# Married a week and not happy!!!



## starlight (Oct 13, 2009)

I am 28 years old and just over a week a go I got married to a fantastic guy. He is 30, adores me, wants to make me happy and finds me attractive.

But yet I am not happy. I feel trapped, lonely and keep thinking of my what if guy from years ago. Whom I am still in VERY random contact with as we have been friends for ten years after the event. 

My husband and I have been together for about 4-4.5 years. He is very devoted as am I to him. I have never cheated on him nor would I, I could not hurt him that way. But I am hurting him in others. I hold back sexually, emotionaly (except anger or normal friend stuff) I never let him comfort me if I have an lupset I simply take it out on him. I find his attempts and kindness at romance, soppy and annoying, so I never feel romanced. He is so desprate to want me to fancy him the same way he does me, for the most part he is seemingly desperate in the bedroom and the rare times we do have sex he is nervous and clumsy. I am aware my problems are affecting him. But I don't know how to break the cycle. When we started our relationship it was new exciting and the sex was fantastic. He was confident and we both wanted each otehr badly. But the longer we have been together the more the afore mentioned has come to be the norm.

I am so scared that I am stuck in a marrige where I care deeply for my husband and love him, but honestly don't think I am in love with him. I have fantasies about friends, old boyfriends, work collegues even people on the street, but towards him I am friged and distant. I am not that person! I am warm, sexual, funny, comforting, touchy feely. But all I feel when I am around is irritated, annoyed, frustrated, sexually turned off and cold. Everytime I hear my married name I want to cry and just be me again.

Any advice or plan old telling me how it is would be welcome. I can not speak to my friends as they are either getting married, starting familys or would not understand cause they freak out if one of the couple freinds even so much as have an argument thinking it means the end of the relationship.

Thanks in advance to all x


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow married a whole week and this already? Way to step up and make it work starlight. Here is a little free advice...put a little more of yourself into your husband and you will care for him more, do it long enough and gasp...you may even find that you actually love him. Perhaps though, you prefer the alternative. If so continue to focus your energy elsewhere on imaginary what ifs and pretend men, that no actual flesh and blood man could possibly compete against. Choose this, and watch your marriage shrivel like a delicate flower in the unforgiving sun of your neglect. 

In closing starlight, if you're concerned about loving your husband, start by loving your husband. Mature relationships are improved by investing, not by withdrawing. Try it and see. LIL


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Why did you get married?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

As Last said you need to make the effort.. Yo have to TRY and put your husband first. Not say it but do it and feel it. Want to make him happy. Watch how he recipocates those feelings and moakes you feel loved back. The "in love" feeling only happens when both try to make that fire last. It goes away when one stops and pulls back. Then the other does.. Good luck and it's scary why people get married even though they don't have the great feelings that come with it..


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Um. I'm new, and my relationship is pretty bad at the moment so I'm not exactly an expert. But things are easier to see from the outside. 

The part about fantasizing about other men...I've been there. The human mind is really complex. I personally felt that, however much i loved my husband, i just didn't feel like he filled the 'man in my life' slot, because he didn't behave that way and i was too used to him (no mystery nothing left for the imagination). Hence, my mind would point out every confident, potentially atractive male around. What I did to feel atracted to my man again was to fantasize about him. I turned him in whatever i wanted him to be in my fantasies. I also made an effort to remember and fantasize about all the sexy moments we had together. (That's what makes you attracted to other people, you don't really know them so you imagine all the awesome things they might do to you....)


Breaking the cycle in my opinion would work like this:

-first off, realizing that when you love someone you become weak, and you being so distant and cold makes him loose his self esteem (if the woman that's supposed to love him most doesn't make him feel like a man and he's not cheating - getting confirmation from outside the marriage - he'll obviously feel like he's not good enough.)So stop being distant. Treat him like you just met him and want to pick him up...doesn't matter if you like him or not, take it as a game, for your ego. Try boost up his ego, *make him feel like a man*. Tell him how attracted you were to him in the begining and how confident and fun he was, but in a way that doesn't say 'you aren't that anymore'. 

Love has nothing to do with it in my opinion. You need/want to feel atraction, otherwise he's just like a brother to you. Figure out whatever could make you feel attracted to him and try subtly get that kind of behaviour from him. Joke around, play around, loose the pressure. Now, if I could only start doing what i just told you to do....


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Take a DEEP BREATH...

You said you really love this man, that he is amazing in your eyes...you need to calm down. This is a WHOLE lot of fear talking right now. Find some way to relax...try to open up to him just a little about your fear that you are going to lose your independence and be trapped. 

Was it a big wedding with lots, lots of planning/coordinating? If so, you may be extremely exhausted, and really need to just relax and take time for yourself, but also just time with your new hubby. You haven't lost yourself...you've only added something new and exciting to your life.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I've messed up every piece of advice I've tried to give, including similar advice to this type of situation on another thread, but I may get a hit sometime. Here Goes.

This builds off of the first part of Nekko's post. I was just reading advice columnist "Ask Amy" in my local paper. There was a letter from somene who also fantasized about other men during sex w/ her husband and felt guilty about it. Amy's advice was don't worry about it. Sex lives get old, and the one thing that sex between you can NEVER be is "new" again (even though married only a couple of weeks, starlight's been w/ her husband for years, so it applies, I think). If fantasizing helps, go for it. 

And Amy is the older, slightly more prudish advice columnist in my paper.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Funny cody5...I've actually heard that a few times too. I just never could get over feeling guilty enough to really do it consistently.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

There's a giant disconnect between what she says she feels about her husband and her other actions.

#1, if you are still into this ex-BF and you keep in contact, what do you expect is going to happen? How can you get over what you haven't let go of?

So first thing you do is cut contact with him. 

You are a married woman now and you need to behave like one.

As for the rest, go to a shrink and figure out what's messed up in your head. The first week of marriage should be bliss. But you have found a way to wreck it for yourself. Why? Don't you want to be happy or can you only want what you don't have? That's an immature response. Are you really that immature?

Stop doing the things you've stated that you do -- stop holding back. Give your husband credit and stop feeling that you're not romanced when you clearly are.

Why on Earth did you get married? You get married to give yourself to the other person and to have them give themselves to you. You don't know how to give. All you know is how to take. And you're not happy with what you're taking. That's because you're not happy with yourself. So start there. What don't you like about yourself?


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## starlight (Oct 13, 2009)

Hello Everyone who responded....some responses I have received are harsh to read and others are very supportive, but all are fair so thank you.

I married my husband for good reasons and assumed that these same feelings before the wedding where wedding jitters. Now I am married maybe I have put to much pressure on us by thinking that day after the wedding I would feel 100% differnet.

I do want to make my marrige work and I do want to make him and us happy. I know I am holding back but it feels like if I let go completley then I loose control to be me. Like I have given him the power to hurt me and know my weaknesses. He is not a dilibretly hurtful person but as all couples will atribute there is fighting in relationships and hurtful ones at time. During these times he has taken my past pain or vunerablility and turned it against me and it has been like a kick to the guts. So completley opening up to him makes me very aware that I am giving him the ability to do that more.

As for the "other guy" a small explanation there i feel is warented. He is older than me, a family friend for years we had a thing almost 8 years ago (one nighter) I was in ore of this guy . He was very much into the whole thing becoming somthing, but I got freaked and rejected him (the age, family friend, distance of me in uk him usa). As he is a family friend he is not someone I can simply remove from my life as we will always have VERY limted contact (i.e speak once or twice a year). My husband knows the history as we where friends before anything else and has even met him when we visted them all just over a year ago and they get on. This other guy is not intrested anymore and for the the most part neither am I. But I (not sure its the same for eveyone) have the what if senario. Its all in my head and I have no suggetion from him that he feels the same. I guess I simply revert back to a time where I felt sexy, wanted and in control at the same time.

I know this is all me, I am the one with issues that is causing the rift. As for the "way to step up and make it work" comment, clearly that is what I want and am trying to do as I am discussing this with others in hopes to get a differnet prespective on it and maybe look at my situation with fresh eyes and make things better for us.

Thank you all again sorry I go on and on!!!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

starlight said:


> I do want to make my marrige work and I do want to make him and us happy. I know I am holding back but it feels like if I let go completley then I loose control to be me. Like I have given him the power to hurt me and know my weaknesses. He is not a dilibretly hurtful person but as all couples will atribute there is fighting in relationships and hurtful ones at time. During these times he has taken my past pain or vunerablility and turned it against me and it has been like a kick to the guts. So completley opening up to him makes me very aware that I am giving him the ability to do that more.


Hun you have this all wrong. You sound like my wife. You have one foot out the door before your even married. You must have been hurt bad in the past or suffer from low self-esteem. Giving your husband the ability to hurt you is part of being in love. You can't do this and have a marriage survive. The only way to truely love somebody is to give yourself to them. You said it yourself your husband isn't that type to do that and you married him for a reason. Stop hurting the marriage and make it stronger. This will fail if things stay the way they are eventually..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Sorry starlight I still don't understand what is going on with you.
Do you want to be married to this wonderful guy or not?
If you do get your sh** together -
stop expecting him to make you happy 
if you have made a mistake in marrying him 
get out now before any more damage is done...
and give him a chance to find someone who can love him 
so far there aren't any 'problems' in your marriage except those going on in your head -
and I am sorry but I feel like telling you to grow up. 
Something in what you are saying just doesn't add up for me -
I don't really understand why you can't talk to your friends either -
stop making excuses for the way you are feeling and start taking responsibility....


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

> I know I am holding back but it feels like if I let go completley then I loose control to be me. Like I have given him the power to hurt me and know my weaknesses. He is not a dilibretly hurtful person but as all couples will atribute there is fighting in relationships and hurtful ones at time. During these times he has taken my past pain or vunerablility and turned it against me and it has been like a kick to the guts.


No risk, no gain. Sounds like your husbands only fault is that he's your husband. If you have a problem with being intimate and open (because you're afraid you'll get hurt), remember it will follow you around in every relationship (not only men) until you fix it and get a different view on the situation.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can relate to the feeling of you love him but you don't want to "let your guard down" so to speak. Its very difficult to just jump in all the way and go for it. So take it in baby steps. Buy a new piece of lingerie and suprise him. I do that, when I get up in the mornings even though I am a SAHM to two boys, I still get up and make myself look pretty FOR him. This makes our sexual bond stronger because he knows I am putting effort into it to make him notice me. We have now gotten to the point where I think of him at least 5 times a day while I am doing small things. Making dinner, making the bed, doing the laundry, etc. Next thing you know you realize what you have is all you need. But it doesn't happen overnight honey. Baby steps!


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