# divorce filed but i didnt want ti



## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

My wife wanted a divorce she said after she cant handle the controlling issues any longer. Everything in our troubled marriage has been my fault. I am the bad guy and give her some much stress she drinks everyday. I filed for divorce after she told me over and over it was done, she was done, and that she did not want to attend a therapy session I scheduled for us. I didnt want to do it because I dont treat marriage as a commodity and wanted to try everything i could do to prevent our untimely end. Now I just feel horrible. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Has anyone gone through this and thought they made a big mistake for filing?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

You can stop the divorce proceedings at any time. I would just caution that you weigh out all options regarding your marriage honestly prior to doing so. 

The drinking may turn into a severe roadblock in your marriage. If your wife isn't willing to go to MC or IC, getting through this low time in your marriage can prove even more difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Have you been in IC? You mentioned that all of the problems in your marriage were your fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

I have been. Currently she blames me for everything and will not take ownership for any of the so called problems.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lmc1234 said:


> Has anyone gone through this and thought they made a big mistake for filing?


Yes, for different reasons, but she's the one who wanted to end the relationship, just wasn't able to control her own life enough to do anything proactive to make it happen so she just went out partying with her friends all the time, cheating and claiming how miserable in the marriage she was. Filing for D was my way to get out of my limbo, I don't regret it at all even though it was never my desire to divorce her.


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

I asked her about mc and she said no she was done, its over, and she told her friends she was checked out. She has two kids from a previous marriage and I have raised those boys as if my own. I filed for D because i didnt want to have to delay the inevitable. Now i feel like i should have waited to see if she would have done it on her own.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

lmc, sorry to hear of what you're going through. i'm not as far along as you are but have the same feelings. my wife plans on filing in a few weeks and i don't know whether to speed things along or to slow things down in order to heal. wish i had some real advice to give you; all i can offer is sharing in your perspective and to say i'm sorry.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I think you did the right thing. It is so hard right now, I know, but limbo is soooooo much worse. Take it from me, I can't file in my state for a year.  I didn't want a D either, but my stbxh has taken no responsibility for anything, hasn't paid one bill of HIS since he left,and I suspect he is cheating, so in the end D is the better option. You don't want to be strung along...it will be easier for you to heal outside of limbo, trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Let her go. Your wife will do only what she wants to do. 

One day she'll realize her bad choices for what they are/were and come back. But by then, you'll most likely want nothing to do with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Lon said:


> Yes, for different reasons, but she's the one who wanted to end the relationship, just wasn't able to control her own life enough to do anything proactive to make it happen so she just went out partying with her friends all the time, cheating and claiming how miserable in the marriage she was. Filing for D was my way to get out of my limbo, I don't regret it at all even though it was never my desire to divorce her.


It's interesting that she has not filed. But if you file first, it can have it's advantages. Make sure you have a good lawyer.
That was my practically my situation. Everything was great until she confessed her affair and suddenly the marriage has been "damaged" over the last several years. She never owned up to her poor choices & decisions.
I tried MC, meeting her needs, etc. but her heart was no longer into working on the marriage. It took me a year since discovery to finally realize that no matter what I did, she wasn't going to try to work on our marriage. Limbo sucks. So I filed for divorce when I knew I had no regrets in trying to help repair the marriage and that once I made the decision, I would not change my mind. I have now been divorced for a month. Is this something I expected or wanted? No. But I don't regret my decision one bit. You deserve someone that loves you & cares about you. The woman you married is no longer that person. And there are many women out there that will be there for you when you are ready. I wish you the best. Good luck!


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

Thank you for all the feedback. We have only been married 3 years on July 31st. Her second my first. I just look at marriage as the solemn vow and really thought we should try everything to work on repair before the big d. I didnt want the boys to see their father (not me) divorced twice, and their mother divorced twice. Im going through all the heart ache, sad, misery, feeling like a failure things. Their was no infidelity just seems like alot of anger, but you know i never heard her take any ownership into the decline.


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

I know the divorce is in the process, only a few days, but I was thinking of writing her a letter. Im not going to beg for her back, but I want her to read my feelings. I also am trying so hard not to text or drive by our home to see her, man this is so hard.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

If you write the letter, don't send it to her. Keep it, mail it to yourself, or post it here on TAM to vent. Your feelings don't matter anymore. It is all about HER! Selfish people only care about themselves. 

What's the time period between your wife's 1st D and when you all started dating? How long before you were married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

She had been divorced for 2 years. We dated for 18 months. I never wanted this, I never expected this. I am by no way perfect in this marriage, and can accept that I caused some of her hurt by things I said and ways I acted through some of our difficult times. I have been IC and was making headway, but she blew up on me a week ago and just went on this rant about how she was so done with me and wanted a divorce. I told her that we should think about trying to get a third party to discuss why we yell at each other and why we say the things we say, but she was totally numb to it. 

What about the children? If the marriage was able to be fixed, I thought to myself that the boys could be shown that two people can reconcile. A great success story, but it looks as though it will never be given a chance. 

Am i wrong to try and do everything I can even though i filed? Im 37 but have never felt this way about any woman before..


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## curashu (Jul 9, 2012)

Hi Im going through the same my husband wants the divorce and he already filled the divorce ... im reading this Stop your divorce by Homer McDonald and the case against divorce..by diane medvet.

I feel guilty too coz in two years i didnt treat him so well..but now i feel so bad of losing my home and my kids(dogs).

I think with Homer Mc donald is a good book n usefull 

PM if u want Im 27 and i have never felt like that before too ...


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

One day at a time right, I wanted to call her so bad today as well as text and didnt. I also wrote some thoughts and feelings down but didnt mail it. Its been so weird wo her, but what else can i do. 

I am starting to think she is selfish, as i would try anything or seek help for any issue to save this marriage. After all it is a marriage not a bf/gf thing. 

Thanks for the feedback, tomorrow is a new day.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lmc1234 said:


> I have been. Currently she blames me for everything and will not take ownership for any of the so called problems.


What was her childhood like?


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

She came from a divorced family as did I. She was very close to her dad, and said that I was always controllling her. For the past 6 months she has been drinking alot, and when I asked her about it she freaked out and said that she didnt need another daddy. I only asked if everything was ok, and she said she drinks a bottle of wine a day because i give her so much stress.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lmc1234 said:


> She came from a divorced family as did I. She was very close to her dad, and said that I was always controllling her. For the past 6 months she has been drinking alot, and when I asked her about it she freaked out and said that she didnt need another daddy. I only asked if everything was ok, and she said she drinks a bottle of wine a day because i give her so much stress.


What was her childhood like?

Were they emotionally abusive?


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

Her dad no, maybe her mother


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lmc1234 said:


> Her dad no, maybe her mother


She has trouble taking responsibility. She likely had it all blamed on her when young.


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

Its hard for me to answer that, but I feel very comfortable taking some of the blame, but not all of it. It really hurts as the last time we talked I never heard an Im sorry, it was "this divorce is all my fault". Im really trying to figure out how to handle this stuff.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lmc1234 said:


> Its hard for me to answer that, but I feel very comfortable taking some of the blame, but not all of it. It really hurts as the last time we talked I never heard an Im sorry, it was "this divorce is all my fault". Im really trying to figure out how to handle this stuff.


Doesn't sound healthy at all.

But, you will never convince her you are the victim.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> She has trouble taking responsibility. She likely had it all blamed on her when young.


It also sounds like she doesn't have good coping skills...the drinking, the giving up on her (2nd) marriage after only 3 years, and the refusal to seek help in IC/MC.


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

Well no contact yesterday via phone, text, or email. We have some bills due tomorrow and wednesday. How should i reach out to her and let her know i need to make these payments. I was thinking of just sending an email saying i was going to pay three bills online today. When i left on Saturday she kept saying I was going to take all the money and leave her with nothing...really like I have any plans to do that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lmc1234 said:


> Well no contact yesterday via phone, text, or email. We have some bills due tomorrow and wednesday. How should i reach out to her and let her know i need to make these payments. I was thinking of just sending an email saying i was going to pay three bills online today. When i left on Saturday she kept saying I was going to take all the money and leave her with nothing...really like I have any plans to do that.


Just pay the bills, don't say anything to her. If she asks tell her. You should be working on separating your finances, close any joint accounts, begin removing her name from your bills. Has she moved out yet?


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

We only share one joint account and have a savings account. Our divorce was just filed on Friday. I am not going to try and take all the money but i also dont want her to be surprised when she looks at our money and sees 500 gone for bills. 
:scratchhead:


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lmc1234 said:


> We only share one joint account and have a savings account. Our divorce was just filed on Friday. I am not going to try and take all the money but i also dont want her to be surprised when she looks at our money and sees 500 gone for bills.
> :scratchhead:


Just keep accurate records.

I wouldn't pay her to leave you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Why should she be surprised, these are regular expenses are they not? you are worrying way too much about what she thinks right now.


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

So two days of not seeing her and no phone calls. Man yesterday I woke up feeling enlightend. I dont know why but I just felt powerful. I had a great day at work, but then after I started to wonder what she was doing and how she was feeling. Started to feel alone and question things. I am not going to concern myselft anymore on how she is doing and what she is thinking. I am going to create something for myself everyday and embrace the new me. My stbxw can either decide she wants to jump on the train, or the next woman that I fall head over heals for will some how think the ex for helping to create a wonderful new me. I made an appt with IC for Wed. More to come:smthumbup:


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

My wife started blaming me for everything too. I found out she was cheating on me and what she was doing was blame shifting in order to justify her actions as well as relieve herself of the guilt. I'm not saying this is in your situation but you may want to check it out. I tried to work it out with her for over a year but I did end up filing for divorce. It should be final in about 2 months


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

Everything has been going crazy, ive been to Ic session, and Im going again today. I saw my my ex and everything seemed to be cool, we talked at dinner for about 45 minutes. She then started drinking wine and snapped into the devil. My therapist sent some paper work home for me to complete, and asked if she would participate in the Q&A and she did, then started drinking again and snapped. So today she is asking for just about everything...cash, furniture, dog, help with insurance etc. Still im to blame for everything. Love is so hard, this is the first woman i have ever felt this way for..hence the marriage. The hardest part is that someone can just walk away from marriage with no remorse. Ive got to get out of my head and back on track to working on me. She flat out told me that she would go to therapy with me if I paid her for the next couple of months. Is that cold or what? I didnt even ask her to join me. I guess i look at marriage different and believe that for better or worse you do everything you can to keep it going or make an attempt. She is making it all about money, and so now I am just going to try and negotiate the best business deal I can do.


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## lifsuxs (Jul 8, 2012)

I am sorry that you did not want to file. I did not want a divorce either. My husband did and I waited for him to file it. Like you I wanted to reconcile and go MC. My husband wanted out, he moved out and told ME to get a lawyer. 

If your wife wanted to get a divorce and you feel guilty initiating it first, then tell her if she really wants to end the marriage and not seek help then she has to file the divorce papers. This way you won't feel so guilty.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

lmc1234 said:


> Love is so hard, this is the first woman i have ever felt this way for..


Love should not be hard. Love should be easy. 

I don't know if you read the Bible or not (I don't tend to push religion here on TAM for personal reasons), but I know this passage about what _love is_ is quoted quite often when the topic is discussed. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Something to think about.


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

Great reading, and that is so true. We are meeting tomorrow to discuss some options my therapist suggested. He also told me to just sit in my "****" and absorb it. Do not due anything rash or try and make drastic changes, etc..

It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but everyday it is getting easier.


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## lmc1234 (Jul 8, 2012)

oh btw, i suggest IC for anyone on here.


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