# Is R really worth the gamble after this crap ?



## whitehawk

You know , l'm strong now , got exiting plans , l control my own life and if l did that 5 yrs ago l wouldn't even be here ! 
And then if we did R,what if it didn't work ?
And what about your kids ? What ever happened one of you did this to them , l just couldn't watch my d go through this again .

Thoughts ? Are you in R now , must've been a hard decision was it ?


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## whitehawk

How strange no replies , thoughts , worries :scratchhead:


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## Jasel

Well youve given like no information about your situation, your marriage or your background unless its in another thread so its hard to form any kind of opinion let alone a response.


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## whitehawk

Hey J. I guess wondering if others feel like what l described about R.
lf your H or W separates you , destroys your family and nothing will change their mind , they're probably seeing someone else too . 
Say R comes around 6 or 12mths later , could be a few yrs like some here.
But for the one that was left for dirt , went through the worst pain they'd ever experienced , but they built themselves up again and survived , got strong , put life back together for their kids and their pain - your own, rebuilt and it's ok now again - how do you feel about R after that ?
Maybe R's possible for your marriage ,maybe now they want to, are you game ?
Wouldn't you be scared sh!tless about trying again with a person that did that, would you take the gamble and what about your trust issues ?

Maybe now they wanna try again , people do it everyday but l never realized what you face until just recently with my own situation and it's a tough call !


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## Jasel

Well it's hard to put yourself in another person's shoes. Personally I wouldn't think it was worth it. It's amazing the things that people will put themselves through physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, etc to hold onto ONE person who has screwed them over or checked out of the marriage. If I were in that situation I'd probably try to focus on the new life I'm building for myself and my children just as the other spouse should focus on their own new life. But everyone's situation is different, and I don't think there's a right or wrong decision necessarily.

But you're right, it is a risk. I think what you have to ask yourself is WHY should you take those risks? If you did put yourself through all of that what would the goal be? I see too many people who reconcile only to exist in the same general area without many of the former problems being solved (seems moreso with the co-dependent types) and others who have had even stronger marriages after reconcilliation.

Like I said personally no. But I've never been one to go agree with some of the standard cliche advice that gets thrown around. "Everyone deserves a 2nd chance", "You have to forgive to move on", "Staying together for the sake of the kids", etc. 

Now disclaimer this is coming from someone who has never been married and has no kids. So take what I say with that understanding.


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## Unique Username

I was thinking about how cool this site is, to have the ability to anonymously (if ya want) share your predicament and get feedback from people from all over the world. Interesting how similar we are all despite that - relationships and the human condition seem common despite drastic environmental/geographic/ethnic/educational differences. Even different ages and different socio-economic situations effect how we view things and cope and rectify problems.

Also interesting is how different each of our situations...kinda like never know what goes on behind closed doors in peoples homes or in their own minds. lol

For me, I wouldn't consider a reconciliation. Trust was lost with betrayal - forgiven but not forgotten. No trust, no respect. If one took the drastic step of divorcing and all the miserable painful experiences one must endure -- I don't know how they could then decide to mysteriously erase that whole portion of your life...let alone everything that led up to one or both partners to think about getting a divorce. I mean, has to have been something drastic right like adultery, abuse, alcoholism/addiction, dire financial distress, criminal activity and the like. Those are not things that easily go away, or the ramifications of them don't go away....so I don't know, I personally wouldn't want to re-enter something that was life-alteringly miserable like that. 
Only way one could even consider it would be if ALL Underlying problems were completely resolved to the satisfaction of BOTH partners... that would mean that two adults would have to WANT to change (rare) and BOTH diligently work to resolve ALL issues (nearly impossible) that made them separate/divorce in the first place. 

Then again, I've seen folks that have divorced and went on to have even worse post-divorce relationships then got lonely, desperate and decided to settle for the lessor of two evils and remarry the ex....only to find themselves again unhappy about the same unresolved issues.


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## whitehawk

Your right Unique it's pretty amazing how we can do this now and l'l say one thing , would've been screwed without TAM and the people here.
Thanks for the feedback guys .
I hope the thread doesn't make things uncomfortable for anyone in R or hoping too to. l do have a lot of confidence in marriages R'ing and people do it everyday. Life and things can easily put a good family into a tail spin , l know all about that , sometimes a breather can be just what they need. 

It's not a lack of confidence in R'ing itself l struggle with , it's more of the what if ? 
l for one will never wanna go where l've been again.
Spose to of course , depends what happened , brought it all about. 
Going through sep though really makes ya think about ever going back!


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## thompkevin

It's definitely a risk in a situation that you described. But it all depends on the person and how they've changed. If the H or W who left has also grown and learned to be more responsible and trustworthy, then it might worth the risk. It also depends on you. Perhaps, the growth that came from the divorce and all the hard time made you realize that the ex is not worth it and you don't love them.


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## cdbaker

whitehawk said:


> Ahh that's great to hear cd , thanks and the best of luck to you guys too.
> Yeah personally l don't think a yr or 3 is too unrealistic. lt's taken us each 9mths just to even mentally work through things a bit. l see big changes in my x and the old her surfacing just lately. l's like to R if it's the old her , don't want the new her though . So l haven't given up either yet.
> 
> Here's another one for us . My brother and his wife were always just an easy natural really well suited couple . Yet even they split when a whole series of lifes heavies accumulated over a few yrs and blew up.
> They were apart two years but l'm happy to say they're back to their old happy selves again these days .


Whitehawk, I decided to respond to you here instead of the other thread, so as not to threadjack hers.

Relating to your brother and his wife, I assume you mean they are back together now? Or back to their old happy selves but apart?

From everyone I have talked to and everything I have read, I have never yet heard of a couple getting back together after a 3+ year separation in which divorce did not take place. Maybe that means we really love each other or deserve some kind of props for the achievement, but it could just as easily mean that we never hear about it because it's doomed to fail. So who knows.

I'm not really sure what you are meaning by "old" and "new" her. People do change over time and we have to accept that. When I married my wife she was completely willing to let me manage virtually everything, soft spoken, loved dressing/wearing "cute" outfits/attire, far more care free, and much more spiritually in tune with her faith. Over time most of that has changed, and I have learned to accept or embrace them all. So depending on the changes you are referring to, some of them might be natural and irreversible. Just something to consider.


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## whitehawk

Thanks cd.
My brother and w got back together , very happy .
The old her is 2-3 yrs ago before the sep , the om , they change see , fog and all that , totally different people when they decide to sep .
But yeah she was also changing a lot over the last few yrs to maturing l guess so it's a bit of both.

Some changing were natural , some forced like the into separation mode.


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## brokenbythis

Its a tough question. I too struggle with it. If I ever did consider R, it would have to be for a completely different relationship than the marriage I had. And he would have to learn and enforce very strict boundaries with people, especially the many he people he let get into our marriage and put a wedge between us.

Its been 2 yrs since he first said he wanted out, 6 mths since D-day, and although he is kind, and wants to spend time with me, I do not see any signs of commitment or boundaries so in my case I do not ever expect R to happen. Because that old relationship is not the relationship I want for my future.

So I'm just plugging along building my own life and doing the best I can for our son. Being a dedicated mom comes first. Maybe some day I'll find some love too


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## whitehawk

Hi B if your still around , thanks for the thoughts.Bit delayed sorry.
Just wondering how things are goin now , has either of you hooked up with someone new now or ?


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## honcho

I have a friend who went thru a similar situation as you described. They were married for 15 years, she started fooling around, not just one but many. When she left him she did the blame deflection game. Told him he was too stubborn to change, didnt treat women with same respect as men etc. Very much an alpha as talked about in some other postings. Now her issues with him were actually legitimate, I have known him his most of his life. It didnt justify her affairs. Had she divorced him before all the affairs most people would have understood. 

They get divorced, my friend actually worked on his issues. He did become a better person. 5 years later she comes back and within a short period of time they get married again. The world for them is a happy place by appearances for 3 years.

Then she starts having affairs again. This time she blames him for being too "nice" she didnt respect him. They divorce again. It was a quick and decisive action and he had a pre-nup for second marriage. While she played the part of a changed person she hadn't really changed. 

How much or how little anyone changes or reforms is anybodys guess. How dedicated to the process I think also plays a part. She came back for the comforts of home, he was lonely. He says it was worth taking the chance because the second time he was ready. Maybe that was part of the problem, he always expected something to happen instead of working with each other to have it not happen.


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## Separated79

If one wants R, i think they should make the move and the effort(working on trust part,action speaks louder than words).
Never ever lose yourself again


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## firebelly1

For me I think I've been willing to try because I believe people can change. But I'm at the point of facing, as Unique pointed out, that both people have to want to change and be willing to work at it and it appears my H isn't there. I THOUGHT he was. He appeared to be. He said he was. But what he does and what he says aren't the same.


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