# Who gets the house?



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Ive been with my wife for 14yrs but married for 6, we're in the process of going thru a divorce. She wants me to move out of our house for "her healing to start" and wants me to start the divorce process. I dont want to leave the house...reason being i was told it could affect the outcome of the division of property. Her and i spoke about a week ago and the result was pretty amicable, we agreed to joint custody of the children, no child support or alimony for either one of us. I also mentioned id like to sell the house, that way we'd both have a pretty penny from the sale to buy smaller homes where both our children can flourish instead of me moving out and having to pay $1800 for a 3 bedroom apt...which is more then we pay for the mortgage of our home. Keep in mind this is just her and i talking, no mediation just yet, which is the route we plan on taking, but a verbal agreement between the two of us that we agreed upon.

Fast forward a couple of days and she's changed her mind...she wants to keep the house, wants me to leave as soon as possible so she can start healing. i dont know what to do...i want to move on with mediation but now it seems like i might have to go the lawyer route which i didnt want to do to save us both money. I dont want to leave the house yet, i know i eventually need to and thats fine...but she seems to want me out by the start of the next month. 

I had agreed to leave once the mediation and filing had been completed but she wants me out asap. i dont know what im suppose to do, i want to start the mediation process but she says shes not in the right head space to discuss anything that has to do with the divorce. I keep reading that the mom will usually get the house if I litigate.... It's that really the case? I really feel selling the house would be beneficial for all of us...am I wrong? If neither of us budge on this will they award the house to one of us or order the home to be sold? Or is their another option I'm not considering? Does anyone have guidance on how I should proceed or insight on how the judge will most likely rule?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do not leave the marital home until divorce proceedings have started. Your wife could accuse you of abandonment and this would affect the outcome of the divorce settlement. 
If she’s so inclined let her leave.
You need to understand that she’s not your friend in this situation and you haven’t given enough information to get better advice. Why are you divorcing in the first place?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If the house is large then the best thing is for it to be sold so that you can both buy a home to have the children being that you have joint custody. 
My advise is to see a lawyer initially to get advise about the house and if you should move out etc. 
I definitely wouldn't move out until you have had advise. Maybe you could suggest she moves out if she is so desperate to be alone?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

See your lawyer and DON'T move out!!!!!

She may want to keep the house, but does she have the funds to pay you your equity and be approved for a mortgage on her own?


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You need to understand that she’s not your friend in this situation and you haven’t given enough information to get better advice. Why are you divorcing in the first place?


I wasnt meeting her needs emotionally...ive always had difficulty not only expressing my feelings/emotions but i found it difficult to show empathy. its been a long time coming and i realize now after therapy that it was me and me alone. i hold no hard feelings for her wanting to do this...i get it...she felt neglected in that aspect for years and theres no one to blame but me.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

She thinks she's in charge, doesn't she?

First of all, don't leave. That can be seen as abandonment. Tell her it's too damned bad she doesn't like it, but you're not going anywhere. Let her begin her 'healing' in the laundry room if she needs somewhere to be alone because you're not leaving. 

What a damned drama queen.

Secondly, *get to a lawyer now*. NEVER make decisions based on what you've seen on TV or what your buddy at work told you. Get to a lawyer and EDUCATE yourself on the laws of your state and what you are LEGALLY entitled to in a divorce - with respect to both your assets and your children. NEVER make decisions on what she's telling you to do or threatening to do.

Just because she changes her mind like a kid changes his socks doesn't mean you have to be passive and try to please her every time she barks a different command. Those days are done.

Get to a lawyer. *NOW.*


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> See your lawyer and DON'T move out!!!!!
> 
> She may want to keep the house, but does she have the funds to pay you your equity and be approved for a mortgage on her own?


She'll struggle to pay the mortgage on her own for a bit...but im sure she can do it...she gets paid well and if she makes some strategic cuts to her weekly expenses she should be ok.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Fortunately for you, you have a say in how this goes too. She has agreed to the divorce and needs to understand that while she may want to begin her healing process now she's going to have to put her personal wants aside for the time being, that's not how it works. It's a divorce after all.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

garciajo738 said:


> She'll struggle to pay the mortgage on her own for a bit...but im sure she can do it...she gets paid well and if she makes some strategic cuts to her weekly expenses she should be ok.


Yeah but will a lender approve her for a loan on her own? Does she have the funds to pay you your equity? She can think she is keeping the house but that doesn't mean it's going to work in reality. 

I can't stress enough how badly you need an attorney. Or you're going to get massively ****ed.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

*Don't move.* That's the #1 mistake people make. You probably need to get lawyers involved unfortunately.

But first, I would find out what the house is worth. Then see how much you owe. Take the difference and divide by 2. So if the house is worth $400K and you owe $200K...difference is $200K, so ask her she can buy you out for $100K. Doubt she will go for it since a) she probably doesn't have the money unless she can refinance and b) you both won't agree on the value of the house. But it's worth a shot. You could also tell her you will buy her out and stay in the house.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Don't move out. If she wants to stay then she should have to buy you out for half the equity in the house.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

garciajo738 said:


> Fast forward a couple of days and she's changed her mind...she wants to keep the house, wants me to leave as soon as possible so she can start healing. i dont know what to do


Honestly, I don't think she knows how it works.

Here is how it works, and you should get an attorney to make this plain to her and her attorney(when the time comes)

I wouldn't sweat moving out, *but don't do anything until you have consulted an attorney*. Why wouldn't I sweat it? Because if you move out, then SHE owes YOU half of the equity in the home.

Does she have it to give you? If not, then does she have a retirement? If so, she can pay it out of that if there is enough transferable to your retirement, if you have one, minus whatever they figure retirement entitlement was prior to the house equity being an issue.

If she doesn't have a retirement and you do, then the agreement could be that if she wants the house, then she simply will give up the value in your retirement equal to 1/2 the equity.

If you move out, you will sign a quit claim deed over to her, she owes you 1/2 the equity, one way or the other(again, consult an attorney), and she takes over ALL expenses on the house from that day forward, and you can move on.

Let me tell you how it happened in my situation. My X wanted me to move out. My attorney told hers exactly what I told you above. She couldn't afford to pay me the equity, and the amount she was already entitled to in my retirement wasn't enough to pay me 1/2 the equity. So she moved out. I paid her half the equity by agreeing to pay the marital debt which was about the same amount as her 1/2 of the equity. The agreement was that once the quit claim deed was signed by her that she doesn't have any claim to anything on the house. Even if I made a huge profit on the house when selling, she gave that up.

So I wouldn't be too worried about leaving the house because it will either be a huge bargaining chip for you, or you could come out smelling like a rose, while moving on. 
But again, do NOT move out until you speak to an attorney.



> I keep reading that the mom will usually get the house if I litigate.... It's that really the case?


It's possible, but not a certainty. But in any case you don't lose your right to half of the property equity. She could get the house, but again, she'll owe you $, one way or the other.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

garciajo738 said:


> She'll struggle to pay the mortgage on her own for a bit...but im sure she can do it...she gets paid well and if she makes some strategic cuts to her weekly expenses she should be ok.


How would she pay you your 1/2 of the equity?


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

First, understand that NOTHING here should be construed as legal advice.

Also, State divorce laws are different so depending on your state, anything here could be out and out wrong.

That being said.....

Assuming that it is safe for you to stay, i.e. you are not in an abusive situation putting your safety at risk, you should not move out of the marital home unless under advice from your lawyer. While it won't necessarily affect your rights to your share of the home equity, it could affect your position with custody if he also changes her mind on that front.

Second. Talk to a lawyer! A lawyer in your jurisdiction will know exactly how to deal with your situation. I know you don't want to spend the money. But the decisions made here will not only affect the rest of your life, it will affect the rest of your children's lives as well. It is important that you make these decisions with all of the information possible. A lawyer is vital for that.

She has already tried to change the deal once. Nothing is stopping her from trying to change the deal again. Once she doesn't get her way on this, she could try other ways to manipulate you to get what she wants. She could go to a lawyer first unknown to you, and then you are truly behind the eight ball playing catch up.

Divorce can get very complicated. In the emotions of the moment, it is very easy to make horrible decisions at a critical moment. Using a lawyer is vital.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I may differ from a lot of people, but I say you have to take the kids into account, now more than ever....If the quality of life for your kids will be better in this house and neighborhood/schools then if you both had to downgrade and move, then there is also that to consider...If the kids will be the happiest, most stable, and least affected by staying in the marital home, the one they grew up in and the one they are used to, then you may have to let her stay for the sake of the kids,....

BUT,,......You need to also make sure you protect what is rightfully yours at the same time...And that is something you need to work out with an attorney, if the two of you can't mediate it....The best scenario is if she could buy you out, but with the price of housing still sky high in most areas, she may have to be a brain surgeon to pull that off on her own...

This may mean you get the short end initially, but most of the guys I know that divorced did it this way....We sacrifice for the kids...

Its a big plus that you are amicable, which usually means you can work out the details and particulars civilly without lining the pockets of the attorneys...

Think about your kids, but make sure you are protected....Your kids will thank you later.... 😉


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> First, understand that NOTHING here should be construed as legal advice.


Good catch, as with my advice. It is simply what I know and what my lawyers did with my situation. Every situation is different. Thanks for saying this.

I can tell you without a doubt, @garciajo738, is that you are entitled to 1/2 the equity in the house and if you end up moving out you make sure you no longer are paying the bills for that residence once a quit claim deed is signed. Consult a lawyer, ASAP.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

garciajo738 said:


> Ive been with my wife for 14yrs but married for 6, we're in the process of going thru a divorce. She wants me to move out of our house for "her healing to start" and wants me to start the divorce process. I dont want to leave the house...reason being i was told it could affect the outcome of the division of property. Her and i spoke about a week ago and the result was pretty amicable, we agreed to joint custody of the children, no child support or alimony for either one of us. I also mentioned id like to sell the house, that way we'd both have a pretty penny from the sale to buy smaller homes where both our children can flourish instead of me moving out and having to pay $1800 for a 3 bedroom apt...which is more then we pay for the mortgage of our home. Keep in mind this is just her and i talking, no mediation just yet, which is the route we plan on taking, but a verbal agreement between the two of us that we agreed upon.
> Fast forward a couple of days and she's changed her mind...she wants to keep the house, wants me to leave as soon as possible so she can start healing. i dont know what to do...i want to move on with mediation but now it seems like i might have to go the lawyer route which i didnt want to do to save us both money. I dont want to leave the house yet, i know i eventually need to and thats fine...but she seems to want me out by the start of the next month. I had agreed to leave once the mediation and filing had been completed but she wants me out asap. i dont know what im suppose to do, i want to start the mediation process but she says shes not in the right head space to discuss anything that has to do with the divorce. I keep reading that the mom will usually get the house if I litigate.... It's that really the case? I really feel selling the house would be beneficial for all of us...am I wrong? If neither of us budge on this will they award the house to one of us or order the home to be sold? Or is their another option I'm not considering? Does anyone have guidance on how I should proceed or insight on how the judge will most likely rule?


Who stays in the house isn't really the determinant. But the house will likely have to be sold to divide assets equally.

Here's a recent example I just saw. CPS told the family to get the daughter away from the dad as there was an accusation (it was false). Paid-for home. He wouldn't leave or cooperate in any way with family counseling, and never spoke to the daughter again. He stayed in the house. So the mother had no choice but to move out in 24 hours, borrow money everywhere she could to afford a place to live and hire an attorney, because he didn't.

In the end, they had to sell the house, and because he wasn't incurring any of the expenses the wife did, he had to take on half of her expenses plus child support into the future, so she got 75% of the house. He had been unemployed for 2 years, though in the past he had made good money before he decided to stop working and he had savings he wouldn't produce documents to the court on without dragging it out and running up attorney fees. 

She was full-time employed. Since he was being uncooperative, not producing subpoenaed documents of his income, etc., she got the last tax return she could find (as well as producing all her own documents), so when they were first before a judge for the support hearing, all the judge had to go by was the tax return from 4 years ago because he had not provided anything, thinking it would work in his favor.

So the judge had no choice but to base the support off of the one tax return that they did have that the wife had a copy of. Since he was unemployed and hiding savings, instead of taking the chance that he would just move off (he had threatened to before), everything he would owe into the future was taken from the sale of the house.

So he stayed in the house, and it is his no longer.

If the house is your only real asset, no big cash or properties, investments, it will have to be sold. No reason she should get it. Both of you will have to work and support yourselves and the kids. I hope she doesn't force you to get an attorney, but maybe the process of mediation alone will convince her that her position is unrealistic. Now, of course, if she has money of her own, she could buy out your half of the house.

Joint custody is the right choice for both you and the kids and it takes support mostly out of it (except for some big future expenses, college, medical bills). Good luck.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She can want whatever she wants but she doesn’t get to tell you what to do. The answer is no to moving out.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

garciajo738 said:


> I wasnt meeting her needs emotionally...ive always had difficulty not only expressing my feelings/emotions but i found it difficult to show empathy. its been a long time coming and i realize now after therapy that it was me and me alone. i hold no hard feelings for her wanting to do this...i get it...she felt neglected in that aspect for years and theres no one to blame but me.


Yeah, she'll blame you no matter what. Don't be so quick to think just because she says it that its true.

No disagreements that lead to divorce are only one sided. She's now your adversary and it sounds like she's working your emotions just to get a better D settlement.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Openminded said:


> She can want whatever she wants but she doesn’t get to tell you what to do. The answer is no to moving out.


Financially, there really is no advantage from legal standpoint to wait to get kicked out. It doesn't give you an advantage to stay put. It can cost you down the line. Also depends if your home is paid off. Whoever had financial disadvantage (like rent) during separation should be partly compensated for that at time of mediation if the other person was living in a paid-for place and didn't have similar expenses. 

But if, for example, she stayed in the home and you were both making mortgage payments on it still, you would either want to keep making payments so as not to accidentally make it look like you turned the mortgage over to her or talk to an attorney first. So unless an attorney said that was okay and maybe you two signed something, you would be moved out making mortgage payments and also paying rent or whatever. Same with her. 

Ideal would be if one of you could go live with relatives temporarily rent-free and both continue paying for the house or bills for the house. 

Another idea for separation is you both pay for a small apartment together and keep paying for the house and take turns staying at the house depending whose time it is to have the kids. Leave the kids at the house, in other words, and just you two take turns staying at an apartment. Or if you both have relatives close to spend the night with, leave the kids at the house at all times and take turns staying somewhere else until the settlement. 

You don't uproot the kids, plus neither of you has officially left the home.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I also want to warn you that you might want to keep a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) on you at all times now, because she might try to accuse you of threatening her so she can get a Restraining Order to get you out.

That is what my sister did to her husband who she wanted to divorce when he wouldn't leave the house when she asked him to (on the advice of his attorney)....so she lied about being afraid of him and said that he threatened her, and he had to vacate the house THAT NIGHT. Even though the RO was canceled a few days later (because there was no evidence), he was still out of the house and couldn't get back in.

So don't underestimate what she is capable of now that she doesn't want you for a husband anymore.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

garciajo738 said:


> i dont know what im suppose to do, *i want to start the mediation process but she says shes not in the right head space to discuss anything that has to do with the divorce.*


This is very suspicious to me. You need to force her to mediation so you can get the ball rolling to give her what SHE said she wants -- A DIVORCE.

Too bad if she's not "in the right headspace"....time to pull up her big girl panties and take responsibility for her choices. DO NOT allow her to set the pace of your divorce, or else she will drag everything out until she can manipulate you into giving her everything she wants. 

She has fired you from your position as her husband, so STOP treating her like a loving wife. TAKE CARE OF YOU.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

garciajo738 said:


> i want to start the mediation process but she says shes not in the right head space to discuss anything that has to do with the divorce.


I guarantee the "head space" she trying to get into is the one where she is advised by an attorney and makes all the moves first. Push her, this sounds fishy and underhanded. "The right head space" is nonsense, it's a stall tactic.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> How would she pay you your 1/2 of the equity?


I took everyones advise and contacted a lawyer...he said she's gonna have to refinance the house or sell...they also mentioned (i spoke to multiple lawyers) that i should not leave the house in any case until filing has been completed and even then i might have to stick around for 90 days untll the divorce is finalized. So to answer your question the only way she can pay me is refinancing or selling. btw...i apologize for not answering in a timely manner....i work nights and sleep all day...this is my morning ☺


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Think about your kids, but make sure you are protected....Your kids will thank you later.... 😉


 I see what youre saying and i completely agree with you...if i didnt think we could both come out just as strong (kids included) through this divorce i wouldnt even bother with it...i know we can do it...i just want us to be on the same footing leaving this marriage as much as possible and selling would be the best option. shes emotional right now...angry and wont listen to reason...im hoping with time she sees the light...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

garciajo738 said:


> She'll struggle to pay the mortgage on her own for a bit...but im sure she can do it...she gets paid well and if she makes some strategic cuts to her weekly expenses she should be ok.


She could keep the house if she pays you the 50% of the equity that is yours. She will have to refinance the house in her name only. Right now, interest rates are pretty high, close to 7% for a 30-year mortage. What interest rate do you have for the current mortgage? With the new higher interest rates, her house payment will go up quite a bit.

Also keep in mind that home values went up quite a bit in the last couple of years so the size of loan that she has to get will be much higher than the current mortage. Unless of course she has cash to pay you 50% of the equity.

Don't move out. Is there a room in the house that you can move into for now?

See a lawyer NOW. You can still do mediation, but you need the advice of a local lawyer who knows the laws of your state and know the local courts and judges.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> She could keep the house if she pays you the 50% of the equity that is yours. She will have to refinance the house in her name only. Right now, interest rates are pretty high, close to 7% for a 30-year mortage. What interest rate do you have for the current mortgage? With the new higher interest rates, her house payment will go up quite a bit.
> 
> Don't move out. Is there a room in the house that you can move into for now?
> 
> See a lawyer NOW. You can still do mediation, but you need the advice of a local lawyer who knows the laws of your state and know the local courts and judges.


Our current rate is 4% right now...i hadnt thought of that before...puts this in a new light for me...i dont want her to struggle...im torn now...
To answer your other question there is a room upstairs ive been staying in for a while now...i try and stay out of her way as much as possible and she hates going up the stairs so i room up there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

garciajo738 said:


> Our current rate is 4% right now...i hadnt thought of that before...puts this in a new light for me...i dont want her to struggle...im torn now...
> To answer your other question there is a room upstairs ive been staying in for a while now...i try and stay out of her way as much as possible and she hates going up the stairs so i room up there.


The thing to keep in mind is that both of you should come out of the divorce basically on equal footing. You both will be raising your children in 2 homes going forward. So, you need a home that is about equivalent to the home she will have. You need room for your children.

It sounds like your wife does not really understand how divorce works. She does not get to order you out of the home. Assets and bills will be split 50/50, etc. From some of you posts, it sounds like she started with talking about being fair, no alimony, no child support, etc. As often happens in divorce, her attitude might very well change as she realizes that the divorce will have some very big financial ramifications for her.

I'm assuming that she has a job. What percent of your joint income does she earn?

How old are your children?


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

*UPDATE*
I was downstairs on the couch with the kids when i woke up this morning...asking them about their day at school and having a coffee. My wife walked into the living room and stared daggers at me...then looked at the kids and back at me...she sighed really loudly, walked away past the kitchen and into the laundry room. 2 minutes later i received a text message telling me she wanted to spend time with the kids and that i had to leave the living room. i text back and let her know that was fine but that she needs to sit down with me and speak about this divorce to get it going, i also mentioned i didnt want to spend the next 5hrs upstairs locked away. She texted back saying she was locked away the day before in the master bedroom so if she could do it i could too. I let her know i never told her to stay in one room all day like she did me, on the contrary, that day was her day to cook but she was still at work and i let her know i would take over dinner that day so she wouldnt be rushed and she agreed. she decided to stay in the room the whole time of her own volition, i was cooking with my daughter and she refused to come out because i was out there. i made enough food for all of us (my wife included) and i even went into the room and asked if she'd like to eat with us and she refused. i even asked her if she'd like me to bring her a plate to her desk so she wouldnt have to leave her work area and again she refused. She was adamant i go upstairs and stay there....i said no...asking that isnt fair and its mean, no one should be restricted to one room for that long in their own home. She lost it, told me how dare i call her mean and cant i see what im doing to her, that im making her suffer, that i wont share any part of the divorce petition that SHE told me she wanted me to take care of. I wasnt having any of this and i let her know i would only text about the divorce and the children...i was not going to entertain this conversation anymore. she kept texting telling me im manipulating her with this divorce that i dont even want...i dnt know how thats possible...but one text did catch my eye and that was she stated she was getting a lawyer because she cant trust me to have her best interest in mind. After that i was done trying to talk to her about the divorce...i felt like if shes going to get a lawyer so am. i already had the petition filled out i just never filed it cuz i wanted to show her and keep her in the loop about it but she had become mad the last time i tried to talk to her about the divorce hence the first post. So i decided to move forward on my own...i filed it...i also paid for it to be expedited...one day processing.
At this point im upstairs so she can have her time with the kids....she walks in...
i feel like ive typed to much for one post, plus im at work now...ill continue this in a later update, thank you all for your comments, suggestions, and insight...everything is appreciated during all this.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> I'm assuming that she has a job. What percent of your joint income does she earn?
> 
> How old are your children?


We both earn about the same...maybe $1000 difference between our incomes...so 50/50
Children are 11 and 13


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Are you one hundred percent sure that your wife isn’t cheating or planning to cheat on you?


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You need to talk to a lawyer. I am not sure you can agree to no child support but the house is a marital asset so neither one of you gets to be the sole arbiter of what happens to it


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Do not leave the marital home until divorce proceedings have started





DownByTheRiver said:


> Financially, there really is no advantage from legal standpoint to wait to get kicked out. It doesn't give you an advantage to stay put. It can cost you down the line.


*NO!*

This is extremely poor advice.

Do not leave the marital house until the divorce is SETTLED. There are many reasons for this, but suffice it to say that if you leave, you are handing her exclusive use of the marital home, and essentially giving her defacto primary custody of the minor children, as well as making things very comfortable for her while uprooting yourself, forcing you to pay for an additional residence, and giving you a very weak negotiating position going forward. Courts tend to be pragmatic, if and when you get in front of a court they'll see your voluntary moving out as the status-quo and you'll be lucky if you see your kids EOW and one day per week.

Also be prepared for her to play the false Domestic Violence card and get you legally evicted from the house to give her an edge in the pending divorce negotiations. Don't get baited into arguments and keep a Voice Activated Recorder going at all times when in the home with her as evidence that you are innocent and her claims are false.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Are you one hundred percent sure that your wife isn’t cheating or planning to cheat on you?


I am.... If she's one thing it's always been faithful...I believe she's extremely emotional right now and it's causing these out bursts...I would think if she was cheating she'd have filed the papers without asking me to do it... What would be the point in fighting me every step of the way is she wanted to cheat?? I could be wrong but I've never had a reason to believe otherwise.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Are you one hundred percent sure that your wife isn’t cheating or planning to cheat on you?


No one can ever be 100% sure about the intentions of others. In fact we can't even be 100% sure about ourselves.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

garciajo738 said:


> I took everyones advise and contacted a lawyer...he said she's gonna have to refinance the house or sell...they also mentioned (i spoke to multiple lawyers) that i should not leave the house in any case until filing has been completed and even then i might have to stick around for 90 days untll the divorce is finalized. So to answer your question the only way she can pay me is refinancing or selling. btw...i apologize for not answering in a timely manner....i work nights and sleep all day...this is my morning ☺


If she refinances, then you need an appraisal to determine fair market value to figure out what she will owe you. And if she does that, how will she pay you your 1/2 since she won't be selling it? And I'd insist that you or your attorney also get their own appraisal just in case she gets someone sympathetic to her, even though that would be fraud.

Now if she sells it, then it's simple, profit minus selling fees, and you get half of what is left. But if she refinances, that doesn't give her cash in hand to pay you your 1/2.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Trident said:


> *NO!*
> 
> This is extremely poor advice.
> 
> Do not leave the marital house until the divorce is SETTLED.


Well, they can settle the marital home part of it before the divorce is final. I did that. As long as there is a signed agreement with regards to the house, and a quit claim deed is signed, he is covered.



> There are many reasons for this, but suffice it to say that if you leave, you are handing her exclusive use of the marital home


This is true, however fact still remains she will have to pay him for his 1/2 of the equity and assume the costs of the marital home.



> and essentially giving her defacto primary custody of the minor children


Now THIS may be a reason to stay until things are settled. But if the marital home issue is settled, then they can work on visitation at a 50/50 arrangement even before the divorce is finalized that wouldn't hand her defacto custody.




> Also be prepared for her to play the false Domestic Violence card and get you legally evicted from the house to give her an edge in the pending divorce negotiations. Don't get baited into arguments and keep a Voice Activated Recorder going at all times when in the home with her as evidence that you are innocent and her claims are false.


This ☝☝


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


garciajo738 said:



I took everyones advise and contacted a lawyer...he said she's gonna have to refinance the house or sell...they also mentioned (i spoke to multiple lawyers) that i should not leave the house in any case until filing has been completed and even then i might have to stick around for 90 days untll the divorce is finalized. So to answer your question the only way she can pay me is refinancing or selling.

Click to expand...

*Exactly as we advised.

I'm glad you called a lawyer. Knowledge is power.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

garciajo738 said:


> *UPDATE*
> I was downstairs on the couch with the kids when i woke up this morning...asking them about their day at school and having a coffee. My wife walked into the living room and stared daggers at me...then looked at the kids and back at me...she sighed really loudly, walked away past the kitchen and into the laundry room. 2 minutes later i received a text message telling me she wanted to spend time with the kids and that i had to leave the living room. i text back and let her know that was fine but that she needs to sit down with me and speak about this divorce to get it going, i also mentioned i didnt want to spend the next 5hrs upstairs locked away. She texted back saying she was locked away the day before in the master bedroom so if she could do it i could too. I let her know i never told her to stay in one room all day like she did me, on the contrary, that day was her day to cook but she was still at work and i let her know i would take over dinner that day so she wouldnt be rushed and she agreed. she decided to stay in the room the whole time of her own volition, i was cooking with my daughter and she refused to come out because i was out there. i made enough food for all of us (my wife included) and i even went into the room and asked if she'd like to eat with us and she refused. i even asked her if she'd like me to bring her a plate to her desk so she wouldnt have to leave her work area and again she refused. She was adamant i go upstairs and stay there....i said no...asking that isnt fair and its mean, no one should be restricted to one room for that long in their own home. She lost it, told me how dare i call her mean and cant i see what im doing to her, that im making her suffer, that i wont share any part of the divorce petition that SHE told me she wanted me to take care of. I wasnt having any of this and i let her know i would only text about the divorce and the children...i was not going to entertain this conversation anymore. she kept texting telling me im manipulating her with this divorce that i dont even want...i dnt know how thats possible...but one text did catch my eye and that was she stated she was getting a lawyer because she cant trust me to have her best interest in mind. After that i was done trying to talk to her about the divorce...i felt like if shes going to get a lawyer so am. i already had the petition filled out i just never filed it cuz i wanted to show her and keep her in the loop about it but she had become mad the last time i tried to talk to her about the divorce hence the first post. So i decided to move forward on my own...i filed it...i also paid for it to be expedited...one day processing.
> At this point im upstairs so she can have her time with the kids....she walks in...
> i feel like ive typed to much for one post, plus im at work now...ill continue this in a later update, thank you all for your comments, suggestions, and insight...everything is appreciated during all this.


Keep all of those texts and any others she sends going forward. She might accuse you of domestic violence to get you evicted. You will need all the evidence you can get to clear yourself.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

garciajo738 said:


> I see what youre saying and i completely agree with you...if i didnt think we could both come out just as strong (kids included) through this divorce i wouldnt even bother with it...i know we can do it...i just want us to be on the same footing leaving this marriage as much as possible and selling would be the best option. shes emotional right now...angry and wont listen to reason...im hoping with time she sees the light...


Unless you/her have a change of income, or get some kind of windfall, you will likely not be "as strong" as you were before...Its just common sense...Say, if you both earn 100K and are supporting one household, now you have to support 2 with the same income....Something will have to give....

That doesn't mean don't follow through, but don't get disillusioned into thinking life will be the same....it almost never is...The only guy I know that actually fared better than before is a friend of mine that divorced and managed to get with a woman that had a prominent physician practice...He actually wound up leaving his job and becoming a house husband(kids grown) ...he splits time between here and vacation home...But thats a rare scenario...

Again, get what's rightfully yours, but dont fight over petty shyt if its going to impact your kids well being...Lawyers are sharks and dont give a crap about your kids...they are just worried about the billable hours...


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

drencrom said:


> Well, they can settle the marital home part of it before the divorce is final. I did that. As long as there is a signed agreement with regards to the house, and a quit claim deed is signed, he is covered.


That is not the point. So glad it worked for you- you got lucky. I don't always buckle my seatbelt and occasionally text while driving. Doesn't make it right.

If there are unfinished terms of the divorce, moving out gives the other partner a whole bunch of leverage and if things go south in Settlement talks then the court just may decide to stay with the status quo- wife gets exclusive use of the home and primary custody. Dad gets shafted.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I also want to warn you that you might want to keep a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) on you at all times now, because she might try to accuse you of threatening her so she can get a Restraining Order to get you out.


Ive been doing this...thanks to everyone who mentioned it to me. i dont see that happening but its better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Unless you/her have a change of income, or get some kind of windfall, you will likely not be "as strong" as you were before...Its just common sense...Say, if you both earn 100K and are supporting one household, now you have to support 2 with the same income....Something will have to give....
> 
> That doesn't mean don't follow through, but don't get disillusioned into thinking life will be the same....it almost never is...The only guy I know that actually fared better than before is a friend of mine that divorced and managed to get with a woman that had a prominent physician practice...He actually wound up leaving his job and becoming a house husband(kids grown) ...he splits time between here and vacation home...But thats a rare scenario...
> 
> Again, get what's rightfully yours, but dont fight over petty shyt if its going to impact your kids well being...Lawyers are sharks and dont give a crap about your kids...they are just worried about the billable hours...


I am aware of this...there will be rough times for both of us, and as far as petty shyt...i want nothing but my half of the equity and joint custody. we dont have CC debt or any debt to really speak of except the mortgage.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

*UPDATE CONT.*
Well...once she walked into the room she demanded that i show her the petition i had filed....she stated how dare i do this without consulting her about it so she could make sure im not making her look bad. At this point id had about all i could take, i told her NO, i let her know that we are divorcing and that i no longer need to run everything by her unless it has to do with the children. She wasnt happy...kept calling me a manipulator and that i hold all the cards (which in no way does it feel like that to me) and that i dont have her best interest in mind. i let her vent at me, tell me how she felt, i also explained that in no way shape or form am i trying to make her look like a bad mother. Shes not...shes a great mother...i promised her once she sees them she'll see my intentions are not malicious and theyre not. that seemed to calm her down, make her feel better, she said she'd trust me and i let her know that, thats all ive been asking for. From there the conversation went from how were gonna share custody, 50/50 was agreed upon, how were gonna have an agreement to no child support, what assets we'd split and a some what agreement on the home. i know all this still has to be mediated on to make it concrete but i feel like this is a good start to an amicable divorce. The conversation took a weird turn from there, she started telling me how she wanted to travel together, how she still loves me-----i cut her off there...i told not to say these type of things, this divorce was her decision and im finally in a place where i feel like im ok with it and like my world isnt crashing down on me. I let her know i dont want to be stuck upstairs all the time, that i want free reign of my home and she agreed. By This time it was getting close to work time for me so i went downstairs to our bathroom to get dressed and ready to leave...as im brushing my teeth she walks in starts to get completely naked and put on her night gown. im so confused.... i dnt know if shes playing games with me or what but im really trying to move on, i see her being this comfortable around me and i feel sad, weirded out and hope?? i dnt want to feel these things, maybe it was nothing to her and im overthinking this. 
anyway...i see hope for the divorce to be amicable between us and thats what im going to stay focused on....thank you for allowing me to vent and spill my feeling these last couple of days. if anything huge changes during all this ill make sure to keep everyone updated. This is honestly been very helpful, being able to write this down and read the other posts help feel like im not alone. it still hurts and is fresh and as calm as my demeanor is i feel like im being torn in half inside, time will heal all right....i really hope so.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

garciajo738 said:


> *UPDATE CONT.*
> Well...once she walked into the room she demanded that i show her the petition i had filed....she stated how dare i do this without consulting her about it so she could make sure im not making her look bad. At this point id had about all i could take, i told her NO, i let her know that we are divorcing and that i no longer need to run everything by her unless it has to do with the children. She wasnt happy...kept calling me a manipulator and that i hold all the cards (which in no way does it feel like that to me) and that i dont have her best interest in mind. i let her vent at me, tell me how she felt, i also explained that in no way shape or form am i trying to make her look like a bad mother. Shes not...shes a great mother...i promised her once she sees them she'll see my intentions are not malicious and theyre not. that seemed to calm her down, make her feel better, she said she'd trust me and i let her know that, thats all ive been asking for. From there the conversation went from how were gonna share custody, 50/50 was agreed upon, how were gonna have an agreement to no child support, what assets we'd split and a some what agreement on the home. i know all this still has to be mediated on to make it concrete but i feel like this is a good start to an amicable divorce. The conversation took a weird turn from there, she started telling me how she wanted to travel together, how she still loves me-----i cut her off there...i told not to say these type of things, this divorce was her decision and im finally in a place where i feel like im ok with it and like my world isnt crashing down on me. I let her know i dont want to be stuck upstairs all the time, that i want free reign of my home and she agreed. By This time it was getting close to work time for me so i went downstairs to our bathroom to get dressed and ready to leave...as im brushing my teeth she walks in starts to get completely naked and put on her night gown. im so confused.... i dnt know if shes playing games with me or what but im really trying to move on, i see her being this comfortable around me and i feel sad, weirded out and hope?? i dnt want to feel these things, maybe it was nothing to her and im overthinking this.
> anyway...i see hope for the divorce to be amicable between us and thats what im going to stay focused on....thank you for allowing me to vent and spill my feeling these last couple of days. if anything huge changes during all this ill make sure to keep everyone updated. This is honestly been very helpful, being able to write this down and read the other posts help feel like im not alone. it still hurts and is fresh and as calm as my demeanor is i feel like im being torn in half inside, time will heal all right....i really hope so.


It sounds like you're doing well moving toward a good mediation. 

I'll tell you what I think she did there in the bathroom. I think she felt she lost a little of her power in your discussion and decided to play her sex card to see if she could get some of it back. I see it as a power move. 

There wouldn't be anything in the world wrong with you saying you're not going to be sharing the bathroom at the same time anymore. If you want to do it in a real civilized manner you can just tell her next time before you go in there and holler at her and say, I'm going to be in the bathroom for a while unless you need to get in there first for some reason. That's a nice way of telling her stay out.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

garciajo738 said:


> leave...as im brushing my teeth she walks in starts to get completely naked and put on her night gown. im so confused..


Careful there dude, don't be confused, don't be an idiot. Whatever her motives are, you just don't make a move. She might use it against you. Again, careful there. Regardless of if it is innocent (doubt it very much), or she's just edging you to see what would your reaction be, or if it is with bad intentions, none of it should matters to you. Just act nonchalant, like you are blind and can't notice. Gray rock her to this type of interactions.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

garciajo738 said:


> leave...as im brushing my teeth she walks in starts to get completely naked and put on her night gown. im so confused..


Does your house have another bathroom? If so, start using it. Her doing this is not a good sign. As someone else said, it looks like a power move on her part. Plus, what better way to set you up to get you taken out of the home by the police.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, she’s playing games. Sex is an excellent way to manipulate. Keep your distance.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

My exwife did that to me in our final days of living together. Came on to me sexually despite us being in the midst of a highly contentious divorce. She also got me evicted with a bogus restraining order (which she later recanted), but the two were not related. 

She was so messed up in the head that after a day in court she'd try to have sex with me at nite. Sometimes I'd take her up on the offer. I was messed up too. Finally my head started to clear up and one day she started in again with the seduction and I looked her in the eye and said "are you kidding me?". That was the last time she went there.

That was over 10 years ago. I look back on those dark days and just shake my head.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Trident said:


> My exwife did that to me in our final days of living together. Came on to me sexually despite us being in the midst of a highly contentious divorce. She also got me evicted with a bogus restraining order (which she later recanted), but the two were not related.
> 
> She was so messed up in the head that after a day in court she'd try to have sex with me at nite. Sometimes I'd take her up on the offer. I was messed up too. Finally my head started to clear up and one day she started in again with the seduction and I looked her in the eye and said "are you kidding me?". That was the last time she went there.
> 
> That was over 10 years ago. I look back on those dark days and just shake my head.


I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist at this junction... I'm all torn inside, I feel like a shell of myself...I don't find happiness in the things I used to enjoy... I'm broken and I know it... If she were to tell me she wanted to work things out I'd cave in an instant. I keep telling myself this is the best thing but it hurts so bad. There is another bathroom, the kids bathroom, I'll just go there from now on I suppose, idk. Yesterday I was good, ready to move on ready to do this but today I couldn't shake the heartbreak. My mind keeps making scenarios in my head of reconciliation and the harder I push back on them the more that come...😔


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

garciajo738 said:


> I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist at this junction... I'm all torn inside



This is where so many dudes fail. Women have an uncanny six sense to this. They just know when to **** with a dude's mind, and sometimes even if they know that they can't mess with the dude they'll try anyways. I'm a man, and I just can't understand why a lot of dudes are so damned weak nowadays. It's like the 50's in reverse, or the Spanish Soap Opera where the women are unconsolably crying their heart out, but now is the men the ones that do that. Why today's man can just be torn inside but at the same time have sufficient dignity to stand up to shenanigans like this from their woman. I think that we are getting to a junction where males are passing the threshold of manhood to emasculation. I don't recall most men being like that when I was growing up.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

garciajo738 said:


> I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist at this junction... I'm all torn inside, I feel like a shell of myself...I don't find happiness in the things I used to enjoy


Well sure, your life is a mess and you're probably going through situational depression. It's normal at this stage, and it gets better, a whole lot better.

There will be good days and not so good days but over time things improve.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> This is where so many dudes fail. Women have an uncanny six sense to this. They just know when to **** with a dude's mind, and sometimes even if they know that they can't mess with the dude they'll try anyways. I'm a man, and I just can't understand why a lot of dudes are so damned weak nowadays. It's like the 50's in reverse, or the Spanish Soap Opera where the women are unconsolably crying their heart out, but now is the men the ones that do that. Why today's man can just be torn inside but at the same time have sufficient dignity to stand up to shenanigans like this from their woman. I think that we are getting to a junction where males are passing the threshold of manhood to emasculation. I don't recall most men being like that when I was growing up.


Being unemotional and acting like I was in the 50s is what got me here. Acting like I couldn't cry, had to be strong, to man up is why we're at this crossroads. 
I said I didn't know IF I could resist at this junction....I never said I wouldn't try... But I love this woman, she's the mother of my children and I wish it was as simple as you say it is. Perhaps you're a better man than I am if it's that simple for you ... Or maybe youre not.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

garciajo738 said:


> Being unemotional and acting like I was in the 50s is what got me here


That's a complete different scenario than the one where a man is being manipulated and mess with by doing the strip in front of you to mess with your head and feelings.

If you were being unattached and emotionally unavailable in your relationship, then, that's on you. Women eventually lose their love and attraction for a man that behaves that way. Once they lose that, it seldom if ever comes back. Now is not the time for a man in your situation to act all weepy and weak in front of a woman. That have the contrary effect of what you're looking for to achieve, it makes the woman lose whatever respect they might still have for the man. Now is the time to show strength and dignity by not acting like a supplicant seeking absolution, and taking whatever crumb is thrown at you. That's a turn off, whether you accept it or not to be true. What you do is act with dignity, calmness, and fortitude and show that if that's what she wants you will give it to her even if that's not what you want. In the end that might or might not make her take pause and think it over. 




garciajo738 said:


> Perhaps you're a better man than I am if it's that simple for you


Is not a matter of me or someone else being a better man. It's a matter of knowing and understanding that you can't let yourself succumb to emotional blackmail, just because you're feeling emotionally in turmoil. You still need to find your pride and self respect to show yourself as a man that cannot be mess with. It would be a different scenario if your wife intent was to separate to fix the relationship, but as I understood she wants a divorce, and if that's what she want there's nothing that you can do. Like I say being meek and penitent won't get you points. It will make her reject you more. That's the way I see it, unless there's something there that you haven't mentioned, or I miss from one of your other post that would indicate that there's something there for the relationship to be salvable. 

Protect yourself on all fronts, do not give in into self-serving tactics to make her gain advantage and concessions from you. That's all I can say.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> That's a complete different scenario than the one where a man is being manipulated and mess with by doing the strip in front of you to mess with your head and feelings.
> 
> If you were being unattached and emotionally unavailable in your relationship, then, that's on you. Women eventually lose their love and attraction for a man that behaves that way. Once they lose that, it seldom if ever comes back. Now is not the time for a man in your situation to act all weepy and weak in front of a woman. That have the contrary effect of what you're looking for to achieve, it makes the woman lose whatever respect they might still have for the man. Now is the time to show strength and dignity by not acting like a supplicant seeking absolution, and taking whatever crumb is thrown at you. That's a turn off, whether you accept it or not to be true. What you do is act with dignity, calmness, and fortitude and show that if that's what she wants you will give it to her even if that's not what you want. In the end that might or might not make her take pause and think it over.
> 
> ...


You're not wrong...I took today to reflect and I spoke (typed) out of emotion... None of you are wrong and today I had my therapy session ... It went well and I came out of it stronger, with purpose, I know what I need to do and I'm hell set on doing it. I want to apologize for the way I came off in my last post... I'm working on me everyday but I do have my off days and yesterday or this morning was an off day for me. I spent the evening cooking with my children and playing a card game till it was their bedtime...I felt fulfilled and look forward to being able to do that in my own home. Again, I'm sorry and thank you all for every ounce of advice everyone has given me...I need to take criticism, good and bad, (another thing in writing on with my therapist) in a constructive way. Thank you all so much.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just because she wants you to move doesn’t mean that’s what you do!
Meet with an attorney. See what is best FOR YOU!


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

garciajo738 said:


> I want to apologize for the way I came off in my last post..


OP, there's nothing to apologize for. We understand that you are in turmoil emotionally. The import thing is that you are able to take and analyze the input that you are receiving here and elsewhere and take what you can use, discard the rest. Just make sure that you are not taking for a ride by complying to demands such as "I want you to leave the house". Do not do a thing that is not approved by your lawyer's office. This is paramount, specially since you are suffering emotionally; therefore not making the right sound of mind decisions that you need to make.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, at one point she was willing to give you 50/50 custody, no alimony and no child support. Is this still on the table? If so, I’d tell her to buy your share of the house out and be done with it. I’d hate to see you lose that offer as time goes by and you end up
paying lawyers ten’s of thousands of dollars. Seems to me like a very fair offer.


----------



## WhatNextDad (May 8, 2018)

garciajo738 said:


> I wasnt meeting her needs emotionally...ive always had difficulty not only expressing my feelings/emotions but i found it difficult to show empathy. its been a long time coming and i realize now after therapy that it was me and me alone. i hold no hard feelings for her wanting to do this...i get it...she felt neglected in that aspect for years and theres no one to blame but me.


Your situation seems remarkably similar to mine. My wife says I am not meeting her emotional needs and I was diagnosed with Asperger's. I told her I am willing to go to counseling and build emotional intimacy but she does not think I am capable of meeting her needs. I let her date other people for 4 years so she could find emotional intimacy outside the marriage. After she broke up with her most recent boyfriend I told her I can't handle another boyfriend. She says I don't give her enough freedom but it seems she already has a lot.

She has not yet decided to divorce but she is close. If she does then wants the house and full custody of the kids. It does not feel fair that she would decide to leave and then take the kids and most of our assets with her.


----------



## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

garciajo738 said:


> Ive been with my wife for 14yrs but married for 6, we're in the process of going thru a divorce. She wants me to move out of our house for "her healing to start" and wants me to start the divorce process. I dont want to leave the house...reason being i was told it could affect the outcome of the division of property. Her and i spoke about a week ago and the result was pretty amicable, we agreed to joint custody of the children, no child support or alimony for either one of us. I also mentioned id like to sell the house, that way we'd both have a pretty penny from the sale to buy smaller homes where both our children can flourish instead of me moving out and having to pay $1800 for a 3 bedroom apt...which is more then we pay for the mortgage of our home. Keep in mind this is just her and i talking, no mediation just yet, which is the route we plan on taking, but a verbal agreement between the two of us that we agreed upon.
> 
> Fast forward a couple of days and she's changed her mind...she wants to keep the house, wants me to leave as soon as possible so she can start healing. i dont know what to do...i want to move on with mediation but now it seems like i might have to go the lawyer route which i didnt want to do to save us both money. I dont want to leave the house yet, i know i eventually need to and thats fine...but she seems to want me out by the start of the next month.
> 
> I had agreed to leave once the mediation and filing had been completed but she wants me out asap. i dont know what im suppose to do, i want to start the mediation process but she says shes not in the right head space to discuss anything that has to do with the divorce. I keep reading that the mom will usually get the house if I litigate.... It's that really the case? I really feel selling the house would be beneficial for all of us...am I wrong? If neither of us budge on this will they award the house to one of us or order the home to be sold? Or is their another option I'm not considering? Does anyone have guidance on how I should proceed or insight on how the judge will most likely rule?


Split it, sell it. It's a wedge between kids, ex, and one will get screwed financially inthe end. Either one will go to the grave hating you. Then hating the kids. It depends who gets the short end of the stick. Plus house needs to go, to many bad memories. Why else would you divorce.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

garciajo738 said:


> Our current rate is 4% right now...i hadnt thought of that before...puts this in a new light for me...i dont want her to struggle...im torn now...
> To answer your other question there is a room upstairs ive been staying in for a while now...i try and stay out of her way as much as possible and she hates going up the stairs so i room up there.


Cmon man, you and your life counts too. If you have 50/50 custody where are your kids going to stay when you have them? Finances matter. Divorce is a business transaction. You don’t want her to struggle? Better wake up before you get suckered. There are no second chances.
Every time I see I didn’t meet their needs it very often is blame shifting. Go online and check your phone bill.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

WhatNextDad said:


> Your situation seems remarkably similar to mine. My wife says I am not meeting her emotional needs and I was diagnosed with Asperger's. I told her I am willing to go to counseling and build emotional intimacy but she does not think I am capable of meeting her needs. I let her date other people for 4 years so she could find emotional intimacy outside the marriage. After she broke up with her most recent boyfriend I told her I can't handle another boyfriend. She says I don't give her enough freedom but it seems she already has a lot.
> 
> She has not yet decided to divorce but she is close. If she does then wants the house and full custody of the kids. It does not feel fair that she would decide to leave and then take the kids and most of our assets with her.


Your wife is a cake eater. Stop being a chump for your cheating wife.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Cmon man, you and your life counts too. If you have 50/50 custody where are your kids going to stay when you have them? Finances matter. Divorce is a business transaction. You don’t want her to struggle? Better wake up before you get suckered. There are no second chances.
> Every time I see I didn’t meet their needs it very often is blame shifting. Go online and check your phone bill.


You're right.... Trust me.... My way of thinking has shifted ... When I say I don't want her to struggle I realize I mean the kids, but like you said, I don't want them to struggle when they're here with me either ... So yea... Finances matter .... Getting my half matters and I'm gonna fight for what's mine


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

garciajo738 said:


> You're right.... Trust me.... My way of thinking has shifted ... When I say I don't want her to struggle I realize I mean the kids, but like you said, I don't want them to struggle when they're here with me either ... So yea... Finances matter .... Getting my half matters and I'm gonna fight for what's mine


Good! Do not let emotions interfere with a good business decision.
That’s what divorce is.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

UPDATE: 
Well, the petition has been done, and we both have lawyers, everything so far has been how we talked about. She's going to buy me out though the "how" is still being debated by us, joint custody, one week with her one week with me, everything else will be pretty much down the middle as much as possible. Court date is set for the 20th of October and I'll be moving out of the house on the 15th of October. We agreed to keep our joint account together until the 1st if October for mortgage purposes and bills, I'm just wondering if I can start buying things like beds for the kids and myself to furnish the apt? Can I pull from our joint acct for that? Has anyone had to do this or is it gonna bite me in the ass because it's technically martial funds? I'm trying to keep this as cordial as possible while I'm still in the house and I feel like buying things now might put strain on what we have agreed upon. Anyone been thru this? Suggestions? Thanks in advance.


----------



## Togorot (2 mo ago)

Even if you decided to end things and split up, it's important to respect each other and realize some boundaries you must consider. If you can't solve all the things calmly and respectfully, I think you can feel the option of moving on your own. If you have enough resources, you can buy a property; if you don't, renting is always a great option. When I was in this situation, I wanted to Find a property for sale in the Algarve since it's a tourist place, and from the money I got from it, I could pay my rent in the US, so there are always options.


----------

