# Uncontrolled Behaviour



## geroge201 (Jan 3, 2009)

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY
My wife has problem of uncontrolled behavior. When she becomes angry she is not controllable, she will force you to say sorry even if she is wrong. And if I do not surrender she will start shouting, crying very badly with no stop, and if I try to go out from apartment she will not let you go, she will run after you. Overall it is win-win situation for her, I have to surrender otherwise it becomes very bad. I have been witnessing this for 7-8 years of marriage. I have been compromising because of my daughter and because I know her importance in my life. But at times her behavior has been dangerous, overall I am very afraid of her, she gets physical. I have to be with her throughout weekend, I cannot go out for more than one hour, and when I go out she will keep on calling me to come back. I cannot meet my friends and go out them occasionally, she gets angry. She does not like drinking, so she does not let me drink even occasionally, and if I do she insults me very badly. At home, she is mostly rude with me and always complaining and even when I am trying her to keep her happy all the time. Her behavior with neighbors has been bad because I try to spend time with them once in a while which I cannot do anymore. She very often fights with people in public transport etc. This is my day to day life, it feels there is a sword hanging over me all the time. So far I am able to drag this but I want to take some pre-caution.
Recently her father was staying at my apartment, she started annoying me to prove me wrong in front of her father and in return to that he started insulting me, because of this I had vacated the apartment and asked her father to leave to avoid any clash but he is still staying there. I want to hold him responsible for anything in my apartment during his stay and in my absence. He is not allowing me to talk to her and my daughter, and even not let me know what he is doing. They have taken all money from our joint account.
Now I am worried of her and my daughter. Her behavior is very uncontrolled and I do not know what she can do. I do not want to leave her and my daughter and know her importance in my life, and still hope I can live happily with her if she improves a bit and show mature behavior.
I want to take precaution for myself and for her too. What shall I do? Some friend asked me to consult some behavior therapist. Please suggest.


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## sarika123 (Jun 11, 2011)

Its clearly stated that you really love your wife and daughter. But rather than blaming her why dont you look into yourself first. She is your wife and and has given birth to a beautiful child and takes care of all of you. And it is only weekends that you really get to spend time with your wife. Dont you think even she wants someone to care for her and someone to spend time with her. Why cant you make her feel that you want to spend time with her rather than you doing a favour on her by trying to spend time with her. Why are friends and neighbours important to you? Does your wife not need someone to love, care for? Have you ever tried to surprise her, make her feel important in life, have you ever tried to break her routine by making a day different from other days? See you put no efforts in life to make things special for her. You never tried to understand her emotions. For you it has always been you and you. Your friends, your neighbours, your freedom. If you think you are doing a duty by spending time with her then just leave her. Is your friends and neighbours more intelligent, beautiful, rich that u ignore ur wife. Your wife doenst like you talking to neighbours bcos you dont involve her too in the chat. You have never treated your wife as your equal. You should be getting treatment first. You change yourself and then see how good your wife is!!!


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

OKAY then.... let me hazard a guess here. Geroge, Sarika, you are the married couple in question, using the forum to battle out your differences. I think that communication has gone awry here. Also any sense of boundaries. People are entitled to a life outside of their home life, their own interests. These interests are what stimulate your partner. If you two spend some time reading other threads here you will find that it is NORMAL to have interests outside of the marriage, and if one partner feels neglected by the other they need to TALK about that and address the issues then and there. 

Sarika, you can not control every second of Geroge's day, and Geroge, you need to spend some special time with Sarika. You both have needs, and the other needs to respect that. As individuals you both have a lot to answer for. 

Sarika, you REALLY need to give George a little space. Time to have friends, time to talk to the neighbours, time to have a beer or two. Your attitude to him has caused resentment and it will not fix itself if you continue with your brash and childish behaviour. 

Geroge, you need to grow a pair, stop your wife's manipulation's dead. I am not one to generally refer to it, but you REALLY need to read the MAN UP GUIDE on this forum. MEM and DEEJO and BBW will set you on the road to recovering some manhood in your relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

George you have been beaten down by an abusive self-centered woman. The only way to control such a person is to disengage physically and emotionally. It is unfortunate that your daughter is exposed to her verbal an physical abuse. Your wife probably has a mental disorder perhaps narcissism or borderline personality disorder. Look up the sign + symptoms on the web. 

Do you feel your daughter is in danger? You have to take charge if not for you then do it for your child. You have to be the responsible adult your wife needs to be controlled. I don't agree that she should get what she wants. She may feel neglected but she is going about getting what she wants in an unhealthy way. If you give in, you confirm her abusive behavior. She is like a 2 year old child but she can injure so she may be dangerous. 

Who is the adult here, who is going to take charge and right ge situation that has gotten out of hand. You have abdicated your responsibilities in an atempt to placate an abuser. You are like a prisoner of war. First thing you need to do is to get back into your house. If you are refused entry call the authorities. Get the father out and get a restraining order to keep him out. Begin being the man in the house, establish firm boundries. 

Who pays the mortgage and the expenses for the house? You or the wife and her father? You need to Get back into your house to get it in order and protect your daughter. someone has to be the responsible adult, will you assume that function? 

If the 2nd poster is your wife, she sounds enven worse than you describe. She seems to be a selfish, abusive, entitled horror of a person. Anyone who can justify such behavior with me me me is not a mentally healthy person and should not be in charge of anything. The choice of the name is interesting puts me in mind of high pitched sceaming, what a piece of work. Sounds like she thinks life revolves around her - why is she so worthy and you and your daughter relegated to servants to a nut case? 

You can do it, you need to do it - you have gotten yourself into this unfair position because you never established bounderies and you slowly over the years placated your wife as her behavior became more and more abusive. Now is the time to take back control. You are letting the mommies control the zoo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Even in NY, it's still illegal to kill and eat people. She can make unpleasant noise and noise never killed anyone. First suggestion: Open your own checking account in your name alone. She can't steal what she doesn't have access to. Second, when you leave the house for a break, turn off your cell phone or ignore her calls. Third, when you wish to leave the house to go out, head toward the door and do not stop. If someone steps in your way, run over them, move them aside, but keep moving toward the door. It is illegal to physically trap someone and it is perfectly legal to escape by any reasonable means. She only has power that you give her. Screaming and crying are only noise and that can't harm you. If she becomes physically violent, I suspect you are larger and stronger and more than able to defend yourself. You have the legal right to defend yourself as long as your defense is reasonable in relation to the threat. If it gets physical, call 911 as soon as it's safe to do so. I arrest women all the time for domestic violence and they go to jail just like men. You have all the power and control you need available to you. She has power over you only if you give it to her. 
With or without a wife, you will always have a daughter. I was in a similar situation years ago and I accepted similar treatment just like you for fear of losing my daughter. I made the decision that I would rather my daughter see her father as a whole man every other weekend than for her to see him daily as a beat-down, henpecked, embarrassing shell. It is a move I don't regret and my daughter and I now have a wonderful relationship. There is no place for bullying or disrespect in a marriage. You may find that your wife, like most women, really wants to be married to a strong, independent, confident man. You were not created to be a punching bag or a door mat.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Even in NY, it's still illegal to kill and eat people.


It's illegal to get caught killing and eating people. 

By way are both people in this couple immigrants? Is this an arranged marriage or some other non-standard deal? Your deal sounds like some lunatic Russian couples I know. Is OP in the US on a work visa and will have to return home but the wife is not happy with that?


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## friendlyguy (Jan 16, 2012)

Dude, you wife disrespects you...you will not win.....either let her win, or leave....(we know secretly that you will leave her one day, and we agree with you.)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What was her childhood like? what was her relationship with her parents? I ask because when things like this happen (her behaviour), it's not a spur of the moment thing. It's a defense/survival mechanism that the person has been using their whole lives in order to not feel the pain of what they are feeling.

I suffered from it. Abandonment issues. It makes people do crazy things and think crazy things.

I worked through them and am better for it and it helped me save my marriage.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

sarika123 said:


> Its clearly stated that you really love your wife and daughter. But rather than blaming her why dont you look into yourself first. She is your wife and and has given birth to a beautiful child and takes care of all of you. And it is only weekends that you really get to spend time with your wife. Dont you think even she wants someone to care for her and someone to spend time with her. Why cant you make her feel that you want to spend time with her rather than you doing a favour on her by trying to spend time with her. Why are friends and neighbours important to you? Does your wife not need someone to love, care for? Have you ever tried to surprise her, make her feel important in life, have you ever tried to break her routine by making a day different from other days? See you put no efforts in life to make things special for her. You never tried to understand her emotions. For you it has always been you and you. Your friends, your neighbours, your freedom. If you think you are doing a duty by spending time with her then just leave her. Is your friends and neighbours more intelligent, beautiful, rich that u ignore ur wife. Your wife doenst like you talking to neighbours bcos you dont involve her too in the chat. You have never treated your wife as your equal. You should be getting treatment first. You change yourself and then see how good your wife is!!!


Wow That whole thing made me cry. I wish someone would say that to my H. Sorry having a bad day and really wish I could be heard and understood like that.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

LOL. Control your wife through a finger ring?

I don't care who you are....thats funny right there.LOL!


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## Sincere Heart (Jan 5, 2012)

You have got to get yourself together before you go back into that house. If you don't you can be no more help to your daughter, the relationship, or yourself. 

Putting your daughter's well being first, making sure she gets help with dealing with mommy's temper should be number one on your list. There are some great professionals who deal with children emotional problems. Don't tell yourself this is not affecting you child emotionally, because it is. Children are capable of holding a lot in for a long time but it will soon surface in other ways. Your wife may try to down play how her behavior has nothing to do with your daughter but don't listen. Her actions are going to start eventually affecting your child, in school, with other children and (when she grows up) with her husband. 

I agree that changing banks and seperate accounts should be another step you take to make positive changes in your life. You need to start thinking about a life without your wife at least until she can get some consistant help for her problem. You may have been dealing with this for so long that it may feel like it's a normal life style. Trust me when I say this life you have with your wife is not remotely close to being normal. 

You need to know and understand that abuse comes in different forms, verbal, mental, emotional and physical. 
Your wife's actions can cause your daughter to be removed from the house. It is clear that the environment is not healthy.

The abuse your wife is displaying is not only towards you but towards strangers. What happens when she decides to go off on someone in public and has your daughter with her? She need to know there is always someone out there with an equally bad temper. She is out of control and you are an enabler. Counseling should start immediately for everyone, or go on your own (if she refuses) before a judge makes it a court order. 

Sincere Heart


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

George, I think my husband can emphathize with you. Sometimes, I find myself having loud outburst in front of the kids and it is not appropriate at all. I find myself feeling guilty afterwards because i know it is childish and need to change.

I am at a point where talking with my husband works best for me. I'm realizing that he often agrees with me for the sake of avoiding more confrontation and that doesn't satisfy me anymore. I want him to be authentic, speak his mind, and come to an agreement that I know we will both remember and follow through. I don't want him to agree with me because he is surrendering. My husband tells me that I am more rational when I'm not having my loud outburst.

Loud outburst gives you that quick outlet for releasing anger but its the calm negotiations and conversations with my spouse that is more effective. What she is commuinicating to you during these loud outburst is that some of her needs are not being met, she needs emotional connection, more attention, or more time with you. What she doesn't understand is that it is difficult to reconcile with a person who is hostile, even though that is what she really wants. Sometimes we have to question ourselves whether we would rather be right or be happy. 

I'm also realizing that my marriage is the most important thing. I want to change the way I negotiate things and handle arugments in my relationship with my spouse because I care about the marriage. My husband has also indicated during our calm negotiations that he is willing to change on his part. Willingness to change on both ends is key.

I'm also questionning if your wife has some depression issues. Post partum depression is serious and can still be there years after a child is born if left untreated. 

I hope that helps. Good luck!


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