# NEGATIVE OPINION OF WIFE



## LIZ01 (Nov 6, 2021)

So we have been married 9 years and we work together or we are supposed to. But everytime I voice an opinion on a matter or on a decision his making, he gets defensive and yells and screams as if I am talking down on him and refusing to go along with what he wants to do. So much so, that he verbally rips into me and attributes the worst chataristic trades to me. But does this in every situation. I am convinced my husband does not like me or who I am or what I do. Why does he stay? For the kids? Why would you tell a person everyday how much you dislike them and how they are a liar and a lazy person and useless and piece of crap and crazy and dumb and stupid but you stay? I stay because I am depressed and worthless and leaving will make no difference because it will always be a fight because we have kids. Beter the devil I know. 

I don't want to be emotional about it, I just need a truthfull factual answer on how to approach the situation because every single thing I do and say triggers a fight and hatefull repsonse from him. And my boys sees and hears this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

LIZ01 said:


> So we have been married 9 years and we work together or we are supposed to. But everytime I voice an opinion on a matter or on a decision his making, he gets defensive and yells and screams as if I am talking down on him and refusing to go along with what he wants to do. So much so, that he verbally rips into me and attributes the worst chataristic trades to me. But does this in every situation. I am convinced my husband does not like me or who I am or what I do. Why does he stay? For the kids? Why would you tell a person everyday how much you dislike them and how they are a liar and a lazy person and useless and piece of crap and crazy and dumb and stupid but you stay? I stay because I am depressed and worthless and leaving will make no difference because it will always be a fight because we have kids. Beter the devil I know.
> 
> I don't want to be emotional about it, I just need a truthfull factual answer on how to approach the situation because every single thing I do and say triggers a fight and hatefull repsonse from him. And my boys sees and hears this.


He does all of this:

_"he verbally rips into me and attributes the worst chataristic trades to me ... tell a person everyday how much you dislike them and how they are a liar and a lazy person and useless and piece of crap and crazy and dumb and stupid" _

To make you feel like this:

_"I stay because I am depressed and worthless"._ 

He's an asshole, he's an abuser, and he wants a sense of control. You deserve better, and your children deserve better. 

There are ways to deal with a high conflict co-parent. I'd suggest talking to a lawyer to see what your options are.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get another job and tell him to take that one and shove it. Refuse to be treated that way. Walk away when he starts that crap. Walk straight to a lawyer's office and file for divorce. Seriously.

Look up the 180 and implement it. Do nothing for him - food, laundry and most of all NO SEX! Detach, detach, detach.


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## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

He’s been verbally abusing you so long that you now feel worthless, etc.

I’d suggest seeing a therapist to work through why you’re allowing him to treat you this way. It isn’t healthy.


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## LIZ01 (Nov 6, 2021)

Hi. Thank you for your response. I appreciate every one.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sounds like working together doesn't suit you two.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

This is no way to live.

But staying in victim mode with the mindset that any other option is worse will keep you there indefinitely.

Think outside the box.

Set a good example for your son or he is destined to repeat the same behaviors as his father because it's what he knows.

At the very least- stop voicing opinions on his decisions because he won't listen to you and goes off on you. 

Make your own decisions. He's not the only one who gets to pick and choose how the two of you live your lives. Unless you allow him to.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

When you voice an opinion on his decisions, does it come across as criticizing or judgmental? If so, does he feel like you'll criticize him no matter what he does? I ask because I've been in that kind of "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.

Before going to a lawyer, I'd suggest a marriage counselor. There could be more to the situation than you realize, and that's what the marriage counselor can help you and him see.


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## cizzle (Dec 7, 2021)

LIZ01 said:


> So we have been married 9 years and we work together or we are supposed to. But everytime I voice an opinion on a matter or on a decision his making, he gets defensive and yells and screams as if I am talking down on him and refusing to go along with what he wants to do. So much so, that he verbally rips into me and attributes the worst chataristic trades to me. But does this in every situation. I am convinced my husband does not like me or who I am or what I do. Why does he stay? For the kids? Why would you tell a person everyday how much you dislike them and how they are a liar and a lazy person and useless and piece of crap and crazy and dumb and stupid but you stay? I stay because I am depressed and worthless and leaving will make no difference because it will always be a fight because we have kids. Beter the devil I know.
> 
> I don't want to be emotional about it, I just need a truthfull factual answer on how to approach the situation because every single thing I do and say triggers a fight and hatefull repsonse from him. And my boys sees and hears this.


My heart goes out to you and your boys. I have a similar situation with my "husband" (he doesn't act like one hence the quotation). Without knowing the root to his behavior it's hard to say what to do. But with him, he dislikes and mistreats women in general because of the abusive relationship with his mother and the men who mentored him. I giving my opinion and if I had a thought he would take as negative i would respond " honestly you are the expert and i do not have enough education on it to be much help." 
You should try watching videos on dealing with narcissistic people ( not saying he is but it helps to learn how to deal with people who do not budge) also try some videos about using your voice and strength. You are not worthless or stupid. But You are creating the norm for your boys by them seeing how he treats you and by how you react. Maybe that man is a lost cause and the best you can do to create peace for your family is to play nice. But you deserve peace and joy too. Find your strength, you do not have to feel the way he is trying to make you feel. You choose how to perceive and feel. Connect with yourself even if he wont because you deserve it. You will either gain the strength to leave or stand up for yourself and he wont see you as weak worthless or stupid.


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## LIZ01 (Nov 6, 2021)

To be honest, his perspective will never change and creating peace will last seconds. That is who he is. His mother had the same with his father. My father in law later just let it eat him up and he passed away with a mere months of peace from her. And leaving him will only cause hatred and more attempts to control. Our legal system is still alligned with families staying together and husband control, evem if the written law is different, the enforcing authority does not respect it.

I barelly opened my eyes this morning and he told how a piece of nothing I am and useless and how O should change. In the end my answer was if I wasnt able to sattisfy you in 10 years time, changing wont make a difference. So you are welcome to pack up and leave, by all means. The gates does not have keys and locks on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

This change needs to be something you do, not him.


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## cizzle (Dec 7, 2021)

LIZ01 said:


> To be honest, his perspective will never change and creating peace will last seconds. That is who he is. His mother had the same with his father. My father in law later just let it eat him up and he passed away with a mere months of peace from her. And leaving him will only cause hatred and more attempts to control. Our legal system is still alligned with families staying together and husband control, evem if the written law is different, the enforcing authority does not respect it.
> 
> I barelly opened my eyes this morning and he told how a piece of nothing I am and useless and how O should change. In the end my answer was if I wasnt able to sattisfy you in 10 years time, changing wont make a difference. So you are welcome to pack up and leave, by all means. The gates does not have keys and locks on.


Then build yourself. Start learning how to ignore anything he says. If he calls you worthless in your head say I am worth everything to my kids and me. Law does favor the one who tried hardest... Look into what your options are as a single woman. It sounds like he is mentally or emotionally abusive at the very least. Is he that way with your kids too? If so you would win, you will have custody and alimony and child support possibly. Let him be terrible and be better than him in every way you can be. 
If leaving will cause hatred and you already feel like he hates you then why not leave? At least you will be able to wake up to silence instead of insults....


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

LIZ01 said:


> To be honest, his perspective will never change and creating peace will last seconds. That is who he is. His mother had the same with his father. My father in law later just let it eat him up and he passed away with a mere months of peace from her. And leaving him will only cause hatred and more attempts to control. Our legal system is still alligned with families staying together and husband control, evem if the written law is different, the enforcing authority does not respect it.
> 
> I barelly opened my eyes this morning and he told how a piece of nothing I am and useless and how O should change. In the end my answer was if I wasnt able to sattisfy you in 10 years time, changing wont make a difference. So you are welcome to pack up and leave, by all means. The gates does not have keys and locks on.


I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I believe it is a cultural thing perhaps, or at the very least from what you describe, a toxic family dynamic. Either way, he doesn't take what you have to say seriously, to him, you are probably just 'another woman who is emotional and complains all of the time'. I have a similar situation. It sucks. I don't know your options, if you wanted to go, could you stay with family? Do you have the means to support yourself?


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