# He says he does know if we'll make it



## S.Whitley-Wells (Feb 18, 2015)

I believe he is ready to give up. We've been married less than a year...legally less than a week. I feel stretched thin. Someone just talk to me.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Details...

Some back ground info would be nice.


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## S.Whitley-Wells (Feb 18, 2015)

We're both sensitive people. And we're both people who know how to survive alone. Surviving together is tearing us apart. Im the type of person who likes to communicate, verify, and confirm. He does whatever whenever however. But not as much as he used to. Some days are better than others. Im tired but not ready to give up. I never am. But generally i accept blame for our issues. We have no roles, rules, or consistency. We live in chaos and we have 4 children together. Im still wanting to fight through this. Its hard, but i believe there is worse. We have different beliefs. Religiously, and disagree on whats traditional values. Well we disagree on 95% of everything. I know i love him for who he is and am generally open to compromise. He doesn't know i love him, but says some days he thinks i do. Im confused. How can i turn on and off love like he says. Just really want to talk and air things out with a third party. Thank you in advance.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

He doesn't think you love him?
Tell him you do. Show him. Do both. Hug him, kiss him, spend time with him, tell him you appreciate what he does. And expect the same from him.

It is important, in marriage, for each party to show and tell the other that they're loved.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Curious why you made your marriage legal just a week ago in the midst (presumably) of these issues. I'm assuming all of these issues did not just crop up in the last week.


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## S.Whitley-Wells (Feb 18, 2015)

We planned our wedding for June 7 2014. We had a very nice ceremony. He sprung it on me that he had opted for a commitment ceremony. He thought we were having financial issues, but because our communication is lacking that is untrue. He waited until 02/14/2015 to make it legal, because I am getting a large tax refund. We do not have financial issues. We have communication issues.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When did he "spring it on you" that it was a commitment ceremony instead of a wedding? 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And if you disagree on 95% of everything, love may very well not be enough to hold you together. What does love mean when you're not on the same page for the majority of topics? I don't understand how a relationship like that can work. 

C


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## S.Whitley-Wells (Feb 18, 2015)

PBear said:


> When did he "spring it on you" that it was a commitment ceremony instead of a wedding?
> 
> C


That would be that Monday. He didn't even tell the Pastor it was a commitment ceremony. So we had a full wedding ceremony. And that Monday, he said he'd gotten some advice from a family friend that told him if he didn't want to go through with a full wedding do a commitment ceremony. I did not find out until later when the Pastor asked about the certificates.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you do not sign a certificate, you're not legally married. So I guess it's confusing for me to think that you thought you were married if you didn't sign the contract... ?

If you disagree 95% of the time, don't feel like an equal partner and he does "whatever whenever however" then my advice is to get out.

Put your children first. All four of them. 

That is not healthy at all.

Also, if I've learned one thing: if you can't communicate well with your partner, then you aren't going to have a good relationship.

Communication is KEY.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

S.Whitley-Wells said:


> That would be that Monday. He didn't even tell the Pastor it was a commitment ceremony. So we had a full wedding ceremony. And that Monday, he said he'd gotten some advice from a family friend that told him if he didn't want to go through with a full wedding do a commitment ceremony. I did not find out until later when the Pastor asked about the certificates.


You have a lot more problems than a simple "communication" issue. This alone should have been your sign that he didnt want to be married to you. 

I would say just let him go. Keep things amicable for the sake of the kids and to keep costs down, but let him go. 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And I suspect he DOES know he doesn't want to be married to you. He just doesn't have the balls to be the bad guy. 

C


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> He doesn't think you love him?
> Tell him you do. Show him. Do both. Hug him, kiss him, spend time with him, tell him you appreciate what he does. And expect the same from him.
> 
> It is important, in marriage, for each party to show and tell the other that they're loved.


Well, her husband is a man, so usually the best way to show a man respect/appreciation is to meet/exceed his sexual/physical needs.


Aside from that... the wedding stuff all sounds pretty odd. Why essentially back out of the marriage before it's begun, and then agree to it only seven months later? Everything else you've mentioned however just sounds tailor made for a good marriage counselor who can help you iron out and/or blend your two different approaches to living. Also, you said you have four children together. Do you mean you have them "together" as in he is the father of your children and you are the mother? Or do you just have a total of four children between the two of you, some from prior relationships?


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