# Am I wrong to be mad at my husband?



## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

My husband is not taking my request for him to wear a condom seriously. We do not want anymore children and I have made it clear (or at least tried to) that the idea of another pregnancy fills me with horror after having such a difficult last pregnancy. I also believe that it would be foolish on medical grounds.

However the last time we had sex he repeatedly penetrated me without a condom. When i asked what he was doing or told him he needed to wear a condom he told me it was 'an accident' or my fault coz I had moved. Am I right to be mad? Or do all men do this?!

This incident was only a matter of days after me telling him that a condom is a must until I go on the pill. I just don't get why he is doing something I have asked him not to do?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Would you consider taking it completely out of his hands and getting your tubes tied? No it's not wrong to be mad when someone behaves irresponsibly. He's a big boy, he knows what the risk is and he should value you enough to want you not to go through another pregnancy.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How do you move him out of a condom?

And man i hate when I see comments like "do all men/women do this"

We dont come off an assembly line, we are each different people.

Your husband sounds like a self-centred jerk who cares only about his orgasm, not your well-being, that's why he's doing this.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

im married and im not going to lie (i understand your point) but if my wife came up and said we have to start using condoms i would no longer have sex with her. the orgasms suck with a condom, cant feel anything so really whats the point?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

janefw said:


> Would you consider taking it completely out of his hands and getting your tubes tied? No it's not wrong to be mad when someone behaves irresponsibly. He's a big boy, he knows what the risk is and he should value you enough to want you not to go through another pregnancy.


I think recommending surgery is just wrong unless there is a clear medical need for it. There isn't, especially if she gets on the pill and he stops acting like a horny 13-year-old.

But if we're going down the road of surgery, why not tell him to get snipped. He's the one so intent on not using a condom that he can't even wait a month or whatever until she's on the pill, he should have to get the procedure.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

passive agressive. But that fact is, many married men do not want to use condoms under any circumstances. Unprotected sex is a pretty powerful motivator for getting married. And having to wear a condom changes the nature of sex....at least for me it does. I'll catch hell for this because it works for a lot of women on this website, but for me it cheapens it.

Why are you not on the pill? Or have an IUD?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

She said the condoms are only until she gets on the pill, so I'd assume she's already making plans to get on it. I think you have to start at the beginning of your next menstraul cycle, so that could be the hold up.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> im married and im not going to lie (i understand your point) but if my wife came up and said we have to start using condoms i would no longer have sex with her. the orgasms suck with a condom, cant feel anything so really whats the point?


The point is she doesn't want to get pregnant. Having a medical issue and not being physically well enough to get pregnant trumps "orgasms suck with a condom."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> She said the condoms are only until she gets on the pill, so I'd assume she's already making plans to get on it. I think you have to start at the beginning of your next menstraul cycle, so that could be the hold up.


Yes, that could be true. Under those circumstances I'd just go without for a month.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm not on the pill because my dr told me it would interfere with my medication. I now know this is wrong, but as a result we have always relied on condoms. We have been having our family over the last couple of years and condoms have never been an issue until a couple of months ago.

The hold up with the pill is that I want to make sure I'm not pregnant first.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm confused by your question. You asked him to use a condom but he has repeatedly penetrated you without one. Is he sneaking up on you? :scratchhead:

It seems to me the simple answer is if he's not wearing a condom you don't let him penetrate you.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I think recommending surgery is just wrong unless there is a clear medical need for it. There isn't, especially if she gets on the pill and he stops acting like a horny 13-year-old.
> 
> But if we're going down the road of surgery, why not tell him to get snipped. He's the one so intent on not using a condom that he can't even wait a month or whatever until she's on the pill, he should have to get the procedure.


How is recommending surgery wrong? Why isn't recommending a vasectomy wrong? 

Given that he isn't taking her wishes seriously now, I doubt he would be responsible enough to go and get a vasectomy because - you never know - maybe his orgasm would suck for a few days after that procedure. Also, you should know that a couple has to practice safe sex for a time after vasectomy until they can test that he really is sterile. I know this because my husband had one many years ago.

Given his failure to act like an adult, it would seem smarter for her to take responsibility into her own hands and make sure once and for all that she is unable to conceive any more kids.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i agree and if my wife told me this i would understand hun condom or no sex for a month till i get on the pill your choice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If he won't wear one, don't have sex. At least, PIV sex.

That said, there are a lot of non-hormonal options for birth control besides condoms. Why not use one of them??


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> I'm not on the pill because my dr told me it would interfere with my medication. I now know this is wrong, but as a result we have always relied on condoms. We have been having our family over the last couple of years and condoms have never been an issue until a couple of months ago.
> 
> The hold up with the pill is that I want to make sure I'm not pregnant first.


You can take a pregnancy test today to make sure you aren't pregnant. Then start taking the pill (or get the shot) the next day and tell him to hold off for the required length of time (I forget how long it is) for the pill to get into your system. If you keep waiting and waiting - and he keeps on penetrating you without a condom - you will be pregnant. It's just that simple.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I'm confused by your question. You asked him to use a condom but he has repeatedly penetrated you without one. Is he sneaking up on you? :scratchhead:
> 
> It seems to me the simple answer is if he's not wearing a condom you don't let him penetrate you.


It's a bit difficult to do that when he is on top of me. I trusted him to have enough self control not to in light of our recent conversation


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> It's a bit difficult to do that when he is on top of me. I trusted him to have enough self control not to in light of our recent conversation


That sounds to me like he's having sex with you against your will. That is not at all cool.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

It's hard to stop him when he is on top of me. I trusted him to have enough self control not to do that in light of our recent conversation


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Then he doesn't get on top of you. Period.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't care if he is on top of you - "stop and put a condom on" - those are the words you need to use. And if he continues, then he needs a quick knee in the balls.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

I certainly don't get any choice in the matter and he knows how I feel about unprotected sex. I think that he feels it is ok as long as he pulls out


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

janefw said:


> How is recommending surgery wrong?


Why should she have to have her body opened up (not as invasive as before, but still is an invasive surgery) for something that isn't need? Her husband should use a condom or she can go on the pill? Why recommend surgery when there is alternatives? As any doctor will advise you, there is the potential for harmful consequences from any surgery. It's why surgery should be a last option, not the first thing out of your mouth.



janefw said:


> Why isn't recommending a vasectomy wrong?


It is. I'm only going down your road of advice. He's the one who wants to not use a condom, he's the one who apparently can't listen to his wive's very sincere medical concerns for pregnancy and he's the one who agrees to use a condom and then doesn't, so if you are suggesting the surgical route, why not push for him to get snipped, rather than her? Not to mention a vasectomy is less likely to have harmful consequences than having her tubes tied.



janefw said:


> Given that he isn't taking her wishes seriously now, I doubt he would be responsible enough to go and get a vasectomy because - you never know - maybe his orgasm would suck for a few days after that procedure.


Women can actually go into the surgery room and watch it being done on their husbands in some places. My fiancee watched her ex-husband get snipped. 



janefw said:


> Also, you should know that a couple has to practice safe sex for a time after vasectomy until they can test that he really is sterile. I know this because my husband had one many years ago.


That's widely known, and also something the doctor would instruct to both him and her. 



janefw said:


> Given his failure to act like an adult, it would seem smarter for her to take responsibility into her own hands and make sure once and for all that she is unable to conceive any more kids.


She could by simply denying him sex until he acts like a grown up. No surgery needed for that either.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> I certainly don't get any choice in the matter and he knows how I feel about unprotected sex. I think that he feels it is ok as long as he pulls out


Is he 16? Nobody over 16 should believe that pulling out is going to stop you getting pregnant. 

Have him read this: Coitus Interruptus--Withdrawal Method as a Contraceptive Technique--Withdrawl Method Birth Control



> Coitus interruptus is not effective as a contraceptive technique. Failure rates, although somewhat difficult to ascertain, are thought to be as high as 25 percent. The problem is that pre-seminal fluid (pre cum) leaks from the penis prior to ejaculation. Even a small amount of pre-seminal fluid contain live sperm.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As a man can I recommend that you use the LBC method of birth control? 
LBC= London Brick Company. 

Just take two bricks and *BANG!!* your husband's need for any further brick, oops, birth control method is negated! 

Joking apart, he is immature and very disrespectful of you, his wife.

BTW in some jurisdictions what he is doing might be seen as rape.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> *I certainly don't get any choice in the matter *and he knows how I feel about unprotected sex. I think that he feels it is ok as long as he pulls out


Unless he's raping you, you have choice in the matter. And if he's raping you, you need to get out. Now. As you leave, do us all a favor and give him a vasectomy with a lawn mower.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Why should she have to have her body opened up (not as invasive as before, but still is an invasive surgery) for something that isn't need? Her husband should use a condom or she can go on the pill? Why recommend surgery when there is alternatives? As any doctor will advise you, there is the potential for harmful consequences from any surgery. It's why surgery should be a last option, not the first thing out of your mouth.


Thanks but *I* will choose what is the first or last thing out of my mouth.

There is also potential for harmful consequence for her becoming pregnant. Far more than her getting surgery.



> It is. I'm only going down your road of advice. He's the one who wants to not use a condom, he's the one who apparently can't listen to his wive's very sincere medical concerns for pregnancy and he's the one who agrees to use a condom and then doesn't, so if you are suggesting the surgical route, why not push for him to get snipped, rather than her? Not to mention a vasectomy is less likely to have harmful consequences than having her tubes tied.


Actually, vasectomies can also go very wrong and, again, as he's already not being responsible, why is he going to bother to do this?



> Women can actually go into the surgery room and watch it being done on their husbands in some places. My fiancee watched her ex-husband get snipped.


So what? That doesn't mean things don't go wrong.



> She could by simply denying him sex until he acts like a grown up. No surgery needed for that either.


Really? How do you see that working out? With a guy who doesn't 'let' her say no?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pixie222 said:


> *I certainly don't get any choice in the matter *and he knows how I feel about unprotected sex. I think that he feels it is ok as long as he pulls out


Um, excuse me?? Does he rape you then? If so, you have WAY bigger problems here.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

He has raped me once and then the 'accidents' the other night. He didnt think it was rape. He said he didn't think I actually meant no


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> He has raped me once and then the 'accidents' the other night. He didnt think it was rape. He said he didn't think I actually meant no


You have some serious problems. Don't believe the fools who will tell you there is no such thing as rape in marriage - there absolutely is, both under the law and under any kind of compassionate understanding of sexuality. I would find some counseling for your husband - on the basis that you will file charges if he continues to rape you if he doesn't come along and fix this problem (i.e. fix himself).


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

janefw said:


> Thanks but *I* will choose what is the first or last thing out of my mouth - not you.


I hope you do. I also hope you'll choose more carefully than to recommend invasive surgery to someone you didn't even know existed more than 5 minutes earlier.



janefw said:


> There is also potential for harmful consequence for her becoming pregnant. Far more than her getting surgery.


Which can be avoided by using a condom, going on the pill and abstaining from sex, none of which require surgery. 



janefw said:


> Actually, vasectomies can also go very wrong and, again, as he's already not being responsible, why is he going to bother to do this?


Once again, if you'd read what I'm writing, you'd note that I did say there is potentially harmful consequences with ANY surgery. So of course there would be with a vasectomy as well. And if he's not going to bother with doing it (assuming we are discussing the hypothetical where condoms, the pill, etc. are not available) then he can do without sex. That may make him bother to do it. 




janefw said:


> So what? That doesn't mean things don't go wrong.


You need to learn reading comprehension. You were asking how she can take him seriously that he'd even go and get the vasectomy. I told you she can actually watch it get done. I've stated all along that surgeries can go wrong. 




janefw said:


> Really? How do you see that working out?


With her not getting pregnant, which was the entire point of you recommending a tubal ligation, correct?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

janefw said:


> You have some serious problems. Don't believe the fools who will tell you there is no such thing as rape in marriage - there absolutely is, both under the law and under any kind of compassionate understanding of sexuality. I would find some counseling for your husband - on the basis that you will file charges if he continues to rape you if he doesn't come along and fix this problem (i.e. fix himself).


This. Additionally, if I ws you Pixie, I'd be packed and out the door as soon as it is safe. Please get yourself out of that situation immediately, and contact the police or a lawyer to discuss your legal options. Nobody deserves to feel like they have no control over their body or fear rape from their spouse. God bless.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> This. Additionally, if I ws you Pixie, I'd be packed and out the door as soon as it is safe. Please get yourself out of that situation immediately, and contact the police or a lawyer to discuss your legal options. Nobody deserves to feel like they have no control over their body or fear rape from their spouse. God bless.


ITA.

Sweetie, I had a friend who stayed in an abusive marriage for 20 years, where her husband raped her on a regular basis. Thank God she divorced him finally. You don't deserve to go through 20 years of that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are being abused. Pack up and get to a women's shelter ASAP. PLEASE.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> He has raped me once and then the 'accidents' the other night. He didnt think it was rape. He said he didn't think I actually meant no


Pixie

That certainly is rape. Assuming you live in the Western world you are not your husbands property to do with as he wishes. You have to consent to sex. In response to your original question you don't consent to sex unless he's wearing a condom.

I agree with on of the other posters though...you have a much bigger issue than him not using a condom.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

Thank you for all the replies. I guess I'm just not ready to admit yet that it could be anything more than a one time incident, with 'grey areas' the other night. I know how that probably sounds.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> Thank you for all the replies. I guess I'm just not ready to admit yet that it could be anything more than a one time incident, with 'grey areas' the other night. I know how that probably sounds.


It's perfectly normal to 'rationalize' the incidents. While I think you should get out ASAP, if you elect to stay, please go talk to someone and explain what has happened to you to someone else and get an independent view from them. Try a marriage counsellor, a police officer, a chaplian, a laywer, someone. You have a very serious problem on your hands, don't let it get worse. There are TV movies written about stuff like this all the time, and they never end well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Pixie222 said:


> Thank you for all the replies. I guess I'm just not ready to admit yet that it could be anything more than a one time incident, with 'grey areas' the other night. I know how that probably sounds.


It sounds like you're making excuses for his abusive behaviours, like many abused women do. I don't mean that as a negative comment, but it's pretty common behaviour. 

Your husband is being an ass, and my suggestion would be to keep a couple layers of clothes on from now until you get some form of safe birth control in place. Followed quickly by a suggestion of individual counselling for you, so you can figure out why you let yourself be treated like this.

C


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pixie222 said:


> Thank you for all the replies. I guess I'm just not ready to admit yet that it could be anything more than a one time incident, with 'grey areas' the other night. I know how that probably sounds.


Yes, it does sound that way 

I hope you can find it in yourself to get the help you need before you end up pregnant, or worse.

Would you be willing to go see a counselor?


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

Yes, I am on an waiting list to see a counsellor, but no idea how much longer it will take.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> Yes, I am on an waiting list to see a counsellor, but no idea how much longer it will take.


If you go to the police and tell them you have concerns of sexual abuse by your partner, you'll get to see one a lot quicker.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Sorry, didn't see the "rape" comments, my bad.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with kingsfan. Talk to a police officer about the rape. Just being married doesn't negate rape. Get to a woman's shelter too, that way this doesn't happen again. It's not fair for you to be forced into having sex, but to get pregnant from it would be only add salt to the wound. Please find a woman's shelter and get away from this guy.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

Thank you everyone. I guess I have a lot to think about, but leaving at this point is not an option as I have no means of supporting myself and my little ones.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pixie222 said:


> Thank you everyone. I guess I have a lot to think about, but leaving at this point is not an option as I have no means of supporting myself and my little ones.


Is there a welfare system where you live? Women's shelters? That's what women's shelters exist for, for women who have no means of supporting themselves but need to get out of an abusive situation.

PLEASE get yourself into something sooner rather than later.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> Thank you everyone. I guess I have a lot to think about, but leaving at this point is not an option as I have no means of supporting myself and my little ones.


Talk to a lawyer or the police about this as well. They can direct you to someone who has dealt with this before. You aren't the only women with kids in an abusive relationship. Other women have had to leave with kids in tow and made it work, there are options. There is no harm in talking to someone about it right now and finding out what your options are.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Consider that perhaps, just perhaps, people are taking a very small bit of information and blowing it out of proportion. Accusing your husband of rape to the police means the end of your relationship and possibly the end of your child's relationship with dad at the very least. Not to mention a ton of other consequences. 

Now, if you are truly being raped then I understand and yes you should do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. But be very careful of listening to a bunch of internet strangers on a situation this serious.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Talk to a lawyer or the police about this as well. They can direct you to someone who has dealt with this before. You aren't the only women with kids in an abusive relationship. Other women have had to leave with kids in tow and made it work, there are options. There is no harm in talking to someone about it right now and finding out what your options are.


I agree. And, as someone else said, that's why Women's Shelters exist, helping women who can't afford to support themselves.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Consider that perhaps, just perhaps, people are taking a very small bit of information and blowing it out of proportion. Accusing your husband of rape to the police means the end of your relationship and possibly the end of your child's relationship with dad at the very least. Not to mention a ton of other consequences.
> 
> Now, if you are truly being raped then I understand and yes you should do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. But be very careful of listening to a bunch of internet strangers on a situation this serious.


*She *said he raped her before. Surely she knows whether she was raped or not - or do you agree with her husband that it's hard to tell when a woman really means no?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Is there a welfare system where you live? Women's shelters? That's what women's shelters exist for, for women who have no means of supporting themselves but need to get out of an abusive situation.
> 
> PLEASE get yourself into something sooner rather than later.


:iagree:


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Consider that perhaps, just perhaps, people are taking a very small bit of information and blowing it out of proportion. Accusing your husband of rape to the police means the end of your relationship and possibly the end of your child's relationship with dad at the very least. Not to mention a ton of other consequences.
> 
> Now, if you are truly being raped then I understand and yes you should do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. But be very careful of listening to a bunch of internet strangers on a situation this serious.


Thank you, I agree about the consequences and will not be rushing into anything. It is not time to leave yet.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

janefw said:


> *She *said he raped her before. Surely she knows whether she was raped or not - or do you agree with her husband that it's hard to tell when a woman really means no?


I get the impression that she's being led down a path by an internet mob. A mob that doesn't really have a dog in this fight. A mob that won't be the one living in a shelter in the near future, but is fine with throwing out huge advice that has serious consequences for the parties involved. The term "knee jerk" comes to mind.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Consider that perhaps, just perhaps, people are taking a very small bit of information and blowing it out of proportion. Accusing your husband of rape to the police means the end of your relationship and possibly the end of your child's relationship with dad at the very least. Not to mention a ton of other consequences.
> 
> Now, if you are truly being raped then I understand and yes you should do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. But be very careful of listening to a bunch of internet strangers on a situation this serious.


She said she was raped, and I'd assume she'd know better than any of us whether that is true or not. We are basing our posts on her words, not anything else.

Additionally, while I won't speak for anyone else, I didn't use the word 'accuse.' I said go talk to the police/a lawyer/etc. for that very reason. If she goes and files charges against him and for some reason the legal system elects not to pursue charges, it could turn out ugly for her. But there is no harm explaining the situation to a lawyer/the police and seeing where they think things stand legally.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> She said she was raped, and I'd assume she'd know better than any of us whether that is true or not. We are basing our posts on her words, not anything else.
> 
> Additionally, while I won't speak for anyone else, I didn't use the word 'accuse.' I said go talk to the police/a lawyer/etc. for that very reason. If she goes and files charges against him and for some reason the legal system elects not to pursue charges, it could turn out ugly for her. But there is no harm explaining the situation to a lawyer/the police and seeing where they think things stand legally.


I agree.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the impression that she's being led down a path by an internet mob. A mob that doesn't really have a dog in this fight. A mob that won't be the one living in a shelter in the near future, but is fine with throwing out huge advice that has serious consequences for the parties involved. The term "knee jerk" comes to mind.


I get the impression that you wouldn't believe she was raped unless she had photographs. Obviously you won't be the one subjected to rape, so you don't have to deal with those serious consequences when you wind up pregnant again, because your jerk of a spouse won't hear no. 

The term rape excuser comes to mind.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Working, if you had a sister who told you her husband held her down and had sex with her, didn't take her NOs seriously, and said she didn't have "any choice in the matter" when he is on top of her, you wouldn't see anything wrong with that? Wtf?! 

Pixie, if he doesn't want to have sex with a condom that's his prerogative just like not wanting more children is your prerogative. But for the love of everything that is HOLY, do NOT let him think sex against your will is OK. Show him that you are serious about this. "Honey, I don't feel safe being intimate with you right now. When I say NO, I do mean NO." Then you need to hold tight to your boundary. If that means physically removing him, then that's what you do! Do you know anything about pressure points? 

Because of some the bedroom games I enjoy, I have used a safe word in the past. When I say it, that means game over, he's too rough or freaking me out, and he just STOPS. I haven't had to use it in probably 3 years but he knows if I say it, I am SERIOUS.


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

Is it possible that he wants you to get pregnant again so that you will remain dependent on him?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pixie222 said:


> Thank you, I agree about the consequences and will not be rushing into anything. It is not time to leave yet.


So you're NOT being raped :scratchhead:

It's really too bad that you had to latch onto the one post here that excuses your husbands behaviour.

Sadly, this is apparently the norm for abused women though.

I sure do wish you all the best, and I really hope a day comes when you ARE ready to take our advice. Till then, take care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> *He has raped me once *and then the 'accidents' the other night. He didnt think it was rape. He said he didn't think I actually meant no



*
Dear God. One rape is one too many. *

I am so, so sorry.

You don't need birth control you need a man who knows that when a woman says "no" she means no.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Try getting an IUD.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> im married and im not going to lie (i understand your point) but if my wife came up and said we have to start using condoms i would no longer have sex with her. the orgasms suck with a condom, cant feel anything so really whats the point?


She said until she goes on the pill. That's a totally ok thing to request. It's not ok that he 'accidentally' penetrated without a condom - she has every right to be absolutely pissed! Now if she said we can only ever have sex with a condom again - that's a different story altogether but still not an excuse to force entry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

No, you're not wrong. You have solid reasoning for your request, and your request is temporary. 

Now, had you changed the dynamics of the entire sexual relationship by telling him he had to wear a condom all the time, from then until forever, then yes, as a guy, I'd have a problem with that, assuming there wasn't a reasonable alternative.

However, you're asking for him to accomodate you for a period of time until you're on the pill. Not unreasonable. And the fact he refuses to do this for you sends alarm bells ringing in my head.

I'm typically against anything permanent at a fairly young age. None of us knows what the future will bring. A cheating spouse. Divorce. Death. A desire to have a child with a future mate, or even our current mate should circumstances change. For that reason I'm against vasectomy while too young. However, having your tubes tied is also little more invasive, and still not always reverseable. Not a sure fire reverseable option either. So, there should be a period of alternate birth control (condoms) until you figure out what works for you (pills, IUD, injections, etc.). If he can't handle that, then he is a self centered schmuck.

What's he going to do when you have ovarian cysts, an injury, in pain, and unable to have sex for 2 or 3 months? Just "take it" anyway because he has "needs" or "couldn't control himself"? What an azzhole.

Lay it down for him. Condoms until you figure it out, or no sex. The "pull out" method is for stupid highschoolers who wind up pregnant or fathers at 16. As this apparently could have a very adverse affect on your health if you became preganant, I'd be looking very hard at the "man" you're sleeping with who could be so careless with your health, or place such a low value on your concerns.

As for the rape....no does in fact mean no, it matters not if you're married to the aggressor. Now, if "no" sometimes does not mean NO in your sex play, then you MUST have a conversation about it, and also have a safe word so he knows when you really mean stop. If he keeps going after that, it's time to call the police. Then a lawyer.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

There has never been any rough sex play so I'm not sure why he would have been confused as to what 'no' meant. From all the comments it certainly seems I am justified in how I feel about it. I know I'm probably trying to make excuses, but surely this must happen in most marriages/long term relationships?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

No Pixie, if it does happen, it means that the man has very little regard for your health and well being and only cares for himself. 

If you tell your husband no, he needs to respect that, or it is rape.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> There has never been any rough sex play so I'm not sure why he would have been confused as to what 'no' meant.


He wasn't confused, he just pretended to be so he could have an excuse for what he was doing.



Pixie222 said:


> From all the comments it certainly seems I am justified in how I feel about it. I know I'm probably trying to make excuses, but surely this must happen in most marriages/long term relationships?


No, it doesn't. In most marriages/long term relationships, no means no.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

time for a new husband!

I can't get off with a condom on so I can understand where he comming from(pun intended).

with that said RAPE is never acceptable.

and not using birth control when you don't want children is just dumb.

there are lots of sexuall thing that are very satisfying besides PIV to get you past the time until you guys find an acceptable solution to your birth control needs.


get creative....oral,hands,toys the possibilities are really only hampered by your inhabitions.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> im married and im not going to lie (i understand your point) but if my wife came up and said we have to start using condoms i would no longer have sex with her. the orgasms suck with a condom, cant feel anything so really whats the point?


Point being she would like to have sex with him, but not get pregnant. Suck it up little boy! It ain't all about you all the time.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> He has raped me once and then the 'accidents' the other night. He didnt think it was rape. He said he didn't think I actually meant no


First,you're right to be angry that he won't wear a condom til you're able to obtain alternative means of avoiding pregnancy.
Second,I really hope you aren't throwing around the rape word as casually as many women do.If you sincerely told him NO in a firm tone and all your body language was saying NO then yes,you were in fact raped if he kept going after that.

I understand you aren't prepared to leave this man but at the very least you need to start piecing together some sort of support network for yourself and your kids.Just because you married this person doesn't mean he gets to do what he wants to your body.You need to stand up and do something before he gets you pregnant again.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> There has never been any rough sex play so I'm not sure why he would have been confused as to what 'no' meant. From all the comments it certainly seems I am justified in how I feel about it. I know I'm probably trying to make excuses, but surely this must happen in most marriages/long term relationships?


Some women will say "no" when they really have no desire to stop what's going on. It's almost like a subconscious reaction and guard against doing things that they think is "dirty", but that still feels great and they don't want it to stop. Something they'd like to do, but maybe want "plausible deniability" that they want to do it, if that makes sense. My W is like that. Yet if I stop, she'll be like "what are you doing? Why are you stopping?" That's why we have a "safe word". Sometimes "no" means no, but sometimes no means "YES!!!!" "Safeword" means NO every single time. If you're not one of those women, then this doesn't apply to you. 

And no, I don't believe things like what happened to you happens in all marriages. Certainly not good, trusting ones with caring partners. 

If you think it was a blip on the radar screen, you'd better have a talk with him and lay down the law on what "no" means to you. And if he's so selfish, self centered, and uncaring that he crosses that boundary again, it's time to put a serious boot in his azz and think about getting out. Things like this tend to get worse, not better.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> There has never been any rough sex play so I'm not sure why he would have been confused as to what 'no' meant. From all the comments it certainly seems I am justified in how I feel about it. I know I'm probably trying to make excuses, but surely this must happen in most marriages/long term relationships?


Oh no honey!  This IS NOT NORMAL! Sure, couples fight about sex, one wants some and the other doesn't....but FORCING IS RAPE AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO!

Please reach out to someone, anyone...it will only get worse...how old are you? Your babies? Please take care of you and them. I am so sorry you are married to a MONSTER.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> I know I'm probably trying to make excuses, but surely this must happen in most marriages/long term relationships?


No it doesn't. Not in mine anyway. If I say no, then I expect my husband to respect that, and he does. Similarly if he says no, I have to respect that. There should be no coercion when it comes to sex, no "you want it really, let me just warm you up." Ugh. That's disrespectful, and to force sex on you, when you have said no, that is rape.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pixie222 said:


> I know I'm probably trying to make excuses, but surely this must happen in most marriages/long term relationships?


No, it does NOT. 

Did your father treat your mother this way?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Wow,my wife must be stronger than you.If I had done this in the past,she would have cut me of for good.Wearing a condom, seems to be much easier that having an unwanted pregnancy or child.Sounds to me like your husband either dosen't care about how you feel or he wants another child.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

One of the commenters above was of the view that the mob here was exaggerating a one-time, ambiguous event. None of us have any knowledge to evaluate that. You have said you can't leave.

In these circumstances, if you do not want to drag the police into it (and that would be a very serious step not to be taken lightly), I would suggest at the least going to a lawyer or counselor or someone who has a duty of confidentiality to discuss the facts. If you do nothing, the failure to make any timely objection to events will be taken as evidence that it didn't happen or even that you are making it up to get back at your H for later events. If you've made a record of the issues, then you have protection against such accusations, even if you didn't immediately involve police.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm certainly not using the word rape lightly. I fact I am only using it at all as 3 different rape cousellors have all said that's what it was, whether I like it or not. I really hope I haven't offended anyone by describing it as that. I am in no way comparing my experience to the much more traumatic experiences of many other women and I have no intention of ever telling anyone, other than what I have said here and when I eventually get to see a counsellor. I didn't even plan on mentioning here when I first posted.

From the replies so far, it would seem that it is not a normal part of marriage, which i guess has opened my eyes somewhat.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> I'm certainly not using the word rape lightly. I fact I am only using it at all as 3 different rape cousellors have all said that's what it was, whether I like it or not. I really hope I haven't offended anyone by describing it as that. *I am in no way comparing my experience to the much more traumatic experiences of many other women and I have no intention of ever telling anyone, other than what I have said here and when I eventually get to see a counsellor. * I didn't even plan on mentioning here when I first posted.
> 
> From the replies so far, it would seem that it is not a normal part of marriage, which i guess has opened my eyes somewhat.


Don't belittle what you have experienced. There may be a variety of spectrums in terms of the violence you faced, but you were still raped, according to you and according to three different rape counsellors. It's ok to accept it for what it is, and not brush it off as a 'lesser rape', which appears to be what you are trying to do.

You are the victim here, don't feel like you aren't worthy of sympathy. You are. The only one not worthy of sympathy is the man who did this to you. Unlike many rape victims though, you can't get comfort in your marriage for what you went through because the man who did this to you is your husband.

I do hope it has opened you eyes greatly, and that you'll establish some hard boundaries with your husband, either by leaving him, or by telling him what is and isn't acceptable and what will happen if he does it again. 

Again, take care of you and your children, and God bless you.


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## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

Thank you kingsfan


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not all men are like that. Your husband was acting like a jerk.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> Thank you kingsfan


Anytime. Post her or PM me if you ever feel the need to talk. No one should have to fear the person they should love the most.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Pixie222 said:


> I'm certainly not using the word rape lightly. I fact I am only using it at all as 3 different rape cousellors have all said that's what it was, whether I like it or not. I really hope I haven't offended anyone by describing it as that. I am in no way comparing my experience to the much more traumatic experiences of many other women and I have no intention of ever telling anyone, other than what I have said here and when I eventually get to see a counsellor. I didn't even plan on mentioning here when I first posted.
> 
> From the replies so far, it would seem that it is not a normal part of marriage, which i guess has opened my eyes somewhat.


I've actually seen some research that marital rape "can be" even more traumatic than "stranger rape" because you're being violated by someone who you trust, which is an even deeper emotional blow.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

A few words of respectful caution regarding this thread:

Please remember that this is Pixie's thread, and the truly difficult situation that she is facing. It is not a thread about all the hypothetical situations where marital rape may blurred by a myriad of hypothetical situations. Given what she is going through, I truly admire the supportive role that many have taken in order to offer help and support. It makes being a moderator worthwhile. But discussions about other hypothetical situations where a spouse might see confused signals, blurring the lines between aggressive play and rape are not only insensitive, but innappropriate for Pixie's situation. On the other side, rude, disrespectful attacks based on comments that were made before the full situation was known are also inappropriate. Please continue to do what TAM members do best, which is to support a member as they find a way to address very difficult situations.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

janefw said:


> The point is she doesn't want to get pregnant. Having a medical issue and not being physically well enough to get pregnant trumps "orgasms suck with a condom."


You're MISSING the point.. of what he was saying anyway. He's not saying whats the point in her asking to have a condom!! ... he is saying that, for him personally, he doesn't see a point in having unsatisfying sex with a condom and would rather just wait until it is safe to resume sex with no condom. It's simple, don't distort things when they are clear so that you can make snarky soapbox comments. barf!

She has every right to say only sex with a condom until Im on the pill. At the same time the man has every right to say 'no thanx' for a month so long as he's not doing it for passive aggressive reasons.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Geez. Hadn't read about the rape incident and this total disregard for your right to your own body. Doesn't sound like a loving respectful relationship to me... you have bigger issues than the condom one...

If you are to stay in the relationship HE needs counselling big time. He needs to apologize and not minimize what he has done and like a wayward spouse he must do the work to change his mindset and behaviour so he can start treating you with respect. Otherwise you have remove yourself from that situation..


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