# this fog is extreme!!!



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Me and wife separated 1 month ago, she told me the usual bull "I love you but i'm not in love with u" . I have had her cousins and family that know her AP and they said he is a dog that has slept with married women before. She says they are just friends and insists that that is all, even though people have told me that they both have bragged about starting to sleep together 3 weeks before we separated. He also bragged that i called him and talked to him and he made me believe that nothing was going on, what a turd. 

Anyway she must be so infatuated with him that she has lost sight of everything that we ever had and it amazes and shocks me to the length she is going. She doesn't realize this mr perfect is in it to get laid and not take on her and her 2 kids. 

I got sweet messages from her a month before we separated about how she would never want to lose me and i was an amazing husband and father. Then i guess this douche must have put some talk in her head after that and showed her attention and she took the bait. Some of our friends have tried to talk to her since this all went down and they said its scary how her personallity changed, she is heartless and cold.

I will honestly say that i'm the kindest person you will ever meet if you got to know me, i really couldn't hurt a fly. I have never raised my voice at her in anger or hit her. I don't drink or do drugs, and i've never cheated on her.

What i'm getting at is it amazes me how much her view of me has changed because she is in this "fog". I can't do anything right, she is posting everything imaginable on facebook trying to make me seem like i'm horrible which couldn't be farther from the truth. I haven't really said anything to her since the split except the usual trying to talk her out of her desicion that she was gonna screw her life up. Yet with me staying quiet she still finds fuel to feed that fire and was relentless with her assault on me. She now has her mom on her side saying i need to grow up and is chewing me out. I'm just ignoring their text and calls and not adding to the situation. She claims i took everything away from her i destroyed her life....i mean really come on , i can't even raise my voice at her much less physically or verbally abuse her. 

I don't think her mom knows was her daughter is doing but they are trying to put all the blame (which are lies) on me to make them look good for a custody battle , i'm guessing. I'm just venting my frustration because i know the way my wife was 3 months ago, she was sweet and caring and loved to show me off to the world as her husband and know she would love to throw me in front of a bus, for no reason. She is the one that did the wrong and i wish she would just wake up and admit her mistakes and we could work on it from there, but does it really have to go this far???? She was screaming for a divorce the day after she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore. 

I just don't understand this fog stuff and to the extreme that this and the Affair has changed her. She seems to have really lost her mind and thats what my friends seem to think. I can't figure out how could she hate me so much, I DID NOTHINGGGGG, and she doesn't see that at all she really believes this crap she started telling herself and now it is snowballing and her family believes the lies.


----------



## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Believe me. EVERYBODY knows and knew long before you. The reason being that you are the proverbial "nice guy" and they didn't want to sweep the fog away from your eyes.
Got kids? If so, get a paternity test run for them ALL.
The only contact I would have with the guy who is cucking you would be with my fist and if that doesn't do the job, then a bat.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Fogshield (ie; go dark, no contact)... 










Play that card FTW!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hehehe. Good on, Pit.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Fogshield (ie; go dark, no contact)...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL thats what i'm saying, i went NC this past week, haven't spoken to the W since saturday and bam, guess what i'm still getting the blame for stuff and that i need to grow up. Me and my wife got pregnant when she was young 17 had baby when she was 18, now she is trying to catch up on the party time she missed while being a mom. She has lost her damn mind and its scary, i worry about my kids that are with her for 2 weeks at a time. I hope she isn't trying to brainwash them because that would be messed up. I just wonder how could having an affair with someone destroy the image of the person you shared so much with and that person never did you anything except maybe not spend enough quality time with u.


----------



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

tigercat, I am going through the exact same thing except my H won't admit to the EA. Everything I do is wrong and H is constantly making me out to be the villain. I have no idea what he has told his family about this situation, but, from what I gather, they have all told him that he is making an impulsive decision. No matter who tells him what, he is going to do what he wants to do. He is having divorce papers sent to him through the mail. They should be here Monday. That means that it will be exactly three weeks since i heard the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. 

I too have never fought with H. I let him go fishing and hunting, watch his sports, i do all the cleaning, i pick up after him, turn off lights behind him. He is almost like another child but I love him. He has always taken care of me and my daughter. But not anymore. The fog has a good hold on him and there is nothing I can do. I don't even want to know who the OW is because I feel that the pain will be too much for me to handle. 

I did nothing but try and be the best wife I could. I received a very loving text message the morning of the day my H dropped the bomb on me. Everybody I know thinks H is crazy and needs counseling but what can I do? 

I hope that your situation gets better. Try to remember your kids and keep them at the front of your mind always.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I have now been NC with my WW for over 4 months. I've only seen her at a couple of court proceedings. Other than that, nothing. It has not done much to change her, at least that I know of, but it has done a lot for me. 

I'm not as emotional about her infidelity as I once was and I'm actually doing pretty well. There are no guarantees with NC for the wayward but I can guarantee with time, you will feel a lot better. I just wish I wouldn't gone NC sooner.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> tigercat, I am going through the exact same thing except my H won't admit to the EA. Everything I do is wrong and H is constantly making me out to be the villain. I have no idea what he has told his family about this situation, but, from what I gather, they have all told him that he is making an impulsive decision. No matter who tells him what, he is going to do what he wants to do. He is having divorce papers sent to him through the mail. They should be here Monday. That means that it will be exactly three weeks since i heard the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line.
> 
> I too have never fought with H. I let him go fishing and hunting, watch his sports, i do all the cleaning, i pick up after him, turn off lights behind him. He is almost like another child but I love him. He has always taken care of me and my daughter. But not anymore. The fog has a good hold on him and there is nothing I can do. I don't even want to know who the OW is because I feel that the pain will be too much for me to handle.
> 
> ...


Our stories are very similar, I too am the responsible one in our marriage. I've always been neat and clean, take responsibility and do the work that needs to be done around the house. I also like to stay on top of our bills and buy extras after. My W also hasn't admitted to any wrong doing but i get enough info from many different sources to believe it. She claims they are only friends and that her family is messy and can't stand to see her happy so they lie on her. Since we split she makes it a point to tell everyone how happy and wonderful her life is now. Wow this is amazing , I am like a supervillian and i didn't even know it lol. Well she is discovering the world as she is into partying now (she never used to drink and now she does to the point that she doesn't remember what happened the night before). It was her fault she chose to have a baby so young and because she missed out on it a few years ago, TOUGH, u can't go back and do it now, be the mom your supposed to be and grow up. She had a great family with me and the girls but she is choosing to let it all slip away because she is not seeing the consequences of her actions. These guys she is messing with only want one thing and its not an instant family. SMH, just wish i could clear this fog up and make her see what she is doing.


----------



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Our stories are very similar, I too am the responsible one in our marriage. I've always been neat and clean, take responsibility and do the work that needs to be done around the house. I also like to stay on top of our bills and buy extras after. My W also hasn't admitted to any wrong doing but i get enough info from many different sources to believe it. She claims they are only friends and that her family is messy and can't stand to see her happy so they lie on her. Since we split she makes it a point to tell everyone how happy and wonderful her life is now. Wow this is amazing , I am like a supervillian and i didn't even know it lol. Well she is discovering the world as she is into partying now (she never used to drink and now she does to the point that she doesn't remember what happened the night before). It was her fault she chose to have a baby so young and because she missed out on it a few years ago, TOUGH, u can't go back and do it now, be the mom your supposed to be and grow up. She had a great family with me and the girls but she is choosing to let it all slip away because she is not seeing the consequences of her actions. These guys she is messing with only want one thing and its not an instant family. SMH, just wish i could clear this fog up and make her see what she is doing.


My H missed out on all of his childhood and is also trying to recapture it. The OW is a old high school girlfriend who has captured him although he won't say how and he won't admit that there is an EA. I had a child at a young age and know how it feels to "miss out" on certain things. No matter how hard WS's try they will never recapture their youth. The only difference between my H and your W is that my H's OW wants him for what he has to offer (his family is well to do) not who he is on the inside. I guarantee when she finds out the real him she will leave him in a heartbeat.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

tigercat said:


> just wish i could clear this fog up and make her see what she is doing.


This was my hope at the beginning. I tried everything I could but nothing worked. I've since realized that things are just gonna have to run their course. I can't change her and neither can anyone else. 

Do the best you can to live your life. That's the only thing you can control. If and when the fog lifts, go with what you feel. If you feel it's worth giving another shot, do it, with some boundaries, of course. If you feel like too much water has gone under the bridge, then you have that choice too. 

Unfortunately, the latter option, to not reconcile, is usually where things end up in many instances. I'm one who at this point is still willing to try to put things back together but I don't know if that will be the case when the fog lifts. I pray that it is because I know that our daughter would benefit more from a mother and father under the same roof. I want that now but what will I want as time passes? Only time will tell...


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> This was my hope at the beginning. I tried everything I could but nothing worked. I've since realized that things are just gonna have to run their course. I can't change her and neither can anyone else.
> 
> Do the best you can to live your life. That's the only thing you can control. If and when the fog lifts, go with what you feel. If you feel it's worth giving another shot, do it, with some boundaries, of course. If you feel like too much water has gone under the bridge, then you have that choice too.
> 
> Unfortunately, the latter option, to not reconcile, is usually where things end up in many instances. I'm one who at this point is still willing to try to put things back together but I don't know if that will be the case when the fog lifts. I pray that it is because I know that our daughter would benefit more from a mother and father under the same roof. I want that now but what will I want as time passes? Only time will tell...


I agree with you, we have 2 kids together and i know they would greatly benefit having both parents together. This not the call in all instances because drugs, alcohol , or abuse which isn't the case here. All of our problems could have been worked out with a little communication and work but she is now sucked into this fantasy world and doesn't think or marriage is worth trying for. My concern is that even if she realizes later down the road, is that the lies she told everyone now , will come back to bite her. They will tell her that it was so horrible living with me and i was this and that because thats what she got them believing.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Most people already know and even support her believing her lies about you and the marital history. So, exposure wouldn't work.

You moved out of your house leaving her and kid behind, right? If so, this will hurt your custody rights during D, no? Also, I don't know what other benefit is there for you to stay out of the house. I think you should move back in, and start D process. 

After all, she doesn't show any sign of slowing down with her A and is already demanding D. The OM gets laid anytime he wants as he lives so close and you being gone. He won't let her go and doesn't get to accept the reality of supporting her as you keep M intact. 

Each situation is different, and in your particular situation, is there anything you can do to shock her enough or make her life difficult enough before proceeding with D? Anything financial? To give her a sense of reality? I really don't see any.

If so, you should proceed with D. Get lawyers and find the options and financial fallout for both you and your W. Sit down with your W and discuss the terms of D, and move on. The last glimpse of hope is sometimes WW may wake up realizing the consequence of D in real light. Also, OM may change his tunes if he realizes she indeed does start D to be with him. Although nobody knows the future for certain.

If she will ever come around, the chances are high she will do so probably some time after D, but not before D, in my opinion. I am sorry I sound not so optimistic.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Most people already know and even support her believing her lies about you and the marital history. So, exposure wouldn't work.
> 
> You moved out of your house leaving her and kid behind, right? If so, this will hurt your custody rights during D, no? Also, I don't know what other benefit is there for you to stay out of the house. I think you should move back in, and start D process.
> 
> ...


No its cool, i'm looking for input for everyone, sometimes people see it a way i don't. I've already cut the ties on her financially, i start me a new account and closed our join, so now she is only getting the small amount of money she is bringing in (maybe $200 a week if she is lucky). The money isn't a problem with her because she just stopped caring about bills and other stuff once this Affair started.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

What has she admitted so far? EA, PA, or just a friendship? If she has not admitted any inappropriate relationship with him, maybe that's another reason for you to move back in house to gather any evidence to confront her with?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Fogshield (ie; go dark, no contact)...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes. Until she goes NC and withdraws there is going to be fog.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tigercat said:


> I don't think her mom knows was her daughter is doing but they are trying to put all the blame (which are lies) on me to make them look good for a custody battle , i'm guessing. I'm just venting my frustration because i know the way my wife was 3 months ago, she was sweet and caring and loved to show me off to the world as her husband and know she would love to throw me in front of a bus, for no reason. She is the one that did the wrong and i wish she would just wake up and admit her mistakes and we could work on it from there, but does it really have to go this far???? She was screaming for a divorce the day after she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore.
> 
> I just don't understand this fog stuff and to the extreme that this and the Affair has changed her. She seems to have really lost her mind and thats what my friends seem to think. I can't figure out how could she hate me so much, I DID NOTHINGGGGG, and she doesn't see that at all she really believes this crap she started telling herself and now it is snowballing and her family believes the lies.


You have to accept the fact that the wife you knew is dead. She's a different person now. Because you were suce a nice beta guy, she HAS TO DEMONIZE YOU in order to rationalize her selfish actions to herself. That's all there is to it. What I've observed here, is that the nicer the BS has been, the MORE the WS has to come up with things to demonize the BS.

Its simple rationalization. She has to build it up in her mind that you're such a monster. Ignore their blameshifting, because you know that deep down, they know it isnt true. Let her go.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I know its against all odds and i'm not counting on it to happen but do these WSs ever return to original form? or do they just partially come out of the fog and still act weird.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tigercat said:


> I know its against all odds and i'm not counting on it to happen but do these WSs ever return to original form? or do they just partially come out of the fog and still act weird.


Some do, some don't. My first wife had an affair, walked out the door and never came back. My current fWW came out of the fog and we're in R, but she was in a long distance EA that never went PA. My first wife was in a full on PA, so she never came out of the fog. And if I never speak to her again, it will be too soon.

Your WW is completely unremorseful and unrepentant, so I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. In fact, this one is downright vicious. Let her go!


----------



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> You have to accept the fact that the wife you knew is dead. She's a different person now. Because you were suce a nice beta guy, she HAS TO DEMONIZE YOU in order to rationalize her selfish actions to herself. That's all there is to it. What I've observed here, is that *the nicer the BS has been, the MORE the WS has to come up with things to demonize the BS.*


This is so true! I was the best wife ever until 2 weeks ago! Now I am a vicious monster out to sabotage my WH and his fantasy land.



lordmayhem said:


> Its simple rationalization. She has to build it up in her mind that you're such a monster. *Ignore their blameshifting, because you know that deep down, they know it isnt true.* Let her go.


Do you have any techniques that will help to ignore the blameshifting? I can usually go a few days but eventually I snap. Then WH says that I am being disrespectful and pushing him farther and farther away :scratchhead:


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

That's why it's a good idea to expose before you separate.

History is now rewritten: you were a monster she separated from, but by miracle found a new love away from you.


----------

