# Is it really that big of a deal?!



## Texisgirl (Jun 10, 2021)

I need a little advice on what I should do. 

It’s a little bit of a backstory but it’s needed to understand why what’s happening is happening.

So my husband and I have been married for 20 years now, we have a 19 year old that is moved out already, a 12 year old, 3 year old and a 1 year old. When I found out I was pregnant in 2001, he bought us a house and we got married, it’s been up and down throughout our whole marriage pretty much but here we are still. 

Anyways, in 2008 our neighbor was selling his home and my mom at that time was sharing an apartment with my brother Andrew 3 hours away from us so I told her about the home up for sale. Honestly in the back of my mind I didn’t think it was a good idea but I also really didn’t think she’d buy the home either. 

Well she did and it really wasn’t so big of a problem till 2017. My brother Andrew lost his great job (due to drug use), his wife divorced him and he pretty much went on a downfall. So he moves in with my mom and at first we’re like okay we’ll he’ll work and help her fix up her house and this and that. 

Well he never goes to work and he starts using drugs even more. All the time my mom allows him to live with her, he never cleans or does anything really but make a mess of her home. Well by 2019 everything is just a complete mess. He had become a hoarder and would just pick up junk and trash and everything in between and brought everything to my moms house, in and all outside her home. All the time she still is just letting him do it all. I’m upset constantly about it. I’m getting into with my brother because of what he’s doing and I’m upset with my mom for allowing him to do it. By this time I don’t even visit my mom anymore because you can’t even sit down in her house. It’s just the worse episode of hoarders you can imagine and all outside on her screened in porch, inside and outside of her privacy fence. She says she just doesn’t have the energy to fight with him and she’s not able to stop him but she’s so worried about his mental state that she won’t kick him out or anything.

Also my brother had wrecked his vehicle, my moms vehicle and another vehicle he bought. Well 2020, everything is still a mess, no one has cleaned anything. I have tried to attempt but I have young kids and a family of my own I’m trying to take care of. My brother gets himself another vehicle but at the same time messes up my moms truck by supposedly putting the battery cables on backwards. My mom is on a fixed income and my brother has pretty much rang her dry. Well he goes to jail for being caught with a large amount of illegal drugs. My mom now has his car. 

March 2021 my brother gets out, he’s clean for a few days and than right back to the drugs. All through this time my husband and I are the ones that have to deal with everything. Late April early may, my brother is sent to a jail type rehab so he’s gone again. Well along with all the hoarding damage he has done, he’s also ruined pretty much every outlet in my moms house from running tons of extension cords here and there. So a little over a week ago her power just starts going in and out. We had been getting a lot of rain so we thought maybe that was the problem but it doesn’t seem that is what it was. It’s now completely out, nothings working. We’ve checked the breaker and don’t know what the problem is. So I had told her we could run a heavy duty extension cord so she can at least plug in her ac. My husband by this time is fed up and he says flat out no, we’re not running the extension cord. He says she needs to call an electrician but she doesn’t have the money for that and even if she did I’m sure no electrician would even attempt to find the problem because of the hoarding mess.

I should add that my mom also has property 3 hours away that was my dads before he passed in 2005. Well she’s been planning on moving back there. She has an rv on the land but needs water and electricity hooked up. She’s been wanting to move back because the taxes are really high if she’s not living on the land. But for over a year she’s been saying that she needs to get all the mess my brother has made cleaned up before she can go but everyday she just stays in bed literally all day long. My older brother owns the property right next to my dad’s/mom’s property and he was supposed to help her get it set up but he’s bipolar and pretty hateful himself and doesn’t want our mom right next to him so it’s been hard for her to get help with setting up her rv.

So it’s causing huge fights between my husband and I, literally just because he won’t let me run an extension cord for her. So much to the point that he says he doesn’t want anything to do with me or her anymore and that he’s moving out. So my question is should it really be that big of a deal to run the extension cord? He says he’s angry that she let my brother do all this damage and everything is left on him. I get that he’s angry but I mean it’s my mom, what am I suppose to do?! Also she can’t stay with us because we have no room, we’re already 5 people in a 2 bedroom.

I apologize for such a long read but if anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Your H is trying to tell you that you are enabling your mother AND your brother. 
They have no reason to improve if you keep bailing them out.
Now, him saying he is moving OUT is extreme, but I really think that he is trying to see the severity of what you are doing to your relationship with him.
He married YOU and you have kids. He did NOT marry your brother and take on HIS issues, nor your mother.
I bet he didn't mind HELPING her with a few things until it turned out that HE has to do the work, etc..

You need to tell your Mom that it is unacceptable what has been going on and she needs to take action to fix this. If SHE is lying in bed, either she is ill or she is depressed -- she needs to see a Dr. SHE has been enabling your brother.
Have her hire a service to come in and get rid of all the crap. She also needs to have her electrical problems taken care of -- she can get a home equity loan. MOST IMPORTANT -- you brother can NOT go back and live with her. HE needs to figure out his own crap.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I think it is a big deal. It is hard, but you need to put you and your family first, ahead of your mom and brother. If I were in you're husband's shoes I wouldn't allow the silly extension cord thing. For one, it isn't really safe, it is likely a fire hazard and it is just further enabling the dysfunctional situation. As hard as it may be you need to step back from the whole situation. It isn't your problem to fix. Your problem is fixing the relationship with your husband.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So what part of this do you think is yours to fix again?

Let adults handle their own adult issues until they are no longer capable of doing so. I would fight you on this too.


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## Texisgirl (Jun 10, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Your H is trying to tell you that you are enabling your mother AND your brother.
> They have no reason to improve if you keep bailing them out.
> Now, him saying he is moving OUT is extreme, but I really think that he is trying to see the severity of what you are doing to your relationship with him.
> He married YOU and you have kids. He did NOT marry your brother and take on HIS issues, nor your mother.
> ...


You are absolutely right! Thank you for your advice!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your husband is not going to continually help a grown man who’s not getting his **** together. I know it’s your brother but your husband’s responsibility is to you and your kids. 

The threats are because he feels like you don’t have his back. It’s one thing to help but this is now getting to the point of enabling bad lifestyle choices. If he pours everything into helping your brother, what’s left for your family. There has to be a point where you have to put your family 1st.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wonder if you may need to move away to save your marriage. It's clear your husband has had enough and who can blame him.


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## Texisgirl (Jun 10, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Your husband is not going to continually help a grown man who’s not getting his **** together. I know it’s your brother but your husband’s responsibility is to you and your kids.
> 
> The threats are because he feels like you don’t have his back. It’s one thing to help but this is now getting to the point of enabling bad lifestyle choices. If he pours everything into helping your brother, what’s left for your family. There has to be a point where you have to put your family 1st.


He completely stopped helping my brother in any way when he got bad on drugs and I don’t blame him at all of course. My brother is now is some type of jail/rehab facility.

I’m thankful for all the responses on this forum. I’ve been feeling so much guilt that it’s making me physically ill. It’s in my nature to want to help if I’m able to so it kills me to just let my mom figure it out on her own. Obviously, she’s a grown woman but she’s also 71 years old so I feel torn.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Texisgirl said:


> He completely stopped helping my brother in any way when he got bad on drugs and I don’t blame him at all of course. My brother is now is some type of jail/rehab facility.
> 
> I’m thankful for all the responses on this forum. I’ve been feeling so much guilt that it’s making me physically ill. It’s in my nature to want to help if I’m able to so it kills me to just let my mom figure it out on her own. Obviously, she’s a grown woman but she’s also 71 years old so I feel torn.


At this point I think the most you should do is offer your mom advice if she needs it, but stay hands off. You can't do it for her. If she can't even get started in setting things straight then you will just end up doing everything for her and that will perpetuate the problem.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Texisgirl said:


> He completely stopped helping my brother in any way when he got bad on drugs and I don’t blame him at all of course. My brother is now is some type of jail/rehab facility.
> 
> I’m thankful for all the responses on this forum. I’ve been feeling so much guilt that it’s making me physically ill. It’s in my nature to want to help if I’m able to so it kills me to just let my mom figure it out on her own. Obviously, she’s a grown woman but she’s also 71 years old so I feel torn.


I am the oldest in my family and I can relate to your feeling towards your mom. At this point, I think you should resist stepping in because you would be enabling what she has been enabling, and it is time that she and your brother figure things on their own. Talk to her. Repeat to her that she needs to stop enabling your brother's hoarding and drug abuse and take care of herself. Have her schedule an appointment with a therapist. That would help her see things from another perspective and change her actions.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Tempting to get all the crap hauled off while he’s in rehab though. 

If your mom is 71, she needs help. Are there any organizations you can reach out to?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Your husband is done (probably to the point of disgust) with the toxic, dysfunctional drama.

He doesn’t want it in his life, near his children and he doesn’t want you getting sucked into it anymore.


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## Texisgirl (Jun 10, 2021)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Tempting to get all the crap hauled off while he’s in rehab though.
> 
> If your mom is 71, she needs help. Are there any organizations you can reach out to?
> 
> ...


That’s what we’ve been trying to do. My mom is on a fixed income so she can’t afford it financially. I actually saved $700 (without my husband knowing because he would have flipped) to rent one of those huge roll away dumpsters but I ended up giving it to my mom to pay on taxes because she’s $3,000 behind and close to losing her land.

As far as organizations, we live in a tiny town and we’re not affiliated with any churches so I really wouldn’t even know who to reach out to.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The fact that you believe that the core issue is simply, 'running an extension cord' is evidence enough that it is in fact, a huge deal.

Your family is toxic.

And your toxic family is about to cost your kids their family.

You need to decide which is more important to save, and which is more likely you can save.

I suspect your mother and brother are quite used to you stepping in to 'fix' things. Therefore they also get to blame you, rather than taking responsibility. Your commitment is admirable, but utterly misguided and threatens the stability of your marriage and relationship with your kids. Time to stop being 'nice'.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Texisgirl said:


> That’s what we’ve been trying to do. My mom is on a fixed income so she can’t afford it financially. I *actually saved $700 (without my husband knowing *because he would have flipped) to rent one of those huge roll away dumpsters but *I ended up giving it to my mom *to pay on taxes because she’s $3,000 behind and close to losing her land.
> 
> As far as organizations, we live in a tiny town and we’re not affiliated with any churches so I really wouldn’t even know who to reach out to.


so you’re not only enabling, but hiding money from your husband and giving it to the people you’re enabling.

yep, he’s right to leave and get out ofyour toxic family.
Sorry.
You’re in the wrong and don’t seem to see it


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sounds like your mum can't afford to run two homes and needs to sell one so she has money to live on.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I was just about to suggest she sell the other piece of property and use the money to clean out the one she lives in. Maybe it can be setup that a condition of your brothers release is that he cannot go back to you moms home


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Your husband is in the right.


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## Texisgirl (Jun 10, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> so you’re not only enabling, but hiding money from your husband and giving it to the people you’re enabling.
> 
> yep, he’s right to leave and get out ofyour toxic family.
> Sorry.
> You’re in the wrong and don’t seem to see it


Yikes, that hurt. But I get it. I suppose I just felt like I know we can afford to help and that’s all I wanted to do. I get that it’s a toxic situation but I know that if the roles were reversed my mom would help us.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You are the biggest enabler of all time, and you shouldn't expect your husband to go along with it. These people are all adults. You screwed up getting your mom to live nextdoor. You screwed up enabling the situation with the brother, and she does too. She wants to move -- GREAT. Tell her to sell the house and force the brother out too. You need to realize these are adults all taking advantage of you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Texisgirl said:


> Yikes, that hurt. But I get it. I suppose I just felt like I know we can afford to help and that’s all I wanted to do. I get that it’s a toxic situation but I know that if the roles were reversed my mom would help us.


That would be different. Kids are a priority, so of course your mom would help you. Likewise you must help your children, even if that means stepping away from your mom's mess. You are putting your mom and your brother ahead of your own kids and husband.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yeah. These are adults who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves if you weren't all enabling the mom and the brother. He probably wouldn't have nearly as big an addiction problem if it weren't for you two.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Your mother would have the money she needs for the repairs but she spent it on the drug using brother.

This is the consequence for enabling.

Do not hide things from your husband due to your mother's issue with enabling.

Maybe you should consider selling and moving away from them.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Also, it is very unusual for power to go out like that without it being the main service. Call the power company and ask them, they might at least identify the problem for free.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think it is a big deal. It is hard, but you need to put you and your family first, ahead of your mom and brother. If I were in you're husband's shoes I wouldn't allow the silly extension cord thing. For one, it isn't really safe, it is likely a fire hazard and it is just further enabling the dysfunctional situation. As hard as it may be you need to step back from the whole situation. It isn't your problem to fix. Your problem is fixing the relationship with your husband.


It's also illegal in most places for someone to be living in an RV at somebody's residence. So that's the next shoe that's going to fall as the code inspector was going to see it and give you a great big fine.


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## Texisgirl (Jun 10, 2021)

Thank you all for the advice. It hurts me to see my mom struggle and it’s almost instinct for me to want to help but I have decided to step back from the whole situation. My husband and I are trying to build better for ourselves and our children. We are planning on moving, within the next year we will be away from the craziness. Of course I will continue to be there for my mother but not in the way I have been. The stress is just taking too much of a toll on me. I spread myself too thin trying to give everything to everyone but myself. I’ll leave her in God’s hands now! Thank you all again!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Texisgirl said:


> Yikes, that hurt. But I get it. I suppose I just felt like I know we can afford to help and that’s all I wanted to do. I get that it’s a toxic situation but I know that if the roles were reversed my mom would help us.


You are LYING to your husband by omission and you are CHEATING on him and your children by wasting what should be family money on your mother. 
If I was him I would have left you ages ago so that you could move in with your toxic family of origin because you certainly put them before your own family. 
Ask yourself this. How many times have you had to postpone or cancel family outings or special occasions because you spent the money on your mother’s problems? 
And you haven’t even helped.
When you gave her the $700 dollars for a dumpster she still used it for something else. 
You seem to have a martyr complex but you should remember what happened to the martyrs.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Texisgirl said:


> Yikes, that hurt. But I get it. I suppose I just felt like I know we can afford to help and that’s all I wanted to do. I get that it’s a toxic situation but *I know that if the roles were reversed my mom would help us.*


Then you must also know that the roles will never be reversed because your mom is your mom.

Please don't think that because she is 71 she needs help. I'm 70 and been widowed for 8 years. I have no problem navigating life and its responsibilities. Most women my age don't.


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## Texisgirl (Jun 10, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Then you must also know that the roles will never be reversed because your mom is your mom.
> 
> Please don't think that because she is 71 she needs help. I'm 70 and been widowed for 8 years. I have no problem navigating life and its responsibilities. Most women my age don't.


I know that she is a strong woman, she always has been, even with all she’s been through. She worked 2 jobs to take care of my brothers and I as a single mother when I was growing up so I know she’ll land on her feet no matter what. But like many said, if I keep being there to bail her out she won’t do what needs to be done. I’m putting this guilt behind me. My brothers put it behind them with no problems at all haha.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Your mother needs to stop your brother living there and should see what the police can do. She is elderly and this isn't fair on her. I don't know what your neighbourhood is like but could you round up a few neighbours to help clear your mums house out? Even do a post on a local forum explaining what's happened and get a group of people to help. You would be surprised how many people would help and do it for free. Your brother must never be allowed back in there though. Your poor mum should be enjoying her retiring years stress free and not be used and abused by her druggy son. Your mum sounds depressed, poorly (staying in bed all the time) can you get a dr to visit her and check her over. The dr may be able to help write on your mums behalf about her health deteriorating because of her son. Also she needs support from others. That's just too much for her to handle on her own. Maybe get all her locks changed and security cameras put in place. I feel so sad for your mum. Get advice from a solicitor/lawyer about keeping your brother away and protecting your mum. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Your mother needs to stop your brother living there and should see what the police can do. She is elderly and this isn't fair on her. I don't know what your neighbourhood is like but could you round up a few neighbours to help clear your mums house out? Even do a post on a local forum explaining what's happened and get a group of people to help. You would be surprised how many people would help and do it for free. Your brother must never be allowed back in there though. Your poor mum should be enjoying her retiring years stress free and not be used and abused by her druggy son. Your mum sounds depressed, poorly (staying in bed all the time) can you get a dr to visit her and check her over. The dr may be able to help write on your mums behalf about her health deteriorating because of her son. Also she needs support from others. That's just too much for her to handle on her own. Maybe get all her locks changed and security cameras put in place. I feel so sad for your mum. Get advice from a solicitor/lawyer about keeping your brother away and protecting your mum.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Snagging neighbors in enabling behavior? I disagree.
They’ll clean it all up, grandma and dopey return and the process starts all over again.

sell the place as is and grandma moves to her other place with money in hand.

OP needs to stop helping in any way. She’s not helping, she’s making the situation worse.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Snagging neighbors in enabling behavior? I disagree.
> They’ll clean it all up, grandma and dopey return and the process starts all over again.
> 
> sell the place as is and grandma moves to her other place with money in hand.
> ...


True. The easiest option would be for a quick sale as it is. The new buyer will clear it all out. She will get less money but it would be a lot less stress. 

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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Texisgirl said:


> Thank you all for the advice. It hurts me to see my mom struggle and it’s almost instinct for me to want to help but I have decided to step back from the whole situation. My husband and I are trying to build better for ourselves and our children. We are planning on moving, within the next year we will be away from the craziness. Of course I will continue to be there for my mother but not in the way I have been. The stress is just taking too much of a toll on me. I spread myself too thin trying to give everything to everyone but myself. I’ll leave her in God’s hands now! Thank you all again!


Good decision. Your mother is perfectly capable of taking care of herself if she would stop enabling your brother. So you are kind of at the top of the chain here enabling your mother which enables her to enable your brother. You need to completely get out of it and tell her you've got to put all your resources to your family and all your emotional investment as well. Tell her if she'd stop investing in your brother she wouldn't be struggling.


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