# Is it too late?



## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

I have been separated from my husband for 3 months now. We have been married for 8 years together for 17 years. We have 3 kids 14, 8, and 6. He is a great man and I have truly taken him for granted for the last few years. He has struggled with jobs and motivation and i only helped him sink lower by my putdowns and lack of compassion. I recently have discovered all my contributions to our distressed marriage and I think it might be too late. He still loves me and I him but he says he might not be returning from this separation. We have separated before for silly things like arguments, but have never dwelled deep into the reasons for them. He has told me I have needed to change but I never did until now that I am losing the love of my life. He is a great father, friend , lover, and man and I want to fight to save our marriage but he feels there is no more left in him to try.
Our separation so far has opened my eyes to what I really do want out of life. I want to be a better mother, wife, daugther, sister, friend and a better me. So I have started reading self help books that deal with healing anger and resentment issues so that I can be a more loving compassionate person. All of the things I wasn't during our last few years of marriage. My problem is I want to deal with these problems head on while he wants to just separate and see how things go. Wont that lead to divorce?? shouldnt we try to have a controlled/ managed separation with set rules so that we can have a better outcome than "Lets see where it goes"


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

vgbk said:


> My problem is I want to deal with these problems head on while he wants to just separate and see how things go. Wont that lead to divorce?? shouldnt we try to have a controlled/ managed separation with set rules so that we can have a better outcome than "Lets see where it goes"


maybe, but you said he's the one with the lack of motivation. so it seems this is congruent with the person he is.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Your situation and mine are the same. It opened up my eyes to alot about myself when my H left. I have been reading self help books and taking yoga and have started quite a spiritual journey. However, it has been over 9 months since my H left and I am so fri***n devastated. (I am sure you know the exact feeling) I sincerely hope that for both our sakes and for the sake of all the children involved that it is not too late.


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## dumbfoundad (Oct 15, 2009)

Speaking from a mans point of view. I was recently layed off from my job of 12 years. I have been off for 7 months now and sometimes I feel pretty worthless. Stress and a mans ego is a hard thing to handle from a mans point of view. Espically if he is the main bread winner in the household. Maybe this anger and arguments from both of you needs to be addressed. Mostly men are logical thinkers. Women are emotional thinkers. Sometimes people say words that are harsh which deepens the resentment. When you put down a male, it usually is an insult to his pride. Let him know that you support him and love him. Change is hard, but if you show him that you have changed. then the ball is in his court.

If it comes to divorce, the courts usually will ask both parties if there is a chance that the marriage can be worked out, normally with a counsler. Hopefully it can. 
Good luck to you.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback. I have hopet hat it is not to late and that he will see that this is for better or worse. And right now is definetly the worse but God willing we will pull through this together. But the single life is so much easier for him than it is for me. right now he is just fine with us being separated while my heart feels like its breaking into pieces. I know we all feel this way so its good to know that Im not alone. Thanks for the support and yes I am taking this time apart as a healing time for me. To heal my anger and resentment and see what really matters most in life to me my kids and my husband. Wish he could see the same.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

wow I just came across my own post some years ago. Wish I had followed through with TAM. Well things did not end well. We separated in 07/2009 but he returned due to my pleading and begging later that same year. Worst mistake ever. He had started an EA while we separated and recently this year he had a child from the affair.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

You need to talk to him immediately before anything happens that could ruin your marriage completely. Tell him exactly what you have discovered about yourself and how you are working on changing that. Try to get time together and work through things, an opportunity to show him you are changing and making the effort he needs to see. Get marriage counseling and give it everything you have. You have seen the mistakes of the past and want a better future together - he needs to know and SEE this change so you don't lose him. Move fast with this so you can prove to him quickly that you mean it and things are different from now. I hope you can fix this in time. x


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Thnx while I would wish reconciliation its not possible now. The mistakes of my past behavior have led down the path of divorce. I just have to muster the power to go file. Too much too deal with. MY mental issues, his infidelities and love child, just too much. Now I just have to try to heal my mind.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

hello all. It probably is too late. Ive analyzed this in every way and while yes he is wrong in having an affair, Ive been wrong in not being able to understand the gravity of the consequences of my actions. Yes I have a mental issues but I cant expect someone to stick around and suffer with me. I have to accept my marriage is over and will need to put all my effort into my future- my kids.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Hi all, still no divorce :-(
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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Its A very slow process for me to come to terms with the end of my marriage, lots of downs this year but I try to keep looking ahead n see that my life isnt over just because my marriage didnt go well. I still love my ex n hope n wish we eill be together one day. But for now it forsnt seem that way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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