# Trying to Stay Strong...



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

My husband and I have been separated for several weeks... I have been staying with my parents during this time (just a few minutes down the road) while he stays at the house. I won't go into details, but I have evidence that he has either had a physical or emotional affair with another woman. At the least he's had an innapropriate relationship with her for a married man... Of course he still denies that this woman is any more than a good friend and that he barely ever sees her. 
I would be willing to forgive my husband and work towards rebuilding our marriage, but he makes no effort towards doing that. He doesn't say he wants a divorce, but makes no effort towards reconciling with me. 
I have days where I feel so much hurt and betrayal and I tell myself "I'm not making any contact with him until he contacts me! He's the guilty one and he needs to make things right with me!" It almost makes me feel better when I'm in this state of mind. I realize that he's the one losing out and I know I deserve better.
I also have moments when I want him back so bad that I go into desperation mode. I'll message him and let him know I think we still have hope for our marriage and that I'm willing to put the effort in if he is, ask him what he's doing, etc. I'll go to the house when he's not there just to see if our wedding picture is still on his nightstand because it makes me feel as though he's still thinking about me. 
I just wish I could quit obsessing over him and get back to a semi-normal life. I have moments where I just accept that our marriage is more than likely over and then moments where I'm sobbing at the thought of us not being together.
It's only been a few weeks. How much time do I give him to come around and make things right before I choose to file for divorce on my own?


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Catcake86 said:


> I have days where I feel so much hurt and betrayal and I tell myself "I'm not making any contact with him until he contacts me! He's the guilty one and he needs to make things right with me!" It almost makes me feel better when I'm in this state of mind. I realize that he's the one losing out and I know I deserve better.


This. Keep doing this. It's called the "The 180." 

Do you own your home?


----------



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

I'll def. check out the 180. Yes, we own our home.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Catcake86 said:


> I'll def. check out the 180. Yes, we own our home.


YOU should not be the one to move out, then, if HE is the one who cheated.


----------



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

I know... You are right. I do find some comfort staying with my family though instead of living alone in the house.

Oh my, I read the 180... I really need to do these things no matter how desperate I feel. I really think this is part of my problem. My husband knows I'm just waiting around for him to ask me back. He feels no pressure to do the right thing. I need to focus big time on following this list and work on improving myself and letting him see I can move on with my life with or without him.... It's just so hard sometimes :/


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Catcake86 said:


> I know... You are right. I do find some comfort staying with my family though instead of living alone in the house.
> 
> Oh my, I read the 180... *I really need to do these things no matter how desperate I feel.* I really think this is part of my problem. My husband knows I'm just waiting around for him to ask me back. He feels no pressure to do the right thing.* I need to focus big time on following this list and work on improving myself and letting him see I can move on with my life with or without him.*... It's just so hard sometimes :/


Yep, you get it!  It's hard, for sure. Lots and lots of us have been in your shoes. You will find a lot of support here.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Ok Cat, what evidence do you have? Bear in mind there's a big difference between evidence and suspicion.


----------



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

I knew he had been taking this girl to dinner some the last few months. He claims she was having some life problems and he was just being a friend to her. I didn't like it, but I was okay with it. But since then I have found pictures of them out to dinner that he had never told me about. I also found pictures of them at a baseball game that he told me she didn't go to. The phone bill shows they text all day every day. The real kicker was when I found a screen shot of a Facebook message they had where he was describing a very sexual dream he had about the two of them. He admits the message was innapropriate, but takes no responsibility for anything. He just wants to say over and over "I've never ever touched her. We're just close friends. I don't know why you're so jealous of her and can't get her out of your head!"


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband clearly married WAY above his ability level. 

Time he learns some important lessons before he messes his life up. 

Hopefully it is not too late for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

Thanks MattMatt. I know I'm not perfect, but I've been a good wife to him. I've always trusted him and given him his freedom. We had a great marriage I thought. I think things started innocently with the OW and then he got in deeper than he had planned. 
The sad thing is, while many women would have already kicked their man to the curb, I would be willing to forgive and work on our marriage. He is too stubborn to admit responsibility and his innapropriate relationship with the other woman.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Catcake86 said:


> I knew he had been taking this girl to dinner some the last few months. He claims she was having some life problems and he was just being a friend to her. I didn't like it, but I was okay with it. But since then I have found pictures of them out to dinner that he had never told me about. I also found pictures of them at a baseball game that he told me she didn't go to. The phone bill shows they text all day every day. The real kicker was when I found a screen shot of a Facebook message they had where he was describing a very sexual dream he had about the two of them. He admits the message was innapropriate, but takes no responsibility for anything. He just wants to say over and over "I've never ever touched her. We're just close friends. I don't know why you're so jealous of her and can't get her out of your head!"


 What you just described is a textbook emotional affair (EA), no question about it. An EA is cheating even if they have not had sex yet. Studies show that most cheaters in an EA believe that although their behavior is inappropriate it is not cheating as long as they have not had sex. You leaving while letting him know that you would take him back at anytime, is letting him cake eat risk free as continuous to explore a relationship with this other woman as he decides what is best for him. 

You need to tell your husband that if there is a romantic element in a relationship, such as discussing dreaming about having sex with this other woman (OW), that such a relationship is not strictly platonic. You need to also tell him that going out with this OW, where the relationship is not strictly platonic is called dating, even if they have not yet actually had sex with that person, and that dating such a person while married is called cheating. Tell your husband that you do not want to be in a marriage where he dates another woman as he decides if will have sex with her, before there is a divorce. Ask your husband to decide which he values more, his marriage to you or his budding relationship with this OW. Tell him that if he cannot decide to choose you by going full no contact (NC) with this OW, that you will have your answer that you are no longer the priority woman in his life, and that you will file for divorce to free him to continue to pursue his budding inappropriate relationship with this OW. Tell him that since you are not a cheater, that you would need to divorce him so that you can also start dating other people as you move on with your life. Remember that if he cannot pick you now, that the odds that he would pick you later only get lower, and that you must be willing to end your marriage for real, in order to have the best chance at really saving it long term. Good luck. I am sorry that you are here.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Catcake86 said:


> I don't know why you're so jealous of her and can't get her out of your head!"


Wait WHO is the one who can't get her out of their head???


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Catcake86 said:


> He is too stubborn to admit responsibility and his innapropriate relationship with the other woman.


 He is not being stubborn. He is knowingly cheating as he decides if he want to go through the rest of his life with her instead of you. You are the one being too stubborn to admit this horrible reality to yourself. Again, I am sorry that you are here.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Cat you're going to have to wake up, smell the coffee, and draw a line in the sand. From what you said, your old man has nothing to lose and is holding all the chips, figuring you're not really going to do anything while youre merely waiting your turn and hoping he'll come back around. He's playing it for all its worth.
Put a time line on it and tell him he's got X number of days to ditch this "friendship", be your husband, or ditch his marriage. Letting him string you along has no benefit for you and sets a bad precedent for his future behavior.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The truth is even if everything he says is true, their are times in a marriage where a spouse needs to deal with the reality their spouse is living. Please note I said "there ARE times".

So again, even if everything he says is true, this is one of these times - so the ow goes. 

There is another poster here who grew up with a father who would get drunk often and beat the mother and children. As a result she triggers when ever around people who are drinking, especially when her husband is also drinking. They separated and his attitude is I would never hit her. To be blunt he needs to grow up. I would say to him "really you want to drink more than you want your marriage"?

There is always a balance in a marriage but in that posters case and your's (from the info giving) you both need to move on. Your ex's need to become a measuring rod (both great and bad) for future mates.

Not easy to do, but better then a lifetime of this pain.

Finally: your reaction to try to preserve your marriage is very common, regardless of gender.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Catcake86 said:


> I knew he had been taking this girl to dinner some the last few months. He claims she was having some life problems and he was just being a friend to her. I didn't like it, but I was okay with it. But since then I have found pictures of them out to dinner that he had never told me about. I also found pictures of them at a baseball game that he told me she didn't go to. The phone bill shows they text all day every day. The real kicker was when I found a screen shot of a Facebook message they had where he was describing a very sexual dream he had about the two of them. He admits the message was innapropriate, but takes no responsibility for anything. He just wants to say over and over "I've never ever touched her. We're just close friends. I don't know why you're so jealous of her and can't get her out of your head!"


How long have you been married? How old are you and how old is your husband? How is your sex life?

You have allowed him to date. He is dating this woman! He makes no effort to save your marriage. You are now Plan B. Based on the sexual message that he sent her, they are having both emotional and a physical affair. 

Your husband does not respect you. See an attorney to protect your rights. You also need to see a psychologist. You have a very low esteem. You are willing to accept the crumbs that your husband throws at you while the Other Woman is eating the pie. Sorry that you here.


----------



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

Everyone is dead on right. This came out of nowhere for me and I'm shocked by his betrayal. I know that I am making excuses for him wanting to believe that his relationship with the OW is innocent when I know the reality. I appreciate everyone's advice and it's nice to hear from others who aren't just thinking with their hearts like I am!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

File for divorce. That might be what he is hoping for or it might wake him up.

He is definitely cheating and it is most likely physical.

Limbo sucks. Stop wanting and hoping for something you know will never happen. Your move.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

File for Divorce and move on. You will find a better man trust me.
Your husband is cheating and doing it in front of your eyes.

Talk with lawyer to see your options.

Stay strong.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Catcake86 said:


> I knew he had been taking this girl to dinner some the last few months. He claims she was having some life problems and he was just being a friend to her. I didn't like it, but I was okay with it. But since then I have found pictures of them out to dinner that he had never told me about. I also found pictures of them at a baseball game that he told me she didn't go to. The phone bill shows they text all day every day. The real kicker was when I found a screen shot of a Facebook message they had where he was describing a very sexual dream he had about the two of them. He admits the message was innapropriate, but takes no responsibility for anything. He just wants to say over and over "I've never ever touched her. We're just close friends. I don't know why you're so jealous of her and can't get her out of your head!"


Total BS. If you're married you don't take another woman to dinner. Cmon!

Is she married? Check your phone bill now


----------

