# Depression



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I was married for 17 years to my high school sweetheart. He gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and then I proceeded to find out that he was having an affair. After that, he became very mean and hateful and refuses to speak with me, even about our child. He went so far as to give up legal custody just to avoid having to deal with me. My divorce was finalized last month. As expected, I have good days and bad days, but this weekend it was almost like I sunk into a deep depression over the whole thing. I could barely make myself do anything all weekend and I just cried and cried over the fact that I am alone and I feel like my life got ripped apart and I had absolutely no say in it. I tried making myself go out and do things, I tried thinking about everything I have to be grateful for, etc. and nothing is making a difference - I just keep feeling sorry for myself! Any ideas on how to get moving in the right direction again?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

So sorry that you've found yourself joining us here, SP. This is a terrible story. I have to let you know -- he did not give up custody of his child so as not to deal with you. If he was a loving parent, he'd deal with anything to stay at co-parent to his child. He gave up custody because he doesn't want responsibility. How old is your child?

This is going to be a very hard thing for you, because not only are you dealing with your own feelings of abandonment, your child likely is, too, depending on age. That means you'll have to be there to provide extra love and care -- this is likely a hit to his/her self-esteem, too.

It's totally natural to become depressed over something like this. Don't beat yourself up!! Are you in any kind of therapy, or do you have friends/family you can talk to? Isolation is something you really need to avoid. 

Also, you're likely to hear that divorce is like a death -- in fact, I think it's worse. Death isn't someone leaving you by choice. Still, there is a period of grief, like there is with a death. Please read up on the seven stages of grief, and allow yourself to go through them at your own pace. It takes a while, and everyone is different. 

Have you spoken to your doctor? Many of us have found that even a short-term prescription of an anti-depressant can be very helpful to get over the hump. Other things you can try are physical activity -- especially if you can do something outdoors. The activity itself releases good chemicals into your system, and being outside in sunshine exposes you to vitamin D, which is necessary for maintaining a good mood. 

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. It is truly, truly painful. But, keep posting, and keep reaching out. Take care of yourself physically -- eat well, try to keep healthy sleep habits. And even though it may be the last thing on your mind, try to do things that will make you laugh. Watch comedies, try to get together with someone and just do something silly. It is really helpful to start replacing those sad thought with things that are the opposite.

((hugs)) to you, SP


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

specialplace said:


> I was married for 17 years to my high school sweetheart. He gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and then I proceeded to find out that he was having an affair. After that, he became very mean and hateful and refuses to speak with me, even about our child. He went so far as to give up legal custody just to avoid having to deal with me. My divorce was finalized last month. As expected, I have good days and bad days, but this weekend it was almost like I sunk into a deep depression over the whole thing. I could barely make myself do anything all weekend and I just cried and cried over the fact that I am alone and I feel like my life got ripped apart and I had absolutely no say in it. I tried making myself go out and do things, I tried thinking about everything I have to be grateful for, etc. and nothing is making a difference - I just keep feeling sorry for myself! Any ideas on how to get moving in the right direction again?


Wow, it's hard when you realize just how many people are hurting as a result of situations like this. I'm so sorry. My wife cheated on me and then left me and filed for divorce. She wanted nothing to do with me while she was gone. I had to sell our beautiful home and be away from my son for 6 days a week. She came by the house once for the ILYBINILWY talk, and I sat there crying because I still loved her so much, and I had even forgiven her for the affair. She is cold and totally unfeeling, and it sounds like your ex is the same.

It's totally natural for you to grieve over what is lost. I would be worried if you didn't. About the deep depression you are feeling, how bad is it? Do you have any suicidal thoughts? I ask because there was a point after I found out about the affair that I wanted to off myself... but I got help (during which my wife left, when I needed her support most). There are a few things that really helped me out:

1) Seek help in medicine and counseling. I did, because my depression was debilitating and I needed just to talk some things through.

2) Reach out to supportive family and friends. This was a big one and still continues to be. I started getting involved at church and talking nightly with my mom, whom I have not had a close relationship with in years.

3) Start a new hobby. It's amazing what this can do to keep you busy and many times you will make new friends in the process. Go to Meetup.com and find a group of people that share the same passion. Also, do things you could not do before becuase the spouse never wanted to. 

4) Take care of yourself, physically. If you are not already, start going to the gym or take a yoga class. This definitely boosts the self-esteem (especially after infidelity - trust me). Also, eating better definitely helps.

5) Don't put your self worth in the fact that you are divorced and that the ex has been mean to you. It takes two to make a marriage work, and he obviously did not want to put in the effort to have a successful marriage. You can only control one person, you! 

I am a couple of steps behind you but I have gone through quite a range of emotions. It will get better though and you will come away from this much much stronger than you ever thought possible. Keep posting here, there are so many people who want to help.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I have to let you know -- he did not give up custody of his child so as not to deal with you. If he was a loving parent, he'd deal with anything to stay at co-parent to his child. He gave up custody because he doesn't want responsibility.


:iagree: I was thinking exactly the same!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Special, (And I mean it!)

Don't worry if you have some crying days just try not to have too many in a row.

I wish I could call you right now and give you a professional counseling session because you would not believe how magical they are. Do it if you have not already. As a friendly order, you are not allowed to come back here without getting counseling.

I strongly suggest you speak to someone in a church, either the pastor or someone who is a regular church goer that can help you engage some divine assistance. Even if you are not religious, the caring from religious people is amazing. My pastor was the first person I broke down to and I thank God for her being there that day because I was damn near a nervous/emotional breakdown.

This might sound a little odd but you might consider acupuncture. I go for other issues but my acupuncturists are some of the most caring doctors I have ever met. They worked on my QI(our human energy), my sleeping, my eating, my drinking. Wow, it was amazing.

This is an important time for you to experiment with all of the constructive things to try to help you heal.

Hugs,
Stretch


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

There is already a lot of good advice here. So, I can't add much except some encouragement and support. Hugs and prayers are going out to you now.


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