# Something just doesn't feel right



## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

We've been together almost 8 years. Been through some pretty tough things over the last 2 years but I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Wife decided something she had let slip from her life was exercise that she loved doing so much in the past. Got back into it, really enjoying the loss of weight and the endorphins, etc. 

Out of the blue she reconnected with an old friend who is now single. They don't match at all, any way shape or form. Wife has major phobia about animal hair and this old friend has several cats and a house just covered with it. Old friend left her ex because of traits that were unhealthy for her and her daughter - traits that she and I have both recognized belong to my wife as well.

Every Sunday morning while I went to church they started going for hikes or bike rides. It was uncomfortable at first because my physical recovery from surgery was taking longer than expected and I felt like I was being left behind. But then the rides/hikes got longer and were cutting into time we would normally spend together so I grumped about it.

I thought we had worked through the insecurities and jealous issues I was having and come to acceptable plans that would help work us through them. These plans were that to reassure me she would tell me about contact made with this friend before I found out about it and started fussing about it. In turn rather than fussing and taking an adversarial position I would strive to feel comfortable asking questions about what was said, what happened, where they went, etc. Just like I do with other friends. 

But now I am suddenly acting like the 'mother' and am asked when I will give freedom to not be accountable anymore. I find she went to a coffee shop late at night with this friend when she refuses to enter a coffee shop with me because she hates the smell of the stuff. I find she borrowed the shower at the friends house to get cleaned up after a ride when she couldn't go home to shower and still make her appt. I find she has made a new email address, has password protected her computers and now she no longer wants me to ask questions. Evidently I picked up on an 'anomaly' that is that she can remember every detail of much of the conversation but some questions get a long pause and then an excuse of not being remembered. Also a Garmin GPS watch she uses for her runs and rides seems to only keep its charge when she is exercising with anyone else but dies when she is with this friend.

She says my concerns are driving her away and that in no way does that mean she is being driven toward this friend because they have been friends for a long time and they have never considered each others for even a quick screw. Top it all off the supposed stress my distrust is causing is now causing wife to have anxiety attacks and trouble with her master's program and work.

I don't know what to think or what to do. Is it all in my head. Is there anything wrong with her wanting this secrecy? Over all the previous years I've never had to really share her and I know having outside friends is healthy but something just doesn't feel right about this.

Any thoughts?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

I don't understand. Her old friend is a man or woman?


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## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

Woman. We are all women.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

She says the distrust is creating stress for her? I think you need to sit her down at the dinner table and tell her all the red flags she is throwing in your face. The GPS does not work when she is with only this one individual, the new email account, password protection, all of a sudden going into a coffee shop with other person but not you, no problem with cat hair, ect. Then ask point blank if she thinks this may create stress for you. If she still claims nothing is going on, tell her with all that has taken place you do not believe her but that you would like to be able to, ask if she is willing to take a polygraph. Watch for her facial reaction, just that may give you the answer.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think it is quite clear that she is having a physical affair with this man and is clearly playing you for a fool. Look what you have written:
1. You go to church and she goes hiking and riding with this guy.
2. She goes to late night coffee shop dates with this guy but she will not go to a coffee shop with you because she does not like the smell of coffee shops?
3. Why is she going on late night dates to coffee shops with a single guy while she is married to you?
4. ****She showers at this man's place to get ready for appointments? You know why she is showing and it is because she is in a physical affair. Your wife should not be showing in another man's house.
5. ***She has set up new email address and password protected her computer and does not want you to ask questions about her relationship with him. What is wrong with this picture? She is trying to hide her relationship with him from you.

Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to realize what is happening? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been?

She is having an affair right under your nose. She is not acting like a married woman at all but like a single woman instead. She is disrespecting and humiliating you as a spouse. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If you do not stand up for yourself and your marriage it will be too late. She is putting your health at risk for STD's. Why in the world are you accepting this behavior? All you do is grumble about it? You need to get your head out of the sand. Clearly she has no boundaries whatsoever and does not care how much she disrespects you. Enough is enough!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I just see that you are all women but the advise remains the same.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

You expressed your concern and she shut you down and tried to make you feel like you were imagining things and being motherly. 

what do you know, she's spending alot of time with this person, doing things out of her character, turning off her GPS when with this person ???, creating secret email accounts???????. She's PW protected her computer now????????????? She's clearly hiding something from you and i'd imagine the answer might be in that email account. How did you find out she had the secret email account?

Since she's not responding to your honest inquiries, you need to investigate to find out the truth, it seems. I would put a keylogger on the computer to find out what's going on in the secret email account. I would also read her text messages to this person and check online phone records to see how many messages with this person have been deleted.

If you can't access the computer to install the keylogger because it is password protected, then what?

Are you prepared to ask her to show you the contents of the emails NOW, without deleting anything, or else you assume the worst and walk? 

You know it sounds like they are having an affair. It's red flag after red flag.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Of course she is cheating, and she is lying.

So tell her to leave. There must be something keeping her with you instead of the OW. So demand that she gives you full transparency and she stops with the OW or she moves out. Why, because she clear as day is in a private relationship with someone who isn't you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

The shower was explained away as she didn't think anything of it because it never dawned on her to do anything. The night before when she had mentioned that for sake of her tight schedule she needed to find someplace to shower in town rather than come back to the house. I felt warning vibes so asked her to list specifically the places she thought she'd try. She thought she could go back to our court club and lose less time than coming all the way out to the house. Or that she could shower at work or at the university which is where her next stop was. Then she tells me she showered at this ladies house instead. Why would she tell me if she really did something? Wouldn't she have lied?

The Garmin GPS I think I have found a solution to. Since her workouts are so long and mine aren't I am going to insist she switch watches with me so she no longer has the problem.

She denies that she made a new gmail account but I found the confirmation of her doing it in the inbox of another account. She swears she has no knowledge of it. I started monitoriing her accounts when I accidently found out she had joined a bunch of online dating sites on a night that 'she had too much to drink' and doesn't know why she did it.

The coffee shop was because she didn't want to go over to this ladies cat hair covered house and the lady is in AA so it was the next best thing. It was after a presentation they went to about the stock market and was to talk over this ladies house she is trying to sell and give her some help with it. Claims she told me ahead of time that she was going to talk to her.

I have asked that she simply think first. Would this make my wife insecure or upset? If so call or text me first. If she would have called and asked if I had a problem with showering at this ladies house I'd probably have given my blessing but she didn't. If she would have called and said the presentation was over and she and this lady thought they'd kill two birds with one stone and get the advise about the house sale out of the way I'd have probably been fine. 

I really don't think she did anything the day she took a shower but accidents happen. I believe there are incidents where you are in the wrong place at wrong time or wrong emotional state of mind and you make a bad choice. So best thing to do is avoid those circumstances and she put herself right into one of the big ones that leave the door wide open for an accident.

She is naive and claims it as well as bad memory due to stress as crutches all the time. What a fool I'd be if she really is innocent? Example of naivety she didn't know what a lesbian was till her 3rd girlfriend! Living over the hill from the Castro district none the less!! 

I don't think she or the lady are interested in a relationship but an emotional affair is possible. I monitor the cell phone and they hardly talk but she has the email account plus her school account I can't access and work account. Has the work phone and skype on her phone so they could be talking or skyping constantly and I'd have no clue. I wanted to install the app that allowed me to trace everything she does on her phone but that means I'd have to jailbreak it and I don't want to do that.

I think the first message has a lot of good advice. As do all your other messages. I need to quit feeling and acting the victim, send her off happily, stop asking inquiring questions and start doing things that interfere with the times she wants to spend with me. If she is going to leave it is going to happen no matter what I do is one way of looking at it but the other way is that we need to hang on and I need to fight and cling to get us through the rest of our stress period so we can truly have all the loads off our backs and see how life can be. 

Still muddled in thought and in what to do. Will keep reading opinions and advice - really helps in that before I posted here I was beginning to believe I was crazy because she kept telling me I was making up the red flags. You all are helping me feel like I'm not so kooky crazy afterall. And that even if it is all innocent she needs to take steps to build my confidence back up - if all the red flags are false they still occurred at her doing and she therefore needs to make right on them. 

Look forward to more advice, etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds like she's cheating on u with the friend. Do u know why the friend is single? Could it be linked to her cheating on her last partner w ur wife? The email and dating sites excuse is total bull. She knows why she did it. Her claiming she doesn't know why she did it is so frrustrating and insulting (my exH gave me the saame excuse). Her turning off her watch tracker when she runs w said friend is a red flag. Get a VAR and place it in a hidden place. If she has a smartphone u can retrieve info w her sim card. Ur gut is prob right unfortunately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wait, is the friend male or female?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All three are females.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ohhhh oh lol. Then yea, I'd say cheating. Big time.

Shower at the other woman's house and she's not straight? Holy crap. I'd be more than suspicious.

Thanks for clearing that up, I didn't see that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not just that but she was intentionally trolling on dating sites while married. That is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Not just that but she was intentionally trolling on dating sites while married. That is cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I went into the sites and she hasn't looked at a single person attempting to contact her. I can figure out most of her passwords so I got into all these sites as her and she has not touched them but still to stoop so low certainly shows how much stress our relationship has been undergoing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't make excuses for her Miyun. That is hers to own. Definitely get a VAR. Install a keylogger on the comp. The next time she wants to hang out w the friend tell her "I want to come too" and see what she sats. I feel for u.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't make excuses for her Miyun. That is hers to own. Definitely get a VAR. Install a keylogger on the comp. The next time she wants to hang out w the friend tell her "I want to come too" and see what she sats. I feel for u.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is a VAR?

Yeah well they do it during time I'm at church. I skipped once to go with them to a music festival and it was pretty quiet but yer sposed to be listening not talking. Frankly my injuries will make going biking with them like I'm an invalid third wheel - pretty humiliating and my responsibilities at church make it so I can't skip to go with them. She says I'm more than welcome but basically when you make an invite to someone who can't keep up or who makes you slow down to keep up it is gonna do nothing but humiliate. No I'm pretty much done with the detective and trying to save the relationship side of things. If she can't understand that my concerns are justified whether they are true or not and can't figure out that she owes apologies and should help me by making adjustments in this friendship of hers than I doubt things can recover. Right now she swears it is all me so there is no need to apologize. No matter which way I turn I have much pain to my heart.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

VAR = voice activated recorder , you hide it in the car or in places where a private call can be made , secure it well and test it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If my wife was going out to run and spend time with another man, her clothes would be on the front lawn and the locks changed. Most importantly, she knows it.


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## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

chapparal said:


> If my wife was going out to run and spend time with another man, her clothes would be on the front lawn and the locks changed. Most importantly, she knows it.


Well in the lesbian world it is awfully complicated. Few straight women are comfortable with their men hanging out being buddies with a lesbian. Usually some unspoken tension when you do have the opportunity to have that kind of friendship because guys are guys and stereotypically speaking many can't get a 3-way out of their head. So we tend to befriend single straight women or other lesbians. 

I am sure it will absolutely floor you but I have had my ass grabbed and been flirted with by more straight women than by lesbians. We are a safe place for them to enjoy doing the pursuing. If they pursue - flirt like that with a guy - something is expected. They know they won't follow through with the lesbian because they weren't made that way. Except that I've had them cross the line to a bit more touchy feelly than is appropriate and found it best just to change from a friendship to a casual aquaintance. 

So now we are down to lesbians as friends. It is a matter that can develop extreme trust or distrust. It is easy to lean on your best friend, complain about your wife, talk smack about her snoring or cooking or whatever and next thing you know feelings have become to exposed and lines become foggy. They are clear with the straight girls because they like d*i*, although I have learned you just don't answer curiosity questions because the curiosity can effect their life with boyfriend/husband when they expect the consideration they learn exists. 

But I degress (or however you spell it). Bottom line is the same person whom we befriend with no intention of anything beyond friendship can have boundaries crossed. It is like wives sending their men off to play poker and smoke cigars only the men suddenly feel closer or got a bit looser than they intended because of that delicious Crown and cigars just weren't enough. If women knew there was that potential with their men or men knew there was that potential with their women no one would ever let their spouses out to play with their friends.

We have to because it is the safest choice. In my case I over drank for the last 5 years as a method for coping with my issues with my ex and our son and all the other crap. My wife put up with it, joined in more than she wanted, and through it all never wanted to develop friendships in the area because she wanted to move back to San Francisco. Well now that is changing and I am having trouble accepting the change. 

This lady is seriously not something my wife would be interested in. If anything there would be more risk if I was spending time with her because barring that she is an athiest and I a Christian we have extremely common beliefs and desires for our futures. No matter how much I know this I still have those natural physical, emotional and mental responses to my wifes failure to think and act more carefully.

We had a good talk this afternoon and she is going to question if each thing she is about to do would upset me and act appropriately. This means I'll get a call checking in. Really not bad on a myriad of levels. In this day and age I should know which path they take off biking on in case they don't come back. And she has volunteered (I didn't have to insist) to wear my GArmin GPS watch on their trips till hers gets fixed. Not that I can see where she is because she would have to upload it to a computer first. But because she thinks me seeing the goal of the pace and distance they are traveling might help inspire me to catch up as my physical setbacks allow so we can all three travel.

I still wait, am going to really try to focus on that first contributive post and try to be a happy fun loving spouse while I wait. I know it is only a few weeks and the weather will have closed in so hard that no one will be out on their bikes. If at that time there is biking activity and no uploaded GPS route I may revisit being insecure and consider the VAR but for now I need to show positive response to what seems like a positive effort on her part to ease the feeling that something isn't right.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

" We have to because it is the safest choice. In my case I over drank for the last 5 years as a method for coping with my issues with my ex and our son and all the other crap. My wife put up with it, joined in more than she wanted, and through it all never wanted to develop friendships in the area because she wanted to move back to San Francisco. Well now that is changing and I am having trouble accepting the change."

Is it possible your wife is having touble with these issues?


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## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

chapparal said:


> " We have to because it is the safest choice. In my case I over drank for the last 5 years as a method for coping with my issues with my ex and our son and all the other crap. My wife put up with it, joined in more than she wanted, and through it all never wanted to develop friendships in the area because she wanted to move back to San Francisco. Well now that is changing and I am having trouble accepting the change."
> 
> Is it possible your wife is having touble with these issues?


Most certainly she, and I, are having trouble with the realm of re-learning how to communicate. I now want to deal with things rather than hide them and their feelings behind a drink. AND I now find I have to deal with emotions and thoughts that I used to hide. She, in turn, has to deal with 'wow she want's to talk about it! - I thought I could avoid this' and 'she never had problems or cared about that before' issues. On top of all that we are transitioning to the first in the last 3 years period of time where we have not been taking care of foster kids (no I didn't drink uncontrollably when kids were around). They took up an inordinate amount of time and emotions and kept us able to put discussions off till another day. I completed my master's now she is completing hers (Transport Phenomenon is a killer). Just so much that throws all of this out of perspective. 

I'm thinking the part that doesn't feel right involves that she is seeking support for this new ground in areas that normally wouldn't be causing me insecurity because I could hide said insecurity behind a drink. Damn relationships are so flipping complex!!


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP,honey,just come right out and tell us what it is that doesn't feel right. Old Bartimaus is very understanding.


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## Miyun (Oct 29, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> OP,honey,just come right out and tell us what it is that doesn't feel right. Old Bartimaus is very understanding.


That made me smile Bartimaus.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm just the guy, with out any master degree or any formal education, but I do know one thing......your intiution is there for a reason and if you do not do the research and investigate the fact that there is a possibility of getting ripped off...emotionaly speaking then take this unconditional trust and see how far it gets you.

My point is to do the foot work that anyone would do to make sure their investment was worth while. Call it snooping or spying, but what ever, the bottom line is you diserve good things and have a right to validate any commitment others make to you...be it business or personal. It is a matter of protecting your self.

Investigate this feeling you have by quitely doing the research that will confirm someones loyality when it comes to matters of the heart.

Our hearts are more valuable then our money, but yet we do credit checks when it comes to doing business. When it comes to our heart and emotions we tend to not do the things we need to do to prevent us from getting ripped off (emotional pain) in the future.

If something doesn't feel right, its my experience, that it isn't. Do the painful lifting to either validate or dismiss your suspisions!


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## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

You're suspicions are correct. Trust your gut. This is not right.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

You are being replaced. Slowly but surely.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

RaceGirl said:


> You're suspicions are correct. Trust your gut. This is not right.





Sammiee said:


> You are being replaced. Slowly but surely.


 This is a Zombie thread from 2011, please let it die.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Cheaters will cheat, regardless of sexual proclivity.
OP, you have a cheater.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your girlfriend is having an affair. Full stop. Question is what are you going to do about it?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

C'mon people, check the date before you reply.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> C'mon people, check the date before you reply.


Hello McFly.:lol:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

This is yet another case of "The Walking Thread".


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