# Jealous Husband after infedilities on both our parts



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I've noticed my husband is becoming increasingly more jealous of everyone I talk too. I started noticing it months and months ago, but this xmas break it was very very apparent. I'm a very very social person and always have been. (he works out of state and we are apart until we can move)While he was visiting me for the week, I was not talking as often to people by text or Fb message, but there were times that I was bored. So I did talk to a couple people while he was building legos for our son, who was in bed asleep already. I told him who I was talking to and the gyst of our conversation. I admit I didn't tell him every single thing I was talking about because he was really making me feel annoyed, plus one time I was on TAM on the sex forum asking about Celias. I knew if he knew what i was doing he would be pissed. I was just so excited that he fianlly had a prescption that I put a message about it and I was researching on my phone about Celias.

One night my Husband just blew about me talking to people while he was visiting. he of course mentioned my mom, which I only talked to once nad she had text me. I didn't even notice the text for over a half hour. He said the night he blew up that he thouht I would have held off talking to people while he was here. He said I was talking to everyone...My mom, Mary, Doreen, Pam and Jeremy.....My husband was visiting for 1 week...most of those people I told him everything about the conversation like I was including him in the conversation. I never talked to any of them for very long either. 

I just hope he doesn't continue to be so jealous. It is my nature to be social, Thats why i'm a moderator of a FB group and many people look up to me in the group. I can never stop being who I am because hes insecure and not trusting me.

Looking back on our marriage before the affairs started, my having a home business was a problem because it took my time away from him. I've had 2 home businesses and both of them he hated. He does want me to have another home business, but I refuse because I know he won't like the time it will take me away from him.

Anyone else have building jealousy from spouse after infedility? Our infedility started in August 2011, that was mine which resulted in him moving out for a while....His infedility happened in Sept 2011....Me and my husband started seeing eachother again in late October....I didn't find out about his affair fully until Dec 12 2011.... I don't know how long his affair went on. I know it for sure was over when he moved back into the family house the last week of dec. 

I just hope he doesn't continue this jealous behavior even after we are able to move as a family to where he is working. I'm totally committed to him and told him many many times, but yet the whole time he was visiting little phrases kept slipping out of his mouth even one on the way to the airport to drop him off. He said "I would probably leave him for a younger man that can keep up with my sex drive"


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Seems like your oblivious to your own ego. 

Its not simple jealousy when theres been infidelity. 

You seem intent on doing nothing to assuage his fears of another affair. 

"I just hope he doesn't continue to be so jealous. It is my nature to be social, Thats why i'm a moderator of a FB group and many people look up to me in the group. I can never stop being who I am because hes insecure and not trusting me."

You need to change your attitude as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is not around most of the time right now. I can understand why he would want your dedicated attention on his one week visit home for the holidays.

How much time each day did you spend socializing with other while he was home on this visit?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If your affair came AFTER his, would you have posted "infidelities on *both* our parts" or would you have posted something more descriptive, like "he cheated and then I cheated"?

Your post comes off that you are a little full of yourself and has a tone to it of "I had an affair but I am not going to change." It does not evoke sympathy. I'm thinking, "why can't she stay off of the phone and computer for one week"?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> *Anyone else have building jealousy from spouse after infedility? *Our infedility started in August 2011, that was mine which resulted in him moving out for a while....His infedility happened in Sept 2011....Me and my husband started seeing eachother again in late October....I didn't find out about his affair fully until Dec 12 2011.... I don't know how long his affair went on. I know it for sure was over when he moved back into the family house the last week of dec.
> 
> I just hope he doesn't continue this jealous behavior even after we are able to move as a family to where he is working. I'm totally committed to him and told him many many times, but yet the whole time he was visiting little phrases kept slipping out of his mouth even one on the way to the airport to drop him off. He said "I would probably leave him for a younger man that can keep up with my sex drive"


I would not refer to it as "jealousy," I would call it "lack of trust." If you look at the reactions to infidelity of other betrayed spouses on these threads, I would say it's completely normal to feel a "lack of trust" after infidelity. Especially when the cheater acts in a way that doesn't help rebuild the trust and has a he "should just get over it" attitude.

The fact that you are on the computer saying out loud to your husband, "now I am messaging my mom" probably does not give him much comfort. For all he knows, you could be texting some other man.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Ï think you come across as being insensitive and a bit arrogant about your husbands feelings. It might not be like this, but that's the feeling I get from reading your description.

As an exercise for yourself; try to describe the whole situation seen from your husbands perspective - how do you see this very social person who cheated on you?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Blue, you have tried minimizing your affair more than once, and not just to him. On here, even, you said "I had an EA", then tried to say "I had a ONS with the man with whom I had an EA". It doesn't work that way. You minimized YOUR affair for a year, giving him hell for getting involved with someone while you were separated. 

Your husband's problem isn't jealousy... it's lack of TRUST, understandably so. You have been trickle truthing him for over a year. You threw him right back to Dday when you admitted to having sex with the EAP once. And you don't see WHY he would still have a problem with it?? Considering YOU still have a problem with HIS infidelity, why should it be any different for HIM with YOURS? 

My husband still, occasionally, asks me "who are you talking to?" or "who are you texting?"... he has that RIGHT to ask that, just as I have the RIGHT to ask him. We both had EAs, NEVER went physical. So why is your husband constantly asking who you are talking to? Because you cheated! It really isn't rocket science, Blue! And yea, as one mentioned above, saying you are talking to one person and actually talking to the AP is one of the oldest tricks. Been there, done that. And that is likely going though his head.

When will he stop acting like this toward his "social butterfly" wife? When he sees PROOF that you are being completely truthful with him. Incidentally, you could easily have sent people messages stating "husband is off work for a week. We need time to reconnect as a couple. I know you all will understand."... I guarantee my husband would have been pissed if I did what you did: talking to everyone else while he was home for a short period of time!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Blueskies, if I remember correctly, was the woman who was puzzled when her husband didn't exactly feel like serenading her at the cusp of midnight next in an Italian crafted canoe with a bottle of Pichon Lalande(600$ wine) after she had an affair. 

Shes a very entitled woman, so this post isn't surprising. 

She also didn't post after making that thread so I'm not expecting any replies.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I've noticed my husband is becoming increasingly more jealous of everyone I talk too. I started noticing it months and months ago, but this xmas break it was very very apparent. I'm a very very social person and always have been. (he works out of state and we are apart until we can move)While he was visiting me for the week, I was not talking as often to people by text or Fb message, but there were times that I was bored. So I did talk to a couple people while he was building legos for our son, who was in bed asleep already. I told him who I was talking to and the gyst of our conversation. I admit I didn't tell him every single thing I was talking about because he was really making me feel annoyed, plus one time I was on TAM on the sex forum asking about Celias. I knew if he knew what i was doing he would be pissed. I was just so excited that he fianlly had a prescption that I put a message about it and I was researching on my phone about Celias.
> 
> One night my Husband just blew about me talking to people while he was visiting. he of course mentioned my mom, which I only talked to once nad she had text me. I didn't even notice the text for over a half hour. He said the night he blew up that he thouht I would have held off talking to people while he was here. He said I was talking to everyone...My mom, Mary, Doreen, Pam and Jeremy.....My husband was visiting for 1 week...most of those people I told him everything about the conversation like I was including him in the conversation. I never talked to any of them for very long either.
> 
> ...


Wow, You need to really look at what you're saying here.

YOU had an affair. Your husband separated from his cheating wife, then had a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.

Secondly there's no "OUR" Your "affairs" are very different. You completely broke trust and the sanctity of your marriage. Your husband left you, then had a fling to see if he was "worth" anything.

YOU need to go see a counselor. YOU have issues. If my wife was all over social media while I was home for the holidays while not seeing her often and her being a KNOWN cheater, yeah, I'd be mad. NOT JEALOUS.

Your husband isn't being jealous. He's MAD because you're being less than fully attentive and frankly, he still hasn't forgiven you fully from your affair. He's just "accepted" it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well, I think if you want your family to remain intact and you really love your husband then I suggest that you "suck it up" and live with his jealousy. Give up your on line activities and stop being so "social". You are a known cheater and by default untrustworthy and likewise, so is he. He needs to be open, transparent and give things up as well. If you are serious about Reconciling then you will have to "stop being who you are because he's insecure and not trusting" you. If not, stop the charades and move on with your lives separately.

This is why I don't believe in Reconciliations after physical affairs.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't see his actions as jealous.

What I see is he wants to be your priority especially when he is home for that short week of visit. 

he also may not fully trust you either based on the history.

if you were on vacation together on a beach you won't want each other spending their time messaging to people - no, you'd expect each other to be focused on the two of you.

He's home on vacation and wants the focus to be you and him. From your view point, you're home and he's visiting. You're doing your normal day-day routine, and it's bugging him.

so not jealous, more frustrated non-trusting.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband is not around most of the time right now. I can understand why he would want your dedicated attention on his one week visit home for the holidays.
> 
> How much time each day did you spend socializing with other while he was home on this visit?


I do understand how he can feel this way. It also was not like I was spending a lot of time messaging or texting. Everyone did know my Husband was home. I had posted about it on my page. Most of the texts were a very short 4-5 texts back and forth and initialized by the other person. My mom was the first person to texta nd it just happenedd to be while my husband and I were at Buffalo Wild Wings, waiting for our food. It was only a few texts back and forth and then it was over. I didn't htink much of it. I told my Husband everything that she was talking about.

I also felt very disconnected from my husband at night while he was here. Not that I really didn't want ot spend time with him. It was that he was doing his own thing, watching his own shows, not including me in watching TV with him. He was wathcing things that I am so bored with. All day long of Star Wars while hes building legos or kinnects for our kids, but our kids were asleep and it was like 12:30am....The kids went to sleep around 9PM and I waited for him for hours until I was so bored. I wanted to connect with him and watch somehting together. He did this behavior for at least 2-3 nights not in a row. Things may have been a bit different if we were in our own house. There was several times that he left me alone for hours, but I didn't complain about it cause he was upstairs talking to his parents. We live with his parents which is very very hard for me. I have learned to cope with the boredom by keeping myself busy which is socializing on mostly my Autism group. 

I did probably spend the most time scializing with a Girl friend on my Autism group who is also going on the autism cruise we are also going on. I was talking to my husband at the same time I was talking to her over FB message (she doesn't have a reliable phone) . I was updating my husband on the cruise. he was playing legos and wathcing Star Wars. My husband loves talking about cruises. I guess I didn't see a problem with it since he knows who Mary is. I also breifly talked to jeremy who text while I was bathing the kids. I told my husband about this and my H knows who Jeremy is...who is also going on the cruise and part of the Autism group. I can see that my H would probably have the most problems with me talking to Jeremy. I do try to be as completly open as I can be.

The one time I did get irrated at my husband was when I wasn't even talking to anyone, but I was on the computer. I was messaging on TAM about Celias..I didn't want to tell my husband because he would be mortified that I was talking about sex with others at all.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Wow, You need to really look at what you're saying here.
> 
> YOU had an affair. Your husband separated from his cheating wife, then had a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
> 
> ...


My husband didn't leave me...I asked him to leave the house....I was having a mid life crisis I think. When we were seeign eachother again and he was spendng a lot of time with me....he was still with her. I asked him about her cause she was harrasing me and he kept saying "shes just a friend" He went on with this for 2 months. Then he asked to move back in then changed his toon real fast..I later found out she said she was pregnant. I didn't find out about the pregnancy scare till febuary when my husband had been back living with us again since last week of December. She had also started texting him again which he didn't tell me right away.

So the point is I asked him to leave, he didn't leave me....Yes he was in a relationship while he was saying he wanted our marriage. Hes not the complete victim. He also had some affair type before well well before I had my affair. He never ever fessed up to an affair with that. I remained distrustful of him for years because of that. There was a woman he only talked to when he was on his way home from work and he called her first before me. He met her at a sportsbar. 

I don't think anything happened beyond him putting her first before me on his way home from work. They talked for a half hour each daya nd when I would call he would ignore me....I found the phone bill and thats how I found out. Then I called her that night and he was pissed that she didn't want to be friends anymore.... I confrunted him at midnight when I woke him up as I took a shower and cried.....He was very very apolagetic.....I don't know if he had a physical affair or not....but its pointless worrying about what he could have done. I do know about the one he had while we were in early stage of reconnecting...

Anyway......I'm not trying to minimize my affair now....just put more to the whole entire leading up to each affair than I have before


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Kasler said:


> Blueskies, if I remember correctly, was the woman who was puzzled when her husband didn't exactly feel like serenading her at the cusp of midnight next in an Italian crafted canoe with a bottle of Pichon Lalande(600$ wine) after she had an affair.
> 
> Shes a very entitled woman, so this post isn't surprising.
> 
> She also didn't post after making that thread so I'm not expecting any replies.


Sorry I didn't post after making this thread because I went to bed and then got up very early and had a long day all day long.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Blue, you have tried minimizing your affair more than once, and not just to him. On here, even, you said "I had an EA", then tried to say "I had a ONS with the man with whom I had an EA". It doesn't work that way. You minimized YOUR affair for a year, giving him hell for getting involved with someone while you were separated.
> 
> Your husband's problem isn't jealousy... it's lack of TRUST, understandably so. You have been trickle truthing him for over a year. You threw him right back to Dday when you admitted to having sex with the EAP once. And you don't see WHY he would still have a problem with it?? Considering YOU still have a problem with HIS infidelity, why should it be any different for HIM with YOURS?
> 
> ...




I agree that hes probably still newly back to Dday after I told him the real truth. It was so hard for me to tell him the truth. Took forever for me to tell him the truth since we were going through so much other things. I had wanted to tell him, but yes part of me just wanted to erase everything that I did. I was so ashamed. 

I wouldn't think that he would be afraid that I was ever talking to the Om...he knows OM got right into another relationship and then married her. He isn't on my facebook friend list and neither is any of his friends, so I don't see a thing. I could show my husband hes married if my husband asked. And no hes not blocked because I don't ever think of him at all. I could easily block him if my husband requested. I do have the person he has requested blocked, which is his affair partner.

I know I do have a hard time knowing and understanding what he feels,,,thats kind of why i post here. It helps me to understand how he might feel.

It is him who has been bringing up many conversations about how he felt before our seperation and before my affair. Before my affair he had distanceed himself emotionally and physically from me because I had put my everything into a home business. He talks about how he felt about that often when we are in the car on a long drive alone. 

We aslo take showers together and talks happen in there too. I rencently while he was visiting said that I really miss how he felt about me before our seperation...I said I wished he still felt the same way about me now as he did then...He scared me and said "well I don't!!" I was like What? " He said "I love you even more now than I did then"


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> I don't see his actions as jealous.
> 
> What I see is he wants to be your priority especially when he is home for that short week of visit.
> 
> ...


I agree that he did want me to make him a priority......

I also agree that he deoes not fully trust me at all......

I'm sure my normal day to day routine was bugging him


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