# Wife made a joke about my premature ejaculation during an argument



## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

First post here. My wife and I got into an argument last night. The argument started over something simple enough,(me leaving an entire load of laundry in the dryer before I leave for work in the morning, with the exception of my work uniform)The argument went on to more serious things, and at one point during the argument she made a sort of pun about my premature ejaculation issues. Nothing we were discussing was sex related. I just sort of paused after she made the remark.That is an issue we've never really discussed. It was pretty surprising to hear her bring it up. We've had arguments before and she never went there. This has been bugging me ever since last night when she made the comment. Should I take it to heart? Am I making too big about this? Am I right to take her remark seriously?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I would certainly have a sit down talk with the wife. That pun just did not come out of the blue. It sounds like it could be something that is bothering her and it took the argument for her to bring it up. As for you, have you discussed your issue with your family doctor? Some anti anxiety / anti depressant medications have the side effect of delaying ejaculation, such that they are prescribed just for that issue. The AA/AD med I just started taking has that side effect (too much delay), and I am going off that med just to eliminate that side effect. My doctor did warn me of that before I started taking it.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> As for you, have you discussed your issue with your family doctor?


No, not at all. Never even thought about that. And I've never considered taking drugs or anything of that sort, either.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Very poor form on her behalf, talk this one out and find out what the real issue is.

But it begs the question, why have you not discussed the PE issues? Surely that is an important thing for a couple to talk about?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Frank Sc said:


> No, not at all. Never even thought about that. And I've never considered taking drugs or anything of that sort, either.


You should find out what the problem is.

But that doesn't excuse her making a joke about it. That's pretty crappy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Even if true, that's a horrible way to bring it up. Could it be true and something recently caused her to notice, like a girl friend bragging or worse. Has there been a change recently in your relationship.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

Holland said:


> Very poor form on her behalf, talk this one out and find out what the real issue is.
> 
> But it begs the question, why have you not discussed the PE issues? Surely that is an important thing for a couple to talk about?


Well Ill have to be honest here and say that it never occurred to me to bring it up as a topic of discussion.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Frank Sc said:


> Well Ill have to be honest here and say that it never occurred to me to bring it up as a topic of discussion.


Then it's a good thing that you posted your story here.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Frank Sc said:


> ....My wife and I got into an argument last night.
> 
> ....The argument went on to more serious things, and at one point during the argument she made a sort of pun about my premature ejaculation issues.
> 
> ...


You really do need to find out what was going on. While I would hypothesize one of two things, you really should find out, even if it is something else.

(1) She was trying to make a joke and did a horrible job of it. Sometimes folks try to be funny and they embarrass others or themselves.

(2) She was trying to escalate the fight. Sometimes my wife would escalate a fight when she thought she was loosing an argument or when she didn't want to fight fairly. Sometimes she escalated a fight by doing something to make me emotionally flood so I would be incapable of calmly discussing the situation.

In either event, you should carefully discuss this with her. What she said obviously bothers you. Tell her politely. Tell her you don't want her to do things that emotionally drive you away from her and comments like that could. Tell her that while she may or may not have meant it that way, you took it as a rude, disrespectful comment and you expect better from her. 

Tell her that if she was sincere in her frustration, then the two of you need to work on discussing this as her comments bother you.

May I suggest that you read Gottmans book the Art and Science of Love where he discusses the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), which he uses to predict divorce. 

Predicting Divorce: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse | World of Psychology


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

jsmart said:


> Even if true, that's a horrible way to bring it up. Could it be true and something recently caused her to notice, like a girl friend bragging or worse. Has there been a change recently in your relationship.


 No there has not been any significant changes in our relationship. We argue but probably no more frequently than many other couples.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Does she have a history of throwing zingers; a sharp toungue?

some people use this to ash out. Its part of their inner dissastisfaction that bubbles to the surface and manafests as mean statements that sting your very soul.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's a low blow. Look. As a guy and I'm sure there's a ton of guys out there that this has happened to. Some will admit to it and some wont. The point is when you bring it up in a argument it was meant to hurt and not help.

I would let her know that she got away with it once and you'll let it slide but if it happens again the it would be just as easy for you to slam her with a underhanded comment about her body and believe me it it goes there then the lack of respect just went out the window.

Let her know that if she needs to talk to you about it then do it in a way where it's not a dig on you and your manhood but make sure that she understands that her comment hurt and won't be tolerated again


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's never occurred to you that PE might make sex less enjoyable for her?

Seems like that might be a big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Maybe your penis is just in a hurry to get out of her.

Seriously....go see your doctor. NOW. Cause....its bugging her


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

technovelist said:


> You should find out what the problem is.
> 
> But that doesn't excuse her making a joke about it. That's pretty crappy.


Agree and will add that she's actually pissed off at you for something else. This is a symptom of a deeper wound.

You need to investigate as well as pick your moment to tell her that her comment hurt you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sapientia said:


> Agree and will add that she's actually pissed off at you for something else. This is a symptom of a deeper wound.
> 
> You need to investigate as well as pick your moment to tell her that her comment hurt you.


Not necessarily, she could well be po'd that he's not that concerned about her sex life.

That's a big deal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Maybe your penis is just in a hurry to get out of her.
> 
> Seriously....go see your doctor. NOW. Cause....its bugging her


The two of you need to sit down and work this out,it can not do any good to Let it stand.It sounds like a cheap shot below the belt,no pun intended.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

There are lots of things that can be done to delay ejaculation, but many involve both partners.

This points to a bigger issue of communication and openness in your marriage.

She should've bring this up to you in a loving way as s spouse trying to improve your guys sec life. You should be bringing this up as a guy interested in improving your sex life as a couple.

I think you guys should talk about ways of asking what you can do for each other, and telling the other what you would like improved. You both have to make it safe to talk about hard issues with each other.

Btw I can not imagine having ANY sexual disfunction that I wouldn't immediately share with my wife and vice versa. We're all about maximizing each other's enjoyment.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Remember, before some of the replies bother you, all of us here have our own issues and problems that may bleed through in our advice and color our assumptions. 

What do you do for your wife to make up for the P.E?
How long has the P.E. been occurring?
When is the quickest time you can see you see a doctor about the issue?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Not necessarily, she could well be po'd that he's not that concerned about her sex life.
> 
> That's a big deal
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe. But below the belt comments out of left field are usually something more.

Conjecture, either way. He needs to ask to know for sure.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like shes been unhappy about it for awhile. she didn't want to hurt your feelings about it so she probably has been faking for years. look up some videos on how to give a woman an orgasm theres a ton of stuff out there. Then without acting like a wounded cry baby just bring it up. ask her if she is satisfied and tell her that her being sexually fulfilled is important to you. 

you could introduce some toys to the foreplay


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Do u make sure she cums before you enter her?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

If you know what you are doing you won't need any toys


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Okguy said:


> If you know what you are doing you won't need any toys


Wow that is complete BS. Every woman gets to decide what works best for them. Toys are fine - often preferred - for an orgasm. To each his own. An man who is afraid to let a woman prefer a toy for achieving an orgasm is a true lughead.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I never said forbid. I said if a guy knows what he is doing toys are not required.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okguy said:


> I never said forbid. I said if a guy knows what he is doing toys are not required.


He didn't say they were required either. He said your original comment was BS.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

What comment?


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> You really do need to find out what was going on. While I would hypothesize one of two things, you really should find out, even if it is something else.
> 
> (1) She was trying to make a joke and did a horrible job of it. Sometimes folks try to be funny and they embarrass others or themselves.
> 
> ...


I'd add
3) There are times during intercourse where maybe she hoped for longer intimacy but is still happy with the action. She knows that men can be sensitive about sex. 

As a woman I know there are a few "absolutely, never-ever-ever say, mention or comment" rules in our super secret woman book. Sorry, I can't divulge more. 

Basically, I would never, ever, ever comment on my husband's penis size during intercourse. 

If my husband is curious how he measures against other lovers I have had. I just don't engage. 

What my point is, she may have some thoughts or additional needs about intercourse, but she's been uncomfortable mentioning it for fear of hurting your feelings. 

During the argument, she got her feelings hurt (whether you intentionally meant to hurt her feelings or not, it doesn't matter, I can guarantee at some point during said argument, you hurt her feelings). Once you hurt her feelings, the gloves came off and she felt free to say something that might hurt you. 

She should not have said it. It was bad-form. It was said in that moment to be a hurtful action. However, obviously, there is some underlying facet of truth to it that it actually is something bothering her about you. 

I would recommend bringing it up to her. I wouldn't necessarily focus on the fight. Instead, I'd say that you did notice she referred to sex and it got your attention. You care about her. you care about the sex life, blah blah blah and you'd like to have a reality check about sex. Is she satisfied, is she needing something else? Both of you get a free card to openly discuss sex.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Going way back to the beginning. I have never had an argument with my wife about leaving laundry in the dryer. I Know it is annoying, It annoys me about as much as when she leaves it in the basket. We have had a few arguments about how to fold towels. But never a heated or escalated argument. In fact she has decided that if I fold the towels she doesn't give a Rats az how it is folded. I have decided that if I don't like seeing laundry in a basket, I know how to take care of it. Because I'm not her Child I'm her Adult partner. Adults can feed themselves, do their laundry without nagging, and make their own Dr. appointments. Don't be the Child.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Okguy said:


> What comment?


Your incredibly silly comment about toys. "Knowing what you're doing" has nothing to do with a woman's orgasms. It's "me focused" attitudes like this that cause women to fake orgasms because your ego is clearly tied to your penis, and most women are sensitive enough to see this and wouldn't want to bruise your ego by being honest about their orgasms.

Please do some research! You can have a perfectly upward curved oddity of a penis and rock hard abs from all the porn star moves and if your lady only orgasms from clitoral stimulation (like a very large percentage of women), then your Johnson on her hand or mouth and a favorite vibrator controlled by her might give her more pleasure than you could ever provide yourself.

Other women might have no interest in toys and prefer you. Some orgasm from breast stimulation alone and a few lucky women can with no stimulation at all other than erotic literature or a mans )or woman's) presence.

A good lover will find what she likes and give her that - and it may not be the penis at all...


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Good grief. My sole point was that in my experience I have always been able to bring any woman I've been with to orgasm without toys. Now of course some women may need them. Have at it:+1:?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Think OP is coming back?

Maybe he's at the doctor's office. 

We can hope, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

And I never said it was the penis.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Okguy said:


> Good grief. My sole point was that in my experience I have always been able to bring any woman I've been with to orgasm without toys. Now of course some women may need them. Have at it:+1:?


That wasn't your point. Your point was toys aren't needed if a man is good enough. I just called bu115hit that's all.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You do realize this is a thread about a guy with PE, don't you? And that 20% of men are never able to achieve an erection sufficient for intercourse after prostate surgery. And that - if you live long enough - most men and women will encounter some sort of prostate or "women's plumbing"  issues at some point in their lives. And that sexual fulfillment is very, very important to many couples, and a whole host of options and assistive technologies are available to help.

A lot of men, instead of pursuing all of the help available, avoid the issue because they've heard bull crap like you are spewing and the are emasculated and embarrassed. Instead we should be able to openly talk about the tools and techniques available to help without shame or negative stereotypes.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Lol and dude I am considered the Neanderthal at times - but man I'm a renaissance man compared to you


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Again it was a personal opinion from personal experience. and I don't need you to tell me how important sex is in marriage.


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## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

are you doing other things for her , oral sex , alot of foreplay before you put your penis in , perhaps then she will be ready for pe , just a thought !!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Frank Sc said:


> The argument went on to more serious things, and at one point during the argument she made a sort of pun about my premature ejaculation issues.


Maybe you she tell her to cum faster next time...

You're getting yours so whose "issue" is it really?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Amen Jetzon :+1::sunglasses:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Frank Sc said:


> First post here. My wife and I got into an argument last night. The argument started over something simple enough,(me leaving an entire load of laundry in the dryer before I leave for work in the morning, with the exception of my work uniform)The argument went on to more serious things, and at one point during the argument she made a sort of pun about my premature ejaculation issues. Nothing we were discussing was sex related. I just sort of paused after she made the remark.That is an issue we've never really discussed. It was pretty surprising to hear her bring it up. We've had arguments before and she never went there. This has been bugging me ever since last night when she made the comment. Should I take it to heart? Am I making too big about this? Am I right to take her remark seriously?


Yes, 
It is a big issue. You need to "fix" that problem asap. Maybe she has been wanting to speak about it and just had a Freudian moment. I would speak with your doctor. I used to have this issue and it really bothered me. My wife was very supportive, yet this (I believe) was one of the reasons why our sex life went south.

It's amazing how much more she gets into sex now. Gotta keep it rock hard for as long as it takes. I am 53 years old, borderline diabetic and had a serious heart attack 8 years ago. If I can tame the monster, so can you!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Okguy said:


> Again it was a personal opinion from personal experience. and I don't need you to tell me how important sex is in marriage.


Thank you for your comments and insight, which doubtless will be of immense help to the OP with his PE.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Look, obviously if she addressed it with you in a loving manner as a concern of hers because she loves you than I think it's very important that you seek medical treatment with her support to get it fixed because sex IS important.

But if she's going to come at you like a fvcking b!tch and insult your manhood then you need to put her in her damn place. Don't let her kick you in the proverbial balls and just sit there and take it. It's weak and she will lose respect for you. She already is starting to because of the PE. That insult was a sh!t test. Man up bro, then when she sincerely apologizes you can have a serious conversation about it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Truth your sarcasm is greatly appreciated.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell her her ass is fat.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> Tell her her ass is fat.


IDK these days that might be a complement. Ya know it's all about the bass...


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Right. A complement. Right.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Frank Sc said:


> Well Ill have to be honest here and say that it never occurred to me to bring it up as a topic of discussion.


Hmmm... This could be the problem, OP. If you and your W aren't discussing the issue of PE, perhaps she's trying to address it in a passive aggressive manner? Not good, I know, but when things are brushed under the carpet and not discussed, sooner or later we start to fall over the bump they make.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Wait a sec. You have PE, you never discussed it with your Dr and neither you nor your wife brought it up as a topic ever in the marriage? Shame on your wife for not addressing the issue with you earlier, because obviously it would be a big deal to her unless she has a low or non existent sex drive and your PE would be a blessing to someone like that.

But in the real world, no one should be content to live life with it nor have to put up with PE without at least trying to address it. That is all on you my friend. 

Before we go to much further, how long do you really last? I think 5 min is not atypical if that your typical time to blast off. If you're under 90 seconds, then that is something more objective.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

The question of how long any guy lasts depends a lot on how much stimulation goes on before penetration


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> What do you do for your wife to make up for the P.E?
> How long has the P.E. been occurring?


Well I do give her oral sex before intercourse on occasion. As far as how long I've been having the P.E. issue that's somewhat of a tough question to answer. I would say that I've never really lasted for a really long time at point during our relationship/marriage. The only time I last for a while is when I go for about 30 seconds, then stop for a while, then go again for 30 seconds then stop, and so on.Most of the sex we've been having over the past year or so has been in the morning just before I leave for work. It usually is pretty quick, and honestly there was probably only once or twice during those morning sex sessions where I pleasured her beforehand.
.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, first it was underhanded and low, don't listen to the protestations it was not. That said, oral on occasion? You need to stop believing the hype, some women tell, about sex not being that important to females. Your post kind of smacks of that belief. It may not be thought about as often as some men, but you found out the emasculating way your sex is terrible and it is important to your wife.

Go talk to your doctor, get some literature, sit down and have a serious conversation with your wife. Yes, you are hurt, but hash this out. You are being a poor lover if you get off all the time and she gets it occasionally. No, do not bring up her toys or masturbation because it is not the same. I would not be surprised if she feels like a toy herself, for your pleasure.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Frank Sc said:


> I would say that I've never really lasted for a really long time at point during our relationship/marriage.
> .


There are lots of things you can do.

Tips For Curing Premature Ejaculation - AskMen

Premature ejaculation Treatments and drugs - Mayo Clinic

Have you tried any of them with your wife or talked to your doctor about any of them? You really should talk to her about this and maybe show her some articles/techniques and ask for her support or help.

Good luck.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Go talk to your doctor, get some literature, sit down and have a serious conversation with your wife.


53 comments summarized in one great sentence. Good luck OP.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sorry but I am completely confused. Does this summarize it:

- You typically last 30 seconds unless you start and stop to last longer.

- You've never discussed this with a doctor.

- You've never discussed this with your wife.

- you rarely add oral for your wife

- You've never looked up any resources on your own

- Your wife hasn't introduced toys or anything else into your sessions for her pleasure.

If this is true you might want to even forgo a regular doctor and see a sex therapist. I did that for sexual / emotional response issues and it worked out well. She was very professional and knowledgable and of course completely non-judgmental.

She likes a site called the Sinclair Institute for DVDs they have of real and normal couples talking about sex and performing the acts they talk about. I was thinking of ordering some DVDs to check them out - might be something interesting for my wife and I'm raising several kids so it would be good to know if these are good resources.

You absolutely should address this for yourself and your relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*First off, get yourself to a urologist to help determine exactly what your PE problem is!

Most importantly though, you must arrange a "Come to Jesus Meeting," and find out from your W, exactly what the impetus is for her "joke!"

Nobody should ever try to evoke a few cheap laughs over someone else's medical maladies!

Your W included!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Frank Sc said:


> Well I do give her oral sex before intercourse on occasion. As far as how long I've been having the P.E. issue that's somewhat of a tough question to answer. I would say that I've never really lasted for a really long time at point during our relationship/marriage. The only time I last for a while is when I go for about 30 seconds, then stop for a while, then go again for 30 seconds then stop, and so on.Most of the sex we've been having over the past year or so has been in the morning just before I leave for work. It usually is pretty quick, and honestly there was probably only once or twice during those morning sex sessions where I pleasured her beforehand.
> .


So out of a year or so of sex you have only given her an orgasm once or twice? 
No wonder she's cranky!

I think a bigger issue is WHY you didn't think your wife deserved as many Os and as much pleasure as you do? You should offer her an O every single time, if she says "no thank you" then you can go about your thing.
She probably feels quite used, not cared for. 
Is this a general dismissing of her in every part of your marriage? 

Simply fixing your PE _now _isn't going to fix everything if there has been resentment built up. You'll need to talk about it and listen to her if she is upset about this, talk about what you can do to fix it, apologize. 
Resentment can spill over to everything else. Honestly, I'm shocked she's even still having sex with you at this point.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Unless I missed, he never says how long he has been married or how long its been like this.
he says something about 'for last year or so', but its not entirely clear what changed if anything.

If they are relative newlyweds it does make a bit of difference.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> Unless I missed, he never says how long he has been married or how long its been like this.
> he says something about 'for last year or so', but its not entirely clear what changed if anything.
> 
> If they are relative newlyweds it does make a bit of difference.


Thanks to everyone for all the responses.Married for 5 years,together for 6.As I explained I can't say that I've lasted for a long time at any point in the relationship. As far as what I have tried to fix the issue, I've tried a couple things. The first was the whole starting then stopping thing, which does prolong sex but as I said that's the only way I can go for decent amount of time. At one point we were actually using condoms due to a medical issue on her part and those actually prolonged the sex by about a minute or so. Also for the people who have insulated that I'm selfish, we both live really complicated and hectic work lives. Sex isn't necessarily at the top of our lists. When we started having the quickie type sex she didn't really seem to mind much. I guess it became sort a routine.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Frank Sc said:


> Well* I do give her oral sex before intercourse on occasion*. As far as how long I've been having the P.E. issue that's somewhat of a tough question to answer. I would say that* I've never really lasted for a really long time at point during our relationship/marriage. The only time I last for a while is when I go for about 30 seconds, then stop for a while, then go again for 30 seconds then stop,* and so on.Most of the sex we've been having over the past year or so has been in the morning just before I leave for work. *It usually is pretty quick, and honestly there was probably only once or twice during those morning sex sessions where I pleasured her beforehand.*
> .


As hurtful as your W's comment might have been, I would find the above equally as hurtful... It would leave me feeling used and unloved if my SO ignored my physical needs this way, and I would stop having sex with him.

Truly, OP... You and your W need to discuss the problem, seek professional help and get some romance back in your relationship before this issue destroys your marriage. There is nothing to be ashamed of whatsover in seeking help.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

Cosmos said:


> As hurtful as your W's comment might have been (what was it, BTW?), I would find the above very hurtful, too. I would feel used and unimportant if my SO ignored my physical needs this way...
> 
> Truly, OP... You and your W need to discuss the problem, seek professional help and get some romance back in your relationship before this issue destroys your marriage. There is nothing to be ashamed of whatsover.


Well I pointed out to her that since she wants to nitpick me, she doesn't always vacuum the house or take the dishes out the dishwasher. Things I really don't care a whole lot about honestly. But then she said, "Well that's because I'm tired! "And being an idiot and smart alec I guess, my reply was "Yeah,I know, too tired to (Bleep)your husband"...I won't say exactly how she responded, but she did refer to me as a (bleeping) minute man". As I stated earlier, we were also arguing about more serious things and I'm not completely comfortable going all the way into the whole conversation, but you asked what she said,so....


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Frank Sc said:


> Well I pointed out to her that since she wants to nitpick me, she doesn't always vacuum the house or take the dishes out the dishwasher. Things I really don't care a whole lot about honestly. But then she said, "Well that's because I'm tired! "And being an idiot and smart alec I guess, my reply was "Yeah,I know, too tired to (Bleep)your husband"...I won't say exactly how she responded, but she did refer to me as a (bleeping) minute man". As I stated earlier, we were also arguing about more serious things and I'm not completely comfortable going all the way into the whole conversation, but you asked what she said,so....


OP, when there are problems with the sex in a relationship, often a couple will skirt around it and discuss / argue about everything but.

It's my guess that your W was resentful of your comment that:-



> "Yeah,I know, too tired to (Bleep)your husband"


Particularly as:-



> Most of the sex we've been having over the past year or so has been in the morning just before I leave for work. It usually is pretty quick, and honestly there was probably only once or twice during those morning sex sessions where I pleasured her beforehand.


You really need to get this issue sorted out before it wrecks your marriage, OP.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Since you won't tell us the initial argument, we can only guess. You took it to the sex angle so, you only have yourself to blame. Whatever was serious in your argument, you escalated it to the point you were insulted. You guys need marriage counseling, help with communication and you need to see a doctor about the P.E.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

"When we started having the quickie type sex" 

Because of the topic, you could have worded that a little less like a pun. Frank my man, cut the start/stop, and all this other crap that you've proven doesn't work worth a shyt, and go get the doctor to prescribe some paxil. After a week or so of taking it, she'll never refer to you as the minute man again. (you were kinda asking for it with your wise crack about her being too tire to F you.)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Frank Sc said:


> "Yeah,I know, too tired to (Bleep)your husband"...I won't say exactly how she responded, but she did refer to me as a (bleeping) minute man".


Really, I can't blame her. Here you've only thought of HER sexual needs a couple times in the last year or so and are complaining about your own which she has already done much more often than you have her?

The PE wouldn't be such a big issue if you made sure she got an O regardless. Before, after, stop and do it in the middle... whatever works for you guys, you have hands, mouth, get some sex toys- lots of foreplay too. Kissing, touching, etc, not just her vagina and breasts. 
Most women can't O with PIV anyway so get creative, going longer wouldn't solve the issue if you aren't making sure her needs are taken care of in another way.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> "When we started having the quickie type sex"
> 
> Because of the topic, you could have worded that a little less like a pun. Frank my man, cut the start/stop, and all this other crap that you've proven doesn't work worth a shyt, and go get the doctor to prescribe some paxil. After a week or so of taking it, she'll never refer to you as the minute man again. (you were kinda asking for it with your wise crack about her being too tire to F you.)


With respect, Paxil is renowned for causing ED in men and loss of libido in women... Unless the OP is seriously depressed, he shouldn't even consider an antidepressant.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

First...I'm really surprised so many people have suggested seeing a doctor about PE. Doctor's don't know about that kind of stuff, it is not a medical issue. If a male doctor had researched for himself ways to deal with PE, or if he took extra sex therapist type training, he might know a little about the topic. Or a urologist might. But most GP's don't know sh*t about sexuality. Again, just surprised so many people have said it.

To Frank...really your wife zinged you because you first zinger her with the remark about not having enough time to "bleep" her husband...and because it was in response to that zing, I'm sure she actually meant it. She was telling you that she doesn't enjoy one minute wonder sex, plain and simple.

It does show quite a bit of selfishness that you have never even thought of this before.

Basically, all men start out in puberty with extreme PE. Then over time, most of them learn to have a little more and a little more control, via masturbation and/or sexual experience. By the time men are in their mid-20's (if they are sexually active), most of them have realized how important it is to not go off quickly when having sex with a woman because if they do, she won't get anything out of it. So they take the amount of control they have so far, and work on it a little more and a little more until eventually, they can last much longer than the original 30 seconds or less. Though most of them still can get off that fast if they want to, they don't usually do so with a partner, if they give a crap about her experience, anyway.

How old are you and are you inexperienced?

But to the point...PE can be overcome with effort and deliberate intention on your part.

A friend of mine's husband had PE and they handled it together brilliantly. They just simply did it twice. They would get going and he'd go off in 1 or 2 minutes. Then they'd clean up a little and he would take care of her in various ways, then this would get him aroused again within a short time and they'd go a second time. The second time would last much longer, sometimes 20 minutes or more. In total though, they spent a good 40 minutes making love to each other twice and both got fulfilled. 

Can you go a second time? This is something to consider.

Not sure you really understand what it means to take care of her and focus on her, though, or that you really even want to.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There's also this system, that would make all men have more control and even more pleasure, but also helps with PE issues. Watch the short video in "how it works", it explains the process.

Kegel Exercises for Men | Sexual Enhancement | The Private Gym


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

never anything so true as a comment said in jest. go with "do we have a problem?"


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> *First...I'm really surprised so many people have suggested seeing a doctor about PE.* Doctor's don't know about that kind of stuff, it is not a medical issue. If a male doctor had researched for himself ways to deal with PE, or if he took extra sex therapist type training, he might know a little about the topic. Or a urologist might. *But most GP's don't know sh*t about sexuality. Again, just surprised so many people have said it*.


I mentioned it because where I live you wouldn't get near a sex therapist or counsellor without seeing a GP first. Perhaps it's different where the OP lives, but here they like to rule out any physical causes before referring patients for therapy. :wink2:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> First...I'm really surprised so many people have suggested seeing a doctor about PE. Doctor's don't know about that kind of stuff, it is not a medical issue. If a male doctor had researched for himself ways to deal with PE, or if he took extra sex therapist type training, he might know a little about the topic. Or a urologist might. But most GP's don't know sh*t about sexuality. Again, just surprised so many people have said it.


This is an over generalized statement without any references to support. My GP is very good and before prescribing lowest dosage Zoloft we talked in length about the delayed ejaculation side effects, and any affect on libido. It cannot hurt for OP to talk to his GP to at least hear options (not just drug options) available for him to make best decisions for this situation. The GP is typically the starting point and he/she will referred to other specialist as needed.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Maybe I have missed it but OP have you said if you know whether or not your wife is satisfied with her sex life? You seem so vague about all of this. Do you care if your wife is sexually fulfilled?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

to lighten things up, even though a serious issue for OP; 

my friends' brother once said in order to last longer while having sex with whomever (he was a bachelor who
partook company with different women), he would think about fishing or hunting while having sex.
he said it worked for him and made him last 'long time'.

not sure this would work for a lot of people. i would think in fact that thinking about something like fishing would cause 
things to sag quickly. I never tried it, because i don't have the particular problem.
but maybe something to think about for those who can stay hard without any problem (viagra?).

i'll just add to what everyone else is saying: dude, don't ignore this problem. sex is important and keeping your wife happy is too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think the problem will be solved by lasting longer. 
It'll just end up being longer bad sex and she'll want it over with ASAP to get on with her day. 

First he needs to change the way he looks at sex, make it a mutual thing, fun for both of them, Os for both of them. Then he can deal with making it longer IMO. If he doesn't think about her sexual needs now, he's not going to just because he can last an extra couple of minutes and that time isn't going to do a thing for her if he's not doing other things to get her there.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Funny how these threads bring out a variety of opinions on sex (and the OP usually doesn't respond much). 

One day this week I had let my wife sleep through the night instead of our usual night time fun. We were both awake very early but didn't realize the other was; when we did we had a pleasant quick encounter. 

I am always very attracted to her, so I pulled her close and ran my hands across her - not completely sexual, but definitely intimately. She took care of me - Hj or bj - I was reciprocating but I understood she wasn't going to want to finish - she was already late though not rushing - and we kissed and snuggled a bit and she went in her way.

Anyway while I was recalling this later and saying I wished I had been able to reciprocate, her response was that she had been thinking what a nice way to start the day it had been, and commented that an O wasn't important, but what women want really is the attention. Which she got I guess.

So there is no way to know what your W really is satisfied / pleased with unless you talk about it directly and make it happen.

Sorry for the long boring story


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

You let your wife sleep through the night? Wow. What a nice guy. Is this helping the op?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Anyway while I was recalling this later and saying I wished I had been able to reciprocate, her response was that she had been thinking what a nice way to start the day it had been, and commented that an O wasn't important, but what women want really is the attention. Which she got I guess.


As a general rule, it should be assumed that the woman wants an O too unless she says or acts like she's ok with just giving that session, - like your wife did-. 
She can enjoy the act of giving if she knows that her needs will be taken care of too whenever she does want. 

Take a woman who's been ignored for at least a year and she's not so giving and just wanting the attention anymore. 

Once or twice a year for her is unacceptable for pretty much any woman IMO. Every now and then something _just _for him or just for her is NBD.

There should be enough equality between the 2 partners that neither notice a deficit or problem with it. If you did the same thing to your wife for a year, only thinking about taking care of her once or twice, you'd be getting a different response.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> .................
> Anyway while I was recalling this later and saying I wished I had been able to reciprocate, her response was that she had been thinking what a nice way to start the day it had been, and commented that an O wasn't important, *but what women want really is the attention. Which she got I guess*.
> 
> So there is no way to know what your W really is satisfied / pleased with unless you talk about it directly and make it happen.
> ...


Well it is a lovely story and all but while the bolded may hold true for your wife, she cannot speak for other women. It doesn't help when other women perpetuate this myth that all women want is affection, closeness etc, no, we want sex, good sex. It is fine to not finish every bluemoon but all the women I know want really good sex.

I will happily cuddle up with him on the couch while the Cricket is on when I want some attention, I don't care about the end result which he has probably guessed as I usually fall asleep before the end of the match.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> How old are you and are you inexperienced?


I'm 30.Yes I was inexperienced when I met my wife 7 years ago She actually was only my 2nd sexual partner. I still haven't found the "courage" to bring up this whole issue with her yet, and it's been a couple days now. Ill be honest its a little embarrassing and awkward to discuss with my wife, which is why I came here. Maybe its common for couples to spend time talking about sex, but us,we don't spend much time talking about sex period. I feel like the longer I wait, then the more awkward I might feel bringing it up. I'm almost thinking that perhaps I should just start working on the problem myself without even saying anything about it.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

Also at the risk of sounding really unknowledable, isn't it true that many women don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex? Also I've heard of a technique where a man gives oral to a woman and just before she ready to have an orgasm, the man stops, and then they start having sex. Does anyone here have personal experience with that?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

We do that all the time. Stop foreplay and enter her to climax. Go for it?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would start with a bottle of wine (if you guys drink) and just lay it all out there. nothing to be embarrassed about she knows you have a fast trigger and so do you.

after a glass or two I would just say hey honey your comment during our argument the other day made me realize that your unhappy/satisfied with our sex life. I'm sorry for not realizing it sooner but I think you have to foot some of the blame for not speaking up and being honest about it.

let me suggest that we put some effort into have a great sex life. lets make a deal that we will be honest with each other. sex with in a marriage should be fun open honest and enjoyable for both of us. now come over here I love you with all my heart.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Holland said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > .................
> ...


Lol I knew this would draw you out of the woodwork Holland! I always enjoy your posts 

Actually W spoke for herself as you speak for yourself. She felt comfortable expressing this as a universal truth and I thought I'd share that because I got a kick out of it. Her views are in no way mythical and represent a very large subset of women.

You don't speak for all women when you suggest that "we want sex, good sex". It's simply not true. Women want what women want.

We have NO WAY of knowing what OPs wife wants and that was my point.

To the guy with the snarky response about waking my wife up at night - that is by her request because she loves our time together but is wiped out at the end of the day and wants to sleep a bit first.

Personally I would love it if my wife was more freaky and free thinking about sexuality ala Holland but she's not so there you have it.

The OP clearly has very little sexual exposure since he hasn't addressed this and I suspect W is similarly uneducated about sex.

So this is something that will probably take a while to unfold and it will be helpful for people to realize this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Frank Sc said:


> Also at the risk of sounding really unknowledable, isn't it true that many women don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex?


I don't need to eat bacon to enjoy the aroma of it. But fixing bacon all the time for someone else, who scarfs it all down so that I never get to eat any of it myself, would get pretty damned old. 

Some women are happy to not have an orgasm every time they have sex with their partner. And, yes, sex can feel good even if an orgasm isn't involved - for women and for men. But unless she has specifically said she doesn't want an orgasm, it's probably much wiser to assume that she does want one. OP, you and your wife need to figure out how to discuss sex with one another. If you can do it, you should be able to manage talking about it. If necessary, you might enlist the help of a therapist who has some training in addressing not only communication problems, but also sexual issues.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

If my wife was "wiped out" at the end of the day I would let her sleep all night. Consider this a non snarky comment


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Some women enjoy sex without climaxing some of the time. The challenge is to always at least attempt to keep trying to give her one.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You might try ordering these DVDs for yourself then to watch with your wife. These are real couples (attractive according to the comments) who talk about sex and show how it's done. My sex therapist likes these instructional videos though I haven't seen them.

http://www.sinclairinstitute.com/sp-ways-to-go-longer-and-stronger-6898.aspx

Also this collection.

http://www.sinclairinstitute.com/sp-better-sex-video-collection-15271.aspx

Men and women respond differently to different medium (narrative, pictures, videos) but I think these might bridge the gap and be non threatening and helpful for a whole range of people.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Okguy said:


> Some women enjoy sex without climaxing some of the time. The challenge is to always at least attempt to keep trying to give her one.


This I completely agree with. My issue is to be sensitive to her NOT wanting an O because I rather enjoy that but she will feel pressured if I show too much interest and she's not. Her body can be very fickle and I have to respect that.

Personally.... well it doesn't matter what I think - my job is to learn what my wife wants. And Frank Sc that's your assignment #1 - assume nothing and work with her to learn her needs and provide for them.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Frank Sc said:


> Also at the risk of sounding really unknowledable, isn't it true that many women don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex? Also I've heard of a technique where a man gives oral to a woman and just before she ready to have an orgasm, the man stops, and then they start having sex. Does anyone here have personal experience with that?


Depends on the woman, might just be frustrating for you to stop when she's almost there and she doesn't finish. I'd just be annoyed.

I'd stick to give her oral all the way and then have sex. Or start sex, stop halfway through to give yourself a rest, give her oral to finish and then finish yourself with sex (might help the PE too that way)

Or if you're up to it, you can do oral after but IME a lot of men aren't comfortable with that. 

Watch some videos on how to bring a woman to orgasm, watch them with her to break the ice. She might be able to say "I'd like to try that, I wouldn't like that part" easier than just bringing it up out of the blue. There would be examples for you guys to talk through. 

Go through an online sex shop together, look for a small clitoral vibe. 

If you have something there to look through, go through, together it makes it easier than just sitting down to a "we need to talk" moment IMO and she won't have that awkward 'how to tell you she's unhappy' part. You already get that and are onto the 'let's fix it' part. That part is much easier. 
So coming to her with a video or website or whatever is probably the easiest way to go


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Okguy said:


> If my wife was "wiped out" at the end of the day I would let her sleep all night. Consider this a non snarky comment


If my wife was wiped out at the end of the day but requested that I wake her up for sex, I'd do what she wanted.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

In that case she is not really wiped out now is she?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Frank Sc said:


> Also at the risk of sounding really unknowledable, isn't it true that many women don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex? Also I've heard of a technique where a man gives oral to a woman and just before she ready to have an orgasm, the man stops, and then they start having sex. Does anyone here have personal experience with that?


Why stop giving oral before she has an orgasm? 

Finish her off that way and then enter her.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Only stop if she wants you to. Then enter her and maybe come together.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, I'm not a PE sufferer, but I know that there are a couple of things you can do to help increase endurance. Ne thing to do is called edging, where you masturbate close to ejaculation, ease off until your urge diminishes and then repeat. Also, ejaculate earlier in the day and then have sex with your wife later.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Frank Sc said:


> .... Ill be honest its a little embarrassing and awkward to discuss with my wife, which is why I came here. Maybe its common for couples to spend time talking about sex, but us,we don't spend much time talking about sex period. *I feel like the longer I wait, then the more awkward I might feel bringing it up.* I'm almost thinking that perhaps I should just start working on the problem myself without even saying anything about it.


She is your wife! If you can't talk to your wife about sex who can you talk to about sex? A stranger you pick up in a bar, a co-worker? NO! Man-up! Just make sure she knows you love her and you are talking about it because you know it is important to her and you want to be the best husband you can be.



Frank Sc said:


> Also at the risk of sounding really unknowledable, isn't it true that many women don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex? Also I've heard of a technique where a man gives oral to a woman and just before she ready to have an orgasm, the man stops, and then they start having sex. Does anyone here have personal experience with that?


Each woman is different. Each woman is different just about every day of their life. What might rock her world on Saturday morning may do nothing for her on Wednesday night. 

+1 on Sinclair Institute videos. The sex therapist that helped my wife and I gave us some to watch as homework. 

Sex should be fun, playful and exploratory. It should be adult play time with your favorite playmate. If you are focused on counting her orgasms she will know it and ultimately if she isn't going to have one, she may feel so much pressure from you that she tries to fake one past you. That would not be good. 

Yes, let her know that you want to do things that pleasures her and that you enjoy using every part of your body to pleasure her, but also let her know that you want sex to be fun and relaxing. You can also admit that you need her to help you understand her boundaries as to what she would like and what would turn her off.

Good luck


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So you masturbated with his penis? Awesome move?


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

intheory said:


> Did someone say Premature Ejaculation :nerd:
> 
> My husband has had it our entire 30 year relationship.
> 
> ...


Great insight. So how often were you and your husband having sex,and how long does he last?30 years? Interesting.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Before we go to much further, how long do you really last? I think 5 min is not atypical if that your typical time to blast off. If you're under 90 seconds, then that is something more objective.


Well it sort of varies. If you're talking about constant penetration without stooping I usually can only maybe last a little over one minute. A little while longer if we had sex a few hours earlier(which we don't usually go for a round two,by the way.Sometimes its even shorter than that. Particularly if I'm in a hurry in the morning before leaving for work.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP,

I commend you on your courage to discuss this very personal issue. Most men would not be able to do what you did. That in itself shows your strength and willingness to overcome obstacles. You have a great opportunity to improve your relationship with wife, even beyond the sexual part. Hopefully you found some ideas to try within these 100+ posts.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Lol I knew this would draw you out of the woodwork Holland! I always enjoy your posts
> 
> Actually W spoke for herself as you speak for yourself. She felt comfortable expressing this as a universal truth and I thought I'd share that because I got a kick out of it. Her views are in no way mythical and represent a very large subset of women.
> 
> ...


Thanks Mate  Not much drawing out of the woodwork needed here and I enjoy your posts too 

OK I said "all the women I know" I have never professed to speak for ALL women, what does bring me out of the woodwork are statements about ALL of either gender. Some statements are pure myth, they are true for some, for those saying them but they are not true for ALL. 

As for your wife not being freaky etc, sounds like you have a good handle on it all. All the very best to you and your wife, enjoy each other.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Frank Sc said:


> Also at the risk of sounding really unknowledable, isn't it true that many women don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex? Also I've heard of a technique where a man gives oral to a woman and just before she ready to have an orgasm, the man stops, and then they start having sex. Does anyone here have personal experience with that?


Well yes partly true in that sex can be very enjoyable even without an O. But the bigger picture is that if it were all the time then it would not be so enjoyable. I am happy to tell him I'm not going to get there because the reality is that it only happens such a small % of the time. I am completely satisfied with our sex life so am free to get pleasure out of knowing he is satisfied, I can go on my merry way knowing that it won't be more than a day till I get mine. If this were the norm my head would spin off my body and I would be very unhappy.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Personal said:


> And what's wrong with doing that? In practice it can be a very sexy thing to do.


Stock standard move here. It is lots of fun.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I used to get so excited with my wife, loved her too much, that I only lasted 5-10 min total. Test was low. 15 yrs of resentment against her about other things finally slapped the wife goggles off my face. Along with testosterone injections, I now last 30m-1hr. There were times I could go 1.5 hrs and not be able to climax. That really bothered her as she thought something was wrong with her as she could not bring me to climax. That turned the tables as now she was the one who was insecure and clingy. 

Read NMMNG AND MMSLP. Mental state can also cause issues with how long or short you last.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Nothing wrong Personal. My wife loves it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

No matter your techniques, most of the men here care about their wife's sexual satisfaction. 

OP doesn't seem especially concerned about whether his wife enjoys sex. Why would she want to fvck him when it's a minute for him and that's it?

And if you don't think it's a big deal why would you be hurt by the comment?

One day she might meet someone who rocks her world and and he'll claim to be blindsided.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

My H is one who can go 30 minutes+, now and then over an hour. That is not good either. It hurts, you are sore for days sometimes, your legs get all crampy, you have other things to do that day.... Longer is really not always better. 

The goal is good sex, pounding away for 1.5 hours is not good sex. 

I much prefer it stick to 5 minutes or so but as long as I've had an O, it could be 1 minute and it wouldn't bother me. Skin to skin contact is important to me so if we spend a lot of time with full body foreplay, naked cuddling after, the time spent doing actual PIV isn't as important. 

OP- You'd probably benefit from adding some more passion in. If you go the route of she lays down, you give oral, then you have sex, it's fine.... but be careful of getting too mechanical about it all. That's what my H does, like going through a list, breasts, breasts, vagina.... trying to start me off at 0. 

Explore her whole body, kiss her whole body, slowly take bits of her clothes off, kissing where you just uncovered, tease her, kiss all the way down and pause for a second and start kissing and licking somewhere else, wait until she is incredibly turned on before you even start oral, take that slow as well, use your hands, listen to her responses to tell you when something is good. Build it up and give her an O like she just took a hit of heroin and wouldn't be able to move if the house was on fire because the room's spinning and her ears are ringing and she's still twitching and high. Do that before some PIV and naked cuddles after to bring you both back to earth gently and I bet she will be satisfied no matter how long you lasted actually inside her.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Pounding for 30 minutes or more is not needed. Great foreplay is. Get the foreplay right and an orgasm is almost guaranteed


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This has been going around my facebook lately.

And most women can have various different kinds of Os. I can have small, good ones where I can just hop out of bed after. I can take or leave them, not worth a big hassle. 
And I can have huge, amazing ones where I can't see or walk for a while after and am essentially a puddle of twitching mess. 

NNMNG and the like are for men who aren't putting their own needs in the mix. He has the opposite problem.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Frank Sc said:


> Well it sort of varies. If you're talking about constant penetration without stooping I usually can only maybe last a little over one minute. A little while longer if we had sex a few hours earlier(which we don't usually go for a round two,by the way.Sometimes its even shorter than that. Particularly if I'm in a hurry in the morning before leaving for work.


If you want to keep your wife you need to fix this.
I would venture to say that you should last at least 15 minutes after much foreplay.
Don't blame yourself too much. Hell, nobody sat you down before you got married and told you exactly what to do. You have to learn all this stuff on your own. 

Your wife sounds very frustrated and resentful. That will absolutely kill a marriage faster than you can say "divorce."
I think you need a sex coach.

This 30 second stuff before you go to work is just plain wrong.
Perhaps your wife is just as uninformed as you are. However, she does know one thing and that is the fact that the status quo sucks and she is very unhappy about it.

If you want to at least get the ball rolling, plan something.
Go to dinner, get home, have some wine, rub her back for 30 minutes, take a shower, rub her back some more. Kiss her all over and eat dessert down in Vag town for as long as it takes her to cum. Then do your 30 seconds. At least she will get off first and be somewhat satisfied. This will get the pressure off of you.

I just think you've been doing the wrong thing over and over again. You need a sex education. You can get it in this thread. We'll walk you through the process. My last paragraph would be a great start for you TONIGHT.

A woman WANTS to be ravished. Audibly and physically RAVISH her. If you can't do it with your penis now, do it with every other body part you have available. Your penis WILL follow in time.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

If your wife lays on her side with her back to you you can use both hands on her vagina. One from the back. One from the front. Try it??


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

All of this advice is neither good or bad, until you talk with your wife. Have you talked to your wife yet? 

Best thing you can do, regardless of what we tell you, is NEVER ASSUME what your spouse wants or needs in bed, just ask the person.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> All of this advice is neither good or bad, until you talk with your wife. Have you talked to your wife yet?
> *
> Best thing you can do, regardless of what we tell you, is NEVER ASSUME what your spouse wants or needs in bed, just ask the person.*


This is true but IMO it should be started with a default of her wanting the same basic considerations as he does. So if he doesn't have to tell her that "hey, I'd like to have an orgasm this time" then it's a saf_er_ bet to assume she wouldn't want to have to either. 

Unless she says otherwise, it is better to assume she wants you to make an effort at foreplay, giving her an O and making sex good for her too. 

The specifics of what that will look like might take some extra conversation and experimenting but starting with the base level of her wanting to enjoy sex at least gives you a good jumping off point.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Sometimes just trying new things is better than asking her what she wants. If she likes what u do continue on. If not try something else. Enjoy the search.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My H is one who can go 30 minutes+, now and then over an hour. That is not good either. It hurts, you are sore for days sometimes, your legs get all crampy, you have other things to do that day.... Longer is really not always better.
> 
> The goal is good sex, pounding away for 1.5 hours is not good sex.
> 
> ...


Had to pop in and take a cold shower after that description! Too bad W isn't home from work yet


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> This is an over generalized statement without any references to support. My GP is very good and before prescribing lowest dosage Zoloft we talked in length about the delayed ejaculation side effects, and any affect on libido. It cannot hurt for OP to talk to his GP to at least hear options (not just drug options) available for him to make best decisions for this situation. The GP is typically the starting point and he/she will referred to other specialist as needed.


A doctor knows about drug side effects because they must know this in order to prescribe them for a medical issue. But PE by itself is not a medical issue. There's no medical issue *causing* it. It is something all men must learn to control and a doctor could do nothing more than point you to online references, if he or she even know those existed which many of them would not. A sex therapist or urologist would have suggestions, but again all they would tell you is to do the exercises many millions of other men have already discovered and documented for others online for free. Yes many insurance plans would need a referral from a GP to see a specialist, but it is pointless to see a specialist for this OP. He simply needs to care enough about her experience to learn how to delay ejaculation longer and longer, with deliberate effort.


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> All of this advice is neither good or bad, until you talk with your wife. Have you talked to your wife yet?
> 
> Best thing you can do, regardless of what we tell you, is NEVER ASSUME what your spouse wants or needs in bed, just ask the person.




Well sorry to say, we still haven't talked about it.I just haven't been able to find it in me to bring this up. I thought about certain things posters here have said. Such as it being wrong to have quickie sex in the morning before work,etc.We had sex on Monday and I thought about giving her oral but I felt like it would be awkward seeing as how that isn't usually a part of our sexual routine. So the sex ended up being very similar to our typical quickies. It was maybe 45 seconds at the most. I have to be honest in the heat of the moment I wasn't really all that concerned with her pleasure. But then after the sex I found myself wondering what was going on in her head,given her "minute man "comment and all. I'm wondering if at this point it would even make sense to bring up the argument.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Frank Sc said:


> I just haven't been able to find it in me to bring this up.


It is very probable that your wife will welcome that talk. She is your wife. If you cannot talk to her, then who? Total strangers on TAM? Of course you have it in you!!



Frank Sc said:


> I thought about giving her oral but I felt like it would be awkward seeing as how that isn't usually a part of our sexual routine.


If you had chicken for dinner every day for years, would you turn down a very good steak because it was not your routine? IMO "routine" is the problem here. 



Frank Sc said:


> I have to be honest in the heat of the moment I wasn't really all that concerned with her pleasure.


Well, that sentence summarizes the entire problem. 



Frank Sc said:


> I'm wondering if at this point it would even make sense to bring up the argument.


No, the argument was your catalyst to change the situation. No need to bring it up. Have your talk with wife TODAY, or the first of many talks. Picture in your mind how happy she will be that you started this discussion. She might have wanted to bring it up for years but could not find the strength. Just be prepared that she will be unprepared for this talk and she will say some things that might hurt. Her emotions will be confused because she is not expecting this from you and she might do some venting. Listen, listen, listen without negative reactions or words on your part. You have so so much to gain and very very little to lose.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're a selfish lover.

Got it.

How do you suppose that's going to work for you long term?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

Well we talked about it...Sort of. I decided to just go for it this morning. I brought it up,and she didn't have a big reaction. I said,"There's something I've been thinking about lately...She said"What?That's it?Thats what you've been thinking about?Oh well don't worry about that,that was just something that you know,I kind of blurted out,you know"....I think you guys get the idea.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it sounds like you brought her comment about the 'minute man' comment, and she 'no big deal. that's good.
but i think you need to ask her the more important questions;

1. what do you think about our sex?
2. do you enjoy it, how much?
3. how can we make it better?
4. how can i please you?

did she speak to any of these?

id doubt she's going to bite you or scratch you if you bring it up and if so, 
dust off your fencing tackle with chest guard and face mask first before you ask her.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Frank Sc said:


> ..... she made a sort of pun about my premature ejaculation issues. ......Should I take it to heart? Am I making too big about this? Am I right to take her remark seriously?


So, what was the "it" you talked about? Was the talk just about your first post, i.e. your reaction to her PE comment? Based on her response this morning, that seems to me to have been the discussion. If that was the closure you needed, then you got it. Happy? Is that it?

But did you or are you going to talk to her about your and her sexual relationship needs and wants? Are you and wife satisfied with fast food chicken for dinner (or breakfast) every time or are you going to offer a well-done steak once in a while? Try asking your wife what she wants for dinner.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Get some lidocaine or benzocaine ointment. Rub it on yourself at least 10 or 15 minutes before you want to do PIV. Then go to work on her manually, orally, etc. By the time you get to PIV you will be desensitized. You will have to work very hard to bring yourself to orgasm. You both will enjoy you expending the effort.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

give that woman some oral for crying out loud!!!!!!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Look, there's a very easy way to do this now that you've addressed the elephant in the room.

That discussion was actually perfect, because it let her kind of apologize by saying it didn't mean anything, and it let her know you took her comment seriously all this time.

You clearly are a conflict avoidance guy, right? So I get why you want this to go away. BUT - trust me it won't go away if you say nothing. Because it will okay out in your mind.

That's ok - here's how you bring it up and turn into a hero from a selfish lover... 

Simply get with her at a safe place and at a quiet time. Hang your head a bit and say something has been bothering you. Say you're glad she made the comment she made because this is something you really want to fix to be a better husband. Say you may still have a quick trigger, but you want to focus on her from now on too. And you think that means oral since you can't go long. And ask her if she has ideas too like adding a vibrator and she can show you what she likes or even use the vibrator herself when you two play. (My wife can cum in a few minutes when we do that so this isn't necessarily going to add a lot of time).

If W doesn't have a vibrator (that you know of) FIRST go to a local adult shop and buy one. I'd recommend a pretty, slim, shiny metal or plastic one with 2-3 speeds. Ask for help and be honest about what you want - one for your wife who hasn't used one before. They are amazingly helpful. Don't get a g spot one or rabbit or anything fancy. That will turn her off if she hasn't used one. But a slim pretty non threatening one will do great. Ladies back me up on this! A guy who had never done this might get a 12" dong with veins or a contraption with 15 buttons! Men like tools with lots of features whereas women like apple products with 1 button. Generalization, yes, but...

K - back to the talk. If she says yes OR no to the vibrator, in either case, show her what you bought. Tell her it's important to you that she cums too even if she doesn't find it important. It doesn't have to be every time, but you will feel better as a man and a husband if she has an enjoyable sex life.

Say this stuff even if it isn't true!!! Again ladies - don't you think he needs to tell her these things?

This is about consideration and caring AT LEAST as much as it is about sex.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

IMO a small bullet of egg that she can use on her clit during or before sex (or on her own) is a better choice for a first toy. Since most women are needing the clitoral stimulation, something that deals just with that is the best method and it's very small and simple. 

But a toy isn't a replacement for foreplay and his own touching her and oral, it's something else to add. Don't take any of the rest away when you do.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Good oral and no toys should be needed


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Okguy said:


> Good oral and no toys should be needed


Why in the world would anyone limit what gives pleasure in sex? I don't get it. Are you afraid of toys? Seriously I'm not saying that as a challenge but really am curious why removing anything that could help would be in any way helpful? Toys present can be used or set aside as needed. It's like lingerie, or ropes, or feathers, or ice or whatever floats your boat. Remember we're talking about a guy who currently gives no consideration to his W so more ideas and variety are better IMO. Simple to start though.. like a simple bullet or simple vibrator.

I just bought a Magic Wand rechargeable - about $125 I think - use it occasionally and it's fun. But way way too much for OP right now


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Good oral and no toys should be needed


Many a job can be done manually, but if there are a variety of tools, why not use them.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Good grief. I said Should not be needed. If you need a vibe use it


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## Frank Sc (Jan 13, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Why in the world would anyone limit what gives pleasure in sex? I don't get it. Are you afraid of toys? Seriously I'm not saying that as a challenge but really am curious why removing anything that could help would be in any way helpful? Toys present can be used or set aside as needed. It's like lingerie, or ropes, or feathers, or ice or whatever floats your boat. Remember we're talking about a guy who currently gives no consideration to his W so more ideas and variety are better IMO. Simple to start though.. like a simple bullet or simple vibrator.
> 
> I just bought a Magic Wand rechargeable - about $125 I think - use it occasionally and it's fun. But way way too much for OP right now


Call me insecure, but I really don't want to have to resort to toys.It would seem like that's something that would make a man feel like he's not enough, like his penis isn't doing its job. So that's something that the women here have had success with? How did your husbands react to that?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yet 45 seconds makes you feel secure? Geez, this can't be real.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Frank Sc said:


> Call me insecure, but I really don't want to have to resort to toys.It would seem like that's something that would make a man feel like he's not enough, like his penis isn't doing its job. So that's something that the women here have had success with? How did your husbands react to that?


So are you willing to give oral or use your hands every time then? (she may not want it every time but you should be willing to and offer) And not a 'I can get you off if you want' offer. An "I want to taste/feel you so bad" kind of offer. 

Penis' are great, fun, but unless they are rubbing your clit they aren't going to get most women off on their own. 

Think of it this way, if all she ever did was play with your balls for a few seconds or minutes, she got off and left, not so fun. It might kind of feel good, if it was done WITH attention to your penis, but on it's own and not very long, that's going to get old fast. 

For women who O with clitoral stimulation, that's our sex organ. Not the vagina. The vagina feels good, like your balls, but isn't going to do the job on it's own.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Rub your penis on her clit. Gently


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wow I can hardly believe this thread. OP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE google and learn about women. If you believe a penis alone proves your manhood then you are delusional. Seriously. Only insecure men are afraid to open their minds to what women REALLY find masculine and sexy. That varies from woman to woman but it is RARELY IF EVER related to his penis.

Women rarely disassociate body parts like men do - some think they do but they can't see inside our heads 

If you give her whatever she needs she will find you masculine, sexy, whatever.

If you don't believe me, consider people who are into BDSM. That's actually a very large percent of people when you consider mild power play part of it (think role play nurse / patient with a nurse with a bit of an attitude  ). Penis doesn't even have to factor in much - in fact NOT using the penis can be very sexually satisfying to many women (Google tease and denial) and men too. Try a "ruined orgasm" or much better yet the threat of one but with pity at the end 

Sex is in the mind to a large degree. In your case, OP, please just have a very open mind and find out what will help her. I honestly believe a vibrator is the best way to start because it removes the performance pressure, and you can kiss and caress and attend to her while she uses the device. This is VERY masculine - a man who will do whatever it takes to please his woman is what the Don Juan mystique is all about. It's definitely not about swinging your penis at her - those days ended when men discovered that women can enjoy sex too (which seems to be 2016 for some people)

Okguy I'm sorry but you sound terribly insecure to have such an aversion to letting a woman decide what is best for her orgasm. A few women have even expressed it here... Maybe listen.

BTW I love the analogy of the woman playing with your balls only and pretending she's done. SPOT ON


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Oral absolutely but if you're not going that way then vibrator or both


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

OP, if you don't want to include an inanimate mechanical object in your sex life with your wife, that is perfectly fine. You just have to be willing to stimulate your wife, or she has to do it herself. I don't have any vibrators, nor do I want one, or two, or three. Both H and I know what to do to help me along. 

And Okguy's suggestion of using your penis (use gel or coconut oil too) to rub your wife's female parts is a great idea. That might be enough to get her started. 

Then move her hand to herself, and let her know that you don't mind if she stimulates herself in just the right way for her, while you caress her where she wants, or while you insert your finger (and after a few minutes, two fingers) into her secret place and move it gently, asking her where it feels good. The combination of her stimulating herself and you stimulating her will help her get excited quicker. And make sure you use plenty of lube, or it will not feel good for her. Don't go crazy with your finger just slow steady movements, rubbing the inside of her (preferrably her "G" spot which is past her pubic bone, and on the front side of her body, inside/behind her clitoris.

Once she has a strong orgasm, she will be pulling you onto her, so she can feel you inside. Then you won't have to worry how quickly you orgasm.

You still need to practice coming close to orgasm and stopping, however, because you/she want to be able to vary what you do to keep it from becoming boring.

It took Mr. IMFAR and I years to become sexually more compatible because he has a quick trigger too (from masturbating when he was single.) I'm kind of glad he is more sensitive, or has less control, because I'd be sore if he took a long time (he's more than enough for me, if you know what I mean.)

You and your wife can have a great sex life together, if you talk openly about your problem, and you both work together so both are happy.

The longer you don't work out the issue, the bigger it will get. It will not go away.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ok trying to be thoughtful about these posts to help you most. 

I just realized my issues might be different than yours - I am particularly girthy. I didn't realize it until I read an amusing TAM post on penis size. W many times left the impression things were "difficult" but frankly I thought of every reason EXCEPT I must be big. Only one woman ever for me so no comparison and I was her only too. Actually I forgot about that.

So for me the vibrators and dildos serve to warm her up and ensure she is relaxed and finds intercourse pleasurable. The additional benefit of clitoral orgasms is awesome. I couldn't find toys as girthy as me without being ridiculous 12" veiny monsters but found a decent 7" one that was close enough (within 1/2" girth).

Anyway my point is many couples have issues and have to work through them. A good partner takes the time and keeps trying and varying things. 

So don't get discouraged and don't avoid the issue. Been if she says she's ok with things, keep working on it. Ok?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Frank Sc said:


> Call me insecure, but I really don't want to have to resort to toys.It would seem like that's something that would make a man feel like he's not enough, like his penis isn't doing its job. So that's something that the women here have had success with? How did your husbands react to that?


Well to be blunt, your penis is not doing its job, you are not doing your job. You really don't seem to care about your wifes sexual pleasure.

How do other husbands react? Well mine is all for great sex, we go to the sex shop together, laugh our heads off buy stuff, go home and root like rabbits.

I doubt any of this is for real though.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Holland said:


> Frank Sc said:
> 
> 
> > Call me insecure, but I really don't want to have to resort to toys.It would seem like that's something that would make a man feel like he's not enough, like his penis isn't doing its job. So that's something that the women here have had success with? How did your husbands react to that?
> ...


Holland I'm sorry to disagree with you but I think this is a very real thread.

I love sex. I live for sex. It's the icing on the cake of life.

My W loves it but she is a very, very, very good girl and I'm doing my damnist to show her the inner Holland I really, really want to believe is there . I seriously am crazy about her and we play all the time but more is always better in this I believe.

Sadly in the modern era sex has fallen to the wayside for a majority of couples - at least in America. OP is not a unicorn. The wonderful part is OP has come here whereas the legions of others like him don't.

So please stay with us along with the ladies of TAM and convince him your desires are real and there really is hope for him to become a good and considerate lover. It's not that hard but takes mostly an attitude adjustment.

OP go to the Sinclair Institute website and order DVDs - they have bundles very cheap - mine arrived today - they show real couples talking about and showing sex. I've got a wife and many kids and this stuff should be talked about.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Holland said:


> I doubt any of this is for real though.


Sadly there are many men out there like this. 

The kind of guys I read about on TAM, who love to please their wife and give her a million orgasms just for the fun of it, I've never come across one. Me, my friends have all been with men like this. Just no clue how to please a woman and no real interest in trying. Add that to a woman who either doesn't know herself very well or doesn't speak up for herself and you get this. 

The fact that he's here is huge. I think it will eventually sink in for him. Usually the one who is here is the one trying to get the _other _to please them more. That's a lot harder and he hasn't gone sexless yet so there's still time to fix it. 

Now you just have to do it. Seriously OP- it's a weekend, give her an orgasm, or two, or three. Spend some time making up for past mistakes. Really want to do it, she'll see right through it if you are doing it out of duty. Enjoy it. Tell her how much you enjoy it. Tell her that you're sorry for missing out on that all the other times and that you let things slip and won't make that mistake again. 

Words, at this point, aren't going to do it. Actions speak louder. Just do it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Yeah you are right SGC and TTH. Sorry I just have a hard time believing it but yes it may well be true.

OP sorry for the harshness but honestly if you want your marriage to last, if you care about your wife at all you need to man up about this. If she is too timid to talk then you guys just have to find a way. 

OK it doesn't help that I am fairly confident (age is a wonderful thing) but maybe this may help: for different reasons we read book about sex together in bed. If that is too confronting then maybe get a couple and read them yourself and suggest she reads them. Not porno stuff but sex manuals, there are plenty out there. 

At my kids school they have a fantastic 3 year personal health subject and honestly they seem to know more than you do OP. Educate yourself now before it is too late.


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