# Paperwork ready to sign, more infidelity info, and her mother called me



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Some of you know my situation so I will spare the full re-cap. Anyway, I have come to find out that the people that moved her out actually work for the man she is leaving me for and that they moved her right in to his place. If you recall, when we had our "talk" just three weeks ago Sunday, she said we simply didn't fit and that we weren't compatible. She claimed she didn't cheat and that it's not about anyone else. They all say that.

Now I know, that they have been sneaking around - at least emotionally - since before we even got married, which is when she first started to detach. Crazy. This (and of course her new/old man) is why she has been able to be so cold and resolute. But, why did she go through with the wedding???? For those of you who don't know, we were married just two months. She is a severe alcoholic and narcissist and this man is her ex who is also severely alcoholic and a local bar "celebrity" of sorts. He has been putting the full court press on her since just after we got engaged (she actually asked me to marry her!). They will be living the party life and then some. I'm quite certain he promised to marry her or she wouldn't have had the courage to leave. 

Remember, we had our "talk" agreeing to divorce three weeks ago Sunday, she was out that Tuesday, and she has been in a semi-rush for getting the divorce finalized now. I'm guessing that he promised to marry her and she - knowing what a cheater this guy is - wants to get a ring on it fast. I think she also thinks it will make her look like less of a tramp supposedly to be able to say she's divorced (even though it's just the paper signing) and be seen out with this guy. 

Lastly, her Mom called and is totally devastated still. She wanted me to know that her whole family still loves me. I told her some information about this other guy, but kept it very general. Unfortunately, that conversation with her Mom, set me back a bit in the grieving process.

I'm still struggling to put this behind me. It's been almost three weeks since we had the talk, and I still catch myself trying to figure out the details and obsessing over it. I do think I'm getting better overall, but I'm tired of feeling blue. The betrayal, the lying, the cheating, and the way it all went down really stings. I also think about those times when she wasn't drinking as much or hanging out at those bars and it was really cool. Sad she will never be able to live as that person - if she could she wouldn't throw away our marriage to get back with a lying, cheating, alcoholic.

I guess what so many here have said is true - I dodged a bullet. The thing is, I am still grieving pretty hard.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

romer said:


> That's not a good guess, it makes no sense that the guy would think that somehow putting a ring on her finger would prevent her from cheating.


You misunderstood my comment. My STBX knows that HE is a cheater and that is why she wants HIM to put a ring on it fast. I am quite sure the HE promised to marry my STBX.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I am sorry. I guess I should read your other thread first, but this had to be the obvious outcome for her and yet you married her. So you have issues you need to work out in IC right?

Is she better looking then you expect to be able to be with and did she give you the best sex of your life. (Btw the crazy ones always do, wink wink).

Don't obsess over the details, dogs return to lap up their own vomit, there is no need to obsess why, its in their nature.

Cut yourself some slack, work on yourself, move on from her, and date within your personal standards because I think you must have compromised a few to be open to her.

You were probably completely different from other guys she dates, (because they would not even consider her).

I hope you can just see this as a lesson learned and move on, she is not worth it.

Take care!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, do you really think she moved in with a man she was only "emotionally" involved with, 'cause you might be the only one. She's been sleeping with this guy, who knows for how long. And your talk with her was a bunch of lies.

She lies.

Maybe its the alcohol, maybe its the thrill of the infidelity. Does it matter? You know you could not have a future with her. Perhaps you are morning the loss of the woman you thought you were marrying, rather that the person she really is. Lots of people go through that pain. It fills you with self-doubt. How could I have misread my partner so badly? You can use this to beat yourself up, or not. Choose not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Betterman: I believe that it is rather apparent that you have largely been your STBXW's "Plan B" meal ticket for sometime now!

As such, it is rather evident that her EA with her POSOM was a lie as well, as she had obviously been rolling his ashes for sometime now, and gave you her "violin story" of incompatibility only when the coast was clear for her to finally move in with her "workplace piece of trash," presumably only after he had successfully weeded his garden of either his prior old lady, or whoever it was that was occupying his abode that had largely kept him from moving her into his bedroom a lot sooner!

I totally understand the hurt and pain that you are experiencing, but the best thing that you can do at this juncture is to immediately "180 her," and move on with getting the divorce duly finalized!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

romer said:


> Betterman said:
> 
> 
> > You misunderstood my comment. My STBX knows that HE is a cheater and that is why she wants HIM to put a ring on it fast. I am quite sure the HE promised to marry my STBX.
> ...


* ... or maybe even her skilled abilities to cheat on him!*


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Wow. Such amazing wisdom on this forum. Of course, my mind and my gut knew these things for some time, but my heart was caught on being the one to help her. I know - classic co-dependency. I'm actually in counseling for this right now. I have learned that what seemed sincere was really just a damaged person that was highly skilled at lying and did so with complete abandon. 

I think I am mourning the loss of what I thought she could be and what she showed in glimpses in cycles along the way. I believe that it was now just a hollow attempt to overcome her addictions half-heartedly. Honestly, I also feel humiliated because I gave such a damaged trainwreck the benefit of the doubt despite my own gut concerns and the concerns of my friends. Even her family and her friends said she had changed so much since moving in with me. You wouldn't believe all the red flags that I just ignored.

And even as I type this, I still have lingering feelings of doubt. "How could someone lie that blatantly? Are people really capable of that?" Well, obviously so, it's just still so hard to believe. I can even remember her going out of her way to say so many times that she would never cheat and that while we have problems cheating will never be one of them. She even said that I was more likely to cheat on her. She also went out of her way to say that she can't lie because it makes her physically uncomfortable. Unbelievable. Maybe she is so psychologically damaged that she actually believes her own lies and somehow rationalizes what "cheating" is.

Having spoken with counselors myself and her Mom, I know that alcoholism, bi-polarism, and multiple personality disorders run in the family. Both her parents spent time in prison for drugs and/or alcohol, while my STBX was growing up.

Bottom line is that I need to let go of all the details. Clearly, she was a massive mistake on my part to begin with. Period. I need to get after my own issues. She moved out exactly 2 1/2 weeks ago. I wish I were farther along in letting it go, but perhaps I need to cut myself some slack and understand that it is indeed still fresh. Just surreal.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* You've hit the nail squarely on the head there, Betterman!

Now just move on with your "180" and get yourself into your lawyer's office on Monday to begin protecting your rights! Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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