# No end in sight



## Lonely Husband (Dec 2, 2014)

Hello all. I couldn't find an introduction section so I will just jump right in.

I just turned 52. My wife is 48. We have been married for 29 years (assuming you count the past 7 mos lol). 

In April of this year my wife told me that she was leaving. Over the next month or so the reasons ranged from 'she's not attracted to me anymore' to 'the porn magazine she'd found' 20+ years prior. Personally? I think it's a mid-life crisis thing. I mean she left HS and entered into marriage. No time to find out who she was so to speak. I can go into all this deeper as your questions/comments warrant.

We were happy in all respects. Her/our friends looked up to our relationship. Did we argue? Sure. I'm guessing most couples do. We struggled for years financially. Nothing overtly bad. A couple of lay off for me. But I always found work right away. We paid our bills and cut corners when we wanted something. We managed very well. I started my own business and worked two jobs until for years until we decided to commit to the business. And because of that I have been making just over 100k for the past 3 years. So we are finally where we should be. And now this? I am confused. We also have a 26 y/o son who still lives at home. Good kid. Has a good job as a machinist. Has had it since HS. Just not enough $/hr to move out though. 

About me - I don't smoke. I don't drink. I do not socialize much if at all. (read no friends of my own haha). My wife is the only woman I have ever been with in every definition of the word. I've never even kissed another woman. Pure as the driven snow.

The wife - Poor (read disconnected) relationship with her parents growing up. Ended up being rather promiscuous starting at 15. That's when her 30 y/o bus driver had sex with her. From that point up until I met her at 17, she had been with about 6-10 guys in various manners.

In 1997, she had an affair with a customer where she worked as a waitress. He was married. And 56. 25 years her senior. (daddy probs). It lasted about a year. I forgave her. 

Anyways. We still call/text each other. She has been over on numerous occasions. I fix supper. We talk. Earlier on we would argue at some point. In recent months, it's all been good. Good enough that we have been intimate on three occasions (I had Ed probs before she left. More on that later). We went out to dinner on my birthday last week. I planned on a movie as well. She said she would rather talk and be with me as opposed to sitting silent in a theater. Worked for me.  She called me yesterday to tell me that she traded in our Pontiac Aztek for a 2013 Maxima! I sent her a text today asking if she would like to go to the museum in town and the conservatory. She declined saying that she doesn't know what she wants to do. I'm getting soooooo many mixed messages. I'm trying to ride them out and give her the space she needs. But I'm getting more and more down.


I decided to copy the rest of this long winded story to a document and save it. Don;t want to bore anybody right off the bat.


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## HandyMan (Nov 23, 2014)

I think I'm riding the same exact bus you are on. Our stories are very similar. My drama started 6mos ago. 

I did find out back in June my wife was with another man just after I moved out. Which she was probably having an emotional affair with way before. I really hope this isn't what your wife is doing as it ended up being the beginning of the end for us. 

We got back together after separating for a month and it was great for the first 5.5 months then I started getting the "I love you but not in love with you". 

Now we live apart again as of a week ago and I'm trying to start my life on my own. And I'm no longer considering reconciliation as I can't continue to be the nice guy and be at her beck and call as it sounds what you may be doing.

I know my wife when she is at a low point calls on me but when I need her I might as well go hug a tree cause I would get more out of it.

I would recommend the 180. You will see this recommended several times and it has helped me from the standpoint of moving on. I do still get soft and give in from time to time to her requests however I do feel as each day things get easier to say no!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

Use what you need...

The 180 List 

No More Mr Nice Guy, Dr Robert A. Glover

Best


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your still meeting some of her emotional wants which is why she still has contact with you. When she needs that she interacts with you. She is in complete control of the interaction basically. What is going on now, her having boyfriends 30 years ago or you a porn mag 20 years ago and after almost 30 years it’s a little late to play the married too young angle and not why you are separated and just excuses and blame deflection. 

Mid-life crisis is more a myth than reality. Something or someone has caused her to want and continue this separation. You spend time together but what is anything are you doing to repair the marriage?


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## Lonely Husband (Dec 2, 2014)

Thanks all. I'm going to take this info and try to digest all of it. Needless to say, this is what I expected to read, didn't want to read, but should probably read.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly think you need to move on with out her, he presence is preventing you from meeting new women, new friends, new experience. you can not hold on someone who will want you only when she needs company...eventually she may find someone new and you will be left out in the cold...i don't want to see that happen not after all you have gone through. you need to push yourself. Challenge yourself to take up new hobbies, to take classes, to join book clubs, to hit the gym....become a new you...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she will milk you for everything you got. emotionally, financially, self esteem, etc......

realize its happening to you and go talk to a counselor. 

then move on


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

LH I'm sorry you're going through this. There are some deep seeded issues that your wife has, she is very broken and needs help/therapy. That is not for you that is for her. You sound like alot of men here, you're a "nice guy" a fixer and somewhat co-dependent from what I read.

As tough as this is to hear, you need to fix yourself to save your marriage if thats what you want. Listen carefully to what I just said, "YOU NEED TO FIX YOURSELF". Reading is great is getting a better understanding of what is happening, but you need to go and get some IC. It will give you perspective and the tools you will need to sort your own issues out.

If there is any hope of your marriage starting a fresh then this is your first step. You need to be the best you can be, improve your self esteem, understand your issues developed from childhood and so on.

This isnt easy so here some things to get you through the initial hump. Keep busy, eat regular small healthy meals, get plenty of sleep (even if you need medicine to help you get it), exercise, engage with a trusted family member and or friend. Reach out don't be ashamed or embarrassed, if you are look around this forum and realise you're not alone. 

You need to get a place where you accept that you will be ok with or without her. Don't do stuff for her, don't be a fixer, start small, stop making those suppers, in inviting her out and alike. This is weak and she has a hold on you when you do this. Its unattractive to her believe me I know I did it through 2 marriages. Took me 20 years to see it. Start enacting the 180 for yourself, live it. The traits in that make you more attractive. Resist being available to her, in fact be unavailable.

Do small things day to day that make your circumstances better, take little bites and it will get better. You cant see it now, but do what we are saying and you will. Good Luck.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

I recommend going to the website ChumpLady.com - Leave a cheater, gain a life She puts it to you straight forward and it sounds like that's exactly what you need. She'll drain you emotionally and spiritually. Stay strong!!!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You're living on the crumbs she feeds you to keep you around. 

She is a broken woman but you know that. She's always been broken. 

This dynamic has probably provided tremendous highs and significant lows over the years. 

Give her what she wants and ignore the crumbs; the bait to hold you near. 

She needs to know what she's losing. Currently, she feels like you'll always be there no matter what she does.


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