# What if he is incapable of filling my needs?



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

What if my H is just unable to fulfill my needs? I need to be validated. I need to feel like my concerns matter.

What if my H can never give that to me? 

Yesterday I came very close to telling H that I don't love him anymore. Today I just feel like quitting. 
I know I can't keep this all bottled up inside, but I don't know how to discuss my issues in a way that will be validated rather than dismissed. I also want my concerns acted upon. 
MC made me feel worse about our relationship, btw. Too much talking and not enough action.

I hate this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why would you pull back from saying you don't love him? Is it true or were you just trying to wound him? If it's true then........so?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

notaname said:


> What if my H is just unable to fulfill my needs? I need to be validated. I need to feel like my concerns matter.
> 
> What if my H can never give that to me?
> 
> ...



Have you don't any individual sessions?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'm sure he's able but maybe a little dense. Maybe a lot. Take initiative and some acting lessons. Get what you want

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Our last couple sessions were him alone and me alone for part of the time.

Part of what kept me from saying it is children still awake and around. Part of what kept me from saying it is that you can't EVER take back words. Plus, I feel that it would run counter to my "rekindle" efforts.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Notaname

I'm in the same boat with you. My H has told me he can't, and won't give me what I need. He then turns it around as if I'm demanding the impossible, and I'm in the wrong.

This is ruining our marriage. It also is effecting my happiness, and health.


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## second timer (Mar 22, 2011)

This is a toughy. You can't force love, ya know? Either it's there or it isn't unfortunately. Once a woman stops loving a man it practically takes an act of Congress to turn it around. Especially a man who doesn't seem as concerned as he should be about losing you. My feeling is that you want to tell him this to REALLY get his attention but that you know you're right in saying that once it's said it can never be taken back. 

Not sure if I would go quite THAT far if I were you. Tread lightly and best of luck to you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Depends on if those needs are deal breakers or not.

We all have things about our spouses that grate on our nerves, piss us off and generally just make us feel unloved and unwanted.

The trick is deciding what your boundaries are and what needs are important enough that you can't give a little and compromise.

If the need to feel validated is a deal breaker for you, then if you husband can't or won't meet that need - then you have a decision to make.

We all have to compromise with those we love (spouses, family, friends, etc.), because hey - nobody is perfect and going to be able to give us everything we need 100%, 24/7 - impossible for anyone, we are all human after all.

Why not make a list of pros and cons of being married to your husband.

Take time to praise or recognize the pros - could be that you are lacking in this area also. Let him know that you appreciate the pros that keep you in the marriage.

Then look at the cons and rate them on priority.

Take that priority list and list them as 'I can compromise (and how)', 'I can learn to live with this (and how)', and 'This is a deal breaker and why'.

Then you can have a well thought-out conversation with your husband about what exactly your needs are and why and how he can meet them, instead of using generalized statements such as "you never compliment me" - never - probably not - but there was an expectation for a compliment in a certain situation and he didn't meet that particular need at that time.

Men tend to work better with specifics versus generalizations.

And, since they only use one side of their brain - keep it short - use bullet statements in your conversation like you would in a talking paper. Statement - "You do not validate me" - How - "You dismissed my idea to improve the car pool for the children as stupid" - Result - "This made me feel as though I were stupid, when I wasn't - I need you to listen to me so that I feel I'm being heard, even if we don't use my ideas."

Gosh - I'm learning a lot here at TAM! HA


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## second timer (Mar 22, 2011)

Oh yeah I LOVE the bullet point comment. We like those.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

4sure said:


> Notaname
> 
> I'm in the same boat with you. My H has told me he can't, and won't give me what I need. He then turns it around as if I'm demanding the impossible, and I'm in the wrong.
> 
> This is ruining our marriage. It also is effecting my happiness, and health.


Go to my thread "When do you know it's time to go and/or give up" and click on the link provided by AFEH concerning the four stages of a marriage breakdown.

Very interesting read and it talks about rehashing the same issues over and over again and thinking that if this and that was being met I would be happy - it's all his/her fault. These are issues of values and not being on the same page as individuals and need to be looked at from a different perspective.

If not, then hate and contempt move in and after they move in - stage four and a total marriage breakdown is on the horizon.

Good information.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Depends on if those needs are deal breakers or not.
> 
> Gosh - I'm learning a lot here at TAM! HA


Me too. Great post, thanks!

I don't really know how to decide if something is a dealbreaker. I guess that is the issue.
What if I just have to go to other friends to get validation. Willl that be enough? Maybe.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You can lay out your requirements. If he can't 'meet' them or won't or doesn't know how or doesn't care, that's your answer, isn't it? What you do with that answer is your next issue. You have to look at the totality of it, the holistic issue. If your husband was physically challenged but wanted to try other things to make up for some of that that would be one tack. But if he were physically challenged and told you 'eh sucks to be you!' that would be something else. 

With my wife there's nothing physical or organically wrong with her. But she has clearly and in no uncertain terms said point blank, no sex, no how, never, go away. She has told me to my face she doesn't like me as a person, man or husband. That what she wants from me is someone to do chores and pay for stuff and stand around to listen to her fume and rage (I paraphrased that part). And that's it. Basically she wants an employee to her angry crazy boss. 

Is there any semblance of hope in there? I seriously doubt it. Is it filling a need? It's filling a material need, a logistical need. And I know that persecuted martyr that she is, she'll never leave and she'll never stop holding up her end, whatever that consists of be it running the house or whatnot. But as far as fulfilling any spiritual, emotional, physical, marital need or even being friends; nope. Not gonna happen. 

You have to decide for yourself what you're willing to live with.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dog,

Why are you ok with it?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's better than nothing. Anyway I'm ruined for normal relationships so there aren't other better futures.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's better than nothing. Anyway I'm ruined for normal relationships so there aren't other better futures.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YOU are only ruined if you CHOOSE to be.

People cannot control us or our behavior unless we let them.

It sounds like you have chosen to accept your lot in life and let your wife continue to run it and you.

YOU do have the choice to leave, but the choice is entirely yours.

If my husband told me - seriously - that he didn't like me as a wife or woman and didn't want me around for anything but financial support and helping around the house - I can tell you right now - I would not stay.

I've put up with a lot, due to my husband's medical issues, but I stay because I love him and he loves me. If that were to change, I'd be outta there so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

This is terribly sad and I wished you would consider leaving and living a life that you want full of happiness and love. It's never too late and you can choose to be a different person with the next woman and not let your current wife dictate your future like she did your past.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

second timer said:


> Oh yeah I LOVE the bullet point comment. We like those.


I know and it's very hard for us.

But, I'm trying...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

notaname said:


> Me too. Great post, thanks!
> 
> I don't really know how to decide if something is a dealbreaker. I guess that is the issue.
> What if I just have to go to other friends to get validation. Willl that be enough? Maybe.


Perhaps.

That's what I was referring to when I said make a list and determine what is a deal breaker and what you can live with and compromise on.

Only YOU can decide what a deal breaker is.

For some, it's issues that others would consider minor and for others it's issues that some would consider major.

Depends on you, take some time and think about everything that is good and bad in your marriage and what you can do to compromise and live with those that are not THAT important to you and what are deal breakers that you need to discuss with your husband.

Could it be that your husband does validate you - but not in the love language where you can 'hear' it?

Check out the Five Love Languages - maybe he's just not reaching/meeting yours because he doesn't know how.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah I think it is. I don't know what a normal adult relationship looks like. It wouldn't turn out well. It's like people who were in prison for 30 years and they get out and they can't cope with not being incarcerated so they rob a store for $10 to go back.


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