# 50 Shades, for those who don't read this type of thing



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Weird thread title, sorry!

First, I'm not concerned, just curious.

As most women have read these books, it seems, I'm curious about those who don't typically (or ever) read romance/sex novels and why you got through these ones

I'm interested, because my wife plowed through them pretty quickly when they came out and were all the buzz. It hasn't affected our sex life in any way, shape or form, and she hasn't seemed to pick up any "ideas" from them.

However, everything I've heard about these books is that they're pretty graphic and definitely out there. Two things my wife is not. She's never had any interest whatsoever in anything even remotely related to bdsm - quite the opposite.

In short, these books are about the last things I'd have expected my wife to have read cover to cover. They haven't had any visible effect on her, she hasn't wanted to try anything, and she's historically been put off by the general subject matter.

So, I don't get it. Were they that good? Or are millions of women who otherwise don't fantasize getting off on these books and keeping it from their husbands?  And what, exactly, is the fantasy???

(note, she hasn't seen the movie nor shown any interest in doing so)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My meetup group just saw the movie (one of the members is a published romance novelist, and we talked about the movie afterwards). My wife has not read these books and doesn't read any romance novels. Everything I've heard is that the books aren't that well written, but that's not the point. It's about fantasy, I think. And most fantasies don't play well in reality, especially the BDSM angle - for most women. I think that this angle was just a fairly new theme, so caught on a while. But I think many women do enjoy the dominant, mysterious male fantasy, the guy who sweeps them off their feet (sometimes literally), knows what he wants, wants them, pursues them, and isn't hesitant about getting it. Basically, what many relationships lack after the dating stage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

alexm said:


> Weird thread title, sorry!
> 
> First, I'm not concerned, just curious.
> 
> ...



No, the books were not that good. Salacious? Absolutely! Erotic? Totally!

I don't know why some women devoured the books yet claim to not have been erotically affected by them, except for the main component in almost every erotic romance: the intensity of the man. 

The man's intense response to the woman is the cheese to the mouse, the crack to the ho, the sugar to the fly.

The lesson men can take from this is not to break out the ropes and paddles, but to up your intensity of desire for your wife. Banish all forms of passivity in bed. Because even women who would never ever accept a lopsided arrangement in power still get turned on by the man's intense desire for her.

Now you may think "but what about her desire for me? Don't I get to be desired so intensely?" Yes, you will be desired intensely, once she grows to crave your intensity.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

We saw the movie to see what the hype was about. My wife and I actually lol'd several times at how ridiculous it was. We also noticed that the majority of the audience were overweight middle-aged women. Probably living vicariously through these terribly developed characters and horrible story line. They could have stayed home with their cats and/or overweight husbands and watched 9 1/2 Weeks. A much better erotic movie with far superior actors.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I love reading erotica but I did not read these books. 

Mainly because 50 Shades was written as fan fiction to Twilight. I could barely get through Twilight because the writing was so horrible (fourth grade style - just horribly written).

As a lover of literature, I don't want to read something with such craptastic construction of words. 

Also, the storyline is about some dude losing his mind and not respecting her boundaries, and she has no personality/is a doormat etc. Not into it. I am so tired about reading female characters who are written with no personality.

Give me some Anaïs Nin any day.

With that said I did see the movie and it was as a camp as I expected. Dakota did a way better job as an actor than Jamie Dornan. He played him so camp that I was comical/over the top ridiculous.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CincyBluesFan said:


> My wife and I actually lol'd several times at how ridiculous it was.
> 
> They could have stayed home with their cats and/or overweight husbands *and watched 9 1/2 Weeks. A much better erotic movie with far superior actors*.


100% agree. 9 1/2 weeks was a WAY better film and did a better job portraying a Dom/Sub storyline. Also, it was sexier and more mature. 

50 Shades the film hardly had any kink in it at all. And for movie aimed at women, you'd think they'd show him naked more. LAME.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

The book is/was a triumph of marketing that caught the zeitgeist.

The media, then everyone else, gets to discuss its titillation, debate its (in)equality,, morality (etc).

In fact,, it's all very safe/tame,, which is why you have to look quite hard for people and 'groups' playing their offended card - the usual means by which the vaguely risqué finds an audience.

It's everything the chattering classes want it to be.

Hidden in the fog is that nobody who's managed to read it from cover to cover has said it's anything special. Certainly no asset to literature.

Little league controversy makes for cosy chats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's been a long time since I've seen 9 1/2 weeks but as I recall he seduced her and slowly took away her control. While 50 shades did not actually portray a loss of power with the exception of one sex scene in the first book. 

If I give you, my opinion have I lost control of that opinion?

If I give you permission to order me around have I lost control of that permission?

This is what people don't understand about D/s. The submissive always has the power.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I have heard the movie The Secretary is a lot better too but I haven't seen either to compare. 
I haven't read 50 shades, none of the females in my life have either. I have read quotes and pieces of it online, seems very badly written. 
But fantasy or reading this stuff does not mean you want to try any of it or that it's going to change you in any way. Maybe they just wanted to read it to see what the hype was all about.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> It's been a long time since I've seen 9 1/2 weeks but as I recall he seduced her and slowly took away her control.


So are you saying 9 1/2 weeks was more about him controlling her and not as d/s?



Anon Pink said:


> If I give you permission to order me around have I lost control of that permission?


Good point. Obviously, if one is allowing it, it's not a loss of control. But what if he isn't respecting her safe word?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I have heard the movie The Secretary is a lot better too but I haven't seen either to compare.


That is a great movie. I loved the cinematography. Maggie G and James Spader are solid actors, consistently.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I enjoyed Secretary.

Managed about 60 pages of a borrowed 50 Shades and near lost the will to live.

Secretary - 7/10

50 Shades - 1.5/10
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

It's "Secretary" not "The Secretary" which is also a movie. It's from 2002, and yes, it's a very good movie.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> So are you saying 9 1/2 weeks was more about him controlling her and not as d/s?
> 
> 
> 
> Good point. Obviously, if one is allowing it, it's not a loss of control. But what if he isn't respecting her safe word?


Yes, again as I recall he slowly seduced her to the point where she no longer had the ability to make decisions on her own. It was not a power exchange it was a power virus. At the end when he left her, or she left him I can't remember, she was unable to cope with daily life and all the decisions consequent.

When a submissive give up her control there is always a safeword and if it is not respected she should never consent to a power exchange with that person again because he is abusive. There is a lot of discussion that goes on in a D/s dynamic. A LOT! Long before the cuffs come out lots of trust and understanding has to already be in place.

Secretary was a phenomenal movie! Hot as hell! James Spader was perfect to Maggie Gyllenhaal's kink.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for 'splaining. 

Yeah that Mickey Rourke did do a # on Kim Basinger til she was like, I'm done (she ended up leaving him). GREAT film though. Seriously so sexy. The music, how it was shot, the acting, urrything. 

Yeah not respecting a safe word = a$$hole.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I don't remember anything erotic about Secretariat.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

alexm said:


> Weird thread title, sorry!
> 
> First, I'm not concerned, just curious.
> 
> ...


have you had this exact conversation with your wife? ask what should thought of the content as it seems to be out of character for her.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

How honest are women with their husbands? Maybe they would like to try different things, but never mention it, because they are afraid of what their husbands might think. I have always wished my wife would like to try other than celibacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alexm said:


> As most women have read these books, it seems, I'm curious about those who don't typically (or ever) read romance/sex novels and why you got through these ones.


I don't think that most women read them.

Publisher surveys that I've seen say that about 25% of women read romance novels.

Here are some numbers. Keep in mind that about 22% of romance novel readers are men.

Geography of Romance Readers 

29% of the Southern population reads romance

27% of the Western population reads romance

26% of the Midwest population reads romance

12.6% of the Northeast population reads romance


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't read them because they are so poorly written and the story lines are awful.

I read one when I was about 18. It was hard to get through because it was just so bad.

Since then I've tried to read a few more for easy reading... but they were awful.

A lot of women feel this way about the books.

Apparently some read them just because they want something mindless to read at times.


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

My wife reads a lot and she read all three of the 50 shades books and we watched the movie together. 

My wife found the books annoying and we both laughed out loud at the stupidity of the movie (sometimes uncontrollable laughter) 

My opinion of the majority of this audience is low.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm an avid reader (mostly crime fiction) and decided to read the first 50 Shades of Grey books because so many women were raving about it. It's erotic, yes, but also pretty boring (how many times can you read about somebody being tied up and spanked). I didn't manage to reach the end of the book (about 3/4 of the way through, I'd had enough and wanted to read something interesting). The sex scenes were a bit of a turn on though. From my point of view, the most interesting thing about the book was the manner in which Mr. Grey eased her into the enjoyment of pain. My husband likes rough sex which I find pretty painful but he's made no attempt to introduce me to it slowly, so I haven't managed to get to a stage where I enjoy it - sex is painful. The first time we had sex, although he knew that I hadn't had sex for three years, he made no attempt to be gentle or go slowly, he just went at it like a battering ram which shocked me. Three years down the line, it hasn't got any better. He's LD and we've just gone 6 months without sex but managed a session the other night when we were both a bit drunk. Again, no slow buildup, he just grabbed me and went for it - I didn't even get a chance to get turned on and the whole thing was so painful and unpleasant that I've now accepted that our sex life is definitely over - I just don't want sex to be like that so I will turn it down in future. 

Having said all that, I worked in a library for 10 years, so literature and what people read is always interesting for me. What I have noticed with 50 Shades of Grey is that most of the women who have really enjoyed it are those who would not normally read as a leisure activity. When I first saw friends who never read reading these books, I had thought that the experience of reading a book might serve to introduce them to the pleasures of reading and that they would then be looking for more books to read and get the reading habit. That hasn't happened and I now know loads of women who had never before read a whole book - they've read the 50 Shades Trilogy and instead of looking for more books to read, they just reread these same 3 books over and over again.

Personally, although I did find it erotic (especially to begin with), the buzz soon wore off and I needed something more interesting to read. I think if I still had a copy I would probably use it to read the sex scenes while masturbating, but, frankly, that's all it's any good for.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Joe Cool said:


> My wife reads a lot and she read all three of the 50 shades books and we watched the movie together.
> 
> My wife found the books annoying and we both laughed out loud at the stupidity of the movie (sometimes uncontrollable laughter)
> 
> My opinion of the majority of this audience is low.


Wow, same for us (I posted earlier in this thread). We actually did lol a couple times at how hokey it was. You know who didn't lol? All the overweight middle aged multiple cat-owning women that made up the majority of the audience. They loved every second of it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I read a lot, and while I don't read romance as a genre, I do think that a good romance subplot is great when done well. It just can't be the main focus of the story (usually). 

There are exceptions of course. I read Romeo and Juliet in high school and it's still awesome.

I just wish people would differentiate between romance and erotica. 50 shades is not romance, imo.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> There are exceptions of course. I read Romeo and Juliet in high school and it's still awesome.


Classic.

"You kiss by the book."

Swoon.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Classic.
> 
> "You kiss by the book."
> 
> Swoon.


I always kind of thought Juliet was dissing Romeo with that, lol


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> The lesson men can take from this is not to break out the ropes and paddles, but to up your intensity of desire for your wife. *Banish all forms of passivity in bed.* Because even women who would never ever accept a lopsided arrangement in power still get turned on by the man's intense desire for her.


:allhail:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I always kind of thought Juliet was dissing Romeo with that, lol


Really? I always thought she meant it as "DAAAMN, Boy! You're getting me ALL excited."


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

"by the book" always struck me as her saying that his kiss was rigid, like he was inexperienced.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bubba29 said:


> have you had this exact conversation with your wife? ask what should thought of the content as it seems to be out of character for her.


Yeah... sort of. Treading lightly, of course.

As most folks have said here, the book is poorly written, which my wife agreed. As for the content, she thought it was ridiculous and not at all something she's even remotely interested in. She also doesn't read romance novels/erotica. Ever. She's a murder mystery lover.

What I was curious about is this: given that my wife does not read romance/erotica, given that she has an aversion to bdsm type scenarios, given that she's as close to being a feminist as possible without saying so out loud, and given that she regularly does not finish books that she finds poorly written/deals with subject matter she does not have an interest in/portrays women in a less-than-feminine light - how did she get through THREE of these?  It seems so out of character to me. But I guess that's the draw, ain't it?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> Yeah... sort of. Treading lightly, of course.
> 
> As most folks have said here, the book is poorly written, which my wife agreed. As for the content, she thought it was ridiculous and not at all something she's even remotely interested in. She also doesn't read romance novels/erotica. Ever. She's a murder mystery lover.
> 
> What I was curious about is this: given that my wife does not read romance/erotica, given that she has an aversion to bdsm type scenarios, given that she's as close to being a feminist as possible without saying so out loud, and given that she regularly does not finish books that she finds poorly written/deals with subject matter she does not have an interest in/portrays women in a less-than-feminine light - how did she get through THREE of these?  It seems so out of character to me. But I guess that's the draw, ain't it?


She probably did get something out of it, at least on a subconscious level. The books were meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator, and some people have a difficult time admitting and accepting that they are part of the primal herd...


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> 100% agree. 9 1/2 weeks was a WAY better film and did a better job portraying a Dom/Sub storyline. Also, it was sexier and more mature.
> 
> 50 Shades the film hardly had any kink in it at all. And for movie aimed at women, you'd think they'd show him naked more. LAME.


I was a kid when 9.5 weeks came out. I had no idea it was a dom/sub movie!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

samyeagar said:


> The books were meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator,


:lol:

Did you just insult my wife?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> The books were meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator...


The books were meant to appeal to the lowest common Dominator.

Fixed that for you.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

A lot of people will read stuff just because everyone else is and talking about it. Doesn't mean they see any redeeming features in it; they just want to know what all the hubbub is about


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I never read romance novels and rarely erotica. I love literature and have an advanced degree in fiction writing. 

Last summer I borrowed the 50 Shades books from my sister and once I started I didn't put them down until I was done. 

Technically, the books are atrocious, yet I was able to accept that because I found them erotic--not so much for the sex but for the power exchange dynamic. I didn't see A as a victim of C at all, and even if I had, I doubt it would have affected my erotic response. I'm kinky in that way and am lucky that I can embrace it without shame and share it with my husband--not something that a lot of women can do. 

Alex, I can't give you a "for sure" answer, of course. If I had to guess, I'd say your wife had a strong sexual response to the eroticism of power in the books. If your wife isn't regularly reading erotica, then I'd say it wasn't the depiction of sex that interested her. You can find sex in lots of mainstream erotica, but total power exchange, contractual D/s relationships, etc. are a little more off the beaten path.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> That is a great movie. I loved the cinematography. Maggie G and James Spader are solid actors, consistently.



A classic case where great acting saved a absolutely awful script. 

In the 50 shades' case they could have The best actors that ever lived and they would still not be able to rescue the horrible writing...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Good point. Obviously, if one is allowing it, it's not a loss of control. But what if he isn't respecting her safe word?


then he becomes an abuser. The real BDSM relations requires full trust of your partner - and it goes both ways. Submissive needs to trust that nothing will happen that;s outside the hard limits. Dominant needs to trust that he she won run to police with those bruises and sue him for nice sum of money.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I have read the first book of 50 Shades.... it took me probably 6-8 weeks to get through it, and I am a book worm who reads constantly. I think I went through 3-4 books in the meantime, going back and forth to 50 shades. It feels like written by naïve teenager, made me cringe many times. I guess my "inner goddess" was asleep while reading it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

On second thought, considering the writing quality of more mainstream authors (JK Rowling... Many others...) EL James is simply one more.

I read (audiobooks) a phenomenal amount of books and one cannot begin to comprehend how bad it is. Like BAD bad... 

But then we thought Tolkien was great till we read George RR Martin


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> I was a kid when 9.5 weeks came out. I had no idea it was a dom/sub movie!


Go back and re-watch it. It is a very sexy film and beautifully shot. Very sensual. Great acting. Good music, too.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

TheOMThatWivesWant said:


> IMO, a deeper look into the 'sexual-playroom' of women’s minds and you'll discover that women really love dominant 'alpha males'..
> 
> It seems there's a hunger that’s not being satisfied, namely, for men who are masculine,...


I don't disagree in substance, but I think an important distinction is that we're talking about female perceptions of dominance and masculinity and not male perceptions.

Big difference.

If you've read the books (Not sure if you have..) the Grey character is not masculine. --Not in most ways a male reader would perceive it anyway. 

Sure he's wealthy; and sure he's traveled and sophisticated. So are a lot of women. Is he big and strong in a way that other men would respect? No, not really. Is he brave, courageous or fearless in a way that would resonate with men? (Examples in fiction would include Jack Reacher, Walt Kowalski, Jack Ryan, Jason Bourne, Bobby Lee Swagger, Nathaniel Poe, Jefferson Smith, Virgil Tibbs, etc.) If he is, you don't pick up on it. He actually comes across at times as a stereotypical, "Weak bully." --A man who prefers to engage other people only when they are at a severe disadvantage. (Hence his attraction to Ana..) 

In place of all this, he's strongly emotional and damaged in some way that's hard to put your finger on at first. I got a mental image of Hayden Christensen in my head reading the book and couldn't get rid of it to save my life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Like the .jpg floating around the internet:

50 Shades of Gray is romantic and erotic because the man is a billionaire. If it took place in a trailer park it would be nothing more then another Criminal Minds program.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Of COURSE he had to be a billionaire.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Of COURSE he had to be a billionaire.


Yes. All part of the fantasy.....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
As long as the watchers know that its fantasy, its all good. 



Yeswecan said:


> Yes. All part of the fantasy.....


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