# Berated Over the "Little" Things



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I Wasn't Treating My Husband Fairly, And It Wasn't Fair

Just came across this article. I realize that men can do this to women too, but since the focus of the article is wives treating their husbands a certain way, figured that would be the focus.

Curious, how many guys have gone through this? This is something that fortunately I have not had to deal with during my marriage, and would have very little tolerance for. However, I have seen this happen first hand in other marriages. I absolutely cringe when I am around my in laws b/c this is precisely what my MIL does to my FIL.

Here is a quick excerpt from the article:



> And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I'd just done. And what I'd been doing to him for years, probably. The "hamburger meat moment," as I've come to call it, certainly wasn't the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.
> 
> Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that I've taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like I'm accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. Why do I think it's reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean he's wrong? When did "my way" become "the only way?" When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didn't like as if he were making some kind of mistake?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've said for years women don't always want men, husbands, lovers or fathers. They want employees.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Interestingly, my husband was the one in our relationship who behaved as the article describes. I think, rather than being gender specific, it's mostly related to which partner has the most tendency to be controlling.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

That article is my W. Always sweats the small stuff. It is an old broken record that I tune out.


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## 88SPB88 (Jun 28, 2015)

Reading that article was like reading a daily script of my life. I am a husband on the receiving end of that, in a marriage of 11 years and it is wearing me down. How do you help your partners get to that hamburger revelation as I have tried every approach I know from speaking my mind and talking about how it makes me feel to just saying nothing and even apologising for my "bad attitude and clear lack of respect" I show my wife every time I get something wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If your wife criticizes how you do something, stop doing it. Give it to her to handle.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> I've said for years women don't always want men, husbands, lovers or fathers. They want employees.


:lol: :rofl:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Every man (or woman) who is routinely subjected to this berating, should begin to carry a VAR and play it back to their wives while informing them that you're going to be sending copies to all their friends and relatives.


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## 88SPB88 (Jun 28, 2015)

turnera said:


> If your wife criticizes how you do something, stop doing it. Give it to her to handle.


Problem then is then I get berated for not doing enough or how much more my wife dose than me.


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## 88SPB88 (Jun 28, 2015)

morituri said:


> Every man (or woman) who is routinely subjected to this berating, should begin to carry a VAR and play it back to their wives while informing them that you're going to be sending copies to all their friends and relatives.


I have many hours of recordings but haven't got to the stage of playing it back to her yet as I know how that would go down. Not well. So I am trying to find a more constructive process hopefully through couples councilling


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## Nitty (Jun 28, 2015)

The next time she berates you tell her to "F*ck Off" and go do something you want to do.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> I have many hours of recordings but haven't got to the stage of playing it back to her yet *as I know how that would go down. Not well.* So I am trying to find a more constructive process hopefully through couples counseling


If you haven't tried it, how do you know it is going to go down?


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## 88SPB88 (Jun 28, 2015)

Because of after 10 years of marriage and that the topic of this post is basically about disproportionate responses to small issues and the fact that this a big issue I have learned what her expected responses will be, I would be surprised if she saw it in a positive way and not as me criticising her, pointing out what she dose wrong, never focussing on what she dose right, a huge betrayal of trust etc etc. because that is the response I get when I say "you don't need to yell at me about this"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hahaha! Mrs. Conan was never like that but if she started in, I would throw her over my shoulder and take her to the bedroom for a "gymnastics" lesson. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

88SPB88 said:


> Problem then is then I get berated for not doing enough or how much more my wife dose than me.


So?

If she does that, you just shrug and say 'Huh. Too bad you had to criticize how I did ABC, or I'd still be doing it. Your loss.'


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think because I handle nearly every mundane task in our household.. and when I ask him to pick up something or do something.. he's always been extremely dependable...I've never had to resort to nagging with him... for these reasons It's a rare thing.... Can I be a little controlling in some areas... I CAN.. I don't like money wasted , I want to know what is going on... 

I can get a little anxious when mishaps happen.. I start worrying , thinking the worst case scenario...so long as they are small...it rolls over me easily ... but if it can put a fork into big plans.. although realizing it's NOT HIS FAULT (rarely is)...I can still get in a mood... 

My husband is more apt to remind me of something stupid I did ...and start laughing if I decide to to start yakking too much negatively on how he is doing something......(like once backing out of the garage...I pulled the bumper half way off the car).... my blunders are far worse and funny over his... so he knows how to get me good !!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That article is sounds like the light, cheerful version of my first husband. 

This sort of behavior is definitely not gender specific.



.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's two kinds of passive aggressive behavior. The overt and the covert. The overt says 'fine, there's no pleasing you, you do it' while the covert, weighing his or her options understands that no matter what they do they'll be corrected so there's not much upside to putting in any extra effort so they don't. When your spouse always asks your opinion then interrupts you ignores you and does whatever they like, the other person eventually stops volunteering an opinion. My blushing bride for years said 'we have the same taste in home furnishings....'. That was not true, we had her taste. It's simply not worth the effort to express an opinion and then be told that's stupid and horrible and shut up let the big people make big decisions, dear.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think some of this stems from how men are raised to just "take it" which extends beyond the don't cry when you scrape your knee mentality, this is also the happy wife happy life thing. I know in my marriage that I hated being belittled but I never did anything about it until I had kids. Then I was greatly offended when she would tell me all things I did wrong in regards to my children so I took back control immediately. Enough was enough.

A few of my friends are what I would describe as emotionally abused like this. If you were to ask them why they stay, why the tolerate, it's "happy wife happy life". 

We all teach people how to treat us.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I posted this article a while back (no worries, not everyone has seen it and it's been a while). I stated there that my wife could have written this article. A couple of years ago when our kids were 1-2 years old, she was a lot like this. Constant nagging that I wasn't changing the diapers correctly, wasn't making their food correctly, wasn't driving correctly, et al. She constantly complained to our sitter about what an idiot I was. Meanwhile, I'd have the kids all day and we'd be fine, while she'd have them for an hour and be furious that I wasn't home to help her, but I was the idiot that didn't know what they were doing. She literally went nuclear on me a few times, mostly about missing parking spots. 

Instead of confronting her on this stuff, I tried to be the reasonable one trying to show her that little stuff wasn't worth getting worked up about. Needless to say, that didn't work. I would dread coming home because she'd be mad that I was at work while she was at home with the kids. I was constantly on eggshells around her. Finally started biting back, and that seemed to work. Now, for the most part, she's a lot better. She doesn't sweat the small stuff (she would go absolutely nuts about very trivial things), and even the big stuff she's gotten better. Still some issues, but dramatically better than a couple of years ago.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

88SPB88 said:


> I have many hours of recordings but haven't got to the stage of playing it back to her yet as I know how that would go down. Not well. So I am trying to find a more constructive process hopefully through couples councilling


I did try it. Went over like an aerosol can thrown on a fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think some of this stems from how men are raised to just "take it" which extends beyond the don't cry when you scrape your knee mentality, this is also the happy wife happy life thing. I know in my marriage that I hated being belittled but I never did anything about it until I had kids. Then I was greatly offended when she would tell me all things I did wrong in regards to my children so I took back control immediately. Enough was enough.
> 
> A few of my friends are what I would describe as emotionally abused like this. If you were to ask them why they stay, why the tolerate, it's "happy wife happy life".
> 
> We all teach people how to treat us.


If "this" stems from men being raised to just "take it", what explains that men do "this" to woman just as often and the women usually just "take it".


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If "this" stems from men being raised to just "take it", what explains that men do "this" to woman just as often and the women usually just "take it".


Why, the same thing, of course.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Being raised to "just take it" is ALSO not always gender specific.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I wonder how many people defending their right to do something "their way," are really defending the right to do it half-assed? My ex was the king of "good enough," which meant the job would not be completely finished so it be my job to clean up after him. If you don't clean up spills quickly and thoroughly, for example, you get ants or bugs in the house. 

I sure don't know how many people are guilty of passing on part of their work to their partner and yet claiming they do their share. I'm just asking folks to think about what role they play in the "nagging" before pointing fingers. 

There is a lot of work written on "needs reduction," (someone saying something is good enough, we don't "need" to do more), and most of it stems from a lack of understanding about how things work in a household and/or a lack of respect for household work. 

On the other hand, I have zero tolerance for women (or men) who complain their husband (or wife) doesn't make enough money (you have got to be f******g kidding me!) or who belittle their spouses for "childish" past-times. Yes, bills need to be paid--but no one gets to tell the other person how to spend their time or money once family obligations are met (and hopefully, even the people with hobbies want to spend some of their leisure time enjoying it with their families rather than ducking out to pursue the hobby and never spending true leisure time with spouse/kids). 

I find the current "division of labor" in American households is very divisive, and would now recommend a "share the work, don't try to divide and conquer" approach. Do all chores together--it won't make any difference in the total time it takes to get chores done, b/c 2 people working on each chore should get it done in 1/2 the time, right? I support both parent working outside the household as much as they can--the demands of babies and small children really require a lot of time, energy, and attention, and if it is feasible, that's a great time for someone to stay home for a few years, but even that role should be shared by switching every 2-3 years until all the kids are school-aged--both because it is GOOD for kids to get primary care from each parent, *and* it prevents one sex--women, currently--from making all the career sacrifices in a family (which creates an earning disparity that can never be made up, in most cases). 

Whatever you decide as a couple, be sure that you're both on the same page and, if not, that the "compromise" is one the other person can truly live with. Otherwise, you'll just should them down and end up with a Walk Away spouse in the future.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

turnera said:


> If your wife criticizes how you do something, stop doing it. Give it to her to handle.


That is exactly what I have done over the years. She then gets mad that she has to do things. However, I figure if I am going to hear complaining about it one way or the other, then I just won't do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I like the way Harley suggests. Pick what matters most to you and make yourself the one responsible for it.

We've even taken it further in advice by suggesting you get a posterboard, write out all the things that have to be done. Then, taking turns, pick the chores you will be responsible for. One at a time. Until all things are accounted for. Each of you will take on the things that matter most or you mind doing the least; and you agree that the other person cannot then criticize how you do those chores - or they get added to THEIR side of the list.

Of course, if you are dealing with an unreasonable or abusive spouse, this won't work, and the only solution is to man up and STOP participating in it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bbdad said:


> That is exactly what I have done over the years. She then gets mad that she has to do things. However, I figure if I am going to hear complaining about it one way or the other, then I just won't do it.


Like I said, if she then complains, you just SHRUG (shrugging is very important here because it puts it all right back on their shoulders) and say 'yeah, too bad I got criticized for how I did it, or else I'd still be doing it; now it's your job.'

This whole thing is really all about showing strength.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> I wonder how many people defending their right to do something "their way," are really defending the right to do it half-assed? My ex was the king of "good enough," which meant the job would not be completely finished so it be my job to clean up after him. If you don't clean up spills quickly and thoroughly, for example, you get ants or bugs in the house.
> 
> I sure don't know how many people are guilty of passing on part of their work to their partner and yet claiming they do their share. I'm just asking folks to think about what role they play in the "nagging" before pointing fingers.
> 
> ...


This is a good point.

Cooking dinner for the family is a great thing to do.

Cooking it at 10pm (when other spouse is working late) on a school night is not a good thing to do.. and deserves a remark.

Sometimes, a person does a poor/half-a$$ed job so that their spouse gives up and takes over the job permanently. This is not fair at all.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is a good point.
> 
> Cooking dinner for the family is a great thing to do.
> 
> Cooking it at 10pm (when other spouse is working late) on a school night is not a good thing to do.. and deserves a remark.


Truth! 

Unfortunately, that's not an area where you can just not do it. Kid needs to eat and get in bed, yo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

zillard said:


> Truth!
> 
> Unfortunately, that's not an area where you can just not do it. Kid needs to eat and get in bed, yo.


Yep. 

The point is that some people do passive aggressing things to push chores and responsibilities onto their spouse.

I think that just telling anyone whose spouse complains about something to just stop doing it might not be good advice. We don't know who is actually doing a p!ss poor job as a passive aggressive tactic and how is not.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If "this" stems from men being raised to just "take it", what explains that men do "this" to woman just as often and the women usually just "take it".


Well depends are you talking about little digs or full blown verbal and mental abuse?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

zillard said:


> Being raised to "just take it" is ALSO not always gender specific.


True. Seems the further removed from the Midwest and or Bible Belt area of the country the less common it is to hear. Where I grew up it was absolutely gender specific and still is.... Thankfully I don't live there anymore :wink2:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

88SPB88 said:


> I have many hours of recordings but haven't got to the stage of playing it back to her yet as I know how that would go down. Not well. So I am trying to find a more constructive process hopefully through couples councilling


My point is that if her berating behavior towards you is completely acceptable to her, why would she object and want to hide it from her friends and family?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

morituri said:


> My point is that if her berating behavior towards you is completely acceptable to her, why would she object and want to hide it from her friends and family?


Good point. Observing to see if there is a large difference in a SO's behavior at home and in public (or in view/earshot of others) can be very telling.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

It happens both ways. 
One time I was away on business and pidge busted her hump mowing the lawn in 100 degree heat so I wouldn't have to as soon as I walked in. 
Instead of thanking her I went into a 30 min tirade about how you never mow in squares. Never mow in squares ! 
Man I was an ass that day.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

intheory said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Husbands do this to wives too. Boy, do they ever.


Yes they do and that is why my advice on the VAR applies equally for women who suffer berating from their husbands.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

joe kidd said:


> It happens both ways.
> One time I was away on business and pidge busted her hump mowing the lawn in 100 degree heat so I wouldn't have to as soon as I walked in.
> Instead of thanking her I went into a 30 min tirade about how you never mow in squares. Never mow in squares !
> Man I was an ass that day.


My H was like that. I'd mow to help him out - well, actually, he expected me to help him out and if I didn't he'd chew me out. But he kept critiquing how I mowed - lines not straight enough, never mow in squares, left some blades standing. In fact, he'd often go back BEHIND me and mow OVER again! I told him I didn't like it. He did it anyway. And I continued to help him, stupid fool that I was.

One day I'd had enough, I came back outside and watched him remowing; I just stood there and watched, til he noticed and came over. I just said 'You just gave yourself a new chore' and I went back inside. And almost never mowed again, except in extreme circumstances.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> My H was like that. I'd mow to help him out - well, actually, he expected me to help him out and if I didn't he'd chew me out. But he kept critiquing how I mowed - lines not straight enough, never mow in squares, left some blades standing. In fact, he'd often go back BEHIND me and mow OVER again! I told him I didn't like it. He did it anyway. And I continued to help him, stupid fool that I was.
> 
> One day I'd had enough, I came back outside and watched him remowing; I just stood there and watched, til he noticed and came over. I just said 'You just gave yourself a new chore' and I went back inside. And almost never mowed again, except in extreme circumstances.


Holy crap that would send my blood into a boil. How condescending for him to redo something you were taking care of. F that

Now I have my things for sure I am way particular about. My uniform is one of them and always has been. Never had anyone iron my uniform and never will. I am very particular about how I want it done but least I have good common sense to do it myself in the first place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, it took me a LONG time to figure that out; more than 25 years of feeling like I had to do things his way. And lots of therapy.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Haha. My dad taught me how to iron. He would never let my mom touch his uniform with an iron. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> Yeah, it took me a LONG time to figure that out; more than 25 years of feeling like I had to do things his way. And lots of therapy.



It only took me 10 yrs to figure out I was wrong that day.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If "this" stems from men being raised to just "take it", what explains that men do "this" to woman just as often and the women usually just "take it".


It stems from the special princess syndrome where women are reared from an early age to be demanding, to never consider that other people need to be considered. that no matter the request it should be satisfied.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Some are for sure. 

Not my daughter. 

"Will you fill up my water cup, dad?" 

If I'm in the kitchen, or getting a drink for myself, sure. If not...

"No. My job is to help you with things you can't do for yourself. Get up and fill your cup."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> It stems from the special princess syndrome where women are reared from an early age to be demanding, to never consider that other people need to be considered. that no matter the request it should be satisfied.


Kind of like the men who are raised to expect a woman to do the cooking, cleaning, sex, shopping, raising kids, and everything in between. Because they're female. Oh, and stop expecting the man to talk, care about her issues, or be supportive.

Every other female who comes here comes for that reason.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> *I like the way Harley suggests. Pick what matters most to you and make yourself the one responsible for it.*
> 
> We've even taken it further in advice by suggesting you get a posterboard, write out all the things that have to be done. Then, taking turns, pick the chores you will be responsible for. One at a time. Until all things are accounted for. Each of you will take on the things that matter most or you mind doing the least; and you agree that the other person cannot then criticize how you do those chores - or they get added to THEIR side of the list.
> 
> Of course, if you are dealing with an unreasonable or abusive spouse, this won't work, and the only solution is to man up and STOP participating in it.


 Author Willard Jr. Harley, His Needs Her Needs.. Great book. Sound advice. 

Or I would say.. whomever is just more "time effective" with it...is better at doing it.. should take it on...then at the end of the day... both should have more TIME with each other , giving them more time to relax...and really.. I think this also allows each to more appreciate what the other does.. 

I greatly admire my husband for all that he brings to the table.. I look at him as invaluable....when he is out there fixing the lawn mover, our cars, welding, he gets it done.. some of is it pretty darn frustrating, dirty jobs.. tools breaking, he's made his own when he gets in a bind.. I've said to him.. "how in the heck did you do that [email protected]#"... I would have no patience with that at all.. I'd want to blow the garage up (yes...joking...well maybe half) ... 

And me.. anything remotely related to keeping us organized ...on top of things.. this is my domain..I open every piece of mail, pay every bill, anything /everything related to their school, college- all paper work, do the fafsa, (I used to do the taxes calling the IRS up when I needed help -but I quit that & pay someone now)... handle all the phone calls, grocery lists (we do shop together many times)...all the cooking/ cleaning, laundry, dishes...

There is one thing I hate to do though.... help kids with homework.. I hate it [email protected]# so he does this....the kids like Dad better here anyway.. 

It's important for a couple to feel like a Team.. this morning my husband came with me on one of my jobs.. The lady needed some yard work... I offered our services.....he was the official weed whacker... We kicked butt, got it all done in a few hours.. where she thought it would take a couple times coming back....



> Kind of like the men who are raised to expect a woman to do the cooking, cleaning, sex, shopping, raising kids, and everything in between. Because they're female. Oh, and stop expecting the man to talk, care about her issues, or be supportive.
> 
> Every other female who comes here comes for that reason.


 Every couple who's considering living together, marriage should have a long talk about their* expectations*, how to run a household.. do both enjoy cooking, how to divide chores..what is fair (iron these things out)... also...look at the parents!! ...it often gives some idea to what it may look like in your own marriage. (not always - I must admit the dynamics of what I seen with my Dad & step Mom.. I am all my step mother was, how she ran the household)..My H is much like his Father also. 

I think it's more important that we EXPECT so much *from ourselves* 1st.. it would be so wonderful if both had this mindset of course.. (why is this so rare it seems!)..this alone could avoid so many squabbles, frustration, let downs.. someone has to do it.. if a couple makes GOOD MONEY...they may be able to hire some help if they need.. 

Just seems it wastes a lot of energy fighting over these things ...I think many couples have too much on their plates though... whether they need to cut the budget a little to live within their means.. or weed out some extra activities to give more TIME with each other.. ...this could alleviate some stress for many.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> There's two kinds of passive aggressive behavior. The overt and the covert. The overt says 'fine, there's no pleasing you, you do it' while the covert, weighing his or her options understands that no matter what they do they'll be corrected so there's not much upside to putting in any extra effort so they don't. *When your spouse always asks your opinion then interrupts you ignores you and does whatever they like, the other person eventually stops volunteering an opinion.* My blushing bride for years said 'we have the same taste in home furnishings....'. That was not true, we had her taste. It's simply not worth the effort to express an opinion and then be told that's stupid and horrible and shut up let the big people make big decisions, dear.


Runs like Dog,
great post - I can see myself here in a couple of the things you've mentioned. I've definitely gotten to the point of covert passive aggressive behavior - sometimes I'm damned if I do something but then I'm damned if I don't, so I don't even bother any more. Also, my wife has a habit of asking me for my opinion on something (it could be anything, like which restaurant to go to), and then once I voice an opinion, she just goes with whatever she wanted to do anyway. I've started to call her on this, asking her why she asked me in the first case if she was just going to overrule me anyway. She doesn't like that too much, but I think it's made her see what she's doing and she doesn't do it so often any more.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Interesting, I was just talking to a friend. A friend of his asked him to do a small favor for him (lives in another country, he needed something delivered/exchanged that he bought when he was visiting). My friend had no issues doing, took him about an hour. His wife calls him at work and berates him over this, "How could you do this", "He is just using you", etc...). She calls him later and starts giving him a guilt trip "You care about your friend more than me", blah blah blah... It is important to note, by my friend doing this favor, it in no way impacted anything he would have been doing for his wife or family. It wasn't as if he had plans with his wife, or dumped some responsibility on his wife just so he could take care of. Unfortunately this seems to be the theme where he is frequently berated as her means of communication to him, and from what I can sense he is approaching the breaking point ... I honestly don't even know what to tell him at this point. I did send him a link to the article in the opening post. I just don't get how anyone can feel that making someone who you supposedly care about feel like $hit is appropriate, unless I guess it is used as a means to assert power/control.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'd be better to send him this link.
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


It's all well and good to sit there and blame the woman for being a biotch, but none of it would be happening if HE would just man up.

And so you know, this is how a woman thinks: If she gripes about something she has no business griping about and HE ACCEPTS IT, it pisses her off; she was giving him a sh*t test - we do it to reassure ourselves that our man is strong (I know, sounds stupid, but it happens, and we usually don't even know we're doing it). She may not KNOW why, but she FEELS it. She wants a strong man, not a doormat. And so she gets angry. And the more he kisses her ass when she's angry, the angrier she gets for him becoming more and more of a wimp. And thus the downward spiral.

He needs to read the above book. Blaming her is Nice Guy behavior, weak, and passive aggressive and will NOT get him the relationship he wants.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> You'd be better to send him this link.
> https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
> 
> 
> It's all well and good to sit there and blame the woman for being a biotch, but none of it would be happening if HE would just man up.


Completely agreed. I have tried to push him that direction without flat out saying "Stop being a p***y", or maybe I should be more blunt. I will send him that pdf, thanks.

IDK why, but suddenly now a lot of guys I know want to share with me their marital problems. Maybe they know I have a TAM account but don't want to join themselves lol.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> You'd be better to send him this link.
> https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
> 
> 
> ...


This is why in my opinion the "happy wife happy life" saying is so dangerous. Sets up men up for failure in relationships. I'm sure in some areas of the country it is just a catch phrase. Where I grew up it represents the sole advice to men on how to foster a healthy relationship.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Thanks for this thread. It helped me.

The other night I had a late night office conference call that went on till almost 1:30 AM.
Then I slept and woke up at 3:00 AM.

This is the month of Ramadan and we keep our fasts. So this is for our early morning meal which must get over by 4:00 AM.

The previous day while helping the kids brush their teeth, I had left my tooth brush in their bathroom. SO I go and brush up while my wife is setting the table.

I sit down to eat and my wife asks me if I brushed my teeth?

I am like wtef.

I don't even bother to answer. She goes on and on about how its bad manners to eat without brushing your teeth.

I had a choice. One I could tell her to go and check the bathroom where my wet toothbrush would still smell of the paste.
Or and this is what I did.
Tell her she aint my mom and I am not a kid.

She went on and on and on.

I finished my food and went back to bed.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Someone else posted this exact article on TAM a few weeks ago. Wish I remember who it was... It was a great thread.

Off to look for it now...

Thanks for sharing (again). Eye opening for all those nag spouses...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Option 3 - "come sit on my lap and find out" with a devilish grin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> This is why in my opinion the *"happy wife happy life"* saying is so dangerous. Sets up men up for failure in relationships. I'm sure in some areas of the country it is just a catch phrase. Where I grew up it represents the sole advice to men on how to foster a healthy relationship.


I was going to give a response to this post.. then thought.. Naaah.. I'll just do a thread instead ... to open this up a little deeper..I feel it depends.. like anything else.. it's not that "black & white".. 

Happy Wife, Happy Life"/ "When Mama ain't happy, Ain't nobody Happy"..your thoughts?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Interesting, I was just talking to a friend. A friend of his asked him to do a small favor for him (lives in another country, he needed something delivered/exchanged that he bought when he was visiting). My friend had no issues doing, took him about an hour. His wife calls him at work and berates him over this, "How could you do this", "He is just using you", etc...). She calls him later and starts giving him a guilt trip "You care about your friend more than me", blah blah blah... It is important to note, by my friend doing this favor, it in no way impacted anything he would have been doing for his wife or family. It wasn't as if he had plans with his wife, or dumped some responsibility on his wife just so he could take care of. Unfortunately this seems to be the theme where he is frequently berated as her means of communication to him, and from what I can sense he is approaching the breaking point ... I honestly don't even know what to tell him at this point. I did send him a link to the article in the opening post. I just don't get how anyone can feel that making someone who you supposedly care about feel like $hit is appropriate, unless I guess it is used as a means to assert power/control.


Nothing bugs me more than when there are things that need to be done around the house, things I've asked him, (nicely) to do, that only my husband can do or wants to do himself and he's been playing computer games all day. Then he gets a call from a friend or family member that needs help with something at their house and he gets in his truck and takes off.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Nothing bugs me more than when there are things that need to be done around the house, things I've asked him, (nicely) to do, that only my husband can do or wants to do himself and he's been playing computer games all day. Then he gets a call from a friend or family member that needs help with something at their house and he gets in his truck and takes off.


Well, I wouldn't say this is the case. He is at work all day, and to my understanding when he is not at work he is the one running around with the kids. Also, in this case, this was a friend back from high school who he hadn't seen in years, and it was nothing more than a request to help him exchange some clothes b/c he was out of the country. 

Apparently, according to him, his wife expects other people to do her favors but doesn't feel like she/they should have any obligation to do favors for them (so she makes a stink when someone doesnt do a favor for her and then makes a stink when he does a favor for someone else). Keep in mind, all I know is what he tells me, but from what I can see, this is by no means a healthy marriage right now.


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