# How do you know if it's worth it?



## Goodsport (Oct 4, 2009)

Hi,
I'm new to this forum. I was on a depression forum for almost a year. I no longer know if the depression was causing my unhappiness, or if the depression was caused BY my unhappiness. But at this point in my life, my depression is a LOT better and has been for some time. But I'm still unhappy in my marriage.

I don't know if my husband are meant to be together and I'm not sure what to do about it. In terms of interests and beliefs - we are generally on the same page. We have 2 WONDERFUL children 12 and 8, and my husband is a great dad.

We've had lots of ups and downs over the years and lots of periods with no sex whatsover (like 6 months or longer.) I really believe my husband on some level does not respect me. I was thinking this morning when I couldn't sleep, that if my husband and I didn't know each other and I worked at his work - he would find me overbearing, obnoxious, and silly. (This is kind of how his parents see me.) The friends he has are nothing like me - they are serious, quiet and laugh, but about different things. I often say we are Dharma and Greg - in the fact that I am passionate and bubbly and animated, and he is reserved, slightly anti-social, and judgmental. I never feel like he is as invested in us as I am - that if we were apart, he go on while it would destroy me. However, he is committed to the institution of marriage and committed to doing overall whatever keeps our marriage working. And he loves our kids and wants to do what is good for them (sometimes to the point where if things aren't great he will treat me like I don't exist and be sweet with them.)

When we were dating, I was the one who went after him. I think that was a mistake. I think he thought I was pretty and didn't have a lot of other women actively pursuing him and we had a lot of the same interests. But I think he's always had me in some kind of hooker category, in the sense that I'm the type of woman you have fun with, but don't marry. (Don't get the wrong idea - I'm really boring overall - I don't really drink very often and I've only slept with one man - my husband.) 

I've asked him to go to counseling to simply improve our marriage because I am so unhappy. I am tired of being the one who approaches him for sex. I am tired of being the one he "takes care of". I am a very responsible adult woman with a good job in corporate training. 

Without knowing the whole story, I am sure I am seem petty and silly about this all. He's not abusive and he's a good father who tries to make things work overall. He doesn't cheat on me. He works really hard to do little nice things for me - making sure my cell phone is charged, helping out by picking up the kids sometimes, etc. But when he is stressed especially, his emotions switch often on a dime, and he often shuts me out and shuts down period. He often acts frustrated by my very existence and often snips at me about choices I make (why is that lying on the floor? why didn't you take care of the X? why is your mother over? etc.)

After my depression, it seems my mind keeps going back to very final solutions as a fix for our marriage. But I don't really see them as viable with two young kids. I just don't know what is depression and what is me truly seeing as a mature adult, that I am not happy living with someone who sees me as a giant pet they have to take care of. Before I was with my husband at 20, people saw me as a driven, respectable girl who was very bright and was going to be very accomplished. I was in almost all sports, on honor society, and got top grades. I was a catch. Most of the time now, I just feel like a bumbling doofus. I don't know if that's my husband's fault or not. 

Sorry for the long post. Please respond if you know at all what I'm talking about and/or if you have ideas.
Thanks,
Red


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Goodsport, I hear you. I am in a situation al ot like yours but the other side see( need a womens opinion). I would truly do anyhting to make my wife happy but I think the depression has a grip on her what is causing it I don't know. I do think the change of life is contrubuting to it. It is har for both in a marrige when things arn't right. What it take to fix it may vary. I am very happy and wish she was to but everything I do seams to make it worse. Stress is hard on both to regardless if it is job, kids, money or the marrige. All I can say is start talking and be honest to each other and get as deep as you can to find the real issues involved. Thats what we plan to start this week.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your feelings are never caused by someone else; they are caused by how you react to the way you are treated. If you feel he is disrespectful, you can choose to insist on respect and stand up for yourself. Sounds like some marriage counseling may help you learn how to speak to him in a positive, communicative way. If you don't like what he is doing, you must communicate it to him. If he doesn't change his behavior toward you, you can choose to stay and get past it (oh, well, sometimes he is just an a$$), or you can choose to leave. Choosing to be unhappy is a choice, too, but not a very helpful one. 

I personally got very tired of things my husband wouldn't change, so I decided to leave. By the time I got to that point, I was so "done" with our relationship that it was a huge relief. I felt I had done all I could, had tolerated the situation as long as I could, and it was ok to move on. I have never once regretted that decision, probably because of all the effort I made first. Our marriage lasted 20 years and most of it was ok. Not more than that, however, and my happiness came from myself and my kids. I did not let his behavior get me down after the first few years. Making a decision to live happily with or without his support allowed me to remain in that situation as long as I did, but when I started wanting more, it meant I had to move on. I knew I couldn't get it from him.

Edit: Depression is not a choice, and I want to clarify what I mean. Not everyone gets depressed in the clinical sense when they are unhappy. It's usually about one's own physiological make up, and how unhappiness can trigger certain biochemical changes that lead to depression. The depression must be dealt with first, and then you can may be able to confront situations where you feel unhappy, or are at risk of feeling unhappy, before they lead you right back down the road to depression. Great job on dealing with your depression. Sounds like you may be out of it enough to think about the situation that triggered it in the first place. Don't settle for unhappiness. Get help to change the situation one way or another and you'll be better off in the long run.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you probably have situational depression.

your husband may not be aware of his behaviour towards you and it's negative impact on you, but he is, simply put, wearing you down, dragging you down, making you feel inadequate and inept at life.

it's easy to see how you fell into situational depression.

it's time to change your marriage before your marriage permanently changes you.

you do not want to end up a few years from now believing all of the negative messages your husband is feeding you.

you must seek couples counseling in order to first learn how to communicate with one another (especially how you can communicate your deepfelt unhappiness to your husband) and second so your husband realizes how his attitude towards you is debilitating.

you sound like you have so much to offer and yes based on what you've mentioned here you most certainly are a catch.

don't falter in that self assessment.

now, get going and start living the life you so obviously deserve!

and pay no attention to the man in the fright wig.:fro:


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## Goodsport (Oct 4, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. All very thoughtful and helpful. 

I actually think PART of what triggered my depression was something as silly as quitting taking my BC pills, which may have affected my hormones. Plus I was trying to diet at the same time. To be clear about my depression, which at 37 I've never experienced anything like - we're talking rocking in a corner, and constantly making excuses to your kids why your makeup is smeared. And worst of all, coming up with ways to not ruin your families lives by making your finale look like an accident. SERIOUS screwed up major depression. 

Depression is humiliating and you don't know if you can trust your feelings on anything. Even though I was way too ashamed to seek help - I think that is the solution. Your wife needs support and help if she is to be a partner to you at all, tryingtocope. My life was a tunnel of suffering for awhile, and it's a weird place to be. This is different than your garden variety misery - it's wishing every moment for an escape route. 

I painted an incomplete picture of my husband. He can be amazing and wonderful. But when he is the dark version of himself, I feel like I just want to leave him today/now. And I don't know if that's because of something in me or something in him.

I'm working on living my life recent cloud. I think I'm slowly getting there. The puzzle pieces are slowly going in the right places in the puzzle. I just need to figure out now if it's my puzzle alone or ours together.


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

there is no point in making yourself depressed, we live our life only once so why to unnecessarily spoil it. be calm and think of ways to make yourself cheerful.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

Goodsport said:


> But when he is the dark version of himself, I feel like I just want to leave him today/now. And I don't know if that's because of something in me or something in him..



it's something in both of you.

your husband has a mean streak, dark side, whatever you want to call it, and that's who he is. he may change, he probably won't.

and you, like most emotionally healthy folk, don't want to be around a guy like that. 

and the longer you're around him the more debilitating his behaviour is to you.



Goodsport said:


> I'm working on living my life recent cloud. I think I'm slowly getting there. The puzzle pieces are slowly going in the right places in the puzzle. I just need to figure out now if it's my puzzle alone or ours together.


just remember to not make a decision based on fear; fear of the unknown and so choosing the comfort of the known, as destructive to you as the known may be.


:cat:


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