# Need advice



## scared99 (Jan 1, 2018)

new to the board married with 2 children. Around Nov my wife asks us to attend therapy. We have had issues in the past. I felt like something was off and went into her texts. She was texting the other guy about how she thinks our marriage is over. The other man pretty much said he no longer wanted to go on with the relationship in the text chain and said he could not deal with the guilt. They were previously friends for years. She continued to flirt with him after he said they needed to return back to the way things were and she seemed to be the aggressor. I found out this was going on for slightly over a month and a half and it never progressed past meeting on 3-4 occasions and kissing. I obviously want to save my marriage and am looking for advice. Should i even concern myself with the other guy at this point ? She has given me access to her phone/email after i confronted her.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

The other man stepped over the line and had sexual and romantic communications with your wife, and also had a few makeout sessions with her, though stopping short of sex. I believe chances are that if the other man changed his mind and offered a romantic relationship with your wife, she would take him up on it, even now. So yes, I believe you should be concerned about him. I don't know if there is much you can do about it now, but you should be aware. As I'm sure you will. Is he married? A coworker or former boyfriend?

Why did your wife begin this a month and a half ago? Are your marriage issues (before this other guy got involved) mostly your doing?

It is a good sign that she gave transparency to you, however, she could easily hide it from you even if she gives you access. The value is in her intention, not in the actual access.

If you have outside evidence (via communications between them) I would believe that evidence. If your evidence is your wife's word, I would discount it greatly unless it is corroborated or makes sense in the other facts you know about.

Your wife has been less than truthful. At the very least, she was willing to cheat on you and lie about it. To begin toward reconciliation, you must take it slowly and let her earn your trust. She was caught cheating and the other guy has removed himself as an option. Thus, your wife may or may not want to be with you, you might just be the only viable option at this time while she plans or awaits for a better possible option in the future. In the immediate trauma, it is easy for her to seem like she is sorry and committing to you. As time progresses, she will not be able to continue to fake it. So take your time and time will tell.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Inform his wife without warning.

Helping hide their affair may enable it further.

They can flare back up. There must be no further contact between them. He had to be cut off permanently


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

scared99 said:


> I found out this was going on for slightly over a month and a half and it never progressed past meeting on 3-4 occasions and kissing.


 High school kids might stop at kissing. Married cheating adults rarely do. If she is truly remorseful and willing to put in the hard work of reconciling, and you are willing to give her that opportunity, then I would suggest a polygraph to make sure you are getting all of the story and to make sure this is the only time and guy this has happened with. My guess is that there is more to the story. You need to tell the OM's wife/girlfriend if there is one to lock him down on his end for firing things back up with your wife in the future.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

scared99 said:


> new to the board married with 2 children. Around Nov my wife asks us to attend therapy. We have had issues in the past. I felt like something was off and went into her texts. She was texting the other guy about how she thinks our marriage is over. The other man pretty much said he no longer wanted to go on with the relationship in the text chain and said he could not deal with the guilt. They were previously friends for years. She continued to flirt with him after he said they needed to return back to the way things were and she seemed to be the aggressor. I found out this was going on for slightly over a month and a half and it never progressed past meeting on 3-4 occasions and kissing. I obviously want to save my marriage and am looking for advice. Should i even concern myself with the other guy at this point ? She has given me access to her phone/email after i confronted her.


Your wife thinks that your marriage is over.

And who has she shared this information with? *The man she is cheating on you with! *:wtf: :banghead:








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If she is cheating, relationship therapy will not work. It'd be like someone attending a drying out clinic whilst sabotaging their recovery by secretly drinking vodka.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

She was obviously the one pursuing the affair, so I would take that fact right over to a divorce attorney and file. Based on what you wrote here, the other man was the one feeling guilty and she was trying to ease his guilt by saying your marriage was basically over anyway. She was the predator here. She was trying desperately to get this man in bed with her. 

Knowing all of this, what makes you want to stay and work things out with her? 

I'm just saying if things happened more organically and one thing led to another and she was caught up in some affair fog and acted completely unlike herself and whatever else, I would still divorce personally, but the sting would be a little less I think as opposed to her actively pursuing the affair and lying to the other man and putting on every manipulative tactic she can muster up to bed some other guy. 

She sounds like a person who uses other people without remorse. So why continue to be used by her? And you better believe a one off more organic fling I can see as a mistake one wouldn't repeat and makes the chances of true R with real remorse a better shot and maybe worth thinking about and going for. But based again on your post, the fact that she was doing the pursuing, it would be foolish to place your trust in her not doing it again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How do you know this was the only time she has done this?

Face it, you know from the messages that she was the aggressor in this. 

I don’t think it was the first time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your wife is the one who has told OM that your marriage is over.
Your wife is the one pursuing the OM.
They have had 4 clandestine meetings with physical contact involved.
The OM is withdrawing claiming he can not deal with the guilt.

Sorry to tell you, even though you want to save the marriage, it is already over. Your wife has left the marriage. You are now her Plan B. The place she returns to when her affair partner told her it was over.

Can you build a new marriage? Maybe. But you both have to want it. Unfortunately it does not sound as if she wants to.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

why do you think they were only kissing?
Seems to me, if she was aggressively pursuing this man, and they had multiple "makeout sessions", somewhere along the way sexual contact would have been made.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My guess is he got what he wanted and the guilt thing is just his excuse for dumping her.
Did you run a message recovery program on her phone?

How does she know him?

Reconciliation won't work if she isn't on her knees begging for it. It also won't work if you are chasing her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> My guess is he got what he wanted and the guilt thing is just his excuse for dumping her.
> Did you run a message recovery program on her phone?
> 
> How does she know him?
> ...


Either that or his wife or girlfriend was getting suspicious?


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

How do you know it was only kissing? There is no way you can believe anything your wife is telling you. Is she willing to take a polygraph? 

If the other guy is married you should tell his wife without warning anyone. She deserves to know who she is married too. 

You should look up trickle truth. Generally the cheating spouse only admits to a fraction of what really occurred. I have a hard time believing they met up 4 times to make out and penetration or oral sex didn't occur.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Your wife is the one who has told OM that your marriage is over.
> Your wife is the one pursuing the OM.
> They have had 4 clandestine meetings with physical contact involved.
> The OM is withdrawing claiming he can not deal with the guilt.


This is my take on the situation. The OM doesn’t want your wife full time so he tells her that he can’t live with the guilt. Your wife is the aggressor and wants the affair to continue. So she tells the OM that your marriage is over. That way his guilt excuse is no longer valid. i.e. The OM is not destroying your marriage because it had already ended. So no reason to feel guilty and thay can have sex.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Let's assume that you are correct and your wife didn't have sex with the OM. Your wife wanted to have sex. * IF it stopped short of that* it’s only because of the OM. * Again, IF it stopped short of sex* then I respect the OM because he thought with his big head instead of his small one. He knew that if he partook of the goods then one day he would have to pay the piper. So he turned down the goods.



scared99 said:


> They were previously friends for years. She continued to flirt with him after he said they needed to return back to the way things were and she seemed to be the aggressor.


If they didn’t have sex then I like the OM. It’s very flattering to have a friend of many years start flirting with you. It’s hard for a man to turn down sex on a silver platter. He must be a great guy.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

scared99 said:


> I obviously want to save my marriage and am looking for advice.


My question is why do you obviously want to save your marriage with a woman that lies to you, cheats on you, betrayed you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't love you?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Can your marriage be saved? Perhaps, but is this what you want? First you need to determine if this is actually what you want. In order to do that you need to figure out if her change of heart was due to rejection or actual heartfelt recognition that where she was going was wrong. Even if it is now recognition, the fact remains that there was some reason she was acting out. Now you have to ask your self is that reason something the two of you can change or is it something one or both of you would uncomfortable with? Perhaps she wanted more sex or wanted to try something you weren't comfortable with. Is this something you are willing to do? I think it is good that she wants to save your marriage by attempting therapy and being transparent, but you need to find and resolve the underlying problem before you even begin thinking about saving your marriage. Find out what the problem was first and the decide if it is something that can be resolved.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

What is there to save? You can't save anything until your wife takes responsibility and shows true remorse for her actions. Chances are other man got what he wanted and now does not want to deal with the baggage that comes with your wife.


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## scared99 (Jan 1, 2018)

Things have been in a whirlwind as of late. I appreciate all the responses and it is slightly over one week since i found the text chain. This morning I received a text from a strange number and it turned out it was the other guy. He wanted to meet and clear the air. I was somewhat apprehensive about this but wanted some answers. We met at a diner and he apologized for what he had done. He told me he was in my shoes at one point and cannot believe he turned into the guy he once hated. He said when he was getting cheated on he wanted to know the truth and that the slow process of finding out the truth was more painful than actually finding out he was getting cheated on. He had been friends with my wife for several years and told me they had never flirted once during that time. He then offered to show me exactly where this thing started. It was almost 2 months ago. He let me go through all of the texts. They had run into each other at a party 2 months earlier and ended up kissing. Then started texting about how they never knew they felt this way about each other. They met 3 different times in public places after work and talked then made out. There were alot of texts talking about what they would like to do to each other. Around week 3 I noticed he had started to withdraw from her. After week 3 they saw each other once and then went 3 weeks without seeing each other. I know because my wife kept reminding this guy that I cant believe we did not see each other for a week, 2 weeks and then 3 weeks. She talked to him about our marriage problems and he repeatedly told her to work it out and often reminded her that there were kids involved. She sent him sexy selfies repeatedly. My wife repeatedly joked with him about how sad it was that they were still on first base after all this time. 

He said they never had sex and never progressed past kissing. He said he honestly doesn't know if he could have had sex. He picked public places to avoid it. He said he got caught up and confused and before he realized he was in an affair with someone that wasn't his. He called himself a scumbag the entire time and said there are no excuses for what happened. After talking with him and seeing the texts i am now even more angry with my wife. I honestly feel indifferent and somewhat bad for the other guy. He would withdraw and next thing he would get was a selfie of her posing in bed or her talking about how horny she is.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i hope you were able ask for a copy you will need it...because you will never get the truth directly from your wife.....is your marriage salvageable ? it really depends on her, she is the one pursuing him and if its not him it will be someone else....you can make a marriage with only one person. At least you now know the truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What is your plan, do you have kids, how old are you?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

scared99 said:


> Things have been in a whirlwind as of late. I appreciate all the responses and it is slightly over one week since i found the text chain. This morning I received a text from a strange number and it turned out it was the other guy. He wanted to meet and clear the air. I was somewhat apprehensive about this but wanted some answers. We met at a diner and he apologized for what he had done. He told me he was in my shoes at one point and cannot believe he turned into the guy he once hated. He said when he was getting cheated on he wanted to know the truth and that the slow process of finding out the truth was more painful than actually finding out he was getting cheated on. He had been friends with my wife for several years and told me they had never flirted once during that time. He then offered to show me exactly where this thing started. It was almost 2 months ago. He let me go through all of the texts. They had run into each other at a party 2 months earlier and ended up kissing. Then started texting about how they never knew they felt this way about each other. They met 3 different times in public places after work and talked then made out. There were alot of texts talking about what they would like to do to each other. Around week 3 I noticed he had started to withdraw from her. After week 3 they saw each other once and then went 3 weeks without seeing each other. I know because my wife kept reminding this guy that I cant believe we did not see each other for a week, 2 weeks and then 3 weeks. She talked to him about our marriage problems and he repeatedly told her to work it out and often reminded her that there were kids involved. She sent him sexy selfies repeatedly. My wife repeatedly joked with him about how sad it was that they were still on first base after all this time.
> 
> He said they never had sex and never progressed past kissing. He said he honestly doesn't know if he could have had sex. He picked public places to avoid it. He said he got caught up and confused and before he realized he was in an affair with someone that wasn't his. He called himself a scumbag the entire time and said there are no excuses for what happened. After talking with him and seeing the texts i am now even more angry with my wife. I honestly feel indifferent and somewhat bad for the other guy. He would withdraw and next thing he would get was a selfie of her posing in bed or her talking about how horny she is.


Have him give you copies of all of the texts -- might help in custody hearings....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

So the good news is you now have an accurate picture of what went on. And since there was no sex involved, you don't have to deal with the mind movies of her doing all kinds of wild things in an affair.

The bad news is that she very actively pursued this affair even when OM was trying to cut it off.

If I were in your shoes, I would be extremely cautious about trying to R. If you're young, no kids, and no significant complications (shared ownership of a business, intermingled valuable assets such as an inheritance, etc), I would be most likely to just call it quits. Since she has asked for therapy it may be possible she genuinely is upset at herself for what she did and genuinely wants to create a good marriage with you. Does she have a history of cheating on other men? Why did she ask for therapy back then? There are so many variables which we can't be aware of, so you have to trust your gut. If you have kids, I would certainly make an effort to R but as always be alert to false R.

Whichever path you take, nothing is necessarily permanent. You can try marriage therapy. You can try R. You can get the usual books and try working through them with your W. You can file for D. You can start down a path and see how it is going.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I would not be reconciling. This woman THREW herself at this other man, and being in a weakened state he fell a little himself but being a betrayed spouse obviously kept him 1/2 way honest. 

This wife is not worth reconciliation. This is just my opinion, not concrete fact.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Does your wife say she still wants to have sex with the other man? If not, why not? Did the other man become less sexy somehow?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

She threw herself head long into this affair after just one kiss? She's about as trustworthy as a rattlesnake. She sounds determined to destroy the marriage. I wouldn't give her the chance if it was me.

I would get the evidence from the OM and file. Have her served at work. She will attempt this again and you will be back here.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Considering that your wife would appear to have been the aggressor here the question that begs to be asked is "Was this her first rodeo? Or just the latest one?" .


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

As sad as I'm sure it was for you, at least there is some clarification of where your "wife" stands.

The "wife" that you knew and loved is gone and is replaced by someone who may look the same but is so very different now.

Keep that in mind when looking at your options.

It is hard to understand, but try to see things a few years out from now and see what path leads to where you want to go.

Time really does help.

Good luck.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

No kids = RUN!!! 

This is clearly not her first rodeo. She is way too comfortable pursuing him.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My wife was never the aggressor so I can't give you exact advice from my experiences.
But it's always the best practice to..let the future dictate the present. Or history will repeat itself...Like my case.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> If they didn’t have sex then I like the OM. It’s very flattering to have a friend of many years start flirting with you. It’s hard for a man to turn down sex on a silver platter. He must be a great guy.


I was right :grin2:


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

At the outset she did say she wanted MC. That's a hopeful sign. Otherwise, you might need to see a lawyer in a hurry.


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