# Wife wants to go, I'm distraught!



## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I don't know where to start really, just joining here and talking about it is painful.

We are both in our late twenties.

We have been married six years, we have a daughter who is 14 months old.

In august during an argument she said she didn't want to be with me and that I had missed the signs and it was too late. On reflection I can see things I have done and ways I have acted that would make her feel bad but was just oblivious at the time. Nobody is perfect obviously and she rarely allows me to voice my own concerns without arguing or trying to deflect the blame. I know I have been very grumpy and had a short tempter and been snappy which over months and months has made her feel unloved and unhappy.

She suffers from hormonal problems and can have massive mood swings so I'm used to her saying things like this in the midst of an emotional outburst when I've done nothing wrong but it usually blows over, this time it is different.

I'm still not sure the things she bought up were enough to justify her decision and she never wrote to me or tried to talk to me on our own away from the kid etc.

Anyway for some reason things stabilized again for a while, she says guilt but I don't know if that's true or she has mixed feelings. For a few months she acted like nothing had happened and I said we would have to discuss the issues and work things out or it would just rear it's head again but that never happened and some of the time felt good and normal but a lot of the time it was hard to feel natural and spontaneous because as far as I was concerned this huge issue was hovering there unaddressed. A few weeks ago she said she wanted to leave again, then after about a week it was back to acting normal again and we had sex and talked about buying a sofa etc and the whole time I still though "this is crazy we need to TALK" but then about a week ago she said again it was over during an argument and started talking about "i'm worried how you will cope on your own" and arrangements with the child etc, all very cold and emotionless.

She has certainly got it set in her mind she is making the right decision. Is there a third party? Possibly although I don't think there is and I have found no evidence.

Back in the year she arranged to go on holiday to Tunisia with her family and some extended family and I declined because I am very uncomfortable in warm climates and there were people I wasn't very familiar with and I wasn't sure we could afford it but not wanting the baby to miss out I suggested she go with the baby and I stay here. Obviously I realise that was a big mistake now and might well have contributed to things, they left yesterday and I already miss them both.

When they come back I expect things to get serious in regards to separation.

I love her so much and my love increased tenfold after the baby came along, I love her and I love our baby and there's this sort of feeling I have for them together that I can't explain, it's like the two of them are my life.

She doesn't want to try counselling, I've tried getting us to talk etc but she isn't interested. I said she should live with her mother a while to get space as her mother only lives round the corner literally two houses away but she doesn't seem interested in that either.

Now or then we talk and some emotion comes out, she will start talking about something that has hurt her or she wants to be changed but then she will catch herself and pull the shutters back down.

She used to be very loving and affectionate and now it kills me to not be able to tell her how much I love her but I feel that saying such things will only do damage at the moment. As much as it kills me I feel like she should be on her own before it could ever get better if it ever does because things have gone far enough that there is a tension between us that prevents any natural behavior.

I'm sure you hear it all the time but i'm so scared, she means the world to me, I can't bear the thought of not having her. I can't stand the idea of us not being together as a family. I feel so stupid to know a little bit more thought 6 months ago would have helped and now my heart is screaming and I could tell her how I feel for hours yet it doesn't make a difference at all.

I wish she would try harder, I feel like we missed a the part in between giving off signs and the brick wall I'm getting now.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I would prefer to just talk on the forum but thanks. It's horrible isn't it? It's so hard to see them so cold. Like a different person who just looks like your wife.

I wonder if it's worth mentioning that her parents separated once before she was born and the again for good in her teens. I don't know if that has any meaning. She can be a very angry person and is usually in a foul mood with or not speaking to at least one family member, sometimes it lasts a long time but often blows over very quickly. This seems different. Sometimes I wonder if she is stressed or depressed and it isn't really so much our marriage that is the problem but I don't want to give myself false hope. A lot has changed in our lives with the baby and she has a stressful job working awkward hours then she has a horse to take care of and trying to remain social and making sure the baby visits all the family etc. I wonder ifnshe is burned out and needs to blame something so that it makes sense but I'm not making assumptions. It seems obvious now that we will seperate even if there's a hope of reconciliation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you ever read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you ever read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover?


I haven't no, I'm not sure if I was Mr nice guy, it's just she could always scream the loudest!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo said:


> I haven't no, I'm not sure if I was Mr nice guy, it's just she could always scream the loudest!


After reading your story, it sounds like you would benefit.

She makes the most noise, you cave in to "keep the peace".

Sound familiar?

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you ever read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover?


Great book! 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Whichever path you take, you should ask yourself something: Do you honestly beleive that you can "change" someone's mind? 
or..."Do you think you can change someone's heart?" 
What is change to you? You will say you are prepared to "change" but are you truly ready for what "change" may have in store for you? 
Life is tough, people make decisions and others live with them or they make decisions of their own. 
Relationships change all the time, if you are un-bending in the stream the current will snap you. 
There is no right or wrong here, only your personal situation matters. Be true to yourself first. Clean your house.(metaphor)
Do you best. 
If things change, be ready for them as best you can..it just happens. 
Only God knows his plan for us. Don't despair, be happy for health and family, that which you have..hold close. Put aside your attachements long enough and you will clearly see your worth.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm really having a bad evening.

We met on the internet, she lived in Wales and I lived in England. She began to visit me every week nearly even though it was expensive.

When we decided we needed more I moved to Wales because I wasn't too fond of my job and it was exciting, I've never regretted it or looked back.

But now it scared me because I will be so alone. I don't drive either so getting back to see family and more importantly taking the child to see family is going to be tough.

She is on holiday and I am alone in the house, her stuff is everywhere and I keep thinking that soon it won't be and it kills me. I love her so much, so deeply and she used to feel the same and now that she doesn't it's killing me.

I thought if our relationship was going to fail it would have been early on because we were young and the whole moving thing was so romantic and idyllic, I can't believe how far we have come for this to happen now.

I'm in such a bad place at the moment, she means everything to me. I try to console myself that I will still have my daughter and that's amazing but I want the three of us to be together, it just feels wrong any other way. She's the only one with complete empathy for how I feel about our baby, the only one who understands when I get all emotional over silly little things she has done because it makes her heart throb as well.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Obviously, her heart doesn't throb in quite the same way.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Come on man, she's not the "only one". 
Your daughter feels your love, you keep that up! You will raise a wonderful girl by supporting her in this way. 
Try to remember, you aren't going to change your EX, she must come to accept change.. sometimes, people don't accept change at all. That's their perogative. You can't will this situation to your end, you are only draining yourself of vital energy by sinking into these thoughts. 
Clear your mind or try at least to develop methods to arrive at nuetrality in your thoughts. Only by balancing your mind will your ability to see clearly and come about. 
Suffering is universal, emancipation from it is the goal.
Everyone deserves happiness but happiness comes from within.
Quiet the mind. It is in fight or flight mode. 
Focus on positive energy.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

I would read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Primer". Both helped me.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> After reading your story, it sounds like you would benefit.
> 
> She makes the most noise, you cave in to "keep the peace".
> 
> ...


It's true sometimes yeah to be fair.

But other times I do talk some sense into her, when she has lost all respect for rationality lol

It's weird because she tells her friends one of the things she respects most about me is that I will stop her when she is ranting and being foolish but she never tells me that lol


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo said:


> It's true sometimes yeah to be fair.
> 
> But other times I do talk some sense into her, when she has lost all respect for rationality lol
> 
> It's weird because she tells her friends one of the things she respects most about me is that I will stop her when she is ranting and being foolish but she never tells me that lol


Attraction and respect begin subconsciously.

On matters like this, never listen to what people say.

Watch what they actually do.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I feel for ya. My wife was the same way. She had problems with me and instead of just sitting me down and explaining what the issue was she played the hinting game. Personally I don't take hints that well and can barely pick out any moments where they were given. I find the whole thing childish. Just speak your mind. Some people are too overcomplicated for their own good if you ask me. I really hate drama. /end-rant


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well she has moved into her mothers temporarily. I was upset at the time but I had honestly thought some separation was for the best and after she left and I calmed down I felt a sense of calm, perhaps because things had come to a head and the anticipation was gone.

Her mother literally lives around the corner, a 60 second walk so it's good in a way because I get to see my girl a lot but there's the problem of compromising any potential benefits of the separation, she has already suggest I come around too much but seemed to think it was an attempt to be around her when it's more to do with seeing my child and her parents at the moment, her presence makes me feel awkward ( I was a bit annoyed that she thought so highly of herself!)

I'm trying to be quite calm about it, I know begging and gifts and letters etc are counter-productive at the moment and are only of any use if and when the other person decides they want to try and fix things, until then such gestures can push someone further by making them feel harassed etc.

I'm not sure I'm doing the complete 180 but I am trying to keep myself occupied and shatter her illusion that I am curled up in a corner somewhere waiting for her to come back because I'm certain she thinks that. 

I think it's best she realises she can't take anything for granted and think she has the upper hand and total control of the situation, I think it would help if she realises how different things would be without me.

If we do work it out things need to be a lot more balanced, admittedly she has hormonal problems (she has pcos) but she manages to keep herself in check around strangers so she is capable of containing herself so the random screaming matches and dramatics need to stop, she has cried wolf so many times I don't think she realises the effect that has on someone. 

A lot of times she will have a hormonal outburst but then feel fine the next day because there was nothing genuinely wrong but in the process she has made me genuinely upset so even though her dramatics were for show she has made real damage to me, she has recovered to normality but has left me with genuine scars that take longer to heal so while she might feel fine hours after saying she hates me or whatever I can feel bad for a week, she doesn't seem to have any understanding of that at all, because she knows it wasn't genuine she thinks it hasn't had any deep effect on me either.

And it is true, I normally keep quiet to keep the peace because it's just not worth the hassle, she has no respect for rationality, she can't accept that things upset me too so when I say I am upset about something she always invents something she is upset about worse, she wont back down or admit being wrong, she will say something absolutely ridiculous or just scream or make threats etc (no wonder I had gotten grumpy and irritable over the years!)

I dare say she can be immature.

This whole dynamic needs to change if things are to ever work.

I've spent so long not even bothering to voice my grievances that she genuinely doesn't seem to believe I've ever been upset about things in our marriage.

It's weird because other times she can be incredibly thoughtful and will fret over things that that don't bother me at all, it can be maddening because she will do inconsiderate things like say she will be an hour and then take three when shopping or seeing her horse etc (she has been like this her whole life, can't stop yapping to friends etc) and cannot understand why that is inconsiderate but then she will literally panic over something trivial.

So anyways, I'm trying to be around her less but not be overly cold or warm, I will talk to her willingly about serious stuff but I'm not going to sit there while she talks about work etc because as far as I'm concerned she gave up that kind of thing when she walked out, I'm not letting her walk out but then still have various benefits of marriage, she wont respect me or miss me that way.

I do have one question, she is going to a halloween party tonight, I said jokingly that maybe she wanted to show me her costume afterwards (nudge nudge wink wink) and while I'm not making assumptions let's just say her demeanour changed. I then said I wouldn't lock the door just in case and she made out she didn't hear me and asked me to repeat myself then she said "it's a good job I didn't answer then" with a sort of subtle grin.

I'm not saying there was anything definite there but she was obviously thinking about it and didn't give me any kind of "that would be inappropriate" response

I feel like if I said something similar again later before she goes just like "I'll see you later maybe" something maybe possibly would happen but am I right in thinking this would not be a good thing to do?

Obviously sexual frustration gets the better of everyone and I guess potentially it could help but my common sense says it would just make things more awkward and complicated.

Again I'm not saying it would definitely happen but her demeanour at that point changed temporarily and I guess it's one of life's great temptations. I don't want to approach anything like that if it's counter productive though...


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## kramber (Oct 30, 2012)

I'm in a similar situation. Reading posts on this site will show you that these type of situations are quite common. 

I'm trying to figure out the best way to respond to my separation as well. It seems that reading posts here, that the 'man up' or fix yourself and be all business with your wife/girl/partner is the way to go. It's extremely difficult because people like you and I love our wives rationally, but made decisions that made them feel unloved or they grew apart, etc. 

Good luck. Be patient and continue to show your daughter love and care. 

Here's an interesting link on this site:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I've managed to refrain from pretty much any displays of neediness or attempts to discuss things at all really.

Part of me thinks it's for the best but on the other hand I worry that maybe I should try and say something in case she thinks I've given up or no longer care at all.

I still care a lot but at the same time I'm not thinking about it too much so I can get on with things, I'm sort of worrying that if I'm not thinking about it too much she wont be either and wont miss me etc.

I guess what I'm saying is if I don't miss her THAT much even if it's only because I'm trying to ignore it what if she is doing the same thing and it just pushes us further apart?

I just don't know if I should continue the indifferent act or try and initiate conversations.

The problem is if I say something like hey I still care and want it to work but I'm just trying to live my every day life then it feels like all the power goes to her again and the balance swings in her favour.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Well I've managed to refrain from pretty much any displays of neediness or attempts to discuss things at all really.
> 
> Part of me thinks it's for the best but on the other hand I worry that maybe I should try and say something in case she thinks I've given up or no longer care at all.
> 
> ...


I wonder the same things but what I can tell you is : so far talking and being open (ie not 180) hasn't gotten me much of anywhere other than making the living situation bearable as we both try to act "normal". 

Maybe the 180 works, maybe it doesn't ... But near as I can tell being emotionally available doesn't do any good either. At least with the 180 you are somewhat shielding yourself from additional hurt. I typically regret when I fall back into being my nice-guy self


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

It is a wonderful book! I have gained a lot of insight about my hubbie and also myself. 
Some women would definitely benefit from reading this book!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Maybe instead of 'words about your feelings' you could just ask if she would like to go with you and the baby out to eat, or to a park, or the shopping mall. She can say yes or no. That way you show an interest without talking serious stuff that pressures her. 

If she agrees to go, then don't talk R. Just focus on having a nice time and keep it light. She will be intrigued if you want to hang out together but not talk about the marriage.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

The problem is she will just suspect me of trying to worm my way in so to speak but I will try a little bit further down the line. If it works and I actually come across as enjoyable to be around then it would be helpful. I accidentally scratched her back last night whilst sat next to her at her mother's place, totally absent minded but of course she was quick to voice her disapproval, I could have kicked myself!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I suggested taking the baby somewhere and as expected she saw a motive and said "I wouldn't want to give you the wrong ideas" so I sort of told her off a little because she seems to constantly assume everything I do is an attempt to reconcile whereas my mindset is more like it can't hurt but I have no expectations. 

I go round her mothers place a lot and she thinks that's a scheme to get her back to when I'm actually there a lot of the time when she isn't, I go to see her mother and step father for so I can be in that family environment with the baby, if it was a ploy to get her back then I wouldn't be there when she wasn't! Obviously I would like it to work out but she assumes so much!

She seems to think that if she told me she wanted to make it work things would instantly be ok and they wouldn't, so much would need to change but she still can't accept any fault and this morning she has really made that clear.

Since 8am she has been starting arguments, does she desire attention even if it's bad?

She said she missed out on so much from being with me, not true, she was with a succession of bad partners and even someone who said they didn't want to be with her but just have sex! She was in a bad place when I met her, so called friends making her life a misery (coincidentally a few years later she pestered me to give my blessing to having one of them back in her life and she just did something even worse to upset my wife again and left her in pieces, then a few weeks back she said I was controlling because I didn't want her to talk to this person again, after betraying her and making her feel devastated twice I'm the bad guy for not wanting her to let her back into her life again!)

But back on topic, her romantic life left a lot to be desired, she was cheapening herself for people that had no respect for her, she had dropped out of education etc then she has the nerve to say she missed out? I said yeah I bet when you picked up that new car you were missing the guy who would f**k you but wouldn't let you tell anyone you were boyfriend/girlfriend because he would be ashamed, your life has gone so wrong since you met me!

Since I've been with her she has got married, got a nice car, finished education, got a horse, had a child etc etc

Then she said every day with me was a battle and I explained how once a month she had enormous irrational outbursts where she said cruel and horrid things and then acted fine the next day. She literally said "normal couple have normal arguments" that made me really really angry, it was anything but normal, it was blazing screaming anger and spite and then acting like it had never happened the next day even though I would still be cut up.

I truly believe that even now she totally can't admit to herself that those outbursts hurt me and were completely abnormal and unjustifiable, she has absolutely no idea at all, no comprehension that she has caused me hurt too. That's why it's still hopeless, until she swallows her pride and does a little soul searching she will never understand her own issues. I did it, I manage to deprogram my ego and realise some things I did were wrong and that I just couldn't see it because of defensiveness and pride but she still hasn't got to that stage by the looks of things. I know she will just go and ask friends if it's true and they will say no and she will say well my friends said you're wrong etc, as if any of that has an effect on the truth, just lying to herself.

Even now when I say these things she just comes back with a counter argument or mentions things about the separation, bills and arrangements etc, making decisions out of pure SPITE, there's always a counter attack.

Now I know when she says "I know I'm not perfect" it's just words and she doesn't really have the ability to see her own wrongs.

Then she had the nerve to say I was selfish because I stayed in our house and she moved to her mums.

Her mother literally lives less than a minutes walk away, I moved to be with my wife, my family live 4 hours away, how would it make sense for me to move in with HER mother? She wanted to leave, why should I uproot myself and have to go through the hassle of finding somewhere?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

After all that she put on facebook "it's like banging my head against a wall" wtf? She messaged me not the other way around, she's still giving other people the impression I'm chasing after her when all I have done today is stand up for myself, I said nothing to justify that expression!

Then after hours of silence she initiates a normal and perfectly pleasant conversation about some guy selling baby stuff on facebook and asking do I think he's buying it on facebook then selling it on for profit, just a really non vital chit chat conversation, what's her game? I wouldn't have talked to her today at all by this point if she hadn't messaged me first then she makes out like im causing HER frustration!?

Perhaps my partial 180 is having an effect and bad attention is better than no attention to her?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Block her on Facebook or deactivate your account. Problem solved. No need for any extra drama.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm assuming that her erratic behavior and outbursts are related to her hormonal problems. What kind of treatment is she on?

The swings you describe, as well as the blindness to the effects on SO's is textbook for hormonal issues. Hormones are surging = anger/rage/sadness, hormones quiet down = all is forgotten. 

It sounds like her behavior as a result of this has taken a real toll on your feelings for her. Does she acknowledge this?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I'm assuming that her erratic behavior and outbursts are related to her hormonal problems. What kind of treatment is she on?
> 
> The swings you describe, as well as the blindness to the effects on SO's is textbook for hormonal issues. Hormones are surging = anger/rage/sadness, hormones quiet down = all is forgotten.
> 
> It sounds like her behavior as a result of this has taken a real toll on your feelings for her. Does she acknowledge this?


No that's the problem, like I said even yesterday she tried to play those mood swings down by not only saying they were "normal" arguments that "normal" couples have but also said I was the abnormal one! Then she said "living with you is such hard work" she seems incapable of understanding or even believing that she could have played an equal part in this. She can be very childish, always the victim, always someone else's fault, always a counter argument and a question always answered with another question. Her default response to me being unhappy about something was to trump it by coming up with something she was MORE upset about. The mood swings did die stop when she got pregnant and after the child came they became a lot less frequent but I think a lot of damage had been done by then anyway. I think it became normal for me to bite my tongue and not mention things but all that does allow things to build up and explode and before you know it something little sets you off and your reaction seems over the top but really it's just the straw that broke the camels back.

But I genuinely think now that when she says "I know I'm not perfect either" there's absolutely no insight whatsoever and until she can do some soul searching and realise that I'm just as capable of being hurt and upset about things it will just be meaningless words.

I can look back now and see that there's usually only been time for her problems and upsets and my issues have all too often been downplayed or disregarded. 

The problem is even now we couldn't have a constructive conversation about it because she still can't see it and can't let go of her pride/defensiveness/need to be the victim


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Block her on Facebook or deactivate your account. Problem solved. No need for any extra drama.


Believe me if I blocked her on facebook there would be REAL drama!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Believe me if I blocked her on facebook there would be REAL drama!



Also it worries me when she gives people the wrong impression on there because we have a lot of mutual friends.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Believe me if I blocked her on facebook there would be REAL drama!





mallycoo said:


> Also it worries me when she gives people the wrong impression on there because we have a lot of mutual friends.


If Facebook is causing problems, block her. She will be pissed but why do you care? If you are defending yourself or arguing on FB it make you both look bad. Take yourself out of the equation.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> If Facebook is causing problems, block her. She will be pissed but why do you care? If you are defending yourself or arguing on FB it make you both look bad. Take yourself out of the equation.


I worry about what she says in person too, because I uprooted and move here pretty much all of my friends were her friends too. Since this has started the ones she has told have been supportive of her and she seems to spend a huge amount of time with them and they haven't really bothered with me. I feel very hurt and left out. I feel like all I ever was to most of them was their friends husband and not a true friend in my own right like many of them claimed. She takes the kid around their places to play with thier kids etc, things we could have done any time when we were together but haven't so much. Now she seems to be going out of her way to do it and they all seem to invite her over and make her involved and only one person has really bothered with me. 

It was only recently we had started being more social like that, I'm very shy so it's hard work for me but recently there had been progress and she was saying she was proud of me so it hurts more because it feels like something that was just falling into reach and now it's being torn away.

I worry if she is giving them her biased side of the story and making me look bad.

This is really starting to bother me.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I worry about what she says in person too, because I uprooted and move here pretty much all of my friends were her friends too. Since this has started the ones she has told have been supportive of her and she seems to spend a huge amount of time with them and they haven't really bothered with me. I feel very hurt and left out. I feel like all I ever was to most of them was their friends husband and not a true friend in my own right like many of them claimed. She takes the kid around their places to play with thier kids etc, things we could have done any time when we were together but haven't so much. Now she seems to be going out of her way to do it and they all seem to invite her over and make her involved and only one person has really bothered with me.
> 
> It was only recently we had started being more social like that, I'm very shy so it's hard work for me but recently there had been progress and she was saying she was proud of me so it hurts more because it feels like something that was just falling into reach and now it's being torn away.
> 
> ...



Sounds like my situation. Wife having fun with "our" friends while no one has bothered to even see how I was doing. Regardless, I deactivated my FB account as I was getting nothing positive from it other than getting upset / angry / sad from seeing pictures etc.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Just been subjected to another rant!

I had the girl over night, I agreed to go round her mothers at midday knowing she wouldn't be there yet because she was going out to ride her horse. From what I can make out she got back later than she had said she would and came straight into the room and accused me of b**ching about her! I hadn't said a word, it made no difference to me when she got back! Then she asked how long I had been there before she got there as if it made any difference. She can't seem to understand I now go there to see her mother and step father and not her, she still seems to think I go round there to see her and to be honest, when she's ranting and sulking I most certainly don't want to be around her! 

Needless to say I got out of there as fast as I could!

I know there's a clash in a way because she left and then by me going round there I'm in her presence again but I try and avoid her when I can, why does she think I go to see her? As far as the marriage is concerned the ball is in her court, I can't control the situation so why would I go round there with that agenda?

I feel like she's trying to push me out and it's not fair because she seems to be getting a much better support group and presumably would be happy for me to sit at home alone and rot. Her mother and step father are some of the few people I have left to talk to.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are a few things about your situation that are sadly not uncommon. Perhaps you can seek some support by focusing on those:

1. Your wife's hormonal problems don't just make her unhappy, but also result in behaviors on her part that have serious effects on a family, esp. the husband. Your description is pretty much textbook.

2. People will make lots of compromises to be with the people they love. You've moved and changed your life for your wife & now, because of your child, you're stuck where you are without any real comfort or support.

You might try to find some groups or therapists who could help you deal with things like this, esp. (2).


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo,

You seem to think you can nice her out of this.

How has tiptoeing around her worked before?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Don't get sucked into the arguments. I don't care what she says and how untrue it may be, just walk away.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> mallycoo,
> 
> You seem to think you can nice her out of this.
> 
> How has tiptoeing around her worked before?


I suppose it's the only thing that has worked in a way and I think the rest of her family do it too. They are all guilty of not standing up to her.

It's ironic because her mother asked her to sort her washing out and she said "it's like being a kid" and I thought nope it's like being an adult, the only immature thing is you having to be told to do it. It's exactly the same situation in our house with the washing.

I'm honestly not trying to influence her feelings, I'm not making much effort in that direction at all really, she just thinks she has my number and that's half the problem. Yesterday for instance I wouldn't have made contact with her all day until the evening when I would have picked the girl up but I hadn't even got into work before she started an argument via sms messages and I basically gave as good as I got and then after I ignored her a few hours later she initiated some totally "normal" conversation about something random.

I haven't messaged her first or opened a line of conversation for weeks, I haven't mentioned the marriage for the same amount of time. I haven't called her since weeks before she left. Not once since she has gone have I begged or pleaded or even said I want to make it work or tried to woo her or openly talk about the relationship. A lot of the time she will talk to me pleasantly enough in a friendly way and I talk back in a similar manner, I don't indulge chit chat as much as before but I'm not rude either.

I think if anything I've been pretty neutral. The past few days she has been very argumentative and snappy with me even though I've basically not contacted her. She still seems to think I go round her mothers to be around her even though 50% of the time I'm there she isn't and even though I was out of there within 10 minutes of her getting back today.

It's like she can't see she's in my face more than I'm in hers and then talks on facebook as if I'm bothering her or not getting the message etc.

Sometimes I wonder if it's because that's what she expected and because it's not happening her feeling of being in control is compromised.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well since those things happened she has been calmer again, I don't know if that's to try and rebuild the illusion that she's so much better off without me or she just felt bad or what.

I get a nagging worry that by being so neutral and not saying anything I might be helping things to die? But then I'm pretty sure anything I would say would get shot down anyway. I just know sometimes they want to hear things even if they act like they disapprove.

I guess I worry because even if it's only a way of coping I can still manage to not dwell and worry about it constantly, if that's true for me it must surely be doubly true for her so will she ever think about things or miss me or what we had? Does my acting like I'm dealing with it just make her think there's really nothing left or make her feel she is making the right choice because I don't seem to care much?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Yesterday we talked about things a little but only via text message as usual. I still feel like she can't see any of her own faults and how they affect me. I think I'm partly to blame for that because just like her family I didn't stand my ground often enough. 

She genuinely thinks any issues I mention are an attempt to "score points" (her words) or just not real. She quite obviously considers all her gripes to be serious and real but not mine, she doesn't seem to give my feelings and grievances the same respect or consideration that she gives her own.

She mentioned scoring points and "winning" so many times, it was exasperating trying to explain that I had nothing to lose and I was just being honest and that sometimes when someone tries to point out your flaws it's because they want things to improve, not because they are trying to score points and win some kind of "who's the most hard done by" competition.

She literally sees everything as a personal attack.

She says how she doesn't love me and that you cant force love, can that really be 100% true?

But then she will say how I wasn't affectionate enough etc like there's still some feeling there.

It's frustrating because she's one of those types that has an ideal and then if you don't fulfil that exactly you might as well have not done anything, she said I never old her hand which is ridiculous, a few people have commented about how cute it is we still hold hands etc after 7 years, yet she literally thinks I never do and it's just not true. It feels like because I haven't done exactly the things she wanted or haven't done once specific thing it has voided everything else I did. Maybe I'm not the most affectionate person in the world but I must be above average, I was always holding her, squeezing her, putting my arm round her, kissing her, kissing her forehead, rubbing her back etc. She acts like I haven't touched her in years.

She literally seems blind to everything I have said and done because she's so preoccupied with things I haven't done.

But what she doesn't seem to realise through all of this is that there are things that make me unhappy too but again she just doesn't seem to give my gripes any credibility but gives her own enough importance to leave me over!?

It's just so frustrating and I feel like crap. People say you've still got your little girl and I have and I totally love her with all my heart but there's still a void there that a child cannot fill.

I still feel so lonely and afraid. I honestly think at the moment if she did ever want to come back it would go like this:

"I want to come back"

"Ok but we both have issues we need to work on"

"What???? OMG it was ALL you! You should be grateful I'm giving you another chance!"

"you're doing it right now, not giving my side of things any consideration"

"That's it, it's definitely over now, I don't know why I thought it would work!"

How can she give her own feelings such importance but basically be in denial about me having any at all?

I was feeling quite numb and calm last week but I'm feeling panic set in now


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Yesterday we talked about things a little but only via text message as usual. I still feel like she can't see any of her own faults and how they affect me. I think I'm partly to blame for that because just like her family I didn't stand my ground often enough.
> 
> She genuinely thinks any issues I mention are an attempt to "score points" (her words) or just not real. She quite obviously considers all her gripes to be serious and real but not mine, she doesn't seem to give my feelings and grievances the same respect or consideration that she gives her own.
> 
> ...


When I read it I felt like I posted this myself. Dude this is exactly what I am going through. You are 100% right about the reconciliation scenario, bc it is what happened to me. "I will call the whole thing off, if you want me too." My response "We both need work on ourselves, both of us did this, you need to realize the things you do hurt me and you need to care." To which eventually her response was "why are you attacking me, this is your fault not mine, why am I on trial here, you're the one who should be on trial."

You know how this plays out. I guarantee you have seen similar scenarios play out over the course of your marriage. It is always the same. I bet you were the one who always apologized regardless of who was wrong. These type of people are incapable of empathy. They will never be able to see how their words/actions hurt you. No matter how you try to explain it or show them, they will never understand and they will always take it as a personal attack. It is how they are wired and not your fault.

The most important factor in all of this is the health and well being of you and your daughter. You need to do what is best for the both of you. I know that right now, if I caved, and went back to my wife begging and pleading and offering whatever she wanted that she would call off our divorce. But all that would get me is a couple years in an awful relationship, for her to eventually pull the same garbage that she is doing now. What kind of example does that set for my son and daughter? Is that what I would want them to see as a "healthy" relationship?

You have to think about what is best for you and your daughter. As tough as it is to imagine moving on, would you really want to go back?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Recently things have been getting to me a lot and I feel like I'm going to try and talk to her alone, I'm not confident it will get me anywhere but I'm at breaking point and I feel like if I go on much longer I'm just going to end up having an outburst or getting angry etc which would probably be even worse.

Unfortunately for me I still love her and I miss her terribly, I miss her touch and her company and just to know she is there next to me at night. I miss shopping at the supermarket, I miss sitting in the car next to her, I miss texting each other when we are at work. I miss kissing each other goodbye and hello. Whenever I used to have a bad day I always used to think "never mind in a few hours we'll be in each others arms and nobody can take that away" There was no better feeling than embracing her in bed. Likewise with the child, the thought of her no longer being there 100% of the time just makes my heart want to stop beating. I was so proud of my little family, I need both of them in my life, it was supposed to be my duty to protect and care for them both. The fact we are no longer in this trinity feels so wrong, it just doesn't feel right that we are not a family any more. I think of how we made this child out of love, how we held each other teary eyed and overwhelmed with joy as she took her first look at us after coming into the world and I think about how much we love her and I wonder how that alone isn't enough for it to be worth trying.

She's always been quite outgoing and I've been quite shy, since this has happened she has pretty much carried on as normal socially, meeting with friends regularly and it makes me feel so excluded, so unwanted, I've been pushed out of my own life. It's especially bad when she takes the little girl to see friends kids, again it just feels fundamentally wrong that I'm not there, I should be there, this is the stuff I was looking forward to as well. Some of these mutual friends haven't even asked if I'm ok while embracing her with open arms. I don't know they have just blatantly taken sides or she has painted a typically one sided picture of my part in all this.

I just can't take it any more, It's killing me and I know I'm going to try and talk to her, try and reason with her. She can't suddenly not love me, between our 7 years together and this beautiful child there must be something left in her heart somewhere.

It's my 30th birthday on the 4th, I was a late bloomer relationship wise, I can't tell you how proud I was that I was going to be married and have a child in time for 30 but now it's going to be the most miserable birthday of my entire life. I feel like I have lost everything, I feel like she was just carried on and taken my life with her and I'm staring in through the window.

I can't believe she left because she said she felt unloved and here I am dying over it, loving her more than anyone ever could. And yet I see guys who are genuinely unloving get chance after chance. 

I love her, I love our child, I love all of it, surely there have been people with less to work with?

It's just getting heavier and heavier. I love my girl so much but that just makes me miss my wife more because I feel like we should both be there, that's the way it should be. 

When I see her acting cold, it's like someone else who just looks like her. It makes me feel like nothing.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

After the talk you'll feel worst because her answer will be NO ! 

And you may worsen your situation !

Do you like to torture your self ?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> After the talk you'll feel worst because her answer will be NO !
> 
> And you may worsen your situation !
> 
> Do you like to torture your self ?



I already feel tortured, I've held back for over a month, I just don't know if I can take it any more.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I already feel tortured, I've held back for over a month, I just don't know if I can take it any more.


You should !

put this in your head :

*YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE !

YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON !

LET IT GO WITH LOVE !*

sooner you understand that , better and easier for you !


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Mallycoo - I understand with your daughter. I have twin 5 year old boys that I cannot even bear to think about what will happen to them. In terms of your wife's outings with your daughter to friends' houses, etc, I would insist on taking her to at least half of these so you don't feel like a "bystander" in your own life. Is that possible? This is what I have been doing.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Not really possible because most of these mutual friends have totally ignored me since this all came about. They haven't even asked after me and I'm the one who was left heartbroken!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Not really possible because most of these mutual friends have totally ignored me since this all came about. They haven't even asked after me and I'm the one who was left heartbroken!


It is in the difficult phases of life, that we see who truly cares for us. If those people that you thought were your friends don't care enough to give you a call, then feel happy that you don't have two faced people in your life anymore and cut them from your life. Cherish the good and ignore the bad.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm still struggling to cope with this, I just feel like she didn't make enough effort to keep our family together and save 7 years of history. She has been living at her mothers a few doors away so I have been able to see my girl every day but next week she is moving into her own place and that won't happen any more. Every time I think about not seeing her every day my chest literally hurts, it's the most horrible sensation I've ever felt.

I still want them to both be there every day, I want my family and it's just not going to happen, not any time soon at least.

I've been trying to pack her things up and it just makes me feel terrible, I can't stand the thought of her not being there, partly because I don't want to be alone and worry I will never find anyone else but a lot of it is genuinely about her specifically. I just can't help looking back and wanting to keep hold of it. I long for her presence. 

On the plus side while far from doing a 180 I haven't pestered her about it or bugged her even talked about "us" a whole lot. I did say the other day that I still wished it wasn't happening but I knew deep down it was for the best. I genuinely feel that too, it's gone too far to fix as it is now, things would have to start from scratch if there was ever a reconciliation so I do understand things have gone past the point of no return when it comes to her getting her own place.

Some days are better than others but it's still tough, I manage to extract so much sentiment from places and objects etc, I've always been like that, it's hard to look at seemingly mundane things without memories and associations popping up like flashbacks. I wish she knew how much she meant to me even if I'm quiet and don't always express it effectively.

But I know there's no turning it around now, that won't happen for a long time if it ever does and it would be from scratch.

I still can't believe it's happening though, with the 7 years of history and the little girl who couldn't even walk when she announced she was going, how soon things change.

2011 was the best year of my life, 2012 was the worst.

I spent the first half of 2012 feeling very proud and accomplished to know I had a family and purpose in life just in time for my 30th birthday, by the time that came my life was a complete mess and I can't see the purpose in anything.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Memento said:


> It is in the difficult phases of life, that we see who truly cares for us. If those people that you thought were your friends don't care enough to give you a call, then feel happy that you don't have two faced people in your life anymore and cut them from your life. Cherish the good and ignore the bad.


Never a truer word spoken, the only problem is that leaves me basically totally alone!

Two of the people who were supportive at first suddenly stopped having anything to do with me the day after my birthday, that was a month ago now.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Never a truer word spoken, the only problem is that leaves me basically totally alone!
> 
> Two of the people who were supportive at first suddenly stopped having anything to do with me the day after my birthday, that was a month ago now.


I have been in your shoes. It lasted for a year but, like everything in life, it ended. Today, I am glad not to have this type of "friends". One day, hopefully soon, you will see this is for the best. You just have to strong!!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She's just been round packing some last things before she moves into her own place next week.

I tried to be indifferent but I started to struggle and just before she left I had to turn away but I know she knew I was crying. It just seemed to stir everything up.

I can't understand how it doesn't affect her at all. It's like everything she felt for me was turned off like a switch.

Some days I do ok but others are still tough. I try to think positively but the simple truth is I just love her so much and I never thought I would be in this position. I cant stand not being able to touch her or get close to her, I never thought the day would come that she would feel nothing for me. I can't believe she said I made her feel unloved, I might not be the best communicator but I know I said and did a lot of things to show how I felt about her. It seems so unfair that I feel so strongly yet she doesn't seem to believe it.

I often wonder if I should pull back from her or try a little harder but it's just impossible to know, only she knows what she wants so I guess I'll just carry on trying to not bring it up but it's hard.

I just don't know if she expects me to make an effort or what, I'm sure some people respond to people trying to win their hearts back but I'm sure a lot more people don't or it just makes things worse. I don't know what's going through her head, does she think because I'm being mostly calm and have stopped talking about it most of the time that I don't care, does me keeping quiet make her feel she is doing the right thing? Does she expect me to try and make an effort? My gut instinct tells me to be quiet but I always wonder, force my brain to simulate endless scenarios thinking there must be a right way to do things but I'll never know.

I guess you can't turn love off any more than you can turn it on.

It's just so hard to let go and I guess the sad thing is a few months ago nobody wanted or expected me to. What was once expected of me and normal I must now try and shut down.

Why would someone stay with another person so long then have a kid right towards the end and then leave? I hear of people that have a child too soon and they break up or just young marriages falling apart but after 7 years and with a RECENT child I thought things were very stable.

I feel so abandoned and almost betrayed.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Let her go. Nothing you can do. Don't try harder. Work on you. Make sure you get a fair custody agreement with your child. Lawyer up if you have to. Haven't read all your thread but I know the story oh so well. Read up on the 180.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

It will and it does get better. I was there months ago. 

Put all your energy into your kids and yourself.

Your child needs one coherent and stable parent and that is you. 

Journal everything you do for two reasons: 

Custody
Truth

The day will come when your young one will want to know what happened.

Be strong it is the hardest journey one can face.

You can survive this AND come out the hero.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Some people do turn their feelings off and on. I think this is the famous compartmentalization that we hear about. Some of us really aren't like that.

It sounds like moving to her stomping grounds has left you very isolated, which makes things so much worse. I know you want to be near your child, but it isn't good for you to be so alone and unsupported.

Can you relocate to somewhere outside of your W's sphere, but close enough to see your child regularly? You need to start developing an independent support system. Even just one small step in that direction would help. A local support group or hobby group. Something that isn't connected to her family or friends.


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## toneman55 (Apr 11, 2012)

dumpedandhappy said:


> Whichever path you take, you should ask yourself something: Do you honestly beleive that you can "change" someone's mind?
> or..."Do you think you can change someone's heart?"
> What is change to you? You will say you are prepared to "change" but are you truly ready for what "change" may have in store for you?
> Life is tough, people make decisions and others live with them or they make decisions of their own.
> ...


Thanks for that outlook. I'm 57 been married +31 years. We had alot of fun, have 2 good kids 16 & 19. We are financially independent, that is we don't have to rely on the other to live a comfortable life. She suffered the passing of her father a year ago. She took it very hard. She wants out of our marriage, she wants freedom and independance. We have been in counseling for 11 months. There is no OM or OW. I don't want this, breaking my heart but I cannot control her emotions. She "fell out of love" with me several years ago, I was blind not to see the signs. 
I printed your comment and will no doubt read it many times.
Thanks agian.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She's been living in her own place for a few weeks now, she told me the other day she is going to start dating someone but that it only just happened, I find that really difficult to believe, if she was already talking to this person before she left it would explain her lack of doubt or hesitation and her unwillingness to seek counselling or even talk about our problems and try to fix them. Sounds to me like she had a safety net in place.

I still can't believe she has done this after seven years and with an 18 month old girl who wasn't even one when this started happening.

I feel like she is very selfish and has just done as she pleased without any effort to try and be responsible and work on saving her marriage. She seems to have made all these decisions by herself without any discussion or input from me.

It sickens me to think there must have been a point where we were living together with a young baby and she allowed herself to begin getting close to someone else and to drift away from me, what kind of person even allows that to happen? How was it even an available option to her? Surely any decent person would have not allowed that situation to come about?

I still love her, that's the joke, I guess that's why it's so difficult, I thought things were going great then she decides to jump ship and leave me to sink by myself. It's like my life was a speeding car and she has jumped out at the last minute and left me to smash into a brick wall.

I have better days and worse days but I still find it hard to cope sometimes. It's all simple things, I miss her, I wish the three of us were together as a family etc. I guess it was only ever going to be hard because unlike her this wasn't a choice I wanted to make so it's like having a limb torn off.

When she mentioned the dating thing it didn't even make me particularly upset, I guess she had already Fu**ed my life up by then. I guess it doesn't really change the chances of reconciliation further down the line either, I had already accepted that would be a long time off if ever. I guess at least now I can try not to focus on it and live my life and if it ever happens it happens.

I just wonder sometimes if she really appreciates the effects of what she has done, not just to me but to our child and our family.

She can be a very immature and fickle person, a few people predict she will be in trying to come back within a year after things don't work out for her or she realises the grass isn't greener but I don't know. I bet she could go two years on pure spite lol

I still find it tough to be around her knowing how loving she used to be and seeing how completely indifferent to me she is now.

I worry about never finding someone else because I'm quiet and shy but then when I stop worrying about that I don't like the idea of being with anyone else either! I guess maybe that means I should just be alone for now.

I know I sound like someone who really needs to get over it but it's so hard. I really did love her and although I was scared to start a family it was love at first sight and I have embraced it with open arms. I guess having a child made me feel like things were very secure too which made this even more of a shock. Such a cruel thing to have to endure, to have everything you hold precious prised out of your grasp.

It just feels now that the entire decision making process was done without any input from me. She made no attempt whatsoever to work on our marriage, something else caught her eye and she dropped me like a hot stone.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Actually she said "I was going to start dating someone but I'm not now" I don't know what that was all about but it just seemed to be an attempt to soften the blow.

I started trying to tell her how I felt again and appeal to her but after a little while I realised I didn't actually feel all that bad so I stopped and she asked what was wrong and I just said "I don't care anymore" it wasn't totally true but it did occur to me that her bad news hadn't hit me like I would have imagined. 

Probably the first time I've seen any emotion on her face since before she left. She looked hurt somehow. Might have just been her ego taking a hit though.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Her behavior from the start of this has been very much like that of a woman who has her sights set on someone else. Very often these women snap out of it and realize what they ruined, but not always.

What worries me very much with you is the isolation that you've described because you relocated to her area, not yours. Are you still feeling so alone? Have you made some friends/contacts with people outside of your W's sphere?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Not so much at the moment. There has been more support from mutual friends recently. There's two in particular who have been there for me from day one, they were my wife's friends long before I came into her life but have always treated me as a genuine friend. 

The funny thing is they are both very rational level headed people and would consider themselves very close friends of hers yet she hasn't spoken to them once since this happened, she hasn't told them what's been happening or anything. They believe she hasn't told them because she knows they would have urged her to try and make things work and would have wondered why she hadn't already tried so she has just avoided the situation. 

The person she did tell about it and has spent the most time around is a selfish and self centered person who walks all over her partner and who buys friends affections and is very much a yes person so that makes sense. Any advice from her would be from the perspective of someone who only cares about themselves.

I'm a bit of a complicated person socially. I'm very shy and quiet even around people I know well sometimes. I also do genuinely like to be alone sometimes but not all the time.

I can't wait for the weather to improve so I can indulge in my hobby, it's almost like therapy to me and I have been so desperate to get stuck in but every time the weather is fair I'm either busy or at work which sucks. It's also a good way to get out and meet like minded people so hopefully that will change a little soon.

I noticed in the last year or so she became somewhat snobbish about my job, saying I should look for a better one all the time. I enjoy my job, I don't earn a whole lot but I think it's important to be happy in your work. When we were together she always earned more than me but was very bad at managing money, she would not bother to check her account for months and run up multiple overdraft fees running into 000's needlessly thrown down the drain. All to often I would have to bail her out at the end of the month when she couldn't afford horse feed or to repair her car etc so I found it very snobbish and insulting when she would mention my job all the time. 

She forgets that I was there to support her through university, because of our relationship she was on a position to better herself, she wouldn't have done that alone, she had dropped out when I first met her.


Sometimes it felt like she was becoming overly materialistic and was losing sight of what matters in a relationship.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like her continued disregard for you has gradually taken some of your blinders off about her. It also sounds like she has at least one toxic friend to help put her less attractive qualities in stark relief.

I'm assuming by now that you've mastered and lived the 180. Cognitive conditioning goes a very long way toward getting us to better places when we are hurt or traumatized.

I'm glad to hear that you are socializing. Now I'm hoping you will add some new friendships. Creating a fresh circle of healthy, nice friends would be great support.

I know you want your family back and this is understandable. Whatever she is doing has to run its course, though, before you know where she'll wind up. Some women really do snap out of it and want their husbands back. Often, the men have themselves moved on to better lives, better women, better everything, so they don't want to go back. Many women, though, don't snap out and continue with their 'new' lifestyle for a long time.

Best for you is to make as good a life for yourself and your child that you can, no? Life is too short to do otherwise, in my opinion.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I wouldn't say I've mastered the 180 but I certainly don't harass her or try to win her back or be in her presence. I did say a few things when she told me of her plans to date someone but it only lasted a few minutes and as I said I ended the conversation myself.

I don't communicate with her at all really unless it's to do with the child. Occasionally she will send me a picture message of her if she has done something amusing and I will do likewise but there's little in the way of small talk any more.

I tend to just be pleasant in her company, not overly nice but not being an ass for the sake of it either.

The one thing I can say is that where the child is concerned there has been no arguments or disagreements recently, we pretty much have it planned when we will each have her but there is also some flexibility there which surprisingly hasn't caused any friction on either side so I'm glad for that.

We have both agreed that with us living so close there's no reason for her to go too long without seeing either of us so when I have her and I have nothing scheduled I don't mind if she calls in to see her quickly and vice versa, this is normally done at her mother in laws house and again I just try to act pleasantly but not over friendly and not cold, just calm and normal and there's nothing to stop me leaving them to it for half an hour and her the same if need be.

Everything to do with the child is going very smoothly, that's one good thing I can say for her, she puts the child first and doesn't use her as a weapon or anything like that.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I haven't really made great strides in working on myself but I definitely have better days now where thinking about it doesn't drag me down. 

On a day like that I tend to just make the most of the free time and get out and indulge my hobby or if the weather is bad get things in the house to my liking now that I can do as I please or get my chair nice and close to the TV and watch a movie in HD with some brews.

I really want to lose weight, I don't think it was a factor in what happened but maybe it was who knows. It's a win/win thing to do anyway, it's not about trying to win her back although it certainly wouldn't drive her away. If I can lose weight I will be healthier and more attractive to everyone. I will be able to walk further and get to harder to reach places when I am out with my camera so there's really nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

Also I will be able to start wearing clothes that I want to wear instead of just settling for ones that fit like I am now. I'm not saying I was stylish before but I had my own identity at least and could walk in a shop and buy stuff off the shelf that would fit.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So go for it! Make it a serious goal to lose the weight. There's no question it will make you feel better all around. Are there weight loss groups that you could attend? This could be a way to meet other people.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

What's your hobby? One thing you could do is get out with your daughter and walk or go to a park. It gets you some exercise to help with the weight and you might be surprised who you could meet there. You need friends for support might as well start looking for some. You have friends at work? PM me if you want to talk.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Single dads with little daughters are total chick magnets.

Get out and bring your kid.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Jkw4338 said:


> What's your hobby? One thing you could do is get out with your daughter and walk or go to a park. It gets you some exercise to help with the weight and you might be surprised who you could meet there. You need friends for support might as well start looking for some. You have friends at work? PM me if you want to talk.


My hobby is photography so to a degree I can combine it with taking daughter out but other times when I'm photographing up the side of a valley or some abandoned industrial complex obviously I'm better off alone but that's ok because I will have plenty of time for both.

That's why losing weight would be a big bonus, not so much when taking the girl out in her buggy, I would say I can walk pretty far for my size, I walk further more regularly then a lot of people who are slim lol

But when I'm out alone taking photos I often find myself thinking if I can go this many miles at my weight then I god knows how far I could go if I was slim.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> Single dads with little daughters are total chick magnets.
> 
> Get out and bring your kid.


LOL yeah I have noticed women talk to me more when I have the girl with me. If I combine that with losing weight I'll be beating them off with a stick!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> LOL yeah I have noticed women talk to me more when I have the girl with me. If I combine that with losing weight I'll be beating them off with a stick!


Yes, and get a cute little puppy and you'll be completely irresistible!


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

You have any hobby ideas that you can do with other people? How about a photography club? You have any photos posted online?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Oh why does it still hurt so much?

I found out who she has been seeing the other day, I knew she was seeing someone but I guess finding out stirred it all up again. And I guess knowing who helps your mind do that self torture thing where you visualize things.

I can't even explain how I feel when I think about her with someone else.

I still don't get it, a year ago she would have felt exactly the same if it was the other way around but she just seems to feel nothing.

She socializes with 5 specific people on a regular basis, she's hopped on the one available person in that circle of friends, it almost seems desperate, like hopping on the first bus, she didn't even have to get up out of her chair!

At least I know if anything WAS going on it wasn't long term because this guy only came on the scene recently when another friend started working in another city and made friends with this person.

I'm not just being spiteful but the guy is no looker and he is so void of charisma and personality but that almost makes it worse, it makes it seem even more senseless. 

Apparently she is going away next weekend and I can guess what they will be up to.

Thinking of it still hurts like it would if we were together.

Part of me feels pathetic and another part feels like at least if I feel this way it means my love for her was sincere and true. 

I wish it didn't hurt. I haven't said how much it hurts to her but the past few days it's been really bad again. I think about it and grit my teeth and screw my eyes shut.

I still don't understand what happened, nobody else thinks it makes much sense either. She seems to be mysteriously void of any emotion at all. Some people have said she might be in "the fog" but I dunno.

I guess if I love her but she doesn't love me it's never going to make sense to my heart. I just wish it would stop.

I guess everyone on my position does it, pines for a time when their feelings were echoed by their loved one.

I spent so long being loving and loyal and supportive, things always seemed to get stronger not weaker and then the child just seemed to cement the deal.

Ok yeah we had little things that pissed each other off but seriously there was never violence, drugs, infidelity, gambling addiction, abusiveness, controlling personalities etc. There was still passion, we still had time for each other, we still made each other laugh.

She walked away from everything and now suddenly some streak of piss is getting her love and affection after a few months.

It makes me insane.

I know it's unconstructive but dammit that's my wife he's messing with  why is this happening to me? I still wouldn't dream of seeing someone else, I'm nowhere near over it enough. If I slept with someone else right now I would feel guilty!

I just feel hopeless. This is probably the lowest I have been since back when I started this thread. It might even be worse because now I know someone else is putting their hands on her and kissing her and sharing a bed with her.

I never saw this coming, I only ever wanted to love her and protect her and be there for her.


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

I feel your pain, I think I would feel the same way if this happened to me.

The only thing I can suggest you is to give time to your relationship. Give time to yourself and to her...

You can not change her. The only one you can change is you - the only thing you can change is the way how you think.

I know it is not easy, but finally you will have to make it! Take this time for reflection.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

When will I learn?

I had dreams about her last night and this morning I couldn't resist trying to talk to her.

I knew it was hopeless but I think I had just reached bursting point again.

I think finding out she is going away on the Easter weekend with her new guy and taking the girl did it, I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I guess that's a pretty big thing to have to deal with when you still love your wife.

That almost makes me feel like being a child again, being confused at how unfair a situation is. I feel like he's messing with the two most important people in my life.

It was the same usual conversation, she didn't feel she could come back, she's moved on and is happy, it always exasperates me when she mentions things she was unhappy with but never really made it clear to me.

She said she felt unloved, unwanted and unattractive and used to cry all the time but she never came to me and said this clearly. It's obvious I loved her, I told her all the time and I was affectionate as well. If she had these insecurities why couldn't she have looked me in the eye and said?

I know we all get complacent over the years and sometimes you need to blow the cobwebs off but she never tried to talk to me.

The first time she mentioned a lot of this stuff was after she left and by then she said it was already too late. I said can't you see how willing I am to change things and she said "yes but it's too late now, I'm past that stage" And I think why didn't you just tell me clearly at the time?

Why does there have to be this attitude of if you don't pick up on it telepathically then I'm not going to tell you.

I know a guy who's wife left him and gave him every chance, she used to send him huge emails and leave letters for him telling him how she felt and he just used to ignore it, I didn't get any of that. It seems so unfair.

I really shouldn't have talked to her, she won't come back unless she wants to and unless that happens she's not going to want to hear it.

It's not even like I'm in a position where she might be wanting me to win her back, I would know if that was the case, she would make it clear.

She's happy with her new toy.

I just don't know what to do, I don't want to spend years hoping we get back together but I still feel so strongly that the thought if me being with someone else makes me feel guilty.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The one feeling you shouldn't have is guilt, in my opinion. My own experience is that you will stop loving your wife in this way in your own time. She has taken her time and you will take yours. I'm very, very sorry for your pain. I think being in a place that is 'hers' must make things much harder.

The 180 is a psychological tool that helps you move on by putting the focus on other things in your life, especially your own interests and concerns. Have you tried this?

And remember, people rationalize their feelings and decisions post facto. It's not at all uncommon for a spouse to find many, many reasons for acting on his/her change of heart.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Hey thanks you continue to give great advice.

I have read over the 180 briefly and tried to implement it a little but I know part of me just wants it to work as a get my wife back tool which I know it isn't really intended for. 

I know sometimes it does work like that but I'm worried about getting into it for the wrong reasons.

It was weird hearing her say on Sunday how maybe in a few years we might start from scratch and we will have both grown as people etc. 

It seems that something genuinely did change for her, she still cares, still finds me attractive even, she was quite eager to point that out in fact. I don't know what's going on in her head but I do believe it's genuine, I just can't relate to it because I've never felt that way about her.

I suppose everyone goes through it, it's worse than just having one sided feelings, the fact the person used to feel the same but now doesn't seems to make it worse. If I went back 18 months and I had left her she would probably have been devastated too.

She tries to be civil and I try too but I don't want her to think that I can just relegate her to friend, she was never just my friend, it was always more than that and It's almost like I don't want to make the past 7 years seem so insignificant that I can just be happy with her seeing someone else.

I feel like I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for her but obviously I still love her and want my family back together.

I can totally see why the 180 is such a good thing, at the end of the day the ball is in her court, there's no point in me saying anything to her at all, unless/until she feels differently it doesn't matter if I say anything to her, it might even make things worse.

Unfortunately this is my head talking and this morning my heart was talking.

On the plus side, I was so badly in need of someone to talk to I bucked up the courage to go round and see her stepfather for a chat and a cup of coffee, so I guess that was something of a triumph over social anxiety.

Her mother and stepfather have been so good to me, they genuinely haven't treated me any differently and I'm so grateful for that. He is one of those people who is always at work in the garden changing things around and digging things up so I've volunteered to start helping out, I think that will be a good way to get some exercise and take my mind off things.

Now the ex has moved out of there into her own place it's not awkward to go there any more either which is good.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Heartache is a terrible thing, right up there with grief as a painful experience that brings you to your knees.

Because heartache isn't a visible wound we tend to think of it in nebulous ways, as if it's not a physical ailment. It is biological, though, just like any other pain we have, and can be treated in ways that help us heal. It would be both great and awful if we could just take a pill and make the yearning and sadness go away. We can't do that, but there are definitely ways to help the healing process along.

I've said it before, but your not being able to move because of your daughter makes your healing far more difficult. The 180 is just one bit of medicine that can help because it moves along the rewiring we need to experience in order to get past the pain. Other therapies are physical exercise, interesting hobbies, and esp. being with other people. You describe yourself as not very relaxed socially - I am often this way, too, so I understand the urge to handle this in a solitary way. Taking small steps to reach out a bit can work wonders, though. Maybe a photography meetup or a casual blind date with no expectations. Maybe just a couple hours a day walking while listening to music. Classical music has been proved to be healing even for people who otherwise would never listen to it.

Forward focus through the pain. It does heal, just not as quickly as you want it to.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I really need an action plan even if I have to write it down!

I have been trying to get out with my camera more but obviously it is weather permitting, the same with walking, the girl is still young enough that she spends a lot of time in the buggy so walking shouldn't be a problem as long as the weather improves. It also helps that the days are finally drawing out so I have enough daylight to start doing things after work.

Socially I have made a little progress, visiting mutual friends now and then, it's great to get out of the house sometimes.

I think offering to help her step father with his never ending garden remodelling could be the start of something good too, it's good exercise and because it's helping someone else I might be less likely to stop once I have started doing it.


I know I can't make her come back, I know it will only happen if that's what she wants. 

I know I need to accept that we may never reconcile

I know if I don't try and get on with my life I will just feel like plan B IF she ever did come back.

It seems so easy to just say doesn't it?

I think honestly, truthally, I was getting better better and the past few days have just been an inevitable stumble along the way.

I guess when I feel like this at least I know I have a big heart and that I loved her fully and sincerely, there's a sense of integrity in that that I almost find comforting in a way. I don't know why exactly. Perhaps it's just that sense that at least it makes you feel alive.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I guess when I feel like this at least I know I have a big heart and that I loved her fully and sincerely, there's a sense of integrity in that that I almost find comforting in a way. I don't know why exactly. Perhaps it's just that sense that at least it makes you feel alive.


Being able to live with ourselves, to feel that we act with integrity, is so very important. You are alive in the best sense if you can look back and hold your head up.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I think one of the things that makes it so painfully tragic for me is that I genuinely thought we had just started a new chapter in our lives together, for the first time I was thinking "yes! this is what it's all about" my life had meaning. Then a year later it turns out the whole story had come to an end.

My poor little angel, I never wanted this for her, I admit I stalled about having a child for a few years and it was mostly fear of managing, of doing it justice but I never once thought this would be one of the things to worry about.

I'm thankful every day for my little girl but I also despair that this precious time is slipping by, time we won't enjoy as a family, time we can never get back. I thought we would watch her grow together.

The ex's parents split up and reconciled before she was born and then split up again when she was a teenager, sometimes I wonder if that had any effect on her as an adult, maybe just a coincidence though..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can't ever know definitively in any given instance, but there are convincing statistics that show that children of divorce are markedly more likely to divorce themselves. The theory is that they jump to a breakup as a solution when there are problems. Children of parents who have long-lasting marriages are more likely to try to work on things.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I guess that just makes me wonder how that effects things, if she is following suite how does thst effect chances of R but I shouldn't even be thinking about that. 

I did get some insight from a friend, they said this new relationship is "a joke" and a desperate attempt to not be left behind and that the more people advise her against her course of action the more determined she becomes. That's so like her. She'll try and change the whole world before she accepts she might have to change things within herself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo said:


> I guess that just makes me wonder how that effects things, if she is following suite how does thst effect chances of R but I shouldn't even be thinking about that.
> 
> I did get some insight from a friend, they said this new relationship is "a joke" and a desperate attempt to not be left behind and that the more people advise her against her course of action the more determined she becomes. That's so like her. She'll try and change the whole world before she accepts she might have to change things within herself.


That's how blameshifters operate


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Between thoughts that were already lingering in my mind and from how other people have described her bizarre "instant relationship" there's something troubling me more and more...

The thing that keeps bothering me is that she has a history of reacting way out of proportion to certain things and taking an incredibly long time to accept she was wrong. She doesn't seem to have the same limit imposed by rationality that other people have. There is no line to her, she doesn't have any regard for consequences when she gets like that, there's almost no limit to what she will do because of that.

She didn't talk to her brother for around a year because he had a child with someone she didn't like, that was such an over reaction but she would not accept she was in the wrong at all, every time someone tried to talk her round she just became more determined to stick to her guns.

I've known her to not talk to her mother or father for weeks or months at a time over trivial arguments. 

She hadn't spoken to her grandmother for months when one day she found out she was dying.

She always has a grudge or vendetta with at least one person at any given time.

I'm not trying to say that right now I'm any less separated than any other husband who's wife leaves him but from past experience and knowing her for so long I just can't help feeling that things maybe won't be so simple a year or so down the line.

I know you could say in many separations things aren't always that simple a year down the line but what I'm saying is this isn't about hoping or assuming, it's about knowing what she is like, she takes a fraction of the justification to do things that other people require which inevitably leads to an eventual retraction down the line. 

I can't think of any major falling out she has had with family or friend since I've known her that I have considered justified and in every case she eventually conceded. 

She could literally treat or react to a family member like they have done something truly horrific when it was never more than arguing.

Also what she sometimes considered a reasonable or justifiable reaction many people would not. Sometimes hurtful or malicious things that would never be justified because two wrongs do not make a right.

The thing is after 7 years I know her inside out, the good and the bad and I know what she is capable of.

Now, am I assuming she will definitely change her mind? No 

BUT and this is what eats away at me.

Do I think she is a person capable of separating from their husband, even with a young child in the picture, on impulse and without thinking it through and then refuse to accept she might have been wrong for a period of time that might be years? Yes I absolutely do.

You're thinking whoa she wouldn't do something like that unless she was totally sure and had justification but this is my point, she doesn't have that rationality, she doesn't stop herself, her reaction to even the smallest of things can know no limits.

I've seen it so many times before and the haste with which she has gotten with someone and is trying to show she is right just reminds me of other situations where's she's been desperately trying to convince herself she has made the right decision because there would be absolutely no fate worse in the world than accepting she was wrong. 

It's just something I had to get used to living with her and as time goes by it plays on my mind more and more.

There's one last thing I have been building up to, that I haven't mentioned at all before but which plays the biggest part in my worries. It is the ultimate example of why I think she may suddenly change her attitude some time down the line.

Many years ago, when we had not been long married we had an argument, it wasn't huge although it was quite a bitter one, it wasn't about anything really serious, just young people still adjusting to married life you might say. 

The only thing is she went to a party that night and I didn't go. 

I was woken up just after midnight by the sound of her crying as she came up the stairs, hysterically she confessed she had been so upset she allowed a stranger to make a pass at her and had even began to have intercourse in an upstairs bedroom before coming to her senses and fleeing the house in a hysterical mess.

She did that over a simple argument, not even the fact we were newly married acted as a barrier of rationality, it wasn't until she was actually in the act that she admitted to herself that it was not an appropriate reaction and that being upset by an argument was not justification, nothing would have been justification.

I know she was sorry, she could have easily not told me so we got over it and I'm not worried it ever happened again, that aspect isn't what's important here.

What's important is that simply because that happened I know she could do something as big as leaving her husband on impulse and with only a fraction of the self justification anyone else would need. Where anyone else might get upset, think about it but hit that invisible barrier of reality and calm down again that barrier doesn't exist to her.

When you combine that with the tendency to refuse to admit to being wrong, which can sometimes be measured in years, it just really makes me feel unsettled.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MCoo,

Seems you're focused on her every twitch.

What are you doing for you?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I know it might seem that way but I am no longer in touch with her on facebook and apart from my setback on Tuesday I have only contacted her to make arrangements with the child.

For me I have been actively trying to put myself in social situations more regularly, I was with friends last night and will be tomorrow night as well, that seems to be going well so far.

With the days drawing out I will soon be able to get an hours walking in after work so I can walk and listen to music and as the days draw out further still take my camera along with me too.

I intend to make the most of the time and immerse myself in photography as much as I can but I have been very unlucky with the weather so far.

I have also made a pact with the ex's step father and mother to help with work they will be doing in the garden because it will combine being social with plenty of exercise and because ex has now moved out of there into her own place I can do that without having to see her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the personality you describe is very troubling not just for your separation now, but for any future behavior. This is not unknown behavior - for want of a better term, I would call it 'self-righteous personality disorder.' There's a thread here now posted by a man whose wife refuses to have any relationship whatsoever with his mother because of a slight many, many years ago. He has left her in the past because of issues related to this personality trait. It's not at all healthy and if you're married to it, you spend a lifetime dealing with your spouse's latest tantrum about someone else's supposed outrageous behavior.

So, you're right. She could change her tune, but do you want to face the very real probability that she can do this to you at any time?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo said:


> I know it might seem that way but I am no longer in touch with her on facebook and apart from my setback on Tuesday I have only contacted her to make arrangements with the child.
> 
> For me I have been actively trying to put myself in social situations more regularly, I was with friends last night and will be tomorrow night as well, that seems to be going well so far.
> 
> ...


I'd recommend doing that sort of thing for anyone BUT your in-laws.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I guess I'll have to decide that if and when the time comes, I'm torn between my feelings and logic. 

That is one of the major worries I associate with reconciliation though, knowing she could do it again...

I guess she would have to do a good job of convincing me that she has grown as a person.

I think what bothers me is a child being in the middle of this, it wouldn't just be me at risk of going through it again.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can cross that bridge if and when you come to it. For today, forward focus to get your own life on a track that you can feel better about.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You can cross that bridge if and when you come to it. For today, forward focus to get your own life on a track that you can feel better about.


I did have a realisation last night in bed, I basically saw it as 4 potential paths.

I sit here and do nothing and we never reconcile = I die lonely

I sit here and do nothing and she comes back = I automatically feel like plan b, will always doubt myself and will always fear I'm temporary.

I get on and live my life one day at a time and we never reconcile = doesn't matter because I've moved on and haven't gambled my happiness on her coming back

I get on and live my life one day at a time and we reconcile = I don't feel like plan b and things stand a better chance of working out.

So the only real option is to work towards getting on and living my life with no expectations of getting back together.

I just need to work on getting that to happen!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'd recommend doing that sort of thing for anyone BUT your in-laws.


I don't know what to say to that.

All I can tell you is they have been the biggest support I have had through this, they have resisted the urge to side with my ex blindly and have even jumped to my defence on separate occasions. 

They said just because she has dumped me it doesn't mean they have to as well which I respect because by doing that they ran the risk of angering my ex who would obviously expect them to side with her no matter what.

Because my own family are so far away they have been all the family I have here really and have always been keen to provide a more family like environment for me when I have my daughter rather than the 2 of us be alone at my place.

Going around there place with my daughter is probably the best feeling I have had since this whole thing started because it's like a little slice of normality where everything else is suddenly different.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

And family is family. They are your daughter's grandparents. I'm glad that they are welcoming.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm still finding things tough this week, for some reason it all feels as raw as it did at the beginning, I guess it's thinking about the fact she is actually with someone else.

On an instinctive primal level I want to take her back, to grab her and seduce her but obviously that is unwise, maybe it would be reciprocated but what then? It would only make things more awkward and complicated. It's my ego hurting.

I've seen people socially, I helped the inlaws yesterday, shifted a pile of bricks which was some much needed exercise, I've tried to keep myself busy but I'm really hurting at the moment, perhaps more than ever.

As I cuddled my little girl to sleep last night I was just so frustrated that we could make something so perfect together and then everything else fall apart, it seems so stupid.

On Friday night I hung out with some mutual friends, she has fallen out with these friends over this whole situation of leaving me and jumping on someone else within months.

The next day she was pressing me to know what they had said and I didn't say, she was visibly unhappy about it but what does she expect? Not only is she expecting me to still give her preferential treatment but she is expecting it in a situation involving the person she is seeing since she dumped me!?

I honestly make an effort to be amicable for the sake of the child and I try to stay willing to communicate and not burn bridges but there's just no way I can side with her because it gives the impression I'm ok with what's happening. It just seems like another example of how she can leave me and even go as far as seeing someone else but still not fully understand the consequences of that.

If she asks again I think I'm just going to say In case you've forgotten, we are married and just had a child and you have left and started seeing someone else, it's not ok and I'm not going to act like it's ok. I used to be in your corner because you were my wife and it was mutual but you gave that up. You can't have it both ways, You're clearly not committed or loyal to me in any way so don't expect it back.

Sometimes I worry if I'm friendly to her it makes her think what she's doing is ok and that I'm ok with it. But then I worry that maybe I should be a nice to a degree so she still wants to be around me and will maybe start wondering why she even left.

Not exactly forward thinking is it? I can't believe I still feel so much when she is seeing someone else. 

It was the first thing on my mind this morning, I thought the days of being that weighed down by it were over. 

Apparently she was the definition of indecisive the last few months we were together, one day she loved me and wanted us to be together forever, the next day she was sure it was over and so on, pretty much what living with her was like! She also apparently get's jealous and possessive even when I talk to other people on facebook (we're not "added" to each other now but were until about 2 weeks ago) don't you just love that attitude!? She's seeing someone else but still getting jealous about what I'm doing! I wonder how she would feel if I said *I* was taking our daughter away for easter with someone new!!?!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo said:


> I don't know what to say to that.
> 
> All I can tell you is they have been the biggest support I have had through this, they have resisted the urge to side with my ex blindly and have even jumped to my defence on separate occasions.
> 
> ...


But, that "normality" is no longer normal - and now you are hurting, almost as badly as at the start.

Treat yourself better than that.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Try to be upbeat and happy around her
but don't be overly nice to her. She
is cake eating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Try to be upbeat and happy around her
> but don't be overly nice to her. She
> is cake eating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah I think I will try and do that.

Sometimes I'm nice but other times when I'm feeling hurt it probably comes across too clearly. I don't really want to do either at the moment. I should try and be consistent at least.

I know if I withdraw from gossiping and chit chat etc she will be unhappy about it but why should I feel bad? Why should I let her talk about her problems and enjoy my company when I no longer get anything out of it? She should realise that all the things she likes about me were perks of being my wife.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She just came to pick the girl up, sometimes just seeing her and knowing I can't touch her when I used to be able to drives me mad.

The coldness kills me but I guess if I was in her position and so committed to trying to move forward I would be like that too.

I'm hoping what I was thinking wasn't really obvious to her.

She did ask me again what, if anything had been said about her and I told her outright you can't expect me to sympathize over hardships you are facing in regards to leaving me and seeing someone else. She looked somewhat wounded but I'm sorry that would just be crazy of me.

I said imagine I left you and started seeing someone else and then expected you to be on my side when the situation caused me hardship, she changed the subject.

I felt like I had made my point at least.

And then we both kinda changed the subject to something cute the girl was doing so it ended on pleasant terms.

I guess that went ok really.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is that supposed to be blank?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> But, that "normality" is no longer normal - and now you are hurting, almost as badly as at the start.
> 
> Treat yourself better than that.


I can see what you're saying but none of the hurt has ever come from my relationship with the inlaws.

They will always be the grandparents of my daughter, we will always be in each others lives. I don't see why my relationship with them has to change unless I want it to or they want it to and they have gone out of their way to tell me they don't.

I do see what you're saying and I genuinely appreciate your input.

I don't think staying friendly with them is treating myself badly.

It's when I yearn for someone who has no loyalty, try and be helpful and supportive of them in their quest to ruin my life, that's when I treat myself badly.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

After I told her yesterday I couldn't be her shoulder to cry on about how tough her life is proving to be since dumping me she sent some text messages trying to justify herself, she just didn't seem to get it, you can't dump a guy then expect sympathy from him when your new relationship is causing you problems! Seems she still takes things for granted. 

I met her at the in laws earlier to pick the daughter up and she seemed to be trying hard to be nice, and was dressed slightly nicer than usual too. I didn't know what to make of that really, worried she was losing her grip of me perhaps?

Anyway, I'm not too concerned with any of that for now, I'm just glad I told her what I did, I feel better for it and maybe she will think twice about taking things for granted.

Last night I watched a movie with friends, Wednesday night I'm going to have dinner with the same friends and then Thursday hanging out with some other friends. 

That's more social activity in a week than I usually manage in three months so I'm quite pleased about that!

I just need the weather to improve now so I can get on and walk and take photos!

The weather is crazy again at the moment, below freezing and very strong winds and snow, it should be a lot warmer here by now!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Here's a question, I'm going to start trying to take more of a 180 approach.

If it's a day where she has the girl is it ok to text her to ask how the girl is? So far we have both done that, not excessive conversation just how is she? She's fine just having lunch yadda yadda normally once a day.

So is asking about the child against the 180 philosophy or not?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo said:


> Here's a question, I'm going to start trying to take more of a 180 approach.
> 
> If it's a day where she has the girl is it ok to text her to ask how the girl is? So far we have both done that, not excessive conversation just how is she? She's fine just having lunch yadda yadda normally once a day.
> 
> So is asking about the child against the 180 philosophy or not?


Remind us how old the child is.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She's 19 months


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

In fact it's not necessarily every day, it's usually when I don't see her for 2 or more days that I ask because I miss her so much by then,


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mallycoo said:


> She's 19 months


Almost old enough to talk on the phone.

That particular problem is self-correcting.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Mallycoo - keep strong. I feel your pain and conflict.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Not much to report, went to see my girl round mother in laws for an hour earlier, I was pleasant enough but avoided chit chat and expressed disinterest when she asked for advice on some electrical purchases. I'm not trying to be unpleasant but I feel like in some areas she is definitely still expecting the same kind of treatment she got when we were together. 

I was actually looking something up on my phone for her initially when I realised she was on her "secret" new facebook account on her own phone messaging her rebound.

That certainly helped me snap put of it, being too nice and helpful as usual! She doesn't deserve that any more.

She left and has her new interest now, he can help her with all the boring practical day to day stuff now and if he won't well then that's the bed you made dear.

It still feels tough being near her sometimes and knowing she was messaging that little Sh** stain right there and then really didn't make me feel great at first but concentrating on 180 type behaviour gave me something to occupy my mind with and actually helped me to feel better, I made sure nothing I felt was visible externally.

After that I went for food around a friends house which was great, I am genuinely making progress here. Even before we split up we didn't visit mutual friends all that often and now I'm doing it regularly by myself which can only be a good thing!

I am seeing friends again tomorow too 

I just need some nicer weather now, that way all my free time would be utilized either by having my daughter, seeing friends or taking photos!

When I look forward it's not so bad, it's looking back or looking at the present which is tough.

I still miss her and think about reconciliation a lot but her seeing someone else has changed things in a big way, it makes me feel very jealous and hurt and regardless of whether I think she is thinking straight it has still happened and I really feel like I need to try and get out there, I don't know if she will ever come back but like I said before, if she does and I haven't at least approached life as a single person things wont feel balanced and I will just feel like plan b and I think that would ruin any chance of things working. 

If I get out there and she never comes back at least I'll be out there!


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

Have anyone for divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

? Has anyone mentioned divorce? No not yet.

I can happily say that if nothing else I have been much more social and seen friends a lot more recently, that part is going great.

On the negative side I'm feeling a lot of frustration and anger recently.

She has set up a new "secret" facebook account that hardly anybody knows about. Her profile picture is of her and the other man and it says "in a relationship with so and so"

Her constant attempts to hide things says volumes about her level of guilt imo. If she thinks she isn't doing anything wrong why the secrecy even from her own family?

But it gets worse, this person she is seeing was still seeing someone else for a week after they got together, but apparently she was happy enough with his explanation!? Well that sounds like really good start to a new relationship!

This is what makes me angry, not in a protective way but I'm thinking am I really that terrible that she would rather lose all self respect and dignity? Is she really that determined to not look back that she will happy live a life much worse than the one she used to have? She acts like she's moved on and things are going great but apparently it's all a front. I just can't see how she can have any scrap of self respect. This is so like her, I dread to think how much he will mess her around before she would admit she has made a bad decision. I mean the fact it was so soon and with someone so convenient was a bad omen but knowing he has basically cheated on her the first week they were together too just takes the cake!

But then what does she expect from someone who preys on a married woman within months of her separating?

She has has now disowned all of her friends she has been seeing since the break up, in her words they are jealous and interfering and don't want her to be happy. In their words they tried to warn her that she wasn't giving herself enough time to work out how she felt about everything and that she was being reckless. Apparently the tipping point was when they told her he was seeing someone else! He didn't even deny it but apparently she was satisfied with his explanation!

It just seems to me she is so determined to not turn back she will put up with anything.

I wish I could stop analysing everything but I just find it so frustrating, it seems like her life is already much worse. If she was unhappy about seemingly minor reversible things like me being grumpy or on my computer too much how can she be happy with someone who's already done much worse to her? How can she genuinely think she has made her life better?

I just wish I could have more confidence in where my life is going. I genuinely don't think I would ever find anyone else and I think she's only too aware of that.

Sometimes I think how did she find someone so fast, she has been in plenty of relationships but I have only been in one really and I think she must be way out of my league and more attractive but I know deep down it's all about confidence and nothing to do with looks or personality. Since we split she has been socialising constantly plus she has more confidence than me. They do say women get approached more than men too I guess. I just wish I could believe that's all it was. I don't even feel like I could approach girls let alone get anywhere.



The weather is STILL terrible, it was raining all last night and this morning I woke up to snow!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Ooo I should also add there has been basically no contact apart from handing the child over. I think recent news has made it a bit easier, I'm just so disappointed in her.

I'm also finding that when she's in my presence and I feel bad and worry it will show I just try and think of 180 stuff and it sort of gives me something to concentrate on and makes me feel a bit better or at least like I have some sort of control.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Focus is still on her too much.

You had her how is she out of your league.

Your self esteem is damaged. This will take
time but it will return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Focus is still on her too much.
> 
> You had her how is she out of your league.
> 
> ...


I know I focus on her too much, at least I'm aware of it I guess.

I think the self esteem is something that has always been a problem and something I need to work on.

She has had numerous relationships from her teens till now, she has been in two long term relationships with several short ones in between and is already seeing someone now.

I on the other hand seemed to get stuck in a stupid social circle where I was on the bottom rung of the ladder so I went through life not having any adult interaction with anyone because I spent so long in the same group of people who didn't treat me as an equal. I never knew the people I should have in school and to a degree in college. The sad thing is several people showed an interest in college but my self esteem was so non existent the thought that they wanted anything more than friendship totally didn't cross my mind, I was genuinely that naive! It was only years later when one of them mentioned how I had resisted their "obvious crush" that it sank in. I felt a sense of loss!

Nothing changed until I was about 19-20 and started using the internet a lot, obviously my lack of confidence was no longer an aspect any more so I started to get more attention from the opposite sex, that's honestly the first time I actually believed anyone might ever want me. I had a pretty intense (or at least it seemed at the time) internet relationship with an american girl and even flew over to see her for a week but it was doomed to fail from the start and it turned out she wasn't a very nice person anyway. 

Funnily enough I met my wife because she was also friends with this girl. We talked online and gradually got more and more close till she started making the 2.5 hour drive to see me on weekends and eventually I moved to be with her and so on.

Those are the only two genuine relationships I have had so you can see why things are different between us. The one truly serious one of the two lasted 7 years.

I think I'm the only relationship she had that started online, all the rest were people she met in person so she obviously has a lot more confidence and probably doesn't fear being alone as much although her recent acquisition does reek of desperation. 

It's obvious that if I could have the same confidence in person as I do online I would have nothing to worry about but that's harder to change that it seems.

At least I know exactly what the problem is and it gives me something to work on.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> At least I know exactly what the problem is and it gives me something to work on.


My thoughts exactly. Just like a skinny guy needs to pump iron. Get out there and try. 
Learn to take rejection and feel that it was truly her loss. 

Read The Lay Guide. If you are good at online dating do it after the D. PArt of the 180 is to get out and be social.

I too feel I outpunted my coverage but the folks here on TAM helped me see differently.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well socially I am still getting out there a bit more and with daylight saving coming soon I will have more daylight to walk and take photos after work.

Still feeling very hung up thinking about her and her rebound guy though, I definitely think there was a delayed reaction between her saying she was going to start seeing someone and it hitting me in the gut. I think when I found out who it was that was when it really hit me.

And I know part of me was happy to find out this guy is messing her around because part of me hope they will break up.

It's frustrating because logically I know even if they did, even if she came back tomorrow it would be way too soon to consider getting together, I know that but I still can't help thinking about it.

She is dropping my girl off any minute, every time I see her she looks great to me, I hate that. I hate that I can't tell her. I hate that she doesn't seem to think the same about me.

I'll just have to keep acting indifferent and not rude but not overly friendly too I guess. It's hard work though, my heart is realy misbehaving recently. It doesn't help that everyone else say's how little sense it makes, how they don't understand and how her sudden change of heart seems so out of character and abnormal.

I can hear her car. Here goes, poker face!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Well socially I am still getting out there a bit more and with daylight saving coming soon I will have more daylight to walk and take photos after work.
> 
> Good!
> 
> ...


Fake it until you make it!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Oh goddddd

It's so tough, I find it so hard to look at her sometimes knowing I used to be able to touch her and now I can't, I hope this feeling goes away eventually. 

I realise now a lot of what she said about me not making her feel wanted etc were either not true or exaggerated, I realise because I notice how often I have to hold back compliments etc 

That actually makes me feel slightly better in a weird way, it reminds me I wasn't really a bad husband and that a lot of her problems were personal even if she has to blame outside sources. In fact I was incredibly reassuring about her looks and weight right until the end.

It's truly a cruel situation isn't it? When someone suddenly takes a 90 degree turn and leaves the other person going straight on.

My heart and brain are in a vicious fight.

I honestly feel like my only hope of a successful reconciliation is is to accept there may never be one at all, I don't think it would ever work unless it was from scratch and a fresh page. That's my brain thinking!

I feel like I'm in a weird place, I know if I kissed a girl right now I wouldn't think about kissing the ex every time I look at her lips but on the other hand I know I couldn't get involved or even date someone else when I'm still so hung up, it just wouldn't be fair.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

And you're right, I don't know what she thinks, she could miss me a lot but not say anything, nobody would in that situation, not even me. 

When you make a huge decision like that you have a lot invested and it would go against what she was trying to do.

I know she has gotten jealous and possessive about me a few times in conversation with others, even since seeing this guy but then so what? I still shouldn't be obsessed with it.

I desperately need to keep control of my emotions in front of her, the more emotion I show the more power she has and the more confidence she has because she feels like there's a safety mat!

I really shouldn't be trying to over analyse what she thinks either way.

At least I didn't say I missed her, or that she looked good etc! Thank god I have SOME control. It's definitely not the time to say stuff like that!

It's just so tough not thinking about it, 7 years is a lot for anyone but for someone who had only had one pseudo internet relationship before that it's a hell of swing going back to being single again.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Snap out of it! You just saw her and got hit with an emotional slap.

It will pass. Just know she feels pain too. As long as you don't

appear desperate or needy.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks that simple post actually helped, reminding me that it's a temporary thing!

And I haven't just thrown myself into a relationship with someone who was seeing someone else and sunk as low as to forgive them, I've got that going for me at least!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

At least I am handling things for the most part rationally with dignity and calmness so far.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

It's funny when I do manage to act with some indifference she seems to message me more. What a bizarre power struggle it all is. I still feel like crap but I think I am at least managing to start pulling away with some consistency. Let's see how sure of herself she is when she starts worrying I won't be there to fall back on.

I'm just about to have some cuddles with my girl and get her off to sleep, a little fleeting moment of bliss. Hopefully they will become more frequent.

I still feel quite down but I'm still being more social which certainly helps and the prospect of having more daylight after work to take photos is getting me excited too, it's nice to be excited about something!

I'm going home to visit family over the easter weekend too, I won't have my daughter with me but it will be a much needed break from everything happening here! It will be nice to remove myself from everything for a while


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She was trying to push me for information again last night. Since disowning several mutual friends she is paranoid about them talking about her etc so last night I got a grilling and all sorts of angry talk, I told her I wasn't interested in getting stuck between things.

She clearly still thinks I am there to take her frustrations out on. It's the typical thing, creates a storm then instead of confronting and talking completely blocks out the offending people so now she is paranoid about what they might be saying. So obsessed with what other people think. If she actually talked or even argued with people instead of just running away she wouldn't get into situations like this. But alas they told her to think twice about getting into a new relationship and she didn't want to hear it, the truth hurts I guess.

A bit like not talking about her marriage problems with her husband I guess and just burying her head in the sand.

Every time something get's difficult in her life she runs away!

The thing that bothers me is that as I've said before I think a lot of her issues stem from a core problem of immaturity, and she has a particular gift for spite. She could make things difficult for me to see my daughter and she knows that. And I know she doesn't have the same self control as other people when it comes to things like that, her spite overcomes her and she loses all sense of decency and rationality.

Anyways I told her to talk to her rebound man about it but obviously he lives in a different city and I get the impressions he's not really the sympathetic type anyway.

She seems to be more stressed about this bust up with her friends than anything that has happened between us, or at least that's what she wants me to think.

It was interesting because she was clearly torn between her need to convince me she was happy and her need to be the victim. Eventually she let slip she wasn't sleeping and was getting mouth ulcers and so on...seems like life post me is just great!

I did eventually reassure her a little that nothing was being said but I also reminded her that it wasn't appropriate to come to me about it in the first place and that my life has been messed up enough without new dramas.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound much more mature than your WW. Have you always had this perspective or are you starting to see her differently now?

I really hope that the spite you talk about doesn't show itself regarding your daughter. You've said you have a good relationship with her parents - perhaps they could influence her to behave when it comes to your child.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

No she has always been like it. Don't get me wrong, like most people she has good and bad in her, she can be incredibly supportive, loving, enthusiastic and just generally pleasant to be around. I guess the good was enough to put up with the bad but she has a very childish side to her, she sulks and strops and when she feels miserable she wants everyone else to feel miserable too.

Some of it is down to her hormonal problems but some of it is just her personality too.

She is the dictionary definition of the professional victim, always has to be the one who's hard done by which made things tense because when I was unhappy or upset or in need it all to often became a game of who's the most unhappy, she just felt so threatened by the idea of someone being more in need than her.

She's also terrified of being at fault even in situations where nobody would blame her, she will blame shift and try and turn things around to the point she sounds completely ridiculous and irrational.

She is great at observing people's flaws and *****ing about them but cannot see or accept her own flaws and is paranoid about what people say about her. She *****es about people way too much instead of confronting them and that's why she is so paranoid of people bad mouthing her.

Those two traits seem to be hard at work right now, she has jumped into this rebound relationship way too quickly and I'm not just being bitter, she has had a group of around 6 friends she sees frequently since she left and the first male to become single in that group she jumped on, that just seems way too much like desperation and convenience to me, it also coincides almost exactly with when she confided she was feeling scared and lonely. I get the impression now that she may have considered coming back at that point but pride got the better of her and she took the other option. This guy has apparently been disloyal already, the first week they were together to be exact there's just simply no way her life now is better than it was before, she is seeing someone she doesn't trust and has disowned her closest friends. The few reasons the gave me for leaving already pale in comparison to what this guy has done in their first week together. The path she has taken has made her even more unhappy and is certainly a harder one than working on her marriage would have been but right now looking backing or admitting she has made a mistake would basically shatter her into millions of pieces. 

The rest of her friends told her to slow down, get her head straight and make sure she was clear in her thoughts before seeing someone else. She immediately stopped talking to all of them and completely blocked them out.

Whenever people give advice and it isn't exactly what she wants to hear it just makes her more determined to do the exact opposite. That's why she would never talk things through with me and try and work things out, she just saw it as me trying to tell he what to do, the more I urged her to communicate the more she clammed up and eventually she just ran away from the problem. Talking about it also meant there was a risk she might have to admit that she was equally responsible for whatever was wrong with out marriage.

The exact same thing has happened with her friends, they told her to slow down so she sped up!

This is typical of her, she knows they were just telling the truth, she knows she is moving too fast and I guarantee you she knows as well as anyone that her sudden departure from married life was unusual and unexpected but she would never admit she might be depressed or even just confused, she would never admit she is making a bad choice and she would never admit she is wrong, not until all the damage has been done anyway.

She could perpetuate this relationship for a long time out of spite and determination to not be proved wrong.

The minute she admits she has made a mistake is the minute she is defeated and "loses" 

The number of times she has gotten herself up sh** creek without a paddle are too numerous to count.

I truly think her problems were not with our marriage but within herself but she can't admit that and she will carry on trying to change the rest of the world like she always does.

Sometimes I almost wish one of us had been having a long term affair or was abusive or a drunk etc, just something so that this all made sense.

As it stands it's so illogical that I find it makes it harder to get over it.

I can only assume that either she started wondering if the grass was greener (it certainly isn't!) or she just felt unhappy and is incapable of accepting that she might be the cause and has blamed our marriage instead but it's obvious to everyone that something unusual has happened post childbirth, she could have left any time in the 5 years prior to us committing to having a child. 

Anyway that's enough analysis! Although sometimes it does help to remind me I wasn't a terrible person and I'm not to blame for all of this.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

As for the spite and the child, her parents keep that firmly in check I'm glad to say.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Also she was here earlier and I will see her again later on for reasons to do with the child. I'm still finding it tough being around her but I did sense it was easing off again a little today, either from just getting used to things or my brain has just decided it's fed up with being stressed about it.

It's weird how denial works though isn't it? I can sit here and say she may never come back, they might get married and have kids one day but when I found out he had introduced her to his parents earlier it was another kick in the groin, apparently his mother is donating a washing machine to her, things like that just make it more real and set me back.

But even with that I still seemed to recover to a point of being less stressed faster than I would have a few days ago, hopefully that trend continues.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Also she was here earlier and I will see her again later on for reasons to do with the child. I'm still finding it tough being around her but I did sense it was easing off again a little today, either from just getting used to things or my brain has just decided it's fed up with being stressed about it.
> 
> It's weird how denial works though isn't it? I can sit here and say she may never come back, they might get married and have kids one day but when I found out he had introduced her to his parents earlier it was another kick in the groin, apparently his mother is donating a washing machine to her, things like that just make it more real and set me back.
> 
> But even with that I still seemed to recover to a point of being less stressed faster than I would have a few days ago, hopefully that trend continues.


Those moments are fleeting you're still human with a pulse.

You've described my ex : A "runner" things got tough she quits, never would accept fault and if her pride were challenged play the victim.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

livinfree said:


> Those moments are fleeting you're still human with a pulse.
> 
> You've described my ex : A "runner" things got tough she quits, never would accept fault and if her pride were challenged play the victim.


Yep that's her, but the crazy thing is a lot of the times she has done things like this she regretted it severely. It's almost like she can fight against her own conscience and will.

She really has issues dealing with guilt and remorse, I can guarantee you the more guilt she feels over leaving me the more determined she will be to carry on. Most people would question what feelings are behind the guilt, why do they care? Are they feeling guilty just for the other person or do they feel deep down they are wronging themselves too?

She just doesn't see things like that, guilt makes her angry and defensive and is something other people inflict her with. She can't understand that guilt can come from within and that it can be a sign of how YOU are feeling.

I couldn't count the number of times she has accused me of making HER feel guilty since this all started, she obviously feels a lot of guilt but she can't accept she guilt is hers because maybe deep down this isn't really what she wants but she is just trying to take the easy way out or wants to see if the grass is greener but there is no easy way out, the truth is all there is and it will come out eventually. Or maybe she just knows she has done a bad thing and feels the appropriate guilt but either way she doesn't want to take ownership of it.

I could be on the other side of the world and not see her for a year and she would still accuse me of guilt tripping her if she felt remorse lol

She's one of those you can only sit back and watch because they won't listen to reason, even when it comes from within.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your W reminds me of one of my sisters. This particular sister not only can never admit that she's wrong, she doesn't seem to ever believe that she could be wrong. Anyone who points out a misinterpretation on her part must be 'in denial.' She has alienated many friends and family members over the years because she got increasingly nasty in the way she talked about people behind their backs.

FWIW, much of your W's behavior does sound like a woman who has hormonal problems. The amorphous unhappiness that is blamed on the spouse is so common.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Your W reminds me of one of my sisters. This particular sister not only can never admit that she's wrong, she doesn't seem to ever believe that she could be wrong. Anyone who points out a misinterpretation on her part must be 'in denial.' She has alienated many friends and family members over the years because she got increasingly nasty in the way she talked about people behind their backs.
> 
> FWIW, much of your W's behavior does sound like a woman who has hormonal problems. The amorphous unhappiness that is blamed on the spouse is so common.


Sadly while she is perfectly aware she has hormonal problems she can never admit that her hormones are ever responsible for things. Even that it seems is too much of an admission for her and perhaps she worries that everything she says and does will be written off as hormones.

I suppose it's somewhat irrelevant now unfortunately, I was always the first to make allowances for her and to try and excuse things she did but this time I fear she has gone too far, not even I can try and justify her actions if she ever changes her tune.

I'm not sure many could deal with being in a long term relationship with her.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I could be on the other side of the world and not see her for a year and she would still accuse me of guilt tripping her if she felt remorse lol
> 
> She's one of those you can only sit back and watch because they won't listen to reason, even when it comes from within.


Oh a big yes to this. My mere existence is the fault of everything wrong with her. 

One of the red flags I should have seen early on was that there was always a blame target. A boss, Her mom, her sister it would bounce from one to another. When one target would cease to exist or fall back into good graces a new target was chosen.



mallycoo said:


> Sadly while she is perfectly aware she has hormonal problems she can never admit that her hormones are ever responsible for things. Even that it seems is too much of an admission for her and perhaps she worries that everything she says and does will be written off as hormones.


Quoted For Truth.

My ex refused to see a doc about that, however new bewbs... she was ready to spend my money on those!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I went round to the in laws house earlier to get daughter. Wife was clearly unhappy, she was like it a few nights back as well.

She was on the verge of tears the whole time and started crying several times, saying our daughter was more interested in the tv than her. This is her typical victim behaviour but I wonder if the daughter/tv thing was just a trigger? To me it was clear something else was troubling her.

She seems to be getting like this more and more recently.

Things like this combined with knowing the kind of person she is just makes me more and more inclined to believe our marriage wasn't the problem, she is clearly depressed or stressed or something and it hasn't gotten any better since leaving me, if anything she has gotten worse despite trying to claim she is happy in her new relationship. She even went as far as saying she was tempted to quit her job so she could spend more time with our daughter, I was so tempted to mention that an even better solution would have been to not leave her husband and split her family up but I managed to resist!

It frustrates me to see her take the actions of a 19 month old child so personally but I guess she needed something to blame for the fact she was sat there sobbing, heaven forbid she might be sad because she left her marriage and it didn't make her feel any better.

The joke is she probably still thinks she's doing the right thing, probably too carried away in how new and shiny her relationship is to consider that all her hasty actions haven't stopped her from being thoroughly unhappy.

Call me cynical but surely if her marriage was making her miserable then leaving me and seeing someone new should have made her happier and not result in her sobbing and saying how she hasn't slept properly for months and has mouth ulcers etc.

I wonder sometimes if she genuinely doesn't even see a connection between how she feels and everything that has happened recently.

Sometimes it's just painful to watch.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

When picking the daughter up:

"I cried all the way home last night"

"why is that?"

*suddenly becomes flippant* "oh just because of the thing where she was watching tv and ignoring me"

I don't think that kind of thing normally bothers her let alone causes her to cry all the way home. 

The cause doesn't seem to match the effect, seems to me she was already in an emotionally unstable place?

Or am I just cynical?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm really looking forward to seeing my family on the easter weekend but I'm worried I won't be able to take my mind off the fact she will be going away somewhere with my daughter and the om.

I really hope that doesn't cancel out any positive effects seeing my family may have.

I had a dream last night that she told me she was pregnant by him wtf? My dreams are usually much more abstract than that. The lame thing is the reality was only slightly better when I woke up lol.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My dreams are often abstract in 'plot,' but explicit and obvious in terms of meaning. I'm often surprised that my subconscious seems to see more deeply and incisively than my conscious, dispassionate, supposedly rational self.

Your fears and hurt are real and present and very much on the surface & your obvious dreams seem to reflect that. You seem to me to be a very good man and I'm a romantic who likes to believe that the good will out. So, go on your Easter break with your family and try to enjoy the company. Time gradually heals wounds, and being social helps tremendously. Fake it till you make it, as they say. You will eventually make it.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Yes I shall try my best to enjoy it, I will take my camera too just in case there is a miracle change in the weather!

It's weird, seeing the cracks start to show occasionally makes me feel slightly better, not so much in a "haha see how you like it" way but just because it makes me feel less like she could walk out of my life after all we have been through and be totally unaffected. Her acting so indifferent and getting with someone else so quick really made me feel like nothing but knowing he isn't such a great catch and seeing her looking depressed makes me feel a little more self worth in a strange way.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

So why does she text me saying the kid is having a tantrum and how she feels unwell and has a headache etc? Surely her new man should be the one to hear all this? Probably not the same talking to someone you've only known five minutes though? I guess she wouldn't want to bore him with grown up relationship stuff.

I simply said "have you gone to the doctor? " that seemed to get the nessage across. There's no way she'll go, I'm pretty sure they would come to the conclusion that she is depressed or has anxiety or something along those lines and she won't take that risk. 

After that I simply got "No."

I guess I wasn't saying what she wanted to hear. What a bad husband I am not consoling her.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Stop Texting her please.

Do not respond to her fishing.

You like being plan B?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I usually only respond to things concerning the child but what she clearly did was use that subject as a trojan horse so she could have a moan! My only response was the doctor thing.

My only texts to her these days are enquiring about the child if I haven't seen her for a while.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She also tried to call in sick twice this week when she was due to pick her up after work saying she felt unwell and asking if she could get her in the morning. I said I had already made arrangements. She works in a different city which happens to be where that guy lives so I'm pretty sure she was just planning on seeing him after work instead. In either case one hour notice is not acceptable, especially when she turns up looking more annoyed than ill.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Well I *usually* only respond to things concerning the child but what she clearly did was use that subject as a trojan horse so she could have a moan! My only response was the doctor thing.
> 
> My only texts to her these days are enquiring about the child if I haven't seen her for a while.



Change usually to always

She changes the subject you don't answer.

It's that simple.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I went round the inlaws earlier to see the girl for an hour as wife was visiting. 

I had to basically start ignoring her because she was quizzing me about what tv she should buy etc

Yes I'm good with stuff like that but no I am not organising it for you, that's what I used to do when I was your husband, before I got laid off! She really has a hard time seeing that.

If she didn't even realise she was giving up little things like that then she can't have put much thought into this at all.

Again, why is your amazing new man not doing all this? It's almost like you don't want to live alone and have a bf you see a handful of times a week but that's what you've created for yourself so it must be what you want?

She was trying to be nice and friendly to me and I know it's nothing to do with her being a nice person, it's to ease her conscience. She thinks if she's friendly to me I should be friendly to her but I owe her nothing least of all an eased conscience.

If I act like I'm ok with everything she has done she will just feel more confident in doing it. Fu*k being her safety net, you go on ahead on your own if you think it's such a good idea!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I went round the inlaws earlier to see the girl for an hour as wife was visiting.
> 
> I had to basically start ignoring her because she was quizzing me about what tv she should buy etc
> 
> ...


He's coming around


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> He's coming around


And I'm not doing it to be a bitter jerk, it just seems like even with all the hurt and pain and denial I feel I still have a better understanding of the consequences of her decision than she has.

I guess she got so carried away with her exciting life decision and getting her new place and her new rebound toy and being RIGHT that she didn't sit and think about anything in any meaningful way.

It almost seems like the past week or so reality has been sinking in and the cracks are starting to show.

She really needs to start understanding that me helping her with technical stuff, my sympathising about how unwell she is feeling etc while only small things in isolation are the kind of things that combine to form a persons contribution to a relationship. 

If she really thought I was still going to be telling her what tv to buy, helping her set up her router, fixing her laptop and musing about why she feels unwell etc then she really hasn't thought things through at all because those are just the small things.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> And I'm not doing it to be a bitter jerk, it just seems like even with all the hurt and pain and denial I feel I still have a better understanding of the consequences of her decision than she has.
> 
> I guess she got so carried away with her exciting life decision and getting her new place and her new rebound toy and being RIGHT that she didn't sit and think about anything in any meaningful way.
> 
> ...



That's right. You got more important things to do.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Well, she hasn't thought it all through. She just had feelings and self-righteous reactions to things and made decisions based on that. 

You sound like you're more in control. If so, that's good.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I think I'm more in control to a degree or at least understand the enormity of the situation which she clearly doesn't. 

Whatever reasons she had to justify her decision obviously weren't very comprehensive if she didn't even realise I wouldn't be fixing her internet or texting her "awwwww" when she says "I don't feel well "

I think in a fashion typical for her she got an idea in her head and just ran with it without thinking of any of those boring PRACTICAL consequences. I think she's been preoccupied with getting a new place, buying new furniture, seeing the new jerk etc. I think now the dust has settled and the newness of the situation has faded. 

Now she's left with the reality of living alone, she no longer lives in a family unit, she's seeing someone she knows isn't good for her and in any case isn't around nearly as often as I was. She's thrown all her friends away, she can't afford to keep her horse, her car is falling apart, there's nobody there 24/7 to support her through life and her she no longer get's to see her daughter every day.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I think I'm more in control to a degree or at least understand the enormity of the situation which she clearly doesn't.
> 
> Whatever reasons she had to justify her decision obviously weren't very comprehensive if she didn't even realise I wouldn't be fixing her internet or texting her "awwwww" when she says "I don't feel well "
> 
> ...


HA! it's like a light switch went off.

Plan B not hanging around to give me a pick me up.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

From what you've said, though, it sounds like she will never admit that she wasn't right about it. You never know, however. Very proud people can always find face-saving ways to justify their backpedaling.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

And the thing is I look back and yes there were occasions when I wasn't so great but I am confident that I was no more of a pain in the ass than her and regardless it was insignificant in the scheme of things, nothing that happened even comes close to justifying our marriage ending.

You ever meet someone who couldn't seem to be content no matter how stable and pleasant their life was? Like they were incapable of being happy? Like if there wasn't something to be unhappy about they would just try and look for things to pick holes in?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> From what you've said, though, it sounds like she will never admit that she wasn't right about it. You never know, however. Very proud people can always find face-saving ways to justify their backpedaling.


I think the fact that she knows her new guy was still getting with someone else for a week after they got together but accepted his "explanation" is a pretty grim sign of how resistant she is to admitting she wasn't right. Obviously her self respect is a small price to pay.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Desperate times call for gullibility, I suppose. This new relationship sounds very much fly-by-night. What a mess...You sound so mature and smart and reasonable. What a contrast between the two of you.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> You ever meet someone who couldn't seem to be content no matter how stable and pleasant their life was? Like they were incapable of being happy? Like if there wasn't something to be unhappy about they would just try and look for things to pick holes in?



That's most of the WAW's on this board including mine.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> That's most of the WAW's on this board including mine.


I've known many women like that. Hormonal problems make this much worse. It doesn't help to hear this, I know, but this mindset changes quite a bit as they get older (after they've torn apart their H's and children's lives).


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Desperate times call for gullibility, I suppose. This new relationship sounds very much fly-by-night. What a mess...You sound so mature and smart and reasonable. What a contrast between the two of you.


I've said it many a time but I still firmly believe the vast majority of her issues all lead back to immaturity. The tantrums, The selfishness, the shouting until you get what you want, the blame shifting, the victim act, not thinking things through and expecting other people to pick up the pieces, prone to fads, whims and rash decisions, I could go on all day.

I would say I'm quite mature, at least in my capacity to think things through, to reason and be practical. I suppose that always made me the spoilsport in her eyes but one of use had to have our feet on the ground.

I could be immature too, I wasn't perfect. I could be grumpy and brood like a sulky teenager sometimes but on the whole I was usually the voice of reason, the cold hard reality spoiling her fun!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I'm going away first thing in the morning and I had an opportunity to see the girl briefly as mother was going shopping in town so I went to see her in my lunch break because I needed to go get train tickets anyway.

She immediately suggests that maybe we could go and have a pub lunch! Major wtf! And again the confused look when I say no! She's supposedly going away with her new man on the weekend, what happened to these boundaries she used to love reminding me of? 

Still, it was nice to see the kid!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

If she had asked me two weeks ago I would have been in that pub faster than you could light a match, I guess I'm hetting somewhere. 

I realise now it's for the best regardless of whether or not we ever R

Thanks but no thanks.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> Well I'm going away first thing in the morning and I had an opportunity to see the girl briefly as mother was going shopping in town so I went to see her in my lunch break because I needed to go get train tickets anyway.
> 
> She immediately suggests that maybe we could go and have a pub lunch! Major wtf! And again the confused look when I say no! She's supposedly going away with her new man on the weekend, what happened to these boundaries she used to love reminding me of?
> 
> Still, it was nice to see the kid!



Great job! Stay the course.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She's now openly trying to cake-eat. I doubt she consciously realizes that she's trying to use two men to 'cover' all of her needs. Usually there's a lot of muddled self-justification for cake-eating.

Be the wise one. When she issues an invitation like that, smile slightly and knowingly as you shake your head and tell her 'no.' Let her know with your veiled response that you understand better than she does exactly what she is doing.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well it certainly didn't help to come home and find a multitude of photos of me and the ex still on display at my mothers house, I guess she's finding it tough coming to terms with what's happened too but I explained that a line has been crossed and that if we are ever together again it will be a new relationship because the old one is dead so she will take them down. Almost felt bad but it's not like I caused this appalling situation to come about. I guess that's the price you pay for actually having a conscience lol. Apart from that I've had a nice time. Going back home today, can't wait to see my girl although I'll be sad to leave again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I can now also reveal I had a kind of good experience turned sour over the weekend too. I got talking to a girl online who doesn't live far away, she seemed very enthusiastic even though she knew what had been happening in my life. We talked for a few days solid and then friday night she said I know this might be a little forward but here's my number, text me. I wasn't getting too attached or anything but the sudden realization that there are other people out there who could like me was a very nice feeling. Only problem is she gave me her number then instantly seemed to go cold. The next I heard from her was sunday night saying she was ill and had been in bed a lot, then I didn't hear from her till tuesday morning when she said she has been busy working and her phone was too big to take in her pocket! It just seems like she has gone off the idea of talking to me. I've tried to work out if I said something to put her off but I've literally only said a few words since she gave me her number and I'm not going to send any more messages just to get fobbed off. I can only assume something changed on her end, met someone whilst out or got back with an ex or is she just wanting me to chase her? I really have no clue but as far as I'm concerned she's gone from hot to cold so I'm not going to persue it. 

It was a little disappointing because I suddenly felt like the world hadn't left me behind after all but I guess I can still see it that way even if she has gone funny on me.

I guess as long as I don't let it get me down and look on the bright side of it I can count it as an important step in getting on with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am constantly trying to tell my son that there are many, many reasons that a woman will do what she does that have absolutely nothing to do with him or anything that he has done wrong. So, I will say that to you as well. It sounds like she had something going on either in her head or in her life that made her change her plans.

This is also early days with you as a single man. I can't believe that there aren't many options for you out there once you feel emotionally strong enough to move on.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I can only agree with you, the fact I got that far and so soon means my fears of being "forever alone" are unfounded, I just have to look on the bright side. And who knows maybe I'll hear from her again some time and I'm sure she was the first and not the last. I still feel a little bummed out but I definitely feel reassured that any of it happened at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think it's overall a good sign, too. I always tell my son that young women are often reactive rather than calculating or particularly rational. When I think of some of the literally thoughtless things I did when I was in my 20's, it makes my hair curl. And then, when I think that there were men out there trying to makes sense of my motives, I'm embarrassed.

So, yes. From your writing it seems obvious that you will have plenty of opportunity. Your W has hamstrung you, though, by tying you to a place that wasn't really yours. That makes it hard to reground yourself, but it's not impossible - just takes some painful time.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm going to just give a brief synopsis just in case I am being too hasty in not contacting her, I wouldn't want to risk being over cautious.

Tuesday she contacts me and we talk all day.
Wednesday the same.
Thursday the same.
Friday we talk all day including while I'm on the train to go see my family.
Saturday we talk in morning, she goes to work then we talk in the evening and she gives me her number.
Sunday I say happy easter in the morning and she doesn't respond till the night saying she has been unwell, I ask her to text me when she feels better.
Monday I hear nothing
Tuesday I ask if she feels better, she says yes, I ask why she has been so quiet and she says work, I ask if I had said anything to put her off, she says not at all.

Then she says she has to go to work and can't take her phone so I say ok.

That's the last I heard from her.

I *think* I'm right in leaving it as I get the impression her interest level has fallen off but I thought I should seek a second opinion just in case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Someone suggested to give it a week and try one more time, because at least I won't look desperate even if they are still acting the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Follow your instincts. From reading your post it sounds like she is pulling
back. You need to do the same. She needs to chase you. Your neediness may be 
pushing her away. Go dark. Restraint is viewed as strength by women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Are we talking about the wife or the new girl?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

The new girl lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I think she is definitely pulling back she was very keen at first, to the extent of explaining if she didn't message me for half an hour because she was cooking or whatever, I'd actually say SHE came across as slightly needy so to go days saying nothing is a pretty obvious change in attitude. That's why I haven't said anything since Tuesday when I got the weird "I have to go to work and my phone is too big for my pocket" line. I just said "right ok" and that's where it ended.

The last thing I need to be doing is chasing girls at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

It's a game you'll get back in the swing of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I must have been doing something right till she scurried away lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I need to repeat, mc, that it's very possibly something that's going on with her, not something you did. Maybe she has a bf who found out or was broken up with someone who she got back together with or she became scared of moving ahead. Who knows? You don't know. When something like this happened with myself or my female friends, it was usually nothing to do with the man himself. The chances are good that that is the case here as well.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

This has happened to me twice in the last three months. In both cases, there were bf's lurking behind the scenes.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

You have both affirmed my thoughts on the matter, I will leave things as they are. As far as I'm concerned while it was nice it's not as if anything significant happened so if things change and she re appears later on I wouldn't have a problem talking to her again. 

I have to tell you felt really good just to talk to someone who felt a mutual attraction, it certainly chipped away at my cynicism in regards to me ever meeting anyone else.

I still feel that although it was a little disappointing It was still a nice little lift, I'm glad it happened :smthumbup:

I'm still keeping contact with ex minimal, I'm pleasant enough in her company and don't mind a brief conversation about the child or neutral things like the weather or what's going on in the news but as soon as I sense the conversation is shifting towards how we talked when we were together I shut it down. 

I seem to be doing ok just for the moment, I'm glad I haven't taken this incident with the new girl to heart and I'm glad I haven't pursued her in vain, I'm feeling more in control of things recently.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I'm still keeping contact with ex minimal, I'm pleasant enough in her company and don't mind a brief conversation about the child or neutral things like the weather or what's going on in the news but as soon as I sense the conversation is shifting towards how we talked when we were together I shut it down.
> 
> Excellent. Stay the course.
> 
> ...


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well what a bumpy ride today, emotions all over the place! I had my daughter over night and until about 4pm, I was just in one of those moods where being alone with her seemed to make me feel like something was missing but then I didn't want to hand her back either. Then I got talking to another girl online but just didn't feel like talking at all, probably because I had been thinking about the ex.

I resisted saying anything to ex when handing the girl over but I was tempted to suggest taking the kid for a meal or something but I fought the urge thank god.

As usual there's just no rushing this process and sometimes all the thoughts you have been putting off gang up on you. I loved/love my wife and family dearly and had everything invested so I feel no shame for being so unhappy, it's inevitable. It hurts so much because it's a reflection of how much I care. I just hope I meet someone who can appreciate that one day, be it a reformed ex or someone new.

The weather was decent for the first time in ages too and I just didn't feel like doing anything.

Oh well, booze and tv now, I'm feeling a little better already.

And I get the daughter back tomorrow lunch time so I can't grumble too much.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Be careful with the booze. It can make you worse.

You did good not asking her to lunch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Be careful with the booze. It can make you worse.
> 
> You did good not asking her to lunch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will don't worry, just a couple of bottles of 4.5% cider, I'm not much a of a drinker. I do this maybe once a month!

I'm not going to waste any more energy on her like that unless there's something positive to be gained from it. Until then I'll remain cheerful but detached if it kills me!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I haven't been able to catch up with this entire thread yet. I would have doubts about when the trouble started with you r wife. Did you ever do any investigating? Did you check phone, texts, email, facebook records etc.?

If you haven't read them yet, you need to read the two books linked to below. You need to read them as fast as you can.

GOOD LUCK


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm as certain as I can be that nothing was going on, I certainly did a lot of investigating. 

I'm not sure how much it matters now anyway, whether she was having some kind of affair or not I would still feel betrayed and let down.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Sorry It's been so long since I made an update!

Not much to report really, same stuff happening. Still find it tough being around her sometimes but still hiding it. Still making an effort to avoid having conversations like we used to have when we were together.

Don't feel great to be honest but then again I don't feel terrible.

I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and I'm not sure if dating would help. The things at first I felt like it was too soon like many people would but now I'm getting to the point where it almost feels like I need to make some kind of push just to distract myself and try and kickstart things. I just don't know what to do for the best.

I have been talking to another girl (not the one who went quiet on me) and she seemed keen to meet up but I'm not sure how to play it at the moment.

Socially I have been getting out still, not quite as much as at first but still more than when I was with wife so that's a good thing.

The weather STILL sucks, back to rain now, worst spring I can remember. My camera is gathering dust!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Having a few dates would be good for you, imo. You don't have to worry about something serious, but a nice woman paying some attention to you is something you deserve, I think. So, why not?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I have an informal, casual date on the 27th I had to tell the ex I was busy that night so couldn't have the child.

She instantly started prying, asking questions, making assumptions etc. I don't know why she wants to know so badly, I don't pry into her life.

She even accused me of being cagey! This is someone I have never met before and may never see again so why should I have to explain myself?

She was trying to act upbeat about it but then kept accusing me of being cagey and secretive!

I don't know why she's so concerned about it perhaps the idea I was seeing someone will make her feel less guilty about what she did?

But don't you just hate when you say one little thing and everyone else reads into it more than YOU have?

EDIT:

Oh and she mentioned her bf more than usual too, knowing how she works she probably interpreted me having a date as an attack and so that was her counter attack or something I dunno, I really don't want to hear about what my wife is getting up to with her new man and she knows that so I can only assume it was to try and get some kind or reaction. I'm still sure that her ideal scenario is to have me as her doting friend and backup plan but it isn't going to happen, I has her friend BECAUSE I was her lover not in spite of it. She doesn't get to keep that, and if she can't understand that we wouldn't have been best friends if we hadn't been lovers too then she's deluded, the two things are irreversibly joined together and one would have never happened without the other. 

If I acted like her best friend it would just contribute to making her feel she did nothing wrong and also it would mean she hasn't faced the full consequences of her decision, if she doesn't like the idea of not having me in her life then maybe she didn't think things through properly.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

From the female perspective:

I think she has had you reliably in her pocket emotionally. She is a woman in control, in charge. She has your love and dedication and also the freedom to find other men. This is ego-gratifying and affords a sense of power. You shake up the power dynamic the minute you start taking control of it. If she can no longer rely on the reality that you are in love with her and focused on that, then her world is shaken up. You've changed the calculus.

Don't underestimate the effect of control on women. One well-known survey a few years ago asked women what bothered them the most in life. The predominant answer was 'not being in control.' This didn't surprise me.

The more you move on with your life, the less smug and comfortable she will be.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She just told me her bf is moving in with her, "but only till the end of the month"

Counter attack?

Best part is I managed to play it cool, I just said well be careful letting our child get attached, you know he has a poor track record for sticking at relationships

Hehe
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

And now he is round the mother in laws as we speak! It's like the floodgates have opened, I haven't even seen this person yet and it's like she's treating it as a get out of guilt jail free card.

I guess she thinks just because I MIGHT be going on a date suddenly everything she has done is ok? Like the heat is off her or something. She desperately wants what I have going on to be more significant than it actually is to make herself feel less guilty. 

Been together a couple of months and now he will see my daughter more than me probably, I hate that!

Must not show it though, give me willpower someone please!

Must act calm and indifferent!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

She's just screaming for attention like a child.

Ignore it. As Sweet Brown would say

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Yeah I agree, she's reading into it much more than I am! And now she's going to be constantly trying to "out relationship" me lol

I just feel like she's desperate for it to be more than it is because it eases her conscience.

she wants to be like "well he's moved on now so I can do what I want right?" like suddenly it's not a bad thing to ditch someone after 7 years and not even try anything to fix it!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> She desperately wants what I have going on to be more significant than it actually is to make herself feel less guilty.


I think you're right about this. It may be time to allow yourself to make what's going on with you actually BE more significant than it's been.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Just a brief update, met up with a girl earlier who I've been chatting to online, just watched a few movies, had a nice time although I didn't feel any attraction, I hopefully I can make a friend out of it if nothing else and who knows maybe attraction will develop over time but there we go, I met a girl, there is life after the ex! My self esteem takes a step up the ladder.

Ex has been trying to act enthusiastic but I think it's a case of trying to extract information and also like I said before she seems to think that me seeing someone would suddenly undo all the things she has done like we were even or something, I think that's her main reason for acting supportive, because she thinks it takes the heat off her and what she's doing.

Yeah I still mourn but I think it's getting easier, some days I can just sit here looking at geeky stuff on the internet or processing some of my photos and I feel pretty content just doing my own thing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know an awful lot of people who were surprised at how happy and contented they became after a split-up that they originally didn't want. Most of them hadn't realized how unhappy and/or oppressed they had felt. It's anywhere from being able to watch whatever you want on TV or eat the food you like, to arranging your house the way you feel comfortable, to just enjoying having your time to yourself.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Thought it was time for an update,

Feeling a bit low today, the bad times seem to be more infrequent but they still suck, I definitely miss her today and hate the fact that she no longer needs me or wants me, the fact she no longer desires me sexually makes me feel bad, the fact I used to be precious to her and no longer am, it all makes me feel low. Also the way I was so quickly replaced, it makes me feel kind of worthless.

I think of all the things we have done together, trips, dates, adventures, bedroom stuff etc and I have a hard time accepting it will never happen again.

I know this is a flare up and will go away again but it still sucks.

I was so happy just before the end, so proud of my wife and kid.

I'm finding it hard at night, one thing that was always a constant is that we spent each and every night wrapped around each other so the lack of spooning is really getting me down.

I'm sure I mourn with rose tinted glasses but it doesn't make it easier to see it that way. There were undoubtedly bad aspects but there was a lot of strength in our love at one time, I still find it unusual how easily she found it to break away but then when she cries over silly things that wouldn't make someone cry I guess it is affecting her even if she refuses to accept it.

It doesn't help that it was my only real relationship too, I worry a lot about finding someone who will understand me and "get" me the same way she did, finding a bond as close. 

I still hope they break up, I know that's not constructive and I should be thinking about myself but I can't help it sometimes.

On the plus side, still being social and I finally got to go and take photos, it was tough at first because there's so many memories attached to so many places and when I saw couples and families having fun it really made me feel low but when I got into it I forgot all that.

I even spent about an hour just watching an excavator digging up mud in the little harbour they are renovating, I haven't done that since I was a kid! 

So yeah feeling shiddy today but I'm sure it I will feel a little more optimistic again soon.

Anyway, just thought I would check in with my weekly moans!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

It's a roller coaster that's for sure.

I think you are grieving the loss of your marriage.

Takes time. Keep focus on you and kid.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

you are getting great advice mally, here is some tough love man...knock it off with the her crap, go file for D tomorrow take total control. get on with your life man. 

i tell you this cause 9 years ago my XW cheated and we had a 3 month old son. one morning woke up (after 2 months of i dont know what i want from her) and got a tattoo of a knike sticking out of my back with her name in the handle and filed the same day. she got remarried before the ink dried.

i dated a few time had one relationship shortly after, then 2 years later meet a woman online (me 27 single dad kid 50% of time no child support her 22 single) email for about a month then i go meet her at her work, what i didnt find out till a bit later (didnt care not in relationship) she had 2 FWB and called them up when i had left and broke it off with them. been with her 7 years now marrried 6. the good ones are out there buddy you will find her


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Just thought I would show my face and make an update.

Nothing much has changed really, still slowly improving but I still feel bad sometimes but then who wouldn't going from being with someone every day for years to being alone you're bound to dwell sometimes and feel hurt but I still refuse to get with the first person that comes along just so I'm not alone.

The weather is FINALLY improving, I've been going for walks with the little girl a lot and am finally able to go out alone with my camera and get some decent me time. I find myself looking forward to these things which is nice, it's been so long since I've looked forward to doing anything.

Still socialising a little which compared to my pre separation self is a massive amount!

I've sort of slowed down on the whole dating thing for now but there's one or two people I enjoy talking to regularly so there may be something there down the line.

With the weather improving I want to get out more, enjoy myself, lose weight and get in better shape. I really want to get more healthy and active and I have plenty of time to do that now. I've always been big but I used to be comfortable with myself and I'm not any more so getting back to the point is my first aim.

I guess If I'm totally honest there's a little *****y part of me that hopes that she notices but I guess pretty much everyone goes through that. Whether she does or doesn't is irrelevant anyway, I'm the one who will benefit from being healthier, I'll look better and be able to walk further and for longer when I go out taking photos or with the kid etc etc. 

I just need to build up a little willpower to ditch the unhealthy food, I kicked smoking so I'm sure I can do this if I try!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Just had a shock, found a pregnancy test receipt in the little girls back pack! Feel stupid for being phased but I guess that's a big deal, I suppose it's another finality in the whole thing. It's kind of knocked me off my perch a little I have to be honest, I was just starting to get used to things. 

I mostly just feel annoyed by her continual lack of maturity and responsibility, they have only been together a little while is this another effort to prove the doubters wrong or just a lack of responsibility? It's like even what happened hasn't made her grow up in the slightest but then again you could say what happened was because she was immature so I dunno.

Also I find it really hard to believe that sort of thing would accidently get left in her bag, obviously a shopping reciept or something maybe, I only took it out to throw it away thinking it would be for nappies or something but I really can't believe that sort of receipt would be there unless it was intended to be! 

Just need to have a mini freak out and then get up and keep going I guess.

On the plus side I've been talking to a girl a lot, not sure if it will go anywhere but it's still nice! Definitely starting to believe I won't be forever alone!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WW really sounds callous to me. I'm sorry to say that, but you seem like a good guy. You deserve a woman with a kind heart, in my opinion.

I'm glad you're talking to a new woman. And why shouldn't you? I really think that you will be one person who eventually discovers that the grass is greener.

And re the pregnancy test - I think it's a sign that she is not really thinking or planning; she's just reacting. Did she want you to find it? Maybe. If so, it's just another indicator of a cold heart, I'm afraid.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

She can be very callous, it's funny how quickly I realised that pretty much every negative aspect of her stems from immaturity, she can be very spiteful and it's usually a response to feeling threatened. I guess I observed the behaviour our entire relationship but didn't realise how strange it was till I saw it from the outside. If she falls out with a friend her initial outburst are just so out of proportion and full of malice and spite. 

I think she's a deeply unhappy person and has a lot of anger and she can't accept it might be something inside her, I think she's always looking for something to blame it on so she just keeps trying to change everything but herself and I think perhaps after having a child didn't make her happy it was just inevitable she would turn her sights on our marriage. Seems like she will carry on trying to change the rest of the world while the real problem remains unaddressed.

I wasn't perfect as I've said many times but I do believe that many of the negative traits I exhibited were down to having to endure her personality, she wasn't easy to live with. If she wasn't ranting at me she was ranting about a family member or friend or colleague, there was always anger and always an insecurity and a need to be reassured she was "in the right" 

I've never met someone who makes such an effort to be the victim of everything.

I think many times she knew she wasn't in the right and was in denial about it, she's so terrified of being wrong or admitting she is wrong and apologising, she just gets defensive. Guilt is like Kryptonite to her and I wonder sometimes if a lifetime of being that way has led to her unhappiness, you might be able to kid yourself that you're right but you can't lie to your subconscious.

Again it's a childish thing of acting like you're in the right even though you know you are in the wrong because you don't want to back down.

I just feel so angry sometimes, if she didn't like me she wouldn't have stuck around for 5 years and then want to start a family, and I was VERY nervous about having a child, I took a lot of convincing, she pushed for it for a long long time telling me how happy we would be and how she knew I would be a good father and that it would just make us even happier and more in love than we already are and I guess it just seems so ironic that I ended up embracing it so fully and being so happy only for her to pull it all apart. Nobody really knows why she went still but as far as I can see she just got to the point where our marriage was the only thing left to blame for her unhappiness. 

I just feel so let down and betrayed sometimes.

Last night I was having a cuddle with the little girl and it brought tears to my eyes, I never wanted to do this alone and I never thought I would have to, we had been in a long term relationship before having a kid and it's not as if things were on the rocks when we decided to have a child. I loved being in a family and I loved us being parents, I was never resentful or unenthusiastic. It just seems crazy that a year ago everything seemed normal and we were a tight family unit. She's (our child) so beautiful and I love her so much and she was made out of love, it just seems so wrong that we are no longer together. It's like she sold me the dream and then took it away again. There were imperfections like with most relationships but for the most part we had a good 5 years up until trying for a child and and I just can't see why anything changed, it was such a sudden right angle to what had been a straight line for so long. I don't know how but I just truly never saw it coming, I can honestly say I was the happiest I had ever been, I was very proud to have a wife and child and I was feeling so much love, I let her know about it too. We had been together 7 years when it happened and had just had a child and not a band aid baby either. I guess that's why it's still tough to deal with sometimes, I was literally the highest I had ever been and it's a long way to fall.

I can't help but feel like I've been ripped off.

I moved my entire life to be with her and committed to marriage and having a child even though I was very nervous and it just seems the second she was unhappy she just washed her hands of it. I feel like she didn't make any effort at all and she had an obligation to try but there was no commitment or sense of responsibility there at all, It's like because that didn't sound like fun and wasn't what she wanted to do she just wasn't interested and it really shouldn't be as easy a decision to make as that. Nobody should just walk away from someone like that, especially not someone who has been true and committed to you the whole time, especially when you pushed that person to start a family!

She literally only cared about herself and didn't give a second though to someone who had given 7 years of his life and massive commitments in the relationship.

I was so nervous about having a child because I was so nervous about getting anything wrong and to think I'm here now as a single parent it just kills me, when I finally gave in and agreed to have a child I spent so much time imagining doing everything together, being a family etc, it made me feel so much love and I just can't describe how it felt to slowly realise that would no longer be happening. I feel like it's such a precious time in her life, time we will never get back and it makes me sad knowing we are not going through this part of her life as a family and experiencing it all together.


I just never saw the breakup coming, we had been together so long by then as well.

I'm sure I should be more over it by now but what she did is never going to be ok and sadly in some ways my little girl will always be a reminder.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things it was still a pretty recent event considering the enormity of what happened and how happy and unprepared I was for it. It doesn't help how quickly she got with someone else, I suppose if she had shown some signs that leaving me was difficult or she had any feelings for me whatsoever it might have helped but I almost feel like after all we have been through I seem to have made absolutely zero impact on her life and mean nothing to her.

I just still can't quite believe how my life could have changed so much and how someone could just disown me so thoroughly.

I guess that pregnancy test set this off, I do feel like I'm still getting better every day but that really stirred the whole thing up.

I wonder too if the fact I went from never even having a girlfriend to being in a long term marriage with child to nothing again is part of why I find it so hard to let go...

Hopefully I bounce back and feel better again soon but then again even now after typing this I certainly don't feel as bad as I did 6 months ago. 

I guess no matter how much I change in my life though there's no escaping what a thoroughly cruel and impossible situation I was placed in, someone said you go through similar feelings to when someone dies and I can relate to that a lot, sometimes it feels like and I guess my subconscious can't come up with any other explanation for this persons sudden and complete absence from my life.

Worst of all the weather has gone bad again so no photos or taking the girl for walks at the moment!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your analysis of your XW is very insightful and thoughtful & probably quite correct. It means that you were just the next logical thing to feel the sting of her blame. This makes your breakup strangely impersonal, doesn't it?

She sounds very immature, as many have remarked, but I have a sister who is very similar in temperament and she is now in her 60's and hasn't changed at all. She always points the finger at others and anyone who has the temerity to point out her inconsistencies or errors of judgment is 'in denial.' So perhaps your XW is who she is for the duration.

I'm glad that it's gradually getting easier for you. And you have your daughter. The greatest gift.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I just thought I would check in and give an update.

I'm still finding things tough sometimes but there's still a sense of progress, I think the fact that I haven't been on here as much means I'm getting somewhere although I'm still prone to bouts of sadness fairly often. I loved her completely, it's inevitable, especially when she was with someone else so quickly.

They recently moved in together, I have to admit that it was like a typical gut punch! But I think I'm more bothered by the fact he will see my daughter more than me even though they have been together like 5-6 months, I hate that. Her desperation to get back into the kind of domestic setting she was apparently sick of seems telling.

And I think I still suffer from how easy it all seemed to her, it kind of makes me feel insignificant still sometimes.

But it's not all bad news, I have been talking to a few different girls on and off and without being big headed (because I couldn't be further from that) there have been opportunities where I could have had intimacy so that was an ego boost. I haven't done anything yet because I still don't feel ready for anything like a relationship and I don't want to hurt someone but it's good to just talk and flirt with people and reassuring too, suddenly I don't feel like there was only one person on earth who ever found me attractive.

I try to keep communication to a minimum with her but we are very amicable when it comes to the kid and there's been flexibility when it comes to arrangements with the child so in that area it's kind of going as well as you could hope for.

I still find she tries to start conversations with me sometimes like we used to have which I try to shut down subtly, I have tried to explain to her that our friendship wasn't a distinct part of us that she can keep while throwing the rest away, we were best friends because we were lovers too and soulmates. She doesn't seem to understand that the friendship part can't just be filtered out and kept going as some kind of platonic thing. 

I definitely feel like sometimes there's things she can't talk to him about so she comes to me, things she misses maybe like inside jokes or just anything that happened in the past or that we both experienced together. There's a definite cake eating vibe sometimes.

She still doesn't seem to really know what she's doing, stuck in fast forward trying to prove all the doubters wrong.

Oh well, I try not to dwell on what she's doing as much as I can.

I even managed to go take photos quite a few times recently!

And spending time with my daughter means that as jaded and hurt as I ever get I know there's no way my heart will die or I will lose faith in myself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When she wants to chat just tell her she is only someone you used to know, or thought you did. Tell her she is just a stranger to you, one that intentionally hurt you more than any other person ever has. Then turn your back on her. I can't believe you are still letting her play you.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> When she wants to chat just tell her she is only someone you used to know, or thought you did. Tell her she is just a stranger to you, one that intentionally hurt you more than any other person ever has. Then turn your back on her. I can't believe you are still letting her play you.


I wouldn't say she was playing me, trying to maybe but it's not like she gets what she wants from me.

It helps to retain a degree of civility because of the child but I've told her we're not playing friends and that if we ever are friends down the line it would have nothing to do with what we used to have, as far as I'm concerned I was her friend, lover, soulmate and so on and that was all part of the same job which I was unceremoniously sacked from so she can't hope to just keep me on a part time contract performing certain tasks, eff dat!

I appreciate what you're saying though, a few times I've said "you should talk to your bf about it" etc so it's not like I sit there chatting away with her.

We have a good arrangement with the kid and there's flexibility there too so if I made an overt effort to be totally cold I think it would possibly impact that negatively, all I know is the kid is happy and I want to keep it that way but as I say there's been a few times when I've told her outright that i'm not having the conversation with her and to try her so called partner.

Did I mention the kid is happy? God she is such a beautiful little thing, I'm so glad she isn't showing any signs of distress, I'm so proud to be her father, she really helps to keep me thinking positive.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mallycoo said:


> I wouldn't say she was playing me, trying to maybe but it's not like she gets what she wants from me.
> 
> It helps to retain a degree of civility because of the child but I've told her we're not playing friends and that if we ever are friends down the line it would have nothing to do with what we used to have, as far as I'm concerned I was her friend, lover, soulmate and so on and that was all part of the same job which I was unceremoniously sacked from so she can't hope to just keep me on a part time contract performing certain tasks, eff dat!
> 
> ...


Fantastic.....you have come a long way.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Well I thought I better update you all as it's been a while!

Things have been steadily getting better although I still feel low sometimes but I accept this now, it's something I can't rush.

I think that fact that I come on here so little shows that it is effecting me a lot less day to day even though as I said it still bothers me now and then.

There's only really been one time in the past few months I have felt really bad and that was when she accused me of guilt tripping her. I've explained this before but put simply whenever she feels guilty she has to try and put the blame on someone else, guilt is never justified for her.

Anyway it made me angry because in my opinion as well as that of others I have been amazingly quiet and dignified about this whole thing, I have made a conscious effort to not do the typical ex things like be difficult or angry or interfering and in particular lay guilt trips. I wanted to shake her and make her realise how fortunate she is and how quiet I have kept but of course it dawned on me she already knows, she just doesn't like feeling bad about what she did and has to try and dump the blame on someone else. I think another aspect also is that she has never liked it when I'm too quiet about things and tries to rattle my cage just to get a reaction but although it was tempting I just kept it all in.

The biggest joke is that for the whole time we were together she used to obsess over an internet girlfriend I had before we knew each other and only met for one week in real life, for 7 years she could not go a week without insulting her or stalking her facebook etc and that was someone from BEFORE we got together. If things had been the other way around and I had left her and started seeing someone else she would have made my life a living hell, if she could be that obsessed over someone before we were together imagine how she would have been if I had left her and got with someone else!

Anyway as much as that little episode got me feeling a bit down I didn't fail to notice that it was the first time I had felt like that in several months which is a good thing.

In terms of moving on I still think it's a little soon although I do talk to girls online a fair amount so I believe when the time is right I will be capable of getting more dates etc.

What I really want to do right now is lose weight but it's really tough, I've always been big so eating too much has always been an issue and there's probably a comfort eating aspect there as well. I really need to just get into a good routine and stick with it long enough that my investment of time and effort helps to keep me on track.

I don't think I will ever be truly slim (I'm not sure I would want to be either) but there was a point where I was comfortable and I have definitely gone over that.

I think the weight loss would help a lot, it will improve my self esteem and confidence and will allow me to walk further when I go out to take photos and of course I will probably be more attractive 

I'm just finding it so very very hard to get the initial momentum, giving up smoking 4 years ago was so easy compared to this!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Oh and PS it's now been over a year now. 

Like I said I still feel low sometimes but just looking back my first posts on this thread again it's clear how much progress there has been. I was in such a panic back then, so cut up and terrified. Things are much calmer now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you are doing much better. I'm glad to hear that. Time will definitely help you both in getting over your ex and finding a new woman to be happy with.

Have you looked into the South Beach Diet? It's worked for everyone I know & is a relatively healthy alternative.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

I hope things continue to go well for you. I've struggled a long time with weight, weight watchers was the easiest system to follow for me.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mallycoo

You are too nice.

Your wife is nuts. You need to raise your daughter as much as you can so she does not turn into her mother.

Lose the weight. It takes time but do i for you.

Then take your time dating.

I look forward to the day when you have a new beautiful woman in your life. 

And divorce your ex as soon as you can. She deserves it.
She threw you away like trash.

But crazy people do that.

The best revenge is living well.

Go do it.

HM


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I thought I would just stop by and let people know how I'm doing!

All I can think to say is what a massive difference from a year ago! I still get down every now and then and sometimes something is said or done that causes a little twinge of pain but overall I feel so much better now, I can go days without really dwelling on the matter and although I get lonely I am also conscious that it's my choice to be alone at the moment. 

I spent the last year or so recovering and I want to spend this new year working on myself and doing things I enjoy doing. If a relationship comes my way then so be it but for the next 12 months my two primary concerns will be working on myself and taking care of my daughter.

I've come a long way from laying in bed with a feeling of tightness in my chest, shortness of breath, palpitations, various muscle twitches, not being able to sleep etc

Now I sleep like a baby 9 times out of 10! It's so good to be able to appreciate the small things in life again like a hot bath on a cold day! When I went to visit my family in October it was such an enjoyable time compared to when I went in January, my mind was just free from the constant noise of despair and I could function a lot closer to what I would consider normal.

I'm going back again on the 27th with my little girl and I can't wait!

The numbness that consumed me has begun to wear away and I feel like I am beginning to regain a sense of purpose.

Things aren't perfect but they are definitely a whole lot better, wouldn't it be awesome if you could really believe it when people tell you that you'll feel better in time? I wish there was a way to make people see it.

Merry christmas and a happy new year to you all!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound so much better. And so grounded. I'm glad that things are so much better. From my vantage point, being older and thus much farther along, I know for certain that life does go on and things do get better. I also know that hearing that when things are rough doesn't necessarily ease the pain. You have always sounded like a wonderful man & one who deserves to reach the healthy place you are now in.

Happy Holidays to you and your daughter!


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted!

Since then things have continued to improve, I still get the odd lonely spell but it passes. I've begun to work on losing weight so I can get back to a place where I'm happier with my body and feel more confident perusing a relationship. Having said that I have met several people and been on dates and had a good time. Nothing serious has come of it but just knowing people are interested in spending time with you makes you feel a lot better about yourself.

My general demeanour is basically content, I can enjoy my hobbies and music and movies etc like I used to without feeling anxiety or thinking about what happened all the time, I still think of it occasionally but not often, maybe every 2 or 3 months!

Now fast forward to 2 weeks ago and things get a little interesting.

I said often just after my ex got in a new relationship that it was just a rebound but that because she is stubborn and determined to prove she's always right it wouldn't matter if it was a good relationship or not, she would keep it going out of pure face saving determination.

Over time I started to think my analysis was perhaps just sour grapes but it turns out it was true. He just left her and she is 6 months pregnant with his child!

She told me the whole thing has been chaotic and that it isn't the first time they have had issues. The primary issue seems to be that he can't decide if he likes men or women the most!

I said they were both crazy trying to start a family knowing that's how he felt but like I say, she's the kind of person who puts more importance on giving the impression that she always makes the right choices than anything else.

What's interesting is that I have had a lot of validation as a result of this. She said he was verbally abusive, I asked "like you were to me" expecting her to swing for me but she said "yes and now I know what it's like to be on the receiving end, it was so familiar except the words were coming out of his mouth instead of mine" She said she realises now what she must have been like to live with and apologised profusely. 

I found that very validating, and combined with her farce of a relationship it really made me feel confident that I wasn't the problem in our relationship and on a bigger scale, our relationship wasn't even the problem. I always said that she was unhappy inside and tried to pin that unhappiness onto external factors in an attempt to control it resulting in her constantly trying to make changes in her life until the only thing she had to change was our relationship.

But she left me and started a new relationship and has been even unhappier, she admitted she has had to spend a lot of time off work and has been on anti depressants and receiving counselling etc. This also made me feel confident that I was not the cause of her unhappiness when we were still together.

I do feel bad for her being abandoned while she is pregnant, I wouldn't wish that on anybody but it's hard not to say "I told you so" I once wrote her a letter saying "I don't want you to wake up a few years from now and realise you made the biggest mistake of your life because it will be far too late" and that's exactly what has happened. I'm willing to bet her perceived problems in our relationship don't seem quite so unmanageable compared to the mess she is in now.

This guy seems like a selfish idiot who was just experimenting on her. She asked if they could just take a break until the child is born but he stated clearly he would not promise to not have sex with other people and that while he will consider the possibility of reconciliation he makes no promises and that he intends to only worry about himself in the meantime, WHAT A CATCH!! 

But then it doesn't really matter how bad he is, this is all self inflicted and it's just not my responsibility, she has bought this all on herself. The more people suggested getting into another relationship so quickly was a bad idea the more determined she was to prove them wrong and once again she has just dug a massive hole for herself.

I can safely say the grass isn't greener on the other side and that makes me feel great!

I don't want to come across as totally unfeeling and spiteful though, I have offered a sympathetic ear now and then because at the end of the day she's the mother of my child and I need her to be sane and capable of taking good care of my daughter but thankfully even if I was insane enough to ever contemplate any kind of reconciliation the fact she is pregnant with his child is like a forcefield preventing me from doing anything stupid!

Having said that, pregnant or not I really don't think I would ever want to go there, I'm 100% sure now that nothing in her life is safe until she realises she has inner problems she needs to fix instead of projecting them onto outside things she thinks she can change. I would never gamble my happiness on her again, especially with a child in the middle. 

She's still way to obsessed with this guy to pursue me anyway although the odds are once she realises she wont get him back her attention will turn to me as some kind of consolation prize but I'll be prepared to deal with that.

I think it says a lot for how much progress I have made that I haven't seen this as an opportunity to try and get close to her but an opportunity to get some much needed validation. I think the most positive feeling was that I knew this would happen because I know her so well, that really reassured me that I had done nothing to warrant her leaving me and that it was just an inevitable consequence of how she tries to manage her problems in life. It really has been very fascinating to realise just how much you get to know a person but maybe not realise until they are out of your life.

The only real emotion I have felt are exasperation that she has done this to herself when she had a good life and a little frustration at just how cut up she is over this appalling person when she just walked away from with without a second care. She wants to go to relationship counselling with some guy who treats her badly and leaves her while she's 6 months pregnant but she refused to with me, someone who was loyal to her for nearly 7 years but on the other hand I guess she made a big gamble leaving me and she bet everything on him so everything is just falling in on her now. It just annoyed me for a while seeing her bending over backwards to try and please him and stop him going, she is a changed person like she has lost of a lot of herself and her self respect in a desperate bid to please him. I wondered why he was worth so much effort and I wasn't. 

Those feelings were fleeting though, a week later and I'm not really bothered about it because it says more about her than it does about me.

But the main thing I feel right now is validation and that It wasn't my fault we broke up and that I didn't fail my child. It was all down to her. I'm glad to know the grass wasn't greener and that like people always say, it's greener where you water it!

I'm impressed that she apologised to me and said she thinks it's karma. I guess it levels the playing field a little now because maybe she has some idea of how she made me feel.

Anyway that's my big update, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, any doubts I had about my own integrity and any responsibilities for the failure of my marriage have been vanquished once and for all.

I will try be a little supportive of her when it comes to anything to do with our child but otherwise she has a lot of family and friends here unlike me so I don't think it's really necessary to be a shoulder to cry on. She'll never know what it feels like to be alone like I did but at least maybe now she knows what it's like to be abandoned by someone when all you've done is try and be a good partner and have put up with their difficult personality for years.

So there we have it, a few years on and I'm single but content, a good father and I'm confident that I wasn't responsible for my failed marriage. 

She is single but not out of choice and facing a Christmas alone carrying the child of someone who left her because he's decided a heterosexual relationship isn't for him after all. She's depressed and missing work and her life is basically chaos.

It's funny how things turn out isn't it?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mallycoo

Keep the focus on you and your daughter.

Because your Ex has issues only she can fix.

And keep an eye on your daughter because with the Ex having those issues with another kid on the way she is going to be very stressed out which could affect your daughter.

Glad you are getting out there socially and feeling good about yourself.

You were really never the problem.....

HM


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've been off TAM for a while, but when I got an e-mail alert with this update I wanted to post a reply.

I'm glad that you have the validation that the issues are hers, not yours. People looking from the outside in could feel that, but when you're in the thick of it it can be very hard. And for some reason, we all have to go through the process. Now that you have turned the corner, you know that you are healthy and strong enough to face adversity like this and emerge intact, perhaps even better.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a reasonable, kind, strong man for a father. Best of luck to you, mallycoo.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Thanks for posting this. Nice to hear someone getting validation over time. I always wonder what happens to these wives who just decide to break up their family. I think some people will always thrust themselves into chaos and there isn't much to do about it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

New year, time for an update.

This is also a word of caution to anyone who may be caught in the fog or just considering leaving their partner because they feel bored or "unfulfilled"

Things have pretty much kept on the same path, the amount of validation I've had has been pretty enormous. 

The ex is due any day now and the father of her kid is pretty much a waste of space, he's not around unless it suits him and when she asked him to move back in temporarily for the birth he complained about it's impact on his "me time" and "leisure time" it's pretty clear that his own unborn child is pretty low on his priority list. Any time he has to make a concession or any effort for the sake of the women he impregnated he's sure to not let her forget it for at least a week. She's bending over backwards to try and please him despite the fact that he has left her to be largely alone during this difficult time in her life.

This has been a very humbling experience for her, she is quite aware of and admits the fact that the things she desperately wants from this person are all things she had from me and that she thew away. Things she took for granted and stopped appreciating she would now kill to have in her life.

I never thought I would live to see the day where she would, without prompting, actually admit to many of her own issues, admit that our marriage was doomed not because of me me but because she was incapable of acknowledging her own faults, let alone working on them. She seems fully aware that her life has become immeasurably worse since leaving me and that the things she feels she desperately needs are things she had with me and recklessly threw away.

I know everyone and every situation is different but please if you feel confused try not to make hasty decisions about your marriage. Sometimes leaving can be the right thing but you really need to take a long hard look in the mirror and work out if the marriage is the problem or not because if it isn't and you leave anyway because you're too proud to take ownership of your flaws and don't want to admit your responsible for your own unhappiness then it's a recipe for disaster. 

She never missed a day of work till she left me but since then she has spent a lot of time off with depression, she's just about to have a baby and spends a lot of the time scared and alone but still runs to the father at the drop of a hat because she's terrified he'll lose interest completely. She's scared about how she's going to manage to cope with a 4 year old and a new born by herself and to top it off she has to live with the fact that she had everything she wanted and threw it away because she thought the grass was greener. On a daily basis she has to confront the thought that none of this would have happened if she hadn't pushed away the one person who ever loved her unconditionally.

So yeah, it's funny how things turn around. I'm not sure I believe in karma or not but I can see why people do.

As much as she bought this on herself it's not nice to see someone suffer like this so I do try to help, especially anything I can do involving our child to lighten the load but I feel like the more I do the more I rub it in her face that she let the good one go.

We actually get on well now which is good for the kid. I suppose the more of a douche this guy is the more respect she has for me and realises that decent partners/fathers don't grow on trees. 

So in summary, I'm doing pretty good, I'm not worried in the slightest that I'm to blame for my marriage failing and I don't feel like a failure or an unworthy person in the slightest. While I do feel bad for her (even if she doesn't deserve it) the process has been and continues to be very validating for me. I no longer fear future relationships as I know I wasn't responsible for my last one disintegrating and that's a great feeling.

If you're reading this and you are thinking of leaving your spouse for the love of all things sugar glazed please take your time and think and try to be honest with yourself and see the true cause of your unhappiness because there's few things as bitterly painful as realising you already had everything you wanted and threw it away, especially when you only realise when you've gotten way too far out to ever pull yourself back to where you were before!

If your marriage genuinely makes you unhappy that's fair enough but if you're just plain unhappy in general then leaving your marriage isn't going to help, you have to change YOU!

One day you might end up admitting to someone that the problems you had with them seem laughably insignificant and easily solved compared to the mess your life is now in.

I'm feeling pretty GREAT on the other hand! I'm content, my daughter is VERY happy and is doing great at her nursery school. Life seems full of potential and opportunity, it doesn't matter if I live with my cats for the rest of my life, have a string of love affairs or marry someone else and settle down, I'm happy to just take each day as it comes and see what happens!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm not surprised at her revelations. You were a great catch. She really messed up.

As for your future, I'm voting for the string of affairs first and then the happy marriage.


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I'm not surprised at her revelations. You were a great catch. She really messed up.
> 
> As for your future, I'm voting for the string of affairs first and then the happy marriage.



That's they way I would like it too haha!

I'm too modest to say I was a great catch but I will say that none of her partners before me were particularity good and this latest guy is useless too so I will never understand where she got the idea that I was so unexceptional and easily replaced! I guess she's starting to see that now!

The funny thing is she had gotten quite critical of my earning power but the other day she was complaining that this guy was too career focused and that money "doesn't keep you warm at night" the exact words I used on her! It seems like she's finally realising the things that actually matter in life, just way too late. But again, it's just more confirmation that I had things right.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mallycoo

Have you ever read your thread from the beginning?

You should. You would be very proud of yourself.

Your Ex is selfish biotch. Period.

She hasn't changed much and she is slowly learning a very valuable lesson. 

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

Glad you are well. Let us know when you trade up!

HM


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your daughter may be suffering.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You're puzzled because she still chases the a$$hole that knocked her up and split.

That indicates you never read the mmslp book linked to below. Its also available as a download at amazon. Please read it before you ger in another relationship.

Nice guys don't have to finish last if they're also smart. Bad boys don't always get the girls.


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## FormerVictim (Jan 13, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> You're puzzled because she still chases the a$$hole that knocked her up and split.
> 
> That indicates you never read the mmslp book linked to below. Its also available as a download at amazon. Please read it before you ger in another relationship.
> 
> Nice guys don't have to finish last if they're also smart. Bad boys don't always get the girls.


The focus is still too much on her.


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