# Passion



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What are people's thoughts on what I think of as "passion". Enthusiastic, unpredictable romance and sex. 

On thinking about the sexual gap between my wife and myself, I find that passion may be one of the largest differences. 

I have a desire for fun and spontaneity. I want to get back to the hotel and tear each others clothes off. I want to be occasionally jumped when I get home or on the sofa. I want to be able to give her a back massage and have it sometimes turn into sex. 

She sees sex as very practical. Always in the bedroom. Usually on chore day. She has gotten a lot better about being willing to do things that I like, and I really appreciate that, but it always feels planned - like another of her weekly chores.

When I've gently asked her about this, she doesn't see the point of spontaneity - its much more convenient to have sex] in bed, at our normal time on weekends. 


Are there many others out there who don't like passion and spontaneity?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I like passion and spontaneity but did have to explain to MrH in small words why spontaneity 10 minutes before we have guests arriving is not going to work for me.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

I like passion and spontaneity but I do more than 85% of the chores so yes it needs to be "scheduled".

Maybe it is a chore to her? 
Not necessarily that she doesn't enjoy it (does she?) but is she doing most of the household tasks?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Of course it is a chore for her. Has been for ever.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

A passionate and spontaneous female is a single and childless female. It's part of the sales job, marketing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> What are people's thoughts on what I think of as "passion". Enthusiastic, unpredictable romance and sex.
> 
> On thinking about the sexual gap between my wife and myself, I find that passion may be one of the largest differences.
> 
> ...



Here's the thing Uhtred, son of Uhtred.

I agree with your thoughts and your' desires about unbridled passion, spontaneous sex.

The thing is: Women with this much passion will make you fearful and anxious. Being as horny and willing as yourself will make her a target for other men.
A target for her own emotions and weaknesses.

Knowing she is a ticking sex bomb....
Knowing this. How to you ever leave her alone to her own devices.

Being ever passionate and horny is a large burden to carry.
Horny men are ever failing.

Women? Be anxious, my friend.

All it takes is one bad argument with her lover, another man looking good, talking well, smelling delicious. The chemistry is there. The mixture melds, in the back seat of some SUV.
I know, I know...don't be insulting..... all women are not dogs....
Just men.

Uh, no. 
Under the skin, we are all soft, pink and vulnerable. Top the skin with horn toad elixir....you got anxious spouses.

Just Sayin'


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Passion can persist throughout a relationship, but I suspect that isn't common for most couples, even when there is persistent love. We still have passion, romance, and spontaneity after more than 17 years.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

I prefer a slow, constant, smolder....so passionate YES, but not necessarily spontaneous? Sex has been anticipated and stoked allllllll day...maybe 2 days lol. Kinda like the iron smelting fireplaces those brilliant Vikings used...right Untred? 

It's a better experience for ME when my mind has been engaged and aroused for awhile prior to. 

> it brings out my creative side...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> What are people's thoughts on what I think of as "passion". Enthusiastic, unpredictable romance and sex.
> 
> On thinking about the sexual gap between my wife and myself, I find that passion may be one of the largest differences.
> 
> ...


*Loving, committed sex should happen just about anywhere where there is a noted absence from prying, inquisitive, eyes, and the innocent eyes of children!

Not only the bedroom, but kitchen islands and bathrooms vanities, shower stalls, the living room, even the laundry room washer on spin cycle! Or take it out to the yard or a shady grove of trees off in your pasture ~ so long as the cows ain't watching!

Hell, just use 1/10th of your vivid imagination!*


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

uhtred said:


> *When I've gently asked her about this, she* doesn't see the point of spontaneity - its much more convenient to have sex] in bed, at our normal time on weekends.





arbitrator said:


> *Loving, committed sex should happen just about anywhere where there is a noted absence from prying, inquisitive, eyes, and the innocent eyes of children!
> 
> Not only the bedroom, but kitchen islands and bathrooms vanities, shower stalls, the living room, even the laundry room washer on spin cycle! Or take it out to the yard or a shady grove of trees off in your pasture ~ so long as the cows ain't watching!
> 
> Hell, just use 1/10th of your vivid imagination!*



You are not going to get this level of fun & enthusiasm by "gently asking".

Cows or no cows, outdoor play is the best. Now mosquitos on the other hand...that's a deal breaker!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Don't Panic said:


> You are not going to get this level of fun & enthusiasm by "gently asking".
> 
> *Cows or no cows, outdoor play is the best. Now mosquitos on the other hand...that's a deal breaker!*


*That's what outdoor Cutter is all about!*


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > What are people's thoughts on what I think of as "passion". Enthusiastic, unpredictable romance and sex.
> ...


Eh, too much generalization here. As a Virgo sun Virgo rising Scorpio moon (am I speaking your language with this??) I can tell you that extremely passionate, enthusiastic, spontaneous women exist who would NEVER stray and are completely loyal and steadfast and have eyes and heart and passion for her man only.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *That's what outdoor Cutter is all about!*


Coincidentally, I just came across a can of Cutter while cleaning out a closet yesterday morning, I will take your suggestion into consideration Arb

0 Combined with a little coconut oil of course


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I can have passionate sex in any circumstances, including spontaneous or planned, in the bedroom on a Tuesday night or hanging out of a tree house on a tropical island or in the backseat of a car parked behind a grocery store in broad daylight. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. (Ok that last line isn't true it is lyrics from a song that popped into my head as I was writing this and it cracked me up. Anyone wants to crack yourself up, pull up The Humpty Dance and give a listen). 

Anyway my point was that passionate sex doesn't really require any certain conditions for me. I am the one that makes the passion, not the conditions.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Don't Panic said:


> Coincidentally, I just came across a can of Cutter while cleaning out a closet yesterday morning, I will take your suggestion into consideration Arb
> 
> 0 Combined with a little coconut oil of course


*And please keep the spray well out of "sensitive areas," if you know what I mean!*


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> I can have passionate sex in any circumstances, including spontaneous or planned, in the bedroom on a Tuesday night or hanging out of a tree house on a tropical island or in the backseat of a car parked behind a grocery store in broad daylight. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. (Ok that last line isn't true it is lyrics from a song that popped into my head as I was writing this and it cracked me up. Anyone wants to crack yourself up, pull up The Humpty Dance and give a listen).
> 
> Anyway my point was that passionate sex doesn't really require any certain conditions for me. I am the one that makes the passion, not the conditions.




Your guy is a lucky man!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Fair question but for us household tasks are pretty even. We have quite a bit of free time (no kids, maid service), so household chores are not all that time consuming. 

She claims to and appears to enjoy sex but wants it fairly infrequently (every couple of weeks to 1/month would be her preference). 



LaReine said:


> I like passion and spontaneity but I do more than 85% of the chores so yes it needs to be "scheduled".
> 
> Maybe it is a chore to her?
> Not necessarily that she doesn't enjoy it (does she?) but is she doing most of the household tasks?
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see what you are saying, but I'm not wired for jealousy. I'm not worried about her flirting with or being with other men. I don't want it to happen, but it isn't something I worry about. I have many failings, but insecurity isn't one of them....




SunCMars said:


> Here's the thing Uhtred, son of Uhtred.
> 
> I agree with your thoughts and your' desires about unbridled passion, spontaneous sex.
> 
> ...


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Fair question but for us household tasks are pretty even. We have quite a bit of free time (no kids, maid service), so household chores are not all that time consuming.
> 
> 
> 
> She claims to and appears to enjoy sex but wants it fairly infrequently (every couple of weeks to 1/month would be her preference).




Ok so she is low drive. That's only bad if it doesn't work for you (which clearly it doesn't). 

My husband is like that whereas my preference is 3+ a week. It causes frequent frustration but it doesn't change my love for (or commitment to) him.

Assuming there is nothing wrong with her (has she had hormone levels checked?), can you live with this, it is it a desk breaker? 




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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My story here is long. The summary is that I'm happier living with it than divorcing her, but I wish there were a way to fix it. 

Her LD issues and lack of passion are a little different. She does sometimes want sex, I just find it strange that when she does, it never seems coupled to romance /passion. Its just something she wants to do. 




LaReine said:


> Ok so she is low drive. That's only bad if it doesn't work for you (which clearly it doesn't).
> 
> My husband is like that whereas my preference is 3+ a week. It causes frequent frustration but it doesn't change my love for (or commitment to) him.
> 
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I see what you are saying, but I'm not wired for jealousy. I'm not worried about her flirting with or being with other men. I don't want it to happen, but it isn't something I worry about. I have many failings, but insecurity isn't one of them....


Ah, I had a wonderful retort, I did.
With a flick of a thumb on my keyboard, I alt-some thing, I erased it away.

Let me rebuild..... a lesser copy, i'm sure.

You are not worried, you are sure.
You are not worried, for you hope she is pure.

You are not jealous, you give her the hope.
You give her the leeway, the plank and the rope.

She is allowed to strut, to flirt, to flaunt.
She has the stuff, that men so want.

You hold her not close, her bosom, not at bay.
You allow her to sing, to take her stuffing away.

Away from your sight, and your broad shoulder.
Away she goes, again she flirts, her action more bolder.

And when you lose her, it is you who yearns.
And ii was you that let go of the leash, your regret now burns.

When you got a good one. Keep em' close, keep em' safe. 

Keep em' yours' til Death do Ye' part.

Never let go of the leash. 
For it is your' only sure grip.
On her vanilla. On your' joy.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> My story here is long. The summary is that I'm happier living with it than divorcing her, but I wish there were a way to fix it.
> 
> 
> 
> Her LD issues and lack of passion are a little different. She does sometimes want sex, I just find it strange that when she does, it never seems coupled to romance /passion. Its just something she wants to do.




I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. My husband is the same 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LaReine said:


> Ok so she is low drive. That's only bad if it doesn't work for you (which clearly it doesn't).
> 
> My husband is like that whereas my preference is 3+ a week. It causes frequent frustration but it doesn't change my love for (or commitment to) him.
> 
> ...


Ah, yes, desk breaker.
Those are bad times, bad on the hands.:smthumbup:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I can have passionate sex in any circumstances, including spontaneous or planned, in the bedroom on a Tuesday night or hanging out of a tree house on a tropical island or in the backseat of a car parked behind a grocery store in broad daylight. I once got busy in a *Burger King bathroom.* (Ok that last line isn't true it is lyrics from a song that popped into my head as I was writing this and it cracked me up. Anyone wants to crack yourself up, pull up The Humpty Dance and give a listen).
> 
> Anyway my point was that passionate sex doesn't really require any certain conditions for me. I am the one that makes the passion, not the conditions.


*"Burger King ~ Home of The Whopper!"*


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Ah, yes, desk breaker.
> 
> Those are bad times, bad on the hands.:smthumbup:




I knew getting a new phone was a bad idea


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

uhtred said:


> What are people's thoughts on what I think of as "passion". *Enthusiastic, unpredictable romance and sex. *


One thing I have found in the differences between my H and myself is.. I am more of an Erotic... I have the book below that lays out the different libido types.... One thing you will note is... *the EROTIC *is harder to please as we thrive and get very excited over Passionate lusty desire, we want to feel that and if it's lacking in any way.. it's a downer...like our fantasies are not being fulfilled.. is this how you feel , what you are longing for ? 

I would say my H is still passionate... just more in a sensual /emotional sorta way.. whereas I'd describe myself more of an Erotic ... I am fulfilled in the way he brings, how he loves...yet still I long for more of the adventurous at times, with that spontaneity, there is something more urgent about it, animalistic even, showing our sexual "need" in the moment. When 2 come together like this... it is very very







...what our fantasies are made of. 

I did this post a while back -taken from that book, explaining the 10 types...

*** Our differences in Libido types and Lover styles...so often there is a disconnect/ misunderstanding of our deep desires/fantasies / what sex means to us...that needs worked through...

So typical in Marriage.. one partner may crave more bedroom time over another ... one partner may crave more Positions/more spicing/ flirting/ teasing/ role play.... one may have a fetish....one may prefer the sensual "making Love"/ the other something of a more WILD Lust adventure ...One may enjoy the confident Erotic Aggressor ... another naturally more passive/ less of an initiator... some are such Pleasers by nature, they will struggle to feel "fulfilled" unless their partner is wholly satisfied. 

To come to understand our Partner's Lover style ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....
When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 

...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> Anyway my point was that passionate sex doesn't really require any certain conditions for me. *I am the one that makes the passion,* not the conditions.


This is a very important point....Us Erotics ...we have *a need* to bring the passion, initiate it even...it flows from who we are, how we express ourselves to our partner....and it's so much fun!! It's what makes us feel alive, especially if it turns them on ...(I know I feel this way)... though the down side is.....if I felt rejected in this .....I'd feel like he threw cold water in my face, or punched me in the stomach... I'd be devastated .... 

In this way.. I find I am very emotional in my passion/ about Passion.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

To me, romance and passion are different things. A lot of what other people find romantic isn't at all appealing to me, and is probably more likely to make me flippant than to generate passion. 

Passion is a different animal. Not exactly sure where it comes from, and I'll admit that it's tempered with age, but it's still there, waiting for a good time.

uhtred, is your wife passionate about other things? What awakens her?


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> I like passion and spontaneity but did have to explain to MrH in small words why spontaneity 10 minutes before we have guests arriving is not going to work for me.


How else do you answer the door, looking a bit guilty, slightly disheveled, but oh so relaxed?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion "passion and spontaneity" are two very different things. While the concept of "routine passion" might sound like a paradox, to others "spontaneous passion" might sound more like a paradox. 

Some folks might need for everything to be familiar, comfortable, and rehearsed before they can let themselves go and fully respond in an intimate moment with a great deal of passion. This would be someone that craves *oxytocin-based passion.*

Other folks might need adventure, variety, and feeling as though they are experiencing something completely new in order to fully respond in an intimate moment with a great deal of passion. This would be someone that craves *adrenaline-based passion.*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> One thing I have found in the differences between my H and myself is.. I am more of an Erotic... I have the book below that lays out the different libido types.... One thing you will note is... *the EROTIC *is harder to please as we thrive and get very excited over Passionate lusty desire, we want to feel that and if it's lacking in any way.. it's a downer...like our fantasies are not being fulfilled.. is this how you feel , what you are longing for ?
> 
> I would say my H is still passionate... just more in a sensual /emotional sorta way.. whereas I'd describe myself more of an Erotic ... I am fulfilled in the way he brings, how he loves...yet still I long for more of the adventurous at times, with that spontaneity, there is something more urgent about it, animalistic even, showing our sexual "need" in the moment. When 2 come together like this... it is very very
> 
> ...


Wow, I am going back to Venus...

Being two men in a boat..

Ulysses is Erotic, SunCMars is Reactive.
A nice blend of coffee.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> I like passion and spontaneity but did have to explain to MrH in small words why spontaneity 10 minutes before we have guests arriving is not going to work for me.


would Mr H compromise to 2 hours before?

at least he shows his interest.

unfortunately so do I, but it is a chore for her.

not on the evenings before she works. not on the days she works. not so much for evenings, because then she can't sleep.

not in the mornings, because she will hurt all day. I do try to make sure that I never hurt her.

solutions? if you have one, just quote this and let me know.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> solutions? if you have one, just quote this and let me know.


Divorce her and find another. And yes, I understand why you might not find that a satisfying response. I am not leaving mine, either. It is still the 7% solution.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

An interesting post with the types of libido. Of course both of us are a combination of various aspects and I can't quite specify it in those terms.

For me, sex is one part of an overall romantic / passionate relationship / situation. 

So, I am more interested in sex after a day spent on vacation with my wife, enjoying each other's company. I want some amount of build-up / anticipation during the day. 

She is much more into practicality. She sees no reason to head back to the hotel early when we are on vacation, feels that we can have sex any time we want back home, why "waste" vacation time. 

"Mood" during sex matters a lot to me - and I enjoy quite a bit of variation. Loving / romantic is great, but so is tying someone to the bed, or playful or naughty, etc. For my wife, it is the physical actions that matter most - she also likes variation, but doesn't see different actions as involving different moods.


We are the opposite of traditional gender rolls this way. 









SimplyAmorous said:


> One thing I have found in the differences between my H and myself is.. I am more of an Erotic... I have the book below that lays out the different libido types.... One thing you will note is... *the EROTIC *is harder to please as we thrive and get very excited over Passionate lusty desire, we want to feel that and if it's lacking in any way.. it's a downer...like our fantasies are not being fulfilled.. is this how you feel , what you are longing for ?
> 
> I would say my H is still passionate... just more in a sensual /emotional sorta way.. whereas I'd describe myself more of an Erotic ... I am fulfilled in the way he brings, how he loves...yet still I long for more of the adventurous at times, with that spontaneity, there is something more urgent about it, animalistic even, showing our sexual "need" in the moment. When 2 come together like this... it is very very
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

No, she really isn't very passionate about things. There are things she enjoys, things she cares about, but not really passionate. I, on the other hand, am passionate (in then sense of meaning that I care a lot) about a wide variety of things. 


Romantic is a wort that means very different things to different people, so I should probably not use it. I may be using a somewhat more archaic version where "romantic" includes things that are interesting in a subtle sort of way. Maybe I can give examples:

Walking through the (less touristy) parts of Venice, through alleys that have barely changed in 500 years.

Watching the sunset behind a jungle covered mountain on an island in the south pacific.

Walking through the streets of Akrotiri, buried 3500 years ago when the island exploded. Or maybe more so, finding the ruins of Karfi high in the mountains of Crete - just a few small sad foundations that were the last refuge of the Minoan civilization.

Kayaking on a jungle river with the trees growing overhead to form a dark green tunnel, dozens of flowers floating on the calm water. 

A day spent exploring our nearby city, walking, eating good food. 









wild jade said:


> To me, romance and passion are different things. A lot of what other people find romantic isn't at all appealing to me, and is probably more likely to make me flippant than to generate passion.
> 
> Passion is a different animal. Not exactly sure where it comes from, and I'll admit that it's tempered with age, but it's still there, waiting for a good time.
> 
> uhtred, is your wife passionate about other things? What awakens her?


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Next time you're in a hotel when checking in whisper in her ear "start thinking of ways we can get have sex here..."
Taking her out for dinner? Tell her start thinking of ways we can do it tonight. 
Put the thought in her mind, let it marinate. When it's time she will be ready. Hopefully.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> would Mr H compromise to 2 hours before?
> 
> at least he shows his interest.
> 
> ...


Sorry HB I was being a bit flippant, we have an otherwise very active sex life but 10 mins before guests would ruin my hair which takes a while to do.

I wish I had a solution for you and have been where you are, first husband and I were a mismatch. We ended up divorced and TBH the more I read here the more I am sure divorce is often the right solution.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> Sorry HB I was being a bit flippant, we have an otherwise very active sex life but 10 mins before guests would ruin my hair which takes a while to do.
> 
> I wish I had a solution for you and have been where you are, first husband and I were a mismatch. We ended up divorced and TBH the more I read here the more I am sure divorce is often the right solution.


Well, if anyone actually noticed your messed up hair and said something about it, a simple wink would be more than enough explanation


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> Well, if anyone actually noticed your messed up hair and said something about it, a simple wink would be more than enough explanation


But the hair Sammy, the hair. Tis my pride and joy and I like it to look great. 

There are some things more important than sex, it ain't chocolate for me, it's having beautiful hair.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> But the hair Sammy, the hair. Tis my pride and joy and I like it to look great.
> 
> There are some things more important than sex, it ain't chocolate for me, it's having beautiful hair.


Sex hair IS beautiful hair


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Tried that. Doesn't work. At best gets a "well see, if we're not too tired". 



JayDee7 said:


> Next time you're in a hotel when checking in whisper in her ear "start thinking of ways we can get have sex here..."
> Taking her out for dinner? Tell her start thinking of ways we can do it tonight.
> Put the thought in her mind, let it marinate. When it's time she will be ready. Hopefully.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> What are people's thoughts on what I think of as "passion". Enthusiastic, unpredictable romance and sex.
> 
> On thinking about the sexual gap between my wife and myself, I find that passion may be one of the largest differences.
> 
> ...


As you very well know, my wife has similar tendencies to yours, but not quite to the degree.

Here's the thing about guys (people, really) like you and I - we have to wrap our heads around the fact that it just ain't going to happen, ever. Our wives do not 'think' about sex, let alone think about it the way we do. That will never change, ever. It's just not the way they're built. Your wife and mine - they aren't a case of repressed sexual behaviour, which leads to some magical awakening at some point in there lives. Yet we keep hoping they are, I think.

In the several years in which I was posting here about pretty much the same subject, a couple of posters kept bringing up the word "autistic", which I by-and-large ignored. My wife is almost assuredly not autistic. Certainly not in any way that I can see.

However, when I started really thinking about it, her sexuality, her approach to sex, her thoughts and reactions to sex - almost lines up perfectly with autism. But only in that one aspect of her life. If there's such a thing as "sexual autism", I would (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) say she has it.

In any case, there's a block there, for your wife and for mine, when it comes to sex. This means there IS no spontaneity - it's just not possible. Like, literally not possible. My wife will be "spontaneous" if I lead. And even then, it's me simply jump-starting her, but from a practical POV, not an actual desire. It's not me turning her on, getting her in the mood, getting her hot and horny for sex. It's me putting the thought in her head. "Let's go have sex". "Okay". Spontaneous? Well, yes. Sort of. But, 'jump me on the couch' spontaneous? No, never.

You know, I've asked her, and she's been surprisingly open to talk about sex, but not her sexuality, if that makes sense. When I approach it from a practical angle, she'll discuss, but the general answers are "I don't know" - which I believe. She doesn't actually _know_. Which is why I've coined (I think) the phrase "sexual autism".

So I've asked her numerous times, in numerous different ways, why she won't, for example, just reach over and touch me at an opportune moment. I don't ask in a "whyyyy won't you dooo that?" kind of way. Like a literal, 'I'm trying to understand your mindset' way. And the short answer is she doesn't know. Again, literally. No actual answer. It's not that she doesn't want to. It's not even that she wouldn't. It's just that she... doesn't. And she has no idea why, or why not. Honestly. Sexual autism.

Interesting story - I told her once, maybe a year ago, that I would not respond to "let's go upstairs" or "let's go have sex". So of course, a week or so later, she does exactly this. I stood my ground, she got a little pissy, and that was that. Life went on. The next time she did it, I did the same thing. THIS time, she sat down on the couch and actually started to feel me up. Progress! But, it was SO awkward, like she didn't know what she was doing or something. And I was very conflicted. If we're in bed, and things are going the way they usually do - there's no awkwardness from her AT ALL. Most of you know, if you've read my posts, that my wife knows how to have sex, and GREAT sex, at that.

Touching me sexually, in bed = perfectly normal. Somewhere else = awkwardness and it's out of her comfort zone.

She doesn't know why, I can't fathom why. It just is. Thus, spontaneity does not, and probably can not, exist.

I would say the same for your wife, U. Our wives may be perfectly 'normal' in every other way, but there's some sort of weird block, OCD, autism, awkwardness, etc. associated with this one aspect, and there may be absolutely no tangible reason for it. Your wife is not a highly sexual person ever, from the sounds of it. Even during sex, more often than not, this behaviour seems to manifest, if even slightly. Sure, she can enjoy it when she sets her mind to it, but her 'block' seems deeper than my wife's. My wife WILL enjoy sex, every single time, and is engaged, active, open to pretty much anything and everything, and there are really no limits whatsoever. Once she gets started. Up to that point, our wives are ridiculously similar in their outlooks and thought patterns in regards to the subject.

We each want spontaneity (most people do), but you and I are simply never going to get it, at least in the way we want it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> Fair question but for us household tasks are pretty even. We have quite a bit of free time (no kids, maid service), so household chores are not all that time consuming.
> 
> She claims to and appears to enjoy sex but wants it fairly infrequently (every couple of weeks to 1/month would be her preference).


You should know better than to get hung up on frequency, U!

We have sex 3-5 times a month, which is far below what I'd like it to be. But. Each and every time is worthwhile and usually great. Perhaps part of that is the infrequency, but in all honesty, my wife knows how to have great sex, and we're very physically compatible.

Whereas, my ex wife and I were having sex 3-5 times a week, but it was passionless, rarely even 'good', and we were not physically compatible.

The irony is that I was okay with the bad sex, because it was frequent, and often spontaneous. Now I'm okay with the infrequent sex because it's good, but lacking the spontaneity.

Ideally, obviously, one would want both. But if you read most people's posts here, or just observe people in real life, it's actually much rarer than we think.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

@alexm post about "sexual autism" is interesting. A particular close parallel is my wife using the same phrase "lets get to bed". 



It would be interesting to hear from women who don't enjoy / want any sort of romance / passion, but do want sex.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> I like passion and spontaneity but did have to explain to MrH in small words why spontaneity 10 minutes before we have guests arriving is not going to work for me.



Perhaps he can’t contain his excitement to see the guests? 

I’m also bad with those kinds of deadlines..Maybe 11 minutes of uninterrupted, ‘pure passion’ for me and only if I know that nobody else is ‘coming’ 



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

uhtred said:


> @alexm post about "sexual autism" is interesting. A particular close parallel is my wife using the same phrase "lets get to bed".
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Sorry, not a fan of these quasi-medical terms to pigeon hole something in order to find something more acceptable. They sound mostly non-sensical to me.
If a person is able to relate generally and wasn’t diagnosed with autism by doctors, then sexual autism cannot be a thing or shouldn’t be an excuse not to try and relate to your partner’s needs once in a while.
By that definition, I can be autistic when it come to remembering to unload the dishwasher.
I can see the appeal of it: ‘my wife feels nothing towards me and the fire is out. She has been diagnosed with sexual autism and is getting a second opinion by our neighbour friend who is diagnosing her right now. All night long’.
It’s not a thing.

Ps: yes, I appreciate the comment about sexual autism was tongue in cheek as was mine.

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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Tried that. Doesn't work. At best gets a "well see, if we're not too tired".


That kind of response always gets me so hot and passionate 

An alternative view: I think exhibiting signs of passion can be a process that _can_ be practiced and mastered and become pretty much indistinguishable from somebody who exhibits passion naturally.
It’s a behavioural thing, a bit like pretending to be really excited about your partner’s boring story about something you don’t have much interest in. At some point you stop pretending and become pretty much 100% engrossed in the story.
Humans are very adaptable and capable species in that department. We just sometimes lack the right incentives to do things we think we don’t _really_ have to do.
If you are familiar with the processes that facilitates this adaptive behaviour, you will of course always be wondering just how real it is. But I wonder this about any aspect of reality already so what difference does it make.


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