# If we know its bad, then why hesitate?



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

My husband told me about 2 weeks ago that he wanted to separate. Long story short, he thinks all of our issues are my fault, he won't come to counseling with me, and somehow he is squeaky-clean in this whole mess. 
He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore until after a job interview. The interview has come and gone, with no mention of the separation. He is talking about Valentine's plans and wanting sex.
I am done with this whole situation. His negative effect on me as a person is so great that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I am also worried about his negative effect on our daughter. He is now insisting that, at 4 years old, she is wetting the bed on purpose and it is my fault for "rewarding" her for bed wetting because I comfort her after cleaning her up and putting her back to bed. 
Anyway, my question to all of you is: If I know our relationship is bad, if I know how he treats me and our daughter is disrespectful and selfish, if I know he won't change and refuses help....then why I am having such a hard time pursuing the separation discussion follow-up? When he is being mean or disrespectful, in that moment, I could walk out and never go back. When he is in a positive mood for a few days, its like my guard is down and I am just so happy to have an emotional break that I can't bring myself to go through the conversation. 
I made an appointment with an attorney for Monday to get some legal perspective. I have two counselors (1 personal, 1 marriage), that have told me that without serious help, my husband would likely never change and all they could help me do is learn how to "survive" in the relationship and respond to his episodes. 
If I know it is so bad, why is it so hard to pull the plug?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

How do you spell "Deluded Narcissists?"


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

I am in a similar situation...I have been with my husband for 22 years - married for almost 12....I love with all my heart, but when I look back, he has never been all that great to me - well, at least in the ways most would consider to be great....I have learned through therapy that everyone shows love in different ways...he may have been doing the best he could....but the constant judgement, put downs, lack of communication, personal attacks and lack of effort in the marriage - shows me a man who does not care.

But I STILL want to save our marriage - and I am not sure why.

Although this week that feeling has lessened a bit and now I am on the fence about what I want. 

I love this man with all my heart, but he has issues I cannot fix and that he won't take responsibility for --- 

.....and I am realizing no matter whether I want this to work or not it may not happen because HE will not fix HIMSELF! I am torn between a D or R, but everyone says you will KNOW which route take in due time, and I hope that is true...we are in week 2 of what is supposed to be a 30 day separation ourselves...doing no contact this week....

I understand what you are feeling 100% - and wish I could have an anser to make it easier....but the truth is, the heart wants what it wants.......

{{{HUGS}}}}


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

I think because we invested so much into these relationships for one thing. For another, it's the norm, it's the comfort zone and what we know.


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