# His porn addiction



## familygirl

If any of you have been reading my previous posts you will see some of the issues that came before this.

I asked my partner to leave after he stayed out all night after an argument last week and told him not to come back until he told me a few truths.

REwind to a few years ago. I caught him with porn on the computer a few times and he lied about it. Promising he wont do it again.

The night he stayed out I begged him to come home numerous times but he got nasty saying we were over, he was at his brothers and begged me not to contact him because he needed his sleep.

After I asked him to leave he phoned the next morning saying he was leaving work to go to the doctors because he felt he was cracking up and could he come here after to be honest and tell me some truths. I said yes.

When he arrived he told me the doctor had put him on anti-depressants for stress.And he confessed to me that he was addicted to porn. He said he was up at his bothers looking at porn(even when i begged him to come home because i was distraught and he said he needed sleep!) He also had a lock on his phone because chat sites were contacting him and on his way to work he would buy porn mags and masterbate in the train station toilets.

I always felt he was hiding stuff from me. I was right. I never refused my partner sex. I am now numb and he is begging for another chance and can I be there to support him while he works through these problems and visits a counsellor whilst taking the meds.

I feel this is an attempt at a guilt trip but I also dont want to leave him when he is feeling this low but I am still hurt and dont trust him because he has lied to me in the 3 years we have been together.

I dont know what to do?


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## happy as a clam

Well, it sounds like he is finally reaching out and is ready to admit and accept professional help for his problem. That's a good thing.

He could have kept lying to you, never fessed up the truth about what is going on, but instead he has chosen to take the difficult path of disclosing his addiction. Gotta give him some credit for that.

Granted, he has lied to you for the past 3 years, but that's what addicts do. For someone to stop and buy porn mags and masturbate in a train station when they are rushing to work indicates a pretty serious compulsion and addiction. This is no small thing.

Bottom line, do you still love him? Do you have any reason to believe he has ever cheated on you, besides looking at porn?

If he is able to break this addiction, would he otherwise be the man you love and want to spend your life with? Or has there been too much damage already done to the relationship?

Only you know the answers to these questions. I wish you the best.


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## familygirl

happy as a clam said:


> Well, it sounds like he is finally reaching out and is ready to admit and accept professional help for his problem. That's a good thing.
> 
> He could have kept lying to you, never fessed up the truth about what is going on, but instead he has chosen to take the difficult path of disclosing his addiction. Gotta give him some credit for that.
> 
> Granted, he has lied to you for the past 3 years, but that's what addicts do. For someone to stop and buy porn mags and masturbate in a train station when they are rushing to work indicates a pretty serious compulsion and addiction. This is no small thing.
> 
> Bottom line, do you still love him? Do you have any reason to believe he has ever cheated on you, besides looking at porn?
> 
> If he is able to break this addiction, would he otherwise be the man you love and want to spend your life with? Or has there been too much damage already done to the relationship?
> 
> Only you know the answers to these questions. I wish you the best.


THanks for your reply. If I knew he would start to be honest from now on - trust could be rebuilt. But we have had the trust discussion before - at times when i needed reassurance and he got nasty and said why cant you just forget about things.I felt at these times he had no intention of re-building trust, I just felt he had to protect himself and his secret. I feel there is no respect(but mabe thats the porn addiction?). I had alot of hope for us now that is going. I feel if I give him another chance I will get sucked in again and life will slip back to normal. I have thougt he might have cheated but I have no proof so I have to take his word. I do love him and Im not sure how I will feel when he gets/if he getts help


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## happy as a clam

familygirl said:


> If I knew he would start to be honest from now on - trust could be rebuilt. But we have had the trust discussion before - at times when i needed reassurance and he got nasty and said why cant you just forget about things.


Yes, but this time around he will be getting professional help and he is on medication. Big difference from just having "conversations" about trust when he was still in denial.

The very core of a 12-step program and recovery is coming clean about everything and making amends to those you have hurt. If he finally tells all that he is done, I would think that would go a long way towards finally being able to begin to trust him. Of course, some of the things he confesses may be very difficult for you to hear.

You won't know until he begins to get to the bottom of his issues. You should both probably get individual counseling (you've suffered a lot too because of his lies and addiction) and let those counselors help you determine if/when marriage counseling is in order. Al-Anon would be good for you too.


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## familygirl

happy as a clam said:


> Yes, but this time around he will be getting professional help and he is on medication. Big difference from just having "conversations" about trust when he was still in denial.
> 
> The very core of a 12-step program and recovery is coming clean about everything and making amends to those you have hurt. If he finally tells all that he is done, I would think that would go a long way towards finally being able to begin to trust him. Of course, some of the things he confesses may be very difficult for you to hear.
> 
> You won't know until he begins to get to the bottom of his issues. You should both probably get individual counseling (you've suffered a lot too because of his lies and addiction) and let those counselors help you determine if/when marriage counseling is in order. Al-Anon would be good for you too.


THanks happy as a clam. This has helped me


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## happy as a clam

familygirl said:


> THanks happy as a clam. This has helped me


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## RandomDude

"...at thy right hand there are pleasures forever more"
Psalm 16:11


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## NickyT

His mental health or recovery are not your responsibility even though he is your husband. They are his responsibility and his alone. Of course you can be supportive, but not at the cost of your own sanity. 

I am a believer that when you love someone you give them what they need, not what they deserve. He deserves to be 180'd. He does not need to be your husband right now, but he does need to know he is cared for in a general sense. There are consequences for actions, and the consequences of lying to someone for 3 years is that the person no longer trusts you enough to share a home with you.

You don't have to make any decisions about ending the marriage right now if you do not want to, but you should set up some serious boundaries. IMO, he does not get to share a home and a life with you right now. It's not a punishment or vindictive, it is a boundary you need to set to see if he can get his life back in order.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt

Zombie thread.


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