# Is it worth finding out who your spouse is cheating on you with?



## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

First off I just found out (20 mins before our marriage counseling session) that my wife has a 'crush' on someone else and she had been texting and communicating with them for the last few weeks.

She says I am emotionally abusive and unsupportive and she's not getting what she needs at home.

I told her that, out of respect for me, the end with the other guy until we figure out what is going on with our marriage. She says she wants a divorce and is moving out at end of month.

She won't tell me details of really how long it's lasted or the extent of the relationship. She now is resentful to me because she says I took the only thing away from her that 'makes her happy.'

We've been together 7 years, married 3.

I feel that I should know who it is, how long it went on, and to what extent. Does this really matter? Some say yes, others say no. It's eating at me though and I'm afraid I'm going to push her further away if I press the issue.

Thanks


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yes it does matter but she's not going to tell you so you'll have to do some digging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

The OM does not matter, it could have been anyone who figured the right "sweet nothings" to tell her. But on the other hand, my vindictive side says she's already gone and you don't have to make easy for her. Find out who the OM is, if he has a wife or girlfriend expose the affair to them, if you have proof tell the inlaws as well. Maybe if people had more B8lls and made these people accountable for their actions there would less of it. Bringing in no fault divorces was the worst thing that ever happened, a spouse that cheats should get squat in terms of support or custody of the kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How did you find out about this guy? 

My bet is if you do some more digging, you will find a lot more contact. Is he married? Can you look up her call logs online to see how much contact they have had? If you guys are on FB, try to get into her account to see if you can find out further info.



blackcat said:


> I told her that, out of respect for me, the end with the other guy until we figure out what is going on with our marriage. She says she wants a divorce and is moving out at end of month.


Tell her that is fine with you. Say "Wife, if that is what you want, so be it. Because I will not live in a marriage where there is a third party is involved. I love you and am committed to our marriage but I also know I deserve better than being strung along while you carry on with some other guy." Don't waffle, stand your ground.

Oh and you asked if it's worth it to find out who she's cheating with? Abso-f-cking-lutely. especially if he's married/partnered. That way you can expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend. She has right to know. Plus, if your wife talks any sh!t about how awful you are to her friends/family, you can say "Well she prob was trying to find excuses for and justify her affair with X." If it's someone you know, you sure as HELL want to know who it is so you can cross him off your "friend" list.


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## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

hmm...

I don't want the divorce that she wants, but it does seem inevitable. 

Her mom already knows about the guy (she told her before telling me). I told my parents even though she asked me not to. 

If it's true and she was 'just texting' the guy, is it still cheating?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she is emotionally invested in him and talking to him behind your back for fear you'll find out-- yes, it's cheating, dear. 

The 7 year itch strikes again...

Do you know the OM?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

With my first husband, for me it didn't matter. I was out the door once I had solid proof. I should of left before hand. I should of known before marrying him. All the red flags were there, I was in complete denial. 

Later to find out, my own friends would come to my apartment while I was at work. Did he cheat with them? I didn't care. My husband was also very verbally abusive. We were together for one year and I was emotionally/physically detached probably our entire marriage. I wanted him to change, I thought things would get better. I was wrong. 

17 years later, he is worse then ever. He hadn't seen his daughter in over a year, his decision. Yesterday, they met up for a small get together with friends and family. When my daughter walked out the door, he made a comment and said "It's about time you leave." right to her face. My daughter is a very good girl who is about to join the National Guard. He refuses to let her talk to her siblings, he literally hangs up the phone. This is very hard on my daughter, who has done nothing wrong. I wonder why I hooked up with such a hateful man in the first place. Anyways, he's a serial cheater and proud of it. 

I never once cheated on my first husband, even though I was emotionally detached. I live strongly by my morals. I'm very happy now. My husband and I are in a fabulous relationship. We both put each other needs before our own. These last 12 years of marriage have been the happiest years of my life. Your wife if using that as an excuse and justifying her cheating. My ex always put the blame on me for his cheating. Then he said I set him up to cheat. 

You will find a good woman. We are out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

I don't know who the OM(?) is, she won't tell me. We live in a small town and it would be easyish to discover.

What does this 'emotionally unavailable' mean?


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> The OM does not matter, it could have been anyone who figured the right "sweet nothings" to tell her. But on the other hand, my vindictive side says she's already gone and you don't have to make easy for her. Find out who the OM is, if he has a wife or girlfriend expose the affair to them, if you have proof tell the inlaws as well. Maybe if people had more B8lls and made these people accountable for their actions there would less of it. Bringing in no fault divorces was the worst thing that ever happened, a spouse that cheats should get squat in terms of support or custody of the kids.


I truly believe cheaters should get mandatory fines and jailtime!!! In the old testament adulterers were stoned to death not that I'm advocating that... well.. No but it was a better deterant system they had. Cheating should be a factor in every divorce case
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> How did you find out about this guy?


She told me after I became suspicious.


This hurts so bad and I can't stop thinking about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

blackcat said:


> I don't know who the OM(?) is, she won't tell me. We live in a small town and it would be easyish to discover.
> 
> What does this 'emotionally unavailable' mean?


Emotionally gone/disconnected emotionally/emotional abandonment.

What specifically did you say to her? And what specifically did you ask her??? (When she told you).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> I truly believe cheaters should get mandatory fines and jailtime!!! In the old testament adulterers were stoned to death not that I'm advocating that... well.. No but it was a better deterant system they had. Cheating should be a factor in every divorce case
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There would be a lot of people in jail and stoned to death.

Most states are no-fault (re: divorce).


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

blackcat said:


> She says I am emotionally abusive and unsupportive and she's not getting what she needs at home.


They all say this and its not true. They need to think like this in order to justify the affair in their head. Don't take it personally.



> I told her that, out of respect for me, the end with the other guy until we figure out what is going on with our marriage. She says she wants a divorce and is moving out at end of month.


Let her. If you try to stop her it will force her to move on faster. She sees you are the enemy and will do the opposite of what you want.

Tell her you changed your mind, you don't think the marriage can be saved and it's in both of your best interest that you get a divorce. Hell, even file for it yourself. 



> She won't tell me details of really how long it's lasted or the extent of the relationship. She now is resentful to me because she says I took the only thing away from her that 'makes her happy.'


You'll find out soon enough but she won't tell you at the moment.

She is setting herself up for failure but you can't stop her so don't try. Know that the vast majority of people that do this fail miserably and end up being for worse off once the honeymoon stage of the A is over.




> I feel that I should know who it is, how long it went on, and to what extent. Does this really matter? Some say yes, others say no. It's eating at me though and I'm afraid I'm going to push her further away if I press the issue.


Don't press it. Everything you do right now will just make things worse.

You are at the very beginning of something that will take months, if not a year or two to resolve. You'll get all your answers one day.

Don't try to stop her, just pull away and let her crash and burn. It'll be a couple of months for it to sink in to what she has done. Your best bet is to be out of the picture as much as you can and start dealing with the ego hit from the rejection.

She has been with you for 7 years so regardless of what she says and thinks, she will miss you IF you go NC for a while. She'll have withdraws from the M and she'll try to contact you to make sure you are still the a-hole she remembers so she can justify staying with the OM. Be aware of that, most people think when they reach out that they want to R when really they just want to reassure themselves that they are doing the right thing.

Try get away from her, she has built walls around herself that will take time to come down without your presence. She'll come snooping around once she sees you are not chasing her. They always do.


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## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Emotionally gone/disconnected emotionally/emotional abandonment.
> 
> What specifically did you say to her? And what specifically did you ask her??? (When she told you).


We had been fighting for a while and weren't getting along. 

This was 20 mins before our counseling appointment so I pretty much stayed silent until we go into the counselors office. Then we talked about this and I kinda blew up. I don't really remember what I said, but it all came down to her not knowing if she wants to be in this relationship.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

as JB put it so eloquently, Abso-f-cking-lutely.

Exposing and all that is all fine and good... But that's not the reason I say you _have to_ find out exactly who this d0uchebag is....

If you don't find out, it will drive you batsh*t crazy... lol. 

A nice sidebar symptom to extreme betrayal is PTS (post traumatic stress)... Which amongst other things brings on acute paranoia... 

I don't need, and wouldnt want my mind trying to fill in the "who" blank... I dont think that I could rest not knowing who was involved.. mind movies with rotating co-stars? constant mental scrolling through every friend, aquantaince, situation, and scenario looking for answers... the never ending "who-dun-it" playing in the back of my head for..... ??? eternity?. lol. 

nope, don't need that open ended question haunting my subcontious.

I'm f*cking finding out who it is and Im not stopping until I get some answers... lol.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Guaranteed there's more to the story - maybe a LOT more. If she wants a divorce, by all means give it to her. Kick her out.

After the initial shock wears off, you may discover you need to know all that stuff, but you will never find out everything. That shouldn't stop you from asking though.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Took me five months to find who the OM was, when I did it was almost laughable and actually freeing, kind of "You must be crazy, you left me for that?". I'd be embarrassed to be seen in the company of this person and she must be as well as she's not introduced him to anybody.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> Took me five months to find who the OM was, when I did *it was almost laughable*


Funny.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

blackcat said:


> Her mom already knows about the guy (she told her before telling me).


Go NC with her enabling mother too.



blackcat said:


> I told my parents even though she asked me not to.


Awww..she doesn't want to be looked at as a cheater to them. Too bad.



blackcat said:


> If it's true and she was 'just texting' the guy, is it still cheating?


This is a full on Emotional Affair (EA), and yes it's still cheating. Some are even worse than a Physical Affair (PA). Ask HurtinginTN about his WWs EA. An affair is an affair, whether it be an EA, PA, or both.

I doubt its just an EA, because if given the physical opportunity, it will almost always go PA. Like Jellybeans said, if you do more digging, you'll find out more. It's called Trickle Truth, and most waywards do this until evidence shows they're lying. TT is extremely damaging, leading to multiple DDays.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

blackcat said:


> We had been fighting for a while and weren't getting along.
> 
> This was 20 mins before our counseling appointment so I pretty much stayed silent until we go into the counselors office. Then we talked about this and I kinda blew up. I don't really remember what I said, but it all came down to her not knowing if she wants to be in this relationship.


Ok you were fighting. Did you consider that she was seeing him during this time, and the fighting is her poisoning the home life to both justify the cheating, and to cover for it?

It is all part of gaslighting that cheaters engage in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

ACtually she told me she wanted move out a week before and we were going to counseling to see if things were salvageable. 

I have a coworker who went through the same but a full blown PA and he called it. After thinking about past events, etc.. I confonted her and she admitted.


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## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Ok you were fighting. Did you consider that she was seeing him during this time, and the fighting is her poisoning the home life to both justify the cheating, and to cover for it?
> 
> It is all part of gaslighting that cheaters engage in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can go back about 2-3 weeks in which she asked me if I had any 'crushes' on people during our marriage. I think that is when things started up with them.

She says she isn't 'texting' him anymore and she wants to be alone to work out her own issues.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

blackcat said:


> I can go back about 2-3 weeks in which she asked me if I had any 'crushes' on people during our marriage. I think that is when things started up with them.
> 
> She says she isn't 'texting' him anymore and she wants to be alone to work out her own issues.


Transaction: leave me alone, you are cramping my affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blackcat (Dec 12, 2011)

Letter to my wife:


> Nothing I have said or done in the past justifies the line that you crossed. Just because times are tough or we don’t communicate like we should does not give you any authority cross the line that you have. We both have had our issues and it takes a lot of work to not just take the EASY way out of everything and that is exactly the path you chose, the easiest one. I know I have done nothing wrong and as much as you want to blame me for all the issues you are acting on right now, at the end of the day we are all responsible for our own decisions. Just know when everything falls apart and you are done living this unrealistic life that I will have moved with my life and I will always be the bigger person for not giving up on us and the kids. Our kids didn’t ask to be or deserve to be brought up in a broken home but at the end of the day this is the decision YOU have made by your actions. If we are going to make this work I need to know everything that has gone on so I can wrap my head around this whole issue and if you decide to not tell me then I am not going to wait and wonder and I want us to move on with our lives. Whatever you decide just know that this will affect us for the rest of ours and our kids lives so don’t play games.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

In my opinion,

That letter is not real good bro. I think your letter may cause her to get defensive and revert to her rationailizing, blame shifting and anger. I'd scrap it. It's way to emotional and manipulative, your pouring on the guilt. I don't think that is going to get the reaction your hoping for.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> In my opinion,
> 
> That letter is not real good bro. I think your letter may cause her to get defensive and revert to her rationailizing, blame shifting and anger. I'd scrap it. It's way to emotional and manipulative, your pouring on the guilt. I don't think that is going to get the reaction your hoping for.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Tell her you refuse to live in a one-sided open marriage. Tell her if the jerk-off means that much to her, by all means, leave. NOW!

Pack her crap in black garbage bags - throw them out on the lawn, rent a uhaul, put it in the driveway. Tape the keys to the front door with a note, change the locks. The note will say this -> "I refuse to live in a one-sided open marriage. You are free to go live with X and bang his brains out now. Leave me and the kids alone." 

File for divorce. You can always withdraw if she recommits to the marriage and does hard work to regain your affections.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Tell her you refuse to live in a one-sided open marriage. Tell her if the jerk-off means that much to her, by all means, leave. NOW!
> 
> ...


A very good friend I work with was having an affair with a coworker of ours. Her H found out, packed her things in bags and drove her to the guy's house. He told her "here's your new home, I hope you're happy." She started crying and that's when he sprung the conditions for her to remain in the marriage. That was two years ago and they are still married and happier than they were before. Sometimes that is what it takes.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I found out who it was even before he fully admitted it. She posted on his FB wall that she missed him and hoped to see him soon. I went to her FB page loking at what she had available, but she had her security settings so not much was seen. I messaged her and told her I was HIs wife and wondered what she was doing missing my husband! I didn't get a response right way, but did notice she changed her settings so non-friends could not message her. 

I asked my husband about her and he said she was just a friend. He met her about once a week for lunch. He talked to her cause she was easy to talk too. He said she knew he was reconsiling.

A few weeks went by with ups and downs and me always wondering about this woman. Never the less Husband and I were growing closer and doing things as a family more often and we did do things wihtout our kids too.

Then the OW started FB messaging me and it was on!!! I talked to my husbad about it with her first message. He said she was just a friend but she wanted more. I was suspicious.

MOre and more messages and him telling me about a text from her at 2:30am about how he told her to choose between her or me. He was almost admitting affair through text to me saying he was sorry he had put me in this position. Then the next day he confessed.

Its been just over 24 hrs since I have known most of the truth. I don't think I want to know everything. 

I can tell you knowing who it is: you will compare yourself. You will imagine the visual of this person wiht your spouse. You may know the area they live. You may know way more aboutt hem than you really want to know.

In my case the OW seems a bit heavier set than me from looking at her pictures. So it makes me have more doubts about my bra size. About what pleasures my husband had with her that he doesn't have with me.

You may have more hatred towards your spouce. I sure did today. I all of a sudden got a vision and I could not with hold myself from textin him at that moment I said " I can't get these visions to stop!!! I hope you sucked!"

My meaning was I hope he was not as good as it is when we do it. I also hope she did not get as much enjoyment as I do with him. I hope he did not get as much enjoyment as he does with me.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is demonizing you, and blameshifting, as justification for what she is doing

Bottom line, tho, is how bad was/is your mge.,---how big are the cracks???

No matter how bad things were, she doesn't have the right to cheat, she should have used whatever means she could have to force you to see her side of things, ---she didn't, had she threatened D., would you have listened, and changed who knows---now it may not matter!!

As to the lover---he doesn't matter, your beef is with your wife---she is who you took vows with, and it is with her, you need to work things out with if you really wanna R.

Seperation in this situation, is probably allowing her free time with her lover, and you now have no input.

Tuff situation---bottom line---Do what is best for YOU.


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