# Need Advice on Separating but Living Together



## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

My wife and I have only been separated for 2 weeks but in that time she has begun talking to someone else and wants to see where it goes. I can't help but be hurt that she doesn't want to work on us, isn't in love with me anymore. I am committed to changing and becoming a better partner but I feel like no matter what I do it won't be enough. She says she needs freedom and independence to figure herself out. I get that, I really do but give up on 14 years together and not fight so you can see where things go with someone you haven't even met just talked to? That I don't get. We have a 17 month old daughter together and due to finances moving out is not an option. She lives in a room down the hall for now. She says she doesn't want to work on us, that she doesn't think there is anything else. She wants us to be best friends again. We eat meals together, we hang out before bed and then we go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but I feel like I'm dying. Is there any hope for us? Does she just need to get this out of her system? HELP!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Chances are this "someone else" has been around a lot longer than two weeks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly I agree with Bobert, there has been another man for a while. It's very cruel of her to be going after another man when living with you. 
Such a young child, why are some parents so very selfish. It seems she wants all the benefits of the marriage while going after another man, that's just not feasable and you should tell her so.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Sadly I agree with Bobert, there has been another man for a while. It's very cruel of her to be going after another man when living with you.
> Such a young child, why are some parents so very selfish. It seems she wants all the benefits of the marriage while going after another man, that's just not feasable and you should tell her so.


Another woman. This is a same sex marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Uh, it’s another woman methinks.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> Another woman. This is a same sex marriage.


Oh ok.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Krysti said:


> My wife and I have only been separated for 2 weeks but in that time she has begun talking to someone else and wants to see where it goes. I can't help but be hurt that she doesn't want to work on us, isn't in love with me anymore. I am committed to changing and becoming a better partner but I feel like no matter what I do it won't be enough. She says she needs freedom and independence to figure herself out. I get that, I really do but give up on 14 years together and not fight so you can see where things go with someone you haven't even met just talked to? That I don't get. We have a 17 month old daughter together and due to finances moving out is not an option. She lives in a room down the hall for now. She says she doesn't want to work on us, that she doesn't think there is anything else. She wants us to be best friends again. We eat meals together, we hang out before bed and then we go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but I feel like I'm dying. Is there any hope for us? Does she just need to get this out of her system? HELP!


Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like in your mind everything was fine, but it has not been the case for her. There is someone else recently, but she has not communicated to you her dissatisfaction with the relationship for a long time. Now that she met someone, she wants to see if things can be better with the new woman. I understand your frustration that she doesn't want to fight for her marriage, but as I said, it sounds like she is unhappy and did not communicate this to you earlier in the relationship, or you missed some signs of dissatisfaction. In any case, she gave up and there is nothing you can other than start detaching.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like life is good for her. She has you to hang out with and someone else to date. I wouldn’t expect that to change.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

She didnt just meet this dude. She has been cheating for a while. 

Quit playing bff. She sees you as weak and low value and doesn’t respect you. 

Forget about all that stuff about changing and being a better partner (at least in front of her). It is too little too late to her. Completely stop pursuing her. Detach from her. Talk to a lawyer and learn your rights. Get out and get busy. Dont lay around the house being reactive to her. Set a plan and be proactive through this situation. Learn new skills and meet new friends.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Sadly I agree with Bobert, there has been another man for a while. It's very cruel of her to be going after another man when living with you.
> Such a young child, why are some parents so very selfish. It seems she wants all the benefits of the marriage while going after another man, that's just not feasable and you should tell her so.


She is a lesbian, I am her wife. She hasn't been going after another man. She was deeply unhappy and is talking to someone new and wants to work on our friendship.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> She didnt just meet this dude. She has been cheating for a while.
> 
> Quit playing bff. She sees you as weak and low value and doesn’t respect you.
> 
> Forget about all that stuff about changing and being a better partner (at least in front of her). It is too little too late to her. Completely stop pursuing her. Detach from her. Talk to a lawyer and learn your rights. Get out and get busy. Dont lay around the house being reactive to her. Set a plan and be proactive through this situation. Learn new skills and meet new friends.


I don't think it's as simple as that. She said she told me how unhappy she was and I didn't see it. I knew we had issues but I never thought they were this bad, bad enough to leave. I know that she was looking for attention from me and when she didn't get it she found it elsewhere and that sucks. We aren't talking divorce it's not financially doable. She doesn't work right now. She told me she just isn't at the point where she wants to work on us right now. I feel like that is giving me false hope because I'm not sure she will ever be. I know I need to work on things for myself. I just feel so mixed up with being separated but living together. Nothing has really changed except our affection and where we sleep. Right now the woman she is talking to is doing a big work project and they won't be able to meet for atheist another month or so. I'm trying to get myself in a better place before that happens because I don't know how I'm going to handle it.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Krysti said:


> She is a lesbian, I am her wife. She hasn't been going after another man. She was deeply unhappy and is talking to someone new and wants to work on our friendship.


She is saying "she wants to work on the friendship" and I am saying that makes me want to puke.

I would say it once and then let my actions speak that I will not be friends with an ex.

There is no "friendship". Friends don't treat each other like this. 

She doesn't want to hurt you, but she really doesn't mind it either. She is detaching from you and going out and living it up. Ironically, the quicker you do the same the sooner she will wonder if she is making a mistake. Though, I do doubt that you will be able to progress as quickly as your WW.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like life is good for her. She has you to hang out with and someone else to date. I wouldn’t expect that to change.


I know she doesn't want to hurt me. She said she hates that the timing worked out this way but she isn't willing to put things on hold with the new woman.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Krysti said:


> I don't think it's as simple as that. She said she told me how unhappy she was and I didn't see it. I knew we had issues but I never thought they were this bad, bad enough to leave. I know that she was looking for attention from me and when she didn't get it she found it elsewhere and that sucks. We aren't talking divorce it's not financially doable. She doesn't work right now. She told me she just isn't at the point where she wants to work on us right now. I feel like that is giving me false hope because I'm not sure she will ever be. I know I need to work on things for myself. I just feel so mixed up with being separated but living together. Nothing has really changed except our affection and where we sleep. Right now the woman she is talking to is doing a big work project and they won't be able to meet for atheist another month or so. I'm trying to get myself in a better place before that happens because I don't know how I'm going to handle it.



I don't think you get it that she is cheating on you, whether it be physical or emotional she is cheating. Yeah i get there are issues between you two, but you don't invite a third person into this relationship to solve it. This si where you need to stop acting like a doormat and tell her that if she pursues this "friendship" with this person you will be filing for divorce.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> She is saying "she wants to work on the friendship" and I am saying that makes me want to puke.
> 
> I would say it once and then let my actions speak that I will not be friends with an ex.
> 
> ...


She will be in my life forever. We have a child together so I would like to be friends at the very least. She is my family and has been for 14 years I can't just let that go. I tried going on websites just to make a friend/someone to talk to and I got bombarded with nonsense. I'm not a get out there and hook up kind of person. I'm not ready for anything new right now. She isn't really living it up. She is texting someone else that she is interested in and yea it sucks and I am a rollercoaster of emotions on the daily but part of me still wants to try and make it work. She said she didn't trust that I could change and stick to it and I am trying to prove that I can.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Krysti said:


> She will be in my life forever. We have a child together so I would like to be friends at the very least. She is my family and has been for 14 years I can't just let that go. I tried going on websites just to make a friend/someone to talk to and I got bombarded with nonsense. I'm not a get out there and hook up kind of person. I'm not ready for anything new right now. She isn't really living it up. She is texting someone else that she is interested in and yea it sucks and I am a rollercoaster of emotions on the daily but part of me still wants to try and make it work. She said she didn't trust that I could change and stick to it and I am trying to prove that I can.


Honestly the marriage is over and you need to find a way to move on. There is no coming back from this. She is openly engaging in a relationship with someone else. Even if it isn't physical it is obvious she intends to make it physical. All the while you watch it going on down the hall. What happens when she brings the new GF home. How gut wrenching will that feel? You should start coming to terms with the reality if the situation before that happens.

As for the innocent child involved, that is really sad. Are you the birth mother and are you both legally the parents of your daughter?


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Krysti said:


> I don't think it's as simple as that. She said she told me how unhappy she was and I didn't see it. I knew we had issues but I never thought they were this bad, bad enough to leave. I know that she was looking for attention from me and when she didn't get it she found it elsewhere and that sucks. We aren't talking divorce it's not financially doable. She doesn't work right now. She told me she just isn't at the point where she wants to work on us right now. I feel like that is giving me false hope because I'm not sure she will ever be. I know I need to work on things for myself. I just feel so mixed up with being separated but living together. Nothing has really changed except our affection and where we sleep. Right now the woman she is talking to is doing a big work project and they won't be able to meet for atheist another month or so. I'm trying to get myself in a better place before that happens because I don't know how I'm going to handle it.


I have been RIGHT there in your shoes. You have the classic WW.

You should have zero expectations. You should believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see.

Being separated and living together is weird. I would tell her to GTFO, she is your wife and if she wants out to get out but that she is betraying you and your marriage. Now you can't make her get out but it would be better for you if she was gone, though I have suspicions at least part of you wants her to stay there for now. I know it is what I wanted.

Talk to a lawyer and figure out how this whole divorce would end up playing out so that you know. You don't want to hear her threats and not be armed with information.

Schedule events and get out of the house. Don't tell her where you are going, with whom, or when you will return. Work on those things you need to work on for yourself like you said, that will help you too.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Krysti said:


> She will be in my life forever. We have a child together so I would like to be friends at the very least. She is my family and has been for 14 years I can't just let that go. I tried going on websites just to make a friend/someone to talk to and I got bombarded with nonsense. I'm not a get out there and hook up kind of person. I'm not ready for anything new right now. She isn't really living it up. She is texting someone else that she is interested in and yea it sucks and I am a rollercoaster of emotions on the daily but part of me still wants to try and make it work. She said she didn't trust that I could change and stick to it and I am trying to prove that I can.


I don't want to hurt you. For me, I would not be friends with an ex. You can be cordial and nice enough to raise this child -and you should do that. But friends? Not a chance. 

Ultimately you get to choose your life. You have your life, your values, your dream. This action has to be yours but I am offering my perspective so please don't be offended. I see myself in you, I see a good person in a bad situation. I wish you all the grace to get through this tough time, and know that tough times don't last but they do offer a chance to learn and grow.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, she is separated from you, but still wants YOU to pay all the bills, NOT work on the relationship, and wants time to see what's up with this new woman.
First, THERE SHOULD BE no other woman -- you are married. If she had ANY sense of morals, she would divorce first before pursuing someone else. She is keeping you around as her plan B and as her ATM. DON'T let her do that.
Tell her the $$$ is done -- if she wants to be separated, SHE needs to pay 1/2 the rent, 1/2 the groceries, 1/2 the electric, etc. so she needs to get a job. PERIOD. Stop paying for her and get YOUR own account. If you are legally separated, then any debts she gets now should NOT be yours to worry about.

PLEASE do not let her have the "easy" life she wants by walking all over YOU. 
As for continuing to be a friend, not by type of person to be friends with. You CAN co-parent without being buddies.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I don't think you get it that she is cheating on you, whether it be physical or emotional she is cheating. Yeah i get there are issues between you two, but you don't invite a third person into this relationship to solve it. This si where you need to stop acting like a doormat and tell her that if she pursues this "friendship" with this person you will be filing for divorce.


Divorce is not doable for us. She would need to completely start over and I can't blame her for this. I was the one who gave up first and took her for granted. I feel like it's cheating too because we are still married but we are separated so it's kind of not. I mean I can't even think of being with someone else but she said that she has been unhappy for so long so she has mourned our relationship already. I feel like there has been an unexpected death in my family and I don't know how to handle it. I think detaching is a good idea but we live together, we raise our daughter together, we eat meals together. There is only so much detaching that I can do. Also if you haven't read my previous post this is my fault. We haven't been physical in a long time due to past drama on my part and anxiety meds. So I suggested jokingly an open marriage so she could be sexually satisfied. She asked about it a week later and although I was shocked it seemed like she needed it so I agreed. She is very shy so she decided to use a chat website to just meet a friend so start with. As We talked about this more it became clear to me that I wasn't going to be Okay with this
She even said if I wanted to see other people she wouldn't be able to deal so it was to be a one sided arrangement. She became friends with this woman Amanda. I got really jealous. My wife said she couldn't just sleep with someone random so she needed a friends with benefits situation. I was trying to be supportive but knew I wasn't going to be able to handle this. Two weeks ago while making dinner I was looking up the recipe on her phone and I opened her Snapchat and read that she didn't expect to feel this way and she can't wait to meet her and even if I want her to stop seeing her she won't. She said that I stopped sleeping with her because she gained weight which is completely false but she painted me as the villan. I confronted her about the messages and told her it wasn't supposed to be like that just a fwb not a relationship. She told me something changed with them and she wasn't looking for it and she didn't expect it but it happened. We got into a huge fight she left for a drive and when she came back she told me she didn't want to be together anymore and that she has been unhappy for years. She told me that she had been telling me and I just wasn't hearing her. I mean we fought but nothing too serious and I checked out and maybe got resentful and felt like I was always doing everything. She hated that we were homebodys. I have really bad anxiety and had really bad PPD after having our daughter. I know this is mostly my fault I just feel like it's so wrong not to give me a chance to fix it. If I hadn't of seen those messages we would still be together but she would be unhappy, that's what she said. My issue is though if you were going to stay with me and be unhappy why not stay with me and try to he happy? It doesn't make sense.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Honestly the marriage is over and you need to find a way to move on. There is no coming back from this. She is openly engaging in a relationship with someone else. Even if it isn't physical it is obvious she intends to make it physical. All the while you watch it going on down the hall. What happens when she brings the new GF home. How gut wrenching will that feel? You should start coming to terms with the reality if the situation before that happens.
> 
> As for the innocent child involved, that is really sad. Are you the birth mother and are you both legally the parents of your daughter?


I am the birth mother and am filling out the paperwork for her to legally adopt her. There will be no ugly battle over our baby.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So, she is separated from you, but still wants YOU to pay all the bills, NOT work on the relationship, and wants time to see what's up with this new woman.
> First, THERE SHOULD BE no other woman -- you are married. If she had ANY sense of morals, she would divorce first before pursuing someone else. She is keeping you around as her plan B and as her ATM. DON'T let her do that.
> Tell her the $$$ is done -- if she wants to be separated, SHE needs to pay 1/2 the rent, 1/2 the groceries, 1/2 the electric, etc. so she needs to get a job. PERIOD. Stop paying for her and get YOUR own account. If you are legally separated, then any debts she gets now should NOT be yours to worry about.
> 
> ...


She is working on getting a job. I would end up paying alimony either way so it's not that different. I have always made more money than her. I don't want to leave her without anything. I love her and don't want her to be hurt.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Honestly the marriage is over and you need to find a way to move on. There is no coming back from this. She is openly engaging in a relationship with someone else. Even if it isn't physical it is obvious she intends to make it physical. All the while you watch it going on down the hall. What happens when she brings the new GF home. How gut wrenching will that feel? You should start coming to terms with the reality if the situation before that happens.
> 
> As for the innocent child involved, that is really sad. Are you the birth mother and are you both legally the parents of your daughter?


I am concerned that once things get serious with this new woman I will lose it and possibly want her out of the house but I am trying to get in a better mindset before that happens. I think it's wrong that she is talking to someone else but what can I really do. She said she doesn't want to hurt me and that she is sorry about the timing but still I am hurt.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> I don't want to hurt you. For me, I would not be friends with an ex. You can be cordial and nice enough to raise this child -and you should do that. But friends? Not a chance.
> 
> Ultimately you get to choose your life. You have your life, your values, your dream. This action has to be yours but I am offering my perspective so please don't be offended. I see myself in you, I see a good person in a bad situation. I wish you all the grace to get through this tough time, and know that tough times don't last but they do offer a chance to learn and grow.


I want to be friends with her and I think it's possible but maybe trying to be friends now it not doable. Maybe in the future we can be friends. I feel like she wants a friendship with me and not to divorce and then also wants to date someone else. What if things don't work out with this new woman? Will she try to get back with me? Will I be able to be someone's 2nd choice?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok to recap. You married her. You ignored her and her needs. When she expressed needs for sexual connection or other connections you dismissed her and even told her to find it elsewhere. Then when she found it else where you didn't like that she needs a connection to have sex. Now you are shocked and shaken that she has made a connection and isn't interested in you anymore?

You've and her have killed this marriage. You need to realize that and move on. She is now living off you but doesn't want to contribute. 

Be smart don't finish having her adopt your child. Talk with a lawyer and find out what your best options are for divorce/separation. Tell her she needs to get a job that you supported her while married but that now that you are room mates she needs to contribute to the household. Even with a child she can work nights or weekends.

Seriously see a lawyer. Even if you don't want to separate you may not be given the choice. You need to know what all the possibilities are and start thinking smarter. Just because you feel guilty for being a poor spouse doesn't mean you should allow that to impact you for the rest of your life.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok to recap. You married her. You ignored her and her needs. When she expressed needs for sexual connection or other connections you dismissed her and even told her to find it elsewhere. Then when she found it else where you didn't like that she needs a connection to have sex. Now you are shocked and shaken that she has made a connection and isn't interested in you anymore?
> 
> You've and her have killed this marriage. You need to realize that and move on. She is now living off you but doesn't want to contribute.
> 
> ...


It's not as simple as all that and we don't want to involve a lawyer. She has every right to our daughter that I do and I'm not going to take that from her. Yes I feel guilty but I also think our marriage is worth saving. She takes care of our daughter while I work and she is trying to get a job. I've made mistakes but I feel like we can come back from them.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Krysti said:


> It's not as simple as all that and we don't want to involve a lawyer. She has every right to our daughter that I do and I'm not going to take that from her. Yes I feel guilty but I also think our marriage is worth saving. She takes care of our daughter while I work and she is trying to get a job. I've made mistakes but I feel like we can come back from them.


You feel like you can come back from them. She doesn't, she is stringing you along. She has a place to stay, someone to pay the bills and another person to give her ego kibbles.

She may even 'come' back to you if this Amanda doesn't work out but she won't stay. Not with this dynamic. Further she hasn't agreed to try.

Most women when there is a break in the emotional and sexual bond don't rebuild. It's broken and she hasn't expressed interest in rebuilding it. So what is your plan. Your going to give her everything you can and hope she picks you?

You said you weren't 100% responsible for the break in the marriage so what is she doing to fix it? What exactly are you doing? How do you see this working out?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Krysti said:


> That's kind of how it feels to me too. I know she doesn't want to hurt me. She said she hates that the timing worked out this way but she isn't willing to put things on hold with the new woman. I am wondering if I should start to pull away and show her that things can't be the same with us. I don't know if I can but I am starting to think I should. Right now she has the best of both worlds and she doesn't seem to be hurting.


Yes, I think you should.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Krysti said:


> It's not as simple as all that and we don't want to involve a lawyer. She has every right to our daughter that I do and I'm not going to take that from her. Yes I feel guilty but I also think our marriage is worth saving. She takes care of our daughter while I work and she is trying to get a job. I've made mistakes but I feel like we can come back from them.


Hey Krysti,

why not talk to a lawyer? Set up a free consultation and learn what the law says. I'm not saying to use a lawyer for the divorce unless that is necessary, I'm no fan of buying lawyers another boat but you need to CYA.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You feel like you can come back from them. She doesn't, she is stringing you along. She has a place to stay, someone to pay the bills and another person to give her ego kibbles.
> 
> She may even 'come' back to you if this Amanda doesn't work out but she won't stay. Not with this dynamic. Further she hasn't agreed to try.
> 
> ...


Honestly I don't see it working but I can't seem to let it go either.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> Hey Krysti,
> 
> why not talk to a lawyer? Set up a free consultation and learn what the law says. I'm not saying to use a lawyer for the divorce unless that is necessary, I'm no fan of buying lawyers another boat but you need to CYA.


I'm just not there yet.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Krysti said:


> Divorce is not doable for us. She would need to completely start over and I can't blame her for this. I was the one who gave up first and took her for granted. I feel like it's cheating too because we are still married but we are separated so it's kind of not. I mean I can't even think of being with someone else but she said that she has been unhappy for so long so she has mourned our relationship already. I feel like there has been an unexpected death in my family and I don't know how to handle it. I think detaching is a good idea but we live together, we raise our daughter together, we eat meals together. There is only so much detaching that I can do. Also if you haven't read my previous post this is my fault. We haven't been physical in a long time due to past drama on my part and anxiety meds. So I suggested jokingly an open marriage so she could be sexually satisfied. She asked about it a week later and although I was shocked it seemed like she needed it so I agreed. She is very shy so she decided to use a chat website to just meet a friend so start with. As We talked about this more it became clear to me that I wasn't going to be Okay with this
> She even said if I wanted to see other people she wouldn't be able to deal so it was to be a one sided arrangement. She became friends with this woman Amanda. I got really jealous. My wife said she couldn't just sleep with someone random so she needed a friends with benefits situation. I was trying to be supportive but knew I wasn't going to be able to handle this. Two weeks ago while making dinner I was looking up the recipe on her phone and I opened her Snapchat and read that she didn't expect to feel this way and she can't wait to meet her and even if I want her to stop seeing her she won't. She said that I stopped sleeping with her because she gained weight which is completely false but she painted me as the villan. I confronted her about the messages and told her it wasn't supposed to be like that just a fwb not a relationship. She told me something changed with them and she wasn't looking for it and she didn't expect it but it happened. We got into a huge fight she left for a drive and when she came back she told me she didn't want to be together anymore and that she has been unhappy for years. She told me that she had been telling me and I just wasn't hearing her. I mean we fought but nothing too serious and I checked out and maybe got resentful and felt like I was always doing everything. She hated that we were homebodys. I have really bad anxiety and had really bad PPD after having our daughter. I know this is mostly my fault I just feel like it's so wrong not to give me a chance to fix it. If I hadn't of seen those messages we would still be together but she would be unhappy, that's what she said. My issue is though if you were going to stay with me and be unhappy why not stay with me and try to he happy? It doesn't make sense.


To be blunt you are allowing yourself to be a door matt. She's cheating on you, bad mouthing you to the AP, says she will get jealous if you see someone else, living on your dime, has no care whatsoever for your happiness and you are blaming yourself. If that isn't insanity I don't know what is. And you are going to allow this horrible and selfish person adopt your daughter? I know it a long way off before your daughter will understand relationships, but do you think what you are doing is a good example for her? Would you want your daughter to be walked over by a partner that is unfaithful, uses her for money and cares nothing for her happiness? If not, then why would you accept it for yourself?


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> To be blunt you are allowing yourself to be a door matt. She's cheating on you, bad mouthing you to the AP, says she will get jealous if you see someone else, living on your dime, has no care whatsoever for your happiness and you are blaming yourself. If that isn't insanity I don't know what is. And you are going to allow this horrible and selfish person adopt your daughter? I know it a long way off before your daughter will understand relationships, but do you think what you are doing is a good example for her? Would you want your daughter to be walked over by a partner that is unfaithful, uses her for money and cares nothing for her happiness? If not, then why would you accept it for yourself?


She isn't using me. This is new. She wants to get a job. She just hasn't found one yet. She is our daughter and she should have been adopted all along. I am not being a doormat I am trying to navigate this horrible situation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Krysti said:


> She isn't using me. This is new. She wants to get a job. She just hasn't found one yet. She is our daughter and she should have been adopted all along. I am not being a doormat I am trying to navigate this horrible situation.


Looking for a job or not, she is using you. You are making excuses for someone that is treating you very badly. She is vilifying you to an AP. Says she won't stop being with the other person and obviously doesn't care that your are unhappy. You are taking all the blame. Was it your fault that you had PPD? All this is the very definition of being a doormat. You are allowing yourself to be treated like crap while she gets everything she wants, including partial custody of your daughter. 

You didn't answer the question about how you would feel if your daughter were being treated like this. How would you advise her if her partner moved to the bedroom down the hall, told her it was over, was with another person, didn't contribute any money to the household and had no care for her happiness? Would you really want her to stick around and take it?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You are letting YOUR guilt make excuses for her bad actions. DO NOT do this. You obviously did NOT want her to find someone else, yet she did. She has said YOUR feelings are irrelevant -- she wouldn't stop talking to Amanda even if YOU wanted her to.


Krysti said:


> She told me that she had been telling me and I just wasn't hearing her.


Yes, you may have had marriage issues, but that does NOT give her the right to cheat -- which is what she is doing. If she was so unhappy, she should divorce you, PERIOD.
You need to move past the guilt, and make HER get a job --- you should NOT be supporting her cheating on you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Krysti said:


> I am concerned that once things get serious with this new woman I will lose it and possibly want her out of the house but I am trying to get in a better mindset before that happens. I think it's wrong that she is talking to someone else but what can I really do. She said she doesn't want to hurt me and that she is sorry about the timing but still I am hurt.


She is NOT sorry about the timing or hurting you -- she is saying that to manipulate you and your guilt so that you keep the comfortable life for her going. It IS wrong for her to do this -- what can you really do? Tell her to get a job and get out.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Krysti said:


> She isn't using me. This is new. She wants to get a job. She just hasn't found one yet. She is our daughter and she should have been adopted all along. I am not being a doormat I am trying to navigate this horrible situation.


I think it is important to look out for yourself too. You should both agree that during this separation period, and as long as you both live under the same roof, nobody is allowed to date or speak to another romantic partner so that you are able to keep your sanity while you sort things out. 
I don't see another way of separating peacefully with the minimum damage possible for everyone, including your daughter. Unless she keeps this promise, you are going to get hurt.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> You are letting YOUR guilt make excuses for her bad actions. DO NOT do this. You obviously did NOT want her to find someone else, yet she did. She has said YOUR feelings are irrelevant -- she wouldn't stop talking to Amanda even if YOU wanted her to.
> 
> Yes, you may have had marriage issues, but that does NOT give her the right to cheat -- which is what she is doing. If she was so unhappy, she should divorce you, PERIOD.
> You need to move past the guilt, and make HER get a job --- you should NOT be supporting her cheating on you.


I think the OP said in another thread that she decided to open the marriage because she is not very sexual and wanted her wife to be sexually fulfilled. The problem is that her wife started to have feelings for the new woman.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

coquille said:


> I think the OP said in another thread that she decided to open the marriage because she is not very sexual and wanted her wife to be sexually fulfilled. The problem is that her wife started to have feelings for the new woman.


I saw that, but you can tell she really did NOT want her wife to find someone else, and has made that clear. Her wife just flat out doesn't care. They should have gone to counseling to help work on this, NOT open the marriage.

She not only has feelings, she is bad mouthing the OP WHILE she is still living on her dime. BS. She's that unhappy, get out.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> I saw that, but you can tell she really did NOT want her wife to find someone else, and has made that clear. Her wife just flat out doesn't care. They should have gone to counseling to help work on this, NOT open the marriage.
> 
> She not only has feelings, she is bad mouthing the OP WHILE she is still living on her dime. BS. She's that unhappy, get out.


Agree.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I saw that, but you can tell she really did NOT want her wife to find someone else, and has made that clear. Her wife just flat out doesn't care. They should have gone to counseling to help work on this, NOT open the marriage.
> 
> She not only has feelings, she is bad mouthing the OP WHILE she is still living on her dime. BS. She's that unhappy, get out.


I hear what you all are saying but she doesn't want to hurt me. She was ignored so long on our marriage and pieces of her fell away. She said she doesn't have anything left to be able to fight for us. But she is still the same woman I fell in love with. She still holds me when I cry even now. She loves me but isn't in love with me. When she says she hates that she is hurting me I believe her. I can see it. I want her to be happy I just wish it would have been with me. She isn't using me, she is trying to get a job. Most everything we have is in my name and I will not leave her empty handed. She doesn't deserve to have to start all over. She is our daughters mother as much as me and will legally adopt her. We will not fight about our daughter. We have always been amazing parents and that will not change. We are friends and I will always be there for her even if it hurts.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Krysti said:


> I hear what you all are saying but she doesn't want to hurt me. She was ignored so long on our marriage and pieces of her fell away. She said she doesn't have anything left to be able to fight for us. But she is still the same woman I fell in love with. She still holds me when I cry even now. She loves me but isn't in love with me. When she says she hates that she is hurting me I believe her. I can see it. I want her to be happy I just wish it would have been with me. She isn't using me, she is trying to get a job. Most everything we have is in my name and I will not leave her empty handed. She doesn't deserve to have to start all over. She is our daughters mother as much as me and will legally adopt her. We will not fight about our daughter. We have always been amazing parents and that will not change. We are friends and I will always be there for her even if it hurts.


So if you divorce her, you WILL NOT be leaving her with nothing. You have the same divorce rules as everyone else -- you will have spousal support to provide to her, you have to work out child custody, etc.
I am not suggesting you have her live on the street. 
BUT at the same time, you NEED to get away from this -- you shouldn't let your guilt keep you in self-torture mode dealing with this all the time.

You say she isn't trying to hurt you, yet says all that crap to the other woman about you? THAT is how she feels now -- not the idealized view you have of her (she care, she loves me, she is the same woman... SHE IS NOT).
She hates that she is hurting you, yet has no problem bad-mouthing you to the other woman. She hates hurting you, but doesn't want to work on the marriage but wants YOU to pay for her life while SHE romances the other woman.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So if you divorce her, you WILL NOT be leaving her with nothing. You have the same divorce rules as everyone else -- you will have spousal support to provide to her, you have to work out child custody, etc.
> I am not suggesting you have her live on the street.
> BUT at the same time, you NEED to get away from this -- you shouldn't let your guilt keep you in self-torture mode dealing with this all the time.
> 
> ...


She is getting a job just hadn't found one yet. I think she said that because that was how she felt, hurt. Megan is not a hurtful person and she isn't using me or taking advantage of me. We are not at divorce yet. It may come to that but not for a while. We are going to try living together while separated for as long as it works. I am going to work on myself and maybe realize I'm okay with us being done. But right now this is new and painful and I don't want to get angry about it. I want to try and be strong and survive this.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Krysti said:


> I hear what you all are saying but she doesn't want to hurt me. She was ignored so long on our marriage and pieces of her fell away. She said she doesn't have anything left to be able to fight for us. But she is still the same woman I fell in love with. She still holds me when I cry even now. She loves me but isn't in love with me. When she says she hates that she is hurting me I believe her. I can see it. I want her to be happy I just wish it would have been with me. She isn't using me, she is trying to get a job. Most everything we have is in my name and I will not leave her empty handed. She doesn't deserve to have to start all over. She is our daughters mother as much as me and will legally adopt her. We will not fight about our daughter. We have always been amazing parents and that will not change. We are friends and I will always be there for her even if it hurts.


If she doesn't want to hurt you why did she say those things to the other woman? I can tell you it is because she says one thing to you and another to her. She must be lying to someone. 

If you don't divorce, how do you see this playing out? You are just going to be roommates with a shared child? She will have her own relationships under the same roof as you with your next relationship partner? What happens when her relationship gets serious and she wants to remarry?

You are avoiding the question about how would you advise your daughter if she were in a similar situation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Krysti said:


> She is getting a job just hadn't found one yet. I think she said that because that was how she felt, hurt. Megan is not a hurtful person and she isn't using me or taking advantage of me. We are not at divorce yet. It may come to that but not for a while. We are going to try living together while separated for as long as it works. I am going to work on myself and maybe realize I'm okay with us being done. But right now this is new and painful and I don't want to get angry about it. I want to try and be strong and survive this.


Even though I think you are blind to the reality of the situation I'm genuinely hoping for the best for you and your daughter.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Does she want to continue with the adoption? Conversely, do you want to continue with the adoption and potential pay her child support on top of alimony?

Note that she is going to leave you for someone else. Does this change your answer to the above?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Krysti said:


> I hear what you all are saying but she doesn't want to hurt me. *She was ignored so long on our marriage and pieces of her fell away. She said she doesn't have anything left to be able to fight for us.* But she is still the same woman I fell in love with. She still holds me when I cry even now. She loves me but isn't in love with me. When she says she hates that she is hurting me I believe her. I can see it. I want her to be happy I just wish it would have been with me. She isn't using me, she is trying to get a job. Most everything we have is in my name and I will not leave her empty handed. She doesn't deserve to have to start all over. She is our daughters mother as much as me and will legally adopt her. We will not fight about our daughter. We have always been amazing parents and that will not change. We are friends and I will always be there for her even if it hurts.


Look up walk away wife. She is done. Feelings like that don't just come back. If she was willing to try there are connection exercises that you could try. But not only did you ignore her you flippantly suggested outside relations. You basically told her you don't care enough about her to keep her to yourself. There are only a few people who do well with being shared.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> Does she want to continue with the adoption? Conversely, do you want to continue with the adoption and potential pay her child support on top of alimony?
> 
> Note that she is going to leave you for someone else. Does this change your answer to the above?


I think she is experience to much grief to think straight and see the reality of the situation.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Even though I think you are blind to the reality of the situation I'm genuinely hoping for the best for you and your daughter.


Thank you for your support.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm sure you are hurt but that's no reason to agree to whatever idiocy she wants to do. You'd have to be a fool to let her stay under your roof when you know she's done with you and just need you for financial reasons. 

If you're married you need to file for divorce. If you're not you need to make whatever legal moves you need to make to get either her or you out of the house.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Look up walk away wife. She is done. Feelings like that don't just come back. If she was willing to try there are connection exercises that you could try. But not only did you ignore her you flippantly suggested outside relations. You basically told her you don't care enough about her to keep her to yourself. There are only a few people who do well with being shared.


I know that she isn't there right now and may never want to get back together but I'm still going to try and maybe that makes me dumb but I can't just let go. She has been my world for so long and she is my family. I know this seems black and white to yall but it's not. This just happened 2 weeks ago so give me some time to hope and be optimistic.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Krysti said:


> I know that she isn't there right now and may never want to get back together but I'm still going to try and maybe that makes me dumb but I can't just let go. She has been my world for so long and she is my family. I know this seems black and white to yall but it's not. This just happened 2 weeks ago so give me some time to hope and be optimistic.


Just know that if she starts a new physical relationship you are 100% history to her in that regard, if not already.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure you are hurt but that's no reason to agree to whatever idiocy she wants to do. You'd have to be a fool to let her stay under your roof when you know she's done with you and just need you for financial reasons.
> 
> If you're married you need to file for divorce. If you're not you need to make whatever legal moves you need to make to get either her or you out of the house.


I'm not ready to give up on us. If all we get to be is friends living under the same roof then so be it. I may get hurt but I'll survive.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Just know that if she starts a new physical relationship you are 100% history to her in that regard, if not already.


I know. I hate it but I know.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure you are hurt but that's no reason to agree to whatever idiocy she wants to do. You'd have to be a fool to let her stay under your roof when you know she's done with you and just need you for financial reasons.
> 
> If you're married you need to file for divorce. If you're not you need to make whatever legal moves you need to make to get either her or you out of the house.


I am trying to make the best out of this situation. She isn't the villan you all are making her out to be. She is trying her best to navigate this as much as I am. We are both just doing our best.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Krysti said:


> I'm not ready to give up on us. If all we get to be is friends living under the same roof then so be it. I may get hurt but I'll survive.


You are just desperate and sentencing yourself to a life of misery. If you are really friends she will still be your friend when she's not living there sponging off of you while seeing other people.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You are just desperate and sentencing yourself to a life of misery. If you are really friends she will still be your friend when she's not living there sponging off of you while seeing other people.


I may be desperate but I know her and she is my friend and is not trying to hurt me. I want her to be happy even if it hurts me. Who knows what the future will bring for us with each other or other people? We will see I guess.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Krysti said:


> I may be desperate but I know her and she is my friend and is not trying to hurt me. I want her to be happy even if it hurts me. Who knows what the future will bring for us with each other or other people? We will see I guess.


She knows she is hurting you. She knows she could go about this in a way that would hurt you less instead of making you miserable going forward.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She knows she is hurting you. She knows she could go about this in a way that would hurt you less instead of making you miserable going forward.


Yes she knows she is hurting me but that isn't her intention. I can't expect her not to see anyone for however long we live together. That isn't fair of me. I am responsible for the downfall of our marriage and she has already grieved it so we are in different places. We are friends, we hang out together, with family. Yes this is unconventional and yes I am getting hurt but it's working for now and she is not a monster she is hurting too. This whole thing is hard and maybe one day we will realize we want to work on it but right now she is not there and I need to work on myself before I am even there. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to try to fix this overnight if at all. Things take time and effort and yes I want to earn her back but I also have to accept that I may never get her back. Acceptance is hard and I am not there but I want to be and that's a start.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You feel like you can come back from them. She doesn't, she is stringing you along. She has a place to stay, someone to pay the bills and another person to give her ego kibbles.
> 
> She may even 'come' back to you if this Amanda doesn't work out but she won't stay. Not with this dynamic. Further she hasn't agreed to try.
> 
> ...


She isn't stringing me along. She has been clear that she doesn't want to work on us, she said she is not there right now and may never be. She is my wife, a mother to our child, and my friend simply asking her to leave is nor an option. I don't want her to leave. I want my best friend and I to raise our daughter together in our house for as long as we can. I'm not hoping she picks me. I am hoping I can earn her back. She endured years of thinking I didn't care and me not showing up for her so I'm not surprised she is seeing someone else but yes it hurts and it should. I should be in pain, I should hurt. If I wasn't then I would obviously not care about her anymore but I hurt because I do care. I'm not bitter and angry like so many people are. I am becoming more self aware, I am reflecting on who I have been and who I want to be and I am trying to change. It doesn't matter who pays the bills. We are still a team. When she gets a job she will save her money for things WE need. She isn't living off me. We are in this together. We divide responsibilities in the home, separated or not there is no taking advantage happening. I am in therapy working on me. I am trying to enjoy life more. I am spending time with her and enjoying it instead of treating it like a chore. I am trying to be a better friend than I was a wife. I am communicating better than I ever have. I am working on not sweating the small and stupid stuff. We are working on not fighting but having meaningful conversations that don't end up in fights. We are trying to be better to each other.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Krysti said:


> She isn't stringing me along. She has been clear that she doesn't want to work on us, she said she is not there right now and may never be. She is my wife, a mother to our child, and my friend simply asking her to leave is nor an option. I don't want her to leave. I want my best friend and I to raise our daughter together in our house for as long as we can. I'm not hoping she picks me. I am hoping I can earn her back. She endured years of thinking I didn't care and me not showing up for her so I'm not surprised she is seeing someone else but yes it hurts and it should. I should be in pain, I should hurt. If I wasn't then I would obviously not care about her anymore but I hurt because I do care. I'm not bitter and angry like so many people are. I am becoming more self aware, I am reflecting on who I have been and who I want to be and I am trying to change. It doesn't matter who pays the bills. We are still a team. When she gets a job she will save her money for things WE need. She isn't living off me. We are in this together. We divide responsibilities in the home, separated or not there is no taking advantage happening. I am in therapy working on me. I am trying to enjoy life more. I am spending time with her and enjoying it instead of treating it like a chore. I am trying to be a better friend than I was a wife. I am communicating better than I ever have. I am working on not sweating the small and stupid stuff. We are working on not fighting but having meaningful conversations that don't end up in fights. We are trying to be better to each other.


How can you earn her back when she says she doesn't want to work on it with you and is striking up a relationship with another person? A relationship where she has talked badly about you. What is in your power to change her if she isn't even trying. You think your mere presence will change her mind somehow? That hasn't been good enough in the past to keep, so why now would it work to get her back? If she were willing to go to counseling you might have hope, but she doesn't even want to try and she is falling in love with another person.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Krysti -- how are things going?


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