# So my wife moved out, talks about separation..HELP!



## [email protected] (Jun 11, 2008)

Ok everyone. Here's basically the story.. I hope I can get some clarification please, I am so confused! She says one thing, talks about separation but says opposites too!

History: we've been together for 8 yrs, living together for 6 and married for 1.5yrs. I'm 29 and she's 27. She hasn't been happy with work for awhile and has always been upset that she hasn't taken any schooling since highschool. She's talked about wanting to have kids the last yr. or so and we even started trying a little harder at the beginning of the year but then all of a sudden the sex just dropped off. Not like we had sex often anyways. Maybe once a month for the last couple of years...

In May my wife started getting really depressed and kept saying "I can't deal with this", "I can't talk to you", I'm not happy at home", "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you", "I'm not sure how much I love you", "I need to fix myself", "I need to be an individual, and be on my own". Before I knew it she left her wedding ring on the living room table and hasn't worn it since. She started to hang out on the computer to the wee hours of the morning, not like her. I found out she was starting to hang around with a guy friend she has know since high school who is divorced and has 2 kids. There was nothing going on before all this with him though. She was staying there some nights until 2-3am! Finally I confronted her about cheating with him. She said nothing has gone on but she did have emotions for him. A few days later she was happy and wanted to work things out. The next day she was back at his place. Finally confronted her that night and said this isn't fair to me and one of us should leave that night. She offered and went to her parents.
She has not come home yet and it's been a month. Last weekend she moved everything out. Said that she wants to move into an apartment. She's registered for school. She's moved her job closer to her parents. She talked about separation and dividing out our stuff but it seems rehersed like someone had been telling it all to her. She admits that all she knows is that a separation should be in place and that we should be dividing stuff but doesn't know anything else. In the same conversation she says that this might not work out for her in 2-3 months and she may want to come back. She told me that it might take a year and then she might want to come back but if at that time I've moved on and there is no place for her, that it will be her mistake. 
I told her this is not what I want to do and that it is up to her to be the first to find a lawyer and get the ball rolling. It's been over a month and she still hasn't done anything.....

So where do I stand?? She seems to continue to flip-flop. I don't know if I should stay out of her way or contact her??? Be there for her? SHe has always said from the beginning that it's not all about me, there's other things... Anyone been here???


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## Sooner Girl (Jul 17, 2008)

I'm really sorry. I can tell you from a female point of view I thing you should leave her alone and wait for her to contact you or a lawyer. I don't mean to be so harsh, but if you keep calling her asking her what she is going to do you will run her off. I have been there. I don't thing most women like needy guys - someone tell me if you think i am wrong. The more needy a guy gets the less attractive he gets. I think you deserve the truth becuse it sound like you are getting the run a round from her. I think she is keeping you at an arms reach as a back up in case her current situation doesn't work out. I hope you can see that somewhere there is a silver lining and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

I was in the same situation back in September 2006. My wife and I had been married 15 years, we had a child age 5 and we had just moved into our first home. A week after moving in she dropped the bomb on me and said she wasn't in love with me anymore and thought a separation would be a good idea. It was totally out of the blue. I tried and I treid to communicate with her but she had no idea why she felt this way. When I finally got her to tell me something she gave me some pretty logical explanations but in the end I found they weren't really the problems. We managed to work things out and got back together but then she relapsed and we were off again. After a 12 months I was ready to call it quits. I cut ties with her, stopped talking to her and I didn't want to see her. I hit rock bottom emotionally so I picked myself up and went to the book store to find a self help book to get me out of my funk. While browsing the shelves I came across a book titles "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You". I browsed the book it totally described the last year of my life. I bought it and read several chapters that night. It explains that why someone falls out of love and gives many suggestions to get that person back. It worked for me. I called my wife and shared what I read and eventually bought her a copy. It helped us communicate and it helped her open up. I made me understand why she was going through this and understand that she really didn't know why she felt this way. I was able to change my approach towards getting us back together and thankfully it worked. I suggest you check out this book and see if it works for you. It's been 11 months since we worked things out and we're going strong. We even adopted our second child. I wish you luck and I'm hear if you'd like to know more.


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## kathyhl (Jul 24, 2008)

I have to agree with Sooner Girl. From a womans point of view, she is slowly moving out of your life, but it sounds like she doesn't really want to hurt your feelings, which is what might be causing you confusion. It sounds like she's moving further from you, but in the same breath saying if it doesn't work out she might be back. That in itself is giving you hope. I worked in a situation for 22 years where I interacted with many seperating and divorcing couples, and I've seen many women do the same thing because they just don't want to hurt the man. I'm no professional, this is just an educated comment. I wish you luck in whatever you do.


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