# Losing myself in the midst of it all..



## indymama_00

Let me also add here..
I hate backpage.com.
I feel helpless here. 
I don't believe in divorce, but what are our kids being exposed too?
How can someone say theres nothing wrong with calling escorts and lie to me about seeing them?
Meanwhile, blaming me that if I didn't "disrespect him" he wouldn't want too stay out and do these things.

My husband is my husband and a father when he can be.
We have two kids, one being his stepchild. We have been together 4 years and married this yr.
I constantly am walking on eggshells so he doesn't get mad and end up staying out all night because of something stupid. I feel like I have no voice. I am constantly apologizing for things that aren't my fault. I am told that I have no respect for him, don't make him happy, but some days I am the "fuel that keeps him running" and the "love of his life".. He will stay out all night at bars, I see on our phone records he is calling other women who are listed on escort sites, he comes home and lies saying he didn't do anything, I have found porn on his web history every single time I have had the chance to look, his phone is constantly glued to him and locked, he doesn't ever acknowledge the multiple women from old flings or backpage.com I have found him contacting, he went so far as to come on to our neighbor, one of my only friends in the new town when he was out drunk and then blamed it on "her not being a good influence so he thought it would stop us from speaking".. He spending so much money on booze, escorts, even a hotel for a couple nights that I caught him at (clerk said he didn't have a room in his name but he was really defensive and called me an idiot about it when I asked), new toys for his electronics, gas to get around all night, meanwhile he comes back home afterwards and complains about our bills and what we spend. We are living off of credit cards and loans, we have no money. He is never satisfied. We finally find a rental, he hates it and doesn't want to be in it, it drives him crazy because he doesn't have enough space, he wants to buy a house now, WITH WHAT MONEY?! He plays pool 3 nights a week! Every time I trust him going to play he ends up out until 3-5 am, either just sleeping in his truck drunk, calling me to wake the kids and come get him, or calling his mother to bring him home since he can't drive. I dont understand the escorts, the porn.. Our sex life is not lacking. I don't turn him down, the attraction is there, but now I am scared of where he has been and why he is searching for other women when he has a wife at home who is submissive to anything he wants. He is depressed. He has anxiety. He takes medicine for ADHD but I feel like it just triggers these episodes even more. He wants to constantly sleep when he's home during the day. But at night he stays up all night eating and watching TV, smoking cigarettes and leaving a mess for me to clean up the next day. He doesn't change diapers, make bottles, just the occasional holding our little one, putting our 5 year old in time out or taking us to dinner on a whim. I know he has addiction problems, I do. Sexual, alcohol, gambling, spending. I don't know what to do. I filed for a divorce in July and he begged me up and down to not go. He said he would be an open book. He quit drinking for 6 weeks. He promised counseling. Now we are back to the same old person, he refuses counseling with me, says if I just respected him that I wouldn't have to worry about these things, but how do I respect someone who is never here? Who isn't emotionally available? Who leaves me hanging with broken promises? Who ALWAYS threatens divorce if I speak my mind or try to explain my feelings, get answers to all the questions I have when he's been gone. He always stays gone for days or comes and goes and gives me the silent treatment, then gets too drunk and comes home begging me and saying he loves me, wakes up the next day and doesn't even say anything about it and just acts normal. I do love this man. I do not want a divorce. I don't have the money to pack my things and go. All I have here is his family. I don't want to leave, but I don't know what to do anymore. He said that he wants a divorce. Never goes through with it, but I am scared he will. I feel trapped. I want to support him and fix this but I don't think he is willing to admit any issues on his side. He always says if I were to just "own up to what I have done" it will make a huge difference. I'm constantly called a *****, a ****, a ****ing idiot, and screamed at. But he says he doesn't yell at me... and if I didn't act like a ***** he wouldn't call me one. I know I have nagged more than normal lately, I have questioned more than I normally do, but I have a reason too. Should I back away and just let him be? Should I push for us to get help? Should I not question him? How do I just "take care of myself" when I don't know hardly anyone in this town and don't go out. I constantly have my kids. We don't have the money for childcare. I am a complete loss here. I've been praying nonstop, I have tried to just trust God here, but he then tells me I am trying to be "holy" and I am not fooling anyone. If he is out and I text him please just come home, even when I am extremely nice, he uses it as a cop out and says, well if you're going to push me then I am just staying out. See ya. I feel like I have zero, ZERO control. I can not talk to many people about this, really anyone but family who knows whats going on, without them saying DIVORCE, you deserve more. I do deserve more than this. But divorce isn't an option to me. I don't know where to go from here.. I can't sleep, can't eat, I just go through the motions and pray.


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## Corpuswife

Hope you are doing better....

Perhaps a separation is in order. Setting up a plan to stay with family until you figure things out. 

Sometimes, when your in a storm it's hard to think. He sounds unstable; abusive; and disrespectful. It's not a good environment for you or children but often we get somewhat numb. 

Please consider getting your "ducks in order" to do this alone. If he turns around, you still have something to fall back on . If he decides to bail, you have something to fall back on.


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## aine

Indymama, how have you been?


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## D1C

Leave.... Pack a bag and go. What are you holding on to?


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