# Was I wrong?



## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

He sends me a text while I'm at work....that he is having a bad day and When I get home we need to talk...so...I automatically assume Ive done something wrong....and dwell on thoughts of it for hours, becoming more frustrated as time passes...and couldn't think of anything ive done to upset him....

I get home and I am straight to the point...."What do you need to talk to me about?" 

He said he had a hunch and spied onto my facebook messages and read my messages to a long standing male friend of mine...and yes the friend and I had a very brief moment of intimacy 5 years prior to my soon to be husband....

My job is a Graphic Designer and I make vehicle decals and signs....and the friend was wanting some vinyl applied to his vehicle...and I told him I could do it for him..and the soon to be was with me when the friend and I discussed this and he did say that he wanted to be with me when I did the work for him...way back in April 2012...

Time went by and it was now October...the message that upset him was this....
"hello... i can do that vinyl for you either sunday mon or tues....He will be working out of town and would be best if i did it then."

So He is pretty much saying That I am going behind his back....and got really mad at me....I got really mad too...saying that he shouldnt have been sping on my and that if he trusted him he wouldnt feel the need too....I am a faithful person...and he read all the messages between my friend and I and I asked if he ever notice if I was flirting at all in any of the messages....NO...
So was I wrong to try and make a few extra buck while he was out of town...And yes I never told him about it....Why I never told him about it.... is because I never even got it done...I never did the job... I never went to my friends house to make that extra money.....but yet he's mad that I tried to go behind his back.....Plus those messages happened over 5 months ago and it was just a business deal....

I don't feel one bit wrong and when we argued about it...all he was saying is that I was trying to justify my action...and i say what actions....Trying to make some money....
He says Im the one that doesn't respect or care about his feeling and I say I'm sorry you feel that way....

I really feel like he has a lot of trust, insecurity, and jealously issues..He says hes worried and scared to lose but threaten to leave me himself...And tell me that couple should share absolutely everything with each other....But I don't feel the same about that...We are both our own person and both have separate lives even though we are together...
What do you think? Was I wrong? Am I the inconsiderate one?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think you should have a long conversation about boundaries

personally I believe-

any emails, social network accounts, etc should be open for the other spouse to see. In reality a good marriage has no need for privacy.

ex-gf's and bf's should stay in the past, if you're going to have a business transaction with one then keeping your spouse in the know helps prevent such situations.

now your husband may indeed bit a bit jealous but this could possibly could have been prevented with good boundaries and openness about what the other does


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sorry, but I am on your husband's side on this. 

You made the other man more important when you said it would be better to do the vinyl when he was away. You were deceptive instead of transparent with your husband. You *should* have included him in your planning or declined the job altogether. While you're not responsible for his feelings of insecurity, it's your DUTY to be open with him so he can best cope with those feelings. As it is, you've given him MORE reason to feel insecure. Finally, you advertised to the other man that you'll connect with him when your husband's not in the picture. Even if your intentions weren't bad, the message it sent was.

Bottom line - the "few extra bucks" you made damaged your marriage, caused emotional harm to your husband, and hurt your own credibility.


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## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

Also at the start of our relationship...He pretty much said I was no longer allowed to go to bars, unless he was with me.....So no more girls night out for me....and he got really mad one time and was mad before i even got home....and said were you at the bar...I said yes but i didnt drink anything and i was there for maybe 10 mins talking to a girlfriend of mine to see if she wanting to come over and hang out....He was in a frenzy about that one....Again I didnt feel like I was wrong to stop and talk to my friend, but I was disrespecting his wishes for me to not step foot in a bar unless it was with him.....what else...


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

1. You had a "moment of intimacy" with the "friend".
2. Soon-to-be said he wanted to be present when you did the work.
3. You never mentioned it to your soon-to-be, a lie by omission.
4. There shouldn't be privacy in a relationship, privacy=secrecy. He should have access to your emails, Facebook etc and vise versa.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

It sounds like soon-to-be has some reasons to be insecure and jealous. Your behavior is questionable.

The two of you have very different relationship expectations, hope you're not getting married any time soon.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Yeah, he's right about the GNO's too. He has strong boundaries, and you don't. 
He is trying to protect the relationship and you think he is controlling.

I think the two of you should seek couples counseling before you get married. You have some big issues to work out before committing to marriage.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jmcast said:


> Also at the start of our relationship...He pretty much said I was no longer allowed to go to bars, unless he was with me.....So no more girls night out for me....and he got really mad one time and was mad before i even got home....and said were you at the bar...I said yes but i didnt drink anything and i was there for maybe 10 mins talking to a girlfriend of mine to see if she wanting to come over and hang out....He was in a frenzy about that one....Again I didnt feel like I was wrong to stop and talk to my friend, but I was disrespecting his wishes for me to not step foot in a bar unless it was with him.....what else...


^ This doesn't have a thing to do with your current problem.

Still, put yourself in his shoes. His girl insists on going to a bar without him. Now she hides that she's meeting up with an old flame. Sorry, but you're guy's not insecure. He's smart.

I imagine you'd be ticked off if he did this to you.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm with your husband on this one too...

He feels hurt that you chose I time when he was away to have contact with a man you had an intimate connection with AND you never let your informed your husband of this decision.....that feels yucky.

Then when he brings this revelation to you, your response is deflection and being upset with him "spying" on you? So instead of being heard for epxressing his hurt...he's being blamed for wanting honesty and openness from his wife!!

Him telling you he doesn't want you to do any more GNO (bar scenes) is completely appropriate as well.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What was the reasoning to wanting to do the job while your BF was out of town?


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## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

Since then I have not step into a bar without him.....and I NEVER made that business transaction...So I didnt think he needed to know since I never did do that job...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Another one siding with your husband. I agree with what everyone else here has already said.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jmcast said:


> Since then I have not step into a bar without him.....and I NEVER made that business transaction...So I didnt think he needed to know since I never did do that job...


Glad you didn't do it. I think you would benefit from facing the music on this one and NEVER repeating another mistake like this. Always tell him about ANYTHING that could trigger insecurity in him the very moment it becomes a possibility. I promise you it's the only way your relationship will reach peace, and it might take time to get there.

Truly not worth it!


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

So you would've only told your husband AFTER you followed through on the business transaction?

I don't think that would've gone down any better than where you are now...


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

jmcast said:


> ...the message that upset him was this....
> "hello... i can do that vinyl for you either sunday mon or tues....He will be working out of town and would be best if i did it then.


You were *deliberately* planning to meet to do the "job" in secret when soon-to-be husband was out of town. And you refuse to understand why he is upset?


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

I have to agree with the majority here. It was deceptive by omission by not telling BF about the "potential" for a job with someone from your past and makes you look really shady to plan it when BF was not around.

I had a similar situation with an ex of mine but I didn't intend to do a job w/ him. I had a project to do, called local companies from my ex's field of work (specifically avoided calling company that ex had worked for) and low & behold, he had relocated. I told SO immediately and kept him informed every step of the way and it never became an issue. 

As for the "cannot go to bars thing" well, you need to come to an agreement on that one now. My SO has no problem with HIM going out for a beer, but if I do, well, not acceptable in his eyes. Double standard and is still an issue.

Good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

jmcast said:


> Since then I have not step into a bar without him.....and I NEVER made that business transaction...So I didnt think he needed to know since I never did do that job...


You're Missing the point

The issue here is that you PLANNED to!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Another one siding with your husband. I agree with what everyone else here has already said.


You see he is wondering what else you are doing behind his back. If you would have just told him there wouldn't have been a problem jmo.


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## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset

So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....

From Aunt Ava- 3. You never mentioned it to your soon-to-be, a lie by omission. 

bailingout - deceptive by omission...

So will I be wrong if I dont tell him I told everyone our problem for advice.....

Should couple tell each other absolute everything....
Cuz I fear he will be mad for telling you all our business...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset
> 
> So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....
> 
> ...


This seems like you are being deliberately obtuse because you do not like what you are hearing.

I do believe you in that I don't think there was any intent on your part to deceive for bad purposes, but in a case such as this, your intent really doesn't matter. 

What matters is how this appears to your husband, and what I think many of the replies are saying is simply, you need to think a bit more beyond yourself when you say and do things and think of the bigger picture.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

the first sentence in your most recent post is your concern to protect yourself above your marriage.

Your husband was expressing how hurt he was that you aren't being open with him.

It seems like you're so busy trying to prove yourself right that you're not even considering what your husband was trying to tell you...essentially you're pushing your husband's feelings aside...

Marriages can have privacy, but they most likely fail in the presence of secrecy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset
> 
> So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....
> 
> ...


You are on a slippery slope here. It's like asking, "How much honesty is enough?" You can get into an ENDLESS set of scenarios:

Am I lying if I say I ate peas at dinner last night? 
"Yes, because you didn't provide enough information. You should have said you had 57 peas with butter and salt situated next to a chicken drumstick on a round plate that was situated on the dinner table at 1234 Main St." Obviously, that would be absurd.

How much honesty you need is the amount that makes your partner feel safe. 

Obviously, dishonesty doesn't make him feel safe.

Would he feel betrayed by you seeking advice on an anonymous forum if he later discovered it? If that answer is yes, then you should talk to him about posting here. If he wouldn't care, then you can choose whether or not to say something without crossing any inappropriate boundaries.

Edited to add: Why are you afraid of him getting mad? What can happen? You both have to negotiate your relationship's boundaries. Sometimes you will find out that a boundary has to be negotiated only because it was accidentally crossed. Mature people recognize this and find forgiveness once the problem's worked out and the boundary doesn't get crossed again.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset
> 
> So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....
> 
> ...


No you should try to discern which lies/omissions you should use in your marriage.

After all, what could go wrong by establishing the behavior pattern of lieing to your husband to protect yourself from him not liking your behavior.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

I like your candor Dad&Hubby!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset
> 
> So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....
> 
> ...


WOW! It's really important for you to be right on this issue isn't it?

Look, you know how your man feels about your ex and you went behind his back anyway. Please don't spend time here trying to split hairs. 

YOU WERE WRONG!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its one thing to not tell him you went to walmart today or posted on this forum. 

It's a completely DIFFERENT thing to omit you were in contact with another man and were making plans to meet him while your bf was gone.

You absolutely need to discern which lies/omissions you should use in your relationship.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

jmcast said:


> I say I'm sorry you feel that way....


Translation: "I'm sorry you are so pitiful."

Yes, you were in the wrong, and blaming him like you have above makes it worse. We saw all kinds of energy dedicated to rationalizing and none to consideration of your husband's feelings.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset
> 
> So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....
> 
> ...



Why would he be mad that you sought advise on an anonymous online forum and EVERYONE agreed with HIM?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

just another thats is siding with your husband the i didnt tell him so he wouldnt get mad is a WEAK excuse at best, sorry.

so if he was making plans to go behind your back and keeping it from you you would be ok with it? i can see you ex fling when she is out of town? yeah no you would be pissed.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I'm on the same side as everyone else here.


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

jmcast said:


> the soon to be was with me when the friend and I discussed this and he did say that he wanted to be with me when I did the work for him...
> [fast forward several months]
> "hello... i can do that vinyl for you either sunday mon or tues....He will be working out of town and would be best if i did it then."


It's a little hard to follow all the pronoun shifting going on in your original post, but it sounds like
- Your SO specifically asked to be present when you did the work, and
- You then specifically picked a date when he would be out of town

Are you seriously asking if there is a problem with that? 

*YES! THERE IS A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH THAT*

There are red flags all over the place with that. NOBODY would be OK with their significant other behaving in that way.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset


Blaming the victim while pretending to be the victim at the same time. 



> So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....
> 
> 
> Should couple tell each other absolute everything....
> Cuz I fear he will be mad for telling you all our business...


This is an anonymous forum, so it is a misrepresentation to say that you are telling everyone your problems. 

I think what you are trying to do is be manipulative in getting people to agree that coming on this forum was a correct action but since you did it behind his back then we're hypocrites.

Being manipulative like this can get you through the moment, sort of. But in the long run what happens is your husband leaves you for a woman who doesn't behave like this.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

if my wife pulled what you pulled(she wouldnt she RESPECTS me too much) i would give her the gift of walking papers and not look back. planning on meeting a x lover behind you current lovers back for any reason is WRONG!!


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset
> 
> *** YOU are responsible for what YOU do, being secretive is not part of an open/honest relationship. HE is responsible for how HE reacts, if you know he will react that way...you need to either be upfront with him to reassure him there is nothing else going on or don't do the job.
> 
> ...


Finally, it seems to me you both have some issues with trust, privacy and boundries (and possibly a pile of other issues) and I would highly suggest you work them out before you get married. I can assure you that going into a marriage with these types of deep rooted issues are a recipe for disaster.

Good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Being manipulative like this can get you through the moment, sort of. But in the long run what happens is your husband leaves you for a woman who doesn't behave like this.


This is really what it boils down to. OP, you're entitled to whatever values you want to have. If you think it's acceptable to omit stuff in order to avoid a scene, you have the ability and the right to choose that action. 

But I hope you'll learn to see that when it comes to making good choices, you need to put your marriage ahead of your own comfort if you want it to last. If you don't act in a way that protects your marriage but does protect you, at some point your husband will decide to protect himself instead of the marriage, too. That typically means a divorce.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> But I hope you'll learn to see that when it comes to making good choices, you need to put your marriage ahead of your own comfort if you want it to last. If you don't act in a way that protects your marriage but does protect you, at some point your husband will decide to protect himself instead of the marriage, too. That typically means a divorce.


:iagree:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is on the right side in this disagreement. Whatever prevented you from following through, the intent was there. 

This forum is filled with stories where the person says they didn't really do anything and they don't understand what the fuss is about. 

The fuss is about the intent.


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## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

Maybe this might be relivant to her current thread?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jm, how many times a week does he get mad at you?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

turnera said:


> jm, how many times a week does he get mad at you?


Umm, turnera, this post is from Feb of this year. Zombie thread lol.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

jmcast said:


> the reason for my secreracy/privacy is a way to protect myself from him getting mad/upset
> 
> So one more question to all of you.........So if I dont tell him that I wrote on this forum to get advice and told everyone our problems...is that in what you all are saying.....
> 
> ...


If you are communicating with someone you have been intimate with in your past (whether 10 days or 10 years), then HE!! YES you need to be open with your significant other. Exes have no place in your current relationship. If you absolutely "must" do work for them, be up front and open with your spouse/boyfriend. Sorry, but I'm siding with him on this. I would also question your boundaries.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Would he feel betrayed by you seeking advice on an anonymous forum if he later discovered it? If that answer is yes, then you should talk to him about posting here. If he wouldn't care, then you can choose whether or not to say something without crossing any inappropriate boundaries.


I agree with everything else, but not this. Seeking anonymous help for your relationship is similar to going to therapy.  It is usually done with honest intent to help your relationship but your SO may not see it that way. If they would be offended or hurt by the posting/therapy then it should be done without their knowledge.

This double standard bothers me too, I posted a thread a while ago which I deleted, but I felt very guilty for exposing our relationship issues to the "internet".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

oops, sorry


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## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

I know I was wrong and no such occasion has happened again, due to the fact that I no longer have any more males friends and I dont speak to any man, unless its at work, with work related issues or he is presently with me, like one of his friends comes over to visit....haven't had much issues anymore concerning this area....I gave up them to be with him...I feel like he is worth it.


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## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

turnera said:


> jm, how many times a week does he get mad at you?


He rarely gets mad...and I make sure to not make him mad, I don't like to argue at all....I tell him about everything, but doing so makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells at times....

Things have gotten better since Feb....And Hopefully they will continue to get better....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book Why Does He Do That? and read it. I'll bet you find him in it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JMCast, yes you were wrong. What is more important here is to see why you were wrong. You were not wrong to want to make a few extra bucks and you were not wrong to try and avoid conflict and heartache. However you were wrong to attempt to organise this job while he was away AGAINST HIS EXPRESS WISHES. Also, you do not appear to see why you should have told him about this asap even if you did not do the job. The problem here is not just what you did or did not do, but also your ability to see why it was wrong. Don't get me wrong - I also think your husband has issues (you should read my response on your other thread) and you need to deal with those real soon.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just by reading the first post, honestly I would think that he is overreacting. Marriage doesn't necessarily mean sharing everything and having no privacy at all - personally me and my husband have no secrets, we both know the passwords for FB and e-mails, but I think that it's up to each couple to discuss what is better for them that it's fine if someone wants to have some privacy. If you can't trust your partner to have some privacy then you might want to think why you can't trust him/her.

You could have told your soon to be H that you were planning to meet your friend back then before the meeting (which didn't take place), but honestly there doesn't seem anything alarming, he agreed that your messages with your friend were not flirty anyways, so unless there is actually something that can show something might be going on, there is really no reason to worry. I can be with male friends that had a crush on me or vice versa and my husband would trust me, and vice versa.

Well, in the future you can tell him before meeting any male friend, and avoid spending time alone with them, but he cannot limit your interaction with them unless you are ok with it. Marriage is about commitment but not melting and merging two people together. And no, he doesn't have to tag along in these interactions unless you are ok with it. Same goes for him and his gemale friends.

In the basic line, you need to sit together and have a talk of what you consider ok or not ok, and what privacy is privacy and what can be shared. Then you both decide if this is what you both want.


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## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

I am about to demand counseling from him.....for he is making me become a bit bitter with him especially today....which i am going to state in my remembering thread, cuz today is that day and hes is very mad at me today...read what i wrote and tell me if this was such a bad thing and its would give him reason to be so mad at me.....


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