# Plenty of Fish Profile



## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Hey All,

It's been about a month since I posted. I just don't get it. After being together about 14 years, married six and a half I never thought I'd have to deal with this s#%#. 

Last month I found out he had been sexting with someone we both know. He was apologetic, ended it immediately, became very transparent. Since then, while it hasn't been perfect, it's been GOOD. We've been having a lot more sex, fewer days of tension or stupid little arguments... then I find his profile at plenty of fish.

He had four images of himself posted, every part of the profile filled out included how he was looking for dates and had started a conversation with one woman. The message was his whole life story, without mentioning that he was married, only that he was "with someone" and how he didn't know if he'd ever been sexually satisfied in our relationship and how it didn't matter who, what, why - it was no one's fault.

This women lives pretty close by actually and the chances that they could have met up - if I hadn't found the message is pretty high - although he says he "doesn't think" he would have allowed it to go that far.

I haven't been able to eat or function (I found out Sunday). Again, he is apologetic, full transparency, etc... and keeps assuring me he wants US. We are currently looking for a counselor, in the meantime I'm a wreck.

Anyway, that's my story. Any suggestions, thoughts, opinions? I do want to save my marriage - two strikes in less than two months is really scaring me though.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Beneficient, 

Simply put, he must receive consequences. Without them, you are fighting a loosing battle. He will continue this or worse, because he doesn't fear that he will lose his marriage. You need to help him understand what that feels like. You need to test his remorse - to see if he actually has any.

And, *you* can't fear giving those consequences to him. What he's done is as good as cheating, because he's trying to cheat. He is totally disrespecting you and your marriage.

If you want to R with him, I'd suggest the following:

- If at all possible, separate from him for a short period and tell him you need time to consider what he's done and how remorseful he is, before you make a decision on whether to stay. At the very least, remove him from your bedroom and stop having sex with him.

- In the mean time, as you consider what to do, tell him he'd be well advised to close out all of his social media accounts, give you the passwords to all his communication devices, doesn't delete any messages he sends or receives, and accounts for all of his time.

- Don't tell him, but start monitoring him covertly. VAR in his car, keylogger on his computer, and start comparing your cell phone bill with his cell phone calls and messages. Don't assume he's stopped.

If he refuses to accept "any" of these consequences, talk to an attorney, start the divorce process and implement the 180 - to start detaching from him (find the link here or google it). When or if he comes around, you can always end or delay that process.

Then sit back and see how much he wants to save his marriage.

Without the possibility of D staring him in the face, and his willingness to prove his remorse by accepting these consequences, I don't see much changing. He'll be in an A shortly if he's not already having one.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes. How many other little surprises has he got hidden away? How many other cheater sites is he registered with? 

Learn more about him. Then take action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

"He doesn't think he would allow it to go that far"

Starting a POF profile is taking things pretty far IMO. Be strong for yourself, it's easy to say but much harder to accomplish. Sorry for your pain, the regulars will be here soon.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

key logger, var's, go stealth. If you find other sites go silent.

Get all his passwords for all his accounts, insist on it. Ask him to write down all his account information.

He needs to go cold turkey on the computer for a while (IMO). 

I would ask him point blank, I want you to list all your accounts, names and passwords. Tell him if you leave one account out there will be hl* to pay. Tell him you are thinking about having the computer sent out for a complete forenic exam and that until then the computer will be completely monitored. No deletions of anything. Then sit there with him sitting across the table from you and look up each and every site. 

Look at the dates of when these accounts were opened. I suspect if he was "fishing" for a while that there is a high liklihood of a PA.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Beneficient,
> 
> Simply put, he must receive consequences. Without them, you are fighting a loosing battle. He will continue this or worse, because he doesn't fear that he will lose his marriage. You need to help him understand what that feels like. You need to test his remorse - to see if he actually has any.
> 
> ...


I know all of this is scary and still very new to you. Please take a moment for yourself and let out the anger and hurt. You have every right to feel every bit of betrayal you feel and you need to know this is not in anyway your fault. 
Your marriage issues may be shared issues, but his actions are his actions and he must own them.
You need full disclosure and you need to start the process of taking the advice that is being given on monitoring him going forward. some of that advice will involve him knowing like the passwords etc... Some of it is stuff he will not know about and it needs to stay that way or he will go underground with his actions and make it very difficult for you to catch him. VAR and Keylogging the computer are not hard to do and Weightlifter will be here soon hopefully to help you with how to do that stuff if you need the help. You need to do it though, you need to make sure it is over with. You should get counseling together immediately and he needs to truthfully answer all questions and know that any lies discovered will mean divorce. Stand your ground and lift him out of the fog he is in.

Best of luck to you. Be strong.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> key logger, var's, go stealth. If you find other sites go silent.
> 
> Get all his passwords for all his accounts, insist on it. Ask him to write down all his account information.
> 
> ...


It's time to wake up and smell the coffee because if he's on POF then he's looking really hard. There are enough skank's on that site, they will take up with whatever someone is willing to give them.....I agree with other posters, you need to go all magnum P SI!!!!! on his butt. You are going to have to start detaching also because the more you know the more it will hurt without a little protection. ((hugs))


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

heres a different spin. unless you think catching him will help you someway . I would just file for divorce you seen his true colors do you want to be sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your relationship. cut your losses and move on.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Burned said:


> "He doesn't think he would allow it to go that far"
> 
> Starting a POF profile is taking things pretty far IMO. Be strong for yourself, it's easy to say but much harder to accomplish. Sorry for your pain, the regulars will be here soon.


After my step son divorced he got on POF...He said if you were just interested in getting laid it was like having sex on tap...

He hooked up with one girl, broke up with her after about a year...She walked out that morning, he had a blond in bed that night....Seriously

He is pushing 50 and overweight, and says on POF, ONS's are like putting coins in a vending machine...Ka Ching..

Your husband seems pretty serious to me...

the woodchuck


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Thank you all so much. 

I feel like I must seem like such a baby as I know he hasn't had a PA as we are together almost all the time, he hasn't even had a EA - but sexting - as he was doing HOURS and HOURS of it for about a three day run and then seeing this profile and what he told that woman, and may I add - younger, cute woman (Honestly, I would feel better if she had been older and ugly)..... 

But I hurt, just seeing how he posted he was looking to date and even describing his idea of a first date...., he really put a lot of time into this profile. 

It's been since Sunday and this deep grief isn't lifting. My children are away at college and I won't see them for about two more weeks, which on one hand I'm thankful for as they would know something was up (We are very close) - on the other, it might force me to function better because I'm not doing hardly anything and I'm generally a super productive person.

Anyway, he is calling for counselors and seems willing to do whatever is asked of him, but I'm sure there is a lot I just don't know in regard to what he was thinking or even how long he'd been trolling that place. I was the one that shut it down as he gave me the information. 

What is a keylogger?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry to say, but I suspect there is more to this than you think. Sounds like your husband has no sense of boundaries and is a cake eater.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Beneficient said:


> I feel like I must seem like such a baby


Don't even feel that way. It's a very hard thing to find out about your SO sexting.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

What is a keylogger?
--------
What Is a Keylogger and Key Logging Software?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree that there is probably much more that you don't know. He is following a well-worn pattern that indicates that.

I would follow the advice to snoop for more information.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

What exactly do you want to hold onto?
A man who had an intense sexting relationship & was trolling on POF?
Those are just the tip of the iceberg, with more investigation I bet you're going to find more.
Think of it this way, if you had not found out about the sexting or POF, he would STILL BE DOING IT. 
The ONLY thing that stopped him was being found out.
Dig deep to find out more because trust me, there will be more.
BUT, do NOT let him know what you're doing or what you have found out, that will just drive him deeper underground.
You've got to go into stealth mode about this & no matter what you find out, wait until you've gotten lots of info before you confront.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Beneficient said:


> Last month I found out he had been sexting with someone we both know. *He was apologetic, ended it immediately, became very transparent*.
> 
> then I find his profile at plenty of fish. He had four images of himself posted, every part of the profile filled out included how he was looking for dates and had started a conversation with one woman. I found out Sunday). Again, *he is apologetic, full transparency, etc... and keeps assuring me he wants US*.
> 
> Any suggestions, thoughts, opinions? I do want to save my marriage - two strikes in less than two months is really scaring me though.


TALK IS CHEAP. It's easy to placate you with a few apologies.

Why would this month's apology mean any more than last month's apology? Does he REALLLY mean it this time?

I'm sorry, I know you WANT to stay married and you WANT him to be faithful, but you are not going to be able to have both. It is beyond your control and all the wishing in the world isn't going to change him.

Continue with him at the risk of having your heart broken again.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Please, snoop like a mad woman, keyloggers, phone spyware, the 9 yards.

Also I'd reject going to MC for now.
Taylor the 180 and tell him you are weighting your options, watching him, his actions, tell him you don't trust him and his motivations, tell him to get IC and find out what the hell he really wants becasue his actions contradict his words, tell him if he manage to make you believe you might join him to MC later.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry you are here. Be strong and try to plan for the future without him . Going to MC is a kind of punishment for you. It is him who needs counseling and not you. I don’t think this man is going to change, he is lying to you. He apologizes and repeats the same thing again!! They is more you do not know. He is like Anthony Weiner!! I don’t see why you have to stay with him, unless it is to be hurt all the time


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Beneficient said:


> Hey All,
> 
> It's been about a month since I posted. I just don't get it. After being together about 14 years, married six and a half I never thought I'd have to deal with this s#%#.
> 
> ...


It's called a-d-d-i-c-t.

I don't wan to be the one to break it to you but this will never end. He'll just get better at hiding it from you while he practices his addiction.

Two options:

1) Put up with it.

2) Don't put up with it.

I wish you well and I am sorry this betrayal is happening to you.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

PLEASE don't think that because your husband is with you all the time he doesn't cheat. 

My husband was ALWAYS home, never worked late, spent time with the kids and their activities, had a full time job, AND was able to have multiple physical affairs.

Also, if he has a POF profile, he probably has more online profiles at other sites too. There are tons of sites and Craigslist too. 

At this point, you have to just assume that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. You have to find out yourself all the facts you can. This could take a while and takes great strength and patience to deal with what you are most likely to find out. You may find some very disturbing and upsetting stuff.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

a friend of mine's daughter got her dates from POF and ended up happily married. Now after I found out about my WH I set up a profile on there too. What an eye opener. I couldn't believe that contacts with married men who didn't want their wives to find out. To say the least I tried to out everyone of them. Internet is too easy and they can live right around the corner and the excitement runs high.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rugs said:


> PLEASE don't think that because your husband is with you all the time he doesn't cheat.
> 
> My husband was ALWAYS home, never worked late, spent time with the kids and their activities, had a full time job, AND was able to have multiple physical affairs.
> 
> ...


:iagree: My wife was sitting next to me on her computer, laying next to me in bed with her phone (I was clueless) for months, perhaps years fooling around. I just never suspected.

Don't believe a word he says. He is a liar, all cheaters are. 

Listen to us. There is more then you know.

Everytime you try to respond to us by sayiing, oh he did not do that, or how could he do that I was with him, REALLY? You need to stop. I got this from the folks here on TAM and I did not listen to what everyone was saying. I came up with excuses. I thought I knew what was going on. I had no freaken clue what my wife was really doing. I denied what folks were clearly seeing and I am talking about folks here on TAM, they saw it and we are just sitting in front of our computers writing words and we see it.

I am going to suggest again that you go stealth. 

You are in defence mode. You are thinking, oh, this is all he did and I am thankful that I stopped it. I seriously don't think you stopped a thing.

You are in denial.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey Beneficient. Can relate. My exH used to hit POF to "troll" as well. He said he never met up with anyone. They all say that, dear. I found more dating sites later.


He is showing you over and over again he's not serious about stopping what he's doing. So he needs to actually SHOW something different for you to believe him. You need better boundaries too--what you will/won't put up with. 

Good luck. 

BTDT


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Stop any and all active conversations about his misbehavior and let it go as though it never happened. Once he is back in his comfy chair and feeling smug you will catch him out.

I am sure weightlifter will be here with the best VAR advice and there are some true tech types here for spy ware and such just ask them for help and they will give you the right equipment list to be getting ready to nail him.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but trust me on this, what you know right now is just a ripple on the surface.

The only way you can see for sure what you are dealing with is to let them go about life in their own shoes and watch covertly from a distance using all available technology at hand, I have come to know this but not through wanting to know but due to situations in life teaching me the hard way that I now need to keep in place the following......

Spyware on ALL computers(take the best one available, there are ones that do screen shots every 5seconds of the webcam)

Spyware on his phone.

VAR in his car and anywhere he likes to go to use his phone privately, this is very important as he may well have already got himself a "burner" pre-paid phone to continue his dirty deeds with. 

Tracker on his car, and get a good one that you can snail trail him and see exactly where he has been and I had them in company cars that even told you what time the engine started and stopped, speeds etc, very handy to know if he is picking up chicks and where he was doing it and what time, simple trackers give a location but sophistication gives the edge to know if he was just getting head in a car park or how long they stayed in the motel for the extended lunch break.

For the best equipment for any application just ask the guys here and they will tell you what you need and how best to install it.

Once again, it is only being dragged into this sh!tty world that I have come to know so much and again, sorry you are here.

wranglerman.


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

You are all right about how if I wouldn't have caught him, he would probably still be on that site. And thank you Burned, it does hurt. I just compare it to others who are dealing with real life PA's and EA's and my issue, while devastating to me feels trivial in contrast. 

I am not sure about keyloggers, he's a lot more computer savvy than I am and not sure he wouldn't find out. We had used some a few years ago - not for each other but to make sure teen-age sons were avoiding the porn sites. I could tell there was something going on and as I said, I'm only savvy enough to scare myself, but not to really consider myself advanced in IT stuff.

I know he hasn't done anything via his phone, since the sexting incident last month as I do get those phone records regardless if he deletes stuff or not.

After so many years, I keep wondering - why now? I could see if we were distant or having major issues, but we have actually been getting along great, great sex, fun times together, etc....


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Beneficient said:


> I am not sure about keyloggers, he's a lot more computer savvy than I am and not sure he wouldn't find out. We had used some a few years ago - not for each other but to make sure teen-age sons were avoiding the porn sites. I could tell there was something going on and as I said, I'm only savvy enough to scare myself, but not to really consider myself advanced in IT stuff.


B,

A keylogger on his computer is absolutely the most effective method to confirm this type of cheating has stopped. He can't use passwords. You'll know them. Everything he types, every site he visits, you can record. Every e-mail he receives, you'll get a copy. Trust me, I know.

Don't worry about him finding out. If you do it smartly enough, he won't. And even if he does, so what. You had damn good reasons to do it.

Don't dismiss the best tool at your disposal. I'm sure you're a smart woman. You don't have to be an IT wiz. Take the time to research, read and google. Make a plan. You can get help here.

I can recommend webwatcher. It's pretty good.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

You can do this Beneficient! I was self taught on being a full blown spy guy. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...one-interested-evidence-gathering-thread.html

Plenty of people here to help answer any questions you may have.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I can recommend webwatcher. It's pretty good.



That's what I used, even seeing the name "webwatcher" brings back painful memories. If you purchase this make sure you save the purchase on a memory stick. If the computer resets and you hadn't backed it up you will have to purchase again.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Beneficient said:


> I just compare it to others who are dealing with real life PA's and EA's and my issue, while devastating to me feels trivial in contrast.
> ....


Your pain is real, hard to minimize how you feel compared to others. Your husband was "sexting" another woman. That is at least an EA if it didn't go PA. If you don't deal with this now then you will be dealing with this the rest of your relationship.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Burned said:


> That's what I used, even seeing the name "webwatcher" brings back painful memories. If you purchase this make sure you save the purchase on a memory stick. If the computer resets and you hadn't backed it up you will have to purchase again.


At the most, all you'll need is about 20 minutes to an hour with him out of the house to install it. It hides itself well. Enough that he would have to suspect that it's there, and then be IT savvy enough to find it. Not likely.

Just be sure to disable his anti-virus before you install it. It's not that hard.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Beneficient said:


> You are all right about how if I wouldn't have caught him, he would probably still be on that site. And thank you Burned, it does hurt. I just compare it to others who are dealing with real life PA's and EA's and my issue, while devastating to me feels trivial in contrast.


There is nothing trivial about this. Anyone would be upset to find out their spouse is on dating sites setting up profiles messaging women to meet them. Dating sites!


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<What exactly do you want to hold onto?
A man who had an intense sexting relationship & was trolling on POF?
Those are just the tip of the iceberg, with more investigation I bet you're going to find more.>>

Totally the tip of the iceberg. They will only admit to what you already know and can prove. You need to know it all, but as they are telling you, stealthily, or he will go underground. Do not accuse until you have real proof, then set your boundaries with him and stick to them.

It may or may not have gone to a PA but sexting IS an EA , especially with a real life person you know. No matter what he tells you there are feelings between them, women just work that way. My H's online/phone OW "cried for days" when he tried to break it off with her before I found out about it - I saw the texts. They told each other they loved them, in addition to sexting.

No matter what has happened he has most likely broken his marriage vows to you, unless you didn't have any of the traditonal kind 

"Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?"

How many of these did he break?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> :iagree: My wife was sitting next to me on her computer, laying next to me in bed with her phone (I was clueless) for months, perhaps years fooling around. I just never suspected.


Ouch. Same exact thing happened when my fWW was in her sh!t with OM. Thinking back on that, wow, how frigging heartless.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Ouch. Same exact thing happened when my fWW was in her sh!t with OM. Thinking back on that, wow, how frigging heartless.


Been there done that, haunts me almost everyday that she could be so bold as to sit across the table and behave like that!!!

Time will tell though.

Only if B puts the necessary gadgets in place to catch him!!!


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

Beneficient said:


> Thank you all so much.
> 
> I feel like I must seem like such a baby as I know he hasn't had a PA as we are together almost all the time,


Even in this scenario, someone who wants to have a PA can find an opportunity by using lunch hours, claiming to be going in to work early, staying late, working extra shifts, going to the gym, going out with a "friend", while travelling, etc.


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Thanks Burned, the thread you sent is long, but I'm looking through it.

I have noticed he is looking for sites that are geared at helping marriages and specifically what he thinks his problem was. Still waiting to hear back about MC, but I did hear him making the calls.

I know he highly values morality and honesty and have seen it in action with myself, others and in business situations - for the years we knew each other and didn't date through the first date 14 years ago, up til this.... This is such a huge turn from that, like turning his back on everything he even believes in.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Beneficient said:


> Thanks Burned, the thread you sent is long, but I'm looking through it.
> 
> I have noticed he is looking for sites that are geared at helping marriages and specifically what he thinks his problem was. Still waiting to hear back about MC, but I did hear him making the calls.
> 
> I know he highly values morality and honesty and have seen it in action with myself, others and in business situations - for the years we knew each other and didn't date through the first date 14 years ago, up til this.... This is such a huge turn from that, like turning his back on everything he even believes in.


No problem, dont' let it overwhelm you. There are some IT experts on here so if you have any questions just ask. 

It's almost as if the person you thought you knew is nowhere to be found. This came as a shock to me that the person I thought I knew for 20 years could just be well, so different. 

It might take some time for you to get your answer's, after I caught my wife talking with the "old boyfriend" it went totally underground for a month or so then right back to it once she thought I wasnt' looking. Like I forgot or something.


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