# Is it controlling?



## szymonurai (Mar 31, 2018)

Is it controlling for telling my wife she needs to downsize the amount of clothes that she has? Then standing firm and not giving in to the theatrics as she takes things to a level 10 immediately. She has a lot they aren't worn they just take up space. Shes been collecting them while she was single for many many years. Nobody ever told her she had too many. Her friends would never tell her because they are single women as well and envied her clothes. She never had a problem with space until she got married (Imagine that).

However, now she is married to me. We live in a small apartment with very limited space. She wants to get storage, but wants me to pay for the storage because she doesn't have a job. I'm giving that one a solid NO. I mean I'm willing to deal and make exceptions on things that I want. There are just way to many clothes.

This seems reasonable to me not controlling. 

I've accused her of being controlling before. I'm wondering if this is why. She would throw a fit if I told her about wanting to get back to my consistent workout schedule. She would make me eat sweets which I restrict from my diet. That seems controlling not asking for a wardrobe downsize because we don't have room.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

You’re both controlling.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How long have the two of you be married?

Why is your wife not working?

Storage will ruin her clothes, damp spaces with pests most of the time. At least in my area.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If she's taking up more than her fair share of space in a small apartment, then I think you have every right to request more room. (IOW, 'Please make more space for me in the closet by taking away X amount of your things.')

Let her be responsible for herself - that includes earning money to buy and store clothes.

If you're in a situation where you've agreed to take care of her, then you're within your right to limit her. If she objects, she's free to get a job and pay for the things she wants.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Asking her to downsize her wardrobe is going to be hard on her. Like you taking pride in working out like you do, your wife takes pride in her clothing. It’s not controlling it’s a compromise. Talk it out with out raising voices.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Asking her to downsize her wardrobe is going to be hard on her. Like you taking pride in working out like you do, your wife takes pride in her clothing. It’s not controlling it’s a compromise. Talk it out with out raising voices.


They share an apartment with limited space. This woman doesn't work. If downsizing her clothing cache and limiting purchasing more is so "hard on her", she can get a JOB so they can afford a larger place with more space and afford her ongoing purchases.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Livvie said:


> They share an apartment with limited space. This woman doesn't work. If downsizing her clothing cache and limiting purchasing more is so "hard on her", she can get a JOB so they can afford a larger place with more space and afford her ongoing purchases.


And the two of them can come to this conclusion together. They are the two that have to work through this just like any problem that will arise in the future. It’s part of being a couple, they have to learn to work through things together. 

If they can’t then their relationship is doomed to fail.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

How many of them still fit her?
How many of them are even still 
in style? Ask her these questions
and maybe she will get rid of some.
Most women like her sometimes
do not want to wear things that are
out of style. If they do not fit why keep them?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While the black and white answer, even the practical answer to this is "Tell her to get a job or get rid of them" that approach is rarely successful in marriage.

I have a stack of clothes, I am a SAHW. If my husband demanded I get rid of them or told me to "get a job and pay for it myself" it wouldn't go down well.

Are you being controlling? No, but you can't demand that she gets rid of them either, you're her husband, not her parent.

They're just clothes...can't she vacuum pack them and store them under the bed or something??

Pick your battles OP. Seriously.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I decided a couple of decades ago to stop paying storage and just deal with it. The money that you use for storage could be used to get a bigger apartment, save for a down payment on a house, pay a larger monthly mortgage ....... And as someone else said, there's no guarantee that the stuff comes back in any useable condition. 

Ask her of her clothes, what still fits; what's still in style' what does she still like and need ........ She might be able to make a bit of money taking those things to a consignment shop. See if you can get her to buy into shared financial goals.

In other words, try to to use reason and facts to get her to change her behavior / preferences.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

szymonurai said:


> Is it controlling for telling my wife she needs to downsize the amount of clothes that she has? Then standing firm and not giving in to the theatrics as she takes things to a level 10 immediately. She has a lot they aren't worn they just take up space. Shes been collecting them while she was single for many many years. Nobody ever told her she had too many. Her friends would never tell her because they are single women as well and envied her clothes. She never had a problem with space until she got married (Imagine that).
> 
> However, now she is married to me. We live in a small apartment with very limited space. She wants to get storage, but wants me to pay for the storage because she doesn't have a job. I'm giving that one a solid NO. I mean I'm willing to deal and make exceptions on things that I want. There are just way to many clothes.
> 
> ...


*As long as it's done very lovingly and diplomatically, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it! 

You're dealing with many years of her own personal feelings about herself and her past; please tread lightly!*


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

If it were me, I would focus on acquiring enough space myself than choose for her what she gets rid of to accommodate my space needs.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> While the black and white answer, even the practical answer to this is "Tell her to get a job or get rid of them" that approach is rarely successful in marriage.
> 
> I have a stack of clothes, I am a SAHW. If my husband demanded I get rid of them or told me to "get a job and pay for it myself" it wouldn't go down well.
> 
> ...


There are so many clothes that a storage unit is needed to store them, that she wants her husband to pay for.

So if you are saying he can't demand that she get rid of them, you really are saying that he needs to give in to *her* demand to keep them and have him pay to store them.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> There are so many clothes that a storage unit is needed to store them, that she wants her husband to pay for.
> 
> So if you are saying he can't demand that she get rid of them, you really are saying that he needs to give in to *her* demand to keep them and have him pay to store them.


No I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying there's a compromise here, but nobody is trying to find it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Honestly dude this is marriage. You guys have to learn to work together, talk this thing out and at the end of the day keep the bigger picture in mind. The bigger picture being you are building a marriage together, that takes compromise and your leadership. I suggest you go about talking to her this way and not, "Why do I have to pay for all your stupid clothes". There surely is a compromise here to be had.



> Then standing firm and not giving in to the theatrics as she takes things to a level 10 immediately.


So this is not a good sign. And should be addressed regardless of the clothing issue. 

Why is she in a smaller space then she was before you got married? Also why is she not working?


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