# Am I crazy or is there a chance?



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

21 years married. Im 45 and she's 46
2 kids 15 and 11.

Found out in November 2020 that wife was having a PA with a coworker since November 2019. It was discovered by her boss and she lost her job as well as the AP. Affair was highly sexual with them meeting every other week to have sex in the back of our SUV at a local sports complex. She was bringing him to our home when I was out of town 3 times. Total sexual encounters 16-17. Juicy details are sex consisting of him eating and then sex or her sucking and then sex. Usually total time going at was 15 minutes tops in the car and 30 mins at the house. AP is 15 years younger and married with 1 child. Wife said she wasn't "into" the sex she liked the feeling of being wanted and worthy. Lots of sexting and daily texts about life in general. She basically enjoyed the attention and feeling sexually desired. When caught she lied her buns off, it only happened 6 times, I never sucked him etc.....then she said she would tell me everything and the majority of the details were shared on Dec 31 but some gruesome details were straight up lied about. We are pretty adventurous in bed and she tied him down playing dominatrix with him, used the vibrator i bought her 3 times. Told him she was his sexy beast. Swears she didn't do it for the sex and never really participated other than sucking him.Says she was quiet and he was quiet, eyes closed and just let him do his thing to keep him coming back. He came inside her 90% of the time, that really bothers me a lot. Clean std test.​Cliffs of part 1: 1 year affair and trickle truthed.​We have been working on R since Nov of 2020. She has been going to IC, was reading books but has stopped and desperately wants the marriage to work. She has been compassionate, caring, and very empathetic. She truly wants to fix what she broke According to her...........something didn't feel right and the details seemed to not match her Google history so I pressed and pressed for the whole truth. Have there been other affairs? Are the details of the sex accurate? Those were the two big ones. She put on an Emmy Award winning performance as she lied and lied some more, all while going to therapy and lying to the therapist as well.​​In Late July of 2021 9 months into R I discovered a private email account and hacked into it..........She was hiding a 6 year affair with a different coworker who is 15 years older that started in 2014. I discovered texts between them in 2014 and she stopped communicating with him for 4 months. Basically they never stopped. Emails every day. 100s of nudes and detailed raunchy descriptions of sex acts. They had sex 2-3 times per year when I was out of town at predictable times. She met him 3 times in 6 years to suck him off and let him pop in her mouth. I've confirmed this information by confronting OM and his info matches hers. Total sex 18 -20 times all in my bed. Standard fare nothing wild bc he was too old and his back was hurt. Says same thing about this affair as the other. He made her feel wanted and worthy she didn't enjoy the sex but used it as a way to keep the attention coming.​​I drug the info out of her and she also confessed that she had been sending nudes to 4 other guys at work that were all in their mid to late 60's. They expressed interest and wanted sex from her but she wouldn't do it, she liked the attention from them and felt like she was doing them a favor by sending the nudes. All affairs were a result of the men approaching her and her enjoying the attention using sex to keep the feel good coming.​​She has signed a heavy prenuptial that states she loses the house in case of future infidelity, if any contact is made with any of the men, and if any information has been with held or affair not confessed. She has agreed to a polygraph to prove she is telling the truth and that there is no further information to share.​​She is an incredible mother, financial provider, and the hardest working woman you can find. Our home is spotless and other than her infidelity she's pretty much the perfect wife.​​Our marriage was broken bc she was always busy doing everything for everyone else to make herself happy. She would sleep 4 hrs a night and work herself to death for her job, spend hours on Facebook, and complete project after project. I worked hard for us to have a relationship, suggested MC, took her on lavish trips, tried to make her feel special. She just would never stop, I would often say " its always something but its never me". That went on for a while and then kids came into picture and we became co parents and roommates basically no real emotional connection or relation ship. I grew bitter and began to resent her leading up to the 2014 incident. " He was just a friend and things went way to far..... he appreciated me and wanted me, made me feel worthy, I wasn't attracted to him just the way he made me feel so I brought sex into as a way to keep him interested in me so I could feel better about myself. 6 years of disconnected miserable roommate marriage followed. And now.....2 PA and sending nudes to old geriatric dudes.....wtf?​​We are both in MC and IC. She is willing to do ANYTHING to make the marriage work. Says she has crashed into a cement wall and completely destroyed herself, says she is ashamed and realizes her priorities have been out of whack for a long time.. She has asked me to stay for one year possibly 2 to see if love and trust can grow and me not be the miserable lifeless person I feel like. I've lost 71lbs since Nov and am suffering from heavy depression and detachment after the 2nd d-day in late July 2021( basically a month ago)​My question is this i guess......Am I fooling myself and just need to go ahead and divorce or should I give it some time and see how it plays out?​​She is being the nicest person on earth, rocking my world in bed and a total emotional wreck because of the pain her actions have caused me and our families.​​TAM I could use your insight. Stick with devil I know and keep a care free well taken care of existence with the hope of restoring love and trust or divorce and start from scratch. I make 40k a year so money would be kinda tight. I want to make it work for the kids and myself but am so filled with pain and shock I cant make my mind up. Help or advice is greatly appreciated.​


----------



## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

would you have any self respect if you chose to stay with her after ALL of this?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

She’s a wonderful mother… barely sleeps, the house is spotless and lots of time for Facebook and affairs and career… so when and where is the wonderful parenting happening? Can these kids spill crumbs and enjoy themselves, or is she at them with the vacuum cleaner straightaway?

Where’s the mother in all this parenting?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, you’re fooling yourself. Your wife is a total *****. She’s a serial cheater and no matter what,she will continue to cheat. You know this.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I guess some guys will put up with anything in exchange for a clean house these days. Fooling yourself? seriously, who would stay with a woman like this?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Serial cheater? Sex addict?

It's going to be a long, hard road for you.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So, she has been cheating on you your entire relationship.

She never had time for the two of you.

She had time to have relationships with All of these other men, just not with you.

Why in the hell do you want to stay with this person that has treated you like **** your entire relationship?

You still don’t know everything.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Other suggestions.

Burn your bed.

Tell your kids that your relationship with their mother is damaged and the two of you might be separating. Don’t just spring this on them.

Have your wife explain why. She just needs to tell them that she has had multiple boyfriends during your marriage and has possibility damage your marriage beyond repair.

Love on your kids.

Read The 180 and do it.

Make your wife fix what she has broken. Do not help her. She has to do the work herself, if she is willing to.

I would just divorce at this point.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you honestly think that you could ever trust her again? I mean basically cheating with 2 men at once, cheating with 4 more by sexting etc. No boundaries at all with the opposite sex. No moral values.No sense at all of being faithful. 

I know that for me the trust would be shattered and past ever mending.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you know what you want , you don't need us to tell you


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

71 lbs? Where did you start?


Supraman said:


> Our marriage was broken bc she was always busy doing everything for everyone else to make herself happy. She would sleep 4 hrs a night and work herself to death for her job, spend hours on Facebook, and complete project after project. I worked hard for us to have a relationship, suggested MC, took her on lavish trips, tried to make her feel special. She just would never stop, I would often say " its always something but its never me". That went on for a while and then kids came into picture and we became co parents and roommates basically no real emotional connection or relation ship.​


This is probably not going to change. Maybe temporarily, now, while she is embarrassed.


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

Thanks for all the responses.
My gut says leave. I've talked with an attorney already to lay out the process and how it works.

Trust is destroyed. Shes 200% transparent with all passwords and accounts. Shes agreed to a forensic download of her phone and laptop. The post nuptial is solid. She appears to be genuinely remorseful and hates the person she was. These are the reasons I feel like not quitting and I can admit I was an a**hole for a big part of our marriage. I can admit that I pushed her away.

I'm a big guy at 6'4" and was 371 lbs. Im down to 296 as of this morning. 

I'm reading your advice and I thank you guys. Im on the fence I cant apologize for that. 2 kids and an intertwined life. I know I can start over but don't know if I want to trade the devil I know for someone even worse. My wife has daddy issues, poor self esteem, and a broken moral compass. The next woman could be waaaaay worse.
Thanks to all who commented.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Supraman said:


> Trust is destroyed. Shes 200% transparent with all passwords


That's impossible.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife has poor self-esteem because she knows she's trading kitty pics and sex for pats on the back. She doesn't respect herself so you know she doesn't respect you. Can you imagine the gossip around the water cooler at work? Do you want to be the butt of those jokes? She didn't even have the decency to go to the no-tell motel.

At 46, she isn't a candidate for a personality transplant or character makeover. This is who she is and who you want to call wife. Good luck with that.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It is in her DNA to chase men and trade sex for attention to feel better about herself. This is her base character and it will not change. She can hide it for a while, but the desire to have validation by seeking the attention of other men is part of who she is.

Speaking of DNA. I would DNA the kids to assure that they are yours. 

You sound as if you are allowing fear of the future to color your decision. Yes, you could definitely end up with another cheater. There are no guarantees of a future without problems. But could you ever trust her again? It is your life and your decision the make so I wish you the best.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Supraman said:


> 21 years married. Im 45 and she's 46
> 2 kids 15 and 11.
> 
> Found out in November 2020 that wife was having a PA with a coworker since November 2019. It was discovered by her boss and she lost her job as well as the AP. Affair was highly sexual with them meeting every other week to have sex in the back of our SUV at a local sports complex. She was bringing him to our home when I was out of town 3 times. Total sexual encounters 16-17. Juicy details are sex consisting of him eating and then sex or her sucking and then sex. Usually total time going at was 15 minutes tops in the car and 30 mins at the house. AP is 15 years younger and married with 1 child. Wife said she wasn't "into" the sex she liked the feeling of being wanted and worthy. Lots of sexting and daily texts about life in general. She basically enjoyed the attention and feeling sexually desired. When caught she lied her buns off, it only happened 6 times, I never sucked him etc.....then she said she would tell me everything and the majority of the details were shared on Dec 31 but some gruesome details were straight up lied about. We are pretty adventurous in bed and she tied him down playing dominatrix with him, used the vibrator i bought her 3 times. Told him she was his sexy beast. Swears she didn't do it for the sex and never really participated other than sucking him.Says she was quiet and he was quiet, eyes closed and just let him do his thing to keep him coming back. He came inside her 90% of the time, that really bothers me a lot. Clean std test.​Cliffs of part 1: 1 year affair and trickle truthed.​We have been working on R since Nov of 2020. She has been going to IC, was reading books but has stopped and desperately wants the marriage to work. She has been compassionate, caring, and very empathetic. She truly wants to fix what she broke According to her...........something didn't feel right and the details seemed to not match her Google history so I pressed and pressed for the whole truth. Have there been other affairs? Are the details of the sex accurate? Those were the two big ones. She put on an Emmy Award winning performance as she lied and lied some more, all while going to therapy and lying to the therapist as well.​​In Late July of 2021 9 months into R I discovered a private email account and hacked into it..........She was hiding a 6 year affair with a different coworker who is 15 years older that started in 2014. I discovered texts between them in 2014 and she stopped communicating with him for 4 months. Basically they never stopped. Emails every day. 100s of nudes and detailed raunchy descriptions of sex acts. They had sex 2-3 times per year when I was out of town at predictable times. She met him 3 times in 6 years to suck him off and let him pop in her mouth. I've confirmed this information by confronting OM and his info matches hers. Total sex 18 -20 times all in my bed. Standard fare nothing wild bc he was too old and his back was hurt. Says same thing about this affair as the other. He made her feel wanted and worthy she didn't enjoy the sex but used it as a way to keep the attention coming.​​I drug the info out of her and she also confessed that she had been sending nudes to 4 other guys at work that were all in their mid to late 60's. They expressed interest and wanted sex from her but she wouldn't do it, she liked the attention from them and felt like she was doing them a favor by sending the nudes. All affairs were a result of the men approaching her and her enjoying the attention using sex to keep the feel good coming.​​She has signed a heavy prenuptial that states she loses the house in case of future infidelity, if any contact is made with any of the men, and if any information has been with held or affair not confessed. She has agreed to a polygraph to prove she is telling the truth and that there is no further information to share.​​She is an incredible mother, financial provider, and the hardest working woman you can find. Our home is spotless and other than her infidelity she's pretty much the perfect wife.​​Our marriage was broken bc she was always busy doing everything for everyone else to make herself happy. She would sleep 4 hrs a night and work herself to death for her job, spend hours on Facebook, and complete project after project. I worked hard for us to have a relationship, suggested MC, took her on lavish trips, tried to make her feel special. She just would never stop, I would often say " its always something but its never me". That went on for a while and then kids came into picture and we became co parents and roommates basically no real emotional connection or relation ship. I grew bitter and began to resent her leading up to the 2014 incident. " He was just a friend and things went way to far..... he appreciated me and wanted me, made me feel worthy, I wasn't attracted to him just the way he made me feel so I brought sex into as a way to keep him interested in me so I could feel better about myself. 6 years of disconnected miserable roommate marriage followed. And now.....2 PA and sending nudes to old geriatric dudes.....wtf?​​We are both in MC and IC. She is willing to do ANYTHING to make the marriage work. Says she has crashed into a cement wall and completely destroyed herself, says she is ashamed and realizes her priorities have been out of whack for a long time.. She has asked me to stay for one year possibly 2 to see if love and trust can grow and me not be the miserable lifeless person I feel like. I've lost 71lbs since Nov and am suffering from heavy depression and detachment after the 2nd d-day in late July 2021( basically a month ago)​My question is this i guess......Am I fooling myself and just need to go ahead and divorce or should I give it some time and see how it plays out?​​She is being the nicest person on earth, rocking my world in bed and a total emotional wreck because of the pain her actions have caused me and our families.​​TAM I could use your insight. Stick with devil I know and keep a care free well taken care of existence with the hope of restoring love and trust or divorce and start from scratch. I make 40k a year so money would be kinda tight. I want to make it work for the kids and myself but am so filled with pain and shock I cant make my mind up. Help or advice is greatly appreciated.​


In your shoes would already have been divorced from her since 2019. The only men you know about are the ones you discovered. She eventually admitted what you knew. My money says there were/are others. Including men she sexting. She is about as wanton as can imagine.

Up to you, do you want to continue fishing in the sewer until you catch something incurable?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Supraman said:


> Thanks for all the responses.
> My gut says leave. I've talked with an attorney already to lay out the process and how it works.
> 
> Trust is destroyed. Shes 200% transparent with all passwords and accounts. Shes agreed to a forensic download of her phone and laptop. The post nuptial is solid. She appears to be genuinely remorseful and hates the person she was. These are the reasons I feel like not quitting and I can admit I was an a**hole for a big part of our marriage. I can admit that I pushed her away.
> ...


Loads of people have poor self esteem and poor relationships with their dads, it's surely no excuse for serial cheating. 
Maybe she is really sorry, but I doubt she will be able to completely change her whole moral fibre and suddenly become a woman of integrity. She may be ok for a while, but long term I would say it's unlikely. 

When you say you were a poor husband what do you mean?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Supraman said:


> Thanks for all the responses.
> My gut says leave. I've talked with an attorney already to lay out the process and how it works.
> 
> Trust is destroyed. Shes 200% transparent with all passwords and accounts. Shes agreed to a forensic download of her phone and laptop. The post nuptial is solid. She appears to be genuinely remorseful and hates the person she was. These are the reasons I feel like not quitting and I can admit I was an a**hole for a big part of our marriage. I can admit that I pushed her away.
> ...


I would be very surprised if you could find anyone worse than your WW. How could a woman be worse that doing multiple men for years at every opportunity? Only if you marry a fuultime hooker. At least she would have a good income.

Btw in your shoes I would DNA the kids. Enough males have had unprotected sex with her for at least seven years. Count up the times. She had sex with others more than with you? Have you been tested for STI? You likely been exposed to bunch of them.


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Burn your bed.
> 
> Love on your kids.


Bed is gone. Wife bought all new furniture for the house and bedroom. Repainted bedroom in an attempt to make it " new" and us restart a new marriage.



ABHale said:


> So, she has been cheating on you your entire relationship.
> 
> She never had time for the two of you.
> 
> ...


She hasn't been cheating the whole relationship just the last 6 years. It really pisses me off that she could find the time to text, sext, email and arrange meets but never plan a date night or trip. Part of me realizes I treated her like **** for a big part of the time before the affairs started. I can admit I was a **** and nothing she ever did was good enough, I was always angry with her because she was always busy. I've yelled and cursed her and made her feel horrible about herself. I can admit that I helped destroy her self esteem. Shes said many times " nothing i did for you was ever good enough, he was just a friend, he appreciated me, and I was able to feel worthy by helping him through a tough time in his life" granted there's no excuse for cheating but like I said I can admit my fault in destroying her self esteem which did help lead to the affair.
The kitty pics and the 1yr affair all happened at the same time. The kitty pics all happened in a 3 month period after the second affair started. She said she had lost all self respect at that point and figured since I've been a POS I may as well keep doing it. Trying to feel better about herself because she knew she was alying cheating *****. She went to the DR.and got on anti-depressants one month after the 2nd affair started, I didn't know. She had constant stomach issues and extreme headaches for months to the pont where I was looking at sending her to a specialist for help. She was distant, cold, scathing and withdrawn. Said constantly she knew she shouldn't be doing any of it but the high she got from being wanted and help the old pervs made her feel better bc she felt so bad. She is the nicest person you could meet, very attractive but doesn't think she's pretty from her childhood. Therapist says she helped the old men and had the affair with an older man bc her dad was a Supreme **** and she could never please him. 2nd affair was bc he was younger and hit on her a lot at work and it made her feel sexy and wanted. Midlife crisis issues. I know there's no excuse for her affairs but there is a why. There's also no excuse for how much of a **** I was during the tough times and when the kids came along. 
These are the reasons I'm willing to give it a shot. She really was a great and loving, willing to help anyone in need type person before and somewhat during the affairs. We have taken in several problem children who were abandoned or in need ( I'm a teacher) and she has the biggest heart for anyone who needs help. If she was a total ****bag with no redeeming qualities I would already be out. 

I really do appreciate yalls input. I might not agree with all of it at the moment but I am taking it in a using it to help me process all of this nonsense.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You didn't say whether or not she quit her job.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're crazy.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Supraman said:


> Bed is gone. Wife bought all new furniture for the house and bedroom. Repainted bedroom in an attempt to make it " new" and us restart a new marriage.
> 
> 
> She hasn't been cheating the whole relationship just the last 6 years. It really pisses me off that she could find the time to text, sext, email and arrange meets but never plan a date night or trip. Part of me realizes I treated her like *** for a big part of the time before the affairs started. I can admit I was a *** and nothing she ever did was good enough, I was always angry with her because she was always busy. I've yelled and cursed her and made her feel horrible about herself. I can admit that I helped destroy her self esteem. Shes said many times " nothing i did for you was ever good enough, he was just a friend, he appreciated me, and I was able to feel worthy by helping him through a tough time in his life" granted there's no excuse for cheating but like I said I can admit my fault in destroying her self esteem which did help lead to the affair.
> ...


New furniture for the whole house was crazy. You clearly have lots of money to waste. The bed definitely. Personally I would want to move away. Having an affair in the marital bed is just appalling. For me that would be the final nail in the coffin. 
I hope she has left her job and I hope that these older men arent married because she owes their wives a big appology. Plus the partners of the main affair partners.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you plan on staying so keep in mind that it would be extremely foolish for you to ever trust her the way you once did.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You have got to be kidding with your question. You should have divorced back in November 2020. Stop wasting your life for this empty pit of a woman.


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

TBT said:


> You didn't say whether or not she quit her job.


She quit her job.
Consents to polygraph to guarantee no other affairs that have not been disclosed.
Signed legal prenuptial with attorney that gives up the house and property if any affair has not been disclosed, has contact with any of the men involved, or commits a act of adultery. In IC once a week and was rocking my world until the last 2 weeks when I started to really disconnect from her. 

Basically I cant think of anything else she COULD do to fix what she broke. Ots just down to what do I want to do and thats logic vs. Emotion. Limbo stage.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Supraman said:


> Bed is gone. Wife bought all new furniture for the house and bedroom. Repainted bedroom in an attempt to make it " new" and us restart a new marriage.
> 
> 
> She hasn't been cheating the whole relationship just the last 6 years. It really pisses me off that she could find the time to text, sext, email and arrange meets but never plan a date night or trip. Part of me realizes I treated her like *** for a big part of the time before the affairs started. I can admit I was a *** and nothing she ever did was good enough, I was always angry with her because she was always busy. I've yelled and cursed her and made her feel horrible about herself. I can admit that I helped destroy her self esteem. Shes said many times " nothing i did for you was ever good enough, he was just a friend, he appreciated me, and I was able to feel worthy by helping him through a tough time in his life" granted there's no excuse for cheating but like I said I can admit my fault in destroying her self esteem which did help lead to the affair.
> ...


She's a serial, man. Serials don't change. Ever.

Also, you can bet that there are even more affairs that you don't know about.

Wake up and pull the plug on this dumpster fire of a marriage.


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

One guy was married. She has been made aware. All the others were single lonely old men. 

If there are other affairs that have not been disclosed she loses the house and land which is quite valuable. Postnuptial also states refusal to take or failing polygraph test results in loss of property. I cant see how she could still be hiding other indiscretions knowing it costs her everything. A family friend is and FBI instructor for polygraph and is considered one if the nations top professionals in that area. She knows he will be the administrator and we have sat down and discussed it with him. In his words " I will get the truth, the consequences are yours to own".


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

Also been Std tested and everything is clear.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for decades to a serial cheater. I don’t ever recommend staying with one. They rarely want a divorce — and will fight to keep one from happening — but they do want fun and excitement on the side. They’re damaged people and they’re difficult to be married to. They’ll promise you that they’ll change and they may even mean it at the time but when things get tough, as life always does, that’s their escape. If I had my life to live over, I would have never believed my exH’s promises. My only regret is that I didn’t divorce him sooner than I did.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Supraman said:


> She quit her job.
> Consents to polygraph to guarantee no other affairs that have not been disclosed.
> Signed legal prenuptial with attorney that gives up the house and property if any affair has not been disclosed, has contact with any of the men involved, or commits a act of adultery. In IC once a week and was rocking my world *until the last 2 weeks when I started to really disconnect from her.*
> 
> Basically I cant think of anything else she COULD do to fix what she broke. Ots just down to what do I want to do and thats logic vs. Emotion. Limbo stage.


Your gut is saying you are done. At her age, the core of who she is unlikely changed. Have you actually sceduled a poly? I bet if you do she will give you a parking lot confession when you drive up to the test site. You will be even more disgusted than you are now.


----------



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

The next woman could be way worse. Or maybe even better.
You want to give it a go, go ahead. Your life, OP. But any choice you make will always be a gamble. Whether it’s staying or leaving. 
Good luck.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your heart will tell you that everything will work out. I know that well because that’s what mine did for a very long time. But that doesn’t mean it will.


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Supra

whether or not your wife is now being faithful and remorseful the truth is she stopped being your wife, effectively ended your marriage, starting 6 years ago.

You barely have a relationship let alone a marriage.

So what i suggest is this. Start the divorce process. You haven’t been real husband and wife for years. She needs to work for years in IC to fix herself. She has to become a better person. A good person. She is not that right now.

You should be free to decide if she’s the right onefor you down the line. Right now, her intentions may be good. But she is absolutely is not yet a safe and loving spouse.

So stop pretending she is. Tell her straight out:

_“I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know that you ended our marriage the first time you cheated and the 6 years of infidelity and lying after. So I will be serving you w D papers this week.

You haveyears of work to do in order to change the awful person you are. I am not waiting around for that. I will stay in touch. We can decide to what extent we interact and how we connect going forward. But for right now I cannot call you my wife nor let you call me your husband.

what you do from here on will determine if we ever have a romantic relationship of any sort ever again. But for right nowthisis something I need, I must do, and if it’s true that you love me and want to help me heal, you will make this an amicable end to our relationship and continue the work to rebuild what we have and help me repair the hurt I have in my heart.”_

Then stop talking. Call the lawyer and have her served. The D process is long. You can watch her actions during it and decide what’s next.
If I were in your shoes that’s how I’d proceed. 
I hope you will consider it.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

_Signed legal prenuptial with attorney that gives up the house and property if any affair has not been disclosed, has contact with any of the men involved, or commits a act of adultery. _

I suggest you get a second opinion on the post nup. It's my understanding that courts are reluctant to enforce an infidelity clause (aka: a life style clause). Ask your attorney why he thinks it will be enforced (are there are court decisions where it was contested?).


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

Attorney says it should be enforceable because the remainder of marital property is divided equally and both of us have received legal council. At the end of the day in South Carolina a no fault state adultery is not a penalty and cannot be seen as a punishment by the court. Both attorneys agree that under SC law the agreement should be enforceable. 
This really sucks. I cant believe I'm in this situation with a woman I've been with for 24yrs. 

Looks like she's addicted to being sexually wanted and desired. After read everyone's comments it looks like its a behavior that SHE has to want to control/change. The more I read and understand the less bright the future looks with her.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

IMO your wife's long term behavior is that of an addict that keeps going back for a hit. In her case she's addicted to getting attention from other men and is willing to risk her marriage/family to get it.

No amount of attention/compliments from you will ever be able to compete with the thrill she gets from another man. 
No spouse can compete - nor should they have to. She needs to develop a plan for dealing with her 'need' before she is a candidate for reconciliation.

She needs to do more than promise to "never do that again". Why? because she's a proven long term expert 24/7 liar. It will take her years before her promises mean anything.

There's no quick fix here. How will you feel the next time you're out of town? 

Her need for attention from other men isn't going away by itself. What is she going to do to manage her 'needs' through the daily grind (and recurring ups & downs of life) going forward? Don't believe that this current train wreck is enough to guarantee she won't cheat again the next time she's feeling down. 

Why? because she's an addict and among other things they convince themself that they won't get caught.

At a minimum, insist on her developing a plan to manage her behavior before giving her a second chance.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Supraman said:


> Attorney says it should be enforceable because the remainder of marital property is divided equally and both of us have received legal council. At the end of the day in South Carolina a no fault state adultery is not a penalty and cannot be seen as a punishment by the court. Both attorneys agree that under SC law the agreement should be enforceable.
> This really sucks. I cant believe I'm in this situation with a woman I've been with for 24yrs.
> 
> Looks like she's addicted to being sexually wanted and desired. After read everyone's comments it looks like its a behavior that SHE has to want to control/change. The more I read and understand the less bright the future looks with her.


If you still have any thought about staying with her, make her take a Poly. Betting you will be surprised. You only know what you found out yourself that she couldn't refute. Maybe you have been sharing her with multiple men for the last 24 years?

For sure it is ALL on her to change. We can only change ourselves. But at age 46 (?) that is extremely unlikely to happen, she has built a lifelong habit. She HAS learned how to hide her habit better.

Have you been tested for STDs? Recently? If not, GET TESTED! And if you stay with her you might be best protected by staying celebate.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Supraman said:


> She quit her job.
> Consents to polygraph to guarantee no other affairs that have not been disclosed.
> Signed legal prenuptial with attorney that gives up the house and property if any affair has not been disclosed, has contact with any of the men involved, or commits a act of adultery. In IC once a week and was rocking my world until the last 2 weeks when I started to really disconnect from her.
> 
> Basically I cant think of anything else she COULD do to fix what she broke. Ots just down to what do I want to do and thats logic vs. Emotion. Limbo stage.


Some things cannot, nor should they be fixed. Your wife has done atrocious, terrible things, betrayals and constant lies plus men IN YOUR BED. These guys know where your kids sleep. EW.

This is a gross woman. It’s a special kind of sicko that has sex in the family’s home, in the marital bed, her and her hookups. It’s pathological to the point of mental perversion. And that’s NEVER going to be fixed. Ever. These people are real good at playing a victim and painting a pretty picture though and manipulating people to their cause. She’s probably convinced people that you’re a monster too. 

Did your lawyer inform you of how much she would need to pay you if you divorce?





> She is an incredible mother, financial provider, and the hardest working woman you can find. Our home is spotless and other than her infidelity she's pretty much the perfect wife.


Every action she’s taken, even manipulating you to keep her, indicates the complete opposite. A person who does this to her husband and family is NOT an incredible mother and cannot be anywhere close to a perfect wife. I think you need a new perspective on what decent human beings act like.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She's lied and she's still lying. God only knows how many affairs she's had before and during your marriage. I guess her only admirable quality is that she doesn't want to disrupt the kids' lives. Or maybe she's more concerned about her reputation. Or money. Who knows? In any case, you'll never know the truth. You only live once. Find a decent woman who is devoted to you.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Supraman said:


> 21 years married. Im 45 and she's 46
> 2 kids 15 and 11.
> 
> Found out in November 2020 that wife was having a PA with a coworker since November 2019. It was discovered by her boss and she lost her job as well as the AP. Affair was highly sexual with them meeting every other week to have sex in the back of our SUV at a local sports complex. She was bringing him to our home when I was out of town 3 times. Total sexual encounters 16-17. *Juicy details are sex consisting of him eating and then sex or her sucking and then sex. Usually total time going at was 15 minutes tops in the car and 30 mins at the house*. AP is 15 years younger and married with 1 child. Wife said she wasn't "into" the sex she liked the feeling of being wanted and worthy. Lots of sexting and daily texts about life in general. She basically enjoyed the attention and feeling sexually desired. When caught she lied her buns off, it only happened 6 times, I never sucked him etc.....then she said she would tell me everything and the majority of the details were shared on Dec 31 but some gruesome details were straight up lied about. We are pretty adventurous in bed and she tied him down playing dominatrix with him, *used the vibrator i bought her 3 times. Told him she was his sexy beast. Swears she didn't do it for the sex and never really participated other than sucking him.*Says she was quiet and he was quiet, eyes closed and just let him do his thing to keep him coming back.* He came inside her 90% of the time*, that really bothers me a lot. Clean std test.​Cliffs of part 1: 1 year affair and trickle truthed.​We have been working on R since Nov of 2020. She has been going to IC, was reading books but has stopped and desperately wants the marriage to work. She has been compassionate, caring, and very empathetic. She truly wants to fix what she broke According to her...........something didn't feel right and the details seemed to not match her Google history so I pressed and pressed for the whole truth. Have there been other affairs? Are the details of the sex accurate? Those were the two big ones. She put on an Emmy Award winning performance as she lied and lied some more, all while going to therapy and lying to the therapist as well.​​In Late July of 2021 9 months into R I discovered a private email account and hacked into it..........She was hiding a 6 year affair with a different coworker who is 15 years older that started in 2014. I discovered texts between them in 2014 and she stopped communicating with him for 4 months. Basically they never stopped. Emails every day. 100s of nudes and detailed raunchy descriptions of sex acts.* They had sex 2-3 times per year when I was out of town at predictable times. She met him 3 times in 6 years to suck him off and let him pop in her mouth. I've confirmed this information by confronting OM and his info matches hers. Total sex 18 -20 times all in my bed. *Standard fare nothing wild bc he was too old and his back was hurt. Says same thing about this affair as the other. He made her feel wanted and worthy she didn't enjoy the sex but used it as a way to keep the attention coming.​​* She has agreed to a polygraph to prove she is telling the truth and that there is no further information to share.*​​


Every time you even think about staying with the wanton woman, read what is in bold! She sure seems to like having any guy unload in her mouth. Maybe did that for bunch where she worked.

And take her up on the polygraph. Schedule it and take her to it. I bet it doesn't actually happen. She will spill her guts in the parking lot. If not, carry through with it.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Read the Unplugged Alpha and The Rational Male, books 1 and 2.

Best of luck.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Supraman said:


> Bed is gone. Wife bought all new furniture for the house and bedroom. Repainted bedroom in an attempt to make it " new" and us restart a new marriage.
> 
> 
> She hasn't been cheating the whole relationship just the last 6 years. It really pisses me off that she could find the time to text, sext, email and arrange meets but never plan a date night or trip. Part of me realizes I treated her like *** for a big part of the time before the affairs started. I can admit I was a *** and nothing she ever did was good enough, I was always angry with her because she was always busy. I've yelled and cursed her and made her feel horrible about herself. I can admit that I helped destroy her self esteem. Shes said many times " nothing i did for you was ever good enough, he was just a friend, he appreciated me, and I was able to feel worthy by helping him through a tough time in his life" granted there's no excuse for cheating but like I said I can admit my fault in destroying her self esteem which did help lead to the affair.
> ...


So you are taking responsibility for her cheating to be ok with it in the end. 👍

Why were you angry? It sounded like it was because the two of you didn’t do anything as a couple. She made no time for you.

What was she doing that wasn’t good enough?

How did you destroy her self esteem?

What did you do that was so horrible that you deserved to de cheated on? To have her **** other men in your bed.

Were thother men around your kids?

I really don’t think you know the whole truth.


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

ABHale said:


> So you are taking responsibility for her cheating to be ok with it in the end. 👍
> 
> Why were you angry? It sounded like it was because the two of you didn’t do anything as a couple. She made no time for you.
> 
> ...


I'm not taking responsibility but I am trying to be fair that I played a part in the demise of our relationship that ultimately opened the door for infidelity. She would work her ass off around the house and I was always salty about us not doing things together. Priority wise I came last and everything else came first, you have never seen a harder working woman though, she cut the grass and did all the housework so I had time to practice everyday as a professional marksman. She made no time for us but In her mind she was doing everything else to free me up to do the things I enjoyed. Thats how she was trying to show love and i didn't recognize it.. No matter what she did I was always salty and a butthole to her bc I didn't need her to do that for me I just wanted to spend time together.

I didn't deserve to be cheated on by any means, I just understand why there was a disconnect between us. She never had a strange man around the kids. She only brought them over if I was out of town with kids. I backpack and go on adventures, compete in bjj and always take my kids with me. She never liked those things. I may not know the whole truth? I pressed her hard and the polygraph is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. I got no information from her and have made the boundary that lying and further disclosure ie.parking lot confession will not be accepted. I have my ducks in a row and am ready to seperate if my boundaries are crossed. Yes I know she a cheating lying ***** but she really wants to change and get help. She pleads repeatedly that she hates the person she was and is tired of living a life hiding and being ashamed of herself. 
Thanks to all who tried to help.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Okay eoughyou at time sucked as a husband, you are 50% for the demise of your relationship as is she, but she is 100% responsible for her affair...none of that is on you...so why not just dump your ass and divorce you...she did not instead she chose to be a f ing weasel and have sex with other men. ....this was her way to get back at you.....

Btw I would have her pay for a new bed....she soiled it....also I would tell her you want hall passes you may or may not use them...that is not the point the point is for you to take control.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Supraman said:


> I'm not taking responsibility but I am trying to be fair that I played a part in the demise of our relationship that ultimately opened the door for infidelity. She would work her ass off around the house and I was always salty about us not doing things together. Priority wise I came last and everything else came first, you have never seen a harder working woman though, she cut the grass and did all the housework so I had time to practice everyday as a professional marksman. She made no time for us but In her mind she was doing everything else to free me up to do the things I enjoyed. Thats how she was trying to show love and i didn't recognize it.. No matter what she did I was always salty and a butthole to her bc I didn't need her to do that for me I just wanted to spend time together.
> 
> I didn't deserve to be cheated on by any means, I just understand why there was a disconnect between us. She never had a strange man around the kids. She only brought them over if I was out of town with kids. I backpack and go on adventures, compete in bjj and always take my kids with me. She never liked those things. I may not know the whole truth? I pressed her hard and the polygraph is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. I got no information from her and have made the boundary that lying and further disclosure ie.parking lot confession will not be accepted. I have my ducks in a row and am ready to seperate if my boundaries are crossed. Yes I know she a cheating lying *** but she really wants to change and get help. She pleads repeatedly that she hates the person she was and is tired of living a life hiding and being ashamed of herself.
> Thanks to all who tried to help.


I have to stop you right there. Nobody opens the door to infidelity. Infidelity is never an excuse or a valid response to anything that happens in the marriage. And for you to put that on yourself tells me why you’re even considering trying to “get over” it. She has a litany of choices and healthy methods of dealing with a crappy marriage, or even the worst husband, you honestly think infidelity is a viable one?

Her wanting to change and get help should have no bearing on whether or not you stay with her. That’s how I know her desire to change isn’t genuine, it’s a means to an end. You will not nice her into being the perfect wife sir. She will always be looking for the next guy. She’s proven it.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’re a chump because you allow it. You could/should do better.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you’re seeing from her is very likely regret for all her little secrets being exposed and not true remorse. She doesn’t want a divorce so she’s going to do whatever she can think of to convince you to stay. Great sex is always at the top of the list because women know that usually works. Time will tell whether her efforts are real or not so you have to decide if you’re willing to give her that time. It won’t be quick. Recovering from infidelity takes several years — at minimum — and often more than that. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Supraman said:


> I'm not taking responsibility but I am trying to be fair that I played a part in the demise of our relationship that ultimately opened the door for infidelity. She would work her ass off around the house and I was always salty about us not doing things together. Priority wise I came last and everything else came first, you have never seen a harder working woman though, she cut the grass and did all the housework so I had time to practice everyday as a professional marksman. She made no time for us but In her mind she was doing everything else to free me up to do the things I enjoyed. Thats how she was trying to show love and i didn't recognize it.. No matter what she did I was always salty and a butthole to her bc I didn't need her to do that for me I just wanted to spend time together.
> 
> I didn't deserve to be cheated on by any means, I just understand why there was a disconnect between us. She never had a strange man around the kids. She only brought them over if I was out of town with kids. I backpack and go on adventures, compete in bjj and always take my kids with me. She never liked those things. I may not know the whole truth? I pressed her hard and the polygraph is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. I got no information from her and have made the boundary that lying and further disclosure ie.parking lot confession will not be accepted. I have my ducks in a row and am ready to seperate if my boundaries are crossed. Yes I know she a cheating lying *** but she really wants to change and get help. She pleads repeatedly that she hates the person she was and is tired of living a life hiding and being ashamed of herself.
> Thanks to all who tried to help.


This is still incorrect. Your actions didn’t open the door for your wife to cheat. If it was the case, every woman on this planet would cheat at some point in their relationship.

Your wife made a choice to cheat. It had nothing to do with you. If she had told you that she was done and wanted a divorce, would you have changed your ways? What would you have done to stop her? 

What did she say about spending time together?

I was last on my wife priorities as well. Everything else came before me. I stopped trying as well. Stopped asking for a date night. Stopped asking for a weekend getaway. Then I just stopped and turned my attention to my kids. I was salty as well with my wife. It has been this way for about 15 yrs now. Yet she has never cheated on me.

Your wife made a choice to go outside the marriage instead of trying to fix it. Marriage counseling could have found that the two of you had different love languages. It could have given the two of you a new look on what was going on. Instead she decided to start ****ing other men. Your wife is just as guilty for the state of your marriage before the affair as you. Yet, you didn’t cheat.

Stop taking any responsibility for your wife’s actions. You didn’t push her to cheat, she made that choice all on her own.

Poor communication is what ruined your marriage. Her ****ing other men is what ended it.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

My husband can be as ass to me sometimes, mean and so on and say some tough stuff in anger. He can nag and so on, and it can make me feel low and not good enough AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT. Let’s face it, aren’t many of us like this sometimes? 

But the thing is, I haven’t done any of what she’s doing. Oh my goodness, I can’t imagine sending pics of myself like that or having affairs to feel better, I’d feel 10 times worse not better! I’d die of embarrassment!

Her mental health issues are exactly that, shame and embarrassment probably, rather than your behaviour.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Supraman said:


> I'm not taking responsibility but I am trying to be fair that I played a part in the demise of our relationship that ultimately opened the door for infidelity. She would work her ass off around the house and I was always salty about us not doing things together. Priority wise I came last and everything else came first, you have never seen a harder working woman though, she cut the grass and did all the housework so I had time to practice everyday as a professional marksman. She made no time for us but In her mind she was doing everything else to free me up to do the things I enjoyed. Thats how she was trying to show love and i didn't recognize it.. No matter what she did I was always salty and a butthole to her bc I didn't need her to do that for me I just wanted to spend time together.
> 
> I didn't deserve to be cheated on by any means, I just understand why there was a disconnect between us. She never had a strange man around the kids. She only brought them over if I was out of town with kids. I backpack and go on adventures, compete in bjj and always take my kids with me. She never liked those things. I may not know the whole truth? I pressed her hard and the polygraph is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. I got no information from her and have made the boundary that lying and further disclosure ie.parking lot confession will not be accepted. I have my ducks in a row and am ready to seperate if my boundaries are crossed. Yes I know she a cheating lying *** but she really wants to change and get help. She pleads repeatedly that she hates the person she was and is tired of living a life hiding and being ashamed of herself.
> Thanks to all who tried to help.


I think you are giving too much credence to her explanations. You can call yourself a **** all you want, but you made it known to her that you wanted to spend time with her. I going to assume she isn't stupid. She would have known spending time with you is the way YOU want her to show you love. She twisted this onto you by saying she worked hard to free up your time to do what you want? ********. What you wanted was to spend time with her!

Sounds like you want to give this a go and you are looking for validation here. You aren't going to get that from TAM. no one would agree with this. 

However, you seem pretty confident in your post nuptial. Ok. Well, you are married to a serial cheater. She will cheat again. If you can keep your sanity together, you can make a move on that post nuptial. That's pretty much a guarantee. I'm surprised she would give into such a bold document. I don't think it's the reasons you think. You think she can't possibly ever cheat again. Why would she after signing the post nuptial. There's another reason. She has no respect for you, she thinks you are stupid and won't find out and she thinks you don't have the balls to go through with the divorce. 

Anyway, that's what it looks like to me.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

You are crazy. There is no chance.

Your wife did what she did *because she wanted to,* not because you drove her to it.

As dedicated as she is to her work, the household and your kids *she still found the time to have unprotected sex with other men instead of with you*, her husband.

She has been doing this for the last 6 years. Years. You should assume she has been doing this for much longer and with many more men than you are aware of.

Verify your children are "_yours_." DNA test your children. 

Your wife doesn't love or respect you. Rather doubtful that she ever did considering you were never a priority and she made time to satisfy other men. Her signing the post nuptial guarantees nothing. Either she doesn't care about it or believes you will not follow through with divorce.

Nothing will change for the better in your marriage. Your wife is presently biding her time and will entertain other men when she is confident she has fooled you again.


----------



## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

Why would a faithful person want a chance with a cheater?

That question should be made by a cheater, but slightly different: Could I (a serial cheater) have a change with a faithful and honest man/woman?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Supraman said:


> nd *I was always salty about us not doing things together.* Priority wise I came last and everything else came first, you have never seen a harder working woman though, *she cut the grass and did all the housework so I had time to practice everyday as a professional marksman*. She made no time for us but In her mind she was doing everything else to free me up to do the things I enjoyed. Thats how she was trying to show love and i didn't recognize it.. No matter what she did I was always salty and a butthole to her bc I didn't need her to do that for me* I just wanted to spend time together.*
> 
> I didn't deserve to be cheated on by any means, I just understand why there was a disconnect between us. She never had a strange man around the kids. She only brought them over if I was out of town with kids.* I backpack and go on adventures, compete in bjj and always take my kids with me*


You were the kid in the marriage who got to go play while leaving your wife to do all of the chores. Then you *****ed her out for not entertaining you enough. I would say you definitely contributed to the screwed up state of your marriage.

With that said, she needed to divorce you and then carry on with whomever she wanted.

Also, you still need to lose about 50 lbs at least for your health. Your kids will appreciate having you around a few more years.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> What you’re seeing from her is very likely regret for all her little secrets being exposed and not true remorse. She doesn’t want a divorce so she’s going to do whatever she can think of to convince you to stay. Great sex is always at the top of the list because women know that usually works. Time will tell whether her efforts are real or not so you have to decide if you’re willing to give her that time. It won’t be quick. *Recovering from infidelity takes several years — at minimum — and often more than that. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.*


And, as those years roll by, WW has learned how to better conceal her extracurricular activities. Maybe inside she wishes she weren't who she is, but the pull of what she is addicted to is too strong. If she could change she already would have. She is giving BJs to completion, anywhere, anytime, to anyone young/old/any in between. A virtually unlimited number of willing receivers. In fact she maybe already has a reputation in town, so a contant stream of men will be seeking her services. That attention will be impossible for her to resist. Quick and easily concealed. Climb in some guys car in a parking lot even in broad daylight and 2-5 minutes it is over with.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Supraman said:



Part of me realizes I treated her like ** for a big part of the time before the affairs started. I can admit I was a ** and nothing she ever did was good enough, I was always angry with her because she was always busy. I've yelled and cursed her and made her feel horrible about herself. I can admit that I helped destroy her self esteem. Shes said many times " nothing i did for you was ever good enough, he was just a friend, he appreciated me, and I was able to feel worthy by helping him through a tough time in his life" granted there's no excuse for cheating but like I said I can admit my fault in destroying her self esteem which did help lead to the affair.

Click to expand...

*Got it.

This is the nonsense excuse you've desperately deluded yourself into believing in order to belly up to the bar at the **** Sandwich Cafe and eat that sandwich she's spent *6 years *preparing for you. And if you tell yourself this nonsense enough, you'll truly believe it and that sandwich will go down real smooth-like.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, folks.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)




----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Professional marksman????? Interesting. What do you shoot?


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Professional marksman????? Interesting. What do you shoot?


During the years 08-2010 I was a professional Archer. Multiple sponsors, made it on ESPN. 
Precision Rifle - Smallbore and High Caliber.
Practical Pistol -IPSC, IDPA
Spent pretty much every weekend away competing in matches. Justified it with the $$. She has only seen me compete once and that was Olympic trial for the Sydney games.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That’s pretty cool!!!!! Sounds like she was kinda lonely though. No excuse, but it wasn’t much of a team thing.


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

Lots to respond to. She has clinical OCD for perfectionism and also has Narcolepsy. She takes some pretty stout meds for the narco that basically amount to prescription meth to keep her awake and focused. 

She has a deep sense of being unattractive despite being beautiful. She is very tall and always felt unattractive because of it and difficult child years. Was sexually abused by neighbor at age 12 . Dad was overbearing asshole and drove the never good enough for anything complex. Had several ONS in college, this is where she learned sex gets attention from men. 

Says the entire affair period of her life killed her self esteem.

Was on anti depressants when 2nd affair started and said the whole thing was a downward spiral. Felt horrible because she was cheating and the only thing that made her feel better was the attention and feel good from being wanted. Felt like a cheap ***** and hated herself but kept chasing the highs to counter the lows......who ****ing knows right now. Im so lost in a world of Crap right now that I dont know what to believe. She is a phenomenal liar that seems to be true. Shes seeing a shrink, going to IC, being transparent, changed jobs, and her priorities have shifted. We spend a lot more time together, meds for Narco have been changed, OCD has calmed down. I know none of it changes what she did I just can't seem to quit when I can see she's trying. Im not trying very hard, im too busy being hurt, angry, and depressed to be of much good atm. We've agreed to give it a year to see if things change. Im not stupid but I might be crazy. I will maintain vigilance and keep a check from time to time if shes staying true. 
I agree its a **** sandwich. I've already taken several bites I guess ill clean my plate. I've got the post nuptial to fall back on if anything goes down or past Infidelity is discovered. Until then as crazy as it sounds ill just take it day by day. If im still miserable in a year I have an exit plan and will implement. Too much to lose to bail right now. Gonna have to give it a shot.


----------



## Supraman (Aug 20, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> That’s pretty cool!!!!! Sounds like she was kinda lonely though. No excuse, but it wasn’t much of a team thing.


There was a team mentality up until the 1st kid. Then it was like we took shifts raising the baby. She filled her life with the baby, work, and projects. I filled my life with whatever gave me a rush. I've drag raced, track days on sport bikes, competitive BJJ. I never stopped feeding my need to feel like a winner even when the 2nd child came. Thats why I say I was a crappy husband and as one person put it just another child in the house. I did nothing except compete and go on adventures. She stayed home, worked her tail off, did everything and all I did was chew her up and spit her out. I was a very angry and dominant ****head. Its no excuse to cheat but I can also admit I was looking for it too. If some decent looking woman would have approached me and given me attention I probably would have had an affair too, this disconnect between us was that huge. We were truly roommates that had wild adventurous sex and went on trips so we could have hot steamy sex. All we really shared was sex. 
If I learned to be alone for 6 years and still found happiness why can't I do it now? Tbe only thing that changed is that I know about the affairs now. She broke my heart in 2014 and I spent the past 6 years punishing her for it. I learned how to be happy alone through coaching and just enjoying my life in the absence of her. I kinda look at right now the same way. Our marriage has always been messed up but I figured out how to be happy I guess she did too . Bummer real bummer.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your wife is a nightmare. I'm telling you, most of the worst cheaters I hear about over the years are those who are attention w****s and/or those who need constant validation, usually in the same package. I mean, I have no faith that you can change people like that. Tiger Woods comes to mind. The lovliest wife and family at home, but it's never enough. He admitted he needed a string of women to validate him. That's something missing inside the person. You know, the first thing prostitutes are groomed to do is to stroke the john's ego and tell him how great he is in all ways and how his wife doesn't deserve him. And they will pay money to hear that, and a lot of them believe it. 

An old friend of mine was the biggest attention w****e I've ever met. If she wasn't the center of attention, she got mad. Once a guy was there playing guitar with a handful of people sitting around. She came home and tried to "take over the room" and got pretty much ignored, and got really pissed off. We lived together in my late 20s and she would book dates with more than one man and then maybe not show up for either of them and I'd end up with two guys in my living room waiting to see if she'd come home or not. One time she set me up with one of her excess guys and we all went out, and she switched from her date to my date by the end of the night.

She had a sustained marriage, but all through it I know she had crushes and temptations. She knew I didn't want to hear about it and didn't approve. Her man was a good one, intelligent, employed, very tolerant and just thought she was worth it. He said so. He unfortunately got a terminal cancer that through constant medical care let him survive several years, but by the middle of that, she was calling me wanting to talk about her affair with a handyman. I actually "broke up" with her after 30-some years of friendship because of that and told her why. I mean by then she was 60 and should have had more restraint. She had mental health problems, too. But narcissism was also a diagnosis, and that, I believe, was the main culprit.

She was actually very high IQ, in MENSA. She was just like a shark in the water, constantly feeding her self-esteem. When she was young and beautiful, it was easy. The older she got, the more desperate she got. 

I'm glad yours is in counseling, but my friend was in counseling early on as well. I think it did her some good, but her core never changed. She really did love her husband. That's the saddest part to me.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Supraman said:


> Lots to respond to. She has clinical OCD for perfectionism and also has Narcolepsy. She takes some pretty stout meds for the narco that basically amount to prescription meth to keep her awake and focused.
> 
> She has a deep sense of being unattractive despite being beautiful. She is very tall and always felt unattractive because of it and difficult child years. Was sexually abused by neighbor at age 12 . Dad was overbearing asshole and drove the never good enough for anything complex. Had several ONS in college, this is where she learned sex gets attention from men.
> 
> ...


Your marriage will never be the same…maybe that’s not a terrible thing either. But the issue with me was how to stop caring about, thinking about, feeling the terrible things that were done for long enough to even try to build something new. I never really got close to it, even though I tried really hard for a while to work on things.

In the end I didn’t have to wait it out, he started cheating again. The funny thing is, in hindsight, I’m glad he did. I would likely be with him still, trying to stop thinking about what he did and why a year later. It makes me want to puke just considering it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Supraman one thing that can be found at the base of many cheaters is CSA. Many people who have been victims of CSA don't cheat, but some do.

I suggest counselling for you both, as individuals and as a couple.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Supraman said:


> Wife said she wasn't "into" the sex she liked the feeling of being wanted and worthy.



You believe that? Want to buy a bridge. Low price. You can collect the tolls after purchase. You'll make millions. Let's talk. What do you expect her to say.. This is what they always say. Dude - she loved it. This is her hobby. She could have joined a book club.

This is the tip of the iceberg.

Usually, women who do it to this extent, are not into their husbands physically. They are not attracted to the husband anymore. This is very common so don't take it personally. It is also possible that she resented you so much that she wanted to hurt you as well. 



Supraman said:


> She said she had lost all self-respect at that point and figured *since I've been a POS* I may as well keep doing it.


Stop it w/ I'm a POS. As long as you adopt this thinking you are giving her a legitimate reason for being the town bicycle. What about your support. Your money. Putting a roof over her head. Paying the electric bill. This means something dude. It counts. For A lot. You didn't have to do these things. Keeping her safe from the rotten world. Doing all those things a husband does (insurance, Mr. fix it, cutting the grass, registering the cars, etc.. etc..) .

What you provide is a backstop. A safe place for her to call a home base. See you are selling yourself short because you don't really understand what the fk happened. You don't understand what we call female nature. The real dynamics between men and women. Not the nice little picture in your head that was created by Hollywood. The story you were taught by your clergyman. See he won't tell you the real deal. Society needs you providing. You are a provider. That's what you are. Your view of this dynamic was what you grew up on. The fairy tale. Al Bundy recommended two books. Now you've been partially awakened. You better read that sh=t. Try this one for some truth bombs that you never considered. The Manipulated Man by ester villar. (you can download this online) . Highly recommended school teacher. You need to understand that you have worth and where the man fits in.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The big difference is that she always knew what you were doing but you did not know about all the activities she was into. She lied, you did not. She chose to have affairs instead of telling you she was thinking about cheating and divorce.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

She is a lying cheater and that will never change. It can happen in an instant, and it will happen again.

The only reasons one accepts this kind of behavior from a spouse are fear and confidence (lack of) based.

You might be afraid to be on your own or if you'll find someone else. You might not feel like you can attract someone.

Time and again, these fears are proven to be false.

There is no doubt that you should divorce her over this if you have any self respect.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

When the pain of not changing becomes worse than the idea of changing your situation...you'll change it.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Supraman said:


> She quit her job.
> Consents to polygraph to guarantee no other affairs that have not been disclosed.
> Signed legal prenuptial with attorney that gives up the house and property if any affair has not been disclosed, has contact with any of the men involved, or commits a act of adultery. In IC once a week and was rocking my world until the last 2 weeks when I started to really disconnect from her.
> 
> Basically I cant think of anything else she COULD do to fix what she broke. Ots just down to what do I want to do and thats logic vs. Emotion. Limbo stage.


What more could she do? Agree to the divorce and let you move on with someone who isn't so horrible.

It was not a one time mistake. It was repeated over and over, different guys. It's ingrained in her personality.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Supraman said:


> I agree its a **** sandwich. I've already taken several bites I guess ill clean my plate. I've got the post nuptial to fall back on if anything goes down or past Infidelity is discovered. Until then as crazy as it sounds ill just take it day by day. If im still miserable in a year I have an exit plan and will implement. Too much to lose to bail right now. Gonna have to give it a shot.


You are making a mistake.

You asked for your opinion, there it is.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

She is a vile and despicable wife, why the hell what do you want to keep her? 
How can you possibly look at yourself in the mirror staying with her after all that?
I’m sorry you don’t have the strength, self respect and dignity to throw her out at this point.
This course of action, in this case, is weak and pathetic. If that’s how you want to live the rest of your life, good luck to you.


----------

