# Thought Wife Was Cheating, She found the VAR-- Now Wants Divorce



## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Title says it all. I've been on this forum since March, have 2 previous threads Thought she was cheating based on suspicious behavior and gut feeling. Since then have tried everything including VAR's, cell phone monitoring, keyloggers, GPS trackers. Nothing conclusive ever revealed but just enough to keep my suspicions alive. I was slowly coming to a point of piece of mind when she found a VAR in the bedroom, then discovered a receipt from a PI. Now it's over. She says NO TRUST, NO MARRIAGE.

She may very well have been cheating, on the otherhand I just may be a jealous, insecure Bastard who threw away a good thing. She's moving out this week with our two beautiful kids. Divorce already filed, and she is resolute about not reconciling.

This may be a painful lesson to some about taking this stuff too far, or just just a clever, lucky girl who bided her time, waiting for me to make a mistake so she could exit as the 'good girl'.

Anyways I may never know. What I do know is I am in misery.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Can you bullet point why you were suspicious in the first place?
Sounds like an extreme reaction to me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Her reaction is a bit over the top. Would I be upset if I were not cheating? Probably. Would I divorce? No. I would have wanted to understand what had happened.

What did you find that kept your suspicions going?


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

said she was unhappy with me, A couple of late nights after work about an hour or so, not sleeping with me saying I'm snoring. Tried several antidepressants be she discontinued because of side effects. Went to 6 weeks of marriage counseling, worked for a while but then suspicious behaviour again.

It's probably me


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

Naw... She is either cheating and wanted out or just wanted out... This was always going to happen, dont beat yourself up.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Her reaction is a bit over the top. Would I be upset if I were not cheating? Probably. Would I divorce? No. I would have wanted to understand what had happened.
> 
> What did you find that kept your suspicions going?


a phone message from a strange jamaican guy asking for a date

strange profile a website call 'explore talent' advertising as a dancer with sexy pics posted.

She's filipino and her filiino bf's and other men were friending her every day. 

Much I already posted on previous threads
but the latest ws her flirting with a Black kid on the front line at the fast food where she worked. Witnessed by coworkers of mmine, This kid was asking to go home with her and she did not discourage it


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

FryFish said:


> Naw... She is either cheating and wanted out or just wanted out... This was always going to happen, dont beat yourself up.


Most agree she wanted out, although from my perspective we had great times, and it looked like she thought so too.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Why are you letting her move out with your two kids? If she wants out, she goes, kids stay in the family home. If you allow this then you will be setting a precedent that can work against you for custody unless, of course, you don't want any custody. 

If you want your kids with you, you tell her. If she takes them anyway, file for custody and the jugde will almost certainly keep them in the family home while the D proceeds.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

She was and still is playing you. Period. Sorry, but whenever any spouse says the stuff outta the Cheater's Handbook, it just speaks volumes to me. Be happy she's leaving...but you need to think about your children now. How much custody do you want? Cuz if you want 50/50, you're gonna need to step up and say she can't just take the kids out of the house.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

One of the most common events that involve infidelity is the wayward spouse asking for divorce, through with it, tired of it, no more love, no more fire and chemistry, its boring, its habitual AND basically for no reason whatsoever.

Your wife may not be guilty but if she really loved you she'd probably help assure you that she isn't cheating.

I would become even more transparent if my spouse ever believed I was cheating. I'd let her know where I am, full access to cellphone, kill the friends for a year or so, no opposite sex friends, no dinners without the wife, no working late hours, no social networking use, never take to long getting milk at the grocery store etc etc etc


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> Title says it all. I've been on this forum since March, have 2 previous threads Thought she was cheating based on suspicious behavior and gut feeling. Since then have tried everything including VAR's, cell phone monitoring, keyloggers, GPS trackers. Nothing conclusive ever revealed but just enough to keep my suspicions alive. I was slowly coming to a point of piece of mind when she found a VAR in the bedroom, then discovered a receipt from a PI. Now it's over. She says NO TRUST, NO MARRIAGE.
> 
> She may very well have been cheating, on the otherhand I just may be a jealous, insecure Bastard who threw away a good thing. She's moving out this week with our two beautiful kids. Divorce already filed, and she is resolute about not reconciling.
> 
> ...


My gut instinct is that she IS AND WAS cheating and is most likely a very experienced serial cheater. 

That is why you found NO EVIDENCE. 

No one would leave a marriage simply due to finding a VAR. There is a reason WHY you were suspicious. 

And as annoying as it may be to find your spouse does not trust you, it is not as damaging as finding out about an affair, and it is not a valid reason for leaving a marriage.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Don't second guess yourself, if your gut told you something was going on, it probably was. She is using the VAR as an excuse do do something she wanted to do all along.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

She's not leaving you because you planted a VAR. She's leaving you because she's cheating and now is afraid your increased security will eventually catch her.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree... she was done. Whether it was cheating or walkaway wife syndrome, she wanted out. I know that it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will be better off without her. Allow yourself the necessary time to grieve and be there for your kids. They will need your strength right now more than ever.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> I was slowly coming to a point of piece of mind when she found a VAR in the bedroom, then discovered a receipt from a PI. Now it's over. She says NO TRUST, NO MARRIAGE.


Always trust your gut. 


remorseful strayer said:


> My gut instinct is that she IS AND WAS cheating and is most likely a very experienced serial cheater.
> 
> That is why you found NO EVIDENCE.
> 
> No one would leave a marriage simply due to finding a VAR. There is a reason WHY you were suspicious.





Baffled01 said:


> She's moving out this week with our two beautiful kids. Divorce already filed, and she is resolute about not reconciling.


Why are you allowing her to move out with your children? You are both their parents and have equal right to have the children with you until custody is settled. Don't fall on your sword being Mr. Nice Guy and allow her to walk all over you.

I would tell her she can leave but the kids will be staying in the home. As soon as she moves out, file for exclusive use of the marital home and temporary custody of the children.

Read this, it will help you sort some things:THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

C3156 said:


> Always trust your gut.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We've already decided on joint custody with her as the primary. We've only been married 5 years so no house, no 401k, just a child support payment which should be manageable by me. I could fight for custody but it would only cost more and I would probably still lose. She is also only getting a couch and TV and couple of small pieces of furniture.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

*Don't fold this hand. re-raise, then snap call if she jams*


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *Don't fold this hand. re-raise, then snap call if she jams*


2+2 forum advice works well here


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> We've already decided on joint custody with her as the primary. We've only been married 5 years so no house, no 401k, just a child support payment which should be manageable by me. I could fight for custody but it would only cost more and I would probably still lose. She is also only getting a couch and TV and couple of small pieces of furniture.


Unless you're a documented drug addict and violent person, 50/50 is more likely. That's if you actually want 50/50. It appears you're happy with her taking only a handful items from the house but missing what's most important, your kids.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Although hard, you would do better by letting her go.

Then, you don't have to live with suspicions .


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## Meal (Dec 11, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> Title says it all. I've been on this forum since March, have 2 previous threads Thought she was cheating based on suspicious behavior and gut feeling. Since then have tried everything including VAR's, cell phone monitoring, keyloggers, GPS trackers. Nothing conclusive ever revealed but just enough to keep my suspicions alive. I was slowly coming to a point of piece of mind when she found a VAR in the bedroom, then discovered a receipt from a PI. Now it's over. She says NO TRUST, NO MARRIAGE.
> 
> She may very well have been cheating, on the otherhand I just may be a jealous, insecure Bastard who threw away a good thing. She's moving out this week with our two beautiful kids. Divorce already filed, and she is resolute about not reconciling.
> 
> ...


YOU DID NOTHING WRONG-
If she was not cheating or screwing around in some way, she would not be so quick to call it quits.
Ask her if she would have done the same to you and explain that you would have expected her to treat you the same way.

If she runs... She was cheating on you in some form.
Don't be miserable. She is the tainted one not you.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't let her have primary custody.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Not for nothin...but there are a lot of guys out there who DON'T want primary custody regardless if their wives cheated or not. Just wanted to put that out there cuz it seems we always advise the male BS's to get custody of the children. It's why I asked him what type of custody he wanted. He's already agreed to her being primary cuz it's what he wanted.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Not for nothin...but there are a lot of guys out there who DON'T want primary custody regardless if their wives cheated or not. Just wanted to put that out there cuz it seems we always advise the male BS's to get custody of the children. It's why I asked him what type of custody he wanted. He's already agreed to her being primary cuz it's what he wanted.


She has primary because it's the simplest solution at this point. I'll have plenty of time with the kids. Every other weekend and every Friday after school, plus she is not far so I can pick them up after school too. 

But I'll be watching her. She works at a fast-food that doesn't exactly attract quality workers. And I already know that most of the guys there are dying to get in her pants. Let her start bring home some of these vermin and I will take those kids away.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

And how are things now?


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

We divorced last January. A couple of months later she wanted to get back together. We didn't, but as of now we are amicable and working together to make things good for the kids. Neither of us are dating and I don't see any signs of another guy, but I still don't trust her.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The age difference between you is big... you can sleep with her for fun, but beware of STDs.

Is she becoming a better person?


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Yeah, the age difference is big. I knew I was taking a chance, so I can't really whine and cry too much. But that was my second divorce involving children in ten years, and it really takes the wind out of your sails. My first wife left for the OM after 14 years of marriage. I divorced, never looked back.

This time, having young toddlers that are difficult to manage for one parent, we have a 'friends with benefits' relationship going on. But you're right STD's are always a concern. 

She told me she was going to prove that she wasn't cheating, but truthfully she still friends and chats with other guys on FB, and she seems to change her mind every month, so no I haven't noticed any real change.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> One of the most common events that involve infidelity is the wayward spouse asking for divorce, through with it, tired of it, no more love, no more fire and chemistry, its boring, its habitual AND basically for no reason whatsoever.
> 
> Your wife may not be guilty but if she really loved you she'd probably help assure you that she isn't cheating.
> 
> I would become even more transparent if my spouse ever believed I was cheating. I'd let her know where I am, full access to cellphone, kill the friends for a year or so, no opposite sex friends, no dinners without the wife, no working late hours, no social networking use, never take to long getting milk at the grocery store etc etc etc


THIS IS REALLY BAD ADVISE....because it forces you to steep very very low and act like a junior high kid. The way I see it, if you have to lay down such rules for the other spouse then you do not have a marriage worth saving. It's demeaning to all parties and WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FORCE SOMEONE TO PLAY THESE GAMES IF THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU, OR HAVE DONE THINGS TO KILL (FOREVER) TRUST?!?

The better thing to do is to divorce and cut them loose. This is the only honorable and dignified thing to do. 

Don't soil nor cheapen your good name by laying down such stupid laws. If the other spouse is really remorseful and wants the marriage to work, they'll follow those rules automatically and with out you even bringing them up.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> ...we have a 'friends with benefits' relationship going on. But you're right STD's are always a concern.


She ripped your heart out, you suspect she's banging her fast food coworkers and possibly several other guys around the globe, and you're doing the FWB thing? 

IMHO, you're F**King up by doing this. Be amicable as you raise your kids with her, but move on.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Hmmm well I am sort of on both sides of this. I recently left my husband because he made constant accusations against me and actively tried to catch me cheating on him. But, here's the thing....he had cheated on me and like the things you have seen with your wife, he displayed those traits, NOT ME. His accusations were completely unwarranted. Did you hound her in the past? Have you cheated? In the answers are no, coupled with the few red flags you've seen, I would say she is guilty or at least was looking for an out. Just let her go, you deserve better.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Your wife is one of those little kiddos who break the vase and accuse the parents to have put it on her playground.

Even if I know nothing about life, I know that a person's instincts about infidelity are NEVER wrong.

Your wife is projecting.

Found a VAR and wants a divorce on such short notice, with solid determination no less?

Please. This is a no brainer.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

No I never cheated. I didn't hound her, but I did present her with the facts and asked her if she was cheating.(I know...big mistake, but that was before I came to TAM) Of course she denied it.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> She ripped your heart out, you suspect she's banging her fast food coworkers and possibly several other guys around the globe, and you're doing the FWB thing?
> 
> IMHO, you're F**King up by doing this. Be amicable as you raise your kids with her, but move on.


Honestly, that's what I'm wrestling with right now. I watch the kids at her apt. while she works night shift as a waitress. (She quit the fastfood) She gives me a little break in the child-support and I get to see my kids almost every night. So it's good for me but better for her as she makes more money at night and gets cheap childcare. The kids are happier also.

The problem is I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not really sure where this is going or what it will lead to. The 'benefits' are fewer and farther between and she acts like it's a chore-- like the last year of our marriage. Funny thing is when we started this, after the divorce, we enjoyed some of the most passionate sex ever in our relationship.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

The most passionate sex is after a break up. The longing, the unsurety, the lack of security in the relationship, the not knowing where you stand, and the unknown of the future?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> Honestly, that's what I'm wrestling with right now. I watch the kids at her apt. while she works night shift as a waitress. (She quit the fastfood) She gives me a little break in the child-support and I get to see my kids almost every night. So it's good for me but better for her as she makes more money at night and gets cheap childcare. The kids are happier also.
> 
> The problem is I feel like I'm in limbo. *I'm not really sure where this is going or what it will lead to*. The 'benefits' are fewer and farther between and she acts like it's a chore-- like the last year of our marriage. Funny thing is when we started this, after the divorce, we enjoyed some of the most passionate sex ever in our relationship.


Sounds like you are still at her feet. Why would you put your future back into her hands? Be a stronger man, and lead yourself into a healthier lifestyle.

She sounds like she likes attention and excitement.

Sex can be cheap and easy. Don't let freebie sex cloud your judgement. If you want a relationship, spend your time finding a better woman.

I get the kid stuff. It seems you would be a better father if you settled down with a better woman, and gave your children some stability and structure. If you stay single, at least make them your focus instead of the weird FWBs thing going on with the ex.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> The 'benefits' are fewer and farther between and she *acts like it's a chore*-- like the last year of our marriage.


No FN way, man. You're getting duty s*x from your ex?

Move forward.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> Honestly, that's what I'm wrestling with right now. I watch the kids at her apt. while she works night shift as a waitress. (She quit the fastfood) She gives me a little break in the child-support and I get to see my kids almost every night. So it's good for me but better for her as she makes more money at night and gets cheap childcare. The kids are happier also.
> 
> The problem is I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not really sure where this is going or what it will lead to. The 'benefits' are fewer and farther between and she acts like it's a chore-- like the last year of our marriage. Funny thing is when we started this, after the divorce, we enjoyed some of the most passionate sex ever in our relationship.


So you're supposed to put your life on hold so she can do what she wants when she wants and how she wants? When do you get to move on and find another woman or just find happiness?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> THIS IS REALLY BAD ADVISE....because it forces you to steep very very low and act like a junior high kid. The way I see it, if you have to lay down such rules for the other spouse then you do not have a marriage worth saving. It's demeaning to all parties and WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FORCE SOMEONE TO PLAY THESE GAMES IF THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU, OR HAVE DONE THINGS TO KILL (FOREVER) TRUST?!?


You misread his post. It is good advice.

He didn't say anything about laying down rules. He said if he was accused of cheating, he would do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to prove the accusation wrong. Then he listed all the ways he would make his significant other feel secure.



> If the other spouse is really remorseful and wants the marriage to work, they'll follow those rules automatically and with out you even bringing them up.


That's exactly what he said except he used specific examples and it wasn't about a cheating spouse, it is about an accusation.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Ok after that pretty much unanimous advice, I had a heart to heart with the ex over our present situation. I told her we needed to define our relationship and determine where we are going and whether or not to get back together. She told me honestly, she wasn't sure she wanted to reconcile, so we have both agreed to move on.

I know I'll miss the kids and they'll miss seeing me every day but I think this is for the best.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> Even if I know nothing about life, I know that a person's instincts about infidelity are NEVER wrong.


Oh yes they are. 

My husband (now a cheater) once accused me of cheating. Yes, I was hiding some stuff I was doing on the internet, and he noticed that I closed web pages when he came into the computer room. It happened around the same time my work duties increased and I started to work late a lot (which was a situation that unfortunately didn't let up - I left that job because the expectations had become unreasonable and took time away from my husband!). I was indeed hiding some internet activity - I had ordered a special gift for his birthday, then kept tracking the package.

His accusation had me in tears.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

She is projecting on you. Turning her guilt onto you to shame you and try to make you feel bad.

Several weeks ago I found out my wife had still been emailing someone that she had an affair with a couple of years ago. I found out by calling the OM's girlfriend and letting her know. The OM then emailed my wife. I didn't say anything, let her come to me, which she did several days later. 

Guess how she brought it up? She accused me of 3 very benign things, trying to catch me in a lie I guess. Then when I told her what I found out she said to me "I think you are having an affair, you've had more underwear than usual in the dirty clothes!".

Yeah, think she might have been covering something up by tossing it back on me?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> Several weeks ago I found out my wife had still been emailing someone that she had an affair with a couple of years ago. I found out by calling the OM's girlfriend and letting her know. The OM then emailed my wife. I didn't say anything, let her come to me, which she did several days later.
> 
> Guess how she brought it up? She accused me of 3 very benign things, trying to catch me in a lie I guess. Then when I told her what I found out she said to me "I think you are having an affair, you've had more underwear than usual in the dirty clothes!"


This rationalization always kills me. 

"It' okay for me to do wrong because you are doing wrong." "Oh, I'm not going to talk to you about it, but I will save it for a bad situation."

Husbands and wives can be so damn stupid when it comes to communication.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

verpin zal said:


> Even if I know nothing about life, I know that a person's instincts about infidelity are NEVER wrong.


This is not true. 

"statistics show that 85% of women, and 50% of men eventually discover their suspicions were right and their spouse was cheating"

Are You Suspicious? -- Alternatives to Spying on Your Spouse


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I am sure that, she is as PURE as the driven snow! NOT! She is playing you. She has no love or respect for you. She will not tell you the truth EVER! Dump her fast. Start doing things that you have always wanted to do. Life is short, live hard.
Do not morn her passing, enjoy your new freedom.
JM2C David


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Baffled01 said:


> She has primary because it's the simplest solution at this point.


Hope you are adjusting to life as the 2 weekend a month dad and some time in between.

It always frosts me that a woman can cheat(I'm assuming you think she did whether no evidence or not) and get primary custody. But as you said, probably the simplest choice.

The upside is that if the X wants to be the custodial parent, then she should also take everything that comes with that. That would include not being able to use you as a babysitter if she needs time away. I know, you will want your kids any chance you get. But don't let her pawn them on you so she can have time to herself. She doesn't get to use you anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vellocet said:


> Hope you are adjusting to life as the 2 weekend a month dad and some time in between.
> 
> It always frosts me that a woman can cheat(I'm assuming you think she did whether no evidence or not) and get primary custody. But as you said, probably the simplest choice.
> 
> The upside is that if the X wants to be the custodial parent, then she should also take everything that comes with that. That would include not being able to use you as a babysitter if she needs time away. I know, you will want your kids any chance you get. But don't let her pawn them on you so she can have time to herself. She doesn't get to use you anymore.


I disagree with this. 

I would take my children every chance I had. If the other parent wants a sitter while they date.. it's their loss.

I would however make sure that the children were in my home and I'd keep a detailed record. For example photos showing the newspaper for the day so that there is proof of the number of days they were with me.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I think OP's wife is a serial cheater and was looking for an out.
Don't be in Limbo, let her go.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree with this.
> 
> I would take my children every chance I had. If the other parent wants a sitter while they date.. it's their loss.


Well I think you and I actually agree then.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree with this.
> 
> I would take my children every chance I had. If the other parent wants a sitter while they date.. it's their loss.
> 
> I would however make sure that the children were in my home and I'd keep a detailed record. For example photos showing the newspaper for the day so that there is proof of the number of days they were with me.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Take the kids any chance you can... If she wants you to watch your kids... do it. Take note of it. Enjoy it! You don't have to do it all the time but take them. You won't ever get the missed time back.

Don't mess with her... Stay away...


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is not true.
> 
> "statistics show that 85% of women, and 50% of men eventually discover their suspicions were right and their spouse was cheating"
> 
> Are You Suspicious? -- Alternatives to Spying on Your Spouse


Those were the figures I heard also.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This is not true.
> 
> "statistics show that 85% of women, and 50% of men eventually discover their suspicions were right and their spouse was cheating"
> 
> Are You Suspicious? -- Alternatives to Spying on Your Spouse


But what do you think the odds are by the time someone posts their suspicions here?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Baffled01 said:


> Title says it all. I've been on this forum since March, have 2 previous threads Thought she was cheating based on suspicious behavior and gut feeling. Since then have tried everything including VAR's, cell phone monitoring, keyloggers, GPS trackers. Nothing conclusive ever revealed but just enough to keep my suspicions alive. I was slowly coming to a point of piece of mind when she found a VAR in the bedroom, then discovered a receipt from a PI. Now it's over. She says NO TRUST, NO MARRIAGE.
> 
> She may very well have been cheating, on the otherhand I just may be a jealous, insecure Bastard who threw away a good thing. She's moving out this week with our two beautiful kids. Divorce already filed, and she is resolute about not reconciling.
> 
> ...


If I found out my spouse was secretly trying to track my every move to point of cell phone, computer, var, and a PI I would be very much like your wife.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I just have to chime in here - my ex was an abusive controlling person and constantly accused me of cheating. I remember one time when I was going to the store to get several items, and while I was out I remember that I needed to pick up a book I had put on hold at the library. When I returned, he was furious because it had taken me 15 minutes longer than he had allowed for the shopping. I told him exactly what I did and even showed him the book, but he said I was not allowed to do anything other than what I had said I was going to do. Needless to say, eventually I had enough and that's why he's my ex. I can sympathize with the wife in this case, if I was accused of cheating when I wasn't, I would be out of there so fast and wouldn't look back.


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## joygirl (Aug 19, 2013)

I really find it strange that everyone here thinks if a woman gets very upset for being suspected, trailed and accused of cheating, then the only explanation is, she's cheating. 

I know I'll be more than shattered if my H thinks I could be cheating and then goes ahead to put a VAR in my room and hiring a PI to follow me about. If I don't leave, I'll make him pay for the insult so bad that he'd wish I left.

And the talk about your gut always being right is crap if a man (or woman) is terribly insecure.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Depends on the circumstances, even if you're NOT cheating, you're spouse may have reasonable suspicions based upon certain red flags and certain behavior you've been exhibiting. 

If my wife suspected me and I KNEW I wasn't cheating, but I also understood how she could misread some of the red flags. I would say,"OK go ahead and spy on me. I have nothing to hide, and I'll prove it."

It's funny how it's mostly the wives who quickly throw up their hands and walk away from the marriage when the going gets tough. 

Trust is not, and should not be automatic in a relationship, especially in this day and age of covert cell phones, social networking, and web sites promoting infidelity. Trust is BUILT on a foundation of honesty and openness, and only a fool trusts without this. If trust is lost due to precarious events, then couples who truly care about staying together need to work together to rebuild that trust. 

Otherwise, it's just a convenient way out for a spouse that was looking for a way out in the first place.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

One other thing is that I never even raised an eyebrow in our relationship while she worked at that job for three years. Until she came back from her trip, and this new manager began to take notice of her and shower her with compliments and raises. That's when she changed. That's a big red flag. 

In my first marriage, my wife had a close personal relationship with a co-worker at the supermarket where she worked. He was married, and we were all friends even going out together. He'd call her on the phone. They'd talk, and I never once raised an objection. One day I came home from work early, tried to open the door, but it was locked and deadbolted. I heard some scurrying around inside. Opened the door to find this coworker sitting on my couch smoking a cigarette. I asked, "where's my wife?" And he replied in a shaky voice, "in the bathroom." He also said his wife had just left. (A lie) Bathroom door was locked so I pounded on it and she finally opened it. About that time I hear the front door slam closed as he hightailed it. She of course denied everything saying he just came over unexpectedly.

I still to this day wonder if I was five minutes too early or five minutes too late. Spouses getting really close with opposite sex coworkers almost always turns out bad.

That's when I lost trust. Never gained it back. She didn't really do anything to help me regain it. She just took to POV as the previous poster, trust me or else.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I wouldn't get upset if my husband placed a GPS on our car. I don't have a password on my phone, or iPad (except when traveling). I would hand both over anytime he asked. If he hid a VAR and I found it I would ask him why he was suspicious - I wouldn't demand a divorce. Do you know why? Because I have nothing to hide!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

How did she find the var. Did she know you suspected her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

workindad said:


> How did she find the var. Did she know you suspected her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was stupid. She saw me putting it in the laundry basket one morning before I left for work. Yes, we had discussions before about the possibility that she was cheating.


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