# Not sure whats going on...



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

So my husband and I have been together for just about 12 years. We have 3 kids together. I never wanted kids, but we had a mishap and then I thought i wanted more so we ended up with three. I have no idea if thats part of our issues now or not, just thought i would lay it all out and see what others think.

Our current issue is that I am not attracted to him sexually at all. I love sex, but he just doesn't do it for me. He's very attractive and attentive to me in bed. Its all about me and he's constantly trying to change things up to keep it 'interesting' or 'exciting' or whatever. The thing is, i don't find it either interesting or exciting no matter what he does. 

Hes a great man and holds a great job and is a wonderful father....what the hell is wrong with me? The thought of having sex with him doesn't repulse me....it does absolutely nothing at all. And yet, the thought having sex with anyone else sends shocks through my system.

I have been researching for months online trying to find someone with the same problem, and can't seem to find anyone who has a husband who they still think is sexy and tries his level best in bed and is a great companion to be around....and yet has no desire at all to have sex with him.

Any thoughts on whats going on with me????


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been like this?

Have you considered going to a therapist? Perhaps one who is also a sex therapist. I recall reading a book written by a sex therapist some time ago in which the author described exercises that she gives to her clients to re-build the passion/desire in their sex life. They sounded pretty good. I do not recall the details of them clearly enough to describe them here. But if you find a sex therapist, they might be able to help you.

I do know that in long term relationship, our feelings ebb and flow. You might just be in a down turn of your sexual desire for your husband.


----------



## SimplySad (Sep 8, 2015)

How old are you; don't answer just answer it in your mind. If you are in your forties, I would get myself checked for early menopause. Hormones can cause havoc on women's libidos. You might just need some hormone therapy. Or if your children are still very young, are your sure you're not suffering from postpartum depression? Before you do something crazy, know that your husband sounds wonderful and those are very hard to come by; especially if they work, love you and are good dads. As mentioned before a good therapist might be in order along with a good medical check up. Keep the faith; you sound as normal as the rest of us. Been there done that; landed in a pile of yuk. Learn from my mistake, LOL


----------



## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You write 'current' issue. How long is 'current'. Was it always like this and if not when did change.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is where the rubber meets the road. Married love is not self supporting. Unlike parental love, married love must be fed and nurtured. Unlike parental love, married love requires growth. Married love is not unconditional and does take effort.

Couple of things to try...
When you close your eyes and fantasize about a lover and having sex with that lover, what scenario do you most often go to? How different is your husband from that scenario?

How often do you and your husband spend alone time together not talking about kids, work, home, or extended family? Those topics are the boring mundane of every day life. What other interests can you two explore together?

Having 3 young kids means it is very difficult to get out and do fun things without kids present. Everything you two do is based on raising kids and supporting the home. But in doing this you've lost focus on keeping your interest in one another strong by expanding your interests together. Take a dance class, learn to paint, join a hiking club...whatever. Just learn something new together.

I suggest you and your husband start doing hotel nights. Once a month, or perhaps more, you get the kids with various friends for sleep overs, or family, and you and your H book a room for the night locally. This can be inexpensive if you stay in town but if you can afford to go out of town do it. Going to a hotel forces you two to relate to each other on neutral ground. It may take a few hotel nights before you start to feel as if you're making any progress. If you camp, go camping instead. But get out of the house, away from the kids and focus on new experiences together that have nothing to do with raising kids or supporting the home.


----------



## SimplySad (Sep 8, 2015)

No it was not always like this; actually it was a very active sex life and he wasn't grouchy all the time. One day he just could maintain an erection. And I understand that, but to not go to the doctor and get some good answers of what is going on is not normal. Well, at least to me


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Do you hold a deep resentment against him for the fact you originally did not want children.

Not saying you do not love your kids. You may be upset with him on a subconscious level.

How was your viewpoint of sex before the kids came?


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

See a psychologist. You have deep seated mental problems. If it's a medical problem, your psychologist will catch on to this. 

You said that you don't know of anyone who is still attracted to their husbands. You are dead wrong. I am 57 years old, career woman, 35 years married (first marriage for the both of us), and very physically attracted to my 60 year old husband. I'm way past menopause and we are still sexually connected. My husband adores me and he is my prince.

You need to address your personal issues. No one wants to make love to a wife who gives "duty sex" only. I will further recommend that you see a marriage counselor. You've mentioned that you didn't want children; yet you have three. This could be another issue that caused strain in your marriage.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

Thanks for the replies! I have gone to counselling myself and have asked him repeatedly to go with me (every so often over the course of at least the last 5 years) He doesn't want to go. He doesn't think "we" have a problem he thinks "I" have a problem. All I've gained from counselling is that "this too shall pass" and to "fake it tip you make it" advice. This has been an issue for the last 3 years if not longer. We've been having sex whenever he's home (he has worked away our entire relationship and is currently off on guiding for a hunting outfitter in the yukon....cant even call home...havent heard from him in two weeks at all). So how long do I "fake it" before thats a lost cause as well? I love my husband and want nothing more than to figure this out....but years of unwanted sex has me in a place where I just don't want too anymore.

As i mentioned, he's never home and we own a farm with a considerable amount of livestock and work, there isn't really the option of leaving for a night or two ever as someone has to be here twice a day to feed the livestock and to check and make sure everything is ok. I LOVE the farm life....so that "work" isn't our issue. When he is home, he stays inside with the kids so i get to do the "work" alone which is something i truly enjoy doing. 

I'm just so very frustrated that i have a sex drive....just not for him. The thought of another man touching me drives to distraction, and the thought of him touching me does absolutely nothing  The thought of him touching me doing nothing for me is relatively new, just the last 4 months or so. But before that the thought of him touching me annoyed me, which was bothersome, but was at least a reaction of some sort. Now there is just nothing at all...

To add a few more details I'm 31 and our kids are 10,6, and 1.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is there a particular man you think about having sex with? 

The feeling nothing at all is rather odd, I agree. I'm sure that is very frustrating.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

I should answer a few questions here too i guess.

I did used to hold resentment towards him about the kids. He wanted 6 i wanted none. That has been dealt with along with the resentment i held for him being able to have a "life" away from us since he works away for weeks on end. 

My fantasies about other men are fairly mundane actually, nothing that my husband and i haven't done or tired. It seems they hold an air of "excitement" for me? The feeling of a different mans touch a new conversation...that sort of thing.

We do not spend any time alone away from our kids or farm because its really just not possible. I also homeschool our older two because we live in the middle of nowhere an the only school they could possibly go to is less than the ideal learning environment. Whether or not i wanted kids, i have them now and adore them and won't nothing but the best for them, so that was really the only option there as well.

We used to be able to have a good time together and go out and enjoy different activities, but since moving to the farm there is just too much to be done here in his short time home. He's only home for about 6 days/month and theres just no time for anything that isn't farm related. There are things i do for myself when he is away, i do go out occasionally with my friends or go horseback riding alone. But when he is home, there are many many many things lined up for him to do so when he is gone again, my life won't be a complete disaster.

I loved sex before the kids came....and still do. My desire for sex is off the charts!!....just not for him....


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

OP have you posted here in the past under a different name?

If not... there was another poster whose H was always away for weeks and weeks

guiding wildlife tours in the Yukon. Had same issues you have.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

No I haven't, this is my first post here. I would be interested in talking to the other poster though lol. My husband hasn't gone outfitting before unit this year. His regular job was in the oil patch....which is not so regular anymore haha.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

There isn't a particular man i think about, no. I avoid men for the most part as I'm terrified that at some point there will be a specific one who holds my thoughts....i don't want that...i want to want my husband, just not sure how to get back there


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lonelymomma said:


> There isn't a particular man i think about, no. I avoid men for the most part as I'm terrified that at some point there will be a specific one who holds my thoughts....i don't want that...i want to want my husband, just not sure how to get back there


Hm. I got nothin'.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Hm. I got nothin'.


Yup...me either...

I'm wondering if its a common theme to have a very healthy sex drive...but not want your own husband? 

I don't have a thoughtless husband, he is all about helping me out in that department when we do have sex. The problem is definitely with me. Is it boredom? and if it is, how do I fix that when I feel like we've tried every possible sexual scenario out there? (typing that made me lol as I'm sure there are avenues we haven't explored...but those avenues are just waaay far out of both of our comfort zones and wouldn't lend any help to the situation lol) 

I'm verbal if i don't like something, and he is too (haven't found much he doesn't enjoy though lol). And we switch it up. I feel like a gymnast half the time we have sex...and yet it does nothing for me...

I've tried spontaneous places and times, many many many many different positions (even bought some books and tried most of those ones).

He is incredibly attentive in bed. I get off most of the time. if i have to bring toys into it, he doesn't care. It truly is all about me for him. So what the heck is wrong with me?!?!?! Why can't i WANT him like i feel like i want others??? 

Have we over done it? I know...weird question...but could it be that we have done everything we've both ever wanted to over and over and over and now its just boring? Others would think we have a great sex life (when he's home) but I feel nothing...no attraction (even though i find him even more sexy than when we first got together). Ugh....how is that even possible??


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yes, it sounds like you're bored of him .


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yes, it sounds like you're bored of him .



This conversation has actually been a real eye opener for me. Sadly, Its looking like theres nothing that can be done. i've been to counselling, I've been doing the "fake it tip you make it" for a few years. Our sex life shouldn't be boring....but i find it is.

So anyone know how long this stage will last? Million dollar question here!! lol While I'm doing good so far with not fantasizing about anyone in particular, I'm afraid of what might happen if this continues...


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lonelymomma said:


> This conversation has actually been a real eye opener for me. Sadly, Its looking like theres nothing that can be done. i've been to counselling, I've been doing the "fake it tip you make it" for a few years. Our sex life shouldn't be boring....but i find it is.
> 
> So anyone know how long this stage will last? Million dollar question here!! lol While I'm doing good so far with not fantasizing about anyone in particular, I'm afraid of what might happen if this continues...


It is really sad . How much of this does your husband know and how does it make him feel?


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thinking outside the box....Do you masturbate? You are stressed with all on your plate, kids, schooling, animals and a part time husband. Is it possible that masturbating is just so much easier than having sex with your husband that sex with your husband just seems like a chore? And you sure don't need more chores. But by masturbating you can have the pleasure of sex when you want it and kind of how you want it so it's just the preferred option.


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

lonelymomma said:


> I should answer a few questions here too i guess.
> 
> I did used to hold resentment towards him about the kids. He wanted 6 i wanted none. That has been dealt with along with the resentment i held for him being able to have a "life" away from us since he works away for weeks on end.
> 
> ...


Okay, just re-read the parts of your message that I have bolded. If you don't resent this situation then you are either Laura Ingalls Wilder incarnate or bucking for sainthood, or both. Gone to the Yukon for weeks at a time while you run a farm and homeschool the kids? The burden that is on you must be immensely difficult to manage alone. Having all that responsibility on your shoulders while he is gone for lengthy periods is just not conducive to a healthy marriage. My view is that you don't need counseling, you both need to sit down and reevaluate your life choices and see if you can come up with something that looks more equitable. If nothing else he needs to be there physically for you and the kids, not some ghost that blow in and blows out of your lives.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

i do masturbate when he isn't home. I don't when he is home. The masturbating and the sex are completely unfulfilling for me. When both are done, I'm left feeling like i want more....but not from him. I think about other men when we have sex, but i don't want to have to do that. Sex is a chore with him....im feeling like it wouldnt be with other people and that terrifies me...

He knows that i feel like our sex life is unsatisfactory, and he tires his best to make it better. He doesn't know that i'm thinking about other men. He doesn't know that the thought of other men turns me on incredibly. Do you think we should talk about that? i will if thats what people have done and it has worked out for them...but i feel like i'll just be shattering him for no benefit at all. How can he make it so that the thoughts of other men don't turn me on? We've done everything....really we have... Neither of us signed up for this, I know there are many who lose interest in sex at all, and that may even be easier to over come than this (not saying it wouldn't hard). But I do want sex....all the time in fact....but not from him...


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lonelymomma said:


> i do masturbate when he isn't home. I don't when he is home. The masturbating and the sex are completely unfulfilling for me. When both are done, I'm left feeling like i want more....but not from him. I think about other men when we have sex, but i don't want to have to do that. Sex is a chore with him....im feeling like it wouldnt be with other people and that terrifies me...
> 
> He knows that i feel like our sex life is unsatisfactory, and he tires his best to make it better. He doesn't know that i'm thinking about other men. He doesn't know that the thought of other men turns me on incredibly. Do you think we should talk about that? i will if thats what people have done and it has worked out for them...but i feel like i'll just be shattering him for no benefit at all. How can he make it so that the thoughts of other men don't turn me on? We've done everything....really we have... Neither of us signed up for this, I know there are many who lose interest in sex at all, and that may even be easier to over come than this (not saying it wouldn't hard). But I do want sex....all the time in fact....but not from him...


I'm interested to hear what other people have to say, but I would NOT tell him that. I think that would be very hurtful to hear . I think the only way I'd tell him that is if you were willing/wanting to end your marriage.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

I don't resent him at all for being gone all the time. We did have a very rocky period for a few years at the beginning, but I've come to enjoy my own space, my own rules, my own parenting style. Those sort of things. It used to be that he would come home and we would practically rip each other's clothes off...that time has come and gone. 

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids and running the farm...so I guess Laura Ingles it is. Lol. 

I'm just lost as to what to do about this lack of attraction to a man who is everything I've ever dreamed of having. He isn't without his faults, but no one is. I'm not living in some delusional state thinking we don't hae any issues aside from sex. Everyone has issues. We handle ours fairly well now. We see eye to eye on the larger things, like homeschooling, farming etc. we rarely argue. 

He has been home for most of the last year or so as his job isn't very stable right now. The Yukon thing has been just this year. He has never done it before and it has always been a dream for him. I wasn't going to deny him his dream just because it meant he would be away...he's always away. Just this time we can't even talk as there is no phone or cell service or Internet where he is.


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

If you fantasize about other men while you masturbate, and STILL feel unfulfilled, I am going to tell you flat out that having sex with another man will ALSO leave you feeling unfulfilled. It will do nothing for you. At the very least, physiologically, getting yourself off to your fantasy should do something for you for sure. 

DId you ever get that electric sort of feeling from your husband?


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

Yes I did get that jolt from him. It used to be that the very thought of him would do what the thoughts of other men do for me now. But thats gone, and that's what I want back.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Maybe by thinking about other men during masturbation and sex you accidentally conditioned yourself to only find other men attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Maybe by thinking about other men during masturbation and sex you accidentally conditioned yourself to only find other men attractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't start thinking about other men until loooong after the issue was already very well established. The thoughts of the other men just started in the last couple of months.


----------



## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

lonelymomma said:


> I didn't start thinking about other men until loooong after the issue was already very well established. The thoughts of the other men just started in the last couple of months.


Call me a silly Sally but I have a feeling the lack of time together, coupled with all the duties that a committed couple usually have, has soured your relationship. Maybe you thought you'd be ok with it all, maybe you imagined it was nice having all that me time, but none of it is good for any long term marriage, or hell, just a relationship. Sure there are people who endure more, but that doesn't make it any more conducive to a happy marriage. Is this a job that he HAS to do, or chooses to do?

Cheers,
V(13)


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So Lonely Momma, your screen name is lonely, you are alone with your kids for long periods of time, you have grow accustomed to being alone and you've even come to enjoy being alone. Do you see the theme here?

You are no longer attached to nor in need of your husband. Other than the occasional extra pair of hands, and the income, you do not need your husband and get by alone just fine.

You don't resent him being gone and you think the absence of resentment a good thing. Well it is NOT a good thing because it means the bond and the need you once had for him is gone. In its place is a platonic friendship. And this is why sex with this friend doesn't feel right.

That is the problem. 

I'm sorry that your farm life precludes you from spending alone time with your husband in order to rebuild your bond. I guess the way you and your husband have built your lives just didn't take into account that marriages need work as much as farms need work.

Often times people come here and they don't get the answers they want. The answers are too difficult or too involved and so they discard them. That's okay. It's your life and your marriage.

Best of luck.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

His job is definitely a "need" and not a "want" situation. 

Sadly, I think you are correct. We have spent so much time apart, I no longer see him as my husband. He's just a friend who pays the bills...but I do love him...but I guess I must not be "in love" with him...ugh...I don't know what to do anymore.


----------



## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

This sounds so familiar. 

I'm thinking lonelymomma is a troll.


----------



## lonelymomma (Sep 8, 2015)

I'm sorry that you feel that way buddy. I'm not trolling I have a genuine problem. But thanks for the support!


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I think that the two of you are in a rut - and you are feeling it more than him. You need a radical change of scene to instil some excitement into your lives.

The adrenalin that comes with a radical change helps tremendously in the sex arena.

The question is what would a radical change be for the two of you - a change of scenery coupled with a new job and new challenges and then new interests/hobbies and a sense of danger for good measure (don't go overboard here) - this is what is lacking.

Masturbation on your own will further dull your senses when you are with him so while it is generally not harmful it can be in your situation.

You definitely need to break out of the rut you are both in so that both of you view each other through a new set of eyes and with new admiration for each other.

Would welcome ideas from others as what this breaking out of the rut could be.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are so young to feel the way you do at 31 years. I am 57 years old and married for 35 years (first marriage for both). I see my husband everyday. I am a career woman and elected to be without children. I believe that having your husband only a few days out of the month has got you conditioned to be without him. You have become "just friends".

After reading so many posts, your situation is unique in that there is no one that you are connected with. I went through your phase for a short time when I came across a very stressful situation with a boss. When this boss was outed by her superiors and underlyings, I gradually went back to where I was. (I went to the company's psychologist who gave me some coping skills.) Could you be possibly stressed for running the farm by yourself and home-schooling at the same time? This is a very heavy responsibility.

Perhaps seeing a psychologist to sort your mind may be in order. Sorry you are here.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Go over and read about some of the cases in "coping with infidelity". The "I love you but not in love with you" syndrome is a common thread in probably close to 90% of them.....

In most of the cases, the wife cheats, destroys her family, and usually that of her affair partner....In many instances there is an attempt at putting the marriage back together, but even when showing remorse, and trying to fix things, the wife eventually drifts away....

Children are frequently, if not usually part of the family......

My crack pot theory is that in some cases, when a woman has had a child or children with a man, she looses sexual interest in THAT man....I think it is a survival strategy, much like a man wanting to impregnate as many women as possible to spread his genetic material....Some women may be hard wired to have children by more than one man in order to insure the survival of some of her offspring.....

Currently you are ripe, low hanging fruit...Trust your instincts, and stay away from other men....Get counseling, and if that doesn't help, give your husband a fair divorce.....

This may sound brutal, but it is the only way you and your family have a chance to be happy and make sure all of you are not blindsided by an affair and a nasty divorce....


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

As I was reading this thread, the words "I love you but I am not in love with you" were screaming at me and then you go and answer your very own question. Unfortunately for your husband, he is your doormat. You like his positives but you do not like your situation. You are 31 and you basically have done it all. Went to school, got married, had 3 children, did all the sex stuff with your husband, and raise livestock.. and you are only 31. There has got to more to life than that, right? You live the same life everyday and your lonely. You sound like you want change and something new and something excited. Not everyone is built for marriage. 

As a man, I rather my girlfriend/wife/whatever leave/divorce me rather than think about other men when we have sex. That would be the hugest blow to my ego. The hugest. Personally, I think you want to meet new people and maybe take a walk (which is your god given right); but you are also very comfortable thanks to your nice, loving, hard-working husband.

I can relate, minus the children and everything. I was with a girl for a few years when I was very young and the attraction got stale. She was the same girl but I don't know. My attraction, sexually, just shut off. I never cheated but I was looking at other women more and more, whether I was out or online. The thoughts were crazy. Once it got to the point where I had to think of another girl or I wouldn't finish, I had to open up to her and end it. Funny thing is, she felt the same way. However, we were younger and kids/marriage wasn't involved.

Very hard to give advice on your issue due to your situation. If he doesn't do it for you anymore, and sex is something extremely important, then you have to move on. But you also have your livelihood and children involved. So, you need a plan. Stat.

P.S. And as the above poster said, you must stay away from other men. All it takes is for that one guy to stick his head into your world. Your heart and sexual drive will kick start into overdrive and if he is smooth or aggressive, you will find yourself in the middle of an affair.


----------



## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

You've been given some good advice so far.

I think that you probably already know the issue. You even allude to it in your screen name...lonelymomma. That screams that you are not happy in your current situation because you are lonely and all the burdens of life are totally on your shoulders. Your husband is never home, you don't talk when he's gone and you don't invest time in each other when he is home. All of that will destroy a relationship.

So, what is the result of it all? You've become lonely and resentful of him. You've lost the emotional bond that made him attractive to you. Now, he's just a guy who sometimes helps out and assists with the finances. No one would fall "head over heels' with someone like that. He is not meeting your emotional needs because you no longer know him as an intimate soulmate. The few days that he is home is probably pretty awkward because you need time to reconnect and all he wants is sex. He just doesn't get it that for you sex is more than just an act. He needs to reconnect with you emotionally for you to see him as the "hot guy" you are day-dreaming about.

You need to change up the marriage dynamic in the worst way. The problem is not just you. He doesn't see that he is not investing in you because he apparently doesn't need that emotional intimacy to feel happy and content. He's all about the physical act and expects you to feel the same way. Most women don't.

So, what you need to do is get a couple of books:

(1) His Needs, Her Needs.
(2) The Five Love Languages.

Read them and I think you'll begin to understand what your problems are in your marriage. A good father with a decent job who rarely argues with his wife doesn't necessarily make for a good husband. That sounds pretty blase' to me...and your lack of interest in him tells me you feel the same way about him. You want excitement, spontaneity, open and frequent communication about everything and nothing, a companion and helper to do more of the heavy lifting in life. When he begins to meet those emotional needs, your desire for him will explode back onto the scene.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you WANT to stay married to him? It's important for you to know the answer to this.

Because it dictates what you need to do about this. I'm starting to picture an image of some old 40s movie where the traveling salesman stops by the farm and...well, you know the rest.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lonelymomma said:


> His job is definitely a "need" and not a "want" situation.
> 
> Sadly, I think you are correct. We have spent so much time apart, I no longer see him as my husband. He's just a friend who pays the bills...but I do love him...but I guess I must not be "in love" with him...ugh...I don't know what to do anymore.


I think you don't really want to do anything. The lack of sexual attraction you feel toward your husband has made every idea or suggestion seem like too much work, or not feasible due to the nature of your home schooling and farm life. Generally, the trade off for putting in some extra effort make that effort seem reasonable. But if the results of that effort are not enough, then the effort becomes unreasonable. You don't really want to be sexually attracted to your husband again.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That said, you CAN be attracted to him again. It just takes work, just like that farm, or that homeschooling. I have a friend who makes a living buying garage sale items and selling them on eBay. If you were to do something like that - go out shopping with your kids one weekend a month - you could be earning enough money to PAY for a farmhand/babysitter to come out and watch your farm once every month or two so you two could rekindle the love.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I wonder if the two of you haven't separated your life experiences and duties so much that it has killed your desire. Modern research indicates that a healthy marriage these days means that both partners have the security of home and family, and the freedom to 'play' and have some adventure and discovery. 

It sounds like you have most of the home and hearth, and he has all the travel and adventure. He gets to experience newness in the world and still come home to a secure family environment, so he gets his needs met to a great degree. You are tethered to your farm with your children and don't have opportunities to stoke your desire. Your husband is associated with this imbalance in your life (he's the source), so he is the target for loss of desire. As a result, he doesn't do it for you anymore.

I think he needs less freedom and you need more.

(I've actually been there and done that. I finally insisted that my H ramp down his travel and extracurriculars so that I could feel less like the ball and chain at home. It has helped our M.)


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just be aware. There are certain men out there who can innately sense your lack of desire for your husband. They will try to "friend" you. Dont buy it. Its a script that goes to a very bad place.


----------

