# Trying again....



## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I have pretty much I have been a roomate in my 16 year marriage for at least 12 years. About once or twice a year we try to rekindle that part and it stops after about 4 weeks and back to roomates. We both play a part in this. I start out as an eager wife trying to bring passion and romance back in. We talk about what we need to do to keep this a regular part of our marriage. He tells me how he wants to do these things too. So after a couple weeks I will pull back from full time chaser to allow him to be an equal part. I tell him what I want so as not to leave him hanging out there trying to be a mind reader. I gave him 2 expectations from me this time: find a way to flirt/laugh with me everyday and take me out for alone time away from the house that is simple like coffee or even sit on the back of my tailgate with a beer once a week. Our kids are old enough to not need babysitters. He has since ignored me. I reminded him again after two weeks and did so in a lighthearted manner. Now I don't even get a peck hello or goodbye.

In the past I always wondered if I had too high of an expectation. Of course that turns into disappointed which turns into hurt which turns into resentment which turns into shutting out. We have talked about emotional intimacy and how there are many ways for us to achieve that outside the bedroom and how I really need that. I just don't get it. He is a good man, good Dad, respectful, doesn't raise a voice, responsible. I have no complaints in that department. He used to be romantic and affectionate. Before anyone comments, he isn't gay, cheating, porn, etc. I am pretty involved in the sex, offering to be more adventurous if he is game, and give as much as I get. We have dealt with bouts of ED but seems to go away after a few rounds. The only thing I ask of him is to give me a few hours of out of the bedroom play/flirting/humor to get the ball good and going when we get to the bedroom. I have gone with the flow for a quickie but I have trouble with completion if you know what I mean. What I don't understand is why he ignores me after a few weeks. It is like he saying problem fixed and I don't need to do anything else. Yesterday, I sat down and cried saying I give up and I don't know if I will have it in me to try again in the future. I tried to remember all the nice things he does for me and spent all night trying to convince myself that maybe he thinks those things are romantic enough even though it doesn't create that intimacy I crave. 

So today as he was leaving for work I thought okay one last try. I told him I was expecting that beer with him tonight here and he said ok. I have heard ok before and no follow through. So I sent him an email at noon that just said I had a dream about and I woke up smiling. He finally responded hours later "that's nice." Kind of lackluster. Now I am thinking I probably will be forgotten again. I don't know what more I can do to make this marriage work and feel myself already shutting down.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't think your expections sound unreasonable. It sounds like you hope your husband will.act.like a romantic partner and not like a platonic family member.

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking. I'm in my early 40's and within the last year went from being okay with a less affectionate husband to it being unacceptable. When you are in your 20's and your husband says he doesn't like to snuggle during sleep.you think okay. I can probably live with that. Then you are in your 40's realizing that, honestly, you might never know what it feels.like to have someone hold you as you drift to sleep. And suddenly this is unacceptable. 

That is what is happening to me in any case.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I just turned 47 and husband is 55. Yes, I didn't mind so much in my 30's but the last couple years it does bother me. BTW...Over the summer, I changed birth control (use it for a female issue) and libido went through the roof. Now I am missing really missing the lack of passion and romance. Plus, husband did have his testosterone level checked and doc said normal range. We have had financial stress due to company changes but no arguments about it but on plus side hubby loves his new position.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're me and your H and Mr. Pink.

Like you, I tried everything. Got nothing. Finally said I'm done, made appointment with lawyer, talked about selling the house..., then his light bulb went off.

That was beginning of October and I have fallen back in love. This is the guy I fell in love with and the husband I wanted.

He read No More Mr. Nice Guy and started therapy. He exercises every day for 45 minutes. It can happen.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I am not certain how much more I can do to encourage him. I have done subtle hints to downright embarrassed myself seduction. I greeted him in the kitchen cooking in an men's oversized denim shirt with sexy black lingerie underneath. I then gave him a little tease and peek a boo show. He just patted me on the head and said how cute and tell me the story of how he unsnapped some girl's bra on the first try in high school. Then sat in front of the tv. I just stood there dumbfounded. I just spent 3 hours waxing, shaving, hair color, fixing hair how he likes it and not a touch or kiss.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Okay Pink...thanks for the encouragement. He came home with the beer but plopped it down on the table next to me with no greeting and went back outside. I decided to wear my denim shirt again but buttoned up and hair how he likes it. Guess I didn't learn the first time plus I really don't have much in sexy apparel. He came back in and sat in his chair and pulled out his book to settle in. I didn't say a word and gave him the one eyebrow up evil eye and went into kitchen to check on dinner. He did follow me in there and peeked into my shirt and asked if I was wearing it. I said yes but what was he going to do to earn it. He said I am going to get you drunk. I told him that would do it. Now he is back to his book. Thankfully he figured out the evil eye quick enough this time.


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