# Thoughts Of An Introvert



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Since this isn't really relationship related, thought I would just throw out in the clubhouse. Curious if others here who consider themselves introverts can relate.

Had Thanksgiving dinner at my brother's yesterday. Typically we just do Thanksgiving with our Mom's side of the family, so a smaller more intimate dinner. Long story short (will skip the details/drama), this year my SIL decided to invite her family to the dinner as well and only a very small portion of my Mom's side attended, so basically most of the people there were from my SIL. Normally with my Mom's side I would say there are about 15 people (including all the kids), all family I obviously grew up with. This time with only a few people from my Mom's side (5) there were probably 30+ people there, so a significantly larger gathering made up almost entirely of my SIL's side. 

So a couple of things here. In general, I do not like being in "larger" crowds. Add to that being around people that I don't know and have probably only ever seen a handful of times (don't get me wrong, my SIL's family is really nice) and I just found Thanksgiving dinner to be overwhelming. I always enjoyed previous Thanksgivings because it was much smaller and since I was with my family it was easy for me to relax, I didn't feel like I had to "work" to make conversation. Yesterday, between it being loud with all the people and not really feeling like I could just relax and enjoy, it was almost like I was in sensory overload. I don't want to come across as a d$ck but I really have very little interest in making small talk with someone I don't know, which then makes it more draining when someone talks to me and I have to act as if I am interested. By the end of the night I was just drained, to the point where I was having anxiety and needed to get out of there. Honestly, I am just the type of person who would be more than happy just spending Thanksgiving alone, watch some movies and football in peace and quiet (been trying to get this for years since every few years my wife takes the kids to her parents for Thanksgiving and I can't go because I work).

I know what everyone here is thinking, looking at my avatar with just enough perfectly placed chest hair, its obvious that everyone would want to be around me 24/7 :grin2:

Guess I just get tired of some people acting like there is something wrong with you b/c you are introverted, like it is some negative trait. You will get t old that you hate people, are anti social, etc... which is far from the truth. I have no issues interacting with people, and part of my job revolves around client relationships which I do very well with. I am just one that rather be in the company of a few people that I know well, and also need my alone time to recharge. I am sure also that is why forums such as TAM and others I participate in I enjoy so much, I can still interact with people but do it on my terms at my own comfort level.

So back to my original point, for those who are introverts, do you experience similar feelings when in large groups or surrounded by a lot of people you don't know?

Funny enough, as I was thinking about all this I came across an article that I think describes great what goes through the head of many"introverts" (having issues pasting right now so here are just some screenshots of the article on Huffington Post)


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I had always considered myself to be an introvert. But in reality I lacked the self esteem to go up against another's personality. I am coming to terms with now. Post divorce, living a new city, forced to make new friends I am realizing that nobody here knows me. I am exciting or engaging as I want to be. Instead of being as boring and insipid as I used to imagine myself. They say you become what you think. I am challenging my thoughts to create a new me.
I am not saying this is for everyone just that it has been my experience.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I know you put this in the Men's Clubhouse, and therefore hope you won't mind if I respond, but I think that one of the great moments of self-awareness for me was realizing I am in introvert. I'm the only one in my American family like that. One time I nearly fell over when I heard my Mom say to people that I need my space, because I never thought she saw that trait in me as something positive or desirable. My British family are full of 'em. My English granddad was one. 

It all clicked for me one day when I read something similar to what you've posted in this quote, about getting energy from being by myself. For me, the definition of introvert that jumped out when I found it is someone who gets energy being by themselves and uses energy being with other people. You have to hit a balance, and I imagine you use a LOT of energy with a LOT of people in one space, especially if they are people you don't know and have to work harder in a big crowd.

Fortunately I work for a small department, which works well for me, and I think I gravitated towards it naturally. My office IS a revolving door sometimes, but I am aware that I do my best work after an extended period of quiet, and on days when there's been a lot of traffic through my door, I throw up my hands and settle for just doing parts of a project or completing one small one. The downside of that is, I go into the office on weekends often when no one is there, but I can get done in two-three hours what would take several days or a week otherwise. 

And yes, I have a hard time in a large group, whether it is as party or a meeting or any other situation where there are large numbers of people. In my case, from meetings, there tend to be a gaggle of people after the meeting is over who want to gather and talk and deconstruct all the new instructions and role play scenarios and anticipate consequences, and I just don't have the energy for that. 

As I get older, too, I find the ability to summon up the energy is harder. Instead, the energy I store I want to use on other things.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I just leave to recharge; either by going for a 30 minute walk or finding a quiet room to read. But yes it can be overwhelming. My wife understands and I get along well with all of them. 

Learning to not care how other perceives me was a big help, I did not get there until late 30’s. 

This book helped me:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking: Susan Cain: 9780307352156: Amazon.com: Books


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I just leave to recharge; either by going for a 30 minute walk or finding a quiet room to read. But yes it can be overwhelming. My wife understands and I get along well with all of them.
> 
> Learning to not care how other perceives me was a big help, I did not get there until late 30’s.
> 
> ...


Good book. My daughter got it for me.


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## Marriagestinks (Nov 23, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Since this isn't really relationship related, thought I would just throw out in the clubhouse. Curious if others here who consider themselves introverts can relate.
> 
> Had Thanksgiving dinner at my brother's yesterday. Typically we just do Thanksgiving with our Mom's side of the family, so a smaller more intimate dinner. Long story short (will skip the details/drama), this year my SIL decided to invite her family to the dinner as well and only a very small portion of my Mom's side attended, so basically most of the people there were from my SIL. Normally with my Mom's side I would say there are about 15 people (including all the kids), all family I obviously grew up with. This time with only a few people from my Mom's side (5) there were probably 30+ people there, so a significantly larger gathering made up almost entirely of my SIL's side.
> 
> ...



I hate how being introverted is seen as a character flaw. I can totally relate to the sensory overload thing. Im not a loner i like being with people and having good conversations but i agree with u on the small talk. Its all mindless babble with people udont care about. A lil is fine but to do that often and for long periods of time is really hard on people like us. I do need my alone time to recharge but i def dont want to always be alone and i like people. I dont think alot of extroverts understand introverts in the slightest


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

(for puttering read sex  )


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I had always considered myself to be an introvert. But in reality I lacked the self esteem to go up against another's personality. I am coming to terms with now. Post divorce, living a new city, forced to make new friends I am realizing that nobody here knows me. I am exciting or engaging as I want to be. Instead of being as boring and insipid as I used to imagine myself. They say you become what you think. I am challenging my thoughts to create a new me.
> I am not saying this is for everyone just that it has been my experience.


Interesting, I do agree that lack of self esteem could easily be turned into being an introvert.



TeddieG said:


> I know you put this in the Men's Clubhouse, and therefore hope you won't mind if I respond, but I think that one of the great moments of self-awareness for me was realizing I am in introvert. I'm the only one in my American family like that. One time I nearly fell over when I heard my Mom say to people that I need my space, because I never thought she saw that trait in me as something positive or desirable. My British family are full of 'em. My English granddad was one.
> 
> It all clicked for me one day when I read something similar to what you've posted in this quote, about getting energy from being by myself. For me, the definition of introvert that jumped out when I found it is someone who gets energy being by themselves and uses energy being with other people. You have to hit a balance, and I imagine you use a LOT of energy with a LOT of people in one space, especially if they are people you don't know and have to work harder in a big crowd.
> 
> ...


It is tough because many people in my family have "big" personalities which definitely makes me stick out at times. I work at a small firm (vs I used to work at a very large firm prior) and I definitely enjoy the small firm atmosphere. 

Also, lol at the bolded, I can definitely relate to that 



Max.HeadRoom said:


> I just leave to recharge; either by going for a 30 minute walk or finding a quiet room to read. But yes it can be overwhelming. My wife understands and I get along well with all of them.
> 
> Learning to not care how other perceives me was a big help, I did not get there until late 30’s.
> 
> ...


It does help that my wife is a similar personality as me (at least in terms of being an introvert) so she can relate to the need to recharge/alone time. It also helps because we don't force each other to go outside of our comfort zone. A few months ago our neighbors were having an adult get together at their house and had invited us. By the end of the day though b/w me being at work all day and my wife surviving with the kids, we were already tired, and the thought of having to put energy into making small talk with a lot of new people was just completely unappealing to us. I would imagine couples where one person is an introvert and one is an extrovert can present some additional challenges.



Marriagestinks said:


> I hate how being introverted is seen as a character flaw. I can totally relate to the sensory overload thing. Im not a loner i like being with people and having good conversations but i agree with u on the small talk. Its all mindless babble with people udont care about. A lil is fine but to do that often and for long periods of time is really hard on people like us. I do need my alone time to recharge but i def dont want to always be alone and i like people. I dont think alot of extroverts understand introverts in the slightest


Yeah, you hit the nail on the head, introvert does not mean you don't like people. I don't know how many times a family member has made a comment to me about being anti social (meant in obviously a negative way) just because I don't always interact with the people in the manner they seem to feel is "appropriate". Same as you, I enjoy being around people and having a good conversation, but really it needs to be done on my terms (or moreso with people you generally have an interest in). I can easily shoot the $hit with anyone if need be. I do admire those who can do this naturally without effort, but realize this isn't me so I don't force.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I love introverts. I'm extrovert on steroids and the more introverts that are around the more people I think like me cuz I'm badass since they don't say much! I do think you can become more extroverted like big Y said. It's similar to loneliness. How do you cure loneliness? Spend a lot of time ALONE!! Hope this helps! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Interesting, I do agree that lack of self esteem could easily be turned into being an introvert.
> 
> 
> It is tough because many people in my family have "big" personalities which definitely makes me stick out at times. I work at a small firm (vs I used to work at a very large firm prior) and I definitely enjoy the small firm atmosphere.


IDK if I'm an introvert or I just find a lot of people irritating so I prefer to keep to myself. When people go into long winded stories about themselves I tend to glaze over and my mind wanders. Maybe, I'm just a bit*h. :|


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Heatherknows said:


> IDK if I'm an introvert or I just find a lot of people irritating so I prefer to keep to myself. When people go into long winded stories about themselves I tend to glaze over and my mind wanders. Maybe, I'm just a bit*h. :|


Lol. I have someone in my space like that; if I wrench my knee and I'm sitting in my chair in pain, there's always someone ready and able to tell me their long-winded story about their knee injury and how they used to run or bike or . . .

I've learned to slap a smile on my face and look interested. Doesn't take much energy to zone out that way. 

:wink2:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

ISTJ, here. Pretty pronounced on the I.

I, too, hate small talk in general, and most especially with people I don't know. I find it exhausting.

Made the mistake of accepting a neighbor's invitation to Thanksgiving with 16 of her Toastmaster friends (she's always trying to get me to go with her to Toastmasters, and I make excuses, but the truth is I would only find that exhausting, too). They were all very nice and very interesting people, but "Where are you from?" and "What do you do?" get old quickly for me. I really don't enjoy talking about my job. It's really kind of a boring, yet stressful one. I'd just as soon forget all about it on my days off and holidays.

I, too, like being with a few people I know very well and having deep conversations, and not about work. Unless we're psychoanalyzing one of our coworkers - that's just good, clean, American fun.

I had to leave the party about an hour after dinner because I started feeling anxious. Introverts just feel like fish out of water in a large group of people we don't know. I wonder if that's how pronounced extroverts feel when they find themselves completely alone for any length of time - like they need to go be around people to recharge. One of my brothers is like that. He bar hops all day long on the weekends. I used to think he was just an alcoholic, but I joined him doing that one day and saw that he really didn't drink all that much. He just really likes shooting the sh!t with people he doesn't know. When he exhausts the small talk in one place, he moves on. He actually doesn't like it when someone brings up a serious subject, and hijacks the conversation back to mindless stuff.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> ISTJ, here. Pretty pronounced on the I.
> 
> I, too, hate small talk in general, and most especially with people I don't know. I find it exhausting.
> 
> ...


INTJ here, no matter how many times I take the test. H is an extrovert and loves being the center of attention; loves a room full of introverts and absolutely CANNOT do "alone." BUT he did complain that when he was with OW and her family, there were NO conversations of any depth, and he missed our discussions of politics and war and religion and deep conversations about a host of things. 

Can't miss them THAT much though. He chose them. But in reality, I think people can do small doses of either feature, alone or in a group, but it depends on the circumstances and the length. It's good to be aware of our limits. I would have done the same thing you did, beans; I would have left as soon as reasonable possible. 

I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving, had a favorite meal, got texts from family and friends, and read a good book. And gave thanks.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

In my youth I did not know there was a difference and struggled to figure out what was wrong with me. Hell my 1st wife told my friends that she thought there WAS something wrong with me. I have since learned there is nothing wrong and accepting who I am is & being a introvert is my super power.

A few weeks ago a young couple with a 10 month old invited themselves over for dinner; they are vegan to boot. Mom has a big personality and also wanted a vegan meal cooked in pots that never touched meat. I was dreading it on every level. But there was some fun & I chose to focus on that. My wife and I have no kids. Me 48 her 47 enjoyed the kid, what food he did not shove up his nose he threw at the wall. The point being that you should look for the silver lining. Liking having a bad dinner out, maybe the pees were OK.

This past tday my brother in-law found me in their sun porch reading. He wanted to know if everything was OK. I looked him in the eye and said “I’m well & am just recharging”. 

I worry the being married to someone like myself, that we are not challenging each other.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> INTJ here, no matter how many times I take the test. H is an extrovert and loves being the center of attention; loves a room full of introverts and absolutely CANNOT do "alone." BUT he did complain that when he was with OW and her family, there were NO conversations of any depth, and he missed our discussions of politics and war and religion and deep conversations about a host of things.
> 
> Can't miss them THAT much though. He chose them. But in reality, I think people can do small doses of either feature, alone or in a group, but it depends on the circumstances and the length. It's good to be aware of our limits. I would have done the same thing you did, beans; I would have left as soon as reasonable possible.
> 
> I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving, had a favorite meal, got texts from family and friends, and read a good book. And gave thanks.


Same here - ISTJ no matter how many times or versions. 

My ex loves to be the center of attention at parties - he is a master story teller. (That should have been the first red flag.) He had so many great stories, "Absolutely a true story," he'd say. Hmmmm. Claimed to be an introvert who forced himself out of his own "shyness." I would try to tell him shyness is not the same as introversion. 

He got a pronounced E on the Myers-Briggs/Jungian test, the one time I talked him into taking it. He thought it must be wrong.

Also cannot be alone. 

It's funny - he is a master of small talk, too - but also recently complained to me that the new GF isn't the deepest person he's ever come across. Go figure. A cheater lacks depth.

I know one thing: We both need to stop talking to these idiots altogether.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> INTJ here, no matter how many times I take the test. H is an extrovert and loves being the center of attention; loves a room full of introverts and absolutely CANNOT do "alone." BUT he did complain that when he was with OW and her family, there were NO conversations of any depth, and he missed our discussions of politics and war and religion and deep conversations about a host of things.


Yet another INTJ woman!

Aren't you supposed to be 1% of the population? Not around here obviously... :grin2:

Of course I find INTJ women very interesting. After all, I married one...


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Same here - ISTJ no matter how many times or versions.
> 
> My ex loves to be the center of attention at parties - he is a master story teller. (That should have been the first red flag.) He had so many great stories, "Absolutely a true story," he'd say. Hmmmm. Claimed to be an introvert who forced himself out of his own "shyness." I would try to tell him shyness is not the same as introversion.
> 
> ...


Word up!


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

technovelist said:


> Yet another INTJ woman!
> 
> Aren't you supposed to be 1% of the population? Not around here obviously... :grin2:
> 
> Of course I find INTJ women very interesting. After all, I married one...


Oh, you give me and NoMoreBeans hope that there is a good match for an introverted woman! Got a brother? 

:surprise:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> Oh, you give me and NoMoreBeans hope that there is a good match for an introverted woman! Got a brother?
> 
> :surprise:


Or two?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I would pair an intj w an ENfj.
That judging sheet would have to stay w another judging type. My wife is isfj and I'm Entp, or more specifically the doomsday pairing. We never had a chance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Personal said:


> I don't know if siblings would be a great place to start, since my wife and I aren't very compatible with our own siblings and are by interest, social values, and personalities completely different from them as well.
> 
> My wife (standard issue INTJ) and I (standard issue ENTJ) are a good match for each other.


That seems the ideal combination. I think Beans and I were hoping technovelist was a twin or a triplet! :wink2:


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> Oh, you give me and @NoMoreBeans hope that there is a good match for an introverted woman! Got a brother?
> 
> :surprise:


I do actually have two brothers, but I'm afraid they wouldn't be suitable as relationship partners for any sensible woman.

One is an ENTP, like me, but he has serious anger problems. He is not physically abusive to his wife, but he isn't very pleasant to be around much of the time.

The other is an ExFP (I'm not sure about the second letter). He's very emotionally immature, having apparently gotten stuck at college age, to the point where he moved back to his college town to live... at about age 60.

I'll see if I can think of any other possibly suitable NTs who are unattached, though...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> I would pair an intj w an ENfj.
> That judging sheet would have to stay w another judging type. My wife is isfj and I'm Entp, or more specifically the doomsday pairing. We never had a chance


You aren't kidding about the doomsday pairing. That was my ex-wife and me! :surprise:


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

That combination while great for business partners, is a disaster as a romantic pairing. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I find my I/E is very situational. When I am in an environment that I have some institutional gravitas, I find I am more extroverted. In situations where I am unsure of my authority or find it questioned I tend to shut down. That is why I say my introversion is based on lack of self esteem. Recognizing this has been a huge positive in my recovery from my divorce. It has given me an issue that I can work on to improve myself.


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Large crowds are exhausting to me. I just try and smile and say hello but never ever say "how are you" as that just invites more words. I'd much rather be at home than a house party. I don't have a problem with a club because even though there are other people you're not interacting with anyone other than your partner.

I start getting anxious if crowd is anything more than my wife, the cat, our 4 orchids, and a weird plant that I've had for 14 years that is slowly taking over the house.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I always dread going to a party, etc. But always have fun and most wouldn't know I'm an introvert. Next Saturday night I'm going to a Christmas party alone. My realtor (who I'm becoming good friends with....we're going out tomorrow night) and her family throw an annual party. While I'm looking forward to meeting her husband and grown daughters, I'm not at all looking forward to the party. I'll be friendly and have fun while there, though. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

TeddieG said:


> Lol. I have someone in my space like that; if I wrench my knee and I'm sitting in my chair in pain, there's always someone ready and able to tell me their long-winded story about their knee injury and how they used to run or bike or . . .
> 
> I've learned to slap a smile on my face and look interested. Doesn't take much energy to zone out that way.
> 
> :wink2:


I think the trouble comes in relationships if you aren't with another introvert and you glaze over when your extroverted spouse is talking. If that's the case, a simple statement that you need some quiet time is good. And watch how much you talk. My STBXH would glaze over, but he could give details to the nth degree when it was his turn. Can't have it both ways, you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I love crowds of people I don't know - concerts, big sporting events, airports. Because I can blend in and get lost. I don't stand out, and I like it that way.

The worst is being in a relatively small group - like a house party - where I don't know anyone. Unless I hit it off with one or two people who share my taste in movies or music, I'm lost. If I drove myself and can escape, I slip out the door when no one's looking, and the next time I see someone who was there, they say, "What happened to you?"

I suspect that might happen on Saturday at our company holiday party. I haven't gone in a few years, but now kind of have to. I'm a new manager, and would look bad if I didn't. I actually mostly look forward to it because I know these people, so there won't be a lot of awkward small talk, except with the poor spouses they drag along in some cases. But that performance thing - having to be "on" for a full evening for multiple people, and the anxiety of worrying whether I'll slip somewhere along the line and make a fool of myself - is daunting. I'll very likely slip out an hour or so early, because I just have to get out of there.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I love crowds of people I don't know - concerts, big sporting events, airports. Because I can blend in and get lost. I don't stand out, and I like it that


I like my huge church for this reason.

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> *I love crowds of people I don't know - concerts, big sporting events, airports. Because I can blend in and get lost. I don't stand out, and I like it that way.*
> 
> The worst is being in a relatively small group - like a house party - where I don't know anyone. Unless I hit it off with one or two people who share my taste in movies or music, I'm lost. If I drove myself and can escape, I slip out the door when no one's looking, and the next time I see someone who was there, they say, "What happened to you?"
> 
> I suspect that might happen on Saturday at our company holiday party. I haven't gone in a few years, but now kind of have to. I'm a new manager, and would look bad if I didn't. I actually mostly look forward to it because I know these people, so there won't be a lot of awkward small talk, except with the poor spouses they drag along in some cases. But that performance thing - having to be "on" for a full evening for multiple people, and the anxiety of worrying whether I'll slip somewhere along the line and make a fool of myself - is daunting. I'll very likely slip out an hour or so early, because I just have to get out of there.


Completely agreed on the bolded, actually pretty much your entire post lol. Fortunately I work for a small firm where I know everyone, so something such as a holiday party is not an issue. I use to work for larger firms though and the idea of some of the gathering was rather unappealing to me, unless I could find a small group of people to get lost with.

Something as simple as when it is time to leave feeling like you are supposed to say by to everyone is draining. In my OP regarding Thanksgiving dinner, when it was time to leave I just sneak out, and I am sure to some it seems like a dbag thing to do (but honestly I don't really care). Why do I want to go so goodbye to people who I don't know, probably won't see again????


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