# Disgusted by what hubbys "into"



## mel2491 (Sep 1, 2009)

I don't know how much to go into since this is totally embarrassing for me, but besides other reasons I hate having sex with dh because of what he is "into".

His porn of choice is trannies. Which when it comes to my hubby to me he is watching men dressed up as girls. (when we were split up, he even propositioned at least one through craigslist)

He wears my undies. He enjoys strapon sex. More then regular sex. This is so disgusting to me. I am grossed out. I feel like I am rolling my eyes and making yucky faces through the whole thing. We have lots of issues of course and I always feel a nice bonus to spliting for good would be that I never have to do it again. (though I am always worried maybe it is not just him)

btw he was molested growing up so I am sure this is where part of this comes from which only makes it worse.

I have no idea what to do. I don't initiate sex anymore because of this but he would probably never have regular sex again if he could.


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

It sounds like he needs professional help. Wanting to wear womens clothing and watch trannies isn't normal for a man of any age. How old is he? How long ago was the molestation?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So sad. Very doubtful you can change what he is "turned on" by. I just really truly don't think this is "fixable". I can understand why his desires are so - distasteful to you. 






mel2491 said:


> I don't know how much to go into since this is totally embarrassing for me, but besides other reasons I hate having sex with dh because of what he is "into".
> 
> His porn of choice is trannies. Which when it comes to my hubby to me he is watching men dressed up as girls. (when we were split up, he even propositioned at least one through craigslist)
> 
> ...


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## mel2491 (Sep 1, 2009)

He is 31. totally one of these wannabee macho guys. big weightlifter boxer.

I am not sure about the molestation, we have really only talked about it once or twice not getting into much. I think it may have started from 4-7 years and probably ended around 12? I honestly don't know and I don't know how to bring it up to find out more. I know it was by several different people (I am almost positive one of the people was his male cousin who is 4-5 years older and was possibly molested by his father) and did go "all the way"


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

Are there children involved?


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## mel2491 (Sep 1, 2009)

3

8,3,1


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

First off, I would like to say I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Second, I was molested when I was a child and it didn't turn me onto wierd sex things. I like regular sex with men. Let me tell you, sweety, if the sex is uncomfortable it will eventually lead into an uncomfortable relationship, period. You can't change him. You might as well do what makes you feel right before you wake up married 40 years and want a divorce cuz then it's harder.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Have you considered that maybe he is gay and just not ready to come out? There are so many men out there who try to have a hetrosexual relationship and children just because of society's standards. You should seek professional help for both of you. I wish the very best for you, this is not an easy situation.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

If you have 3 children you do have regular sex as well? I agree that professional help is needed, but he may not want to change this part of his life. WHat is the ratio of regular sex to the strap on sex? Has the strap on sex with him been increasing over time? If it has then he may be trying to head that direction completely. COuld there be some balance? Would you be willing to say that you are agreeable to having regular sex with him, but you just dont feel comfortable with the strap on sex? Does he klnow that you are uncomfortable with it? I know (and understand) that this part of him is disguting to you, but do you still love him?

Years of molestation with multiple offenders? How horrible for him and for you as his intimate partner with whom he wants to feel free to act out his issues with, however they may manifest.


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## mel2491 (Sep 1, 2009)

I would not divorce him over this, though I am so unhappy with him regardless if this it may go there anyway.

I do not think he is straight out gay. I do believe he has perversions that might lead him to that area (such as trannies through craigslist when we were split up and he was drunk)

I think he needs help regardless of stopping these acts or not but he went to a theripist who so he says told dh that "he was doing fine" because he was not on drugs. So that was basically the end of it.

Ratio wise he would prefer strap on to anything I think. (even masterbates that way takes pics and video of himself) We don't have sex often for lots of reasons but probably 1/2 of the time.


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## mel2491 (Sep 1, 2009)

JennaRae said:


> First off, I would like to say I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Second, I was molested when I was a child and it didn't turn me onto wierd sex things. I like regular sex with men. Let me tell you, sweety, if the sex is uncomfortable it will eventually lead into an uncomfortable relationship, period. You can't change him. You might as well do what makes you feel right before you wake up married 40 years and want a divorce cuz then it's harder.


I wonder though in terms of your molestation, he was molested by men so he is into it, it is just not normal for a hetro male to be while it is normal for a women to like to have sex with men.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Im so sorry that a therapist told him he was doing ok bc he was not on drugs... perhaps the therapist does not know the entire story. Perhaps you could suggest marriage counseling so that a therapist could hear what is going on from both sides and then work out a situation that is both comfortable for you and satisfying to him. He may need to lead that kind of life with someone else, and in so doing (bc of std's etc) end relations with you. It sounds like from your follow up post that you are heading towards divorce anyway "regardless of this." It does not sound like you love him, as this part of him is taking over his life in your eyes and it probably feels like he is a different person.

If he has any hopes of toning this part of himself down and realizing that its really hurting you and your marriage, and he is not getting a sense from individual therapy that its unusual, AND you care about staying together, then go to marriage counseling. Its your only hope of making sure he is really telling all so that he can get the perspective he needs. For his therapist to say he is fine... Im still shocked. It is interfering with his personal relationships to a detrimental point.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Yep, have to agree that's a serious TURN OFF. If no kids are involved then get the hell out of there!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mel2491 said:


> I don't know how much to go into since this is totally embarrassing for me, but besides other reasons I hate having sex with dh because of what he is "into".
> 
> His porn of choice is trannies. Which when it comes to my hubby to me he is watching men dressed up as girls. (when we were split up, he even propositioned at least one through craigslist)
> 
> He wears my undies. He enjoys strapon sex. More then regular sex. This is so disgusting to me. .


OMG I would be disgusted too... 
If it were me, that would be enough to walk away from the marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can empathize with the horrible things that have happened to him in the past. However, you do not have to put up with living a disturbed lifestyle.

Gay or straight or bi or whatever, it really does not matter what he is thinking about. What matters is his behavior.

It's only a matter of time before he exposes you to some horrible STD from acting out on this fetish of his.

If I were you, I'd search for a better therapist, one who deals with this stuff. BTW, do you only have your H's word that the current therapist told him what he does is normal? 

A good one would note the paraphilia/fetish and come to a different conclusion.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Why is something gross and disgusting and something else is not? If someone is turned on by something and no one gets hurt, is that bad? Am I bad because I am attracted to women? I mean, I didn't make that decision, it just happened. What if someone now came and told me that was "abnormal" and that I needed to be turned on by men? For your sex life to work, either you need to accept that this is a fetish that through no fault of his own he is into or he needs to find a way to stop, although that will be easier said than done.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think that it might help if the original poster would read some books about the effects of being molested. One possible effect is that the first sexual experience imprints upon the person who was abused a certain way of getting turned on. Instead of fighting against what turns him on, he's accepted it. Most people fight it. Does that make them right and this guy wrong? No. Everyone copes in their own way. 

The line that needs to be drawn is about third parties being involved. I think that it would require an open account policy so that you can be sure he's not contacting others for sex. You don't want an STD or to be blind-sided by infidelity. It would also require discussing whether or not he really wants to be with men because he might want to be with both men and women. And in that case marriage is probably not the right place for him. It isn't fair to you. Even if he chooses not to act on it, you know he'll never really be satisfied and you'll always be worried.

I'm afraid that Jenna doesn't understand that young men being molested often have far more problems with their sex lives than women do when they are in recovery. The stereotypes and misinformation and prejudices, as demonstrated on this thread, stack the deck against these poor guys.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I agree that if I was in your position that this would be a sexual turn off...However, this is what he learned years ago when he was molested...To me, he sounds like he just may be bi-sexual...By wanting his strap on sex, he is showing his desire for penetration...This is part of his problem from long ago...Your marriage can live if you can accept him as he is...I doubt he can change....However, if you ever have any hesitation that he may be taking this a step farther and having sex with another man, have him wear a Condom when you are having sex with him...Also refrain from giving him oral sex and his giving you the same...Here is where the problem would lie....Take care,

Caroline


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## FamilyGuy (Aug 2, 2009)

mel2491 said:


> I don't know how much to go into since this is totally embarrassing for me, but besides other reasons I hate having sex with dh because of what he is "into".
> 
> His porn of choice is trannies. Which when it comes to my hubby to me he is watching men dressed up as girls. (when we were split up, he even propositioned at least one through craigslist)
> 
> He wears my undies. He enjoys strapon sex. More then regular sex. This is so disgusting to me. I am grossed out. I feel like I am rolling my eyes and making yucky faces through the whole thing. We have lots of issues of course and I always feel a nice bonus to spliting for good would be that I never have to do it again. (though I am always worried maybe it is not just him)


Mel2491,

This is abnormal, period. Your husband is not a normal heterosexual male. Others here may question "normalcy" or attempt to intellectualize things, but to address your concern that "maybe it is not just him," normal heterosexual men are not into wearing your undies, enjoying strapon sex, viewing trannie porn, and propositioning same on craigslist, even if "drunk"--being drunk tends to bring out a person's true being.

--FamilyGuy


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Familyguy -- that was enlightening. So you think that understanding this guy, why he is the way he is, and the confusion that comes with being molested by another male and how that can mold sexuality is intellectualizing? Understanding these things can allow the original poster to have empathy for her husband. There is a lot about him that he didn't get to choose. It was forced on him. But now it is a part of him. That's not just understanding or intellectualizing -- it is reality. He's a human being who was harmed in a very deep and personal way.

You'd also be surprised at the vast range in sexuality that normal heterosexual males enjoy.


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## FamilyGuy (Aug 2, 2009)

dobo said:


> Familyguy -- that was enlightening. So you think that understanding this guy, why he is the way he is, and the confusion that comes with being molested by another male and how that can mold sexuality is intellectualizing? Understanding these things can allow the original poster to have empathy for her husband. There is a lot about him that he didn't get to choose. It was forced on him. But now it is a part of him. That's not just understanding or intellectualizing -- it is reality. He's a human being who was harmed in a very deep and personal way.


Dobo, you need to think a little more deeply before writing--it is not me that is being shallow here. My interpretation of Mel2491's post was that she is indeed _already_ empathetic--the guy is her husband after all; she is reaching out here for help; and she lets us know that he was molested, which seems to be a contributing factor. (BTW, sexual molestation has happened in my family, so on the contrary, it is something to which I am quite sensitive). I do not doubt that mel2491's husband was harmed and violated, based on her words. That past event, however, does not mean that she has to live with today's sexual manifestation of it. She says she is disgusted by these actions, and she has every right to feel that way. Empathy and disgust of certain sexaual practices do not have to be mutually exclusive.



dobo said:


> You'd also be surprised at the vast range in sexuality that normal heterosexual males enjoy.


:rofl: On the contrary. There is very little that surprises me. Your assumptions that I am prudish or sexually close-minded is based on your own close-minded assumptions--not on anything you read in my post.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

That you characterized understanding of what caused him to be where he is as intellecutalizing was clearly dismissive. You chose your tone. I didn't.


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