# Think I need to make a gracefull exit....



## raising5boyz

Yep.....anyone who said to wait....you were right! 

He's not right for me. I am 90% sure he isn't. At first I thought I was just being scared and trying to run away. He moved in about a month ago.....and it's just not right. He is way too harsh on my kids and I don't like it. And he doesn't seem to respect me much....

We are 'engaged'.....planning to marry this summer. I don't know who to make a gracefull exit. We are both broke college students..... however, at the end of this semester (May) he will be going to Alaska for 6-8 weeks. He will come back with plenty of money to get his own place. How bad would it be if I just wait till he is in Alaska to break it off? It feels somewhat dishonest to me.....but seems like it will also keep the peace which is important since my boys are hear to see/hear everything.  

I am somewhat worried that this breakup will get ugly....he has a temper. 

Suggestions?


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## that_girl

You moved him in?  Do not move people in with your children. Please. Do not do this. I know I'm beating a dead horse, but...please.  

Get him out NOW. He can stay somewhere. You aren't married. He has friends. If not, he can deal. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.

You didn't know if he was the right one before he moved in? I'm sorry to keep saying it but wow. It's so important to be sure.

I am sorry you are going through this, but put your big girl panties on and get him out. Why wait? If he has a temper, have a friend there and the cops on hold.

Weren't you just posting a couple months ago if a man would date a woman with 5 kids? How long have you known this man?? I believe you can't know anyone for at least two years. And if you have kids, THAT's when you bring them around and talk about marriage, if you're serious about the person.

Even I didn't know my husband enough until this year (year 3 of us). We moved quickly. It's hard. I can't imagine if he wasn't the right one


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

i would say dont wait.

i dont like when people break up like that and not face to face.

just make sure to have your children somewhere else at the time.
maybe stay with someone over the week end.


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## EleGirl

When is your spring break? That would be a good mid-semester time to do it.

Otherwise get him out now...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

that_girl said:


> Weren't you just posting a couple months ago if a man would date a woman with 5 kids? (


maybe you moved too quick because you didnt think you could get someone else, having 5 children?

be slow, you will find someone good for you and your children.

as that_girl said, have family there ready to call the police.


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## that_girl

For sure! Having a man doesn't validate you as a human. Learn and know your worth and just take your time  This makes me sad.


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## raising5boyz

Thanks everyone. Yes, I screwed up and I know it. It kinda happened by accident and kinda on purpose. We were both in leases and his landlord wanted him to renew a June to June lease.....we figured by this summer we would be ready....so he didn't resign his lease and told the landlord to go ahead and find someone else....that someone else wanted to move in immediatly so he said yes, then told me. He moved in....I wasn't exactly ready but let it happen anyways. :\ 

Yes, dumb, dumb me......but now I am in the mess and need to get out. 

Live and LEARN! At least I am finally at the point that I want to just be single and stay that way for a LONG time.......


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

raising5boyz said:


> he didn't resign his lease and told the landlord to go ahead and find someone else....that someone else wanted to move in immediatly so he said yes, then told me. He moved in....I wasn't exactly ready but let it happen anyways. :\


that was a bad sign there, he didnt even discuss it with you?
hmmm....


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## that_girl

Yea, Red flags everywhere. I'm glad you learned.

Best thing to do, is just kick him out. Sorry, but you need to. I can tell you are somewhat passive, but now is the time to find your voice and use it.


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## raising5boyz

well he told me the landlord found someone else and I thought that was great. Then a week later he said he was moving in the next weekend.

Yes, I got myself in quite a pickle again.....grrrrr.....trying to not beat myself up too bad but I am determined to FINALLY learn.


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## that_girl

He saw that you are weak and took advantage. i sure hope he's paid rent!

In any case, I hope he's not on your lease, or whatever, or you have a bigger issue.

But get him out. I feel creeped out by this guy and i don't even know him.

Find your voice and use it. LEARN HOW TO SAY NO.


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## raising5boyz

thats bad.....but you are more perceptive then you think.....none of my friends who have met him have liked him.... and I didnt listen....

thinking I well get some help through my church to make this as peaceful as possible.....


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## that_girl

Listen to people about your mate...when it's more than just ONE person saying something, then there's some meat to it.

YOU can make this peaceful as well. Why are you scared to be strong?


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## nice777guy

Don't waste time beating yourself up. You know what you need to do and waiting will only make it harder.


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## raising5boyz

gonna talk to my counselor tomorrow morning....perhaps he will help me make a good plan to get this done......my spring break was last week....yes would have been a good time. My boys spring break is in two weeks....they could go stay with grandma for a couple days so they aren't around during this.....


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## nice777guy

What kind of counselor are we talking about? Like a therapist?


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## raising5boyz

yes, a therapist....this will only be my second visit with him....


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## joe kidd

Sorry to hear this. The kids would be my main concern. Harsh how? Yelling alot? Physically?


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## that_girl

raising5boyz said:


> yes, a therapist....this will only be my second visit with him....


Are you planning on seeing him more? I think it would be a good idea. I hope you learn to value yourself and listen to your gut instincts. There's something there that blocks you from trusting yourself or speaking up for yourself.


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## nice777guy

that_girl said:


> Are you planning on seeing him more? I think it would be a good idea. I hope you learn to value yourself and listen to your gut instincts. There's something there that blocks you from trusting yourself or speaking up for yourself.


I agree...


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## raising5boyz

again That_girl....you are very insightful. I am planning on seeing this therapist for a long time. The first visit was great. 

But really you are right. I have trouble standing up for myself. I don't value myself. Other people see the good in me....I see all my failures and mistakes. It's something my counselor will help me address. 

I have not trusted my own opinion and instinct since my last husband.....


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## raising5boyz

He doesn't yell....just raised his voice. The thing that makes him seem to harsh is that he is ALWAYS on them.....from the second they get up in the morning...or from the minute they walk in the door after school. And everything is a big deal. Any mistake is treated like a felony crime. And some of the comments.....I think he verges on emotional abuse. Says things that hurt their feelings..... He is rude to me and disrespectful....my kids notice it....my oldest even asked me why he expects respect but doesn't respect me....


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## raising5boyz

And yes he does have some good qaulities too.....but really he is just not right for my kids or myself. Honestly he needs to be with someone who doesn't have kids....

At times he is good with the kids, but overall not so much


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## Paradise

Raising.....I've read your threads and when I recently saw you post about being engaged I was surprised, as i'm sure everyone else on here is. There are lots of guys who will respect you and your children. This isn't the one. Please, listen to everyone else and get him out of the house. 

Just be prepared because one of two things are going to happen. He's either going to get angry and throw a fit (which is why I would make sure I met him for lunch or dinner to talk about this in a public place) or he's going to try to play with your emotions and say he will change, etc. He's not going to change and if he does it is going to take a LONG time. I've seen this happen before and he might be on good behavior for a while and then it will slowly go right back to where it is now or worst. 

Let him go, he can go to Alaska, you can work on you and raise your children...Being a guy I can only imagine what your boys are thinking. The best thing you can do for them is to get rid of this fella and show them that you are a strong woman.


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## raising5boyz

Thanks everyone.....even with my stupidity I feel like you are all a group of friends rallying around me and supporting me through this. I need that! Thank you!


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## nice777guy

raising5boyz said:


> Thanks everyone.....even with my stupidity I feel like you are all a group of friends rallying around me and supporting me through this. I need that! Thank you!


Stop beating yourself up!!!!!!!!!!


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## raising5boyz

sorry nice......  thank you for the reminder!


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## nice777guy

And stop apologizing! Just go kick some ass!!!!


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## raising5boyz

lol ok ok!


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## raising5boyz

appointment with the clergyman of my church tomorrow..... Im sure I will get some great advice and support there too.....


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## Unhappy2011

raising5boyz said:


> And yes he does have some good qaulities too.....but really he is just not right for my kids or myself. Honestly he needs to be with someone who doesn't have kids....
> 
> At times he is good with the kids, but overall not so much


Maybe he does not really want to be there either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## raising5boyz

I suppose that is possible....he says he has never been happier....that this is what he wants.....but his actions/attitude make it hard to believe that he really wants this!


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## joe kidd

Until you see yourself as someone of worth no one else will. Get some confidence and see the offers come rolling in. I swear it works. Good luck!


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## Lon

R5B, what have you gotten yourself into!

It sounds like you know what you want (to not be with this guy any longer) and it will be messy as heck, but you can do it. Tell him politely that you made a mistake allowing him to move in, that after serious consideration you realize that you just don't want this relationship with him, that you feel bad this has been an inconvenience for him (but realize this was his choice to give up his lease and try moving in). And give him a timeline, seeing as its the middle of the month there should be some rentals being advertised for Apr.1 give him enough time to pack his stuff and find a place.

Good Luck...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Lon said:


> And give him a timeline, seeing as its the middle of the month there should be some rentals being advertised for Apr.1 give him enough time to pack his stuff and find a place.
> 
> Good Luck...


i think it needs to be immediate.
she sounds like she may be afraid of him, this gives him too much time to do something.
she needs to be rid of him right away with people around her.


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## Lon

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think it needs to be immediate.
> she sounds like she may be afraid of him, this gives him too much time to do something.
> she needs to be rid of him right away with people around her.


Yeah maybe sooner is better than later, my point was mostly to not leave it open ended. Depending on logistics though, I don't think it is always reasonable to expect someone to pack up and leave at an instant's notice when it is their primary residence too. but you are right, if the relationship ends now, the cohabitation should too, maybe he has to call a buddy or find a motel until he gets temporary lodging.


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## raising5boyz

Hello everyone. So my therapist gave me some good advice today. I explained the whole situation to him. The things I do and do not like about my bf. What I think should happen, the living arrangements, his trip to Alaska, etc.....

"George" is my counselor. He thinks my bf is controlling (surprising! right? lol) And agrees that I need to slow this relationship WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY down but that I don't neccesarily need to end it completely if I don't to. All things considered he thinks my plan of action should be to sit down my BF and have a very serious conversation about my expectations of how I expect him to treat my kids. I am supposed to be very assertive with my expectations and escalate my assertiveness if need be. Either my bf will comply or he will be choosing to find another place to live before his trip to Alaska. If my bf chooses to comply and 'behave' (for lack of a better term) then he can stay at my house until the trip to Alaska (7 weeks away). However, when he gets back , he is to get his own place while we continue to see if we are truly right for each other and if marriage is really an option for us. 

I like this plan. I am somewhat 'afraid' of my bf but I know a lot of that comes from my first husband who was abusive. I see red flags.....so we will slow down and see what happens after that. On this I am not backing down....it is definitely "My way or the highway!"

In addition I am asking my bf to take a parenting class, and get some IC. Overall i do believe his heart is in the right place, he just has a lot to learn. If if is willing to work for this and work on himself there is a chance for us. However, I am not goint to marry him until time and his actions prove that he will be a good fit into this large ready made family. 

As a mother of five boys.....they MUST be my priority. Either he fits into our family comfortably.....or he is not a part of it. Period!  Yes, I am willing to make some adjustments as all relationships take compromise, however I will not adjust anything that affects the good relationship I have with my children, or thier self esteem.

Thank you all for your support. I know many of you may not agree with this plan my therapist and I came up with. It seems reasonable to me.....but as always I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

hmmm...
good luck.
i really hope everything works out for you.


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## nice777guy

I think that sounds reasonable...

As long as you are firm and follow through...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

nice777guy said:


> I think that sounds reasonable...
> 
> As long as you are firm and follow through...


idk.
the thing that bothers me about it is at first she was afraid of his anger, now she is trying to minimize it.

im all for second chances in most cases, but being afraid of someone with anger issues is a whole nuther story.


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## Paradise

Everything will be peachy for a while. He'll be awesome while he is in Alaska. But, definitely different homes when he returns. Will be curious to see how this turns out, especially since he is already showing these signs of being controlling. 

I dated someone for 3 months and when she wanted to meet my child it was over in an instant. It's going to be a long time before I let anyone into my child's life. Of course, my exw moved in with her affair partner within 6 months of the divorce ...but, to each their own.


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## that_girl

You still say you are AFRAID of this man. This man who is IN YOUR BED and around your KIDS.

I just don't get it. You're afraid of him but you want to see if you're still right for each other 

Is your therapist licensed?


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## raising5boyz

Yes he is.....

It is possible that this 'fear' stems from my first husband. In other words it could be a fear that is unjustified by his actions. My therapist is actually in charge of a domestic violence group. He asked if my bf has actually done anything physical to the kids or I....the answer is No. 

I have laid out all of my expectations and what will happen if he oversteps his boundaries here. Justified or not, at this moment I do not feel it is right to just kick him out when I KNOW he has no where to go. However, IF he chooses to overstep the boundaries I have laid out, then HE is choosing to have no place to live. 

My fears may be justified, they may not be. My biggest fear is that he is going to damage my kids self esteem.....the other fears are speculations based on my past relationships. Again, I have laid out the rules....now it is his choice. If I ever truly and immediately feel threatened.....911 will be called immediatly. I don't think it will be needed....but I'm not afraid to go that route if ever needed.

Yes, I know the cycle....he will be great for a while.....what i really want to see is permanant change....and only TIME will tell that. Which is why we will have seperate residences when he comes back from Alaska....and from there we will see.....


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## that_girl

I want to know why you are investing SO MUCH into someone that your gut is screaming at you, trying to warn you?

Why do you feel like you have to fix this? Your children will suffer, you will suffer. YOU DON'T WANT THIS and that is OK. Why are you settling? WHY!?


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## tacoma

How long have you been with this guy?

It seems to me this is a very young relationship and already the time, money, and energy necessary to even keep it alive is too much.


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## raising5boyz

The first step is to step back....I am doing that. I just cannot feel right about kicking him out when his only 'crime' is that I don't like how he attempts to parent my children.

Once he is out, and especially while he is in Alaska, I will have time to really REALLY think this all through. He is not a bad person....I don't want to minimize issues he has, but I don't want to magnify them either. My kids and I are safe right now, with him in our home. Really I am not investing much....and the next seven weeks will fly by. At that point he won't be living with me. Seems like a much better time to cut off things completely if need be. I have been honest with him about my concerns. I have been assertive about the boundaries. The ball is really in his court. He wants to be a good dad to my children, and he wants to be a good partner to me. As long as he isn't doing any damage....he can have some time. 

That is my opinion.....my therapist and the clegyman of my church both agree. I feel like these are the right steps to take right now.

If I am wrong and things get worse....he will loose his place to live sooner rather than later.


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## raising5boyz

I can't really disagree with you Tacoma. And that is something that made me take a step back and realize I am not in any way ready to marry this man. 

I need time. I want time. I am going to take time. Either the slow down I am insisting on will break us up permanantly or it will allow me the time I need to see who he is and make a better and more logical decision if I want to permanantly commit to him.


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## Shoeguy

R5B,

May I suggest starting a daily journal about your feelings, I'd try and start it before he goes but at least during his absense?

If you are detailed enough and put it on paper you will have something to ground you if you start questioning your arrangements again when he returns.


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## raising5boyz

Shoe...... I like that idea. I will make sure I do that. Thank you for the suggestion.


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## nice777guy

raising5boyz said:


> ...my plan of action should be to sit down my BF and have a very serious conversation about my expectations of how I expect him to treat my kids. I am supposed to be very assertive with my expectations and escalate my assertiveness if need be. Either my bf will comply or he will be choosing to find another place to live before his trip to Alaska. If my bf chooses to comply and 'behave' (for lack of a better term) then he can stay at my house until the trip to Alaska (7 weeks away). However, when he gets back , he is to get his own place while we continue to see if we are truly right for each other and if marriage is really an option for us.
> 
> In addition I am asking my bf to take a parenting class, and get some IC. Overall i do believe his heart is in the right place, he just has a lot to learn. If if is willing to work for this and work on himself there is a chance for us. However, I am not goint to marry him until time and his actions prove that he will be a good fit into this large ready made family.


Have you talked all of this through with your BF yet? How did he handle it?


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## raising5boyz

Plan is going well. He took the conversation seriously and is willing to start listening to me more about the kids. He is realizing that if my kids are turning out as well as they are.....I must be doing something right in my parenting! 

I told him straight out that my relationship with him cannot and will not affect my relationship in a negative way. It can add to it, and make it better.....but I will not allow it to ruin what I have with my kids. 

He is being receptive. We had a nice weekend at out of town. I met all of his family for the first time and got along with them well. 

Time....time will tell all in this situation.....


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