# I have never been this confused...



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

My wife and I have been separated for 6 months now. We sold the house and we each have our own apartment with a one year lease. We have 9 months until our leases are up and this is where things stand:

If you read any of my previous posts you will see we did have a lot of problems with my family. We have since taken care of those problems, at least for now, and now things still don’t seem right. We do talk on the phone a lot. Usually at least one hour a day and we see each other 1X – 2X a week. If I am at her house we will hang out for a little bit but then she’ll ask me to leave so she can have her alone time. And even when we are together there doesn’t seem to be any spark. We are not affectionate and if by chance we are it seems very tense. My wife always wants to talk about herself and what’s going on in her life but rarely asks about mine. We don’t do anything just the two of us, there is always someone else involved and if there isn’t then she is texting…all the time. I am confident she is texting her girlfriends but why all the time? Why is she so focused on them? It’s our marriage that’s at stake.

We don’t talk about our future at all and if we do it’s usually material things we talk about, not our relationship. I have asked her to go to counseling with me but she says she has too much going on. When I do bring up the future I always get the response “You’re always trying to rush things, I just want to take my time”. I am at a loss; I don’t know what to think anymore.

Is this where things should stand having already been apart 6 months?


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Well, as you know it takes two. She isn't ready after 6 months. 

She may be enjoying her space at this time. I am not sure what the reasons for separating were? 

You may end up needing to back off greatly. Don't give her the luxury of a backup husband/friend. You may have to hit her hard with the Tough Love. Dr. Dobson has a good book, When Love Must be Tough. This is about letting her free and seeing if she comes back. 

There are no guarantees, but after 6 months, you may be willing to do this as a last resort.


----------



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

You may be right...things may be a bit too comfortable for her. I am somewhat helping her out financially as well as there for her anytime. It's hard not to be as that is my nature. Is it possible to live together again when she can't be around me for more than half a day and she needs her space? Is this normal? Life has been full of so much chaos with my family that that's what we talk about now. It's not about what we can do to have some fun or forget about things...we seem to have nothing to taalk about anymore unless it's my family.

Thanks for the responses so far and please keep them coming.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Try backing off a great deal. Don't answer the phone every time...be busy when she "needs" something. Get her to thinking that you may be moving on with other things-perhaps another person. 

She sounds like she is very comfortable where she is....make is a bit more painful.


----------



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Funny you say that because I have even tried that. She'll just text or call back later. My problem is I have a hard time being an a** and just sticking it to her by ignoring her. I love her very much but feel like we are becoming friends that say I love you to each other.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Perhaps draw up some boundaries. Tell her what you want from the marriage. If she isn't willing to work on it, then tell her you will need to quit having contact with her unless it is mutual business. Then don't contact her. You want to disturb her comfort zone.

I am doing this with my H. Not easy. But, it's my only option left.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think she is at least interested in someone else. you arent her priority anymore.


----------



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

It really does seem that way doesn't it? I'm not convinced that there's a physical affair going on but maybe an emotional one. She is always texting and even when I stayed with her the weekend following her surgery she was texting someone at 1 am. I didn't dare ask who because then she gets upset with me. Do I just outright ask her even though she will be livid about me asking?


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Who cares if she's livid? You are her husband and you are paying her apartment bills? It is your business. You need to know where you stand. 

Your boundaries need to be set up.


----------



## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Perhaps draw up some boundaries. Tell her what you want from the marriage. If she isn't willing to work on it, then tell her you will need to quit having contact with her unless it is mutual business. Then don't contact her. You want to disturb her comfort zone.
> 
> I am doing this with my H. Not easy. But, it's my only option left.



So can you tell if the Tough Love is working or not?


----------



## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

It sounds to me like she is having an EA. Just an opinion. All of this is so freaking confusing and it would be easier sometimes to just let it go.. then you start thinking about them and wham.. I wonder if they think about us the way that we do them. I seriously doubt my husband is online at this time of night worried about me and my feelings... Might be time for you to just get some hobbies and start doing your own thing. That is what I have done and it does make you feel better most days


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Honesty and truth are essential to a marriage. Where there are secrets there is no good going on.

Why are you helping her financially?

You two may be living apart, but you are married. She must be willing to let you know who she is texting at 1 am.

If it is another man, you must draw a line in the sand. 

I think it is ridiculous to be helping her financially and she is paying attention to some other guy!

You need to get a backbone. Love is love, it isn't a doormat.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

karajh said:


> So can you tell if the Tough Love is working or not?



See my post under "When Love Must Be Tough." I feel like I'm making a little progress. It's better than chasing my tail like I've been doing for 9 months. 2 weeks separated and he's texting me for mutual business....I don't initiate any contact. Afterall, he is the one that wanted out. He has his freedom....

This is why I am giving the advice, when all else has failed, to BACK OFF. It perserves sanity for the chasee. The chaser get a break, with time to think..."is this what I really want." But they have to have a dose of the reality of divorce. No bills being paid, no texting/phoning when there is a problem (like a friend), no treating you like cr.p. Now, during the back off phase, they are wondering why you haven't called, why you aren't around, what you've been up to, who was that parked in the driveway????


----------



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

The confusion goes on. I definitely agree with all of you in that I need to go pretty much NC. 
On the other hand I would even be happy if we started marriage counseling and maybe even worked our way into spending more time together so that any issues we have will surface and we can talk about them with the counselor. That is a major step that we skipped.
Now I have spent time with her each of the last three days and she has been in a great mood. She seems a little more her old self and seems better with me. She says she has picked and choosed what friends she has talked to and that seems to be helping her. But now I don't know what I'm feeling...I guess kind of standoff-ish and withdrawn. I think just the six months of pushing me away has taken a toll on me and now she seems to be coming back around.


----------

