# Has TAM helped with your marital issues?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Or has it made it worse, or didn't help at all? Or are you here just to see what others have to say and give advice? Just curious as to how "therapeutic" this site is for others. Over the last couple weeks I've been thinking about it and reading what others have had to say about my own minor hangups (And I thank you all who have helped and given great advice and just listened...you guys are great!) and I don't mean this in an overly negative way but since I've come here it's made me realize that my 3 month marriage isn't as great as I thought it was.

Now, I'm not saying I love him any less. I've privately acknowledged whatever issues we have/had but after getting advice and opinions, it makes me feel like I don't have what I should have. Or what I think I deserve. He's a great man and I'm sure it's too early to be saying this and making judgments or I'm just being insecure but hearing what you all have had to say opened my eyes. I now see him as an even more imperfect person. Again, not in a bad way but hearing about some of you guy's successful, happy, seemingly perfect marriages where you guys are for the most part in sync with one another makes me feel kind of jealous. Is this normal? If all this crap made any sense. 

I may sound selfish like he's the one with all the problems and I'm just complaining but this is all just my side of the story. Or maybe I've been thinking a little too much.

Anyway, what are you guy's thoughts on TAM?


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## surething (Oct 13, 2011)

This is my first visit. I ended up here after doing a search on Google re: "Cheating and telling the spouse." I'm glad I've stumbled upon this site. Its a release to know that I'm going thru the same things other people are. It's like a virtual support group...


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I think it has helped me to some degree... for one, it has helped me to see that I am not wrong to expect better behavior on his part about some things. He tends to make me feel like I am unreasonable and now that I know I am not, it helps me feel more justified in standing up for myself.

Also, it helped me to see where I am contributing to our issues, and I am trying to make changes myself too. And it helps me have a safe place to vent and I think it helps me keep my cool at home more.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

surething said:


> This is my first visit. I ended up here after doing a search on Google re: "Cheating and telling the spouse." I'm glad I've stumbled upon this site. Its a release to know that I'm going thru the same things other people are. It's like a virtual support group...


Yes, it's a very good support group where you will get honest answers which I've greatly appreciated. Good group of people here despite a few minor spats here and there. I'm glad I found this site too. It's only been 2 months but I honestly can't remember HOW I found it, haha.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I think it has helped me to some degree... for one, it has helped me to see that I am not wrong to expect better behavior on his part about some things. He tends to make me feel like I am unreasonable and now that I know I am not, it helps me feel more justified in standing up for myself.
> 
> Also, it helped me to see where I am contributing to our issues, and I am trying to make changes myself too. And it helps me have a safe place to vent and I think it helps me keep my cool at home more.


I don't think anyone can come here and leave worse off than when they came. And yup, not only helps with your spouse's issues but also your own and what you bring to the table.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

surething said:


> This is my first visit. I ended up here after doing a search on Google re: "Cheating and telling the spouse." I'm glad I've stumbled upon this site. Its a release to know that I'm going thru the same things other people are. It's like a virtual support group...


come visit us in the coping with infidelity section, I suggest you read my welcome newbie link first


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

This forum has helped me _immensely_. This site has allowed me to explore and experience so many different viewpoints that I can say it has changed my life and my marriage for the better.

I originally came here a year ago when my wife was having 2-3 GNOs a month. We were only a year into our marriage. I was lonely for her and began worrying about infidelity. On this forum, I learned the signs to watch for and the tools to use for investigation and found that I was way off base. I also learned about boundaries, how to set them with my wife and how to handle situations where she crossed those boundaries. Our relationship is much stronger due to what I've learned about this site.

This forum also introduced me to the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". That book honestly changed my life. "Hold On To Your N.U.T.s is also a really good practical guide, and together they have shaped the husband that I try to be.

I do not at all think it's selfish to come to this site and think, "Wow, other people have it this good?!" Not long after joining this forum, I stumbled into the Sex In Marriage section. I was utterly blown away by what I read. Up until that point, our sex life had always been...ok. Once a month (even before marriage), not real spicy. Reading some of the posts here, I thought "Holy sh!t, married people really do have crazy sex!" After reading all that and seeing it as a possibility, my wife and have gone to great efforts to improve our sex life, and improve it has.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

When my wife says I used to be a nice guy, she means before I started reading and posting on this site. The only thing she hates more than men who act like weenies is men who act like men. I think the site should be renamed to "Talk About Divorce" since that seems to be the biggest topic


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. It helped me 'think', in a way.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> When my wife says I used to be a nice guy, she means before I started reading and posting on this site. The only thing she hates more than men who act like weenies is men who act like men. I think the site should be renamed to "Talk About Divorce" since that seems to be the biggest topic


Unfortunately, that's the flip side to the coin. This site can be helpful, but man can it be depressing. Really brings out the cynic in me sometimes. Seems like the majority of posts either evolve into investigations of infidelity or "180, Man Up, And Threaten Divorce", and that can be pretty sobering.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I came to TAM right before my divorce went through so no, it didn't help my marriage issues but it has provided a great outlet. I do love reading and corresponding with others on the site. There are a great bunch of people here.

At times I do feel this place isn't conducive to my own recovery/healing yet I love to offer support/advice and listen others' stories and their advice. 

Also, there are times I feel misplaced here, because of my own history, and I think, I'm not sure it's right for me to be here.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Also, there are times I feel misplaced here, because of my own history, and I think, I'm not sure it's right for me to be here.


I acknowledge that you feel this way but definitely disagree. It is the breadth of viewpoints and experiences that makes this forum so valuable to me. I've read your story (along with many of the other heavy contributors), and I don't think you shouldn't be here because you aren't married currently, or for any other reason related to your past. It is your experiences and current situation that drive many of your contributions here.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I found TAM after W and I reconciled and were well on the road to happiness. It doesn't mean that we are perfect, and I have received good help through some of our stumbling blocks.
However, I have received a bunch of GREAT ideas that have helped my marriage immensely. I also was directed to MMSL and that is one of the greatest sites ever for men.
Remembering the pain and confusion that W and I went through during our problems, I stay here also to try and help others. Maybe I can help make the ordeal a little easier on someone else.
There is also a LOT of great humor here and I love reading about other people's good romance stories.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I lurked on TAM for months before I joined in February 2008 when I felt my marriage wasn't making headway after D-Day 8 months prior. Chris had a momentary lapse of reason and made me a Mod that spring. I learned a lot from the forum at multiple levels. I still do. There are some great members here and it is a great forum for those looking for advice and answers. My wife and I celebrated our 25th anniversary this year and have made a full recovery. While very painful for us both, we came away with a stronger marriage for it. 

During the really tough times in 2008-2009 I relied heavily on the Mods for support and advice. My deepest thanks to Mommy22, Swedish, Chris, Leahdorus and Drac during those dark days, when it really looked like the marriage wasn't going to survive. I credit the Mods and TAM for a good portion of our success.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

TAM has helped tremendously with my marital status... I honestly don't think my marriage would be as enjoyable if it weren't for some of the wisdom and incredible insight on this forum. We have been to professional marriage counseling and quite honestly, there is a wealth of information here that we would not have gotten from counseling alone.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

It didn't help with my marital issues and I'm divorcing, but it did open up my eyes to what was really going on. I learned a lot here and it's been therapeutic for sure. This allowed me a place to vent but also grow and heal. Honestly, though, I have had to take a step back, because it's really sad and depressing here. Amazing to realize what almost everyone goes through. Marriage isn't easy. But that's helped me to reflect on myself and what I look for in a partner. And I've met some great friends here, and turned several of them into real life friends. I will always be grateful to TAM.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TAM has been invaluable in helping me with myself during my divorce. I will continue to use this site as I move forward and perhaps even have another LTR (down the road)!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Looking back - I don't think anything could have saved my marriage. But TAM helped me see that other people were dealing with similar issues. Without what I've learned here, I might still be blaming myself for all that went wrong.

And like Lon - Im curious to see if I can apply what I've learned to any future relationships.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No. But it's comforting to know my situation both more normal and less normal than I believed before.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

We were in-sync for most of our relationship, and then we weren't. We both had to make changes. Every marriage has its ups and downs and as individuals we're also (hopefully) constantly evolving, it takes effort to keep changing and growing together. I realize I had started becoming more about "I" instead of "we" ...and I'm determined to not let that happen again. Reflecting back over the year so far, I feel like an idiot for even getting to that mindset with him. And at the same time I'm so very thankful we both stepped up to help us continue in a way that feels stronger than before. 

TAM has helped me. It opened my eyes to some of the seemingly small things I'd overlooked that are so important to a relationship, it helped me understand his needs more - sure, he'd expressed these to me but in my own emotional murky state, reading certain threads here helped me "get it" more. I started making changes, he made changes too, and together we pulled through and are now stepping to the same beat again. There's a renewed constant awareness between us.

Try not to compare your marriage or husband to posts here. Rather try to learn from the variety of experiences here of what you can do together to help or improve your relationship. 

Why did you come to these boards initially?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YES!

This is the best site of its type. 



heartsbeating said:


> We were in-sync for most of our relationship, and then we weren't. We both had to make changes. Every marriage has its ups and downs and as individuals we're also (hopefully) constantly evolving, it takes effort to keep changing and growing together. I realize I had started becoming more about "I" instead of "we" ...and I'm determined to not let that happen again. Reflecting back over the year so far, I feel like an idiot for even getting to that mindset with him. And at the same time I'm so very thankful we both stepped up to help us continue in a way that feels stronger than before.
> 
> TAM has helped me. It opened my eyes to some of the seemingly small things I'd overlooked that are so important to a relationship, it helped me understand his needs more - sure, he'd expressed these to me but in my own emotional murky state, reading certain threads here helped me "get it" more. I started making changes, he made changes too, and together we pulled through and are now stepping to the same beat again. There's a renewed constant awareness between us.
> 
> ...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> When my wife says I used to be a nice guy, she means before I started reading and posting on this site. The only thing she hates more than men who act like weenies is men who act like men. I think the site should be renamed to "Talk About Divorce" since that seems to be the biggest topic



Are you too manly now?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Or maybe I've been thinking a little too much.


I had another thought. Certainly don't turn a blind-eye to issues that might be arising and if you have found advice here to be helpful then great! But .....if you feel reading this forum is making you doubt your marriage, then maybe it's time to give it a break and place your focus back inwards.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Unfortunatelly i don't see any change in my marriage, but may be it's been only a couple of months.
Just yesterday we were talking about counselling. Actually i talked, he got mad. I said i read in this site, to get help with dealling with our issues. He said i''ve been different since...( for worse for better, don''t know) He refuses working with me, so what''s left for me is TAM ( for better or for worse 
The bottom line is i feel good here, safe, understood(eventhough my first thread has disaster ) I feel i''m not the only one , feel like i have the right to feel good about myself.
So i guess i''ll see you arround more often


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't think we'd have made it without this place.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I had another thought. Certainly don't turn a blind-eye to issues that might be arising and if you have found advice here to be helpful then great! But .....if you feel reading this forum is making you doubt your marriage, then maybe it's time to give it a break and place your focus back inwards.


Thanks, luckily it's not making me doubt my marriage, just an eye opener, similar to a few other people. Helped me so I won't be stuck in the "honeymoon" stage forever. For some things I know what I should do and others I'm still working on. 

Glad most people have a positive experience. I don't reply too much because I'm so very new to marriage so I can't really help people like I'd like to but I read a lot of you guy's posts and how you cope and see what others have to say about your situations.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

This place has been phenominal in so many ways for myslef and my marriage. Mostly it has opened my eyes to the things that I was doing wrong and focus on what I need to do as opposed to her. I am moving in the correct direction, so is my marriage. I have a lot of you on these boards to thank for that.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Thanks, luckily it's not making me doubt my marriage, just an eye opener, similar to a few other people. Helped me so I won't be stuck in the "honeymoon" stage forever. For some things I know what I should do and others I'm still working on.
> 
> Glad most people have a positive experience. I don't reply too much because I'm so very new to marriage so I can't really help people like I'd like to but I read a lot of you guy's posts and how you cope and see what others have to say about your situations.


No offense, but it sounds like you're "thinking yourself unhappy". Don't become so obsessive about whether or not you're achieving maximum happiness that you become unhappy when you think you aren't achieving it. Staying in your own head like that will make you unhappy and will cause you to miss out on the wonderful things going on in your marriage right now.

We've only been married for a couple years. Our honeymoon phase ended when we dealt with our first serious problem as a married couple. While I missed that honeymoon phase, looking back on it, I think it's similar to "the fog" we talk about for wayward spouses in that it's not a true reflection of reality. We're so high off the dopamine release from being married that real life hasn't hit us yet. Now that it has, I have a much deeper satisfaction of seeing my wife and I work toward building our lives together. That's true sacrifice, change, and compromise, which to me, is what marriage is all about.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I use some of the things I read here to start conversations with my husband about our own marriage. I feel like it helps open the lines of communication. I like to see how others deal with issues similar to my own. Also, my husband and I have both reaped the benefits of my lurking around Sex in Marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Davelli0331 said:


> No offense, but it sounds like you're "thinking yourself unhappy". Don't become so obsessive about whether or not you're achieving maximum happiness that you become unhappy when you think you aren't achieving it. Staying in your own head like that will make you unhappy and will cause you to miss out on the wonderful things going on in your marriage right now.
> 
> We've only been married for a couple years. Our honeymoon phase ended when we dealt with our first serious problem as a married couple. While I missed that honeymoon phase, looking back on it, I think it's similar to "the fog" we talk about for wayward spouses in that it's not a true reflection of reality. We're so high off the dopamine release from being married that real life hasn't hit us yet. Now that it has, I have a much deeper satisfaction of seeing my wife and I work toward building our lives together. That's true sacrifice, change, and compromise, which to me, is what marriage is all about.


I don't "think myself unhappy." I didn't mean to give that impression. We're still in the beginning stages I realized that not everything's going to be all happy happy joy joy. I am pretty satisfied, all I am saying is that I am more aware of what types of relationships are out there.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I joined the forum rather quickly, without reading a lot of threads, because I read a few and I just love the subject matter, and I am a member of a few other forums for subjects that really interest me, so it made sense to me to join and share insights with others who are interested in Talking About Marriage.

My closest friends aren't married, or are married but have children and can only talk about their children (it's like they're "over" being married) and in any case, I don't even feel comfortable talking about marital stuff with friends and family. 

I didn't realize until after I'd been posting a little bit that the forum is mainly to talk about infidelity and divorce. If I'd realized that initially, yeah I probably wouldn't have joined. But I'm still glad I did. I like reading about the different situations that come up - I find it all really interesting and there have been a few situations that I've actually been in a position to give some advice on.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I think the reason why I initially came here was just to join a forum to talk about marriage in general. I expected to share happy stories of how we met and stuff...but found it was where we could vent and etc so that's just what I did. I am only 23 and most of my friends are not married or even in a relationship and with me moving 170 miles away I don't really have anyone to talk to about stuff besides my mother and...that's not gonna happen anytime soon! I just wanted to see what else was out there and have seen things that made me smile as well as stuff that I didn't wanna see. Overall I'm glad I found this place. I think it was through google. Weird that I can't remember much since it was just 2 months ago.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well, for me I just stumbled on this site, because I do have a rocky/problematic marriage. It open my mind that there are a lot of people who has more problems in their marriage than I do. I cant call it as a bonus. But a problem is a problem. Its either you face it to get rid of it or face it to solve it. My wife recently noted /found out that I have been posting on this site. She got mad/insulted telling the wholeworld about our problem. But she is not mad telling the whole world at facebook regarding our problem? right? lol! Anyways, for me, its helpful to have friends online that may have the same problems or worst than I do. At least you have different perspective on how to deal with the situation. It can be depressing at times reading all those stories , and uplifting as well for those that had a happy ending. So basically its how you take the post based on your self reflections on wahts happening in your marriage right now. For me, I can say its helping right now, for I can see answers on some of my questions and have inputs on how to tackle my problem/s based on their responses on a more mature way.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

TAM has definitely helped me. My marriage is in trouble and, like most people, I don't want to talk about it to my close friends and family.

I got great advice which helped me avoid critical mistakes. I was able to vent when I needed to. Most of all, I felt the "virtual" love and support from others who have already walked in my shoes.

I am very grateful for TAM.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Same as other people I stumbled on this thread from google searching something along the line of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Classic isn't it?

TAM is more of a double edge sword. It helped me deal with my situation, made me a stronger person (although I'm still not strong enough). The problem is sometimes after reading other people's thread in infidelity section, it made me a very paranoid bastard. I keep thinking my wife is cheating because she does this or that. But in the end, we are still together.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

TAM has definitely helped me along the way of cracking the enigma code of my wife. Let’s face it most everything on here is a script whether its sexless marriages, infidelity or whatever and most people are really not the individual little snowflakes that they think they are so if you read enough of these stories you get a pretty clear idea what is going on in your own situation.

It’s also an incredible place to get an inside behind the curtains view of the inner workings of the female mind. With this information I am able to apply it and be a better mind reader with my zero communications wife. LOL

Cheers,

rotor


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Or has it made it worse, or didn't help at all? Or are you here just to see what others have to say and give advice? Just curious as to how "therapeutic" this site is for others. Over the last couple weeks I've been thinking about it and reading what others have had to say about my own minor hangups (And I thank you all who have helped and given great advice and just listened...you guys are great!) and I don't mean this in an overly negative way but since I've come here it's made me realize that my 3 month marriage isn't as great as I thought it was.
> 
> Now, I'm not saying I love him any less. I've privately acknowledged whatever issues we have/had but after getting advice and opinions, it makes me feel like I don't have what I should have. Or what I think I deserve. He's a great man and I'm sure it's too early to be saying this and making judgments or I'm just being insecure but hearing what you all have had to say opened my eyes. I now see him as an even more imperfect person. Again, not in a bad way but hearing about some of you guy's successful, happy, seemingly perfect marriages where you guys are for the most part in sync with one another makes me feel kind of jealous. Is this normal? If all this crap made any sense.
> 
> ...


Honestly? There are some great people on this board, who have given valuable advice, but this place usually does not make me feel better or worse. I'm just kind of "Eh...."
Some of the advice has helped me and I hope things I have shared has helped others as well.

I would caution you though, on seeking advice and opinions. People mean well when they offer it, but the bottom line is you know your situation the best. It always takes 2 to make a marriage work. I'm not saying everything is equal, but it is never one person's fault.

I would like to know what boards you are visiting because I have yet to come across anyone who makes it sound like their marriages are perfect. Then again, I post mostly in the divorced/separation board.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> I would like to know what boards you are visiting because I have yet to come across anyone who makes it sound like their marriages are perfect.


*DelinquentGurl*, I can't speak for *SepticChange*, but the biggest marriage board in existence (to my knowledge) is The Nest, and there it truly is all puppies and rainbows (and massively dumb drama)... I joined that board but found it to be a sort of "who has the best marriage" contest and it was really annoying. So they are out there.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Walt said:


> TAM has definitely helped me. My marriage is in trouble and, like most people, I don't want to talk about it to my close friends and family.
> 
> I got great advice which helped me avoid critical mistakes. I was able to vent when I needed to. Most of all, I felt the "virtual" love and support from others who have already walked in my shoes.
> 
> I am very grateful for TAM.


Yeah, I'm a big fan of turning to friends and especially family for advice but there are just some things that should stay between you and the spouse...with additional help from randoms on an internet forum , haha.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Honestly? There are some great people on this board, who have given valuable advice, but this place usually does not make me feel better or worse. I'm just kind of "Eh...."
> Some of the advice has helped me and I hope things I have shared has helped others as well.
> 
> I would caution you though, on seeking advice and opinions. People mean well when they offer it, but the bottom line is you know your situation the best. It always takes 2 to make a marriage work. I'm not saying everything is equal, but it is never one person's fault.
> ...



Well hang out more outside of the divorced/separation board and you may see more positive. Of course no marriage is "perfect" but I've seen a few people in here who are very happy and seem to make their marriage work very well with just a few minor hiccups here and there. Not everyone that comes here is worse off.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

omega said:


> *DelinquentGurl*, I can't speak for *SepticChange*, but the biggest marriage board in existence (to my knowledge) is The Nest, and there it truly is all puppies and rainbows (and massively dumb drama)... I joined that board but found it to be a sort of "who has the best marriage" contest and it was really annoying. So they are out there.


Something tells me I should stay away from The Nest lol.


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