# Were my sexual expectations unrealistic?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I was married 18 years and my sex life was never what I thought it should be. I realize that people have different levels of drive. Experts are always reluctant to say how often is normal, because if a couple both enjoys it once a year, then I guess that's their norm and its ok. But is a person wrong or irrational for expecting some kind of regularity if two people seem to love each other? My wife acted like she was crazy about me, especially in the early years, but that didn't necessarily translate to physical passion. We quickly got down to once a week and then once every several weeks. My wife seemed to think that sex had nothing to do with a marriage and that if I wanted it very often, I was some kind of sex maniac. Even though sexual desires differ, isn't something wrong if someone doesn't want sex on a regular basis with their significant other, whether it be a medical problem, stress, or something emotionally wrong with the relationship? I mean, how can everything be great and a person not enjoy sex with their partner on a fairly regular basis? I equate it to a desire for food. If I loose my appetite for food, It feels normal to not want to eat, but that doesn't mean something isn't wrong. If I smell a dead skunk, I can temporarily loose my appetite, or perhaps illness can cause it on a long term basis, but nonetheless, something isn't right. My wife was never into trying to do anything to spice things up, and if I read about or heard about ways to spice it up, she always thought it was weird. I read an article once where a couple went to a therapist and at some point the therapist gave them a book of various sexual positions and asked them to try two before they came back. The article talked about how it really spiced up the couple's sex life, but my wife thought it was the silliest thing she ever heard. I always thought that if I were flirting with everyone in sight or looking at porn, I could certainly see whaere there would be a problem with me, but what's so wrong with wanting to have sex with your wife? That's all I ever wanted.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Your sexual expectation is not unrealistic!

Something is wrong with your wife's thinking.

Once I posted a survey asking people( Taiwanese) if they can live in a sexless marriage, all men said that they can't. They say sex is like food, if they don't have it, they die. A few women replied that they can endure it, but most of the women who replied said that they can't live in sexless marriage either. 

What you have is very little. My husband has a low sex libido compare to a lot of men, he still wants three or four times a week. I am a different woman, I want sex almost every day. My husband knows how much I enjoy sex, so whenever I want him, he is there for me! He knows it is important to satisfy me!

If your wife knows how important it is to make you happy, she knows what she should do. If she doesn't see the importance, she doesn't understand men. 

Sex in a marriage is like an important organ in our body, if we don't have it, our marriage dies!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

She has a low sex drive. There might be a medical problem causing it, or it might just be that she has a very low drive. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with her. And if you've told her there's something wrong with her, or implied it, that's not going to help matters. 

I can understand your frustration with the situation as it is, though. 

I think, after this long, you should realize that she's probably not going to change. And knowing that, you have to decide whether or not you can live with the situation as it is or whether it's an important enough issue to end things and move on.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Our relationship was that we used to be wild and crazy, swinger clubs, other women in our bed several times, we even honeymooned at a swingers campground. That was 17 years ago. Since that time we've had 3 kids and her libido dropped off the planet. We nearly seperated over the nonexistant sex. She didn't care for it, she was ashamed to talk about sex or even what our sex life had been before. I found the good people here, too many to mention, and they've patiently guided me to where I am now. There were lots of heartbreaking arguments along the way as well as an ultimatum. I'm 56 and she's 38. For me it's twilight time and I'm not going to spend the last few years of my life in a cold and lonley bed. Kids or no kids. She's told me that I can't just leave, that's not right! I don't know where that twisted reailit is based but I will not raise kid's to think that they have to sacrifice their happieness just to stay under one roof. That only perpetuates the problem for their generation. My wife concede, not wanting to leave or see me leave. We tried a lot of things and found a few that work. It takes time. We now have a physical relationship that rounds out our life together and I love her even more every day. My wife is the air I breathe and the lifeforce of my soul. We know more about each other than ever before. I just learned how to get her off through her gspot and she is eager for that every day. It's like her body just woke up after a deep sleep and is rarin' to go. I can't tell you how sexy it feels to have her lean over and whisper in my ear during breakfast with our three kids that her nipples are sooo sensitive that she may have to go take her bra off! He he he.
Talk with your wife not to her. And then do it again. And then do it again. Share with her how you feel and what you need and expect. Honesty should be one of those things...for both of you. Give it a while. A few weeks or a few months. You will know but don't be hasty. If it works, good for both of you. If it isn't in the cards leave. I happen to think if you really want her you'll put in some real extra effort.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> She has a low sex drive. There might be a medical problem causing it, or it might just be that she has a very low drive. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with her.



Sure, I don't mean there is something wrong as if she has a disease or is mentally off, but isn't a low sex drive caused by something? I can't put a number of times on normal sex, but once every few weeks just seems lacking to me. Sometimes I read about people saying their partner has a low sex drive and they only do it 2 or 3 times a week! They consider that low? That would be on fire for my wife. If a person only desires sex once every few weeks, shouldn't that be a sign that something isn't right. It may be as simple as they are not satisfied with their relationship in other areas, but isn't something a bit off, especially in one's 20s and 30s?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
If your partner is attracted to you, then 2-3 times a week is totally normal. Yours was not only "not" attracted to you, she did everything she could to make it seem like she was "normal' and your desires made you the "freak/pervert". If she had been honest - she would have acknowledged how she really felt. My guess - she saw you as a good/great provider, liked you as a friend and simply tolerated sex as a means to keep you around.

This doesn't necessarily mean anything about you. It simply means that SHE wasn't attracted to you.




southbound said:


> Sure, I don't mean there is something wrong as if she has a disease or is mentally off, but isn't a low sex drive caused by something? I can't put a number of times on normal sex, but once every few weeks just seems lacking to me. Sometimes I read about people saying their partner has a low sex drive and they only do it 2 or 3 times a week! They consider that low? That would be on fire for my wife. If a person only desires sex once every few weeks, shouldn't that be a sign that something isn't right. It may be as simple as they are not satisfied with their relationship in other areas, but isn't something a bit off, especially in one's 20s and 30s?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> If a person only desires sex once every few weeks, shouldn't that be a sign that something isn't right. It may be as simple as they are not satisfied with their relationship in other areas, but isn't something a bit off, especially in one's 20s and 30s?


 It could be nothing more than very low hormone levels, have you ever demanded she be checked ? Some women have started to take "testosterone cream" , recommended by their Docs, to get their sex drive back. I am sure this has 'enhanced" many marraiges, even saved some. 

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/testosterone-cream-and-libido

The reviews for this sound hit or miss, but this must be the kind of stuff they are talking about...

Amazon.com: Libido Edge Testosterone Cream For Women - 4 oz (120 ml): Health & Personal Care: Reviews, Prices & more


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> SB,
> If your partner is attracted to you, then 2-3 times a week is totally normal. Yours was not only "not" attracted to you, she did everything she could to make it seem like she was "normal' and your desires made you the "freak/pervert". If she had been honest - she would have acknowledged how she really felt. My guess - she saw you as a good/great provider, liked you as a friend and simply tolerated sex as a means to keep you around.
> 
> This doesn't necessarily mean anything about you. It simply means that SHE wasn't attracted to you.



Could she have been confused and thought she was attracted to me 20 years ago, but something about sex scared her? She actually pursued me heavily; it wasn't like I had to beg her to go out with me. That's what makes this whole thing so confusing.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

southbound said:


> Could she have been confused and thought she was attracted to me 20 years ago, but something about sex scared her? She actually pursued me heavily; it wasn't like I had to beg her to go out with me. That's what makes this whole thing so confusing.


(Why can't communism become successful? Because people think no matter how much they do, they get the same amount like everybody else. They stop working hard, they start acting rude.)

Before the ring is on the finger, they try very hard to get that ring, especially if you are more successful than most other men she knows.

That's why you can get a lot of sex before the wedding. 

After they ring is on the finger, they feel" I am secure now, I am protected by that certificate, no matter what, we are married, he has to provide for me unconditionally, I can take a break........."

I don't know what happened in your marriage for all those past years, but I have read many sexless marriages like yours, taking her man for granted, stop making effort, being bothered by life in general, so called depression, etc.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
This is a complex question that likely she "could" answer if she wanted to. Let me start by asking you a question. What do you think triggered her pursuit?
- Money (were you clearly successful back then/way better off than she was financially?)
- Personality - Did you two really "click" - could talk about anything - maybe she even found you funny/entertaining as well?
- Other non-sexual things

I ask because her behavior early on was a huge red flag. She claimed to be in love, but the standard sexual desire that typically comes with that "emotional package" was lacking from the start. Why? 

How many sexual LTR's had you been in prior to this one? How did they go/end? How about her? How many prior lovers and what was her sex life like with them?

How open was she about what she liked sexually in the beginning? How willing was she to experiment? 



southbound said:


> Could she have been confused and thought she was attracted to me 20 years ago, but something about sex scared her? She actually pursued me heavily; it wasn't like I had to beg her to go out with me. That's what makes this whole thing so confusing.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> SB,
> This is a complex question that likely she "could" answer if she wanted to. Let me start by asking you a question. What do you think triggered her pursuit?
> - Money (were you clearly successful back then/way better off than she was financially?)
> - Personality - Did you two really "click" - could talk about anything - maybe she even found you funny/entertaining as well?
> ...



I think she liked me in part because of my looks and it seemed that our personalities clicked back then really well. Otherwise, I can't explain it; I had never had a girl who seemed so interested before. Back then, she was late teens and I was early twenties and we had both been conservative and not a lot of prior experience. She was never into much experimentation, just standard sexual activity.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Mem11363

I was married 18 years and my sex life was never what I thought it should be.

Judith: Remember dont put expectations on it. Remember it can be good but you can want to make it great. 

I realize that people have different levels of drive. Experts are always reluctant to say how often is normal, because if a couple both enjoys it once a year, then I guess that's their norm and its ok.

Judith: Usually if it is once a year for a couple younger than 50 -something usually is not okay. Norm can be anywhere from once a week to like three times a week. A guy in his 30s and beyond is slowing down and needs more stimulation to -it becomes quality instead of quantity but also the more you do it the more you want it. Couples can make it happen again and make it become more than once a week. Once a month is usually for couples older than 50. because both body parts are slowing down. 

But is a person wrong or irrational for expecting some kind of regularity if two people seem to love each other? My wife acted like she was crazy about me, especially in the early years, but that didn't necessarily translate to physical passion. We quickly got down to once a week and then once every several weeks. 

Judtih: Something is troubling her if it is starting to dwindle down to nothing. The key is not to blame you or her. But to talk about it and find out what is going on. She could be dealing with emotions issues. Women can't have sex after a conflict. 

My wife seemed to think that sex had nothing to do with a marriage and that if I wanted it very often, I was some kind of sex maniac. 

Judtih: She probably has some background that is contributed to this-but it can be overcome

Even though sexual desires differ, isn't something wrong if someone doesn't want sex on a regular basis with their significant other, whether it be a medical problem, stress, or something emotionally wrong with the relationship? 

Judith; Yes

I mean, how can everything be great and a person not enjoy sex with their partner on a fairly regular basis? 

Judith; Usually it has to do with emotional issues if there is no medical problem going on with the woman. 

I equate it to a desire for food. If I loose my appetite for food, It feels normal to not want to eat, but that doesn't mean something isn't wrong. If I smell a dead skunk, I can temporarily loose my appetite, or perhaps illness can cause it on a long term basis, but nonetheless, something isn't right. My wife was never into trying to do anything to spice things up, and if I read about or heard about ways to spice it up, she always thought it was weird. I read an article once where a couple went to a therapist and at some point the therapist gave them a book of various sexual positions and asked them to try two before they came back. The article talked about how it really spiced up the couple's sex life, but my wife thought it was the silliest thing she ever heard. I always thought that if I were flirting with everyone in sight or looking at porn, I could certainly see whaere there would be a problem with me, but what's so wrong with wanting to have sex with your wife? 

Judith: Nothing is wrong. It sounds to me like she has issues that are causing her to see sex in a negative light. I know that you being gentle can win her over. Do you start with nonsexual touch and then lead into sexual touch. Also are you nonsexually hug her through out the day etc. 

That's all I ever wanted.

Judith: I can't stress this enough but talk talk talk 

ARe you doing a date nite once a week-helping aroudn the house etc. 

Judith


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