# Is my husband gay/bi??



## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

Hi, 

last week I was using my husbands laptop when I stumbled across his internet history ( genuinely stumbled - I wasn't snooping!!). I noticed that he had been looking at porn. No big deal as I know he uses porn. I don't mind as long as he is discrete and doesn't do it in front of me as it's not my thing. 

the issue is that it was very clear that he has been looking at GAY porn - videos of men having sex with each other. This shocked me as we have been together for over 10 years and I have never had any inkling that he was into this sort of thing.

I confronted him when he arrived home from work. He was upset and embarrassed by admitted that he had viewed it. It turns out that it is something he looks at from time to time. He can't explain why but he said that he looked at it for the first time many years ago and found it arousing. 

He promises me that he has never cheated or actually been with a guy and I do believe him. We have a happy marriage and a normal sex life, in fact, he is usually the one to initiate sex and clearly enjoys our sex life a great deal. 

I have no issue with porn in general, nor am I homophobic in any way shape or form, I am just a bit bewildered that my husband would like this sort of thing. 

He is constantly reassuring me that he loves me and that he would hate out marriage to be affected. I love him lots too and don't want to leave but I am just so confused. 

I have looked on Google ( bad idea, I know!) and there is so much conflicting advice and opinion regarding straight men who view gay porn. 

Is he gay/bi and will he eventually leave me or is the porn just something that he enjoys regardless of his sexual orientation. Please can you help me to get some clarity on this so that I can decide what my next steps should be.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband is heterosexual with bi-sexual tendencies. Make it clear to him that experimentation with these sexual acts is not acceptable to you. He needs to stop viewing porn period. If you play with fire, you are going to get burnt.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Frankly, its no big deal. I'm hetero and enjoy lesbian porn from time to time. I enjoy other non vanilla porn too, but that doesn't mean I am what the porn portrays. It doesn't mean I want to act it out IRL.It turns me on but it doesnt define me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
what people like in fantasy and reality can be very different. If you are OK with porn in general then I don't see any problem.


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

I know that fantasy and reality are different. I just feel so confused over it all. Surely your average straight guy would not find this stuff arousing?


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Frankly, its no big deal. I'm hetero and enjoy lesbian porn from time to time. I enjoy other non vanilla porn too, but that doesn't mean I am what the porn portrays. It doesn't mean I want to act it out IRL.It turns me on but it doesnt define me.


I know it's double standards but I can't help but think that it's different for women


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I can imagine he is totally embarrassed. Is this diminishing your sex life in any way?


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

No straight man watches gay porn for the hell of it. You need to look more into it and watch his mannerisms. I'm leaning towards gay with the intention of trying it out sometime in the future. He says he watches it from time to time. Well depending on how long that time to time is, he's gearing up to have a little rendevouz with one of his "buddies." Don't let this just slide by. Major red flags for the future if he keeps watching it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

delta123 said:


> Is he gay/bi and will he eventually leave me


You can always test this theory by buying a nice big dildo/strap-on, jar of KY and surprise him in the bedroom one evening... if he lets you slide it up the exit, you have your answer.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yes .... I didn't even read the OP, but if you need to ask that question you already know the answer ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> You can always test this theory by buying a nice big dildo/strap-on, jar of KY and surprise him in the bedroom one evening... if he lets you slide it up the exit, you have your answer.


This is helpful. Like a trap door in a canoe. :scratchhead:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You said you have "a normal sex life". What is normal? Compared to what? The reason I ask is that if his drive calls for sex 3 times a week and you like it a couple times a month, there's a huge disconnect there.

So, he turns to porn to help him get off. But after a while vanilla porn doesn't work, so he turns to more kinky or taboo porn.

Now that doesn't mean he's not bisexual though since he does watch it he could seriously be leaning that way.

If you want to talk to him again, don't ask yes or no questions. Don't ask "Are you bi?" Instead ask "How long do you think you've been bi?" and see where it leads.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
by my definition:
Straight: doing sexual things with someone of the opposite sex.

Gay: doing sexual things with someone of the same sex. 

By my standards, a straight guy might well enjoy his wife using a strap-on on him. 

What is it with people thinking receptive anal is gay? Oral sex is probably even more common among gays, but that isn't viewed as gay.

and FWIW -I don't like apply any labels that people don't want to apply to themselves. 




Constable Odo said:


> You can always test this theory by buying a nice big dildo/strap-on, jar of KY and surprise him in the bedroom one evening... if he lets you slide it up the exit, you have your answer.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
one more comment - if he is bi, that gives him no more reason to or likelihood of cheating than if he is straight. 

Being Bi doesn't mean that you have no sexual self control.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

delta123 said:


> I know it's double standards but I can't help but think that it's different for women


I'm hoping you'll elaborate on this thought.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm curious what his age may be. I have noticed this thing that happens, similar to a midlife crisis, where men who were "in the closet" as they approach 40 decide they no longer want to be. I would watch his behavior closely for your own safety. If he is hiding a large part of his sexuality from you it is likely that it isn't just porn but also experimentation and that could be going on for years. 

Not to say all this is going on. I guess it's possible he just has an interest but you really should be monitoring this situation.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Tubbalard said:


> No straight man watches gay porn for the hell of it. You need to look more into it and watch his mannerisms. I'm leaning towards gay with the intention of trying it out sometime in the future. He says he watches it from time to time. Well depending on how long that time to time is, he's gearing up to have a little rendevouz with one of his "buddies." Don't let this just slide by. Major red flags for the future if he keeps watching it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good god, your know it all, judgmental post is a major red flag.

FWIW, I'm a straight guy who doesn't watch gay porn. Sexuality is a spectrum. So the guy watches gay porn, big deal. Is he out screwing other dudes? If not, so what.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm hoping  you'll elaborate on this thought.


There's nothing to elaborate on. It's a dumb double standard.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't know if there is a double standard among men an women. I get the impression (no data!) that men are a lot more comfortable with women being bisexual than men. I've always assumed that that was because straight men frequently find the idea of two women together to be very erotic, while the image of two men kissing is strangely disturbing to many men.

Do most women react the same way, or do they find two men kissing to be erotic, but two women kissing to be less so. 


It doesn't really matter here anyway. Having bisexual fantasies does not mean a man has any interest in acting on them.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

hawkeye said:


> There's nothing to elaborate on. It's a dumb double standard.


It is and she states it as such but I'm thinking that a little reflection on it may be helpful. Sometimes the intellect can calm the emotion if we make the effort ie Is it just that she sees bi women as "OK" and bi men as not "OK"? Is it that she's concerned that men are more likely to act on their urges then women are? Are there any data that supports these or other concerns. Is her reaction more about fear? Is she judging from what she finds erotic? Down the rabbit hole we go....


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

hawkeye said:


> Good god, your know it all, judgmental post is a major red flag.
> 
> FWIW, I'm a straight guy who doesn't watch gay porn. Sexuality is a spectrum. So the guy watches gay porn, big deal. Is he out screwing other dudes? If not, so what.



Seems like its a big deal to her. It would also be a big deal to most women if they found out their man was watching gay porn. We don't know if he's out screwing dudes...yet, but I'm essentially telling her to look deeply into and not turn a blind eye. Who are you to say that it's no big deal? The very fact that a man has been watching gay porn can crush a woman's soul. If many women are hurt by their partners watching porn what makes gay porn different?

I would advise her to do her investigative work. Possibly create a bait situation and see if he bites. I'm not trying to be a know it all or judgemental. I apologize if I ruffled your feathers. Forgive me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I guess it depends on having him be a bit bi threatening. 

I mean, I guess if you unpack it, what you're really worried about is that he is gay and will leave you to go be gay (because you're not a guy.) Or that he will take these tendancies far enough to experiment with another guy.

Right?

If you're not worried about that, then let him own his sexuality honestly and don't fuss it. People's kinks are their own thing you know, and he shouldn't be shamed for that.

If you are worried about that, then what you really have is a trust issue. Which is a different thing.

And that's all assuming you as you have said are OK with your husband watching porn.


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> I can imagine he is totally embarrassed. Is this diminishing your sex life in any way?


No, not at all. Our sex life is good and always has been. I can't say that there is anything not right about our marriage despite what I have discovered!


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> I'm curious what his age may be. I have noticed this thing that happens, similar to a midlife crisis, where men who were "in the closet" as they approach 40 decide they no longer want to be. I would watch his behavior closely for your own safety. If he is hiding a large part of his sexuality from you it is likely that it isn't just porn but also experimentation and that could be going on for years.
> 
> Not to say all this is going on. I guess it's possible he just has an interest but you really should be monitoring this situation.


He is 36. I don't think for a minute that he has cheated. I don't live porn personally BUT I accept that he watches it discretely and away from me. I guess that he couldn't have come to discuss the gay stuff with me any more than he would discuss straight porn.

I would bet my life that he hasn''t cheated on me. I did ask him when I first found it and he was horrified at the question.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

My original reply:



Constable Odo said:


> You can always test this theory by buying a nice big dildo/strap-on, jar of KY and surprise him in the bedroom one evening... if he lets you slide it up the exit, you have your answer.


_
_


richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> by my definition:
> Straight: doing sexual things with someone of the opposite sex.
> 
> ...


Based upon this post, I wish to amend my original reply to read the following way:



Constable Odo said:


> You can always test this theory by buying a nice big dildo/strap-on, jar of KY, a Grocho Marx/Richard Gere (with optional gerbil) mask, and surprise him in the bedroom one evening... if he lets you slide it up the exit, you have your answer.


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> You said you have "a normal sex life". What is normal? Compared to what? The reason I ask is that if his drive calls for sex 3 times a week and you like it a couple times a month, there's a huge disconnect there.
> 
> So, he turns to porn to help him get off. But after a while vanilla porn doesn't work, so he turns to more kinky or taboo porn.
> 
> ...


We have sex regularly but yes, I would say that he has a slightly higher sex drive than me. This is why I don't mind him watching porn discretely.


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

Tubbalard said:


> No straight man watches gay porn for the hell of it. You need to look more into it and watch his mannerisms. I'm leaning towards gay with the intention of trying it out sometime in the future. He says he watches it from time to time. Well depending on how long that time to time is, he's gearing up to have a little rendevouz with one of his "buddies." Don't let this just slide by. Major red flags for the future if he keeps watching it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I honestly don't believe he will cheat. he was horrified when I suggested that to him. I don't doubt his love or commitment for me.


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

Constable Odo said:


> My original reply:
> 
> 
> _
> ...



Slightly crude!


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## delta123 (May 3, 2015)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm hoping you'll elaborate on this thought.


I don't know why but I always thought that being bi was more common in women. I don't know but it's just what I thought. I know it seems narrow minded.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

delta123 said:


> I honestly don't believe he will cheat. he was horrified when I suggested that to him. I don't doubt his love or commitment for me.


Then what's the problem?

What would you want his response to be if he found out you were watching girl on girl porn?

Do that.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

delta123 said:


> Constable Odo said:
> 
> 
> > My original reply:
> ...


I agree! Just because a guy takes it in the azz doesn't mean he's gay. come on.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I agree! *Just because a guy takes it in the azz doesn't mean he's gay*. come on.


Doesn't mean he straight.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Omar174 said:


> Doesn't mean he straight.


Touche. I just asked my BF this question and he admits it's a double standard. His answer was he's inclined to lean toward bi or gay.

I still stand by my original response, though;viewing that sort of porn doesn't make it so IRL.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Key word, it does not sit well with you. Marriage is two ppl. Yes two individuals joined as one..but c'mon we all know that if one or the other is displeased about something you have to listen to your partner or the "issue" will just be swept under the rug and resurface later.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Constable Odo said:


> You can always test this theory by buying a nice big dildo/strap-on, jar of KY and surprise him in the bedroom one evening... if he lets you slide it up the exit, you have your answer.


 Some strait men like anal, it doesn't make them automatically gay


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