# Tired of being lonely



## GodlyWife42 (Nov 25, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years, been together for over 20 years. I love this man. We have children and grandchildren. He is good to me. 

His job recently changed. He has been with the same company for 16 years. His new position requires him to be out of state during the week. He comes home Friday evenings and leaves again Monday mornings. I'm ok with this. It has taken some getting used to, but we are in a routine now and it works. We still have one minor child at home, as well as one of our daughters and granddaughter. I am very active with our granddaughter during the week as I keep her while her mommy works (she is a single mom). My days are busy, so I don't think about him being gone so much. Night time is harder. I miss him snoring in bed beside me. I get lonely.

My problem is that I'm finding myself being lonely on the weekends, too...when he's home. I know there is a lot to do in the 2 days he is home every week, and although I try to make things easier for him by doing all I can during the week, there are still things that he feels only he can do. He goes to bed early (before 8pm sometimes), and he spends a lot of time in our room watching CNN or his outdoor channels. I try to be understanding. His job is demanding. He's tired and sometimes stressed about meeting deadlines or passing inspections. He drives 5 hours on Fridays to get home, so the last thing he wants to do is get into a vehicle on the weekends. We don't go out or do anything. 

Sex is good - always has been, although my drive is way below his - we still manage to be intimate every weekends....I do have some problems there, but I will save those for another post as this one is really focused on me being lonely. 

I don't want to make a big deal out of this with him, as he has said he will quit his job and find something else if this isn't working for us ... but that really isn't an option. A man just can't give up 16 years with the same company because his wife is lonely, ya know?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh my, if I was in your shoes, I know I would feel as you do.. that's just 2 full days a week.. a month only = a week of time.. how could you not be feeling lonely missing him like mad.

Do you know if this is just a temporary thing? Sometimes I think if we know something is just temporary, it is easier to cope with it, knowing things will go back to normal....

He is likely really missing the sex...and you are really missing the affection ... at least on the weekend, don't let go of these things to please each other... do you skype during the week to help take the edge off ? 



> *GodlyWife42 said:* I don't want to make a big deal out of this with him, *as he has said he will quit his job and find something else if this isn't working for us *... but that really isn't an option. A man just can't give up 16 years with the same company because his wife is lonely, ya know?


 It sounds he really cares about your feelings and is willing to put his marriage first, even if it meant a lower paying job... this is a tough one... Quality of life/ marital happiness / togetherness.. sometimes is more important than a higher income.... but jobs are not easy to come by either.. are there any other options.. can you move closer to his job....anything?


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## GodlyWife42 (Nov 25, 2013)

Thank you so much for your response. As far as the job goes, this is a 2.5 year project, and we are about 7 months into it. It is likely that he will continue to work out of state, as they are looking at more properties in the state he is working in. For the first time in years, he is enjoying his job - this promotion has been such a wonderful thing for him - he has earned it, and I am beyond proud of him. He talks frequently about how much he enjoys his job - the different challenges, and the rewards that come with it. I could never ask him to give that up. 

You know, it's funny ... I have a Kindle and he has a laptop, and I Skype regularly with my best friend who lives 2000 miles away, but I never thought about Skyping with my husband. We talk on the phone several times a day most days - sometimes only once a day, depending on what he is doing at work. That's something to think about - he is still learning the ropes with his laptop (he's tech challenged LOL!) but I think with a weekend tutorial, I could get him comfortable with the program. Thanks for the suggestion! I feel like an idiot for not thinking of it myself! 

As far as me going to live where he is working...that's not an option at this point for either of us. I was blessed to be able to stay home and raise our kids. It is something that he felt very strongly about. He loves knowing that I am close by to all of our children (we have 6 children and 4 grandchildren) in case they need something. I am also close to his mother, and my parents, who are all getting older and needing more assistance. Our youngest is a senior in high school this year, and uprooting him would not be fair. We have talked about me visiting him, and have even planned for me to go there for our anniversary in a couple of months. He said the area is beautiful and he would love to explore it, he just does not have the time during the week. He is on the job by 6am, and does not get back to the hotel until sometimes 8pm. 

Sometimes, I just look at myself in the mirror and shake my head and say "Stop being such a whiner!!!" ... I don't really have anything too major to complain about...as I mentioned before, there is an issue with sex, and I will post about that in the appropriate section, but that's about the only issue with our marriage. This being lonely issue is a recent thing, and I know it's just something I have to get used to - and make his time at home more special, without expecting too much from him. 

Thanks again for your response.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I am right there with you! My husband is not out of town, but our schedules are completely opposite which means very little time together. We are awake together about an hour a day and that is 30 minutes in the morning while taking the kids to school and 30 minutes in the evening while he's getting ready for work so it's not what you would call quality time. Even on his days off, we don't see much of each other. Because he works nights, his schedule is to sleep all day and be up all night so even on those "nights off" he's up on the computer while I'm sleeping, and sleeping while I'm doing whatever it is I do during the day.

I get so incredibly lonely at night when I have to crawl into bed alone. The loneliness is so much more bearable during the day when I have so much to do. 

Sex is an issue for us as well. Except I'm HD and he's LD so he doesn't understand why I want to devour him every time the rare chance comes up.

I too, know I need to buck up and accept it, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to actually do it. 

Good luck Godly and if you find a magic cure to the nighttime blues, let me know so I can try it too!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

We are in a very similar situation to you. I only come home to see my family every other weekend on average. This will go on for at least the next year. I get lonely too, it's not just her. i don't just miss my wife, i miss my children too. 

One thing that helps my wife from being lonely is that she keeps herself incredibly busy. She takes a 17 hour credit load to finish her degree faster, and takes care of children too. In other words, she feels she might as well take advantage of our time apart to get this done now. We don't talk on the phone much, because both of us are so busy. Being busy also makes the time between seeing each other seem to go by much faster.

I took two of our pets with me, so that also helps my loneliness a little!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Marriages thrive on togetherness. That is a cardinal rule. So in other words you are normal.

People need fulfillment in life. Your husband gets his from his job, and you get yours from your marriage and family. 

Therefore it is not at all suprising that you are suffering and he his not.

But, he has offered to quit his job if it is not working for "us".... Men are not women. Women will say "I could do xxxx" and expect the man to decode what it is she really wants... Men are direct. If they say something or offer something, they mean it. A man expects when he makes an offer like this his wife will be true to him. By this I mean that she will either take him up on his offer or not, but that he trusts her not to suffer in silence and her allowing resentments and lonliness to undermine his happy marriage.

And a conversation where you tell him you are lonely and the two of you EXPLORE in discussion him quitting his job as a process and not an event could really open up some optons and improvements to the situation that may work for both of you, even if he does not quit the job.


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## GodlyWife42 (Nov 25, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses. 

Theseus: I have worked a seasonal job for the past 10 years - I'm an office manager for a local tax office, so I work January through mid-April. I know things will get easier for me during this time. I have thought about going back to school...but that thought always gets put on the back burner. I love being available all the time to help out with the grands ... our oldest and her husband are both in college and work part time jobs, so it's nice to be here when they need help with their 2 kids. Our 22 year old is a single mom, and she lives with us - she works a full time job, so I keep our granddaughter while she works. I have devoted my life to my kids and grandkids...they are a great joy to me.

Hicks: You bring up some interesting points. I don't feel that I am "suffering" or that I am resenting him or his job ...just the opposite, really. I couldn't be happier for him about this promotion and the opportunities it has opened for him. Maybe I didn't express my problem as well as I should have in my first post. I am fine during the week - I keep myself busy, and the time does go by pretty quickly. My problem is that I'm lonely even when he is home on the weekends because he is taking the time he needs to unwind and regroup before going back to work on Monday morning. I don't think that he fully realizes how I feel. He will make statements that show me that he has some understanding of what it's like for me - such as last weekend when our granddaughter was having a meltdown and I was feeling frazzled... he asked me "What do you need, honey? A break...at the beach...for a week?" and then he grinned at me. So I know he "gets it" on some level. I know I need to be more verbal and tell him what I need from him on the weekends ... but a big part of me feels guilty doing that because this man works his a$$ off, and his time off should be his.


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## GodlyWife42 (Nov 25, 2013)

MyHappyPlace: Oh what I would give to be HD again!! In the early years, I could not get enough of him. I'm talking 6 times a day. We met at work, so we were together all the time. I lived just a few blocks from where we worked, so we would go to my place on our lunch break - but we sure didn't need food! 

Something changed for me...not exactly sure when or what exactly or why ... but I just don't have the drive I used to. I would be happy with once a month. Don't get me wrong - he is an amazing lover. He makes sure I am satisfied before he is. It's just getting in the mood that is so hard for me. Once we get started, it's great ...I'm just never in the mood.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, I think I would take your husband at face value. He wants to know whether it works or doesnt work... He wants you to be happy. 

The entirety of your situation / marriage / family should be looked at and discussed.... Entirety includes:
-- His job
-- His actions on the weekends
-- Your lack of job and what each of your expectations are in regard to this.
-- Your kids, and your grandchildren and how your care of them could be preventing you from being first and foremost your husbands wife.

Everything must be on the table (for discussion) And in a marriage you both should orient and prioritize your lives in such a way that the family derives strenght from the marriage...

What I see is two people not really putting their marriage to each other first in life... He puts his job first and you put the children first.

This is why you have become non sexual, by the way.... You need to be engaged in your marriage to have a sexual connecdtion with your man, and blocking out and removing all the things that are impeding that connection.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

GodlyWife42 said:


> A man just can't give up 16 years with the same company because his wife is lonely, ya know?


Actually, yes, he can. It's a matter of priorities and what works and what doesn't. You know he might be miserable too but afraid to quit because he thinks it's working fine for you and he shouldn't whine. Talk to him. It just might be the excuse he needs to move on.


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