# If a man talks & his wife is not present, is he still wrong?



## PaterFamilia (Jan 17, 2012)

After 20-plus years into our only marriage with 8 children, the wife goes kapoot and is seeing some prig who is a recovering alcoholic with 4 kids of his own. Now I learn that the other guy's 16-year old daughter is prego. What is a man to do when his wife is becomes completely irrational?

Despite our oldest (22) having lost his legs in Afghanistan, she files for divorce and furthermore, we still have minor children (15, 10, 8, and 6). I am filled with fears because she had went out of state --while I was doing some home renovation and still trying to reconcile by expressing my love and sending funds -- now, she can claim residency 900 miles away for the children. There is no way that this man can be decent, someone who could exploit a woman who is potentially in a mid-life crisis with such a large family and long history! His own children are promiscuous and drink/smoke in their home according to my 15-year old who has visited there with my wife.

Honestly, I believe my little wife is in a perfect storm. She grew up with no affection but rather abuse and at 43, she may be experiencing perimenopausal symptoms which, according to my research, can come 10-15 years before menopause. One lady says to get treatment for that women in crisis can do 1 crazy thing or 18. 

I have been watching tons of marriage help videos, like at this site  Love & Marriage - Video Answer by Dennis Rainey but it seems too little too late now. My heart breaks for the children, let alone my sense of mortification for having failed in the most important relationship on this side of heaven.

In the meantime, is all I can do is wait? Going up north where they are in a deeper depression would be impractical. I would be a pauper. Please post any prayers and advice.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I feel for you truly I do, as well as for your children...

What issues were you having(marriage) prior to her departure? Have you let her know what the conditions pending her return would be... have you had much success with your communication since she left? 

The children are hurting as you are but upon their return from their moms... I would listen to what they have to say, I would keep the questions to a min... you dont want them to put in the middle causing further pain with seeing the hurt it causes you as well as the feeling that they are forced to pick "sides" 

I send my prayers your way, and beg you to express details of these matters!


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## PaterFamilia (Jan 17, 2012)

Thank you for those comforting words of compassion. Details you want, details you shall have.

Admittedly, communication was stifled. When I did compliment my wife, she berated me with unbelief. I've read over a dozen books now on marriage and other related topics, like one called "The Wisdom of Menopause" and discovered that there is a number of emotional issues that foreshadowed this calamity.

For one, 17 years ago my wife thought she had a brain tumor. We went to a neurologist who diagnosed her headaches as typical. She was not satisfied and wanted blood work. Then years later she thought her fatigue was a thyroid problem. Now I am putting all of the puzzle together and think she may have been suffering from what is called "chronic low-grade depression". 

All of her life she struggled from the lack of a nurturing childhood where her love-tank should of had massive doses of respect, encouragement, comfort, security, support, acceptance, approval, appreciation, attention, and affection. 

While we were all together visiting our son, the Marine who was in the surgical phase from wounds suffered in the war, my wife coldly informs me, "This is about me! This is about me!" It obviously is.

Other than through prayer and fasting, is there anything I missed which I can practically do to woo my wife's affection again?


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Well I know someone similar to that... not for the lengths that you have although It does nothing more than discourage future hopes... 

First off... you do realize that the change is something that all women must go through and with the sexual peak as a result you may wont to reconsider your feelings towards it haha... 

JK.... a crack of a smile even? tough crowd...

As you pointed out she has had issues in the past, on top of her need to be the center of attention... 

I honesly believe that she is having a crisis of some kind and wouldnt be happy in any relationship right now so I wouldnt fear too much the gentleman she seeks the company of... however I dont think that getting through to her would be an effort that would be effective either... all I can say is for the love of god and the children, try try try!

Meanwhile IDK the arrangements you have with the children... but they need extra attention just as you do... the last thing anyone wants is for them to feel cast aside! 

I realize you are a man, dont worry I dont hold it against you, haha... but do you claim any fault with what has happened? Why did she go out of state for a home reno? I have re done two homes and never has my Husband had to leave... details as to marriage issues prior to such drastic action...

(side note...(editor and chief [myH] darling do I do better not sounding like an uptight text book bleep? Thank you for making me a better woman xo


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Also It is something that women dont do well... is age and take complements... that is a man thing to do... I tell my H he is looking sexy and he says I know... Women we use face cream, wrinkle cream, gallons of lotion, teeth whitening tooth paste we shave and pluck... need less to say we like our efforts to be recognized.


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

Oof. 

It sounds like you and your family are very stressed out. I agree with questioning along the lines of what were things like before she left? What would have to change to heal your relationship? Perhaps she just, well, kind of lost it, for lack of a tactful term under all the stress. I don't know how to advise you other than try to respect the distance she desires while keeping in communication, if that is what you want.


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## PaterFamilia (Jan 17, 2012)

Thank you all so very much for zeroing in with such thoughtful advice (not to mention the lightheartedness – without some laughter my head would probably pop off).

Jbear, I didn't realize you were a woman! I honestly thought you were the husband. No problem here, as my own mother is a woman. But jokes aside, I am grateful to you as I need both perspectives. 

Undeniably, I do feel my wife is in a crisis, a perfect storm collision. There is the flashbacks from the empty chasm of positive affirmations that were absent in her formative years. Then losing both of those parents without true healing. Additionally, I've read how that soy actually has hormones in it. The wife was on a low-carb diet for two full years before she left, consuming gallons of soymilk filled with phytoestrogens. I would never have believed that such chemicals were present in a legume, but I understand that they are all over the environment. Could this have prompted a pre-menopausal condition? :-/

To answer some questions, I told my wife early on that I take enormous blame. I apologized specifically, for when I was overwhelmed by her disagreeable behavior, I emotionally abandoned much of these situations. It just seemed unfruitful to belabor them. She clammed up too and I figured that over time, my own deeds and actions would confirm my love and loyalty toward her. I know NOW how mistaken I was.

So, what is left for me but to try and show unconditional love. Maybe a first real-world demonstration that the wife has ever experienced in life. Being a product myself of a broken home, I knew how important it was to provide my wife a high standard that few other men could live up to in my example. I have sought further to show my wife supernatural agape love ... love that is not affected by the other person's response, nor dependent upon circumstances.

What would have to change to heal the relationship? That is a great question. I hate to lay that all on my wife. I guess she would have a long list though. She would say that I must show more affection. I feared rejection and tried to make my overtures (or more like gestures) more subtle. Little compliments here and there, grabbing her hand while walking into a shopping center, etc. I would have liked to have witnessed a little more faith from my wife for my opinions and decisions. Whenever my wife was adamant, I would most always defer to my wife. You know the old saying, 'happy wife; happy life'. 

Someone else said that married men live longer, but they are more willing to die - lol.

I make this wisecrack because sometimes I wish I would have stood my ground. Some of the renovations we started were impractical, that I feel she manipulated me into. Oh, this reminds me, my wife left not because the home needed some renovations, but she had become increasingly irrational and there was arguing and strife. She had already started an emotional affair with the "other guy", and I was working long hours. Her impatience with me now makes perfect sense.

One of the truths that I gleamed in my readings is that, comparing divorces to marriage, it is believed that both of them actually have the same number of conflicts. Invariably, when one spouse refuses to make any effort toward rectifying their issues between them – managing through the process of marriage – then there are internal conflicts that this uncooperative spouse apparently has not faced. Thus, they take these internal conflicts into their next marriage...

...and into their next! 

The greatest question that still lingers is how to respect the distance and keep the allusion of "friendly" communication? For, even though I agree that my wife's present relationship is more of an infatuation, (the root need being fed here now is her consolation) nevertheless, she banishes me from her presence with the children. A good example was a Wounded Warrior sponsored dinner where she (still my wife and mother of our children, as the final divorce hearing is still ahead of us) refused to sit with me and the children. So, I left her eat with them alone and went back to the hospital with my recovering son.

So I react now by sending text messages, quoting facts about marriage and divorce. Sometimes I really do try, try, try. I have express my undying love, though she is not accustomed to hearing this. But believe it, little woman! Truth is, aside from the soul-saving, peace-filled, salvation experience that marked the highest point of my life, there is no other place that I'd rather be than having pure intimacy with my wife.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

What a gift for expression, and you sound...ahhh like me. haha

I am surprised that you couldnt tell my gender from my post for I read things posted and peg right away the gender and have it confirmed in their profile info...

You have read the book the 5 love needs havent you  It sounds like all your actions have been justified and selfless... for you think so much more of her than you do yourself. You take blame for things not placing blame for her actions but blame for how to you react or feel towards her actions! You seek medical, or environmental reasons for her behavior...You write novels and although I rather enjoy the reading you sound what has been defined like a text book...

I can relate to what you speak of with your spouse, the issues and even unpractical reno's Your wife seeming so very much like my H is so many ways... Your like the Male version of me (I say completely to flatter myself...)

Now... advice 

It sounds like you are doing very much all that you can, trying when others would have given up long ago. I am sure you would bend over backwards to please and affirm her and I pray that she comes around! 

Some advice that I have been too stubborn to take is stop trying
like a custards last stand one fell blow and silence... I dont know how that would work but if it comes out with a favorable result... do let me know. 

We are here to offer our support and remember you are never alone!!! Keep us posted!


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## PaterFamilia (Jan 17, 2012)

This was obviously a divine appointment. It seems that our relationships are inverted representations of the other, lol. One distinct difference between us being that you are a natural, with effortless flow and intuition. I have to stretch my capacity to strive in being a wordsmith, only to keep my thoughts and impressions as precisely as possible. 

This brings out a common entanglement or breakdown in our communication between the spouse and I. At times the wife could be critical about my position taken regarding the children, the home, or whatnot; although, it seems that often her interpretation of my meaning would seem clouded by emotions or maybe a critical spirit. Unfortunately, this was probably due to the boundaries being mowed down by betrayal early in her childhood.

Nearing what may be the final hearing, I am at a greater peace for the way this is going. Your advice to give it my all and then fade out, pretty much represents my course I am heading, but now with less reluctance.

Indeed, I shall give an update. These were very pleasing discussions and I really cannot thank you enough for the positive affirmations. We expend some of our time and emotional reserves to involve ourselves in another's affairs. For this I am heartfelt grateful to you! May God's blessings descend upon you!


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