# How long does it take to really move on?



## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Hi All, My H has been served and I'm waiting for his response. I was not feeling well about the ending of our marriage. Feeling up and down, sad, free, and grieving. How long did it take you to really move on and not feel this grief? I realize this is mostly trauma bonding for me and that's why I'm having trouble moving on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It depends — because everyone is different. And obviously there are stages of grief which come and go. Some move on quickly and some don’t. In my case, I grieved the end of a very long marriage for about a year before I filed. I was still somewhat sad and angry during the divorce process (a couple of months). By the time my divorce was final I was totally done with grieving and didn’t look back.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> It depends — because everyone is different. And obviously there are stages of grief which come and go. Some move on quickly and some don’t. In my case, I grieved the end of a very long marriage for about a year before I filed. I was still somewhat sad and angry during the divorce process (a couple of months). By the time my divorce was final I was totally done with grieving and didn’t look back.


Thank you. I feel lost, sad and angry at him for betraying me and our family. He seems to have moved on with his GF as if all these years went down the drain. I think it made it harder for me to accept the end of our marriage as I read his texts to her, saying how he is finally free, and how I was evil. And yet, he couldn't see that I put up with all of his deceit and lies.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, they rewrite history. I was married for 45 years to a cheater and although he claimed he loved me and didn’t want a divorce he certainly went skipping into the sunset with his new girlfriend the moment the divorce decree was signed. They’re losers.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Yes, they rewrite history. I was married for 45 years to a cheater and although he claimed he loved me and didn’t want a divorce he certainly went skipping into the sunset with his new girlfriend the moment the divorce decree was signed. They’re losers.


That's horrible! I am so sorry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lostinthelight said:


> That's horrible! I am so sorry.


Thank you. Most of us have sad stories, unfortunately. But it’s what you do with your life after divorce that counts. I’m much happier now. It may take a little time but you will be too.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Thank you. Most of us have sad stories, unfortunately. But it’s what you do with your life after divorce that counts. I’m much happier now. It may take a little time but you will be too.


Yes, I've noticed as I read people's posts. I'm glad you're happier. I need time to heal and find myself. I knew he was wrong for me, but really wanted to see good in him, don't we all?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I haven’t been through a divorce but experienced a few painful break ups before my marriage. I dated some narcissistic men who sound like your soon-to-be-ex husband, OP.

The process of healing is different for everyone but my advice is to just be patient with yourself. What I went through was a process of forgiving myself for not ending things sooner and like you, I held on to hope. Or so I thought. But looking back, I can see now that it was more about my fear of leaving those relationships than it was about hoping in the men to change, if that makes sense. I saw many red flags but was too afraid to move on. And in that, I learned where my fears were coming from and how I could stop being afraid and unsure of myself. 

So, your moving on has little to do with him and everything to do with you, and what you learn about yourself along the way. Just be patient with yourself.

So sorry though that you were betrayed and I hope you find better days ahead, soon. 🌼


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you. I feel lost, sad and angry at him for betraying me and our family. He seems to have moved on with his GF as if all these years went down the drain. I think it made it harder for me to accept the end of our marriage as I read his texts to her, saying how he is finally free, and how I was evil. And yet, he couldn't see that I put up with all of his deceit and lies.


The blameshifting and rewriting history is pretty common. If it was in his power to take responsibility and accountability for his actions, you probably wouldn’t be divorcing a cheater. 

I can relate to the insult of being blamed for everything. It’s deeply offensive. But at some point we have to come to terms with the idea that it doesn’t matter what they believe, only what we believe about ourselves. We have to create a new life, and make it worthwhile. And we have to heal despite the odds and challenges of being betrayed and abandoned. And hopefully, at some point, they (the betrayer and his groupies) lose the power to affect us. 

Stay strong. Do everything you can to heal. You will be ok.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

It took me about a year. I filed. No infidelity, we just weren't quite right for each other. It still sucked and I felt like a failure.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lostinthelight said:


> Hi All, My H has been served and I'm waiting for his response. I was not feeling well about the ending of our marriage. Feeling up and down, sad, free, and grieving. How long did it take you to really move on and not feel this grief? I realize this is mostly trauma bonding for me and that's why I'm having trouble moving on.


If you would have told me back in March this year that I would be divorced and living in my own house today I would have said you were nuts.

but here we are.

seeing the true colors of my exwife has really opened my eyes. I’m still sad it went down like this, but it gets better every day.

I’d be more than happy to be dating someone by the end of this year.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Yes, they rewrite history. I was married for 45 years to a cheater and although he claimed he loved me and didn’t want a divorce he certainly went skipping into the sunset with his new girlfriend the moment the divorce decree was signed. They’re losers.


I was married to a woman for 15 years (together for 20) that told me she's never been in love and doesn't know what love is. That was some interesting new information. Re-write of history? I have no idea. I can't see into her head. Doesn't matter. Still stings the same. I certainly would have liked to know that information prior to marrying her. Oh well. Time to out in the world and find something new for myself.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I haven’t been through a divorce but experienced a few painful break ups before my marriage. I dated some narcissistic men who sound like your soon-to-be-ex husband, OP.
> 
> The process of healing is different for everyone but my advice is to just be patient with yourself. What I went through was a process of forgiving myself for not ending things sooner and like you, I held on to hope. Or so I thought. But looking back, I can see now that it was more about my fear of leaving those relationships than it was about hoping in the men to change, if that makes sense. I saw many red flags but was too afraid to move on. And in that, I learned where my fears were coming from and how I could stop being afraid and unsure of myself.
> 
> ...


You're right. As I read your post, I've never thought about it this way. I was just coming out of my first divorce, when we met online through work. He was so calm and steady and reliable, and most importantly, he was a great listener. He came across as very very soft spoken, and very vulnerable. I had no idea that I was being love-bombed. His vulnerability was very attractive, especially since my ex was very abusive and loud. Soon after marriage, I discovered he was mentally ill as he had trouble connecting to me, he wouldn't communicate for an entire day, then for weeks then for months. He wouldn't talk to my kids with my ex, his excuse was that they didn't want to talk to him. And the list goes on. I realize I didn't give myself time to process the abuse at the hands of my ex, which continued in the courts for years to come. After the birth of our son, he became obsessed with him. He wouldn't let him out of his sight. And it was clear that he was getting his needs met through our son. And that went on for years. He wouldn't give me time with him, even though I pleaded. All he would say was "he's right there". And his anti-social behavior with others was very apparent. At first, I assumed he was on the spectrum but it became clear that his behavior was very selective. He chose to engage and laugh with our son, just not with me. And I continued to apologize for everything, hoping he would realize his behavior had to change. Then I became more resentful and angry, and would lash out at him, which would result in him telling me that he couldn't communicate with someone so angry. But I'm angry because you've chosen to ignore me, make unilateral decisions without discussing it with me. Anyway, I'm rambling. Just trying to understand why I stayed and how I can get over my feelings for him, and see what he's done in the past and now is unacceptable, and not ok. It's been very painful to have to leave our home, scramble to find a place to stay, hire an attorney, etc. all the while, he's telling me he's being amicable.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I was married to a woman for 15 years (together for 20) that told me she's never been in love and doesn't know what love is. That was some interesting new information. Re-write of history? I have no idea. I can't see into her head. Doesn't matter. Still stings the same. I certainly would have liked to know that information prior to marrying her. Oh well. Time to out in the world and find something new for myself.


I’ve discovered that people marry for many reasons and love very often plays no part in it. Your exW may be telling the truth or she may not be. Only she knows how she felt then plus sometimes people are really good at fooling themselves. I no longer put stock in words — I look at actions and if they aren’t what I need then I move on.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

My STBX filed 1 month after my Mom died. Heartless, but definitely helped me move on much quicker.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lostinthelight said:


> You're right. As I read your post, I've never thought about it this way. I was just coming out of my first divorce, when we met online through work. He was so calm and steady and reliable, and most importantly, he was a great listener. He came across as very very soft spoken, and very vulnerable. I had no idea that I was being love-bombed. His vulnerability was very attractive, especially since my ex was very abusive and loud. Soon after marriage, I discovered he was mentally ill as he had trouble connecting to me, he wouldn't communicate for an entire day, then for weeks then for months. He wouldn't talk to my kids with my ex, his excuse was that they didn't want to talk to him. And the list goes on. I realize I didn't give myself time to process the abuse at the hands of my ex, which continued in the courts for years to come. After the birth of our son, he became obsessed with him. He wouldn't let him out of his sight. And it was clear that he was getting his needs met through our son. And that went on for years. He wouldn't give me time with him, even though I pleaded. All he would say was "he's right there". And his anti-social behavior with others was very apparent. At first, I assumed he was on the spectrum but it became clear that his behavior was very selective. He chose to engage and laugh with our son, just not with me. And I continued to apologize for everything, hoping he would realize his behavior had to change. Then I became more resentful and angry, and would lash out at him, which would result in him telling me that he couldn't communicate with someone so angry. But I'm angry because you've chosen to ignore me, make unilateral decisions without discussing it with me. Anyway, I'm rambling. Just trying to understand why I stayed and how I can get over my feelings for him, and see what he's done in the past and now is unacceptable, and not ok. It's been very painful to have to leave our home, scramble to find a place to stay, hire an attorney, etc. all the while, he's telling me he's being amicable.


Ramble as much as you like  That’s why we’re here, to support each other.

You’ll go through a tough process at first, because forgiving ourselves can be the hardest part of breaking up with men like my ex bf’s and your stb-ex husband. They do love bomb, they’re very calculated, these types - and they tend to approach vulnerable women. (And men, there are narcissistic woman out there, too.)

Probably the best thing you can do is not date for a while until you work on grieving your loss and learning more about yourself. I used to only see my value through men’s eyes and much of this had to do with the volatile relationship that I had with my dad. We are way better now but a few years ago, not so much. I don’t want to say that I had “daddy issues,” but I had daddy issues. Lol! It wasn’t that much of a mystery why I was attracted to men who were controlling, stoic and emotionally distant. Narcissistic as well. My husband is nothing like this but I don’t think I would have given him a chance if I had still been the way I was.

You fell in love completely and there is something good about that. That you can love and give of yourself is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, the men in your life haven't appreciated it. That is not you. That is them. I think it's not uncommon to be angry that we fell in love with people who didn't deserve it or whatever, but that part is done. You can't change it. You can only change who you let into your life going forward, and now you know some of the ''signs'' of narcissist/emotionally abusive men.

The greatest lesson I learned and hopefully you will too if this has been an issue for you is that my worth isn’t dependent on what my father, my husband or anyone thinks of me. Of course I want to be loved and appreciated but my self worth is up to me.

I hope that you stay strong - things will get so much better, you’ll see. Just give it time and there will come a day when you don’t even think about your exes. You’ll only be excited for the future


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are in the very early days so don't expect too much too soon. I think you now realize you jumped far too soon into a new relationship and that is a mistake many make.
Hopefully this time you will give yourself a year or two after your divorce is complete before you think of dating again even if you want to.

As to how long it takes that varies tremendously. I had a very sudden and traumatic ending to a 23 year marriage and it took me years. I didn't even think of dating for 4 years and even when I met my now husband after 6 years I was still very much emotionally and physically suffering from it and having been a struggling single mum of 3 for 6 years.
Maybe a short marriage takes less time to get over, it does seem to from what I have seen.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

It takes as long as it takes. There is no guidelines for this


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I was married to a woman for 15 years (together for 20) that told me she's never been in love and doesn't know what love is. That was some interesting new information. Re-write of history? I have no idea. I can't see into her head. Doesn't matter. Still stings the same. I certainly would have liked to know that information prior to marrying her. Oh well. Time to out in the world and find something new for myself.


You know, it's weird but our exes will believe whatever they want about us. Did you feel loved while you were married, at least in the beginning? Then it's okay to believe that you were loved once upon a time no matter what is said now. I know my ex loved me once upon a time. He claims to love me even now. Maybe he does, in his own way, but not in the way that I need or expect. I choose to believe that my ex did love me and that he could not handle it. Love comes with a lot of unwritten rules and unwritten responsibility that most of us intuitively know. Love is supposed to be easy and the sacrifices worth it on some sort of sliding cosmic scale. And if you can't do that then you must never have been in love. At least that is the reasoning some people have. Doesn't make it true. Love is a mess. Sometimes easy and blissful. More often than not hard and sad.

OP, getting over someone is hard. Even though I have moved on I have baggage that I will carry with me. Insecurities that were bred in that marriage that I can't move past. So when you ask yourself if you are ready to move on be specific. Are you missing HIM or just someone to hold you? Do you miss the smell of coffee brewing because he always made you a cup in the morning (as an example) or do you just miss someone thinking about you? What is it about HIM and what is it that could be fulfilled in other ways? I know people who emotionally disconnected before the divorce was final and moved on right away. Others a decade or more.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Thank yo


Erudite said:


> You know, it's weird but our exes will believe whatever they want about us. Did you feel loved while you were married, at least in the beginning? Then it's okay to believe that you were loved once upon a time no matter what is said now. I know my ex loved me once upon a time. He claims to love me even now. Maybe he does, in his own way, but not in the way that I need or expect. I choose to believe that my ex did love me and that he could not handle it. Love comes with a lot of unwritten rules and unwritten responsibility that most of us intuitively know. Love is supposed to be easy and the sacrifices worth it on some sort of sliding cosmic scale. And if you can't do that then you must never have been in love. At least that is the reasoning some people have. Doesn't make it true. Love is a mess. Sometimes easy and blissful. More often than not hard and sad.
> 
> OP, getting over someone is hard. Even though I have moved on I have baggage that I will carry with me. Insecurities that were bred in that marriage that I can't move past. So when you ask yourself if you are ready to move on be specific. Are you missing HIM or just someone to hold you? Do you miss the smell of coffee brewing because he always made you a cup in the morning (as an example) or do you just miss someone thinking about you? What is it about HIM and what is it that could be fulfilled in other ways? I know people who emotionally disconnected before the divorce was final and moved on right away. Others a decade or more.


Thank you All for your input. I'm trying to take it one dat at a time. Some harder some easier.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you. I feel lost, sad and angry at him for betraying me and our family. He seems to have moved on with his GF as if all these years went down the drain. I think it made it harder for me to accept the end of our marriage as I read his texts to her, saying how he is finally free, and how I was evil. And yet, he couldn't see that I put up with all of his deceit and lies.


Ignore his s$!t and know you're doing fine. His loss.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

CountryMike said:


> Ignore his s$!t and know you're doing fine. His loss.


Thank you CountryMike.


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## jppaul5280 (5 mo ago)

I'm at the beginning of this process and it really sucks. I'm sorry I have no advice.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

jppaul5280 said:


> I'm at the beginning of this process and it really sucks. I'm sorry I have no advice.


I'm sorry to hear that you're in the beginning of the process, as am I, and so many on here. Let this group of people how you're doing, reach out, and just keep us informed. Take in people's advice, and use it if it makes sense to our situation. But know that alot of us are going through this, and even though it's not easy, you can do this.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

If you have a DivorceCare group in your area, I would highly recommend it. Being around others going through it really helps. One thing to remember...you are not alone.


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## HopetobeStrong (3 mo ago)

jppaul5280 said:


> I'm at the beginning of this process and it really sucks. I'm sorry I have no advice.


Me too, after 26 years. He told me 3 weeks ago thousands of miles away while I am holidays visiting my family in Taiwan. I am desperate to find support group but due to culture differences, I can only turn to online platforms like TAM. The emotions and paralyzing feelings control my days. I have regrets for the past, worries for now and anxiety for the future. How do people get through this? I find myself buried in all the podcasts and articles about divorce.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

HopetobeStrong said:


> Me too, after 26 years. He told me 3 weeks ago thousands of miles away while I am holidays visiting my family in Taiwan. I am desperate to find support group but due to culture differences, I can only turn to online platforms like TAM. The emotions and paralyzing feelings control my days. I have regrets for the past, worries for now and anxiety for the future. How do people get through this? I find myself buried in all the podcasts and articles about divorce.


You can do this. It’s hard, and you’ll be on an emotional roller coaster but know that you can move on. Try to focus on other good things in your life, and have an attorney, first and foremost.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

HopetobeStrong said:


> Me too, after 26 years. He told me 3 weeks ago thousands of miles away while I am holidays visiting my family in Taiwan. I am desperate to find support group but due to culture differences, I can only turn to online platforms like TAM. The emotions and paralyzing feelings control my days. I have regrets for the past, worries for now and anxiety for the future. How do people get through this?* I find myself buried in all the podcasts and articles about divorce*.


I think everyone does that. I know I did. We feel rejected, discarded and want answers. But we have to realize we may never understand the actions of our spouse. So while it's can be therapy to do research on divorce...read about the process and what to expect for sure...don't overdo it. My STBX was a covert narcissist and I have read so much about it, that it started to overwhelm me. So I stopped. That's what you may need to do. Instead focus on you. Connect with friends and family. Exercise. Take up a new hobby. Go to counseling since talking to an unbiased 3rd party can really help. But put yourself first and stop focusing on stuff you can't change.


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