# Questioning His Parenting



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

How do you navigate co parenting with your ex? We have temporary court orders in place to cover some things but other things we are struggling with. Like maintaining a consistent bedtime. DS will be 11 this year so enforcing bedtimes is difficult., but my aim is he has to be in bed reading by 9:30 so he falls asleep by 10 at the latest. His father lets him stay up til midnight and beyond. Then Mondays waking up for school is a nightmare. I am sure this is a common problem with a solution but if I bring it up then I am quesrioning his parenting and how would I like it if he questioned me. Any advice is welcome.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

When you divorce you get no control 50% of the time. It’s that simple. You have to let it go or it will just eat you alive. Look at it from the outside… you’re not his wife and it becomes almost laughable if you try to enforce yourself upon your ex. I understand that it is sound parent practice…. But now it’s just a control issue. There is no good solution


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> When you divorce you get no control 50% of the time. It’s that simple. You have to let it go or it will just eat you alive. Look at it from the outside… you’re not his wife and it becomes almost laughable if you try to enforce yourself upon your ex. I understand that it is sound parent practice…. But now it’s just a control issue. There is no good solution


True, but aren't we supposed to be able to discuss things? I don't want it to devolve into he is the good time parent while I clean up tbe mess afterwards on every issue.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Erudite said:


> How do you navigate co parenting with your ex? We have temporary court orders in place to cover some things but other things we are struggling with. Like maintaining a consistent bedtime. DS will be 11 this year so enforcing bedtimes is difficult., but my aim is he has to be in bed reading by 9:30 so he falls asleep by 10 at the latest. His father lets him stay up til midnight and beyond. Then Mondays waking up for school is a nightmare. I am sure this is a common problem with a solution but if I bring it up then I am quesrioning his parenting and how would I like it if he questioned me. Any advice is welcome.


Your best bet would be to talk about what is proven to best for the child (not your preferences) and keep it on that, not what you prefer or what he prefers. Kids need stability, and when living in two homes they tend to do better when the schedules are somewhat similar - even if that means you both compromise a bit. Kids his age also need 9-12 hours of sleep a night, which he is not getting.

If needed, you could talk with a children's counselor or doctor together. If he won't go, you could take their recommendations to him or to a mediator. Sometimes teachers will send an email or include it in a report card when the child is tired all the time. Some ex's will not care regardless of what you do, though. They care more about getting their way or a sense of control than the child's best interests. In that case, you have to just live with it unless the child's schedule is in the court order.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Erudite said:


> True, but aren't we supposed to be able to discuss things? I don't want it to devolve into he is the good time parent while I clean up tbe mess afterwards on every issue.


I agree totally but in my opinion the situation will remain the same. You can have that discussion but I believe your results will be short lived at best. What’s happening now is what he’s comfortable with. I’m not saying it’s right ….. but that’s the way it will probably remain.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Erudite said:


> True, but aren't we supposed to be able to discuss things? I don't want it to devolve into he is the good time parent while I clean up tbe mess afterwards on every issue.


Whats the custody split? If your ex only has weekends then he might just want the extra time so he is likely to keep it going the way he is. I agree with @Mr.Married, sure you can discuss it and if he decides he likes it the way he is doing it now, then thats what he will do.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You can try to tell him your expectations but I wouldn't count on any changes. Save yourself the frustration and just let it go.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> I agree totally but in my opinion the situation will remain the same. You can have that discussion but I believe your results will be short lived at best. What’s happening now is what he’s comfortable with. I’m not saying it’s right ….. but that’s the way it will probably remain.


I know you are right. Well we got the temp orders which he is already dodging so...


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Whats the custody split? If your ex only has weekends then he might just want the extra time so he is likely to keep it going the way he is. I agree with @Mr.Married, sure you can discuss it and if he decides he likes it the way he is doing it now, then thats what he will do.


He has him every other weekend. He lives an hour and a half away and taking DS every weekend was too much for him. It has nothing to do with wanting to spend more time and everything to do with not being an enforcer of rules. Keeping discussions child focused is difficult right now...


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Erudite said:


> He has him every other weekend. He lives an hour and a half away and taking DS every weekend was too much for him. It has nothing to do with wanting to spend more time and everything to do with not being an enforcer of rules. Keeping discussions child focused is difficult right now...


Yah it is what it is. He’s dad he has equal authority in making these decisions as you. I have a feeling the more you push the harder he’ll resist.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I can only imagine how hard it must be to only have your kid every other weekend. I am not bashing you in any way, but I honestly can't blame him for wanting to spend every waking moment possible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wasn’t responsible when you were married to him and he hasn’t changed. He’s going to do as he pleases and he doesn’t care if it impacts your son. Not everyone can or will co-parent effectively.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Erudite said:


> True, but aren't we supposed to be able to discuss things? I don't want it to devolve into he is the good time parent while I clean up tbe mess afterwards on every issue


In a perfect world you two would agree on every parenting issue. But guess what, you two are heading for divorce because you DO NOT agree on life issues.

This is your new reality. Just like marriage takes a lot of compromise to be successful so does shared parenting after divorce. As much as I believe in structure and routine staying up late a couple days every other week isn't the end of the world. Pick your battles carefully.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of you are very different people so it’s no surprise your parenting styles would be different. He’s going to do as he wishes and unless he’s putting your son in danger it’s unlikely the judge will care how he parents. That’s just how divorce with minor children tends to go.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Erudite said:


> True, but aren't we supposed to be able to discuss things? I don't want it to devolve into he is the good time parent while I clean up tbe mess afterwards on every issue.


Discuss yes, agree on everything? Never gonna happen - married or not.



Erudite said:


> He has him every other weekend. He lives an hour and a half away and taking DS every weekend was too much for him. It has nothing to do with wanting to spend more time and everything to do with not being an enforcer of rules. Keeping discussions child focused is difficult right now...


Do you mean it was too much every weekend for your son or his dad?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Erudite said:


> How do you navigate co parenting with your ex? We have temporary court orders in place to cover some things but other things we are struggling with. Like maintaining a consistent bedtime. DS will be 11 this year so enforcing bedtimes is difficult., but my aim is he has to be in bed reading by 9:30 so he falls asleep by 10 at the latest. His father lets him stay up til midnight and beyond. Then Mondays waking up for school is a nightmare. I am sure this is a common problem with a solution but if I bring it up then I am quesrioning his parenting and how would I like it if he questioned me. Any advice is welcome.


Unless it is a matter of illegality, different styles parenting can actually be good for children. It teaches them to adapt to new environments.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You have temporary orders in place. Isn't that so you can all see how that schedule is working? If so, it's not working for your son. Can you have new orders that include bringing him back by 8:30 on Sunday?

If he's already not following the plan, what is your legal recourse? I think the court would expect you to talk to him about any issues before taking legal action. Knowing that he isn't going to respond favorable isn't the issue. You still have to bring it up.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Erudite ,

As I understand it, you two do have temporary orders that say he can have his time with Dear Son (DS) every other weekend. Since you are the parent and STBXH is also a parent, you really can't "make him" send DS to bed at a consistent hour. However, you are DS's mom, and as such, you can teach HIM (your DS) the advantages of going to bed at a consistent time, and see if DS will at least go to bed earlier of his own free will...if dad refuses to send him. 

Let's be honest--DS is with you all school week, all weekend 1, all school week...and then he finally gets to go be by his dad. I have no doubt that it's a little fun to be able to stay up past midnight playing video games and goofing around, so most kids would indeed do that. Why not? And yep, I think we all agree that a consistent bedtime would be better parenting, but not all parents are the best parents. I mean, they came up with the name "Disney Dad" for a reason! And in a way, you can't blame STBXH either, because he wants his DS to want to be with him, so he's not about to lay down hardline rules for the two nights DS is with him. 

But you LIVE with DS. You are the one who provides for him, gets him fed and clothed, gets him to school, knows all his friends and all his homework. You are also the one mature parent DS has. So there's no reason you can't talk to DS and try to help him understand that you get it...staying up so late is fun...but then Monday morning is just SO PAINFUL. I mean, shoot, it's painful for DS too ya know! Thus, maybe DS himself could stay up past midnight Friday night with dad...stay up Saturday night too...but Sunday night, it's back to at least a bit better bedtime, like 10pm in bed reading for 10:30 sleep. 

In the end, your job is no longer to try to manipulate STBXH to be a better man or father. But your job definitely still is to be a mature parent for DS and help him learn the skills and tools he needs to navigate his own relationship with his own father. If dad won't get him to bed so Monday morning isn't painful, maybe DS needs to fend for himself and go to bed himself. Don't NAG him (DS)...but help him see how much better he feels when he's not dead tired! And he, DS, can care for himself.


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