# have NEVER been attracted to husband



## Elle2025 (Apr 1, 2011)

I've been married for 5 years, and in that 5 years, have never really been attracted to my husband physically or sexually. When I met him, I was in a bad spot in my life. My father, 48 at the time, had a massive stroke which left permanent brain damage and some paralysis. i'm a daddys girl big time, so when this happened, my world, along with the rest of my family's, was turned upside down. Suddenly, we were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt from medical bills, i was helping with therapies, bills, my younger brother, etc. it was very hard. When I was originally introduced to my husband, i had no attraction to him or desire to date him...but his friends eventually talked me into giving him a chance. He was very kind and shy, and his lifestyle at the time was a total 180 from mine. He had his own house, a steady job, and a very 'free' rock n roll type lifestyle....and looking back....i know that this is what i was attracted to....not HIM. His lifestyle gave me a sense of security i think. So, we got married (i was only 23), and I knew already that I shouldn't have done it....my parents didn't even want me to marry him. Anyways, here is where it gets complicated. I thought, if we had a baby, I'd feel that connection....you know, feel like a family. So, we had our first baby boy when i was 24. It didn't fill that void like I thought it would. Now i feel like i am stuck. My husband is a good guy, good father....but I am not in love with him, i don't even love him. I care about him as the father of my son, and I feel like we get along as friends. I have no romantic feelings about him whatsoever...never did....and i don't think i ever will. I don't know what to do. Should i just stick it out in a loveless relationship for the sake of my son? I just need some advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

This may not be a popular answer, but here it is anyway...

Staying in a loveless relationship for the child is not a solution. Either fix what's wrong (counseling, talking to your husband about the problem, whatever) or get out. You and your husband both deserve a partner that you love, and loves you back. Your current relationship is not likely to "fix itself" by simply going through the motions, and will more likely get worse over time. Likely much worse. So you might as well address it now, rather than when you're 45 years old. 

Just my $0.02...

C


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

PBear said:


> This may not be a popular answer, but here it is anyway...
> 
> Staying in a loveless relationship for the child is not a solution. Either fix what's wrong (counseling, talking to your husband about the problem, whatever) or get out. You and your husband both deserve a partner that you love, and loves you back. Your current relationship is not likely to "fix itself" by simply going through the motions, and will more likely get worse over time. Likely much worse. So you might as well address it now, rather than when you're 45 years old.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have never thought it was a good idea to stay for the kids sake. Kids learn what they see and hear, so to me, if you stay you're teaching them this is how things are and to be unhappy. You should want better for yourself, kids and your partner.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

I think I would rather be cheated on then have this happen..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing I forgot to mention... If you tell him now that you don't love him, and never had, it's bad. And it will be a very uncomfortable conversation.

But if it comes up in 5 or 10 years that you don't love him and never had, it will be that much worse. 

C


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Tool said:


> I think I would rather be cheated on then have this happen..


I agree. This has always been my biggest fear to get years into a marriage only to find out that my husband never really loved me. 

Don't string this man along any longer do the right thing. It's not fair to him. And don't even kid yourself that your feelings will ever change. If you don't love him now you won't in 5, 10, 15 more years either.

Oh and one more thing you aren't "stuck" people get divorced all the time. It's time for you to move on.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

No u can not live the next 50 years in hope of it getting better.

What can he do for you? if its nothing .... you need to go.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I can't think of anything more cruel than telling a spouse you never loved them. I would be deeply ashamed to do such a thing.
You haven't said anything bad about this man.. I wonder if your taking him for granted? If he's been a good man and taken good care of you perhaps you should try looking at him in a new light. Maybe you've gotten so used to him that you just don't appreciate him any more. Would you really be happier without him?


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

*sighs* You need to have an honest talk. Maybe he has never loved you either and feels "stuck". 

It's hard to change but if you need to go, be kind AND be a grown up about it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think you should think long and hard about a way to tell him without hurting any more than possible. In other words, be good enough to ignore any hurtful words he says, and just end it before it gets worse. Already, it's going to leave a bruise or two.

One day, it is very likely that you'll feel the compulsion to connect with someone that you have these feelings for. It's pretty normal to start questioning yourself, wondering if you are somehow flawed, which leads to this. 

I'm not at all suggesting that you will follow through, but once you acknowledge and reach out to others (transitioning the feeling to an action), saying that you are not attracted to him, it rarely changes, expecially if he learns that you are not attracted to him. In a sense, you might even be keeping him from finding someone who does find him attractive.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Looking back on my own mistakes, I would advise complete honesty. This situation never gets better on it's own. Face down your demons now before they grow stronger.

Similar to your situation, I married a girl I felt no sexual attraction for. She wanted me, and I believed it was my destiny to keep this person happy. I felt no self-worth and was compelled to be "the nice guy," further emphasized by my conservative Christian upbringing. Girls I did like were not going to necessarily well received by my family and community anyhow.

Our marriage has been just OK ever since Day 1. It's very lonely at times and genuine passion is almost nonexistent, but we do love each other. I just never felt sexual attraction for her, either physically or emotionally. (I am sexually attracted to certain other women.) This is something that we're sort of working on, but it's been extremely difficult because we've hidden the messy details from each other. Every time I attempted to be honest over the years, she shut me off. Basically, "lie to me" followed by an infinite stream of tears and emotional injury. 

If you're forced to get over something extremely hurtful in order to arrive at a better place, will you ever arrive? I don't know the answer, but so far in my experience, the answer has been no. 


I really do wish you the best of luck,


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

For the sake of your son? If human behavior is any guide you'll eventually hate him too. So.....good luck with that.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

PBear said:


> One thing I forgot to mention... If you tell him now that you don't love him, and never had, it's bad. And it will be a very uncomfortable conversation.
> 
> But if it comes up in 5 or 10 years that you don't love him and never had, it will be that much worse.
> 
> C


:iagree:

I'm not a divorce advocate, and I take marriage so seriously that i believe people can work anything out if they try hard enough; however, if you feel you want out, make sure you have no other alternative and then do it as quickly as possible. My x waited 18 years, which made things super confusing, awkward, and every other weird word one can think of.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Elle2025 said:


> I have no romantic feelings about him whatsoever...never did....and i don't think i ever will. I don't know what to do. Should i just stick it out in a loveless relationship for the sake of my son? I just need some advice.


Bummer ...

Okay, so you have done the incredibly selfish bit. How about you change it up and decide to give instead of take?

Your husband deserves to have someone in his life that loves and values him. By your account that isn't you. Never was you.

Give him the ability to find that. Be brave. Be honest.


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## smartcookie25 (Jul 8, 2010)

I can so relate to this and @ seahorse....its not that easy to walk away when you love someone and you feel like if you did its just a selfish act and that is very hard to deal with when there are kids involved....its just very sad!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

FWIW marriage for romantic love is a fairly modern custom. 200 years tops.


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## J'Accused (May 12, 2012)

Now that i realize smartcookie, is my wife, there's a newsflash shes never been attracted to me, funny though how she accepted 14k of an inheritance I received to get a tummy tuck and breast augmentation guess theres love and then there is LOVE$


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## J'Accused (May 12, 2012)

Oh and when she posted this she was asking me to get a reverse vasectomy to have another child, wow really?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are more important things in life than having your skirt blown up. He's a good guy, a good husband, and a good father. Would you prefer that your child had a lousy father who made your pulse race? Love is a choice. It's not something that falls out of the sky onto you. The world is full of couples who never even knew each other before the wedding. Lots of them have very loving, deeply satisfying lives. You described a great guy. Why not love him?


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## J'Accused (May 12, 2012)

unbelievable, maybe you need to impart that wisdom to Smartcookie25 once u have all the facts


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## J'Accused (May 12, 2012)

I should say that smartcookie is capable of loving bodybuilders and has a grand obsession with them because she was obese as a teenager and they were the type of guys who rejected her all the time, so she married me(sucker) and got me to pay for her plastic surgery and personal trainers. Now thanks to social media she can hook up with all those high school guys that trned her away, pretty clever marrying someone you have no attraction to


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## Gemwas (Apr 26, 2012)

Im going to be brutally honest here. I have a massive problem with people marrying people they KNOW they are unable to keep there vows to. Selfish Selfish Selfish. Leave this man NOW and let him find a wonderful woman who will love him and think he is the most wonderful thing to have ever walked this planet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

J'Accused said:


> I should say that smartcookie is capable of loving bodybuilders and has a grand obsession with them because she was obese as a teenager and they were the type of guys who rejected her all the time, so she married me(sucker) and got me to pay for her plastic surgery and personal trainers. Now thanks to social media she can hook up with all those high school guys that trned her away, pretty clever marrying someone you have no attraction to


You are understandable upset. I think that this site is bad for you... especially reading her posts. 

There are I am sure more productive things you can go with your time and energy.


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