# "The Love Dare" anyone else done it/doing it?



## revitalizedhusband

Has anyone else gone through this marriage devotional?

It was kind of made famous by the Christian movie Fireproof.

My wife and I are in the middle of it and we have NEVER been closer in 9 years of marriage in every way, spiritually, emotionally, sexually, etc.

Just wondering if anyone else has any positive or negative experiences with this marriage devotional.

We are currently on day 13.

This is one of those devotionals that you can do by yourself (as was shown in the movie) or as a couple.


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## humpty dumpty

Ive not heard of it ...but im glad its helping you ...what does it involve?


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## revitalizedhusband

Its basic concepts include.

1. Realizing your spouse is not perfect and will never be perfect, but just like Jesus loves us as imperfect humans, we have to learn to love our spouse unconditionally as an imperfect human.
2. Lust/attraction are feelings, love is a choice. You have to choose to show love to your spouse every day, regardless of how you are feeling that day. 
3. Be willing to do things, kind things, buy things, give in to your spouses side of an argument even if you feel you are right, etc EVEN if your spouse doesn't deserve it.

Basically its 40 days of devotions that don't take long to read, only 2-4 pages with a couple verses in there to reinforce the days topic.

Each day's topic starts off with "Love is...", day 1 is patient, day 2 is kind, there is a toughtful, faithful, etc 40 different things that love "is". The short devotional is about how that particular way of showing love (being kind, patient, etc) affects your marriage, both good and bad. 

Then, at the end of the daily devotion, there is a "dare" that you have to complete that day and some space to write about what you did and how your spouse reacted to it. 

Some days are "easy" to complete, some really are not. But in the end I can't see how it couldn't help all marriages.

I know about 50 different couples doing it right now, many at our church, many in my family, etc and ALL of them have had great results so far.


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## sirch

Glad to hear that people are having good results from this program. I have just ordered the " dare " book and will begin as soon as I have recieved it. I truly hope it can work for me and my marriage.


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## draconis

Eh? it was okay but common sense, some people need to be reminded I guess. It wasn't for me though.

draconis


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## revitalizedhusband

draconis said:


> Eh? it was okay but common sense, some people need to be reminded I guess. It wasn't for me though.
> 
> draconis


Common sense, yes...but as humans we sometimes don't do what we know we should do right?

I mean the Bible is full of 'common sense' stuff, but you wouldn't say "its not for me" just because its full of common sense.

Romans 7:19-20 says this perfectly...

19For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 

20Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me

We always know the right thing to do, but don't always do it. Sometimes a book, like the Bible or like the Love Dare, can reinforce the right thing to do and help you remember to actually do it.


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## humpty dumpty

what sort of dare?


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## revitalizedhusband

Some examples humpty...

Day-topic-dare

1-Patience-Resolve to demonstrate patience and say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to say nothing at all.

2-Kindness-Do at least 1 unexpected gesture of kindness, that is out of the ordinary for your spouse today.

5-Rudeness-Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

7-Believe the best-Get two sheets of paper, on the first sheet write out all positive things about your spouse. Do the same with negative things on the second one. Put them in a secret place as they will be used later on. Pick one from the positive list and thank your spouse for that trait today.

13-Fights fair-Set up, with your spouse, ground rules that when you are in a disagreement you don't break those rules in order to not say/do something you regret. Resolve with your spouse to abide by these rules the next time you have a fight.

That's a small sampling as I'm not supposed to read ahead and I'm only on day 13. 

I understand as you go down the road some get harder and more in depth, some are sexual, some emotional, some just the way we treat each other. It really covers all aspects of marriage in 40 days from what I understand.


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## draconis

The book comes loose to the movie fire proof. As a book I feel it fell short and was full of fluff. I have read many books with the same advic that had more to them. If it works for you by all means do it. 

draconis


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## humpty dumpty

Thanks for sharing  Im in the uk and havent heard of the program before.
It sounds interesting, and getting positive results for your marriage to.
Enjoy


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## sarah.rslp

I have heard about it, but there are crticisms that its more interested in promoting religion than saving marraiges. The steps sound pretty generic to a hundred other self help books on the market, at the end of the day if you want to look after your marraige you have to do it yourself not look to some god to do it for you.


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## T-Dub

Love is like having two jobs. Sarah , I visited England some years ago, it was great!


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## revitalizedhusband

sarah.rslp said:


> I have heard about it, but there are crticisms that its more interested in promoting religion than saving marraiges. The steps sound pretty generic to a hundred other self help books on the market, at the end of the day if you want to look after your marraige you have to do it yourself not look to some god to do it for you.


Who said ANYTHING about "some god" doing it for "you" or us?

The book doesn't say a dang thing about God doing anything FOR you in your marriage. It uses Bible versus to backup what it says you should do each day, but never says "God will do this", it says YOU have to do this or do that to make your marriage work.

Everything in the book is about what YOU can change/do about the way you react to/treat your spouse, it never says a word about looking to God to do anything for you.

You seem to have an issue with someone mentioning God and their marriage together, if that is true then why come to the "Marriage and Spirituality" forum at all? Doesn't make much sense to me, but whatever.


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## humpty dumpty

You have found something that works for you and your wife, thats great !! i wouldnt stop at 40 days though  .I do think in marriage after you have been married a while you kinda forget to say i love you and the hugs and kisses stop a bit , im guessing that the program reminds you to put some zest into your marriage, and yes any extra attention spills over to the bedroom win win situation


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## snix11

revitalizedhusband said:


> Who said ANYTHING about "some god" doing it for "you" or us?
> 
> The book doesn't say a dang thing about God doing anything FOR you in your marriage. I...


Take it easy bible thumper, nobody is dissin yer zombie 

If it brings you closer to love, whatever the reason, by all means do it.


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## revitalizedhusband

humpty dumpty said:


> You have found something that works for you and your wife, thats great !! i wouldnt stop at 40 days though  .I do think in marriage after you have been married a while you kinda forget to say i love you and the hugs and kisses stop a bit , im guessing that the program reminds you to put some zest into your marriage, and yes any extra attention spills over to the bedroom win win situation


If you haven't seen the movie Fireproof and still want to, stop reading, spoiler alert...









Exactly, if you watched the movie, when the wife finally found out what he was doing (found the book), she asked him what day he was on and he said "43". She said "but there's only 40?", to which he replied "who says I have to stop?"

That's what we plan on doing.


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## revitalizedhusband

snix11 said:


> Take it easy bible thumper, nobody is dissin yer zombie
> 
> If it brings you closer to love, whatever the reason, by all means do it.


Who said anything about "bible thumper", someone said something that WAS "dissing" without ever reading the book, and I corrected them, that the book doesn't tell you to rely on God at all, that it tells you what you should work on in your own life to help your marriage.

Wow, can't come to the spirituality forum and talk about religion huh? I know I'm new but figured this was the one place that people COULD talk about that.


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## revitalizedhusband

mommy22 said:


> You can come here and talk about it. Just realize that others can come here and talk about their beliefs as well. Expect criticism. You are welcome to give your own criticism as well. Everyone just needs to remember to *be **respectful*.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree the term "bible thumper" was a bit derogatory.


Criticism is fine, but because I gave it back I'm a "Bible thumper", sounds like someone really has an issue with anyone who believes different from them.

And people say Christians are the narrow minded ones...


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## Chris H.

revitalizedhusband said:


> Wow, can't come to the spirituality forum and talk about religion huh? I know I'm new but figured this was the one place that people COULD talk about that.


 
Your right, this IS the place to talk about it.


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## sarah.rslp

Chris H. said:


> Your right, this IS the place to talk about it.


Of course its the right place to talk about it, but you have to be aware that people are free to challenge your views.


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## snix11

oh my goodness 

Can we get off the 'religion' tangent and back on to the love dare topic? 

It sounds very cute... I agree that if you are on day 43 you've gotten the message and 'graduated'

I'm working on a "Mort" list right now... it's helping a little. Hopefully it will eventually help quite a bit. 

More stories on how this works for people. We need success stories here!


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## revitalizedhusband

sarah.rslp said:


> Of course its the right place to talk about it, but you have to be aware that people are free to challenge your views.


Challenging the views was fine, I responded to that challenge and stated what the book actually covers/says.

The next post was basically "shut up Bible thumper nobody is dissin' your zombie".

I was respectful in my reply to the challenge, that was completely disrespectful.

Like I said, sometimes non-Christians paint the narrow minded view on Christians when themselves are the first to "jump" at someone who doesn't share THEIR belief system. Kind of paradoxical huh?

Back on topic, its a good book that shows some basic principles a marriage should stand by. It does use Bible versus to backup these ideas but never says to just pray and rely on the "zombie" to fix your marriage, it says YOU have to fix your marriage.


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## revitalizedhusband

snix11 said:


> oh my goodness
> 
> Can we get off the 'religion' tangent and back on to the love dare topic?
> 
> It sounds very cute... I agree that if you are on day 43 you've gotten the message and 'graduated'
> 
> I'm working on a "Mort" list right now... it's helping a little. Hopefully it will eventually help quite a bit.
> 
> More stories on how this works for people. We need success stories here!



I'm unfamiliar with a "Mort" list, what are you talking about and how has it helped?


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## sarah.rslp

revitalizedhusband said:


> Challenging the views was fine, I responded to that challenge and stated what the book actually covers/says.
> 
> The next post was basically "shut up Bible thumper nobody is dissin' your zombie".
> 
> I was respectful in my reply to the challenge, that was completely disrespectful.
> 
> Like I said, sometimes non-Christians paint the narrow minded view on Christians when themselves are the first to "jump" at someone who doesn't share THEIR belief system. Kind of paradoxical huh?
> 
> Back on topic, its a good book that shows some basic principles a marriage should stand by. It does use Bible versus to backup these ideas but never says to just pray and rely on the "zombie" to fix your marriage, it says YOU have to fix your marriage.


You got hostile well before he referred to the Zombie, so don't use that as an excuse. 

My arguement is that the book comes from an evangelical christian base, and that the objective is promoting christianity through offering marraige guidance. Marraige guidance which is pretty generic.


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## snix11

Yeah! That Bloody guy referring to zombies. who is that guy! stone him 

Mort list - Mort Fertel... he's got a banner ad on this site.. scroll up to the top of the page.

Here is part of a list I got thru an email from him:

1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's decisions 
2. Share dessert with one fork 
3. What was "your song" when you were dating? Call your spouse and sing it to them. 
4. Surprise visit your spouse at their office or home and give them a kiss... and then leave. 
5. Play footsie next time you sit together 
6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your spouse 
7. Ask how your spouse's day went... and really listen 
8. Kiss your spouse upon waking 
9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping 
10. Caress your spouse's hand 
11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while driving 
12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each other 
13. Sit on your spouse's lap or sit them on yours
14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing 
15. Call your spouse out of the blue to let them know you are thinking of them 
16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage 
17. Share a story from the news or your day that you thought was interesting 
18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's looking. 
19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all over again, you'd choose them 
20. Share a problem - thank your spouse for their concern 
21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in bed 
22. Fall asleep holding hands
23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time they leave the house 
24. Call your spouse at work with the latest news. 
25. Have a tickle "fight" 
26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake you recently made 
27. Think of 3 ways your spouse has made you a better person ... tell them now 
28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite physical trait 
29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud 
30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of your gaze ... share your feelings 
31. Share what you most admire about your spouse 
32. Have a "remember when?" moment. 
33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a challenging time in your life 
34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you are in the same room 
35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce
36. Hold hands under the table 
37. Brush your mate's hair out of his/her eyes 
38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him with love 
39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch her with love 
40. Knead the same dough together
41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking 
42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability to overcome a problem 
43. Listen to your spouse's worries - ask how you can help 
44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ... deliver it with a kiss 
45. Send your spouse a fax with your special "code words" for I Love You! - sent txt message 
46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock...wake them with a massage 
47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while he/she is reading – every night I do this
48. Before parting, tell your spouse you can't wait to see him/her again 
49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt anyone 
50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping 

I'm working my way thru the list. So far this month i've done 39 of them. 6 of them don't apply. That leaves only 5 on my 'to do' list. Not bad for the 10th 

and yes, it's helping. I'm pulling out all the romance stops and he's being nicer. Not romantic mind you, but nicer. smiling more. 

I've declared Feb the month o love around our place and i'm doing everything I can to be as romantic, loving, sexy, fun etc as I can.


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## GAsoccerman

Revitalized...

Glad you and your wife found something that is working for you.

I live in Georgia and I see the movie in theeaters and around local churches here as I drive to work.

This movie has helped alot of people and save their marriages.

It reconfirms why they got married in the first place and anything good is worth fighting for.

Glad you are doing well, now keep going...


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## revitalizedhusband

sarah.rslp said:


> You got hostile well before he referred to the Zombie, so don't use that as an excuse.
> 
> My arguement is that the book comes from an evangelical christian base, and that the objective is promoting christianity through offering marraige guidance. Marraige guidance which is pretty generic.


Hostility is now correcting someone when they say the book says one thing that it really doesn't?

You also basically insinuated that those reading the book are relying on "some god" to fix their marriage and not themselves, which is totally false since the book is about what you need to change about yourself, it just used Bible versus to emphasize the point.

If correcting your wrong assumption was "hostile" then wow.

I'm going to check out the Mort list as well, sounds like it would be beneficial.


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## onlylonelyone

I'm going to buy it......Sounds like a good book to me. Thanks for posting about it.


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## revitalizedhusband

onlylonelyone said:


> I'm going to buy it......Sounds like a good book to me. Thanks for posting about it.


No problem


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## humpty dumpty

I think im going to buy a copy to , it sounds good i do try hard to go out of my way to do and say nice things to my hubbie daily but sounds like a good read.


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## snix11

Humpty - the Mort thing is actually working!! 

It requires NO buy in or participation from the other spouse and includes things to do, not just to say. 

baby steps, but working


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## humpty dumpty

snix11 
Thats so fab !!!!!


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## Frgvn

draconis said:


> Eh? it was okay but common sense, some people need to be reminded I guess. It wasn't for me though.
> 
> draconis


Just remembered something someone once said; "Common sense is uncommon." 

:scratchhead:


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## Rattlehead

I watched the movie (fireproof) and thought it was great. I need to buy the book and see all the steps.


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## fly_guy

Just finished "Every Man's Marriage." Excellent read and definitely helped the marriage. I'll have to look into getting this book and watch the movie!


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## voivod

snix11 said:


> Humpty - the Mort thing is actually working!!
> 
> It requires NO buy in or participation from the other spouse and includes things to do, not just to say.
> 
> baby steps, but working


snix--
after reading this post i was tempted to pm you, but i'll try this first.

i'm on the edge of doing the "mort thing."

you say it takes no participation from the other spouse, yet it's "working"? 

explain please. i'm ready to drop the money on it i think.


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## revitalizedhusband

voivod, 

Just FYI, the Love Dare doesn't require participation from your partner either, matter of fact the book is strictly about things you do by yourself.


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## fly_guy

revitalizedhusband said:


> voivod,
> 
> Just FYI, the Love Dare doesn't require participation from your partner either, matter of fact the book is strictly about things you do by yourself.


I would assume that's the point of the book and movie right? Do things for your spouse regardless of if they do anything to deserve or are doing it themselves?

Seems to be a common problem in the relationship. Person A didn't do this so Person B won't do that. Because Person B won't do that, Person A will continue not doing this.

Marriage, sometimes I wonder if it is just something commical for God to watch :scratchhead:


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## 14 YEARS OF LOVE

Have seen the movie, and read the dare book. I am on day 3 i'm having to it on my on.me & my husband are seperated. Praying that he will do it,cause i can't force him.


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## Rainey

Just bought it at Costco. It has caused me to take a long hard look at myself. I lacked self awareness. I need to get this fixed before I can fix the other problem in the marriage. Don't be put off by the reference to religion/Bible that some have said about the book. It is basically a reminder of how we should treat each other.


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## Malibu17

My wife and I saw the movie together and enjoyed it and we each bought "The Love Dare" book...all this during our (now 14 month) separation.

She suggested that if I move back home that we could do The Love Dare on each other. I hate to sound negative, but because of some of the deep issues, I don't believe it would work in the long run, for our relationship.


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## voivod

Malibu17 said:


> My wife and I saw the movie together and enjoyed it and we each bought "The Love Dare" book...all this during our (now 14 month) separation.
> 
> She suggested that if I move back home that we could do The Love Dare on each other. I hate to sound negative, but because of some of the deep issues, I don't believe it would work in the long run, for our relationship.


roll the freakin dice dude!!! you don't get to be the one to decide whether on not something is going to work!!!


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## tofindme

H and I just bought the love dare kit and the dvd fireproof. We have not started it yet, just looked over it .. I told H that we would discuss it with marriage counselor, whom I am sure will think it is a good idea... I am also doing the mort thing and H signed up for it also, so we will see how it goes.... I feel so ashamed by what has happened in my marriage... I had blinders on and felt secure in my trust in H but that has been broken now.
I can hardly wait to see the movie it sounds awesome.... then to start the dare... I am sure it will be hard work, but does anything come easy without hard work? I do not know about some of you but I know I have had to work hard (financially) for every thing that I have, so the same can be said for our relationships and friendships...I will post more when H and I get started on the dare. I know some things are not for everyone but if it works for you why not give it a go?


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## TRACER

Hi! We seen the movie. It had us both crying. But I think everyone can elate to it. We haven't bought the book yet but plan too. Good luck!


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## TRACER

We bought the book and my husband is doing the love dare .On day 5 now. I'll keep ya updated.


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## Mr. R

I'm gonna get flamed for this, but so be it. I hated that movie. The kind of woman Kirk Cameron's wife (in the movie) was, I'd have told my Dad to stuff his book. The man was a HERO, a firefighter who risks his behind consistently, and he had to come home to that kind of treatment? I have a serious question: How do relationship movies ever get men to watch them when they always portray men as the problem? 

Please, people, I request that you tolerate my dissenting opinion.


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## DeniseK

I have done the dare.....my husband won't pick the book up. It hasn't improved my husband's side of the marriage...but I now understand how I have done things wrong. It has made me able to love more deeply and truely. I highly recommed it...even for unmarried people. It teaches us the true way to love. Keep it up. The fact that you are in it together is wonderful....God bless you and keep you.


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## DeniseK

Mr. R. When you watched the movie....you are suposed to assume that he treated her pretty bad throughout the years that they were married. It leads you to that conclusion. His addiction to internet porn was a pretty hefty thing for the woman to deal with. He also neglected her to the point she was doing everything for him with out any thanks. A hero isn't a hero if he is not taking care of his family. While I thought the acting left something to be desired ....the whole idea of it was to show anyone that the marriage was in deep trouble and that the simple solution was to walk away. But through his learning and faith....he did something that most people refuse to do.....save their marriage. It isn't always possible....but it is much more possible than we think. Too many times...."I" is a killer in marriages. One or both started separating themselves from the "We". I think His character in the movie was actually presented as a great hero by what he did and was rewarded for that...Not trying to scold you....just trying to help you understand a different take on the story line.


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## khitan

My wife and I have done the Love Dare, we also started a Love Dare / FireProof group with several other couples. 

It is a very impactful study, and it has brought us closer together. I loved the movie, it was a little corny, but I dont mind a little corny evey once in a while.

DeniseK - We (my wife and I) agree with you entirely. Love is a feeling, marriage is a commitment. We became one at that moment, there is no more I only us... and that includes 2 children ... hopefully 3 or 4 at some point in the future


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## DeniseK

Good for you khitan....it is nice to hear success stories.....Thank God for that. Mine isn't a success story..but I still think the book is wonderful. In my next ( if there is a next) relationship, I intend to make that a priority. I truely believe if my stbx had done the "Love dare" we would be together today. He didn't want it...no matter how I gave. 

Keep it up and I hope and pray that your group is wildly successful. I think it's a wonderful thing and we need more pro marriage groups like that out there.


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## karajh

I did the Love Dare and even though it did not work out the way I would have liked (my husband was not doing it with me). It made me feel positive and upbeat and if this marriage I am in now does not make it I will be totally prepared for the next one... I have learned alot since my separation on how to treat a spouse... just reading and reading... Good luck with the book and BTW... God does help you... we can't do all of this on our own or we would really mess it up!


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## no1.daddy2kids

I would love to do it as a showing of my faith in my wife and in God. However I feel that, since she did not get the message from watching the movie that I did, she would not get the effort and understand the depth of change that I have felt over the past few months. I have been trying to do some of the elements, just not in their order, as the status of our relationship is not conducive to doing all of them.

Is anyone else in this situation? A marriage that has fallen down and one wants to put it back together? Has this really worked? I see how it could if the other wants to see the marriage again, however I am not sure that is the case in my situation.


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## Anonymous Fella

Wife and I watched the movie about eight months ago. She had forgotten about it, so I'm trying parts of it over time. So far, it's like his situation. She is not noticing anything. Patience is a virtue, they don't sell it in Wal-Mart. Takes some time to learn to let your guard down. It's basically taking all your thoughts and feelings about all the wrong done to you and washing them clean. It's teaching humility and openness. Even if letting your guard down invites your wife to really lean into you, that's the purpose. Maybe your convictions are wrong, even backwards. The dare lets you see things from their view, not yours. Even if they are wrong, at least you'll see your spouse's viewpoint. You will sleep soundly.


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## cbol2

sarah.rslp said:


> I have heard about it, but there are crticisms that its more interested in promoting religion than saving marraiges. The steps sound pretty generic to a hundred other self help books on the market, at the end of the day if you want to look after your marraige you have to do it yourself not look to some god to do it for you.




The point of the book is that God outlines principles in the bible for having a healthy marriage. Following those principles save a marriage. 

You can't criticize a book or a God that you haven't given a moment of your time to learn/read about.. otherwise all your arguments are based in ignorant assumptions.


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## no1.daddy2kids

*Love dare on a new relationship?*

I really did not get to finish Love Dare for my stbxw. I would love to do it for my next relatonship, Maybe when things are serious and maybe something needs to happen to tip the scales? Any others think this may help strengthen a growing relationship? Has anyone done it this way?


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## Loving Husband

I am doing the book but I am only doing the dares as the book I ordered is taking a wek and a half to get here. I have to catchup on the readings. It's what makes the dares understood more..


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## Xusan

I'm working through the dares. Some dares are easy. Ohers have to be adapted/delayed/rearranged. Truly it's about working on yourself, but it's definitely tough when you're efforts are rejected. Journaling, rereading and posting experiences here makes it easier. Getting feedback helps a lot. Talking here dulls the pain and loneliness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sooner2000

I saw the movie with my wife and liked it. Haven't started the love dare yet, but have considered it.


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## morningdew

Just saw the movie and I never cried this much before...
Will seriously considering giving it a try after I move back in with my H, we are currently still separating but will be going to our first counseling session on Monday. 

Thank you all for sharing this!


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## created4success

The "Love Dare" is totally cool and a great, practical tool for improving your marriage.

Funny thing, my wife and I started going thru the workbook and practicing the principles (assignments) independently, before either of us knew that the other was doing it!

It can really help you turn things around and/or grow closer to your spouse. The key, I've found when trying to make changes to yourself that positively impact your marriage, is to persist, regardless of how your spouse responds.

If you're doing the work and making the effort, leave the results out of the equation and you may just surprise yourself at what occurs!


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## Marley

I'm on Day 7, and it's been really, really hard. The Patience, the kindness, the thoughtfulness... Especially the "is not"'s... selfish, rude or irritable. Today is "believes the best"...

3 weeks after finding out about an affair with a woman he sees every day, a woman that he shares office space with... It's hard not to still be angry, irritable, having all sorts of imaginings running through your head.

But, I must say that this book has helped me gain insight to my feelings, and give me direction as to how to positively apply my energy to my relationship with my... what... husband? I can't say that is what he'll be in a month's time... Sadly I can't say as yet that I am convinced that it will save my marriage, but it has saved me. It isn't only about loving someone else. It's teaching me how to love myself. 

Two people form a marriage. And while I do see that there has been some improvement in how my husband is treating me, I think we have come to the conclusion that we do better as the best of friends, than as spouses. There are too many psychological issues at the moment that he needs to deal with, that don't draw him to me when he needs love and appreciation as a man. It's not that he doesn't get it from me, it's just that he doesn't see it, because to him, I'm a maternal figure...


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## created4success

Marley said:


> I'm on Day 7, and it's been really, really hard. The Patience, the kindness, the thoughtfulness... Especially the "is not"'s... selfish, rude or irritable. Today is "believes the best"...


Yeah, I thought that LD would be a lot easier to apply. But if you really do the work, you'll see the results. I know that we did.



> 3 weeks after finding out about an affair with a woman he sees every day, a woman that he shares office space with... It's hard not to still be angry, irritable, having all sorts of imaginings running through your head.


Definitely not cool: I'm so sorry. You seem to have retained a good attitude, in spite of what happened. 

*How's the forgiveness part coming?*



> But, I must say that this book has helped me gain insight to my feelings, and give me direction as to how to positively apply my energy to my relationship with my... what... husband? I can't say that is what he'll be in a month's time... Sadly I can't say as yet that I am convinced that it will save my marriage, but it has saved me. It isn't only about loving someone else. It's teaching me how to love myself.


I think you've learned some incredibly valuable lessons from the Love Dare, despite where you choose to go in your marriage. It seems that you're more focused on changing you, and understanding that you are lovable, which is a huge step in this lifetime!

I would encourage you to finish the LD (if you haven't already) and look at salvaging your marriage.


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## finallyseewhy

I started the dare 3 days ago after I finally hurt my husband for what was looking like the last time. I will say that I am already noticing little things but he is also sort of freaked out too....which I can completely understand why. 

I was not going to tell him what I was doing and just begged him to give me another chance and just trust me but I think I am going to tell him tonight because I have to give him a reason to trust me and that his is not yet again another way to manipulate him like I have for the past 11 years. 

One thing I have been really surprised by even just 3 days in how much I am learning about myself and that I NEEDED TO BE FIXED not him  I was bitter because I was unhappy with myself not the other way around. 

I am sort of struggling on what to do about day 4. I have a 'problem' calling him over and over at work and pretty much just disrupting his day because of it. I did sort of do that today NOT calling and waited till the end and then texted him to see if I could make him something to eat and run to the bank so he didn't have too.


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## created4success

finallyseewhy said:


> I started the dare 3 days ago after I finally hurt my husband for what was looking like the last time. I will say that I am already noticing little things but he is also sort of freaked out too....which I can completely understand why.
> 
> I was not going to tell him what I was doing and just begged him to give me another chance and just trust me but I think I am going to tell him tonight because I have to give him a reason to trust me and that his is not yet again another way to manipulate him like I have for the past 11 years.
> 
> One thing I have been really surprised by even just 3 days in how much I am learning about myself and that I NEEDED TO BE FIXED not him  I was bitter because I was unhappy with myself not the other way around.
> 
> I am sort of struggling on what to do about day 4. I have a 'problem' calling him over and over at work and pretty much just disrupting his day because of it. I did sort of do that today NOT calling and waited till the end and then texted him to see if I could make him something to eat and run to the bank so he didn't have too.


FSW:

I wanted to encourage you to keep going: what you're doing is awesome and you're so on the right track! :smthumbup:

Great idea 2 text him instead; what re: email to his personal address? Perhaps when he has time to check it he can -- and be touched by your message -- on his own time without being distracted at work.

The self-discovery work you're doing and what you're learning about yourself will also be invaluable to you in the future.


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## finallyseewhy

Well my H moved out on Day 9  He was almost scared of my changes....but with that said a lot of other things happen too it has been a very hurtful last 3 days! 

Well tonight he texted me and said that he is scared my changes are real and he made a mistake. I will say I am glad for the dare because it brought be back from a spiritual path(that is a whole different post)


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## finallyseewhy

Well my H moved out on Day 9  He was almost scared of my changes....but with that said a lot of other things happen too it has been a very hurtful last 3 days! 

Well tonight he texted me and said that he is scared my changes are real and he made a mistake. I will say I am glad for the dare because it brought be back from a spiritual path(that is a whole different post)


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## Danielson67

The Love Dare is an amazing system... because of it's simplicity. If you put into daily practice what it teaches you will see a transformation in your own life and in your marriage. One of the most powerful concepts it brings out is the James 1:19 principle, "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." If you are diligent to apply this in your communication with your spouse each day you will experience a wonderful transformation... 
YOU must apply it though... God's not gonna miraculously fix things in your marriage - He's given us the tools (His Word) and He expects us to use them. When we do, that's when the miracles take place. Simply stated, they just work! If you're on the fence about the Love Dare, it's a no-brainer, Just Do It!


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## striving

Holy cow this drew a lot of responses and views!

I've tried Love Dare and have gotten up to about Day 6 maybe three or four times before I get discouraged (again and again) and give up.  Not much perseverance on my part, I know! But I get fed up and just plain don't WANT to do the things in the book. It's hard. I don't feel love for him. I try to remind myself that part of love is a decision, not a feeling. Still hard.

And again I'm at a point where I don't know if I should pick it up and try yet again or just keep wallowing in misery and hopelessness.


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## freshstart

Hi Striving...Boy can I relate to you on the trying and stopping part. Surprisingly, I still love my husband and I hope that never goes away. I do start implementing things and like this past 2 weeks, I'v implemented new things and have been better and today my husband states that he notices my changes in one breath and the other says he didn't notice any changes. I have no patience for his constant contradictions so that's when I stop because I see that h is not noticing the changes but for some reason this time around since I made a commitment to stay...I will not let him discourage me from doing what I have to do anymore....its tough but I need to persevere and so do you.....let's do this and knock the devil off his feet for trying to discourage us from serving our purpose. We should stay in touch to support each other through this trial.


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## Clarence Rutherford

> Originally Posted by *sarah.rslp*
> I have heard about it, but there are crticisms that its more interested in promoting religion than saving marraiges. The steps sound pretty generic to a hundred other self help books on the market, at the end of the day if you want to look after your marraige you have to do it yourself not look to some god to do it for you





cbol2 said:


> The point of the book is that God outlines principles in the bible for having a healthy marriage. Following those principles save a marriage.
> 
> You can't criticize a book or a God that you haven't given a moment of your time to learn/read about.. otherwise all your arguments are based in ignorant assumptions.


Agree.
The picking fights with the OP two posters engaged in (one of which seemed rude if not hostile) was unnecessary as well. Certainly not in the spirit of the thread and this section of the board.


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## striving

Geeez I dont know. Take now, for example. Just got off the phone with him. He often calls from work at night only to argue or fire accusatory questions at me. I ask him how about if we go to an upcoming marriage conference. He said there's no point to those conferences - we already heard the material once (we went 3 yrs ago), so there's no point, he says.

I'm so tired of taking all the initiatives. And I hate how we, as humans, are so driven by reciprocation!! Why?!! Why can't we just give and give and give and be HAPPY with a smile on our face when we're slapped in the face in return? If I could do that, then I could keep plugging along with something like Love Dare, and I could actually get past day 6! But when I'm slammed by hurt from a guy who wants everything easy without making any efforts whatsoever...how can I get up the next day smiling and do Day 7?! Sadly I'm at the point where I don't see any hope. Hope in Christ, yes. Hope in my marriage or my husband (or even myself), no.

He won't agree to go to the conference and then he starts asking me to end the conversation with some word to lift him up. That's just how he is...if you knew him, you would see...so full of himself and always demanding more of me to give to him, without him lifting a finger. I couldnt' even tell you how many love notes I've written him. How almost every day of the week for the past 11+ years I've made him two, often three hot meals, asked him out to coffee, called to say I love you, brought him a gift (yes, Love Dare stuff...even before I read the book), all the while taking the very last place in his life as he puts everyone else first (he's a pastor).

And now I am blabbering on and on because I'm alone, it's late, and the wound is fresh.


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## freshstart

Boy this sounds all too familiar...just minus the pastoring part. I will pray that things will get better for you. To help you get through, i would highly recommend you reading a book called: Created to be Hs Help Meet by Debi Pearl (if you already have not heard of it). It always puts me back in perspective everytime I decide to read it. In my opinion, it's way better than The Love Dare. I actually have to read this book everytime I get discouraged in this marriage. In fact, I need to break it out and read it now.


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## symphonious

My husband and I are going to start it together (he's going to start his a few days after I start mine so we're not on the same thing every day). I ordered the books last night.

I'm looking forward to trying it especially together because this is really the first major step he's taking to really wanting to work things out. We're still together, but there are some lingering issues- he's not attracted to me anymore, he was infidelitous, eh. Stuff like that.

He hasn't officially decided to follow Christ (he's an agnostic at best- he comes from a background of extreme Muslim followers, which turned him off on religion completely), but he IS going to church with me and going to other events (he went with me to chaperone the youth group last night) and most importantly, when I explained the Love Dare to him he immediately said he would do it with me- so I'm cautiously optimistic. Or, as my friend said on Facebook, maybe 'prayerfully optimistic'!


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## once again

Marley said:


> I'm on Day 7, and it's been really, really hard. The Patience, the kindness, the thoughtfulness... Especially the "is not"'s... selfish, rude or irritable. Today is "believes the best"...
> 
> 3 weeks after finding out about an affair with a woman he sees every day, a woman that he shares office space with... It's hard not to still be angry, irritable, having all sorts of imaginings running through your head.
> 
> But, I must say that this book has helped me gain insight to my feelings, and give me direction as to how to positively apply my energy to my relationship with my... what... husband? I can't say that is what he'll be in a month's time... Sadly I can't say as yet that I am convinced that it will save my marriage, but it has saved me. It isn't only about loving someone else. It's teaching me how to love myself.
> 
> Two people form a marriage. And while I do see that there has been some improvement in how my husband is treating me, I think we have come to the conclusion that we do better as the best of friends, than as spouses. There are too many psychological issues at the moment that he needs to deal with, that don't draw him to me when he needs love and appreciation as a man. It's not that he doesn't get it from me, it's just that he doesn't see it, because to him, I'm a maternal figure...


I am currently in your similar situation can you tell me if you followed this for 40 days. If so can you tell me your outcome. Part of me wants my husband to do this but I don't think he will so I am thinking of doing this. Please let me know.


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## cb45

i think it'll work IF, u've spent yerself on the anger side.

spent as in finished, that is.

IF not, then oops, its gonna "leak out" and mess things up.

suggest all spend their anger out somewhat, if not all.

frustration/angers hard to "bottle up" for long.

selah.


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## luckycardinal

Someone gave me that book a few years ago and I gave it to Goodwill. Hate to sound mean, but if my husband isn't going to treat me with respect I'm not going out of my way to "dare" myself to love him even more. I already show love (don't love him romantically at all but as a person I've known for a long time and the father of my children) by working every day, paying all his bills, keeping a roof over his head and his kids taken care of, so it's time he started "daring" himself to love me more.

I can see where the Love Dare would work for couples who already have a decent marriage but need to improve things or for people who are already respected by their spouses but just want to add that extra little something to their marriage. But, I think that catering to someone who already gets away with too much will just give them license to continue their bad behavior. "Give them an inch and they'll take a mile." They need to be told they're doing wrong and held accountable for it - doing a "love dare" with these people would be like rewarding them for the wrong behavior.


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