# Husband wants a divorce! So lost



## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

*Husband wants divorce! I'm lost!*

Hi,

I am British living with my dh in USA. We have been married for the last 11 years with 9 and 6 year old daughters. Every year my daughters and I go to England to see family over the summer and when we got back I noticed that my dh was unaffectionate etc., to me. I then had to have surgery and recovering from that so couldn't deal with what was happening in our marriage. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago my dh out of the blue says he wants a divorce. He is hoping that we would sell the house and then buy 2 different properties. First of all, I have no idea how this is going to be possible financially! We are barely making ends meet as it is. Second, I have nobody here so if we did split I'd be on my own here. I hate the winters here (NE USA) and feel so alone.

We then had another discussion and I told him I didn't want to stay here if we split. I want to go back to my home country. He said that he won't fight me on this but everything is happening so fast and it sounds like he wants things to happen sooner rather than later. I asked him how long he has been unhappy and he said 12-18 months! I only noticed since the summer. For me this is too fast to decide on what is best.

I know my girls are going to be devastated by all of this particularly my 9 year old. I want to go back to England but that means my daughters don't get to see their father much. I'm so torn and feel like this is so rushed. My dh is thinking of putting the house on the market in the spring and then we would leave end of June time.

I really have nobody to talk to apart from my MIL and she doesn't know what's going on as yet. I'm so lost and confused.

My children will have to first realize that their parents are going to be divorced (My 9 year old already suspects something is going on and told me she doesn't want us to divorce), we have to sell the house, move towns (and schools) and possibly move countries. It's going to be such an upheaval.

To top it all off my green card runs out Spring 2017 so if we did go back I won't be able to come back unless I renew or apply for citizenship.

:crying::crying:

I know this is long and thank you for reading this!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wonder who his mistress is.

So sorry to hear all of this. I'd get into counseling asap if I were you because you have a LOT of decisions to make for you and your girls. Keep posting here. You'll get lots of support.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

I'm thinking that too! He doesn't want to do counseling and thinks it's a waste of time.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Don't leave the US until you secure your citizenship

Then work out the logistics I will give you more options.

Trust your instincts

Do some PI work and see if he is seeing someone else.

Do not raise the issue just investigate

At the very least remove it as a possibility.

This can change the entire picture.

55


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What state do you live in?


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

Massachusetts..........fyi he already pays child support for his 18 year old daughter from a previous relationship (she's a freshman in college).

Problem is I was waiting till we get our tax return to apply for citizenship. As well as the fact we are going to England end of June anyway. I'm thinking too much right now!! Sorry


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You need to go over to CWI and read some of the posts about catching a cheater....With luck, you might avoid divorce if you can quickly expose them to her spouse or family, and his family. In any event you need evidence for leverage in the divorce....

A little snooping can go a long way....And since you were recently out of the country, he probably got sloppy....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

whistle21 said:


> Massachusetts..........fyi he already pays child support for his 18 year old daughter from a previous relationship (she's a freshman in college).
> 
> Problem is I was waiting till we get our tax return to apply for citizenship. As well as the fact we are going to England end of June anyway. I'm thinking too much right now!! Sorry


First, stop apologizing . Of course your mind is spinning. Your husband has turned your world upside down.

Here's information about divorce in MA and a quote from the article, should you decide to investigate whether or not he is cheating, and I suspect he is since most men don't just up and leave their marriages unless someone else is waiting in the wings. (Why did his first marriage end?)

"when an adulterous spouse dissipates (wastes) marital money during the course of an affair, judges are likely to consider that fact when making alimony decisions. For example, in Ross v. Ross, a husband spent marital funds on therapy for his mistress, and the appellate court ruled that his adultery should be factored into the alimony award because he was squandering marital funds on someone other than his spouse. 430 N.E.2d 815 (1982).

More recently, the appellate court explicitly ruled that when a husband spends money on a woman who isn’t his wife as part of an adulterous affair, then the affair dissipated marital assets and must be taken into account when making an alimony award. McMahon v. McMahon, 579 N.E.2d 1379 (1991)."

Adultery in Massachusetts: Does Cheating Affect Alimony? | DivorceNet.com


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

He never married her but they split up because she cheated on him.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

I have no idea how to find out if he's cheating. Wil check out that forum thanks. He's changed his password on his phone (since the summer) so even more suspicious. I would love to check his text messages but don't know how!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

whistle21 said:


> I have no idea how to find out if he's cheating. Wil check out that forum thanks. He's changed his password on his phone (since the summer) so even more suspicious. I would love to check his text messages but don't know how!


It is a work phone?


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> You need to go over to CWI and read some of the posts about catching a cheater....With luck, you might avoid divorce if you can quickly expose them to her spouse or family, and his family. In any event you need evidence for leverage in the divorce....
> 
> A little snooping can go a long way....And since you were recently out of the country, he probably got sloppy....


Where is the cwi??


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Coping with Infidelity - Talk About Marriage


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It is a work phone?


Yes it is


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

whistle21 said:


> Yes it is


Then you're probably out of luck with being able to see who he's texting. There are other things you can do, though, to try to find information out. Starting with a Voice Activated Recorder hidden in his vehicle. I've never done that but lots and lots of people here have. I think @Bananapeel put one in his house if I remember correctly. 

Do you have access to his computer?


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Then you're probably out of luck with being able to see who he's texting. There are other things you can do, though, to try to find information out. Starting with a Voice Activated Recorder hidden in his vehicle. I've never done that but lots and lots of people here have. I think @Bananapeel put one in his house if I remember correctly.
> 
> Do you have access to his computer?


It's a shared computer for the family.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

So sorry you are faced with this. My assumption based upon your opening would be that your husband is involved with another woman. You need to find out. If you can't check his phone records, go to Walmart or Best Buy and get a voice activated recorder (VAR). You can then velcro it underneath his car seat. If he does have a girlfriend, they probably talk on his way to and from work. Also, another possibility is to hire a PI to follow him; however, I would try the VAR first. Has your husband suddenly become attached to his phone? Does he keep it with him at all times = even in bed? If so, this is a clear sign of infidelity. There is a "Standard Evidence Gathering Thread" in the Coping with Infidelity forum that can help you with surveillance. 

Again, I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. Please take care of yourself and take care of your children. You need to remain strong. 

Take care.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

whistle21 said:


> It's a shared computer for the family.


Someone here can probably guide you on how to install a keylogger on that computer to see what he's typing and to whom. @GusPolinski


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

whistle21 said:


> It's a shared computer for the family.


Is it a Mac or Windows computer?


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

karole said:


> So sorry you are faced with this. My assumption based upon your opening would be that your husband is involved with another woman. You need to find out. If you can't check his phone records, go to Walmart or Best Buy and get a voice activated recorder (VAR). You can then velcro it underneath his car seat. If he does have a girlfriend, they probably talk on his way to and from work. Also, another possibility is to hire a PI to follow him; however, I would try the VAR first. Has your husband suddenly become attached to his phone? Does he keep it with him at all times = even in bed? If so, this is a clear sign of infidelity. There is a "Standard Evidence Gathering Thread" in the Coping with Infidelity forum that can help you with surveillance.
> 
> Again, I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. Please take care of yourself and take care of your children. You need to remain strong.
> 
> Take care.


He has changed his password so there's no way of me accessing it. He always keeps it face downwards now and he's stopped his notifications showing on screen.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Is it a Mac or Windows computer?


It's a windows


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

whistle21 said:


> I have no idea how to find out if he's cheating. Wil check out that forum thanks. He's changed his password on his phone (since the summer) so even more suspicious. I would love to check his text messages but don't know how!


 B I N G O

Single most common red flag.

Go to CWI ask a mod to transfer your thread

Wieghtlifter and Gus will come along to advise you

Everybody there can tell you first hand what to look for

MattMatt is in the UK and help you with issues from your COO

Be sure you link this thread with you new thread if you take that path
so those of us that have been involved can continue to help you 


Keep you chin up young lady

Think like Winston Churchill

55


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The VAR worked for me. I got a Sony and it was about $50. My tipoff before getting one was I checked the browsing history on the computer (my ex didn't know to cover her tracks and erase it) and I saw her checking up things about affairs.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Re: Husband wants divorce! I'm lost!*

Have you spoken with your own family in the UK? Talk to your family. You might find that they can give you all kinds of support that will make this less scary for you.

Is it possible your H met someone else while you were spending the summers in the UK, or when you went through your illness? Sometimes people start to rewrite history when they have an emotional or physical affair with someone else, in order to justify the affair. 

Regardless, start planning for your future by yourself. Your H has told you he's moving on. Hoping he changes his mind is understandable, but but plan for the worst.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

whistle21 said:


> It's a windows


Does your husband use it w/ any regularity?

What does your husband do for work?

Do you work outside the home? If so, what do you do?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

BTW I am in your neighborhood and would love to give you H a piece of advice.

If not a lesson he will not soon forget.

55


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

He's too good on the computer to not delete history etc so I know it's not worth checking. My dh is in security and I'm in the school system working few hours. Not much to support myself anyway. (I work 12 hours a week as I'm the one that cares for our children).

Thanks all for your advice!! I feel like I'm not completely alone!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

whistle21 said:


> He's too good on the computer to not delete history etc so I know it's not worth checking. My dh is in security and I'm in the school system working few hours. Not much to support myself anyway. (I work 12 hours a week as I'm the one that cares for our children).
> 
> Thanks all for your advice!! I feel like I'm not completely alone!


When you say that your husband works in security, what do you mean? Does he work in physical security (i.e. security guard, alarm salesman, security systems installer, etc) or does he work in technical/digital/cyber security?

Either way, w/ the right software in place, deleting history will do exactly NOTHING for him.

Spector Pro (w/ eBlaster add-on) and WebWatcher are a couple of commercially-available keyloggers. There are pros and cons to both of them, but both of them do a pretty good job.

There are also a handful of free keyloggers available, though I'm not terribly familiar w/ them. I'll do some digging later today to see what I can find.

It's also important to note that, regardless of the keylogger that you choose, you'll need to adjust your anti-virus/malware software in such a way that it doesn't view the keylogger software as malware.

Tagging in @ScrambledEggs for his input as well.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

God I have no idea on all this technical jargon. I'm not that great on computers. He deals with security in a private company but he's not a security guard it's more of a cyber security. I can't say too much on here about that


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Well, the posters are correct that password protecting his phone is a red flag but it would be wise to note that a red flag means exactly nothing without actual proof. sure it's suspicious, but it is not on it's own proof of anything. The problem here in CWI is you will get no 
help with anything BUT trying to catch them cheating.

If he decided to leave you for any other reason then focusing 100% of your energy into proving him a cheat is not going to get you anywhere.

You said you have no idea how this will work out financially. Well, I suggest you look at how it is currently working out.

You husband works a full time job. You don't. Yet you pack the kids up and fly to England EVERY summer right? And leave your husband home to keep the paycheque flowing? During this vacation of yours I'm assuming you are not working AT ALL. Am I right?

Oh, and you've indicated you already have the tax return spent to benefit yourself personally correct?

Ya, must be cheating, There couldn't possibly be another reason other than that.....


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

Rubicon said:


> Well, the posters are correct that password protecting his phone is a red flag but it would be wise to note that a red flag means exactly nothing without actual proof. sure it's suspicious, but it is not on it's own proof of anything. The problem here in CWI is you will get no
> help with anything BUT trying to catch them cheating.
> 
> If he decided to leave you for any other reason then focusing 100% of your energy into proving him a cheat is not going to get you anywhere.
> ...


We have only managed to go to England because my parents have paid for us to go otherwise we couldn't have afforded to.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Chime in ....

Yep he is cheating. When it comes out of the blue like this it's because of someone else. Others will guide you on how to discover the truth through his cell phone and or email. What I want to recommend is once you have the evidence and confront he will likely have guilt. He is living in la la land thinking how life will be with his new mistress..... let him. Use this opportunity to have him sign off on his parental rights and move the kids to England. If you don't this this, and the divorce drags, and he wakes up and realizes he is going to loose the kids he may fight you on leaving with them. I have no clue what laws are like in Mass but in Colorado you would have Zero chance to relocate the kids if he fought you on it. Strike while the iron is hot. 

Sorry you are going through this, You're not alone


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Chime in ....
> 
> Yep he is cheating. When it comes out of the blue like this it's because of someone else. Others will guide you on how to discover the truth through his cell phone and or email. What I want to recommend is once you have the evidence and confront he will likely have guilt. He is living in la la land thinking how life will be with his new mistress..... let him. Use this opportunity to have him sign off on his parental rights and move the kids to England. If you don't this this, and the divorce drags, and he wakes up and realizes he is going to loose the kids he may fight you on leaving with them. I have no clue what laws are like in Mass but in Colorado you would have Zero chance to relocate the kids if he fought you on it. Strike while the iron is hot.
> 
> Sorry you are going through this, You're not alone


It's the same here if he fought it I would not be able to go. I'm just surprised he won't even consider counseling knowing he's not going to see his children much. He wants to divorce knowing he's going to lose his children is just unbelievable. I'm really in a state of shock.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

whistle21 said:


> God I have no idea on all this technical jargon. I'm not that great on computers. He deals with security in a private company but he's not a security guard it's more of a cyber security. I can't say too much on here about that


Hmm... you might have trouble getting a keylogger past him.

Hell, he may have already installed one himself.

If so, he may very well be aware of this thread.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

whistle21 said:


> It's the same here if he fought it I would not be able to go. I'm just surprised he won't even consider counseling knowing he's not going to see his children much. He wants to divorce knowing he's going to lose his children is just unbelievable. I'm really in a state of shock.


Some will call this the fog of the affair. It may not last long


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

whistle21 said:


> He has changed his password so there's no way of me accessing it. He always keeps it face downwards now and he's stopped his notifications showing on screen.


With this, of course there is an affair. 

Not sure how long the process takes but If you want a US passport start applying now. Even if you go back the UK ultimately, at least you will have options open to you.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Wonder who his mistress is.
> 
> So sorry to hear all of this. I'd get into counseling asap if I were you because you have a LOT of decisions to make for you and your girls. Keep posting here. You'll get lots of support.


The mistress must be either wealthy or have enough money to support him or already have a house. Otherwise he would not think splitting their house proceeds would support two other homes.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

whistle21 said:


> I'm just surprised he won't even consider counseling knowing he's not going to see his children much. He wants to divorce knowing he's going to lose his children is just unbelievable. I'm really in a state of shock.


I agree with everyone who says that a mistress is involved. However, all may not be lost. Maybe you can get him to realize that not seeing his kids would be devastating for them and for him as well and that divorce is not necessarily the best option (why not convince him to try MC before making that decision). I believe that he has not really thought this through. Someone must be pressuring him (mistress), The folks on here will give you good advice. Divorcing with children is really something to be avoided unless all else fails.....


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Whistle, can you start the application process for citizenship? That way, you won't need to be spondered to return to the US. 

IMO, if he wants a divorce and is in the affair fog, then, get him to give you custody of the kids. Have him sign everything now, while he wants to leave in a rush. He would be more in the mindset to give you ask for, just to get raid of you. Sorry, that is hard to hear.

When, my BIL was in his A, I was shocked at how he responded to his kids. As if they were a burden, to be gotten raid of. He never considered their feelings or how much pain he was putting them thru. The boys are more quickly to forgive but the girl is so bitter and disappointed in him. The two of them are constantly fighting nowadays. But he is still not being thruthful and the family had to guilt him into giving her up. We came down like a wall on him. I am wondering if we did the right thing. Time will tell.

Keep posting, you will get plenty of support. You have to tell family and friends in order to expose him. Also, they will give you support and advice when you need it. 

I know you have a lot of whys but most likely you will never get any answers. People who cheat are in creditably selfish and are only looking to protect the affair and OW. Her wellbeing is way above yours now. 

Keep your head and start protecting yourself and kids. Watch out for your best interest, which is to ensure your financial wellbeing and the wellbeing of your kids. 

Start having a plan in place. Even, if you are hoping that he comes to his senses. He might never do so.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Make sure you gather hard evidence before you accuse him of cheating. 

Some men get unhappy in a relationship just like women do. It does not necessarily mean he is cheating on you.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

Thanks all. I will definitely think about applying for citizenship now. Not sure where we will find the money knowing Christmas is coming. I'm not going to rush the divorce he's got to realize he's had 12-18 months to think on this and I've had 2 weeks!! I need to get my head round it and decide what is best for my kids. To go to England or to stay here and I be miserable. It's going to break their hearts and I don't want my girls to resent me for moving them so far from their father no matter what he's done. It's a hard choice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whistle21 said:


> It's the same here if he fought it I would not be able to go. I'm just surprised he won't even consider counseling knowing he's not going to see his children much. He wants to divorce knowing he's going to lose his children is just unbelievable. I'm really in a state of shock.


He's got a woman on the side who is now withholding the sex and telling him he can't get any more of it unless he ditches you. Sorry, but we see it all the time.

Men have left families, careers, fortunes, just to get one more piece of ass from a sexy mistress. Who was that guy, a governor?, who abandoned his job and flew down to South America just to screw his mistress? Never underestimate a man and sex.

Buy a voice-activated recorder and velcro and velcro it under the seat of his car, and check it every night to find your evidence of his phone calls to her. 

Search for a computer specialist in your area who will break through his password and, once you have him lined up, 'borrow' his computer when he comes home when he's in the shower or watching the kid, drive it to that specialist, and wait for him 
to unlock it and download everything. Then bring it back. If he catches you doing it, just say "I'm fighting to save my marriage" and nothing else. Do NOT talk to him about it. Right now, he is NOT your friend. Right now he is your single worst enemy, in the affair fog, a drug addict, and he will do anything to get one more hit of that affair drug, so it's YOUR job to save him from himself.

Find a friend who will be willing to follow him for a few days with a camera and try to catch them together.

Do not agree to ANYTHING. You are in NO hurry. The longer you take, the more desperate he will become, and the more chance you have to catch him so you can expose the affair or else the more willing he'll be to give you EVERYTHING just to be able to run to his mistress.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

I have a work phone, I work for a large corporation. The IT policy on passwords is they must be changed every 90 days.

I hate changing it. It's totally a pain and I don't want to do it. The company cares not, I have to change it regardless of how I feel.

Therefore, according to the advice in this thread, There is no doubt I'm a cheat.... I can assure you that is not the case.

Keep in mind that if the only thing you have is that he has a password on a company phone then you really don't have anything at all. It is a good idea to check into it but if you really want to save your marriage you cannot fill your head with completely imagined scenarios. Follow the advice to verify but do not react to the people who at this point are making claims of certainty that there is an affair in the works. They simply cannot know this. These are jaded people and this is their default stance regardless of evidence. They are guessing at best.

Tunera, Claiming there is a woman in his ear withholding sex and forcing a divorce is totally irresponsible advice. You have zero evidence of any of this and you are making up this tripe and pouring it in this poor woman's ear. Shame on you for taking this outside the realm of reality. People in this situation do not need you fear mongering. How about we lay off the fiction and actually help this woman.

If you want to save your marriage you best find out what is wrong with it. You need to find out IF he is cheating, not just assume he is. There are a lot of good methods on this site for discovering the truth. learn and follow them. Make your decisions based on the truth you discover. Despite the opinion around here that NOBODY ever wants a divorce without an affair behind it the fact is people divorce all the time for reasons that have nothing to do with fidelity or the lack thereof.

Again, go back to your lifestyle. He works all year round, you admit money is tight, yet your parents swoop in every year and take you and the kids on a two month vacation in Europe while your husband is left home to mow the lawn. This happens year after year.

You have the tax return spent long before it arrives. How much of it goes in your husbands pocket? Did he suggest it be spent on you or did you plan for that?

Does your husband have cash for toys? What about hobbies? What does he do for fun? How much disposable income is left for him to go enjoy the benefits of his labour? Does he ever get to go on a vacation with the family? Do you think, from his point of view, life is all roses? Or maybe life is all roses for you but he is getting resentful of providing it and getting no consideration in return. 

You want to save your marriage. If he isn't cheating and you go full on the offensive as if he is you might find he wants the divorce more, not less.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubicon said:


> If you want to save your marriage you best find out what is wrong with it. You need to find out IF he is cheating, not just assume he is.


Interesting.

Maybe that's why - in the same post you refer to me as fear-mongering - I stated this:


> Buy a voice-activated recorder and velcro and velcro it under the seat of his car, and check it every night to find your evidence of his phone calls to her.
> 
> Search for a computer specialist in your area who will break through his password and, once you have him lined up, 'borrow' his computer when he comes home when he's in the shower or watching the kid, drive it to that specialist, and wait for him
> to unlock it and download everything. Then bring it back. If he catches you doing it, just say "I'm fighting to save my marriage" and nothing else. Do NOT talk to him about it. Right now, he is NOT your friend. Right now he is your single worst enemy, in the affair fog, a drug addict, and he will do anything to get one more hit of that affair drug, so it's YOUR job to save him from himself.
> ...


OP, if you determine he's not cheating, THEN take a good hard look at your marriage and what he is or isn't getting out of it. But if he IS cheating, that must be addressed FIRST.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Actually yes, that is exactly why I said you were fear mongering.

Specifically this particular part where you very clearly assume he is cheating:

" Do NOT talk to him about it. Right now, he is NOT your friend. Right now he is your single worst enemy, in the affair fog, a drug addict, and he will do anything to get one more hit of that affair drug, so it's YOUR job to save him from himself. "

You see, if you are wrong, Having her go hard at him with accusations of infidelity when he is not cheating is pretty much going to destroy any chance she has of reconciliation after the fact. 

You are banking 100% that he is cheating and trying to get her to go all in on this with you when she's the only one holding chips. You are telling her it's ok to do this right in front of his face and be indignant about it in the process when confronted by him.

That's irresponsible.

It is responsible of her to look into this quietly. Most, if not all methods of detection recommended on this site are to be done without the questionable spouse knowing. Reasons for not confronting too early are listed far and wide on this site. If CWI had a list of commandments then "Don't confront without evidence" would be one of them.

Yet that's exactly what you are telling her to do by having her steal his electronics outright at the first possible moment regardless of detection by her spouse..... As if he won't see that as a pointed accusation.....

I would suggest that it is entirely possible for the OP to both look at the current state of the marriage as well as begin the process of verification at exactly the same time.

The entire notion that your suggestions should be performed first while ignoring mine will be counter productive to her goal of reconciliation and in fact is quite childish.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

whistle21 said:


> Thanks all. I will definitely think about applying for citizenship now. Not sure where we will find the money knowing Christmas is coming. I'm not going to rush the divorce he's got to realize he's had 12-18 months to think on this and I've had 2 weeks!! I need to get my head round it and decide what is best for my kids. To go to England or to stay here and I be miserable. It's going to break their hearts and I don't want my girls to resent me for moving them so far from their father no matter what he's done. It's a hard choice.


Give him the divorce he wants... Tell him you will be taking the kids and go back to England. 

There's another woman, if what you say is true it's fairly obvious. Stop asking him about it, it'll make him hide his tracks more.

You seem very computer illiterate. While he's at work, your best bet is to hire someone to come over and hack the devices and mine them for data. It'll be expensive but worth every penny.

Or, if you have any friends with a computer geek relative they could probably do it for you on the cheap. Recovering deleted texts or getting through a windows password isn't too challenging if your decent with a computer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubicon said:


> The entire notion that your suggestions should be performed first while ignoring mine will be counter productive to her goal of reconciliation and in fact is quite childish.


Absolutely incorrect. IF he is cheating, the other woman must be dealt with before she can say 'baby, I love you, tell me what I can do to make you happy' because he will just lap that up if he's getting some on the side and it will do nothing to make him want his wife over his mistress.

You're just hell-bent on making sure a guy doesn't get accused of cheating.

Of course, if she's being a witch to him, of course stop doing so no matter what is going on. I would tell anyone that. But I don't see that happening. Do you?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

STEP 1 is determine IF he's cheating.

Then you can decide how to proceed...

There is MORE than enough red flags to conduct an investigation.

If I determined my spouse wasn't cheating and wanted a divorce I would try to reconcile.

If found out she was, I'd drive to the courthouse myself. 

So it matters, depending on the outcome of step 1.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

I do agree, that if there is someone else, that does need to be dealt with.

I did not suggest she do anything other than think. I did not tell her she should go to her husband and say anything.

She came to a marriage forum because she has been presented with divorce from her husband. She doesn't want this. I, like you, only want to try to help her. If you are correct and her husband is cheating we may or may not be able to do that.

If the actions taken to determine if he is cheating cause irreparable harm to the marriage even though it is determined he is not, and were suggested to her here, then have we really helped at all?

This group is very good at sniffing out cheaters and that could be very valuable to her, however, it is fair to say that some methods are more covert than others and, at this point, with only the fact he has a password on his company phone, she would be better served with perhaps a less aggressive approach in the beginning.

I have no vested interest in him not being accused a cheater. She does. Accuse him and be wrong and she will be in a worse position than she is now.

I don't want her to not look. I just want her to be covert. I don't think she has indicated she has done anything to be a witch to him.

I think stealing his electronics and being indignant about it is being a witch to him though and that's what I'm speaking up about.

If she finds further proof all bets are off and yes, a guy leaving his wife and wanting a divorce coupled with passwords where once there were none certainly does not look good on his part.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Wow. So am I the only one who thinks none of this matters? He wants a divorce, give it to him. If he files, he will be granted the divorce. You can't make him not want the divorce.

The fact if he is cheating or not is irrelevant. She cannot force him to be with her.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> Wow. So am I the only one who thinks none of this matters? He wants a divorce, give it to him. If he files, he will be granted the divorce. You can't make him not want the divorce.
> 
> The fact if he is cheating or not is irrelevant. She cannot force him to be with her.


Look I somewhat agree with you here but here's the rub....

You just can't believe how stupid a man can be and act under the influence of new fresh pvssy. I know this first hand.

If she really wants to save her marriage and family , she needs to change the game on her stupid POS H.

Believe me when the truth comes out (if he is in an A)It will change the game.

It's a validation thing to make him feel better.
When it occurs to him that some day his children will be calling another man Daddy that sh!t will get real fast.

Exposure will actually save this dumb a$$ from himself.

It may be best she D's his sorry a$$ but to save it she needs to know period.

55


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

whistle21 said:


> He never married her but they split up because she cheated on him.


Really? Did she cheat on him or did he cheat on her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

where_are_we said:


> Wow. So am I the only one who thinks none of this matters? He wants a divorce, give it to him. If he files, he will be granted the divorce. You can't make him not want the divorce.
> 
> The fact if he is cheating or not is irrelevant. She cannot force him to be with her.


i think you have missed the whole point of people in affairs, the affair fog is like a drug, they will throw in everything to get the next fix, wake up a year later and lost everything, it is the same with porn, alcohol, drugs. The OP needs to know what she is dealing with first of all, they have kids to consider and she is not even from the US, there are a lot of considerations.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Really? Did she cheat on him or did he cheat on her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


T

Good point. It's what he said. I can't remember if his parents confirmed that. I definitely don't want to accuse him of cheating unless I have 100% proof it would just make the whole situation worse. At present I feel like it's going way too fast and I need time to get my head wrapped around the thought of us divorcing. There's no way I'm willing to sell the house so fast. We need to talk to a mediator and figure it all out with sensible minds. If I apply for citizenship now it means I have to stay here until it's completed so he can wait. His parents go to Florida for 6 months straight after Christmas so maybe he can sleep there for a while.

He's going to have to be patient! I'm going to try and figure out a way to see if he's cheating or not but in a subtle way. 

Thanks all


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

aine said:


> i think you have missed the whole point of people in affairs, the affair fog is like a drug, they will throw in everything to get the next fix, wake up a year later and lost everything, it is the same with porn, alcohol, drugs. The OP needs to know what she is dealing with first of all, they have kids to consider and she is not even from the US, there are a lot of considerations.


No, I am probably the last person who missed the point. I understand all too well about affairs and addictions and what they make people do. 

If she wants to be an enabler, the fixer, the mother...then yes she is getting great advice here. 

I don't understand why anyone would want to force someone to stay with them. But each to their own.


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## Riptide (Nov 2, 2015)

*Re: Husband wants divorce! I'm lost!*

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't understand how he would be willing to let you go back to England with your children when it means he would hardly ever get to see them. His sudden change and willingness to throw caution out the wind sure points to an affair. I hope that is not the case as I can see how that would add even further distress and heartache for you. Either way, you do not deserve this and I hope he realizes what a mistake he is about to make. If it is an extramarital affair or you strongly suspect that is the case, I would start a thread over in the coping with infidelity forum. You will get some valuable insight and support over there, especially if you want to expose him for the cheater that he is (or could be)


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

*Re: Husband wants divorce! I'm lost!*

Sorry about your relationship.

I can offer you only pragmatic help:

I absolutely understand your situation, I am in a similar boat but without the kids.

Apply for citizenship ASAP. You have been here long enough I'd assume since your older daughter is nine already. The UK recognizes dual citizenship as far as I know. You can apply under the 5-year rule even without your husbands signature and proof of continuous marriage.

As a green card holder, you cannot leave the US for more than 6 months without likely losing your green card. You will need an advanced parole and go through a lot of hassle in any case if you want to leave for longer and retain your residency.  You will also have to prove that you have ties to the US (house, work, school). If you move to the UK and your kids go to school there it will be quite obvious that you have given up your US permanent residency.

Do not leave the US without your citizenship first. It might come useful at some point and you might be able to get some social security from your husband, especially if he is the breadwinner.

You have also spent here a large portion of your life so it might be useful to come and go as you see fit without being interviewed by an immigration officer.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> Wow. So am I the only one who thinks none of this matters? He wants a divorce, give it to him. If he files, he will be granted the divorce. You can't make him not want the divorce.
> 
> The fact if he is cheating or not is irrelevant. She cannot force him to be with her.


I agree with you. Give him the divorce either way. If he's cheating, serving him divorce papers is the fastest way to wake him up or freeing yourself if you want out.

If he's not cheating, he's obviously at his breaking point and a walk away spouse. Being all needy and desperate will just make him lose respect for her. A civil but strong approach to the divorce may make him reconsider.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

aine said:


> I think you have missed the whole point of people in affairs, the affair fog is like a drug, they will throw in everything to get the next fix, wake up a year later and lost everything, it is the same with porn, alcohol, drugs.


You want to know the best way to handle a junky? THROW THEM OUT on the street and let them hit rock bottom. A cheating LOSER is no different like you said.



aine said:


> The OP needs to know what she is dealing with first of all, they have kids to consider and she is not even from the US, there are a lot of considerations.


Staying for the kids is a horrible reason to stay in a bad relationship. You're not doing them any favors except setting the example for how to treat people badly and hurt them. She has a support system in England and will get custody. She should take them there, her husband abandoned her so she must do what she needs to survive.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm English living in the USA too. Is your H American or English? I'm so sorry. I was completely blindsided by my H. It urned-out he was having an A. Once I knew for certain it burst the bubble. Once he realized everything he was going to loose everything changed...he wasn't asking for D though, just being mean & distant. He wanted the secret of the A & really hadn't thought through the fantasy & what it would look like 'in real life'. My H blamed my health & surgery. I'm home from having MORE surgery yesterday...I'm terrified!

I wanted to say 'Im sorry' & I understand the added nightmare of potentially living on 2 different continents. It had never crossed my mind that we wouldn't be a FAMILY forever. I suddenly felt so vulnerable & isolated when I realized he could just walk out & leave us destitute at time he liked. I think I'm still in shock. We've been together all our adult lives. The thought of getting on a plane & rarely seeing him again is agonizing.

I fell apart. I begged & cried. I feel truly pathetic. Now that we are reconciling I HATE the way I handled (or didn't handle) things. He denied there was an OW & I believed him. I blamed & hated myself for everything. I've lost all self-respect. My H says he thinks I'm strong for fighting for us...I fear he will have contempt for me as I do myself. Fight for what you want but be strong. 

We are both from England & will both be returning next year. I can't stay here now that I know what could happen. If he did this again when the kids were older with their own lives I could be in the nightmare situation of having to return home without them...I couldn't support myself & them here...I CAN'T ever be in that situation. It would kill me!


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

My MIL and I had a really good chat and cry about what is happening. She told me that my dh 8 months ago told his dad he was unhappy and his dad recommended marriage counseling.i guess he was stubborn and refused to do it or even then talk to me about it. It took him 8 months to then tell me. His parents finally know what is going on which I'm relieved about. They are shocked beyond belief. 

My in laws spend 7 months in Florida over the winter so they will be gone after Christmas which I hate the thought of as they are my rock. My dh is then going to stay at their place until May when they come back. He wants to sell the house in the spring but that's not goin to happen. I'm about to apply for citizenship just got to print a few more things and get photos then the process will start. It should take 6 months which means staying here. 

I'm seriously considering moving to Florida. That way it's easier to see our children, it's healthier for us, no snow!!! I also have my in laws part of the year as well as my stepdads family are all there. I'm not totally sure of course as everything is a mess. I don't want the children to know until after Christmas. Oh and cost of living is way cheaper. 

If we moved back to England I would be with my family but the cost and how I could survive financially will be hard as well as the stress of moving countries. My dh wouldn't be able to see his girls much too which I feel isn't healthy for the kids. 

Don't know why I'm putting dh as he's certainly not my darling anymore lol.

Thanks for everyone's input it is appreciated.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

Forgot to mention that even though my h won't do marriage counseling I'm going on my own just to get a neutral perspective on this for the sake of my girls.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Whistle21, how have things been going? Are you ok?


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

I'm coping day by day. We haven't talked again yet since the last time. I'm going for marriage counseling today (without him as he refuses to go). Hopefully I can get something out from it. Better than nothing and i doubt it will save our marriage but at least I'm doing something. I'm really thinking of moving to Florida as its a warmer place to liveand cheaper. Healthier as well.

He's not moving out until after Christmas as I refuse to let the girls have a horrible holiday. 

Thank you aine for your concern xx


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry but this post just wreaks of an affair and Cheaterspeak. 

Do you've the funds for a PI?

He's pretty tech savvy so maybe a VAR in his car would be cheaper but you'd have to install it.

Know any good handy men?

Can you get access to the phone bill? It'll have all his calls and messages on file? Probably the easiest and fastest way to check


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whistle21,

I'm checking in on you. How are you doing?

I did merge your threads as requested.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Lot of swamps in Florida, and not the wildlife kind. For example St Petes, go three blocks in from the waterfront nothing but slums, drugs and prositution. I live in the tampa area. What area are you thinking about?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Sorry but this post just wreaks of an affair and Cheaterspeak.
> 
> Do you've the funds for a PI?
> 
> ...



I tend to agree, a man doesn't make those kind of moves unless he has someone else lined up. Whistle have you done any investigating?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tough situation because his motivations are so unclear.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Tough situation because his motivations are so unclear.


IDK LW his motivations seem pretty clear to me

55


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The myth of the walk away husband, WAH ? All men have mid life crisis - they just sink into quiet despite and fade away.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to slow down and work through this at your own pace. 

I would bet anything he is seeing someone. That much is obvious.

See a lawyer gain some valuable advice and apply for citizenship. Really put the screws on him fiancially.

The fact that you were mostly a stay at home should work greatly in your favour


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

Her husband may or may not be cheating.

Whatever is going on, he is clearly just done.

At this point what does it matter? 

If he is not cheating the advice in this thread will guarantee that this woman will basically destroy whatever is left of a relationship that will persist for as long as their children draw breath.

If he is cheating it does not change the result whatsoever.

People in this thread are more concerned with catching and punishing a potential cheater than giving advice on how OP can get through this with some modicum of a respectful relationship with the father of her children.

This place sometimes…


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

whistle21 said:


> I'm coping day by day. We haven't talked again yet since the last time. I'm going for marriage counseling today (without him as he refuses to go). Hopefully I can get something out from it. Better than nothing and i doubt it will save our marriage but at least I'm doing something. I'm really thinking of moving to Florida as its a warmer place to liveand cheaper. Healthier as well.
> 
> He's not moving out until after Christmas as I refuse to let the girls have a horrible holiday.
> 
> Thank you aine for your concern xx


I think you're doing everything right. Marriage counseling is an excellent idea. I'm still hoping that (if it's want you want) he will come to his senses. Maybe living alone will make him realize that he really misses his family.

As many have said, it is crucial to verify whether or not there is someone else involved.

Someone I know was recently in a similar situation. Her H moved out of the house. There was another woman involved but it is unclear how far they went. To make a long story short: the separation didn't last long. He dumped the OW quite quickly and begged his wife to take him back. From what I've heard, they are working things out although she is suffering a great deal. They have 4 children together and I think he really missed his wife and family....

So one never knows how things can go.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

StilltheStudent said:


> Her husband may or may not be cheating.
> 
> Whatever is going on, he is clearly just done.
> 
> ...


StS Op originally posted she wants to save her marriage I order to try that she needs to know what she is dealing with.

Some of that advise is steered in that direction.When she knows then she will know how to act one way or the other D or R

55


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

The path for 21 is clear.

A. Have a great Christmas as a family.
B. Break the news to the kids as a team. 
C. Get Doofus to move out of the house.
D. Go dark on doofus regarding all personal matters except the kids.
E. Obtain citizenship.
F. Obtain attorney and make sure 21's interests and the kids are protected. Do not rely on Doofus or his attorney.
G. Sell the house. Move to Florida. Be happy. Enjoy the sunshine.
H. Never talk to Doofus again except about the kids.
I. Love your in laws, let them be a positive influence on your kids.
J. Remind your inlaws annually what a disappointment their son turned out to be until you no longer think about him anymore.
K. Go meet a real man that loves, your kids and values marriage.

Now get started 21.

HM


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> The path for 21 is clear.
> 
> A. Have a great Christmas as a family.
> B. Break the news to the kids as a team.
> ...


OMG I just typed a long note and it's gone!! ......... Thanks that sounds like a good plan!!

Here is an update: 

We had another chat last night and it didn't go well. He is leaving after Christmas (after telling the girls) and going to stay at his parents condo until May when they get back from Florida. Then he says that I'm on my own. He's going to start child support payments then ($2000 he thinks) and I will have to pay everything ie., car payment, insurance, heat, water, food etc. He says we should sell the house by then and move on. Little thought to his children who are going to be devastated that their daddy isn't living here any more. I wanted to do a slow transition for them but he's stopping that and making it more devastating for them as we will have to live in a crappy apartment rental with no money. He says I will have to get a proper 9 to 5 job and pay daycare fees (most of my money will then have to go to that so what's the point of that). 

My thoughts would be 
1., tell them daddy is leaving end December
2., my mum is paying for us to go to England in June so all he would need to do is find a place to live for a month and then he could live back at our house till we get back in August.
3., We return back in August hopefully I will have more of an idea where I want to be (Florida, UK or MA) sell the house and find another (if Florida then rent in MA till maybe Christmas to get situated).
4., Buy House (or rent in Florida at first to find the right place)

Still have to figure out how this is going to be afforded. I think he has his head up his ass. 

My in laws who are very supportive say I should get a lawyer NOW. My sister who has been through the same thing recently says it's going to cost thousands and that I should go to a mediator and sort our assets out.

Forgot to mention that as I have applied for citizenship I have to live in this house until its finalized!! He doesn't care he's still stopping payments only child support! His true colors are coming through

Would love your thoughts please negative/positive!!
Thanks for reading


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would see a lawyer immediately. Your husband does not get to pick the settlement, that is based on laws of the state somoene files for divorce in.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

*UPDATE on p6 Re: Husband wants a divorce! So lost*

:frown2:


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I agree with your mother - go talk to an attorney ASAP!! He isn't expecting you to fight back - he expects you will just happily take whatever he offers. The Judge will decide what you get and what he pays - NOT HIM!! There are laws that determine child support payments, an equitable division of assets and alimony, etc. Get a good attorney to look out for yours and your daughters' best interests (get referrals for the best attorneys in your area - talk to more than one). Good Luck to You!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER.

There IS no other choice for you. Please trust me when I say he will stop giving you any money after he's been gone for a month or two, if you don't go to a lawyer NOW and get it all in writing. 

Please please don't trust him to do the right thing. He won't.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If he moves out of your home without a separation agreement in place, it may work for your benefit as the judge could consider your husband's leaving the marital home as abandonment; however, you really need to get to an attorney ASAP to discuss this with him and/or her. Have you put any money in a separate bank account - cancelled joint credit cards, etc? You should discuss that with an attorney as well.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Hicks said:


> I would see a lawyer immediately. Your husband does not get to pick the settlement, that is based on laws of the state somoene files for divorce in.


:iagree:

He doesn't get to decide what the settlement is. I believe that most states have a fixed formula for the Child Support payments and you should be able to download the spreadsheet to work it out.

The US is somewhat more fairly balanced when it comes to custody than the UK but the US court will primarily represent the children's best interests. If that means that his support payments must be enough to keep them in a similar manner to that they are used to then it will be ordered. Similarly the court may accept that, in the fathers absence, the children would be better off in Florida with their grandparents there as support as well then could also be ordered.

A lawyer should be able to get you setup with an interim support order. He can't just leave his obligations behind by drawing out the divorce over a long while.

I wouldn't take the advice about constantly reminding the in-laws what a failure their son has been. They already know that and don't need to be reminded. They are your current support system and alienating them isn't going to help you or your daughters one iota.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Take everyone's advice and speak to a lawyer. It will be money well spent because it safeguards your future as well and more importantly the kids. Your divorce does not have to be expensive. 

Also, you don't need to be at the same address but you cant leave the country. Call the the hotline and find out. 

But please speak to a lawyer. Know what your rights are. You husband does not get to just walk away with minimal support.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

Thanks everybody. I've got a recommendation for a good lawyer (funnily enough my husbands brothers lawyer when he split from his first wife). He got joint custody which the lawyer really pulled through for him. Calling her tomorrow.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With extremely rare exception, no one asks for the dissolution of a marriage unless they are actively cheating on their spouse, or are busy being cheated on! 

Ruling out the latter, I'm of the firm opinion that he's already messing around on you, as he is so entrenched in an illicit relationship that you have no knowledge of!

Time to engage "the 180" and to start investigating his sudden change of attitude toward you by hiring a PI, or least doing some investigative actions of your very own! Then hire yourself a piranha of a divorce attorney!

Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here but you have come to the best marriage forum available! God bless you, my dear!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Way late to the story, but I needed to add my $.02.
Why does it matter if the OP finds out he's cheating...
Maybe for her it doesn't matter. 
But I would have given anything to know that my husband had been cheating on me before we split. 1) it would have explained so much, and 2) I would not have been nearly as nice as I was in the divorce and that might have served me better in the long run. 

I found out he had cheated on me 6 months after we divorced. And it wasn't until then that I could really start the process of grieving the divorce. It takes a long time to process through a divorce and any head start is a good thing.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *No one asks for the dissolution of a marriage unless they are actively cheating on their spouse, or are being cheated on! *


*

That sweeping generalization would probably be pretty difficult to back up.*


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear that your family is breaking up. Once you've got the lawyer lined up, I'd suggest trying to find out who the OW is and making your H come clean about it. I'd put up a fuss. It's just too easy. He has the right to leave, but not in this shady way. Totally unacceptable. Let him admit that he's leaving for another woman. There's no reason this shouldn't be out in the open.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Again, I think it is important to point out that this woman wanted to save her marriage. That was her goal. It simply has failed miserably.

There has not been a shred of proof of cheating presented here at all. NOTHING.

Yet, not a useful bit of information on how she may salvage her marriage was permitted to be discussed without the hoard shouting it all down..... Nope, HAS to be cheating.......

The failure of TAM was incorrectly shuffling this poor woman into the CWI forums and not letting her get advice on ANYTHING else.

Maybe, just Maybe, had she addressed her marriage instead of focusing 100% that there must be an affair in the works, she might have been able to address whatever the REAL issues are. Maybe even fixed them.....

NOPE, That's not permitted here. EVERYTHING is because of an AFFAIR. Regardless if there is one or not...... 

Where is the affair again?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

whistle21 said:


> We had another chat last night and it didn't go well. He is leaving after Christmas (after telling the girls) and going to stay at his parents condo until May when they get back from Florida. Then he says that I'm on my own. He's going to start child support payments then ($2000 he thinks) and I will have to pay everything ie., car payment, insurance, heat, water, food etc. He says we should sell the house by then and move on. Little thought to his children who are going to be devastated that their daddy isn't living here any more. I wanted to do a slow transition for them but he's stopping that and making it more devastating for them as we will have to live in a crappy apartment rental with no money. He says I will have to get a proper 9 to 5 job and pay daycare fees (most of my money will then have to go to that so what's the point of that).


 What he just said is bull. He does not get to make the rules, the law does that. And the law says that in addition to child support (which could be higher than what he stated), you are entitled to alimony and 1/2 of the assets. Get an attorney that you can trust so as to lock down the assets ASAP. do not use anyone that is in any way related to or knows your husband or any of your husbands family. Your husband is clearly being heartless toward you and your children in this divorce, so you need an attorney that will be heartless toward him without concern for their own social issues.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Rubicon said:


> Again, I think it is important to point out that this woman wanted to save her marriage. That was her goal. It simply has failed miserably.
> 
> There has not been a shred of proof of cheating presented here at all. NOTHING.
> 
> ...


Rubicon,

Affair or not there is no way for Whistle to work on the marriage or issues in the marriage if her husband is walking out the door.

He is effectively telling Whistle that he is abandoning her, the kids and will be giving her the minimum support.

She needs a good lawyer. Period.

That is where Whistle needs to start. And most of the posters have said that.

No matter what forum she is in the common advice is to lawyer up.

HM


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow so will definitely get more of an idea what I have to do and what rights I have. Thanks


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

whistle21 said:


> I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow so will definitely get more of an idea what I have to do and what rights I have. Thanks


You've said before that you are still close with your in-laws and that they are very supportive towards you which is great news for you and your girls.

While you certainly don't want to do anything that might alienate them just keep in mind that no matter how angry or upset they are with him he is still their son. I would keep the divorce details pretty close to your chest and not overshare information with them.

They'll stay on your side as long as they see you acting in the best interests of your daughters and not out of malice against their son, no matter how much he deserves it.


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

I totally agree with you. Thanks


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Unlike Women, Men typically start making extreme claims to get attention on a topic. If they feel there are problems in the relationship, they will make claims like "I can't take this, this relationship is ending" and essentially, this indicates they are ready to talk/fight/figure it out.

Women, not so much.... If she tells you it's done, She has most likely thought it through already.... She's just letting you know on the way out the door.

While this is not written in stone, it simply is fact most of the time.

The Husband has been talking to family members for a while stating his unhappiness. He is making "I want out" noises. He's come to you and laid it at your feet......

So, the OP can either try to address his concerns (so far this has been 100% without question, IGNORED) Or she can take the adversarial approach of "I am not changing a thing, you shut up and keep providing and if you keep making noise, I'll do all I can to label you a cheat to our friends and family..."

Seems the advice here is to do the latter and you wonder why he's walking out the door?

She said she wanted to keep her marriage. You people are coaching her into divorce: "Laywer up!, Accuse, Defiantly steal his electronics... etc....

Never did consider if perhaps he was doing all the work while she and the kids got all the benefits... Never did consider if he had ANY access to his income so he could also get some enjoyment out of life. Nope, marry this woman and its a lifetime of indentured servitude... NO EXCEPTIONS

Seriously, I asked a number of very meaningful questions earlier in the thread and they were ignored in favor of the pity party. I guess you can't very well play the victim card if it becomes clear that this is just a guy very tired of putting up with your crap and simply wants out.

Nope, Drag it into CWI even though there is not a shred of proof of that and proceed as if he is the biggest ba$tard imaginable. The CWI locals will go all in with you. They simply know nothing else I guess.

Whistle.... you are running out of time. Do you want to remain married or not?


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## sharplle (May 1, 2012)

*Re: Husband wants divorce! I'm lost!*



whistle21 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am British living with my dh in USA. We have been married for the last 11 years with 9 and 6 year old daughters. Every year my daughters and I go to England to see family over the summer and when we got back I noticed that my dh was unaffectionate etc., to me. I then had to have surgery and recovering from that so couldn't deal with what was happening in our marriage. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago my dh out of the blue says he wants a divorce. He is hoping that we would sell the house and then buy 2 different properties. First of all, I have no idea how this is going to be possible financially! We are barely making ends meet as it is. Second, I have nobody here so if we did split I'd be on my own here. I hate the winters here (NE USA) and feel so alone.
> 
> ...


Hi, I'm British too lived in NW Ohio for 16yrs and I am going through a similar thing right now, can't believe I seen this post. Contact me if you would like as I need someone too.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Whistle,

I am sure you are crazed getting ready for the holidays but I was wondering how your meeting with the lawyer went?

HM


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> whistle21,
> 
> I'm checking in on you. How are you doing?
> 
> I did merge your threads as requested.


My post for some reason didn't show up. So here ....doing ok. Not sleeping very well of course. We have to have another chat about the fact of myself wanting to move back to England and whether he's definitely not going to fight it after saying he wouldn't a few weeks ago. Girls are being informed next week and in a way looking forward to him moving out. So much of an awkward atmosphere when he's around.

Thank you for asking xx


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> Hey Whistle,
> 
> I am sure you are crazed getting ready for the holidays but I was wondering how your meeting with the lawyer went?
> 
> HM


Meeting went ok. Shocked to hear I'm not getting as much child support as I thought. She basically said (after I told her my husband is not going to fight me to go back to England) that wherever I am if I'm happy the girls will be happy. I really want to go home to be with my family, my mum is sick too which I feel I need to be there but it's such a hard decision to make. 

Girls are being told next week. There is such an atmosphere here I just want him out. I feel there is no saving this marriage now. How he has done it this way has shocked even his family. 

Thanks all


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## whistle21 (Nov 11, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Lot of swamps in Florida, and not the wildlife kind. For example St Petes, go three blocks in from the waterfront nothing but slums, drugs and prositution. I live in the tampa area. What area are you thinking about?


I was thinking Sarasota due to a great school system there. I'm also thinking of moving back to England too so that I'm with my family. I think first choice is England, second Florida and lastly here


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