# Just like that, she was gone!



## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Hello all, I have followed the posts here for months seeking answers from contributors with situations similar to mine. Some come close but I have a strange mix of circumstances that culminated in "the perfect storm"!

I will do my best to be right to the point.

My wife and I married after dating almost a year, I am her third but my first marriage. There was almost no time from her divorce of HB2 to me. She has a son that was 11 at the time. 

We have been married just over two years, so relationship wise it's three years. We had been having some issues in our marriage with nit picking and some anger issues on both sides of the fence. My relationship with my stepson was good but not great. He has a way of manipulating her and usually I end up getting the short end of the stick by getting in a disagreement with her.

October I leave town for work, I'm gone a week, in the middle of the night I get a phone call from my father-in-law. His wife just had a stroke and he can't get in touch with my wife. Turns out she had taken a pain pill for back trouble and was out cold! After several attempts I woke her, got her heading to hospital. She didn't make it in time and she never got to say goodbye to her mom. The very next day they would have been married for 51 years! She had been diagnosed a month earlier with congestive heart failure.

My wife called me from the hospital, crying and heart broken. "Please come home!" Of course I would, I caught the next flight out of town, called work and invoked family medical leave.

The next week was spent almost full time with her and her dad, there was other family and we took turns staying with him. After 10 days we had a memorial service for her mom. She had been growing distant and was taking turns with her sister sleeping at Dads house so he wouldn't be alone.

Less than a week after her moms memorial, she proclaimed that she and her son, who she has 50% week on week off custody with, we're going to move in with dad and we were separating :scratchhead:

I didn't understand why, she said it was to figure some things out. I supported this not for the separation, but for the dad who was so lost after the death of his 51 year spouse! After a month and a half of pretty minimal contact they made arrangements for a full time live in (another person). I fully expected her to move back home. I had used up all leave and had to go back to work. I asked her to move home and take care of the house and the dogs while I was gone and we would discuss how to proceed when I got back with reconciling.

I received the phone bill and saw that her normal texting of about 1000 between work, other friends and myself, had skyrocketed to 5700!!!
I pulled the numbers, saw 4 common ones, two old high school buddies that have both been through divorce, an old interest that lives 100 miles away, and a new number. Turns out this guy works in her building, in her division. I got pissed, confronted her about it, she said he is "just a friend" pffft, I might have been born at night but it wasn't last night!!!

I got so worked up I called the guy and told him to stay away from my family and wife! Stopped just short of threatening him. A couple days later I get a text from her furious at me for confronting her friend. How dare I do that, she says I have cost her friends before by doing similar things. So not one week later I find out this POS had Christmas Eve dinner with my wife and extended family at my father in laws house. She told everybody that he was just a friend and had no family in town and nowhere to go for dinner. 

She told me while I was out of town that she was going to move into her condo (that magically vacated a long term tenant) and renovated it to the tune of 14,000! When I returned from work the house was almost like a cave, everything of hers was gone, some of my stuff too! 

While I was gone, she renovated and went into debt, sold a year and a half old vehicle at a consignment lot for a 12,000 loss and abandoned her two year old dog on me (I have a five year old of the same breed) saying she didn't care what I did with the dog but she didn't want it anymore.

Since returning to town she has distanced herself from me, selectively answering text. We see each other and it could be a good day (the wife I knew) or a bad day (this untruthful sneaky person). 

Time to go to work again, another two weeks out of town, after the first week she emails me dissolution paperwork:scratchhead:
I thought we were separated and working on our marriage? She says that she has been trying for three years and the trust is broken (presumably from two bad arguments we had 8 months prior where we both got physical enough for a couple bruises)

Now she says she is just DONE and wants out of the marriage, says the boy has anger and hates me, says they never want to come back. (She said I could talk to him but conveniently does not allow it to happen)

I'm not stupid, I see what is going on. I see them car pool together. I know that she hangs out at the bar with him on Friday (she didn't used to do that, Fridays were relax at home and unwind evenings) but now I'm torn. I have read a lot trying to improve myself and am in IC. She would not go to MC. Flat out refused.

I think she is in clinical depression and is not making very good decisions. This seems to be supported by her long time friends. 

Question I'd like an answer to, and I have been struggling with is what to do about it? I have tried everything I can think of, the no contact, still in the middle of the 180, IC, and still she pushes me away at every turn. 

Today I left town for work again. I signed the dissolution papers and had them notarized two days ago and asked her to come over and get the last of her stuff. I had her mail, the paperwork and a "parting gift" she got pissed at the parting gift part, promised to come by, no show two days in a row. I left all the stuff in her garage and told her where to find it. When I got on the plane today I texted her "goodbye ---- I love you!" As in have a nice life!
Her reply? "Have a nice trip ....there is still love":scratchhead:

OMG! So here I lay my story in your capable hands for advice and comment. Don't pull any punches.... I've been kicked in the sack by this so many times I am numb....

Thank you in advance for any wisdom you can offer!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Dont marry a woman who has already been married twice. Was there cheating involved in those marriages? Did you have an affair with her?

What did u expect? She is a woman who cannot settle down to one man, and she cannot be alone, so she always has another one the hook, before she exits.

Some people are not meant for marriage. She is one.

Frankly, with the abuse and disrespect you both have thrown at eachother, you need to ask yourself why you want to stay. You seem desperate and women hate that in a man.

Also you are on the road alot. And you need a very loyal spousd for that. You never had that. And this may not be the first affair.

Get tested for STD's.

You could expose the affair and maybe that will work. But i doubt it.

You were used to be a meal ticket for her family. 
My advice is to simply accept this.

She is damaged and you cannot make her love you.

You have no kids with her. Get some IC, and move on.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

I would continue to do what you are doing.do the 180,let the divorce papers go through and you got her stuff out of the house.you have no kids with her except step son so you don't have to have to talk to her about your children.you said you had no contact with her then don't text her you love her.as for the dog I would keep it because it will be more loyal to you than your wife has been.let the divorce proceedings continue,maybe she will wake up.good luck to you.
N


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How much of your stuff did she steal? In her twisted rewrite of history you have used and abused her. So, she was just getting even. Her cheating made her feel better. Thereaputic sex.

Son confused? Never mind you can swap stepdads.

In fact, why don't contact his father to ask him what's up. You might gain some insight.

Your WW sounds disordered in the head. You are better off without her. You will find another woman. The question is will you repeat this history of emotional dependence with a dysfunctional person. You need ask yourself why you were attracted to this person.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

illwill said:


> Dont marry a woman who has already been married twice. Was there cheating involved in those marriages? Did you have an affair with her?
> 
> What did u expect? She is a woman who cannot settle down to one man, and she cannot be alone, so she always has another one the hook, before she exits.
> 
> ...


No affair there. We had everything in common, life goals were the same!

Normally my work is in town and I am home every night, this is not normal travel for work. She liked having the house to herself but after a few days missed me and always was happy for me to come home. 

The abuse on my part came from letting my wife bait me after I had a few to many beers and she had found the bottom of a bottle of wine. So for MYSELF and being a better man for this relationship or the next I quit drinking the day after Christmas and have not touched a drop since!


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> How much of your stuff did she steal? In her twisted rewrite of history you have used and abused her. So, she was just getting even. Her cheating made her feel better. Thereaputic sex.
> 
> Son confused? Never mind you can swap stepdads.
> 
> ...


That is exactly the problem I am having Long Walk, she is dysfunctional right now and in what I think is clinical depression after her mom died. I in no way condone her leaving the marriage, I still am perplexed as to why she left. We had a good life! If you have problems in a marriage you should be willing to sit down with your spouse, IC, MC whatever it takes to get it back on track! She says she is leaving for her sons sake.... Uhhhh is that so he doesn't have to listen to stepdad making him toe the line and be responsible :rofl:


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

You can't fix stupid. But you can leave the stupid.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> I think she is in clinical depression and is not making very good decisions. This seems to be supported by her long time friends.


 - She doesn't sound depressed - she's too motivated and sociable. 
- Got herself all nicely set up for her move - at your expense.
- It appears as if she was planning it for a long time.
- I think she decided to leave you and THEN had an affair, not the other way around. 
- Renovated 'her' condo, sold the car without you her HUSBAND knowing? 
- She has sailed her own ship for a long time and just kept dropping surprises on you 
- Told you she was leaving - having prepared in advance - and didn't seem to even consider R
- OM - she works & carpools with him, hangs out with him in bars, 5000 texts instead of her usual 1000?
- She's leaving you, H#3 and has OM lined up - as usual.
- She doesn't care what happens her dog and just dumps it on you. Sheesh! I'm glad I'm not her dog!
- Her son may be manipulative but his Mom takes the biscuit. 
- She may have narcissistic tendencies. They have 2 heads.They also tend to be most charming people you meet, thus 3 husbands. 
- She has zero remorse. In fact she defended OM. 
- You have done 180, IC & MC but it hasn't helped. Not much else you can do.
- I'm so sorry but I can see no positive in this at all.

If post D she tries to crawl back and R, I wouldn't even think about doing it. People like her are 'crazy-making' to be with. You need to get as far away as possible from her and be around normal people again. And yes, do have some heavy duty IC as you were in a very abusive situation but didn't realise it. 

I'm really really sorry you have had to go through all this.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

WHERE I live they say: ther is'nt two without three......
Just to say that making mistakes is human.... but keep doing them is diabolik


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

congrats on being sober.
it will make your new life without her even better.

good luck.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Your a lucky man to find all this craziness out in 3 years.. 

For many of us including myself it took upwards of 19 years.. 

I know its hard.. But just walk away.. 

I'm a man and I wouldn't take my wife hitting me.. Granted I took more sh1t from her instead.. But you live and learn.. 

Go to therapy as you have some issues you need to sort out for yourself and make yourself a better person for the next woman you meet. 

Woman make their choices long before they take action. Women are more likely NOT to come back once a decisions is made.. 

You think it took her a few weeks to make this decision ? Absolutely not.. 

She made this MONTHS AND MONTHS AGO... Probably 8 months ago.. 

I cannot imagine anyone telling you to go back to her..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You wonder why she's leaving the marriage? Because she found another man and has been cheating on you. How long had she been texting him? I'd probably want to know that for my own piece of mind, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter so much the timing of what she did. She's still a cheater and she's re-writing your marital history to justify it to herself and others.

At best, she's probably thinking that she can rely on you as a plan B option - should the A go south.

If it were me, I'd try to find out as much as I could about the POSOM, then expose him and your wife. I'd list him on cheaterville.com as well.

Then, go dark on her. Don't talk to her, she can talk to your attorney. Move on with your life, finish the D and be thankful you don't have children with her.

Sorry you're here.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sometimes people use negative emotions as an excuse to push themselves into actions or situations that they want to do but don't think they could otherwise get away with. I think that is what she has done. Her father's death has acted almost as a motivator for her to explore the forbidden desires she had for her coworker. 

She's done everything she can to cut you out and move on. This is not a temporary fling. She's done with you. You should take this opportunity to get out while you can, before she realizes that she can still milk you for more money and affection if she feels like it later.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

it over. act like it over.

move on. take her dog to the pound. and never look back.

harsh but I think you already knew this.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Finish the divorce, do the 180, NC, and you dodged a bullet by not having kids with her.

Run away from her as far as you can.

Exercise, and do things for yourself. No more contact at all with her. Find happiness in your life and make it far away from her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I bet that if you really got into her head, if you heard how she really thinks, how she reasons, you would be horrified. I bet her rationales and justifications are tangential to any norm, the sort of justifications that make you tilt your head and say, 'Eh, what?'

You married someone you don't really know and now you are seeing how she really behaves. You don't know how she really thinks, but you can observe her actions. Her behavior tells you that she is not stable enough to be married, in my opinion.

I think you are doing the right thing. 180, divorce, move on.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If anything, file and if she took your property, tell her that you want it back and if you have to, go to her home with a cop and get your stuff back.

After that, chalk it up as a huge mistake on your part and don't make it again. Sooner or later she'll get paid back in spades.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

cool12 said:


> congrats on being sober.
> it will make your new life without her even better.
> 
> good luck.


Thank You! It has made a huge difference in making better decisions and having more patience. Also way easier to let the little stuff go!
:smthumbup:


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> I bet that if you really got into her head, if you heard how she really thinks, how she reasons, you would be horrified. I bet her rationales and justifications are tangential to any norm, the sort of justifications that make you tilt your head and say, 'Eh, what?'
> 
> You married someone you don't really know and now you are seeing how she really behaves. You don't know how she really thinks, but you can observe her actions. Her behavior tells you that she is not stable enough to be married, in my opinion.
> 
> I think you are doing the right thing. 180, divorce, move on.


I guess I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she appeared normal in most all respects until her mother died, then everything went haywire! We had a good life going! Sure it had its ups and downs but dont they all?

You are correct in that every action she is doing right now is 90 degrees off normal.

She posted this yesterday on Faceplant, "Change is good...but there's always pain...going forward with a new chapter in life is energizing, scary, sad, exciting, satisfying, painful, every emotion in the book...am I doing the right thing? Yes...when you know what is the most important thing in your life is and would die to protect it...you know you made the right decision"

I dont think that changing houses yet again is any kind of positive for the 14 year old. She says he has a lot of anger now...She is leaving for him, we didn't have a great relationship, I never made him a priority...No, I didn't, I made my WIFE the priority, just as I feel she should be making our marriage the priority now! I can only imagine he thinks his mom failed yet again. But since she wants to be his friend and not his mother, he has no limitations or boundrys with rules. :scratchhead:


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You can not really rationalize the thoughts of a crazy person. I don't think I would start trying now. It sounds like you are already on the right track of moving on with your life I would stick with that and not look back. 

It sucks you are going through this but at least you are almost done so that is the positive side to look at. 

Clay


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Perfectstorm said:


> She posted this yesterday on Faceplant, "Change is good...but there's always pain...going forward with a new chapter in life is energizing, scary, sad, exciting, satisfying, painful, every emotion in the book...am I doing the right thing? Yes...when you know what is the most important thing in your life is and would die to protect it...you know you made the right decision"


So's she's intimating to the world, that she left you to protect her son.

Were it me, I'd make it first priority to find out about this POSOM and expose both of them just as publicly. But do it in a calm, factual, matter of fact style. She needs her @ss busted.

Usually I would only recommend putting the AP on cheaterville. But in your wife's case, I'll make an exception.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She is telling everyone she did this to save her son from you. Contact some of her family that like you and see what she is telling them. That's why she wont let you talk to her son. God knows what she is telling him.

Have you been telling people she left you because she found a boyfriend? You can play the facebook game too and out them both, especially if she is now trying to make you look like a child abuser.

Out him to his family too. Let them know he has broken up a marriage and is now dating a cheater.
Put him on cheaterville.com and send him and her the link and the google link too.

Check all your phone records and see how far back and how many men she has been cheating with.

Get yourself tested for stds, put that on facebook as well.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

trying to multi quote the 2 above me. hope it works.

All I can say is, damn straight. She is fully setting up the perception that you abused her son in some way. Run forrest, run!!!

In all seriousness (as if suggesting child abuse is not serious), how old are you? If you are young, working, healthy, sober. Cut this off quick. Chaulk it up to a horrible life experience and work on identifying normal, sane, preferably not 3x divorced women. Find one, marry one, treat her like a queen, have lots of kids and grand kids and then look back with your wife and chuckle about the time you were married to a crazy person before you 2 met.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

badmemory said:


> So's she's intimating to the world, that she left you to protect her son.
> 
> Were it me, I'd make it first priority to find out about this POSOM and expose both of them just as publicly. But do it in a calm, factual, matter of fact style. She needs her @ss busted.
> 
> Usually I would only recommend putting the AP on cheaterville. But in your wife's case, I'll make an exception.





Chaparral said:


> She is telling everyone she did this to save her son from you. Contact some of her family that like you and see what she is telling them. That's why she wont let you talk to her son. God knows what she is telling him.
> 
> Have you been telling people she left you because she found a boyfriend? You can play the facebook game too and out them both, especially if she is now trying to make you look like a child abuser.
> 
> ...



damn, thats how you multi quote


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I wouldnt read her facebook or any other social media. If you dont read it, it cant hurt you. Work on yourself. Get fit and get your mind in the right place. You will be better off in the end. I know you are hurt, and the hurt is going to last for awhile, but if you can manage to detach, you will be better off in the long run.

Best wishes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Seriously, the oldest trick in the 'hindsight justification' book is to scream abuse. In your case, she's making not-so-veiled references to something you've done to her son. Tell people the truth when you have the opportunity, but don't get defensive about it. I would stay far away from her if I were you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> Seriously, the oldest trick in the 'hindsight justification' book is to scream abuse... I would stay far away from her if I were you.


:iagree:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to get in front of this bs about protecting her son from you.

Expose the affair.

Then.

Let this nut go. She is at sunk cost. Move on. Her and her kid are not your problem.

And she was always like this. She hide herself.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> She is telling everyone she did this to save her son from you. Contact some of her family that like you and see what she is telling them. That's why she wont let you talk to her son. God knows what she is telling him.
> 
> Have you been telling people she left you because she found a boyfriend? You can play the facebook game too and out them both, especially if she is now trying to make you look like a child abuser.
> 
> ...


I talked with her Father, He said she has not told him anything and it was news to him that we are at the dissoloution phase of the marriage! The sister has taken up ranks with the other camp insanity. 
There was never any abuse of the boy! Never even spanked him! I did get into some rather one sided yelling contests when he blew off my roll as man of the house and decided to not respect the adults in the house or the rules!

Cant check the cell phone anymore, she removed herself and the boy off the family plan the first of January. I have no idea how much they communicate now! 

I wanted to save this marriage so badly in the beginning, after the continued lack of respect and give a crap coming from her i really dont know anymore...

Most if not all of you that have taken your time and provided good insight, show me that I am on a fools errand. That may indeed be the case, but until the mind catches up to the heart im stuck trying to make sense of it all. In the beginning I didn't wish her any ill will. The more she is disrespectful, secretive and decietful, my heart is hardening and the drawbridge over the moat to the heart is going up!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Reread Moonshadows post. Memorize it.

********** consider this me liking that post twice!

Find whats going on in your head to consider a 2x divorcee without a MUCH longer engagement. Im actually less anti-relationship than many here but there is no substitute for time. She wants the ring and ticks all the boxes? FINE, "Will you marry me" here is your ring, you are now a fully claimed and ringed woman (Dont mean this disrepsectful but many women look at themselves as "Harry Browns (or whatever) Woman") by the way the wedding is a year away...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Oh yeah VAR on yourself at all times. She is GONNA try the DV charges almost guaranteed!


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Reread Moonshadows post. Memorize it.
> 
> ********** consider this me liking that post twice!
> 
> Find whats going on in your head to consider a 2x divorcee without a MUCH longer engagement. Im actually less anti-relationship than many here but there is no substitute for time. She wants the ring and ticks all the boxes? FINE, "Will you marry me" here is your ring, you are now a fully claimed and ringed woman (Dont mean this disrepsectful but many women look at themselves as "Harry Browns (or whatever) Woman") by the way the wedding is a year away...


:iagree: We did wait and date for a year but maybe I should have held out longer. Truthfuly, at the time, I never thought I would have ever found the perfect match for me and I was elated! I held out all these years and finally found the one......I am beginning to see now that I may have gotton played and that both hurts extremely deeply and makes me feel angry towards her!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just noticed Alaska.

Rough sex ration there for men.

Sometimes you will just get played.

Sounds like you are getting it together some. Realize the basket cases we get on occasion.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Why did other marriages fail?


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

illwill said:


> Why did other marriages fail?


She was in a 12 year marriage that produced her son, while she was pregnant with her second child she got sick with viral encephalitus and was struck into a coma for 3 months. Before she came out of the coma it is my understanding that the husband was given a choice, your wife or the child, they terminated the pregnancy and she made a recovery. He was never able to move back into the roll of husband and was stuck in the roll of caregiver. I dont know the details but aparently there was indiscretion on both sides and they divorced. 

HB#2 She said was a rebound and she never really loved him. Claimed it was a big mistake. That marriage lasted all of 9 months.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

It seemed that she had left all those previous marriage problems behind. We had a good life with a lot of happiness ahead, Hell we just had our belated honeymoon last February. 

And then reality sinks in, I bought her nice things for Christmas, wrapped them nicely and put them under the tree where she was celebrating Christmas day at her dads house. Christmas day I get a text "thank you for the useful gifts." Whaaaa?? I was chopped at the knees! I asked if there were still any gifts to open when I got home from my work assignment in January. "If you asking me if I got you anything the answer is no!"

You forum gals and guys are edging through the fog she cast over me. I cant understand still though why this all came on when her mom died, it truely perplexes me


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Perfectstorm said:


> I asked if there were still any gifts to open when I got home from my work assignment in January. "If you asking me if I got you anything the answer is no!"
> 
> You forum gals and guys are edging through the fog she cast over me. I cant understand still though why this all came on when her mom died, it truely perplexes me


That's one stone cold beeotch.

I can't answer the question about why then. But if you investigate the OM to expose him, perhaps you'll find out.

There is one silver lining to this though OP; you don't have to worry with any uncertainty about how to approach this.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> I think she is in clinical depression and is not making very good decisions. This seems to be supported by her long time friends.


So f'in what? Divorce her(or get an annulment) now while the gettin' is good, or you WILL regret it.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

vellocet said:


> So f'in what? Divorce her(or get an annulment) now while the gettin' is good, or you WILL regret it.


I suppose its not the smartest thing in the world to do to continue to try with my wife...
I was raised old school. When you gave your word, it ment something, it was a bond that was not broken. I took those wedding vows and they ment something to me. She has showed me through her actions the past two years that our vows ment the same to her. Then BAM!!! :scratchhead:

I just cant wrap my head around why she thinks all of a sudden she has to cut and run, seriously, she wont even look over her shoulder, if she did there would be a smoldering devestated wasteland where nothing can survive.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Having your mother die can bring on profound changes. Your W sounds like she's ripe for dysfunction and her mother's death exacerbated things for her.

Generally, what happens is that you feel for the first time that there is really no one out there to take care of you but yourself. This is very lonely and frightening. Kind of looking at your mortality, but a bit more than that. Not to be too dramatic, but it's almost like having the cord cut permanently.

The death of a parent is one of the major triggers for a mid-life crisis, which is essentially the anxiety that comes with facing mortality.

Again, what you've told us about your W doesn't indicate that her mother's death is the cause of your troubles. It sounds more like it tipped a stability balance for her.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She has been marries 3 times for a reason.

Let her go. I sincerely hope you will look at what she has done as a strong indication that she is not married to you except in name.

Protect your remaining assets. Lawyer up.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> Having your mother die can bring on profound changes. Your W sounds like she's ripe for dysfunction and her mother's death exacerbated things for her.
> 
> Generally, what happens is that you feel for the first time that there is really no one out there to take care of you but yourself. This is very lonely and frightening. Kind of looking at your mortality, but a bit more than that. Not to be too dramatic, but it's almost like having the cord cut permanently.
> 
> ...


When she lost her mom, was one of the hardest times we have had communication wise in this marriage. It made me feel terrible that she would not confide in me as we had done for each other on everything our three years together. She shutdown on me and would not let me console her or act as a sounding board. That is when the texting TOM started and went downhill ever since.

I totaly agree with you that the scales tipped, I watched it happen like a slow motion train wreck. Like a hero or a moron I stayed on the train. Is it wrong to want to be the man with morals and be there for your wife in an obvious time of need?
Yes,
I feel deeply conflicted because I do love her to my core, a part of me wants to make sure my wife has the support and love that she needs to be able to cope with this trauma, loss and grief.
The other side of me is gaining resentment, hurt, and anger over the continued abusive actions toward me, and general lack of respect for me as her husband by having any association and garnering emotional support (maybe more) from TOM.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Perfectstorm said:


> I feel deeply conflicted because I do love her to my core, a part of me wants to make sure my wife has the support and love that she needs to be able to cope with this trauma, loss and grief.
> The other side of me is gaining resentment, hurt, and anger over the continued abusive actions toward me, and general lack of respect for me as her husband by having any association and garnering emotional support (maybe more) from TOM.


With more time, that resentment side will completely take over; and it should. The hard part is anticipating it now and acting accordingly.

Take her for the woman she has shown you she is, not who you thought she was. You owe her nothing after what she's done.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

I really poured my everything into this marriage. I'm no saint, I have found several things to make myself better through this catastrophe. Just Damn, I'm I really so blind or is this really and truly not worth the effort to save?

I understand that I can't do it alone, I really do... I guess I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that this is really happening to me! My wife, in at the very least an emotional affair, probably more  and refusing to try to make it work....just walking away...

If I seem desperate, it's because I feel that way. I want my wife and my life back. With Valentines Day quickly approaching it's gonna be tough, I know many of you here at TAM are in the same boat!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Alice Cooper has a couple of rules for successful marriage:

#1 Never marry a stripper
#2 Never marry a porn star

I have three more:
#3 Never marry a woman who has a kid you did not father
#4 Never marry a woman who is divorced
#5 Absolutely never marry a woman who is divorced twice

It is interesting how often women do their thing at weddings and funerals (or thereabouts), ain't it?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You are not a knight in shining armor. You are not her savior. She had two other marriages which failed, which I'm sure she had reasons for, all surprisingly probably had nothing to do with her, all her exes fault, now you're the third. This is what she does. 1 year or 12 years, she was always going to cut and run. Protect yourself and protect your child. Nothing else matters.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you do some investigating, I believe you will find this affair started before her mom died. If you have any access to her phone, text, and email records check that out.

From the way you describe her first two marriages, she sounds like she has some serious psychological issues.

Did you have a PC or tablet you both used? Do you know her facebook password?


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Yeah I agree, close up shop, keep your distance let the 180 go firm. If you have lawyers, let them be the distance as well. Sounds like she has been planning this maneuver for a few. No kids as well, no brainer. If your in good shape, look like you care about yourself and look confident, your sex rank goes up. Think about that. It happened with me, great feeling that. She has had too many marriages in a short span, that's a red flag to some degree. IMHO, time to think about the rest of your days and what you want. It's obvious what she wants. Good luck.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Now you have to start thinking of you. She has been one or ten! steps ahead of you since this started. 

Here's what I would do:

Get D papers and sort out the financial side immediately - as in yesterday. 

Try and find out as much information as you can about OM *discreetly*. She has already insinuated on FB that you were an abusive step-father. As Alte Dame says there's no point confronting her but you may need it if she continues her public accusations. 

You have been away and she only has her son 50% of the time. Might she have been with OM when you were away? Phone records, credit card bills might tell you something. Get tested. Sorry.

Might she also have been with OM the night she was 'out cold' when you were trying to ring her about her Mom? Just wondered.

Anyway, I think you have to forget the emotional side right now and concentrate on the practical side of things. Do carry a VAR as WL said and also most phones have a voice record feature these days. Don't be afraid to record her. She seems to be quite vindictive. 

I hope she wasn't a gold-digger. The way she sold stuff and was feathering her nest while you were away as she planned her escape made me think it was a possibility. Also has her Mom left her money which would give her financial freedom to her to leave you?

I may be quite wrong in what I am saying. These are just possibilities and things you might want to consider as you try and make sense of all this. 

Again I'm sorry you are in such a horrid situation. 

And you have no choice but to run in this case IMO.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> If you do some investigating, I believe you will find this affair started before her mom died. If you have any access to her phone, text, and email records check that out.
> 
> From the way you describe her first two marriages, she sounds like she has some serious psychological issues.
> 
> Did you have a PC or tablet you both used? Do you know her facebook password?


The last phone records were before she moved out and removed herself from the family plan. Those records showed a lot of activity with TOM to which she replied when asked about it, "he's just a friend" which turned into "I spend some time with him,when I have time, but I'm not f#*&€ing him" 

If I had access to Faceplant (FB) I would love to see what has really been going on. I tried guessing a few times but to no avail. Wish I knew somebody that knows how to find out stuff like that!!!


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

@86857, I did fill out all the paperwork before I left. We were supposed to get together and talk for a bit, and did three days before I left.
She was supposed to come back the following day, bailed, also decided not to show up the day after that either. To be completely honest it REALLY chapped my ass that she had the gall to say she couldn't come over because the boy had homework she had to help with. "You never have put my son first" I replied, "You are 100 percent correct, I always put my wife first!" That got silence the rest of the day..... and why now is the boy allowed to slack on homework and not do it Friday when he gets home from school? Grrrrrrr

She was not a gold digger and all my assets are secure. Retirement is secure. No major purchases to divide and no combined marital assets.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you think it will help you with closure, you can have your attorney subpoena her facebook, email, texts etc. 

You can also go after money if you lost it on her sale of the car.

I simply think she is delusional. She unfortunately, isn't going throgh her last divorce. Talking to her exes should shed some light on this. If her posts are affecting how your friends are treating you, you should let everyone know what is really going on.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sorry you are here. I don't see her mother's death leading her to cheat. I do believe in her mindset, that M is not a long term commitment, or to be taken seriously.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Sorry you are here. I don't see her mother's death leading her to cheat. I do believe in her mindset, that M is not a long term commitment, or to be taken seriously.


So you believe that she had that mindset from the beginning and hat her mothers death didn't exacerbate the situation to some degree?

I am at a place where I have walked out the door but haven't closed it hoping that against all odds my wife will walk through right behind me. Reality is one harsh cruel *****


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Perfectstorm said:


> HB#2 She said was a rebound and she never really loved him. Claimed it was a big mistake. That marriage lasted all of 9 months.


Sorry to say, that you were just the next rebound guy. She's not really ready for a long term relationship. She will be on husband 4 or 5 in the next few years.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Perfectstorm said:


> So you believe that she had that mindset from the beginning and hat her mothers death didn't exacerbate the situation to some degree?
> 
> I am at a place where I have walked out the door but haven't closed it hoping that against all odds my wife will walk through right behind me. Reality is one harsh cruel *****


Believe what Thorburn says, he is a certified therapist.

Don't waste your life pining away for her.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I'll just write what i got out of this, and maybe i'm wrong... but here it goes:
probably had an EA before (not saying phisical, but certainly close to it) wich she appreciated... then with her mothers death things started to get all over her, like WTF! life is short and why live this way? And here is where she changes.... something that snaps in her head and justifys anything she does...
so what to do? ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME GET OVER IT AND WITH NO SHAME, WHO CARES? ITS MY LIFE...NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME...OM DOES! ETC ETC ETC.....
Sooooo... if this is the case, then let her go. Only she can fix herself and YOU CANT do that! Nothing will be normal again... the scar will always be ther eather you R or D. So why not let her go and work on yourself? You healing and moving forward without looking back is the only solution that i can see... but you need to be firm on this in a calm and rational way. D. and move on....


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> She was not a gold digger and all my assets are secure. Retirement is secure. No major purchases to divide and no combined marital assets.


I am very relieved about your finances. If she doesn't have assets and OM dumps her, be careful that she doesn't try and get back with you. It wouldn't be the first time a WS did that. 

Let's look at a hypothetical scenario: 

What if she said her mother's death had unhinged her and she would do anything to have you back? Let's say you agreed. 

Even if she did everything right you would still have no peace of mind. 
- You would always wonder whether she had told you ALL the truth. 
- You would always wonder why she did it and what the hell was she thinking. 
- Even if you were both deliriously happy you would STILL worry about whether she might do it again. 
You see I'm in R by a strange turn of events and these are the things I wonder about, and will probably always wonder about. 

What if you didn't take her back and simply walked away?

In 2 years time you might still wonder occasionally why she did what she did. 
But if you stayed with her you would be wondering every day.

IMO, what's gone is gone and it's best left behind when there's an EA/PA.

I think you are luckier here than most because she doesn't want to R. And you don't have children together.
It happened suddenly & your marriage came to an abrupt end. It didn't get dragged out for years with trickle truth, false R and living with it knowing that things could never be the same. 
It's like removing a Bandaid. You can rip it off in an instant. . . ouch!
Or you can peel it off slowly and painfully. . . groan. 
R is a far more painful path. 
Hope that helps.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

@86857, Jack C,

You guys kinda made my whole morning!

:iagree:

This is never easy to let go even after being betrayed by your spouse. There is deep rooted love there. I'm gonna start closing the door on this chapter! Dust myself off, pull myself up by my bootstraps and check out of the Spin Cycle Inn


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

And dont look back!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Perfectstorm said:


> So you believe that she had that mindset from the beginning and hat her mothers death didn't exacerbate the situation to some degree?
> 
> I am at a place where I have walked out the door but haven't closed it hoping that against all odds my wife will walk through right behind me. Reality is one harsh cruel *****


PS,

You are focusing on the wrong thing right now. It's not "why" she did it; it's "what" she did. You're grasping at straws, looking for reasons - as if that would mitigate her betrayal. It doesn't. You have to convince yourself of that.

In the unlikely event she turns around and begs you back, THEN those reasons come into play. But for now, forget them and focus on your exit plan.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> I guess I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she appeared normal in most all respects until her mother died, then everything went haywire! We had a good life going! Sure it had its ups and downs but dont they all?


Her normal was not what you recognized as her normal. You just didn't notice until her mother died. It happens to almost all of us on this board. We didn't notice the excessive calls, text, hiding, jumpiness or small things until some overt act activated our gut feelings.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Perfectstorm said:


> So you believe that she had that mindset from the beginning and hat her mothers death didn't exacerbate the situation to some degree?
> 
> I am at a place where I have walked out the door but haven't closed it hoping that against all odds my wife will walk through right behind me. Reality is one harsh cruel *****


When my MIL died. My wife had a sexual EA a year prior. It ended when I exposed it to the OM, my wife and the OMW. Then during the time of my MIL's dying, my wife hooked up on FB with OM #2. When my MIL died my wife was already getting comfort from the OM and kept me at arms length. My wife's mother dying had nothing to do with my wife's A's. 

So to answer you question (I am not 100% sure) I would say that she indeed had that mindset prior and her mother's death did not push it at all. My wife did try to use that as an excuse for her A, that I was not there for her during her mother's death. My response to her was that is just plain BS, I made arraignments to come home from work many times and you told me that you would be OK. All the while she was communicating with the OM going to him for comfort.

When you get to the point of detachment you will be at a better place. Keeping one foot in, hoping that she will change her mind is not a good place to be. You will be looking at, words she says, a text, a comment from someone, etc. and it might give you a glimmer of hope. But being undecided, having false hope, is a he*l unto itself. Kill it and be done with it.

I did. I killed it. I was done.

Then surprise, God intervened. I can't predict what will happen. I was quite content with D once I achieved detachment. I was done. 

Having my wife repent, come clean, stop lying, was wonderful in many ways. But had I D her, I would still be OK.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

thorburn, It is pretty remarkable how similar our stories really are. While I don't think my wife had an affair prior to this, The pushing away, the everything in our marriage was a negative, how she had been working on our marriage since our wedding day, yada yada yada...
I turned the corner last night and watched the door close on my relationship with my wife. As you know it is not easy at first and you get those flares of anger toward her for doing this to you and your marriage. I fell down a couple notches today and threw a quip out there on Facebook. I jacked the post of the EA's page and reposted with my comment. It was an ad supporting gun rights, it said while looking down the barrel of a shotgun in the picture "Epiphany, when you know that you broke into the wrong house" of course my quip was. "Or the wrong RELATIONSHIP!!! 
Needless to say.... That was a dumb thing to do, since the paperwork isn't done yet.... 
Her reply? I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure "he started it" is a legit defense...


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> :iagree: We did wait and date for a year but maybe I should have held out longer. Truthfuly, at the time, I never thought I would have ever found the perfect match for me and I was elated!:


Women like your STBXW and my STBXW always seem like a perfect match at first. It's because they lack their own true personality and adapt to their current partner's personality to impress them. 

This happens during the infatuation phase of the relationship, which can last up to 2 - 3 years. This is why you should always wait at least a few years to get married.

In my case, even after 3 years her personality seemed to match mine, but looking back now, that's when the red flags started to happen. 

I was naive at the time to what the red flags were, but not anymore. I'm going to use this knowledge for my future relationship's and so should you.

For what it's worth, my wife also left me for another man, so I know how bad it feels. Also, her mother married and divorced 3 times before she turned 50.

See the pattern here? I realize now there is nothing I could of done to prevent this from happening eventually. It's instilled within her DNA. Same with your wife.

They are broken human beings who will always be jumping from one relationship to the next, constantly "searching for butterflies".

Nothing we can do but learn from it and move on. It sucks but we have no other choice. Take care man.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

********** said:


> I am very relieved about your finances. If she doesn't have assets and OM dumps her, be careful that she doesn't try and get back with you. It wouldn't be the first time a WS did that.
> 
> Let's look at a hypothetical scenario:
> 
> ...


Strooong post


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> When my MIL died. My wife had a sexual EA a year prior. It ended when I exposed it to the OM, my wife and the OMW. Then during the time of my MIL's dying, my wife hooked up on FB with OM #2. When my MIL died my wife was already getting comfort from the OM and kept me at arms length. My wife's mother dying had nothing to do with my wife's A's.
> 
> So to answer you question (I am not 100% sure) I would say that she indeed had that mindset prior and her mother's death did not push it at all. My wife did try to use that as an excuse for her A, that I was not there for her during her mother's death. My response to her was that is just plain BS, I made arraignments to come home from work many times and you told me that you would be OK. All the while she was communicating with the OM going to him for comfort.
> 
> ...


It was always clear you were not going to divorce. Men who choose to divorce, tend to move swiftly. 

You always had hope.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> **********, Jack C,
> 
> You guys kinda made my whole morning!
> 
> ...


Very glad to hear that PerfectStorm.

Now you're talking!

Accept there will be up days and down days but heck in any life there is, affair or not. Keep busy when it hits. Do stuff, make plans, do those things you always thought you would like to do. And get yourself to a gym or start jogging. There is nothing better than endorphins, Mother Nature's natural anti-depressants. But you probably know all that already.

You'll get through this just fine. You're smart and grounded and you ain't about to let someone walk all over you. Yay!

Keep posting! You have plenty of friends and support on TAM.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Perfectstorm, 

I know I'm late to the party here, but at your request I have read your entire thread, and believe it or not, I do have some thoughts for you. 

Just so you know, Perfectstorm, I'm a very happily married lad,y and I have a boundary that I don't Private Message with any male person but my Dear Hubby. He deserves that kind of special respect, don't you think? I do! 

Okay, so here are my thoughts:

First, I don't think that the year you were dating and the two years you were married were all "a lie." I don't think your radar is so broken that you completely missed the fact that she was taking you for a ride all along and that none of it was real. You don't sound like an unintelligent or a guy who "knows nothing about women" (although really--what man ever does understand women, right? LOL). Thus it seems to me that when you were dating and for the two years you were married, at least the majority was real and that's "who she was" during that time in her life. 

Second, I do think that the death of her mom changed her. I have known many people who are one person before a big, life-changing event--and then someone completely different after the big, life-changing event. I can also say that before my own affair I would have told you with 100% conviction that I would never, EVER have an affair! Yet, after I had one of those life-changing events, I was grieving BIG TIME and in shock, and I needed a connection and that was when the OM got his toe in the door. It's not a "reason," but it was part and parcel of the mix that created the perfect storm in my case.

My point here is that when someone is hit with a MAJOR grief, it is my personal theory that it sets off a little bomb inside them that brings all their issues to the surface. Some people will start to "self-medicate" with drugs or alcohol to avoid feeling the pain of the loss, and then they slip into addiction. Some people have their personal issues of low self-esteem or inferiority or being unloved and unworthy come to the surface, and if they have no tools to deal with them...they are changed. They can't handle it so they do a bad job and make bad, BAD choices. I've seen people who were nice, loving, caring, gentle, family-loving spouses before a death in the family, and then after the death of a family member become a abusive, selfish, lying, spiteful, drunken cheaters. It's sad but true.

Third, having read everything above, you might think my advice to you would be to "wait it out until her grief mellows or runs its course" (or whatever), but in real life that is not my thought at all. Right now, I do not think she is "who she was back then"...but I also don't think she's going to gradually go back to "the way it was." I think this person "who she is now" is who she is going to *be *now, and unless she does some grief therapy or attends a grief support group, it's most likely who she'll stay. She would have to face her grief and face herself and face what she's done, in order to return to the woman she was, and right now it doesn't sound like she has any intention WHATSOEVER of facing her grief, much less facing herself and what she's done. And to be honest, the fact she's been married two times before you is a possible indication that she tends to run rather than deal with things. So I would encourage you to begin to accept that, more likely than not, this is who she is now. 

Fourth, I want to point out to you that she has already left the marriage. I know that from your point of view, you are left just REELING wondering "What in the world happened?"...and honestly none of it really makes sense. I mean, even if she came to you with reasonable reasons (there is no such thing, but pretend) it's not as if you'd say, "Oh well you have a good point there dear, it is reasonable for you to leave me." You'd still sort of say "NO!! WHY???" Right? So whether she is depressed, or grieving, or insane, or just shaken to the core about her own mortality...she made a commitment to you to forsake all others, and she chose to break that covenant by turning to someone else! Even it's it just to avoid her true feelings and "feel alive" when faced with death...the fact remains: she's an adult, and she has made the choice to leave the marriage. In addition, based on her actions only, it's not as if she did this leaving all that suddenly--by renovating the condo that shows some pre-meditation, in my opinion. 

In conclusion, my advice to you would be to file for divorce with you as Petitioner and her as Defendant. She doesn't seem to be willing to work on the marriage AT ALL...and she's not moving forward on a co-filer divorce, so I would say file. It will do one of two things: 

1) She will realize that you will not be her Plan B, fall back and you mean to move on without her AND she stands to lose half of everything (like for example, is the condo she renovated in her name only or marital property?...and don't forget half of the debt for that renovation is hers!). This may be the kind of thing that rattles her enough to wake her up to some harsh truths about choosing to leave, but I'm not suggesting it as a tactic. She might "wake up" and choose to deal with her grief, herself and her actions, and you could at that point consider reconciling.

or

2) She can drag her feet all she wants but eventually the divorce will grind through with or without her cooperation. She can't have it both ways! She can't leave you and keep you at the same time...and if she chooses to leave and try to drag her feet, the court will move the divorce forward of it's own accord and eventually you'd be free so you could move on with your life. 

Now one last, personal note. Even thinking about divorce, much less filing, is pretty traumatic for some people. When my exH cheated on me, I didn't want to divorce him--I wanted him to love me and return to our marriage and family. But that was not what HE wanted to do. I didn't even want to think about divorce, much less BE divorced! So I realize that it may take you some time to wrap your head around the wisdom of filing for divorce. But I want to remind you of something. You can print off the divorce forms for free off the internet. You can fill them out yourself. You can have a lawyer friend or legal aid look at your paperwork to make sure it's in order. And then you pay the fee to file, and it's done. It doesn't have to be a production AND you can stop the divorce any time. You just file a motion to the judge to put it on hold (postpone) or stop it entirely. Either way, though, it would be to your benefit. Either it would be the wake up call she needs or if it's not, she so far gone that it's the one moral reason to allow divorce...and you can learn and grow from it and become a better man. 

Faithfully, 


Affaircare


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Affaircare-- Thank you so much for replying to my inquiry!

First off I want to commend you for setting boundary's for contact here on this forum! I respect that and wish that my wife would have had enough fortitude to do the same!

Thank You for the insight you have shared with me here... While it is not easy I have gravitated to letting go and moving on even though being Valentines day and all it's a little closer to the heart!

Before I left for work four days ago I left a gift box with my wife (along with the signed dissolution papers) she had the nerve to ask me for half of the filing fee two days later! :rofl:

In that box was a nice gift basket of handmade soaps and lotions that I knew she likes, and a nice card. I asked her to save it for valentines day. Her excitement and enthusiasm came in the form of a text this morning."thank you for the soaps etc. although unnecessary."

Last night I was feeling a little nostalgic, I always travel with a picture of my wife, so I wrote her a quick note to tell her how I felt, more of a way for me to let go than anything else. I know in my mind that it is over and I am working as best as I can to move on, but my heart still had this to say,

"Dear ----,
On the eve of our last Valentines Day, I wish your heart peace and comfort, tranquility and healing, love and forgiveness.

Thank you ----, for the best years of my life, the joy that being your husband brought to my heart, and the endless pride I felt with you as my wife.

Thank you for the lessons our lives together have taught me, thank you for sharing the experience of love like I have never known before!

May the current always be at your back and your horizon always be clear of storms....May you always have safe harbor, fair winds and following seas....."

..... And with that, I started feeling better and actually smiled when I remembered some of the good times instead of being sad 

You are so right about her changing into another person. I truly believe that the woman I knew will most likely never return! I can feel good in a way knowing that the woman that was so special to me is not the woman that the OM has now. It might be just a coping mechanism, but it has helped. 

As you pointed out, yes indeed, I am still reeling because it is so fresh, and there was never a solid reason that I could get from her or theory that explained it. She just snapped inside and became someone that I do not know. It is sad, and I want to help her because deep down my heart still does. But I am at a better place now. I know that I have to care for my emotional well being and sense of self worth first. She is gone, but I will be :smthumbup:

Life holds many amazing opportunities


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

well if the soapmaker you used to purchase from causes you to ever trigger, lmk. provided , that is, i'm not the soapmaker you already buy from, lol.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> Affaircare-- Thank you so much for replying to my inquiry!
> 
> First off I want to commend you for setting boundary's for contact here on this forum! I respect that and wish that my wife would have had enough fortitude to do the same!
> 
> ...


You mean well, but this sounds a) Like Nice Guy talk b) There is subtle manipulation involved, almost like you're trying to guilt trip her (some would say nothing wrong with that, all is fair in love and war)

The letters the gifts etc etc, all meaningless when someone has made the fundamentally life changing decision she made, and let's say by some chance she does come back, then what?

Buy gifts for yourself, take are of yourself. Time to be selfish, you don't need to take care of her anymore. She made that decision for you.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> Affaircare-- Thank you so much for replying to my inquiry!
> 
> First off I want to commend you for setting boundary's for contact here on this forum! I respect that and wish that my wife would have had enough fortitude to do the same!
> 
> ...


Yes it does. And you are gonna be fine.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't compete with this new fling so don't even try.

Have the confidence to just let her go.... chicks dig confident guys so fake it until you make it and with a smile on your face wish your old lady the best thank her for dejunking the house and just let her go. Start showing her indifference and be positive when you must inter act, again chicks dig confident guys...

Continue to raise your attraction level by moving on and letting go.... Your old lady just might think twice and second guess her choices as she sees you moving on with out her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

BobSimmons,
I agree with you. She did make that choice for me. There are still the good days and the bad. I have been having more good than bad lately but Valentines Day was rough. Found out that WW and EA/ possible PA were both on a volleyball team together and both had told the team they had hot dates for Valentines and were not going to show for the game. Aparently they have not made themselves public knowledge.

Later I heard that WW played. She said that plans fell apart.

Hearing that crap on Valentines just sucked.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

:iagree:


the guy said:


> You can't compete with this new fling so don't even try.
> 
> Have the confidence to just let her go.... chicks dig confident guys so fake it until you make it and with a smile on your face wish your old lady the best thank her for dejunking the house and just let her go. Start showing her indifference and be positive when you must inter act, again chicks dig confident guys...
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Same thing I replyed to BobSimmons though... good and bad days. Thanks for the encouragement :smthumbup:


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

the guy said:


> You can't compete with this new fling so don't even try.
> 
> Have the confidence to just let her go.... chicks dig confident guys so fake it until you make it and with a smile on your face wish your old lady the best thank her for dejunking the house and just let her go. Start showing her indifference and be positive when you must inter act, again chicks dig confident guys...
> 
> ...


Wellll..... I don't know if yesterday was a failure or a win, maybe neither. We were texting (I am out of town for work again) talking about what her son will be getting for his birthday. It gravitated to this after a couple questions about where to find a couple misplaced items. 
She lit into me saying I never cared about him or loved him and to quit blowing smoke up her bum. Well that did it. I launched the pain, hurt, anger, betrayed, assault of 3 months of taking crap and not responding with anything less than neutral or better. 
But you know, she is the one that wanted separation, she had an EA and most likely PA, when I flat out laid it all on the table she says "affair?.. Are you high or something? (I don't do drugs by the way but I think her new EA/PA does) fine, you believe whatever you want!" 
So for about 10 paragraphs I ripped her a new one for everything from turning to another man for support after her mom died, how it made me feel, how disrespectful it was to have that POS to her fathers house for Christmas Eve dinner, the whole enchilada!!!

The replied once at the beginning, once in the middle then silence ever since. This is the first time I have allowed myself to call it an affair while talking to her. I should have done it months ago! SHE needed to hear that! SHE needs to know what her actions did!

Now a day later why do I feel bad for ripping into her? Sigh.... When does this emotional roller coaster stop? I quit buying tickets for this ride, but it won't let me off!!! :scratchhead:


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Perfectstorm said:


> Wellll..... I don't know if yesterday was a failure or a win, maybe neither. We were texting (I am out of town for work again) talking about what her son will be getting for his birthday. It gravitated to this after a couple questions about where to find a couple misplaced items.
> She lit into me saying I never cared about him or loved him and to quit blowing smoke up her bum. Well that did it. I launched the pain, hurt, anger, betrayed, assault of 3 months of taking crap and not responding with anything less than neutral or better.
> But you know, she is the one that wanted separation, she had an EA and most likely PA, when I flat out laid it all on the table she says "affair?.. Are you high or something? (I don't do drugs by the way but I think her new EA/PA does) fine, you believe whatever you want!"
> So for about 10 paragraphs I ripped her a new one for everything from turning to another man for support after her mom died, how it made me feel, how disrespectful it was to have that POS to her fathers house for Christmas Eve dinner, the whole enchilada!!!
> ...


The first part is what you as a human being need to do for a long time. You had all that pent up inside you and it was best to get that out in someway. 

Some can do the by writing a letter and never sending to the offending person. Some do send it. Either way thumbs up for getting that out this will help in your healing.

You feel bad since at one time you thought you were loved and did love her but now that is all unknow


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

illwill said:


> It was always clear you were not going to divorce. Men who choose to divorce, tend to move swiftly.
> 
> You always had hope.


Actually I moved fairly swiftly. The advice I was given by her two older brothers, the pastor I was seeing and several friends all said file for D. Within weeks of D-day I found a good attorney. Money was tight and I needed a few thousand to proceed, as the attorney wanted $3,000.00 upfront. In March 2013, after meeting with the attorney, I knew pretty much what the process for D would entail and the only thing holding me back was money. By a surprising act in April 2013 I recieved all the money from friends. I had asked family for money but they wanted to wait and give it more time. I contacted the attorney and he proceeded to process the D. I was hoping to serve her on April 23rd. Unfortunately the attorney could not get the paperwork done by that date. As recommended I gave a letter to my wife stating that I was divorsing her. I think it was on the 27th of April, my wife broke down, came clean, repented and handed me her computer.

I can say without doubt that I was serious about D. That I had reached detachment and had no hope for the marriage. I had to go through a reversal emotionally and mentally, from a D posture to one of R. I remember going through a transition, which included some anger, disappointment, etc. when I stopped the D process. I had already envisioned my life without my wife and had moved on in some ways. Changing course was not easy.

Some have mentioned to me that my wife saw how serious I was about D and that all the times prior I threatened but she saw me as not being serious. 

One thing I do recommend to the OP is to keep as silent as you can. My wife kept perstering me for the name of the attorney. I refused to give her that information. I already knew who her attorney was and he was fairly lame. She wanted to knkow the date of when I would file, etc. I just told her, when it is done you will have your answers.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP I know it may be hard to believe but you will really be better off without her in the long run. Do a hard 180. Stop telling her how you feel. It is likely feeding her ego.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> Now a day later why do I feel bad for ripping into her? Sigh.... When does this emotional roller coaster stop? I quit buying tickets for this ride, but it won't let me off!!! :scratchhead:


Perfectstorm - TBH I think everything you are doing and feeling is quite normal. This particular ride is a rollercoaster - ask any BS.  Affairs, marriage breakdowns and divorces are messy to put it mildly!
I think I said in another post that there will be good days and bad days. But things do calm down. Life does go on. You won't be like this forever!
We can't turn off our emotions - oh that we could! 
So don't beat yourself up whatever you do. Just ride out the storm as best you can. 
You have happy memories of your marriage before all this happened because you WERE happy and you DID have good times together. But unfortunately as with so many BS on here, your mate turned into a stranger, someone you didn't know at all. Every BS thinks "What the hell happened!". Most are in total shock because I suppose most of us never dreamt that our mate would betray us. That is why I also said earlier that repairing a marriage after betrayal is almost impossible. Few succeed. 
In your case because of how your WS behaved when it all came out, I would think the chances of repairing it are very slim and from what you have described I think walking away is the best outcome for you. 
But it's easier said than done. I think when you have decided 100% which may take a bit more time as you process all this because it happened so quickly, then I think it will get a lot easier for you. 
My instinct tells me that the less contact you have with WS, the better, preferably no contact at all. 
As usual, these are just my opinions on it. 
**********


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> BobSimmons,
> I agree with you. She did make that choice for me. There are still the good days and the bad. I have been having more good than bad lately but Valentines Day was rough. Found out that WW and EA/ possible PA were both on a volleyball team together and both had told the team they had hot dates for Valentines and were not going to show for the game. Aparently they have not made themselves public knowledge.
> 
> Later I heard that WW played. She said that plans fell apart.
> ...


Then remove yourself from the loop. Ignorance is bliss in this regard. You have to 180 and keep to it, as hard as it maybe but the alternative is being stuck in this limbo where it is you that suffers while the rest of the world moves on.

It is the one thing I realized when stuff was happening to me. 

The world doesn't give a toss about your pain or injustice. 
Your wife and OM don't give a toss. 
Friends and colleagues might soon find out be disgusted for all of 2 seconds then go back to their lives but who remains at ground zero dealing with the fall out of the explosion? *You*

She's saying f*** y** during Valentines day regardless whether her plans fell through or not, you were the furthest thing from her mind. She would have gladly gave up the volleyball game for him but since the plans fell through she played..nothing for you.

So while the world is selfish and moves on. Time for you to do the same.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Actually I moved fairly swiftly. The advice I was given by her two older brothers, the pastor I was seeing and several friends all said file for D. Within weeks of D-day I found a good attorney. Money was tight and I needed a few thousand to proceed, as the attorney wanted $3,000.00 upfront. In March 2013, after meeting with the attorney, I knew pretty much what the process for D would entail and the only thing holding me back was money. By a surprising act in April 2013 I recieved all the money from friends. I had asked family for money but they wanted to wait and give it more time. I contacted the attorney and he proceeded to process the D. I was hoping to serve her on April 23rd. Unfortunately the attorney could not get the paperwork done by that date. As recommended I gave a letter to my wife stating that I was divorsing her. I think it was on the 27th of April, my wife broke down, came clean, repented and handed me her computer.
> 
> I can say without doubt that I was serious about D. That I had reached detachment and had no hope for the marriage. I had to go through a reversal emotionally and mentally, from a D posture to one of R. I remember going through a transition, which included some anger, disappointment, etc. when I stopped the D process. I had already envisioned my life without my wife and had moved on in some ways. Changing course was not easy.
> 
> ...


If you are truly set on divorcing your spouse, nothing can change that. Why? Because you have reached a place of apathy. 

I filed two days after dday. My wife did every thing she could. It did not matter. I was apathetic. 

You were never really at that place. Even after all the awful things she did. 

Regardless, im glad things worked out.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

illwill said:


> If you are truly set on divorcing your spouse, nothing can change that. Why? Because you have reached a place of apathy.
> 
> I filed two days after dday. My wife did every thing she could. It did not matter. I was apathetic.
> 
> ...


If my wife is at this point of apathy, is there any chance for this marriage to work in the future, or do I need to get myself to that point? As hard as I try I can't get to the I don't give a crap about her stage. After laying into her two days ago, she has gone silent. I hear from our mutual friends that she is crying the "why are people so mean and call names". Sob story fishing for empathy. I would have thought bringing up the EA/PA that she would have been shocked at least a little bit into reality, it seems that if anything she has distanced herself even more.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Neither of you are there yet. She would not be playing a sob story if she was. She simply would not care. 

Only one of you has to really get there to divorce. The cheater often (not always) gets there first, because to cheat, they are already half way gone.

For the betrayed it often takes time for the shock to wear off before you even approach apathy.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

illwill said:


> Neither of you are there yet. She would not be playing a sob story if she was. She simply would not care.
> 
> Only one of you has to really get there to divorce. The cheater often (not always) gets there first, because to cheat, they are already half way gone.
> 
> For the betrayed it often takes time for the shock to wear off before you even approach apathy.


:iagree:

I am out of town for another week, it seems like I am still going through some kind of messed up withdrawal from her, we used to talk or text all the time.... It seems like there are big holes in my day now... I hear the voices of reason on TAM from all of you, my brain understands you, and then stupid things happen!

Tonight I figured that if my Wife was truly gone, she would not answer my text to her and that would be that, case closed! But then she did answer... 
Of course cold, negative, "Too late you said what you needed to say we don't need to talk Perdieu lovely texts when you're done hope that made you feel better, you said it and mention it, thank you for finally showing me who you are again"

"You called me a miserable excuse of a woman and a cheating [email protected]#* according to you. I have no feelings. Don't psycho analyze me, we have nothing more to say to one another. You made that clear. Don't bother trying to backpedal from those previous texts. Not going to work. I have said everything I have to say, just hate me and call me more names. Easier on everybody!" 

So I asked her "What would you have done if the roles were reversed and I left you after my mom died, I was not there for you, and found someone else to comfort me during those difficult times? You wouldn't try to save our marriage? Try to make sense of what happened and do what ever you had to do to keep our marriage intact and show me you love me? "

And then complete silence.........


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I am out of town for another week, it seems like I am still going through some kind of messed up withdrawal from her, we used to talk or text all the time.... It seems like there are big holes in my day now... I hear the voices of reason on TAM from all of you, my brain understands you, and then stupid things happen!
> 
> ...


Again NiceGuy comes to the fore. Why reply? She wanted a rise out of you. She gets to blame you for being angry she left, use your own words against you...and you're trying to reason with her?

Her replying to you has nothing with her being done or having any feelings for you. It's what's called a sh*t test, you expressed some anger, no doubt shifting the dynamics, you took her out of her frame, appeared strong, so she guilt trips you, absolutely expecting you to reply which you did..and what did you get...zero.

Don't call, don't reply to texts. Stop rising to her baiting. Are you really trying to justify to a cheater why you're angry and you called her names. Are you trying to argue with someone who cheated on you and has now painted herself a victim in all this because you called her some names?

Dude if I'm pissed off for you, why can't you be for yourself?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

This op is like so many others...
They are not sadisfied even if they get rubbed with shxt all over the face. They need more and more untill they go nuts.... Then at the end they keep saying what i xxxx they are for not upstanding from the begining. 
I got a question for you:

WHY?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, she would not have gotten angry if she had no feeling for him. The question is: Why does he still care?


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Been there. Done it. Like many on here.

Your STBXW will NOT acknowledge an affair, no matter how many times you tell her it is. Ok, deep down she will know but she will have rationalised both her actions and her reasons for those actions. By getting angry with her and telling her the truth, all you will do is reinforce a sense of justification in the original actions she took.

My W told me she was depressed and needed to 'find space'. This all co-incided with a blossoming friendship with a work colleague. I did all the nice guy stuff too, and eventually wound up with concrete evidence of an affair. I informed the OMW and it all blew up, eventually leading to my W moving in with OM.

During all this, I called out the affair to her, but whilst never fully denying (it was more along the lines of 'Think what you like') she also had found a way to explain to my face, with not a hint of irony, that we had been 'drifting apart for a long time'. Nothing, absolutlely NOTHING could have been further from the truth (prior to all this, we were planning holidays, considering moving house and all sorts). So what she had done is :

1. Made a laundry list of all the things that irritated her about me or about the relationship, mostly minor and convinced herself that all these things were un-fixable (the setup)
2. Re-wrote history to convince herself, and OM that the relationship was dead and we had been drifting apart (the justification)
3. In her mind - and to her family, considered OM as only a close friend and confidant (despite them screwing)
4. Had indicated to OM that I was a general manipulative SOB

The above four things protected herself from just about anything. When I busted the affair by talking to OMW she would refer to #4, When I urged her to reconsider she would refer to #4, When I tried to explain how we could fix things she would refer to #1, and most of all...

When I would accuse her of an affair she would refer to #2 and #3, in that in her eyes she didn't do anything wrong - we were in a dead relationship anyway, she was just 'friends' with OM initially and so on....

It may feel good to vent temporarily, but it is ultimately pointless and will probably make you feel worse in the long run.

Vent on here, vent to friends by all means.

The best way to come across to your STBXW is nonchalant and having the inner strength to move on yourself.

(Easy for me to say now though, I have been where you are)


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

PerfectStorm

There comes a time when you need to hop off the crazy train.

It is a conscious decision.

Go see a lawyer when you get home and have your wife served at work.

Stop subjecting yourself to her fog that she is living in.

And stop subjecting her to anymore tirades.

They are falling on deaf ears.

Your wife is a 3 time loser. See it for what it is.

And move on.

You deserve better. Go find a nice girl that has great values but more importantly,,,, great self esteem.

You deserve it.

HM


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Please stop with the texting. Please. You are being rational and that is not going to work with her. I said this before, you are looking pathetic. Many of us have done the same stupid things. 

You are still in shock and want things to be the way they were before all this. It will not happen.

Read the 180. Read it again and again.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

In case you forget where the 180 is...there is a link in my signature. And remember, the 180 is not about you dong a set of steps "to get her back" or "to make it go back like it was". "The Way it Was" is gone now because if you ever were to reconcile, you'd have to start over again and build something brand new. 

Nope, the 180 is for YOU and it is a way to help YOU cope and learn how to be an individualized, healthy person. I adore my Dear Hubby, but he and I both understand now that either one of us are completely capable of walking away any time and being okay. Instead, we CHOOSE to stay even though we could live just fine as an individual! 

Right now, you are not an individual--you are "STBX's Husband" and you're in the habit of being entangled with her. Now, when a person is married, there is some entangling of life, habits, lifestyle, finances, recreation, etc. but it can get to the point like you said: if the spouse isn't there, it's like a HOLE in your life. That means you are TOO tangled up...and the 180 will help you become a more confident person with healthy self-worth (which ultimately is the most attractive kind of person).


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> And remember, the 180 is not about you dong a set of steps "to get her back" or "to make it go back like it was". *"The Way it Was" is gone now because if you ever were to reconcile, you'd have to start over again and build something brand new.*


:iagree:

PerfectStorm, sure she is replying to your texts but there isn't a shred of remorse or any interest at all in saving your marriage. That has been her unwavering position from the beginning. Incredibly, she is also blaming you.

Every time you text she attacks you and then goes silent. She (rightly) assumes you will text her again and knows she still has control over you. She is cruelly playing it for all its worth. From your own point of view, your continuing to text her is possibly an attempt to reassure yourself 100% that your marriage cannot be saved. 

It's probably time for you to go silent now. She has left you no choice. The more you text her, the longer this will drag out. Have any of your texts, nice or angry made any difference? 

She is free at ANY time to contact you expressing that she would like to get back with you. Frankly she is more likely to do that if you go silent and she realises you are serious about D. 

If you do, don't hold out ANY hope because she has given NO indication whatsoever that she is interested in R. That is why all the posters on your thread are encouraging you to walk away. 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. 

There is no way around the fire. You have to go through it. And it hurts.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Thorburn, Aafaircare, **********, 

Thank you all for taking the time to post your thoughts. They are greatly valued and appreciated! I had a phone IT appointment today that mostly said the same thing. The conclusion that I have drawn from this forum and my counseling sessions is this...

While at some point in this marriage, I may have done some things I am not proud of, and made some step parenting mistakes. Made some poor choices when it came to getting in an argument with my wife instead of understanding that walking away and talking later is not a weakness. Made poor choices with alcohol. ( which I can still say I have not had a single drop since the day after Christmas 

I understand now that what I wanted so badly, so completely will not come to fruition. Not because I am a horrible person, I'll own my shortcomings! I'll learn from them and I will be a better man because of the lessons those failures have taught me!

The bliss of my marriage to my beautiful wife has died a slow wicked and agonizing death. She has not admitted to any wrongdoing, does not show remorse, does not show empathy to her son, or myself for the destruction of our family. She refuses to look back to see the pain and destruction left in the wake of her choices.

It is clearer now than has been since the day before D-Day. She will never again be my loving wife the way I remember her. Never be the person I trust unconditionally with my heart again. There would always be shadows and doubt.

Regardless of what mindset triggered this colossal mess, SHE needs to come to terms with the fact that this man that she chooses to leave is not a failure, far from it! The person she has chosen to leave is a real man, one that has come to terms with his own faults, and has chosen to seek them out to make himself a better man. To be able to love better, live better, be a better person because of life's bitter and often unfair lessons. 

I fully admit that I have not gone down this path of enlightenment willingly, or even gracefully this path was forced upon me in the cruelest of fashions! You, the members that care enough to post on my story and my thread, also those who take the time to reply to other posts, threads or discussions, you deserve the highest praise! For listening to us that have newly been betrayed or fallen somehow, over and over you listen to people from all walks of life, all sorts of scenarios tell our stories of heartbreak, of cheating, of lies and deceit

It is I that owe you my gratitude for your advise, your patience and above all, when I do finally get to that place, clarity and peace of the heart. It is not easy to accept that what I had, and prized higher than anything, The 100 percent genuine love from my wife, I will never have it again! It's gone...... 

I'm not ready to move on, but I have stopped the dysfunctional ride and got off.....


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife does not need to come to terms with you being a good strong man. Only you do. 

Not everyone we meet is destined to stay in our lives forever. Sometimes they enter to teach us and help us become better for the future.

Your future will find you, when you let go of the past.

And congrats on being sober.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

There are still the good days that I feel empowered to move on and enjoy life, then the bad days where I feel that life somehow cheated me out of the life I wanted. Then come the new questions, was the life I wanted the life I needed........:/

Damn, almost out of the spin cycle and it pulled me back in.... Gonna be tough the next few days. I am coming back home from work out of town again, still have the feelings of expecting my wife to call and ask when to pick me up, what new things have happened, ....life..... That truly is one of the most difficult things I think, that I used to really enjoy having that family time....


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> Thorburn, Aafaircare, **********,
> 
> Thank you all for taking the time to post your thoughts. They are greatly valued and appreciated! I had a phone IT appointment today that mostly said the same thing. The conclusion that I have drawn from this forum and my counseling sessions is this...
> 
> ...


She shows no remorse, so when exactly will she have to come to terms with anything? This is all in your head, it's the script where you HOPE one day she suddenly realizes what she's lost and collapses in a crumbled heap full of regret and sorrow. Are you waiting for this..

You'll be waiting a long time.

Detach yourself from what you hope she might be thinking, feeling or wanting. What may or may not happen in the future. All that is in front of you is 1+1=2. The bare facts, her actions, everything in black and white, her actions are undeniable, her actions have brought you to this point. Do what you need to do for you and the boy.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Perfectstorm said:


> No affair there. We had everything in common, life goals were the same!
> 
> Normally my work is in town and I am home every night, this is not normal travel for work. She liked having the house to herself but after a few days missed me and always was happy for me to come home.
> 
> The abuse on my part came from letting my wife bait me after I had a few to many beers and she had found the bottom of a bottle of wine. So for MYSELF and being a better man for this relationship or the next I quit drinking the day after Christmas and have not touched a drop since!


Only a fool would sign a contract of marriage with a woman who already has experienced two divorces and has a dependent child. She scoped out a useful "mangina" and suckered you in.

You are not a member of "her family" - you are an invited "guest" to her family and you can be shown the door at any time when she no longer has any type of need for you. This is apparently happening.

You have been manipulated and taken advantge of - and you are still blind to it.

Wake up, get divorced. extract yourself from this mess......before she destroys your life.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> Thorburn, Aafaircare, **********,
> Thank you all for taking the time to post your thoughts.


Thanks for your kind words PerfectStorm. 



> I bought her nice things for Christmas, wrapped them nicely and put them under the tree where she was celebrating Christmas day at her dads house. Christmas day I get a text "thank you for the useful gifts." Whaaaa?? I was chopped at the knees! I asked if there were still any gifts to open when I got home from my work assignment in January. She replied, "If you asking me if I got you anything the answer is no!"





> Now she says she is just DONE and wants out of the marriage, says the boy has anger and hates me, says they never want to come back. (She said I could talk to him but conveniently does not allow it to happen)





> While I was gone, she renovated and went into debt, sold a year and a half old vehicle at a consignment lot for a 12,000 loss and abandoned her two year old dog on me (I have a five year old of the same breed) saying she didn't care what I did with the dog but she didn't want it anymore.





> I received the phone bill and saw that her normal texting of about 1000 between work, other friends and myself, had skyrocketed to 5700!!!





> I got so worked up I called the guy and told him to stay away from my family and wife! Stopped just short of threatening him. A couple days later I get a text from her furious at me for confronting her friend. How dare I do that, she says I have cost her friends before by doing similar things. So not one week later I find out this POS had Christmas Eve dinner with my wife and extended family at my father in laws house. She told everybody that he was just a friend and had no family in town and nowhere to go for dinner.





> She posted this yesterday on Faceplant, "Change is good...but there's always pain...going forward with a new chapter in life is energizing, scary, sad, exciting, satisfying, painful, every emotion in the book...am I doing the right thing? Yes...when you know what is the most important thing in your life is and would die to protect it...you know you made the right decision"


PerfectStorm I doubt she will ever think about what she threw away. It's likely she will continue blaming you indefinitely.

All I can see from all you describe is that this woman is done with you. 

I'm sorry.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

DING, DING, DING, DING,!!!!!!

We got a WINNAAAAAAA

Well my fellow TAM people, here I am..... Admitting that you are right , about damn near everything!!! Didn't want to believe that MY wife could EVER have an affair that went all the way..... Yes I know, I was stupid, a hold out, I groveled, I pleaded, I got pissed, I did every frickin thing in the book you could do wrong! 

Tonight I was rewarded with my devotion and love by coming back to town from work, dropping by her condo to spy on her, because really, I had no concrete proof and it was eating me up inside. 
Found other man there.....

Struggled with beating down the door then beating down him, light truck on fire, so many ways that I could have gone with that.

I thought that I had hit bottom when it was an EA, wellllllll....... Nope!
Still had a few more feet to fall and another few blocks for my heart to be drug down the street!

Now, I am a changed person, now I will not be so nieve, so easy to gain trust from. I will never put my heart in a position like that again!

I am going to blow this apart tomorrow just to watch the confetti fly. She and all her "friends" are faceplant people, maybe I should say something like ..... ........ Is a cheater and having an affair with OM
How do you like her now?


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

Perfectstorm said:


> DING, DING, DING, DING,!!!!!!
> 
> We got a WINNAAAAAAA
> 
> ...



Nuke it! 
Keep it going... 180! Good for You my friend.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Perfectstorm said:


> DING, DING, DING, DING,!!!!!!
> 
> We got a WINNAAAAAAA
> 
> ...


I think letting the air out of both of their tires would have been a great start.

At least now you know the truth.

Leave her in the dust where she belongs.....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Put him on Cheaterville. Go NC.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

After you nuke this, then will you let it go?

I mean, if you put more effort into healing than trying to make sense of why she was doing all of this, you would probably be pulling into the station to get off of crazy train by now. 

I mean, you didn't JUST have an epiphany. Hell, you knew she was cheating and WE knew she was cheating. So, I wasn't the least bit shocked by your post. I guess seeing it made it real for you and I suppose I understand that.

But, when you nuke this be ready for her response. And she'll probably tell you that, "He wasn't the reason why we're getting divorced." or "nothing happened while we were together." or "It's none of your business who I see. We're not together anymore." Promise you'll hear one of those in the near future.

I know that paperwork has been filed; however, are you two still married? And does she work with this guy? If she does, then I would approach their HR department. A lot of company's have morality clauses in their employee agreements. That might be something to look into.

You could also look into an Alienation of Affection lawsuit against this guy. Some states don't have an A of A, but if yours does, then you can try it. Most lawyers would try and talk you out of it because they almost always never win in court. But, the mere fact that he's getting served and is being sued could be enough for this guy to say, "You know what? This relationship isn't worth this stress." And he could possibly throw your wife under the bus.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You took some proof right?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Okay....

What happened? Is there a membership fee I have to pay to find out?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You OK PerfectStorm?


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

illwill said:


> Dont marry a woman who has already been married twice. .


in case anyone missed it...jeezus talk about a red flag walking up and smacking you on the face

go through with the D...its over and she is not fixable


get into IC to see how you ended up as a wack jobs third husband and fix whatever it is...seriously...so you dont do it again


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

But, when you nuke this be ready for her response. And she'll probably tell you that, "He wasn't the reason why we're getting divorced." or "nothing happened while we were together." or "It's none of your business who I see. We're not together anymore." Promise you'll hear one of those in the near future.

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you all. I have been really been unplugged from phone, computer, tv for almost two weeks to just find center mass. 

So I did blow the affair up by disclosing to parent, family and friends. I stopped short of FB because after all, who believes a whistle blower? Why not let them hang themselves? And so she has for the past week and a half! I went to a dinner function that I knew she would be at. Primarily because I am not going to let her affect how I spend my free time and how I volunteer! So as it turns out she invited the new boyfriend, of course she seated him at the family table. I heard you could cut the tension with a knife there! Lol!

I was attending with friends. She was setting up the dinner so placed our table on the opposite side of the room! Ha! Saw that coming. What I didn't see coming was this dirtbag coming up to me and forcing an introduction on me! Corn holio! It was an awkward evening but in the end I got the last laugh, I won the most sought after gun in a raffle that night! My luck has returned. :smthumbup:

So that was a week ago, had no contact until issues arose with the divorce paperwork. I went down to the courthouse and took care of that right away so there wouldn't be any delays!

Fast forward a work week, here it is Thursday, I asked her to return the chair and ottoman se wanted to borrow while she looked for another recliner. I got a bunch of BS 8 ways from Sunday on how I was being petty, I'm mean, it's hers, on and on.... I sent her a copy of her own email asking to borrow it. 30 minutes later she dropped it off 

Then claims she hurt her back moving a 35 lb chair, etc, I told her she should have had her BF move it since that's prolly how it got there in the first place.

She dropped it and ran, but I had things to give her so called her on the phone and got her back. Gave her her crap and was ushering her out the door.... Then I couldn't help myself.... Call it the stupidest words ever uttered, call it letting my shield down... I'm not sure. I asked her "are you sure that this is what you really want?" 

Ohhhhhh sweet Jesus...... Waterworks central, every way to could say it was her fault and she farced up surfaced at the same time.
My mouth was prolly hanging open for a good two minutes as she carried on. I gave her a quick hug, wiped a tear from her face and told her she made this mess and showed her the door.

Now she wants to meet to talk tomorrow. Divorce court is set for two weeks from now. 

I know she cheated, she lied she played me for the fool and then stuck it in and broke it off! And I really am not that interested in her since she has already had a SA! It did tug on the heart strings a little I won't lie, but holy hell, lol, her fantasyland crap she spun is crashing down around her, and I'm not stepping in to save her!


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Affaircare, I wanted to share this with you that I sent her last week, just because I wanted her to know how much disappointment and pain she caused..... And how little she put in....

"Why are you so angry? I understand things aren't easy for either one of us right now, although maybe you are not remorseful about ending our mairrage? I don't pretend to know what you are thinking.

I know you asked to borrow the chair your dad gave me and I was trying to be nice and let you. Now if your done with it I would like it back. It's not being mean, or trivial, it's about you asking to borrow something and I agreed. So since you borrowed it you can have justin put it in his truck and bring it back. Call ahead so I can open the condo.

As far as why you can't talk to me without getting all angry, I don't understand that. I can't know what you are thinking, or feeling because you stopped sharing those things with me when you started emotionally cheating on me with justin.

Believe it or not I only want the very best for you in this life! I wanted to provide for you and grow old with you..... We had visions and plans.... Then just like that you were gone with a new boyfriend..... 

You know, there are a lot of hard things about getting a divorce. One of the worst I have had to experiance recently was to find a buyer for the ring. 

I spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, finding the perfect ring for you. I remember being so excited when it came because I had to have A friend intercept the package, I was out of town. I asked him to open it and take pictures to send to me! I was so elated!! : )
Then there were the months of planning that went into the where and when, the what if she says no! 
But I knew that you were the right woman for me!
I'm not sure if you ever knew how much went into that single piece of me, that ring was much more than a symbol.... I had blood, sweat and tears invested in that ring long before I was ever able to ask you for your hand.....
Now you gave it back, with spite and malice, with anger towards me when you know we both were at fault. 
I often wonder why you were not willing to try, as you said that you had many times before. But genuinely try instead of running from a marriage instead of working on it.

I was far from perfect, and I thank you for the time we had and am very appreciative of it.
You were far from perfect and have ownership as to why this marriage failed also. 
I do not feel that I ever deserved to be cheated on. There was no call for that. How you justify that to yourself is your business, as is the reason you pulled the rug out from underneath us and bailed on our mairrage.

I have rambled on long enough.... I really only wanted you to know what a man goes through to propose, and how little a woman has to do to say yes!

I hope life works out for you, I really do. We both deserve to be happy! I'm sorry last we talked, you said I never made you that way.....and that you should have never said yes!

I hope you said that just to be hurtful and not mean it, but it doesn't really matter, either way hurts to hear coming from my wife.

I want you to know that I had limitless love and respect for you and was proud to be your Husband."

That is all, carry on.......


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

Good for you. Run for the hills before dam bursts!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So she will soon be thrice divorced.

Does she still say that the affair got physical after the separation ?

How did the exposure part go ? What did her family say ?


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> So she will soon be thrice divorced.
> 
> Does she still say that the affair got physical after the separation ?
> 
> How did the exposure part go ? What did her family say ?


She finally admitted that it had gotten physical but that it was never that way while we were together not separated, "like there is a difference there somehow" 

Family was shocked as were all of our friends that I have talked to because she has not said a word to any of them. Now she is probably getting exposure from word of mouth! Lol


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You still keep making declarations of heart sick love to her. Stop already. Divorce and move on. Her next marriage won't last either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You still keep making declarations of heart sick love to her. Stop already. Divorce and move on. Her next marriage won't last either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't confuse my momentary lapse of reason with I give a crap about my STBXW in two weeks!

She is Toxic and I'm off the whack job Ferris wheel to nowhere!!!:lol:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How old are you guys ?



> She finally admitted that it had gotten physical but that it was never that way while we were together not separated, "like there is a difference there somehow"


She must be pretty shameless to say that.

Found this in an old post



> But you know, she is the one that wanted separation, she had an EA and most likely PA, when I flat out laid it all on the table she says "affair?.. Are you high or something? (I don't do drugs by the way but I think her new EA/PA does) fine, you believe whatever you want!"



Pretty sure this guy is dumping her from her reaction


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

********** said:


> You OK PerfectStorm?


Well, I've been one hell of a lot better in my 46 years breathing air on this earth. As the old adage goes whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger! Thing is I was fine and back to not feeling strong or in control anymore. The time has finally come to accept that it has been one hell of a ride and fall on my sword!


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

I understand that by putting this out there on this forum I am going to get slammed. I am okay with that I made some bad decisions and I think those of you who have been following my post know where this is going!

For the past couple of months I have been trying to get my WW to turn around and see that she has been running from a marriage that loved her and wanted her! A couple of days ago we contacted each other and decided to get together and talk about things specifically whether or not we wanted to reconcile before the divorce paperwork became final in another two weeks!

It was the weekend, she came over to the house we had a nice long talk sat on the couch talked about many of the things that have been happening in our lives in the past four months since separation we avoided the topic of her affair and stayed within the context of whether or not we wanted to reconcile. I knew that she was still dating this other person and I knew that I loved her very much but she needed to be able to put in work if this was something fixable.

Understand that I was in close proximity to my beautiful wife and I have not been out and dating, or promiscuous, or had sexual encounters, with anyone else except my wife in the past four years!

Yes, you assumed correctly couch play, became floor play, became bedroom play, twice, three times actually.... In the glow of the aftermath we laid in the bed arms around each other and reminisced in the relationship that we had before because the feelings felt so much the same, they were identical!

Then the bad part came. Where she broke down and started crying uncontrollably, where she said I didn't deserve her, she was a bad person, on and on! I knew that she dated this other person and I suppose, well, I knew they had been sexual. My mistake was that I didn't ask the important question before we get the bedroom. So I asked the question afterwords and it was very very awkward. I asked her if she had had sexual encounters with the other man. After having to repeat myself two more times because of her quizzical look I received an answer I was not ready for. She said yes they had had sexual encounters. I knew that but didn't want to hear that! The question that was really on my mind that I ask next was was your sex protected!?! Her reply came very slowly, with her looking around the room, looking at her feet, tears flowing from her eyes! I knew right then I was screwed!

I never thought that even if my wife had an affair with another man that she was stupid enough to not be protected! And then I messed up on the grandest of scales and did not protect myself!!!

All this generated so many feelings that I cannot put them all down here. At the beginning as well as at the end of that day I had a hint of hope, a false hope that I grasped onto with both hands and both feet and held on tight! A hope that my wife had gotten her head out of the fog and that things were able to finally be discussed and put out there any logical manner to be dealt with!

Fast forward to the following afternoon when I scheduled an hour to meet and see where we were and if we were going to move forward, once again the divorce paperwork will be final in two weeks!

The result was nothing short of a freaking nightmare! All the remorse the guilt the pain the open honesty and everything else that went with yesterday stayed in yesterday!

Today only held finger-pointing, anger, denial more anger, self-pity on her part and and I cannot believe that just happened on my part.

The text messages that ensued after her departure were nothing short of off the charts wallowing in self-pity. Blame shifting, raw anger and pain. The things I asked her to do to attain 100 percent NC didn't happen, she shutdown facebook, then told me I was being controlling, she shouldn't have to stop playing sports with him or stop having coffee at work......... Uhhhhh what?

I have gone further than I ever thought possible in my quest. I have found things out about myself early on that I am not proud of. I have changed those things for me to be a better man. I hoped that would have been for my wife. But now.... as much as I want to hold on, as much as I still love her, I cannot allow her to crap all over me anymore than I already have. She is not interested in fighting for me, for us, only what she wants, what she thinks she needs, there is no we there anymore. 

With this post I am admitting that as much as you want something and as hard as you try, all the mentors on this site are correct. You really can't fix someone else. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much pain you are willing to endure, and lastly no matter how much disrespect and crap is leveled on you. You can never do for them what they cannot or will not do for themselves.

I lay down my sword, and stand at the mercy or the guillotine that is this forum. It is my sincere hope that betrayed spouses such as myself will read my mistakes here and be able to avoid the insurmountable pain that going down this path will bring you.

Let it fly, I deserve all the comments...... Respectfully submitted to the moderators and contributors to this forum, thank you for all you have done to assist me in my journey. PF


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

So she wants to put off the divorce but not rule out R? All the while she does not promise NC?


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> So she wants to put off the divorce but not rule out R? All the while she does not promise NC?


She won't commit to do anything at all, can't even get her to see that there is enough to save, therefore, I can't try anymore. 

She has to want to fight for me. At this point, the point of no return, she can't or won't, and now will loose me forever.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

It was a moment of weakness.you still loved her.less than a day later she showed you what she really is like.look at it like a learning experience(tho you should have known by now).get yourself tested.you don't have too much longer till divorce.best of luck.don't beat yourself up to bad.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Sir life is too short please get tested for STDs. 

This kind of reminds me the advice that was in " there is something about Mary" 

You should have unloaded your guy before she came over


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Nah! No man needs that much "hair mousse". :lol:

Perfectstorm, 

I'll admit to you that I had sex with my exH once right before the divorce was final too. Hey, the fact is, until that paper was signed, we were married, we were adults, and we both wanted to! And the other fact is that although he was unfaithful, I'd been pretty much celibate for about a year, so that can wear on a person. 

Soooo...you learned a big lesson that I think someone people don't "get" until they get to this place in life: you don't divorce someone because you stop loving them. I eventually came to accept that I would always have some feelings for my exH because he was my husband for so long and the father of my children. Sure he put a sledgehammer to that and I did eventually remarry (and ADORE my Dear Hubby!), but it's like a child...you don't stop loving the first one when you have a second one. 

My point is not that you'll pine away for your exW forever, but rather, I think the day will come that you realize you didn't divorce her because you stopping loving her. You divorced her because the damage done was more damage than the relationship could withstand. It went beyond the point of no return. And then you accept that, and move on the chapter two, and chapter one fades.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> Nah! No man needs that much "hair mousse". :lol:
> 
> Perfectstorm,
> 
> ...


I expected a totally different response from you! While I'm pleasantly surprised you didn't hand me my bum, I also feel that one of the few ultimate failures in life is divorce.

You are 100 percent correct. Despite all the things she has done to me I am still in love with her and that is the worst betrayal pain of all. To be in love, true deep committed love, and watch your WW walk out the door....... Thank you for your support! I am grateful!


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> She won't commit to do anything at all, can't even get her to see that there is enough to save, therefore, I can't try anymore.
> 
> She has to want to fight for me. At this point, the point of no return, she can't or won't, and now will loose me forever.



YOU are as st Thomas .... he needed to touch the wound of Jesus to believe it was really him .... touch it to believe it! 
I just hope that this experience can finally give you the strength to close permanently, divorce and move on with your life. 
You did nothing wrong trying to R. but now that you know you cant continue to live this way anymore
Now Clean your shoes on the mat and do not look back!


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

jack.c said:


> YOU are as st Thomas .... he needed to touch the wound of Jesus to believe it was really him .... touch it to believe it!
> I just hope that this experience can finally give you the strength to close permanently, divorce and move on with your life.
> You did nothing wrong trying to R. but now that you know you cant continue to live this way anymore
> Now Clean your shoes on the mat and do not look back!


I thank you Jack, very wise words!

I expected to get demolished for putting my latest trial out there but felt I owed it to everybody to finish the story so others could learn......

Your kindness pays forward!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Get tested...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Perfectstorm said:


> She won't commit to do anything at all, can't even get her to see that there is enough to save, therefore, I can't try anymore.
> 
> She has to want to fight for me. At this point, the point of no return, she can't or won't, and now will loose me forever.


You mean having an intimate moment did not lead her to say that she would consider monogamy with you?

Just detach and move forward, as you intend. Let her sort her own mind out in good time. Probably you will not be an option by the the time she does.


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## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

:iagree:


LongWalk said:


> You mean having an intimate moment did not lead her to say that she would consider monogamy with you?
> 
> Just detach and move forward, as you intend. Let her sort her own mind out in good time. Probably you will not be an option by the the time she does.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You had what was called "goodbye sex". Nothing wrong with that. But her having exposed you to STDs is disgusting. But if anything, knowing she was stupid enough to do that should help you put the last emotional nail in the coffin of any feelings you had for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Perfectstorm said:


> I understand that by putting this out there on this forum I am going to get slammed. I am okay with that I made some bad decisions and I think those of you who have been following my post know where this is going!
> 
> For the past couple of months I have been trying to get my WW to turn around and see that she has been running from a marriage that loved her and wanted her! A couple of days ago we contacted each other and decided to get together and talk about things specifically whether or not we wanted to reconcile before the divorce paperwork became final in another two weeks!
> 
> ...


PS,

Based on everything you described about your wife; this reaction of hers was predictable. Maybe not to you, but to us.

You succumbed to your feelings. It was a mistake. Most of us make mistakes when dealing with a spouse's betrayal. At this point, I'm sure she feels she could have you back at any time if she would just fake remorse. But she's not even willing to do that. And you know what - that's a good thing for you. What would be worse; is going through a false R and her cheating again.

One thing you did right, was to keep the divorce process going. Finalize it, move on with your life, and find someone who will be faithful to you.


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