# Tired of the Cycle



## Debra.Byrnes (Nov 14, 2020)

If you have been through a divorce, how did you finally know that it was time to call it quits?

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children. I feel like we have been on a repeating cycle of good times followed by bad times through our entire relationship. I also feel like the bad times have been intensifying lately, mainly stemming from my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel that I have changed so much over the years that we hardly have anything in common and that we are also on different life paths. We have sharply different political beliefs. I’m not religious but he is religious and wants our kids to be as well. I would love to move to a different part of the country but he is perfectly happy where we are because that’s where he grew up. I feel like the only way to resolve our marital troubles is for me to give in to how he thinks we should live our lives together.

I just don’t want to keep sitting in this same cycle forever but I also recognize that a divorce wouldn’t disconnect me from him because of our kids.

The other current problem is that I think I’ve entered into an emotional connection with a married coworker. I keep telling myself that we are just good friends and truly don’t think that he would ever try to do something with me, but I think about him constantly. We laugh and talk easily and also work out at gyms together when traveling for work. I’ve never been able to talk as easily with my husband as I can with him. I know I should probably distance myself but, quite frankly, I don’t want to because I am desperate for a friendship after spending the last 12 years focusing solely on raising my kids and on growing my career. I can’t even put into words how much the friendship means to me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> If you have been through a divorce, how did you finally know that it was time to call it quits?
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children. I feel like we have been on a repeating cycle of good times followed by bad times through our entire relationship. I also feel like the bad times have been intensifying lately, mainly stemming from my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel that I have changed so much over the years that we hardly have anything in common and that we are also on different life paths. We have sharply different political beliefs. I’m not religious but he is religious and wants our kids to be as well. I would love to move to a different part of the country but he is perfectly happy where we are because that’s where he grew up. I feel like the only way to resolve our marital troubles is for me to give in to how he thinks we should live our lives together.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> If you have been through a divorce, how did you finally know that it was time to call it quits?
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children. I feel like we have been on a repeating cycle of good times followed by bad times through our entire relationship. I also feel like the bad times have been intensifying lately, mainly stemming from my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel that I have changed so much over the years that we hardly have anything in common and that we are also on different life paths. We have sharply different political beliefs. I’m not religious but he is religious and wants our kids to be as well. I would love to move to a different part of the country but he is perfectly happy where we are because that’s where he grew up. I feel like the only way to resolve our marital troubles is for me to give in to how he thinks we should live our lives together.
> 
> ...


You are right, you need to distance yourself from the OM. You are a married lady with children who you are responsible for so please stop this in appropriate relationship before it goes too far.

Book some MC and put all of your efforts into your marriage and family. Your children need a stable home with 2 parents.

The OM is also married maybe with children. Do you really want to be responsible for wrecking 2 families? Unless you stop this you will be.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> the bad times have been intensifying lately, mainly stemming from my dissatisfaction with the relationship.


No, sorry, your dissatisfaction with your marriage is not the "egg". Your dissatisfaction has been largely stemming from your adulterous relationship with the OM. Yes, I said adulterous. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck.....it's not a swan. Don't delude yourself with this "only friends" business. Your activities with this other man are clandestine. HE IS MARRIED, TOO. This extramarital relationship is CHEATING. It will bring nothing good to you, and certainly not to your husband, neither to the OM. Stop this immediately.

I have not, by the grace of God, been through a divorce. I cannot advise you to divorce, as I firmly believe you have no grounds upon which it is warranted. You are the offender.


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## Angel wings (Oct 31, 2021)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> If you have been through a divorce, how did you finally know that it was time to call it quits?
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children. I feel like we have been on a repeating cycle of good times followed by bad times through our entire relationship. I also feel like the bad times have been intensifying lately, mainly stemming from my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel that I have changed so much over the years that we hardly have anything in common and that we are also on different life paths. We have sharply different political beliefs. I’m not religious but he is religious and wants our kids to be as well. I would love to move to a different part of the country but he is perfectly happy where we are because that’s where he grew up. I feel like the only way to resolve our marital troubles is for me to give in to how he thinks we should live our lives together.
> 
> ...


My dear you just need some time out to focus on yourself.. Breath and take it slow.. Find the happiness back into your marriage again and remember you not alone anymore.. You do have a husband and kids that love you.. Don't look for a storm in your marriage that you might regret dear.. All the best...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> If you have been through a divorce, how did you finally know that it was time to call it quits?
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children. I feel like we have been on a repeating cycle of good times followed by bad times through our entire relationship. I also feel like the bad times have been intensifying lately, mainly stemming from my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel that I have changed so much over the years that we hardly have anything in common and that we are also on different life paths. We have sharply different political beliefs. I’m not religious but he is religious and wants our kids to be as well. I would love to move to a different part of the country but he is perfectly happy where we are because that’s where he grew up. I feel like the only way to resolve our marital troubles is for me to give in to how he thinks we should live our lives together.
> 
> ...


The reality is your married co-worker would probably happily have sex with you but that's probably all. So if I were you I would put him out of your mind and get cheating out of the equation. 

Your marriage may well have run its course. Just because you divorced doesn't mean he won't still have influence over the children religiously. And also I don't know if you're aware but you're not allowed to just move far away from the other parent. It depends where you live but in the United States every state has different state laws mandating that you have to stay within a certain close distance to share custody of the children. So you're not really going to have your freedom that you are wanting. You're still going to have to be in the same vicinity and that vicinity is going to be where you are now unless by some miracle you and the ex could both agree on a new location which seems very doubtful given what you just told us. So you're stuck there. He's also stuck there. 

So I'm not sure how much of your problems it would solve. Of course if you just want to be single and just not be married to him, then that's fine. But it's not going to solve all your problems. And you certainly don't throw away your marriage for a married guy at work who 100% isn't going to leave his wife for you and probably wouldn't do any more than have sex with you if he even did that. So get him out of the equation. He is not your escape route. 

You can have the same influence over the children as your husband does by just talking to them. People generally make up their own mind about religion after they turn into young adults with a fully developed brain. People change politically as they get older and have more experience and see more history. Although some people will treat politics like it's nothing more than picking a football team their whole lives. You really don't have control over your children about that type of thing.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> I feel that I have changed so much over the years that we hardly have anything in common


What has brought about this change in you?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Debra.Byrnes said:


> If you have been through a divorce, how did you finally know that it was time to call it quits?
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children. I feel like we have been on a repeating cycle of good times followed by bad times through our entire relationship. I also feel like the bad times have been intensifying lately, mainly stemming from my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel that I have changed so much over the years that we hardly have anything in common and that we are also on different life paths. We have sharply different political beliefs. I’m not religious but he is religious and wants our kids to be as well. I would love to move to a different part of the country but he is perfectly happy where we are because that’s where he grew up. I feel like the only way to resolve our marital troubles is for me to give in to how he thinks we should live our lives together.
> 
> ...


Unless your spouse has changed over the years, your dissatisfaction is an internal matter and not anything that he is or is not doing. Maybe you can think about what you're dissatisfied about and see about meeting your desires without any drastic changes.

Even if you did move, you are still taking the biggest reason for your dissatisfaction, yourself.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How have you focused solely on raising the kids as well as having a career? Can you elaborate here? Quite a juggle to do both. 

Tell us more about your husband.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Politics and religion are really important things to agree on. Usually, that can be taken care of by selecting the correct choices on a dating app.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

You are cheating on your husband with a married man. You are about to blow up two marriages.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Also important to consider, how have you not been able to connect with your husband? You mention you’ve never been able to talk to your husband like you can with this guy. 

This is often a common trait of emotionally distant spouses. They’ll give nothing to the spouse, but can suddenly give everything to a safe outsider. It’s always a safe outsider. There’s usually married or overseas online. So that you can mentally say to yourself, ‘this person is unavailable to me, I’d never go that far. (But you already have) 

This is exactly why you think you’re able to speak with this guy in a way you can’t with your own husband: because it’s just another situation where you can play with being unavailable yourself. Think of the times you’ve talked with your husband: are you a skilled conversationalist that knows how to make someone feel good? Does your body language and smile make your husband feel like a king? Do you show interest in him? Or sit there dulled and bored, because the conversation isn’t about you and your needs?


I am positive that your husband has picked up on this before, has he ever mentioned to before that you seem different around other people?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are rewriting the history of your marriage to justify the emotional affair you are having. 
Same old same old.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Your perceptions and feelings cannot be trusted to tell you the truth, because you are currently on a "high" from the newness of the attention from your co-worker, and what you believe is a real connection with him. And now you are risking your marriage and the life you want for something that is an ILLUSION. 

If you left your husband, you would be single, and this friend of yours would NOT become your new partner. You would be a single mom, and share custody and visitation with your husband. You would be alone until you found another partner, different than both him and your husband. If THAT is what appeals to you, then you might really have serious unresolvable issues in your marriage.

However, you will NEVER know for sure if you are only being distracted by this co-worker who is exciting you with his attention. It's easy to feel bored and annoyed and "tired" of the cycle of a relationship with someone you've been with for years - but THAT is exactly where true connection and love comes from! If you can't recognize that, you may never have a satisfying relationship with anyone.

And don't forget -- you have MANY "needs" from a partner, not just emotional needs. You have physical support needs, and financial needs, and parenting needs, and sexual needs...is your husband a good provider in THOSE other ways? Because when those are not being met in a relationship, it's just as bleak as missing an emotional connection.

And if YOU are not being a good partner to your husband, then he isn't going to be willing to connect with you emotionally either - it's not all about YOU. If you are having so much trouble communicating and caring for eachother that you are considering ending your marriage, you NEED to get professional help to sort things out, and to make sure you would be making the best choice based on what is really going on in your marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just a quick point-- you said:
"I feel like we have been on a repeating cycle of good times followed by bad times through our entire relationship. "
says every married person EVER -- and I dare say every long-term relationship couples also. There are ALWAYS ups and downs in a relationship.
I agree with others -- the rush you are getting by having an emotional affair with your co-worker is messing with your head and having you re-write what you actually had/have with your husband.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I have been married since 1984. I have known many people married long term. They go through ups and downs, but they don't check out on each other, they keep working to love and support each other. 

You said that you can't talk to your husband like you can talk to the other man. It would help your relationship if you could learn to communicate better with your husband.

Honestly, I think you likely came here to get "permission" to move your inappropriate relationship further down the path of adultery, so I also think it's unlikely that you are going to stop this train wreck. I hope you take heed and start talking to your husband and working to make your marriage work, despite your differences.

My husband and I have many differences, but that doesn't stop us from connecting, because we make the effort to do so. An example is my husband's motorcycle obsession. He loves motorcycles; always has. I don't really like them, but I ride with my husband, because it brings him such joy.

Husbands and wives should be each other's biggest fans. They should have each other's backs. They should work together to make a good life, as a family. That is obviously missing in your marriage. It's time to start talking to your husband about how you feel and to work through your difficulties together. Get into marriage counseling and revitalize your marriage. You'll be better off if you do.

If you keep to the track that you are currently on, you will always be an adulterous woman. Why on earth would you want to be with a man who is an adulterer? An adulterer by definition is a liar and cheat. Is that who you really want to be? Do you really want to be with someone who is a liar and a cheat? Good luck with that.


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