# Do People Get "Used Up"?



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I've heard people say things like, "She's all used up." Sometimes comparing a relationship track record to miles on a car. Two cars may look identical and have the same make, model and year, but we all know that the one with 1,000 miles on the odometer is more valuable than the one with 200,000 on it.

Do people get "used up"? If so, in what sense are they "used up"? Unable to pair bond due to too many partners? If sex causes a person to become "used up," does the number of partners matter or the number of sex acts?


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## fto0293 (Mar 21, 2018)

I have also heard people say that, though less and less publicly in modern times. I think talking about people (particularly women, since I've rarely heard this applied to men except for feminists and deliberate contrarians) as if they are used cars (with emphasis on used) is a fast ticket to getting yourself sh*tcanned from your job and ostracized by society in 2019.

Ok, but do people actually believe the conclusions implied by the phrase "used up"? I know that some do and some don't.

For me personally, and I'm going to choose my words carefully to avoid stepping on a land mine:

I think there is a small base level of truth to pair bonding. I can only speak for myself but I have certainly felt deep resonant feelings of pair bonding with people following intimacy, and though I couldn't tell you whether that has a psychosocial or a chemical basis, I can believe it exists and I would have no trouble believing it applies to women as well. There are some pair bonding studies out there but they often get used as bludgeons in gender-based internet arguments. That being said, I'd still be interested to see a link to a good, rigorous pair-bonding study if anyone has one.

In fact, considering I see many women on threads like this in across multiple relationship forums talk about the need for emotional intimacy and safety during sex from their partner, perhaps more so.

I think the ichor here probably comes from the terms "used up", "valuable", etc. and the judgment that implies.

That being said, on the flip side, I have also seen a rise in articles about modern hookup culture and casual sex and how it damages women- many of them from ostensibly feminist-leaning sites- so based on this limited context, I can't help but feel that to a certain extent, women themselves may have reservations about feeling used if they take advantage of freely available casual sex (even though many would argue that it is still their right to have it without being judged- which, for the record, I agree with.) 

To be fair, though, there is probably a world of difference in the valence between a woman feeling "used up" for herself and a man telling her she is "used up". (Also, the social sentiment described by Craig's original post probably puts the onus of being "used up" on the woman's own sexual choices whereas the feminist articles probably put the onus on horny men and judgmental society.)

This topic also reminds me of that Chris Rock bit where he tells men never to ask about their significant other's number of partners because "it's always going to be too high, FOR YOU."

BTW Craig, do you lurk on SI? There was (is?) a 40+ page thread discussing whether one's sexual past is any of their SO's business, and pair bonding and partner counts were the main focus. It went about as well as you would expect for a group of people whose only common characteristic is that the most traumatic experience of their lives was caused by a member of the opposite gender.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

fto0293 said:


> That being said, on the flip side, I have also seen a rise in articles about modern hookup culture and casual sex and how it damages women- many of them from ostensibly feminist-leaning sites- so based on this limited context, I can't help but feel that to a certain extent, women themselves may have reservations about feeling used if they take advantage of freely available casual sex (even though many would argue that it is still their right to have it without being judged- which, for the record, I agree with.)
> 
> To be fair, though, there is probably a world of difference in the valence between a woman feeling "used up" for herself and a man telling her she is "used up". (Also, the social sentiment described by Craig's original post probably puts the onus of being "used up" on the woman's own sexual choices whereas the feminist articles probably put the onus on horny men and judgmental society.)


I think there's a difference between having been "used" for sex, money, business connections, etc. and being "all used up." Everyone agrees that people can be "used."


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

CraigBesuden said:


> Do people get "used up"?


Yes.

Another expression to state this concept is ''inability to pair-bond''. Happens to men, but predominately to women.

Since humans are similar but different, there are no hard/fast rules to determine this. But, there is no doubt it happens.


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## fto0293 (Mar 21, 2018)

CraigBesuden said:


> I think there's a difference between having been "used" for sex, money, business connections, etc. and being "all used up." Everyone agrees that people can be "used."


Agree. There are definitely different object-level meanings of "used" and I suspect some are more salient and painful than others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CraigBesuden said:


> I've heard people say things like, "She's all used up." Sometimes comparing a relationship track record to miles on a car. Two cars may look identical and have the same make, model and year, but we all know that the one with 1,000 miles on the odometer is more valuable than the one with 200,000 on it.
> 
> Do people get "used up"? If so, in what sense are they "used up"? Unable to pair bond due to too many partners? If sex causes a person to become "used up," does the number of partners matter or the number of sex acts?


In my experience the term "use up" is almost always, if not only applied to women.

I don't think people use it to mean that the person is unable to pair bond. I think that it's used to mean that she's devalued as a human because she's like an old, broken down car. It's a form a **** shamming women.


Let's look at 3 groups:

1) There are some women who have had one sexual relationship in their lives, were even married during that relationship. But the relationship/marriage was so bad that when it ends she's unable to ever pair bond. 

2) There are some other women who have multiple sexual relationship, some while married, some while single and over time are unable to pair bond.

3) There are other women (probably a small number) who are never able to pair bond, some even never have any sexual relationships at all.

Now which of these groups of women are typically referred to as "used up"? #2 It's not about pair bonding, it's about the number of sexual partners they have had.

No, people don't get "used up" like a cars, old furniture, etc.

Some people, quite a few actually, have emotional scars because of their life's experiences. That's part of being human.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

CraigBesuden said:


> I've heard people say things like, "She's all used up." Sometimes comparing a relationship track record to miles on a car. Two cars may look identical and have the same make, model and year, but we all know that the one with 1,000 miles on the odometer is more valuable than the one with 200,000 on it.
> 
> Do people get "used up"? If so, in what sense are they "used up"? Unable to pair bond due to too many partners? If sex causes a person to become "used up," does the number of partners matter or the number of sex acts?


* If this truly the posted analogy, then let's just say that I'm a Studebaker with more than a million miles on it, still barely running, not knowing/trusting how much further I can go, and low on all fluid levels.

Please paint me "used!" *


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> Do people get "used up"? If so, in what sense are they "used up"? Unable to pair bond due to too many partners? If sex causes a person to become "used up," does the number of partners matter or the number of sex acts?


If they get "used up," I'd say it's in the sense of being hurt too often to easily recover - not that they couldn't, with the right person.

SEX has nothing to do with it, NEITHER number of partners NOR number of sex acts. IMO, to think otherwise is a personal bias.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Some people, quite a few actually, have emotional scars because of their life's experiences. That's part of being human.


Perhaps the biggest difference is whether someone has, as you said, emotional "scars" or was able to process those experiences and incorporate them in a more healthy manner (learn from them). Obviously heavily traumatic experiences are a different scenario, but there are always degrees and some, based more on their upbringing than the event, who will treat something most would find easily dealt with, in a self-destructive fashion. Such people, men or women, may end up "used up" by life much more readily than others.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@EleGirl gave the best explanation. People don't get "used up" but they are able or not able to pair bond for a variety of reasons.

I had a BF whom I dated for 3 years and broke up with when I realized he was never going to marry me. At the time I thought it was just me, but I later realized he was broken and it had nothing to do with me. After I was married and had children, an old friend told me that he was still single. He had lived with someone after me (I never lived with him) and after several years, she moved out because she realized he was never going to marry her. The last I heard, he was in his 50's and still never married, but had a few girlfriends. My friend said that talking to him you'd think that it was the women's fault he wasn't married.

When I dated him he told me that his parents were divorced, and it hurt him deeply because his dad never visited him after the divorce, and his mother always told the kids that she couldn't date because of them. Ouch! 

He then had a girlfriend (the one before me) who he loved very much, and who cheated on him.

I don't know if he used that girlfriend as an excuse for not being able to commit to another, or if he was broken from his childhood experiences.

I could say he got all used up when the girl cheated on him, but he was probably already damaged and that relationship wouldn't have worked out had she not cheated on him.

If I knew a person who was interested in him at this point, I'd warn them that he is broken and not able to take a relationship to the next level and to avoid him if they are hoping for something that might eventually lead to marriage.

So I don't believe people get "used up" but I do believe that their ability to pair bond can be harmed at some point in their life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> I've heard people say things like, "She's all used up." Sometimes comparing a relationship track record to miles on a car. Two cars may look identical and have the same make, model and year, but we all know that the one with 1,000 miles on the odometer is more valuable than the one with 200,000 on it.
> 
> Do people get "used up"? If so, in what sense are they "used up"? Unable to pair bond due to too many partners? If sex causes a person to become "used up," does the number of partners matter or the number of sex acts?


Human interactions, especially negative ones, can definitely wear someone out.

Intimate relationships leave a mark regardless of positive or negative. 

It is definitely possible for people to be used up and worn out.

It is also possible for people to be refreshed and rebuilt and renewed and regenerated.

I haven't seen that the numbers matter so much. What does matter in renewing somebody is the life that you bring to them.

Mrs. C and I both could have been considered somewhat worn out or used up but we both believed in each other and infused life into each other.

We believed the best about each other and acted like we had won the relationship lottery.

People improve and get renewed when real love is applied.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Human interactions, especially negative ones, can definitely wear someone out.
> 
> Intimate relationships leave a mark regardless of positive or negative.
> 
> ...


*But I feel that's largely contingent upon one's definition of what "real love truly is?"*


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I think it is mostly just a difference in terminology between the sexes. Women are often described as "used up" while men are described as "broken". There is the same lack of worth to or inability to form a meaningful pair bond. 

The question about sexual partners is a bit loaded. If someone (regardless of gender) has had multiple overlapping sexual partners or one night stands it seems like that would be an indication that there is a problem with the pair bonding process for them. The sexual partners aren't the cause of the using up or breaking but a symptom of a preexisting problem.

When I was younger I worked in factories a decent amount and to a certain extent their bodies were used up. Arm, back, and knee problems were common in people out of their thirties and assumed for anyone out of their forties. To a certain extent problems in relationships (any relationships - friends, parents, significant others) can color and damage the way you approach future relationships. You can heal from that hurt but I wouldn't expect the healing to be complete. Like the person who has had broken bones or torn tendons can feel an approaching storm, someone coming from betrayal or a dead bedroom or whatever would feel situations like that differently than someone who hasn't.

As a personal example, I was often the only sober person in the house once my brother and I got to high school. This led me to not rely much on others which hurt my relationship with my ex wife to an extent. She spent a few years working on her plans for leaving while disengaging from the relationship and deflecting suspicion which will reduce my ability to trust in other relationships. My ex was never treated as competent by her parents and her mother has a problem with empathy which manifests itself as insecurity and criticism in my ex (among other things). I don't think we are either of us broken or used up but there are lingering effects (damage?) that will never completely go away.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would think having lots of casual sex would work against serious pair bonding. 

Bonding would becoming more casual, as in having compatibility's in common, not so much chemical bonding after so many sexual encounters. 

With those feel-good chemicals having been used up (joke!) or no longer efficacious at standard dosing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *But I feel that's largely contingent upon one's definition of what "real love truly is?"*


For us, real love is The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit and how we reflect that love towards each other and everyone else.:smile2:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> I would think having lots of casual sex would work against serious pair bonding.
> 
> Bonding would becoming more casual, as in having compatibility's in common, not so much chemical bonding after so many sexual encounters.
> 
> With those feel-good chemicals having been used up (joke!) or no longer efficacious at standard dosing.


Well, if that happens it must be an individual thing and the number of casual encounters before one reaches that point must also vary because I was well into the double digits before I met DH (at 24) and bonded so tightly to him so fast he jokes I imprinted on him like a baby bird.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think of "used up" as in not being to get anymore out of someone. for example, users may want to befriend you to have a look at your network. While you think you're just being friendly, you invite the user around few times. Once they feel that they have secured access to the people that they want to get to know / network with / do business with, you don't hear from them anymore.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Yes, some people are users. When their current partner is no longer of use to them (older, tireder, more distracted by work or children), or they find someone more useful, they drop their partner. That can leave the dropped partner feeling 'used up' especially if they gave all their youthful years to that relationship and expected it to continue into their elderly years.

It's a feeling imposed onto someone by users, and does not reflect other people's opinions.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> *For us, real love is The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit and how we reflect that love towards each other and everyone else.*:smile2:


*Exquisitely and most divinely stated, kind Sir!

My hope is in finding someone who unashamedly and unselfishly adheres to that mantra.

Much like Diogenes in his ardent search for an honest man, (or woman!)*


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

see, I'm not misogynist, I'm used up!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

CraigBesuden said:


> I've heard people say things like, "She's all used up." Sometimes comparing a relationship track record to miles on a car. Two cars may look identical and have the same make, model and year, but we all know that the one with 1,000 miles on the odometer is more valuable than the one with 200,000 on it.
> 
> Do people get "used up"? If so, in what sense are they "used up"? Unable to pair bond due to too many partners? If sex causes a person to become "used up," does the number of partners matter or the number of sex acts?


Yes, people (men AND women) can be "used up". And no, not only because of the amount of sex partners, type of sex acts or anything of that nature. A lot of times it is by emotional and mental scars caused by past trauma.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I have only ever heard the phrase used as a put down to women, basically asserting her only value was her looks and sex so now she has no value. It is usually uttered by a man after the woman has stood up for herself and instituted a boundary he doesn’t like. Sort of like saying nobody else would want her. It is abusive and has nothing to do with number of partners or sex acts - a woman could be married to her abusive one-and-only and have him use the same phrase.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I say this about myself in regard to my XH. I feel I used up all I had available in me to help him and I ran out, or was used up (empty).

It didn’t inhibit me from falling in love again though.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I say this about myself in regard to my XH. I feel I used up all I had available in me to help him and I ran out, or was used up (empty).
> 
> It didn’t inhibit me from falling in love again though.


I feel about the same. My experience with my x broke me in a lot of ways. I met and fell in love with my fiancé but that took years of her patience, counseling, and coming to terms with I am just a different person altered by what I experienced. Thankfully she, my finance, is willing to accept me for what I am and what I have left. She haS the benefit I suppose to have never seen me before in that prior relationship. 

But truth be told I wouldn’t be capable of being in a committed relationship again if my fiancé cheated and left me. I would just be done with relationships.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

59 year old man here.....I've come to the conclusion I'm used up relationship wise.

I'll spare you a life time history story but present day the thought of the energy necessary to be in a relationship is more than I am willing to give. Truthfully it kind of makes me sad but I have come to accept the reality of it. Once in a great while I'll get a spark in me and go on a date or two, but I can't seem to motivate myself to build momentum toward a relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> If they get "used up," I'd say it's in the sense of being hurt too often to easily recover - not that they couldn't, with the right person.
> 
> SEX has nothing to do with it, NEITHER number of partners NOR number of sex acts. IMO, to think otherwise is a personal bias.


I disagree, I think that sex has a lot to do with it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

CraigBesuden said:


> I've heard people say things like, "She's all used up." Sometimes comparing a relationship track record to miles on a car. Two cars may look identical and have the same make, model and year, but we all know that the one with 1,000 miles on the odometer is more valuable than the one with 200,000 on it.
> 
> Do people get "used up"? If so, in what sense are they "used up"? Unable to pair bond due to too many partners? If sex causes a person to become "used up," does the number of partners matter or the number of sex acts?


The answer, of course, is it depends.

For some, the repeated sequence of short term flings ingrains a habit that reduces the likelihood of being able to sustain a pair bond long term, possibly because conditioning strengthens these decision making pathways in the brain. In other words, the reflexive answer is just to jump into a new relationship rather than fix the old one. Relationships become a convenience.

For others, being with enough people gives rise to the awareness that all relationships aren't that different in that they are all somewhat good and bad. You learn to consciously select for the good and wean the bad, until you have one that as Goldilocks would say is "just right." Then you stick with it long-term and don't look elsewhere, because you already know what's elsewhere, and it isn't that good. In other words, you become wise.

I like to think the latter is what my path led me to become. I have literally no desire to go and do something wild and single... because I've done it all (at least for me). I have no desire to go chase a different type... because for the most part I've done them all.

But... if you don't have sufficient experience, you're relying on luck. You might get lucky, or you might not. You might not even recognize the difference. And if other experiences are unknown, it's easy to fantasize and romanticize them. It's the difference between a world-weary traveler deciding to settle down in his home town because he knows it's good and someone never leaving that same small town but never really appreciates it because he doesn't know what the rest of the world is like.


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