# Do you hate sex???



## April04 (Apr 22, 2010)

OK...here it goes...we have been married for 7 years and like most people we had a very hot sex life before we got married and into the first year or two. Now 5 years later I find myself RESENTING sex and resenting my husband for expecting it more than about TWICE A WEEK! Even then, I feel obligated and do it only because if I don't he's a real jackass to live with.

I'm 42, he's 56....I feel like my hormones have gone crazy and I have NO SEX DRIVE whatsoever!! I could live without sex for the rest of my life! I know that sounds crazy, but so true! His sex drive is that of a 15 year old and it makes me CRAZY!! :crazy:

I just don't know how to make myself be more interested....I'm sure there is a lot more stuff that has led to this which only counseling would help, but in the meantime (and we can't really afford it) I need some advice on how to satisfy this man's horrendous sexual needs! He would have sex 3 times a day, everyday if I was game.

I don't care if he jacks off everyday, just don't bother me with it....watch porn, whatever he needs to do, it doesn't upset me.... We've tried "toys" and watching stuff together, but my mind is always somewhere else and surely isn't on sex. When it's 10pm and I crawl in bed, I'm ready to go to sleep, not be groped...

I know how much I sound like a nag, but we actually really love each other and are good to each other. We have a fantastic life and I don't really have many other things to complain about. I just don't know WHERE my drive has gone and if I'll ever get it back.....  I've always said I wish there was a female Viagra!


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I don't know how long you have "given in" to his definition of "enough" and to his libido, but years of that will surely kill your sex drive. Plus, it sounds to me like twice per week would work for you ... so you DO have a sex drive - he's just not letting your mojo have some time to peek through.

Are you at least orgasm'ing when you have sex with him or is he leaving you high and dry?


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## April04 (Apr 22, 2010)

Yes, I do orgasm and it is enjoyable but I'm actually happier when the whole thing is over in like 10 minutes...I say twice a week because I could probably handle that fine but NEVER would be fine with me too. Hmmmm.....it is very frustrating because I do fight this fight (in my mind) quite often. Any help is surely appreciated (on both sides!  )


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## April04 (Apr 22, 2010)

I must add he is very caring when it comes to satisfying me, it's just ME not really ever being in the mood, and that frustrates him more than anything!!

Of course, the weeks when I do feel more sexual and sex is a bit more frequent, he tends to take it all for granted (like that's how it's SUPPOSED to be!) and then throws it in my face later that "you're NEVER in the mood!"..... Urggggggg!! :wtf:


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Have you thought about maybe some hormone replacement therapy? Sometimes during the 40's-50's, the female body loses those hormones that give lubrication and sex drive.

He needs to chill. Does he do things outside the bedroom to keep the romance alive?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I find it kind of amazing you and I have the same kind of issues, we are just on different sides of it. Although, I would be absolutely ecstatic if it was at least once a week, twice a week it would be like heaven for me!

Maybe I can give you some insights into possibly what he is thinking? (again I am only able to make assumptions since I don't know your exact situation or his exact personality).

His reasoning is that whenever he has to always bring it up it may make him feel like you don't care about that aspect of your life together. It's just as important for a man to feel wanted as well in a marriage. While I'm sure he appreciates that you are willing to have sex with him because you know he wants it, it still probably bothers him. More then likely he takes it as rejection your lack of sex drive (in his eyes). I see by your earlier posts he isn't a wham-bam lover and I assume he's doing okay fulfilling your emotional needs? 

But honestly, IMO twice a week should be more then enough to satisfy most men. But again, I'm only speaking from personal opinion, I'm not a Dr. though, so don't quote me on it!


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## LaStrada (Apr 22, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> I would be absolutely ecstatic if it was at least once a week, twice a week it would be like heaven for me!


I have to echo that...I've only be married 6 months, and twice a week would be near record breaking.

If it's not appointment book sex, then perhaps he thinks the frequency at which you already make love is indicative of the fact that you do have a sex drive.

If you're open and honest with him, and he's aware of the issue, then Crypsys makes a good point - He knows it's now become a chore for you and maybe he's looking to try and rekindle something? It might be beyond simple emotional games and a visit to the doctor may at least show him that you do want this to be just a phase.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You should talk to your doctor about your hormones. You might need hormone replacement or perhaps he will have another solution. My hormones were all over the place when I was in my early 30s. Doc told me I could get on the pill to straighten them out, or I could wait and let my hormones get themselves back into whack. I couldn't take birth control pills because they affect my kidneys, so I opted to wait. It didn't take very long, maybe about 6 months and I was feeling myself again. But that could be a long time for your husband. You say you don't want to be bothered and don't care what he does, but I know you don't mean it. At least I hope you don't. There are alternatives you would not like one bit and could prove detrimental to your marriage. Get to the doc, girl. You both deserve the happy and satisfying sex life you previously enjoyed.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have sex just twice a week compared to what's become 2-3 times a month for us! 

So how much sex is he wanting? I mean I could the two of you could come to a compromise possibly? I mean if you're saying you could handle it twice a week (again heaven for me) and he wants it 5-7 times a week, maybe you could talk to him about agreeing to meet in the middle at like 3 times a week or every other day instead? 

See I'm in a slightly different situation where again I would love to have sex 2-3 times a week! And I don't need extended sessions, I can be quite satisfied in 10 minutes or less. So the way I look at it is I'm asking for 20-30 minutes a week from my wife. So can you talk to him about shortening the sessions as well or making some of them 10 minutes or less??

Hormone therapy or something might be worth looking into if this is a newer development for you.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Perhaps a different perspective on it would be good. Ask yourself why are you even having sex? Is it just for the orgasm, or to "make" your partner happy? What are your reasons? Would sex be more meaningful to you if you kept any of the considering in mind? -

- Having sex improves your sense of smell. After sex, production of the hormone prolactin surges which causes stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s olfactory bulb, which is your brain’s smell center.

- Having sex reduces your risk of heart disease. In a 2001 follow-on to the Queens University study mentioned above, researchers focused on cardiovascular health. They found that having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half.

- Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones just about every muscle in the body. A vigorous bout burns some 200 calories–about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill. Sex also boosts production of testosterone, which leads to stronger bones and muscles. Men’s Health magazine has gone so far as to call the bed the single greatest piece of exercise equipment ever invented.

- Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the chemical endorphin into the bloodstream that gives you a sense of euphoria and well-being.

- Sex is a great for relieving pain. Levels of the hormone oxytocin surge to five times their normal level right before you orgasm. The surge of oxytocin releases endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headache, arthritis, and even migraines. For women, sex also prompts production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS and make the whole menstrual process go more smoothly with reduced symptoms. The hormone DHEA also spikes to five times its normal level and this is associated with longevity, enhanced libido, building muscle mass, and warding off depression.

- Sex improves your immune system. Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says people that have sex once or twice a week show a thirty percent higher level of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system.

- Oral sex helps give you healthier teeth. Seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and other minerals shown to retard tooth decay.

- Sex helps keep the prostate healthy. Some urologists believe they see a relationship between infrequency of ejaculation and cancer of the prostate. Be careful with this one guys. Having sex with multiple partners can, all by itself, raise a man’s risk of cancer by up to 40%. That’s because he runs an increased risk of contracting sexual infections. You are better off doing it solo if you don’t have a monogamous partner. A study recently published by the British Journal of Urology International asserts that men in their 20s can reduce their chance of getting prostate cancer by ejaculating more than five times a week by third.

- Sex is the perfect beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth. For both men and women, it reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes, and blemishes due to the sweat that’s produced when you’re engaging in it. It cleanses your pores and makes your skin glowing.

- Sex makes you more attractive. When you are sexually active, your body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones which naturally attract others to you.

- Sex is ten time more effective than valium. It’s the safest tranquilizer in the world.

- Sex helps you breathe better. Sex is a natural antihistamine which helps combat asthma and hay fever.

- Sex helps your intimate relationship. Taking time to create wonderful sexual experiences for your partner increases your emotional, mental, and spiritual bonds with them. Don’t forget those same benefits can be applied to yourself!

- Keeps pelvic floor conditioned, especially important for women to avoid urinary leaks as we age. 

Those are just a few from an article I had written some while back. If you keep any of those things in mind, would it make sex seem a bit more desirable to pursue?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You say you have a great life, but did you ever stop to define if you're actually in the relationship that feeds YOUR soul?

If he isn't meeting your top Emotional Needs, if he is Love Busting you, you will lose desire for him. It's human nature. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out those two questionnaires and both of you fill them out. Learn about each other, so you'll know what to fix.

Also, you say you fall into bed at 10. Why is that? What happens between 6pm and 10pm? Who is doing what? Give us a rundown on what your life is like, for each of you. 

Finally, how much time do you spend together each week doing fun stuff? It should be at least 15 hours a week - non household work, non kids (if you have them), non TV watching, non computer reading...actual time together looking at each other, talking to each other, playing card games together, whatever...15 hours. If you're not getting that kind of time where you 'feel' in love with him, you won't want bedroom time. It's just the way most women work. 

He has to have SF to feel loved. You have to feel loved to have SF. Therefore, if he wants more or better, he needs to pay more attention to YOU. It's in his own best interests.

Finally, you need to be honest. Your marriage will dissolve if you aren't.


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## April04 (Apr 22, 2010)

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone for your insight and help!! It is greatly appreciated!

I do know (but in a great deal of denial) that I am NOT in a relationship that feeds my soul....sad but true. I do have a great life, husband is retired and I do not have to work. We have a beautiful child in elementary school that is everything to us. Divorce is and never will be an option (except for physical abuse). I try to make the best of our relationship, I know deep down I love him very much, I just don't know where the desire I once had for him went! On the surface we look like this perfect couple that I know most of our friends look up to. Truth is I have little to no respect for him, I feel like he really has some strange ideas about things and doesn't really "get it" about most things. I'm not trying to belittle him, just trying to be honest. These are things I could never, ever tell him because I know it would destroy him. We've tried till we're blue in the face to have talks and lay things on the table but it always ends up in a fight because he talks in circles and NEVER understands what I'm trying to say.

As far as our life, he is very generous with everything, but in so many ways I feel empty. I am very much the woman who has to _feel the love_ to _make love_...

Our sex life (what little there is) has become very very routine, boring and lifeless. We fantasize about the same people/things every time and it just about makes me want to throw up when he ejaculates (that might be a whole other book!) :circle:

So you see, it's a list of things that go into this. I just really don't know where to start because if I could, I would LOVE to have my drive and desire back.....

All of your help has been so appreciated!! I have nowhere else to turn.... Please keep the ideas coming! :smthumbup:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...do you want to focus on fixing your marriage, so the sex will come, or do you want to ignore the big pink elephant and just try to ramp up your sex?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

April04 said:


> [Our sex life (what little there is) has become very very routine, boring and lifeless. We fantasize about the same people/things every time and it just about makes me want to throw up when he ejaculates (that might be a whole other book!) :circle:
> 
> So you see, it's a list of things that go into this. I just really don't know where to start because if I could, I would LOVE to have my drive and desire back.....


 WOW, so it sounds to me, this has little to do with YOUR hormones, or even sex. BUt the lack of emotional connection/fullfillment you have towards him. 

You mention you no longer have any respect for him, you can't honestly communicate what you feel or think to him , either your words would destroy him or he turns everything you say around & doesnt "get it". 

And you are the type who has to FEEL the love to make love. This thread should more be about getting the LOVE back on track, not so much hating SEX. 

Does HE know or care that you are feeling EMPTY inside? Have you tried to share this with him in a way to NOT put him on the defensive? Are you still physically attracted to him ? (I see he is many years older than you).

Why have you lost all respect for him? What has changed over the years?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

April04 said:


> I do know (but in a great deal of denial) that I am NOT in a relationship that feeds my soul....sad but true.
> 
> I try to make the best of our relationship, I know deep down I love him very much, I just don't know where the desire I once had for him went! On the surface we look like this perfect couple that I know most of our friends look up to. Truth is I have little to no respect for him, I feel like he really has some strange ideas about things and doesn't really "get it" about most things. I'm not trying to belittle him, just trying to be honest. These are things I could never, ever tell him because I know it would destroy him. We've tried till we're blue in the face to have talks and lay things on the table but it always ends up in a fight because he talks in circles and NEVER understands what I'm trying to say.
> 
> ...


Well..there's your problem. The sex is the tip of the iceberg. Most times that's how it is. It was for me. My marriage stunk and my feelings for my husband were those of anger and resentment and guess what? The sex stunk too! This isn't mere coincidence. Once my marriage got better suddenly we had a great sex life. So now comes the hard part..

Why do you feel this way about your husband and more importantly, how do you go about fixing this? There's no reason to live like this and neither of you deserve this situation. 

I would say that you are in need of some couples therapy. With a third party involved you may be able to open up to your husband and he may be able to listen without it blowing up into a major fight. Also, perhaps you need to explore some therapy on your own. It sounds like you have some issues to work out for yourself. Why don't you respect your husband? Why do you feel so much revulsion for him? Why do you feel so empty inside. Until you deal with all this you certainly aren't going to desire him. If you aren't happy yourself, then you certainly can't provide either emotional or physical happiness to someone else. 

You are looking at things backwards. It's not the sex that's the problem, it's the problems that are causing the lack of sex.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> But honestly, IMO twice a week should be more then enough to satisfy most men. But again, I'm only speaking from personal opinion, I'm not a Dr. though, so don't quote me on it!


Ehhhhnnnnnntttt!!!

That Family Feud strike aside. . .

I am gong to depart from the psychobabble here and prescribe the best therapy for what I think is therapy for you.

Your husband should leave you for a year and let you mull things over - your respect for him and him "just not getting it." Maybe you "don't get it" but yet he still wants to be intimate with you, doesn't he?

You sound spoiled to me.

I know this isn't very supportive and I really try to support other around here and beleive it or not, I am supporting you in my own kind of screwball way but let's dissect this:

1. He provides well for you.
2. I assume he's a good father.
3. He finds you attractive enough to want to have sex with you at 42 years old.
4. I assume he doesn't lay around and just fart and eat grilled cheese sandwiches.

I'll tell you. . .I really never ever got the idea behind mail order brides but in a way, I kind of get it (not that I would do it, but I am just saying I get it). Men get tired of the entitlement attitude from American women and just toss in the towel and go take a young bride out of poverty and get some amount of appreciation and respect.

I think you need to be reminded (we all do, so it's nothing personal) it's a privledge to married to someone.


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## April04 (Apr 22, 2010)

First off, THANK YOU again for all of your input and ideas! It is truly enlightening to hear everything from a different prospective.

Scanerguard, I really think you're out of line making the statement that I'm spoiled when you have no earthly idea what I have put up with for the past 12 years with this man. No physical abuse but surely the guilt trips, "give me sex or I'll be a jerk for 3 days".... I'm no angel and I surely have my faults but to say I'm spoiled is missing it by a long shot. I know this what forums are all about and I appreciate everyone's input...if I didn't I would have never laid this all out on the table.

I couldn't agree more with everyone else when you say issues in our marriage is the problem, not the sex....I do feel empty inside (sometimes, not always, I'm generally a very happy person) but NO I do not connect with him as I'd like.

There is no marriage that's perfect and EVERYONE in this world has issues from family interference, financially and infidelity.

I AM proud and happy that he finds me attractive at 42 (gee! Am I an old geezerd???) but that has never been a doubt in my mind. He has always been attracted to me and loved me through many things.

Where did I lose my respect for him through the years?? Hmmmm......maybe it's his inability or lack of desire to draw boundaries with his 2 grown girls....maybe it's that I don't think of things the same as I did 15 years ago, my thoughts have matured and it seems like his never have. He has taken many things I've said when we try to talk things out and thrown them in my face and says "he don't get it"....

Yes, I'm sure we need couples therapy and I would love to when we can afford it....most places I've checked into run about $150/session. For now I really need to come up with a way to discuss things without it ending up in a heated discussion with him completely missing my point!

THANK YOU for your insight, you have given me many things to think about!! :smthumbup:


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