# Fiance wants me to choose between her and my father.



## ataloss12 (Jan 13, 2012)

Ok, so my then girlfriend and now fiance moved into a house with my Father last April. He had recently lost his job and we needed to move as well so it sounded like a good idea. It would give him time to get back on his feet and we could live in a a nicer place for cheaper rent. It is now January of the following year and the lease is up this April. 
Over the months my fiance has become increasingly irritated with my father because he is around so much. At first she was just "secretly" annoyed, but over time this has turned into her almost completely disassociating herself from him. She basically doesn't acknowledge that he is there unless he speaks directly to her. Not even simple courtesies like "hello". This makes things hard on me and our relationship. First off, yea. I acknowledge that is can be annoying having him around so much, but what is someone who is unemployed supposed to do? Second, it cramps our relationship because she becomes a closed book anytime he is in the room. I'm sure he can sense her discontent, and has been isolating himself primarily in his office for a while now. Basically, I can handle my dad being around. He's family. I don't want to see him on the street or struggling. My fiance and I are on track to transfer to a four year university in a little less than 1.5 years. Tonight before bed, my fiance told me that she couldn't do it anymore and we HAD to move out when the lease is up. To me, this makes no sense financially. We are getting married in July and need to be saving all the money we can for the wedding. We are transferring in a little less than 1.5 years so moving ANOTHER time before we transfer doesn't make sense. Worst of all (for me at any rate) is that we basically just cast my dad out to fend for himself. I know, he is a grown man, but in this economy, for a 56 year old in the computer tech field, it's friggin hard to find a job, and he hasn't found one yet. Unless something dramatically changes my fiance will move out in April; with or without me. 
My fiance and I have had our rough times in our relationship, but I love her. We are a for each other. Over these last couple of months I have become irritated with her over the way she treats my dad. It makes me not like her because she acts like such a child. I understand her irritation that he is around so much, but he is never anything but pleasant to us. He doesn't deserve to be treated like a second rate citizen. Her acting out like that really makes me question whether or not we should get married. Granted, this is not the easiest time of our lives, but to me it's not worth setting ourselves back so much so we can go live alone for a year and then move again when we transfer. Plus booting my dad out to fend for himself. I may be more family oriented than some, but to me protecting family is paramount. It's either move out in April and feel really bad about it and resent my fiance for it or don't move out and risk her moving out anyways. 

What's your take on this?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She's annoyed that your Father is "around" so much in his own home?


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## ataloss12 (Jan 13, 2012)

Yea, don't get as much alone time as she'd like. Since he's unemployed, he doesn't go out very much. But yes, it is his home too. He's sort of quirky and I think his personality annoys her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ataloss12 said:


> Yea, don't get as much alone time as she'd like. Since he's unemployed, he doesn't go out very much. But yes, it is his home too. He's sort of quirky and I think his personality annoys her.


Can't the two of you go to your bedroom to get alone time?

It does not sound like he's overly intrusive. The choice is to throw him out on the street and that's ok with her?

In this economy there are more and more multi generational households out there. I would not have been able to throw either of my parents out on the street. 

This is a real test of what she is made of.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This is a real test of what she is made of.


I agree. 

If she cant handle a couple of years of living in slightly less than ideal circumstances. How will she handle all of the other, much tougher, moments throughout the rest of your marriage?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think her reaction is reasonable.

In a relationship with a woman, it is always extremely important to demonstrate that she, and her concerns and feelings, matter more to you than any other person.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I also think her reaction is understandable. This is a time for two young people to get to know each other in a lot of ways. Not the least of which, wild monkey sex on the kitchen table. And having the FIL there 24/7 is going to cramp things severely.

Does your dad understand the situation? Is he actually looking for work? It's only going to get harder for him to find something as time goes on. Maybe it's time for some retraining or a career change? Could he make an effort to be out of the house a night or two a week? You make it sound like he's a shut-in hermit type, though... Can your dad find another room mate? What about other family?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Hicks said:


> I think her reaction is reasonable.
> 
> In a relationship with a woman, it is always extremely important to demonstrate that she, and her concerns and feelings, matter more to you than any other person.



Does your dad have parties or wander in his underwear? Does he snoop through her underwear drawer? Drink milk from carton? Open her mail? Seriously, is he doing anything that would need to be addressed?
If there is something reasonable and specific, then address it. If the fact he's breathing her air annoys her, then let the diva go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'll take her side. I allowed my MIL to live with us for a year. It's not fun people.... Kills intimacy, makes you feel like you're being "watched" all the time even if they're doing nothing wrong. I tolerated it because we were married and I knew she didn't have anywhere to go, but by the end of the year I was ready to issue an ultimatum.

She signed up to marry and live with you, not your dad. She's smart to bring this up now instead of later. This will only get worse if you get married.

It's not a "he's selfish" or "she's selfish" argument. It's a fundamental difference in how you view this sort of thing. If it's a dealbreaker for her it's a dealbreaker for her. If it's a dealbreaker for you it's a dealbreaker for you. Talk about it. Discuss it. If you can't come to an acceptable compromise, then consider yourself lucky that you found out before you tied the knot.

edit: Reread the post. He's been living there for a year and you want to extend that to 2.5 years? Sweet sh*t man what kind of woman would sign up for that? Read the sex boards on here, do you know how hard it is to keep a sexually satisfying marriage? You think your soon to be wife is going to want to get her freak on with your dad in the other room?

Let me paraphrase, would you sign up for 2.5 years of living with your MIL? I think she's a champ for dealing with it for so long. You're supposed to be in the thralls of your relationship and she's having morning coffee with your pops every day.

If you're dad's really in dire straights and has no other friends or family to take care of him and he is really looking for a job and can't find one, that's your personal issue. That's a lot to ask for an unwed partner to sign up for though, how long will it last if it's already been a year with no signs of letting up?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

There are two seperate issues here, I think. Yes, I think it is understandable that she would not want to share the place with someone who is also close to you. 

But the seperate issue is how she treats your family member, or a person you love in a conditional way. Think about how other people tend to address a situation like this. Some cultures accept it well. At a minimum, a person with something approximating empathy will be able to seperate the person from the situation. But she is choosing to turn into a cold freezer when your dad is around. All I'm saying is that I hope she always feels the warm fuzzies for you, else you better bundle up and be prepared for the cold. In the end, if she would turn her own mom and dad out on the street, then at least she is consistent. Maybe consistency is enough.

What I'm getting at is that she seems to find it impossible to seperate the person from the situation. You can end the situation while still loving the person. Sadly, though, such superficial emotions are not always consistent. She might respond completely different if it were someone from her own family.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Halien said:


> There are two seperate issues here, I think. Yes, I think it is understandable that she would not want to share the place with someone who is also close to you.
> 
> But the seperate issue is how she treats your family member, or a person you love in a conditional way. Think about how other people tend to address a situation like this. Some cultures accept it well. At a minimum, a person with something approximating empathy will be able to seperate the person from the situation. But she is choosing to turn into a cold freezer when your dad is around. All I'm saying is that I hope she always feels the warm fuzzies for you, else you better bundle up and be prepared for the cold. In the end, if she would turn her own mom and dad out on the street, then at least she is consistent. Maybe consistency is enough.
> 
> What I'm getting at is that she seems to find it impossible to seperate the person from the situation. You can end the situation while still loving the person. Sadly, though, such superficial emotions are not always consistent. She might respond completely different if it were someone from her own family.


Having lived through the experience I can say it is very difficult, when you are trying to live your private life, to have a constant guest in the house. Towards the end of my MIL living there I started acting very distant to her. I was tired and ready for her to leave. It's hard keeping up pretenses FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. It doesn't mean I would kick her out or didn't care about her, but not feeling like you have a sanctuary at the end of the day can wear on you.

Imagine if every day one of your friends came over to your house and had a sleep over. Even if you really liked them, it gets old and tiring after a while. I would think most people would have a similar issue if placed in that position. I don't think it makes you cold.

We're also only hearing his side of the story. Maybe he acts differently around his dad? Maybe his dad is annoying in some way? I know my wife acted totally different around her mom, so that definitely added to the resentment factor in the situation.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

COguy said:


> Having lived through the experience I can say it is very difficult, when you are trying to live your private life, to have a constant guest in the house. Towards the end of my MIL living there I started acting very distant to her. I was tired and ready for her to leave. It's hard keeping up pretenses FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. It doesn't mean I would kick her out or didn't care about her, but not feeling like you have a sanctuary at the end of the day can wear on you.
> 
> Imagine if every day one of your friends came over to your house and had a sleep over. Even if you really liked them, it gets old and tiring after a while. I would think most people would have a similar issue if placed in that position. I don't think it makes you cold.
> 
> We're also only hearing his side of the story. Maybe he acts differently around his dad? Maybe his dad is annoying in some way? I know my wife acted totally different around her mom, so that definitely added to the resentment factor in the situation.


The OP indicated that his father seemed to be trying not to impose or take up too much of their time. Still, I know that no two people will see a situation like this the same. As EleGirl stated, I think it is a test of character. My wife had almost every family member live with us at one time or another. My mother lived with us. Yes, it got old, but we tried to follow the advice of our pre-marital counselor, and not let the situation make us turn cold to the family member within the situation.

Think about what he is describing as her response. Now, imagine if it were her mom living there. The test of her character is if she will strive for similar empathy. In a long, long marriage, the OPs wife will find times where even he appears to her as the 'dreaded occupant' in her home. You should at least ask if her response is typical for a mature adult, with empathy, and a modicum of respect for her husband's family. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. I was only trying to point out that the OP seemed somewhat worried about more than just the situation of having another person living in the house. Seemed to wonder if her response was loving, or not. Personally, I've found it harder to develop long relationships with people who can shut down to deep freeze when a situation becomes stressful. Seems pretty casual, considering that her husband's father, the father of the man she chose to spend the next 40 or more years with, might be homeless as a result of one year of being in a shared home. But again, I come from a native american culture, where this would be pretty abnormal to kick out a family member.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Halien,

That's where I was going with my first post. It might just come down to a fundamental disagreement on what kind of family life they both will allow. What bothers me is to see the judgement of the woman. She's opened her home for a year, with the expectation it continues for another year and a half. She's been cordial but has obviously had enough, and is now making it known. That doesn't make her cold or a bad person in my book. She's mature enough to know that she can't handle it anymore and needs a change. I wish more people were that honest.

What would be far more dangerous is for her to continue harboring resentment and not bringing up her feelings in the matter. Ataloss at least knows where he stands and has all the facts up front. Where they choose to go from here is a joint decision that won't be swept under the rug.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I must agree w/ COguy. The Father's situation is tragic but there must be someone else he can stay with after all this time. These first years of your relationship are critical for your future... this is supposed to be the infatuation phase of your relationship where you are both wildly in love and experiencing each other in so many intimate ways. All of that has been put on hold now because of your parent living with you. And the reality is if you don't change this situation soon then this phase may not be on hold for much longer, but rather lost forever.

You're missing out on some serious critical time with your fiance... and your fiance is being cast into a situation where she has no space or time to herself or with you. Even if your Father is in the other room, he's still there and his presence alone is an intrusion to the environment.

Your fiance's reaction is quite understandable to me... she's been quite accommodating already but she's reaching her breaking point and if you truly love her then you need to respect her feelings and do something about it. This is the person you are promising to spend the rest of your life with, so she needs to know that you are going to focus on her needs first because she will become your new and most important family first and foremost.

When you marry someone, they must become your #1 priority. You need to start thinking about your fiance's happiness as your most important goal now, and let your Father figure out where he needs to go next.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

COguy said:


> Halien,
> 
> She's opened her home for a year, with the expectation it continues for another year and a half.
> 
> ...


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> I must agree w/ COguy. The Father's situation is tragic but there must be someone else he can stay with after all this time. These first years of your relationship are critical for your future... this is supposed to be the infatuation phase of your relationship where you are both wildly in love and experiencing each other in so many intimate ways. All of that has been put on hold now because of your parent living with you. And the reality is if you don't change this situation soon then this phase may not be on hold for much longer, but rather lost forever.
> 
> You're missing out on some serious critical time with your fiance... and your fiance is being cast into a situation where she has no space or time to herself or with you. Even if your Father is in the other room, he's still there and his presence alone is an intrusion to the environment.
> 
> ...


Couldn't agree more. She will most definitely see you as picking your family over her. I am not saying you put your father to the street, only that if you decide that you want to be married to her, you may have to do that. If that is not something you can accept, then don't get married.

It's not wrong or selfish or mean to break off a marriage when you find you have a fundamental difference in thinking. I'm also not encouraging you to break up with her. You need to search your heart and find out what you can and can't accept, and try to come to a compromise. If you can't, you have both done your due diligence.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How large is this house? How man sq feet? Is it large enough for your father to be able to go to his room and not even hear what you and she are up to? 

Are you really the only other person who he could live with? Could he afford an efficiency apartment?

Is he paying his portion of the rent?

Is there something he could do a couple of nights a week? Visit friends? Other family?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

COguy said:


> Halien,
> 
> That's where I was going with my first post. It might just come down to a fundamental disagreement on what kind of family life they both will allow. What bothers me is to see the judgement of the woman. She's opened her home for a year, with the expectation it continues for another year and a half. She's been cordial but has obviously had enough, and is now making it known. That doesn't make her cold or a bad person in my book. She's mature enough to know that she can't handle it anymore and needs a change. I wish more people were that honest.
> 
> What would be far more dangerous is for her to continue harboring resentment and not bringing up her feelings in the matter. Ataloss at least knows where he stands and has all the facts up front. Where they choose to go from here is a joint decision that won't be swept under the rug.


I do agree with you, and maybe I was really pushing the test of character element too far. Certainly wouldn't want to come off as argumentative. Still, we tend to make assumptions in our youth that all prospective spouses are basically prepared to cope effectively in a long term relationship, so when an issue like this comes up, which could potentially allow a person to avoid a marriage mistake, maybe its whorthwhile to try to understand her motives for turning cold towards the father in the presence of a situation like this. That's all, just try to understand if it is a healthy response for a prospective spouse.

Is her response normal? Don't know, but in today's world, I'd certainly feel more comfortable going into a relationship with someone who demonstrates a similar compassion of the women in this thread. But there is another aspect of it, an absence. Sometimes, we allow the tough things to exist for no other reason than that our spouse is in a very difficult position. Its an act of love, or respect, to the spouse. If I were engaged, ready to take the lifelong plunge, I'd worry too much if that same cold freeze might be directed at me when I wore out my welcome in her bed. Based on nothing more than her respect for me, her husband, my wife managed to get my incredibly annoying mother to move out while still doing it in a really compassionate way. 

Don't ask me, though, why I make too big a deal out of these things. But considering that the OP isn't even married yet, and is indicating rough patches in the relationship, this might be the perfect time to make a big deal out of stuff like this.


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## ataloss12 (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks for all you responses, you all had helpful incite. Just wanted to follow up. After 7 years together we have decided to call it quits. I forgot to say before, getting our puppy was a compromise on my part for us to stay till at least after our wedding in July. That was the agreement. I also failed to mention that i wasn't dead set on staying till we transfer, I was only dead set on giving my father a little bit more time. Tonight we talked and she said she was sorry, but she couldn't honor the puppy agreement and she couldn't budge on moving out when the lease is up. If things had happened differently I would be soo much more inclined to choose her side, but the way she's acted over the last couple of months, knowing full well it hurt my feelings has made me feel like I have to stick to my guns here, otherwise what's the point in staying together. If we can't make compromises and stick to them, how can we be together. If I give in, and agree to move out, even after we made the initial puppy agreement, it turns into a relationship where I feel she thinks she can just get what she wants regardless of my feelings. So I told her that I could look past moving out so close to our transfer date, and moving out despite the fact that we're getting married in less than 6 months, but that I couldn't move out until after our wedding. That would ease the stress involved with me kicking my dad out. Ultimately, we both wouldn't budge so we're breaking up. I guess I just feel that after 7 years, if we can't get through this, we really aren't supposed to be together. It really sucks because despite all that has happened, I really love her.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, the two of you have enough problems that you should not marry. One does not live with in-laws or parents unless you have to. I really don't blame her. 

When my wife and I got married, (she had 2 children), she suggested a big house which would relieve financial pressures, child-care, etc. I said absolutely not and I was right. 

Fast-forward, her parents became seriously ill, and I welcomed her mother to live with us. It was the right thing to do. In fact, my wife had a particularly hard time with it, and I could handle it because it was necessary. Right now, it doesn't seem like you have to live with his parents, so if you truly love her, allow her some privacy, and try to get a place. If you keep the current arrangements, i will believe the relationship will end.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

So sorry to hear about the breakup. Its such a hard situation. I do think that you are showing strength that few people achieve, and made the right move. Given the transition that the two of you were so close to making, her decision to be inflexible, even losing you as a consequence, suggests that she isn't ready for they types of things that normally happen in a marriage. Still, I hope that she will see this as an opportunity to grow, and rethink her unwillingness to compromise. My wife recently said that when she finally decided to compromise on one of our really tough relocation decisions, where we moved away from her family, just the decision to compromies alone made a huge change in her attitude from that point forward. That was the type of wisdom that I was hoping for in your situation. I wish for only the best for you as you go through this.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Halien said:


> So sorry to hear about the breakup. Its such a hard situation. I do think that you are showing strength that few people achieve, and made the right move. Given the transition that the two of you were so close to making, her decision to be inflexible, even losing you as a consequence, suggests that she isn't ready for they types of things that normally happen in a marriage. Still, I hope that she will see this as an opportunity to grow, and rethink her unwillingness to compromise. My wife recently said that when she finally decided to compromise on one of our really tough relocation decisions, where we moved away from her family, just the decision to compromies alone made a huge change in her attitude from that point forward. That was the type of wisdom that I was hoping for in your situation. I wish for only the best for you as you go through this.


LOL I'm thinking the same thing as you but directed at him. I guess I'm "taking her side." I'm wondering if he really wants to lose this chick over something like this, if he wants to rethink caretaking for his father.

I would be the woman in this situation, not sure I could handle such a long commitment to live with my in-laws.

But if both of you don't want to compromise on this, then consider it a very positive thing that you are both mature enough to end it. Many people would stick it out and then end up divorced later because they couldn't develop good boundaries.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Family is family.........this economy is ripping at our norms. Bearing the guilt of having my parents living in a sub-standard housing or a shelter would darken me so much I doubt that any relation I was in, would survive for long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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