# Come out stronger?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So I read someone's posts on another thread that said "If you work through this, you both will come out stronger" or something like that...

My question is, how is that even possible?

Infidelity on my part has damaged our once unshakable relationship years ago before marriage and even though we have come far in terms of overcoming those issues, things have never been the same. Complete and utter trust is just not there anymore...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me it took her cheating and it being thrown in my face that there was problems in the marraige..... well let me reword it. I ignorerd the problematic marraige for years and final wanted a change in life. I was lucky b/c W wanted changes also and dropped everything to come along.

So in a sense me and W dropped our bad behaviors and committed to better behaviors, hense a better marriage. 

Make sense?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah, yes that makes sense... but I don't see how it can make sense in my case however


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get me up to speed, what is case?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I trust her with my life, the feeling is not mutual...

I don't like bringing up what I did with her besides I want to help her forget it, and I KNOW it will never happen again, I can have thoughts here and there sure but I've been there, done that, but how can I make her see that? I can't... it's been so many years...

There are signs that she still doesn't trust me, she calls up me constantly checking up on me - of course one can just think she's just being loving/caring/etc, she empties my ballsacs constantly, even if I'm late for work or a meeting with the directors, even if I'm doing something important, she doesn't care. I can't ask her for space, she intrudes on it. A lot of people say that I'm whining and that the thought of "wifey raping me" is laughable but hell...

No one understands, she just doesn't trust me, and it hurts too...

When someone mentioned "come out stronger", I was like WTF?!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its sound like you came out stronger,"It will never happen again"

So many years ago when I was "getting raped", instead of resenting her and turning her away and screwing up my marriage, I think I would have handled it like this;

Plan on it, except the fact that you will drain the sack, and move on about the day. I should of planed on banging in the AM so I should of woke earlier. I would of called her before she called me. I would of set my meetings after work later, so as to take her after work then go on about my evening.

I know, easier said then done, but hey alls our chicks want is some attention. And for me, my W just likes sex quick or slow it doesn't matter as long as I show that I still want it and want it from her.

Good luck and go along to get along


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh and I bet when you were complaining about the missus' "rapes" other folks probably just replied "You lucky bastard!", didn't they? LOL hell other folks just don't understand! Have you heard the "get a REAL man to do her then!" reply before? That one is the BEST! xD

Ne was, I'm coming to appreciate her more it's just that... I want her to trust me as much as I trust her. When someone mentioned "come out stronger" it hit close to home, that's what I want, but it's not happening...

Then again, I rarely call her before she calls me, rarely initiate (a part of me still resents the 'rapes'!!!)... I have to think on what you said. I wonder if the trust issue will work itself out by doing this...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It would inindate her with calls, let her know whats up "hi I'm at lunch just wanted to say...." or "I'm on my way home". It worked for me. See after I confronted her, my WS called me when she got to work, at break, at lunch, and when she go off work. Its starting to be a pain in the *ss, but compared to the allturnative I'll deal with it. Sh*t like that will help in getting some trust back. Basicly reassuring her that #1 you are thinking about her and #2 you are were you are suppost to be. 

My thought is as long as my W was calling me she not calling the OM.

My W also spent alot of time with me, she droped everything and gave her self back to me. So try it, spend some extra time with her and reconnect, take a vaction and just smoother her with attention, and keep draining the ballsack more then ever, work on getting reconnected. Spend the extra time now and it may help the both of you later down the road.

When she stops calling all the time, thats when you know your screwed. Been there


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, I guess in a way, "coming out stronger" makes sense. You've been there, done that, me... I haven't, lucky sure in a way but, in a way you're actually luckier then I - in that you've learnt how and why to appreciate your wife.

Sometimes she helps out at work too and brings our daughter, at first it was alright, rather cute... I had a habit of publicly slapping her ass whenever I walked past her washing the dishes (oh come on - her ass was literally ASKING for it!). Heh and still remember when she "sensed me" on her radar then gave me the sudden finger and look before I could do it lol... but meh, after a few weeks, I took that for granted too, I see her too much... complained about no space.

Think through the next year, 2011, I'll give this a shot. Be the romeo I was years ago when we first met. Be more appreciative, maybe even, other issues will iron themselves out. It's really great to know you've been there, done that mate, to be honest this is probably why I'm listening to you lol (being the stubborn idiot I am).

I'm such an ass! Even worse I'm proud of it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When me and the wife first started out I thought I had it made hot trophy wife and sex when ever I wanted. I had a handful of guys working for me and totaly treated my wife like crap. Talked **** about her and had drees up all sl*ty and just thought I was the ****. I quess I was very errigant.

As time went by I had a hundred guys working for me with 7 foreman, and I got so involved that I wasn't treating my W like crap, I wasn't treating my wife at all, I dissmissed her and just worked. Soon she was doing her thing and I was doing mine.


Don't waste it away, being an stuborn *ss hole works great in business... it will f*ck up your marraige, so leave it at work.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Her insecurities made her believe that she must rape you as often as possible to control your sexual desires for other females.

You have to figure out how to make her feel insecure & loved. So she would trust you. 

It's not about the religion, it's about to feel loved. 

When you show disagreement with her, first thing in her mind is, "He doesn't love me, that's why he's like this..."

She is insecure so she has a need of controlling whenever she saw things not going in the direction she likes.

She is unreasonable at times because of her insecurities. 

You can say she doesn't trust you or you can also say, she doesn't trust herself. She is not confident that if she doesn't empty your ballsack, you would be faithful. You didn't work enough on the damge you created in the past, so you must repair it now.

You have to give her lots of love and sex. Don't just wait until she comes to rape. Take initiatives, be fun & loving.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She will never admit her insecurity, everything is freakin' guesswork, heck, it could even be a medical condition too - or both - or even something else that I wouldn't even think of! I don't know. But yeah, it's weird how so many problems can be based on just a few...

And yeah, as the saying goes "leave problems at home at home", guess that works both ways... tough however. BTW... I also drink 2-4 cans of V or Red Bull every day for energy, I still tend to feel exhausted.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Erm... I actually appreciate what you said Pandakiss! heh

Nothing to apologise for


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I know it sounds crazy and may be hard to believe but yes, your marriage can end up being stronger. We are 1 yr, 2 months post D-day and our marriage is stronger than it's ever been. It's not all rainbows and roses, don't get me wrong - but when we do argue/fight (which not THAT often compared to ALL the time pre A) it's not near as malicious and one of us usually apologizes MUCH sooner than we would have and neither of us hold bitter resentment like we usually did. 

The trust thing is tough but it can be done. I probably trust me H more than most or perhaps I should. (he had the A) BUT I know what was wrong in our marriage BEFORE the A and what led to it. So, that's not the case now, he has no reason to cheat. Nor do I believe he ever would again. (ok, so I didn't think he would before either BUT it's a different situation.) 

It's not easy - it's alot of work! And some days I get mad and think he got away with murder, per se - cake and eat it too, any other cliche you can think of. But if I keep things in perspective, I am good. 

Good Luck to you! You said you're the one that had the A. So, when she does some things that may bother her or annoy you etc., as hard as it is, cut her some slack and get over it. Again, you had an A - you kinda "owe" her! I am not being mean spirited, I'm just saying you kind of have to let some things go. Think of all the things she's "letting go" to stay with you and improve your marriage, you know?? I know there are some things or times that just grate on my hubby but I say/remind him - hey, I know this really bothers you but sorry, you're going to just have to deal with it. There's things that "bother" me too and well, I just have to live with it and get over it. You can too! May be a tad bit childish but it seems to work for us. Again, these are everyday things - it's very rare but it seems to be working for us.


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