# Folks, I am lost and do not know what to do...



## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Hi All,

I have been reading these boards for a while and they have been of great value. Unfortunately I'm still lost....

My wife and I of 18 years have been seperated for the last month. We are still under the same roof. A month ago she came to me and said "I cant do this anymore, I have nothing more to give" along with the "I don't love you anymore" statement. I was absolutely stunned as there was *nothing* leading up to this. We were getting along, but did have the occasional argument. Nothing major.

Over the last month I have learned by her that this has been coming in her mind for the last 5 months. She told me nothing. She just feels she needs to "be alone". She is going to a counsler for some things in her past that she needs to deal with but she is stead fast that we are done and she wants out.

I have tried to give her space, and it got to the point that we were getting along somewhat like husband and wife over the past week and a half only to find out that she still intends to move out in November. To be honest, I find that disgusting as if she wants out she needs to be out. So, I have drawn a line in the sand and told her she needs to leave. She is still in the house but we are not talking at all. She said that I need to see a counsler as we are both "broken" and need to be fixed before we work on the marriage. Folks, I don't know if I have it in me. We had a very rough time with things she did while we dated many moons ago, and I see that person in her again.

There is *no* affair happening as she is not "off with friends" and has up until just recently kept me informed on what she is up to. She has just completely buried herself in work. Her ring is off, her passwords changed, but I honestly dont believe an affair is happening.

My own feelings swing wildly from anger, to frustation, to unbearable pain, and I just don't know how to proceed....

Any help or ideas anybody has would be beyond helpful..


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

FL sorry you are here... in my marriage of almost 7 years, things were looking somewhat dismal, we were both unhappy but she somehow convinced herself she wasn't just unhappy but "MISERABLE". I was doing all I could to let her have the space and freedom to pursue her dreams (assuming that I would always be a part of them). Anyway when I got the speech that she was done I too didn't see it coming because as unfulfilled as we were there were no major changes, no apparent threats, I was working on myself and making small improvements in my self-esteem and attitude (though I was a complete doormat begging to be trampled on in order to serve my purpose in all of this). I too never suspected an affair, but nothing else made any sense - when I opened up my eyes to the possibility of her capacity to cheat suddenly red flags all started staring me in the face.

You are basing your disbelief that there isn't an affair on your trust in her as your committed spouse, as you should - however we will all tell you that changed passwords, removed wedding ring are huge red flags that deem some verification appropriate. As she is still in the house it may make it easy to do some checking - firstly does she have a mobile phone and has she been hiding it from your sight? (face down, ringer off, guarding it close?) to me it seems like how she treats her phone will be the dead giveaway.

And if I'm wrong so be it, just please verify so you can really understand what you are dealing with, then keep coming back to these forums.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I agree with Lon, the phone is the key. An examination will show whether or not unfaithfulness is involved and you must do this. Absent evidence of another lover, you can be pretty sure that someone is taking your place emotionally, it could be a friend, coworker or family member. The phone will help you determine who this is.

Not talking is good. Don't set conditions. Let her stay or leave on her own decision. Agree with whatever she says and add your own reasoning to why she is right or justified, help her with what she wants to do (up to a point). Don't profess love, don't ask questions and don't talk about feelings.

Do what you need to do to get yourself leveled out. You must be clear, strong and stable to proceed. Go to a gym, go to church, meditate, improve your diet, stop drinking, buy some new clothes, reach out to your friends and family ,make sure you are in tip top condition to deal with what the future will bring. Whatever happens from here, you will need all the emotional strength and clear thinking you can muster.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Thanks Folks.

Regarding the red flags, I believe that they sure are there.... except, I have been watching the cell phone records online and there is nothing out of the ordinary. A ton of txt messages (close to 2500) but most are to her boss (a female). She does carry it with her wherever she goes and I have not seen it in over a month....

I am working on myself and have basically gone dark. The ring, passwords, etc do bother me greatly though....


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

frigginlost said:


> I am working on myself and have basically gone dark. The ring, passwords, etc do bother me greatly though....


You are doing the right thing - remember through all of this all you can do is take control of the things that are under your control, you can't change her, can't make her decisions...

After a few days of my stbxw pretending she was working on it, I couldn't handle her being in the same house - she was so close yet so far and I so badly wanted her to choose to stay even after finding out about her A. After a few days I finally mustered up the courage to tell her she needs to leave (that was one of the hardest things for me to do, not just because I didn't really want her to but because I am so not used to demanding the things I need - I blundered my way through it was not confident sounding or as firm as I thought I'd need to but got the point out).

Whatever it is you need, it is your job at this very moment to demand it, and to cut those things out of your life that will stand in the way.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

frigginlost said:


> Thanks Folks.
> 
> Regarding the red flags, I believe that they sure are there.... except, I have been watching the cell phone records online and there is nothing out of the ordinary. *A ton of txt messages (close to 2500) but most are to her boss *(a female). She does carry it with her wherever she goes and I have not seen it in over a month....
> 
> I am working on myself and have basically gone dark. The ring, passwords, etc do bother me greatly though....


2500 in a month? That's about 120 texts a day average? So, about 100 texts to her boss a day? 

Just curious, what does she do that requires so much contact with the boss?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

aug said:


> 2500 in a month? That's about 120 texts a day average? So, about 100 texts to her boss a day?
> 
> Just curious, what does she do that requires so much contact with the boss?


agreed, even if that's over a few months, that is a lot of contact to be having with a superior. That doesn't seem like a professional relationship, but I suppose it depends on a few factors such as the nature of her work, the hierarchy of the company and the the history with her boss.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

My husband's (or STBXH) blackberry became fused to his hand only he wasn't communicating via text, he was communicating through FB private message. I just happened to come upon the messages one morning when his alarm on his phone went off. When I went to turn it off he had forgotten to lock it (always kept his phone on password protect) and I snooped and saw all the x-rated messages between him and the skank on fb that he's been communicating with for the past couple of years. I know there's no PA going on as the "skank" is in another country, but the EA (which he also denies) is just as damaging. Damn those cheaters....all of them.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Somethings very wrong here. I saw this happen once before and it turned out the wife had decided to become a switch hitter. It stunned the entire family. No one saw that one coming.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Somethings very wrong here. I saw this happen once before and it turned out the wife had decided to become a switch hitter. It stunned the entire family. No one saw that one coming.


Thanks again all. Without giving much away her job does require her to keep pretty close communications with her boss. The problem I have with it is that some of these text messages continue from after 5pm all the way to midnight. I know her boss is unhappily married so who knows... Don't think for a second I have not thought about her switching teams. Hell I have run every scenario through my mind as she is giving me nothing. I'm truly glad that this board is here because this is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. It is sooo hard to remain cut off from her. But I had to draw a line and tell her if she wants out she needs to get out... Holy hell that was hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Alot of red flags!

frig,
Do you know the signs of all the red flags?

You have to go through fire to make steel! So no matter how this turns out, the hard choices are the ones with the best rewards, and no matter what knocks us down, it how we get back up that counts.

You did right bro stay strong and more importantly be confident that you can move on with or with out her. It will always be her coice to change and come along with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My first thought was maybe she is having an affair with her boss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Whether there is an affair or not, it seems she is making her choice and that is to separate, so if you can confirm there is no A (in other words her mind is not completely shrouded in the fog) then you have to accept that for her it is her rational decision to end the marriage. My advice at this point: if she really wants out of the marriage and to be single then let her go, demand she move out of the house, get a lawyer to draft up the separation and divorce and file, do the 180, send her on her way and cut off contact with her to give her a taste of what she is asking and more importantly so you can just focus on yourself - find the strength to get through this and be a better man.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm just going to throw this out there, but how do you know it's her boss's number? Have you talked to her boss at that number? Or is it just a number in her boss's name in her contact list. It's not unusual to stick an affair partner's number under someone else's name.

If you're not concerned about this, then carry on...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

I truly believe it is her bosses number....

When I first saw the number on the cell bill I called her out on it. She told me it was her number, asked me to call it (I did not) and told me "here is my phone, look at it". Not wanting to go down the road of another fight and tick her off anymore than I had, I simply stated "sorry, but with what you have given me on why you want to end this, I had no other choice but to ask".

Another lonely night last night.... miss her terribly and have not talked to her other than a quick email in which she asked would some money be available to her for gas next week. Answered with a very short "Take money today", which in turn I got a "thanks".

Other than that, I'm camped out in my room when she gets home from work (I got the master bedroom! ) and stay as far away from her as I can. Working out after work helps a ton and I'm down 40 pounds....

Still hurting like hell though. I really miss not doing things with her as I have all kinds of things I want to share.... Just nobody to share them with....

*sigh*

Thanks again all...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Whether she is "having and affair" or not, someone else is giving her the emotional intimacy she should be getting from her marriage. A dominant manager is a perfect fit. In my wife's case, it was a former teacher.

The upside here is that her boss most likely doesn't want her as anything more than a good employee and you don't have the shame involved that would come with sex or another man.

But this is still unfaithfulness and betrayal. You need to get yourself strong enough to deal with all this effectively if and when your wife burns out and returns to you


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Needed to vent, so a little update;

Things are rapidly going down hill. Today was the first time in over a week we spoke. It was brief, but there was a lot said. I enquired on how we should proceed with the mortgage as an offer for a refi came in the mail. I have also been looking at the Federal HAMP program as I do not want to lose my house. I sent an email asking where she stood and she said she would sign whatever was needed and that she was sorry.

I called her and told her that the refi would require us both and that I would do HAMP after the divorce. She said to look into HAMP. I said okay and that I would contact a lawyer next week to start the divorce proceeding. She then started crying and said she believed we could work this out.

Great!

Until 5 minutes later when I realized she proabably was not talking about the marriage but was talking about us doing the divorce ourselves. I sent her an email enquiring that and she replied that it was indeed in regards to us doing our own filling...

I then composed a reply email putting it all out there that with her email she has proven that she is no longer interested in the marriage and that I have to draw a line in the sand. I told her that I would start moving forward with finding a lawyer and proceeding with the divorce.... I'm bummed. Bad.

She tried to call... but I just could not answer....


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear its just getting worse Flost. Keep your head up and do the things you need to do. I would not answer either and would only contact through email and only if it was something business wise. It will get better but not talking with her will help you get through it.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I don't know about *no* affair (seriously, FL- have you seen how many stories/threads on this site start like this?)... but I don't really see where she's giving you much choice. She's clearly not interested in the marriage, and you need to protect yourself.

I get sad coming to the site sometimes, because it feels like all we ever say is "get a divorce," "you deserve better," etc. But the thing is, you DO deserve better (regardless of if there's an affair or not), and it sounds like, unless she's willing to work with you, your marriage is already over, anyway.

That being said, once this is all behind you, you will have a life again. A good one. It's just going to be a struggle for a while.

Lawyer up. Protect yourself. Snoop if you have to.

Above all, realize that marriage (or, really any relationship) takes two partners, and it can't work when only one's invested in it.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Thanks folks.

The only thing getting me through this is the "it takes two to make a marriage work" statement. She simply is not trying.

What I am learning is that she is very, very, good at blameshifting, and that hurts like hell.

Example;

When she mentioned that we could work this out civily, she enquired about my thoughts. I told her that I did not think it was possible as I have no idea who she is anymore and I'm having a hard time trusting or even liking her sometimes.

Her reply to me was that her therapist has shown her that it is easier to look at the faults in others when truly you are angry at yourself. She then capped that doosie off with "Have you seen a counseler yet?"

Ouch!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

lost - You dont need to respond to that anymore. Embrace the 180 and kick it in high gear. I can tell you that when I fully implemented it it was really hard but was able to learn a lot about myself and move forward. You cannot force anyone to work on a relationship if there is no intention to try and all it will do is hurt you more.

Step back, think about where you could improve yourself and get working on it. Get some exercise, socialize and have FUN. When I did that I was truly able to see who my STBXW had become and she was no longer the person I married or wanted to be with. Rose colored glasses in the trash! For some people, implementing the 180 does lead to R (mine tried) but its not a tool to trick anyone to coming back to you. If you are in a better place and you BOTH want to try again thats completely your call but you need to do it for you and not her.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Some great advice so far. Take it from me: I learned the hard way that you cannot work on or fight for a marriage by yourself. W must also be willing and able. If she is not, work on yourself, the 180, eat well, exercise, sleep, etc. And then think about what you want to fight for.

All of the classic signs of an EA are there - you just don't have proof. Its either her boss or someone else she talks with underground and her boss is her venting partner. Please understand there are numerous ways to communicate other than text or calls: Google chat/talk, FB, email, prepaid cell phone, etc. Many of these are hard to detect or track.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Sounds like an affair to me. My wife had me believe that her couple thousand texts a month were to her "kick-boxing" female friend, lol. That's when I grabbed that phone and called the number and a man answered!!! That was when I learned that she was in the midst of a 6+ month PA, right under my nose. 

This looks sounds like a duck, looks like a duck and it damn sure walks like a duck. I would bet money on an affair. But I am no professional, just someone that has been burned and can sense an affair from a mile away.


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## Loveher (Oct 15, 2011)

If shes not having an affair she would have eventually. Two emotionally disconnected people in a marriage spells disaster. It might be a good idea to see a therapist, they may be able to help you through the divorce process or show you what you might have done or not done to contribute the the marriage failure.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Loveher said:


> If shes not having an affair she would have eventually. Two emotionally disconnected people in a marriage spells disaster. It might be a good idea to see a therapist, they may be able to help you through the divorce process or show you what you might have done or not done to contribute the the marriage failure.


Well a therapist is in my future, but I will not take the blame here. The wife is set to move out next week as she says she cannot see the forrest for the trees if she is living in the same house. There is no affair. Keylogger is clean, cell phone is clean, and she is not leaving unexpected or staying out late, and we live in a small town so I think by now someone somewhere here might have seen something. I'll never know so I'm not going to dwell on it. She has some serious issues right now and not being in love with me is one of them. The best I can do is be as supportive as I can and hope her move out helps her see what we have had over the last two decades. I do believe that the divorce is going to happen and sadly everything we have built ( brand new house etc ) will be lost. I'm pretty bummed tonight after talking with her, but I have to remain strong and keep my emotions in check. She did point some things out that put her where she is regarding me (would have been nice to know about it 9 months ago) so I need to keep even. I always believed that when a woman moves out, that's the end as far as they are concerned. I guess I'm going to find out....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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