# I really need help i feel trapped and i see no way out.



## Mel90 (Oct 18, 2016)

Hello everyone,
I am 25 years old and last year i got married to a man 8 years older than me. We arew not from the same country i know him from 2006, we were doing on and off long distance relationship, with me going to visit him from time to time. And last year i moved to his country in his country for one year than we got married and moved to my country. So here is the thing. He used to be so loving and caring man. Stable in his mind, in his attitiude. Drama free, anger free, so calm. Each time i visited him he was so sweet and nice taking very good care of me ( emotionally ), never raised his voice and treated me with a lot of respect. 
From the day i bought one way ticket problems started. he started losing his temper so quickly, screaming at me a lot, if during some argument i try to calm him down and and try to talk to him he says that i can never "shut up", that i am intentionally pushing his limits, he calls me up bad names and than later on when he calms down he comes to cuddle me like nothing happened. At the begining i was so confused and i guess i didn't respond to this correctly as i always accepted his cuddling and being nice after an episode of screaming and insulting. He used to take good care of me when it comes to my food, my needs, while i was in his country he used to take care of all besides of how i feel. A lot of times during this time he was asking me to go home beacuse its too much for him to handle me there since his work situation wasnt well during this time but i sticked next to him and helped finencally big time. Than my mother bought him a ticket to come to my country to visit. We came together and the first night he started fight with me because i said that my mom bought him some jacket that she actually didn't ( as i didn't know that she didn't). He wanted to go back home over that. Than my mom calmed him down during whole our visit to my parents every 3 days he wanted to leave and he was so angry all the time for each thing. Each male friend i met him with if he happened to hug me he called me bad names saying that people dont respect him here. After we went back to his country and the mess continued. We were fighting almost every day over something and when we fight he usually deosn't want to eat or do anything. Than once during the fight he wanted to leave house and i asked him not to and to calm down so that we can talk. He got so angry for me not letting him out that he started punching my legs till i got 3 blue spots. Afterwards he came and said he is sorry and it will never happen again. Of course it did. And he always used to say that is me who is pushing him to do such a things. I was handling it all wrong i was giving him chances. The reasons for arguments always used to be I am quoting him " me saying something at the wrong time". After that we had some time of peace and thats when i got blinded , ignored all of the signs and we got married. 
After the wedding we had one month in peace and than it all started again. Occasionally he twists my arm when we fight or steps on me with his feet, each time he hears something he doesnt like he screams, he twisted my arm in front of my mother too. He uses everything as a reason to scream, if i cooked something and he doesnt like presentation of it he will say that he won't eat it and he will say to me that next time i dont have to cook since the way i cooked it shows that i don't want to. Or if i forget to wash something me asked me he says how i am zero wife and that i can't do nothing. Also if i ask him to do something for me he will but if my need crosses his he will tell me how i have things to do everyday how im so active and how iam always planing things and not giving him time. 
he does thing for me just for him to look good not because he cares to make me happy. Financially he is there 100% but he has no empathy and the only needs and feeling that metter are his. He insults uses bad words, screams for al the naighbours to hear him ( we live in the building) and than he says its me who pushed him, he doesn't want to do that. 
Every time he crosses the line physically or mentally he acts sick after. His stomach or his throat but each time he acts sick. 
he will ask me to do something for him and than when i say ok let me just finish up cooking ( for example) he will say u know what u don't actually have to. And than after 10 mins he will ask for it again. Its like he needs to abuse my mind just for the sake of some stress being around. He reacts to everything and it's exactly every 3 days he will find something to complain about and the mess will start. In my country for this kind of acting we say he slaps and than he cries. HE is misbehaving and than acting like a victim. 
His is doing well here, he got a good job he trains some sport that got him a medal he so welcome in my family and around my friends but nothing is enoug he is all the time angry and stressed. Last wek my friend graduated and she made a party he made me a huge mess that we stayed till 3 and not till 12 like i said we will. I agree that if a person doesnt like something should say it but its the way that matters. He didn't say it in a good way he started insulting me and screaming and saying that i am married and that i dont have to act like that. Also he didn't care to do that and stay quite for me. to let me enjoy since i don't go anywhere alone anyways he couldnt let that longer stay without making a drama. As you can see all the reasons for fighting are such a minor issues. If my wish crosses his he will not do it for me he will either make a mess about it or he will do it and than insult me with it. 
As i siad each discussion that startes if it takes a way he doesn't like will end with insulting, screaming, possbile physical attac and him screaming how my parents didn't tach me to respect a man. 
the problem is he is in my country in my house. I don't want to be a bag guy and kick him out but i simply don't know what to do. If he was from my country i would have left him long ago. The problem is all the has now is based on him living and being married to me. I dont know how to handle this and what is the way out.

He is amazing person with a great sense of humor, so smart and kind but with everybody except with me. He has lots of qualities but his anger is coving them all up. And i cant live life hoping for good days and enjoying only two days a week when he is in his good day and the rest i spend being hurt, abused and crying. 
I talked to him lots of times but he won't change he says he will stop screaming and insulting but on the fisrt upcoming argument he does it again and blames it on me. 
Despite all his good sides i think that his bad side is not bad because i don't like it but bad bacuse its objectivly unfair and dangerous. 
I really don't know hwat to do..


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

His bad side is bad it is called emotional abuse that could lead to physical abuse.

A lot of folks are on their best behavior during the early stages of a relationship, you married him and now his true colors are showing. I would suggest marriage counseling if he is willing to go, if not you this will get worse.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Lostme said:


> His bad side is bad it is called emotional abuse that could lead to physical abuse.
> 
> A lot of folks are on their best behavior during the early stages of a relationship, you married him and now his true colors are showing. I would suggest marriage counseling if he is willing to go, if not you this will get worse.


Read all of her post, he is already physically abusing her. :frown2:

Mel90, you need to divorce this man, ASAP. He can go back to his own country, what happens to him isn't your problem.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Where is he from?

Where are you from?

How did you meet?

Now that he is here, what does your mom and family think of him?

Based on what you have said, get his things together, and get him out of your house. If you have a big imposing relati, ". " ,IV ve, maybe have him or the police present...he sounds like he will possibly go wild.
""
But more than that - be prepared for his acts of "I've changed", sorry and begging how much he loves you, after you kick him out. 
This will be constant and seem so genuine. It's not. Remember the abuse when you start to soften. He may get you back and kill you All lThreads nexr time!

This is not a life you have, it's torture. Divorce him, and find yourself a real man, who will love and cherish you.

I suggest no LDR, no family picking (if that is common by you) and no more ignoring signs of abuse given while dating. I wish you the best and true happiness.


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## Mel90 (Oct 18, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Where is he from?
> 
> Where are you from?
> 
> ...


Hey, thank you for your reply. I am from Europe, he is North African. We met 6 years ago and had on and off long distance relationship. I guess cultural differences play big role in here as well..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mel90 said:


> He is amazing person with a great sense of humor,* so smart and kind but with everybody except with me.* He has lots of qualities but his anger is covering them all up. And i cant live life hoping for good days and enjoying only two days a week when he is in his good day and the rest i spend being hurt, abused and crying.
> I talked to him lots of times but he won't change he says he will stop screaming and insulting but on the fisrt upcoming argument he does it again and blames it on me.
> Despite all his good sides i think that his bad side is not bad because i don't like it but bad bacuse its objectivly unfair and dangerous.
> I really don't know what to do..


There are two of him. Everybody else gets the great man, you get the nasty man.

No, you get, *got the real man*. He is deeply flawed and cannot hide his true self for long.

You can fix broken.

You cannot fix something that is not really broken. He is a small monster, with a mean bite. That is him.

This IS who he IS. 

Leave him, leave his problems in his lap, not yours.

Sorry for your pain and bad situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I suspect that this man [unless he is from Israel] wanted to escape the horrors that entrap most of the people from the Continent of North Africa.

By marrying you he was able to get his foot in the front door of Europe. Am I correct here?

This may have been his real motive for marrying you. Now that he has accomplished this task....you are no longer important, no longer needed.

Forgive me, I am an old cynic.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mel, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, verbal and physical abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). 

At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack -- is to help you avoid a very painful situation and help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion.



Mel90 said:


> He used to be so loving and caring man. Stable in his mind, in his attitiude. Drama free, anger free, so calm. From the day i bought one way ticket problems started.


The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning, which means their anger issues never show until you draw very close to them. Even when you draw close, those issues usually will not be evident until the infatuation stage wears off. The infatuation convinces them that you pose no threat to their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. 



> Each male friend i met him with if he happened to hug me he called me bad names saying that people don't respect him here.


If he is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), his greatest fear is abandonment. It usually manifests itself as irrational jealousy -- e.g., an irrational fear that you'll run off with an old friend you happen to hug.



> He got so angry for me not letting him out that he started punching my legs till i got 3 blue spots. Afterwards he came and said he is sorry and it will never happen again. Of course it did.


If your H is a BPDer, he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. 

Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. 

One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> HE is misbehaving and then acting like a victim.


BPDers typically have such a weak ego that they have only a weak, fragile sense of self identity. To the extent they have any lasting self identity at all, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." A BPDer therefore often seeks "validation" of that false self image by blaming you for every misfortune, mistake, and unhappiness. 



> He is amazing person with a great sense of humor, so smart and kind but with everybody except with me.


BPDers generally are intelligent and caring individuals. Their problem is not being bad but, rather, emotionally unstable. That instability usually will not be evident, however, until you are 4 to 6 months into the relationship (i.e., when the BPDer's infatuation for you starts to evaporate).



> I really don't know what to do.


I agree with the advice offered by *3X*, *Spicy*, and *SunCMars* who recommend divorce due to the physical abuse. Yet, given your reluctance to divorce him and move on, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply. An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join *3X*, *Spicy*, *SunCMars*, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Mel.


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