# Sad about the upcoming seperation



## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

Hello everyone and Thank you for taking your time to listen to my story. I have been reading so many stories on here and everyone is so bright and talented. It's really uplifting. 

I have been with my fiancé for 10 yrs, engaged 3 years and have an amazing, wonderful, beautiful 2 yr old daughter. 
I posted last summer on here about my fiancé possibly having an EA with someone. ( I apologize I didn’t respond to all the amazing responses I received last summer.) I never really confronted her about it. (I have always been so afraid to lose her and my family) However, I put a ton of effort into the relationship since then, I really went overboard. It’s not like I wasn’t doing these things before, but now I just did them better and more often. Our relationship improved for a short time, then declined during the holidays. I confronted her about how distant we have been getting and she became angry at me for asking. The conversation didn’t continue. Since I felt that she wasn’t being totally honest, I did some more snooping and found some conversations (SMS) that she was having with someone that she works with. To sum up the conversations, she was saying how she wishes I would leave and never return, and she is purposely making my life “miserable” so I will leave, how unhappy she is..etc. She also made a joke to this person how she yelled at me for bringing up how distant we have been lately. I also discovered that she has a major crush on another man that she had met. I don’t believe any PA has happened as of yet. She has never really communicated to me at all that she is unhappy nor that she wants me to leave. Besides being a bit distant, she really acts normal. If I didn’t do any of this snooping I wouldn’t have known what she really feels. 


Well, I have made the decision to separate from her. I am making appointments with attorneys and looking for a place to move. Reason why I am posting in this forum is that I can’t stop thinking about missing my daughter when I’m not with her. Even if I am able to get joint custody, my heart just breaks at the thought of not seeing her. Entangled with the loss of my relationship and living now with someone who really can’t stand me. I am trying my hardest to work on myself but it’s difficult in that toxic environment. I am just trying to stay strong for my daughter. If anyone else has been through this, how do you cope with not being able to see your child every day? I just tears me up inside.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Here's my take. I don't think moving out is a good idea. Do you own a home? Do you rent? 

Do you want to split or do you want a shot at reconciliation? 

Leaving your child will not reflect well when this goes to court. If you are trying to shock her, just see the lawyer and file for temporary custody schedule. 

Separating will also give her the opportunity to make her EA a PA if it isn't already. 

So what do you want?


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## SMV023 (Jun 15, 2012)

Hey Main,

Sorry that you have to go through this. I'm in the process of separating from my wife. I feel the same way about my daughter, the fact that I won't be able to see her everyday and kiss her every night, kills me.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Here's my take. I don't think moving out is a good idea. Do you own a home? Do you rent?
> 
> Do you want to split or do you want a shot at reconciliation?
> 
> ...


Hi GutPunch,

I don't plan on moving out until I speak with a family court lawyer and I know my options. After that I was going to tell her that I want to separate. But I am making sure I am legally able to do so first. We currently rent an apartment and our lease is up in a couple months. I love her very much and really want to make it work but some of the things she was saying in her conversations really don't point to any sort of reconciliation. Plus I have really tried hard to make it work the past few months and it seems we just did a 360. Of course I want to keep my family together. I would love my daughter to live in a “normal” home. I don’t think it’s feasible anymore. And putting my daughter through this brings more pain that I have ever experienced in my life.

SMV023 - How do you get by?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Mainstays said:


> Hi GutPunch,
> 
> I don't plan on moving out until I speak with a family court lawyer and I know my options. After that I was going to tell her that I want to separate. But I am making sure I am legally able to do so first. We currently rent an apartment and our lease is up in a couple months. I love her very much and really want to make it work but some of the things she was saying in her conversations really don't point to any sort of reconciliation. Plus I have really tried hard to make it work the past few months and it seems we just did a 360. Of course I want to keep my family together. I would love my daughter to live in a “normal” home. I don’t think it’s feasible anymore. And putting my daughter through this brings more pain that I have ever experienced in my life.
> 
> SMV023 - How do you get by?


It sounds like you are thinking rationally. That is good. Are you familiar with the 180? I think this is your best bet. You need to work on yourself and detach from this woman. Don't leave your daughter until your Lawyer says it is ok. 

Best of luck

GP


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## SMV023 (Jun 15, 2012)

Mainstays said:


> SMV023 - How do you get by?


I'm at the same point as you. I will be talking to my lawyer soon. We're still in the same house. Wife is planning to move out but haven't told me. I never snooped in my life until now. Doesn't look like another man but everyone is saying yes. I just have a feeling that she is ready to move on to find another man. See my thread.

Sorry I really can't tell you how I'm going to get by. I will take it one day at a time. I love my daughter and wife so much it's going to be tough. I will probably look to you and the rest of the forum for comfort really soon.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

SMV023 said:


> I'm at the same point as you. I will be talking to my lawyer soon. We're still in the same house. Wife is planning to move out but haven't told me. I never snooped in my life until now. Doesn't look like another man but everyone is saying yes. I just have a feeling that she is ready to move on to find another man. See my thread.
> 
> Sorry I really can't tell you how I'm going to get by. I will take it one day at a time. I love my daughter and wife so much it's going to be tough. I will probably look to you and the rest of the forum for comfort really soon.


In a way it's good to know that we aren't the only ones. I wish you the best of luck. Just keep posting and we can help each other get through this.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

The mind games are the worst though. Even though the discusssion hasn't been had that we are going to seperate yet since I haven't met with the lawyer. I spoke briefly over the phone and it looks like because of my daughters age it's going to be very hard to even get joint physical custody.

Anyway, even though she is having these conversations behind my back regarding wanting to leave.."he won't leave me....idk why....lol" I never really was the type of person to give up on things. I always wanted to make it work. But even through all the hard work, doesn't seem to have gotten my anywhere. It's almost like she is living a double life. She acts somewhat 'normal' at home. Is nice and curteous but still has failed to let me know how she is really feeling. She just seems to be telling other people how she is feeling and not me. 

Sorry about the random postings, just sharing my thoughts.


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## WallsAreUp (Oct 18, 2012)

Find a different lawyer, I don't see any reason you couldn't go for joint physical. Do the 180 and start documenting all the parenting time you spend with your daughter.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

WallsAreUp said:


> Find a different lawyer, I don't see any reason you couldn't go for joint physical. Do the 180 and start documenting all the parenting time you spend with your daughter.


Have an appointment with a different lawyer next week. I am about a week into the 180. Trying to follow it the best I can. She seems to be responding very little. We have had no physical contact in over a week. No hand holding, hugs, nothing. I am staying strong for my daughter but it's so hard. And when she does show that tiny bit of "loving" attitude or what have you, I feel so guilty not responding in kind because of the 180. Anyway, just venting. Thank you all for your support so far.


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## WallsAreUp (Oct 18, 2012)

Let us know what the new lawyer has to say.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

How immature is this women? She doesn't have the courage to leave so she is being mean in hopes and you'll leave her and make you look like the bad guy. 

When you call off the engagement, demand for the ring back.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

tainted said:


> How immature is this women? She doesn't have the courage to leave so she is being mean in hopes and you'll leave her and make you look like the bad guy.
> 
> When you call off the engagement, demand for the ring back.


Oh I know about immature and mean women.

Mainstays, read everything here carefully and follow the good advice offered.

Learn from others mistakes. 

For example, my STBXW and I rented. It was her place and I moved in after we married. After our major blow out I moved out. BIG MISTAKE. Once you're out, you are out. 

First of all, that was my home too. If she wanted out of the relationship so bad she could have left. I essentially became homeless and incurred financial loss having to buy a bed, tv, etc etc

Being out on HER terms made me emasculated. She controlled everything. She did ask me back a few times but I told her no, not until I know you won't toss me again. (Another mistake. I should have went back and if she did say get out again I could have told her no you leave. You can't make me homeless because of your feelings. I have rights too).

Once you are out, getting back home becomes another issue if you try R. During MC we wasted too much time on that and not our real issues. 

The longer you are out, the easier it is for her to detach. Which then leads to her seeing the relationship as hopeless. If you are not there fulfilling her wants and needs she'll look elsewhere. 

IN YOUR CASE MOST OF THIS DOESN'T APPLY. 

Because of HER actions I would demand that she leaves since she wants out of the relationship. Get her out. If not possible, leave on YOUR TERMS. You cannot allow it to be viewed as you abandoning your child and relationship.

Once you two are separated I would follow the other's recommendation of NC and 180. Prepare for life without her. Right now she is not your friend.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Unmarried so you do have an uphill, but not impossible, battle ahead.

Has paternity been established? Are you on the birth certificate as father?

Don't move out until a court orders you. Stay involved with the child. Know who the pediatrician/family practitioner is. The pharmacy you use. Make sure they know you and can connect you to your child. You get the idea. Be involved. 

A digital recorder. You'll be happy you have it as soon as she attempts to file a false DV charge. Learn about documentation and court room evidence. 

50/50 overnights and joint legal custody should be your settling point. 

Prepare for physical security. Once your fiance finds out she's getting the boot, it's going to be rough. She'll be after your documentation, etc. A $50 lock box in your trunk is helpful here.

Stay calm and smart about it all.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

Great advice thank you all. The recorder is a great idea, I also keep my phone with me in the event that she goes on a tirade I can record the event. For my own defense as well. WallsAreUp I will let you know what the lawyer says next week. Right now I am spending as much time with my daughter as possible and keeping a record of everything I do for her (that was a recommendation from another poster, thank you!) The 180 is helping me out as well. Starting to work out and reading more seems to help. 

Malpheous - I don't plan on moving out or doing anything that drastic until I speak with the lawyer. I really would like joint custody, I understand how important it is for both parents to be involved. 

Pictureless - Thank you for your response. Yes she is literally trying to make my life miserable so I leave. Very selfish thinking, my daughter has not even come up in any of her conversations. I.e. what happens with her? what if she doesn't see me? etc.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Mainstays said:


> Pictureless - Thank you for your response.


You're welcome. Please read anything and everything here on TAM and learn. I think I would be doing better emotionally by now if I did.

More of my mistakes to learn by: if YOU have to leave the home instead of her, do not assume you will be able to go back to get your personally owned private property.

Again, once you are out, you are out. Mine changed the locks. We ended up trying to R but that failed. The day after D-day #2 I gave her back my key. MISTAKE! I still had plenty of stuff there which I left from the first time and the failed R. I'm never getting any of that back now.

Get all receipts for ALL jointly purchased property. Make a list of everything you two chipped in and bought together. You are going to find that her recollection of who bought what and for how much is vastly different from yours. Mine tried to claim she should get an expensive item we bought 50/50 because one year her tax returns were higher than mine.

PREPARE for the worst. Assume you mean nothing to her now. Truths about your shared history will be rewritten and thrown in your face. It distracts from her POS behaviors and screws with your mind. Gets you thinking you did something to deserve this.

Start planning for custody. Yes, it doesn't hurt to think that far down the road. Where will you live? Near work? Will it be near wife and child? Who will drop kid off to school? Who will pick kid up? Which holidays will child be with? What faith will child be raised in? How will kid's school/sports/social activities be paid for? How will parenting disputes be litigated? 

You're lucky. At least you have a kid to show for your relationship. That love will never forsake you.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

*Update*

Saw the Lawyer today, she was really nice. Explained to me that the courts should allow me to see my daughter at least 50% of the time so that is great! I just hope her mother understands how important it is for me to be in her life. Chances are I will have to pay child support but I can't be angry at a law I had nothing to do with. (even though it’s very unfair) I am just glad I still will be able to see her. So this summer I will probably be single after many many many years of being with my fiancé. Also, for the first time in my life I will be a single dad. I will have to have the "conversation" soon, probably in a couple weeks. I really have to work on the delivery. From what I have been hearing she just wants me to go away anyway, so this should be easy right? I still love her and if she wants to make this work out and go to counseling then great. I doubt it though. Especially since she has been making fun of our 0 sex life with her male friend and tells people at work she wants to be alone and she is better off without me. That is fine because I know I’m a good man and my happiness is worth it. One day at a time and I keep telling myself how grateful I am for a beautiful baby girl and my health. 

Money is one thing and it will be tight but everyone can adapt right? Maybe a part time job when I don't have my daughter. Hopefully things will work out peacefully but I think that only happens in Hollywood. Thank you all for your posts and if everyone doesn't mind I will keep posting updates. We will see what happens after the "conversation"


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Mainstays said:


> *Update*
> 
> I just hope her mother understands how important it is for me to be in her life


At this point it doesn't matter if she understands or not. Fight for your 50%. She's just as much your child as she is your wife's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

*Update*

It's all out on the table.

Finally had the discussion of how unhappy we have been the last few months to a year. How things have changed and how she has been acting recently. She agreed, she seemed very upset about the fact that she won't be seeing our daughter every day. That I can understand but I explained to her that her happiness is very important to me and if she isn't happy in our relationship, she shouldn't be in it. Also, I would never keep our daughter away from her. Our lease on our apartment ends next month so the timing couldn't be better if things do not work out.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life and my relationship. I would really want to make it work, so I gave her the option if she wanted to stay that would be great but she would have to put a lot of work and effort into our relationship. This conversation was last week and she still hasn't given me an answer. One activity I came up with is writing down what we likes/dislikes about our relationship and discussing it this weekend. To be honest, I am afraid of losing someone I have been with for almost 10 years and I acknowledge I could have done things differently. Nobody is perfect but I would like to get it right and see if we can salvage what we have. It doesn't seem that she will be challenging custody either. In the state I am in, the judges typically favor joint custody. So that is good. 

If not, I understand and am ready to move on with my life, continue to be a great father and meet someone who will want share her life with me. What I am finally realizing is that if you’re unhappy with the relationship you’re in and don’t do anything about it, that is the worst possible state to be in. That is a rut, I finally stood up for myself and nothing but good can come of it. More to come

Stay Tuned.


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