# Should I confess to an affair



## firefly180 (Mar 19, 2011)

So while my husband was deployed this last time I had an affair with a mutual friend, there wasn't any felings involved and when my husbnd got home it ended. We have both moved away and there is no way he could find out. The guilt is killing me , it's been over a year since it ended and our marriage is doing ok. I feel like I have to tell him, but I'm scared it will be over. We have been married for 8 yrs, dealt with 3 deployments, and have 3 kids. Our families are super close since we've all known eachother for around 20 years. Also I've had a one night stand if you will that I've told him about and he forgave me . My mother knows and tells me I shouldn't tell that the guilt is God's way of punishing me, I just fell like he should know. I need some advice please


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I believe most ppl would advice you to tell your husband.
But, if I were you, I would have thought about it carefully before I decided to have an affair, and I won't regret what I have done and I won't let it affect my family; however, I will also be responsible to whatever consequence that goes with cheating. Tell or not to tell, it depends on what points are you looking for?
Can it make your marriage stronger or only send your marriage to hell?
Or just to relieve your guilt?
Or you wish your husband to forgive you?
I feel you should think twice before you jump.


----------



## firefly180 (Mar 19, 2011)

I think it's tad too late for that don't you?


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

So are you going to tell him that you cheated on him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## justbe (Mar 19, 2011)

firefly180 said:


> I think it's tad too late for that don't you?


yes too late ... but first think about every plan you are going to make... what would be the outcome when you tell him and when you do not tell him. be firm with your mind of what should you do. and make sure that you will be ready for the action you are going to do to prevent unpredictable outcome.which one will you choose? honesty or hiding secret for comfortable future.every WW has their own outcome when they did tell their affair, the situation will be vary. all you have to do is trying to find what outcome will you have on both option. good luck WW


----------



## firefly180 (Mar 19, 2011)

@friendly when I answered your post it only had the first part on it......I have no idea, I don't want my marriage to end , but I also dont' think I can harbor this guilt for much longer. Everyday I think about it like I can't move on and If I tell him then we can both work to move forward. I just feel stuck . I feel like I'm living a lie that he deserves to know the real me.


----------



## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

firefly180 said:


> My mother knows and tells me I shouldn't tell that the guilt is God's way of punishing me, I just fell like he should know. I need some advice please


Either live with the punishment or come clean? That's your decision and it is a difficult decision because of your husband's job.. 

You husband who is presumably out fighting for his country and providing for his family returns home safely because he looks after himself. Meanwhile you have put his life at risk when he comes home due to the very real risk of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases because of your affair. Your husband has a right to know about his wife's duplicitous life and lies so that he can assess what dangers he has been exposed to. BUT, the very real problem you have here as I see it is deciding on the timing of the exposure and if your husband is about to go on another deployment. The emotional bomb that you are about to drop on your husband will create terrible turmoil, pain and devastation which could put his life in real danger if he is not concentrating on the field or task at hand because he is likely to be grieving the loss of his marriage pre disclosure. 

I would give serious consideration as to where he is likely to be working and if it is in a danger zone be careful so that you do not endanger his life because his concentration will most definitely be affected.

You should get checked out for sexually transmitted diseases and perhaps speak to a counselling service within his unit, navy or whatever to discuss the situation in confidence so that your children's father does not come home in a box simply because you wanted to clear your guilt. 

If he is likely to be at a desk job and out of harms way, it would be a good time to have a full and frank discussion and explain why you strayed.

You should read this link below because it is a true reflection of what happens to a loyal spouse who has to deal with the terrible pain of betrayal by someone they totally trusted. 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Good luck but you will have to work very hard to save your marriage and be prepared to witness the terrible pain and turmoil that lasts for years, not months. It's a rollercoaster of terrible emotional pain.




Thread: Should I confess to an affair Reply to Thread


----------



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Live with your mistake. He does not need to know that you screwed up. My wife confessed to me after 14 great years togeather that she had many affairs. I had no idea and she was finished with every thing but the guilt. You don't need to hurt him because he did nothing wrong. Forgive yourself, forget what you did and finish living a happy marriage with your man, reconnect with him and enjoy life. Don't destroy it.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I agree with other ppl's comments and I also agree with you that your husband has a right to know.
Maybe you can make up to him, by being a faithful, fun loving, sexy, caring, polite, friendly wife, and a great mother who takes good care of the house where it's clean and tidy with delicious 3 meals waiting for the husband and kids.
You can correct your mistakes by improving yourself to be the wife that he deserves. 
When he notices your many good sides and your hard work being his faithful wife from now on, and you show him that you're so wonderful a wife. Hopefully, in this case, you might have a lower risk of breaking your family.
Then, you find a good timing when he's in a good mood to confess to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

just40bp said:


> Live with your mistake. He does not need to know that you screwed up. My wife confessed to me after 14 great years togeather that she had many affairs. I had no idea and she was finished with every thing but the guilt. You don't need to hurt him because he did nothing wrong. Forgive yourself, forget what you did and finish living a happy marriage with your man, reconnect with him and enjoy life. Don't destroy it.


Did you forgive your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You've already destroyed your marriage by having multiple affairs and now your only motivation in telling him is to relieve your guilt?

It seems as though it is all about you all the time.

I believe every person should have the privilege of living in the truth of their life.

Your husband deserves that, you deserve that.

If you tell him, make sure do it in a way that is sensitive to that point. Could it end your marriage? Of course!

But it may not.

You need to fix your deceptive behavior regardless.

It will be far better for your husband that he hear of it from you than someone else.

If you think that there is no way he can find out, then you are fooling yourself.


----------



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Btw, the "old you" were not "the real you". I can feel you have a very bright side and the "affair" was a mistake due to loneliness.
Thus, the old you who once made a horrible mistake have been terribly sorry about what happened.
You've corrected your mistake and you haven't cheated ever since. So this is the real faithful side of you. Nevertheless, think about it carefully and good luck!


----------



## firefly180 (Mar 19, 2011)

Thanks for the advice...he is not deploying anytime soon .


----------



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

To op and friendly. Did I forgive my wife? Yes. Did she cheat again? Yes. Do I wish I had never known? Yes. Have I forgotten the betrayel. No. Do I trust her? No. How will he answer these questions? I have gone through every emotion there is and still have the same resolve. Why do you continue to hurt the one's you say you truely love? Foresaking all others until death do you part. Is that death of Life or Marriage? Go figure.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am in the camp that you should tell him. The reason I think that is because:
a. he has a right to know and
b. your entire marriage's dynamic is based on the lie--That lie being that you are lying to him each day he doesn't know what you've done.
Definitely get tested for STDs if you haven't already. Don't put him at risk for anything.
Believe me--it will be 20x worse if he finds out on his own. Like the worst ever. These things have a way of coming out when you least expect it. Who is the OM? Did you cut off all contact?


----------



## firefly180 (Mar 19, 2011)

I did cut off all contact , I have gotten tested I'm clean thank God!


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

friendly said:


> I believe most ppl would advice you to tell your husband.
> But, if I were you, I would have thought about it carefully before I decided to have an affair, and I won't regret what I have done and I won't let it affect my family; however, I will also be responsible to whatever consequence that goes with cheating. Tell or not to tell, it depends on what points are you looking for?
> Can it make your marriage stronger or only send your marriage to hell?
> Or just to relieve your guilt?
> ...


I agree with this. My husband just weighed in and he doesn't agree that the OP should keep it a secret.
Live with your guilt as both a punishment and a reminder not to do so again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

You cut off all contact and you are tested for STDs. No worries, no telling. Put your mind at rest. Keep your secret and put your energies into building the marriage with your husband. As long as you are clean and free of STDs, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

You can still love him and make a great marriage despite a mistake that you made in the past. look forward.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A friend of mine is current deployed for the 4th time. He is getting divorced by mail. He was all kinds of messed up but a guy in his unit got killed, so that was a distraction.


----------



## justbe (Mar 19, 2011)

but if the husband is deployed again ...? will the OP find another affair? i have doubt she will not


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

My thought on this at the moment: being in my sitch where I am unsure if my ww is still making contact what would my tortured heart want if I were your H.
I would rather not know but only if you were 1000% committed to the m and 3000% done with the A. Making sure no contact ever again. Disappear from OM.

If however u r treating your H badly, he deserves to know the real reason.
I once thought If I was the one who had the A knowledge of it would die with me I would not inflict that pain upon someone I love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

How long was your affair?


----------



## thetwoofus (Feb 17, 2011)

Dont do it!

Please read our post
I believe you are in a similar situation


----------



## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Am I the only one that seeing this in a different way. it seems you people are worrying about the wife more than the husband. 

put yourself in his shoe, then you would know. anyone who's spouse cheated on him would tell you they wish if their spouse told them about the cheating.
He will find out one day, you think things are hidden but you are wrong, something will happen and he will find out. 
If you tell him yourself he will appreciate your honesty and work things out since you took the courage to tell him and that shows you want things fixed. 
He needs to know ASAP, dont wait, waiting is not good.


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I was discussing this with someone and they said they read about it in a book called You can be the wife of a happy husband. Written by a female author she thought in the 1950s. Christian based she discusses this towards the end of the book.
EDUCATE YOURSELF GET COUNCILLING, evaluate your situation take all this advice into consideration. But you and only you can do what you know. Deep inside is the best thing for you and your family. Breathe do not make any decisions without thinking carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

tELL HIM. Yes. Whatever happens HE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW, WHATEVER IT CAUSES. HE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW. Read that again. HE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW. That's why you should tell him. Ask any LS, they would want to know. TELL HIM. And then sort out the consequences. For God's sake, tell him!!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tourchwood said:


> Am I the only one that seeing this in a different way. it seems you people are worrying about the wife more than the husband.


Read the whole thread, that is not so.


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Would you want to know about it, if he had an affair?


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

OP, my wife had an EA and ALMOST a PA. If she had not confessed, we wouldn't be together. Her willingness to take the blame, her complete openess and re-newed honesty has made re-conciliation possible. Had I found out from some other source, we would be divorced. Tell him and by doing so, show him the love and respect that you didn't during the affair. Those people who advise you not to tell, are continuing the affair, by continuing the dishonesty. It's simple, if you truly love and respect him, you will be an honest wife to him. Right now you are living a lie, and it will only get worse.


----------



## thetwoofus (Feb 17, 2011)

I am a guy who found out ten years after the affair. I would have prefered not to have found out. My wife slipped up then l pressed until l got all answers. I was lucky that she left the company where it happened 7 years ago . She made a mistake. I had to ask myself was it worth throwing it away for one mistake? The answer is no. My wife had 10 years to show her love for me and that can not be questioned. After saying that when l found out the details it hurt infact l thought my heart was getting ripped out. Three months down the track and l look back and l think it was more the shock that got me. The only thing l can say if l found out soon after it happened l may not have a beautiful wife and five lovely kids.
I know this isnt an answer but by not telling it gives you time to show him how much you love him. You may feel one day the time is right to tell him.
I wish you both all the best


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

If he is military still u can use military onesource free counseling but cross refedrence to a pro marriage councillor work through this situation. U can call one source PM me if u have any specific questions. 
But if u want to save it and be honest find a good pro marriage even christian coincillor to face to face help you through this. If you regret your mistake and you do not want to loose your marriage then tell him the rt way or bear the guilt and take it to your grave but commit to your marriage 1000%. Learn and do what's right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RWB said:


> I "found" out about my wife's affairs. I agree tell him now. The lies were eroding our marriage day by day. You think you are safe and he will never know. Truth is the hound of Heaven. Your husband will feel the lie. He will sense your shame. I did. You say you love your husband, then give to him all of you in truth. A marriage built on lies will destroy itself.


Great post and I agree. 

The cheating is bad enough but the lying to cover it up is waaaay worse, IMO. 

I wish I didn't know my husband cheated, or better stated: I wish he hadn't have cheated but by the same token, I would completely loathe him if I found out on my own and he didn't tell me. I give him credit for telling me.

In my case, I also cheated and told him as well. I never imagined I would ever tell him but am glad I did. He told me he "knew" I did but wanted me to tell him myself. He could "sense" it. I think we both appreciate the fact that we told eachother and did not lie about it.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

This is a hard situation to give advice on. I feel that your H deserves to know, though I also agree with what others have said about being a better spouse to him to make up for it and that you should not tell him.

Since I am in the military and I went through an EA with my wife I will give you my perspective. I am no longer mission effective, if I had to be deployed in the near future I would not be able to do my job as I would be emotionally compromised. All I would be able to think about the whole time I would be away is what's going on behind my back.

I am in the Army National Guard, and even during my 2-3 days a month I cannot focus on what I need to do, all I can think about is who she is texting/talking to and where is she and has anyone came over to my house since I left (I had a friend tell me that 10 minutes after I left for drill one weekend my wife phucked my roommate) so I am a wreck. I start having a lot of anxiety/panic attacks and my thoughts become uncontrollable.

I'm supposed to go out of state for 3 weeks in May for Annual Trainning, and I don't know what I'm going to do because I'm going to be a complete wreck.

With all of that in mind, you decide one what you think is best. I would personally suggest telling him but not now. Become the best wife you can be.


----------

