# need perspective



## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I am hoping that other women out there have been where I am...after being a part of this forum (going through divorce/separation section in particular), I see that we are all so similar in our different circumstances. Anyway, my husband moved out at the end of September. In the beginning of November, we started having sex---just that. Then after a few times, he broke it off---said he felt bad and that he didn't want to give me any hope he was coming back. Fast forward to beginning of December, he reached out to me so we started seeing each other--he said I miss you and I don't want you entirely out of my life (I feel the same way) and now, we're dating or he refers to it at times as "hanging out." There are no 'emotions,' no I love yous, no romance persay but we do go out---actually we do more fun things now then we did when we were living together. So I'm in this strange dating my husband thing and I'm afraid to let my guard down, but I did a bit last night, he was posting something on the internet and our address was listed in his contact info--he said "don't live there anymore" and it hurt me, so I made some sort of comment to that effect and he said "listen, if you're gonna get like that then we can't hang out anymore" then he said "maybe we shouldn't do this tonight" (we had a night out planned) and I told him that I was ok and that I had been looking forward to it all day---we went and it was fun. Went back to his place, no sex, just sleep, I leave early when I stay there because of my dog and I asked him if we were ok---he said yes but I feel vulnerable now and as if he may run (again). Sorry for long post---I need some perspective from folks who may have been (or are) where I am. btw, I love him and I'm not allowed to acknowledge it to him (or to anyone for that matter) so maybe that's part of what's screwing me up too..


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

He is having his cake and eating it too. He is stringing you along so when he can't get a booty call somewhere else he can go to you.

This is toxic to your soul and self worth girl. Get away from him. Life is short, find someone that will treat you well.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I've btdt too....and it went nowhere for me. 

I THOUGHT we had thuroughly discussed not dating anyone else, working on the M, seeing if we want to move forward or call it done. Apparently he didn't remember that talk.... to him it really was just "hanging out" w/benefits. I don't even think it was intentional, just a lack of consideration for me and my feelings (which really really was nothing new!), and no intention of WORKING on a relationship. Period. Once I figured this out, I quit seeing him...for any reason. If he wasn't invested in me, or us, then I was done. This was after 23 years of marriage. 

The point is, IF he really wants YOU and the marriage, he'd work with you, talk with you and have that as his goal. Doesn't sound like that is what he is doing. He wants you to be his friend w/benefits, which in no way benefits you. He is not into the marriage or WORKING on improving the relationship. 

I think I'd tell him that IF we are going to continue to hang out and act like this is some kind of relationship, then we agree to NOT date anyone else and we actively pursue marriage counseling. Period. Nothing else would be showing forward movement. If he is saying he doesn't want to get your hopes up....then believe him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It would rip my freaking heart out to do what you're doing. Knowing my personality, it would get to the point where we'd need to acknowledge it was 'dating' even if there wasn't an outcome in mind other than seeing how it goes....or I'd want a clean break. I can be a bit all or nothing at times though. I would likely be going into self-preservation mode and figuring out how I'm going to move forward without him in my life. 

If there's a chance of reconciliation, that's a different matter. Being his ***k buddy would be too emotionally hard for me and I wouldn't be able to get my head straight for what I needed to do for myself.


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