# Intimacy left the building....



## HK56 (Nov 24, 2014)

I need to open up and write my story as I am slowly being eaten alive inside. This is how I can best describe my feelings. :crying:

I have been married for 8 years to my depressive passive-agressive narcissistic husband (doctor diagnosed him but he refuses to accept it) who withholds sex from me as punishment. I was a US size 4 very pretty woman when we met, dressed beautifully, make up, nails, etc, took care of myself, enjoyed my life, was happy with what was given to me so me looking a certain way has nothing to do with the lack of sex from him. I am also very adventurous in the bedroom and like to try a lot of things, I am super open-minded.

He on the other hand is an introvert so he likes his own company best, though this was not the case when we met but the issues with intimacy led him to completely withdraw from me though he constantly chats to people on social media and travels to gatherings abroad, etc. 

I have been unable to work since I retrained a year ago, this is due to the stresses of the marriage (I have become extremely anxious as I don't have a sexual outlet) and the constant travelling as he is obsessed with it. It's like he is running away from things. We are doing good financially, so that's all fine. Except I would really like to work, I would really like to flourish and contribute and have no anxiety in my life, I would really like to enjoy intimacy in my marriage as I'm still under 40. If I don't travel with him he says I am unsupportive, if I do travel with him and choose certain activities he doesn't want to do he says why go with him?! One can't win.

We have been to lots of different counsellors, therapists, he doesn't believe in them as apparently they all tell him things he doesn't want to hear. I took myself for counselling for a year, it helped me a lot but doesn't solve our problems. Every therapist I saw told me there is no way I can make it all better without the other party trying as well. 

So here I am, with weight gained (US size 6-8) and with a completely lost soul. I look in the mirror and don't even recognise myself and this fills me with so much sadness. So you can rightly ask why not do something about it, why whinge? Well, I wanted to save the marriage, I wanted to believe it can be great. But I have come to the conclusion that my only way forward is a full separation from this toxic relationship where I constantly walk on egg shells. 

Oh my husband has porn addiction also went on dating apps and chatted up models and the likes, told me after we got married that he used to use high class escorts and he frequently talks to his friends about women's bodies and what to do with them etc...It would all be fine if he took care of my emotional and intimate needs but he doesn't. Naturally my effing self-esteem suffered as he continuously compares me to those super skinny women who look about 18. I feel like I married a child, who can't understand the dynamics of a relationship, who can't better himself emotionally, who can't share and open up but chooses to live life independently.

I feel utterly down, not depressed, but down and looking for a way out of this sexless marriage that I had to endure for so long now. 

I know I am an attractive curvy woman as I can see men take notice and it makes me feel so good. I'd like to state that I have stayed faithful and loyal to my husband though lately the actual biological need to have sex is slowly creeping up on me and I think of being intimate with others. Of course I would not cheat or anything like that but the fact that the thought is there clearly indicates I am ready to rock someone else's boat.

I need to work on myself in terms of exercising and finding peace, oh and a job! No doubt I'll do it all as I have always worked very hard but need some input, some support. I can't talk about this with my family as they are very judgemental and women have been told to put up with everything from beatings to cheatings. 

I have to say that my husband is a 'good' man, he doesn't drink, smoke, beat me, used to make good money, he is a hard-working highly intelligent person, he also takes care of himself, he exercises and dresses well. He started doing that 4 years ago when a midlife crisis hit him and he bought a lot of new unusual things, clothing etc...I thought it must be an affair but it was 'only' dating apps, though I guess I'll never know if he actually met someone or not. I only read some messages. He did disappear on a few occasions and come home at 3 am refusing to tell me where he was.

Sorry my post is all over the place, my brain can't stop buzzing with all the emotions and upset I have inside of me. 

I hope I can be strong enough to just get on with this separation and step out of my comfort zone, get a job, take care of myself. I would so so love to be in a truly loving, deeply engaging emotionally fulfilling relationship, I so crave that. :crying:

I have allowed myself to be sucked into this world of ignorance and misery. I can't even believe it is me writing these words. I feel like shaking myself and saying what the f happened to you girl?!:frown2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you even still with this guy? Your best bet is to just leave him.

Here is a thread that might help you. It's a long thread so read at least the first couple of pages.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## HK56 (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi,

Thank you for the link to the thread, I read a lot of it, its very informative. I guess I am still with the guy as it is only now that I have formed a sense of 'what's next' and only now that I am ready. We have to live together for now but from the summer I will have somewhere to go to so by then I will not be with him.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

HK56 said:


> Oh my husband has porn addiction also went on dating apps and chatted up models and the likes, told me after we got married that he used to use high class escorts and he frequently talks to his friends about women's bodies and what to do with them etc...It would all be fine if he took care of my emotional and intimate needs but he doesn't. Naturally my effing self-esteem suffered as he continuously compares me to those super skinny women who look about 18. *I feel like I married a child*, who can't understand the dynamics of a relationship, who can't better himself emotionally, who can't share and open up but chooses to live life independently.
> 
> I feel utterly down, not depressed, but down and looking for a way out of this sexless marriage that I had to endure for so long now.
> 
> ...


Tip of the iceberg:
You *did* marry a child, that is what narcissistic personality entails. 
Your husband is very likely *physically* cheating, not chatting. 

Your solution is in your final words. You can have the life you want. Based on what you've written, I get the sense you still have the fire required to find your own joy. DO it.


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## HK56 (Nov 24, 2014)

Thanks for the input, I genuinely believe he is not cheating physically as he says he has no feelings down under, went to see a doctor about it too, he says his sexual appetite just left him. I think it's not as black or white as he puts it, very hard to know what the heck is going on without firm evidence. But, yes! I am on the way out....


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

Gah, this sounds so bad but it's pretty simple, with all the things you've said about your husband: Husband = negative. Leave husband. Don't think you can change someone, that's the mistake women make(including myself). Especially someone who won't even admit that there's a problem.


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## HK56 (Nov 24, 2014)

I was hoping he would adjust with time to the fact that this is a marriage and not a bachelor playground but no. Can't believe how much time I wasted on this, crazy...found a place to live today...baby steps...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

It's time to give him the talk, lay it all out, your needs, your concerns and ultimately what is going to happen if they are not addressed. Lay it all out on the line so there's nothing he can say down the road that you didn't try. This is more for you than him, he should know all of this anyway. Have the talk and then if it doesn't go well, have another talk, with a lawyer. 

This is also where people dealing with this type of selfish, non-caring spouses that they start to allow themselves permission to have their own 'extra' things. Don't do it, keep to the high road, you will love and respect yourself so much more. If you husband can't turn it around, there's someone out there that will be good for and to you but please wait until after this is officially done if it has to be done.

Talk to him, hold nothing back.

Wait, you moved out already, just read your last post?


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## HK56 (Nov 24, 2014)

I haven't moved out yet, just started packing up and found a place to live. I have had these talks with him so many times in the past years and they never helped. He withdrew even more after them or simply did nothing and that is because I did nothing. I was all talk, no walk. This time I am not doing the talk but I'm walking. I have learnt that actions speak louder than words. He is fully aware of what is happening, he avoids me, that is his tactic. Passive-agressive behaviour in its finest form...


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