# Do physicallly and emotianallly abusive people change?



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

My husband has anger issues. He will snap for silly things. Hit me and grabbed me in the past. He is emotionally abusive as well. 
He told me to forget past and work on our future. 

Do people like this change? Any experiences? I do not want to give up on him yet, but I cannot forget.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

The first time he hit you you should've left (or kicked him out) and not come back until he's had therapy and proven he's dealing with it.

No excuse for physical abuse (on either side). EVER.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My dad didn't...well, that's not exactly true. He did after my brothers got big enough to kick his a$$ for hitting my mom. Then he was too scared to. 

Get out now.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h never did. In fact his behavior worsened. Thankfully I got outta there when I did. 

I always stood up for myself. I was not about to let some idiot rule my life. No way, no how.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

He likely will not change. It is rare for an abuser to change--he would have to sincerely want to change, and if he is telling you to forget the past (i.e. his abuses of the past), then he likely isn't even ready to _admit_ that he is an abuser. 

If he attends therapy for his anger issues, either self-motivated or court-ordered, he would have to attend for the rest of his life or risk backsliding into his abusive habits. 

Has his violence towards you escalated, or worsened, at each encounter?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I do not think it worsened but it did not stop. We do not fight lately though. 
He is verbally abusive. He would call me names or telling me that he would slap me. It was only couple of weeks ago, when I told him to stop touching me but he did not. He was being playful but I did not like it. When I pushed his face away from me, he grabbed my head and told me with anger to stop this behavior or he will slap me next time. I could feel his fingers in my cheeks for a while. Once again, he said it was my fault.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Gtfo


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I have read your other posts and my heart breaks for you. Your husband has destroyed your self esteem and self worth and I can tell you do truly believe this is all your fault, even your name screams " MY FAULT".....NO!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK! NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! He probably won't change....PLEASE see a therapist if you can....and LEAVE HIM...you deserve better, I promise  Hugz for you....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They usually get worse over time.

Get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

An abuser has zero incentive to change (that is, if he/she ever does) if you continue to stay with them and tolerate their crap behavior.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

52 sessions in anger managment stop me from pushing my wife around.
This was not court ordered, it was something *I* had to do for my self.
As the abuse progressed I didn't like the person I was becoming.

So yes people can change. Even serial cheater can change......for those of you coming over from CWI forum...
Just like with my past abuse, my fWW has come along way and here we are both emotionaly healthier as individuals, and happier as a couple.

Until your H learns the tools to prevent this behavior it does get worse. I know I lived it years ago when I was in my 20's now at 45 I haven't touched Mrs. the-guy in anger since then.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

They can... But most never do.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> He likely will not change. It is rare for an abuser to change--he would have to sincerely want to change, and if he is telling you to forget the past (i.e. his abuses of the past), then he likely isn't even ready to _admit_ that he is an abuser.
> 
> If he attends therapy for his anger issues, either self-motivated or court-ordered, he would have to attend for the rest of his life or risk backsliding into his abusive habits.
> 
> Has his violence towards you escalated, or worsened, at each encounter?


My estrange always said why can't you forget the past and move forward, but he would never allow me to discuss anything.

Because in their mind they justify every thing they have ever said or done to you, it doesn't really bother them.

They do not change.

My estranged has spent plenty of time in anger management therapy, he still to this day is aggressive towards me, pushing shoving and blocking my way, he certainly hasn't learnt to back off even when you are trying to escape.

He is in psychotherapy aswell now.

He still think's there is an us, for god sake no way, he asked if i would go to MC, apparently there is something wrong with me because i don't want to go with him, as far as i am concerned it is over.

To OP, please give up and don't waste any more time on him.

oh yeah they tell you you are to sensitive, then you are second guessing yourself, thinking you are, so maybe i was when he crushed my hand or locked me in his shop, then called me every name under the sun, starved me and shoved stale bread in my face telling me to eat it, by the way i am a non diabetic hypoglycaemic , which means i can get serious low blood sugar, so dangerous to starve me, or left me at a garage in the middle of down town LA late at night, no clothes or money, the officer said i was a very lucky not to been raped, oh well i must be to sensitive too


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> They usually get worse over time.
> 
> Get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
> 
> An abuser has zero incentive to change (that is, if he/she ever does) if you continue to stay with them and tolerate their crap behavior.


I got me that book this weekend. I am really excited about it. I believe I will find my answers. Thank you!


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## CarolynsFingers (Dec 15, 2010)

How much work has he put into the issue? If all he has for you is that he's done abusing and you need to get over it, that is not enough. You have to be able believe him and he has to be believable. 

Right now, I suggest that you read up on personal boundaries in marriage (I should talk  ) and think up some boundaries for yourself as well as have an action plan for when your boundaries are violated.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No they don't. Moreover they don't deserve your compassion if they say they have.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think that anyone can change over time. I know I have.

That said, he's abusive. There is absolutely no good reason for you to be around until the changes are complete.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband has anger issues. He will snap for silly things. Hit me and grabbed me in the past. He is emotionally abusive as well.
> He told me to forget past and work on our future.
> 
> Do people like this change? Any experiences? I do not want to give up on him yet, but I cannot forget.


Do people Change ? Well They can most probably dont The only reason someone considers change is that the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change -repeat The only person in any given situation that can change is you you have the power to change yourself if you so choose


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband has anger issues. He will snap for silly things. Hit me and grabbed me in the past. He is emotionally abusive as well.
> He told me to forget past and work on our future.
> 
> Do people like this change? Any experiences? I do not want to give up on him yet, but I cannot forget.


Far too often, people have to hit their "bottom" before they see their way clear to make better choices. Maybe his bottom is you in the hospital. Maybe it's him going to jail. It's not real clear to me that anyone would want to wait around for the bottom unless they absolutely had to.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you for all help!!! 

My H does not admit doing wrong. He always said I deserved it. 
Sometimes, when we fight, he gets mad and stop talking to me. But after hour or two, he will come back to me and act as if it never happened. That is something I do not get. How can you be mad like crazy and then just smiling and not to say a thing about issue?

To me, he is in denial about his problems. For him, going to therapist is sign of weakness. Something for crazy people only. 
I told him about my counselor and he called him d..head. I told him how can you call names someone who has 2 degrees, 10 years experience and did nothing bad to you? Just do not get it!

I also did not have my boundaries before. I did not know what people mean by "you have to love yourself". Now, I am happy to say, I know. I will have my boundaries and won't let him treat me the way he did before. 
I am starting MC tomorrow on my own for now, but I hope it will help me with whatever I need help with. 

I also did not know how much childhood effects you in your adult life. My father is alcoholic, who calls my mom names and is very hateful when drinking. He was also physically abusive before. I was always scared when I heard him yelling at her. And I believe it left scars on me without know it it.

I do not want my kids going through same things....


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> That is something I do not get. How can you be mad like crazy and then just smiling and not to say a thing about issue?


AG, that rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformation is called "black-white thinking." It occurs frequently in people whose emotional development was frozen at a young age by childhood abandonment, abuse, or trauma. The result is that they cannot tolerate uncertainties, ambiguities, strong mixed feelings, or grey areas. They therefore force everyone and everything into a black-white perception of the world.

This all-or-nothing thinking is most evident in the way the person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based on a minor comment or action. It also is evident in the frequent use of terms like "you always" and "you never." And it is evident in rapid flips from hating you to loving you. Days or weeks later, the person will flip back again just as quickly.

My exW, for example, would throw a temper tantrum for several hours and, then, in a few seconds she would flip to splitting me "white" again instead of "black." Indeed, she could be raging at me for several hours and, then, in a few minutes be ready to jump into bed with me. This happens because she is comfortable being in touch with only one set of feelings (loving me or hating me) at a time.

If you would like to read more about black-white thinking, please see my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, AG.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Didn't read all the posts. I'd like to say I was a mildy verbally abusive husband. Not terribly, but I'd make fun of her when she said stupid things, instead of laughing it off. Yelled at her sometimes. I've NEVER HIT HER! Nor would I. But, verbally, can be just as bad sometimes. 

I still told her I loved her all the time, sure and we were romantic a lot. Of course the toys and dressups in the bedroom had been gone for a while, she was a LD woman and I tried to let her "calm down" from me trying so many new things. ANYWAYS, sorry. I would get mad over stupid things as well. He11 I've even punched walls and doors. NEVER her.... never. 

We're in the middle of a huge fight. She's called for Divorce a few times. Paid the retainer over a week ago and still no papers yet. When first asked she says "She doesn't know" but after I pissed her off or irritate her she's like "YES I want a divorce, I'm done"

We've been together 11 years, married 6 , w/ 3yo daughter. After being in this situation, back and forth, infidelity on her side (OM Gone) She's acting like I SHOULD BE... saying she wants time and such. I feel my life is over. REALLY over. ...

I'm changing. I've completely cut out the Road Rage. I've been working on my responses from bad situations. I've only "slapped" a door frame in 2 months. We've been going through this for about 3 months now. SHe's moved out, I've moved out. D papers on the way. AND I'M CHANGING! FOR ME! Sure, i want to change for my wife and family and want her back, but I'm changing for me. 

While I've been down, my family has kicked me, my friends have kicked me, and I've had almost zero people for support. YOU GUYS HERE have been my support. I'm alone. I"m scared, I"M TERRIFIED!!! I KNOW what I'm losing now. 

I. Am. Changing. I'm already better, I feel like I love myself now, I have people telling me how different I am and such. I KNOW it's working. And in a relatively short time. I love my wife and family with everything I have, and I realize this now. So please, believe me when people say you CAN change. BUT, you have to WANT TO! And believe me, I truly want to change now... I'm doing it. 

However, if the man isn't acting like I described, and he's not had the revalation.... kick him out until he does! Don't have to D or anything, but SLAP THE SH.T OUT OF HIM with reality! And don't take them back just as soon as you see changes, and if / when you do accept them again, WORK ON IT WORK ON IT WORK ON IT... HELP THEM! If it fails after that... gtfo and get on with your life. 

Hope this wasn't too long. But I felt it prudent to state my side, from a formerly verbally abusive husband.


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## Yellow star (Nov 11, 2012)

I just have to say I hate when people tell me to forget about the pass! The pass is what makes unresolved issues. If we ignor them and not deal with them and think it won't affect us then you are wrong. One day something will trigger it then your depressed or angry next you find an escape behavior that will only provide temporary relief. So whats the benefit of leaving the pass behind you?


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

He would call me names or telling me that he would slap me. It was only couple of weeks ago, when I told him to stop touching me but he did not. He was being playful but I did not like it. When I pushed his face away from me, he grabbed my head and told me with anger to stop this behavior or he will slap me next time. I could feel his fingers in my cheeks for a while. Once again, he said it was my fault.


Dear, It will always be YOUR fault in an abusive relationship. IT will not change, it will not get better. As long as you allow it, it continue. Bullies, like your husband, are trying to CONTROL you. It is about control so ask yourself, "Is it worth being controlled to a point that I live a life of quiet desperation?" Has he ever threatened you if you leave, he will beat you, kill you, or hunt you down? If so, consider yourself in a full-blown abusive relationship and get some help to get OUT.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I think I stop reading so far into these. TBH. I only yelled at my wife on occasion. I've talked bad to her sometimes and that's painful enough. I think I start skipping when I see it getting worse, in the stories told like here. I see myself and think "Gawd, I couldn't be like that person in this story" Then I think of what I"ve done and don't feel different. Why wouldn't someone want to change? 

Reading that green text from Srena, made me sick. Literally, I want to throw up now. Not because i've had a lot of medicine or w/e, but I feel really sick to my gut, thinking about that poor girl. I'll never understand because I've never been there. 

I can't think about this anymore. I'm sorry this is happening to so many people. 
I truly hope everyone gets better.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Yes, don't bank on that statement that they can change - costa200 is right - they can change - but most of them never do. They do not have any incentive to change. If you leave him, he will threaten you. If you fight back, he will hit you harder. If you call the police and threaten to have him arrested, once that door closes and the police are gone -it is blackout city. Don't waste YOUr life and time waiting for HIm to change. You need to change, get up, get out, and stop subjecting yourself to abuse that is not going to stop.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

NO. And what's worse, if you stay, they know you don't really believe their excuses, and they resent you for acting like you do. This only helps them to justify continuing their abuse of you. They hate you for putting up with them, and they will punish you for your good deeds, for hanging around and subconsciously making them feel like sh*t about themselves. The best thing to do is to leave and to do no contact. Force yourself to go about a life. After a while you'll find you do not miss this abusive person. You will be alone on a Saturday night and you will have a feeling of peace that far outweighs any kind of loneliness. If you're like me, you think, wow, I can go to bed and read naked and I don't have to worry about titty twisters. Yay.


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## Just-A-Girl (Nov 9, 2012)

My husband hit me once, 3 years ago. He started blaming me, he said that I provoked him to. I said that this is unacceptable and we're getting divorced. 
Then he said he was sorry and he will never do it again. He realised that if it happens againg that will be the end. 
I know he's got problems with his temper but I decided to give him a chance. I felt that he's truly sorry and forgived him. He never hit me again, because he really cares.
People will treat you the way you let them treat you. 
My advice is: take a big risk. If you forgive every time, he will get used to it. If he knows that he may loose you, he will be more careful. 
Dont let anyone abuse you!
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SelfTweaks (Nov 11, 2012)

When you exchanged vows with your husband, he vowed to love, honor, and cherish you above all others.

How is abusing you mentally and physically honoring that commitment?

From a theoretical standpoint, it is possible for an abuser to change, but from a practical standpoint they never do. The statistics speak for themselves. Most people that abuse will keep on abusing because they have major control issues and they use violence and intimidation as a way to control their situations.

No one has the right to put their hands on anyone in anger. You deserve to be treated better than he treats you. Violence in a marriage is a breach of contract and for your own safety, this is a contract you should terminate immediately.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

People are creatures of habit.
Physically and emotionally people in a relationship very rarely , ever change.
Especially when they are in control
The only way they stop is if they have an " epiphany " or somebody more powerful than them forces them to stop.
OP,
If you are in that situation,then you need to remove yourself from that environment.
He will come back begging, then you will start feeling sorry for him.
But DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> *The best thing to do is to leave and to do no contact. Force yourself to go about a life. *


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::

Sorry I didn't read this before.
But that is the BEST advice.
Yes you will feel afraid and confused because he has managed to damage your self esteem.
But the further away you are from this man, the better you chances of starting over and rebuilding your self esteem.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

srena200 said:


> He would call me names or telling me that he would slap me. It was only couple of weeks ago, when I told him to stop touching me but he did not. He was being playful but I did not like it. When I pushed his face away from me, he grabbed my head and told me with anger to stop this behavior or he will slap me next time. I could feel his fingers in my cheeks for a while. Once again, he said it was my fault.
> 
> 
> Dear, It will always be YOUR fault in an abusive relationship. IT will not change, it will not get better. As long as you allow it, it continue. Bullies, like your husband, are trying to CONTROL you. It is about control so ask yourself, "Is it worth being controlled to a point that I live a life of quiet desperation?" Has he ever threatened you if you leave, he will beat you, kill you, or hunt you down? If so, consider yourself in a full-blown abusive relationship and get some help to get OUT.


I remember him telling me ,in joking way, that he would go to jail before I get divorce. He did not scare me but I find it very creepy. 
He always joked about me drinking antifreeze without knowing, or telling my family I am somewhere in other country and telling friends in this country that I left home while being planned under our tree. Just some creepy jokes from him. But I honestly do not believe he would be able to do it.

He often said this stuff because he knows how anything "death" related freaking me out. He knows I am afraid of not being around anymore. He thinks it's funny. I do not.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My ex said he's rather see me and our daughter dead than divorce him and have custody of our daughter. That was the day he brought out the gun - all while I'm holding our toddler.

Part of me is glad she doesn't remember these things, but on the other hand she thinks her Dad was a saint and I just left because I'm a b*tch. He told her I cheated (I did not, not even EA) and that he begged me to stay (true but after 3 years of begging for him to go to MC/IC I gave up).

He used to grab my hips, butt, thighs, arms and 'jiggle' and think it was a funny way to point out I needed to loose a few pounds - this when I was 5'7" and 150lbs. I asked him to stop it, it made me feel self conscious and he's say he was just joking, not to be so uptight, etc. He'd toss the dog in the air and it would panic - I'd tell him it was mean and he would keep doing it. All sorts of things like that which made day-to-day living miserable. I knew to just let him have his way. 

I couldn't have an opinion on anything that was different than his or I was a dumba$$, idiot or f-ing stupid. So I stopped having any. By the end I felt like an incapable empty shell of a human but I had a little spark inside that said it wasn't OK, this was NOT like me, and my daughter couldn't ever think this was OK.

I'm sure there are some abusive men and women who can work through if it's merely anger management, etc. but my NPD ex is pretty hopeless.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you so much for all your responses...
Honestly, I feel very confused right now.
I feel like I created this monster while he was good guy before and to everybody.
When you ask people who know him, they will say" Oh, we love your husband. He is funny, very helpful, very social, and smart.” They would not say anything ugly about him.

I feel that I might be responsible or provoke him to react the way he did in the past.
Just like my MC therapist said, I have to set my boundaries which I did not have. When anything happened before, I thought I deserved it.

I remember that when he criticized me so frequently and over stupid thing, I could not deal with it anymore so I called him names. I just did not know what else to do. Every day – something. I felt like I could not do anything right without him telling me how and when to do it. 
I remember asking him for separate account, he did not let me do so. Until this day, when I want to order something online, he is the one who has to finish purchase. 

One day, I drove through little country road with my husband in a passenger seat. Suddenly, I saw something tiny in the middle of the road. He said, don’t stop, it will fit between your wheels. I did not listen. When I got outside I spotted this little kitten. It was so small that it fitted in my palm. It was shaking and crying. Little ball of fur was covered in fleas. It was breaking my heart to see it like that. 
When he realized what was going on, he started yelling at me to come back to the car. I took the baby kitten, sat into car and told him, that I want to take care about it, feed it and then find some home or take it to the shelter. Anything would be better that nothing…. He did not listen, he started to yell even more, throw F-bombs at my actions and that poor kitty. He also asked me if " slamming my head with computer keyboard (which he was holding) would help me to get my sanity back..."
He became very angry and somehow aggressive. He scared me the way he acted. Only thing I could do at the moment was to take that kitten and put it in to the grass, far from the dangerous road. 
I cried like a little child after that. 
I felt very bad that I could not help it. 

He also loves to push my buttons:
When his hands are completely cold, he will come and touch me on my skin several times after I told him not to since I hate cold.
He will slap my butt that it hurts. He knows I can't stand it but does it anyway. 
He knows I do not like when he touches me with water wet hands and using me as a towel. Told him thousand times...no difference.
He never takes my health issues seriously but when he has cold, the whole world has to turn around him. 
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism two years ago. I had my ultrasound done and dr. told me that it is enlarge little bit but everything looks ok for now. When I asked if I can get cancer because it is not working properly, he said yes. Until that day, I did not read about my disease much. I did not take it too serious. Then I read lots of articles on it and when 
I said it to my H. His reaction was:
“Hypochondriac, try to find this: when I fart, it really stinks. What is wrong with me?”


I just feel so confused. I know he is trying hard to be better person now. He did not tell me anything ugly lately. He tries not to be what he was but it does nothing with me.
We had little trip over the weekend with our friends. He tried to hold my hand on many occasions but all I could feel was me pulling away from him. I did not want him to hold me. I did not like him to be close to me in a bed. 
I did not care for any of his affection and when I looked at him being sad, I felt really sorry, sorry for him and bad for me for not feeling anything. What if this whole thing is just my fault???


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

its possible but usually the case is no.

i would not advice someone to put up with it and wait till they change because that day may never come.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He sounds like he has a personality disorder. As long as he won't get help and recognize it's an issue, it's not going to change. Sounds just like my ex. He used to hit me on the head (no visible bruises - he planned it that way and bragged about it) and ask if he had to beat/knock the sense into me. I can't imagine putting up with that crap now.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP,
There is no need for you to feel guilty or sorry for this man.

Save your energy and feel sorry for yourself.

Get away from this man, he is not is not a child. 
He is not your responsibility


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you for help everybody. I will see what to do. My therapist told me I will see clearly soon.


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## Leopold Bloom (Mar 29, 2011)

Is the abusiveness related to drugs or alcohol? My wife was verbally and physically abusive when she drank, and as she has started to deal with the drinking, the abuse has stopped.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Yes, people can change. I was physically and verbally abusive for years. I had to hit rock ass bottom to finally see I was such a horrible person. Have I changed? Most definitely.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Grats on your changing Pidge70. 

Same here. Took my wife to do some amazingly bad things for me to realize. I lost my wife (she's not the same anymore), losing 50% of my child, lost some of my friends (all her friends now), lost a lot more stuff. Lost some of my family. When I was on bottom, EVERYONE kicked me while I was down. Told me how bad I was etc. But when summed up, I really wasn't THAT bad. So my changes weren't too hard to make. All I have to do is THINK about what I'm doing, and with the wife gone, that's all I do, is think about every action I do, about every word I speak. It's a good feeling knowing I'm a better man for it, but sucks that I'm losing my family as a whole. 

Yes. We can change, BUT, WE HAVE TO WANT to change!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

People only change when "not changing" will create a consequence they aren't willing to live with. 

For some people, losing their partner is a consequence they will change to avoid, but in most cases, a different thing happens. They figure out how to manipulate the partner better next time by promising that they've changed, acting better temporarily, and then easing back to the same dynamic that always worked before.

AG, you are never at fault for another person's behavior. However, you do play a role in what happens. Nobody can abuse you without your consent. Let me say that again: NOBODY CAN ABUSE YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.

You can leave instead of being abused. Your counselor said you don't have boundaries. I disagree. You have them, like when you say, "Don't touch me with wet or cold hands," but he isn't respecting them. You do have boundaries, but what you don't have is methods to enforce them.

I had to learn this, too. I call myself a b*tch if asked, because I won't hesitate to let someone know that there are consequences for violating my boundaries. "Go ahead and touch me with those hands when I've told you not to. You'll find that they won't touch me again for a month. Your call." And then yes, I will follow through, whether that means refusing all physical contact for a month or leaving the house for that long. 

I've found that I am the only person who can create the life I want for myself. I have found that others learn how to treat me from the way I treat myself. When I try to please others who don't reciprocate, I get hurt, so I don't try to please people unless they're also willing to please me. I don't help people who don't help me. I've eaten dirt too many times to let this be a part of my life these days. 

It doesn't mean I have to be demanding or controlling. It just means that I have to be willing to state AND enforce my boundaries.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Last time when I wrote here I was confused about his behavior and being nice guy lately. 
I felt bad for judging him over past accidents. But this morning we are back where we were.
I was getting ready to work, ironed his clothes and mine when he asked for his underwear. I had busy week and did not do laundry, so only thing he has left were his boxers which he does not like.
I told him there may be some other in dryer. He told me to go and look. I replied that I am too busy since it was just few minutes before I had to leave house and still was not ready. He said go and check and I said no in nice way.
Then he said with angry voice "If you are or want to be "b*ch , then act like b*ch." And he went look by himself.
When he got back, he said there is none and what he should do now? He asked me couple times but I was already upset by him calling me that name. He knew I did not do it on purpose and if I did not iron, I would go and check.
When I did not reply, he come to me and start yelling "answer me". He grabbed iron from my hand so I could not continue working. Then he poked and pushed me with his fingers in my arm to make me answer . I started to cry and told him that no one is going to call me that name and I did not do it on purpose. He asked why am I crying and called me drama queen.
I went to bathroom to wash my eyes. He just kept saying that I am such a drama queen.
Then, after few minutes, he came back and apologize for saying things without thinking. I said he always does that and it will never change. He said he is working on it.

He made me feel that everything was my fault once again. That I deserved name calling and yelling. 
I did not like him standing so close to me when he grabbed iron from my hand and I did not like the way he pushed his fingers into my arm and chest to get his answer. He just don't understand what he does. This pushes me away from him on every level. 
He apologized again later on.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> He made me feel that everything was my fault once again.


No, AG, he doesn't have the power to "make you feel" anything. If he did, you would be a helpless victim, a woman having no control over her own life. But that is not the case at all. As Kathy explained above, "NOBODY CAN ABUSE YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT." 

AG, if you are ready to take charge of your life instead of just complaining about it, you must make serious efforts to understand the toxic nature of your toxic relationship. And you must understand that the toxicity is not something HE is doing to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH are doing to each other. This means you have the power to stop the pain and walk away from the toxicity at any time.

To acquire that level of understanding, the best action you can take is to see your own psychologist -- for at least a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion. I suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you follow the link I gave you two weeks ago in post #20 above. It points to a discussion of several of the behaviors you describe (e.g., black-white thinking and temper tantrums).


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Last time when I wrote here I was confused about his behavior and being nice guy lately.
> 
> *Translation: When I feel confusion, I can eliminate it by recognizing it for what it is: manipulation. *
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Do the wives and husbands who put up with it, change? No, not really. They really don't. We say, off the cuff 'oh she has terrible judgment in men....' but what we're really saying is 'she likes being a doormat. Being abused validates her.'


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