# Did I do the right thing confronting the AP?



## Daeuid (Feb 19, 2014)

My wife and I have been separated for several months now. One of the reasons the separation was initiated was because of her time spent with what I believe to be an AP. During the time separated I have tried to work on myself and on my issues regarding the marriage, while also retaining a good standing, friendly relationship with my wife. Yet she still continues to pursue the AP. I suspect she texts and calls him multiple times per week, although I can not see her phone to know for sure. They get together at LEAST once per week to hang out, often times with our kids.

Recently I had ask her if I could spend the evening with her and the kids. She very politely turned me down, claiming she had shopping to do. Yet in the way she turned me down, I could tell there was something else she had planned. I suspected that she had made plans for the AP to visit the house that evening, but didn't want to tell me about it.

So that evening I went to her house, and saw his vehicle in the driveway. I parked my vehicle a small distance away, and walked to the house. I looked in the living room window, and saw the AP laying on the floor with one of the children watching TV. I knocked on the door, and no one answered. So I knocked again and the EA answered the door, and let me in. I sat down on the couch, and he returned to the floor to watch TV. I ask him where my wife was, and he said she was putting the other child to bed. I then ask him if he was enjoying his date, at which he said it wasn't a date. My wife shortly thereafter arrived in the room, and I confronted her about why she rejected my request to spend time with the family, for her EA. She of course defended her actions, stating that she wasn't sure he would come over or not and that she did go shopping. I then ask the EA if he frequently laid around in married women's houses. At this point he got agitated and decided it was time to leave. I told him not to leave. My wife at that point told me not to verbally attack him, at which point I stopped because my issue really is with my wife. I ask her why she hid him from me, as she has hid him or aspects of him from me in the past few months. She claimed she didn't want me to get mad. At this point the AP told me they were just friends, and that's all. I ask him at that point to put himself in my shoes, would he feel the same way I do? Did he see how suspicious this looked? He looked right at me, and agreed with me. I ask my wife, if this is so innocent, why do you always hid it, like its a dirty act? I then left, leaving them both in the living room.

So as I was driving back home, my wife called basically to say she wanted a divorce. I told her to wait a week because she was just mad, and then decide.

But here is the part I don't understand. A few days later my wife had a piece of furniture that she had purchased and needed moved. She ask her AP to help her move it. She called me and told me that the AP told her to call me and inform me he was going to be at the house. Why did he do that?

Did I overreact to the situation? I often times feel like I did, yet another side of me is glad I did it, although I believe it is the straw that broke the camels back with regard to the marriage. My wife always claimed it was innocent, their friendship. He is an old friend of hers, knowing her even before I was in the picture. Yet to me it seems like he is my replacement, spending time in our old house, eating dinner and watching TV with the kids and the wife.

(This was posted in the Going through Seperation forum, but was suggested I post it here instead.)


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

That guy is a total POS and he knows it.

It was good you told him straight to his face what he was doing.

Expose the A to both of your families and file for D first.

Then go dark on her unless it has to do with the kids or the D.

And expose this POS for what he is.

Tell everyone he knows what a piece of s**t he is for playing family with another man's kids and W.

Post his useless a** up on Cheaterville so everyone can find out what a scummy piece of filth he truly is.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Overreact? I would've half killed the SOB. 

And I'm dead serious here.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Do what you should have already done. File. Men dont really have EA's. And your wife knows this. He is either hitting it or about to.

When you catch your wife with her Affair Partner, with your kids around, and she ask YOU for a divorce.

Give it to her.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Overreact? I would've half killed the SOB.

And I'm dead serious here."

Yep.

If I ever had the misfortune to walk in on a POS interacting with my kids like that, the motherf****r would be leaving minus a few of his teeth at least.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I would see other men if I were separated and my husband lived elsewhere. I wouldn't lie about it but I always thought that's what a separation in a marriage was about, or why else separate?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "Overreact? I would've half killed the SOB.
> 
> And I'm dead serious here."
> 
> ...


At the very least! Damn....this has my heart racing. I had to walk outside for a minute just to collect my breath.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I would see other men if I were separated and my husband lived elsewhere. I wouldn't lie about it but I always thought that's what a separation in a marriage was about, or why else separate?


Depends on the separation 'terms' I suppose.

If it is a separation prior to divorce and it is agreed that you will live completely separate lives then ok. However there are also provisos such as no boyfriends/girlfriends around the children.

If it is a separation to help sort out a marital problem, to give each other some breathing space from a tense situation then no.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....maybe I'm twisted in my views on 'separation' ....but I never viewed it as a time to party till your ass falls off. The fact that people do separate rather than immediately divorce, always had me thinking that reflection and having cooler heads may lead people to work things out.

...of course ...there can always be "terms" ...but if the terms allow for dating and whatever may follow ...then, what's the point? Just divorce, and get it over with ...without having the opportunity to irrevocably damage your spouse ....regardless of how you feel about them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is bull crap!
Why is your old lady bringing her sh!t into the kids lives?
Your kids don't need to be around your old ladies friend, their still jacked up about the whole separation and yet your old lady head phucks them by spending time with AP and the kids...this should never be combined and her selfish bull crap is so damn wrong.

You did good and showed your kid that it was not except able for mommy to have a boyfriend while still married.

Your old lady is way off base and I'd get a lawyer involved to prevent this from ever happening again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I know in some states, spouses have to live apart for a year before divorce. I don't know what terms about visitation and children were worked out. Is there a written agreement? Joint. Custody?

Unless there is an agreement, separation means seeing who you want.

I don't consider it cheating if you are separated. Who can be around your children is a matter for the courts I suppose. I went straight from married to divorce. 

I think if there is a physical separation, it usually is a waiting period to date and make a choice or get out of an unhappy home while in therapy. I don't see a reason to move out if you have children and are in a reconciliation mode.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW how much did the back round check cost for the AP?

Please tell me you at least Googled the guy that's hanging around your kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I would see other men if I were separated and my husband lived elsewhere. I wouldn't lie about it but I always thought that's what a separation in a marriage was about, or why else separate?


I think this is a 'depends'... Separation, who wants in, one party or both? The cheater wants it, has sex, it's still adultery...


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

This is why BH's are never to move out of the house. It not only lets the WW move the OM in/have him over with your kids.

It also makes the BH lose legal standing as to who gets the house, custody, CS, etc.

Move back. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Read it and learn how to expose this affair then do it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I would see other men if I were separated and my husband lived elsewhere. I wouldn't lie about it but I always thought that's what a separation in a marriage was about, or why else separate?


I am not sure that this is the universal understanding of a separation. Sometimes you need to cool off if you have been abusive to each other but do want to have a go at repairing the marriage. In this case, it still means that you are married and are monogamous.

If you have filed for divorce and are waiting out your separation period then that may be a different matter. I don't know that this is the case here. OP says that they separated because she started up with this POSOM already (at least an EA) and he needed to clear his head and I would assume that she needed to do the same. However, this would have been a really bad move as some of the others are saying, as this only gave her more space to continue her affair.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I would see other men if I were separated and my husband lived elsewhere. I wouldn't lie about it but I always thought that's what a separation in a marriage was about, or why else separate?


Seeing other men while separated is completely different from having this man over to play daddy with your kids when you're not even divorced yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Exactly and if it was on the up and up she would not have lied.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Seeing other men while separated is completely different from having this man over to play daddy with your kids when you're not even divorced yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really different.

You want to date then you do not separate you get divorced.

Married people do not date.

All too often the WW uses the I want a separation to get the BH out of the house and out of the way so she can carry on her affair at will.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

And this is another reason why I think separation is a stupid idea. How many times on TAM have we seen this happen? In my own counseling practise, this is the norm when folks separate.

Last year, my wife was texting men, saying we were separated (living in the same house) and she was pursuing a D. In her mind she could date and she did. First we never talked about being separated though I had started the process for D.

It is a mindset I have seen over and over again, separation means I am free to do and see whomever I want and whatever I want.

I don't agree with the actions of your wife but she does not see it that way and there are many others who would do exactly what your wife has done.

She has no respect for you.

And why in the world would you tell her to wait a week to cool down?

D this clown and get it over with already. She has already move on with the dude. 

Why plead with her? Why beg her? Why not end the M?

I don't mean this in a nasty way but dude, you are looking pathetic. Many of us have been there. Stop it.

Start the 180 and file.

Vent here but start the process to detach.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

You did learn something important. She knows it’s wrong enough to hide it. People don’t lie about, coverup or need to justify things they know are perfectly fine. She knows she is doing wrong and is doing it anyway. And when called out on it, instead of trying to alleviate and respect your concerns... she jumps to an ultimatum. Do people really decide to divorce because their spouse expresses that they are uncomfortable about being lied to? Not really... 

It’s more likely that if my thoughts about him are true, he wouldn’t be on the menu as long as she is still married. She's pursuing him.. I just base this on he's obviously questioning her with "Does your husband know I'll be with you? You should call him.". So, she’s wanting to remove that excuse so he can openly date her and escalate the relationship. She just needs you out of the way because separation wasn’t enough. What would be a fine ending is divorce, and she gets rejected by him because she’s only friend material and couldn’t ever feel secure in a real relationship with her knowing how she is (deceptive, manipulating, and lacking empathy). Acceptable traits for a drinking buddy, but not for a committed relationship. 

So she went ‘all in’... lol. Accept her terms; Divorce takes time anyway and can always be stopped down the road or you can remarry when you deem she’s worth having by your side again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

To protect your rights you probably need to pack your bags and move back into your house. I ssume you are still paying the bills. You can be accused of abandonment in some states by leaving the kids and moving out.

Have the two of you been going to counseling? How have you been working on the marriage?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Daeuid said:


> So as I was driving back home, my wife called basically to say she wanted a divorce. I told her to wait a week because she was just mad, and then decide.


Sadly she decided a while ago. The Separation was her way of breaking it to you gently.. She never had intentions of coming back it seems to me at least.

I've said this several times and will say it again. What I have learned is woman check out long before men do.. Men can decide to leave then spin back around and come right back. 

But woman, Your soon to be ex wife was pondering this LONG ago.. Longer then when you found out, longer before she asked for a separation. 

This man has been in the picture at least since she asked you for the separation, but is now coming out of hiding because you guys are "*separated"*

Sadly you need to put on your *REAL BIG BOY PANTS ON NOW* because she is going to hit you with a divorce.. 

Sadly yet again you have no evidence to prove she was cheating so your just going to look like some jealous baby who can't handle the divorce or her being with another man.


But trust me she isn't mad.. My wife tried the same thing.. *"Maybe we should just get separated for a bit and try to work things out"*

When I said no, she moved in with the other man 2 months later. 

Find good friends, Find a therapist.. Find a shoulder to cry on within your family if you can.. I know this is hard and it will only feel worse soon. Expect the worst and hope for the best.. 

But please don't be surprised if you find this man moving in with her within the next few months..

Unfortunately you are still in denial as that simple quote shows.. 

I was in denial myself.. Fortunately things turned out extremely well for me and divorce was the best thing for me.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Daeuid said:


> My wife and I have been separated for several months now. One of the reasons the separation was initiated was because of her time spent with what I believe to be an AP. During the time separated I have tried to work on myself and on my issues regarding the marriage, while also retaining a good standing, friendly relationship with my wife. Yet she still continues to pursue the AP. I suspect she texts and calls him multiple times per week, although I can not see her phone to know for sure. They get together at LEAST once per week to hang out, often times with our kids.
> 
> Recently I had ask her if I could spend the evening with her and the kids. She very politely turned me down, claiming she had shopping to do. Yet in the way she turned me down, I could tell there was something else she had planned. I suspected that she had made plans for the AP to visit the house that evening, but didn't want to tell me about it.
> 
> ...


Been separated for several months. You know she's seeing another man. You find him with her, around your kids. And you think one week is going to change anything?

You were buying time for you not her.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah. Its always bad for betrayed spouses to move out. Like i said she knows its wrong or she would not have lied.

If your spouse cheats R or D anything else is moot.

Your marriage is over. File first.

You


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She's been banging her BF in your old bed, with the kids in the house. You do realize this, don't you?

Move back in and make her take her tramping somewhere else, AWAY from your kids. I'd get a VAR and have it on anytime she's near you.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> *That guy is a total POS *and he knows it.
> 
> It was good you told him straight to his face what he was doing.
> 
> ...


And so is your poor excuse for a "wife." She's already checked out, so you might as well, too. I think you can do a lot better, and probably won't have to look too hard to find a much better partner.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

She is well on the way to replacing you with him and got upset that you rocked her boat and plans when you confronted him. You did absolutely the right thing to confront him. He is afraid of what you might do next which is why he is making sure that you know he is going to be there. Do not read anything noble into his actions - he knows exactly why he is there. No red-blooded male is going to be around supporting his female friend while he has a relationship to go back to - she is his relationship. If not, what does his gf/wife think about this behaviour ? She is his gf now.

You need to determine what you want to do next. In any case blow this whole thing up - expose, let friends, family etc know make it a case of cheating and don't confuse it with separation, marital problems etc.

Then do what you need to do in mending yourself, protecting yourself and yours etc.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I think the issue isn't with your wife. It's with the fact that he's "filling in as dad". And I'm serious about that.

Look your wife is going to do what she wants. She's done with the marriage (sorry) and no amount of time, separation etc is going to fix that.

Move one and insist that she give your kids the appropriate time to grieve and adjust. Her bringing in a pseudo-replacement dad is very damaging to the kids.


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