# Husband uses my dildo



## Cakes Matter (Jul 25, 2016)

Together for 6 years, we are both 51. Sex is fine, frequency is lower than I prefer -- basically just weekends due to him being tired after work. On the weekends we do have sex multiple times, at least 4-5 times.

It's been an ongoing issue that I want more sex, but over the years I have somewhat accepted it. I'm willing and able to do anything that doesn't involve another person. He enjoys having my finger or dildo in his butt. I enjoy it because he enjoys it....I love seeing and hearing him moan and groan. 

I feel that it's my responsibility to sexually satisfy my partner, and I am eager to do so. I frequently ask him is he satisfied.....is there a fantasy he is interested in....etc. I am 100% willing.

He was just laid off work. On Tuesday, as I was getting up for work, I told him I was horny and wanted to have sex, that I needed him inside me, and he assures me when I get home we will take care of that! Oh great, I'm thinking! yeah! But nothing happens....nothing happens....he falls asleep early as usual (remember, he's laid off now). Wednesday, Thursday rolls around. Still nothing. I've said nothing else about it, as I'm sick to death of initiating.

Friday I get home from work 2 hours early, which is normal for Friday. He has drinks ready, we are chatting in the kitchen, nibbling around, having a few drinks. I decide to shower and get comfy for the evening. 

Go to my shower, and there is a dildo attached to the shower wall, the suction cup kind. I start to smile thinking wow!! He sit me up a little surprise....thinking how cute that was. I showered and went downstairs. I smiled at him and said....That was an interesting shower! He just looked at me and said what? I smiled again, and said THE SHOWER ....You left me surprise! 

He looked all serious and said....yea sometimes I like to use that on myself. So no...it wasn't a surprise for ME....he just forgot to put the damn dildo away!

BAM. I fainted. I hit the floor.

Ok I didn't really hit the floor, but my heart did. I just stared at him and said...Well that explains a lot of things. It explains why you want sex so much less than I do. You are using your sexual energy alone rather than with me.

And to be honest, the whole dildo alone thing......that is EATING at me. Together I was ok with it, but....he's butt f*cking himself in the shower?

I still trying to wrap my head around all this....why I'm so upset...why this is bothering me....I feel like an idiot. More details if anyone is interested later. 

Thanks for reading my vent.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Um.................:scratchhead:

I had to read it three times to understand. Sorry, I have nothing. 

Just wow.


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## Cakes Matter (Jul 25, 2016)

Oops....maybe I rambled too much.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I guess that you can look at this from a positive or a negative manner.

I see that you could use it as an opener to expand your sex life. Along the lines of, "Oh, I did not realize that you would enjoy xxx, perhaps we could try that tonight?" Give him a reason to want to go to bed with you. I think you have found the reason he is not interested in sex, he has already taken care of business. I would say find a way to incorporate that into something that you would enjoy too.

I would also never use that dildo for vaginal sex ever again.


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## Cakes Matter (Jul 25, 2016)

I knew he enjoyed it incorporated into our sexual play, I didn't know he masturbated with it alone. I always want sex and he's always said he didn't even masturbate because why would he, he had me. His words, not mine.

I'm looking for the positive....can't find it yet.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It's so much easier to stay in your comfort zone when you are alone, and for some people that even means excluding your spouse. That's why some people find, in some ways, masturbation more fulfilling than with a partner. He at least fessed up rather than lied about it, indicates you have some honesty to work with. My only advice is to NOT shame him at all about this (bad enough he is contending with the shame of being laid off). Instead help him fuel his sexual energy so he has enough for both you and by himself, but make it clear you won't settle for a sliver of the pie. It sounds to me like he is comforted by honesty and I think now he is aware you know his little secret there is a chance to him to expand his comfort zone to include you in it more.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cakes Matter said:


> I knew he enjoyed it incorporated into our sexual play, I didn't know he masturbated with it alone. I always want sex and he's always said he didn't even masturbate because why would he, he had me. His words, not mine.
> 
> I'm looking for the positive....can't find it yet.


Your husband masturbates, and this means he has a sex drive. THAT is a positive thing.

If he has just been laid off from work, he is likely struggling and using his own sexuality as an escape. Is that something he can easily share with you? Not really. He will need to find a nonsexual means of escape first, or a way to sooth himself. Exercise is great, but obviously not as easy as lying around and jerking off. 

You'll need to use shock and awe to get his attention sexually. I suggest you read up on the health benefits of administering coffee enemas! You want him to be healthy right?

Badsanta


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

At least tell him to get his own.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay Cake, have you asked the question that is probably on your mind and some here, would he want the real thing, in asking this you will find out if he is bi or not. as whether that is positive or negative that depends on how you want to see this.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My H also enjoys anal stimulation and we have used dildo's in a harness (pegging) or with hands as part of our sexual menu. We happen to enjoy the same size and shape, so we share toys. My first concern is safety. I like using condoms on the dildos so that I can just wash them real fast and store them away without much worry about cross contamination. If you used the dildo in the shower thinking it was left for you to enjoy yourself with, I really hope he washed it before he got out and dried off...

I wouldn't be concerned that DH was masturbating with a dildo or without. Enjoyable stimulation is enjoyable stimulation. I would worry about it if it was causing him to be depleted when I wanted sex, though.

Have you talked frankly about masturbation? Have you told him that masturbation isn't bad or wrong or something shameful, but that you request he stop masturbating because you want all of his sexual energy?

Hell, if you're into DS kink you could always tell him he's not allowed to masturbate to completion or something to make it fun. You could even send him a text or call him from work and tell him to edge himself, but save the fireworks for when you get home.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK, 
your post says that you have done anal play on him in the past with the dildo, so its not surprising that he also masturbates that way. So far I don't see any problem. Men don't talk about sex toys or masturbation much, but it is not that uncommon for men to masturbate that way for all the same reasons that some men like being penetrated by women.



The problem is that he knew you were expecting to have sex with him and he went and masturbated instead. I put porn and sex toys, masturbation in the same category - absolutely fine UNLESS they interfere with your sex life. 

I see a couple of ways to handle this:

1) Let him know why you are are unhappy but that is is not that he masturbates that way, but that he didn't wait for you. If you think he masturbates frequently, provide some level of hint that you are hoping for sex later so that he doesn't do it.

or

2). If he is into anal play he may also be submissive. If so, than turn this from a problem to fun: Tell him he was very bad and you are going to punish him appropriately. If he ever takes care of himself when you want sex, you are going to insist that he please you with his mouth or face the consequences....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

uhtred said:


> OK,
> The problem is that he knew you were expecting to have sex with him and he went and masturbated instead. I put porn and sex toys, masturbation in the same category - absolutely fine UNLESS they interfere with your sex life.


Ohhh, ya know what? That got me thinking. Why would a guy masturbate before sex with his wife? HINT: lots of guys do it before dates for a specific reason....

@Cakes Matter. Had it been a few days or more since you last had sex before the dildo incident? Maybe he masturbated because he knew you were going to want sex later and he was afraid of reaching orgasm too fast, so he took the edge off in the shower thinking he'd last longer with you later.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

1- He's probably gay
2- Make sure he washes it after he uses it, before he gives it back to you.

It's only fair.


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