# I am suddenly very concerned.



## Uneasywife (Feb 9, 2013)

I posted yesterday about my husbands strange behavior regarding our finances. I am suddenly gravely concerned.

We have a joint account and he has an account under his name, I am the beneficiary. I can see both accounts, they are under the same company.

I have been married to him for 4 years (with him 8yrs). I stopped working 2 yrs ago. Simply put, I can work but not reenter my field, my earning potential is never going to be the same.

This is what he is saying...
-we live on our joint account until it is gone then switch to his money. He will not put my name on his account for 15yrs.
-His money is HIS and how he chooses to use it is up to him.
-He will take care of us financially so I have nothing to worry about. 
-If I go back to work I don't "trust" him, and I am not doing my part for our marriage. 
-He has decided to take a break from working for an undetermined period of time. 

We can last maybe 2 yrs on our joint account. I refinanced and put him on my house. He is rich, he has enough money that neither of us would have to work again.

He is very angry and flipping out saying I have no right to ask about his money, we are fine, he will give us a good life, etc.

What he is now denying is our agreement that a certain percentage of his money was suppose to transfer to our joint each year, it had not so far because of a complicated tax issue. It was a fair deal I believed. In writing but not a legal doc. The tax issue is over so that's what started this.

He lied to me. I am stunned right now. I would never have left my job knowing this, he says I knew all along. 

I think I am in real trouble, I feel like a hostage suddenly. Married short time....he put some money into my house.

If I take my half of the joint account...pay him what he put into our house....I can last about 6 months.

I don't have any legal rights do I? I'm in oregon. 

I know I need a lawyer but I am horrified right now and could use some advice until I can get to one. I feel so very very stupid right now I have had a funny feeling lately, little things and now none of this feels real. I had a melt down and started bawling, he snarled at me saying I'm all about money and it makes him sick.  That has never been true, never. 

I am so upset right now I don't know what to do and I feel very alone all of a sudden.

Thank you for listening.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A good husband would make you feel cherished and cared for not like a hostage.

FWIW this is why I'd never marry a man with money. I'm a CPA and I've seen this type behavior too many times to know it's more common than not. Have an acquaintance now married to a well off guy and he forces her to account for every $1 she spends. These men are so paranoid of having their money taken from them that they become controlling and rediculous.

My sincere advice to you is this. STOP TALKING. He's already told you the "truth" and that isn't going to change regardless of what you say. He planned this out well before he married you. If you challenge it you will only enrage him more and I fear what he will do to you as punishment. Not physical but financial. Best to pretend to let this go, pretend you completely understand his point of view, apologize to him for not trusting him and then secretly make plans to protect yourself. You need him on your side while you come up with a strategy. If you make him your enemy it makes this much much harder.

Whatever you do don't take this lightly. This is a HUGE problem as you know. 

Hugs.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why can't you re-enter your field?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Uneasywife said:


> I had a melt down and started bawling, he snarled at me saying I'm *all about money* and it makes him sick.  That has never been true, never.


He's projecting- putting his issue onto you. He's "all about money". You are a threat to his money.

I have a friend whose husband has been extremely controlling about money their entire 40 year marriage (to the point where she had only 1$ in her wallet). He has provided for her, she has a nice car, they live in a nice home, they go on nice vacations. But I know she doesn't feel loved, respected, and trusted. Nowadays she has some pocket money as she is old enough to collect SS.

Her husband is a hard worker, no addictions, married her as a divorcee with 4 children (then they had 2 more), treated all the children kindly- not abusive, soft spoken...

All that to say, it *can* work. But if you don't have any children together, not sure I would want to navigate that lifestyle.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I would tell him that since he doesn't trust ME and thinks I'm only about money, that I want to provide my own finances instead of relying on him so that he'd understand I'm not interested in taking his money. If he says I don't trust him, I'd tell him that he became untrustworthy when he decided that I couldn't have any funds under my own control AND wanted me not to work. 

Even though I think Mavash and Blonde are both correct about what they've said, I personally would not sacrifice my well-being to someone else's care to such a huge degree if they were showing signs that they wouldn't take good care of it. 

My marriage's well-being and our individual well-beings would have to be more important than the money.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Uneasywife said:


> I stopped working 2 yrs ago. Simply put, I can work but not reenter my field, my earning potential is never going to be the same.


So right now you're contributing nothing to this marriage.



> -we live on our joint account until it is gone then switch to his money. He will not put my name on his account for 15yrs.


This makes sense. There's no reason to have a joint account if you're not contributing to it. Him being the only source of money means it's his money. The existing joint account would be shared money because you both contributed to it.



> -His money is HIS and how he chooses to use it is up to him.


Sounds reasonable.



> -He will take care of us financially so I have nothing to worry about.


That's good.



> -If I go back to work I don't "trust" him, and I am not doing my part for our marriage.


I hope I'm reading this incorrectly. According to him, in his exact words, you having a job means you don't trust him? He's right that it shows you don't trust him, but you _shouldn't_ trust him. The one life lesson that keeps being true is that you should never completely trust people. Things like "don't worry, I won't scam you" quickly turn into "I'm sorry that I scammed you."
You should have a job so you can maintain your indepdendence. If you want to leave the marriage for any reason, having a career and cash gives you a significant amount of power. 



> -He has decided to take a break from working for an undetermined period of time.


He's on drugs. I'm calling it right now.



> We can last maybe 2 yrs on our joint account. I refinanced and put him on my house. He is rich, he has enough money that neither of us would have to work again.


It doesn't matter how much money he has. That's HIS money. Not having any access to that money means you are still powerless.



> He is very angry and flipping out saying I have no right to ask about his money, we are fine, he will give us a good life, etc.


Psychopath. This is exactly why you need a job and your own account that he has absolutely no access to. If he gets angry over _questions_ about money, what happens over real things like getting a speeding ticket? Will he try to punish you by controlling the money supply? Some people are nuts like that. My gf's dad would pull **** like that. 



> What he is now denying is our agreement that a certain percentage of his money was suppose to transfer to our joint each year, it had not so far because of a complicated tax issue. It was a fair deal I believed. In writing but not a legal doc. The tax issue is over so that's what started this.


It sounds like he's lying since I can't think of any tax issue that would prevent money from being transfered between two accounts owned by the same person. Can you give more details and somehow prove he's not completely full of ****?



> If I take my half of the joint account...pay him what he put into our house....I can last about 6 months.


How about take half of the joint account and NOT pay what he put into the house? He lives in your house doesn't he? He's still benefiting from the work and money he put into it. Divorce court is where you can fight over who should get that money. Without getting divorced, it's a non-issue. Him asking for a refund _when you are still married and living in that house_ would be sketchy as hell.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

uggg

So you refinanced YOUR home & put his name on it? If you are in a community property state, you have co-mingled your separate property & it is now community property. He owns 1/2 of the home.

How come he doesn't want you to work?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Emerald said:


> How come he doesn't want you to work?


First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get to abuse your wife :smthumbup:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Emerald said:


> How come he doesn't want you to work?


What Shawn said. Hard to control a woman who can take care of herself.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get to abuse your wife :smthumbup:


Yep.

In HER own home that is now 1/2 of his.......sigh........


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## Uneasywife (Feb 9, 2013)

> These men are so paranoid of having their money taken from them that they become controlling and rediculous.
> 
> My sincere advice to you is this. STOP TALKING. He's already told you the "truth" and that isn't going to change regardless of what you say. He planned this out well before he married you.


Already done. I apologized etc. his behavior is irrational and he does sound paranoid. 

None of his reasons for anything right now make real sense, it all feels like BS to me. He didn't say anything specific, I feel he is warning me that there will be a punishment if I go back to work.

I calmed him a bit but he still stormed out for the day and blathering on with some stupidity about hoping "I'll find the man who has enough $ for me 'cause it won't be him".

I am seething disgusted angry and shocked. I am a rational person and yet this very much seems planned to me in hindsight.

Before yesterday none of this existed...this morning he literally tried to pretend nothing had happened.



> First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get to abuse your wife


I wish I could laugh at this quote, but from my vantage point it isn't funny at all. My comment isn't directed at any of you....its just....this is exactly what this feels like.

I have been staring out the window for hours running through things in my head and I have yet to draw a positive conclusion.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

I absolutely understand your side in all of this and how it could make you feel scared!! 

However, from his side I'm reading a different interpretation. By me saying all of this it is NOT saying he's right, and I'd have a list of things he could do better; this is for your sake in case it may help give insight and relief that maybe he's not insane 

1) Men have core NEEDS to be approved of and trusted (by you). He is HURT because he feels neither of those things from you. He in turn gets _frustrated_ by that hurt (as common emotional immaturity demands) and in a way to compensate for not feeling approved of, starts making crazy demands in a desperate attempt to regain control. 

It's not RIGHT what he's doing but I think all of this is stemming from simple hurt feelings, and it's barreling out of control.

2) A breakdown of what he is REALLY doing according to what he's saying:

_-we live on our joint account until it is gone then switch to his money. He will not put my name on his account for 15yrs._

This is his LOGICAL plan to proceed. It's obvious he didn't consider your feelings in this plan, which is common for men. When you responded to this plan, did you let him know your adversity to the plan in terms of feelings or did you criticize his plan? 

You have a right either way, but focusing on feelings (you feel uncared for/not cherished as a life partner) makes is easier for him to take care of your needs. Turning disapproval straight onto his plan makes him feel criticized, untrusted, and unapproved of. That is hard on a lot of men (same as when we feel invalidated).

_-His money is HIS and how he chooses to use it is up to him._

This is simple petty frustrations making him say something stupid. He felt unapproved of, pride hurt, so he withdrew to the only thing he felt control of still, HIS money. Once his guard is back down and you talk to each other respectfully, I guarantee he say something different.

_-He will take care of us financially so I have nothing to worry about. _

This is his way of trying to make you feel safe and cared for by him. He was trying to be your hero. "No fear my lady, I'll take care of you!"

Did you let him know you appreciated that he wanted to take care you you? Men NEED to feel appreciated for their attempts to take care of us, even if it's not what we need (And I'm not saying to go along with his plans, just show appreciation for his want to take care of you)

_-If I go back to work I don't "trust" him, and I am not doing my part for our marriage. _

Again, a man needs to feel trusted. He proposed to "take care of you" by doing all the work and making all the money, so you going back to work feels like you don't trust his plan and want to take care of you. HURTFUL to him. You can help here by A) showing him the aforementioned appreciation; and B) affirm that you trust him entirely, and that your wanting to work is for other reasons. And try to say those things in a loving way, as to not sound like you're talking down to him. Even loving arm touches, a kiss here and there, would reaffirm him you mean no harm in what you're saying.

_-He has decided to take a break from working for an undetermined period of time. _

What were his reasons here? Were they to spend time with you? Have you let him know (by way of feelings) that you feel unconsidered in that decision?


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## Uneasywife (Feb 9, 2013)

> However, from his side I'm reading a different interpretation


Thank you for the lighter spin on this, while it may not be accurate, I need the levity right now.

For what it is worth, I am careful in my communication with him as I had come to realize he is "sensitive" to slights then he goes into a depressive funk etc. 

He's really smart so I have taken this as a "smart - side effect/quirk" for the sake of our marriage. 



> What were his reasons here? Were they to spend time with you?]


Not related to me. He had mentioned this before....but he says this every year, every other month.  He hates his job when he gets frustrated, complains miserably, but then its his great love the next day and the universe is aligned again because someone bought him a coffee. He sent a email to HR yesterday stating he was looking at separation. I am not necessarily opposed, its just a HUGE change for us...and frankly....WTF did I leave MY JOB then? We are on the road and rented our home for a year etc. 

I hope he isn't insane but I'm starting to wonder.

uneasywife


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Haha I'm glad if anything I said helped in that way! 

May I just add that being smart does not always equal being emotionally mature. Honestly reading all of your posts I see a man who is not in touch with his feelings AT ALL and is reacting in a plethora of ways that's doing damage in all areas in his life.

I'm intrigued by the coffee comment. What is the story behind that?? 

My guess with his job is he's not being feeling respected at work (core need for men) and is lashing back by quitting. "Oh yeah, you don't appreciate me? Well I don't appreciate you! I quit! Blah!" (tantrum)

If the coffee story is what I think it is, then it may have been an instance in which he felt appreciated, and so it was SO desperately needed by him that he reacted strongly to it.

Anyway, I really really hope everything works out for you in the best way! You sound like a very strong, logical woman  I know you'll get past it all.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You say he may "punish" you for working?

I'm sorry, I can't get past that.

I will simply say that I hope you find the answers you are seeking here or IRL.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> I absolutely understand your side in all of this and how it could make you feel scared!!
> 
> However, from his side I'm reading a different interpretation. By me saying all of this it is NOT saying he's right, and I'd have a list of things he could do better; this is for your sake in case it may help give insight and relief that maybe he's not insane
> 
> ...


This is true for mental healthy people, but not for the paranoid person.

You have to prepare for leaving, and secure yourself not only financially!

Try to save emergency money and hide it outside of the house, maybe a special account somewhere, without mail etc.

Try to prepare a place to stay if you need to leave. He should not be aware of it.

Hide your contacting a lawyer as soon as you can. It needs to be one with experience on this matter. He will have legal protection of his assets.

Try to get your home back. 

Prepare for taking as much money as you can from the joined account to an account with a neutral person, so you don't 'steal' it legally, but can afterwards prove you only wanted to safeguard your eventual rights to a part of it.

Sorry for this, but it looks you are at the verge of slavery here.


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## Uneasywife (Feb 9, 2013)

> You say he may "punish" you for working?
> 
> I'm sorry, I can't get past that.


No, I mean it feels that way to me. Basically he wants things "his way" and frankly, he gets cranky and pouts.

He mellowed out and surprisingly he talked, I didn't say anything and he went on about he knows he can be a pain in the a**, he apologized for his flip out and while he would like me not to work so we aren't separate again, and if he leaves his work he wants me to not have major commitments. He also feels I think he isn't "good enough for me" and he is concerned for my future, he would never just leave me high and dry so to speak. Nice words, I want to trust but ...... 

Simply put I asked him to work on some marriage/decision making material with me, he likes it and agreed to try it. He says I have financial rights, he will keep our joint balance at a limit for me....but is still unclear on his funds. He left on a trip so we'll have to postpone that part. thats ok, I would like the time to think about all of this.

Again, I am not after his money but the point to me still is we had an agreement.

I am thinking about what I could do for work, and where might be the best place....relocation would be necessary. I lined up legal advice soon so I know where I stand. 

Thank you all for the feedback, Uneasywife


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Uneasywife said:


> He mellowed out and surprisingly he talked


He's back pedaling because he realizes you aren't some wallflower who is just going to sit back and be controlled. So now he's going to turn on the charm so you will trust him before he pulls the rug out from under you....AGAIN.

He's already backed out on the first agreement so if that were me I would no longer trust anything he says in terms of money. ACTIONS are what matters.

Unless he works with you on the money by SHARING it as per the original agreement be leery. Very leery. It's NOT okay that you gave up both your career and your financial independence. He can't have it both ways unless you're okay with living like that.


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## Uneasywife (Feb 9, 2013)

Yeah. Sigh. I know. 

-uneasy


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