# Changed to complete opposites



## Anthropos (Feb 23, 2012)

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, together for 13. We are both 32. He filed for divorce the Friday before Valentine's Day. We have been discussing divorce for the last year and a half. I do not want the divorce, but realize I can't control him or his decision. When we first married, we were both conservative Christians. He trained to become a minister, and I was going to serve alongside him. From the beginning, he knew I did not want to have babies. I have always been open to adopting older children, and he was agreeable to this.

Shortly after we were married, he started questioning our conservative beliefs. Subsequently, I did the same. However, he switched over to a more liberal denomination, and I came to consider myself an atheist. I was raised in the church, my father, brother, and brother-in law are all ministers. Anyway, my husband has always put his ministry first before our marriage. In our 3rd year of marriage, he was traveling a lot on mission trips and other church activities. This was during the time we were questioning our faith. I began an emotional affair with a coworker. My husband lost his job as a youth minister due to conflict with another staff member. So we packed up and moved to another state for him to attend seminary. Before we left, I gave my coworker a kiss goodbye. My husband knows this, and found it difficult to forgive me, understandably. 

I supported my husband financially while he obtained his seminary degree, then it was supposed to be my turn to attend grad school. However, at a holiday party at our house, a church member (I was still involved in the church & everyone knew I was an atheist) mentioned he heard we were moving to another neighborhood to start a church plant. I laughed and said it was just a rumor. However, I learned from my husband later that night that he had arranged it with the denomination in which he is working to obtain ordination. I was upset, but agreed to the move. He was unsure how long it would take, maybe a 2-5 year commitment. 

I was the breadwinner and trapped in a stressful job in order to support us. He received very little financial backing for the church plant, and did not want to work full time as it would interrupt his ability to focus on the church. So I continued working at the job I hated to support us while the church was started. I was involved in the group, another member was agnostic, and we all had fun together. However, I later found out my husband began resenting my presence and thought I was judging him for his beliefs. Which I wasn't and he now believes. I have too much of a history with Christianity and too many Christian friends to be negative about it. I think it's fine for people to believe whatever they want. 

Anyway, 2 years into the church, I raised the issue of my wanting to return to school as we originally planned. I told him there was a local school I planned on applying to, and another one out of state. I questioned if he would be willing to move if I obtained acceptance into the better school out of state, and he could not due to his ordination process. The program is only a year and a half, so I asked if he would be open to me going away to school and returning when I was finished. He stated he did not think our marriage would survive it. This opened a dialogue regarding our marriage, and he stated he has been unhappy with it for the last 2-5 years. He is ready to start having children and had hoped I had changed my mind. I had not. Also, he wants a partner in ministry, like I used to be. So he was interested in divorce. I begged him to go to counseling with me instead, so we did. But what I did not know was he went to counseling not to work on the marriage, but to figure out what he wanted for himself.

Anyway, I didn't get into the local school, so I ended up going away to the one out of state. Depending on what mood he was in, it was either called separation or just me going to school with plans to return. This whole time, he keeps telling me that he still loves me but doesn't think it will work in the long run and does not want to do the work that is necessary to stay together. So once he filed for divorce, I told him I did not want to communicate anymore, except through email to discuss business details. He has court on May 14th to finalize the divorce, 11 days before our 10th anniversary. He keeps insisting he is doing this out of love. I don't get it. I logically can see why children/religion are huge issues, but I still love him and he says he loves me, so why can't we work through it or make some compromise? Oh well, his family never liked me too much anyway because I am not a traditional housewife. 

I am just so hurt, and feel a lot of guilt and shame regarding my lack of interest in babies as well as my atheism. But it is who I am, and I can't fake it otherwise. The other annoying thing is that, as supportive as my family is being, they keep telling me things like "you need Jesus" or "can we lay our hands on you and pray for you?" Which feels like a slap in the face, because that is part of the reason I was dumped. I'm not good enough b/c I am not a Christian. It really hurts b/c I keep picturing him with a new wife and babies leading some church somewhere being happy, while I become some bitter old miser with 20 cats. I'm still in school living off my loans with 9 months left, and it's hard to stay focused with the divorce happening. I can't stop crying all the time, and I feel physically ill. Rejection sucks, especially by the one person who was supposed to love me until the day I died. I tried really hard to get him to change his mind, I even agreed to adopt a baby in the next couple years. I kept bargaining, and it didn't matter, he had his mind made up. A few months ago, I purchased tickets to return back home for our winter break, which occurs next week. I will be staying with friends instead of my stbxh. But part of me keeps hoping I'll receive a message from him apologizing and asking for reconciliation. It will be tough being in town and not see him. My friends have plans to keep me busy though. 

Well, I know this sounds like an absurd story, and people probably wonder why an atheist would want to stay with a minister. But I love him, we've had 13 years together and it's hard to give it all up. That's the truth. And I guess it's out of my hands now.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Your going from someone who had plans for Christian ministry to atheism is about as big a change as is possible, really. You might as well have changed sexual orientation or lost all of your limbs. It's a big deal. You can't expect that it wouldn't change things between you. I'm not saying you dropped your faith out of careless spite or anything, but you can't ignore the fact that it has huge ramifications, especially when your husband has strong religious goals.



Anthropos said:


> The program is only a year and a half, so I asked if he would be open to me going away to school and returning when I was finished. He stated he did not think our marriage would survive it.


I guess he was right.



Anthropos said:


> Anyway, I didn't get into the local school, so I ended up going away to the one out of state.


Why did you decide to go, even after he said it would be the end of your marriage?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You had an EA which can be just as hurtful as a PA. An affair is not something you can sweep under the rug and pretend it didn't happen or that can be gotten over quickly. Many people simply cannot recover from the trust issue and end up divorcing their unfaithful spouse.

For a marriage to be viable, it has to have not just love but trust and respect as well. If one or more of these are missing, the days of the marriage are numbered. Love is simply not enough - your stbxh realizes this.

I'm not saying this to hurt you but to make you see that you are no longer the woman your stbxh married and wants to share his life with.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think the EA scarred him, as it would anyone. Did you even work through this affair with him? 

A fundamental Christian would have a terrible time being married to an atheist. It just wouldn't make sense. For someone to be in a committed, loving relationship with someone else who denies the other person's heartfelt beliefs, is demeaning and devastating. Religion and faith is something, imo, to be shared in a marriage, no matter what it is. There HAS to be similar beliefs and foundation. Otherwise, it won't work. You basically flipped the script on him. You are sad he can't compromise, he is devastated and probably feels like you mislead him.

Maybe he wants children, adopted or not, but he wants a woman who will raise the children how he sees they should be raised: As Christians.

My friend did this...went from Christianity to Hinduism...and she couldn't understand why her husband wanted to leave her. Yes, life is a path, and everyone needs to follow their truth, but you cannot hold it against the other person if they dont' want to follow on your path. You made your choices, now he's making his.

It's a sad state of affairs, but it's just how things pan out based on the choices you felt you had to make. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person for the paths you've chosen...it just means you won't be walking together.

For me, there is no compromise with faith. Hubs and i are not religious but our beliefs are similar and there are no feelings of segregation between us regarding what we believe.


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## Anthropos (Feb 23, 2012)

"Why did you decide to go, even after he said it would be the end of your marriage? "

After our initial conversation, he encouraged me to go away to school in order for us to have some time apart to figure out what he wanted. I offered multiple times to stay and postpone school, but he said he wanted the space and thought I would resent him for it if I stayed behind. He was right though. He felt guilty about backing out of our original agreement/plan that he would support me through grad school after he completed his program. He also felt bad about making a commitment of 2-5 years with the denomination without discussing it with me beforehand. 

"I'm not saying this to hurt you but to make you see that you are no longer the woman your stbxh married and wants to share his life with. "

I think you're right. He has basically told me as much b/c he says he loves me, but does not see a future together, and he struggled with whether or not to end the marriage b/c he still loves me and does not want to hurt me. Yet it's not the marriage either of us had in mind. 

"I think the EA scarred him, as it would anyone. Did you even work through this affair with him?"

For years he denied it was a big deal, and said he didn't care. It wasn't until we were going to counseling just over a year ago that he told me he never really processed my EA or his feelings around it. 

"There HAS to be similar beliefs and foundation. Otherwise, it won't work." 

I received mixed messages about this from him. On occasion, he would tell me things like, "I'm glad you're not a Christian," or "If I ever had to choose between you and the church it will always be you." (even though I haven't asked him too) We also knew other ministers married to partners with other faiths or no religion. But I think in the long run, it was unsustainable for him. Especially now he is thinking of kids.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

It sounds to me as though you and your husband have changed a lot since you married. You are no longer compatible as partner, you both have different beliefs and both want different thins in life. You have no children and you are both you enought to spend some time single and eventually meet another partner who would e more compatible.

I don't think you should feel guilt about your atheism are your lack of desire for children. There is a man out there who is looking for someone with these values, equally there is a Christian woman who will make your husband happy and mother his children.

Divorce is hard and you will grieve for you relationship but I really don't see what can be done in this relationship to make it work. You aw both good honest people but you are no longer compatible as partners there is no shame is ending this marriage IMO 

You may love your husband, and feel jealousy when thinking of his future wife, but separation from him will weaken that and when you meet someone who you can be yourself with you will love them

I hope you can come through this difficult time quickly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Divorce is never easy, I should know because I was married for 10 years to my ex-wife before I divorced her due to her infidelity but still loved her very much. But I know that it was the right thing for me because without trust or respect, love is simply not enough to sustain a marriage.

I believe you should go dark on your stbxh for both your sakes. Further contact between the two of you can only make the process of divorce much more painful than it has to be.

You seem like a good person who can rebuild her life into something she can be proud of and maybe one day in the future, find that special someone she can share her life with. I wish you all the best.


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## Anthropos (Feb 23, 2012)

Yes, I think you are both right. Thanks, it helps to hear a neutral perspective from others outside the situation. Especially from people who have experienced divorce in their own lives. I know it's going to take me time to get over it, but in the end it is probably for the best.


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