# How do I get my husband to quit texting the woman he had an affair with?



## Kspoiled6 (Jun 6, 2018)

My husband had an affair with a woman he knew from high school. They all graduated in the 70's and most are retired and a large group of people get together for lunch once a month. The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair but he gets pissed whenever I asked him to quit texting with her. I am at a complete loss... Help


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Kspoiled6 said:


> My husband had an affair with a woman he knew from high school. They all graduated in the 70's and most are retired and a large group of people get together for lunch once a month. The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair but he gets pissed whenever I asked him to quit texting with her. I am at a complete loss... Help


This is easy, you file for divorce, that way your Husband is not texting her. Let her have him. 

You should not be over the affair, it is still going on. If they are in contact at all, the affair continues. 

He is lying to you... STILL. 

You are allowing yourself to be disrespected... You need to stop allowing this to continue...


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> This is easy, you file for divorce, that way your Husband is not texting her. Let her have him.
> 
> You should not be over the affair, it is still going on. If they are in contact at all, the affair continues.
> 
> ...


Yah, A person who thinks it's ok to keep texting daily with a person they had an affair with has zero respect for their spouse and I can't imagine he has any concern about continuing the affair.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

You chose to stay with someone who lied to you and betrayed you in the most intimate way a person can by having sex with another person......and you chose to stay in the relationship with them after the marriage vows and covenant were completely broken?

You deserve any upcoming misery you get then. You're just asking for it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Kspoiled6 said:


> The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair ...


No....

You didn't 'move on' from his affair. You simply chose to eat the huge **** sandwich he served up to you - and that's only because you want so badly to stay with him that you're willing to pretty much accept anything he does.

And now, you're *continuing* to eat the **** sandwiches he keeps serving up to you because he has absolutely ZERO respect for you and continues his affair literally right under your nose.

And you're _still _there, crying and gnashing your teeth, but accepting it. And that right there tells him you don't respect yourself enough to refuse to put up with his nasty ass behavior. You look weak and needy to him because he disrespected you in the worst possible way and you still clung to him like grim death, willing to accept the unacceptable from a remorseless ass-hole just so you can stay with him at all costs. So, he knows he can do whatever the hell he WANTS and you'll still desperately cling to him no matter what. 

And THAT'S why he continues to do what he's been doing, only now, literally rubbing it in your face.

Op, if you don't respect _yourself_, why on earth would HE respect you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The affair is NOT over if he's still contacting her. He's probably still having sex with her. He's doing this KNOWING that you know he's texting her and you are doing nothing.

I seriously would divorce this man. He is not only a cheater, but a blatant cheater that rubs your face in it. I wouldn't let another day pass without filing. What's more, I wouldn't listen to a word he said if he begged you not to divorce him. I WOULD divorce him. He's a remorseless *******. Get rid of his sorry ass.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

The texting is unacceptable. There should be absolutely no contact. Unfortunately since he won't respect your wishes to stop texting her your only option it seems would be to put up with it, or do something drastic to let him know you really mean it. Short of filing for divorce, maybe silent treatment or moving out for a short time. It's always tough when someone won't respect your reasonable requests. Wishing you best of luck.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Kspoiled6 said:


> My husband had an affair with a woman he knew from high school. They all graduated in the 70's and most are retired and a large group of people get together for lunch once a month. The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair but he gets pissed whenever I asked him to quit texting with her. I am at a complete loss... Help


I understand that you love him and you have moved on from what happened, but apparently he has not. I recently found out my wife has been having an affair with a friend of mine for over a year. Of course she denies everything even though she knows I've seen the texts and know that he confessed the whole thing to his wife. Her claim is that they are just friends who would get together for drinks to vent about the problems in their marriages. She does admit that they kissed, but also said that they knew it was a mistake. When she told me that I told her that that then should've been the point that the friendship ended, when they realized it was a mistake and going passed that friend point, but they still continued. I've also caught her texting with other men over the last two years as well, which to the best of my knowledge did stop after she was confronted about them, even though I know she has seen those men at social functions since then.

The main point her is that you caught him in an affair, he claims it's over yet he still has constant contact with her, that's not over. If it were really over and he had any kind of respect for you or your marriage, he would've cut all ties and contact with her after he got caught. And even if the actual affair is over, he could just be playing you to see how things go with your marriage while keeping his options with her open. That way if your marriage does fall apart or get worse, he has someone else to run to, you're plan B. If I were you I'd tell him straight out that he needs to cut all ties and contact with this woman or you're filing for divorce, and you need to actually follow through with it. You don't need the constant stress in your life and the constant doubt in your head about if he's being faithful or not. It's just not worth it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe he wants a divorce! Since he is still talking to her, even if it is not a physical affair.... he has no respect for you. He can say whatever....but you do not continue to hurt the one you love on purpose. If I were you, I'd start some ****. I'd figure out what to say beforehand, take a deep breath and tell him how you feel about being totally disrespected, unheard, unappreciated, unloved, etc...

Because you have two choices:
1. Let things go on as they are.
2. Change things. 

Take control of your life. It may not work out like you'd hope.... but being single, and NOT with someone who disregards you IS better than being with that person. And you can't really see that, or get that, while you are still there being disregarded. Been there! 

Figure out what you CAN do. Talk, offer counseling (third party sometimes works), and if that doesn't work.... see an attorney. Figure out what your options actually are. You DO have choices, you just have to figure out all the angles in case your first choice falls flat. And chances are that it will. If he doesn't care what you say or how you feel now, why would he change? So say your piece, but know that that probably won't work. Then, figure out what else you CAN do. 

Good Luck!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kspoiled6 said:


> My husband had an affair with a woman he knew from high school. They all graduated in the 70's and most are retired and a large group of people get together for lunch once a month. The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair but he gets pissed whenever I asked him to quit texting with her. I am at a complete loss... Help


Your WH is taking you for a complete ride and you are swallowing it. If he had an affair with her, to show he meant business and was remorseful he should have cut all contact. What exactly happened when you found out, did you just rug sweep the whole thing? It sounds like there were no consequences for his affair so he is just continuing with it. Give him something to think about,
do the 180 on him
go see a lawyer and see what you options are
tell a close friend or sibling
go for IC to see why you are willing to put up with this for so long, you must have major self esteem issues
file papers, scare the pants of him. If he is not willing to fight for you then he hasn't been yours for a long time
Do you have grown up children? Let them know what is going on, he has to be held accountable for his behaviour.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I want to answer your question. There is no way you can "get" someone else to do anything, if they either 1) don't want to do it; or 2) believe that the reward of remaining as they are is better than the reward of doing what you want them to do.

I want to say something else.....this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Not in any shape, form, or fashion. It was not your fault that he chose to have an affair. It is not your fault that he is continuing his affair through text messages. 

It is not your fault that he doesn't respect you. People like him commit adultery because they don't respect even God. If he doesn't respect God, there is no way he is going to respect you, or any other person. He does not respect his affair partner, either. He secured his relationship with her through lies, flattery, and deception. He strung her along, and still is, because he is on the throne of his own life, and puts himself and his hormonal secretions at a higher priority than his oaths, vows, promises, and the well-being of his wife and that of his schtup.

He is willing to forsake your emotional health, and the OW's emotional health, for himself, and his ego strokes. No one in the world is as important, nor as deserving, as him.

He has not returned to his marriage with you in this "cake eating" mode because he actually wants his marriage to succeed. He is only doing this for "damage control"....he wants to minimize his losses in a divorce.

There is not anything you have done, nor anything you haven't done, that makes him disrespect you. And, there is nothing you can do, or not do, in the future that will "get" him to respect you, or your feelings.

Honestly....it won't make any difference if you "respect yourself" to him. He has already proven that your psychological wellness does not matter to him, at all.

That being said, I do agree with the previous posters in that considering yourself worthy of love, acceptance, respect, and fidelity may make you feel more confident in yourself, and this is worthwhile to pursue.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

aine said:


> Do you have grown up children? Let them know what is going on, he has to be held accountable for his behaviour.


Agree....also, if OW has a husband, or grown children, tell them, too. I would not extend that suggestion to children who are not yet adults.

If he has a pastor or spiritual leader, tell him/her, too.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I would simply file for divorce if I were in your shoes. Your husband is consciously choosing to dismiss your feelings and needs, in favor of continuing his affair. Even if he's not still sleeping with her (and that's a hard maybe) he's still in at least an emotional affair with her. All that time he's spending texting her, talking to her, laughing with her? Yeah, that's time and emotional energy he should be spending on his wife. But he's not, now, is he? Because his real focus is on her, rather than on you. _He's choosing her_, with every single text, every single day. And that's just not okay. 

However, if you'd like to try to save your marriage, you will need to do some work on your own. Find a good marriage counselor in your area who has experience helping couples heal after infidelity. Get a business card from that person. Next, go interview several competent divorce attorneys in your area for an initial consult and find one who fits your needs. Get a business card from that person. Finally, sit your husband down calmly and tell him that his continued contact with his affair partner is not acceptable to you. Hand him the two business cards. Tell him that he may choose which direction you two go. He may choose to keep his affair going through this continued contact, which will mean a divorce. Or, he may choose marriage counseling to try to salvage what he destroyed. But make it very clear that any further contact with his affair partner will result in you choosing the divorce option. 

The issue here, though, is that you have to mean it. If you aren't okay with the current situation, then you're going to have to be willing to risk losing your marriage in order to have a chance to save it. He may decide to just take the divorce you've offered, so you need to be prepared for that reality. He may decide to choose MC, but then be unwilling to give up his affair partner and just go back to hiding his affair. You need to be prepared for that, as well, and willing to file for divorce very quickly should you find out that's the case. But, if you can be strong and sure, then this gambit may just shock him out of his complacency enough to realize he's actually about to lose his wife due to his own stupidity. There's at least some chance, however small, that he'll actually commit to no-contact, give up his affair partner, and work with you to genuinely heal the marriage. 

If you're not prepared follow through with enacting the consequences of whatever he chooses - MC, divorce, or continued cheating that will result in divorce - then you need to simply figure out a way to stop being bothered by his cheating. Because he's not going to stop until he has to. And he clearly doesn't have to in order to keep you. He's sure - because you've proven it to him - that he can sleep around and then rub his affair in your face, and that you will take it and not go anywhere. If that's really true, then just learn to accept the current state of things. Figure out how to be okay with this current level of disrespect. Because he obviously doesn't see any need to change it, and you aren't going anywhere.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I would also like to strongly recommend that you get into IC for yourself. I think it's pretty highly probable that you have some real issues with low self-esteem and that you lack the ability to make and enforce appropriate boundaries. A good IC could help you with that. 

You may also find it helpful to do some reading. Start with Boundaries or Boundaries in Marriage, both by Cloud and Townsend and available from Amazon or most other book sellers. Surviving an Affair by W. Harley would also be excellent, as it will give you some idea of what will need to happen to get you two on the road to a real reconciliation, if that's what you both choose.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't scare him. Divorce him. He is NOT worth keeping. Every second you spend as this man's wife is a second away from a man you could love and cherish and receive love and loyalty from. 

You aren't going to ever be happy with this guy, because he clearly doesn't love you. I'm sure he may SAY that he does. 

Okay, I'll be straightforward with you. I love you, OP. I am deeply in love with you. I need you. I don't want to see another day without you. 
Do you believe me? Why not? Hell, I've not cheated on you, and I'm not texting my other woman. Telling someone they love them is pretty freaking easy. Showing someone isn't that hard either. What this guy is showing is not love.
He is taking it for granted you will keep tolerating him because you can do nothing about it. He knows you.

Do something different. Talk to a lawyer and find out how badly you can screw him over in divorce. Get your life WITHOUT him figured out, and then leave him. Don't wonder about it. Don't dwell on it. Make a logical decision and don't let your "love" for him make you stay anchored to this cinder block. 

This guy is not a good man, nor a good husband. I don't think you should scare him, give him an option, go to counseling, or anything else that has anything to do with this man. I KNOW you should divorce him. He has not only cheated in the past, he's doing it now. Any thoughts he gives this other woman is a total betrayal of his marriage vows. He is still in the affair, even if it's only in his head.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce his cheating ass then you don't have to worry about what he is doing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're kidding yourself if you think his affair is over. It may not be physical any longer (he's the only one who knows for sure about that) but it definitely is emotional.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Since you are unwilling to divorce him, I would suggest giving him a taste of his own medicine.
Are you connected on social media with any of your old high school boyfriends? Find one that is single and start private messaging him. It can be totally innocent. Then start telling your POS H that you reconnected with an old BF and how wonderful it is catching up on life with him. Start using your phone day and night, and hiding the screen from him. (Even if your on Amazon). He will either get the point, or he won't care because he wants to be with his AP. Then you can decide what to do next.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is called setting a boundary.

"I will not continue to be married to someone who disrespects me by continuing contact with his affair partner".

But you have to mean it. If you're just annoyed but not willing to apply the pressure it takes to get him to stop, you might as well just give up right now. He knows you don't like it. He knows it is wrong to do it. But he keeps doing it because the consequences are not bad enough. He will have to dislike the consequences more than he dislikes giving up the contact with her. Unfortunately the pain will probably have to be divorce. Anything less and he will put up with it.

However, there are a few things you could try first. Is this other woman married or in a relationship? You could expose the affair and the ongoing contact to her current partner. You should expose the affair to the others within this social group, because your H and this OW do pose a risk to other marriages within the group. People will want to know there are predators in their midst. Do these exposures without giving your H advanced warning. When he comes to you angry about it, tell him this is just the beginning if he doesn't straighten up and fly right. Then go radio silence on him. Don't argue, don't justify, don't debate. Just smile and state your boundary "I will not continue to be married to someone who disrespects me by continuing contact with his affair partner".

Then walk away. Stay confident and calm. Let him stew for a while.

But you also need to be investigating this relationship. Chances are 99.99% he is still in a full blown affair with her. It is at least a strong emotional affair, but human history informs us it is almost certainly still a sexual affair. You need to get the truth on what is currently going on.

I'm sure finances and family are very large considerations for you since your age must be late 50's to mid 60's. This is quite understandable and real, but you deserve better. My advice is to try the above and then if he doesn't stop contact to file for divorce. Shock and Awe. If he doesn't genuinely come back to the marriage and work on reconciliation, proceed with the D. The other alternative is to acknowledge the marriage is destroyed but that the other factors override getting D. This is tough, and not many people can be happy with it, but you could simply decide to move on emotionally while remaining married. Not a good alternative at all, but one that you could choose.

Be aware that the more pressure you put on him the more he is going to hide his activities. He'll use other methods of communication with this OW. You need to have surveillance in place to detect it. Ideally you have access to all of his passwords so you can monitor his phone and internet activities. If he has nothing to hide, he has no reason to resist giving you such full access.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Make an appointment today with a divorce lawyer....then tell him what you are doing. Talk about lack of respect for you...bad enough he cheated on you but to continue to text her. Wow!!! Get some self esteem and a backbone too.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Why do I think the OP will just continue on like this?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

The PHYSICAL affair might be over, but the emotional AFFAIR certainly is as strong as ever.  DIVORCE..... Yeah, i know that is not what you want to hear. Im sorry.


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## iwantBliss (Jun 8, 2018)

You shouldn’t have to ask him to cut off someone who he had an affair with. That’s a given if one expects to repair the relationship!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Kspoiled6 said:


> My husband had an affair with a woman he knew from high school. They all graduated in the 70's and most are retired and a large group of people get together for lunch once a month. The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair but he gets pissed whenever I asked him to quit texting with her. I am at a complete loss... Help


Get a cutthroat lawyer and file for divorce. I think he might change his attitude about it. 

Or raise the roof and expose it to the group of friends. 

One way or the other you have to get control of the situation. Because he obviously cares more for this “friend” then you. If she is married, tell her husband.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Kspoiled6 said:


> My husband had an affair with a woman he knew from high school. They all graduated in the 70's and most are retired and a large group of people get together for lunch once a month. The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair but he gets pissed whenever I asked him to quit texting with her. I am at a complete loss... Help


Your husband is full of ****.

Rule #1 of affairs —

For as long as they’re in contact, the affair is ongoing.

Bottom line — if he won’t a) cut contact and b) PROVE to you that he’s done so, you need to file for divorce.

If you’re not willing to do that, you’ll just have to find a way to come to terms with his ongoing affair.

Is she married? If so, has the affair been exposed to her husband?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Start your 180 right now and don't back off. File on him next Monday. This guy needs a wake up call.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Kspoiled6 said:


> My husband had an affair with a woman he knew from high school. They all graduated in the 70's and most are retired and a large group of people get together for lunch once a month. The short story is, I found out about everything it and he tells me it's over and they are just friends. It bothers me that they text every day and he won't quit. I love him and I have moved on from the affair but he gets pissed whenever I asked him to quit texting with her. I am at a complete loss... Help


OP her comes the four letter word

FILE That should do the trick


55


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