# Considering divorce M (31) F (34)



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Hey all,

I had previously written a post about my wife’s concerning social media interactions with a guy she once dated/some comments made about a co-worker. I got some good feedback on that but the pain of it all did leave me feeling jaded about my marriage and caused me to re-evaluate things.

Mostly I’m realizing that my wife is often very reactive, unable to understand/validate my emotions/needs and can often be downright mean to me and manipulative.

My other concern is how she behaves toward our Son. That boy is the light of my life and I went through hell taking care of both him and her when she suffered from post partum and self esteem issues after having him. Instead of his birth being exciting, I found myself consoling a wife threatening to hurt herself and give up the baby.

I also ended up working remotely and taking care of a newborn while trying to maintain a house when she went back to work. My job performance suffered and everyone around me took notice of how much I was drowning except for her.

our son is 1 now and to this day I am the main caregiver who handles the night wakeups, diaper changes etc. My parents also watch the baby and I am responsible for pickup and drop off. It’s to the point where even my parents ask why doesn’t my wife help out more?

she also has a short temper with the baby and routinely yells and gets frustrated if he won’t nap when she wants or eat what she made. She loses her cool if he doesn’t just lay still for a diaper change and she curses and yells if she has to wake up in the middle of the night because he’s crying.

around the house she is also not helpful and leaves messes everywhere she goes. She barely helps with chores and I routinely come home from a late night of work to a mess. Then when I clean the place she just kind of takes that for granted and never really thanks me.

we have been attending counseling for a few months now and things get better for some time then just seem to revert back to normal.

I find that when I’m with her I feel very disconnected and even when we get time away from the baby to go out I don’t have much to say to her.

divorce has entered my mind but I’m afraid to pull the trigger. Recently I let a lot out and really expressed my concerns after a big fight.

Ever since..she is all concerned I’m going to leave, stating she is a terrible wife and mother and would understand if I wanted to be with someone who deserves me. She’s also been very paranoid and asking questions if I go out for a long run or spend too long at the grocery store.

i don’t know where to go from here as I’m hurt and feeling burnt out but don’t know if ending things is a good idea.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> when she suffered from post partum and self esteem issues after having him. Instead of his birth being exciting, I found myself consoling a wife threatening to hurt herself and give up the baby.


is your wife getting treatment ?
The hardest time for a couple is after having children,
Now after your wife having a child and the effects it is having and how important you were to her as her support she is afraid of loosing you,

I know that this time is not easy for you trying to keep a job and look after your wife and your child , it is making the promise for better or worse look like it is just for the worse.

YOU have to try and bring in as much help as you can from family 
it is what family is for , Don't be afraid to lean on them now , 
it is not a time to try do it all yourself . It is the problem when we are tired and trying to hold everything together that in a moment we can say things , somethings that to a person that is suffering like your wife is going to make matters worse,

now as well as the illness she is going through after child birth she is thinking the only person she has is leaving ,been pushed out by herself ,
A measure of how low she feels is when she said she does not deserve you 
it is only a person that thinks nothing of themselves that will think this,

if you divorce her how will she cope with the child ?
IT IS TIME TO MAN UP AND BRING IN AS MUCH HELP AS YOU CAN FIND 
sometimes it is the manly thing to do to ask family and friends for help 
and get treatment and if it is not good get more 

I have seen a woman we went to school together go through this she even tried to kill herself , it is an illness like a cancer you can't see it some days are better than others but it is an illness


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> is your wife getting treatment ?
> The hardest time for a couple is after having children,
> Now after your wife having a child and the effects it is having and how important you were to her as her support she is afraid of loosing you,
> 
> ...


No, she is not receiving treatment. She took herself off of medication and will not follow up on individual counseling despite having a name recommended by our couples therapist.

I’m sorry but my family and I are already doing enough. We both work 9-5 and my parents alternate taking care of the baby 5 days a week. I am also the only one waking up several times a night to take care of the baby.

She’s also impossible to compromise with and our recent fight was over me wanting to run a race the same day she wanted to go to the beach an hour away.

i tried to be flexible and compromise to allow for both of our events but she was not meeting me half way. We eventually went to the race and she proceeded to scream at me in the car on the way down that my race was ruining her beach plans.

(We still went to the beach by the way)

i also didn’t race because her yelling at me and arguing made us late and I missed the start.

When I said that we can easily do both if we just discuss and be flexible. She told me that she “hopes my next wife will be more flexible then” and when I said compromise is what makes a relationship work she said “well I don’t want this relationship, I want out, I’m done and I want out.”

she then launched into how I always have to run these “stupid races” and that doing so is a full day event basically saying that it inconveniences her and takes up her day.

i didn’t say anything mean in therapy, just that I’m struggling and need help. Since then she has been making some more effort but I feel burnt out on this relationship.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You need to get her evaluated. She most likely still is under post partum depression. If this is the way she was prior to pregnancy, then in that case there's little that can be done. She is who she is, and that can't be changed. For some people some sort of control can be achieved, but for most is an uphill battle of mostly failures. 

Another thing you should already be doing is documenting her behavior towards your child and you in the eventuality that you need to divorce. Have it in writing with date, day, and time. Also it should be documented with the therapist that is seeing both of you. If it gets to that point it will serve you a lot in the child custody issue.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i can see your at your end , and you have to hold down a job 
your family are helping out , but does she have a family can they help out , and can they advise her to take her meds or even look up other DR 

I had an uncle his wife was dealing all her life with mental illness the Dr had her on pills which did not seem to be helping her infect they made her more distant 
the house was like a kip and her look was not very together ,

he used to be everywhere with her and bring her around but she would be hiding behind him 
she was like this for 25 years and went into hospital for another complaint and a different Dr did tests on her and found the drugs she was on were wrong and after changing her meds she lived a much better life for 15 years after 

DOCTORS DIFFER AND PATENTS DID


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> You need to get her evaluated. She most likely still is under post partum depression. If this is the way she was prior to pregnancy, then in that case there's little that can be done. She is who she is, and that can't be changed. For some people some sort of control can be achieved, but for most is an uphill battle of mostly failures.
> 
> Another thing you should already be doing is documenting her behavior towards your child and you in the eventuality that you need to divorce. Have it in writing with date, day, and time. Also it should be documented with the therapist that is seeing both of you. If it gets to that point it will serve you a lot in the child custody issue.


I’ve tried but she is resistant and states that she is fine and won’t take medication.

she’s always been a little high strung and needy but it was easier to manage before a kid. Now I can’t seem to keep up and she often resents me for spending too much time with the baby or “taking his side” when I tell her not to yell at him.

I’m just having a tough time with running myself ragged and being cursed and unappreciated. I am a happy person all day until I come home to her and in the mornings I’m counting down till she leaves for work because she is just mean and aggressive and I’m very calm, go with the flow kind of person.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> i can see your at your end , and you have to hold down a job
> your family are helping out , but does she have a family can they help out , and can they advise her to take her meds or even look up other DR
> 
> I had an uncle his wife was dealing all her life with mental illness the Dr had her on pills which did not seem to be helping her infect they made her more distant
> ...


Unfortunately her parents live over an hour away and are for lack of better words…burnt out hippies. They are high all the time and their home is filthy, I would never trust my son there.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Another thing you should already be doing is documenting her behavior towards your child and you in the eventuality that you need to divorce. Have it in writing with date, day, and time. Also it should be documented with the therapist that is seeing both of you. If it gets to that point it will serve you a lot in the child custody issue.


THIS IS TRUE 
and if you get your divorce your going to have to do the worst thing a man can do to a mother and take the child away from her on a full time , and that is not going to be easy , 

your are going to have to stand up and kick her with every bit of dirt there ever was 
you will have to stick a knife in her for your child 
there are more than one way to skin a cat think hard which road you pick for you and your child ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Unfortunately her parents live over an hour away and are for lack of better words…burnt out hippies. They are high all the time and their home is filthy, I would never trust my son there.


unless you get your child on full time which is next to imposable they could be minding your kid half the time ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

things might be bad today bit you might make things worse 
I wish I could tell you all is going to be good , i wish she did not come from a hippy family , and she might know they are to hip 

And don't forget I am in a different country so I don't know the med system where you are and the cost to you 
but where we are she would be hospitalised for treatment if she was not respecting advice


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> THIS IS TRUE
> and if you get your divorce your going to have to do the worst thing a man can do to a mother and take the child away from her on a full time , and that is not going to be easy ,
> 
> your are going to have to stand up and kick her with every bit of dirt there ever was
> ...


Strangely enough we actually had a discussion where it came up and she said if we ever split she wants me to take primary custody and she will take him on the weekends. She said that she knows I’m the better parent and that he will “have a much better life with me as she knows herself and her family.”

It’s not helpful either that recently a very pretty girl with an amazing personality at work has gotten quite the thing for me. We are just friends right now but she is extremely supportive of me and loves children. She is well established academically and vocationally and we just seem to groove well together with no effort.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> unless you get your child on full time which is next to imposable they could be minding your kid half the time ,


It wouldn’t be possible, they are unable to do so due to distance and frankly laziness. I would also have no problem calling protective services and reporting their home if need be. I will not let my son be there.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Strangely enough we actually had a discussion where it came up and she said if we ever split she wants me to take primary custody and she will take him on the weekends. She said that she knows I’m the better parent and that he will “have a much better life with me as she knows herself and her family.”
> 
> It’s not helpful either that recently a very pretty girl with an amazing personality at work has gotten quite the thing for me. We are just friends right now but she is extremely supportive of me and loves children. She is well established academically and vocationally and we just seem to groove well together with no effort.


 you have to take one step at a time , you need to cut off the co-worker
you are not a free man and you have to make that clear ,
until you have a D and even time to think and get back on your feet you can not start finding replacements for you wife 

cheating is cheating you don't like your wife chatting with other fellows on FB 
but it does not give you the right to start sniffing around new meat 

it is a judge that will give custody not your wife and she might say that now but when the fight starts your wife will be very different ,we have all seen wifes like this when pushed get up on their heals and fight for their life and she will have a legal team


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> you have to take one step at a time , you need to cut off the co-worker
> you are not a free man and you have to make that clear ,
> until you have a D and even time to think and get back on your feet you can not start finding replacements for you wife
> 
> ...


The co worker friend of mine is well aware I’m married and we are both cautious of boundaries. Just friends but the chemistry is there.

No cheating occurring.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> The co worker friend of mine is well aware I’m married and we are both cautious of boundaries. Just friends but the chemistry is there.
> 
> No cheating occurring.


 depends on what you call cheating ,

for me you love is given there is not room for chemistry

If your wife told you she had chemistry with the postman you would call that cheating 
talking to a co-worker behind your wifes back about your marriage is cheating 

water gets muddy very easy and it is not fair to your co worker to give her any hope that some day she might be the replacement mother to your son ,

you need to change jobs if you can not put distance between you at work 

I am not trying to be hard on you just that there you have to respect your commitment to the end even if you can see an end is going to come .

have you told you wife that your close to this co worker has it come up in MC if not your holding things back from your mc 
your not going to fix things if you don't bring them into mc


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> depends on what you call cheating ,
> 
> for me you love is given there is not room for chemistry
> 
> ...


so I do understand your intention and I want to say I do not discuss my relationship with this co worker. She knows I’m married because there’s pictures of my wife on my desk and I wear a ring.

The chemistry was pretty unintentional as she’s new in the office and was referred by a good friend of mine. So now when we all go out for lunch at work as a group she is there. We just kind of became friends that way and mostly discuss work and occasionally what we did over the weekend. The chemistry exists due to our shared interests, values, sense of humor, etc.

i would not be looking to have her be a “replacement mommy” as that is unfair to everyone involved. She has also not expressed her feelings to me but I heard through the work grape vine that she finds me attractive.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

FloridaPool said:


> Strangely enough we actually had a discussion where it came up and she said if we ever split she wants me to take primary custody and she will take him on the weekends. She said that she knows I’m the better parent and that he will “have a much better life with me as she knows herself and her family.”


@FloridaPool that's good, but don't count on it, be smart!
Document and if you can, *take video evidence without her known*, for every thing, the house, how she treats your child, you will need that just in case if she changes her mind about primary custody!
Yes, you need to get out and get full custody, unless you want to end up with medical issues or worse mental illnesses and end up popping all sort of pills!
It's not just about you anymore, your child needs protection, and a loving caring environment!


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Kaliber said:


> @FloridaPool that's good, but don't count on it, be smart!
> Document and if you can, *take video evidence without her known*, for every thing, the house, how she treats your child, you will need that just in case if she changes her mind about primary custody!
> Yes, you need to get out and get full custody, unless you want to end up with medical issues or worse mental illnesses and end up popping all sort of pills!
> It's not just about you anymore, your child needs protection, and a loving caring environment!


Appreciate the advice. Am I jumping to conclusions to think about leaving though?

since we had our last therapy session and that big fight at my race she’s been panicking that I might be leaving and has been trying harder with the baby and around the house. She’s also been nicer to me because she’s afraid I’ll leave.

I feel bad knowing she’s trying now and wants things to work.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Get out now. Your life will be living hell with this person. Please take her up on the offer of your having primary custody and she weekend visits. 

I'd divorce as soon as you can to minimize the damage to your child being subjected to her treatment any longer. How absolutely damaging she is to this little one. Make it stop for his sake.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> IT IS TIME TO MAN UP AND BRING IN AS MUCH HELP AS YOU CAN FIND


He didn't man up enough by stepping up to do the things he has been doing? He has been playing the roles of both parents and you want him to man up some more? I think that comes across very callous. Could you have done what he did?


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m sorry but my family and I are already doing enough. We both work 9-5 and my parents alternate taking care of the baby 5 days a week. I am also the only one waking up several times a night to take care of the baby.
> 
> she then launched into how I always have to run these “stupid races” and that doing so is a full day event basically saying that it inconveniences her and takes up her day.


You and your family are doing enough. It's amazing how cruel some people can be toward others in anonymous forums such as this. Giving advice to people isn't enough. Some people have to do it through the lens of looking down their nose at others and continually fault-finding. OP hasn't done enough and it's his fault the wife is out of control. No, I'm sorry, just no. 

The guy can't even get a breather to run his local 5K races! I do these, and they do not take up a whole day. Sometimes my wife runs and I stay home. I don't yell at her when she returns for taking up the whole day. Unless the guy is running a full marathon, it's not a whole-day extravaganza. Running is probably the only thing keeping him sane now, but no we can't have that. 

The idea of 17 years of split custody, visitation, etc., sounds miserable, but I think the reality of staying with this woman for 17 more years would be much worse. I'm not one of those posters who is quick to say "dump him/her" but when you give all of yourself and get back nothing in return, I think you have to ask yourself if life was really meant to be lived that way.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

hub49 said:


> You and your family are doing enough. It's amazing how cruel some people can be toward others in anonymous forums such as this. Giving advice to people isn't enough. Some people have to do it through the lens of looking down their nose at others and continually fault-finding. OP hasn't done enough and it's his fault the wife is out of control. No, I'm sorry, just no.
> 
> The guy can't even get a breather to run his local 5K races! I do these, and they do not take up a whole day. Sometimes my wife runs and I stay home. I don't yell at her when she returns for taking up the whole day. Unless the guy is running a full marathon, it's not a whole-day extravaganza. Running is probably the only thing keeping him sane now, but no we can't have that.
> 
> The idea of 17 years of split custody, visitation, etc., sounds miserable, but I think the reality of staying with this woman for 17 more years would be much worse. I'm not one of those posters who is quick to say "dump him/her" but when you give all of yourself and get back nothing in return, I think you have to ask yourself if life was really meant to be lived that way.


yep, you are correct. local 5k that at actually put us closer to the beach and over an hour ahead of her parents who were meeting us there. I didn’t get to run because of all the yelling and then we were at the beach all day and didn’t get home until after 10pm.

i even offered to race quickly then let the race director know I had to go so I could grab my medal and get back on the road quickly so her day didn’t get messed up.

When we got home I asked if she enjoyed the beach and she cried saying her day sucked because I didn’t talk to her at the beach and she couldn’t relax because she was upset about it.

i didn’t lose my cool and justsaid we have therapy in the morning, we have a lot to work on.

she continued to cry and say how she’s such a ***** to me and how I’m such a good guy.How stress impossible to love and would understand if I want to leave her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It kind of changes everything when you list bad points… but then suddenly mention chemistry with another woman.

For what it’s worth, I was young once and met a few of those married men at work who eventually started this same story about what great dads they were and how the wives had depression and were terrible mothers. I was a good listener and friendly, young but not very stupid. Ok maybe I believed the first guy. But then we young girls would get together and some would be falling in love and berating these terrible lazy mothers, but then you realise it’s just a common tale certain dads tell. 

They’re a type. 

Been there heard that. 

Except I met a few of the wives and they seemed pretty wonderful actually. When I was also a married women with 3 kids, trust me, my exhausted husband didn’t do much, he was understandably very tired and couldn’t lift a finger after working so much. That was ok. Kids are exhausting. I would have questioned his sanity if he was able to work hard full time by day and suddenly be able to manage all that extra stuff too around babies. In fact, I would have marched him off to the doctor for an evaluation when I was having my own one 😉😊


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

FloridaPool said:


> No, she is not receiving treatment. She took herself off of medication and will not follow up on individual counseling despite having a name recommended by our couples therapist.
> 
> I’m sorry but my family and I are already doing enough. We both work 9-5 and my parents alternate taking care of the baby 5 days a week. I am also the only one waking up several times a night to take care of the baby.
> 
> ...


Next time tell HER to stay home -- you don't need that crap when you are going to race. She can take care of your kid.

She has some serious issues, and if she is unwilling to work on them, there honestly isn't much that YOU can do. Have you spoken with HER parents about the way she is acting?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> It kind of changes everything when you list bad points… but then suddenly mention chemistry with another woman.
> 
> For what it’s worth, I was young once and met a few of those married men at work who eventually started this same story about what great dads they were and how the wives had depression and were terrible mothers. I was a good listener and friendly, young but not very stupid. Ok maybe I believed the first guy. But then we young girls would get together and some would be falling in love and berating these terrible lazy mothers, but then you realise it’s just a common tale certain dads tell.
> 
> ...


So I’ll reiterate. I am not looking for another woman nor do I ever talk to this woman about my marriage.

i was simply frustrated and happened to make friends with a nice woman who shares similar interests and values.

I’m not looking to run to her but meeting other people has opened my eyes to say…do I have to live like this?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No, you don't have to live like that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

FloridaPool said:


> So I’ll reiterate. I am not looking for another woman nor do I ever talk to this woman about my marriage.
> 
> i was simply frustrated and happened to make friends with a nice woman who shares similar interests and values.
> 
> I’m not looking to run to her but meeting other people has opened my eyes to say…do I have to live like this?


This is precisely how affairs start. If you walk near the ledge you can fall off. You have enough problems without adding this. 
People for the most part don’t change. As you’ve seen she always reverts back.
Like most you can’t make a decision.
Where do you want to be a year, 3 years, five years from now?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> This is precisely how affairs start. If you walk near the ledge you can fall off. You have enough problems without adding this.
> People for the most part don’t change. As you’ve seen she always reverts back.
> Like most you can’t make a decision.
> Where do you want to be a year, 3 years, five years from now?


I won’t allow myself to do anything unless we divorce. Right now I’m not sure what I’m doing in the next year but I’m trying to go with her to counseling to make sure no stone is left unturned.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

FloridaPool said:


> I won’t allow myself to do anything unless we divorce. Right now I’m not sure what I’m doing in the next year but I’m trying to go with her to counseling to make sure no stone is left unturned.


@FloridaPool you sound like you still want to try!
I personally will advice you to leave!

However, if you still want to try one more time then you need to take a different approach, I am going to give you an advice, it will sound crazy and counter productive!
Since you have one foot out of the door, you can give it a last shot to try and take control of your life!

For instant, you need to start acting for your benefit, yes some actions might make you look like a jerk!
For example, when she was in the car shouting and screaming, you should have done a U-Turn, head home and told her to get out of the car, and go to your race, and just before you leave, tell her you will talk to her when she start acting like a grown adult and becomes respectful!
Start showing some authority and don't allow her to dictate how the relationship goes, clearly she is not capable of any responsibility, nor should you let her lead!

Still document everything (videos are important)!
If she starts screaming and shouting, don't engage, never engage, ask her if she finished her emotional outburst, then tell her welcome back, don't engage!
If she gets more angry, tell her you will not discuss any thing until she calms down and talks like a respectful adult!
Always be respectful!
Don't allow her to get you out of your frame!

If the house is messy, go out, and ask her to do her part, and tell her by the time you are back you expect her to do her fair share, if she didn't, she will pack a bag and go to her parents house!
Don't just throw threats, follow them, take leadership!
Yes you have to be a jerk, tell me ONE person with authority who is not a jerk, your wife might respond very well to authority!
In the bedroom take charge and be dominant!

Still document everything (videos are important)!
Speak to a lawyer, to understand how the whole process works just to be ready if you decide to throw in the towel, and be ready to do that!

Ask yourself, why does she act with respect and always on her good behaviour when she is at work but not at home with you, why does she meet her boss expectations but not her husband who dedicated his life, commitment and resources to her, she is taking you for granted!
If she is capable of meeting her boss expectations she should be capable of meeting yours!

Some women will only respond to authority and be respectful towards a strong man who leads and is able to deliver consequences for bad behaviour!
Try that, what's the worst that could happen?! You are already one foot out of the door!

I know it's hard, and you will need to do some brain rewiring!

Here are two books (It doesn't matter if you stay or leave) that will help you understand female behaviour, it will be an eye opening for you (Don't be lazy , start reading them today):

The Rational Male: By Rollo Tomassi
The Rational Male - Positive Masculinity: By Rollo Tomassi


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A lot of time from what I’ve seen last chances turn into multiple last chances. Too many use anything not to make a decision. In essence they keep themselves bound. You teach people how they can treat you by accepting the unacceptable.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> she continued to cry and say how she’s such a *** to me and how I’m such a good guy.How stress impossible to love and would understand if I want to leave her.


This is great! Now the "I'm leaving" conversation will be easier. It's not like you're going to say that you're out, and she won't know how it came. 

It's ok to notice other women and feel you vibe better with them. There is a whole wide world out there. That's the point many of us are making. Life is too short to settle. As much as possible, just be sure to do stuff in the right order. Leave the wife, take some time to clear your head, then get out there and date.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

hub49 said:


> This is great! Now the "I'm leaving" conversation will be easier. It's not like you're going to say that you're out, and she won't know how it came.
> 
> It's ok to notice other women and feel you vibe better with them. There is a whole wide world out there. That's the point many of us are making. Life is too short to settle. As much as possible, just be sure to do stuff in the right order. Leave the wife, take some time to clear your head, then get out there and date.


i just really struggle because she does do things in her own way I just don’t receive them sometimes. She offers to help more but I’m just so burnt out I feel like I don’t know where to start.

She brought up at therapy how she tries to help where she can by cooking for the baby and I or putting his outfit for the day out before she leaves for work, feeding him breakfast in the morning so I don’t have to when I’m rushing to get the baby and I ready for the day. So she doesn’t understand how I can say she doesn’t do enough.

i just don’t know that she understands what I need and I’m not always good at expressing it because I’m a people pleaser and she’s reactive with either anger or sadness.

I just don’t feel like my emotions are being respected. Even just today at therapy. I talked about not feeling heard and not being able to feel emotions and express myself without reaction from her. As I started to say that she snapped at me and started saying “well thenmaybe we should just stop trying then if I’m so terrible.”

i literally looked at the therapist and said “see and that’s what I mean.”

Our whole relationship I’ve never been able to just be upset or hurt by things she does without it becoming about her or her saying well then if it’s so bad why are we still together! Maybe you should just go your way and I’ll go mine.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

I think you're on a good track with some things. Yes, definitely, be assertive and speak your mind. At the same time, not everything needs to be 10/10 on the bluntness scale. It's good to try to see where she is coming from. As I always say, there is someone on the other side of the interaction. 

Lately, I've been more conscious about situations where I have been giving up my personal power to someone else. I've been trying to take it back and be less affected by how someone else will react in a given situation. If she wants to cry, yell and raise a fuss, so be it. Your you-know-what is going to get to the race starting line on time, and that's that. If this relationship doesn't give you what you need, then you can make that decision if needed. YOU get to decide! Nowhere is it written that you have to put up with someone's nonsense forever. She can manipulate you by guilt only if you allow it. If you feel your emotions aren't being respected, guess what, there is someone out there who will respect your emotions and appreciate you for you.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

hub49 said:


> I think you're on a good track with some things. Yes, definitely, be assertive and speak your mind. At the same time, not everything needs to be 10/10 on the bluntness scale. It's good to try to see where she is coming from. As I always say, there is someone on the other side of the interaction.
> 
> Lately, I've been more conscious about situations where I have been giving up my personal power to someone else. I've been trying to take it back and be less affected by how someone else will react in a given situation. If she wants to cry, yell and raise a fuss, so be it. Your you-know-what is going to get to the race starting line on time, and that's that. If this relationship doesn't give you what you need, then you can make that decision if needed. YOU get to decide! Nowhere is it written that you have to put up with someone's nonsense forever. She can manipulate you by guilt only if you allow it. If you feel your emotions aren't being respected, guess what, there is someone out there who will respect your emotions and appreciate you for you.


unfortunately I was in her car and she was driving with our son in the back seat. I wanted to spend the day with our son and it made me nervous leaving them alone with her in that mood.

Appreciate the advice, if you don’t mind I think it would help give context if you looked at my other post about me expressing a concern that goes unheard from her or not respected. It’s a lot to type up again lol.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

It looked like the original post was edited/removed so I'm trying to look at other people's responses to get some context. Something about her connecting with an ex on social media? I saw that another poster said he draws a clear boundary: no ex-partners in the picture. My wife and I are the same. It's a different animal altogether if you have shared children with an ex. Otherwise, goodbye is goodbye. No texting, no high-fiving on social media, no coffee meetups, nothing.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

hub49 said:


> It looked like the original post was edited/removed so I'm trying to look at other people's responses to get some context. Something about her connecting with an ex on social media? I saw that another poster said he draws a clear boundary: no ex-partners in the picture. My wife and I are the same. It's a different animal altogether if you have shared children with an ex. Otherwise, goodbye is goodbye. No texting, no high-fiving on social media, no coffee meetups, nothing.





hub49 said:


> It looked like the original post was edited/removed so I'm trying to look at other people's responses to get some context. Something about her connecting with an ex on social media? I saw that another poster said he draws a clear boundary: no ex-partners in the picture. My wife and I are the same. It's a different animal altogether if you have shared children with an ex. Otherwise, goodbye is goodbye. No texting, no high-fiving on social media, no coffee meetups, nothing.


Wife keeps contact with ex from 7 years ago.

I recently realized that my wife follows a guy she was with for a few months on both Instagram and Facebook.

We were both going on dates/talking with her pretty much around the same time. They dated July-September and we started talking in September. He moved to the city and I asked her to be official early October.

I looked at his page and she has liked every picture for the past 7 years starting from when they dated until just last month. Some of which are shirtless pictures.

I also saw that he opened a restaurant in 2020 and she commented saying “congratulations, can’t wait to try it out.”

She also put out a status requesting suggestions for pots and pans and tagged him.

I’m feeling a little insecure about the whole thing because he’s a chef and she’s passionate about food/wants to be a chef.

She tells me I shouldn’t compare myself because whatever they had was short lived and we are married with a kid but I can’t help but feel like she hasn’t moved on.

Advice appreciated.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

hub49 said:


> It looked like the original post was edited/removed so I'm trying to look at other people's responses to get some context. Something about her connecting with an ex on social media? I saw that another poster said he draws a clear boundary: no ex-partners in the picture. My wife and I are the same. It's a different animal altogether if you have shared children with an ex. Otherwise, goodbye is goodbye. No texting, no high-fiving on social media, no coffee meetups, nothing.


I should add that when I finally did talk to her about how it made me feel she reacted by angrily deleting him and telling me she didn’t understand where I was coming from. How I was making her uncomfortable discussing it, trying to erase her past, etc.

when I said “ I understand you have a past I just want to make sure it doesn’t interfere with our lives because I want a future with you.”

She responded with “if you bring up my past and make mefeel like I have to defend myself for having a life before you there might not be a future.”

let’s not mention this was after I looked at her phone and saw that she texted her friend about a superior at work saying “omg girl Dr Epstein just complemented the **** out of me and now I’m damp.”


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

@hub49


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> Strangely enough we actually had a discussion where it came up and she said if we ever split she wants me to take primary custody and she will take him on the weekends. She said that she knows I’m the better parent and that he will “have a much better life with me as she knows herself and her family.”
> 
> It’s not helpful either that recently a very pretty girl with an amazing personality at work has gotten quite the thing for me. We are just friends right now but she is extremely supportive of me and loves children. She is well established academically and vocationally and we just seem to groove well together with no effort.


Uh huh….. sooooooooo…..
The plot thickens.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> unfortunately I was in her car and she was driving with our son in the back seat. I wanted to spend the day with our son and it made me nervous leaving them alone with her in that mood.


You wanted to run a race while your wife was watching your son, correct? Based on what you have described, your wife is not invested in you, your marriage, or your child. I recommend that next time your schedules conflict that you hire a babysitter to care for your child and you do your own thing. Who was driving to these events?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I had previously written a post about my wife’s concerning social media interactions with a guy she once dated/some comments made about a co-worker. I got some good feedback on that but the pain of it all did leave me feeling jaded about my marriage and caused me to re-evaluate things.
> 
> ...


My heart absolutely goes out to you. You have the position I was in as a new mother. I wasn't helped at all. In my husbands mind it was my job as the woman even though he made it seem like he was going to help if I got pregnant and be so involved. At this point I'm grateful be never did or our son would be worse off at him taking his life this past march. Since I was the primary care giver in its entirety, he's not really skipped a beat.

I truly truly feel where you're coming from and it's taking me back to those moments when I didn't feel like I was enough, that I could keep on doing for our son, everything in our home and working too and caring for mu husband as was expected. But I didn't have another choice.

It sounds like she has some issues she may to deal with some individual therapy, not that it isn't goof for you both to be going together. Therapy can be a great tool, though not all therapist are good and if you both are completely honest, it's never going to fully work. Wishing you luck. I have no good advice to give you as my situation didn't pan out as I'd hoped. I'm starting to see if may be a blessing in disguise even though it's terrible and I wish I could change it. You have to know if you've done all YOU can do then that's it.


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