# What's wrong with me



## ColdSexyFeet (Nov 28, 2021)

I've been with my husband for 4 years now and I've known about his foot fetish since day one. I have experienced this in past relationships but never to this extent. I have been willing to fulfill all of his fantasies and desires... I mean everything he has ever told me he wanted ( even putting my feelings aside for most of them) He told me from the beginning that his ultimate fantasy was to have 2 woman's feet in his face at the same time. This has now happened many different times and his fantasy has now grown to include hand jobs and then blowjobs but don't forget the foot jobs ( how could I ever forget those) Its like no matter what I do or how much I hurt myself to do it its never going to be enough. Most recently he has been messaging other woman asking for feet pictures secretly. He has also been watching alot of foot porn and been using toys to pleasure himself right in front of me ..its like he doesn't even remember I'm there. As you must know this absolutely kills me inside and has ruined my self esteem and sexual confidence ( I even have a hard time with masturbation due to these issues) Please someone help me with any suggestions or comments on this subject and what I can do to gain back his attention for just me and btw if anyone is wondering I have a perfect set of size 6 beautiful feet and take such great care if them since we've been together I haven't set foot on the ground barefoot because he has asked me


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## ColdSexyFeet (Nov 28, 2021)

My husband and I have been together for 4years now. In the beginning the sex was amazing and frequent but in the last year we've had sex only twice... I've pleased him with oral and hand and foot but he hasn't touched me at all ..if I'm being honest he hasn't gone down on me in over a year and a half now either.. He watches porn and masturbates almost daily so I know he has desire but what is wrong with me any suggestions on how to talk to him or what to do HELP


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m sorry my sister... porn wrecks men and marriage. Do you think he’s willing to get treatment? You can’t really have an actual marriage with a man on porn. There’s likely nothing wrong with you... this is on him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Start planning a divorce.
You can do better.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Tell him what your needs are and get him to step up.

Hopefully he’s not watching some depraved porn and that’s the only way he can get off.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Do you ever initiate? What does he do\say if you do?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You have two threads going. You'll get better responses keeping it to one thread. This sub section also doesn't get as much traction as the sex in marriage forum or the infidelity forum.

He is cheating on you. He finds feet sexy and he's messaging women and asking for photos of their feet. To another man this is the same as asking for breast pictures or vagina pictures. It's cheating. He's also asking you for a 3 way.

Does he reciprocate? Does he find out what you need sexually, emotionally and provide it? 
It doesn't seem like it.

Sounds like he's watching too much porn or something to think that you are just there to fulfill his fantasies without any concern for your feelings and desires.

Do you have children? I hope not. 
Like any other cheater you need to figure out how far it's gone and if you can live with it. Many can't. Also he needs to understand what he's doing is hurtful and harmful.

Have you expressed your feelings to him?


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## Zen John (Nov 28, 2021)

Do you tell him that you want to have sex with him? And that you want/deserve to have an orgasm too?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

T


ColdSexyFeet said:


> My husband and I have been together for 4years now. In the beginning the sex was amazing and frequent but in the last year we've had sex only twice... I've pleased him with oral and hand and foot but he hasn't touched me at all ..if I'm being honest he hasn't gone down on me in over a year and a half now either.. He watches porn and masturbates almost daily so I know he has desire but what is wrong with me any suggestions on how to talk to him or what to do HELP


There is nothing wrong with you at all, but there is a lot wrong with him. He is putting all of his sexual energies and desires into other women and none into you. 
Unless he stops the porn it wont get better. 
You may have to give him a choice, you or the porn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@ColdSexyFeet

I merged your two threads into this one. They are basically on the same topic. You will get better input with on thread per topic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zen John said:


> Where?


 The two threads are now merged. Go back and read the first post on this thread, it will give you the additional info.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Porn is an interesting drug. Its like booze some seem to handle it, but some cannot. I used it a numb it out. I could still have sex with my wife but it cut off real intimacy. It made numb in the inside and I would stay in the porn world sometimes even when having sex. Needless to say it had devastating effects on my marriage. 

There are programs now other then SA online and otherwise that can help with this struggle and the struggle is real. Imagery and visuals are connected to most mens endorphins which trigger sexual arousal. Porn fits these. Like most numbing agents, its temporary and addictive. Always chasing your next thrill, willing to further yourself in topics you would never need to see. You become resistant to the endorphin s in the head. This leads to more porn not more intimacy. The real thing can't compare to the drug in your head. Like most addictions like this he will need some help and want help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> My husband and I have been together for 4years now. In the beginning the sex was amazing and frequent but in the last year we've had sex only twice... I've pleased him with oral and hand and foot but he hasn't touched me at all ..if I'm being honest he hasn't gone down on me in over a year and a half now either.. He watches porn and masturbates almost daily so I know he has desire but what is wrong with me any suggestions on how to talk to him or what to do HELP


Your husband is porn addicted.

You have been facilitating his addiction by giving him sexual attention and putting up with him ignoring your needs. You should stop that asap. Only engage in sexual activity that gives both of you pleasure. Let him know this is how it's going to be going forward.

If you want to continue this marriage, sit him down and tell him that the status quo is not working for you and if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to get help to end his porn and foot fetish addiction. If he agrees to the counseling then you can give him a few months... 6 or so. And if he has not given up all porn you would do well to file for divorce.

If you don't want to continue this marriage, just file for divorce and be done with it. Porn addiction is a lot of infidelity. It destroys marriages.

Your Brain On Porn -


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I wish you luck. First you need to set some boundaries in your marriage on his contacting other women. 

Next I would suggest that you tell him that you have needs and want to feel sexually desired by him in ways that you want. Explain to him that he needs to do things for you sexually. Perhaps suggest that you take turns doing some role playing.

Again good luck. He is taking advantage of you and in n the process pushing you away.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> what is wrong with me


In one word - him. Kick off your shoes and go barefoot. That will be way more fun than what you are doing now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

there is nothing wrong with you. 

He is very disordered and dysfunctional and needs professional help. Like almost all addicts and the disordered, he probably won't seek or comply with treatment until he has hit rock bottom and even then he may still not do anything to fix this. 

You will probably need to pack up and leave him with divorce papers sitting on the empty counter before he wakes up and does anything about it.


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## ColdSexyFeet (Nov 28, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Tell him what your needs are and get him to step up.
> 
> Hopefully he’s not watching some depraved porn and that’s the only way he can get off.


He watches foot porn actually I used to think it was harmless.. I try to initiate sex and mention it constantly


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> He watches foot porn actually I used to think it was harmless.. I try to initiate sex and mention it constantly


What would you do if you found out he was involved with another woman and was having sex with her daily and not giving you any attention or affection or lifting a finger to meet your needs despite your asking? What would you do?

So is there really any difference here?

If he is spanking to porn all the time and ignoring and neglecting your need and requests - is there really any difference between that and getting elsewhere? ....... because for all practical purposes, he IS getting it elsewhere.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> I've been with my husband for 4 years now and I've known about his foot fetish since day one. I have experienced this in past relationships but never to this extent. I have been willing to fulfill all of his fantasies and desires... I mean everything he has ever told me he wanted ( even putting my feelings aside for most of them) He told me from the beginning that his ultimate fantasy was to have 2 woman's feet in his face at the same time. This has now happened many different times and his fantasy has now grown to include hand jobs and then blowjobs but don't forget the foot jobs ( how could I ever forget those) Its like no matter what I do or how much I hurt myself to do it its never going to be enough. Most recently he has been messaging other woman asking for feet pictures secretly. He has also been watching alot of foot porn and been using toys to pleasure himself right in front of me ..its like he doesn't even remember I'm there. As you must know this absolutely kills me inside and has ruined my self esteem and sexual confidence ( I even have a hard time with masturbation due to these issues) Please someone help me with any suggestions or comments on this subject and what I can do to gain back his attention for just me and btw if anyone is wondering I have a perfect set of size 6 beautiful feet and take such great care if them since we've been together I haven't set foot on the ground barefoot because he has asked me


As a kinkster, I can tell you that you cannot just cater to his kinks and desires. It has to be a mutual thing. There is only so far you can go in providing him with his fantasies, assuming that they are realistic. The fact that you allowed him to go so long without reciprocating has allowed him to turn his focus on himself. This is the point that you need to professional help if the marriage is to be saved, if it can be. There really aren't any easy solutions, and very few, if any, that you can do on your own. Seek professional help. But if he is unwilling to work for it, then don't remain in what is essentially an abusive relationship. As to the threesome from the other thread, such open relationships do not work with unstable marriages. Don't ever use another person with the hope it will help a hurting marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> I've been with my husband for 4 years now and I've known about his foot fetish since day one. I have experienced this in past relationships but never to this extent. I have been willing to fulfill all of his fantasies and desires... I mean everything he has ever told me he wanted ( even putting my feelings aside for most of them) He told me from the beginning that his ultimate fantasy was to have 2 woman's feet in his face at the same time. This has now happened many different times and his fantasy has now grown to include hand jobs and then blowjobs but don't forget the foot jobs ( how could I ever forget those) Its like no matter what I do or how much I hurt myself to do it its never going to be enough. Most recently he has been messaging other woman asking for feet pictures secretly. He has also been watching alot of foot porn and been using toys to pleasure himself right in front of me ..its like he doesn't even remember I'm there. As you must know this absolutely kills me inside and has ruined my self esteem and sexual confidence ( I even have a hard time with masturbation due to these issues) Please someone help me with any suggestions or comments on this subject and what I can do to gain back his attention for just me and btw if anyone is wondering I have a perfect set of size 6 beautiful feet and take such great care if them since we've been together I haven't set foot on the ground barefoot because he has asked me


A fetish comes before everything else. He doesn't love you as much as he loves his finish. Very Sly of him to say he wanted two women's feet in his face and then graduated on out to penis play. 

I wouldn't stay with a foot fetishist for 10 minutes and neither would anyone else I know. There are some men who are in the middle ground on it and don't let it become a finish and take over their life and sex life, and that's fine if you can stand it. I can't stand it. Dump the toesucker!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

how about re-directing his fetish to better serve you.
you need to become his dominatrix. You can wear stiletto heeled boots, black leathers, and use a riding crop on him to enforce what you want. make him lick your boots. make him give your oral, or other pleasures, or else punish him.
put him in a chastity cage and keep the key on a necklace around your neck...that will stop his porn use immediately.
When he understands his new role, you can invite some of your GF's over to see him performing for you, furthering his humiliation.
Make is as degrading for him as possible, with you in total control of his sexual life.

And if the above is not your sort of thing, then i would agree with the others, time to divorce him, you two are not going to be compatible sexually.


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## ColdSexyFeet (Nov 28, 2021)

Thanks so much for your advice.. And please keep it coming everything helps. I haven't yet tried that I kind of did in a more subtle approach.. I have told him to suck my toes or finish on my feet a few times and he didn't react well he pretty much asked me to stop talking lol (what a romantic huh). I am willing to try anything though things just keep getting worse and even more hurtful just yesterday I put on a new lingerie outfit that was just delivered and laid next to him in bed and he didn't lay a finger on me I had to ask him how I looked. And I know for a fact that he masturbated while I was in the shower. I have always felt desired and wanted in my life this is a whole different galaxy to me.


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## ColdSexyFeet (Nov 28, 2021)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> Thanks so much for your advice.. And please keep it coming everything helps. I haven't yet tried that I kind of did in a more subtle approach.. I have told him to suck my toes or finish on my feet a few times and he didn't react well he pretty much asked me to stop talking lol (what a romantic huh). I am willing to try anything though things just keep getting worse and even more hurtful just yesterday I put on a new lingerie outfit that was just delivered and laid next to him in bed and he didn't lay a finger on me I had to ask him how I looked. And I know for a fact that he masturbated while I was in the shower. I have always felt desired and wanted in my life this is a whole different galaxy to me.


🦶👣💋👄👣🤦‍♀️👠🧦🌼🔥💦💔


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> Thanks so much for your advice.. And please keep it coming everything helps. I haven't yet tried that I kind of did in a more subtle approach.. I have told him to suck my toes or finish on my feet a few times and he didn't react well he pretty much asked me to stop talking lol (what a romantic huh). I am willing to try anything though things just keep getting worse and even more hurtful just yesterday I put on a new lingerie outfit that was just delivered and laid next to him in bed and he didn't lay a finger on me I had to ask him how I looked. And I know for a fact that he masturbated while I was in the shower. I have always felt desired and wanted in my life this is a whole different galaxy to me.


well you are going to have to lead him a little more.
for instance, why were you in the shower by yourself? drag him in there, start washing his back with a soapy washcloth, then his arms, then his chest....and by the time you start lathering up his penis, it should be pretty darn fully erect. get him to cum in the shower....and you are on step one of getting him interested in sex again.

in other words, be a little tricky and devious. get is body responding before his lazy mind can even think "no"

BTW, great job on buying the new lingerie.
if i were you i would take a picture of you wearing it with high heels, then text it to him! keep invading his mind with sexy thoughts.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you want this guy who does nothing but use you? He doesn't even pretend to act in a loving way toward you. Cut yourself loose.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Imagine meeting someone with a boob fetish with a need to have lots of boobs from different women shoved in his face. ... that is not a boob fetish! That is more of a sexual orientation of being non-monogamous (perhaps defining that as a sexual orientation may not exactly be correct but I am just making a point) that has an obsession for boobs.

If your husband simply had a foot fetish AND was exclusive to you in a way that he worshipped the ground your feet walk on... well than this would be a different story. It would be a situation that would likely be much more manageable.

Your husband's foot fetish is NOT the problem. It is the fact that he is not exclusive nor does he show any desire to be exclusive. It is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Sure you can force it through, but it will be unpleasant for both.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> I put on a new lingerie outfit that was just delivered and laid next to him in bed and he didn't lay a finger on me I had to ask him how I looked. And I know for a fact that he masturbated while I was in the shower. I have always felt desired and wanted in my life this is a whole different galaxy to me.


That’s a serious porn addiction. He has a willing wife with her warm V trying to entice him but he’d rather spank the monkey to an image of a photoshopped woman who wouldn’t give him the time of day in real life.

Is that really the guy for you? I guarantee you that there are plenty of guys who would love to tear that lingerie off to get at not just your feet but all of you.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I will be harsh but direct and true. The man here has some issues with confidence and is a bit meek. If he was completely self assured and honest, he would tell the OP why he is opting for porn over her.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My suggestion is to set up some marriage counseling sessions with a Sex Therapist and then possible suggest the guy gets some individual therapy. There is nothing wrong or right with having a thing for feet. There is a lot wrong with not giving your partner what they need in a relationship.


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## ColdSexyFeet (Nov 28, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> My suggestion is to set up some marriage counseling sessions with a Sex Therapist and then possible suggest the guy gets some individual therapy. There is nothing wrong or right with having a thing for feet. There is a lot wrong with not giving your partner what they need in a relationship.


So we have our first couples counseling appointment this afternoon I'm so nervous and anxious I have hope still but I also have come to the realization of reality and know if he doesn't put in the work as well then this will never work out no matter how bad I try I will post after the session to let everyone know how it goes here goes nothing wish me luck


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> So we have our first couples counseling appointment this afternoon I'm so nervous and anxious I have hope still but I also have come to the realization of reality and know if he doesn't put in the work as well then this will never work out no matter how bad I try I will post after the session to let everyone know how it goes here goes nothing wish me luck


Good for you. Let us know how it goes. You might want to discuss in front of the marriage counseling session how the two of you can set reasonable boundaries that will work for both of you with his foot fetish. Discussing things like how you both feel about marriage as an exclusive (or not) sexual relationship. Also, set limits on the amount of foot sex per week or month and the amount of other forms of sex and/or sensuality. Perhaps there are ways that the two of you can role play in a way you both can live with. (Perhaps a couple nights a week, you could put on a wig or outfit and pretend to be someone else, change the color of your toenails, put on some toe rings, etc. to change it up.) Discuss how each of you can get sexual and intimacy satisfaction in your marriage in a way that bring the two of you together emotionally.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> So we have our first couples counseling appointment this afternoon I'm so nervous and anxious I have hope still but I also have come to the realization of reality and know if he doesn't put in the work as well then this will never work out no matter how bad I try I will post after the session to let everyone know how it goes here goes nothing wish me luck


I am curious how this goes as well. You are able to indulge your husband's fantasies monogamously and even allow for mild forms of non-monogamy. This is way more than he should ask for, however he seems to have allowed his foot fetish to become something that disrupts his ability to have a normal life. At that point the situation leans more towards an addictive behavior. So it may be that your husband is a sex addict that happens to have a foot fetish. 

As you talk through things with your counselor, so if there is a way to define and differentiate issues causing challenges in the event you are dealing with more than one issue as a couple.

For example imagine discovering your husband has ASD along with a foot fetish. As a result he may be unable to empathize or recognize when something he does upsets you and that could be what is causing challenges.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

badsanta said:


> I am curious how this goes as well. You are able to indulge your husband's fantasies monogamously and even allow for mild forms of non-monogamy. This is way more than he should ask for, however he seems to have allowed his foot fetish to become something that disrupts his ability to have a normal life. At that point the situation leans more towards an addictive behavior. So it may be that your husband is a sex addict that happens to have a foot fetish.
> 
> As you talk through things with your counselor, so if there is a way to define and differentiate issues causing challenges in the event you are dealing with more than one issue as a couple.
> 
> For example imagine discovering your husband has ASD along with a foot fetish. As a result he may be unable to empathize or recognize when something he does upsets you and that could be what is causing challenges.


This triggered some memories for me. NO not of such a fetish. Get your minds out of the gutters. 

What it did remind me of was the difference between a kink, a fetish, and a philia. It is that last that is a problem. A kink is something that you enjoy doing, but if you don't, no big deal. It becomes a fetish when it's something that you regularly want, but a lack of it doesn't cause any problems. But if it gets to a point where not getting it causes anxiety, or in any other way interferes with your daily life, then it becomes a philia or a disorder. It's doesn't have to be sexual addiction coupled with a foot fetish. The "fetish" alone can be the problem. But yeah, rereading the OP, hubby needs serious therapy, because this seems to have become a philia.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> He watches foot porn actually I used to think it was harmless.. I try to initiate sex and mention it constantly


A fetish is one thing, but what HE is doing is not that. It is more of an addiction, and one where he needs more and more and more to achieve the same high. He is now trying to branch out to feed this from other women?
Just NO. Not right AT ALL.
You need to talk with him to make sure he knows how destructive this has been to you and your marriage. Make sure he understands the repercussions (divorce) if he doesn't stop this behavior.
He needs to go to counseling to find out how to stop the porn usage and to taper off those wilder fantasies that he has.


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## crashdawg (11 mo ago)

Personal thought, walk away. This goes beyond porn, beyond the fetish. This sounds like a non consensual dom/sub relationship. He does what he wants (which is the fetish) but doesn't appear to reciprocate and leaves you hanging. There doesn't appear to be respect for you or for the relationship.

I specifically said non consensual dom/sub. If you both agreed to that type of relationship it's a different conversation but your description doesn't sound like it. My vote would be walk away.


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## ColdSexyFeet (Nov 28, 2021)

crashdawg said:


> Personal thought, walk away. This goes beyond porn, beyond the fetish. This sounds like a non consensual dom/sub relationship. He does what he wants (which is the fetish) but doesn't appear to reciprocate and leaves you hanging. There doesn't appear to be respect for you or for the relationship.
> 
> I specifically said non consensual dom/sub. If you both agreed to that type of relationship it's a different conversation but your description doesn't sound like it. My vote would be walk away.


No we never agreed to that type of relationship but you definitely found that label that fits our situationship or so I have NIW begun to call it .. Thanks for taking the time I really appreciate the help


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## crashdawg (11 mo ago)

ColdSexyFeet said:


> No we never agreed to that type of relationship but you definitely found that label that fits our situationship or so I have NIW begun to call it .. Thanks for taking the time I really appreciate the help


To elaborate more...
In a traditional consensual Dom/Sub permissions are given, safe words are in place, the relationship relies on both power and trust. Things can certainly go too far and that lifestyle isn't for everyone (honestly not my thing).

In a non consensual Dom/Sub it often starts off great but quickly deteriorates into a manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship.

As I said, I'd walk away and my advice has nothing to do with the fetish (also not my thing but feet have a ton of nerve endings). If you're into the feet thing, find a guy whose only focus is you and help each other reach new heights. One. of the hallmarks of a great relationship is the partner isn't interested in self gratification, they're interested in providing the best experience for the other person. When you're trying to be the best for someone and they're trying to be the best for you it's intense.


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