# Do cold war tactics actually work on ladies?



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Oh what tangled webs we weave. So let me first preface by saying that I know it isnt right but sometimes I do check my wifes text messages to her friends (we have been having problems so I try to know what she is thinking). So long story short, this past weekend, it was my birthday and we happened to be at a friend of mines wedding. I could tell my wife was flirting with the bar tender but didnt really think much of it, she is not one to cheat or really flirt but we both arent the jealous type. I checked her phone today and she texted her friend that night 'wow this bartender is really f'n hot, too bad my husband is here cramping my style'. Now I know most of this is girl talk, because her friend is single and ****ty and will be for life (excuse my language but i really dont like her), so im not sure how much of that is just girl talk and thats how they communicate or how much of it is genuine. Of course its impossible to tell because none of you know her, but I know she would never cheat. My question is....do girls normally talk to their other girl friends about that kind of stuff just in the context of having girl talk or is this something I should be concerned with? As a guy im sure I say to other guy friends 10 times a day that another girl is hot, but I am not sure if girls do the same thing in terms of just talking the talk but would never take action....

back to my subject line...Is it a dangerous game and slippery slope to start let 'slipping' that I think other girls are hot? Im wondering what you ladies think in terms of these cold war tactics we married couples play on each other. I know it may seem petty but I am more concerned with how you as a wife would feel if you saw a text from your husband saying the same thing about some female bartender, and what you would do about it (other than confrontation).


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

This friend of hers, is she new? Has she known her for years? How much time do they spend together. It could be her friend is a bad influence. As far as what your wife said, I'm less concerned about her saying the bar tender guy was hot and more concerned that she said, "to bad my husband is here cramping my style." You say shes not one to cheat, but how do you know for sure? I'm assuming you being there means she can't flirt full out, and why would she want to, shes a married woman. Also checking her texts does signal you think something is up and that you don't trust her. Perhaps its time for a talk, you need to find out where she stands in the marriage. Even if she wasn't to cheat, her flirting means she is wanting attention.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's a slippery slope.

She's putting you down and flirting w/ another man and telling her girlfriend about how she wished you weren't there.

You wanted to find something and did. 

Talk to he about it. 

Cold War tactics are for children, IMO. And they resolve nothing that has to do with the central issue.


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It's a slippery slope.
> 
> She's putting you down and flirting w/ another man and telling her girlfriend about how she wished you weren't there.
> 
> ...


Its tough because I know that I can only play that card once, so not sure I want to waste it on something like this, but yes I agree they are for children, just wasnt sure how many people playd them in their marriages these days..


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> This friend of hers, is she new? Has she known her for years? How much time do they spend together. It could be her friend is a bad influence. As far as what your wife said, I'm less concerned about her saying the bar tender guy was hot and more concerned that she said, "to bad my husband is here cramping my style." You say shes not one to cheat, but how do you know for sure? I'm assuming you being there means she can't flirt full out, and why would she want to, shes a married woman. Also checking her texts does signal you think something is up and that you don't trust her. Perhaps its time for a talk, you need to find out where she stands in the marriage. Even if she wasn't to cheat, her flirting means she is wanting attention.


No this is her friend of 10 + years and she is the friend that always has crazy guy stories, hooking up with 5 dudes at a time, etc. Thats the main reason I think it could merely be girl talk because that is the type of stuff her and this girl talk about. It was still jsut hurtful to see it being said form my wife. While I say she wont cheat, I guess no one really ever knows do we? But from what I can gather, she hasnt been cheating. The reason I check her texts is because we have been having some troubles for the last few months and I initially thought she may be interested in other men so I have been occasionally reading her emails and texts just to make sure she isnt.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> yes I agree they are for children, just wasnt sure how many people playd them in their marriages these days..


My husband used to play them a lot and I left.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sounds like your wife needs new friends. Also do you have a plan just in case you were to ever find a email or text that shows she was clearly cheating or thinking about it?


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> My husband used to play them a lot and I left.


well thats what im worried about. Do I just pretend like I dont know and suffer in silence, or play her games just so I can feel even, but risk the marriage down the road. As I said before, what tangled webs we weave


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My BFF would say something like that as strictly a JOKE. So it depends on the person. Of course, she'd probably say it in front of her hubby, too!  She might have meant it playfully since she was talking to a friend such as you describe. I wouldn't play games and I wouldn't call her out on it. I'd just keep a watchful eye out but then I've never been burned by infidelity.


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Sounds like your wife needs new friends. Also do you have a plan just in case you were to ever find a email or text that shows she was clearly cheating or thinking about it?


Yes I totally agree. We are moving from DC back to Austin next week so i think that will help, because all of our friends there are married and it will be a better influence on her. Here in DC all her friends are single or hate their husbands and cheat on them all the time so that is all she is exposed to when she speaks with them. Im hoping she stops talking to this girl once we move but I doubt it.

That is why i said I can only play that card once, because once I call her out she will know that Ive been checking her messages and she will change her pw and I cant check them anymore...but if I found evidence of actual cheating about cheating about to happen, bet your ass I will say something. For now I dont care if she thinks another guy is hot, we are human after all. Just didnt like that she was texting her gf that, when she is supposed to be hanging out with me, on my birthday of all days


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No. Do not suffer in silence. Do not play games.

Talk open and honestly about you feelings and try to come to a resolution.


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> No. Do not suffer in silence. Do not play games.
> 
> Talk open and honestly about you feelings and try to come to a resolution.


How do I do this without basically saying 'I know you sent a text to your friend and it hurt my feelings?' I mean we talk in a general sense, and even did this morning, and she told me how much she needs me and loves me and all that jazz. So 'overall' I feel ok with where we are at....at the moment....but not sure I can bring up that it hurt my feelings without blowing up my spot. I know I should respect her privacy and she is entitled her to own thoughts and communications with friends..I just think that is a bit over the line and hurtful


----------



## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I really sounds harmless to me, so I don't recommend you up the ante by voicing your attraction to other women. After all, she didn't do that to you.

I personally don't joke like that, but it wouldn't set off any warning sirens if one of my married friends texted sucha thing. 

I also advise you to speak to her, but if you do, you will lose access to her phone for your dishonest snooping. She will likely be highly offended that you have been snooping and might even suspect YOU of having something to hide, as we often look for our own flaws in other people.

This seems like its not a huge deal to me, but if you can't let it go just ask her about it. If you have good communication in your marriage it co9uld work out fine. Keep in mind the consequences of outing you snooping, though.


----------



## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Mr Pink said:


> How do I do this without basically saying 'I know you sent a text to your friend and it hurt my feelings?' I mean we talk in a general sense, and even did this morning, and she told me how much she needs me and loves me and all that jazz. So *'overall' I feel ok with where we are at*....at the moment....but not sure I can bring up that it hurt my feelings without blowing up my spot. *I know I should respect her privacy and she is entitled her to own thoughts and communications with friends*..I just think that is a bit over the line and hurtful


You just answered your own question. Maybe your suffering in silence is just punishment for invading her privacy?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'd sit on this for now.

However, since your gut does seem to be telling you something or just generally nagging you, if it keeps up you may want to do some more checking.

Get the last few months of your cell phone bill and look it over. Does she have a lot of texts.calls to a number you don't know? Is she doing anything different (new clothes, hair style, always on phone, phone now pw protected when before it wasn't)?


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I'd sit on this for now.
> 
> However, since your gut does seem to be telling you something or just generally nagging you, if it keeps up you may want to do some more checking.
> 
> Get the last few months of your cell phone bill and look it over. Does she have a lot of texts.calls to a number you don't know? Is she doing anything different (new clothes, hair style, always on phone, phone now pw protected when before it wasn't)?


Its weird, all of the warning signs are there but I just havent found anything yet. We started having problems in June and have been rocky ever since. That is when she put a pw on her phone and changed her email passwords but she doesnt know that I found out her phone pw and have been checking both her email and phone ever since. So far I havent seen any evidence of cheating or even evidence that she is talking to other men, mainly its just complaining to other women about me. So I assume that she just never wants me to see that stuff, but I guess you never really know. Like I said we are moving from DC to Austin, that combined with my lack of evidence that I have found of an affair, I dont think she is cheating. Though she could just be super sneaky and deleting things, just dont think she is because she doesnt know that I have her pws. I will go over my cell bills just to make sure though.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mr Pink,

I snoop all my wife's texts and emails. Being able to check her electronic communications is one of greatest advantages you can have over the forces that work against your marriage. But remember, you are gathering information and you want to keep gathering it. Be very careful not to take any action that might jeopardize your source. I repeat, do not do anything that will jeopardize your source. Don't say anything, don't do anything and above all, don't play games. Opportunities to act will present themselves at strategic times and you will find yourself able to act with complete autonomy. You are at an advantage here so don't give it away

One thing I have found, for example, it that previously puzzling outbursts of disrespect from my wife could be correlated to communications with certain people. Observing this helped me to observe the same or worse when they meet face to face so you can bet that I won't be available to watch the kids when my wife wants to go out with this girlfriend.


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Mr Pink,
> 
> I snoop all my wife's texts and emails. Being able to check her electronic communications is one of greatest advantages you can have over the forces that work against your marriage. But remember, you are gathering information and you want to keep gathering it. Be very careful not to take any action that might jeopardize your source. I repeat, do not do anything that will jeopardize your source. Don't say anything, don't do anything and above all, don't play games. Opportunities to act will present themselves at strategic times and you will find yourself able to act with complete autonomy. You are at an advantage here so don't give it away


Right, this is my exact thought. If I tell her what I know or get mad at her, I can only use that card once and then its over because then she will know, so I figure I should save it for something big. The problem that I am facing, which I have now come to realize, is that I am searching for insight into her mind and actions and her texts with her friends really dont provide that. I think of convos I have with my friends that i think are harmless, but in no way reflect what I think and she would prob be horrified if she read them. So i am having trouble separating out the fact that her texts are just meaningless banter between girl friends, and I probably dont know the context of their previous convos or in person convos, etc. However if I found evidence of an affair that is one thing...but I guess I shouldnt sweat meaningless girltalk over text message...


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I say quit trying to play games. Let her know that you found the email and it upsets you. I would never try hitting on another man, let alone while my husband was present. And while I have said that a man is handsom, I have never said my husband was ruining my game. She needs to get a clue and grow up.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

The thing with doing tit for tat commenting on other girls is that there's no point. It's not going to stop your wife doing it. If anything, she'll feel more justified in commenting on other men. It might hurt her feelings, I suppose, but that's about all it'll do. 

I could imagine a comment like that being jokey banter that means very little. "The old ball and chain' type joke. But only okay if you are in a really solid, happy relationship, and that that kind of teasing and banter is an accepted form of affection. 

Ai don't think there's much you can do, short of confronting her, and that will just drive the behaviour deeper underground. Sorry you're in this situation, my feelings would have been hurt if I'd read a text like that, but I would have immediately told my husband to knock it off and our phones aren't passworded anyway.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> Its weird, all of the warning signs are there but I just havent found anything yet. We started having problems in June and have been rocky ever since. That is when she put a pw on her phone and changed her email password.



I would have a problem with this anyway.

Maybe our marriage is strange or wierd but we do not have passwords on our phones, why would we?

I sometimes use my wifes phone and sometimes she uses mine (although rarely as she does not like my phone, Nokia Lumia 900 and uses it only if she has to)

We both know passwords to our laptops, facebook etc. I just do not understand the need for secrecy in a marriage.

I know her email password and she knows mine. We have our own email accounts on our laptops but can switch accounts on our shared desktop pc.

And I've got to say that if my wife suddenly pwed her phone etc. I would ask her why she felt she needed to do that.

Plus texting from a passworded phone, about you cramping her style, ON YOUR BIRTHDAY which should be about you is alarming. Especially as it is kept secret.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Birds of a feather flock together. If her peers don't see cheating is wrong, the view will spread to her. It's toxic. Secrecy is a red flag.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

OK at face value that one text you read could mean a lot of things. But there are a few problems I have with your posts:

1. You think your wife baths in holy water. Every guy thinks their wife would never cheat. Until they end up on the CWI forum. My wife and I waited till marriage to have sex, she sang in the church choir and worked at the church nursery... EVERYONE can cheat, it's a matter of not putting yourself in situations where it COULD happen, ie boundaries. Your wife is hanging out with single ****s and unhappy cheating wives, it's a matter of when not if.

2. You're in a rocky part of your marriage. That should have been part of your original post. This is in itself is bad news, because women are way more likely to cheat when things aren't going well. Or even, things may be rocky BECAUSE she's already into something.

3. You say all the warning signs are there. That's why they're called warning signs..... I remember reading the warning signs on my wife, her fitting almost every single one, but saying "Noooo, she's got the signs but she's not cheating..." and then I found out she was cheating and went, "Why was I in denial?"

4. You have no transparency. You should always have ALL the passwords to all of her FB, phones, emails, texts, records, etc. It's called transparency, openness, honesty. If she's unwilling to do this, what is she hiding? This is a key to a successful marriage. No secrets.

That being said, you're already in danger mode. I'd be snooping like crazy. Keyloggers and VARs if necessary. I'd have a conversation about boundaries. I'm not the best to give advice on how to go about this, but I'd be worried about who she's hanging out with and what they're doing, it's not marriage strengthening activities that's for sure. Just don't wuss out and sit in silence, that is the worst thing you can do.

Establish some boundaries and be ready to enforce the consequences. As someone on the board said, can't remember who, "You have to be ready to leave your marriage if you want to save it."


----------



## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> Yes I totally agree. We are moving from DC back to Austin next week so i think that will help, because all of our friends there are married and it will be a better influence on her. Here in DC all her friends are single or hate their husbands and cheat on them all the time so that is all she is exposed to when she speaks with them. Im hoping she stops talking to this girl once we move but I doubt it.
> 
> That is why i said I can only play that card once, because once I call her out she will know that *Ive been checking her messages and she will change her pw and I cant check them anymore*...but if I found evidence of actual cheating about cheating about to happen, bet your ass I will say something. For now I dont care if she thinks another guy is hot, we are human after all. Just didnt like that she was texting her gf that, when she is supposed to be hanging out with me, on my birthday of all days


Perhaps she should have any of your passwords as well, why would she need to keep you from seeing anything on her phone or in your marriage. To me passwords point to someone hiding something and each partner should have free access to everything.


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

I agree with all of this, and I probably am in denial. She doesnt know that I can check her email and pws so I want to keep it that way. She also doesnt know that I can see who she calls/texts on the phone bill and so far I havent seen any random numbers. 

I think she was saying that to her friend to fit in, because that is how her and her friend talk. Still, broke my heart to read it.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> I agree with all of this, and I probably am in denial. She doesnt know that I can check her email and pws so I want to keep it that way. She also doesnt know that I can see who she calls/texts on the phone bill and so far I havent seen any random numbers.
> 
> I think she was saying that to her friend to fit in, because that is how her and her friend talk. Still, broke my heart to read it.


Well at the rate you're going you're just waiting for the evidence, you'll never have a solid marriage like that.

And that's an alright place to be, when you're marriage is at the final stage.

If you still think there's a chance at saving it though, you're much better off establishing boundaries and having these difficult conversations about transparency. When you get to the point where you're just snooping and not talking about it, it's just a matter of time before you find what you're looking for.

Let me make it clear that I am not saying to just start blindly trusting your wife, but you are making up for weak boundaries by trying to "catch" your wife doing things you don't like. That's not healthy for either of you. Instead you need to establish what is and isn't ok within the boundaries of your marriage. That may mean no more girls nights out to bars. It may mean no more flirting with opposite sex (for both of you). It should definitely include 100% transparency on all communications.

Some of that may piss her off. And that's where it will be difficult for you, because you'll want to appease and "settle" for something that doesn't sit well with you. Understand that if something bothers you, both of you need to work on it or the marriage won't last. And the same goes for you as well, it's a two way street, so listen to her concerns and make sure you aren't just giving out marching orders.


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

COguy said:


> Well at the rate you're going you're just waiting for the evidence, you'll never have a solid marriage like that.
> 
> And that's an alright place to be, when you're marriage is at the final stage.
> 
> ...


Spot on man. I am basically giving her a nice and happy facade while checking her phone and email every day in the hopes I catch her in something. INstead I dont find any evidence of actual cheating, i just find text messages to friends that hurt my feelings, however I have to pretend like I dont know. In the end, Im the one suffering in silence and I have to pretend like I dont know about all the texts. 

You are right I do need to establish boundaries but Im waiting for the balance in our relationship (or lack there of) to shift. For the last 6 months, she has been telling me things that I am doing wrong, I correct them and she is never happy. I basically need to even the playing field and also start to not care how this is going, and if we get back together then I can ask for open comms again. 

How did you catch your wife cheating and how did that argument eventually go? Im hoping it doesnt get to that point...I assume you are divorced now?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> Spot on man. I am basically giving her a nice and happy facade while checking her phone and email every day in the hopes I catch her in something. INstead I dont find any evidence of actual cheating, i just find text messages to friends that hurt my feelings, however I have to pretend like I dont know. In the end, Im the one suffering in silence and I have to pretend like I dont know about all the texts.
> 
> You are right I do need to establish boundaries but Im waiting for the balance in our relationship (or lack there of) to shift. For the last 6 months, she has been telling me things that I am doing wrong, I correct them and she is never happy. I basically need to even the playing field and also start to not care how this is going, and if we get back together then I can ask for open comms again.
> 
> How did you catch your wife cheating and how did that argument eventually go? Im hoping it doesnt get to that point...I assume you are divorced now?


The balance won't ever shift without you growing a sack. Sorry to put it bluntly but it's something that's pretty standard for the TAM cheated on crowd. You're Captain Nice Guy No-Balls right now.

Your marriage is rocky, your wife does things that aren't appropriate. Instead of stepping up and telling her it's not cool, you sulk in your creeper dungeon and spy on her. She tells you you need to work on stuff, you run out and do it like a good little boy and hope things get better. Meanwhile she's out flirting with bartenders with her single and cheating friends wishing you would stop c*ckblocking her.

The usual progression for this kind of behavior is:

1. suspect cheating
2. snoop like crazy
3. read "no more mr. nice guy" or something similar
4. Start working on "manning up"
5. find cheating
6. Realize you've been a chump
7. Get your crap together slowly but surely
8. Start acting like a healthy individual

Sometimes you can get lucky and wise up before the cheating happens, but it's far less common. By the point that you're on TAM posting about your marriage and suspecting your wife most of the time the woman is already cheating (either an EA or PA), wouldn't be surprised in the least to hear it about your wife. In fact, it's the more likely scenario.

The problem in being a "nice guy" is that you're loathe to set boundaries, and you don't want to hurt anyone and you really care about your wife. That means you'll tolerate a whole bunch of sh*t before you sack up and walk out. Women pick up on this, and will make you pay dearly for it. They will generally get away with as much as you let them. So where the thinking of the "nice guy" is, "I'll do whatever I can to make this work, I'll do whatever she says or needs." The result is actually the opposite of the intent. The woman sees this as needy, desperate, that you are of low worth. Other men start looking more attractive, if you accept to be treated like garbage you must be garbage right?

The appropriate response is, "Let's work on this 100%, I'll own up to my sh*t if you own up to yours. If you don't want to give this 100% then let's end it now." And then have the d papers ready for her if she isn't on board in 24 hours. That type of response shows your wife that you're not a little b*tch to be trifled with, that you command respect and you will get it.

The problem is that you actually have to be willing to follow through, and most of the time, in the state of mind you currently have, it is very far from where you are. It's easy for me to tell you to be willing to walk away from your marriage, because I'm not there, I have no vested interest in your wife or family.

I can only tell you that if you don't get there, your marriage is on the road to the end. Your wife will continue to disrespect you, you will continue silently resenting her. Your intimacy will plunge and eventually you'll find what you're looking for.

I strongly suggest reading No More Mr. Nice Guy or the Married Man's Sex Primer. It will give you some ideas on how to start.

The best advice you'll get right out of the gate is start working out, hit the gym, make some time for your man friends, and start taking some time for yourself to do things that YOU enjoy, preferably that are manly and build confidence.


----------



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

This is great advice and you are right. I thought by doing the things you claimed were making our marriage rocky that she would magically spruce up and things would be ok, but its just gotten worse and she has gotten more and more distant. I would love to say that my situation is different than anyone elses but i think that is the trap right. We have been best friends for 10 years, soulmates and her family is my family, so I have this inkling to treat her with Beta boy respect and honor her, but as you said and many others have said, being a Beta and treating her with honor is what is allowing her to trample all over me. We are moving cross country this weekend, once we get to Austin I will start to try and man up. The problem is I HATE ARGUING AND FIGHTING WITH HER. Its the worst, like zaps all my energy and I have a high stress job and it makes me unable to work.....but youre right, is the better life alternative to pretend and smile in her face while i am silently resenting her for all the texts/emails she doenst know that I know about? God damn it I hate women!


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

My story is spread over a few different threads. Not too different from yours.

Wife started acting suspicious, I started snooping. I was too much of a vagine to actually do anything about it, other than express my displeasure at her activities and company. I finally told her flat out, "Delete another text message and we're through." She started selectively deleting messages from this guy which I found by comparing phone records.

I left. Later that day I found messages from another guy where they were sexting. I knew after seeing that, that she had been lying about everything and was probably cheating. Told her if she lied about anything we were through, she confessed to having a ONS.

We worked on R at the time because I thought she was being remorseful. I learned a lot about myself during those months, and staying on TAM helped me get the right kind of mindset. A few months later when she started acting afool again I left, turns out she was lying the whole time to me and ended up turning into a raging sl*t.

I tell you that for no other reason than I know what it's like to be in denial about your wife cheating. I know what it's like to go through the hell of being a doormat. I know the reluctance of knowing that standing up for yourself is the right thing to do but not having the courage or desire to do it. I know what it's like to find out all those people that told you she was probably cheating were right.

And I know what it's like to "get it", and start the long slow process of being a strong, healthy, man.

Whatever happens, you'll look back at this time in your life and it will be a defining moment. If you're lucky, it's because you used it as an opportunity to sack up and be a strong confident man that your wife respected. But even if your life goes to hell real fast, it will be the beginning of a journey that's worth it.

I don't regret anything that happened, it's made me who I am today. You appreciate the warm cooked meal on the dinner table when you grew up eating from the garbage can. That's how I look at my marriage, it was the garbage can that will allow me to appreciate a loving woman one day.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Mr Pink said:


> We are moving cross country this weekend, once we get to Austin I will start to try and man up. The problem is I HATE ARGUING AND FIGHTING WITH HER.


You need to get over that real fast. Make a pact with yourself that when something comes up that will make you awkward or uncomfortable that you HAVE to confront it.

Consider that every time you don't speak up because it's uncomfortable, a piece of your balls falls off.

It won't get any easier in Austin trust me. It won't ever get any easier. In fact the longer you wait the harder it will get.


----------



## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

COguy said:


> The usual progression for this kind of behavior is:
> 
> 1. suspect cheating
> 2. snoop like crazy
> ...


I wonder how many times this progression happened to folks here on TAM? Poll anyone?

In my case it is spot-on and I was able to intervene at the EA stage.

As people say now is the time to work on yourself.....no more mr. nice guy, MAP, manning up, stand up for yourself! Even if your marriage does not make it you will have benefited from the work above.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I don't think your issue playing games.

Your issue is the fact that your wife HAS a PW on her phone and has gone secrecy mode on you. Assuming she's on the up and up in the marriage, you still have issues that need to be worked through.

Now in regards to addressing this specific issue, you can do it without showing your hand. How about

"Hey honey, you know there was one thing I didn't get for my birthday that I'm hoping maybe can become a normal routine that we give each other on our birthday. Can we give 100% of our sexual energy to the birthday person?" Get her affirmative. "Good, because you flirting up a storm with the hot bartender on my birthday really made the day feel like crap to be blunt. Sorry but that pretty much ruined my day." And walk away. You don't have to let her in on the issue of her texting. You SAW HER. The issue wasn't her texting her friend. The issue here is her actual behavior.


----------

