# Moving on a year after DD.



## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

For those of you who are interested you can search for my story under my profile name of Lmodel. In summary 12 months ago my wife of 18 years confessed to an affair with a so called friend of mine (and the husband of my wife's best friend) it was very messy for all concerned. The fallout has been very damaging for families, friends, kids and marriages. I had my wife on a pedestal from the day we first met and I loved her unconditionally but the heartache she put me through in the 2 years Pre DD and the 12 months since is unforgivable. Here's the odd part, my wife is desperate to make things right in our marriage, and for the most part we have a good relationship however I regard our marriage as being dead and over, it was over the first time she stepped into that motel room with someone else. I can't and won't give my wife any guarantees about our future but I am convinced that our marriage is over. She really struggles with that, she is confident she can win back my trust and pick up our marriage Pre affair. 

We have 2 teens and for now it's important that we are together as a family and honestly after the devastation of the last 12 months I'm not keen on being alone. I also don't want to be viewed as using my wife until I have my confidence back and the kids ae finished school. 

Had anyone ever found themselves in this position?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Lmodel said:


> We have 2 teens and for now it's important that we are together as a family and honestly after the devastation of the last 12 months* I'm not keen on being alone.* I also don't want to be viewed as using my wife until I have my confidence back and the kids ae finished school.


I am assuming your age to be around the early 40's. At your stage of life, the number of women outnumber men. Your wife gave you a free ticket to explore your options. 

From your post, it seems to me your wife returned to you because the OM disappeared and went broke. 

There was a double betrayal involved also. That's a lot of damage she did. 

You have now a ticket to cash in. Dont be afraid to explore.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I am not in your shoes yet, but I suspect eventually my STBXW will look to fix this with me as devastation falls down around her. 

As several friends have said to me. No one can condone you for getting back together with your wife. You just can't make 19 years go away in several months.. You getting back with her are your own reasons. No one can tell you what is right or wrong because they are not in your shoes.

But as a friend I don't ever want to see you like you were months ago ever again. Looking at your cell phone bill, Looking at your home telephone bill, Using Find my Iphone to track your wife, Tracking down unknown phone numbers *(Mind you all of this was at work )*. I just can't see you like that again. As a friend it killed me to see you like that and honestly if this ever happen to you again. I don't honestly think you will survive it. I could just see how much pain you were in and you said it yourself *( which I did and still do, not embarrassed to admit it )* you wouldn't be alive today without us being here to help you. I honestly don't know where I might be 5 years from now. But I would hate to see this happen again to you and I am not there for you.

For me the cold hard reality is I wouldn't survive this again. So as much as I love my wife even though she put me through hell and treated me like something less then dirt or sh1t. It would pain me to say no, but I just couldn't be with her anymore. I need to be alive for my kids.. 

So my point is do what you feel is right for YOU and only YOU. But make sure you can handle the consequences if it ends up turning sour for you again further down the road. 

Again personally I know I can't..


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> No one can condone you for getting back together with your wife.


Did you mean condone, or condemn?

(Sorry, it's not clear - could go either way)


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I also don't want to be viewed as using my wife until I have my confidence back and the kids ae finished school.


but it _does _sound like you're using her. i mean, it's been a year and you're not happy. clearly the affair was a dealbreaker for you and you can't bring yourself to admit it for the sake of your children.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sounds like she carried on the affair not really thinking about the consequences of her actions. She's remorseful but is she remorseful simply because she got caught? How long did the affair go on? Not to say a ONS is forgivable but length of affair does have significant bearing.

Sad truth is who knows? You may in time find the strength to forgive her dependent on her actions. Does she just want to go back to the way things were without acknowledging what she did? Do you sense insincerity in her actions? Or do you feel like you're a plan B?


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Lmodel said:


> For those of you who are interested you can search for my story under my profile name of Lmodel. In summary 12 months ago my wife of 18 years confessed to an affair with a so called friend of mine (and the husband of my wife's best friend) it was very messy for all concerned. The fallout has been very damaging for families, friends, kids and marriages. I had my wife on a pedestal from the day we first met and I loved her unconditionally but the heartache she put me through in the 2 years Pre DD and the 12 months since is unforgivable. Here's the odd part, my wife is desperate to make things right in our marriage, and for the most part we have a good relationship however I regard our marriage as being dead and over, it was over the first time she stepped into that motel room with someone else. I can't and won't give my wife any guarantees about our future but I am convinced that our marriage is over. She really struggles with that, she is confident she can win back my trust and pick up our marriage Pre affair.
> 
> We have 2 teens and for now it's important that we are together as a family and honestly after the devastation of the last 12 months I'm not keen on being alone. I also don't want to be viewed as using my wife until I have my confidence back and the kids ae finished school.
> 
> Had anyone ever found themselves in this position?


I am in a similar position. Discovered husband's affair 6 months ago. Cannot and will not forgive him. I still feel shattered.

Sorry don't know what else to say. Good luck. x


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