# Considering Divorce, I am very conflicted



## RichM (Jun 8, 2015)

Hi All,

Thanks for taking the time to read this over and post. 

I have been married for 11 years. I have 3 children, 2 boys (9 and 6), and 1 daughter (4)

My wife and I met and married fairly quickly and we had many good years together. This might be a strange way to start a divorce consideration, but I think she is a great person and mother.

She is smart, considerate, and kind. The issue comes to how we have changed as we have grown older. I just turned 37 and she is 39. 

It seems like our interests have grown apart. Here is a list of the things that make it particularly difficult for me to be happy with her.

- She stopped drinking any alcohol about 4 years ago. Health wise this is great, however, I enjoy things like going to comedy clubs and having a few drinks and having a glass of wine to unwind. Since she quit drinking entirely, this has changed the way we have spent time together. 

- She changed to natural/organic only food. Again, this sounds silly. However, we basically eat different things now. I do eat what she makes, she is a good cook. However, we used to have such a good time going to restaurants just about anywhere instead of researching before we go. 

- She seldom wants to get a baby sitter. When I first met her, she had a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. So when her daughter was 14-16 she used to be able to babysit some nights. However, she has been out of the house for about 3 years which has changed our dating life a lot. I have been on 3 dates in the last to years. I understand we have 3 children, but I am OK with getting a babysitter. My daughter has down syndrome so I can understand her hesitation, but my daughter is growing up and I think a good qualified baby sitter could watch her once or twice a month. 

- Another silly thing, she wont watch rated R movies anymore. I like my movies, and having to watch rated R movies with the guys or waiting until they are on video is not always fun.

- We used to like working on fixing up the house, but now she just wants to provide ideas but does not want to do it together. It used to be a good way to talk and spend time with each other. That has changed since she does not want to, I suppose I really don't know why and I should ask her though.

- She wants to move out of our current state because her family has moved away. I live in Washington so it is pretty raining, but this is where I have my career. It is difficult to keep telling her I want to stay while she really wants to move. I feel like I can't make her happy staying here.

- She has started doing cross fit for 1 year now. She is very active with it, it consumes a lot of her time. I am happy she found something to keep her busy besides the kids. However, I always liked her slim figure and now she is getting bigger, more muscle, etc. It is a harder to see her that way, but how do I tell my wife to stop doing something that makes her happy so I can see her thinner?

- I make a good salary and we used to be good about saving. however, we recently moved and her spending has gone up significantly. Mostly on good things like sports/vitamins/natural medicine/shes going to school now/special school for my daughter. However, we no longer have enough to save and for once in our relationship I have to ask her to stop spending so much money. I do not like to do that, but at a certain point I simply don't make enough.

- We have sex maybe once every 1-3 months, one time it was 6 months. When we first met, for the first couple year we would have sex 2-3 times a week. After children though it dropped significantly. lately sometimes I could "not" do it. This could be me physically, but I think it is more like I am unhappy. I have done some research and I have no signs other than when I am with her. 

- In the last 3 years, my wife has joined the Mormon church. I have always been non-denominational and I have nothing against the Mormon church. The people in the church are great and they have great ideals. However, it is different from what I believe and it sometimes is hard to live together when we have different beliefs. I feel like an outcast to her friends, and I feel like she thinks poorly of my friends. Many of whom are atheist. 

- I am a person who likes to touch/kiss/hug/etc. We used to do these things, but for some time now it has changed and I can't seem to get it back. My wife gives me pecks on the lips and only occasionally, like once every month will we do any sensual, even if it does not involves sex itself. This is actually one of the hardest parts for me. Not the sex, but the lack of intimacy. 

OK, I am actually feeling somewhat better now. I have been harboring these feelings for quite sometime now with no one to talk to. It is a relief to put them down where someone can read them and might provide feedback. 

I know many of the things I wrote down seem petty and I agree. This is why I am conflicted. My wife is a good person, good mom. I just am not happy and when I bring it up to her we work on it for a little while but then it drops off again. 

I have thought about counseling, but have avoided it. It seems like if I bring up counseling, it might make things worse, and what if I can not bring myself to leave her. Currently my reason for not wanting to leave are my children. She is a good mom and my kids are being brought up well. I am afraid that if we separate, she might treat them differently. She did this with her daughter from her previous divorce, she became slightly cold to her. I think it was a resentment of her ex-husband. 

For myself, I think I have changed relatively little. That could be a problem, maybe I am not maturing enough. Many of the changes my wife has made are to make her a better person and I understand that, but it does not seem to help the way I feel. 

I have a job that requires me to work about 10 hours a day and travel about 2-4 weeks a year on average. I like to spend time with my children, but I am not a super dad. 

We rarely have any fights, and if we do they are resolved quickly without anyone getting their feelings hurt to much. The only time I have made her really upset was 6 months ago when I asked her if she thought she would be happier with someone else because of some of the differences I listed above. Since then I have not brought it up again. 

How can I love someone but not be happy with them?

Sorry for the long message, but thanks for all of you who made it this far.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It sounds like your wife is moving on with or without you. The joining of the mormon church would seem to be the impetus for all these changes. (I think many of the changes, no alcohol, r rated movies, etc. stem from this). 
You have a lot of issues which you should be discussing with your wife, she may not know how you feel about these things and you cannot expect her to be a mind reader. It is better to take this list of things and ask her out for a meal (choose one preferable to her dietary requirements and organise a babysitter). Tell her you have serious matters to discuss with her (that ought to get her attention) and be open and honest (not blaming or critical). Make lots of "I" statements, "I feel" I think, etc. You have to ask her how she feels about the marriage and the difference in beliefs, is it a problem, etc.
YOu must do this first so that you know where you both stand before you can do anything else, it is only fair to her and you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

^^^^^

Very wise advice.

It is ok to vent her but you truly need an open, honest conversation with your wife.

Having a special needs child can be very demanding on a marriage.

I think a counselor to work through these issues with you as a couple would be a wise investment.

Keep posting.

And remember. Happiness first comes from within. Your wife is obviously working on her happiness. I think you need to work on yours.

Then the two of you work together.

HM


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

It seems like your wife is getting very fit and she enjoys the whole process of eating healthy and exercising. How are you in that area? Couch potato? Building a gut? Eat poorly? Those things could be a turn off for her now. Maybe you should take up her program and diet? Heck, it would be good for the whole family. 

I understand that you probably like your old lifestyle, but it's hard to convince someone (your wife) that being healthier isn't a great thing.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

RichM said:


> I know many of the things I wrote down seem petty and I agree.


No. They're NOT petty. Your wife seems to have made a series of decisions about her future with no consideration of you. Somehow you're just supposed to deal with it? If she'd decided to join the Manson cult, at least you wouldn't feel so guilty. But, essentially, that's what she's done.

I doubt that she's going to start drinking, quit the church and start watching R rated movies so....... you've got a problem here. Putting the marriage at risk is probably the only chance to get though to her, though I'm not optimistic. 

You are under no obligation to live the rest of your life by rules that you didn't have a part in making.


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## RichM (Jun 8, 2015)

Thanks for your replies. 

aine: That is good advice and I do plan on discussing these items in depth with her before I take any steps further. What I am trying to do right now is decide what I want and what I want to change to make it work. I do understand that this is a two way discussion and that she is not making any decisions that are bad for her, but I am trying to piece together what I want and how to be happy. 


happyman64: I agree with you and Aine on the advice. My daughters special needs are only affecting how I might want to proceed with my life, but currently she is quite the bright spot when I get home. I love her with all my heart and she is possibly the best part of my life right now. I actually am very happy outside of the marriage, I have good friends, jobs, activities, and hobbies. However, since many of these do not overlap with my wife's interests, it is what I am having a tough time with. Since I think my wife should be my best friend that I share my happiness with. 

VermisciousKnid: I go to the gym 2-3 times a week and usually work around the house on the weekends. I watch TV and dabble on the computer about 1 hour a night after she goes to bed. I like to stay up late, maybe 11pm and she goes to bed around 9pm so I have plenty of me time. So the rest of the time I try spending with the kids after I get home from work. I work about 10 hours a day so I do not get to see them all as much as I would like. For eating, I don't eat unhealthy, but I do like experimenting with different foods and wine and love a good whiskey when I go out.

Buddy400: I wouldn't ask her to quit the church, I think she and my kids get many good qualities out of attending. The changes my wife has gone through has been the real issue, related to church or not. I would not want to take that away from her by asking her to quit, so that is my conflict. I don't want her to change because she is happy with her choices, but I personally do not think they are my personality type and so me changing does not seems like the right thing either. 

It is nice to hear the different view and this is helping me a great deal so thanks. I don't plan on rushing any decisions since I think it is important for me to really understand myself before pursuing the conversation with her. 

I am scared of the change, what I have heard from others is that divorce is a bad situation all around, for everyone involved. So yes, I do plan on working on it, but I am trying to get an idea of where to draw the line of when it may be best to end the marriage.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

RichM said:


> - She stopped drinking any alcohol about 4 years ago. Health wise this is great, however, I enjoy things like going to comedy clubs and having a few drinks and having a glass of wine to unwind. Since she quit drinking entirely, this has changed the way we have spent time together.


Does she have to order something if she goes to the comedy club with you or can she drink water? 
How does she respond to your drinking? Does she complain about it?



RichM said:


> - She changed to natural/organic only food. Again, this sounds silly. However, we basically eat different things now. I do eat what she makes, she is a good cook. However, we used to have such a good time going to restaurants just about anywhere instead of researching before we go.


Is this organic and healthy food a problem any time other than going out to eat?
Could she do this research in advance without talking to you about it and would that make things better or do you feel like you are restricted from going where you want to go? Have you spoken to her about this?



RichM said:


> - She seldom wants to get a baby sitter. When I first met her, she had a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. So when her daughter was 14-16 she used to be able to babysit some nights. However, she has been out of the house for about 3 years which has changed our dating life a lot. I have been on 3 dates in the last to years. I understand we have 3 children, but I am OK with getting a babysitter. My daughter has down syndrome so I can understand her hesitation, but my daughter is growing up and I think a good qualified baby sitter could watch her once or twice a month.


 Could you two interview babysitters together and make a plan to have her babysit on certain days that are planning in advance. For example, the 2nd and 4th Friday of the month? If you tell her that this is important to you, that could help.


RichM said:


> - Another silly thing, she wont watch rated R movies anymore. I like my movies, and having to watch rated R movies with the guys or waiting until they are on video is not always fun.


Can you watch movies that are below and R rating? What is it about R rated movies that is so important to you? How often are we talking about?


RichM said:


> - We used to like working on fixing up the house, but now she just wants to provide ideas but does not want to do it together. It used to be a good way to talk and spend time with each other. That has changed since she does not want to, I suppose I really don't know why and I should ask her though.


Yes, you should ask.



RichM said:


> - She wants to move out of our current state because her family has moved away. I live in Washington so it is pretty raining, but this is where I have my career. It is difficult to keep telling her I want to stay while she really wants to move. I feel like I can't make her happy staying here.


Why do you want to stay? You said you have your career in WA, but is WA the only place you can have this career or do you have other reasons for not wanting to move? Where does she want to go?
It’s not your responsibility to make her happy. You have to be happy too. She should recognize that pulling up stakes and moving to another state is a huge deal. If you divorce, she might be able to take the kids with her to another state. Watch out for this. If you do decide to divorce, you should speak to an attorney first to make sure she doesn’t run off to her parents with the children. Getting them back could be impossible.


RichM said:


> - She has started doing cross fit for 1 year now. She is very active with it, it consumes a lot of her time. I am happy she found something to keep her busy besides the kids. However, I always liked her slim figure and now she is getting bigger, more muscle, etc. It is a harder to see her that way, but how do I tell my wife to stop doing something that makes her happy so I can see her thinner?


This is a tough one. It’s not like she has stopped caring for herself. The opposite is true. You don’t like what it has done to her figure. I think if you two had a better sexual relationship, you wouldn’t be so upset about the change in her figure.


RichM said:


> - I make a good salary and we used to be good about saving. however, we recently moved and her spending has gone up significantly. Mostly on good things like sports/vitamins/natural medicine/shes going to school now/special school for my daughter. However, we no longer have enough to save and for once in our relationship I have to ask her to stop spending so much money. I do not like to do that, but at a certain point I simply don't make enough.


You used to make a good salary? Does this mean you moved and your salary went down or you moved to a more expensive lifestyle?
Do you have a budget?


RichM said:


> - We have sex maybe once every 1-3 months, one time it was 6 months. When we first met, for the first couple year we would have sex 2-3 times a week. After children though it dropped significantly. lately sometimes I could "not" do it. This could be me physically, but I think it is more like I am unhappy. I have done some research and I have no signs other than when I am with her.


Do you watch porn? How often?


RichM said:


> - In the last 3 years, my wife has joined the Mormon church. I have always been non-denominational and I have nothing against the Mormon church. The people in the church are great and they have great ideals. However, it is different from what I believe and it sometimes is hard to live together when we have different beliefs. I feel like an outcast to her friends, and I feel like she thinks poorly of my friends. Many of whom are atheist.


What do you mean by nondenominational? That’s usually an independent Christian church. Most Christians who understand Mormonism consider it to be heretical. I can see how that would be a problem for you, especially if she is raising the children in something you do not believe is right. This is something that would need some professional help with a marriage counselor. However, if you don’t want the children learning only Mormonism, but you aren’t teaching them what you believe, then it’s really not your wife’s fault.

You are feeling disconnected and it appears that she is feeling the same way. I think she probably wants to be closer to her family, because she is not feeling close to you. My recommendation is that you sit down and have a heart to heart with her and tell her your concerns.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rich,

If you don't plan and prioritize - this type conversation with your wife is going to be a train wreck. 

I'd stay FAR away from anything that is religion driven including: 
- the comedy clubs that serve alcohol
- R rated movies 
- Etc...

And I would focus on 2 core issues that have nothing to do with religion:
- Her loss of desire to spend time with you 
- Her loss of desire for non sexual affection

Those two things are a huge indicator of the health of your marriage. 

That said, you need to learn how to steer the marriage in a positive way and have conflict that doesn't turn into combat. 

It is a bit toxic to ask: Do you think you would be happier married to someone else? When what you actually mean is - I'm not all that happy with you. 

I'm guessing you have some big respect issues. I have Mormon friends - great people. They tend to have a dim view non Mormon vices such as drinking. 

You can either accept a non marriage (not due to movie / comedy club differences) with no real connection. Or you can start having some honest but non threatening conversations. Being conflict avoidant will get you nowhere. 



RichM said:


> Thanks for your replies.
> 
> aine: That is good advice and I do plan on discussing these items in depth with her before I take any steps further. What I am trying to do right now is decide what I want and what I want to change to make it work. I do understand that this is a two way discussion and that she is not making any decisions that are bad for her, but I am trying to piece together what I want and how to be happy.
> 
> ...







VermisciousKnid said:


> It seems like your wife is getting very fit and she enjoys the whole process of eating healthy and exercising. How are you in that area? Couch potato? Building a gut? Eat poorly? Those things could be a turn off for her now. Maybe you should take up her program and diet? Heck, it would be good for the whole family.
> 
> I understand that you probably like your old lifestyle, but it's hard to convince someone (your wife) that being healthier isn't a great thing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Not having sex with you is a big indicator she is no longer in love with you. Refusing to get a baby sitter is a way of avoiding going out with you.

What does the Mormon religion say about married peoples responsibilities to each other including sex.

I'm wondering if you've been put into the apostate category. Is anyone else in her family Mormon? How did her conversion to Mormonism come about?


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