# Very Hurt...



## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

Hi, I’m new here because I am desperate for some advice.

I’ve been married to my husband for a little over two years and totaled we’ve been together for almost six years. I’m going on 26 and he is going on 31 years old.

A little background information about us, we hardly ever fight..but when we do, it’s bad (nothing physical). My husband has a lot of anger issues even as a child. When our arguments go from bad to worse, I notice that he has a hard time controlling his emotions. He cannot “just listen” to me and realize that I am hurt,…he always has to prove his actions to justify that I am out of line. Honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore. When I’m angry, I try to use my words carefully. I’ll say things like, “When you do this…it makes me feel… or it hurts me when you do this…I feel unappreciated..etc..” 

We just got into an argument. My husband loves indulging in hobbies. It went from cars to training dogs. I try to be as supportive of his hobbies because he said he parents were never there for him. But I noticed that when he gets into a hobby, I feel like he expects me to like it as much as he does. Just a week ago, he started working out and he stressed that he also wanted me to work out. (he’s had membership at a fitness center for 2 years and never went once until recently)…..I felt really pressured and said that “I will start to work out when I’m ready too..just like how you didn’t go until you were ready.” Today, he complained again and commented that if I wanted to look ugly and fat, then it’s alright if I don’t work out….. I didn’t even get mad at him for saying that to me…It was when he made remarks about me being a bad pet owner and trainer that really upset me because he was the one who brought dogs into our household.

I guess I am frustrated because I try to be as understanding as possible. I feel that I put more effort into the relationship because in my culture, the women really do. I don’t put that on him because I know that it is my choice. I just wish at times, when I am upset at how he talks to me, he can’t simply acknowledge my feelings.
Every time we fight, I never think about leaving him. Today was the first time I felt like I needed the comfort of my mom. Can someone help me? I am honestly hurt.


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## yazito (Apr 13, 2009)

It must be kind of frustrating to have a husband to expect to like this at random just as he does. It still very important that you keep on supporting him in your own way too. What I would recoment for you is to go to therapy together. When i use to have fight with my husband I found it was easier to do it with a third person. It was the easiest way for me to talk and be talked to without any namecalling. I hope you can work this out good luck.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Unknown-

Here's some lateral thinking. I read on you other post that you are finding the sex infrequent and boring.

The dogs idea was stupid, I agree. Keeping dongs usually leads to less sex. However working out can lead to more sex. Maybe this is a hobby you *should *indulge him in. At the same time, try to find a new home for the dogs - he sounds like the sort of guy who can only focus properly on one thing at a time, so you might just get away with it.

As for the gym. Go for it! Working out will boost his testosterone levels, and make him feel sexier - this may well be a movement in a direction you actually can gain directly form. The best scenario would be to mix competing and flirting while you work out together. Warning: extra sex can lead to babies!


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I have found that talking to people who refuse to listen is a waste of valuable breath. I have also found that it is a waste of time to abide by peoples words, because those are usually lies or ideals.

It is much MORE effective to communicate with ACTIONS instead of words.

Refusing to be spoken to in that manner (walking away, or just ignoring him) will force him to choose whether he continues using the same verbally abusive tones.

Going to the gym with him, instead of saying you will when you are ready, will reinforce your support FAR more than empty words and broken promises.

My gf too is an obsessive hobbyist. When she chooses a new hobby, it becomes the center of the world. Its very frustrating at times because its like speeding towards a destination as quickly as possible, but before you get there, changing course and speeding elsewhere, but never stopping to appreciate what you are passing by.

Best of luck.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Counseling is the best answer to his anger issues. Instincts rooted as far back as childhood require professional help.

Taking an interest in his hobbies is a small price to pay for a good relationship. My fiancé gets really into hobbies and switches from one to another rather quickly and he too wants me to take part. I'm surprised how often I really enjoy them and when I don't I just keep in mind that it will pass.


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Unknown-
> 
> Here's some lateral thinking. I read on you other post that you are finding the sex infrequent and boring.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your words. My husband totally is the type of person that can only focus on one thing at a time. I will try the whole working out thing for him and also enourage him. 

As for his stubborness...I'm not sure what to do. He always ends up getting his way one way or another. Could you suggest anything? I am very patient with him and he'll admitt to me when he's not mad that he also knows that I am very patient with him...yet when we argue, he takes advantage of it. One time, I decided to treat him the way I felt he was treating me and he ended up not talking to me for a whole week because he felt that he couldn't trust me anymore. In the end, I lose no matter what.


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

KMDillon said:


> Counseling is the best answer to his anger issues. Instincts rooted as far back as childhood require professional help.
> 
> Taking an interest in his hobbies is a small price to pay for a good relationship. My fiancé gets really into hobbies and switches from one to another rather quickly and he too wants me to take part. I'm surprised how often I really enjoy them and when I don't I just keep in mind that it will pass.



How do you get someone so stubborn to go get counseling? I've suggested it but he disagrees. Today, he still blames his parents for the way his life is...which is very immature. I've bough books to help him get past it but he doesn't seem to care after reading a few pages that tell him to take responsibility for the way he feels and his actions.

When we fight, I can see how his personality transforms back to the little kid who was always so angery. The funny thing was, he got everything he ever wanted. Could you suggest anything?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Counseling for him should be the first priority. If he won't go, you should go and find out what YOU want, and eventually what you want to do if he refuses to change. My husband's therapist told him it usually takes a crisis to make someone change, and you may have to be ready to leave--truly willing to stand up for yourself through action--before he agrees to seek help. But any false threats on your part will only reinforce his sense of power in this issue, so don't do anything until you are sure you can follow through. 

As for the hobbies, I think it is one thing to take an interest in his hobbies, another to expect you to participate. If you really don't want to work out, maybe you can just support his interest in it--take before pics, keep a chart of his progress toward fitness, that sort of thing. If he decides to do a 5K race, going with him on race day and turning it into an outing is fun. You don't have to run/walk; tell him you'll get his pic crossing the finish line. 

Fitness is great for you, of course, but it is such an individualized thing and the ONLY thing that works, in the long run, is finding something you like to do, b/c that's the only way you will stick with it. Send me a private message if you want some ideas on that--I know I could NEVER be a gym rat, for example, so I've found my fitness niche elsewhere. 

I'm not surprised that you feel so hurt--his behavior is hurtful, as in, he's intending to hurt you. That does not mean, however, you have to LET it hurt. Imagine a little kid who gets angry and spits out at his mom, "I hate you." Moms know that is meaningless, just a sign of the child's inability to control his anger. Think of your husband that way, as still a child who cannot manage his anger. Have you thought about saying something like, "wow, you must feel really angry and out of control to say things like that. Why do you feel so much anger? Do you want to talk about it?" He may, or he may not, but if you refuse to let yourself be hurt by his childish and ridiculous behavior, YOU at least will be happier. 

Best of luck.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Unknown said:


> As for his stubborness...I'm not sure what to do. He always ends up getting his way one way or another. Could you suggest anything? I am very patient with him and he'll admitt to me when he's not mad that he also knows that I am very patient with him...yet when we argue, he takes advantage of it.


You are in danger of trying to get from point A to point F without going through points B,C,D and E. Here's a tip: Pick one thing to work on, and master that, or two at most..

A lot of people will call me mean, but I think that if you can't stand the dogs, you should say so. They are a recipe for less intimacy. Whenever I see a family with multiple dogs, I just know there's little sex!

But leave that for a bit. Focus on "suddenly finding working-out fun". Be a little bit devious, and don't let on to your husband what you are up to. Women have so much power, but not all of them have mastered deploying it. 

Your marriage is young. You have not reached the level of mutual respect required to gain you the changes you want. On the other hand, your self esteem is not as high as it could be. While you're working on the one or two areas I mentioned above (concerning hubby), you can look at working on yourself. This is the fast track to changing anything. Much of what we can't stand is a projection from within. 

When you have finished giving yourself self esteem tune-up, you will be surprised at how much authority you will have gained. At the moment, you are fighting fights that needn't be fought


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Unknown said:


> Just a week ago, he started working out and he stressed that he also wanted me to work out. (he’s had membership at a fitness center for 2 years and never went once until recently)…..I felt really pressured and said that “I will start to work out when I’m ready too..just like how you didn’t go until you were ready.” Today, he complained again and commented that if I wanted to look ugly and fat, then it’s alright if I don’t work out…..


i think you two need to work on your boundaries. My H and i just did a section on boundaries last night about what our motivations are in saying 'yes' to our spouse. A lot of the motivation to say yes comes from fear of losing love, making your spouse angry, feeling like a bad person, etc. You're not free to love someone until you're free to say 'no'. 

My H and i struggle with this, too. Except im usually the one that throws a fit when he says no to me. i usually guilt him into doing what i want. its not a good situation because he doesnt love me when i do that. he feels forced to say yes because he fears losing my love, fears feeling like a bad person, or fears my anger if he says no to me. 

It'll be good for you to work on your boundaries. Its not your responsibility to make up for his childhood. he needs to deal with that and grow up. If he cant respect your boundaries, then you need to emotionally back off and let him know why you are going to distance yourself from him.


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> You are in danger of trying to get from point A to point F without going through points B,C,D and E. Here's a tip: Pick one thing to work on, and master that, or two at most..
> 
> A lot of people will call me mean, but I think that if you can't stand the dogs, you should say so. They are a recipe for less intimacy. Whenever I see a family with multiple dogs, I just know there's little sex!
> 
> ...



Thank you once again! Yes,...I am fighting some battles that do not need to be fought....I guess I am running out of patience. However, I will do what you suggested......one thing at a time. You are also right on when you say that i have low self esteem..that's why I get hurt so easily. Do you have any good ideas to help with that issue? I've tried books but it just doesn't seem to help...I feel like I need him to validate my feelings at times...(again sign of low self esteem)..


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

Blanca said:


> i think you two need to work on your boundaries. My H and i just did a section on boundaries last night about what our motivations are in saying 'yes' to our spouse. A lot of the motivation to say yes comes from fear of losing love, making your spouse angry, feeling like a bad person, etc. You're not free to love someone until you're free to say 'no'.
> 
> My H and i struggle with this, too. Except im usually the one that throws a fit when he says no to me. i usually guilt him into doing what i want. its not a good situation because he doesnt love me when i do that. he feels forced to say yes because he fears losing my love, fears feeling like a bad person, or fears my anger if he says no to me.
> 
> It'll be good for you to work on your boundaries. Its not your responsibility to make up for his childhood. he needs to deal with that and grow up. If he cant respect your boundaries, then you need to emotionally back off and let him know why you are going to distance yourself from him.



when I emotionally back off...it feels like he backs off even more...then he puts the guilt trip on me...finding a reason to blame me for his decisions....(ex: he didn't talk to me for a week)

Can you explain to me this boundary activity that you and your hubby do?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Unknown said:


> when I emotionally back off...it feels like he backs off even more...then he puts the guilt trip on me...finding a reason to blame me for his decisions....(ex: he didn't talk to me for a week)


Well, you'll have to change your motivation for emotionally distancing yourself. Your motivation should be for your own happiness, not to in any way influence him. Once you do distance yourself, though, you'll have to find other ways to make yourself happy. Right now it sounds like he is the only thing you rely on for love and joy in your life. So obviously if you back off, its not going to work because you just feel like you're starving yourself. 

You are giving someone who is emotionally unstable an awful lot of power over your life. You will have to change that by learning to find other areas in life that bring you joy. 

Finding ways to live in an uncomfortable, or hurtful situation is hard. You will probably always feel a pain in your heart because of the way he acts. You cannot eradicate the pain. You cannot pretend his actions dont hurt you. Sometimes loving someone means accepting you are going to feel pain, and accepting that they cannot always fix the pain, but that doesnt mean you cant have joy in other areas of your life. 



Unknown said:


> Can you explain to me this boundary activity that you and your hubby do?


Sure we actually do a section a day out of a book and workbook called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. Things are going well for us now, but it was a very, very rough start. I was about as immature as your H is. I bought the books about a year ago. We are on page 40. lol. Doing the books caused more fights in the beginning, hence the very slow progress, but now we are able to talk and respect each other more.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Does your husband ever have moments of clarity when he's not angry and may even say things to indicate he regrets acting like he does? Or is he constantly on edge? If he does have moments when he's easier to get through to, use that time to voice concerns (not all of your concerns at once- as others have mentioned). Definitely don't bring up things like counseling (even if it's just counseling for yourself) during or right after an argument.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Chopblock I like how you think.



Chopblock said:


> I have found that talking to people who refuse to listen is a waste of valuable breath. I have also found that it is a waste of time to abide by peoples words, because those are usually lies or ideals.
> 
> It is much MORE effective to communicate with ACTIONS instead of words.
> 
> ...


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

Chopblock said:


> I have found that talking to people who refuse to listen is a waste of valuable breath. I have also found that it is a waste of time to abide by peoples words, because those are usually lies or ideals.
> 
> It is much MORE effective to communicate with ACTIONS instead of words.
> 
> ...


Today, I was very withdrawn from my husband due to everything and just didn't care too much. I think he noticed and actually tried to comfort me a little...I was still hurt though and didn't to talk to him.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Unknown said:


> You are also right on when you say that i have low self esteem..that's why I get hurt so easily. Do you have any good ideas to help with that issue? I've tried books but it just doesn't seem to help...I feel like I need him to validate my feelings at times...(again sign of low self esteem)..


There are lots of books on the subject. Get thee to a library! Or use google. However, the very start is that you must start valuing yourself. Nobody will value you more highly than you value yourself. 



Unknown said:


> Today, I was very withdrawn from my husband due to everything and just didn't care too much. I think he noticed and actually tried to comfort me a little...I was still hurt though and didn't to talk to him.


Your reaction was understandable, but inappropriate. what you should be doing is rewarding good behaviour and... well lets just start with rewarding good behaviour 

It all depends if you want the fast track to success or the slow-lane.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Your reaction was understandable, but inappropriate. what you should be doing is rewarding good behaviour and... well lets just start with rewarding good behaviour


:iagree:

dont get in a power struggle. reward him when he does something you like. otherwise he'll just give up.


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

Blanca said:


> :iagree:
> 
> dont get in a power struggle. reward him when he does something you like. otherwise he'll just give up.



Well, my hubby and I don't have a power struggle. Never did because he always had the power....but I completely understand where you are going with this...for a person like him, the last thing I need is for him to think I'm purposely getting back at him. It's just hard to always be the one that has to do the right thing. But in the end, you're right. If I act like an *******..he'll give up and treat me like one and it doesn't do any good anyway.


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> There are lots of books on the subject. Get thee to a library! Or use google. However, the very start is that you must start valuing yourself. Nobody will value you more highly than you value yourself.
> 
> 
> Your reaction was understandable, but inappropriate. what you should be doing is rewarding good behaviour and... well lets just start with rewarding good behaviour
> ...



Somehow, I feel resentment towards him..but I'm working on that and reminding myself the reasons why I love him for the way he is. I've tried really hard to show him that I love him although I feel at times it's not sincere like it use to be.

As an update, I am looking into a good book that is interactive for my hubby and I. The working out thing really took off and I feel great after my early morning joggs with one of the dogs. As for sex, I tried the texting thing!! lol...I think it's working?!?!.....hard to say right now.

You think i'm trying to do too much at once? I know you mentioned earlier that I was trying to go from A to F. I feel as if there's SOOO many issues in our relationship...this is just the beginning of it!!


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## sadness (Apr 28, 2009)

Hi

Will he ever say sorry or admit that he made a mistake?? Or will he always be right and if something goes wrong, you are the one to blame?? Feels like we are going through the same things...

*hugs*


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

sadness said:


> Hi
> 
> Will he ever say sorry or admit that he made a mistake?? Or will he always be right and if something goes wrong, you are the one to blame?? Feels like we are going through the same things...
> 
> *hugs*


What is your case? I'm sorry to hear that you are also going through it. 

To answer your question, when my H and I fight...I'm always the one (95% of the time) that has to make him feel better whether it is saying sorry first or doing everything he wants me to do. He controls our relationship almost completely although I do have a lot of freedom. He does apologize to me at times but it usually takes a long time for him to acknowledge it...Sometimes, it doesn't even feel sincere. 


In our arguments, he's really good at turning things around and making it my fault...and he'll throw a fit until I acknowledge "his" feelings and accept the blame. I guess it can be summed up as...he's a bully and bullies me until he's happy....sometimes, I don't even think he knows that he's doing it...and when I tell him, he thinks I'm "TOTALLY" wrong.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Unknown said:


> What is your case? I'm sorry to hear that you are also going through it.
> 
> To answer your question, when my H and I fight...I'm always the one (95% of the time) that has to make him feel better whether it is saying sorry first or doing everything he wants me to do. He controls our relationship almost completely although I do have a lot of freedom. He does apologize to me at times but it usually takes a long time for him to acknowledge it...Sometimes, it doesn't even feel sincere.
> 
> ...


I have a friend who does this to everybody including me. It took me years to be mentally astute enough to catch him out and slip through his grasp. Even then, he still catches me out.



Unknown said:


> You think i'm trying to do too much at once? I know you mentioned earlier that I was trying to go from A to F. I feel as if there's SOOO many issues in our relationship...this is just the beginning of it!!


Go with what is working. Don't try to move too fast.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My husband does not communicate either. He has many beliefs and once he states them... he is done talking.
We have only been married 2 years and we are both in the 50 years old range. His adult daughter is a constant source of arguement as I feel he is asking to tolerate the intolerable.
so... I know what you mean about not being able to communicate. Recently I have found myself just crying and for me, as I have always been a strong person I am thinking maybe I have just given up. I feel I no longer want to get into these long meaningless arguements as he is not communicating with me but threatening me...
that I wear him down and he will have his peace. We are at the end of communicating because I have come to where I just don't care anymore and my feelings are now that I should take care of myself.
I only wish he didn't move into my house as I feel trapped and miserable, more like a slave than a wife.
I guess he wants his way and will have it, at any cost. If he loved me he would not ask me to toerate the things he does or act as he does. I have come to where I just dont care anymore.
I now have to ask myself if its worth another 10 years because at my age, it could be worth it........... 
financially, if I stay. 
so...
I'm at a crossroads.
One thing I can say has happened, is due to his lack of communoication skills and having to always have his way, I don't care to talk to him anymore.... or even have anything to do with him.
I guess I can go fry him some eggs and bacon.


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