# I thought he was the problem ... now that I've reflected on it I think it's been me



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

It's possible I am just in stage 3 of the 5 stages of loss but I'm thinking I really blew it!

We've had issues for a very very long time and a break up I guess was expected but I always thought it was because of him and why wouldn't he have made any attempt at working on us while I've been trying so hard. I'm getting on in years and this is my second significant breakup so I've been trying to turn this into a learning and growth experience because I am aware I am emotionally unhealthy right now and want to put into place a plan to fix my ****. My first I accept little blame for it's failure - he was a complete abuser. This one though maybe wasn't something out of a romance novel (too high of expectations?) but we had respect, trust, companionship, responsibility and way back at one point even a great sex life. This last few days I have been doing some serious introspection.

I'm planning on having a big heart to heart on this today but I doubt it will make any difference as he's pretty black and white ... once a decision is made there is no going back with him. Also, these issues have been going on for quite some time and really I think we've been like robots for the last while although I do think we were getting good at it. Anything that was left to save might have evaporated long ago and this is too little too late.

At this moment I don't think it's too late but it would take *a lot* of work. Maybe just better to move on kind of work. I do see the potential though that everything could turn out good in the end. It's probably too late now though.

Man did I make a lot of mistakes.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

No problem is 100 percent someone's "fault". It can be 99/1, but there's still that 1 percent that was on you.

You have learned from this. That's good. You had some personality flaws that you want to fix. And it sounds like you are accepting that this was something that happened to both parties and that you had a small hand in it. Now you can use that knowledge to be better in the future.

It doesn't excuse his personality flaws or his mistakes. It just means you're able to see that you both may have made mistakes. And that's a really good, really healing thing


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Good for you to realize that. Now go and fix your marriage rather than start over again.

Lots of work to do, time to get moving!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

tpb72 said:


> It's possible I am just in stage 3 of the 5 stages of loss but I'm thinking I really blew it!
> 
> We've had issues for a very very long time and a break up I guess was expected but I always thought it was because of him and why wouldn't he have made any attempt at working on us while I've been trying so hard. I'm getting on in years and this is my second significant breakup so I've been trying to turn this into a learning and growth experience because I am aware I am emotionally unhealthy right now and want to put into place a plan to fix my ****. My first I accept little blame for it's failure - he was a complete abuser. This one though maybe wasn't something out of a romance novel (too high of expectations?) but we had respect, trust, companionship, responsibility and way back at one point even a great sex life. This last few days I have been doing some serious introspection.
> 
> ...


Dear TPB72 ~

I can relate to this post. As the years went on, I too began to understand myself more and through this discovery process I realized MY faults and MY part in the marriage.

You will get advice from TAM posters that are all over the map but we must follow our hearts and be true to ourselves.

I learned a lot from the advice from others and I appreciate their help. I am stronger now because of the strength I received from people here.

If you are beginning to feel that you were not/are not "perfect", share that with your spouse. Do you all that you can to SAVE your marriage BUT remain true to yourself.

Going through this type of emotional trauma will bring up a lot of stuff that has been put away for years.

I wish you the best. Be Strong !!!

Very Hurt


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

in your post, I did not see communication as a positive

with you and H.....it is vital, believe me, it killed my M

once it gets started, it is hard to stop, each back away

tit for tat, before you know it......like you said, robotic

separate and date.....bring back what attracted you before

to see the old fireworks, it will take both of you

if he is concrete in thought, may be best to start with icebreaker

followed by an "opening talk"

best of luck


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

You better act quickly if you two have no ties other than the relationship. If it was a simple parting without kids there will be no more need for contact. The longer you wait the harder it will be for you. Especially if you are the one that ended it. That's a big blow to a mans pride and ego. Once he gets past the hurt and forgives you he might not be able to love or trust you again. It all depends on how it ended (did you dump him) and if you abused him on the way out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tpb72 said:


> It's possible I am just in stage 3 of the 5 stages of loss but I'm thinking I really blew it!
> 
> We've had issues for a very very long time and a break up I guess was expected but I always thought it was because of him and why wouldn't he have made any attempt at working on us while I've been trying so hard. I'm getting on in years and this is my second significant breakup so I've been trying to turn this into a learning and growth experience because I am aware I am emotionally unhealthy right now and want to put into place a plan to fix my ****. My first I accept little blame for it's failure - he was a complete abuser. This one though maybe wasn't something out of a romance novel (too high of expectations?) but we had respect, trust, companionship, responsibility and way back at one point even a great sex life. This last few days I have been doing some serious introspection.
> 
> ...


The day you decide to own your pos tendencies is scary, indeed.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

It is good that you acknowledging your mistakes, it is even greater that you are owning to them. I doubt all of the problems were your fault.
I too, went through that phase, sometimes I still thinking that I was a deplorable wife. Did I blow it?
I don't think so, I think we will be better off in the long run.
I want him to be happy, truly happy. He wasn't truly happy with me, it does pain me that he is suffering at the moment. I do feel guilty for leaving, but I do acknowledge his mistakes.
It wasn't all my fault, it wasn't all his fault.
Good luck to you


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> It is good that you acknowledging your mistakes, it is even greater that you are owning to them. I doubt all of the problems were your fault.
> I too, went through that phase, sometimes I still thinking that I was a deplorable wife. Did I blow it?
> I don't think so, I think we will be better off in the long run.
> I want him to be happy, truly happy. He wasn't truly happy with me, it does pain me that he is suffering at the moment. I do feel guilty for leaving, but I do acknowledge his mistakes.
> ...


hardest part to understand is

when the other leaves...because it is not right for him / her

and if it is not right for one, it is usually not for the other

sadly....in too many cases today....infidelity is involved

maybe if it was free of infidelity, the blow would be easier

and maybe....door open for a R down the road

this is in no way saying it was in your M

you simply stated a valid point


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