# Expecting Hate Mail from this one....



## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

I'm newish here. First thread, that is. All I ask is that you read this with an open mind and save the insults. I know what I've done, what I continue to do, and what type of person I am... I'm looking for true advice/counsel--not a letter on what a terrible person I am. Believe me, I already know.
My story: I'm on my second marriage(result of an affair I had) I have 2 kids. One from my first marriage, and one from my second. My kids are 9 and 3. When I became pregnant with my second child, my husband emotionally and physically left our marriage. Not by cheating. He just refused intimacy with me and we grew apart. Slept in separate rooms. Discussed divorcing nearly every night after the kids were asleep. I would cry and beg him to tell me how to get him to love me again. He would ignore me and insist nothing was wrong. I was convinced he was having an affair. He would deny it. Fast forward>> Our son is now 3. My husband is still not interested in me sexually or otherwise. One night, I'm searching thru FB and I find my First Love. I mean, the absolute love of my life. I had been looking for him for 17 yrs. I finally found him. (rather he had finally found FB) Not a single day had gone by in all these years that I had not thought about him. I was never truly "over" him. I gave him my heart at 16 yrs old and never got it back. I'm thinking I'm going to message him and he's not going to have a clue who I am. He was the boy every girl wanted in HS. Trouble, but looked fantastic while being just that. We had a very special connection back when we were young. We just "clicked". Even through 2 marriages, I had never felt about anyone as I had for this man. We begin to chat online. Then we move up to texting. Then phone calls. Everyday. ALL day. He remembers me. Everything about me. About us. Things that I didn't even remember until he mentioned them. My heart is over-joyed that he did care for me, once. Our break up as kids was awful. (He had decided to date one of my friends.) I didn't stop crying for almost a year. I move on with my life and for 17 yrs don't know if he's alive or dead. But I think about him everyday. Suddenly, he's back. I'd never been happier. He asks to see me. I'm hesitant bc I know in my heart I'm still in love with him. It took him 7 months to talk me into it. We see each other and that's all it took. We clicked, once again. It was like not a day had gone by since we last saw each other (even though we were now 33) An affair begins almost immediately. We fall in love. He wants me to leave my husband. My first love has never been married, has no children, therefore can't understand what he's asking of me. He lives an hour away from me in a tiny one bedroom apartment in the city. I live in a beautiful home in the suburbs. I know if it weren't for my kids, I would leave everything I have for him. Everything. My husband finds out about the affair 5 mo into it. Somehow, I manage to keep my first love (off and on) even though my husband follows me to his apartment, calls, texts and emails my first love...not threatening him. Just asking him to leave me alone. My first love doesn't budge. He says he believes I'm worth the fight. I dreamed my whole life of this man saying those words to me. Loving me as I've always loved him. I finally HAVE that. But I have a family, too. A husband who (obviously) really does love me, it just took another man to make him realize it. I hate my husband for this. I think of all the nights I begged him to love me again. Now he's awake. Because I'm in love with another man. From start to finish, our affair lasts 11 months. My first love kept warning me... he wanted a life with me. But I couldn't make the decison to leave my husband. It isn't what's best for my kids. My first love begins to pull away from me. The texts/phone calls become fewer and fewer until eventually there are none. Panic sets in bc I know now I'm really going to lose him. After all the break-ups we'd been through throughout our affair, I want to believe this is the same. We will break up, and within 3 days, make up. We'd done it hundreds of times. Never going longer than 3 days without speaking. But this time is different. I'll never know if he had found someone else or if he really just couldn't wait any longer for me. The break up isn't clean, though. He leads me on a bit. Seeming as though he's not sure exactly what he wants to do with me. We see each other and it feels different. He's different. I ask if he's seeing someone else, he cheek checks me. I'd never had a man raise a hand to me before, and although it didn't hurt at all, my pride was hurt. I get up from his couch and leave. Days go by. I send him an email saying I was shocked by what he'd done and that obviously, things are very different between us now. 2 days go by and he emails a response saying simply "I'm sorry for everything." I try to play it down, joking about it (just thanking God he repsonded) and he does the same. He says he loves me but can't give me the life I'm used to. I'm broken beyond words. I try to keep a foot in his life for 6 months afterwards, but it's just torture. He rarely answers any texts or emails and never answers his cell when I call. I FEEL he's just gone. I'm devastated. I loved him beyond comprehension. How could he just LEAVE me here like this? He ruined my marriage. (Yes, I know I did, as well) but he turned my life upside down and then he just walked away. How could someone DO that? The emails I send him, begging him for closure, go unanswered. He calls one night (after only here and there texting, now and then) and leaves a VM saying he wanted to Skype with me. To put some "realism" back into it (it had been one month since we'd last saw each other) He says "probably can't happen, though, since you always have someone looking over your shoulder" (meaning my husband, who is still sleeping in a separate room) he goes on to say "This is why we are where we are"... I try to text him back, and he doesn't respond. We set it up to Skype one day, and do. First time for me, it was a little strange. And it hurt to see him again. The conversation was kept light. I asked him if I could see him that weekend, he seemed ok with this. Not overly excited, though. Towards the end of the short convo he says " Ok, well show me your boobs" I say " Umm, no....maybe your other GF's will do that for ya" He'd suddenly gone from my screen. Ended the Skype session. Hung up on me, if you will. I text him asking him why he would do that. He said bc I always have to start with my BS about him seeing someone else. ***(In my opinion, when a guy freaks bc a woman accuses/suggests him of seeing someone else, odds are, he's seeing someone else, right?????)*** He says " i tried to end the converstation on a good note by asking you to show me your boobs, and you have to freak out and accuse me!!" This was a month ago. It has now been 2 months since we've (phsyically) saw each other. 
2 weeks ago, I had been drinking quite a bit and sent him a nasty email telling him not to forget what he's done to me and my family. After some nasty back and forth responses, he emails me saying "Leave me alone or I'm going to call your husband and tell him what you're doing". I respond saying he's nuts. My husband comes into my room, and says he needs to talk to me. I said "If he called you, I don't know want to know what he said" He had text my husband saying"Control your wife! if she sends me anymore texts or emails telling me to die(??which _I did _not do??)she's going to have trouble and so will you. I have not contacted her in over 2 months (LIE) so there's really no reason for this. Control her!" 
The following day, I sent him an email explaining why I did what I did, and how I just didn't want to believe he felt no remorse for what he's done. That I had really loved him and I'd given up everything for him. I ended it by saying "there's no need to contact my "father" again, he knows everything anyway. I'm as dead to you as you are to me"
That was 2 weeks ago and the longest he and I have gone without one of us contacting the other. I know now it is truly over and I've been trying to make my marriage work. I've learned that I have a wonderful husband and life here. But my heart still aches for my first love. My husband knows this, as well , as I've been almost too honest with him since this all ended. I want to feel this way for my husband, but I can't. I never have. My first love has my heart and it kills me to realize I never really meant anything to him. That he never loved me at all. And now I'm left cleaning up the mess he's made of my life by making me believe he was in love with me. His life has not changed at all. Mine is forever broken and will more than likely end in another divorce. So when I say he's destroyed my life and my kid's lives, I'm not really that far off. I just need to know how I can move on and let him go, completely. After everything we'd been through--- Did he EVER care about me? Ever? 
Anyone ever see "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind"?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You move on by soberly realizing what your affair was. A schoolgirl crush. It wasn't based on this man's compatibility with you or your family. It was based on how hot he was in high school.

You focus on your husband's positives and this guy's negatives. He lives in a small apartment while your husband can afford a nice house. The other man has no qualms about using married women for sex.

So, he's a financially marginal, morally bankrupt man trading on his status in high school to see your boobs on the internet. And if you don't like it, you'll get a smack.

Commit to your husband. You've said he abandoned you first, but I doubt you were ever that committed when you admit that you didn't love him like you loved your high school boyfriend. Take this opportunity to build a real marriage with him. Start sleeping in the same room. Start going on dates. Start having sex.

Good luck.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

miserablymarried said:


> One night, I'm searching thru FB and I find my First Love. I mean, the absolute love of my life. I had been looking for him for 17 yrs. I finally found him. ....I'm thinking I'm going to message him and he's not going to have a clue who I am. He was the boy every girl wanted in HS. ...An affair begins almost immediately. We fall in love. He wants me to leave my husband.


It seemed pretty clear by the start of your post that you searched for and pursued this man, not the other way around.


miserablymarried said:


> And now I'm left cleaning up the mess he's made of my life by making me believe he was in love with me.


Are you really trying to pin this on him? Seriously, you were the pursuer in this case and rather than work on the issues within your marriage, chose to instead have an affair. I think you need to take full responsibility for the mess you've made of your life and stop blaming the other man.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You say that you have a great husband and life. Yet you yearn for someone who clearly disrespects women, and even hits them. 

I'll keep this short and to the point. Go to MC with your husband and try to fix your marriage if you can. Get it your every effort. If it doesn't work out, end it. But DO NOT go to the guy who stole you immature heart when you so young, and has not made anything of himself other than an abuser of woman (physically and mentally). Useless being treated like dirt is of interest to you.

And get some IC for yourself because you are in a fog.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Don`t they teach the concept of "paragraphs" in school nowdays?

The regulars are going to slaughter you and you deserve it.

You`re so narcissistic I can smell it through my monitor.
Your husband sucks, your OM sucks, everyone sucks but you however you`re the only one lying and cheating and disrespecting EVERYONE in this scenario.

It`s the OM`s fault your marriage is ****ed up?
Blameshift much?

It`s your fault and no one else`s he didn`t make any vows to your husband and in fact he had your back in the beginning of the relationship.

He went cold because YOU USED HIM he wanted a relationship but you just wanted to string him along so you could have these happy feel good "love of my life" feelings.
What utter bull****, you don`t even have a clue what "love" is.
You don`t love the OM and you don`t love your husband.

I hope your husband divorces you and the OM gets an RO on you if you call him again.

You need serious therapy.


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## Lookingforclosure (Oct 24, 2011)

Wow, I don't know which type of advice you think we will give you. Let me make this clear you were never committed to your marriage. On your own words you looked for this man for 17 years. All your marriage you were thinking about him! You never really gave your husband a chance! For half of your life you have been living in this fantasy land were Mr. wonderful would come and rescue you, it's ridiculous! Now you realized you will very likely lose your husband and you won't have the OM either because like all man who go after married women he just wanted you for sex! Have you thought of the devastation who will cause to your children's lives? The pain and scars you will cause your husband? How this will affect them in the future?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> And now I'm left cleaning up the mess *he's made of my life* by making me believe he was in love with me.


Oh Boo-freaking-hoo. POOR YOU. In today's thread, a 33 year old woman discovers that reality always crushes facebook fantasy world relationships. Positively strangles the life out of them. That's why they are fantasy right, because reality is always hard to some extent?

Maybe this guy was really your white knight in shining armor ready to take to to a reality worth scripting a movie over and you screwed it up by being indecisive. Or maybe, you were just a no-string piece of married tail to him. (i.e. show me your boobs - that had to hurt)

Only one thing in your thread really caught my attention though:

"But I have a family, too. A husband who (obviously) really does love me, it just took another man to make him realize it. *I hate my husband for this.* I think of all the nights I begged him to love me again. Now he's awake. Because I'm in love with another man."

I can relate because the same thing (sort of) happened to me. I was fortunate that things did not progress nearly to the point that your situation did in our case. And my wife did not blameshift EVERYTHING...

I think it starts with you. Either you can decide to get over the "I HATE MY HUSBAND FOR THIS" attitude and hope he can forgive you and move on. Or you can hold on to it to excuse your affair behavior and self-pity.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

While I don't have the same intensity I agree with what most of Tacoma has said. The pain you're in, the mess that YOU made - these are the prices of cheating. You may well be about to pay the ultimate price of cake eating - losing both and ending up with neither. Because you couldn't make a decision. BUT you now can make a decision that MIGHT save your marriage, and that is to totally recommit yourself to your marriage. If you just can't love him go ahead and cut him lose, but if you know deep down that you do and that with some work and effort you can find happiness in your marriage and that you can be a loyal and devoted wife then give yourself to your marriage and hope and pray that your H can forgive you. 

And get some counseling, I get the feeling you are not going to be able to deal with this with some professional help. Oh and FWIW - I'm a wayward too, also with an old highschool flame who found me on FB...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

It's laughable that you're concerned about your affair partner seeing someone else. What you had wasn't a real relationship. He was able to put on his Prince Charming mask because he wasn't around as often as a man in a REAL relationship is. Even then, he managed to strike you. Imagine moving in with this man...You'd be black and blue. Would your children be, too? Or did you even stop to think your behavior could affect them? Scratch that, it DOES affect them. You've single-handedly turned their home lives upside down.

Get into IC immediately. If you went to MC at this point they'd likely tell you you're not ready because of the magnitude of your issues. You need to learn to be responsible for your own happiness. If you keep seeking it elsewhere you'll continue hurting yourself and the people you (should) love the most. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

It is incredible how completely selfish cheaters are. Whatever it takes to get what they want, they always find a way to justify it to themselves and shift the blame to someone else.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

I didn't read your long post - I hate reading stuff without paragraphs. But I got the jist of it and I suggest you follow what some of the others have said...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> *Don`t they teach the concept of "paragraphs" in school nowdays?*
> 
> The regulars are going to slaughter you and you deserve it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ren said:


> It is incredible how completely selfish cheaters are. Whatever it takes to get what they want, they always find a way to justify it to themselves and shift the blame to someone else.


No ren this isn`t an indication of a cheater.
While cheaters do blameshift and rewrite history they usually come around once reality has set in.
Many of them are horribly traumatized by their affair actions once it becomes clear to their fogged out brains.

What you have here is a fogged out narcissist.
Freaking scary concept, even scarier reality.



Edit:
Actually while checking out some of the OP`s past posts I found it in her own words..



miserablymarried said:


> To TRy:::: "Chain Cheater"? Perhaps....although I prefer "Narcissistic Sociopath".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I`d say that`s a pretty good self diagnosis.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I just went and read a couple of your other post. You really do need to get some counseling. You're searching for your happiness in others and you'll never find anything other than disappointment that way. 

Married, cheated, married the OM, cheated again, got dumped by OM2, now can't deal with having been dumped despite still being married to OM2. See a pattern here? If the marriage with OM2 doesn't survive you may need to spend sometime alone to figure yourself out before getting into another relationship.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

To sum things up. Your lazyness towards easy but bad choices and your fear of making tough but good choices, are what brought you pain and misery. Until you change that around, you'll continue on the same path. You'd be wise to seek individual counseling.


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## Lookingforclosure (Oct 24, 2011)

One more thing, please protect your children from all this. Do not bring this OM or any OMs around your kids, do not argue with your husband in front of them, do not let them get the perception that this is okay or that this is what a marriage is like, it will affect them and will affect their relationships in the future. At least do the right thing for your kids. Seek help, you do need some serious counseling!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, wow....your husband finds out and you're proud that you were able to convince the OM to stick around? Your husband followed you to his apartment and you ignore his texts and phonecalls while you were inside screwing this guy? 

Your whole post was about you, you and you. Okay, so you didn't have the greatest of marriages. You say that you begged and pleaded with your husband to love you again. Okay, maybe that happened and maybe it didn't. If your husband came on here, I bet we might get an entirely different story. 

Sorry, but if I was your husband, you would have been long gone. I would have dropped you in a minute. Just the amount of disrespect and contempt you shown your husband is deporable. Oh, and the OM smacking you? Yeah, he's a winner. A REAL man NEVER raises a hand to a woman. 

So, he smacks you, sleeps with a married woman who has children, destroys your marriage and tears your family apart and then texts YOUR HUSBAND to control YOU or else it's gonna be trouble to the BOTH of you? I'm sorry, but if I was your husband I would have jumped in the car head to the bank to make a withdrawl for bail money because I would then go over there and kick his ass!!

You paint your husband as some evil person that is not capable of loving, but from what you written, he's a saint in my book for putting up with the crap you and your lover dished out to him.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Forget all the naysayers! I say "go for it" and move out and see if your "first love" will take you in.If you can draw the same judge that my ex did, you may end up with everything your husband presently thinks is his and you can move the stud in with you.
Of course, once you are rid of your husband, HE will be rid of YOU and will be able to find somebody who feels he can measure up to HER expectations.
You only live once and it seems that NOBODY has ever appreciated the "real" you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The OP is delusional. I remember how ridiculous her past posts were. Troll? U say u gave up everything for the OM but u haven't given up anything at all. You need a lot of therapy
I'm surprised your husband hasn't left u.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I just went and read a couple of your other post. You really do need to get some counseling. You're searching for your happiness in others and you'll never find anything other than disappointment that way.
> 
> *Married, cheated, married the OM, cheated again, got dumped by OM2, now can't deal with having been dumped despite still being married to OM. See a pattern here? If the marriage with OM doesn't survive you may need to spend sometime alone to figure yourself out before getting into another relationship.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look in the mirror, that person is you, and you alone have created this hell that is your life.

You have humiliated and cheated on every man you have married. And not just drunken ONS but on going in your face, dare me to stop affairs

You've hurt your kids emotionally. They see the hideous way you callously treat the men you marry. Do you want to begin imagining how screwed up their views on relationships are going to be? They'll either end up a serial cheaters like trashing through the lives of people that trusted them and loved them, or they will reject relationships all together and live lonely lives.

Firs t step? You need to stop pursuing men. Second step stop cheating.

Third step? Get some serious therapy for both your intense selfish personality, and also learn some respect and care for others.

Right now your post is entirely how the most recent guy your cheating with told you to leave him alone. It's not about fixing you, it's not about caring for your kids, it's not about fixing he marriage YOU trashed without a care, or you husband who you cuckolded. Right now your wanting us to make you feel better about your cheating partner dumping you.

Not gonna happen in a million years lady.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I was going to say high functioning paranoid narcissist with sociopathic overtones. Toxic self love to superhuman levels


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

What an idiot.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Nothing to add, a self-driven trainwreck yet again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ok - so the rhetorical question. Why would she title a thread, "Expecting Hate Mail from this one...." and then not be back to face the music she asked us to play? 

I'm feeling used....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because the truth is a motherf-cker to have to deal with

I'm too tired and sick to copy/pastes her other posts but they were just... there are no words.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

post and run, last login time was one minute after posting


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Leave for the High School dreamboat and let your husband find a wife who is an adult.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

"He was the love of my life when I was 16!!!" - Of course he was the love of your life when you were 16. You were SIXTEEN!!!!!! How many could there have been????

What a bunch of BS. If I based my current relationship on the one I had with the little boy I was with when I was 16, and all the knowledge I had then in my 16-year-old-know-it-all-head, all the more pity to me!

Do these people really believe themselves? How many times are we going to read about someone who's reconnected with their soul-mate after 10, 15, 25 years? The one and only person they ever loved? Give me a break...! Chances are you dumped little Johnny for kissing your best friend Becky behind the gym. Or you took off on him for that hot older guy in Senior Year! Get over this crap...Fricken middle aged crises all over the place...


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> "He was the love of my life when I was 16!!!" - Of course he was the love of your life when you were 16. You were SIXTEEN!!!!!! How many could there have been????
> 
> What a bunch of BS. If I based my current relationship on the one I had with the little boy I was with when I was 16, and all the knowledge I had then in my 16-year-old-know-it-all-head, all the more pity to me!
> 
> Do these people really believe themselves? How many times are we going to read about someone who's reconnected with their soul-mate after 10, 15, 25 years? The one and only person they ever loved? Give me a break...! Chances are you dumped little Johnny for kissing your best friend Becky behind the gym. Or you took off on him for that hot older guy in Senior Year! Get over this crap...*Fricken middle aged crises all over the place*...


If only I could find the girl I was in a first grade class with. I pulled her ponytail and from that day forward I knew she was at one with nature and the only girl for me. 

I can't remember her name, and never actually had a real conversation with her. But I just know we are meant to be one!!!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

This is a dead thread, I'll be shocked if the OP ever comes back.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

Well! I ceratainly got the reaction I was expecting! So much for "dignity and respect" for fellow members...sheesh! I'm not here to waste time with name calling like so MANY of you all...although I do appreciate your taking the time (and you must have quite a bit of it) to respond to my thread. 
Oh, and for those of you who ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME to comment on "paragraphs" or lack thereof; I was posting as quickly as possible and didn't know I was being "graded" on my writing skills. As it is, this will be my last visit to this site. 
I thought I made it clear that I am well aware of the "type" of person I am, and all *"I *HAVE DONE AND CONTINUE TO DO"- I asked for rude and hurtful comments to be withheld as I was looking for help, not criticism to which I am already WELL aware. 
I'm extremely emotionally immature and as posted in another thread, think of myself as a narrsisistic sociopath. Having said that, I take FULL responsibility for my actions. When I say my life was ruined by this man, it is because I spent _7 months _explaining to him the reasons I _did NOT _want to see him again. Making the decision to do so, yes, this IS MY FAULT. But he did CONVINCE me he HAD changed. I believed him. Or wanted to, at least. The pain he put me through as a young woman and a not so young woman, is simply inconceivable to me. The reason for the "fog" I'm in continues to elude me and thus the reason for this thread. Again, searching for HELP, not "OMG! DID YOU CHECK OUT THIS CHICKS WRITING SKILLS?" I mean really, people? What a WASTE of time! 
To those of you who responded with advice with marked intelligence Thank You(Angel5112 and others)


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

crossbar said:


> This is a dead thread, I'll be shocked if the OP ever comes back.


Shocked, honey?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well at least you came back. I started to say that since this is your second affair you should understand the fog but since you went though with that affair you never went through the process of quitting an affair. 

The answer to your question of the reason for the fog you're in, and (presumably) why you are still in it and still hurting is this. You're addicted. Addicted to the brain chemicals that the OM triggered in you. As for how long it will go on. Here's the really f'd up part - as long as you let it. You have pretty serious issues, but you know that - your behavior, your OM's behavior were exceedingly bad - you earned pain and heartache, I would tell you to take them like a man, but well.... So put on your big girl panties and accept what you earned. Either decide you love your husband, recommit to the marriage and take your punishment, and later work on your marriage. Or, decide that you can't and leave. Don't wallow in the heartbreak of being dumped by a HS BF. Either commit to your marriage and to working through all of the issues you, your H and your marriage have or call it quits. 

I'll add this last thing. Regardless of which choice you make, the pain and hurt will still be there. You can't escape or run from the prices of your actions.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> I thought I made it clear that I am well aware of the "type" of person I am, and all *"I *HAVE DONE AND CONTINUE TO DO"- I asked for rude and hurtful comments to be withheld as I was looking for help, not criticism to which I am already WELL aware.



What else were you expecting us to say? That we understand your pain, your hurt, your devestation that a guy you dated 17 yrs ago caused all the problems? As many of us BS, we don't feel a whole h*ll of alot of sympathy for WS. My 2 cents


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Damn Craggy, that avatar is about to put me into some kind of seizure.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Damn Craggy, that avatar is about to put me into some kind of seizure.



Fine, I'll get rid of it


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> What else were you expecting us to say? That we understand your pain, your hurt, your devestation that a guy you dated 17 yrs ago caused all the problems? As many of us BS, we don't feel a whole h*ll of alot of sympathy for WS. My 2 cents


Not at all. I was hoping for HELP in understanding. Hoped to skip the childish BS. Speaking of...the correct spelling of :
D-e-v-a-s-t-a-t-i-o-n 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Well at least you came back. I started to say that since this is your second affair you should understand the fog but since you went though with that affair you never went through the process of quitting an affair.
> 
> The answer to your question of the reason for the fog you're in, and (presumably) why you are still in it and still hurting is this. You're addicted. Addicted to the brain chemicals that the OM triggered in you. As for how long it will go on. Here's the really f'd up part - as long as you let it. You have pretty serious issues, but you know that - your behavior, your OM's behavior were exceedingly bad - you earned pain and heartache, I would tell you to take them like a man, but well.... So put on your big girl panties and accept what you earned. Either decide you love your husband, recommit to the marriage and take your punishment, and later work on your marriage. Or, decide that you can't and leave. Don't wallow in the heartbreak of being dumped by a HS BF. Either commit to your marriage and to working through all of the issues you, your H and your marriage have or call it quits.
> 
> I'll add this last thing. Regardless of which choice you make, the pain and hurt will still be there. You can't escape or run from the prices of your actions.


Learning that the hard way. Thanks for your help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I don't believe the paragraph thing is meant to be a slam on your writing skills. It's just extremely hard to read something in one big block on these threads. Many people don't double space between paragraphs the first time they post and it almost always gets commented on. You'll get more people reading your story if it's easy on the eyes. 

As far as advice . . . I think IC is your best bet. You are aware of your issues and the devastation you've caused, but need help moving forward with serious personal changes. Your focus should be on how to make sure you don't keep making bad choices in the future, not how an old HS BF treated you.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

If you wanted the non-crticism it is apparent you should have just continued to talk to your husband. Many posters on this site have had their emotions torn apart by a spouse who acted similar to you in their uncaring about the harm they caused by having an affair.

For the most part people on this site react similar to having R. Lee Ermey as a counselor (Geico Commercial) and for the most part that is not bad because if you want someone to hold your hand and tell you it is alright you probably need to someone who is with the clergy.

On your issue, big clue it is all up to you. It is apparent your husband wants to try and reconcile but you do not seem to be in that frame of mind. Unless you are willing to commit and do the hard work, trying to gain his respect by being truthful, faithful and b y being a good wife. you might as well quite right now.

Why do I say that, save your husband the time and effort he will need to put into it to try and respect you again. Care enough about him to not put him through the pain of a Half-A** attempt at reconcilliation. From what you have written you have ran the tires over him and backed up on him a few times. 

So the answer is it is up to you per what you have stated I question whether you are willing to put in the work to make your marriage work.

As to the Love of your Life, all he wanted was a Piece of A** that he has no investment in. His feeble attempt to get you to show him your breasts over Skype really tells me how he views you as a person, just a piece of meat.

If you want that, you can just signup for one of those Amateur nights at a Strip Club. He would probably enjoy that, just give him the location and the night you are going to do it.

In essence you need psychological help because you appear to care for no one but yourself and it is everyone else's fault that they do not see the pain you are in. How much pain are you in vs. the pain you have caused your husband? From what you have stated the pain you are in is greater than your husband. 

Until you recognize your issues you will not be able to move forward.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

The right thing to do in your case would be to divorce or separate and seek individual counselling/therapy....you didn't need to write a long story to describe your situation because either way you are in the wrong. You definitely won't get much sympathy here and honestly sympathy or "understanding" is not what you NEED. But what you WANT is justification, until you realize that what you need is more important than what you want you will just be going around in circles. When retribution comes (and trust me it always does) you will regret not listening to the advice on here.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If you get good therapy (from a psychologist), you will learn that:

- your childhood was dysfunctional and you never learned what healthy love is all about
- you don't love yourself and you are looking for external validation to make you feel okay
- external validation (affairs) does not make you feel okay about yourself; when the infatuation phase winds down, which it inevitably does, you are back to feeling bad about yourself
- you are terrified of true commitment/intimacy, which is evidenced by the fact that you don't value the husbands who have been committed to you, but you DO value a boyfriend who cheated on you in high school, is living like he's still 19, and toyed with you and then cheated on you again, treating you with breathtaking indifference; you behave this way because you don't value yourself in the least

Everyone has some narcissism, but if you truly had NPD, you would not be asking for help, acknowledging you have a problem (I hope you are acknowledging that you have a problem) or saying that you think you are a narcissistic sociopath. If you are willing to get intensive therapy (you really, really need it), there is hope for you. But you have to face up to some really ugly truths, and that is going to be hard for you because your tendency seems to be to retreat to fantasy land (a la affairs) when you start to feel bad about yourself.

Your issues are way too extensive to be dealt with on a message board. Find a licensed psychologist, as they use evidence-based therapy to treat their clients and are more effective, in general. 

I would say that your issues stem from your childhood - the standard stuff - abusive, narcissistic, controlling or highly critical parents (or all of the above) who did not give you unconditional love. So you feel damaged and act accordingly. It's common, as is your story. There is nothing unique or special about your "love" for your HS boyfriend or your story of infidelity. I say this not to be nasty, but to let you know that the stories of infidelity are remarkably similar - unhappy people who find someone who they think will mirror back what they want to hear. Sadly, it's based in fantasy, not grounded in real, healthy, mature love.

I hope you get some help. This is no way to live. 

And if you are wondering why I didn't say much about your HS boyfriend, it is because he is irrelevant. YOU did this to yourself 100%. You allowed him into your marriage, you allowed him to use you, and the first step in getting healthy is to accept that there was never any valid reason to cheat and that your destructive behavior is the primary issue, not your HS boyfriend.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

When a man neglects his wife, she usually feels like a piece of wallpaper. 

Ya'l know the scene. He comes home after being out all day, has dinner, a few drinks, falls asleep, wakens up and then expects his neglected spouse to be ready and willing to have sex! In your case, hubby didn't want sex.

Husband wakens up once you've employed the most destructive weapon ever....an affair. Infidelity is like a nuclear winter for a LS. Think yourself lucky that your husband has woken up and is willing to make the marriage work in spite of your infidelity.

Forget loverboy. You sought him out and woken up a dead relationship yet didn't follow through with it. Now you've potentially screwed up your marriage too. 

Both you and your husband have agreed to work on the marriage and you must put the old flame out of your mind because all along you wanted your husband but he was too damned busy neglecting you and your needs and in the end you ended up neglecting him in faviur of OM. Two negatives don't make a positive. 

Sort out your marriage. Make it stronger. Leave the past behind. Fantasy affairs are short lived and built on a foundation of sand that shifts at the first hurdle.

Those that leave for OW/OM have no morals. Both cheats that deserve each other.

Cheaters destroy lives, including children's lives. 

The reality is you didn't properly think through your fantasy prior to making contact with OM, or appreciate how it would affect yoiur kids lives.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

miserablymarried said:


> Not at all. I was hoping for HELP in understanding. Hoped to skip the childish BS. Speaking of...the correct spelling of :
> D-e-v-a-s-t-a-t-i-o-n
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So after three pages of people dissecting your behavior, you find it appropriate to make a joke?

Is that skipping childish BS?

I feel sad for your family. and for you. Surely, you know your path of destruction is clear and straightlining.

Maybe take the time to stop digging the hole and figure out the way to the top of the hole.

I recommend you get the help of a professional mental health expert.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> If you get good therapy (from a psychologist), you will learn that:
> 
> - your childhood was dysfunctional and you never learned what healthy love is all about
> - you don't love yourself and you are looking for external validation to make you feel okay
> ...


If you're not a therapist, you should be. I agree with everything you've mentioned. I should mention I was diagnosed as bipolar with major depression a little over a year ago when this all took place. I couldn't afford to return to my therapist. Any suggestions? I obviously am in grave need of a psychiatrist (I believe) not a therapist or counselor. I think I'm way over their heads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There are two members of this forum who are bipolar, one a former betrayed spouse the other a former unfaithful spouse. I don't want to say who they are out of respect for their privacy but you can create a thread calling them out and if they respond, they can share with you their experiences and maybe give you some practical advise.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

raises hand

while I have a large ego when I'm manic my narcissistic tendencies gravitated towards being fun/the life of the party and spending on others and myself


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

rrrbbbttt said:


> If you wanted the non-crticism it is apparent you should have just continued to talk to your husband. Many posters on this site have had their emotions torn apart by a spouse who acted similar to you in their uncaring about the harm they caused by having an affair.
> 
> For the most part people on this site react similar to having R. Lee Ermey as a counselor (Geico Commercial) and for the most part that is not bad because if you want someone to hold your hand and tell you it is alright you probably need to someone who is with the clergy.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your insight and advice and I agree. I find speaking with friends or family regarding this matter is rough. They know me and persons involved. Biased opinions will be the result. 
Perhaps I visited the wrong site, although I thought I was in the right, as I do want my marriage to work. But in order for that to happen I have to first find out what the F is wrong with me! This cycle is out of control. As mentioned earlier I was diagnosed as bipolar with major depression when this all took place. 
I would also like to mention, for the record, I've never made my husband out to be "evil" on this thread. He's a wonderful man and father and I do not deserve him. Believe me, I tell him this daily. 
So, where do I sign up for amateur strip night? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> So after three pages of people dissecting your behavior, you find it appropriate to make a joke?
> 
> Is that skipping childish BS?


I wanted to say that too but was afraid I'd get a lashing from the mods.

miserablymarried, I find it very hard to have anything but disdain for you as you are trying to find justification in your affair. YOU sought HIM out and all he wanted was a booty call. Putting blame on your husband for not showing you affection is no excuse for what you did. 
And how is being diagnosed as bipolar have anything to do with your affair?


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> I wanted to say that too but was afraid I'd get a lashing from the mods.
> 
> miserablymarried, I find it very hard to have anything but disdain for you as you are trying to find justification in your affair. YOU sought HIM out and all he wanted was a booty call. Putting blame on your husband for not showing you affection is no excuse for what you did.
> And how is being diagnosed as bipolar have anything to do with your affair?


Obviously you know nothing of bipolar disorders. Well, if interested, look them up and get back to me. 
Btw, not looking for justification. I know all to well what I've done to my husband and my family. I believe I posted this in my original thread, as well. Have a good day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Obviously you know nothing of bipolar disorders. Well, if interested, look them up and get back to me.
> Btw, not looking for justification. I know all to well what I've done to my husband and my family. I believe I posted this in my original thread, as well. Have a good day!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oops, spelling error!! *Too well. Had to catch that before the hounds were released!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Obviously you know nothing of bipolar disorders. Well, if interested, look them up and get back to me.
> Btw, not looking for justification. I know all to well what I've done to my husband and my family. I believe I posted this in my original thread, as well. Have a good day!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So enlighten me. Bipolar means your susceptible to cheating?


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> So enlighten me. Bipolar means your susceptible to cheating?


Ugh. Of course not, silly!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think she means that bi polar means it is not her fault and she is the victim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Not sure if I'm the other person Mori was referring to or not but, I'm not bipolar. I have BPD and a myriad of other things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think she means that bi polar means it is not her fault and she is the victim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I stand corrected


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Not sure if I'm the other person Mori was referring to or not but, I'm not bipolar. I have BPD and a myriad of other things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes you were but as I said in my post, I wanted to respect your privacy as well the privacy as AlmostRecovered.

I believe both you and AR can offer her invaluable advise as well as a needed virtual 2x4 over her head.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Couldn't afford or Did not want to? 

There are many organizations,NAMI for one, who offer support and do offer avenues for individuals who suffer from Bipolar for help. Also, if you take the time to search on the Web or with your local community their are local support groups for Bipolar individuals. How do I know, I have a Bipolar daughter. The main point of all the therapy and support is the individual has to want to get well and not keep thinking they are a victim.

Again, as I said before, your choice.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let me make something clear, whether you know this or not

being bipolar doesnt mean you arent responsible for your actions, bipolar people can tell the difference between right and wrong


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> I would also like to mention, for the record, I've never made my husband out to be "evil" on this thread. He's a wonderful man and father and I do not deserve him. Believe me, I tell him this daily.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's great that you feel that way. But you also said that You *HATE* your husband for only waking up to the true state of your relationship after he discovered you had an affair. What are you planning on doing about this hate and resentment you have towards him?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Shocked, honey?


YEP!!! Shocked at you coming back AND at your behavior. So, now that the OM dumped you and you pretty much destroyed your family, what's your game plan?


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

Yawn. Too many "slams" on here and not enough useful advice. Sorry I wasted my time and most of all of yours. Again, for those who actually took the time to offer true advice/help (minus the slams) I thank you. 
Best of luck to you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Yawn. Too many "slams" on here and not enough useful advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


find a forum for cheaters, they'll tell you what you want to hear


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You can still get advise from others who are bipolar or have BPD by PM them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just be single and sleep around like a lot of people do. Be honest and up front with the men you're seeing and do what you gotta do. No shame in that if they know the game.



Srsly.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Yawn. Too many "slams" on here and not enough useful advice. Sorry I wasted my time and most of all of yours. Again, for those who actually took the time to offer true advice/help (minus the slams) I thank you.
> Best of luck to you all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can go to the forum called TOW. They high five each other over their affairs.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

attitude has a lot to do with it

there are actually plenty of waywards here who are valued posters

entropy
sigma
jellybeans
hertoo
pidge and joekidd (both cheated on each other)

just to name a few off of the top of my head


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Yawn. Too many "slams" on here and not enough useful advice.


Not willing to be accountable for your actions and your attitude seems to be the problem. The advise was to work on your marriage and to get psychological help. 

When you mentioned that you couldn't afford the help people came with solutions, which you dismissed because it would require you to be accountable. Though I wonder why you can't afford since you stated in your first post that you lived in a nice house in the suburbs which you were willing to give up for a one room apartment with your long lost love.

Agree with others you were looking for someone to verify your actions.

Please go get a divorce and allow your husband and children to have a life.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

she never seemed to want help in the first place, just validation of her feelings. Her entire first post was basically "how could this ex-BF do this to me???? He ruined my life.". Then, later, "I have bipolar" and I am too deep and complicated for normal counselors. And jokes about spelling and paragraphs.

Waste of time hoping improvements are imminent until you can begin being honest with yourself.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

She's gone.......didn't get the "advice" she wanted in this forum


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> She's gone.......didn't get the "advice" she wanted in this forum


I gave her good advice!! Be single and go shag whomever you want! Problem solved. Kinda.:smthumbup:


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## LovetheDaisy (Oct 12, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


:iagree::smthumbup:

You made this mess and now want to blame someone else. You are lucky to still be holding onto that husband of yours. Because if it were me, I would have left your ass.


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## LovetheDaisy (Oct 12, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Don`t they teach the concept of "paragraphs" in school nowdays?
> 
> The regulars are going to slaughter you and you deserve it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Wow, just wow.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Craggy456 said:


> So enlighten me. Bipolar means your susceptible to cheating?


Actually--susceptible--to a degree, yes. Manic and hypomanic states can be characterized by symptoms that include impulsive behavior, inflated ego, hypersexuality, and general disregard of consequences. All of those things can make it very easy to make the choice to cheat.

However, as Almostrecovered mentioned--in those states, we _choose to ignore_ right and wrong, we're not unaware of it. In all but the true psychotic states, we're absolutely responsible for the choices we make. 

And frankly, if you can put yourself together enough to make someone want to er... "cheat" with you ... you're probably not psychotic. Grooming isn't high on the list of things to do when you're experiencing a true psychotic break. 

So bipolar isn't a get out of infidelity free card...but it could be argued that it can put one at higher risk for cheating if that's how their symptoms tend to present.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Couldn't have said It better myself gypsy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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