# What do I do now?



## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

I am 64 years old, my wife is 45, and we have known each other for 12 years and have been married for ten years. She has never had and doesn’t want children; I have two from previous marriage. I took early retirement and we moved in late 2006. The house was OK to live in but needed further restoration to make our dream home. I know that up to July last year she was happy with our relationship. Then in late July we discovered that I had cancer on my left kidney and part of my spine. I had an operation to remove the kidney, and then started on anti-cancer drugs to kill the cancer on my spine. Since November the drugs have working well, though making me very ill with the side effects. I am still taking the medication and have lost 35pounds in weight. In late March I had a scan which showed no sign of the cancer; I have to have another in June. After the scan my wife’s attitude changed and any affection stopped. With a days notice she told me she was very depressed and having a nervous breakdown and needed some time on her own to ‘sort her head out’ and left on early April to stay about 15 miles away. I have seen her a few times and we have talked a little. She says she wants to do things for herself, be on her own, live life to the full, she cares for me a great deal, when pressed a little on the subject of love for me, says she cannot just stop loving me after 12 years. She has now criticised me for not completing house restoration quick enough for her, not taking her on enough holidays, and the usual complaints about intimate things. She has obviously been thinking about leaving for a few months, but waited until I was a little better. 
I love her deeply, but I don’t know that in my recovery state I am able to wait for her to sort herself out; a few months or years? I would be unable to afford to live on my own. Is she in MLC brought on by the stress and trauma of my illness since last July? She will not go to the doctor to seek help. Just what can I do?
It has all been a MASSIVE shock to me as I was totally unaware there were any problems, I have always been a caring and loving husband. I find out now that she bottles things up inside her, in 12 years, I never knew that.
She has just told me this week that she won’t be coming back; though surely it is silly making major decisions whilst under stress. I am not intending to give up on our relationship after 12 great years.
Almosthomeless.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

first, I truly feel for your situation. I am only 28 but have had cancer twice and continue to fight. Luckily my husband has the strength it takes without help to be there through but it doesnt necessarily mean that he loves me more than your wife loves you. She clearly is stressed but it could also be the fear of losing you kicking in. The other excuses for exit are probably just covering up her fear. Some people become so stricken with fear in losing a loved one that they will begin to push them away as a defense mechanism. Some people arent capable of emotional endurance like the one you are going through, unfortunately.
My advice is to spend some mellow relaxed time with her in a beautiful setting and make it your last ditch effort to discover through conversation if your guys' love is strong enough to endure if she had a little more support and let her see your empathy for her struggles too. It can feel lonely and straining to be the caregiver in a relationship... to always worry and feel helpless to the disease. sometimes the caregiver needs more care and if she loves you then she would be willing to talk upfront about this. theres many tools to help her like support groups, therapy, more talking with you, being reassured that shes helping and simple holidays with the girls!
If she pushes you away please try to see in your heart that she isnt a strong enough person to cope and find comfort in knowing you took the time to offer your concern and support even while youre ill! 
best wishes to you and to your future
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almosthomeless (May 23, 2010)

Thank you for your very quick comment and sympathy. The 'fear of losing me' is one is not one I have considerd. I will keep everyone posted.

Almosthomeless


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## marymn (May 19, 2010)

have you spoke to her later..
Just try to speak to her and make her understand the feelings you got for...

 Drug Rehab


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