# Getting over my lies



## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

For anyone who read my post a few months back, I am the one who slept with my sister in law. I am finally over my own lies and bullsh*t. I said it happened once, it was twice. I finally came clean, I told my brother in law, he is not upset. Apparently, he doesn't view it as "cheating" because its a woman. He is, however upset about not telling him. I was a liar. I realized that I was ashamed and thought that by telling "half-truths" I was "protecting" my husband, but I was a liar, I was protecting myself. I still get a bit hysterical, knowing that I've hurt my husband forever, I became the thing I hated most in life. if anybody else hurt him like that, id beat them to death... but it was me. He asked for some details, and I cried and couldn't tell him, I gave him pieces. I finally made up my mind to stop getting overly-emotional, I told him "I will give you everything you need to know, I will not hold back" so far, he has wanted nothing else.
I have spent some time soul searching. I think I did it because I was upset. In our marriage, I spent the last 2 years (minus the last 7 months) waiting for him to come home from the bar. there were no women (except for an occasional game of pool), I told myself he was entertaining women at a bar because it is much nicer than the fact that he would rather spend time away from me than with me. I believe that I started on a path of self destruction. I was drinking so heavily, I cheated twice, that's the big one, but I also had jumped from a moving vehicle, started bar fights, punched my brother in law, and got into a physical fight with my sister in law. the beginning of 2013 was a change for me. My amazing, wonderful husband changed his life. he started coming home, he stopped working out of town , he became the husband I knew he was. and I quit drinking, I stopped being self-destructive. And I fessed up. He says he doesn't think I would have told him if things wouldn't have changed, and I'm scared he might be right.

I feel like I'm doing things right for the first time in a long time. I still have huge amounts of guilt for the pain I have caused him, I still feel pain knowing that I gave him a scar.. that it lasts forever, I wish I could take it all away. But honestly, in my heart of hearts, I'm so happy its on the table, I'm so happy I know that my anger and resentment took me to a place I don't want to be. I feel like I can avoid anything like this ever happening again, I feel good about being honest with myself, and him.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Good for you. I am glad that you finally have come clean and are learning from your bad choices and lifestyle. Keep moving forward.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It sounds like you and your husband are finally on the right track...I know your husband is upset, but he was putting in the position of a single person by not coming home....I am not one of those people who blames the WS for everything, I know of people who WERE forced to cheat....

I am also like your BIL....I don't think I would be upset if my wife confessed to making it with another woman.....It just dosn't carry the implications that sex with another man does....I would more or less think if it as someone seeking comfort in a hostile marriage....

Now that you and your H are on the right track, stay away from the booze, and spend lots of quality time together....You have been given a second chance, don't blow it...

the woodchuck


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, your brother in law is dead wrong about it not mattering because his wife cheated with another woman,

I predict his marriage is doomed.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

So was it twice in one night or two separate occasions?


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> So was it twice in one night or two separate occasions?


It was Two separate occasions 3 weeks apart. And I'm not quite sure I agree with the term "forced to cheat" (in response to another poster)Angry and resentful, sure, but we are supposed to handle that better as adults


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Thank you for your answer. Were you drunk both times? It appears you were willing and not coerced if you were not drunk on both occasions.
However the mere fact that you did it twice shows you found it exciting for the moment. Who instigated these two meetings? Were you the aggressor?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> And I'm not quite sure I agree with the term "forced to cheat" (in response to another poster)Angry and resentful, sure, but we are supposed to handle that better as adults


I agree. No one is ever forced to cheat. We are always able to make our own choices, and if we are not able to (due to forced threat of death or injury) then it is beyond "our" will and not cheating at that point but a crime on the agressor's part.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Thank you for your answer. Were you drunk both times? It appears you were willing and not coerced if you were not drunk on both occasions.
> However the mere fact that you did it twice shows you found it exciting for the moment. Who instigated these two meetings? Were you the aggressor?


Yes, drunk both times. I'm going to say that I must have been willing, or it wouldn't have happened. She had tried to kiss me before, and I had laughed at her, and the first time, I had brought it up, saying that she was so stupid and drunk that night, and she told me that she remembered and had wanted to kiss me. I however, kept my pants on, but hers came off.. I am the one who touched her, she never touched me down low. for some reason, I thought that made it better, now I am wondering if it made it worse.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> Yes, drunk both times. I'm going to say that I must have been willing, or it wouldn't have happened. She had tried to kiss me before, and I had laughed at her, and the first time, I had brought it up, saying that she was so stupid and drunk that night, and she told me that she remembered and had wanted to kiss me. I however, kept my pants on, but hers came off.. I am the one who touched her, she never touched me down low. for some reason, I thought that made it better, now I am wondering if it made it worse.


Don't know about worse, but think of it this way;You were the one doing the sex act..she was the one receiving.
I guess you felt if you received pleasure it would be worse, but giving really is just as bad. Pleasured or pleasuring..the act is being done.
However giving makes you look like the aggressor or the one preferring to commit to the act.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Don't know about worse, but think of it this way;You were the one doing the sex act..she was the one receiving.
> I guess you felt if you received pleasure it would be worse, but giving really is just as bad. Pleasured or pleasuring..the act is being done.
> However giving makes you look like the aggressor or the one preferring to commit to the act.


I see. I guess I thought (when I was drunk and in the middle of it all, not now) that if I wasn't touched, then I was somehow "saving myself" for my husband... I realize that it doesn't really matter anyways. Wrong is wrong.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> I see. I guess I thought (when I was drunk and in the middle of it all, not now) that if I wasn't touched, then I was somehow "saving myself" for my husband... I realize that it doesn't really matter anyways. Wrong is wrong.


Yep..saving yourself means saving all of you for your husband.
Not trying to be blunt, however just because you are not using one part that can be pleasured, yet using another to pleasure does not take "YOU" out of the equation. What is being saved?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> I believe that I started on a path of self destruction. I was drinking so heavily, I cheated twice, that's the big one, but I also had jumped from a moving vehicle, started bar fights, punched my brother in law, and got into a physical fight with my sister in law. the beginning of 2013 was a change for me. My amazing, wonderful husband changed his life. he started coming home, he stopped working out of town , he became the husband I knew he was. and I quit drinking, I stopped being self-destructive. And I fessed up. He says he doesn't think I would have told him if things wouldn't have changed, and I'm scared he might be right.


Pay atention to this. Look deep at this self destructive part of you.
You need to become a safe person, to you, to the ones you love. No matter what, regardless others - including your husband - behavior.
Shop and get into IC, find out where this come from, get the tools to avoid that path again.
Learn to cope, to manage your emotions, to control your unhealthy impulses, to deal with things in a healthy way, to live mindfully instead of self medication, scapism, self abuse...
You can't afford to carry this with you, to stay in the curse just because your husband is now behaving. Don't remain dependant of circunstances, choose control, choose self respect, body, mind and soul.
Be at charge, it will pay forever.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would be cutting your sister in law out of your lives forever. She's not a good person, and she's married to a guy who doesn't care if his wife cheats on him.

Basically she is living in an open marriage.

You do not want her in your life,


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> For anyone who read my post a few months back, I am the one who slept with my sister in law. I am finally over my own lies and bullsh*t. I said it happened once, it was twice. I finally came clean, I told my brother in law, he is not upset. Apparently, he doesn't view it as "cheating" because its a woman. He is, however upset about not telling him. I was a liar. I realized that I was ashamed and thought that by telling "half-truths" I was "protecting" my husband, but I was a liar, I was protecting myself. I still get a bit hysterical, knowing that I've hurt my husband forever, I became the thing I hated most in life. if anybody else hurt him like that, id beat them to death... but it was me. He asked for some details, and I cried and couldn't tell him, I gave him pieces. I finally made up my mind to stop getting overly-emotional, I told him "I will give you everything you need to know, I will not hold back" so far, he has wanted nothing else.
> I have spent some time soul searching. I think I did it because I was upset. In our marriage, I spent the last 2 years (minus the last 7 months) waiting for him to come home from the bar. there were no women (except for an occasional game of pool), I told myself he was entertaining women at a bar because it is much nicer than the fact that he would rather spend time away from me than with me. I believe that I started on a path of self destruction. I was drinking so heavily, I cheated twice, that's the big one, but I also had jumped from a moving vehicle, started bar fights, punched my brother in law, and got into a physical fight with my sister in law. the beginning of 2013 was a change for me. My amazing, wonderful husband changed his life. he started coming home, he stopped working out of town , he became the husband I knew he was. and I quit drinking, I stopped being self-destructive. And I fessed up. He says he doesn't think I would have told him if things wouldn't have changed, and I'm scared he might be right.
> 
> I feel like I'm doing things right for the first time in a long time. I still have huge amounts of guilt for the pain I have caused him, I still feel pain knowing that I gave him a scar.. that it lasts forever, I wish I could take it all away. But honestly, in my heart of hearts, I'm so happy its on the table, I'm so happy I know that my anger and resentment took me to a place I don't want to be. I feel like I can avoid anything like this ever happening again, I feel good about being honest with myself, and him.


This is good. Well done. Now seek counselling MC and IC for the both of you. Good luck with your future together. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Did you fess up? It sounds like you did but just want to know for sure. What pushed you to do finally come clean?


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Yep..saving yourself means saving all of you for your husband.
> Not trying to be blunt, however just because you are not using one part that can be pleasured, yet using another to pleasure does not take "YOU" out of the equation. What is being saved?


No, I completely understand this now, I just think that was the reason I was adamant about not allowing her to touch me. Its very stupid, its just true.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

CEL said:


> Did you fess up? It sounds like you did but just want to know for sure. What pushed you to do finally come clean?


It happened in October, I told him in May. I told him EVERYTHING in June. I eventually told him because in April he started coming home (like he said, we got better, so I confessed) I couldn't bare to look at him in the face and pretend like the "good wife" so I told him, even though he would have never found out, the day before our 8th anniversary. Maybe I chose a bad day, but I couldn't go into a new year of marriage in a lie. the whole truth came out because I was telling my SIL that I thought she had feelings for me that I didn't have for her (I believe maybe she loves/loved me) and my BIL overheard, he asked what the hell was going on and I told him, I told my SIL to answer and questions my H had (when I went away to talk to BIL, SIL was in hysterics), and she didn't say anything to him, but I told him the whole truth so that no surprises happened to him.

I know I was wrong, I know. If I could take anything back in my life, it would be the this, the action, not the telling.

as to my destructive behavior, I understand it well. I had a pretty rough childhood, so I learned to punish myself when I couldn't control the things around me. I have been working on it for a very long time.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay so let's talk turkey you looking for ways to help your husband heal? How is he doing? What have you put in place to endure it does not happen again? Want book recommends? How can we help you


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> as to my destructive behavior, I understand it well. I had a pretty rough childhood, so I learned to punish myself when I couldn't control the things around me. I have been working on it for a very long time.


How?
Time to deal with it as your main focus. No matter what.
I understand you are now happy about how the marriage is going on, even unburdened and relieved about the final disclosure. It's good, great.
Still, the other issues must be your priority. Marriages have ups and downs, your issues are with you forever if you don't deal with them.
Sorry the sermon. Wish you well.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

The only ways I can think of helping him heal is by putting my all into being a good wife, I have always "raised him up", except for last year, so I am just back at that. I support his choices and decisions, I make sure to recognize and compliment his achievements, I give him love. I get up with him every morning to make his breakfast and lunch, I lay out his clothes for him when he gets out of the shower, I make sure I am dressed nice when he gets home, I basically do everything he needs (which I've done for years minus this last one). I also would like to add that I don't do it because I feel I have to, I do it because I love him and want to make his life easier.

He is actually taking it quite well, he was of course upset that I didn't give him the whole truth in the beginning, but I think that he already dealt with the big shock of it, and now he is processing. I think that he looks at what I did and sees our last couple years and just wants to move on. He has decided to stop smoking, to start going to church, to slow down on his drinking. He doesn't really bring it up, and I have to learn not to, I have been kind of searching for penance (again with my always trying to punish myself) and he has told me to drop it, to leave it alone and to stop dwelling, he said that everything is going to be fine unless I turn myself into a hermit, hiding from the world because I am ashamed(what I've been doing lately). The only type of anger or hurt I have heard from him is, "Its kind of an awkward situation" "There is nothing else I'm gonna find out later?" "I have never even kissed someone else, so how pathetic is that" (that one got me, I just can't imagine feeling like he did at that moment) and "I swear to God, if it were a man, it would be over so fast"(and this one, I kind of thanked my lucky stars, I feel that this whole situation has brought to me attention how fragile that bond can become, that in one moment, we can destroy everything, and I was grateful that it was a women, because to him its less offensive, and that I never put myself in that situation again, man or woman, but I'm so grateful it wasn't a man.)

Sorry for the poor writing, and the subject bouncing, its early


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Any books on how to meet his needs better, I could use that. Even though we are young, he has that old school idea that counseling is bad, so any "after the affair" books will not be welcome in our house. But anything about having a stronger marriage is great. Also, I want to say that all of you are awesome. Its so nice to have a place where I'm not "the devil" and also a place where there is hope for love, instead of "now its doomed"


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I've seen these thrown around the forum since I've been here. Have never read any of them myself but they seem pretty popular on TAM.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd Edition: Janis A. Spring: 9780062122704: Amazon.com: Books

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Gary D Chapman: 9780802473158: Amazon.com: Books


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Thank you


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> The only ways I can think of helping him heal is by putting my all into being a good wife, I have always "raised him up", except for last year, so I am just back at that. I support his choices and decisions, I make sure to recognize and compliment his achievements, I give him love. I get up with him every morning to make his breakfast and lunch, I lay out his clothes for him when he gets out of the shower, I make sure I am dressed nice when he gets home, I basically do everything he needs (which I've done for years minus this last one). I also would like to add that I don't do it because I feel I have to, I do it because I love him and want to make his life easier.
> 
> He is actually taking it quite well, he was of course upset that I didn't give him the whole truth in the beginning, but I think that he already dealt with the big shock of it, and now he is processing. I think that he looks at what I did and sees our last couple years and just wants to move on. He has decided to stop smoking, to start going to church, to slow down on his drinking. He doesn't really bring it up, and I have to learn not to, I have been kind of searching for penance (again with my always trying to punish myself) and he has told me to drop it, to leave it alone and to stop dwelling, he said that everything is going to be fine unless I turn myself into a hermit, hiding from the world because I am ashamed(what I've been doing lately). The only type of anger or hurt I have heard from him is, "Its kind of an awkward situation" "There is nothing else I'm gonna find out later?" "I have never even kissed someone else, so how pathetic is that" (that one got me, I just can't imagine feeling like he did at that moment) and "I swear to God, if it were a man, it would be over so fast"(and this one, I kind of thanked my lucky stars, I feel that this whole situation has brought to me attention how fragile that bond can become, that in one moment, we can destroy everything, and I was grateful that it was a women, because to him its less offensive, and that I never put myself in that situation again, man or woman, but I'm so grateful it wasn't a man.)
> 
> Sorry for the poor writing, and the subject bouncing, its early


Dear feelingstupid,

This is a wonderful post and indicates to me that your really understand and accept responsibility for your infidelity. I doubt that there is much more to say about how to support your BH so just keep doing what you're doing and, based upon how you say he is reacting, I think the two of you will get through this.

Wishing you and your family well.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

On the subject of being the giver or the receiver...in most cases a person is both, but in cases where one is the giver, I think that it is actually worse. It is a very selfless act and shows that in that moment you care more for their pleasure than your own. In the confines of a committed relationship, the no strings attached blow job is one of the most intimate acts possible. A man going down on his woman with no expectation of anything in return is just as intimate. It is very difficult to separate and distinguish pleasuring someone else with nothing in return as anything other than one of the most loving, intimate acts.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

TBH I think TAM is making it worse. He tells me that he is upset but he is getting over it, I think I'm the one obsessing and making it more difficult. Every relationship is different, he is not a very emotional man, and I know this just keeps bringing it up. If he wants to drop it, I'm gonna drop it, and I will be the best danm wife a man could ask for, and if he wants to leave me someday, then so be it, I will have deserved it, but for now, I'm just going to do the best I can, and I'm deleting my profile, I don't need to be on the computer, I need to be in my life, making things as right as possible.


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