# BF of 1 year + Ghosted me on Christmas Eve/Day and I guess we are over? How to cope



## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I am still in a bit of disbelief but I need some suggestions on how to deal with this situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together (long distance) for over a year. We would spend about 10 days a month together.

We have broken up several times (he dumped me over text typically) over the last few months mainly because he didn't like my tone or he I questioned something he didn't like. Typically it happened when he was drinking which was quite common.

We had planned to go on a New Year's trip this year and about a month ago (as we were planning it) he got mad and dumped me again. I had caught him in a lie and was kindly asking if we can both promise to work on ourselves and he said "I will not be called a liar and told me to **** off *****" and hung up and blocked me. 

Then, a couple of weeks later, he found out I was visiting his town to see some friends and he contacted me and we ended up back together.

During this time he apparently made other plans for NYE but told me that since we were back together he wanted to plan with me again. This was around the 20th of December. I had to undo my own plans/changes with my son and that took some negotiating with my ex husband who would need to switch AGAIN with me.

During this time, I told my BF I would let him know as soon as I could but I probably couldn't fly out until the 26th.
He came and stayed with me last weekend and told me he would never leave me again, he loved me, and wants to marry me. He was SORRY and he would never just dump me on a whim again. I forgave him and I thought all was solid. I told him at this time that I was not going to drink anymore and he was still drinking pretty steadily, so I think that also made him uncomfortable.
Well, he went home and he was preparing Christmas with his extended family and he asked me over and over when I could come. I said I was STILL waiting to hear firm details from my ex but I felt it was safe for me to leave on the 27th now and be gone until Jan 3. I told him this via phone on the night of the 23rd.
He blew up. He said I thought it was the 26th? I said I just can't leave my son until the morning of the 27th. I'm sorry. (He hadn't made ANY flights etc yet).

He said that I was dis-restful and he was extremely shocked that I was being so selfish and not apologizing for waiting so long to tell him this. I said I had to undo plans! I had traded when you dumped me last month and I have been trying!
He said I needed to apologize, that I'm acting insane and crazy and selfish.

I got off the phone and on Christmas Eve I texted him and said I've thought about it and I will not apologize. I need him to realize that his initial DUMPING me caused all of this and I'm trying my very best by giving him the date of the 27th. I said I can leave on the 27th.

I was straightforward in the text and said my son comes first and that's a non negotiable and I felt he was acting self absorbed for not recognizing this. I said "I'm not a puppet" ...but I've been acting like one.

Again, this was on Christmas Eve. He texted back "WOW" and never said another word.

Never called me on Christmas, never apologized.. apparently has no desire to go on a trip with me that he was pestering me about. And clearly, has no desire to be with me.

TLR. I know I shouldn't be hurt, but I am. Should I just remain no contact or should I send a goodbye text? I assume he is on a trip with someone else now after just a week ago telling me he loves me and wants to marry me.
He has a few of my belongings. Should I ask for them back? I am truly hurt. I don't want him to know that. But I feel so taken advantage of. I believed in him AGAIN.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It should take you about another 24 hours to realize how much better off you are now. I hate seeing these kinds of posts - where what is so completely obvious to absolutely everyone else, but you just cannot see because you are in the middle of it. 

He has done you a favor. Don't be rude by not accepting it.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Cletus said:


> It should take you about another 24 hours to realize how much better off you are now. I hate seeing these kinds of posts - where what is so completely obvious to absolutely everyone else, but you just cannot see because you are in the middle of it.
> 
> He has done you a favor. Don't be rude by not accepting it.


thank you. I realize that... but I am still suffering. I just find myself in shock, I guess.

Is it best to never contact him again? Block him? Or send a text or email telling him a piece of my mind? I want to blow up... how does someone do this to someone on CHRISTMAS???


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Cletus said:


> It should take you about another 24 hours to realize how much better off you are now. I hate seeing these kinds of posts - where what is so completely obvious to absolutely everyone else, but you just cannot see because you are in the middle of it.
> 
> He has done you a favor. Don't be rude by not accepting it.


QFT. Also he is probably on another trip because I think he's had another the whole time. He isn't just a self absorb prick. I think he's a cheater as well.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> thank you. I realize that... but I am still suffering. I just find myself in shock, I guess.
> 
> Is it best to never contact him again? Block him? Or send a text or email telling him a piece of my mind? I want to blow up... how does someone do this to someone on CHRISTMAS???


Block him. Never look back.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

redpandapanda2 said:


> thank you. I realize that... but I am still suffering. I just find myself in shock, I guess.
> 
> Is it best to never contact him again?


Yes


> Block him?


Yes


> Or send a text or email telling him a piece of my mind?


If you like, for your piece of mind, as long as you then immediately put his email address in your spam filter. You have both shown that you are susceptible to getting sucked back into a clearly toxic relationship. The only way to ensure that this doesn't happen again is to make it impossible. Stop following his social media accounts. Block his phone number. Make it impossible for him to contact you, or you will get reeled in again.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Block him. Never look back.


Thank you  I will. I just can't get believe it.. we went from talking dozens of times a day... to this.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> QFT. Also he is probably on another trip because I think he's had another the whole time. He isn't just a self absorb prick. I think he's a cheater as well.


Very possible! He had said when we broke up that he was planning to take his adult children to London... and I did hear him talking with them about it... so I believe that's true. But, he's probably got another woman lined up now.. you are right. I must stop being so naive...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do NOT contact him. Ever.

Until I read that you both have children, and adult children in his case, I felt the two of you must be very young for all this drama to occur regularly but obviously you’re not. You just don’t work together. You try and he treats you like a doormat. The Universe is saying “NO!!” Listen this time.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Do NOT contact him. Ever.
> 
> Until I read that you both have children, and adult children in his case, I felt the two of you must be very young for all this drama to occur regularly but obviously you’re not. You just don’t work together. You try and he treats you like a doormat. The Universe is saying “NO!!” Listen this time.


I know.. I should have taken the hint a long time ago.. I realize that and it wouldn't be as painful as it is right now.

but this is PRETTY DARN low... to ghost me on Christmas. I think he was trying to punish me for standing up to him on Christmas Eve. I texted him that I won't apologize around 1pm on Christmas Eve. His only response, as I mentioned was, "WOW".

And that was it... I know you are right. I have learned the lesson. But, it sure does hurt.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

My advice would be to completely take the focus off of him and put it on you. 

It will take some time for the emotions to run their course (like an addiction/habit), so you have to be willing to sit with the discomfort.

But you'd really do yourself a favor to stop dating for a long while and work on yourself. This was an extremely abusive, dysfunctional person, yet you kept engaging - long distance. So, to me, that means you were caught up in a fantasy.

There are reasons you're willing to accept this sort of behavior in your life. That's what you need to overcome.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Reading previous posts you seem to have a talent for attracting assholes. Your previous boyfriend was a real prize, he makes the latest guy seem normal. 
You need to work on yourself before you get involved with another man.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What he did is not at all surprising because it’s his pattern and as long as you continued to be with him that’s how it would go. Yes, you are hurt — and I’m sure he knows you are — because you believed in him and kept giving him chances he didn’t deserve. I think he will try to weasel back at some point. Don’t let him or you will be dealing with this forever.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

minimalME said:


> My advice would be to completely take the focus off of him and put it on you.
> 
> It will take some time for the emotions to run their course (like an addiction/habit), so you have to be willing to sit with the discomfort.
> 
> ...


Great suggestion. WHY did I put up with this for so long? WHY did I believe he would change when I knew better... I KNEW he was a wolf in sheep's clothing for the past 4 months, but I kept wishing it away. 

I must figure out what is so wrong with me... to give this piece of trash another ounce of attention.... and let him come here to visit me, have sex with me...promise to change and propose to me.. and then GHOST ME over a stupid change of a travel day...on CHRISTMAS. It's so brutally mean....


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> What he did is not at all surprising because it’s his pattern and as long as you continued to be with him that’s how it would go. Yes, you are hurt — and I’m sure he knows you are — because you believed in him and kept giving him chances he didn’t deserve. I think he will try to weasel back at some point. Don’t let him or you will be dealing with this forever.


I just want to scream at him.... and give him a piece of my mind. But, he's so self absorbed and such a narcissist I'm sure it would never sink in anyway. It would just be a waste of my energy..

And I think he sensed on this last trip that I was growing... and I sensed it was bothering him. At the root of everything, I think he's extremely insecure and was concerned I wasn't as into him..as I used to be. He actually said that at one point...and while I told him that wasn't true. I think it really was. I looked at him differently this time... because the last break up... him telling me to "FUC* off Bi*ch" really changed things for me. I couldn't believe he did that to me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I would suggest you take a very long break from dating and figure out why you think you deserve someone who treats you as badly as he has — not to mention the one before him who was even worse.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

thank you, @Openminded. 

I appreciate the advice. I just want to unload on him. Today is the day we were supposed to be leaving.... I had Christmas gifts etc for him. 

I am just stunned that it has come to this.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> thank you, @Openminded.
> 
> I appreciate the advice. I just want to unload on him. Today is the day we were supposed to be leaving.... I had Christmas gifts etc for him.
> 
> I am just stunned that it has come to this.


Well you could unload but you are just engaging him. As hard as it is the best revenge is to just stop giving him any attention and block him. This is especially good revenge for someone who thinks you just aren't into him enough.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

True. Best for me to let him think I'm just not that torn up because he's not good enough for ME. 

If I ghost him and don't engage it will continue that sentiment that I don't really care.. (even though this is extremely painful).

I think it's based on the fact that I can't BELIEVE someone could do something like this.. it's not even all that much about him... it's more about the HUGE slap in the face to someone he said he wanted to marry! 

I want to say WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU???



Anastasia6 said:


> Well you could unload but you are just engaging him. As hard as it is the best revenge is to just stop giving him any attention and block him. This is especially good revenge for someone who thinks you just aren't into him enough.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> True. Best for me to let him think I'm just not that torn up because he's not good enough for ME.
> 
> If I ghost him and don't engage it will continue that sentiment that I don't really care.. (even though this is extremely painful).
> 
> ...


Well you two seem to have a very disfunctional relationship and terrible communication. Do you think he really wanted to marry you or was upping the ante to get the attention he wanted or the rearrangement of your life for NYE he wanted? Some men use that as a bargaining chip kind of thing. YOu know they stay engaged for like 8 years because they never really wanted to get married.

In future relationships. Please don't engage in highly important conversations via text, so much is lost in that. Also don't be with anyone who continues to break up with you and then get back together. You too. If you are doing that then make up your mind. You either want someone or you don't. If you are breaking up with them to effect change that isn't good.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well you two seem to have a very disfunctional relationship and terrible communication. Do you think he really wanted to marry you or was upping the ante to get the attention he wanted or the rearrangement of your life for NYE he wanted? Some men use that as a bargaining chip kind of thing. YOu know they stay engaged for like 8 years because they never really wanted to get married.
> 
> In future relationships. Please don't engage in highly important conversations via text, so much is lost in that. Also don't be with anyone who continues to break up with you and then get back together. You too. If you are doing that then make up your mind. You either want someone or you don't. If you are breaking up with them to effect change that isn't good.



Unfortunately, I never broke up with him. He always did that to me. 

Also, this conversation about the trip was not via text. And I didn't call him the next day because talking to him is so volatile. 

He gets so mad and it really just makes me so anxious and I can't get a word in edgewise. That is why I texted him that I won't apologize. That I need him to recognize the real reason things had changed in the schedule in the first place and that I'm not a puppet.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Great suggestion. WHY did I put up with this for so long? WHY did I believe he would change when I knew better... I KNEW he was a wolf in sheep's clothing for the past 4 months, but I kept wishing it away.
> 
> I must figure out what is so wrong with me... to give this piece of trash another ounce of attention.... and let him come here to visit me, have sex with me...promise to change and propose to me.. and then GHOST ME over a stupid change of a travel day...on CHRISTMAS. It's so brutally mean....


People who are too tolerant and nice attract people who aren't tolerant and nice enough. It's time to sit down and make some boundaries and know early when someone doesn't act well and stop tolerating them then and not waste time with them. People will go to their lowest behavior level if someone will put up with it, people with bad ethics, that is. For whatever reason, I am guessing that you typically put up with a lot of small bad behavior and overlook it, thinking it's too little or petty to count as being bad behavior. This often happens when growing up, you were used to someone, a parent or sibling, who was bad to you at times and you developed certain patience and skills to put up with it as a child. So when you see it as an adult, it actually can make you feel comfortable with this person, familiar. 

The other scenario it happens is when you didn't have to put up with anything much when young and just can't conceive of the reality that some people will treat others like this because you have no background for it. 

Either way, you have to have enough self-respect and boundaries to cut these people loose once you know they behave badly toward you and expect you to just take it or do whatever they want. A nice person deserves another nice person, not someone they simply have it in them to put up with!


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> People who are too tolerant and nice attract people who aren't tolerant and nice enough. It's time to sit down and make some boundaries and know early when someone doesn't act well and stop tolerating them then and not waste time with them. People will go to their lowest behavior level if someone will put up with it, people with bad ethics, that is. For whatever reason, I am guessing that you typically put up with a lot of small bad behavior and overlook it, thinking it's too little or petty to count as being bad behavior. This often happens when growing up, you were used to someone, a parent or sibling, who was bad to you at times and you developed certain patience and skills to put up with it as a child. So when you see it as an adult, it actually can make you feel comfortable with this person, familiar.
> 
> The other scenario it happens is when you didn't have to put up with anything much when young and just can't conceive of the reality that some people will treat others like this because you have no background for it.
> 
> Either way, you have to have enough self-respect and boundaries to cut these people loose once you know they behave badly toward you and expect you to just take it or do whatever they want. A nice person deserves another nice person, not someone they simply have it in them to put up with!


Yes, I think he was just using this silent treatment as a punishment and trying to manipulate me. 

He's not happy that I stood up for myself and he tried to put me in my place. But, it's clear that he didn't get what he wanted... aka...I didn't come begging him. I didn't respond. 

Yes, I need to figure out why I am doing this to myself. Thank you for the advice.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I didn't read very much of your first post, didn't need to. As soon as you mentioned his habit of breaking up and his drinking that was all the info I needed. A guy like that will only cause you grief, over and over and over. 

Block him and burn any stuff of his you have. He doesn't even deserve the energy you would use to tell him off.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, I think he was just using this silent treatment as a punishment and trying to manipulate me.
> 
> He's not happy that I stood up for myself and he tried to put me in my place. But, it's clear that he didn't get what he wanted... aka...I didn't come begging him. I didn't respond.
> 
> Yes, I need to figure out why I am doing this to myself. Thank you for the advice.


Do not contact him and block his number across all formats and be done with him. It's too much silly upsetting drama between the two of you.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Do not contact him and block his number across all formats and be done with him. It's too much silly upsetting drama between the two of you.


I understand that is for the best I think it's going to take a little bit of time for me to get over the shock of this sincere slap in the face. But, I will block. 

Now, I just need to figure out why I'm so sad. I realize he doesn't deserve me or my kindness...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, you dodged a bullet.

Take it as win!!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I understand that is for the best I think it's going to take a little bit of time for me to get over the shock of this sincere slap in the face. But, I will block.
> 
> Now, I just need to figure out why I'm so sad. I realize he doesn't deserve me or my kindness...


When we break up with someone, a lot of times the loss we feel is because they weren't who we hoped they would be. We mourn that loss, not necessarily the real person that we found out wasn't that great.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Find someone closer to you. LDR's rarely workout in the long term. Ghost him and move on.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When we break up with someone, a lot of times the loss we feel is because they weren't who we hoped they would be. We mourn that loss, not necessarily the real person that we found out wasn't that great.



Yes, and probably the disappointment in myself for having held out hope for this person... that is just so wrong of me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, and probably the disappointment in myself for having held out hope for this person... that is just so wrong of me.


Just remember that the earlier on in a relationship, the better the behavior. It's not going to improve. They're not going to change for the better. Once they're tired of being someone they're not or trying to impress you, it's just going to go downhill. So once you start seeing unacceptable behavior, stop wasting time on them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He seems bi-colored, one half white, the other, red-ass mean.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are a giver and you attract users. At least he isn’t quite as bad as the previous one but he’s certainly bad enough to permanently walk away from.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You are a giver and you attract users. At least he isn’t quite as bad as the previous one but he’s certainly bad enough to permanently walk away from.


Yes, I enjoy giving and showing through actions...not just words. But, It is really tough to learn this painful lesson. I know I sound ridiculous, but I'm still stunned that today was the day we were to leave and there has been NOTHING.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it’s a very painful lesson. But after he’s decided he punished you sufficiently he will likely be back. Users keep using as long as they can. Better to learn that lesson now than down the road.


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

It's never easy, but he's done you a great service. He sounds like a massive d*ck. Do NOT reply back should he contact you again.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

You are right.. I know he is doing me a favor by walking away, but it's tough to absorb. Especially around this time of year. But, I get it. He's just a toxic influence. I need to start 2022 with a more promising future.

The way he left me so fast.. as someone else said, he probably already has someone else lined up.


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> The way he left me so fast.. as someone else said, he probably already has someone else lined up.


How he treated you spoke volumes of his character. It's tough in any case or time of year, but this was more of a blessing than anything else. It may hurt like hell, but at the end of the day, consider it a win - because you DON'T have to put up with his sh*t anymore. Find yourself someone that will treat you the way you deserve. Nothing less.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

The IT Guy said:


> How he treated you spoke volumes of his character. It's tough in any case or time of year, but this was more of a blessing than anything else. It may hurt like hell, but at the end of the day, consider it a win - because you DON'T have to put up with his sh*t anymore. Find yourself someone that will treat you the way you deserve. Nothing less.


That's true. And I'm sure that in HIS mind.. he's probably saying "if she wants to apologize she can do so then I will speak to her." Or.." she could have said Merry Christmas to me too... and she didn't. 

But, the last text came from me.. on Christmas Eve. If he had a desire to talk this out .. he would have followed up from the "wow". 

Pretty damn cold to ghost someone you want to MARRY ...on Christmas Day.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I understand that is for the best I think it's going to take a little bit of time for me to get over the shock of this sincere slap in the face. But, I will block.
> 
> Now, I just need to figure out why I'm so sad. I realize he doesn't deserve me or my kindness...


You're sad because you're hurt and disappointed. Humans are mysterious creatures, we can love someone even when we know they are bad for us, even when they hurt us. But we also have a high intelligence, sometimes we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Accept the fact that you have feelings for the guy, but keep reminding yourself how bad he is for you, how badly he treated you, how badly he hurt you. Let your brain handle this one.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Cooper said:


> You're sad because you're hurt and disappointed. Humans are mysterious creatures, we can love someone even when we know they are bad for us, even when they hurt us. But we also have a high intelligence, sometimes we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Accept the fact that you have feelings for the guy, but keep reminding yourself how bad he is for you, how badly he treated you, how badly he hurt you. Let your brain handle this one.


I just wanted him to be the guy he began the relationship as... he truly turned into a very different person.

I am just stunned tbh that he literally was ALL over me... telling me how much he loves me and wants to get engaged... and he will "always be there and take care of my son and me"....

To THIS? It's just a bit jarring to know someone can be such a cold liar....

especially on Christmas. 

Lesson learned, unfortunately.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I just wanted him to be the guy he began the relationship as... he truly turned into a very different person.
> 
> I am just stunned tbh that he literally was ALL over me... telling me how much he loves me and wants to get engaged... and he will "always be there and take care of my son and me"....
> 
> ...


In the beginning of relationships, the person you are seeing is trying to impress you and is often completely misleading you to do that and that's why you can't know who a person is for a couple of years. The longer you know a person, that is the true version of them, not the one when you first met. He never was that person.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I just wanted him to be the guy he began the relationship as... he truly turned into a very different person.
> 
> I am just stunned tbh that he literally was ALL over me... telling me how much he loves me and wants to get engaged... and he will "always be there and take care of my son and me"....
> 
> ...



This is why we date people on a noncommittal basis for for at least 4 seasons (figuratively) in order to get to know them and determine if they are a right match for us or not.

Anyone can be nice and charming and agreeable for a temporary period of time, especially if it is a long distance thing. 

But people’s true colors always come out eventually. 

Think of dating as an interview and tryout period to see if the candidate matches the job description. 

You got to know this guy and see his true colors. 

Cross him off the list and move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I've always said that you don't really know a person until you seen them when they're not getting their way. It's also helpful to see them in adverse situations and how they react to that.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your pain honey, I can hear it in your posts. I had goosebumps reading them because they remind me of my ex, and also how far I've come.

These types of relationships are often the hardest to break away from, he'll try to contact you in due time, but he won't be able to reach you because you will have BLOCKED HIM. On everything.

Please don't do this to yourself, understand that you're NOT grieving the man he is, but the man you _wish _he was. The two are very, very different.

Focus on your son, keep yourself busy and have no further contact. I promise you, you WILL get over this and you will be SO fine. I did and you know what? I will never let anyone treat me that way again.

Big love x


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I just wanted him to be the guy he began the relationship as... he truly turned into a very different person.
> 
> I am just stunned tbh that he literally was ALL over me... telling me how much he loves me and wants to get engaged... and he will "always be there and take care of my son and me"....
> 
> ...


Whatever he wanted from you, he got, in spades.

Now that his Ego has been stoked, his rubber thingy stroked, he is on to the next conquest.

Or, so it seems.....

He likely is still dating, you remain, doting.

Some humans engage smoothly, but grind the gears when disengaging.
They forget to push in the kindly, friction releasing clutch. 

Ah, if there is such a mechanism as this. 

Love cannot be turned on and off, at will.
It will not cooperate, nor should it.



_L-_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why would you stay with someone that has no respect for you?

That is so disrespectful of you?

That would speak to you like he did?

You can do better, forget he ever existed and get so IC. Then find a guy that actually has respect for you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> *I just wanted him to be the guy he began the relationship as... he truly turned into a very different person.*
> 
> I am just stunned tbh that he literally was ALL over me... telling me how much he loves me and wants to get engaged... and he will "always be there and take care of my son and me"....
> 
> ...


I believe the guy you met was a front. The guy you’re see now is the real person. There is a reason for the term silver tongue devil.

I have seen guys do this when I was younger. They would say all the right words and treat the girl like she was the only thing that matters. When it was just us guys they would talk about how she fell for it all basically. One in particular was sent to the Philippines for 3 months. The girl he was seeing in Japan for the past month or two kept coming by the barracks asking if and when he was going to be back. All the while he had moved in with a local girl where he was. He ignored the girl at the base completely when he got back. She really thought he cared about her. In reality, he only cared about himself and the next pretty face.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I have to say there are some real scumbags in this world.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I have to say there are some real scumbags in this world.


I had a therapy session and I am staying strong.

I thought this guy wouldn't have the NERVE to contact me but he sent me a love song on an email that I didn't realize he even had. He said he knew he was blocked on my text but he still loves me and when I "come to my senses" he will be there waiting!

He said I need to recognize my role in this and apologize and when I do that.. he will consider moving forward. 

HA! Is he THAT insane. YES apparently so! 

I am NOT responding. I blocked that email too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It was all too predictable that he would be back. In his view, he was only punishing you for your own good and now he wants you to apologize so he can forgive you. And punish you again the next time you displease him. He enjoys controlling you. He reminds me a lot of the previous one you were involved with. A long break from dating would benefit you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I had a therapy session and I am staying strong.
> 
> I thought this guy wouldn't have the NERVE to contact me but he sent me a love song on an email that I didn't realize he even had. He said he knew he was blocked on my text but he still loves me and when I "come to my senses" he will be there waiting!
> 
> ...


Block his email. Block every possible way he can try to pull your strings and keep you upset. He's a controlling idiot. Don't give him any encouragement by responding in any way other than blocking everything. You need to get this out of your life.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Block his email. Block every possible way he can try to pull your strings and keep you upset. He's a controlling idiot. Don't give him any encouragement by responding in any way other than blocking everything. You need to get this out of your life.


Yep! 

He told me in the email the reason he was so upset and didn't reply to my text saying I would't apologize....and ended up ghosting me on Christmas is because I cited the fact that the reason the plans changed for my son's schedule was because of him dumping me the month before and telling me to "F off" 

He said in this email "you keep bringing up the past and you can't get past the drama and I'm sick of it and I didn't reply because you should know better than to try to be mean and bring up past problems"

UMMMMM It was the basis of WHY plans changed! And he clearly just wants to pretend that he is faultless and I'm never allowed to bring up the past... 

whatever...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Depending on how much of a stalker he wants to be, he may create many new email addresses to contact you with. He never intended to let go. He just wanted to put you in your place.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yep!
> 
> He told me in the email the reason he was so upset and didn't reply to my text saying I would't apologize....and ended up ghosting me on Christmas is because I cited the fact that the reason the plans changed for my son's schedule was because of him dumping me the month before and telling me to "F off"
> 
> ...


Because he's never wrong. That's why the only thing you can do with a person like this is just block them. There's no way to make any progress with them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Great suggestion. WHY did I put up with this for so long? WHY did I believe he would change when I knew better... I KNEW he was a wolf in sheep's clothing for the past 4 months, but I kept wishing it away.
> 
> I must figure out what is so wrong with me... to give this piece of trash another ounce of attention.... and let him come here to visit me, have sex with me...promise to change and propose to me.. and then GHOST ME over a stupid change of a travel day...on CHRISTMAS. It's so brutally mean....


Wolf in sheep's clothing? More like a mangy, flea-ridden cur. 









You are best off without him.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I just wanted him to be the guy he began the relationship as... he truly turned into a very different person.
> 
> I am just stunned tbh that he literally was ALL over me... telling me how much he loves me and wants to get engaged... and he will "always be there and take care of my son and me"....
> 
> ...


He never was this person. He was just wearing the mask he puts on for the hunt. He is searching for women he can dominate and abuse emotionally. Don't be that person.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> That's true. And I'm sure that in HIS mind.. he's probably saying "if she wants to apologize she can do so then I will speak to her." Or.." she could have said Merry Christmas to me too... and she didn't.
> 
> But, the last text came from me.. on Christmas Eve. If he had a desire to talk this out .. he would have followed up from the "wow".
> 
> Pretty damn cold to ghost someone you want to MARRY ...on Christmas Day.


He didn’t want to marry you. Future faked you have been. Into your britches was all he was after. Gotta realize that.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think you dodged a bigger bullet than you realize. The fact he ghosted you as punishment is very very telling, now I see it as both controlling and abusive. People like that are never satisfied you have suffered enough so will always be looking for more hurtful ways of punishing. Emotional punishment, financial punishment, isolation, even physical abuse, they no know bounds when it comes to hurting.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Cooper said:


> I think you dodged a bigger bullet than you realize. The fact he ghosted you as punishment is very very telling, now I see it as both controlling and abusive. People like that are never satisfied you have suffered enough so will always be looking for more hurtful ways of punishing. Emotional punishment, financial punishment, isolation, even physical abuse, they no know bounds when it comes to hurting.



Yes, he def wanted to hurt me and punish me. He emailed from another email today and said he realized that he was blocked on my text...and that he loves me. Doesn't want to live without me... and he did want to marry me and still does.

He said that the was waiting for ME to contact him on Christmas because my last text seemed angry.

WHATEVER!!!!!!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, he def wanted to hurt me and punish me. He emailed from another email today and said he realized that he was blocked on my text...and that he loves me. Doesn't want to live without me... and he did want to marry me and still does.
> 
> He said that the was waiting for ME to contact him on Christmas because my last text seemed angry.
> 
> WHATEVER!!!!!!!!


Listen every abusive man on Earth says they're sorry. It doesn't mean a freaking thing. They only get worse with age. Block his other email. If it's an unknown email then don't open it. He's totally gaslighting you now. He's trying to convince you that this whole thing is your fault AFTER he already admitted what he did and why. He must think you're the stupidest person on Earth. And of course the only person who would stay with him is the stupidest person on Earth.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Listen every abusive man on Earth says they're sorry. It doesn't mean a freaking thing. They only get worse with age. Block his other email. If it's an unknown email then don't open it. He's totally gaslighting you now. He's trying to convince you that this whole thing is your fault AFTER he already admitted what he did and why. He must think you're the stupidest person on Earth. And of course the only person who would stay with him is the stupidest person on Earth.


Thank you for pointing that out. This is a clear example that I must be wise and STAY AWAY. I would be INSANE to ever go back. It's bad enough I went back to him previously... but this just keeps getting worse and worse.

I mean, what is even left to salvage? I have zero trust that he won't play this game again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You didn't bow before him, which enraged him. Why was he divorced? Controlling behaviour, perhaps? Just a random thought.

Incidentally, your name intrigues me. I'm currently trying to teach our African Grey Parrot to learn a Red Panda call.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Don't expect him to just go away, guys like him don't like to lose. I would bet he will soon show up at your home, don't answer the door if it's him, call the police. You may not think he is dangerous but desperate people do stupid things so don't trust him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, he def wanted to hurt me and punish me. *He emailed from another email today* and said he realized that he was blocked on my text...and that he loves me. Doesn't want to live without me... and he did want to marry me and still does.
> 
> He said that the was waiting for ME to contact him on Christmas because my last text seemed angry.
> 
> WHATEVER!!!!!!!!


Ok, he's not going to stop. Unfortunately, if you're serious about sticking with no contact, you're going to need to create yourself a new email address. In your current one, you can set up auto forwarding for selected people, if you get important emails, otherwise just shut it down and make a new one. You can always import your contacts (minus his) and send out a mass email with your new address.

Don't get sucked back in.



DownByTheRiver said:


> *Listen every abusive man on Earth says they're sorry. It doesn't mean a freaking thing. They only get worse with age.* Block his other email. If it's an unknown email then don't open it. He's totally gaslighting you now. He's trying to convince you that this whole thing is your fault AFTER he already admitted what he did and why. *He must think you're the stupidest person on Earth.* And of course the only person who would stay with him is the stupidest person on Earth.


QFT. Read this over and over.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Ok, he's not going to stop. Unfortunately, if you're serious about sticking with no contact, you're going to need to create yourself a new email address. In your current one, you can set up auto forwarding for selected people, if you get important emails, otherwise just shut it down and make a new one. You can always import your contacts (minus his) and send out a mass email with your new address.
> 
> Don't get sucked back in.
> 
> ...


I think he will stop now that he realizes that I am not responding. In the past, I got sucked back in within the first email or 2 from him.. not today. 

He knows that I'm done. I can see him trying again down the road... but my bet is he will stop for now. Time will tell.

But yeah, he must think I am pretty damn stupid to fall for his crap yet again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I think you dodged a bigger bullet than you realize. The fact he ghosted you as punishment is very very telling, now I see it as both controlling and abusive. People like that are never satisfied you have suffered enough so will always be looking for more hurtful ways of punishing. Emotional punishment, financial punishment, isolation, even physical abuse, they no know bounds when it comes to hurting.


Absolutely. I mean how DARE you stand up to him and not do what he wants. 😲🤔


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm a little late to the party and am a fan of evening scores... my advice is probably a little different.

I would reach out and see if he wants to met you at a restaurant, pick one that is good and far (like hours ) from where he lives. Act like you will meet him there... when he gets there and asks where you are, just tell him you never actually planned to go and "Merry Christmas".

That will be your last memory of him, and you can always smile when you think about that.


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