# Wifey is like a crab...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I finally found a reason behind my relentless poking and desire to see her explode and lose control from time to time. :smthumbup:

Since I've met her she's always been good with faces, wore one for me, one for her family, and different ones for the world. She also has this 'strong woman' thing going on too which is nice, but sometimes she can try too hard. From time to time she forgets to take off her masks and be herself with me.

Whenever I notice this, for some reason, I have a rather irritable desire to poke her repeatedly (an itch that I just have to scratch), because she's actually very cute and soft and fluffy inside her shell -> and when she's issed: ... she's actually very honest and forward and funny 

This only works with shallow issues however, deeper issues she has never admitted though I strongly suspect. Can never get to the root of the problem unless she really sees it.

I'm never frightened of her even though she's slowly become more confident in regards to physically trying to hurt me with slaps, bites, racks, etc -> which turned out to be a sexual trigger for us. My question is, are we really that unhealthy? Is what I'm doing wrong? It seems to work... yet, our marriage is rather odd compared to others.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

The “faces” are called personas: “the particular type of character that a person seems to have, which is often different from their real or private character”.

I think as we go through life some of us develop and adopt multiple personas, for situations as you describe. From the outside, these can appear to be multiple personalities in one person. Part of individuating (growing up/maturing) is to form the multiple personas into one persona which reflects who the person really is at their very core.

I think most marriages are “odd”, it just depends who is doing the assessing. But if you do discover what normal is perhaps you’ll let me know.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I finally found a reason behind my relentless poking and desire to see her explode and lose control from time to time. :smthumbup:
> 
> Since I've met her she's always been good with faces, wore one for me, one for her family, and different ones for the world. She also has this 'strong woman' thing going on too which is nice, but sometimes she can try too hard. From time to time she forgets to take off her masks and be herself with me.
> 
> ...


Your post makes me think of this quote >>>










Our marraige is ODD compared to others too. Who wants to be perfectly normal anyway, wouldn't that get a little boring? 


I don't physically bite, scratch & slap to hurt my husband, but I can be a handful at times, I don't have different faces with different people, I am generally consistently "ME" , not always sure that is the wisest course to take with some people, I could use a changing of faces at times. 

I am , however, just like your wife when I am little issed: (brutally honest , very forward & can be downright :rofl, so much so that my children like to egg it on sometimes and enjoy me & dad going at it. I rant about something, then he has some rediculous come back line that exposes how stupid I am being, and diffuses me. We do alot of what I call "Course bantering" in our house and much enjoy it. 

Of coarse there are times we both get REALLY mad, but this is much less often. 

It sounds , for the most part you really enjoy each other. 

These deeper issues, do you feel she is holding something back, not being totally *vulnerable* with you?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@AFEH

Aye, but I guess with wifey's multiple personas they aren't exactly different sides of her, they are more like masks lol, she's incredibly social, but I guess her experiences with dealing with different people from different cultures/religions, and having to keep her family happy without conforming to their wishes (she's family orientated, YET strong-willed and opinionated), has got her into the habit of putting on masks.

@SA

Heh true, we are weird, but the passion is always there and we complete each other nicely. We both blow off steam together - in all sorts of ways, including clawing each other silly. 

I still remember once we were both playing this game Dragon Age and when I got her to do something really wrong her character got dumped by her love interest and she went "OMG" and started slapping me silly like a little girl in frustration and shock. I was laughing my ass off while she was losing it too, so cute!

As for the deeper issues, I think the problem lies with the fact that she doesn't see it as a problem - like for example, my ballsac emptying to her is a necessity not a problem -> like having to pee, a necessity. Bah!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Found this on the net:

SociallyPositive.com » How People are Just Like Hermit Crabs in Shells

I would agree with you that your wife doesn't seem to perceive/accept/care that your problem is also her problem. She lacks empathy for you and your situation. How to Create More Empathy in Your Relationship by Tammie Day |

Does she acknowledge the issue in any way at all? Willing to work on it at all (if not then that's pure selfishness)? How long are you willing to tolerate the situation?

Best wishes.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

RDude . . . I've been reading your posts for awhile. And as 'odd' as you think your marraige might be, it seems built on honesty and truthfullness between you two. 

What better marriage is that????

I'm sure there are tons of 'normal' , 'happy' marriages out there in divoce court today that didn't have a shred of honesty.

You two got it going on! Let the slapping, scratching, biting begin!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jayde said:


> RDude . . . I've been reading your posts for awhile. And as 'odd' as you think your marraige might be, it seems built on honesty and truthfullness between you two.
> 
> What better marriage is that????
> 
> ...


@ Random Dude ~ I guess that I was under the impression that you did not always like the situation between you and your wife. That you sometimes feel used and abused and get tired of it. If you don't feel that way, then yeah, you do have a great marriage - and as long as it makes both of you happy, then it doesn't really matter what it looks like to other people.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think what saves Random Dude is his ability to continue to LAUGH at -even the sheer pain of the antics his wife puts him through, although she drives him to the edge of the cliff at times, DRAINS the daylights out of him, if he even tried to leave her, he would miss her like a FLOOD! He knows he will not find that type of passion with another. 

He knows it, she knows it. We all have something we need to work on. I can tell by his posts, he in no way is going to leave her! Too many marraiges are lacking what they have -even if he may come here & complain from time to time. Some of us are crazy enough to thrive on the "intensity", and because the GOOD is soooo darn Good, it helps deal with the bad when it comes. 

Poor guy - cause none can relate to him but wish they could ! He has so little support, but I think he can even laugh at that, the ironicy of it. 

My husband made this comment to me one time, I asked him if he ever felt the Grass might be Greener with someone else, he answers “oh No its greeeeen, overloaded with fertilizer”. And he tells me I have "overmilked my cow". I have given him some trouble over not being aggressive with me at times, but he still says he wouldn't trade anything, cause when it is good, it is really goooooooood . Although the bad is not always a walk in the park, we are totally honest with each other and we , like Random & his wife, can laugh about our flaws after the fact, seriously making great fun of each other, we even enjoy doing it. 

If a marraige has THIS ability , it is one you won't easily give up on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think what saves Random Dude is his ability to continue to LAUGH at -even the sheer pain of the antics his wife puts him through, although she drives him to the edge of the cliff at times, DRAINS the daylights out of him, if he even tried to leave her, he would miss her like a FLOOD! He knows he will not find that type of passion with another.
> 
> He knows it, she knows it. We all have something we need to work on. I can tell by his posts, he in no way is going to leave her! Too many marraiges are lacking what they have -even if he may come here & complain from time to time. Some of us are crazy enough to thrive on the "intensity", and because the GOOD is soooo darn Good, it helps deal with the bad when it comes.
> 
> Poor guy - cause none can relate to him but wish they could !


I don't know. I dont mean to offend at all but reading some of RD's post--his marriage with her sounds exhausting. Or rather, she sounds exhausting. It seems he is willing to bend over backwards for him and she will not meet him halfway, wants what she wants and his needs come last to her. It sounds very one-sided at times when I read his posts.

But perhaps I am reading it wrong.

Either way, as long as they both put forth the same effort/commitment and both feel like their needs are being met, then I guess that is all that matters.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't know. I dont mean to offend at all but reading some of RD's post--his marriage with her sounds exhausting. Or rather, she sounds exhausting. It seems he is willing to bend over backwards for him and she will not meet him halfway, wants what she wants and his needs come last to her. It sounds very one-sided at times when I read his posts.
> 
> But perhaps I am reading it wrong.
> 
> Either way, as long as they both put forth the same effort/commitment and both feel like their needs are being met, then I guess that is all that matters.


I think maybe I choose to see the more comical side of his relationship, where as someone else may not see that but see MORE TURBULANCE,e even pain. I believe he has a fair measure of both. 

There are some couples who can hardly live with each other -due to personality quirks -but have an overwhelming LOVE for each other none the less -that many could not understand -why they put up with what they do. But yet, it is there and it won't go away.....

THIS is what I tend to see from his story- reflected in his posts. Maybe that is what I want to see -as I can identify with his wife in some regards, not that I am a crab draining my husband 3 times a day (although there was a time!) , but just some of the way he describes their antics sounds similar to MY own marriage- hence my thoughs. I think we all tend to 
speak out of our own experiences, maybe I am doing it a little TOO much in regards to him. 

But you are RIGHT, maybe it IS more serious, maybe he will accually leave her if she does not come to her senses and reign in her appetite for his body. Maybe I am all wet & being too light hearted about his troubles. I guess I tend to see their GOOD outweighing their BAD. 

Random, if you had to give to do an on average % GOOD __________ and a % BAD _____________ -how would you rate your marraige ?

I have seen others who apologize for possibly offending me, don't be silly Jellybeans , speak your mind!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@SimplyAmorous 

Well, the humor keeps me sane!

Anyways our marriage underwent a lot of trails, the last big one was last year when I joined - an inter-religious crisis that some of you may remember, which actually pushed us to a seperation... for only a few days, before we slammed straight back into each other - with lessons learnt.

I guess one thing we do have regardless is our passion. It's love/hate in a way... Like, she has enough redeeming qualities to balance out her bad side, but I realised it all comes in with the package anyway. For example, she's stubborn, but with that package she's also strong. She's manipulative and cunning, but also very intelligent and organised. She's demanding and high maintenance, but also loving and faithful. She's spoiled and enjoys extravagance, but also elegant and makes a good home for our family. She's complicated and difficult, but also fun and interesting.



> Random, if you had to give to do an on average % GOOD __________ and a % BAD _____________ -how would you rate your marraige ?


Well, hmmm...

Before marriage hmmm... 85% Good, 15% Bad
First year of marriage... 60% Good, 40% Bad
Before this year... 40% Good, 60% Bad, and the bad was enough to cause a short split.
Nowadays... 80% Good, 20% Bad

@Jellybeans

That's just her bad side, which comes out from time to time. Her manipulativeness is like her weapon, and reflecting on this, makes me realise that poking her also actually disarms her! When she's in angel-mood she's the best person to have at one's side, she's clever and resourceful, but when she's in demon-mood... argh! 

I also remember her telling me months ago after our crisis ended, that she knows her flaws and also doesn't like it when she becomes something she confessed to hating; last year she used her talent of wearing faces to full effect getting family, friends, church, and even counsellors to side with her and almost pushed me to the point of submission - in which I would rather die, she also twisted her own god's word to her benefit and became what she once called herself; a pharisee. Thankfully those evil days are over.

Guess I learnt to handle her demon, draw it out of her! Anger has a stupifying effect! Hence I poke! Eventually her heart comes back to surface. The continual and recurring issue we do have however is the sex, as she can still be rather selfish in this regard. And she has all the support in the world hence does not see it as a problem that I'm being milked like a cow until it hurts with a persistent pain like someone is squeezing my ballsacs hard. But it's not a make or break issue - we're still too close to each other to really split, even if she hurts me, nonetheless it does annoy the crap outta me.

And the issue was supposed to be fixed this year!!! Bah! Can never fix this! Oh well... But I'm glad that it's confirmed, that I shouldn't have to stop poking her during our conflict resolution sessions. Sometimes she forgets that I can handle her at her "worst" too (as in my opinion, her worst is when she's silent, not when she's mad), but doesn't mean that I don't call her out when she starts being silly! From time to time guess we need a bit of a rumble.

At the moment though I'm thinking of tying her up and leaving her on the bed the next time she tries to demand sex (like in this clip: ‪Desperate Housewives - could you at least scratch my nose?‬‏ - YouTube ) Would be interesting! Might have to film her reaction too! :rofl: My only fear however is that since I've banned handcuffs and restraints in the household (to my wife's frustration), doing that prank would make her think that the rule no longer applies and she might end up getting me back... HARD. =/ Anyways, cuffs got banned for a reason. She has scary emasculating fantasies that freaks the hell outta me. Nightmare material.

Thankfully she only forfilled one - with me screaming and yelling at her in pain - and later banning handcuffs/restraints for good. Regardless at least my butthole is still an exit-only virgin.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I finally found a reason behind my relentless poking and desire to see her explode and lose control from time to time. :smthumbup:
> 
> Since I've met her she's always been good with faces, wore one for me, one for her family, and different ones for the world. She also has this 'strong woman' thing going on too which is nice, but sometimes she can try too hard. From time to time she forgets to take off her masks and be herself with me.
> 
> ...


IDK maybe it's the way you describe her that's wierd? Then you adding you like to push her buttons......but this isn't a comparison of what's the norm. Is it working for you?

If it is then that's all that matters, right??


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

True, but I guess I should stop comparing us with the norm. She's anything but normal, and can be dangerous at times. To be honest she's given me more headaches then I could count, yet I love her. She has this side of hers that can end up being very manipulative and shockingly always 1 or 2 steps ahead of me -> making her difficult to handle. Until she's issed: , then she gets stupified and fixable lol.

One thing about me too, whenever she's mad, I'm in complete control, to the point I can even become intelligently mocking and sarcastic (drives her even further up her wall, but I am always careful to take the piss outta the stupidity, but not her as a person), guess I lure her into my battleground with my rules by turning things into a flaming WW and take all the heat until she's out of ammunition and her heart finally comes back to surface.

Guess that's why I poke... interesting reflection really.


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