# On the right path or should I worry....



## MovingForwardFinally (Jan 2, 2014)

In July, I filed for divorce from my husband of 17 years. I had discovered in February that he had been having an affair since October of 2012. We have three children -- ages 13, 11 and 6. Our youngest has Downs Syndrome. In the beginning, I was determined to make things work. He said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. I gave him his space (which really equated to him doing whatever he wanted without having to answer for his actions). By June, I couldn't do it anymore. I was his doormat and all he wanted me for was his Plan B. Our children were devastated. Their father was running all over town with "the love of his life" and all of their friends (in Smalltown, USA) were describing his actions in public in great detail.

He moved out of our home when the affair was discovered. He has spent only one night there since. Almost immediately, he moved in with Her (who was living and they are still living, with her son and his wife). I have remained in our home with our three kids. I have given him open visitation with the kids and that visitation has dwindles from once a week to now every three weeks based on his choice. The kids need him and want to see him more often, however, he has told me numerous times that because of his job (firefighter who works 24 hours on and 8 hours off) and his living situation, he cannot get them more often. He has given me no financial support for our kids since leaving.

I immediately (and equally) divided up our debt and our funds. I opened my own checking and savings accounts. He was not pleased at all. We had filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy (still ongoing) and he has been paying this debt. I began paying for the mortgage and associated expenses on our home. The difference in the amounts we are each paying is $7. (pretty close to equal) 

We initially agreed on how we wanted things split up. I hired an attorney (again, he was not pleased. He wanted it done with a mediator). I had my attorney draw up all the necessary paperwork according to our agreements. He refused to sign the paperwork and in fact, filed a cross claim asking for sole custody of the kids. (???????) One week before a pre-trial hearing, he hired a lawyer who is now trying to dismantle everything. The very thing he asked me not to do, he is now doing. 

My concerns are as follows:

1. Should I worry about maintaining physical custody? I have been the primary caregiver since this whole thing started and even during our marriage. I know that now that we are nearing a trial date, that calculated amount of child support seems too large for him to handle and he is scrambling. I did not ask for a temporary order because I had thought we had an agreement on everything.

2. I have major concerns now about him asking for spousal support. I have been the primary bread winner since our marriage. I already am having trouble making ends meet. How can I do it if I have to give him money?

3. I too have started dating and have actually moved him into our home. Yes, I know I should have waited and the timing isn't the greatest but to be honest, I needed the financial and physical help. I don't think this is a major issue since my STBX has been doing this all along but right now, my moral compass has me feeling guilty.

4. What are the chances that a judge would want our home sold to pay off our bankruptcy? I have major concerns of having to relocate our children and our lives. Our home has been their one constant.

I feel like I'm rambling..... I guess these issues are a start. Any thoughts?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry you are here.

1. Get the temporary orders set ASAP

2. If you get primary custody...which you will then get as much child support as you can. Might have to deal with an alimony offset, but he should still wind up paying you.

3. Bad move. You relinquished the moral high ground. Thankfully your STBX's behavior regarding your kids borders on abandonment.

4. Discuss this with your bankruptcy attorney, but I would think not.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

A great deal depends on what state you actually live in. Since you have no true temp order in place and no agreement now in place the pre-trail will be more of a waste of time than anything. The judge will set a date for either another pre-trail or a contested divorce hearing where he will make all the decisions.

If he is living with another person he will have a tough time getting any spousal support since he is not living an independent life, again it varies from state to state. That is most likely the reasoning behind his asking for sole custody, its an income generator for him. He will also have a tough time getting sole custody based on his living situation since he doesn’t sound like he is paying rent etc. Again he isn’t living independently and his job makes it hard. He could very well get a 50/50 split but this wont be decided at a pre-trail most likely. Most judges don’t want to mess with making any changes from temp hearing to a final hearing. If it was good enough at temp hearing its good enough till final hearing. 

Both a bankruptcy judge or the divorce court judge could order the home be sold to pay the debts of the marriage. They don’t follow the same rules and neither really cares what the other orders. Part of the great system we have. Anyway your judge at the temp hearing may not even schedule a final hearing till after the bankruptcy has gone thru because at that point there would be a clear number as to debt, assets etc. 

Even though you had a handshake deal at beginning, it all goes out the window and legally no one seems to care. Im running into some of this myself.


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