# my life and family is out of control.........



## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

hi, well i don't know where to even begin, my brain is racing trying to get it all out. so i made the decision after a long thought to register myself here and to write it all down, but to understand my issues would i be able to write my life on here?? would it be read by anyone??:scratchhead:
i sure hope so? wow i can not even seem to be writing this message without crying!
how am i going to write????


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

Just take it slow, give a history and the rest will come out in due course.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

thank you,
i will do my best.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

ok, so here we go. i was born in germany,and met my first boyfriend while he was stationed in the military on christmas, at my grandmothers house. We dated for 2 years, he knew about my dreams to become a nurse and travel the world especially 3rd world country's in hopes to make a different's in someones life. However my life became somewhat of not knowing why it is today what it is!?


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

I knew of america in movies shows etc, the english i learned in school was just enought to get u by in a conversation, and he knew some german so talking with limits was the game. my parents liked him alot and pretty much adopted him as their son, the news came as of my 17.th birthday in december i found out i was expecting, and i was blown away, wow. yes very young indeed, and what about my dreams where would they go?? well far far away, they went.yes he was happy too about the new addition coming so on march1st 91 we got married. i did not at all have the thought of going to the USA, but i knew he would have to go back that same year in october and it was approaching fast. so what was i to do?? stay behind with my son, or to give this life in america a try?? very scary at the time, a whole new world, and to sacrifice family, friends? everything i ever knew. S o i agreed to the US and we moved to arizona for 9 months thats where his transfer took us. the day i left home my parents where just hearth broken, once in we got to arizona well life moved on i had a 3 month old in tow moved into an apartment, and he went to work. my english needed a lot of work so even though i missed home sooo much i needed to try this new world for the sake of my son.so 2 moths into living there my son got sick, would not keep his formula down, etc, so i wanted him to go to the doctor on base with me as i was not driving yet. he said no i cant but i will drop you off and you can tell the doc whats wrong. i begged him and cried that i would not know what to say. he didn't care (1st signs maybe?)so while at the doctors i felt like getting thrown right into the pit of wolves. i managed to explain with hand and feet (so they call it) about what was going on, finding out the formula was not for him and needed to be switched. Wow, when i left there i thought ok, i did it and now so this won't happen again need to learn more english asap.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

so how to learn the language with no help from him? no class to take?? so i watched tv every chance i got and within a few months i was fluent and so proud of myself, that i had it pretty much down, with that said i took care of my son that i love sooo much and hoped life would get easier for not to miss home so much, but calling home daily has not changed even after 20 years i have to say
my mom came to visit often or my son and i would go back and visit. the moths came and went and so did the time in the military and his dream of going back to school and getting a degree in engineering was about to come true. so off we went to move to utah to live with his parents for 4 years, yes you heard right was a nightmare in the making.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

well i am sorry that i have to write all this, i just feel like it is time to get this all out.to seek out a therapist would be a very expensive option and he would have to become my very own personal therapist. so for anyone reading this please bare with me, would you please i will really be needing some advise on where to go? what to do? because i just do not know anymore..............


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

life was hard at her house, i supported him through different jobs and my son had to go to daycare with it all being so new to me i was glad that at least my son had a face working at the daycare who was his dads grandma, that made me feel somewhat at ease. i was a clean freak by nature and loved to cook( well i still am to this day).
my mother in-law and i never really got along since i was the opposite of her and always felt like having to give me a hard time. He on the other hand we by then had major issues thought it would be ok to call an old girlfriend of his and to casually let her know that he still loved her!? what?? i think i didnt translate this right in my mind! or was i right?? he loved her?? still?? but oh he said he loved me too?? oh heck no!!! taking this to the in laws in the other room and telling her is this ok?? she says well he has a right to be happy, and if it is not with you then maybe her!!! what now??next finding him writing her a letter, but actually 2 letters 1 for me about what he said he wrote and the other letter the letter of his real feelings for her. well the 1 and only problem for him was he put the letter in the mail box with the flag up, and i went out after he left and read the letter;; oh boy, not good at all for him after he got home...... life went on i thought ok we need to really work on this marriage. i supported him through school and found out i was pregnant with our 2nd child, a son that was also born in august of 95, 2 weeks after his graduation. finding a job with his new degree was going to be interesting, i gave up my job as a caregiver at a nursing facility, and off we moved to CA, in hopes to making good money, at the job he was offered.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

once in CA we moved into an apartment made some neighbor friends and just loved being with my 2 boys and oh did i love those to little guys, wow....and well his love for his computer grew and so did his love for games.missing home a lot my mom came to visit quite often, all that money on tickets i swear she could own a plane buy now, well ok not quite but close


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

FYI,
the reason why i have to stop writing once in a while is because i feel like i fell and broke my wrist,lol
i quess i am not good at typing for a long time on the keyboard.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

im sorry, but i will have to finish writing tomorrow, i want to call my kids before they go to bed ))


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

so i am back, on here and i will just fast forward, otherwise i might as well write a book about this.
My marriage has had lots of issues, husband addicted to world of warcraft, and then my oldest son to. the last time i went to germany was in 1996, after my daughter was born. because of the not so fun time on the plane alone with 3 kids i made a decision to not travel home again until my kids get older. ten years later i had planned a trip to go home with my kids, to show them where i came from, to understand my culture and german life in general.
we all had a great time. then in 2008 i had upsettting moments where all i would ever get from him where ja i will be right there, etc. to say the least i took cake of all, the house , the kids, their sports, etc.i felt so alone never making any friendships or taking care of myself, getting some time out for me, any vacations we did i planned all of them, disneyland, camping, hiking you name i planned it,in 2008 when i made travel plans to go home to germany with my kids, sightseeing planned, plane tickets payed for my daughter didnt wanne go, she said she didnt have to! what now?? so he allowed her to stay home, and i was livid, my son was not plying warcraft as much as he used to but still tried to fit in a few min here and there. this is when i had finally had enough and wanted a divorce, his emotional abuse, to put it short was for me the same as getting smacked in the face. except there was no bruising from the outside for anyone to see. the lack of respect he has had for me all these years, has effected my kids because they act just like him too????? why???? i have no idea!!! it is very upsetting to me!!!! so when things got really bad, i went home for about 9 months, we both agreed that a seperation might benefit both of us. i had missed my kids sooo much!! i can not tell you how much, but with no education here, no job, no friends, where was i supposed to go????? so when i thought we where working things out and it was getting better, i came back, only to find myself, that it was starting again!!!! we had our house on the market he wanted to sell it, so i started packing up the house, no surprise to me that none would help!!!! when the house was packed up, 1 room left to go and that was the office, he came in the garage in may and said, i dont love you anymore! i need you to find your own place and i will do the same!! did someone just hit me over the head???? it sure felt like a huge blow!! so i was used to get the house packed and then get kicked out?????


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

so i went and found my own apartment, where i still currently live, and he had given me no financial support, until he says the house was sold then i would have money again, and in the meantime to be without money, not a big deal in his eyes. but well we were still married at the time so i took some checks because i needed to live somewhere too!!!!! in june my mom came and helped me out to finish up the house! yeap you heard right, we packed up his office, when that was done all stuff moved out, we even went back to do some last minute cleaning, and done it was including canceling all services etc, house was gone he moved in his own place, and here i was all alone
why are my kids not with me????? i ask myself to this day.
it breaks my hearth!!!!! and brings me to tears writing about this or even the thought!!! he was never really in their lifes, he brought the money home and never had to woory about anything i did all of it,


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

about a month ago, i again thought ok i wont give up, lets work on this marriage, only to find out my god, how horrible!!!!!!!!! he had been writing to a i will be nice and call her a lady,( you can surley think what i mean) 48 pages about me and she would have the guts to write about like giving advise about divorcing me, about the kids, what he should give me, how he should treat me !!!!!!!!!! hallloooooo!!!!! i have never met this :::::: in mylife!! how could she talk about me like we had been friends in the past????? unbelievable!!!! my kids are living with him they have no interest to live with me!!??? why oh why???? i dont know!!! the problem i have the most is my daughter he allows her anything and everything!! i am being a parent i have rules, he doesnt, so she tells me that she hates me, living with me would be hard! well in her eyes it is hard, because i demand respect, i dont allow everything, and i have rules.
he tells my kids that i am not a good parent???? what??? he chooses to be more of a friend then parent!!!! and this is why we are where we are, he has never shown respect for me, and sad to say my kids have picked that up of time!!!!!!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

sorry, i need a minute!!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

so hard for me to write or talk about this!!! my parents, my mother was very upset with my kids, since she had seen first hand how they treat me, talk to me, etc. she does not understand that they act like this.my daughter took me of her facebook, because i didnt allow her to go to the movies at 9:30 pm the other week. her comments are" i will never live with you" nor will you get custody of me!!! and says she will put her foot down!!! he txt me and says oh ja and she took you of her phone!! yesterday i txt her, if i call her she doesnt answer, i said hey sweetie how are you? i love you! and she txt back and said "did you need something"? what now?? my 2nd child is not like this at all, but he is also choosing to stay with his dad!! my oldest son calls me when he needs me, or when he gets upset at me, he says oh F..... you....., you are such a B.......


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

breeze said:


> There has to be some reason why your children aren't with you.
> 
> Did they choose to go with their father, or did he just tell them that's what was going to happen?


You know, if i only would know the answer to this??
they know he is the one with money, he allows more then i do!
i hope and pray everyday, that maybe tomorrow i will wake up and they changed their mind, and treat me better then they do!!
i am so hearth broken over this!!!! it is very hard to explain,


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

i told my daughter that i will always love her no matter what!!!! and will be there for her!!!
she doesnt want to hear it!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

my kids know that my oldest son got a nursing career going because of me, i helped him beat the issue with world of warcraft, he has his license because of me, my 2nd son is doing awesome in football, because i supported him, my daughter does cheer leading and other sports, because of me! i do not want this to sound like well look what i did, and he did not do! i am just trying to say that he has never had, sorry to say interests in his kids. my life has 110% giving in all i had for my kids!!!! i never tried to worry about myself, to take time for myself, and yes i did enable my kids to some point, yes i am to blame too.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

so today, i sit here in my apartment and just dont know how all this is supposed to continue????? we are going to be divorcing, my kids want to live with him.
i never got educated,( just german high school diploma).
and have applied endlessly at jobs and can not for the life of me find one!!!!!! since it has been since the 90s that i worked, jobs are hard to find, if someone would just give me a chance!!
i love working in nursing homes, or as a receptionist. yeah i would love that,
i am also limited on lifting only 25 pounds do to some issues with my back. that i was to have surgery on a while back.
having insurance after i am dropped from his, is also going to be hard to get, with part time work, no insurance, if full time then i will not know if i can afford the insurance.
he also wants to go by his rules of the divorce proceedings,
wow!!!! i am just so drained and don't seem to have the energy anymore to deal with all of this!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

at this time i am also very grateful for my dog (a yorkie) she is grateful to have me! and she makes me laugh, something that has become rare with me, and sometimes i catch myself makeing a joke or laugh about something, especially when my kids are around, but over the years i think well i know i have cried more then laughed.
but with that said i know my spark is still in there that i make people laugh, so i know it has not gone out all the way yet! 
but you know when i talk about my dreams and such i am told i should snap out of lallaland!!! hard to understand!!! or that if i would go home to be with my family, and find work and school there, wich you do get paid for going to school in germany, and with the health insurance being socialized for all, then i would have that money and problem solved and that money saved,
but as he says, im the run away mother, and i am abandoning my kids!!!!! but they chose there dad, and they are very vocal about it!!! so lost for words!!!!
as my parents say, well you are our daughter and we did not just raise a doormat here!!!!!!
so they say come home and make something out of your life!!!!!! but do it soon!!!!!!!! and make a decision!!!!!
and i have to say that my mother would actually be the last person to ever say this to me!!!! but she has seen what went on when she was here!! and my dad says if she does not change this then it will always be like this, like a mop, pulled out when needed then put back until further use!!!!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

about a month ago i went to see a lawyer, i found her through my state i live in. i told her in 2 hours what is going on, she said:
#1: your case is unique
#2: this would not be considering abandonment, my kids are choosing, and they would be asked.
#3: what he wants me to pay for, is like asking bill gates (the billionaire) asking that his maid would pay him??
well he is not a billionaire, but he makes $150,000 a year, plus stock, bonuses, etc.so yes compared to me, well he is.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

#4: the judge would approve for me to go home.
believe me the last thing i want is to feel like i would be abandoning my kids!!!!!
but really do not see a lot of options for me to survive here.
i know he would rather see me under a bridge, homeless,
yeap that is his type!!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

breeze said:


> Listen to your parents, they love you, and they know the situation.
> 
> Don't listen to your ex-husband. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't care about your situation.
> 
> Your kids can always visit you, and you can visit them.



i know, but you know he will feed them so much, about that i left them that i think that things wont get better, and then will i loose more of my kids then i already have?? because of him??


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

my mother always says, i do not understand these kids??!!!
they have their own brain, why are they not using it?? they know who they always could count on!!! sure was not him!! sometimes they say "god will only give you what he thinks you can handle"
or " that we can learn from these kind of issues"
however, i do not think i can handle this anymore, and for sure not more of it!
and what am i supposed to learn from this?? 
that i have this feeling i lost my kids because of him? and why would he do this??


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## star71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Wow, I read your post and girl we are somewhat in a similar situation. Married 7 yrs, together 13 yrs, verbally abusive, selfish, kids began being disrecpectful to me (since they see their dad do it too) , used drugs in the past and found out this year too, and the final blow was that he has been sneaking around to willing females. Wow, now that was when a few weeks ago I decided that I am pursuing my Master degree, I am smart, and I ain't going to let him use me anymore. Honestly, he really fooled me and I am angry at him for lying to me that he never cheated on me all this time. He says I better have my proof of his infidelity because he doesn't want to pay child support. All the while when I analyzed everything he really showed most of the signs of cheating despite the fact that we had great sex. He was just a player who also likes to be married. Too bad for him he still has to pay child support and even spousal support that I demanded from him and he agreed. 
So now, he knows that I am fed up with his Bull**** and I am better than what he thinks of me and I don't need him in my life. I will say he is a really good liar and I was hurt but it has made me a stronger woman.

I feel really bad that your children are not with you. I can feel your pain. I hope you get the strength and try to get to your kids. It is important that you seek counseling. I did see one on the day I decided to divorce my deployed H. I feel so much better and looking ahead to raising my kids in a healthy environment.


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

well there is people that say they died of a broken heart!
that for sure is me :,(
dying of a broken heart,
i have always been so strong, and always did everything i had to do to get daily life done, when i was kicked down i got back up.
but slowly i am falling down, and i am afraid i will not be able to get back up once i am down!!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

ok, i need a few minutes, keyboard is swimming in tears, i can not see the keys anymore. i have to take 5 min.
but i want to say that i am very grateful for anybody reading this, and leaving their advise! it is sooooo gratefully appreciated!!
it feels great to let this all out!!
thank you!!!


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## nicci (Aug 24, 2010)

i think you are so right, both of you. thank you,
i think also that my kids will have respect for me if i take charge and do not let them walk all over me anymore, and do something out of my life. i do not talk negative to them about their dad, no matter how i feel about him, he seems very immature to have to resort talking negative about me. i did talk to my kids a couple of weeks ago, about my options on what i might have to do, to do something with my life, that i was a human being too, and not only mom. something they have known until recently when things soured. i told them that i loved each one of them with all my heart!!
that no matter what that will never change.
sometimes you do have to let the ones you love go


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