# Just wanted a place to vent



## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

I guess I just needed a place to let out my frustrations. My wife has gained a lot of weight since we got married five years ago, and I feel like I'm on the verge of calling it quits. We have been together for 11 yrs. Hard to get everything I want to say out...just feel overwhelmed. I can't broach the subject with her because she gets overly sensitive and says she's working on it. But for the love of god it's been almost a year and she looks like she has gained even more weight. 

Over the past 11 years we have had our ups and downs in the weight category. We met in 2002, I was 150 lbs 5'8 then and after the 5 year mark started putting on some pounds. I got to be my heaviest 192lbs in 2008. Little did I know I had hypothyroidism. Started losing weight after my 30th birthday in July 2011 because I was sick of feeling like a fat slob. I lost 15 lbs. Got diagnosed with my condition in December of 2011. With the help of the medication to regulate my thyroid I dropped 17 more. I am now 160 lbs just 10 more than when I was 20. 

My wife is 5'3 and was a little on the thick side when we first met, however, nowhere near what she has become. Funny thing is when I was at my heaviest she got down to her thinnest. She weighed 120 lbs soaking wet when we got married in 2008. But since then it's been downhill. I don't know what she weighs now because she won't get on the scale in front of me. If I had to guess, and I'm being conservative I'd say 175 lbs. I know what you're thinking, maybe she has a medical condition. That is what we thought too, but apparently she doesn't. At least none that would show up on the complete blood work she had done. 

I guess the situation has become more acute after I lost weight. And she kept gaining it. Sometimes I would like to have a frank discussion with her, but something always comes up, and I don't. We have been discussing the possibility of having kids soon, but I am terrified of the possibility of her gaining even more weight. I don't think I'd be able to handle another 10-20 lbs on her let alone 30 or 40 that some women gain during pregnancy. We used to have great sex, and it got better even after we tied the knot. But now we haven't had sex in over 2 months. Even before that it had already been going down hill. It became a chore, and not making light of the situation, but I couldn't have her on top anymore, which was one of our favorite positions. 

She is an otherwise great woman, and I feel shallow for feeling this way, but it is what it is. I'm embarrassed to go out with her. I had a friends birthday party last weekend at a club, and I insisted it was "guy's" night out. I know it's awful and I feel like an a hole. I don't know what else to do. 

P.s. Before you tell me to encourage her to work out or eat smart as a solution, I bought a very expensive treadmill at her request, in 2011. She used it maybe 5 times. I got upset at spending so much money on it and her not using it, I started to use it when I would watch tv or play video games. It's what got the ball rolling for my weight loss. So some good came out of it. Now she recently joined a gym in January, she has already stopped going. After the 150.00 initiation fee we spent. I know in a couple of weeks she won't even mention the gym. I am giving her two more weeks, after that I'm having the membership switched over to my name. As for eating healthy, when I initially started losing weight I went on a very strict diet of boiled chicken/salad and low carbs, but she didn't want to be as restrictive as I was. Then just ended up eating whatever she wanted after awhile. 

thnaks for letting me vent


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

She is going to have to want to do this for herself. I have gained weight this past year due to stress, I stress eat. We are cooking healthy meals, I joined the gym, I really want to lose the weight, but it's not happening because I don't want it enough. I know this. 

Until she gets really pi$$ed off mad about it and decides to do it, it may not happen. I am just about there. She and I need to get motivated, but this is nothing you can do for her. She has to want it herself. Sorry.


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## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

So what do I do? Nothing? Let her continue on this path even if she gains another 40lbs?


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Have you tried talking to her about it, and being honest with her? My husband has been jumping around in circles giving me hints. :rofl: he has hired a nutritionist to come to his office and speak to his employees. I'm sure he will want me to come up there too. I know that this is important to him and he has tried to tell me as politely as he can. I appreciate that. 

If nothing else works, maybe she needs to hear about the party and why you didn't want her to go. I don't know, but she needs a wake up call. That would really hurt her feelings though. It would mine. 

Dealing with weight is a touchy subject. Once before my husband said something and I lost down to 107 pounds. He just about took me to the hospital because he was so worried I had lost to much weight. 

My favorite place to go is to Disney. I would never go there fat and he knows it. :rofl: so tonight my husband told me to check into a trip for Dec, but I'm thinking June. I am setting myself this goal and I will work hard to make it. I have done it before. 

It's all in the mind, ya know? What made you lose weight? Maybe help her that way. 

Is your wife a stress eater? Maybe she needs to see a doctor for stress. It could also be her thyroid. Just be open and honest with her. If she sees how much you care about her and how much you love her that may be enough to get her started.


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

I'd have to know more about your wife to give you any solid advice, but generally in this area, I'd say "make it fun". Start by letting her know that you are worried about her and it's causing a lot of stress for you. Ask her what she likes to do. "Exercise" as in tread mill or gym, isn't for everyone. I can't get into that kind of stuff. So, ask her, what would SHE like to do? After I gained some post-baby-weight and couldn't get it off, my hubby started taking me ballroom dancing twice a week. We had a blast and I lost the extra 10 lbs in a few months. Doesn't eat healthy? Do you cook? If not, start making dinners a "fun experience" and cook her new styles of foods (that are healthy and low in fat).

The fact is, she has to WANT to do it. Nothing you have done so far as given her the motivation. You have to motivate her or find a way to get her to eat healthier and exercise more that she will enjoy. 

Or, let her gain the weight and suck it up. There is no "you got to fat" clause in the wedding vows for a reason


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Do you guys have children?

Is this a common trait in her family, or is she an outlier?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Who does the shopping? I's start doing all the shopping and make sure there's never any crap in the house for her to eat. And any of it that magically shows up, I'd just throw out. Start asking her to go for walks with you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Barring any medical conditions that may prevent it, I think weight loss is about 90% mental and about 10% physical. If a person lacks motiviation to get it going they won't. It doesn't matter how much encouragement they get, if they don't want to they won't. 

OP your wife needs to change her attitude about losing weight. Can you do that for her? NO. You'll only frustrate yourself further trying to force the issue. If she knows how you feel about it, you've provided her some tools to help, you've encouraged her to get it going, then you've done your part. Now it's up to her.


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## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

Ill try to answer all the questions so that maybe I can be better helped.

No we don't have any children. We are thinking about it, but like I said I am terrified of the fact that she will gain more weight. 

No I don't cook(unless you call egg sandwiches/omelettes cooking) (side note I make the best egg sandwiches and omelettes), since I work from home half the day, 99% of my meals consist of an egg white omelette/glass of milk, a protein shake for lunch, a fiber bar for a snack, and usually whatever I feel like eating for dinner within reason. I don't have to be up till 9 am, she's out the door before 8, for me to cook for her I'd have to wake up 2 hours earlier everyday, which I do once in awhile to cook her a healthy breakfast. But it is unreasonable to ask anyone to wake up earlier everyday than their allotted time, when we have all the ingredients and she could make a healthy breakfast for herself. I don't know what she eats at work. She works at a hospital so there is a cafeteria, and she gets a hospital discount so I don't know what she buys. Since she uses a debit card I see the transactions in our checking account but it doesn't say what she bought. For dinner she usually cooks since the other half of the day I'm working outside the home and usually get home around 8 she's home at 6. For the most part we eat fairly healthy at home, but I love going out on the weekends, so usually friday and saturday we'll eat out. I always suggest splitting something so maybe we won't eat so much, but she says she doesn't like what I order, or really wanted to eat item x. So most of the time I save a good 1/3 to 1/2 my meal as lunch for another day, while she does not.

We do the shopping together, however since I eat at home for most of my meals, the grocery cart is usually filled with only stuff I use and whatever she wants to make for dinner that week. Usually she'll make enough to last 4 days. And I don't mind eating the same thing because she is a good cook. I'll buy my eggs/milk/veggies for the omelette/frozen fruit for my protein shake/and fiber bars. Then she'll add whatever she wants to cook for us that week. I really don't believe the problem is at home. We don't keep many snacks at home, and since we try to stretch out our food so she doesn't have to cook so often we portion out or meals. I do indulge in ice cream once in awhile but I buy the mini individual ice cream purposefully so I'm not tempted to finish off half a gallon in one sitting. 

I don't think the problem is at home, we don't have buckets of fried chicken or big macs every day. And as far as I have seen there are no fast food bags in the garbage, since I take out the trash. So the place I see being the problem is at work. She has to be snacking there and getting most of her calories there.

Which leads me to the fact that I know she won't change unless she really wants it. I didn't change until I got sick and fed up of being fat. The fact that I had hypothyroidism only became known after I started my weight loss. And while regulating my thyroid has helped me shed more pounds, it wasn't what got me started. 

So I'm waiting till after valentine's day, since I figure it probably wouldn't be a good idea to ruin our weekend. But I'm going to have to tell her I can't do this anymore. I know sex isn't the only part in a marriage but it has a big part in it. And I don't want to have sex with her. I really feel like I am going to have an outburst and say some really mean things. I am beginning to resent her. I am catching myself more and more looking at her with disgust and disdain. I look at her stomach, her thighs, her arms and it makes me want to throw up in my mouth a bit. I shouldn't feel that way about my wife, but I do. We have 11 yrs together. More than 1/3 of our life has been spent living with each other. But I'm only 31 and while not rich by any means, I make a decent living. I'm no Ryan Gosling, but in my opinion decent looking. I shouldn't be shackled at home because she "feels fat" and doesn't want to go out. I also shouldn't have to lie and say it's a guys night out, because I am embarrassed by her.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I don't want to have sex with her. I really feel like I am going to have an outburst and say some really mean things. I am beginning to resent her. I am catching myself more and more looking at her with disgust and disdain.


Wow.


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## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

I know that was harsh, but how can I help the way I feel. It is easy to say don't have those thoughts. But I am really scared, the seed has been planted and taken roots and I catch myself feeling this way more and more.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

KeepLoveGrowing said:


> I'd have to know more about your wife to give you any solid advice, but generally in this area, I'd say "make it fun". Start by letting her know that you are worried about her and it's causing a lot of stress for you. Ask her what she likes to do. "Exercise" as in tread mill or gym, isn't for everyone. I can't get into that kind of stuff. So, ask her, what would SHE like to do? After I gained some post-baby-weight and couldn't get it off, my hubby started taking me ballroom dancing twice a week. We had a blast and I lost the extra 10 lbs in a few months. Doesn't eat healthy? Do you cook? If not, start making dinners a "fun experience" and cook her new styles of foods (that are healthy and low in fat).
> 
> The fact is, she has to WANT to do it. Nothing you have done so far as given her the motivation. You have to motivate her or find a way to get her to eat healthier and exercise more that she will enjoy.
> 
> Or, let her gain the weight and suck it up. There is no "you got to fat" clause in the wedding vows for a reason


Here's the thing... you and she will need to understand what motivates her if you want this to change. 

Is she the type of person who gets more motivated because she fears criticism, or does she get motivated to do more when she is praised? Think about this because it's important to how you approach this subject with you if you want any kind of positive results. 

If she gets excited about compliments and does more of the behaviors that encouraged it (think about if she's worn a particular item of clothing more often because she was complimented, for instance) then you'll fall flat on your face if she perceives criticism. 

Conversely, if she gets motivated because she fears something, then the direct approach would work better. 

If she's the praise=motivation type, you'll need to find ways that make her feel good about working out. Fun workouts, going to Curves where she can meet new friends, taking up bicycling together, etc. plus lots of praise and compliments when she does these things.

Bottom line is you have to get into her head to find out what the obstacle is and how to help her see a way to overcome it.


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## myfirsthissecond (Jan 6, 2013)

Maybe your negativity has hindered her weight goals. Does she have those same goals? She may feel healthy or pretty. Communication. BTW your last statements sound kinda shallow....why "disdain" her just because of a little weight. Embrace her and love her, isn't that the way it was when you first met her?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

We can't help what attracts us, or what turns us off. 

First, do not, i repeat...do not get her pregnant any time in the near future. You are already in a sexless marriage, having children will certainly not help that situation. 

I think you need to read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr Harley. Having a physically attractive spouse is a definite need for many men. Both of you should do the questionnaires, and have an honest dialogue about each others needs and the state of your marriage.


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## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Here's the thing... you and she will need to understand what motivates her if you want this to change.
> 
> Is she the type of person who gets more motivated because she fears criticism, or does she get motivated to do more when she is praised? Think about this because it's important to how you approach this subject with you if you want any kind of positive results.
> 
> ...


you have a valid point. Finding out which way to best motivate her. The direct approach has been tried and she gets defensive and/or says she's working on it. And lately I haven't even brought it up because I've tried in the past and she hasn't been receptive. She'll do it for a bit and then stop. 6 Months ago I started walking my neighbors dog at night because the poor thing was tied up outside all day, and they would never take her out. So I asked her to come along with. She did all of two times. She blames the dog. The dog is to fussy, the dog is this the dog is that. It's a freaking dog, it's likes to walk. So I said lets go for a walk earlier without the dog, and then I'll take the dog out. Nope not that either. She gets home from work and veg out in front of the tv. I'll get home a couple hours later, we'll eat dinner talk about our day, watch a tv show or 2 and she'll head off to bed while I go for a jog or walk with the dog.


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## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

tradefast said:


> She weighed 120 lbs soaking wet when we got married in 2008.





myfirsthissecond said:


> Maybe your negativity has hindered her weight goals. Does she have those same goals? She may feel healthy or pretty. Communication. BTW your last statements sound kinda shallow....why "disdain" her just because of a little weight. Embrace her and love her, isn't that the way it was when you first met her?


it isn't a little weight, 5-10 maybe 15 lbs I wouldn't have said a thing. but she is and I am estimating conservatively 45-50lbs heavier now. how is one not supposed to react negatively?


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## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

sorry one more thing, How long should I wait for some outcome that may or may not happen. I started my weight loss mid July 2011 after my birthday. So it's been 1 1/2 years. I've lost 32 lbs and kept it off. She has not lost 1. And we want to have kids soon, we like to plan things down to a T, so we always discussed having children after she turned 30. I figured we would have had enough time by ourselves after we got married and had our "alone time before kids" and it would be the next logical step in a relationship by that point. I mean it doesn't have to be the second after she turns 30 but we both planned for around that time. Now I don't know.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Another idea -

You ask why should you get up earlier? I have seen many couples who are waaay off on schedules from each other and it is very difficult on their marriage. If at all possible (assuming the same 'shift' - get up at the same time. Cook breakfast together. Make her lunch (less chance of straying off eating plan) and go to bed at the same time.

You say you don't HAVE to and you don't, but it would go a long way to a healthier relationship IMO. It would set the tone for the day and you'd be tired at the same time in the evening. 

Have you said "please" when you ask her to take a walk? Start off holding hands. 50 pounds in 5 years is only 10 pounds a year - I'm sure it snuck up on her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

tradefast said:


> sorry one more thing, How long should I wait for some outcome that may or may not happen. I started my weight loss mid July 2011 after my birthday. So it's been 1 1/2 years. I've lost 32 lbs and kept it off. She has not lost 1. And we want to have kids soon, we like to plan things down to a T, so we always discussed having children after she turned 30. I figured we would have had enough time by ourselves after we got married and had our "alone time before kids" and it would be the next logical step in a relationship by that point. I mean it doesn't have to be the second after she turns 30 but we both planned for around that time. Now I don't know.


You are "too logical"..you didn't "compute" HER gaining weight".I would not have kids with her..I would find a "skinny" girl that you want to raise kids with..and just pray she doesn't gain weight/.I wouldnt have children with a guy that "just didn't know"..if he wanted kids with me for fear I might gain(more) weight"..Have you told your wife all this? To be fair you should..She may not want to stay married to you let alone have children with you .

Don't hide your feelings..


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

tradefast said:


> sorry one more thing, How long should I wait for some outcome that may or may not happen. I started my weight loss mid July 2011 after my birthday. So it's been 1 1/2 years. I've lost 32 lbs and kept it off. She has not lost 1. And we want to have kids soon, we like to plan things down to a T, so we always discussed having children after she turned 30. I figured we would have had enough time by ourselves after we got married and had our "alone time before kids" and it would be the next logical step in a relationship by that point. I mean it doesn't have to be the second after she turns 30 but we both planned for around that time. Now I don't know.


You are not happy now, you are not having sex now, why would would want to bring children into that? You do know most women gain weight when they have children? And usually there is less sex too. 

It doesn't sound like she is going to lose the weight. Can you accept that?


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

You need to decide if you can love her at any size, because if you cannot, then you need to move on to be fair to your happiness AND hers. 

She deserves to be loved by a man who loves and finds her attractive the way she is. And you deserve happiness in the areas you need as well. She will likely not change permanently the way you want her to, so deciding HOW important this issue is to you is key.

PS: If sex is lacking, then likely her emotional needs in the marriage are not being fulfilled OR she has self image issues at her current size. Do you fight a lot?


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## tradefast (Feb 12, 2013)

No we don't fight a lot because for the most part she is a great woman. moving up in her field, getting her masters, and a loving wife. I've only mentioned the weight issue 3 or 4 times in 2 years. And that usually leads to becoming defensive and flipping the argument to something I did, so I haven't even bothered lately. I know she knows that she has gained a lot of weight. Why else would she place her purse in front of her stomach when we go out and sit somewhere? Or by these things called spanx? 

I can't help the way I feel. I am no longer sexually attracted to her at this weight. eventually it will become to much to bare and I will either get a divorce or cheat on her. That's the sad reality. I have physical needs. I use to love kissing her stomach and gently biting her, but now the very thought of it makes me sick. I'm sorry she gained all this weight, but I'm not the one stopping her from working out, and I'm not forcing food down her throat. Frankly I don't feel like I should have to go above and beyond what I've already done. I have tried repeatedly to have her come exercise with me. When we go grocery shopping I suggest a salad for dinner instead. They have these great ready made salads at my local grocer, just put a zero calorie dressing and some grilled chicken, can't get easier or more healthy than that. 

Why should I have to beg someone to lose weight. If she doesn't want to, so be it.What I won't do, is go through the rest of my life forever "weighed" down by someone else. I have kept this bottled up in me for along time, trying to never hurt her feelings. And what do I have to show for all my effort? A wife I am embarrassed to be seen with. Right now it feels like I'm living with a roommate more so than the beautiful woman I married 5 short years ago.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

tradefast said:


> No we don't fight a lot because for the most part she is a great woman. moving up in her field, getting her masters, and a loving wife. I've only mentioned the weight issue 3 or 4 times in 2 years. And that usually leads to becoming defensive and flipping the argument to something I did, so I haven't even bothered lately. I know she knows that she has gained a lot of weight. Why else would she place her purse in front of her stomach when we go out and sit somewhere? Or by these things called spanx?
> 
> I can't help the way I feel. I am no longer sexually attracted to her at this weight. eventually it will become to much to bare and I will either get a divorce or cheat on her. That's the sad reality. I have physical needs. I use to love kissing her stomach and gently biting her, but now the very thought of it makes me sick. I'm sorry she gained all this weight, but I'm not the one stopping her from working out, and I'm not forcing food down her throat. Frankly I don't feel like I should have to go above and beyond what I've already done. I have tried repeatedly to have her come exercise with me. When we go grocery shopping I suggest a salad for dinner instead. They have these great ready made salads at my local grocer, just put a zero calorie dressing and some grilled chicken, can't get easier or more healthy than that.
> 
> Why should I have to beg someone to lose weight. If she doesn't want to, so be it.What I won't do, is go through the rest of my life forever "weighed" down by someone else. I have kept this bottled up in me for along time, trying to never hurt her feelings. And what do I have to show for all my effort? A wife I am embarrassed to be seen with. Right now it feels like I'm living with a roommate more so than the beautiful woman I married 5 short years ago.


You are completely okay to feel the way you do, and you are correct that your needs are your needs, and that cannot change. Being honest that you CANNOT reconcile this is a good thing. Because realizing this NOW (before the cheating, or any other road that could be taken) is absolutely the best thing you can do for your wife in this instance.

NOW armed with your awareness on your core physical needs in marraige, you need to talk to your wife. 

You may need to take some time and care here, because the potential for causing un-repairable damage is high. There is no way you CAN'T hurt her with his, but you can avoid causing TOO much damage by making sure you say the right things. And be honest with yourself too. She is not wrong for not fitting your needs. YOU find her unattractive, but that doesn't mean she IS unattractive. 

Your goals in the conversation should be:

A) Conveying to her your needs in your marriage. She HAS to know what she's dealing with so she too can make a more informed decision for herself. She may not want to be with a man who doesn't find her attractive as is, and that's something you need to be prepared for. 

B) Listen and understand HER SIDE of things. This will give you the other major tool you need to make YOUR informed decision on how to proceed. She may need some time to think before she gives you her full answers.

She needs to be the one to decide if she does this for you or not. You cannot press upon her your expectations on how she SHOULD be. That is your opinion. The decisions to alter her entire life choices for your needs, has to come from her. You can only make your needs known, and let her decide. But be ready for her to not be okay with it, and start thinking about your options for if she's not.

Good luck to you, I wish you all the best


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> You may need to take some time and care here, because the potential for causing un-repairable damage is high. There is no way you CAN'T hurt her with his, but you can avoid causing TOO much damage by making sure you say the right things. And be honest with yourself too. She is not wrong for not fitting your needs. YOU find her unattractive, but that doesn't mean she IS unattractive.



This is brilliant and I never thought of this in this way (and I have the same problem as OP, but less extreme)

I think the approach ComicBookLady is suggesting is good for *anyone* in this situation.

Basically you are asking the person who has "let themselves go" to decide if they would prefer to be obese and with a different person, or lose weight and stay with you.

They might say "you should love me for who I am!" to which, IMO, the answer that love and attraction can be separate is absolutely fair. It is true for women *and* men. 

So it can come down to "would you rather be fat and with another guy/gal, or do you actually love ME enough to lose weight and stay with me"

I've never had the balls to do this honestly. I just kind of wait patiently, and our sex life has become 0, and I try to encourage in other ways. We are both sort of LD and we are so focused on the kid that it isnt so bad honestly (for US... I totally get that it can be TERMINAL for others).

OP, you are to be commended for being super honest about a topic where many people wouldn't want to admit their true feelings! For that I give you :smthumbup: for courage.

Perhaps you should attempt the conversation that is suggested above.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are in a fight or flight mode now & you want to take the easier flight route. Fight for your marriage! Tell her exactly how you feel & that you are thinking of leaving. There is a skinny woman inside of her just waiting to come out but she needs help. Be honest, compassionate & firm. Give her time to lose weight. Attack the problem, not the person.

Remember, you both are unhappy. I am sure she is very unhappy with her weight. If you leave her, she will go on the "divorce diet" & get hot again & you will regret leaving her & she will find someone else.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

tradefast said:


> No we don't fight a lot because for the most part she is a great woman. moving up in her field, getting her masters, and a loving wife. I've only mentioned the weight issue 3 or 4 times in 2 years. And that usually leads to becoming defensive and flipping the argument to something I did, so I haven't even bothered lately. I know she knows that she has gained a lot of weight. Why else would she place her purse in front of her stomach when we go out and sit somewhere? Or by these things called spanx?
> 
> I can't help the way I feel. I am no longer sexually attracted to her at this weight. eventually it will become to much to bare and I will either get a divorce or cheat on her. That's the sad reality. I have physical needs. I use to love kissing her stomach and gently biting her, but now the very thought of it makes me sick. I'm sorry she gained all this weight, but I'm not the one stopping her from working out, and I'm not forcing food down her throat. Frankly I don't feel like I should have to go above and beyond what I've already done. I have tried repeatedly to have her come exercise with me. When we go grocery shopping I suggest a salad for dinner instead. They have these great ready made salads at my local grocer, just put a zero calorie dressing and some grilled chicken, can't get easier or more healthy than that.
> 
> Why should I have to beg someone to lose weight. If she doesn't want to, so be it.What I won't do, is go through the rest of my life forever "weighed" down by someone else. I have kept this bottled up in me for along time, trying to never hurt her feelings. And what do I have to show for all my effort? A wife I am embarrassed to be seen with. Right now it feels like I'm living with a roommate more so than the beautiful woman I married 5 short years ago.


Based on what you've said here, I think you should just come clean with her and tell her. 

"Lose 40lbs (or whatever number you would like to see) or I'm divorcing you."

There's no point in beating around the bush, you've tried to help her with this and none of it has really worked. Be warned though, if you come to her with this demand (let's call it what it is) she may just call your bluff. If she DOES agree to it, she may do it, resent you for it, then leave YOU. 

It's a chance you'll have to take if you absolutely cannot live with her as she is. Give it to her straight.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Also you may want to try and consider what your wife's body type is before you talk to her. You can give yourself an idea of her capabilities to meet your needs here. She may not be able to help it, and you can make further decisions based on that.

If she is the wrong body type (*Endomorph*) it may be closer to impossible for her to meet your needs forever. Endomorph body types have difficulty building muscle, and hoard fat. They have to work three times harder to lose ANY weight, much less stay thin. You can help tell by the fact that they often have smaller set shoulders, less muscle tone, and wider hips.

If she is a *Mesomorph* body type, she _may_ be able to keep trim with some effort, but still can be prone to weight gain if not paying attention. These people tend to be more evenly distributed (wider shoulders, smaller hips).

She is obviously not an *Ectomorph*, which is the body type you desire, because they have the ability to stay thin, not exercise, and eat whatever they want _forever_. There's usua


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