# I think I made a mistake trying to reconcile



## Kayakgirl (Jun 9, 2021)

Hi, I'm a new member. I'm completely heartbroken and have no one to talk since I decided to try and reconcile my marriage after my husband's affair. (Lost most of my friends) We have been together 13 years and married 7 years. We have 2 children together who are 9 and 13. My D-day was March 17, 2021. I found out my husband has been having an affair for about 3 years. She was a co worker and also married. Her husband died last year and that's when the affair became more I guess. I didn't find out until she tells me she's pregnant with my husband's baby 💔💔 But she's 48! I kicked my husband out immediately and didn't talk to him at all for over a month. We slowly started talking and I recently let him move back in. I set boundaries and let him know what I need to try and heal. Initially he begged for forgiveness. Giving what seemed to be a genuine remorseful apology. Saying he will do whatever we need to heal. At first he seemed to be doing just that. He let her know it was over and if she was really pregnant contact him through court to set up paternity. He was spending time with me and generally seemed happy to be home. Now just a couple of weeks later he's not checking in with me if he leaves work and doesn't come straight home. He's drinking with guy friends but then comes home and criticizes me....I don't cook good, I'm controlling (because I want a simple text saying hey I'm stopping to have a beer), I'm toxic. It feels like he wants me to do all kinds of things to show him I care but he doesn't return any of the affection or assurance. He's not following any of the boundaries I set up. When I try to talk to him he shuts down and won't talk. My 9 year was devastated when I made him leave the first time and I'm concerned about hurting her more. I have so many emotions and I don't know what is going on. I may have prematurely let him back in. I'm not sure if I can do this. I've tried talking to him about my feelings. He says he loves me and his kids and only want to be with us but his actions say otherwise. I feel like this is all one sided at the moment. He cheated and wants me to kiss his butt. I'm so confused how this situation occurred. I love him so much but not sure reconciliation will work. Every time he disrespect me I have horrible intrusive thoughts about his affair partner. Why didn't he just go be with her when I kicked him out? She's trying to chase him. She keeps making fake Facebook profiles to contact us and is telling people she wants to hurt me. He won't have sex with me at all...that's an extreme self esteem killer. Why did he beg to work it out? Why did I say yes? Can we really work it out or is this a lost cause?😭😭😭


----------



## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a lot to deal with. From my experience things did not work out after I found out of my ex husbands initial infidelity. We separted after I found out of a second incidence (turns out there was 3, maybe more, who even knows). My ex fed me all the tears, the apologies, saying that he never wanted to do anything that would make him not be around me or our son again. Only to screw up again a year after our son was born. 

How did you find out? Was he forthcoming about the affair or you had for find out on your own?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You can't build your marriage off of nostalgia. Whoever your husband was, it's not this vile creature living with you. Or maybe he away was this guy and you never new it. I know it sucks but you deserve a lot better.


----------



## Kayakgirl (Jun 9, 2021)

RNSoSo said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a lot to deal with. From my experience things did not work out after I found out of my ex husbands initial infidelity. We separted after I found out of a second incidence (turns out there was 3, maybe more, who even knows). My ex fed me all the tears, the apologies, saying that he never wanted to do anything that would make him not be around me or our son again. Only to screw up again a year after our son was born.
> 
> How did you find out? Was he forthcoming about the affair or you had for find out on your own?


I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It's so hard when they don't see how much it hurts. For our children as well. 
My husband's affair partner sent me a message saying she was pregnant with his baby. Then gave me a whole run down on how they have been seeing each other for years behind my back. He didn't deny it when I confronted him.


----------



## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

Kayakgirl said:


> I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It's so hard when they don't see how much it hurts. For our children as well.
> My husband's affair partner sent me a message saying she was pregnant with his baby. Then gave me a whole run down on how they have been seeing each other for years behind my back. He didn't deny it when I confronted him.


The fact that you had to hear it from his mistress raises red flags for me. It seems he is more sorry that he got caught as opposed to actually being sorry for betraying you. My exes mistress also contacted me to inform me of the affair. She was unaware that he was married with child a child on the way as he would use an alias when talking to women online. He slipped up which made his mistress dig a little further into his true identity and then through some quick social media digging she found me. My ex would have taken this to his grave! I'm sure your husband would have too!


----------



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I am sorry that you have to deal with a cheating husband. A person who cheats hurts everyone in their family; not only their partners. Children suffer from a parent's cheating. 

Reading about your husband's poor treatment of you after you allowed him to come back home, he doesn't sound remorseful at all. 
I suggest you consult with a family counselor and ask them how to have a conversation with your children about their father's cheating and treatment of you. Your children love their dad, but you don't want them to tolerate a cheating partner or a partner that mistreats them when they become adults and get into relationships. You are setting an example for them and you want them to have self-respect and refuse to be mistreated by their future partners. A counselor will help you approach this with the kids; they usually inform you about your options and will help you make an informed decision about your husband. Good luck!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree. Don’t stay with this awful guy and teach your kids they should stay with this type of man, who treats you this way.
He’s not having sex with you because he’s with another woman. Guaranteed.
He’s awful. Leave him.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You shouldn’t have to be kissing his butt, it seems like he was just buying some time to deal with being caught. He was doing what he needed to do to deal with being caught.

Read that over and over.

Humans are *****


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Kayakgirl said:


> Hi, I'm a new member. I'm completely heartbroken and have no one to talk since I decided to try and reconcile my marriage after my husband's affair. (Lost most of my friends) We have been together 13 years and married 7 years. We have 2 children together who are 9 and 13. My D-day was March 17, 2021. I found out my husband has been having an affair for about 3 years. She was a co worker and also married. Her husband died last year and that's when the affair became more I guess. I didn't find out until she tells me she's pregnant with my husband's baby 💔💔 But she's 48! I kicked my husband out immediately and didn't talk to him at all for over a month. We slowly started talking and I recently let him move back in. I set boundaries and let him know what I need to try and heal. Initially he begged for forgiveness. Giving what seemed to be a genuine remorseful apology. Saying he will do whatever we need to heal. At first he seemed to be doing just that. He let her know it was over and if she was really pregnant contact him through court to set up paternity. He was spending time with me and generally seemed happy to be home. Now just a couple of weeks later he's not checking in with me if he leaves work and doesn't come straight home. He's drinking with guy friends but then comes home and criticizes me....I don't cook good, I'm controlling (because I want a simple text saying hey I'm stopping to have a beer), I'm toxic. It feels like he wants me to do all kinds of things to show him I care but he doesn't return any of the affection or assurance. He's not following any of the boundaries I set up. When I try to talk to him he shuts down and won't talk. My 9 year was devastated when I made him leave the first time and I'm concerned about hurting her more. I have so many emotions and I don't know what is going on. I may have prematurely let him back in. I'm not sure if I can do this. I've tried talking to him about my feelings. He says he loves me and his kids and only want to be with us but his actions say otherwise. I feel like this is all one sided at the moment. He cheated and wants me to kiss his butt. I'm so confused how this situation occurred. I love him so much but not sure reconciliation will work. Every time he disrespect me I have horrible intrusive thoughts about his affair partner. Why didn't he just go be with her when I kicked him out? She's trying to chase him. She keeps making fake Facebook profiles to contact us and is telling people she wants to hurt me. He won't have sex with me at all...that's an extreme self esteem killer. Why did he beg to work it out? Why did I say yes? Can we really work it out or is this a lost cause?😭😭😭


Hey there, welcome to the “reconciliation was a gigantic mistake” club. Sorry you have to be here. I know you are hurting so badly right now, for yourself and for your children, but really... you have to have a willing partner in reconciliation. Also he should be doing the hard work at this point to earn your trust. He is not worthy of the gift you are giving him. That is not a reflection of you as a person, it is entirely him. 

You’ve made boundaries for a reason, your personal and emotional safety. I think you know know what needs to be done now that he’s crapped all over them again. I can tell you from my own experience, he is seeing her again. That’s why he’s being a jerk, that’s why he is blame shifting and that’s why he’s not coming home. I’d be willing to bet you can feel it in your gut. Is the OW actually pregnant? Do you know?

You should go see a lawyer soon, try to start planning as much as you can for your future and for your kids. No more words, just action now. It’s going to be ok.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kayakgirl Your husband is not worthy of you.

You need to lawyer up. Have initial appointments with the top 5 to 10 divorce lawyers in your town. Meaning he can only choose from the poorer lawyers.

Then go with the best lawyer you can find to divorce him and make sure he provides for your children and yourself.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You might want to read @bobert's post. While your situation is not identical, it's close enough to give you some perspective on reconciliation. Short answer: Move on.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

You can't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to put in the effort and isn't remorseful. True remorse is very different from fear of losing what you have. It doesn't sound like your husband was truly remorseful. He didn't confess. He didn't follow through and was resentful of the limits that it placed on him to stick to your reasonable requests (texting you if he's not coming straight home). His crying reaction is that of a kid who got found out but is now mad that you grounded him. He didn't deserve the gift you gave him of reconciliation. Don't beat yourself up. The fact that he didn't choose to see that isn't your fault.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He doesn't seem at all remourceful or repentant or willing to do what is needed to make this work. Because of that I can't see how the marriage will survive. 
Is he going to actually be a dad to his unborn child or just pay a bit of money? Do you know she is definitely pregnant, 48 is very late to have a baby. Are you sure he isn't still seeing her? 

I think you have done all you can to try and get this to work but he isn't doing the same. I feel for your children, they are always caught in the middle.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The affair continues. Let him go. Encourage him even. Get him out of your life to the greatest extent possible as fast as possible.


----------



## Kayakgirl (Jun 9, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Hey there, welcome to the “reconciliation was a gigantic mistake” club. Sorry you have to be here. I know you are hurting so badly right now, for yourself and for your children, but really... you have to have a willing partner in reconciliation. Also he should be doing the hard work at this point to earn your trust. He is not worthy of the gift you are giving him. That is not a reflection of you as a person, it is entirely him.
> 
> You’ve made boundaries for a reason, your personal and emotional safety. I think you know know what needs to be done now that he’s crapped all over them again. I can tell you from my own experience, he is seeing her again. That’s why he’s being a jerk, that’s why he is blame shifting and that’s why he’s not coming home. I’d be willing to bet you can feel it in your gut. Is the OW actually pregnant? Do you know?
> 
> You should go see a lawyer soon, try to start planning as much as you can for your future and for your kids. No more words, just action now. It’s going to be ok.


I don't even know if I trust my gut anymore honestly. He was lying for so long. I had suspicions way before I found out. She knew me personally and that hurts too. She betrayed my trust as well. She has lied to my face about their relationship. Her telling me wasn't because she found about me....it was done maliciously (although I am happy I know for sure I wasn't crazy). But it was basically I'm pregnant with your husband's baby....we've been f***ing for years behind your back. I'm going to kick your a*. Pretty shocked to hear her say I was doing your husband behind your back and now I'm going to fight you. I was very confused on the thought process. I don't believe she is pregnant. No proof has been submitted to my husband. I googled it and it says there is a 3% chance of getting pregnant at 48. Originally she told him she was having an abortion. I have no idea. I do have access to phone records and social media so I do know he hasn't had any contact through his stuff. Although I do know that contact can happen through many outlets. I do however know I will not have anything to do with a baby from an affair. That is a hard no from me. He can give financial support but thats all if we are together. It sounds cold but I know my own boundaries and could never have a connection with the child. Or deal with her. He runs a business and is gone a lot of the time. That would leave his affair baby with me and I don't want that responsibility. It's not my child....nor a child from a previous relationship before ours. Because I love my stepson like he is mine. I do know what needs to be done....it's just so hard. I'm in so much pain I don't even know how to make it through the day sometimes.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are absolutely right to be suspicious. He wants to sweep this under the rug.

Never believe what they say.

Always believe what they do.

What do his actions tell you?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Kayakgirl said:


> I don't even know if I trust my gut anymore honestly. He was lying for so long. I had suspicions way before I found out. She knew me personally and that hurts too. She betrayed my trust as well. She has lied to my face about their relationship. Her telling me wasn't because she found about me....it was done maliciously (although I am happy I know for sure I wasn't crazy). But it was basically I'm pregnant with your husband's baby....we've been f***ing for years behind your back. I'm going to kick your a*. Pretty shocked to hear her say I was doing your husband behind your back and now I'm going to fight you. I was very confused on the thought process. I don't believe she is pregnant. No proof has been submitted to my husband. I googled it and it says there is a 3% chance of getting pregnant at 48. Originally she told him she was having an abortion. I have no idea. I do have access to phone records and social media so I do know he hasn't had any contact through his stuff. Although I do know that contact can happen through many outlets. I do however know I will not have anything to do with a baby from an affair. That is a hard no from me. He can give financial support but thats all if we are together. It sounds cold but I know my own boundaries and could never have a connection with the child. Or deal with her. He runs a business and is gone a lot of the time. That would leave his affair baby with me and I don't want that responsibility. It's not my child....nor a child from a previous relationship before ours. Because I love my stepson like he is mine. I do know what needs to be done....it's just so hard. I'm in so much pain I don't even know how to make it through the day sometimes.


I understand. You don’t trust yourself because you didn’t think he would do this to you. I get it.

Regardless of the passwords, he is betraying you again. By refusing to keep his word and do what needs to be done, not considering your heart and feelings, he is betraying you. It doesn’t matter if he is still seeing her (he is) but that he is not keeping his end of the deal to earn you back. You have to have consequences and demand respect even though you are hurting. If you do not you will lose yourself, your self respect, and he will treat you this way until you leave him.

I understand the pain is paralyzing, but you must act to gain back your self worth and self respect by refusing to accept his behavior. Go see a lawyer, get some papers drawn up, make him live separately from you for at least 3 months. After a few weeks he will likely come groveling and crying and begging again. Do not fold. Give yourself some space to process what you want to do with your life and make your decision in 3 months, with the time a distance to get a good handle on reality.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

One more thing:

His behavior pattern is indicative of the affair resuming, or having never actually stopped.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh my goodness, she’s going to kick your A?

Honestly, he’s found his match and she should have him. She can then kick his A as they join together, that’s the type of woman he deserves.

But please whatever you do, don’t play the crazy game and respond to her in any way. It’s exactly what he wants. Remember in school that one person who comes over and says, ‘so and so said you were a [email protected]$&’. Then they walk over to the other person and say, ‘so and so said you were trash’. Then they slither off and watch the fight.

It’s a fairly classic scenario that the BS thinks the ap is crazy and unstable and doing the chasing (yes it’s true they probably are). But also a common triangulation tactic so the two women fight it out and get nuts, while he quietly avoids any repercussions. This is constructed by him so he gets away with it and is never held accountable because the two women want to ‘kick eachother’s A’. 
Meanwhile he just sits back. You see, the two women should both be kicking his A. You’re both victims. He’s probably throwing you under the bus and telling her all kinds of things about you to placate her, and then you get the same story when he gets caught. Be smarter than this, and don’t engage with her ever!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Time to start enforcing those boundaries girl, they're useless if you don't enforce them.

He's never stopped cheating, his behaviour of that is clear as day. 

Kick him to the kerb. I disagree that the children should be told why, they're too young. Tell them that mum and dad have decided they're better as friends and will live in different houses from now on, but that you're both still their parents, you both love them and will be there for them and that won't change. When they're older, they can find out the truth, but not now.


----------

