# Looking for advice from people who’ve used the 180 plan and reconciled after



## seekingsupport (Jan 2, 2012)

I’m the spouse who cheated. I cheated for 2 reasons. 1) I am emotionally needy and struggled to find what I needed in my husband 2) I’m an idiot….having learned more about the dangers and “addiction” of emotional affairs I now know what I felt for the other man was not true love but rather a physical response that I was uneducated enough to identify before it was too late. 

I was honest and open about the emotional affair to my husband but we didn’t understand what was happening enough to stop it. We were “soul mates” and thought nothing could come between us. We took our love for granted. Once it became physical I knew I had messed up royally. I came clean and he, understandably, reacted very strongly, filing for a divorce immediately. He’s kept things very formal with me aside from a few emotionally charged conversations. He has moved out of the house and hasn’t flinched about going through a divorce.

Is he following the 180 or is he just moving on? I’d like to know because if he’s using the 180 I’d like to try to reconcile but at the same time if he wants/needs to move on I want to make things as easy as possible for him. I know the damage I’ve caused our relationship is massive. I want to make things right….or at least as right as I can. I know I’m not strong enough to face our families and friends who know what I’ve done. I know I still have very high emotional needs and still harbor some confusion as to how best meet them. I also understand, because of these things that I am unable to be the women he currently deserves. Do I think I’ll be strong enough one day? I certainly hope so. But cheating is never something I thought I’d be able to do. I have a lot of disappointment in myself to come to terms with. So what do I do? Do I walk away to let him move on? I’ve asked him to tell me exactly what he wants and he said divorce so I’m currently just giving him space.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

seekingsupport said:


> I’m the spouse who cheated. I cheated for 2 reasons. 1) I am emotionally needy and struggled to find what I needed in my husband 2) I’m an idiot….having learned more about the dangers and “addiction” of emotional affairs I now know what I felt for the other man was not true love but rather a physical response that I was uneducated enough to identify before it was too late.
> 
> I was honest and open about the emotional affair to my husband but we didn’t understand what was happening enough to stop it. We were “soul mates” and thought nothing could come between us. We took our love for granted. Once it became physical I knew I had messed up royally. I came clean and he, understandably, reacted very strongly, filing for a divorce immediately. He’s kept things very formal with me aside from a few emotionally charged conversations. He has moved out of the house and hasn’t flinched about going through a divorce.
> 
> Is he following the 180 or is he just moving on? I’d like to know because if he’s using the 180 I’d like to try to reconcile but at the same time if he wants/needs to move on I want to make things as easy as possible for him. I know the damage I’ve caused our relationship is massive. I want to make things right….or at least as right as I can. I know I’m not strong enough to face our families and friends who know what I’ve done. I know I still have very high emotional needs and still harbor some confusion as to how best meet them. I also understand, because of these things that I am unable to be the women he currently deserves. Do I think I’ll be strong enough one day? I certainly hope so. But cheating is never something I thought I’d be able to do. I have a lot of disappointment in myself to come to terms with. So what do I do? Do I walk away to let him move on? I’ve asked him to tell me exactly what he wants and he said divorce so I’m currently just giving him space.


He's told you exactly what he wants and there's nothing you can do (right now) but give him space.

I think the 180 would be good for you....one to help you give him the space he needs and two, to help you deal with the situation and move on in case there will be no reconciliation....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There's really nothing you can do. He is calling the shots now. You cheated. It's all in his court at this time.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

At least you came out and spoke about what happened. That in itself is a huge step.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Understand you are not a bad person. Yes, you cheated but you accepted your responsibilities and decided to stay with your marriage instead of living for the affair. I am actually proud of you for coming clean to him and admitting your faults to yourself. 

You understand that you may have lived in a codependent relationship for awhile setting aside your needs for those of your husband to feel happy, and in doing so felt taken for granted. I am just guessing from what you wrote above "finding what I needed in my husband" and care taker vibe. 

Being in the opposite role I can tell you for certain your H is going to feel some dissapointment in himself and resentment towards you. Your H is going to be hurt for a while since the initial shock and needs some time to himself. And really he is going to feel hurt for as long as he wants to feel hurt. There's nothing you can do to change his mind right now. 

Instead, give him the space he needs to deal with this and the divorce he wants. You can try to fight him on this but you won't get along so long as you have something to fight over. You should have a long enough grace period before anything is legal to change or delay the process. Even if you do divorce it's not like either of you are going to drop dead any time soon. You can always start over with friendship and reconcile in time.

If he's like other betrayed spouses know that he probably had this ideal relationship in mind where neither of you would stray and "death do you part", but that's not realistic at all. Even though none of us would like to admit it affairs happen and our once perfect spouse can hurt us, but that doesn't have to be the end of the story. It's childish to want perfection in the other spouse and give up on years of a happy relationship because a spouse cheated and hurt our feelings. As the saying goes "he can be right, or he can be happy".

He's going to be insecure about you for a while so approach him slowly. No amount of apologies or signs of affection will change his mind and have him trust you like before. You betrayed him so it's going to take awhile and many small demonstrations that you can be trusted again for him to open up and show you his vulnerability. If you are willing to take the time (possible a few years) you can put all of this behind you. Just know that in the future you both have an equal probability of cheating.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> Understand you are not a bad person. Yes, you cheated but you accepted your responsibilities and decided to stay with your marriage instead of living for the affair. I am actually proud of you for coming clean to him and admitting your faults to yourself.
> 
> You understand that you may have lived in a codependent relationship for awhile setting aside your needs for those of your husband to feel happy, and in doing so felt taken for granted. I am just guessing from what you wrote above "finding what I needed in my husband" and care taker vibe.
> 
> ...


This post has been helpful to me as well. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You're very welcome, hon.


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