# Expose my wife's EA to OM's ex-wife?



## cowboyreggie (Jun 1, 2014)

Hi all. Been reading some great advice on these forums for almost a year now.

Long story short, W and I have been M for 6 years. I confronted her about an EA she was having with someone a couple hours away. She admitted to it, denied a PA, but also never committed to ending the affair. She's showing all WAW signs, she says she's done and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I'm not sure if this affair is an exit affair or she's just caught up in the fantasy/fog of something new. She's still in contact with him, at least by phone/text.

I'm thinking my only chance is exposure, to her family, mutual friends. However, I know OM has an ex-wife - they were divorced less than a year ago and OM also has a son (maybe 3 or 4 years old) with his ex-wife.

Should I expose the EA to OM's ex-wife since he's not currently married? Would that accomplish anything? Looking for some guidance here.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

cowboyreggie said:


> Hi all. Been reading some great advice on these forums for almost a year now.
> 
> Long story short, W and I have been M for 6 years. I confronted her about an EA she was having with someone a couple hours away. She admitted to it, denied a PA, but also never committed to ending the affair. She's showing all WAW signs, she says she's done and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I'm not sure if this affair is an exit affair or she's just caught up in the fantasy/fog of something new. She's still in contact with him, at least by phone/text.
> 
> ...


IMO I don't see how the x would care. I see that you are pissed off with good reason and want to burn her but I am not sure if it would matter.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If it was me a would contact her under the pretence of doing a back round check.
Introduce your self and explain that you want more info about her ex husband with regards to the safety of your kids and their mother.

Ask her if he is violent and is there any other concern you should have about him being around your STBXW and your kid/kids.

Who know what you might find out...hell they still may be married.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short, instead of "hey your ex is screwing my wife" its more of a "my marriage is toast but do have any concerns I should know about your ex husband".....kind a thing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

cowboyreggie said:


> Hi all. *Been reading some great advice on these forums for almost a year now*.
> 
> Long story short, W and I have been M for 6 years. I confronted her about an EA she was having with someone a couple hours away. She admitted to it, denied a PA, but also never committed to ending the affair. She's showing all WAW signs, she says she's done and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I'm not sure if this affair is an exit affair or she's just caught up in the fantasy/fog of something new. She's still in contact with him, at least by phone/text.
> 
> ...


So your wife has been flaunting this affair for more than a year? All the while telling you she's done with the marriage?
Has she taken any practical step to actualy end the marriage?
One year cake eating seems a hell of exit affair.

I think your only "chance" is believing her, her actions (ongoing affair, right under your nose) and words ("she doesn't want to be married to you anymore"), accept them it as they are, the golden truth, detaching from her and preparing your own exit. Sure, exposure can be a part of it, why should you protect her when people ask you why did you was forced file?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

How do you know this ex is actually an ex. Did your WW tell you this?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cowboyreggie said:


> Hi all. Been reading some great advice on these forums for almost a year now.
> 
> Long story short, W and I have been M for 6 years. I confronted her about an EA she was having with someone a couple hours away. She admitted to it, denied a PA, but also never committed to ending the affair. She's showing all WAW signs, she says she's done and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I'm not sure if this affair is an exit affair or she's just caught up in the fantasy/fog of something new. She's still in contact with him, at least by phone/text.
> 
> ...


How do you know this affair is not what caused their divorce? The timing seems about right. You found out a year ago, which means the affair was going on way before that, and the OM divorced less than a year ago.

The OMW may actually know more about the affair than you do. You should contact her. And I doubt that this is an EA. A couple of hours away is nothing when it comes to affairs. We've had members here whose WS drove 6 hours away, or they would meet up somewhere around halfway. The OM could even have spent the night in a hotel in your town while your WW would pretend to go to work, but goes to a hotel to meet him.


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## cowboyreggie (Jun 1, 2014)

Joka said:


> IMO I don't see how the x would care. I see that you are pissed off with good reason and want to burn her but I am not sure if it would matter.


Thought she might care since he is still the father of her child and having an affair with a married woman.


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## cowboyreggie (Jun 1, 2014)

Acabado said:


> So your wife has been flaunting this affair for more than a year? All the while telling you she's done with the marriage?
> Has she taken any practical step to actualy end the marriage?
> One year cake eating seems a hell of exit affair.
> 
> I think your only "chance" is believing her, her actions (ongoing affair, right under your nose) and words ("she doesn't want to be married to you anymore"), accept them it as they are, the golden truth, detaching from her and preparing your own exit. Sure, exposure can be a part of it, why should you protect her when people ask you why did you was forced file?


This hasn't been going on for a year, maybe a couple of months at most. I've been browsing TAM for close to a year now when good friend was going thru some marital problems of his own. 

She hasn't taken any steps to end the marriage yet, other than mentioning divorce and talking logistics of how we would split things. I think she's in her affair cloud and sees ending our M as the only solution.


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## cowboyreggie (Jun 1, 2014)

3putt said:


> How do you know this ex is actually an ex. Did your WW tell you this?


Court records.


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## cowboyreggie (Jun 1, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> How do you know this affair is not what caused their divorce? The timing seems about right. You found out a year ago, which means the affair was going on way before that, and the OM divorced less than a year ago.
> 
> The OMW may actually know more about the affair than you do. You should contact her. And I doubt that this is an EA. A couple of hours away is nothing when it comes to affairs. We've had members here whose WS drove 6 hours away, or they would meet up somewhere around halfway. The OM could even have spent the night in a hotel in your town while your WW would pretend to go to work, but goes to a hotel to meet him.


The affair didn't cause their divorce. My W and OM didn't even know each other at the time. Trust me, there are many things i don't know right now, but this one i'm sure of. It's only been a couple of months. I say "only a couple of months" like that's ok. FML.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think your best chance, slim as it is, is to have her served without warning. Let her know in this way, that you mean business. That it's time to stop farting and krap or get off the pot entirely. 

Get yourself to a lawyer and get the wheels set into motion. Don't let her know what you're doing in this regard. 

In the meantime be stoic, stop checking up on her - institute the 180. Be cordial and discuss only the kids. 

Does she work? Have a source of income? Have relatives nearby? 

Do you?


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

cowboyreggie said:


> Hi all. Been reading some great advice on these forums for almost a year now.
> 
> Long story short, W and I have been M for 6 years. I confronted her about an EA she was having with someone a couple hours away. She admitted to it, denied a PA, but also never committed to ending the affair. She's showing all WAW signs, she says she's done and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I'm not sure if this affair is an exit affair or she's just caught up in the fantasy/fog of something new. She's still in contact with him, at least by phone/text.
> 
> ...


I am in your shoes as well Reggie. My wife has filed for divorce and moved out a month ago. I now know there is an OM involved, a coworker of hers. He has been divorced for about 6 months and he has 2 children.

I am contemplating letting her know about the affair, but I don't know what good it will accomplish. She is divorced from him so she may not want to be bothered by what he is doing now. I would like to let her know just to increase exposure of the affair.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dadof2 said:


> I am in your shoes as well Reggie. My wife has filed for divorce and moved out a month ago. I now know there is an OM involved, a coworker of hers. He has been divorced for about 6 months and he has 2 children.
> 
> I am contemplating letting her know about the affair, but I don't know what good it will accomplish. She is divorced from him so she may not want to be bothered by what he is doing now. I would like to let her know just to increase exposure of the affair.


dadof2, I'd tell her, and this is why... She might tell you something along the lines of...

"Yeah, I knew about it. In fact, it's the reason that we're divorced. They've been f*cking for some time. In fact, you should get a paternity test for _at least_ your youngest child. Oh and, by the way, I'd be more than happy to give you copies of all of the documentation that I have; it helped me in my divorce, so it will probably help you w/ yours as well."

OP, same to you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How and when did they meet? Randomly gets involved with an online affair/EA with a guy two hours away?

How do you know they've only known each other a couple of months?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

cowboyreggie said:


> Hi all. Been reading some great advice on these forums for almost a year now.
> 
> Long story short, W and I have been M for 6 years. I confronted her about an EA she was having with someone a couple hours away. She admitted to it, denied a PA, but also never committed to ending the affair. She's showing all WAW signs, she says she's done and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I'm not sure if this affair is an exit affair or she's just caught up in the fantasy/fog of something new. She's still in contact with him, at least by phone/text.
> 
> ...


When a WS is this adamant about ending the marriage and not ending contact with the OM, and is basically flaunting it, just file for D.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

cowboyreggie said:


> This hasn't been going on for a year, maybe a couple of months at most. I've been browsing TAM for close to a year now when good friend was going thru some marital problems of his own.
> 
> She hasn't taken any steps to end the marriage yet, other than mentioning divorce and talking logistics of how we would split things. I think she's in her affair cloud and sees ending our M as the only solution.


 Then you take the steps. Look, the first thing I would do is let her know that if she wants to continue her EA then do it some place else but not in your home. There isn't any room for three in a marriage and she's done just that. 

What's going on is she playing both ends to the middle by keeping you on one string and this OM on another.

Is that what you want? You want to be played until she decides? Make the choice for her. Hand her coat, hat and suitcase and tell her to take it someplace else because your not playing game with her like she's doing to you.

Maybe that will wake her ass up but then you need to decide if you'll be able to trust her again. So far, she's failing big time.


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