# Motel room courtesy. Go to frigging sleep when everyone else does.



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Just curious as to what others see as being polite or courteous or not to others they are sharing a motel room.

Last night my wife, her dad, our daughter and I stayed in a motel and everyone knew we had to get up early. Her dad and I packed it in around 9 PM. Wife however stayed up late playing games on her Ipad with our daughter despite multiple polite and a few not so polite requests to keep it down and go to sleep.  

Anyone want to take a guess at who was a crabby unfocused witch all day because she once again did not get enough sleep? 

Anyway at what point is it allowable/reasonable to go beyond asking nicely and to just take someones toys away?  

(I am not talking about the kid either. She's pretty well behaved and listens.)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*MT: It's about time for you to have a responsible "Come-to-Jesus-Meeting" with her! Judging by your description of events, I'd have to say that the kid here is not necessarily the smallest person in your family!*


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

We are working up to that. 

I went to the counselor last week to get checked over to see if I am the primary source of the problems and it was pretty clear it's not me. 

She is scheduled for next week and if things go well it will be both of us after that. If it doesn't goes well it might be a brain doctor for her next.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

married tech said:


> Anyway at what point is it allowable/reasonable to go beyond asking nicely and to just take someones toys away?


Why couldn't you get some earplugs and a sleep mask?

Which I'm asking only because, you can't control someone else but when you need your sleep you should take care of YOU. The ear plugs and sleep mask would have helped.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about an agreement next time among everyone about when lights will go out?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Why couldn't you get some earplugs and a sleep mask?
> 
> Which I'm asking only because, you can't control someone else but when you need your sleep you should take care of YOU. The ear plugs and sleep mask would have helped.


I don't have either and had no motivation to go and find them. I figured that as a 37 year old adult who had full knowledge of what time we all had to get up at the next morning that shut up and go to sleep should have been rather self evident. 

TO be honest I was not so worried about my sleep. Her dad and I are they type who can sit down and take a short nap any time so we could catch up today if given a chance. 

She is the one who needs sleep worse than the other three of us combined otherwise crabby irrational over tired witch wife runs amok. 
That's why I wanted her to go to sleep. Not for me last night but for me today. 

Still I feel that when you are in a motel room with other people it's basic courtesy to at least shut up and keep the lights down when everyone else goes to bed. Even more so when you are the parent of a 5 year old.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Keep in mind, I don't know your story...

But what you are saying comes across entirely as contempt, which is one of the things that are present in couples who end up divorced. The presence of contempt can predict a divorce, in other words.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If I wasn't tired at 9 it would be very hard for me to fall asleep. I would have put on my headphones and watched something on my tablet/computer and tried not to make noise but I couldn't just lay there for hours while I waited to fall asleep.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Turnabout would be fair play. You and Dad up at 5 am seems reasonable. No need to try and be quiet.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Keep in mind, I don't know your story...
> 
> But what you are saying comes across entirely as contempt, which is one of the things that are present in couples who end up divorced. The presence of contempt can predict a divorce, in other words.


I don't think its contempt. Things with her are more complicated than that. 



> If I wasn't tired at 9 it would be very hard for me to fall asleep. I would have put on my headphones and watched something on my tablet/computer and tried not to make noise but I couldn't just lay there for hours while I waited to fall asleep.


Well I would see that as being courteous and respectful of the other people in the room! 

To be honest I have done that many times when I cant get to sleep. What I don't do is make a lot of noise and show absolutely no regard for anyone else's feelings but myself.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Did you suggest any other options, like headphones, or was it just telling her to go to sleep? 9PM isn't really late, even when you do have to wake early, so to just say like your title says for her to go to frigging sleep isn't really a compromise. Was she was upset that you two went to bed so early expecting her to be quiet and go to bed at that time too?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Narcissism is a ***** to deal with. I feel your pain.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Next time, get two different hotel rooms if your sleep schedules/patterns do not mesh. 

I agree with SlowlyGoingCrazy that if you are not tired it is very difficult to just lay there and wait for sleepiness to take over. If your wife/daughter were playing on their iPad(s) without headphones I can see how that would be disrespectful. Or even if they chatted and laughed back and forth. 

However, if they were trying to keep it down, that should be recognized and everyone needs to pick their battles. When you shove 4 people in one hotel room then the odds are pretty good that someone won't be sleeping well. Especially if one of those people are known to go to bed later and may not have the best manners.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Next time, get two different hotel rooms if your sleep schedules/patterns do not mesh.


I'm not going to waste another $100 on a second motel room because she can't shut up. It doesn't show proper money management of which she needs as much of a positive example of that as possible. 

If it was up to me we would have spent $150 and got a nice two room suite with a hot tub but unfortunately all we could afford was a cheap room this trip being she has financially ran us flat broke despite knowing full well for two months that we were going on this overnight trip. 

I had thought that she was saving up for the trip but as it turned out only I was saving up so everything had to come out of my pocket hence the cheap low budget approach to everything.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Can you clarify specifically what bothered you? Was she actively hindering your ability to sleep by making noise or keeping the lights on? Or were you just upset that she wasn't going to bed at the time you specified?

If she was silently playing the game in the dark, I don't think you have a right to be upset. She's an adult and can choose to go to bed later. Obviously, that's what she wanted to do. The way you describe the situation sounds more like the way a parent would treat a child. You seem to know better than her when she should go to bed. To me, that seems more like an issue about your need for control rather than her doing something wrong.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

4 people in a hotel room? What is this a college road trip?

I haven't stayed in a hotel room with more than just my wife since I graduated college. Not that it would have solved your issue.

On the point though:

You can't really control people's schedule. I dunno about you and your wife, but I and my wife actually need very different amounts of sleep. I'll often stay up for several hours after she does and pop out of bed just as relaxed and refreshed as she does.

Doesn't necessarily sound like your case though. Maybe talk with your wife before hand if another situation like this may come up? I'd pack ear plugs and an eye mask too just incase.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

wilson said:


> she actively hindering your ability to sleep by making noise or keeping the lights on? If she was silently playing the game in the dark, I don't think you have a right to be upset.


Logic indicates that a young kid up late on holiday playing a video game with someone else is not sitting there silently.
And I for one would have taken it off them.

I bet they just carried on just to test him anyway, so the right answer is always to do something about it.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

married tech said:


> I'm not going to waste another $100 on a second motel room because she can't shut up. It doesn't show proper money management of which she needs as much of a positive example of that as possible.
> 
> If it was up to me we would have spent $150 and got a nice two room suite with a hot tub but unfortunately all we could afford was a cheap room this trip being she has financially ran us flat broke despite knowing full well for two months that we were going on this overnight trip.
> 
> I had thought that she was saving up for the trip but as it turned out only I was saving up so everything had to come out of my pocket hence the cheap low budget approach to everything.


Oh my. Sounds like you have more issues than just being kept awake.  

Has this turned into a father/child dynamic? And I'm not saying that to flame you. Sometimes it happens and we don't even realize it's going on.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Nothing wrong with an adult deciding to stay up late. Something wrong with not having enough respect of her spouse to, not keep the noise down because she wants her best friend(her spouse) to get the sleep he needs to have a nice day.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Can you clarify specifically what bothered you? Was she actively hindering your ability to sleep by making noise or keeping the lights on? Or were you just upset that she wasn't going to bed at the time you specified?


See post 6. 



> Oh my. Sounds like you have more issues than just being kept awake.
> 
> Has this turned into a father/child dynamic? And I'm not saying that to flame you. Sometimes it happens and we don't even realize it's going on.


It's more of an overbearing mother trying to treat everyone like kids while trying to act and get treated as a spoiled child herself.

I grew up 20+ years ago when the reality of being an adult kicked me hard in the ass. By my feelings she needs a refresher kick to help jog her memory of who she is and how old she is.

She wants the privileges of being and adult without the responsibility and sacrifices that go with it. Or at least she wants to pick and chose when she is going to be an adult and up hold the duties that go with it. If that makes sense. 

Believe me I can appreciate letting my inner child out to have a good run a round at times.:smthumbup:
I think its a very healthy thing to do. the problem is when she decides to let hers out is rarely the proper time for it. It's like doing sexual touching and foreplay. In the privacy of your own home or yard is good. In the middle of Walmart is not. She seems to have great difficulty following that some days. 

For me the whole motel issue would not have been a problem if we had no set time to get out of bed the next day.
If things had been that way I could have cared less and they could have stayed up until 3 in the morning playing games and making noise. Unfortunately the reality was we all had to get up early get some important things taken care of then do a near 300 mile drive home after that and she knew it and that's what pissed me off.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Something wrong with not having enough respect of her spouse to, not keep the noise down because she wants her best friend(her spouse) to get the sleep he needs to have a nice day.


Well to be honest I am blessed with the ability to be able to sit down relax and take a nap in the middle of the day if I need one and have the time to do it which she is and has admitted to being super jealous of. 

Because of that she will deliberately do what she can to keep me up just to make sure I have as crappy and overtired next day ans she figures she is going to have. Misery loves company.

Her personality is of the highly driven type but her motivation and follow through skills stink which causes a lot of internal conflict for her and us. She has great hopes and dreams for her life but she expects others to drop what they are doing to satisfy her wants. 
I don't play that game. Never have and never will. I will help and encourage to no end but I won't do your work for you. 

I am the more laid back thought out planner type who has a focus and direction I want to go but I do not place unrealistic time frames on my getting there. I will get there when I get there and I will enjoy the trip along the way.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

She needs help to grow up. She needs consequences for her actions. Maybe some good boundaries would help her? Look up the boundaries site started by the writers Cloud and Townsend(I think that's them). Maybe she will understand better.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Maybe some good boundaries would help her?


The last time I or anyone else tried putting a boundary on her things went over like someone tried using a big hammer to diffuse a nuke.  

I still have the radiation burns from it today.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

married tech said:


> I figured that as a 37 year old adult who had full knowledge of what time we all had to get up at the next morning that shut up and go to sleep should have been rather self evident.





married tech said:


> I am the more laid back thought out planner type who has a focus and direction I want to go but I do not place unrealistic time frames on my getting there. I will get there when I get there and I will enjoy the trip along the way.


Wow. These quotes seem like they are from different people. You don't seem like a laid back guy from the tone of this thread. Telling everyone to go to bed at 9 and then getting angry when they don't doesn't sound very laid back or enjoying the trip along the way.

If my wife went to bed at 9, I wouldn't join her. I wouldn't fall asleep for a long time and my tossing and turning would keep her up. It's unrealistic to expect someone to go to sleep just because you tell them to.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

wilson said:


> If my wife went to bed at 9, I wouldn't join her. I wouldn't fall asleep for a long time and my tossing and turning would keep her up. It's unrealistic to expect someone to go to sleep just because you tell them to.


There's a pretty big gap between not going to bed when requested and making it difficult for everyone else to do so.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Cletus said:


> There's a pretty big gap between not going to bed when requested and making it difficult for everyone else to do so.


Actually, it hasn't been clarified specifically what she was doing that made it difficult for the others to sleep. I asked earlier and he referred to post 6. 


> She is the one who needs sleep worse than the other three of us combined otherwise crabby irrational over tired witch wife runs amok.
> That's why I wanted her to go to sleep. Not for me last night but for me today.


 There he says that he thought she needed to go to sleep so she would be well rested the next day. So she wasn't actually doing things to keep him up. Rather, he couldn't sleep because he was angry that she didn't do what he wanted. 

The tone of the OP is quite condescending towards the wife by calling her a witch and referring to taking away her toys. So far in everything I've read, I think the problem is with the OP. He sound like he wants to control the situation and is getting angry when it doesn't work out like he wants. But it's not that other people are actually doing bad things. Rather, it's that they're not doing the things he wants them to do.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> There he says that he thought she needed to go to sleep so she would be well rested the next day. So she wasn't actually doing things to keep him up. Rather, he couldn't sleep because he was angry that she didn't do what he wanted.
> 
> The tone of the OP is quite condescending towards the wife by calling her a witch and referring to taking away her toys. So far in everything I've read, I think the problem is with the OP. He sound like he wants to control the situation and is getting angry when it doesn't work out like he wants. But it's not that other people are actually doing bad things. Rather, it's that they're not doing the things he wants them to do.


Fair enough. 

How would you handle dealing with your significant other if you knew they need a certain amount of sleep every night in order to be function and be tolerable for everyone else to be around? 

If she can chose to not sleep than be a total witch to everyone the next day does that mean I have the right to get blistering drunk every morning and take my irrational drunken wrath out on everyone regardless of what they did in return? 

I was under the impression that being married meant that each of us has a level of responsibility for taking care of the other person even when they are less than willing to to do it themselves.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

wilson said:


> Actually, it hasn't been clarified specifically what she was doing that made it difficult for the others to sleep. I asked earlier and he referred to post 6.


I took this part of the original post at face value. Perhaps that was my mistake:



> Her dad and I packed it in around 9 PM. Wife however stayed up late playing games on her Ipad with our daughter despite multiple polite and a few not so polite requests to *keep it down* and go to sleep.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

married tech said:


> Fair enough.
> 
> How would you handle dealing with your significant other if you knew they need a certain amount of sleep every night in order to be function and be tolerable for everyone else to be around?
> 
> ...



Your inexperience with women is not allowing you to maintain pespective on minor issues. You're whining about an event that was totally within your control to mitigate. You appear to have passive/aggressive behavior and refuse to take action to your benefit. Your expectations are those of a person who views themselves as a victim. Victims cannot be leaders of their families which is your primary responsibility in life. Your wife's behavior (other thread) is a direct result of her lack of respect for you. It's time to man up and stop believing that most women will appreciate the "sensitive man" over the long term. You are not behaving from a place of emotional strength and you will not be able to get there if you don't change your perspective. She wants you to lead. She wants you to calmly tell her when she's out of control. She wants you to make more money. Counceling will help you with perspective but changing your behavior is the only chance you have to be happy.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Your inexperience with women is not allowing you to maintain pespective on minor issues. You're whining about an event that was totally within your control to mitigate. You appear to have passive/aggressive behavior and refuse to take action to your benefit. Your expectations are those of a person who views themselves as a victim. Victims cannot be leaders of their families which is your primary responsibility in life. Your wife's behavior (other thread) is a direct result of her lack of respect for you. It's time to man up and stop believing that most women will appreciate the "sensitive man" over the long term. You are not behaving from a place of emotional strength and you will not be able to get there if you don't change your perspective. She wants you to lead. She wants you to calmly tell her when she's out of control. She wants you to make more money. Counceling will help you with perspective but changing your behavior is the only chance you have to be happy.


I am very experienced with women. It's largely why I made it to age 35 without ever getting married.  

I don't like confronting people when others are with us and she knows it. I find it tactless and rude. 

As I said in the other posts I was less concerned about my and her dads sleep and more concerned about the fact that when she does not get enough sleep herself she goes off the deep end and makes everyone's life miserable later. 

Looking back yes I probably should have taken the ipad from them but then who knows what sort of nonsensical crap she would have came up with to retaliate over it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

married tech said:


> Just curious as to what others see as being polite or courteous or not to others they are sharing a motel room.
> 
> Last night my wife, her dad, our daughter and I stayed in a motel and everyone knew we had to get up early. Her dad and I packed it in around 9 PM. Wife however stayed up late playing games on her Ipad with our daughter despite multiple polite and a few not so polite requests to keep it down and go to sleep.
> 
> ...


It sounds like someone needed a spanking and I'm not talking about the kid!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would also like to add that her father might have admired your resolve in the matter.


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## srhgsfjd (Feb 1, 2014)

Keep in mind, I don't know your story...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

married tech said:


> I was under the impression that being married meant that each of us has a level of responsibility for taking care of the other person even when they are less than willing to to do it themselves.


:iagree: 

What is the point of being married if you have to do everything yourself?


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