# Going crazy over jealous feelings about my wife's male friends



## artfuldodger392 (8 mo ago)

Hi all,

Feel like I've been slowly losing my mind over the past two years or so with jealousy, loneliness, and paranoia and I hate the toll it's taking on my otherwise wonderful relationship with my wife of 20 years. 

In the past there have never been any issues like this. This all started when my wife found a hobby shortly before Covid hit that she really fell in love with. She started spending 2, then 4, and eventually around 15 hours a week doing this hobby. Trying to avoid specifics here, but the hobby is a group class. She would also start going to class and coming home 5, 10, 30 minutes early and late. She would wake up at 6:30 on Saturday and not be home until 12:30. 

During this time she got to be close friends with many people there, both male and female. One guy she worked with one on one and eventually had to stop that because he was showing signs of being too into her (not romantically, just emotionally). 

Another guy she would text with, I don't know, a hundred plus times a day. We went out on a double date with his wife once who said something along the lines of "Yeah, our kids wondered if [Guy] was going to run off with you because of how much you talk! Hah!". Both of us felt this was a clear warning from the wife and she cut off that relationship. 

My wife is incredibly extroverted, finds people fascinating, and is a huge talker. It's something that I love about her. For most of our marriage we just haven't had much of a social circle, so she dove head first into this. 

When Covid hit she dedicated a huge amount of time to working with other people in this hobby to help out. This lead to her having even more social contact with them. Over the course of the year she exchanged over 80,000 text messages to these people. Most were to a handful, maybe a half dozen, of her closest friends. Several of those are male. 

Since that time, we have probably spent a hundred hours talking with each other about this. I finally realized that I was incredibly jealous and was exhibiting some pretty bad behavior (anger, controlling, passive aggressiveness). She recognized that she was way too involved with these people and this hobby. She cut things way back -- her time at the hobby by about half, and the texting a whole lot.

Today things are so much better, but I still have issues. When she goes to her hobby she will guaranteed spend another 15-60 minutes after hanging out. She still probably exchanges hundreds and hundreds of texts per day. 

I know all of her friends and actually really like all of them. We have had them over for dinner or just hanging out dozens of times. They show no signs that I am worried about (unlike one of the guys mentioned above). They are all married. 

I just can't get over my jealousy. I know it is specific to her male friends because she will go hang out with a female friend and I have no problem whatsoever. I trust her 100%. I've read her texts in the past and there was nothing at all resembling an emotional affair. But she will go on a two hour work with one friend, or hang out for an extra hour after class with another, and when I see the clock my chest will tighten, my breathing will constrict, my heart will race and I really have to work on calming myself down so I don't get angry. 

The texting is tough too. She used to text one of her friends for an hour every night instead of hanging out with me. That has almost completely changed but I'm still incredibly sensitive to it. 

Am I crazy? I think to some extent I am -- this feels like jealousy without any real reasons. I had a tough childhood in regards to low self-esteem and loneliness and absolutely feel that's playing a part here.

I just don't know what is fair to ask of her. I love her having these friendships overall. Our relationship, outside of this issue, is extremely healthy and loving. I hate to come across as controlling which she's understandably very sensitive to. 

I guess if I had the choice I would ask her to limit her time with these friends. Limit the texting. Sure stay 20 minutes after class but not an hour. A walk is totally fine but maybe not 90 minutes every week. 

Is that reasonable? Even writing it makes me feel controlling. Unfortunately I just have no idea if these feelings that I have are excessive. So much of them stem from the past years when her behavior really was unacceptable. She has changed so much there but I still feel like my brain is reacting the way it did back then. 

Thank you all very much for any thoughts.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Her behavior is completely unacceptable. To spend that much time in a hobby that is male dominated and then on top of that spend that much time communicating with these guys too is so disrespectful. We had another poster a few months back who had a wife spending similar amount of time with guys doing a sport and socializing afterwards. Many here suspected that there was something going on between one of the players and his wife but nothing was ever found. Even though he was in a sexless marriage, he insisted nothing was going on. 

Don’t put your guard down because the guy(s) are married. The number of threads we have that included the WW having her betrayed husband interact with her OM is substantial.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

You can offer your wife a polygraph test to relieve your stress.say that you can request this at certain periods.

Even if you say you trust your wife, you have doubts.

It's okay to be uncomfortable with her spending long hours with other guys. Most ea/pa's are experienced in this type of interaction.

I would recommend using a polygraph rather than harming your mental health or relationships.

There may be those who doubt polygraph tests or who do not consider it appropriate to use them for trust issues.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I like the idea of a polygraph. I am wondering though, where do you go to get a polygraph done?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Why are we getting a polygraph done again? Because she gets caught up talking?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I had to stop reading after the statement she texts another guy over 100 times in a day.

Sir, you need to get out of the house and live your life. The relationship may end, or not.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I am very old school.

IMO Opposite Sex Friends are a minefield for a marriage. Just waiting for right circumstances to explode. Anywhere your wife associates with other males should include your attendance.

If she is getting up 0630 to go out to her club, you go with her. 

Texting some other dude 100 times a day is over the line. Does she text you that often? Talk to you that often? 

That other guys wife was on target! She let your wife know to tend to her own husband and leave the guy alone.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Her behavior is completely unacceptable. To spend that much time *in a hobby that is male dominated* and then on top of that spend that much time communicating with these guys too is so disrespectful.


Could have picked that hobby on purpose for that reason.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

married woman should not be texting guys. a married guy should not be texting women
unless this is about work and work only ( and this even questionable)
I'm against having friends from the opposite sex

99.9% of men thing of one thing when having a female from the opposite sex - and you know what it is 

your wife is showing signs of soon to be an emotional affair if she is not already in one. she is seeking attention and validation from other people.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

artfuldodger392 said:


> So much of them stem from the past years when her behavior really was unacceptable. She has changed so much there but I still feel like my brain is reacting the way it did back then.


What was her unacceptable behavior in the past?
Whatever it was, do you fear it's happening again since you mention your brain is reacting the way it did back then?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

so_sweet said:


> What was her unacceptable behavior in the past?
> Whatever it was, do you fear it's happening again since you mention your brain is reacting the way it did back then?


Wow, I didn’t pick up on that.

0P, what was the unacceptable behavior in the past?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Yes, if the unacceptable behavior was cheating or even excessive flirting with men, then her developing friendships with men is unacceptable. Friends of the "hey how are you doing" nature when she sees them is one thing.

Hanging out or texting them over 100 times a day, nope.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

100's of texts a day? I mean what do they need to say? It certainly wouldn't be something I would accept in a marriage.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> 100's of texts a day? I mean what do they need to say? It certainly wouldn't be something I would accept in a marriage.


It was likely a back and forth game trying to see which one starts a dialogue that is flattering then leading to signaling of interest.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Would this hobby happen to be pickle ball? LOL, jut asking cause it is vaguely similar to another thread here.

I'm one that believes opposite sex friends among married people is a bad idea, beyond being casual acquaintances, or being friends as couples. I know some will think that is controlling or whatever, but I completely believe every male/female friendship has a chance to become romantic. When that friendship involves physical proximity several hours a week and hundreds of daily texts it has long passed the line into inappropriate behavior. Honestly, I wouldn't be happy with my wife texting female friends at that frequency. Even if you throw gender out of the picture she is dedicating a lot of time and energy into that hobby vs the marriage. Is everything else good in the marriage? Good sex life?

You even have an example where the wife of one of these guys sees the same thing you are seeing, so this isn't just you. I personally would be asking my wife to stop the hobby or at least restrict the hobby to the actual activity, not all the staying late or going early. And stop all the texting that doesn't have anything to do with the hobby.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> if the unacceptable behavior was cheating or even excessive flirting with men


That's what I was thinking it probably was when I asked in my post above. 
OP, I hope everything works out well for you in your marriage.


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## artfuldodger392 (8 mo ago)

Thanks for the replies so far.

I should probably have emphasized that we overall have a very healthy relationship. We spend several hours each day watching shows, playing board games, and have a hobby of our own that we go out and do together several hours a week. We also have a very physical relationship, and she's very much the initiator there.

As for the unacceptable behavior: That was when she was spending 20+ hours a week at her classes (and before and after), and then spending an hour plus texting, sending those 100+ messages I was referring to. Nowadays, she's at classes about two hours a week and maybe sends a dozen text messages max to these friends. So things have changed drastically. 

I have seen some of these 100+ text conversations. Actually, and I somewhat regret this, I read through the entire text history she had for months with these friends. I could not find a single inappropriate comment on either end. And not even anything that bordered on emotional connection (i.e. "my husband was such a jerk today" or even "I'm sad"). It was nearly all about the hobby. With her female friends she did share more emotional things, but I don't have the same issues there. 

Does that clarification change anything? I was surprised with some of these responses but want to make sure I'm not putting her in a worse light. Like I said if I posted this a year ago with all those messages and time hanging out it would have been different, but things have changed a lot.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My hobbies are male dominated too. It requires really tight boundaries so when I go to a group run and it's mostly men I don't hang out for an hour. I run, chat for 5-10 minutes then leave. And I sure as hell don't text any of them socially. I do have a few guys that might text and ask if they're doing an upcoming race or are going to a group run but it ends there.

If there are women there I chat them up and I do have running girlfriends.

Your wife has poor boundaries and likes the attention, that's why you're bothered.

She needs to stop texting men. Guaranteed the wives think she's trash (I've seen this many times). That's what the other wife basically said with her comment.

And I'd recommend that you start going with her as you can. I know many couples where one runs and the other doesn’t but they still show up to races together. People should think of you when they see her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

artfuldodger392 said:


> Thanks for the replies so far.
> 
> I should probably have emphasized that we overall have a very healthy relationship. We spend several hours each day watching shows, playing board games, and have a hobby of our own that we go out and do together several hours a week. We also have a very physical relationship, and she's very much the initiator there.
> 
> ...


I typed my other response before I saw this. I'm glad she cut back...that's a good sign.

I stand by my comment though and still think she doesn't need to be texting other women's husbands. That's trashy and disrespectful to your marriage even if she doesn't mean anything by it.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

artfuldodger392 said:


> As for the unacceptable behavior: That was when she was spending 20+ hours a week at her classes (and before and after), and then spending an hour plus texting, sending those 100+ messages I was referring to. Nowadays, she's at classes about two hours a week and maybe sends a dozen text messages max to these friends. So things have changed drastically.


Thanks for clearing that up. I'm sorry that I thought it was cheating or flirting but I'm happy I was wrong!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

artfuldodger392 said:


> Thanks for the replies so far.
> 
> I should probably have emphasized that we overall have a very healthy relationship. We spend several hours each day watching shows, playing board games, and have a hobby of our own that we go out and do together several hours a week. We also have a very physical relationship, and she's very much the initiator there.
> 
> ...


Why did they need to exchange 100 texts a day? What could they possibly need to say that many times. 
Do you guys not work? You seem to spend most the day out doing hobbies or doing stuff indoors together.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems her manic stage never lets her down.

Cut back on any stimulants she may be taking.

She is not on Adderall, Ritalin or some other _ants-in-the-pants_ medication, is she?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

artfuldodger392 said:


> Thanks for the replies so far.
> 
> I should probably have emphasized that we overall have a very healthy relationship. We spend several hours each day watching shows, playing board games, and have a hobby of our own that we go out and do together several hours a week. We also have a very physical relationship, and she's very much the initiator there.
> 
> ...


The hobby pickleball?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The hobby pickleball?


Ah ah... you beat me to it!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

artfuldodger392 said:


> Even writing it makes me feel controlling.


It sounded more like you were placing limits on a child that is playing too many video games or something. “Now Jimmy you can play for one hour after homework and you need to be done by 10pm because we’re coming to collect the Xbox.”

I think having a discussion with her where you line up how you feel and that you think her interactions in particular the texting are out of line is reasonable, once.

After you’ve told her and she continues to do this there’s a problem there and she needs to figure it out. You don’t want to be the “man text police” so I’d approach as, “Is there anything different I need to be doing to get you to stop this because I can do that.” If not, then she’s basically saying she doesn’t care if you’re getting bent out of shape or not.

Reading your message it seems maybe over the top, but then again her text counts to these guys also seem out of line.

My wife PMs some of her male friends from school and I’ll catch her sometimes typing away at 1am even. Thing is I met them and they’re losers. I don’t feel threatened by them in the slightest.

So maybe another thing to think about is should you feel threatened by these guys or is it irrational?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Ah ah... you beat me to it!


For some of us here, it will always be the pickleball. 

I'm forever changed.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> For some of us here, it will always be the pickleball.
> 
> I'm forever changed.


Yep, me too...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds like your wife was bored and found something to fill her life up with. And now that's all she does. What I think is that your wife needs to get a job because it seems to be that she has too much time on her hands. If she's going to immerse herself in something it might as well be something that benefits everyone and then she could still do a little of that on the side.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

artfuldodger392 said:


> Feel like I've been slowly losing my mind over the past two years or so with jealousy, loneliness, and paranoia and I hate the toll it's taking on my otherwise wonderful relationship with my wife of 20 years.


It's not such a wonderful relationship. 
She put you 2 years of hell; OMG jealousy, loneliness and paranoia.
STOP blaming yourself for feeling like that given the scale of it. Anyone would. You did the right thing to snoop. Who wouldn't. But you even feel guilty about doing that. DON'T!
You're still suffering the consequences, probably because it took her too long to scale back, the 100 hours thing. Why did it take so long? She's not dumb.
And the fact she let it get to that in the first place? Sounds like she wasn't bothered enough about your feelings.
Maybe you're concerned that she'll slowly start upping it again?



artfuldodger392 said:


> Another guy she would text with, I don't know, a hundred plus times a day. We went out on a double date with his wife once who said something along the lines of "Yeah, our kids wondered if [Guy] was going to run off with you because of how much you talk! Hah!". Both of us felt this was a clear warning from the wife and she cut off that relationship.


Again, she's not dumb. She knew quite well it was 'off' to be texting someone's husband as @lifeistooshort said. His kids commented on it? Imagine how his wife felt. Did your wife feel very ashamed afterwards? She should have, 



artfuldodger392 said:


> Is that reasonable? Even writing it makes me feel controlling. Unfortunately I just have no idea if these feelings that I have are excessive. So much of them stem from the past years when her behavior really was unacceptable. She has changed so much there but I still feel like my brain is reacting the way it did back then.


The worst thing about your post is your self-blame; e.g. you still have issues, you're controlling, your feelings are excessive. Frankly, she put you 2 years of hell when you even suspected she might be having an affair (entirely reasonable).
It has left you with the legacy of what you feel now.
I'll say it again, she's not dumb. Do you really think she thought you didn't mind?
I suspect it has left you with fear/insecurity. Maybe a therapist can tease it out with you?

How would she have reacted if you did that?

I'm very curious to know what the hobby is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I guess when you get proof that she’s banging one of her guy “friends”, you’ll blame yourself that you pushed her into his arms, your insecurities caused her to stray, your controlling nature pushed her away, etc etc.

your wife is an attention seeking, man hunting monster and that isn’t going to change. Instead of giving her the boot, you’ll just accept more YEARS of her obvious unacceptable behavior with other men, all while blaming yourself.

you can blame whomever you want, but taking accountability from your wife is just enabling her to continue and eventually (if not already) have an affair.

This kind of weakness never gets anything but a broken marriage. The only thing that changes behavior like your wife’s are harsh consequences. Gotta be willing to give them or accept what is happening.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

In 2022, a man's wife can spend hours a day talking to and hanging out with other men and the HUSBAND thinks HE'S the one with the problem. That's just sad.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

You're lonely while she's interacting with friends? Male friends to boot? Nope. Your spouse comes first. Opposite sex friends are just asking for trouble IMO. Where your attention goes your heart follows. Her attention is in all the wrong places.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Con


thissucks7788 said:


> I like the idea of a polygraph. I am wondering though, where do you go to get a polygraph done?


Contact your local parole office. Sex offenders on parole are usually polygrapher at least yearly. Ask them for contact info on who they use.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yeah… that other wife’s comment, ouch. I don’t text anyone’s husband, ever.

You, and your wife can go blue in the face saying there’s nothing in those texts that’s in appropriate… but the fact is, she’s texting other men regularly. That’s bad in itself.

So while you and she can claim it’s innocent, she’s still waiting for that ‘ping’ much of the day and night. Addictive, isn’t it?

We had a ‘husband texter’ in our circle about a decade ago. Plenty of wives didn’t like it, innocent as it was, of course. There was never anything in appropriate in her texts at all, but but but. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She actually used the words I’m offended every time a wife stepped up and said hey stop, it’s not cool. Very offended she was, and it was then we could see what her game was, because she would need a lot of talking with the women every time a wife ‘offended’ her. See, she was so innocent until it got to the point that people were stepping up and calling her out, and then of course she was calling the wives controlling and jealous. And of course a couple somewhere is having problems, because the husband is usually hooked on her texting. There’s a drama when it has to stop and he probably agrees with the husband texter. All this fuss, why can’t we be texting!?! We weren’t doing anything wrong! And there’s a little bond formed. See where it goes?

Your wife might not want to have an affair but it sounds like she likes to stir the pot a little. And that she really likes to win, and compete with other women, and cause friction between other couples. Innocently enough 😏

You’re not at all crazy or controlling. (Controlled spouses wouldn’t dare engage in the behaviour she is. They’re isolated from friends and don’t have any hobbies.)

But I’d stay back from these little triangles and let the other wives deal with her. And back off a little when the drama does happen, and the consequences flow. Husband texters usually have a very active hobby for a short time until things blow up and some consequences flow. Your wife is already the talk of the town among the women of the men she’s texting, and I can see this hobby eventually fizzling without you even having to place any restrictions on her. Don’t even go there, it’s time to let her have some social consequences and she’ll do that herself eventually. Like all self-absorbed competitive people, they soon encounter a fall where they don’t come out on top. She won’t have an affair, she just likes drama.


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