# Dreading the holidays



## evenow

*Update: Dreading the holidays*

Update------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the people that replied. I talked to my husband about the situation. We had agreed months ago to stay home this year (back when we had our own place) but as I thought he had forgotten and accepted the trip. It was my fault for not reminding him. 

He's going to buy a small tree and we'll decorate it together before we leave. 

And I won't allow myself to be negative on the trip.

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This Christmas I'm spending my entire Christmas and New Years with my in-laws on a long drive across country to a major resort. As a married couple with no children we've really spent the holidays split between our two families for years and frankly I'm tired of it. I'd like to stay home one year. Have our own tree and our own celebration. 

And not be made feel guilty for it. UGH.


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## draconis

Well you could always suggest that the family goes to your place. If you want it just you and your husband than ask for it. Offer instead to go for easter or something.

draconis


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## Jewel

I think that in this case, you just have to stick up for yourself. Don't let them make you feel guilty about enjoying a holiday at home. Offer to visit some other time, when it's less stressful.


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## evenow

Thanks for replying. I _thought_ my hubby and I had agreed we'd be alone this year, but then he agreed to this road trip. They wanted to all travel in the same car and stay in the same hotel rooms (across 4 states with a teenager and small spoiled child that aren't my own?! NO WAY!) but at least I argued for separate cars/rooms.

I do go for Easter. And for Thanksgiving. We live very close to his family whereas most of mine is across the country. It's not that there is a lot of stress involved, I just wish such a large chunk of my holiday (2-3 weeks) wasn't going to be controlled by other people. And I do feel guilty for feeling this way because I like road trips, want to go to this resort and don't have any real reasons for not wanting to go that doesn't sound like "I hate your family."


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## draconis

Have you told him hey I like your family but I want one holiday that is just us?

draconis


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## evenow

draconis said:


> Have you told him hey I like your family but I want one holiday that is just us?
> 
> draconis


Yes. He seems to conveniently forget the conversation. 

If I take next year that will be two Christmases that I haven't spent with my family. We'd probably drop by anyway that day so it would just be my family that I didn't see at all.

Thanks for listening. It just doesn't seem like a situation I can really win.


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## draconis

evenow said:


> Yes. He seems to conveniently forget the conversation.
> 
> If I take next year that will be two Christmases that I haven't spent with my family. We'd probably drop by anyway that day so it would just be my family that I didn't see at all.
> 
> Thanks for listening. It just doesn't seem like a situation I can really win.


WHile that might be the case I never saw marriage as a thing to win but rather a journey. To him it might be an excuse to see his family he misses or a tradition he has engrained in him. Either way I wish you the happiness you seek.

draconis


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## evenow

draconis said:


> WHile that might be the case I never saw marriage as a thing to win but rather a journey. To him it might be an excuse to see his family he misses or a tradition he has engrained in him. Either way I wish you the happiness you seek.
> 
> draconis


"Win" was a poorly chosen word, but I will own it. 

He does love his family, they are all very close and I have never kept him from them. On the other hand my family is scattered to the four winds and I'm not used the amount of interaction he is. I wish it didn't feel like it was an either/or type of situation, like I was forcing him to choose between seeing his family and being a hermit.

Thanks draconis.


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## riskey58

I agree you have to just tell them that you want to spend Christmas at home with your family. Let them know that are more then welcome to come . And set up another time for a getaway for everyone.


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## evenow

Small update up top.


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## draconis

Thanks for the update, did it help make you feel a bit better?

draconis


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## evenow

draconis said:


> Thanks for the update, did it help make you feel a bit better?
> 
> draconis




I feel bad. I knew as soon as I said something he'd get angry. He took it as a personal attack against his family until I reminded him we had agreed previously to stay home. Then he felt angry, guilty and then angry cause he felt guilty (*sigh*).

He's really a sweet man. Even though he's technically in the right because I didn't remind him, he wants to get a tree for me and put some fake presents underneath. I know all our issues are really just my own problems and all of this just makes me blame myself more. I wish I could feel normal and just happy about something for a little while.

At least I'll get a tree for a few days.


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## draconis

Keep in mind this isn't about just you or "your problems". It underlines something bigger. By what I have read there is a communication gap in your marriage from both sides. You have take the burdens all yourself but at least your SO is willing to work with you. Once you start to communicate better I can really see your marriage being everything you want.

draconis


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## kajira

How is it your "fault" for not reminding him? That is where we, as woman, go wrong. yes, it is one thing to try and help but when did always become our responsiblity to "fix" everything and if something goes wrong it is our fault. Personally, I hate it when "they" forget. It devalues our conversations and makes me feel/think that I/we wern't valued enough to remember............


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## draconis

kajira said:


> How is it your "fault" for not reminding him? That is where we, as woman, go wrong. yes, it is one thing to try and help but when did always become our responsiblity to "fix" everything and if something goes wrong it is our fault. Personally, I hate it when "they" forget. It devalues our conversations and makes me feel/think that I/we wern't valued enough to remember............


You should not generalise as such because the false sigmas can go both ways and not all men are that way.

draconis


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## evenow

kajira said:


> How is it your "fault" for not reminding him?


Well, I guess I'm coming at it from the angle of "it's important to me and not to him."

If it were up to him we'd spend every day and night at his family's house. If it were up to me I'd spend every day and night away from them. 

Usually women are brought up with more social information I think. It's an assumption we'll take care of the home while the men go out and pay for it, i guess. I wasn't taught that way and neither was my hubby. He's usually the social calendar...which makes this kinda sad. For him to forget it means a lot more to me. It wasn't important to him.


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