# Divorce Observation #5 - Looking Forward



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Well, for those that have followed my saga of ending my nine year marriage, here is more growth. This past weekend started off by W asking Friday morning if I still wanted to get back together. Initially I wondered what she was meaning by this. She said she was wandering around the house after the kids were put to bed and looking and thinking of all the changes that will take place. She shocked me by asking "How do you go through each day knowing how things will change. It must be hard." Uh, yea... there has not been a SINGLE DAY that I have not looked at the desk in the office where my older daughter has turned it into her own, covered with orange crayons and papers with her scribbly pictures on it. I look at the stack of books that I have sat on the floor and read to them. I think of playing in the backyard in the splash pool, raking leaves, sharing a popsickle with either of them, of just talking in the hammock. Not only of the kids, but with W as well, in the backyard, having lunch before I went to work. Bringing our younger daughter home from the hospital, of trips planned for, of holidays shared together, of all the things, good AND bad that a family does, well, as a family. Things weren't always unberable between us. Yeah, it is harder than I imagine.

In the end, she was asking not to rebuild our marriage, but to save going thru the mess. Our relationship would be the same, save her getting a job, and having some of the money issues go away. We would still sleep in separate quarters, argue till the cows come home, and cause any number of messes between the two of us. She said that she would stop with OM, but she would not look at me when she said this. I know that would not end. She has said numerous times that he will always be an important part of her life. He is her soul mate. That is something that just does not stop. I didn't believe her. Based on how the weekend went (Sweetest Day), this was an attempt for her and I to stay together longer, as OM has to get an annulment and it seems like his divorce will take a long time. She was just looking for security and stability until he was closer to his end date. I was being used.

Over the weekend, I have had lots of time to ponder things. I have realized that since we were together, I have changed. I used to be more outgoing, have lots of friends, go places and do things. W did not. She lived at home her whole life. We moved to a small town in IN and did not branch out much, since we were outsiders. I was basically her only friend. We had no way to release frustrations and things about each other, because there WAS no other. This is so completely different than who I was. Fast forward 9 years later, I had the kids again this weekend and we went with a group hiking in the woods. I realized that I am somebody else outside of the house, away from her. I am completely different, more like who I used to be. I enjoy conversation with others, and think I make a good friend. I have beers at the bar with the group (last week, not this one with the kids). I talk with people from work freely and enjoyably about things. I smile more, I relate more, I feel more. I am more understanding and laugh more with the kids. I see things from a positive outlook, more towards the future, than just making it through this day. In short, I feel... well, FREE! So free, in fact, that it makes me feel more and more like this is the correct direction. It sounds terrible to say, but every morning I long to hear the sound of the lock turning as she goes to the gym or grocery shopping, or wherever. When she goes to her moms or wherever for the weekend, and I come home to an empty house, part of me feels complete releif of being free from that weight for a while. 

Yes, I know, divorce is a terrible solution to a problem. It will affect both of us, our kids, and our families for many, many years, in ways we don't even know yet. However, how long is someone to go on living, holding on for a lie? How long does one live in manufactured misery, knowing that each of you is not going to be happy ever again, resentment building and growing until something bad happens? Not only that, but this is no form of a marriage, where each hates the other. If we did as W suggested and did not divorce so the house would not get messed up, what kind of life would that be for either of us, let alone the kids. This is no way to bring up children. With the frustrations, the pain, the anger in the household, they are getting hurt now. Their impressions of family are being distorted, as we have already had questions from my 7 yr old about the differences between our family and other families. It hurts hearing my older daughter ask my MIL if mommy and daddy hate each other and why they argue so much. They will not have a correct view of how a family is supposed to function and love and support one another. 

We both have changed so much, and unfortunately, we have not changed together. Honestly, as the saying goes, she is more beautiful today than the day I married her. She has taken charge of so many things in her life - health, job hunting, learning, becoming more outgoing. Starting over, she would be a wonderful woman to get to know now. But for us, we just have too much "in the past", too many "things that have been said" to back up.

I don't hate my W. I hate the situation we are in. I have always been able to separate the person from the situation, where warranted. I know neither of us wanted to be where we are now. Sometimes I think back to the signs from 10 years ago that this might not be right, and they were ignored on both sides by romance and good times. This OM was not the reason this is happening, it is only why it is happening now. Although I hate this situation and what will happen to our family, I dread the day I leave to go to my apartment, watching and waving to the kids, there is no way we can live this lie and expect anything good to come out of it. The only good will be that we are free from each other, and the pain, stress and anguish we cause each other. The only good is that I am able look forward with a positive view to a new future with happiness. One that is in my control.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

A beautifully written post.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

knortoh said:


> A beautifully written post.


Thanks but I'm not a writer. I only can write what I feel. I'm a techie engineer. We don't write. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Very insightful post. Wonderful. I can feel your sense of moving forward. 

Also, that fact that you knew the reasons why your wife life to postpone the marriage. Not because of reconciliation but her own needs. Good call no1!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Thanks CW. I was suspicious, as what she was saying was such a 180 to what I had heard all along, and with what she was showing over the weekend. I know she is going through a hard time with all this, as I said, divorce is not a good answer. Its hard for everyone, even the one who files and says this is what they want.

Neither of us "want" this, but I dont think we can avoid it. There will be times coming up where we will feel things we can't even imagine right now. I'm not looking forward to that, for any of us. We are just going to have to move thru that and get to the other side to heal ourselves and move beyond the anger and bitterness.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

No1.Dad, I also live in IN. Actually I should say lived because now I'm in OH living with my parents.

I am also looking forward to different aspects of my single life. I am excited about my new job and where it will take me. I am already making plans to keep myself busy once I get the divorce finalized. I'd love to get more involved in my community, sign up for obedience school for my dog, start yoga or some type of exercise class, etc. 

It's hard to be positive and happy for the future when your future doesn't include a key person you wanted in your life.


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## Minne6 (Oct 19, 2009)

What you said was very insightful, it made me look at what am going thru.
Thank u


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

mls31 said:


> No1.Dad, I also live in IN. Actually I should say lived because now I'm in OH living with my parents.
> 
> I am also looking forward to different aspects of my single life. I am excited about my new job and where it will take me. I am already making plans to keep myself busy once I get the divorce finalized. I'd love to get more involved in my community, sign up for obedience school for my dog, start yoga or some type of exercise class, etc.
> 
> It's hard to be positive and happy for the future when your future doesn't include a key person you wanted in your life.


Mls- one comment- you say wanted. Is that person still there? Is that person the one that you are divorcing? Or is that person that you fell in love with gone? Think about that... Also check out meetup.com for activities. I have ended up getting involved with them thru a guy I work with. You may find a group with activities you wish to try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Minne6 said:


> What you said was very insightful, it made me look at what am going thru.
> Thank u


I get that same feeling most times i read posts here. Glad I can give back somehow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Yes that was a great post. 

I just wonder, (i haven't looked at other post) Why couples get married? They had to Love one another before they said I do...So after what period do they KNOW this is NOT the person for them?...was it after 3 months after they were married? Was there a long courtship and they knew then?...Why doesn't couples nurture their LOVE "for each other" in the beginning before the marriage? They do LOVE each other, right?...

and I don't believe IN SOUL MATES....sorry..

It's just sad, to bring children ...(i have two ) in this world and set them up for "this is what marriage is" DIVORCE. Sorry, but I think we just give up on relationship way to soon. I think we've lost our values...and I think that Men AND Women will say NO to marriage all together in our future...this is US or EVERYONE WHO has children teaching children how to work relationships... 

Why do it, (get married) if we are just going to "change down the road" and not "except change" down the road in our lifes? 

Divorce isn't the answer...

It's the way we communicate. We don't ask for what we truly want...because of fear? WHY is SO MANY marriage's A failure? Because MEN don't understand WOMEN? and WOMEN don't understand MEN?... 

That's what I want to know before my kids take the plunge...

This is what I have to look forward too in the future for my daughters...SINGLE?

Everyone NEEDS to stop and think of their "children" IN the LONG run of this decision...

David G. Eigen, Ph.D. â„¢ » Men Who Won’t Marry

I'm NOT saying we need to stay in abusive relationships just learn how to communicate...and get help...stop fighting...and get help...


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