# Newlywed thinking Divorce after 1.5 years



## Livvy05

I know a lot of people are going to judge me, but I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. I feel so embarrassed to be thinking of divorce 1.5 years into my marriage. 

I married my husband going on almost 2 years now. We were together for 16 years before that. We had our ups and downs, but then my dumbass really thought he would change and now I regret marrying him. The issue is he still lives with his parents, we took the year to save our money for a house and now he keeps delaying buying a house and looking for a job. I even pushed for an Apt. He's not working, he helps out his Dad with a family business but not a real job. I'm at home with my parents working a very stressful job with a lot of late nights and sometimes working the weekends. I feel like he does not even want to be married at this point, I'm at the edge of divorce because it doesn't even seem like we're married...we lead two separate lives. To top it off, he has anxiety disorder which is stemming from him not wanting to leave his parents. They support him 100% so that gives him no motivation to work or move in with his wife. 

We obviously have a long history and other problems, but these two issues are the main issues. I don't want to write a book, but any advice would be appreciated.


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## niceguy47460

I have to ask you if he always lived with his parents why the hell did you stay with him . and if he never worked why the hell did you stay with him he shows no motivation at all . how old are you two . and now you are married and living apart . let him stay with his parents and file for divorce fast and find someone else


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## Livvy05

For the most part, yes he's lived with his parents, but so do I. We lived together for a short time and again we he wasn't working and I was which is when I called it off 4 years ago, but then he found a job and promised me all these things then after we married everything went back the same. I'm young, 32 and he's 33. I feel like such an idiot and like I wasted my young years with this man.


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## sunsetmist

He sounds more like a boy not wanting to grow up than a man. If you want to stay with him, have a 'COME TO JESUS' meeting. He may have the same regrets you do. 

If you're gonna go, do it sooner rather than later. Since you feel like you wasted your young years and there is no mention of love, intimacy, connection, devotion, I'm thinking you want out, but are embarrassed to go there. Just do it or you'll be 37 and feeling worse.


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## niceguy47460

you did . but at your age you can still have a healthy loving relationship and kids with someone else . i bet you are very sexy to . so i would divoice and go on with your life .


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## sokillme

Livvy05 said:


> I know a lot of people are going to judge me, but I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. I feel so embarrassed to be thinking of divorce 1.5 years into my marriage.
> 
> I married my husband going on almost 2 years now. We were together for 16 years before that. We had our ups and downs, but then my dumbass really thought he would change and now I regret marrying him. The issue is he still lives with his parents, we took the year to save our money for a house and now he keeps delaying buying a house and looking for a job. I even pushed for an Apt. He's not working, he helps out his Dad with a family business but not a real job. I'm at home with my parents working a very stressful job with a lot of late nights and sometimes working the weekends. I feel like he does not even want to be married at this point, I'm at the edge of divorce because it doesn't even seem like we're married...we lead two separate lives. To top it off, he has anxiety disorder which is stemming from him not wanting to leave his parents. They support him 100% so that gives him no motivation to work or move in with his wife.
> 
> We obviously have a long history and other problems, but these two issues are the main issues. I don't want to write a book, but any advice would be appreciated.


If you have never moved in together get an annulment. You are not married really anyway. Why are you settling, don't waste your life, there is a whole world out there, and you are waiting around for this man-child.


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## MJJEAN

sokillme said:


> If you have never moved in together get an annulment.


In the US getting an Annulment is typically more time consuming and expensive than a divorce. That is, of course, if the couple even qualifies. In a nutshell, as long as both parties were legally free to marry, sane, sober, adults, there was no fraud, and they've had sex one or more times since the marriage the odds of getting an Annulment are slim to none.

After nearly 2 years, assuming they've had sex, their only legal recourse to end the marriage would very likely be divorce. Which, btw, I recommend. 32 isn't old, but it's more than a decade past the age of majority and isn't exactly a pup, either. If OP is going to move forward with her life and seek out an actual adult partner then now's a good time to do it.


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## Livvy05

Yea, I looked into an annulment and we do not meet the requirements. Luckily, I have no kids or a house with him so it should be easy. 

I just feel conflicted mostly due to the embarrassment of divorcing so soon after being married. I honestly feel like I need a re-set in life. I'm unhappy at my job that sucks every piece of energy out of me. I have no time for myself.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Livvy, I mean this with every fiber in my being. If you're smart, you'll divorce this albatross around your neck and PRAY you don't have to pay this loser alimony.

Just get down on your hands and knees and* thank* the powers that be that you were smart enough not to have kids with someone like this.

Honestly? I'd be _more_ embarrassed by what a complete loser your husband is than by being divorced so quickly. I'm willing to bet most who know you already KNOW what a loser this guy is, but they'd never say a word to you about it. All they need to know is that he still lives with his parents because he's too lazy and shiftless to get out and work for a living to support himself and instead expects mommy and daddy to support him. Plus, I'm sure they can *see* that he's such a fine example of manhood that he has no problem letting YOU work yourself to death - even working overtime - while *he* sits on his dead ass at home day after day. 

Seriously. He's a *LOSER*.

Do yourself a huge favor and take some of the money that YOU'VE earned and retain yourself a lawyer today. Hopefully, the loser won't expect you to pay for HIS lawyer on top of everything else.


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## lifeistooshort

So you're going to waste more years of your life because you're embarrassed?

That doesn't seem like a good trade off. At the end of your life will you be glad you did it?

And you're embarrassed by the thought of divorce but you're not embarrassed by the thought of staying with a bum?

If anything should embarrass you it should be how many years you've already wasted.

If you don't think you're being judged by people you know for that, you are. They'd think much more highly of you if you actually moved on with your life.


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## TJW

I'm not one who recommends divorce unless there has been adultery, physical violence, incarceration, because I believe that only these sort of misbehaviors rise to the level of divorce. If you also believe this, then there is no honorable way out for you.

That being said, I don't think your husband is going to change remarkably. If you stay, you will forever be in the role you are currently in. I do recommend that you go to an attorney and find out exactly where you are going to "land" if you divorce.

You are fortunate to be the woman in this marriage, and doubly fortunate to have no kids. Don't let that change, whatever you do. A "come to Jesus" discussion is extremely well in-order, as @sunsetmist has said. @sunsetmist has also expressed the truth, in that he is a boy who has been molded into a boy by his parents for their own selfish benefit.

It is possible that your husband may, indeed, "come to Jesus" about his own life, his own marriage, his own future. For his sake, and for yours, I hope he does.

If he doesn't, being the woman with no kids is where you want to be. The courts will not look favorably upon the man having a good means of making a living but not doing so. If it comes to litigation or mediation, make strong emphasis upon this fact, that a good living is within his capability and means. 

If this situation were in reverse, the husband would get smacked hard with long-term spousal support, alimony, etc. You won't.


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## LeGenDary_Man

@Livvy05

Some men have an aptitude for business/entrepreneurship, and will avoid a job due to this factor. 

Business men have the potential to earn a lot more than men with jobs on average if they are really good in their line of work.

Perhaps your husband's father want him to take over their family business? Do you have doubts that your husband is not up to the task? Do you have concerns that your husband will not be a provider in your marriage? - These are important considerations.

Secondly, you mentioned that you have an exceedingly stressful job. If this is the case then your work-related stress will have a trickle-down effect on your relationship regardless. Even if you have a separate home and your husband have a job, these accomplishments - while really good to have - do not guarantee successful marriage [on their own] unless you two are good to each other and make time for each other.

Following developments can mitigate your problems:-

1. Your husband should receive his cut from his family business on MONTHLY basis, and be a provider in your marriage. 

2. Your husband should consider a separate residence for your sake, and draw a plan for this move.

3. You need a new job (do not settle for excessive work-related stress for long-term; not good).

Talk to your husband and set the aforementioned 2-point TERMS for him to do, for your sake, if he wants to save his marriage. And you look for a new job on your end. Otherwise, you have advice of other members here.

I am just trying to give you some perspective before you decide to PULL THE PLUG. Up to you now.


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## Livvy05

@TJW yes, you hit the nail on the head when you said "he is a boy who has been molded into a boy by his parents for their own selfish benefit". His parents are miserable with each other and want him around to break their misery. He comes from a very traditional Mexican culture where I come from a open minded household where my parents do every together including cooking, laundry, etc.. his mom does everything for him which does not benefit me. Although he is against it, he still allows it. 

Also, I agree with you on only divorcing under those circumstances you mentioned. I do sometimes compare my relationship with others and think well he's never cheated, doesn't do drugs, or abuses me (maybe emotionally) which is what has made me stay for so long. But deep down, I'm unhappy. There are way more other issues besides him not working and living together which just make my situation even worse. He does not communicate, we have different interests, he never does anything special for me for holidays or birthdays. 

After going through this over and over again, it's clear to me he will never change. It's hard because we do have a connection, he makes me laugh, and he's so smart but those things outweigh all the negative things.


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## TJW

Livvy05 said:


> his mom does everything for him ..... Although he is against it, he still allows it.


Elephants in a circus can be frequently seen with one leg tied to a ground stake by a light-duty chain. The elephant, when he/she was a baby elephant, was tied this way, and the baby elephant could not break the chain or pull the ground stake out. It no longer matters that the adult elephant could rip that chain, stake and all, out of the ground with one somewhat energetic kick of his/her leg..... elephants never forget, and therefore, the adult elephant never tries to break the chain.

My daughter was (she is home with the Lord 2 years now) married to a guy like this. He was very immature, very "tied to his mother's apron strings". The marriage between them was severely strained because of his boyish tendencies and his dependence upon his mother. 

His mother taught him quite well, that he could not live his life without her. Even as a 40-year-old, he had very sophomoric behaviors, believing some nonsensical hearsay-opinions more akin to fairy tales than real life. Needless to say, our daughter had a very difficult uphill-climb to keep the marriage alive and keep our granddaughter being served by a complete nuclear family.

I can definitely empathize with you. You're in a very difficult position, having no "grounds" upon which to divorce your husband. Try the "come to Jesus" talk. Set some milestones you want to see accomplished, then give him reasonable time frames. @LeGenDary_Man has good things and ideas here. Make sure he understands that you will stand beside him, you will give him your opinion, and show him the ways in which he is a good husband. Show him you will be proud of him and beside him when he unties momma's apron from around him and becomes his own man. You will not be his mother, you will be his loving and respecting wife, for the rest of both of your lives.


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## Livvy05

@TJW, that's the thing I wrote him a letter in February with those goals I want to see from him. It is now April and the deadline I gave him was May to find a job and for us to get a place. He hasn't even looked. I ask him every 2 weeks, has he looked and he says no. He NEVER even responded to the issues in my letter. Instead, when I gave him my letter he decided to tell me he has a health issue that he won't go to the Doctor for. So he pushed all my concerns to the side to focus on his health issue. He was hiding this from me for a year. And guess what, his mom knew about it! 

The more I type, the more everything is becoming clear for me. 

And, I'm so sorry about your daughter. That in itself, life is too short. At least she had joy with her child.


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## Kerrbear

Livvy05 said:


> Yea, I looked into an annulment and we do not meet the requirements. Luckily, I have no kids or a house with him so it should be easy.
> 
> I just feel conflicted mostly due to the embarrassment of divorcing so soon after being married. I honestly feel like I need a re-set in life. I'm unhappy at my job that sucks every piece of energy out of me. I have no time for myself.


Do not have kids with this man and give him an ultimatum to get a real job/move out.


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## aine

Livvy05 said:


> For the most part, yes he's lived with his parents, but so do I. We lived together for a short time and again we he wasn't working and I was which is when I called it off 4 years ago, but then he found a job and promised me all these things then after we married everything went back the same. I'm young, 32 and he's 33. I feel like such an idiot and like I wasted my young years with this man.


Yes, you have wasted your life with the 'good for nothing', divorce him and move on and find a man worthy of you.


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## Hopeful Cynic

It sounds like this is who he really is. When you first distanced yourself, he held it together to impress you long enough to get you to marry him, but after he had you locked in, he reverted to his true self.

Having a deadline or an ultimatum or a 'come to Jesus' talk isn't going to fundamentally help him grow up. It will only motivate him to fake it long enough to reel you back in again. You could repeat this cycle of misery for your whole life. You've waited 18 years for him to grow up. It isn't going to happen.

You don't need him. He needs you because some day, his parents will die, and it will be your duty to take over the role as his 'mother.' I'm sure that's not the life you want to live!


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## MattMatt

Divorce. Then find a man to marry.


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## Ursula

Livvy05 said:


> Yea, I looked into an annulment and we do not meet the requirements. Luckily, I have no kids or a house with him so it should be easy.
> 
> I just feel conflicted mostly due to the embarrassment of divorcing so soon after being married. I honestly feel like I need a re-set in life. I'm unhappy at my job that sucks every piece of energy out of me. I have no time for myself.


It should be easier since you don’t have children together, yes. I totally get what you say when you talk about feeling conflicted and embarrassed because I felt the same way. I was married for almost 4 years before we separated, and I didn’t plan on divorcing at all, never mind so soon after marriage. BUT, it was the best thing I could’ve done for both of us. Neither of us were happy (although he wasn’t going to admit that). 

And the reason that you’re so unhappy with your job and have no time for yourself is because you’re working yourself to the bone to save for both of you guys. That’s not fair, and you really need to stop doing that. Downtime isn’t just nice; it’s essential to a person’s well-being.


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## MJJEAN

Hon, you need to just file the papers. This isn't a marriage other than on record. In reality, it's barely even an adult BF/GF relationship.


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## Ursula

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Do yourself a huge favor and take some of the money that YOU'VE earned and retain yourself a lawyer today. Hopefully, the loser won't expect you to pay for HIS lawyer on top of everything else.


Yeah, don’t pay for his lawyer. And this brings up a good point: are your finances separated? If so, score for you! If not, get them separated out now. If he doesn’t want to work, I don’t feel like he should be entitled to your hard-earned money.


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## Livvy05

Thank you all for your honest advice and opinions. Sometimes it's better to have advice from a fresh outside view with all the facts laid out. Of course, my family and friends will be biased because they will always take my side. It is very clear to me and an eye opener. Too bad, it had to take this long, but I'm still young for the most part. 
@Hopeful Cynic is so right. When I left him the first time, he made all these promises and kept them for a good year or so, and then after we married he went back to his old self. You are soo right, this is his true self and he will never change.


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## Mr.Married

It's like that thing kids do when they make a "L" with there thumb and index finger and hold it to their forehead .....

L-O-S-E-R ......


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## She'sStillGotIt

Livvy05 said:


> When I left him the first time, he made all these promises and kept them for a good year or so, and then after we married he went back to his old self. You are soo right, this is his true self and he will never change.


That's because most people at their core really don't change. It was all a dog and pony show to keep you around (he's got nothing else going on in his life so he didn't want to lose the only thing he DOES have). I'm actually surprised he lasted a whole year before reverting back to who he really is.

A word of advice - when someone shows you who they are, you need to *believe* them.

He's shown you - over and over and over and over and over and over again, _*exactly*_ who he is. Believe him.


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## TJW

Livvy05 said:


> he has anxiety disorder which is stemming from him not wanting to leave his parents.


His anxiety disorder causes him to not want to leave. His mother trained him well, to be there to meet HER needs. He can't meet hers, and yours. She made a surrogate husband out of him, one she can control through his warped sense of "duty" being first to his mother. He's, in his misguided way, trying to be good to his parents and honor them.



Livvy05 said:


> They support him 100% so that gives him no motivation to work


 His lack of motivation comes from a deep-seated inner belief about himself, that he CANNOT work, apart from the family business. 

Like always, @She'sStillGotIt has still got it. People at their core don't really change. This guy is 33. If he were going to be his own man, he would have been that at 17.

I cannot easily bring myself to advise you to divorce him. There's just no grounds, I'm 66 and the "roots of my raisin' run deep"....but, I unfortunately, have to agree with the others that he's not going to change. If he were running the bars and chasing women, I would have no problem telling you to waste him.

Actually, in my old age, I've come to understand that divorce may be the "gnat" and living in a worthless marriage the "camel". And, in a strange way, I think a divorce may be more a relief than an imposed insult to him.


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