# How does separation work?



## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

So having marital issues. We went to a therapist who said for now we should take some time space and separation to think and get some clarity. So I leave to visit my sisters for a long weekend.. I come back and my husband has moved out. Not a word about it ..not a phone call or text.... I was totally surprised. He also drained some of our checking account. Took all the furniture /belongings that he brought into the marriage. Took some of the jewelry he gave me He says the therapist said we should separate.. so that's what he did...and my response is we did not talk about this and i was unaware that he was moving out. So I'm basically like hey you left me.. without even telling me and he claims that is not the case. My question is should we have discussed.. //////???I was completely unaware he was going to move out. I saw the therapist on my own after he left and she said in no way shape or form did she say or mean that one of us was to move out.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Yes, that absolutely should have been discussed first. It's possible he misunderstood the conversation, or he saw his out and took it. 

I would suggest contacting a lawyer ASAP. You need to protect yourself, and your children if you have them.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> Yes, that absolutely should have been discussed first. It's possible he misunderstood the conversation, or he saw his out and took it.
> 
> I would suggest contacting a lawyer ASAP. You need to protect yourself, and your children if you have them.


yeah.. It's crazy the way he did this.. not one word.. came home to an empty house... took every last thing that he brought even though I got rid of all my old stuff when we married.. so I had not much left in the house. It's just the fact that he did this without a work makes me very angry .. not sure I can ever trust him again.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> yeah.. It's crazy the way he did this.. not one word.. came home to an empty house... took every last thing that he brought even though I got rid of all my old stuff when we married.. so I had not much left in the house. It's just the fact that he did this without a work makes me very angry .. not sure I can ever trust him again.


I'm sorry you had to come home to that. That is a really hard thing to come back from. I know that because I've kind of been in your husbands spot. I told my wife I was taking the kids out for the day, left, and later texted her that I wasn't coming back and I kept the kids from her... Not my finest moment. That was in June, so it's still fresh, and the issues are definitely still there. 

I think couples can come back from it but it's hard, it requires work, and you won't ever trust him the same way or 100% - not that we should ever trust someone 100%.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> I'm sorry you had to come home to that. That is a really hard thing to come back from. I know that because I've kind of been in your husbands spot. I told my wife I was taking the kids out for the day, left, and later texted her that I wasn't coming back and I kept the kids from her... Not my finest moment. That was in June, so it's still fresh, and the issues are definitely still there.
> 
> I think couples can come back from it but it's hard, it requires work, and you won't ever trust him the same way or 100% - not that we should ever trust someone 100%.


So did u all get back together or not. ?To me this is a pretty permanent move on his part.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> So did u all get back together or not. ?To me this is a pretty permanent move on his part.


Yeah we are together. Granted, I didn't take anything out of the house, jewelry, etc. We have 3 properties so (temporarily) going somewhere else was easy.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

@SadOne1974 Where is he living now?


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> @SadOne1974 Where is he living now?


He’s living at his moms house. She has another house out of state which she will spend the next six months at. So her place was empty


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SadOne1974 said:


> He’s living at his moms house. She has another house out of state which she will spend the next six months at. So her place was empty


Is there any way to figure out if he's having another woman over? I think you said you asked him and he said no, but it's very rare for a cheater to admit to cheating when asked like that.


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## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> Is there any way to figure out if he's having another woman over? I think you said you asked him and he said no, but it's very rare for a cheater to admit to cheating when asked like that.



I don’t think he is cheating. I’m almost 100 % sure. But that’s a good idea. To try to find out it’s possible


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SadOne1974 said:


> So having marital issues. We went to a therapist who said for now we should take some time space and separation to think and get some clarity. So I leave to visit my sisters for a long weekend.. I come back and my husband has moved out. Not a word about it ..not a phone call or text.... I was totally surprised. He also drained some of our checking account. Took all the furniture /belongings that he brought into the marriage. Took some of the jewelry he gave me He says the therapist said we should separate.. so that's what he did...and my response is we did not talk about this and i was unaware that he was moving out. So I'm basically like hey you left me.. without even telling me and he claims that is not the case. My question is should we have discussed.. //////???I was completely unaware he was going to move out. I saw the therapist on my own after he left and she said in no way shape or form did she say or mean that one of us was to move out.


Yes, he left you and the way he has done it is a low underhand thing to do. Is there someone else in the picture? This man is no longer your H, you cannot trust him, he is the enemy. You are probably hurting right now but you need to get your ducks in a row to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Go get a lawyer now and explain the circumstances, change the locks on the doors. Are you working, financially independent?
Also go into stealth mode and hire a PI, I suspect there is someone on the side. Men rarely up and leave a marriage unless they are moving to someone else. How long have you been married? Are there kids?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bobert said:


> I'm sorry you had to come home to that. That is a really hard thing to come back from. I know that because I've kind of been in your husbands spot. I told my wife I was taking the kids out for the day, left, and later texted her that I wasn't coming back and I kept the kids from her... Not my finest moment. That was in June, so it's still fresh, and the issues are definitely still there.
> 
> I think couples can come back from it but it's hard, it requires work, and you won't ever trust him the same way or 100% - not that we should ever trust someone 100%.


a really ****ty thing to do imo


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

aine said:


> a really ****ty thing to do imo


Of course it was, I'd be the first one to admit that.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SadOne1974 said:


> yeah.. It's crazy the way he did this.. not one word.. came home to an empty house... took every last thing that he brought even though I got rid of all my old stuff when we married.. so I had not much left in the house. It's just the fact that he did this without a work makes me very angry .. *not sure I can ever trust him again*.


You can't, plain and simple. There is no coming back from this imo.

I also don't believe in separating to fix a marriage, how can you do that if you're not together?

You need to at the very least, discuss some ground rules for while you're separated, and when the end date is. How often will you see each other? Can you see other people? etc.

I'd be getting a lawyer and asking for my things back asap.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He took the weak cowardly way out. He didnt do the right thing by discusing this and talking it out with you or at least warning you. You should have been able to talk about who had what and he has actually stolen that jewellery if he gave to to you. Personally I would say that unless he returns it you are going to the police.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

It is possible he misunderstood the therapist, but it seems like an awful weak excuse. He did it while you were away without discussing it with you so it definitely sounds like a covert operation. Not to mention, he left you with nothing which is pretty low. He didn't care if you had a couch to sit on or a pot to piss in. That speaks volumes about how much he respects you. My husband and I were going to separate, I didn't want it at all and was very hurt by it. But even so, we still made it a point to discuss who was staying in the house, who was keeping what furniture, etc.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Sounds like he was already looking for a way out, and figured this opened the door to it. 

OP, I'd get an attorney, if you haven't already, and file for divorce, or at least discuss your options, understand what legal issues the separation can cause for you, and how to mitigate them.

I think - aside from cheating - my biggest fear if my spouse was now living separate would be her taking out loans that affected my credit or listing my assets as collateral for personal loans or something like that. Make sure he's not doing something like this.


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## saradanyal94 (Aug 17, 2020)

You need a divorce consultation badly at this point. I would assume that your husband's actions won't look good but you need to get the ball rolling legally because this will probably take a while to resolve. It's fair to assume that you won't be able to force your partner out of the house soon. From a practical point of view if there is any money in a joint checking account I would recommend moving half of it into an account your husband can't access.


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