# Separated from wife and now in different countries



## hayshack (Apr 22, 2020)

Hi everybody,

I'm in a huge confusing mess right now and would really appreciate some help and guidance.

I'm a 27 year old male and married my wife (25) 2 years ago, we had a strong great relationship but have had many Obstacles and problems from the start.

We met five years ago, I'm from the UK she is from the Singapore. I got a job transfer there and thats how we met and fell inlove. Life got tough as after one year I had to return to the UK leaving us in a LDR relationship. We still faught and carried on getting married and planning on spending the rest of our lives together. 

One year ago I got given the chance to live in the Singapore again so here I am right now living here. It was a dream come true for us both, a fresh married start living together to start a family, we was both so happy. 

The problems started occurring 6 months ago, I have a pressuring job in mortgage finance and also had to work long straining hours which caused conflict between us both as we hardly saw each other as she worked at night as a nurse and I'm working long daytime hours. 

I felt like I needed space to clear my head but my wife would not give that to me which made matters worse, I turned cold and said some horrible things to her as I thought its the only way I can make her give me that space. This was wrong, she is the kindest most loving woman I have ever met. With her refusing it made the relationship worse, I couldn't deal with the pressure from my job and arguing with her etc. Now I'm ok with dealing with the pressure, things have got easier, I know I have made a huge mistake and instead of wanting space we should of been mature and fixed our problems, even getting marriage counseling. 

She has family in Dubai and threatened me if this relationship doesn't get better I'm going to leave you and live there. My head wasn't in the right place at that time and needing space I agreed as I never thought she would actually go, we was both so inlove with each other and I left my own country to be with her. After months of stress, and arguing she plucked the courage to leave to Dubai, for the first two weeks my head was all over the place and joined an online dating app to meet new girls to try and forget her. Her friend spotted me on this site and told my wife, this has now made matters way worse than what they was. Every time I try to get her back and tell her of our good times and what I can do to change, recommend marriage counseling etc she always brings up the hurtful words I said to her, the fact I wanted space and now being on an online dating app. I have advised the words I said was to make you give me space they wasn't true and the dating app was because you left and my head wasn't straight.

Now having 2 months apart already I have realized how much she means to me, I'm finding it so hard to let her go. Since she left she has constantly said give me space to find myself I don't know what I want right now. We spoke last week and she told me she still loves me but doesn't trust what I say anymore as it was my initial decision to have space now shes moved out I want her back so she is very confused. 

Does anybody have any advice for me right now, she still loves me and I'm very much inlove with her. I have advised her to come back to me we will get marriage counseling and listed many ways how I can change for the better, but right now she will not listen. Its not helping. I guess I just need to respect and give her space but shes already been gone 2 months and I fear more and more time apart will make her move on and unlove me. 

I'm so depressed as I'm in a new country now alone, I planned my whole life with her and now its gone.

The space has made me change as a person, realize how much I love my wife and what she means to me. We had 5 great years, I was good to her, lived my life for her, moved countries, gave up all my time to visit and be with her. I know now how to handle the pressure from work and our relationship, I can change my hours so we can spend more time, get marriage therapy to help us be better and heal, I just pray its not too late.

The past 2 months communication has been difficult as we are in different countries, stupidly she has always asked me to give her space as she needs time to heal and find herself but I've been to scared to do so and keep emailing and messaging her. We spoke last week she told me that she still loves me but is very confused and scared if she comes back I will do the same things again as she has no assurance from me. 

I really don't know what to do, I have not messaged her now since last week, I guess my only option is to now sit and wait and hope she comes back?

Thank you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No sitting there and just hoping is not your only option. Move back to your home country. It looks like she has made up her mind, and you’re just going to waste your life sitting there hoping. Sorry to be harsh. Tell her your plan to move back home, and if she doesn’t come running back, then you for sure have your answer. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## hayshack (Apr 22, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> No sitting there and just hoping is not your only option. Move back to your home country. It looks like she has made up her mind, and you’re just going to waste your life sitting there hoping. Sorry to be harsh. Tell her your plan to move back home, and if she doesn’t come running back, then you for sure have your answer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thanks for your reply.

I have told her this and she has said she needs time and space to heal, she doesn't know what she wants.


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## hayshack (Apr 22, 2020)

Its very tough as I need an answer from her so I know what to do on my side.

If she doesn't come back to me and wants a divorce then I will move back to my own country.

But anytime I try to talk to her she sees it as pressure and says she needs more time


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hayshack said:


> Its very tough as I need an answer from her so I know what to do on my side.
> 
> If she doesn't come back to me and wants a divorce then I will move back to my own country.
> 
> But anytime I try to talk to her she sees it as pressure and says she needs more time


Actually, you don't need to know what she wants to do. You do what you want to do. 

Here is the deal, I am not sure if what you said was really that horrible or not. Maybe it was. 

But you two guys are seemingly too immature to be in a relationship much less married. 

I don't know what culture each of you comes from, but I am thinking that that "Culture" has made all of this worse? 

However, you are the only person that can change, and you need to really grow up, read some books about relationships, normal relationships, learn about this stuff NOW. That way, if she comes back or if you meet someone then you will be better prepared to be a strong, healthy partner in a relationship. 

But is you want to move back, then move...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm confused.

You "wanted space" and when she didn't give it to you, you pushed her away - right out of the country.
Now she's asking you for space and you are scared to give it to her?

This is on you, man. And if you do get back together right now, you'll just do it all over again. So fix you and then see if you can fix your relationship.


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## hayshack (Apr 22, 2020)

Thanks for the advice guys.

I do agree we are both too immature that was one of the main problems.

I wanted space but didn't kick her out of the country she threatened me with it but I thought she was just saying it for attention, then eventually she just left.

I've had 2 months alone now to reflect on where I went wrong and what I actually want going forward.

Me and my wife last spoke one week ago, I proposed a fresh start, new place to live, marriage therapy to help heal, and ways we can both improve as a couple.

Her reply was she doesn't know what she wants and advised me to have more time to think, if I have really changed then in time I can go after her.

My biggest fear is the family she is currently living with are advising her not to talk or go back to me, so with me giving her space and time she will eventually move on, which isn't what I want.

We both love each other and have gone through so much I just feel that it can be saved with the right attitude and support.


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## Ella-Bee (Apr 18, 2020)

I'm going to be honest and say I think she has a plan B guy and is waiting to see how things work out with him before giving you a definitive answer. This is based on everything you've said above, plus my own experience doing the LDR thing with a foreigner when I was in my early 20s. Like you, it was a mess from the start with lots of arguments. When we had a break, I basically told him the same as your wife as I knew it was over but didn't want to be on my own. I moved back to the UK and was getting my old life re-started. But I still wanted the security of 'technically' being in a relationship until I was ready to move on completely. 

"she has said she needs time and space to heal, she doesn't know what she wants."

This is almost word-for-word what I said to my ex. Most people don't like being single and even if the relationship is dead, they will hang on until they have an alternative waiting in the wings. That doesn't mean she is sleeping with anyone else. But she may have just met someone as a friend and is 'scoping him'. Or she may just be waiting until she's psychologically got used to being on her own again before she feels ready to tell you it's over for good. Either way, in her head she has 99% left the relationship already. I would suggest you do the same.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hayshack said:


> Thanks for the advice guys.
> 
> I do agree we are both too immature that was one of the main problems.
> 
> ...


My friend, unfortunately both of you contributed to the learning of some lessons and hopefully maturing a bit.

To continue; you're best served by realizing this relationship is over and moving on, taking some valuable lessons with you.

You got out cheap; no kids, no alimony, no forever responsibilities you need to consider that in a M break up you got out early and are not tied back to her or her family in any way.

She's moved on. You must, and I mean must for your mental, physical, and financial health move on and think about your wide open future in a positive way.

Or you'll always think if yourself as the sole problem causer and loser here which I guarantee your not the only one that caused the kerfuffle. It's not all you, she's not perfect.

Move on. Save your dignity and future self.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hayshack said:


> Thanks for the advice guys.
> 
> I do agree we are both too immature that was one of the main problems.
> 
> ...


It sounds more like you're scared to lose her than it does that you've had some big insight or change on your side.

And it sounds more like she's in the same position as you.


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