# I need some space



## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

Does this mean we cannot talk because all she does is ignore me


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

I would ask her what that means? and how long does she need her "space" before she will start talking again.


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

One day she'll talk and the next nothing not even about the kids


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Uh-oh. A wife needing "space"...

...all too many times, that translates into "I've met someone".


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## jkyoung1013 (Feb 14, 2012)

Best advice I can give is try to think back into your relationship and determine if you have failed in anyway. While it is possible space means space to go see another person, it also could mean they are waking up to changes in your relationship and need to "shut down and process" the changes. I have picked up the book "The Love Dare" which basically retrains you in how you relate to your spouse. I too an going through this, what I found is I have an issue communicating with my wife, meaning I have heavily contributed to the problem. Has she tried to communicate issues to you in the past, how have you responded, what would you tell your sister or another female friend if they came to you and told you a story similar to the current chapter you and your wife are in. Do this before its too late for you, I fear I am waking up in my marriage too late. Do not smother her, check her phone, checkup on her, just go about your daily routine and let her come to you. Respond to her, but the only conversation you should initiate is why do you need space or I realize my part in our problems and I am sorry. This is what I will do in the future to alleviate these concerns. 

What woke me up was a friend of mine telling me that 'When someone communicates to you regardless of how valid or correct their point is, it is real to them. Put yourself in their shoes and show that you can see their point of view. Do not argue with them, do not start any sentence with You did this. Start every sentence with I feel when we". For example, in my situation: I feel lonely when we don't get to spend any time together. Is there something I can do to help ease your day?

Remember, her feelings are real (especially to her) and they need to be respected. A lot of times couples find their routines overwhelming and cannot break the rut. Is there one night a week that you guys could spend together, if she was willing? If you have kids, do you have a support system in place that could babysit for you for a few hours. 

Do not pine over her, do not fall over yourself when she calls, just do it the way you want to. If that means you change to be a better man and respond better to her great, if you feel you are already being a great husband then I have a great deal on a golden bridge in San Fransisco I could sell you. No one is perfect, what is different about you now than when you first met, when things were happy in your marriage...etc. Remember we are focusing on you not her faults. 

I will leave you with one last thought; working through marital issues is more like a game of golf than baseball. What I mean by that is in baseball you can do things to make it more difficult on your opponent, if he is a fastball hitter you can throw a curve ball...etc. in golf you can only hit the best shot you can. Marriage is a game of golf in that its two people who are playing individually, neither can or should control the outcome of each other's round. Just hit the best shots you can and if its not enough then one or both of you didn't want it bad enough to make it work. I wish you the best and feel free to reach out if you need to vent. Thanks


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Need more details. Married / dating? How long? Other details?

Generally this means she either found someone else or wants to.

If you hang out in the CWI board I'd say somewhere around 90% of cheaters said something along those lines.

If my wife started saying that stuff again, I'd be in panic mode.

Of all the things I've learned on TAM, the appropriate response to this phrase is the most important. Barring further details which you have not provided, assuming that you're married and she has uttered this phrase, along with possibly "I Love you but I'm not IN love with you," the appropriate response, "You need space? You can move out this weekend, here are the divorce papers. If you want to work on the marriage and commit 100% to each other, I will work with you on improving our marriage. If you do not, sign the papers and we will both go our separate ways."

Anything short of that is going to lead to you tacitly approving of her acting single (ie screwing around on you).

Recommendation is also to go super snoop. Phone bills, text messages, emails, FB, key loggers on the computer, VAR in the car or house, GPS if needed. Generally women don't say "I need space" unless they need space to get with someone. Up until that point, they'll just display disappointment and sadness but won't make any finite details to leave.

Usually the men with this problem are overtly Beta, ie pushovers. A man with clear boundaries and strong Alpha characteristics would not allow his wife to say something like this without consequences. This means that the wife is probably bored at home and wants some excitement. She'll get that from her affair. Pining over her and begging for her to come back just worsens the cycle.

Kicking her out of the house and moving on with your life is the correct response. It does several things:

1. Instantly makes you more attractive by showing you have self-respect and dignity and won't tolerate disrespect.
2. Ends any notion that she can have her cake and eat it too. This is infidelity code for women who want their husband to meet her emotional and financial needs while she gets her rocks off with someone else.
3. In the case that she doesn't want to commit to the marriage, it puts you in the best possible place to move on.

During this, you need to work on correcting any behaviors that would have driven your wife away. Listen to what she's saying, why is she unhappy? Where have you failed as a husband? Work on those things, without being a doormat or appeasing any of the inappropriate behavior that she is displaying (acting single).


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Is she stressed about something, have you guys not been getting along lately???


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

I may be very jaded, but when I hear a woman needs "space", it usually means they have already found your replacement or they have a very good idea who that man will be.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It sounds very fishy that she says she needs her "space" and then only talks to you on certain days. Have you eliminated the chance she may be seeing someone else? Perhaps spending time with the OM on the days she will not talk to you?

It's usually a way of cutting off the relationship without a huge show down. It's a way of emotional disconnect.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This thread was last posted on by OP in July 2011.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> This thread was last posted on by OP in July 2011.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing to see here....


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