# Anxiety is making me question everything I know



## aangelone1

I'm not married but this is the only place I saw about anxiety, depression, and relationships and how each is affected.

Since having anxiety, I do a 180 and question everything I know to be true, especially with those I care most about and my boyfriend, Ken. 

Just a little info on the situation:

I'm under a lot of stress. I'm in an international Long distance relationship with an absolutely wonderful, supporting boyfriend, who is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm a junior in college and I feel lost here...I don't feel comfortable in this school and I felt that way before I left for Australia, where I met my boyfriend. I especially don't feel that way now. I was so happy in Australia and felt extremely comfortable and welcomed. I felt like I could relax and be myself. 

Flash forward to now being back home in Boston, I have daily anxiety...feel emotionally numb a lot of them time except for tears and frustrating emotions. I can't feel love for my boyfriend and I KNOW that I do. When we are together, I am calm, peaceful, and I feel whole. I don't have this anxiety like I do now. He knows I have all of this anxiety and I've explained it to him and he's still soo supportive and he's hanging in there with me, encouraging me constantly.

I get anxiety when I can't feel love because I start freaking out like "DWhat if I don't love my boyfriend? What does this mean? Am I not supposed to be with him?..." It makes me want to crawl into a hole but I don't want to because I love him so much and I refuse to give up on the best thing that has EVER happened to me. I don't know how I got so lucky to find him.

I get anxiety whenever a thought of any other guy comes into my head. Moreso if they're guy friends or something. It's like...not romantic at all. This past week or so it's been the thought of one guy friend in particular who I ahven't talked to in about 2 months. In fact, I haven't really talked to him but like 4 times since I've met my boyfriend...before I started dating my boyfriend when we were just friends. Like...we only really talked for a couple of weeks. We shared a lot but it was mostly our issues and stuff with life...like with him he had really bad issues with his girlfriend and it was a lot of negative stuff. All of the information I've shared with him I've since shared with my boyfriend so it's not like...he's the only one who knows or anything. For example, he would send me a message on fb chat like "I hate her" and I would try to make him feel better. We only really talked in person a few times and most of those times were after I asked him if he wanted to talk because he sounded SOO depressed and worried me. He reminded me a lot about myself emotionally.

Lately he's been the Automatic negative thought that keeps popping into my head. like not romantic...just like his face here and there and this gives me anxiety and gets me going with the "What does this mean? Why am I thinking about him? DOes this mean I don't love my boyfriend...etc."

I've been a little bit better at calming myself down but it seems like because I don't want to think about it, it sort of associates itself to every single thing I think and that gives me anxiety. like I woke up with anxiety yesterday and I had a an image of trees and such in my head and for some reason that was associated with him, it's ridiculous. I'm willing to admit that there probably is something about him that does fascinate me and possibly attract me but that doesn't change the fact that I love my boyfriend and want to be happy with him. It's hard when we're apart, you know? And I know that I perpetuate the thoughts myself sometimes. I can be fine and not thinking about it at all and then it's like I notice that I'm not anxious and my mind will go "Oh good, you're not thinking about it." which just brings it back into my mind. It's hard because I don't have these thoughts with my boyfriend. I didn't start feeling anxiety until about a month before I left for home and that should tell you that I was really stressed about going back. I spent an amazing week with him before coming home and I could feel love then and I've felt love since. Just I'm getting so overwhelmed and I feel like my emotional good days are less than the bad days lately and I am constantly plagued with questions and it's just frustrating. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be able to feel the love and affection that I know that I have for my boyfriend.


After going to counseling and talking to my therapist about this, I've sort of realized that I put tougher restrictions and expectations on myself than everyone else in the world. Like, I feel guilty or like I am cheating on my boyfriend when a thought of another guy, even an unromantic one, comes to my mind when both my boyfriend and I have talked about how it's absolutely normal to find other people we meet to be attractive, whether it be physically or emotionally in some way. I mean, of course we're going to have thoughts about other people from time to time...it's just a part of life. It happens. We can't control it. And yet...I try to stop myself for some reason. So of course, because I stop it...I think of it more, like my guy friend who I probably am fascinated by or have some sort of emotional connection to. But it;s like...ridiculous. I mean...I don't expect the anxious thoughts to go away right away after i've realized this but I will continue to work with it, you know?

This is the first real serious relationship I've been in (I'm 20, young but old enough I think) and the first time I've been in love. I guess I'm learning as I am going and it is more difficult as I don't know what to expect or whatever and the long distance does add a lot of stress on my life. The thing is...I KNOW I love him. It just seems like there's a disconnect between my head and my heart lately. Be it hormone levels or stress levels causing it...it's frustrating. The sort of emotional stunting or whatever that I'm experiencing has escalated as my stress has escalated. I just hope that as I sort out my issues and calm down with anxiety that I'll be able to feel more like myself and feel the full breadth of my emotions, just not the negative ones, you know? I mean, when I'm not feeling anxious I feel fine and my thoughts are a lot more consistent, rational, and logical...but holy crap when I start feeling anxious I question EVERYTHING...like what if years down the line I'm not meant to be with my boyfriend? The fact remains that things might not work out in the long run but that shouldn't stop me from enjoying our time together now and I KNOW this but the thought of being without him scares me so when I'm anxious and I feel like i'm cheating on him, I can't feel the love I know I have for him, and I question if just ending things with one of the most important people in the world to me would make my anxiety go away, like a fix or something. I know it's not. 

Oh I know for a full fact that my mind is playing tricks on me. I also know that feelings of love, as strong as I feel for my boyfriend, just don't go away overnight which what I felt like happened as my anxiety got bad. I'll get it back again, I hope. I just want to start to feel again. 

I still talk to my boyfriend every day and I still carry on as usual...there's just not always that extra twinge, like the warm, butterfly feeling which he gives me. I generally feel at peace, calm, and whole when I am with him so to be so upset, disrupted, and not whole right now I'm sure has something to do with it.

I try breathing techniques and binaural beats. They help a bit but I still feel like I'm emotionally numb and withdrawn from all the stress I've placed on myself.

Sorry for this rant.


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## turnera

If you're asking for advice, well, you won't like what I have to say. You're 20. You have a LOT of living to do yet, before you finish changing and maturing. I don't think most relationships that start when the people are younger than 24-25 will work out. Why? Because both of you are still changing, still deciding what you believe in, what you want out of life. If you stay determined to be with this person, no matter what, but then start realizing that what YOU believe in or want doesn't match up with what HE wants (for instance, where to live), what happens? What happens is that ONE of you has to give up something. And what happens when you give up something, for the sake of someone else? You RESENT that person, whether you want to, or not. And resentment is a KILLER for a relationship, eventually.

As for the other boys and your thoughts...you are going through that because you're only 20! It is normal for someone your age to wonder, to want to date and flirt and be flirted with. It feels good. It kicks up the chemicals in your brain that are supposed to be stimulated at your age.

My advice is to tell your boyfriend that you need to concentrate on school until you graduate; can you be friends until then, and then see where life takes you? For now, concentrate on YOURSELF. Learning, growing, thinking, accomplishing things...become comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to have a guy liking you to be complete; God made you, so you are worthy, all by yourself. Be glad with that. 

And give yourself time to decide who you are. Finish college. Start your career. Have fun, date, go out with people and experience life. Somewhere along the way, you'll meet the right guy, and he'll be ok with who you have become (and hopefully live in the same city as you), and you'll get more serious. Maybe even with your boyfriend from Australia. 

But for now, just be yourself.


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## mablanscet

Alright so I actually registered for this site after seeing your post and felt like i needed to respond to it. So here is my rant.

I have been going through the exact same thing as you. Me and my gf have been dating for 2 years, it is a long distance relationship, and i have been in depression and anxiety for almost the entire time of our relationship. And i go through the same things that you are. Days where you are crazy in love with them then the next day you are scared to death becuase you feel like you dont love them anymore. It was interesting reading your post becuase of how i felt like i could relate.

I guess the advice I have gotten from close friends and councelors is that the things that you think are all in your head and it is lies. What makes it hard is that to me, sometimes it feels like what your brain is telling you is how it should be and your actual life feels like the lie. Its wierd. But i have been told numerous times that it is depression and anxiety getting to me and i need to figure out how to control it.

The fact is that my gf is perfect for me. Others have seen it and said it. She builds me up, is obviously crazy for me, and fits everything that I look for in a future wife. THis is all what makes it even more frustrating that these random thoughts are going through my head.

And as far as other people, i go through a guilt trip every time i talk to other girls. It feels like icant have any friendships with another girl becuase my mind tries to tell me its wrong or that Im more interested in them than my gf. It is just another factor that makes me second guess my relationship, a relationship that is better than any other.

I guess my point in all this is to say your not alone. Its nice to hear that someone else is going through it too and your not the only one. Make sure to stay busy and keep from getting into any routine. I have found that a rountine week makes me depressed more and i just drown in my own thoughts. It is like you said... your heart and your head just arent connected fully. I know I am suppose to end up with this girl but I want my head to be cooperative whenever I make the next step and right now its completely opposite. Guess we just got to stick with it and know that depression and anxiety can be dealt with and rid of! Hope this helps.


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## Nekko

Uhm, is your issue perhaps low self esteem? This sounds like you don't trust your own decision. It has nothing to do with your partners. 
Those automatic thoughts are choices, not facts, not reality. Along the lines of 'hey, you sure you wanna do this?' a confident person will then think 'hell yes'. (this refers to the 'internal dialogue most of us have, specially when depressed or anxious). A low self esteem person will think 'omg, if i'm questioning this it might mean it's not right' or 'why am i thinking this?'. Just how some people have sexual fantasies and because they don't have self trust, wonder if they'll eventually end up wanting to make them reality, and other more confident people know fantasies are just for fun and they don't want that in real life, or do want that in real life. But they know for a fact what they are feeling and want. Building more trust in you and your own decissions (and getting to think that your choices and decissions are correct and responsible) will help a lot i think.


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## cmain09

OMG! You do not know how happy I am to read this thread! I thought I was the only one who felt this way!! I know I love my fiance but my anxiety is so strong its like I cant feel the love.. but my heart tells me that I love him but then I keep doubting myself about it.. but I know hes the right one for me.. I doubt everything... Its like a just say to myself why am I thinking this way?? Omg that means this isnt the right thing.. then I panic and then I get sick.. bc I know it is the right thing but its just like my brain wont stop doubting everything I do and every decision I make!!! I think its that I have low self esteem... 
But I can just tell you that I relate...


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## bunbun

I feel the same way and find some comfort knowing that others have the exact thoughts, doubts, emotions as I do. I have been married for 13 years and have suffered from anxiety/depression on and off since my mom died 5 years ago. I am going through a rough time where I question my love for my husband...i KNOW he is the man for me and I love him, but still I have all these doubts that pop into my head. What if's. Again like others have said it feels like my head and heart have disconnected in some way. After reading what others say, I believe for the most part that this is anxiety and depression talking. We all sound very anxious over this, like this is NOT something we want to be feeling. I hate feeling this way. Have any of you gotten better..? Have your feelings come back?


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## CWAL91011

I have been engaged for almost exactly one month now. The first two weeks I was in absolute heaven. The past two weeks I have been consumed with doubts and fears and anxiety. I feel like no one understands and no one can tell me the answer. I feel frozen, unable to make a decision to leave and unable to think about the wedding without feeling stone cold fear. Even at the times when I am happy about the wedding I have a huge lump in my throat that will not dissipate. I feel like Im losing my mind and I have been thinking in circles. I am questioning everything that I have ever thought about love and relationships and I am so confused. I had been longing for an engagement for months and I thought this would be a time of pure happiness. I know that I love my fiance deeply. The thought of leaving him behind makes me miserable. I used to wake up every morning excited to be lying next to him. Now that I have the ring on my finger I wake up terrified to be waking up in the same bed, every day for the rest of my life. Does anyone have any kind of insight on this, or any similar stories to share? I am so confused. :scratchhead:


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## turnera

How old are you?


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## bunbun

I am 35. Why do you ask?

Ooops, sorry I thought you were asking me!


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## CWAL91011

I am 24


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## turnera

Then you won't like what I say. You are too young to get married. That's why your mind is playing war with you. You've been raised like all other girls to dream of getting married. So it's a major goal for you. But as you age, you experience more and realize that there is more to life than just getting married.

Just because you're engaged doesn't mean you have to get married in the next 3 or 5 years.


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## Roderic

The situation you find yourself in is, for me, reversed. I am the long-distance husband whose wife is feeling as you are. She suffers from low self esteem and she has a minor history of depression with a little self harm. There are also medical reasons to believe that her body chemistry is out of balance. She now questions her love for me after 19 wonderful years together and she has fled 5000 miles to the family of an internet friend in order to 'find herself.' She is disabled and needs daily care. She felt an urgent need for greater independence, which I support, but she has exchanged dependence on me for an even greater dependence on a small group of strangers.

My question is, before I finally crack up, what could your boyfriend do that would influence your feelings and clarify your thoughts?


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## turnera

You didn't ask me, but of course I have advice, lol! The first thing you need to do, Roderic, is ask yourself what about YOU made her want to leave you? Focus on this, and get the truth.

There's a questionnaire you can send her from marriagebuilders.com called the Love Buster questionnaire. If she fills it out, it will tell you what YOU did that pushed her away. You need to know, so you can stop doing it.

That's Step #1.


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## kahlan

I have been looking for someone for months who has a similar problem! First of all, I'd like to say that I have worked through this a previous time and am almost through it again, so there is hope.
My husband and I met a little over six years ago. My husband was in the military at the time and 1,100 miles away. We began talking on the phone and became friends very quickly and eventually boyfriend/girlfriend. He's the first guy I did anything with including kiss. We saw each other once every 1 to 2 months. Around 10 months into our relationship (shortly after we started having sex) I began to experience anxiety. I started questioning our relationship and doubting that I ever cared for him. I went through this for almost a year. He was very supportive and stuck with me (obviously). I hated myself. I thought that I had used him all this time. That I didn't really love him at all. I felt so selfish.
I began taking an anti-depressant about 10 months after the anxiety started. It helped tremendously.
A few months later, he was out of the military and we moved in together. And then shortly after that we were engaged. And almost a year ago we were married. 
Shortly after we got married I began to feel very anxious again. Although this time there was a good reason for it. I became confused about my sexuality and was afraid to tell him for a few months. Since then I have realized that I am bisexual, but with a slightly higher sexual preference for women and a mcuh higher romantic preference for men. But as anyone can see this could be a very confusing time in a person's life. I began questioning everything again. I doubted if I really loved my husband. My anxiety was worse than ever. I began having thoughts of hurting him and others that would make me sick to my stomach. I could not stop my mind from racing. I kept thinking of any little thing I could have done in the past that would upset my husband. Something as simple as I was attracted to another man. Or I fantasized about what it would be like to be with so and so on occasion when I saw so and so. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I lost 15 pounds easily. 
I went to a pyschiatrist and started taking another anti-depressant and have been on the mend since.
So what's to learn from all this? First of all, its obvious that I had valid reasons to be anxious. I had very unrealistic views of relationships and marriage. I believed the lies my mother and Disney told me. I would grow up and meet that guy and I would just know and we would live happily ever after. When I first met my husband I was not infatuated with him nor did I find him to be very attractive. Not ugly of course, but not the best looking guy. This caused a lot of confusion for me. I had spent many years having crushes on guys and being completed infatuated with them and there I was with a guy who I was not infatuated with. I thought I had screwed up my destiny to be with "the one."
When it comes to marriage I thought (and still have trouble with) being an individual. I still feel like I have to tell my husband everything. EVERYTHING! I also feel like if I look at another man that I am doing something wrong. That I am taking away from our marriage. And I won't feel better until I tell him. I feel bad for writing on this blog because instead of going to him (even though he knows everything) I am going to strangers and when he gets home from work tonight I will have to tell him. 
When it comes to anxiey, here's what I have learned. Its a cycle. You have anxiety because you are unsure and have low self-esteem, but you are unsure and have low self-esteem because you have anxiety. Professionals have told me that I feel anxiety because I need to make a choice, but how can I make a choice if I can't calm down! 
Here's the key: Your brain will continue to go to thoughts that create a strong emotional reaction. It doesn't matter what kind of emotion it is as long as its strong. So it you think to yourself "Do I love my boyfriend?" and feel intense anxiety your brain will continue to go back to that thought. The key is to not have a strong emotional reaction. I know its hard, but it works. I have done it. This is why professionals and others tell you to ignore your anxious thoughts. Although it would have been f-ing nice for them to tell you why! How can I ignore having thoughts of hurting my husband? The thing is that just because you have a thought does not mean it is true. The human mind is capable of so many things. 
I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel like your mind is trying to tell you something when you question your relationship. My advice here is that relationships are all about choice. You are not destined to be with anyone. You could be with lots of people. Love is something that develops over time and is dependent on the people involved. As you get to know someone and share yourself with them and they with you, you begin to care for one another. Of course there has to be that initial attraction whether it be friendship, infatuation or physical or all 3. But once you chose to be with someone it is up to the two of you to keep the love growing. So when you wonder if you really love your boyfriend try not to have strong anxiety reaction to that question and remember that love choice not destiny. 
Also, sometimes you are not going to feel strong love for the person you are with. That does not mean you do not love them. This is common in any relationship. For example, do you always feel love for your mother? Probably not. Sometimes I love my husband so much I cry, but other times I feel barely anything. He feels the same way and I think if people are honest with themselves they feel the same way too.

Tunera- You are giving really pratical advice, but it doesn't sound like you understand much about anxiety. You could be right that aangelone1 is questioning so much because she is young, but adding anxiety into the mix makes the situation different. Also, people can be ready to get married at any age depending on the individual. Although I do agree with you that when it comes to young ladies, they are raised to believe they are supposed to get married. But anyway, your advice is very good for someone without anxiety, but I suggest that if you don't know much about anxiety it would be best not to give advice to someone who does. It can just make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Make them feel guilty. You have to approach anxiety from a different angle. Kinda from the side instead of directly like your advice suggest.

Tunera and Roderic-If your wife is experiencing anxiety you probably didn't do anything to push her away. The best thing you can do for her is not get angry, upset or take it personal. First find out what the real problem is (depression, anxiety, etc). Then find out any information you can give her about her illness. If she does have anxiety DO NOT give her rational reason to be with you like we've been together for 19 years because for ever rational reason you give her to be with you she will come up with a rational reason to not be with you. Its all about choice! My husband made this mistake with me the first time I experienced anxiety. It just made me question more and made me feel guilty and selfish. 

Just so you know, my husband does not make me tell him anything. He wishes for my sake that I did not feel like I have to tell him everything. He tells me not to tell him things. He never judges me or gets angry. He just says ok. Besides my anxiety, we have a really good relationship.
I think I will make a post myself about how I feel guilty all time so I would appreciate if anyone could give me advice on a different thread. Keep a look out for that post. I don't want to take up someone else's.
Sorry this is so long, but I hope it helps!


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## justsomeguy

I'm glad I saw this thread. I'm pretty sure I've got the same thing going on. :/

Sometimes brains suck.


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## turnera

Actually, kahlan, I believe that her anxiety is one of the main reasons she shouldn't be married. She needs time to spend on herself, becoming a successful independent woman _on her own_ without hinging all her decisions on whether they are right for this or that relationship. 

She needs to KNOW herself. If she can become more centered, she will feel more empowered to tackle the anxiety issue. But if you throw a guy in the mix, she immediately puts half of herself on reserve, for taking care of the man and the marriage. It's just what we do.

Plus, she's only 20. She has a LOT of changing to do in the next few years. New experiences, new struggles, newfound strengths and interests and hates...she needs to find out who she is in the face of - and the aftermath of - all these things. 

Many young women think having a man makes them stronger; it often, however, weakens them because they become Givers, like she is explaining. Which means she is already losing the real 'her' she is destined to be, because she puts the real her on the backburner to ensure H is happy, both families are happy, everyone's expectations are met...

Worrying about only herself - for now - can only help her anxiety issues.


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## Roderic

kahlan said:


> Tunera and Roderic-If your wife is experiencing anxiety you probably didn't do anything to push her away. The best thing you can do for her is not get angry, upset or take it personal. First find out what the real problem is (depression, anxiety, etc). Then find out any information you can give her about her illness. If she does have anxiety DO NOT give her rational reason to be with you like we've been together for 19 years because for ever rational reason you give her to be with you she will come up with a rational reason to not be with you. Its all about choice! My husband made this mistake with me the first time I experienced anxiety. It just made me question more and made me feel guilty and selfish.


That is certainly more the way I feel about my wife, kahlan, and I have been saying that it is crazy after 19 years. Certainly, my wife is anxious & depressed, and also explained recently how little she thought of herself. This astounded me as she is so lovely, confident, outgoing & popular with just about everyone. She was bullied for several years from age 11 and this seems to have had a lasting effect that I was unaware of. In addition, she has suffered from fibromyalgia for 15 years and spends time in a wheelchair. She takes morphine and a whole lot of other drugs and now she has signs of liver damage which could easily be affecting her metabolism. She is just 40 years old and I am begining to think that midlife transition is also playing a part and she does exhibit many of the basic symptoms. All in all, she has a complex mix of influences which has caused her to take flight for the sake of her independence and her sanity, having 'found' that has no feelings for me after all this time. Ours has been the idyllic relationship with never a cross word and everyone I tell is shocked. She has also formed a 'platonic' relationship with a guy who is involved in the internet game in which she has become heavily involved. This is very dangerous as it is to his parents' home that she has fled to 'think' her way out of trouble She tells me that she has pushed me to the limit, appreciates my support and intends to return my love 1000-fold. But I know she will not think her way out of this and we both need expert intervention. The prospect of it being pre-empted by her 'platonic' friend is destroying me and I can do little to influence it at 5000 miles in another continent. If I cannot find a route to her soon, there will be nothing left for her to return to.


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## kahlan

Tunera- aangelone1 is not talking about marriage yet. She's just in a relationship. I agree with you that it takes people through their 20's to getting a better grip on who they are, what they want and feel comfortable with themselves, but there is no reason a person cannot do that in a relationship. As a matter of fact, if the relationship is healthy I think its better that way. Relationships are about compromising. If a person enters a relationship and bases decisions soley on what is best for the relationship that's not healthy. A person needs to make decisions based on what's best for themselves first. And if their partner is not okay with that then that's a problem. 

Women do tend to become givers in relationships, but that doesn't have to be and isn't always the case. I did not sense from angel that she was a giver. It sounds like her and her boyfriend have a good relationship minus the anxiety. She is very open with him about her issues which is great. If she was the typical woman giver she would hide these emotions from him. Also, what can she really give to him right now? He's in Australia. 

Definitely agreed that worrying about herself is the best option. It maybe good for them to take a break like you suggest until she gets over this anxiety episode.

As for the relationship causing the anxiety that would be up to angel to decide. Anxiety is a problem on its own. For example, I experience anxiety in all aspects of my life, but its worse with my relationship. But I did have one episode that had nothing to do with a relationship that lasted about 3 or 4 months. If she breaks up with him now she will feel even worse. Trust me. I made this mistake. I was such a mess that I could not stop crying. I would cry anywhere, anytime. And my anxiety did not go away, it got worse. But a break helped us. 

If she feels like the relationship defines her as you suggest than that is a problem, but she didn't come off that way. 

Roderic- I agree that you need some expert intervention. And I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're right, if something does not happen to help you it could be the end. I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

It sounds like she is telling you that she is planning to come back home when she is ready and better, but you think that won't happen. I agree with you. You cannot help her or work on your relationship with her when she is 5000 miles away. You can not get expert intervention either. Ask your wife to come back home. Maybe she could stay with a friend or relative that is close to where you live. Explain to her that you don't think you'll be able to work it out when she is so far away and being influenced by another man. Once again, do not get angry or upset with her. This will only increase her anxiety. If you do get angry, don't feel guilty. A person can only take so much. You have to be able to express yourself too. 

You said in your first post that she questions her love for you. Explain to her that if she loved you once she can love you again. Love never goes away. It either grows or gets less and less over time, but will never fully go away.  Its up to the two of you to make it grow, but you can only do that when you try. She just may not feel the love as strongly as she has in the past, but that can change.


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## Roderic

I know what you says makes sense, kahlan, but it is so difficult to implement. The journey that my wife underwent to flee, involved three flights and took 20 hours - in acute pain, in a wheelchair and all alone. It will be some time before she is able to make a similar return journey as recovery is very slow. In the meantime, other forces are at play. Just before she left, it did occur to find her a place to stay nearer to home, and she was open to that suggestion, but it was too little too late. We live in Greece and to find English speaking counsellors here is all but impossible. I have suggested to her that love is a matter of choice, but she has not fully accepted that and she firmly believes that she has tried to recover her love. The word 'try', she now finds insulting. I know that her love is the victim of all these forces and we have enjoyed so much love in the past that I am certain our marriage is salvagable. Living in Greece, we have talked at length about 'eros', 'agape', & 'filial' love, but the distinctions seem to go unacknowledged.

Apart from one or two brief outbursts, I have, at least in the last three weeks we were together, always been committed to us, and have been gentle & patient. I even helped her pack & took her to the airport. This is why she thanked me in the note she left behind. She says that she loves me for loving her so much and she recognises that I have dedicated my life to her for so long. I am so in love with her and, at the moment, everything I hold dear is in danger from internal & external forces. I feel so helpless. Today is the first day she has not contacted me, blaming storms for the loss of wireless signals where she is staying. I have checked the weather reports and there has been nothing. One of our problems is that I believe what she tells me, but the signs are often different. Invariably, she has been proved to be telling the truth. I have learned that I must trust her implicitly, but it is difficult when little things like weather reports tell you something else. I am so confused.

I will certainly suggest that she returns as soon as possible to Greece, but to mention the other man's influence will raise the issue of mistrust again - a step too far perhaps when her situation is so delicately poised.


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## bunbun

Kahlan, thank you for your post. I really think you hit the nail on the head describing how anxiety can cause reactions to your thoughts. It helps me very much to know that others have these problems. I agree with so much of what you expressed. I also agree with you that in the end it comes down to a choice. I felt tremendous anxiety because I felt very bad that I wasn't feeling all "lovey" towards my husband and almost as if something was wrong with me for having to make a choice. Now that I have started my medicine again, I am starting to see things more clearly. I don't feel so guilty about accepting that yes sometimes relationships take work! and yes sometimes it comes down to a choice, but that is not a bad thing. I would also like to add, that I believe anxiety/depression can cause a person to question all of their feelings, including love. However when you have anxiety disorder you are unable to keep things in perspective! The very thought of having a doubt or question fuels panic in oneself and can create a lot of problems. My advice, if I have any is to Never Give Up and if you need to take medication to get your anxiety under control, do it. I do not like taking medicine, I kept putting it off, I finally made the choice to take it again and it is helping. I'm not trying to push med's, only to say that for me it is making a difference.

I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time time to express your feelings on this post. I know that you are a random stranger but what you wrote helped me. I agree with what you say about how you are not destined to be with one person, or that you could be with lots of people. I think that love is a feeling at times but other times it's about making a choice to stick with the person that you have committed to. I want you to know that you have helped me in my situation and I appreciate your thoughts and comments.


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## kahlan

Roderic- I completely understand your wife when she gets upset about the word 'try.' With anxiety it feels like you are trying the hardest you possible can with no results and it is insulting for someone to suggest you try harder. 

I reread your posts and I thought of something else to tell you. you said in on post that your wife has desired to be more independent. When a person has anxiety that involves a relationship they feel like if they get away from the relationship it will make the anxiety to go away. In general, when people have problems in relationship, being single sounds better. Relationships come with responsibility. The more problems you have the more burdened you feel. With anxiety, you feel even more burdened and restricted. When a person has anxiety, it won't go away if they leave the relationship. The person will doubt if they did the right thing and still experience anxiety. The reason for this is that anxiety is a problem on its own. 

This is all the advice I can give right now. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and good understanding of the situation. I hope everything works out for you. Just remember that there are people out there who are in your shoes and your wife's shoes. It feels a lot better when you are not alone. Also remember that there are people there for you even if they are random strangers. Post again if you have any questions. I'll keep a look out for you.

bunbun-I'm so glad I could help you. It helps me to know that I helped you. I also agree that meds can be helpful. I don't like taking them either, but they help. And your right-never give up. It will get better.


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## Roderic

Kahlan - in the absence of professional advice, you are opening a number of new doors for me. I do not yet understand all of what you say, but I will pursue things further.

I still believe that my wife is being crushed by the overwhelming weight of medical and emotional issues that are beyond her control. At the age of 40, consider these influences:


•	Low self-esteem since age 11 from school bullying
•	Depression, self-harm & flight at 18 when her parents split up
•	Promising career in education obliterated by illness after just 2 years
•	Pulmonary embolism aged 25
•	Death of a friend’s sister, at same time, from same condition
•	Fibromyalgia, chronic pain & chronic fatigue since 1996
•	Wheelchair bound ever since
•	Unable to sleep lying down since 1998
•	Many strong drugs taken ever since including morphine
•	Kidney failure in 2006 – six weeks in hospital and DVTs
•	Chronic urinary infection for three years with prophylactic antibiotics
•	Trigonitis diagnosed 2008
•	Osteoporosis & osteoarthritis diagnosed 2009
•	Frustration at lack of independence and social opportunity
•	‘Addiction’ to online computer game up to 9 hours per day
•	New and younger ‘friends’ online
•	Exposure to online chatroom and establishment of a few ‘good friends’
•	Insensitive intervention in these things by me, resulting in over-control
•	My inclination to try to meet her every need
•	Increasing pain levels
•	Increasing numbers of drugs
•	Diagnosis of liver damage
•	Greater difficulty in sleeping
•	Loss of feelings for me

I have probably missed a few but, on the basis that I love my wife dearly, and that she has loved me until very recently, how on earth can I let go when she needs me most? I would never forgive myself. On November 20th, I was trying to wean her off using the computer at night when she could not sleep. These are extracts from a very moving letter she wrote to me that night. They are very personal:

_To the very centre of my life, to you R******

How hard it is for me to explain myself, when I am a mess, when I see myself as nothing but built of pain right now. I don’t know where the pain ends any more, to leave me – there seems so little of me left these days.

I do know that my love for you is limitless and I am so dependent on you, more than ever right now.

It is never a choice between you or the computer at night, you are never second place. I just can’t bear to call upon you all day and in the night.

How do I cope seeing you so tired the next day?

I will do my best – it’s all I can do. You are the one that keeps me together right now.

Love you more and more 
xxxxxxxxxxxxx_

At the time, I was touched by what she had said, but now I am deeply moved and tearful at not recognising the gravity of the situation. This was just a few short months ago and it shows the depth of tender love that she had for me then. I have told her that this is raw, desperate, irrefutable emotion, – undisguised feelings of such intensity and concern, a cry from the very depths of her heart with far more passion than I realised at the time. This was the real J****, the woman I have admired & cared for over so many years, the sensitive and tender wife that I was so fortunate to love. I have asked her to forgive me for not acting appropriately and told her that love such as this never vanishes– it may be misplaced, mislaid, ignored, confused or hidden, but it can never be lost.

I am seeing that whatever I do makes little difference and I can identify the effects I have contributed to this from what you have said. I am grateful. In terms of hope for the future – I have none and I am in such despair that a life without my wife is no life at all. I would rather remember the last 19 years with joy than commit to further years with none. The only thing that prevents me from considering drastic action is the effect that would have on my wife. Yes, her happiness is more important to me than my own – I love her unconditionally.

I hope that my wife’s contribution to our relationship is obvious from the above quotes, and a few months of despair has to be offset by 19 years of bliss. The question is - how much more can I take, I feel so very weak right now.


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## turnera

Maybe she is leaving you because she loves you and no longer wants to be a burden? So that you can move on and live a better life without her? If I were in her situation, it's what I would do.


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## Roderic

turnera said:


> Maybe she is leaving you because she loves you and no longer wants to be a burden? So that you can move on and live a better life without her? If I were in her situation, it's what I would do.


She knows that in so doing she will destroy me, but was faced with the alternative of saving herself.


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## turnera

If someone is dealing with horrific issues and maybe also depression, they often DO think they are helping you by leaving you, that you WILL survive better without them. Only she knows, I guess.


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## Roderic

So if my wife does think she is helping me by leaving - do I confront her with it? Bearing in mind I can't watch her body language or hear her voice.


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## turnera

I would try to get inside her mind. If you talk to her, be all about HER. Tell her that you can try to imagine how it must feel to be dealing with everything she has to deal with, but you'll never be able to, so can she help you understand? If she opens up, then try to get to where you are afraid she thinks she's helping you by leaving - and if so, the one thing she can do is be WITH you.

Basically, you just need communication. If she won't come back, then start calling her every day. EVERY day. As if you were together. If she really does love you and wish she could be with you if the circumstances were differeng - meaning if she doesn't really hate you for some reason (and that's your job to find out) - then she needs you to PROVE to her that you will stand by her no matter what.

Women need their men to rescue them. I kind of think that maybe this is a test.


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## nstl

I NEVER thought I'd find someone with the same problem.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and severe anxiety problems 2 years ago. Every single relationship has been the same.

Due to the medication, i feel amazing, and happy. Then I find a girl.
Go crazy for them, enjoy weeks - months of heaven.
Then CRASH, one thought triggers all of this, my heart clenches up, I hate myself and my world crumbles to pieces.

I think 24/7, even when I'm with her "Do I like her?" I'm sick of doubting myself! How can over the period of one minute I'm crazy for her, and in heaven, and suddenly feel completely disconnected and anxious.

I'm back into therapy and I'm really determined to solve this, this girl is amazing (when I don't let my anxiety get in the way). I have my own theories on why I can't love someone else (i.e. Low Self-esteem, unable to love myself)

The insights in this thread have given me more hope. Some days I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I really like the way the original poster claimed that "my heart is disconnected from my brain". I've been looking for that phrase a long time to describe it!

Your not alone. Thanks.

P.s. I don't think you should give us any crap on age, it's not relavent (well maybe, if your below 18).


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## FallenAngel84

I can't tell you how relieved I am to have read your post!

After this past week and a half of living hell, I'm so glad to have found this to know i'm not the only one.

I got out of a 5 year relationship about 10 months ago. About 9 or so months into the relationship, I began wondering if my boyfriend at the time was really the one for me. I allowed my mind to wander and actually convinced myself he wasn't for me and felt so very disconnected to him and faked it all those years. Turns out that we weren't meant to be and had many differences in the end.

Soon after that relationship, I started seeing a new guy. I felt everything with the new guy that I never felt with my ex. I felt so fulfilled and like I had a heartbeat again. Of course I was always afraid of the new relationship turning into what my old one turned into and constantly wondered if that feeling would return. Within the last week or so, I had been pretty good at allowing myself to supress that thought and once starting my new job where I have plenty of idle time to sit around and think (which is so dangerous for me) I allowed my mind to take a walk down that trail and put those feelings upon my new boyfriend when there was NOTHING that changed with us at all, nothing. I brought on everything myself which scares the crap out of me.

So for the past week, i've basically felt disconnected, told myself I no longer find him attractive like I use to, the butterflies have died, there is no spark etc and I've been obsessing over this. I know I am only thinking these things because I allowed myself to and tricked myself. I hope this makes sense to someone.

I know if I didn't care for him and want to be with him, I wouldn't. We still have fun together, get along so well and he really is one of the best things to happen to me. He understands me as he thinks alot like I do. I discussed my feelings to him and he said he understands and isn't going anywhere and I told him how badly I don't want this depression to ruin us. I can see feeling this way with one person and in one relationship but to take the exact same feelings and involve them with a new one that was perfectly fine until I lost control of my biggest fear seems impossible.

I am looking into getting help as I feel it could benefit me. This morning I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed which resulted in massive panic attacks and calling in sick to work. I am trying to avoid anything that makes me feel depressed (such as work where as I said I sit and think all day and have no interaction with anyone) and focus on feeling better and feeling something more with my boyfriend who I do not want to lose to this. 

Right now, I've kind of curbed my depression and am feeling more than I've felt in awhile but am curious to hear if anyone else has any positive advice for me on how to ax this feeling all together and go back to being happy. It's very confusing and taking it's toll on me.

I've suffered from bad anxiety and panic attacks for the past 10 years or so and really, they've just become a part of life. Luckily I have a very supportive mom who helps me so much just by listening and reassuring me but I'm wondering how others have dealt with this.

I appreciate anyone reading this.


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## turnera

You shouldn't be dating. You have too many issues of your own that make you self destruct every relationship you get in before it has a chance. 

Abandonment issues, most likely - you'll protect yourself by checking out so you can't get hurt.

Until you can go two or three years on your own without a partner, you're not ready for one.

Pull back on expecting anything for now but time with yourself.


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## gillianreynolds

I struggle so much with this very thing. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, and I am sooo soooo in love with him. He makes my life sane! He knows how to make me laugh, he's my best friend in the whole world, and he's sweet, caring, adventurous, and has all the same values as me. But since the moment I met him I've had major anxiety. It took me 3-4 months just to say yes to the first date! When we finally did start dating, I was having such severe anxiety that I broke up with him in less than a month. I took a month to pray and go to counselling, and realized that I was in love with him and wanted to be with him. We got back together, and have been together ever since. Yet every month or so I have an "episode." I start questioning everything and freaking out that "he's not the one." One moment I'll be so sure that he's everything I want, and that I'm so happy, and the next I'm incredibly scared that someday that will change. My parents divorced when I was 7, and my Dad moved far away and I rarely saw him again. So I know that has a lot to do with it. When my Dad left, my Mom frequently had very painful panic attacks where she would lay in bed and scream or cry for hours, and would refuse to be touched. I don't have episodes to that degree, but whenever I start freaking out I have trouble breathing (my chest constricts), I cry a lot, and my muscles feel "white-hot" or drained of sensation. Since I'm also in grad school at the moment (and moved away from my boyfriend), I'm feeling a lot of extra stress.

I guess my question is...how do I know if I have an anxiety disorder, or just plain doubts? I don't seem to freak out about anything else - just my relationship. I've been going to counselling for about a year, up until 3 months ago. Counselling helped a lot, and I know I should go back. But I haven't had a counsellor ever say, "You have an anxiety disorder." I know it's normal to have doubts sometimes, but something is wrong with the frequency and violence of my "episodes." Do I need medication? Or just counselling?

My boyfriend and I are thinking of getting engaged in about a year or so, which makes me so ecstatically happy! I really can't wait to be his wife - I know that he's my "heart-mate" (or "soul-mate")! But I really really REALLY want to get my anxiety in check before I make a committment to him. Sometimes my anxiety hurts him as much as me (he is incredibly patient and understanding, but is sometimes frustrated or unsure of what to do with me). I want to get a handle on this so that I can live the life I want to live.
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oostende hotels near train station


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## turnera

What does your doctor say?


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Turnera, you are so wise. I love reading your posts.  Are you a counselor?

As a longtime sufferer with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, let me just throw my 2cents in the pot. If your (or your loved one's) issues don't go away inside of a month, find a good counselor. Don't mistake a psychiatrist for a counselor (like I did for 4 years) or you will make no progress and waste time. I am much improved with the right meds and 2 appointments a week. Life is never going to be perfect for any of us, but you don't have to be anxious and unhappy all your life, either. There are professionals, therapies, and drugs (legal ones, I mean, and only when necessary,) that can make your world right again. Do this for you, do it now, and as Turnera said, work on yourself before you try to find your partner. Be solid in yourself first. Peace.


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## sarahholmes2012

Anxiety and depression could lead to something worse if not taken seriously by couples in relationships. Having issues like jealousy in relationships is something linked to the issue of trust in between. If something comes up because of dishonesty, most often than not, relationship problems would follow. The most difficult thing to regain back in relationships would probably be the trust you made for your partner. When these things worsen, it could possibly lead to severe depression to one partner.


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## thegirl29

I wanted to actually register and thank you for this post. I am so relieved... almost ecstatic... that there are others out there suffering from the same things as I. Anxiety sucks! But we can all get through it. I wish you the best of luck, and again, thank you so much for putting yourself out there for others to relate to. :smthumbup:


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## ABL45

thegirl29 said:


> I wanted to actually register and thank you for this post. I am so relieved... almost ecstatic... that there are others out there suffering from the same things as I. Anxiety sucks! But we can all get through it. I wish you the best of luck, and again, thank you so much for putting yourself out there for others to relate to. :smthumbup:



I feel the same way! Here is my story:

I dated a guy for almost 5 years. 3 years into the relationship, I began having serious anxiety and felt guilty about absolutely everything. I am not a bad person in any way, so when I am in my right mind, this guilt seems pretty silly. But when I am anxious, it consumes my life and I don't feel any relief until I "confess" my guilts. I also began questioning my feelings for him. My doctor prescribed me Effexor 75mg but I was bumped up to 150mg and it has worked ever since.

A few months ago, me and my ex boyfriend ended our relationship because it turns out we were closer as friends. About a month later, I began talking to a guy that I went to high school with and we really hit it off.  We have been dating for a little over 3 months now and things couldn't have been more perfect until a little over a week ago. I began having these guilty feelings again and then started questioning my love for my boyfriend. I have lost almost ten pounds since then and have been driving myself absolutely crazy with this.

I think that the reason for all of this is that about 1 month ago, I asked my doctor to reduce my Effexor to 75mg because I had been feeling great. I didn't want to be bound to medication for the rest of my life so I wanted to try to ween myself off of it. Obviously, that wasn't the best decision so I am back on the 150mg and just waiting patiently for it to kick in. The fact that I am even questioning my feelings for my boyfriend completely baffle me because of how strong they were just before my anxiety kicked in. This morning, while feeling very depressed and completely overwhelmed, I decided to google "anxiety over loving someone" in hopes that I would find that I wasn't the only one, but I figured I would find absolutely no results. It really relieves me to know that there are others that have the same anxiety as I do!

Has anyone found any remedies to stop these reoccuring thoughts? Or at least get them under control? I did see a therapist a couple of years ago during my first episode and I just saw her again yesterday. I think I might continue and I am so excited to tell her that I found others like me! If anyone would like someone to talk to, please let me know! I would love to talk to someone with the same problem as me!


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## ABL45

FallenAngel84 said:


> I can't tell you how relieved I am to have read your post!
> 
> After this past week and a half of living hell, I'm so glad to have found this to know i'm not the only one.
> 
> I got out of a 5 year relationship about 10 months ago. About 9 or so months into the relationship, I began wondering if my boyfriend at the time was really the one for me. I allowed my mind to wander and actually convinced myself he wasn't for me and felt so very disconnected to him and faked it all those years. Turns out that we weren't meant to be and had many differences in the end.
> 
> Soon after that relationship, I started seeing a new guy. I felt everything with the new guy that I never felt with my ex. I felt so fulfilled and like I had a heartbeat again. Of course I was always afraid of the new relationship turning into what my old one turned into and constantly wondered if that feeling would return. Within the last week or so, I had been pretty good at allowing myself to supress that thought and once starting my new job where I have plenty of idle time to sit around and think (which is so dangerous for me) I allowed my mind to take a walk down that trail and put those feelings upon my new boyfriend when there was NOTHING that changed with us at all, nothing. I brought on everything myself which scares the crap out of me.
> 
> So for the past week, i've basically felt disconnected, told myself I no longer find him attractive like I use to, the butterflies have died, there is no spark etc and I've been obsessing over this. I know I am only thinking these things because I allowed myself to and tricked myself. I hope this makes sense to someone.
> 
> I know if I didn't care for him and want to be with him, I wouldn't. We still have fun together, get along so well and he really is one of the best things to happen to me. He understands me as he thinks alot like I do. I discussed my feelings to him and he said he understands and isn't going anywhere and I told him how badly I don't want this depression to ruin us. I can see feeling this way with one person and in one relationship but to take the exact same feelings and involve them with a new one that was perfectly fine until I lost control of my biggest fear seems impossible.
> 
> I am looking into getting help as I feel it could benefit me. This morning I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed which resulted in massive panic attacks and calling in sick to work. I am trying to avoid anything that makes me feel depressed (such as work where as I said I sit and think all day and have no interaction with anyone) and focus on feeling better and feeling something more with my boyfriend who I do not want to lose to this.
> 
> Right now, I've kind of curbed my depression and am feeling more than I've felt in awhile but am curious to hear if anyone else has any positive advice for me on how to ax this feeling all together and go back to being happy. It's very confusing and taking it's toll on me.
> 
> I've suffered from bad anxiety and panic attacks for the past 10 years or so and really, they've just become a part of life. Luckily I have a very supportive mom who helps me so much just by listening and reassuring me but I'm wondering how others have dealt with this.
> 
> I appreciate anyone reading this.


This story is so much like mine! Even the previous relationship of 5 years and everything! I am eager to find out if you found anything that helped! Please let me know!


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## turnera

Yoga is the best thing I know for anxiety. And meditation by itself.


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## milo2877

Soooo long story short. I have suffered from depression since I was 7, when my parents divorced, I spent my childhood using drugs to mask the pain. I met a man when I was 22 and fell in love, we married, were together a total of 10 years, 4 years in we went truck driving and he caused an accident that broke my femur bone, thus instigated a year and a half of couch life, thus bringing out depression and anxiety in me. We got divorced a year and a half ago, also had prior to the divorce, two years of mourning, (I knew the marriage was ending then), things went downhill after the accident. Due to the nature of our split, abandonment issues from my father came out and I spent most of that time alone juggling depression, anxiety and fighting the advice to medicate, (Synthetic medicine scares me.) I am an avid journalist, love yoga, I workout, and eat right. I went back to school and am currently working on a bachelor's degree.
I have been seeing a therapist and as of last April I decided I would try to date, I met a wonderful man, the most kind, loving, sweet, best friend a girl could have. He spoils me like crazy and cares for me like no one ever has, I have never been held with love before like this man does. I was not attracted to him when I met him, it was a platonic situation as we were just going to be friends, but about two months in it became more serious. We decided to try living together 2 months ago, and he is by far the easiest person I have ever lived with, he never questions me, we have total trust for each other, and he listens when I am sad or angry and just loves me as I am, all of me. The problem is, I have moments also where I question it. I have dealt with the abandonment stuff as much as I can and have done a lot of self help in that case. But the depression and anxiety still get me and I feel guilty that I am with this person at times because I question it, even though I know I love him. I never had the butterflies with him, and I know that I am fueled by insecurity being related to love, so he doesn't arouse that part of my brain. I was told its normal to find your mate annoying and want them to leave at times. I was told that healing through a stable relationship is ok to do but I have days where I just want to be alone, (which suprisingly he gives me with no question). I am a very lucky woman to have such a understanding guy, so what I am wondering is, CAN depression and anxiety block your love censors and make you feel numb, because that is where I am at and it is really awful some days. I care about this person deeply and want to give him 100% but I am unable at time to do so and I hate myself for it, I feel he deserves more. Also the depression got really bad after the time change and I am in the great pacific North west so possibly SAD, also have been on the pill since I was 14 and thinking I could be pre-menopausal. Feeling a bit lost and just kind of crappy. Thanks for reading this.


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## ledge2012

Hi there,

I can really empathise with all of you. I am 26, been in a solid relationship with my fiancé for 4 and half years and during that time I have struggled quite a lot with anxiety. I never really thought I had depression as such until very recently. I have been seeing a counsellor for about 8 months who has diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder. At times it has been very debilitating for me and most of the time my anxieties have involved relationships with friends and the need to feel accepted and liked. Many times it has left me quite crippled, and for all of my life I have pretty much worried. This worry often leads to paranoia and panic attacks where I think the worst and can’t get any clarity or perspective on the situation. My fiancé through all of this has been very understanding and patient. There has not been a time in the 4.5 years that I haven’t felt nothing but love for him. Until 4 days ago. I literally woke up one morning and felt numb. Very sad, and confused about my feelings for him. I have always been in love with him, the whole time we’ve been together. I had the butterflies the works! And now I feel numb and confused. I have been having the same worries as many of you on here. Worry about whether or not I am ‘in love’, as I don’t feel much emotion but sadness at this point. I am now looking at medication as I cant seem to get a grip, I am constantly crying, terrified that I may not feel love again for him, and feeling much guilt about it. I feel so trapped and just terrified at the thought of losing him. I know that it must be to do with the anxiety as I don’t see how I could possibly wake up one morning and feel like this almost like the snap of a finger. It is bizarre and frightening me. I will be looking at medication as I don’t see much alternative, and I do feel like I have an imbalance of some sort that needs to be corrected. I just don’t feel like me. And I feel so bad for what I am putting my partner through. All he sees is me sad. As I have only recently started feeling this way (the last few days) I haven’t told him yet as I know it would kill him. He is so in love with me, and I know I will be, hell I was only 4 days ago! There is just something wrong in my head that I need to get sorted. I just want to feel what I felt four days ago. I cant stop myself from crying coz the thought of never feeling the way I did scares the hell out of me and I cant imagine my life without him. We are planning our wedding at the moment, it is only 4 months away! I have been so so excited planning it! Been enjoying it and very much looking forward to it and spending the rest of my life with him. We have even discussed having children fairly soon after. How can I have done a complete 180° in 4 days??

Please help!


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## turnera

Numbness is a mind's function for protecting you against something. I don't know what it is, only you will, but it's your mind telling you something. It has NOTHING to do with whether you love him or not.

But it does sound like you live your life off of feelings instead of brain. And that is not a healthy way to live. Sure, feel, but never ever make decisions based purely on feelings - they are too fickle and too easily manipulated.

What can you do to come up with a logical list of what you need to do, to move forward? Once you have it, you can keep referring to it, to see if you're on track and doing helpful things rather than harmful things.


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## youractualtherapist

Hi, 
Anxiety, anger (any emotions really) are very normal. Basically it's a direct response to our thoughts, particularly negative thoughts in the case of the negative emotions you are experiencing. Take some time to consider that the negative thoughts may not be 100% accurate, they are likely to be catastrophic/worse case scenario. Unfortuanately our minds pick up on our vulnerabilities and flood our thoughts with negativity. Just like a bully really, if a bully knows who are concerned about your weight it will pick on this subject, however, the bully will exagerate 'Your enormous', 'Your the fatest person in the world' etc. as you can see it is inaccurate but you believe. (sorry about using weight as an example to illustrate this point, hope didn't offend).
If you are unable to contain your thoughts and feel they are 100% overwhelming, take a few minutes to concentrate on the sound of traffic, colour of wall, smell of food etc, if you can be aware of these things existing you can argue that the thoughts are not 100%, there is other stuff going on which is actually more realistic. You may benefit from looking at some information on my site Your Actual Anxiety
Hope the advice helps and good luck


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## mmzgirl

I think anxiety and depression can make a persons feelings somewhat distorted. I can relate though. I have been very anxious and this has caused me serious doubts about my own marriage. Not a good feeling after 13 years and 2 children. I very much relate to the guilt about feelings. I have been experiencing the same thing. Having children in the mix causes a lot more complications. I felt lie he was the love of my life and now feel like the feelings are gone. I wish I could get them back so deperatley. I obsess about leaving and our marriage ending which petrified me. If you haven't gotten married yet or have children with him be glad. It makes the guilt bearable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jenny2012

Kahlan, i have to say I read your post and it really helped me in my current situation, you are a very intelligent woman and you have tremendous insight into anxiety and what you yourself are going through.

Your post really resonated with me, I think you will be fine, you know yourself and are intelligent enough to see what you are going through, I am the same I know why i feel the way I do, I know I love my husband but it doesnt stop the pain at times.

I am trying to work through my anxiety and I hope for a brighter fututre free of worry, that is my hope for everyone here too.xxxx


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