# can't forgive husband



## dejay (Oct 14, 2010)

it was the 2nd anniversary of my dad loosing his life to cancer. my husband forgot about this and I was very upset/sad all day. I went to bed, crying, and when he finally asked what was wrong and I told him, he said 'oh' and rolled over and went to sleep. this made me very upset and hurt. the next day he wanted to have sex and i said no because i was still very mad and hurt by his actions. this same senario went on for about a month and he got very mad at ME for not feeling like having sex. He doesn't get that the reason I don't want to sleep with him is because of what he did to me. Overall I can't seem to forgive him, can't let go of the anger and hurt I feel for him for how he treated me that first day and the days following. I am wondering if counseling would help to resolve this as I have no desire to even kiss him anymore.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

dejay said:


> it was the 2nd anniversary of my dad loosing his life to cancer. my husband forgot about this and I was very upset/sad all day. I went to bed, crying, and when he finally asked what was wrong and I told him, he said 'oh' and rolled over and went to sleep. this made me very upset and hurt. the next day he wanted to have sex and i said no because i was still very mad and hurt by his actions. this same senario went on for about a month and he got very mad at ME for not feeling like having sex. He doesn't get that the reason I don't want to sleep with him is because of what he did to me. Overall I can't seem to forgive him, can't let go of the anger and hurt I feel for him for how he treated me that first day and the days following. I am wondering if counseling would help to resolve this as I have no desire to even kiss him anymore.


When did you tell your husband the anniversary was coming up?

I put the anniversarys of my wife's father and brother's passing in my diary and got a reminder 7 days before the events. Perhaps suggest to your husband that he does the same so he doesn't forget next year.

Bob


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I understand very well that you are hurt by what happened. I do have to wonder, though, like AFEH, if you reminded him of the anniversary. If you didn't, while I can understand why you would feel he *should* remember, you can't really blame him for not. Also, how long have you been married? If you didn't marry or even meet until after, then it would be very difficult for him to remember. 

Also, if you're taking it this hard, it makes me wonder if perhaps you're having some trouble accepting your father's passing? Maybe you haven't properly grieved or you need to talk to someone? I don't mean a therapist necessarily, but maybe you need to talk to a friend or something. Just a thought.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I know you love your father. Your father was important to you. Never expect your husband to think the same way. Punish your husband because of his careless mistake, and can't let go of it, it will only cause you more pain. 

We have to learn to forgive, we have to let it go. If something terrible happened to your husband today, would you still be so mad at him? 

Please don't ruin what you have when you still have it. 

By the attitude you have towards your husband now, your marriage will encounter lots of storms!


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

Have you told him why you're upset? He may not understand that you needed more comfort at that moment. Different people deal with grief differently. He may truly not understand.

Bob - I couldn't imagine having a husband that cared enough to calender days that his wife may need extra comfort so he wouldn't forget. That is really awesome.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some times us guys need to be told a couple of time, I know we should know better.
Did you know that sex is the glue that holds the marriage together?
I hope the both of you deal with this ASAP, My god its been a month! 
When was the last time you and H talked about your father, not so much about his passing , but when he was with us. One more thing was there a relationship between your H and your dad?


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I don't understand why you didn't go to him and say something like "I'm hurting because this is the anniversary of Dad's death and I just need you to hold me and let me know it's going to be ok"

Offering sex is probably his way of trying to get close and offer comfort. 

I am sorry your hurting. But your are not alone. Don't expect your partner to be a mind reader. If you ask for comfort and he turns you down THEN get pissed


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## dejay (Oct 14, 2010)

My husband and I have been together for 12 yrs, married for 8 and my husband was very close to my dad. We talked about the anniversary coming up about 5 days prior. The thing that I can't get over most was that I was crying right next to him saying how sad I was about my dad and he just said 'oh' and rolled over and went to sleep as I was still audibly crying. I thought he was my best friend and what kind of friend is that? I do appreciate all of your advice as I think trying to see things more from his side is what I need to do to move on.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

dejay said:


> My husband and I have been together for 12 yrs, married for 8 and my husband was very close to my dad. We talked about the anniversary coming up about 5 days prior. The thing that I can't get over most was that I was crying right next to him saying how sad I was about my dad and he just said 'oh' and rolled over and went to sleep as I was still audibly crying. I thought he was my best friend and what kind of friend is that? I do appreciate all of your advice as I think trying to see things more from his side is what I need to do to move on.


Well dejay your husband and father were close friends. That is a true blessing for you. It is wise to count our blessings. You can’t forgive your husband for what he did to you? Have you thanked him for being a friend to your father? Have you thanked him for being the type of man your father wanted for you as a husband and therefore making your father a happy man? Or did you just take all that for granted? I'd imagine your husband was good at the funeral, did you thank him for that?

Resentment as you now know can be all consuming. As you now know when resentment raises it’s ugly head love is kicked out and not let back in. It’s early days for you two as yet. This is as good a time as any to understand and learn the truly damaging consequences of resentment. The way out of it? Forgive your husband. Forgive him for rolling over for he knew not the pain he was going to cause you. Otherwise you’re just going to build up your stock pile of resentment as the years go by in your marriage.

Bob


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I would like to think that I'm a somewhat average guy and this average guy needs to put every birthday and anniversary on his calendar to remember.

The death of a father-in-law isn't one of the things I will remember, and I was close to mine and my MIL, too. 

Personally, I don't find forgetting the day as offensive as his rolling over and going to sleep without acknowledging your pain. That was just wrong (unless you made a big deal of it and then he probably felt he was in a no-win situation).

However, withholding sex isn't the answer and at some point, you have to move on from this.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Please, let it go. We are all sorry for your loss, and yes, your H was insensitive to you when you needed him most, but he probably is the type who thinks that if someone is hurting, that they will make it worse by opening their mouth. But you can't hold it against him. If he feels that you will never forgive him, he may never open up to you again, or feel that he will have to walk on eggshells for the rest of his life.
My deepest sympathies on your loss of a wonderful man- but please don't shut out your husband and possibly lose him too.


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