# Losing my wife to change



## losttoerotica (Dec 3, 2010)

Please bear with the length of the post. Ultimately, the result is the same - my wife has changed....and I am struggling with such change. 

About a year ago, she started to have a desire to go out more, and experience life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She has been a stay at home mom for eight years and naturally needs to "get out". She did during that time but perhaps not as much as she wanted or could have. 

However, over that year, the choice of venues and events has surprised me and sometimes hurt me. A close friend of hers cheated on her husband and my wife reached out to her to "help" her. (note - they are still together). However, this is the friend that my wife has been going out with the most. Over the summer time she went to a bondage club and participated in a "show". I did not know about it until later. She now goes to concerts, clubs and even 18+ clubs (my wife is 37). She is attempting to hang on to youth.

Along the way she has chosen to become an "erotica" author. She is sinking all her energies into it....during the day when the girls (8 & 5) are at home. She stays up at night until 3 or 4 am writing or "building" her stories. Recently she started a facebook account and a blog. She posts very explicit stories (at least in my mind). She states it is her fantasy world but she has created contacts with porn director and porn stars on there. 

In addition she flirts online, she has kissed other men (on the cheek) with me present and ultimately has even insulted me in her blog and writings for not being open to her chosen path. 

I am somewhat to blame - I am not the most open minded person but this goes against my religion and such. Last week I broke down in front of her and asked what had I done wrong. She stated "I know you are looking for reassurance, but right now I cannot give you any." She even stated she may want to leave religion.

Ultimately she is becoming a person I do not know. During the summer she made I statement - "I could not let my true self come out as I was afraid you would not want me anymore." That was the most hurtful thing she has ever said to me. I am having difficulties getting past it. Ultimately I feel like she deceived herself and myself. 

Back to erotica - it seems like an addiction at this time. Additionally she is experiencing a sexual awakening as she is not longer satisfied with our sex life (we usually made love/had sex 1-2x per week). She does not want that anymore....instead she wants to feel "raped" by me. She wants me to use household items on her (e.g. beer bottle). She wants ball gags, and leather straps. 

While I tried to spice things up I cannot bring myself to doing some of that. It is simply outside my comfort zone. 

She just seems to be a different person. I have consulted an attorney and while I am not ready to move forward I am very concerned. We are trying counseling but she is in denial. Her stance - "this is who I am and who I've always been". I wish she would have let me see her. 

Help....


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I hope someone with some insight finds this and can help, but there might not be many people with experience like this.

I would try to really understand what caused this change in her, but if she sees herself as that person, your only hope may be to meet her where she is at. 

The person your wife was or you thought she was may be gone forever, and its up to her too to decide to continue the relationship. 

Vows, for better or worse, go both ways, and the relationship would only work if BOTH you and her continue with it. 

Best of Luck. It was really sad to read your post, and I hope it works out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mention that you could not do "some of those things" so do what you can and try to take it as close as you dare to her level of sex. 

I believe sex is the glue that helps hold the marriage together. I personal like rough sex better then my wife so from time to time I slow it down. The slow and soft sex is hard for me to do but I know that makes her happy, and like wise the rough and hard sex is hard for her but it makes me happy so she plays the submissive. I quess what I'm saying is compromise. 

Good luck in stepping up the game. You may not have it in you but trying it will at least show an effort towards your wifes fetish needs.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Put a key logger on her computer, a gps and VAR in her car. She's cheating on you in the most kinky and shocking way. She did a public bondage show? Porn industry people? Build a case, you need to get custody.


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## losttoerotica (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks for the posts. I am disappointed I did not get more replies but I know it is a difficult situation. I did find out more......yesterday I was able to access a different facebook page. Plenty of male friends and plenty of "I love you baby". "My cream is sweet", "you are beautiful". I did not tell her I saw all this. Unreal.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

I have been through similar, not as explicit as you are going through though. I agree with zsu234! you need to take action NOW, search this forum for more info. Trust me there are many posts that here that can help you. THere are resources that help you put a stop to the cheating or at the very least allow you to end this marriage with some dignity. You are NOT alone, both men and women here have been through similar. 

Personally I left my marriage because of my ex cheating. I no longer had the desire to save it but that was my choice. You too will eventually have to make a choice, but before you do you need more info about what your wife is doing. 

Good luck!


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## losttoerotica (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks guys. I have 136 of facebook pages listing all kinds of relationships she has. All these men are from out of state. I don't think she is physically cheating on me, but she may be. regardless, to me, what she is doing is already inappropriate. Getting a key logger or gps will add to the pain and I think based on her facebook and writings I already have enough to fight for custody. Not to mention the sex toy addiction.

Problem is I have to "pretend" all is fine for another 44 days. Why? I have a trip coming up. I booked something a year ago (with her support and agreement) to go climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. I will be gone for 2 weeks. If I file anything now I will not only screw up my kids' holidays but I may have to explain why I need to be gone for two weeks. 44 days is not long to wait is it?

I also spoke to an attorney last week. Good advice. But i'm done with her. 136 pages!!!!!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would bring this up in counseling if you are still going as soon as possible. Don't wait 44 days. Before you leave this relationship, find out if your wife wants her current lifestyle more than you, and ask youself if you want to be divorced over trying to find a middle ground. Thats not saying having your wife continue with her current behavior is ok.

From your post it almost sounds like your wife is rebelling from you in a hurtful way, and doing things she KNOWS you aren't open to. If its still possible, I would bring all this up and see if she is willing to tell you the truth and make the marriage work, but I think the way your relationship used to be is gone. It would probably look very different.

I don't think your wife is EITHER the person you know now or the person you married. Find out what changed in her and why. Although what she did isn't appropriate, you may find yourself happier 2 years down the line after finding out who your wife really is.

I would suggest separating from your wife and giving this some time. In 3 days you went from looking for help to completely over. This is a VERY big and important choice you both need to make.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Women engaged in this porn/swinging/bondage lifestyle bring dangerous perverts into their lives. It's a lead pipe cinch one of these pervs is going to molest your little girls. You need to be utterly ruthless in denying her primary custody. 
She sounds like a sex addict and will do anything to get her fix. Talk to your attorney about how to build an air tight case against her. She is no longer your wife but a potentially dangerous threat to the safety of your girls. 
I have 3 daughters and if my wife was doing this I would be utterly ruthless and ensure she was marginilized as much as possible in my girls lives. You have no idea how dangerous this is, she is going to attract the scum of the earth and they will go after you daughters. It's time for you to go cold, dark and hard!


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Expose everything she is doing to anyone in her life that can influence her. Family, friends, work. You have no idea how dangerous this is. Go on offense!


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

I am in a similar situation. My husband began to go out more and more and has become a completely different person. This new person is not the man I married and is not someone I want to be with anymore. He also began to ask for sex in a fashion that I am not comfortable and will not do. You haven't done anything wrong. Something has caused your wife to change. It's possible that her friends are a bad influence on her and she is not respecting her marriage or her vows. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to fix this situation because she is the one who is in the wrong. Eventually you will have to decide to either wait for her to change back or leave her.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

She is a sex addict, you have to face that. This is certainly far more common in men, and usually is extremely devestating for any relationship. Here is my advice:

1. Find proof, find the evidence you need. Depending on the kind of phone she has, this could be very easy to track her, and key loggers are very easy to get a hold of. I'm certain she has a far deeper underground life than even you are aware of. This doesn't necessarily mean you are collecting this information for a custody/divorce case.

2. Inform her family, maybe her close friend or two who isn't aware of this. Tell them how serious it is, show them the proof, and let them know that you are on the verge of seeking a divorce which will NOT go well for her. At that point you have to leave your wife in their hands, and let them know that they may be the last chance for saving her. They need to convince her that she has a problem, that she could be sacrificing everything that is good in her life, creating a tremendously painful and life long scars for her children, and indeed, that a divorce under these conditions would NOT leave her well off at all. This could easily come in the form of an intervention. (If it does turn into an intervention, let me be 100% clear, you should have ZERO involvement in it)

I've been through some of this before with my wife, twice in fact over different issues but both were equally devestating issues.


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## losttoerotica (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks all. Yes, everyday keeps getting worse. I tried to rationalize with her and made no progress. Her standard answer is "this is who I am". I can no longer get a key logger on her machine as she put a password on it and she has an iPhone and I do not know how to get access to the text messages and such. She is out of control. My attorney advised to file ASAP as the information is very recent. I keep printing and printing. She is out with a friend again tonight.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

She's lost to her sexual addiction. Protect yourself as best as you can. 

Godspeed


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## grantjordan (Dec 14, 2010)

She is indulging in her fantasies online and in other ways and I have no doubt it will become physical as soon as you are away, if not already. 

As she said, this is her and nothing will change it. Just protect any children from the inevitable dangers that will come from her chosen lifestyle.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

followed you on loveshack and just wanted to get an update on how things are going you.

hope to hear from you soon'



p.s. loveshack thread it dead so I replied on here


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