# To say that to his own daughter...



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

My husband and I were over my parents house yesterday. I do not have a close relationship with my father or mother but I am closer to my mother then my father. I try to work on my relationship with them little by little. Yesterday I said something to my father I never would have said before. 

I was talking to him about my mother's mom and how it was hard for me dealing with her passing. She passed away in October. It's still hard to talk about her without crying. Now my fathers mother is getting more sick. Since my mother's mom has passed my fathers mom has been in the hospital. She stayed for over 2 weeks. She looks really sick. She can not walk by herself anymore, she's been losing a lot of weight lately, her legs look like balloons. 

So my father said to me to prepare myself for his mother to pass and I was explaining how that was hard for me to do after my mother's mom just passed. It feels like it would be one right after another. And usually this is too much for me to deal with. I am very close to both of them. And now that she's gone it's like I can't stop crying myself to sleep some nights. During the day I still feel like I can call her or drive down to her house and I can just talk to her and than I realize that I can't and it breaks my heart all over again. 

My father's response to what I said was "why? It shouldn't make it harder you knew she was going to pass." 

I understand my mothers mom was told over 15 years ago that she only had months to live but it was still hard for me to deal with her passing. I just can't believe he said that to me.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Your father comes across as a very practical and gruff man. He doesn't understand that grief can take many forms. Some people are just insensitive.

If your father has always been this way, you should not be surprised. I can certainly understand your hurt. However, sometimes we have to manage our expectations with people who are emotionally stunted and hard to be around.

I have lost more than ten people in my life, including a suicide, a murder and an AIDS related death. Most times, being able to prepare and say goodbye is helpful. The tears still flow but the grief is somewhat bittersweet because the loved one is no longer suffering. Sudden and violent deaths have been much more difficult for me to process. 

My MIL is a very no nonsense, stiff upper lip woman. She is kind, but she also has a very sharp tongue and make nasty comments. I don't expect lovey dovey cuddly behavior from her because this is a woman who rarely hugged her sons. When she makes rude comments, I tell myself that she just doesn't know how to behave.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I guess it all depends on how one views death and grieving. Based on my background, I would have thought nothing about your father's comment. Here in my family we grieve someone's passing, but we also celebrate their life. We don't do all the expensive, drawn out, sad funerals. 

I know it's hard to fill the void when loved ones pass away, but remember the happy days.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I guess it all depends on how one views death and grieving. Based on my background, I would have thought nothing about your father's comment. Here in my family we grieve someone's passing, but we also celebrate their life. We don't do all the expensive, drawn out, sad funerals.
> 
> I know it's hard to fill the void when loved ones pass away, but remember the happy days.


Some people are just gruff and factual about death. They probably grieve inside, but know that death is a fact that we will not escape.
My family celebrates life at funerals, too. Some people think that we're weird, but it's what works for us.
When our daughter passed away a couple of years ago, we had a party the would rival any Super Bowl or New Year's Eve get together. We can laugh, cry, sing and grieve all at the same time.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

DanF said:


> Some people are just gruff and factual about death. They probably grieve inside, but know that death is a fact that we will not escape.
> My family celebrates life at funerals, too. Some people think that we're weird, but it's what works for us.
> When our daughter passed away a couple of years ago, we had a party the would rival any Super Bowl or New Year's Eve get together. We can laugh, cry, sing and grieve all at the same time.


My terminally ill brother has even been dictating his own farewell. He has strict instructions to host our best family barbecue ever and NO CRYING. People see us as weird too--especially here in the great Bible Belt. We just see death as a normal part of life and know that our loved ones have gone on to greener pastures.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

827Aug said:


> My terminally ill brother has even been dictating his own farewell. He has strict instructions to host our best family barbecue ever and NO CRYING. People see us as weird too--especially here in the great Bible Belt. We just see death as a normal part of life and know that our loved ones have gone on to greener pastures.


You're going to cry and that's okay.
Just make sure that you remember the good times and the fun times and laugh as well.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

The culture that I was raised in has very specific rituals around death. On the night before a funeral, there is a party at the bereaved family's home. We stay up all night with the relatives who have lost someone, listen to gospel calypso and eat glorious food. It is called "Set up."

Loud crying and wailing is encouraged as it is a way to ease the grief. Some even try to throw themselves into the grave.

After the funeral, we have a party much like a wedding reception.

My husband was taken aback by all of the rituals because in his culture, crying at a funeral is frowned upon as it viewed as "undignified." Same goes for excessive kissing at a wedding. Oh, the joys of joining an old Scottish clan!


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Yes he is always this insensitive. He meant that I should be fine and it shouldn't bother me so much. He had a very blase attitude about it. It's hard for me coming to terms with it being ok that she is gone even though it's not and I will never be ok with it. I was just a little ticked at his insensitivity. I would have expected a father to give his daughter a hug not say some hurtful **** like that.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I'm not sure why you would expect different behavior from you dad if he has always been insensitive. While I agree that fathers should be more understanding about death, you must understand that your father will never change. Manage your expectations. Do not expect sympathy from your dad when has never given it before. 

When we manage our expectations, the actions of angry and insensitive people hurt less. I am NOT saying your father is right. I am saying that in order to experience less disappointment around his behavior, you cannot expect more than what he is capable of giving.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> I'm not sure why you would expect different behavior from you dad if he has always been insensitive. While I agree that fathers should be more understanding about death, you must understand that your father will never change. Manage your expectations. Do not expect sympathy from your dad when has never given it before.
> 
> When we manage our expectations, the actions of angry and insensitive people hurt less. I am NOT saying your father is right. I am saying that in order to experience less disappointment around his behavior, you cannot expect more than what he is capable of giving.


I see truth in your words and agree I should lower my expectations of my father. Thank you.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I see truth in your words and agree I should lower my expectations of my father. Thank you.


this in its self is a very sad thing. 
fathers should always support their children.


----------

