# Help, my world is falling apart



## Sammy3115 (Nov 22, 2012)

Hi everyone..

Where to start... Last July I was pregnant and lost the baby at 5 months, my husband was acting weird, whilst pregnant, staying out at a party, lying about buying books, flowers etc..., then in oct he went away for a course, only later I found he wasn't at the course for 3 days with work, finally after 2 months after me nagging as I felt like something was wrong he confessed he just went out with friends for 3 for the 3 nighs partying.

Something just didn't sit right he was behaving weirdly, really sexually charged, constantly in his own world... He knew I didn't like these new work people he was going out, and one lady in particular, but they would text randomly, he was being weird with his pone, showers as soon as he came home, but constantly telling me, I'm going crazy and nothing is going on. Then I recieve a DVD in the post of him getting very intimate with the same women I dislike in e back of the car... They claim it was only going on for 3 months, but I have messages that show it was going on for almost a year..

I Was devastated, I couldn't believe it, I took my 3 children and left him.. Since then he has been grovelling and pleading for forgiveness and claims he was leading a double life and he couldn't stop himself... He has made some serious changes in his life, but can't leave that work place for another 4 months.

I said to him I wanted to know everything about what had hapened, it appeared he was having 3 other emotional affairs, before this women came along..

He swears they never had sex it was only oral, and only last night he told me the 3 nights he stayed away they did sleep together, my whole world has shattered again, I felt like I was strong and now I'm weak again. 

His mistress has also contacted me and tells me the same stories that he does even after they change their stories, which makes me think they still talk at work via there internal email.

His truth/confessions about his double life keep changing, I just wanted to know the truth, about the affair, but he just won't be honest and tell me, he is desperate for us to work, but the other women wants him to leave me.

I just don't know whatto do, I want the truth, I given him every threat under the sun, and just as I let him in a little more lies come out about his past, we have children together, I rely in him financially and the kids love him.... I just don't know what to do..

Please can someone help, this has been ongoing for the last 10 months.

This is only a brief insight. Please feel free to ask any questions,


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm so very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Your husband has been acting despicably without honor or integrity. 

It's obvious that he and the OW have been getting together to weave a united story. Unfortunately they are so inept they both have to make the same amendments. 

If the OW is married (and don't believe your H that she isn't) then you should expose the affair to her husband. 

How are your finances? Is his financial support sufficient? Do you have savings? Support from family? 

I think it's premature to reconcile. As long as they work together - and as long as his other workmates have influence - he will continue to deceive. 

I'm sure he is remorseful. But methinks his remorse is more along the lines of having been found out and the consequences he faces rather than for actually being a cowardly-heel. 

Have you seen a lawyer? Don't relent.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

So sorry you are here. It is a nightmare come true.

Your WH might change, but I doubt it. The actions show that he is a cake-eater.

I had a wife that did that. Eventually she quit the affairs, but my pain changed to anger. I figured the best way to be happily married was to upgrade to an honest partner. It was easier to find a new person that is already honest instead of trying to train someone that is dishonest.

If you already are split, why not divorce? You should try to get the house back, and make sure you get the money you have coming.

Good luck! TAM is a GREAT resource!!!!


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## Sammy3115 (Nov 22, 2012)

Thank you both! OW is married with kids too and was ready to leave her husband for him.

I agree it's premature to reconcile... I have seen a lawyer but he would never see me or the kids go without, he would support us, but is adamant he won't let me leave him, as he loves me too much, what ever that means?!!!!

We have been married for 7 years and were actually ver happy, well I thought we were... I left everything , family, friends, fantastic career, with 3 young children it will be hard to get back into work.

But I totally agree there is no trust there at all, I find I'm being a detective all the time... 

Our families will not just let us part like this, they will pressurise us to try to . 

I'm stuck where I just don't know what to do, his family forced me to let him into my house which I did, and again last night I kicked him out again when he confessed they slept together and now I can't get that out of my head.

I feel like every threat/stand I make I have to go back on I'm and now he won't even take me seriously when I told him to leave last night.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Expose to OW husband if you can.

Immediately start doing the 180. Decide what to do after you've done the 180 for a bit. Your head will be clearer.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Sorry that your here.

Threats mean nothing.. Actions speak louder then words.

You really need to understand and accept that you might have to loose your marriage to fix it. If you cannot accept that then nothing you say will ever fix this. He has to see that your willing to give him up and divorce him. His child payment will pretty hefty as well with 3 kids.

What I always suggest is the following.

Make an appointment with a Marriage counselor and a divorce attorney. Get appointment cards from both. Make them a day apart. Give him both cards and tell him meet me here to fix this or the other place to end this marriage. 

You need to do the 180, which is for you. It to help you heal. It is not to make your man jealous or to teach him a lesson. It is used to help you prepare for a possible divorce and to make you strong or stronger and to help you cope. The 180 link is in my signature.

I completely understand the financial situation, but you both need to honestly decide what is more important, your marriage or his work. Personally I was ready and willing to give up everything to fix my marriage and I was until my wife left for this other man.

You want to have him stop emailing his other women from his work. Then you need to expose him and this other women to everyone. It is not to humiliate anyone, it is to make it harder for them to continue the affair. Affairs strive on being secret. The minute everyone knows it becomes very difficult for the affair to continue, especially in the work place.

Tell your inlaws, tell his boss. Find out where this women lives tell her neighbors, tell her family if you can. You need to cause them enough issues that this other women will be to busy to deal with your husband.

Is she married maybe, or have a boyfriend ? That will help you tons. 

In my situation the other man had nothing and what little family he did have all knew she was married and were okay with it. So no point in telling them since they all where pieces of sh1t anyways. Hopefully you will have something to hold over this other women head.

End result husband has to come clean for this to work out. You need professional help as well. You cannot do this alone.

You need to explain to him calmly that if you keep finding stuff out slowly ( which is called trickle truth ) it is more painful then just finding out all at once. It's like pulling off a bandaid.

You need to be ready for the truth because I think, if not pretty sure you will much more then this incident.

More will come with helpful information.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't be pressured into anything. It's your life and you have responsibilities to your children and to yourself. He can cry all the crocodile tears he wants. The life you envisioned and planned has been shattered. It's going to take time to decide what you want. 

He can't cut you off financially. Get that lawyer working and draw up divorce papers. 

1. Tell him he needs to look for another well paying job. He should not expect you to reconcile until he does. 

2. Expose the affair to the OW's husband. Don't listen to what your husband says. The chances are that the husband knows nothing and deserves the truth. 

3. Tell your husband that while he is looking for another job he should write down in detail what he has done. All of it. In ink in a spiral notebook and to give it to you in the next week. 

4. Tell him you need to have passwords to all his electronic communication tools. Even the work ones. Tell him you will want to check his text messages from the last 6 months. He can get them from the provider. 

5. Tell him you will want him to take a polygraph to verify the veracity of his narrative. 

6. If all this is done. Then he needs to arrange for IC. There should be NO MC until he has done the above and he is in a new job. 

Don't relent. He is going to get mad. Too bad. Show him the divorce petition and tell him he is going to do all the steps above or he can sign the divorce petition. You don't need grief in your life. You've had enough.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Here is my "tough love" for you...you only know the tip of the iceberg.

He cheated and lied to you while you were in the time of your lives where you should be closest.

I was married for 23 years, and deeply in love. That doesn't mean my exWW was in love with me.

You are giving him the benefit of the doubt, and he is obviously lying.

I would read all of the TAM posts about being in false "R", being in limbo, and about "trickle truth." 

Sorry Sammy, but the deck has been stacked against you. I was raised in a very religious culture. It is so hard to face D, but the vows were broken by him, not you.

I know this comes off as biased, since I was betrayed too. Take the time you need to investigate, ponder, study, and make a good choice for yourself. Realize that R is possible, but not likely.

Hope it is a nice sunny day where you live. Being in the spring sun makes these problems a little less dark.


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

Sammy, many here understand your situation and will provide good advice. Unfortunately, your husband has been a lying, deceptive cheater and has some serious personal issues that he will need professional help fixing assuming he wants to be fixed. The road ahead will be rocky but if you look after yourself and take no blame for what your husband has done you will get through this.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. In most cases I would hope for an R for at least the sake of the kids but it sounds like this is too deep and too damaged

Why would someone send you a copy of a DVD of your H getting busy with them.

You need to protect yourself and your kids first of all. Did you expose the A to family and friends? If not that is first and it happens today. Tell your kids what is going on but be age apropriate. 

File for D get to a lawyer first. Then call the dr and make an appt. for an STD check. Also let the Dr know what is going on blood pressure, sleep, eating. You need to be strong for the kids.

This will be the hard part do not talk with him unless it is about the kids or bills. Tell him as soon as he leaves the job you can talk about other things but not until then.

Find and IC for yourself. You need to be strong for your kids


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This guy can't be trusted and he's proved that repeatedly. It doesn't matter what he says because he's a serial liar. He is devoid of any real "remorse". If you hadn't received the DVD, he'd still be doing his thing. The alleged 3 days "partying with friends" was likely 3 days having sex with some woman. I wouldn't believe him farther than I could throw him. 
Even a good man can make a mistake, but your's makes them repeatedly and has adopted dishonesty as his preferred lifestyle. An habitually dishonest man is as useless as teats on a boar.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

My heart bleeds for you. 

This is why Moses commanded death as the price for infidelity. Adultery destroys lives. Adultery MURDERS people. It hews happiness into ragged pulp and cauterizes families irrevocably. 

We think we're so smart, so sophisticated, concocting these "civilized" laws so that you can do anything you want and escape consequence. This country is devouring itself, chomping and consuming itself... we are circling devastation in a rapidly decaying orbit and I just can't wait until someone wises up and finally suggests what I already know:

People have no fear of God.


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

I am sorry for your situation .... it is hard with a capital H .... I let my x come home after he told me it was over ... and for a while it was good .... nice holiday new kitchen guilt can show it's self in different ways... but the cracks began to open up again TRUST is so hard when once thrown away ..... I nearly drove myself mad was he playing golf or out with a lady.... text would come in late at night and so it began again ...... No one can tell you what to do you live this every day.. but make a plan .... and get up breath in an out every day and it will get better .....


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Just a funny way to make a point...

When I discovered a love letter from my exWW to my best friend, I immediately sent it to his wife. A couple of weeks later, my former friend's wife called me to share her devastation.

Since she (the BW) and I were good friends too, we decided that our cheating spouses should be free to live together. We both laughed, but there was some merit in the idea. I told my exWW that she was free to move in with her AP, and that his wife would be moving in with me. Lol! You should have seen her face! Wife swap! It is amazing how the reality of my proposal slapped her to her senses.

I was already into several months of R when this happened due to her PA with a coworker, so I was detached emotionally by that time.

Just saying that the BH of the OW and you might want to communicate. It might help you realize that there are decent men and women besides the kind that cheat on you.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

just a silly question...but, do you know who sent the DVD?


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## Sammy3115 (Nov 22, 2012)

The advice seems good thank you - especially the 180 which I will do.

We had a full confession evening, and he told me EVERYTHING about the affair and answered all my questions, he found this really hard to do as even he couldn't believe what he's done.

It works out he had been seeing her for 1 year so sex when they went on courses ( 3 courses in the year) and they had been calling texting emailing in-between, and the car oral sex was for the last 3
Months. He confessed he had only called he once after the affair to make sure she doesn't tell me how long it was going ok for and to make sure the stories were straight. He realises now all he needed to do was tell me the truth. 

My heart sank when I heard everything and the extent he had gone to, I'm so disgusted, he said it was just
Someone he could have easy sex with after a drunken night out, he always slept with her when he was drunk and he wouldn't want to otherwise. 

This whole year he has been mentally screwing me, making me out like I was going crazy, playing games, being devious, all of it, but he said it was a double life and he really just couldn't stop until he got caught, I do believe he is remorseful, but this is unforgivable. I have only given snippets of information, it really has been he hardest year of my life : ( . 
He knew I wouldn't take him back after this full confession, and we both agreed its over, he still did beg for another chance. 

But now what the hell do I do, do I start telling family and friends? Make it official so there
No turning back, is it really over? I small part of me doesn't want it to be, but I don't see how we can move on from this,
Counselling didn't work for us. So we need time apart?

Anyone who has been in this sorry awful situation, can advise me?

Also how can I expose this affair at his work? I don't know anyone there... ???? Is this the right thing to do, I find it hard to do things like this.. Should I just let it be... Don't knwo

This women has a few enemies at work, the DVD must have come through there..

Thank u for your all your support. Xxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Too bad you didn't record the confession!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Who shot the video the DVD any idea?

I would expose to friends and family because its better to get out in front of things like this before lies and mistruths get spread.

Exposure at work would be through a letter from you to both the director of HR and his boss, and her boss if you know it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> He swears they never had sex it was only oral,


Newsflash for the Wayward Spouse of Sammy....

****DUH!!!*** Oral IS sex!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sammy3115 said:


> The advice seems good thank you - especially the 180 which I will do.
> 
> We had a full confession evening, and he told me EVERYTHING about the affair and answered all my questions, he found this really hard to do as even he couldn't believe what he's done.
> 
> ...


*
Sammy, she probably sent it to you herself.* You were supposed to kick him out, she'd take him in out of the kindness of her heart. Yeah, right...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi Sammy,

You should expose the affair to anyone and everyone. There is no shame in this. It was your husband's decision.

This is a central part of preventing the affair from continuing or recurring - although they could also take it "underground".

In addition to the exposure, get a voice activated recorder and hide it in his car. If you can, put spying software on his mobile phone - or at the least make him account for each and every text he sends.

Why not give reconciliation a try? It might cost a few months and a little more heartache, but better to know for sure that you don't want to than regret it afterwards.

The time apart thing is more complicated when there are children so take it easy.

Keep posting and take care of yourself.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Sammy,

You are on the right track, and the advice given by everyone is solid.

It is so hard. The "rollercoaster" of emotions will surely follow. It seems most of us go through some moments of success, and moments of anguish.

Glad you are able to share your thoughts and feelings. It is healthy to do so. The part you went through was surely terrible. The mind games, the lying, etc. are just awful.

Now the path will usually follow a time where you might hysterically bond. Things seem to get back to good. It is such a relief to know that you are not crazy, he is apologetic, and life might get back to normal. Sex and love seem to rush back in.

Down the road is where things get bumpy. He will have to continue to do what is right by you. You will need to go through some steps of grief, and questioning.

Prepare your heart for more ugly stuff to happen. We pray that it won't, but it usually does. That is why the 180 stuff is so helpful. It will prepare you for that rollercoaster.

After a few weeks, usually a few months, your heart will change from a sense of disbelief and shock, to a deep sense of how unfair his actions were toward you.

The "why" part is always a big part in the betrayed spouse's mind. It may never be answered. Mine never has been (2.5 years out from d-day, and over a year from being divorced).

Anger happens. Learn to use it for positive change, and don't let it destroy your sense of worth.

Read all you can on the topic. TAM is hands down the best resource.

You will also find out who are your real friends. You will probably learn things about yourself and your belief system that you never understood before.

As hard as this is, try to enjoy the journey. The raw pain will forge you into a better person.


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## Sammy3115 (Nov 22, 2012)

Thank you all... The advice is so good, it's really helped me being on here
I'm not going to lie its a really tough ride at the moment. I have made it clear it's over, bu he's not accepting it, he is willing to do anything to work in our marriage, but I just can't see past what he's done especially as its been a year.

Haas anyone ever got past an long affair and maxed their marriage work? I just can't stop thinking about them being in their hotel room together. I think the only thing I can do is have some distance between us, he comes to see the kids twice a week.

They do say everything in life happens for a reason : ( 

Xxx


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

It is possible to reconcile after what your husband has done to you, although I would say that you need his 100% commitment to this.

This means no trickle truth, no resentment, complete acceptance of what he has done.

The mind movies are a problem; I found that they reduced with a clear sign of commitment.

There are children and this makes an enormous difference. Provided he can give you all of the above, then it might be worth giving it a try.

It can be very, very difficult. Your skin will crawl sometimes and the mind movies will be awful, but perhaps the end result might be worth it - if it works.

If not, it might cost you 6 months to find it won't work. In the grand scheme of things it might just be worth spending that time to know one way or another.

Good luck.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Sammy3115 said:


> Thank you all... The advice is so good, it's really helped me being on here
> I'm not going to lie its a really tough ride at the moment. I have made it clear it's over, bu he's not accepting it, he is willing to do anything to work in our marriage, but I just can't see past what he's done especially as its been a year.
> 
> Haas anyone ever got past an long affair and maxed their marriage work? I just can't stop thinking about them being in their hotel room together. I think the only thing I can do is have some distance between us, he comes to see the kids twice a week.
> ...


It is extremely difficult, and you have to ask yourself whether you feel that it is worth it. When you are in a situation like this, we all act out of despair at the fact that we can't predict what the future will be. If you stay together and find that you can both get past this with much, much effort, it can make your bond stronger, but the chances of that happening are slim. 


You may want to divorce and experience life without him and the hurt of what he did. Then you may be able to see whether after time you and he feel differently. But his pleading right now? No, he may plead however much he wants, but it means nothing if he doesn't fully own up to what he did, and let me tell you, most WS's do NOT understand what they did to you until they have changed, and that just doesn't happen that much.

We all love to think that we can change, adjust, learn, etc. etc, but the sober fact of the matter is that we don't learn, we don't have the power to change nearly as much as we think we do. People are compulsive in their behavior; they convince themselves they've overcome something, changed, taken control of themselves and what-not, and then the next day go back and behave the same way again, and again, and again.

He's trying to convince you he's sorry because he sees that you're ready to leave. Once you're back in the fold and the emergency has passed, who knows how he will act?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry that you are here. He is going to lie, no matter what. You can no longer believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Do you really want to live like that? I know it would be hard with children and all but could you consider divorce. I know being a single mother would suck for a while but

believe it or not, there are hundreds, if not thousands of MEN that are looking for Honest, Non Cheating Wives! Hell, I moved to Germany to find someone to help heal me. I did not know who to trust in the States after my Crash and Burn Divorce. What I am trying to say is, you can end this marriage and start a new life with a better than average chance to find a better husband. Just my2 cents. David


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## Sammy3115 (Nov 22, 2012)

I know you are so right.... Due to our culture our families will not let us part that quickly, and we have had 7 good years together ( taking away the last year).

Investing a few months could do no harm, then re evaluating it, but I know this for sure it will NEVER be the same. 
He is pleading, begging, waiting at my door all the time, constantly texting calling, he looks so stressed and rough when I see him... I show him I'm happy and confident even though I am dying inside. I do believe he has learnt his lesson, there is always going to be a risk he can do it again even though he swears he won't, he says he will never give up on us, but I can't even look at him. 

As he always gives me trickle truth, but claims he has fully confessed now, and the story does make sense now finally!! what I wanted all your advice on, would you meet the mistress? I was thinking maybe I should meet her and get her version, is it just going to hurt me more? She has nothing but lied to me over the phone as he was asking her too... I don't know, I don't want to give her any satisfaction, what have others done in this situation? Is it a wise move? I did text her to say he has fully confessed and she didn't reply 

Xxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Sammy3115 said:


> I know you are so right.... Due to our culture our families will not let us part that quickly, and we have had 7 good years together ( taking away the last year).
> 
> Investing a few months could do no harm, then re evaluating it, but I know this for sure it will NEVER be the same.
> He is pleading, begging, waiting at my door all the time, constantly texting calling, he looks so stressed and rough when I see him... I show him I'm happy and confident even though I am dying inside. I do believe he has learnt his lesson, there is always going to be a risk he can do it again even though he swears he won't, he says he will never give up on us, but I can't even look at him.
> ...



So your thinking of letting her lie to you in person.

Don't bother. You can't trust anything she'll say and it'll only get you more upset.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Sammy3115 said:


> I know you are so right.... Due to our culture our families will not let us part that quickly, and we have had 7 good years together ( taking away the last year).
> 
> Investing a few months could do no harm, then re evaluating it, but I know this for sure it will NEVER be the same.
> He is pleading, begging, waiting at my door all the time, constantly texting calling, he looks so stressed and rough when I see him... I show him I'm happy and confident even though I am dying inside. I do believe he has learnt his lesson, there is always going to be a risk he can do it again even though he swears he won't, he says he will never give up on us, but I can't even look at him.
> ...


Hi,

I don't think meeting the mistress is wise on any level - unless it is in a non physical confrontation. She will lie to you. She has an agenda. She may try to hurt you emotionally and, believe me, she has the power to do so.

I only ever contacted the OM when I was in complete control and needed nothing from him. That did make me feel better - but only because I made darn sure it made him feel worse.

Focus on you and your husband. Make sure the OW's partner knows and leave it at that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sammy3115 said:


> I know you are so right.... Due to our culture our families will not let us part that quickly, and we have had 7 good years together ( taking away the last year).
> 
> Investing a few months could do no harm, then re evaluating it, but I know this for sure it will NEVER be the same.
> He is pleading, begging, waiting at my door all the time, constantly texting calling, he looks so stressed and rough when I see him... I show him I'm happy and confident even though I am dying inside. I do believe he has learnt his lesson, there is always going to be a risk he can do it again even though he swears he won't, he says he will never give up on us, but I can't even look at him.
> ...


What culture is it? I am asking because it is obviously an important thing and advice might be different, depending on the cultural context.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

1)
Expose affair to family and friends and to husbands/bf of OW. This isn't for you or to give him shame, this puts pressure on him straightening out and avoiding future contact.

2)
He changes jobs or departments and writes a NC letter to this OW.

3) 
He becomes transparent. No passwords on phones, he gives you all passwords to emails, no FB, no going out with friends, all privileges lost forever unless you are there with him! All friends that exacerbated the situation are gone!

4)
Ask him to write a timeline of his affairs and every incident to the best of his knowledge. 

5)
Ask him if he is willing to take a polygraph test.



You consider RECONCILING only if the conditions are met. If not, don't waste your time and tell him you are moving on, you don't need him. He can feed his ego, his ephemeral pleasures if he wishes. He must choose and if he takes too long to choose you (more than 3 seconds) then you know where his heart is and it is FAR FAR FROM being with you, obviously.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I am a fan of Chapparals posts, here is one from earlier today.



> Print this post from a woman like her and ask he to read it .
> 
> Before you decide to leave. Read my story
> 
> ...


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

Sammy3115 said:


> I know you are so right.... Due to our culture our families will not let us part that quickly, and we have had 7 good years together ( taking away the last year).
> 
> Investing a few months could do no harm, then re evaluating it, but I know this for sure it will NEVER be the same.
> He is pleading, begging, waiting at my door all the time, constantly texting calling, he looks so stressed and rough when I see him... I show him I'm happy and confident even though I am dying inside. I do believe he has learnt his lesson, there is always going to be a risk he can do it again even though he swears he won't, he says he will never give up on us, but I can't even look at him.
> ...


No No No dont meet the Mistress.. I had a chance encounter with my husbands ..... Thought i was going to die on the spot.... she was a very confident woman I was not at the time..... anyway should add this was after he come back and gone again yes to her ..... he told me he loved me and the children and wanted to look forward to the future as we had planned ........He could not do it she has a hold over him .... what it is I dont know..... She told me that she always knew he would be her's in the end ...... That they had first met when our oldest child was 4 he is 31 now She has never married and has no children or has never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months has been waiting for him to realise she is his future ... All this meeting has done is make me wonder what over the years has been real question every event every time he has been away on business their have been 100's .....over 35 years.... recently found a load of photographs of a event we had been to there were loads of group photo's you know the kind you take everyone holding up glasses round the dinner table.... who is sitting in the background at the bar.... guess who.... see nothing but hurt hurt hurt.... took me back months in the recovery process and she was never going to answer any questions I might have had.... Better to let it all go and look forward ..... look in mirror every morning and say to yourself I am a good person and there is someone out there who will love me unconditionally..... because guess what that is what real love is.......

I have found it and so will you.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife very kindly introduced me to her lover. The fact that he was so bloody ordinary threw me, to be honest.

Later that day she could see I was hurting really badly. She asked me what was wrong? I said "You just introduced me to your lover."

She looked at me, hugged me and said: "That was insensitive of me, wasn't it? I didn't mean to rub your nose in it. I was just trying to be open and honest."

So, no; don't meet the lover. 

We reconciled, but meeting him made me feel so f***ing miserable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> My wife very kindly introduced me to her lover. The fact that he was so bloody ordinary threw me, to be honest.
> 
> Later that day she could see I was hurting really badly. She asked me what was wrong? I said "You just introduced me to your lover."
> 
> ...


That 's very harsh..... I had been attending event,s for years where this woman had been ... she play's golf and my x is a keen golfer and many of the social event's we attended were with the "golfing " crowd ... asked one of the wives if she knew my x was seeing her she told me No but when it all came out her husband said he thought something was going on .... The wives in this circle have remained my friends ... they send his new lady to Coventry ( British term means never talk to her)when they attend event's there is enough of then to pull this off and they enjoy watching her wiggle on the line... 

Having said all that my new man was our best man at our wedding and the godfather of our oldest child ... Not intentional just happen and no we never hooked up until way way after my x left.... 

But must say the fact he own's 3 houses 2 flats and a 28 foot yacht certainly doe's not hurt... while x lives in her little house and just had to buy a second hand car ..... No I did not fleece him for every penny just half and after 4 children and 35 years of my life devoted to him think he was lucky... he has a younger model who now actually a bigger dress size than me and is ordinary seems odd you expect a super model at least ... ..... No new man doe's not support me ... I pay my way it took all I had to gain this independence and I will never compromise my life for a man ever again .... My life my way... guess I'm a late bloomer see life not over at 54 just fun exciting sorry I digress ......


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## Sammy3115 (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm holding back so hard, I know it's not the right thing to do, I have a feeling she will hurt me allot more, but there are always two sides to a story, it just makes me wonder how he actually was with her, he said he was jus using her for easy sex as was going through a crazy moment I his life ( really out of character for him ,) he said he manipulated her to get her into bed, and told her what she wanted to hear, he also adds that she was obsessed with him and really hurt that he broke it off, ( that's why she stated texting me) but he did say to her it was only "sex"
Nothing more. 

I think the hardest thing for me is letting go of the thoughts of them together in the hotel room, what passionate sex they must have had, he did say they were dunk on 90% of the time. I wish I could get these images out of my head, especially as we had lots of weekends away and they were special to me.

Also I have had a random number text me saying that he has been sleeping around for 5 years ( I'm sure it's her as she only has my number) but I've asked for proof, ie dates, names etc and she can't give me it, she only mentions one Xmas party which he did go but swears nothing happened. But now my mind wonders if its true or not, he swears it's not, and I think I would have noticed but I'm not sure. 

Thank you all for your stories and advice it's do helpful, I don't know what I old have done without this site. Xxx


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## Annie 54 (Mar 24, 2013)

Sammy3115 said:


> I'm holding back so hard, I know it's not the right thing to do, I have a feeling she will hurt me allot more, but there are always two sides to a story, it just makes me wonder how he actually was with her, he said he was jus using her for easy sex as was going through a crazy moment I his life ( really out of character for him ,) he said he manipulated her to get her into bed, and told her what she wanted to hear, he also adds that she was obsessed with him and really hurt that he broke it off, ( that's why she stated texting me) but he did say to her it was only "sex"
> Nothing more.
> 
> I think the hardest thing for me is letting go of the thoughts of them together in the hotel room, what passionate sex they must have had, he did say they were dunk on 90% of the time. I wish I could get these images out of my head, especially as we had lots of weekends away and they were special to me.
> ...


Letting go is the hardest thing ... a friend told me that there is stages to go through and she is right first you just want them back think you can put up with anything as long as you have then in your bed life .... Wrong ... then when they leave your focus all the hurt and pain on the mistress or guy they have left you for want to do them physical hurt trash their car anything to feel better .... then you start to hate your x for what they have done and what they have put you through.... then something changes cant tell you when this will happen and you wake up one day ready to go forward ..... then something remarkable happens when you are in your x company or need to phone see then for what ever reason you feel nothing no pain no hate just indifference be thank full what you had and more on...... 

it's wonderful..... peace inside and happiness in your heart..

be strong be true to your inner feelings and above all be happy....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Annie 54 said:


> That 's very harsh..... I had been attending event,s for years where this woman had been ... she play's golf and my x is a keen golfer and many of the social event's we attended were with the "golfing " crowd ... asked one of the wives if she knew my x was seeing her she told me No but when it all came out her husband said he thought something was going on .... The wives in this circle have remained my friends ... they send his new lady to Coventry ( British term means never talk to her)when they attend event's there is enough of then to pull this off and they enjoy watching her wiggle on the line...
> 
> Having said all that my new man was our best man at our wedding and the godfather of our oldest child ... Not intentional just happen and no we never hooked up until way way after my x left....
> 
> But must say the fact he own's 3 houses 2 flats and a 28 foot yacht certainly doe's not hurt... while x lives in her little house and just had to buy a second hand car ..... No I did not fleece him for every penny just half and after 4 children and 35 years of my life devoted to him think he was lucky... he has a younger model who now actually a bigger dress size than me and is ordinary seems odd you expect a super model at least ... ..... No new man doe's not support me ... I pay my way it took all I had to gain this independence and I will never compromise my life for a man ever again .... My life my way... guess I'm a late bloomer see life not over at 54 just fun exciting sorry I digress ......


But she had told me in advance that she was going to have the affair (it was a former lover of hers) so the introduction was only to be expected. She is a High Functioning Asperger's so, well, our married life has been very interesting to say the least!


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