# Marital Resentment



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I was thinking about something Mark Twain mentioned a while back about how resentment in marriage ruins things in a marriage, sex, etc.

I started making a list of what I resent about my dh last night, while sorting through my "whys" of why I want separation. 

Over 24 years of marriage I have enough resentment built up to launch WW III. It isn't healthy and too much to just "shove" under the rug. Kinda like trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. A few things between dh and self is one thing, this many is just poison! And MAJOR ones, well, there is no way to get some of the lovin' feeling back, you know?


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

I know how you feel. Last night I tried (unsuccessfully of course) to explain to my fiancée that though she may successfully dismiss my feelings, ignore my points and beat me into submission with arguments and avoidance until I give up exhausted, she's winning the battle, but ultimately losing the war.

Never being allowed to state your concerns and have them addressed is simply going to build resentment. The fact that she doesn't see that either makes me resent her more.  Oh well...


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I resent the fact he is a S-L-O-W learner. 

How can a man who hurtles Boeing 777s through the air be so dense when it comes to giving. Giving: the act of self sacrifice. 

The only self sacrifice he thinks I need is is paycheck. 

I can only buy so many pairs of shoes, I am not a shoe person, I am not a clothes person, I am not a big house person.

I am a be friends with me and we can and will happily live in a chicken coop person


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> I resent the fact he is a S-L-O-W learner.
> 
> How can a man who hurtles Boeing 777s through the air be so dense when it comes to giving. Giving: the act of self sacrifice.


My H is also a really smart guy, but a very slow learner. but you know I could actually see that a different way. i could see myself as the slow learner because, after all, i am the one that sticks around. but anyway, i read a book called Emotional Intelligence and it was a good read. it talks about the differences in IQ and EQ.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Yes. Maybe it is I, too, who am the "slow" learner! 

But I think not, as I know I am a giver and giver. I am a hopeless hoper.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

From my experiences, once resentment sets into any relationship, even a friendship... you just can't go back to the way things were because in most cases trust has been lost.
It sounds like one of those things sandy, where he may not be slow, just not that into you. 
I feel it would be better to walk away from a relationship where there has been resentment building up for a long time, than stay.
Hope things work out for you when you move out ( won't be long now).


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy -- no great insight here, just commenting, rambling.  

I agree, once the resentment starts, and the SO doesn't do anything towards resolving it, the only choice left is to get away from it (i.e. get out, leave). The trick is recognizing it. For the younger set, it's a "new" thing so they stick around longer than the "older" set would (due to experience). 

I'm not knocking 24 years by any means (that's 4 more years then my wife & I managed), but it takes both people to make it work. If one won't (for whatever reason), then it's done. Over. 

Why won't people work on their marriages?!? If you felt strongly enough to propose (and marry), why does that feeling stop after the paperwork? If you wanted this person as your partner, why won't you work to maintain it? Is it a sense of accomplishment? A feeling of "I won"? That "I got her/him", all else need not apply? 

You dated and made the effort for the relationship. Why does that stop? While married, I shaved every day! Why? Because I always wanted to look good for her. Once in a blue moon, I wouldn't over the weekend, but even then I would still want to do so. 

i would always want to be "attractive" to my SO. Taking that extra little effort (e.g. to shave). I would always try to be affectionate, demonstrative. Why do people quit this? 

From a LOT of what I've read on here...I don't think I'd ever want to get married again. Keep any relationship just that. Go out to dinner, a movie, have some private fun. Once that paper is signed...it's over. 

It's a sad conclusion, but seems to fit so many here. And I seriously wonder about the rest of the world. What are they "putting up" with...and why? 

IDK, maybe I'm just being too cynical...or drinking too much.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

dcrim said:


> From a LOT of what I've read on here...I don't think I'd ever want to get married again.


I had no plans to marry... I was single a long time and make good money, never had problems finding men or dates. But then THE RIGHT PERSON CAME INTO MY LIFE. This is the key...
to know yourself well and be able to know the right person when they come around. Granted he isn't perfect but no games and he is a good man. Our issues are actually minor compared to most married people.
I believe people should not marry before they are 40... 
which would help them be better partners as well as pick the right partners for themselves.

Never say never, thats what I did and I ended up married. I guess its always good to leave a crack in the door as you never know what the future holds and who may come into your life.


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