# I can't stop myselg, letting go.



## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Have been "separated" now for 4 months. I really don't see it as separation but that's what she's calling it. She spends the night somewhere else but spends all day at the house. We have 2 girls and the best thing for them was they stay at the house to not disturb their routines. My wife? will come over at 7:30am as I leave for work and she'll watch the youngest during the day and get the oldest off the bus. When I get home from work she leaves, goes to her friends house to get ready to go to work since she works part-time at night. It's basically the same situation when we were still together expect she's sleeping somewhere else. We also rotate weekends with the girls.

My problem is I still see her every day and for the same amount of time as before so this past 4 months have been hard. I'm at the point of acknowledging it's over but at the same time can't let her go. For example, we'll get into an argument over something and she'll start throwing around well fine she'll go to court to get XYZ or I need to pay XYZ. What she doesn't understand is I've already checked out all the laws and spoken to 3 lawyers. I know how much she would get each month if she had full custody of the girls. Shes under some spell that she thinks she'll get all kinds of money if she wants to make it ugly because "One of her friends doesn't even work and lives off her child support. She gets a LOT each month."

My problem is I still feel like I have to protect her and look out for her. I keep trying to keep things civil and for us to work things out ourselves. If it gets ugly and we need lawyers she has no money for one. She's already 2 months behind on 1 of her credit cards and refuses to call them to work out some type of payment plan. I refuse to help her pay it until we come to some agreement, she refuses to sit down and talk because things are fine the way they are. This is driving me nuts that she is falling down this hole and making it hard and harder for herself to get out. I just want to jump in and make it all better for her. I still feel like I need to protect her. 

I know... I know.. it's crazy. I played the nice guy and helped out every way I could for the first 3 months. Trying to show her I've changed and want to work things out despite her cheating on me. I've finally given up on that and doing a 180 the best I can but I'm just not strong enough to let her fall flat on her face.

The current situation with the girls is best for everyone and especially best for the girls. However, under this setup I feel like I can't fully move on. Part of me wants to say screw it all, get my lawyer to draft up papers and have her served. Force her to move out and take all her crap and then we'll fight over the girls and support.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

What do YOU want? Do you want her back? Have you looked into the information at affaircare.com and marriagebuilders.com? Sometimes people have to fall flat on their face in order to realize what they need to do. I know it's hard, I'm in a similar situation where my husband was dragging his feet about talking to our son and leaving at night, so I finally told him he couldn't "Leave me" every night, it was too painful. 

Limbo is hard. I wish you luck.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

I want her back but at the same time she's made it perfectly clear she's done with the marriage and is happy with her OM.

I've already read a ton on here and other places. So in theory I know what needs to be done I just don't think I'll be strong enough to go through with it. I've held the line a little better recently then I have in the past but it's still hard.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I'm not sure her world has been rocked that much...she cheated, moved out, but still gets to see the children everyday...sure it is good for your kids...but is your wife really going through any hardship? are you forcing her to make decisions or enabling this to go on???

see the lawyer, force the issue...one way or another, you need to get on with your life!


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

DjF said:


> I'm not sure her world has been rocked that much...she cheated, moved out, but still gets to see the children everyday...sure it is good for your kids...but is your wife really going through any hardship? are you forcing her to make decisions or enabling this to go on???
> 
> see the lawyer, force the issue...one way or another, you need to get on with your life!


It's starting to hit her now because for the past month and a half I've stopped helping her pay her bills and haven't given her a dime. She's also 2 months behind on a CC and I'm sure they'll start coming after her hard for that.

The friend she's been staying with for free is also starting to get annoyed with her bringing the girls over there. So that's making it hard on her as well.

I've got 2 options right now.
1. Keep it the way it is but not support her or help her with her own bills. Not a dime form me. It's best for the girls right now and I get to save up a good bit of money for when lawyers are needed. Downside is she's not hard pressured to make a choice.

2. Go ahead and push the mater with a lawyer. I don't really have the money for it and I know damn well she doesn't. The kids would be put in the middle and I know it'll get ugly fast. The upside is it would help me mentally to move on and be away from her.

Right now my parents and IT think to stick with #1 if I can mentally deal with it week by week. If she starts to get to be to much with complaining about money and her not having someplace to go and keep her stuff then go ahead and push the matter.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well of course its hitting her the excitment, thrill and taboo of the secret affair is gone and the OM is propably wearing thin on her.

This and the money may bring her closer to the edge of the fog she is in. For now she is still closer to the middle of this fog then towards the edge, but you..in my opinion are making it easy for her to sit on the fence or cake eat. I understand the girls need there mom and you need day care, but.

At this point keep making it as difficult or at least as uncomfortable for her to continue this affair by exposing it. 

Once the light of day starts to shine on how unrealistic this affair is and what a chump this guy is for sleeping with a married women she will be back. She will see the true colors of this vampire and when she's broke and the OM has used her up she will come back.

Time may be on your side so use it to your advantage, by spending more time with the kids, screw her out of a couple weekend, or sleep with her and let the OM find out.

IDK pushing her away or drawing her closer, there are so many ways to play this. The point is what will cause the most stress on the affair. There by getting her out of this fog that she is still in. As long as the OM still has influence you have a big hill to climb.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

ahhhhhh. I just want to scream at her and tell her how freaking stupid she is.

I drew up some papers and listed all the debts and things we need to split. I worked it out as fairly as I could with a 50/50 split. Making provisions for me paying her to help with her CC she can't afford but I get credit for it when the divorce is final. I'm also paying all associated bills for both girls already. 

Well my guess is she showed this to someone yesterday and today is on a rampage saying it's not fair because I make more then her. That 50/50 isn't fair.

I'm at my last straw here and going to give her a day or 2 to see if she calms down. If not my hand is forced and I go on the offensive. I'll petition for temporary custody since she has no place to keep them. Will still draw up the debts being split 50/50 and let her fight and waste money for nothing. 

For me, I feel if I go down this road there is no turning back for me. It's the final nail in the coffin. She can come out of the fog and realized she totally ****ed up but at that point I'll be so far gone I won't care. Now I just have to figure a way to come up with $1,000/mo for daycare for both girls while still paying the lawyer during the fight. =\


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Well, looks like I've reached my breaking point with playing these games. I've tried to draft up a civil agreement with her splitting everything evenly and even offered to help her pay her CC because I know she can't afford all her bills. 1 day she agrees, the next it's not fair and then the next she's not sure and this morning she wants to talk to her lawyer.

I've scheduled an appointment tomorrow with my lawyer. Going to have her served for several things.

1. Injunction to force her out of the house.
2. Temporary custody of the girls. Basis on she has no place for them to sleep and would be taking them away from their home.
3. Served with immediate divorce on grounds of adultery.
4. Served with separation agreement on MY terms.


The hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go, 
and knowing when to say goodbye.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BrianE said:


> The hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to say goodbye.


Goodness, that is so true.

Great idea talking to a lawyer. Seems she is stringing you along til she figures outwhat she wants. That is wrong andyou're making the right decision.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Goodness, that is so true.


My new signature. Came across it this morning and about started to cry. I've fought for this marriage and still love her so much but I know the right thing to do is say goodbye, for my own sanity.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

BrianE said:


> My new signature. Came across it this morning and about started to cry. I've fought for this marriage and still love her so much but I know the right thing to do is say goodbye, for my own sanity.


Wow brother, she never deserved a man like you. I want my marriage to work as well, for her sake as much as mine, but at the same time: SHE WANTS OUT and it's for the best if that's where it ends up, for me anyway. 

YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY, this I can assure you.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Well, off to the lawyers in a little bit. Man, why am I so nervous?! I even took one of my anxiety meds and it's like I didn't take it. I know this needs to be done, just didn't want to me the one to do it.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Why can't the right thing, be the easy thing? If I knew the answer to this question, I'm sure that people would be climbing the Alps to visit my palace of wisdom. You can do this, I'll say a quick prayer for you to remain strong.

I need for people to say some prayers for me, as the next few months are going to be very trying and difficult emotionally for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What'd the lawyer say?


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## thinner (Feb 28, 2011)

During my "happily" married years, I was the proverbial "nice" guy. I would bend over backwards and do anything and everything for this woman. (cooking, cleaning, all-around helping out more than the majority of the population and then going into debt to make her wishes come true.) Then she said, I want out. Nothing I could say or do made her change her mind. I did turn into the "bad" guy. I called her names that she probably didn't even think I knew. I told her that she was being selfish and not setting good examples for the kids and basically, I was pretty mean. One day, after I had heard that part of her family also thought she was doing the "wrong" thing by divorcing me, I had a thought. I realized that reality itself will be the "bad" guy. So, in turn, I became the nice guy again and I think it is probably driving her nuts. I think she wants the reinforcement of me being the bad guy to reassure her that she is doing the right thing. I just started being myself again and that clicks better with me. I feel better and am definitely happier. Like I said, we can want people to "get" the humor in a joke, or get them to realize the wrong of their doings, but in the end you may not get that satisfaction. But honestly, let reality be the "bad" guy and when reality hits...It'll hit pretty freakin' hard. just my .02
Thinner


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

It went well. Feel a lot better after walking out of there.

Said we'll hold off on forcefully kicking her out and forcing temporary custody.

We will start with filing for discovery based on adultery. She'll be presented with a list of questions she has to answer under oath about the affair. Along with that will be a separation agreement on my terms, still very fair terms. Then a waiver basically saying she pleads no contest to adultery and doesn't have to answer the questions but has to agree to the separation agreement.

If she gets hostile then we put the screws to her with kicking her out and getting temporary custody.

He said everything looks good in my favor.
1. She moved out and I've been keeping up on the house. So she's mostly conceded the house to me.
2. The girls remain in the house while we both watch them on opposite schedules. Again, she basically concedes she has no place for them and knows it's best to keep them in the house.
3. Debts are split 50/50 regardless if she doesn't like it or can't pay her 50%, that's on her. We may grease the wheels by saying I'll pay $xxx amount if she signs the separation agreement.

He said 9/10 times who ever gets the house gets the kids. I've got the house and she's pretty much given up the girls to stay in the house already. That'll also mean no child support on my part.

Will start sending me paperwork next week and we go back and forth with edits. Then if all looks good have her served the week after. Then I'll watch the walls come crumbling down and the light of reality shine upon and blind her.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

uuhhg. The waiting is now the hardest part. Waiting to get the first round of papers from the lawyer for me to start going over. Then maybe Wednesday get the first draft of the separation agreement.

I sit here now waiting. First was waiting for her to do something anything. Now waiting on the lawyer. Patience is not my friend.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

*sigh* Why does it feel like I'm signing my life away here? Just got first round of papers from the lawyer. Basically a bunch of questions about who gets what and who things should work. He'll take that and draft it into a separation agreement for me to look over again and make further edit.

Keep telling myself... it's the right things to do... it's the right thing to do.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Got the first round of papers from the lawyers. I made sure everything was fair and even, except 1 or 2 points. That way if she argues on 1 point I can give up on 1 of mine to make it look like she "wins" 



and oh how therapeutic. Had to many drinks tonight. Took down all the photos in the house that had us together in them. I'm thinking of scheduling a session for just me and the girls to hang up. Oh, how that would piss her off. The family moving on without her! :smthumbup:

Sad to take down the 1 photo I loved of us together though. Was a character drawing from when we went to bush gardens. It captured both of us perfectly. 

Lets see how she acts in the morning,


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Still nothing from the lawyer with the questions I answered and sent back. STBX is still hostile. Just asked basic questions of if she thought anymore of our conversation because I'm not out to hurt her. I just want what is equal b/c hurting her only hurts the kids and vis versa. She keep threatening "You are so screwed, I'm just going to take you to court." She's going to **** bricks when she gets served next week with a document on *MY* terms. She's had 4 months to "bring me to court and screw me" yet still hasn't done it. Well B**** now I'm in control not you!

Finally got a new psychiatrist who isn't afraid to give anxiety meds. So on Klonopin now which is what I prefer over Xanax anyways.

Took my online parenting class this morning and passed with 100%. I may take the Co-Parenting class as well just to show I really want the best for my girls and I want them with me!

She'll be running out of ammunition against me along with money to fight it. I noticed her last CC statement said they lowered her limit to her current balance, so that life line is gone now.

Maybe it's just the meds but I feel better for taking a stand and not just being on the sidelines anymore.

I'm also trying to focus more on my girls now. Doing stuff with them. I need to become the single father who's whole life is nothing but his kids. Last Friday we went out to Dave and Busters and had a blast. I even won a stuffed animal on 1 of those claw games that NO ONE ever wins out. Karma said I deserved a break for once. Also thinking of taking them out to Dinner at Olive Garden, maybe tonight or tomorrow night.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

BrianE said:


> and oh how therapeutic. Had to many drinks tonight. Took down all the photos in the house that had us together in them. I'm thinking of scheduling a session for just me and the girls to hang up. Oh, how that would piss her off. The family moving on without her! :smthumbup:
> 
> Sad to take down the 1 photo I loved of us together though. Was a character drawing from when we went to bush gardens. It captured both of us perfectly.
> 
> Lets see how she acts in the morning,


You sound like you are feeling good! I had to do this this weekend, take down all the pics and pack up the wedding mementos. That was really hard, but it was therapeutic. I also opened my own bank account. And I was thinking about getting a new pic of just the kids and I. The wall is kind of bare. I have a caricature of us from Busch Gardens, too. We used it at our wedding for people to sign the mat around it. So sad.  But you can't keep someone who doesn't want to be kept!

We don't have any papers filed yet. I feel like he is pushing and trying the scorched earth mentality with me, so that I go and file. Then he won't feel so guilty. I'm just moving on and chugging along. He can live with his decision.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> And I was thinking about getting a new pic of just the kids and I.


I was thinking the same thing. The place where our character picture went was a big spot and you always saw it. Was thinking of getting 1 of just me and the girls to hang there now.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Lawyer said I should get the first draft today or tomorrow.

She's off her rocker again today. Total melt down X 100. She get a package from CitiBank, I kid you not 2 inches think. All the legal mumbo jumbo and threats of taking out $300/mo from her checks. She only makes $900/mo as it is. So of course she called and blew up on me and made it all my fault. 

Told the lawyer I wanna get her served ASAP, give her 2-3 days to see what she does and if she explodes we file emergency temporary custody of the kids and restraining order from entering the house.

I'm done playing the nice guy and need to look out for myself and my girls.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Little peaved I haven't heard back from lawyer with even a draft of the seperation agreement. Going to wait till after the weekend to call and see what's up.

On the other hand, maybe it's fate on my side for once. First time I was in the psych ward I met a lady my age and in a very similar situation, we were just on opposite ends of the equation. We talked a lot for those 5 days and I gave her my contact info and said to call if she ever wanted to get together just to talk.

Well, that was almost 4 months ago now and never called. No problem I figured I mean not the best place to meet new people. 

I walk into the same grocery store I always have for the past I dunno 7-8 years and who do I see working there now at the register I happened to be in. She gave me her number and said to call her and we'll catch up. Called a couple days later and both our schedules were busy so we said maybe the following week or so to hit her up. So I did and the number no longer works. :scratchhead:

Couple weeks have past and after work yesterday I stop at the same grocery store to pick up easter supplies for my girls and see her again. Said she was so sorry, her phone got disconnected and she did want to catch up and was hoping I would be in again while she was working. So I gave her my number this time. So we'll see what happens. Would be great to have a live person to talk to about stuff in the same situation.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Got the first drafts of everything. Hard emotionally having to go through it all again and remember dates of when things happened and such. Then thinking of splitting possessions and such. I've filled them out the best I could with a few questions and sent them right back to him.

God, I have no clue how she's going to act when served.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is really hard looking at that stuff. But remember, all part of the process.

I remember getting the paperwork for the property and thinking, Wow. All of those years reduced to 7 pieces of paper. Wow.

She will either freak out or receive them quietly...when will she be served?


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

I'm hoping we can do it next week. I didn't make many changes or questions.


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## markl67 (Apr 28, 2011)

All this just totally sucks man - for sure. Our society has become so selfish - we're throwing away so many nice things like garbage...


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