# Sex on the first date



## Tr1qu3tra (Jun 4, 2012)

Some of you may remember my post a few months back in the infidelity section, if not here is a recap:

My wife cheated on me while I was away on a business trip and left me shortly afterwards. I was devastated and grieved heavily for months. More recently, I've severed all ties with my ex and have been patiently waiting for someone else.

Last weekend my best bud set me up with a date with his girlfriends cousin. We hit it off instantly and things moved extremely fast. We went out, had an amazingly fun time and began feeling each other out; only to realize that we have nearly everything in common. Now, she's not a sl*t, she hadn't had sex literally in years (and the proof was in the details) but by the end of the night we ended up having sex. 

The next day we cuddled and kissed at every opportunity, we went out again, though this time she was much closer to me in public. Then she had to go back home (about an hour away) to work, and has been working every day since then. We haven't seen each other and I'm trying not to make too forceful of an effort.

First date sex. For some reason this kind of scares me because I really like this girl and want to eventually date her. I pumped my breaks and I'm trying to figure out what to do and it almost seems like she is doing the same thing. I'm trying to keep my distance, but I'm still keeping in touch every other day or so (that's the plan at least, it has only been a few days since we hooked up).

Is it possible to make a relationship work when the ice gets broken too quickly? Is her distance because she wants to move slower like I do? Is she embarrassed? I may be thinking too deeply into this, but I don't want to goof this up. Even if it doesn't work I'll be just fine, I'm not desperate. I just see a wonderful opportunity and want to make it happen.

Thanks for reading!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

My opinion:
Don't bring it up on next date. Don't have sex on next date.

After you've dated for about a month or two.. If you feel a strong connection, and still feel you both have lots in common. (That you are enjoying together in common, without having sex)... THEN, talk to her about it. Talk about wanting to put the breaks on & that you are sorry that you potentially upset the timing of a good relationship, but having sex too early. THen ask her all the questions you mentioned above. See what she has to say at that point.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

While generally not recommended for obvious reasons, it's not the end of the world.

I only did that once...ended up marrying the guy.

But typically, not what usually happens!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> My opinion:
> Don't bring it up on next date. Don't have sex on next date.
> 
> After you've dated for about a month or two.. If you feel a strong connection, and still feel you both have lots in common. (That you are enjoying together in common, without having sex)... THEN, talk to her about it. Talk about wanting to put the breaks on & that you are sorry that you potentially upset the timing of a good relationship, but having sex too early. THen ask her all the questions you mentioned above. See what she has to say at that point.


This is great advice! With my husband, that's what ended up happening. Sex that first night, and then we dated exclusively for over a month before it happened again....after a few weeks dating, I think I said something like "I can't beleive we did that the other night, just like that!", and we laughed. It certainly wasn't my typical behaviour, and I wanted to make sure he knew that!


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Haven't been in this position for a long time, but if you think this relationship may go further or would at least want to explore the possibilities then talk to her, be honest and sincere. After all many of the marriage problems people talk about here are from lack of communication(one of the issues in my marriage) so why start this off on the wrong foot.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't agree with not bringing it up. Didn't work for me and finally I had to bring it up with the guy.

I'd say tell her what you said here. You really felt a connection and still do, and that you'd like to see her again and continue to let things develop and even though it was great, you'd like to get to know her on all levels and plan on NOT having sex the next time. Make sure you let her know you don't see it as a mistake and you are still VERY attracted to her but that you want all facets of your relationship to evolve together and not have one area get too far ahead of the others.

I bet she will be relieved and feel the same way and will be pleased you brought it up and that aren't expecting it every time.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I had sex with my husband on the first date and we just celebrated our 26 year anniversary.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Tr1qu3tra said:


> Some of you may remember my post a few months back in the infidelity section, if not here is a recap:
> 
> My wife cheated on me while I was away on a business trip and left me shortly afterwards. I was devastated and grieved heavily for months. More recently, I've severed all ties with my ex and have been patiently waiting for someone else.
> 
> ...


I think first date sex is fine. The only problem is that sometimes one or both people may bond prematurely. I would encourage you both to remain aware that sexual compatibility is just ONE of the five things that should be compatible for a relationship to work. I've written about both compatibility and how quick is too quick to be become sexual in the articles below, if you're interested in reading them. You'll also find other related topics that might be relevant to you. 

How Soon Should You Have Sex in a New Relationship?

5 Pillars of Compatibility (& Incompatibility)


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

sex on 1st date good when you can confirm it's been a while for her. throw in the distance and she had more of a reason. forget about it........the discussion will come up in time.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I had sex with my wife the afternoon after our first date. That was 22 years ago. She denies that she gave it up so quickly, but I'm not THAT old, and my memory is just fine.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sound like a lot of pent up sexual energy, I personally think it can be an amazing thing for two people to experience, as long as neither are being driven by what they think the other is thinking.

I would not apologize at all if I were you, you are not using her, you felt a connection and did what came naturally. Unless you are lying to us now and just in fact wanted to use her for sex.

If not, and you enjoyed it, and she did, do not let her feel embarrassment at all, take the opportunity to reassure her and give her comfort that you in fact respect her, and just continue to enjoy her company and doing what comes naturally. And be responsible!


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## Tr1qu3tra (Jun 4, 2012)

Thank you for your responses!

EnjoliWoman/KathyBatesel- Excellent advice. I think honesty is the best answer.

ETC52R- She's kind of a good girl Christian who was raised with strong values. She seems pretty legit, which is different compared to what I'm used to.

Lon- When my friend set us up, I had no expectations what so ever to be honest. I genuinely have feelings for her and want to do this the right way. Good advice.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Good to hear. 

My thoughts are: it has only been a few months since the end of your marriage (you may still be married for that matter). Take it slow. Do not overlook red flags because everything else is going so well. Beware the rebound effect.

Otherwise, enjoy your time with her. That new relationship feeling is a great thing.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Tr1qu3tra said:


> Thank you for your responses!
> 
> EnjoliWoman/KathyBatesel- Excellent advice. I think honesty is the best answer.
> 
> ...


Such a coincidence, we were set up, too...best of luck!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Tr1qu3tra said:


> ETC52R- S*he's kind of a good girl Christian* who was raised with strong values. She seems pretty legit, which is different compared to what I'm used to.


Thanks for the chuckle of the day.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

She was probably date -deprived (she was set up, too), you were rebounding... both ready for a roll in the hay.

I wouldn't mark her as the next Mrs. Tr1qu3tra quite yet. Just roll with it for a while.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's for this reason that, IMO, it's not a good idea to get intimate too soon. As you've discovered, it complicates things because there isn't that level of emotional intimacy, yet, that makes talking things out particularly easy.

I would tell her that you like her, but would like to proceed a little slower than you started out.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I would tell her that you like her, but would like to proceed a little slower than you started out.


:thumbdown: boring!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> :thumbdown: boring!


Thanks


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think you all had sex because there was lots of pent up energy, and both of you seem to have a great connection.
I also think you all should talk about it and find out each other's feelings on it.
I don't think you need to be scared of anything.
Just know what's in your head.
Maybe she's really into you.
My thinking is that on the next date she will want to have sex again.
If I were you I would have sex , and make it memorable.
Let her spend the night and have ** breakfast in bed ** the next morning.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well.... if you can f*ck her you should be able to TALK to her. So be an adult..... bring it up. Ask her the things you wonder about. 

Communication is EVERYTHING!!!!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> *Well.... if you can f*ck her you should be able to TALK to her. So be an adult..... bring it up. Ask her the things you wonder about.*
> 
> Communication is EVERYTHING!!!!


A-flipping-men!
Sometimes sex is just that, sex, no strings attached, no expectations, nothing but feeling good in the moment.
Enjoy yourself, have some fun & you never know where the two of you may end up down the road.


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## Tr1qu3tra (Jun 4, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> A-flipping-men!
> Sometimes sex is just that, sex, no strings attached, no expectations, nothing but feeling good in the moment.
> Enjoy yourself, have some fun & you never know where the two of you may end up down the road.


That's true. So I should just let go? I texted her today and got no reply. I'm thinking I should just move on. Dang, I guess I just forgot what it's like to be single again after being married for years and years lol.

This is just a learning experience. Thanks for all of your input. I'll figure this out, it has just been a while. This website is awesome.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Maybe she's just embarassed? I know that when I woke up the moring after (we didn't spend whole the night together) I was mortally embarassed because I'd never behaved that way in all my life.

But then, he texted/called and everything was fine. We were forced to cool off for 10 days as he left on business, (kept in touch via email) but when he got back...inseparable.

We still laugh about it to this day...I love that man.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Tr1qu3tra said:


> That's true. So I should just let go? I texted her today and got no reply. I'm thinking I should just move on. Dang, I guess I just forgot what it's like to be single again after being married for years and years lol.
> 
> This is just a learning experience. Thanks for all of your input. I'll figure this out, it has just been a while. This website is awesome.


Oh the joys of dating, can be fun & frustrating at the same time.
It's like a dance, sometimes you know the steps & others you have two left feet. 
No need to move on just yet, she could be busy or unsure of your intentions, take it one day at a time.
Give it some time before you give up.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

banged my wife of 20 yrs on the first date!

but don't think that she will put out so easy after marriage!


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## Tr1qu3tra (Jun 4, 2012)

Yeah, so I called, got no answer and left a voicemail telling her how I felt. I still haven't heard back, so I guess that's that! Thanks for the advice guys, I just don't think it was meant to be.


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## katewislet (Oct 3, 2012)

:scratchhead:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Tr1qu3tra said:


> Yeah, so I called, got no answer and left a voicemail telling her how I felt. I still haven't heard back, so I guess that's that! Thanks for the advice guys, I just don't think it was meant to be.




Thanks for being so honest and sharing your experience and vulnerability. For me, it's reassuring that a guy can feel this way, too. And seeing all the different responses is also enlightening.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

A good Christian girl? She may have embarrassment about what happened? That happened to my friend a few weeks ago. The exact same thing. He hadn't dated in a while and so hadn't the girl. She is a Christian woman. The second night together they fooled around and did just about everything but penetration sex. He texted her a few times and she didn't respond. Then out of the blue she texts him that she never wants to see him again. She probably felt shame that she gave in into her desires. Obviously, sex on the first date can be bad for obvious reasons. But sometimes there are just two people who are not interested in screwing everyone who have a connection, can REALLY hit it off and it can escalate to sex fairly quickly. I am a Christian man and I want a good Christian woman. But if there is one thing that frustrates me with dating a deeply religious woman it is how awkward they can be:banghead:. Some know the bible better then they know themselves. Some of them try and think there is no way they can be horny for a man Women are attracted to trust. Some of them can't imagine that they could ever be completely comfortable with a man that they could let go of their inhibitions and want him sexually quite quickly. So when it happens(kissing to whatever else) they act like they would never do such of thing have to get a way from it like it is a crime scene. 

Hopefully she comes around. But it's obvious this isn't something she is willing to acknowledge. She may pretend it never happened and when she meets another man she'll have deleted this from her memory and he'll think she's never done anything like this(OOPS! maybe she did this to you). Or she may just tell people how you are the one who sinned and alleviate herself of any responsibility. Congratulations. Unbeknownst to you may have become a smooth talker playboy who's taken advantage of a good woman and used her. shame on you:yawn2:

You could tell her that you don't really have any shame over what happened and this is not normal for you. Make her feel like it was IS something special and that you were just so into her. You didn't want to use her but you have no regrets to having already connected to her intimately. You would be willing to take things slow but shouldn't have any shame about this because you like her. If she at least doesn't respond then she is being childish and dare I say it.....stupid. Having sex with someone and never contacting them again. Classy.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Thanks for the chuckle of the day.


Well played.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Tr1qu3tra said:


> That's true. So I should just let go? I texted her today and got no reply. I'm thinking I should just move on. Dang, I guess I just forgot what it's like to be single again after being married for years and years lol.
> 
> This is just a learning experience. Thanks for all of your input. I'll figure this out, it has just been a while. This website is awesome.


Don't feel too bad.
Such are the perils of the " dating game."


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Tr1qu3tra said:


> Yeah, so I called, got no answer and left a voicemail telling her how I felt. I still haven't heard back, so I guess that's that! Thanks for the advice guys, I just don't think it was meant to be.


Do you ever read over at Roissy's. It's a must for a newly single guy. Married too, for that matter.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Do you ever read over at Roissy's. It's a must for a newly single guy. Married too, for that matter.


Well I don't know if i'd recommend Roissy. He has a lot of tips and insightful things. Some very insightful. But he is a cynic. Also he's not very religious and he's somewhat of a racist.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, I commiserate. Similar position only I'll hazard second date since the first date was an interview that turned into a date. He texted me when he got home - positive, wanting to possibly get together over weekend (I had my kids but could arrange it) - then emailed to re-iterate next day he had a great time including a smiley, but he had to do bank paperwork over the weekend for business loan (he'd mentioned this, and yes it is a big deal and likely due Monday and complex as well...) so Sunday wasn't definitel and said he wanted to see me soon, maybe Tuesday, if schedules worked out (he knows I have Tuesday afternoons kid free...) 

He has not called but he said he doesn't do a lot of phone and certainly that has not been our m.o. since we met we have been email and the texting is something relatively new. I did reply that I could be flexible about Sunday but why not forego it in favor of Tuesday then...but to let me know about Sunday. Haven't heard back. Sometimes he emails late in the evening...he works like a dog when he's working.

I have no reason to distrust him. He said he would date me when he was in the state, and not date when he was not in the state. lol. We are going to be working together and were introduced by someone we both know and will have professional worklife with for probably the rest of our career and we talked about this work vs. personal and decided it would be fine since we got along so well. So I have no reason to believe he would just ditch me after all this communication and planning. 

But still...any thoughts, beyond the obvious...
I kind of expect to be vulnerable, it's fine. Vulnerability is an opportunity to build trust, or to determine if it's been violated.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> Well I don't know if i'd recommend Roissy. He has a lot of tips and insightful things. Some very insightful. But he is a cynic. Also he's not very religious and he's somewhat of a racist.


Adults can find the gold among the coal and there's plenty of gold just lying around there.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Adults can find the gold among the coal and there's plenty of gold just lying around there.


Good point. There's no need for me to be trying to protect anyone from information.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by Lon:
> Sound like a lot of pent up sexual energy, I personally think it can be an amazing thing for two people to experience, as long as neither are being driven by what they think the other is thinking.
> 
> I would not apologize at all if I were you, you are not using her, you felt a connection and did what came naturally. Unless you are lying to us now and just in fact wanted to use her for sex.
> ...


*THIS* right here is *WHY* you, Lon, *should NOT be giving up on relationships*! 

YOU have a very mature outlook on life, people, motivations, realities of adult life. *PLEASE do women in general a favor and KEEP LOOKING for someone special! You really do have A LOT TO OFFER!*


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

me?? lol, thanks SGW... but I never said I've given up on relationships, I said I'm giving up trying to understand them


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> me?? lol, thanks SGW... but I never said I've given up on relationships, I said I'm giving up trying to understand them


That's a good step, Lon!
It's when you turn off too much thinking (not all thinking though...) that the good stuff will happen.
It doesn't have to make sense, it just needs to feel right.


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