# We talked about the D word.



## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

Well it was so very strange. Not sure if any who read this are familiar with my story but long story short, married too young, wrong reasons, no love left (maybe not there to begin with).

Thanks to a fellow member here I read the book Too good to leave, Too Bad to Stay and WOW I finally got the clarity I needed and permission to allow myself to admit a truth that has existed for years...its over.

We have had seperation talks before but never in a real serious way. I approached him about it tonight and it was so strange. I constantly felt bad for him and a need to protect him. He pretty much accepted it and thinks he would be happier too but still insists to a great degree that "if we only worked harder..." We skimmed over some details a little, where we would live, how to continue to raise the kids together. I caught myself pulling back and even saying a few times "if" we really do this and kind of hinted I hadn't made a final decision. I feel I have but still feel terror in going through with it. I am so afraid of making a mistake, the biggest mistake I could make. I have made a few before this is for sure. But I really feel in my heart and soul we don't belong together (yes we did counseling for over a year and I feel I have tried so hard). I know it will be a roller coaster of emotion from here. Already I have been in tears and then felt relief on and off all day. He left the conversation quite unremarkably, no tears, no anger but I know he is not happy about my decision. 

I wish I could get it over with quickly like ripping a bandaid off but I can't, we will have to sell our house which could take months and months before we can physically seperate. We can't afford for one person to leave now and pay for another residence and keep our big expensive house. I am glad I found this forum over the past few weeks. I find comfort in reading other stories like mine. Thanks for reading.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I read your original story along with this one. 

Sorry to hear it come to this.



> I am so afraid of making a mistake, the biggest mistake I could make.





> But I really feel in my heart and soul we don't belong together (yes we did counseling for over a year and I feel I have tried so hard).


You said those 2 almost back to back. I hope you can figure everything out. 

Which Marriages Are Worth Saving?


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

bluebird20 said:


> Thanks to a fellow member here I read the book Too good to leave, Too Bad to Stay and WOW I finally got the clarity I needed and permission to allow myself to admit a truth that has existed for years...its over.


Not sure if it was me, but yes, I recently read this too and found the same sort of clarity.

Today, I should be getting a new book I ordered Amazon.com: Learning to Leave: A Women's Guide (9780446394833): Lynette Triere, Richard Peacock: Books

I haven't discussed anything with SO yet, I was sort of waiting till spring, but today I got the "We need to talk." email that indicates to me that he's noticing something's wrong. 

Not sure at all how tonight will go, kind of nervous.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

bluebird20 said:


> Well it was so very strange. Not sure if any who read this are familiar with my story but long story short, married too young, wrong reasons, no love left (maybe not there to begin with).
> 
> Thanks to a fellow member here I read the book Too good to leave, Too Bad to Stay and WOW I finally got the clarity I needed and permission to allow myself to admit a truth that has existed for years...its over.
> 
> ...


" ........ He left the conversation quite unremarkably, no tears, no anger but I know he is not happy about my decision..... "

He isn't happy about your decison because you haven't told him the truth that you dont love him or have never loved him .
Once he knows why you are dumping him he will happy about your decison.

enjoy


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## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

Bestplayer, wow kind of harsh. However I have told him this before. He doesn't accept it. He looks at love from an analytical way, its a choice, a committment, not a feeling. Which to some degree is truth. I have chosen to love him for a long time, I respect him, raise kids with him, am friends with him, but it still isn't what I consider the kind of love I want in a marriage. And I am not "dumping" him. I don't expect him to be happy but I don't know I guess I expect some sort or reaction and I am getting none. In fact he is going on acting like we didn't even talk about it.

I know we will be connected forever because of our children and I hope we can be friends on some level for their sake.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Just curious - through the years, when you told him about your feelings, did he make genuine efforts to understand and respond? Did he feel the need to change?

I ask because my situation is similar in many ways, but I am the husband. My wife would honestly like a do-over, and realizes that in many senses, I carried the relationship emotionally due to her insecurities. Going forward, however, she cannot accept that it can somehow impact my trust in her desire to change. And she's building alot of anger over the situation, wondering why I can't just accept that she wishes she was better. Basically, however, I am her default father. Not at all a partner. To be able to talk to a partner about my wants, desires, or even my past would simply be incredible.


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