# Advice Please - Need to make her remember



## Bobby Joel (Jun 10, 2012)

I am in my early 30's. My Wife is in her late 20's. We have been together for over 14 years.

Up until recently our life together has been fun, loving and very supportive of each other. We seldom argue and when we do its only a small one. Neither of us are possessive, jealous, abusive, I thought everything was perfect….

For the past 6 months our marriage has started to deteriorate. It started when she asked me to change my lifestyle as I had put on weight, she said she wasn't as attracted to me anymore. I knew I could resolve this so made the changes she asked for and now Im under 14 stone (196 pounds) and a 34 waist again, quite muscular, I've never been in better shape, she even says so.

By now the marriage had become sexless and she seemed even more distant. I confronted her saying that I had changed, what is it now? what am I doing wrong? she told me that she felt like I wasn't progressing fast enough in my career, I love my job as a creative at an agency, money is okay but not amazing. She is freelance but earns nearly double what I make, we have always shared our money and this mainly goes on our mortgage, bills etc. Her job is hard and stressful and most people in her industry take a months break in between jobs, she doesn't, she just carries on, she's exhausted. She says If I got paid more she could take breaks and not be so stressed all the time.. why cant I support us both, she imagined that by now she would have a child and a year off work.

A week later she told me that she loves me but she is not in love with me, she sees me as her family, not as her husband. 
This was probably the most painful thing I have ever heard. 

She has started to see a councillor, she says she wants to work out what went wrong and to retrieve the feelings she had for me when we married. She says she feels horrible for making me suffer but she doesn't have the answers I need, she says she cant reassure me because she doesn't know whats going to happen. She seems upset about it. 

There is nothing I can do but wait for her decision, I have been giving her space and she has been very private about her sessions. 

I feel like im hanging on by a thread. I feel so hurt by this situation, I am a strong man but have been reduced to tears whenever she is not around. Im drained, confused, distracted. I have nobody to talk to, my friends don't talk about this sort of thing, I cant tell my family as they will only worry and maybe even resent my wife. 

If she calls it a day my whole life will be in ruins. We have worked towards goals together, we have saved money together, we have renovated our house together, not only that but our families have invested time in helping get to this point, helped financially and paid for our wedding. It will all be a waste, of emotions, time, effort and money.

She is having a month or two off work and she said she is pinning her hopes on the fact that if she can rest, be free of stress and remember who she is again then hopefully her feelings for me will be revived. Personally I think she has already checked out of the relationship. I think the upset she is showing me is because she knows it will end and she feels guilty, I think she is worried about what everyone will say about it, I think she worries about people hating her for doing this to me. 

I feel so so low, Its a battle to keep going. Its like slow torture, I know she needs time but she is giving me nothing in return. Im isolated, dealing with this agony, waiting for her to fix this. She says that there isn't anything I can do and I'm not doing anything wrong.

We've had a great life together, I love her so so much, she is my world, I am so proud of her, she is my best friend. How can I make her remember?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You need to check and see if she's seeing another man.


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## Bobby Joel (Jun 10, 2012)

I asked her twice, she said there isn't anyone else. I believe her.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This is going to be pretty straight forward...If she has checked out, and it sounds like she may have a while ago becase she does not seem to respect you as a man or her husband, you can't make her remember. The I love you but am not in love with you was kind of the verbalization of the nail in the coffin.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Bobby Joel said:


> I asked her twice, she said there isn't anyone else. I believe her.


Trust but verify. She is following a very common pattern of feelings and actions for a woman in an affair - even an emotional one. 

So don't ask her, she may be either lying or no recognizing that she is an emotional affair.

See if there is a man she is spending time chatting with, texting, emailing, and even meeting up with.

An affair doesn't have to be physical to kill a marriage.


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## Bobby Joel (Jun 10, 2012)

I asked her if she had developed feelings foe anyone else. She very firmly said 'No', I believe her.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Bobby Joel said:


> I asked her if she had developed feelings foe anyone else. She very firmly said 'No', I believe her.


Sorry to say, then that's your biggest mistake. I was given the same story, when I asked her about it she said "there is no one else, whatever problems you are having dealing with all of this is YOUR problem now. Not mine."

I never got 'solid' proof that there was someone else, but when I did start digging I found things that pretty much lead me to believe there was someone even if she says there wasn't.

Things like pictures of her and the kids emailed to someone, the email address was male (really wish I would have taken all this down). Her phone data went through the roof (can't text out of country because you will get charged .. so use data text / video / call apps).

Don't listen to her words, observe her actions. Find the subtle changes in her day to day life that will start the trail of lying. Now, not saying there will be for sure .. and not to get paranoid, but 9/10 times there is someone else. Even if it is a simple EA, it then turns serious once you are out of the picture.

I have no doubt that my stbxw is in it with someone else, before she met me she was in a LTR with someone she met on an online game and after 4-5 months of phone chatting she drove down there to see him for 2-3 weeks.

When she got back, we met and the whole thing started .. now I am out the door for the same thing that I walked into. Makes a guy feel like crap.

It will go against everything in your nature because YOU still love her, but it's not the same from her side. Need to do your investigating.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Bobby Joel said:


> I asked her if she had developed feelings foe anyone else. She very firmly said 'No', I believe her.


While it it possble that she is having an affair of some sort as others have said, 

I think you may be right in believing her. I have asked my stbxw the same thing a few times, and I do believe her as well. In my research of the walk away wife, many of the symptoms point to an affair when in actuality, there is no affair at all, physical or emotional.

I think you are fine in believing her. For my situation, I think it just makes this all the more difficult.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Unfortunately have to add to the voices saying you cant make them remember. Its pretty par for the course round here for them to mentally rewrite history. Seems to be a mechanism that kicks in in order to see their actions through.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is definitely comparing you to other men she has already engaged with or is about to. There's almost no other possibility.

You cannot expect her to tell you the truth. She never will. Never. It's a futile effort to try to extract the truth from a person in an affair.

If you really want to get to the bottom of things without letting your wife go, unfortunately you have no option but to do a bit of snooping to find out what is really going on. You'll have to do your own investigation without her knowledge. It's painful but pretty much the only way to get the truth out.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Bobby Joel said:


> I asked her if she had developed feelings foe anyone else. She very firmly said 'No', I believe her.


Lets say she is seeing someone, do you honestly think a cheater would openly admit seeing someone?

Not saying she is but you need to verify it without letting her know. You need to find the what the root of the problem before you can look for ways to fix the marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

One question, is her counsel schedule same for every week or is it random? After coming back is she tired or uninterested in you?


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## Bobby Joel (Jun 10, 2012)

It's the same time every week. She told me where it's held. I honestly believe her, she doesn't lie. I don't need to snoop, she wouldn't do that to me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Bobby Joel said:


> It's the same time every week. She told me where it's held. I honestly believe her, she doesn't lie. I don't need to snoop, she wouldn't do that to me.


We've seen people change after being married for 30+years, they too thought their spouse wouldn't lie to them but if you believe her then good luck on the divorce.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Bobby Joel said:


> It's the same time every week. She told me where it's held. I honestly believe her, she doesn't lie. I don't need to snoop, she wouldn't do that to me.


Yes she would and she most likely has.

Your wife is not super-human. She's just as vulnerable to temptation as any other human being. It's her moral-fiber that may have vanished over the years. 

Your story is not unique. This has happened to thousands of husbands on this site. Don't single yourself out. 

Understand that what you're going through is the initial stage of "denial". Once the truth comes out (you can expedite this by investigating) you'll realize what a thick cloud of naivety you have been living in and how your wife has been making you feel completely 'insane' by gaslighting you.

It happens all the time.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Whether there is another man or not - it sounds to me like she has checked out and is ready to move on. It is very similar to my separation and you need to prepare yourself for for this.

You are spot on when you say that you feel she is upset due to feeling guilty. Our marriage counselor said there are two burdens when a couple separate - one will carry the burden of grief and the other will carry the burden of guilt. This seems to apply in your situation. 

So sorry to hear this. I was exactly where you were about 2 months ago. Keep posting here - some of the advice you get is not likely to be what you want to hear but you will be surprised at how close everyone's circumstances are on here - try not to dismiss it and learn from the experience of those who have been through it. I doubted the information I received her at first but then did some investigating and found my wife on dating sites flirting with other men only a couple of weeks after the 'love but not in love' spiel.


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