# unsure about my actions



## mgreg (Oct 27, 2009)

My first marriage of 6 yrs ended after I caught my wife having an affair, forgave her, and caught her again a year later in the same affair. All the time we were married she talked on the phone with other men behind my back. She was obsessed with being desired by the opposite sex.

Now I am married to my second wife of 8 yrs. In the first two years of our marriage I found that she was communicating on the computer with a man that she had an Internet relationship with before we were married. Their communication was innocent in that she described to him how happy she was being married to me and would not have the same type relationship with him as before, but would like to stay friends. When I found out at first I was mad but realized that my wife had no ill intentions. I told her of my experiences with my first wife and that I could not go through that constant doubt caused by her talking with members of the opposite sex on the computer.

Fast forward 6 yrs. I open her computer and find where she has searched out her high school lover on facebook. They have had several conversations of how happy they each are in their lives. I feel ok about it because she expresses to him how wonderful I am. 

A week or two later he sends a message saying that he is coming to our state in several months and asks if he can see her. She states that it would probably be ok since she has several months to break the news to me. Several months go by and my wife says nothing to me. As the date approaches she tells my that she has to be gone for work all day on that particular day. I immediately think the worst and start monitoring her computer. She goes on that day, and is gone all day to come back with evidence that she was in fact at work. She never knew I expected anything. then she asks if her old boyfriend can visit the next day and I oblige and make lunch for him.

I think all is well for a week or two then she she searches for an ex lover on facebook. I send her a message pretending to be the ex lover and she says that she didn't want anything except to know how his daughter was. I feel ok again but a little leery.

Then a couple that or friends of our come for a visit. Our daughter has a car accident and my wife has to go where it happened and the male friend of ours insisted that he drive her there since I could not leave the house because of the dinner I was cooking. I thought nothing of it at the time. They were gone about three hours which was about the needed amount of time.

During the next couple of weeks I find that my wife and the male friend have been chating on the computer for several weeks and that he sent a message that said, "do you have any sisters, since you will not have anything to do with me?". 

My wife's response was '"Ok...first of all... I never said I wouldn't have anything to do with you... second of all... when we first started talking about this we acknowledged that we were married...and love our spouses...but...just have the hotts for each other... I really never anticipated a moment when we might attempt to act on that... and...I'll be honest...I was FREAKED OUT... well..besides the circumstances with my daughter..."''

I think we have everything worked out and although some things my wife did appeared questionable I do not think that she ever had intent on betraying me.

Her best friend is telling her that since she did nothing wrong, and I spied on her communications that I have invaded her privacy and that I should not be forgiven for that. 

If her friend is right then I want to go to her on my knees and beg for forgiveness but if she is wrong then I want to stand by my right to know if my wife if acting inappropriate in her communications with other men.

Thanks for your input.


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## Ladybug30 (Oct 27, 2009)

I don't think you did anything that wrong. If she wasn't doing anything wrong then why would she be upset at you checking things out. Especially if she know's what you went though with your first wife. People usually get upset with a spouse for snooping when they're doing something they shouldn't be. I would appologize to her, but I wouldn't get on my knee's and beg for forgiveness. All of the activity you've described seem very suspicious, and I would continue to keep an eye on the situation.


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## tornbetweenthemboth (Oct 21, 2009)

You did nothing wrong go with ur gut....gut is always right. Believe me i speak with experience.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mgreg (Oct 27, 2009)

thanks for the answers. I would lke any ladies input that might experience men constatly hitting on them and how they respond. 

Also is this posted in the correct part of the forum, or do I need to post it in another location.


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## mgreg (Oct 27, 2009)

Ladybug30 said:


> If she wasn't doing anything wrong then why would she be upset at you checking things out.


Thank you for your input. 

I guess I should have been more clear. My wife was not upset about me checking up on her. Her best friend in whom she confides is telling her that she did nothing wrong and therefore I never should have "SPIED" on her and that my wife should be furious that I did.

I am just trying to make sure that her friend is not correct. I know in my mind what I think is right from wrong but when I have other people who are so adamant about their opinions I tend to doubt myself.


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## Ladybug30 (Oct 27, 2009)

Her friend is not right on this one. I would have no problem with my husband checking on anything that I do. I've told him numerous times if he ever has a question about something or wants to look at my email, just ask and I'll open it right up. Because I have nothing to hide. Sometimes people get insecure for one reason or another, and your spouse should be supportive and do whatever they can to put your mind at ease. 

Men hit on me all the time, I just laugh it off. My husband gives me all the attention I need, therefore I don't need it from anyone else. He thinks it's funny actually, he notices guys looking at me all the time and will point it out to me, I usually don't even notice. And I have several message boards and chat rooms that I frequent, I always let people know up from that I'm married, and if they start getting to friendly or flirty then I cut off communication with them instantly!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She is trying to turn this around. SHE is the guilty party. You did nothing wrong. She is spending WAY too much time in all these innocent communications. And it is no surprise that one of them ended up not so innocent. She is looking to replace you. Just accept that. She says she is not, but she is. 





mgreg said:


> My first marriage of 6 yrs ended after I caught my wife having an affair, forgave her, and caught her again a year later in the same affair. All the time we were married she talked on the phone with other men behind my back. She was obsessed with being desired by the opposite sex.
> 
> Now I am married to my second wife of 8 yrs. In the first two years of our marriage I found that she was communicating on the computer with a man that she had an Internet relationship with before we were married. Their communication was innocent in that she described to him how happy she was being married to me and would not have the same type relationship with him as before, but would like to stay friends. When I found out at first I was mad but realized that my wife had no ill intentions. I told her of my experiences with my first wife and that I could not go through that constant doubt caused by her talking with members of the opposite sex on the computer.
> 
> ...


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

Nothing to be unsure about. If you don't fight for your marriage, who will. All is fair in love and war.

Her friend is dead wrong. She's the guilty party.


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