# A bottle of wine + a night



## Feeling-Lonely

Hello, has anyone experienced this?

I am happily married my husband is great in a lot of ways. When I met him I knew that he does consume more alcohol than me by far. I've never noticed any negative effect on him so I wasn't worried. 

He is in his early 30's and has a physically demanding job so he is in good shape. I am worried though that this drinking is going to effect his health in a long term. He hasn't gone to check up in couple of years but he feels great and doesn't think there is anything wrong with his lifestyle. 

His father has had a similar lifestyle and is 65 this year and is just fine. 

Does this depend on an individual? Can you live like this for the rest of your life without serious consequences? 

Have you experienced this or similar situation?


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## Ms. GP

There is such a thing as just being a heavy drinker. The heavy drinker and the alcoholic have similar drinking patterns but the the heavy drinker can stop with sufficient cause. (Health problems etc..) The alcoholic can not at least not without help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

*My XW was a somewhat heavy drinker ~ with a daily regimen of 2-3 Smirnof Ice's in the early afternoon, 2/3 bottle of Beringer's White Zinfindel in the early evening, and capped off between 9PM and bedtime(2AM) with 3 12-16 oz. glasses of Bailey's Irish Creme.

And she claimed not to be an alcoholic. Go figure!*


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## Feeling-Lonely

arbitrator said:


> *My XW was a somewhat heavy drinker ~ with a daily regimen of 2-3 Smirnof Ice's in the early afternoon, 2/3 bottle of Beringer's White Zinfindel in the early evening, and capped off between 9PM and bedtime(2AM) with 3 12-16 oz. glasses of Bailey's Irish Creme.
> 
> And she claimed not to be an alcoholic. Go figure!*


Wow, that is a lot! 

I guess he is just a heavy drinker, and very well functioning there are some men that don't drink but still can't get their act together.

I feel lucky to have him, drinking or not.


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## Cosmos

It sounds like he's either a high functioning alcoholic or a very heavy drinker. Whether he can stop or not will determine which...

Either way, his drinking needs addressing because so much alcohol will be damaging his body. Also, in time, it's my guess it will impact on his work and your marriage.

(Source: Daughter of a functioning (abusive) alcoholic who claimed he was just a 'heavy drinker.')


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## Dollystanford

A bottle of wine plus a night is too much, good physical shape or not. I can't say whether or not he's an alcoholic but I can say that I would hate to see the state of his liver. 

Liver disease is becoming more prevalent in people in their 20s and 30s who may feel fine otherwise. Doing it every night is a problem. I love alcohol and would never tell anyone to give up drinking entirely but it's way too easy to drink too much and tell yourself it's not doing any harm. It is doing him harm, it's just not showing up yet


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## Ikaika

Dollystanford said:


> A bottle of wine plus a night is too much, good physical shape or not. I can't say whether or not he's an alcoholic but I can say that I would hate to see the state of his liver.
> 
> 
> 
> Liver disease is becoming more prevalent in people in their 20s and 30s who may feel fine otherwise. Doing it every night is a problem. I love alcohol and would never tell anyone to give up drinking entirely but it's way too easy to drink too much and tell yourself it's not doing any harm. It is doing him harm, it's just not showing up yet



Agree, I could not have said it any better.


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## lolal

Feeling-Lonely said:


> Hello, has anyone experienced this?
> 
> I am happily married my husband is great in a lot of ways. When I met him I knew that he does consume more alcohol than me by far. I've never noticed any negative effect on him so I wasn't worried.
> 
> He is in his early 30's and has a physically demanding job so he is in good shape. I am worried though that this drinking is going to effect his health in a long term. He hasn't gone to check up in couple of years but he feels great and doesn't think there is anything wrong with his lifestyle.
> 
> His father has had a similar lifestyle and is 65 this year and is just fine.
> 
> Does this depend on an individual? Can you live like this for the rest of your life without serious consequences?
> 
> Have you experienced this or similar situation?


I haven't read through everyone else's posts so I'm sure other people have said this. 

But there is NO reason why anyone should be drinking a bottle of wine per night.

Drinking that much is not good for your health. Consuming this much alcohol raises his risk for cancer and other diseases considerably. It might not hit him now, but it will probably catch up with him later.

I can't stand when people say, "well so and so did the same thing and he/she is 80 years old and feeling great." Well good for so and so, but that doesn't mean you will be so lucky.

My mother's mother smoked a pack a day for 50 + years and did not die of anything smoking related. My mother smoked and we all heard "well my mom smoked even more than me and she never got lung cancer."

Guess what? My mom now has stage 4 lung cancer.

He needs help ASAP before this gets even worse.


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## Ms. GP

If he doesn't want it. There is nothing she can do really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feeling-Lonely

Ms. GP said:


> If he doesn't want it. There is nothing she can do really.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is the main bread-winner and has provided us with pretty good living, our marriage is in a good state (after a minor 2 yr-crises) and we feel more in love then ever.. It is hard to be critical when he works so hard for us. 

I checked the amount he drank yesterday night and it looks like a little over 1/2 bottle of wine, that is less than usually. 

He can stop if he wants, once I made a fuss about it and he went drink free for couple of days, he says he can do it but doesn't see a reason to, "life is too short not to drink good beer'' - his exact words. He used to drink up to 6 micro brews a night, IPS, higher in alcohol then usual beer. Now it has been wine because he found a great deal on a good cab, his favorite.

Ahh, I don't know, sometimes after a really hard and frustrating day at work all I want is a glass of wine or two, I understand that feeling, but I wish it was less amount less frequently for him.


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## JustRon

What's too much? depends.

My W is 4'11" and 105 lbs. When she was having a bottle a night it was a big problem. 

Worse is when they start fooling themselves about the quantity. For W when the 1.5L bottles showed up, or worse the boxed wine in the refrigerator. The there was the transition from standard wine glass to plastic cup.

So now at 44 years old she's been diagnosed with Barrett's Esophagus (a pre-cancerous condition). This has scared the bejezzers out of her. While I'm not pleased she's sick... I am thrilled that something scared her straight... which is funnier if you read my thread ;-).

Ron


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## JustRon

Feeling-Lonely said:


> Ahh, I don't know, sometimes after a really hard and frustrating day at work all I want is a glass of wine or two, I understand that feeling, but I wish it was less amount less frequently for him.


I think a healthy adult can have 1-2 drinks a night and be considered responsible. Space them out. Don't drink for the effect. Don't guzzle the wine, sip, linger. You can still put the kids to be, clean up, love on your spouse, etc.

More than that and it's trouble (eventually)


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## grainofsalt

This entire thread is filled with "wrong" by posters that pretend to know more than they really do.

I am here to set things proper...

A bottle of wine = about four standard cans of beer. Your husband is strong, and of good health. He'd be fine drinking twice that every night.

Does it affect him? No.
Does it affect his job? No.
Does it affect his health? No.
Does it affect your relationship? No.

If you are looking for a reason to harp on him, or to leave him for someone else, this could be a good angle for you to potentially use...

However, I will give you the truth. He will be fine drinking a bottle of wine a day.


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## grainofsalt

And besides the posters in this thread that literally spew bad advice, I am also curious about the OP.

OP, you claim to be happily married, yet your chosen handle is "Feeling Lonely"...

Why are you here? What is it you want?

I know what you want... You want out, and you are trying to build up a portfolio of "reasons" to leave... Simply so you can justify leaving him.


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## Ikaika

F-L tough spot to be in, but you may want to do some of your own research. Does not mean you can make him change his habits. This, he will have to decide on his own.

http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm

http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking


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## Dollystanford

I've genuinely never seen 'yeah no problem to drink two bottles of wine a day' advice


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## grainofsalt

Dollystanford said:


> I've genuinely never seen 'yeah no problem to drink two bottles of wine a day' advice


That's because nobody has the balls to post it.

I do. A bottle of wine will put the average man over the legal driving limit, but just barely. By no means "drunk" in the true sense of the term. Perfectly acceptable in the privacy of one's home.

Look, I don't care if people like drinking, or hate drinking. What you do, or what your beliefs are, as it's not my business.

However, I feel so inclined to dispel this "myth" that drinking four beers (or its equivalent) in one sitting will eventually "kill" someone. This is pure crap.

We all know it. You know it. I know it. And the OP knows it.

And this is why I asked the OP... Are you trying to build up a portfolio of perceived "faults" so you can dump this guy?


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## Dollystanford

No actually I don't know it. Alcohol has a cumulative effect - of course it's fine occasionally but every night, year on year is NOT 'harmless' and you can repeat it until you're blue in the face but I'll never think you're right

In fact you said it was fine to drink double that amount in a night on a regular basis. Even just the calorie content (between 10 and 14k a week extra) should give cause for concern


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## Surfacing

Let me give you my perspective....because I was the man you describe. My wife and I were in a very similar situation. I could drink a bottle of wine per night with ease. But it slowly progressed as life, job, stress etc increased. One bottle turned into 2-3 beers on top.....every night. Over a Progression of years I started checking out of my very loving relationship. Yes, I provided. Yes,I tucked the kids in and read their stories. Yes, I took them to their activities. Yes, I told my wife that I loved her. Yes, we had enough money for vacations, clothes and anything my wife/kids wanted whenever they wanted. But, over time I was not giving my wife what she needed emotionally. We stopped communicating effectively. I started "taking care of business" for my family but became quiet, sullen and did not give her what she really wanted....my time. I would get things done and dismiss myself to the back room to be alone with my drink. She repeatedly expressed concern about my drinking and the fact that I was checking out on her. This led to me sneaking my drinks and trying to hide it. Fast forward.....Today we have reached a point where she does not know if she wants to be married to me. I am seeing a counselor and attending AA meetings. We are in marriage counseling. I am a "functional alcoholic." And this fact has directly led to erosion in my marriage. I am not judging or comparing your situation to mine. Perhaps your husband can handle his drink. Perhaps he is a "happy" drinker and can be a good husband while drinking every night. I don't know.....but I thought that, and I am now desperately fighting for my marriage.


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## Feeling-Lonely

Surfacing said:


> Let me give you my perspective....because I was the man you describe. My wife and I were in a very similar situation. I could drink a bottle of wine per night with ease. But it slowly progressed as life, job, stress etc increased. One bottle turned into 2-3 beers on top.....every night. Over a Progression of years I started checking out of my very loving relationship. Yes, I provided. Yes,I tucked the kids in and read their stories. Yes, I took them to their activities. Yes, I told my wife that I loved her. Yes, we had enough money for vacations, clothes and anything my wife/kids wanted whenever they wanted. But, over time I was not giving my wife what she needed emotionally. We stopped communicating effectively. I started "taking care of business" for my family but became quiet, sullen and did not give her what she really wanted....my time. I would get things done and dismiss myself to the back room to be alone with my drink. She repeatedly expressed concern about my drinking and the fact that I was checking out on her. This led to me sneaking my drinks and trying to hide it. Fast forward.....Today we have reached a point where she does not know if she wants to be married to me. I am seeing a counselor and attending AA meetings. We are in marriage counseling. I am a "functional alcoholic." And this fact has directly led to erosion in my marriage. I am not judging or comparing your situation to mine. Perhaps your husband can handle his drink. Perhaps he is a "happy" drinker and can be a good husband while drinking every night. I don't know.....but I thought that, and I am now desperately fighting for my marriage.


I am sorry to hear that your marriage is in a difficult place, I am afraid that if my Husband's drinking increases we might be in the same boat in the future. 

Right now however we are in a very good place, very much in love, very secure financially and there are no real problems. I am looking at his drinking as the only flaw of his. He is very educated and intellectual man, he reads and writs and has a day job, he sometimes jokes that he is too intellectual for the society and needs a drink to cope with it. There might be some true in it. 

My handle feeling-lonely was made when I talked about some other issues not marriage related, I am foreign and left all of my friends and family back in europe and now I am feeling lonely sometimes in that matter. 

I do tend to agree with other though, 1 plus bottle a night is too much, it shows that he can't cope with the world without a drink and that leaves few scary questions why? Why can I cope without a drink? Why can I be happy without? Does that mean that he is sacrificing his happiness for me? He works for two and I am just freeloading? (I have a part time job, do all of the house work, cook and also do most of the house remodel projects). 

He drinks because I can't give him the emotional and intellectual partnership he needs? There is a lot of questions why? 

Or maybe he just drinks because he like that feeling.. Nothing to do with me and he is happy doing it, will live long happy life, there is no doubt it is not the healthiest lifestyle but hey, no body get out of here alive and no body dies healthy. 

I don't know the answer., All I know is that I have had uneasy feeling about having kids with someone who drinks like that. Perfect in every other way though so it is a tough one.


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## Ikaika

Feeling-Lonely said:


> I am sorry to hear that your marriage is in a difficult place, I am afraid that if my Husband's drinking increases we might be in the same boat in the future.
> 
> Right now however we are in a very good place, very much in love, very secure financially and there are no real problems. I am looking at his drinking as the only flaw of his. He is very educated and intellectual man, he reads and writs and has a day job, he sometimes jokes that he is too intellectual for the society and needs a drink to cope with it. There might be some true in it.
> 
> My handle feeling-lonely was made when I talked about some other issues not marriage related, I am foreign and left all of my friends and family back in europe and now I am feeling lonely sometimes in that matter.
> 
> I do tend to agree with other though, 1 plus bottle a night is too much, it shows that he can't cope with the world without a drink and that leaves few scary questions why? Why can I cope without a drink? Why can I be happy without? Does that mean that he is sacrificing his happiness for me? He works for two and I am just freeloading? (I have a part time job, do all of the house work, cook and also do most of the house remodel projects).
> 
> He drinks because I can't give him the emotional and intellectual partnership he needs? There is a lot of questions why?
> 
> Or maybe he just drinks because he like that feeling.. Nothing to do with me and he is happy doing it, will live long happy life, there is no doubt it is not the healthiest lifestyle but hey, no body get out of here alive and no body dies healthy.
> 
> I don't know the answer., *All I know is that I have had uneasy feeling about having kids with someone who drinks like that. Perfect in every other way though so it is a tough one*.


Does he want children? BTW, I was once a heavy drinker, it did affect my marriage and now I am completely sober. But,* I* made the decision myself and that is the tough spot you are in. To hound him may not convince him. But, if he is motivated to have children, you may want to address this issue with him. That is, he *may* have to make the decision between children or his drinking. 

If he needs to release his stress, he can find other more productive ways, exercise or hobbies. I replaced my drinking with an in-home gym. It gives me a release from my stressful days and even allows me to include my sons in this activity along with a better role-model. 

I really wish you well on how you two can move forward, but this will in time hamper your relationship with or without children. As you have heard already. I can second it.


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