# Who to blame?



## lonelybutnotalone (Feb 14, 2012)

The short concise version?

I'm a classic type A personality... always going, doing, chattering. I work full time, have a 3.5 year old son, get off, come home, cook clean, and parent. If I'm lucky, when the day is done I can sit down on my own for about 30 minutes.

Husband... Full time job where he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants to. Company truck, no supervisor, he turns in his own hours and they aren't verified. He comes home, sits on the couch, watches TV, uses his phone or laptop.

We really don't intimately talk. We speak about day to day things... like can you do this or that. We say I love you. But that's it.

Other than that, nothing serious. We used to have an active sex life, now in the past couple of months, its only like once a week. 

He can see me struggling with a task and not say a thing or even realize that I am struggling. Or I can say something and he doesn't hear me even though I'm talking directly to him. It's like I either do not exist or it doesn't matter.

If I ask him to do something he gets mad no matter how I ask. Then he just clams up which SERIOUSLY ticks me off.

We had some problems before and worked through them. THe cyle is that I ask him to work on some things and I do the same. He works on them for a while then goes back to doing the same again.

He has cheated before, whenever we first met 4.5 years ago. As well as he was running around about a year ago although no contact was made with the woman. We split and of course that's the first place he went. He actually went to the extent of sneaking over to her house, buying a prepaid phone to call & text. When I figured it out he acted like I was nuts for accusing him... although months later he admitted.

Personal image of me: I'm a pretty girl. I'm not over weight or anything else. So it's not my appearance.

I can be quite 'ugly' as in mean IF provoked  But seriously, he has to mess with me a lot to make that side come out.

I don't get any of this. I'm a good wife, have a high sex drive, I work, I'm nice, a good mother... what's the deal???


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You say you are a type A personality as if it is automatically a good thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it either, but to expect your H to do more because you do more is the opposite of how he views it. He sees you doing all that stuff, without him demanding it of you, so the more you do the less he has to. If you are a type A then you do a lot because it is rewarding to you, so why are you criticising him for having a job that suits him? He provides and when you ask him to do something he starts. Men will act stupid, and won't take your hints or pick up on the subtle ways you are expecting him to do more, so just ask more of him. When he starts something ask him to finish before asking him to start something else. Is this micromanaging? maybe but how else is he supposed to understand your needs unless you communicate them in a way he understands. Once the ball is rolling and you get in tune with each other it won't feel like work to communicate these things.

Now you are bringing up his possible infidelity..!? What I thought the problem is his laziness... is he still cheating? If so then bust his @ss and divorce him, but if its in the past and you both have chosen to reconcile then stop dragging him through the mud.


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## lonelybutnotalone (Feb 14, 2012)

The infidelity thing was in the past and i have forgiven him. I don't bring it up. It was more just a rambling bc it popped into my head with us not sleeping together as much anymore... like if not from me then where???

You are right on the other. THat's about what I wanted to know since I can be a little dramatic at time  I'm more curious as to whether or not he was ignoring me or just not paying attention.

I don't mind doing most things, you are correct. I like to see it all done. But when I've had enough, it's enough. So I guess it's my fault for expecting him to realize I am overwhelmed with out me opening my mouth to say so.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My guess is that he misses you. You are go go go, and it is understandable that it'd bother you that he doesn't join you when you are overwhelmed. That said, how often do you slow down and just enjoy his company? He may just wonder why you don't slow down once in a while and smell the roses with him - maybe he has some emotional needs that he is having trouble communicating to you? Just some guesses.

It really sounds to me like your value of your husband is his work ethic and work output. He might open up a bit more if you just valued him for who he was.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Opposites attract. Then they have to learn to live with each other. The one thing that's missing in your post are his needs. What are they? Obviously, relaxation is one. I'm sure that's a biggy for him. What about any others?

Funny, but I just recommended THIS book over in another thread. I think it's also a good suggestion for you.

I also wonder if you are coming across as bossy--especially if you're a self-admitted type A. Men who like peace and relaxation tend to have difficulty asserting themselves at home and can often end up with a wife who takes the lead. The problem is that they don't want her to take the lead. Yes, I know, nothing would get done. But they're okay with that. Often what happens is that they meet another woman who doesn't boss them and suddenly they feel like a man again. And on the cycle goes.


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## lonelybutnotalone (Feb 14, 2012)

Acorn said:


> My guess is that he misses you. You are go go go, and it is understandable that it'd bother you that he doesn't join you when you are overwhelmed. That said, how often do you slow down and just enjoy his company? He may just wonder why you don't slow down once in a while and smell the roses with him - maybe he has some emotional needs that he is having trouble communicating to you? Just some guesses.
> 
> It really sounds to me like your value of your husband is his work ethic and work output. He might open up a bit more if you just valued him for who he was.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelybutnotalone (Feb 14, 2012)

Wow... That really hit home. Thanks. I really don't take the time anymore to just sit down and relax because I don't feel like I have the time. But it seems as though I've been blaming him. I didn't realize it until you said I may not be focusing on his needs.

I do value him and his work. He makes a lot of money and can pretty much set his own hours. I guess Ive been taking advantage of that and resentful that I do work, very hard, and don't make as much and still have to do everything. We don't spend much time together anymore even though we are always around each other so thank you for opening my eyes on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sounds like you're missing each other, then.


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## lonelybutnotalone (Feb 14, 2012)

MSP said:


> Opposites attract. Then they have to learn to live with each other. The one thing that's missing in your post are his needs. What are they? Obviously, relaxation is one. I'm sure that's a biggy for him. What about any others?
> 
> Funny, but I just recommended THIS book over in another thread. I think it's also a good suggestion for you.
> 
> I also wonder if you are coming across as bossy--especially if you're a self-admitted type A. Men who like peace and relaxation tend to have difficulty asserting themselves at home and can often end up with a wife who takes the lead. The problem is that they don't want her to take the lead. Yes, I know, nothing would get done. But they're okay with that. Often what happens is that they meet another woman who doesn't boss them and suddenly they feel like a man again. And on the cycle goes.


Yes, I agree with this too and think that's what happened before. I've just never noticed that cycle and simply assumed him to be a douchbag... Although a nice one that would give me the world. I'm the douche huh? Goodness. Im very happy I made this post. Some constructive critism can go along way... ESP from strangers 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

My husband can get to busy from time to time. When he does I feel like he is shutting me out, that he is in his world, and I'm not allowed in. When I feel rejected I tend to distance myself from him, becoming uncaring towards him.
Ask him.


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## lonelybutnotalone (Feb 14, 2012)

Nice little follow up...
After consideration of some of the comments on here, I talked to the hubs and you guys were right, he was missing me. It is very easy for me to get wrapped up in doing and going. I rarely stop and it doesn't even occur to me to stop. The same way it doesn't occur to him to move, lol. But it's well worth it. I love my husband and he does get on my nerves from time to time as I'm very sure I do his as well.

Sometimes, as horrible as it is, I forget that he even has needs... other than the basics since he is so quiet in comparison to me. But he does. 

We had a nice little chat last night and feel closer today that we have in a couple of months. I guess lows and highs come with every marriage. i quit believing in the fairy tale a couple of years ago  Thank God.

Thank you all for your comments. I really like this site and plan on staying.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Type A person is perfect to launch a reconnection onslaught. Send him texts so he knows he's in your thoughts, touch him every time you can, communicate in the most non threatening and least provocative way you can about the challenges you are tackling. Make him want to join forces with you and do things together that are drudgery alone. Offer him respect and admiration for what he does for the family and human nature says he will want to do more.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Your post gives the perfect text book example of basic misunderstandings between the nature of men and women.

In order to improve the situation the first step I strongly suggest is to get informed on the basic differences of men and women in a relationship and then both you and your partner to diligently practice the skills to form the habits to bring about change.

A good place to start is "Allan Pease - Why men don't listen and women can't read maps". 

Here is a 30 min video of him discussing it: 

Allan Pease - De ce barbatii nu asculta si femeile nu stiu sa se uite pe harta ro subbed - YouTube

The challenges you are facing are well documented and very common in relationships.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I blame roger rabit


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

chillymorn said:


> I blame roger rabit


thats "framed"


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

As I scroll through all these replies about Type A personalities and Type B personalites...who the hell cares!!

To me..it's a bunch of bullcrap!! Either ya get along and make it work or ya don't.


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