# Wife is out of line



## cityboy (Dec 14, 2009)

I hope my writing these words is somewhat cathartic for me. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years (married for 11) We have wonderful kids who we both love and adore. Do we have some issues? Like many who are married I'd say yes. So what is my big question? My wife has a tendency to simply be WAY out of line when consuming alcohol. How? Let me offer the following examples. Most recently we were at an event sitting at a table with an old friend and his wife. We start discussing about how long each of us has been married, where and how we met etc. My wife continues to say that we had time apart before we were married and we each had an opportunity to sew our wild oats (which is true). Not sure how the conversation moved to the next stage but my wife blurts out and I quote "I meet a ton of guys when I go out with the girls I'd like to bang if I weren't married but I don't because I am" As to not look like a total moron I state "Yes, there are tons of women I'd love to have sex with but don't b/c I love my wife". Now this may be true on my part as well as most people who live and breathe(and obviously on hers)but I was shocked and a tad embarrassed by my wife saying what she said particularly to whom she said it. The other couple with somewhat shocked looks on their faces replies "you guys have a very open marriage". Now I know husband and wives desire others and I for one think it's natural to fantasize etc but come on!! I would never say that to her friends particularly in front of her as I feel it is totally disrespectful. Are there women I see/meet at a bar that I'll comment to a friend how hot she is etc. OfcourseI Do I announce it to her and infront of people she knows? Never!! And it doesn't stop there...

My wife since we were in our 20s always had a tendency when we were at a bar with friends and their girlfriends (who have mostly all become their wives) to wonder off and strike up conversations with groups of men. She loves to flirt and I must say I ignored it for so many years so maybe I am partly to blame for enabling this sort of behavior. My firiends for years told me I was a way better man than they as they would not let that happen. I never felt threatened so I didn't care. Recently, we were at a party where she ran her fingers through a guys hair (we have know he and has wife fior a while but we are by no means close). Granted it was slicked back in a way none of us have never seen but she did in front of his wife as well. Later when we left the party she announces to me and another couple we were with that this guy kissed her goodbye on the lips. No tongue or anything like that but I would say a bit inappropriate to say the least. Now I will admit that her best friend always kisses me on the lips when we see each other but we are really close and my wife sees it and so does her husband. A # days latter she's on facebook and tells me the s"slicked back hair guy" offered to take her on a ride on his motorcycle. She loves bikes so I am still sure it's innocent but it does not feel right. She just likes to tell the story to her friends as she obviously needs the validation. Bottom line is I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HER!!! Total disrespect in my mind. How would she feel if I owned a bike and took another mans wife for a ride? There's more.....

The # of times she has embarrassed me has been numerous. Like the time she announced to a room of people (again alcohol was involved)that she is not a big fan of giving HEAD. Hello!! I had guys coming up to me telling how sorry they were that my wife doesn't give me head. Now this is not true as she does (on occasion) but she really wanted to get a rise out of the dead silent room. It goes on and on and I am so sick and tired of it. I just want a good woman that shows respect that I show her and can control her "loose canon" issue when drinking. I have been real angry the past few days, though I have managed to hide my anger from her. I am really just simply SICK and TIRED of it all. Part of me wants to do exactly what she's doing to me just to get even. Some may say tell her how you feel but come on!! Why the heck should I be in this spot in the first place. How friggin THICK is he? Nobody's wife does what she does. 20 plus years maybe we've reached the end or maybe I am overly sensitive and finally getting jealous. Maybe I am just so over it. I love her and she is a good woman and great Mom. I am at a loss.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

You can't control her, only yourself. Maybe it's the environment. Is she like this at home?

You might want to avoid these types of social situations and work on her drinking.


----------



## cityboy (Dec 14, 2009)

Always in a social setting with alcohol. Never at home just her and I. She's a beautiful woman but I am really starting to find her unattractive. I have not had any desire to have sex with her in months. It honestly feels awkward to initiate. A few weeks ago I gave home after a night of drinking with the boys and she asked if I wanted to have sex. Even the way she asked sounded awkward. I did say yes and we performed the act. I was truly Bombed!!


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

You might want to agree on a month without drinking or going out to the same social places, and see how the relationship is.


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

cityboy said:


> ... I just want a good woman that shows respect that I show her and can control her "loose canon" issue when drinking. I have been real angry the past few days, though I have managed to hide my anger from her. I am really just simply SICK and TIRED of it all. Part of me wants to do exactly what she's doing to me just to get even. Some may say tell her how you feel but come on!! Why the heck should I be in this spot in the first place. How friggin THICK is he? Nobody's wife does what she does. 20 plus years maybe we've reached the end or maybe I am overly sensitive and finally getting jealous. Maybe I am just so over it. I love her and she is a good woman and great Mom. I am at a loss.


Problems that you report your wife having:

1) She says things that you find mildly disrespectful, but only when she is drunk, and only when other people are around.

Problems that you report yourself having:

1) You do not tell your wife that her very mildly disrespectful behaviour offends you, and you are amazed at her inability to read your mind.
2) You propose that your solution to her inability to read your mind is, you should find a way to hurt her back ... and still not tell her why you did so.
3) You propose that, among this planet's 2 billion wives, yours is the worst one since "nobody's wife does" what your wife does. Really? Pick a random post anywhere on these boards. Many men here would give up a testicle to have a wife whose worst fault is saying slightly inappropriate things, but only when drunk, and having never been asked not to.

Your marriage may well need work, but your attitude needs fixing before you can even begin to get that work done.

Good luck, you sound like a lucky man who has one of the most serious cases of "grass is greener on the other side" that I have ever seen.

I know that in today's politically correct culture, the fastest short-cut to "good me, bad her" status is to bring up your partner's drinking problem. However, don't expect that to work on these boards. First, because even talking about "good me, bad her" takes you in the wrong direction. Second, because people who have problems know that drinking is only a problem, if it is a problem.

You do not describe your spouse as an out of control alcoholic, you describe a social drinker who gets inappropriate sometimes. Talk to her and solve your problem in 5 min, rather than farting around for months saying nothing and then fishing for sympathy.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Wow Alex, that's pretty harsh.

The man is obviously hurt. None of us (there I go generalizing again) can tell the entire story of our marriage on this forum, but we try to hit the parts important to our pain.

Cityboy, you should listen to Alex, even though he's comments are harsh. I think my suggestion is worth trying.


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Sven said:


> Wow Alex, that's pretty harsh.


I know. Sorry, really. I am sorry. I spent years with a woman whose idea of fun was to smash pots on my head, or spend hours trying to goad me into violence with the most demeaning and hurtful language she could formulate. When that did not work she threatened to fabricate evidence of domestic violence so that I would be thrown in prison.

On advice from a friend I taped her threats, which allowed me to legally exit that relationship with only a minor inconvenience of loosing everything I had, and paying off all of her debits.

If you are a man, the only protection that you have from our crazed legal system is the integrity of your wife. Most women, even when angry, have some modicum of integrity. But if not, you are done for.

So I have a very specific idea of what constitutes a "bad wife".


----------



## cityboy (Dec 14, 2009)

ok then. I will pretty much ignore what was posted by Alex as there appears to some serious underlying issues. May it help to know my wife comes from a family of alcoholics. Her Mom is a friggin LUSH and her sister was in rehab for booze and drugs. My wife can put them away herself and I know there is an underlying problem. She simply is unable to have a couple and even my suggestions to have a glass of water are igored when we are out socially. Also, we have had issues where we have walked into bars and she would run and sit on some guys lap. I gave her an earful and that never happened again. I quite honestly do not think I need to keep critiquing every disrespectful thing she does to me. I originally had this excerpt of info in my post but decided to remove to see what the posts would be regarding her behavior. Alex certainly gave me one. WOW!!! I am not sure what kind of insane relationship Alex was involved in but I can tell you none of my friend's wives do what mine does and quite simply it really bothers me. If everyone else feels the way Alex does then I know it's me and not her. I know I will get over it and I'll have no reason to express to her how I feel.


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

cityboy said:


> I will pretty much ignore what was posted by Alex as there appears to some serious underlying issues.


You are right about there being some underlying issues from my past. When I said I was sorry, I mean it. There was no reason to be mean. Sorry.

Good luck.

Talking to your wife is probably a good idea. It does not sound like a bad marriage. If she has an alcohool problem, that is the problem. The inappropriate behaviour is a tiny detail.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

No, I think Alex had some valid points of view.

Get used to harsh. I think a lot of our problems stay unresolved because we are unable to do the 'hard thing.'


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Have an intervention with her. Get just a few people who are close to her and let her know how FULLY inappropriate her behavior is and how she has embarrased you and demeand HERSELF. The only thing you should take from Alex is that nobody may have yet told her how bad she is yet. 

And yeah, she sounds bad. And I think the clubbing with the girls needs some serious chaperoning or even cancellation, but that's MY baggage speaking.


----------



## cityboy (Dec 14, 2009)

Cody Thanks. Alex I appreciate your apology and please accept the following as venting and not lashing out.

Prior to seeing Cody's post I was about to ask if I am Insane. Is it crazy that I need to sit down with my wife and explain that telling a room full of people she does not like to give head is not ok. Especially with me there!! Am I crazy that I have to explain to her that telling fiends of ours that there are tons of guys she'd like to bang but wont because she's married. Especially with me there (I am not stupid but do I really need to hear that? She knows I am the same but I don't announce it). Insane to expect her not to kiss some guy on the lips and be overly flirtatious . Especially with me standing next to her. Insane that she walks into a bar and sits on some random guys lap with me there (or not). How about common friggin decency and respect to our marriage and to me. 

I appreciate Alex saying she is not a mind reader. HELLO!!! IS IT NOT OBVIOUS!! I NEED TO EXPLAIN that these behaviors are not acceptable? JESUS!! We have been married for almost 12 years and together for close to 20. We have beautiful children together. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HER. Who the hell would?? I know nobody that pulls that crap. I am annoyed I even have to have this discussion. It would be like by oldewr son burning down the house. Oh, my fault when I was saying don't play with matches I should have been more specific and said DONT BURN DOWN THE HOUSE!!!Thanks for letting me vent.


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

cityboy said:


> ... I appreciate Alex saying she is not a mind reader. HELLO!!! IS IT NOT OBVIOUS!! I NEED TO EXPLAIN that these behaviors are not acceptable?


Unfortunately, yes. There are men and women on this board who have had to tell their spouses that a long term regular side dish with a third person was actually not a good idea. People can get very confused, very lost, and very unappreciative in marriage. If it bothers you, talking is step one.


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I think you need to talk to her and tell her - while sober- how she acts when she drinks and how it bothers you. 
I guess I can see a little of my ex husband in you- he was over the top not jealous and to be honest- I hated it. I don't want anyone to control me, but I want a man that has my respect. 
She's been doing this for 20 years- she sounds like a very outgoing person- I'm not saying that doing all those things is right, but you need to talk to her- you haven't told her this bothers you- she can't read your mind. 
We'd be at a bar and someone would grab my butt- my ex-husband would just stand there- I didn't want him to get in a fight every time someone looked at me, but he could have stuck up for me a little- he wasn't scrawny by any means. I was with him for 6 years and while I never cheated on him and wouldn't cross that line, I didn't have a lot of respect for him. 
You need to have your wife respect you- by you just standing there saying nothing and silently fuming... that isn't going to help the situation. True- she shouldn't embaress you, but you do need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I would not tolerate the fingers through hair plus kiss on lips plus facebook motercycle invite sequence. 

And I am NOT jealous. Wife and I have had one conversation in 20 years about boundaries and another man and it was a low key conversation that immediately produced the desired result. 

Your wife is getting closer and closer to the edge of the slippery slope. 

As for respect you get what you demand. 

If my wife wanted to ride a motorbike that badly I would select our next vacation destination with that in mind - but I sure would not be ok with her riding with a guy who is flirting with her. His flirting with her is HIM being disrespectful to you. Her flirting with him is way worse - it is her showing disdain for you and your marriage. 

If you don't put your foot down in these situations, when do you? 





cityboy said:


> I hope my writing these words is somewhat cathartic for me. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years (married for 11) We have wonderful kids who we both love and adore. Do we have some issues? Like many who are married I'd say yes. So what is my big question? My wife has a tendency to simply be WAY out of line when consuming alcohol. How? Let me offer the following examples. Most recently we were at an event sitting at a table with an old friend and his wife. We start discussing about how long each of us has been married, where and how we met etc. My wife continues to say that we had time apart before we were married and we each had an opportunity to sew our wild oats (which is true). Not sure how the conversation moved to the next stage but my wife blurts out and I quote "I meet a ton of guys when I go out with the girls I'd like to bang if I weren't married but I don't because I am" As to not look like a total moron I state "Yes, there are tons of women I'd love to have sex with but don't b/c I love my wife". Now this may be true on my part as well as most people who live and breathe(and obviously on hers)but I was shocked and a tad embarrassed by my wife saying what she said particularly to whom she said it. The other couple with somewhat shocked looks on their faces replies "you guys have a very open marriage". Now I know husband and wives desire others and I for one think it's natural to fantasize etc but come on!! I would never say that to her friends particularly in front of her as I feel it is totally disrespectful. Are there women I see/meet at a bar that I'll comment to a friend how hot she is etc. OfcourseI Do I announce it to her and infront of people she knows? Never!! And it doesn't stop there...
> 
> My wife since we were in our 20s always had a tendency when we were at a bar with friends and their girlfriends (who have mostly all become their wives) to wonder off and strike up conversations with groups of men. She loves to flirt and I must say I ignored it for so many years so maybe I am partly to blame for enabling this sort of behavior. My firiends for years told me I was a way better man than they as they would not let that happen. I never felt threatened so I didn't care. Recently, we were at a party where she ran her fingers through a guys hair (we have know he and has wife fior a while but we are by no means close). Granted it was slicked back in a way none of us have never seen but she did in front of his wife as well. Later when we left the party she announces to me and another couple we were with that this guy kissed her goodbye on the lips. No tongue or anything like that but I would say a bit inappropriate to say the least. Now I will admit that her best friend always kisses me on the lips when we see each other but we are really close and my wife sees it and so does her husband. A # days latter she's on facebook and tells me the s"slicked back hair guy" offered to take her on a ride on his motorcycle. She loves bikes so I am still sure it's innocent but it does not feel right. She just likes to tell the story to her friends as she obviously needs the validation. Bottom line is I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HER!!! Total disrespect in my mind. How would she feel if I owned a bike and took another mans wife for a ride? There's more.....
> 
> The # of times she has embarrassed me has been numerous. Like the time she announced to a room of people (again alcohol was involved)that she is not a big fan of giving HEAD. Hello!! I had guys coming up to me telling how sorry they were that my wife doesn't give me head. Now this is not true as she does (on occasion) but she really wanted to get a rise out of the dead silent room. It goes on and on and I am so sick and tired of it. I just want a good woman that shows respect that I show her and can control her "loose canon" issue when drinking. I have been real angry the past few days, though I have managed to hide my anger from her. I am really just simply SICK and TIRED of it all. Part of me wants to do exactly what she's doing to me just to get even. Some may say tell her how you feel but come on!! Why the heck should I be in this spot in the first place. How friggin THICK is he? Nobody's wife does what she does. 20 plus years maybe we've reached the end or maybe I am overly sensitive and finally getting jealous. Maybe I am just so over it. I love her and she is a good woman and great Mom. I am at a loss.


----------

