# So very close to telling the OM's Wife



## klab0001 (Dec 17, 2010)

I have asked this question recently and got some great responses albeit not conclusive. I am debating whether or not I should tell the OM's Wife. I opened an email account that can not be easily traced to me, I have her email and she has confirmed that I have the right person. But I am debating whether or not I should send the email telling her of the affair. I am very distraught over this decision and I wonder what that is telling me. I am also worried that this will get back to my wife ... but I guess if it does get back to my wife then I will know for sure if they are talking or not ...she says that it's over and I do believe her.

Uggh, what should I do???


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Send the mail with as much evidence as you can. If you have timelines include them, do not just say - your husband is in an affair- there has to be some context to it. His wife may be shocked initially but will be thankfull thereafter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Tell her as soon as you can. First off, her influence might help fizzle out the affair. Second, she deserves to know that her husband is cheating on her. You may find that you can actually work with his wife to execute a plan to put an end to the affair.

As far as using an e-mail that can be traced, I wouldn't even worry that much. No matter how it is found out, your wife is going to think you were the one that told anyways, and so what if she does? You have every right to do so. Having been in your position, I know what I feels like to want to be discrete and careful not to step on your wife's toes. In all seriousness, don't worry about it. She's going to be mad anyways, so in the end, she's going to know you're standing up for your marriage instead of watching it happen.

Like Eli-Zor said, give some evidence as well.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Man up and expose the affair. Don't worry about your wife. She should be worried about you, and your response.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I agree with everyone who posted. I waited 6 weeks from d-day to call the OM's wife. My only regret is that I didn't write out what I had wanted to say so that I wouldn't leave out any details. You must reveal the affair. These are the consequences of betrayal.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If your W truly wants to care for you and only you and your marriage, then she should have no problem with his W knowing.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Why? For real why? I'm in the very minute minority here and my pov is different than most.

Most people say "Well I want to know", "I don't want to be played", "The OW/OM spouse deserves to make the same decision I'm making"

To all of this I disagree especially if you feel that the contact has stopped. Why cause pain in another marriage? I strongly doubt that most betrayed spouses let the other betrayed spouse know because they care about them so much! It's 99% because you want the other cheat to get his/hers too!! Want them to get busted. Why do they get to get away with it...etc etc I think it usually driven by revenge...that's my opinion. I'm not saying you are doing it for those reasons.

Are we going to start calling people out on all of their issues? Where does it stop? Gonna start telling your friends wives about porn issues, flirting, commenting on a attractive women that their husbands have? If not why not? A affair crosses the line but other issues and infidelities do not? What about gambling, lieing, bad mouthing, or the like. It's their marriage and their business imo.

While many people say "You better tell me" I personally don't want someone messing up my "utopia" if my spouse decided to say something so be it, but to hear it from someone else!! No thank you!! If they guy is a serial cheater there will be more and he will get caught it's just a matter of time. You never know his wife might feel like me.

I would focus on your marriage and your wife. He was just the vehicle of choice she made the choice and she is to blame. Just as in his marriage he is to blame and your wife was just a vehicle of choice.

If the affair has stopped I don't see the point. If it were to stop a affair as a last chance all for nothing attempt at saving a marriage then YES I would say something. In your situation and in most situations definitely NOT.

Best of luck!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You expose the OM to his wife because you want to establish in your wife's mind that you will always do so.

Really, why give a rats ass about him?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Just keep in mind that exposing the affair to the Other Man's wife is NOT punishment for the affair. It has one primary use only: to pull the cheating out from behind the rocks into the full light of day. A secondary benefit might be to the Other Person's family, in that ending the affair might help their marriage as well. But that should be WAY down on your list of priorities. Your priority is your marriage.

So ONLY expose the affair if it is STILL going on. Exposure is NOT to be used if the affair ends.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I would on principle. I believe people should know the type of person they are married to so they make the decision to stay with the person or not. Why do you hesitate - it would usually not you concern but since the man intercalated himself into your life, he suffers the consequences of his actions the revealation to his wife of the kind of person she is married to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> So ONLY expose the affair if it is STILL going on. Exposure is NOT to be used if the affair ends.


Who's to say what is the finality of the affair?

Ending is defined by what event? Last time they were intimate? Last time they contacted each other? Last time they thought about going back to it? What?

I think if a person wants to expose an affair, they ought to to it no matter the time frame. Punitive or not, it's a protection of the marriage.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Just keep in mind that exposing the affair to the Other Man's wife is NOT punishment for the affair. It has one primary use only: to pull the cheating out from behind the rocks into the full light of day. A secondary benefit might be to the Other Person's family, in that ending the affair might help their marriage as well. But that should be WAY down on your list of priorities. Your priority is your marriage.
> 
> So ONLY expose the affair if it is STILL going on. Exposure is NOT to be used if the affair ends.


I have to agree here. I went back and read the OP and see that I missed where you said you believe contact has ended. If it becomes apparent that the affair is still ongoing, THEN expose, but wait until you have evidence for yourself to know.


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## joanne.kent (Dec 18, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Why? For real why? I'm in the very minute minority here and my pov is different than most.
> 
> Most people say "Well I want to know", "I don't want to be played", "The OW/OM spouse deserves to make the same decision I'm making"
> 
> ...


I am right there with you just move on with your life mend you marriage......even though you wife is not seeing the om any more it will get back to her and potentionally put her in danger...if i were you i would just let it be and move on..i know its easier said and done, but this might even set you back on the recovery process...plus you have know idea on how vindictive this woman is...in all states she could sue you for disrupting her marriage...even tho the om was not faithful she might not even believe you


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