# he had a vasectomy before I was ready



## jackieloop17 (Dec 16, 2014)

I didn't know where to go to get this all out, I just know that I needed to, so for whoever reads this, thanks for listening at least. 
My husband got a vasectomy two weeks ago. We have three kids, all outside of our relationship. We don't have any children together. When we met, neither of us wanted another child, but after we fell in love, and started building a family together, my feelings changed. His didn't. He went so far as threatening a break-up should I press the issue. 
The thing is, I don't know if I want another child, I just wasn't ready to give up the possibility of one. We both have busy lives, and I honestly don't see them slowing down enough to make time for a pregnancy and newborn. I never said I needed to have another child, just that I wasn't ready to give up the option. I asked him to wait. He didn't. 
I thought I would be ok after the procedure- that now that pregnancy wasn't an option anyway, I would hop off the fence on his side and all would be well. It's not. I feel very betrayed. He talks all the time about us being partners, but this was his decision despite my reservations and upset- he wanted to do it so he did. It feels selfish and unfeeling. 
I talked to him about it last night- things have been strained and I finally broke down and told him why- and NOW he agrees that maybe he should have waited, but it's too late, and that's an easy thing to say after it's too late, because there IS no going back, so he's safe, no matter what he says after the fact. 
It's not so much that I want a baby, because I'm still really not sure on that one, it's his disregard for me as his partner and his spouse- that he took that option away from me knowing I wanted to wait, knowing that it would hurt me. 
It's getting very hard for me to want to be in this relationship. I feel extremely secondary, I'm upset with him all the time, about tiny things that shouldn't matter....I think it would be over by now if it weren't for the kids. 
I want to work it out, I really do. I just don't know how.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

jackieloop17 said:


> I didn't know where to go to get this all out, I just know that I needed to, so for whoever reads this, thanks for listening at least.
> My husband got a vasectomy two weeks ago. We have three kids, all outside of our relationship. We don't have any children together. When we met, neither of us wanted another child, but after we fell in love, and started building a family together, my feelings changed. His didn't. He went so far as threatening a break-up should I press the issue.
> The thing is, I don't know if I want another child, I just wasn't ready to give up the possibility of one. We both have busy lives, and I honestly don't see them slowing down enough to make time for a pregnancy and newborn. I never said I needed to have another child, just that I wasn't ready to give up the option. I asked him to wait. He didn't.
> I thought I would be ok after the procedure- that now that pregnancy wasn't an option anyway, I would hop off the fence on his side and all would be well. It's not. I feel very betrayed. He talks all the time about us being partners, but this was his decision despite my reservations and upset- he wanted to do it so he did. It feels selfish and unfeeling.
> ...


My thoughts are that it takes 2 yes's to decide to have another child, so if one says no, then the no "wins". He strongly does not want more children and has not changed his mind. He is making sure an "oops" doesn't happen. If for some reason you both want another child, you can reverse a vasectomy. I think if you both had agreed to another child and he did this, that would be a whole different story, but you both said your family was complete(ok with no more kids).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
his body, his choice.

I would say exactly the same for a woman who wanted her tubes cut, have an abortion, or who want to have her body modified in any other way. 

The OP can then decide whether or not she wants to stay in a relationship if she can't have children with him. Her choice.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Three kids is a large expense and investment of time already.

Adding a 4th kid will not ease the current burden (wrong word, but...).

so economically it doesn't make sense to keep having kids.

Timewise? You are already super busy.

Although this is an area you two should have agreed on prior to marrying, ultimately, the one who doesn't want more kids gets to choose.

Why do you want more children?

Do you think having one with him is something you had to have?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Interesting how the guys jumped on this one even though this is the Ladies Lounge. 

Given that your husband felt strongly about not having more children, you were hoping that you would have more time to wear him down or wear him out and finally relent and give in to your desire to have more? In other words you didn't respect his feelings?

Before vasectomies, women had to face this later in life when they stopped being able to conceive. Now they might face it earlier when the hubby gets snipped. The possibility of having more children is gone, even if you never want to actually have them. It's a mourning process for a phase of your life that is gone. 

Give your hubby a break. It wouldn't have been right or fair to have more kids with him. You reached this point sooner than you thought you would, and now your blaming him. But you would have reached this point eventually and with the same number of kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jackieloop17 said:


> I didn't know where to go to get this all out, I just know that I needed to, so for whoever reads this, thanks for listening at least.
> My husband got a vasectomy two weeks ago. We have three kids, all outside of our relationship. We don't have any children together. When we met, neither of us wanted another child, but after we fell in love, and started building a family together, my feelings changed. His didn't. He went so far as threatening a break-up should I press the issue.
> The thing is, I don't know if I want another child, I just wasn't ready to give up the possibility of one. We both have busy lives, and I honestly don't see them slowing down enough to make time for a pregnancy and newborn. I never said I needed to have another child, just that I wasn't ready to give up the option. I asked him to wait. He didn't.
> I thought I would be ok after the procedure- that now that pregnancy wasn't an option anyway, I would hop off the fence on his side and all would be well. It's not. I feel very betrayed. He talks all the time about us being partners, but this was his decision despite my reservations and upset- he wanted to do it so he did. It feels selfish and unfeeling.
> ...


Not that it addresses the betrayal that you're feeling, but aren't vasectomies reversible these days?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Sorry, but you both agreed in the beginning on no more children. It's his body, so he gets to choose what to do with it. Since you didn't agree to more children, he went ahead with a vasectomy. 

I don't think it's right when only one person wants a child in a relationship and they start "wearing down" the other partner. They try to "talk them into" having another baby. Sometimes, guilt lines are thrown in there. 

If one says no. The answer is no. A baby should be wanted by BOTH parents, not just one.

You, of course, always have the option of leaving the relationship and finding someone else who does want more kids.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Interesting how the guys jumped on this one even though this is the Ladies Lounge.


I think I just got called a man...



staarz21 said:


> Sorry, but you both agreed in the beginning on no more children. It's his body, so he gets to choose what to do with it. Since you didn't agree to more children, he went ahead with a vasectomy.
> 
> I don't think it's right when only one person wants a child in a relationship and they start "wearing down" the other partner. They try to "talk them into" having another baby. Sometimes, guilt lines are thrown in there.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> I think I just got called a man...
> 
> :iagree:


Your profile doesn't list gender so I'm not incorrect.  And the other responses were all from men.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Jlo17,

What are the other issues you have with your husband?

You're upset with him over "tiny little things that don't matter". 

Do you think he senses this?

Do you think this may have played a part in his decision?

Eta: I have some background here. My XW had the tubes tied after our third child without my approval. Later, after our divorce, I heard she was blaming me for not being able to give her BF a child because I refused to get a V. Complete nonsense. They broke up a couple of months later.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

jackieloop17 said:


> *When we met, neither of us wanted another child*


Would you still feel as betrayed if he had gotten snipped before you married, when neither of you wanted more children? His feelings about having more children haven't changed, so I have to play echo to everyone else here.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your feelings are your feelings. There cannot be anything wrong wanting to have the option of another child. Is it his body? Sure. But any woman who got sterilized without her husband willing consent would also likely face problems.

You say that you would not stay in the relationship if it weren't for the children you both have with other people. How many are his? Yours?

How old are you?

Book MC. Tell your husband the date. Just do it.

Vasectomy reversal costs some money but since it is recent, the chances of success are good.

If he does get the tubes reconnected, it seems that you will have a child. So, the unhappiness is really dependent on having a child with him, not simply reversing his decision.

This is going to eat at you. Best to take the bull by the horns and address the issue. Rug sweeping will not work.

Are you having sex?

If you want to get your husband on board, it may be a bad idea to kill your sex life. Again, though, your feelings are important. But if you sex life is only for procreation, your marriage cannot last.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This seems to be an unfortunately common occurrence these days. I know a couple right now who have three young children together. Husband didn't want any more, wife agreed but was never really sure about the decision and told him, but he pushed the decision and went and got a vasectomy. Then she decided she wanted more children, asked him to have it reversed, he refused, they are now separated and apparently will not be reconciling.

From an outsiders POV, how do you see this? Three young children will now be raised in a broken home. The mother may or may not have more children. As far as I know there's no man on the horizon wanting to put his hand up for the job.

Your situation is different, your children will deal with going back to a single parent families, and they are probably older. You may or may not find someone who will want to have children with you if you decide to break up. So I guess your decision will just come down to whether you want to make the effort to move on from this or not. I think it would take considerable effort on your part to do so. You will need to stop the way you are thinking and retrain your thoughts. When you start thinking about it, instead of letting yourself get worked up about it, think instead, "I was upset, but I have chosen to continue this relationship, I love him, I want to be here, etc etc"

It'll have to be a choice you make. Don't wait for your feelings to suddenly change, they will only spiral and get worse until you make a decision, then the decision will no longer be one you can make but will be forced upon you both.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

If I was married with three healthy children and my wife divorced me because we couldn't have more I would know that she never really loved me. What she loved was my paycheck or my genes. 

Sorry, OP, but one sure way to ruin your marriage is to become so child focused that your husband becomes low man on the totem pole so to speak. The order of importance in the family becomes: kids, mom, pets, dad. 

There are countless stories here on TAM of men who are great husbands, providers and fathers and whose wives treat them like crap. These guys eventually figure out that they are married to women who married them for the sole purpose of having kids and a comfortable life. 

Could it be that your husband felt that he was already at his limit for providing, fathering, and being a husband and realized that another child would be too much? 

Or maybe he feels that he's already at the bottom of the totem pole and doesn't like it?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am reading a book about Men being on Strike, one of the things spoken about is how some Doctors today will NOT perform a Vasectomy on a man these days without his wife's permission.... because the Doctor fears a Lawsuit...

Even though it's fully his right to do what he did... just as a woman can go & get her tubes tied or get an abortion without anyone's permission...

But ....just because something is a RIGHT doesn't mean it won't have an emotional fall out with the other partner.. I can still understand how this could hurt you.. I sympathize with JUST HER's post as well....



> *jackieloop17 said:** When we met, neither of us wanted another child, but after we fell in love, and started building a family together, my feelings changed. His didn't. He went so far as threatening a break-up should I press the issue.*


The thing here is... for your husband, this was a "*deal breaker*" from the very start... you had an agreement....it's very unfortunate that you had a change of heart.. 

Every one of us has deal breakers when we go into a relationship.. I told my H when dating I wanted at least 3 kids (I was an only child & I hated it)...I also said if one of those was NOT a girl, I wanted to keep going.. he agreed ...even going as far as telling me I could have as many as I wanted if I took care of them (now that was daring!)... he never waned on this.. he held true... 

But many men would never have agreed to that ...just as we have our personal deal breakers as women & how we foresee our futures & families.. *Any departure from the "agreed vision" is going to cause a very big RIFT in a marriage..* 

Not that any of this helps matter...it's just that I wanted to point out your husband didn't lie to you, or set out to hurt you in any way....

Even though I said all of this.. I still sympathize with you.. I can understand when you find a new love, and marry again, why a woman would crave to have a baby with her new husband... It's just a sad situation...and I hope you can work it out..


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

There's also the possibility of a *Vasectomy Reversal* IF BOTH of you agree to it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he doesn't want anymore children (you said you already have 3), then why would you want to force him to have another child?

Re: the vasectomy, could he reverse if it he wanted to?

Still, I keep going back to the - why would you want to have more children with someone who clearly does not want them? Seems crazy to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> If I was married with three healthy children and my wife divorced me because we couldn't have more I would know that she never really loved me. What she loved was my paycheck or my genes.


:iagree:

Baby collectors! 

Kidding.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> ... What she loved was my paycheck or my genes. ...


I like women who want to get into my genes.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JustHer said:


> Hi jackiloop17, first off, this is a very liberal site and most people here aren't going to understand or sympathize with a situation like this. Sorry you had to read some of the responses they gave.


I'm sorry, but you don't get to apologize for our opinions. That is not within your authority.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JustHer said:


> Hi jackiloop17, first off, this is a very liberal site and most people here aren't going to understand or sympathize with a situation like this. Sorry you had to read some of the responses they gave.


I think you have totally missed the mark in all respects with this comment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The OP has not been back in 3 days... she has one post on TAM. 

But people are still replying to her? :scratchhead:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The OP has not been back in 3 days... she has one post on TAM.
> 
> But people are still replying to her? :scratchhead:


It's that time of year. Could be shopping.


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