both times.
> 
> ...


It's one of the differences between the boys and the girls. 

A man's sex drive operates independently of other things going on in his life or what is going on in the relationship. 

A woman's sexuality is more interwoven into the relationship dynamics and her emotional state and what's going on in the rest of her life. A woman may not be able to relax enough to have sex if there are dirty dishes sitting in the sink where as for a man if the house were on fire or someone had arterial bleeding spurting blood everywhere when he gets an offer, he will sit and think about it for a second on how much will burn or how much blood loss there will be if he were to go for it. 

To put it in more serious terms, the state of the present or the future of a relationship may not impact a man's sexual attraction or desire or even affectionate feelings for his partner. 

A man may not want to live with a woman in domestic and financial and legal partnership, but that may not stop him from having affectionate feelings and sexual attraction to her. A man's Strike Zone for sex is a lot wider than his Strike Zone for wanting to live with and be legally and financially bound to a woman. 

To use my own situation as an example - My own marriage is a bit tenuous at times and thoughts of divorce to arise and it has been discussed at times. However I will never actually hate my wife or think of her as a bad person and she is a beautiful woman and we have had a great sex life in days gone by. 

I can picture us separating and living separate lives and dissolving our legal and financial partnership. However if she were to want some love'n from me, the fact that we may not have a legal and financial partnership would not be a reason that I would decline. (I may decline for other reasons if she was being mean or b1tchy or something, but not because we would be dissolving our legal/financial partnership. 

He may have legit warm and affectionate feelings for you but just can no longer remain in legal /financial partnership with you under the same roof. 

Whether you are able to have a physical/sexual relationship with him or not without the stability of a committed relationship or marriage is up to you. Some women are able to separate the marital status from their sexual attraction and desire for their STBX but many are not. Many like you, can not be sexual with a man that is no longer in a stable and committed relationship with them.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Its normal for many people to have second thoughts during divorce especially when there are children involved. The familiar habits, memories, regrets etc. It will all eventually fade. Hopefully these feelings can be channeled after the divorce is final and you can all peacefully co-exist.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Its normal for many people to have second thoughts during divorce especially when there are children involved. The familiar habits, memories, regrets etc. It will all eventually fade. Hopefully these feelings can be channeled after the divorce is final and you can all peacefully co-exist.


This is what drives my hopes up. If he is having any second thoughts of divorce, this would actually be a better scenario for me instead of a strong no because I want the marriage. This is the reason I was intimate with him for a while before asking him to stop the advances. 

Second thoughts mean there’s a chance.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> It's one of the differences between the boys and the girls.
> 
> A man's sex drive operates independently of other things going on in his life or what is going on in the relationship.
> 
> ...



What about the gestures that is not sexual in nature. Is that also leading up to wanting sex too? ie buying me coffee while he’s out, calling to check on me when I’m away. Sleeping next to me with back turned. 


It seems indirectly related to him wanting sex. 


I know it doesn’t matter because the divorce is still on the table but the whys definitely live in my head


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DGavins said:


> What about the gestures that is not sexual in nature. Is that also leading up to wanting sex too? ie buying me coffee while he’s out, calling to check on me when I’m away. Sleeping next to me with back turned.
> 
> 
> It seems indirectly related to him wanting sex.
> ...


Maybe, maybe not. 

In general a healthy adult male is going to be a sexual being and is going to want to have a sex life. Sexuality is always going to be a factor any time an adult male is interacting with an adult female. Many men will have sex with women they do not necessarily want to live with and be married to. 

He is obviously ok with having a personal and even sexual relationship with you. But that does not necessarily mean that he wants to have a home and marriage with you. He may not want to live with you permanently and may not want to have legally binding and financially intertwined life with you.... but he may still have affectionate and sexual feelings for you. 

The fact that he is willing to sleep with you and have sex with you, does not necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you in a home and marriage. 

It is up to you whether that is enough for YOU or not. 

If you need to have a committed relationship with a future commitment and a domestic and marital relationship in order to have a sexual relationship, then this is probably not going to work. 

If you are ok with essentially being FWBs and a casual, NSA sexual relationship, then maybe some occasional dinner dates and hook ups are ok with you. 

If you cannot have a sexual relationship with him if he is not willing to commit to remaining married and living as husband and wife, then don't. Your sexuality and who you have sex with and under what conditions are all up to you. 

What you do with your sexuality is up to you.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

DGavins said:


> What about the gestures that is not sexual in nature. Is that also leading up to wanting sex too? ie buying me coffee while he’s out, calling to check on me when I’m away. Sleeping next to me with back turned.
> 
> 
> It seems indirectly related to him wanting sex.
> ...


You mentioned that you had an affair previously, did he also have an affair?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DGavins said:


> This is what drives my hopes up. If he is having any second thoughts of divorce, this would actually be a better scenario for me instead of a strong no because I want the marriage. This is the reason I was intimate with him for a while before asking him to stop the advances.
> 
> Second thoughts mean there’s a chance.



This is thinking like a girl. A girl would think that having coffee dates and sleep overs and having sex means that he is having second thoughts about divorce and that maybe he wants to reconcile and remain together as husband wife. 

But as I've said above, that is not necessarily how a man thinks. A man may want to have a coffee date and hang out and chit chat and even sleep together and have sex........ but that does not necessarily mean that he wants to get back together permanently in marriage as man and wife. It may just be a coffee date, sleep over and hook up to him. 

I'm not saying that is the case for sure. I'm saying that men and women see things differently and you can not guess his intentions as a man by what your feelings and reactions would be as a woman. 

A man can have hot wild monkey sex until the wee hours of the morning and then get up and sign the divorce papers and turn them into the court after his morning shower. 

I'm not saying that is what he is doing. for all I know maybe he is considering reconciliation. But what I am saying is for a man, sex and marriage can be two completely different wavelengths and the fact he is having times of affection and sex with you, does not in itself mean that he wants to remain married.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Its normal for many people to have second thoughts during divorce especially when there are children involved. The familiar habits, memories, regrets etc. It will all eventually fade. Hopefully these feelings can be channeled after the divorce is final and you can all peacefully co-exist.


This kind of thinking is what occurred to me as well.

When he declared he was done, he probably was...at that moment. But really, for most "big decisions", it is very common for people to start second guessing themselves. Not always, but often. Someone decides to change jobs, someone decides to buy a house, etc. People frequently have a twinge of "am I doing the right thing?" or "buyer's remorse" or whatever. Why should deciding to divorce be any different? In fact, we've seen people here on this forum in various threads start second-guessing themselves.

That doesn't mean he's necessarily willing to put in the effort to save the marriage. Maybe 80% of the time, he's really done with the marriage. It's just that 20% keeps sneaking in.

Anyway, that was my thought when I read this thread.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

Having a really hard time today. Stbx tried being intimate with me again last night while I was on the couch but I declined so he held me tightly in his arms while sighing for a few minutes until I snapped out of it got up to go in another room. I’ve asked him to stop this. 


This morning he cooked us all breakfast before he left for work which he hasn’t done in years and offered me a shoulder massage. I’ve had surgery on my shoulder so he would often massage it only when I asked. This time he volunteered. I declined. He called while I was out running errands with the kids yesterday to tell them he said hi. I am trying limited contact but he contacts me and uses the excuses as for the kids. Doesn’t stay long on the phone but calls. Sends me pictures of the kids while he’s out alone with them. Never used to do that either. 

I stay out later so that I don’t have to see him. 

I don’t know. I’m only using this post to vent today and to keep a journal of all the events because even I question whether or not I’m imagining things. I can’t afford to leave but I hope to move very soon.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DGavins said:


> I will not beg him anymore. He may have already had it in his mind. I have to leave because it’s his place he inherited before marriage. I have submitted my counterclaim.
> 
> I want more than anything to save the marriage so any small signs of hope made it easy for me to think he only needed more time.
> 
> ...


I can see why you are confused. He may be confused as well but it is certainly unfair for him to give you false hope. 

That said, you need to continue to make yourself unavailable to him, make sure he starts to feel what his world will be without him. Do not SAY these things to him, do not get into heavy conversations at all, and only really talk when ABSOLUTELY necessary-- meaning, it is about children or divorce (that stuff can go through lawayers). 

Do not be mean, just act like you have moved on and that you really do not have any need for him. Stop being his confidante, or his good-time girl.


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## DGavins (6 mo ago)

Slow Hand said:


> You mentioned that you had an affair previously, did he also have an affair?



Yes. He had an affair with an old lover from his hometown. I began venting to a male coworker about my stbx affair’s and the coworker and I hung out a few times. No sex.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DGavins said:


> Having a really hard time today. Stbx tried being intimate with me again last night while I was on the couch but I declined so he held me tightly in his arms while sighing for a few minutes until I snapped out of it got up to go in another room. I’ve asked him to stop this.
> 
> 
> This morning he cooked us all breakfast before he left for work which he hasn’t done in years and offered me a shoulder massage. I’ve had surgery on my shoulder so he would often massage it only when I asked. This time he volunteered. I declined. He called while I was out running errands with the kids yesterday to tell them he said hi. I am trying limited contact but he contacts me and uses the excuses as for the kids. Doesn’t stay long on the phone but calls. Sends me pictures of the kids while he’s out alone with them. Never used to do that either.
> ...


yes, it is good that you are trying to limit contact with him. Like I said, let him learn to live without you. He may not like it as much as he thinks.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You said you did a 180. Was that the Divorce Busting 180? That’s designed to help you, but it can also make the other person question what then hell is going on since you aren’t sad Ike you should be. Sounds like it worked for you as he stated noticing, then you slid backwards.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you considered that he's having an affair right now and you are plan B?

Or maybe he's trying to keep you as a possibility while he sniffs around to see if he can do better.

Get rid of this guy and heal.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Or maybe he's trying to keep you as a possibility while he sniffs around to see if he can do better.


My thought too. That’s why when she did a 180, his attitude changed because he thought she was no longer going to be an option.


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