# Wife has moved out, says she doesnt love me anymore.



## MrHusband (Dec 19, 2012)

First some background, my wife and I first met 12 years ago when we were 17/18 and have been in a relationship since. We moved in together 4.5 years ago and got married just 18 months ago. We don't have any children.

As far as I was aware our marriage was fine until just over a month ago. She went out with a friend for a drink and when she came home she told me that she was depressed and didn't feel the same about me anymore. She put this down to the stress she was under at work, and I accepted it and tried to be there for her. At first I coped OK and was more understanding but she began to shut me out more and more.

This weekend I told her that I couldn't carry on with her not loving me, I don't know if I was right to do this, I guess I half expected her to be sorry and say she would try harder.

She didn't, she left and is now staying with her parents. I was crushed, half tried to talk her round, half wanted her to go because it was too painful.

Since then she came over yesterday morning and we talked for about 2 hours. It started with practicalities of her being at her parents while i was in our house, financial arrangements, cars etc.

We inevitably got on to our relationship. She now tells me that she had been growing more unhappy and distant for months, at least as far back as our last holiday in July. She wanted to be out of the house when I was there and wanted me out when she was there.

I asked her if there was anyone else involved she said she hadn't cheated on me but it had become more appealing and she had actually had 2 people that she had thought about doing it with.

I asked her why she didn't tell me any of this months ago, when we could have done something to fix it. She replied that at first she thought it was a 'phase' and she would try harder and things would look up for a few weeks. Eventually she said she didn't tell me because of the guilt of hurting me.

We decided to separate until the end of February with her living at her parents, and if her feelings change we would give it another go, or if not we would sort out something more permanent. She agreed to go to marriage counseling in the meantime and I am waiting to hear from them about an appointment. We parted amicably, she took a few things and I let her have the TV from the spare room as she didn't have one at the parents'.

We've since exchanged a couple of texts about the counseling, and she has told me she wants at least a few weeks of 'minimal' to see if she misses me at all.

Her parents have contacted me to say they are gutted and don't understand why she is doing this. The have offered to help all they can while still being supportive of their daughter.

I want to know what to do now?

Should I do as she asks and keep contact minimal? (I need to inform her that the car needs an MOT test in January for example)

Is it right to have counseling in this time?

Is there any way back from her admitting to thinking about other men?

Should I hold out any hope of us getting back together?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"I asked her if there was anyone else involved she said she hadn't cheated on me but it had become more appealing and she had actually had 2 people that she had thought about doing it with"

MrHusband, as you now know, this is what's really going on. If you do some reading here in the Coping With Infidelity section you'll see that in many cases, regardless of what your wife has told you, she has already started some type of relationship with someone else.

If you really want to try and find out, if you have access to her cell phone bill on line, look at the past few months and see if there are alot of texts/phone calls to another 1 or 2 numbers. Pay attention to the dates and times. Were you with her? Is it late at night when you're sleeping or early in the morning?

This is a long shot but could you get here car so you'd be able to place a voice Activated Recorder under the front seat with heavy duty velcro? Would you also be able to go back at some point and switch it out with a second VAR so you could listen to the first? For some people who may be involved in an affair, they feel safe talking on their phones in their cars.

Last, look up the 180. It will help you detach from her. You should go dark on her and not communicate with her at all unless it's about finances and moving forward to either fix or dissolve the marriage.

If she is actively involved in either and Emotional Affair (EA) or a Physical Affair (PA) counseling is a waste of time and money. Did the two of you agree that it was OK to date while you're seperated? I wouldn't be surprised if she is.

Good luck and sorry you find yourself here. You may want to ask a moderator to move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity section


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## MrHusband (Dec 19, 2012)

I probably haven't got access to that. I used to know her passwords for Facebook/Twitter and stuff but I advised her to change them ages ago because one of her accounts got hacked.

We never discussed the finer points of the separation. If she goes ahead and dates other men then I guess that is it. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt as to whether she has already been unfaithful or not.

If we are both willing to get counseling it must surely be a good thing even if it just makes everything clearer in our minds. Besides that I am going to cut communication for a while.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"If we are both willing to get counseling it must surely be a good thing even if it just makes everything clearer in our minds"

You may be right but also remember that in alot of cases here at TAM, the cheating spouse will often go through the motions of counseling so when they do finally walk away, they can tell everyone how hard they tried to work things out. It's a typical cheater's play.

"Besides that I am going to cut communication for a while"

This is good! Also, look up the 180 for some great advice on how to improve yourself and be prepared for what life may bring you next

Again, please do some reading in he CWI section!


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## MrHusband (Dec 19, 2012)

I've read elsewhere on this forum that the EA could actually be a friend. There is one I can think of who certainly does have her ear and has been separated from her partner a number of times for reasons of depression etc.

I am trying to do plenty of reading around this forum.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Good

Keep reading so you're educated on the possibilities of what could be gong on with your wife.

It's also possible that she is just done at this point but again the rapid change with her attitude set off alarm bells in my head


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