# Carefree attitude in a relationship



## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

It has been a long time since i been on here. Couldnt decide if i wanted to go back to my husband after we split up. Well we are waiting on a court date. Maybe one day next month. We still get along with each. Not a bad divorce, just wasnt meant for us to be together. 

Here's my problem. I have been in another relationship with a new guy and he has brought up something that my stbx said all the time. You could care less what i think or how i feel. I admit i am like that. What can i do to change that? I dont let a lot of things bother me. Is that where its coming from.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nicole2011 said:


> You could care less what i think or how i feel. I admit i am like that. What can i do to change that? I dont let a lot of things bother me. Is that where its coming from.


There is a difference between being 'carefree' and not caring about what others think or feel.

I've had issues with a lack of empathy but it had to do with childhood abuse. It took therapy to fix it.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Care...get to be invested!


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> There is a difference between being 'carefree' and not caring about what others think or feel.
> 
> I've had issues with a lack of empathy but it had to do with childhood abuse. It took therapy to fix it.




I told him i do care what he thinks and how he feels but i guess the way i act it seems like i dont.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nicole2011 said:


> I told him i do care what he thinks and how he feels but i guess the way i act it seems like i dont.


How do you act? 

In my case I was the same way I did care but I acted like I didn't. I had to learn how to show that I cared and to stop assuming that they just 'knew'. 

They didn't.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

When my (separated) wife and I were talking a while back, she told me she loved having sex with me, loved me deeply, and would do anything for me.

We were in a sexless marriage, she would say ILY about once a month, and wouldn't see a MC with me to try to fix the marriage.

When there is a conflict, actions speak louder than words.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> How do you act?
> 
> In my case I was the same way I did care but I acted like I didn't. I had to LEARN how to show that I cared and to stop assuming that they just 'knew'.
> 
> They didn't.




What did you do to change that?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nicole2011 said:


> What did you do to change that?


First off therapy....lots of it. The wall I had up had a source so I had to fix that before I was free to show people I cared. Before then I was afraid of them.

Secondly I studied. I read books on emotional intelligence, men, relationships, you name it I read it. I bet I've read 300 self help books. I also studied here to see what men really wanted from their wives.

I then practiced what I'd learned and asked for feedback for my behavior. I was willing to have people tell me the things I did that made me appear uncaring. Then I took steps to fix it.

This wasn't easy as it goes against my basic nature. I'm more the scientist than a people person but like any skill it can be learned.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> First off therapy....lots of it. The wall I had up had a source so I had to fix that before I was free to show people I cared. Before then I was afraid of them.
> 
> Secondly I studied. I read books on emotional intelligence, men, relationships, you name it I read it. I bet I've read 300 self help books. I also studied here to see what men really wanted from their wives.
> 
> ...




Looks like i need to buy some books and start reading.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> First off therapy....lots of it. The wall I had up had a source so I had to fix that before I was free to show people I cared. Before then I was afraid of them.
> 
> Secondly I studied. I read books on emotional intelligence, men, relationships, you name it I read it. I bet I've read 300 self help books. I also studied here to see what men really wanted from their wives.
> 
> ...



I sent u a pm.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's tough to develop empathy if it doesn't come naturally to you. Childhood issues can be a big part of the problem, making it hard to trust and giving us a need to be "on guard" at a deep level. (Sometimes it's so deep we don't recognize it.)

I've learned to develop empathy more, though I'm never going to be a touchy-feely type. What changed for me had nothing to do with therapy, though. My attitude changed pretty drastically when I lost someone I cared deeply for and I was unable to deny the reason.


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