# Looking for Options



## johnwilliams (Jul 24, 2012)

I've been with my wife now for a long time. We have a kid and we have been happy for the most part. When she came into the marriage, she had no debt, but she also had no savings. My in-laws reminded me early and often how good they are with credit cards and how good it was that their daughter was entering the marriage without any debt. When we bought our house and had our kid around the same time, we did so with the understanding that she would go back to work. She never did because it cost too much to put the kid in day care. There were also not many employment opportunities. I became controlling with our money, for better or for worse. About three years into the marriage, her spending was getting out of control. New and expensive purses, new shoes, lots of clothing, expensive kids clothes, etc., were showing up regularly. We decided as a couple to really cut back. In a previous thread, I posted about how she had became very quiet and began to exhibit odd behaviors, such as always wanting to pick up the phone before me and always getting the mail before me. A short time ago, I finally confronted her and realized that she had been lying to me about the depth of our financial troubles. She had run up over sixty thousand in credit, had cashed out her 401k and had cashed out our kids' savings. I was devastated. 

Since then, she claims she has seen a financial planner. We saw a non-professional counselor, which seemed to have helped a little. Last week, I noticed that she again had a new purse and had bought new shoes. While I did not force the subject, I really had hoped she would have put together a plan and a budget. To date, I have seen neither. 

With a kid involved, I am really trying not to leave, but I am way past my breaking point. I have strongly considered just cutting her down to an allowance on top of the money she makes now that she has started working again. I want my daughter to have a good future. I am incredibly stressed, my hair literally has been falling out. I'm just generally depressed. I really wanted this marriage to work. I want to see a marriage counselor, but the feeling is not mutual on the other side. Perhaps I should tell her parents what she has done? Any advice on what the best options are for this situation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why didn’t you go to the financial planner with her? Financial planning needs to be a joint effort. 
If the two of you cannot work together on finances, and she is driving up debt, then divorce might be the only thing you can do to protect yourself.
Get the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. Both of you read it and take the advice. This way it’s a 3rd party who has the ideas of what you should be doing. It’s not you against her.

The basic rule of planning is this:
10% of every pay check goes into joint savings. (This can be 401Ks)
All the rest of pay (both of yours) is put into a joint account.
All bills are paid from the joint account (includes mortgage, utilities, internet, groceries, medical, normal clothing for the children, day care, etc etc.)
Whatever is left is split 50/50. That’s the mad money. You each can do with it whatever you want. This way, she can spend all her mad money on purse’s and kids things. 
Some couples split it 30/30/30 with one 30% share going to savings for special things like joint vacations and emergencies. 
If this was my marriage, there are checks and balances I’d put in place. Neither of you can have secret credit cards. All credit cards are paid off monthly. You both can join a service like lifelock so you can check your credit reports often… that way you both will know if the other is sneaking around driving up debt.

The book I suggested has a good discussion on how the ‘little’ things we blow money on are what keeps most people from having a good financial future. I think your wife needs to hear (read) it.


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## johnwilliams (Jul 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why didn’t you go to the financial planner with her? Financial planning needs to be a joint effort.
> If the two of you cannot work together on finances, and she is driving up debt, then divorce might be the only thing you can do to protect yourself.
> Get the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. Both of you read it and take the advice. This way it’s a 3rd party who has the ideas of what you should be doing. It’s not you against her.
> 
> ...


I asked to go with and promised it was just for the purposes of help as I know I am not perfect with planning and budgets, but the night we were supposed to go, the planner supposedly cancelled. Then when she had the appointment two weeks later, she didn't bother to invite me. There was no paperwork from him and she didn't tell me anything about what was discussed. I only assume she didn't go or she is hiding it from me for similar reasons as to hiding her credit debt. 

We tried that approach; however, she said it was too complicated for her to multiple accounts. I think I just need to do it, if only to protect kid.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has no job. She can only spend money you give her access to. I'd recommend getting her name off any line of credit. If you have direct deposit, have it go into an account in only your name. Deposit only what the budget allows her to spend into the joint account. You go to financial counselling with her. At least once a week, you go over the budget and check the bank balance with her. Maybe she overspent $60K, but that couldn't have happened if you had been paying attention, so this isn't a "her" problem. This is a couple problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She has no job. She can only spend money you give her access to. I'd recommend getting her name off any line of credit. If you have direct deposit, have it go into an account in only your name. Deposit only what the budget allows her to spend into the joint account. You go to financial counselling with her. At least once a week, you go over the budget and check the bank balance with her. Maybe she overspent $60K, but that couldn't have happened if you had been paying attention, so this isn't a "her" problem. This is a couple problem.


She has just stared working again.


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