# Did it finally happen, did I finally break?



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I haven't posted consistently for a while, but most should be familar with my story, so I won't rehash anything. Basically we live as roommates, that share a house & bed, no romance, touching etc. Her daughter and granddaughter also live with us and that is her whole world. I've been getting the left overs for several years now.

Anyway, something happened this past weekend, another "hello" moment for me on how my wife really feels about us, but afterwards I felt different, a familiar sharp pain and then nothing.

Ever since then, I don't think about her, spend any time with her, still civil and respectful, but not really friendly, most devout of all emotion?
I've never felt this way before, I look at her, but I see right through her and feel nothing, she is just a person now.

My counselor told me 5 years a go that at some point that this would happen, but I didn't really believe it.

I'm hoping with the emotional connection all but gone, that living with her will be a lot easier, I still have no desire to open my heart again to anyone else, twice is more than enough!

Anyone one else experience this feeling???


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Don't know your back story but, no, living with her isn't going to get any easier just because you've been able to emotionally detach.

Well let me rephrase that. It will be a bit easier but life will still suck.

Don't know why you haven't divorced and found your own place and your own life with the possibility of meeting someone with whom you can be comfortable, love, trust, etc, but I'm sure you have your reasons.

You couldn't pay me enough to have stayed with my now exwife. Life is so much better now, and back then.. I was stuck in a downward spiral. You may not be spiraling downwards but you're certainly stuck in neutral with no good prospects for improvement as long as you are both living under the same roof.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I've been in a peaks and valleys downward spiral for several years now, so things could only get better.

I'm 51, got married at 22 & 32 and have no desire to be in any more relationships. I've been on disability for 8 years, so the financial situation would be very difficult and my wife, having to take care of her daughter and granddaughter, would be rough on her too. Together, with both of our incomes we live pretty comfortably. Nice house, neighborhood, maxi scooters and a nice savings account. Maybe not great reasons to sacrifice possible happiness, but at this stage in life, it is for me. I have other interests and hobbies that keep me busy and my wife and I get along fine.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Warrior,
you are assuming your wife will want to stay with you. If you are unhappy, she is unhappy. She might decide to leave you and find love. Then, you will leave all the commodities behind.

I feel sorry for you. Hope your life gets happier and you find love, if not with your wife, find love in other forms.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

woundedwarrior said:


> Anyone one else experience this feeling???


I did indeed. It took me probably two years of 180, and it happened.

Nice feeling, huh?

Congratulations!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I would like to point out that if you are that concerned with being detached, you are not nearly as detached as you believe yourself to be.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I also experienced the same thing - wake up the day after an awesome but infrequent encounter and felt a huge void, like the whole thing was completely meaningless - more of a "what am I doing here" moment than anything else. Never had a true ONS but I really think that's what it was...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I did indeed. It took me probably two years of 180, and it happened.
> 
> Nice feeling, huh?
> 
> Congratulations!


And yet you stay, instead of moving yourself on to a better life.

The number of men on this board who purposely stay in dead marriages is truly staggering.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> And yet you stay, instead of moving yourself on to a better life.
> 
> The number of men on this board who purposely stay in dead marriages is truly staggering.


I think for many guys such as the OP and myself, we stay because financially we can't do otherwise. It becomes something you're just forced to just deal with, not a choice.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

At some point that puts a price on happiness, does it not?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> And yet you stay, instead of moving yourself on to a better life.
> 
> The number of men on this board who purposely stay in dead marriages is truly staggering.


Good physical reason. I also see (much less) disability as a reason not to walk. 

For every man in a dead marriage there is a Woman who is happy to keep him there. If she wanted a younger healthier man who had emotion for her she could find one, but she would have to put out. She would have to have enough self confidence to shop. She would have to wear make up. She would have to care. and So on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Good physical reason. I also see (much less) disability as a reason not to walk.
> 
> For every man in a dead marriage there is a Woman who is happy to keep him there. If she wanted a younger healthier man who had emotion for her she could find one, but she would have to put out. She would have to have enough self confidence to shop. She would have to wear make up. She would have to care. and So on.


So as long as another person is using you for their own comfort, be it physical or financial, then that makes it ok...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> At some point that puts a price on happiness, does it not?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Not if he has to live in a van down by the river.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Not if he has to live in a van down by the river.


In that instance I could see a pragmatic choice being made.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

3X, I think we are slapping sarcasm back and forth here. 

WW's spouse is perfectly happy to spend her time and emotion on her progeny. He is happy to share living accommodations with them. But calling the situation a marriage, or even Good is untrue.

The same is true of my situation. Every so often, I detach and wonder why I am there. It causes all kinds of painful emotion. But I have no where to go, and for some unfathomable reason, Mrs Nail thinks having me around makes her happy. We talked last night. Renewed the empty commitments to do better, and to remember promises. It will all be forgotten before she sleeps tonight. I no longer think it is a lie. I fully believe that she does intend to to love me. I'll probably die before she get's around to it.

There is something broken in my personality. I'm faithful. I've never sold a car. I drive them until they are unfixable then I junk them. I have an extra vehicle right now that I haven't put the for sale sign on since November. I suppose that is why I don't divorce. It's just not me. 

On the days I feel like WW and have no love left, I just go on out of inertia. Sure I keep fiddling with it but it really doesn't run better for long.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

I am pretty sure the OP has made his own reasoned decision on why to stay in the marriage. Don't see how the repeated "dump her" posts are actually helpful in that light. 

OP, if you are committed to stay, and if the spark is completely gone, have you considered:

(1) sleeping in separate beds, and
(2) telling your wife that since there is no intimacy remaining with her, that you intend to seek it outside the relationship, preferably with her blessing?

You could agree to separate and cohabitate but not divorce, if that makes #2 easier.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There is ALWAYS somewhere you can go, that is an empty excuse. It just means that staying put is the "easier" option than making the effort to find a way out. Women use that excuse all the time to stay in their miserable marriages..."I have no where to go." Easier to just maintain familiar suffering than to put forth effort. As the old saying goes, where there is a will, theres a way, and the way doesn't usually drop into your lap. 

I do admire your faithfulness, but it does not seem to be serving you in this situation, sad to say. You deserve better for yourself. All of you do!

"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you."


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

life isn't just about whether some chick is into you.

just like you may tolerate a job that is less than perfect because, on balance, it gets you what you need, you may do the same in your domestic life.

the trick is, if you've made this calculation, to accept it for what it is instead of what you wish it would be.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I have a friend whose husband is a complete psycho. I have seen it. His mother is bat **** crazy. If she left him, she would not be able to insulate the kids from Dad and the G'ma. Staying, she has control over how much influence they have in the kids' lives. It is worth it to her to stick it out until the youngest is 18. I can't argue with that choice. 

You see men go from daily contact and engagement with their kids to every other weekend. If they decide to stay in order to not interfere with parenting their children, I would not argue with that.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Not if he has to live in a van down by the river.


I live on a boat in a harbour. Is that the same?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Depressing thread to read. Glad I divorced at 34 and got out while I was still young.

If I was the OP, I'd have an affair. Once you start having great sex, you will kick yourself in the nuts for living sexless for so long.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Being faithful is generally considered a positive trait, but I wasn't being sarcastic when I said something was broken. Back to the vehicle example. It is sitting there losing value every month. I could sell it and earn a bit of interest on that money. But I don't emotionally want to give it up. Relatives are talking about buying it, because they know I won't do the smart thing ans sell it to some teen who needs affordable transportation to his first job.

The Marriage is a more complicated issue. But there is no possibility of Child Support and Mrs Nail makes more than me. 

I like what you are saying about somewhere to go. Yes indeed I could put a roof over my head in a Day. The real question is Someone.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Being faithful is generally considered a positive trait, but I wasn't being sarcastic when I said something was broken. Back to the vehicle example. It is sitting there losing value every month. I could sell it and earn a bit of interest on that money. But I don't emotionally want to give it up. Relatives are talking about buying it, because they know I won't do the smart thing ans sell it to some teen who needs affordable transportation to his first job.
> 
> The Marriage is a more complicated issue. But there is no possibility of Child Support and Mrs Nail makes more than me.
> 
> I like what you are saying about somewhere to go. Yes indeed I could put a roof over my head in a Day. The real question is Someone.


SOMEONE is a question?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> Depressing thread to read. Glad I divorced at 34 and got out while I was still young.
> 
> If I was the OP, I'd have an affair. Once you start having great sex, you will kick yourself in the nuts for living sexless for so long.


I think it's one of those things where there is no perfect outcome.

Each path has plusses and minuses.

A lot of different outcomes are justifiable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> There is ALWAYS somewhere you can go, that is an empty excuse. It just means that staying put is the "easier" option than making the effort to find a way out. Women use that excuse all the time to stay in their miserable marriages..."I have no where to go." Easier to just maintain familiar suffering than to put forth effort. As the old saying goes, where there is a will, theres a way, and the way doesn't usually drop into your lap.
> 
> I do admire your faithfulness, but it does not seem to be serving you in this situation, sad to say. You deserve better for yourself. All of you do!
> 
> "Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you."


When you say there is always somewhere *you *can go, do you mean: "there is always somewhere *I* can go" and then extrapolate that to: "There is always somewhere *everyone* can go?"

Because that might not always be true for everyone.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm having trouble being clear. Leaving, moving out or filing a formal separation. Sure the time is ripe. Penalty is low. But, reward is also low. In fact all I would gain is not having to see what I am missing every day. That would be good, but I would not be getting what I am missing, I would still be loveless. Physically I have somewhere to go. 

I do not have someone to go to. I have little desire to start over. I'm 50. A new wife, a new bond, a new child to cement the bond. All of that I'm not interested in. It took decades to get to where I was. I'd like to be there. I wonder if in getting to there I created a person she no longer is attracted to. I wonder if there is anyone who would be. So the question is not where to go. But to which relationship to go. I haven't seen anything I want.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm having trouble being clear. Leaving, moving out or filing a formal separation. Sure the time is ripe. Penalty is low. But, reward is also low. In fact all I would gain is not having to see what I am missing every day. That would be good, but I would not be getting what I am missing, I would still be loveless. Physically I have somewhere to go.
> 
> I do not have someone to go to. I have little desire to start over. I'm 50. A new wife, a new bond, a new child to cement the bond. All of that I'm not interested in. It took decades to get to where I was. I'd like to be there. I wonder if in getting to there I created a person she no longer is attracted to. I wonder if there is anyone who would be. So the question is not where to go. But to which relationship to go. I haven't seen anything I want.


Ah, so your mindset is that you MUST be in a relationship for life to have any kind of meaning. Not true. Being on your own, especially after being in an unhappy situation for so long, is empowering and pretty damn amazing. You don't NEED another person to have a fulfilling life. In fact, if you cant thrive on your own, then another person isn't going to make your life complete. That's too tall an order for ANYONE really. 

You should give yourself more credit.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Interesting theory, I've never lived that way. I can be alone here. I'm not interested in thriving alone.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm having trouble being clear. Leaving, moving out or filing a formal separation. Sure the time is ripe. Penalty is low. But, reward is also low. In fact all I would gain is not having to see what I am missing every day. That would be good, but I would not be getting what I am missing, I would still be loveless. Physically I have somewhere to go.
> 
> I do not have someone to go to. I have little desire to start over. I'm 50. A new wife, a new bond, a new child to cement the bond. All of that I'm not interested in. It took decades to get to where I was. I'd like to be there. I wonder if in getting to there I created a person she no longer is attracted to. *I wonder if there is anyone who would be.* So the question is not where to go. But to which relationship to go. I haven't seen anything I want.


:frown2:

Get this out of your head! I've said this many many many times. My IC said to get this thought out of my head. This cannot be a blocking point for getting out of a relationship or from trying to start a new one. 

I'm not afraid of being alone, if I end up divorcing...but once I got this thought out of my head...the realization of being alone wasn't so scary because I have ME!

Work on you! I have and I can tell you..It's enlightening!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Yes. 

From one person who broke awhile ago, to someone else who just realized it, yes. You finally snapped. 

And something I've noticed:
You (or at least, I) can't look back in life and point to an exact moment where you finally snapped. Where you finally went over the cliff. You'll see the painful memories, but you won't know which one finally made you break. 

And the apathy you are feeling, is like a cancer (or it was for me). It works its way into several relationships in your life that it shouldn't. Before too long, it's all you feel (at least, it's all I can feel)


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Mr. Nails observations are just about dead on to my situation. She is completely and totally happy and now even more so with her brood back living with us again. I've lost track of how many times I've asked her if she is happy or not and it is always a resounding "yes".
I think sometimes you make decisions that you shouldn't have and you're stuck with them. 10 years a go when things starting going really south with us, we sold our home to find another one with less steps, it was a bi level and really aggravating our knees daily. Every fiber of me told me to take this opportunity and move to separate places and try to work things out again, but instead, we bought another house, with me thinking, new house, new neighborhood, new start?
I've been on disability for 8 years now and with the nearly 2K a month I bring in, would struggle on my own, if not even survive? My wife makes about 45K a year and would be fine, if not for having to support two others. The difference between a one bedroom and a 3 bedroom place is huge, and the only way any of this would be possible is if we sold our house first.

I haven't given up on getting out of here, in fact that is in my every thought now, unlike my previous posts, where I just surrendered. The best case scenario is to keep their lives the same, our finances the same and add a place for me and that is my goal. She would still be fine and I would feel like I a man again. Divorcing would be pointless, because I have NO DESIRE to ever give up my heart again, twice is plenty.

So I believe in the "where there's a will, there is a way", but short of moving back with my parents again, I had to for a year after my first divorce, because my child support was so high for our two sons and I got stuck with most of her debt, since I made more and I had a great attorney, my own Dad. Courts love women/mothers. Anyway, choosing to move back with my parents again would make me feel less like a man, than I already do, so not an option.

Like Mr. Nail, I'm 51 and feel like I wasted 28 of those years on marriages with nothing to show and all for doing all of the right things.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Im not sure where you live WW, but I make only 2K a month, and I manage to make it. Is it tight? Hell yes it is, but I get things taken care of. Just thought I'd put it out there that it can be done.  As far as your W's income, if she is choosing to support others on what she makes, then that's her problem. (once you leave, I mean) 

I just want everyone to be happy.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> Mr. Nails observations are just about dead on to my situation. She is completely and totally happy and now even more so with her brood back living with us again. *I've lost track of how many times I've asked her if she is happy or not and it is always a resounding "yes".*
> I think sometimes you make decisions that you shouldn't have and you're stuck with them. 10 years a go when things starting going really south with us, we sold our home to find another one with less steps, it was a bi level and really aggravating our knees daily. Every fiber of me told me to take this opportunity and move to separate places and try to work things out again, but instead, we bought another house, with me thinking, new house, new neighborhood, new start?
> I've been on disability for 8 years now and with the nearly 2K a month I bring in, would struggle on my own, if not even survive? My wife makes about 45K a year and would be fine, if not for having to support two others. The difference between a one bedroom and a 3 bedroom place is huge, and the only way any of this would be possible is if we sold our house first.
> 
> ...


It's a pretty sobering realization that she is fully content, safe, secure, happy, likely more so than she's ever been in her whole life, and that she loves you more deeply than she's ever loved anything, and yet, at the same time, doesn't really want you...I am feeling the beginning twinges of this myself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It has been a while, but what are her justifications for not taking care of your sexual needs?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It's a pretty sobering realization that she is fully content, safe, secure, happy, likely more so than she's ever been in her whole life, and that she loves you more deeply than she's ever loved anything, and yet, at the same time, doesn't really want you...I am feeling the beginning twinges of this myself.


I hate to read that Sam, you guys have been so amazing.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Im not sure where you live WW, but I make only 2K a month, and I manage to make it. Is it tight? Hell yes it is, but I get things taken care of. Just thought I'd put it out there that it can be done.  As far as your W's income, if she is choosing to support others on what she makes, then that's her problem. (once you leave, I mean)
> 
> I just want everyone to be happy.


Thanks, that's good to know, I'm in Southern Ohio.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> It has been a while, but what are her justifications for not taking care of your sexual needs?


I think a lot of it was the old "bait & switch". She was a nympho for about the first 5 years of our marriage and then she dwindled. She admitted to me in 2013 that a lot of her sex drive was attributed to the thought of having a baby with me, we both have kids from our exs.
When she realized that wasn't going to happen, she lost interest.

She claims she's never been really into sex, never owned a vibrator and doesn't care if she orgasms or not?

She would give in to me, but it was all "duty", very little emotion, all basic, no oral and "lets make this quick, I'm very tired".
I lost desire in that, it was hurtful and insulting. It's been several months.


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