# still fighting about sex



## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Hi 
I'm new. I was searching oline for suuport about my problem and I found this website and i think you guys can help.

I have been married to my husband for about 7.5 years. from the beginnig he has always made sex such a big issue. we can be find for a awhile but god forbid if we go without having sex for a week then there are hidden meanings behind it, or I don't find him attractive ot he thinks I'm interested in someon else. then he trys to make me feel bad and says I have a sexual disfunction, when I know deep down he has the issue. when the argument is over he appologizes for acting that way and then does it again.

thursday night I waited up for him and when he came into the bedroom I asked him to turn off the tv. He does then heads out the room. I told him I was waiting up for him, he said he felt like I was kicking him out of the room. He said he was coming back, then he proceeds to watch tv in the living room and then go shaves. what was that? Your wife is ready for you then you are not interested. then when he finally gets in bed he lays in the bed like a dead man for about a 1/2hr then approaches me. I told him I was waiting up for him then he says that I put him on a schedule then he gets out of the bed and gets mad and says were still going through this and that he does not want to fight but i's obvious that he is. 

At this point I feel defeated and I have no energy and I am tired of playing the games. 

I know he is very insecure and in a perfect world he wants me to be the innitiator all the time and when I do he feels like I am trying to do him a favor. what he does not understand we have a child and we go to work and I get tired and so does he but its my fault that he is not getting enough sex. 

I don't know what to do and he is pushing me away. 

any advice?


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## Maine_Forever (Jan 12, 2008)

I would say his insecurities are very deeply rooted and that there's something bubbling under the surface that needs to be addressed. Do you have any idea what has happened in his past that has made him insecure? 

As draconis says, communication, communication, communication... you guys aren't doing it. Sit down with him and see if you can get him to open up, because right now he seems like a brick wall.


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

fredfoxw28 said:


> Hi
> I'm new. I was searching oline for suuport about my problem and I found this website and i think you guys can help.
> 
> I have been married to my husband for about 7.5 years. from the beginnig he has always made sex such a big issue. we can be find for a awhile but god forbid if we go without having sex for a week then there are hidden meanings behind it, or I don't find him attractive ot he thinks I'm interested in someon else. then he trys to make me feel bad and says I have a sexual disfunction, when I know deep down he has the issue. when the argument is over he appologizes for acting that way and then does it again.
> ...


Wow, after reading this, I had to read it again b/c I thought I might of written it. From my own experience, I might have a little insight for you. 

It's obvious your husband is feeling insecure and that sex to him is how you prove your love to him. Maybe he feels like if the two of you aren't having sex, then you must not love him. That to him, sex MEANS love. 

I can understand your not wanting to play these games any longer, have you discussed couples counseling with him? Do you think he'd be open to it? If nothing else you'd be able to get to the root of things. 

But, you also need to take a look at yourself. Are you actually participating in the bedroom or just waiting for it all to be over so that you can go back to sleep? If that's the case, then your husband will easily sense that and feel rejected, even though you tell him you've been waiting for him. 

Are you waiting around with anticipation or anxiety? He needs to FEEL that you want him, that he's desired. If b4 bed sex seems like too much of a hassle, when all you want to do is go to sleep, then shake things up a bit. Instead of waiting to do it right b4 sleep, head to the bedroom an hour or so b4 you'd normally go to sleep. Instead of watching t.v., use that t.v. time as reconnect time. Or if you both happen to have the same day off, have a morning or afternoon romp. These types of things can easily bring back some fire in your relationship. They're different from your normal routine and sometimes a little variety is all that's needed.


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

thanks debrajean 

I will try that out and see what happens and your right I need too look at my self and see if I am doing something wrong.


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

I do think he has insecurities and he even says so, I know he is a good man but we do need counseling and we have had it. I think we may have to go back.


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## A Good Husband (Jan 1, 2008)

My wife and I decided not to ever have a TV in our bedroom. Our bedroom is a sacred space free from the outside world, a place for us to relax and retreat. We try not to fight in there either.

I think the others are right about communicating. There are needs that he's trying to meet through sex that can probably be met in other ways (like activities together, or perhaps he just needs praise). Have you read the Five Love Languages?


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

No I have not read the five languages. I am sure it's about communication.

things seem to be on the up and up but as time goes by sometimes sleep takes over and then days days have passed by without sex. Never more then a week but then he gets all insecure again. during the week there really is not any room for estra activity we are on a schedule with my son and we havve to be up by 5 am, this is passed my bed time. lol

He tells me sometimes that he is afraid to approach me. In my passed relationships I never had this problem before. I don't bite and I am never nasty with him. before we got married his longest relationship was six months. do you think that could be an issue too?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Often people who don't hold relationships for more then six-nine months don't for a real reason. Your brain creates chemicals at the start of a relationship giving an artifical high if you will but starts to come down. You then switch to mundane life, and build a real relationship that is more then just feelings.

I am sure that might be a part of it.

Like I have said in many posts communication is the key. Talk to him and let him get it all out and give him answers. I am only going to guess that he is the type to bottle things up. In the long run this isn't good and is rather self defeating.

draconis


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

yes he does then he explodes and I can't get a word in. Like jekle and hide


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like he might be suffering from depression of some sort, is there any issue other then sex he might be getting stressed over such as money or his job?

draconis


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

no when theres sex all the time it's fine. However that's not reality. We work, we have a child, we both wake up at 5 in the mornign and go to bed around 9. we both work in the city so our commute is atleast an hour each way, so I feel like sometimes he is not realistic


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Men until they hit forty tend to want to have sex more often then women. Men are also turned on easier because they are more visual responcive. I think you and your husband (from what I have read) have a communication issue were each of you talk about issues but never listen to the other.

draconis


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

You may be right, because things have been going pretty good since I now have an outlet. To be continued.....


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## A Good Husband (Jan 1, 2008)

It sounds like your lifestyle is producing an incredible amount of stress. I would look at ways of reducing that stress. If you don't even have time for regular sex, life becomes a drag (I've been there before). 

An hour commute each way is normal for many people, but I personally think it's far too much. There are so many alternatives to long commutes (flex time, working from home, moving closer to work, etc) and with the way the internet works, there's hardly an excuse for reducing your stress level.

I hope things continue to get better. Also, if it was you that commented anonymously on my blog - Thanks!


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

First of all, you are to be complimented for having made your relationship with your husband work for seven and a half years. This is an accomplishment in and of itself and you should be proud of it. There is a strong foundation of affection between the two of you, it just appears as though his response to sexual situations is out of proportion to the situation itself. I'm not suggesting that a healthy and consistent sexual appetite is wrong, only that the end result of that appetite should be the mutual culmination of pleasure.


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## mispookie1 (Mar 18, 2008)

i have this same issue have you resolved this prob, lets talk..lol


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I am a man in the same position as your husband, let me tell you that I can't remember the last time the wait between sex was "only a week". The latest drought is 6 months and counting, with 2 months droughts in between.

The person who said that you both want the same thing but neither of you want to give in is spot on the money. If you sit there thinking that you are right and HE should give in, then you won't get ANYWHERE! You have to recognize that he is sitting there thinking YOU should give in. Those two things are mutually exclusive.

In the course of the thread, you revealed how he doesn't help with the housework. If he did that more, would that help? What I mean is, many men want direct and immediate results -- helping fold laundry here = a bj there. I'm not saying this to be vulgar, I'm telling you how some of us think. Is it realistic..... well how much more likely are you to stick to a diet if you lose a pound in the first week?

So do you want to put your hands on your hips and believe he is selfish and irrational and if only he did "this and that" everything would be fine? Or do you want to solve the problem?

I remember a guy at a dance who could get any woman he wanted to dance with him -- laughing and having a blast all the while. I couldn't do it! I asked him how he did it and he said "you just have to DO it -- go up, be confident, believe in yourself". At first I said "no way is this gonna work" but I tried it A FEW TIMES (didn't just give up after the first failure). Before I knew it, it WAS WORKING, and I felt so dumb for overlooking the obvious.

Sometimes success and a positive attitude are their own fuels. The more confident you are in finding a solution you once thought impossible, the more apt that solution is to succeed.


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## HvyHitter (Mar 22, 2008)

Yeah I also read this thread and thought.. Hey this is my wife.. 

If only mine would post in a forum for help.. Mine.. wont do anything... well.. hey kudos to you for trying to identify the problem.. 

do a google search online for the sex starved marriage.. 

read the first few paragraphs online.. does it describe your marriage to a T.. It does mine.. 

I love my wife immensely.. but.. being priority zero in her life.. and having tried everything I can.. I am about to give up myself.. I dont think you can fix a marriage if two people arent invested in fixing it.


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Hi 

I guess I should update this post. We have been doing very good lately. Ever since I re-read this book 20 steps to a better marriage. The first time I read it, I could only see what my husband was doing wrong. However, this time around I saw the things I was doing wrong. Making time for everyone else except my husband. I stop looking at his actions as a way of getting some and looking at it as a way of this is how to make your marriage stick like glue. It was pretty humbling experience. Since I have changed he has changed too, because of my action, his re-action to me as changed. He is more understanding and we talk about sex in a more relaxed setting. Prayer has helped alot as well, I asked for patience and understanding.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

it's nice to read a happy ending every now and then. It gives me hope.
My Wife and I have a very similar situation with the little baby and all, only I have waited months for sex sometime and my wife is a jerk to me. I have been on the edge of becoming a cheater and fixing the sexual issue that way, I only hope that my Wife sees the light like you did before it's too late.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I'll add that it is SO rare to see the situation turn around like this!!! I have hung out on boards like these for ages and I always create a "success stories" thread regarding turning around a lack of sex, and it stays very empty.

Wow to actually hear that you went from viewing everything he did as "wanting some" and only seeing his faults to actually acknowledging the things YOU did wrong and working together... WOW!!!!!

Congratulations.


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

Yes we do exsist.......LOL....and it is posible to have a turn around....I'm am glad to hear more of them too..


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

HvyHitter said:


> Yeah I also read this thread and thought.. Hey this is my wife..
> 
> If only mine would post in a forum for help.. Mine.. wont do anything... well.. hey kudos to you for trying to identify the problem..
> 
> ...


I got that book as well, and it does hit the nail on the head. I got it in December last year and have gone to great lengths to get my wife to at least read some of it. I am still hopefull she will get to it sometime, as it does put a very common problem into light. But your statement is very true about both parties investing equally into fixing the problem.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Who is the author? I cannot find a book titled that way on amazon.



Dancing Nancie said:


> I got that book as well, and it does hit the nail on the head. I got it in December last year and have gone to great lengths to get my wife to at least read some of it. I am still hopefull she will get to it sometime, as it does put a very common problem into light. But your statement is very true about both parties investing equally into fixing the problem.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

cone said:


> Who is the author? I cannot find a book titled that way on amazon.


The author is Michele Weiner-Davis.


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## Lonelygirl (Aug 19, 2008)

fredfoxw28 said:


> yes he does then he explodes and I can't get a word in. Like jekle and hide


I do know how you feel that the way my husband is to. But other day i let it all out how i felt. I don't think it did any good. He still not showing any love.


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

Honestly, why not just have sex with him?? Is it such a bad thing that your husband wants to have sex with you? You've been with him almost 8 years and he's still very attracted to you, apparently. Be flattered!


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