# Contraception in marriage



## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Hi everyone, 

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this question but really need your advice concerning contraception. 

I am 23 and will be getting married in a few months. I am a virgin never had any sexual contact and since I will be getting married soon my fiancé and I have agreed to not have children maybe after 2 years. However, if it happens it happens, but for the time being I really do not want children yet. Since we are both young I still want to practice in my legal career first before I actually take the decision to just look after children. However, I have no real knowledge of actual contraception and am worried about the risks of it. I do want children but I don't want to risk not being able to conceive in the future. 

So, though my question may seem really ignorant and misinformed. What contraception is best to use that will not cause so much affects? And if I was to stop it will everything go back to normal and will be able to normally conceive? 

Thanks


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> So, though my question may seem really ignorant and misinformed. What contraception is best to use that will not cause so much affects? And if I was to stop it will everything go back to normal and will be able to normally conceive?


The best solution for your age and situation would be the female birth control pill. If you only plan to use them for a few years, the side effects should be minimal and you should be able to resume your normal fertility just after you stop taking them. 

Condoms are too problematic due to the temptations to explore what it feels like without using one. 

An IUD can cause very heavy bleeding, and may be a little traumatic to have it inserted and/or removed. 

The timing method, while OK, can be unpredictable because the female cycle can be altered by stress. And if you are just getting married and moving in together, there is going to be stress as the two of you adjust to a new life that is shared.

Coitus Interuptus can work also, but can be too difficult unless the male has extraordinary control. If you are a virgin, there has been NO opportunity to practice this level of control, and besides most couples want to climax while together. 

Hopefully there will be more options for birth control in the future that are not so hormone dependent. But for now scientists say that it is medically easier to stop just one egg each month than it is to try and stop millions and millions of sperm a day (the average male produces 85 million sperm a day per testicle).

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

badsanta said:


> The best solution for your age and situation would be the female birth control pill. If you only plan to use them for a few years, the side effects should be minimal and you should be able to resume your normal fertility just after you stop taking them.
> 
> An IUD can cause very heavy bleeding, and may be a little traumatic to have it inserted and/or removed.


I'd recommend the birth control pill. However you have to be very consistent in taking it at the same time everyday. Set a daily alarm on your phone and throw the pack in your purse. Easy does it. There are different brands and you may have to experiment with several before you find the right one. 

The reaction to an IUD can be different for different people however this method is for a longer term birth control. I did not experience heavy bleeding. I would not recommend an IUD for short term nor for a virgin. You will be traumatized with the insertion. Otherwise, I would completely recommend that.

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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I might do condoms for the first 6 months or a year to build a baseline on what a normal sex drive feels like. Then try the pill, there are many different formulations which can be experimented with if you don't like the effects of a particular pill. But you won't know the difference if you haven't been having sex without the pill. 

Also, talk to your doctor about when the pill is not reliable. You need to take it every night without fail and if you go on an antibiotic for instance you need to use condoms as a backup. Those are the big pill related potholes I think. Recovering fertility is generally not an issue but discuss that with your doctor if you are concerned about it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I would go with the pill at the start. After a few years just switch to condoms since we all know marriage leads to a lot less sex


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Thank you everyone for your advice on this matter. I'll definitely check out the birth control pill and see what the doctor will say about this before I get married. ?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

zio said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice on this matter. I'll definitely check out the birth control pill and see what the doctor will say about this before I get married. ?


Definitely the pill OP. Like others have said, you will have a to try a few before you find the right one. My doctor insisted on one that I absolutely hated. I did my own research, tried 2 more before I finally found one that worked for me. I have yet to notice any side effects. The types of hormones in there and the amount of each was what I payed special attention to as they determined the side effects and benefits.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I got pregnant on the pill with perfect use simply because I got a lung infection and the antibiotic prescribed reduced the effectiveness of the pill. Neither my doctor or the pharmacist informed me that there could be a problem and to use a back up method. That lack of information resulted in my daughter. So, if you go the pill route, be very careful with potential interactions with other medications, over the counter or prescribed.

Personally, I have had too many friends online and in real life have side effects from the pill. Weight gain, headaches, dizziness, and low libido being the most common. I am now no longer a fan of hormonal birth control for many reasons. I'd suggest condoms for the first few months until you adjust physically to having sex and then seriously consider switching to a non-hormonal copper IUD. IUD's are good for about 5 years, but can be removed whenever you wish.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

zio said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice on this matter. I'll definitely check out the birth control pill and see what the doctor will say about this before I get married. ?




You should start on the pill a couple months before you get married. When you start it, you will have irregular periods and spotting and it takes sometime to get adjusted. This way, when you are newly married your irregular spotting/period won't get in the way of any romance


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

A huge concern I have in your post is that you intend to practice law and then after a few years you intend to quit and just look after the children. This will cause a huge strain on your marriage as far as finances go. Have you talked to your future husband about this?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I took the pill the first few years I was married. I had no side effects and was very happy with it. I got pregnant within a few months (planned) after I quit taking it. A few years later I got an IUD after my doctor recommended getting off the pill for awhile. I did have side effects and also got pregnant while using it (that pregnancy ended in a first trimester miscarriage). Since I had only wanted one child, and didn't want to continue dealing with birth control, I decided to get my tubes tied. For me, that was the perfect birth control decision after my family was complete. All of that was decades ago and there are probably different options these days but between the pill and an IUD, my experience was much better with the pill. Everyone is different though and you'll probably have to experiment to find the best solution for you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> You should start on the pill a couple months before you get married. When you start it, you will have irregular periods and spotting and it takes sometime to get adjusted. This way, when you are newly married your irregular spotting/period won't get in the way of any romance


Yes, this is important. Also it can take a while for the pill to go into effect, primarily because the doctor prescribing them may require for your appointment to be during a certain part of your cycle for an exam. Your OBGYN may not even be able to schedule you an appointment during your next cycle in the event they are busy. So a decision to start BC pills will not be useful while you are waiting for weeks just to get an appointment so that you can start a prescription.

If you are a virgin, you may not even have a OBGYN yet! Do NOT assume your primary care provider will be able or willing to prescribe these for you just because they are your "doctor" at the moment. Odds are your doctor will refer you to a OBGYN if you do not have one, and you will be waiting just to get an appointment!

Badsanta


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

zio said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this question but really need your advice concerning contraception.
> 
> ...


I had same conversation with my W she was on Pill and we planned to wait a couple years, moved in together Feb and she was Pregnant by May, Pill is not 100% effective


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Nothing is 100% effective against abstinence.

And I do not suggest abstinence for newlyweds. I experienced it and it was awful.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

unless she has a high medical risk for blood clots, the best is her to be on the pill. end of discussion


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife wanted to use the rhythm method, being from a Christian background. She got pregnant in 5 months.

Then she wanted to use an IUD. That hurt. Both of us. They did not mention the string attached to the IUD. And she bled more. The IUD is just bad.

She switched to the pill within two months. Stayed on that from 1975 'till 1981. She stopped, and we used condoms for 6 months before she got pregnant by choice. Then we had another baby right after that.

She was sterilized after the third baby. That works well for contraception.

The children were all born healthy. And, as she says, all of them are smart asses.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

What happens if you just time and take precautions during your cycle without using anything? Would that be too risky?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

My wife took the Pill for years with no problems, now that we are done having kids she is using a Mirena IUD (2nd one now) with no problems.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would absolutely start on the pill now.

Then after you are no longer a virgin, I would switch to an IUD so you don't have to deal with any "user error" when you forget your pill.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> I would go with the pill at the start. After a few years just switch to condoms since we all know marriage leads to a lot less sex


Not for them, they are waiting for marriage till they have sex.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The rhythm method supposedly works. My wife got pregnant in April of 1974. So that was only 5 months after we started having sex. I can't say that was any better than just luck. But having studied the issue, it is true the method should work.

However, my wife was not careful. I discovered she never actually timed her period at all. She just guessed. She didn't care at all if she got pregnant or not. 

There are lots of books on the rhythm method of birth control. How to judge your fertile days is the important part. You can actually discover a lot of useful information in books about how to get pregnant, and apply it in reverse, by avoiding unprotected sex the days when you are most likely to conceive, and a few days before and after.

The most important thing to know, as with any birth control method, is you can get pregnant. If you can live with that, it can be fun. I was a bit miffed at my wife when I discovered she had been just making up her information on her periods, but I love my son. He is a great man, and I am very proud of him.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Not for them, they are waiting for marriage till they have sex.


Lol, I guess that is one way to look at it. As long as they compare their sex frequency post marriage to pre marriage they should always be ahead of the game :grin2:


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Go on the pill 3 months before wedding so your body can adjust to the hormones. Make sure you get into the habit of taking them or it will be ineffective. 

Please reconsider giving up your profession when you have kids. This is something that both of you have to decide on, after looking at the many different angles. This is your prime earning period and being a SAHM is not for everone. Make sure you payoff all your loans first before you even think of this.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Lol, I guess that is one way to look at it. As long as they compare their sex frequency post marriage to pre marriage they should always be ahead of the game :grin2:


Yep, unless she's marrying someone like John Ruskin.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I used Natural Family Planning during my entire 10 year marriage and we only ever conceived when we actively tried (sidenote- not counting our first of three. That was when we were very young -20- and irresponsible). NFP works incredibly well if you have a regular, predictable cycle and are organized and responsible enough to follow all protocol. 

I had my third child two years ago and have been on Lo Loestrin Fe (pill) ever since. I have an alarm that goes off at the same time every night and I have never missed a pill. Hormonal birth control pills work very well when they are taken as prescribed. User error accounts for the very vast majority of accidental pregnancies. Missing pills, not taking them at the same time each day, taking other medication without looking into a reduced effectiveness, etc.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

brooklynAnn said:


> Go on the pill 3 months before wedding so your body can adjust to the hormones. Make sure you get into the habit of taking them or it will be ineffective.
> 
> Please reconsider giving up your profession when you have kids. This is something that both of you have to decide on, after looking at the many different angles. This is your prime earning period and being a SAHM is not for everone. Make sure you payoff all your loans first before you even think of this.


Well I'll definitely be heading to the doctor sooner than later then. Lucky, I made this thread or I would have went to the doctor about a week before the wedding lol

As for my profession, I will work until we decide to have children. Once children come we both agreed that I will leave my work and dedicate my whole time raising them. We are already financially stable and everything is already paid off. I will be working for experience rather than just for money. However, in the future if I ever have children once they are old enough I'll probably start work again or even start my own business.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

EllisRedding said:


> Lol, I guess that is one way to look at it. As long as they compare their sex frequency post marriage to pre marriage they should always be ahead of the game :grin2:





Personal said:


> Yep, unless she's marrying someone like John Ruskin.



I don't understand :/


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

zio said:


> I don't understand :/


You're not the only one. I don't get the reference, either.

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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

zio said:


> I don't understand :/




You will.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You will.


Please explain.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

zio said:


> What happens if you just time and take precautions during your cycle without using anything? Would that be too risky?


If you understand how your cycle works and you are charting daily, this will work if you are willing to practice abstinence during your fertile phase.

When you are in your fertile phase, you will want sex more than at any other time in your cycle. It is virtually impossible to avoid sex during the time you are most likely to become pregnant, therefore you would need a backup method. Some people use condoms or a diaphragm. If you choose to do this, I recommend you use two methods such as condoms and a diaphragm at the same time.

I used the fertility awareness method and it was great, except my backup method failed. lol Due to charting, I knew exactly what day to expect my period. When it didn't arrive and due to my charting and temperature, I knew I was pregnant before I even missed my period.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> unless she has a high medical risk for blood clots, the best is her to be on the pill. end of discussion


I didn't know we had a medical professional on board. Or is it just a selfish a**hole who won't do his part in contraception because he's too damned selfish? I'm betting it's the latter.

Personally, I think your husband should use condoms and you should double up with a barrier method. Do that for 6 months or a year. I'm telling you right now - if you take over the contraception* right from the get go*, your husband will turn into the same kind of selfish ass I quoted above, always expecting YOU to take 100% of the responsibility for contraception. 

And if you go on the pill right now, that's the type of ass you'll create.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

zio said:


> I don't understand :/





Maricha75 said:


> You're not the only one. I don't get the reference, either.


Effie Gray didn't get John Ruskin either, fortunately for her a painter helped her out.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I didn't know we had a medical professional on board. Or is it just a selfish a**hole who won't do his part in contraception because he's too damned selfish? I'm betting it's the latter.
> 
> Personally, I think your husband should use condoms and you should double up with a barrier method. Do that for 6 months or a year. I'm telling you right now - if you take over the contraception* right from the get go*, your husband will turn into the same kind of selfish ass I quoted above, always expecting YOU to take 100% of the responsibility for contraception.
> 
> And if you go on the pill right now, that's the type of ass you'll create.


Well, that's perhaps a BIT strong <g>. But I do kind of agree, I did vote for condoms for a while then the pill later. 

I don't have a lot of sympathy for the vivid condom haters, but I also don't think every guy who would prefer the pill and no condoms as a selfish ******* . Some maybe, just not every one...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

After my wife had her tubes tied one of her male relatives made some remark about that being good for me so I could have another family with my next wife. That comment did bother my wife.

I chose to have a vasectomy. Insurance wouldn't pay since they had just paid for her tubal ligation. I paid for it myself. Then the guy said that was good because now I wouldn't have to worry about getting my girlfriend pregnant when I have an affair.

But you know, that comment didn't bother my wife at all.

The world is full of idiots. You can't avoid them. Some of them are even related to us.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And if you go on the pill right now, that's the type of ass you'll create.


Thanks for that in depth analysis. Now I know that modern medicine is the root of my attractiveness deficiency. And all this time I thought it was because I was Ugly as a bridge troll.

Mrs Nail and I decided that since it was her Body she would make the decisions on when we would try for children and she also decided which forms of contraception SHE preferred. We tried a few options. She found a daily pill to be much more convenient for her than a Double barrier system.

As to the main point of this thread I firmly believe that every couple should decide together when and if and how many children they want, and it is Strictly no one elses business. That includes extended family, clergy, and friends.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I didn't know we had a medical professional on board. Or is it just a selfish a**hole who won't do his part in contraception because he's too damned selfish? I'm betting it's the latter.
> 
> Personally, I think your husband should use condoms and you should double up with a barrier method. Do that for 6 months or a year. I'm telling you right now - if you take over the contraception* right from the get go*, your husband will turn into the same kind of selfish ass I quoted above, always expecting YOU to take 100% of the responsibility for contraception.
> 
> And if you go on the pill right now, that's the type of ass you'll create.


Well, that's utter nonsense. I was on the pill early in my marriage. I actually got pregnant right away, but our first child was born, I was on the pill for awhile, then we switched to condoms and other methods. We used the pill, condoms, and spermicides for years until I chose to get my tubes tied when I had my third c-section. My husband was never an ass about contraceptives, and I definitely take offense to the notion of a woman choosing to use the pill creates an ass of a husband! 

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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Just adding my two cents, but I would recommend the pill, because you are virgin. Condoms have some benefits, but they are not reliable, particularly if both of you are inexperienced. The IUD has changed and is way better than it was in the 70's and 80's. My friends who have the Mirena IUD love it. But, I just got one placed today to stop bleeding (The copper one increases bleeding the Mirena tends to stop bleeding) and it hurt. It might be a good option after you have had some positive sexual experiences, but I can imagine that that feeling without some fun stuff to balance it out would put you off letting anybody put anything in you.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Pull out method does wonders, but the pill works too. 

The pill can have side effects, but every girl that I dated never had a problem. A couple friends of mine had there girlfriends get on the pill and they blew up like a blimp. 

Oh btw... congrats to you and your future husband. 

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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

zio said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this question but really need your advice concerning contraception.
> 
> ...



When Mrs.CuddleBug and I got engaged, we discussed this as well. We decided that she goes on birth control pills, we waited about 6 months to be sure its taken effect and I also got checked for STD's. No problems, both have been done with no issues.

Side effects of birth control could be lowered sex drive and possible bloating. If that happens, try another brand of birth control and wait and see.

I asked her, would you want me to wear condoms? Mrs.CuddleBug said, no, and looked at me funny. She didn't like the fact of me wearing condoms in her, so I've never worn any to this day, 17+ years later.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Well, after talking to my fiance about this topic again. He is unsure about contraceptions in general and me using the pill by risking the fact it could make me 'infertile' and that 'everyones body is different and reacts to it differently'. On top of that it seems like he is unwilling to even use the pull out method nor does he want to risk me being infertile, but wants to see a doctor about this. I really do not want to find myself pregnant after 1 month through the marriage, this makes me more worried now


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

@zio I think you're over thinking this process. Is your fiance a virgin?

Only option would be condoms or no sex. 

Talk to your doc. The pill will work and you'll still have kids. I think every couple I know has children and the wives used the pill.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Personally, I have had too many friends online and in real life have side effects from the pill. Weight gain, headaches, dizziness, and low libido being the most common. I am now no longer a fan of hormonal birth control for many reasons. I'd suggest condoms for the first few months until you adjust physically to having sex and then seriously consider switching to a non-hormonal copper IUD. IUD's are good for about 5 years, but can be removed whenever you wish.


Interesting. I was on the pill 25 -30 years ago before I ever got married and I had weight gain as a side effect. My breasts got bigger too, so that was good. But not the weight gain. I craved food all the time. When I went off the pill 7 or so years after starting it, I had an adjustment period where I got acne and noticed body odor for a couple months. A second puberty. Yay?

About 10 years ago though an OBGYN recommended I get on the pill for some health reason (a polyp or something). I didn't do it, but she said the pill is a very low dose compared to when I was younger with much less side efffects, so it sounds like improvements have been made. 

I would recommend condoms with spermicidal jelly at first, except that they do kill spontaneity. That would put a damper on the newlywed fun. 

I understand there is some kind of long term patch now too. And maybe shots?

Maybe the OP should talk to a trusted OBGYN Dr.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I didn't know we had a medical professional on board. Or is it just a selfish a**hole who won't do his part in contraception because he's too damned selfish? I'm betting it's the latter.
> 
> Personally, I think your husband should use condoms and you should double up with a barrier method. Do that for 6 months or a year. I'm telling you right now - if you take over the contraception* right from the get go*, your husband will turn into the same kind of selfish ass I quoted above, always expecting YOU to take 100% of the responsibility for contraception.
> 
> And if you go on the pill right now, that's the type of ass you'll create.


That seems a little harsh! If he's not an ass, I doubt her being on the pill will turn him into one. If he takes responsibility for birth control does that make *her *an ass?

regardless, your post reminded me of a friend I had years ago who was married with two kids and on the pill but started getting blood clots and had to go off the pill. Her husband would not get a vasectomy or use a condom. They ended up divorced.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

zio said:


> Well, after talking to my fiance about this topic again. He is unsure about contraceptions in general and me using the pill by risking the fact it could make me 'infertile' and that 'everyones body is different and reacts to it differently'. On top of that it seems like he is unwilling to even use the pull out method nor does he want to risk me being infertile, but wants to see a doctor about this. I really do not want to find myself pregnant after 1 month through the marriage, this makes me more worried now


That being the case you might actually end up with a man like the famed Victorian era English art critic and patron John Ruskin, Who married Effie Gray then failed to consummate his marriage for a myriad of reasons. To the point that it created a scandal, when she sought an annulment and then married the Pre-Raphaelite painter John Everett Millais.

"He alleged various reasons, hatred to children, religious motives, a desire to preserve my beauty, and, finally this last year he told me his true reason... that he had imagined women were quite different to what he saw I was, and that the reason he did not make me his Wife was because he was disgusted with my person the first evening 10th April." - Effie Gray


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Personal said:


> That being the case you might actually end up with a man like the famed Victorian era English art critic and patron John Ruskin, Who married Effie Gray then failed to consummate his marriage for a myriad of reasons. To the point that it created a scandal, when she sought an annulment and then married the Pre-Raphaelite painter John Everett Millais.
> 
> "He alleged various reasons, hatred to children, religious motives, a desire to preserve my beauty, and, finally this last year he told me his true reason... that he had imagined women were quite different to what he saw I was, and that the reason he did not make me his Wife was because he was disgusted with my person the first evening 10th April." - Effie Gray


Actually, he is the one that wants children more than me and doesn't care if it happens at the very beginning. I am the one that wants to delay children but not sure what to do since he is worried about the affects of contraception. Hope this makes sense now.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Most women do not have a problem with the contraceptive pill, which includes my wife amongst others. That said the contraceptive pill is not 100% failsafe, so you should be cognisant of the risks.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Condoms are risk free since no chemicals are used or devices inserted into the vagina. My wife took birth control pills prior to our marriage and she was a virgin too. As a result she got a blood clot that kept her bedridden for a year and forced me to quit college to get a full time job to pay the mounting medical bills. After that she tried a diaphragm and various devices inserted into her vagina but they all had unacceptable side effects. The sad part is that when we attempted to have kids I was found to be infertile and my wife had so many operations due to the the various birth control devices she tried and other reasons, that she had too much scar tissue to support an egg so she was never able to get pregnant. 

Condoms are the safest way to have birth control but as with all other methods, it is only 99% effective and there is the danger of throwing caution to the wind on occasion which will result in a pregnancy. I am no doctor so talk to one and see if any methods other than a condom appeal to you. I rarely used a condom. They broke the mood and back in my day they really reduced sensitivity. A lot of guys do not want to use them in a committed relationship. There is also a vasectomy. They can be reversed and your husband's sperm can be frozen just in case should it be needed at a later date. There is also the rhythm method which you doctor can explain to you. You basically track your monthly cycle and figure out your fertile days and avoid intercourse on those days. Not very effective in practice though.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> Actually, he is the one that wants children more than me and doesn't care if it happens at the very beginning. I am the one that wants to delay children but not sure what to do since *he is worried about the affects of contraception.* Hope this makes sense now.


If HE is the one worried and he indeed wan you to be as healthy as you can be, then a barrier method is preferable. If you think he may object to condoms AND you are just trying to delay children for a while, then you could try a diaphragm. Combining a diaphragm with the timing method should be sufficient, and you can ask him to wear a condom during your fertile days or at moments when the diaphragm may prove awkward.

While many men complain about condoms, many aspects about them can be rather erotic as well if you can each view them from a playful perspective. You can playfully brag to him how much better it will be without them and ask him to use his imagination as a way to tease him. 80% of sex happens in the mind, and the more you can stimulate his mind during sex, the better it can be for him! 

My wife had some medical complications that lead to the decision that I did not want her taking hormonal BC anymore and I agreed that I would take responsibility for contraception. Her OBGYN freaked out about this by the way, claiming that it would be a bad idea because men do not like options that are available to us (condom, vasectomy, or withdrawal). So I went back to condoms for a brief period and I tried to make the most of it by reliving all my teenage moments together with my wife. 

Of all the different ones we tried, lambskin condoms felt the best for the BOTH of us in that I could hardly feel them and they felt very natural to her as well. They are however a bit expensive at about $3.00 to $4.00 a condom compared to others that only cost about $0.20 each. Another awkward thing about lambskin condoms is that they do NOT do well if you try to place them on for any significant time prior to penetration as they dry out and the texture becomes rather leathery in a crinkly kind of way. So you can not let them dry out. For this reason they should not be used during any forms of foreplay.

Some men may enjoy condoms for what is known as a "posh wank" in that they do not have to worry about making a mess AND they can allow themselves to get accustomed to how it feels to wear a condom. You should recommend that your husband try this if he experiences problems with them, but cheap latex condoms are best suited for this as lambskin ones will dry out. 

By the way DO make it a point to be very open and discuss your views about masturbation with your partner. Hopefully you are both open to it and can enjoy the aspect of how desire sometimes needs a little distance from one another to thrive. If this is the case, you could buy him a box of condoms now, and ask him to begin experimenting with them on his own solo while he thinks about you. THIS type of thing will go a long way towards helping him feel confident and comfortable with them when it is time to become active together. Otherwise they actually can be awkward and stressful, which will kill the mood. Start with latex ones and the graduate to lambskin for a special occasion. Then before you know it you may not even need them again!

Best thing about this is if for any reason you need to resume non hormonal birth control after being married for 10 years or more, you will have some fun memories to replay together with condoms that can serve to even help add a little spice to your lovemaking. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Never tried lambskin. Interesting 

Santa is right.... grab some latex condom ultra thin lubricated. You don't nees the spermicide ones.

Have your future husband practice with one on. On a positive note he won't pull the trigger as fast wearing a condom (if he has that problem)

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

zio said:


> Actually, he is the one that wants children more than me and doesn't care if it happens at the very beginning. I am the one that wants to delay children but not sure what to do since he is worried about the affects of contraception. Hope this makes sense now.


If he is so concerned about the effects of contraception, ask him to do some research and talk about with the doctor. I too was concerned and resisted the pill for a very long time as I was fine using condoms. Much of what I feared about the pill was just hearsay and my own conspiracy theories. I ended up on them after my doctor suggested I strongly reconsider as I was developing terrible hormonal acne and she was concerned about anemia from my heavy flow. I gave up and tried it as I couldn't bear the cystic acne anymore. Sure enough face is now peachy, cycle is lighter and through trial&error/research I found a pill with no noticeable side effects.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

I'm back. 

So, I did my research on this, and stupidly my appointment with my doctor is next week and I delayed it for so long because of all the stress of wedding planning. I literally have 2 weeks left and I am so anxious and worried. I am definitely going to go on the pill because 1) I highly doubt abstinence is going to be effective for this period, and 2) the natural timing method is not going to work for me, my period is already late because of my stress levels. I am so worried, I really do not want to get pregnant right now (but I do in the future), I just hope that if I start taking the pill next week it will be effective within these 22 days


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I didn't know we had a medical professional on board. Or is it just a selfish a**hole who won't do his part in contraception because he's too damned selfish? I'm betting it's the latter.


While this is sarcasm, it has prompted for me stop and say this. OP's question is best suited for her gynecologist. And I would bet that most of us are not medical doctors.

OP, please consult a doctor on contraceptives. Before you go, do some research for yourself and ask questions to find out what's best for you. 

There's plenty of reputable sites with good information: Birth Control: Information about Contraception Types and Methods



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Personally, I think your husband should use condoms and you should double up with a barrier method. Do that for 6 months or a year. I'm telling you right now - if you take over the contraception* right from the get go*, your husband will turn into the same kind of selfish ass I quoted above, always expecting YOU to take 100% of the responsibility for contraception. And if you go on the pill right now, that's the type of ass you'll create.


Yeah, a virgin who has never had sex should ruin their first sexual experiences with condoms. That's a stellar idea. Condoms greatly reduce sensitivity and make sex far less enjoyable. OP and hubs will relish their wedding night even more with condoms...

As a legal professional, OP can likely appreciate that women have 100% of reproductive rights in a court system that's tilted to her gender. So while we're at it, why not have women own 100% responsibility for contraception too? The pill seems like a reasonable solution out of the chute. Plenty of other alternatives too. 

But let me reiterate, newly weds shouldn't be ruining sex with condoms. In a few years time, after OP has kids and sex slows to a trickle, the memories of sex will become important. So let those memories be good ones! 

Condoms are for casual sex, not for marriage.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

back in the day it was either "the pill" or condoms. Condoms are a poor choice when used alone, BUT if combined with spermicidal foam, they are as reliable as "the pill".

There are improved IUDs now, but i know nothing worth commenting on them.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> Condoms are for casual sex, not for marriage.


EXCEPT for some women who are not medically allowed to take "the pill". Women who have had blood clots previously, for instance.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

zio said:


> I'm back.
> 
> So, I did my research on this, and stupidly my appointment with my doctor is next week and I delayed it for so long because of all the stress of wedding planning. I literally have 2 weeks left and I am so anxious and worried. I am definitely going to go on the pill because 1) I highly doubt abstinence is going to be effective for this period, and 2) the natural timing method is not going to work for me, my period is already late because of my stress levels. I am so worried, I really do not want to get pregnant right now (but I do in the future), I just hope that if I start taking the pill next week it will be effective within these 22 days


Depending on the pill, it should be safe after 7 days of taking it consistently.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

zio said:


> I'm back.
> 
> So, I did my research on this, and stupidly my appointment with my doctor is next week and I delayed it for so long because of all the stress of wedding planning. I literally have 2 weeks left and I am so anxious and worried. I am definitely going to go on the pill because 1) I highly doubt abstinence is going to be effective for this period, and 2) the natural timing method is not going to work for me, my period is already late because of my stress levels. I am so worried, I really do not want to get pregnant right now (but I do in the future), I just hope that if I start taking the pill next week it will be effective within these 22 days


USE CONDOMS. If you combine condoms with natural family planning done properly, the failure rate is sometimes even less than the pill.

My daughter who is 22 has done a ton of research into hormonal birth control methods (the pill, Mirena, the shot, etc) and will NEVER use them. Sure you can get pregnant when you want to and have healthy babies, but for many women, once they reach perimenopause they have nothing but problems. She also avoids soy for the same reasons - many of the health issues don't show up for decades.

Once things settle down for you, start reading up on hormones and learn how they affect you now and in the future, and how to balance them properly. Many family doctors don't have a clue, so you need to do a ton of reading about it on your own if you want a balanced opinion.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Well, I'm just going to use it for a really short amount of time because I really don't even know anything about these things nor have I had anyone tell me, and it's really difficult for me to do the natural planning method because my period has been all over the place so definitely not going to risk it the first time. As for the use of condoms, my fiancé is not sure about using them because of people's experience with them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hands down! ~ Birth Control Pills for her!*


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

badsanta said:


> The best solution for your age and situation would be the female birth control pill. If you only plan to use them for a few years, the side effects should be minimal and you should be able to resume your normal fertility just after you stop taking them.
> 
> Condoms are too problematic due to the temptations to explore what it feels like without using one.
> 
> ...


Agree 100%. Be aware that every woman has side effects to hormonal methods. Some women get bigger tits, some women feel upset stomach every day. My wife has no libedo on the pill/mini pill and felt like crap so it was no good for us, but her friends have much better results. We have 3 kiddos and I am getting snipped in 2 weeks. :grin2:

Congratulations! Check out the One Extraordinary Marriage podcast--huge help.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

zio said:


> Well, I'm just going to use it for a really short amount of time because I really don't even know anything about these things nor have I had anyone tell me, and it's really difficult for me to do the natural planning method because my period has been all over the place so definitely not going to risk it the first time. As for the use of condoms, my fiancé is not sure about using them because of people's experience with them.


We have used condoms for 24 years, no issues. 

I tried the pill for two days, early on. That was enough for me.

Someone posted here once that men handle birth control in 1/3 of relationships. I was surprised that it was so high. But I think it is good that so many take that responsibility.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> Well, I'm just going to use it for a really short amount of time because I really don't even know anything about these things nor have I had anyone tell me, and it's really difficult for me to do the natural planning method because my period has been all over the place so definitely not going to risk it the first time. As for the use of condoms, my fiancé is not sure about using them because of people's experience with them.


Condoms are an easy solution and require minimal pre-planning. Nor do you have to see a doctor to obtain them. 

I would advise if you want to explore condoms to see if using them can be easily incorporated into foreplay? If foreplay can be very enjoyable for BOTH partners while using a condom, then you should be able to enjoy intercourse with condoms as well. In the event condoms are problematic during foreplay (while stimulating with hands and oral), then that will help you realize that as a couple that condoms will be problematic during intercourse and are NOT going to be a viable option. 

Here is what you should try. Amazon has variety packs to let you sample dozens of different brands and styles of condoms. 

https://www.amazon.com/Condoms-Variety-Pack-100-Lifestyles/dp/B00O0E0NR2/

Read the reviews and you can see how "variety" can actually become a fun aspect of learning to use condoms. I got one of these when my wife had problems with her IUD and discovered that varieties in condoms do actually make a huge difference. Your experience with one brand might not be so good, but then another one is much better. At about 0.18 a piece you can even joke around with them, and humor is an important part of enjoying intimacy. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i think i mentioned before, though, CONDOMS alone are fairly ineffective. You need to add spermicidal foam.

do not know good stats, and do not want to scare you, but here is a site that says there is a 1 in 14 failure rate for condoms alone

https://www.hli.org/resources/condoms-little-known-scientific-facts/?gclid=CKSruqKo49QCFZGEswodX9AC7Q

And adding the contraceptive foam to the mix, it allows you to be a little more adventurous with the thin more sensitive condoms


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> i think i mentioned before, though, CONDOMS alone are fairly ineffective.


No they're not. They work just fine when used properly and consistently.

Condoms would be the ideal solution for you, but if your fiance doesn't like the idea (I'd be asking WHY but maybe that's just me) then you need to take control of your birth control - otherwise he's liable to 'forget' them once too often. Rather than the pill, look into the 'female condom' or diaphram or whatever the hell it's called nowadays. The spermicidal stuff added in would be a good idea too.

Really, if you're only going to be using it for a short time, the pill is not ideal. I think the pill is a bad idea ANY time, but I understand that's not the mainstream opinion.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Did you CHOOSE to ignore the link that said condoms alone totally suck?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

The link is BS and is pushing an agenda. 

I've used many dozens of condoms in my life and never once has one 'slipped off' either knowingly or unknowingly. Have had a few break from time to time, not often. It is definitely noticeable, I missed it the first time but after that never.

A few tips for hubby:

Buy the pre-lubed. 

For the first time, ADD extra lube. Trying sex the first time with an unlubed condom can be frustrating and comical . Or not, depends on the women's particulars.

If you two go for more than a few minutes do a 'condom check' every once in a while. 

If you eventually bang for long periods of time supplemental lube may or may not be needed.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Guys, I'm really scared and worried my appointment is tomorrow and today I have heard 2 bad experiences from family friends who used the pill. One of them have been using them for more than a decade and has been having trouble conceiving for more than 3 years after their 1st child. Even then their 1st child came after a struggle. The second experience is with another who used it for maybe 5 years and the same goes for her, she struggled to concieve her first child and is struggling now to concieve her second and its been 2 years. I really do not want this happening to me. Should I just stick it out for a year and bit using only condoms? But, I'm clueless about them and how effective they will be. I really do not want the complications, having a family in my culture is so important, and if the pill will give me such problems after I stop using it for a year I really can't risk it. Are there different types of brands that are good and bad?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Talk to the doc and let him / her know the specifics of these cases you are concerned about. For instance, if a women took the pill for 10 years but hadn't started until 20 something the difficulty conceiving may be unrelated to the pill. Fertility declines with age and if you are trying to get pregnant @ 35 there is a chance of difficulties but it prob. isn't related to the pill. Talk to the doc.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

anonmd said:


> The link is BS and is pushing an agenda.
> 
> I've used many dozens of condoms in my life and never once has one 'slipped off' either knowingly or unknowingly. Have had a few break from time to time, not often. It is definitely noticeable, I missed it the first time but after that never.


Actually, according to the CDC, condoms have a "typical use" failure rate of about 18%. 
https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehea...edpregnancy/pdf/Contraceptive_methods_508.pdf

I only used condoms as my primary form of birth control for about 6 years and had two slip off during vigorous movement while in "cowgirl" position that my partners and I didn't notice until after orgasm that did not result in pregnancy and one mystery condom failure that resulted in pregnancy.

Are condoms safer and more reliable than other methods of birth control? Certainly. Are they 100% effective? No. Are there more effective methods? Yes, but those are hormone based and have their own risks outside of failure rate.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> I really do not want the complications, having a family in my culture is so important, and if the pill will give me such problems after I stop using it for a year I really can't risk it.


If you are going to the doctor tomorrow, ask about a diaphragm. For the moments your husband may want to try without a condom, you can use a diaphragm instead for those moments. 

If you ONLY want to prevent pregnancy for a year, then barrier methods should be a viable solution, mostly because you do plan on getting pregnant at some point. The people that get extremely cautious are the ones that do not want to get pregnant under any circumstance for about four to six years on end (like someone trying to finish college). You on the other hand do want to get pregnant but just need to delay it a while until you get things settled down from being married. 

Barrier methods should be just fine. Talk to your doctor about exactly this. Say you only intend to delay pregnancy for about a year and that you are not trying to prevent it 100%.

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Actually, according to the CDC, condoms have a "typical use" failure rate of about 18%.


I am fairly certain that "typical use" means "starting without one" or "not always using them."

Which is the same thing as not using any means of birth control during those times. It is not like the condoms are worn 100% and one out of every five rip/tear/slip/fail. I think condoms worn 100% of the time correctly are proven 99% effective.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Correct ( I think), maybe not quite 99 but not 82. 

Just like the pill is not only 88% effective if taken every day and alternates used when being treated with antibiotics. Now, if 25% of women can't remember to take it every night and a 1/3 don't know that the antibiotic for the UTI you get twice a year knocks out the pill you get a 12% 'failure rate'.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

I went and saw the doctor and he went through it with me and prescribed me 'Levlen Ed' and 'Yaz' these are the two common/standard ones. I told him about my concerns, and he said that it may cause hormonal imbalance which can be problem but because I'm young and only taking it a year it may not be a problem. However, each person is different. Well, I am still unsure about it and don't really want to take it. Also, what makes it worse is my fiance doesn't want to do anything about it, he doesn't care if I get pregnant or not. He doesn't even want to protect himself and wear condoms nor even pull out, and doesn't really want me to use this pill. This all makes me more anxious because I don't want to get pregnant and every time we are going to do it im going to always be nervous. 

The other contraceptives is not an option for me. What am I meant to do?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> I went and saw the doctor and he went through it with me and prescribed me 'Levlen Ed' and 'Yaz' these are the two common/standard ones. I told him about my concerns, and he said that it may cause hormonal imbalance which can be problem but because I'm young and only taking it a year it may not be a problem. However, each person is different. Well, I am still unsure about it and don't really want to take it. Also, *what makes it worse is my fiance doesn't want to do anything about it, he doesn't care if I get pregnant or not. He doesn't even want to protect himself and wear condoms nor even pull out, and doesn't really want me to use this pill. This all makes me more anxious because I don't want to get pregnant* and every time we are going to do it im going to always be nervous.
> 
> The other contraceptives is not an option for me. What am I meant to do?


*If your partner wants to practice unprotected sex and always allow for the possibility of procreating and you do NOT consent to that, then you have a serious problem. *

Religious and cultural issues aside, anything that occurs during sexual intimacy for which one partner does not willingly consent is a HUGE RED FLAG!! Even if it is something as simple as one person not wanting a hug. What ever is causing an issue resulting in one person experiencing anxiety has to be discussed in a loving and patient way.

If your partner loves you, he will demonstrate patience and do what it takes to make you feel loved before you two create a family. If he is impatient and demands that you do something without your consent, then ask him "what is it that makes love impatient." Ask him to demonstrate using a bible if needed. 

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Religious and cultural issues aside, anything that occurs during sexual intimacy for which one partner does not willingly consent is a HUGE RED FLAG!! Even if it is something as simple as one person not wanting a hug. What ever is causing an issue resulting in one person experiencing anxiety has to be discussed in a loving and patient way.
> Sincerely,
> Badsanta


What's more, this particular red flag, inasmuch as it shows concern only for himself and none for you, portends even more trouble in the future. This lack of empathy will manifest in other ways. Most notably, after you are pregnant, your sexual desire will likely wane if not disappear altogether--from the time you conceive at least through the end of breasfeeding--maybe even longer if the child rearing proves taxing. Some men handle this better than others. All indications so far are that he will have no appreciation for the changes you are going through and will expect you to service him as you always did prior to the pregnancy. 

The irony is that he will resent you for your pregnancy when he is the one who forced it in the first place. This is a recipe for tremendous stress... and a prelude to a very difficult, if not completely failed relationship.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Pills work. I myself found they destroyed my sex drive and changed my personality but I didn't get pregnant.

After three months on the pill and being married I told my husband I was thinking about not using them anymore he said thank god and was happy to use condoms for 20 years. The only child we conceived was planned.

Your fiancé's attitude is troubling children are a huge change in life and should only happen ideally when you both are ready. Additionally we purposely held off to build a strong base marriage and financial stability. 

Children are wonderful and the first two years can be very hard in a marriage.

I'd talk with him further but if his attitude stays the same I'd do the pill. It will be hard for you to know if you experience lower sex drive. But you'll notice other things if they happen. Some people are just fine on the pill. I know plenty of women who experience various side effects most don't talk to their husbands because they feel it's their only real choice. The big mythical bad condom thing.

It may not feel as good using a condom and of course there's the putting it on thing but he will still orgasm and everything will be okay. But not if you can't get him to use them.

Being a virgin you'll probably be the one not orgasming with or without a condom. He will be quick unless he's been masterbating regular.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Well, after all this we kinda came to an 'agreement' and we spoke to his parents about it (weird, I know) because I was really annoyed and anxious. They, like most families around here including mine, are against the pill, so the only options we have is 1. condoms or 2. pull out. I agreed I won't use it partly because I don't feel 100% about it and I don't want to risk anything happening when I do conceive in the future. He agreed that he would pull out (though I know it's not 100% effective) and he semi-agreed to experiment with the use of condoms. He just really does not like nor want to use them because feels that a 'married couple shouldn't use them'. And he also mentioned something about taking a pill the day after if he feels like he did a mistake. We both did agree we don't want children yet, but he just isn't worried if it happens sooner. These are my options for now not sure what to do because I am a virgin and never thought of these situations before. 

I have a regular period with slight few day changes. For example, 2 months ago my period came on the 26th and this month on the 29th. If I was to time this, how would I know when I should abstain or use protection when doing it? I use a tracker and I know it is roughly around 8-10 days when I ovulate. But how accurate is this to use? How else do I know, besides CM, and body temperature. How effective is all this timing method?

So sorry for my personal dilemma's, but I really thank everyone for their help and experiences.


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## CaliRN13 (Jun 30, 2017)

anonmd said:


> I might do condoms for the first 6 months or a year to build a baseline on what a normal sex drive feels like. Then try the pill, there are many different formulations which can be experimented with if you don't like the effects of a particular pill. But you won't know the difference if you haven't been having sex without the pill.
> 
> Also, talk to your doctor about when the pill is not reliable. You need to take it every night without fail and if you go on an antibiotic for instance you need to use condoms as a backup. Those are the big pill related potholes I think. Recovering fertility is generally not an issue but discuss that with your doctor if you are concerned about it.


Condoms are uncomfortable and as soon as you just want to try it once... you will be knocked up. "the pill" is the way to go. If you are not prone to blood clots in your legs, don't smoke and are not over 35... you should be good.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

zio said:


> Well, after all this we kinda came to an 'agreement' and we spoke to his parents about it (weird, I know) because I was really annoyed and anxious. They, like most families around here including mine, are against the pill, so the only options we have is 1. condoms or 2. pull out. I agreed I won't use it partly because I don't feel 100% about it and I don't want to risk anything happening when I do conceive in the future. He agreed that he would pull out (though I know it's not 100% effective) and he semi-agreed to experiment with the use of condoms. He just really does not like nor want to use them because feels that a 'married couple shouldn't use them'. And he also mentioned something about taking a pill the day after if he feels like he did a mistake. We both did agree we don't want children yet, but he just isn't worried if it happens sooner. These are my options for now not sure what to do because I am a virgin and never thought of these situations before.


That Semi-agreement combined with him not wanting to use condoms 'married couple shouldn't use them', while not being worried about getting pregnant sooner. Means as long as you are fertile and he is not shooting blanks, it is highly likely you will get pregnant in short order.

He has told you how he feels about this, you would do well to actually believe him. If *YOU* don't want to get pregnant shortly after marriage, you will have to take responsibility for this since it is starkly evident that your fiancé will not.

Although not absolutely perfect, given your situation and your fiancés evident intention not to use condoms. The pill is your best option to help prevent pregnancy. If you don't want to get pregnant soon, you would do well to not let your fiancé and both of your respective families control your fertility.

At the end of the day you would do well to abandon naivety and embrace responsibility for your own autonomy.

Good luck.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Personal said:


> That Semi-agreement combined with him not wanting to use condoms 'married couple shouldn't use them', while not being worried about getting pregnant sooner. Means as long as you are fertile and he is not shooting blanks, it is highly likely you will get pregnant in short order.
> 
> He has told you how he feels about this, you would do well to actually believe him. If *YOU* don't want to get pregnant shortly after marriage, you will have to take responsibility for this since it is starkly evident that your fiancé will not.
> 
> ...



If I was to go on the pill, the doctor said that I need to be on it at least 1 month or 14 days for it to be effective but use protection in the meantime. That said, he also said that I should take it when my period starts. My period for this month has ended, and my next period will be after my wedding either 26 or 27 July. So, if I was to take it now, my period may come earlier than expected or later, and still will need to use other protection. My problem with the pill is not the fact that im worried I will get pregnant on it, but rather the time I will be on it, side effects, and once I stop using it the problems/ effects it can cause to get pregnant.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

zio said:


> If I was to go on the pill, the doctor said that I need to be on it at least 1 month or 14 days for it to be effective but use protection in the meantime. That said, he also said that I should take it when my period starts. My period for this month has ended, and my next period will be after my wedding either 26 or 27 July. So, if I was to take it now, my period may come earlier than expected or later, and still will need to use other protection. My problem with the pill is not the fact that im worried I will get pregnant on it, but rather the time I will be on it, side effects, and once I stop using it the problems/ effects it can cause to get pregnant.


 @zio, if you're concerned about side effects, then you may need to try a few different brands until you find one that works best with minimal side effects. 

I'd also strongly recommend you get a panel of tests for proclivity to blood clotting, including a genetic test for the Prothrombin (G20210A), AKA "Factor II" gene mutation. The mutation causes a greater likelihood of developing blood clots and if you're taking hormonal BC (Estrogen) this risk increases the risk of deep vein thrombosis (DVT) by almost 16x normal. 

Not trying to scare you, but many women don't understand the seriousness of blood clotting when taking BC or even during and post pregnancy. It's always best to know the risks before jumping in... And it behooves you to take responsibility for your health.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> He just really does not like nor want to use them because feels that a 'married couple shouldn't use them'.


Because you two do not yet seem to be sexually active, it is not fair for him to make decisions like this based on his ideal vision of your life together. 

Right now he is thinking of this "ideal vision" that he wants everything to be natural and as uninhibited as possible between the two of you with consideration that both of you want to take some time before starting a family. 

The reality is that human sexuality does not play by the rules, and men can often enjoy being teased as a means to prolong the time it takes to orgasm. Perhaps you have heard the saying that better things come to those who wait, well this is likely where that saying originated. The truth is that condoms will make a man loose a little bit of sensitivity, but the majority of stimulation occurs in the brain. So if you can be very playful and enjoy teasing him a little, condoms can take on a pleasurable dynamic as he enjoys the thoughts of one day not having to use them at all.

It is also much more pleasurable for a man to climax inside a woman with a condom compared to pulling out and restarting stimulation manually. You would probably rather him be inside you as well. And what you find pleasurable should be just as important to him as it is to you!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

I'm going to say "pull out" method isn't a form of BC. When your husband gets excited he will release a preejaculate that he will not even be aware that he is doing it. This pre-ejaculate has the potential to have sperm in it. You will have a baby 9 months from now. 

Married couples do in fact use condoms so his misconception is quite alarming. Using a condom with a spermicide has the least health risks and if he cares about you like he says he will on your wedding day then he will educate himself about BC and not force you solely to take care of it for his convenience. 

Have him visit the page at https://www.girlshealth.gov/body/sexuality/bc_types.html and ask him which side effect he is willing to put your through in order for him to be lazy concerning a common marriage issue.

If you are worried about side effects of a BC pill ask your dr about the progesterone only pill (usually called the mini-pill). My wife could not handle the standard estrogen/progesterone pill. Progesterone only doesn't usually stop egg release like the standard pill does.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Hi, if you want to use protection but you are worried about future fertility, then it has to be condoms, if you are willing to take a little risk then the pill is also in the running, better to speak to a medical professional for more accurate information regarding your sexual health, make sure your soon to be husband is fully involved in all decisions as he will feel somewhat left out if you give him options he might be uncomfortable with. Good decision to get as much advice as possible as it is a big decision.

Love and peace always

KevinZX


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

pbj2016 said:


> I'm going to say "pull out" method isn't a form of BC. When your husband gets excited he will release a preejaculate that he will not even be aware that he is doing it. This pre-ejaculate has the potential to have sperm in it. You will have a baby 9 months from now.


True, true.
I always say the man in sex is like a point guard in basketball.
He generally dribbles before he shoots.

As a side note, withdrawal can be rather unsatisfying as well. It's really not worth the risk.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

This birth control issue is not just a concern for now, but for the next 30 years or until you hit menopause. Is your husband always going to be unsupportive of your wishes? Will he always leave the burden of birth control entirely to you? Are you going to have 20 kids? Or are you going to call a halt to your sex life when you have as many kids as you can handle?

You sound bright enough. You have a career in law. Can you not do some online research to educate yourself about birth control? You can't leave your future, your mental well being, your physical health, and sexuality entirely in your husband's hands because frankly, he does not seem to have put much thought into what might be in your best interest.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Wife5362 said:


> You can't leave your future, your mental well being, your physical health, and sexuality entirely in your husband's hands because frankly, he does not seem to have put much thought into what might be in your best interest.


...well if she is a virgin, there is only so far the discussion can go. Once the two of them get a year or two of sexual experience as well as a baby, odds are the tone and maturity of this discussion between the two of them will change. After three kids, he will be running to go get a vasectomy after he becomes fully aware of the financial responsibility of raising a family that size. 



> How much does it cost to raise a child?
> $241,080
> It will cost an estimated $241,080 for a middle-income couple to raise a child born last year for 18 years, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture report released Wednesday.


Once he see the realities of a quarter million dollars of expenses running wild around the living room, bouncing across the couches, emptying the cupboards for snacks, and throwing up all over the car... the topic of birth control takes on a different tune in a man's eyes!



Badsanta


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

When I became sexually active with men, I got on the pill. It was awful. I gained weight, got weepy, had all sorts of awful side effects. After a year of that, I got off the pill and felt immediately better. My bf was really unhappy when I came up with condoms, spermicide and diaphragm as our go-to birth control methods. Following boyfriends were equally disenchanted. 

Fortunately, it turned out that I was a lesbian. I never had to worry about b.c. after those first three boyfriends. 

I have to say, I was really irritated that none of them cared how uncomfortable and unhappy I was on the pill...they just wanted to have care-free access to my body.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

An update again :/ 

After much discussion we settled for the use of condoms and pull out method (if applicable) since he could see I was really worried about this topic and lack of support. After a year of getting used to everything and getting registered as a lawyer in this country, and then having children, then I really don't care if I go on the pill, get my tubes tied, or he gets a vasectomy. Just worried about the year of how to avoid pregnancy.

And thanks everyone once again.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Someone could have at least told me that losing my virginity would take ages doesn't happen instantly, and is painful :/

Tried to use condoms for the first few days but didn't work at this stage. He used the pull out method a few times, took an emergency contraceptive pill just incase though my hymen didn't break at this time. Now we are back to using condoms since now it's easier down there. My period is due to come in a few days, so worried that it won't.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

zio said:


> Someone could have at least told me that losing my virginity would take ages doesn't happen instantly, and is painful :/
> 
> Tried to use condoms for the first few days but didn't work at this stage. He used the pull out method a few times, took an emergency contraceptive pill just incase though my hymen didn't break at this time. Now we are back to using condoms since now it's easier down there. My period is due to come in a few days, so worried that it won't.


Well, I did say use lube . Congrats, hopefully it is going better now.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> Someone could have at least told me that losing my virginity would take ages doesn't happen instantly, and is painful :/
> 
> Tried to use condoms for the first few days but didn't work at this stage. He used the pull out method a few times, took an emergency contraceptive pill just incase though my hymen didn't break at this time. Now we are back to using condoms since now it's easier down there. *My period is due to come in a few days, so worried that it won't.*


At some point your period might be a week or even two weeks late, even if you are NOT pregnant. As you become sexually active and adjust to married life, hormones and stress (like worrying about missing your period) can cause your cycles to become irregular here and there. 

You may be aware of a phenomenon that when women live together that their cycles will synchronize. So you may also experience natural changes to you cycles if you have just changed you living situation to move out of your parent's house and move in with your husband. Scientists think this has something to do with pheromones, but there is no conclusive evidence other than the fact that women living together commonly synchronize cycles.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I didn't cover specifically losing your hymen, but I doubt you've had a proper orgasm. Most men this young have no idea what they are doing. They are also quick if not masterbating. Women don't usually orgasm with small caressing and then Penis in Vagina(PIV). Now is the best time to start advocating for your own good sex or you could be in for a lifetime of OK sex or male orgasm oriented sex. Do some reading and then start working that into the bedroom. If you need to get him the book she comes first or there are other books too. Men don't normally seek this out until 20 years later when they are tired of duty sex. Mind blowing sex is too much fun to wait until your older and more mature.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Been 2 weeks now. I got my period a few days ago, but I still don't really feel any satisfaction from sex. How long till I actually start feeling something? I don't even know what I am supposed to feel besides the full type of feeling. 

And he doesn't like wearing condoms because it's not the 'same' but I don't let him not wear one because there is no way im taking plan b again. But what can I do :/

Anyways, thanks for everyone's help


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

zio said:


> Been 2 weeks now. I got my period a few days ago, but I still don't really feel any satisfaction from sex. How long till I actually start feeling something? I don't even know what I am supposed to feel besides the full type of feeling.
> 
> And he doesn't like wearing condoms because it's not the 'same' but I don't let him not wear one because there is no way im taking plan b again. But what can I do :/
> 
> Anyways, thanks for everyone's help


Maybe I'm an oddity, but my first sexual experience didn't hurt. I felt stretching, burning momentarily, and a sharp pinch and then it was...awesome. 

First, you need to be properly aroused. Before you being penis in vagina sex make sure you NEED, CRAVE, that full feeling. If he's not properly arousing you before you begin you won't be aroused enough to orgasm. Sex 101.

Second, many men and women aren't able to be properly aroused and orgasm when stressed. So, relax!!!

Third, men and women aren't born great lovers. We have the instincts, but no real skill without practice. Knowing your body and what makes you hot and turned on helps. You can teach him and then build from there. If you've played with your own breasts and clitoris during masturbation you can show him what you like. If you've never done that, try it. Also, books. There are tons of books that can help. Kama Sutra, How to Tickle His Pickle, She Comes First, and on and on.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Please know that the majority of women can't orgasm from penis in vagina PIV sex. Many women don't realize this when young. Most young men certainly don't realize this. It's normal and there are a lot of fixes.

Foreplay that includes multiple zone arousal.
Vibrators small bullets that can be used with a **** ring to stimulate you during intercourse, we-vibe which is worn during intercourse and stimulates both clitoral and gspot.
Oral sex performed on you before PIV or both at once (this is good birth control).

I agree read around try some things out. Best scenario you get him involved in the process. He should want you to O just like he does.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Number one on the list of things to get sorted out before marrying. Ugh. I'd never marry someone who wanted me to wear those god awful things. 


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Not helpful WOM .


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

It's been a few months now, and my husband asked me to go see a doctor to get on the pill because he can't keep using condoms. Ever since we've been married its always been condoms with a few instances where we may have unprotected sex in the beginning and change to a condom in the middle or use the pull out method. During the pull out instance though he did not cum inside me, I stressed and took another plan b. I just can't deal with the anxiety of him going raw and I not knowing if he leaked inside me prior and after ejaculation. I just really don't want to have a baby right now. 

Before I got married I was the one that was keen to get on the pill. But I'm actually worried to get on it primarily because of weight gain, anxiety, and how long it would take me to be normal again once I stop it. I am worried about weight gain because I have a high maintenance body where I have to be strict with my eating and exercising or else I gain weight quickly. I put effort into my body to stay fit and gaining weight is something I worry and struggle with. Secondly, if im on the pill and I can have unprotected sex I feel like ill still have anxiety about whether or not I can get pregnant. 

I honestly don't find sex that great, it can be good but its not something that made me feel wow. I just do it so he can be satisfied. I can't even orgasm either, I feel like I take too long and have no clue what the feeling is to know if im close. I kind of gave up on it. Sometimes I feel like a big factor that doesn't make me enjoy it is because I'm so overly cautious every time but I can't help it. Not sure what to do now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

That was the saddest post I’ve read in a long time. 


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@zio: Do you masturbate? if you do, how often? How long does it usually take you to orgasm through masturbation? Can you show your H what you do to get there?

If you do not masturbate, you need to think about starting. Your H obviously doesn't know how to please you. You can suffer through what may be a long period of trial and error (mostly error) in the hopes of him stumbling onto something that works. Or you can do the experimenting on yourself - which does much less damage to your relationship - and then show him what you discovered.

If he keeps trying and failing to please you, you will both get discouraged. You will get turned off to sex. He will feel like a failure. And your marriage will inevitably get worse.

Break the cycle. Show him what works. If you don't know, do some research and experiment on your own until you do know what works. You will both be thankful once you have taught him what works for you. That will become the best and most intimate part of your marriage. That you worked on this special, sacred, secret thing together. You will share a secret that no one else knows. How to get @zio off. Hard to think of anything more bonding for a married couple. Go for it!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> It's been a few months now, and my husband asked me to go see a doctor to get on the pill because he can't keep using condoms. Ever since we've been married its always been condoms with a few instances where we may have unprotected sex in the beginning and change to a condom in the middle or use the pull out method. During the pull out instance though he did not cum inside me, I stressed and took another plan b. I just can't deal with the anxiety of him going raw and I not knowing if he leaked inside me prior and after ejaculation. I just really don't want to have a baby right now.
> 
> Before I got married I was the one that was keen to get on the pill. But I'm actually worried to get on it primarily because of weight gain, anxiety, and how long it would take me to be normal again once I stop it. I am worried about weight gain because I have a high maintenance body where I have to be strict with my eating and exercising or else I gain weight quickly. I put effort into my body to stay fit and gaining weight is something I worry and struggle with. Secondly, if im on the pill and I can have unprotected sex I feel like ill still have anxiety about whether or not I can get pregnant.
> 
> I honestly don't find sex that great, it can be good but its not something that made me feel wow. I just do it so he can be satisfied. I can't even orgasm either, I feel like I take too long and have no clue what the feeling is to know if im close. I kind of gave up on it. Sometimes I feel like a big factor that doesn't make me enjoy it is because I'm so overly cautious every time but I can't help it. Not sure what to do now.



If you try the pill and find it has adverse effects on your weight and health, then you should NOT use the pill. You may try taking the pill and find that you have virtually no side effects or problems. Some women even find benefits from taking the pill regarding their complexion and having cycles are that much more mild in comparison to normal cycles. 

I personally do not like what the pill can potentially do to the female body, BUT you have tried not taking and you are encountering anxiety in your marriage as a result from fear of an unplanned pregnancy. So it is now reasonable that you should at least try the pill and see how your body responds to it. 

Regarding your enjoyment for sex. Removing the anxiety and fears that you could have an unplanned pregnancy should improve the quality of intimacy for you and your husband. Even if you are doing things mostly to keep him happy, you can begin to enjoy being more confident and playful about your ability to do so. And with this, you may find yourself learning to enjoy things yourself. Or you can take your time to work on communication and patience during intimacy to see if that helps. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

I think we both have reached the discouraged side more on my side though as he still tries to attempt to make things work for me. He has tried to buy things that could stimulate me but really didn't work. Sometimes when he is focusing on me and there is no result I just tell him not to worry about it.

I feel bad because I don't initiate sex with him as I am supposed to because I know its just the same thing. Yesterday I tried, but in the first 5 mins we ended up doing nothing because I told him to wear a condom but he wanted to do it unprotected for the first half. I am going to be in my fertile week soon, he doesn't get how risky it is, he thinks precum doesn't do anything. That was my attempt yesterday ?. I feel annoyed with the way he acted yesterday, he just fell asleep, and left me. It already feels like disconnection. 

As for masturbation during these months of being married I only done this 6 times by myself because I needed him but he was at work. But sometimes I just do it at night just to fall asleep. If I haven't done it for a long time I can climax quickly. But, if I've been doing it every other day it takes some time sometimes 15-30 mins because im just bored.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

zio said:


> I think we both have reached the discouraged side more on my side though as he still tries to attempt to make things work for me. He has tried to buy things that could stimulate me but really didn't work. Sometimes when he is focusing on me and there is no result I just tell him not to worry about it.
> 
> I feel bad because I don't initiate sex with him as I am supposed to because I know its just the same thing. Yesterday I tried, but in the first 5 mins we ended up doing nothing because I told him to wear a condom but he wanted to do it unprotected for the first half. I am going to be in my fertile week soon, he doesn't get how risky it is, he thinks precum doesn't do anything. That was my attempt yesterday ?. I feel annoyed with the way he acted yesterday, he just fell asleep, and left me. It already feels like disconnection.
> 
> As for masturbation during these months of being married I only done this 6 times by myself because I needed him but he was at work. But sometimes I just do it at night just to fall asleep. If *I haven't done it for a long time I can climax quickly. But, if I've been doing it every other day it takes some time sometimes 15-30 mins because im just bored*.


Pretty normal Z!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

So you do masturbate regularly. Great. That is a good foundation.

If you don't mind sharing, what works for you by yourself? What does your husband do differently than what you do? Could you teach your H to do what you do?

If you can't teach your H (some of us husbands are terrible students and don't take direction well), can you do it yourself WHILE you are having sex with your H? Can you touch yourself in the way you enjoy while he is doing other things to you? If you can reach orgasm while he is touching you, maybe that will help bring you closer together emotionally. If he watches you have orgasms and enjoy them, maybe that will motivate him to overcome his pride and stubbornness and learn what gets you off.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Woah woah woah.....There are more options than just the pill and condoms and diaphragms. Hopefully these are available where you are..Depo-Provera (shot you get every three months), Implanon/Nexplanon (implant that goes in your upper arm last for 3-5 years or less if removed sooner), NuvaRing, the birth control patch... Were these options discussed with your provider? 

Every female body is different and no one here should be telling you what take or put in your body. That should be between YOU (mainly) and your physician. 

Hopefully you can find something that will put your mind at ease with your birth control options.

Good Luck!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zio said:


> As for masturbation during these months of being married I only done this 6 times by myself because I needed him but he was at work. *But sometimes I just do it at night just to fall asleep. If I haven't done it for a long time I can climax quickly.* But, if I've been doing it every other day it takes some time sometimes 15-30 mins because im just bored.


Are you able to do that in front of your husband and allow him to watch?

If you try to demonstrate self gratification in front of your husband and then nothing happens or you are not comfortable doing so... that is a sign that sex between the two of you has a lot of potential to get better! Perhaps it is problematic now because you may have issues with confidence, mental concentration, relaxation, and/or trust that prevent you from enjoying things in your husband's presence. 

Here are a few things:

Are you completely comfortable being naked in front of your husband, or are you self conscious and concerned about where he is looking?

Are you comfortable allowing him to touch you anywhere, or do you prefer he keeps his hands away from sensitive areas? If he makes you uncomfortable when he touches you, there could be many things going on regarding that. He could be stimulating you too soon and making things numb. He could be touching you in a way that is distracting instead of enjoyable. You could have sensitivity issues that makes the way you need to be touched sexually a topic that he needs a lot of guidance from you to know what to do and what not to do.

You might want to visit a therapist to get some help for exercises that you and your husband can do to help things. One example might be for you husband to be completely passive/still while you engage him intimately in a way that you find enjoyable. Doing so you would focus solely on your own enjoyment and not his to see if you can be comfortable trying things that way.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatJayBird said:


> Woah woah woah.....There are more options than just the pill and condoms and diaphragms. Hopefully these are available where you are..Depo-Provera (shot you get every three months), Implanon/Nexplanon (implant that goes in your upper arm last for 3-5 years or less if removed sooner), NuvaRing, the birth control patch... Were these options discussed with your provider?
> 
> Every female body is different and no one here should be telling you what take or put in your body. That should be between YOU (mainly) and your physician.
> 
> ...


Generally speaking there are two methods pharmaceutically: barrier and hormones. 

I think she is worried about the side effects of hormones regardless of how and where they are administered. While there is also the IUD, it is generally recommended to use one manufactured to release hormones as well (there are versions that do not). 

Unfortunately for men to take on the responsibility of birth control, condoms are the only readily available option that is easy to use. There is a new gel that can be injected to stop the release of sperm that works similar to a vasectomy and is reversible via a simple procedure. But I do not think this method is for another 4-5 years.

https://www.parsemus.org/projects/vasalgel/

So if she just does NOT want hormone, condoms are about the only option. My only suggestion would be for them to try a wide variety on condoms and see if a different brand helps. A condom that is too tight drastically reduces sensitivity. Many are purposely manufactured this way to prevent them from slipping off during intercourse. I think in the US measurements above a certain diameter are even banned from use in a one-size-fits all type of legislation. Some of the "larger" condoms are just longer but are still very constrained with it comes to diameter due to regulations. Now what does happen is that some are manufactured much "stretchier" than others. Many new brands are non-latex and are not stretchy at all. I went through this when my wife had some medical issues and I did not want her taking any hormones. 

If condoms have to be continued as a primary means of birth control. Here are my suggestions:



 Try many different brands, in particular try brands imported from a different country
 Increase foreplay to help increase his arousal/sensitivity
 Perhaps incorporate condoms into foreplay
 Encourage his self exploration with condoms so he can get more used to them emotionally

And do not forget to try lambskin. Although I think only one manufacturer is allowed to make these now a days which kind of shows what regulation does to the market. 

Regards,
Badsanta

PS: I just reread about lambskin and they happen to be the largest diameter condom known on the market. That alone is probably what makes them better.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> So you do masturbate regularly. Great. That is a good foundation.
> 
> If you don't mind sharing, what works for you by yourself? What does your husband do differently than what you do? Could you teach your H to do what you do?
> 
> If you can't teach your H (some of us husbands are terrible students and don't take direction well), can you do it yourself WHILE you are having sex with your H? Can you touch yourself in the way you enjoy while he is doing other things to you? If you can reach orgasm while he is touching you, maybe that will help bring you closer together emotionally. If he watches you have orgasms and enjoy them, maybe that will motivate him to overcome his pride and stubbornness and learn what gets you off.


The thing is, I probably don't know my body well enough to know what I am supposed to feel. Even when I do it myself, even before getting married I never put anything inside me on my own to orgasm. When he does touch me it feels awkward because I believe he doesn't know what he's doing either, but I do tell him where it feels good. When we do it, I just focus on him more than I focus on myself. I have realized I have been close several times only if he doesn't stop. We have had 45 min sessions and im trying to get closer but once he stops it just disappears, needs to be constant :/


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

CatJayBird said:


> Woah woah woah.....There are more options than just the pill and condoms and diaphragms. Hopefully these are available where you are..Depo-Provera (shot you get every three months), Implanon/Nexplanon (implant that goes in your upper arm last for 3-5 years or less if removed sooner), NuvaRing, the birth control patch... Were these options discussed with your provider?
> 
> Every female body is different and no one here should be telling you what take or put in your body. That should be between YOU (mainly) and your physician.
> 
> ...


I know there are other options besides the pill. My concern is I don't want to take birth control if it will ruin my hormones and make future conceiving difficult. Because from the people that I know and have used birth control or the pill before and after marriage they are struggling to have a first and second child. I am worried because of that. As I have previously stated, if I do take birth control or the pill I will only be on it for a short period because I do want to start having children in a year and half. That's why we opted for condoms for the time being, but it's becoming difficult and a pain to always use them. So that's why I was thinking of going on the pill.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Try many different brands, in particular try brands imported from a different country
> Increase foreplay to help increase his arousal/sensitivity
> Perhaps incorporate condoms into foreplay
> Encourage his self exploration with condoms so he can get more used to them emotionally
> ...


With condoms we could try the thinner ones and we have, but they are too tight they are always 52mm in width. He always has to buy 60mm ones online but they are just the basic ones. I don't know, I'll probably see a doctor again and see which brands of the pill is better.

Thank you again for your help


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@zio: thank you for continuing to share. Does it take you 45 minutes to reach orgasm when you masturbate? If not, try masturbating while he is there. Get used to him being in the room next to you. After you get used to that, then you can try having him stroke your cheek or shoulder while you touch yourself. Then your leg. Ten he puts his hand over yours. Work your way up to where you are touching yourself while doing PIV. Do not rely on his body to get you off. Get yourself off while he is touching you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

zio said:


> I honestly don't find sex that great, it can be good but its not something that made me feel wow. I just do it so he can be satisfied. I can't even orgasm either, I feel like I take too long and have no clue what the feeling is to know if im close. I kind of gave up on it. Sometimes I feel like a big factor that doesn't make me enjoy it is because I'm so overly cautious every time but I can't help it. Not sure what to do now.


Ugh.

So to re-cap, your husband is completely *selfish* and refuses to take any responsibility for contraception because it's glaringly apparent that the ONLY one getting anything out of sex is *him*.

Was this guy a virgin too, or is he just ignorant about how to please a woman? I have the feeling it's a combination of ignorance and selfishness. It sounds like BOTH of you just assume that if he pounds away on you, you're supposed to have an orgasm. That is NOT the way most women have an orgasm.

Read a book about woman's bodies, guys. Come on.

I wouldn't go on the pill for this selfish fool.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh.
> 
> So to re-cap, your husband is completely *selfish* and refuses to take any responsibility for contraception because it's glaringly apparent that the ONLY one getting anything out of sex is *him*.
> 
> ...


You make me laugh, *constantly*. Thank you for *that*.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

I hate to say this, but the 2 of you sound incompatible. With all the red flags that are apparent, why did you get married in the first place?

As far as the Depo-Provera (shot you get every three months) is concerned, you had better do your research. The doctor prescribed that for my wife. 10 years later after she got off of it, we finally started to have a half assed sex life again. No information was given by the doctor as far as side effects, severe calcium loss, iron deficiency, of extreme (read NONE) loss of drive, among others.

My wife ever mentions Depo-Provera again and she will have divorce papers by the end of the day. Period!


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh.
> 
> So to re-cap, your husband is completely *selfish* and refuses to take any responsibility for contraception because it's glaringly apparent that the ONLY one getting anything out of sex is *him*.
> 
> ...


So, to recap for you about what I have previously said. I am unsure about birth control in general, in the meantime he has taken the responsibility to wear condoms every single time to prevent the risk of pregnancy. Though there is still a risk, but that's also with anything. I personally hate condoms, he does too, is that then considered to be seIfish of him because he wants to feel me better? I agreed to this option with him because of my uncertainty of taking birth control, and having a peace of mind that he is wearing protection. Maybe I am the selfish one for making him wear protection every time even though we are married. It's true that he cums every time and I don't, but it doesn't necessarily eliminate me not 'getting anything from it' or being satisfied. 

Considering the fact that we both had no prior sexual experiences, we are still learning, and know it takes time since we've only been recently married. I am also well aware even before getting married that many women don't orgasm with 'constant pounding' and require other forms of simulation. I have stated that I have felt 'close' a few times by that way, but I have never expected that this is the way to orgasm. I have also stated that he has bought things to help with my stimulation and given times to focus on me so that I can get closer to reaching an orgasm. But it seems that I don't know my body well enough. Whatever

I don't even want to go on the pill anyways. Sorry for posting my life issues on here. 

???? ??


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@zio, sorry if you do not feel welcome here. I would hope that this would be a warm and welcoming place for you to work through your relationship issues. Seems it has not been that place for you.

Again, I would bring you back to your relationship with yourself. You say you masturbate. Do you orgasm? How? fingers? Toys? What do you do with yourself that you don't do with your husband? Does he talk and it distracts you and you can't concentrate on getting there? Does he simply not know what to do and he does not take direction well? Are you ashamed to "get there" in front of him so what works for you alone does not work for you when he is there? Are you ashamed to touch yourself while he is there? Does he feel shame that he can't get you there and forbids you to touch yourself while he is there?

Please explain more of the differences between what works for you while alone and what isn't happening when hubby is around. That holds the key to teaching hubby how to help you get there. We are here to help you work through this.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> Again, I would bring you back to your relationship with yourself. You say you masturbate. Do you orgasm? How? fingers? Toys? What do you do with yourself that you don't do with your husband? Does he talk and it distracts you and you can't concentrate on getting there? Does he simply not know what to do and he does not take direction well? Are you ashamed to "get there" in front of him so what works for you alone does not work for you when he is there? Are you ashamed to touch yourself while he is there? Does he feel shame that he can't get you there and forbids you to touch yourself while he is there?
> 
> Please explain more of the differences between what works for you while alone and what isn't happening when hubby is around. That holds the key to teaching hubby how to help you get there. We are here to help you work through this.


When I do it solo, I don't use anything except my fingers. I believe the issue is I get distracted and I don't have the patience to just wait for it because it takes a long time. Even if he is inside and I do play with myself at the same time, I may get close but then I hit a wall and don't get anywhere with it, maybe because lack of concentration. Also, it's not that I am ashamed or he feels shame, he does keep trying, but I just take a long time and that can sometimes just get me out of the mood :scratchhead:

Thanks for your help :smile2:


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

There's also male contraception. Males who are given testosterone will not produce sperm in sufficient quantities to impregnate. It's actually more reliable than the pill at over 99.5% effective. Problem is, most doctors won't prescribe testosterone for this purpose. It is pretty easy though to purchase on the web. Only requires a single administration once or twice a month. Just search "testosterone as a male contraception". You'll find a lot of articles and proven studies on this.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The pill my ZAP your sex drive and your being a virgin.. I would not go this route.. Experience your natural hormones, all you have waited for.. to it's fullest potential... start out with some condoms at least...before adding the pill....then you can see and compare if it has a negative effect on your libido... 

I never took the pill... we've been married 28 yrs.. I didn't like the idea of extra hormones, the side effects I read...but we did want to get pregnant quickly, so it didn't matter for us..

For some , when they get off the pill... it's like "Oh my GOD.. what happened... I want it all the [email protected]:".... read a # of threads like that here on this forum even ... this can cause a husband some suffering as well... not understanding why their wives rarely want it.. 

Taken from this article: Are Your Birth Control Pills Hurting Your Sex Drive? 



> Thirty percent of American women suffer from a diminished sex drive, and some experts (as well as non-experts) will tell you that the pill is often to blame. Studies have linked oral contraceptive use to decreased levels of androgens — the class of hormones, including testosterone, thought to drive both male and female sexuality. Birth control pills also alter a woman's natural estradiol fluctuations (the group of hormones that includes estrogen), which many ob-gyns consider the main source of female libido. When you're on the pill, your hormonal balance changes — and consequently, your desire for sex might change, too.


Your sex drive after going off birth control pills - what you need to know 

Personally...I love the non-hormonal IUD ...but it's best if a woman waits till she has at least one child...something about the uterus being a little stretched out.. less likely for it to be expelled...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

zio said:


> When I do it solo, I don't use anything except my fingers. I believe the issue is I get distracted and I don't have the patience to just wait for it because it takes a long time. Even if he is inside and I do play with myself at the same time, I may get close but then I hit a wall and don't get anywhere with it, maybe because lack of concentration. Also, it's not that I am ashamed or he feels shame, he does keep trying, but I just take a long time and that can sometimes just get me out of the mood :scratchhead:
> 
> Thanks for your help :smile2:


You will get it eventually, be patient with yourself and him. Do it by yourself on a regular basis, maybe try it with hubby watching for a good while as warm up before the two of you get together. Tell him he has to be quiet for 10 or 15 minutes so you can concentrate .


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have you thought of making a few appointments with a sex therapist? Just to get a little extra help and advice.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

It is great that you are willing to share with us, and that you are trying to make it work while having sex with your H. Many people would be too ashamed to admit what is happening in detail.



zio said:


> When I do it solo, I don't use anything except my fingers. I believe the issue is I get distracted and I don't have the patience to just wait for it because it takes a long time. Even if he is inside and I do play with myself at the same time, I may get close but then I hit a wall and don't get anywhere with it, maybe because lack of concentration. Also, it's not that I am ashamed or he feels shame, he does keep trying, but I just take a long time and that can sometimes just get me out of the mood :scratchhead:


How would you and he feel about scheduling some sessions where he watches you masturbate. He does not touch you. He does not talk. He just watches?

I think it is key that you find a way to have orgasms while he is in the room. Without involving him and his body and his needs. You can work up to having orgasms while he is inside you. But first you need to have orgasms when he is in the room and NOT inside you. Learn to walk before you try to run a marathon.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

I will try the things that were suggested and change it up. I'll try change the settings. I only decided to ask on this forum because I really don't have people I know to go too, to talk about these things unless I see a professional.

I do appreciate that everyone is continuing to help me with every post I make. When I made this post I only wanted to know about contraception, but I guess that escalated quickly :/


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