# normal household rules or OCD - need opinions



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Believe it or not, this has potential to be marriage ending:
1). What is your opinion on sleeping on the couch. Not as marital punishment, but as a teenager who fell asleep in front of TV?
2). What is your opinion on leaving laundry in basket in front of washer in laundry room? 

Sounds like no big deal - right? I got text from H freaking out, calling son disrespectful and dirty and didn't want his yucky body sleeping where everyone sits. Then came part two that - gasp his laundry was in front of machine. We just had 24 hour blackout and not allowed to use major water. Instead of lugging it back up 2 flights of stairs, my son chose to leave it there.
Fine differing opinions - but H gets this dramatic - 'I'm not respected, I can't take much more of this' and 'you don't stand behind me' attitude. Truth - I don't. I pick my battles for important things like drugs, theft, alcohol and pre-marital sex.
Opinions please!
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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The things you mentioned don't seem like that big of a deal to me (although maybe I could make a case for the first one if it was habitual). 

At the same time, I can't think of a compelling reason not to making these rules for your household if they matter so much to H? 

You say you are picking your battles - he probably views this as you picking to battle him instead of your son.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Geeeesh.. You're hubby would HATE being married to me!. He'd be an emotional wreck.

Thank God my hubbs puts up with me.
1) "I" fall asleep on the couch. (well, honestly, he does too sometimes).
2) Laundry will pile up in front of our washing machine... for a whole week. Sometimes the laundry basket outside the bathroom overflows. -- I only do laundry on weekends, and some weekends I don't get thru all of it. 

I figure, there's three almost adults (son is 18) in the house. If someone wants laundry before I do it next week, They know well enough how to do a load!. If they want something specific washed for a special occasion.. Well, they'd either better say so, or do it themselves!.

I'm not really sure your hubs has OCD, but his opinions wouldn't fly in our household.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm guessing the problem is deeper than this but instead of dealing with what's really wrong he's angry at the little things because it's safer somehow.

.......or he could be ocd. Could really go both ways.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Acorn said:


> The things you mentioned don't seem like that big of a deal to me (although maybe I could make a case for the first one if it was habitual).
> 
> At the same time, I can't think of a compelling reason not to making these rules for your household if they matter so much to H?
> 
> You say you are picking your battles - he probably views this as you picking to battle him instead of your son.


8 times out of 10, my son does follow the rules. He fell asleep watching TV. 
I would have no problem telling him to find his bed, it's the degree it's taken to. I don't think texting me to tattle when I'm out of town and demanding I ground him and take away his cell phone is reasonable. I was being b!tched at like I did it. It's to the point the house isn't the relaxing place to be anymore.
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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> 8 times out of 10, my son does follow the rules. He fell asleep watching TV.
> I would have no problem telling him to find his bed, it's the degree it's taken to. I don't think texting me to tattle when I'm out of town and demanding I ground him and take away his cell phone is reasonable. I was being b!tched at like I did it. It's to the point the house isn't the relaxing place to be anymore.


Well that is the part that would bother me the most too. If a spouse makes a weird rule, the least they could do is enforce it themselves.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have OCD. This does not sound OCD. Sounds more like he has some issues with your son and is finding some miniscule issues and trying to make them into huge ones.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't like people sleeping on my couch without a sheet underneath. Bodies sweat and stuff at night and I don't want my couch unprotected. But if my kid fell asleep one night on the couch, i wouldn't flip out.


The laundry in front of the washer...does your kid normally do this and expect others to do laundry? My daughter does that and it pisses me off. So maybe your H thought your boy was just putting it there for someone else to do?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I don't like people sleeping on my couch without a sheet underneath. Bodies sweat and stuff at night and I don't want my couch unprotected. But if my kid fell asleep one night on the couch, i wouldn't flip out.
> 
> 
> The laundry in front of the washer...does your kid normally do this and expect others to do laundry? My daughter does that and it pisses me off. So maybe your H thought your boy was just putting it there for someone else to do?


No my son has done his own laundry for past 7 years. It does happen that he starts it, gets distracted with something else and stuff sits in dryer (dried), so someone does 
have to pull it into the basket to dry their own. So that is annoying. This time, he just didn't want to lug it upstairs to bring it back down. He was half way through when we had power outage for 24 hours.
I guess I see it is minor annoyances that people who co-habitate have to deal with, he sees it as my kids vs his kids and ready to leave. The my kids being from my first marriage and his kids being our children together. He tries to claim I never discipline my older son but discipline our kids. Really? Well ya he's 17 vs. 4 and 1.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I have OCD. This does not sound OCD. Sounds more like he has some issues with your son and is finding some miniscule issues and trying to make them into huge ones.


That's what I'm thinking and if it comes to a me vs him - bye bye hubby.
Hope you're feeling better pidge!
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I don't like people sleeping on my couch without a sheet underneath. Bodies sweat and stuff at night and I don't want my couch unprotected. But if my kid fell asleep one night on the couch, i wouldn't flip out.


I do get the sweat thing. He was wrapped in a blanket and all furniture is leather and could be wiped down. It happens about once a month in summer and 3 times during school year. I do think my son is hitting the point that the little infractions get him in trouble so he's saying screw it and doing whatever. Not sure how to handle that.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Semper Fi, ya slackers.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I have OCD. This does not sound OCD. Sounds more like he has some issues with your son and is finding some miniscule issues and trying to make them into huge ones.


I've been thinking about this, but I almost wonder if it's the opposite... he has issues with OP, but is targeting the son instead.

From what I'm reading, it's not the issue so much as OP not doing something he wants done.

Not saying he's handling it well at all. Just throwing out ideas.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I have a bad habit of accidentally deleting messages like this


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

yea. I'd say your husband just doesn't like your son. This happens even with biological fathers and sons. The boy is 17 and almost a man. H is the man of the house. They'll come to terms soon...I've seen it with allll my guy friends. Dad has to make sure that young son knows that Dad is STILL the man of the house.

Daughters do it with their Mums.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

It sounds like your husband is stressed out and is using your son as a scapegoat. This happened to me when I was a teen.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Acorn said:


> I've been thinking about this, but I almost wonder if it's the opposite... he has issues with OP, but is targeting the son instead.
> 
> From what I'm reading, it's not the issue so much as OP not doing something he wants done.
> 
> Not saying he's handling it well at all. Just throwing out ideas.


That could be true and I don't think I'm handling it well either. I either tune out and he blah blah blah (think Charlie Brown's teacher) or give it right back. Neither are effective. I don't want to give in to him though - he is kind of controlling.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, what is your marital status?

Doesn't sound good?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, what is your marital status?

Doesn't sound good?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

The only caveat I'll raise it that my 2 boys are both athletes. If they cam home after a practice (usually VERY sweaty) I'd give them crap if they sprawled out on the couch without showering!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> yea. I'd say your husband just doesn't like your son. This happens even with biological fathers and sons. The boy is 17 and almost a man. H is the man of the house. They'll come to terms soon...I've seen it with allll my guy friends. Dad has to make sure that young son knows that Dad is STILL the man of the house.
> 
> Daughters do it with their Mums.


It's like when my son does something disappointing, he takes it to heart like it's personal and it's not. My son is FAR from perfect. He's forgetful and careless, but he's full-time student, works 30 hours a week and babysits out 20 month old at 7:30 every morning as husband works til 9am and I start work at 8am. He listens to curfew and will do whatever I ask (mow lawn, cut trees, whipper snip, etc.). To give him set chore like take garbage out every day - blows in one ear and out the other and don't expect it - he'll forget. On H's side, he will help him with car, get a deal on custom parts for car etc. He is decent to him except when in a snit. These snits ruin everything.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So he's a good kid.

Then your husband is a turd.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Well, what is your marital status?
> 
> Doesn't sound good?


Work in progress.
H has some very good qualities, but... some not so good ones - just like me. Good side, faithful, took my kids as his own, good dad to babies. Bad side - difficulty compromising, rigid and unable to handle stress.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> So he's a good kid.
> 
> Then your husband is a turd.


Pretty much - yep. I will come back and like this when I get on laptop instead of blackberry lol.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

jenniferswe said:


> It sounds like your husband is stressed out and is using your son as a scapegoat. This happened to me when I was a teen.


How long did it last? This hasn't happened the whole marriage - just past year off and on.
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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I have two teenage boys of my own. Your husband is focused on trivial stuff that all boys seem to do at one time or another. They're naturally lazy and totally distracted by their second brains. It sounds like this is his step son which complicates things emotionally. He may be transferring his issues with you to your son.

I also focus on the bigs issues such as grades, pregnancy, breaking the law, drugs/alcohol, lying. Things that will make or break their core character. I do get on them about cleaning up their stuff, but I don't make it an emotional argument. Its more like "Hey have some respect for your mother and clean up your crap." However they need to be reminded alot, but I do it nicely. My oldest son is a scholar and a track star and I still have to remind him to shower before he sleeps. He's got a really high IQ but he doesn't seem to understand that his sheets will be cleaner if he always showers first. My youngest son sleeps and sweats on the couch regularly and I could care less. We have leather couches so they can be wiped off easily. That's why I bought furniture. So we can use it and live our lives.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

This made me think of the quote I heard from a female co-worker once" "There's nothing more smelly and sticky then a 17 year old boy"...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

my step father did things like this to me when i was growing up but let his children do what they wanted with no consequences. this went on until i came home from school on my 18 birthday and found all my stuff on the front porch and he told me it was time i found somewhere else to live.

i think a bit of it is jealousy.
i think he sees your son as an adult male who is not his child competing with him for your time and attention.

he seems a bit over the top on issues.

has he always been like this towards your son or just more recently?
which would make me think he is now seeing another adult male vying for your attention and time.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Yes, re-reading this thread... Makes it sound more like a controlling issue. He did not like & could not handle your being out of town very well.. He was stressed & the littlest thing set him off. He sent out text message while he was angry about it.

He was trying to control the fact that you were out of town & not there to "take care of his needs"... & his household. Probably a little manipulative also, trying to making you think twice about going out of town again.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Is your son his son too?
If not it could be some kind of adjustment disorder, having stepchild approaching manhood, etc.
Def sounds kind of controlling.
A home should be a place where people can do stuff like fall asleep or leave their laundy in the queue to hold a place in the washline, without getting yelled at. It also sounds like the conflict resolution skills of your H aren't what they could be, as he called you to gripe? He can't handle it on his own, that's a whole different issue.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I think that there are other issues at play. Could he feel jealous of your relationship with your son (right or wrong remember, to him--to him, his perception = his reality?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

These kinds of arguments arose in my last marriage sometimes. They weren't the cause for our marriage ending, but they strained relationships a lot. I tried to keep the balance between my husband and my daughters. Two of them dislike him because of his commanding style, and one is ok with it. 

You might talk to your husband about the importance of relationships in his life and how he's making a basket of laundry more important than his relationship with his son and wife. Make it a very brief conversation. "This is what you're doing when you have a fit over something small, and I will not sympathize with you or force our son to. I will only support your views when you're addressing things that are real disruptions to our family's well-being." And then be done with the conversation. Don't listen to attempts to persuade you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My H has apologized in the past for venting, or speaking his mind about my kids (who were teens living with us)... I told him, you don't have to apologize, and you of course are right to say what you need to say. Then I'd figure out whether it was something I need to address, or did he just need to vent. At least he was HEARD, either way.


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