# How men deal with anger



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Is it healthy or unhealthy for a man to withdraw from his partner when he is angry at her? If it is unhealthy, how should the subject be approached? If unhealthy, should this be a deal-breaker in a non-marriage relationship?

According to askmarsvenus.com, " In healthy relationships, men do not pull away out of anger or frustration about their relationship." True or false?

UPDATE: More information further down the thread.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I try to withdraw from everyone when I'm angry. I don't think as clearly when I'm angry and it's not helpful or even fair to deal with people angry when I can help it. I try to cool off before discussing whatever's bothering me. 
If you mean refusing sex or other typically expected forms of affection when I'm angry, I don't do that. I've vowed to be certain things for my wife and there was no qualifier excusing me from my vows on the days I happen to be angry. I feed my kids even when I'm unhappy with them, too.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No expert, can only give my experience. My ex could never express anger, he would always withdraw. This led to a total lack of communication, I would leave him be because I am not a fighter. So the nett result was that we didn't resolve issues.

My partner is quite different, he has never been angry with me but he sure has been frustrated. The difference is that he meets the challenge head on and he engages me in discussion. We resolve things and then we end up bonding more because we overcome things together.

He has on a few occasions been very angry with his ex and I am his safe haven, he talks, I listen then we discuss it if needed. He feels safe with me and I am a calming influence. So he never withdraws no matter what the cause of his anger or frustration. He has a high EQ and a drive to face things head on and learn from them, whereas my ex was the opposite.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Askvenus is run by idiots.

If I'm angry there is no discussion, just anger no resolution possible.

I need to withdraw until I can calm down and act rationally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Sounds like another place telling you that men are supposed to be women. I know when I am angry, I withdraw too until I can think things through and discuss them rationally.

I suppose they also say that men doing laundry and dishes and putting their woman on a pedistal is the way to go as well?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Agree with everyone else my husband withdraws when he's angry. He comes back when he's calmed down.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Askvenus is run by idiots.
> 
> If I'm angry there is no discussion, just anger no resolution possible.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Sometimes its best to withdraw and keep your peace or you might go nuclear.
I don't mean to withdraw and be resentful, but allow some space for rational analysis of the situation.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

The difference here is that the men that have answered say they withdraw and then resolve when cooled down. Great. the issue with my ex was that he would withdraw and then forget about it and not resolve anything.
The Op does not make it clear if they meant withdrawing and then resolving or withdrawing completely and never resolving the issue.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Holland said:


> The difference here is that the men that have answered say they withdraw and then resolve when cooled down. Great. the issue with my ex was that he would withdraw and then forget about it and not resolve anything.
> The Op does not make it clear if they meant withdrawing and then resolving or withdrawing completely and never resolving the issue.


That's where he needs some help.

When he's calmed down approach him as nicely as you can and try to talk about it as calmly as possible

Let him know it needs to be addressed soon.

If he continues to become angry over it then he's got big problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Is it healthy or unhealthy for a man to withdraw from his partner when he is angry at her? If it is unhealthy, how should the subject be approached? If unhealthy, should this be a deal-breaker in a non-marriage relationship?
> 
> According to askmarsvenus.com, " In healthy relationships, men do not pull away out of anger or frustration about their relationship." True or false?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps they meant it in the sense than men can be angry and yet, still acknowledge their love for their wife rather than shutting her out emotionally? 

In general, that's a decent site, but temporary withdrawal is healthy if it can prevent arguments from escalating and can help the parties cool off and come back to work things out.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I was told by a counselor a few years ago, its ok to walk away and cool down from a disagreement. However, you need to both come back to the issue at hand after a bit and go from there. Its never good to walk away and not return to it, especially if its something that in fact needs to be dealt with, because if you don't return to it after things have cooled down, then at some point that issue will rear its ugly head again. 

Now withdrawing for days on end and giving someone the silent treatment is another issue, that is not healthy mentally or emotionally and be quite damaging.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

If withdrawing means giving the silent treatment to avoid saying anything that might be regretted later then yes, same at my house. Usually he goes for a drive and comes back to play his video games then starts talking as if nothing happened.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> If withdrawing means giving the silent treatment to avoid saying anything that might be regretted later then yes, same at my house. Usually he goes for a drive and comes back to play his video games then starts talking as if nothing happened.


He doesn't want to deal with things, and thats not good, because it will resurface later.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

He told me he deals with things by brushing them off. Not in my house!


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Yeah I know. But I do it myself on occasion and it calms me down.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I've rarely ever seen my husband angry. He's an extremely easy going guy. When he does get mad, he talks it through until the issue is solved. 

My husband exercises to relieve stress.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Beer, marijuana. I heard those help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

With me I become very quiet. My wife used to think I was pouting but that is not the case. She has learned this now. I think it is very much dependant on your personality type. I could be wrong. SA would know the answer to that. 

I am a very long suffering guy and am able to put up with a ridiculous amount of s**t before I get mad but once i get there I aint coming down soon. I have to process all my feelings and that takes a while. But the bright side is it is almost impossible to get me that way.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I deal with "anger" directly... I don't yell or scream but I will let my wife know in a calm collected voice when she makes me upset at ANYTHING! I do not hold back anymore... this is a direct result of a sexless marriage.

AS for long-term unresolved issues like regular sex... I figured I mentioned it more than enough over the past few years and now its her turn to do something about it.

I do act different than when NOT sexually fulfilled by her. Not to the point of ignoring her needs but things do go undone around the house and financially that I know I should do more regularly.... and did prior to sexless. Now I put stuff off... for instance I usually have taxes done in Feb... haven't even started them yet. I used to mow the lawn every week now maybe once a month. I use to change the oil every six months now a year.

Why.. because I don't feel like it.

So once she sees sex as a regular item then I'll see those items as regular also. In effect our marriage is not ideal, well tuned and optimal due to the lack of a perceived and widely accepted marital need.... so again its her turn. She gets less than if I were sexually satisfied by her. Actually much less to even it out because otherwise I'd feel used and build resentment. Two can play the game.

I also tune her out when shes angry and just let it slide off like a ducks back feathers.

I guess the moral.. is Men do deal with anger sometimes in abstract ways to the woman. When a wife makes a husband angry there will be a response.... either overt or covert.

Its all cause/effect. She can improve things I'm waiting on her. I don't drink or do drugs. I deal with the situation in the best way I can.... and try to stay sane.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> :slap: That will help.  :scratchhead:


Never met a angry pothead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Thanks you all for your responses...I suspected that some distancing is normal for most men, albeit not ideal.

A little clarification on my particular issue: this man is a long distance BF, and I am asking more so that I can figure out what I need in a relationship rather than whether this guy will be it for me. Though certainly I am evaluating him as such.

Three nights ago I said something insensitive. I didn't realize it at the time, and he got very quiet and got off the phone rather quickly. The next night he didn't call like usual. I texted him and he was very short; said he didn't want to talk. I knew something was up but wasn't sure what exactly, only that I had pissed him off somehow.

Last night, again he didn't call. I texted and he admitted he was still a little mad and I got.him to tell me what specifically angered him. It was something insensitive I had said, but not earth shattering. He did not want to talk on the phone until be got over being mad. He said he would get over it, and I apologized and told him the silence is hurtful, but it has been three days already and I'm the kind of person to want to resolve issues right away, I don't know if this reaction is normal.

When he is ready to talk again, I think I will approach the troubling withdrawal behavior in a non threatening way. Regardless of whether this relationship is salvagable, which I hope it is as he is mature in so many other ways, I just don't think I can see myself marrying someone who withdraws when angry. If it is normal behavior for a lot of men though, I may have to deal with it with whomever I end up with.

Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Never met a angry pothead.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never met my ex then

When he was angry he would just explode - absolutely no reasoning with him, he would rant and rave for however long then act like nothing had happened

the only way to deal with him was to disappear and not incur his wrath

He was a massive pothead - but then at least he wasn't a sulker


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

I withdraw. A man can not possibly ever, never in this world get anywhere with a woman when He is angry. That is the best way to lose a fight the fastest and accomplish nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Three nights ago I said something insensitive. I didn't realize it at the time, and he got very quiet and got off the phone rather quickly. The next night he didn't call like usual. I texted him and he was very short; said he didn't want to talk. I knew something was up but wasn't sure what exactly, only that I had pissed him off somehow.
> 
> Last night, again he didn't call. I texted and he admitted he was still a little mad and I got.him to tell me what specifically angered him. It was something insensitive I had said, but not earth shattering. He did not want to talk on the phone until be got over being mad. He said he would get over it, and I apologized and told him the silence is hurtful, but it has been three days already and I'm the kind of person to want to resolve issues right away, I don't know if this reaction is normal.
> 
> When he is ready to talk again, I think I will approach the troubling withdrawal behavior in a non threatening way.


Three days of sulking and counting? It needs more explanation.

That's a very strong reaction, like a lifetime-memorable thing for me. 

What seems trivial to one person might have deep meaning to another, especially as it pertains to things like religion or culture or race - if I had EVER said something negative towards her people my wife would have dropped me cold. And there are people who inadvertently show bigotry without realizing they are doing it.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm sure it upset him legitimately, but it was nothing like that. A few months ago his mother did or said something that upset him, and he ignored her calls for a week. Only touched base with his dad occasionally to make sure everything was ok as she is in poor health. It is hard for me to understand this behavior, as I don't hold grudges and forgive quite easily (for my own well being and others'.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> I'm sure it upset him legitimately, but it was nothing like that. A few months ago his mother did or said something that upset him, and he ignored her calls for a week. Only touched base with his dad occasionally to make sure everything was ok as she is in poor health. It is hard for me to understand this behavior, as I don't hold grudges and forgive quite easily (for my own well being and others'.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Punishes his sick mother. 

He'll do the same to you and the same to the children. Not just when you are healthy like now. Like when you or they are in the hospital.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I have had a rough few days, focusing on detaching emotionally from this man. I did not contact him all weekend but decided tonight that I had had enough stonewalling and that it would be best for me to cut my losses if he would not discuss whatever was bothering him in a mature and healthy manner. I had very little hope of course.

He would not speak by phone, which was the first indication that nothing had changed. I was extremely neutral in my conversation, explaining that this was not working and I will admit, I did attempt to ask a few questions to find out what on earth caused this complete reversal of our relationship. For four months almost every night this man has shared his life with me, and I him. There were feelings shared and talk of a future (which I took with a grain of salt, as I've learned a lot here at TAM.)

Well, he continued to stonewall, not giving me any information and being generally defensive yet in complete denial (he said he was "not in emotional pain" and not even angry at me, just annoyed at my insensitive comment that triggered this whole mess.) I thought, why stonewall me if you aren't even mad at me? None of it made any sense! His comments reflected low self esteem and he would not admit to wanting to "break up" or stay together. As if he were waiting for me to either dump him or profess my undying love.

The oddest part is that after it was over, not only did I feel more confused as ever, I felt like the man I knew was GONE and aliens had replaced his body with someone else's. The man I knew one week ago IS NOT IN THERE. Last week he was like any guy in love, calling me by a pet name and talking about a summer visit; this week he couldn't care less about me yet doesn't want to end the relationship. 

It then occurred to me -- is this a personality disorder or bipolar? Were his seemingly undying feelings for me (and attraction, he told me I am a 9.5 but I am definitely a proud 7, that always felt fishy) classic idealization, and this devaluation? I recognize that I can not continue a relationship with this man. But for my own understanding and healing, can anyone shine a light on this bizarre experience?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Whether or not he has a full-blown PD, he certainly does seem to have some _traits_: the idealization followed by devaluation, the serious holding of grudges for two. He sounds emotionally stunted at the very least. 

I don't think this would be considered a gender-specific way of dealing with anger. I think this is his issue.

Sorry, MA, it is difficult to have feelings for someone, then to find yourself sitting there like a tornado blew through, saying to yourself WTF just happened? I'm glad you found out now, before you invested any more time and emotion, or perhaps even met in person.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> The oddest part is that after it was over, not only did I feel more confused as ever, I felt like the man I knew was GONE and aliens had replaced his body with someone else's.
> 
> It then occurred to me -- is this a personality disorder or bipolar?


This is more common in long distance relationships because it is so much easier to put up a front. 

It is less important to have a clear diagnosis and more important to acknowledge this person is not firing on all cylinders. It should also give you pause about how you approach long distance relationships. 

I see this in immigration for marriage fora where people carry on an internet romance and really don't have any face-time with the person, their family, their neighborhood and friends - a lot of risk in that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> With me I become very quiet. My wife used to think I was pouting but that is not the case. She has learned this now.* I think it is very much dependant on your personality type*. I could be wrong. SA would know the answer to that.


 Some temperaments are far less patient combined with vocal ....these ones need the fresh air, time out to cool down....or they will blow their top.... And some hate conflict so much they are like Turtles & go into their shells....

It is often helpful here when opposites can work this to their benefit...where the more vocal one who takes initiative will * extract* the inner anger out of the other....and get the issue on the table... if they both can handle effective "interdependent" communication, that is... not a war zone & blame shifting ....but owning their own faults.

Great article here >> Communication - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE



> I am a very long suffering guy and am able to put up with a ridiculous amount of s**t before I get mad but once i get there I aint coming down soon. I have to process all my feelings and that takes a while. But the bright side is it is almost impossible to get me that way.


 My husband is long suffering too...(Helps when you have a slew of kids in the house)... I've seen him more angry over some of the shenanigans that goes on at his work place -over anything. I'll do my best to soothe that when he gets home, he does VENT to me....and I want that - encourage that. 

He's  a little different from You Stonewall...When it happens, he is relatively very quick to make up, forgive & wash it in the ocean... I can not even recall a time where a fight ..or his upsetness lingered ...it just doesn't happen. Not his anger... maybe a little hurt...but not his anger....

When either of us are upset.....we throw ourselves together.... and talk ... if we stare at each other with a scowl on our faces for an hour  -that's what we'll do, eventually some crack gets in there and we make light of the stupidity of the fight --and we make up...
Once we talk it out, it was like it never happened, sunshine again







.... We process those feelings together...side by side...face to face.. so when we reach that place of Peace with each other, a resolution...it's released in his brain. I am the same way...so once something is talked through...there is no holding on to it.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I think its healthy for a man to stop, drop and roll when he's heated about something. It's imperative that we take a moment to intellectually challenge our feelings and make sure we are not suffering from *"If I feel it then it must be true" *syndrome.

Unfortunately you have some spouses/partners/friends with personality types that will literally hunt you down for the kill in this delicate state not letting you process the emotion properly further escalating the issue. Just let the man process the feeling and reconvene for further discussion.


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## heinekin (Mar 28, 2013)

your question "Is it healthy or unhealthy for a man to withdraw from his partner when he is angry at her?"

it seems that your looking for specific answer.
in my life experience, i have withdrawn from my wife when i was angry, and even when i wasn't angry i have withdrawn from my wife. in both cases, i never judged my actions by "healthy vs unhealthy". it just feels natural. in both cases, i love her.

" In healthy relationships, men do not pull away out of anger or frustration about their relationship." True or false?
False! 
this statement is so ridiculous that it must come from the govenment.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

My situation us quite clearly about this particular guy, not the fact that he is male. Once I saw after five days of stonewalling that he is still in denial of how he is ruining our relationship (or aware but hiding it), I will not reengage him. Right now I am feeling depressed simply from the perceived loss of love. Going from a secure, loving place to where he seems completely indifferent to me overnight is mind boggling. I'm not sure I will ever make sense of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry, MA. Situations like this, without closure, are really difficult. Especially so since you're at a distance. I think a few of us here can understand that. I hope you feel better soon. You can always PM or FB me if you want.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Stop looking for excuses for his behavior by self diagnosing him. He's shown you who he is, believe it.

You also should not have been the one to contact him, especially after what he said to you. It was childish.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MyselfAgain,
My quick temper has sometimes been problematic in life which is why this topic is near and dear to me. 

Anger tends to be physiologically different for men and women primarily due to testosterone and adrenaline. The gold standard for a man is this:
1. Don't say anything of consequence in anger. 
2. Don't be a jerk about how you withdraw from a conversation once you have 'lost your cool'. A simple comment works: I'm not in a frame of mind to continue this conversation. I'm going to go for a walk, and we can revisit this when I return. 
3. Once calm (for most men this is under an hour for normal stuff) an honest assessment needs to happen:
- What's the real cause of the conflict?
- How confident are you that the other person agrees with you on the root cause? 
- How important is it?
- Are you - and your partner fighting fair (there are healthy rules of engagement for conflict that are easily googled)?
- What does a good/fair resolution look like to you? 

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As a man, you absolutely have the right to end a conversation once you are 'flooded', as there is little chance you can execute the above steps while angry. In fact, continuing to argue while flooded almost always produces a bad outcome. 

If your partner attempts to force a continuation the conversation after you have said you need a break, you have an obligation to yourself to put a closed door or a large distance between the two of you. 

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It is also true that once you are calm and have decided how to proceed you should not leave your partner hanging. 

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Example
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During normal conversation (not an argument) your partner makes an insensitive comment that floods you. For this example we are talking Hurtful - but not hateful. 

Gold Standard
Long pause, followed by some variation of: 
- Repeat what they just saidto you, back to them, so they can hear it with a little pain in your tone of voice. 
Or 
- That will leave a mark (quote from a movie - Tommy Boy - right after his best friend hits him in the head with a plywood 2 by 4. 

Copper 
- I need to jump, I'm not in a good frame of mind. 

And then when you are calm you explain what happened. 

Harmful 
- Quickly end the conversation 
- Decline repeated attempts by your partner to find out why you have disengaged
- After several days, re-engage and explain. 



MyselfAgain said:


> Thanks you all for your responses...I suspected that some distancing is normal for most men, albeit not ideal.
> 
> A little clarification on my particular issue: this man is a long distance BF, and I am asking more so that I can figure out what I need in a relationship rather than whether this guy will be it for me. Though certainly I am evaluating him as such.
> 
> ...


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