# Anal Play



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Recently I let my wife know I am interested in anal play, fingers, small toys etc and she said no way. So I said what about if she did it to me as I've been reading about prostate massage etc. She said no way she would not do that either.

I understand not doing it to her and accept that but what do you think about refusing to do it to me? I was being open and honest with her and thought that since it wouldn't hurt her she would be more understanding. We've been having more frequent sex so should I just forget about this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do I think about her refusing to do it to you? I think she has the right to not do it.

She said no to both. Just leave it alone.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What do I think about her refusing to do it to you? I think she has the right to not do it.
> 
> She said no to both. Just leave it alone.


At the end I said what if I did it myself and she said no. Doesn't seem very GGG-like.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think that if this type of sex act was important to you then discussing and coming to conclusion she isn't interested should have been discussed prior to marriage. Maybe this is just a more recent desire that's come to light?? In any case her answer was no so you'll have to live with that now


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think that if this type of sex act was important to you then discussing and coming to conclusion she isn't interested should have been discussed prior to marriage. Maybe this is just a more recent desire that's come to light?? In any case her answer was no so you'll have to live with that now


This wasn't important to me and was never discussed before or after until now, 15 years later.

Her answer was no to me doing it to myself. How is it fair that she deny pleasure that I'm giving myself?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> Her answer was no to me doing it to myself. How is it fair that she deny pleasure that I'm giving myself?


It's not fair. She can't stop you doing it to yourself - it's none of her business UNLESS it starts to interfere with your sex life as a couple.

Have at it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Well she can't stop you doing it to yourself. However maybe the thought of you doing it to your self turns her off.

How is the rest of your sex life?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> This wasn't important to me and was never discussed before or after until now, 15 years later.
> 
> Her answer was no to me doing it to myself. How is it fair that she deny pleasure that I'm giving myself?


This part I do agree with. If you want to do that to yourself then have at it she just doesn't want to participate which I assume also means not witnessing?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She won't do it to you and she won't "allow you" to do it to yourself.

That's very nice.

Divorce her.

Or, do it to yourself anyway. Just to get even with her for being so closeminded, do it at the dinner table.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Did she think "I said what if I did it myself and she said no" meant that you wanted to do it with her participating in some way or with her there?

If you want to try something on your own you don't need permission. But if you were wanting to do it with her in some way you do need her consent and she didn't give it.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

You do know that sh*t comes out of there, right?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sigh....another ass thread. 

You need to cut down on the porn brother.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Well she can't stop you doing it to yourself. However maybe the thought of you doing it to your self turns her off.


I meant doing it myself with her there (but not doing anything), so that is the case I believe. I talked with her last night and she blew up at me telling me that she doesn't want to do it (to me) and under no condition should I bring this up again. I asked her what bothered her so much about it and finally she explained that she didn't believe that any hetero guy would do such a thing and that it reminded her of Shawshank Redemption where it only happens to guys in prison.

I told her that it's fairly common among hetero guys and is nothing out of the ordinary. (She never looks things up on the internet like this so wouldn't know) but she also said she doesn't believe what I found on the internet. I'm talking about fingers etc, not full-on anal sex with a strap-on.




*LittleDeer* said:


> How is the rest of your sex life?


The past 2 weeks it's been every other day which is great. However she is upset that I keep asking for more and more and am never satisfied. I told her I was satisfied but am still kinky. I said that she is vanilla and I'm kinky and there is nothing wrong with either. I thought a good compromise would be don't touch her there but she could touch me there but she disagrees.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Did she think "I said what if I did it myself and she said no" meant that you wanted to do it with her participating in some way or with her there?
> 
> If you want to try something on your own you don't need permission. But if you were wanting to do it with her in some way you do need her consent and she didn't give it.


Participate meaning she would be in the same room. I wouldn't do it without her consent even if she wouldn't actually be doing anything but I'm still disappointed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bravo29 said:


> At the end I said what if I did it myself and she said no. Doesn't seem very *GGG-like*.


What does that mean?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm sorry you're feeling rejected, OP. It would be great if she was GGG (Good, Giving and Game--as coined by Dan Savage), but accepting a partner's hard limits is just as important to a healthy and loving dynamic as GGG is. 

I doubt there is much you can do to change her mind, and I do think you should strop pressing her. Have fun exploring this on your own. Don't invite her to be in the same room, and don't share the details with her unless she wants to know. 

It sounds like you've got a good sex life; try to focus on looking for new, mutually satisfying things to try. If you get negatively hung up on the fact that this particular thing is off limits, you might end building resentment. And if you keep pushing her, she's going to be resentful. 

Again, being GGG for a partner is a wonderful thing. But so is accepting limits.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

bravo29 said:


> I meant doing it myself with her there (but not doing anything), so that is the case I believe. I talked with her last night and she blew up at me telling me that she doesn't want to do it (to me) and under no condition should I bring this up again. I asked her what bothered her so much about it and finally she explained that she didn't believe that any hetero guy would do such a thing and that it reminded her of Shawshank Redemption where it only happens to guys in prison.
> 
> I told her that it's fairly common among hetero guys and is nothing out of the ordinary. (She never looks things up on the internet like this so wouldn't know) but she also said she doesn't believe what I found on the internet. I'm talking about fingers etc, not full-on anal sex with a strap-on.
> 
> ...


I would suggest you stop pressuring her about it. 

Also sounds like she's pretty sexual which is good, but not as kinky as you would like. 

I think if you watch a lot of porn (not saying you do) that you should stop and focus on her. Turn the lights off and hug her before your next sex session, talk gently about fantasies. Don't ever pressure her. Tell her about yours ask her about hers. Keep doing it in a safe non judgemental safe way, and you may be surprised what she is into. 

Just don't watch a lot of porn and pressure her to do what you have been seeing. Also porn can create some really unrealistic expectations. Focus on your wife instead.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Again, being GGG for a partner is a wonderful thing. But so is accepting limits.


That makes a lot of sense, however I wonder if your advice would be the same for someone whose wife doesn't want to give BJs. Should the husband just deal with it and make the best he can? What about if she only wanted missionary style. According to what you're saying the husband should accept her limits and be happy with what he can get. Or am I misunderstanding something?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Lila said:


> Whatever you do, do not show your disappointment by pouting or implementing passive aggressive tactics. Those will only serve to raise her shields again. Don't make a big deal out of this.


I completely agree with this, that's just asking for trouble. I emphasized that I am very satisfied with the current sex we have.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bravo29 said:


> That makes a lot of sense, however I wonder if your advice would be the same for someone whose wife doesn't want to give BJs. Should the husband just deal with it and make the best he can? What about if she only wanted missionary style. According to what you're saying the husband should accept her limits and be happy with what he can get. Or am I misunderstanding something?


The basic rule of marriage is that if a person cannot live with who their spouse is, which includes their limits in everything, then they either accept it or they leave the marriage.

So yes... accept it or leave her. What else are you going to do? Force her?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Also sounds like she's pretty sexual which is good, but not as kinky as you would like.


Exactly.



*LittleDeer* said:


> I think if you watch a lot of porn (not saying you do) that you should stop and focus on her.


I don't watch a lot of porn and do focus on her.



*LittleDeer* said:


> Turn the lights off and hug her before your next sex session, talk gently about fantasies. Don't ever pressure her. Tell her about yours ask her about hers. Keep doing it in a safe non judgemental safe way, and you may be surprised what she is into.


I have already done that and no, she doesn't have any fantasies whatsoever. Believe me I wish did, but she does not. That being said she has agreed to role playing, dirty talking and now light BDSM so she has been receptive to trying things which I appreciate.



*LittleDeer* said:


> Just don't watch a lot of porn and pressure her to do what you have been seeing. Also porn can create some really unrealistic expectations. Focus on your wife instead.


I don't watch much porn and already focus on her. I agree pressuring her about this is not helpful. Just to be clear, I did not pressure her into receiving anal play; I requested she lend a hand (or finger) which I thought wouldn't be a big deal. Considering that she thinks it's comparable to prison sex I can see why she thinks it a big deal although I would have hoped she could overcome her incorrect assumptions over time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do the two of you watch movies together? Maybe start watching some racier movies.. not porn just racier.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The basic rule of marriage is that if a person cannot live with who their spouse is, which includes their limits in everything, then they either accept it or they leave the marriage.
> 
> So yes... accept it or leave her. What else are you going to do? Force her?


There are definitely other options than accepting limits and leaving. Open marriage for one. Obviously, forcing someone to do something against their will is not acceptable.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do the two of you watch movies together? Maybe start watching some racier movies.. not porn just racier.


That's a good idea. Not sure what's available on Netflix and Amazon though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bravo29 said:


> There are definitely other options than accepting limits and leaving. Open marriage for one. Obviously, forcing someone to do something against their will is not acceptable.


So you think your wife would go along with that?

Why not ask her. See how that goes.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> This wasn't important to me and was never discussed before or after until now, 15 years later.
> 
> Her answer was no to me doing it to myself. How is it fair that she deny pleasure that I'm giving myself?


Do it in private. That's not a turn on for her. If it's something you think you would enjoy then there is no reason you can't do it by yourself.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> I meant doing it myself with her there (but not doing anything), so that is the case I believe. I talked with her last night and she blew up at me telling me that she doesn't want to do it (to me) and under no condition should I bring this up again. I asked her what bothered her so much about it and finally she explained that she didn't believe that any hetero guy would do such a thing and that it reminded her of Shawshank Redemption where it only happens to guys in prison.
> 
> I told her that it's fairly common among hetero guys and is nothing out of the ordinary. (She never looks things up on the internet like this so wouldn't know) but she also said she doesn't believe what I found on the internet. I'm talking about fingers etc, not full-on anal sex with a strap-on.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you have two different sexual styles. BDSM is something you became in just recently? Kind of not fair to expect her to change what she is comfortable with. I think she has given you a clear no on this so you have to be ok with that.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

bravo29 said:


> That makes a lot of sense, however I wonder if your advice would be the same for someone whose wife doesn't want to give BJs. Should the husband just deal with it and make the best he can? What about if she only wanted missionary style. According to what you're saying the husband should accept her limits and be happy with what he can get. Or am I misunderstanding something?


Yes. You accept whatever limits your partner sets. It's not ok to force someone into a sexual act.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*I have already done that and no, she doesn't have any fantasies whatsoever. Believe me I wish did, but she does not. That being said she has agreed to role playing, dirty talking and now light BDSM so she has been receptive to trying things which I appreciate.*

So she's willing to do some stuff. What are you worried about?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bravo29 said:


> There are definitely other options than accepting limits and leaving. Open marriage for one. Obviously, forcing someone to do something against their will is not acceptable.


So what is it with you and buttholes? Why not a foot fetish?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Why not a fetish about pleasing your wife and making sure she is getting enjoyment out of the sexual experience?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So you think your wife would go along with that?
> 
> Why not ask her. See how that goes.


I was replying to your "basic rule of marriage" explanation about having only two options, accept or leave. There are more than 2 options, of course leaving and open marriage would not work well for this particular issue.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> There are definitely other options than accepting limits and leaving. Open marriage for one. Obviously, forcing someone to do something against their will is not acceptable.


You want to ask for an open marriage because she won't put her finger up your butt?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> You want to ask for an open marriage because she won't put her finger up your butt?


:rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> You want to ask for an open marriage because she won't put her finger up your butt?


I was replying to the "basic rule of marriage" explanation given. I wouldn't want an open marriage in my case.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If she got upset, you better back off for a while.

I believe spouses should be open to trying something if the other spouse really really wants it. Trying, not giving carte blanche to keep at it.

Wait a few weeks. Print out some articles on anal play including instructions regarding cleanliness prior to play. Talk again. This time you are asking her to read the info and out some good faith consideration into trying this one time. If she tries it hates it, you'll never bring it up again. And you WILL abide by that!

Your wife brings some inaccurate judgments to this consideration. It's your job to teach, sooth, and reassure her. You ask her questions about what she fears, what she doesn't want, what meanings she attributes to this, how it makes her feel. You tell her how this makes you feel. If she still refuses...respect her decision happily and with a good attitude.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> :rofl:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Yeah, this entire debate criteria seems to be just a little too"anal" for me!*


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Bravo...there are women 'out there' for whom giving or receiving oral sex is simply disgusting...there are people out there who think sex anywhere than in the bedroom with the lights out is disgusting and perverted.

I have read a number of articles about prostate massages and how mind blowing they can be. Sadly I am married to a women who falls into the above paragraph.

Personally I do not think oral sex is disgusting, nor do I think that anal sex is disgusting...and I also think that a healthy and 'experimental' sex life is healthy. If something feels good and you are BOTH (and thats the key word; both) happy doing it then go do!

If you love the person enough you would do it...for them. BUT....no matter how much I loved someone I would not entertain scat or golden showers with them....for me thats many steps too far...but for some its de rigeur!

For me, I'd be happy with a wife who just enjoyed sex, even if only missionary!
Be grateful for what you have!

DIY - your body, do what you want.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening Pooh Bear
I don't know about the OP, but I do absolutely anything I can think of to please my wife (she will never tell me what she wants).

There is still a very limited set of things she will do for me. 




Pooh Bear said:


> Why not a fetish about pleasing your wife and making sure she is getting enjoyment out of the sexual experience?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

askari said:


> For me, I'd be happy with a wife who just enjoyed sex, even if only missionary!


According to some posters here you should just accept their limits...

EleGirl:
"The basic rule of marriage is that if a person cannot live with who their spouse is, which includes their limits in everything, then they either accept it or they leave the marriage."

Pooh Bear:
"You accept whatever limits your partner sets."


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Great advice, thanks!



Anon Pink said:


> If she got upset, you better back off for a while.
> 
> I believe spouses should be open to trying something if the other spouse really really wants it. Trying, not giving carte blanche to keep at it.
> 
> ...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> That makes a lot of sense, however I wonder if your advice would be the same for someone whose wife doesn't want to give BJs. Should the husband just deal with it and make the best he can? What about if she only wanted missionary style. According to what you're saying the husband should accept her limits and be happy with what he can get. Or am I misunderstanding something?


Yes, I think I would likely give the same advice--even though my personal sympathy goes to the person, like you, who has the unfulfilled kink or sexual desire. 

You cannot change someone else by pressuring them, so my comments usually focus on things the person who comes here asking for advice can do. And something you could do is try to accept her limits, focus on the positives, and look for other new things that you might both be into (it sounds like you've been doing that with exploration of BDSM). 

If you think she is still open to being persuaded without it affecting your relationship negatively, then by all means, continue to try and communicate with her about this. Of course you shouldn't shame her or make her feel bad for her limits, but some people will change their minds because they want to make their partner happy. Perhaps your wife will change her mind if she comes to understand how much you want to explore this. AnonPink had some good ideas on how you could approach educating your wife about anal play and prostate massage. 

If your wife's current stance is a deal breaker for you, or if it's going to cause you to begin building resentment, then absolutely you should communicate this to your wife. Not as a threat, but as information she should have about you and the marriage. However, you do then face the possibility that she will resentfully do as you ask because she felt like she had no other choice, and this most certainly will not be good for your relationship or your sex life. It's not an easy line to tread. 

For the record, if your wife was the one who came here seeking advice, I would have told her, "Asking your partner to accept your limits is certainly something you can and should be able to do, but having a partner who is GGG is just as important, and can work to increase intimacy and trust beyond what you might have ever thought possible."


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Thank you for the thoughtful response.



GettingIt said:


> You cannot change someone else by pressuring them, so my comments usually focus on things the person who comes here asking for advice can do. And something you could do is try to accept her limits, focus on the positives, and look for other new things that you might both be into (it sounds like you've been doing that with exploration of BDSM).


That sounds exactly like something my MC would say.



GettingIt said:


> Of course you shouldn't shame her or make her feel bad for her limits, but some people will change their minds because they want to make their partner happy.


It's funny reading this because that is exactly how I feel for being honest with my interest in kink. She's making me feel like I'm disgusting and should be ashamed of myself. And I'm not even asking to do it to her, I'm asking her to help me out.

I told her that and she sees my point as well.



GettingIt said:


> If your wife's current stance is a deal breaker for you, or if it's going to cause you to begin building resentment, then absolutely you should communicate this to your wife. Not as a threat, but as information she should have about you and the marriage. However, you do then face the possibility that she will resentfully do as you ask because she felt like she had no other choice, and this most certainly will not be good for your relationship or your sex life. It's not an easy line to tread.


Exactly. In this case it's not a big deal considering we are having sex every other day and she's trying other things. I definitely am not looking for a duty finger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

askari said:


> For me, I'd be happy with a wife who just enjoyed sex, even if only missionary!





bravo29 said:


> According to some posters here you should just accept their limits...
> 
> EleGirl:
> "The basic rule of marriage is that if a person cannot live with who their spouse is, which includes their limits in everything, then they either accept it or they leave the marriage."
> ...


Nope that's no what I said. I did not say that he or anyone should just accept their limits.

I said that you either accept it OR leave the marriage. The words to the right stand on their own Justas the words to the left of the 'or'.

I know what while Pooh Bear left it off, she would agree with the "or clause"... she has talked about this before.

I get the impression you think that as a woman (in particular Pooh Baer and me) are just being puritanical, or selfish, or what ever.

You might want to consider that women run into the same thing. We have relationships in which our partners refuse to do things that are 'normal', we have partners who will only do vanilla sex (yes there are men like this), we have partners who have all kinds of hang ups. We even have partners who make our marriages sexless.. men choose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do. 

There are women who post here all the time whose husband either will not have sex or turn them down constantly. 

So I'm not sure why you think you need to point out that I said, and of course ignore the rest of the sentence... as a way to reticule my post. It's a fact. We have to live by the same rules.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I said that you either accept it OR leave the marriage.


There are more options other than accepting it or LEAVING. Not everything is black and white which GettingIt alluded to so eloquently.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Just an update, my wife offered me a HJ, I got the lube, and she fingered me, if only a bit. I can't believe she actually went through with it. I thanked her for being open-minded, she said I'm very lucky to have her as a wife which I agreed, and then we watched tv together.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Great!

Maybe next time she'll do it a bit more.

Just don't fart on her finger, that would be devastating.

I farted in my exwife's face once when she was licking my ass. She was ok with it but it sort of spoiled the mood.

It had nothing to do with why divorced in case anyone is wondering.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

bravo29 said:


> I can't believe she actually went through with it.



I can. In this thread alone you've said you guys have sex every other day, and she's tried "role playing, dirty talking and ... light BDSM" stuff.

You also mistakenly qualify her as "vanilla".

You've got it made. Your wife is open and you guys have sex frequently. You need to get over the fact that she however does NOT have to, nor should she be expected to, do every single kink that you want.

I have no issue with anal play; it can feel amazing for men and women. However there is nothing wrong with people who just don't want to have anything to do with playing in the same area where poop shoots.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sometimes when you plant a little seed by making your desire known then back off, you give your spouse time and space to process. Then if you don't pressure, they may decide themselves to give it a try. As you've found out.

Be careful that you don't convey the message that no matter what she does it's never enough. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sometimes when you plant a little seed by making your desire known then back off, you give your spouse time and space to process. Then if you don't pressure, they may decide themselves to give it a try. As you've found out.
> 
> Be careful that you don't convey the message that no matter what she does it's never enough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I first met my 2nd wife she was quite conservative in the sexual department with having only 2 boyfriends prior to me. It was straight missionary sex though her oral talents I must admit was extraordinary 

To get her to open up a bit it took years of sharing and discussing " outside the box " sexual taboos that I thought may be fun or interesting to try. No pressure and little itzy bitzy baby steps allowed her to think about it on her own terms.

The things we can discuss or fantasize ( bdsm with ropes and blindfolds for example ) were beyond my wildest dreams for her but as they say ............... patience is a virtue


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FatherofTwo said:


> When I first met my 2nd wife she was quite conservative in the sexual department with having only 2 boyfriends prior to me. It was straight missionary sex though her oral talents I must admit was extraordinary
> 
> To get her to open up a bit it took years of sharing and discussing " outside the box " sexual taboos that I thought may be fun or interesting to try. No pressure and little itzy bitzy baby steps allowed her to think about it on her own terms.
> 
> The things we can discuss or fantasize ( bdsm with ropes and blindfolds for example ) were beyond my wildest dreams for her but as they say ............... patience is a virtue


You got it figured out! Write a book 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> You got it figured out! Write a book
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I have a 7 year old and 3 year old right now so no time to even write a check for the bills some days but maybe once they're all grown up and out of the house perhaps ??

By then I'll have Alzheimer's and won't be able to get it up any more so it wont matter


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sometimes when you plant a little seed by making your desire known then back off, you give your spouse time and space to process. Then if you don't pressure, they may decide themselves to give it a try. As you've found out.
> 
> Be careful that you don't convey the message that no matter what she does it's never enough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. You nailed it!


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Bravo, that's good news for you. Sometimes the advice you get here is super extreme and totally off the mark. I do believe in leaving when you are unhappy, but I do not believe in accepting something as if it can't eventually change. People change. They just need time. With good communication and sharing your thoughts, someone that loves you will eventually open up to your needs and desires, especially if it doesn't hurt them beyond their pride or ego.

I'm glad that worked out for you. Again, communicate and be patient. Don't expect everything to happen in a day. Once she realized what you were into, she just had to wrap her mind around. It probably embarrassed her to even hear it at first. There are stages to how the mind works and accepts things. It's normal for her to lash out at first and be totally against it when she didn't expect it or had never thought about it before. No big deal.


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