# Concerns about trial separation and how it affects my rights for child custody



## dootle2013 (Mar 31, 2013)

Need some advice here.
I want to say that I love my wife with all of my heart and have been married for 6 years. Recently, we have been going through a rough patch and in her words "have grown apart", "I love you, but not in love with you" and "its not you, I (wife) has changed". So we agreed on a trial separation as a last chance to see if she wants to continue with the marriage. The marriage counselor agreed with this as long as we were both in agreement with this. At this point, I will try anything and honestly believe that if I can show her my love for her by letting her go, then maybe she will see it and come back to us.

The question that I have, is that in this trial separation, she is going to take our son to live with her. She agreed to move out, rent a place and only take the things that she came into my house with and some other small agreed upon items (some pots, kitchen items, etc ...). In the agreement, I will continue paying for the car insurance, health insurance through my job, our 3 year old son's day care and give her a monthly payment for "child support" as she put it. We are quickly deciding on the amount right now. We also agreed on a 50/50 plan for our son, meaning that every two days he will stay over one of the parents house with alternating weekends at each parents house. On the evening of when our son goes to the other house, we will all have dinner together. This will help show our son that we are civil and might help with the communication between us. 

So the million dollar question that I have, is if we go through with this and I pay the perceived "child support" and I really digging a hole for myself if we decide to get a divorce? Am I setting a precedent that automatically gives her custody of our son. 

Thank you and I really do not just want to hand over custody of our child. I want to do the right thing and will do so if that truly is the best for our son, but I just don't want to give him up because a precedent was already set from the trial separation.

Any advice about this or about any part of my situation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your son is with you 50% of the time, he's not living with your wife. He's living with both of you. 

If you have your son 50%, why are you paying her child support? Does your wife have a job? If she does what % of the joint income does she earn?

How did you calculate child support? Did you use your state’s formula to do this?

You really should see an attorney to ask them about this. It will set precedence.


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## dootle2013 (Mar 31, 2013)

EleGirl,
Thank you for the quick reply and you are right that he will be with me 50% of the time, but I woke up in a cold sweat thinking that as I am trying to be accommodating as possible, that I might have set a precedent giving her automatically custodial rights to my son. I do not want to do that unless it is the best thing for him and really need to consider all factors before I make that decision.

As for the child support, you are right and I was thinking the same thing. If our son is with each of us 50% of the time, then why would I need to give her money as child support, I'll be support him when he is with me as well. She does make good money, about half of what I make, but I currently pay for about everything in the house minus her personal bills. I pay for the mortgage, utilities, taxes, food shopping, dry cleaning, car insurance, health insurance, basically everything else. I do want to support her in any way that I can, but I also do not want to be a crutch. If I help her too much then she may not really realize what my financial contributions are to the family. 

On a side note, I do the laundry, fold the clothes, wash all the dishes, more than my share of pick and drop off our son at day care, daily tidying of the house. In the end, I just think that I did too much and alienated her from her part of the house hold. So if I pay the child support, am I further hurting the situation?

Thanks again for the quick response. Really nice to know that there are people out there that can help and have a honest opinion/suggestion about this.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

The way child support is calculated in my state is a % portion of the combined income, which then the two parents pay a portion of based on their total earnings. So if you and your wife had the same income, and it was a 50/50 split, neither would owe the other. However, since you make 2 dollars to her 1,you would be responsible for 2/3 of the total cost, and thus owe her (2/3 - 1/2 or 1/6) of the total in support payments. You paying for the house or your other living expenses is not relevant to the child support calculation. The best way to figure everything out however is via your states support calculator.


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## dootle2013 (Mar 31, 2013)

Thank you and I am checking NJ State Support calulator right now. I dont mind giving more now in this time of reflection and being apart, but dont want to be a crutch and also dont want it to set a precedence if we decide to get a divorce. So I will be fair and use the State Support Calulator as the base. 

On another note, I have been reading that during a trial separation that if she has a relationship that leads to sex, then since we are still married, it would be considered cheating ... ? Am I reading that correctly, and if so does it not bode better in my favor in retain child custody later if we decide to get a divorce?

Thank you:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I were you, I'd handle the finances the way they would be handled if you are divorced.

I doubt she'd get any alimony since you have only been married 6 years. 

Since your income is twice hers, you would be paying her some child support even if your son is with you 50% of the time. Find your state calculator. If you need help with it send me a PM and I can probably help you out.

Do not give her anything more than you would be required to if you were divorced. You see, if she files for divorce, she can say that she is used to you giving her more than is required so she's asking the court to continue the larger amount that you have been giving her. Don't do it. Let her feel what divorce will be like for her.

If you are still married and she is having sex with someone, it's adultry even if you are separated. Until the court papers for legal separation or divorce are filed.. it's adultry.

You really need to see an attorney. "Trial separations" usually end in divorce. So get prepared.


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## dootle2013 (Mar 31, 2013)

Thank you and I will PM you about helping me with calculating what I should be giving her as support.

But on another note, I have reading through the forums and keep hearing about the 180 plan, can someone tell me the exact name of it and then I can read the book? I also stumbled on No. More Mr. Nice Guy, is that good?


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