# What can I do???



## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

This is my first post but here it goes. My wife has an extremely low sex drive. If I do not initiate then it never happens. She has not initiated at all in the last 4 years. We do have three children and I know that stress and being tired plays into our life as well. Lately things have gotten worse and we haven't done anything in the last 6 weeks. I have tried but she has just had no interest. I have tried taking house workload off her and it hasn't helped and have tried being more romantic and it hasn't helped. On top of the fact that it has been 6wks since the last time she has basically wanted quickies the last several times. I like to take my time and make everything as good as possible for us both and she just hasn't seemed into it. I am 34 and she is 31 and I just don't get what is going on here. We used to have sex regularly and I have talked to her about it but she just says that we have plenty. I am out of ideas of anything I can do to make things better.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I am sure the guys will give you a lot of great advise on this. But I have a question for you...you say you have talked to her and she says you have plenty...no sex in 6 weeks is plenty??!! When did "I am not interested" become an acceptible answer to a request for intimacy? When did ignoring your partners sexual NEEDS become ok? When did being house mates become the norm? The point I am making is you gradually slide into this state....you have to set ground rules in any relationship and stick to them. You need to have a serious conversation with her and set some expectations and boundaries for acceptible behavior. I would get some facts and data explaining that sex is a NEED for a man not a nice to have and explain that ignoring that need leads to bad things (affairs...porn dependence. ..divorse). Have the conversation in a loving but firm manner. Then set the boundaries...sex 3 times a week for example...if she is not interested then a bj or hj can be done. Most important no matter what you two decide is that you set some ground rules and exoectations and stick to them hold each other accountable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

JosephLH said:


> This is my first post but here it goes. My wife has an extremely low sex drive. If I do not initiate then it never happens. She has not initiated at all in the last 4 years. We do have three children and I know that stress and being tired plays into our life as well. Lately things have gotten worse and we haven't done anything in the last 6 weeks. I have tried but she has just had no interest. I have tried taking house workload off her and it hasn't helped and have tried being more romantic and it hasn't helped. On top of the fact that it has been 6wks since the last time she has basically wanted quickies the last several times. I like to take my time and make everything as good as possible for us both and she just hasn't seemed into it. I am 34 and she is 31 and I just don't get what is going on here. We used to have sex regularly and I have talked to her about it but she just says that we have plenty. I am out of ideas of anything I can do to make things better.


Just start getting off to porn more often. Totally get into it. Then make sure she catches you in the act. Then when she throws your a$$ out of the house because you refuse to go to counseling, move in with your parents. She can't believe you would want to look at all of that disgusting, vulgar stuff and desire all of those naked ho's over her, so after a short spat you will be scot-free! Oh, wait... you will need to pay her alimony and child support (she will be granted full custody because you are a sex addict) -- but the upside is you can then shack up with a horny girl in her 20's with mondo tits who will blow your mind sexually and desires to get you off 10 times a week and for you to get her off more than that!

Isn't this the usual route?:lol:

Oh, wait... I would follow the advice of the poster who answered you first. But if it doesn't work, this is your back up plan, dude!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

JosephLH said:


> This is my first post but here it goes. My wife has an extremely low sex drive. If I do not initiate then it never happens. She has not initiated at all in the last 4 years. We do have three children and I know that stress and being tired plays into our life as well. Lately things have gotten worse and we haven't done anything in the last 6 weeks. I have tried but she has just had no interest. I have tried taking house workload off her and it hasn't helped and have tried being more romantic and it hasn't helped. On top of the fact that it has been 6wks since the last time she has basically wanted quickies the last several times. I like to take my time and make everything as good as possible for us both and she just hasn't seemed into it. I am 34 and she is 31 and I just don't get what is going on here. We used to have sex regularly and I have talked to her about it but she just says that we have plenty. I am out of ideas of anything I can do to make things better.


I don't think you should bargain for sex. Do nice things or help her because you want to but it's not payment for affection.

Second thing, if you want sex 1-2 per week or whatever then tell her that's how often you want it and then initiate that often. If she's unwilling to have sex with you more often than a few times month then you'd be justified in separating but it's always a choice to stay in a bad marriage.

If she wants a quickie then fine. So long as it's good for you. Why is this? because she will enjoy it more when you don't put pressure for it to be mind blowing every time. If she wants more foreplay or more oral or whatever on occasion then she's a big girl and she can let you know.

Lastly you said she doesn't seem in to you. That Jo is the root of the problem. More likely that she doesn't respect you. I'm not sure a good marriage is possible without respect. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and see if you're contributing to her lack of respect in some of the very common ways that guys do.
Google search and you'll find a pdf.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

JosephLH said:


> This is my first post but here it goes. My wife has an extremely low sex drive. If I do not initiate then it never happens. She has not initiated at all in the last 4 years. We do have three children and I know that stress and being tired plays into our life as well. Lately things have gotten worse and we haven't done anything in the last 6 weeks. I have tried but she has just had no interest. I have tried taking house workload off her and it hasn't helped and have tried being more romantic and it hasn't helped. On top of the fact that it has been 6wks since the last time she has basically wanted quickies the last several times. I like to take my time and make everything as good as possible for us both and she just hasn't seemed into it. I am 34 and she is 31 and I just don't get what is going on here. We used to have sex regularly and I have talked to her about it but she just says that we have plenty. I am out of ideas of anything I can do to make things better.



After having three kids, her hormones will not be the same and she more than likely will have to see the Dr. and get meds to get her sex drive back to normal.

Raising three kids is a full time job in itself and will drain and stress her out.

You both are in your prime, so age isn't an issue.

Give her oral "with a small vib at the same time" to orgasm first. Then see how receptive she will be for sex.

Hire a baby sitter and go away for the evening. Or have some close friends or family stay for the weekend and you guys go to a hotel for the weekend and have a sex fest.

If before she had the kids, her sex drive was normal to HD, then having the kids altered her hormones. If her sex drive was LD before having the kids, then she is just a LD woman.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

Act fast in whatever you do because you will wake up in your mid forties and your next thread on here will be, no sex with the wife in 10 years, no hugs, no kissing no emotion ,, It truly sucks brother,, good luck,


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wow, I feel you. No sex or anything in 10 years???? 

Has she ever gone to the Dr. and got her hormones checked? Meds required?

Do you have many kids as well?

Was she like this before the kids or always LD from day one?

Was she raised conservative and is a shy woman?

It is a woman's responsibility to take care of her man's needs in the bedroom and same for a man taking care of his woman's needs. If either don't do this, and don't make an effort, they really don't deserve their SO in the first place, not cool.


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## Nicodemus (Apr 21, 2013)

JosephLH said:


> I am out of ideas of anything I can do to make things better.


There are a few things that you need to recognize, and the quicker you *do* recognize these things, the better are your chances of actually making a positive change:

(1) Sexual problems in a marriage are almost always akin to a "canary in a coal mine" --> sex is generally the first thing to die when there are other, deeper, underlying problems in the marriage. As such, the chances are high that you don't just have a sexual frequency problem in your marriage, you have a major marital problem in general.

(2) At least 50% of the problem(s) in your marriage are of YOUR making, your own 'fault': meaning that you cannot place all of the blame on your spouse (as we are often wont to do). You need to readily accept responsibility for your part in creating the situation, and seek to find answers and solutions for that part. IOW, own your own half of the equation.

(3) The only person you can change in your marriage is YOURSELF. You cannot, cannot, **cannot** change your spouse --> only THEY can do that. Begging, pleading, cajoling, shaming, hoping, extorting, coercing, or other manipulations WILL NOT WORK, and represent the proverbial 'cheese-less tunnel'. Only **your spouse** can initiate a change in his/her own behavior, and they will only do so if they see a definite benefit **for themselves** and if they actually want to make said changes. As such, the behavioral changes that you should focus on are YOURS and yours alone, and **regardless** of anything that your spouse does or does not do.


Given (1) and (2) above, I would recommend getting both yourself and your spouse into marriage / couple's counseling as early as possible. The longer you let things slide, the more engrained and entrenched and long-term resentful everyone becomes, the harder it becomes to actually make behavioral changes and solve your marital problems (as opposed to just giving up and divorcing). So, get thee into counseling.

Given (3) above, I would also recommend reading and studying David Schnarch's "Intimacy and Desire" book. It will address your immediate complaint (lack of desire/intimacy in your marriage) in the most concise and helpful way of the several books that I know of in this area. If you're serious about "fixing" this issue, then you need to start educating yourself on what the "pros" curently know about it (which is still rather sketchy, but slowing getting better).

-- N.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Being a HD guy in a LD marriage, I can say this.

I have read the e-books recommended here.

I have been more alpha male.

I do take care of myself and am in great shape.

I do a lot of the chores without being asked, a little bit after work every day so they never pile up.

I do randomly surprise my wifee with cards and flowers before she gets up for work.

I do randomly have dinner ordered in before she gets home from work (I get home a little earlier than she does).

I do cuddle with her a lot on the couch, to the point she doesn't want anymore and pushes me away.

I am no push over and put her in her place if she starts getting out of control, but without being a jerk.

My wifee is LD, doing all these things I have learned on TAM (thanks to everyone) hasn't really made a big change in her sex drive.

What I've learned is a LD person will stay LD unless they want to change and nothing else will do this. Just the way it is. I've done my 50+ %, and on her part......its just the way she is.


And I've read many posts were the ladies are HD and their hubbies are LD. They put up with and do crazy sexy things to try and get their men in the mood, but it doesn't work......

I've noticed that many LD individuals don't make the 50% effort like the HD individuals do and in the end, the sex trickles down to the LD person anyway......and you get many posts here.


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> After having three kids, her hormones will not be the same and she more than likely will have to see the Dr. and get meds to get her sex drive back to normal.
> 
> Raising three kids is a full time job in itself and will drain and stress her out.
> 
> ...


I have thought about a problem with hormones and brought it up about being checked. She isn't receptive to that idea at all. He mom had breast cancer and any type or hormone replacement if that was needed is out of the question for her because of fear with cancer risks. I work third shift as well so the normal night routine is not possible but I have tried many mornings and in the late evenings to get her in the mood. She does not like what she calls "day time sex". Most of that is due to how she views her body as looking. I have told her time and time again that I look at her as beautiful but she doesn't see herself this way so that is a problem as well.


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I don't think you should bargain for sex. Do nice things or help her because you want to but it's not payment for affection.
> 
> Second thing, if you want sex 1-2 per week or whatever then tell her that's how often you want it and then initiate that often. If she's unwilling to have sex with you more often than a few times month then you'd be justified in separating but it's always a choice to stay in a bad marriage.
> 
> ...


Don't get me wrong I am fine with having the spontaneous quickie with my wife but I don't want that to be an every time thing like it has been lately. I have tried to get her to tell me more of what she wants but she just tells me I should be more in tune with her and basically feel what she wants and make a move then. I am no mind reader and after getting repeatedly shot down in advances it gets you to a point you just decide to lay off trying. I have tried to be more affectionate through the day when I am with her to hopefully get her to make an occasional move to initiate sex or at least not shoot my advances down. So far it is still a one way street in initiating things.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Getbusylivin said:


> Act fast in whatever you do because you will wake up in your mid forties and your next thread on here will be, no sex with the wife in 10 years, no hugs, no kissing no emotion ,, It truly sucks brother,, good luck,


Sad but true.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Perhaps she is dealing with depression. Has that been ruled out?


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

827Aug said:


> Perhaps she is dealing with depression. Has that been ruled out?


She has been on depression meds before. From time to time she does have to go on them and she stays on them for a little while but won't keep taking them like she should.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why do you go to work? Probably for money. If you were a lousy worker, how would your boss motivate you? Would he beg or do your work for you? Sulk? He'd probably give you days off without pay, write you up, demote you, or otherwise threaten what you value (money/security). 
Your wife gets something out of the marriage. If you want her to step up, figure out what she values from you and link that to her sexual/intimate performance. Being more romantic and doing more household chores rewards poor performance and that's counterproductive.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Has her body changed a lot? Has she gained weight? 
Does she have orgasms? 
Do you have fights about anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

My wife does have an issue with her looks, but she doesn't exercise and she shoves those cigarettes down her throat regularly, so it is her own fault, I tell her if she would devote a fraction of the time to us and our marriage as she does with cigarettes, we would be way better off, So I created my own addiction, playing golf with my buddies and when she *****es about that my response is hey I have just as much right to feed my addiction as you have to feed yours. It pisses her off but it hasn't changed anything except my golf game is getting better..


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wow and you wonder why she isn't attracted to you?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

It's really hard to judge a particular relationship by what you read online, but I feel like a lot of the things I see men say here about women are off base...or feel that way to me anyway. 

Personally, I would guess one of two things. 
1. She does not find you sexy. 
2. (And this is more likely) She doesn't find herself sexy.

You know the phrase 'use it or lose it'? She's had 3 kids. She's probably tired, feels yucky, does not have the time or energy to think about sex on a regular basis and this becomes a cycle. Then the kids are asleep and suddenly she's supposed to become this sexy vixen...that's so hard. 

What happens if you go away on vacation? I would suggest that your wife needs to give herself more opportunities to feel sexual. Read some erotica. Find something sexy to wear that makes her feel good. Have some wine, weed....something to make her stop overthinking about how she doesn't like her body and stop the intrusive thoughts from coming in. But your wife has to be be open to this, and she may not be because she's in a pattern that's hard to get out of.

If it were me I would find someone to watch the kids and go away somewhere warm for a few days. Pack her a few bodice rippers and let her spend a few hours poolside reading them. And then see what happens...if going away is not an option, do as close as possible....


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yea I agree with diwali123 and Lionlady. You guys don't seem to even like each other enough to try. You'll both have to take off the victim blinders long enough to make a shared effort or it's just a waist of time.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lionlady said:


> It's really hard to judge a particular relationship by what you read online, but I feel like a lot of the things I see men say here about women are off base...or feel that way to me anyway.
> 
> Personally, I would guess one of two things.
> 1. She does not find you sexy.
> ...


:rofl::rofl::rofl::lol:


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl::lol:


I'm totally serious. It can be an excellent aphrodisiac for many people and can lower your inhibitions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

You have a valid point, the only time we had sex was in a hotel room,, away from home and kids,, but I am old fashion and if I am paying a mortgage I should be able to function under my roof,,


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

Lionlady said:


> It's really hard to judge a particular relationship by what you read online, but I feel like a lot of the things I see men say here about women are off base...or feel that way to me anyway.
> 
> Personally, I would guess one of two things.
> 1. She does not find you sexy.
> ...


I have tried talking to her and she says she doesn't ever initiate sex because she doesn't feel like she looks good. I have told her that I think she looks just as sexy as she ever has. Yes there have been some body changes over the years. Without a doubt three kids will cause some changes but I still feel the same about her. Most of the time when we do get to go on vacation, just us two, we still don't have much sex. Most of that time is spent just resting. We still are affectionate but nothing much changes. I know ultimately how she feels is up to her and she has had some issues with depression. Even though it is up to her I work as much as I know how to get her to feel good about herself. As far as night time sex that isn't possible because I work 3 shift and get home around 8 in the morning. She doesn't like having sex in the day because she doesn't feel good about her body.


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Has her body changed a lot? Has she gained weight?
> Does she have orgasms?
> Do you have fights about anything?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has gained some weight since we have been married and that has caused her to feel bad about herself. She has asked me to help her lose some and we have been doing some exercise together and changed our eating ha bits. We really don't fight about much of anything. Of course there is the occasional disagreement as with any marriage but we get along well. pretty much every time we have sex she orgasms. Most of the time even when sex is a quickie she orgasms. She does have some stress about her job situation. She hasn't worked in the last 8 years and is wanting to get back out there to help with some of our payments and is having a hard time finding a job. She used to be a nurse but hated it and doesn't want to go back. She has said she doesn't feel like she is contributing enough financially. I have told her before that I make enough to pay for everything we have and she doesn't have to feel pressured to work and if she finds a job she wants to take later on then take it. I make enough to pay for what we have we just don't have extra for much saving and I think she does feel bad about that too.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Nicodemus said:


> There are a few things that you need to recognize, and the quicker you *do* recognize these things, the better are your chances of actually making a positive change:
> 
> (1) Sexual problems in a marriage are almost always akin to a "canary in a coal mine" --> sex is generally the first thing to die when there are other, deeper, underlying problems in the marriage. As such, the chances are high that you don't just have a sexual frequency problem in your marriage, you have a major marital problem in general.
> 
> ...


I beg to differ... you can GUIDE you spouse back to a sexual marriage mindset. Through your own efforts and non acceptance of the unacceptable situation you live in daily.

Counseling *is not* the answer... Time, patience, communication and understanding is. It is between you and your spouse...a third party WILL MAKE IT WORSE.

It is simply a balancing act and a mindset change.. and holding your spouse accountable for their statements and actions.
Not a quick fix by any means but over time it works and is permanent.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

The thing is that it doesn't really matter how you feel about her body. It matters how she feels about it and how she sees herself.

It's kind of impossible to really know what's going on in her mind, but I just know that I've been through periods in my life when I was lower drive and periods where I was higher drive. I think those differences were affected by hormones (I'm more interested in sex near ovulation and birth control pills completely made me lose my sex drive.). They were also affected by how I felt about myself. I also feel like the more I think about sex and do sexy things and read sexy books, the more I want sex. 

Birth control is definitely something to think about. They mess with many women's sex drives. 

I'd think that if she would look at more things that would make her think about sex, she would want more sex. But you can't make someone do that.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lionlady said:


> The thing is that it doesn't really matter how you feel about her body. It matters how she feels about it and how she sees herself.
> 
> It's kind of impossible to really know what's going on in her mind, but I...


That's a good point (for me to ponder, in my situation), and I do give it some thought. Certainly, my wife has told me she doesn't feel sexy or beautiful for various reasons. But, honestly, I don't know if I believe her -- that she is telling me something she honestly feels. 

For one, she truly is beautiful to me and given the chance, well, I think it should be apparent to her how incredibly attractive her body and mind and spirit is to me. (I suppose I'm no great lover in many ways, but, my enthusiasm for her pleasure (and mine) has never ever been lacking.)

For another, she seems to very easily come up with reasons to avoid intimacy (sexual or non-sexual) -- things like, "I don't want to kiss you because I have bad breath", followed up by a very obvious annoyance at the suggestion she freshen up and come back. Or, dozens of similar things to avoid me.

So, while I see it is possible, maybe even likely, that feelings of not being attractive or sexy might really exist in my wife. I'm leaning towards it being a "convenient" and "blame-avoiding" excuse -- one that, though said to me, she is really trying to make herself believe in order to avoid the uncomfortableness of learning what is really going on inside of her.

Lionlady, I don't mean to imply anything about your situation! OP, same goes for you.


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

I do understand that there is nothing I can do to change how she feels about herself but I still feel it is very important to let her know that I still find her beautiful. She told m today that she has been feeling very anxious lately and is going to the doctor tomorrow to get some help there. I hope it does help her but I am not optimistic. She has had this problem before as well and is prescribed Xanax. It does help her alot after a just a couple of weeks usually but it doesn't change our intimacy any. I also have read several different posts about basically threatening divorce and I have considered bringing up separating for a little while. my problem with this, besides my children, is that if things got better I am afraid it would constantly be in the back of my mind that she is just having sex with me to avoid divorce and not because she wants to. I definitely don't want her to feel obligated just because of the possibility I may leave her.


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Joe when you have sex, let her do what she needs to do to feel comfortable about her body. If she wants it dark, try candles that give very low light.
> 
> If she wants to hide certain parts let her. Dont complain or urge her to expose herself.
> 
> ...


Most of the time when we do have sex it is at night and I am more than happy to go for that if it makes her more comfortable. I try to initiate more in the day time because of the shift work I do. Since I work at night there isn't much time in the evenings for us to get away from the kids. Not during the week anyway and I work a lot of weekends too so that doesn't help. I do try everything to avoid anything that might make her uncomfortable. We have talked about how she feels about herself and what bothers her. I am still hoping we can turn some things around and get back where we used to be. She has asked for more affection and I have been doing my absolute best to give her that and I do enjoy doing those things as well. I am not pressuring her for sex and have not asked specifically for it in a couple of weeks. I have tried initiating but to no avail. I am going to back off and not initiate or mention it again for a little while and see what happens. Hopefully she will be more interested in initiating after me not bringing it up for a little while.


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## JosephLH (Apr 18, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Joe it sounds like you two do not spend enough time together just talking and relaxing. This may be a problem. Can you carve out some time to just be together and talk about your day and life in general?
> 
> As far as non-sexual affection - my husband finds it hard to be affectionate when we are alone and not becoming aroused. It is of course uncomfortable.
> 
> However, I need non sexual touch and affection. We reached a compromise, we are affectionate when there is no possibility of sex. While the kids are awake and running around, while we are out and about ect.


This weekend was my wife's birthday and we got a sitter. We were able to go out to a movie and have a good time. It was a great weekend. We talked about what has been going on and she says she feels a lot of stress from not sleeping well and the kids have been causing some stress for her too. She still has a body image problem and is wanting to lose some weight and I told her I would help as much as I could with that. She also told me that she feels like every time I try to be affectionate with her that I want it to lead to sex and I told her that was not true. I told her I need to be able to hug, kiss, and hold her just as much as being intimate with her. I am hoping that would we have started moving in the right direction but I also know it will take time.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JosephLH said:


> Don't get me wrong I am fine with having the spontaneous quickie with my wife but I don't want that to be an every time thing like it has been lately. I have tried to get her to tell me more of what she wants but she just tells me I should be more in tune with her and basically feel what she wants and make a move then. I am no mind reader and after getting repeatedly shot down in advances it gets you to a point you just decide to lay off trying. I have tried to be more affectionate through the day when I am with her to hopefully get her to make an occasional move to initiate sex or at least not shoot my advances down. So far it is still a one way street in initiating things.


Why does the rejection hurt us and why over time does it diminish our self view? How can we make it not hurt us or diminish our self view?

Not want it?

Ok, so you don't want it, so you don't "lose" and you look up four years later and you aren't getting it and the LD is happy go lucky about the arangement, could do it for 20 years straight.

You on the other hand have to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life out.


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