# HELP! My wife's forgetfulness is driving me nuts!



## married2myBF (Apr 11, 2012)

Hello. My wife and i are newlyweds going on 6 months, however we've been in eachother's company 24-7 since March 2013, traveling and working together on the road.

We are very much in love and i'm crazy about her. But since this is my second marriage, i'm trying my best to not let little things put a distance between us by allowing resentment to build, which i know, can kill a relationship.

She's the girl of my dreams in EVERY WAY, except, she's one of the most mindless people i've ever met. She's very smart, and has way more practical wisdom than me, but she's almost never present. This leads her to constantly forget things and lose things.

On almost a weekly basis, she leaves her phone somewhere. I'm writing this because, just an hour ago, she again left her phone behind while we were walking through a casino. Just last week, she left her phone in an airport restroom. Each time, she's been very lucky in that someone turns the lost item in and she recovers it, though not without the stress upon her and myself while we run around looking for the thing.

She tells me to get used to it, since before we met she tells me she had lost 10 phones, and 8 purses in 1 year!

It's not just personal items she forgets. I have to retell stories to her on a regular basis, reminding her of who certain people are, what they did, repeating myself again and again.

I totally understand her, being a scatter-brained artist myself. I used to be like that way back in college when i was working full time and attending college full time. I lost things and forgot things all the time back then.

However, our lives as traveling artists is relatively worry free. We're either driving, doing art, or exploring some wilderness somewhere.

I dont know what to do. I get stressed and usually give her a hard time for it. i've even resorted to telling her she's going to have to deal with the lost stuff herself without my help just so i dont enable the behavior, ( though i always to an extent lend her a hand, i do love her afterall ) but the other stuff, like forgetting stories, people and details just cant be overlooked.

Anyone have any experience with this that has had a positive outcome?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So find ways to address her issues... 

For example purses with a long strap so she can wear them over the shoulder or across her chest.

Or a fanny pack. For years I used a fanny pack when I went places like the store so that I would not forget it. It's also very hard for someone to lift a fanny pack. Before you say that they are not stylish enough.. there are some very pretty, ones on the market.. even some that go with a ballroom gown.

For her phone....You can get phone sized purse like bags that she can wear around her neck. Some have room in them for credit crads, etc.. kinda like a wallet.

I would never, ever go into a place like a casino with a purse that I had to carry. They are way too easy to leave behind. Plus, casinos always have a few very good pick pocket types wandering around just waiting for a woman to put her bag down.

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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Was she this forgetful when you two were dating?

Ok, forgetfulness is not on par with cheating, but some remorsefulness is in order here. Cellphones aren't cheap and if someone uses it make a lot of phone calls, imagine the bills that you could be stuck with.

Also, I find forgetfulness can be a tool of passive aggression. Anyone who does not want to do something, oh well, they forgot. 

My fiance tried twice some form of the "you didn't remind me enough" routine. We've gone over this enough, he won't want to forget.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've had to deal with a partner who can't remember many things. He apparently used to have an excellent memory but was in a motorcycle accident which caused him to have fairly poor short term memory. It seems pretty selective though, and he remembers a great deal of stuff he'd learnt about before the accident, that's all still there.

Anyway, it's frustrating. There's a few things I've had to do in order to adjust over the years. Moving things once he's learnt where they go causes problems between us. Changing routines once he's gotten used to them causes problems. Everything has to be written down. He can't be sent to the shops to get two items without a list, he'll forget one of them. I constantly remind him of anything he has to do, I nearly have to stand over him to ensure it's done.

Anyway, the point is that while it's incredibly frustrating at the start, you learn to live with it. You adapt. After a while you don't really notice. 

One thing I would do is make sure whatever phones/purses/sunnies she gets are the cheapest available, don't ever give her anything valuable to look after etc. I bought DH a pair of expensive sunglasses once, and only once. Now he gets cheap ones.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My last bf was very forgetful when it came to his phone or his apartment keys. At first it was sweet, then it started to interfere with us getting to events on time. I tried staying patient about it, but there's not much I could do to help if he forgot where he may have left them other than try to talk him through his last memories of having them. 

Otherwise he was brilliant, just massively forgetful of things I would consider high on my own priority list. 

Sometimes I forget stories and names if there's no reason to keep them in active memory or if there is no personal connection I can make to the person/story. Naturally, I'm a person who strives to remember small details for recall later. My boss on the other hand, barely remembers a meeting we held yesterday and the details therein. He's very skilled and experienced, but says he hired me because I have an ability to remember details about a client. His mental energies focus more on the immediate support he can provide, mediation, and future planning.

It takes all sorts. Is there something your wife excels at that you are a bit lacking? Maybe recognize this as well as be gentle about her forgetfulness. 

Password protect and encrypt her phone in the meantime, if it isn't already.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Has she ever been evaluated for ADHD? Some of the typical hallmarks of that in adult women are lack of focus, daydreaming, lack of organization, having a hard time staying on-task, and being easily bored. If she has ADHD, then behavior modifications will help, and she's probably been figuring out her own coping strategies for years. But if she's still struggling to this degree, she might also benefit from one of the myriad medications that are available to treat ADHD.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds like she uses the phone WAY too much? Usually phone should be in the pocket or purse, but if she is on it all the time I'm sure she puts it down to use her hands for other things?

Cut down on phone usage?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This might seem like something from out of left field, but how certain are you that there isn't a neurological condition at the root of her forgetfulness?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well, adults should have better memory skills than that. How are her memory skills like remembering names, places, etc? There are assessments that help is understand short and long term memory performance.

There are also things that are square sized about an inch thick that you can stick on the phone to alert if you walk away from it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She could have a physical reason for this forgetfulness. Has she seen a doctor about it? 

As a kid, I had a near photographic memory. I started noticing memory problems when I was about 28 y.o., but doctors shrug it off. It's a good thing I don't travel much, because I often misplace things, too. I forget my phone at home at least once or twice a week, and I need it with me at all times in order to do my job well. If I take my wallet or keys in my husband's car, there's a good chance I will not remember to bring them back into the house. He tells me stories all the time and I can't remember them because I have not met the people and they play NO ROLE in my life. Why *should* I remember them? If it were more important, I'd probably do a little better, but even then, I'm the kind of person who needs to have at least three conversations with someone and hear their name a few times before I can remember. 

But you know what? IT IS NOT MY CHOICE! 

If I could decide to have a better memory, I would. I've taken memory classes, and they work for short term, but not long term. 

So if she is such a great girl for you, I would encourage you to STOP being judgmental and critical here, because *that* will do far more harm to your relationship than a dozen lost phones will.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I call bullshît on your wife. She's lazy and it's not important to her. 

So here's my question to you, what is your need in all this? Monetary? Time? Peace of mind? Why is this important to you?

Now address it that way. "Babe, I don't think you realize how disruptive it is when you loose your stuff. I need you to take better care not to loose it". Then quit phucking helping her in any way with it. 

Then when inevitably she does loose something pay no attention to her! Your statement seems to gloss over the fact that you end up helping her anyway. Well, she relies in you for this. She's even told you, it's your problem not mine. 

If she calls you on it tell her "well, I asked you not to loose your stuff and you did. My needs must not be important, so I'll leave you on your own on this one." And walk away. 

Bad behavior is enabled. Stop enabling.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

are you my husband???

As many have stated make sure there is no medical reason. There are also many technology gadgets that can help. 

For example: 

Tile


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

U.E. McGill said:


> I call bullshît on your wife. She's lazy and it's not important to her.
> 
> So here's my question to you, what is your need in all this? Monetary? Time? Peace of mind? Why is this important to you?
> 
> ...


Uhhh... don't do any of ^this, at least not if you value your wife and marriage.

OP, get your wife to a doc. Seriously. My wife has always been forgetful, and it's gotten somewhat worse in the past few years. She's never been quite as bad as you describe your wife, but it's always been there. It always annoyed me, but I just figured that she was just naturally forgetful. Boy, was I wrong...

About 3 years ago, my wife went to our GP about some really nasty -- bordering on crippling -- headaches that she was having at the time. After some back and forth, trying different meds for relief, etc, she got a referral to see a local neurologist. For a while it was more of the same but she finally convinced the neuro to put in an order for an MRI. (This process, by the way, took *months*.)

BAM. Lesions on her brain. MS diagnosis. Referral to specialist for confirmation. Spinal tap. Another MRI. Confirmation from specialist.

All of a sudden, everything made sense. Man, did I feel like sh*t. I'd dismissed many of her symptoms for years, thinking that there wasn't really anything behind them. I could not have been more wrong.

OP, please... Get. Your. Wife. To. A. Doc.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mablenc said:


> are you my husband???
> 
> As many have stated make sure there is no medical reason. *There are also many technology gadgets that can help. *
> 
> ...


Excellent suggestion! You can also try something like Lumosity.com. Mrs. Gus likes it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ooh, I am buying that Tile product for myself and my clients!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Ooh, I am buying that Tile product for myself and my clients!


I know I'm buying one for my phone, wallet, keys, self, child....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... don't do any of ^this, at least not if you value your wife and marriage.
> 
> OP, get your wife to a doc. Seriously. My wife has always been forgetful, and it's gotten somewhat worse in the past few years. She's never been quite as bad as you describe your wife, but it's always been there. It always annoyed me, but I just figured that she was just naturally forgetful. Boy, was I wrong...
> 
> ...



Thanks Gus. You support my method with this argument. 

I have a close loved one with MS. The forgetfulness borders on Alzheimer's it's so bad. 

Either way, if it's health or just plain lazy he needs to hold his wife accountable to his needs! Let her come back and tell him "well it's not health related"

Everybody always tries to "fix" people. Especially men. Knock it off I say. You can't and people are resentful of it. 

Show her why it's important to you and let her fill that need. Then hold her accountable. It really is that simple.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yikes that has to be stressful on you both. I have a friend like this. She forgets everything like your wife....keys, phones, purses. Watching her husband in action is impressive. He just runs down a list of where is xyz before they ever leave anywhere. Works for them I couldn't do it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

U.E. McGill said:


> Let her come back and tell him "well it's not health related"


Fair enough, but she may not know that for herself. Best to play it safe and get her to an imaging center IMO.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Before you do that try some basic online memory tests online. Look up Miller's paper on magical number seven +/- two for short term memory. 

Try to see if overall memory function is ok and you're just dealing with a super disorganized person


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I was going to respond but I forget what the discussion is about.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> I call bullshît on your wife. She's lazy and it's not important to her.
> 
> So here's my question to you, what is your need in all this? Monetary? Time? Peace of mind? Why is this important to you?
> 
> ...


Err, yeah. I don't think so. Let her get herself checked out. Then decide how to move on this problem. ADD and other types of attention problem partners are different, and there is more work involved in these relationships for both parties.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

married2myBF said:


> but the other stuff, like forgetting stories, people and details just cant be overlooked.


I am trying to figure out what you mean by the above statement? Do you want to give an ultimatum? If she doesn't get better...what? I don't always remember stories, people, and details either. I just don't understand what you think she is supposed to do. Try harder?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't agree with those who encourage alienating your wife over this matter. Think of it like a disability. If she had a limp, would you tell her that unless she walked without the limp she was on her own? What sort of person does that make you?

There are many great suggestions here. Barring health problems, one thing that I think may be contributing to your wife's problem is no consistency, no set routine. You are both always moving around, in different places all the time. She may be struggling to form some routine that would help her remember things.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

breeze said:


> I don't agree with those who encourage alienating your wife over this matter. Think of it like a disability. If she had a limp, would you tell her that unless she walked without the limp she was on her own? What sort of person does that make you?
> 
> 
> 
> There are many great suggestions here. Barring health problems, one thing that I think may be contributing to your wife's problem is no consistency, no set routine. You are both always moving around, in different places all the time. She may be struggling to form some routine that would help her remember things.



I'm a behaviorist at heart. I know I come off as harsh but there's a reason. 

There's behavioral psychology that supports me too. You ever noticed in a house that "mom" takes care of the calendar but dad is the "TV" guru. Meanwhile the 13 year old boy can fix the iPhone in a heart beat and the youngest daughter always knows where everything is? But none of these members take in the other role? Because we all cede to others in the house what they're better at. 

In his wife's case she make no effort because those around her have always done for her. 

To me, I'm neutral about it. That's why I asked the OP what his need was. I live with some of these things with my wife. God forbid she learn how to light the grill. 

Conversely if my wife had to ride one of those scooters because she got too fat to walk, hell yeah I wouldn't tolerate it. There's medical and real medical reasons.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A lot of it is behavioral, but being paranoid I would at least do some DIY memory tests and follow up if performance is iffy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> I'm a behaviorist at heart. I know I come off as harsh but there's a reason.
> 
> There's behavioral psychology that supports me too. You ever noticed in a house that "mom" takes care of the calendar but dad is the "TV" guru. Meanwhile the 13 year old boy can fix the iPhone in a heart beat and the youngest daughter always knows where everything is? But none of these members take in the other role? Because we all cede to others in the house what they're better at.
> 
> ...


Sounds pretty logical. And perhaps there's truth to your approach. I was a behavioral science specialist before I became a D&A counselor in the Army so I have a pretty good idea about behavioral approaches. At one time I believed much as you do. 

Unfortunately, though, people are far more complex than that. So if you approach this as a simple, "She's lazy" it will produce a tremendous amount of strain and resentment in the relationship. I truly hope the OP doesn't go there.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Sounds pretty logical. And perhaps there's truth to your approach. I was a behavioral science specialist before I became a D&A counselor in the Army so I have a pretty good idea about behavioral approaches. At one time I believed much as you do.
> 
> 
> 
> Unfortunately, though, people are far more complex than that. So if you approach this as a simple, "She's lazy" it will produce a tremendous amount of strain and resentment in the relationship. I truly hope the OP doesn't go there.



Here's the rub, IT ALREADY HAS!!!! He's on an internet board complaining about it. 

All these other ideas are just variations on the same theme, enabling. I'm telling the OP to change HIS ways.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I swear you're talking about my wife. Mainly, the morning routine is such a clusterf*ck and a lot of it is because of her lack of drive. I do my best to help. I pretty much get the kids up and ready, and she does their hair cuz I suck at hair. And I try to get her stuff rounded up, but every goddamn morning its something new, and they're supposd to be out of the house by 7:30 in order for everyone to be on time, and its usually 8:00 or so when they finally get going.

A lot of it is her losing some key thing. She lost her phone. can't find her hat. Where are her shoes!?!? Because she enjoys doing stuff like putting her hat under the pillow in the kids room or keeping her wallet in someplace other than her purse.

Other times she flat out forgets its time to get ready. I'm like "Honey, its 7:45, you haven't even gotten in the shower yet. Why the hell are you on facebook!?!??"


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I should add that it doesnt help, as a forgetful person myself sometimes, when people are constantly pissed at you because you are forgetful. You're trying to focus, and you're like "Keys. Hair. Socks. Shoes." trying to remember ****, but then on top of that, its "Don't piss other people off!"


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

McGill, He's on the board looking for positive stories in such a situation as theirs. There are helpful behaviors that can be practiced and learned, and they do involve their partners not enabling, but with an understanding of how to help. The partner must be involved and just can't say it's your problem not mine, if they wish to be in this relationship too. Stating she's lazy is is more hurtful and will only cause resentment. This is more of the same thinking left over from the time when schools forced left handed students to only use their right hand to write.

OP, We don't know why she is so forgetful, that has to be determined by professionals, but take a look at this link is has some constructive ideas...ADHD and Marriage | by Melissa Orlov & Dr. Ned Hallowell, Learning to thrive in your relationship

And to answer you question 'has anyone had success', yes my M was a success story.

Best, Anchor


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Framing problems in the marriage in such a way as to create an adversarial relationship between partners is almost never helpful, particularly as a first-line approach. It might be best to think of this issue as a problem that you and your wife need to find a solution for. Make it an "us versus the issue" thing rather than a "me versus her" thing. 

And the first step in that is _not_ to decide that she's just a lazy slacker who needs to fix herself for you. While that may even be the case - though I'm betting it's actually not - that approach is the least likely to build more love in your marriage.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Framing problems in the marriage in such a way as to create an adversarial relationship between partners is almost never helpful, particularly as a first-line approach. It might be best to think of this issue as a problem that you and your wife need to find a solution for. Make it an "us versus the issue" thing rather than a "me versus her" thing.
> 
> 
> 
> And the first step in that is _not_ to decide that she's just a lazy slacker who needs to fix herself for you. While that may even be the case - though I'm betting it's actually not - that approach is the least likely to build more love in your marriage.



We'll have to agree to disagree. 

She's already told him "get used to it...." To me that sets the bar that she doesn't think it's a problem. That's why I asked what he needs. Pretty adversarial if you ask me. 

He's stated they've spent countless hours looking or replacing her lost crap. Lots of love in the relationship. 

I learned my lesson early in my dating life. Dated a girl who had ZERO time management skills. She told me "I'm a scatter brain, that's just how I am!" Id make plans for a nice restaurant, go to pick her up and she's be no where near ready. One time she want even home! I sat her down and told her "I don't care if we're late when it's just casual but if we have a set time I'd like to be there on time". Workable compromise. 

I had a couple of good friends all organize a really nice dinner, we hadn't seen each other in forever. I go to pick her up, once again she's no where near ready. So when it was time to leave, I did. I told her if she still wanted to come, I'd see her there. We had a big fight after. But I stood my ground "it says I'm not important when you blow off these things". 

She was never late again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but your wife is right. She managed to survive just fine without you nagging her about losing stuff for the majority of her life. Why are you trying to change her now?

Quite frankly, you married her before you really knew her (IMHO), and you're still getting to know who she really is. Changing an adult to behave differently than they've behaved for most of their life is a difficult process at best, made impossible if they don't see where the problem is.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If forgetfulness interferes with daily tasks it needs to be looked into. I would rather be safe than sorry and I would also like to know what cognitive abilities and limitations are there, if any, and whether it's more of a lifestyle / attitude issue rather than anything else.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Forgetfulness can also cause security issues. Lsoing house keys; leaving them in the door; losing your purse or it becoming lost especially when it has keys and some indication of address......

I would not put up with this even if it was a medical problem. My personal safety is important to me and being with someone who does not uphold the steps necessary increase security is unacceptbale.

I guess with my own ax to grind here, how many here who want to give Ms. Forgetful the benefit of the doubt could not possibly -- in a million years -- be generous to a friend who was sometimes a little bit late..... but always showed up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Forgetfulness can also cause security issues. Lsoing house keys; leaving them in the door; losing your purse or it becoming lost especially when it has keys and some indication of address......
> 
> I would not put up with this even if it was a medical problem. My personal safety is important to me and being with someone who does not uphold the steps necessary increase security is unacceptbale.
> 
> I guess with my own ax to grind here, *how many here who want to give Ms. Forgetful the benefit of the doubt could not possibly -- in a million years -- be generous to a friend who was sometimes a little bit late..... but always showed up.*


LOL. I'm that friend. :smthumbup:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> Forgetfulness can also cause security issues. Lsoing house keys; leaving them in the door; losing your purse or it becoming lost especially when it has keys and some indication of address......
> 
> I would not put up with this even if it was a medical problem. My personal safety is important to me and being with someone who does not uphold the steps necessary increase security is unacceptbale.
> 
> I guess with my own ax to grind here, how many here who want to give Ms. Forgetful the benefit of the doubt could not possibly -- in a million years -- be generous to a friend who was sometimes a little bit late..... but always showed up.


Not really sure how giving the OP's wife the benefit of the doubt equates to being a person who wouldn't be generous with a friend who always shows up late...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yeah that's just the way her brain works. Make sure she has a CHEAP phone!

There are methods (online, dvd training discs) on how to use tricks to improve your memory...maybe get her a memory training course and see if it helps. The technique is like you meet a new person, he tells you his name, its joe steel, and you envision a steel beam going across his forehead. Imagery stuff like that. for people with bad memories...it seems to help

my wife uses luminosity, and they have tests like you are a waitress, and 5 guys order a complex meal, and you are quizzed on what they ordered a minute later. It forces you to pay attention.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

breeze said:


> Not really sure how giving the OP's wife the benefit of the doubt equates to being a person who wouldn't be generous with a friend who always shows up late...


Would you sooner forgive someone who regularly forgets their wallet and then guilts you into covering for her /him

or are able to be sanguine about someone who seems to regularly show up to plans 10 to 20 minutes later than agreed (but don't miss anything anyway)


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'd forgive a partner who had an obvious problem with memory, which I have, in reality, and adapt.

I'd accept that my friend was someone who always ran late, which I have, in reality, and adapt accordingly.

Since neither have anything to do with each other, I can't really say how much quicker I'd adapt to either situation, but the end result is the same.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I just had to add that I highly doubt anyone would lose their wallet/keys/mobile because they're lazy.

Let's just think about that idea. How much effort does it take to remember where something is if you have the ability to remember where you left it?

Now compare that with how much energy is expended in trying to find the items, especially if they are left somewhere outside the home/car.

So lazy? No. Bit like saying someone is lazy for climbing over the top of a mountain rather than driving through the tunnel under it. Either poor memory or poor planning or lack of skills in organisation. Something they may feel they cannot overcome because they've never been able to before, hence the, 'get used to it' statement.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

some basic coping mechanisms can help too. I was forgetting where my keys, wallet were. So I made a hook right next to the entrance door, and as I walk in I ALWAYS put the keys there....no excuses. Same with my wallet...there is one spot in the kitchen on the counter I leave it. Its either at that spot or in my pants pocket....no where else. 

If I later find my wallet or keys somewhere else...I stop everything I am doing and return them to "their place". 

same with tools, I have established a special place for each type of tool: screwdrivers in one big drawer, pliers in another, socket wrenches in one of 3 drawers. And once again, when I "find" tools in odd places, I make it a point to move them back to "their place" 

Must have saved me thousands of lost hours over the years. it also saves me a fortune in $ and time where instead of gong to home depot for stuff I KNOW I own but cant find, now I can often find it.

I am not an organized guy...I used to just try to remember all the odd places stuff was at. Then I wised up one day, bought a lot of toolboxes, shelves, plastic storage trays.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> Here's the rub, IT ALREADY HAS!!!! He's on an internet board complaining about it.
> 
> All these other ideas are just variations on the same theme, enabling. I'm telling the OP to change HIS ways.


Not really. Your advice is to encourage him to try to change her. 

This is why behaviorism and I had a bit of a falling out. People really are more complex than this. If you want to encourage him to change himself, then I think you'd be encouraging him to take steps that either create happiness in his current environment or that change his environment. 

While "holding her accountable" is more than simply "sounding" harsh... it could be BEING harsh if this is something beyond her ability to control. Perhaps it would be more in tune to simply advise him that he doesn't have to rescue her. Because once you cross that line into what to do TO HER, you're moving past reasonable, in my opinion.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Not really. Your advice is to encourage him to try to change her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Your ready farther into what I said. I said "what is his need". 

You state "Because once you cross that line into what to do TO HER, you're moving past reasonable, in my opinion"

Well she's crossed the line too. He spends an inordinate amount of time replacing crap and finding stuff. HER actions have negatively impacted him. We've never established that her actions are beyond her control. Scientifically you should rule out the simplest reason first. He hasn't even got to that point. Hell, she doesn't care! 

I'll make this very clear. Tell her what he wants out of this. Hold her accountable. She either finds a reasonable compromise or doesn't. Then the two of them decide where to go from there. 

Who cares if she had to change?!? That's a bullshyte reason of ever I heard one. People are expected to change behavior in a marriage all the time. My wife wants me to put the seat down. I see no reasonable excuse to do so. Yet, I change my habit. More extreme, I come and go as I please, yet my wife expects a call when I'm coming home. Why? Because my behavior affects her in a negative way. 

He has every right to expect change in her if it is affecting the marriage negatively.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

My husband is bad about losing his keys, documents etc. He's also messy. I say messy and disorganized means a scattered mind. My husband is ADHD but refuses to take the medication. 

I refuse to deal with it. I used to go crazy looking for his keys with him. I now refuse. I go on to work and let him deal with it. I am not his mother and I refuse to act like one. I have also told him it is a turnoff to me. I want a relationship with an adult, and losing things constantly isn't adult like. If I have no respect for him as an adult, I don't feel desire for him.

Anyways, I would never buy another cell phone etc if he lost it. I have no tolerance for this behavior. I suggest you not tolerate it either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

I believe wife has some sort of mental disability. Get her to a doc.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not all ADHD people have memory issues tho. I'm ADHD Grande and rarely forget things...

As someone who knows a thing or three about cognitive stuff I would reiterate to have her evaluated for any hard issues and if not then work to develop coping mechanisms...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> Your ready farther into what I said. I said "what is his need".
> 
> You state "Because once you cross that line into what to do TO HER, you're moving past reasonable, in my opinion"
> 
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Forgetful person chiming in here! 

I noticed a change in my memory abilities when I was pregnant with my daughter 17 years ago. I thought it was just a hormonal thing, but evidently not, because I am STILL forgetful to this day! Just yesterday, for the first time in 44 years, I forgot my mother's birthday! Well, birth DATE. It was yesterday, and in my mind, I kept seeing it as the 25th, not the 15th! I will set something by my purse that I need to take with me the next day, before I go to bed, and will inevitably walk out of the house without that item! I am terrible with names, but am great with faces. I do not tend to lose my phone or my purse, but will forget appointments often. I forget to change the laundry from washer to dryer. I forget to pick up prescriptions. 

Unfortunately, short term memory issues have become part of who I am. Also, I am always cold, lol! People who know me, know these two things about me! So dont take your wife's forgetfulness as a purposely spiteful act. We all have some issues, and those who love us help us deal with them, not punish us.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

married2myBF said:


> Hello. My wife and i are newlyweds going on 6 months, however we've been in eachother's company 24-7 since March 2013, traveling and working together on the road.
> 
> We are very much in love and i'm crazy about her. But since this is my second marriage, i'm trying my best to not let little things put a distance between us by allowing resentment to build, which i know, can kill a relationship.
> 
> ...


If she has always been like this... I'm thinking she's ADD.

If not, I'm wondering if she's taking any medications that cause issues. Or, perhaps she's sick... dementia etc.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

john117 said:


> Not all ADHD people have memory issues tho. I'm ADHD Grande and rarely forget things...
> 
> As someone who knows a thing or three about cognitive stuff I would reiterate to have her evaluated for any hard issues and if not then work to develop coping mechanisms...


Are you treated?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Of course not . 

I thought I was normal till I took the (minimum) required behavioral/clinical psych courses in college and realized I am like the "before treatment" guy... But I've always had good memory.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

john117 said:


> Of course not .
> 
> I thought I was normal till I took the (minimum) required behavioral/clinical psych courses in college and realized I am like the "before treatment" guy... But I've always had good memory.


So, you're self diagnosed?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Nope, I was evaluated for ADHD by the clinical faculty during grad school in the USA; my birth country is not exactly the hotbed of attention deficit disorder diagnoses or medications. There's a few standard forms used, it's pretty straightforward. 

My older girl also went thru a similar assessment by her HS counselor then by a licensed PhD therapist. her therapist used the same evaluation form on both of us and we did quite well


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

john117 said:


> Nope, I was evaluated for ADHD by the clinical faculty during grad school in the USA; my birth country is not exactly the hotbed of attention deficit disorder diagnoses or medications. There's a few standard forms used, it's pretty straightforward.
> 
> My older girl also went thru a similar assessment by her HS counselor then by a licensed PhD therapist. her therapist used the same evaluation form on both of us and we did quite well


Did quite well means what?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We both did highly enough to be considered ADHD of course 

View attachment 25122


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I hear what you are saying. I disagree with the whole "do it with love approach"

The OP has not stated his specific need. Just a general "it's driving me nuts". I get the impression they've never had a heart to heart on this one. There's a big difference between "honey I wish you weren't so forgetful" and "honey this needs to change"

My point is, the OP needs to man up and LEAD on this one. Tell her what he wants and what he's willing to accept. Her feelings are HERS to deal with. 

All these other suggestions, getting diagnosis, buying key locators, whatever, are steps to fixing it. But they all come after his first step. 

So OP I say to you. Follow all this nicey-nice stuff and I'll see you in year or two when it's time to fix it again. If you tolerate bad behavior by enabling it, well you get what you deserve.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> I hear what you are saying. I disagree with the whole "do it with love approach"
> 
> The OP has not stated his specific need. Just a general "it's driving me nuts". I get the impression they've never had a heart to heart on this one. There's a big difference between "honey I wish you weren't so forgetful" and "honey this needs to change"
> *
> ...


Sorry but this is just a really jerk-a$$ approach to this. If my man told me that I had to STOP being forgetful because he "couldnt accept it", I'd tell him not to let the door hit his ignorant a$$ on his way OUT of my life. Sheesh. Like telling a blind person to snap out it and just SEE for chrissake because they are inconveniencing you!


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry but this is just a really jerk-a$$ approach to this. If my man told me that I had to STOP being forgetful because he "couldnt accept it", I'd tell him not to let the door hit his ignorant a$$ on his way OUT of my life. Sheesh. Like telling a blind person to snap out it and just SEE for chrissake because they are inconveniencing you!



Once again people reading what's not there. 

I never said giver her an ultimatum. I said define his need and work towards a compromise. 

To busy formulating a response instead of reading.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> All these other suggestions, getting diagnosis, buying key locators, whatever, are steps to fixing it. But they all come after his first step.
> 
> So OP I say to you. Follow all this nicey-nice stuff and I'll see you in year or two when it's time to fix it again. If you tolerate bad behavior by enabling it, well you get what you deserve.


Ah, its bad behavior? Problem solving is nicey nice stuff? He'll get what he deserves? 

I believe you mean well, but I must disagree here.

I had an educator tell me the something along this line of thought. I knew better to look further for answers. The advice she gave had nothing to do with solving my dilemma, it was only to make her part easier, as she only had to interact with this for the year. I don't see a partner doing very well being an enforcer in a relationship that could last their lifetimes. Not everything is as black and white. Not everyone fits into the center of the curve. Thank God for that. 

I do agree, anyone who gets this distracted or forgetful should face the effects of their behaviors. As it happens, they do suffer the consequences of their actions in relationships, education, careers and everyday life.



U.E. McGill said:


> I never said giver her an ultimatum. I said define his need and work towards a compromise.


I missed your last post. It's better put, that way. Though I think cooperation of a better word used than compromise.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

U.E. McGill said:


> I hear what you are saying. I disagree with the whole "do it with love approach"
> 
> The OP has not stated his specific need. Just a general "it's driving me nuts". I get the impression they've never had a heart to heart on this one. There's a big difference between "honey I wish you weren't so forgetful" and "honey this needs to change"
> 
> ...


McGill, I'm with you on this one. Someone's forgetfulness could ruin our day or at worst, become a serious security problem for the both of us.

While I can tolerate some lateness and farting from my partner (and from what I read here, many TAMers do not tolerate THAT stuff), I simply cannot tolerate someone who is unable -- for whatever reason- to remember essential stuff to move through your day .... and life.


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