# Husband won't work!!



## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

I need some advice. I have been married for almost 5 years. I have a masters degree and work at a university. My husband was a teacher in his country. We decided to live in the USA because I would be unable to work in his country due to several issues. When my husband came here we realized he would have to start at ground zero. Employers would not consider his past work experience and the only positions he could get where manual labor. We decided it would be best for him to go to school and not work. Things where tough but we made it work. 

My husband and I have had some medical issues and that has caused the bills to rack up. I am no longer able to become the sole bread winner. He agreed and decided to take the semester off to look for work. That was four months ago and he still is unemployed. He doesn't want to take manual labor jobs in part because of medical reasons and in part because I suspect he wants to hold out for a IT job. He has not graduated and doesn't even have his associates yet. I know that the chances of him getting employment in the field he wants are slim. Meanwhile he is not working or even trying to find a job. We are having extreme financial difficulties and are not eligible for any financial assistance. 

When I confront my husband on these issues he either says he will work and nothing comes of it or that we will separate so that I can be financially secure. I love my husband, but we are at the point where my respect for him and desire to be with him is going away. I know some people will say I should cut him off or kick him out. I have been reluctant to take this path because he has no family or friends in this area. So kicking him out would literally mean he is on the street which I do not want to see. I am at witts end and everything I try does not work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So he threatens you with leaving, to get you to back off.
Yes, that's what he's doing, no matter what you want to think his real motives are.

If I were you, I would stop giving him any money. Pay the utilities and rent and food and nothing else. He gets no gas money. He gets no eating out money. He gets nothing. You put all the rest you earn toward paying down your bills.

He will only step up when you no longer enable him.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Have you been supporting him for the 5 years of your marriage?If
you have he probably has become used to not working.He should
be willing to work almost any job.He sounds like certain jobs are 
beneath him in a time when lots of people would be happy to just
be hired for one.He seems to know what to say to get his way.


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

Turnera I have considered doing that. However, I want to think of way to motivate him. I am afraid if I don't pay the bills, that we will rack up late fees and over limit fees and given our current financial situation and his work prospects I feel this would be really bad for finances. 

He is not going out, driving around, or eating out so it's not like I can punish him by taking away his fun money. nevergveup, I have been supporting my husband on and off. He worked for about a year and half at walmart, but his grades began to slip. So we agreed that I would earn the money and he would get an associates degree. For a while we were ok, but now things are getting difficult. He took the semester off to get a job, but nothing has come of it. He is being completely lazy now and admits it. I just don't know how to snap him out of it. IF it wasn't for the fact that he had no where to go and no money, I would have kicked him out or left a while ago if only to teach him a lesson. 

Anyone else been through a similar circumstance?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Country Apple said:


> Turnera I have considered doing that. However, I want to think of way to motivate him. I am afraid if I don't pay the bills, that we will rack up late fees and over limit fees and given our current financial situation and his work prospects I feel this would be really bad for finances.


Excuses.

Control your finances and stop supporting him. Let him man up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And do you know what the greatest motivator in the world is? 

HAVING NO MONEY.


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

My finances are in control, but you can't budget for health issues. We already have no money, but for the necessities. No vacations, no cable, no cell phones, no eating out, and no driving to work for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

More excuses.

Look. He already DOES NOTHING TO HELP YOU FINANCIUALLY.

So what difference does it make if you continue to pay the bills yourself and LEAVE HIM OUTSIDE LOOKING IN?

Take care of your finances and if he wants anything, he can go get a frickin' job and pay for it.

If he sits on YOUR couch and eats YOUR food long enough, hopefully you will grow a spine and tell him that you expect him to act like a man and support his wife.

And get therapy to learn to stand up for yourself.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Can he do basic office work? Have him sign up at temp agencies.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sometimes you suck it up and do jobs you don't want. I was never too good for a job if it put food on the table.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD22's former best friend L (long story) got married today. I drove DD22 1 1/2 hours to pick up another friend, A, to bring her back, to then drive another hour to the wedding. A was living in this out-of-the-way town with her boyfriend, who has no job. On the way out of her town, I was pointing out this place or that place, and she would comment, oh I applied there and the men grope at the women, yada yada. I bluntly said "I wasn't talking about you, A, I was talking about your BOYFRIEND who isn't looking for a job. Look, there's McDonalds, Burger King, all KINDS of jobs - if he would just apply."

She had no answer.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The next time he says you all can separate, take him up on the offer, period. He will then either sink or swim. People don't learn if they always have someone to do things for them or bail them out etc.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I have been through this. My STBX quit a $50,000/year job, against my wishes or advice. He swore he would find a job with less stress. The bills mounted, he swore he was looing. I gave ultimatums, pled, threatened, suggested, even searched for jobs for him. All the while he swore he was applying and just couldn't get his foot in the door becuase of the "economy." Finally, two year later, he admitted he hadn't actually applied for anything. Two weeks later I discovered multiple EA/Pa.
Looking back I should have given him a strict deadline, get a job at anything or get out, and been less trusting. But we were married with kids and it never occurred to me that my husband would lie. I didn't know or realize he had become another kid. He's still not working, and now says its my fault for not supporting him.
Good luck to you, and I hope your situations ends differently.


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## humdrumbum (Mar 2, 2013)

Life will a parasite will not result in a happy life. I think you know that, and already know what you need to do. It's just a matter of courage.

Good luck.


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## abhishek (Mar 9, 2013)

Your husband has taken things for granted and is literally doing nothing like a sack. I strongly recommend that you pull him up and shake his self respect otherwise he will just live on your money. I don't recommend leaving him, but yes you need to take a stand and give him some kind of warning.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Unfortunately with our laws in this country all you can do is divorce him. You can't make him get out, you can't change the locks, you can't really do anything. You have no power at all. What you can do is this:

Tell him, "Husband (insert name), I am not okay with you not doing your share and helping support our household. I am giving you until (insert some reasonable future date) to get a job or I am going to reconsider staying in this relationship." 

Let him know that you are willing to separate (don't mention divorce) if he does not get his act together. If he wants to know how you will do it, you let him know that you will be moving to your own apartment without him and he can stay there and figure out how he is going to pay the bills without you. Pretty simple really.

What you are doing is not working. Time to try something different.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nevergveup said:


> Have you been supporting him for the 5 years of your marriage?If
> you have he probably has become used to not working.He should
> be willing to work almost any job.He sounds like certain jobs are
> beneath him in a time when lots of people would be happy to just
> be hired for one.He seems to know what to say to get his way.


You DO realise that as soon as he picks up a shovel he can kiss goodbye to working in his chosen field?

And then comes the fun of: "Really? You are working in a University and you are married to a man who _digs holes for minimum wage_? Oh, my dear! Surely you could do so much better for yourself?"

This is not as easy as you might think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are always ways to get ahead. If you get off your ass and seek them. He could be volunteering at a place in his field. He could be networking. He could be doing the Good Will Hunting routine. He could be doing lots of things. But he's not.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I have lived (and am still living) your situation. Mine began almost identically to yours. My wife was the main breadwinner in our household for years while I figured out my life. Eventually I went back to school to train for a new field. While I was in school my wife lost her job - and in many ways, she also lost her mind and her will to live.

I didn't handle things well. I coddled and enabled her. I felt sorry for her. She took care of so much for us while she was working, I figured turnabout was fair play. After I graduated and found a job in my new field, I told her I would take care of everything. What a mistake that turned out to be. 

My wife has many problems that are in the way of her working, but in the end she has chosen not to take care of them and I have allowed her to do that. As a result we live hand to mouth. We are one missed paycheck away from financial ruin. I work two jobs and it is still not enough. My income is good and there is no reason for us to be in this situation.

And our relationship has suffered greatly. As somebody here said in another thread (I think), a bored wife is a recipe for disaster. I expected appreciation for all of my hard work keeping a roof over our head and food in our bellies. Instead I got (mostly) resentment and bitterness from her. Talk about a slap in the face! And of course this has led to bitterness and resentment on my end towards her. It is a vicious cycle which leads nowhere but bad places.

We are still together and things have gotten somewhat better, but I do need to have a very serious conversation with my wife similar to (perhaps) the talk you will have with your husband. We talk about things more openly than we used to, which is a good sign, but big changes need to happen because I have decided I can no longer live this way.

Keep us posted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nix, you need to educate yourself about boundaries and consequences, for anything to change.


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> You DO realise that as soon as he picks up a shovel he can kiss goodbye to working in his chosen field?
> 
> And then comes the fun of: "Really? You are working in a University and you are married to a man who _digs holes for minimum wage_? Oh, my dear! Surely you could do so much better for yourself?"
> 
> This is not as easy as you might think.


Thank you MattMatt for understanding the complexity of the situation. My husband had a great job in his country and now has to work for minimum wage. I can't imagine that it is easy..

Since I posted my husband has been working as an extra in movies and tv shows. The pay is not great, but he enjoys it and it is income. He has also created a game server that brings in a small income. He has signed up for classes at the local community college and should be finished with his associates in 1 year. Hopefully, he will find a job.


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