# Feel like a horrible human being



## lostlonelyconfused (Apr 23, 2011)

So I care for my wife, but our life has gotten complicated to the point of despair. 

We have been married the better part of ten years and the relationship started out with health issues. Let me first say that this is not her first marriage and that she has children who are in their teens now. We don't have children of our own as her health left her unable to bare children, we faced this together. 

My wife didn't like the idea of letting her children be alone with their father as we are now fairly certain that he suffers from a disease in the autism spectrum as her son suffers similarly, though her ex-husband won't admit he has a problem... despite several brake downs he has had with his children, who's relationship is now strained. Because of this she is practically his only friend and during the first years of our marriage, she talked with him more than me and he spent every weekend with us. I felt that I was more her lover than her husband and I got to the point where I considered leaving her.

We worked through this and she allowed him to take the kids every other week. This worked, we had time to ourselves to work on a relationship that had never really been given a chance. I wanted a family and their grandmother had spent her time with the kids convincing them that their mother should never had divorced their father. We found this out in counselling as her daughter was always upset when she came home... and it explained why her son hated me so much.

We had gotten our relationship back on track, but our son's grades and attitude had gotten worse and we faced that problem, but my wife was hurt at work and has had several operations to correct the damage, but there have been complications and she can no longer have surgery, the damage will likely cause her condition to worsen. On top of that after her ex's latest breakdown, we now have him over every weekend and he calls her several times a day.

To make matters worse, my profession has me out the door early and in late, but I find myself leaving earlier and staying later to stay away from home. Over the years I have watched her distance herself from her friends despite my encouragement and she has kept me from making any outside of my work. My brother inlaw was an exception and he moved away a few years ago leaving me with no one to turn to. 

A work colleague of mine took me out for drinks a few times, but I keep my life out of the work place as my employer is deeply Christian and I don't know how they will deal with me if I was to get divorced... but I had fun and realized what was missing in my life.

But that left me feeling more trapped. I realize that I have left alone of detail out, but I don't want to get specific.

The bottom line is I don't want to continue living this way and I want to be happy, but I have gotten so far in that I don't see how I can get the relationship to a happy place and that makes me a horrible person.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you started by talking to your wife about how you feel? Is it a starting point to get the ex out of your house/life? After all, they got divorced for a reason, no? And have your wife talk to her mother (or is it her ex-MIL?) about what's appropriate to talk about and what's not appropriate.

If your wife is willing and wanting to make your relationship a priority, you have a chance of fixing things, I'd think. If she doesn't, then there's not much you can do besides making plans to leave, and not feeling guilty about it. She has to make decisions about what's important to her, and if it's not you, then so be it.

C


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## lostlonelyconfused (Apr 23, 2011)

Its the ex mother inlaw and we spoke to her son to stop it, but the damage has already been done.

As for the ex still being around, she is so consumed by fear of them being alone with him that she will do anything to protect them... short of seeking single custody, which I have asked her to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you didn't answer the important question... Have you talked to her about things being so bad that you're seriously considering leaving the marriage?

C


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unfortunately you should have looked much more deeply into what you were getting into when you married your wife

How stuck you are is up to you---Your wife will always put HER KIDS before you, and that is what you are facing

The MIL will fight for/protect her son, that is also what you are facing

If her X---has a mental defect, then your wife should go into court and sue for custody

You obviously can't continue to live like this as you seem to be miserable---so you have some decisions to make, as does your wife

The kids don't like you---that most likely won't change

Sit down with your wife, lay it all out, and come to a resolution---it may sound difficult, but for your own future, and mental health---it needs to be done

Your wife must decide tween you, and her X---she doesn't have to go no contact---but he should not be at your house at all--for anymore than picking up/dropping off his kids

When you took wedding vows they did not include her X---as to the kids--do the best you can to be civil--but do not take any crap from them---you do not deserve it---you have a right to a good life, and it does not include taking BS from teenagers

You only get one trip thru life on this planet---it is spose to be happy, carefree, and with peace of mind---that doesn't sound very much like you at this point in time


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't see any reason for her ex to be coming over or calling your wife at all. His kids are teenagers and can spend time with him away from your home. You have far more patience than I because I can't imagine my wife remaining "best friends" with her ex. In the case of your wife, it sounds like she's his primary support group and he must be her's. On what basis could your wife possibly deny you having friendships? She's set the bar and it's not very high. It's fair game in your house to not only have deep intimate friendships with persons of the opposite sex, but also with former sexual partners. 
 This guy has psych problems? That's sad but it's not your beer and it's not your wife's either. Somewhere along the way, she decided or agreed to leave him and marry you. Now, she's apparently trying to keep both. Doesn't work that way (at least it wouldn't in my house). My wife wouldn't stand for me getting several calls a year from my ex and certainly not several calls a day plus visits every weekend (that you know of). They're either divorced or they're married. If they're divorced, he needs to find another source of support. If she's married to you, then she's your best friend, not some other guys'.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You aren't a horrible person, you are just in a situation that seems hopeless and horrible to you. 

I don't even understand why you think you are horrible, honestly. Admitting you made a mistake, for example, is simply the reality of being human. 

Get into counseling, now. You need someone to bounce ideas off and right now you don't have anyone. A good therapist gives you that as well as helping you develop insight. 

Take a deep breath and realize that you are not doomed to misery. You can make changes that will improve your life. You need to explore some of those options. Also, it sounds like you might be depressed--so please see your doctor ASAP (Monday after Easter) and talk about how you feel. Words like "despair" and "horrible" reflect some very depressed thinking. You will have a hard time seeing anything in a positive light if you are suffering from depression. 

Once you feel better about your ability to cope and find solutions, you can start making other changes. But just these two things--getting some individual counseling and seeing your doctor--will set you on a path to a better life. God bless.


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