# What are my options?



## Lyn98 (Feb 22, 2021)

We have been married over 2 decades. It never was really good, I didn’t take the red flags seriously. We have 2 older teens, and I’ve stayed home (various short term jobs and now self employed) through the years, but always have been mostly stay at home mom, which we agreed to. I’ve finally given up the idea, and exhausted all my efforts to “get over things” and “try again.” He lies about money, drinking, gets mad at me for everything, have spent more time not talking than talking in the past 5 years, he’s embarrassed me in public, made hurtful remarks in front of coworkers, yelled at me in public, talks to the kids about me behind my back (and tells me he does)...and it goes on...
I’m sad, lonely, depressed, but try to stay positive for my kids and my elderly father who I take care of, and I will not cheat. My married friends have good marriages (and do many couple activities), my divorced friends are good, but different life style than what I can do, so spending time with them is limited. 
I cannot afford 10k+ to file, nor afford an apartment (plus I feel it is selfish to leave my daughter, we are close, and Dad is more hands off and unaware of 98% of her life). He says he’s fine with divorce, but will never give up our house (sell and split it). 
What are my options? Any? This loneliness, lack of conversation, of joy and laughter is really getting to me, and I don’t see any “out” for at least 1.5 years.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I’m sorry for the pain you are in. As to the house did you purchase it while married?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your second most important thing (to do) is to get a better paying job.
Your first, is to do a consult with a female divorce attorney

The first consult is often free or affordable. Find out where you stand.
Being married over 20 years sounds like you will have solid footing.

Older children are often given the option where they want to live.
I doubt your husband would stand in the way, as far as any future custody issues that come into play.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your husband may be waiting for the children to move out and get on with their lives, with him making his move, at that time.


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## Lyn98 (Feb 22, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m sorry for the pain you are in. As to the house did you purchase it while married?


Yes. Only house we have had. I’m on Title only, after refinancing years ago.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Biding our time is that most foolish thing.
Time is our most valuable possession, and the _Good Lord _was stingy, in giving of it.
Waste not, your healthy days, prepare yourself well for those aged winters that come, all to soon.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Lyn98 said:


> Yes. Only house we have had. I’m on Title only, after refinancing years ago.


If that is the case he will have no option but to sell and split the proceeds with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lyn98 said:


> Yes. Only house we have had. I’m on Title only, after refinancing years ago.


The house, and its equity is half yours....
With few exceptions.


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## Lyn98 (Feb 22, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Your second most important thing (to do) is to get a better paying job.
> Your first, is to do a consult with a female divorce attorney
> 
> The first consult is often free or affordable. Find out where you stand.
> ...


I have had a free consult with female attorney. If it was amicable, we could get through it with out costing much more, but he will not budge. And he is nasty mean about everything. He expects me to walk away, as if I’ve contributed nothing (I had the much higher paying job that supported us before marriage and first few years- then I took over everything domestically and had some part time jobs when he had career setbacks, to make ends meet.)


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He has to split the home equity with you. He will have to pay spousal support, at least for a time. Being uncooperative will make the divorce drag out, but you can get it done. You need to focus on getting employed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blustering and being mean works at home, not in a court of law.

He sounds cheap.

When he realizes that dragging out the divorce will (in the end) cost more, he will cave.
He will not get any nicer. 
He sounds like a mean drunk.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Lyn98 said:


> We have been married over 2 decades. It never was really good, I didn’t take the red flags seriously. We have 2 older teens, and I’ve stayed home (various short term jobs and now self employed) through the years, but always have been mostly stay at home mom, which we agreed to. I’ve finally given up the idea, and exhausted all my efforts to “get over things” and “try again.” He lies about money, drinking, gets mad at me for everything, have spent more time not talking than talking in the past 5 years, he’s embarrassed me in public, made hurtful remarks in front of coworkers, yelled at me in public, talks to the kids about me behind my back (and tells me he does)...and it goes on...
> I’m sad, lonely, depressed, but try to stay positive for my kids and my elderly father who I take care of, and I will not cheat. My married friends have good marriages (and do many couple activities), my divorced friends are good, but different life style than what I can do, so spending time with them is limited.
> I cannot afford 10k+ to file, nor afford an apartment (plus I feel it is selfish to leave my daughter, we are close, and Dad is more hands off and unaware of 98% of her life). He says he’s fine with divorce, but will never give up our house (sell and split it).
> What are my options? Any? This loneliness, lack of conversation, of joy and laughter is really getting to me, and I don’t see any “out” for at least 1.5 years.


Is your husband an overt narcissist? Sounds like it.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Torninhalf said:


> If that is the case he will have no option but to sell and split the proceeds with you.


I think he can buy her out...or she him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It sounds like you think your husband is the legal advisory team in divorce.... nothing could be further from the truth. As long as you take legal advice from your husband you will believe all sorts of nonsense.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You have to force the action to bust it up. Playing nice only gets you so far with a certain type of person. He doesn’t seem to be that type.


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