# childish in bed



## lissy73 (Jun 22, 2010)

I posted this in the general thread, but am also posting here since there are some questions/comments regarding intimacy....

I'm 36, no children and married for almost 9 years. My husband was raised in a strict and very very religious home (almost to the point of crazy). He has always been conservative, but it seems worse. I don't know if it's because he is getting older or if it's starting to get on my nerves over the years. I feel like I'm married to my father.

If I slip and say a profane word or tell him an ornery joke he gets upset. He wants me to look a certain way. He wants my hair to be long, curly and red and he gets angry if I wear my hair up (even in the summer when it's 100+ degrees). He gets upset if I wear lipstick or have on a shirt that may be a bit tight or low cut. I can't help it that I have an ample chest, so some shirts are going to be a little form fitting.

He also has a bad habit of making me feel stupid. I recently bought a netbook and needed a wireless router. I purchased one on the advice of the sales person and my friend's husband. I was told the one I bought would work for what we needed. When I showed it to him and asked him if he could hook it up, he kept saying it wasn't the right kind. After he got it set up, I asked if it worked ok. He said yes, but it was slow. When I turned around to leave the room in frustration, he said it was ok now. In addition, he gets mad if I listen to country music and he makes fun of nearly everything I like to watch on tv.

And when it comes to sex...I'm so bored. We never try anything new or exciting. I'm afraid to suggest anything erotic or different for fear that he will judge me. Or I'm worried that I will get accused of learning a new "trick" from one of the guys at work. I work with mostly men and that's not my fault. But he's always making comments about my boyfriends at work. I can't even mention any of them in conversation without him getting upset.

He's also very childish when it comes to physical intimacy. He refers to my private area as my wiener. I'm a girl...I don't have a wiener! Or he will point to his private area and giggle like a kid. A huge turn off! And he is always groping me, even when I'm trying to talk to him. If I ask him to stop because I'm trying to have a conversation, he gets mad and threatens to never touch me again.

I'm getting very tired of being controlled. I used to be a bit of a free spirit and now I feel like I've lost myself. I'm afraid to be me. But I can't talk to him about any of this because he is very defensive and sensitive. And honestly, I don't know if I want to fix it. I'm not miserable enough to leave but I'm certainly not happy. I love him...he's a wonderful, moral person. But I feel like a horrible person for pointing out all of his flaws. I'm sure I'm no treat to live with either. But is his controlling behavior considered abusive? I just feel stuck!


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Sorry to hear about ur problem, have u tried being honest and direct with him, nothing will get solved if don't say anything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christie (Jun 27, 2010)

Hi Lissy, Most of the behaviors that you described are considered abusive. I feel awful just reading it, I can only imagine how awful it would feel to be treated that way irl! I would venture to guess that until your husband recovers from his childhood trauma, it will keep manifesting itself in more, and increasingly exaggerated ways. Since you are the constant in his life, unfortunately you're on the receiving end of it. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

i am very sick of the word 'abusive'. i'm not saying he isn't, i'm saying it is far overused as a term. it is very simple.
an abusive man is a sadist who enjoys hurting you. or is unable for whatever reason to stop hurting you.
if he does something that hurts you, simply tell him, without aggressiveness. "that hurts me. you are hurting your wife."
if he continues his behaviour then yes, he is abusive.
if he is willing to work on the problems, then he is not abusive, and the problem is working toward being resolved. and then the work begins.


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## Christie (Jun 27, 2010)

While sadistic, compulsive behavior certainly falls within the spectrum of abuse, the concept and mere definition of abuse is much more complex. To most accurately determine whether a person is being abused, it may be helpful to use information from valid, professional sources.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yes, his behavior is abusive. But that is beside the point. You have put up with it all these years that I don't know why you're asking now. The problem lies with you at this point. Please seek counseling so you are able to work through your own issues. That will reveal the reasons you have accepted his behavior all these years, are not sure you want to fix it, and am not fed up enough to leave him. Self esteem is something major that either he robbed you of or you never had. Counseling will help.


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## lissy73 (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks for the replies/advice.



> I am very sick of the word 'abusive'...or is unable for whatever reason to stop hurting you


He is unable to stop because the few times I have asked him to, he's gotten mad. Not yelling and throwing things mad. Just pouting and threatening to never touch me again kind of mad. This deters me from ever talking to him.



> Yes, his behavior is abusive. But that is beside the point. You have put up with it all these years that I don't know why you're asking now.


I'm asking now because as the years have gone by, things seem to have either gotten worse or it's all just now starting to irritate me. I can't talk to him or tell him what's bothering me because he is super sensitive. Besides, that's his personality and if I try to change him, I doing the exact same thing to him that he's trying to do to me. Right?



> Self esteem is something major that either he robbed you of or you never had. Counseling will help.


I also was sexually and mentally abused, so I've never had self esteem of any kind. I've been in counseling several times, and will probably be going back soon. I want to work through my issues with myself (I have a very messed up view of love). But like I said, I don't want to do couples therapy because I don't want to change him. He is who he is. I either need to learn to deal with it or move on...I guess...I don't know.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Let me share with you.

I know my current marriage is questionable, but I can give advice on your situation based on my previous relationship.

I spent a year with a man I dated because I had no self esteem, he was my first boyfriend, and I thought was the end all and be all of my chances at any relationship.

I'm a brunette, at that age I should have weighed around 120lbs. I dressed a little alt/punk I had a personality, I loved it.

He hated it.

He asked me to listen to different music (I was getting into metal, he wanted me to go punk) Then he told me that I'd look better if I dressed differently. At one point I remember him refusing to kiss me good bye because he didn't like my jacket, it disgusted him.

I dyed my hair red constantly, he prefered red heads, and well, anything else was sub par. 

he thought I was too fat.

He ended up staying in my area for a summer, he lived 3 miles from my house. I HAD to walk there every single day, and walk home before dark. I starved myself, I walked 6 miles every day, and dyed my hair red, changed my clothes, changed my music, and got down to 108lbs.

sex? I am a very kinky person, I dabble in bdsm, I remember begging him to try anything different, even pulling my hair, something! he didn't see the need. He never did.

He took advantage of my weaknesses for a year, before I realized I'd rather be miserable and alone than miserable because of him.

He cut himself a few times (actually any time he didn't get his way) he called me threatening to kill himself, so I told him to do it, do us all a favor, give us more oxygen to breathe.

I got out of there, and I was so happy and so free because of it, I got to enjoy things enjoy my time it was awesome.

what that is is psychological abuse. It's not always intentional, my ex was extremely co-dependant and avoiding dealing with himself, his life, and his fathers death by soaking all of his energy into me. it was unhealthy for both of us.

two years later, he sent me an e-mail, thanking me, because I changed his life..

it sounds as if your relationship is insanely unhealthy and very very similar to my last.

in fact, one of our most embarssing fights was in the middle of my close friends house. We were all playing a board game, and he flipped on me because I didn't want to suck face through the whole game, I'm not that person, and he made sur to embarass me make a scene and threaten to never be with me again or something like that.

it's unhealthy for both of you, from my experience, and the relief I felt after I ended it and was able to move on was tremendous.


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