# A Possible Haunting Past



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Hello, I am new to this site and this is my first post. I have a dilemma that has cropped up and I'm not really sure how to deal with it.

I have been happily married for just over 20 years. My wife and I have a great relationship, and we're the same age. Recently, the topic of the number of sex partners came up, and the old adage of men add to their total when asked, while women subtract. I always thought, based on past discussions, that we had pretty similar sexual experiences before we met, with me maybe having had just a small few more partners (1 or 2). Well, this time she agreed with that statement and kind of knowingly stated that that was the way it was. Only, I have never done that.

So, now I am faced with the prospect that my wife may have had considerably more sex partners than I prior to our meeting. So, now I'm stressed out and I can't sleep or think of anything else. And I'm not even sure if it's the prospective number that has me upset or the deceit by omission. Probably both. And, I know some people say the number doesn't matter. But, I disagree. It is information that could go towards making a decision on the viability of the future of a relationship. Now the question is to confront or not to confront. And, if so, how to do it without being a **** about it. Any thoughts?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If the number actually mattered then you would have asked before marrying her. It was ok then, but not now. So what has changed? You. It's pretty passive aggressive that you never asked the question, never demanded a specific number, but now after you're married you find out the number and want to punish her for it.


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

How is your sex life with her? *Has she ever hinted that she did things with exes that she can't do for you?* If so, you have a serious problem. If not, then don't worry about it.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm not sure I get how she decieved you by ommission. Your post is vague on that.

Speaking as a man who has had considerably less partners than my fiancee (I've had three, including her, while she'd had 15, including me), here's some advice.

Don't let it bother you. If you want to know the exact number from her (assuming you don't know it yet), then be prepared to hear it. If you're not prepared, don't ask.

I personally wasn't prepared when I asked, and yes, it really bothered me for a while. I felt inadequate, felt like I was doomed to fail as a lover, everything. I shouldn't have asked the question.

In time I get over it (and over myself I supposed as well) and came to terms with it. What helped is that I thought to myself that, firstly, she stuck with me out of all the lovers shes ever had, and secondly, there is more to sex than sex. It's what I bring outside of sex than actually makes me her best sexual partner. We are so close emotionally that it spills over into our lovemaking and as a result I know she enjoys sex with me more than with anyone else, ever. I might not be the best one-night, pound-you-through-the-mattress-make-you-wetter-than-a-fire-house-leave-you-wobbly-kneed-and-in-a-convulsed-heap-in-the-corner type of lover she's ever had, but overall, I am the king and I know it.

When you come to terms with the fact your wife has been with you for 20 years and that you have something so many other men (not saying your wife is a **** here, lol) don't have, that she loves you and enjoys being with you on a level that she never has had with any other man, and learn to let go of the fact she may have fudged her number, you'll be ok.

Btw, I agree that the number of partners can have an impact on partner selection (something which was discussed ad nauseum in another thread) but in your situation, maybe it was a blessing that you didn't find out, since clearly you've found an at least somewhat worthy partner considering you have been married 20 years in what you yourself deemed as a "great relationship."


----------



## losttexan75 (Dec 24, 2012)

You've been "happily married for just over 20 years", and you're going to worry about how much d*ck she got before you were together? Just be thankful she chose your d*ck to spend the rest of her life with.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

We did have that conversation, twice. And I got two different answers, but neither were outrageous that I couldn't deal with it. As I said, I believed we had had similar experiences. But, at that time, she never conceded to the 'women subtract' rule. When I asked again the other day she kind of blew it off, but mentioned that there was at least one she had forgotten about, including a name. This from the woman who said she'd never had a one night stand and always acts a bit naive. So now, instead of say 5-8 total, it could be 12-15 in a very short period of time when longer term relationships are factored in.

As for our sex life, it's good, not great. But it has gotten a bit better as the kids get older.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You said you had past discussions with your wife about number of partners, was that before marriage? What changed between then and now that you suddenly feel like your wife intentionally deceived you about her sexual past? You can't dwell on it if you were not bothered by her sexual past before marriage. Since you didn't want to know back then, it's a little unfair to go after her about it now. I see no sin of omission in this case. 

But now that you know, you may want to avoid some of those areas that used to be her hunting grounds before you met. For example, if she was a wild child sorority chick, don't attend any college reunions with her. If it was really that bad, you don't want to be seen as the guy that ended up with the town bike if you know what I mean.


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I might not be the best one-night, pound-you-through-the-mattress-make-you-wetter-than-a-fire-house-leave-you-wobbly-kneed-and-in-a-convulsed-heap-in-the-corner type of lover she's ever had, but overall, I am the king and I know it.


Really, you're OK with that?


----------



## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> But, I disagree. It is information that could go towards making a decision on the viability of the future of a relationship.


You have been happily married for 20 years and because she may have slept with more partners than you it is a major issue?

Sounds a little shallow to me, if you are in love with this woman and you knew she had been with other men, tell me why is the number of partners matter? 

How about the amount of times? Say she had 3 and you had 5 partners but she had sex with the 3 100 times each where you only had it a few times, would that matter??


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Kingsfan, you make excellent, valid, logical points. However, we all know men are not always logical when it comes to these things.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> We did have that conversation, twice. And I got two different answers, but neither were outrageous that I couldn't deal with it. As I said, I believed we had had similar experiences. But, at that time, she never conceded to the 'women subtract' rule. When I asked again the other day she kind of blew it off, but mentioned that there was at least one she had forgotten about, including a name. This from the woman who said she'd never had a one night stand and always acts a bit naive. So now, instead of say 5-8 total, it could be 12-15 in a very short period of time when longer term relationships are factored in.
> 
> As for our sex life, it's good, not great. But it has gotten a bit better as the kids get older.


And what's your number?


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

There is an ENORMOUS body of statistical evidence that says women with high numbers are almost certain to cheat/divorce.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> Kingsfan, you make excellent, valid, logical points. However, we all know men are not always logical when it comes to these things.


Correction, PEOPLE aren't always logical.

In anutshell what I was driving at with my post was that you should give yourself some time to settle down over this before doing anything. In time you may come to understand that it isn't a big deal. Maybe it is a big deal, but maybe it isn't and there's little point in bashing a two decade relationship if it's something down the road you won't really care about.


----------



## losttexan75 (Dec 24, 2012)

Also, as a guy, I don't know how keen I would be asking my wife to try to recall every guy she has been with in her past. Might bring back some memories you would prefer she had not remembered. Again, after 20 years, it shouldn't matter.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Zig said:


> There is an ENORMOUS body of statistical evidence that says women with high numbers are almost certain to cheat.


That may be true (I'm not saying it is), but one would think she wouldn't wait until 20 years have passed (and counting) if she was a likely cheater. Yes, it could happen, but at this point if she cheated, it'd likely be more to do with issues in the marriage than some unconcious craving for c0ck.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

And, believe me, I know how shallow this all sounds. That's why I have not gone at her demanding to know what's what. It is ultimately my issue. But, it gnaws at me knowing when I've asked in the past I have been lied to, by omission or otherwise.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> And, believe me, I know how shallow this all sounds. That's why I have not gone at her demanding to know what's what. It is ultimately my issue. But, it gnaws at me knowing when I've asked in the past I have been lied to, by omission or otherwise.


Say you go to her, demand to know the exact number, and she tells you. Even lists all of them by name, and gives you every piece of information you ask for, from age to **** size. What then? Will you be happy/satisfied?

I'll bet you won't be.

I don't talk about my fiancee's past much anymore, and if she tries to bring it up (sometimes it happens in conversation) I change the subject usually. I find all it does is fill my head with questions I don't likely want to know the answer to and plays with my emotions.


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

What's really interesting is that a woman's chances of a failed marriage increase linearly with the total number of partners. However, the only men who are significantly less likely to cheat are those who were virgins or had 1 or 2 partners before marriage. Once a man has had 3/4 and more partners, it doesn't matter if the total number is 5 or 500, they are equally likely to cheat. It makes sense because men with very low numbers obviously have trouble attracting women but once you can attract a few (5+) it really doesn't matter anymore. On the other hand, high numbers in women are unusual because it's very easy for a woman to get sex. Her evolutionary goal is to find a male who will stick around. High numbers don't fit in with what we should expect from evolutionary psychology.


----------



## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

What possible difference does it make at this point after 20 years? You feel she lied to you, maybe she did. Have you considered why? Maybe she felt ashamed or didnt want you to feel jealous......like your feeling now........ Or didnt want you to think badly of her..... You see if a woman does it shes a ho, if a man does it hes a stud.....

So, if your 20 year marriage is solid and sound, why are you bringing this up at this point? 

Why did you question her about it after all this time?

Do you have suspicions? 

Are you being insecure and projecting this onto her?

Are you having a midlife crisis and feeling like you mossed out on having some adventures?

Some of my questions may seem a bit out there, but i think they are valid.

I am just trying to understand why this is an issue after all these years....... Maybe you felt she was lying to you at the time and have spent 20 years trying to get her to tell the truth??? In the end, does it really matter???

Just trying to inderstand where your head is right now. 

And yeah, i have a lot of typos, sorry about that. Im not ipad friendly


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

I kind of feel for the OP. In these situations many post that if he was OK with her number before marrying her, he should drop it. However, women will often post that they would never marry a man if he couldn't deal with her past (while also saying in the same post that they would never tell their husbands their actual numbers).

If you don't want an insecure man ladies, then why don't you tell him your real number and see how he reacts?


----------



## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Zig said:


> What's really interesting is that a woman's chances of a failed marriage increase linearly with the total number of partners. However, the only men who are significantly less likely to cheat are those who were virgins or had 1 or 2 partners before marriage. Once a man has had 3/4 and more partners, it doesn't matter if the total number is 5 or 500, they are equally likely to cheat. It makes sense because men with very low numbers obviously have trouble attracting women but once you can attract a few (5+) it really doesn't matter anymore. On the other hand, high numbers in women are unusual because it's very easy for a woman to get sex. Her evolutionary goal is to find a male who will stick around. High numbers don't fit in with what we should expect from evolutionary psychology.








Sorry, maybe im the anomaly here, but i had a LOT of partners before my marriage, and my H had only ONE. And he is the one who cheated...... I think he felt he missed out on something.


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> Sorry, maybe im the anomaly here, but i had a LOT of partners before my marriage, and my H had only ONE. And he is the one who cheated...... I think he felt he missed out on something.


I'm terribly sorry. But, your husband was obviously an anomaly.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

It's kind of funny how it came up. My 21 year old son has my wife's old bed and his new girlfriend was coming to see him. We started kidding around about how much action that bed has seen. Normally, in the past she would just give a 'yeah right' response and I'd be fine with it. On this day, it was different. She mentioned the double standard and then agreed with the 'female subtraction' theory. We always kid around about sex, and everything. But, on this day it was different. Almost like she was making a point. It blew me away.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You've been happily married for 20 years. 

Why is it an issue now?

How old is your wife - what percentage of her life has been with you?

Do you have any reason to suspect she is being unfaithful?

I think the most important thing is that you've had 20 happy years and probably more to come. Of course, if you make a big issue about what she did before she met you, then there might be problems. OR, if she is unsatisfied and is comparing you to her long-ago boyfriends, THAT could be a problem. 

I think it's difficult for some spouses to talk about relationships that happened before they met you. If they're faithful and loving to you, why should this be an issue after 20 years? I don't get it...


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> It's kind of funny how it came up. My 21 year old son has my wife's old bed and his new girlfriend was coming to see him. We started kidding around about how much action that bed has seen. Normally, in the past she would just give a 'yeah right' response and I'd be fine with it. On this day, it was different. She mentioned the double standard and then agreed with the 'female subtraction' theory. We always kid around about sex, and everything. But, on this day it was different. Almost like she was making a point. It blew me away.


Then don't you think it'd be a better question to ask what point she was trying to make?


----------



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Mattress companies say beds are only good for around 8 years. Mine just reached that point, but I think it still has a good 30% life left. Seems to me, your wife's old bed should be about ready for some homeless sap, not your son.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Some spouses are shy about describing in detail and numbers their previous relationships. I know I was. My wife was a virgin when we married whereas I had had 4 previous "relationships" (we're talking about dating in High School and University - how serious could they be??).

When she asked (a few times during the marriage) what they were like - How do you answer that? I would just say that it was a long-time ago, I don't really remember and I love YOU. Which was the truth. But I think it bothered my wife that I had been with other women and she had only been with me. In hindsight: When she had her MLC - I think she wanted to see what she was missing. She was afraid of growing old and wanted to live out some of the things she thought she was missing. So SHE cheated.

So Thunder7 - you can look at it a couple of ways. You can stress that she had more partners than you thought BEFORE she met you. OR you could secure that she has been faithful, loving and happy ever since she met you.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Zig said:


> I kind of feel for the OP. In these situations many post that if he was OK with her number before marrying her, he should drop it. However, women will often post that they would never marry a man if he couldn't deal with her past (while also saying in the same post that they would never tell their husbands their actual numbers).
> 
> If you don't want an insecure man ladies, then why don't you tell him your real number and see how he reacts?


I am one who told her husband the actual number. I have had 3, including my husband. Both of my other two were one time only, each, and before I turned 20. No, they weren't ONS, they were my boyfriends at the time. Anyway, my husband was a virgin, I was not. I never hid my number from him. And he is not, nor has he ever been, insecure about it.

And I am one who agrees that if he has been happily married for 20 years, WHY does the number matter NOW? It is equally possible that OP's wife may be saying NOW that women IN GENERAL do this, not that SHE has done it. I would agree that women in general do it. But I also freely admit that I am not like that. I told my husband the truth. I have nothing to hide from him. Perhaps Mrs.Thunder7 is the same way.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm new here, too. Been married 37 years. You're human. So is she. Keep that in mind and try not to let the past rob the future.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

How old are you?. 25? You have been married for 20+ years and you are concerned about the guys you beat out for the prize! 

Grow up! Sounds like you really need to see someone about your fragile ego. How do you know she wasn't agreeing with the subtraction rule just for kicks or as a backhand bit of advice to the kids?

I'm serious. This is about as silly a cocern as I have heard. There are people here whose relationships are falling apart, who haven't had sex in more than a year, and you are worried about your wife's activities from before you even knew her.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What difference does it make? So she's gone from 8 to 15? Why should that matter? 

Let me put it this way. I had a one night experience with a friend in college. He told me later he'd had sex with 20 women. And I realized his number was so high because he was bad in bed. No one wanted to go a second time. Seriously, it was that bad. 
It was 20 years ago! Before she knew you! She chose you. 
As a woman one night stands and brief experiences aren't anywhere near as satisfying as being with someone you love. if she forgot about a guy or two there's probably a good reason:they weren't memorable. 
And seriously after twenty years she probably doesn't remember much about those guys. I was with my ex husband for 14 years and it's been five years since we had sex and I barely remember anything about it. My first boyfriend over 20 years ago...a distant vague memory. 
I can honestly say I don't think about the people I've been with now. She most likely doesn't either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Let it go. It aint worth it if it was before. Especially not after 20 years!


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I just typically assume that whatever number a woman gives you (assuming she's at least had some experiences), to double it. Same could be said of men (though we tend to brag more). Hasn't been shown to be too far off the mark to me. Throw in a couple ONS (which few women will admit to), and other "short duration" relationships, and it's not hard to get the number up there. Women are led to believe that only s1uts and "loose women" act like that, and if they're found out, they're less than good marrying material. It's all bullchit. I will look hard and long at any woman who has admitted to cheating, but one that, as a single woman, goes out and has a ONS or two (or more)? I could care less. I've done it, and it has no bearing on my worthiness as a trusting partner. I don't see it any different for women. 

It's just sex. If her number is higher, well then, she's had more experience and knows a good number of guys are lame in bed. Less incentive to wonder "what she missed" when she knows from experience she isn't missing much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

donny64 said:


> I just typically assume that whatever number a woman gives you (assuming she's at least had some experiences), to double it. Same could be said of men (though we tend to brag more). Hasn't been shown to be too far off the mark to me. Throw in a couple ONS (which few women will admit to), and other "short duration" relationships, and it's not hard to get the number up there. Women are led to believe that only s1uts and "loose women" act like that, and if they're found out, they're less than good marrying material. It's all bullchit. I will look hard and long at any woman who has admitted to cheating, but one that, as a single woman, goes out and has a ONS or two (or more)? I could care less. I've done it, and it has no bearing on my worthiness as a trusting partner. I don't see it any different for women.
> 
> It's just sex. If her number is higher, well then, she's had more experience and knows a good number of guys are lame in bed. Less incentive to wonder "what she missed" when she knows from experience she isn't missing much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. Not sure that really helps.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Dude.

Let it go. Have your conniption in private, keep your trap shut, and you'll get over it. 

Or would you rather have the mother of all fights in a successful 20 year marriage over your petty male insecurity? You know it's stupid and everyone here is telling you it's stupid. When everyone within earshot agrees, you should listen.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Dude.
> 
> Let it go. Have your conniption in private, keep your trap shut, and you'll get over it.
> 
> Or would you rather have the mother of all fights in a successful 20 year marriage over your petty male insecurity? You know it's stupid and everyone here is telling you it's stupid. When everyone within earshot agrees, you should listen.


You are correct. Precisely why I have not done or said anything. I'll either get over it or it will come up in natural, mutual conversation again. Sometimes we talk very freely about sex. Other times it's a bit forced. But graphically described reasons why it's stupid don't help. Just makes the mind wander more. 

Actually, surprisingly, after thinking about sex all day (even if it was sex I am/was hoping didn't happen) all I wanted to do yesterday was get home from work and ravage her. Before I had the chance I got called back into work at 10pm. By the time I got home it was too late. Oh well. Always tonight.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> Thanks. Not sure that really helps.


Well, what I was trying to say...not so well via a mobile device....is this:

Why let it bother you? You know her better than anyone, obviously, since you've been married for so long. As she has apparently shown herself to be a devoted, faithful wife, why would previous history about the number of partners she had bother you? Do you feel like you were duped? Knowing what you know about her now and have learned for the past 20 years, would it make a difference then if you knew how you'd feel about her now before this disclosure?

Sex is JUST SEX. Assuming she's not been with a great number of men, was a serial cheater, or did so for money...any number of things that could indicate a lack of moral character....why does it matter? It doesn't change who she is now. 

There is a huge double standard when it comes to recreational sex, women, and men. It baffles me that men (not aimed at you) who will bed huge numbers of women are bothered by women who have had a lot of partners. I've known a couple of guys who would even go so far as to "test" women, and try to sleep with them on a first date. If she did so, she "failed" the test, and they never contacted them again. Yet they, apparently, found their own selves as worthy relationship material. :scratchhead:

I understand the angst about not knowing. I don't know my W's number. Never asked. But she has alluded to a ONS or two, a WMW threesome when she was young, and being a little more adventurous if you will in her younger days. Eh, maybe I think about it every now and again and wonder. Then I get over it, because she's amazing, and has been the most loving, faithful, and loyal woman I've ever been with. 

THAT I would rather have than someone who has been but with one or two guys, got married, and then spend the next years wondering what she missed, because she does not have the experience of knowing she didn't miss much. My W KNOWS she's not missing much, because she's "been there" (apparently). And I believe she feels that she's not missing out on anything by being with me, and only me. She has no doubts. She doesn't have to wonder what she "missed" because she knows. 

If I had to guess her number...I'd say maybe north of 15? Me? About the same. But we never really talked about it. What we have discussed is if either of us has ever cheated on anyone. That is of much more significance to us.

Maybe ask her about it. Tell her it's bothering you, but don't be judgmental when you get an answer you may not like. 

Some things may be better left unknown if it creates anxiety in you. Because at the end of the day, it matters not what she's done before you (especially given such a solid, proven, and long history together).

You said it yourself...



> It is information that could go towards making a decision on the viability of the future of a relationship.


After 20 years, hasn't that question already been answered?



> However, we all know men are not always logical when it comes to these things.


And that's why women lie about it. Be different. Be a better man than that. Understand what's at work here (human nature). Be LOGICAL about it. That's what I'm trying to get at.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> It's kind of funny how it came up. My 21 year old son has my wife's old bed and his new girlfriend was coming to see him. We started kidding around about how much action that bed has seen. Normally, in the past she would just give a 'yeah right' response and I'd be fine with it. On this day, it was different. She mentioned the double standard and then agreed with the 'female subtraction' theory. We always kid around about sex, and everything. But, on this day it was different. Almost like she was making a point. It blew me away.



Thundar, 
that was a shjt test (its a female fitness test for YOUR suitability as a mate) woman do it unconsciously,

And you are about to fail it, and ruin your relationship,

Be confident, show some dominance in bed and be glad she is YOUR wife.

Its not a big deal to her but your being all beta and insecure will be.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu are making such a big, life destroying mistake becuase you cannot control your own insecurity. It's sad really.

Who will you let your insecurity harm? Yourself? Your wife? Your kids? Your future Grandchildren?

You don't get to decide to take 20 years of someone's life, produce children, at which point you decide she either isn't good enough for you.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So many men fuss about having a cold fish for a wife. You ASSUMED she had a similar level of experience. And apparently she's been happy with you - sounds like however many she had sex with, she determined it's better with you.

It is NOT lying by omission when you are the one who assumes. You are going to destroy a perfectly good marriage over something stupid and minor. If she has been a good wife for 20 years, she was "marriage material" (per you) regardless of how many partners she has had.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Hicks said:


> YOu are making such a big, life destroying mistake becuase you cannot control your own insecurity. It's sad really.
> 
> Who will you let your insecurity harm? Yourself? Your wife? Your kids? Your future Grandchildren?
> 
> You don't get to decide to take 20 years of someone's life, produce children, at which point you decide she either isn't good enough for you.


Whoa! Slow down. No one is doing anything life altering. I admit it is my own insecurities and my own issue. But, I would never do anything to jeopardize, or throw away, 20+ years of marriage. In spite of all the crazy thoughts that have gone through my head in the last week I adore my wife and would never intentionally do anything to hurt what we have.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

What if some of your wife's previous partners had been females? Would you feel the same about those encounters, too? While that possibility might have been a stretch 20 years ago, I suspect it would be much more plausible these days.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

At the risk of sounding like a 'typical male', if any of my wife's previous partners were female, which I am certain they were not, I would be angry that she had never shared this information, in great detail. I know. Another double standard.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> At the risk of sounding like a 'typical male', if any of my wife's previous partners were female, which I am certain they were not, I would be angry that she had never shared this information, in great detail. I know. Another double standard.


Well, being a "typical male" myself, I can certainly relate to that. 

In fact, you have no idea.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Zig said:


> It makes sense because men with very low numbers obviously have trouble attracting women.


 and some (athough very rare) believe in waiting for Love & marriage... it doesn't mean they are all unattractive introverted Dogs who suck with women. 

Do not brush paint them all this way, you would be surprised.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Thunder7 said:


> Whoa! Slow down. No one is doing anything life altering. I admit it is my own insecurities and my own issue. But, I would never do anything to jeopardize, or throw away, 20+ years of marriage. In spite of all the crazy thoughts that have gone through my head in the last week I adore my wife and would never intentionally do anything to hurt what we have.


You reveal this level of insecurity to your wife, she will lose respect for you, she will stop feeling sexual to you, and thus the downward spiral starts.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Trust me when I say I have no intentions of doing or saying anything detrimental to my marriage. In spite of whatever insecurities I may have about certain things I am smart enough not to sabotage my own marriage.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You asked in your first post if you should confront her over this.... 

Look... In this day and age most people don't marry as virgins. 

Deep down all husbands wonder about these things.... His wife's sexual history. 

The question you should be asking is hoe do you manage your own insecurity. That's what you need to do to protect your marriage.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Zig said:


> There is an ENORMOUS body of statistical evidence that says women with high numbers are almost certain to cheat/divorce.





Zig said:


> What's really interesting is that a woman's chances of a failed marriage increase linearly with the total number of partners. However, the only men who are significantly less likely to cheat are those who were virgins or had 1 or 2 partners before marriage. Once a man has had 3/4 and more partners, it doesn't matter if the total number is 5 or 500, they are equally likely to cheat. It makes sense because men with very low numbers obviously have trouble attracting women but once you can attract a few (5+) it really doesn't matter anymore. On the other hand, high numbers in women are unusual because it's very easy for a woman to get sex. Her evolutionary goal is to find a male who will stick around. High numbers don't fit in with what we should expect from evolutionary psychology.


And where is all this evidence to be found?
The only time I've seen something remotely related was one of those "women hating, turn an Omega into an Alpha overnight with 7 Easy Steps, just buy my book" sites.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Hicks said:


> You asked in your first post if you should confront her over this....
> 
> Look... In this day and age most people don't marry as virgins.
> 
> ...


You're right, I did. That was probably at the worst part of all this inner conflict I'm feeling. Since then, I am thinking much clearer. If the subject is ever to be discussed it has to be in an open, non-threatening way. There is nothing I can do about it except deal with my own insecurities. Working on that. I found a thread with this very topic from a few months ago and have been reading it. Not done yet, but that has helped my way of thinking too.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

You've been happily married for 20 years. The past is the past. What. Is. The. Big. Deal?


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

SeaMaiden said:


> Wow, truer words couldn't be spoken. I had a situation similar to OP's, in that I learned after marriage exactly how many lovers my husband had before me and because he admitted to swinging with his ex wife, I felt very inadequate and began questioning him non stop as to details. Which I was not prepared to hear the answers to - *it's been over a year since he confessed to me, and I'm STILL having issues in MY head about his past. *
> 
> Just let it go. She's married to you, she loves you, you have great sex together - YOU are the one she chose to spend her life with. Don't torture yourself.


I'm about 4 years in, and I still have issues. Different issues mind you, but it still bothers me. But I also know that's my problem mostly, and as such I need to deal with it.


----------

