# Huge mistake update



## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

I have been following the comments and want to thank everyone for trying to help me. I think my marriage will be ok after some time and changes even though this has really messed him up and our relationship. He still loves me and doesn’t hate me thank god. No mention of divorce or separation. It has been a really horrible feeling not being able to recall something so intimate and not give him any answers. It has gotten around some and I have been getting texts asking me what happened. That also sucks. Thinking about moving. He wants me to go to therapy and I will be starting that soon. I have brought up marriage counseling a few times to help us through this and he seems receptive. It can’t hurt and we are going away for a few days soon. My husband has overall handled this great considering the circumstances. We have gotten into a few arguments and we have talked about it more times then I can count. I have just been trying to let him feel his feelings. A lot of hurtful things have been said (of course) but most of the time he is nice to me which always makes me feel worse. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been good for us I think. He is a great person and I have been lucky to be with him. Overall this has been a nightmare though. I think he knows I didn’t set out to cheat on him.

My husband messaged the other guy on Facebook. I saw the messages, husband wasn’t mean or attacking he just wanted to see what he would say and details. They had a few messages and it turned into a fight unsurprisingly. He got defensive, threw some insults and blocked my husband. I deactivated my Facebook after he messaged me. All of this made husband really mad so he tried to get his number for a while and then calmed down. He did get his number but hasn’t done anything with it so far.

I talked to my friend who gave me the pill and brought the guy. Not sure what to believe honestly. She said he is very recently divorced or separated, been all over the place but who knows. He had been hanging out with my friend a lot more since then and said he was going through a rough time. He told her that we ran into each other when everyone was asleep and that is how it happened. Friend told my husband how messed up I was and she didn’t think I knew what I was doing. I will never know. She said she has distanced herself from him. We aren’t going to involve police because we think it is a waste of time and will just create more problems. I have just been trying to focus on my marriage, work, and improving my life. Hopefully we can get past this with time. I’m sure we have a lot more to go through and I’m not sure what else to do to help him or us.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been following the comments and want to thank everyone for trying to help me. I think my marriage will be ok after some time and changes even though this has really messed him up and our relationship. He still loves me and doesn’t hate me thank god. No mention of divorce or separation. It has been a really horrible feeling not being able to recall something so intimate and not give him any answers. It has gotten around some and I have been getting texts asking me what happened. That also sucks. Thinking about moving. He wants me to go to therapy and I will be starting that soon. I have brought up marriage counseling a few times to help us through this and he seems receptive. It can’t hurt and we are going away for a few days soon. My husband has overall handled this great considering the circumstances. We have gotten into a few arguments and we have talked about it more times then I can count. I have just been trying to let him feel his feelings. A lot of hurtful things have been said (of course) but most of the time he is nice to me which always makes me feel worse. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been good for us I think. He is a great person and I have been lucky to be with him. Overall this has been a nightmare though. I think he knows I didn’t set out to cheat on him.
> 
> My husband messaged the other guy on Facebook. I saw the messages, husband wasn’t mean or attacking he just wanted to see what he would say and details. They had a few messages and it turned into a fight unsurprisingly. He got defensive, threw some insults and blocked my husband. I deactivated my Facebook after he messaged me. All of this made husband really mad so he tried to get his number for a while and then calmed down. He did get his number but hasn’t done anything with it so far.
> 
> I talked to my friend who gave me the pill and brought the guy. Not sure what to believe honestly. She said he is very recently divorced or separated, been all over the place but who knows. He had been hanging out with my friend a lot more since then and said he was going through a rough time. He told her that we ran into each other when everyone was asleep and that is how it happened. Friend told my husband how messed up I was and she didn’t think I knew what I was doing. I will never know. She said she has distanced herself from him. We aren’t going to involve police because we think it is a waste of time and will just create more problems. I have just been trying to focus on my marriage, work, and improving my life. Hopefully we can get past this with time. I’m sure we have a lot more to go through and I’m not sure what else to do to help him or us.


Thanks for updating us. It sounds like things have turned out about as well as they can under the circumstances.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Good luck to you. You have a long and dark road ahead of you.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

I know I caused it and feel extreme guilt about it.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

KGS- your sincerity shows in your post. You’ve been honest and upfront from the start, never tried to avoid responsibility. We all see that. You come off as a good and genuine person and I truly hope the best for both you and your husband.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Thanks for the update Kgs.

Both of you still have a long journey in front of you but glad to hear that your H is wanting to try to work through this mess. He's going to have a Rollercoaster of emotions for a long time. Hang in there!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kgs-95 You were so out of it your friend checked on you to make sure you were still breathing and next minute you were wandering about hooking up with some man you didn't know very much about?

That doesn't seem in the slightest bit plausible.

Your friend made a massive mistake by giving you a large does of a dangerous opioid narcotic and not making certain you only took the half she later told you you should have taken and made another massive mistake by allowing a man who "She said he is very recently divorced or separated, been all over the place but who knows. He had been hanging out with my friend a lot more since then and said he was going through a rough time" to wander around in _*your house *_when you were incapacitated due to her negligence! She should have told him to leave with the other man when he left.

I think now you know that she can't be relied on as a friend and you and your husband need to cut her out of your lives. It's not nice to learn that a friend doesn't really have your best interests at heart.

I wish you and your husband all the best for the future. Please remember that we are here for you and your husband, so do keep popping in to see us.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Kgs-95 , best to you and your husband. Believe you have learned a lot at unfortunately a high price. Better days ahead.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Kgs-95 said:


> I know I caused it and feel extreme guilt about it.


Yes, you did cause it.

And it's good that you feel guilty.
You nearly destroyed your marriage.

But, in time, as you and your husband heal, you will have to let that go.

You have to heal from the guilt as he needs to heal from the betrayal.

Learn from this, be better, and live well.

I wish you the best.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Kgs-95 said:


> I know I caused it and feel extreme guilt about it.


Other than your cheating and your delay in telling your husband what happened, it looks like you've done everything else correctly since then.

Best wishes for you and your husband to work things out.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Kgs-95 said:


> I know I caused it and feel extreme guilt about it.


You have reason to feel that way.
However, the fact that you realize what you did wrong and the fact that you owned your mistakes will help you overcome it.
Review your thread.
During the course of that thread, you made several promises regarding adjustments you were going to make if you were given a second chance.
Make those changes and adhere to them.
Value your husband and marriage. Never put yourself in a situation that can undermine them again.
You didn't intend to put yourself in the situation that you are in. However naivete,and poor choices put you there.
Learn from this event, and do whatever you need to do to make sure that it never happens again.
Best wishes.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wish you and your husband the best.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

MattMatt said:


> @Kgs-95 You were so out of it your friend checked on you to make sure you were still breathing and next minute you were wandering about hooking up with some man you didn't know very much about?
> 
> That doesn't seem in the slightest bit plausible.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I am not hanging out with her anymore.


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## Snuffy (19 d ago)

Good Luck to you and your Hubby I hope it all works out for the best.
Be Well


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

And std free currently


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Kgs-95 said:


> And std free currently


If you and your husband are both STD free, you should both stay faithful to each other from now on and keep it that way.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

QuestionAssumptions said:


> If you and your husband are both STD free, you should both stay faithful to each other from now on and keep it that way.


Absolutely


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

I’m hoping for the best for you and your husband. What did Creeper message you on Facebook? Did he say anything or give you any more incite, or at least his take, on that night?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

KGS-95, I hope you haven't waivered from your pledge to stay away from drugs.


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## MegaTbone (12 d ago)

Best wishes for you and your husband going forward. Cherish this change to the best wife to him you can be. Many never get the chance.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Great update! I hope everything turns out ok for you 2.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been following the comments and want to thank everyone for trying to help me. I think my marriage will be ok after some time and changes even though this has really messed him up and our relationship. He still loves me and doesn’t hate me thank god. No mention of divorce or separation. It has been a really horrible feeling not being able to recall something so intimate and not give him any answers. It has gotten around some and I have been getting texts asking me what happened. That also sucks. Thinking about moving. He wants me to go to therapy and I will be starting that soon. I have brought up marriage counseling a few times to help us through this and he seems receptive. It can’t hurt and we are going away for a few days soon. My husband has overall handled this great considering the circumstances. We have gotten into a few arguments and we have talked about it more times then I can count. I have just been trying to let him feel his feelings. A lot of hurtful things have been said (of course) but most of the time he is nice to me which always makes me feel worse. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been good for us I think. He is a great person and I have been lucky to be with him. Overall this has been a nightmare though. I think he knows I didn’t set out to cheat on him.
> 
> My husband messaged the other guy on Facebook. I saw the messages, husband wasn’t mean or attacking he just wanted to see what he would say and details. They had a few messages and it turned into a fight unsurprisingly. He got defensive, threw some insults and blocked my husband. I deactivated my Facebook after he messaged me. All of this made husband really mad so he tried to get his number for a while and then calmed down. He did get his number but hasn’t done anything with it so far.
> 
> I talked to my friend who gave me the pill and brought the guy. Not sure what to believe honestly. She said he is very recently divorced or separated, been all over the place but who knows. He had been hanging out with my friend a lot more since then and said he was going through a rough time. He told her that we ran into each other when everyone was asleep and that is how it happened. Friend told my husband how messed up I was and she didn’t think I knew what I was doing. I will never know. She said she has distanced herself from him. We aren’t going to involve police because we think it is a waste of time and will just create more problems. I have just been trying to focus on my marriage, work, and improving my life. Hopefully we can get past this with time. I’m sure we have a lot more to go through and I’m not sure what else to do to help him or us.


That worked out better than I thought, and I'm glad that he is not bringing up divorce. Initially I suggested not telling him, but you know what, I was wrong. I'm glad it's working out. Just stay away from OM under all circumstances. No communication.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Kgs-95 You were so out of it your friend checked on you to make sure you were still breathing and next minute you were wandering about hooking up with some man you didn't know very much about?
> 
> That doesn't seem in the slightest bit plausible.
> 
> ...


100% agree.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I doubt very much that the OM told your husband you were so out of it that you were unable to give consent so how does his side of the story square with yours and how had this affected your husband’s trust in you?

You don’t need telling that you need a major, sustained change in your lifestyle. You dodged a bullet here, you could have died, you could have given your husband a potentially life ending disease. 

TAM is a very harsh place to come to and, fair play to you, you have shown a great deal of courage by sticking it out on here. I think if you show the same degree of fortitude and humility within your marriage then you have a good chance of making it.

Good luck to you both and keep us updated.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Advice....be patient with your husband if it is truly R each of you desire. He will have his good days as you move forward, and he will have those days he triggers when he thinks of you with POSOM, and those days he triggers you will likely be subject to many a verbal tirade. will you be able to handle these triggers?

I speak from experience as a BH. I was brutal at times to my FWW the first six months of R. It is not going to be easy for you. We have made it seven years now, but the first two years was an emotional roller coaster for both of us.

I still have Trust issues to this day. I do not trigger much these days. My last was when I drove down I-65 towards Franklin last month while Christmas shopping and looked at the hotel where she hooked up with AP.

I wish you the best moving forward, but the heavy lifting is up to you. You had better move heaven and earth for your husband.

PS. No more drugs. Nothing good will result. I think now you may realize this.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Looked at the hotel where she hooked up with AP.


You, sir, are a better man than I. This would have me running to the nearest divorce attorney's office.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

@Ksg-95
I am glad that things are turning out better than expected for you.

A few thoughts. find some time each day for some meditation to reflect on the gifts you have been given.

First the drug you took, didn't kill you. Learn from your mistake and be joyful of the life you get to live.

Second, your husband didn't kick you out or immediately divorce you. Be joyful as you are blessed to be in a relationship with a man who loves you so much he is willing to try to work through perhaps one of the most horrible shocks in his life.

Third as horrible at times may be, you will not have to live under the crushing guilt of not telling your husband what happened. I am sure as guilty as you feel, you at least don't have to worry about keeping something a secret for the rest of your life.

Finally, remember that you have a long life ahead of you and you can make changes in yourself to live a better life. You have had a huge wake-up call and survived it. If you have learned from your mistakes in 30 years you will shake your head and think how could you have been so stupid to have done all that risking your life, your marriage and everything. You will look back on hopefully many years of happiness with your husband and count all your blessings.

Good luck to you, and especially good luck to your husband. Marriage counseling is the right thing, You may want some individual counseling as well for yourself. Thank you very much for sharing how it turned out. You were quite brave and responsible in the end.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I’m glad that you and your husband are progressing. This is going to take time for for both of you to heal. Your husband will very likely suffer from mind movies of you being very sexual with this guy. He will also feel like he failed to protect his marriage. Even though it was not his fault, he will still beat himself up for this for YEARS. You too may suffer from mind movies of what you think you did. Some details of the sex may even start to come back to you and will not be pleasant memories. 

Speaking of memories, have you remembered more details. That friend saying she’s mad about this guy, doesn’t in anyway match the depth of what occurred that night. Truly pathetic response from her. As for others asking for info, that will happen. By now , I’m sure everyone from that night knows what happened. Speaking of knowing, does your family know?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been following the comments and want to thank everyone for trying to help me. I think my marriage will be ok after some time and changes even though this has really messed him up and our relationship. He still loves me and doesn’t hate me thank god. No mention of divorce or separation. It has been a really horrible feeling not being able to recall something so intimate and not give him any answers. It has gotten around some and I have been getting texts asking me what happened. That also sucks. Thinking about moving. He wants me to go to therapy and I will be starting that soon. I have brought up marriage counseling a few times to help us through this and he seems receptive. It can’t hurt and we are going away for a few days soon. My husband has overall handled this great considering the circumstances. We have gotten into a few arguments and we have talked about it more times then I can count. I have just been trying to let him feel his feelings. A lot of hurtful things have been said (of course) but most of the time he is nice to me which always makes me feel worse. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been good for us I think. He is a great person and I have been lucky to be with him. Overall this has been a nightmare though. I think he knows I didn’t set out to cheat on him.
> 
> My husband messaged the other guy on Facebook. I saw the messages, husband wasn’t mean or attacking he just wanted to see what he would say and details. They had a few messages and it turned into a fight unsurprisingly. He got defensive, threw some insults and blocked my husband. I deactivated my Facebook after he messaged me. All of this made husband really mad so he tried to get his number for a while and then calmed down. He did get his number but hasn’t done anything with it so far.
> 
> I talked to my friend who gave me the pill and brought the guy. Not sure what to believe honestly. She said he is very recently divorced or separated, been all over the place but who knows. He had been hanging out with my friend a lot more since then and said he was going through a rough time. He told her that we ran into each other when everyone was asleep and that is how it happened. Friend told my husband how messed up I was and she didn’t think I knew what I was doing. I will never know. She said she has distanced herself from him. We aren’t going to involve police because we think it is a waste of time and will just create more problems. I have just been trying to focus on my marriage, work, and improving my life. Hopefully we can get past this with time. I’m sure we have a lot more to go through and I’m not sure what else to do to help him or us.


You can start by cutting out your alcohol and drug use. It may be a trigger for hubby for years to come.


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## paboy (May 27, 2020)

I am less cynical and believe your story. As relayed in your previous thread by one of the posters of their experience, it can happen.

But you do have a lot of work before you. Primarily to save your relationship.

Their will be lots of advice to help YOU going forward but your Partner will need just as much. Successful reconciliation best occurs when both of you are committed to the process. If you can help him towards this, your chance of success will be high.

Best luck moving forward.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Kgs-95
Thanks for coming back with an update. Sounds like things are going about as well as possible considering the circumstances. I truly wish the best for you two. You are obviously a strong woman to weather some of the crap that was posted here and that will see you through this whole ordeal.



Kgs-95 said:


> We have gotten into a few arguments and we have talked about it more times then I can count. I have just been trying to let him feel his feelings.


Just keep listening to him and truthfully answering his questions and for God's sake never tell him "it's time to get over it". This will take a LONG time to work through and for him it will likely never be "over".
Read @No Longer Lonely Husband 's post above and follow it. He's one of the rare few who has worked/working through reconciliation well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I, too, reconciled. But it wasn't easy. 

My wife's AP was, at that time, working as a bus driver. So, every time I saw a bus in the livery of the local bus company, I triggered.

Therapy helped an I no longer have triggers. But it took a long time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Captain Obvious said:


> I’m hoping for the best for you and your husband. What did Creeper message you on Facebook? Did he say anything or give you any more incite, or at least his take, on that night?


I think he might have, as we Brits say, had a bit of an ear bashing from her friend (who probably thought she and he were dating at least to a certain extent?) and he desperately wanted to learn if @Kgs-95 and her husband would be considering reporting him to the police. 

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he hadn't got a history or even a police record for this type of behaviour. The reason why he is separated/divorced. perhaps?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I admire your completely transparent honesty with your husband. Not everyone would have admitted what happened that night. And your husband’s strength during this is something I don’t see everyday when it comes to stories like this.

I wish you and your husband the best!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

rockon said:


> You, sir, are a better man than I. This would have me running to the nearest divorce attorney's office.


Well, through it all, I realized I loved my wife and if she did what was required we could right the ship. Time has proven me correct. OP will have a chance to do likewise if she can do the heavy lifting and her husband can forgive.

R is not for everyone, but in my circumstance, it was the good choice.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

@Kgs-95 
one thing I want to mention…. You should not be arguing with your BH. Sure he may yell. You should not yell back. Honestly I’m not sure what you’d even disagree with. You have no leg to stand on here.

I often tell WS’s, if you truly want reconciliation, be on his side, all the time, at least for the next 6-12-24 months. You want him to heal. When he says something to you about the affair, start your response with the words “you’re right”, every time. He is right. You pulled the trigger, he is feeling the pain. Feel it along side of him.

Be on his side in all of this. Not yours. His side IS your side.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> I’m hoping for the best for you and your husband. What did Creeper message you on Facebook? Did he say anything or give you any more incite, or at least his take, on that night?


He asked why I told my husband and thanked me for dragging him into it, and some names. That is it though, no details.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

Landofblue said:


> @Kgs-95
> one thing I want to mention…. You should not be arguing with your BH. Sure he may yell. You should not yell back. Honestly I’m not sure what you’d even disagree with. You have no leg to stand on here.
> 
> I often tell WS’s, if you truly want reconciliation, be on his side, all the time, at least for the next 6-12-24 months. You want him to heal. When he says something to you about the affair, start your response with the words “you’re right”, every time. He is right. You pulled the trigger, he is feeling the pain. Feel it along side of him.
> ...


No I totally agree. They haven’t really been arguments just him being upset or angry. Not much I can say, I’m just trying to let him feel what he is feeling.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Kgs-95 said:


> He asked why I told my husband and thanked me for dragging him into it, and some names.


 Thanked you for dragging him into it. What a POS that guy is.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> You can start by cutting out your alcohol and drug use. It may be a trigger for hubby for years to come.


Haven’t had alcohol or drugs since and going to stay that way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Captain Obvious said:


> Thanked you for dragging him into it. What a POS that guy is.


He dragged himself into the bed of a comatose woman and... sorry. He's a jerk. A total and utter jerk.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> He dragged himself into the bed of a comatose woman and... sorry. He's a jerk. A total and utter jerk.


Jerk is too nice a word.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Captain Obvious said:


> Jerk is too nice a word.


Common, man! You wanted I should use the more appropriate word I was thinking of? Then I'd have to ban myself! 🤣


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Why are you arguing? This is all you. All. You.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Landofblue said:


> @Kgs-95
> one thing I want to mention…. You should not be arguing with your BH. Sure he may yell. You should not yell back. Honestly I’m not sure what you’d even disagree with. You have no leg to stand on here.
> 
> I often tell WS’s, if you truly want reconciliation, be on his side, all the time, at least for the next 6-12-24 months. You want him to heal. When he says something to you about the affair, start your response with the words “you’re right”, every time. He is right. You pulled the trigger, he is feeling the pain. Feel it along side of him.
> ...


This is spot on. @Kgs-95 the ball is in your court. You must be on his side at all times. I wish I could like this advice x 1000.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> He dragged himself into the bed of a comatose woman and... sorry. He's a jerk. A total and utter jerk.


He needs a good ol' Parris Island ass whoopin'.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

snowbum said:


> Why are you arguing? This is all you. All. You.


Arguing isn’t the right word but I am fully aware it is on me.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Kgs-95 said:


> He asked why I told my husband and *thanked me for dragging him into it*, and some names. That is it though, no details.


 He should actually be telling his little pecker that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kgs-95 said:


> Arguing isn’t the right word but I am fully aware it is on me.


Have you went for STD testing and discussed with hubby that for his safety he should at least refrain from unprotected sex with you for 4-6 months until another test to confirm no HIV, HERPES, HPV OR HEPATITIS.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have you went for STD testing and discussed with hubby that for his safety he should at least refrain from unprotected sex with you for 4-6 months until another test to confirm no HIV, HERPES, HPV OR HEPATITIS.


She's had the test and was negative.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Common, man! You wanted I should use the more appropriate word I was thinking of? Then I'd have to ban myself! 🤣


I know what I call him and I'd do to him, but that would get me a ban on here and a spell in chokey in real life...so I'll just have to daydream. 

Kgs-95
I'm really impressed with the way you handled this once you got your head together...really,really well done. 
I don't know you, but I'm real proud of you.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> She's had the test and was negative.


The diseases he mentioned may not show up in the tests for a few months, which is why he suggested another test in 4-6 months.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kgs-95 said:


> I have been following the comments and want to thank everyone for trying to help me. I think my marriage will be ok after some time and changes even though this has really messed him up and our relationship. He still loves me and doesn’t hate me thank god. No mention of divorce or separation. It has been a really horrible feeling not being able to recall something so intimate and not give him any answers. It has gotten around some and I have been getting texts asking me what happened. That also sucks. Thinking about moving. He wants me to go to therapy and I will be starting that soon. I have brought up marriage counseling a few times to help us through this and he seems receptive. It can’t hurt and we are going away for a few days soon. My husband has overall handled this great considering the circumstances. We have gotten into a few arguments and we have talked about it more times then I can count. I have just been trying to let him feel his feelings. A lot of hurtful things have been said (of course) but most of the time he is nice to me which always makes me feel worse. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been good for us I think. He is a great person and I have been lucky to be with him. Overall this has been a nightmare though. I think he knows I didn’t set out to cheat on him.
> 
> My husband messaged the other guy on Facebook. I saw the messages, husband wasn’t mean or attacking he just wanted to see what he would say and details. They had a few messages and it turned into a fight unsurprisingly. He got defensive, threw some insults and blocked my husband. I deactivated my Facebook after he messaged me. All of this made husband really mad so he tried to get his number for a while and then calmed down. He did get his number but hasn’t done anything with it so far.
> 
> I talked to my friend who gave me the pill and brought the guy. Not sure what to believe honestly. She said he is very recently divorced or separated, been all over the place but who knows. He had been hanging out with my friend a lot more since then and said he was going through a rough time. He told her that we ran into each other when everyone was asleep and that is how it happened. Friend told my husband how messed up I was and she didn’t think I knew what I was doing. I will never know. She said she has distanced herself from him. We aren’t going to involve police because we think it is a waste of time and will just create more problems. I have just been trying to focus on my marriage, work, and improving my life. Hopefully we can get past this with time. I’m sure we have a lot more to go through and I’m not sure what else to do to help him or us.


Great update. I hope you are truly sincere about learning and improving from this. You are one lucky person to have a husband that is willing to try saving the marriage with you. Don't squander it and be very aware that your marriage far from out of the woods on this yet.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> She's had the test and was negative.


The 2nd part is more concerning. Those diseases that do not show up in blood for several months. Condom use recommended till verification can be done at 4-6month mark.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Great update. I hope you are truly sincere about learning and improving from this. You are one lucky person to have a husband that is willing to try saving the marriage with you. Don't squander it and be very aware that your marriage far from out of the woods on this yet.


I am very lucky and he is the best.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> The 2nd part is more concerning. Those diseases that do not show up in blood for several months. Condom use recommended till verification can be done at 4-6month mark.


I am going to go for follow ups


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kgs-95 said:


> I am going to go for follow ups


Condoms until then if y'all have sex?


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Condoms until then if y'all have sex?


That boat sailed a long time ago. I believe she had unprotected sex with her husband for a couple of weeks starting right after the incident (before she told him)?


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Common, man! You wanted I should use the more appropriate word I was thinking of? Then I'd have to ban myself! 🤣


You Brits have a way of words.
You could have called him a John Thomas


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

I have brought it up but he is not going to use them. I agree that ship has sailed.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Kgs-95*

Your chemically induced mis-cue is still ripe in your husbands mind. 
I think you should read about suppressed anger and rage. Lot of stuff on the Internet and also It would be good if he availed himself of a counselor who is familiar with infidelity. I say "familiar" as the anger your husband has to be experiencing is very likely to affect him long term if he cannot "get a handle on it" and the time passed so far is not enough for him to cage that tiger running around in his brain.

What he has to swallow is, in effect, as close to infidelity as one can argue but yet you didn't do on purpose the deed.

He can't shoot you or pillory you.
He can't beat the POS that did you or shoot the POS or do any exposure as that will also name you and you suffer damage.

In short he has been Eff'd over and there is not a thing he can to for evening the score. AKA revenge or what have you. 

So far your relationship is going as you wish - but an abundance of awareness is needed for how your husband is, long term, going to learn to live with, forever, this event that instigated your thread.

-


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> *Kgs-95*
> 
> Your chemically induced mis-cue is still ripe in your husbands mind.
> I think you should read about suppressed anger and rage. Lot of stuff on the Internet and also It would be good if he availed himself of a counselor who is familiar with infidelity. I say "familiar" as the anger your husband has to be experiencing is very likely to affect him long term if he cannot "get a handle on it" and the time passed so far is not enough for him to cage that tiger running around in his brain.
> ...


I know it isn’t going to be easy and a long road. I can’t really imagine what he is feeling but I am really hoping with time and counseling we can get through it.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> He dragged himself into the bed of a comatose woman and... sorry. He's a jerk. A total and utter jerk.


No person on this forum knows this. This is not a fact. 
This is not objective advice.
The only objective advice I can honestly give the OP is to not drink or drug. Seek therapy, both individual and marital.
If you struggle with alcohol and/or drug addiction there are many resources.








SAMHSA’s National Helpline | SAMHSA - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration


Frequently Asked Questions - What is SAMHSA's National Helpline?




www.samhsa.gov




There are so many anonymous organizations at the fingertips of google, where ever you are located, OP.
There are also many support groups for rape.

No person on this forum knows what happened that night. No person can either absolve or condemn you. Nor should we.
This journey is between yourself. and your husband/family.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

POS thanked you for dragging him into this situation?! tell him he needs to work on his ZERO % awareness skills.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kgs-95 said:


> I have brought it up but he is not going to use them. I agree that ship has sailed.


Not exactly, knew of guy that continued to have unprotected sex with GF in between breakout times but he finally contracted herpes also. But it was not for several months. You could still be infected and hubby not yet.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Maybe I missed it. What exactly did he tell your husband ?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Did he say you were passed out and he raped you?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

snowbum said:


> Did he say you were passed out and he raped you?


I'd say nobody is that stupid but I'd be wrong. The bar is pretty low these days.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'd say nobody is that stupid but I'd be wrong. The bar is pretty low these days.


Yeah. Bet the guy wears an N95 24/7.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Be patient. This will be a rollercoaster. At about year two, many guys decide they cannot live with it.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I need to go back and re-read. But, I thought she gave the odds differently, actually the reverse of the above.
Regardless, I agree with most of the above, particularly the choice her husband has between suspending disbelief and abandoning logic. This may eat at him forever.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Megaforce said:


> I need to go back and re-read. But, I thought she gave the odds differently, actually the reverse of the above.
> Regardless, I agree with most of the above, particularly the choice her husband has between suspending disbelief and abandoning logic. This may eat at him forever.


Yes. Odd that @HeedTheCreed's take is almost 100% opposite to what I, and you, from what you say, read in @Kgs-95 's original posts.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

I don’t believe I was unconscious. I do think I was extremely messed up and he came in my room. I probably was responsive in some way. I’m just not sure what else to say on here to make it clear that I have not cried rape and I know my actions lead to these things. I have said it about 100 times. Being blacked out while drinking and taking drugs is incredibly common so I’m not sure what you are talking about. I did not have communication with the guy I had sex with after it happened.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Kgs-95 said:


> He asked why I told my husband and thanked me for dragging him into it, and some names. That is it though, no details.


POS creep confirmed 100%.

I sincerely hope he receives "correction" soon for his ways.

If anyone needs to move, it's him.

Your friend group should be made aware of him.

It might not be able to be proven that he is a straight up predator but there's definitely enough proof he has bad intentions and character.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Kgs-95 said:


> Being blacked out while drinking and taking drugs is incredibly common so I’m not sure what you are talking about.


To expand upon this, psychologically speaking, it's entirely possible to be reasonably aware to an outside observer and be impaired enough that short term memory cannot convert to long term.

This, it seems like you were blacked out/unconscious to you, but in reality, you weren't passed out.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> She's had the test and was negative.


And it was too soon to test for some of those. She doesn't know that she/they are clear.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm 70, so back in the sixties, although I was never into drugs, I personally saw people having sex after they taking all kind of **** drugs. The girls and the guys were so out of their mind. You would see them, and you would not think that they were not knowing what they were doing. Needless to say, in the wee hours after the "party" there always were some of these girls, crying, because they found themselves naked, with a dude next to them and they haven't a clue what happened to them. But I Clearly recall them going at it with a lot of impetus, clearly these girls were now in distress, because they couldn't remember much.

That was the sixties, I was late teens. Those things I saw made me not get involved with drugs, because I even knew of guys getting in it with other guys, because they were so out of their mind, needless to say, a lot of young people scarred for life due to drugs.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Gotta fly the BS flag on this one. Being "so drunk other people think I'm conscious but I have no control over my actions" (fugue state) is EXTREMELY rare.


It's really not. With alcohol alone, sure, but adding other drugs - not rare at all.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

HeedTheCreed said:


> " . . . is incredibly common . . . "
> 
> Gotta fly the BS flag on this one. Being "so drunk other people think I'm conscious but I have no control over my actions" (fugue state) is EXTREMELY rare.
> 
> ...


LoL!

Dude, this has all been ran through about a dozen times and your pretty inaccurate.

We have some first hand experiences that align with hers and your basically just saying everyone is lying and wrong and you know better.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

HeedTheCreed said:


> People who have suffered through what you have/are suffering from NEED HELP.
> 
> PLEASE seek professional counseling to recover your memories. Quickly. The "butcher's bill" is getting higher with every day that passes. The first two weeks were bad enough . . .


I'm thinking you might need some help?


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

I don’t know what fugue state is but memory loss is common when drinking heavily and especially when drugs are added in (blackout) even alcohol alone
I do not think I was totally unconscious. The guy would have to be an absolute psycho but I don’t think I was in any shape to give any real consent either. I can only guess though. I got blackout drunk maybe 10 times when I was much younger. Didn’t remember anything past a certain point and learned I didn’t want to do that because it wasn’t fun. This is the first time it has happened since then. If you are drinking and keep drinking you will blackout eventually.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Zedd yeah but since she waited 2 weeks . . . nobody has ANY idea what drug she took or how much she took.
> 
> So her "slow walking" this whole thing effectively created a "perfect storm" of "plausible deniability."
> 
> ...


The drug and the amount have already been covered. This is the update thread not the original.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm about ready to do drugs....😵‍💫


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Gotta fly the BS flag on this one. Being "so drunk other people think I'm conscious but I have no control over my actions" (fugue state) is EXTREMELY rare.



I think that thou shall not speak that which he/she does not know.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

It was a mistake to not deal with it immediately


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Lab results or . . . ? Are you beginning to see what I mean?
> 
> Her friend told her after the fact what SHE THOUGHT the drug was. We covered the uncertainty over the drug in the first thread and then assumed a "street drug purchased from ??? was actually what they thought it was."
> 
> ...


t


HeedTheCreed said:


> Lab results or . . . ? Are you beginning to see what I mean?
> 
> Her friend told her after the fact what SHE THOUGHT the drug was. We covered the uncertainty over the drug in the first thread and then assumed a "street drug purchased from ??? was actually what they thought it was."
> 
> ...


You should change your name to Hindsight 2020.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Her actions in the aftermath- especially her discussing things with her friends (I have to go back and re-check the facebook issue) and potentially the sexual partner (one time response to his facebook invite?) pretty much gave everyone a "heads up" and allowed them to coordinate their stories.
> 
> Again, not just trying to play "Devil's Advocate" just trying to outline some of the issues/questions the Betrayed Spouse (remember him?) would NATURALLY be thinking.
> 
> Look I grew up in the 1960s too. I have no idea if I ever actually made it to Woodstock or not (my beetle got stuck in the mud on the way there. I think.) so yeah i get the whole "I drank so much I don't remember what I did" thing (the 12%) but at NO TIME DID ANYONE AROUND ME THINK FOR A SECOND I WAS SOBER.


There is no way anyone thought I was sober


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HeedTheCreed said:


> " . . . is incredibly common . . . "
> 
> Gotta fly the BS flag on this one. Being "so drunk other people think I'm conscious but I have no control over my actions" (fugue state) is EXTREMELY rare.
> 
> ...


Interesting that you suddenly find this thread on TAM and have an awful lot to say on the case of @Kgs-95, her husband her dangerous amateur drug dealing "friend" and the man who she woke up with.

But you don't have a horse in this race. Or do you? I don't believe in coincidences.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Please seek therapy to recover your memories. FWIW (and I did expect my negative "ratio" here) you will- like most people- begin remembering things. Random bits and pieces. That initially won't make sense. And you are more than likely already beginning to experience glimpses/flashes of things that you might not know are real or just false memories.


No she won't. This isnt memory blocked/suppressed via trauma, it's failure to turn STM to LTM. It's gone.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Fair enough. As a university professor my research area was "behavioral science applied to decision-making with safety outcomes." Pretty much "why people make decisions that result in dangerous consequences."
> 
> I am familiar with the whole "blackout drunk" scenario and the difficulties in trying to pin down just how believable it is. It's VERY difficult research and the results are "sketchy" at best. ESPECIALLY when the individual making the claim has a lot to GAIN by people just accepting vs. challenging the claim.
> 
> ...


I am just confused here. Alcohol is well known to cause memory loss. I’m not sure you need an academic study to prove it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Agree 100%.
> 
> While most of my reading is in the academic literature ("science" and all that) a few minutes in the googleverse will tighten us all up in short order!


Listen dude, I 'm a scientist myself, so that's that. Having said that, I detest with a passion a lot of academia bookworms, that gather, data, but never worked a day in their life in their field. There's so many of those. 

I personslly have dealt with some of them, just as I, personally have seen people in my presence drink alcohol, mixed it with drugs, do all kind of aberrant behavior, get so high-up sexually, having a few dudes do them, and in the end after they passed out, and then wake up, they are crying because they can't remember **** of what they did. 

And it wasn't, just one time I saw that happened live, while it was happening and the aftermath.

Just remember, books is not the same as being there to see it.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

HeedTheCreed said:


> Lab results or . . . ? Are you beginning to see what I mean?
> 
> Her friend told her after the fact what SHE THOUGHT the drug was. We covered the uncertainty over the drug in the first thread and then assumed a "street drug purchased from ??? was actually what they thought it was."
> 
> ...


Not really, assuming it had been metabolized or drug testing was unavailable. How do you think reporting it sooner would have promoted accurate info on the amount t of alcohol consumed, the nature of the drug, or its exact dosage.
Most folks do not have immediate access to sophisticated drug and alcohol testing.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Kgs-95 said:


> I don’t believe I was unconscious. I do think I was extremely messed up and he came in my room. I did not have communication with the guy I had sex with after it happened.


Unfortunately, when you were conscious and thinking, you didn’t immediately rebuff (block) this guy’s advanced on FB to you. There was no “recoil in horror” moment until later on. It seems to have taken a while to truly recognize the magnitude of your mistake and work to change.

Make sure your therapist understands this, because sooner or later, it might come to your husband. The possibility that there’s a small part of you that this brought out that might still be there. Fertile ground for mind games.

Most here are concerned it took you a while to come clean to your husband. For me, the lack of instantly-horrified response to him reaching out to you afterward would be my biggest issue.


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## Kgs-95 (17 d ago)

It took me a couple of days to really accept the magnitude of what I did and what it meant. He tried to add me in FB and I did nothing with the request, we didn’t talk until everything came out and my husband talked to him. We were not in communication. I should have told my husband immediately and the only reason I didn’t was because I was terrified, I was always going to tell him. It took me a while to gather the courage and it was a mistake. We are going to go to therapy.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I really don't care about a woman being incapacitated by her own choice.

Your husband would be a saint to stay with you. I'm no saint, I'd give you to the drugs and other man as per the choices you made.


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