# Husband may have 2 other children....



## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

My husband recently found out he may have fathered a set of twin girls. Just to give you the timeline.....we've been married 6 years and dated nearly 2 years before marriage. The twins just turned 7 a few weeks ago. Therefore they were conceived when we first started dating each other.....he doesn't feel like he cheated because we weren't living together or married at the time. But I feel like he cheated! There's also the question of how this will affect our family financially. If the DNA proves these are his children he will have to take financial responsibility as well as began to establish a relationship. Any helpful, non-judgmental advice appreciated....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why don't you wait until you find out if he's the father? Until you know, any advice is just spinning wheels.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How did he find out? 
He will need to get a DNA test done. Does he want to be part of their lives after all this time? Does the mum want financial support? 
If you were dating then yes it was cheating and presumably he didn't use birth control either.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you were in a committed relationship at the time then, yes, he was cheating.


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## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> How did he find out?
> He will need to get a DNA test done. Does he want to be part of their lives after all this time? Does the mum want financial support?
> If you were dating then yes it was cheating and presumably he didn't use birth control either.


The mother of the children was/is married. From what I'm told the husband already did a paternity test which revealed that he was not the father. My husband (then boyfriend) did sleep with her during the time the twins were conceived. I know nothing of the mother or if she will seek financial support. But I do know my husband will absolutely want a relationship with the children and contribute to their upbringing. My trouble is, this makes me look back and question if there were other times he may have cheated


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## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

Openminded said:


> If you were in a committed relationship at the time then, yes, he was cheating.


I felt like we were committed but he feels like because we weren't yet living together or married that we weren't


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Candicane28 said:


> I felt like we were committed but he feels like because we weren't yet living together or married that we weren't


If the two of you had agreed to be exclusive and not see others, then that was commitment. However, he’s not alone in thinking commitment only really begins with marriage (or living together). At least he includes living together as a commitment — some feel that anything they do before marriage gets a pass. It comes down to whether or not you consider it a reason to divorce him. There are women who would but there are also women who wouldn’t.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Don't get hung up on the semantics. What do you want to happen next? What if he's the father?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

There’s a great current thread on here where another woman is pregnant with twins to another man. Maybe it would be very helpful. Sorry you’re in this situation I hope you have some real answers soon.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Candicane28 said:


> My trouble is, this makes me look back and question if there were other times he may have cheated





> The mother of the children was/is married.


Don't focus too much on the semantics of whether he cheated on you or not. 

How _is_ he when you talk about it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Candicane28 said:


> I felt like we were committed but he feels like because we weren't yet living together or married that we weren't


If I am dating a man and the man has sex with someone else that is cheating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Candicane28 said:


> I felt like we were committed but he feels like because we weren't yet living together or married that we weren't


He is trying to excuse what he did.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You think if you're in a supposedly exclusive dating relationship with someone and they sleep with someone else, it's cheating. Your husband thinks if you're in a supposedly exclusive dating relationship with someone, but not living together or married, and they sleep with someone else, it's not cheating. One of you thinks he cheated, one of you thinks it "doesn't count" because you weren't married. Neither of you is "wrong" or "right" in any absolute sense, but those two opposing viewpoints would indicate to me that you two have very different opinions on the nature of relationships. I would go so far as to say that such a glaring difference in outlook would indicate that you two are essentially fundamentally incompatible. 

OP, did he ever tell you that while you were dating you were free to sleep with other people? Did he tell you he thought he was? Would you have continued dating him if you new he was sleeping with other people - and a married woman, at that? 

I'm guessing that what he wanted - and may still imagine is right and fair - is for _you_ to be faithful to _him_ while he was free to shag whomever he pleased. Which is the mindset of a cheater. I'd be very leery of someone with that mindset.

But, only you can decide whether you're able to get past his cheating early in the relationship. Only you can decide whether this is someone you're willing to trust to be faithful during your marriage. And, only you can decide whether you're able to be okay with him now having more children, having slept with a married woman, being wrapped up in drama with a past fling, and potentially being responsible for supporting children he may have fathered while cheating on you before your marriage. I would say, though, that I don't think there's anything at all wrong with you if you decide that those things are deal-breakers for you. After all, a guy with a very different idea of fidelity than you, who slept with a married woman, who is also responsible for two children you never new about, probably really isn't what you thought you were signing up for when you married him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

On your other thread you speak of thousands of dollars going “missing” from your joint bank account when he visited his home town. He denied taking the money. 
I think you know now what he used it for.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Candicane28 said:


> My husband recently found out he may have fathered a set of twin girls. Just to give you the timeline.....we've been married 6 years and dated nearly 2 years before marriage. The twins just turned 7 a few weeks ago. Therefore they were conceived when we first started dating each other.....he doesn't feel like he cheated because we weren't living together or married at the time. But I feel like he cheated! There's also the question of how this will affect our family financially. If the DNA proves these are his children he will have to take financial responsibility as well as began to establish a relationship. Any helpful, non-judgmental advice appreciated....


Of course he was cheating. What’s worse is his lack of respect for marital vows. He was perfectly fine with F’ing a married woman. Of course she’s the real POS but he contributed. 

 Do you have children together? If not, I would advise you to run. His income and hence your quality of life is about to take a massive hit.

Btw, you should be concerned about there being other women. Any guy who says with a straight face that he wasn’t cheating on you when you were already exclusive just because you weren’t living together yet is the kind of guy who has no boundaries.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Clearly your husband knew about these children, considering the details, timeline, and the fact he took out $2500 from your joint bank account when visiting his hometown. Birthday gifts for the twins?

I would be a whole lot more concerned about the present deception than something that happened many years ago before you were married. This guy is leading a double life and lying to your face.

but I had a few questions:

1. When you were dating, were you both agreed that it would be 100% exclusive? I've been in relationships where it was assumed, only to discover that she had other ideas. 
2. Do you have children?

Your husband will have a financial obligation towards the twins. He will likely have to pay for half their college education and other expenses. The mother's husband may divorce her, and child support may end up in your husband's lap.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is he still gambling?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rowan said:


> You think if you're in a supposedly exclusive dating relationship with someone and they sleep with someone else, it's cheating. Your husband thinks if you're in a supposedly exclusive dating relationship with someone, but not living together or married, and they sleep with someone else, it's not cheating. One of you thinks he cheated, one of you thinks it "doesn't count" because you weren't married. Neither of you is "wrong" or "right" in any absolute sense, but those two opposing viewpoints would indicate to me that you two have very different opinions on the nature of relationships. I would go so far as to say that such a glaring difference in outlook would indicate that you two are essentially fundamentally incompatible.
> 
> OP, did he ever tell you that while you were dating you were free to sleep with other people? Did he tell you he thought he was? Would you have continued dating him if you new he was sleeping with other people - and a married woman, at that?
> 
> ...


You bring up a good point in that he wasn't just sleeping with another person while they were dating, but that it was a married woman. To me and maybe to countless others that was just awful. One is bad enough on its own.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Candicane28 said:


> The mother of the children was/is married. From what I'm told the husband already did a paternity test which revealed that he was not the father. My husband (then boyfriend) did sleep with her during the time the twins were conceived. I know nothing of the mother or if she will seek financial support. But I do know my husband will absolutely want a relationship with the children and contribute to their upbringing. My trouble is, this makes me look back and question if there were other times he may have cheated


Gosh, so sorry.

So many people are going to be hurt here.

Twenty years from now this will be old and settled news.

Presently, this is new, and ghastly news, yes, totally unsettling.

Even if he is not the father, he was the mailman (milkman) back then.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You bring up a good point in that he wasn't just sleeping with another person while they were dating, but that it was a married woman. To me and maybe to countless others that was just awful. One is bad enough on its own.


It's beyond awful. It's a much bigger indication of character than simply "cheating." Even if he and OP hadn't even met when this happened, OP's husband is an affair partner, a cheater. That alone should be cause for great concern. Much greater concern than semantics over whether OP and her to-be-husband were dating or presumed exclusive at the time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> It's beyond awful. It's a much bigger indication of character than simply "cheating." Even if he and OP hadn't even met when this happened, OP's husband is an affair partner, a cheater. That alone should be cause for great concern. Much greater concern than semantics over whether OP and her to-be-husband were dating or presumed exclusive at the time.


Absolutely, not the man I would want as my husband or
the father of my children. 
Plus the disappearing money and his lies about where that went


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Candicane28 said:


> My husband recently found out he may have fathered a set of twin girls. Just to give you the timeline.....we've been married 6 years and dated nearly 2 years before marriage. The twins just turned 7 a few weeks ago. Therefore they were conceived when we first started dating each other.....he doesn't feel like he cheated because we weren't living together or married at the time. But I feel like he cheated! There's also the question of how this will affect our family financially. If the DNA proves these are his children he will have to take financial responsibility as well as began to establish a relationship. Any helpful, non-judgmental advice appreciated....


File support on your kid first. First gets biggest cut of tge pie.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> File support on your kid first. First gets biggest cut of tge pie.


She'd have to get divorced first.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I asked earlier, but do you have kids with your husband? If not, just dump this guy. Impregnating a married woman should tell you all you need to know that he’s not husband or father material.

And did I read it right, that your husband gambled 1000s of the family money ? That is financial infidelity.


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## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

Candicane28 said:


> The mother of the children was/is married. From what I'm told the husband already did a paternity test which revealed that he was not the father. My husband (then boyfriend) did sleep with her during the time the twins were conceived. I know nothing of the mother or if she will seek financial support. But I do know my husband will absolutely want a relationship with the children and contribute to their upbringing. My trouble is, this makes me look back and question if there were other times he may have cheated





jsmart said:


> I asked earlier, but do you have kids with your husband? If not, just dump this guy. Impregnating a married woman should tell you all you need to know that he’s not husband or father material.
> 
> And did I read it right, that your husband gambled 1000s of the family money ? That is financial infidelity.


Yes we have one 4 year old together and my 16 year old from my previous marriage. Yes, a few years ago he gambled several thousand dollars from our savings. He has a history of gambling on card games and poker type. Since I'd threatened to leave him back then we hadn't had any other financial issues. So now we are in this wait and see stage to find out if these are in fact his children and what that will mean for my household financially


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## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> Don't focus too much on the semantics of whether he cheated on you or not.
> 
> How _is_ he when you talk about it?


We talked about it at length yesterday. I let him know that I can't help but feel betrayed. He apologized for hurting me and swears he never dated or slept with another woman once we moved in together and never after we married. Of course he seems remorseful, even tearful. But I'm not sure where to even begin healing or forgiveness when if in fact these are his children they will be a constant reminder going forward of his infidelity in the beginning of our relationship


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## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Is he still gambling?


Since that incident a few years ago we actually haven't had any more issues with the gambling. But I also took complete control of our finances and savings account.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Candicane28 said:


> We talked about it at length yesterday. I let him know that I can't help but feel betrayed. He apologized for hurting me and *swears he never dated or slept with another woman once we moved in together and never after we married*. Of course he seems remorseful, even tearful. But I'm not sure where to even begin healing or forgiveness when if in fact these are his children they will be a constant reminder going forward of his infidelity in the beginning of our relationship


I really hope, for your sake, that this isn't exactly how he phrased it. 

Because if he did, what he's really saying is that he never slept with another woman after you moved in together. And that he _really, especially,_ didn't sleep with anyone else after you married. That sort of 'double-extra assurance' is a rather glaring hallmark of dishonesty. It's a statement meant to muddy things and misdirect your focus. It's like asking your kid of he ate the candy bar that was on the counter and having him respond that he didn't eat it after dinner and he really absolutely didn't eat it before dinner.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Candicane28 said:


> The mother of the children was/is married. From what I'm told the husband already did a paternity test which revealed that he was not the father. My husband (then boyfriend) did sleep with her during the time the twins were conceived. I know nothing of the mother or if she will seek financial support. But I do know my husband will absolutely want a relationship with the children and contribute to their upbringing. *My trouble is, this makes me look back and question if there were other times he may have cheated*


A very valid concern.



Diana7 said:


> If I am dating a man and the man has sex with someone else that is cheating.


Yep, agreed. 

Plus if he didn't consider it cheating, why didn't he tell you?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I really hope, for your sake, that this isn't exactly how he phrased it.
> 
> Because if he did, what he's really saying is that he never slept with another woman after you moved in together. And that he _really, especially,_ didn't sleep with anyone else after you married. That sort of 'double-extra assurance' is a rather glaring hallmark of dishonesty. It's a statement meant to muddy things and misdirect your focus. It's like asking your kid of he ate the candy bar that was on the counter and having him respond that he didn't eat it after dinner and he really absolutely didn't eat it before dinner.


Yep. The 'sleeping' isn't the problem. One doesn't have to sleep with someone to have sex with them. Neither, does one have to date to have sex. He could be playing word games.


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