# The Big Bang Theory of Infidelity



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Among other things, I am an amateur astronomer. I've studied stars ever since I can remember and have always been a fan of cosmology. Not cosmetology cuz that's doing hair. Cosmology is the study of the universe. Long ago, I learned a term when researching the Big Bang Theory. See, the Big Bang Theory is still just that - a theory. Why? Because even though we can measure the red shift of galaxies moving away from the center of the universe, we haven't been able to reverse the time mathematically all the way TO the Big Bang.

This is called Planck Time and it measures at 10 to the negative 43 seconds. 

Every single mind that is so above the norm in mathematics cannot go beyond quantum physics as math breaks down past Planck Time.

Tonight, Regret and I had some really difficult stuff we were talking about on our nightly discussion of her affair. After 2 hours of talk we ended. We both had shed some tears and came to some good realizations. But. It wasn't until I looked at my laptop and gazed at my wallpaper. A beautiful spiral galaxy with bright stars surrounding it.

It hit me like a ton of f'ng bricks. As the BS, I have put soooo much energy into figuring out the very beginnings and intricacies of her affair that I missed it. We can go back in time only so far as a BS trying to figure out the why's and the where's and other stuff. Yet, physics and math breaks down past a certain point. It is simply NOT possible to get past that f'ng point of the true beginning of the Big Bang - the Affair.

It can't really be tracked. Only theorized.

10 to the -43 seconds is it.

Planck Time.

Dig Time.



Maybe, there's a reason we will never know the true beginnings of the Big Bang. Maybe it's a reason that is bigger than any of us could ever imagine. And maybe. Just maybe...that's okay.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Among other things, I am an amateur astronomer. I've studied stars ever since I can remember and have always been a fan of cosmology. Not cosmetology cuz that's doing hair. Cosmology is the study of the universe. Long ago, I learned a term when researching the Big Bang Theory. See, the Big Bang Theory is still just that - a theory. Why? Because even though we can measure the red shift of galaxies moving away from the center of the universe, we haven't been able to reverse the time mathematically all the way TO the Big Bang.
> 
> This is called Planck Time and it measures at 10 to the negative 43 seconds.
> 
> ...



Today I asked my therapist "Why?" about a few things concerning myself. I figured that if I didn't know the answers and they were questions about me, then perhaps, he would, since no one else had been as privy to my innermost feelings and actions for the last few years. I don't even know all of the answers.... and my questions were about me. He said that, sometimes, the answer is "because," and no matter how hard we try or how long we continue to ask ourselves, the answer will remain "because." At some point, we just may have to acknowledge that something happened "because." But, if we can learn from our bad choices and grow as an individual from them, then we can do better from this day forward. But, no matter what.... we can't change yesterday. When I was a little girl my Dad reminded me every single day to do this one thing: Make Today Count.... MTC. So, that is what I am going to do.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

SomdayDig,

I guess human mind and nature are much more complex than the Big Bang and the theory? Theories happen in the human mind out of the supposed understanding.

Regardless of intellectual, material, social and what not achievements, we will not able able to understand why infidelity happened. Let us leave it at that. Trying to understand will only create theories in your mind.

Cheaters cheat.

Take care of yourself.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How can the world possibly end in 2012, when my yogurt expires in 2013?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Comparing Particle Physics with Infidelity to explain why? 

How about something a little more simple and down to earth: 

Because she wanted to and she thought she wouldn't get caught.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Among other things, I am an amateur astronomer. I've studied stars ever since I can remember and have always been a fan of cosmology. Not cosmetology cuz that's doing hair. Cosmology is the study of the universe. Long ago, I learned a term when researching the Big Bang Theory. See, the Big Bang Theory is still just that - a theory. Why? Because even though we can measure the red shift of galaxies moving away from the center of the universe, we haven't been able to reverse the time mathematically all the way TO the Big Bang.
> 
> This is called Planck Time and it measures at 10 to the negative 43 seconds.
> 
> ...


Dig, you don't have to be a mathmatician or cosmologist to understand the "why", of infidelity. Nothing that is of human making, is beyond human understanding. The answers you seek are located in one place, your wife's mind. Regardless of what she says, she knows exactly why she did, what she did. The purpose of IC is to help her recover those memories and feelings, and understand their meanings, so she can answer your questions more fully.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The beginnings of an affair are no more mysterious than the beginnings of any other relationship.

There might be something mysterious about why people are attracted to each other, but not why they start a relationship. For example, why does one woman prefer older men and another younger men, why does one prefer blonds and another brunettes, why do some men like men and why do some women like women - those things might be a little mysterious. But why she started the affair - she knows why.

*When you and your wife met, you each had reasons you pursued each other and escalated the relationship. There were things about your wife that attracted you and vice versa. Same thing with your wife and the other man.*

When your wife met her affair partner, there were reasons she decided to have the affair. It felt good. He was available. She wasn't happy and didn't care about losing the marriage. She was attracted to him. It was exciting. I don't know what the reasons were, but your wife does.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

SomedayDig,

(You're an amateur astronomer. Allow me to be an armchair psychologist for a minute.)

I don't think this is really all that mysterious. Your wife had the affair because she is, essentially, _broken_.

Each and every marriage has problems and stresses. Yours was suffering from your long absences, the miscarriage and a lack of communication. There were many ways that people respond to stress in a part of their life. They might avoid it by pouring themselves even harder into another part of their life (job, hobby, sport). They might see clarity by mediating or praying. They might see support by leaning harder on family or friends. They might avoid it through unhealthy things like drugs or alcohol.

Your wife didn't choose any of those things. She responded to the stress in her life by having meaningless sex for five years with a virtual stranger.

Until she really understands why she turned to sex (instead of prayer or family or drugs or alcohol) and kept turning to it for five years, the risk of another affair will be very high. Because, while you may fix the communication issues in your marriage, life will be sure to throw more stress your way (death of a loved one, caring for an elderly parent, job dissatisfaction, long-term illness) and your broken wife will turn back to destructive sex. Just like an alcoholic turns back to the bottle.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Your wife didn't choose any of those things. She responded to the stress in her life by having meaningless sex for five years with a virtual stranger.

Sorry, don't think a 5 year affair makes that person a virtual stranger and with the length of the affair "Meaningless" does not also fly.

She was aware that the OMW was pregnant had children and what she was doing would have an effect on that marriage if discovered, not to mention her own marriage. She chose to go forward.

Though Digg and Regret are attempting to R,and I hope that Digg gets to the point where he is able to completely go forward, the OMW has been harmed hopefully not for the rest of her life.

Sorry Regret, the damage you caused along with the OM to the OMW requires restitution on your part to her. How you do that, I don't know but until that is done there will always be an open wound.

Good Luck Digg.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Among other things, I am an amateur astronomer. I've studied stars ever since I can remember and have always been a fan of cosmology. Not cosmetology cuz that's doing hair. Cosmology is the study of the universe. Long ago, I learned a term when researching the Big Bang Theory. See, the Big Bang Theory is still just that - a theory. Why? Because even though we can measure the red shift of galaxies moving away from the center of the universe, we haven't been able to reverse the time mathematically all the way TO the Big Bang.
> 
> This is called Planck Time and it measures at 10 to the negative 43 seconds.
> 
> ...


It remains to be seen if the dark matter in the universe is enough for another Big Bang to occur or if it will follow a natural course of expansion waiting for another random singularity moment down the line.

Really enjoy your posts Dig.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

The only point of commonality that a layman like me can see between the said theory and the affair is the word *bang*.

Hey can I get my Ph.D now?


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Sorry, don't think a 5 year affair makes that person a virtual stranger and with the length of the affair "Meaningless" does not also fly.


"Meaningless" does not mean "completely without impact". The sex destroyed one family and might destroy another. Of course, it had a huge impact. However, in terms of a relationship between the two affair partners, the sex was meaningless. Instead of strengthening a bond (as sex can in marriage), it was - as Regret has said repeatedly - "just sex". She felt nothing for the OM. She just wanted to 'f' him.

In addition, she barely knew him when they started the affair. They met only for sex. They did not socialize much, if all, outside of the affair. Other than the sex, there was little or no relationship between the two. He was a virtual stranger.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Again T-hooper 2012 have to disagree. A common thread for the WS is to explain it by being "Just Sex". 

Read Can't Think Straights Thread that is what his WS stated to him.

Yeah, I think the act of Sex between two people is important and it is a special bound that is to be shared by two people who have a commitment to one another. 

It cheapens that bound when it is referred to as "Just Sex".


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are several things that crop up here that point to a high probability of people having an affair. I remember at least two in your story. The main one was you essentially had a long distance relationship. You were absent most of the time. In my experience this rarely works. Conciously or subconciously your wife felt abandoned and was literally correct. There are multitudes of threads here about cheating and traveling spouses. The worse seem to be military familes.

The second big thing that hit your family is the night she first became interested in the OM. This was essentially a girls night out. She went to a party, got drunk and was hit on by a married man. GNO's are a slam dunk straight to adultery.

I can't recall your timeline but a recent Discovery channel documentary presented studies of married women that included two major biological points . One is that women go through a five year cycle of seeking out different partners to father children. Another was that when married women party, go to clubs, they show more skin and dance more provocatively than single women when they are ovulating.

Your wifes affair was the result of several factors coming together at the wrong time and normal boundaries being crossed one at a time and justified by her alienation from you.

I don't recall your wifes profession, has that been mentioned? I also wonder if she ever thought you might be cheating on your trips away from home?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I can't recall your timeline but a recent Discovery channel documentary presented studies of married women that included two major biological points . One is that women go through a five year cycle of seeking out different partners to father children. Another was that when married women party, go to clubs, they show more skin and dance more provocatively than single women when they are ovulating.


Hey Chaparral, do you remember the name of that show? I would like to see it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Hey Chaparral, do you remember the name of that show? I would like to see it.


No, but I found it again on their website. I think you can watch it there. Some others here have also mentioned it and may remember the name.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Comparing Particle Physics with Infidelity to explain why?
> 
> How about something a little more simple and down to earth:
> 
> Because she wanted to and she thought she wouldn't get caught.


To Dig:

I agree with this. My spouse said this during counseling. He said he felt having an affair was a male entitlement. He said other wives forgave their husbands, and he thought I would forgive him.

Also, he repeatedly said I was never supposed to find out.

Usually the simplest answer is the right one.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Among other things, I am an amateur astronomer. I've studied stars ever since I can remember and have always been a fan of cosmology. Not cosmetology cuz that's doing hair. Cosmology is the study of the universe. Long ago, I learned a term when researching the Big Bang Theory. See, the Big Bang Theory is still just that - a theory. Why? Because even though we can measure the red shift of galaxies moving away from the center of the universe, we haven't been able to reverse the time mathematically all the way TO the Big Bang.
> 
> This is called Planck Time and it measures at 10 to the negative 43 seconds.
> 
> ...


I would fear that if you put so much investigation into the logic and causality leading up to the affair, you might miss what is really important to understand for reconciliation. Unfortunatly, when we use the broad brush of "the fog" to try to explain what happened, or that it was "just sex", there has never been any research to suggest that these factors outweigh, in themselves, the personal hopes and ambitions we have when we dream about what we want our marriage to be as we grow older together as a married couple.

Think about it. As youth, we all imagine what being married will mean to us. We come to know what is important to us in dreaming about growing old together, and how we want our partner to think of us. I don't think you can underestimate how important it can be to ask "what happened to your dream of our marriage"? Where did it begin to disintegrate? Are you a more practical person who is more aware of the 'here and now', and think only in these terms, as opposed to carrying a narrative in your mind of where you want the marriage to go?

More often than not, the betrayed person who is so devastated by the affair that they seek to investigate it is very aware of this mental narrative of what marriage is supposed to be, and how it has been broken. If you choose to only question the big bang theory of how it happened, my opinion is that you can miss some important questions. In reconciliation, your wife can grow to share your vision for the future, and to almost feel it in the way you two grow together from this point forward. To feel like she is committed to something that is larger than life, something beautiful because it is a life long committment. At this point, it sounds like your wife wants this, and I think you should let her feel free to express it, as opposed to constantly dwelling on the events that led up to her relationship with another man. But you have to understand the practical issues that might stand in the way of getting that level of committment. In other words, what does she consistently need from you to help her do the work of keeping that committment alive?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am writing only to disagree with the idea that two APs know each other 'well' even after a years-long affair. I'm sure there are cases where the couple starts out as friends and therefore they know a lot about each other. But in my own case I was able to spend just one day 'researching' my H's AP via FB and google, and I came up with a bunch of facts / information that astounded my H.

The best examples I give are her bday--he doesn't have a clue of the day OR month which I find amazing. But there are various other things--it comes down to, APs often don't share this stuff. They are already convinced of their 'love', they do not need to go through the rituals of two single people deciding if this person is someone they want to marry.

The trouble with human beings is how complex we are. Physical attractiveness only goes so far; beauty dies; personalities melding cannot always overcome deeper philosophical and religious beliefs. Sometimes we marry the wrong person by not delving deeper. But the chances of skewing wrong are much higher in APs because of the immoral foundation of the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Regret, your husband must feel emasculated, right? This is the one thing WS , especially women fail to recognize, sure u can rebuild the marriage and trust, how about the masculinity? We are territorial, our women define us, the sanctitiy and sacrisant characteristics of the relationship, its stripped to the core, how can he get back his masculinity, what will you do and accomodate? One thing we fail to recognize is big time and may stay with him is all that meant soo much to him was taken and given away


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## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Regret, it would be best if you answer this first cause its got to come from within and not others


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> The only point of commonality that a layman like me can see between the said theory and the affair is the word *bang*.
> 
> Hey can I get my Ph.D now?


Thanks for making me smile, this morning. I needed that. 

While I enjoy reading your post Dig, I have to agree, the main impetus for the affair is the Big Bang at the end. 

Obviously my husbands OW was a backstabbing, hussy who would, according to her own husbands detective and town gossip, open her legs and all other orifices, for anyone in the parking lot of a nightclub, locally and on her frequent girl's trips.

The OW also told my STBEH that she wanted to stay married to her very wealthy husband because he provided a very nice cushy lifestyle, maids, nannys,cooks, girls trips, spa trips, plastic surgeries, lipo., etc., she mentioned that she would likely divorce him after he got a huge company bonus, and/or his father died and he inherited his trust fund.

So, obviously STBEH wasn't attracted to this woman's nice personality. He was attracted to the sleaze because it screamed easy wild sex.

My STBEH admitted that he could never marry her because he could never trust her and couldn't live like that. :scratch head:

She is also not very bright. She sounds like a teenage girl in her emails, even in her 30s.

My husband always claimed to like intelligent intellectually curious women. So WTF

Well obviously the attraction had to be the happy big bang ending after their meeting.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

t_hopper_2012 said:


> "Meaningless" does not mean "completely without impact". The sex destroyed one family and might destroy another. Of course, it had a huge impact. However, in terms of a relationship between the two affair partners, the sex was meaningless. Instead of strengthening a bond (as sex can in marriage), it was - as Regret has said repeatedly - "just sex". She felt nothing for the OM. She just wanted to 'f' him.
> 
> In addition, she barely knew him when they started the affair. They met only for sex. They did not socialize much, if all, outside of the affair. Other than the sex, there was little or no relationship between the two. He was a virtual stranger.


Dig, My STBEH also said it was meaningless sex. I would have believed him had I not seen the their communications. 

They were very emotional and filled with I lust you and you could be the last one, and I can't wait to see you, and I'm so hot for you, etc. 

They both also bitterly complained about the restraints both spouses put on their freedom. Huh, both had boy's and girl's night's out freedoms. Both had girl and boy trips only freedoms. so again huh!

In any case my point is I doubt it was just sex. It was emotional. 

Also the sheer volume of calls, texts emails half the night also indicates it was NOT JUST ABOUT SEX.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow! I didn't expect so many to chime in on my little rant, but I am really happy that it sparked commentary.

In the place that I am, I can honestly say that I see everyone's comments, both for and against reconciliation, equally. I'm not one to pull the wool over my own eyes. That would be to go back to March 5th, much like we Americans like to somehow describe our September 10th attitude. I'm not going back there and I refuse to think or feel otherwise.

This post came about after Regret and I had a huge 2 hour conversation and sometimes I have a problem (my word) with being overly cerebral. I do that all the time. That is one of my quirks and actually Regret enjoys it when I can look at the simplest thing and make it grandiose. She said that on the first night we ever spoke on the phone.

Anyways, I want everyone to know that at this point, I'm not going anywhere. I'm where I want to be. I'm not shut off to leaving if I need to. I just don't need to at this stage. Regret and I have a lot of work to do yet. Let's always keep the communication doors open on TAM, even and especially when we don't 100% agree with a reply. See, I think reading those replies we don't necessarily agree with, really does help.

I counseled a friend a couple months ago who had strayed from his wife for a stupid ONS. He talked to me about the struggles that they go through with reconciliation and I totally understood. It was tough talking to the WS in my position, but I felt it was necessary to truly hear him. In the end, as I spoke to both of them, I offered them this: When we drive down the road, there's no way that we can stay on the road by always looking in the rear view mirror. While we definitely need to check that mirror every now and then, there's absolutely no way we would be able to stay on the road if we do nothing but look in the rear view. 

Yes, I came up with that on the fly and totally from an honest point. I think it works not only in my own dealing with infidelity, but can actually work for a host of other issues we deal with as we walk on this spinning planet.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so what's dark matter?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so what's dark matter?


I don't EVEN wanna imagine!!! :rofl:


Unless, of course, we are truly talking about cosmology. Then, I'd be more than happy to point you to another forum for that discussion!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well I know what real dark matter is

just curious as to the what it is in the analogy

(something you know has to exist but can't physically prove- I'm thinking proof of jerry's wife cheating)


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

SomedayDig said:


> When we drive down the road, there's no way that we can stay on the road by always looking in the rear view mirror. While we definitely need to check that mirror every now and then, there's absolutely no way we would be able to stay on the road if we do nothing but look in the rear view.


 This is the only thing that I worry about with you Dig. Sometimes I worry that you are trying to move past this and commit back to the marriage too quickly. But, time is different for us all, so I will just continue to keep my fingers crossed.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> The best examples I give are her bday--he doesn't have a clue of the day OR month which I find amazing. But there are various other things--it comes down to, APs often don't share this stuff. They are already convinced of their 'love', they do not need to go through the rituals of two single people deciding if this person is someone they want to marry.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are lucky that your spouse did not care about these personal details. It does say a lot about his relationship with the OW. 

In my case, as in many, however, my STBEH new all her personal details. I saw the emails, texts and heard some voicemails. 

He new more about her daily schedule than he knew about mine, or cared to obviously. 

Knowing that was very damaging to me. 

In your case, I can understand why reconciliation is working and why you are trying. You should. 

I don't think your husband's emotional affair was as emotional as was my STBEH. And, I am sure knowing that since you saw the emails, helps you R.

Best Wishes. You sound like such a together lady. I am sure things will work out for you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hmmm...okay, I see where you're going and I guess if we're gonna go deep into this, I would definitely describe dark matter as the sh_t in the WS's grey matter. We can't see it but we know its there. We don't know how it works, but we know it does. And it's probably deeper than even the grey matter...its what goes on between the synapses that would more likely be described as the dark matter.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

iheartlife....just because you were just quoted by Sara, I have to reply. Regret had no idea of anything in the xOM's life story. No clue to his birthday and he had no knowledge of hers. It was so sterile until they were between the sheets. Then it was the wonderful land of unicorns and rainbows.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

DawnD said:


> This is the only thing that I worry about with you Dig. Sometimes I worry that you are trying to move past this and commit back to the marriage too quickly. But, time is different for us all, so I will just continue to keep my fingers crossed.


I totally hear ya, Dawn. However, the guy I gave this advice to is over a year out from Dday. What I said does NOT apply to me at this point and time. Thank you for allowing me to clarify that!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a tad off topic but you need a break every now and then
How to Pronounce Uranus - YouTube


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dig don't take this the wrong way but, seeing your cheerful and merry attitude post your wife's affair (only 4 months since D-Day?), I sometimes worry that it's a veneer and you'll just snap any minute. A strange case of PTSD, like The Joker from Batman. Are you sure you got proper IC for this?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LMAO!!! THAT was hilarious! Thanks for sharing.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Dig don't take this the wrong way but, seeing your cheerful and merry attitude post your wife's affair (only 4 months since D-Day?), I sometimes worry that it's a veneer and you'll just snap any minute. A strange case of PTSD, like The Joker from Batman. Are you sure you got proper IC for this?


I think its something that comes naturally for men who have good humour, I'd go from cracking a joke and making my son and wife laugh about something mundane and then go into ice mode the next.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I agree. I would have to laugh or cry, and no one wants to cry all the time. I did this a lot in the earlier stages too, just to keep my sanity. Still do, its just not "needed" like it was then


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> I think its something that comes naturally for men who have good humour, I'd go from cracking a joke and making my son and wife laugh about something mundane and then go into ice mode the next.


I really hope so, something like this would give me a mental breakdown to be honest. I wish you the best Dig.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Dig don't take this the wrong way but, seeing your cheerful and merry attitude post your wife's affair (only 4 months since D-Day?), I sometimes worry that it's a veneer and you'll just snap any minute. A strange case of PTSD, like The Joker from Batman. Are you sure you got proper IC for this?


I was the exact same way, it's how I deal with stress


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Dig don't take this the wrong way but, seeing your cheerful and merry attitude post your wife's affair (only 4 months since D-Day?), I sometimes worry that it's a veneer and you'll just snap any minute. A strange case of PTSD, like The Joker from Batman. Are you sure you got proper IC for this?


Don't forget, you guys see the Dig on TAM. Regret sees the Dig in real life. There is a distinct difference and if I was to have this cheerful and merry attitude throughout my daily life, I would agree totally with you. 

Truth is, I am sad. I am hurt. Some days I feel like I'm unconnected from myself.

But. I choose to take a deep breath and feel the present. I know that sounds like a whole lot of hokey bologna, but it's just what I do.

Quick anecdote: My step father was an evil son of a b_itch if ever there was one. Verbal abuse as a daily occurrence was my life. Until I learned that I could beat him by letting every horrible word he said deflect off and not hurt me. That was my choice to make. I could sit there and take his barrage of words and absorb them and feel horrid (not cool during my teens) or I could sit there and let him say his crap and simply stare at him and "go away" within myself.

Fast forward 30 odd years and picture me sitting on the deck with Regret as we talk about what she did. I choose to listen intently and I dissect every word. I've learned that I can see through the bullsh_t, and I've told her so. The difference is, I allow myself to hurt. Not because I want to hurt, but because it simply does. If I were to "go away" while she talked and then present a happy face, I'd be screwed. However, and I know a lot of people are gonna give me the WTF face, but...when she tells me of a time they had sex, I can look at it for what it was: Something that happened back then. It is not happening right now. I'm not diminishing one bit what she did, but I can choose to see Regret sitting in front of me with painful remorse on her face or simply see her as a piece of crap that cheated on me.

I'm free flow writing at the moment and a lot of it probably doesn't make any sense. That's just how my brain works sometimes. I'll come back after my golf league tonite and try to clarify anything...

Sorry for being all over the place on this one.

Quick Edit: When I talk about listening to a sexual account by Regret, I want everyone to know that I feel tremendous pain! BUT, I don't let that pain cloud my mind or thinking. Most times.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I do not agree that you can never find the answer or the reason. The WS just does not really want to look there and acknowledge what is there. The BS may not want to really hear the reasons either even after saying that they do.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Because she wanted to and she thought she wouldn't get caught.


Partly true but the fact that she got sloppy, like so many WS do, shows that deep down she did want to get caught as a way to end the affair. Ever notice how many WS when they get caught, they stopped caring about the affair and the AP?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

people's coping mechinisms fascinate me.

very interesting stuff.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> How can the world possibly end in 2012, when my yogurt expires in 2013?


The live bacteria in the cultured yogurt shall inherit the earth and multiply.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Don't forget, you guys see the Dig on TAM. Regret sees the Dig in real life. There is a distinct difference and if I was to have this cheerful and merry attitude throughout my daily life, I would agree totally with you.
> 
> Truth is, I am sad. I am hurt. Some days I feel like I'm unconnected from myself.
> 
> ...


I know you have probably mentioned it but I feel that you should start doing things for yourself such as working out etc and continue punching the bag lol, however I have a curosity you had mentioned that in your prior marriage your ex cheated on you and eventually you sought divorce, my question is because of this experience are you trying something different ? ie Reconcilation or you actually love an care for your ws and think yall can work it out if that makes sense I couldnt imagine how hard it would be to deal with a 5yr long affair and then try R Good Luck


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> You are lucky that your spouse did not care about these personal details. It does say a lot about his relationship with the OW.
> 
> In my case, as in many, however, my STBEH new all her personal details. I saw the emails, texts and heard some voicemails.
> 
> ...


Just to be clear, my H's affair was very much emotional. Recall that they were soulmates, best friends in the whole world, etc (although now I know those were my H's words, not hers). He was extremely solicitous and lent a sympathetic ear. 

I am not sure why they didn't discuss factual stuff. I think they might have but neither one kept close track, the relationship was more about being "heard" (or so they thought) than actually listening and remembering. 

But I don't think my H's affair was so different. I do think it was very out of character, and he is horrified by his actions. But talk to me in another 15 years, maybe I'll have a different story to tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Also Sara--I think if I had vanished in the first couple of years of the affair, he would have tried to persuade her to leave her BS. I don't think she would have, but I think my H would have tried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

AngryandUsed said:


> SomdayDig,
> 
> I guess human mind and nature are much more complex than the Big Bang and the theory? Theories happen in the human mind out of the supposed understanding.
> 
> ...


That is too right. Cheaters do cheat and as the great philosopher Yoda once said, "once you go down that dark path........" 

I think far too many people try to over think affairs and cheating -it really comes down to selfishness. Putting one's sexual/emotional/physical gratification over the well-being of one's family/husband/marriage. It is the easiest, albeit most damaging, selfish fix. 

Let's assume the Big Bang did occur, then we can assume it happened for a reason. The Universe was meant to be born. Affairs happen for a reason as well. They may provide a window to a soul that you may not wish to see, but it will certainly be enlightening.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I think maybe part of this original post wasn't taken as I meant, or that my words were not chosen properly.

Dig Time or 10 -43 seconds for me is that Regret has told me everything there is to know about each of their meets and talks and texts. I keep looking for more there. THAT is the Dig Time/Planck Time I'm referring. Maybe I muddied it up by talking about understanding the beginnings of the affair, but that truly wasn't what I was thinking when I originally came up with this crazy assed computation...lol


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> I know you have probably mentioned it but I feel that you should start doing things for yourself such as working out etc and continue punching the bag lol, however I have a curosity you had mentioned that in your prior marriage your ex cheated on you and eventually you sought divorce, my question is because of this experience are you trying something different ? ie Reconcilation or you actually love an care for your ws and think yall can work it out if that makes sense I couldnt imagine how hard it would be to deal with a 5yr long affair and then try R Good Luck


Actually, the reason I was able to divorce my first wife was that tumultuous would be a nice phrase to describe our relationship from the beginning. I married her cuz I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I met her when I was 18. Enough said.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dig, I'm sorry to say this, but I feel that it is impossible for a woman to have a 5 year affair and have zero emotional ties to the Om. Regret isn't being honest, and I think that the reason for it is to minimize her guilt and your hurt.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Dig, I'm sorry to say this, but I feel that it is impossible for a woman to have a 5 year affair and have zero emotional ties to the Om. Regret isn't being honest, and I think that the reason for it is to minimize her guilt and your hurt.


Dig:

I agree with this. If a woman can have sex with a man for 5 years and have no emotional attachment to her, that's kinda' scary.

If it's true, your wife may be have narcissistic personality disorder. 

It's very likely she is lying about her attachment to him to avoid causing you pain.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Also Sara--I think if I had vanished in the first couple of years of the affair, he would have tried to persuade her to leave her BS. I don't think she would have, but I think my H would have tried.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was serious, then. Sorry. 

I also feel in my heart that had the affair not been discovered my STBEH might have fallen in love with this woman and wanted to marry her. 

STBEH mentioned several times that she said she wanted to run off with him, and he had a nostalgic look in his eye. 

Ah well. They can have each other, now. IMO, they deserve each other. The more I learn about her after meeting her sweet, hardworking, trusting, husband, the more I see that my STBEH and the OW have many many similar personality traits.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

[*QUOTE=anonymouskitty;921440]
The only point of commonality that a layman like me can see between the said theory and the affair is the word bang.

Hey can I get my Ph.D now?[/QUOTE]*



*Anonymous:*

The first time I read that, it really spurred some laughter in a rather gloomy afternoon.

I just came to this thread again, and it made me laugh again.

thank you.


May I add:

*If not a Ph.D, I can award you an MPhil (Master of Philandering).*




SomedayDig: I know, not exactly a place for jokes. Pardon me.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

This makes my brain hurt. The only thing I got from this, is the word BANG!

My little brain took a left turn at Bang, and now I wanna go home.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

> *Anonymous:*
> 
> The first time I read that, it really spurred some laughter in a rather gloomy afternoon.
> 
> ...


 I'm a poor old :bsflag:


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> That was just a poor attempt at some humour on my part, Anonymous. Not a realistic comment.
> 
> There is a BS Flag icon here, that you can insert? Oh my.
> 
> ...


:slap::slap::slap:

I've been lurking here for two months and people still take me seriously.

I think its time to change my avatar again


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Dig:
> 
> I agree with this. If a woman can have sex with a man for 5 years and have no emotional attachment to her, that's kinda' scary.
> 
> ...


Dig:

I also agree and there is another thing When Regret has stated in her threads that she would have stopped the affair if you had not found out.

If after 5 years she had stated she wouldn't have stopped the affair and only came to realize the problem when you took action that seems more truthful. I do not think she is being totally true. I am not a psychologist just my thought and I think she still has a long way to go.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Dig:
> 
> I also agree and there is another thing When Regret has stated in her threads that she would have stopped the affair if you had not found out. *FYI....I have been honest from the beginning that it wouldn't have stopped. I don't know where you read that, but its incorrect. Please let me know where you read that in case my wording may have been the issue. Thanks.*


I do agree, however, that I do have a long way to go. But I have promised nothing but the truth to Dig, for whatever my word is worth at this point!


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> :slap::slap::slap:
> 
> I've been lurking here for two months and people still take me seriously.
> 
> I think its time to change my avatar again



Oh, you meant the other expansion of BS? 

Ah. That makes two of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> a tad off topic but you need a break every now and then
> How to Pronounce Uranus - YouTube


Sorry AR but this is way better

Michelle Jenneke Dancing Sexy as Hell at Junior World Championships in Barcelona 2012 - YouTube

But thanks for the link that linked to this HaHa


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

My take from your original, informational, and enjoyable post is: we can never know the why of infidelity. The best we can do is to accept it. I would say "What about character?" Some people can never understand the why of infidelity. They should accept it if they want, but not if it bothers them.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Yes, I understand that I have posited a normative value in your indifferent universe.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I don't subscribe to the "sh!t happens" theory of affairs. Sorry, in a mood tonight. I'll stop now.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I don't subscribe to the "sh!t happens" theory of affairs. Sorry, in a mood tonight. I'll stop now.


Bah! That chaos theory crap is just for people who don't wanna do math!!


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Math is hard.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I hate math! LMAO


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just read the original post, thats it, so I would like to say that 2-1/2 yrs ago when I 1st confronted my fWW it was all about the little thing, the details, the rehashing over and over again the whole 13 yrs of marriage she was screwing around.

But as time went by it goes away...at least in my case guz me and Mrs. the-guy talked about it over and over again. It does get to a point were the details stop mattering and the simble fact that it happened is all that remains.

Now that I know all of crap that went on it no longer matters...we are moving on to....again a simple fact that "it " could happen again and how to prevent it.

Its all about stages Digs. You go from place to place with regards to the affair's and then it boils down to it most simplest form.

So take the time to get it out of your system and it sounds like Regret is filling in the blanks and getting it out of her system. After that point you guys will go to another stage. But for know go thru with it and get it all out on the table...no matter how many time the both of you go thru it...there will be a point....a shift...to were a satifaction is met and the next stage is ready to be walked thru.

So go with it bro and get thru this stage, I hope just like in my case you have that satisfaction of knowing what you need to know and then apoint is achieved and preventive maintence is all that matters.

Dude, so many cats get the short end of the stick, either there chick won't talk about it ever again or they can't handle the painful crap...then they come back later, still all screwed up about it.

So go thru it (details, feelings, thoughts) again and again if need be..it will pass and you will feel the both of you moving on to better things like affair proofing the marriage...thats when it gets really good.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I like that the-guy. Good stuff.

Ya know what I love (besides Regret)? Panheads. I love the look of that engine and the sound and the stroke of the damn thing. I love it and one day I'll have one.

But. It's a Panhead. I know every bit, I'm gonna have to open the rocker box and adjust the pistons and the crank and maybe even work on the ignition (gasp!).

Preventative maintenance. If ya love the Panhead, you'll do it and have so many dudes watch ya ride in style and wish to hell they could do what ya do with that engine.

Okay...that was way off topic of the Big Bang Theory, but it's a Harley. How can ya argue with that? Besides it's my damn thread, so there!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Right on!

I build building...home, schools offices, even prisons. I have to see all the parts, visualize each stage, then I can see the whole building. 

After that I get to it and build the damb thing.

Kind of like my old lady, I have to see her for what she was, who she became, and what she is capable of becoming.

Then I can build a new marriage.

Well lets just say more like a remodel or tenent improvement, and if it gets thrashed again, then I will build a new building. 

Think about it, the frame is still good, but the bike needs a rebuilt engine...LOL

Once that engine is running you can ride it as long as you want, and if that engine burns out *again* then it may need to be replace.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think the issue is (and Dig alluded to this in his other thread) when your spouse has an LTA, that's years and years to account for. You're in R, doing ok, and then out of the blue you'll remember some suspicious behavior (in a recent case for me, from 2009 before DD#1) and suddenly you'll connect the dots and realize why the WS did such-and-such. And more painful memories get dredged up.

It is one of the most disorienting things I've gone through, re-creating 4.5 years of my life. I sometimes wonder how far my mind would be blown by the mere possession of phone bills dating back to the start. But although there are some unknowable things about all affairs, that issue is magnified in LTAs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> and suddenly you'll connect the dots and realize why the WS did such-and-such. And more painful memories get dredged up.


I do this every day and several times a day. Fitting new information or understanding into the timeline. Sheds new light and fresh blood on everything. I think I made a post on this. Drove AllMessedUp away today with some of this.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It is quite painful.

Yet Dig Time (Planck Time) refers to the point where you've heard all the sh_t. Gone over it time and time again and continue to try to find more and more. There is none. The banged. The end. There's nothing more to it.

All sense (physics/mathematics) breaks down. It can't go past 10 - 43.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Well I'm considered by most to be dumber than a bag of rocks, but I can offer some insight into what the initial cause of my marriage imploding after six months in spite of my not finding out until some twenty years later.
The failed abortion that my father tried to force on my mother left me unable to ever offer my ex that which she insisted she needed for what was for her a good sex life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like your satisified with what went on for the last 5 yrs.?

It sounds like that Regrets memory bank pulled enough out after all those years.

Try talking to fWW that went 13 yrs and 20 OM's it a freaking cluster..... In my case and my case alone I have given small concesions to the "trickel truth". Those drunken ONS were not only tough to listen to it took some time to pull out due to the shameful behavior Mrs.the-guy has, combined with the beer goggles.

The LTA..if you can call 1month a LTA were easy for her to recall on.

But when it was all said and done it just to a point were enough is enough and its time to take the next step. I reached that point when we discused my "good" friend affair. That double betrayal was the toughest of them all.

Vengence is mine sayith the lord...I'm just going to help OM get there the next time I see this so called "friend"

As long as the both of you got that monkey off your back then great.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> I don't subscribe to the "sh!t happens" theory of affairs. Sorry, in a mood tonight. I'll stop now.


Sometimes I wonder. One study says over 70% of people say they would have an affair if they KNEW they wouldn't get caught. About 35% of people DO have affairs, about half those that wish they could have one. I guess those are the ones who think they won't get caught and those that don't think they care if they get caught.

On top of that, pessimistically thinking, I think more than 70% would have an affair under the right(wrong) circumstances. What was the movie where Redford offered a million dollars to sleep with a married woman? I'm guessing it would take a lot less than a million for most people.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Sometimes I wonder. One study says over 70% of people say they would have an affair if they KNEW they wouldn't get caught. About 35% of people DO have affairs, about half those that wish they could have one. I guess those are the ones who think they won't get caught and those that don't think they care if they get caught.
> 
> On top of that, pessimistically thinking, I think more than 70% would have an affair under the right(wrong) circumstances. What was the movie where Redford offered a million dollars to sleep with a married woman? I'm guessing it would take a lot less than a million for most people.


*"Indecent Proposal"*


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

chapparal said:


> What was the movie where Redford offered a million dollars to sleep with a married woman? I'm guessing it would take a lot less than a million for most people.


Hell...I'd bang him for a hundred.



Wait. Was that the outside voice?!!!
:rofl:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The millionaire asked the lady on the elevator if she would do him for a million dollars. She laughed and told him " No problem at all". He said would you do me for one hundred dollars and she yelled , "What kind of woman do you think I am?" He said " We've already established that, now we're just negotiating."


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

That is AWESOME!!!! Ahahaha!

I'll have to show that to Regret when she gets back from dropping the kids off at her parent's. Ohhh...a week without the kids around. Whatever will we do?

Oh. That's a rhetorical question for those of you still caught up in the whole Planck Time thingy. I know it's taxing to think of...


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Sometimes I wonder. One study says over 70% of people say they would have an affair if they KNEW they wouldn't get caught. About 35% of people DO have affairs, about half those that wish they could have one. I guess those are the ones who think they won't get caught and those that don't think they care if they get caught.
> 
> On top of that, pessimistically thinking, I think more than 70% would have an affair under the right(wrong) circumstances. What was the movie where Redford offered a million dollars to sleep with a married woman? I'm guessing it would take a lot less than a million for most people.


I believe we are all wired to have an affair given the right circumstances as the saying goes every man has his price
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

the guy said:


> It sound like your satisified with what went on for the last 5 yrs.?
> 
> It sounds like that Regrets memory bank pulled enough out after all those years.
> 
> ...


my first ex ran off with my I thought was my best friend any way I kinda missed him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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