# Husband just moved out. Was it a blessing? (long post)



## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I am 38 year old female, no kids and I have been married for 4.5 years. My marriage has been rocky from the beginning. I have to admit that I was not the best wife. I had a lot of insecurities and self-esteem issues and worried if I would be a good wife. I am an emotional eater, and gained a ton of weight. I hated the way I looked and worried about my husband not wanting me. In that way, I know that I was not a good wife.

The reason why I was so worried was because my husband has always had boundary issues with women. He was always a little too flirty and touchy feely with women. I always thought it was a cultural difference because he was raised in Mexico. This obviously played on my insecurities and I gained a ton of weight from my emotional eating.

1.5 years ago, I had WLS and lost a significant amount of weight. I did not lose it fast, but I did lose it slow and steady. My husband was also overweight and had WLS a year later and lost his weight very quickly. That worried me because I was concerned that he may not want me anymore and maybe he was missing out because he is much thinner now.

Throughout the marriage, I have found evidence that after we were married a year he still kept his online personals account, and even had an updated pic of when we were married! I also found some inappropriate IMs he has sent to his "friends". When confronted, he says that I don't give him enough attention and that I never tell him that he looks good. He says I hold him back from what he wants to do (he works two jobs and is hardly home). Also, I take him for granted and that he never felt as if this was his home (he moved into the condo I own).

We went to MC for 1 year, but he did not do any of the things the therapist suggested. Well, 2 days after Christmas, he said that he did not want to try anymore, and wanted to move out. After an argument on 12/31, he left. When he came back to talk a few days later, he says he wants to get his own apartment and that he wants a divorce. He swears that there is no one else, but he is not happy with our marriage. He tried to sleep with me that night, but I did not want to because I was hurt and he was still planning on leaivng.

Or course I am sad and devastated. But in a way, maybe this is a blessing. I have completely lost myself in this marriage, and I have not been happy for a while. Perhaps this is going to give me the opportunity to grow as a person and learn to love myself. If I did, I wouldn't have put up with his actions.

Sorry this post is so long and choppy. Any advice or opinions are appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From the tone of your letter.. I think you do think this is a blessing.. you are hurt but releaved. Take a cue from your subconcious.. it's telling you something.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

It is so hard because do I truly love this man and his family. It feels like a death. I have been a basketcase for the past 2 weeks and have lost 10 lbs because I cant eat. 

He texts me one day and tells me he loves me, then I hear nothing from him for several days. I don't think he even knows what he wants to do. All I know is that I am going to implement the 180 plan for betrayed spouses. I need to be happy with me and learn to love and trust myself.

I am reconnecting with my friends and trying to stay busy. It is hard when I am at home alone though. I get scared and lonely. Every little noise I hear scares me. I feel like a little kid.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are doing is the best thing. If he comes back and wants to stay with you, then you can decide the parameters. But right now you need to take care of youself.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You say you have completely lost yourself in the marriage, yet you admit to not being a good wife by your own standards. 

Do you love your husband enough to become the wife that *you* think you should be or not?

What have you learned from this marriage that will prompt you to make changes in your future? Would those changes have made a difference in your husband's behavior? If not, then yes you can call this divorce a "blessing". Otherwise, it's just another divorce. A sad ending to something that "could have been".


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

synthetic, losing myself had a lot to do with his actions. I guess I just chose not to see it because I was in love. I tend to shut down or hold back my feelings in order to protect myself. I did that with him. I feel like we both had 1 foot out the door for most of our marriage.

Our MC says that he needs a lot of attention to feel important. SHe also says his expectations of marriage are unrealistic. I know if has a lot to do with how we was raised.

He is the youngest of 3 (2 older sisters). His parents were divorced when 2. he had to be the man of the house, because his father remarried and the new wife didn't want much to do with his kids. He got his first job at age 8 as an altar boy so that he could bring money home for the family to eat dinner. His mother idolizes and praises him constantly (excessively). I think he wants someone like her.

Since that is never going to happen, I think he surrounds himself with people (mainly women) for attention and to boost his ego. That is something that he needs recognize and to work on if we are ever going to have a chance. I refuse to go back to the way it was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Alter boys are not paid. That's not a job. Perhaps the parish was giving the family charity and he's recast it in his mind as a job.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you live near his mother? He does need to realize that no one in this world will ever adore him like his mother does. Nor should they.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

He grew up in Mexico. The church gave the altar boys some change for helping at the church. His Mother lives in Mexico, but calls him when she needs $$$.


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