# Wife admitted to kissing another man a week after asking for separation



## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

Two weeks ago, my (M37) wife (F33) of more than seven years asked me for a separation.

Although it came somewhat out of the blue, it was preceded by about seven weeks of terrible communication, tensions related to her work, her being physically and emotionally absent from the home and household duties (kids, little things, etc.)

It was all sparked by one incident in which I completely lost my cool and yelled at her inside my vehicle not knowing her co-worker was in earshot. While this is the first incident of me snapping at her like this, it was one of those “straw that broke the camels back” incidents. I was already having a bad day and it came after months of her being forgetful, unengaged with household activities and children, and her basically acting like a slave to her job. To the point where I told her it’s OK to quit, that we’d be OK. Even still, I acknowledged my mistake and immediately took steps to rectify the situation by entering anger management counseling, which I felt was going well and has been extremely helpful. I’ve been a better man since that happened. (FTR, I’ve never physically hit her. That’s not me. My anger comes out in words, which is something my counselor is helping me with.)

Unfortunately, between us, nothing has been the same since. She began to wall herself off from me. We talked less. We had sex maybe twice. She even began distancing herself from our two children, who are both under 5 years old. This left me to carry most of the load for the two kids. Friends saw this and both our families saw this, and have commented on it to me.

She asked me for the separation on a Sunday night. She had been basically out of the house all week. She would come home, and say “I have to go to the gym,” or “I’m going to my friend X’s house.” She later admitted that she had been doing those things but also just sitting in her car in parking lots and thinking about our marriage. So she had all this planned.

She said wanted to split up our bank accounts and that she would be moving out soon, and that she’d like to split the kid time 50/50. Her reasonings were because we are “too different,” that I have prioritized the kids over her (partially true), that the yelling incident made her see me in a totally different light, and that she feels like she is not the person she was when she met me. She said she doesn’t completely like the person she is and wants to reset her life to become more like she was when she was in her 20s when she met me. I begged her to go to counseling with me and even told her that I agreed with her on some of those statements, and told her that obviously I’m working to change my self and improve myself, and that it’s working. She refused to do counseling. I felt like she was scared of counseling and that she was having an identity crisis coupled with depression.

The next week was absolute hell for me. I began planning for divorce. I basically gave up on my job for the week, which my boss was cool with considering the circumstances. I limped to the finish line on Friday. I then took the kids and went to my parents place over the weekend, and recharged.

The following Monday night, we sat down and talked under the auspices of figuring out what to do with school, daycare, money, church, etc. We ended up talking for nearly 3 hours. She acknowledged her faults. I acknowledged mine. I told her I still loved her very much. That I wanted to fight for her. That I wanted to fight for our family. That I wanted to save everything we have built together.

But that’s the big shoe dropped.

For about three months, she had been briefly talking about some guy she was working with. Now, because she works in a female-dominated field, I didn’t pay much attention to it. Most of the guys I know there aren’t your typical alpha males or players. And because my wife has always been someone who preached loyalty and never cheating, (so much so that she said she would take everything I had if I ever did.) I took it all with a grain of salt and gave her a little crap about it, and that was the end of it. Nothing more. I never imagined she would tell me what she did next.

She broke down crying and admitted that she has kissed this man twice. She wouldn’t speak more about the situation than that, other than she did it because I had made her feel less of a woman and he made her feel wanted. She said she has broken it off with him and was ashamed of what she did. She asked for my forgiveness. I have not given her this yet.

I asked her if it was more than kissing and she vehemently said no. I still don’t know if I believe her. She says this guy and her have a lot in common (they work in the same field, obviously), that he made her laugh and that he made her feel pretty, and that’s why she kissed him. I was floored. I have never done anything in our relationship to make her feel unwanted, at least in my POV. I have never been unfaithful, and there have been temptations. I barely even talk to other women who aren’t at work or part of our couple friends circle. I think the first thing I replied was, “And he knew you were married. So that’s the type of person he is.” I didn’t downgrade her for doing what she did. But I tried to make her see the kind of person he is for doing what he did.

This week, she will be moving out and we will be living separately, and we will be splitting the time with the kids. This was her choice. I gave her the choice to stay, even after the kiss admission. I did this for our children, and to try and work it out. We have been cordial this week. She has in recent days said she wants to work it out and wants to end up together in the long run. That she doesn’t want to rush into divorce. 

What the hell am I supposed to do? We both have so much to lose in a divorce, including the time with the kids. Before the one incident and her admission to cheating, we had seven years of what people would think is a near-perfect marriage. I feel that her kissing this guy was her way to get back at me for my yelling incident.

Part of me wants to forgive her and try to work it out, but only if she comes to counseling, and pulls the weight on her end to patch things up. Part of me wants to ask the cute divorcee at my work who always flirts with me to go have a drink and talk about our situations. I know she’s going to see this guy at work. It’s a big place, but still… I don’t want to be forever worried that she’s going to cheat on me with this guy (or someone else) again.

I somehow still love this woman with all my heart. She’s the mother to my children. She has always been my one person. My heart tells me to save the marriage, but head tells me to file start prepping for divorce.

Does anyone have any advice?

TL;DR: My wife of seven years and mother to my two children asked for a separation after just a couple bad months of what I always felt near-perfect marriage. A week later she finally admitted she kissed another man. Do I try to save this marriage?


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## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

This the way you need to act.
Read the way user Remote Way acted. You can't nice her back. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy from Dr. Glover. 

This is from reddit

When I found out of my wife EA it had been going on. 2 weeks just started sending pics nothing to graphic. I had to go away for work for 2 days during this time away I researched this site on the ways to deal with the affair. We talked when I got back she was embarrassed and emotional when she wanted space and time I agreed I packed her a bag dropped her at her parents house and went to the attorney I had picked she drew up a separation agreement. I told all family and close friends what had happened contacted her AP wife told her what was happening. Went to my in-laws explained what was happening told my wife to read and sign the agreement. My wife was shocked at my behaviour and when she tried to get me to talk I told all contact not regarding the children should be through my attorney. Her parents were devastated at her behaviour and supported me and told my wife what they thought of her while I was there. She got uninvited from 2 social events we were to attend i ent without her. Her AP partner wife outed them at their work the local school it was very public both were placed on administrative leave. She call me repeatedly when I drop the kids for the weekend she asked what I was doing to her ruining her life etc I told her about the attorney I talked to her dad I told him I had contacted the AP wife and was going to draft a letter to her boss . This was within a week of Dday. I cut her off from my finances off health insurance etc her car was owned by me I took it back. We eventually reconcile long story short show your WW that her decision has consequences I am a firm believer in getting the retaliation in first I blew you my wife’s world for the get go showed her I was capable of moving on quickly. Please treat her the way she has to be or you may lose her for good. Drop the good guy image for now .


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you have to fight for your marriage you don’t have one. You may love but that doesn’t mean she loves you.

Normally admitted kissing equals a sexual relationship. Shes not going to tell you the whole story. She wants to continue the separation to try out her new shiny boyfriend with you out of the way. Go online and look at your phone bill. Don’t be shocked at what you see.

Hard 180 no contact. Stop with the pick me dance or trying to nice her back. It just makes you look worse.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I have to agree with @Marc878. If she admitted to the kissing, then there was more. She will probably never admit this unless you actually have proof. Also the fact that SHE wants to move out and not stay and try to work on things means that this is probably true. If her focus was on the marriage then she would not want the freedom that her own apartment would give her. She would be bending over backward to be in THIS relationship. I think she is already out the door and just flirting with the idea of staying.. maybe for the kids.. maybe just as a backup.. what ever. Get yourself to a lawyer and find out your rights and what the future may hold.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

They only kissed. Uh huh. Lance Armstrong only took vitamins.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No work can be done on a marriage separated or with another man in it.

The only one who can make you a chump is yourself.

When you check the phone bill you’ll probably find this has been going on quite awhile and your fight was just used as an excuse to separate for her new boyfriend. That’s usually how these things work.

Let her go. Free yourself or linger needlessly.

I hope you wake up you need to. Sorry you’re here but get strong and stay there.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I feel that her kissing this guy was her way to get back at me for my yelling incident.


Ok, so when you both have a fight your wife will go and kiss or have sex with someone else?!
How convenient of her!



ThrownAway074119 said:


> This week, she will be moving out and we will be living separately, and we will be splitting the time with the kids. This was her choice. I gave her the choice to stay, even after the kiss admission. I did this for our children, and to try and work it out. We have been cordial this week. She has in recent days said she wants to work it out and wants to end up together in the long run. That she doesn’t want to rush into divorce.


OK here's what's happening, from experience and reading hundreds of stories here!
Your beloved wife is test driving the other man, usually this happens with a lot of sex and love making, if things go well, she will divorce you and kick you to the curb, if not, and the guy is not welling to commit (usually they don't) or for any other reason she is not happy about, she will come back to you, and you will get the left overs!

You're going to have to wait until she makes up her mind!
Look at it this way: *You payed the full price for something that the other guy got for free and easy!*
Usually the other man (OM) will not commit, they only want some free easy sex (remember, he got your wife for free while you paid the full price!), he most likely will not deal full time with a single Mom who cheated, plus the guy has lots of hot girls at her work place, but your wife was the easy one!

So I believe she will come back to you after he dumps a ton of semen in her!

@ThrownAway074119 what I just said makes the blood boil, because it does!!
Have self respect and dignity and fire her from being your wife, blindside her with divorce papers, and show her you mean business!
From your post you seem to have your head screwed up right, now you just need actions and retaliation, and show her she is playing with the wrong man!!


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Ugh, sorry OP. This story sounds eerily similar to mine. Just happened to me 2 months ago. My story is posted here as well if you want to have a read. You will have TONS of emotions; probably more than you've ever faced. It isn't easy. Only time will heal anything. Stay strong. Do the 180 and try not to cave. No matter what happened before only one person in your marriage made the decision to betray their spouse, and it wasn't you.

Definitely read No More Mr Nice Guy


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, basically, your wife is having an affair (yes, they did more than kiss) and is moving out to freely date her AP while she has you sitting at home with the kids as a nice, safe, Plan B.

If you want to be Plan B, have at it. I, personally, couldn't stomach it.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

I’m sorry, but the odds are that they did more than just kiss, and it started before the separation. 

Tell her she needs to quit her job immediately and take a polygraph. You will know that something more than kissing happened by her reaction to the word “polygraph”. 

Either way, I would suggest you talk to a lawyer ASAP, and get the paperwork started. You can always stop the process at any point, but this is the time to be strong. Show her you refuse to be disrespected by her. Show her you refuse to be her Plan B!!!!!


Do what you must to be an example to your children in how a real man deals with a cheating partner!!!

Do what you must to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye every morning. 

Good luck and stay strong!!
I promise that you will get through this!!


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Very sorry that you are in this mess, but, unfortunately, she is infatuated with this guy. It happens all the time with people who work together. Her moving out will give her an opportunity to try this guy out. If it works, she is not coming back. You are a poor plan B. She has had sex with this guy. Don't believe otherwise. She also intends to continue the sexual relationship when she leaves. Tell her that this is what you believe and that you will act accordingly. Do not believe her ********. 

What to do? File for divorce. Do not be plan B. Tell her that if she has any intention of coming back she will have to take a polygraph for starters to find out the real truth. Do not believe her! Stick to that. If she doesn't have an attitude adjustment, proceed with the divorce. I am so sorry that I must give you this soul-crushing advice, but that is the reality of what you face. Please do not be a doormat. Only tough action MIGHT shake her senses. If she decides to stay, she must quit her job immediately as a condition and go NC with the OM. Polygraph her if she stays. Find out if the OM has a significant other. If so, alert that person. Remember, she is your wife. She is breaking the marital contract. Do not for an instance stand for that behavior. Again, lawyer up and file this week. Tell her that is what you are going to do and DO IT!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> She broke down crying and admitted that she has kissed this man twice


Cheater speak for sex happened.

Check your phone records, she's been contacting this guy since before your blow up. You might not have been perfect, but the cheating is all on her.

This ain't going to work. Don't let her blame you for the affair (but do own your other issues).


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She’s separating so she can test drive the OM without you getting in the way. Be able to go out on dates in public without needing to hide. Please don’t delude yourself that she has not been having sex with this guy. 

The fact that she’s even pulling away from the kids, should tell you how much she is on team OM. If he tells her, “we can move in together but not with your kids”. Don’t be surprised if she would go. Waywards are not just betraying their spouse; they are betraying their kids. She is NOT a good mother, so don’t use that as a reason to want to stay with her.

Also this affair probably pre-dates your outburst in the car. It may have been at the early EA stage during that incident and shortly their after the OM would use it to wedge his way into her pants. We have another LONG thread where the OM used the WW’s complaints about her husband to win into his “friends” pants. 

File for D, separate your finances, expose your wife affair to her family all on the same day without warning. No threats about doing it. Have her served at work. It has a big impact. When you tell her family, tell them in a hell me fight for the family not in your daughter/sister is a who...


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

If you want to know in advance how this will play out, google the same title as your own and read 20 stories or so. The recommendations you receive will not only make more sense but you may actually come to the same conclusions without being told.

The interesting thing about this site is not only have most of us traveled your journey, we've also read and advised hundreds others. Some heed to it and save themselves. Others don't and lose themselves. Either way, just know you've been heard and despite the harsh tones at times, people don't want you to be hurt in the same ways they were. It's like rooting for the underdog when watching a movie, .except this is real life and should be respected as such.

If your wife's in an affair, she's in a movie that has not basis in reality. It's like a dream that you think is real until the alarm clock wakes you at 6. If you too are caught up in the fantasy, you will tread water and possibly lose. If you respond with clarity, reality and decisively you will win.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

No one moves out over two kisses.
She is re-writing your marriage to justify her moving out to be with Mr Newguy.
You wanted to be married, she wants to have a boyfriend and be separated, you should seriously start the divorce ball rolling. She wants out, let her go, tell her she can kiss and have sex with all the co workers she wants but not as your wife. Download the divorce papers from the county and start filling them out, you can stop it if things work out with you2 but if not then you are that much further along than spending 6 months playing the pick me game.
You can't win her back with apologizing and niceness. Give her the freedom, and when she tells Nr Newguy that she getting a D to be with him...well he might just be looking for a sidepiece at work not a wife...unless he already has one.

-Kissing means oral sex, two times means 10 or more, only oral means PIV sex and he is not married, or he is in an awful marriage means he's happily married and likes banging the women at work who fall for his compliments

PS. 80% of the time she was "at her GF" or "at the gym" or "sitting in the car thinking"...she was not alone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ehh… they’ve done more than “just kiss”.

Waaay more.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I feel terrible for you. You want to believe your wife so badly. I understand. Here is the thing. Your wife is a cheater and cheaters lie a lot. The first thing they do is minimize. They give you just enough for you to think you have the truth. Knowing she kissed another man hurts. Now let's translate cheater speak for you, because I've lived it and helped a few betrayed husbands through this too.

When your wife admitted to kissing the POSOM she works with, she meant that they had porn-star sex. They are adults and she is betraying you. What do adults who have feelings for each others do, especially if it's illicit and they don't have much time because one or both of them is sneaking around? They have sex. I also hate to inform you that cheaters don't bother with condoms.

She said she wants a separation but dangling the carrot of fixing your relationship. Let me translate this for you too. She wants you out of the way in order for her to test-drive the POSOM through all his gears and hers, night after night as they stay up, go to sleep and wake up in each others arms naked and in a pool of mixed bodily fluids internal and external.

Your wife has checked out of your marriage. She wants you as a babysitter for her illicit honeymoon (the separation) with the other man. She also would like you to be the convenient plan B just for in-case things don't work out with the POSOM. NEVER be anyone's plan B. You need to have more respect for yourself. At present your wife respects you so little that she is engaging in a physical affair with another man. Even on the off chance that they have only kissed, many WWs confirm that once the kissing boundary is crossed, sex occurred immediately or at the very most within that week. Kissing shatters any remaining boundaries and obstacles in their minds that would have prevented the consummating the adultery with their bodies in it's entirety. Your wife admitting a kiss to you means the chances are 100% that they have already fitted body parts together.

No, granting a [W]ayward [W]ife a separation is about the worst course of action you can take. If she steps out the door, make it clear that the door has become an exit only and there will be no coming back.
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Here are my recommendations for the next actions you should be taking regardless of R or D, these initial steps remain the same (especially the ones that seem counter intuitive to you):

*STD Tests* - You say and want to believe they only kissed. Feelings + physical proximity = sex. You don't know where th POSOM has been. Some of those bugs will kill you, some are a gift that keeps on giving for a lifetime. Tell her that you don't believe it was just a kiss and insist she gets an STD panel done and shows you the results. This will drive home to her that she has destroyed your trust in her. You have yourself tested as well.

*VAR *- Your wife is no longer your friend. You need a [V]oice [A]ctivated [R]ecorder working and recording any conversations you may have. There is also a side benefit in the recording may be used in evidence that you did not hit her on whatever level of depravity you could muster, because you have the proof recorded. (Neve tell your WW about where you got your information, Keep the recordings save and dump it with the rest of the. Also install a GPS tracking unit in her car.

If you need more evidence of the affair, planting a VAR where she uses her telephone and in her car would be helpful.

Always carry the VAR when in conversation with your wife. This has helped many a betrayed husband get recorded proof of the affair and get out of false [D]omestic [V]iolence charges laid by their wife when the chickens come home to roast. "Not my wife", I hear you thinking. These men though the exact same thing.

*Lawyer up* - See as many lawyers (at least the 4 best) in your area as you can (at least those who offer the first 30 minute consults for free). This will create a conflict of interest resulting in her being unable to use them. Retain the biggest bulldog who specializes in a men's rights in divorce. Have her served with divorce papers. Nothing will snap a WW out of the fog quicker than the reality that she is loosing her plan B and stable home. At the very least you need to find out where you would stand financially and in effect to custody of children.

*Expose *- Expose the affair to your family, her family, mutual friends, her workplace (with a legal caveat) and lastly, anyone who cares to listen, in descending order of priority. You might forgo telling her workplace if you are dead-set on divorce and you need her to retain her income. Affairs (like mushrooms) thrive in the dark. Exposure to sunlight (the cold, hard light of truth) will causes most affairs to shrivel up and die.

If the other man is married, engaged or has a series girlfriend, that person is the most important person to inform as they are also being cheated upon. She will most likely become your ally in combating this amoral disgrace of an affair.

*Full Transparency - access to Social Media, Chat Apps, Email and Devices with passwords to all* - There is no room for secrets in a marriage and a wife who goes around "kissing" other men definitely deserves none. Demand full access as listed above. Your marriage is at best, on life support and at worst, already dead. There is no such thing as snooping in critical care. You need to find and verify the depth of the betrayal. Even if you want to R, R requires forgiveness and you cannot forgive what you do not know.

*Split the Finances* - Open up a bank account in your name only. Withdraw half the money from joint accounts and deposit it in your bank account to which she has no access. Make sure your salary is directed into that separated account in future. Put a stop to further spending all joint credit cards etc. Make sure she can not spend what is not hers.

*Timeline* - Have your wife write out a full timeline including each contact with full descriptions of all communication and contact between them, including dates, places and method of communication and nature of contact. Give her a week to complete this task. Tell her it has to be complete and contain the full untarnished truth with no omissions as she will have to answer questions based on this in a polygraph.

*Detach* - This is for you. Your marriage is most likely over. Women move onto a new man quickly. Read up and implement a detachment method called the 180. You need to make wise, cold and calculated decisions about your future in the very near future and it is best made if you view the situation from an altitude of 50,000 ft high and not mired down in the swamp. The only way you can do this is by detaching yourself from your wife.

*Gather more information* - Cheaters lie, PERIOD. You are in peril if you believe a single word out of her mouth right now. Get her phone and laptop, run recovery software on it. You may find a lot more information. Recover emails, chat app and social media messages. If her phone is not a company phone, install keylogging and tracking (spy) software on it and her laptop. This will provide you with information about further contact and location.

*No Separation* - This deserves repetition. If she moves out of the house, she should be made to understand that divorce is to follow and that there is no coming back. In separation she would be spending marital assets in order to be another man's free prostitute because some of your half of the marital assets will be footing that bill. Yes that is really what she's asking you to allow her to do when asking for the separation. Do you really want some other man's free prostitute back as a wife? Do you really want to help pay for your wife being another man's free prostitute?
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If she wants you back and you see true remorse on her part, your minimum requirement must be:

*No further communication with AP* - As long as they are in contact of any means the affair is ongoing. She must write an *NC* email or text (short and to the point with no I'm sorry's or I'll miss what we had), no platitudes or closures, neither she nor he deserves closure on this illicit affair. She must write this message and send it with you present, then block the POSOM everywhere.

Unfortunately they work together, for NC she needs to quit that job. PERIOD. Expose the affair at the workplace, to HR to make sure you kill it there and salt their fertile ground where the affair bloomed.

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More will come to mind, but I highly recommend you taking the steps outlined above.

Strength to you, man, this might be one of the hardest roads you'll ever be forced to travel.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I feel terrible for you. You want to believe your wife so badly. I understand. Here is the thing. Your wife is a cheater and cheaters lie a lot. The first thing they do is minimize. They give you just enough for you to think you have the truth. Knowing she kissed another man hurts. Now let's translate cheater speak for you, because I've lived it and helped a few betrayed husbands through this too.
> 
> When your wife admitted to kissing the POSOM she works with, she meant that they had porn-star sex. They are adults and she is betraying you. What do adults who have feelings for each others do, especially if it's illicit and they don't have much time because one or both of them is sneaking around? They have sex. I also hate to inform you that cheaters don't bother with condoms.
> 
> ...


this read this twice


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

File for divorce. Keep the kids as much as possible.
I’m sure she had sex with him - I’m sure she was with him every time she said she was “sitting in a parking lot thinking about your marriage”. I’m sure she didn’t end it with him. Have her followed if you want to really know. Check her phone bill too!

She thinks you are a fool. Don’t be that guy.

She wants to act single = simply divorce her knowing she is going to act single whether you are with her or not.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> File for divorce. Keep the kids as much as possible.
> I’m sure she had sex with him - I’m sure she was with him every time she said she was “sitting in a parking lot thinking about your marriage”. I’m sure she didn’t end it with him. Have her followed if you want to really know. Check her phone bill too!
> 
> She thinks you are a fool. Don’t be that guy.
> ...


I can't see the point of running after a dog that does not want to stay at home , 
and FOR ME i don't need to spend money on spying unless it would reduce the amount he ends up haying in the divorce 
she has left the marriage 
he did not make feel good about herself ,
they grew apart life moved on 
while i think she has had sex with her lover boy for me the fact she does not love her husband now is the most important part of it 
the kiss or if there was sex is the second step the first was the lack of love falling out of love 

if I was op I would be looking at this now as lowest cost and move on 
don't get too cough up in a battle for what is lost 
things went wrong long before the kiss and this is going on longer than he thinks , 

I would suspect it goes back to the first time she had sex at work came home and had sex that night with husband out of guilt ,

many think if the cheater is getting sex outside they stop having sex at home 
i think when the cheater first starts having sex outside they come home and have sex again , 
part because of guilt and while they are having sex at home they are thinking of the sex with the other ,


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

And I would expect you to be honest about your anger. 
I’ve never known anyone to do anger management over raising their voice one time. Ever.

Hopefully you keep doing the classes - it will help your future relationships. When the anger has consistently killed any relationships - it’s very difficult for those that have been abused to stay and wonder if they will be subjected to more.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

First thing is this. Your cheating wife is separating so she can continue the affair with her coworker. That is the ONLY reason for the separation. She might want to get back together after she is done f’n his brains out. 

She has basically abandoned you and the kids for how long now! Find the best divorce lawyer you can and find out what your options are. Look into your wife leaving the marital home and your kids. Go for 60/40 custody and primary care giver. You have to protect yourself and your kids. 

Even if you decide to take back the cheater, you have to protect yourself now.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

One thing I didn't pick up in your post was the lack of anger.

Your wife is BLOWING up her family, and for what, another man??

She's willing to do this because she kissed another man twice?? Pull my other leg and it plays jingle bells.

First thing you need to do is to get honest with yourself. About your wife, what's She's doing, what she's done, and what she's trying to pull over on you.

Yes you want her to be honest with you, but more importantly you need to be honest with yourself. 

You came here for a reason because deep down you know what's up but you're in denial. No judgment as countless people on here have been where you currently find yourself. 

As pointed out, your wife is NOT a good mother. Who BLOWS up their family for selfish reasons? 

You asked, "what do I do"? You know what to do but fear is keeping you from taking action.

When you stood before God, your families and your friends, and said your vows, did you take them serious or were they just words?

"In good times and bad times" and things get a little tough and what does your wife do?

She brings another man into your relationship. 
Was that part of the vows you committed to because if it was I'm sure you wouldn't have married her (nor her you) if you knew up front that she was going to do this.

Again were the vows just words or did you take them seriously because most vows say "forsaking ALL others".

Is this what your wife is doing? HELL NO!!

So if it were me, seeing what my wife is doing, F'g another man (and YES this is what she's doing) and neglecting our two kids in the process so much so that our families are seeing it.....would get me PISSED OFF!!

By looking you in the eyes and lying to you she's playing you for the Village idiot which means she has NO respect for you.

Ask yourself this....is this who you want to be married to? 

More than likely the people at her work see your wife carrying on with this guy and they're thinking to themselves "her poor husband....if he only knew".

Time to take action!!
Time to nip this in the bud.

If she wants to screw around with this guy and try to spin it to you that she's trying to "find herself"....let her do it, however she can do so with caveat, NOT as your wife.

Nor will you keep her lying cheating lustful home breaking actions in the dark. NOPE. Tell her parents and her family along with your parents and family along with your friends what is going on. 

Stop trying to protect her because she obviously doesn't give a damn about protecting you and your two kids. Get the TRUTH out there before she spins it that you're some monster.

"Like any marriage, we have our ups and downs, and I took our vows seriously and willing to work on our relationship because my marriage and my family mean everything to me. However, where I draw the line, is bringing someone else into our marriage. It's like bringing a rattlesnake into my home and doing nothing about it. I need to protect my kids and hope you can understand and respect where I'm coming from and what I have to do moving forward".

Than file and have her served.
Any dialog from that point forward (unless it's about the kids) will go through your attorney. 

Maybe your wife will wake the F up but then again maybe she won't. Quit blaming yourself as well. Is this how you want your life to be in the future? You do something your wife doesn't like and so she goes to another man to comfort her and to get intimate with? Seriously? That is NO way to live!!

Instead of wondering what the heck has just happened and being in denial, time to get real and do what you HAVE to do!!

It sucks being in this situation and trust me the people here at TAM know from experience how painful and gut wrenching this is especially with kids involved. 

One day you'll look back at this, and as you're looking at yourself in the mirror, are you going to like what you see?

Did you have enough self respect for yourself and for your kids to stand up for yourself and your family? So much so that despite how painful it was you took the action that you know in your heart (and mind and soul and spirit) that you needed to take.

OR

Are you looking at your reflection in the mirror years from now DESPISING yourself that you didn't have the courage to stand up for yourself and your kids because you were too AFRAID and you were willing to let her continue to disrespect you or you just wanted this nightmare to go away and you just swept it under the carpet?

The choice is up to you?

At some point you will HAVE to deal with this. 

The more you put it off it's going to slowly DESTROY every part of you!! Your kids will pay the ultimate price. 

Choose wisely!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Two weeks ago, my (M37) wife (F33) of more than seven years asked me for a separation.
> 
> *Although it came somewhat out of the blue, it was preceded by about seven weeks of terrible communication, tensions related to her work, her being physically and emotionally absent from the home and household duties (kids, little things, etc.)*
> it was preceded by at least 3 months of tour wife and lover boy flirting and then having sex.
> ...


I’m sorry, but if you passively accept her moving out and banging another guy without filing for divorce and getting yourself a decent custody agreement immediately, you are doing a life altering ****up. Please see an attorney, who has seen this play out a million times, and they will tell you the same. Time is of the essence to protect yourself.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

*ThrownAway074119: Get a lawyer. Don't tell her you are getting one. Get a jump on it. Give him/her all the information you can and make sure whoever you pick that they have a reputation for being a bulldog in the courtroom.

Because she'll end up asking for more than half of what she is entitled. Make sure if you are the one that leaves the house that you get your half the equity in it and sign a quit claim deed in exchange for her refinancing and getting your name off. 

Basically start the process and be ahead of the game before she even knows what hits her.

Oh, and that part about loving her because she is the mother of your children, well she sure as hell isn't thinking about her children to betray their father like that and risk their security and intact family by going off and shagging(and yes, she shagged) another man.*


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ok Thrownaway, time for you give us your thoughts on the direction you're moving with this issue. By her own admission, you know at a minimum, she was playing kissy face, and probably grab azz with this cat. You know its possible, and even likely, it went well beyond that. You know her terrible communication, tensions being physically and emotionally absent weeks prior to wanting a vacation from you indicates there was trouble in paradise caused by something. You now know another man has sniffing around the goodies and may already be sampling the goodies. You know a reason for her wanting her privacy from you is possibly her method of spending unencumbered time with this "gentleman" from work. What's your plan Dawg?

BTW, the part of you that wants to ask the cute divorcee who always flirts with you to go have a drink and talk about your situations, it may be good for you my man. Just keep it under your hat.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

This all started before you yelled at her. She will have been flirting with, and possibly semi-dating, this guy around the time she first started getting distant. The shouting episode might have nudged her towards a more physical relationship. He was there to support her emotionally (barf) after your fight and friendly hugs developed into kisses. Not long after that they started having sex, probably in the car or a hotel near work. 

She hasn't broken up with him. There is a good chance that she only told you because someone else knows so she is doing damage control. She wants to seperate because she doesn't want to be called a cheater (which is exactly what she is). 

Exposure might be your best bet to try and prevent her leaving you. This separation is a nail in the coffin of your relationship and if it happens then you may aswell divorce. It is probably time to consult with a lawyer. 

Don't waste your breath trying to get the truth out of her. She will be colluding with her boyfriend and she will tell you nothing but lies. Take the action with sits best with your values/morals. Don't try and be a martre for the kids. Look after yourself, it will be a long road.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ThrownAway074119 your wife is playing you for a fool. She probably set you up to shout (before witnesses? What a coincidence!) so she could set her plan in motion.

If she has been treating both you and the children with contempt and indifference, why would she want any custody of the children? that seems unlikely.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Have you talked to the guy? Her boss? HR? I would be in scorched earth mode (with a calm voice and calculated manner).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nuclear HR dept missile needs sending.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Ok Thrownaway, time for you give us your thoughts on the direction you're moving with this issue. By her own admission, you know at a minimum, she was playing kissy face, and probably grab azz with this cat. You know its possible, and even likely, it went well beyond that. You know her terrible communication, tensions being physically and emotionally absent weeks prior to wanting a vacation from you indicates there was trouble in paradise caused by something. You now know another man has sniffing around the goodies and may already be sampling the goodies. You know a reason for her wanting her privacy from you is possibly her method of spending unencumbered time with this "gentleman" from work. What's your plan Dawg?
> 
> BTW, the part of you that wants to ask the cute divorcee who always flirts with you to go have a drink and talk about your situations, it may be good for you my man. Just keep it under your hat.


Well, I took the one posters advice — which I didn’t even think about until he said it — and looked at her phone records. It’s full of texts and calls to one specific number. I had the kids all weekend and most of the week while she basically moved out. In that time of five days, she had exchanged about 1,000 texts and talked to the person with this number on the phone for roughly four hours total. (Is he not around here? I don’t get it.)

Last night after I got home, she came over late because we needed to talk about finances desperately. At my suggestion, we finally split all the finances as best we could. She had the phone account under her email and everything, and she wanted to split that too. That’s fine. We had talked about that. Thank God that prior to this, I had gone into our phone records and download about five months worth of calls. I couldn’t figure out the history on all the texts. But I got the last five days, which is where I saw the exchanges.

On top of that, I went into where you can read the texts and she was actively texting with the person while I went in there. Unfortunately she got a ping on her phone saying that someone had accessed that and she immediately called me and asked if I was doing something. I played it off as learning about a new trick on Verizon from my teenage nephew and wanting to use that trick so I could text on my computer desktop. She didn’t really buy it but she didn’t have any recourse because she knew I caught her.

When she got to our (my?) house, I kept an eye on her phone to see if I could see anything on her text messages. Finally, I got a chance and I noticed that every text message between her and that number had been deleted.

Here’s the kicker. I signed up for Been Verified to look up this number. It’s almost certainly a burner. So did she get it for him? Is he cheating on someone too? Does he do this a lot? And that’s why he has burner phones, so no one catches him? The questions abound. I’ve spent about $30 and I still don’t know who this guy is.

Our conversation ended pretty badly last night. I told her that I wanted to work things out but if she is still talking with someone, it’s going to be over. She knew she was caught and basically fled the house under the “I’m tired,” guise. She’s taking her youngest tonight because I have stuff going on. I’m sure I’ll see her again. I plan to press her one more time.

I reengaged with my preferred lawyer this morning and she advised me that it’s really hard to prove infidelity without pictures, and that our state doesn’t really care anyway. She said that the only thing we could do is push for me to have lead custody because of it, under the auspices of her not living up to her end of the bargain with the children since she has been physically and emotionally absent since this person came into the picture. We have lots of evidence of that thanks to neighbors and friends and family. 

So now, as you probably expect, I’m pissed. Royally. She was moving some more **** out today anyway and when she tried to take a couple things that I had told her were staying, I went off. I told her she doesn’t get to pick and choose what she takes to her new life. 

We are writing down everything that she removes from the home. We are probably steaming headlong into divorce only three days after she tried to convince me that will probably be able to work this out.

To me the biggest hurt is the needless betrayal of me and the children. Not to mention lying. She has never been a liar in her life. She’s normally honest to a fault. I truly think she needs to go to a therapist. She is refusing it though because she knows in her mind that she’s wrong, and what she has done is damaging to so many people around her. My lawyer says that I may be able to force her to do that though.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Was she calling this guy prior to your blow up at her in the car?

ETA: Did you call the number?


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

re16 said:


> Was she calling this guy prior to your blow up at her in the car?


Not that I could track she started talking to this guy in the phone in July 20, and the frequency of the calls escalated quickly. She asked me for a separation on July 25. She spent lots of time on the phone with her friend, sister (who is on her second failing marriage) and mother during that time too.

I basically went through and did a search on every phone number she talked to between my blow up and that first contact with the phone number. Not one thing caught my eye. But they may have been texting and I couldn’t figure out those records.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

And this is why you need to pay for a PI. To do this stuff. Because that's what his damned job entails.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Best thing you do here is let her go. Tell her you want her to be happy, maybe you'll get more favorable divorce terms.

She blew up the marriage for this guy, if it isn't him, it will be the next.

Focus on yourself and your kids.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

syhoybenden said:


> And this is why you need to pay for a PI. To do this stuff. Because that's what his damned job entails.


I live in a small town. We don’t have private investigators here. Hell, it won’t be long before half the town knows we are breaking up. Could get interesting if they find out why. Then again, wealthier buddy got cheated on last summer and she flaunts it now while he still feel like he’s in the midst of a depression.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Glad you have found some righteous anger and hope you keep your resolve to get out of infidelity. Once this stuff starts, it never gets better. Just divorce her and heal faster. I’m sorry


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

re16 said:


> Best thing you do here is let her go. Tell her you want her to be happy, maybe you'll get more favorable divorce terms.
> 
> She blew up the marriage for this guy, if it isn't him, it will be the next.
> 
> Focus on yourself and your kids.


That seems to be my most desirable path right now. I want her to be happy. Even if it’s without me. But I don’t want this guy around my kids either. They’re confused enough.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

She is out test driving the OM. Stay quit. Go no contact with your wandering wife. She'll be back when the Skittles farting unicorn of a romance takes a crap. It's coming. Mark my words. The OM is not looking for a full package deal that is all inclusive of kids. Get your lawyer in order.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> That seems to be my most desirable path right now. I want her to be happy. Even if it’s without me. But I don’t want this guy around my kids either. They’re confused enough.


Its going to be tough.... but I'll put money on that he liked things casual, and that an emotional woman and her kids is the last thing he wants to be dealing with. He'll find his next target soon enough.

Your wife will realize how stupid it all was when that happens, but unfortunately that will be the course of events.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> She is out test driving the OM. Stay quit. Go no contact with your wandering wife. She'll be back when the Skittles farting unicorn of a romance takes a crap. It's coming. Mark my words. The OM is not looking for a full package deal that is all inclusive of kids. Get your lawyer in order.


Well on my way on that last part. I have engaged with a recommended and higher priced lawyer from a larger community. She handles multimillion dollar divorces.

I have three assets that I need to protect. My kids. My retirement. And my farmland, which is in a trust with a brother. Those are gonna be three really big sticking points.

I am going to ask her to forfeit any claim to my retirement and anything associated with the farmland. Let the lawyers battle it out for the kids. Whatever I can’t afford, my parents have said they will assist me with.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> That seems to be my most desirable path right now. I want her to be happy. Even if it’s without me. But I don’t want this guy around my kids either. They’re confused enough.


You just want her to be happy as she’s blowing you and your kids life up? I’m sure she really appreciate you helping hide her affair. What are you getting out of that?

She will be introducing your kids to him shortly if she hasn’t already and there isn’t a thing you can do to stop her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nailhead said:


> She is out test driving the OM. Stay quit. Go no contact with your wandering wife. She'll be back when the Skittles farting unicorn of a romance takes a crap. It's coming. Mark my words. The OM is not looking for a full package deal that is all inclusive of kids. Get your lawyer in order.


she will be back, I agree, IF you show her the door. As said, the skittles farting unicorn will not be ridden to Asgard Most likely. Guys don’t normally screw married women hoping to marry them, and I can tell you for. Fact that single life can be tough if you’re not wealthy.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You just want her to be happy as she’s blowing you and your kids life up? I’m sure she really appreciate you helping hide her affair. What are you getting out of that?
> 
> She will be introducing your kids to him shortly if she hasn’t already and there isn’t a thing you can do to stop her.


I want her to be happy in the sense that she doesn’t screw up my kids more than they’re already going to be.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I want her to be happy in the sense that she doesn’t screw up my kids more than they’re already going to be.


Good luck. No contact even with kids can be done well. I know 3 friends who do it. She’ll want the best of both worlds so you’ll get the Let’s be friends. That will be for her at your expense.

Unfortunately you will have no control over her end. Better plan now. No one can make you a chump unless you allow it. If you want more info let me know.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> she will be back, I agree, IF you show her the door. As said, the skittles farting unicorn will not be ridden to Asgard Most likely. Guys don’t normally screw married women hoping to marry them, and I can tell you for. Fact that single life can be tough if you’re not wealthy.


They don’t all come back. What you’d better think of is what would you be getting back?
Being a martyr is hard thankless work. Kids grow up and nobody gives a damn about your sacrifices.
Life is short. Don’t waste it.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> They don’t all come back. What you’d better think of is what would you be getting back?
> Being a martyr is hard thankless work. Kids grow up and nobody gives a damn about your sacrifices.
> Life is short. Don’t waste it.


That’s how I feel right now. Up until two weeks ago, this was the woman I planned to spend the rest of my life. I was starting to plan and save for a DisneyWorld vacation for us in a few years. I was planning on increasing the size of her diamond in her wedding ring for Christmas. So of course there’s still a part of my heart that wants her.

But from what she has done and from what she has said in recent days, it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t want me unless I’m second pick. And that’s heartbreaking, but I also have to be a man and make sure I stay strong for my boys.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yes, your kids will learn most from you. Your heart will betray you in these situations so try and use your head. Don’t lie to your kids to cover for your wife. They aren’t stupid. Keeping them in the dark only causes anxiety. People can deal with a known better than an unknown.

One of my friends has 2 girls in grade school. He runs a very tight no contact.

He has his time, his x has hers. He allows nothing together. Everything is kept separate. All communication is done by text or email. Anything not D or children related he ignores. He said it was the best thing he’s done. He said his kids adjusted and it’s now just a way of life. After 2 years he met his current fiancé. He waited a year before introducing her to his kids. He traded way up.

This is your life and you count too. Better put some thought into this or she will control you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Don't be plan B. No contact etc works, but I think being reasonable divorced co-parents is better for the kids if possible. I wouldn't move directly to no-contact, unless she makes it unworkable.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Just because you live in a small town doesn't mean you can't hire a PI. 

You don't have to hire a PI to follow her. You can hire one to find out who this other guy is, if he's married, where he lives, does he have kids etc.

Your attorney should be able to help you find one.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO in the case of cheating no contact is your only good path unless you can swallow being a doormat.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I live in a small town. We don’t have private investigators here. Hell, it won’t be long before half the town knows we are breaking up. Could get interesting if they find out why.


Use this as leverage for your divorce. But be subtle. Blackmail is an ugly word. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> But from what she has done and from what she has said in recent days, it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t want me unless I’m second pick. And that’s heartbreaking, but I also have to be a man and make sure I stay strong for my boys.


Sounds like you have a pretty good conception of what's goin on. It hard to walk away when you had the belief that you found the right one and it goes to **** right before your eyes. But you have to ask yourself, do you really want a spouse that walks out on you, ****s other guys, and maybe later wants to get back with you. Even if, in a few weeks or months, she realizes she made a serious mistake, you'll by playing mind movies intermittently for years to come of some other guy(s) plowing that farm land you reacquired and how his ridgeplow worked her furrow.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Let me start by saying, I'm sorry you're here. But, you need to stop believing what you want to be true, and look at the actual truth.

There are a lot of people saying she did more than kiss. Listen to them; they are correct. What she did is called the "trickle truth". She freely admits to something that happened that you did not know about in order to establish a truthful rapport with you concerning this other man. High schoolers kiss; adults have sex. Read you post and pretend someone else wrote it and you'll see the truth of this.

The reason she first wanted to leave but now wants to stay is that reality is setting in. During the beginning of an affair the cheater will delude themselves. She was ready to leave you with the kids to have her fun in the fantasy her mind has created but now that she sees the mess she is in, she is setting up a plan B. If she really wants to work things out, she'll agree to counselling. The reason she doesn't want to see a counselor is that she's afraid the truth will come out in that setting.

You must make your decision on what to do based on the fact that she has had or is having an affair. If you're willing to still try and make it work, she will need to admit to the whole truth before you can move forward.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

re16 said:


> Don't be plan B. No contact etc works, but I think being reasonable divorced co-parents is better for the kids if possible. I wouldn't move directly to no-contact, unless she makes it unworkable.





confusedFather said:


> Let me start by saying, I'm sorry you're here. But, you need to stop believing what you want to be true, and look at the actual truth.
> 
> There are a lot of people saying she did more than kiss. Listen to them; they are correct. What she did is called the "trickle truth". She freely admits to something that happened that you did not know about in order to establish a truthful rapport with you concerning this other man. High schoolers kiss; adults have sex. Read you post and pretend someone else wrote it and you'll see the truth of this.
> 
> ...


Before she ever admitted to the infidelity, I told her we get divorced without counseling. Now I almost want to go to counseling to see if she reveals more than what she already has.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

No man. No counseling. I'm where you are(well about a month past it)...I know you have thoughts of getting back together. I know you are thinking "well maybe if we just do this, change that, go to counseling, get her help, etc..." The term around here is "hopium".

Do a hard 180









The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com





You really just have to ask yourself, "Why do i want to be with this person? A person capable of this. Betrayal, lying, literally ****ing another guy behind my back. Someone that made hundreds of calculated decisions to hide this affair and go behind yoru back while telling you she loves you"

It's sickening, I get it. I'm there with you now. You just have to break contact with her outside of kids. The second you have a conversation about the marriage that timer will be reset. Trust me. If you want to chat with someone going through the same stuff as you right now, PM me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Before she ever admitted to the infidelity, I told her we get divorced without counseling. Now I almost want to go to counseling to see if she reveals more than what she already has.


Don’t get yourself stuck on this. Cheaters always lie a lot. You know the truth. She’ll never tell you the truth voluntarily. Like most you are honest so you can’t understand a liar.

They don’t want separation over a kiss or an EA. She wants you out of the way so she can devote herself fully to her shiny new boyfriend. The other problem is she may up and do this again. The capability is there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Before she ever admitted to the infidelity, I told her we get divorced without counseling. Now I almost want to go to counseling to see if she reveals more than what she already has.


I usually suggest counselling, but in your case? I don't see it would be of any benefit to you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is NOT who you married. She changed the second she entertained the thought of another man. Now she’s your enemy and you can’t see it. All you see is the person you married, which absolutely doesn’t exist today. One day you’re going to think to yourself, “she seems like a totally different person”. She is. She doesn’t live you anymore. Don’t settle now for what you wouldn’t settle for years ago.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@ThrownAway074119 - You should do the unexpected. Call the number and talk with the guy. Get a read on him, figure out his intentions. He may just tell you. Your wife will be shocked that you did so. She will feel violated. She will also feel like she's losing control, because she no longer owns the narrative. As long as you are resolved to split from your wife, you are suddenly putting all the pressure on the OM. 

And yes, it's actually quite likely the OM will fill in the details for you and that could help end your mind-movies.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Calling the OM wouldn’t hurt. 

Let him know if he does anything to hurt your kids, he better pray that the police get to him first. Tell him best of luck with a known cheater that he can have the two bit ho.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I was already having a bad day and *it came after months of her being forgetful, unengaged with household activities and children,* and her basically acting like a slave to her job.


Your wife has been involved with someone else for quite a while. If not this guy, someone else. One incident of yelling doesn't usually kill a marriage. It can be used as an excuse, though.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Before she ever admitted to the infidelity, I told her we get divorced without counseling. Now I almost want to go to counseling to see if she reveals more than what she already has.


Marriage counselors usually end up working like the family court judges; very biased against a man’s grievances and quick to take up sympathetic stance towards a wife’s short falls. Besides, you already know way more than enough. 

Do not delude yourself, her affair has nothing to do with your outburst and very like predates it; at least in EA form. After she consummated their relationship, is when she pulled away from you. That she has even been visibly pulling away from the kids as well, should tell you that she is shamelessly going all in reaching for that monkey branch. MANY WWs think this but it rarely works for them because most men instinctively know that a woman that’s willing to betray her husband and kids would do the same to him. Besides, most men don’t want another man’s kids. So her pulling away from them too could be that she’s ready to dump them as well.

So please get your head into the fight. You have a WW that is mentally further done with the marriage than we normally get. It could all just be fog but the speed at which she moved tells me she’s done with you.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

She is gone man. I'm so sorry this happened to you but you really need to let her go.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I have three assets that I need to protect. My kids. My retirement. And my farmland, which is in a trust with a brother. Those are gonna be three really big sticking points.
> 
> I am going to ask her to forfeit any claim to my retirement and anything associated with the farmland.


Reality check- any contributions you made to "your" retirement account(s) during the marriage are half hers, in most cases.

She'd be a fool to agree to accept anything less.

If your share in the farmland was obtained during the marriage she probably has a stake in that as well.

As far as your kids go, you can try for 50/50 joint custody but the odds are generally not in your favor, and odds are you'll get visitation something along the lines of every other weekend and a couple of weekday overnights.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to get her served quickly. With her being so focused on making herself available for OM, she may be more flexible on your assets if it gets you out of the way. With how she’s even been pulling away from the kids too, I’d bet she’s going to perfectly fine with 50/50 custody. She may even be willing to give you full custody, if it means closing the deal with her soulmate. Which you should definitely accept because you don’t want to stand in the way of true wuv. You want it all legally done before her life implodes.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I’d almost guarantee she had sex with the guy. When I first suspected my ex of cheating all she fessed up to was kissing the OM. I soon found out it was much much more than that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"we kissed" is code for something else.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> "we kissed" is code for something else.


 

This is so true.....


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Sorry for what you are going through @ThrownAway074119 

You said you had the number have you tried to call the number? I think you need to put your cards on the table and tell her you know about the guy that she has been communicating with and it has been more than she said. Also, that she is still communicating with him after she said she has not and if it is not him she is with still another guy. Let know that if there is any chance of having a R she needs to stop all activity with the OM and come clean with what she has done to not only you but the kids as well. Best of luck!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree it may throw her off if you call her OM - he may be married… but really you don’t need to say much. Don’t give any info away - maybe he will do the talking. Ask questions - see what he says.

But - it will be useful to let him know clearly that she isn’t welcome in your life any longer.

That alone may scare her (and him) - but if nothing else it lets her OM know you don’t want this woman she’s become. And if he’s married he will feel the heat (because I’m sure she expects some things from him since she left her marriage FOR HIM).

So then she will know you know! And don’t pretend you don’t know - just tell her point blank what a complete jerk she’s been.

If he lived close by seems like he would have been with her as soon as she moved - so maybe he doesn’t live locally. Maybe he’s married and visits your area often.

When she contacts asking what you are doing - don’t give in - don’t answer any questions - allow her to understand that you know exactly the person she’s become and you want her far away from you! 
Yes, be honest about her behavior - without raising your voice.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A lot of marriage counselors are rugsweepers and may try and blame you for her affair. She’s broken not the marriage.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> I agree it may throw her off if you call her OM - he may be married… but really you don’t need to say much. Don’t give any info away - maybe he will do the talking. Ask questions - see what he says.
> 
> But - it will be useful to let him know clearly that she isn’t welcome in your life any longer.
> 
> ...


 I would call the number from a phone in a hotel or some where other than using your own phone ,


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Not really sure why you are even investigating any more. This is over. And infidelity isn't going to get you more money or anything.

Just divide everything up and sign papers.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> Not really sure why you are even investigating any more. This is over. And infidelity isn't going to get you more money or anything.
> 
> Just divide everything up and sign papers.


 I would not sell out easy 
first I think it is good to fight for the relationship 
but if it looks as this case looks that the wife has pulled out of the relationship 
he needs to know just what she was up to and get the best deal for himself and the kids


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> "we kissed" is code for something else.


Ok, I've checked this out on my decoder ring and this is what I've come up with:

The "w" is equal to "w"
The "d" is equal to "d"
The first "s" is equal to "c"
The second "s" is equal to "k''
The "k" is equal to "f"
The "e" is equal to "e"
The "i" is equal to "u"


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

There are no winners. She is a cheater and therefore a loser. She wanted a family and she failed. You are obviously not winning anything either. The new bloke is trying to collect sex from a broken/breaking woman, that makes him the biggest loser of all. A family is fine as long as you both work at it, but, if one of you doesn't try then it is a total waste of time. You can still date other women after a divorce. Your kids will still love you. Keep fit and healthy and everything will take care of itself.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Ok, I've checked this out on my decoder ring and this is what I've come up with:
> 
> The "w" is equal to "w"
> The "d" is equal to "d"
> ...


thanks. i must have an old decoder ring. mine said "Drink Your Ovaltine"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here is a graphic representation of your wife, @ThrownAway074119


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

smi11ie said:


> There are no winners. She is a cheater and therefore a loser. She wanted a family and she failed. You are obviously not winning anything either. The new bloke is trying to collect sex from a broken/breaking woman, that makes him the biggest loser of all. A family is fine as long as you both work at it, but, if one of you doesn't try then it is a total waste of time. You can still date other women after a divorce. Your kids will still love you. Keep fit and healthy and everything will take care of itself.


true and why any woman would have anything to do with a guy with a burner phone i find it hard to understand 
I would not be suprised if she was back in a few weeks looking for forgiveness


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frenchpaddy said:


> true and why any woman would have anything to do with a guy with a burner phone i find it hard to understand
> I would not be suprised if she was back in a few weeks looking for forgiveness


Soon-to-be-cheating wife:- "A burner phone? Ooh, how mysterious! How exciting!"

Also, Cheating wife: "He gave me an STD?"









Cheated on husband: "Oh well!"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> thanks. i must have an old decoder ring. mine said "Drink Your Ovaltine"


Drink More Ovaltine!

There....I fixed it for ya!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Most MCs are BS rug sweepers.
In your mind you already know the truth of what went on. Don't expect her to admit anything other than what you have absolute proof.
R requires forgiveness at some point. How can you truly forgive someone who still lies to you about what has happened.
Forget MC, she will not admit to anything you cannot prove. The disrespect for you and the marriage is obvious. Lots of BSs get hung up an the "why" and will never get an answer that suits them. So why would you chase what you will never catch?
I hope you can admit that your path forward is obvious also. Good luck.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Just checking in. How are are you doing?

Hope you are doing as well as possible.
Hang in there. It will eventually get better.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

Kamstel2 said:


> Just checking in. How are are you doing?
> 
> Hope you are doing as well as possible.
> Hang in there. It will eventually get better.


Well it’s not officially over, but it’s close. She has moved out. She forced me to break up the phone bill so I would stop monitoring her. I’ve debated I’m getting one of those spy apps but don’t wanna be caught doing it.

She said she’d shut it off with this guy. I’m convinced she hasn’t at all from the way she guards her phone like a bar of gold every moment I’m around her. She never used to do that. Ever. That obviously tells me it’s not over. Even if it is just talking at this point.

She says she wants to “pump the breaks” on divorce. They were being too hasty. That she just wanted to move out and “discover her independence again.” I say, “Then we go to counseling and air all this out. Both sides. And see if it’s even have a chance to work.” She always says some version of, “I’m just not ready for that yet.” Her mom will be here the next 6 days (half because she can’t handle the kids on her own and half because we need someone to watch kids before school starts), Before all this, her mom has always been a fan of mine and constantly praised me as a husband and father, so that could create some opportunities for reconciliation. I have told my wife that she needs to reveal to her mom all of what she has told me is the truth. I can’t wait to see what happens then. 

Overall, I’d say right now we’re in separation limbo. I can’t trust her. She won’t listen to me.

I have lost 15 pounds. She looks great too. Neither of us can eat apparently, and we’re both working out like crazy to ease the pain and stress. It’s kind of F’d up. 

Pretty sure I’ll end up divorced and broke. Can’t wait to find out who this guy is.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

dude...what the hell man. You are ALLOWING yourself to be in "separation limbo". So, you are allowing her to move out, delay the divorce filing, take her off the phone bill(Lol!) and then butter up the mom...and you are still thinking about reconciliation?

She has you right where she wants and you are letting her walk all over you. We've all been through/going through very simliar situations. You need to do the 180 ASAP


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Well it’s not officially over, but it’s close. She has moved out. She forced me to break up the phone bill so I would stop monitoring her. I’ve debated I’m getting one of those spy apps but don’t wanna be caught doing it.
> 
> She said she’d shut it off with this guy. I’m convinced she hasn’t at all from the way she guards her phone like a bar of gold every moment I’m around her. She never used to do that. Ever. That obviously tells me it’s not over. Even if it is just talking at this point.
> 
> ...


No. Don't "pump the brakes" on the divorce. Keep it going, full speed ahead. 

Look, most of the posters here have told you she almost definitely had sex with the guy. Burner phone, a zillion texts, etc. I think you know that, too. (Or at least hope you do.)

Why does she want to "pump the brakes"? Is it because she TRULY wants to reconcile? No, because if she did, she would come clean to you.
No, I think the most likely explanation that she wants to "pump the brakes" on the divorce is to be able to keep you in reserve in case her romance with her Affair Partner doesn't work out. 

Face it, my friend, "let's pump the brakes on the divorce" actually means, "I want you to hang around to be my Plan B in case my cheating with Affair Boy doesn't work out."
Really, no other explanation makes sense. And she's using your desire to "fight for your marriage" against you. You need to divest yourself of that desire. You need to divorce.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

Wolfman1968 said:


> No. Don't "pump the brakes" on the divorce. Keep it going, full speed ahead.
> 
> Look, most of the posters here have told you she almost definitely had sex with the guy. Burner phone, a zillion texts, etc. I think you know that, too. (Or at least hope you do.)
> 
> ...


I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job. I’m not sure I want to go scorched earth on her as I have to deal with her **** for the next 16 years, no matter what. Even if it means I get primary and get out without child support. I still have to deal with her ass, which means putting up with every stupid little thing she doesn’t like about everything I do with kids or whatever. I’d rather play it cool and win everything I want from her pre-mediation/divorce because I hold the cards of her committing adultery, and potentially doing it in a workspace.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Check your state laws. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and find out what grounds you need to prove adultery. In my state I basically need video of them having sex. No phone records, recorded admission. Either video or the couple has to testify to it on the stand.


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## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

johndoe12299 said:


> Check your state laws. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and find out what grounds you need to prove adultery. In my state I basically need video of them having sex. No phone records, recorded admission. Either video or the couple has to testify to it on the stand.


Same here. But I have a feeling that whatever happened happened at work. And that’s what I have if we get evidence of her texts.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job. I’m not sure I want to go scorched earth on her as I have to deal with her **** for the next 16 years, no matter what. Even if it means I get primary and get out without child support. I still have to deal with her ass, which means putting up with every stupid little thing she doesn’t like about everything I do with kids or whatever. I’d rather play it cool and win everything I want from her pre-mediation/divorce because I hold the cards of her committing adultery, and potentially doing it in a workspace.


You are only a chump if you allow it. I know 3 who run a firm no contact policy with young kids. It works 
Communication only by text or email. Kids only. You never go into her home or allow her into yours. Pickups/drop offs take 2-3 minutes. You don’t need to chat. She has her time. You have yours. All holidays, birthdays are kept separate. No shared time together. 

Learn to ignore.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She wants you to pump the brakes while she pumps the AP and Leo’s you on the hook. Separate phones so you can’t see who she’s calling? Guards her phone?
Do what is best for you and your child, but know your wife is a cheater and the relationship you have with her is over.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Same here. But I have a feeling that whatever happened happened at work. And that’s what I have if we get evidence of her texts.


Texts aren’t videos. All she wants is to cake eat off you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Pump the brakes? F no. You need to speed up the plans. Getting them both fired would be the best way to get her defogged. Don’t be afraid of this hurting you financially as a family or in a divorce settlement. She has a work history and the judge will expect that she can find an equivalent job.

You better get out of this passivity that your in. This woman is not blowing up her family because she kissed some dude. They have been F’ing like rabbits since she sexually cut you off. 

She wants to move out because she wants a proper relationship test run with this guy. Why do you think her mom is coming? So she can concentrate on her new man without your kids getting in the way. The request to pump the brakes is because even in her heavily fogged up head, she doubts this will work. So she needs you to be able to swing back to.

Start your shock awe campaign by exposing this to all parties. Her family, her job, and the OM’s girlfriend/wife, family. Have her served at work on the same day. Let her know that once she walks out that door, the locks are changing and she is out for good. Stop being passive.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job.


You don't need her to lose her job even if it's a workplace affair, if she loses her job you might be hooked for spousal support, what we are saying is get your life back, file and tell her she can have her independence without worrying about you!
if you are the type that wants to have solid evidence to take the next step then be proactive and hire a PI today, get you proof and file, how else would you know?! with her guarding her phone and being carful and now moving out you will never know unless you hire a PI!

She is not like any normal cheater, most cheaters want to stay married and have some fun on the side!
She is different, she is planning for a full change of life, a full test drive for a new future husband not just a fun AP on the side, the only way to do that is to move out and be alone!

@ThrownAway074119 I really think she is done with you as a husband, but doesn't want to make a clean cut until she has her foot on a solid ground (you know the term Monkey Branching?!). She has to have a firm grip on the next "safe" branch before releasing the first one or she will fall and take a devastating damage. Don't allow her to do that to you, cut her plans short!

If you are serious about proof, then why aren't you hiring a PI? In your case it's totally worth the money even if you need to borrow funds to get one!

@ThrownAway074119 I don't think you need anymore proof, the writing is on the wall, but if you need it and you can't take the next step without it, then you must find a quick way to get your solid proof!
She really took you for granted, never allow yourself to be Plan B


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think you have it all backwards.

If she loses her job over this affair, she has no income. Then you divorce and you'll have to support her with big checks for the next 16 years. 

Is that what you want?

In your shoes, I end the marriage, let her keep her job, and negotiate a fair financial result that won't leave you destitute. Then, if you want to scorch earth on her, do it THEN.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job. I’m not sure I want to go scorched earth on her as I have to deal with her **** for the next 16 years, no matter what. Even if it means I get primary and get out without child support. I still have to deal with her ass, which means putting up with every stupid little thing she doesn’t like about everything I do with kids or whatever. I’d rather play it cool and win everything I want from her pre-mediation/divorce because I hold the cards of her committing adultery, and potentially doing it in a workspace.


Please define "upper hand", and why you believe you need it.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> She forced me to break up the phone bill so I would stop monitoring her. I’ve debated I’m getting one of those spy apps but don’t wanna be caught doing it.


You SHOULD NOT allow this -- you have every right to look at her phone records. If she wanted this, then full stop -- just go to the divorce and NOT "pump the brakes".
If she wasn't hiding things, she WOULD NOT CARE that you are monitoring her phone records. She is still in contact and still having the affair with this guy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's over. Your actions that day, yelling, telling her she should quit her job, within earshot of her employer, that made her not like you anymore. It took 7 years for her to see that side of you. 

Now she's on the way out the door because she doesn't like you anymore, pure and simple, and I'm sure she's also afraid of you. 

I give you credit for going to anger management. That can help. But whatever brought you to the point of this big confrontation in the car yelling at her about working too much and whatever makes you think she'd want to quit her job were pre-existing the rage you had, and that problem isn't likely to go away from having anger management. How you react and the way you understand where your anger comes from is what changes. But not the underlying marital problems. As you acknowledge, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It also humiliated her at work, which you must know is a huge mistake on your part. It's as if you wanted to do something to mess up her employment for her. But the biggest thing is now she's seen this side of you, she doesn't like you anymore, so naturally, why would she want to have sex? I know she will likely always love some memories of you. That doesn't mean she will reconcile, though. 

That man at work isn't the reason she wants to leave the marriage. You are the reason she wants to leave the marriage, but she is trying to already get her new life rolling, which is not the best thing to do, but it's not the root of the problem. 

You will get 50/50 custody and you two will both see the kids plenty. I'm sure her pulling away from the kids is simply in anticipation of having to be away from them for that amount of time, seeing if she can do it. It's hard for mothers to do that. But it's the absolute right move, 50/50, for both of you and for the kids. Without it, she wouldn't even be able to support herself and work all the time, just like if you had full custody of them. It's the norm today to split it so both parents share the same sacrifices with their careers and social life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A middle school child could look at this situation and draw the same conclusion: your wife is a liar, a cheater, and asking you to “pump the brakes” on divorce is strictly for her benefit. If you do........ well, you’re working to her benefit and against yourself.

If you don’t divorce her with all speed, here is what will happen: Right now, she’s really, really wanting to be with her affair partner. You can use that as leverage to get a fair deal. If she has any conscience whatsoever, it might help get you a decent deal.
However, once she gets over any conscience she may have and once she wants a divorce and needs your money to get by, you will be ****ed and she will go for as much as she can get. Get our now while you still might get a decently fair deal. Otherwise, understand you will be paying for her to be with other men.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

DownBytheRiver, I feel like you are excusing her actions a bit too much and blaming him for her cheating. The person cheated on is never at fault as far as I’m concerned.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He yelled at her!!!! Poor snowflake. 
mom sure there are married couples that may have never yelled at one another. Somewhere.

I read once that the reason someone yells is because they don’t feel like they’re being heard.

OP may be a horrible husband. One incident of yelling doesn’t make him one. I can assure you, people who live together have arguments sometimes and it’s normap. Never having a heated argument would be the exception, not the rule.

it appears to me his wife is a cheater and that’s why she wants to separate. They “only kissed”, says everyone cheater who has been ridden bareback 10 times last week.

own what you should own, OP. But fix things so you’ll be an even better partner for thenext one. Put this one down the road.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Well it’s not officially over, but it’s close. She has moved out. She forced me to break up the phone bill so I would stop monitoring her. I’ve debated I’m getting one of those spy apps but don’t wanna be caught doing it.
> 
> She said she’d shut it off with this guy. I’m convinced she hasn’t at all from the way she guards her phone like a bar of gold every moment I’m around her. She never used to do that. Ever. That obviously tells me it’s not over. Even if it is just talking at this point.
> 
> ...


_*She says she wants to “pump the breaks” on divorce. They were being too hasty.*_

Translation - she still doesn't have a firm commitment from the other man. Therefore your services as a safety net and back up plan are still needed if the other man refuses to replace you. She fully expects for you to be around for her to come back to if it doesn't work out with her AP.

*She always says some version of, “I’m just not ready for that yet.”*

Translation for this is exactly the same to the previous example. She would prefer that you not move on in case the other man won't have her.

*Overall, I’d say right now we’re in separation limbo. I can’t trust her. She won’t listen to me.*
She does not wish to work with you. She only wants to use you. You have nothing to save. Offer her no further chances as they will be wasted on her. If you choose to do so then do so in bad faith so you can buy yourself time.

It is in your best interest to press hard and fast for a divorce behind the scenes. Offer false reconciliation to placate her while the divorce completes in the background. Use her tactics against her. Example - her request to pump the breaks on the divorce. Agree to do so and do nothing to halt the divorce. If she comes to you with concerns that you are pulling away or proceeding with the divorce you lie, lie, lie and minimize and deny what is happening legally and otherwise. I am not encouraging you to do anything illegal. All you have to do is lie to her face and do what is in your best interest going forward. Not like she isn't doing the same to you. Turnabout is fair play.

She is presently distracted by the AP so you should get some mileage out of this approach.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know delay means more time in limbo for you and more cake for her to eat.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job. I’m not sure I want to go scorched earth on her as I have to deal with her **** for the next 16 years, no matter what. Even if it means I get primary and get out without child support. I still have to deal with her ass, which means putting up with every stupid little thing she doesn’t like about everything I do with kids or whatever. I’d rather play it cool and win everything I want from her pre-mediation/divorce because I hold the cards of her committing adultery, and potentially doing it in a workspace.


Upper hand isn't gained through evidence. Perhaps you may gain further clarity, but that brings anguish and pain, not upper hand. 

Upper hand is gained by being proactive, decisive, resolute and protecting yourself and kids like your life depends on it. A mom who cheats is a mom who's cheating on the kids as well as the husband. It's a family betrayal not just a husband betrayal. 

She wants things to slow down because she benefits from it. It doesn't benefit you. She knows what buttons to push and when to push them. Surprise her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jjj858 said:


> DownBytheRiver, I feel like you are excusing her actions a bit too much and blaming him for her cheating. The person cheated on is never at fault as far as I’m concerned.


That is just how she rolls. Seems like she thinks all men are pigs and all the problems are men's fault.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Two weeks ago, my (M37) wife (F33) of more than seven years asked me for a separation.
> 
> Although it came somewhat out of the blue, it was preceded by about seven weeks of terrible communication, tensions related to her work, her being physically and emotionally absent from the home and household duties (kids, little things, etc.)
> 
> ...


She cheated on you. All of the other details were irrelevant. Yelling, communication issues, separation, blah, blah, blah. 

You say that as if it explains or justifies an infidelity....a breaking of the marriage vows in any way. If she wants to divorce (she's got one foot out the door as it is....not living there, splitting up the finances, splitting custody of the kids) then divorce already.....she is free to kiss and sleep with all the men she wants to once that occurs. She did it while still married to you so bottom line.....to sum it all up, she cheated. 

Why do you even want her back anyway? 
She's left you, she's on the path to divorce, now she is a cheater.....let her go. 

Why do you even want her back? 
This seems pretty cut and dry. Don't beg and plead and whine for her to take you back. Move on. Start living your life as if she doesn't exist. Go out with your friends, meet some nice women, do fun things with your kids....etc. Try your best to just not even think about this cheater.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

marko polo said:


> _*She says she wants to “pump the breaks” on divorce. They were being too hasty.*_
> 
> Translation - she still doesn't have a firm commitment from the other man. Therefore your services as a safety net and back up plan are still needed if the other man refuses to replace you. She fully expects for you to be around for her to come back to if it doesn't work out with her AP.
> 
> ...


Some words to consider if you haven’t already. Good post


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don’t be a chump. Hit the damn gas on this.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

Being a member on here for several years now I can safely say that most of the advice given on here is accurate. Reading this is like stepping back 11 years, I remember the "we only kissed" or the "I was trying to figure out how to break it off when you busted us". The "only kissed" turned into sex, oral sex and a ton of sneaking away for whatever else. I found this out weeks after the initial discovery. My wife also wanted to leave, she actually did but he (my what I thought was best friend who had a pregnant wife) dropped her like a bag of rocks when I confronted them. So of course she come back, and then it was the "you didn't act like you cared about me" bs. 

I posted earlier, I wish I'd seen this site before I committed to saving the relationship. My positive take aways are I got to raise my son, and I'm thankful for that. It would have been tough with me working swing shift. But now I'm torn between all my stuff and my retirement. I've sit myself up pretty good, can financially retire in 10 years at the age of 51. She has already made it very clear that of I chose to divorce now she wants everything she can possibly get, believe me, we have these conversations almost weekly. 

My glimmer of hope, my old buddies wife is screwing one of my buddies...I've told my wife about this, I'm actually holding on to the chance he comes around and tries to contact my wife. He is a bozo, never amounted to nothing, so when he loses his wife his chances of another woman are slim to none. When all this happened she was 28 and he was 26, she was the 3rd woman he ever had. I truly think if he hadn't bailed on her she would have been gone. 

He is actually from West Virginia, he tried to convince her to leave with him before they got caught...said he didn't care about his unborn child because he had never met him anyway. This is what he was telling her while they lay in the bed together while I worked 16 hour shifts. 

But through all this, take the advice giving here. Sometimes it's brutal, they have beat me up too. But it's from experience. Good luck!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rug sweeping always results in heartburn.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> That is just how she rolls. Seems like she thinks all men are pigs and all the problems are men's fault.


we men get that A LOT nowadays.
is there a woman's website where our porcine qualities are laid bare for all to see?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> Does anyone have any advice?


Dump the kids with her for a month.
Hard to keep an affair going when you're a full time mom with two under 5s to care for.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Dump the kids with her for a month.
> Hard to keep an affair going when you're a full time mom with two under 5s to care for.


requires a lot of strength, lots of men these days are feminized/pussified to do something like that!


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## 76gmail (Sep 11, 2021)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job. I’m not sure I want to go scorched earth on her as I have to deal with her **** for the next 16 years, no matter what. Even if it means I get primary and get out without child support. I still have to deal with her ass, which means putting up with every stupid little thing she doesn’t like about everything I do with kids or whatever. I’d rather play it cool and win everything I want from her pre-mediation/divorce because I hold the cards of her committing adultery, and potentially doing it in a workspace.


Have you called the guy yet and spoken to him?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job. I’m not sure I want to go scorched earth on her as I have to deal with her **** for the next 16 years, no matter what. Even if it means I get primary and get out without child support. I still have to deal with her ass, which means putting up with every stupid little thing she doesn’t like about everything I do with kids or whatever. I’d rather play it cool and win everything I want from her pre-mediation/divorce because I hold the cards of her committing adultery, and potentially doing it in a workspace.


You won't agree with anything I tell you because you are blinded with pain and emotion. 

Here is what you need to know:

1) No one throws away a marriage "over a kiss", your wife is a childish fool who infatuated with this loser and lacks any type of morals or impulse control. She been ****ed hard repeatedly by this guy. Pornstar sex, no condoms, and they joked about you knowing afterwards. Don't be a naive. Grown ass adults don't "just kiss"..... The last thing you want is "evidence". It happened, is still happening, accept it. What's more likely?!? She was "sitting in a car alone thinking about your marriage over and over" or "sitting in a car sucking on this guys jock over and over". 

2) More importantly. She no longer loves you and once a girl falls out of love. It is 100% over, it will never come back. Even if you got back together, why would you want to live out some charade where she uses you for financial stability in a loveless marriage while masturbating to memories of her lover? She can never be trusted again. If she doesn't **** him, it'll be someone else. Once the cherry of cheating is popped, there's no incentive not too. Especially, if she thinks you are too much of a coward to leave her. 

3) She's losing weight so she can look good for the guy jack hammering her. You're losing weight cause you're depressed. The only fault here is you should of stayed in shape. You should of been ready to dump her at anytime. If she doesn't wake up every day thinking she how damn lucky she is she got you then you should of walked long ago. Have some self respect man. You are the prize not this cheating ****. You got complacent, comfortable and it revolted her. Move on and replace her. Every minute you spend not getting rid of her is time wasted toward reaching real happiness.

Broke and single is still better than rich and a cuckold.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Thrown..... she did a LOT more than she says. I can't see her actions lining up with "just a kiss"

It's a PA, no doubt. File D on her. Go for primary custody. Protect your land and retirement.

Make it to where she want a D as soon as possible. No talk of R. Do not get her fired from work or 

you will be paying her to sit at home. If you want to get her fired, do that AFTER the D. She just gave

you the ultimate betrayal. You never get over that.

Yes you could love her again but you would never trust her.

Love without trust is soul destroying.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don’t think of yourself as thrown away. Know that you are thrown TO someone a helluva lot better than your cheating **** of a wife.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I agree with pretty much everything you said. But I also need to catch her red-handed so I have the upper hand. It’s tricky too because this could mean she loses her job. I’m not sure I want to go scorched earth on her as I have to deal with her **** for the next 16 years, no matter what. Even if it means I get primary and get out without child support. I still have to deal with her ass, which means putting up with every stupid little thing she doesn’t like about everything I do with kids or whatever. I’d rather play it cool and win everything I want from her pre-mediation/divorce because I hold the cards of her committing adultery, and potentially doing it in a workspace.


You do not need to catch her red-handed to have the upper hand. You have the upper hand when YOU say you have it. Period. It's a sense of power you entitle yourself, not something your circumstances dictate, unless you live in a state where divorce laws favor the betrayed. 

Even then, you control the upper hand solely because you think it and be it.. Period. Be empowered. Don't allow her actions or peripheral circumstances to determine your power and fate. Take what's yours and act with conviction and purpose. Your mindset will determine how this will play out and how you will recover and prosper.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not thrown away. Escaped.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Not thrown away. Escaped.


I'm guessing he didn't escape for piña coladas
And gettin' caught in the rain


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