# Completely torn!



## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Ok so here i am 34 young and professional, beautiful home, two beautiful kids, a dog with nice cars. But I am at a cross roads. I have been with my wife for 10 years, 3 dating and 7 years married. We have 2 of the most beautiful children in the world a 5 and 1 year old. In the years BC (Before Children) i considered her my absolute best friend in the world. We laughed and truly enjoyed each others company and in a million years i never thought of straying from my relationship. I consider myself a good looking man and she a good looking woman. People would always comment to others and it would always work it's way back to us that people would say that we always looked so happy with each other, and it was true. She was all i could see in my life for many years. That being said the last three years between our first and now our second child, the balance has shifted from being a husband and wife that enjoyed each others company to a mother and father who are only there for that purpose. We recently had a a talk about the state of things with us and both agreed that we still love each other but that things cannot continue the same way because we don't want our children to see us that way. I know I can be by myself and she can do the same. And I am so torn because on one end I feel as if my feeling of wanting to be free is selfish in regards to my children. Should I stick it out for them and be unhappy in my marriage or should we separate and just try to explain to the children that this is for the best for us and them. I just want to be happy again.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Having young kids is hard, but they are getting old enough that you guys could start dating again.

Get a sitter once a week and go out together.

If there's no abuse or gross neglect - especially when there are kids - you need to WORK at it a bit.

Good luck!


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

I appreciate that nice, but honestly it's been three years in the working phase and I kind of already there and the only thing keeping me locked in are the kids. Emotionally I dont think I have it anymore. There absolutely is no abuse of any sort. There is simply an emotional disconnect and with the emotional disconnect comes the physical neglect. I've began to notice other women and other women have started to notice me. I have always maintained with my wife that if it ever came to the point where i felt I wanted to stray that I would be man enough to tell her before i acted on my impulses. That is kind of where I am right now.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

That's okay if you have to force it for awhile....but as you keep working at it, it will eventually get better. You and your wife need to get away on dates and go away by yourself on weekends and reconnect. You'll need to take risks to talk to your wife again about what is going on in your heart. It will get better, it just takes time and work.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Your relationship dynamics have changed. It happens when children are there. It is a fact of married life.

If you stay with your wife your relationship dynamics will change again when the children leave home. It is a fact of married life.

If you stay with your wife all the way through to retirement, your relationship dynamics will change again as you’ll be with one another more or less 24/7. It is a fact of married life.

You've the being over 40 to go through yet and you've both the 50s to go through as well. Mid life change/crisis may well come to you. And again it's "all change". Fact of married life.

We might “expect” our relationship with our partner to not change for 30, 40 years. But that is not at all realistic. Life changes people, children, deaths of loved ones, children leaving home, redundancy. So in some ways we are living with a “changing person” while we are at the same time changing ourselves.

But if in your heart, and your wife’s heart, you both love each other then I don’t reckon we get much more blessed than that in our lives. If you don’t want your children to be raised by a single parent or to be raised by another man then I think you know what you must do.

You “just want to be happy again”. Most of us want happiness, joy even. But you think you’re going to find your happiness with another woman. You think the grass is greener. You’ll never know if it is or not until you do it. But if you do do it, that field you’ve invested in with your family will not be there for should you wish to return, for you it will be a burnt out field.

Learn how to tend to your crops, these are your wife and children and it is part of being a husband and a father.

When I was about your age with two children about the same age I discovered my wife having an affair. Sad and unhappy don’t really describe how I felt. Me? I just didn’t want to leave my sons and I loved my wife. I got through it. That was 30 odd years ago and I’ve never regretted my decision to stay and work on it.

Bob


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

I appreciate all the words of wisdom, it makes me feel that there is hope. Today it looks as if we have made the mutual decision in less than so many words to separate. I dont know where to go from here and my heart is broken. She feels that I dont want to be there and today our son was being watched by my mother in law and he told her that santa clause doesnt bring mommy and daddy presents because they fight all the time and daddy makes mommy cry and mommy says nasty things to daddy and when mommy cries her eyes get all red....etc. You get the picture. I always told my self that if it ever got to the point where my children were being affected that we would make the choice to be happy apart rather than unhappy together and showing our kids that we can be ok. I am resigned to the fact that i think maybe to separate is the best option. Give myself time away but obviously still be active in my families life. I hope this gives me an opportunity to realize that i miss her and hopefully our relationship gets better with some time apart. The old cliche says absence makes the heart grow fonder. I am willing to test this and hope and pray that it is true. I truly dont want to be with any other women. So it's not that as far as the issue. Right now I feel like just being alone.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If you haven’t been to counselling, do it. You’ve way too much to lose and so much to gain. Hold off the leaving for 3 months while you go to counselling and review the situation then. Your children wont suffer in that period of time.

Bob


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

We haven't tried counseling yet and that is going to be the last resort obviously. It's me honestly guys. I am being selfish because I have this overwhelming feeling to just be alone and alot of that was brought on by the neglect on both our parts. With us simply concentrating on the kids and forgetting about ourselves this feeling has grown more and more. The routine of getting up in the morning, going to work, coming home and jumping right into dad duty and then not even interacting with her as my wife because she is usually sleeping because she is exhausted from her job. She told me yesterday that she feels that we are just over. She feels that I don't want to be there with them. In a sense she is right because as I said, I have this feeling that i just want to be alone. Maybe I am the one that is broken. I'm extremely confused and although at the end of the day my children are what is most important i feel i need to serve them better if I am happy.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

If you are the kind of person who bails because he doesn't get his way, then by all means leave. I mean PLEASE leave because you are not doing your children any favors by staying and making certain their environment is one of mayhem and upheaval all the time. The last thing they need is you claiming you care so much for them, when your thoughts and actions prove otherwise on a daily basis. You are not fooling anyone but yourself.

If, on the other hand, you have the mental and emotional fortitude to stick it out and work on the relationship to make it better and work on yourself to make you a better person, then yours would not be the first marriage to be saved by trying.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I should add that if you don't do the work, the next marriage will turn out the same way, and you'll want out of that one too.


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