# New and considering divorce



## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

I am new to this. I am having issues with in my marriage and considering divorce after 15 years. I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him. He is a good man on paper, doesn't abuse drug/alcohol, doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse me, keeps a steady job, but we have always had a sexless marriage and he has doesn't buy me gifts on special occasions, or just whenever, he doesn't tell me I am pretty, he doesn't compliment me at all. I feel like I live with a friend and roommate. He is not guy, I have asked, he doesn't watch porn or look at other women. He doesn't even service himself. He asks for thing for him on holidays and for his birthday, but he never asks me what or if I want something. Now he doesn't listen to me when we are talking. I start telling a story and he walks away. Then when I point out these behaviors telling him how they make me feel, he talks over me, tells me I leave the cupboards open, I don't put things away, and how he feels he has no control over things. Honestly, I can say that the control part is not true, and when I ask him about it later, he always apologizes, he says he only says those things to hurt me. If you love someone, why do you want to hurt them. Today he said he was no apart of choosing our new home that he had no control over where we lived. I told him he was part of every step, I reminded him how he played a part. Then he said, oh yeah, I remember, my bad. Sorry. I grew up with domestic violence and as an adult I went to 3 years of counseling. I try to always be fair and ask him to be included in every decision. I always talk in "I feel" verbiage, but now I am feeling angry and resentful. He mentioned counseling to fix us, but I do not think he will change and I don't want to be the idiot who stayed and is unhappy. It's not fair to either of us. I don't know what to do. I am married but lonely and sad. I am lost and I have no real friends or family. My family was toxic and my best friend is his mother, who set us up, and the other friend I would turn to has passed away. I am a quiet woman, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs and I have some health issues that keep me from over eating. I eat clean good food and I go to the gym 5 times a week. I am 51 and only have 1 grown child, a son. Without my husband I would be pretty much alone. I would lose my best friend in the divorce. I am lonely now too. I want to be loved. I want to hold hands. I want to be treated like I am special. Before anyone asks, I used to try to initiate sex, now I don't, it doesn't matter, it only happens every 5 to six months after a fight about it. I buy him surprises and gift all the time. Nothing is reciprocal and it is gotten to the point that I can no longer excuse the behavior.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You say he is not gay. Assuming you know this for sure, then how about his testosterone levels?


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> You say he is not gay. Assuming you know this for sure, then how about his testosterone levels?


He has decided to have those checked this coming Monday. He made the appointment last Thursday when I said I had enough and wanted a divorce. I have never asked for one before. He also made an appointment with a counselor for the 17th. He want to try and fix whatever could be his issue. I hope it we can truly work it out this time. We are talking right now, and after 15 years, he opened up, he never told anyone before. He was molested as a child. So, we have some things to work on. I have an answer and he has finally taken the load off of his shoulders. He has carried that violation for 48 years. Never told anyone but me. We both cried and maybe this could be the turning g point.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

This is a big deal. I hope there’s still time and desire to help him and your marriage.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

That is a big deal. He needs help.


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> That is a big deal. He needs help.


He does and we are looking for someone he can talk to and not just a marriage counselor. He needs to have help for this alone. I grew up with domestic violence and went to some for 3 years, 25 years ago. It really helped me to navigate my life and gave me tools to cope. I know he needs to talk to someone for himself. That's an awful burden for someone to carry all these years. It ruins all your relationships and tears you apart inside. I had a crisis team come out yesterday, we are looking into EMDR therfore him. I don't know if these steps will save our marriage. But I love him and want him to be happy and healthy, even if that means without me. I hope and pray that what we are doing helps us grow together, but there are no guarantees. It was like he dropped a bomb. Sexual molestation is such a violation of one's soul. Not sure what the end will be, but I am happy he felt like he could finally share that, and I am honored he trusted me enough.


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## LonlyNoMore (May 7, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> This is a big deal. I hope there’s still time and desire to help him and your marriage.


For me, there is. This was a bombshell to say the least. We got a crisis team out yesterday and he is looking into EMDR therapy. (I think I got the letters right). Not sure how we will end, but he needs help and trusted me enough to finally unload, I think that says something about our friendship. I guess we never truly know our spouse and what they are thinking or going through themselves, even when we think we do. We are going to work.on this and see how this ends up. I just wish I had known sooner. Our society has taught men not to talk and to suck it up. That is such an injustice. We as humans have the same feelings and need to be able to work through them. My husband says he has always felt like less of a man because of this and never received help. It's a travesty.


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## Monicaj (Sep 29, 2021)

LonlyNoMore said:


> He has decided to have those checked this coming Monday. He made the appointment last Thursday when I said I had enough and wanted a divorce. I have never asked for one before. He also made an appointment with a counselor for the 17th. He want to try and fix whatever could be his issue. I hope it we can truly work it out this time. We are talking right now, and after 15 years, he opened up, he never told anyone before. He was molested as a child. So, we have some things to work on. I have an answer and he has finally taken the load off of his shoulders. He has carried that violation for 48 years. Never told anyone but me. We both cried and maybe this could be the turning g point.


Never told anyone but me


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## Monicaj (Sep 29, 2021)

Monicaj said:


> Never told anyone but me


Oh sorry I'm new at this not sure how to navigate around yet. But I just wanted to say I think you have made a breakthrough. His is really good for your marriage. Unfortunate for him what happened in his childhood but it's definitely a path to healing. You guys both sound like good people. Good luck!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I hope you can both work through this. You seem to really care about each other. 
They is child sexual abuse in my family, it's just horrible.


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## This too shell pass (Oct 1, 2021)

LonlyNoMore said:


> I am new to this. I am having issues with in my marriage and considering divorce after 15 years. I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him. He is a good man on paper, doesn't abuse drug/alcohol, doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse me, keeps a steady job, but we have always had a sexless marriage and he has doesn't buy me gifts on special occasions, or just whenever, he doesn't tell me I am pretty, he doesn't compliment me at all. I feel like I live with a friend and roommate. He is not guy, I have asked, he doesn't watch porn or look at other women. He doesn't even service himself. He asks for thing for him on holidays and for his birthday, but he never asks me what or if I want something. Now he doesn't listen to me when we are talking. I start telling a story and he walks away. Then when I point out these behaviors telling him how they make me feel, he talks over me, tells me I leave the cupboards open, I don't put things away, and how he feels he has no control over things. Honestly, I can say that the control part is not true, and when I ask him about it later, he always apologizes, he says he only says those things to hurt me. If you love someone, why do you want to hurt them. Today he said he was no apart of choosing our new home that he had no control over where we lived. I told him he was part of every step, I reminded him how he played a part. Then he said, oh yeah, I remember, my bad. Sorry. I grew up with domestic violence and as an adult I went to 3 years of counseling. I try to always be fair and ask him to be included in every decision. I always talk in "I feel" verbiage, but now I am feeling angry and resentful. He mentioned counseling to fix us, but I do not think he will change and I don't want to be the idiot who stayed and is unhappy. It's not fair to either of us. I don't know what to do. I am married but lonely and sad. I am lost and I have no real friends or family. My family was toxic and my best friend is his mother, who set us up, and the other friend I would turn to has passed away. I am a quiet woman, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs and I have some health issues that keep me from over eating. I eat clean good food and I go to the gym 5 times a week. I am 51 and only have 1 grown child, a son. Without my husband I would be pretty much alone. I would lose my best friend in the divorce. I am lonely now too. I want to be loved. I want to hold hands. I want to be treated like I am special. Before anyone asks, I used to try to initiate sex, now I don't, it doesn't matter, it only happens every 5 to six months after a fight about it. I buy him surprises and gift all the time. Nothing is reciprocal and it is gotten to the point that I can no longer excuse the behavior.


First you are making accuses for his behavior he should live to make you feel beautiful he should spoil you with flowers and gifts if financially viable. He is looking at you but he is not seeing you as the women that you are. Sex is very important in a marriage and needed by both parties if one neglects the other the things happen. You married am man and he should be a man. So you must figure out i what you want going forward.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LonlyNoMore said:


> I am new to this. I am having issues with in my marriage and considering divorce after 15 years. I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him. He is a good man on paper, doesn't abuse drug/alcohol, doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse me, keeps a steady job, but we have always had a sexless marriage and he has doesn't buy me gifts on special occasions, or just whenever, he doesn't tell me I am pretty, he doesn't compliment me at all. I feel like I live with a friend and roommate. He is not guy, I have asked, he doesn't watch porn or look at other women. He doesn't even service himself. He asks for thing for him on holidays and for his birthday, but he never asks me what or if I want something. Now he doesn't listen to me when we are talking. I start telling a story and he walks away. Then when I point out these behaviors telling him how they make me feel, he talks over me, tells me I leave the cupboards open, I don't put things away, and how he feels he has no control over things. Honestly, I can say that the control part is not true, and when I ask him about it later, he always apologizes, he says he only says those things to hurt me. If you love someone, why do you want to hurt them. Today he said he was no apart of choosing our new home that he had no control over where we lived. I told him he was part of every step, I reminded him how he played a part. Then he said, oh yeah, I remember, my bad. Sorry. I grew up with domestic violence and as an adult I went to 3 years of counseling. I try to always be fair and ask him to be included in every decision. I always talk in "I feel" verbiage, but now I am feeling angry and resentful. He mentioned counseling to fix us, but I do not think he will change and I don't want to be the idiot who stayed and is unhappy. It's not fair to either of us. I don't know what to do. I am married but lonely and sad. I am lost and I have no real friends or family. My family was toxic and my best friend is his mother, who set us up, and the other friend I would turn to has passed away. I am a quiet woman, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs and I have some health issues that keep me from over eating. I eat clean good food and I go to the gym 5 times a week. I am 51 and only have 1 grown child, a son. Without my husband I would be pretty much alone. I would lose my best friend in the divorce. I am lonely now too. I want to be loved. I want to hold hands. I want to be treated like I am special. Before anyone asks, I used to try to initiate sex, now I don't, it doesn't matter, it only happens every 5 to six months after a fight about it. I buy him surprises and gift all the time. Nothing is reciprocal and it is gotten to the point that I can no longer excuse the behavior.


I’m a man, and all I can say is I think you are a reasonable person and although it sucks to see people divorce, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in expecting to have a romantic partner in a marriage and not a roommate.
I’d say even if he started having sex with you, he’d go back to zero when he was secure again. I wish I had more help to offer. I think you are being fair in what you’re considering.


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