# A solutions oriented approach as to why your wife doesn't want sex...



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Michzz has asked me to seek a solution oriented approach to the previous list. None of my friends have solutions as they are biding their time to get out. I do however as I am not them. I love my husband dearly and I want to work on our marriage. So take this with a grain of salt from one woman's perspective, so here goes:

1. Resentful: That is a very tough mountain to climb. Once a woman gets resentful it is because she is done. End of her rope, angry, bitter, etc. The only way to resolve this is probably through counseling, both MC and IC.
2. Lazy: You both work. Whoever comes home first starts the meal. The one who comes home last cleans up.
3. Unappreciated: Call her in the middle of the day and say "You looked so hot this morning". Text her on Tuesday that you want to take her out Friday night because you want to just be the two of you. This will build her excitement and make her look forward to something.
4. Not listening: Look her in the eye when she talks. Don't stare at your phone or look up and nod while typing away on your laptop. Women love being paid attention to.
5. Checking out other women: If you do this in front of your woman, not cool and yes she sees it. Focus on her and only her, plenty of time to look while alone.
6. Taking her for granted: She isn't going to be around forever, nobody is. Those dry cleaning runs that you assume she will do and those reminders about your doctor's appointments, put them on your cell phone and do them yourself.
7. Expectation: She isn't going to look like Barbie forever. Nobody can. If she is getting 2-6 of the solutions portion, she will try her best to look as good as she possibly can. You also need to do your part.
8. Porn: All I can say about that is yes men look, I got that. Please understand if 1-7 of the original list is happening, she is going to only hurt from you viewing porn.
9. Not feeling sexy: Lot's of women feel unsexy for a variety of reasons. A woman who is in love and feels secure will not feel unsexy. She will be comfortable in her skin no matter her size and thus up for sex.
10. Bad in bed: Change it up a bit. Do it outside or in some unique area. Do it in the car like when you were teenagers. Women are just as much adrenaline junkies as men. Rekindle that "high".
11. Ignoring her: As Chris Rock said the way to make your woman feel happy is to ask her "How was your day?". It turns in to a 45 minute conversation but it makes her feel special. You care how she felt. You listened. 45 minutes isn't much if it makes your wife feel loved and cherished, now is it?
12. Getting fat: If we are expected to be ageless and toned, you need to step up your game as well.
13. Acting like a young child: Don't ask your wife what socks to wear or what shoes look best. Dress for success and walk up to her and say "Do I look hot or what?" Confidence is totally sexy to us women.
14. Helping: Don't ask her what you can "help" her out with house cleaning wise. You are her partner, not her helper. Walk up to her and say "I am going to clean the family room, our bathroom and the hallway. What are you going to clean?". This clearly defines that you are 50/50 and are commanding. You are not putting the onus on her.
15. Porn sex: Very few women like to be shot in the face. It does nothing for us. It is purely visual for you and leans towards degradation. Anal sex is another thing. Some of us like it, others do not. Don't press the issue on any of these two topics or she will think you view her the same way you view the women in porn, as a hole. Go back to number 1.
16. Lying to her: Why? Why lie to the one person you promised (in most cases) before God to be loyal to? Most women are very understanding and can accept lots of things. Finding out after the fact that they were lied to makes them angry and suspicious. That lie will turn in to a hailstorm eventually. So be honest.
17. Respect: You married your wife because you loved her and also respected her. Why? What was it about her that you respected? Whatever that was, remember it and continue it. Be it her education, her giving, her compassion, you name it. You wouldn't have married her if you didn't respect her, unless you married a trophy wife.
18. Previous cheating: If you cheated in the past, you are pretty much screwed. Women might move past this but they will never forget it. That is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage and you ripped the rug out from under her. The only thing that might sooth this is counseling but more than likely divorce. She IS only staying until the kids are grown. She is planning her exit right now.
19. Lack of ambition: She saw something in you. Women by nature want a provider, despite their own earning power. They like having a man who can buck up. This doesn't have to mean money wise. A man who is dominant in a sport and competes is just as sexy to a woman as a man who earns a good paycheck. It is the drive that we find sexy.
20. Conflict avoider: No woman finds a man who avoids conflict to be sexy. You are viewed by us as a [email protected] Speak up and tell us your mind. We want that.

So there you have it. The solutions from one woman on how to make your wife happy. If you do even just a few on this list, she will nail you....trust me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So basically .... pay attention?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"If you do even just a few on this list, she will nail you....trust me."

I'm sure some are going to say, what if they tired them all or even a few and still no sex, so I will say, then its time to move on. 

Good list though!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CallaLily said:


> "If you do even just a few on this list, she will nail you....trust me."
> 
> I'm sure some are going to say, what if they tired them all or even a few and still no sex, so I will say, then its time to move on.
> 
> Good list though!


Yes. Yes it was ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I have some questions for men that I think is related to the subject of this thread. 

1) Did you or do you now have difficulty in talking with your wife? If so why and what would make it easier or more enjoyable to talk? 
2) Have you had difficulty understanding what she wants from you? If so, have you been successful in working out this difficulty? 
3) I have a feeling that men find women confusing and difficult to figure out, can you give examples and if you have overcome the problems? 
4) In what ways are women different from what you expected, now that you have had some experience of them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> i think resentment is the biggest thing to overcome in marriage. my husband and i talk out everything. we re-hash fights and arguements, if its to soon then the topic is backed off.
> 
> we talk everyday, and look forward to our time together. for me thats important. we watch a lot of movies and talk about what ifs. we talk about divorce, and death, and the death of our parents and all the things we want out of life.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Not a far stretch at all. Besides all of my wifes problems, (She has admitted and her councilor has told her) the small bit that attributed to her affair is resentment. Mine for her never talking to me or opening up, no sex, no time together, *****y, pushing me away, etc, etc.... Then hers because after months, and months of that I stopped listening to her the 2 or 3 times she did want to talk about her problems. IMO the whole list thing works 100% both ways. Yes men have to man up to a womens emotions, but so does a woman towards a man.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> I have some questions for men that I think is related to the subject of this thread.


There have been so many topics, threads, discussions, and arguments addressing this very issue. I think of rejection more like a matrix than I do a linear formula. It isn't a matter of (A+B) * C - D = sex. There are simply too many variables. But ... many of those variables can and MUST be attended to and managed. And many ... simply don't. Thus the reason for my 'pay attention' comment earlier.

You, yourself, addressed this last piece. As has SimplyAmorous and a number of other women that post here.

Regardless of gender, whenever an individual having an issue with intimacy in their relationship, approaches it from the point of _what their partner isn't doing_, you're already in trouble.

To quote MEM; "Everything starts in-house."
The only logical, and manageable course you have, is to start by evaluating yourself. And as a result of that introspection, start implementing changes by and for yourself. Really doesn't matter what it is. Whether it's self-esteem, boundaries, communication, therapy, building confidence, changing your body image, engaging more, engaging less ... whatever ... the focus needs to be 'me', not 'you'.

I think lots of folks get that bit wrong, right out of the gate.

For me, the problem, it's solution, and ongoing management has become pretty straightforward. My marriage is ended, but I will answer your questions, and see if they lead anywhere.



> 1) Did you or do you now have difficulty in talking with your wife? If so why and what would make it easier or more enjoyable to talk?


I was the communicator. It is one of my personal strengths. This is where I had to 'lead'. Our communication literally died on the table and ceased, when every discussion invariably led to lack of sex, lack of money, and lack of effort and commitment from her (my perception). She shut down. We both grew resentful.



> 2) Have you had difficulty understanding what she wants from you? If so, have you been successful in working out this difficulty?


Honestly? I think this is a great question, and one that should be easy to answer if you are doing what you need to do in a relationship.
My answer? Yes and no. I know what she wanted from me on the duty side, as a provider and a father - and I'm confident she would give me high marks in both. On the intimacy side? No clue. Importantly, at the risk of sounding like I'm contradicting myself, I believe this issue rests with her. I believe this is one of the core issues that she has to resolve for herself ... how to preserve an intimate relationship, and getting comfortable with her own sexuality.



> 3) I have a feeling that men find women confusing and difficult to figure out, can you give examples and if you have overcome the problems?


Not anymore. I used to. Pay attention to what she does and how she responds, rather than _what she says_. 



> 4) In what ways are women different from what you expected, now that you have had some experience of them?


I have alluded to this previously. In a nutshell, I used to put women on a pedestal. I presumed that all women were intrinsically 'in touch' with their feelings, were inherently wiser and gentler than men when it came to matters of the heart. I now have a much more tempered, and realistic view. I have my own code of conduct which still defaults to courtesy, respect and thoughtfulness - and I expect the same in return. I took women off the pedestal and put a lamp on it instead.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

See, I told you you could write out solutions as you see them.

The thing is, these hold true when you are dealing with a normal person, capable of sustained rational thought and ethical behavior.

When you are not dealing with this type of person, selfishness and destructive behavior trumps it all. 

When crazy sets the agenda, no amount of decent behavior seems to work.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> See, I told you you could write out solutions as you see them.
> 
> The thing is, these hold true when you are dealing with a normal person, capable of sustained rational thought and ethical behavior.
> 
> ...


If crazy is the agenda, get out. This was my take on what makes a woman happy. Many will disagree and therefore I stated it was my thoughts only. I am for the most part not-crazy and therefore these items work well on me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

And I will be
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> And I will be
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. This list does not pertain to you but you are a solutions oriented dude and implored me to talk about solutions, so I did.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Yeah, I did. I knew you were holding back.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Brennen I think theses are fair solutions. 
I am becoming discouraged because I know intellectually much more now than I did before about my husband as a man but in my day to day life, these solutions and ways of thinking hardly ever come to mind in the heat of the moment. 

We had a bad argument this AM and I was pure feeling and emotions, no thoughts about how he is a good man with unique approach to life, only feelings of deep anger and all of the things from the past I brought up. How do you teach your feelings to be as reasonable and good as your new found understanding. I feel as if I really cant use any of what I learned when I need it most because there is no time to think. 

I feel bad now. I understand why there is such a disconnect between men and women, we know on a conscious level what is fair and right but that not where the real action is. Life is lives in the heat of the moment and if the unconscious can't be brought into line then what do you do? 

Thank you Deejo for your thoughtful responses. I will have to read them over again when I calm down. I know my husband is confused by me dredging up old stuff so I have to think of what to do because I dont know.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Brennen I think theses are fair solutions.
> I am becoming discouraged because I know intellectually much more now than I did before about my husband as a man but in my day to day life, these solutions and ways of thinking hardly ever come to mind in the heat of the moment.
> 
> We had a bad argument this AM and I was pure feeling and emotions, no thoughts about how he is a good man with unique approach to life, only feelings of deep anger and all of the things from the past I brought up. How do you teach your feelings to be as reasonable and good as your new found understanding. I feel as if I really cant use any of what I learned when I need it most because there is no time to think.
> ...


I would imagine its hard to not bring up the past. IMO, it never serves as a good thing, it just creates more chaos and bad feelings from both parties. Catherine why do you feel you brought up past things? Was it because things were already heated and it was your first reaction to do so?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

michzz said:


> The thing is, these hold true when you are dealing with a normal person, capable of sustained rational thought and ethical behavior.
> 
> When you are dealing with this type of person, selfishness and destructive behavior trumps it all.
> 
> When crazy sets the agenda, no amount of decent behavior seems to work.


I agree. And all the more reason why if your focus is hoping that _they_ will or must change ... you just hit the fast track to misery.

I have also come to terms that at some point if you are dealing with a female, 'crazy' may not be the agenda, but it definitely ends up on the agenda occasionally.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I still have days where I struggle with resentful feelings. I hate it and I wish I could turn those feelings off like a light switch, but it doesn't happen. I know some people who can turn their feelings off and on at the drop of a hat, I have never been able to do that. We are trying to get past these resentment issues, because it has really been the main thing that has caused me to back off from being intimate. I think men can feel resentment as well, however, I think they might be a little better at putting those feelings aside long enough to have sex. I know my husband can. He can be resentful, but want to have sex, be loving and caring, but then after sex is over, go right back to be resentful. Its times like that when I feel almost used, and reinforces the fact that I don't care to be intimate.. :scratchhead:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I for one am done with looking for the nice bow to put on a big box of crazy. Whatever the reason is or is not, who cares? All this analysis leads nowhere. I have accepted her hatred of sex or whatever it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Tsk, tsk Deejo. As somebody who years ago watched her husband have a complete meltdown after we got lost driving around, I can assure you crazy goes for both sexes.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Tsk, tsk Deejo. As somebody who years ago watched her husband have a complete meltdown after we got lost driving around, I can assure you crazy goes for both sexes.


:iagree: Maybe we should start a thread about some of the crazy things our spouses have done. If anything maybe for a good laugh. :smthumbup:


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I simply don't find sex exciting when I think about doing it with my husband. It's no more than a  routine and he's not sexy.
That's why I would find some reason not to have sex, such as, i'm sleepy.
(We still have sex once a week. Only because we should.)
I do love my husband dearly. We're very close to each other and we're best friends. Sex became stale. Nothing much about resentment, appreciation or respect... kind of things in the list.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

friendly said:


> I simply don't find sex exciting when I think about doing it with my husband. It's no more than a routine and he's not sexy.
> That's why I would find some reason not to have sex, such as, i'm sleepy.
> (We still have sex once a week. Only because we should.)
> I do love my husband dearly. We're very close to each other and we're best friends. Sex became stale. Nothing much about resentment, appreciation or respect... kind of things in the list.


When your husband realizes that you love him like this you will know what resentment feels like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Brennan said:


> Michzz has asked me to seek a solution oriented approach to the previous list. None of my friends have solutions as they are biding their time to get out. I do however as I am not them. I love my husband dearly and I want to work on our marriage. So take this with a grain of salt from one woman's perspective, so here goes:
> 
> 1. Resentful: That is a very tough mountain to climb. Once a woman gets resentful it is because she is done. End of her rope, angry, bitter, etc. The only way to resolve this is probably through counseling, both MC and IC.
> 2. Lazy: You both work. Whoever comes home first starts the meal. The one who comes home last cleans up.
> ...


I reread your list.

Have to ask, is this your experience?

I think I'd feel better knowing that these were your personal preferences, or what you felt was lacking. I appreciate that thought went into compiling these points, but they bothered me. Speaking as a guy that has been pretty open and willing to take a look at himself, I just can't relate to most of the items on this list of 'good things to do, to have good things happen.'


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I reread your list.
> 
> Have to ask, is this your experience?
> 
> I think I'd feel better knowing that these were your personal preferences, or what you felt was lacking. I appreciate that thought went into compiling these points, but they bothered me. Speaking as a guy that has been pretty open and willing to take a look at himself, I just can't relate to most of the items on this list of 'good things to do, to have good things happen.'


Deejo,
The biggest thing on this list for me is resentment, ignoring and conflict avoidance. Resentment is something I struggle with daily, despite MC and IC. He does as well. Ignoring me goes back to resentment. As I have mentioned before, as a child I was virtually abandoned emotionally by my parents. Having my husband do that in the past just brought back all the abuse from childhood and further increased resentment. Conflict avoidance fed in to that as well. He knew I was resentful and being ignored as I would vocalize it often. He would retreat for weeks and come up for air maybe once every 2 weeks. It was a vicious circle for sure.
This list was written purely from my perspective of a "if this was happening to me" type of situation "this is how I would like it handled". 
Many of the things on the list do not apply to me. Cheating for one. However, I have experienced 12 items on that list. It is just my take on how this one woman would think it should be handled.
Might I ask, what was it that bothered you so much?


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Here is my take on this from the relationship problems I had.

1. Resentful: Oh yeah she resented me, but I resented her too. what worked for us is an agreement to work on what makes us resent each other..

2. Lazy: OMG I married the most lazy person on the planet, still trying to whip her into shape.

3. Unappreciated: This one was a big one for us, I am incredible busy person. But I was able to fit time into the day to text her nice messages.

4. Not listening: This one is can still be a problem for her, but I don't listen on purpose to keep the power in the relationship. She loves to nag and argue to get me upset so I shut her down.

5. Checking out other women: It happens, and its very hard to control. This one will probably never stop.

6. Taking her for granted: Never an issue

7. Expectation: Not an issue

8. Porn: We watch it together

9. Not feeling sexy: Huge problem for her, takes a lot of correcting to get this one resolved. Not 100 percent fixed.

10. Bad in bed: Read 8, lol yeah when it happened it wasn't bad

11. Ignoring her: I engage her all the time now, but will still ignore her if the nagger comes out.

12. Getting fat: We both go to the gym

13. Acting like a young child: I actually act like a Teen, this will not change. Even if it means divorce. This is who I am, and ill change if I want to.

14. Helping: This goes back to #2, got she is lazy and I wish she helped me. But to keep her from resenting me, I do the things around the house every day.

15. Porn sex: Read 8 and 10

16. Lying to her: I do this to keep the peace. Not gonna change unless she can be more understanding.

17. Respect: I respect her, I don't see an issue here

18. NA

19. Lack of ambition: This better not be an issue, I earn like 5 times as much as she does. We are not rich, but not exactly hurting either. I am a damn good poker player too. She has zero complaints here. She better not, cuzz she is spoiled to death if you ask me.

20. Conflict avoider: This use to be a big problem for us, I hated fighting and she was a control freak. I have turned the tables around and regained the control. I am the Man and I have the control. This right here is the number one way I have found to get the vagina is to be a Man and not let her mess with you.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

What is resentment and why it's a turn- off? Do we always need a connection to have sex? Can still just fk like animals at times. 
When novelty wears off, the wife gets old, the husband gets old, everything gets old and lazy, so year after year, having sex with same person, as a result, it gets boring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

The problem is that if she resents you, she will not have sex with you like its a punishment..


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Tool said:


> The problem is that if she resents you, she will not have sex with you like its a punishment..


Wives also need sex. I think it's not just a resentment thing.
When a husband isn't good in bed (hardly satisfies the wife and never wants to improve his love making skills), it would become a real turn off to any wife in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

According to my Wife, she says she doesn't need it lol..


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Tool said:


> According to my Wife, she says she doesn't need it lol..


Why?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Brennan said:


> Deejo,
> 
> Might I ask, what was it that bothered you so much?


Certainly nothing directed at you. I think this 'list' somehow taps into the way that I used to think, which _was_ pretty linear.

Do these things and both of you and your relationship will prosper.

I believe this is true if both partners believe, and act upon it. That didn't happen in my circumstances.

As Michzz pointed out, there is seldom parity when it comes to serving the marriage. And when the imbalance grows to the point that it cannot be ignored, both parties are overwhelmingly more likely to blame the other rather than ask, "What is my contribution?" and "How can we change this?" 

When there is parity, I believe it generally works just like we hope.

I've been doing a lot of re-reading. I posted in another thread that I find it very unfortunate that love over time generally erodes, rather than becoming more bonding and ever stronger.

It seems that the common equation in long term relationships is how to avoid falling out of love rather than looking for ways to fall more deeply in love.

That is the romantic in me talking, and dreaming ...

Between this and your other thread, it's really thought provoking stuff.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Brennan said:


> Why?


She said it's because she is a women and she could live her life without it forever if needed.. But she did say this during our dark times.. It could have been complete BS, a way for her to get out of sex..


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Certainly nothing directed at you. I think this 'list' somehow taps into the way that I used to think, which _was_ pretty linear.
> 
> Do these things and both of you and your relationship will prosper.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with you, Deejo. It is linear thinking but I do think that for me at least, if some of these things had happened, I would have been in a better place. I too have fallen in to the trap of how to avoid falling out of love rather than how to fall more deeply in it. My biggest struggle right now is resentment. He is trying and opening up and a huge part of my struggle is the inner voice saying "well NOW he is willing to work on it". This type of thinking is counterproductive and I really need to see that my thoughts are not contributing to the benefit of my marriage. It's a terrible battle. Another one is his honesty. He has opened up and told me things he has held in for years. My reaction was to be very hurt and angry. I still have the hurt and once again it is counterproductive to my marriage. He was honest and my actions only showed him that honesty isn't the best policy when it comes to me and no doubt he will be hesitant in the future. So then it all goes back to resentment. He wants to work now and wants to be honest now but when I needed and wanted it years ago, it didn't happen. 
He is trying to push forward and I often find myself trying to pull back.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Brennan said:


> He wants to work now and wants to be honest now but when I needed and wanted it years ago, it didn't happen.
> He is trying to push forward and I often find myself trying to pull back.


I can appreciate this. It's because the stakes have been upped if it fails AFTER honesty is introduced. Before, you could keep pointing at dishonesty as the reason things were bad--and it is a huge, huge factor.

But if things fail now? Where do you point the finger?

Who wants that set of choices? Not me.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm wondering if I should put together a list of things for a WOMAN to do if she has lost sexual interest in her husband. Maybe that would be helpful.

My husband would have rated himself as a very nice, very good husband. I think it is important to remember that each individual views "reality" differently.

Things that affected me were:
*him failing at his dream job and us never having enough money, his failure to see that as a problem
*living with my parents for years
*him totally letting himself go 
*bad habits/lazy at home 
*having some rather feminine traits like crying at tv shows and crying if I told him I was miserable for whatever reason
*his approach to sex was to ask or gently rub me which are passive and don't turn me on
*sex wasn't always that good for me
*We stopped playing together
*We rarely ever went out together as a couple
*We stopped dreaming together about the future

I shut down for other reasons that were personal to me, too, it certainly wasn't all him. I had lost myself, made too many sacrifices, got tired of arguing about money or what I wanted/needed, my sex drive was mentally shut off, I was lazy about certain things. I literally thought I just didn't need sex. I was perfectly content without it (or so I thought). I've never had a sexless marriage, I just had no desire or drive for it.

Things I have done to improve my drive and hopefully bring back attraction:

*I learned about our biology and what the issues were that killed my sexual attraction to him. I would never have been able to fix my part of the problem before figuring out how attraction works to begin with.

*I embraced my sexuality and sensuality as a woman. I embraced my husbands sexuality and sexual needs as a man. I actually changed my entire outlook on sex. 

*I broke out of the dysfunction of sex as currency. Don't get me wrong, I don't think we were as bad as some, but we did start trying to "get me in the mood" by him doing things for me. It got us into a bad cycle because that does NOT get me in the mood and then I would feel guilty for not being in the mood. I also didn't like that I might see if more sex or less sex would lead to my needs being filled. Sex just doesn't work that way. It's yucky and degrading.

*I made the choice to create the sexual relationship I want to have. I want to have a healthy active sex life. I want sex to come from desire so that is what I am creating. I have made it my goal to never reject my husband. I do not have sex out of duty or obligation.

*I started purchasing bedroom toys for us to experiment with. We also started trying different positions again and more than one during a session. I am now confident I will O each encounter I want to.

*I started giving bj's again and became more comfortable with receiving. 

*I started exploring my body solo.

*I started texting him sometimes at work. Being more solicitous towards him and his day, his needs.

*I started flirting and being more playful. I am giving what I want to receive and it is working! He is more playful, flirty and teasing towards me. He has become more sexualy aggressive without me even saying anything. I have told him that asking for sex is a turn off and I am much more vocal during in telling him to be more firm, etc.

*I have encouraged him to eat better and exercise so he can lose weight. Being more active also keeps me from feeling like he is lazy.

*He did get a steady job with a steady paycheck. We still have a LONG way to go in the financial area, but this helped immensely.


I'm sure we still have a ways to go in creating a healthy relationship. But I can say that my husband remarked yesterday that I "spoil" him in regards to sex. I have gone from crying before or after sex to laughing before and after sex!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Another reason she not is she's a bully, a tyrant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> I can appreciate this. It's because the stakes have been upped if it fails AFTER honesty is introduced. Before, you could keep pointing at dishonesty as the reason things were bad--and it is a huge, huge factor.
> 
> But if things fail now? Where do you point the finger?
> 
> Who wants that set of choices? Not me.


I didn't know he was being dishonest until he started being honest. 
As for finger pointing, I am really trying not to do that. I contributed plenty to this mess as did he. Of course we all see things the way we want to.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Michzz has asked me to seek a solution oriented approach to the previous list. None of my friends have solutions as they are biding their time to get out. I do however as I am not them. I love my husband dearly and I want to work on our marriage. So take this with a grain of salt from one woman's perspective, so here goes:
> 
> 1. Resentful: That is a very tough mountain to climb. Once a woman gets resentful it is because she is done. End of her rope, angry, bitter, etc. The only way to resolve this is probably through counseling, both MC and IC.


That does not need to be true at all. I was WILDLY resentful of my husband. All he had to do is turn over a new leaf about the things I was resentful about. 



> 2. Lazy: You both work. Whoever comes home first starts the meal. The one who comes home last cleans up.


It does not even have to be that specific. Who does what chore is irrelevant. All he has to do is get in the game and work with her about divying up chores. BUT that said, she has to recognize that her version of clean is not the *right* version of clean and that he has a right to his standards and approaches. He needs to come to the table with an attitude that yes we are both equal contributors, but you don't get to tell me that the Clorox is somehow superior to the Comet.




> 3. Unappreciated: Call her in the middle of the day and say "You looked so hot this morning". Text her on Tuesday that you want to take her out Friday night because you want to just be the two of you. This will build her excitement and make her look forward to something.


I don't know about this one. Never happened to me. But in this case, I think it is in the best interest of the woman to get a little over herself. How long does your husband keep his favorite shoes? Long after they are no longer wearable? YES. Because to him they are comfortable. Yes women want romance 24/7. But men have a right to their desires too, and part of that is being comfortable enough not to have to dance to some weird tune all the time.

A lot of this unappreciated stuff (as well as the respect stuff that some other poster, SG I think, brought up a while back, is nothing more than a self esteem that wants to be buttressed externally. It cannot be done. I think a man runs the risk of stepping in a trap if he accepts "appreciating", aka bolstering her poor self esteem, as his job. He can have a positive role in helping her (or him, this one is not gender specific) grow into a mature adult with strong self esteem. But to accept that it is his role to bolster said esteem is a mistake since it can never be successful and it masks her need to do the work on her own.



> 6. Taking her for granted: She isn't going to be around forever, nobody is. Those dry cleaning runs that you assume she will do and those reminders about your doctor's appointments, put them on your cell phone and do them yourself.


How is that taking her for granted and not just being lazy? It does not HAVE to be some big reflection on her that the guy is disorganized about his life. She should probably not be choosing to do them for him.

I used to think DH took me for granted. I got a real eye opener when he looked me straight int he face and said I never ASKED you to do all those things for me. If you don't want to do them, don't do them. If I miss my doc appointment it is my own damned fault.

For this one and the unappreciated one, men, I have different advice. And it is not going to work in all cases. Look her straight in the eye and honestly and as lovingly as you can manage, be honest. My husband told me, I love you. But it is not my job to make you feel "appreciated". You do what you choose to do because you choose to do it. The fact that you want a medal for it is just plain needy and unattractive. I tend to avoid coming home because it gets old to have you want me to soothe your neediness all the time.

WHAP!


But he was right. *I* chose to do all the reminding and chores that he could not give a rats ass about. Why should I want a medal of appreciation for that? He allowed me to grow up and own my decisions based on what I thought needed to get done. That allowed me to let him suffer the consequences of his own lazy forgetfulness. He grew up too.




> 7. Expectation: She isn't going to look like Barbie forever. Nobody can. If she is getting 2-6 of the solutions portion, she will try her best to look as good as she possibly can. You also need to do your part.


I can't speak to this one. DH has always had stars in his eyes for me even when I was wearing my size 16 pants. 

But let's be fair. Many women DON'T try to look their best for their men. You see this all the time in other kids of forums, particularly some of the parenting ones I have frequented. It is nothing but bs whining and complaining about how HAAAAARRRRDDDD it is. Yes there is little one can do about what gravity does to our breasts. And child bearing changes the shape and size of other things and does things to one's skin. But in the final analysis, the #1 complaint wrt looks is overweightness. And that is 100% fixable. 

Let's assume we are talking to the men here, who by and large are good dudes who love their wives. If that is the case, then let us assume that they aren't oogling other women, that they are bright enough to figure that is not going to win any points with the Mrs. My husband is honest. He tells me, look you know you are setting me up for a no win situation when you ask me if I look fat in those jeans (back in the day, since now I have lost quite a bit of weight since then). I answer no, and I am basically lying. You know I am lying and will continue to ask. If say yes, you get ticked at me. Could you stand to lose 10? Sure. So could I. Let's buy more vegetables. Do I want to screw you silly every time I see you? Damned straight I do.

I guess something like that would be my advice.




> 8. Porn: All I can say about that is yes men look, I got that. Please understand if 1-7 of the original list is happening, she is going to only hurt from you viewing porn.


Have exactly NO opinion on this one. I can agree with the if things are generally poor, that that is a straw that might break the camel's back. It is hard to know. 



> 9. Not feeling sexy: Lot's of women feel unsexy for a variety of reasons. A woman who is in love and feels secure will not feel unsexy. She will be comfortable in her skin no matter her size and thus up for sex.


Wow I so don't agree with this either. Women are the ones who measure themselves against super models. A man can help matters. Looking at your wife with a hungry eye. Compliments about her lovely... whatever, hair, eyes.... But ultimately feeling sexy is HER job. Guys my advice if this is your scene, be honest. YOU feel unsexy. Have you noticed me complaining about lack of sex? It is not ME that thinks you are not sexy. You want to feel sexy, then let me put my hands upon the wonderment! 



> 10. Bad in bed: Change it up a bit. Do it outside or in some unique area. Do it in the car like when you were teenagers. Women are just as much adrenaline junkies as men. Rekindle that "high".


Amen to this. I knew a guy long time ago who thought it was pretty a ok to just lay there. Really honestly thought I would want to blow him, climb on top and ride him until he came. Hello? He thought he was all that because he had a tool. Um. Yah. Not. 

And the things you think are erotic may not be the same as she. When DH runs his fingers lightly down my back, arms, thighs ... oh my god it makes me insane. He starts with non sexual, playful touches (whcih I think is all he means at the time), running a finger down my nose, kissing my ear then flicking it with his tongue. Stuff like that. Yes, he slaps my ass in the kitchen on the way by, but we are already in a good place. How about instead running your lips lightly over the back of her neck.

And in bed itself, spend two weeks doing a study of how much pleasure she is getting. As Dan Savage says, the best lovers are good, giving and game.




> 11. Ignoring her: As Chris Rock said the way to make your woman feel happy is to ask her "How was your day?". It turns in to a 45 minute conversation but it makes her feel special. You care how she felt. You listened. 45 minutes isn't much if it makes your wife feel loved and cherished, now is it?


If you can actually manage to care how her day was and the content of the 45 minute conversation, even better! But watch the urge to fix all the problems she may be sharing with you. 



> 12. Getting fat: If we are expected to be ageless and toned, you need to step up your game as well.


DH and I have done the fat not fat thing pretty much together, so it was less of an issue for us. But yah, if you are carrying a bunch extra around, lose it!




> 13. Acting like a young child: Don't ask your wife what socks to wear or what shoes look best. Dress for success and walk up to her and say "Do I look hot or what?" Confidence is totally sexy to us women.


And do NOT be afraid to get the advice of your gay friends or a magazine. 



> 14. Helping: Don't ask her what you can "help" her out with house cleaning wise. You are her partner, not her helper. Walk up to her and say "I am going to clean the family room, our bathroom and the hallway. What are you going to clean?". This clearly defines that you are 50/50 and are commanding. You are not putting the onus on her.


:iagree: I cringe when I hear men tell their wives that they are going to babysit for them. Whose kids are they? Hers?



> 15. Porn sex: Very few women like to be shot in the face. It does nothing for us. It is purely visual for you and leans towards degradation. Anal sex is another thing. Some of us like it, others do not. Don't press the issue on any of these two topics or she will think you view her the same way you view the women in porn, as a hole. Go back to number 1.


Once your relationship is improved, you may be able to bring it up again. But if you aren't getting any, and you are complaining about anal... Think again.



> 16. Lying to her: Why? Why lie to the one person you promised (in most cases) before God to be loyal to? Most women are very understanding and can accept lots of things. Finding out after the fact that they were lied to makes them angry and suspicious. That lie will turn in to a hailstorm eventually. So be honest.


And if you happen to be married to a woman who is not understanding, like to my shame I was not, then stand your ground and face the music. Do not tell lies to get out of getting in trouble. Face the fight that will ensure calmly maintaining that you feel that there was nothing wrong with whatever... Assuming that there really was nothing wrong with whatever.





> 19. Lack of ambition: She saw something in you. Women by nature want a provider, despite their own earning power.


If you are married to a woman who wants a provider, leave!



I am only half kidding here, actually. 



> 20. Conflict avoider: No woman finds a man who avoids conflict to be sexy. You are viewed by us as a [email protected] Speak up and tell us your mind. We want that.


Yup. I would not come to exactly the same conclusions as Brennan as to what to do with the info. But it is a good thing to think about.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Regardless of gender, whenever an individual having an issue with intimacy in their relationship, approaches it from the point of _what their partner isn't doing_, you're already in trouble.


That is what took me so long to really understanhd though it seems such a simple concept now.


> To quote MEM; "Everything starts in-house."
> The only logical, and manageable course you have, is to start by evaluating yourself. And as a result of that introspection, start implementing changes by and for yourself. Really doesn't matter what it is. Whether it's self-esteem, boundaries, communication, therapy, building confidence, changing your body image, engaging more, engaging less ... whatever ... the focus needs to be 'me', not 'you'.


Yup. Again, it is a difficult mental road block to clear for some reason. You see people on here seeming to struggle with it all the time.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> See, I told you you could write out solutions as you see them.
> 
> The thing is, these hold true when you are dealing with a normal person, capable of sustained rational thought and ethical behavior.


Well this is interesting. I DO assume that all the time. My question would be why would you want to remain married to someone who was not at least interested in growing into such a person?

For those who are married to people who are not at least CAPABLE of sustained rational thought and ethical behavior then there is no answer to anything whether sex, resentment, finances. None of it. You are hosed. Get out and wish them the best in their growing up.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tool said:


> Here is my take on this from the relationship problems I had.
> 
> 1. Resentful: Oh yeah she resented me, but I resented her too. what worked for us is an agreement to work on what makes us resent each other..


Exactly. That is what we did as well. It is super rare that only one person is adding to the love busting. It takes someone to spin the table and try to change the dynamic.



> 2. Lazy: OMG I married the most lazy person on the planet, still trying to whip her into shape.


Instead of nagging, try effective limit setting. It works better. Do what you need to do. Isolate her from impacting as much as possible. Allow her to feel the consequences of her laziness.



> 3. Unappreciated: This one was a big one for us, I am incredible busy person. But I was able to fit time into the day to text her nice messages.
> 
> 4. Not listening: This one is can still be a problem for her, but I don't listen on purpose to keep the power in the relationship. She loves to nag and argue to get me upset so I shut her down.


Instead of not listening, how about effective limit setting here as well? I know you like me to listen to you, but right now it sounds like you are nagging at me. Shall we discuss this with aan eye to solving the problem, or do I need to leave the room until we are ready?



> 5. Checking out other women: It happens, and its very hard to control. This one will probably never stop.
> 
> 6. Taking her for granted: Never an issue
> 
> ...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Brennan said:


> I didn't know he was being dishonest until he started being honest.
> As for finger pointing, I am really trying not to do that. I contributed plenty to this mess as did he. Of course we all see things the way we want to.


Dishonesty includes more than overt deceit, as in saying an untruth. Omission of the truth is also dishonest.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> See, I told you you could write out solutions as you see them.
> 
> The thing is, these hold true when you are dealing with a normal person, capable of sustained rational thought and ethical behavior.
> 
> ...





Mom6547 said:


> Well this is interesting. I DO assume that all the time. My question would be why would you want to remain married to someone who was not at least interested in growing into such a person?
> 
> For those who are married to people who are not at least CAPABLE of sustained rational thought and ethical behavior then there is no answer to anything whether sex, resentment, finances. None of it. You are hosed. Get out and wish them the best in their growing up.


I didn't know this fully at the worst of the times and I was protecting my family from being even more without my influence.

I've gone into this in earlier posts. Suffice it to say, I have less need of that protectionism now but have poor economics. Once that changes (soon), the parting begins in earnest.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mom6547 said:


> That is what took me so long to really understanhd though it seems such a simple concept now.
> 
> Yup. Again, it is a difficult mental road block to clear for some reason. You see people on here seeming to struggle with it all the time.


I sure did.

Emotional clarity is so much easier to come by when you aren't in the throes of emotional pain. Tragedy being, it's when you are suffering from that pain that clarity is what is needed most.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is something that broken worth trying to fix? Sounds like you're in denial about admitting failure. People are not science projects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Before any couple can start trying to put right the wrongs in their marriage, they FIRST have to acknowledge that there are things wrong.

If the wife thinks 'missionary sex' once a month is quite acceptable and won't even acknowledge that her husband wants and needs it more often, then until she sees and accepts the problem then you can forget it.

If the husband feels that putting his (their) children to bed etc once a week is quite acceptable and won't even acknowledge that his wife would like him to do it every other day...then you can forget it.

So...whatever the problem is, until it is actually recognised and accepted, you can forget the whole thing.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

My wife thinks having sex with me once a month is fine. The fact that I might want it once/twice a week doesnt even enter the equation = not relevent = not a problem = nothing wrong = nothing to address.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Wow, great post Notaname and Mom, very balanced and helpful. 

I agree with you J we do have to realize there is a problem but what's more, be motivated to fix things. You articulate such a common scenario - wife does not acknowledge her husbands feelings of sexuall starvation as serious enough to get her attension. 

The question is what is the motivation for change? For manywomen it's the desire to improve their marriage because they are unhappy. If your wife J is happy, there is no incentive for change. I am not suggesting making her unhappy but find out what makes her so happy in contrast to you. 

Empathy has been mentioned more than once - being able to see things from another's point of view is a powerful force for change. Some people have the capacity and others need to learn. How do you ellict empathy how do you open the door for your partner to put them selves on your side of the table. One element is honestly revealing your self and practicing empathy yourself. Let the person know verbly that you see things from their point of view. Sometimes that will encourage the other person to do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

notaname said:


> I'm wondering if I should put together a list of things for a WOMAN to do if she has lost sexual interest in her husband. Maybe that would be helpful.
> 
> My husband would have rated himself as a very nice, very good husband. I think it is important to remember that each individual views "reality" differently.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::smthumbup:
This is the kind of post at least I (and I am sure some others) was waiting for. Sure, guys do need to "man" up, sure we are a part of the problem, but its on both shoes. Great post. very balanced. Not just "guy doesn't do anything for women and he gets no sex, which drives him farther away, and then her, etc, etc, etc...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I sure did.
> 
> Emotional clarity is so much easier to come by when you aren't in the throes of emotional pain. Tragedy being, it's when you are suffering from that pain that clarity is what is needed most.


I think that some of this comes from expectation we get growing up from family and society. We hear songs about love conquering all, blah dee blah. I need and want love. But it is not going to cut the mustard by itself. Marriage requires skill, vision, clarity....


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Very good post, OP! Cuts the crap out and focuses on the real issues. And I don't have to scroll through pages of people talking about whose fault it is, and why they are such a horrible, horrible human beings with no regard for human life.

We should do more of these solution focused lists. I likee!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

jezza said:


> My wife thinks having sex with me once a month is fine. The fact that I might want it once/twice a week doesnt even enter the equation = not relevent = not a problem = nothing wrong = nothing to address.


MAKE it a problem. Have you read the man up threads? Sometimes people need a wake up call. So long as you take it lying down, what motivation does she have to change? Effective limit setting, baby.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> :iagree::iagree::smthumbup:
> This is the kind of post at least I (and I am sure some others) was waiting for. Sure, guys do need to "man" up, sure we are a part of the problem, but its on both shoes.


I don't think anyone is suggesting it is. The thing is, someone has to do something to get the change ball rolling. 



> Great post. very balanced. Not just "guy doesn't do anything for women and he gets no sex, which drives him farther away, and then her, etc, etc, etc...


I don't think anyone, or most people, were suggesting anything of the kind.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

You definitely need to make it a problem for her if you are not happy. I can tell you my W was very happy with her life and even though I complained for years about our crappy sex life she would just ignore my requests. Even at times justify this by claiming all of her friends say the same thing. It wasn't til I manned-up and had to de-stabilize the marriage that I have her attention. It is very frustrating that it has come to this point in order for her to respond because now there is a ton a resentment that I have to work through over her behavior for all these years.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I would like to point out that MEDIA really aids this problem. So do couples who have been married a while.

When I was a newlywed I can remember women at work talk about how they go to bed after their husband is asleep so they don't have to do the deed. I couldn't wrap my mind around why on earth they would do that. I had not yet ever experienced not wanting to be with my husband.

Then you have years and years of being exposed to movies, tv shows and other media which potray married women with children as basically sexless. They use all the cliche excuses of being too tired, angry or having a headache. They potray the husband often as a joke of a man.

All this led to me believing it was very NORMAL to become much, much less interested in sex as the marriage went on. It must be normal because I was hearing about it from other married women and seeing it potrayed in television shows, right?!?

This means it is crucial for healthy couples to TALK about what is healthy and normal in a marriage to their own children and anyone else who will listen; friends, family, sisters.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

notaname said:


> *having some rather feminine traits like crying at tv shows


What now? So, now I find out that I can't watch television anymore?

Totally kidding!

My wife once told me that whenever she thinks I'm a cold SOB, she'll just put on a tear jerker movie. I'm the only one who cries.

Seriously though, guys are sent mixed symbols regarding masculinity. In the end, though, its about balance, and maybe an "edge" that isn't described by terms like alpha. 

Now, my wife and I have moved about 1200 miles from where I grew up. With the men where we now live, I've realized that there now exists a third sex. The perpetually feeling, sensitive man. (Kind of kidding here).


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

HelloooNurse said:


> Very good post, OP! Cuts the crap out and focuses on the real issues. And I don't have to scroll through pages of people talking about whose fault it is, and why they are such a horrible, horrible human beings with no regard for human life.
> 
> We should do more of these solution focused lists. I likee!


Thank you!


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Halien said:


> What now? So, now I find out that I can't watch television anymore?
> 
> Totally kidding!
> 
> ...


He cried at Baywatch. Baywatch, Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeover...It's not so much that he cries at stuff, it is that he cries at this stuff often and cries so much easier than me. It makes me out to be the cold-hearted woman and him the kind, caring, sensitive guy.

Yes. Men are sent mixed messages about this. I think that it is especially true for religious men where crying is seen as a spiritual strength.

You can still watch TV!!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mom6547 said:


> I think that some of this comes from expectation we get growing up from family and society. We hear songs about love conquering all, blah dee blah. I need and want love. But it is not going to cut the mustard by itself. Marriage requires skill, vision, clarity....


Love does not conquer all. But it should make you want to.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Love does not conquer all. But it should make you want to.


The word "should" is the enemy of marriage.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> The word "should" is the enemy of marriage.


Recently read where the word "Try" was too. I forget why exactly and what book I read it in! 

However, it was basically saying "trying" is kind of like setting yourself up. You either Do or you DO NOT do, there is no try.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

May the force be with you..


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mom6547 said:


> The word "should" is the enemy of marriage.


 Meant to clarify the latter sentence as an 'I' statement 

Oooo ... off topic ... saw 'Suckerpunch' this weekend. Took place at a mental institution in Brattleboro Vermont for incredibly hot, troubled girls, wielding swords and automatic weapons in fishnet stockings. Strangely, or perhaps not so much ... I made that connection to you. I mean the Vermont piece ...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Tool said:


> May the force be with you..


:smthumbup: Yep its a Yoda thing, but I did read it in a book recently that talked about the word "try."


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Meant to clarify the latter sentence as an 'I' statement
> 
> Oooo ... off topic ... saw 'Suckerpunch' this weekend. Took place at a mental institution in Brattleboro Vermont for incredibly hot, troubled girls, wielding swords and automatic weapons in fishnet stockings. Strangely, or perhaps not so much ... I made that connection to you. I mean the Vermont piece ...


LOL! Literally laughing out loud and about to get in trouble at work!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> resentment is a killer....it destroyes sex, and it tears apart trust, without trust there is no initmacy, without intamicy sex is without love, without love, sex is violence..


Couldn't agree more.


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