# Do You Just Give Up?



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Married for 10 years. I have a daughter 20 and an autistic son 22 from my 1st marriage. He has a married daughter 24 and a son 22 from his first marriage. My husband said he was "divorcing" when he asked me out. That wasn't quite true. Their's wasn't a perfect marriage with her alcoholism and her infidelity in the past; however, I suspect in his kids' opinion I caused the divorce. Early into the marriage we went to a faith-based counselor. The kids were interviewed by the counselor and he came back and shocked me when he said not to bother trying to develop something with them because all they see me as is a bankroll. 

2 Issues: 
-husband doesn't care if they are rude and disrespectful even when I tell them it hurts and matters to me
-husband wants them to be independent but his actions are otherwise 

Questions for consideration: Do I give up and become an absent figure when the son is here and should I just keep my frustration to myself? I.E.,there are two parts to this equation and the kids' disrespect and husband's lack of respect for me to the point of saying something to his kids. If I push, I will lose...

Examples 


Examples of disrespect:

-4 years ago I found my wedding ring from my first marriage in the daughter's purse that I was about to wash for her. He confronted her once months later, she denied and to the date has not apologized even thought he knows it really hurt me because I had done a lot of nice stuff for her that her therapist shared meant a lot to her. I went to individual counselling a few years ago, in no small part due to her doing this yet no consequences (he bought her a cruise to reward her for trying to go back to school and to build up her confidence days after telling me we couldn't afford something).

-son stuck in Europe last month due to being unable to find a stand-by flight with his Buddy pass. My husband didn't have enough money on that day to buy a flight so I charged an $1875 plane ticket on my card. His itinerary showed that I paid. It's been almost one month and not a single thank you from the son.

-husband let the son's girlfriend sleep over at the house several time despite my asking that this not happen as I didn't want to promote that in front of my kids (what they do at school is there own business). This was during Summer break. They don't say a word to me at all. Ive mentioned it to my husband but apparently he sees nothing wrong with it. They will talk to him. I finally got tired of feeling like an outsider in my own home so I retreated to our bedroom to read or watch stuff I like and to try to make it "my time".

Independence:

-recently husband and I were to meet with the 24YO daughter (married last Dec with 2 kids). She called to say she was almost at the place. Husband starts driving at 85mph hearing she is almost there. He calls her x2 to see if she needs help finding the place. About to call a third time to see if she was waiting inside or outside (not a big place to get lost in and in a safe area). I told him "You keep saying that you want her to be independent but enabling takes an enabler and someone who doesn't mind being enabled. This is a small place, she'll find us. This is your third call. You need to let her learn"

-wants the older grand daughter to play in youth sports and keep saying we need to sign her up and I told him no her parents need to decide when to do it. I told him that he was able to live his own life at this age so give her the chance to as well. We like her husband.

-22YO son doesn't have to work and has designer clothes etc. Husband and I work our asses off. My 20YO worked three different jobs over Summer Break: babysat, sold knives and worked at a pizzeria. I wouldn't want them to jeopardize their college studies by working during the school year but during Summer, he's never worked except sporadically for his dad when he wants something. This scares me because he is going to graduate from college with no skills, hes a business major with no skills, no idea on money mgt (blew a whole weeks pay from my husband on a $266 pair of sunglasses), this is a bad economy for jobs. I don't think I would do well if we have a year-round remake of what happened this Summer. Husband spent over $5K on the son this Summer break. There isn't a huge pool of money here.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So what's your question? Stop 'doing' for grown children. Just stop it. Stop tolerating it. At all.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So what's your question? Stop 'doing' for grown children. Just stop it. Stop tolerating it. At all.


Agree on the "funding" and "doing". I agree I shouldn't tolerate it but how do you "not tolerate" it if your husband tolerates it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell him it's his problem to deal with and you'll have zero part of it and if he's going to financially underwrite them then you'll have to keep the money separate. Tell them if they steal from you you'll fetch the cops on them. End of story. Let them co enable each other screaming. 

Geez, it's your life, when does it begin?


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