# Complete and utter death of libido



## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Hi guys,

Completely new here, but I need some help.

As above, my libido is completely gone. I don't get horny, I don't desire my fiancee, and I don't want to have sex. I experience no desire to masturbate, and watching porn does nothing for me. I barely even turn my head at attractive chicks in the street anymore.

It's been a while that i've felt like this, and I don't know what to do. We've not had sex in a while, but previously i've just followed through for her.

I never initiate, which is a major complaint of hers, to the point where she's said she won't initiate anymore and it's on me. When i've rejected her advances, she spirals into depression, which also sucks.

Honestly I just don't know what to do. I love her, and we found out a few weeks ago that she's pregnant. I'm happy, but I just don't know if I can make her happy if I don't want to have sex with her.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Get your testosterone measured.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Get your testosterone measured.


Can you elaborate?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> Can you elaborate?


Search low testosterone symptoms. Number one is loss of libido. Go to a physician and get it measured, they can advise you on what to do if it is low.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> Can you elaborate?


Your problem is pretty bad if you come here looking for help before bothering to do an internet search on reasons for lack of make libido. It implies not even a desire to figure out what’s wrong. You need to see a doctor but, the doctor’s going to wonder if you’re actually motivated to change.

But we’ll go through the standard questions anyway. How old are you? How many partners? Have you always had a lack of desire for sex? If so, how did this affect other relationships? Is your fiancé attractive to you? What does she find desirable in you? What do youfind desirable in her? Whatare the reasons for getting married? Are you affected by a poor relationship between your parents?


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Your problem is pretty bad if you come here looking for help before bothering to do an internet search on reasons for lack of make libido. It implies not even a desire to figure out what’s wrong. You need to see a doctor but, the doctor’s going to wonder if you’re actually motivated to change.
> 
> But we’ll go through the standard questions anyway. How old are you? How many partners? Have you always had a lack of desire for sex? If so, how did this affect other relationships? Is your fiancé attractive to you? What does she find desirable in you? What do youfind desirable in her? Whatare the reasons for getting married? Are you affected by a poor relationship between your parents?


I'm unsure what you mean by the first part, but why does going here imply that?

I'm 26, she is my second partner, both sexual and not. I've tried to convince myself over the years that I don't want sex, maybe I never did. My last relationship she felt like I wanted sex and then stopped, but she ended up being crazy so that ended for different reasons.

I'm so depressed currently that I don't know if she is anymore. I don't know what she finds desirable in me. I think she's kind, funny, loving, and we love all the same stuff. She loves me, really loves me, more than I thought I could be loved.

I want to get married because I love her, and it's her dream to be married and have her perfect wedding.

I don't know if you're referring to my relationship with my parents or their relationship, if the former, it's alright. I see them every week or so, we don't talk about anything personal, never have. I've never asked for relationship advice or anything like that.

As for their relationship, they fought a lot when i grew up. I used to cover my little brother's ears to shield him from the screaming and **** breaking. I thought they were going to get divorced, but they've mellowed out since i've grown up and left home.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Just go to your doctor (if you can, these days) and tell him that you are 26 and you have zero libido. This is not normal. I'm pretty sure he/she will order some tests.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Just go to your doctor (if you can, these days) and tell him that you are 26 and you have zero libido. This is not normal. I'm pretty sure he/she will order some tests.


Is it abnormal? I've honestly forgotten what it feels like to get horny. Idk if I ever got horny without some stimulus anyway.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Were you like this when you were a teenage boy, and not having sex? Did you ever fantasize or feel excited by sexual images or scenes in movies? 

Do you feel aroused looking at women who are scantily clad or naked? Do you really feel NO arousal when you look at women?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> Completely new here, but I need some help.
> 
> ...


26, and zero libido. Definitely see your doctor.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> I'm unsure what you mean by the first part, but why does going here imply that?
> 
> 
> 
> I want to get married because I love her, and *it's her dream to be married and have her perfect wedding.*


There's one issue. What about your dreams and goals?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If your loss of libido is new, then you clearly need to see your doctor. There may be a serious health condition causing this. And, it would be unfair to your fiancee to marry her until this is resolved, despite her being pregnant.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get medical advise.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

If my libido had died at 26 both my wife and I would have assumed that I was going to die soon. See a doctor ASAP.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Unless I missed it somewhere you didn’t actually say you wanted to be an average horn dog like the rest of us guys.
What do you really want ?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> .......I'm 26, she is my second partner, both sexual and not. *I've tried to convince myself over the years that I don't want sex, maybe I never did. *My last relationship she felt like I wanted sex and then stopped, but she ended up being crazy so that ended for different reasons.
> 
> *I'm so depressed currently* that I don't know if she is anymore. I don't know what she finds desirable in me. I think she's kind, funny, loving, and we love all the same stuff. She loves me, really loves me, more than I thought I could be loved.
> 
> ...


On a different note there are three common causes of low male libido: (1) Low Testosterone; (2) medication side effects; (3) psychological. 

Going to a Dr and stating that you are 26 have no libido and would like your T-level's checked is a no-brainer. While you are there ask him/her if there are any medical reasons for you low libido. It is quite common for many anti-depression medications to destroy libido, along with a number of other medications. There are also medical conditions such as "metabolic syndrome." This is where a man is very overweight and the belly fat actually converts testosterone into estrogen. It is also associated with type 2 diabetes, low Vitamin D, levels, loss of muscle mass and loss of bone density.

Now let's address the elephant in the room that your medical doctor will not be able to help you with. Have you ever heard of either B. F. Skinner or Pavlov's dog? Well there is this thing called conditioned response. You said you tried to convince yourself (self-hypnosis or self-conditioning?) to not want sex. Maybe, just maybe you succeeded. If so, you might need to "un-condition" yourself or get some professional to help you. Seriously, sex is designed to condition you to want more of it. The release of the love/cuddling/bonding hormone Oxytocine after orgasm is designed to make you feel emotionally very happy and close to the woman you claim to want to marry. Figure out how to use this natural bonding mechanism along with self-hypnosis or words of affirmation to help you want to make love to the woman who is bearing your child. If that doesn't work set up some appointments with a sex therapist to help the two of you build a loving sexual relationship with her. 

David Scharch has a book Intimacy and Desire, that contains exercises on how to build sexual desire between a couple. His short circuit method involves lots of oral sex as a way of speeding the process up of conditioning.

Good luck. Spend some time doing some medical research, medical testing and talking to a psychologist.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You haven’t seen a gp or psychologist already?

If so, why not??


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Were you like this when you were a teenage boy, and not having sex? Did you ever fantasize or feel excited by sexual images or scenes in movies?
> 
> Do you feel aroused looking at women who are scantily clad or naked? Do you really feel NO arousal when you look at women?


When I was a teenager I was horny a lot, at least that's how I remember it.

Now I feel nothing watching porn or looking at women I see out and about, some really underdressed tbh.

Idk what it is, it's like some switch has gone off and I don't care about sex. And i'm not sure if I want to change that. I just know my relationship can't survive without sex.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> There's one issue. What about your dreams and goals?


I have no dreams or goals.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Hiner112 said:


> If my libido had died at 26 both my wife and I would have assumed that I was going to die soon. See a doctor ASAP.


You assume I'm going to die soon? I don't understand.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Unless I missed it somewhere you didn’t actually say you wanted to be an average horn dog like the rest of us guys.
> What do you really want ?


I want to figure out how to get it back for my relationship's sake, or how to maintain my relationship in spite of this problem


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> I have no dreams or goals.


So what do you believe your fiancé sees in you? Why does she consider you marriage material?


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> On a different note there are three common causes of low male libido: (1) Low Testosterone; (2) medication side effects; (3) psychological.
> 
> Going to a Dr and stating that you are 26 have no libido and would like your T-level's checked is a no-brainer. While you are there ask him/her if there are any medical reasons for you low libido. It is quite common for many anti-depression medications to destroy libido, along with a number of other medications. There are also medical conditions such as "metabolic syndrome." This is where a man is very overweight and the belly fat actually converts testosterone into estrogen. It is also associated with type 2 diabetes, low Vitamin D, levels, loss of muscle mass and loss of bone density.
> 
> ...


Is it really possible I succeeded? We used to have sex daily, and it's gone through a few of these bouts, a few months at a time.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> You haven’t seen a gp or psychologist already?
> 
> If so, why not??


Lack of care tbh. And you know, my partner and I are everywhere together, i don't feel comfortable addressing this with her present.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> So what do you believe your fiancé sees in you? Why does she consider you marriage material?


Idk, she says i'm kind and loving and good with our girls (technically my stepdaughters, but i dont see them like that) and i'm the first person in a long time that's made her feel loved and safe and happy.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude: Advice, good that you're asking questions, but the only thing you should be focused in right now is on making an appointment with your your Dr. so that he can check your Testosterone levels and get an SMA 12 +2, and other blood work to determine if chemically/hormonally you're on the average or not. He's the only one that can make an initial determination to see if you need to be referred to a specialist. Nothing else will help for the moment. It will them be determined if you also need psychological evaluation.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> When I was a teenager I was horny a lot, at least that's how I remember it.
> 
> Now I feel nothing watching porn or looking at women I see out and about, some really underdressed tbh.
> 
> Idk what it is, it's like some switch has gone off and I don't care about sex. And i'm not sure if I want to change that. I just know my relationship can't survive without sex.


Well, you are absolutely correct...I am in my early 50s and I have NO intention of being in any sexless relationship, so you have many years ahead of you in which ENTHUSIASTIC sex is going to be an expected part of a healthy relationship.

If you aren't willing to do everything you can to get yourself back to being a sexual being, you need to tell your fiance the truth and let her decide if she wants to also remain celibate for the rest of HER life. Don't fake anything and deceive her about what a sex life with you is going to be like, because you will lose her eventually. You described a woman who wants and enjoys sex, and feels bad when you aren't interested, so if you aren't going to try to become more sexual to meet that need for her, you need to let her find that from someone else if that's what she wants.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, you are absolutely correct...I am in my early 50s and I have NO intention of being in any sexless relationship, so you have many years ahead of you in which ENTHUSIASTIC sex is going to be an expected part of a healthy relationship.
> 
> If you aren't willing to do everything you can to get yourself back to being a sexual being, you need to tell your fiance the truth and let her decide if she wants to also remain celibate for the rest of HER life. Don't fake anything and deceive her about what a sex life with you is going to be like, because you will lose her eventually. You described a woman who wants and enjoys sex, and feels bad when you aren't interested, so if you aren't going to try to become more sexual to meet that need for her, you need to let her find that from someone else if that's what she wants.


I was worried someone was going to say that. Maybe that's the right thing to do. Maybe we should terminate the pregnancy too, she already has two kids from different dads, she doesn't need a third.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Sorry for your issue @FianceeSeekingAid Get in with a doctor preferably a endocrinologist who is specialized in low testosterone. I myself as I have stated on here before have cyst on my pituitary gland so my body does not produce any testosterone so I have to have my wife give me a testosterone every two weeks. I was feeling the same way as you have described I would bet you have very low T or are not making any at all. There is help out there. Best of luck!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> I was worried someone was going to say that. Maybe that's the right thing to do. Maybe we should terminate the pregnancy too, she already has two kids from different dads, she doesn't need a third.


Consider sterilizing yourself.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> I have no dreams or goals.


Find some. Easier said than done, I know. But it's a process. You have to take time to think about what you want and if you are depressed that's probably next to impossible. So get you mental and physical health squared away. Then take some time to really think about how you want your life to look. 

Best of luck.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

OnTheFly said:


> Consider sterilizing yourself.


Why should I do that?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> Why should I do that?


So more babies don't have to die because of your issues.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

OnTheFly said:


> So more babies don't have to die because of your issues.


I fundamentally disagree with your viewpoint. I think the parents should have the right to choose, and the baby isn't dying, it has no consciousness. It's a foetus still, it isn't a baby till much later


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> *I fundamentally disagree with your viewpoint*. I think the parents should have the right to choose, and the baby isn't dying, it has no consciousness. It's a foetus still, it isn't a baby till much later


Clearly.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

OnTheFly said:


> Clearly.


Do you have anything helpful to add?

If i'm not going to be having sex, why does sterilisation even matter? I posted here to ask for help and i'll admit that some of my responses may occur whilst i'm going through a very emotionally difficult time.

However I think that if this is how things are, and our relationship cannot survive without sex, I don't want her to have 3 children to different partners. She shouldn't have to go through that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> I have no dreams or goals.


Testosterone my friend. You are part of the walking dead right now.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Testosterone my friend. You are part of the walking dead right now.


Walking dead?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> I fundamentally disagree with your viewpoint. I think the parents should have the right to choose, and the baby isn't dying, it has no consciousness. It's a foetus still, it isn't a baby till much later


You fundamentally disagree with reality and you really shouldn't reproduce anyway.
Embryologists all know life, that is human life in humans of course, begins at conception.

I'm not sure you're much more aware than an embryo anyway so best you don't reproduce.

Become a eunuch. It's for the best.


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> You fundamentally disagree with reality and you really shouldn't reproduce anyway.
> Embryologists all know life, that is human life in humans of course, begins at conception.
> 
> I'm not sure you're much more aware than an embryo anyway so best you don't reproduce.
> ...


That really isn't helpful. Even if that is true and they are aware, it should still be my right to choose. Its a big commitment.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FianceeSeekingAid said:


> That really isn't helpful. Even if that is true and they are aware, it should still be my right to choose. Its a big commitment.


It's actually HER right to choose, so you have some serious, honest, and important things to talk about with her.

I do want to echo the other posters who said you need to have your Testosterone levels checked - you sound a little apathetic in general, which isn't really normal for a guy your age. That is a typical symptom of low T levels. 

Are you active and fit? Or have you gained weight and spend alot of time sitting around on your phone or computer?


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> It's actually HER right to choose, so you have some serious, honest, and important things to talk about with her.
> 
> I do want to echo the other posters who said you need to have your Testosterone levels checked - you sound a little apathetic in general, which isn't really normal for a guy your age. That is a typical symptom of low T levels.
> 
> Are you active and fit? Or have you gained weight and spend alot of time sitting around on your phone or computer?


I'm not active at all. Having kids has made it hard to find time, also i'm massively lazy. I used to go to the gym before i was in this relationship.

I'm going to the GP today, but i am super apathetic, tbh i'm considering just ending my life. How does my age affect what's normal?

I know it's her right, but its also my right to potentially not be involved if that's the way it goes. I just don't want to have a kid ajd be seperated, if we sort this, a kid is all i've ever wanted.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

It looks like you missed a few subtle cues and various attempts at witticism by posters here. Do you suffer from any mental illnesses such as Asperger's or autism?


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## FianceeSeekingAid (Oct 17, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> It looks like you missed a few subtle cues and various attempts at witticism by posters here. Do you suffer from any mental illnesses such as Asperger's or autism?


Nope, why?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

26, engaged, child on the way, 20 something partner already has 2 kids from previous relationships,no libido, no interest in pursuing activities, suicidal thoughts.

You need a lot more than a 'discussion thread'. You need professional help. 

Thread closed.


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