# Help.. think my husband may be bipolar... do I stay or leave?



## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

This post could be very long, so I'll try to shorten it as much as possible. We have been married for almost 16 months, together for 3 years. I'm 39, he's 47. We have 5 children all together, 2 mine, 2 his and 1 beautiful baby girl that just turned 1 together. This is his 2nd marriage, my 3rd (and final, no matter what!). 

When our relationship is good, it is incredible! We have fun together, we laugh, we travel, just hang out and lately we've started antiquing together. However, when he gets angry or irritable, it's like living in h*ll! Our relationship has been like a roller coaster at times. I've gone to counseling, which has helped alot for me to understand him better. That he is a smoke blower. When he gets angry you just leave him alone and he will calm down eventually. If you try to reason with him he explodes and it get really ugly. And usually ends up yelling that he is finished, this is a mistake, he wants out. The next day, he is sorry, he doesn't really want out. He loves me. I've heard it over and over.

His business is horrible right now and his stress level is incredible. No matter what I do to try to be supportive, it is the wrong thing. Until about 2 months ago, things were much better. Over the past 2 months, we have spiraled down hill rapidly. I had promised myself that the next time he yelled he was finished and wanted out. I would simply say "okay, you've got it!" Which I did, Monday evening, when he exploded because my 13 year old son left a dirty dish in the sink! We have talked off and on all week. He expressed that he wanted to go to counseling alone and with me. He wanted to try to figure out why he is angry all the time and try to understand how to be a stepfather. This was a shock to me as I've asked him to go to counseling in the past and he was adamant that he would not go. However, when I said anything in defense of my son (like he's a typical teenager and this isn't personal), he exploded again, threw his wedding band into the woods next to the house and yelled again that he is finished. 

I have operated on that decision, found another house and starting preparing to make a move. He called me yesterday from work twice, came home yesterday and helped with dinner, homework. Acted like everything was a little tense but not over. My oldest son, 13 years old, breaks down after dinner and cries and cries (just with me). He isn't a crier, he is at the stage where he just doesn't cry or show emotion, it's not cool. He is also a bit of stonewaller just like his dad. He would rather not deal with problems, just hope they go away. Anyway, he talks to me and tells me that he can tell things are not good with my husband and that he heard us fighting (usually the children are not home when voices get raised!) Monday and he's scared. Scared that we are going to separate, and his whole world will collapse AGAIN! He has, unfortunately, been through 2 divorces with me. Talk about feeling like a horrible parent. He loves his stepfather but is so afraid to be close to him because he scared he is going to be gone. Sadly, many of our arguements are about this son. He is an awesome, smart kid that is very close to his mom. My husband isn't jealous but he wants my son to want to be close to him and doesn't understand why he isn't. I've tried to explain he has trust issues, he isn't buying it.

Anyway, here I was, ready to just pack it in. After all, sometimes you just have to get off the roller coaster. Let me make myself clear though, I love this man dearly. I just do not know what to do anymore. He goes from happy to fighting mad like a switch is flipped. I don't want to take him away from my children (or me! I haven't mentioned that my youngest son is totally in love with him!) but what do I do? I'm tired of walking on eggshells and I'm tired of being told it's over (tossing me aside like yesterday's trash). He's broken my heart so many times over the past year, I can't keep count of these episodes. 
Any advice?


----------



## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

I feel for you. I'm also on my 3rd marriage. I have watched my children hesitantly get close.... It's hard to even imagine putting them trough another divorce. Sigh. If he is willing to go to counseling I would make the appointment tomorrow. I would grab on to his willingness to go, drop my plans of leaving, and really really work on it. I would consider counseling for the whole family, too. The dynamics in blended families are difficult. Good luck!


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Doesn't seem bipolar, has anger issues obviously though.


----------



## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

I am crying right now over this. I am also on my 3rd marriage, in a way, 3rd dad for my son anyway. I wasn't officially married to my 14 yr old's dad but he is severely obsessive compulsive, wouldn't get help, so I had to leave him when my son was 2. Then I married my first husband who turned out to be bi-polar, very emotional & jealous, and we divorced after a couple of years. Now I am married to a man I have been with since my son was 7 years old. He has turned out to have a pot smoking problem and lies about it. 

The 90% reason that I stay is for my son. I don't want to rip him away from another daddy. It took him so long to get secure in the fact that this man will be around and now I am torn between having to leave or put up with being miserable for his sake.

Honestly I have opted to remain miserable so my son has a stable home. I will play the part of happy wife until my son is old enough to be ok with me leaving - probably college age.

Anyways, is your husband on medication? I know my ex-husband literally freaks out once a month when he isn't on meds. The combo of pills really makes a difference.


----------



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I'm bipolar and meds do make a big difference. IF he gets counseling and IF he finds the right meds (might take a couple of tries) you might see a complete transformation in your husband. I just got on Seraquil at the end of September and for me it helped me enormously to stay calm in the face of extraordinary stresses.

But no mental condition is an excuse to mistreat someone. If you get into counseling together, your therapist needs to help you set clear boundaries with your husband, and his therapist will have to work with him to find more appropriate and less hurtful ways to express disappointment or anger or whatever.

Counseling for your kids would also be a huge help.


----------



## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

It's been my experience that men with anger problems don't really get better. I had an angry father, an angry father-in-law, and an angry (now ex) husband. All the counseling in the world really can't help you hold your temper if you're used to letting it out. Anger is a really easy habit to get into and a very hard habit to get out of.

I can also say from experience that growing up walking on eggshells sucks. I would have much rather my parents divorced sooner instead of later, and afterward found out they were "trying to stick it out for you kids". Kids really don't need to deal with adults' unresolved issues - they have enough issues of their own. (I have never had kids so I am coming from the kid point of view.)

My Mom was married three times, and she still walks with her head up high. You can too. She was brave enough to leave her third marriage when she realized she married an alcoholic who expected her to enable him. She will tell anyone who asks her she has made mistakes but she is grateful for her life experiences, and she looks to the future. I am proud of her.

Face it, life is too short to deal with a bunch of someone else's crap. It's hard when children are involved, but when something's not good, you might have to cut your losses and just walk away. You can always learn how to not make the same mistake again. If you are alive, you get that chance every day.

Good luck to you and yours whatever you decide.
-WNM

PS My Dad is not so angry anymore. He has a new wife and seems happier with his life. Maybe you and your husband are just not right for each other. However, my Dad's anger habit can still come out, he's just mellowed with age.


----------



## unsure_64 (Nov 3, 2010)

Whynotme, I’m sorry that the people from your past left you with the impression that men with anger problems don’t get better. You made a general statement about all men with anger management problems, regardless of their mental health. It’s a statement without any hope or optimism. Respectfully, I disagree with your assessment. 

I am in the same situation as plymouth71, I have Bipolar. This is a horrible mental health condition that is very difficult to diagnose and the people who have the disorder often avoid or stop treatment. I have been on depekote for 2 years. It didn’t change me into a different person…it made me the person that I was always supposed to be. Medication and counseling can change a person’s life, as well as their family’s life. Since I began treatment 2 years ago, I am a much happier person and I lead a much more fulfilling life. 

JGIRL, you described the person that I used to be. I was angry and explosive (often over the smallest things) and I regularly threatened my wife with divorce. I made my wife’s life a living hell for years. She blamed herself over and over for my anger and did everything she could think of to try to calm me down. I believe that your husband has bipolar, and, I believe that your husband does not want a divorce. You have a hard road ahead of you, but it can lead to a happier life. To start, this needs to be made crystal clear to your husband: his behavior is no longer acceptable, and while he still has your love and support, he must address his mental health problems. My motivation to change and commit to my treatment came when my back was against the wall and I had no other options. My wife was unwilling to stay in a marriage full of anger and I didn’t want her to leave. 

Remember, your husband is not the angry person that comes out sporadically, but the anger is not excusable and it needs to be treated. Also, this anger is not your fault. 

I wish you the best.


----------

