# Please Help!!!



## Linlou125 (Dec 6, 2017)

I am new here and seeking guidance for my marriage. I have been married 18 years and have 3 children that range in age from 11-14. The last few years I have pretty much checked out due to emotional abandonment on his part. He knows this and tells me all the time he doesn't wanna loose me but he doesn't do much in trying to keep me either. I told him I am just tired. Tired of the same crap, different day. He doesn't appreciate me, stand up for me to others, enforce kids chores, I have talked with him until I am blue in the face. I told him I have one foot out the door and still nothing has changed. Lately I feel like he's doing things just to drive me crazy. For instance, I have asked him to crate the puppy and he still chooses not too so today she chewed up my laptop charger and our firestick. I am so mad because he at least could have gone in there to check to see if there was anything she could get a hold of. Yesterday was my birthday and he knows I get so embarrassed when they sing to me. He got there first and told them so they came and sang to me. I feel l like is has no regard for my wants or needs. His new thing is at night when we go to bed he asks "do you want to cuddle?" Ummmm, really no! Or, I sent you an "I'm thinking of you text" like it makes it all better?! I have told him I am seriously considering divorce he just looks at me with a blank stare, no crying, no emotion nothing. That makes me feel like he honestly doesn't care or believe me. He is a slob and makes messes all over the house, yard and garage. If I ask him to do something (change a light bulb) it could take 2 weeks to a month before he does it if he does it. He sits on his phone instead of finishing projects around the house, he doesn't take care if his hygiene, he doesn't stand up for me to his family. I can't depend on him to call someone or make an appointment because he "forgets". He is truly like another child, and it drives me crazy. I need a team mate not another child! He said we could schedule a time to talk, ummmm no, serious talking should happen naturally not be scheduled. When he does talk to me it's all surface stuff and he has nothing much to say. He will never disagree with me to save on arguments which I have repeatedly asked him not to do. We don't argue anymore because I am so tired of having the same conversations with him. He always says I will get better it will change but it never does. 
I have recently gotten my own checking account and credit card because I feel divorce is coming soon. I am just not happy with him and I don't feel I love him anymore. I feel like the relationship has run its course. Any advice is greatly appreciated!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When people are actively working to end a marriage like you are, how do you think it's going to play out other than divorce?

You have problems with him, you sit him down and let him know he's either going to do x, y, z or change a, b, c, or you're going to divorce him. He then has the option of either changing his behavior or divorce. Right now, you are getting credit cards in your name, opening your own accounts.... You are actively seeking a divorce. You are at least partially at fault for NOT setting your husband down and letting him know in a very profound way (presenting him with divorce papers) so that he has the opportunity to fix himself and your relationship, or take the divorce. 

I don't have a clue if your husband is as big of a slob as you say, if he's as lousy as you say. BUT.... To you, he is an awful husband and you are wanting a divorce. You've checked out of this marriage. Maybe you should. We can't possibly tell you that based on what you've said. But regardless of what anyone tells you here, you've made this decision already, A LONG TIME AGO.

So what do you really want? Do you want a cheer squad for divorce? I don't know if you'll get it here. I personally say divorce is best every time in the case of infidelity or abusive treatment. But what you've described isn't necessarily that. It may be. But based on both your passive aggressive games you play, I'd say you are probably both guilty of some pretty big misdeeds. You have said your love is gone. Sadly, nothing we say can ever change that. Your love is a feeling only you can be responsible for.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

He sounds pretty clueless on the emotional side. Do you think he's on the Autism/Asperger spectrum? Do you have any experience with that? Some people can function quite well in society but have trouble comprehending emotions. Being blatantly oblivious to your feelings would be one behavior. What kind of job does he have? Is it technical or engineering in nature?


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You two sound like excellent candidates for marriage counseling.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

A couple of questions and observations:

You say he never disagrees with you. Has he ever disagreed with you, if so how did you respond? Did it turn into an argument or did you resolve the disagreement together?

The “blank stare” could also be panic/shock or, disbelief because it sounds like you have threatened divorce repeatedly.

Do you and your husband spend quality time together (no kids) doing something you both enjoy, if so how often? If the answer is no (or rarely), have you told him you would like to spend couple time together and suggested an activity?

Do you think that your general mood is angry or irritated most of the time?

Do you know his mother and what his relationship with her was like?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if he is making an effort in some ways, but he may not even understand what he is supposed to do and why you are so unhappy with him. My husbands ex told him that he wasn't meeting her 'emotional needs' and he tried his best but never really understood what she meant. We have been married very happily for 12 years now, so I don't know what she meant either. Also she was always trying to change him, and you just cant do that. 

I suggest some good long term marriage counselling. It will help you both to learn how to communicate better.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Linlou125, 

I see that you and your husband have been married 18 years, so I assume you are not in your younger twenties, but rather a fully grown, adult person. 

Are you aware that your husband is not you? Are you aware he has his own preferences and ways of thinking that are not your preferences and thoughts, and that are not some universal "right and wrong"? 

As I was reading through your post, I couldn't help but think "What if that's just not his opinion?" and I don't see anywhere that indicates he's even allowed to HAVE an opinion of his own, much less be respected for it. 

Let me give you an example--I'll write it from his side in blue:

The last few years I have pretty much checked out due to emotional abandonment on his part. The last few years my wife has been all emotional and clingy--she clearly wants something from me emotionally but I'm just not a guy who's all feely. 

He knows this and tells me all the time he doesn't wanna loose me but he doesn't do much in trying to keep me either. I don't want to lose her but I can't be who I'm not. I try to engage her mind and analyze the thoughs she does share, but everything is so dripping with emotion I just don't know how ot reason with her.

I told him I am just tired. Tired of the same crap, different day. He doesn't appreciate me, stand up for me to others, enforce kids chores, I have talked with him until I am blue in the face. She tells me all day long all the things I do wrong, which apparently is breathing and being alive in the same general vicinity as her. I wish she'd accept me for who I am and how I am. 

I told him I have one foot out the door and still nothing has changed. She keeps threatening the marriage and the family unless I do things her way, and telling me she got a foot out the door. Well...if you hate me so much, go. I'm tired of trying to be a girl--I'm a GUY. I'm not all smooshy feely! 

Lately I feel like he's doing things just to drive me crazy. For instance, I have asked him to crate the puppy and he still chooses not too so today she chewed up my laptop charger and our firestick. I am so mad because he at least could have gone in there to check to see if there was anything she could get a hold of. She told me to crate the puppy and I wanted to let the puppy have some fun and be free. Well of course, she's a puppy and they get in trouble, but man you'd think the world came to an end. It was just a mistake and we can get another charger and firestick. I just thought the puppy wouldn't want to be in a box for hours! I can never make a mistake or I get punished. 

Yesterday was my birthday and he knows I get so embarrassed when they sing to me. He got there first and told them so they came and sang to me. I feel l like is has no regard for my wants or needs. Like yesterday--it was her birthday and I thought she'd appreciate it if someone made a little fuss over her and made her feel special, so at the restaurant I told them so they'd come sing to her. She got mad at me for it. I can't do anything right!

His new thing is at night when we go to bed he asks "do you want to cuddle?" Ummmm, really no! Or, I sent you an "I'm thinking of you text" like it makes it all better?! I do try. She's so mad at me all the time, she never wants to make love, and she sure as shooting doesn't DESIRE me even though I wish she would. I keep asking, but she keeps shooting me down. She says she wants some emotional stuff first, so I asked her if she wanted to cuddle and you'd have thought I killed the kids. 

I have told him I am seriously considering divorce he just looks at me with a blank stare, no crying, no emotion nothing. That makes me feel like he honestly doesn't care or believe me. I can't tell you how many times she's threatened to leave me. After hearing it over and over, I suspect she's just saying it to make me do what she wants, but honestly? I'm getting a little sick of it. I don't feel all that afraid anymore. 

He is a slob and makes messes all over the house, yard and garage. If I ask him to do something (change a light bulb) it could take 2 weeks to a month before he does it if he does it. She's SO nitpicky! If I put a glass down in the livingroom, she's after me to put it on a coaster within seconds. If I put down my papers, she wants to "clean" them, moves them, and then "forgets" where she put them. I can't put any of my stuff where I want to put it. Now she's a lot neater than I am, but it would be nice to have one space that I can put stuff where I want it. 

He sits on his phone instead of finishing projects around the house, he doesn't take care if his hygiene, he doesn't stand up for me to his family. The minute I sit down to take a breath, she's on me to do something fo rher, do something "for the house", to take a shower, to call my mom and yell at her...seriously! I just want to sit down and relax--leave me alone. 

I can't depend on him to call someone or make an appointment because he "forgets". He is truly like another child, and it drives me crazy. She asks me to make a doctor appointment, and if I don't pick up the phone THAT SECOND, she's on my case until I do. I was in the middle of something I can't just quit! Don't I even matter at all? 

I need a team mate not another child! He said we could schedule a time to talk, ummmm no, serious talking should happen naturally not be scheduled. She says she wants to have a serious talk--okay that means she wants to yell at me--and it sounds like it will be long, so I offered to look at our calendars and schedule it. She just got mad at that! What the french? I can't just drop everything for hours to be yelled at--why would I want to do that? 

When he does talk to me it's all surface stuff and he has nothing much to say. He will never disagree with me to save on arguments which I have repeatedly asked him not to do. We don't argue anymore because I am so tired of having the same conversations with him. He always says I will get better it will change but it never does. I wish we could be friends and say nice things to each other. I wish she'd tell me what I did right and have some fun together. But every time I try to start a conversation she wants to go into this DEEP stuff all about how wrong I am, and I'm so tired of being picked apart. The best part is that she tells me to not be afraid to disagree with her, but what good does it do? I sure as shooting am never "right" so what's the point? Forget it, I can protect what's left of my heart by just shutting up! 

In conclusion you wrote: 



> I have recently gotten my own checking account and credit card because I feel divorce is coming soon. I am just not happy with him and I don't feel I love him anymore. I feel like the relationship has run its course. Any advice is greatly appreciated!


Sounds to me like your mind is made up. What do you need us for? For that matter, what do you need him for (other than your whipping post)? After you divorce him, he won't have to hear how wrong he is about everything.


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

I have questions
1 does your husband have a job or a career is so what?
2 if you 2 divorced could he support himself?
3 does he abuse you.
4 does he do drugs?
5 does he cheat on you?

I need answers to these questions

Next ...what do you do for a living, do you work? 
What do you do in the way of chores around the house?
Ever consider hiring a cleaning service
How often do yu and your husband have sex
Do you drink to escape?

I personally need kore info.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@Linlou125, welcome to TAM!

I don't agree with the posters who are coming down on you. You sound like a wife who has fallen out of love with her husband and is in withdrawal. It's sounds like you are trying to communicate your needs to your H, but he is not hearing what you're saying. You're truly planning to divorce: you're actively getting your ducks in a row so you are serious. 

We usually refer to women like you as "Walk Away Wives" and we don't see too many women like you posting on TAM; we usually see the men who have been left behind, like your H. Walk Away Wives are women who have tried to get through to their husbands but for whatever reason, their husbands never really understood. The husband is totally blindsided when the wife leaves. When the divorce comes, they suddenly realize that the wife has been trying to get through to them and they are very willing to try to make changes. Unfortunately, it's often too late.

So what you're feeling is fairly common. Your kids are still pretty young, still in middle/high school, yes? So they will be living at home for several more years. Your H seems to be trying in his own way. For these reasons, I encourage you to try some more alternatives before going straight to divorce. 

I really like the Marriage Builders' program, by Dr Harley. You can get the basics for free on their website. Their philosophy boils down to the belief that marriage is a special relationship of extraordinary care; spouses should put their marriage first, learn to meet each other's emotional needs and learn to avoid the things that destroy love (bad behaviors, habits, etc.) They have questionnaire available online for free, which helps each spouse identify the other's top emotional needs as well as the negative behaviors which cause the most destruction so that spouse can build their program. They are particularly good at helping men build the emotional connection that women need to be happy in marriage. They have two books which are highly recommended: "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters." You can also check out their article "When to Call it Quits" on their website. This gives their opinion on when it's time to cut your losses and move on. 

Marriage Builders is a free or inexpensive program that you and your H can do yourselves (they do offer actual counseling but it is pricey; you can follow the books/website for cheap or free). But there are plenty of other alternatives, like John Gottmann or just marital counseling. You might opt to do some research and find something that you think you can do for a time and offer it to your H. 

I suspect that your H will finally hear you if you sit your H down and tell him that you are at the end of your rope, that you are getting your own bank account and you have plans to separate. This is when things get serious: things change, or you are out of there and you already have financing in place and you're looking at places. Do this now, while there is still a chance at repairing your marriage. 

I wish you the best of luck1


----------



## Linlou125 (Dec 6, 2017)

RoseAglow said:


> @Linlou125, welcome to TAM!
> 
> I don't agree with the posters who are coming down on you. You sound like a wife who has fallen out of love with her husband and is in withdrawal. It's sounds like you are trying to communicate your needs to your H, but he is not hearing what you're saying. You're truly planning to divorce: you're actively getting your ducks in a row so you are serious.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! This is exactly where I am. Thank you for understanding and giving me additional tools to look into other alternatives. I was starting to think my feelings didn't matter. He's a great provider and father to our children and he knows that our marriage is in trouble. Thank you again!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One thing that I really disagree with that you said is that talks should not be scheduled. 

Like any other meeting to accomplish an objective, there needs to be a scheduled time and place and a posted agenda and clearly defined goals and objectives should be shared.

The issue here is you two are speaking different languages and are not hearing or understanding each other.

You are trying to be "right" but are not neccessarily trying to understand each other and are not collaboratively seeking a solution together. 

I think in order for each of you to truly open your eyes, ears, minds and hearts, something is going to have to get blown up in order to bring both of you to the negotiating table. 

My suggestion is to continue to get your personal and financial affairs in order and then see a family law attorney and have a custody/child care agreement written up and legally separate.

Then find a place you can live
Month by month and relocate for awhile.

After a period of separation and hauling kids back and forth and each if you living the life of a single parent for a period of time, this could do a number of things.

For starters this could be his wake up call to take your complaints seriously and out in the effort to meet your needs.

This could also give you a chance to clear your head and determine if the single mother life is really what you want or not. 

Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. You may find you like the peace and quiet and not having to deal with him.

You may find that you do not like living on your own and hauling kids back and forth and that it is with it to replace your own lightbulbs and that having the family under one roof is worth having to replace a charging cord now and then. 

In the end the question that will need to be answered is, is your life better with him or without him.

He will never be another you so no matter what you do, you will never transform him into a mirror image of yourself. He will never be a good mother and will never be a good sister or a good girlfriend.

He might not ever even be a very good roommate.

But can he be a good husband, lover, father and companion???


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

(And just FWIW, at times my wife could probably relate to what you have said word for word.

A few years ago she was hell bent on moving to a bigger and better house. 

I offered her that she could move to her own separate house that she could have as orderly and tidy as she wanted and we could remain a married couple and she could visit me and the kids whenever she wanted and we would come see her any time she was up for company and wanted to invite us.

I was semi serious when I made that offer.

To me it made sense. Living with me made her nuts because I was not a 24/7 co-mother. 

I would have offered to move to a little studio or one-room on my own because I would be perfectly in a tiny place by myself, but I was afraid of how much her OCDs would torment the kids if I wasn't there to be be here preferred target.

If your H is a good person and a good father and a good provider, but is simply a poor housekeeper and doesn't pick up after himself well enough. Then perhaps getting some kind of duplex or his-and-hers apartments would be something to consider. 

Since you don't mention abuse, addiction, adultery or neglect, Maybe finding a place with a mother-in-law apartment would be something worth considering.

That way you could have the tidy, organized household that you want and run it your way. And he could live in peace as a slob in his own place and yet you could each visit each other and continue to coparent however you want.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I will not argue that he is not a slob. You said he is, and he is.

But you said if you tell him to change a light bulb, he doesn't do it in a timely manner. I have to say why should he do it at all? Why don't you do it? Why do you think he should?

I think in any normal marriage neither the husband nor the wife should be telling the other spouse what to do. If you want something done, just do it yourself.

As a disclaimer I will admit that in my marriage I do tell my wife what to do, and she does it. But my wife and I have a very different relationship, and we recognize our relationship is not normal. Mary is a submissive who thrives on being controlled. 

Perhaps that is what you are seeking in a husband?


----------

