# Help Needed - I think my wife has depression



## toadie (Dec 9, 2011)

Hi,

I believe my wife is suffering from depression, and I'm not sure the best way to help her.

We've been married for 3 years, and have a 2 year old boy. My wife suffers from schleroderma, which causes her constant discomfort and for which she has medication. However, since our son was born, things have not been okay. 

She has developed a problem with eating, and is losing weight. She never has weighed much, but she weighs about 95 pounds now. She is fatigued constantly. She does not go to sleep at night until very late. She has stopped going out to lunch with her friends (she is a stay-at-home mom by choice). And when I am home I play with our son and she lays in bed.

As for our marriage, we've not had sex in 2 years. At first, she said this was because she wanted me to have a vasectomy and I procrastinated. But I've had the vasectomy for a while now and still no sex, and no physical affection at all. She seems irritated when I even kiss her with no sexual intentions. I've been sleeping on the couch for almost 2 years. 

Further, everything I do is wrong. Even the most insignificant things are pointed out. I kissed her good night and made a smudge mark on her glasses and that set her off. Then, after apologizing, I offered to clean her glasses and that resulted in a spiel about how I can't clean glasses correctly. There's a list a mile long of little things that I don't do right like this. The Christmas gifts I bought her brother were wrong, though it was only a VISA gift card (I bought him too much, of all things).

When she said she wanted to quit her job and stay home with our son, I told her it was up to her and I would support her in whatever decision she made. She quit her job and I reworked our finances so that she could do this. Now she blames me because she doesn't have any co-worker friends to hang out with. Most everything is "my fault" in one way or another. Leaky diaper at night? It's not the quart of pee in the diaper that caused it, it's me that put the diaper on incorrectly. Etc. etc.

I've tried talking to her, which has resulted in a couple of nasty arguments over the past two years. I can only try to make her happy to a point before I've had enough myself. I'm the only one that ends up apologizing and trying to correct the things that get brought up in the arguments. In fact, the other night after a disagreement, she said that she was a "model wife" despite what can really only be described as neglecting her husband. The dogs get held and kissed more than I do.

I've made several lifestyle changes to try and resolve her unhappiness. I've lost weight to the point I can see my ab muscles after she suggested I lose weight. I weigh less now than when we married. I give her more money each month. I surprise her with jewelry and flowers outside of holidays. I make it a point to tell her how beautiful she is and that I love her every single day. I even started getting up with our son on week nights so that she can stay in bed and get more rest. I spend all of my time off on the weekends with our son, except when I do the grocery shopping, and she lays in bed. I even neglect the yard work now to keep our son so she can rest, to the point where I feel guilty just asking to have some time to do yard work (much less anything else). I've changed so much of my lifestyle with no visible results in our marriage that I can only come to the conclusion that this is not really my fault, that there is a problem here that requires professional help.

Anyways, I was confiding in a co-worker this morning and she said that it sounds like she is depressed. Until today, I knew next to nothing of depression, but after reading a bit about it, it sounds like she fits the description. I love her and I am committed to her and to our son, and it sounds like from reading about depression that nothing I can do is going to help her be happy. At least she still tells me she loves me. But at this point, she gets so defensive in the discussions that I do not know how to suggest to her that we go see a doctor and a therapist. I'm not even sure what kind of doctor to start with. Her current medications for the schleroderma, I believe, are part of the problem, especially the sleeping pills. Obviously, I intend on broaching the subject to her in a loving way, but I'm afraid she will simply refuse to go.

Divorce has crossed my mind, but at this point, I am not giving up on her, and I love my son too much to lose him. I need to help her/us.


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## Sherrynafehmft (Dec 9, 2011)

Hello, First and foremost I want to take this chance and applaud you for being such a supportive and committed spouse. Yes, your wife, is most likely suffering from depression. You mentioned that all the symptoms started when your son was born, and it's not uncommon for woman who give birth to feel, sadness which is called postpartum depression. Unfortunately if it's not treated it does, get worse. I also see, that maybe she might have some body image issues , as well as dealing with her sickness, can all be triggers of depression.The good news is that you wife, has you & your son and with some professional help, she will be back to her normal self. I suggest, presenting this to her as it is, for you to understand her better and open communication between the two of you as partners and parents. Find a Licensed marriage & family therapist, in your area and he or she would be able to tell after a couple of visits, if they think she needs to be seen by a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. Meanwhile, you are being such a great father, spending time w/ your son. PLEASE find another individual therapist who could help walk, you through this time. I wish you well. Good luck & happy Holidays!!!


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## toadie (Dec 9, 2011)

First, I really appreciate your guidance. It had not occurred to me to visit a therapist on my own. That sounds like a good idea. 

I took the opportunity last night to suggest she might be depressed. She complains daily of her physical problems, so it was easy for me to suggest that she might be depressed. I was scared because didn't want to start a battle. No battle happened, than God, but she denied that she was depressed and refused to go to either a doctor or a therapist. She said that she was happy, but that is clearly not the case. She's constantly irritable. She said she might go back to the doctor treating her schleroderma, but I am not sure what this will accomplish. She is aware that she is losing weight and does not sleep properly. Admittedly, since she has schleroderma, it is hard for a non-professional like me to tell what is the root of the problem. She also has a daughter with her ex husband who ran off to live with her father which I know she is still angry about, and takes it out on me. No matter what I say or do, it's clear that I am not able to help her. If she is also in denial, I am not sure there is a solution.


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## Sherrynafehmft (Dec 9, 2011)

Yeah, it isn't uncommon for her to fight it, and refuse to get some help. She's just trying to protect herself and not be vulnerable. The mere fact that you brought it up, has her thinking, even if she dosen't talk about it. As, I said before find a therapist for yourself and tell her that your seeing a therapist to figure things out. Unfortunatly a great part of, diagnosing & treating deperession is that the person is willing to work on themselves and it sounds like maybe she's still not ready. 

Good Luck,


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## toadie (Dec 9, 2011)

Sherrynafehmft said:


> Yeah, it isn't uncommon for her to fight it, and refuse to get some help. She's just trying to protect herself and not be vulnerable. The mere fact that you brought it up, has her thinking, even if she dosen't talk about it. As, I said before find a therapist for yourself and tell her that your seeing a therapist to figure things out. Unfortunatly a great part of, diagnosing & treating deperession is that the person is willing to work on themselves and it sounds like maybe she's still not ready.
> 
> Good Luck,


Thank both of you for the insight. It gives me some much needed direction, and some hope. I don't intend to harrass her about it, so I will give it a few days or so before trying again. I don't want to make anything worse. In hindsight, I should have approached her long ago about it, but I was a bit naive and uneducated about depression. In the meantime, I plan to start looking for a therapist.

Thanks so much for your help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You are going about it the wrong way. A wife who complains about everything that nothing is right cant be pleased. Giving her presents and giving in more to her make things worse. It doesnt sound like that you have to be afraid of losing her, so you must be much more firm. For instance if she is not happy with something you give her take it back. Not happy with something youve done, undo it. You have to be careful not to overdo it and in which things to do this but after a time she will get the message. Even then you still have a long way to go.


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## toadie (Dec 9, 2011)

accept said:


> You are going about it the wrong way. A wife who complains about everything that nothing is right cant be pleased. Giving her presents and giving in more to her make things worse. It doesnt sound like that you have to be afraid of losing her, so you must be much more firm. For instance if she is not happy with something you give her take it back. Not happy with something youve done, undo it. You have to be careful not to overdo it and in which things to do this but after a time she will get the message. Even then you still have a long way to go.


I'm coming around to your way of thinking after reading a bit here. I think I'll give it a shot. Christmas presents have already been bought, but Valentine's Day will be pretty sparse if things don't change. She already knows it's an issue, so it's not like I'm asking her to read my mind.

I'm still concerned about the depression issue, since there are physical problems that are manifest, but I can't force her to go see a doctor, either.

A question - if I'm being too "beta" then I need to become a lot more "alpha". Any good resources for specific courses of actions? I bought and read the entire MMSL book yesterday, and it wasn't quite specific enough for me in the Alpha section. I get the gift giving subject. Pretty easy to pull in the reigns there. And if Athol is right in his book, then all of her pestering and nitpicking is "fitness testing" by her. I hate games, but apparently this would also fit what she's doing as well. Just need more specific advice than what was in the MMSL book.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

she has depression, i could tell straight away with that glasses remark.

my wife has......

i have a feeling my wife wont have sex with me as she doesnt want another child and wants me to have the snip.....will find out.


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## toadie (Dec 9, 2011)

Hey brendan,

Yeah, seeing her lose weight at <100 pounds already and knowing she doesn't want to lose weight concerns me. I would think she's just testing me with the nitpicking, and part of that may be true, but she definitely has physical symptoms. She has schleroderma and has joint pain, but now she has back pain for no real reason. The odd thing is, I've had to push and prod her to see a doctor about it, whereas I would have gone much sooner. She's finally going to a doctor today, and I'm going with her.

I'm still going to make an attempt to quit being the stereotypical "nice guy" as that hasn't gotten me anywhere at all. The glasses incident crossed a line with me and started a fight. Even being the typical doormat nice guy, I'm not putting up with that sort of behavior, whether it's her depression or whether she's just fitness testing me. I'll support her in any way I can, but I won't stay in the room and be verbally abused.

Oh, and I got snipped about 5 months ago. She said she wouldn't have sex because she didn't want to get pregnant again, and her body definitely can't handle another baby. So I got snipped, expecting the sex to then be forthcoming, but nothing. Had a good doctor though, and it went very smoothly.


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## takingmylifeback (Dec 27, 2011)

[/QUOTE]
A question - if I'm being too "beta" then I need to become a lot more "alpha". Any good resources for specific courses of actions? I bought and read the entire MMSL book yesterday, and it wasn't quite specific enough for me in the Alpha section. I get the gift giving subject. Pretty easy to pull in the reigns there. And if Athol is right in his book, then all of her pestering and nitpicking is "fitness testing" by her. I hate games, but apparently this would also fit what she's doing as well. Just need more specific advice than what was in the MMSL book.[/QUOTE]

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