# Issues with my parents turned to violence



## california123 (Aug 10, 2009)

So, my parents weren't exactly happy that I was getting married at 20 years old. And they weren't particularly fond of my now husband either (he doesn't really have a lot in common with them...which is perfect because I don't either.) We have now been married almost 2 1/2 years.

My husband and I have had our issues. Our first year of marriage was really terrible for reasons outside our control. We ended up doing and saying things we didn't mean, etc. And I made the mistake of seeking comfort from my family during the really hard times.

Now, my husband and I are doing great. We still have our issues, like any couple, but we both love each other immensely and we're happy together.

The problem is that my parents aren't over it. The tension always ran high when my husband and I hung out with my family. My mom would start arguments with him about stupid things, blame him for me not spending more time with them (they have been pushing me away themselves), saying that he's manipulating me (when that's actually what she's doing), and more. I've confronted them about it, but nothing stopped this.

They came over to celebrate my bday last December (2009) and I got into an argument with them (they lied to me about something). We ended up yelling at each other. My husband came out of the bedroom, told them that they needed to stop yelling at me or he would ask them to leave. My dad then pointed at him and said "F*** you". My husband then said, "Ok, get the hell out of my house." And then my dad attacked him. My dad attacked him three separate times before they left and I was injured in the process.

The next day, we thought that they would apologize and things would blow over, but no. I received an email from my ex boyfriend, who I haven't spoken to in almost 3 years, harassing about my "messed up" husband. This is an ex boyfriend that treated me like crap, but my family decided to stay friends with despite my very serious objections. And one of them obviously went and complained to him the night before about MY personal life.

I was livid.

I texted my family and told them that this needed to stop or I would press charges. My mom responded with a voice mail blaming everything that happened the night before on my husband. Yes, she blamed my husband.

It is now Sept. 2010 and we haven't spoken to them. I have talked to family friends and such, but not to them. My injury ended up being very serious and I have over $7,000 in medical bills from it and it's not even completely healed. My family has emailed me short messages a couple times, saying they love me, etc., but they never apologized or took responsibility for what happened.

Basically, I have no reason to believe that something like this wouldn't happen again or that their strain on my marriage will ever stop. I've confronted them several times about the things they do and say to me and my husband that bother me, and never once have they taken responsibility for it. This time is no different.

My reason for this post is that I'm not sure what to do or if what I'm doing is right. Some days, like today, I think about it a lot. I used to be really close with my family and it sickens me that they have put such a strain on my marriage and that they were able to go home that night and forget it ever happened, while I'm still stuck with this injury that I never even received an apology for.

I have just decided to put my marriage first and cut off communication with my family until I can be sure that they won't hurt me (physically or emotionally) or my marriage anymore. Am I making the right decision?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think you are making the right decision. Your father was so filled with rage and determined to hurt your husband that he couldn't control himself even when he was hurting you. Not someone I'd want to be around. It doesn't sound to me like your husband did anything out of line; he was looking out for you. 

It sucks that your parents would act this way, but I think you're doing the right thing.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, you are doing the right thing. It sounds like you have a good marriage and a good man. I actually held my breath while reading your post, I thought for sure it was going to go something like: "They called the police on HIM, said that he hit them first, and then the fact that I had a convenient injury from the scrum was a golden opportunity for them to lie and say that my husband hit me and that dear old dad was simply defending his poor, helpless abused daughter who can't see what a scumbag her hubby really is, now my H is in jail on domestic abuse charges...".
Sorry I went off on a tangent, I can't help it when it comes to possible scenarios.

But one thing does disturb me, and you must consider it. They had your EX get involved?!? It sounds like they realized that they missed that "golden opportunity" I mentioned earlier, and decided to bring in a new weapon: an ex who they are hoping will not leave you alone. Then he can either get in the way and cause more trouble, or, they can go to your husband in "good faith" and tell him about his wife who is seeing her ex behind his back!
Then they can sit back, watch everythig fall apart, and when the dust settles, you'll be broken, no place to go, and they will take you back in- all while saying "See, dear? Mommy and Daddy always know best."


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## california123 (Aug 10, 2009)

F-102 said:


> Yes, you are doing the right thing. It sounds like you have a good marriage and a good man. I actually held my breath while reading your post, I thought for sure it was going to go something like: "They called the police on HIM, said that he hit them first, and then the fact that I had a convenient injury from the scrum was a golden opportunity for them to lie and say that my husband hit me and that dear old dad was simply defending his poor, helpless abused daughter who can't see what a scumbag her hubby really is, now my H is in jail on domestic abuse charges...".
> Sorry I went off on a tangent, I can't help it when it comes to possible scenarios.
> 
> But one thing does disturb me, and you must consider it. They had your EX get involved?!? It sounds like they realized that they missed that "golden opportunity" I mentioned earlier, and decided to bring in a new weapon: an ex who they are hoping will not leave you alone. Then he can either get in the way and cause more trouble, or, they can go to your husband in "good faith" and tell him about his wife who is seeing her ex behind his back!
> Then they can sit back, watch everythig fall apart, and when the dust settles, you'll be broken, no place to go, and they will take you back in- all while saying "See, dear? Mommy and Daddy always know best."


Wow, I did _not_ think about that. Thankfully, I don't think my parents are smart enough to pull something like that off. After this incident, I was just thinking "they know not what they do" like they really just aren't thinking things through or realizing the consequences of their actions or that they're even the ones responsible.

I guess I never really thought that they may actually be thinking things through and have an outcome in mind with all of their "actions". I think my husband was thinking that way, but I was trying to give my parents the benefit of the doubt. Now I think it's something I should definitely keep in mind.

Thank you both for your replies. I think I'm definitely on my way to feeling better about this whole thing.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

california123 said:


> I have just decided to put my marriage first and cut off communication with my family until I can be sure that they won't hurt me (physically or emotionally) or my marriage anymore. Am I making the right decision?


Absolutely.

Your husband sounds like a good man, and your parents are beyond out of their bounds.

To cut them off, and cut them off absolutely for your protection and emotional stability is exactly right.

Children to their parents owe them nothing but what they earn in their own behavior and respect. 

Right now they are reaping what they have sown.

Even in my own family and even on my wifes side, there are family members that are cut off to some extent, and some completely, due to their own selfishness and lack of control. 

To put your own marriage first, and your own self first, do not doubt this for even a second!

I wish you well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do what you need to do - but my gut says there isn't nearly enough information here to say that you are right and they are wrong. 

The circumstances are too weird and too vague.

It is apparent that they have serious issues with your husband. Issues I suspect, that you made them privy to when you were looking to them for support.

Doesn't excuse their behavior, but that behavior was borne out of something far more powerful than simply 'not liking' your husband.

Hope in time you are able to all work it out. At 23, writing your family off means a long, long, time.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Definitely cut them out for the time being. It is never acceptable to verbally or physically abuse your daughter and son in law, regardless of whether or not you approve of their decisions. It's clear that your parents have zero respect for either of you. Cutting them off will teach them that you won't accept abusive behavior toward you and your husband. If they can't learn to behave with civility, then it's better not to have them in your life. 

Just my two cents, but I've been there. It was painful to cut them out of my life, but we have a better relationship now. They learned that I won't put up with certain behavior.


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