# Did I dodge the worst?



## creek0wl (Apr 13, 2011)

I've been reading some of the great info on the site for a while and I love how insightful most of the users are. Since this is my first post, I'd like to first start by saying hello. 
To go through the background...I'll try to be brief but you know how that goes. He and I met and immediately began dating quite intensely....we had a surprise pregnancy very early on in the relationship. Using what I thought was logic; I decided we had better slow down and not rush into getting married… But the whole nesting thing took over. We got married, and even though it was bumpy, we figured things out. We even had a second child 4 years later. He works out of town for weeks at a time, and then is only home for a few weeks at a time before going back to work. (This was an improvement over his previous schedule…working out of town for 4 months at a time, and being home for 2 months.) Also, he is bi-polar and is a “functioning alcoholic”. Those issues aside, he is still a good person and a decent father to our 2 children. 
Through this relationship, I have come to realize that I am majorly co-dependent, and am not happy unless I am trying to FIX someone. I also have issues with self-esteem, and self-confidence. Eventually though, the two of our issues combined have become too much for me to handle, and I began emotionally checking out, which caused him to become resentful. To put it plainly, we are both miserable being together. I brought up the idea of him moving out, and he basically said that even though he didn’t want it to be so, that he thought it may be the best thing for us to do. At the time, I phrased it as a temporary separation in order to give ourselves space and time to work on improving ourselves. When we told the children (ages 10 and 6), they were not fazed in the slightest. The only thing I can attribute this to is the fact that they are used to him being gone on a routine basis, along with the fact that we told them together, and made sure to emphasize that they would still see their dad quite often when he was home. 
Once he moved out, it hit me pretty hard the first couple of days. But, then, it’s like someone flipped a switch. I realize in my mind, I’m completely done, I have no wish to make things work, and there is hardly any sadness over it. I do not want to hurt him, but at the same time, I do not want to be with him. I did tell him as tactfully as I could that I felt like something between us was broken, and unable to be fixed. I feel like I have been released from some sort of confinement after years of oppression. (Mind you, I *never* really thought I was all that ‘oppressed’…?) 
People keep telling me that it’ll hit me, and they’ll be here for me when it does…. But the thing is, it almost feels like my mind is over the whole thing and I’m ready to move on. I feel confident and hopeful again. 
There is one thing lingering in the back of my mind though. What if there is another shoe that is going to drop? Am I just in denial? Is it really so easy to deal with the breakup of an 11 year marriage, regardless of how unconventional it was? Is the fact that I began detaching emotionally what is making this so much easier for me to bear? OR is the worst yet to come? Will there be another HORRIFIC wave of despair?


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