# Do I discuss this with my son?



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I have recently found out that my son is not likely biologically mine. He's 22 I've always suspected it. He lives with me, I've divorced his mother. He is one of many, many children the GYN has fathered over the years. I think he needs to know. It's a secret my ex wants to take to the grave. I'm not bitter about it now. I love my son. My ex does not know that I'm on to it. What should I do?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I think he has the right to know but I wouldn't want to dump that news on him without it being confirmed. Is there a way to find out for sure before dumping that on him? Like doing 23andMe or something and having the results go to you.

If not, I would tell him about it and ask him if he needs/wants a DNA test or not. Tell him you support his decision either way, are his dad regardless and won't be offended if he wants to explore that path. If he doesn't, then leave it at that. He's your son regardless.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> I have recently found out that my son is not likely biologically mine. He's 22 I've always suspected it. He lives with me, I've divorced his mother. He is one of many, many children the GYN has fathered over the years. I think he needs to know. It's a secret my ex wants to take to the grave. I'm not bitter about it now. I love my son. My ex does not know that I'm on to it. What should I do?


Why does he need to know? Whose best interests are served by giving him that information - yours or his?

If you have been the only father he's ever actually known, just exactly what benefit will this new knowledge bring him? You might argue that he deserves to know his real father. I would counter that he already does.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I'm concerned that when I die, it will be exposed. Secrets are mostly harmful. Should I confront his mother?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

His well being is paramount to mine. His mother may have already told him.....


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

I'd talk to his mother first. I wouldn't even mention it to him unless there is irrefutable truth.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> His well being is paramount to mine.


Then figure out which choice meets that criteria, and do it. 

If you tell him now, it's out. If he finds out when you die, it's out and he can't discuss it with you, so I could see at least some incentive to do that. If he never finds out, that would IMHO be the best situation if the knowledge is of no use to him other than to label his mother a cheater. He's too old to get child support from this other man. About all he could hope for would be a share in any estate, but that's probably pretty unlikely unless he's named in the will. 

How exactly would your death uncover his actual paternity? Who would tell him?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Get a DNA testing done and get it out of the way right away. why torture yourself with the what ifs? You have the right to know, your son has the right to know. It's your prerogative to proceed as you wish, and no one can tell you otherwise.
For the life of me I can't understand people and their difficulty with the truth. Why people hide and retreat from confronting truth. This is one of the reason politicians get away with anything, because people don't want to hear the true. They tell you what you want to hear, not what will really happen. If they were to tell people like it is, it will be not be well received, and the people won't vote for them.

same with personal matters that are hard to confront, so many, and I mean so many people cower, and cover their eyes and pretend that the problem doesn't exist. Do it man get it out in the open. screw your ex and anybody else. I would certainly not hesitate one second if I were in your position.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Well, It's not easy to walk up to your 22 year old son and say "I need to swab your mouth....".


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

It may be way down on the list of importance now, but the GYN's medical history may be pertinent to your son at some time. Just thinking out loud.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would it be exposed when you die?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

BTW, He already knows his mother is a cheater. He has witnessed it.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

StillSearching said:


> BTW, He already knows his mother is a cheater. He has witnessed it.


Are you hoping this will cause him to reject his mother?

Not judging, just asking.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

No


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

It would be in his best interest to know of any inherited genetic tendencies towards, say, heart disease, diabetes, various cancers, Alzheimer's, or any of a myriad of conditions. My boys, for example, both know that at age 40 they must start annual PSA testing.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

StillSearching,

I'm a child of my Mothers affair, and I'm glad I found out soon enough to meet my Biological family, not soon enough to meet my Grandmother, but soon enough to meet or talk with most of the them.

I suggest you tell him immediately without hesitation, no matter how horrible the OM was give him the option to see him or not. Don't let him be like me rubbing his tears on his Mothers grave years too late.

If it is the truth then he deserves it just like you deserved the truth about your WWs affairs, the longer this goes on the larger the lie becomes.

It won't make him less it will give him an added dimension to his life, I think of myself as having 4 families not 2 and I see it as a positive thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What do you mean that the GYN fathered your son?

Was this an affair or was this some weird in vitro clinic thing?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I suggest talking with him about it. Let him know that you have recently came into knowledge that he might not be biologically your son. That it doesn’t make a difference to you because he always will be your son. Let him make the discussion on the dna test.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

What does GYN stand for?

If your suspicion is correct, do you think he'd want to know? If he'd want to, then I don't see a justification for withholding that information from an adult. Even if he might not want to know, it wouldn't be right to expect you to shoulder that if you don't feel right about it being kept secret.

Maybe you could tell him that some information came to light that gives you reason to think you might not be his biological father. Assure him that you want to continue having the same relationship with him regardless, but that you want to know if he'd like to get a paternity test. Remind him that it could be beneficial for medical purposes.

If he does want a test, I'd get it at a local lab that does paternity tests that can be used in court. Those labs usually offer two levels of test, the legally recognized test, and a non-legal peace of mind test. The difference is in the level of documented tracking involved while the genetic material is being transported and tested. If you think there's any possibility of it ending up in court one day, you might want to get the legally recognized test so you don't have to repeat the test later.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation. I hope everything turns out for the best.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

StillSearching said:


> I have recently found out that my son is not likely biologically mine. He's 22 I've always suspected it. He lives with me, I've divorced his mother. He is one of many, many children the GYN has fathered over the years. I think he needs to know. It's a secret my ex wants to take to the grave. I'm not bitter about it now. I love my son. My ex does not know that I'm on to it. What should I do?





StillSearching said:


> I'm concerned that when I die, it will be exposed. Secrets are mostly harmful. Should I confront his mother?





StillSearching said:


> His well being is paramount to mine. His mother may have already told him.....





StillSearching said:


> Well, It's not easy to walk up to your 22 year old son and say "I need to swab your mouth....".





StillSearching said:


> BTW, He already knows his mother is a cheater. He has witnessed it.


May I offer a couple of suggestions. First, unless you absolutely know beyond a shadow of doubt, I would not tell him. Even then, I still probably would not tell him. If it comes out after you die, he may silently say "thank God, Dad never knew as it would have killed him."

Now if you want to continue to be a "great father," Go to either Ancestry.com or 23&Me.com and take the DHA test for yourself. Don't ask him to take one. The advantage of the 23&Me DNA test is it is more medical condition related than the Ancestry. The Ancestry is more family connection and family tree building related.

Then after you get the DNA results back start doing some Genealogical research on YOUR family tree. The gift of a family tree and photos of relatives is a wonderful present for an adult child and their future family. My mother was adopted. After her death, I got a court order to unseal her adoption and all related court records. I got some interesting and horrifying news.

My mother's adopted parents were the only parents she knew and she never wanted to know anything about her biological parents. In my family tree I trace my mom's adopted parents families way back in time as they are the source of much of my cultural heritage and my maternal grandmother lived with us while I was growing up.

I also have on the family tree my mom's biological parents. I have have the prison mugshot of the old man who raped a 13 year old girl that was the creation of my mother. A court order can get you almost anything, including old court records, prison records, and adoption proceeding minutes. Your son will hopefully not be as shocked as I was about his biological past.

I would wager that since you say he knows his mom was a "cheater" he may have at some point questions. Then again, he may already know, but doesn't want to hurt you. When those questions naturally arise, if you have a DNA test from one of the major labs, he will be able to get answers easily about his biological relationship to you. Don't force this on him, let him want to find out and provide him with the information when he wants to know, even if it is after your death.

If you decide on this course of action, then do it as it will be able to answer lots of questions your son my have after your death. If you do this, then you might also at some point in the future ask your son's mother to also do one of the major DNA tests, not tell her son anything, but also just leave it as a legacy for him to discover at some point in the future.

My wife took the 23&Me DHA test and has found a huge number of biological cousins all across the country. She was into Genealogy well before I was. One of the most surprising results was a DHA close relative who contacted my wife and said that she was the product of her mother's affair during the time of the Korean war and asked if she might know who her biological father was. My wife put "two and two" together and contacted a cousin, who turned out to be a half-sister to the person asking. The two half-sisters have met and communicated now for a couple years. With modern DNA testing being more common, folks are finding out that there were a lot of illegitemate children out there.

The point is it may not be as horrible as you fear.

Good luck.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If you decide to tell him, consider waiting until this CV19 stuff is over and he's in a stable place in his life. Who knows how he would take the news. If he's like most 22-year-olds, he's likely fretting about the future and what he's going to do with his life. The last thing he needs right now is more stuff to worry about. His place in the family may be the of the few things he feels secure about.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

ABHale said:


> I suggest talking with him about it. Let him know that you have recently came into knowledge that he might not be biologically your son. That it doesn’t make a difference to you because he always will be your son. Let him make the discussion on the dna test.


I actually love this. It reassures the son of his place in the OP's life, and it allows the SON to control the knowledge he has.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What is a GYN?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What is a GYN?


GYNecologist


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

How long ago did you find out?

it is imperative that you tell your son, for medical reasons. It is important to find out if there might be any hereditary diseases.

is the gyno still practicing? If so, I would destroy his practice.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Kamstel2 said:


> How long ago did you find out?
> 
> it is imperative that you tell your son, for medical reasons. It is important to find out if there might be any hereditary diseases.
> 
> is the gyno still practicing? If so, I would destroy his practice.


AND have him spend the last years of his miserable existence in a cage.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You should probably tell him now before he decides to spit in a tube and send it off to 23andme or ancestry.com for kicks and unexplained relatives start popping up in his results. Hell his children or grandchildren could decide to do something along those lines which could result in the same thing.

And it would be a shame for your son to find all this out after you've both passed and he'd be unable to get any answers from either of you. 

As for your ex wife I don't see what the point in confronting her would be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StillSearching said:


> Well, It's not easy to walk up to your 22 year old son and say "I need to swab your mouth....".


Tell him that you want to do a DNA test with Ancestry, or some site like that. 

You can also get a DNA/paternity test from the drugstore. 

Do both tests so he thinks it's about finding out ancestry.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Still....are you saying your ex had an affair or that you both had artificial insemination and the doc used his sperm?


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

He has the right to know. Tell ExWW you know and are going to get a DNA check done. Then tell your son and do the check. In that order. Regardless of the outcome you are his father regardless. 
Buffer


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am in the tell him camp. I think everyone has the right to know where they came from.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Why does he need to know? Whose best interests are served by giving him that information - yours or his?
> 
> If you have been the only father he's ever actually known, just exactly what benefit will this new knowledge bring him? You might argue that he deserves to know his real father. I would counter that he already does.


He needs to know because of problems a lack of genetic history might cause. 

Also, there was a case in Britain where a marriage between two gay men had to be stopped because it transpired that the mother of one of them had cheated and they were brothers so unable to marry.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I've lived with this issue for over 40 years. My wife was adopted from Germany by Americans after WWII and has spent her life obsessed with 'knowing' who her father was. It's based partly on health issues but also a basic human need to know where they came from (it's a common motivation in adopted folks - I can't really explain it). 

Her naturalization papers included the adoption paperwork (and the mothers name & address). The mother later married and had two daughters (half sisters) - but neither she (or aunts & uncles) would identify the father.

Good advice to DNA first and then try to pick a relatively good time. IMO your son will think more of you for choosing to be his father. Be sure to explain why you waited (he'll ask).

In view of all the DNA testing he will find out eventually. Better to find out now than later when he or his future wife or kids do a DNA test and discover you're not in the family tree.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So...wait...your wife had an affair with her gynecologist? I don't understand this story.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

The above fascinates me. I'm adopted and never felt that need for "the truth." Never felt incomplete. Nothing.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

bandit.45 said:


> So...wait...your wife had an affair with her gynecologist? I don't understand this story.


I don't either. A giant piece of this story is missing.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The truth will come out. One way or another. I would tell him.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So she cheated with her doctor? Can't you lose your medical license (or whatever it's called) or right to practice for that? 

And before telling your son, I'd suggest talking to your wife about this, to see what she says. 
Now I'm sure she'll lie to you more than a politician, and beg you to not do/say anything, because she either knows the truth and doesn't want it coming out, or doesn't want to be embarrassed, or some other superficial reason. But maybe she'll be forthcoming. Never hurts. Compare details, see if timelines add up. Sounds like it was 22 years ago, so I am guessing the memories are a little hazy for everyone. 

And something else, (also take this with a grain of salt, my relationship with the man who raised me was is VERY different from the one it seems that you have) a paternity test is a Pandora box. Once you open it, you can't close it. 

Additionally, there are a lot of things to consider here. 
Once you know the truth, you can't unknow it. Think long and hard before you open. 
Does your son need to know? For medical reasons, probably. But, how will that impact your and his relationship? 
Additionally, how will that impact your son? Your and his relationships. Whatever the relationship with his mom, I imagine that will be strained, if it isn't already (sounded like it was?) 
And how this will impact his future relationships? Maybe he'll become cold and uncaring, or untrusting, never wanting a wife or kids. Or maybe it will be the complete opposite (though that would be a surprise) 

Not saying you shouldn't. Just saying these are all things to consider.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StillSearching said:


> I have recently found out that my son is not likely biologically mine. He's 22 I've always suspected it. He lives with me, I've divorced his mother. *He is one of many, many children the GYN has fathered over the years.* I think he needs to know. It's a secret my ex wants to take to the grave. I'm not bitter about it now. I love my son. My ex does not know that I'm on to it. What should I do?


Could you please clarify this. You say that the GYN has fathered many, many children. This does not necessarily sound like your wife, or the other women who gave birth to children he fathered, slept with the GYN. It sounds more like on of those strange cases in which a GYN misuses his own sperm for things like invitro fertilization. 

I think this is a very important issue and clearing it up would help those trying to help you here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My son is adopted. I read a lot of books on the topic of how to handle telling a child that they are adopted (or not the biological child of the parent(s) who raised them.)

All the sources said to not make it a secret, to tell the child from the very beginning about their adoption. If this is the story of their live and family that they hear from day one, it usually does not cause any problems. We did this with our son. He is very well adjusted. That does not mean that he has not struggled with the topic from time to time.

What the source I read said that when a child's parentage is kept secret while growing up, then they find out that they are not their parent's biological child during late teens, early 20's it's very hard on the child. Suddenly their entire life is a lie. A lot of children that find out about the "big secret" go through a few years of reevaluating their entire lives. They often turn on their adopted parents and family for lying to them for their entire life.

My point is that while you did not adopt your son (go through the legal process), if you and/or your wife has known about the chance that you are not his biological father all this time the fact that it's been hidden from him for years can back fire on him and on both you and your wife. This is why I suggested a way to do the paternity test with him not knowing what you are doing. If it turns out that your son is your biological son, then he has not need to know of your suspicion.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I am also an affair child who has grown into an adult. My bio-father was married, my mother was his AP. I was the result of their relationship. He stayed with his wife and the children of their marriage. My mom raised me as a single mother for a few years and then she met Dad. I was so young when they met I have no memories from before, and I looked like my Dad's sisters, so if they hadn't told me I probably wouldn't have known. I think you should tell him. I grew up knowing, so there was no big reveal, but if I didn't know I'd certainly have wanted to.

As an adult with a few health conditions, it sure would have be nice to have the other half of my family medical history. An disorder I developed and some heart trouble that followed in my 30's may have been discovered sooner, but without the family history the docs were flying blind and had no idea the best places to start looking, which delayed diagnosis over years of testing.

I'm not very curious about my bio-father, but I would have liked to meet my siblings and other relatives of his that would be interested in meeting me. Unfortunately, my mother died very unexpectedly when I was just turning 21 and took any information I could have used to find him to the grave with her. At the time, I was young and didn't care. Later, I cared but there was nothing to be done. Those relatives are forever lost to me.

One of the first things Dad said to me when Mom died was that Mom being gone wouldn't change the fact that he was my father and always would be. He wasn't just my dad because he was my mom's life partner (they were together 18 years, but never married), but he was my dad because he wanted to be. I was a hellion and a very smart one. I'm amazed he put up with me. I'm 44 now and he's still my Dad and Grandpa to my kids.

So, tell him. Have the DNA test. If he's yours, great! If he's not yours biologically, he's still your son. He'll have the opportunity to find out who his bio father is and decide what he wants to do with that information. As is his right.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Robert222 wrote, *My wife was adopted from Germany by Americans after WWII and has spent her life obsessed with 'knowing' who her father was. It's based partly on health issues but also a basic human need to know where they came from (it's a common motivation in adopted folks - I can't really explain it). *

As an adopted person I can explain, at least for myself, that it's a bit like a long ago rugswept affair that no one tells you about, but everyone knows about except you. You sense that you haven't gotten the truth, and that people are witholding the truth from you. The lying to you is the same, even though it is done with paternal presumption for your own good.

I frequently had people tell me I didn't seem like I belonged in my adoptive family, so in some cases there is also an instinctive sense of being different, perhaps it's externally reinforced or internally or both, but it does seem real. 

It's also part of our identity, your adoptive family comes with relatives & such, but there is a slight feeling of dishonesty when I say so and so was my Grand Father. People don't ask who is your real Grand Father, but you would at least like to have the answer. 

I tracked down both sides of my Biological family and I'm glad I did. I no longer wondered who they were or where they are, it's also like not knowing who your spouse had an affair with.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

*TAMAT - thanks for sharing!*


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

A family member of mine found out that he had a 60 year old child from an affair. He knocked up his AP, then moved his family halfway across the country, the child was placed for adoption, and that was that... until the affair child did Ancestry DNA or 23andMe and insisted on contact. Then he had to tell his wife that he cheated on her 60 years ago and a daughter... after they were never able to conceive at that. The truth always comes out... 

Better for him to know now than when you're long gone and his bio family is long gone and he can't get whatever answers he wants. 

Another relative of mine, her mom was adopted and wanted to find her birth parents but died before she was able to do that (early 20's). Her daughter wanted to find her birth grandparents/family but was unable to because her mom and grandparents were gone, and the adoption was closed, so there was no way to get the info. 

So even if your son doesn't want to know and leaves it alone, his future kids may want to explore that path. It doesn't really "end" with your son.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I don't know if you should or shouldn't tell him. I mean in one sense it is likely to destroy his identity and have him question lots of things including his place in your life. On the other hand his might want to know his biological parents.

I do know that just because you know who your bio dad is doesn't mean you will find out any pertinent information about medical history. Bio dad doesn't have to tell you anything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rather you tell him than he finds out later.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

OP, I have a question for you. 

I don't entirely understand the situation regarding the marriage, affair, when you found out, etc., 
But you said you always suspected it, yet you still raised him, etc., 

If you always suspected it, why did you raise him? I don't think paternity testing was around 20+ years ago, but there was still the blood test you could've done.
Additionally, if you suspected he wasn't yours, I assume you suspected an affair. Why did you stay (assuming you stayed for a while? Again, didn't get much from the limited postings here). 

Also, you say you've always suspected. How does that not eat away at you? From the few discussions I had with the man that was tricked into raising me, he like you, suspected, but could never be sure. He always had that nagging thought in the back of his head, like "Did he actually get his height from me? Did he get his math skills from me? He sure is messy, did he get that from me?" Among a host of other questions that I'm sure bounced around. 

Lastly, how have you not developed resentment? You've provided for and raised this child, that is potentially not yours, that you've suspected is not yours, for 22 years (think you said that was the age?). Maybe even helped with college? 
How do you not resent the child for the difficulties it must have been? The late nights as a baby he would stay up crying, or all the food he would eat as a kid, or the expenses as a kid like braces, or vacations to Disney World or whatever. How do you not resent having to pay all these expenses for a child that isn't biologically yours? 

I don't ask these questions to get a rise out of you. I ask these questions, because I want to know what's it like when the reaction is very different from the one I experienced upon learning my parentage.


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## JMJ13 (Jun 11, 2020)

Cletus said:


> Why does he need to know? Whose best interests are served by giving him that information - yours or his?
> 
> If you have been the only father he's ever actually known, just exactly what benefit will this new knowledge bring him? You might argue that he deserves to know his real father. I would counter that he already does.





We'll said! I agree!


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Just putting myself in your shoes. If I thought there was a chance my adult son wasn't mine, I'd sit down with him and explain that this issue has come up. I'd then tell him it doesn't matter at all to me; that he's my son and if there's a sperm donor that doesn't change anything. And then I'd ask if he has any interest in doing a test just to know, and to explore possible medical history or to perhaps meet a biological family. I'd be clear that I'm totally supportive no matter what and that nothing will ever cause me to feel differently. And that I won't be at all jealous if he wants to meet his biological dad or other relatives. That if he can have relationships with them, that's great. But that our relationship is our relationship no matter what, that I was the one who raised him and has always been there for him, and that in my heart that's the definition of what it means to be a dad. That it's not about genetics, it's about love and commitment.


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## MMH (Jul 19, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> I have recently found out that my son is not likely biologically mine. He's 22 I've always suspected it. He lives with me, I've divorced his mother. He is one of many, many children the GYN has fathered over the years. I think he needs to know. It's a secret my ex wants to take to the grave. I'm not bitter about it now. I love my son. My ex does not know that I'm on to it. What should I do?





StillSearching said:


> I have recently found out that my son is not likely biologically mine. He's 22 I've always suspected it. He lives with me, I've divorced his mother. He is one of many, many children the GYN has fathered over the years. I think he needs to know. It's a secret my ex wants to take to the grave. I'm not bitter about it now. I love my son. My ex does not know that I'm on to it. What should I do?


First, I’m sorry for you & your son. Clearly, your ex is selfish & continues her manipulating behavior by suggesting you keep her secret.
I’m all about honesty. Your son has a right to know the truth and so do you. I’d start by telling him your story. “Mother had an extramarital affair which is why we’re no longer together. There is a possibility you may not be biologically related to me. I love you regardless of this possibility because I am your Dad. However, if you would like confirmation, we can go get DNA testing together. Your mother didn’t want me to tell you but you’re a man now & someday may have children of your own. Therefore, you deserve the truth.”
Please note, this is a lot of information & quite shocking. Your son likely has suspicions of his own. Children are not stupid. He may get very emotional or angry. In my family, it is a known fact my husband’s ex-wife had numerous extramarital affairs. He has a daughter. Neither of them has ever broached the subject of DNA testing. They’ll never consider it. In my husband’s words, his daughter looks like him and his family. He cannot fathom she’s not his. So, we respect that. It’s life. There are probably lots of children out there who were conceived in marriage who are not related biologically to the father...you could seek counseling to help you with your dilemma and your approach ( should you confront your son). Everyone benefits from life coaching.
Good luck!


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## white oak (Mar 17, 2019)

bobert said:


> I think he has the right to know but I wouldn't want to dump that news on him without it being confirmed. Is there a way to find out for sure before dumping that on him? Like doing 23andMe or something and having the results go to you.
> 
> If not, I would tell him about it and ask him if he needs/wants a DNA test or not. Tell him you support his decision either way, are his dad regardless and won't be offended if he wants to explore that path. If he doesn't, then leave it at that. He's your son regardless.


Speaking from same scenario without DNA needed, I believe all three need to have that discussion together. When I had talked to my ex about telling my 20-year-old daughter, he agreed to be there with me. When it came time for the meeting, he wanted no part of it. He raised her as his, knew she wasn't his from the beginning.
When I told her, she asked a some questions, I answered, we shed some tears about it. Now, even though most of the family knew all along, I am the one she doesn't speak to. I feel like she has probably asked my ex some questions and has only gotten what he wanted her to hear. Nobody will talk about it and it isn't from my lack of trying.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

white oak said:


> Speaking from same scenario without DNA needed, I believe all three need to have that discussion together. When I had talked to my ex about telling my 20-year-old daughter, he agreed to be there with me. When it came time for the meeting, he wanted no part of it. He raised her as his, knew she wasn't his from the beginning.
> When I told her, she asked a some questions, I answered, we shed some tears about it. Now, even though most of the family knew all along, I am the one she doesn't speak to. I feel like she has probably asked my ex some questions and has only gotten what he wanted her to hear. Nobody will talk about it and it isn't from my lack of trying.


was DD result of an affair?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I found a place that does DNA testing using all sorts of samples that can be obtained without telling our son.







Forensic DNA Testing, Blood and Hair DNA Testing


Specialised forensic DNA testing performed by an accredited laboratory. Forensic tests that include blood DNA testing, cigarettes and semen testing.




www.easy-dna.com


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> I have recently found out that my son is not likely biologically mine. He's 22 I've always suspected it. He lives with me, I've divorced his mother. He is one of many, many children the GYN has fathered over the years. I think he needs to know. It's a secret my ex wants to take to the grave. I'm not bitter about it now. I love my son. My ex does not know that I'm on to it. What should I do?


Please don't tell him. Just love him and let him have the security of feeling you are his dad 100%, and not some guy with "lots and lots of kids" who doesn't care about him. This would rock my world, I wouldn't want to know. Medically, doctors don't need parental info to find out what your risks and whatnot are anymore, so there is NO reason to tell him other than you want to stick it to your ex or you are ok with hurting your kid, so please don't.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

white oak said:


> Speaking from same scenario without DNA needed, I believe all three need to have that discussion together. When I had talked to my ex about telling my 20-year-old daughter, he agreed to be there with me. When it came time for the meeting, he wanted no part of it. He raised her as his, knew she wasn't his from the beginning.
> When I told her, she asked a some questions, I answered, we shed some tears about it. Now, even though most of the family knew all along, I am the one she doesn't speak to. I feel like she has probably asked my ex some questions and has only gotten what he wanted her to hear. Nobody will talk about it and it isn't from my lack of trying.


Maybe the reason she's upset is because you cheated on her father?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Broken at 20 said:


> Lastly, how have you not developed resentment? You've provided for and raised this child, that is potentially not yours, that you've suspected is not yours, for 22 years (think you said that was the age?). Maybe even helped with college?
> How do you not resent the child for the difficulties it must have been? The late nights as a baby he would stay up crying, or all the food he would eat as a kid, or the expenses as a kid like braces, or vacations to Disney World or whatever. How do you not resent having to pay all these expenses for a child that isn't biologically yours?


Personally, my answer to this would be "because DNA or not it's still my child" and I chose to accept and raise her as my child. My daughter was conceived from an affair and I knew from day 1 that she wasn't mine (we didn't have sex that month so...). In the beginning there WAS a ton of resentment and I really wanted nothing to do with her. My name wasn't on her birth certificate, she didn't have my last name, I wouldn't help with her, etc. Every time she had issues or cried, yep, resentment popped up. It took me a couple years to start developing a relationship with her. Now, I fork over thousands and thousands of dollars a year for her expenses, and I'm never resentful. That's my daughter and that money is spent on her hobbies, health, memories, etc. She needs braces and the total dental/orthodontic bill will be around $12k. Granted, her sperm donor is paying half but I'd rather he didn't honestly. It's my daughter, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of her, and I want nothing to do with him. I've had my moments, but she's just as much my child as my boys are.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> your adoptive family comes with relatives & such, but there is a slight feeling of dishonesty when I say so and so was my Grand Father. People don't ask who is your real Grand Father, but you would at least like to have the answer.
> 
> I tracked down both sides of my Biological family and I'm glad I did. I no longer wondered who they were or where they are,


I disagree a little. While I am not adopted, my mother was. I got to know her adopted parents. They WERE MY grandparents, especially after my mom's mom lived with us, when I was young. A lot of my cultural upbringing comes from those adopted parents. Christmas and other holidays are all influenced by who they were.

In my family tree I show both my mom's biological parents and her adopted parents and their respective lineage. We are all shaped by both DNA and culture. I feel that culture has a much stronger influence on most people. In the battle of nature versus nurture, I favor nurture.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> I disagree a little. While I am not adopted, my mother was. I got to know her adopted parents. They WERE MY grandparents, especially after my mom's mom lived with us, when I was young. A lot of my cultural upbringing comes from those adopted parents. Christmas and other holidays are all influenced by who they were.
> 
> In my family tree I show both my mom's biological parents and her adopted parents and their respective lineage. We are all shaped by both DNA and culture. I feel that culture has a much stronger influence on most people. In the battle of nature versus nurture, I favor nurture.


I disagree too.

My parents are my parents. When I called my grandfather grandfather it wasn't some lie.

Other people's subtle implication that adoptive families aren't real families due to their own dysfunctional issues makes me somewhat angry, TBH


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## white oak (Mar 17, 2019)

oldtruck said:


> was DD result of an affair?


You could call it an affair. My ex and I were still married, but separated.


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## white oak (Mar 17, 2019)

secretsheriff said:


> Maybe the reason she's upset is because you cheated on her father?


Yes that could be. I won't deny it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't know if you should or shouldn't tell him. I mean in one sense it is likely to destroy his identity and have him question lots of things including his place in your life. On the other hand his might want to know his biological parents.
> 
> I do know that just because you know who your bio dad is doesn't mean you will find out any pertinent information about medical history. Bio dad doesn't have to tell you anything.



I'm not a big fan of telling this kind of thing for the reasons you stated. I don't know the chances of him ever finding out so that reason for full disclosure is speculative. Whether the son "deserves to know" is a matter of opinion. If he never finds out, I just can't see the harm in that. So, I personally don't believe he deserves to know unless he's already suspicious and asking questions. I'm not sure how many opining would want something like this dropped, out of the blue, on them if they were in your sons situation. 
Additionally, it kind of rubs me the wrong way when someone sez to tell him than immediately explain he'll always be your son. It's kind of like, "Hey junior, I've got some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is you're not really my son. The good news is I've always loved you like a son." Therein is the problem White Oak. If and when he finds out, you will become to him the guy who treated me just like he was my real father. The phrase "bastard child" may take on a whole new meaning for him. Sorry man, I'm pointing out the harsh down side and there ain't no way around it. The grand gesture of full disclosure can bite you in the ass.
If I were in your shoes, and the young man finds out, it wouldn't be from me. If he ever asked why I didn't tell him, my response would be, "Son, I didn't want you know and I wished you'd never found out. I've always wanted you to believe I was your real father."


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I recently found out you need to be careful with 23&me.

My son had it done and about a year latter I purchased 3 test kits (for me, my wife, and daughter) primarily because my daughter had done an Ancestry kit and she shared that she got some very unexpected results. All this was over a year ago. My daughter's results was because she was reading the info provided wrong.

Last week I looked at both my wife and my 23&me accounts and was shocked to see that a new DNA "predicted relative" had been added to my wife's account. 23&me said it was a half sister to my wife. I told her "Guess what...23&me says you have a half sister..one your Dad had to have fathered when he was about 13 years old". Turns out it was my wife's aunt (her father's youngest sister) who had just done a kit. 

End thread jack.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your son needs to know. Do you want him getting involved romantically with a half-sister? It's been known to happen. Plus, the health history makes this a no-brainer. Please don't deny your son his right to know his origins. How disrespectful that would be.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

syhoybenden said:


> It would be in his best interest to know of any inherited genetic tendencies towards, say, heart disease, diabetes, various cancers, Alzheimer's, or any of a myriad of conditions. My boys, for example, both know that at age 40 they must start annual PSA testing.


My situation exactly. Turned out I am his biological father - in the hope that, should he be diagnosed with prostate cancer, it will be discovered at stage 1 - my son started PSA tests at 43.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Kamstel2 said:


> How long ago did you find out?
> 
> it is imperative that you tell your son, for medical reasons. It is important to find out if there might be any hereditary diseases.
> 
> is the gyno still practicing? If so, I would destroy his practice.


The day I started this thread.
The GYN has 17 children and has lost his licence.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Could you please clarify this. You say that the GYN has fathered many, many children. This does not necessarily sound like your wife, or the other women who gave birth to children he fathered, slept with the GYN. It sounds more like on of those strange cases in which a GYN misuses his own sperm for things like invitro fertilization.
> 
> I think this is a very important issue and clearing it up would help those trying to help you here.


This is true.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> was DD result of an affair?


Well in a way. I'm sure he seduced her like all the other girls. He has a few houses that he would go between to meet them.
I felt it then that she was probably meeting him. My life at that point was hell. 
She called yesterday begging me to give her a heads up if I ask him to take a test.
BTW, she completely denies any affair with this guy, even though I caught her in 5 affairs.....


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Well in a way. I'm sure he seduced her like all the other girls. He has a few houses that he would go between to meet them.
> I felt it then that she was probably meeting him. My life at that point was hell.
> She called yesterday begging me to give her a heads up if I ask him to take a test.
> BTW, she completely denies any affair with this guy, even though I caught her in 5 affairs.....


 time to take that DNA test


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

still you owe your ex-wife absolutely nothing...absolutely nothing...who you handle this with your son is your business, what aftermath he may have with his mom is her problem.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If your son agrees take the test any time. Your WW has no say in it. Ignore her.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> If your son agrees take the test any time. Your WW has no say in it. Ignore her.


I disagree. She's your son's mother. You guys are going to be at the same weddings and graduations. You're going to have the same grandchildren. You have to face this as a family. What she did was wrong but that doesn't mean you have to hate her forever. It's sometimes necessary to be angry for a while but hopefully it need not be toxic. The way I see it, if you and your ex can't make peace, everyone loses. Both of you, the children, grandchildren -- everyone.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Parallax857 said:


> I disagree. She's your son's mother. You guys are going to be at the same weddings and graduations. You're going to have the same grandchildren. You have to face this as a family. What she did was wrong but that doesn't mean you have to hate her forever. It's sometimes necessary to be angry for a while but hopefully it need not be toxic. The way I see it, if you and your ex can't make peace, everyone loses. Both of you, the children, grandchildren -- everyone.


I'm with Bandit.45

I didn't make peace with my XW (I left her no choice but to move out some 25+ years ago). 

I doubt she would be amenable - apparently "she never talks about you" - I suspect that it's a chapter of her life she can't spin as a victory so it didn't happen. But even if she were I will not do anything that enables her to excuse her behaviour and pass it off to families as "we're friends so I can't have been that bad can I?" "He must have been cheating as well otherwise he wouldn't have anything to do with me" or whatever.

The kids were middle/late teens when she moved out - I saw her necessarily 3-5 times in the first year (and she, entirely pointlessly, lied to me on one of them) and have had no contact since. 

No weddings (yet - they're in their 40s) - but if she goes I don't. It's that simple. The kids know what happened - at least I've let them know - though it may not coincide with her telling. She created the situation so if my kids don't like the consequences they need to address the guilty, not the innocent. Part of my job as a parent was to demonstrate that not everyone renounces their integrity for a quick thrill - I'm still their parent.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Well in a way. I'm sure he seduced her like all the other girls. He has a few houses that he would go between to meet them.
> I felt it then that she was probably meeting him. My life at that point was hell.
> She called yesterday begging me to give her a heads up if I ask him to take a test.
> BTW, she completely denies any affair with this guy, even though I caught her in 5 affairs.....


Maybe it wasn't him but he is still not your bio kid. Someone like this lady's life is affairs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Parallax857 said:


> I disagree. She's your son's mother. You guys are going to be at the same weddings and graduations. You're going to have the same grandchildren. You have to face this as a family. What she did was wrong but that doesn't mean you have to hate her forever. It's sometimes necessary to be angry for a while but hopefully it need not be toxic. The way I see it, if you and your ex can't make peace, everyone loses. Both of you, the children, grandchildren -- everyone.


What she is is inconsequential. Doesn't mean you hate her but let her son tell her if he is taking the test, you are not married to her anymore.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Parallax857 said:


> I disagree. She's your son's mother. You guys are going to be at the same weddings and graduations. You're going to have the same grandchildren. You have to face this as a family. What she did was wrong but that doesn't mean you have to hate her forever. It's sometimes necessary to be angry for a while but hopefully it need not be toxic. The way I see it, if you and your ex can't make peace, everyone loses. Both of you, the children, grandchildren -- everyone.


Unless I miss my thread, OP's wife was a horrible cheater. 

And she left him and the family, he does not owe her ANYTHING... 

He can have whatever relationship he wants to with his kids, bio or not. 

Why should he even think about making peace with her... good grief... 

And please don't talk to me about forgiveness, he can forgive her for himself, and he still does not have to give a crap what she thinks about anything.

Wow...


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

cp3o said:


> I'm with Bandit.45
> 
> I didn't make peace with my XW (I left her no choice but to move out some 25+ years ago).
> 
> ...


I think that's tragic. Your kids can't have both their parents at their weddings and one of you doesn't get to go. My daughter married last year and it was maybe the best day of my life. I got to walk her down the aisle. Mainly I got to see her so happy. Your willingness to let bygone be bygones doesn't give her a free pass. It gives you one. And the kids. And it shows you're bigger than all of that.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Parallax857 said:


> I think that's tragic. Your kids can't have both their parents at their weddings and one of you doesn't get to go. My daughter married last year and it was maybe the best day of my life. I got to walk her down the aisle. Mainly I got to see her so happy. Your willingness to let bygone be bygones doesn't give her a free pass. It gives you one. And the kids. And it shows you're bigger than all of that.


You may think it tragic if you wish - you're probably a very nice person. Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking me one also.

Try being married to a psychopath (used in the technical rather than the tabloid headline meaning) for 25 years - 13 of them protecting your kids from a mother with zero empathy, zero compassion, zero conscience, a pathological liar who had to have whatever her instant whim demanded - a cream cake or someone else's husband ("I had to have him"). 

Someone who set child against child, promoting one as "the golden child" and taking every opportunity to blame the other (the "scapegoat"). Someone who left their kids aged 3 and 4 beyond her sight and hearing in a situation where they could have been hurt, abducted, whatever - for ten minutes on her back with her "best friend"'s husband. And when, a few months later, after I'd got the evidence to force the admission I expected, told me about leaving them at risk, without context or any pressure, without any inflection in her voice, without any clue as to how normal people would view such behaviour - nothing, it was like she was telling a workmate what she ate for breakfast. 

Someone who was so desperate to bring me down to her level that her (subsequent) best friend, at an opportunity set up by my XW, offered me sex; and when that didn't work set up a dinner invite which was clearly intended to lead to the four couples present having a post coffee "good time".

One of my kids hasn't spoken to me for twenty years - because of the lies fed, drip-by-drip, by its mother. Yes - psychopaths desperately try to turn their kids against the non-psychopathic parent. The other was promised a new life - she stole enough of their money to ensure they are stuck co-dependant with her. 

And yes, I know we are talking about an inherited condition, you find out a lot once you start looking - she cannot act differently, even if she was capable of wanting to.

Now......................

You get through that with your sanity reasonably intact, successful in your career and a good 20 year subsequent relationship. You learn that the only, the only, recommended way to protect yourself after such an experience is to cut the psychopath out of your life - permanently - and then tell me about how big you are by letting bygones be bygones. You cannot win with a psychopath - the world, as they view it, is not a place where anyone other than them can be a winner - not even equal - everyone else, always .....LOSER.

Sorry - not personal - anyone writing what you wrote, with the best and most genuine intentions no doubt - would have drawn the same response.

We should all walk a mile in someone else's shoes before giving them advice about how to treat corns shouldn't we.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

cp3o said:


> You may think it tragic if you wish - you're probably a very nice person. Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking me one also.
> 
> Try being married to a psychopath (used in the technical rather than the tabloid headline meaning) for 25 years - 13 of them protecting your kids from a mother with zero empathy, zero compassion, zero conscience, a pathological liar who had to have whatever her instant whim demanded - a cream cake or someone else's husband ("I had to have him").
> 
> ...


Well, actually, I have two children with a first wife who had severe mental health issues. She cheated on me. I found out from the guy's wife. They were our neighbors and he was supposedly my friend. She did everything in her power to take me down. It was horrible. I was a law student at the time. She served me with divorce papers during first semester finals. Unless you've been through law school in the U.S., you can't know how stressful those first finals are. She did this deliberately. And a thousand other things.

I'm sure you're familiar with the saying that anger is like swallowing poison and thinking you're harming someone else. It doesn't work. Anger typically covers over hurt and/or fear. I recommend facing the pain rather than masking it with anger.

As you pointed out, your wife was sick. Just as my wife was sick. We married them. We can't turn around and act like total victims. I mean, looking back there were a million signs for me. I'm sure there were for you too. We ignored them because of our own wounds, our own baggage. Sounds like you learned from it, which is great.

My daughter didn't invite her mom to the wedding. Mom abandoned our kids when they were 8 and 3. Met a guy who didn't want her to have kids and so they took off. I asked my daughter if she was inviting her mom. She said no. I said, "It's not your fault your mom left and you can do whatever you want. My opinion is your mom was ill and she did the best she could. And if you can forgive her, it will help you." She chose not to go there so I didn't push it. I was invited, thank God, and asked to walk her down the aisle. What an amazing day -- walking her down the aisle, toasting the bride and groom, doing the father-daughter dance, having the most incredible day of my life -- and I felt bad that my ex couldn't be there.

The way I see it, if you or I were perfected we wouldn't hold anger. If you or I were Jesus or the Buddha or whomever you consider a truly enlightened being, we would feel sorry for someone so lost. We would never lack compassion, even for behavior that's evil. We'd see the tragedy of it, as well as the tragedy of the suffering of their victims.

I don't think one can fake forgiveness. That's spiritual bypass and it's not healthy. One walks a path that eventually leads to forgiveness. It starts with compassion for oneself. By looking at the pain, giving it space, grieving -- all of which naturally leads, eventually, if all goes well, to letting go.

I gave my twenties to this woman who was not kind. I'd say it was a mistake but how can I when I have these two incredible children to show for it? How can I when I've learned so much from it? How can I when it caused me to forsake corporate law -- I graduated at the top of my law school class -- to do, of all things, divorce law. I felt that maybe I could help people. Eventually I thought myself a fool and was ready to give it up and do my best to pick up the pieces of my shattered career. Then I discovered this thing called Collaborative Divorce in which one helps people turn back to the truth of who they are and divorce with love, kindness and empathy. It is possible. Not for everyone but for most. The results can be beautiful.

Had I not had an insane wife, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have this amazing career that I love. I feel bad for our kids. That they didn't get a decent mom. That's what I feel sad about. But as I've said, it took time to get to this place. If you had asked me a year or two after everything came apart, I would have expressed grief that I had wasted my youth (that's how I saw it at the time) with this horrible monster.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Parallax857 said:


> I think that's tragic. *Your kids can't have both their parents at their weddings* and one of you doesn't get to go. My daughter married last year and it was maybe the best day of my life. I got to walk her down the aisle. Mainly I got to see her so happy. Your willingness to let bygone be bygones doesn't give her a free pass. It gives you one. And the kids. And it shows you're bigger than all of that.


Exactly why I eloped. I thought it was sad that I didn't get to share my special day with anyone except my husband. But my mom refused to go if my dad did. My dad cheated and I don't appreciate that about him. But you are punishing the child not the adult. And no I am not going to blame my dad because my mom can't act like an adult for 5 hours. That's on her. They also didn't get notified when I went into labor. My In-laws did because even though they are divorced they can tolerate each other when needed. My mom and dad had to wait until I could schedule their viewings. Since my Daughter went into the ICU it would have been nice to have a parent there.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I have adult children. The thought has crossed my mind that, gee, what if one of them wasn't really mine? That is a natural biological fear and possibility with fathers. I'm in between you guys on this.

Learning this would not ruin my love for my kids - I raised them with vigor and love and I couldn't imagine them not being an enormous part of my life. At the same time, it would absolutely matter. It would crush me. It's one of the biggest fears a father has. Especially one that's invested so much emotion and time into a child. I would be absolutely devastated and probably need about 2 months of complete isolation from the family to process it all. I'd also be worried that my child would feel differently about me and be the one to distance him/herself. 

And, my marriage would absolutely be over. In this case, it already is, so that's not on the table.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is drifting off into a general discussion of general issues that are not relevant to the question asked.


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## Erysimum (Jun 20, 2020)

As much as this conversation is riveting, it is also off-topic and unhelpful. OP, in my opinion, I would keep it to myself for now. COVID panic has got many people in stressful places and now is not the best time to bring up potentially life-changing information to your young adult. When things have settled down, or you feel your son is in a stable place, it would be better to bring this up to him. As for the time being, if him not being your biological son changes nothing then nothing needs to change. It's good that you love your son.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*I just deleted a very long, argumentative thread jack that is of no help to the OP. Anyone who continues this thread jack will enjoy a few days time-out ban to contemplate how to provide support for the OP instead of thread jacking.*

{Speaking as a moderator.}


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You might tell him he may not be biologically yours, but he is 100% your son


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

With Ancestry.com, and other similar sources, its just a matter of time before he finds out the truth. There a multitude of stories about children finding out their true heritage through these sites and then being devastated by the bombshell being dropped on them. It is also a medical worry that he will need to know his background in the future. The question is not whether you should do this, but why your XWW would stand in the way of this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

skerzoid said:


> With Ancestry.com, and other similar sources, its just a matter of time before he finds out the truth. There a multitude of stories about children finding out their true heritage through these sites and then being devastated by the bombshell being dropped on them. It is also a medical worry that he will need to know his background in the future. The question is not whether you should do this, but why your XWW would stand in the way of this.


And the OP gets to be seen as a liar, too. Which isn't a good idea.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> And the OP gets to be seen as a liar, too. Which isn't a good idea.


I have thought about that.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

If you tell him, you'll have some control over how he understands your involvement in things. If you've departed this world by the time he finds out, he might be stuck with unresolved questions. You're probably the only person who will honestly help him answer those questions so he can make peace with it.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Update: My son came to me and wanted to get a DNA test after his mother started talking to him about that other man.
Test came back......HE IS MY SON!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CONGRATS on this. I bet you are STILL smiling (and he is).
One thing I never saw cleared up -- did your wife have an affair with her gyno, or was this some sort of twisted thing he did with in-vitro?
For EITHER, I hope someone (you?) gave him up to the Board to be removed as a Dr.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you see the actual official lab results? I hope to God there wasn't any affiliation whatsoever with her old gyno. I mean, these days, professional integrity is a vanishing virtue. Too much crap going on behind the facade.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

syhoybenden said:


> Did you see the actual official lab results? I hope to God there wasn't any affiliation whatsoever with her old gyno. I mean, these days, professional integrity is a vanishing virtue. Too much crap going on behind the facade.


Yes we did it though an independent lab.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> CONGRATS on this. I bet you are STILL smiling (and he is).
> One thing I never saw cleared up -- did your wife have an affair with her gyno, or was this some sort of twisted thing he did with in-vitro?
> For EITHER, I hope someone (you?) gave him up to the Board to be removed as a Dr.


He has lost his license and some young girl turned him in. Yes my ex wife had an affair with him, as well as others.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Update: My son came to me and wanted to get a DNA test after his mother started talking to him about that other man.
> Test came back......HE IS MY SON!


That's great! 

Hopefully that is the last you have to deal with your ex besides standing next to her to take pictures.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

stillsearching is your WW still with her OM, or any relationship?

why WW's decision, need, to finally tell your son the truth?

I am glad that you had the test done, and happier about the good news.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Update: My son came to me and wanted to get a DNA test after his mother started talking to him about that other man.
> Test came back......HE IS MY SON!


A son is resurrected.
Fearsome, dread and animosity can now be replaced, and re-buried in that anxiety-ridden place.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Update: My son came to me and wanted to get a DNA test after his mother started talking to him about that other man.
> Test came back......HE IS MY SON!


You have won the lottery in life.
You have an heir.
You can now breathe again......fresh air.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Wow. Just read your thread. I share your relief, went through something similar myself, doing DNA tests on my adult children because of their cheating mother. I am happy for you.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Test came back......HE IS MY SON!


Great news! I'm happy for both of you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Congrats!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds to me like you don't really know if he's yours or not. Sounds like you're just wanting to rock the boat and get back at his mother.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Update: My son came to me and wanted to get a DNA test after his mother started talking to him about that other man.
> Test came back......HE IS MY SON!


Oh I am so so glad for you, this is absolutely wonderful news!


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