# Divorce regret, though I know I shouldn't.... or maybe???



## InTheDarkness (4 mo ago)

Good evening everyone, I am new to this forum in search of advice.

I'll try to make it a brief as possible though it won't be easy.

I met my wife in 2014, we got married in 2018. We moved in together in 2017 in an apartment that I had purchased a year before. This is not the fanciest area, but it is diverse and convenient (in NYC). Things were good until after marriage. She got into a depression, and I supported her, psychologically and financially. I was paying all the bills, the fridge was always full, even though I was also going back to College on the side and it took me a lot of time but for the best eventually. We argued like every couple.... and she started focusing on the lace we had moved to, how this neighborhood was horrible and we had to move out ASAP.... Which was out of question at the time, we were in a rather convenient and safe area, in a huge apartment with all the comfort, but it became an obsession.... Besides providing, I would take her on vacation and weekends (Canada, all over Europe, Mexico, Puerto Rico, weekends in the country or out of State, and the list goes on...).. A few months before the pandemic, arguing over the apartment we lived in, she got so mad she faked slitting her wrist with a more or less blunt object, and she slightly cut herself, nothing serious but I still called an ambulance to have it reported...

Fast forward to 2020, the pandemic, the lockdown, her absolute fear of the virus that controlled every aspect of her life, and made her try to control mine. 

Things started getting really bad when I expressed the need for a side job doing deliveries, mid-2020, triggering fears that I catch the virus, which would kill her etc etc.... I took the job, was going to school online, and also was going back to physical activities with friends, all while being very cautious and she knew it. Til that day in November 2020 when she saw a clip of the workout, no mask, she freaked out, yelled that I was trying to kill her, and I had to sleep on the couch and not approach her until I got tested by-weekly.... yeah.... It went downhill as all this created a lot of tensions, bullying from her, recording our arguments to try to "prove that I am verbally abusive", when every argument was started by her. The topic of the "horrible place where we live" came up frequently 

Fast forward to early January 2021, like many of us I did get covid and was kind enough to quarantine somewhere else.... Instead of checking up on me, I started being bombarded by texts and calls how she started having chest pain, got diagnosed by doctors online that you don't even meet, was misdiagnosed with pneumonia, then bronchitis, until the chest X rays came out normal....Then I came back home 12 days later due to lack of symptoms, and because the Almighty Lord Fauci had told 15 days, she lost it.... threw a tantrum, started masking up in the house, told me to go back where I was from, recorded our arguments.... and then I was locked out of the room for refusing to wear a mask in the house, slept on the couch, and had to knock on the door of the marital bedroom to get personal items daily. Eventually I got sick of all this, not to mention the daily insane and irrational arguments caused by the situation, the almost physical violence from her, and moved in temporarily with a friend, in the hopes that the break would clear our minds... It did clear mine, not hers.... I was blamed for having left the house (I was supposed to live in the house, in separate rooms, with a mask on)... I eventually filed for divorce.... She avoided service, eventually moved out 13 months later, but left belongings that she couldn't take with her. 

My attorney recommended that I change the lock and I did..., and a few days ago decided that she wanted to come to the apartment as she pleased to sort out the stuff that she was going to take out of the house. She had planned to move anyways and want to make it seem that I rushed her out and was only planning to move out temporarily. She is absolutely upset that I changed the locks and showed up at my door the other day with police officers, after speaking to their lieutenant and claiming I had illegally evicted her. It failed and backfired against her as they noticed she was telling them two different stories (to manipulate I guess)... 

My attorney had asked me to not speak to her about the divorce and tried to serve her and she found out that day.... SO she realized that legally she had to go by my rules and had no more legal access to the apartment but....seeing her cry broke my heart, it crushed me.... All I wanted to do was hug her tight and tell her that we can make it work, if she puts in the effort.... We exchanged text messages to make arrangements, but she still claims that she was right to behave like she did (locked in the room nd masked up)..... 
Now since the day she showed up, I have been feeling miserable and depressed, and I am crying all day (which rarely happens to me). I feel extremely sad and depressed, now all the good memories come to my mind (because we've had some in the mix) and I am sad.... so sad..... It is killing me, all I want to do is cry, lay down, and sleep..... All I can see when I think about her is her crying in the hallway next to the cops it crushes my soul....

Am I an idiot for filing for divorce??? Are my regrets valid, or just triggered by some stupid emotions and the realization that this is it, it is really over....????


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

YOU have tried all you can ,
there is a limit and she has put you way past it , I don't know how you put up with it so long ,
I was picking up stuff yesterday in our local town , we have the lowest covid numbers now , and a young woman that works in a burger king , they are not using masks now she walked out past me no mask , 
I got into my car and she hers and put on a mask to drive home , the amount of people that were able handle their crap but once the covid thing started they just could not ,
two teachers in the school that my daughter goes to had to stop work 
we had a girl in the office once it started she went on sick leave and never came back to work 

you would be an idiot to not go through with the divorce


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

She sounds like a peach.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

InTheDarkness said:


> Good evening everyone, I am new to this forum in search of advice.
> 
> I'll try to make it a brief as possible though it won't be easy.
> 
> ...


Realistically why do you miss her? You just wrote a very long novel about how you think she’s crazy for taking Covid seriously. About how she crazy and treats you bad. So what do you actually miss.

It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible in any way.


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## InTheDarkness (4 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> YOU have tried all you can ,
> there is a limit and she has put you way past it , I don't know how you put up with it so long ,
> I was picking up stuff yesterday in our local town , we have the lowest covid numbers now , and a young woman that works in a burger king , they are not using masks now she walked out past me no mask ,
> I got into my car and she hers and put on a mask to drive home , the amount of people that were able handle their crap but once the covid thing started they just could not ,
> ...


Thank you I really appreciate your take on this.


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## InTheDarkness (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> She sounds like a peach.


Indeed....


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## InTheDarkness (4 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Realistically why do you miss her? You just wrote a very long novel about how you think she’s crazy for taking Covid seriously. About how she crazy and treats you bad. So what do you actually miss.
> 
> It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible in any way.


It's not about "taking covid seriously", it's about abnormal behavior and faking symptoms and obsession about a roof, free of charges and bills that I had no option to change at the time.
Why do I miss her?? That's a really good question, I got hit by some of the good memories and emotion.... and seeing her cry.... my God....


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

The whole Covid thing really stressed a lot of people out and if your ex wife had some prior mental illness, I bet the big scare really got to her. As bad as it sounds, I'd consider myself lucky that you found out how crazy she can be sooner rather than later. I am just assuming/guessing you are still young enough to make another go of things if you meet someone new. Right? Either way, that is precisely what I would be out there doing...finding someone new. It's easy to look back, reminisce on the good times, and miss a toxic ex when you're sitting around alone at night. If you find someone new and especially sane, you won't think about her so much.


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## InTheDarkness (4 mo ago)

Enigma32 said:


> The whole Covid thing really stressed a lot of people out and if your ex wife had some prior mental illness, I bet the big scare really got to her. As bad as it sounds, I'd consider myself lucky that you found out how crazy she can be sooner rather than later. I am just assuming/guessing you are still young enough to make another go of things if you meet someone new. Right? Either way, that is precisely what I would be out there doing...finding someone new. It's easy to look back, reminisce on the good times, and miss a toxic ex when you're sitting around alone at night. If you find someone new and especially sane, you won't think about her so much.


 Thank you for your advice…. well I’ve dated and am dating. I guess I was repressing the emotions and they eventually caught up with me.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

InTheDarkness said:


> Good evening everyone, I am new to this forum in search of advice.
> 
> I'll try to make it a brief as possible though it won't be easy.
> 
> ...


Let me offer some perspective you, and no one needs to listen to, in any way. To be blunt, the COVID shizzy effed a lot of people up. I don't care what side of the convo people are on in this case, because my interest is not politics, science, or debates here, but the point is, the world that we know will never be the same. This isn't your fault and you did everything you could, despite what others are telling you here. You feel like crap because you love this woman and probably always will, but the world of the Vid jacked her mind up good and there is nothing you can do about it, and it saddens you because men, by nature, men are fixers and want to make those we love happy.....and you cannot in this case. It stinks, I'm sorry you're going through it, but trust me, you aren't alone. It also sounds like you live in NYC, which if I'm not mistaken, had some of the most severe COVID outcomes, so I'm sure that didn't help. I wish you the best of luck and maybe find a good mental health professional to talk to; it will help with some of the guilt you're feeling. Only you will know what is right.....and I know that feeling of seeing their tears. But sometimes you need to step back and also realize that actions have consequences. One human being is not entitled to driving the other one insane just because they are scared. Be glad you don't have children because I promise you this would be so, so much worse. Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself. One day at a time, and do things that preoccupy your mind. Allow yourself those cries, it shows you actually did truly care and it allows you to let go of the pain little by little. I promise you that it will eventually pass.


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## InTheDarkness (4 mo ago)

Annonymous Joe said:


> Let me offer some perspective you, and no one needs to listen to, in any way. To be blunt, the COVID shizzy effed a lot of people up. I don't care what side of the convo people are on in this case, because my interest is not politics, science, or debates here, but the point is, the world that we know will never be the same. This isn't your fault and you did everything you could, despite what others are telling you here. You feel like crap because you love this woman and probably always will, but the world of the Vid jacked her mind up good and there is nothing you can do about it, and it saddens you because men, by nature, men are fixers and want to make those we love happy.....and you cannot in this case. It stinks, I'm sorry you're going through it, but trust me, you aren't alone. It also sounds like you live in NYC, which if I'm not mistaken, had some of the most severe COVID outcomes, so I'm sure that didn't help. I wish you the best of luck and maybe find a good mental health professional to talk to; it will help with some of the guilt you're feeling. Only you will know what is right.....and I know that feeling of seeing their tears. But sometimes you need to step back and also realize that actions have consequences. One human being is not entitled to driving the other one insane just because they are scared. Be glad you don't have children because I promise you this would be so, so much worse. Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself. One day at a time, and do things that preoccupy your mind. Allow yourself those cries, it shows you actually did truly care and it allows you to let go of the pain little by little. I promise you that it will eventually pass.


thank you for this reply, 
Your message is extremely comforting !


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