# I need some ideas...



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Some time back, I spent a lot of time here while I was watching my marriage disintegrate... and my bad responses to things. 

But this isn't about that. 

Three months ago, my wife and I set about to move across the country. We moved from a west coast state to near Chicago, she's now a full time university student, studying to become a naturopath doctor (ND). 

We sold almost everything we owned, and I gave up my business, leased it out to someone else. I sold all my pet projects (frankly, it was all but 'giving them away', and we left the kids behind, and now it's just the two of us, living in the burbs (instead of our rural life before). 

We only brought one vehicle out with us, so I had to fly back and get the other. I drove the 1900+ miles in just two days. I had a long time to think all by myself. 

I'm feeling more than a little lost. What was me was expressed in my trucks, my business, my friends, and the awesome beauty of where we lived, and I'm feeling... Well, I don't know what. 

Like I suddenly had a large part of the meaning of and interests in my life ripped away and there's nothing but a big hole left. Nothing we did, none of my hobbies or projects or "things I want to do" now exist. The wife is on a trimester plan, where there's 3 breaks a year of two weeks or so. Other than individual holidays, she's chained here. As soon as I get to working (it'll be for myself) I'll have to work 10+ hour days 5-6 days a week to make ends meet at all. 

Even the deaths of my parents weren't this much of a change in my life. And I don't know how to get back to being a whole person again. The things that interest me, I cannot do, at least not for the next 5 years or so, until we're done here and head back out west. My hobbies we have no room for, no means of engaging in at all. Going out 4x4 through the mountains, camping, hiking in the mountains, project cars... All gone and can't have them. 

I can't talk about it to anyone, I don't know a soul here. And, I really have little to no time to get to know anyone. And being an introvert doesn't help, either. My wife is swamped with school and eventually, a few days of work a month, I really need to hold up and hold it together for her. 

Anyone have suggestions or advice? I don't even know what this is called or what I should be feeling or doing.


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## XianHusband (Oct 9, 2013)

I have been a lurker on these boards for a long time here and actually finally got motivated to join just so I could reply to this - I felt sorry for you because it had taken you so long to get even a single reply.

It's no surprise that you're unhappy, since so much that you held dear has had to be scarified. But kudos to you for being willing to do this for the sake of helping your wife advance her career. You can be assured this is going to be appreciated. In my case it was my wife who made the similar sacrifice for me so that I could move in the opposite direction from East to West where I am now much happier.

A good way to make friends might be through your church, if you have found one - and I would strongly recommend that.

Obviously resources are going to limit your ability to actually DO many of the things that you used to do, so I believe that leaves you with two obvious outlets:

1) Vicariously re-visit and relive the memories. You have Internet access - so consider yourself very fortunate as that wouldn't have been available a couple decades ago. Through the wonders of Google Earth, related sites like vpike.com, and even the actual websites of tourist attractions including national parks where campgrounds etc. might have been located that you visited and hiked in the past, you can revisit just about anywhere on Earth through the Internet. You can use vPike to drive through the streets of your old neighborhood virtually. I love to revisit the places I grew up in that way. Not only this, but through the Internet, through methodologies such as forums like this you can connect with people from your old area...and you can also connect directly with old friends (assuming they have Internet access) and even "see" them face to face through Skype and similar technology. 

2. Find and develop some NEW interests and hobbies. Part of my move was due to a downsizing, so I have learned to live on much less income than I once had. I have had to give up certain things that I used to be able to afford but can no longer reasonably afford (and long road trips and vacations are definitely among these). But I have replaced these with other activities such as walking and biking, and I have other hobbies such as music and reading. Find other things that you enjoy doing and other ways that you can enjoy relaxing during the leisure time that you do have. 

It is understandable that you would be discouraged, and of course you are going to feel sad - and you will, and there is a time for that - but at the same time, the worst thing you could do would be to just resign yourself to sitting and moping and contemplating what was. (I'm not accusing you of doing that or intending to be critical in any way - you are reaching out for help and for that I commend you). But rather than let feelings of despair continue to set in, get yourself busy actively considering possible new ideas and exploring options for perhaps groups and clubs in which you could become involved - like I said, perhaps through a church if you are inclined to get involved with one. Another great option would be to seek out some sort of a volunteer activity of some kind. I understand you are going to be short on time but I am telling you it does not take much. Even an hour a week doing something meaningful to help someone else can become something you really look forward to - and also a way of making new friends and getting to know new people. Nursing homes for example can always use people to lead activities and/or assist in various aspects of care - I perform music at one regularly and really enjoy it. 

Well, at least there are some ideas. Good luck, and again kudos to you for supporting your wife at this time in your marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You should look at meetup.com and see if there are groups that do things that interest you. For instance, if you enjoy working on old cars, there is probably a club. Even though you don't have space to do some of your hobbies, maybe you can help or join someone at his house. 

You could find somewhere to volunteer some of the time - if you are good at building things may Habitat for Humanity is the way to go. You'll meet some interesting people. All you have to do is chat a bit and suggest going for a beer after to get the ball rolling.

There are outdoor meetups where you could join a group for camping - your wife should be fine with some study time while you go away with some new friends. 

Just be careful that you don't find yourself with too many women if you are working on rebuilding that right now.

Ask your wife to do things with you, too. Maybe get some bicycles and find some bike trails through some pretty areas of your new town. Go for walks - you can't hike the mountains but you can walk and explore your new town. 

See this as an opportunity to develop your marriage. Moving to a new place puts you both in an "us against the world" mentality. But she will make friends at school so you need to develop your niche here as well. I'd start with meetup.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

oldgeezer said:


> We sold almost everything we owned, and I gave up my business, leased it out to someone else. I sold all my pet projects (frankly, it was all but 'giving them away', *and we left the kids behind*, and now it's just the two of us, living in the burbs (instead of our rural life before).


Wow. I don't think that's legal.

Anyway, you can either let this break you down or you can treat it as the temporary 4-year opportunity to try/do new things that you probably otherwise would never have exposed yourself to. Then when she's done with her school and training, you two go move back to somewhere you love and settle down to do the things you love to do with the added financial security that will come with her new career. Who knows, maybe this detour exposes you to new places and activities and changes your outlook on what you want to do with your life. Or maybe it just confirms your previous desires. Either way, it's all good as long as you go into it with a positive attitude.

Hopefully you left the kids with some water and snacks though.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> Hopefully you left the kids with some water and snacks though.


They're all adults. Even the lazy one who wants to sponge off everyone, but doesn't get to anymore.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

XianHusband said:


> I
> It is understandable that you would be discouraged, and of course you are going to feel sad - and you will, and there is a time for that - but at the same time, the worst thing you could do would be to just resign yourself to sitting and moping and contemplating what was.


It's not that. I don't sit and mope. I'm busy. Got stuff to do, but I just can't seem to let go. I look around me when I'm doing stuff and there's no continuity with my "life before" except my wife and dogs (and they are her dogs) and I just feel so,... "empty"? All the things I wanted to do, the plans and preparations I made to do stuff we wanted to do are all gone or we can't do them. Everything I wrapped myself up in is gone.

Right now, I can't talk to the wife about it. She's got 2 chemistry classes and a physics class all at once and it's taking all the strength and energy she can muster. I'm here to ensure she gets through it, not be a burden or risk her feeling guilty or unsure. 

I have, all my life, used a certain sense of familiarity with things, and certain activities to 'center' myself when things explode or I have inner turmoil. I feel like I'm on top of a big ball trying to balance and nothing to lean on, and no outlet for it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I hate to say this since what's done is done, but it seems a little strange to me that you had to give up a functioning business so she could go to school -- giving up a bird in the hand for only one in the bush. Can't take it back now, but something to examine in the future. Did you want to make this move in the first place? Did it seem to you like a good idea? Did she pressure you into it? Did you give in easily?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the meetup.com suggestion.

If you do not have the room for things that you enjoy at your place, could you rent a storage unit? YOu could store your toys here. 

Meet people who do what you enjoy and find the things where you live that you enjoy.


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