# Iam on plan B



## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

I had been with my fiance for 8 yrs. Engaged 4. We have 2 children he raised with me for 7 yrs. But they r not biologically his he has no kids of his own or no xspouses. He ended up having an affair with a married coworker mother of 3 for a year. I found out about it 6 months into it & he begged me to let him work it out with me & we went to counseling per his suggestion. After some suspicious activity & a gut feeling, I found out he was with her still & found that the past 5 months were a false R bc I was too quick to forgive him after the first Dday when I kicked him out & let him come back without earning it.(which later I found our by the counselor, they made plans to leave their spouses & spend the rest of their lives together) Anyway , the affair was now going pb for almost a year, so I emailed her husband ( anonymously) & gave him the details they could not deny. So my fiance runs an errand & comes back depressed & with an oh sh**, look on his face, I had seen a blocked # on his phone & asked why did she call u? He said I couldn't tell u bc u would b mad & I asked why did u talk to her when ur not suppose to b. He said someone emailed her husband about the affair & she asked if it was me? I said why would it b u. Were u wanting him to leave her. He said its been over why would I try to get myself busted & fired from work. So he begged me again to stay. I was too upset..I said We will talk about it tomorrow. Well come the next day he goes to work, which I'm sure he talked to the AP, then comes home after work to say I don't know what I want. He was depressed about her from what I saw. I told him if he is unsure he needed to move out. Well he took a few things, & left to his parents home. In our last couples seeking that week he said she quit her job. Well I found she did quit & stayed with her husband & kids. So the last 6 months while she is @ home with her husband, my fiance has been on thee fence since & says its over but he doesn't know what HW wants still. In the 6 months I gave him an ultimatum to completely end the relationship or goto counseling to get out of this limbo state. That was 4 months ago. He said yes to counseling to just give minimal effort. So I told the counselor I wanted us to do IC till he made his mind up on his own & we could meet back 2 months later to give our decision. In this whole time of separation, he attended counseling & still provided for the kids & I financially, but communicaton became less & less unless it was by me. So in those 2 months the counselor said he goes all the time & does all his homework so she felt he was making progress to making a decision. Mind u I was the typical BS where in that time after discovery even after separation I begged pleaded & took blame. So he knew I never took a stand thus seeing I was a "given" so never had to choose. So the last 2 months I did a dark 180 bc I needed my strength back. It has helped. So we get to the last session to discuss the outcome & it was wired we hadn't seen or talked to each other in almost 2 months & I stopped taking $ from him & doing it all on my own. So the counselor says he will be leading the discussion since he didn't communicate that much with me @ other sessions or out of them, so he says I am nervous bc u r changing. U don't try to talk( Chase) to me anymore & financially u seem fine bc u haven't asked me for$. It seems like u don't need me anymore & I'm gonna loseu bc ur gonna leave. He then finally after such a long time takes responsibility for the affair & says he is too blame for me yelling @ him & waking him up in the middle of the night to yell @ him bc he deserved it. BUT then he says I'm not buying time, but in his famous words, he says Im still confused. So I said well I can't wait anymore. The counselor said its unhealthy to keep them in limbo. U r not trying like I've seen u do. She told him until u can start on a clean slate with complete honesty & 100% commitment& communication she is walking away & there can be no couples counseling or discussion of the relationship until u r willing to give a decision. So I feel IC is best @ this point. So I asked him to move his things completely out of our home he was shocked bc I was drawing my lines in the sand & following through. He came to get his things with hesitation..hoping is cave in..but I didn't. He was also shocked bc I had packed his things already & found I ended the lease to our home & moving on my own with the kids. He wad really sad it seemed but I knew it was the best decision for me & our kids. He left saying he still loves me & is continueing to work on himself to find an answer. I stayed pleasant the whole time & said that's good if that's what u need to do that's good. He said its just I don't know..I said ok well until u can give me the 100% there's no need to discuss that anymore. That's ur matter now & I'm glad u said u still r unsure bc u helped me decide moving forward is best. Then I just said bye & that was it. So it was the hardest thing to do. He seems like a different person. An alien. I wonder why he won't make a decision. I wonder if its bc he is hoping the AP will leave her husband. It's been 6 months since the exposure to her husband, I wonder if she is dangling my fiance, therefore him dangling me. Well now the only one left to dangle is him. I would like to c him come home & make things right. But I'm not holding my breath. The 180 really does work bc I am shocked @ how well I am doing & how I'm getting mybackbone that went missing..so I am going to continue plan b & move forward with no communication @ all. I feel if any,ever, it will have to b from him. He will have to fight for us..if not well It is his loss...
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It seems like it took you a while to get there, but you're 100% rocking on like you should be. 

He has had way too much power keeping you and your family in limbo. That's abuse, plain and simple. Good for you standing up to that abuse. You really seem to have you head on straight now.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Good for you. 6 months is way too long for limbo.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Well done . Stay dark and move on with your life.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Its good to see, that YOU can make it on your own

You do not need a partner, that is a homewrecker, has no backbone, and has no morals

Good luck on your journey thru life.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Thankfully, you are not married to him and can just move on.
Count it as a blessing that you don't have to go through the legal wranglings of divorce and find a better candidate for a committed relationship.

You will get over him with time. Time and new experiences.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

I tell myself I will make it..its really hard. He is not the man I remember b4 the affair. What r ur thoughts as far as why he is still asking for time even when the AP is still with her husband? Why continue counseling & financially provide for us when He could have left 6 months ago? As u all said we had no ties to each other by marriage or children.
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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

Forgot to also mention, why not communicate at all with us aside from that.
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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

starlightsky said:


> Forgot to also mention, why not communicate at all with us aside from that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is still trying to have his cake and eat it too. This sort of flip flopping between you and her is because he thinks that you are still an option despite your recent actions.

The trick it to* Lovingly detach*. Let go of the anger and the pain and just wish him well with his new life . Multiple times will probably be required. It is good for you and it is the fastest way to get him to remove his head from his ass. 


6 months is way too long to be in limbo. It is hell. Your going in the right direction.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree. I was told with fence sitters that's the best way to clear the fog. But if he ever comes back he will earn his way back, I'm no longer a given.
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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

starlightsky said:


> I agree. I was told with fence sitters that's the best way to clear the fog. But if he ever comes back he will earn his way back, I'm no longer a given.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sounds like you are lovingly detaching! He has seen you as a given because it is very hard to fake feelings of any sort to your partner. 
It is only when you truly start to detach and move on that they see it. Keep on moving on.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

Also he has never seen me follow through on anything. Since all this happened he is use to seeing me desperate to save us, begging,pleading, & crying. Ugh ..all the donts. B4 throughout our relationship he was always the one begging& pleading even when I was @ fault in disagreements..of coarse I would apologize but I am still going to IC to fix my stubborness bc although I know there's no excuse for HIS decision to cheat, I did contribute to the 50% of how we got here. I took him for granted & very stubborn to listen to him. I want to fix this as it will benefit me with better communication skills with my children & others in the future. He was a great fiance to me. Always went that extra mile for each other. Somewhere in there we got lost. He was a great father to my kids. Noone ever knew they weren't biologically his bc he did it all especially school plays & coaching their team & school projects. The therapist just said its a good move ur making to focus on u now, the rest is up to him, but let me just say its not hopeless bc he came to counseling even when he didnt have to inspite of just giving 80%. She said he started off @0% . It's up to him to get to that100% . She just said usually a man who has no ties to a women could easily check out & not look back. She said he could have 6 months ago, but bc I keep doing most the work he won't b pushed to do his part. He will remain on the fence. So to focus on me & its his turn to carry the weight. For now to do what's best for me & my children. But him showing was a good sign bc its hard to come knowing u need to face ur demons
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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

I am lovingly detaching bc I found out a few months back it is the best way to move from the hurt anger & pain. I am happy I'm out of limbo, its a good feeling to take control finally. It was time bc I could feel it keeping me depressed. I figured its time to let it go. I could b waiting forever bc I allow it. I feel this is the way to get me back & knock him off the damn fence. I will let him wait around for his AP to leave & sacrifice all for him to show her love that they built in fantasy land, while I pull the security blanket & unconditional love out from under him.....ING, u r very wise & helpful..
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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

starlightsky said:


> while I pull the security blanket & unconditional love out from under him....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing he fails to realize is that your love is not unconditional.

It never was, and it never will be. The cheater often assumes that they can do what they like and you will always love them.
EPIC FAIL. 

The only people that you really have unconditional love for is your children.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

ing said:


> The thing he fails to realize is that your love is not unconditional.
> 
> It never was, and it never will be. The cheater often assumes that they can do what they like and you will always love them.
> EPIC FAIL.
> ...


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You still have feelings for him since he made you feel loved for a while but just let him go and be gone and do not ever bother rebuilding with him.
You are not married and you don't have children together. Your kids will be fine with just you and a future man.
But, be honest with your kids and say that though he was your partner and a member of the family for years, he changed and turned out to be someone who thought it was okay to date other women while involved with you, and, he was wrong. 
Your kids will get a lesson in self respect from that. They will miss him but understand that mom has self respect. It will serve them well.


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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

U r right..I should have worded it like that since that's what I meant. I am showing him now that its not & there r boundaries..
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## starlightsky (Nov 7, 2011)

How many of u have had to put an end to this fencesitting & what were the results?
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