# Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?



## germanchip1

Hi. So, I need some guidance. I'm trying to understand if I'm overreacting and letting something bother me that I shouldn't. 

My wife of six months told me she was going to take a weekend getaway with one of her friends. No biggie as I was going to be in the midwest with my kids for break anyhow (blended marriage).

However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us. 

We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me. 

I don't know but I think I'm a good marriage you talk about things at least. Maybe she still ends up going but the way it went down and not telling me when asked bothers me. I turned down one offer from a friend to go to Vegas a year ago bc I wanted to go with her. Am I naive to be the one that cares or talks about things? Or am I just overreacting which I've done before. 

It's bothering me. I'm not mad. I'm just really hurt bc I feel like I'm the only one that cares. I couldn't ever imagine talking to her about going somewhere together and then going with someone else. Ever. It basically says I don't want to go with you or be with you. Or no? 

Is this the first step to the end? Does this say she doesn't value being around me as much as I do? Am I putting too much or too little into how this all went down and what it means? Do I need to start protecting myself so I don't get hurt shortly down the road? Lots going on in my head.


----------



## Jessica38

I think you're right to consider this an issue. Couples should want to spend their vacation time together. 

However, blended marriages bring issues to the marriage, which is why second marriages have a higher divorce rate. You were already planning to spend your vacation without your wife, so I think that issue needs to be addressed first. 

Why wasn't your wife included in your vacation plans? I think that's your bigger issue than where she chose to go with a girlfriend while you were already planning to be apart.

It's very important in blended marriages to make sure you're putting your wife and time with her first.


----------



## germanchip1

Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home. But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.


----------



## Andy1001

I think you were manipulated here by your wife and I think you know that.Now,does she just want a vacation without kids or is it something more.This is what you are really asking.Nobody can tell you this except her or her friend.Time to start investigating.


----------



## germanchip1

She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.


----------



## Jessica38

germanchip1 said:


> Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home. But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.


That's an issue. I agree with you- this is a sign that you need to address in your marriage. Your wife is behaving independently, making decisions without considering you. Does she have kids too? This could stem from her experience being a single mom if so.

I'd explain to her that in order to have a solid marriage with you, you need her to work towards interdependence- where the two of you make decisions together, not independently. 

Independent behavior can destroy love in marriage.


----------



## germanchip1

Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime. 

She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?


----------



## Jessica38

germanchip1 said:


> She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.


She's controlling you by forcing you to accept her decision to vacation without you without discussing it with you first. 

You have every right to be upset that your wife is not treating you like a partner in your marriage.


----------



## germanchip1

Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.


----------



## GusPolinski

germanchip1 said:


> Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.
> 
> *She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means?* How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?


It shouldn't take too much thinking for you to figure out what that means.


----------



## *Deidre*

You've only been married 6 months, and your wife is keeping things from you, not discussing things with you, and is going to New Orleans without you. I'd suggest having a serious discussion with her about what you both expect now that you're married. That's not being controlling, and when women tell men that they're being controlling (I know this, because I've said it myself) they just want their own way.  But, I bet that doesn't go both ways, if the roles were reversed and you called her controlling, she would probably not like it.

I wouldn't rug sweep this, just my opinion.


----------



## Jessica38

germanchip1 said:


> Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.
> 
> She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?


I see nothing wrong with having a friend who is single and wanting to spend time with her, but not in a situation/on a vacation that bothers your spouse. We shouldn't do anything in marriage that hurts our spouse.

The bigger issue is your wife's view that she can do what she wants without discussing it with you, even if it bothers you.


----------



## *Deidre*

germanchip1 said:


> Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.


Then, why did she get married? Yes, it's good to have separate interests, etc. But, if she just wants to live like she's single, and just say she's married, then why did she get married.


----------



## Jessica38

germanchip1 said:


> Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.


She can do her own thing, as a single woman. As a married woman, she needs to put the relationship first and do things you both agree on.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Tell your wife that this is bull****. Of course she needs permission from you just as you need permission from her for taking holidays and trips with other people. Especially if it is a place you wanted to go to with her. And she knows it. And she needs to check with you just as you need to with her every step of the way in a marriage when it involves quality time together (away from work etc). And the final thing is the manipulation and, lets face it, lying! This is not OK in any relationship leave alone a marriage.


You need to really think (as does she) about whether this marriage is for you or her. She could easily be doing what she is doing without being married to you so why stay married ?


----------



## germanchip1

Trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt.


----------



## germanchip1

*Deidre* said:


> You've only been married 6 months, and your wife is keeping things from you, not discussing things with you, and is going to New Orleans without you. I'd suggest having a serious discussion with her about what you both expect now that you're married. That's not being controlling, and when women tell men that they're being controlling (I know this, because I've said it myself) they just want their own way.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> But, I bet that doesn't go both ways, if the roles were reversed and you called her controlling, she would probably not like it.
> 
> I wouldn't rug sweep this, just my opinion.


You are probably right. Time to have a serious discussion bc she does think anytime I say we should talk about things first that it is controlling. And would certainly not be that way if I did it.


----------



## Jessica38

germanchip1 said:


> Trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt.


Unless you have evidence of a possible affair, I don't think that's your issue. Your wife is guilty of independent behavior in marriage. She needs to learn how to be interdependent in your marriage.


----------



## *Deidre*

germanchip1 said:


> You are probably right. Time to have a serious discussion bc she does think anytime I say we should talk about things first that it is controlling. And would certainly not be that way if I did it.


Just seems like you're being set up to become a doormat in your marriage. I guess whatever she says, goes...and you better like it and accept it, or she'll call you controlling. I have a feeling she was like this when you dated her, but you married her anyway.  Not that her behavior is your fault, but how you react to it now, will be.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

The important question is, what exactly are you doing on this weekend she'll be gone?

By the way, any answer that doesn't involve travel and alcohol is the wrong answer. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Andy1001

I had missed the fact you were only six months married.I think what's is worrying here is that she said she couldn't take a vacation with you because she had no money or vacation time.Is this going to be a recurring issue in your marriage,she can't contribute time or money to family oriented activities but suddenly "finds" money and vacation days for a girls only vacation.I think that only six months into marriage there should be alarms ringing and red flags waving.She wants the single life with someone to go home to afterwards and you need to accept what is virtually an open marriage or decide it's not for you.


----------



## germanchip1

Jessica38 said:


> germanchip1 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> 
> 
> Unless you have evidence of a possible affair, I don't think that's your issue. Your wife is guilty of independent behavior in marriage. She needs to learn how to be interdependent in your marriage.
Click to expand...

No reason to believe she's having an affair. It's definitely the independent behavior in marriage.


----------



## *Deidre*

WorkingOnMe said:


> The important question is, what exactly are you doing on this weekend she'll be gone?
> 
> By the way, any answer that doesn't involve travel and alcohol is the wrong answer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


lol 

Aw, two wrongs don't make a right.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

germanchip1 said:


> In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.


This is the troubling part... is this misleading with intent or simply securing a place while trying to decide.

Sort this out and at least the trust can be calmed, then focus on the independence as it does or doesn't apply to your relationship.

One will be needed to compliment the other...


----------



## germanchip1

WorkingOnMe said:


> The important question is, what exactly are you doing on this weekend she'll be gone?
> 
> By the way, any answer that doesn't involve travel and alcohol is the wrong answer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Taking my kids to spend time with their grandma that they only see once or twice a year. But I will need to drink this weekend. Lol. Lord knows the wife already said she was getting drunk to her friend.


----------



## Jessica38

germanchip1 said:


> Jessica38 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> germanchip1 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> 
> 
> Unless you have evidence of a possible affair, I don't think that's your issue. Your wife is guilty of independent behavior in marriage. She needs to learn how to be interdependent in your marriage.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> No reason to believe she's having an affair. It's definitely the independent behavior in marriage.
Click to expand...

Then I wouldn't give her the benefit of the doubt. She needs to know this is unacceptable in marriage sooner rather than later or her independent behavior will be an issue in everything from co-parenting to finances to many other issues in the already-stressful situation of blending families.


----------



## germanchip1

*Deidre* said:


> germanchip1 said:
> 
> 
> 
> You are probably right. Time to have a serious discussion bc she does think anytime I say we should talk about things first that it is controlling. And would certainly not be that way if I did it.
> 
> 
> 
> Just seems like you're being set up to become a doormat in your marriage. I guess whatever she says, goes...and you better like it and accept it, or she'll call you controlling. I have a feeling she was like this when you dated her, but you married her anyway.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not that her behavior is your fault, but how you react to it now, will be.
Click to expand...

You certainly start to question yourself after you hear it. I'm certainly not perfect. And I've done or said plenty of things that made me own up to and apologize. So, I was starting to think it was me. And maybe I was wrong about how successful marriages should be. If nothing else it has allowed me to work on myself and be a better me bc I was starting to believe it was all me. Bc that's what she keeps telling me. 

Her last words of - "I'm not letting you ruin this for me" really opened up my eyes to it all.


----------



## Marc878

She doesn't want you going because it would be awkward around her boyfriend. 

You aren't controlling but you are being manipulated. Mr Nice Guys get walked on.

Yet you are desparate to turn a blind eye and give her the benefit of the doubt. Why?

Sounds like she married you out of convenience or help with the checkbook.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

*Deidre* said:


> lol
> 
> 
> 
> Aw, two wrongs don't make a right.




Making a right isn't my intention. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Edo Edo

Your wife has lied to you, both directly and through lies of omission. Her behavior is completely unacceptable for long term marital success. Her excuse of having a controlling ex-husband is just that. An excuse. You are not that type of person and don't deserve the situation she is placing you in. Worse case scenario, she's cheating on you.  Best case, she's emotionally manipulating you, partially through deceit. You've only been married 6 months. I hope you and her have not yet combined your assets. For your sake, if you haven't, DON'T! If you already have, open your own separate account. Start saving your money and do not pay any of her bills. Show her the path she will follow if she continues to choose her personal independence over your combined relationship. 

Normally, I am not inclined to advise a "hardball" approach, but in your circumstance, I think it most certainly applies. It will pay off for you in the long run too. Either she will get the hint and be a genuine partner to you or it will help to ensure you a better return after divorce proceedings. Remember that your independence and happiness is now at stake too. She is only looking out for herself right now. You need to do the same and have that "Plan B" ready in case it comes to that...


----------



## farsidejunky

Jessica38 said:


> She's controlling you by forcing you to accept her decision to vacation without you without discussing it with you first.
> 
> You have every right to be upset that your wife is not treating you like a partner in your marriage.


QFT.


----------



## ConanHub

It is rotten. Not the trip but the attitude and deceit leading up to it.

I would not stand for it.


----------



## Marc878

IMO you are in for long hard road with this. You seem to be trying hard to make excuses or reasons for her behavior but there aren't any


You are trying hard not to see what you're in but you'd better wake up


----------



## GusPolinski

germanchip1 said:


> You are probably right. Time to have a serious discussion bc she does think anytime I say we should talk about things first that it is controlling. And would certainly not be that way if I did it.


There are plenty of women that like to play the "controlling" card; sometimes it's warranted, but, often enough, it's not. And here's the deal -- it's a faux feminist male shaming tactic aimed at making you feel like knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.

Oh, and it has the added benefit of shutting down whatever discussion was going on when the card was pulled out of the deck.

How did your wife's first marriage end?

Did you meet her before or after it ended?


----------



## notmyrealname4

GusPolinski said:


> There are plenty of women that like to play the "controlling" card; sometimes it's warranted, but, often enough, it's not. And here's the deal -- it's a faux feminist male shaming tactic aimed at making you feel like knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.
> 
> Oh, and it has the added benefit of shutting down whatever discussion was going on when the card was pulled out of the deck.


I'd own it completely. "Yeah, I'm controlling....you say that like it's a bad thing."


Some control, jealousy, and possessiveness is attractive in a partner and relationship. It means the person cares.

I don't mean crazy stalker maniac stuff...I mean the healthy territorial feelings we have for our husbands/wives.


----------



## Andy1001

notmyrealname4 said:


> I'd own it completely. "Yeah, I'm controlling....you say that like it's a bad thing."
> 
> 
> Some control, jealousy, and possessiveness is attractive in a partner and relationship. It means the person cares.
> 
> I don't mean crazy stalker maniac stuff...I mean the healthy territorial feelings we have for our husbands/wives.


That's not what he is talking about.Gus is talking about women pulling the controlling card whenever ANY discussion is going against them,and he is right it is faux feminist bs.


----------



## mickybill

Married or not she'll be acting single for those 4 days, drinking and partying with her single friend...She won't be the wet blanket ol' married ladies when the single dudes start hitting on them. Don't ruin it for her.

There are places known for nightlife, drinking and debauchery - two of those are Vegas and New Orleans... 

IMO both of those are weekend towns not 4 days...

Buckle up friend...


----------



## Lostinthought61

germanchip1 said:


> Her last words of - "I'm not letting you ruin this for me" really opened up my eyes to it all.


Those are not the words of loving and sharing individual but someone who selfish, i suspect that her ex was not as bad as she let you know, and i do not think she was as innocent as she lead you to believe....good luck on your marriage, but i would look for small changes in her when she gets back. and you may want to start with checking her suitcase. you can always get an annulment.


----------



## Wolf1974

*Deidre* said:


> You've only been married 6 months, and your wife is keeping things from you, not discussing things with you, and is going to New Orleans without you. I'd suggest having a serious discussion with her about what you both expect now that you're married. That's not being controlling, and when women tell men that they're being controlling (I know this, because I've said it myself) they just want their own way.  But, I bet that doesn't go both ways, if the roles were reversed and you called her controlling, she would probably not like it.
> 
> I wouldn't rug sweep this, just my opinion.


Couldn't have said it better myself. Controlling is manipulation 101 to discredit your opinion on something. You're a wise woman and bet your marriage lasts a long time :smile2:


----------



## Space Mountain

germanchip1,

She is playing the old "you are controlling card". The best advice I have ever read here is "You can't control anyone, but you can control what you will put up with".


----------



## SunCMars

germanchip1 said:


> *She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship.* She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.


Maybe her ex had to be controlling because her head is hard as stone and her intentions are as blurry and sticky as a young child's sunglasses.

What is true: She has limited vacation time. However, she can take it when she wants [within reason], But, *she wants to use it to satisfy her desires and her needs*. It is obvious she puts herself first. Most companies want you to use up your vacation time. They just want a reasonable heads-up.

Her attitude: This IS troublesome. She is not a partner; comes across as a competitor. She could have come with you on your trip. It did not suit her. She wanted a more exciting trip. Keep tabs on her. She may stray and play while drinking up Bourbon Street night life. 

Family life is probably boring to her.

Her ex may have put her in the rear view mirror over her intractability. Do not assume that her ex was all bad and she was all "poifect".

This I sense: She wants what she wants, everyone else can pound sand.


----------



## SunCMars

WorkingOnMe said:


> The important question is, *what exactly are you doing on this weekend she'll be gone*?
> 
> By the way, any answer that doesn't involve travel and alcohol is the wrong answer.


Does not compute.

He will be with his kids at his Grandma's house.

She will be with her girlfriend in party town. A completly different scenario.

As others have said...she still wants the single life.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/quote]


----------



## *Deidre*

WorkingOnMe said:


> Making a right isn't my intention.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


:scratchhead:

I think I know what you mean. lol


----------



## BobSimmons

germanchip1 said:


> She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.


Yeah you go ahead and keep feeling hurt and being in your feelings.

Read what you wrote back to yourself out loud. 

Her ex is not you. You've bent over backwards not to be that controlling ex, so when your wife tells you repeatedly she doesn't need your permission and then goes to the place you wanted to go to with her, without you.. why are you surprised?

Nothing wrong with taking separate vacations at all, that's not the point here, the point is this was all done with maximum misdirection until the last minute when she told you everything had been booked. Couples are supposed to talk it over and come to an arrangement.

Being hurt and in your feelings and not being her ex, she's done what she wants which is what she's done here.

Either continue as you've been all along, accept her behaviour and wait for the next thing she does without your approval or start not accepting this nonsense and standing up for yourself. You are not her ex, but don't be a doormat either.


----------



## frusdil

germanchip1 said:


> Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. *That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home.* But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.


Did you decide on your own or discuss it with your wife? Could she be doing this as an f you, because she wasn't consulted? (So not the right way to behave if she is, just asking the question).



germanchip1 said:


> Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.
> 
> She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?


Going with a single gf doesn't mean she's having an affair - people here will be very quick to jump to that conclusion. 

Bottom line, you are her husband. What you want should trump what her friend wants. You should be her number 1.



Space Mountain said:


> germanchip1,
> She is playing the old "you are controlling card". The best advice I have ever read hear is "You can't control anyone, but you can control what you will put up with".


^^^This. SO much this. Your wife needs to know that this is a boundary issue for you, and that there will be consequences if she does it. You need to decide what those consequences will be.

As a general comment, from my point of view, I love my husband. He is my number one, he comes before everyone else in my life. I honestly can't imagine myself going through with something knowing that it will hurt him, I just can't, I love him too much.


----------



## Livvie

I think this is important: Is the "grandma" you are visiting and staying with YOUR mother, or your EX WIFE'S mother?


----------



## germanchip1

Livvie said:


> I think this is important: Is the "grandma" you are visiting and staying with YOUR mother, or your EX WIFE'S mother?


My mom. I would never go to my exs. I'm not disrespectful like that.


----------



## sokillme

germanchip1 said:


> She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.


Did she or did he just have healthy boundaries?


----------



## germanchip1

sokillme said:


> germanchip1 said:
> 
> 
> 
> She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
> 
> 
> 
> Did she or did he just have healthy boundaries?
Click to expand...

So that is what I am trying to understand. What is or isn't healthy boundaries? That's why I'm lost on if I'm in the right or wrong here. Bc I've always been with someone that wanted to spend time with me. And we put each other first.


----------



## Dan Moloney

That's a painful jolt into what she is really like it usually takes something like this to expose their true personality.Nice little arrangement going on you take the kids while shes off without a care in the world
Something like this could escalate into anything and just means more heart ache for you while she has the freedom of a single woman to drop everything and go 
I think the not telling you about the plans while they were already in place was a shocking lie and deceit from a so called partner in life you couldnt forgive that and her secret plan 
i think it is very telling of the true nature of your wife and it would be interesting to find out what her version of controlling is and what he was controlling her about you dont want to be just the next doormat


----------



## Jessica38

germanchip1 said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> germanchip1 said:
> 
> 
> 
> She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
> 
> 
> 
> Did she or did he just have healthy boundaries?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> So that is what I am trying to understand. What is or isn't healthy boundaries? That's why I'm lost on if I'm in the right or wrong here. Bc I've always been with someone that wanted to spend time with me. And we put each other first.
Click to expand...

Healthy boundaries are what you decide for yourself that you are unwilling to live with, and if your spouse does it anyway, even after you tell them they are hurting you, you tell them that's not going to work for you.


----------



## Jessica38

You exerted a healthy boundary in your marriage, and she called you controlling. The fact that she called her X controlling is concerning, but honestly, it's a claim I hear so many women use, I think most don't realty understand how independent behavior is bad for marriage unless they are willing to read up on healthy marriages.


----------



## TX-SC

I am all for equality in marriage, which means that decisions are made by both of us. I would never take a vacation without talking to my wife about it first. 

I hate to say it, but I believe you made a mistake in marrying this woman. You are in for a long, hard road if you continue down this path. She is using her independence to control YOU. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## Lostme

You are not wrong she is, she is also, disrespectful, deceitful, uncaring,and childish.


----------



## Cynthia

germanchip1 said:


> She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.


This is not the issue. The issue is she lied to you. That is at the core of what is wrong with this scenario.
Not only that, but she knew this would upset you and now she's gaslighting you. She is doing this by telling you she doesn't need your permission when she clearly knows that is not what you are saying. She is saying that to get the focus off what she's doing.

Has she made comments about not needing your permission in regards to other things that have happened?


----------



## Chaparral

I can't believe anyone would think about going to NO LA or Las Vegas without their spouse. Her attitude simple multiplies that be a million.
Now why would a woman be lying about a trip to Bourbon Street? Hmmmm, I can only think of one thing. Sounds like her ex is the lucky one.


----------



## Livvie

So you were going to all go to her dad's for the week, but then she want able to take w week off of work. So then you decided to go away without her to your mom's. Was she included in that decision?

You keep saying "she can't afford" to go to LA with you. What's up with that? Why wouldn't you help fund a trip with your wife? I don't understand why you wouldn't afford it TOGETHER.


----------



## m00nman

What was her reaction when you told her that if she didn't want to take time off to visit her family you would just go ahead and visit YOURS instead?


----------



## Cynthia

Livvie said:


> So you were going to all go to her dad's for the week, but then she want able to take w week off of work. So then you decided to go away without her to your mom's. Was she included in that decision?
> 
> You keep saying "she can't afford" to go to LA with you. What's up with that? Why wouldn't you help fund a trip with your wife? I don't understand why you wouldn't afford it TOGETHER.


This has absolutely nothing to do with what the problem is.


----------



## aine

germanchip1 said:


> Hi. So, I need some guidance. I'm trying to understand if I'm overreacting and letting something bother me that I shouldn't.
> 
> My wife of six months told me she was going to take a weekend getaway with one of her friends. No biggie as I was going to be in the midwest with my kids for break anyhow (blended marriage).
> 
> However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us.
> 
> We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.
> 
> I don't know but I think I'm a good marriage you talk about things at least. Maybe she still ends up going but the way it went down and not telling me when asked bothers me. I turned down one offer from a friend to go to Vegas a year ago bc I wanted to go with her. Am I naive to be the one that cares or talks about things? Or am I just overreacting which I've done before.
> 
> It's bothering me. I'm not mad. I'm just really hurt bc I feel like I'm the only one that cares. I couldn't ever imagine talking to her about going somewhere together and then going with someone else. Ever. It basically says I don't want to go with you or be with you. Or no?
> 
> Is this the first step to the end? Does this say she doesn't value being around me as much as I do? Am I putting too much or too little into how this all went down and what it means? Do I need to start protecting myself so I don't get hurt shortly down the road? Lots going on in my head.


Yes, you are right to bring this up. Sounds like your W is taking your for granted. Just be honest and firm, no emotions, just say, surprising how you could do all that but not with me though we discussed it. Then go plan a trip with a male friend to the same place or somewhere she wanted to go. She needs to experience some of her own medicine, maybe you are too nice a guy. Read NMMNG.


----------



## Evinrude58

She doesn't need your permission to go.......
That's it in a nutshell.
She's telling you your opinion doesn't matter and to go screw your self.

You have got one of "those" on your hands. 

Prepare to be a doormat.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

germanchip1 said:


> Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home. But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.


It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her less than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there. 

If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.


----------



## manwithnoname

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there.
> 
> If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.


You would disrespect your husband and go to a place like New Orleans with a single friend? Ok.

Point is she wants to go alone. Simple as that. If not, there would have been some compromising, all kids at the ex's then they could have gone somewhere together.

And the not being able to take time off, not enough money BS, when all of a sudden when he's committed to taking his _*and her*_ kids away to his mother's, all of a sudden she can get the time off and has enough money? 

I'd be a little pissed. In fact, I'd tell her "Have a nice time, I'll have the divorce papers ready for you to sign when you get back"


----------



## 225985

germanchip1 said:


> Taking my kids to spend time with their grandma that they only see once or twice a year. But I will need to drink this weekend. Lol. Lord knows the wife already said she was getting drunk to her friend.




Getting drunk in New Orleans? Is that possible?

Maybe she plans to go to the WWII museum, the aquarium, or the zoo. 

Ha.

Btw, when is she going? I'll be there next week (with my wife). She never would permit me to go there by myself and my buddy for four days. Rightfully so.


----------



## manwithnoname

blueinbr said:


> Getting drunk in New Orleans? Is that possible?
> 
> Maybe she plans to go to the WWII museum, the aquarium, or the zoo.
> 
> Ha.
> 
> Btw, when is she going? I'll be there next week (with my wife). *She never would permit me to go there by myself and my buddy for four days. * Rightfully so.


Because spending one day each at the museum, aquarium, and the zoo leaves one full day and she's concerned you'd get bored on the fourth day. She'd let you go for three days. :wink2:


----------



## germanchip1

I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.

My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.


----------



## germanchip1

blueinbr said:


> Getting drunk in New Orleans? Is that possible?
> 
> Maybe she plans to go to the WWII museum, the aquarium, or the zoo.
> 
> Ha.
> 
> Btw, when is she going? I'll be there next week (with my wife). She never would permit me to go there by myself and my buddy for four days. Rightfully so.


She's going this Thursday through Monday. I couldn't ever imagine going anywhere like that on a trip with friends without a serious discussion with my wife.


----------



## germanchip1

Evinrude58 said:


> She doesn't need your permission to go.......
> That's it in a nutshell.
> She's telling you your opinion doesn't matter and to go screw your self.
> 
> You have got one of "those" on your hands.
> 
> Prepare to be a doormat.



Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"


----------



## AtMyEnd

germanchip1 said:


> Hi. So, I need some guidance. I'm trying to understand if I'm overreacting and letting something bother me that I shouldn't.
> 
> My wife of six months told me she was going to take a weekend getaway with one of her friends. No biggie as I was going to be in the midwest with my kids for break anyhow (blended marriage).
> 
> However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us.
> 
> We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.
> 
> I don't know but I think I'm a good marriage you talk about things at least. Maybe she still ends up going but the way it went down and not telling me when asked bothers me. I turned down one offer from a friend to go to Vegas a year ago bc I wanted to go with her. Am I naive to be the one that cares or talks about things? Or am I just overreacting which I've done before.
> 
> It's bothering me. I'm not mad. I'm just really hurt bc I feel like I'm the only one that cares. I couldn't ever imagine talking to her about going somewhere together and then going with someone else. Ever. It basically says I don't want to go with you or be with you. Or no?
> 
> Is this the first step to the end? Does this say she doesn't value being around me as much as I do? Am I putting too much or too little into how this all went down and what it means? Do I need to start protecting myself so I don't get hurt shortly down the road? Lots going on in my head.


I understand how you feel about this, my wife just returned from a trip to Mexico with a friend of hers. The two of them had been talking about going away together for years but were never able to get it together until now. My wife also takes a trip to Italy each year with friends and family to ski. All they do is ski for a week and since both myself and my son are not really into skiing, we don't go. We haven't been away together on vacation in about 2 years, pretty much since we really started having problems. It does bother me that she can find time to take these trips but can never seem to find time for trips with me. The one thing I will say is that since she's returned from this latest trip with her friend, her attitude towards me and our relationship does seem much better. If the two of you spend most of your time together, sometimes I think it's good to take separate vacations. That time apart can help clear your heads of any little problems you may be having and actually help the relationship.


----------



## farsidejunky

Chip:

Google the term "gaslighting". It will make sense when you read it.

Next, I want you to read this link: https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

Then you need to have this one-sided conversation with your wife, and you must be *calm* _and_ *firm* when you do so:

"Wife, first you lie about having the time off available. Then you lie about having the money available. Then you lie about the location until the last minute. Then when I point these things out to you, you accuse me of being controlling. I thought I had married a person with integrity and commitment. You have shown me that I was wrong on both counts."

Then walk away. If she insists on trying to continue the discussion, simply hold your hand up and say:

"Discussions about relationships are for those whose actions demonstrate they are committed to the relationship. Until you stop to stop gaslighting me, you are making it clear that is not the case."

Then walk away again.

A wise poster, since banned, once said the following:

"Always give defiant people what they want. It rarely works out like they expect."

In order for you to do so, you have to realize you married someone who may not be marriage material, and you must be willing to set her free if she is who she is showing right now. Her actions will show you who she is. Watch not what she says, but rather what she does.


----------



## ConanHub

germanchip1 said:


> Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"


Ask her who will watch the kids as you are going to New Orleans with a single buddy yourself?

Please follow the goose and gander logic and don't make me spell it out...


----------



## BradWesley2

germanchip1 said:


> She's going this Thursday through Monday. I couldn't ever imagine going anywhere like that on a trip with friends without a serious discussion with my wife.


If you have the financial resources, hire a PI firm to snoop on her in NOLA. It doesn't have to be a 24/7 operation, just the prime times, that say there could be some problems.

If there is something going on, they will document it with time logs, photos, etc.

Best to be safe rather than sorry.


----------



## Malaise

germanchip1 said:


> I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.
> 
> My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.


Your issues are that she's a liar.


----------



## SunCMars

aine said:


> Yes, you are right to bring this up. Sounds like your W is taking your for granted. Just be honest and firm, no emotions, just say, surprising how you could do all that but not with me though we discussed it. Then go plan a trip with a male friend to the same place or somewhere she wanted to go. She needs to experience some of her own medicine, maybe you are too nice a guy. Read NMMNG.


If you do this tactic go full "boar". No typo.

Bring swim trunks [new Speedos], a nicely cut new sports jacket and slacks. Lay your tripping clothes on the bed so she can see them.

When her face turns bright red, her guts quiver and she asks "WHAT are these for"? :surprise:

Holding the Speedos, tell her: "The Hotel has a huge pool that connects to the bar. I love to swim." "Especially, in the heat. It is hot, even at night. Everyone is doing this at night".

The sports jacket: "My buddy has a friend that manages the Goldmine Saloon". "He said to dress up nice".

She will accuse you of trying to pick up women. Give her an angry look. Tell her: "That is over the top and controlling!" >

Saying and writing this is a hoot.

Actually going through with this will become an "Exit Declare"! :|


----------



## m00nman

germanchip1 said:


> I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.
> 
> My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.


You may not want to openly admit it but clearly you _are_ upset, otherwise you would not have vented here about it. What does your gut tell you? 

Ask yourself the following questions. Would you have had a problem if she had gone to Las Vegas? What if she went outside the country or someplace where you could not get in contact with her easily? Would that have mattered to you? If you raised those concerns, do you think she would have responded differently? 

According to you, she wanted to go to New Orleans. She knew that you wanted to go there with her and that her going without you would make you upset. Regardless of when she actually divulged it, she knew it would trigger you. 

You've already gotten some good advice that would have helped me in my own situation years ago had I been aware. All I can really say is that this will likely not be the only time she will expect to go off on her own without your "permission."


----------



## m00nman

germanchip1 said:


> She's going this Thursday through Monday. I couldn't ever imagine going anywhere like that on a trip with friends without a serious discussion with my wife.


Likely that's why she tried to hide it from you.


----------



## SunCMars

farsidejunky said:


> In order for you to do so, you have to realize you married someone who may not be marriage material, and you must be willing to set her free if she is who she is showing right now. Her actions will show you who she is. *Watch not what she says, but rather what she does.*


Actually, *her words* AND *action* are marriage acid, dissolving the bond and purpose of this marriage.

A gold marriage ring cannot hold tight on a independent finger. Especially if that finger is of the slippery ilk. 

Speaking of fingers and rings. I suspect her ring and finger will be divorced on this trip.

If she goes, hire a Private Investigator to monitor her. Money well spent.


----------



## GuyInColorado

I'd be livid. But is it worth blowing up your marriage so early? Probably not. But you two need to talk this out and get on the same page. If things like this keep reoccurring , you two are going to resent each other and not be able to recover.


----------



## Malaise

Six months into the marriage. Can you see yourself in a year, 5 years?


----------



## Steve1000

@germanchip1 Unfortunately it doesn't matter what you and almost all of us think. You're wife will never think that she is doing anything wrong. Be prepared that if you tell your wife what you are thinking, you'll now be known as "the controlling husband". 

How's the rest of your relationship?


----------



## jb02157

germanchip1 said:


> Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"


This would make me sad. It's not like you were asking her to get your permission, you deliberately didn't go to New Orleans because you wanted to save that for her and that's what you were planning to do. Yes, couples should want to go on vacations together, especially early in the marriage. She's acting like she's mad about something previous that happened. Were you guys fighting during the time she booked the trip? She could also think of it as a control issue because she kept saying "permission". She could also be planning to meet another guy down there to since she's overreacting about this. This is something that I think you should keep an eye on and talk to her about once she cools off a little.


----------



## Livvie

I still don't think we have the whole story. You say part of the reason you and your wife couldn't make it to LA together is because "she" could not afford it... You didn't say "we" couldn't afford it. You were not willing to pitch in funds for a vacation together? I totally don't understand that.


----------



## notmyrealname4

Andy1001 said:


> That's not what he is talking about.Gus is talking about women pulling the controlling card whenever ANY discussion is going against them,and he is right it is faux feminist bs.


And I'm saying that the way to pull the rug out from under the faux feminist b.s., is to own your "controlling" behavior and be proud of it.

Because most of what's called "controlling" is normal mate-guarding behavior.


If that's okay with you. Or if it isn't.


----------



## WhiplashWish

The way you handle this situation will set the tone for the rest of the relationship. Sounds like she's a toddler testing her boundaries.


----------



## 23cm

Next thing you know, she'll call you "controlling" when you want the key to the lock on your chastity cage.


----------



## naiveonedave

germanchip1 said:


> She's going this Thursday through Monday. I couldn't ever imagine going anywhere like that on a trip with friends without a serious discussion with my wife.


the reason she doesn't want to discuss it, is the same reason she is going with a single friend. NO is a party town and she obviously wants to party. A newlywed should be partying with her spouse, not single friends.

She will be the wingman this weekend, if you get what that means.


----------



## Tito Santana

germanchip1 said:


> Trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt.


Does she deserve this, if she has already flat out lied about not having money, vacation time to go on vacation? You said she also made the plans weeks ago and did not tell you. 

I wonder if her Ex-husband was about as controlling as your wife is trying to make you out to be. If that's the case, I can see why they may have gotten divorced. Maybe, he got fed up with it. It sounds like she wants to do what she wants to do, and can't be bothered by anybody else's thoughts or feelings. Not a good start if this is happening six months into a marriage.

I hate to say it, bud, but I think she is getting ready to get drunk and sample some Andouille sausage that is not part of a big pot of jambalaya. I hate saying that, but with her also saying "I won't let you ruin this for me", after lying about it, she has something planned up, or is looking forward to her and her friend going off the rails for four days. If my wife was acting like that beforehand and then headed to NO with a friend, I'd be very worried.


----------



## Lostinthought61

germanchip1 said:


> Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"


I hope you see those words as very concerning....as much as i do....German you married someone who is not a partner in any sense of the word, she got her ring on her finger and she will now do as she pleases and you do not get to say anything about that...i would tell her straight out, you can go what ever you want and when you get back you can back you bags and leave the house or if its her house you will not be there when she gets back. you either stand your ground now or she will roll over you and and again...and you will be a doormat...god sake grow up, its not about New Orleans its a power play in the relationship and she wants to be the dictator.

She has drawn the line the sand....the question how are you going to respond ?


----------



## Andy1001

notmyrealname4 said:


> And I'm saying that the way to pull the rug out from under the faux feminist b.s., is to own your "controlling" behavior and be proud of it.
> 
> Because most of what's called "controlling" is normal mate-guarding behavior.
> 
> 
> If that's okay with you. Or if it isn't.


I will consider myself suitably chastised for daring to have a difference of opinion with such an awesome force of nature such as yourself.Im sure the ground trembles in your house when you enter it.


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Yeswecan

germanchip1 said:


> Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.


Doing you own thing means getting one's hair and nails done without the spouse there. Book of the Month Club, etc. Not vacationing sans husband and kids. Just odd.


----------



## syhoybenden

You've only been married for six months? With her present attitude I'd venture to guess that you're only an even money bet to make it to a year.


----------



## Evinrude58

1. A newly Married woman going for a weekend of drinking and debauchery with a single friend in New Orleans.
2. Didn't have money or time to do something with her husband---- until single bud was free for drinking.
3. Ignored husband and secretly made concrete plans for single bud trip.
4. When asked in a reasonable way about trip and secret plans--- says "I don't need your permission".
5. Calls husband of 6 months "controlling".

6. And most importantly:
Has an obvious strong desire to go out drinking w a single friend in a city far away that is known for debauchery.

Yet, some posters don't see the problem???????

I see a huge problem.
One that needs to be dealt with.


----------



## Malaise

Switch the genders and it would still be a problem.

It's not just a 'wife' issue.


----------



## Dr. Stupid

Evinrude58 said:


> 1. A newly Married woman going for a weekend of drinking and debauchery with a single friend in New Orleans.
> 2. Didn't have money or time to do something with her husband---- until single bud was free for drinking.
> 3. Ignored husband and secretly made concrete plans for single bud trip.
> 4. When asked in a reasonable way about trip and secret plans--- says "I don't need your permission".
> 5. Calls husband of 6 months "controlling".
> 
> 6. And most importantly:
> Has an obvious strong desire to go out drinking w a single friend in a city far away that is known for debauchery.
> 
> Yet, some posters don't see the problem???????
> 
> I see a huge problem.
> One that needs to be dealt with.


There's a definite problem. 

The question is: How far does the OP want to go to find out how deep the problem goes?


----------



## 225985

Evinrude58 said:


> 1. A newly Married woman going for a weekend of drinking and debauchery with a single friend in New Orleans.


This x 1000

OP, Thursday to Monday in New Orleans. Let's see. They certainly will go to Pat O'Briens and try the Hurricanes. At least one, maybe a second. The drinks are fruity. 30-60 minutes later she will barely be able to stand. They will feel great. They may or may not get hit on there if they are receptive, but they will feel great and then go to any other bar near there and certainly get hit on. Repeatedly. Guys will by them drinks. They will love that and it won't cost them a cent. 

Years ago. my buddy and I started at Pat O's. Two hurricanes later, maybe three, I could barely talk. We went to an storefront Chinese restaurant. While I was ordering this drunk blonde came in. We started a chat. She starting eating my food. WTF? No problem there. She invited us to a party. Told us where to go when her friends came to find her. The fish that got away.

We spent a hour trying to find her, gave up and went to another bar. While in line waiting for table we met these two dunk college girls. Starting chatting. Shared a table. We paired up. 10 minutes later, getting physical. We showed them the town. I went home with my pair off. Where did she start her afternoon? Pat O's with hurricanes.

I ended up marrying her. So I have New Orleans and Pat O's to thank/blame for my marriage. I've been to NO dozens of times. Gotten drunk most of the time and I am not even a tourist. 

TLDR: Your wife will get very drunk in NO and get hit on. Repeatedly. Whether she can resist cheating is your call.

But all that is incidental to what the others said. This is a power struggle.


----------



## Evinrude58

There's no power struggle whatsoever. She has let OP know that he doesn't count. 

HIS FEELINGS DON'T COUNT.

The problem lies in the fact that she has the power--- and abuses it.

The other problem is that she WANTS to be cruising bars with single friends instead of vacationing with her husband doing family stuff.

Incompatibility.
I'm very sorry, OP.


----------



## Yeswecan

Evinrude58 said:


> There's no power struggle whatsoever. She has let OP know that he doesn't count.
> 
> HIS FEELINGS DON'T COUNT.
> 
> The problem lies in the fact that she has the power--- and abuses it.
> 
> The other problem is that she WANTS to be cruising bars with single friends instead of vacationing with her husband doing family stuff.
> 
> Incompatibility.
> I'm very sorry, OP.


I agree.

The OP W has tapped into his earning ability, stability and apparently an on demanded babysitter. You sir are no more than the "help" IMO. Sorry folks, W simply do not disregard their H in these type of matters. 

No need to ruin it for your W. Begin the booking of your trip sans W and kids. Get your buddy involved. Assure it is a place similar to NO when it comes to nightlife and drinking. Let us know how it goes.


----------



## Mrs.Sav

Lostme said:


> You are not wrong she is, she is also, disrespectful, deceitful, uncaring,and childish.


Going to throw in selfish, too.

OP - This is not a good sign. It is a window into her consideration (or lack thereof) for you. Her not being forthcoming with her plans, which were already set, is very shady. Selfishness has no place in a marriage. 

This scenario resembles a problem I had with my (now ex) husband and although it was a culmination of things that happened between him and I, selfishness is why we ultimately ended up getting a divorce. Not only is it selfish behavior but it erodes the trust between two people.


----------



## Jessica38

Dr. Stupid said:


> There's a definite problem.
> 
> The question is: How far does the OP want to go to find out how deep the problem goes?


I think that all he has to do is tell her in no uncertain terms that her independent behavior is killing their relationship and it is not going to work for him.

Independent behavior= selfishness in marriage. BUT- most of us are told that independence is a GOOD thing, especially for a single mom, which is what she was experiencing before this second marriage.

OP, I think you have to address this issue, but go in knowing that she may not really "get" where you're coming from, and that's ok. You don't have to convince her. She just needs to know that it bothers you and hurts the relationship, so it needs to stop.


----------



## Evinrude58

She knows it bothers him. He told her.
She doesn't care.


She WANTS to spend time with a single bud drinking, rather than her NEW husband. People are going to do what makes them happy. She likes getting drunk and getting male attention. Let's be realistic. This "want" is not conducive to family life in a marriage.
This is not girls night out. 
This is single and married women playing in the city like single women.

Her stuff should be waiting on the doorstep. It's OP's life. He gets to decide. 

I just hope she doesn't want to run up huge debt or have kids or have sex with other men----- because she doesn't need his permission for that, either.


----------



## Jessica38

He told her it bothered him but he wasn't sure if he was being reasonable. When you come from a place of knowing that you deserve to be treated like a partner in marriage and your spouse is not doing what is best for the relationship, you're in more of a position to set a boundary in your marriage.

I'd try that first. Be kind, but communicate that this is not going to work for you. And see her reaction.


----------



## 225985

Get her to send pics of herself while in NO. Full length that her friend or waiter takes. Looks for the ring on the finger or lack thereof


----------



## Steve1000

Miss Independent said:


> Op, I think you're overreacting. I'm sorry but I don't see it's a sign that your marriage is in trouble


At least you're true to your screen name!


----------



## notmyrealname4

Andy1001 said:


> I will consider myself suitably chastised for daring to have a difference of opinion with such an awesome force of nature such as yourself.Im sure the ground trembles in your house when you enter it.




Hey there smartypants, I stated my opinion in a post with no reference to you whatsoever.

You butted in, corrected me, and told me that I didn't know what Gus's actual intentions were. I will absolutely concede to Gus if he chooses to correct me. But you can stick it in your ear.



> That's not what he is talking about.Gus is talking about women pulling the controlling card whenever ANY discussion is going against them,and he is right it is faux feminist bs.


----------



## Andy1001

notmyrealname4 said:


> Hey there smartypants, I stated my opinion in a post with no reference to you whatsoever.
> 
> You butted in, corrected me, and told me that I didn't know what Gus's actual intentions were. I will absolutely concede to Gus if he chooses to correct me. But you can stick it in your ear.


Smartypants!
Surely you can do better than that?


----------



## notmyrealname4

Andy1001 said:


> Smartypants!
> Surely you can do better than that?




The obscenity filter will translate it to asterisks; even if I did happen to hate you enough to say something really abusive.

I don't hate you. But your fingerwagging comment went right up my nose.


----------



## Andy1001

notmyrealname4 said:


> The obscenity filter will translate it to asterisks; even if I did happen to hate you enough to say something really abusive.
> 
> I don't hate you. But your fingerwagging comment went right up my nose.


OK enough.I am digging at you and I apologise.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Livvie said:


> I still don't think we have the whole story. You say part of the reason you and your wife couldn't make it to LA together is because "she" could not afford it... You didn't say "we" couldn't afford it. You were not willing to pitch in funds for a vacation together? I totally don't understand that.


Interesting. I read it completely different. I read it like anytime he makes the suggestion to go to NO the words that come out of her mouth are "I can't afford it." If this is what she is actually saying, he shouldn't correct it to "we" in the telling of his side of the story. It should be written with "she."

edit:


> However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us.
> 
> We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.


Okay, I see why we disagree. Nope, I can't see your version.


----------



## 225985

Andy1001 said:


> Smartypants!
> 
> Surely you can do better than that?




Are the diaper changes getting to you Andy?


----------



## 225985

What happens in Nawlins stays in Nawlins. 

Unless she gets pregnant.


----------



## lovelygirl

I see her as irresponsible, uncaring towards your feelings and she's trying to walk over you given that you didn't stress your limits and deal breakers. 
She's testing you and is getting away with little-to-no consequences. 
It's like she married you for convenience. How can one not even communicate a plan to the other spouse, especially when this plan was supposed to be happening WITH the said spouse??

Goes beyond my logic. I just don't get it.

Childish.


----------



## WilliamM

Lots of crazy issues.

But an idea might be to take a vacation to vegas with a friend or alone on the next available weekend you don't have child care duties. Try to plan the vacation so it is a mirror of her vacation. Don't discuss it with her ahead of time, other than to let her know you are going somewhere.

Don't take your wife. If she complains, tell her you don't need her permission. Tell her to stop being controlling. Copy her word for word. Go.

See how she feels about it.

It may be instructional. Will she realize the symmetry? I would hope so, and learn from it. But one can never tell. Is it a bit much? I don't think so, but I am against separate vacations. I think they tear couples apart.


----------



## The Middleman

germanchip1 said:


> Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"


Separate vacations to me are a big NO in a marriage. I don't know about you, but I know my personality, and I wouldn't be home when she got back. 

OR ... I also might find myself, coincidentally, taking a vacation to the same city and staying at the same hotel as they are at the same time. I can be a spiteful bastard when I want to be. 

She doesn't deserve your "understanding" with the way she is just totally ignoring your feelings. You may want to reconsider this whole marriage. She's carrying a lot of baggage.


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## commonsenseisn't

Germanchip1, you exactly described my ex wife in your op and I will share with you what I learned from my experience. First of all, I am not and was not a controlling husband. I responded to my ex a little milder than you are portraying yourself here. I was only slightly annoyed and hurt at her indifferent and independent behavior ... little did I know what misery awaited me. 

I'm convinced that my ex's behavior (and likely your wife's too) was a symptom of a more sinister problem that lay concealed underneath. I would describe the core problem as a profound lack of respect for and commitment to me (you) and our (your) marriage. It's the type of attitude that enables a person like this to walk away from your relationship without a second thought. All it takes is for the marriage to go through a little rough patch and bang, they will abandon ship just like that. 

I could write a book on the dynamics involved here, but will simply tell you that if I had to do it all over again I would have had divorce papers waiting for her when she returned from her fling. It would have cut my losses and spared me a lot of agony. I normally wouldn't recommend such a response, but I'm convinced there's no saving a relationship with this type of person. I readily concede that YMMV and am only going from my own hard and harrowing experience. Good luck.


----------



## TX-SC

Miss Independent said:


> What do you mean?
> 
> Op is overreacting.


I don't believe he is overreacting at all. 

So, let's say you and your husband talked at length about taking a trip that you both wanted to go on. You kept trying to arrange it, but he kept finding various reasons he couldn't go: not enough vacation time, too much work, not enough money, etc. Then, without even discussing it with you, he arranges to go with a buddy of his instead. In fact he tells you to "get over it" or calls you "controlling" if you even try to discuss how you feel about it. 

That's how you think a marriage should be? If so, I'm glad I'm not married to someone like you! 

The ONLY way this would be acceptable in my marriage is if she or I was offered some free tickets or a free trip to go with a friend. Even then, I would immediately tell my wife of the offer and ask her for her opinion. I'd consider how she may feel about it and might turn the trip down anyway just so she doesn't feel left out. 

Then there's the "getting drunk with her single friend" thing too? Sorry, this whole deal is rotten to the core. If my wife did this, I wouldn't divorce her but you can be dang sure she wouldn't be invited on the cruise I'd be about to book to the Bahamas for when she got back from New Orleans! 

BTW, I lived in NO for a couple of years and it's a great place to get laid. Especially for a couple of drunk women, married or not. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Andy1001

blueinbr said:


> Are the diaper changes getting to you Andy?


I've been banned from diaper duty except in an emergency.


----------



## 225985

German 

How old are you and your wife?


----------



## MrsAldi

I guess the honeymoon period is over for her. 
She would rather spend time with a single friend than with you. 
We don't have her side here, but we know that actions speak volumes and her actions mean that you're not her priority anymore.

Now you didn't seem to care until you heard the location, which suggests that you might not have her in your priorities either. 

So just go back to not caring about each other and your marriage should be fine. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Steve1000

Miss Independent said:


> What do you mean?
> 
> Op is overreacting.


I just meant that your view on this seems in line with someone who places a strong value on independence. I meant it as a friendly gesture. In this specific case, I don't agree that the OP is overreacting, but your point of view is also important.


----------



## Chaparral

Steve1000 said:


> @germanchip1 Unfortunately it doesn't matter what you and almost all of us think. You're wife will never think that she is doing anything wrong. Be prepared that if you tell your wife what you are thinking, you'll now be known as "the controlling husband".
> 
> How's the rest of your relationship?


I disagree, she does think it's wrong. Otherwise she would haven lying through her teeth about the trip for so long and is now putting the blame on him. I would be shocked at this point if she doesn't already have a meet up planned.

She knows her and her husband had this on their wish list. She knows exactly how she would feel if he pulled this stunt on her. This isn't a rabbit hole, it's Mammoth Cave. 

Simply ask her to leave her rings at home........then hock them for your down payment on a lawyer.


----------



## SunCMars

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her less than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there.
> 
> If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.


C-Grade counter point.

Problem: She hid her plans from her husband and sprung it on him at the last minute, with no input from him. And that was one of the destinations on THEIR bucket list.

And she lame-excused earlier plans....by lying about not being able to get time off, and having no money. She has discounted her husbands feelings. She hides things.

Being independent is fine.....if both are of the same mindset. He is not. She knows this. Knew it would bother him. She did not care. When he showed hurt and concern, she got huffy.

Just sayin'?


----------



## Jessica38

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her less than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there.
> 
> If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.


I have to say that this post cracked me up. You have a way with words, She's Still Got It. 

While I've posted different advice, I do think this is a valid point- just because she's going to New Orleans with a single girlfriend doesn't mean she's cruising other men. It might really have something to do with the logistical "baggage" of a blended family. I still don't think it makes it right, as she's behaving independently, doing what she wants regardless of how her husband feels about it, but I wouldn't assume she's trying to get together with other guys.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I think some people are mixing the OP's problem with his current vacation. So, I disagree with the logistics of the blended family and her doing daycare.


----------



## IamSomebody

germanchip1 said:


> I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.
> 
> My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.


Where did your wife miraculously find the money, and vacation time from work, for this trip?

She's not telling you everything. Can you put a GPA app on her phone to track her while in NOLA?

Since she doesn't want to act like a married woman, grant her wish and serve her with divorce papers when she returns.

IamSomebody


----------



## TaDor

Is this kind of behavior typical with your new wife?

I think most of us would find her behavior, setting up the trip weeks in advanced without telling you major Issues. That would and should hurt anyone in your position. How could she not know it would hurt your feelings and be disrespectful. Unless she did not give a damn?

Sorry... A few nights in that City with her "friend" (have you meet her?) Instead of you is a big problem. She and her friend, drunk and dancing with other drunk guys... Things are going to happen?.

Rocky waters up ahead...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Okay, let me explain my earlier post.


germanchip1 said:


> We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. *And her ex won't take the kids.* Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip.





> I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but *we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime. *


This is why I don't agree with the daycare scenario. You don't need to get the ex to "take the kids," if a trip was planned for the OP, his wife and all of the kids. Also, he says they have every other weekend free, with JUST the two of them and she STILL gave those reasons. So, she shrugged off a trip using multiple reasons, which now look like excuses, to make time for a friend and not her husband. One of two places she really wanted to go and he wanted to go with her. If she was HONEST about going with the friend, even with all of the current scare scenarios, I'd say he was overreacting. No, she hid the vacation until both of their plans were already made. Yes and I will say purposefully. If they have every other weekend FREE, why would she plan it on a weekend when the families are supposed to be together? You know, when the ex won't take them. She could have made the same plans on a weekend when the kids weren't there and never involved the ex.

I'd be pretty pissed as well. Add in the unnecessary lying and I'd be wondering about the end as well.


----------



## wmn1

germanchip1 said:


> Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.
> 
> She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?



I see some flags here.

1) She has dismissed your feelings
2) She does this both about going on the trip and also going to a place on your mutual bucketlist
3) New Orleans is a party town. Are they going to check out the French Corridor architecture or are they going to party and if they are going to party, her single friend may be trying to hook up and that puts your wife in a compromising position
4) I disagree that your trip equates to hers. her trip is what single people do, your seems to be a family obligation
5) Why weren't things like this discussed before marriage ? 
6) What broke off her first marriage ? Was he controlling or did she use that as an excuse to get out ?
7) I have been married 12 years together 20. We have only taken 2 big vacations apart. She wanted to do a band cruise and I wanted to visit friends in Wyoming. She normally goes to Wyoming with me and I did one of the cruises with her. This we discussed and agreed on and she was invited to Wyoming each time as I was the cruise. Never any exclusion. However, I feel she needed time with her friends on one as she felt the same for me. We were still invited though. I take many more weekend trips than she does fishing, golfing etc.... apart but most weekend trips are together. SO I WOULD be concerned with her attitude and her desire to be married to you while being the travel queen primarily with her friends. Why did she get married ?


----------



## wmn1

GusPolinski said:


> There are plenty of women that like to play the "controlling" card; sometimes it's warranted, but, often enough, it's not. And here's the deal -- it's a faux feminist male shaming tactic aimed at making you feel like knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.
> 
> Oh, and it has the added benefit of shutting down whatever discussion was going on when the card was pulled out of the deck.
> 
> How did your wife's first marriage end?
> 
> Did you meet her before or after it ended?



My thoughts exactly


----------



## Malaise

If you have to lie to your spouse in order to go on vacation, then, yes, you are in trouble.


----------



## wmn1

Miss Independent said:


> Wouldn't it be childish?
> 
> Anyway, I have to get up at 4am. I'm going to reply to your hypothetical example tomorrow.
> 
> In the meantime @germanchip1, can you clarify a few things?
> 
> 1. Did your wife ditch you to go with her friend?
> 
> 2. How long has she been friends with her?
> 
> 3. Was her trip with her friend cheaper than the one you two were planning?
> 
> 4. Was the trip to Nola a family trip or couple?
> 
> 5. You said that you turned out your friend proposition to go to Nola. Was it your choice?



all of these questions are irrelevant to OP's problem here. His wife is doormatting him and who knows what her intentions are. I am more curious as to what her demons are from the first marriage and how those dynamics were brought into this marriage. He should consider an ultimatum or cutting her loose


----------



## wmn1

even though Chip hasn't responded in a day or so, if I was him, based on her reactions and her attitude, I may be on the phone to a good PI in NO today. It is worth the $$ to see what she's about now than to find out in some obscure way 10 years from now that you blew 10 years living a lie 

Did she leave info on where she's staying ?

Another key will be how she treats him while he's gone. One of my buddies who stepped to the plate and divorced his now ex she took a similar trip to vegas. Called him one time in 5 days and texted him twice. Turns out she hooked up with 3 different guys out there. He hired a PI and papers were in her hands two weeks later

Time to step to the plate Chip Today is reckoning day


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

wmn1 said:


> all of these questions are irrelevant to OP's problem here.


Plus, Four of those questions were answered in his OP and subsequent posts.


----------



## TaDor

Find out what hotel she is staying at, somehow. Also better yet, install gps tracking on her phone or access her Google account (unless iPhone) that allows you to see where she is, without alerting her that you are tracking her.

Handy for the pi, if you go this route. You can send him snapshots of a map if you are tracking.

Bet when the sun goes down she will be nowhere to be found.


----------



## TaDor

Oh... Sorry if it seems that we are overreacting and trying to make you feel like crap and paranoid for no reason.

But this situation is not normal and your gut is telling you this and is why you are here talking to us about it.


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Miss Independent

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Plus, Four of those questions were answered in his OP and subsequent posts.




Oh I must have missed it huh? Care to show where he answered 4/5?


----------



## 225985

Miss Independent said:


> Oh I must have missed it huh? Care to show where he answered 4/5?


You are correct. OP did not mention if the NOLA trip was to be couple only or with the kids. We assume just the two of them but it is never stated. That is a key question because IMO Nola with kids is infinitely different that Nola with just husband or Nola with a BFF. 

Same for the turning down the Vegas trip. OP didn't indicate if wife had input or requested he turn down the trip to save it. That is a very key question.

German,

I doubt you will come back, but you have major issues with the marriage, separate from any potential cheating in NO. IMO you both don't see yourselves as a pair, but rather two individuals living together. Why don't you have combined money? It should not be a matter of you having money for the trip but she does not. That is NOT a marriage.

It's a cliche but the person who values the marriage less holds all the power. That seems to be your wife. She is going on the trip and you are posting here. See the difference.

The advice to take a revenge trip escalates the problem and solves nothing. 

This is a great place to discuss the major issues. I hope you come back.


----------



## TX-SC

Miss Independent said:


> Oh I must have missed it huh? Care to show where he answered 4/5?


Is this really important? Could she have simply said, "I will be happy to go to NO but I don't want to take the kids." 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## 225985

TX-SC said:


> Is this really important? Could she have simply said, "I will be happy to go to NO but I don't want to take the kids."
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk




Assuming OP even told his wife. That's why the question was asked to OP.


----------



## Thomas Quinn

You need to contact her ex and find out the real story. Read this... https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf.

If she doesn't give you a copy of her itinerary, you know what she's doing file and move on.


----------



## bankshot1993

Round up a couple buddies and go for a long wekend to vegas. If she protests than just tell her, " I thought it was already decided that we dont need to discuss it and i dont neec your permission."


----------



## 225985

Thomas Quinn said:


> ].
> 
> 
> 
> If she doesn't give you a copy of her itinerary, you know what she's doing file and move on.



Fly into MSY
Airport shuttle to hotel
Check into hotel
Drink, drink, have fun, drink
Check out of hotel
Depart for airport 

It's New Orleans. Eat, drink, dance, beignets. That's it.


----------



## Vinnydee

Two things. Just because you are married only 6 months does not mean she is not cheating. A young couple we knew socially were engaged. The guy was cheating on her before the engagement, through the engagement and after they married. The only thing was that his old excuse of working late to get them more money did not work when he wife saw the paychecks and put 2 and 2 together. She divorced him. 

The second problem I see is that two girls drinking heavily is a recipe for sex with strangers. I have had sex with a few married women during business trips after a few drinks at the bar of a hosted party by a client. After having my ex fiancée and then a girlfriend cheat on me, I will never trust anyone, male or female with a guy after they have been drinking which lowers their inhibitions especially knowing that you will never find out.

I am a different kind of guy. When I went on vacation I not only took my wife but also our girlfriend.  I have been burnt by an ex fiancée who I never once thought would cheat. She never even looked at other guys, or once said anything about another man she saw as we walked around the mall. She blindsided me because I was not looking for clues and made it easy on her. 

It could be just a weekend away but why does it have to be a weekend without you? She could still drink if you go with her and party too. The only thing she could not do if you were there is flirt with guys, get drunk and have sex with them. Where there is alcohol and men, no woman is safe, no matter what her initial intentions were. I have been on countless business trips and had drinks with my co-workers and other business men adn women. After a few drinks, the flirting starts. Far from home and no risk of being caught.

You can always look at it like this. If she has sex with a stranger that she never will see again, if you do not know that, it did not happen in your world. The danger is if she is going to meet a boyfriend. I dated a married women who used to meet her boyfriend at business seminars, conventions, trips with the girlfriends, etc. I asked her how she got away with it and she said that her girlfriend and even her secretary covered for her. I used to cover for the President of one company I worked for. I would tell his wife what he told me to tell her. Have a healthy does of mistrust and it may save your marriage. I am old enough to see what married women do when drunk. One tried to perform oral on me, another was tongue kissing me while grabbing my penis through my pants and trying to jerk me off. On the dance floor they would press against my crotch. Drinking and women do not make for a safe trip.


----------



## TaDor

You bring interesting insight to things Vinnydee. You've been the OM quite a bit, but also burned by being betrayed. AFAIK, I've never been the OM - but was close at least once. It was a woman at a hotel, drinking - attractive, etc... and I blew it, wasn't aware of the game back then. But yeah, lots of drunken sex and orgies or MFMF at conventions. I've seen boards on them as well "Going to be at XYZ convention - sex party from 6pm ~ 2am. Come and go anytime." - I didn't go to that, but a friend did.

I've seen such things or have been sexually felt up etc, (even hands into my pants) from drunk women I did not know or know much of (at non-sex party venues). Hell, I've had sex with a lesbian I picked up in a lesbian club in her own car - go figure.

When drunk, much lower inhibition, "what hubby don't know - won't hurt him", she will likely do the deed. What I find more disturbing is more accidental sex is bad enough "had to much to drink" vs. planning for several weeks, paying for and making travel arrangements to a party-town... that to me IS NOT accidental. Sure, what happens "was too much to drink" if she gets caught, but she is purposely going there. BTW, my wife and I also want to go to New Orleans - we want to go together, see the sights during the day and party hard for a night or two. Maybe next year or so.


----------



## 225985

OP must have taken a vacation from this thread


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

You married a party girl dude. And there's nothing you can do about that now. Just remember what happened when her last husband started to get "controlling".


----------



## TX-SC

blueinbr said:


> OP must have taken a vacation from this thread


Yeah, looks like he isn't responding anymore. Maybe he's in New Orleans? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## germanchip1

blueinbr said:


> Miss Independent said:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh I must have missed it huh? Care to show where he answered 4/5?
> 
> 
> 
> You are correct. OP did not mention if the NOLA trip was to be couple only or with the kids. We assume just the two of them but it is never stated. That is a key question because IMO Nola with kids is infinitely different that Nola with just husband or Nola with a BFF.
> 
> Same for the turning down the Vegas trip. OP didn't indicate if wife had input or requested he turn down the trip to save it. That is a very key question.
> 
> German,
> 
> I doubt you will come back, but you have major issues with the marriage, separate from any potential cheating in NO. IMO you both don't see yourselves as a pair, but rather two individuals living together. Why don't you have combined money? It should not be a matter of you having money for the trip but she does not. That is NOT a marriage.
> 
> It's a cliche but the person who values the marriage less holds all the power. That seems to be your wife. She is going on the trip and you are posting here. See the difference.
> 
> The advice to take a revenge trip escalates the problem and solves nothing.
> 
> This is a great place to discuss the major issues. I hope you come back.
Click to expand...

So the NOLA trip we discussed originally was only going to be the two of us. 

I turned down Vegas with a friend bc I knew it would bother her. It was one of the places she hadn't ever been at that point and wanted to go badly. I couldn't ever do that knowing it would upset her. If it was for work or even a bachelor party with good friends that's a different story. But it was similar to this trip. Just for no reason other than to go and the choice of any other destination.


----------



## manwithnoname

germanchip1 said:


> So the NOLA trip we discussed originally was only going to be the two of us.
> 
> I turned down Vegas with a friend bc I knew it would bother her. It was one of the places she hadn't ever been at that point and wanted to go badly. *I couldn't ever do that knowing it would upset her.* If it was for work or even a bachelor party with good friends that's a different story. But it was similar to this trip. Just for no reason other than to go and the choice of any other destination.


She knows it upsets you and doesn't give a ****. So her "controlling" ex was probably a dude like you who didn't like certain behavior.

Sorry man, I don't see her changing or your relationship working, at least not the way you want it to work.


----------



## manwithnoname

I would give her the "Your'e coming back to divorce papers" line, and I would mean it. That will show you how much or how little she respects you.


----------



## germanchip1

Sorry everyone. Was driving 11 hours for vacation with my kids. And to be honest I needed a break from all of the bad thoughts. Just eating away at me even more. Wasn't expecting all of these responses and it makes it harder. 

Well she is on the plane now. Headed to NO. Getting there nice and early on a Friday. This past week has been rough. Feeling from distant bc of all the fighting. She still doesn't get that it hurt me. And she barely even apologized for it. Justified much of it. First saying it was bc she was resentful of things in the marriage (money primarily and some with the kids) and then switched over to she had no choice bc her friend decided that's where she wanted to go and then the latest switch to I was leaving her alone for a week and she didn't want to be alone. 

The truth of it is that I asked many times about all of us going to her parents with the kids. I thought it would be a great vacation with the kids. And I get my kids every other year for break so I only get them 2 or 3 more times at best before they are in college. But she told me she couldn't take time and didn't have money each time. So I didn't want my kids to have to spend their break sitting in my office all day so I took them to their grandmas that they only get to see maybe once or twice a year. My mom. So then she booked her vacation bc she didn't want to be alone this weekend bc I left her alone. Turns out she was able to take 2 days off so she can have a four day weekend of it in NO. Then she asks her boss and got a third day off the day before so she can pack and get ready. I would've loved to have done a 4 or 5 day vacation anywhere with the family. We don't get to do them often. 

I'll be honest that this weekend is going to be beyond hard on me. Bc I wanted to go with her and experience it together. Not to mention I know what being the wingman means. I mentioned it to her but she insisted that no one is going to talk to the heavy friend. But she is gorgeous and I know guys. And I know drunk guys and drunk women. She keeps repeating that nothing will happen. She will not cheat. So I'm doing my best to take her at her word right now. 

The hard part is I'm the romantic one. And I wish she was more like I am with that. And more about doing things as a couple. I stupidly just kept hoping she was getting on a plane to come here and surprise me and love yada yada. Lol. But she sent me a text of her plane ticket to NO so I know that's not happening. No movie ending to this weekend I guess. Lol. I get it. A weekend with me and my kids certainly isn't anywhere near as exciting. 

She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding. 

I did tell her I wanted to go to therapy together the other day. So now I'm just hoping she makes it a priority. Bc this whole thing has bothered me so much that it really made me question what she thinks of our relationship and how she feels about me. I may not always be the best at communicating but when I do screw up it's bc I'm busy and forgot. I would never do anything to hurt her. She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. But she had to know it would hurt me or she wouldn't have avoided telling me for so long. 

And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough. 

I really only posted originally bc I was curious if other marriages all discussed things like going on trips. And if you would've talked about it with your spouse before going. I know my previous marriage we would've talked about it. Even though I can't ever see either of us taking separate vacations like this. But my current wife insists that's what normal couples do with girls weekends and she shouldn't have to get permission. 

Thanks for listening to me vent.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

germanchip1 said:


> Not to mention I know what being the wingman means. I mentioned it to her but she insisted that no one is going to talk to the heavy friend. But she is gorgeous and I know guys.


From "Urban Dictionary". I'd say "show it to her", but I'm guessing she wrote the passage.

"Now that the hot friend sees that the ugly girl has finally found a man, she is now free to start scouting". 





germanchip1 said:


> And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information.



I finally get it. Men who marry party girls are cuckolds. This statement is incredible. Girls, what kind of a man do you marry that you would even think it's a POSSIBILITY to get away with this, let alone be on a flight after having successfully pulled it off. She married a man who would let it happen. It's amazing really.

How long have you been together? I don't remember specifically, but married 6 months, dated for a while, I get the feeling. Does she go out a lot with her girlfriends? Stay out late? Ever hear the words "we were to drunk to drive so we just got a hotel downtown"? 

I'm guessing I'm close. I don't remember you ever saying "and this is SO out of character for her". And she's on her way to the party girl Olympics. She's been training her whole adult life for this. If it were me I'd be telling mom that I need to take a trip. It's an emergency. Please watch the kids. 

Good luck dude. 

PS: Full Disclosure: I've got issues. Take the above with a grain of salt. :|


----------



## wmn1

germanchip1 said:


> Sorry everyone. Was driving 11 hours for vacation with my kids. And to be honest I needed a break from all of the bad thoughts. Just eating away at me even more. Wasn't expecting all of these responses and it makes it harder.
> 
> Well she is on the plane now. Headed to NO. Getting there nice and early on a Friday. This past week has been rough. Feeling from distant bc of all the fighting. She still doesn't get that it hurt me. And she barely even apologized for it. Justified much of it. First saying it was bc she was resentful of things in the marriage (money primarily and some with the kids) and then switched over to she had no choice bc her friend decided that's where she wanted to go and then the latest switch to I was leaving her alone for a week and she didn't want to be alone.
> 
> The truth of it is that I asked many times about all of us going to her parents with the kids. I thought it would be a great vacation with the kids. And I get my kids every other year for break so I only get them 2 or 3 more times at best before they are in college. But she told me she couldn't take time and didn't have money each time. So I didn't want my kids to have to spend their break sitting in my office all day so I took them to their grandmas that they only get to see maybe once or twice a year. My mom. So then she booked her vacation bc she didn't want to be alone this weekend bc I left her alone. Turns out she was able to take 2 days off so she can have a four day weekend of it in NO. Then she asks her boss and got a third day off the day before so she can pack and get ready. I would've loved to have done a 4 or 5 day vacation anywhere with the family. We don't get to do them often.
> 
> I'll be honest that this weekend is going to be beyond hard on me. Bc I wanted to go with her and experience it together. Not to mention I know what being the wingman means. I mentioned it to her but she insisted that no one is going to talk to the heavy friend. But she is gorgeous and I know guys. And I know drunk guys and drunk women. She keeps repeating that nothing will happen. She will not cheat. So I'm doing my best to take her at her word right now.
> 
> The hard part is I'm the romantic one. And I wish she was more like I am with that. And more about doing things as a couple. I stupidly just kept hoping she was getting on a plane to come here and surprise me and love yada yada. Lol. But she sent me a text of her plane ticket to NO so I know that's not happening. No movie ending to this weekend I guess. Lol. I get it. A weekend with me and my kids certainly isn't anywhere near as exciting.
> 
> She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding.
> 
> I did tell her I wanted to go to therapy together the other day. So now I'm just hoping she makes it a priority. Bc this whole thing has bothered me so much that it really made me question what she thinks of our relationship and how she feels about me. I may not always be the best at communicating but when I do screw up it's bc I'm busy and forgot. I would never do anything to hurt her. She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. But she had to know it would hurt me or she wouldn't have avoided telling me for so long.
> 
> And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough.
> 
> I really only posted originally bc I was curious if other marriages all discussed things like going on trips. And if you would've talked about it with your spouse before going. I know my previous marriage we would've talked about it. Even though I can't ever see either of us taking separate vacations like this. But my current wife insists that's what normal couples do with girls weekends and she shouldn't have to get permission.
> 
> Thanks for listening to me vent.


No PI, no itinerary, she's being secretive, she showers you with "I love yous" when her actions speak otherwise and the best thing you can come up with is counseling ?

Counseling with who ? For all you know, you could be counseling over communication issues when you have a wife who may be up to bad things in NO.

What is your exposure for loss if you decide to end the marriage ?

She has brought her brokenness and put it on your shoulders.

The fact that you turned down LV for her but she goes to NO without you is not very forgivable IMO


----------



## Dr. Stupid

She knows that you wanted to go to NO with her. It's on your bucket list.
She knows that she's hurting you by going.
The time that she negotiated away from work was for her. Her family wasn't a consideration. 
She refuses to let you know her itinerary, even what hotel she's staying in. 
She diverts and makes excuses as to her motives. 
She doesn't "need permission" from you is her only argument because there is no good excuse for what she's doing. 
Dozens of the words "I love you" but her actions speak otherwise. 
"Normal" women go on "Girl's night out" and weekends with their friends, but not at the expense of their family's emotional well-being.

There are so many other things... but you get what I'm saying. 

My husband wouldn't think of going to a place on our bucket list without me.
My husband wouldn't think of hurting me by going to a party town without me (if I wanted to go) despite my concerns.
My husband wouldn't negotiate precious time away from work, only to exclude me from it.
My husband always lets me know where he's going, where he's staying, and what he's doing, even on business trips, and loves to send me pictures of himself and the places he's seeing, so that I can experience a little of it myself since I have my own work to do. 
My husband doesn't make excuses. If he believes that he's being fair, he stands firm. He doesn't believe in being unfair, so thus, he doesn't have to make excuses. Sometimes he sacrifices what he wants for what I want, but he makes sure that I understand that it's voluntary, not an obligation. I do the same for him. 
My husband doesn't need my permission to do anything, but he wants me to approve. We sometimes have to negotiate.
When my husband says "I love you", he isn't stabbing me in the back while he's saying it. 
My husband puts me first. I put him first. 
My husband won't put up with my crap either, and everyone has a little crap in them. He's firm and fair, and he expects that from me. 

You, on the other hand, are letting your wife set a precedent. She's going on this trip, and to hell with you. You're expected to deal with it now, and she'll smooth things over when she gets back. When that works, then the next time she has an itch that you can't scratch, she'll do it again. 

Is she going there with no boundaries, meaning, if a stud wants to plow her, she's going to get plowed? It certainly seems like it. What happens in NO stays in NO, right? Will that happen? Maybe. If it doesn't happen, will you think to yourself "Whew! I'm glad we dodged that bullet!". How will you know if she's been faithful? Actually, I suppose the question is "How will you know if she's been even MORE UNfaithful", because she's already pushed the definition of faithful almost to the breaking point. There's no "freshness indicator" on her lady parts, and you don't know where she'll be, because she won't tell you. I guess you'll just always wonder about that, won't you, because you can't prove that she DIDN'T do anything. 

The trust issue is not because she's going out of town with a friend. My husband goes out of town often, and I'm not concerned about his behavior. It's because she's being insistent, secretive, and selfish to the extreme that makes her untrustworthy.

If your wife is truly faithful, and yet incapable of understanding what she's doing to your relationship, she certainly doesn't understand one of the basic rules of marriage: Avoid the appearance of wrong-doing. 

If my husband behaved as your wife is, he wouldn't hear a peep out of me while he was gone. Absolutely NO CONTACT. He'd come home to HIS house, not OUR house, after his potential sexcation, because I wouldn't be there anymore. There'd be a note on his pillow, "You did your thing. I'm doing mine".

Only you can decide, since you didn't put your foot down before she left, if you're willing to put up with the misery of this precedent. If you do, the next time she pulls the stunt, and she will, it will be much harder for you to deal with, unless you've lopped your testicles off and given them to her in a gift box by then.

Sorry if you want gentle. You don't need gentle. There's too much gentle. Everyone gets a trophy, right? You need to stand up for yourself and your children. You need a woman like me to tell you that you're not cutting it, so a woman like your wife doesn't own you. Gentle? How about HARD. How about ASSERTIVE. How about STRONG but FAIR. That's what you need to be, so you'll get the woman that you deserve. 

Sometimes, the only answer to her mistake, and your mistake in choosing her, is a hearty "GTFO. I won't be treated this way", but then, you have to mean it.


----------



## SunCMars

Andy1001 said:


> I've been banned from diaper duty except in an emergency.


If you have a Nose it is always an emergency.


----------



## Malaise

germanchip1 said:


> She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding.
> 
> I did tell her I wanted to go to therapy together the other day. So now I'm just hoping she makes it a priority. Bc this whole thing has bothered me so much that it really made me question what she thinks of our relationship and how she feels about me. I may not always be the best at communicating but when I do screw up it's bc I'm busy and forgot. I would never do anything to hurt her. *She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me.* But she had to know it would hurt me or she wouldn't have avoided telling me for so long.


That's because she wasn't thinking about you.

The " I love yous ", a distraction. Camoflage.

And, it's not about getting permission. It's about married people, partners, discussing their plans with the people they supposedly love. And respect.


----------



## SunCMars

Dr. Stupid said:


> She knows that you wanted to go to NO with her. It's on your bucket list.
> She knows that she's hurting you by going.
> The time that she negotiated away from work was for her. Her family wasn't a consideration.
> She refuses to let you know her itinerary, even what hotel she's staying in.
> She diverts and makes excuses as to her motives.
> She doesn't "need permission" from you is her only argument because there is no good excuse for what she's doing.
> Dozens of the words "I love you" but her actions speak otherwise.
> "Normal" women go on "Girl's night out" and weekends with their friends, but not at the expense of their family's emotional well-being.
> 
> There are so many other things... but you get what I'm saying.
> 
> My husband wouldn't think of going to a place on our bucket list without me.
> My husband wouldn't think of hurting me by going to a party town without me (if I wanted to go) despite my concerns.
> My husband wouldn't negotiate precious time away from work, only to exclude me from it.
> My husband always lets me know where he's going, where he's staying, and what he's doing, even on business trips, and loves to send me pictures of himself and the places he's seeing, so that I can experience a little of it myself since I have my own work to do.
> My husband doesn't make excuses. If he believes that he's being fair, he stands firm. He doesn't believe in being unfair, so thus, he doesn't have to make excuses. Sometimes he sacrifices what he wants for what I want, but he makes sure that I understand that it's voluntary, not an obligation. I do the same for him.
> My husband doesn't need my permission to do anything, but he wants me to approve. We sometimes have to negotiate.
> When my husband says "I love you", he isn't stabbing me in the back while he's saying it.
> My husband puts me first. I put him first.
> My husband won't put up with my crap either, and everyone has a little crap in them. He's firm and fair, and he expects that from me.
> 
> You, on the other hand, are letting your wife set a precedent. She's going on this trip, and to hell with you. You're expected to deal with it now, and she'll smooth things over when she gets back. When that works, then the next time she has an itch that you can't scratch, she'll do it again.
> 
> Is she going there with no boundaries, meaning, if a stud wants to plow her, she's going to get plowed? It certainly seems like it. What happens in NO stays in NO, right? Will that happen? Maybe. If it doesn't happen, will you think to yourself "Whew! I'm glad we dodged that bullet!". How will you know if she's been faithful? Actually, I suppose the question is "How will you know if she's been even MORE UNfaithful", because she's already pushed the definition of faithful almost to the breaking point. There's no "freshness indicator" on her lady parts, and you don't know where she'll be, because she won't tell you. I guess you'll just always wonder about that, won't you, because you can't prove that she DIDN'T do anything.
> 
> The trust issue is not because she's going out of town with a friend. My husband goes out of town often, and I'm not concerned about his behavior. It's because she's being insistent, secretive, and selfish to the extreme that makes her untrustworthy.
> 
> If your wife is truly faithful, and yet incapable of understanding what she's doing to your relationship, she certainly doesn't understand one of the basic rules of marriage: Avoid the appearance of wrong-doing.
> 
> If my husband behaved as your wife is, he wouldn't hear a peep out of me while he was gone. Absolutely NO CONTACT. He'd come home to HIS house, not OUR house, after his potential sexcation, because I wouldn't be there anymore. There'd be a note on his pillow, "You did your thing. I'm doing mine".
> 
> Only you can decide, since you didn't put your foot down before she left, if you're willing to put up with the misery of this precedent. If you do, the next time she pulls the stunt, and she will, it will be much harder for you to deal with, unless you've lopped your testicles off and given them to her in a gift box by then.
> 
> Sorry if you want gentle. You don't need gentle. There's too much gentle. Everyone gets a trophy, right? You need to stand up for yourself and your children. You need a woman like me to tell you that you're not cutting it, so a woman like your wife doesn't own you. Gentle? How about HARD. How about ASSERTIVE. How about STRONG but FAIR. That's what you need to be, so you'll get the woman that you deserve.
> 
> Sometimes, the only answer to her mistake, and your mistake in choosing her, is a hearty "GTFO. I won't be treated this way", but then, you have to mean it.


Wow!

Good Post.

A few ouches.

And baby...you ain't *stupid! 
..............................................................................................................................
Stupid is as stupid does. 
*You Stupid? Only [viewed so] in pre-medieval times, when men owned women.


----------



## Andy1001

germanchip1 said:


> Sorry everyone. Was driving 11 hours for vacation with my kids. And to be honest I needed a break from all of the bad thoughts. Just eating away at me even more. Wasn't expecting all of these responses and it makes it harder.
> 
> Well she is on the plane now. Headed to NO. Getting there nice and early on a Friday. This past week has been rough. Feeling from distant bc of all the fighting. She still doesn't get that it hurt me. And she barely even apologized for it. Justified much of it. First saying it was bc she was resentful of things in the marriage (money primarily and some with the kids) and then switched over to she had no choice bc her friend decided that's where she wanted to go and then the latest switch to I was leaving her alone for a week and she didn't want to be alone.
> 
> The truth of it is that I asked many times about all of us going to her parents with the kids. I thought it would be a great vacation with the kids. And I get my kids every other year for break so I only get them 2 or 3 more times at best before they are in college. But she told me she couldn't take time and didn't have money each time. So I didn't want my kids to have to spend their break sitting in my office all day so I took them to their grandmas that they only get to see maybe once or twice a year. My mom. So then she booked her vacation bc she didn't want to be alone this weekend bc I left her alone. Turns out she was able to take 2 days off so she can have a four day weekend of it in NO. Then she asks her boss and got a third day off the day before so she can pack and get ready. I would've loved to have done a 4 or 5 day vacation anywhere with the family. We don't get to do them often.
> 
> I'll be honest that this weekend is going to be beyond hard on me. Bc I wanted to go with her and experience it together. Not to mention I know what being the wingman means. I mentioned it to her but she insisted that no one is going to talk to the heavy friend. But she is gorgeous and I know guys. And I know drunk guys and drunk women. She keeps repeating that nothing will happen. She will not cheat. So I'm doing my best to take her at her word right now.
> 
> The hard part is I'm the romantic one. And I wish she was more like I am with that. And more about doing things as a couple. I stupidly just kept hoping she was getting on a plane to come here and surprise me and love yada yada. Lol. But she sent me a text of her plane ticket to NO so I know that's not happening. No movie ending to this weekend I guess. Lol. I get it. A weekend with me and my kids certainly isn't anywhere near as exciting.
> 
> She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding.
> 
> I did tell her I wanted to go to therapy together the other day. So now I'm just hoping she makes it a priority. Bc this whole thing has bothered me so much that it really made me question what she thinks of our relationship and how she feels about me. I may not always be the best at communicating but when I do screw up it's bc I'm busy and forgot. I would never do anything to hurt her. She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. But she had to know it would hurt me or she wouldn't have avoided telling me for so long.
> 
> And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough.
> 
> I really only posted originally bc I was curious if other marriages all discussed things like going on trips. And if you would've talked about it with your spouse before going. I know my previous marriage we would've talked about it. Even though I can't ever see either of us taking separate vacations like this. But my current wife insists that's what normal couples do with girls weekends and she shouldn't have to get permission.
> 
> Thanks for listening to me vent.


Your wife does want a husband,but only part time and you will fill that role when she wants to play the role of loving wife.
When she wants to play the role of single girl you are not required and she has shown you not only in her words but also her actions.
The best bit of advice I ever got on tam was to judge someone by their actions,not their words.She has shown you and told you exactly where you fit in and standing on the outside looking in,your life stinks.Go and see a lawyer when you get back and if it is your house,change the locks.This woman has shown you who she is.Believe her.


----------



## TX-SC

It seems to me that the two of you are not overly compatible. If your thoughts on these trips is so far from hers, and she doesn't appear to even care, then your marriage will only get worse. I am a huge advocate of saving marriages but you really only have three options. 

1) Continue letting her walk all over you like a doormat. 

2) Divorce, move on, and find someone more compatible. 

3) Take her lead and stop caring what she does. Go on your own vacations and don't plan things with her. She no longer should be the center of your thinking. 

Personally, after only a few months of marriage, I would choose #2. Chalk it up to a poor decision and move on. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars

Ref: post 154.

Ref: sitcom, "Car 54" where are you?
Hello Dear, how are you! Where are you?

The whole 4 days will worry you, eat at you.
Unlike a few big worrywarts on TAM, I do not think she will cheat on you. 
No kissing or hand-holding, or worse.

Getting hit on, yes.
Getting or allowing men to buy them drinks, yes.

Talking and flirting...yes. She will initially make an effort to behave, to resist. Then the alcohol will kick in. Her defenses will lower. Lower a tad more. Hell, she already has opened the gate.Her girlfriend is single. She [GF] is going to be the "wild card", the wild one. What is your wife going to do when her BFF allows other men to get close and to talk and shmooze. They are going to buying drinks for her and her girlfriend. How can she chase them off, when this happens?

The girlfriend may get bedded. That leaves your wife to either sit by herself or go to her room by herself...or to continue sitting with the bevy of male players.

I do not think she will have any ONS's. I could be wrong. 

She should not put you through this. 

She said she will not cheat! Wow! This means that she knows your fears and walks off the plank anyway. 

Some hope: The frequent calls saying: "I love you". 

She does love you. She does love you...but she loves herself more. She is self-destructive.


----------



## Jessica38

She sounds like she just doesn't know how to be married. You need to let her know that this kind of independent behavior in marriage isn't going to work for you. 

She did this because she justified it in her mind and thought you'd suck it up. 

Let her know that's not the case. I'd make this a big issue and MC a non-negotiable. She isn't behaving like a married woman.


----------



## GuyInColorado

Do you take care of her financially? What security do you give her? Definitely sounds like she's resenting you. 

I hear you about trust. My fiance is the hottest thing in the world (duh!) and I know other guys are checking her out whenever she's out and about. If she went to Vegas or NO with another single girl, I'd have an uneasy feeling in my stomach, especially with your circumstances. A married couple shouldn't be putting themselves in that type of situation, way too risky for temptation. I've been to Vegas by myself for work and I've been tempted to see if I still got it to boost my ego. It's so easy in Vegas or other party towns to have a ONS if you put a little effort into it, seen it happen with other guys many times.


----------



## _anonymous_

The strongest indicator of big problems in any relationship is poor communication. Your wife hid details from you about her trip (e.g. whether or not it would happen, when she had already booked), and that is not open communication. Why?

Ask yourself if you've given her reason: Have you gotten angry in the past over such things? Are you controlling on any level? 

If so, this may be why she's not communicating. If not, she is likely hiding something, or rather, it's possible that she's selfishly acting in her own interests with complete disregard for your opinion (e.g. she wants to do her thing, without push back).

Find out what's going on...

Her wanting too much freedom in the marriage (does whatever, whenever) is worrisome, but that's a problem that can be fixed. On the other hand, if your wife is cheating on you after only 6 months, that can't be fixed; should you stay; it will be the beginning of your sorrows!


----------



## jlg07

germanchip1 said:


> Sorry everyone. Was driving 11 hours for vacation with my kids. And to be honest I needed a break from all of the bad thoughts. Just eating away at me even more. Wasn't expecting all of these responses and it makes it harder.
> 
> Well she is on the plane now. Headed to NO. Getting there nice and early on a Friday. This past week has been rough. Feeling from distant bc of all the fighting. She still doesn't get that it hurt me. And she barely even apologized for it. Justified much of it. First saying it was bc she was resentful of things in the marriage (money primarily and some with the kids) and then switched over to she had no choice bc her friend decided that's where she wanted to go and then the latest switch to I was leaving her alone for a week and she didn't want to be alone.
> 
> The truth of it is that I asked many times about all of us going to her parents with the kids. I thought it would be a great vacation with the kids. And I get my kids every other year for break so I only get them 2 or 3 more times at best before they are in college. But she told me she couldn't take time and didn't have money each time. So I didn't want my kids to have to spend their break sitting in my office all day so I took them to their grandmas that they only get to see maybe once or twice a year. My mom. So then she booked her vacation bc she didn't want to be alone this weekend bc I left her alone. Turns out she was able to take 2 days off so she can have a four day weekend of it in NO. Then she asks her boss and got a third day off the day before so she can pack and get ready. I would've loved to have done a 4 or 5 day vacation anywhere with the family. We don't get to do them often.
> 
> I'll be honest that this weekend is going to be beyond hard on me. Bc I wanted to go with her and experience it together. Not to mention I know what being the wingman means. I mentioned it to her but she insisted that no one is going to talk to the heavy friend. But she is gorgeous and I know guys. And I know drunk guys and drunk women. She keeps repeating that nothing will happen. She will not cheat. So I'm doing my best to take her at her word right now.
> 
> The hard part is I'm the romantic one. And I wish she was more like I am with that. And more about doing things as a couple. I stupidly just kept hoping she was getting on a plane to come here and surprise me and love yada yada. Lol. But she sent me a text of her plane ticket to NO so I know that's not happening. No movie ending to this weekend I guess. Lol. I get it. A weekend with me and my kids certainly isn't anywhere near as exciting.
> 
> She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding.
> 
> I did tell her I wanted to go to therapy together the other day. So now I'm just hoping she makes it a priority. Bc this whole thing has bothered me so much that it really made me question what she thinks of our relationship and how she feels about me. I may not always be the best at communicating but when I do screw up it's bc I'm busy and forgot. I would never do anything to hurt her. She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. But she had to know it would hurt me or she wouldn't have avoided telling me for so long.
> 
> And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough.
> 
> I really only posted originally bc I was curious if other marriages all discussed things like going on trips. And if you would've talked about it with your spouse before going. I know my previous marriage we would've talked about it. Even though I can't ever see either of us taking separate vacations like this. But my current wife insists that's what normal couples do with girls weekends and she shouldn't have to get permission.
> 
> Thanks for listening to me vent.



I really hope you think of some sort of consequences for her doing this -- if there is none, she will think all is ok and will try to do this again. What she has done (as you know) is CRUEL and heartbreaking. I wish you had contacted a PI in NO to track/watch her. I have (as I'm sure you do and most here) a bad feeling about this.

Also THIS: She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding.

She's just trying to feel better about herself -- this is BS. 
This: She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. 
ALSO BS. SHE KNEW it would intentionally hurt you. She didn't care.


----------



## farsidejunky

If it were me, I would go dark. No response to texts. I would have her stuff waiting for her upon her return from the vacation.

That she chose to still go, is being secretive about the agenda, and chose this friends happiness over you, says it all.


----------



## Evinrude58

A woman that chooses partying with her friends over grandmas house with her new husband----

You really need to detach. I mean focus on other things in your life you can improve like a laser beam. Start forgetting this woman. She is not wife material, sir.


----------



## 225985

germanchip1 said:


> Sorry everyone. Was driving 11 hours for vacation with my kids. And to be honest I needed a break from all of the bad thoughts. Just eating away at me even more. Wasn't expecting all of these responses and it makes it harder.
> 
> Well she is on the plane now. Headed to NO. Getting there nice and early on a Friday. This past week has been rough. Feeling from distant bc of all the fighting. She still doesn't get that it hurt me. And she barely even apologized for it. Justified much of it. First saying it was bc she was resentful of things in the marriage (money primarily and some with the kids) and then switched over to she had no choice bc her friend decided that's where she wanted to go and then the latest switch to I was leaving her alone for a week and she didn't want to be alone.
> 
> The truth of it is that I asked many times about all of us going to her parents with the kids. I thought it would be a great vacation with the kids. And I get my kids every other year for break so I only get them 2 or 3 more times at best before they are in college. But she told me she couldn't take time and didn't have money each time. So I didn't want my kids to have to spend their break sitting in my office all day so I took them to their grandmas that they only get to see maybe once or twice a year. My mom. So then she booked her vacation bc she didn't want to be alone this weekend bc I left her alone. Turns out she was able to take 2 days off so she can have a four day weekend of it in NO. Then she asks her boss and got a third day off the day before so she can pack and get ready. I would've loved to have done a 4 or 5 day vacation anywhere with the family. We don't get to do them often.
> 
> I'll be honest that this weekend is going to be beyond hard on me. Bc I wanted to go with her and experience it together. Not to mention I know what being the wingman means. I mentioned it to her but she insisted that no one is going to talk to the heavy friend. But she is gorgeous and I know guys. And I know drunk guys and drunk women. She keeps repeating that nothing will happen. She will not cheat. So I'm doing my best to take her at her word right now.
> 
> The hard part is I'm the romantic one. And I wish she was more like I am with that. And more about doing things as a couple. I stupidly just kept hoping she was getting on a plane to come here and surprise me and love yada yada. Lol. But she sent me a text of her plane ticket to NO so I know that's not happening. No movie ending to this weekend I guess. Lol. I get it. A weekend with me and my kids certainly isn't anywhere near as exciting.
> 
> She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding.
> 
> I did tell her I wanted to go to therapy together the other day. So now I'm just hoping she makes it a priority. Bc this whole thing has bothered me so much that it really made me question what she thinks of our relationship and how she feels about me. I may not always be the best at communicating but when I do screw up it's bc I'm busy and forgot. I would never do anything to hurt her. She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. But she had to know it would hurt me or she wouldn't have avoided telling me for so long.
> 
> And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough.
> 
> I really only posted originally bc I was curious if other marriages all discussed things like going on trips. And if you would've talked about it with your spouse before going. I know my previous marriage we would've talked about it. Even though I can't ever see either of us taking separate vacations like this. But my current wife insists that's what normal couples do with girls weekends and she shouldn't have to get permission.
> 
> Thanks for listening to me vent.




Sounds like your idea of vacation is spending time with your kids and your mom. It doesn't sound like that is your wife's idea of vacation. I am the same way. Visiting relatives is not a vacation. It is called visiting relatives (or kids). 

Are you putting your kids ahead of your new wife?

Was Nola to be a trip of just you and her? Why didn't you put up the money to take her to Nola? You have money for the kids. 

I think this is a power struggle on both sides. Maybe you just aren't compatible. 

That crap about not telling you when her plane departs or what hotel she will be at is unacceptable. There is NO justifiable reason to hide that. Unless she thinks you will keep calling the hotel. 

I will be NO tonight and this week. Wife and I will keep an eye out for them. They will be in the French Quarter no doubt.


----------



## Marc878

germanchip1 said:


> Sorry everyone. Was driving 11 hours for vacation with my kids. And to be honest I needed a break from all of the bad thoughts. Just eating away at me even more. Wasn't expecting all of these responses and it makes it harder.
> 
> Well she is on the plane now. Headed to NO. Getting there nice and early on a Friday. This past week has been rough. Feeling from distant bc of all the fighting. *She still doesn't get that it hurt me. And she barely even apologized for it.* Justified much of it. First saying it was bc she was resentful of things in the marriage (money primarily and some with the kids) and then switched over to she had no choice bc her friend decided that's where she wanted to go and then the latest switch to I was leaving her alone for a week and she didn't want to be alone.
> 
> She gets it. You don't matter. You're the one that doesn't get it.
> 
> The truth of it is that I asked many times about all of us going to her parents with the kids. I thought it would be a great vacation with the kids. And I get my kids every other year for break so I only get them 2 or 3 more times at best before they are in college. But she told me she couldn't take time and didn't have money each time. So I didn't want my kids to have to spend their break sitting in my office all day so I took them to their grandmas that they only get to see maybe once or twice a year. My mom. So then she booked her vacation bc she didn't want to be alone this weekend bc I left her alone. Turns out she was able to take 2 days off so she can have a four day weekend of it in NO. Then she asks her boss and got a third day off the day before so she can pack and get ready. I would've loved to have done a 4 or 5 day vacation anywhere with the family. We don't get to do them often.
> 
> It's all her. You still aren't getting it.
> 
> I'll be honest that this weekend is going to be beyond hard on me. Bc I wanted to go with her and experience it together. Not to mention I know what being the wingman means. I mentioned it to her but she insisted that no one is going to talk to the heavy friend. But she is gorgeous and I know guys. And I know drunk guys and drunk women. She keeps repeating that nothing will happen. She will not cheat. So I'm doing my best to take her at her word right now.
> 
> Why do you think you weren't invited?
> 
> The hard part is I'm the romantic one. And I wish she was more like I am with that. And more about doing things as a couple. I stupidly just kept hoping she was getting on a plane to come here and surprise me and love yada yada. Lol. But she sent me a text of her plane ticket to NO so I know that's not happening. No movie ending to this weekend I guess. Lol. I get it. A weekend with me and my kids certainly isn't anywhere near as exciting.
> 
> She has sent me a ton of 'I love you's' in the last 12 hours or so leading up and as she was boarding.
> 
> Breadcrumbs to pacify you a little bit
> 
> *I did tell her I wanted to go to therapy together the other day. So now I'm just hoping she makes it a priority. Bc this whole thing has bothered me so much that it really made me question what she thinks of our relationship and how she feels about me*. I may not always be the best at communicating but when I do screw up it's bc I'm busy and forgot. I would never do anything to hurt her. She says she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. But she had to know it would hurt me or she wouldn't have avoided telling me for so long.
> 
> She's told you and shown you what she thinks of you. You just don't want to see it.
> 
> Therapy is your crutch because you aren't strong enough to take charge of your own life. You're being walked on and played but are helpless at this time. This will set the tone make no mistake. You have not much future here.
> 
> And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough.
> 
> You need the truth but I doubt you'd believe it. Much less do anything about it. Deep down you know where you are. It is all up to you.
> 
> I really only posted originally bc I was curious if other marriages all discussed things like going on trips. And if you would've talked about it with your spouse before going. I know my previous marriage we would've talked about it. Even though I can't ever see either of us taking separate vacations like this. But my current wife insists that's what normal couples do with girls weekends and she shouldn't have to get permission.
> 
> Thanks for listening to me vent.


Good luck, you'll need it


----------



## TX-SC

You may not like to hear it, but I really don't see you as being happily married to this woman. There is a very good chance she will cheat on you, or at the very least be "inappropriate" while there. 

I really think you should consider divorcing. Then, keep dating her if you want, but don't be MARRIED to a person like this 

I would go dark on her this weekend. Then, when you and she are both home, pull her aside and tell her that you think getting married was a bad idea since the two of you have competing notions of what marriage means. Divorce should be really quick and easy and then you two can decide whether to continue dating or not. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

blueinbr said:


> Was Nola to be a trip of just you and her?.


Yes.



germanchip1 said:


> So the NOLA trip we discussed originally was only going to be the two of us.


----------



## 225985

Chip,

Absent cheating, divorcing over this trip is over reacting. Revenge trips, going dark etc are passive aggressive nonsense. 

If you need to hire a PI 6 months after wedding means your marriage is already toast. 

But the trip and all leading up to it do require self reflection on your part if this is a person you want to continue your life with. 

You both seem to bring baggage into this new marriage. At the end of the day, it just might not work out. 

You never posted about the custody arrangements. Do you see your kids less than 50/50 while your new wife sees her kids more? 

You seem to want the kid time while wife seems to want a break from it. 

And why didn't you offer to pay for the New Orleans trip? That indicates you both still have his and hers and not "ours". 

When she gets back it's time for a serious talk over whether to continue the marriage.


----------



## wmn1

he would have his answers if he would have hired a PI. he didn't. Now any reaction he has he will be accused of being controlling and if he breaks it off with her, he will always wonder if he overreacted to her potential cheating rather than reacting to the fact that she did cheat. He needs to know what she's doing. The problem is that he will have no clue what she did and the question will always be in his mind. he's getting played.

In my opinion, the way she handled this situation shows me she's not marriage material


----------



## TX-SC

blueinbr said:


> Chip,
> 
> Absent cheating, divorcing over this trip is over reacting. Revenge trips, going dark etc are passive aggressive nonsense.
> 
> If you need to hire a PI 6 months after wedding means your marriage is already toast.
> 
> But the trip and all leading up to it do require self reflection on your part if this is a person you want to continue your life with.
> 
> You both seem to bring baggage into this new marriage. At the end of the day, it just might not work out.
> 
> You never posted about the custody arrangements. Do you see your kids less than 50/50 while your new wife sees her kids more?
> 
> You seem to want the kid time while wife seems to want a break from it.
> 
> And why didn't you offer to pay for the New Orleans trip? That indicates you both still have his and hers and not "ours".
> 
> When she gets back it's time for a serious talk over whether to continue the marriage.


Your first sentance and last sentance are kind of contradictory. So, you disagree about considering divorce, but think they should consider divorce? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Look, to me, your wife is extremely selfish. 



> You never posted about the custody arrangements.


Yes, he did briefly here:


germanchip1 said:


> I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while.* Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.*


Then again when he returned here:


> I thought it would be a great vacation with the kids. And I get my kids every other year for break so I only get them 2 or 3 more times at best before they are in college.




Your wife gets the kids EVERY OTHER weekend, which means dad most likely has primary custody. I am actually surprised at how this important point is being glossed over throughout this thread. Every other weekend is one weekend on one weekend off. So, she has an ENTIRE week without the any children, as you stated earlier in the thread. So, this is why the entire "time away from the kids" makes ZERO sense to me. She gets built in breaks from the kids every other week.


----------



## manwithnoname

wmn1 said:


> he would have his answers if he would have hired a PI. he didn't. Now any reaction he has he will be accused of being controlling and if he breaks it off with her, he will always wonder if he overreacted to her potential cheating rather than reacting to the fact that she did cheat. He needs to know what she's doing. The problem is that he will have no clue what she did and the question will always be in his mind. he's getting played.
> 
> In my opinion, the way she handled this situation shows me she's not marriage material


That's unfortunately the position he put himself in. I like the no nonsense approach. You go on this trip, we're done. No wife of mine is going to a place like that to act single with a single friend. Agreed, she definitely is not wife/marriage material.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

177 posts all saying the same thing. 

Now, what are you going to do about it?


----------



## Jessica38

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Look, to me, your wife is extremely selfish.
> 
> Yes, he did briefly here:
> 
> 
> Then again when he returned here:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife gets the kids EVERY OTHER weekend, which means dad most likely has primary custody. I am actually surprised at how this important point is being glossed over throughout this thread. Every other weekend is one weekend on one weekend off. So, she has an ENTIRE week without the any children, as you stated earlier in the thread. So, this is why the entire "time away from the kids" makes ZERO sense to me. She gets built in breaks from the kids every other week.


Not necessarily. They could have shared custody, where they share weekdays and alternate weekends. Or she could have primary custody and he gets them only every other weekend.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Jessica38 said:


> Not necessarily.


 Yes, which is why I said most likely. I know it isn't definitive, but the custody situation was explained enough for her to look selfish. He has definitively explained the original NO trip was without the kids. Also, she still gets breaks in the scenarios you just described.


----------



## 225985

TX-SC said:


> Your first sentance and last sentance are kind of contradictory. So, you disagree about considering divorce, but think they should consider divorce?
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk




The trip cannot be an isolated incident. I say do not divorce over just this trip. But he needs to look at the whole dynamics of the marriage. 

He might want family time. She might prefer couples time. 

They have different thoughts on vacation. She might prefer getting drunk and partying with him while he might prefer staying home. 

They have issues with finances. Does he spent only on the kids and not her?. Is he overly generous with the kids? Is he a Disney dad?

Is she overcompensating for a bad ex and OP is paying the price? 

Let's face it. She can cheat anytime anywhere, not just in New Orleans. 

His original post implies he is the more romantic type. She may have different thoughts on what a marriage involves. 

He needs to consider that. Or just be a Mr Nice Guy and end up posting here for years.


----------



## lucy999

germanchip1 said:


> And no I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough.


Yikes. You do realize that this is all no good, right? 

The fact that your wife did not give you her itinerary or the hotel where she is staying, merely the flight info (only to NO and no return info???!!!! JFC!!!!!), says everything you need to know. Everything. I cannot wrap my brain around how any of this can be okay. This sort of situation would be a deal-breaker for me.

I am so sorry to have to say this to you, but it would be in your best interests to consult a lawyer. This is not what a healthy marriage looks like. Not by a long shot.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## 225985

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Look, to me, your wife is extremely selfish.
> 
> Yes, he did briefly here:
> 
> 
> Then again when he returned here:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife gets the kids EVERY OTHER weekend, which means dad most likely has primary custody. I am actually surprised at how this important point is being glossed over throughout this thread. Every other weekend is one weekend on one weekend off. So, she has an ENTIRE week without the any children, as you stated earlier in the thread. So, this is why the entire "time away from the kids" makes ZERO sense to me. She gets built in breaks from the kids every other week.




You read much more into this than me. Having every other weekend kids free doesn't mean they don't have them during the week. A 50/50 gives them every other weekend kids free. 

And OP referred to having them for BREAK every other year. I assumed this means they alternate spring or easter breaks, not that he only sees them every other year. 

I should have said he did not give enough details on custody.


----------



## Evinrude58

She won't tell him where she's staying or where she's going?

Maybe she works for the CIA or FBI. She could be undercover and trying to protect him.

Geez people, you're all just jumping to conclusions. She has a really good reason for keeping her husband in the dark about where and when she is while out with her single friend.

She has a reason for all this. She's not........... C H E A T I N G.

You people are just biased against his poor wife--- projecting because you've been betrayed yourself.
Thank goodness I'm more level headed and nonjudgmental about op's wife.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

blueinbr said:


> You read much more into this than me.


No, not at all. I am using everything he has said in previous posts to draw my conclusions.



> I should have said he did not give enough details on custody.


I believe he gave enough to explain why he is upset she took the trip to NOLA without him.


----------



## Jessica38

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yes, which is why I said most likely. I know it isn't definitive, but the custody situation was explained enough for her to look selfish. He has definitively explained the original NO trip was without the kids. Also, she still gets breaks in the scenarios you just described.


I get the point you're trying to make, but if she has primary custody, as a single mom, getting a break for 2 days every other week is not very much. She might have a good reason to want a break, especially if her kids are youngish, but her way of going about it is all wrong, as a married woman. She needs to either take a break with her husband or mutually agree with him before going without him.


----------



## Evinrude58

Not a break. A self proclaimed drunken party weekend. Huge difference.

A normal wife would call or text when she got to the hotel (which he knew the name of), and would get several pics of them having fun.
She'd text him when she got in at night, probably FaceTime him so he'd be reassured she was ok and not "out" at 3am.

My prediction:
No pics, no check-ins.
No FaceTime. Probably nothing until the party is over.
He might get a few I love you's just to pacify him.

No itinerary? No hotel?

No other explanation other than debauchery.
She's a party girl, not a wife,

She described her ex as controlling. I sure would like to hear her ex's story. I'll bet it would be interesting, to say the least.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Jessica38 said:


> I get the point you're trying to make, but if she has primary custody, as a single mom, getting a break for 2 days every other week is not very much. She might have a good reason to want a break, especially if her kids are youngish, but her way of going about it is all wrong, as a married woman. She needs to either take a break with her husband or mutually agree with him before going without him.


 No, you don't get the point I am trying to make. Basically, she took extra days to be away from her husband and kids. I do not get it even if she has a situation as you just described. She has 2 days at minimum without kids, which is a break. He was willing to plan a trip for them both without the kids, which is a break. She is now blaming marriage problems, of six months, on why she is going without him. No, I get wanting a break if it is as bad and small as you relate, but not without your husband. As someone who had no weekends off and was a single dad, 2 days every other week would have been amazing. I wouldn't want it though because I had to much fun, even with the rough times, raising my kids. Also not while handing him all of the excuses she has and no info.


I'll wait until he comes back so, we don't derail this thread based on our differing opinion on an incomplete custody situation.


----------



## 225985

.


----------



## Mrs.Sav

lucy999 said:


> Yikes. You do realize that this is all no good, right?
> 
> *The fact that your wife did not give you her itinerary or the hotel where she is staying, merely the flight info (only to NO and no return info???!!!! JFC!!!!!), says everything you need to know. Everything. I cannot wrap my brain around how any of this can be okay. This sort of situation would be a deal-breaker for me.*
> 
> I am so sorry to have to say this to you, but it would be in your best interests to consult a lawyer. This is not what a healthy marriage looks like. Not by a long shot.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


:iagree: There is definitely a communication problem or as you can also say...a lack of transparency.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

This is what makes me think she is selfish. If there was no manipulation, no excuses, no hedging and transparency I'd agree it is small. She hid, lied, avoided going with him, went with a friend, avoided a family vacation (people with kids get this) and fought to give him flight information. Honestly, my butt would have been at the airport. Call me controlling, but I'd have to make sure I saw your friend's boarding pass. 

Sorry, this is a ton of drama for a "I need a break with my friend" type of trip. Remember, he says he was fine until he discovered she hid all of this information and lied about where she was going when asked. Yes, it is a lie when you say "IDK" and you have the tickets, hotel and rides already booked.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

Check the wingwoman's facebook page. Your wife's will be clean. Hers may not be.


----------



## TRy

germanchip1 said:


> Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"


 Your wife is using what is called a straw man augment, when she argues a point that you did not make; in this case you never told her that she needed your permission and she knows this. 

Tell her that there are a few real issues that you have with this. One is that she lied to you when she told you that she did not have the money, the days off. or the baby sitting for such a trip, when in fact she did not try to discover if she could; if she claims that the situation changed, then it was a lie by omission when she did not tell you immediately of this fact, and when she at first left out where she was going. She would be lying even more is she tries to claim that she did not do this on purpose. Another issue is that although she has the right to do this without your permission, she broke her obligation to keep you as her spouse fully informed in a transparent and timely manner; it is outrageous that her friend knew that she had the days off, the money, and the baby sitting before you did, especially when you consider that you had invited her to vacation with you on those exact dates. Finally, there is the issue that so early in your marriage she would prefer to vacation without children and you if given the option. She may or may not intend to party with other men when on this trip, but regardless you need to reconsider if she is good marriage material before she is married to you long enough for alimony to become a factor. I for one would not want to be married to someone that does not consider me to be her first priority, or to someone that I cannot fully trust. I know that you like most posters will probably ignore this advice, but at least you have been warned. This will not end well.


----------



## TRy

Evinrude58 said:


> She described her ex as controlling. I sure would like to hear her ex's story. I'll bet it would be interesting, to say the least.


 When a cheater says that their spouse is controlling, what they mean is that they do not want to be controlled by the terms of their marriage vows.


----------



## TRy

germanchip1 said:


> I didn't get any itinerary. It was like pulling teeth to get flight info. Still no idea about her flight back. And certainly no hotel information. I know what most are going to say. Just go easy on me please bc this is hard enough.


 Are you kidding me? There is no non-cheating reason for her not have willingly given you her complete itinerary. None. Sorry but this bull. This whole thing would be a deal breaker for me. After only 6 months and no joint children, get out now, it will only cost you more later.


----------



## SunCMars

_anonymous_ said:


> Find out *what's going on...
> *
> Her wanting too much freedom in the marriage (does whatever, whenever) is worrisome, but that's a problem that *can be fixed*.


This pie does not have enough Rue-Barbs in it.

I am going to add another. Plus, I will throw a fishhook in it, also.



*What is going on:*

Simple: Wives train their husbands. They learn this in Home Economics as Sophomores in High School. 

She is setting the table, letting you know how it is going to be....with her.

This is training given by a Misanthrope.




*Can be fixed:*

When women get tired of [pet] Male Tom Cats and Male Dogs acting UP. Poking them.....they neuter them, cut their nuts off. 

*She is trying to fix you..*...with paper training and whacks on your nose and your......


----------



## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> She won't tell him where she's staying or where she's going?
> 
> Maybe she works for the CIA or FBI. She could be undercover and trying to protect him.
> 
> Geez people, you're all just jumping to conclusions. She has a really good reason for keeping her husband in the dark about where and when she is while out with her single friend.
> 
> She has a reason for all this. She's not........... C H E A T I N G.
> 
> You people are just biased against his poor wife--- projecting because you've been betrayed yourself.
> Thank goodness I'm more level headed and nonjudgmental about op's wife.


My friend has a river boat...a small lake boat.
It is made of wood....it leaks. He has a sump pump in the back to keep [most] of the water away from our feet.

It is an old boat.
Going down the river it chugs and burps, chugs and burps. Occasionally, backfiring.

It sounds like an old man trying to make a point, using humor.

I must say, I do enjoy the ride.

The outlandish motor is an old @Evinrude58 HP.


----------



## The Middleman

germanchip1 said:


> I really only posted originally bc I was curious if other marriages all discussed things like going on trips. And if you would've talked about it with your spouse before going. I know my previous marriage we would've talked about it. Even though I can't ever see either of us taking separate vacations like this. But my current wife insists that's what normal couples do with girls weekends and she shouldn't have to get permission.
> 
> Thanks for listening to me vent.


My wife has never gone away without me except for 3 sister only weekends over the entire time we've been together. Once my wife brought up a separate vacation with some friends of her's, she asked me if it was OK. I said you're an adult and you don't need my permission, you can do what you want. However, I qualified it by saying that I would prefer if she didn't go. She asked what would I do if she went, and all I said was go and let's see what happens. I think she was just **** testing me.

If I were you, I wouldn't be home when she gets back. Give her something to think about. That's what I would do.


----------



## Thomas Quinn

TRy said:


> Are you kidding me? There is no non-cheating reason for her not have willingly given you her complete itinerary. None. Sorry but this bull. This whole thing would be a deal breaker for me. After only 6 months and no joint children, get out now, it will only cost you more later.


THIS^^^
And get some ic for yourself as to why you would let someone treat you this badly.
This is only going to get worse sorry.


----------



## Decorum

Poor guy. He is about to have the Mother of all Bombs dropped on his mental and emotional well being.
I can't watch.


----------



## Thundarr

germanchip1 said:


> Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"


Just about every man and woman on this thread has told you the same darn thing and that is that she is not being respectful to you or the marriage. Here' the deal germanchip1; this is a test and you're completely failing it and there are consequences. Your fitness (to her) as a worthy partner is diminished due to your conflict avoidance. Do you think she want's you to say okay?


----------



## wmn1

blueinbr said:


> Sounds like your idea of vacation is spending time with your kids and your mom. It doesn't sound like that is your wife's idea of vacation. I am the same way. Visiting relatives is not a vacation. It is called visiting relatives (or kids).
> 
> Are you putting your kids ahead of your new wife?
> 
> Was Nola to be a trip of just you and her? Why didn't you put up the money to take her to Nola? You have money for the kids.
> 
> I think this is a power struggle on both sides. Maybe you just aren't compatible.
> 
> That crap about not telling you when her plane departs or what hotel she will be at is unacceptable. There is NO justifiable reason to hide that. Unless she thinks you will keep calling the hotel.
> 
> I will be NO tonight and this week. Wife and I will keep an eye out for them. They will be in the French Quarter no doubt.



why is this his deal and problem ? It sounds like she is the one who is broken.


----------



## 225985

.


----------



## wmn1

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, not at all. I am using everything he has said in previous posts to draw my conclusions.
> 
> I believe he gave enough to explain why he is upset she took the trip to NOLA without him.


I agree. He gave more than enough 

It is her who is in the wrong and those who disagree would be the first ones pouting if it happened to them, unless they were in one of those cruddy open marriages. Then they get what they deserve at that point. This is not one of them and this guy doesn't deserve this and yes, she is not on her best behavior based on her attitude. I just wonder if this woman had this attitude before they were married and he went head in anyway or if she hid it and is dropping it on him now which is divorce material


----------



## wmn1

try said:


> are you kidding me? There is no non-cheating reason for her not have willingly given you her complete itinerary. None. Sorry but this bull. This whole thing would be a deal breaker for me. After only 6 months and no joint children, get out now, it will only cost you more later.



exactly !!!!!!! Bail now


----------



## wmn1

ok, I will give this an honest try. 

First, why did you get together with her ? What attracted you to her ? Did she have these tendencies and you ignored them ?

Next, what is your loss if you divorce ?? Financially ?

Third, what are you going to do to ensure yourself that nothing happened in NO ? Since you didn't hire a PI... it's not too late BTW. why do you feel that you an go through years confident that she didn't play around this weekend ? 

I think you are too nice, you are co-dependent and it is costing you.

You need some help because you are doing a horrible job protecting yourself and 95% of the people here agree and 5% are caught up in so much in the reconciliation or gender games that it doesn't make them credible. 

I do feel very badly for you. You showed relational abilities and she failed badly. Assess your loss and move on. This is just the beginning of bad things for you IMO


----------



## germanchip1

She texts me that she loves me tonight. Message comes up while I'm getting my hair cut. Text her back twenty minutes and she says that it took me a long time to respond. Am I questioning if I love her. Well I text her later. She reads it four hours ago and Never responded. Then I try calling her at 12:20 am after I haven't gotten a call from her. Of course no answer. She told me yesterday that she would call me every night. Well guess it's clear what she really thinks about me and our marriage. ?


----------



## germanchip1

Not that it matters at this point but she has her kids 10 days out of 14. I have mine 7 out of 14. We have every other weekend completely kid free.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

He needs help handling this. She is going to make it appear that he destroyed his marriage and crashed this mixed family of his because of his extreme jealousy. And with no evidence, she'll be right. 

You still have Saturday night. You can hire a PI still, but it'll cost you. Otherwise, there are keyloggers and VARs that could get her bragging about her weekend. 

I don't know what a man that lets his wife on a plane to NO without knowing her hotel or return flight CAN do in this situation, but you need to do SOMETHING. Get these folks to help. Debate on her behavior is over. It's DO time.


----------



## germanchip1

I did get her hotel info this morning when she landed and I asked. No clue about return other than it's supposed to be Monday.


----------



## Slow Hand

germanchip1 said:


> She texts me that she loves me tonight. Message comes up while I'm getting my hair cut. Text her back twenty minutes and she says that it took me a long time to respond. Am I questioning if I love her. Well I text her later. She reads it four hours ago and Never responded. Then I try calling her at 12:20 am after I haven't gotten a call from her. Of course no answer. She told me yesterday that she would call me every night. Well guess it's clear what she really thinks about me and our marriage. ?


Oh man, you really did it now by not responding quick enough, methinks she's gonna use that on you later when she blame shifts and trickle truths you. Best to be prepared, you appear to ignore great advice from many posters so far. Time to take charge!


----------



## Thomas Quinn

germanchip1 said:


> I did get her hotel info this morning when she landed and I asked. No clue about return other than it's supposed to be Monday.















get a 

pi on it now you have nothing to lose.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Do you always ignore advice from people with experience? Are you not too smart? Or just like wasting time? At this point it seems that you're making your choices and you deserve the expected outcome. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Thomas Quinn

WorkingOnMe said:


> Do you always ignore advice from people with experience? Are you not too smart? Or just like wasting time? At this point it seems that you're making your choices and you deserve the expected outcome.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Tu sabes troll


----------



## Satya

If she uses the belated texting as an excuse to be justified in doing whatever she wants, then he should just divorce. 

No more childish games.

And, I delay texting all the time unintentionally, because I'm a BUSY person and my phone is not glued to me. 

You should be busy too, OP.


----------



## farsidejunky

You have your answer.

Now...What are you going to do about it?


----------



## manwithnoname

Slow Hand said:


> Oh man, you really did it now by not responding quick enough, methinks she's gonna use that on you later when she blame shifts and trickle truths you. Best to be prepared, you appear to ignore great advice from many posters so far. *Time to take charge!*


Too late. One does not grow testicles in a weekend


----------



## BobSimmons

This thread is clearly triggering a lot of folks.

OP's "meekness" is amusing.

Terrific.


----------



## manwithnoname

germanchip1 said:


> She texts me that she loves me tonight. Message comes up while I'm getting my hair cut. Text her back twenty minutes and she says that it took me a long time to respond. Am I questioning if I love her. Well I text her later. She reads it four hours ago and Never responded. Then I try calling her at 12:20 am after I haven't gotten a call from her. Of course no answer. She told me yesterday that she would call me every night. *Well guess it's clear what she really thinks about me and our marriage. ?*




This was clear before she left. You were told. She's playing games with the texting, she only texted you back about it taking long for your reply just so you can reply again, just for her to ignore your text. 

Ultimatum before she left would have either put her in line, or accelerated the inevitable demise of you marriage.

You couldn't reply because you were getting a hair cut. She couldn't answer her phone at 12:20 because she was..."sleeping".

If you don't intend on dumper her, then get a PI. I doubt you'll do either. 

This is frustrating. Man, do something that shows some sort of backbone.


----------



## Malaise

germanchip1 said:


> She texts me that she loves me tonight. Message comes up while I'm getting my hair cut. Text her back twenty minutes and she says that it took me a long time to respond. Am I questioning if I love her. Well I text her later. She reads it four hours ago and Never responded. Then I try calling her at 12:20 am after I haven't gotten a call from her. Of course no answer. *She told me yesterday that she would call me every night*. Well guess it's clear what she really thinks about me and our marriage. ?


That was to placate you.

Look, she'd rather party with her friend and, let's be honest, they are not partying alone. Interrupting the fun to call you was, I think, a buzz kill. Besides all of the background noise would have you asking questions. She wouldn't be calling from her hotel room at 10pm . The party is just getting started at that point.

I love you text was something on her to do list, to keep you on the line.

She's having fun, not thinking of you . And doesn't care. IMO


----------



## The Middleman

germanchip1 said:


> I did get her hotel info this morning when she landed and I asked. No clue about return other than it's supposed to be Monday.


What are your plans for her return?


----------



## Evinrude58

So now that you've got the "I love you", just like you were told you would, and one night of nothing-- she goes dark on you---

Now what you're going to do is worry and get all needy and go blowing up her phone, looking weak, and basically freaking out. This will let her know that she has you in her hip pocket. She can lie and cheat and you will take her back.

If you went dark and had her shot on the front lawn in plastic garbage bags when she returned, you might garner a little respect. 


Of course she didn't call you/-- she's out getting drunk and having fun. 

What are you going through do about your wife's horrible behavior?
I'd be interested to know your plan.


----------



## TX-SC

Go dark. No more texts and no calls. When she gets home, don't ask her about her trip. Honestly, you should be considering whether this marriage will last. It's a short term marriage and she's already acting this way? Um, no. That boat needs to sail. 

Have you ever talked to her ex? Or, do you assume she is giving you the truth? I bet he was just an average guy like you and when he wouldn't put up with her "You can't tell me what to do!" attitude, she labelled him controlling, just like she's doing with you. But unlike you, he got smart and kicked her out of his life. I'm willing to bet she cheated on him too. People like your wife are prone to getting their kicks any way they can. 

If you think she didn't bang a guy last night while you were fretting over her not calling, well, it's time to wake up friend. 

No calls, no texts, no more "I love you". Just go dark. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyrealname4

How do you hire a P.I. in a distant city at the last minute?
Bound to be cost prohibitive; but worth every cent in O.P.' s case.


----------



## 225985

.


----------



## notmyrealname4

Oooh! blueinbr as Mike Hammer, ?
But what does anyone do when they go to a bar?
You could buy liquor at a store and sit in your room and get safely plastered with your best friend...and you don't have to fly to New Orleans to do that.
You go to a bar to show off and get attention, with your inhibitions lowered by booze.
You know, like what single people do.


----------



## Andy1001

She is playing games.Whether she is cheating or not she has no problem letting her husband think she is.This sort of crap will have you tearing your hair out in frustration and can affect your sanity.
Dump her.
Dump her now.


----------



## notmyrealname4

And, let's be honest, we're not talking about the "Cheers" type bar environment--- the local pub, "where everybody knows your name", and you stop by every once in a while with your friends to socialize.

That's in your hometown, and that pesky husband could show up at anytime.

This is bacchanalia time; great when you and hubs are doing your bucket-list bender while attending jazzfests in N.O.

Other than that, no married person does this ****.


----------



## Taxman

Me, I would book a flight leave the kids with a sitter and show up in the lobby of her hotel. I would let the desk clerk know that I'm surprising her, and to ask whether anyone other than her has gone up to the room. If she has a visitor you'll find out, or you will have stuck a pin in her games with another man.


----------



## 225985

.


----------



## manwithnoname

Taxman said:


> Me, I would book a flight leave the kids with a sitter and show up in the lobby of her hotel. I would let the desk clerk know that I'm surprising her, and to ask whether anyone other than her has gone up to the room. If she has a visitor you'll find out, or you will have stuck a pin in her games with another man.



If I had found myself in this position, and for some crazy reason I didn't nip it in the bud before she left, I'd also go down there. But I'd go in a damn good disguise and observe, then if I caught her I would reveal myself calmly state we're done, and then leave. 

By reveal myself I mean let her know it was me in the disguise. :grin2:


----------



## Satya

All you have to do is put "New Orleans Party" into a Youtube search bar.


----------



## Marc878

germanchip1 said:


> She texts me that she loves me tonight. Message comes up while I'm getting my hair cut. Text her back twenty minutes and she says that it took me a long atime to respond. Am I questioning if I love her. Well I text her later. She reads it four hours ago and Never responded. Then I try calling her at 12:20 am after I haven't gotten a call from her. Of course no answer. She told me yesterday that she would call me every night. Well guess it's clear what she really thinks about me and our marriage. ?


Yep, you would be wise to believe her. I doubt you do yet.


----------



## The Middleman

blueinbr said:


> That only works in the movies


I think you're wrong. I would be down there at the same hotel and not give an f what happens.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

He's not flying down there. Help him handle it this weekend remote, then tell him what to do when she gets back. He needs to do this right from here on. I'm not an expert. I'm the OPPOSITE of an expert.


----------



## Taxman

Nobody is an expert. I am of the school that she should have never been allowed to do this. If the marriage is on the rocks, then say so, separate and screw whoever you please. If you are married, have the decency of going on vacations with your spouse, not this.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

Hey. Just checking in. You must be a basket case right about now. And there's nothing you can do until she gets back. And you need to keep it cool with your kids on an 11 hour drive home. Been there. 

Do not blow up her phone.
Do not get clingy.
Do not get accusatory.
Do not be weak.

When she gets back: "How was your trip?" "did you have fun?" Let her talk. If she doesn't talk, let it go. If your "Controlling behavior" comes up? "Sorry, I got a little carried away. Seen too many movies..."

You never answered me. Husbands of party girls never do, for some reason. But I'll bet she goes out quite often with this girl at home. Stay cool until she goes out again. Line up a local PI. Be ready. New Orleans was special, but she party's with the boys at home as well. I can all but guarantee it. 

I don't know what kind of power horrible wives have over men that give them that power. but you need to resist her makeup sex or whatever it is. She's not a good wife. She saw you as a savior with a paycheck and a willingness to put up with her bull****. You need to get out of this marriage. Start doing it now. And start doing it right. No more mistakes.


----------



## Marc878

This happening early on would lead me to suspect that OP was chosen as a mark to help with Expenses, etc.

Most I think would have figured this out by now and taken action.

She chose him for a reason. Easily manipulated, controlled, etc.

So far she's been correct.


----------



## straightshooter

Germanchip,

So you're on page 16 here and I did not read every post but its obvious either you made no attempt to put your foot down and interfere with this trip and are now sitting at home wondering what she is doing.

We know what she is doing. What we do not know is what and when you are going to decide to do something other than wring your hands and be tearing your gut up.

Now, since she is not telling you where she is, who she is with, and what she is doing, the only way you are going to get her attention is to take yourself to any attorney and tell her you have no ability to control her but you are not living in an open marriage where she comes and goes as she please as if you did not exist.

I would tell her upon her arrival home that unless she passes a polygraph test to confirm she is not cheating on you that you are filing for divorce. I think one way or the other that will get her attention.

Or you can continue to do nothing until she slips and you catch her with one of her boyfriends.

You do not need any more advice. This is not normal behavior for a married woman who wants to remain married in a monogamous relationship. And you are tolerating it which makes it worse and not likely to change.


----------



## The Middleman

straightshooter said:


> Or you can continue to do nothing until she slips and you catch her with one of her boyfriends.


We don't know if she is cheating or not. At the moment she should get the beneft of the doubt and we should assume, at the moment, that she is not cheating.

Having said that, her behavior towards her husband is abominable. She could care less about her husband's feelings and feels she should be allowed to come and go as if she had no attachments. That's why I would have made every effort to find out where she was staying and would have went right down there with her. It can't be that hard to find out. No James Bond stuff, but get right in her face. For me, if my wife went on this trip against my preference for her not to go, I would have considered the marriage over anyway, so what would I have to loose by going down there and showing her I'm not happy about it.

But he didn't do that, and now he has to either do what you said and draw that line in the sand ... or he can continue to grovel.


----------



## Thomas Quinn

The Middleman said:


> We don't know if she is cheating or not. At the moment she should get the beneft of the doubt and we should assume, at the moment, that she is not cheating.
> 
> Having said that, her behavior towards her husband is abominable. She could care less about her husband's feelings and feels she should be allowed to come and go as if she had no attachments. That's why I would have made every effort to find out where she was staying and would have went right down there with her. It can't be that hard to find out. No James Bond stuff, but get right in her face. For me, if my wife went on this trip against my preference for her not to go, I would have considered the marriage over anyway, so what would I have to loose by going down there and showing her I'm not happy about it.
> 
> But he didn't do that, and now he has to either do what you said and draw that line in the sand ... or he can continue to grovel.


It's the disrespect like Nixon and today the former Alabama governor it's not the act it's the cover up.


----------



## m00nman

The Middleman said:


> We don't know if she is cheating or not. At the moment she should get the beneft of the doubt and we should assume, at the moment, that she is not cheating.
> 
> Having said that, her behavior towards her husband is abominable. She could care less about her husband's feelings and feels she should be allowed to come and go as if she had no attachments. That's why I would have made every effort to find out where she was staying and would have went right down there with her. It can't be that hard to find out. No James Bond stuff, but get right in her face. For me, if my wife went on this trip against my preference for her not to go, I would have considered the marriage over anyway, so what would I have to loose by going down there and showing her I'm not happy about it.
> 
> But he didn't do that, and now he has to either do what you said and draw that line in the sand ... or he can continue to grovel.


Very well put. 

There's been a lot of conjecture about the OP's wife but the real issue here is lack of respect - by her AND in himself. He already drew the line in the sand and she crossed it. It's up to him not to draw another line and say "ok, don't cross THIS one." Otherwise, he's been through D once so he should know the game by now.


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Steve1000

Chaparral said:


> I disagree, she does think it's wrong. Otherwise she would haven lying through her teeth about the trip for so long and is now putting the blame on him. I would be shocked at this point if she doesn't already have a meet up planned.
> 
> She knows her and her husband had this on their wish list. She knows exactly how she would feel if he pulled this stunt on her. This isn't a rabbit hole, it's Mammoth Cave.


You're probably right. If she does know what she is doing is wrong though, she'll never acknowledge it and still call her husband "controlling".


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

Steve1000 said:


> You're probably right. If she does know what she is doing is wrong though, she'll never acknowledge it and still call her husband "controlling".


That's why we need to help this guy do it right from here on. He's gonna' see her today (maybe). He can't make any more mistakes. I'm still going with play it cool. Let her get comfortable and slip up. Spy after the fact. Social media. VAR's. He needs to out her with evidence, not (perceived) paranoia. 

And think about calling her ex. I'm guessing that will be an education. And he may be able to fill you in on some of her old hot spots. Her old habits.


----------



## manwithnoname

TheRealMcCoy said:


> That's why we need to help this guy do it right from here on. He's gonna' see her today (maybe). He can't make any more mistakes. I'm still going with play it cool. Let her get comfortable and slip up. Spy after the fact. Social media. VAR's. He needs to out her with evidence, not (perceived) paranoia.
> 
> And think about calling her ex. I'm guessing that will be an education. And he may be able to fill you in on some of her old hot spots. Her old habits.


Her massive disrespectfulness was enough to prove she's not wife material. He doesn't need more than that.


----------



## TheRealMcCoy

manwithnoname said:


> Her massive disrespectfulness was enough to prove she's not wife material. He doesn't need more than that.


Right. And he's sold. He's on board. HE'S not the one that needs to be sold now. Currently, he is a ***** who couldn't handle his wife having a little girls weekend. 

He needs some cell video of her grinding her ass into some guy's crotch a the local Holiday Inn bar. He needs VAR recordings of her bragging about her weekend to friends. He needs screen shots of social media of them partying in NO. (They're out there. Trust me.) He needs to talk to people that know about he partying past. (And sorry to presume she has one. That's why you need to fill us in. Is this a one time bucket list kind of thing or a highlight in a pattern that will continue throughout your marriage?) 

And if he plays it cool, she'll feel free to do it again. Locally. He can get evidence then. Heck, he may find out by talking to people that everyone knows what a fun gal she is and will EASILY believe him over her. All of his friends hare probably shaking their heads as we speak. Like we are.

Help me spitball here guys. He's about to walk straight into it. He needs help.


----------



## Taxman

No, he will be back here in 6 months to a year, crying and wringing his hands because she has either left him for someone else, is deep within an affair but knows that he'll do nothing or best yet, she'll show up pregnant and demand that he raises it while she goes away on vacation with another guy.

Sir, If I were you, on the day that she returns from New Orleans, she sees your bags packed, except you are going on vacation, and you do not know when you will be back. 

Like I said, I would have grabbed the first plane down there and would be camped out in the lobby or in front of her room. She comes out alone, then fine. She comes out with another guy and both of them find the business end of my Louisville slugger, and the inside of an ER. Funny enough, up until the mid 1970's a man could legally kill his wife and her lover if he caught them in "flagrante delicto" in the state of Louisiana.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

He doesn't need to be super spy and start checking everything under the sun IMO. I do not care about is she or is she not cheating. It is a 6 month marriage with previous bad behavior punishment on the OP. Her ex acted a fool, not OP, but she sure as heck is punishing Op for her ex's acts. 

She said he was controlling, but she left him behind on HER BUCKET LIST trip. 
She said he was controlling, but he turned down a similar trip with his friend because the destination was on HER BUCKET LIST.
She said he was controlling, but she lied and gave him excuses why she couldn't go, WITHOUT THE KIDS, on HER BUCKET LIST TRIP.
She said he was controlling, but she gave him the bare minimum of travel information. 
She said he was controlling, but didn't want to go on a family vacation. 
She said he was controlling, but she said no time, money or nanny and still made the trip. 
She said he was controlling, but she promptly waits HOURS to respond back when he doesn't answer her text in a quick enough fashion.

I see a ton of controlling behavior and manipulative tactics going on, but it isn't coming from the OP.

Heck, I can actually believe she isn't cheating. This is a woman who, until it is proven differently, was in a controlling relationship. Her current actions wouldn't bother me except, SHE CHOSE TO GET MARRIED. 6 months in and she has already trotted out the "I will not be controlled" when it is all about respect to give your spouse your trip information. Oh and lying is a big factor as well.
Lying is a choice and it isn't a necessary part of being independent.


----------



## SunCMars

Thomas Quinn said:


> Tu sabes troll


Ne' meedue nam?


----------



## 225985

.


----------



## Thomas Quinn

blueinbr said:


> Germanchip
> 
> 
> 
> Ignore all the keyboard Rambos. You did want you could under the circumstances.
> 
> 
> 
> First, it is ridiculous to say that you "allowed" your wife to go to New Orleans. You could not stop her unless you want to land in jail. You can of course enact consequences up to and including divorce on her return.
> 
> 
> 
> Second, it a ludicrous to suggest you find sitters for the kids, spend $1000 for a same day plane ticket and fly 1000 miles to confront or catch your wife cheating. If you need to do that your marriage is already gone. So why bother? Your wife was staying at hotel with hundreds of rooms. The elevators are not near the front desk. The others think you can just ask to doorman to "remember" your wife and who she entered the hotel with. (Someone could have walked in 10 feet behind her or joined her later.) You are not even a paying guest or a frequent guest so you are unlikely to be told anything, not even what room your wife is staying in. This is for her protection. And even if the doorman does tell you something, can you believe him? What if he confusing your wife with someone else? Do you want to divorce over that? And sitting in the hotel for hours waiting for her would get you kicked out or arrested. Basically, if you confronted her in N.O. she would leave you, probably rightfully so.
> 
> 
> 
> If you have had enough and want to separate or divorce, do so now. If you want to work on your marriage, I suggest you find out why your wife wanted this trip so much. Is it possible she is burned out on the blended family? She basically has her kids nearly all the time, plus add to that she has your kids half the time. Does she resent that you are "kid free" half the time while she never gets a break? (Every other weekend might not be enough). Is she 'mom" all the time while you are "dad" only half the time?
> 
> 
> 
> Finally, do you trust her friend? Is she a friend of the marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> A lot of the guys here talk big. They want to get back at their exes by taking it out on your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Let us know what happens on her return.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

We want you to grow and heal and yes she is abusing you but you are allowing it.
Please stop the cycle for your kids sake. Peace brother. :frown2:


----------



## Sparta

Germanchip I get it everybody here is freaking out... I just want to hear what her excuse was for not texting you or calling you back and what kind of bullsh!t she's going to try to sell you. Please at least up date Us...???


----------



## emmasmith

I'd suggest having a serious discussion with her about what you both expect now that you are married.


----------



## wmn1

blueinbr said:


> Germanchip
> 
> 
> 
> Ignore all the keyboard Rambos. You did want you could under the circumstances.
> 
> 
> 
> First, it is ridiculous to say that you "allowed" your wife to go to New Orleans. You could not stop her unless you want to land in jail. You can of course enact consequences up to and including divorce on her return.
> 
> 
> 
> Second, it a ludicrous to suggest you find sitters for the kids, spend $1000 for a same day plane ticket and fly 1000 miles to confront or catch your wife cheating. If you need to do that your marriage is already gone. So why bother? Your wife was staying at hotel with hundreds of rooms. The elevators are not near the front desk. The others think you can just ask to doorman to "remember" your wife and who she entered the hotel with. (Someone could have walked in 10 feet behind her or joined her later.) You are not even a paying guest or a frequent guest so you are unlikely to be told anything, not even what room your wife is staying in. This is for her protection. And even if the doorman does tell you something, can you believe him? What if he confusing your wife with someone else? Do you want to divorce over that? And sitting in the hotel for hours waiting for her would get you kicked out or arrested. Basically, if you confronted her in N.O. she would leave you, probably rightfully so.
> 
> 
> 
> If you have had enough and want to separate or divorce, do so now. If you want to work on your marriage, I suggest you find out why your wife wanted this trip so much. Is it possible she is burned out on the blended family? She basically has her kids nearly all the time, plus add to that she has your kids half the time. Does she resent that you are "kid free" half the time while she never gets a break? (Every other weekend might not be enough). Is she 'mom" all the time while you are "dad" only half the time?
> 
> 
> 
> Finally, do you trust her friend? Is she a friend of the marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> A lot of the guys here talk big. They want to get back at their exes by taking it out on your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Let us know what happens on her return.




I don't see anyone here trying to get back at their exs by taking it out on Germanchip's wife. How you come up with that is clearly beyond me. Like how would that be done anyway ?

Without criticizing anyone on this board, including you, I will just stick to my assessment that his wife's actions are reprehensible and he needs to evaluate those actions compared to the person he thought he married and to figure out if the two line up. I already believe that they don't. He needs to assess his risk of loss if he pulls the plug or the risk of loss if he continues to stay in an abusive relationship.

What I see here are a bunch of people trying to get him to get out of a seriously challenging situation by taking a look at who this guy married. It's an opinion/advice board from those who have been there before 

I do agree with a few points you made above, however


----------



## The Middleman

@germanchip1
Please let us know how things are working out.


----------



## hylton7

hope things work out well for you good luck.


----------

