# Hot-headed husband.



## RachelLaura

I am a newlywed and this is my first time posting on here. I want to start off by saying that my husband is very caring and treats me wonderfully.

However, he has a bit of a temper. Now, I know you are all probably seeing huge red flags when you read the word temper. And yes, it is something he needs to work on- but he honestly is very gentle and would not hurt me physically. His problem is that he gets upset very very easily over very small things. He blows a lot of things out of proportion and he just cant handle conflict very well.

I am the opposite and am very calm and patient. I help balance him out very well and can often calm him down. But obviously I cannot do this all of the time. We are working on communicating between the 2 of us and it is a work in progress. My problem- and why I am posting on here- is that it has involved my friends a few times and I am really upset.

I have had 2 situations where I had a small conflict with my friends- one was where my friend did not show up to my engagement party and bridal shower and did not RSVP. Scott took it upon himself to tell this particular friend's fiance that she was irresponsible, immature, etc etc and created this whole drama. This was after I had already resolved the problem between my friend and I. He was trying to stick up for me but it put me in a very uncomfortable position.

I told him that he cant meddle in my friendships and to let me take care of things involving my friends. He believed as my husband he had the right to speak up when he saw me hurt. But since he handles conflict inappropriately, it came out the wrong way and made things worse. My friend was obviously offended by his words, and thought he had no place getting involved.

Now another current situation- my friends and I are trying to plan a NYE celebration. I have been working hard researching places, and several ideas of mine have been shot down. It is frustrating to me, but we are still trying to work it out. Scott rashly responded to my friends telling them sarcastically to do their own research and they dont appreciate my hard work. (I never intended for them to help plan, because they are out of towners). Now my friends are offended by his snides remarks, which of course they should be, and may not come in to celebrate NYE with us.

I feel like I keep having the same talks with him- to think before he speaks, that words can be hurtful, to watch his tone of voice. It obviously did not get through to his head. I dont know if this is something that we should see the therapist about but I am extremely upset that my husband is meddling in my friendships which I worked very hard to maintain over the years. I also hate that now my friends think he is an ******* and I dont understand why he has to blow everything out of proportion.

Can anyone relate or offer me any advice? He really is a good guy overall, and I dont know what to do.


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## jessi

maybe seeing a counsellor is the answer since he doesn't seem to understand your feelings with his behavior. He can work on it but has to want to, he just needs to learn some new skills on being patient.........good luck


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## sisters359

This is a potentially serious issue, because it can go wrong in so many ways. First and foremost, he is not respecting your boundaries--these are your friends and you are a grown woman. He is totally out of line to interfere in these relationships, regardless of what he thinks, unless YOU ask for advice or support. And then he can talk to you about them, but he has absolutely no business talking to them about these things. Goodness, is he going to go in and tell off your boss next?

Second, and equally important to think about--controlling people will try to isolate you from your friends and family. It's not like they have a conscious plan to do so, but they will. So set some firm boundaries and insist that he respect those boundaries. If he pulls the "you are letting your friends come between us," remind him this isn't about the friends: it's about the boundaries btw a husband and wife. You get to choose and manage your own friendships. If this was about how much time you choose to spend with your friends and him feeling it was too much, you could compromise (or not, as the case may be). But this isn't about him feeling lonely for you at all. 



> He believed as my husband he had the right to speak up when he saw me hurt.


Absolutely not. He can comfort and guide you (again, if you ask), but he cannot "speak up for you." You speak for yourself. It is disrespectful of your abilities as an adult for him to interfere. If you are hurt, you will work it out with your friend (and, you did). Or you may choose to let go of a friend--if he's interfering, he could (conceivably) be out there patching up things with, and committing you to, a friend who you've decided to "drop." Just an example of how he is crossing into territory that is entirely yours, and he needs to understand why it's not appropriate as much as he needs to stop doing it. Good luck.


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## Blanca

my mom is this way. she says the meanest things and lashes out at people, but then plays the victim afterwards, saying she never meant to hurt anyones feelings. she completely deny ever saying anything mean and actually cries if you accuse her. its quite a drama scene. but ive learned with her that i cant try and get her to understand what im saying. i simply give her consequences to her behavior. she lashed out at my h once and i told her if she did it again she'd never see me again. and i meant it. she of course got upset and had no idea what i was talking about, but she's never done it again. 

so when dealing with your H, dont try and explain anything. you give consequences and let the person have their tirade. it might also help if you two work on your boundaries together. when you are first together it gets confusing about who has the right to say what, and if you have the right to tell your spouse what to do. You can google boundaries in marriage and there are some good resources.


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## artieb

Tell him that until he can control his tongue he is not to speak with your friends unless you give him permission. When the phone rings he is to let the machine pick it up until he knows who it is. He is not to phone them, email them, or initiate contact in any way without your prior approval.

Buy him a copy of _How to Control Your Anger Before It Controls You_, and _How to Win Friends and Influence People_. Make him read each book twice.

Get yourself a copy of _Emotional Intelligence_ and help him work on his.


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## scarletblue

This is how I see it. A lot of men are "fixers". If you tell them about a problem, they want to fix it. You may be just making conversation, or venting and just wanting him to listen. He, however, sees that you are hurt or frustrated and wants to fix it. He doesn't like to see you hurt. 

Try telling him that you are just talking to him, or using him as a sounding board and you don't want him to fix it for you, just be there to listen.

I think you are on the right track in the way you're dealing with him, if it's working. It take time to break old bad habits and extablish new ones.


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## mrnice

He needs help and you need to tell him exactly how you feel when he does it. If he loves you and cares about you he will control this part of him. If he goes into denial and says things like "Well you married me for who I am" then you have to ask yourself this. Was he like this before you got married cause if he wasn't then he better keep it under control or you better bail out, guys like this tend to get worse over time until something serious happens. I hate people who use anger to resolve arguments I always say "When you're prepared to deal with this like a normal human being, we'll re visit the issue because at the moment you're carrying on like a Gorilla who just had a banana stolen by a monkey"


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## flower

Hi RachelLaura, 

I am new here, although not a newlywed. I have over 25 years of marriage behind me, and I'm now in my second marriage (almost three years). I just posted my first post about my second husband. He is also a HUGE hothead, and says very demeaning things. I have lost a couple of friendships because of my husband (I didn't talk about that in my post, though).

I also have a good friend whose fiance is much like your husband. He is very controlling to the point where she looks forward to him leaving with my husband for their three month vacation of playing on sports teams out of state, just so she can wear jeans and sweaters again, and not the skimpy outfits he makes her wear all the time! I refuse to allow my husband to ever tell me what I can wear!

Be careful! When their tempers are uncontrolled, it can get ugly. I am in that situation right now. It's very demeaning. My husband can be very nice and loving, BUT watch out. It always something very small and insignificant to most people that will set him off. 

I am not perfect, and I also get angry. However, I am much better able to control it than he is. It's not easy, but it can be done. Not to say that I haven't lost my temper, I have. But, if I do, it's after I have listened to many verbal insults. 

It's best to try and walk away and ignore it. Easier said than done sometimes, but I am working on it.

It will only get worse as time goes on if you don't set up your boundaries. I got divorced the first time around because my boundaries were violated for the last time. 

For me, I have to ask why do I attract guys that think it's ok to treat me like crap? Sometimes I think it's because my dad always treated me that way, and that's the first guy you are exposed to growing up. I have alot of patience at first, and can take quite alot. But, once I'm done, I'm done. I have walked away from other relationships and never looked back. 

My husband knows this about me, so in a way, I do feel alot of his behavior is because of his own insecurities. It's almost as if he is setting himself up for a failed marriage because he cannot control his temper and the bad things he says. It's actually scarier for him to think that I will leave without looking back, even though he pretends the opposite. Mine has said "I can divorce you tomorrow and it wouldn't bother me a bit. I've been divorced before, so it's easy to do. I won't commit suicide over you." 

When I told him I felt the same way about him, his reply was "Oh, bully for you then." He then got really mad over me repeating back the same comment! I said it and walked out of the room.

Try not to let him wear down your self esteem. I have to fight everyday to maintain mine and to get it back to where it used to be. 

Good luck, and I hope your situation gets better soon.

Flower


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## Nekko

> His problem is that he gets upset very very easily over very small things. He blows a lot of things out of proportion and he just cant handle conflict very well.
> I am the opposite and am very calm and patient. I help balance him out very well and can often calm him down. But obviously I cannot do this all of the time. We are working on communicating between the 2 of us and it is a work in progress. My problem- and why I am posting on here- is that it has involved my friends a few times and I am really upset.


I can completely relate to this. It's a yin yang type of relationship with you being calm, relatively happy and optimistic and him being the impulsive, rather angry and slightly pesimistic one. Me and my husband are exactly the same and to be completely honest I love it this way. 


> He was trying to stick up for me but it put me in a very uncomfortable position.


Yes, but still his intention was to defend you which is what most husbands should do. I would personally apreciate that and put my spouse higher than my friends as importance. That's just me. 


> He believed as my husband he had the right to speak up when he saw me hurt. But since he handles conflict inappropriately, it came out the wrong way and made things worse. My friend was obviously offended by his words, and thought he had no place getting involved.


He's partially right and you're partially right, the way i see things. If I were you i would explain to my friends how my husband is like that, has a shorter temper, and tell them that a sincere friend will accept you completely (as in with husband and all). As bothersome as it may be to be offended and insulted, if they are true friends they really can just ignore him and be nice for your sake. Specially if they know that's just the way he is and that he has a temper. He was your choice as a husband, they don't live with him, so they should accept that and you just the way things are. 



> Now my friends are offended by his snides remarks, which of course they should be, and may not come in to celebrate NYE with us.


Again, same opinion. If your friends are true friends and open minded people they will accept you and him for who you really are. They also should really not take it so personal. 


> I feel like I keep having the same talks with him- to think before he speaks, that words can be hurtful, to watch his tone of voice.


My husband personally thinks words are just words, and even if they are hurtful, that people shouldn't take it so personal. Yours is probably the same and probably believes that he would rather be honest than polite. 


> I also hate that now my friends think he is an ******* and I dont understand why he has to blow everything out of proportion.


Your friends, are your friends. As i said before, if they suddenly give up being friends with you because of how your husband behaves, i wouldn't see them as such good friends. Telling them 'look, this is just the way he is, temperamental...and i love him and he's my spouse, so why don't you try deal with it somehow' should do the trick. After all, they are all adults, they shouldn't have such huge problems of going over a couple of sarcastic remarks unless they have really really thin skin and get offended really very easily. They don't like him? Fine, but they like you and they are your friend. They can actually put up with him for your sake. 

You could also tell your husband something along the lines of 'look, i know they are annoying sometimes, and i know you like to support me and take my side, but please try to at least fake being more polite around them for my sake'. This may also work to at least a small extent.


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## RachelLaura

Wow- thank you so much for all of the advice! I want to clarify some things about my husband's temper. He is not controlling about things I wear, or if I go out with friends.

It's more like little things that I tend to think are really stupid to dwell on. One of our constant fights is him nitpicking things I do around the house- this dish wasn't cleaned very well, you moved my papers around in the office, you didn't take the dog on a long enough walk. I have enough self esteem to not let it get me down, I know I am doing everything I need to do around the house. It's just ANNOYING! 

And to the person who said they can relate because they are the optimistic, calm one in the relationship and their husband is more short-tempered and pessimistic, YES!!!! Thats our relationship in a nutshell. We are yin and yang. I can be idealistic and he brings me down to earth. I calm him down and help him look at the brighter side. But sometimes his pessimism is just annoying and whiny. 

He has always been like this. His sister told me he's actually gotten a bit better since he met me.


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## Nekko

RachelLaura said:


> Wow- thank you so much for all of the advice! I want to clarify some things about my husband's temper. He is not controlling about things I wear, or if I go out with friends.
> 
> It's more like little things that I tend to think are really stupid to dwell on. One of our constant fights is him nitpicking things I do around the house- this dish wasn't cleaned very well, you moved my papers around in the office, you didn't take the dog on a long enough walk. I have enough self esteem to not let it get me down, I know I am doing everything I need to do around the house. It's just ANNOYING!
> 
> And to the person who said they can relate because they are the optimistic, calm one in the relationship and their husband is more short-tempered and pessimistic, YES!!!! Thats our relationship in a nutshell. We are yin and yang. I can be idealistic and he brings me down to earth. I calm him down and help him look at the brighter side. But sometimes his pessimism is just annoying and whiny.
> 
> He has always been like this. His sister told me he's actually gotten a bit better since he met me.


Aham. Opposites attract. A more temperamental impulsive person will generally only go well with a calm person. 2x impulsive and angry in the same relationship are a good recipe for domestic violence, alcoholism and divorce if you ask me. Most cases anyway. 

Yeah, i have the problem with the dishes too. What i do is try to keep in the good mood all the time (which isn't hard since i generally am like that naturally) and make fun of him when stuff like this happens. 'Dishes not clean enough? Should i lick them so that they're cleaner? Would you find that sexy or annoying'?. Makes for good fun and the nice kind of arguement that results in sticking our tonges out to eachother and spanking...instead of two bitter people with crossed arms not talking to eachother. 

Tough part is when i have a bad day, because i find it unfair for him to keep being angry. I wish he at least had my approach (humour). But yeah, that's just something i have to live with. 

We take turns in being idealistic and bringing eachother back down. I'm idealistic when it comes to spiritual stuff, he's like that with material crap ('d'ya think i can have this iphone? so what if we have 5 phones lying around the house already?):rofl:.

And yes, i know how sometimes they can be a handful, but no two people on earth get along every single day for years, unless they are living countries apart or something. So i basically consider myself lucky for what I have.


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## kinky

a little late response but i am so HAPPY you posted that (i have a thread too here but its a little diffrent because i didnt know how to explain my H very well.)

My H is almost exactly the same its amazing!!!

Nitpicking until you think you are going out of your mind! but he is so nice else where makes you think you are wrong all the time.

Since im with my H i feel like im running out of friends. he has something to say about everything and judges my way of dealing with problems.

Thanks for all the help on this thread it helped me a lot to learn how to deal with mine.

i think my H is border-line controlling and im still checking it before kids.

unfortunately, marriage is not fun its work.

i hope it works out for you RachelLaura!!!


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## girlinhelp

My husband is verbally very abusive. He calls names and yells on small things. Our fight is like one way traffic. He does all the talking and yelling and doesnot let me talk or explain the suitation. Its been 7 years we are married. From the day one he was abusive verbally and physically. He is in United states for 21 years now. Iam not from US and came here after i got married. He wanted me to learn everything as quickly as i can. There was lot of cultural difference from where i came from , but mu husband didnt have any patience. He started abusing me and making me feel iam worthless. Iam not capable of doing anything. Let me tell u all that iam a doctor. When ever i thought of leaving him my mother and sister convinced me not to proceed with this thought of mine. Iam very unhappy. Do u think this marriage is worth trying for. I needed to take if off my chest.


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## sisters359

OP, of course it's "not that bad"--yet. But the kinds of things he's commenting on and his temper are very common at first and can escalate if you don't set boundaries and insist on them being respected. You can defuse his intrusion with humor, but let him know, "this is my decision, my choice, my friend, my battle," whatever it is. You need to pay attention to the other women who have been in those relationships and have seen it escalate. Maybe he isn't demeaning your clothing choices now, but who is to say he won't in a few years if you don't make it very clear to him that you do not need or want his opinion on some things, and if you do, you'll ask. 

Your husband can take your side all he wants-with you. But the "defending you" thing is way out of line unless someone is insulting you to his face. It sounds like teen-aged behavior, frankly, and it implies the other adult-you-is not as capable of taking care of herself and needs someone to defend her.


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## Nekko

girlinhelp said:


> My husband is verbally very abusive. He calls names and yells on small things. Our fight is like one way traffic. He does all the talking and yelling and doesnot let me talk or explain the suitation. Its been 7 years we are married. From the day one he was abusive verbally and physically.


Why do you let him? Don't talk, or explain. Try a different approach. Smile, make fun, tell him you know he's right but you don't like to be yelled at....try anything else other than what you're doing now for a couple of times and see what happens.

He might naturally be verbally abusive and there are some men out there who are like that. The trick is to make em understand that doesn't work with you. This is obviously not done by fighting and yelling. They already have a master's degree in fighting. Men are strong and agressive, women have tempered them with kindness humor and love for ages, despite that agressiveness. Think about that and how you can apply it to your own relationship. After you've tried something for a period of time, only then you can decide if it's worth saving the marriage.


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## fizzickschick

Life is not always gonna give you what you want. But marriage is for life. See it as an opportunity for your own character building. My husband and I both have a problem with our tempers, he loves to push my buttons and I let him. I know better now than to get dragged into it. After 12 years of marriage and driving our 11 year old son crazy. So its like putting on a costume for a play. "fake it till you feel it" only, I rely on God to make me feel it, and He always comes through. Its amazing how far we have come. But I have to remember, I need to put on my costume. I can't tell you how many times I have typed up a snarky text and deleted it, or an email. It is good to overlook a transgression. I have a lot of healthy boundaries now, that I didn't use to have. He doesn't even know my debit card number now. Every marriage has its challenges. The first one to tackle is by yourself. To pray. And to ask God to help you trust Him. You might need to go through a few boxes of Kleenex and a couple if journals before you get to a healthy level, but its worth the fight. Even if you don't have children. The bitterness is too much to carry. And I firmly believe in let no man put asunder. Its God's world, I play by His rules 😊


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread... it's 7 years old and the OP is long gone.


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