# What needs does your spouse NOT meet? (And that's ok)?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm wondering this, as my husband and I are trying to figure out our "expectations" of each other, and communicate better...

Are there areas of your life that you accept that your spouse can't meet your "needs" for support, conversation, involvement, etc.? I mean important areas, like work, family, religion, etc.

I'm trying to figure out if I'm asking for too much from my husband, being over-sensitive, or whatever. Here's my deal (I'll try to cut to the chase):

I'm a grad student, and part-time, I write materials to run educational programs in a specific non-profit organization, for administrators to use--curriculum, lessons, workshops, etc.

So my husband also has background in this organization, though he never went to school for it or anything; but it was his full-time job for 3 years.

It's an organization that both of us believe in deeply, religiously. So the topics are very important to both of us.

So when I'm writing and I have a thought or idea, sometimes I tell him about it with great excitement, looking for a "Great idea, honey!" I get pretty disappointed when he responds with: a blank stare, an "I don't see it" or "I don't get it" or "That's a stretch." 

Then I try to discuss it, to get more clarification, help me hash it out verbally, sometimes turns into an UNconstructive debate.

I guess I want more support, maybe more cheerleading, maybe more of a sounding board from him.

I know I'm extra-sensitive about the task of creating materials for something I really believe in, so I get worked up inside about these conversations. 

And maybe I'm looking for some kind of approval or affirmation from my husband, but part of that is because it is his personality that he's not an easy sell. His approval has a high value, because it is a rare commodity in general. 

OK, so the original question:

Are there areas of your life where you really *don't* get certain needs met by your spouse (need for support, sounding board, conversation, involvement re: something), and you accept that, and maybe get those needs met some other way?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

we both are both motor mouths we have great un debates and we both want to get our point out first even though its the same point and he just wants me to shut up so he can talk and vice versa and when the other person gets quiet its a prob are you listing i need your resonse why arent you talking back to me lol now we get over ourselves and please tell your h to get out his pom poms and make sure yours are out you both are each others biggest supporters
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LousyRiverdalePunk (Nov 10, 2010)

Purchase The Commitment Conversation

The Commitment Conversation is a great way to address this topic. My wife and I do this every six months or so. It's basically a list of discussion topics about your lives, events that may happen and your expectations of each other and I've found it to be extremely helpful.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He doesn't express himself emotionally. He won't let me into the deep hidden away emotions. He is making an improvement ,taking baby steps.

He doesn't houseclean. He works 50hrs. a week I stay home. He takes care of the yard(10 acers) If I am sick he will clean.

I enjoy events where there are alot of people(concerts) he does not. He won't go, that's ok I go with family or friends. Then tell him all about it when I get home. We always find something to laugh about.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Guess we all have a need. We want our needs met with positive response & support.
We all seek validations more or less. Some people don't really care how ppl think about them, even knowing people are laughing at their ideas, they just go head and focus on the target, when some people would stop & look around for validations & support.
Some women are desperatedly addicted to validations from men. Guess you're one of them. You need affirmation from your husband, if not, you get upset. But I wonder what for? When you create a good material with a good idea, you know you can go head & put it in use. Why must you seek validations from your husband?
Why did you spend time debating with him? Why must you have his recognition before you put your new materials into practice? You can just go head & present it, right?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You're not only over sensitive but also unreasonably.
It's not his fault when he couldn't get your ideas perfectly. Why must he get your ideas and agree with you? Is he working as your boss? 
When you have an idea, and you know it's terrific, go for it and do it!
Are you insecure about yourself?
If your husband gets to know what you mean, fine, if not, never mind la! Do you need to get upset & argue with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband and I match very well. 

He has everything I want from a man. 

I have everything he wants from a woman. 

We are both teachers, and we teach in a same school. My students are also his students. When we talk about teaching and our students, we really understand each other.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think if its truly for something you both deeply believe in, that you shouldn't be seeking approval and praise for the ideas. If you go looking for praise, you will never get it. Do good things because it is right, not to be recognized. Is it so deep that you need him to approve and agree with every idea you get??


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My spouse doesn't meet:

1. My emotional need. I need more affection, more conversation and more in tune.
2. My physical touch need. I'm more touchy-feely, he's not.

It is okay? Sometimes, sometimes not - I'm thinking maybe I just am too needy and clingly and don't know how I got that way. But I'm working on it. He just wants me to accept and love him as he is. While I do accept and love him, apparently I suck at showing that to him.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your replies!!

@MsLoney @DawnD, you both hit on some parts of the heart of the issue.

Yes, I believe in the greatness of my own ideas and I plan to write about them and present them. I was asked to do this project *because* I have a reputation in this organization for being good at this stuff.
It is religious, if that makes any difference, so as I it is said deeply important and personal for us both. 

And in general, I don't look for validation from other people about these ideas.
Just from my husband.

I'm willing to "get curious" about why I look for this from him, as our therapist tells us to do...

But I don't think it's an UNrealistic expectation for him to express his opinions in a more sensitive way: "I can see what you mean, but maybe...."

I think I also have a need for conversation/discussion that helps me work out my ideas constructively.

And I get irritated with his general approach to life of: "Hm. Doesn't impress me." <--so when I feel like he applies that to ME and MY thoughts/ideas, it really gets to me.

I guess I could respond to that by saying: "Well, I appreciate your opinion, but I really believe this is going to work, so I'm going for it." And I probably will go for it anyway.

So, in your opinions out there, what are the needs in life that a spouse should NOT be expected to meet? 

Support or cheerleading with work stuff or thoughts/ideas?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

As women, most of us are needy & clingly to our men. We always ask for more attention & affection. Our emotional needs are also connected to our insecure & jealous nature. It's true that emotionally, men and women are from different planets. Women have a lot of emotional needs that men would find them uncomprehensible. Thus, there's a big chance, they have no idea how to meet them properly.
But do we really need so many validations, understandings & praise from our husbands??? Unfortunatedly,
Hell yes! LOL.
Not only women, men also many uncomprehensible needs that their women fail to meet, that explains why men & women often have conflicts. After we accept the differences between men and women, actually, it's ok that our husbands fail to meet some "small" needs. 
It's enough he's able to meet our major needs.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think everyone has at least one need that their partner doesn't meet. For me, the only one that comes to me off the top of my head is more of a material/physical need, in that he is an otr truck driver, so he is never home to help me with housecleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. Even in that, though, he does try to do what he can from the road. He will discuss with me what to do with the kids if they've done something wrong. 

One thing I wanted to mention in regard to your writing. For me, my intelligence and understanding is very artistic in nature: I write poetry, stories, articles, etc., I take photos, I like to bake and decorate and things like that. My boyfriend's intelligence and understanding is very logical and scientific/literal in nature: He looks at the grammar and spelling, can tell you how to set the settings on the camera to take a great picture, can write a computer program, or explain quantum physics. So, sometimes he has a hard time understanding something I've written because he's not creative/artistic in the same way I am, just as I can't understand a computer program he's written. It's just the way our brains work. I'm wondering if maybe that's what's going on here. Maybe your brain works one way, and his works the other, so he can't fully grasp whatever you're talking about. If that's the case, though, you two can work together on being able to better understand each other. You just have to learn patience and how to calmly keep explaining yourself, in more and more detail, until the other person gets it.

One other thing...my boyfriend tends to also be slightly insensitive when expressing his thought that he doesn't get it or it doesn't make sense to him. He is one of those "say it in the least amount of words possible" types. He doesn't always consider that saying it in the least amount of words possible can make it come across very harshly and can hurt my feelings. When he does that, I just tell him so. "That seems silly to me." "Honey, that really hurt my feelings that you think my idea is silly." Then he realizes that that's how what he said sounded, and he'll apologize and expand on his thought. "I thought people would be smart enough to figure that out for themselves and that it wasn't really necessary for someone to write an article about that." Then I'm able to see what he doesn't understand so I can explain it better.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

@atruckersgirl, that is part of it. I'm glad you can relate!

My husband is an IT repair expert. 
I'm a humanities student and a writer; my thoughts are abstract. I can't assemble an appliance.

I get frustrated when I don't feel understood about my thoughts, especially if I think I've made a real effort to make them more concrete--which is exactly what happened last night when we staved off a potential argument (just before I posted my question).

I said: "Hey, I found a great way to help kids understand xyz!"
He said: "I don't see it. If I don't see it, how's some little kid going to see it?"

But it's my JOB to help kids "see it," and I know I'm good at it. 
I guess it's important to me that he know I'm good at it too.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks everyone for your replies!!
> 
> @MsLoney @DawnD, you both hit on some parts of the heart of the issue.
> 
> ...


It's ok to expect your husband be more supportive.
But you know, sometimes we just need them to listen and agree what we think. We want to hear from him SOMETHING we like to hear. We don't need his judgements & corrections.
However, most men like to show women they're smarter so they tend to correct & criticise instead of support.
So usually, i'd tell my husband. Pls just support me. So he would stop his lecture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I think everyone has at least one need that their partner doesn't meet. For me, the only one that comes to me off the top of my head is more of a material/physical need, in that he is an otr truck driver, so he is never home to help me with housecleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. Even in that, though, he does try to do what he can from the road. He will discuss with me what to do with the kids if they've done something wrong.
> 
> One thing I wanted to mention in regard to your writing. For me, my intelligence and understanding is very artistic in nature: I write poetry, stories, articles, etc., I take photos, I like to bake and decorate and things like that. My boyfriend's intelligence and understanding is very logical and scientific/literal in nature: He looks at the grammar and spelling, can tell you how to set the settings on the camera to take a great picture, can write a computer program, or explain quantum physics. So, sometimes he has a hard time understanding something I've written because he's not creative/artistic in the same way I am, just as I can't understand a computer program he's written. It's just the way our brains work. I'm wondering if maybe that's what's going on here. Maybe your brain works one way, and his works the other, so he can't fully grasp whatever you're talking about. If that's the case, though, you two can work together on being able to better understand each other. You just have to learn patience and how to calmly keep explaining yourself, in more and more detail, until the other person gets it.
> 
> One other thing...my boyfriend tends to also be slightly insensitive when expressing his thought that he doesn't get it or it doesn't make sense to him. He is one of those "say it in the least amount of words possible" types. He doesn't always consider that saying it in the least amount of words possible can make it come across very harshly and can hurt my feelings. When he does that, I just tell him so. "That seems silly to me." "Honey, that really hurt my feelings that you think my idea is silly." Then he realizes that that's how what he said sounded, and he'll apologize and expand on his thought. "I thought people would be smart enough to figure that out for themselves and that it wasn't really necessary for someone to write an article about that." Then I'm able to see what he doesn't understand so I can explain it better.


I totally understand the very logical kind of men.
They've no idea that our emotional is deep & beautiful that's why you're able to write poems, and good in writing.
From sms, for example, I typed a lot in a sms but my husband would reply me very precisely. "ok" that's it. Very rarely would he write a sentence more 5 words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> One other thing...my boyfriend tends to also be slightly insensitive when expressing his thought that he doesn't get it or it doesn't make sense to him. He is one of those "say it in the least amount of words possible" types. He doesn't always consider that saying it in the least amount of words possible can make it come across very harshly and can hurt my feelings. When he does that, I just tell him so. "That seems silly to me." "Honey, that really hurt my feelings that you think my idea is silly." Then he realizes that that's how what he said sounded, and he'll apologize and expand on his thought. "I thought people would be smart enough to figure that out for themselves and that it wasn't really necessary for someone to write an article about that." Then I'm able to see what he doesn't understand so I can explain it better.


How did I miss this the first time I read your reply?
YES, this sounds just like my husband!!!
Hopefully we can get to a point where he can express his opinions, confusion, disagreement, uncertainty, in a way that doesn't hurt my feelings or offend me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AHA moment (and then I need to get my mind off this)!

Therapist told us to become aware of what we need in a moment of tension. In last night's moment of tension....

I needed: SUPPORT.

My husband didn't appear to become aware of what he needed because he didn't tell me, at first, but I'm guessing....

He needed: ACCEPTANCE of his opinion.

OK, so I could've said: "OK. Thanks for your feedback. I'll let you know how it turns out."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Are there areas of your life where you really *don't* get certain needs met by your spouse (need for support, sounding board, conversation, involvement re: something), and you accept that, and maybe get those needs met some other way?


 I would not call these things "Needs", but definitely desires or wants. My husband is near perfect for me in every way, but there are a couple things I wish he had "more of" : more of a lust for debate -- I enjoy intellectual reasoning/stimulation question/answer conversations - so I get that "fiesty interaction" many times with my friends , Forums, special TV programs, and reading. And I probably will always wish he was a little more "aggressive" in the bedroom. 

Only 2 beefs I can think of. On his end, I feel he would say for #1 : I need to have more patience with the kids, not get so bent out of shape when they don't clean up after themselves. I guess that has nothing to do with me & his needs, but it does the family - would lower the choas a little.


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## NorCalGuy (Dec 3, 2010)

What about when your spouse all but makes you feel bad for your needs but expects you to meet their every need? That is where I am with my wife. We are college students and she doesn't work. I'm a software developer and I work 30-40 hours per week on my own schedule. 

At one time, we had a very strong physical relationship. Now it is non existent. When I mention anything pertaining to a physical (non sexual) or intimate relationship, she all but gives me hell and tells me how she isn' interested, and since she isn't interested it shouldn't be a concern or need of mine. She told me she would rather have another pet than anything relating to romance; as though we need more pets considering the almost 30 we have. I just don't get why I am left to feel hurt and wrong because I love my wife and want a strong emotional and physical bond with her. 

The other thing she does that bothers me is she reduces intimacy down to sex. I see a difference between them. Sex can occur with no level of emotional or mental connection. It can be an act. Intimacy in my view is more connected on levels beyond just the physical. She sees it all as just a sex act and that irritates me. She will tell me "Lets get this over with now" and other cold comments. Yet, if I did to her what she does to me, she would cry and make me out to be a bad husband. I'm just hurt by the fact she would rather have a pet than an intimate marriage and she reduces my feelings and physica attraction to her down to a routine act. It leaves me considering moving on and cutting ties because this doesn't seem fair that I should be the one to take care of all the bills, be the only source of income, meet her needs,give her what she wants, and get nothing in return.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i do think some women come off as needy and clingy, but its because husbands (some parents too) dont listen or discount and nit-pick everything. and when you hear you arent good enough long enough yoou start to believe it.


men are constantly looking for valadiation, look at my car its better than yours (right) look at my chick shes banging (right) oh yo chick dont do that? mine does (right) my jobs better, my house is better....

so we all seek the praise of another person. its just nature....

dont we all deserve a pat on the head or butt for a job well done???
:rofl:


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Wow, I've been in VERY similar situations to the one you described! 

I guess my boyfriend is the more technically-minded one, while I'm the more creative one, but we are actually both excellent writers (I'm definitely bragging here haha, but we've both done extremely well in writing-based classes, exams, etc.). The thing is, we have TOTALLY different styles. I tend to be very descriptive in my language, focused more on cadence, flow, and the creation of vivid images or feelings. He is very pedantic, uses complex syntax, big words, and academic language. He can definitely intimidate with his language, while I guess my language is more nuanced and accessible (albeit on different levels) to a wider audience. We each think our way is "right" I suppose, but we both understand that everyone has their own style and way of thinking.

I think at times though we can both be too critical during proofreading. For me, I am hurt by comments like, "your writing is unclear," or "that sentence is irrelevant," or "that word is wrong." They sound like he somehow has the miraculous understanding of objective right/wrong, when his statements should just be opinions; I would much rather hear comments like "I don't like that word there," or "I don't understand this section." I value his opinion, but I don't value condescension (intentional or not) that goes with the "this objectively sucks" statements.

It can be tough taking creative criticism; but growing a thicker skin can help SO much. I'm at the point now where I will listen and evaluate feedback, whether it's positive or horribly negative, without taking it too personally...I feel obligated to listen but NOT obligated to follow advice. Building thicker skin also allows you to build a filter for bad advice; you can judge what suggestions are worth pursuing, and you won't need to seek approval. With creative work--writing especially--ultimately your first responsibility is to yourself, to create something you are proud of, and not something someone else wanted you to do. 

Anyway, as far as the not meeting needs goes...This summer we were fighting a lot, and I think it can be boiled down to:
-I wasn't meeting his need for emotional support in a stressful time
-He wasn't meeting my need for being responsible/strong/active (taking enough initiative) during that same time

It didn't wreck us but it sure wasn't fun.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I love this topic, and you know why? It is a SPOT ON, PERFECT example of the way that things like personality differences and love language differences affect people in a marriage. 

Using you as an example, credamdóchasgra, I'll literally just use the info you gave us. You mention that sometimes you like to talk your ideas though externally. You mention you'd like him to support your ideas or at least say "Good idea!" You mention that he tends instead to say 'I don't get it" and then when you try to explain it, he shows you the errors point by point. You mention you'd like to be "understood" and your husband acts as if this is a foreign concept to him. 

What's going on here is that your hubby is an introvert where you may be an extrovert or at least have more extrovert tendencies than he does. Also I believe he is a Thinker and you are a Feeler, so he analyzes and contemplates whereas you have emotions, understanding and support. Likewise it sounds like you have a Love Kindler for emotional commitment (being valued, accepted, appreciated, admired) and he just may not have that particular kindler...or it's there in a different way. 

In other words, he's not an insensitive jerk unwilling to meet your needs--he's just not you. 

One of the best ways you can work with this is to find out your own personality type and learn about it--then share about yourself with your husband. Likewise it would be great if he also learned his personality type and shared it with you. Then you two could read about the other's type and be aware that these are the areas you are likely to misinterpret, not because the other is heartless, but rather just because one is speaking introvert ... the other extrovert. Then you'd know ahead of time to be aware of that difference! 

So here is a very concrete example from you and one from me okay? You said you like to talk your ideas through out loud, and this was the clue to me that you might be more of an extrovert. Extroverts can tend to process things externally, have fairly high energy, and increase their energy by being with others. And introvert, by contrast, would be utterly silent as they mill over an idea until they have reached the full conclusion...and THEN they might discuss it. Introverts tend to process things internally, like the peace and security of home or a certain place, and may love people but being with people sucks the life out of them. 

So ExtrovertFeelerYou says "I'm developing a concept on how kids can do XYZ" and it's not utterly firm in your mind but you are hoping to be able to sort of brainstorm. IntrovertThinkerHim hears "I have a concrete way for kids to do XYZ" and he would like to hear this concrete way to evaluate/analyze it. So he says "Oh? What is it?" so that you'll give him more data. EF-You then proceed to give your concept framework and maybe a few possibilities not sure which makes more sense--and you hope he'll respond with some positive energy about the concept. IT-Him hears something that's not concrete and makes no logical sense, so he says "I don't get it" because he can't analyze this partial idea--but you hear criticism or lack of acceptance. Then you try to talk through your idea looking for some brainstorming "back and forth" with professional suggestions and encouragement--but he hears you talking in incomplete circles. IT-Him thinks "Is this really her concrete way? I am an educated grown man and there is no conclusion so it's incomprehensible." He basically says that, and EF-You are hurt and feel unsupported. 

Here's how you change it! 

EF-You says "I'm developing a concept on how kids can do XYZ--and this is not a completed concept yet. I would like to brainstorm with you and at the end, if you approve of where it concluded, would you please express in some way that you are proud of me?" IT-Him may be willing to try brainstorming but may not be very good at it because he's an INTERNAL thinker so it will take a lot out of him. But if he says he'll try, it may sound a bit critical. Still...let's assume the two of you batter possibilities back and forth and reach a conclusion. You have asked him out loud for what you'd like, and he gave the brainstorming a try, so now try to take a litle bit of his language: "So the conclusion is that kids can do XYZ by following this procedure (summarize in bullet format or in steps)." IT-Him "Yes that is correct." (Psssst...you may not realize it, but right there that is approval by an introverted thinker  ) Then maybe EF-You could say, "I am very proud of myself for having this unique idea because it's a whole new method for approaching this.  Would you give me a little celebratory hug?" IT-Him would think "I would do that, sure" and there ya go!


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