# Just not strong enough to say no.



## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

"Just not strong enough to say no." These are such scary words because the person who says them is at the mercy of others. 

Date-rape - "Just not strong enough to say no." So, is she actually raped?
Infidelity - "Just not strong enough to say no." I didn't actually mean to cheat on you.
Peer Pressure - "Just not strong enough to say no." Just try some meth, are you chicken?

Source: 


> 4. He played carefully and took it slowly. What I mean is he created an environment when everything was happening in small increments. And where each next step was kind of making sense on the context of the previous. Like "I've invested so much so far so I can make just this small step".
> 
> I obviously asked her what was she feeling when she allowed "this" to happen - was she in love, did she want him, etc. She told me (and I believe this) *she was just feeling not strong enough to say no*, after all previous steps.
> 
> At any time if he would make one wrong step - she would break the line. But he didn't and she didn't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Weird story. A lot of people are weak. Many have specific avenues to their specific weakness.

There are quite a few women who are very caring and nurturing that are susceptible to those they perceive as vulnerable and in need of their help.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Lance Mannion said:


> "Just not strong enough to say no." These are such scary words because the person who says them is at the mercy of others.
> 
> Date-rape - "Just not strong enough to say no." So, is she actually raped?
> Infidelity - "Just not strong enough to say no." I didn't actually mean to cheat on you.
> ...


It can be an excuse for getting carried away. As in, you know exactly where it’s going but don’t put a stop to it.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> It can be an excuse for getting carried away. As in, you know exactly where it’s going but don’t put a stop to it.


I wonder about that. I try to think outside of my own experiences, but it' so hard to know what lurks deep in the psyches of others. Some, I'm sure, look for any self-rationalizing excuse for their own actions and choices, trying to salvage their own egos and avoid dealing with their real selves. Some though probably do fall sway to the incremental nudges of others because they don't have the strength to say no. This is the exact thing we try to teach our kids about peer pressure - sometimes it is hard to do the right thing, so they just go along instead of asserting their own choices.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that we can all say no, if we want to enough.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That's why I don't have any weaklings within my inner circle. Outer circle sure, they can do what they like, won't really judge them, don't care enough about them to. 

Inner circle I expect better. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I never had any issues throughout my life as I hold certain non-negotiable standards in those I keep close to, and as for the women in my life, exs and even FWBs included, all have been of quality.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A similar sentiment is: "I just couldn't be mean." An excuse that both my ex husband and my mother would use when putting me at a disadvantage.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I think that we can all say no, if we want to enough.


I wish that were true. But some people are so damaged either by their childhood or extreme experiences in their past that they just don't have the fortitude. 

I try very hard to make sure my children know everyday I'll have their backs if they say no to something and I always tell them they can use me as their excuse. My Mom did the same for me until I was old enough to do it for myself. It really helped a lot and my kids say it helps them too.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Scenario #1 is quite the conundrum. Who knows what's going on in the participant's head, it could be so many factors. I don't know anyone who's been in the woman's position, but wow, what a minefield to dodge! Is this the sort of situation that causes date rape accusations? Scary! I'm really sorry for both parties in that kind of situation, how does the "perpetrator" know when a yes is yes, and a no is no? Personally, I don't care to be explicitly asked for permission every step of the way. 

Scenario #2 is laughable. How many people can say they fell onto each other and had sex/intimate conversations within a minute of meeting  Ok, if you're single, ymmv. Cheating happens in secrecy, it's definitely a choice.

Scenario #3 This is lemming behavior, utterly contemptible. I preferred to be the lone wolf who came out every so often than having "friends" like this. Friends don't bring friends down.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can certainly understand why some people can have trouble saying no.

What troubles me is the push by some to absolve them of responsibility and to penalize the other party who should apparently be a mind reader.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> I wish that were true. But some people are so damaged either by their childhood or extreme experiences in their past that they just don't have the fortitude.
> 
> I try very hard to make sure my children know everyday I'll have their backs if they say no to something and I always tell them they can use me as their excuse. My Mom did the same for me until I was old enough to do it for myself. It really helped a lot and my kids say it helps them too.


I think that in my case the awful things I have faced in my life have made me more able to say no and stand up for myself. I am much more assertive than I was in my younger days, and I dont now worry about what others think of me which helps.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I think that in my case the awful things I have faced in my life have made me more able to say no and stand up for myself. I am much more assertive than I was in my younger days, and I dont now worry about what others think of me which helps.


I would say that's true of me too. But sadly, I work with many patients that it's not the same for them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> I would say that's true of me too. But sadly, I work with many patients that it's not the same for them.


Do you think that people sometimes 'cant' say no because they dont actually want to? Say in an affair?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Do you think that people sometimes 'cant' say no because they dont actually want to? Say in an affair?


Of course!!! Many people use it as an excuse for all kinds of bad or stupid behaviors. But my point was that just that if someone really wanted to stop a behavior or say no is still not enough for some people unfortunately. Obviously they are the outliers...at least I hope so!!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I think that in my case the awful things I have faced in my life have made me more able to say no and stand up for myself. I am much more assertive than I was in my younger days, and I dont now worry about what others think of me which helps.


How old were you when you finally decided that saying no, through whatever means ie. words, actions, etc -- was not that difficult


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> How old were you when you finally decided that saying no, through whatever means ie. words, actions, etc -- was not that difficult


Cant say really, but I was pretty shy as a teen and early adult. I do have an inner strength that has got stronger as I have got older and the more I have had to go through. 
I am always astounded when I read some of the posts here to see what both men and women will put up with in their partners or will agree to do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lance Mannion said:


> "Just not strong enough to say no." These are such scary words because the person who says them is at the mercy of others.
> 
> Date-rape - "Just not strong enough to say no." So, is she actually raped?
> Infidelity - "Just not strong enough to say no." I didn't actually mean to cheat on you.
> ...



I had an old GF in my youth that started seeing some other dude. She hid it initially and then ultimately fessed up to it. 

I was mad that she had cheated on me and upset that she was basically dumping me for this other guy. 

However she used the excuse like the person you quoted where it was little increments at a time and she made it sound like he basically schmoozed and sweet talked her into it a little bit at a time until she was in too deep.

In other words she blamed him and made it sound like she couldn’t say no.

I actually had less respect and more resentment and disdain for her being weak and gullible, than if she had just came out and said the other guy was better than me and she was dumping me for him. 

It may have still been bad news for me, but That would have at least shown she had some ovaries and wherewithal.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I had an old GF in my youth that started seeing some other dude. She hid it initially and then ultimately fessed up to it.
> 
> I was mad that she had cheated on me and upset that she was basically dumping me for this other guy.
> 
> ...


Too many are excited playing close to the fire. I see them saying to their self " Well i have already gone this far, may as well take the next step" 

Blaming the others is what i hate about the date rape situation when one gets lowered inhibitions from drinking and then jumps in the sack with someone and has enthusiastic sex session and then has regrets the next morning for how they acted. Then they cling to others ideas they were raped. Ehh I dont think so! You were riding ole boy like you were a professional barrel racer in the National Finals Rodeo. 

If i thought otherwise then there are a couple of girls i should have filed charges on that took advantage of me in my intoxicated state. I remember flashes of the interaction and fact i was an active participant, but i damn sure would not have taken them home had i not been drinking.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I think that we can all say no, if we want to enough.


We have to be aware of exactly what it is we're saying no to, and ironically, and this is where it gets weird, our ideas of what isn't allowed may be so sharply defined that anything-else is allowable. And as you incrementally allow more and more "anything else" eventually you discover that you've already crossed the threshold you wouldn't cross. 

We need to focus not just on absolutes but also a sort of "fuzzy" logic where you have a sense of where things are going and confront that direction, not just the action itself.


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