# Passive Agressive



## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

I'm really starting to see all the 'passive agressive' behavior as we are trying to R. Our marriage problems always seem to be my fault, he tries to loop everything back to me. Yes, I was the one who cheated and take responsiblity for it, but what about our issues for the last 13yrs. I used to be very secure and now find myself very insecure and emotionally drained. I want to talk alot to him about everything and anything, he knows that I need communication from him yet instead of being there to listen he just get upset and says "sorry that he can't listen to me like my EA partners did". When we struggle with money issues and have to reign in on spending for the month or what not, he get upset and appoligizes for not making a million dollars. (We started with nothing, and I've never been upset that he doesn't make more money, never wished for more) 

Last night we were talking about what I could do more or less of, etc. Things he asked of me and how things made me feel. But when the tables are turned on him and I ask if he could be more or less of something. It's always my fault why he behaves that way and doesn't or won't come up with ideas to change instead it my fault and I need to change. So the night ended very unsettled and I needed to go to bed I began to go up the stairs and his comment was "don't you want a hug?" (What my head was saying.....I do but if you don't want to willingly give me one, then don't.) Kept my thoughts to myself and I came back down the stairs and stopped thinking he was going to meet me, instead he's didn't move and his response was "what is this a game to see if I meet you 1/2 way". I then turned and walked away.

Looking back he's always been passive aggressive (even with our children), but my patience is running thin trying to R after my affairs. Our MC gives lots of advise but he continues to ask "why do I have to change if she is the one who had the affair?" He says I'm doing everything right regarding openness, transparency but his destructive behavior to our marriage is still my fault in a round about way? 

Just coping....


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

First off, having "affairs" is fairly passive/aggressive in and of itself. Wouldn't you agree?
I think it must be very difficult, once you have the knowledge that your are the type of person that has affairs(pl)(by definition one of the most emotionally abusive acts a spouse can perpetrate) to sort out who really caused most of the problems in the marriage pre affair. This is because many cheaters, in an effort to combat the cognitive dissonance cuased by attempting to reconcile their view of themselves with their abusive behavior, really skew the pre affair marriage view such that the betrayed caused most of the problems in their eyes.
So, i wonder if, in reality, with your own history of abuse and passive/ aggressive behavior, you are being fair to your husband in characterizing him this way.
Studies show that, in most cases, it was the cheater who was less invested in the marriage and resposnible for the majority of the pre affair problems. makes sense, doesn't it, since the cheating by itself shows a lack of integrity, poor communication skills, a lack of empathy, and poor problem solving skills.
Perhaps you need to step back and really inquire of yourself whether your perception of your husband is accurate or merely a way to make you feel beeter about yourself and your actions.
Pre affair problems need to be addressed. But, IMO, they need to take a backseat until the BS has healed sufficiently from the trauma.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Read what Arnold said again. 

It's a harsh look in a mirror, but it's the truth. 

I'm not piling on, but he nailed it. 

FWIW; I respect that you continue to put yourself between the crosshairs (as the DS) by coming here and posting about the challenges in attempting to recover your marriage.

Read his post again.


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## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

I have re-read the post quite a few times and yes there are things that ring true. My affairs lasted for 2.5 mos (dday was 7 mos ago) but our troubled marriage lasted for 12-13yrs where there was poor communication skills, lack of empathy, respect on both our parts. We both acknowledge this but only I am making a willing effort to fix myself and my actions/reactions. We spoke again today and he's realized that he still sees me as who I used to be and stills acts or reacts to the old me. It's the old way, I did "X" because you did "Y". Well I'm not doing "Y" anymore so why are you still behaving or acting back with "X"? He knows and sees and comments how I've changed and really giving 110% in making our marriage better. But then he pulls back and blames his faults on me right after telling me that I'm doing a great job in communicating everything, showing empathy and understanding and having a greater respect for him. I used to not communicate and now I'm being told I communicate too much and he doesn't want to listen. 

I let him know that I'm becoming emotionally drained from the pushing and pulling. He says one thing but acts entirely different, cause me to be unbalanced. He knows he has 'passive agressive' traits but doesn't really see how it affects me. I use to sit back a take it, bite my tounge, until it got to be too much then I would explode. I don't want it to be like that again, that how we ended up on separate paths....so many PAST resentments. 

Look at me for who I am today, not who I was yesterday or 10yrs ago. I grow everyday. I hope he can and wants to grow with me. He says he does, but like he's told me my actions speak louder than my words, I'm proving that everyday. I want his actions to speak louder than his words too, am I wrong?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Ok... let's put it this way....

Your husband just got run over by a truck, a truck you happened to be driving. He is laying in the hospital bed, literally a miracle he survived the emergency surgery to repair the damage...

Your absolutely right... he should have looked both ways before he crossed, your absolutely right if he had put new snow tires on the truck maybe this wouldnt have happened... Now is NOT THE TIME to remind him of that just because you need to ease your own guilt about running him down.

Let him get out of critical condition and stabilize first.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I wonder how much of an understanding you truly have of the level of pain and trauma you iflicted by having your affairs. As i said, many counselors consider it the absolutely most severe form of emotional abuse.
So, reallistically, it is going to be a long time before your H has recovered enough to hear about the pre-affair issues.
It's as if i beat my wif half to death because I was dissatisfied with some aspect of our marriage. hen, while she is in intensive care, I try to discuss her deficiencies.
Have you done much reading on the trauma cheating causes. It is nothing, in real life, like it is portrayed in mini=series, soap operas, or movies.
Check out the free video on the marriagebuilders site where Willard harely talks about his findings re the trauma.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

Hi ButterflyFee,
as someone who has been cheated on, has tried to fix things and ended up ending a relationship because my partner wouldn't recognize the pain I was experiencing, I want to tell you a few things.
You made a mistake, a really big one. Unlike others, I don't think that cheaters are inherently bad people but simply people who made a really bad decision. IF they show remorse and are willing to work for forgiveness (not just ask for it), then I believe they are no worse than anybody else and deserve a chance.
I don't know your history, what problems exactly you have experienced in your relationship or how your husband behaved during the past 13 years, etc. I am almost 100% certain that your husband is fully aware that he contributed 50% to the your relationship problems before your affair. But speaking for myself based on my own experience, the pain I went through months after the discovery is unbelievable. And even though I knew that I had contributed my fair share to our problems, admitting so felt like making the affair okay. I would fight my partner tooth and nail, but none of it was my fault. 
This was primarily because my partner would repeatedly point out how miserable he had been in the months leading to his cheating. He wanted me to "understand". He never used it as an excuse but his cheating but it certainly felt that way. 
I never felt my feelings validated. He wanted me to "get over it" and "move on" since I was the only one he really loved. But I needed to talk about it. Over and over. I understand that it was emotionally taxing on him being confronted with his failure over and over (and like I said, I don't think cheaters are inherently bad people). Any request he made, no matter how small it was, felt like I my feelings were dismissed. All of a sudden the focus was on me, when it was him who had cheated? This resulted in me being passive aggressive, using every opportunity to remind him of his wrong-doing, even in front of others.

Like others said, it is truly a traumatic experience. To this day (over two years) later I have not recovered. I cry at least once a week. I have nightmares about him, him and his family as well as the affair partner. I can't come to this forum during the day when I'm at work because whenever I read something that reminds me of that experience, I just drift of and sometimes even cry at work.

I am not suggesting that you should allow him treat you like crap. No matter what happened, if you don't have respect for the other person (that's different than respect for their actions), you're in trouble. But to me it sounds like you "just want to move on" and that's not going to cut it. You do need to work on your longstanding relationship problems for which the counseling is great but if he feels his emotions regarding the affair are being dismissed, I don't think you're looking into a bright future.


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