# Dealing with insecuritues in new relationships after divorce



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

If you read any of my other posts you know my Wife of 12 years cheated on me and left me for the affair partner, we are divorced and both moved on with our lives, I do not have contact with her other than drop of pick up. Life is good and I really do not have much to complain about, work has gone amazing, formed some strong bonds with new friends, my relationship with the children is good, financially I am in best place I have ever been in even with Alimony payments and I have an Amazing girlfriend who is not only gorgeous on the outside but extremely loving, affectionate, supportive and caring towards me and my children

My problem is for the first time in my life i feel really insecure, I never had jealously issues in my marriage and my wife used to have a lot of guys hit on her and often seemed to enjoy the attention but it did not bother me as I was confident in myself and our relationship that nothing would ever happen(obviously wrong but oh well). My girlfriend and I are both very affectionate, always holding hands, kissing, hugging etc and she contacts me throughout the day, wants to see me all the time and be with me and makes me feel happy and loved. She dated a lot before me and has a lot of guys reach out on Instagram, Facebook and Text to meet up or get back together still and it always worries me, she tells them she has a boyfriend and removes them but it makes me feel insecure, I am financially doing decent not rich by any means but live in a nice house, comfortably pay the bills and have plenty left over to go out and do stuff but a lot of these guys are extremely wealthy, drive high end sports cars, live in wealthy parts of town in luxury apartments or large houses and seem to be very successful, good looking, 6 PAC abs, tall, well dressed and full heads of hair etc and live a luxery lifestyle of fine dining, luxery vacations and constant partying. so when i see them i feel inadequate like I am not quite at there level, I am not the best looking guy just average, bold(shaved head), on the shorter side, have OK body but could be better, have kids so mostly simple life, my fashion sense has always been terrible but she has redone my wardrobe and i get a lot of compliments these days for the way I dress but i still dont feel like I am good enough.

She is very open and honest so I do trust her, she will message me and tell me constantly how she feels like this is the first time she has ever been in love, she has never felt this happy in a relationship, never trusted anyone like she trusts me and really see's a future, she told me she loves sex with me and when I mentioned my lack of abs she told me that would just be a bonus and she just likes being with me so it doesn't matter, I had looked into a hair transplant prior to meeting her and mentioned it when I had got quotes and she told me to not waste money as I look good with a closely shaven head so I do not have any reasons to be insecure other than my own feelings of not feeling good enough for her and the fact she could jump into a relationship with any of these guys at any time without issue.

I know there is a lot of knowledge on this forum so hoping some people can offer some ways of getting back my confidence, regaining trust in people and not messing up this relationship with jealousy and insecurity issues.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Those guys did not have what she wanted...you do.

My second/current husband could have written your post. I have those types hitting on me frequently too. I didnt want them back then, and I still don’t. 

Enjoy it, she’s in love with you dude!


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Those guys did not have what she wanted...you do.
> 
> My second/current husband could have written your post. I have those types hitting on me frequently too. I didnt want them back then, and I still don’t.
> 
> Enjoy it, she’s in love with you dude!


Thanks @Spicy i am really trying hard to just accept it and run with it and not make it an issue but i just cannot hide the fact it bothers me!!! Maybe my self confidence is still low from the affair/divorce and will pass over time i just dont want it to mess things up and I come across as insecure or needy.

I just feel like things are too good and maybe she is too good for me also, to me she seems to be the perfect package literally everything i wanted in a person and a relationship and just seems too easy how it all happened like this.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

You're probably struggling with some PTSD as a result of your wife's infidelity. 

Might be helpful to go through some of the history with a competent therapist if you can find one. 

Also go to the gym and get those abs up to speed, think of it as "reinforcement".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It is hard to get back any trust. Took me sometime. Your GF from your description likes/loves the living hell out of you. Dude, she picked out your wardrobe because she likes to see you dressed in a way that is pleasing to her. Further, she perhaps is showing you off to others. Enjoy it. Reciprocate. Spend all the time together you can.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You'll never get your innocence back, but you can remind yourself that just because people can screw you over doesn't mean they will. It sounds like this woman is really into you. Enjoy it. Don't borrow trouble. If you start to see red flags, be concerned. Otherwise, just be happy.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Look MF, your looking at the glass half empty instead of half full, none of us have everything, looks, money, body, a perfect life, and i for one would never look for that in another, I want someone who wants to be with me, and I them, someone who appreciates the simple act of holding hands, of kissing or to just enjoy a perfect sunset with a glass of wine and dreams. You may never be them but would you really want too, don't you just want to be the best version of yourself? After all that is who she wants.....lastly you can't know the future whether the both of you will be together or not whose to say, but you can enjoy the now, and the now sound wonderful, savory it, allow it to blossom slowly and just appreciate each other....remember most of those other guys are look for accessories for the most part, your looking and offering more and that in itself has so much value.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> You're probably struggling with some PTSD as a result of your wife's infidelity.
> 
> Might be helpful to go through some of the history with a competent therapist if you can find one.
> 
> Also go to the gym and get those abs up to speed, think of it as "reinforcement".





Yeswecan said:


> It is hard to get back any trust. Took me sometime. Your GF from your description likes/loves the living hell out of you. Dude, she picked out your wardrobe because she likes to see you dressed in a way that is pleasing to her. Further, she perhaps is showing you off to others. Enjoy it. Reciprocate. Spend all the time together you can.


Thanks guys i really appreciate the support, I did not realize how much my confidence and self worth had taken a hit I think I faked confidence or tried to pretend it did not affect me but for sure it has in a huge way. She was also cheated on by her X and is jealous and worries about me cheating LOL I look at her and think is she crazy!!!! 

She is great which is why I really dont want to mess it up with my bull****!! Its not like I am constantly a whining pathetic mess the majority of the time i am great and dont worry and feel good but i just have moments here and there when I worry and probably sound insecure which i know is a major turn off and relationship killer. This relationship is so different to what I had with my X its how relationships should be, she makes me a better person, encourages me to work out more, eat healthier, have more fun, get out more, makes me happy, there is no walking on egg shells, she says what she means, she is really appreciative and she goes out her way to let me know that. Maybe the majority of relationships are like this and I just never realized?????

I am going to put more effort into working out a little harder, since I have nice clothes already may as well get the body to go with it and maybe confidence will grow from just improving myself all around. I have done a lot of reading online about how to deal and get past insecurities in a relationship but didn't find much useful.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> You'll never get your innocence back, but you can remind yourself that just because people can screw you over doesn't mean they will. It sounds like this woman is really into you. *Enjoy it*. Don't borrow trouble. If you start to see red flags, be concerned. Otherwise, *just be happy*.


That is what I am trying to do, just enjoy it and be happy not let these outside influences in but think i need more time.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Look MF, your looking at the glass half empty instead of half full, none of us have everything, looks, money, body, a perfect life, and i for one would never look for that in another, I want someone who wants to be with me, and I them, someone who appreciates the simple act of holding hands, of kissing or to just enjoy a perfect sunset with a glass of wine and dreams. You may never be them but would you really want too, don't you just want to be the best version of yourself? After all that is who she wants.....lastly you can't know the future whether the both of you will be together or not whose to say, but you can enjoy the now, and the now sound wonderful, savory it, allow it to blossom slowly and just appreciate each other....remember *most of those other guys are look for accessories for the most part, your looking and offering more and that in itself has so much value*.


She pretty much told me this but not in exact words!!! She told me those guys never wanted to be exclusive, spend enough time together or offer a future, she told me all she has wanted is love and family and feels like we are supposed to be together. I don't know maybe i am just selling myself short but it just seems she could have her pick of anyone, she is gorgeous, exotic looking, MBA, good resume and career, amazing body, fluent in 3 languages, very well traveled and just a great and fun person to be around so I often wonder how I got lucky, maybe its a gift from god for putting up with my XW for so long :wink2::wink2::wink2:


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> Thanks @Spicy i am really trying hard to just accept it and run with it and not make it an issue but i just cannot hide the fact it bothers me!!! Maybe my self confidence is still low from the affair/divorce and will pass over time i just dont want it to mess things up and I come across as insecure or needy.
> 
> I just feel like things are too good and maybe she is too good for me also, to me she seems to be the perfect package literally everything i wanted in a person and a relationship and just seems too easy how it all happened like this.


I was the guy who warned you in a different thread not to fall in love with this girl because you mentioned she normally dated Ferrari driving millionaires.I have no problem admitting I was wrong because she seems to be really into you.
I was speaking from experience in the other thread because until I met my girlfriend I was one of these wealthy guys,with the six pack and the expensive sports cars and the Manhattan penthouse who would call up hot girls and take them out all the time.But I got tired of that life and I’m fairly certain your gf has too.
Take this relationship slowly but do not let your insecurities push her away.
And stop putting yourself down,you have said before that your ex was very attractive and now you have someone even more beautiful.
Don’t screw it up!


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I was the guy who warned you in a different thread not to fall in love with this girl because you mentioned she normally dated Ferrari driving millionaires.I have no problem admitting I was wrong because she seems to be really into you.
> I was speaking from experience in the other thread because until I met my girlfriend I was one of these wealthy guys,with the six pack and the expensive sports cars and the Manhattan penthouse who would call up hot girls and take them out all the time.But I got tired of that life and I’m fairly certain your gf has too.
> Take this relationship slowly but do not let your insecurities push her away.
> And stop putting yourself down,you have said before that your ex was very attractive and now you have someone even more beautiful.
> Don’t screw it up!


Yes I remember @Andy1001 and I took it all in, we just ended up spending so much time together it all kept progressing. She was way more into me once she opened up and I kept back a little as to not be too emotionally involved but ended up falling for her. I am happy and great 90% of the time just wish i could get back to 100%.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MF,

Then be proactive.

When guys text or whatever her, take the communication and send it to their girlfriends, wives or SO. 

"Sorry to break the news but your boyfriend is trolling for someone new, this is what he sent my girlfriend" Thanks MF "ps heres the numbers for a PI and polygraph."

Tamat


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> MF,
> 
> Then be proactive.
> 
> ...


I think there mostly single guys. She shuts it down usually.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One quick point -- you need to be happy with YOU. NOT for your GF, kids, ex, etc. -- just for YOU. Don't become too co-dependent on your GF. Honestly, she sounds great. Have that drive you to be the best YOU can be for your OWN sake, NOT just hers. If you are happy, you will project that confidence and calmness which will REALLY drive her crazy!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Think of it like this.

After what you went through you are wiser and smarter now. You've been through a lot and are able to handle anything. The only one holding you back now is yourself.

What you are is called "genuine". Most don't have that.

Reflect back. When your WW walked out you thought it was the end of the world. It was far from it.

You'll do and come out fine no matter what happens.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MF,

You wrote, I think there mostly single guys. She shuts it down usually, 

How do these guys get her contact info.

At the very least you should know who they are.

A line in the sand is that the initial innocent stages where an OM gets a start with your SO will be responded to.

Tamat


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Don't sweat it man.......If it is meant to be.....it will be! Just enjoy the experience.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Youŕ the man!

Just keep on being the man!


Nice that your in a good place. Rejoice and be thankfull.
Give your girl friend a foot massage and tell her your gratefull to be with her!

You lucky dog!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IT sounds as if this relationship is pretty new so don't expect too much too soon. Trust takes a long time to build when you have been hurt. My second husband is a very good man, trustworthy and honest, but we had both been very hurt and had lots of baggage when we met. Fortunately our relationship was very strong from the start, and we got though those early issues, including step children ,exes, baggage, distrust etc and came out stronger. That was nearly 13 years ago and we have been happily married for 12 years now. 
BTW not all women are attracted to that sort of shallow man as you describe, I cant think of anything worse myself. If she was swayed by them at some point, then she wouldn't be the one for you anyway.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> MF,
> 
> You wrote, I think there mostly single guys. She shuts it down usually,
> 
> ...


Through Facebook messenger or some had her number prior so just reached back out.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Think of it like this.
> 
> After what you went through you are wiser and smarter now. You've been through a lot and are able to handle anything. The only one holding you back now is yourself.
> 
> ...


Thanks @Marc878.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I somewhat do hope your g/f notices all these guys hitting on her,

AFTER they stopped dating. Funny how people suddenly like you more

when you're taken. You have to keep in mind MF.... you just might

be a helluva catch yourself. From your / her description of these guys....

they want arm candy, and a piece of tail. I'm quite certain she knows how

to shut that down quick. Most females do...... if not, they end up like my 1st love. 

I had posted on your other new thread and somehow it went *poof* All I 

said was just review your threads from a year ago. My comments, I stand 

behind them, as would almost every other poster. You gave her "what she 

wanted." Yes it could have been much more amicable.... but it takes two

to make it that. She got what she wanted, now she don't like it.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM.....


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Chuck71 said:


> I somewhat do hope your g/f notices all these guys hitting on her,
> 
> AFTER they stopped dating. Funny how people suddenly like you more
> 
> ...


Yes she tells me she is not sure what it is but she just feels good in my presence like its just natural and it is where she should be. For me in this instance I do not know if it is her, her past or my past or a mixture of both! I just know I am much more Jealous and insecure than I was when I was married to my XW and look what happened LOL.

I love your quotes by the way, I just noticed them.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. 
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past -


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Hi everyone, wanted to pick this thread back up versus starting a new one as its basically the same and lingering issue.

When does the fear and pain and insecurity from being cheated on and having trust broken ever go away?

I understand everyone is different and you cant put old hurt on new relationship but its still there, I still dread the thought of trusting and having it broken again, I still find it hard to really truly believe that its real, my confidence in maintaining a relationship is not there anymore or i cant completely trust i am not just a stepping stone or being used until a better offer comes along. 

Its just me and in the back of my mind I just cant see forever with anyone ever again, after my XW cheated and bailed out so fast and at the time I was blindsided by it all and just did not see it coming, i had planned my entire future with her and in the blink of an eye it as gone as was my retirement and savings etc. 

Just to clarify my girlfriend is awesome, she wants to spend all her time with me, sex life is great and frequent and we are like best friends hanging out which is amazing and i can see a future with her, she looks after me, is good to me, builds me up, betters me and makes life so fun. The issue is just me letting the past linger and maybe just being scared.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

MF, only you get to pick how dealing with infidelity will affect you for the rest of your life. You can let it hold you back or be something you learn from and use to select a better partner. It does change a person and their perspective though, and that may not be all bad. What it is that you fear about marriage or is it that despite how awesome your GF is you just intuitively know she's not someone you would want to marry? 

BTW, I'm in the not marrying camp solely because it just doesn't make logistical sense to an analytical/non-emotional thinker in my situation.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> MF, only you get to pick how dealing with infidelity will affect you for the rest of your life. You can let it hold you back or be something you learn from and use to select a better partner. It does change a person and their perspective though, and that may not be all bad. What it is that you fear about marriage or is it that despite how awesome your GF is you just intuitively know she's not someone you would want to marry?
> 
> BTW, I'm in the not marrying camp solely because it just doesn't make logistical sense to an analytical/non-emotional thinker in my situation.


It is not fear of marriage or anything to do with my girlfriend it is I just a mental block I have, I fear fully trusting and planning a future with anyone as I never want to feel what I felt during my Divorce. 

Still not figured out what was the worst aspect of Divorce, I mean financially it was tough, being legally and financially tied together and having to split assets and stuck until a judge does that was very hard but also avoidable if i was to remarry ever, prenup would resolve all those issues and ensure we split a bank account and move on fast without issue and having to deal with them for months. 

Its the lost past which hurts the most, every memory I have over the last 12 years is tainted, I cant enjoy pics of vacations or family outings as the family doesn't exist anymore, I cant laugh, reminisce or enjoy past experiences as they involved someone who I really dislike and want nothing to do with, I cannot even look back on the kids growing up or their births which is terrible as it involves my XW i have had to remove the past from my mind. I fear spending 10 years with someone else for it to end how the last one did them my entire 20-40's would be gone and I do not want to lose anymore time in my life story.

It sounds ridiculous when I write it out but its just how my mind is working


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MovingForward said:


> It is not fear of marriage or anything to do with my girlfriend it is I just a mental block I have, I fear fully trusting and planning a future with anyone as I never want to feel what I felt during my Divorce.
> 
> Still not figured out what was the worst aspect of Divorce, I mean financially it was tough, being legally and financially tied together and having to split assets and stuck until a judge does that was very hard but also avoidable if i was to remarry ever, prenup would resolve all those issues and ensure we split a bank account and move on fast without issue and having to deal with them for months.
> 
> ...


Oh the irony in your forum name when everything you just said is about looking back.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

MF, divorce shouldn't change those memories. If they were good at the time then they should still be good afterwards. Just now the "intact" family memories have an end point. My kids still ask me stories about my XW from before they were born and we laugh about some of the good family times we had before the divorce. We have moved forward though and now share good times together as a family that doesn't have my XW as part of our communal story. Instead we have "man time" and the kids and I enjoy each other in a different dynamic. 

I think your fear of marriage is because you aren't over your past relationship and its ghost is still haunting you. After you eventually leave that in the past you might feel differently about marriage. There are times when I miss being married and having the companionship 24/7. But then there are other times where I enjoy the single life with all of it's benefits such as the freedom I get, the wild sex, and the individual identity instead of being part of a unit. They were both good times, just different experiences. Can you change to focusing on the positives instead of the negatives? That would do wonders for helping you through this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> When does the fear and pain and insecurity from being cheated on and having trust broken ever go away?


Why would you want it to go away?

If those things go away.....you go with them. 

The past is the foundation of your present and your' future.
Without a past....you do not exist.

The past opened eyes that were closed.
Broke a heart that was open.

Your new heart is case-hardened.
Yet, remains warm, soft and wary.
It beats for you. 
So, it seems, does hers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> Hi everyone, wanted to pick this thread back up versus starting a new one as its basically the same and lingering issue.
> 
> When does the fear and pain and insecurity from being cheated on and having trust broken ever go away?
> 
> ...


For me it was 4 years before I felt anywhere near emotionally ready for another relationship, and even after 6 years when I met my now husband I still struggled in some ways. However I never hesitated about marrying again and living together wasn't an option anyway. 
In my opinion many jump far too soon into a new relationship. I am not into pre-nups or having separate bank accounts, if I felt the need to do that I wouldn't be with anyone else.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> MF, divorce shouldn't change those memories. If they were good at the time then they should still be good afterwards. Just now the "intact" family memories have an end point. My kids still ask me stories about my XW from before they were born and we laugh about some of the good family times we had before the divorce. We have moved forward though and now share good times together as a family that doesn't have my XW as part of our communal story. Instead we have "man time" and the kids and I enjoy each other in a different dynamic.
> 
> I think your fear of marriage is because you aren't over your past relationship and its ghost is still haunting you. After you eventually leave that in the past you might feel differently about marriage. There are times when I miss being married and having the companionship 24/7. But then there are other times where I enjoy the single life with all of it's benefits such as the freedom I get, the wild sex, and the individual identity instead of being part of a unit. They were both good times, just different experiences. Can you change to focusing on the positives instead of the negatives? That would do wonders for helping you through this.


I cant change my mindset it just deleted it all the memories are locked up and dont want them out. 

I really dont fear marriage I love being in a relationship with my GF and cant find any reason to not be with her, it the fear of her leaving or spending years together and building a life and it just disappearing again. 

I'm not sure what i am even saying to be honest, just dread another break up or cheating situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> I cant change my mindset it just deleted it all the memories are locked up and dont want them out.
> 
> I really dont fear marriage I love being in a relationship with my GF and cant find any reason to not be with her, it the fear of her leaving or spending years together and building a life and it just disappearing again.
> 
> I'm not sure what i am even saying to be honest, just dread another break up or cheating situation.


Keep those insecurities to yourself.

Lest they inspire, become reality.

Women love strength, kindness, fidelity, honesty and a happy man.

Be those things....
Those things are your only hope.

Your real strength in adversity.

What else can you do?
Hmmm?

We wish you the best.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> For me it was 4 years before I felt anywhere near emotionally ready for another relationship, and even after 6 years when I met my now husband I still struggled in some ways. However I never hesitated about marrying again and living together wasn't an option anyway.
> In my opinion many jump far too soon into a new relationship. I am not into pre-nups or having separate bank accounts, if I felt the need to do that I wouldn't be with anyone else.


I did not plan on jumping into a relationship, I met a few girls to go on dates with and mostly was missing sex but enjoying freedom. Something just clicked when i met my current girlfriend and we were both very hesitant and closed off but felt something that we wanted to keep seeing each other and things just developed, we are like best friends and I feel we balance each other out. 

For me a prenup is a must, marriage is just too risky without, I cannot afford to re buy my house for a third time, start my 401k again and still live the life i want to live. For me it is just an insurance policy you have it just in case but hope you never use or need.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

MF - let me ask you a question. Do you own and drive a car?

You do? Why? Don't you know that the car may not start? You could run out of gas. Someone might steal it. You could be hit by a drunk driver. All of these terrible things might happen. So please tell me you don't drive. If you own a car, you get rid of it right?

MF I don't think you have ever fully processed your divorce and the loss of your wife. For you it's been really bad since your family is all in the UK and you have had no one to lean on. You still need some counseling on this issue to help you process your past or you will forever self sabotage your life. Go and schedule some more counseling with a strong male counselor who will hold your feet to the fire.

You can do this. Your girlfriend thinks you're worth it.

Don't you think you're worth it?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Absurdist said:


> MF - let me ask you a question. Do you own and drive a car?
> 
> You do? Why? Don't you know that the car may not start? You could run out of gas. Someone might steal it. You could be hit by a drunk driver. All of these terrible things might happen. So please tell me you don't drive. If you own a car, you get rid of it right?
> 
> ...


I think you are a right about the counseling, self confidence took a big hit, in some areas I feel confident, meeting girls, making friends, earning money etc I just feel like a stepping stone still good enough and comfortable for someone to put up with until a better option comes along.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> I cant change my mindset it just deleted it all the memories are locked up and dont want them out.
> 
> I really dont fear marriage I love being in a relationship with my GF and cant find any reason to not be with her, it the fear of her leaving or spending years together and building a life and it just disappearing again.
> 
> I'm not sure what i am even saying to be honest, just dread another break up or cheating situation.


While I understand that you are afraid, (we were both very hurt by our previous spouses after long first marriages), if you don't take any risks in life you will loose out on so much. You can either build up a wall of protection around you and keep everyone at arms length, or you can take a risk and potentially have a really good and long and happy marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> I did not plan on jumping into a relationship, I met a few girls to go on dates with and mostly was missing sex but enjoying freedom. Something just clicked when i met my current girlfriend and we were both very hesitant and closed off but felt something that we wanted to keep seeing each other and things just developed, we are like best friends and I feel we balance each other out.
> 
> For me a prenup is a must, marriage is just too risky without, I cannot afford to re buy my house for a third time, start my 401k again and still live the life i want to live. For me it is just an insurance policy you have it just in case but hope you never use or need.


For me marriage means sharing everything. The thought of planning for a divorce before I have even got married isn't something I would want to do. If I think I need a pre-nup, then I am clearly marrying the wrong person.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> You'll never get your innocence back, but you can remind yourself that just because people can screw you over doesn't mean they will. It sounds like this woman is really into you. Enjoy it. Don't borrow trouble. If you start to see red flags, be concerned. Otherwise, just be happy.


Here is the thing... You are probably not fully healed from your Ex and what she did to you. And, even though you divorced and have moved on it takes a while to trust. 

Like @MJJEAN says don't borrow trouble, so don't. 

Now, you should be much wise after living through something like that. Think about it like this, if a woman wants to be with you, she will be. And if she does not, there are literally thousands that will. 

If she turns out not to be the one, oh well, the one may be out there waiting. 

You have to know your worth as a man, and you have to live that. Don't give your heart away too easily, but you know, don't hold back too much. 

This girl sounds like she is doing the right things, just be open and honest. 

And the thing that you have to remember is when someone cheats on you, it is never about you, it is about them...


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> For me marriage means sharing everything. The thought of planning for a divorce before I have even got married isn't something I would want to do. If I think I need a pre-nup, then I am clearly marrying the wrong person.


I understand your point of view entirely and can see where you are coming from but I do not see it as planning for Divorce personally, Marriage if you remove the emotions and romance behind it is a legal contract.

I have a few hundred thousand $'s in assets and cash and retirement, by agreeing to marry without prenup I am effectively giving away a couple hundred thousand $'s to someone on a promise that they will be faithful and love me and we spend our lives together, I live in a no fault state so divorce only takes about 3 months and requires no reason, the higher earner can be forced to pay legal fee's on both sides also so by having a prenup for 'certain' assets i would bring into a marriage I am eliminating ever being dragged through court, being forced to sell my house(I have 2 children half the time live with me) and ensuring I am able to retire one day. It simply means we split joint assets we accrued during marriage.

I have also set up a trust so all assets are in a trust with my children as beneficiary currently. If i remarry in future I would take additional life insurance and add my future spouse as a beneficiary also to ensure they were looked after if i was to pass unexpectedly. 

I have to protect my children also in remarriage so prenup is as much for them as it is for me. Accidental disinheritance is actually very common. This happened to someone i personally know, their dad had remarried and passed unexpectedly, there were 3 classic cars he had which had been passed from his grandfather and one was for each child, unfortunately he didn't change his will and his children received between them all 3 t shirts and a small box of pictures, his wife doesn't have a relationship with his children from a prior marriage so will now retain all his possessions and pass them to her own children in the future. 

Again I see your point of view but just wanted to explain mine and where i am coming from which is just a different viewpoint, my first marriage was different as we both started out at same time, all assets were accrued during the marriage and the children we had together so in event of death of either or both parents the children would not be kicked out of the home and left penniless. Second marriage I am more established have retained some assets from divorce and accrued new ones and i also have 2 dependents to support outside of me. I would only marry someone if i was confident I wanted to spend the rest of my life together but I cannot control what they do, think or who they may become in the future.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> I understand your point of view entirely and can see where you are coming from but I do not see it as planning for Divorce personally, Marriage if you remove the emotions and romance behind it is a legal contract.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



MF,
You are so much wiser now than when you first posted here. You are right to protect your assets with a prenup. Your GF should understand if she knows how badly you were treated by your XW. Do take out life insurance to protect her if you marry her, but don’t commingle the assets you bring into the relationship with GF.

If you were to die unexpectedly, I assume the “burden” of custody and financial responsibility for your children would go 100% to your XW, and her new husband you said is financially well off. Your GF/future wife would not have to be responsible for your children with your XW. Given how cruel your XW is, it would not surprise me if she went after any assets of yours that you may have intended for GF. Who is the trustee of the trust for your children? It should be someone who can be sure these assets are used for your children’s benefit only. Not sure your XW can be trusted to not spend it on herself or new husbands 4 kids. You should never have to provide another penny to your XW after the way she coldly betrayed you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MovingForward said:


> If you read any of my other posts you know my Wife of 12 years cheated on me and left me for the affair partner, we are divorced and both moved on with our lives, I do not have contact with her other than drop of pick up. Life is good and I really do not have much to complain about, work has gone amazing, formed some strong bonds with new friends, my relationship with the children is good, financially I am in best place I have ever been in even with Alimony payments and I have an Amazing girlfriend who is not only gorgeous on the outside but extremely loving, affectionate, supportive and caring towards me and my children
> 
> My problem is for the first time in my life i feel really insecure, I never had jealously issues in my marriage and my wife used to have a lot of guys hit on her and often seemed to enjoy the attention but it did not bother me as I was confident in myself and our relationship that nothing would ever happen(obviously wrong but oh well). My girlfriend and I are both very affectionate, always holding hands, kissing, hugging etc and she contacts me throughout the day, wants to see me all the time and be with me and makes me feel happy and loved. She dated a lot before me and has a lot of guys reach out on Instagram, Facebook and Text to meet up or get back together still and it always worries me, she tells them she has a boyfriend and removes them but it makes me feel insecure, I am financially doing decent not rich by any means but live in a nice house, comfortably pay the bills and have plenty left over to go out and do stuff but a lot of these guys are extremely wealthy, drive high end sports cars, live in wealthy parts of town in luxury apartments or large houses and seem to be very successful, good looking, 6 PAC abs, tall, well dressed and full heads of hair etc and live a luxery lifestyle of fine dining, luxery vacations and constant partying. so when i see them i feel inadequate like I am not quite at there level, I am not the best looking guy just average, bold(shaved head), on the shorter side, have OK body but could be better, have kids so mostly simple life, my fashion sense has always been terrible but she has redone my wardrobe and i get a lot of compliments these days for the way I dress but i still dont feel like I am good enough.
> 
> ...


*Leave "well enough" alone, my friend!

As is, she's in love with you and you should be "head over heels" in love with her!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> I understand your point of view entirely and can see where you are coming from but I do not see it as planning for Divorce personally, Marriage if you remove the emotions and romance behind it is a legal contract.
> 
> I have a few hundred thousand $'s in assets and cash and retirement, by agreeing to marry without prenup I am effectively giving away a couple hundred thousand $'s to someone on a promise that they will be faithful and love me and we spend our lives together, I live in a no fault state so divorce only takes about 3 months and requires no reason, the higher earner can be forced to pay legal fee's on both sides also so by having a prenup for 'certain' assets i would bring into a marriage I am eliminating ever being dragged through court, being forced to sell my house(I have 2 children half the time live with me) and ensuring I am able to retire one day. It simply means we split joint assets we accrued during marriage.
> 
> ...


Yes I can understand why you are wary, we were both married before as well and let down terribly. When my now husband and I married I had a house and he had more or less nothing(he had let his wife have their home, that's the sort of kind man he is), so I had good reason to protect my assets but that's just not me. I had seen the kind and decent way that he dealt with his ex in their divorce and I knew he was a man of integrity, so I wasn't worried. 
Also for me, marriage means that all belongs to both, otherwise why get married? All that was mine is now his and all that was his is now mine irregardless of who had the most or less on the wedding day.

I think its all about marrying someone who we have seen act decently and fairly with others and who has integrity and good moral values.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Edmund said:


> MF,
> You are so much wiser now than when you first posted here. You are right to protect your assets with a prenup. Your GF should understand if she knows how badly you were treated by your XW. Do take out life insurance to protect her if you marry her, but don’t commingle the assets you bring into the relationship with GF.
> 
> If you were to die unexpectedly, I assume the “burden” of custody and financial responsibility for your children would go 100% to your XW, and her new husband you said is financially well off. Your GF/future wife would not have to be responsible for your children with your XW. Given how cruel your XW is, it would not surprise me if she went after any assets of yours that you may have intended for GF. Who is the trustee of the trust for your children? It should be someone who can be sure these assets are used for your children’s benefit only. Not sure your XW can be trusted to not spend it on herself or new husbands 4 kids. You should never have to provide another penny to your XW after the way she coldly betrayed you.


My sister is the trustee if i die so we are covered. Yes my XW would receive what I owe in Alimony if any and future child support payments up the point of expiration.

I understand about commingling assets, house is in a living trust and trust is title holder, I would have a waiver of rights signed for house and 401k, prenup enforcing it further and be done and hopefully live happily ever after and never worry about it again.

In my heart I really would never want to do this but my head tells me I have to, I already explained to my GF if we married I would need one and she was fine with it, she does not really have any assets in this country but has some in her home country, she has a good career is educated and has a high earning potential.

Prenups just make sense in second + marriages later in life to me.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yes I can understand why you are wary, we were both married before as well and let down terribly. When my now husband and I married I had a house and he had more or less nothing(he had let his wife have their home, that's the sort of kind man he is), so I had good reason to protect my assets but that's just not me. I* had seen the kind and decent way that he dealt with his ex in their divorce and I knew he was a man of integrity, so I wasn't worried. *
> Also for me, marriage means that all belongs to both, otherwise why get married? All that was mine is now his and all that was his is now mine irregardless of who had the most or less on the wedding day.
> 
> I think its all about marrying someone who we have seen act decently and fairly with others and who has integrity and good moral values.


My girlfriend said same about me in dealing with my X. 

I dont trust my own judgement I guess also, I never in a million years thought my XW would do what she did with the affair, lies, with money, legally with threats, with the new man around kids, trying to force new man to be father to kids so fast and telling kids he is their family and a 'step dad' despite not being married, moving in with new man despite being a child of divorce herself and telling me all this during the divorce and how bad it affects kids and talking ill of me to the children for no reason other than to cement the idea she has moved on and they are know a new and happily family and I am just a bitter twisted person who needs to move on!!! She is completely deluded and in a weird fantasy world.

I applaud you for being such a trusting person and wish I could get that back, maybe I am damaged goods though and that part has gone for good, I love my girlfriend and want to plan a future with her but my mind has a block and i can only go in like 90% and feel like i need 10% back as a backup plan in case she leaves. Prior to meeting her I seriously never wanted a relationship again but she is a best friend, companion, lover, hook up, fling, confidant, travel partner, stylist, personal shopper, voice of reason, calming influence and cuddle partner all in one, I never had this with my X so although it has only been 9 months it just gets better and better but still the small block is there and I dont know if it will ever leave.

Self esteem and confidence issues and insecurity are all present and hidden underneath the skin, my x stripped it all away so part of my issue is I cant understand why someone would want to stay with me other than as a part time stepping stone while waiting for something better to come along so nothing feels permanent anymore, if someone cant turn from wife to enemy on you overnight after 12 years, leave and never explain why or give real reason it just makes it hard to fully open up again to someone and believe its forever.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> My sister is the trustee if i die so we are covered. Yes my XW would receive what I owe in Alimony if any and future child support payments up the point of expiration.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I did not realize your GF is from another country. Is it U.K. like you?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Edmund said:


> I did not realize your GF is from another country. Is it U.K. like you?


Nope, she is from a Country located in Eastern European with no extradition treaty with the US:ezpi_wink1::lol:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MovingForward said:


> ... I applaud you for being such a trusting person and wish I could get that back, maybe I am damaged goods though and that part has gone for good, I love my girlfriend and want to plan a future with her but my mind has a block and i can only go in like 90% and feel like i need 10% back as a backup plan in case she leaves. Prior to meeting her I seriously never wanted a relationship again but she is a best friend, companion, lover, hook up, fling, confidant, travel partner, stylist, personal shopper, voice of reason, calming influence and cuddle partner all in one, I never had this with my X so although it has only been 9 months it just gets better and better but still the small block is there and I dont know if it will ever leave.


 @MovingForward, 

May I remind you that you were married to your X for quite a while, and she betrayed you in a momentous way. I say that as someone who has been on these forums for 8 years...and your case was particularly vicious. In addition, you were personally pretty codependent in the marriage and have had some fairly major personal things to work through after the divorce such as learning who you are, learning to stand up for yourself, learning about boundaries, etc. The divorce may have been forced upon you, but you have made TREMENDOUS personal growth and really in a relatively short time. It really hasn't been that long. 

Your GF sounds like a very decent person, and it sounds like she truly cares about you. If you are 90% there...you are 90% there and she won't mind waiting one bit.  I'm a lady in my 50s and I can honestly say that sometimes that foundation of friendship and trust just has to be built first and it takes time! It's okay--you are where you are and she seems content to wait. I don't think it needs to be complicated with worry. 



> Self esteem and confidence issues and insecurity are all present and hidden underneath the skin, my x stripped it all away so part of my issue is *I can't understand why someone would want to stay with me* other than as a part time stepping stone while waiting for something better to come along so nothing feels permanent anymore, if someone cant turn from wife to enemy on you overnight after 12 years, leave and never explain why or give real reason it just makes it hard to fully open up again to someone and believe its forever.


Soooo...speaking as a lady in my 50s, I want to talk to you about the part I bolded above. First, who are the most beautiful, successful women you can think of? Jennifer Anniston? Halle Berry? Jennifer Garner? All three of them are knock out GORGEOUS by Hollywood beauty standards, and all three are successful and rich. There really isn't anything "better" from outward appearances, and yet all three of them were cheated on! So outward attractiveness, success, power, or wealth is not necessarily any guarantee of someone wanting to stay either. 

You want to know what makes me want to stay with someone I love? I don't even talk to someone unless they have captured my interest, and they only capture my interest by being someone peaceful, wise, kind, honest, and funny. It's the INTERIOR--the person inside. And once someone has caught my eye a little bit, I don't stay because I never see anyone better looking or richer... I stay because I took the time to get to know them, to build something together, and I MADE A PROMISE. 

Now my guess, from what you've written, is that your GF is a lady with some integrity--seems like anyway. I bet she does hop from man-to-man. Has she ever done that in her past? Has she used someone for free jewelry and dinners and then just dropped them like a hot potato? If not, then chances are good that's not who she is now unless there's been some major life-changing event. Plus, @MovingForward, even if you look at her character and don't find her lacking (so to speak), this really isn't about her. It's about YOU. YOU don't see your own value. You don't see that you are a completely unique individual of priceless value just because you are YOU. I see it. You are a good man, honest and true as the day is long. You aren't perfect, but who would want that? You can laugh, and forgive, and make a mistake and learn from it and do better. That is SUPER valuable! You have your own little quirks that make you adorable (to your GF). You are not stepping stone to "someone better"--you are the one that people try to get TO. 

I can't generalize for all women my age. Some have friends who give poor advice. Some have messed up values and morals. But many are like me: a regular, nice lady just looking for someone to share life and thoughts and feelings with, who thinks 'I like you--I want to know you more!' That's you, right? You want to know her more! You like her! You are just what she is looking for.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MovingForward said:


> My sister is the trustee if i die so we are covered. Yes my XW would receive what I owe in Alimony if any and future child support payments up the point of expiration.
> 
> I understand about commingling assets, house is in a living trust and trust is title holder, I would have a waiver of rights signed for house and 401k, prenup enforcing it further and be done and hopefully live happily ever after and never worry about it again.
> 
> ...


You know, we wish it was not like this, later in life, I certainly do. But if you look at it logically, what choice do we really have. 

With my newish GF, we have talked about all of this, we have not crunched the numbers, and all of our kids are grown, so it is less complicated than your situation. 

But each of us have gone through things that if we did not protect our kids and their inheritance, we would be complete fools. 

We still have a lot of numbers to crunch, but we probably won't do that until we move in together. 

And while that is the rational thing to do, for us together and individually, it just sucks. We are past the point where we cannot sleep properly if we are not with each other that night. 

But, she wants to teach another year, which I understand, and we don't want to be stupid and move in with each other too soon, and I am redoing my house. 

The complete drag with all of this is, we want to be stupid, throw caution to the wind and just go for it, but we cannot. 

Some where, there have to be adults in the room... I hate being an adult.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> You know, we wish it was not like this, later in life, I certainly do. But if you look at it logically, what choice do we really have.
> 
> With my newish GF, we have talked about all of this, we have not crunched the numbers, and all of our kids are grown, so it is less complicated than your situation.
> 
> ...


I understand completely my girlfriend and i lived almost a hour apart and the days she was not their the kids asked about her and if she was going to come, its crazy to me but the kids did not like to see me alone so they practically moved her in, not sure if I did it correctly but so far everyone is happy and it was a smooth and bump free transition. 

Yes blending families and finances is a daunting task, my girlfriend does not have children but you do have to consider everyone in the situation.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> @MovingForward,
> 
> May I remind you that you were married to your X for quite a while, and she betrayed you in a momentous way. I say that as someone who has been on these forums for 8 years...and your case was particularly vicious. In addition, you were personally pretty codependent in the marriage and have had some fairly major personal things to work through after the divorce such as learning who you are, learning to stand up for yourself, learning about boundaries, etc. The divorce may have been forced upon you, but you have made TREMENDOUS personal growth and really in a relatively short time. It really hasn't been that long.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the kind words and support. Part of the growth was forced and the moving on part made easy by my XW continuing to try and bring me down and make me look bad, made it very easy to get over her so she did me a favor by setting me free.

I just doubt my judge of character and i am sure i will for some time, even with my X i could only see good, i was not at the time capable of seeing flaws.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> Nope, she is from a Country located in Eastern European with no extradition treaty with the US:ezpi_wink1::lol:


OMG that is Russia. Are you sure she is not an SVR agent?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> Thank you for the kind words and support. Part of the growth was forced and the moving on part made easy by my XW continuing to try and bring me down and make me look bad, made it very easy to get over her so she did me a favor by setting me free.
> 
> I just doubt my judge of character and i am sure i will for some time, even with my X i could only see good, i was not at the time capable of seeing flaws.


Oh, yours is a much better view, not seeing flaws, seeing only the good.

I am like you. I see the good in people, play down the bad.

Play it down until it hits me in the nose.

My immediate family see the flaws first, downplays or paints over the good.

*Nobody is good, good enough.
*
Ach, not a good way to live.

Yet, I am forced to look at life through their lens, not do so, through my own.

It wears you down.



TH-


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MovingForward said:


> Thank you for the kind words and support. Part of the growth was forced and the moving on part made easy by my XW continuing to try and bring me down and make me look bad, made it very easy to get over her so she did me a favor by setting me free.
> 
> I just doubt my judge of character and i am sure i will for some time, even with my X i could only see good, i was not at the time capable of seeing flaws.


 @MovingForward, 

I can also identify with this, not so much that I don't see flaws but rather that feeling of doubting your own judgement. I mean after all, from what you could tell, your XW was a good candidate for a spouse and loved you...and yet it seems like none of that was true! 

Here's the thing: part of that may indeed be you and your picker--but I truly believe a larger part of that is that she covered up the truth and deliberately presented something different than what she was. I think it's somewhat reasonable to wonder about your ability to pick up on red flags, etc. but balance that with reminding yourself that you had no reason to disbelieve her (at the time) and she consciously kept her true self hidden and deceived you. Thus it may not be so much that your "judge of character" is off as her ability to deceive is skillful! 

Also I ran across this inspirational image today and it meant something to me...and I thought it may be meaningful to you as well:


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Edmund said:


> OMG that is Russia. Are you sure she is not an SVR agent?


Correct :rofl::rofl:


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> @MovingForward,
> 
> I can also identify with this, not so much that I don't see flaws but rather that feeling of doubting your own judgement. I mean after all, from what you could tell, your XW was a good candidate for a spouse and loved you...and yet it seems like none of that was true!
> 
> ...


Yes this is very meaningful thank you for sharing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You can do it. Even if new relationships come and go for now, you've gone through a very tough time, it's ok not to worry, give yourself kudos for continuing to move forward however things unfold. . 

Strength and luck to you.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

gowithuhtred said:


> You can do it. Even if new relationships come and go for now, you've gone through a very tough time, it's ok not to worry, give yourself kudos for continuing to move forward however things unfold. .
> 
> Strength and luck to you.


The best part of new relationship is i do not feel like i am wasting time and even if it doesn't work out I am LIVING not just existing, we have done more together in 9 months than i did in 10 years with my XW.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> The best part of new relationship is i do not feel like i am wasting time and even if it doesn't work out I am LIVING not just existing, we have done more together in 9 months than i did in 10 years with my XW.


Except for making babies...


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Edmund said:


> Except for making babies...


Well I mean in terms of activities and going places.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MF, does your GF still shutdown all the flirting/hookup attempts? Do you see any red flags about HER actions? If so, then maybe this is a gut reaction to that. If NOT, they maybe a few counselling sessions may help you figure out how to move past this. Let's face it, your D did a huge number on you and having some external objective counselling may provide methodologies to move out of your current thought patterns...


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> MF, does your GF still shutdown all the flirting/hookup attempts? Do you see any red flags about HER actions? If so, then maybe this is a gut reaction to that. If NOT, they maybe a few counselling sessions may help you figure out how to move past this. Let's face it, your D did a huge number on you and having some external objective counselling may provide methodologies to move out of your current thought patterns...


Yes she shuts it down, problem is she is a talker, anyone who will have a conversation with her she will talk to and enthusiastically so obviously once in a while this person is a guy and they seem to assume she is interested and make an attempt. Only red flag is she is very jealous and not sure if its a red flag or just insecurity like i have since she was cheated on multiple times by her XH.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'm not sure if it would be worth it, but perhaps you could frame a conversation with her around her very friendly conversations with guys and how they can lead to them getting ideas. Since SHE is jealous, it may let her see how that may upset YOU a bit...


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> I'm not sure if it would be worth it, but perhaps you could frame a conversation with her around her very friendly conversations with guys and how they can lead to them getting ideas. Since SHE is jealous, it may let her see how that may upset YOU a bit...


Funny you say this, she has always had a hard time understanding how certain things make me feel as she has shared details of prior relationships with me without thinking maybe i dont want to know them and if i did ask certain things I just want the most basic details such as where they were from, how they met and how long they dated!

A couple days ago she started asking me about my time when I was single and asked in details and then got upset about it saying she cant imagine me being on a date or sleeping with anyone else as I am hers and it is weird to think that way and upsets her and she wished she had never asked, i used the opportunity to tell her AGAIN about oversharing and she said she felt like crap and can see exactly how It made me feel so will be more careful in future.

I dont know the best way to explain this part but she gets on better with guys than girls and not in the way that is normally the case where she the girl just doesn't have friends because she is *****y and ****ty and tries to sleep with everyone boyfriends/Husbands etc. Although she is very attractive and feminine looking, she dresses nice and girly and loves playing with make up she is also a Tom Boy and sometimes like one of the guys, she is into snowboarding, wake-boarding, surfing and other sports like this, she loves going out shooting guns and wants to do all kinds of sports of the more extreme variety.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MovingForward said:


> Funny you say this, she has always had a hard time understanding how certain things make me feel as she has shared details of prior relationships with me without thinking maybe i dont want to know them and if i did ask certain things I just want the most basic details such as where they were from, how they met and how long they dated!
> 
> A couple days ago she started asking me about my time when I was single and asked in details and then got upset about it saying she cant imagine me being on a date or sleeping with anyone else as I am hers and it is weird to think that way and upsets her and she wished she had never asked, i used the opportunity to tell her AGAIN about oversharing and she said she felt like crap and can see exactly how It made me feel so will be more careful in future.
> 
> I dont know the best way to explain this part but she gets on better with guys than girls and not in the way that is normally the case where she the girl just doesn't have friends because she is *****y and ****ty and tries to sleep with everyone boyfriends/Husbands etc. Although she is very attractive and feminine looking, she dresses nice and girly and loves playing with make up she is also a Tom Boy and sometimes like one of the guys, she is into snowboarding, wake-boarding, surfing and other sports like this, she loves going out shooting guns and wants to do all kinds of sports of the more extreme variety.


I just urge caution when dealing with this stuff. With my Newish GF, she knows that I got around before I met her.

And she even went through a stage where she asked, when were get at a bar/music venue, which women I had slept with there. 

I told her which, ones and of course I cannot socialize with them, which is fine because I was not with them so anymore. 

I never told her numbers, and told her I won't as that is private, otherwise all is pretty much fair game if she really wants to know. 

But in her case, she is the best woman that I have been with, not that others were not great as well, but she is the best. I guess that make her more secure for some reason. 

A lot of women, and men I guess, really are into "this is MY man" and I get that to an extent. 

I just think that at this age I am more like, "I love being with you, if you change your mind, well OK, next". 

While that is probably not very romantic, that is how it is for me. Not that I would not be devastated if we broke up, I am just not going to pine about it forever either...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> Funny you say this, she has always had a hard time understanding how certain things make me feel as she has shared details of prior relationships with me without thinking maybe i dont want to know them and if i did ask certain things I just want the most basic details such as where they were from, how they met and how long they dated!
> 
> A couple days ago she started asking me about my time when I was single and asked in details and then got upset about it saying she cant imagine me being on a date or sleeping with anyone else as I am hers and it is weird to think that way and upsets her and she wished she had never asked, i used the opportunity to tell her AGAIN about oversharing and she said she felt like crap and can see exactly how It made me feel so will be more careful in future.
> 
> I dont know the best way to explain this part but she gets on better with guys than girls and not in the way that is normally the case where she the girl just doesn't have friends because she is *****y and ****ty and tries to sleep with everyone boyfriends/Husbands etc. Although she is very attractive and feminine looking, she dresses nice and girly and loves playing with make up she is also a Tom Boy and sometimes like one of the guys, she is into snowboarding, wake-boarding, surfing and other sports like this, she loves going out shooting guns and wants to do all kinds of sports of the more extreme variety.


Well even though you were a bit "TMI", it sounds like the convo turned out for the best. She now has an appreciation of how her interactions with guys and being "too" friendly could bother you. Hopefully that will be put into action to show that she really does understand.

Having guy friends is one thing -- not seeing that being overly friendly or a bit too attentive could make a guy think other thoughts is something else. Again, not necessarily HER fault, but you know, that's the way most guys think.


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