# Am i wrong here?



## Timgo (Feb 27, 2018)

I work, she doesnt, she has no problem spending money. I do what im supposed to do, i work, i dont cheat, not in trouble with law, no drugs, then i come home and do my best with helping out around the house, we have a 4 month old son, she always talks about how tired she is and how much more she wants me to help. So the only way i could think to help is to babysit as soon as i get home every day from 7pm to 2am, then go to sleep for work. Long story short, this isnt enough for her, she has gone rampantly crazy and is serious about divourse, all bc SHE THINKS I DONT CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILY,she has her mom and family in on everything bc she tells them how she gets NO HELP AT ALL.Theres been a few times when im changing his diaper and then she comes in the room and scallds me for not doing it the way she would do it, One time i volunteered to load dishwasher and she yelled and scallded me for not loading it correctly. i have been the only one of us calling to check on each other, she never calls me at work. How does one get another person to think reasonably?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

This is your first child, for both of you. The dynamic of your lives has changed drastically.

I have 4 children, and I remember when I left my career to care for our first child, I was very stressed out. I felt a huge responsibility to do everything right: keep the house clean, have dinner ready, take perfect care of our child, have a perfect environment for our child to grow up in.

Your wife is under a huge amount of stress. Taking care of a baby (the way I did, and the way she is doing) is an all day job. When the baby is awake, it needs constant attention, or it will cry if it gets bored or stays wet or poopy, or gets too hot or too cold, etc.

Then when the baby sleeps, is when mom cleans dishes, does laundry, takes a shower, maybe...maybe...gets some sleep.

When you get home, she thinks you will just jump in and get going on everything that needs to be done because the work at home and with the baby doesn't stop just because you are no longer expected at your paid job. The baby and the responsibilities of running a home don't have a time clock.

Don't offer to load the dishwasher. Just do it. Don't offer to do anything. Look around and see what has to be done and do it.

I know you are having a hard time adjusting, and you think she is sitting around all day while the baby smiles and says "googoo" but she is probably very busy if she is a good mother and wife. She is doing what has to be done, and then some. If she wrote everything down that she did in a day, the two of you would be amazed.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Timgo said:


> How does one get another person to think reasonably?


Bottom line, you can't. Every person thinks, and no matter what you do, will continue thinking, exactly as he/she chooses to think.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

If she attempts critique such simple things as how to change diaper or load the dishwasher, she's a controller. I have seen them before, and there is no satisfying them. Lay out exactly what you are going to do and not do. 
Controllers tend to be screamers and usually are self absorbed. Don't let her bully you or even allow her family to get involved. Sadly, I'd bet that eventually there will be a D. Get on top of it before she does.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

The first to understand is you can't just do stuff. It would be better if you ask her what she wants or what she needs you to do. That way, she can't very well say you aren't doing anything when she's the one divying out the chores.

The second thing to understand is you have to put a stop to her complaining and criticizing. You have to give her a wake up call. You can do that in one of two ways. 

Method 1) Call her from work and tell her you need to talk. Ask her if tonight will be okay. She's going to badger you to tell her what it's about, but you have to refuse to tell her over the phone. Just say "Honey, I want us to sit down at home when we talk." If she keeps badgering you, insist that she tell you the best time for the talk - today or would tomorrow be better? If she continues to badger you, say "Okay, nevermind. Call me back and tell me when." If she doesn't call back, call her after you get off work and ask again. If she starts badgering, tell her "I'm not coming home until we have a time set to talk - today or tomorrow?" She will answer then. If she doesn't, then don't go home.

If she answers you, then go home and be normal until time for the talk. Then talk about how her behavior is unacceptable, and you're not going to put up with it anymore. Enumerate for her, like you did for us, all the things that you have been doing. Tell her since she is so unsatisfied with your efforts, then you need her to tell you what she needs you to do. You need her to tell you the best way you can help her around the house. Proclaim to her that you have been a good husband to her and a good family man and that you are NOT the awful person she keeps making you out to be, and she has to stop because you are not taking it anymore. You have to let her know you understand she is stressed out with the new baby, but maybe she needs to see a doctor. It's possible she is having post partum depression and taking it out on you. Ask her for her gyn's phone number so you can make an appointment. She might insist there's nothing wrong with her (women don't always recognize it), but you have to insist she go see the doctor.

Method 2) Don't go home from work. Stay away for a day or two. Call her from work to let her know. Tell her you are tired of her complaining and criticizing and need a break. "I will see you in a couple days after I had time to decompress." When you return home, have the talk above. But if you go with this option, phone her mother to let her know so she can arrange for someone to be there in the house with your wife. If she is suffering from PPD, it may be best she not be left alone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Timgo said:


> I work, she doesnt, she has no problem spending money. I do what im supposed to do, i work, i dont cheat, not in trouble with law, no drugs, then i come home and do my best with helping out around the house, we have a 4 month old son, she always talks about how tired she is and how much more she wants me to help. So the only way i could think to help is to babysit as soon as i get home every day from 7pm to 2am, then go to sleep for work. Long story short, this isnt enough for her, she has gone rampantly crazy and is serious about divourse, all bc SHE THINKS I DONT CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILY,she has her mom and family in on everything bc she tells them how she gets NO HELP AT ALL.Theres been a few times when im changing his diaper and then she comes in the room and scallds me for not doing it the way she would do it, One time i volunteered to load dishwasher and she yelled and scallded me for not loading it correctly. i have been the only one of us calling to check on each other, she never calls me at work. How does one get another person to think reasonably?


*It greatly seems that she truly is, or is at least displaying overt signs of being the control freak from Hell!

Is that what you sincerely want out of life?*


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Timgo said:


> she has her mom and family in on everything bc she tells them how she gets NO HELP AT ALL.


Does she have a father? What is he like?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ask her what she wants, do it if you can, point out that you did it if she complains, and see what happens. If she still asks for divorce, give her what she wants. Of course, with a new baby, and post-partum hormones and possibly depression, cut her some slack for a while.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does she do during the hours that you are taking care of the baby?


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

I work outside the home, she doesn't. 

I don't recall ever changing a diaper, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house, anything that is the job of a housewife. It would be just as absurd as having her swap an engine out of one of the vehicles or bid on a construction job. We have two children through ages 8 and 7. I have cooked occasionally because I love to do it and they love what I cook too. But other than that we have clearly delineated responsibilities, and you should too. 

Life is so wonderful when you have a decent wife. Life is hell when you don't. I've had it both ways. Your wife is hell. 

The question is what to do about it. I wouldn't be kissing her rear end like you are. Women lose respect for men that are doormats. You can't really talk to a woman like this. You have to enforce boundaries by refusing to be pushed around, and you have to impose consequences for bad behavior.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Timgo said:


> I work, she doesnt, she has no problem spending money. I do what im supposed to do, i work, i dont cheat, not in trouble with law, no drugs, then i come home and do my best with helping out around the house, we have a 4 month old son, she always talks about how tired she is and how much more she wants me to help. *So the only way i could think to help is to babysit as soon as i get home every day from 7pm to 2am, *then go to sleep for work. Long story short, this isnt enough for her, she has gone rampantly crazy and is serious about divourse, all bc SHE THINKS I DONT CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILY,she has her mom and family in on everything bc she tells them how she gets NO HELP AT ALL.Theres been a few times when im changing his diaper and then she comes in the room and scallds me for not doing it the way she would do it, One time i volunteered to load dishwasher and she yelled and scallded me for not loading it correctly. i have been the only one of us calling to check on each other, she never calls me at work. How does one get another person to think reasonably?


Where is she during this time? 

Also, you say "we have a 4 month old son" but then you claim to babysit. So which is it, are you the father or the babysitter?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I have a rule that I've used throughout my lifetime, and found to be pretty effective: Anyone who complains about how I choose to perform a task around the house, has just volunteered to take over that task. 

So, OP, next time you're doing something and your wife starts telling you all the ways you're doing it wrong, just stop whatever you're doing right then and there. Look her in the eye so that you have her full attention, and very calmly but very seriously, tell her that her criticism is neither needed nor appreciated and that if it continues, you will turn the task completely over to her from now on. Next time she starts complaining about the way you do that same task, say that since she clearly doesn't think you're doing X the correct way, that you will no longer be doing X. And then walk away. She needs to be aware that she is choosing, by her behavior, to add more to her own plate. 

Now, this assumes that whatever you're doing, however you choose to do it, results in the task actually being completed with satisfactory results. Don't be the guy who turns all the laundry pink, or "forgets" the diaper rash cream for the baby every single time, just so that you can toss those chores back to your wife's chore list when she says something about it.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

She's overwhelmed and definitely needs help. Approach the situation with sympathy. Stop the mad frenzy of doing stuff and stop. Look her in the eyes and tell her you love her and want to help her. You understand this is all new and scary for both of you. You will help in every way possible. Love, sympathize, repeat. 

Does she need a helper during the day? Or during the night so you can spend some time together unwinding? Are mom and family helping? A third party like a therapist might help you find sanity and compromise.

She may be insane. If so, this is a sickness that needs treatment. Don't get mad at her; get her help. Listen to her. You both need help in a serious way. Ask for it.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Post partum depression maybe?


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

I can absolutely say, after my first baby was born, I had undiagnosed PPD. Looking back, and in IC years later, I can clearly see this. I treated my husband in some of the ways you describe, without really realizing. So I agree with prior posters about getting her to a doctor. 

I brushed PPD off. I was completely in love and devoted to my baby. I wanted nothing more than to be the best mother possible. I associated PPD with negative or resentful feelings towards my baby. I was young, and wrong. I also had a husband who worked all day. I have to say that the only way to help her through this is to stay open and communicative with her. Even if you don’t want to in that moment. 

I recommend: compliment and express appreciation for her and this change in her life. I had a lot of resentment that I was home alone all day, id left my work that I really loved, had little access to other adults. I felt bad for talking about those feelings out loud, since it sounded like I was resentful or not enjoying my baby - I was. So I didn’t talk about these things. But I sure felt them. my husband would come home and help where he could. But he was like you. He’d ask me what he should do. I didn’t like this. He is an adult, he lives there too. Why do I need to give him a list, like a child? I just wanted him to stand up and help. Just look around and handle something. I wanted him to be an adult. I needed to NOT be the only adult for a while.

It’s important to mention also, that after you have a baby, you begin to feel like the least important person on the totem pole. I found this especially while nursing. My life, body, schedule, choices were all dictated by someone else. Little things - my H would sleep all night, then get up in time for work, jump in the shower and leave. I can’t even imagine (still! And my kids are pre-teens now) just worrying about myself only. Basic things like having a shower become difficult. Acknowledge that. We don’t always need you to DO something about it. Sometimes just saying “(xyz) must be hard” is enough. Acknowledgement.

I wanted my H to say “wife, I know this is a huge change for you, hormonally, emotionally. I really appreciate all you do for our family”. “The house looks great, thanks for washing my laundry, I’m glad you made time to take the baby to the infant swim class today. I know you gave up a lot for our family - I really appreciate you making that sacrifice”. etc. Even though I WANTED a baby very much, it was still a sacrifice. Instead he just complained about working all day while I was “sitting at home”. He often said “I’d give anything to trade places with you and stay home with the baby!” 

My H made me feel that he was slaving away while I was sitting at home living the dream, being taken care of by him. Please just acknowledge how difficult the job is. How monotonous it can be. When you are expressing appreciation of her I’d bet she’ll start communicating her thankfulness for you too. The simple acknowledgment that she’s working hard goes a long way. 

Being a SAHM is not very rewarding. Not in the day-to-day. Years down the road you can look back and be glad you did it. But in the moment, it’s isolating, draining, and can be hard to feel successful. You miss the old you, who enjoyed adult conversation, was educated, had time and energy to read books, liked to have regular sex and all kinds of things that just suddenly aren’t you any more.

I also think most people underestimate the impact having a baby can have on a woman. It’s assumed we are just wired to handle it. We can never explain it to a man. Sometimes we can’t explain it to other women - I don’t think it happens to all of us. Feelings and emotions we never thought we’d experience suddenly are there. I lost who I was. It took a while to get myself back. 

I understand that it is hard to feel nurturing to someone who is behaving this way, especially if she won’t really acknowledge it’s happening. I’d keep talking to her about how you expect to be treated. I wouldn’t let her disrespect you. When she wants to critique how you’re doing things I’d let her know that she can handle that item herself then, and you’ll move onto something else. Do not let her walk all over you. She will not respect you if you do so. But I’d ALSO be conscious of nurturing her emotionally as well. While you’re talking about these things be calm and rational and respectful. Look in her eyes. Hug her. Let her know you really do WANT to help her during this time, and you’re trying your very best. Tell her the appreciative things I mentioned above from your heart, too. She can’t respond in hurtful, disrespectful ways if you’re treating her that way. If she does, she ABSOLUTELY needs to see a doctor right away. 

For what it’s worth, it took till my baby was 12-14 months old to really get over a lot of this. Shortly after that I got pregnant again, and I did not have the same issues with my second baby. It was a much better experience for all of us.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think everyone should read his other thread. His wife calls the police over mundane stuff!!!


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I think everyone should read his other thread. His wife calls the police over mundane stuff!!!


Wow. Ok. Yeah. Based on that other thread, Timgo’s wife is not ok. She needs to see a doctor ASAP.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Rowan said:


> I have a rule that I've used throughout my lifetime, and found to be pretty effective: *Anyone who complains about how I choose to perform a task around the house, has just volunteered to take over that task. *
> 
> So, OP, next time you're doing something and your wife starts telling you all the ways you're doing it wrong, just stop whatever you're doing right then and there. Look her in the eye so that you have her full attention, and very calmly but very seriously, tell her that her criticism is neither needed nor appreciated and that if it continues, you will turn the task completely over to her from now on. Next time she starts complaining about the way you do that same task, say that since she clearly doesn't think you're doing X the correct way, that you will no longer be doing X. And then walk away. She needs to be aware that she is choosing, by her behavior, to add more to her own plate.
> 
> Now, this assumes that whatever you're doing, however you choose to do it, results in the task actually being completed with satisfactory results. Don't be the guy who turns all the laundry pink, or "forgets" the diaper rash cream for the baby every single time, just so that you can toss those chores back to your wife's chore list when she says something about it.


Bingo!


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## Timgo (Feb 27, 2018)

StarFires said:


> The first to understand is you can't just do stuff. It would be better if you ask her what she wants or what she needs you to do. That way, she can't very well say you aren't doing anything when she's the one divying out the chores.
> 
> The second thing to understand is you have to put a stop to her complaining and criticizing. You have to give her a wake up call. You can do that in one of two ways.
> 
> ...


 thank you, i have had this talk with her before, she gets mad again when i tell her that i need her to tell me what to do, she says she shpuldnt have to tell me what needs to be done, and then later on when i ask anyway, she says welllllllll i pretty much got everything, i ask if i can take our son and feed him while she is feeding him and she says no i got it all the time


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## Timgo (Feb 27, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> What does she do during the hours that you are taking care of the baby?


 chores and sleep


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## Timgo (Feb 27, 2018)

Nucking Futs said:


> Timgo said:
> 
> 
> > I work, she doesnt, she has no problem spending money. I do what im supposed to do, i work, i dont cheat, not in trouble with law, no drugs, then i come home and do my best with helping out around the house, we have a 4 month old son, she always talks about how tired she is and how much more she wants me to help. *So the only way i could think to help is to babysit as soon as i get home every day from 7pm to 2am, *then go to sleep for work. Long story short, this isnt enough for her, she has gone rampantly crazy and is serious about divourse, all bc SHE THINKS I DONT CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILY,she has her mom and family in on everything bc she tells them how she gets NO HELP AT ALL.Theres been a few times when im changing his diaper and then she comes in the room and scallds me for not doing it the way she would do it, One time i volunteered to load dishwasher and she yelled and scallded me for not loading it correctly. i have been the only one of us calling to check on each other, she never calls me at work. How does one get another person to think reasonably?
> ...


 im the father, i meant babysit as in care for him


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## Timgo (Feb 27, 2018)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> I can absolutely say, after my first baby was born, I had undiagnosed PPD. Looking back, and in IC years later, I can clearly see this. I treated my husband in some of the ways you describe, without really realizing. So I agree with prior posters about getting her to a doctor.
> 
> I brushed PPD off. I was completely in love and devoted to my baby. I wanted nothing more than to be the best mother possible. I associated PPD with negative or resentful feelings towards my baby. I was young, and wrong. I also had a husband who worked all day. I have to say that the only way to help her through this is to stay open and communicative with her. Even if you don’t want to in that moment.
> 
> ...


 thank you for the personal experience, really appreciated


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Timgo said:


> thank you, i have had this talk with her before, she gets mad again when i tell her that i need her to tell me what to do, she says she shpuldnt have to tell me what needs to be done, and then later on when i ask anyway, she says welllllllll i pretty much got everything, i ask if i can take our son and feed him while she is feeding him and she says no i got it all the time


I've known asking gets good results when just doing causes problems, so it sounds like she's just being contentious. I know that must be driving you crazy for her to criticize every doggoned thing you do, don't do, and how you do it. Sounds like her anxiety is over the roof and needs to see a doctor. Post partum depression is very common. It might only take a few months on meds to get her head and hormones back in sync.

And yeah, people babysit other people's children. For your own children, it's called parenting. To call it babysitting sounds detached and like you are doing her a favor, but he's your kid too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When is she going to get a job?

If she doesn't get a job, you are going to need to plan on how you're going to pay child support and alimony to a wife that has no job experience. If she is like this early in the marriage, do you really expect things are going to get better? I am not telling you to divorce her. I'm telling you that you need to change her lifestyle by putting her to work. Being a stay at home mom isn't working out really great for you, is it?

JOB JOB JOB

Give her something to complain about that actually brings in some money. She isn't going to do a good job as a mom, anyway. You can likely hire a sitter. Even if her job only pays for the child care, she she should get a job. She totally sucks as a housewife. Always will.

Read the handwriting on the wall. She's left you plenty.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Timgo said:


> thank you, i have had this talk with her before, she gets mad again when i tell her that i need her to tell me what to do, she says she shpuldnt have to tell me what needs to be done, and then later on when i ask anyway, she says welllllllll i pretty much got everything, i ask if i can take our son and feed him while she is feeding him and she says no i got it all the time


You're an adult, are you not? And more importantly, can you adult? Look around yourself while at home. Are the counters dirty? Do the floors need sweeping? Are there papers scattered around? Do the dishes need doing? Look around, see what needs doing, and just do it. If she complains about HOW you're doing it, another poster had it right when they said that the complainer then gets to do said task.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> When is she going to get a job?
> 
> If she doesn't get a job, you are going to need to plan on how you're going to pay child support and alimony to a wife that has no job experience. If she is like this early in the marriage, do you really expect things are going to get better? I am not telling you to divorce her. I'm telling you that you need to change her lifestyle by putting her to work. Being a stay at home mom isn't working out really great for you, is it?
> 
> ...


Maybe she's doing the best that she can. No one is the perfect parent, afterall.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Looking at the other thread......

His wife is clearly BPD....

Or OP is greatly exaggerrating


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Ursula said:


> You're an adult, are you not? And more importantly, can you adult? Look around yourself while at home. Are the counters dirty? Do the floors need sweeping? Are there papers scattered around? Do the dishes need doing? Look around, see what needs doing, and just do it. If she complains about HOW you're doing it, another poster had it right when they said that the complainer then gets to do said task.


Yeah, if you can't look around the place and see what needs doing like a mature adult, no wonder she gets upset at having to give you a chore list like you are a child. I suppose you could compromise and ask her which of several chores you see need doing that she would prefer you to tackle first.

As for her criticism of you doing things wrong, don't be manipulative and say that her criticism just means she gets the chore back. There are right ways and wrong ways to load a dishwasher, and they vary by dishwasher model. There are right ways and wrong ways to do laundry. Take the time to learn the right ones. Maybe your technique in washing whatever-it-is could use some improvement, who knows? If you are legitimately doing a poor job at some chores and creating more work for her instead of less, you want to know it. Everybody should always be open to criticism, though of course it is also the responsibility of the person giving it to make it constructive instead of hurtful.

Lastly, her job during the day is to look after the child. Your job during the day is to be at work earning money. Looking after the household and the baby in the evening and at night is BOTH your jobs, and you should be doing them together for bonding, or by dividing and conquering.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> She has gone rampantly crazy and is serious about divorce.


Timgo, I agree with @*Evinrude* that, in your several threads, you are describing many classic symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). This includes her temper tantrums, distorted perception of your intentions, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and inability to regulate her own emotions.

The vast majority of strong BPD behavior, however, is not caused by the lifetime disorder called "BPD." Rather, the most common cause is a hormone change such as that occurring in puberty, pregnancy, postpartum (PPD), PMS, perimenopause -- or, LOL, any other life event starting with the letter "p." 

Because your W gave birth only 4 months ago, the first thing to check out is PPD. I therefore join the many other respondents recommending that she have her hormone levels evaluated by her OB/GYN physician or an endocrinologist. PPD can cause strong BPD behaviors lasting several years but, if she receives medical treatment, it likely will not exceed a year.

P.S. -- Skip the $10,000 ring but keep the Dodge Viper.


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## Timgo (Feb 27, 2018)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Ursula said:
> 
> 
> > You're an adult, are you not? And more importantly, can you adult? Look around yourself while at home. Are the counters dirty? Do the floors need sweeping? Are there papers scattered around? Do the dishes need doing? Look around, see what needs doing, and just do it. If she complains about HOW you're doing it, another poster had it right when they said that the complainer then gets to do said task.
> ...


You must be a hardcore feminist


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## Timgo (Feb 27, 2018)

Uptown said:


> > She has gone rampantly crazy and is serious about divorce.
> 
> 
> Timgo, I agree with @*Evinrude* that, in your several threads, you are describing many classic symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). This includes her temper tantrums, distorted perception of your intentions, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and inability to regulate her own emotions.
> ...


 thank you for your input, this seems like the most comprehensive advice i have recieved yet.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Timgo said:


> You must be a hardcore feminist


Too funny.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Timgo said:


> You must be a hardcore feminist


Nope, not at all. I'm all for equality in a relationship.


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> I work outside the home, she doesn't.
> 
> I don't recall ever changing a diaper, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house, anything that is the job of a housewife. It would be just as absurd as having her swap an engine out of one of the vehicles or bid on a construction job. We have two children through ages 8 and 7. I have cooked occasionally because I love to do it and they love what I cook too. But other than that we have clearly delineated responsibilities, and you should too.
> 
> ...


It must hurt like hell dragging your knuckles on the ground.

Sheesh!


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