# Divorce as I write.



## jurban (Dec 12, 2014)

After 3 years together (with a 4 month split in the middle) I got married in June of this year. I am 35, she is 32. In the meantime, I switched careers. I am C-Level executive, and decided to partner with a well respected guy from the industry to start a new company. My wife, soon to be ex wife, has always been a sort going out type of person. I wouldn't say a "party or club" girl, but more had to be at a bar every night. She is basically an alcoholic, and has to have at least 3 or 4 beers every night, and many nights it's in the 15-20 range. We had our issues, but always worked through them. Lots of bickering and a few bigger fights. Well, she has some friends that I believe (although I never really mentioned it to her to stop a fight) are just bad people. They are young, reckless, filled with Drama, and are not the kind of people to "help" if someone is having problems. 

With my career change, was the opportunity to move. She had stated a few times she wanted to move away from Dallas. She was wanting to get friends more our age, that we would both like. In discussing with my business partner, and me being COO, the decision was made that we would move to Indianapolis (where he and the business are located). This decision was made in mid-October. We were going to move in December, as it is dead time in the industry. 

She wasn't extremely excited about the move, but it was on a day by day basis. She would be excited for the new location and new things.... then be scared of it. These are understandable. We visited Indy in late Oct and picked a house for us to rent. Much bigger than needed, but I wanted her to feel comfortable and happy.

Then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. In the last two weeks before the move (around thanksgivig) she went out every night and didn't come home. She was staying with her friend, a female, and one I mention above as just bad news. One night she got in a bar "we'll say... disagreement" and fractured two of her ribs. I expressed my concern and tried to talk to her multiple times. I suggested counseling, and she refused. She was just extremely distant and didn't want to talk about anything. 2 nights after the ribs, I asked her about what her plans were (I had plans with friends). I directly said, please let me know if you aren't coming home. I get worried when I don't know where you are." She said she was going to a movie and back after that. Well 4AM came around and she finally got home completely smashed.

Next day (sat b4 thanksgiving), had lunch with friends at around 2. She woke up at 1, cracked a beer, and smoked a bowl. I have no issue with weed, but just couldn't believe it started that quickly after getting up. We met the friends, and although I wanted to go home about 10, we stayed out until about 1:00 AM (drinking the entire time). When we got home she said she needed a bath and drank a few glasses of wine. We got in a bit of an argument, and she was picked up by her friend she had been staying with. Last thing she said was that she would tell me after Thanksgiving if she was moving. Next day I talked to her sister that I'm close with. Explained what was going on, and how scared I was...for the marriage and for her well being. Her sister got ignored as my wife told her it "wasn't her problem" She went to her families for Thanksgiving. 

When she got back it all started again. I kept thinking that if we could just get to Indy, we would have some sort of fresh start. On the road trip, it wasn't fun. About an hour outside of Indy, she told me she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. That was the last straw. I could take no more. I had handled everything (selling the house, getting new one, handling the move, and also on top of it starting a business). She did none of it. She was officially moving back to Dallas, and so I told her i would not have a 14 hour time difference marriage, and we should get divorced.

We arrived in Indy on 12/7. As planned before she went to Detroit for work for one week. The movers split our stuff up my pile vs her pile. I've contacted the lawyer, and through emails, we have everything legally basically taken care of. How everything is split, etc. 

Today is going to be hard. She is coming to pick up her stuff, and make sure the movers have everything. She's picking up her dog, and heading back to dallas. (Oh and her friend flew in to ride back with her.)

I am in absolute shock. I know I'm filing, but I felt I had no choice. Her actions are not right. I'm not perfect, but damn, this is crazy.

Anyone have ANY advice???? New house, new city, new start up company, new divorce. My stress level has never even touched this level. I'm not sure how I'm handling it, not sure what to do next. Completely lost right now. Any advice would be most helpful. Even just to calm my nerves down.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I got nothing. She sounds like a train wreck before you got married, and strangely enough, marriage didn't fix that. 

Best I can advise is focus on yourself, connect with family, and try to learn from this mistake. But let her go. 

C


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ok,ok....I assume no kids. She would make a HORRIBLE mother. She is not even close to wife material. 

Chalk this up as a mistake. She's damaged. You need to get as far away from her as possible. 

You seem like a decent guy so you'll have no problem finding another woman. But now you know what to look for. Stay away from party girls. 

Btw, Your stress will go away once she does. You'll see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jurban (Dec 12, 2014)

Gosh I hope so. I'm doing everything to focus on the new company. Just kind of amazed that she wouldn't even try it here. But I guess that's how it goes. No kids, so thankful for that.


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

You dodged a bullet. Let her go, and move on. Drunks only get worse as they get older. No self respecting person gets in a bar fight.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You might not think about it this way right now...but the Universe just did you a HUGE favor!

If I were you, I would go ahead with it and concentrate on your new start up. 

I know it seems bad now, but this is going to get better for you...rather quickly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Congratulations! Let's just say that if you got acclimated to Big D, just stay the devil in Indy for your own sanity and peace of mind!

BTW, did you file for D in Dallas or there in Indy? I would have gone the Indy route, provided you met the residency or intent of residency requirements!


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Any improvements you can make to the new house to get more money than you paid for it? I'd assume Indianapolis isn't exactly a thriving real estate market at the moment...


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I second everyone else. The universe just gave you another chance. Choose wisely this time. Focus on your start-up.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Throw yourself into your work, and keep life at home simple. The rest will fall into place.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well, unless (a) she's independently wealthy, or (b) you wind up paying through the nose in alimony, be ready for her to show up on your doorstep begging for another chance at some point.

Oh, and since she essentially bailed on the marital residence (the new house), she effectively abandoned you. Talk to a lawyer to see whether or not this could work in your favor.

In the meantime, pull a hard 180. Throw yourself into your work and stack bills. Initiate no contact, answer no calls, and respond to no texts, e-mails, telegrams, or smoke signals. You have no kids and she took the dog, so what's to talk about anyway?


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## jurban (Dec 12, 2014)

Gus great points. I've already talked to my lawyer, paid the retainer, and since we were only married 6 months, she would get no alimony. We basically take back everything we each had before the marriage date. And split everything else. I am expecting her to start calling soon. But it is nice that she is a 13 hour drive away (as she is moving back to Dallas tomorrow) and can't just show up. Also let's me focus on work with little distractions. 

Still just in shock at someone having so much hate and anger at me. Just crazy.


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## jurban (Dec 12, 2014)

Brock, I am actually renting this house. Main reason was I hadn't been in Indy before and didn't know where I wanted to put down roots. So no worries on that front. Got about 50K from the sale of my other house in Dallas, so have that as protection.


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## jurban (Dec 12, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> Congratulations! Let's just say that if you got acclimated to Big D, just stay the devil in Indy for your own sanity and peace of mind!
> 
> BTW, did you file for D in Dallas or there in Indy? I would have gone the Indy route, provided you met the residency or intent of residency requirements!


I filed while in Indy, but it doesn't matter. Have to be out of texas for 6 months before it would go to another state. I'm not going anywhere (except Vegas in early Jan...  ) I have an opportunity in my career that many people only dream of. It's time to make it happen. I believe it's a good / bad thing I'm here and not in Dallas. If I was in Dallas, I would have so many distractions of people asking what the hell just happened. However, if I was in Dallas, I would have lots of friends to provide me with distraction. Well, I guess can't have it both ways.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I agree with others, you did yourself a huge favour and dodged a bullet. She seems like a person with many emotional problems and unwilling to address them, and uncaring about you. She'll need many years of hard work on her personal growth and therapy before she'll be a safe person for herself, let alone ready for a mature, functional, emotionally healthy relationship. And she'll probably have to hit rock bottom before she'll be ready to get help, and then there will probably be lots of false starts, relapses etc. So if you stayed with her, she would drag you down and hurt you, and if she got pregnant, poor kids.

I expect that in the future, you'll get a call from her as her life starts to fall apart, and she'll see you as a safe haven and a plan B (btw, is there a chance she was cheating/cheated on you?), she'll want you to rescue her. The best thing you can do is to go no contact immediately after the divorce and if she manages to contact you, tell her to reach out to her family and friends, that you must heal yourself and that you can't have contact with her. If she'll be suicidal, call 911 and call her sister.


I strongly urge you to get into therapy! I also encourage you to read the following books:
- No more mr. Nice guy
- Codependent no more
- 5 languages of love
- His needs, her needs
- Not just friends

All will help you with your personal growth and to be better emotionally equipped to handle the next relationship.

I also can't stress enough the importance of exercising, eating healthily, sleeping enough. Don't run yourself into the ground by working.

Also, if you can spare an hour or two a week, do some volunteering. You'll help others (people, animals, environment,...) and help yourself, you'll meet new friends etc.

Best wishes


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