# My father beat us and my mom was too weak to stop him.



## Mussi

A few days ago I had to step in between my father and my 4 year old nephew. In a fit of rage and impatience, my dad had burst into the toilet where my nephew was trying to pee, and all I heard was that little 4 year old boy screaming and shrieking with fear. Instantly I was brought back to my childhood where my dad would almost every other day beat my sister, my brother or me whenever he needed to take out his frustration on some defenseless little child. So after yelling at him to stop and getting no reaction from him, I ran to the toilet, pulled him out, pushed him away from my nephew and closed the door behind me. My nephew flung his little arms around me sobbing and asking me to lock the door, I suppose so his grandfather couldn't come in. He just kept crying and saying"He was not kind, that was not kind" All the while my dad was yelling abuse at me from the other side of the door, saying the most hurtful childish things he could come up with.

When I told my mom, she tried to minimize the situation and to tell me I had overreacted. This for me was the real shock. Granted, my father had probably not layed a hand on my nephew, as I saw no physical marks on him, but he had come at him aggressively and scared the kid so much that he was screaming in fear. 

This brought back memories for me of my mother just standing there crying, looking on as her husband beat her own kids and doing nothing to stop him. I now saw how easy it was to divert my dads aggression from a little child and onto myself, an adult, and I wonder, why didn't she ever do that? He hit her only once, when she was pregnant with me no less, and she couldn't stop retelling that story to my older sister whom my mom had made her confidante at 6, robbing my sister of whatever childhood she had left, but my siblings and I must have gotten beaten hundreds of times over things like spilled milk, or playing too loudly. Why did she never get in between him and us the way I did for my nephew? 

I am left now, not so much angry at my dad, from whom I expected this to happen sooner or later once my nephew grew old enough for my dad to think him frustrating, but so incredibly angry and hurt about my mom. I did the one thing for my nephew I wish someone would have done for me. I stopped my dad. I let him know I would never ever accept that he hurt or scare my nephews, and what did my mom do? She told me I exaggerated. Even if I did, what might be the reason I did? I'm pretty sure I would have given most other people the benefit of the doubt, but having been on the receiving end of my fathers rage so many times I instinctivelty ran to protect my nephew from the same fate. 

I got to see the mechanism so clearly now. All the times my mom stopped my sister and me, when phone in hand, we tried to dial the police as my dad was beating our little brother. Telling us the police wouldn't do anything. Discouraging us from getting help for fear of her secrets being made public, for fear of public humiliation. All the times she tried to put us up against him, painting herself the perfect mom and the perfect martyr, yet she also told us never to tell anyone about what was happening. She was scared, she didn't think she could make it on her own, she wanted the financial security he gave her though she lives in a welfare state that would have taken care of her and her kids and she has family she could have turned to. She was too ashamed to tell anyone, so it became a sickening secret that none of us shared with anyone outside the family. And it was my big sister in the end who stopped him beating us, not my mom. 

Now she is playing the victim with me because I am mad at her for protecting my father once again, and for seeing through the sharade and not wanting any part of it any more. The victim, a role that suits her so well. But I still just can't understand why. She couldn't take one beating from him, what made her think her children could take hundreds? What made her have a third child with a man whom she knew was a terrible father to her first two children. I find her so selfish now, and I am so sad to see her in this light, but I can't ignore it anymore. 

Do any of you have similar experiences, and how did you handle it?


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## unbelievable

Not entirely your mom's fault. She's not you. She learned how to be a wife and parent probably by watching her own. Being submissive and maybe even abused might have been perfectly normal to her. My mom was raised in a home where anything her dad said was unquestioned law and debate or any expression of displeasure was not tolerated. Luckily, her dad would never abuse her or his wife and he could be trusted with that kind of authority. Still, she was raised to be submissive and cooperative. She married my dad and he took advantage of her nature and basically terrorized her and her kids. Physically, she could have stood up to him but it just wasn't in her nature and maybe not in her DNA. She's a wonderful human being but she didn't raise herself or pick her genes. She wasn't raised to be a strong, independent woman. She was raised to be compliant. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Sticking up for herself or for her kids just wasn't one of her strengths. She's great in other ways. Your mom probably has very wonderful qualities but protection might just not be one of them. Doesn't mean she's selfish. We aren't all great at all things. You can't use what you don't have and if being a fighter or protector just isn't in her tool box, then she'll use whatever is in there. In her case, sounds like patience and tolerance were. Her motivation might not be about financial security. Maybe she never learned how to stick up for herself, maybe compliance is such a part of her that she can't even defend herself, her kid, or her grandchild. Like I said, you can't use tools you don't have.


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## Mussi

Dear Unbelievable, thank you for your input. 

It's true that she has endless patience, and I agree that you can't just be someone your're not. Given that she has no agression in her herself I understand it's hard to then come out all strong and protective. But she wasn't ever abused as a child, her father is a kind and warm hearted man who never hit them. In fact her dad, was the only father at her school to go to her school's principle and demand that the teachers never physically punish his children. Her mom, my grandmother is a strong woman as well, and neither of them beat their children. So it's not that she learnt this from home, of course it could just be genetic. My siblings and I on the other hand were beaten at home and were taught that this is apparently normal and acceptable behaviour, yet we could never stand by and watch someone beat a child, let alone a child that we love and care for. 

Even if she couldn't protect us, she could have not manipulated us into staying silent and kept us from seeking outside help. There is some definite codependent stuff going on there. 

She is indeed loving and warm, which is why it has been so hard for any of us children to accept the role she played in all of this. We do see it now, my sister and I talk about it from time to time, my brother would rather not bring back painful memories because it hurts him too much. My sister sees my mom's role in all of this too, but we're all too loyal to her (this was part of her manipulation as well) to actually come out and say anything to her. 

Don't get me wrong, I do love her, but I can't ignore that she kept us in that situation for far too long. She didn't even need to stand uo to him, she could have just fled with us, she had many places and people she could have turned to.


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## Blondilocks

From my own childhood experience, your mother may have been afraid that your father would turn his rage on her. Self-protection. She may feel ashamed of what she allowed but it's doubtful that she will admit that she would rather have protected herself than her children. Keeping everything quiet allows her to keep her pride.

Both of your parents are toxic. It would be wise to keep any future children away from them.

Ask your mom who she thinks will be picking out her nursing home.


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## aine

She became an abuse victim and that is how many of them act, underreport the abuse, hide or cover it, blame themselves, make excuses for the abuser, etc,
Sounds like your father still needs help and should get it and so should you and your mother, you are all in serious need of it.


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## arbitrator

*Your dad is extremely fortunate that he isn't already pushing up daisies! He might be getting up in years, but if he hasn't ever come to the fast realization that his selfish behavior patterns in running over kids is a problem, then there will be absolutely no one left that would provide him the servitude of peeing in his guts if he was literally on fire!

Sad to say that since he has made his bed, just let him lie in it!

Bottom line: There is never a viable excuse for mentally or physically abusing a child ~ or even a fellow human being! Not even mental illness!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego

I have no experience with this but I find your story heartbreaking. Kudos to you for moving past this as well as you have.

You don't owe anything to your mother. Sorry. Her job was to protect you. It's normal for you to feel anger and resentment.


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## marriage_student

does the nephew have a father?


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## brooklynAnn

She was weak and tried to protect herself. Better he beat up the kids than her. She has the victim mentality and plays her part well. Thats how dysfunction works, it has to be hidden and kept a secret.

For now, I would limit the amount of exposure the kids have with grandpa. If it was me, he would never get to see my kids. 

You are never going to get your mum to change. She is who she is. Trying to get her to see things differently means rewriting history. She will never allow that.

Its great that you were there to protect your nephew and keep him safe. Continue to keep an eye on him. Don't stop protecting him and letting your father know that his behavior will no longer be tolerated.


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## jld

I am really glad you stood up to your dad and protected your nephew. I think you need to be as honest and direct with both your parents as possible. No more hiding. It benefits no one.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry your dad frightened your nephew. And I am so sorry your mother let all of this go on. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

As children, it's usually impossible to protect ourselves from abusive parents. As adults, it's much easier just to keep ourselves and our children from them. Your mother tries to avoid facing the truth because she knows she failed her children. And she's going to fail her grandchildren too. That's her pattern and she won't ever admit it. 

One day your father will no longer be around but in the meantime he will continue his pattern of abuse. It's up to you and your siblings to protect the children in your family -- however that might be -- because your mother won't.


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## Mussi

Hi all, thank you so much for your messages. It's the first time I speak out about these realizations about my mom. I think it might be the first time I really truly admit this to myself and it's not easy, it makes me feel so alone thinking back on my childhood. 

I agree that we could all do well with some therapy, I am actually seeing a therapist, though for a current work related issue, but I have mentioned my abusive dad in therapy, though only spoken lovingly about my mom. I think my next session with the therapist will be about this. I don't have high hopes for getting my mom to admit her role in any of this. Her entire identity is built around being a good mother, and now a good grandmother, so I don't think her ego could tolerate accepting her role in her children being beaten. As soon as anything threathens her eo she falls back into playing the victim. 

I don't have kids, only a teenage stepdaughter who is amazing, but I know my sister and brother are also vigilant about my dad. As far as I can recall he didn't start beating us though until we were about the age of my oldest nephew (the 4 year old one I was talking about). My sister purposefully seeked out the most peaceful man on the planet, and put him through teh ringer to test his father potential for 12 years before she had kids with him. She's the one who is most traumatized out of all of us, or most aware of it maybe. Any trace of aggression and she would have left him in a heartbeat, so I am happy to say that the kid has a wonderful father. My brother luckily didn't inherit my dads aggression, and he married a wonderful strong woman too, so I think my nephews on both sides are safe, but I definitely would recommend my dad gets anger management if he is to continue to spend time with the kids.


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## sixty-eight

Blondilocks said:


> From my own childhood experience, your mother may have been afraid that your father would turn his rage on her. Self-protection. She may feel ashamed of what she allowed but it's doubtful that she will admit that she would rather have protected herself than her children. Keeping everything quiet allows her to keep her pride.
> 
> Both of your parents are toxic. It would be wise to keep any future children away from them.
> 
> Ask your mom who she thinks will be picking out her nursing home.


I agree with blondi. For some mothers, they turn into a momma bear. For others, that self preservation instinct is just too strong to leave themselves vulnerable.

Codependency is a hallmark of abusive relationships, but it's actually the abuser, not the victim(s). He has to keep her codependent, so that he has a target. There are many things that you might not have seen, going on behind the scenes. Not to bring up bad stuff, but many abusers carry that into all aspects of life, including the marital bed.

It's also highly possible that he told her that if she left, he would hunt you down and kill you all, or another, similar threat. Those words kept me tied to my abuser for a very long time, although i would have killed him before i let him hurt anyone else. Abusers get to know your limits and skate right up to them constantly. She may have thought by staying that she was protecting you from something worse. With control comes manipulation. Many abuse victims end up with PTSD after a while.

I got a lot of closure from Lundy Bancroft's book, Why does he do that?. He has several books, based on his experience in an abuser reform program.

I'm glad you helped your nephew. You sound like you have used your past to make you strong. You are very brave to have stood up to your former abuser. I don't know you, but that made me feel proud of you anyway


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## jld

I have not read the particular book 68 recommends, but I read part of another by Lundy Bancroft about helping children heal from the abuse they witnessed their mothers suffer from their fathers. Very good.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Dad-Hurts-Mom-Witnessing/dp/0425200310/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honda750

Mussi said:


> A few days ago I had to step in between my father and my 4 year old nephew. In a fit of rage and impatience, my dad had burst into the toilet where my nephew was trying to pee, and all I heard was that little 4 year old boy screaming and shrieking with fear. Instantly I was brought back to my childhood where my dad would almost every other day beat my sister, my brother or me whenever he needed to take out his frustration on some defenseless little child. So after yelling at him to stop and getting no reaction from him, I ran to the toilet, pulled him out, pushed him away from my nephew and closed the door behind me. My nephew flung his little arms around me sobbing and asking me to lock the door, I suppose so his grandfather couldn't come in. He just kept crying and saying"He was not kind, that was not kind" All the while my dad was yelling abuse at me from the other side of the door, saying the most hurtful childish things he could come up with.
> 
> When I told my mom, she tried to minimize the situation and to tell me I had overreacted. This for me was the real shock. Granted, my father had probably not layed a hand on my nephew, as I saw no physical marks on him, but he had come at him aggressively and scared the kid so much that he was screaming in fear.
> 
> This brought back memories for me of my mother just standing there crying, looking on as her husband beat her own kids and doing nothing to stop him. I now saw how easy it was to divert my dads aggression from a little child and onto myself, an adult, and I wonder, why didn't she ever do that? He hit her only once, when she was pregnant with me no less, and she couldn't stop retelling that story to my older sister whom my mom had made her confidante at 6, robbing my sister of whatever childhood she had left, but my siblings and I must have gotten beaten hundreds of times over things like spilled milk, or playing too loudly. Why did she never get in between him and us the way I did for my nephew?
> 
> I am left now, not so much angry at my dad, from whom I expected this to happen sooner or later once my nephew grew old enough for my dad to think him frustrating, but so incredibly angry and hurt about my mom. I did the one thing for my nephew I wish someone would have done for me. I stopped my dad. I let him know I would never ever accept that he hurt or scare my nephews, and what did my mom do? She told me I exaggerated. Even if I did, what might be the reason I did? I'm pretty sure I would have given most other people the benefit of the doubt, but having been on the receiving end of my fathers rage so many times I instinctivelty ran to protect my nephew from the same fate.
> 
> I got to see the mechanism so clearly now. All the times my mom stopped my sister and me, when phone in hand, we tried to dial the police as my dad was beating our little brother. Telling us the police wouldn't do anything. Discouraging us from getting help for fear of her secrets being made public, for fear of public humiliation. All the times she tried to put us up against him, painting herself the perfect mom and the perfect martyr, yet she also told us never to tell anyone about what was happening. She was scared, she didn't think she could make it on her own, she wanted the financial security he gave her though she lives in a welfare state that would have taken care of her and her kids and she has family she could have turned to. She was too ashamed to tell anyone, so it became a sickening secret that none of us shared with anyone outside the family. And it was my big sister in the end who stopped him beating us, not my mom.
> 
> Now she is playing the victim with me because I am mad at her for protecting my father once again, and for seeing through the sharade and not wanting any part of it any more. The victim, a role that suits her so well. But I still just can't understand why. She couldn't take one beating from him, what made her think her children could take hundreds? What made her have a third child with a man whom she knew was a terrible father to her first two children. I find her so selfish now, and I am so sad to see her in this light, but I can't ignore it anymore.
> 
> Do any of you have similar experiences, and how did you handle it?


So sorry to hear this as it reminds me of my own personal experience of an alcoholic parent that did the same ....... Whether you realize it or not , your whole family needs to get counseled and get it done soon ....... All of you are suffering at the hands of this malicious behavior pattern of your Father and it will affect you mentally for years to come ...... Praying for your situation that you will accept the advice of someone who has walked in these shoes ..............


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## Runs like Dog

A couple of hundred bucks can get his arm or leg broken. Beating on kids I think qualifies.


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## giddiot

I've been through this, my father beat me almost everyday and my mother actually encouraged it. I can remember her infamous words "just wait till your father gets home'. He would then would break belts on me. I never understood that she was as much of the problem as my father but through therapy I was brought out of my childhood fog about it all. Its funny you get stuck in the thoughts you had when you were a child. 

I don't know much about the reason my mother did this, it was certainly not out of fear of my father she ruled the roost. It screws you up for life. The irony for me now is that I have to take care of my father, my mother is deceased and he lives in a nursing home. Funny I was the only child he trusted, who knows why. I take care of him because I feel its my responsibility but I still hate the man.

I will say that my children were never abused and they both turned out as excellent parents and members of society. Most successful.


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## NextTimeAround

giddiot said:


> I've been through this, my father beat me almost everyday and my mother actually encouraged it. I can remember her infamous words "just wait till your father gets home'. He would then would break belts on me. I never understood that she was as much of the problem as my father but through therapy I was brought out of my childhood fog about it all. Its funny you get stuck in the thoughts you had when you were a child.
> 
> I don't know much about the reason my mother did this, it was certainly not out of fear of my father she ruled the roost. It screws you up for life. The irony for me now is that I have to take care of my father, my mother is deceased and he lives in a nursing home. Funny I was the only child he trusted, who knows why. * I take care of him because I feel its my responsibility but I still hate the man.
> *
> I will say that my children were never abused and they both turned out as excellent parents and members of society. Most successful.


You do have a choice. Give it some thought.


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## Mussi

Good to hear your story giddiot, and to hear that you managed to get out of the fog, I very much like that analogy. That's how it feel too, like a thick fog that has been partially lifted by this realization about my mom. 

I don't feel like my mom encouraged it though, I just think she was too scared and too selfish and weak to stop it. 

I'm glad to hear you raised your children well, you can be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. I'm 32 and don't hav kids yet. Not sure I will either, not becaus eI don't love kids, but because I don't want them unless I really feel I can do right by them. I wish more people took the time to reflect before they procreate. And the fact that you are taking care of your dad now. Knowing myself I will do that too out of a sense of responsibility, but indeed, you never stop hating him, it just lies there semi dormant under the surface until he does something or says something that brings it right back up to the surface. 

At runs like dog, thanks for the offer haha, but I'll pass. I'm not much for revenge, I just want to see the truth and to have some kind of peace with it without running from it.


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## giddiot

NextTimeAround said:


> You do have a choice. Give it some thought.


Yeah I know but the abuse made me a "caretaker" personality and I do it and then wonder why.


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## giddiot

Mussi said:


> Good to hear your story giddiot, and to hear that you managed to get out of the fog, I very much like that analogy. That's how it feel too, like a thick fog that has been partially lifted by this realization about my mom.
> 
> I don't feel like my mom encouraged it though, I just think she was too scared and too selfish and weak to stop it.
> 
> I'm glad to hear you raised your children well, you can be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. I'm 32 and don't hav kids yet. Not sure I will either, not becaus eI don't love kids, but because I don't want them unless I really feel I can do right by them. I wish more people took the time to reflect before they procreate. And the fact that you are taking care of your dad now. Knowing myself I will do that too out of a sense of responsibility, but indeed, you never stop hating him, it just lies there semi dormant under the surface until he does something or says something that brings it right back up to the surface.
> 
> At runs like dog, thanks for the offer haha, but I'll pass. I'm not much for revenge, I just want to see the truth and to have some kind of peace with it without running from it.


You know one other interesting event with my mother. I was always my mothers favorite or so I thought. She broke both her hips in her 80's and the last one caused her to pass. But after the first one she had to go to rehab, she was about 84 at the time. Rehab was at a nursing home for a month or so. She so hated being in that place that you would not believe some of the names that woman called me. In her mind I was her persecutor and was putting her away for good. She was viscous. She slugged a nurse in there, I mean almost laid her out. They tied her down after that one. It ruined my feelings for her after that, I didn't mourn her death and still do not feel anything after 10 years.


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## Mussi

Man, you had it worse than I did giddiot. I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from either of your parents, sounds like both of yours had quite some abusive traits. It's even worse when like meets like and they parent together. It's amazing that you didn't pass on the cycle with your own kids, I think you've done great. Indeed it's hard to break out of teh caregiver rold. I think it stems from a survival strategy. We think that as long as we're 'good' we'll earn our parents affection and we're relatively safe. I'm trying to break free of that mold, but it's not easy, I still try to be good in everything I do, and am very critical of myself when I don't do everything to a very high standard.


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## unsure78

Mussi,

I actually kind of have a similar situation to you, just less severe in nature. My father beat my two brothers and I semi-regularly for the same kinda things you mentioned above, being to loud,accidentally breaking something, disturbing him ect ect. I got the least of it actually since I was the best behaved out of us three and a girl, my brothers were more "wild" than I was. He would hit with the belt (often the big metal buckle end of a 70s style belt), or his hands or even saw him kick my brothers on the ground a few times. If you dared to run away you got it worse. My brothers still have the scars on their backs from the belt, and they are both in their 30s now. My mom never really did anything to stop it, I dont think she encouraged it though. I think my dad was just parenting how he knew, since his parents did that to him, my mom never had a father around so Im guessing she just went along with it. My dad never laid a hand on her that I can recall.

I know one time when I was in 4th or 5th grade at school we were talking as a class about punishments, and I was naive enough to bring up that we were hit by a belt when it was my turn. I soon realized my mistake when I was called into the principals office, and I minimized the situation. Then I had to tell my mom about it in case they contacted them. I remember her being very upset with me and told me never to tell anyone, so clearly she knew it was "wrong" to some degree. 

My brothers and I have brought up to my dad about the abuse as adults and he laughs it off and minimizes it saying it wasn't that bad.

While my father has not yet shown any physical aggression with any of the grandkids, I will not allow him to be alone with my son after he scared him one time by locking him in a bathroom by hold the door closed so my son couldn't get out because he was being to "wild". To me it showed that his 'tendencies", though mellowed through the years, are still there underneath the surface.

I have been in therapy, due to my codependent and caretaking tendencies because of how I was raised. I have chosen to raise my child in a no-violence environment. I dont have any answers for you on how to let go. I have mostly tried to accept the reality of the situation and just move forward by using my bad experiences from childhood to decide on better ways to parent my child.


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## Blondilocks

As a child, I recognized and accepted early on that my dad was not cut out to be a parent (translation = a$$hole) and that my mom was not doing her job as a mother. When they divorced we kids were doing cartwheels. Little did we know that our mother had picked up some fine pointers in discipline from him.

Parents who are called out on their behavior and then try to minimize it are trying to save face. Of course, they would say it wasn't that bad - they weren't on the receiving end of that belt. Their reward for their parenting style needs to be no contact. No need to put up with your abuser.


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## giddiot

A couple of events I survived in my life with my mother that were really bad. My mother got so mad at me one time that she jerked deer antlers off a decorative mount on the wall chased me down and swung them at me.  I put up my arm to block them and got hooked in my forearm. I still have the scar, it went into my forearm about an inch deep. 

Another time she threw one of those six pronged ice picks at me as I was trying to get away. I got it right in the back. I never said anything as a child but embarrassed the heck out of her as an adult every chance I got.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## imperfectworld

giddiot said:


> A couple of events I survived in my life with my mother that were really bad. My mother got so mad at me one time that she jerked deer antlers off a decorative mount on the wall chased me down and swung them at me. I put up my arm to block them and got hooked in my forearm. I still have the scar, it went into my forearm about an inch deep.
> 
> Another time she threw one of those six pronged ice picks at me as I was trying to get away. I got it right in the back. I never said anything as a child but embarrassed the heck out of her as an adult every chance I got.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Sorry to hear. I think abusive MOTHERS are much more rare but I also had one. My dad was a sweet man but in hindsight he should have stood up for his kids if not himself. The maelstrom of physical and especially emotional violence my mother laid out 24/7 for years really ruined my development. I cut her off 15 years ago but continue to learn how much she hurt me.


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## giddiot

imperfectworld said:


> Sorry to hear. I think abusive MOTHERS are much more rare but I also had one. My dad was a sweet man but in hindsight he should have stood up for his kids if not himself. The maelstrom of physical and especially emotional violence my mother laid out 24/7 for years really ruined my development. I cut her off 15 years ago but continue to learn how much she hurt me.



I will say those events happened in my teen years where I was about twice my mothers size and I was good at pushing her to the brink but it gives you an example of what my mother was capable of along with slugging the nurse in the hospital.

I lived with this stuff for most of my life and only in the last few years began to do something about it from encouragement of a good friend. Reading TAM woke me up. I think it is sad for me to have waited till so late in life to do so. Its a long journey to overcome.

The one thing that has held me back is I always think problems are my fault, like I am defective or useless. That is in your head from this childhood, it makes us codependent and caretakers trying to prove we are not this way. 

We are not defective, just trying to make lemonade out of lemons and should be proud of it. My friend told me that and probably doesn't know how much it helped me to hear that. We're our own harshest critics.


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## ExiledBayStater

Blondilocks said:


> Both of your parents are toxic. * It would be wise to keep any future children away from them.*


OP, if you don't listen to any other advice on the thread, take *this* to heart.


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## lifeistooshort

ExiledBayStater said:


> OP, if you don't listen to any other advice on the thread, take *this* to heart.


Absolutely. My mom's father sexually abused her so she knew what he was capable of and yet still left me and sisters alone with him because she was too weak to stand up to her family. 

To this day she'll cry if you say anything, it's a nice way to dodge the issue and make everything about her crying. She simply can't face this failure, and in her defense she's probably more damaged than us from abuse at the hands of her own father.

Fortunately he was long gone by the time my kids came along. Don't know if his tastes ran to little boys but there's no way he would've gotten near them.

The cycle has to end somewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebirdman

I'm not condoning your mother's response but there may be some underlying factors in her life that you don't know about. I always wondered why my mom said nothing when my dad was on one of his tirades towards one or all of the kids. I knew very little about her upbringing until I was an adult when she told me a few stories about her family life. The light came on; I thought, "OMG, I get it now. You thought that kind of behavior was normal." My parents both experienced fairly severe abuse at home. I don't think they could tell you that that's what had happened to either of them. 

I have, thankfully, put aside a lot of the resentment towards my parents. I understand now why they are the way they are but, I do not particularly care for either of them, specifically my father. He is not a nice man. 

You can't change him or your mom. You can, and should, tell them that their behavior is unacceptable. Minimizing exposure is sometimes necessary. I spend almost no time with my family for this reason.

Most importantly, break the cycle. I don't have any kids but I do the best I can to be kind and generous to everyone: treatement that I never received.


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## thebirdman

giddiot said:


> I've been through this, my father beat me almost everyday and my mother actually encouraged it. I can remember her infamous words "just wait till your father gets home'. He would then would break belts on me.


I shudder at the thought of that phrase. I heard it often enough. It always meant 30 minutes of hollering was coming followed by a heavy belt or 2x4 until you could barely stand.


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