# Newly married but very confused/conflicted on what to do



## timmarteen (5 mo ago)

Hello,

I'm 37 M and my wife is 30 F. We have been married for 4 months. I met her while I was travelling in Eastern Europe. When we first started dating, things looked really promising so I told her that I have never been married, no kids, all my background etc (100% truth). She said the same. never married, no kids etc. Few days later she told me that she was indeed married for a year but she was young (25) and stupid and she got a divorce right after she realized that it wasn't working.(Hindsight - Now the story seems kind of suspect).

Fast forward 11 months we got married, She got pregnant a few weeks ago and then she dropped a bombshell. It seems, She got a pregnant when she was 14 and that the "father's family" took the kid away and she hasn't seen the kid ever since. Ofcourse I was shocked and when I asked her for more details.. She cried, made me feel guilty for "hurting her" by making her "go thru this again" , She should never have told me this etc etc. She pretty much acted like she did a me huge favor by telling me the truth. Honestly I think she only told me because I'll find out about it in the hospital.

As of today, I know nothing about the situation..she's putting off explaining the rest of the story for weeks now, the last time I asked her she said "I'm not comfortable taking you about it yet" maybe in the future (WTF!?)

She is a bit of a hypocrite and told me a few lies during our time together. I let most of it go, when I do confront her, I'm somehow to blame for her lies.

But this secret child is too much for me to handle. If she made an effort to explain things, I might understand but I don't know whatelse she is hiding.

I feel completely different about her now than I did a few months ago. I come from a very conservative background. So I can't dicuss my issues with my family and I'm kind of embarrassed to talk to any of my close frirends.

I don't know if I can ever trust her again. Not sure what to do!

EDIT: Although I'm an American citizen but I don't currently live in the US and I'm not planning to return anytime soon so my wife knows that I'm not going to do her Greencard any time soon.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Did you marry someone you haven’t known more than a year? From a communist/ oppressed country? I’m guessing she wanted in the US and fed you a story.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

You know you can’t ever trust her. You know what to do. If you’re still confused, read your post like it was written by a friend, then follow the advice you would give.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She wanted an escape route and you gave her one.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

timmarteen said:


> Not sure what to do!


It would be obvious, if there wasn't a pregnancy in the picture. 

She comes from a background where concealing the truth is what you do. And, for women, using tears and guilting. You know this now. The question is if you can live with that kind of person. 

Let me say that in marriage counseling, such a person is always thinking _"what do I need to say?"_ rather than _"what's really true?"_ It's a difficult thing to work with. It's like dealing with someone who's really an actor playing a role. 

And the danger then is that _you_ get lured into acting like a prosecuting attorney. Cross-questioning. 


> she's putting off explaining the rest of the story for weeks now, the last time I asked her she said "I'm not comfortable taking you about it yet"


Yeah. So you need to back off a bit on asking about the previous baby. Don't push her into a corner (unless you've definitely decided you want out). Better questions would be about how she's feeling about being a mother. But even that will require gentle steps. 

The damage done to people by oppressive regimes cannot be underestimated.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

A woman that is lying about havin kids is not a good woman. Trust me. A woman who keeps a baby secret is not a good character.
Probably you were just her green card. She is a lier and most likely is going to cheat on you soon or later.
Maybe she was a prostitute. Also that the fathers family took the child away from the mother maybe an indication she had a reputation. And her not disclosing to you the circumstances make it more likely. Otherwise, why would she hide it from you?

And comon' getting pregnant when you are 13-14? Wow...
Jesus, you got yourself a big fish. Now she is pregnant with your child, deal is sealed. You have to decide if you want to stay married to her.
Good luck to you and the child with such a prescious mother.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I’m torn on advice. Getting pregnant at 14 had to be very, very traumatic. She was most likely raped. So I understand her not wanting to revisit that. Imagine the painful memories that brings back. But how she handles not wanting to discuss it is a completely different story. Blaming you is unacceptable. You are her husband. 

I could even overlook her not telling you about the previous marriage, if that was the only thing she hid from you. Again,you don’t know what happened there. Different country, different morals and treatment of women.

But when you take both of those things, coupled with her recent lies, I see big red flags. I’m not a fan of divorce, but would suggest it…except….you have a baby on the way. That changes everything.

Have you thought about marriage counseling?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Eastern European female...uh, let me see 🤔 she's madly in love with, she married you immediately, she's having YOUR kid???? right away. She's never been married, but she was, she never had kids, but she did, she won't tell anything.

listen dude, either you're a Gomer Pyle of some sort, or you just completely lack knowledge and experience in dealing with the other sex.

First thing you need to understand is that YES, she used you. Take this to the bank...she doesn't even loves you. You're just a mean to an end to get her out her situation in that Eastern European Country.

First thing that you MUST DO is to DNA that coming kid to ensure that is actually yours.

Next, ensure that you're protected economically, 'couse, you can be taking to the cleaners.
I guess that the next move will be to use you to bring that other kid to the US. It's coming. Later it could thst there's a cousin that she wants to help bring over, and when you do, after a short time that cousin and her will be living together and you sucking your thumb.

It happens to a lot dudes that bring a new wife from economically depressed countries, a new wife that they barely know, or know nothing about them.

Let's hope you're not one of them, but be prepared. Live and learn. And what's this crap about you bring ashamed to seek counseling with members of your family. Dude, I can see thst you have problems. The feeling ashamed, and keeping it all under covers, means that you lack courage, self respect, and need to start acting like a man, rather than a scare mouse hiding. Get a grip of your situation with this woman, and what is coming. Seek help dude, you need it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

timmarteen said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'm 37 M and my wife is 30 F. We have been married for 4 months. I met her while I was travelling in Eastern Europe. When we first started dating, things looked really promising so I told her that I have never been married, no kids, all my background etc (100% truth). She said the same. never married, no kids etc. Few days later she told me that she was indeed married for a year but she was young (25) and stupid and she got a divorce right after she realized that it wasn't working.(Hindsight - Now the story seems kind of suspect).
> 
> ...


I am skeptical as opposed to compassionate for the wife's situation.

Adults can choose who they want to be and how they interact with the world. She might have been oppressed or damaged in many ways, I don't know. But she has been with you for a over year? And still doesn't trust you with the truth? I'm not buying it.

So based on that, I would say that this is only going to get worse. More lies are waiting for you OP. And the truth of why she is here is also now sinking in.

You can try to fix things with marriage counseling (if she actually loves you...a big "if"), but trust is a hard thing to recover. It could take years, and that's after a potentially long counseling period. Are you ready for that? Do you want to fight for your marriage or let it go?


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> It would be obvious, if there wasn't a pregnancy in the picture.
> 
> She comes from a background where concealing the truth is what you do. And, for women, using tears and guilting. You know this now. The question is if you can live with that kind of person.
> ...


Spot on; they learn how to survive in a cruel situation, where truth is more "_What can I convince others is true_?" and not "_here's what happened and why._" Or at least that's what it seemed like to me.

It's absolutely exhausting if you're looking to build a stable home life with such a person. There's going to be constant chaos and drama, and likely a lot of sneaking around and hiding things behind the other's back... money, infidelity, long term plans, etc. And she is going to assume the worst about you and your family in every case, whether it's true or not. So in her mind - to her way of thinking based on her experiences in life - it might as well be... men lie, people are cruel, and you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyone honest and forthright is just a sap waiting to be taken advantage of. 

I went through a situation that was similar in some ways... My ex-wife was younger, and also Eastern European, except she came here for grad school & we met after she had graduated and was struggling to stay and start her career. A friend's wife introduced us and spoke well of her. Because we work in the same profession, and I had some early career struggles as well, I sympathized with her situation and didn't recognize some of the poor & reckless decisions she had made. But I digress...

Note: I disagree with the others that the regime they live under and the political system is to blame. It's all about their individual home life, and upbringing; that plays a major role.

Americans that grow up in homes where domestic violence, alcoholism, and infidelity are present have the same issues as those from Russia, Ukraine, Romania, etc. Don't "other" entire groups of people unfairly.

I've met Eastern Europeans - even those who survived the chaos between the fall of Communism the rise of some what more stable (but deeply corrupt) capitalism... and they are honest, hardworking people. Alcoholism and domestic abuse are/were definitely more prevalent there, but not uniform among everyone.


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## timmarteen (5 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Did you marry someone you haven’t known more than a year? From a communist/ oppressed country? I’m guessing she wanted in the US and fed you a story.


I explained in my "Edit".


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## timmarteen (5 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> It would be obvious, if there wasn't a pregnancy in the picture.
> 
> She comes from a background where concealing the truth is what you do. And, for women, using tears and guilting. You know this now. The question is if you can live with that kind of person.
> 
> ...


I/We decided that now is not a good time for a kid so there is that.


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## timmarteen (5 mo ago)

So there in no good solutions to my problem which involves saving my marriage?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

As you evolve in your marriage, hopefully she will open up to your questions. Not everyone here thinks you are in a sham marriage. Probably some type of trauma in her past. You could try some MC


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

timmarteen said:


> So there in no good solutions to my problem which involves saving my marriage?


It all depends. 
1. Motives why she married you.
2. Was the marriage a matter of convenience and of better prospects to her?
3. How much of a SIMP are you willing to be to her?
4. Finding out why of her refusal to let you in. If she refuses to let you in, then prepare yourself to live a life of being there for her but never knowing why and what for.

Marriage takes two, not one. If you're the only one fighting for the relationship, then I'm afraid that you have nothing to try to solve the problems in the marriage.

If she's for real and all of her lies, and behavior are due to some earlier trauma, them marital counseling with a expert in trauma could be a great help and a medium for her to open up. 

You must be strong and demand therapy and counseling, if she refuses, then, you have your answer and it will behooves you to strongly consider divorce and most importantly, seek to stablish paternity. Dude, after all the lies and mysteries, you MUST get DNA testing to ensure that at least you're the actual father of this coming child. Do not hesitate on this. Do not make excuses, and get paralyzed in fear about doing this. This will give you piece of mind for the rest of your life.

Men that get involved in this type of situations should always seek assurance that at least that child is theirs, if nothing else.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

timmarteen said:


> So there in no good solutions to my problem which involves saving my marriage?


How do you think you can save a marriage built on 2 BIG lies that you have already uncovered? At this point you have to be suspicious of everything that comes out of this woman's mouth. If she tells you that Christmas in on December 25, you need to look it up because she cannot be trusted. 

If there was ever any hope of saving things, she would have to be a good person, open to communication who wanted to work to resolve things. She is none of those things as evidenced by her refusal to talk about her child. That kid is about 16 at this point. What is their level of involvement? If none, you need to figure out why. If she gave the baby up for adoption that would be one thing but to just not care, is this really the person you want teaching values & ethics to your child?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you got played and there’s rarely a good solution to that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m an American working all over Europe for over 10 years now. If I haven’t seen 100 suckers just like you I haven’t seen one. They ALWAYS get pregnant immediately.

Let me guess…. She was really hot.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It’s an old profession. Now she’s in the US, her family is probably already packing. Brace yourself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s an old profession. Now she’s in the US, her family is probably already packing. Brace yourself.


Not anytime soon. He lives in Europe, and has not intentions of coming anytime soon to the US.

Nonetheless, yes he got played.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s an old profession. Now she’s in the US, her family is probably already packing. Brace yourself.


Yep, yep and yep. My parents, siblings, etc just need to stay a few days until they get on their feet honey
Can I have your checkbook? We’ll need some groceries and stuff. They’ll be famished.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

timmarteen said:


> So there in no good solutions to my problem which involves saving my marriage?


You jumped in quick. Now you get to pay for it. Sorry. 
Like others her relatives will probably be along soon. Nice guys get waked on.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

timmarteen said:


> So there in no good solutions to my problem which involves saving my marriage?


I'm not sure what you mean. There is no changing who you married; and she is not going to change. There's nothing you can do about her, she is what she is. 

All you can do is change how you react to her, and accept her for who she is, if you want to.

If she's 30, that means she grew up in the 90's - 00's in a tulmultuous time and place. She's told you a few things (such as getting pregnant at 14, and having the baby taken from her) that indicate she may have had a pretty traumatic childhood. So do yourself a favor and read up on what that does to a person. It is likely she's permanently scarred from her experiences, and therefore not really an equal partner in marriage. You've already seen some signs of that in her dishonest behavior toward you & her attitude toward being open and honest with her partner. You're going to be caretaking her for the rest of her life.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

In some parts of Eastern Europe this is very common and normal. 

The female will have to leave the child with the father if she divorces. This is done to protect the child from future abuse of the mothers new partner, and to keep the child with his blood relatives, rather than an extended new family when mother remarries. So the child is raised with the father and his extended family, and the mother will go back to her parents until remarried.

Multiple marriages very common too. 

So for a man in that culture, he wouldn’t see this situation as a problem. As I mentioned, very normal over there.


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## timmarteen (5 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> In some parts of Eastern Europe this is very common and normal.
> 
> The female will have to leave the child with the father if she divorces. This is done to protect the child from future abuse of the mothers new partner, and to keep the child with his blood relatives, rather than an extended new family when mother remarries. So the child is raised with the father and his extended family, and the mother will go back to her parents until remarried.
> 
> ...


According to what little information I got, the child was "taken" from her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

timmarteen said:


> According to what little information I got, the child was "taken" from her.


Yes that’s usually how it goes. 

Was she married in between these times? 

You said you met there, how? Did you meet online first, or you were a tourist, and how exactly did you come to meet her? I assume you spent time in her village/city?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

timmarteen said:


> I/We decided that now is not a good time for a kid so there is that.


Not sure what you're saying here. Aside from that, are you certain she's actually pregnant? She's learned that you're a good mark for accepting her stories. There's no reason to believe that's likely to change anytime soon. It's part of who she is. It's not because of her background being european, exploited, trying to survive. It was her choice how to react to trying situations. People come from the very bottom and do great things, and people come from a privileged life and, as @Laurentium said so well-

*Let me say that in marriage counseling, such a person is always thinking "what do I need to say?" rather than "what's really true?" It's a difficult thing to work with. It's like dealing with someone who's really an actor playing a role.*


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Not sure what you're saying here. Aside from that, are you certain she's actually pregnant? She's learned that you're a good mark for accepting her stories. There's no reason to believe that's likely to change anytime soon. It's part of who she is. It's not because of her background being european, exploited, trying to survive. It was her choice how to react to trying situations. People come from the very bottom and do great things, and people come from a privileged life and, as @Laurentium said so well-
> 
> *Let me say that in marriage counseling, such a person is always thinking "what do I need to say?" rather than "what's really true?" It's a difficult thing to work with. It's like dealing with someone who's really an actor playing a role.*


Right. there's no trust, nor is there a chance of building trust. without trust, you're not really
going to have much of a relationship. 

At least not in a traditional sense. AT best, he may have a temporary alliance that fits both of their needs, but he can't assume she's thinking of it the same way he is, nor does she attach the same meaning to concepts like "fidelity" he does.



Luckylucky said:


> In some parts of Eastern Europe this is very common and normal.
> 
> The female will have to leave the child with the father if she divorces. This is done to protect the child from future abuse of the mothers new partner, and to keep the child with his blood relatives, rather than an extended new family when mother remarries. So the child is raised with the father and his extended family, and the mother will go back to her parents until remarried.
> 
> ...


Wow, I had no idea that was a common practice. It makes sense though. 

It may explain why my ex-wife was so hostile to my extended family, and went out of her way to sabotage relationships between our kids and my parents and aunts and uncles.

But even if it's understandable (in that context only), that doesn't mean it's acceptable or should be tolerated. 

And the damage these people do to their kids - if left alone with them - is really something. If allowed, they unconsciously perpetuate the cycle of abuse they suffered. 

And they're almost always too damaged to be able to recognize this, and grow from it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It's possible to feel badly for someone's struggle while not allowing it to excuse them from normal adult behavior. Being hurt as a child, while horrible, is not an excuse to hurt others. If your wife is suffering because of past trauma, that is very sad but honestly, how qualified are you to help her with it by yourself? She's now in the States. She can get help here. She needs to get herself and her mind straight and deal with her trauma before she turns around and does that to her own children.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's possible to feel badly for someone's struggle while not allowing it to excuse them from normal adult behavior. Being hurt as a child, while horrible, is not an excuse to hurt others. If your wife is suffering because of past trauma, that is very sad but honestly, how qualified are you to help her with it by yourself? She's now in the States. She can get help here. She needs to get herself and her mind straight and deal with her trauma before she turns around and does that to her own children.


He noted at the end of his post that while he's a US citizen, they're not in the US, and he has no plans to apply for a green card for her. 

Regardless though, with people like her the challenge isn't getting them help; it's them. They need to recognize they have an issue and want to get help for the sake of their marriage and their kids, and that's _almost impossible_

Without their recognition of a problem with themselves and willingness to change, any sort of counseling and therapy is going to boil down to them saying what they think they need to say to get out of the sessions and move on. It won't produce any meaningful improvement. And if the therapist or counseling zeroes in on their behavior as an issue, they will stop going to sessions. 

It may seem counterintuitive that a person who grew up in a hard life will not appreciate an opportunity for a better one, but suffering abuse at a young age can permanently damage a person enough that they end up with life long trust issues. So while he's presenting her with a ticket out of the poverty and hopelessness she grew up in, she sees it as a potential trap, and will look to protect herself by any means necessary... lying, cheating, abusing him or his trust, etc., even if that ends up sabotaging the relationship itself.


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