# 3rd time the charm? Confused, can't trust. Help :(



## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

Cutting everything down to make this short, my husband and I have been together for 5 years, married one. Early in our relationship he cheated on me with his child's mother. He kept this from me for two years (although I gave him ample opportunity to tell me since I had a suspicion and asked him about it a couple times). I forgave him because I know it was a confusing time for him and we worked through it. After that everything was fine and anytime I felt myself leaning towards not trusting him I would work through it by myself.

About 6 months before were to be married he left his phone behind and asked me to bring it to him for work. I did, but on the way I was snooping (bad I know) and noticed he had been texting a women who works in the same building he does. All of the texts are asking her to go out to eat with him, hanging out, and just random things that made my heart stop. Since I never knew she existed I asked him about it and he did nothing but laugh and get defensive. I had later learned that he told a friend of his at the time about her and he even told her that it was not smart what he was doing. I told him he was not to contact her and it stopped right away.

I thought that would be the last time he would do something like that. I don't think he intentionally had bad intentions but was not thinking about what he was doing.

NOW....he started talking another women who works at our local gas station. We have even gone out to eat with her and her fiance a couple times but I am getting a weird vibe from him again now. I snooped through his phone and saw a text that said "coming to see your beautiful face". I looked up his texts online in our bills and they text almost everyday, randomly throughout the day. I don't get a vibe from her but I am concerned he is doing what he did with girl from his work 6 months before our marriage. I also don't feel like he should be telling other women they are beautiful, he doesn't even call me that. The fact that he called her beautiful is what started my brain.

Am I overreacting? Everything just snowballs so I don't know how to react to this.

I don't want to talk to him because that would let him know I looked through his phone and since I, obviously, don't trust him I don't want him not to trust me either. 

Help


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## crazybunnie25 (Nov 18, 2009)

Why don't you confront the other woman? Just be polite about it. See what she said and then tell her to please stop.

If she is vicious about it or pretends nothing is going on then I would confront him. 

Tell him how you feel. That he has caused you alot of emotional pain.

BUT if you are like me, try NOT to start an arguement. That will just never work out. The arguements I had with my ex was the reason for us ending, along with the fact that he and I didn't agree to stop.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

I agree with the above.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He seems to think that flirting with other women is acceptable but it is not. He is a married man. He needs to behave like one.

Ask him how he'd feel if it were you flirting with other men.


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## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

Thanks for your replies.

I actually ended up talking to him about it and he saw nothing wrong with it, and Dobo you are right, it was flirting. I found out she calls him sweetie and babe because "that is her personality" but I have never heard her call him that around me or even talk like that or got the vibe that was her personality either. I also found out he told her that her fiance was "lucky to have found a younger hot chick". To top it off he started a second job today starting at 8am and she called him at 7am for a wake up call!! I thought that was just the icing on the cake. That was the final straw for me so for the night and until I am ready he is sleeping our the spare bedroom. My heart hurts a big too much just to let this one go and move on right away like I did with the other two.

I asked him to walk in my shoes and he said he would probably be mad, which irritated me because I know for a fact it would make him freak out. He says he did not mean anything by it and all those times he was just kidding but there was no indication of kidding so if I never took it as just a joke then how could she. Besides, if that is what was said in a 3 days period, it makes me wonder what else they have said to each other the past month or so :/.

I don't feel it was or is intentional but they have definitely grown a lot closer fast, too fast.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just to be totally transparent, I have called a guy or two "sweetie", even on this site (I think) -- or "love" -- but it is when I'm feeling emotional and at the same time, parental. I'd never say it flirtingly unless I was flirting. That's not a personality thing. You don't flirt as a matter of course unless you either have no boundaries or no respect for other people.

Listen, you talked to him and he acknowledged that it would bother him. Let him stew on that for a while and see if there is a change. There may be. It *could* happen to him. He needs to acknoweldge that what is good for the gander is also good for the goose. (I know that's backward, but in this case, let's get the sexes right.)


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## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

I understands the every now and then sweetie thing...I have called my male friends that too but that is not what I continuously call them as their name in private. That is what I meant. I know at times when people are feeling heartfelt or connected to someone there is tendency to call others names such as love, sweetie, honey, dear...ect. 

Thanks though. I am going to let him stew for awhile although nothing will come out of it (he is a don't talk about his feelings guy and lets me take charge). He did, however, say that he doesn't know why he does what he does because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. Which concerns me a bit because he doesn't realize it until I point it out to him so all I can think of is how many more times will I have to point it out. He is a great guy, just doesn't think. I am trying to stay positive though and thank the lord that he is not out there having sexual relationships instead.

Thank you, again, for responding. I think I just needed to talk to someone outside of the whole entire situation.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you need to point out to him what you said - that he does it without thinking and he needs to identify why he is doing it and ask himself why he would risk something so precious to him for something so fleeting and ultimately, meaningless. He needs to heighten his own awareness. That's what is really called for in this case. So ask him to try to.

He seems willing to at least look at things from another persepective.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

dobo said:


> I think you need to point out to him what you said - that he does it without thinking and he needs to identify why he is doing it and ask himself why he would risk something so precious to him for something so fleeting and ultimately, meaningless. He needs to heighten his own awareness. That's what is really called for in this case. So ask him to try to.
> 
> He seems willing to at least look at things from another persepective.


 I agree.Try to identify the why this happens. My wife made some bad choices too. She is a good person but let herslf get in a bad situation and didn't have the strength to make the right choice. She is remorseful and has worked to stay away from the bad enviroments that present opportunity to make bad choices. She also knows that one more bad choice and I will leave. I deserve to be loved and treated with honesty and trust.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Betty said:


> He did, however, say that he doesn't know why he does what he does because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. Which concerns me a bit because he doesn't realize it until I point it out to him so all I can think of is how many more times will I have to point it out.


I would guess he does it because he likes the attention he gets in return...he knows 'he's still got it with the ladies' type of ego booster thing. When this is going on, he's feeding on the attention and not on how much it would hurt you if you were to find out....

I think he should think about putting some personal boundaries in place....something he can consciously do such as when he interacts with women, pretend you are standing there...how would that change the way he talks, etc? If he can honestly say, 'I get it, that makes sense' it might work for him and ease your mind some.


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## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

I agree, hurtbyher. I did tell my husband that he needs to learn where the line is and that we need to sit down and discuss what that line is because obviously he either doesn't know where it is or his is placed different then mine is. I also told him that if he crosses the line once more with her or anyone else I will leave him, no matter if it is in 2 months or 20 years. I am glad to hear your wife is making an honest effort though, hopefully things with you two are going smooth and well. Sounds like we have some of the same situation.

Swedish- I agree that he probably does enjoy the attention. It is something outside of the normal from me and of course for a 5 1/2 years relationship things aren't always so zesty as it first was in the beginning so I am sure the contact with her brought something back to him.

I like the end of your statement too, I think when I talk to him about it more I will put that thought in his head too.


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