# Wife says she needs space



## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Hello! My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Back in January, I told her that our oldest daughter (15) came to me stating that she can't wait to attend college to get away from my wife's attitude. To my surprise she instantly blamed me and said it was my fault she felt that way. We then got into a huge argument that led her to going to her mom's house. The next day she returned home, we apologized to each other and things seemed normal until 4 days later when I poured my heart out to her. After what I thought to be a positive conversation, she said that she can't do it anymore. I asked why and she says I'm emotionally and psychologically abusive, but can't give examples. She says I'm financially abusive because I won't let her spend us into bankruptcy. It is now almost 3 months later and she is still at her mother's while my 2 daughters and I are home. Today, she says she will always be there to support me through my mom's battle with cancer, but hasn't give any indication of how long she'll be away from home. All she says is that her mind isn't clear. I invited her to come for dinner one day this weekend, and to watch movies, spend time with our daughters as well as spend the night. She told me she'll think about it. However, yesterday she did come in to pick up our children, and gave me a hug. I kissed her and we talked a little. Please help...I want my wife back!!!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You need to do some things first, before you decide you want her back. You need to make sure that she is not involved in an affair. 

Check your cell phone bill. Make sure you don't see anything suspicious. 

Can you tell us how the marriage has been before all this? When did her attitude got bad? Do you remember when it changed. Can you kind of paint the picture a little clearer? 

But do the above first, you need to know what is going on...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

FamilyMan216 said:


> she says I'm emotionally and psychologically abusive, but can't give examples.
> She says I'm financially abusive because I won't let her spend us into bankruptcy.
> All she says is that her mind isn't clear


That's what I think, too. Affair. Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1. Blame your betrayed spouse for all the rewritten history of your marriage.

"financially abusive" ROFLMAO. Go see a lawyer, find out where you stand. You don't have to take any actions, just KNOW. Know where you'll be left in any scenario, stay, divorce, separate, cut her money off. Get as much of your funds into YOUR NAME ONLY while you still can.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Hello! My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Back in January, I told her that our oldest daughter (15) came to me stating that she can't wait to attend college to get away from my wife's attitude. To my surprise she instantly blamed me and said it was my fault she felt that way. We then got into a huge argument that led her to going to her mom's house. The next day she returned home, we apologized to each other and things seemed normal until 4 days later when I poured my heart out to her. After what I thought to be a positive conversation, she said that she can't do it anymore. I asked why and she says I'm emotionally and psychologically abusive, but can't give examples. She says I'm financially abusive because I won't let her spend us into bankruptcy. It is now almost 3 months later and she is still at her mother's while my 2 daughters and I are home. Today, she says she will always be there to support me through my mom's battle with cancer, but hasn't give any indication of how long she'll be away from home. All she says is that her mind isn't clear. I invited her to come for dinner one day this weekend, and to watch movies, spend time with our daughters as well as spend the night. She told me she'll think about it. However, yesterday she did come in to pick up our children, and gave me a hug. I kissed her and we talked a little. Please help...I want my wife back!!!


Sorry you are here - this may sound tough but think it through.

It sounds to me like you, and your family, are option B. She intends that if Option A doesn't work out you will be so emotionally emasculated that you will welcome her home on any terms she chooses to impose.

Know that, if you do acquiesce, there will be other Option As until one works long enough for you to be cast aside.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

I've checked the phone records and nothing stood out. The behavior shift has been within the last 4-6 months. The marriage has been good for the most part...just your typical couple arguments. Finances have been the majority of our disagreements. She wants to recklessly spend, but gets mad because I won't allow it.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

She has been putting her friends before her family for the past year or so


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Hmmm...

It sounds like she has been waiting for an excuse to leave. If money has been the main argument, maybe she did it because she wants to be financially free of you. It’s doubtful, but could be a possibility. 

An EA (emotional affair) or PA (Physical Affair) is more likely. Look closely at her social media. Has it changed? Did she used to post family and couple pics, and now mostly posts herself?

*Make a closer examination of her group of friends. A lot of answers may lie there. *


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Yeah, it all sounds like excuses. She came in the house to pick up my daughters today for the first time in weeks and gave me a hug and kiss


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Yeah, it all sounds like excuses. She came in the house to pick up my daughters today for the first time in weeks and gave me a hug and kiss


Dangling the carrot.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She has been putting her friends before her family for the past year or so


Was she close to her family - if so why has she relegated them - or are they aware of something which caused them to pull back?

What are her friends like? There's a human trait called homophily - put simply "birds of a feather flock together" Whether her friends are flirty/man-hunting or staid and chaste she is with them because she wants to be like them and will behave in such a way as to earn membership of the group..


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Spicy said:


> maybe she did it because she wants to be financially free of you.





FamilyMan216 said:


> It is now almost 3 months later and she is still at her mother's


So, she needs to learn how it's going to be when she has to earn her own living. Sounds like, to me, she is an entitled brat created by her mother, who cannot handle money responsibly, and you are forced to properly control the finances of your family without any help from her.

180. I mean, *180. *And, cut her off the dole. Your name ain't welfare department. Lawyer appointment, ASAP.


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## Neil_Brace (Apr 2, 2020)

i think that you're wife is still not committed for being your partner for life. because some takes years to think them and realize that they still do what they do when they are independent in there life and also they find different reason to escape of the obligation for you and for your kids.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

cp3o said:


> Was she close to her family - if so why has she relegated them - or are they aware of something which caused them to pull back?
> 
> What are her friends like? There's a human trait called homophily - put simply "birds of a feather flock together" Whether her friends are flirty/man-hunting or staid and chaste she is with them because she wants to be like them and will behave in such a way as to earn membership of the group..


When I say putting her friends before her family I mean my daughters and I. If our children ask her to do something it usually results in ”Im too tired” or ”I need to decompress” but if her friends ask, she'll be out the door with no hesitation. 

Also, she has become just like her mom, but she doesn't want to hear it and shuts down when I bring it to her attention. The way she acts currently is just how her mom acts. 

My wife is 34 and I'm her first and only serious relationship. Two of her friends are single and 1 is married but lives like she's single and has no children. The odd thing is, this change in behavior didn't start until this group of friends.

It's really frustrating because she uses excuses for things that happened over 10 years ago but are not true. She has not said she wants a divorce as of yet and has also started texting me good morning and goodnight every day. 

My wife definitely seeks the approval of her friends with outfits to career advice. My children and I are usually the last to find out about anything. She admits not liking to stay at her mom's, but yet she is too damn stubborn to come home. She mentions that she feels unsafe around me, which she has no reason to because I have never put my hands on her. Yet she comes into our home the last couple of days days to kiss and hug me while picking up our daughters.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She's playing games. She wants the single life of her friends while having you at home to hold down the fort, take care of the kids, and pay the bills. 

Also, cell phones are next to useless. You have to be, sorry, a freaking idiot to get caught via cell phone bill. Use wi-fi, one of myriad apps stored in hidden folders or deleted after use, and you have untraceable communication between affair partners. Hell, some people use in game chats because the game looks innocent and the chat log generally deletes after logout.That's not even going into shadow email accounts and social media or simply meeting in person, hooking up, and planning the next bang before parting ways.

Either your wife is having an affair (or multiple fling/ONS type affairS) or she's recapturing her youth with her friends who seem to influence how she thinks and behaves. Whatever is going on, I wouldn't tolerate it. It's already been weeks. Your lack of initiative is likely eroding what little respect she may have had for you. A woman's primary need is security. A man who is a door mat, even if he's being a door mat for her, isn't the kind of man who can make a us feel secure and certainly isn't a man to be respected, but rather used. You willingly putting up with her beyond the pale bad behavior is doing more harm than good.

I'm the type that plays hard. I'd straight up tell her she has 7 days to figure her **** out. 7 days to either seriously commit to being married and living like she's married_ sans her party gal friends_ or you'll file and she'll be single and free to do as she pleases, including spend herself into bankruptcy with her irresponsibility.

Worst case scenario, she leaves and you move on without her drama and ********. Best case scenario, you shock her into reality. Likely scenario, she comes back and plays nice while making few changes at all and you let that happen because you're pathetically happy to have her back and willing to accept lip service. Please let me be wrong and the likely scenario never happens.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Spicy said:


> Hmmm...
> 
> It sounds like she has been waiting for an excuse to leave. If money has been the main argument, maybe she did it because she wants to be financially free of you. It’s doubtful, but could be a possibility.
> 
> ...


I have no access to her social media. She did lose her grandmother 5 years ago and was diagnosed with depression by our marriage therapist but refused to take medication.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> She's playing games. She wants the single life of her friends while having you at home to hold down the fort, take care of the kids, and pay the bills.
> 
> Also, cell phones are next to useless. You have to be, sorry, a freaking idiot to get caught via cell phone bill. Use wi-fi, one of myriad apps stored in hidden folders or deleted after use, and you have untraceable communication between affair partners. Hell, some people use in game chats because the game looks innocent and the chat log generally deletes after logout.That's not even going into shadow email accounts and social media or simply meeting in person, hooking up, and planning the next bang before parting ways.
> 
> ...


Would it best to give a take it or leave it or just stop communication? I'm trying to salvage my marriage to prevent destroying our children


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Would it best to give a take it or leave it or just stop communication? I'm trying to salvage my marriage to prevent destroying our children


Divorce doesn't destroy children provided the parents behave like civilized humans. Seeing parents behave like your wife is behaving and getting away with it could very well have effects. My eldest kid once got into some serious trouble as a teenager. I asked her what the heck she thought would happen if she got caught. She said "I figured you or grandma would take care of it the same way you guys used to get Dad out of trouble." Even later in childhood/adolescence, children need to see actions have consequences.

I don't see much of a marriage to salvage. She's already gone, but the paperwork hasn't caught up with reality. I'd go no contact other than strictly about the shared children and only when required. I'd also have a chat with a lawyer about how to begin separation/divorce proceedings. Make sure you do this while she is out of the house voluntarily and you are in the house with the kids. Judges typically like to maintain status quo and that is the status you want to maintain.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Would it best to give a take it or leave it or just stop communication? I'm trying to salvage my marriage to prevent destroying our children


Listen, just like @MJJEAN said, more than likely she is having an affair, or just screwing a lot of guys, whatever. 

Here is the deal, you think you are noble by trying to "Salvage my marriage"... but you don't have a marriage to salvage. 

She is living the single life with her single friends while you baby sit... Get it. You are there for money and baby sitting services. 

In other words you are being a doormat stooge... 

You need to file for divorce. And you need to do it now. It may wake her up, but is probably won't but it keeps you from being a fool. 

Your kids are NOT BETTER OFF in this hell hole of a marriage. Your denial tells you that they are, but they are not. 

Children are better off with at least one happy, healthy parent, right now, neither you or your cheating with are that.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Two of her friends are single and 1 is married but lives like she's single and has no children. The odd thing is, this change in behavior didn't start until this group of friends.


It does sound like this might be the problem. 

You need to set a time limit on this nonsense.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> When I say putting her friends before her family I mean my daughters and I. If our children ask her to do something it usually results in ”Im too tired” or ”I need to decompress” but if her friends ask, she'll be out the door with no hesitation.
> 
> Also, she has become just like her mom, but she doesn't want to hear it and shuts down when I bring it to her attention. The way she acts currently is just how her mom acts.
> 
> My wife is 34 and I'm her first and only serious relationship. Two of her friends are single and 1 is married but lives like she's single and has no children. The odd thing is, this change in behavior didn't start until this group of friends.


 Nothing odd about it - she sought the company of those women because she wanted to join them in their lifestyle - she's gone - from you, your kids and your marriage.



> It's really frustrating because she uses excuses for things that happened over 10 years ago but are not true. She has not said she wants a divorce as of yet and has also started texting me good morning and goodnight every day.


 She's keeping you on a piece of elastic in case her new lifestyle doesn't pan out as she wants. If she comes home she will repeat the cycle until you stop it or she finds her "soulmate". Either way you don't have a marriage and your kids are effectively motherless



> My wife definitely seeks the approval of her friends with outfits to career advice. My children and I are usually the last to find out about anything. She admits not liking to stay at her mom's, but yet she is too damn stubborn to come home.


 She's not stubborn she tolerates her mom's because it is more than compensated for by the freedom to leave her mom's without you or the kids knowing what she's doing.



> She mentions that she feels unsafe around me, which she has no reason to because I have never put my hands on her.


 Rewriting history to justify her betrayal of you and the girls - standard cheat behaviour. 



> Yet she comes into our home the last couple of days days to kiss and hug me while picking up our daughters.


 Pinging the elastic.

She's gone - how can there be a way back? Can you get a friend she doesn't know or a PI to observe her nights out - do you think that she would be the only one to leave by herself? She is not, IMO, a healthy role model for daughters _ I really think that the best chance you have of giving them a decent start is to divorce, go for custody, and hope to meet a decent woman who will honour you and show your girls what a loving wife can be.

BUT FIRST - get a lawyer, be honest and detailed with them and then shut up and listen.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Hello! My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Back in January, I told her that our oldest daughter (15) came to me stating that she can't wait to attend college to get away from my wife's attitude. To my surprise she instantly blamed me and said it was my fault she felt that way. We then got into a huge argument that led her to going to her mom's house. The next day she returned home, we apologized to each other and things seemed normal until 4 days later when I poured my heart out to her. After what I thought to be a positive conversation, she said that she can't do it anymore. I asked why and she says I'm emotionally and psychologically abusive, but can't give examples. She says I'm financially abusive because I won't let her spend us into bankruptcy. It is now almost 3 months later and she is still at her mother's while my 2 daughters and I are home. Today, she says she will always be there to support me through my mom's battle with cancer, but hasn't give any indication of how long she'll be away from home. All she says is that her mind isn't clear. I invited her to come for dinner one day this weekend, and to watch movies, spend time with our daughters as well as spend the night. She told me she'll think about it. However, yesterday she did come in to pick up our children, and gave me a hug. I kissed her and we talked a little. Please help...I want my wife back!!!


"Wife, next time you leave for more than a day needing space, I'm considering it permanent. I'm changing the locks, hiring a lawyer, and will be suing for 100% custody based on you repeatedly abandoning you children and will be divorcing you for abandoning your marriage. However, if you do want to work on it, I'm happy to do so with a marriage counselor that we both pick."

Smile at her and just walk away.

My ex loved to make claims like that about me being abusive but could never provide examples. She'd just give me or others blank glazed stares as a response, and just walk away like the question never happened. It took me a long time to understand that she was the one being abusive, and she projected that abuse onto me.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I have no access to her social media. She did lose her grandmother 5 years ago and was diagnosed with depression by our marriage therapist but refused to take medication.


Guess what ?? Welcome to ADULT life. Loss of our elders is an expected result, they are much older than us. I have sympathy for someone who loses a close relative when they are 11. When they are an adult, I understand that they will grieve the loss. But, as to their responsibilities, I fully expect they will SUCK IT UP and get back to the things they SHOULD do, tout suite.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> My wife is 34 and I'm her first and only serious relationship. Two of her friends are single and 1 is married but lives like she's single and has no children. The odd thing is, this change in behavior didn't start until this group of friends.
> 
> It's really frustrating because she uses excuses for things that happened over 10 years ago but are not true. She has not said she wants a divorce as of yet and has also started texting me good morning and goodnight every day.


She was 19 when you married? Y'all had kid soon after. I think she is wondering what she might have missed in life. Doesn't mean she cheated or not--depends on her character/integrity.

Sounds to me like maybe she is wanting you to insist she come home. She may be bored with virus restrictions--bars and shopping closed, etc. Either that or she is making other serious plans--depend on how much she values marriage. In a way, y'all sort of raised each other into adulthood.

Times are tough now. Does or has she ever worked? Does she understand anything about budgeting? Does she have an allowance? I think your date night sounds perfect. You said y'all had had marriage counseling, but not much detail?

You said you want her home. Ask her to explain what she needs. Do not interrupt or argue whether or not you agree. Repeat back to her what she says. Then state what your boundaries are. Tell her what she means to you. Work together from there.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Yeah, it all sounds like excuses. She came in the house to pick up my daughters today for the first time in weeks and gave me a hug and kiss


Hoover you back in. You are the stable plan B. Don't play the game. Start living your life as if you two are divorced because that is where it is heading.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

She's a nurse. I have asked her to come home and my daughters have practically begged her to come home. A couple of weeks ago she said she's mentally done and fed up. We went to counseling months ago, but it was spent with her constantly talking over me, so we stopped going. I found another counselor last month, but she refused to go, so I have been attending alone. She did start individual counseling though. I'm thinking of just asking are you in or out


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She's a nurse. I have asked her to come home and my daughters have practically begged her to come home. A couple of weeks ago she said she's mentally done and fed up. We went to counseling months ago, but it was spent with her constantly talking over me, so we stopped going. I found another counselor last month, but she refused to go, so I have been attending alone. She did start individual counseling though. I'm thinking of just asking are you in or out


I guess that I will try one more time with you. Brother please listen. 

You are doing the pick me dance. It is humiliating for you, and it make you look weak in your wife's eyes. 

She is having and affair, regardless of the fact that you have not found anything on her phone. She could have a burner phone, she could be using an app that covers all of that stuff. She could be just communicating at work.

The medical field is rift with players that are banging nurses that are all to happy to take a chance on a Dr, or some other professional that makes good money and shows her attention. 

You are refusing to realize that the people here have been through what you are going through. Some version of it, and as you will find out your situation is like many others. Everyone thinks their situation is unique and special and most find out that they are not, all too common. 

So, like people have said, if you want to save your marriage you have to be prepared to lose it. 

That means you file for divorce. "Well that is crazy your say"--- Right. It is not. Filing for divorce shows your wife that you will no longer be a chump while she is out screwing another man and having the time of her life, while you are home watching the kids or whatever...

I know what we are saying sounds strange, and counter intuitive but it is not... 

Women, like strong men, it is a fact, not matter what they say. They do not, in fact they hate, weak men. Weak men would beg their wife to come home, get the kids to help, and put their head in the sand as to the fact that their wife is out banging whoever she is banging. 

So you have a choice, lose your wife for sure, but being weak. OR your can show her and the world that you have worth. That you do not deserve to be treated this way. That you are a strong man that will not allow his wife to make a fool of him and continue to take advantage of him.

If he comes back you can decide to take her back after a full confession and polygraph. 

If she does not come back, she was already gone and you are better off...

Can you see what most of us are saying. This is your path forward... Please wake up.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you are playing the role of a doormat in allowing her to dictate the narrative of this relationship, I get you want her back but in being the nice guy and begging you are a poor model for your daughters, I would file for divorce based on abandonment.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> I guess that I will try one more time with you. Brother please listen.
> 
> You are doing the pick me dance. It is humiliating for you, and it make you look weak in your wife's eyes.
> 
> ...


True


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I guess that I will try one more time with you. Brother please listen.
> 
> You are doing the pick me dance. It is humiliating for you, and it make you look weak in your wife's eyes.
> 
> ...


OP,

Please listen to this and similar. 

If you don't your mental, physical, and financial wellbeing will all, no exception, start to erode, then crater.

It's a fact. Ignore all this at your peril.

It's hard, but it will get easier and you and kids will be better for it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

BluesPower said:


> I guess that I will try one more time with you. Brother please listen.
> 
> You are doing the pick me dance. It is humiliating for you, and it make you look weak in your wife's eyes.
> 
> ...


The only thing I'd add to this would be to say that if you do this, and she decides she wants you back...

You probably won't want her, because you'll see her for who she is, and you'll see yourself for who you really are. Which is so much better than what she ever has to offer you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She got married very young and she wishes she had her 20’s back. It’s not odd at all that it started with this group of friends — it was totally predictable. They’re living the single life she wants.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> She got married very young and she wishes she had her 20’s back. It’s not odd at all that it started with this group of friends — it was totally predictable. They’re living the single life she wants.


Still not an excuse, especially when you have daughters. That's not a good role model or example


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Still not an excuse, especially when you have daughters. That's not a good role model or example


Really? your dependant on using her as the role model. If that was the case men would also stay and their would be no divorce.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> Really? your dependant on using her as the role model. If that was the case men would also stay and their would be no divorce.


That's not what I'm saying at all


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> . That's not a good role model or example


Please explain,


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> Please explain,


You implied that I was saying she is a good role model or example when I'm saying the opposite


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> You implied that I was saying she is a good role model or example when I'm saying the opposite


No I wanted your view on your post citing the role model.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> No I wanted your view on your post citing the role model.


Understood


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Still not an excuse, especially when you have daughters. That's not a good role model or example


Apparently she’s not as concerned about that as you are.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Apparently she’s not as concerned about that as you are.


Obviously, and I'm working on that


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Obviously, and I'm working on that


That is entirely up to her.

Hopefully, she’ll wake up but many don’t.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> That is entirely up to her.
> 
> Hopefully, she’ll wake up but many don’t.





Openminded said:


> That is entirely up to her.
> 
> Hopefully, she’ll wake up but many don’t.


Im going to give her an ultimatum to choose either her family or her friends/streets within the week


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s already made her choice. Her actions tell you that.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Okay, now she says that she will have dinner with me but she's not ready yet. I know it sounds like BS...just giving an update


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

She's playing with you. She knows you well.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I have no access to her social media. She did lose her grandmother 5 years ago and was diagnosed with depression by our marriage therapist but refused to take medication.


You need to find a good computer geek and access these accounts.
This will tell the story.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Okay, now she says that she will have dinner with me but she's not ready yet. I know it sounds like BS...just giving an update


Bow out of the dinner until you can get your ducks aligned.
She has abandoned your marriage and your family.
Lawyer up. With her out of the house, you can paint a picture that is favorable to you.
At a minimum, I would look into one of the on line sources that could do a social media search. Run that and see what you have.
I think in this case, hiring a PI on a limited basis could be of some benefit. A tail on one of her GNO's, some exploration into her "Friends," an objective look into the workplace could provide some great leverage to you down the line.
I hate to say it, but you are the security net. She either has someone lined up, or is working in that direction.
You need to blow up her world and gain the power. Shock and awe her. Show her the definition of indifference, with a side order of cold and cruel.
Get pissed. Your children deserve better. You do too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Okay, now she says that she will have dinner with me but she's not ready yet. I know it sounds like BS...just giving an update


Stalling for time.
My ex did it for 3-6 months and tried to play it out for longer.
It only stopped when I forced the issue and stopped paying her bills for her.
Listen man, she has everything the way she wants it. She has her party time, she has you doing everything grown up for her, and she has you as a temporary fallback if she ever wants it. She has every motivation to have that continue for as long as possible.
You twisting in the wind means nothing to her. She's not coming back.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Gabs said:


> Hi,
> I am.also married for 15 years.....i ve also experienced lots of problems feeling lost sometimes...The hardest thing is because, when you reach this point, you don t know from where to start and what to do first in order to get all back on track....
> I can say i am happy that i am still with my wife, still trying to fo things right.....I was lucky because i ve found some great advice and follow some steps.....unfortunatlly i can t send you here the way i followed trying to save my marriage...but if you think could be helpful for you, mess me....and good luck!


So if your advice is so good why not share on the public forum? Is it that you rugswept it? But being together because of rugsweeping comes at a cost and not everyone is meant to be feed crap by the spoonful.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Gabs said:


> There is not an universal rule to be applied in few steps for everybody with the results we want as a finish.
> I cannot share it here because it is about reading some books and some quidance i ve received from somebody i cannot speak about on here due to this site rules.


So your trying to sell something here and because of forum rules you can not. Am I getting this right?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sure we do it here all the time. So why then do you not share?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Gabs said:


> lf ll put a link to recomand a book or my terapyst will be taken like spam, not as a recomandation.....and maybe not all from here are interested of my recomandation and what i ve followed....


So we out up links to books but if your recommendations to something other then yes it's spamming and being this way helps no one. I'm not accusing you of this but maybe just do the book. And if it leads other to investigate further they will.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Gabs said:


> Aham...then...i have folllowed Amy s advice and books.....was helpful for me
> 
> 
> https://bit.ly/2UJCefo


So your encouraging, people to basically rugsweep, let the partner get off freely. And offer up this as a solution?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Rugsweeping solves nothing zip, nada, zero may go to SI. They cater to Cheaters.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You need to start a thread on this belief. And stop thread jacking this one. Thxs


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Okay, now she says that she will have dinner with me but she's not ready yet. I know it sounds like BS...just giving an update


Sorry about the thread jack Family man.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

My wife grabbed my 15 year old daughter by the wrist and pushed her against a wall because she's mad they don't agree with her leaving home. She is emotionally damaging both of my daughters and refuses to take accountability. Then had the audacity to call and say she'd do it again if she's disrespectful. My children are upset about the situation. Yes, my daughter shouldn't yell at her mom but that doesn't warrant physical abuse. You guys were right...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Sorry about the thread jack Family man.


It appears that mods moved the plight of the other poster to his own thread thanks mods.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> My wife grabbed my 15 year old daughter by the wrist and pushed her against a wall because she's mad they don't agree with her leaving home. She is emotionally damaging both of my daughters and refuses to take accountability. Then had the audacity to call and say she'd do it again if she's disrespectful. My children are upset about the situation. Yes, my daughter shouldn't yell at her mom but that doesn't warrant physical abuse. You guys were right...


Sorry too bad you didn't have a VAR, around when your X shows up, it would be legal proof when you Divorce, get one and record her interaction with the family. If you really want to protect your kids. Get this done!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> My wife grabbed my 15 year old daughter by the wrist and pushed her against a wall because she's mad they don't agree with her leaving home. She is emotionally damaging both of my daughters and refuses to take accountability. Then had the audacity to call and say she'd do it again if she's disrespectful. My children are upset about the situation. Yes, my daughter shouldn't yell at her mom but that doesn't warrant physical abuse. You guys were right...


video it next time and call child services ....end that crap right now you are their father.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

It is my opinion, your wife has an interest elsewhere. I would hire a P.I. I believe the cost will be well worth it.

Best


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> My wife grabbed my 15 year old daughter by the wrist and pushed her against a wall because she's mad they don't agree with her leaving home. She is emotionally damaging both of my daughters and refuses to take accountability. Then had the audacity to call and say she'd do it again if she's disrespectful. My children are upset about the situation. Yes, my daughter shouldn't yell at her mom but that doesn't warrant physical abuse. You guys were right...


Hope you had the PD out for documentation.
This will help put you in the driver's seat.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> She's playing games. She wants the single life of her friends while having you at home to hold down the fort, take care of the kids, and pay the bills.
> 
> Also, cell phones are next to useless. You have to be, sorry, a freaking idiot to get caught via cell phone bill. Use wi-fi, one of myriad apps stored in hidden folders or deleted after use, and you have untraceable communication between affair partners. Hell, some people use in game chats because the game looks innocent and the chat log generally deletes after logout.That's not even going into shadow email accounts and social media or simply meeting in person, hooking up, and planning the next bang before parting ways.
> 
> ...


I understand this is only pot 17 of 60 that I have read this far, but it bears repeating...to the letter.

Soak in in, OP.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FamilyMan216 said:


> My wife grabbed my 15 year old daughter by the wrist and pushed her against a wall because she's mad they don't agree with her leaving home. She is emotionally damaging both of my daughters and refuses to take accountability. Then had the audacity to call and say she'd do it again if she's disrespectful. My children are upset about the situation. Yes, my daughter shouldn't yell at her mom but that doesn't warrant physical abuse. You guys were right...


If you are done...and you should be...then be done.

Loving someone also means loving them enough to allow them to fail when they choose a destructive path.

Your role is to shield your daughter's from the abuse as well as providing them a stable role model. 

You have a tough road ahead.

Let her go.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Hope you had the PD out for documentation.
> This will help put you in the driver's seat.


Yes, I wish I did. They were at my wife's mom’s house when it occurred, so I didn't witness it, but my wife admitted it to me on the phone and said she would do it again.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

dreamer2017 said:


> It is my opinion, your wife has an interest elsewhere. I would hire a P.I. I believe the cost will be well worth it.
> 
> Best


No need because I'm done


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> If you are done...and you should be...then be done.
> 
> Loving someone also means loving them enough to allow them to fail when they choose a destructive path.
> 
> ...


I'm done. I told her to deposit bill money into an account and I want no other interactions with her anymore


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

About time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I've checked the phone records and nothing stood out. The behavior shift has been within the last 4-6 months. The marriage has been good for the most part...just your typical couple arguments. Finances have been the majority of our disagreements. She wants to recklessly spend, but gets mad because I won't allow it.


Could you describe how finances are handled in your marriage?

Do you have control over the money? How do you prevent her from spending money?

How old are your children?

Are all of your checking, savings and investments in your name only? Or is she equally on all the accounts?

What percentage of the joint income does she earn?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Could you describe how finances are handled in your marriage?
> 
> Do you have control over the money? How do you prevent her from spending money?
> 
> ...


Our income is almost equal. We would pay bills and split the leftover 50/50 for personal spending. She is a compulsive spender so I created a budget, but she labeled me financially abusive for it. She has access to all bank accounts even though she claims she never had access. My daughters are 15 and 13


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

FM216, you better lock down those accounts -- get your 50% to where she cannot access them, esp after you've said she is a compulsive spender!


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> FM216, you better lock down those accounts -- get your 50% to where she cannot access them, esp after you've said she is a compulsive spender!


Accounts are already separated. Lawyer told me yesterday that I should've contacted him sooner to prevent her from stopping her direct deposit.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@FamilyMan216, how goes the divorce proceedings? I am guessing that your wife is still at her mothers?
Great that YOU have the kids -- I hope you are using the time to improve your relationship with them and get yourself together!


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Things still suck! She has moved into her own home and my daughter's are still with me. I'm a work in progress. I lost my mom last month to cancer and she was there to help a few days during April because she's a nurse, but didn't sit with me and my daughter’s during the memorial service. She hasn't really had much to say since


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

VERY sorry about your Mom, I know how hard that is. Stick to your plan, stay close to your kids, and detach from your STBXW. You (and your d's) will be much better off.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Behavior change in past 2-4 months and now “needs space”....
Classic example of a cheater. The only space she needs is out of sight long enough to bang her other man.
Blaming spouse for relationship issues and rewriting marriage history.... pretty classic. 

divorce her and don’t look back.
No need to even look for evidence.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Behavior change in past 2-4 months and now “needs space”....
> Classic example of a cheater. The only space she needs is out of sight long enough to bang her other man.
> Blaming spouse for relationship issues and rewriting marriage history.... pretty classic.
> 
> ...


Too much like a script, but they wonder why a man's suspicions are alerted


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you said your oldest is 15 and your wife is 34, so she had her at 19.

How old are you?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, you said your oldest is 15 and your wife is 34, so she had her at 19.
> 
> How old are you?


42


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> 42


How old was she when you got together?

Apologies if you've addressed this and I missed it.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> How old was she when you got together?
> 
> Apologies if you've addressed this and I missed it.


18


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> How old was she when you got together?
> 
> Apologies if you've addressed this and I missed it.


At the time she was more mature than age


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@FamilyMan216, this is definitely tough on you but for a woman to up and leave especially her kids means she is either going mentally imbalanced or there is someone on the side. Mothers do not abandon their children. You need to go scorched earth on her ass, divorce her immediately and move on. She has dangled you for far too long, given you no explanations. Why would you take this unless a) you are an indecisive man too weak to call shots or (b) there is some truth in her complaints? Take action, so your kids can see what a man who has self respect does.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

aine said:


> @FamilyMan216, this is definitely tough on you but for a woman to up and leave especially her kids means she is either going mentally imbalanced or there is someone on the side. Mothers do not abandon their children. You need to go scorched earth on her ass, divorce her immediately and move on. She has dangled you for far too long, given you no explanations. Why would you take this unless a) you are an indecisive man too weak to call shots or (b) there is some truth in her complaints? Take action, so your kids can see what a man who has self respect does.


I 100% am leaning towards mental instability. She is a certified gaslighter. My daughte’s have seen her twice in the last month and whenever they ask her questions she snaps at them and says that she owes them no explanation, other than she left because of me. Did I get angry...of course I did, especially when she spends more quality time with her friends than her family. She is just the type of person that doesn't want to be told anything. I'm beyond chasing her at this point. I know she is just using me as an excuse


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> At the time she was more mature than age


Yeah, I'm going to say she probably wasn't....it's more likely something you told yourself to justify seeing an 18 year old at 26. The difference between 18 and 26 is huge....you change a lot during those years.

Few people are ready to settle down at 18. Why didn't you get married at 18? Probably because you were 18 and having fun, something your wife never had. It was a bad decision on your part to pursue someone barely out of high school. I'm going to guess that you had relationships before her.

Add to that your comments about what you won't "let" her spend even though she makes half of the money and that tells me you have a parent child relationship. This is what often happens with big age differences, and is terrible for a relationship.

8 years is nothing once everyone is older, but at that age it's huge. Why should you be "letting" her do anything? You should be a team that makes decisions together, and you might he if you'd pursued someone that was actually ready to settle down.

It's unfortunately not unusual for someone who settles down very young to wake up in their 30's and want to reclaim some youth and find out what they missed. This seems to be what you're dealing with now.

Your only real option here is to file for divorce....I don't think you're getting her back. Whatever you do though please stay out of her relationship with your kids...that is for them to work out as she is still their mother. Resist the urge to try to get to her under the guise of her spending time with the kids....that is not your job. It's hers.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, I'm going to say she probably wasn't....it's more likely something you told yourself to justify seeing an 18 year old at 26. The difference between 18 and 26 is huge....you change a lot during those years.
> 
> Few people are ready to settle down at 18. Why didn't you get married at 18? Probably because you were 18 and having fun, something your wife never had. It was a bad decision on your part to pursue someone barely out of high school. I'm going to guess that you had relationships before her.
> 
> ...


Who said I pursued? We are both each others first serious relationship. However, you are entitled to your opinion. I always treated her as equal and never looked down on her because our age difference. It is more than likely that's what she's hearing from her friends who don't really know me. 

Just because someone is a certain age doesn't mean they are treated more like a child than an equal partner, at least not in my case. 

The fact is many people get married young and survive. Getting married young is an excuse people use when things go wrong, because I know many immature people in their 30’s and 40’s now.

As far as reclaiming some youth. There is nothing wrong with going out and having a good time, but there is a respectful way to do so. I guess if you knew us personally and our situation in more detail, which is hard to write 15 years of history, you probably wouldn't focus just on age as the issue. I do appreciate your feedback though. BTW just giving birth doesn't make you a mother.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, I'm going to say she probably wasn't....it's more likely something you told yourself to justify seeing an 18 year old at 26. The difference between 18 and 26 is huge....you change a lot during those years.
> 
> Few people are ready to settle down at 18. Why didn't you get married at 18? Probably because you were 18 and having fun, something your wife never had. It was a bad decision on your part to pursue someone barely out of high school. I'm going to guess that you had relationships before her.
> 
> ...


As far as your interpretation of ”let her spend” I meant not allowing her to spend us into bankruptcy. We split what was left over after bills equally. What you don't know is there was a stretch of years that she was spending our bill money after she blew through her personal money, and had nothing to show for it. I am good with finances and numbers, so that's why I handle that side. 

I offered to and tried to show her many times how to budget. I am also the one that built great credit for both of us and tried to show her how to manage it. I only tried to provide my family with security and stability, not control my wife.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I 100% am leaning towards mental instability. She is a certified gaslighter. My daughte’s have seen her twice in the last month and whenever they ask her questions she snaps at them and says that she owes them no explanation, other than she left because of me. Did I get angry...of course I did, especially when she spends more quality time with her friends than her family. She is just the type of person that doesn't want to be told anything. I'm beyond chasing her at this point. I know she is just using me as an excuse


No kids, but my ex wife did the exact same thing with her family and her close friends. A number of them both actually had to call me up to get answers - of which I had none to give.

There’s someone else, I suspect. That was what my ex was really hiding. She didn’t want her “nice married girl” image ruined by having a fling.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Marduk said:


> No kids, but my ex wife did the exact same thing with her family and her close friends. A number of them both actually had to call me up to get answers - of which I had none to give.
> 
> There’s someone else, I suspect. That was what my ex was really hiding. She didn’t want her “nice married girl” image ruined by having a fling.


It definitely seems like there is someone else because that's the only thing that would make sense. Especially, with the fact it seems she just waited around for an excuse to make a move. The rewritten history of things from years ago is head scratching to say the least. I truly believe guilt is eating at her, but she refuses to admit she made a mistake


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FamilyMan216 said:


> It definitely seems like there is someone else because that's the only thing that would make sense. Especially, with the fact it seems she just waited around for an excuse to make a move. The rewritten history of things from years ago is head scratching to say the least. I truly believe guilt is eating at her, but she refuses to admit she made a mistake


Meh. My ex only was willing to discuss things when I had cut her off, signed the papers after a year, and refused to pay for her lawyer to divorce me. I refused, of course.

To this day she refuses to talk about why she walked away from the marriage from what I hear. I firmly believe she will go to her grave refusing to discuss it, admit anything, or even grudgingly admit she played a role in why our marriage ended. Hell, I heard for a while about 5 years later that she was telling people she was never married at all.

Some people confront their reality. Others hide from it. It is what it is. Your best path from this point forward is simply to live well.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marduk said:


> Some people confront their reality. Others hide from it. It is what it is. Your best path from this point forward is simply to live well.


I like this and completely agree.....it's something I've come to terms with for my ex. Our basic values were different in that I own my decisions and reasons for them, but he is first and foremost interested in image management. He lies and plays dumb so much that I sometimes think he believes his crap. He will likely go to his grave hiding his involvement with his ex gf during our marriage and claiming that I just impossible to please and I was the meanie who wanted the divorce. That's how phony, passive aggressive people roll.

Once you realize that it's all about image then everything makes sense.


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