# Confused



## Mariam721 (May 21, 2017)

Ok my story is heavy on my heart & a bit long. I was with my 1st husband for 10 yrs & 15 with my husband now. I have 3 girls 28, 25 &; 23, he has a son 19 that we raised since he was 4yrs old, 2 grand girls 4yrs & 1yrs old. We rasied all under the same roof & they all graduated & went to college he brought them cars, paid for graduations & proms without the help from they fathers or mother. We had some really hard growing pain with all the kids that destroy our relationship. My husband worked more than he was home & he carried the financial part in the beginning. While I was a housewife with a home daycare & taking care of the kids school needs, & all household necessities. I took care of the good care of my family to the point where I lost pieces of myself in the process of making them happy. I keep the kids in church while my husband never went with us. Then I stop going to chruch & praying. I didn't know who I was or what I like to do. I know my husband felt like he was carrying the world on his shoulders doing everything for the family but I was too It was hard for both of us. Then my husband started cheating throughout this marriage & being very disrespectful. He has told me in the past & "Either yu want me to love yu or take care of yu!!! I'm not doing both" & then his action showed, that he was just financially taking care of me & not loving me. It was his way or no way. His kinda of love was turn on the light, pay a bill then we can have sex, yu got a roof over ur head, & food in the refrigerator. That was his way of showing me love. He was kinda the same way with the kids. He has had a 1 yr relationship with a married women, another one left letters on my windshield saying she was pregnant, my tires has been slashed, & He has even invited a women he was sleeping with at hotels to a family get together at our home. I didn't find out til 3 months after. He was caught 6 times cheating in 10 yrs that I know of. I've been thru DUI'S, being disrespected, sickness, dealth, & forecloser thru thick thin. I loved him unconditionally. I forgave him because I genuinely loved him & thought it would get better & it did. We went to marriage counseling because of his issues & he did change after 10yrs. He WAS FINALLY FAITHFUL & started putting his family 1st after he did all his dirt. I had some health issues & he catered to my every need cook, cleaned, washed clothes, took care of the kids & worked. Then our home went into foreclosure 5 yrs later & we had too move & I couldn't help financially because of health issues. Two of the girls moved back home with their kids & our son was just graduating. Now he's caring all the weight again. Then things went back to the way it was but he just didn't cheat. We haven't sept in the same bed in 5yrs. He felt like he lost himself. After we moved he started going to the gym, buying him clothes, taking mancation trips & doing him. Now he was no longer emotional attached to this marriage or our family. I was goin thru menopause we was arguing alot it seemed like he was getting away from me & just left me behind while we could have done those things together & I let depression & anxiety trap me in a cycle of stress that I couldn't seem to snap out of. He put up a wall & block all of us out. He stop doing things, paying for things, cutting the heat off & cutting bills out. It got to the point that we were just roomates. This past yr has been the worst for both of us. I was excited about my new job but couldn't show it. I thought now I can work out of the home & find myself. The kids was older & they drifted away, & it made me feel like I had no purpose so this was good for me. So I thought!!! but my husband & kids only notice me when walked out the door, then they needed everything. But when I was home they ignored me. So going to work one morning I ran into my X at the gas station & he complemented on my hair & said & hey how have you been? & that I still had the same beautiful smile. I took that & was like this man haven't seen me in almost 3 decades & remembered my smile. Now I just left that house & nobody ask how I was, or even said you look nice. So we started talking on the phone & he asked me all the time how I was doing? For the 1st time In yrs I felt important. A couple of weeks went by & he invited my out for his sister's 50th bday celebration. I was going thru some things at home so I didn't reply. My favorite uncle died. I was really a mess. I called my husband 3 times to tell him no answer. So he called me back a hour & said was at the club around the house with his boys drinking, I told him I was going to stop up there to tell him the bad news plus, I was just driving around trying to clear my head. He went off why the F#@* Yu need to come where me & my boys at & I don't need my wife following me etc, I told him that I was coming anyway, after seeing how upset he was about me coming. I wasn't going after that I didn't feel like any extra drama especially after the news I just got. The next day he was on Facebook live, drunk at a different club downtown so he left before I would even get to the club just to avoid seeing me. He didn't console me or go to Texas for the funeral. My X called me all the time, send me just thinking of yu text, funny YouTube videos of funny kids eating lemons, sent flowers & pizza's to my aunt's. While my husband never offered anything, at this point he thought he had offer & did enough. He didnt even called me to check I didn't hear from him til it was time to pick me up from the airport. At this point he put all the kids even his own son who won't even talk to him now & the grand girls out. We haven't sleep in the same bed since we moved in the new house a yr & 1/2 ago & he moved all his things in the basement. We haven't had sex in 8 months before this, he wouldn't even talk to me & was always gone. So that led me cheated with my X in April 2016. He was gone so much he didn't even notice me if I was home or not. Plus we were not sleeping together how would he know? So in July 2016 he ask for a divorce I was devastated & tried everything to fix it even through what we were going thru i didn't want to leave my husband. I left my X alone completely in June 2016 because it didn't solve problems it would just make things worse. We were arguing more & yelling at each every day. He found out about my X in September 2016, now he really wants a divorce, I've been call [email protected]#!, I'm contagious all kinds of stuff. I know I was wrong & BUT DIVORCE? I didn't know what to do any more it hurts me to see the fact that I hurt him. He will not forgive me he said He don't have a forgiving heart like me & that was my choice to forgive him. After all the crap I put up with now & his past & it didn't count because I forgave him. Smh!! He avoided me every day for about 4 months living under the same roof not even seeing each other for weeks. The house is empty & quiet he works over nights & I work days. So when I'm at work he's asleep & when I get home he's gone on propose & leaves for work from wherever he is & tells me don't worry about what he's doing or who he's sleeping with its none of my business. And when he get off in the mornings same thing. Not even taking &; walking around the house on eggshells. Anything I said it was under a microscope. Around December 2016 He started back cooking for me, I was cooking for him, We would even go grocery shopping like we use to. We celebrated our 9th anniversary We went to 
Red Lobster & exchanged gifts. For Xmas we went to his moms,my moms, his grandmoms, my sister's, & his uncles house all that day. After that in February 2017 it went down hill. He has been mentally abusive & disrespectful my heart hurts so bad now. My personal foundation is still so unstable. I'll be at working crying, driving any & thing upset me I was taking sleeping pills that I got immune to & stress was my food I couldn't eat. He started drinking, staying late & now just completely staying out. Now he tells me that I need to move on & stop worrying about him because He is with someone now. He wants me to sign some divorce papers that he prepared himself. He wants a divorce asap, but I don't have to leave till the lease is up in a year in a half but he will continue to be with her. He wants me to continue to pay the bills. In the divorce paper He will give me a $1000 a month for 5 yrs, he's pension & I can stay on his insurance. He makes over $150,000 a year. I'm not entitle to his pension to after 10 of marriage which won't be 12/13/17 (7 month). I'm now entitled 40% of his income & can stay on his insurance 3 yrs after the divorce & his pension. So his offer insulted me & what he think my worth is, after all I've been thru. But still I can't move on it hurts me so much I'm in the house alone & now he has moved in with her. Why so fast? Knowing all the things that I carved for in our marriage he's giving to her, he wouldn't even sleep in the same bed with me for 6 yrs now he lay up with her every night. It hurt too much knowing he with her over his wife & kids & this is what he wants. I feel trap being here the feeling of being REJECTED, UNLOVED, & I'm hurting so bad that death sounds good compared to the hurt I'm going thru alone. Yes I gave him his space–however be clear that I was not okay with him dating anyone else during this time. His response was & "what did you think I would do" ? He will not even look at me & now he's always taking her out wearing everything I bought him from Head to toe even his underwear. Now he's buying her things & taking her all out in public not caring if the kids will see him or even family that don't even know what's going on. I was so embarrassed one of my friends saw them together & our family just saw us together for X-mas & the ones who do know he turned them against me like he was the faithful a husband. It's so disrespectful. Now he feels I betrayed him in this marriage. He had the nerves to say that he has been faithful for the last 5yrs & this marriage is not even worth saving because, I'm nothing but paperwork to him & he don't love me anymore. Now I'm left along to take care of myself, while still trying to be friendly to him in his “SITUATIONSHIP just to keep down drama for the kids. I told him last week that was done, I'm not cooking for him nor will I be available. He was really upset with me because I won't sign the paper, or cook for him & help him pay the bills til the lease is up. I just gave him $500 & didnt see him for 2 weeks I feel so stupid. He makes alot more that I do. I told him I'm not giving him a dime. Now he will not answer, call or check up on me, he just don't care at all. So now his sorce of alimony is paying the bills & rent till the lease is up. I just want my husband back the way it was wen we met. I told him nothing can destroy our relationship from the outside it's from the inside out & we can get thru this. He says there's no way in the world that we could ever be together again. Now he's enjoying life without me & I stuck here suffering alone every night & calling off work, or late because I'm up all night crying & can't get up. After everything I did for my family they all moved on with their lives, even my husband of 15 yrs I'm suffering all the memories alone.25 yrs & i don't know who i am or what i like to do 😢 Please help should I still want my husband back & should I help with the bills? Suffering in silence without hope😢😢😢


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## Moving-on (May 12, 2017)

First let me say...I'm so sorry you're here with us. I am in a similar situation as you, but I'm not willing to give a 2nd chance. Let me tell you, there is TRUTH to the saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them!" Your husband showed you years ago that he was not in your best interest. I know it hurts. I'm in a lot of pain as I type this. But I know that if my husband truly loved me and was a honest spouse, I would not have looked to this site for support. It's time to break loose. If every hint is as you said and you were the one that kept your vows, do yourself a favor and let him go. In letting him go, you'll also be freeing yourself. Good luck!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mariam721 said:


> Ok my story is heavy on my heart & a bit long. I was with my 1st husband for 10 yrs & 15 with my husband now. I have 3 girls 28, 25 &; 23, he has a son 19 that we raised since he was 4yrs old, 2 grand girls 4yrs & 1yrs old. We rasied all under the same roof & they all graduated & went to college he brought them cars, paid for graduations & proms without the help from they fathers or mother. We had some really hard growing pain with all the kids that destroy our relationship. My husband worked more than he was home & he carried the financial part in the beginning. While I was a housewife with a home daycare & taking care of the kids school needs, & all household necessities.
> 
> I took care of the good care of my family to the point where I lost pieces of myself in the process of making them happy. I keep the kids in church while my husband never went with us. Then I stop going to chruch & praying. I didn't know who I was or what I like to do. I know my husband felt like he was carrying the world on his shoulders doing everything for the family but I was too It was hard for both of us.
> 
> ...


I added some paragraphs spacing to your post. Please use paragraphs when you post. A giant wall of text is very hard to read.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you want the relationship back that you both had in the beginning. Wasn't he cheating almost from the start of your marriage?

He did appear to move on quickly and move in with another woman. My bet is that he was cheating with her for some time. His behavior: not sleeping with you, moving into the basement, not wanting you to go to where he hangs out, his mistreatment of you all point to a man who is cheating on his wife.

How did he find out about your affair? Did you tell him?


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