# 19 years married and she wants a divorce.Help!



## JHELP

Hi Ladies,
I need a womans point of view. I am 44 as is my wife and we have been married 19 years. My wife told me recently she wants a divorce and doesn't want to give counsling a try.We also have two kids 11,15. We have been living basically as roomates for the last 3 years and while we do things a s a family with the kids she has started to do things much more with her freinds. She says she feels she has become very independent over the last couple of years and does not want to go back and like the way she feels now.

There has been no abuse or anything like that but she did say she thought I had been controlling and when we did fight I would say mean things(I would curse but never thought I was abusive) that chipped away at her heart. She had told me this over the years after we fought but being a man I just thought it was a heat of the moment thing as I guy we get over the fights real quick I now understand this is not the case in my wifes situation.

I want to make things work and have been changing how I react to things she has pointed out as problems. I have read books on saving my marriage and how to help myself change some of my poor habits. I really feel we can work this out if she will just open her heart and mind just a little bit. We are getting along fine and really have not talked much more about the divorce but I know it is coming (she hates confrontation of any kind).

My question is wht should I be doing to win her back without over doing it and driving her away faster.Her telling me for the first time she wanted a divorce made me see clearly things needed to change. I just wish we would have been communicating about all this through the years . I had no idea she was at this point even though I knew things were not great.
Thanks for any advise


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## greeneyeddolphin

Keep improving the communication. Suggest counseling again. Try to do things that will show her you have changed. The thing is, though, if this has been building for a really long time (as you indicate), it won't be easy to convince her that you have changed and that the relationship will change. 

My best advice would be to tell her you understand you've hurt her, you'd like to change this, but you can't force her to do anything. Then ask her, if instead of divorce, she'll consider a separation while keeping an open mind towards you and the possibility that you've changed.

I know, for me with my ex, when I reached the point where I told him I wanted a divorce, I'd also reached the point where nothing could change my mind. I let it build and build and build (well, I did talk to him, but nothing ever changed) until I'd just had all I could take and even if he'd turned in a saint, a prince, whatever, it wouldn't have changed my mind. 

But it's always worth trying. I wish you the best of luck.


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## JHELP

Thanks for the feedback. I have been doing the things you said and just hope it is not to late.Frustrating to say the least but I know it will take time after all it took time to get us where we are.
Thanks again it is really appreciated


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## 827Aug

You are doing the right things. The only thing I can add is for you to go to counseling. Go for yourself and leave the door open for her. If you are a religious family now would be a good time to speak to the minister or priest. I really feel for you--I know how hard all of this is.


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## michzz

Are you positive that these friends she is going out with are not really some guy she is involved with?

Call me a cynic...


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## JHELP

Yes I am sure when she goes out with these friends it is not someone else but believe me it certainly went through my mind. Some of them are mutual friends and nothing else is has made me think there is something else going on. I do still wonder at times just becuse I can't imagine someone wanting a divorce after all this time without a outside influence being invloved.Even though it has not been great for years it has not been abusive(physical or emotional) or anything like that.


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## ButterflyKisses

In a woman's point of view, I can say it is very possible for a woman to want a divorce without any outside influence, because that is where I'm currently at. You say there has not been physical or emotional abuse but then you say she accused you of being controlling. This is a form of abuse. Even in the absence of abuse, there can still be an issue of neglect (not saying this is how your W feels) that over time can make a woman withdraw from the marriage and start thinking about divorce without any outside influence. Just being unhappy is enough.

I wish I had some advice for you. My H isn't listening when I say things need to change, even when I tell him it may one day be too late. It sounds like your W has gotten to that point. I hope you can somehow manage to convince her you want to make it work and she has a change of heart. Good luck to you.


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## lynst

I have read a few things and have learned some facts. 59% of married women say they would leave their husband if they could afford to take care of themselves financially. Another fact is that women are 2 times more likely to file for divorce than men. So the last fact is obvious: women initiate a divorce more often than men.

You should read the article "Why Women Leave Men" at Why Women Leave Men

I am a wife whose been married for the length of time you have. His neglect of my needs has destroyed my feelings for him. Many times men wait until it is too late to assume their responsibility in the relationship. Your wife does not get over things like you do. We women can be hurt emotionally, and never be able to get over it. I know in my case I feel like I am in a losing situation. If I stay, I lose because I am stuck in an unhappy relationship where I feel no love for him. And if I leave, I lose because the kids will be hurt more from divorce than if we stay together. I feel like a prisoner to the biggest mistake in my life: my marriage to a man that I have nothing in common with.


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## turnera

Here's a great example of how a woman decides to leave a man, from my experience last night. My H and I are remodeling a building to start a business with a woman; we were applying primer to the new walls; she came by and started talking about next steps; they got into an argument; I kept painting. When she finally left, he looks around, sees all the work I'd done while he was solely concentrated on his argument with her, and started railing at me about how I did it wrong, how he had TOLD me how to do it, and how here I was going back over the work he had already done, and now he was going to have to stay until 3 in the morning to wait for this coat to dry, and on top of that, I had just wasted half a bucket of KILZ and he was going to have to go buy another bucket. Oh, and why on earth did I stop at this level instead of going all the way to the top? Now there's a line he can't get rid of, and he'll have to apply another coat on top of the next coat, just to get rid of my stupid line. What was I thinking?!

During all of which I said not a single word. And I continued to work while he was embroiled in an argument with the woman and her male friend that he didn't need to have, but continued because he's a man and can't let someone else be 'right' over him. So it was ME who was getting something done but, in the end, in HIS eyes, he felt he had the right to berate me to the point of tears.

That is not technically abuse. But I'm here to tell you that, after 30 years of such tirades, I can't get away from him fast enough.


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## Wisp

turnera:

You are a patient lady. Good things come to those who wait, plan and do not fall into the trap. I hope you are on this list. 

Wishing you all the best


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## turnera

Wow, thanks, Wisp. I don't have anyone in my life telling me stuff like that. It's nice to hear it. You have no idea how nice.


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## okeydokie

well he was wrong to do that and if he has any conscience at all he knows it. now will he step up and apologize


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## turnera

When I left angry last night, after working another 3 hours without saying a word, he called and asked me if I was mad. I chickened out and said I was just tired (I know, I know!), but he knew. So he 'tried' to apologize. He said "I'm sorry I snipped at you, _but if you hadn't_..." 

I just hung up the phone.


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## unbelievable

By "living as roommates", I'm guessing this means sex has been sporadic or nonexistent for the past 3 years. You said she only recently announced her intention to divorce. Who's idea was it to discontinue the sex and romance? Why? You're anxious now that your wife has asked to pull the plug on the relationship, but it sounds as if the patient has been in a coma for the past 3 years. I'm trying to understand your situation. Didn't the loving part of this relationship die 3 years ago? Why does a formal burial cause you so much pain, now? I'm guessing you haven't really been happy with the marriage for a long time and she obviously hasn't, either. You asked what you could do to win her back. You've lived with her for 19 years and surely you know better than any man alive what makes her "tick". You know how to start her motor and you know where the "off" switches are. When you were winning her the first time, I doubt you worried about being "over the top" in your courting behavior. Like most of us, you probably showed her affection in embarrassingly over-the-top ways. I expect she wants to feel beautiful, sexy, appreciated, respected, heard, forgiven, and understood. Some relationships die quickly from a single act, like when a person's murdered. Others die slowly like in a negligent homicide, by being starved of nourishment or through the infliction of a thousand small cuts. What a precious gift is a good wife and mother. I've got this little theory that works for me. I figure we're working on the marriage every day. Either we are working to improve it or we're working to destroy it, but it has to change. Anger isn't a killer, but cruelty and meanness are. 
She's your woman and has been for a very long time. You know the way to her heart. You know what she means to you and you know how to show/tell her. Best of luck to you.


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## LADYGAINES

Your wife sounds like me. I avoid confrontation but there were plenty of times that I told my husband I felt unloved and told him what I needed for him to do but he didn't listen or he just didn't take me serious. Me and my husband are now separated [in the same house] and I told him I want a divorce and he acted shocked. I allowed hurt to build and build. Before I had a chance to forgive on thing he said he would say another. The hurt just became hurt on top of hurt. I felt like I would burst at the seams. I put up walls to block the fact that I was being ignored and was miserable. In order for my husband to get me back [I still love him as we have 2 children but am not in love with him nor do I want to be with him] he would have to show me change and prove to me that this change would last. This would take some time. My feelings didn't come overnight and they won't go overnight. He would have to initiate a face to face talk with me. He would have to apologize and ask me to forgive him for months of neglect. He would have to apologize for not listening to me and for hurting me and ask me to forgive him. he would have to give me space yet always somehow creep into my thoughts [surprising me with flowers delivered to my job, a surprise card on the window of my car, little romantic things like that could put a smile on my face]. He would basically have to treat me as if we were dating and are newly in love. It would also help if you told her that you are going to counseling with or without her. And do you know what he could say that would make most of my walls come down? He would tell me that he is going to fight for me. When I told my husband I wanted a divorce only 50% of me was sure but the other part of me wanted him to say No way am I letting you go. I love you. I need you. I can't live without you. I will fight for you. But I got none of that and now I am 85% sure that a divorce is what I want.


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## LADYGAINES

I also should add that there is no outside influence with my asking for a divorce. In regards to your situation its not over until the fat lady sings. So until [God forbid] those divorce papers are in your hands you can still pray, get counseling and communicate with your wife. Don't do too much. Don't text her every hour. Don't call her every minute etc. There is a balance that you have to find. Trust your instincts. When they tell you you are doing too much fall back some.


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## LADYGAINES

I think "unbelieveable" summed it up so beautifully it brought tears to my eyes.


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## JHELP

Thanks again for the replies especially LadyGaines and Unbelievable. Great insight and advise. I have already been doing most of what you are saying to get myself right with changing my behaviors and fighting to save my marriage. Best of luck to all of you as we are all going through hard times regardless of if you are the one wanting out or wanting back in to your relationship.
Positive thoughts
JHELP


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## lynst

Does your wife have "the walk away wife syndrome"? To find out what that is go to The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today

If she isn't to this point, you better get help now. Because if she is or does get to this point, it may be too late.


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## JHELP

Lynst..She may very well have walk away woman syndrome because she says she knows counseling won't help. We have only talked about the whole divorce thing for probably a total of 2 hours on 3 seperate occasions. The scary thing is she is not even emotional about it which scares the hell out me and makes me feel she is the walk away woman. I have not brought it up in a couple of weeks nor has she. I think mainly because we just went on a family vacation with the kids and some family and also she is starting back to work(educator) so I know she doesn't want any type of conflict during this time and the first couple weeks of school are always stressful for her so I am trying to respect that.I am pretty sure by mid late Sept. she will talk about it. If she does not I will. Just not sure I should stay in Limbo. With that said maybe time will help her see the change and effort I am really trying to put into our marriage(even though it is all my effort at this point).This is not all my fault and I need her to stop acting like I don't exist at sometime.

It's strange sometimes things feel good with no tention and then the tention comes back and I am pretty sure it's not anything I have said or done.Just can't figure it out sometimes. Sorry for rambling here it's been strange day with her.


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## Liam_680

Continue on your efforts to change your habits, make it a point also to talk with her from time to time, just make a connection and do small silly but sweet things for her just to make her smile.


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## turnera

Limbo...you should set a time limit in your mind: "I'll stay here until next summer; if she hasn't changed, we'll separate." Something like that.

Did I recommend you ask her to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com? It will give you a roadmap to improving her mindset. She won't even realize you're doing anything; she'll just know she's not so upset to be around you.


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## JHELP

Several people have refered to Marriage bulidlers? What exactly is this? Is it a course? I did see the Love Buster Questioniare and I will see if she will fill it out.It would be nice to know what exactly is getting her upset and making her withdrawl rather then engage. Of course I do know many of thisngs already but the quiz really takes it a step further which I really like. Hopefully she won't try to hit me with the quiz when I ask her to take it(just a joke if I couldn't still laugh all I would do would cry and be deppresed).
Have a great weekend everyone


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## JHELP

Liam I have been making the effort to engage her in conversation and do those sweet little things. And some times I can tell she is really wants to talk(we talk not about the relationship but just whatever has hapened that day or whatever is on our minds) and have a conversation but other days I feel like I must have the chickenpox and wants nothing to do with me.


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## MEM2020

JH,
When I read these posts I wonder what the guys are actually like. I have always demanded that we have a good sex life - because I always saw it as the ultimate litmus test of how the woman feels about the man. So even though it sounds ass backwards it worked like this:
- I demanded we have a good sex life
- Being that she was stuck sleeping with me frequently she demanded I be a good husband/good lover/good .... you name it. She knew that if something was upsetting or a turn off she might as well get me to improve/fix it since - otherwise she was stuck having sex with a guy she either disliked or didn't respect or was turned off by.

If your W has gotten to the point she totally shuts off the sex that means your marital ship is beginning to sink. WHY didn't you ask her what was wrong 3 years ago? If I was a woman, cut my H off from sex and he just sucked it up and went along with it, I might leave him on the grounds that he clearly didn't care if I was happy. 




JHELP said:


> Hi Ladies,
> I need a womans point of view. I am 44 as is my wife and we have been married 19 years. My wife told me recently she wants a divorce and doesn't want to give counsling a try.We also have two kids 11,15. We have been living basically as roomates for the last 3 years and while we do things a s a family with the kids she has started to do things much more with her freinds. She says she feels she has become very independent over the last couple of years and does not want to go back and like the way she feels now.
> 
> There has been no abuse or anything like that but she did say she thought I had been controlling and when we did fight I would say mean things(I would curse but never thought I was abusive) that chipped away at her heart. She had told me this over the years after we fought but being a man I just thought it was a heat of the moment thing as I guy we get over the fights real quick I now understand this is not the case in my wifes situation.
> 
> I want to make things work and have been changing how I react to things she has pointed out as problems. I have read books on saving my marriage and how to help myself change some of my poor habits. I really feel we can work this out if she will just open her heart and mind just a little bit. We are getting along fine and really have not talked much more about the divorce but I know it is coming (she hates confrontation of any kind).
> 
> My question is wht should I be doing to win her back without over doing it and driving her away faster.Her telling me for the first time she wanted a divorce made me see clearly things needed to change. I just wish we would have been communicating about all this through the years . I had no idea she was at this point even though I knew things were not great.
> Thanks for any advise


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## turnera

Another term is walkway wife.


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## onefootouthedoor

turnera said:


> Here's a great example of how a woman decides to leave a man, from my experience last night. My H and I are remodeling a building to start a business with a woman; we were applying primer to the new walls; she came by and started talking about next steps; they got into an argument; I kept painting. When she finally left, he looks around, sees all the work I'd done while he was solely concentrated on his argument with her, and started railing at me about how I did it wrong, how he had TOLD me how to do it, and how here I was going back over the work he had already done, and now he was going to have to stay until 3 in the morning to wait for this coat to dry, and on top of that, I had just wasted half a bucket of KILZ and he was going to have to go buy another bucket. Oh, and why on earth did I stop at this level instead of going all the way to the top? Now there's a line he can't get rid of, and he'll have to apply another coat on top of the next coat, just to get rid of my stupid line. What was I thinking?!
> 
> During all of which I said not a single word. And I continued to work while he was embroiled in an argument with the woman and her male friend that he didn't need to have, but continued because he's a man and can't let someone else be 'right' over him. So it was ME who was getting something done but, in the end, in HIS eyes, he felt he had the right to berate me to the point of tears.
> 
> That is not technically abuse. But I'm here to tell you that, after 30 years of such tirades, I can't get away from him fast enough.


the only thing you are wrong about is thinking that that is not Abuse. His behaviour towards you IS Abuse. No one should ever speak to you like that.


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## MovingForward

I had a similar situation except we had sex still and I assumed everything was good, She told me she had tried to tell me she was unhappy for a while but I never got the message and it turned out she had actually been cheating on me.

I would try and rule that out, I was sure my XW was not, couldn't and still can't work out how she managed to pull it off but it happened and I had wasted a lot of time making myself feel so bad about myself thinking it was all me.

If she is not open to counseling you have no chance so don't suggest it anymore otherwise she might just go to say she tried and waste time and money.

Honestly living as room mates for 3 years should have been a huge red flag and it might just be too late.


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## anchorwatch

Hopefully, @JHELP has moved on to a better life in the time *he was last here, in September of 2010*.


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## Popcorn2015

OP hasn't been here in seven years. Not sure why @onefootouthedoor thought it was a good idea to bump this.

In his other threads OP talked about how his wife was stashing away money in secret bank accounts. Safe to say that marriage ended long ago.


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## aine

Old thread


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## onefootouthedoor

Popcorn2015 said:


> OP hasn't been here in seven years. Not sure why @onefootouthedoor thought it was a good idea to bump this.
> 
> In his other threads OP talked about how his wife was stashing away money in secret bank accounts. Safe to say that marriage ended long ago.


Thank you for the call-out! :wink2:

To clarify, the point of my response was directed at the poster's comment to which I made the reply. My purpose was to provide support to anyone reading really, that (I feel) that when a person speaks to their spouse in the manner that was described in her post, that it IS considered abusive as that person was clearly not able to see that at that time. Maybe, it will help someone else who reads it today. I do not believe that there is a 'time limit' on these types of issues. 

Perhaps this issue hits a nerve with you in some way? Why else does it matter that an old thread was 'bumped up'? Maybe by this OP's thread being brought back into light, someone reading it now may gain new perspective on something they are dealing with because of something that is said in this particular thread. 

Honestly, it was not my intention to sabatoge the 'order or timeliness' of posts. As you can see, I am very new to this forum, I was just responding to something I felt worthy of responding to.


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## BlueandBlond

I have been married 18 years and I am living with a room mate and not a husband. We get along but there isn't much in common any more. He always want to avoid and not communicate and pretend everything is okay and it's not. And then the husband is surprised when their wife tells them they want a divorce/separate. I don't get it. I actually told my husband last week (and this is after years of trying to get him to notice what is going on) that I think I am at my breaking point. He is now trying to hold us together too. There may be no going back. We have done counselling but if you haven't, it could be your last shot of keeping your marriage together. It sounds like there needs to be some compromise too. I just hope she is still being faithful until you two have made your final choice. It is hard because I am 47 and I don't want to start over again. My kids are 22, 15, and 13. But as a wife do you want stay being unhappy? Will you as a husband change and be able to change together to make it work? I wish you the best and will keep an eye on your progress.


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