# Hysterical bonding or Rug Sweeping?



## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

It has been 2 and a half weeks since I found out my H had been having a PA lasting 4 months with a coworker. I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put one foot in front of the other but I am still blown away that my H would have done something so unthinkable. This evening we met to walk the dog, which seems to be the only thing we can agree to do that is civil.... otherwise I ask a million questions and usually we both end up upset. We were sitting in the car talking and I could not get over the uncontrollable urge to just be near him. At first it was innocent... reaching out to hold his hand, but before I knew it we were going at it like horny teenagers. I can't say it was bad, but it wasn't good either.... I was constantly fighting triggering that I knew would lead to a flood of emotion and put a quick stop to being the closest I've been to my H in the last number of weeks. 

I felt sick afterwards.... still feel that way. He apologized and said he felt like he had pressured me... which was not true. If anything it was me doing the instigating. 

I dont know how to feel or what to think. I have made it quite clear to my H that I am willing to put the effort in to trying to save our marriage but HE is the one on the fence about what he wants. I somehow feel used all over again, even though it was not his intention to make me feel that way. 

What am I supposed to do? I feel guilty that this evenings events will unfairly influence his decision. I dont want him deciding to fix our broken marriage purely based on sex.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

Henley, your wanting him near you and wanting sex like you describe, at this point, is very normal....there is a period of wanting to "reclaim" what is yours. It's natural. Feeling triggered and sick afterward is normal for a lot of people too. Don't over-analyze this. This is just the beginning.

Some people on TAM might say he should jump back into your arms now and fix everything and be completely devoted to you now or you should dump him. Don't listen to that crap. It's not like turning on and off a light switch when your spouse has an affair. He's checked out. He's not going to suddenly turn on his switch in a couple weeks. That's one of the reasons why R is so hard. Maybe an ONS is different in that regard, where they might come running back to you instantly, but not a 4 month EA/PA. Most people who cheat are messed up in some way and your relationship is messed up. You both need counseling. 

A WS usually doesn't suddenly say "OMG I screwed up so bad I love you so much please forgive me" right away, especially after just a couple of weeks after Dday.

Now, stand up for yourself and let him come to you. It's not going to happen overnight. It can take lots of time. Do not pursue him! Just be strong and do the things you normally do in your life. Get emotional support from friends. Improve your life in some new ways. Then let him reach out to you. Even if you want him really bad right now, just hold back and live for yourself. Tell him what you need and then back off. Don't give him too much attention. When he's away at work or whatever, don't call him or text him often. Let him reach out first.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Your feelings are a natural instinctual reaction to secure the relationship - it's what you want. But he has to want it just as badly or its going to end badly. Read up here and you will see your situation is not unique. You'll also need to understand things like fog, rug sweeping and gas-lighting (as they are used here) and set down boundaries and requirements you can stick to no matter what pressure he applies. Also, read things like "just let them go" and "the 180"

It's going to be tragic for you if he doesn't make a firm decision - either to exit the marriage, or to go all in to save it and do the majority of the heavy lifting. The next step is for him to make the decision and soon. He is man, not a boy right? if so, he shouldn't let one night of sexual tension override manning up and making a decision he is going to commit to. You need to communicate to him that this is a requirement and that you wont just wait around forever while he waffles. And if he chooses you, he needs to show real remorse, get out of the fog and go full no contact, etc. If he doesn't seem like he has a fire lit under his ass, then he is not serious about the marriage despite whatever words come out of his mouth.

You're standing at a major fork in the road of life, and I understand its agonizing that 50% of the decision (for you as a couple) isn't yours. I'm very sorry you are going through this.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you deserve better he does not deserve you of course this comes down to if you think you deserve this. You dont and you have the power to end this. He is not a "husband" and not worthy of you he shows a lack of compassion and lack of being what a proper husband should be. He has other qualities that cheaters have but i want to spare you the utter true and hard cold facts about his behavior and what cheaters will do.

In short he wont stop and there are men out there who wont hurt you like that who will love you and always be there for you and want nothing more than to make you happy. Men who would never want to hurt their loved one in such a way now the question remains are you worthy of that? i think you are so you know what to do.

Best of luck


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> you deserve better he does not deserve you of course this comes down to if you think you deserve this. You dont and you have the power to end this. He is not a "husband" and not worthy of you he shows a lack of compassion and lack of being what a proper husband should be. He has other qualities that cheaters have but i want to spare you the utter true and hard cold facts about his behavior and what cheaters will do.
> 
> In short he wont stop and there are men out there who wont hurt you like that who will love you and always be there for you and want nothing more than to make you happy. Men who would never want to hurt their loved one in such a way now the question remains are you worthy of that? i think you are so you know what to do.
> 
> Best of luck


^ this person is just bitter....in the end people make mistakes humans are not perfect take your time and see whether his remorse is real give yourself the time and space you need and eventually you will be fine no matter what you choose. there is meaning in our suffering if we choose to rise above it.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Henley, Anubis and sirwonder have given you sound advice. Check in w/ a counselor. Hang in there. You will get through this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think your mind and body are trying to do what they need to heal. The HB is natural, and if it can help you heal then do it, and frankly be dead honest with him about it. It's you wanting sex as part of your emotional comfort and it doesn't mean all is forgiven, it just means you need it to emotionally stabilize.

So next time if you get the urge, and he is willing - simply follow your urges and let your body guide you.


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