# Hey &#x1f44b;&#x1f3fb;



## Umira (Feb 12, 2020)

Hi folks, I'm looking forward to receiving advice here and learning things. I have one failed marriage behind me and a string of abusive relationships. I seem to attract the charming but narcissistic types, which I think is the situation I am in now. I have been really very happy in my current relationship but now I found something out which will rock the boat.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi, welcome to TAM!

What have you just found out?


----------



## Umira (Feb 12, 2020)

Thank you! 

Well I basically realized that my bf has lied to me about his 'friend'. I'll try and paint a picture for you as best I can. She is supposedly one of his best friends. She and I also became friends although I didn't get along greatly with her but she would often call / text me and I felt obligated to go out with her a handful of times. This is until she and I had a spat, yeah it didn't take long as I couldnt really tolerate her some of her behaviour and I could see this becoming a toxic friendship. 

I could see right through her toxicity and tried to explain it to him. He realised eventually and agreed that she is bad news and distanced himself from her. At present from what I can see in his phone, they seldom have any contact and it's been a long time since they met up. 

At present she is pretty irrelevant in our lives and the bf and I are very happy. Or so I thought.

I came across something in my phone, which was still there from when it was bf's phone. (He gave it to me when my phone broke). What I saw is his previous location timeline on Google maps. I was not prying I thought it was my location history and was trying to disable this feature. I then saw that there was hotel check in to which I have never been and it then dawned on me that this is his history as it is still logged in his email address. 

The location timeline tells me that they spent a couple of nights together, once at her house and another at a hotel... but these dates were before he met me. I know it was her, as before and after the hotel stay the check ins are at the usual spots that they frequent together. He has maintained that they have always had a platonic relationship and told me they only really go out for meals together. The night they spent at a hotel was the new years eve a few weeks before he and I met and I remember at the time telling him what I had done for NYE and I asked him if he had done anything fun for NYE to which he said no he stayed at home. 

As it stands I feel if I had known this information before, things would have been different. There would be no friend., it would be either me or her in his life. They have both made an absolute fool of me. Masquerading as the best of friends and deceiving me right under my nose. 

My emotions keep going between furious and just downright disappointed. But trying to keep calm so I can confront him with a cool head. I wonder now what else has been happening under my nose. Why would someone pursue you and want a relationship with you with their **** buddy in tow? And why would she try and get close to me and act like she wants to be my best buddy. What is with this behaviour?? People honestly baffle me sometimes.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you do not confront S until you have more info. If you confront him now, he will tell you that it's nothing no matter what was going on. And, if they are still carrying on, they will just take it even more underground. 

Instead, it would be wise to just gather more info and watch for a bit longer. You need enough evidence so that even if he denies that something is still going on, your know for sure if it is or not.

Do you and he live together now?

How long have you been dating him?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might genuinely like you. But if she is having sex with your boyfriend, then who cares about that?

It's all on him, not you, not her.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It was before you met, but her wanting to be BFF type is she remains close to possibly devalue you in you bf eyes. But he is just a bf and telling him that you two are exclusive and that you expect his full attention.

If he says it controlling then it's different because he wants to keep her close kinda like monkey branching, to keep all of his options open. Then you will have a better understanding of exactly where you stand in your relationship.


----------



## Umira (Feb 12, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> My suggestion is that you do not confront S until you have more info. If you confront him now, he will tell you that it's nothing no matter what was going on. And, if they are still carrying on, they will just take it even more underground.
> 
> Instead, it would be wise to just gather more info and watch for a bit longer. You need enough evidence so that even if he denies that something is still going on, your know for sure if it is or not.
> 
> ...


We have been together just over a year now. We don't live together at the moment, but I am renovating my flat as we speak. We had planned to move in there sometime this year.

I have not confronted him yet, you are right he could just deny it or twist it to make it seem like nothing. Though I am not sure how I could gather more evidence. From what I am seeing it seems it is all in the past. Nothing to suggest that anything is still going on... as of yet.


----------



## Umira (Feb 12, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> It was before you met, but her wanting to be BFF type is she remains close to possibly devalue you in you bf eyes. But he is just a bf and telling him that you two are exclusive and that you expect his full attention.
> 
> If he says it controlling then it's different because he wants to keep her close kinda like monkey branching, to keep all of his options open. Then you will have a better understanding of exactly where you stand in your relationship.


That would be one explanation, he kept her around as a back up plan/keeping his options open. The only acceptable outcome for me - granted he hasn't been cheating on me and they had a tryst before he and I met - is him going no contact with her.


----------

