# Passive counselors or are they doing their job?



## imahrguru

I am so frustrated with counseling right now. My husband and I are not getting anywere. I feel like he's is a professional liar on his recount of anything. He then gets sweet after the session like he didn't spin a web of deception for the past hour. I want to hit him! We have a married couple who are our counselors that come to our house bi-weekly. I feel like they just don't come out and hold us accountable for anything. My husband is the slob among slobs, yet he mentions that he hates it when i put the trash by the front door. I put the trash by the front door b/c i think it's his job to take out the trash. His responsibilities include, going to work, paying the bills (bimonthly), and doing the yard work. I ask that he has one inside house chore and that is to take the trash out on his way out the door in the morning. Is that so hard? I am expected to clean every other aspect of the house. I am a stay at home mom to a 2 year old and a one year old. I clean all day. I clean messes all day. He works from 5am-330pm 4 days a week. 2 days a week he takes 3 college classes and then has off on Sunday. I know its alot. I get up at 6am 3 days a week and by 7-8 am every other day. I am with kids that cry, whine, and fight all day and all night. I get 1.5 hours of a break to myself about 3 times a week. I'm burnt out. He naturally only needs 5 hours of sleep and is awake from 2:30am- 9:30pm every night. He gets 2 hrs in the am to himself, and about 2 hours at night, plus lunch breaks, time between classes, and the drive to/from home. 7 hours of breaks daily to himself vs. 1.5 hours of time to myself. Unbalanced? I should say so. He has given our one son a bath three times in his whole life and never given our other son a bath ever. He has a freaking mountain of clothes by his bed, but complains if i leave a piece of lettuce in the sink. On the nights he cooks, he just leaves everything on the stove for me to clean that night or the next day. He is a slob, yet complains in counseling that I don't do enough. How is it that I was considered anal before marriage and now am the one being accused of being messy. They say it's a deeper issue of not feeling appreciated on both sides. I said the only way for me not to leave the trash by the front door is if I do it as he will let it pile up. He then says, "This is why I don't say anything b/c she reacts this way." I said, "Help me to understand. What do you suggest, if I dont put the trash at the front door and you don't do the trash, then I have to give in and do the trash, as well. I ask him in the trash example how would he respond in my situation. He says he doesn't know. I said, "If you don't know how you would respond, then how do you expect me to know??? If you don't take the trash outside and I don't put it out the door and you don't do the trash, then isn't the only conclusion that I say, then I do the trash on top of everything else?" Is that not just saying he wants me to do the trash and he can make a complete mess of the house and I do it all. He gets off of work at the end of the day, but I don't? How is that fair? Does he think I sit on my butt all day?  I started taking video of the house when he says something so my friend can see how messy he is and then see how me leaving one pair of jeans on the floor is what he has the nerve to complain about in front of his mt. vesuvius (sp) of clothes he keeps by the bed. So I started having the house looking like a hotel before he comes home at 4pm and then staying up late cleaning so he sees it clean first thing in the morning as he walks out the door. Yet, he still complains about me leaving something out on the counter for an hour before going back and cleaning up after myself. I clean all freaking day. God forbid, I take a break. Yet he leaves things out for weeks, months, and years! He cleaned his side of the bed for the first time in a 18 months!! Why can't they cut through the crap and tell us what's wrong? Are they afraid of us not trusting them if they call us on the carpet on something? Are they trying to get us to come to our own solutions? I am so impatient. I"m rambling, but so pissed, I can't sleep. I am so stressed and pissed that I just want to hit him or throw something. Help me!!


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## diwali123

What kind of counselors are they? And how long have you been seeing them? I think that they are probably still getting a feel for what is going on with you two. And my head hurt just reading that. You are both so stressed but it sounds to me like you ate more stressed and he can't get that. What kind of degrees and background do these counselors have?
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## diwali123

Also please stop trying to please him via cleaning. He isn't upset about that. He doesn't know what to complain about so he picked that. People will often choose something they know makes no sense and then you fix it and they still complain about it. Don't run yourself ragged for no reason. No matter how clean the house is he will still fund something to complain about. He has resentments and doesn't know how to voice them properly. They might be valid issues but until he can get to a place in counseling where all the surface complaints are recognized for being a facade he will keep coming up with false reasons why he's upset.
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## EleGirl

There are deeper problems. Perhaps they are trying to figure out what those are and how to fix the deeper ones. Or maybe this is their style, to let the two of you contue to rant about cleaning until YOU TWO figure out what the real problems are.

I agree that on the surface it sounds like your husband is being a jerk with his huge pile of clothing complaining about little things you don't pick up quickly.

I agree.. both of you feel unapreciatd. You obviously do not feel appreciated. My bet is that your husband does not either.

In your attempt to show how much easier your husband has it, you include his commute to/from work as his alone/down time. I would never call commute time down time.. it's part of work. This is why I live and 8 minute drive from work.

Instead of looking to your husband as your sole relief from the pressures of being a SAHM perhaps you could look to take more responsibility for your own well being.

For example there are mom day out programs at Chruches and probably other places. You could take advantage of those. Drop your children off and take a morning or afternoon for yourself to do things that make you feel good.

Do you have family or friend that would help and watch your children? When my son was young I had a friend who had two children, one my son's age. We would take turns taking care of each others kid(s) so that each of us would have time to do things.

It also sounds like you are obsessive about house cleaning. Surely you can get most of it done before your husband gets home. One of the healthiest families I know has a rule that when dad comes home from work every night starts family time. At that point the family hangs out together and enjoys each other. The children go to sleep early and then it's mom/dad time. 

Two young children are a lot of work. You can find ways to help YOU lower the work level and the stress.

Stop trying to prove that your husband is inadequte and mean. I stead work on how you can make your load lighter. Bring that up in counseling and ask your husband and the couselors to brain storm solutions with you.


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