# "ratting out" a cheater - what would you do?



## 1968 (Feb 27, 2010)

Here's my situation...
I work in an office with aobut 80 people. There is a married guy there who has been carrying on with a single woman for about 2 years. 
I do not have any concrete proof that anything physical has taken place, but they do go to her house regularly for lunch. People at work talk, of course, and it's pretty much assumed by all that an affair is going on. I have spotted him leaving her cards on her desk... of course I have no idea what those cards say.
I have tried to stay out of it... I am not "friends" with either of them, and I only work directly with them at minimal times, and they have both been there longer than me. It seems like HR and upper managers are just turning a blind eye to this.
For some reason, it really gets to me though. I keep thinking about this guy's wife and guess that she has no idea this is going on. My values are such that I value marriage and just feel this is really wrong. I have met the guy's wife only once, quite a while back. I am sure she wouldn't remember me.

Here's my question... I am seriously considering sending the wife an anonymous note saying, you need to check into this...
I am hesitant, but I know I would want to know if this was happening to me. 
What do you think?!?


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## funlovingdad (Jan 6, 2010)

Please do it. I'm in a situation now where I think my wife is cheating with someone at work and she has a couple co-workers covering for her. There is still a thing at honestly so I think you should be true to your values. Plus if they don't really know you or are not friends with you, they wouldn't question you when they wonder who sent the note. If it turns out to be nothing, then it's nothing. But at least it will force the two to look at their actions.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Mind your own business and live your own life.
Dont interject yourself into someone elses situation because you think you're better or because you know you're right...

You dont know as much as you THINK you know....

I realy think it sick that people monitor and feel they should be going around trying to "correct" what they see/perceive to be incorrect or not in alignment with them... 

geez this is scary.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

funlovingdad said:


> I think you should be true to your values. Plus if they don't really know you or are not friends with you, they wouldn't question you when they wonder who sent the note. If it turns out to be nothing, then it's nothing. But at least it will force the two to look at their actions.


So... HE SHOULD be true to his values.. bravo.. but everyone else in his sights should be also???????????
So every single person should apply and enforce THEIR values on those around them?????? REALLY?

And do these values include HONESTY??? then why do something in hiding?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^^^^^
I agree!! If it's true he'll get caught I don't understand this meddling mentality at all.

What if we did this with everything from speeders, litterers, foul language, teenagers, kids, work ethic, taxes, white lies, chores, family's, how petty do you want to get? Or does it just apply to infidelity? Again you don't really know you're assuming a lot.

I would definitely stay out of it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would stay out of it myself but if someone is hell bend on doing this, I would suggest sending HIM the anonomous note as a WARNING 1st , so he knows he is not really getting away with anything. Maybe this would shake him up enough to be honest with his wife , better to come from him -than a stranger in a note. Just my thoughts.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Much as I hate the idea of what they are "apparently" doing, you have no proof and you could be setting the wife up for a lot of unnecessary upset if you turn out to be wrong. Could even wreck their marriage if the wife finds no proof either but believes there is no smoke without fire.

Another angle is what if the wife suspects something and for her own reasons has decided to turn a blind eye - would you still want to put this "info" in front of her face then?


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## funlovingdad (Jan 6, 2010)

Do what you want. I was thinking with my heart and probably not my head. It just really sucks not to know about something that other people know about. If there is something going on, she should know about it so they can either work on it or she can live her life with someone devoted to her.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Im very 50/50 on it. On one hand I would say its not your place or your business. However, if my husband was fooling around with a coworker I would hope that someone out there would tell me so I dont look like a fool by not knowing......

Your choice, this is a tough one-


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Stay out of it. Our mothers taught us at a young age not to tattle. If any of the parties involved were close friends, it would be different. But since you don't really know them, why cause havoc in their life - you don't know what the situation is.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Workplace affairs are toxic. Which is why overwhelmingly, despite whatever office policy may say - people would rather ignore an affair than address it. Odds are, unless they are getting busy in the copy room - HR isn't going to presume or address anything, despite what it may look like.

Were you cheated on? Why would you want to get skin in the game if you don't know the players?


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Not your life. Not your business. Period. 

You can be morally indignant all you want, but you shouldn't get involved.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BS. If YOUR husband had been cheating on you for two years, and half a dozen people knew about it, but minded their own business, and made good gossip about you at the Christmas parties, you wouldn't want to know?

1968, you have valuable information that could affect this woman's life. For all you know, she could be near suicidal because she's been trying to win her husband's affection back for two years with no effect and blaming herself. Or, she could have an idea but not known what to do about it. Either way, you can give her the impetus to make a change in her life to improve it. But she can't, if no one who knows, will help her.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

You don't know their marriage. Stay out of it.

If you were a friend I would say different. If you had some intimate knowledge of their marriage, I would say to give the wife a heads up.

But you don't know the wife. You don't know their marriage or circumstances. It is completely none of your business.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Or she could be the type of wife who is content to look the other way - Turnera. You have no idea how it will affect this woman's life. Do you want to be responsible for potentially sending her over the edge because you stuck your nose where it doesn't belong. NO ONE knows what is going on behind someone else's door. I would not want some busybody from my husbands office who I DON'T KNOW calling me up and telling me she thinks, but isn't sure that maybe my husband could be having an affair and she thought I should know. I'm not sure I would believe her - I don't know her and have no reason to take her word over my husband. Its just stirring up drama in people's lives. If he is a serial cheater AND the wife isn't ok with it he'll get busted when she is ready to bust him. Doing it before she is ready does no one any good.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I hope that all who think it should be their place to poke their noses in other peoples lives are likewise being watched like hawks by equally twisted people, and i hope that every time they even think you're doing something they dont see in THEIR way... STRIKE into your lives and fcuk things up for you.
Whether you were doing something "inappropriate" (judged by them of course) or NOT!!

mmm yea.. i think i may feel strongly on this one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I was doing something wrong, I should expect that someone will rat me out.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

great but you said "you're" doing something wrong.

How many people do you come in contact with in a day?
I hope lots.. cause what you're saying is that THEY with very little knowledge of you or your situation now get to decide and interfere into your life.


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## 1968 (Feb 27, 2010)

Wow! I must say, I am surprised by the overwhelming majority to stay out of it.
Someone asked if I had been cheated on and the answer to that is yes... I was the unsuspecting victim of an office affair.... it is incredibly embarassing to me still to think that I went to office parties and was the laughing stock while everyone knew my spouse was getting it on with a coworker. I am sure this is why this is such an issue for me.
As for what I know, its true - i have never seen them in bed together, but come on, there are PLENTY of dots to connect - I even saw them playing "footsie" once when I walked into a meeting late. There are many more instances that validates my suspiscion...
I realize it is not my place to judge - I am just thinking back to my own situation and I know I would like to have been told....


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

1968 said:


> I was the unsuspecting victim of an office affair.... it is incredibly embarassing to me still to think that I went to office parties and was the laughing stock while everyone knew my spouse was getting it on with a coworker. I am sure this is why this is such an issue for me.


This is your issue - but it may not be theirs. I agree with Vino - pushing your own moral agenda on others is not the way to go. 



1968 said:


> As for what I know, its true - i have never seen them in bed together, but come on, there are PLENTY of dots to connect - I even saw them playing "footsie" once when I walked into a meeting late. There are many more instances that validates my suspiscion...
> I realize it is not my place to judge - I am just thinking back to my own situation and I know I would like to have been told....


Plenty of dots to connect is not the same thing as irrefutable proof.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

That's what I was banking on.

Follow your gut. Just be aware of your bias. You could save this woman a lot of heartache - or be the cause of it. 



1968 said:


> Someone asked if I had been cheated on and the answer to that is yes... I was the unsuspecting victim of an office affair.... it is incredibly embarassing to me still to think that I went to office parties and was the laughing stock while everyone knew my spouse was getting it on with a coworker. I am sure this is why this is such an issue for me.
> As for what I know, its true - i have never seen them in bed together, but come on, there are PLENTY of dots to connect - I even saw them playing "footsie" once when I walked into a meeting late. There are many more instances that validates my suspiscion...
> I realize it is not my place to judge - I am just thinking back to my own situation and I know I would like to have been told....


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