# Sexual Incompatability



## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Question - I keep reading all these posts about people with trouble in their marriage regarding sex. And people replying how to spice up their love life, how to communicate, all these things to improve things in the bedroom.

Well, what does one do when they have NO desire for their husband, no attraction whatsoever. That the thought of touching them, kissing them, having sex with them is like doing it with a brother or close friend? 

I have not felt these any attraction for my husband for YEARS, there is nothing. We have some other issues too, but overall things are OK, we are great friends, we have three older children, we have time for sex - but I have NO interest. 

Yes, we are going to go to therapy, but feel as if that is not going to make any difference. How can talking to some other person make me feel a natural attraction that is not there. 

I have never found my husband sexy, his "smell" turns me off, his body turns me off, his mannerisms, behaviors, etc. 

When I met him and married him, there was some initial attraction, but mostly on a friend basis. I fell in love with him because we were such great friends, he was good to me and I knew he would be compatible in other areas. So I kinda put the sexual thing "on the back burner" and believed maybe it would come, or even that it was ok not to have that strong sexual attraction, that that isn't really important, not going to get your through years of marriage. 

Well, I have discovered over the years that it IS very important. It has caused BIG problems in our marriage. We both have needs and it's not fair to either one of us. I'm pretty much OK with no sex, but I know my husband isn't and I feel really bad. But I just can't stomach doing it anymore. I have been doing it over the years out of obligation or after a few glasses of wine, so I can emotionally deal. 

I really do not want to have sex with him ever again, I know that. It's been over 10 years and I don't see me ever having that natural attraction to him. 

What to do?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I read your other posts and I think therapy would help you have an active sex life in your situation. You are repulsed by your husband, and those feelings weren't there in the beginning of the relationship.

I think you are also questioning whether or not you actually want an active sex life with your husband. I'm just typing keys on a board here, but it "feels" like from where I'm sitting that you are deeply upset that you are missing out on love and that's a tough thing to get past.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Yes, Chefmaster - you are totally correct. I have not been in love with my husband for years...basically staying married for kids, keep family together. I'm from divorced parents, so it's the last thing I want to do really. But I am also so conflicted because I am miserable without that intimate connection, kissing someone (I LOVE to kiss, I would rather do that than sex actually, I find it very romantic and intimate.) I have not kissed my husband in years. He will give me a peck and I just do it to do it, but it's very strange and does not feel right to me. Like I said, like kissing a friend or brother. 

I love him in so many ways and he is the father of my children. I can stay with him and make it work, our relationship can get better in other ways, the other issues. He is already trying to improve and I appreciate that. I think because this time we talked I was brutally honest and he saw me so emotional and almost have a breakdown last week. I have never acted like that. In the past we've fought, I've criticized him, etc. Well, no more. I'm all done with that and I think for the first time he actually realizes that I've given up and things are really bad.

I've told him I love him in so many ways, but am pretty sure I will never want to have sex with him, be attracted to him. That is a tough thing to say and for someone to hear. But I had to be honest. No more lies. I also told him I had been attracted to other people in the past and even recently have been. I told him I was worried if things kept the way they were going, one of us would cheat, and it would probably be me! I am not a very nice person, I know this. I am also dealing with a lot of guilt. 

Why can't I be happy? Why am I not attracted to him? He is decent looking, a great guy in many ways. He is not perfect, neither am I. Why does he repulse me and I know in my heart I will never feel sexual towards him EVER.

No therapy is going to put something back in my heart, sorry. When it comes down to it, you can talk and talk and talk and get advice after advice...but you have to listen to what is in your heart and trust your gut feelings.


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

I can only speak from your husband's point of view:

My wife was like you once, hated how I spoke, my attitude, etc. Well, everything but the smell thing, but you get my point. I had to make an active effort to seduce her and be romantic. I also found that what helped was going on a 'mini-vacation' away from the kids. When is the last time you guys took a road-trip of vacation of sorts? Where it was just the two of you, in a romantic place, with a romantic setting, etc? Do you think that would help at all? To rekindle lost feelings, so to speak?

Do you feel sexual, at all? Honestly? I know you're here for a reason, and you say it's one thing. But can it really be you just aren't sexual? When is the last time you had sex? Masturbated? Had a vivid thought sexual in nature? Aroused? etc..


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

To drastiq: Yes, I feel the urge, just not for him. I masturbate sometimes, get horny maybe once a month...not a huge sexual person, but sometimes. Like I said, I have met men, one recently that I really connected with, was VERY attracted to and who made me very horny and turned on. 

And my husband and I have gone away without the kids, probably once a year. I have always been the one to make the plans, to get away, try to "rekindle". We have been to some really romantic places, but it never works. We have a good time together, enjoy each other's company, out to eat, etc. But once "romantic" time comes around, I have to force it, or have a few drinks in me. It's never "natural". I'm talking probably three or four vacations. Even on vacation with kids...they will be in different bedroom, dead asleep and we have the opportunity to have sex...no thanks. I do not want it with him. Don't look at him like that. 

This is NOT normal, I know. And not fair to him. Really stuck in a tough spot here. If I didn't have kids, I would divorce him. I would have YEARS ago, this I know. But throw three wonderful children into the mix...makes things very complicated. We have a pretty good life other than the sex issue. Well, over the years there have been other issues, which probably contributed to me distancing from him and falling out of love with him, if I really ever was really in the first place. Which I am beginning to question, as I was 25 and really rushed into the relationship. I remember being unsure even on our wedding day! Not good.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I feel bad for you.

I am still so attracted to my husband, even after 25 years, that just his kiss or the touch of his hand makes my knees go weak! I wish I wasn't attracted, then the lack of sex that we are experiencing now wouldn't be such a problem for me.

If you have no attraction to him, then you can't love him like you should as his wife (which you've already recognized).

I could never stick it out if I wasn't attracted to my husband. I don't know how you do it. You're right, it isn't fair to you, the kids or him.

Kids or no kids - if I didn't love my husband, I would not and could not stay. Have you thought about leaving so you can find the love, thrill and passion that you are missing? What is keeping you there - just the children?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mr B said:


> I understand where you're coming from 100% I am in a 22 year sexless marriage and lost interest in my wife sexually even before we got married. I did however want to be part of a family and have kids. We only had sex a few times in the first few years we were married and when she finally decided to have kids it was really a matter of me holding my nose in order to conceive. It was really hard because I had trouble getting and keeping an erection because I simply had no sexual desire for her.
> 
> On the advice of a therapist we tried watching porn on the TV in the bedroom and that allowed me to get it up enough in order to cum as long as I kept my eyes firmly fixed on the screen.
> 
> ...


NO WAY COULD I DO THIS. Family, kids or no kids. If I had to close my nose to have sex with my husband, then I'd drather be alone. 

Kudo's to you is all I have to say. My issues pale in comparison - I and my husband love each other and I LOVE to be close and have sex with him, anytime, anyday.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

MarriedinLove - You have what I have dreamed of...I know your relationship is probably not perfect and every relationship has issues, ups and downs. 

Some people tell me I am selfish and that with any marriage the sex is going to simmer down, or there will be other issues. "The grass is never greener on the other side" philosophy. 

I refuse to believe that! I have to believe and have faith that there is someone for me who will be "the whole package" for me...a best friend, someone who I have a deep connection to, things in common. Not everything I understand, but you know what I mean. AND sexually attracted to from the get go. Someone I look at and melt and find SO attractive. 

I believe I have met that person...but of course wrong timing. I am married and he is not. Everything about this person "fits", but we just can't be together b/c of circumstances and we both understand that and have backed off. It is the hardest thing to find that person at 43 years old and nothing you can do about it. To have that sexual attraction, plus SO many connections, it's amazing. It's very depressing and hard to handle. I feel like someone died, not having communication with this person. It's a major loss, but I'll be OK. If it's meant to be, it will. Just maybe later. I just am keeping the faith that maybe some day we will meet again, so I can see if that connection is still there and didn't die. Then I will know. 

But for now I am going to try with my husband ONE more time, go to therapy, talk about stuff. Even though I don't think it's going to make a difference, I'll try. 

To the other poster - I could NEVER have a sex buddy. For me sex is VERY special and intimate and I have to really feel an emotional connection to that person. Everyone is different, I understand. I WISH I could do that, actually! Wow, would that make things a lot easier! And if my husband would agree to an "open relationship". God, I wish I could do that...but no such luck.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

First off, unless there was a medical reason for my DH not having sex with me I would've leave him after the first year of no sex, did I read your post correct when you said you haven't had sex with him in 10 years? Maybe I read it wrong I don't know but if that is right then wtf are you still doing with him? Like say for instance if DH got into an accident and was paralyzed I obviously wouldn't leave him b/c we couldn't have sex ever again, something like that I would just deal, buy lots of toys and make the best of it. But if he just wasn't attracted to me, and didn't want to, then I would be OUT. I don't care how much I "get along" with a person, or how good of a friend they are screw that. Sex is important, people act like sex ruins relationships, no LACK OF SEX ruins relationships. You aren't in love with your husband b/c you have no connection, you have no connection b/c you have no sex.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I think if you are not in love with your husband then sex is the least of your worries. Ofcourse you dont want sex with him if you don't love him and he turns you off in all the ways you mentioned. In my opinion (which is different to a lot of peoples, lol) even if you did have great sex, you would not just magically fall in love with him again. Sex is good but it's not magic! You would have good sex but you still would not love him as a person. Sex is not a magical cure-all in a relationship. It will not fix all your problems. Maybe look into why you are not in love with him first, and then if you can fix that bit up, then consider the sex part. It is secondary.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I admire you for at least trying, yes, I do have issues in my marriage too - but love and sexual attraction (from my end) are not an issue, so this helps me to hang in there and work everything else out.

My first marriage was abusive and the love and sexual attraction went quick and when it did, nothing was left for me (and yes, we had a small child). I couldn't live with someone that I didn't want to touch me or that I couldn't look at with love, regardless of the other issues.

I hope things work out the way you want them to, if not in your marriage, then in another relationship. You, at least, deserve that (and so does your husband).


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Mr. B - If that worked for you, that's great. Everyone is different and must do what is right for them. 

I don't think I could have an "open marriage", 100% my husband would never agree to that. And I am the kind of person I could not have sex for just the physical part of it, to fullfill my sexual desires. I need that emotional connection. I need to be in love. So with that being said, how can I be in love with another man/person and remain married? 

I am thinking I am just the kind of person who should not be married. Some can make it work over the years and be satisfied, some can not. Not everyone is cut out for a forever marriage to one person. Unfortunately, some of us find out a little too late...getting married too young and too quickly caused that problem.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You should look into some hormonal issues. The fact you only get horny once/month and then you confuse your horniness with meeting another guy. . .it doesn't smack right to me. You're searching.

The truth is a normal sex drive is like this for married couples (IMHO):

WIFE (thinking to herself):
"Okay, I'm in the mood. I am not particularly attracted to my husband today. He was bent over the sink and I saw the crack of his butt when he was repairing the garbage disposal and that didn't look that sexy and now he's drinking beer and watching football.

And he's wearing that holey Eagles shirt and scratching himself.

But you know what, I'll turn out the lights and fantasize about Clay Aiken." (my ex-wife had a thing for him)

HUSBAND (thinking to himself)
"Okay, I'm in the mood (always). Well, it looks like my wife is wearing that ugly sweats and those stupid-looking Uggs again. It wouldn't hurt her to put on some heels once awhile and well, she didn't put on any make-up this morning either but damn it, I'm horny.

I'll just employ those boss and secretary fantasy. I'll pretend she's my secretary."

You are saying, "He's decent-looking but I am not attracted to him."

You see how attraction and sex aren't always linked in marriage? A normal sex drive "settles" for what is in front of you (sometimes, not always).

Damn. . .if sex were always linked to attraction, we'd all have half the kids we have now.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Mr. B - So are you saying it's been worth it? Sacrificing that intimate connection, sex, hugging, kissing, etc. for your family? Did you discuss that with your wife and you both made the decision together to make that sacrifice for the kids/family? So your wife isn't having any sex either? I guess people do that and I am strongly considering it as well. It just makes me SO sad to realize I will NEVER feel that way towards another human being again. Yes, I love my husband in a deep way because we have 18 years together, memories, kids, etc. But I know that I will never be sexually attracted to him, find him sexy, want to touch him, take in his smell, look in his eyes like that, etc. Never going to happen. That is dead for me. I love him on a different level. 

He knows this. I have told him. I also told him I met someone and kissed someone. He is heartbroken and things are not good right now. He will probably never trust me again and I don't blame him. We will go to counseling, and I know that we can improve certain aspects of our relationship, but I feel that that sexual connection won't come back. 

I want sex, just not with him. So I guess I shouldn't be married then, right? Or stay married to keep family together and masturbate for rest of my life...I just don't know. 

I wish I could just make a decision! It is so scary. I know I would be fine with a divorce, but terrified about how kids would do. When we've had fights in the past, my youngest has said, "you guys aren't going to get a divorce, are you?" Oh my, that broke my heart. Always told my kids, "No"...

God, I wish I didn't have a conscious and I could have a friend with benefits...

But I guess we can't have our cake and eat it to, can we?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

sadmel said:


> But for now I am going to try with my husband ONE more time, go to therapy, talk about stuff. Even though I don't think it's going to make a difference, I'll try.


If you are convinced it won't work it won't. I very rarely advise people to get divorced but I see no other option for you. 

Your husband married you assuming that you were attracted to him and now finds himself in a loveless marriage. How tragic for him. Divorce. Get it over with and give him a chance to find someone who can love him like a wife - not 'like a friend'. 

Stop stringing him along with counseling when you have already decided it isn't going to work.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks Jamisa for being brutally honest. This is how I feel in my heart, although the logical part of me thinks maybe "give it a chance", we could get to some level of understanding...for the kids. But to not have a true sexual, intimate connection. I am just fooling myself. You are right. I know it is not fair to him. I love him and he deserves to be loved 100% in all the right ways. He knows this too, just very hard to walk away after 18 years and with three children, including two teenagers. Awful awful awful. 

But if I have felt this way for five to ten years, just having sex for him, to fulfill his needs, not mine, not wanting to have sex, even kiss him - I think that is my answer, right?

He is convinced with time and therapy those feelings can come back. I just don't see that happening. I don't think I have it in me. I am too damaged. I just don't think I am that kind of person. Some can do it, some cannot. 

It just breaks my heart to break his, and my childrens, family, friends. 18 years of connections. I don't know how we are going to emotionally get through it all. I feel so selfish. Why can't I just try to be happy, get by, make it work. Just give in, have sex with him, even if I don't want to. But he will know every time...now that he knows how I truly feel. I will be living a lie in a way. God, I wish sex was NOT important - because other than that, we could make it work and be happy! I could live without sex, I think. I think I could accept that. I know he couldn't though. Not fair.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> NO WAY COULD I DO THIS. Family, kids or no kids. If I had to close my nose to have sex with my husband, then I'd drather be alone.


Ditto. I find this really hard to understand. 

It is not a marriage if you are not attracted to the person, it is a twisted form of prostiution - instead of money you are getting kids and family life. 

I can't imagine doing this to somebody, surely it is your duty to end the marriage and give them a chance at happiness?


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Yes, I do agree and love him enough to want him to be happy and have what he deserves. It's the thought of what a divorce does to kids that is so hard. If you have kids, you will understand. We all make sacrifices I guess and do what is best for our kids. Not to say that staying married when you don't want to, is best...that is the dilemma.

Stay in a marriage where you get along and things are OK, but no intimacy? What is that teaching your children?

Or divorce and all the crap that goes along with that - is that worse? I think so in many ways. 

When you have kids, you will do ANYTHING, including sacrificing your own happiness and desires, to make them happy. That is part of being a parent. 

It is tough...


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

The post above was in response to Mr B, not you.

I know what you mean about kids, I do have them and know that I would do anything to save them pain. The other side of that coin is that kids are also very sensitive to the general atmosphere, which can't be that good if you have had two affairs and you don't love your husband (as a husband anyway). 

You have to decide which is worse, a bad marriage or a divorce. I know that when my parents divorced the relief was palpable, as the fighting finally stopped.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

"We all make sacrifices I guess and do what is best for our kids"

You people keep saying this. I doubt that's what's best for your kids. I've grown up in a family JUST like you describe. I knew from an early age my parents weren't into each other and a couple. I could sense their lack of sexuality, affection, attraction from miles away probably since i was 5-6 years old. 

They didn't really get into fights (because of us kids, obviously) so they were just room mates getting along fairly well. But if you asked me at about 10 what i thought of my parents, i'd say i just don't get it why they didn't divorce. They didn't have a marriage in my view, they had a sham and it was obvious to me that they were both miserable. 

Just so you know...not saying all kids on the planet are the same. But i doubt most of them are unaware that their parents are just in it out of obligation.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sadmel said:


> Question - I keep reading all these posts about people with trouble in their marriage regarding sex. And people replying how to spice up their love life, how to communicate, all these things to improve things in the bedroom.
> 
> Well, what does one do when they have NO desire for their husband, no attraction whatsoever. That the thought of touching them, kissing them, having sex with them is like doing it with a brother or close friend?
> 
> ...


WOW, every husbands worst nightmare 

If I were you I would tell your husband that your sorry for wasting his best youthfull years.That you made a horrable mistake thinking that sex and attraction wasn't important in a marriage.That you are unhappy and so is he. That the best thing is to part ways.That you won't rake him over the cools the assets should be devided equally or slightly in his favor and you are forver sorry for being selfish by letting this sherade go on for so long deceving him by acting like you love him.

In your twisted thinking you stayed in this marriage so you didn't HURT him now the hurt is much more tremendous.


By your post you can tell you have checked out a long time ago.

very sad!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Funny how people with no knowledge or experience with sexless marriages are so quick to criticize and show little sympathy for those who are living through this difficult situation. And they are always taking the side of the refused spouse rather than attempting to understand those who, for whatever reason have no sexual desire for their partners.
> 
> People should understand that in a sexless marriage you have two people who are not having sex or enjoying an intimate relationship.
> 
> ...


Many people have a great deal of sympathy for people unlucky to be in a sexless marriage and there are many very supportive people on the forum. I don't think there are separate rooms for the various marital problems but people roam around and there is much cross pollination. Your life is different on many levels, , although you are not having sex in you marriage, your relationsip does not appear to be a sexless marriage, per se. 

Sexless marriages are emotionally devestating relationships where passion leaves a loving marriage because one person decides not to have sex. Your situation seems different, it appears you did not marry for love or passion. You seemed to have dispassionately assembled a unit of people around you for companions. The woman who is your wife never held you fantasy. Couples in sexless marriage don't start out loveless and asexual like you started your marriage., quite the contrary. So if you are not garnering sympathy it may be that your definition of sexless marriage is different from most others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Funny how people with no knowledge or experience with sexless marriages are so quick to criticize and show little sympathy for those who are living through this difficult situation. And they are always taking the side of the refused spouse rather than attempting to understand those who, for whatever reason have no sexual desire for their partners.
> 
> People should understand that in a sexless marriage you have two people who are not having sex or enjoying an intimate relationship.


There is a difference between finding yourself in a sexless marriage through unfortunate circumstances and knowingly going into a marriage with someone who repulses you because it gets you what you want. 

You said you were worried that because you were getting older you weren't going to get a family so you sentenced someone to a passionless, loveless life in order to satisfy your own needs. 



Mr B said:


> It is a myth that a spouse who has no sexual desire for their husband or wife is not interested in sex at all. On the contrary the vast majority of refusing spouses in sexless marriages have perfectly normal sex drives. But without attraction there is simply no way anyone can have desire. It is impossible.


As you said yourself you knew this before you married her, but you went ahead anyway. Surely the right thing to do would have been to move on and give her a chance of finding real love?



Mr B said:


> Those those of you who are happily married why not go post in threads having to do with the circumstances you are lucky enough to be living


If you think one of us has broken the forum rules report us, otherwise I am afraid you have no control over where we post.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

All I am saying is don't judge a person until you walk in their shoes. Everyone makes mistakes and makes bad decisions. Being responsible and living with the consequences is admirable.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am not sure we are judging so much as we are sympathasizing with the husband.

Look. . .I still stand by what I said. It's normal to lose some amount of attraction but a normal level of "hornyness" should kick in and override the thrill you wish to seek from having sex with another man.

You are thinking, "Well, I just don't want to have sex with him. If I found Mr. Right. . .well then, all of the sudden, I'd be a sexy hot tamale."

I doubt it.

I mean, I don't know how to say this tactfully so I am just going to blurt it out - at a certain point, we all need to grow up.

Prince Charming isn't coming to take you way and make love to you in Camelot on a white flowing bed. Fabio isn't going to sweep you up on his white steed and make love to you on the beach.

For men, you aren't getting to convert your house into a harem.

A normal male and female husband and wife occasionally turn out the lights, close their eyes and fantasize about someone else and that's perfectly normal and in the end, they still both enjoy each other's bodies and souls and have a connection. 

I'm sorry. . .that's the DEAL in marriage. You get married and you agree to still have sex with your wife, even if she put on 20 pounds and is wearing Uggs and you agree to have sex (and enjoy it!) when your man is fixing the garbage disposal and you saw his butt crack.

The fact you can't do this tells me something is askew in your sexual response. You are being way too picky if you can't have enjoyable sex with your husband. If you have a man, who is decent looking, takes care of himself, can get a hard on, doesn't smell and is raring to go, that should be good enough for you.

Honestly, I think you need a grandmother to talk to you vs. an internet forum.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Moral of the Story: 

We all settle.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Moral of the Story:
> 
> We all settle.


I don't agree with that comment at all. I didn't settle. I married the man who cranked my gears and was my intellectual equal. I have never, ever, lost my attraction to him physically and yes, his brain is a huge turn on for me.

I doubt he settled either. He pursued me for years while I had other boyfriends. He finally got me. He has told me for years that I am the "love of his life". I believe it, he just doesn't back it up with action.

Sadly, now he has me and doesn't seem to want to do the needed stuff to keep me around. 

2011 is my New Year. He is either on board or I am done. 

It is what it is.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

@Mr B
Here's my opinion. Sexless marriage means a whole lot of misery for both spouses. The spouse who's not getting any could be perceived as slightly more miserable because often that person has to put up with their spouses' affairs too. 

There's nothing worse for a person's mind and emotional health than to be refused by your loved one and that person going and giving what YOU want to a total stranger. Someone cheating on you when you have a decent sex life and your needs are met is one thing. Someone cheating on you when you go without sex for years is really, really hurtful. Doesn't matter if she knows or not. You aren't married to her just when she's around...I'm not judging you. I know
the spouse who isn't in the mood isn't particularly happy either. 

As for the kids in the marriage, they can definitely sense that something's wrong with their parents. Kids feel sexuality from a pretty young age and they don't develop properly if they sense their parents aren't "really married" aka as man and wife. Trust me on this one. If you don't trust me, trust the hundreds of psychologists that studied the evolution of kids based on their parents behavior. 

So in your attempt to keep a marriage together....aren't you all kind of miserable? Wouldn't you still be a family if divorced? Your kids would still be your kids. You could still take care of your ex wife if you chose to. Am i missing anything here? I just don't get it. 

It's clear to me that it's a complicated situation, don't get me wrong but i think you're making it complicated when you could simplify it. Sure, you'd all be hurt for a while, but with honesty and explaining what your problem is you'd all recover and move on with your lives.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Brennan,

Is your h taking lessons from my stbxw? Does he think you will stay if this continues? 

I told w a while back what I needed, she said - I give great BJ's once a week when I feel like it, sometimes I go two weeks, why do you want intercourse several times a week? I said listen to what I'm saying, respect what I'm saying, the result - I'm here, she's there, its too late to for her to say "Makeover, I now want to f**k you blind five times a day, seven days a week". Its over. 

Sorry he's stopped making love, I know how much that hurts.

Stbxw is in CT, I've been in SF since Nov 18, the previous three years without intercourse, without being allowed to kiss large swathes of her body, she spending long hours at work or wrapped up in her computer, listening to music at mind numbing levels on her noise blocking headphones when home, killed my love for her.

Today's my birthday, I'm celebrating it and a month of my new life. I am happy, a lovely woman has become a close friend, we match on many levels including libido, SF is a wonderful city for a pedestrian who sometimes uses mass transit, the weather, although damper than I'd like, is so much better than New England's, I spend an hour or two outside daily.

There is life after marriage!



Brennan said:


> I doubt he settled either. He pursued me for years while I had other boyfriends. He finally got me. He has told me for years that I am the "love of his life". I believe it, he just doesn't back it up with action.
> 
> Sadly, now he has me and doesn't seem to want to do the needed stuff to keep me around.
> 
> ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mr B said:


> I will admit that people like me, who suffered trauma in childhood and can't function sexually in a close intimate relationship (because of sexual anxiety) and therefore if they want a sex life must only be in sexual relationships where the other person is kept at arms length and relationship kept short in duration, should never marry. And that was my mistake.
> 
> My defense is that I had no idea this was the case 23 years ago. I thought, as did my therapists, that I was simply suffering from some kind of fixable desire/erectile problem and I spent years trying to get it fixed. My wife and I put our faith in Sex Therapy which was a huge mistake because it attempted to treat symptoms not the root problem and therefore, after years of trying it ultimately failed.
> 
> ...


I don't understand your situation at all. You mentioned before that you had no sexual attraction for you wife even before you got married and that sex with her was awful for you. Shouldn't you then be happy that you haven't had sex with her in nearly 2 decades? What am I missing here? :scratchhead:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mr B said:


> It is not that I am happy or unhappy about not having sex with her. What I am unhappy about is that I cannot have the kind of sex life that allows me to enjoy the experience because I want to be part of a family. I'm torn between the two. There is no attraction but that doesn't matter, even if there was the same thing would have happened. It is marriage itself that is the problem and this would have happened with any women I had married. The attraction thing is just one part of the story and since I already wrote about it and Nekko still didn't seem to understand I filled in a few gaps in my story but there is still way more. Too much for a forum like this. I could write a book. If a half a dozen trained therapists couldn't figure it out I suppose I can't expect people on here to either.
> 
> Still my root problem is actually quite common. And it strikes men the hardest because men cannot function sexually without desire and the anxiety kills that. When there is no relationship there is no anxiety and when there is no anxiety the sex is great.


Why did you marry her then? I don't get it. If you just wanted children, why not pay a surrogate to have children for you? Why be married to a woman you have never found attractive and cheat on? That to me seems awfully cruel. Gutwrenching, actually.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

@MrB.

No, Ok. I understand your situation now, thanks for taking the time to explain. I was a bit closed-minded when trying to explain that you should "simplify" things because they are in fact complicated. 

That anxiety thing you talk about. I understand you've been to a zillion therapists. Ever try to change the way you view your wife and the importance you place on her?

Try and get Ester Perel's book Mating in Captivity. She talks about several guys and gals who drop desire completely when in relationships, because of childhood abuse and things like that. Might help.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Mr B:

You wrote that you were not sexually attracted to your wife even before marriage. 

I am genuinly interested in one thing: what is it that she in particular has had going for her so much in your opinion that completely outweighed the, I guess, basic need for sexual attraction (I mean sexual attraction is kinda expected to be there, it is something people don't put into words, because it is naturally expected). I understand your need to have a family, kids etc, but why did you choose her in particular? You had a choice of all women to have a family with, since any woman would do. So why her in particular?

For example, I know of a guy who got married to a 300+ pound woman, even though he would have preferred a much skinnier gf/wife. However, she looked up to him so much in all things and for him, that was the thing that completely outweighed the weight issue.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Mr. B - don't worry about "sabotaging" this post...I am glad you are able to voice your situation and concerns and gotten people to understand what you are going through. I am glad this post got that going for you. 
As for me, I am trying very hard to keep an open mind, will go to counseling next week and see what she has to say. But the main thing I am going to do is listen to my HEART. Logic tells you one thing, but I think what it comes down to is listening to your gut, your heart. Doing what is best for my husband and for me. And staying for the kids should not really be an option. If I am unhappy in the marriage and cannot give my husband what he deserves or cannot stay faithful, then there is the answer. If I've already "left", then that is not fair to anyone and I would only be living a lie if I stayed. I will go to counseling and give it some time. At this point, that is all I can do. He is being wonderful, and understanding, and I still feel the same, emotionally dead inside. He says I do not have an open mind about things, about things improving. Well, as I said, it is not my mind, it is my heart. I know that's wrong and I should be forgiving of the past and everything that has happened, but at this point I know it is much more than that. People feel what they feel and sometimes it is too late and nothing can change that. Sometimes things CAN change and improve, sometimes they can't. So I will give things time and counseling a chance because at this point I just don't know and don't have any answers.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

For some marriage as it is set up in our culture is a blissful long term commitment. For others it is a sexual trap. If we could change marriage somehow, make it more flexible like it is in many European and Latin American countries, then many people wouldn't suffer like they do now. I wish you good luck in sorting things out. Sometimes therapy CAN help.


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