# I Think I am Ready to End This Marrriage... but how?



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

So, i have decided that i am ready to end this marriage. My only question is how do i go about it? How do i tell my husband, get the ball rolling and such? And where do i go afterwards? 

I love him but do not desire to be in this relationship any longer, there is no affection, the sex is awful, no trust, and huge resentment on my part and probably his as well.

Here is my back story from another thread:
*
Early last year, April 2011, I had a uti and was treated with an antibiotic that caused a severe reaction. It was not an allergy but the medication caused multiple metabolic abnormalities in my body. I had many blood tests, two cat scans, an mri, spinal tap, endoscopy and iwas eventually diagnosed with antibiotic induced serum sickness. My symptoms were varied and debilitating, my central nervous system was affected and i was diagnosed with peripheral neuoropathy, my muscular system was affected and i was diagnosed with muscular atrophy and tendonitis, this put me in a wheelchair or walking with a cane, my digestive system was affected and i was diagnosed with gastritis, acid reflux, and ibs. I was in chronic pain, and severely depressed. Prior to this, i was in perfect health, non drinker or smoker, couldn't remember the last time i had seen a doctor for anything.

During this time, my husband treated me horribly. The first time i was in the hospital, he spent the entire complaining that i was over reacting and that he did not want to be there. He did not once ask if i needed anything. I was literally crying and a nurse asked him to leave my room. Subsequent trips to the hospital were the same. He refused to comfort me in anyway and believed i was over reacting. When we were home he was no better, he would complain about the lack of sex, lack of house cleaning, said that i needed to get myself together and do my makeup/hair. I had to leave school because of everything and he would say i need to be proactive and work through it. I was unable to even walk most days or function. Because of the gastritis, i lost a lot of weight and was down to 95lbs, he would say its better to be thin than big (he is overweight). I was never able to talk to him as he would stare blankly into the distance as i talked or act agitated or annoyed with me.

About 6 months into all of this I joined a support group on Facebook during the course of my illness to talk to people that also had a reaction to the same medication i took. I did not realize however that everything i posted on the support group page also showed up on my personal page. well an ex of mine from HS saw the messages and sent me a pm telling me he was very sorry for all i was going through. This was the first time i had heard that and the pm made me bawl like a baby. My husband had never said that to me. I sent him a pm back thanking him. After a while the ex and i began talking on the phone, well i should say i was talking, he would just listen as i would cry and try to work through all the pain i was feeling. Around this time i was feeling mildly better, the gastritis had been treated and i was gaining weight back, a physical therapist had helped me through the atrophy and tendonitis. The neuropathy was less constant.

Eventually the ex and i met up for lunch. It was nice and we were at the restaurant for about four hours talking. We met up many more times after this for lunch and brunch maybe twice a month. My husband was aware of the meetings and did not like them. But i told him i was going, and that was that.I said I deserved to have someone to talk to about all i was going through.

Ok, fast forward to 2012. I am feeling better, not perfect and i probably never will be in perfect health again but my symptoms are manageable. I do still suffer from fatigue and some minor neuorapthy at times, i do still have ibs as well. The ex and i continue to talk and meet for lunch. My husband and i argue alot now, i am so angry with him about he treated me and he is angry with me for meeting with/talking to the ex.

I am also no longer sexually attracted to him, though i do still find him to be physically attractive. But the thought of having sex with him does not turn me on anymore, i can only think of how cruel he was to me for an entire year. I know i am resentful, i am bitter, i am totally pissed off at him and do not desire to kiss, hug, or touch him. Prior to last year and my ill health, we had a normal sex life,two or three times a week with me giving oral to him almost every time and randomly throughout the week. We do have sex now at times but i put it off as long as possible and no longer orgasm. I am only ok with quickies.*


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Resentment is poison in a marriage. Have you tried MC? Sounds like your mind is made up, but so was my wifes about a year ago. She had a ton of resentment built up and hid it from me. Classic Walk Away Wife Syndrome. I was blind sided by hearing the D word. 

Well after 6 months of MC she is back and we are in love, plus I am much more aware of what was bothering her. The only way to rid the poison of resentment is to forgive. This is the best gift you can give yourself.

Divorce does not always mean things will get better and you will likely drag issues into your next relationship.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Make your plan before you tell him. Gather a support team if you can; friends, family, counselors, a domestic violence shelter, a lawyer. Get a free consult with a lawyer ASAP. 
Figure out if you want to go or if you want him to go. He might offer it, you never know.
If he has a history of violence or threats, then discreetly start moving thumgs of sentimental value to you to another location. Get all your financial paperwork and put in a safe place. All tax returns, bank statements, etc. 
If you think he will react violently tell him in a quiet public place or have someone in the house in another room. 
Good luck to you, it sucks that you have to go through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You wrote:

"I love him but do not desire to be in this relationship any longer, there is no affection, the sex is awful, no trust, and huge resentment on my part and probably his as well."

This was my wife last fall. 

She is back home and we are closer than ever. Know there is still hope if you want it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You have to read her other threads, the guy is abusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

This is me said:


> Resentment is poison in a marriage. Have you tried MC? Sounds like your mind is made up, but so was my wifes about a year ago. She had a ton of resentment built up and hid it from me. Classic Walk Away Wife Syndrome. I was blind sided by hearing the D word.
> 
> Well after 6 months of MC she is back and we are in love, plus I am much more aware of what was bothering her. The only way to rid the poison of resentment is to forgive. This is the best gift you can give yourself.
> 
> Divorce does not always mean things will get better and you will likely drag issues into your next relationship.


We have not tried marriage counseling. Honestly I don't desire to go to counseling with him, I have heard all I've needed to hear from him at this point, plus I doubt any changes would be genuine or sustaining. I am looking to go to counseling for myself, one that can help me cope with the depression and ptsd that I have. I do plan on forgiving him, for me, but I don't want him anymore. We are great friends but I can see that he can't cope with the "heavy stuff"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Make your plan before you tell him. Gather a support team if you can; friends, family, counselors, a domestic violence shelter, a lawyer. Get a free consult with a lawyer ASAP.
> Figure out if you want to go or if you want him to go. He might offer it, you never know.
> If he has a history of violence or threats, then discreetly start moving thumgs of sentimental value to you to another location. Get all your financial paperwork and put in a safe place. All tax returns, bank statements, etc.
> If you think he will react violently tell him in a quiet public place or have someone in the house in another room.
> ...


Diwali, I definitey plan to have my mom with me when I tell him. Not because I tink he would be violonet with me, because I don't, but because I will probably need someone to drive me somewhere if he tells me to leave the house or something. I don't know how I can get a free lawyer, is there a website I can go to to find one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

That is terrible that he acted so stupid and selfish when you were in the hospital and were ill. I can understand how you feel, having been told by my husband when I started suffering with a SEVERE anxiety disorder that almost caused me to drop out of school that "I would get NO sympathy from him." I went to the ER literally thinking I was dying (I didn't know it was just panic at the time) and he refused to go with me and even slapped me on the leg because he forced me to lie down in bed with him to try to get my heart rate down and I couldn't stop shaking.

I guess your first step if you have decided on leaving is to go to an attorney.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Where do you live? Google "legal aid" and your county.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Give him another chance Floxie. At least tell him you are thinking about it and explain the heart of your resentment and the extent of the wedge it has put between you.

You mentioned in another thread that he knows you are leaving. Have you already told him? If you have and still does not want to fix things then by all means leave and get on with you life.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sorry, guys, but this is Floxie's life and I don't think it's our place to second guess her decision.

Floxie, there's no right answer. There's no good way to do it and there is no easy way to do it. You just have to do it. And we will be here for you.


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