# Emotional Affair...I need help coping. First Time Poster



## pauline2001 (Dec 13, 2008)

This is my first post to this site, and any help would be appreciated.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have a teenage daughter. We separated last year when I felt I just couldn't take the relationship anymore (he drinks a lot), and he moved out. About six months ago, we decided that we should try to get our family back together. When his lease was up, we decided that we should still work on the marriage, but live apart. Things were working out really well. We would spend some week nights and most weekends together as a family. Things were going great.... Enter "GIRL" "FRIEND"...

About three weeks ago, a friend he had made while we were separated called him and asked if she could stay at his house for a few days. Apparently, her husband threw her out and she had nowhere else to go. My husband asked me if it was okay with me. (He was now spending most of his time at the house with me.) I said I thought a few days was okay, but I didn't want him seeing her alone. He agreed that my request was reasonable. 

It has now been three weeks, and he is getting more and more withdrawn from me. He talks to her daily, usually for 20-30 minutes. Instead of calling me on the way home from work, he calls her. He is also paying all the bills for her to stay at his rental house...rent, cable tv, electric, water, heat. When I asked him to pitch in for food for our family, he states that he doesn't have the money. I suspect that he is also giving her money, as she doesn't work. When I quesion him about anything regarding her, he gets really mad at me and says he's just helping out a friend. He seems to have more concern for her than me and our daughter. 

Our marriage was coming back together until she entered the picture. Now, my husband only responds to me with "yes" or "no" answers when he bothers to answer me at all. A lot of the time, he just refuses to answer. There is absolutely no communcation, as he does all his communicting with her. All signs point to an emotional affair. I think this is equally destructive to a relationship as a sexual affair. All I have done for the past week is cry. I can't seem to find an answer anywhere on how to cope or deal with this. Can anyone offer me any suggestions? I am desperate to save our family. Thanks in advance to all for reading and helping.


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## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

I have been in a similar situation recently. While we have not separated, I did find out that my husband had been paying rent and utilities for a female friend. He also bought her some expensive gifts. Now he has maxxed out the credit cards, been working reduced hours and has no extra money. 

I didn't find out about all of this until he asked me to sign papers for a home equity loan. I pay the house payment and all of the other bills that have to be paid. He only had medical bills, his personal loan and his credit cards to pay. 

I gave him an ultimatum. He had to end all communication with her.
That was easy since she doesn't seem to have any interest in their friendship since his well has run dry.

Let him know that his behavior in unacceptable and what he needs to change if he wants to have his family together. Stick to your guns and good luck.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Feel your pain. Married 22 years, 2 kids. H has EA with a coworker for several years. D-Day was in July. He swears they are just friends only. I dont believe him. I told him NC or divorce will come next. Now he's become sneaky. He bought a 'secret' prepaid phone to talk to her. I found his hiding place and check it periodically. Sometimes he forgets to delete all calls. Noticed that he talked to her Dec 2. I dont want to mention to him that I know he still have the 'secret' phone because he will hide it better and I want to stay 'one up' on him. 

I could not allow my H to let the OW stay in his place while we are trying to reconcile. She is not his problem. Let her family help her, not him. Tell him to put her ass out and if he doesnt do it, then tell him to go back to his place with her. That seems to be where he wants to be anyway.

I want my husband to point blank tell me what he wants. Its obvious that he wants some kind of contact with OW since he still calls her on his 'secret' phone. He wont be honest with me so I'm still in limbo.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i think it is commendable that you took the alcohol problem into your own hands. good for you. apparently that forced him to change and he is not drinking now. is that the case?

if so, your "ultimatum" forced a change in his behavior. it could work again, right? just tell him under no uncertain terms that you demand that he end all contact. none of this crap about her staying at his place. it's not a crash pad, it's his exile. that's it. i believe he'll make the right decision.


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## pauline2001 (Dec 13, 2008)

Thanks for the responses. He tells me that everything is my fault because I don't trust him. Well, how in the world are you supposed to trust someone whose every action is done behind your back? A part of me really wants to just let go. I feel frustrated being the only one attempting to keep our family together. And, quite frankly, it's becoming more and more difficult as time passes. It's easy to say I'll just throw him out, but quite hard to actually follow through. He believes that every problem in our marriage has been brought on by myself and he can do no wrong. He said that if I trusted him, it really wouldn't be a problem for him to visit his female "friend." He just can't see it from my point of view. I wonder if his outlook would change if I had a few male "friends" that I talked to every day and stopped to visit at their house instead of coming home after work.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

pauline2001 said:


> I wonder if his outlook would change if I had a few male "friends" that I talked to every day and stopped to visit at their house instead of coming home after work.


I said that to my H and he encouraged me to do it. Figures. That would have absolved him of any guilt. But if it really happened, I do not think he would like it even if he still sees her.


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