# Not much Sex in 4 years of Marriage



## EricTheViking (Jan 23, 2018)

My wife and I got married in our 40s after knowing each other for well over a decade. She was a virgin-I was not. 

The good part: she is totally dedicated to the marriage and me. She will give the shirt off her back to support me. She always says how much she loves me. She sacrifices all the time to please me-in most things.

But something is seriously wrong...

I expected what should be normal: newlyweds have lots of sex.

Instead, for the first three years, our average for having sex was about once, maybe twice, every three months. Yes, you read that correctly: once or twice every three months. I tried explaining how important it is many times, and it made no difference. It got to the point where I turned to porn, which is sickening and actually beyond demeaning to have gone there. 

To give an example of something that occurred many times: I get a raging erection and approach my wife, and get "not now babe". It didn't matter what I said, or how how I explained how it's spontaneous, she would not give in. 

In the last few months its gotten a little better. We have sex sporadically, maybe three times a month-maybe. But, like before, I initiate-always-I do all the work, and she just lies back and enjoys it.
I love going down on her, but there's always an excuse for her not to do it-or "I'm working towards it". Or that I take too long.

I've been with women before, and taking long has always been a positive. I've always focused on pleasing them first because it turns me on, and then my reward comes anyway (no pun intended).

No handjobs either. I mean, she's played with it for a bit, the whole time asking “how much longer” and then stops because her hand is tired and is surprised that I'm not satisfied. The one time she did finish I get the disappointed comment “That could have happened inside me”.

I like foreplay, but she considers it "dragging it out".

I try to explain how important sex is, and tell her we need to be more intimate, and I get a lecture about how I don't know about love, or how it's all about me, or that I'm selfish and not satisfied with what we do.

I got this ironic example from her: 
“You’re like someone who had a delicious dish a few days ago and doesn’t say ‘thank you’, and it isn’t enough that you got to eat a delicious dish-you have to expect more”.

Am I INSANE or does anyone else see the problem here? I’m supposed to say “thank you” for being given sex once every few days, maybe, and like it was a sacrifice for her? I’m the only one who ate the “delicious dish”? And what about the starving in-between?

It’s like there is absolutely no logic or accountability whatsoever-NONE!

I try to explain but it goes nowhere. It always turns into her saying I am deeply offending her and killing the memories of the wonderful moments we share. This, basically, means that sex is based on when and how she wants it, and that's all that matters. If I disagree, then I am being selfish and self-centered. That it's all about me. 
So what I've concluded is that if wanting to talk of improving our sex is all about me, then she has zero interest.

I've sent her articles. Before the excuse was that she was too busy studying to read them. Now that studying is over, it's turned to "I'm not reading them".

One other interesting thing: She had spoken of marriage counseling in the past, because she thought I needed it. Strangely enough, when I found someone, she then changed her mind because we couldn't afford it. Later I found that one of her sisters had been having problems with her husband and pulled the same marriage counselor thing because "he" needed it. Funny enough, the result was the counselor telling her sister "What you need to do is listen more to your husband". 

Oh, and I get “You’re not affectionate” complaints. Never mind I always was very affectionate and have just withdrawn over time because the constant rejection. Constantly expecting to be petted, massaged, hugged… even wanting to spoon naked, but sex? Rarely. It is beyond insulting.

Today I had a blowout. I've been miserable with the flu for almost a week. She had it a week or so prior (got it from her). I was in bed and feeling pretty ok except for being utterly exhausted, and got the urge, so I asked her if she could do something. Nothing. Just comments like "You need to stop being so sexual". 

I blew up and we got into an argument. I regret losing my temper, but I'm at my wit's end. This is, in my opinion, so extremely selfish and even abusive. Though I am sure it isn't out of malice, it just seems so damned self-centered.
What gets to me most is the total refusal to listen to my side, and expecting me to accept her view of this or I am selfish and self-centered. I am tired of being demeaned and humiliated-even if it isn't deliberate-because she doesn't give a **** enough to listen, and if I press the issue it's"please stop" and how much I am hurting the marriage. 
And she is a person who otherwise is the most giving person I’ve ever met! It’s like some bizarre Twilight Zone situation. 

This has built a great deal of resentment in me and, though I love her dearly, I can't live like this. I am going to print out some articles and give then to her, and see if we can finally discuss this. I’m worried because I’ve never seen someone so unwilling to allow a conversation if it counters their view-and I get the moment that I like to argue. But I’ve had it. If she still refuses then I am going to suggest we go our separate ways.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Anything less than once a week is abuse. You guys need to either work this out or you should move on.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You married a 40 something virgin. What did expect? That she was holding back the floodgates? No kids? It’s not too late to correct this mistake. It doesn’t even sound like you worked out expectations before marrying. Come on, you’re not some green 20 year old...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am with Workingonme....the fact that she was a virgin at 40 should have been a huge red flag....honestly did you guys not have this talk before marriage?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yep...it's hard to overlook the obvious. You married her thinking she would have a normal sex drive. But you had no way of knowing if she would or not so you took your chances, and were wrong.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So basically you are now in a sexually mismatched marriage, and those rarely ever change to the satisfaction of the higher drive partner. 

Your choices are limited to accepting the situation as it is, or give a divorce ultimatum (but don't do this unless you really will divorce over this issue).

Stick around, read other threads. You'll be shocked to see the same situation play out over and over.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yep...it's hard to overlook the obvious. You married her thinking she would have a normal sex drive. But you had no way of knowing if she would or not so you took your chances, and were wrong.


QFT


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sounds very depressingly familiar. Only I've been married for 30 years now. Its never gotten better.

Look at all the LD/HD (low desire / high desire) thread on this board. It rarely gets better.

Everything points to her being someone with a very low natural level of desire. Some people are like that. Its not her "fault" just the way she is wired. Its not your fault that you enjoy sex. You are just not compatible.



Leave, Cheat, Live like a monk. I wish there were another choice but I've never found it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Let me join the chorus: a 40 years old virgin.. dude what did you expect? That should have been a huge red flag.. about a low libido individual, plus all the hang-ups that comes with it. 

Now, if you are not happy with the situation, you only have two options: 1. Accept it, shut up and stop complaining, and live the rest of your sexual existence with the status quo, or 2. move on to a new partner more compatible with you sexually, because at this stage I doubt very much that her libido is going to get any higher.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

No means no, but it also means pack your bags and move out.

Why did you stay that first day she told you no?

I have no idea how I would have handled it myself, but I did tell my wife before we got married if she ever said no I would leave her. With all the hell we have been through I obviously was mistaken in the idea I would ever leave her, but she has never said no to me about sex. Maybe it was just God's way of rewarding me for the other stuff I put up with.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Time to realise your not compatible sexually.

So either suck it up butter cup !

Or man up and have the difficult decision with her asking for a divorce because you are not happy with your marital sex life.

Its perfectly fine to end a marriage because of this!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm not join the "What were you expecting?" chorus, because it's non-productive to a solution, and I can identify with you. Like me, you might have been expecting that she was chaste only because you were unmarried. Perhaps it was for religious reasons. After the wedding, you expected the floodgates to open. Maybe she even made some promises in that regard. My wife was raised Catholic and lived up to her parents' expectations. Before marriage, I made the mistake of honoring her and her family's beliefs. Never again will I be such a fool. I was promised our first time would be our wedding night. She broke that promise with a casual rejection. Let me say, without hesitation, that I am now a strong proponent of sex before marriage. In fact, it should be a requirement.

Your situation will only get worse. If this is how she acts as a newlywed, imagine what she'll be like 10-20 years from now? The resentment only grows. Trust me. My situation has been fixed mostly to my satisfaction, but I still feel the burn of resentment when I read a story like yours. I expect that I will always feel this resentment. Never again will I sit silently while a wife who would "give the shirt off her back to support me" (your words) can't be bothered to meet a need that I've expressed as fundamental. Someone who unselfishly loves you would not emasculate you. Am I really understanding that your need for intimacy is met with with a question like "How much longer?" Pfft. You've already been too patient. 

The only advice I can offer is that you need to really need to emphatically rattle the cage right now. Sure, print all the articles you want, but she won't give a rat's ass. She'll look at them the same way she looked at marriage counseling. The articles will make great kindling. 

You need to disengage. Start spending more time out of the house. When you are at home, do your own thing without her. When she asks you what the problem is, tell her that you're pondering the state of your marriage and whether it's worth continuing. Because I can tell you, the current state of your marriage is NOT worth continuing. 

The day my wife changed her tune was when I retook control of the situation and told her that I'd given up on the idea of an intimate relationship with her. But I demanded an explanation for her behavior. Tell me what is wrong with me that you cannot give me what other wives _willingly and joyfully_ give to their husbands. And tell me why you have so little respect for me that you do not take my needs seriously. No, don't offer to have sex with me tonight--that's off the table now--just give me the damn answers to the questions I'm asking you. Is THAT too much to ask of you?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Did you marry Steve Carell?

https://[email protected]@._V1_UY1200_CR90,0,630,1200_AL_.jpg

Yeah you need to make it clear that unless she makes an effort, you are gone. 
That’s why it’s a good idea to ‘rehearse’ this stuff before the marriage IMO.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You made a mistake by marrying her. Now fix it.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

How was your sex life before you got married? Any change? If the same then not sure what to tell you that others haven't...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BigDigg said:


> How was your sex life before you got married? Any change? If the same then not sure what to tell you that others haven't...


Um there wasn't any sex. OPs wife was a virgin in her 40s when they got married.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Um there wasn't any sex. OPs wife was a virgin in her 40s when they got married.


They didn't date a bit beforehand?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sometimes there's a lot of foreplay before marriage, without going "all the way." Heavy foreplay followed by a drought that starts right after the wedding is a very, very bad sign. It demonstrates that the premarital intimacy was all meaningless and deceptive. It gives you an idea of who you're dealing with and how difficult it will be to resolve the problem. That's why the question is relevant.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You married a 40 something virgin. What did expect? That she was holding back the floodgates? No kids? It’s not too late to correct this mistake. It doesn’t even sound like you worked out expectations before marrying. Come on, you’re not some green 20 year old...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



People in their 20s and 30s post this exact same story in this forum. Age has nothing to do with it. Most people have no ****ing clue what is going to happen in marriage. That's why most of them end in divorce. 

The average person has no concept of sexless marriages until they end up in one. They have no idea how common this is. That's why they show up here. 

I'm only commenting on this post because this was the first post where it was suggested that he should have known better. Marrying someone who refuses to have sex isn't something that most people can conceptualize. There is no way to know. That's why it happens so much.

It's like death. Everyone knows they will die but no one can really visualize what will happen after that, regardless of how you live your life.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Yeah I don’t get the ‘you should have known’ or ‘why are you so surprised’ posts either. It’s patronising and immature. Not to mention unhelpful at this point.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm not join the "What were you expecting?" chorus, because it's non-productive to a solution, and I can identify with you. Like me, you might have been expecting that she was chaste only because you were unmarried. Perhaps it was for religious reasons. After the wedding, you expected the floodgates to open. Maybe she even made some promises in that regard. My wife was raised Catholic and lived up to her parents' expectations. Before marriage, I made the mistake of honoring her and her family's beliefs. Never again will I be such a fool. I was promised our first time would be our wedding night. She broke that promise with a casual rejection. Let me say, without hesitation, that I am now a strong proponent of sex before marriage. In fact, it should be a requirement.
> 
> Your situation will only get worse. If this is how she acts as a newlywed, imagine what she'll be like 10-20 years from now? The resentment only grows. Trust me. My situation has been fixed mostly to my satisfaction, but I still feel the burn of resentment when I read a story like yours. I expect that I will always feel this resentment. Never again will I sit silently while a wife who would "give the shirt off her back to support me" (your words) can't be bothered to meet a need that I've expressed as fundamental. Someone who unselfishly loves you would not emasculate you. Am I really understanding that your need for intimacy is met with with a question like "How much longer?" Pfft. You've already been too patient.
> 
> ...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

EricTheViking said:


> This has built a great deal of resentment in me and, though I love her dearly, I can't live like this. I am going to print out some articles and give then to her, and see if we can finally discuss this. I’m worried because I’ve never seen someone so unwilling to allow a conversation if it counters their view-and I get the moment that I like to argue. But I’ve had it. If she still refuses then I am going to suggest we go our separate ways.


I hope you don't get overwhelmed by the advice in this thread. The fact is that a problem like yours will be very difficult (impossible?) to solve. I would not recommend giving her articles or trying to have discussions. It will likely just make her more resentful. You will need to do big, bold actions that get her out of her comfort zone. But make sure you don't berate her or make her feel like a bad person because she doesn't want to have sex. It doesn't sound like she's trying to be vindictive--she just doesn't have those urges.

An obvious big action is to split/divorce. Sometimes that can be a wakeup call, but I'm not sure in this case. It sounds like she's never had a sex drive, so I'm not sure that splitting up will light that fire.

Another action would be to be more dominant sexually. This is a crazy, out-of-the box idea, so feel free to reject it totally. Maybe you could look at having more of a dominant-submissive or master-slave kind of sexual relationship. While she may not have an innate sexual drive, she may find it exciting to be told what to do. Obviously this isn't something that works for everyone, so YMMV.

But the easiest solution, by far, is to break up and find someone else. Any path forward between you two will be complicated and uncertain of success. You should come to terms that sex might never be part of your relationship. Try to fix things, but don't keep banging your head against the wall forever thinking one day things will turn around.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I like the fact she thinks she’s providing a delicious treat for you that you have the privilege of sampling every 3 months or so.... It’s cute. If it wasn’t so depressing.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This situation is a bit different than most sexless marriages in the the wife was a virgin into her 40s. That's unusual, and may change standard advice. It is evidence that this woman was never very sexual in her whole life.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And sad in the way that if she knows it's a treat, and she loves you, why doesn't she want to provide treats every opportunity she can?

I know lots of peeps don't agree with me, but my wife satisfied me by simply being available any time.

Peeps here go on about that being duty sex and blah blah blah, but I enjoyed it. Mary was always responsive, and I hear that called responsive sex. Then some peeps say responsive sex is no better than duty sex. Around and around.

Anyway, your wife should enjoy feeding you treats as often as possible. Call it responsive sex if you want to, and I think you would enjoy it just fine. I think peeps who don't like responsive sex watch too much porn.

If she loved you she would love giving you sex any time any place.

I think she does not love you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> I like the fact she thinks she’s providing a delicious treat for you that you have the privilege of sampling every 3 months or so.... It’s cute. If it wasn’t so depressing.


And it brings up the obvious question of why he is not a delicious treat for her. Does she say "thank you" the way that she expects him to? Narcissist much?


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> This situation is a bit different than most sexless marriages in the the wife was a virgin into her 40s. That's unusual, and may change standard advice. It is evidence that this woman was never very sexual in her whole life.


There are definitely people that are asexual in nature and perhaps that's the OPs wife. There might be nothing 'wrong' with her at all other than being in a completely mismatched marriage. There may be nothing he can do to change the current dynamic. Knowing what went on after they started dating but before marriage is key to understanding what reasonable expectations he should have and whether theres an chance to salvage...

I have a male friend btw who I think is completely asexual. In 20 years of knowing him he's never shown any inclination towards either sex, only dated sporadically and for short duration and is otherwise is an amazing human being. Women (or men) would find him to be good looking and very fit, he has a great career, really funny and adventurous personality, etc. Makes no sense other than it seems he honestly doesn't have any physical desire for either sex.


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