# Sorting through feelings



## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

Sorry, very long post! My ex husband and I were together for 15 years, married for 5 if those 15 years. We are both 31 (highschool sweethearts). We have 1 child together. We are now separated for a couple of months. 

I found out when I was 5 months pregnant that my ex had and affair (lasted over a year), and I only discovered this because the mistress reached out to me. He was using an alias while talking to women online so his mistress had no idea that he was married with a child on the way. He apparently let something slip that made her question his identity and then through some digging on social media she found me. I confronted him, he seemed genuinely remorseful, I forgave him and we tried to work on our marriage. Looking back now, and perhaps because I was so focused on the pregnancy, there was no real active work done. I went to therapy on my own but he constantly refused individual and or couples therapy. Fast forward to almost a year after our son was born and I get a message from his old mistress. The mistress created a fake profile on a dating app to help catch her sisters cheating husband and turns out my ex husband contacted that profile. The mistress gave me the login information and I used the profile to speak with my ex (without him knowing it was me). He obviously said some very inappropriate things being that he was married with child. I confronted him about it when he got home that evening. Again, crying, apologizing ect. He said that he wanted to go to couples therapy, I said no I think there needs to be some individual therapy before the topic of couple anything is discussed. He did not like that answer. The conversation was left at that. The next morning he told me he wanted to separate. Turns out that when I denied his request for couples therapy he contacted a woman who he had spoken to online in the past (using the alias) and met up with her. She is aware that he lied about who he was when he first contacted her. She is aware that he cheated throughout our marriage (I recently discovered that he cheated on me 3 times in the 5 years we were married) and that we have a child together. Despite all of this they are now living together. He has moved 3.5 hours away from his son to live with this woman that he has known for a couple of months. He says that he lost his emotional connection to me for some time now and felt that we got married too young and that might of hindered our abilities to build strong communication and a true emotional connection. Also blamed me for a lot of things. He never once said these things to me in our marriage. He carried on like everything was okay. Even after I found out about the initial infidelity I would be sure to check in, try and communicate with him ect and he would always tell me everything is fine that there are no issues. 

I know he is a complete ass for what he did and I know I am way better iff without him, but I do still feel sad about the good times we had and mourn what I thought my future was going to look like. 

I just wanted to get this off my chest.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am sorry this has happened. You did not deserve this. Some people are fun saturday night dates and good for weekend getaways and nights out on the town. They may be fun and exciting in bed. But they are simply not good marriage and parent material. 

Your feelings of mourning are valid. This is like a death in a number of ways. It's not only the end of the marriage and partnership, it is also the death of your dreams and what you thought your life would be. 

Like any death, you mourn, you grieve, you go through the grief process of denial, negotiating, anger, depression and ultimately acceptance. You give it a proper funeral and burial and then move on.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So sorry this happened to you. You should know that it didn't happen because of anything you did wrong. Your husband is a serial cheater. It's just a character flaw he has and he's looking to rationalize it away with some BS about a lacking "emotional connection." 

Think about the fact that he won't even be there for his own son. That reveals the kind of man he is. Soon you'll be hearing about the failure of his latest relationship as he gets caught cheating again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RNSoSo said:


> Sorry, very long post! My ex husband and I were together for 15 years, married for 5 if those 15 years. We are both 31 (highschool sweethearts). We have 1 child together. We are now separated for a couple of months.
> 
> I found out when I was 5 months pregnant that my ex had and affair (lasted over a year), and I only discovered this because the mistress reached out to me. He was using an alias while talking to women online so his mistress had no idea that he was married with a child on the way. He apparently let something slip that made her question his identity and then through some digging on social media she found me. I confronted him, he seemed genuinely remorseful, I forgave him and we tried to work on our marriage. Looking back now, and perhaps because I was so focused on the pregnancy, there was no real active work done. I went to therapy on my own but he constantly refused individual and or couples therapy. Fast forward to almost a year after our son was born and I get a message from his old mistress. The mistress created a fake profile on a dating app to help catch her sisters cheating husband and turns out my ex husband contacted that profile. The mistress gave me the login information and I used the profile to speak with my ex (without him knowing it was me). He obviously said some very inappropriate things being that he was married with child. I confronted him about it when he got home that evening. Again, crying, apologizing ect. He said that he wanted to go to couples therapy, I said no I think there needs to be some individual therapy before the topic of couple anything is discussed. He did not like that answer. The conversation was left at that. The next morning he told me he wanted to separate. Turns out that when I denied his request for couples therapy he contacted a woman who he had spoken to online in the past (using the alias) and met up with her. She is aware that he lied about who he was when he first contacted her. She is aware that he cheated throughout our marriage (I recently discovered that he cheated on me 3 times in the 5 years we were married) and that we have a child together. Despite all of this they are now living together. He has moved 3.5 hours away from his son to live with this woman that he has known for a couple of months. He says that he lost his emotional connection to me for some time now and felt that we got married too young and that might of hindered our abilities to build strong communication and a true emotional connection. Also blamed me for a lot of things. He never once said these things to me in our marriage. He carried on like everything was okay. Even after I found out about the initial infidelity I would be sure to check in, try and communicate with him ect and he would always tell me everything is fine that there are no issues.
> 
> ...


so sorry that you have been treated so badly by your POS WH. The best thing for you to do is get therapy for yourself and get a good bulldog lawyer and give your POS WH a divorce but make sure he pays for his kid and your maintenance.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RNSoSo said:


> Sorry, very long post! My ex husband and I were together for 15 years, married for 5 if those 15 years. We are both 31 (highschool sweethearts). We have 1 child together. We are now separated for a couple of months.
> 
> I found out when I was 5 months pregnant that my ex had and affair (lasted over a year), and I only discovered this because the mistress reached out to me. He was using an alias while talking to women online so his mistress had no idea that he was married with a child on the way. He apparently let something slip that made her question his identity and then through some digging on social media she found me. I confronted him, he seemed genuinely remorseful, I forgave him and we tried to work on our marriage. Looking back now, and perhaps because I was so focused on the pregnancy, there was no real active work done. I went to therapy on my own but he constantly refused individual and or couples therapy. Fast forward to almost a year after our son was born and I get a message from his old mistress. The mistress created a fake profile on a dating app to help catch her sisters cheating husband and turns out my ex husband contacted that profile. The mistress gave me the login information and I used the profile to speak with my ex (without him knowing it was me). He obviously said some very inappropriate things being that he was married with child. I confronted him about it when he got home that evening. Again, crying, apologizing ect. He said that he wanted to go to couples therapy, I said no I think there needs to be some individual therapy before the topic of couple anything is discussed. He did not like that answer. The conversation was left at that. The next morning he told me he wanted to separate. Turns out that when I denied his request for couples therapy he contacted a woman who he had spoken to online in the past (using the alias) and met up with her. She is aware that he lied about who he was when he first contacted her. She is aware that he cheated throughout our marriage (I recently discovered that he cheated on me 3 times in the 5 years we were married) and that we have a child together. Despite all of this they are now living together. He has moved 3.5 hours away from his son to live with this woman that he has known for a couple of months. He says that he lost his emotional connection to me for some time now and felt that we got married too young and that might of hindered our abilities to build strong communication and a true emotional connection. Also blamed me for a lot of things. He never once said these things to me in our marriage. He carried on like everything was okay. Even after I found out about the initial infidelity I would be sure to check in, try and communicate with him ect and he would always tell me everything is fine that there are no issues.
> 
> ...


It takes a long time to completely get someone you live out of your head. I know exactly how you feel. I admire you for having the courage to separate and get away from this sleazy ex of yours which WILL almost 100% contact you again, so be ready for it.
Many women in your position would not have the character and courage to get out of this.
Just know that given some time, you’ll forget about this person who does NOT have your same character. And when a man that does have some character comes along, I assure you that the pleasure of such a man’s company will be far different than what you’ve experienced in the past. I hope you do not forget your first husband, those memories will make you appreciate a good man so much more.. 
good luck,
You sound like quite a woman.


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## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

Tatsuhiko said:


> So sorry this happened to you. You should know that it didn't happen because of anything you did wrong. Your husband is a serial cheater. It's just a character flaw he has and he's looking to rationalize it away with some BS about a lacking "emotional connection."
> 
> Think about the fact that he won't even be there for his own son. That reveals the kind of man he is. Soon you'll be hearing about the failure of his latest relationship as he gets caught cheating again.


The logical side of me knows I did not do anything wrong but then the emotional side of me questions whether I could have done something different while we were together that could have changed the outcome. Again, I know he should have voiced any issues he was having with me or our marriage but I go back and think was I just so in my own bubble that I did not see that he was unhappy and disconnected (he was always a quiet, low key, not overly affectionate person). He says I did not try hard enough to build strong communication with him or a true emotional connection. I should have pushed more when I would check in on him to see how he was doing. Just so many thoughts you know.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

RNSoSo said:


> The logical side of me knows I did not do anything wrong but then the emotional side of me questions whether I could have done something different while we were together that could have changed the outcome. Again, I know he should have voiced any issues he was having with me or our marriage but I go back and think was I just so in my own bubble that I did not see that he was unhappy and disconnected (he was always a quiet, low key, not overly affectionate person). He says I did not try hard enough to build strong communication with him or a true emotional connection. I should have pushed more when I would check in on him to see how he was doing. Just so many thoughts you know.


Cheating is 100% on the cheater.


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## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> It takes a long time to completely get someone you live out of your head. I know exactly how you feel. I admire you for having the courage to separate and get away from this sleazy ex of yours which WILL almost 100% contact you again, so be ready for it.
> Many women in your position would not have the character and courage to get out of this.
> Just know that given some time, you’ll forget about this person who does NOT have your same character. And when a man that does have some character comes along, I assure you that the pleasure of such a man’s company will be far different than what you’ve experienced in the past. I hope you do not forget your first husband, those memories will make you appreciate a good man so much more..
> good luck,
> You sound like quite a woman.


Thank you so much! I'm just full of emotions. I know I do not want to be with him. If he came back today and begged for forgiveness I would 100% turn him away, but then I still feel sad that he is no longer here. I feel like I've been left behind to pick up the pieces (I'm still in the marital home which we have sold and I'm looking for a new place for my son and I). Its like he just moved on so quickly and forgot about anyone and everyone in his past and is living his best life, while I am just here .


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RNSoSo said:


> Its like he just moved on so quickly and forgot about anyone and everyone in his past and is living his best life, while I am just here.


Do you actually think the way your husband is living is his "best life"? Sure, he quickly moved on, but I doubt he's any more emotionally invested in this latest relationship than he was the marriage. 

Your husband not only cheated and lied to you, but he had the audacity to lay the blame for his abhorrent behavior at your feet. I'd suggest you ditch the feelings of sadness and trade them in for relief. This guy is a total creep and a loser. He was never really committed to you or the marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re still grieving. Don’t let your emotions for the person you mistakenly thought you married , cloud your view of him. He’s a terrible person and guess what—// easily replaces with a better man.
Take your time, grieve your loss. Stay strong. Be a person you’re proud to be, a good man will notice and come a-running.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RNSoSo said:


> Thank you so much! I'm just full of emotions. I know I do not want to be with him. If he came back today and begged for forgiveness I would 100% turn him away, but then I still feel sad that he is no longer here. I feel like I've been left behind to pick up the pieces (I'm still in the marital home which we have sold and I'm looking for a new place for my son and I). Its like he just moved on so quickly and forgot about anyone and everyone in his past and is living his best life, while I am just here .


That stings, it’s really hard to deal with divorcing but to have them just act like you never meant anything on top of it? Ouch.

It doesn’t make you feel much better I’m sure, but his best life is nothing compared to what yours is. I think you will find true happiness one day and realize that you are capable of so much more than you were inside this relationship with him. You may even sometime feel glad that you are free and unencumbered by him. Give yourself some grace, you are allowed to miss him, and feel hurt for all the many wrongs he’s done to you. But understand that you are valuable and worthy of a great life, he is unable to take that from you. Your child is a gift, and you did get the best part of your XH in that way.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

RNSoSo said:


> The logical side of me knows I did not do anything wrong but then the emotional side of me questions whether I could have done something different while we were together that could have changed the outcome. Again, I know he should have voiced any issues he was having with me or our marriage but I go back and think was I just so in my own bubble that I did not see that he was unhappy and disconnected (he was always a quiet, low key, not overly affectionate person). He says I did not try hard enough to build strong communication with him or a true emotional connection. I should have pushed more when I would check in on him to see how he was doing. Just so many thoughts you know.


I am sorry that you have to deal with a deceiving and morally-bankrupt (soon to be ex) husband who repeatedly lied to you and cheated on you, even when you were pregnant with his son. Nothing you could have done would have stopped his cheating. Nothing you could have said would have prevented him from creating fake accounts and contacting women online and cheating on you with these women. As everyone has been saying on this thread, he has a character flaw and he is not doing anything to work on it or correct it. When you feel sadness as you grieve this relationship, remember that your sadness stems from the years you lost loving and trusting him and he betrayed your trust in so many ways. I agree with the posters who suggested that you seek therapy. It will help you go through the grieving process and restore your faith in men and humanity in general. It hurts badly, and you need to validate your feelings but you don't need to blame yourself for anything. It's ALL on him. His cheating won't stop.


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## Recovered1 (Nov 8, 2021)

RNSoSo said:


> Sorry, very long post! My ex husband and I were together for 15 years, married for 5 if those 15 years. We are both 31 (highschool sweethearts). We have 1 child together. We are now separated for a couple of months.
> 
> I found out when I was 5 months pregnant that my ex had and affair (lasted over a year), and I only discovered this because the mistress reached out to me. He was using an alias while talking to women online so his mistress had no idea that he was married with a child on the way. He apparently let something slip that made her question his identity and then through some digging on social media she found me. I confronted him, he seemed genuinely remorseful, I forgave him and we tried to work on our marriage. Looking back now, and perhaps because I was so focused on the pregnancy, there was no real active work done. I went to therapy on my own but he constantly refused individual and or couples therapy. Fast forward to almost a year after our son was born and I get a message from his old mistress. The mistress created a fake profile on a dating app to help catch her sisters cheating husband and turns out my ex husband contacted that profile. The mistress gave me the login information and I used the profile to speak with my ex (without him knowing it was me). He obviously said some very inappropriate things being that he was married with child. I confronted him about it when he got home that evening. Again, crying, apologizing ect. He said that he wanted to go to couples therapy, I said no I think there needs to be some individual therapy before the topic of couple anything is discussed. He did not like that answer. The conversation was left at that. The next morning he told me he wanted to separate. Turns out that when I denied his request for couples therapy he contacted a woman who he had spoken to online in the past (using the alias) and met up with her. She is aware that he lied about who he was when he first contacted her. She is aware that he cheated throughout our marriage (I recently discovered that he cheated on me 3 times in the 5 years we were married) and that we have a child together. Despite all of this they are now living together. He has moved 3.5 hours away from his son to live with this woman that he has known for a couple of months. He says that he lost his emotional connection to me for some time now and felt that we got married too young and that might of hindered our abilities to build strong communication and a true emotional connection. Also blamed me for a lot of things. He never once said these things to me in our marriage. He carried on like everything was okay. Even after I found out about the initial infidelity I would be sure to check in, try and communicate with him ect and he would always tell me everything is fine that there are no issues.
> 
> ...


I am going through a similar situation. Except I knew about and forgave several affairs. We have not separated yet, because he doesn't know I know about his recent affairs.
I will be telling him next week. Right now I'm planning my exit.
Talk to an attorney and move one with your life. Don't wait to be my age 55, and start over again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RNSoSo said:


> The logical side of me knows I did not do anything wrong but then the emotional side of me questions whether I could have done something different while we were together that could have changed the outcome. Again, I know he should have voiced any issues he was having with me or our marriage but I go back and think was I just so in my own bubble that I did not see that he was unhappy and disconnected (he was always a quiet, low key, not overly affectionate person). He says I did not try hard enough to build strong communication with him or a true emotional connection. I should have pushed more when I would check in on him to see how he was doing. Just so many thoughts you know.


Naw, there is nothing you could have done, if he was anyway a half decent man or human being he would have sat you down and said we have a problem, we are losing our connection, etc. not gone out and had a string of affairs. This is ********, it is called blame shifting cause he does not want to take responsibility for his own disgusting behavior. This is fairly typical with unremorseful cheaters.
If he has any moral fibre or decency, he would have been there for his pregnant wife and soon to be mother of his child. It is painful I know, but it looks like you may have made a lucky escape. You are still young enough to meet a decent man, who will treat you with respect.

He may have moved away with the fling, I wouldn't be surprised when it goes south with her and it probably will, he will use his connection to you, to come crawling back. Do not let him. He will only cause you more misery. Make your escape now, get a bull dog lawyer and divorce him.


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