# New user needs some advice please.



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

Good day all, looking for some honest advice.

Married 16 years, together 24, no infidelity, both in our 40s. Three kids, house, cat, cars,..blablabla…

Recently my wife got a iPhone. She has never been a texting type so about two weeks ago I noticed that her iPhone was ding, ding, dinging a lot and she seemed to be constantly typing to somebody. I noticed she seemed to be talking a lot on the iPhone more than normal also so I asked who she was talking to one night. She responded with ‘a friend’. I was curious because of her guarded answer so after some prodding she told me it was a guy she had met while she was away on a business conference. He lives in the country but far from us. He is 32 and an IT Technician. I was asking her what she could possibly be talking about so much and she was telling me they were talking about music, general stuff, etc.. I just found this odd since I can hardly get a response from her via email or text most of the time and now she was a texting maniac.

A couple nights later I’m painting a room while my wife is in the shower and I can hear the phone dinging away in the bedroom. I know I’ll get slammed for this but I looked at the phone as the incoming messages are popping up on the screen and I see a message from him and a message that read “and then I’ll stick my **** in your face”. I could not see the entire message just that part and I have no idea what the conversation was about,….although it was sounding pretty obvious at the time. Now I’m pretty upset and pissed that it seems like this guy wants to be more that a friend instead of what she has told me. I thought about it for quite some time and I decided to check our online billing and I found that she was texting this guy between 100 and 150 times per day and sometimes talking and hour or two a night. That night the texting continues as normal and she is talking to him around 1030’ish. She not hiding it but she is very guarded about her phone I can tell. Anyways, I wind up falling asleep watching TV downstairs and wander upstairs to find her in the bathroom, STILL TALKING TO THIS GUY. Its now almost 4 AM !!! I confront her about it a short time later and she’s telling me they are just friends, nothings going on, get over it,..stuff like that. I’m saying just on a basic level,..most rational working married people are not up at 4 AM talking to a person that is an acquaintance at best. As we are going back and forth and getting more heated I come out and tell her about the message I saw the previous night. She pretty much clams up and says ‘whatever’ and we spend the night in separate beds because now I pissed. Her later explanation of the comment was that he was just joking and I couldn’t see the full context of the chat,…..which was conveniently deleted at this point.

Anyways, more than a week later now and the texting and calls haven’t changed much. We’ve had several fights on the issue. Her side is that they are friends and nothings going on. I’m being accused of being controlling and spying on her. I’m not accusing her of physically cheating but I have told her that I don’t trust this guy for a second and that she is being dishonest about the amount of time she spends talking and texting with him. She has since password protected her phone and blocked me from seeing her online usage. 

My point is that I’m telling her that this is bothering me but she has the attitude that she is not stopping because I’m in the wrong. I also really annoys me that this guy knows what is going on because she told him and yet he continues to call and text. In my opinion,..that speaks for itself right there. If he was only in it for friendship, wouldn’t he feel uncomfortable that he is causing this tension in our marriage and back off ?

I’m getting frustrated just typing this out now. 

Am I being controlling and spying ? Am I out to lunch on this as she wants me to believe ?

Any and all comments appreciated.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's an EA. They are 'dating' through text. 

You aren't controlling or anything like that. You're trying to protect yourself and your marriage. She will say this to make YOU the bad guy because she feels guilty already. She knows it's wrong....don't believe she doesn't.

Nip this.


----------



## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

Wow. Since when is it ok for a married person to be texting someone of the opposite sex on a personal level? THE only exception to that would be opposite sex family members or co-workers pertaining to a work issue or a client. AND NEVER EVER is it appropriate for a married person to be texting the opposite sex about sexual behavior, jokes or whatever. That is disrespectful to the persons spouse. And, taking into account the hours of this that is going on....reminds me of something we did back in junior high school with a crush. That's just unacceptable adult behavior. I would assume much more is going on based on this riduculous behavior of an adult married person. I am sorry that you have to be hurt by such actions. That's just so wrong on so many levels.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

No you are not controlling, you are protecting your marriage. She is having an emotional affair with this guy, as brazenly as it can get. Ask her right now to give you her phone and look through the text conversations with this guy... there is no reason she should expect privacy in this situation, if she refuses to be transparent you must tell her there is no room in the marriage for three - and she is spending way more energy on this guy then is appropriate... she may not even realize it because she is in "the fog" and her whole world right now is centered on her interactions with THIS MAN who is not her husband. You have to kill this now or else your marriage is over. Be firm, do not beg or plead, she is blameshifting you, you are not out to lunch for feeling threatened she is being COMPLETELY innappropriate.


----------



## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Nope, you're not controlling.
She is sexting and involved in an emotion affair at the least.

Set boundaries with her about this behavior. It needs to end.

Keep an eye open to see that it ends, basically snoop

Oh, you said they met while she was away at a business conference..that's another red flag


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

In just three responses, others have said it all. She's following the classic "script."

Time to insist on full transparency and NC with this "just a friend." If she refuses, tell her you regret that she's chosen the OM over her husband, and that you expect her to have herself and her personal belongings out of the house immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Oh boy....EA central.

Time to shut that down and quick. Smash the Iphone.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sean - I hate to make myself the bad guy here but I had an EA myself, and for a different woman I was the guy your wife is texting. I can promise you what they are doing. They are having virtual sex (phone, sexting, maybe skype??), and a very serious and intense emotional affair. How sure are you that logistics have kept it from going physical?

This is ugly - very ugly. As you've already seen your wife has her head seriously up her ass. She's deep in affair fog - she might as well be a meth addict. You are going to have to hit her (figuratively) with a 2X4 to break her out of it. She's going to tell you it's all your fault, tell you you're crazy (she's already done this), yell at you, scream at you, tell you she loves you but is not in love with you. There's a script man - as you already been told - and she's reading verbatim. Get to the Coping with Infidelity room and do some reading.

This requires quick, decisive action on your part. You are not being controlling - you are fighting for your marriage. You've not a moment to lose. Every second in the affair makes it that much harder to get out. Listen to the people here - we all speak from experience. Best of luck - sorry you're here.


----------



## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Perhaps you should give her the book "NOT Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. You should read it, too. It's about how affairs develop and how (and if) to recover from them.


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

OK, a new development.

I copied the original story and sent it to my wife in an email and asked her to read it to see if I was being honest and not biased. She immediately starts to tell me that I looked at the online phone record before I saw the offending text message. I told her that was not the case and even if I was off by a day, how does that even matter in the overall picture ? I did it because I was suspicious of this guy constantly texting and calling. She says she knew I was spying and then she proceeds to tell me that she told her friend to purposely send the message just to screw with me so I would read it. Supposedly thats when he sent the "I'll put my **** in your face" comment. I was flabbergasted. I said to her "you actually told this guy to send a message to **** with me ?" . She said yes. Honestly, I don't believe it for a second. I'm absolutely livid now. If that were true, I am married to one seriously mean and cruel person. ....and if this guy actually went along with it (if its true),..he's a piece of work himself. I went back and told my wife that she cannot love me if that what she did and to tell her buddy that he wins. She shrugged he shoulders and acted like she didn't care.


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

My whole point here was to see if maybe I was overreacting about the whole thing and maybe I was in the wrong. I honestly felt that I might get a 50/50 reaction some for and some against. I am being honest in my original story.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

She's still following the script to the letter...rewriting history and gaslighting. She might even believe it herself.

Her nonchalant reaction is a test of what you said. She thinks she's calling a bluff. Instead, you need to call hers...if she's choosing her "friendship" with the OM over her marriage to you, she needs to get out. Set a deadline...a close one...and hold her to it. If she thinks you're bluffing, and the deadline is reached, start packing for her. And remember...this is her decision, so she's the one who goes, not you. And if she still tries to shrug it off, call an attorney, draw up D papers and get them to her (if you have to have her officially served, so be it). It may shock her oh of the fog, or she may move ahead with the OM in a relationship doomed to failure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

SeanH said:


> OK, a new development.
> 
> I copied the original story and sent it to my wife in an email and asked her to read it to see if I was being honest and not biased. She immediately starts to tell me that I looked at the online phone record before I saw the offending text message. I told her that was not the case and even if I was off by a day, how does that even matter in the overall picture ? I did it because I was suspicious of this guy constantly texting and calling. She says she knew I was spying and then she proceeds to tell me that she told her friend to purposely send the message just to screw with me so I would read it. Supposedly thats when he sent the "I'll put my **** in your face" comment. I was flabbergasted. I said to her "you actually told this guy to send a message to **** with me ?" . She said yes. Honestly, I don't believe it for a second. I'm absolutely livid now. If that were true, I am married to one seriously mean and cruel person. ....and if this guy actually went along with it (if its true),..he's a piece of work himself. I went back and told my wife that she cannot love me if that what she did and to tell her buddy that he wins. She shrugged he shoulders and acted like she didn't care.


Holy sh$t! I thought my WW was the only one in the world that can make up a story like that. Sean, this is EXACTLY what my WW told me in the midst of her affair.

Ok. Well, I said the exact same thing you said. Guess what? My WW shrugged to, like it was no big deal.

Nw I'll tell you what Is going on in her head. She KNOWS EXACTLY what she is doing. You caught her, and that was the first excuse that popped into her head that she could come up with on a dime. Because she had to ome up with something, anything, to try to minimize what she is doing and steer you away from ruining her fun. Because, yes, she is deep deep deep into the affair fog now. She will do and say anything and everything that she thinks of to keep that fix going. 

Sorry bud. Your marriage is now fu(ked! Seriously. This is when I knew mine was ***ed too. 

Ok. All this advice is counterintuitive to you. Because you really want to save the marriage. I get that. We all do. It's something we just have to realize on our own time. And until we do it, as see results, we refuse to believe that being as harsh as we need to may fix things. But, it's true. You need to be harsh now.

First, you need to do the 180. This is to make you mentally strong and begin to detach. This is IMPORTANT! (can someone link the 180 for Sean?)

Next. When you talk to her, never cry beg whine plead. This is weakness to women and will drive her away more. You need to start acting like you will be just fine without her. Because, in reality, even though it doesn't seem like it now with your stress, you will.

Now the harsh part. And this is designed to both reinforce your boundaries in the marriage, and to show her the consequences of her actions...just how serious they are. Because, they are. She just doesn't think so right now with her cake eating.

I'll tell you what I did. You can modify it to your situation.....

I told my wife we are through. I'm nobody's second choice and threes a crowd in a marriage. I did this with deadpan emotion. 
When SHE started to question the seperation, I still went through with it, because she was still texting up to the bitter end.
I found her an apartment. I paid first and last months rent. I grabbed boxes. Packed them for her. Got a truck. Got some buddies. And moved her a$$ out of the family home.

In three months, she came back. Because she finally understood that the single fun flirting life sucked....paying for her brand new car herself...buying her own food...paying her own rent. That napped her out of her stupid fog fast enough.

Unfortunately for me, she was still underground with her OM after she moved back. But I didn't do the no contact letter, open phone passwords, etc. very silly of me. So...once again...got an apartment, boxes...etc. 

However, if YOU follow the advise here, you may be able to fully salvage things. I didn't follow all the rules I was supposed to.

Btw. Call up the OM and let him know who the alpha dog is in your marriage. That POS needs to know he doesn't get to fk with you and your family and kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Man I'm sorry. Listen to Alpha. Get to the coping forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Dude don't fall for her trickery...you weren't born yesterday were you?

Do exactly what Alpha is saying... He's been there!

Nip this fast. Do 180...it's your only hope.
What is up with these wives nowadays??

I feel like screaming for you.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't believe a word she says. You wife's loyalty is to her affair and affair OM, and no longer you.

Are you going to whine and that she is being wrong to you, or are you gonna take down the affair?

Cut off funding for her to tslk to him. Does she have a job? If not then shutdown the iPhone account and cut the internet

Tell her family. Find the OM and see if he is married. Do not believe anything she has told you about him, not even where he lives or how she met him.

Do everything to throw a wrench into their relationship, ignore all claims of you beng wrong, controlling or mean. She is cheatng,myou are endng your support for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

No advice for you. I just need to reinforce that your wife is in a heated love affair with another man. To call it an EA is an insult. I would think that masterbating on the phone while talking to a strange man you don't even know about counts as full physical infidelity almost.

I have been on these forums for over two years now. I didn't know what an EA was before I came here. Now I do. And guess what? You came here wanting to know if her actions were inappropriate? Not only is the answer a resounding "yes", but I'm going to nominate your wife for EA of the year. This is HUGELY serious. 100 - 150 texts a DAY and hours of phone conversations behind your back? Is that even POSSIBLE? How much time does she spend texting/talking to you? 

Oh, and I almost forgot. She ****ed this guy at that business conference. I would normally follow that with "but you know that already", but that doesn't apply here. You are still letting your cheating wife tell you that you are wrong here by wanting to stop her affair.

I don't mean to be mean, especially without advice to help a little. But know your wife is in as bad an affair as is possible without daily sex with another man. It's bad. VERY bad.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Tell her to sell that tripe somewhere else, she won't get away with it here.

She is full of it. You need to lay down the law pronto. Figure out what you want. Do not let her bully you and don't be scared.


----------



## Lovely71 (Nov 24, 2011)

What my husband failed to tell you was this is not the first time he has accused me of cheating. 

As a wife of 16 years who has had to deal with him being away at sea and with him taking hotels whenever he was in ports, never once have I asked to check his phones or check his computers. However, when I have asked to get on his password protected computer it is always with the response of wait until I get home or no. He has the answer I am hiding nothing but yet I can't get into his stuff. He will let me go into his phone after the fact. He is the IT guru. He can cover his tracks. I have no wish to do so. 

He will blame the other person and say oh it's not you I worry about it's them. That is crap. I have a brain. Also, we always said if felt we were gonna cheat then we would cut our losses and divorce. 

My husband ignores me. Has for years. We have little in common. I get it he does not like this guy. This guy is way younger and we have lots in common. We talk about music, sports, and whatever. Is it an emotional relationship? Maybe Sexting! Nope. Not comfortable with that and we have talked about it which I have told my husband about. He has helped me understand my feelings over some of that which is interesting. Wow, such a *****. Yeah, I hid that from him too. I tried sexting with my husband at sea got knocked down. Oh, I hate email. 

Oh, and one of the comments take her phone away. Not a chance in hell!


----------



## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Yeah, your wife's behavior is way, way beyond any reasonable relationship boundary. Time for her to go. If I were you I'd contact an attorney and start drawing up the paperwork for dividing the assets. Perhaps that will rattle her cage enough to bring her back to reality. Though, ultimately you're the only one who can make that decision.

In my situation we had agreed rather amicably to divorce, even though I did not want it. I did not know she was in an affair at the time. I think the stark reality of finding a place to live and me moving forward with the divorce opened her eyes a bit. When I discovered her affair while she was away on a business trip I wrote her an email telling her how hurt I was and that she needed to get professional help or she would never be happy. But there was nothing more I could do for her. She turned around. She sought individual counseling and made some lifestyle changes. We've attended marriage counseling for a year. It got a lot worse before we saw things starting to turn around but we are now getting better. 

I think it would have ended up differently if I hadn't stuck to my guns and let her go. Your wife may or may not be willing to make the effort. Nevertheless, you need to stick to your guns for your own sanity.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It was the toughest thing I've ever done.


----------



## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

So.. .Lovely71 and Sean, why are the two of you married? Doesn't sound like a good relationship to me.


----------



## Lovely71 (Nov 24, 2011)

Trust goes both ways and if there is no trust then a relationship is doomed. I use to believe in us and now I don't know what to believe. He knows I am in the sexual health field and I am constantly researching stuff and going on sites. I didn't know I had to tell him or run these sites by him before going on them. One time he went through my browsing history ( I don't delete it) and found on line sites I was looking up because I was researching these type of sites in our area and specific things about them. They were sites of concern to me and so I was trying to figure out the safety and relevance of them because they were passed on to me. Anyway, instead of coming to me and asking me. He sat on it and accused me of having an affair. He said all the signs were there. Oh, more information. That I was working full time, on a project,school full time (masters) and fitting in the gym. The late hour was another sign. Well, how the heck did you fit all that in one freaking day. Needless to say I was mad as hell! 

I feel sick by this whole thing and wonder if its worth it! 2 years of listening to this trust issue and he has had more means and opportunity than I have! 

I asked for the divorce and he feels we need to work on the marriage. I can't deal with his trust issues any longer!


----------



## Lovely71 (Nov 24, 2011)

------------


----------



## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Sure, trust needs to go both ways. I'd agree, a relationship is doomed without it. But trust issues can be dealt with.

How do the two of you feel about counseling? When my wife and I started seeing a therapist it was with the express desire to either fix the marriage or give us both the emotional strength to end it with us both in the healthiest place we could be. Seeking help was not a dedication to one result or the other. Is it an option for you guys?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Here's my suggestion.

Both of you get polygraph tested. I assume you both will pass. Then you can start anew with being open to each other -- no secret phones, texts, emails, computers, etc.

Will this work?


----------



## Lovely71 (Nov 24, 2011)

aug said:


> Here's my suggestion.
> 
> Both of you get polygraph tested. I assume you both will pass. Then you can start anew with being open to each other -- no secret phones, texts, emails, computers, etc.
> 
> Will this work?


:smthumbup:

We go for counselling next week. :iagree:


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lovely71 said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> We go for counselling next week. :iagree:


good luck you guys will need it.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lovely71 said:


> What my husband failed to tell you was this is not the first time he has accused me of cheating.
> 
> As a wife of 16 years who has had to deal with him being away at sea and with him taking hotels whenever he was in ports,
> .
> ...


Lovely71, I don't know you or your husband either in real life or on here. My advice is therefore offered as an impartial 3rd party.

You and your husband cannot survive in a marriage without open honesty in both directions. Without trust the marriage will fail.

The way to establish open honesty is to exchange all passwords and free access to all of each other's communications. Email, phones, everything.

Privacy is what you get in the bathroom. Secrecy is when you keep important information away from someone. Privacy means you go in the other room when talking to your mom on the phone. Secrecy is locking your phone so your spouse cannot know who you are talking to or texting.

Secrecy kills trust.

It doesn't matter what one or the other of you has tried in the past, whether he has kept secrets first or not. What matters is that you both commit to the relationship and you therefore both commit to doing whatever it takes to establish and keep trust. Even if everything you are doing with this younger IT guy is legit, *your husband is very uncomfortable with it*. That by itself should be enough for you to want to actively do whatever it takes to restore his comfort.

Other than my kids, there is nobody in the world I wouldn't jettison, offend, or stop all contact with if my wife were uncomfortable.

My wife strongly resisted removing an ex-BF from her Facebook. I am certain there was nothing going on, but it concerned me as a potential threat to our marriage so I held my boundary. Understand that for me this was a deal breaker. If my wife did what you are doing it would have been a dealbreaker already. You should understand that you aren't just having a spat with your husband, you are risking losing your marriage and your family.

You should both take a lie detector test.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Lovely. 100 texts PER DAY?? I didn't hear you deny that.


----------



## Lovely71 (Nov 24, 2011)

:sleeping:


MrK said:


> Lovely. 100 texts PER DAY?? I didn't hear you deny that.


I have no idea how many texts I did when I was off on vacation. I think it was more than that. One word is a text. If I made a mistake, I would correct it cuz I am like that. Oh, I would speak to him for hours too. I never denied that to my husband ever. When I was off on vacation, we spoke in the wee hours of the morning. 

My husband was at sea for 3 months and would not speak to me lots of times. He would grill my kids about me and it was hurtful. He says I missed you but if you missed me why did you not want to talk to me. He explained this once he got home that he did not mean to be hurtful but that did not help. 

My husband actually has a woman on his facebook who goes way back before our marriage and caused problems between us. However, never once did I feel the necessity to say to him to take it off for whatever reason. It shows distrust and pettiness.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

So, you feel this relationship with this boy is 100% innocent?


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Lovely, lots of blameshifting and deflection on you part. Like I said, you wont get away with it here. 

Two sides to every story, yes. Your husband could be a very bad man, I don't know. 

You are involved inappriopriate relationship and I would not stand for it for one second in my marriage. Do not abuse the trust card as a cover for you wayward actions. 

I won't dispute what you say about your husband, but he is 100% right about his concerns posted here.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Lovely - 

Ummm what about this....


SeanH said:


> I see a message from him and a message that read “and then I’ll stick my **** in your face”. I could not see the entire message just that part and I have no idea what the conversation was about



And this....


SeanH said:


> find her in the bathroom, STILL TALKING TO THIS GUY. Its now almost 4 AM !!!



And this....


SeanH said:


> Her later explanation of the comment was that he was just joking and I couldn’t see the full context of the chat,…..which was conveniently deleted at this point.


There's no good explanation for a friend of the opposite sex to send a married person a message that says they are going to put their bits anywhere near the married person - sorry there just isn't. If it was a "joke" - which I don't buy for a second - guess that backfired on you. 

If it's all so on the up and up why were you in the bathroom talking to this guy? Oh yeah - people talk on the phone at 4am in the bathroom all the time right?? Again - I don't buy it.

And finally good work deleting all the evidence to prove that the OM's comments were a joke and that it really is all innocent. Everyone deletes evidence that will prove their innocence right?? 

Really??? - I can't believe you expect your husband to buy all this let alone us. Sorry. You sound, look, and are acting guilty. If you're not why are behaving this way??





SeanH said:


> She has since password protected her phone and blocked me from seeing her online usage.


I'd have thrown your phone in the toilet and watched you have a tantrum for this. If you started to walk out over it, I'd help you pack. No secrets, no privacy between spouses in a marriage. You need some perspective.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lovely,

You haven't addressed the fact you are putting tremendous amounts of emotional relationship energy into the OM, and he is sending your phone sexts. You say you're not sexting, but the OM sure is. BTW is it at all acceptable for a married woman to even discuss with another man, if she should be sexting or not?

In fact what you do write about the OM and your relationship with him could pretty much be taken out of any cheaters playbook on justifying and deflecting her relationship with the OM. "He gets me, we have so much in common, I can talk to him,...etc" Along with "I never deny my husband", as if giving your husband a change to get some of your time is a gift to him.

Have you considered your husband is worried about your cheating on the relationship because you don't actually understand or respect normal barriers in your relationships with other men? 

That you aren't acting in defense of your marriage, but instead in contempt of it?


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

Thor said:


> Lovely71, I don't know you or your husband either in real life or on here. My advice is therefore offered as an impartial 3rd party.
> 
> You and your husband cannot survive in a marriage without open honesty in both directions. Without trust the marriage will fail.
> 
> ...


I already told her several times that she can access my computers and phone anytime, 24/7, in fact I gave her the passwords. I have every email including the trash bin for 2 years previous. I told her, have at it. She still continues to lock her phone.


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

Lovely71 said:


> What my husband failed to tell you was this is not the first time he has accused me of cheating.
> 
> As a wife of 16 years who has had to deal with him being away at sea and with him taking hotels whenever he was in ports, never once have I asked to check his phones or check his computers. However, when I have asked to get on his password protected computer it is always with the response of wait until I get home or no. He has the answer I am hiding nothing but yet I can't get into his stuff. He will let me go into his phone after the fact. He is the IT guru. He can cover his tracks. I have no wish to do so.
> 
> ...



The issue with me locking my computer while I was away was simple and I explained it to her. I have OpenDNS running on that Mac computer which filters against porn, etc for my 3 kids. I did not want anybody messing with it as there is a chance they could unknowingly disable the home internet connection and me being 1000's of miles away could do nothing about it. That computer normally sits unlocked with music playing in the garage 24/7 otherwise when I'm home.

Also, my wife has discussed intimate details of our relationship with this turd. Details she doesn't even share with me most of the time. After I initially posted to this forum, I think it opened her eyes maybe a little bit and we had a constructive discussion for over 2 hours where we agreed with each other back and forth on several issues. Things were actually calming down and I planned to sleep in the same bed that night. I poke my head in the room a hour or so later and SHES BACK ON THE PHONE WITH THIS ****TARD. 

By the way, this ****tard we are talking about know knows about this discussion (guess why) and he is most certainly lurking. I'd just like to say "Get a ****ing life buddy and find somebody else's marriage to **** with". The whole we're friends routine has worn thin and its time to find something else to occupy your seemingly endless free time to text and talk to my wife. Get a girlfriend, get a hooker, do something. This jackass feels the need to text when he gets up, when he goes to work, on his way to work, at work, on his way from work, going out, going to bed,..you get the picture. Then on top of that he wants to talk on the phone too.

All the while, he knows exactly whats going on between my wife and I but does he back away and stop like most moral people would,....no he does not, he persists. Rocket scientist not needed here,...or maybe he's just stupid.


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

Voyager said:


> So.. .Lovely71 and Sean, why are the two of you married? Doesn't sound like a good relationship to me.


Our marriage is not nearly as bad as she makes it out to be. She is in the 'fog' as you guys say and she is in defensive mode. We have been together for over 24 years and married for 16. I love my wife. We have 3 great kids that are my world. Leaving for my last deployment I broke down on the way to the ship at the thought of being away from them. We have had our ups and downs like any couple together for so long. We change as we grow older. For a few moths before my last deployment I made a sustained effort to really improve things between us and she will admit I was really doing better with things she wanted and missed that we used to have. Now to come back and be dealing with this is seems like my efforts were for nothing but I am a glass half full type of person. She is a glass half empty type and tends to give up quicker. That disappoints me.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

While I hate to admit it that sounds so much like my affair partner and I. I bet my bottom dollar there's virtual sex involved - at a minimum. Sounds like she's dug her heals in and now that she's here it's going to be a little more complicated as she'll read all the advice you're getting. Anyway - read up on "the 180" I think you need to go cold on her until she decides to break it off with the dude and open up to you. No emotions, just business until there are only two people in your marriage. 

As for her phone. I'd snatch that bastard out of her hands and use it for target practice if I could keep myself from just stomping it into oblivion long enough to get a gun. Sounds like you've got a fight on your hands.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SeanH,

I got the vibe from your wife that she was very much in defense mode - She is trying to gaslight everyone about your trying to save the marriage, and that the idiot OM is just a friend. She is very much into denial about how much involvement the OM has with her and the marriage.

@Lovely, look if you actually want to save your marriage, and your family - cut out the crap. Stop wasting time on the idiot OM, and start putting your energy into your family and husband. The path you are on right now, is that going to lead you to being that pathetic old woman who's *****ing to everyone how right she is, while everyone avoids you.

BTW. OM is only putting up with all your drama and crap because he hopes to get into your pants.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

SeanH said:


> Our marriage is not nearly as bad as she makes it out to be.


Rewriting the marital history - classic... She's following the script verbatim.


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

Lovely71 said:


> Trust goes both ways and if there is no trust then a relationship is doomed. I use to believe in us and now I don't know what to believe. He knows I am in the sexual health field and I am constantly researching stuff and going on sites. I didn't know I had to tell him or run these sites by him before going on them. One time he went through my browsing history ( I don't delete it) and found on line sites I was looking up because I was researching these type of sites in our area and specific things about them. They were sites of concern to me and so I was trying to figure out the safety and relevance of them because they were passed on to me. Anyway, instead of coming to me and asking me.  He sat on it and accused me of having an affair. He said all the signs were there. Oh, more information. That I was working full time, on a project,school full time (masters) and fitting in the gym. The late hour was another sign. Well, how the heck did you fit all that in one freaking day. Needless to say I was mad as hell!
> 
> I feel sick by this whole thing and wonder if its worth it! 2 years of listening to this trust issue and he has had more means and opportunity than I have!
> 
> I asked for the divorce and he feels we need to work on the marriage. I can't deal with his trust issues any longer!



Damn I love my wife but she just will not tell 100% of the story. 

The time she refers to is this;

Her laptop used to sit in the living room unlocked and I would use it time to time to surf, check the weather, recipes, whatever, so one day i'm looking for a site a had come by randomly days earlier so I was looking in the history and I see several visits to a site called Sex Classifieds & Adult Dating on GetItOn. That gets my attention quickly to say the least. So I click into one of the history links and it takes me to an online profile page she had been setting up. This website is expressly for setting up couples for casual sex so it kind of sparked a few red flags for me and I was actually quite shocked and even devastated by the find. I brought it up to her the next day, not several days after stewing and I asked her if she was having an affair. Thats whats happened. If it was totally innocent as she says then fine, but don't expect it to not raise a few hairs on my back without any explanation.


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

aug said:


> Here's my suggestion.
> 
> Both of you get polygraph tested. I assume you both will pass. Then you can start anew with being open to each other -- no secret phones, texts, emails, computers, etc.
> 
> Will this work?



Hehehe,...BRING IT ON !!!


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

Lovely71 said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> We go for counselling next week. :iagree:


I arranged for marriage counselling because I truly believe these are solvable problems but our little texting buddy has got to go.

Right texting buddy ? Take a hike.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

They're only solvable if she wants to solve them to. You can't do it by yourself even if asshat (credit to Apple) takes a walk. 

If both of you want to resolve the issues there is virtually no problem you can't conquer together, but if one of you doesn't want to play any effort spent to work out issues is wasted. You've got to get her out of that fog she's in.


----------



## SeanH (Nov 23, 2011)

Lovely71 said:


> :sleeping:
> 
> I have no idea how many texts I did when I was off on vacation. I think it was more than that. One word is a text. If I made a mistake, I would correct it cuz I am like that. Oh, I would speak to him for hours too. I never denied that to my husband ever. When I was off on vacation, we spoke in the wee hours of the morning.
> 
> ...


I told my wife if it bothers her,..poof she's gone. Will she reciprocate ? No.


----------



## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

i would leave this woman TODAY. She has disgraced herself. She has another man reading this post in the middle of your relationship like she's his b*** or something? or you kidding me? that's waaay to disrespectful man. this dude is watching over you and her as if he is your daddy. your wife has totally turned you into this dude's b*** man. i personally have no respect for you right now, and we both know how the other dude sees you. me personally i could NOT, be with a woman after that man. your wife is this man's toy. she chose him over you...i can't believe it. I. CAN'T. BELIEVE IT!


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Marriage counseling does not work if the wife is still talking or sexting with another man. It will be a waste of time and money, and the wife will use that as a cover to hide and continue the relationship.

So, now take the next step.

Divorce the woman. Let her go. Let the other man who is monitoring this thread have a woman who cheats. Let the OM live with a cheater since he's a lowlife himself. They can console themselves with their lack of ethics.

Your job takes you away from home. There's no way in h*ll you can ever trust your wife again. She's now at that stage where she doesnt give a sh*t even when you're home to carry on her affair.

"He is 32 and an IT Technician." -- so that makes him a nerd who cant get his own girlfriend and need to jump at the chance of an older woman offering him sex.

Dump the wife. She's in her mid-40's. He's 32. Over 10 years difference. He'll dump her eventually because why would he want an instant family with an older woman? One that cant bear him a child without the risk of a Down syndrome baby or other issues?

Why would you want seconds after the nerd finds another idiot woman to replace your wife?

Your wife has greatly devalue herself both morally and psychologically. You'll never look at her again with the same amount of respect, love or contentment. Because you know she has been unfaithful; and she knows she's an immoral person.


----------



## MaximizingMarriage.com (Nov 26, 2011)

Call the guy and tell him to back off!


----------



## Lovely71 (Nov 24, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> Let's take the face the other person she is talking to is a man out of the equation. Is the amount of time you are giving this friendship taking away from your relationship with your husband and taking time away from the time you could spend talking to him? If the amount of time is problematic then, male or female, the relationship is hurting your marriage. Talking till 4am in the bathroom rather than cuddling your husband in bed is crossing a line to me if it happens more than once in a blue moon. Genuine friendships can hurt a marriage if we give them time we should be spending on our spouse even if they are completely innocent.
> 
> Sean - I wonder what it is your wife is getting from this friendship that could be a need you could step up and meet?


My husband for the most part doesn't sleep with me. You all need to understand that for years he slept downstairs and it was just recently I demanded he return or our marriage was over. That his late hours in the basement spent in front of the computer had to stop. So, all of you can say what you want but when you get part of the story, it is biased by one situation and unfounded. All of you feel you are experts but you are just telling your experience. Sure maybe your wives/husbands cheated on you or did horrible things. Fair enough. Like I said, there is no doubt you can label lots of things. My husbands lack there of and my friendship/EA with this guy. Wtf? My erasing of my phone because I was shocked with what was written not because I was hiding something but because of the context. 
Oh, and the password on the phones came about because my husband told my son and I to do this so if they got stolen they would be protected. Not to mention mine has pictures on it that I have sent my husband via my phone. I would not want my kids or someone to see them. So, there are many reasons to have it password protected and his reasoning is now ****ed up.

FYI: This was my husbands wake up call. I gave him one year or we would be divorced. It was getting on almost two. He was on borrowed time. He did not listen when I said I was moving on. Oh, and I'll be damned if I ever pack my bags. I have invested more time in my house and family then he ever did. When my kids want something done, they do not go to him , they come to me. When something needs done if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. If I ask him, it's nagging. Is that normal? I don't think so. He promises me he will change. I have heard this before. I just don't think he has it in him to do this. We'll see.



SeanH said:


> I told my wife if it bothers her,..poof she's gone. Will she reciprocate ? No.


Did you now? FOS LOL! 
You can pack your bags and leave anytime.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lovely, as someone who has cheated on my spouse (and never been cheated on)... I wouldn't buy your story as presented by your husband either, and I would find your deleting of the texts "incriminating" at the least. As well as the online profile he says you had set up. 

However, as you indicated, none of us are there in your relationship. And there's three sides to every story. His, hers, and the truth. The only things I can suggest going forward is ditching the text buddy, completely opening communication on BOTH your parts (including online record access), and counseling to start fixing the issues. 

If the two of you aren't willing to invest 100% into your marriage, start taking steps to end it. The kids will likely have a much easier time of it if you can separate amicably, rather than things getting nasty.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

While entertaining to observe the two of you need to get off this board. You're not accomplishing anything here and only diminishing your collective chances of saving this in MC by attacking each other. This is stuff the two of you need to say to each other in the presence of a professional. 

You are correct in that each of us dispense advice and opinions that are based on our individual experiences, but if you read enough of them while each is certainly individually unique they are collectively remarkably similar. 

Best of luck to you both - I'm stepping out of this one.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Lovely, quit making ASSumptions about those of us who post on this board. IF you are real you are full of it. This is bizarre.


----------



## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You can't gaslight _us_ Lovely.
Maybe your H who you've vilified and devalued,
but
not _us_.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Lovely71 said:


> ... My husbands lack there of and my friendship/EA with this guy. Wtf? My erasing of my phone *because I was shocked with what was written* not because I was hiding something but because of the context.
> ...





> “and then I’ll stick my **** in your face”


So you were "shocked" at what your friend wrote? And you're still friends and you're defending this 32 year old "friend"?


If he's a really a friend, then he's either socially or psychologically crippled. He's 32 years old -- one would be shocked if a teen wrote that, but a 32 y.o. man?


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

This is going to end really badly.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

All In, or All Out. That's the only way to make it work for me. I'm all in, but if my wife were not then I would be all out. A marriage cannot survive hostilities, blame shifting, resentments, and the gaslighting displayed in this thread.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Lovely71 said:


> My husbands lack there of and my friendship/EA with this guy. Wtf? My erasing of my phone because I was shocked with what was written not because I was hiding something but because of the context.


You were "shocked" by a "joke" that you supposedly asked the OM to send for the purpose of pushing your husband's buttons?

I guess it makes sense. I know I'm always shocked if someone says something I ask them to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's an EA. *They are 'dating' through text.
> *
> You aren't controlling or anything like that. You're trying to protect yourself and your marriage. She will say this to make YOU the bad guy because she feels guilty already. She knows it's wrong....don't believe she doesn't.
> 
> Nip this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Awesome. The large number of texts indicates this is an EA. BUT, the sexual comments go even to a further level of unfaithfulness.

The comment about dating via text is a wonderful revelation. Dead on. That is exactly what is going on. This defines these scenaries perfectly. It is a form of dating.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SeanH said:


> My whole point here was to see if maybe I was overreacting about the whole thing and maybe I was in the wrong. I honestly felt that I might get a 50/50 reaction some for and some against. I am being honest in my original story.


Under-reacting is more accurate. She should be totally NC with this guy immediately. This is an affair.

Inaprropriate behavior -> Unfaithfulness -> Cheating.

Where one of the above leaves off and the next stage begins is up for debate, however, she is clearly in an EA and solidly now in the unfaithful area. If they are exchanging sexy messages and / or pictures many would say that is cheating.

Her comment about her asking the guy to do this or that is beyond absurd but lets go with it for a moment. She has a secret relationship with this guy and is conspiring with an OM against her husband. That is unfaithful.

She has no boundaries. I suggest you kill this affair and then do His Needs Her Needs together as a couple. Part of this is to discuss, define and implement agreed upon boundaries.

Also consider www.marriedmansexlife.com. If she is doing what she is doing she is not as into you as you need her to be.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SeanH said:


> Our marriage is not nearly as bad as she makes it out to be. She is in the 'fog' as you guys say and she is in defensive mode. We have been together for over 24 years and married for 16. I love my wife. We have 3 great kids that are my world. Leaving for my last deployment I broke down on the way to the ship at the thought of being away from them. We have had our ups and downs like any couple together for so long. We change as we grow older. For a few moths before my last deployment I made a sustained effort to really improve things between us and she will admit I was really doing better with things she wanted and missed that we used to have. Now to come back and be dealing with this is seems like my efforts were for nothing but I am a glass half full type of person. She is a glass half empty type and tends to give up quicker. That disappoints me.


Marriage is tough enough. Going out to sea on deployments is a real killer. I was in the Navy for eight years. 

Just an example: We got dropped off at pier 12, to leave on a med cruise. For whatever reason our departure was delayed a couple of days.
My wife picked me up and we dropped a couple of squadron mates off at base housing. Thier wives were long gone. They ended up going dancing at the officers club within hours of these guys making their first cruise. A neighbor was watching their kids. They trusted their wives. Anyway, needless to say they were less than faithful to their hubbys during the cruise and they both ended up divorcing over this. A shame because these were not the unfaithful type of guys.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lovely ..try this on


Question: What Is The Difference Between An Emotional Affair And A Physical Affair?


The traditional definition of cheating is that one person in a committed relationship is physically involved with someone other than his/her spouse. In recent years, cheating has been reclassified to include not only the physical affair but, also, the emotional affair.

Answer: 
An emotional affair is defined as any infidelity that occurs through feeling or thought. With the technological development of cell phones and the internet, the definition of cheating has been expanded to include the traditional definition, plus the feelings and/or thoughts that comprise emotional infidelity. Cheating now includes having intimate correspondence with someone while on a cell phone, meeting someone over the Internet and maintaining a close, personal relationship with someone other than your spouse.
The difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair.

The primary difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair is actual, physical contact. Usually, cheating involves people meeting face – to - face, and then engaging in physical intimacy. With an emotional affair, there may be a meeting, but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer and there is no physical intimacy. Many of the people who are emotionally cheating don’t consider it to be infidelity. Their thinking is that, because there is no actual physical contact, the behavior can’t be considered cheating.

The end result is that the unfaithful spouse is paying more emotional attention to someone other than their partner, and they are removing themselves from the commitment they made to their marriage.
An emotional affair can lead to a physical affair.

An emotional affair begins with the exchange of personal information. As the people involved get acquainted, the information becomes more personal. Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating; however, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level or worse as traditional cheating.

It is much more dangerous for a marriage should your spouse connect with someone emotionally than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.
The danger of an emotional affair.

While it is healthy and normal for people to have friendships outside the marriage with men and women, an emotional affair threatens the emotional bond between spouses. Friendships are based on attraction, in that we are drawn to various qualities of our friends. Healthy friendships and attractions don't need to threaten a marriage at all, but add richness and enjoyment to life. When an attraction turns into an obsession or into an affair, it can become harmful to everyone involved and nothing is more harmful to a marriage than the breakdown of the emotional bond marital partners have for each other.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are not in an affair just take a week off. Not only will you not be able to do it, you won't even be able to consider it. You are as addicted to your cheating boyfriend as a crack ho is to crack.

My apologies for the rough metaphor but its one you are never going to be able to forget. I give you about a 10% chance that you will save your marriage. And for what? A creeeepy 32 year old.

Don't you ever ask yourself what kind of person would do what he is doing? Creepy doesn't even start to cover it.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> They trusted their wives. Anyway, needless to say they were less than faithful to their hubbys during the cruise and they both ended up divorcing over this. A shame because these were not the unfaithful type of guys.


I'm an airline pilot. Now the conventional image is that pilots are banging the flight attendants non-stop, but it is quite a different story.

Most pilots are very goal oriented and what I would describe as classically conservative. Work hard, take pride in what you do, have a lot of respect for others, etc. The old pre-WWII barn storming hard drinking womanizer is not the type of person who can or will succeed in this industry.

On top of that, when one travels away from home 2 or more nights per week you tend to really value your home and your family time. Not that we're all Ward Cleavers, but we're more so than the average population.

I have heard many crazy stories of cheating wives of pilots. Yet I know very few cheating pilots. Pilots, and likely Navy sailors too, who are away from home value the stability and positive things about their families and thus don't want to destroy them. But the wives see it from the other side where they are always home, and frequently they are on their own.

Travelers look forward to getting home, spouses look forward to them going away.

When I'm away on a trip in a hotel my wife doesn't know what I'm doing. But when I'm away on a trip in a hotel, I don't know what my wife is doing at home!


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Lovely71 said:


> Also, we always said if felt we were gonna cheat then we would cut our losses and divorce.





Lovely71 said:


> I get it he does not like this guy. This guy is way younger and we have lots in common. We talk about music, sports, and whatever. Is it an emotional relationship? Maybe





Lovely71 said:


> I asked for the divorce and he feels we need to work on the marriage. I can't deal with his trust issues any longer!





Lovely71 said:


> FYI: This was my husbands wake up call. I gave him one year or we would be divorced. It was getting on almost two. He was on borrowed time. He did not listen when I said I was moving on.





Lovely71 said:


> You can pack your bags and leave anytime.


SeanH, read what your wife wrote above. She has checked out of this marriage. She would welcome a divorce. It takes 2 to fix a marriage but she no longer cares. If it was not the current OM it would be someone else, just as long as it was not you. 

Nowhere in her posts does she say anything positive about you or that she loves you. It is time to accept that it is over and move on. I am sorry for your loss. 16 years is a long time to throw away and start over again, but it is over. Take the time and energy that you are wasting on a person that no longer cares and put it into someone new. As unfair as it sounds, as a male you are at an age where factors have shifted from when you lasted dated such that you can trade up. Statistically, what your wife will learn is that she has almost reached an age where the odds of her getting raped are higher than the odds of her getting remarried again; and odds are that if she does get remarried she will be trading down. I find divorce sad, but in your case it seems inevitable for as your wife says you are “on borrowed time”. Good luck to you both. I pray for the best for you and your family.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

:iagree:

Well said. You both need to move on.


----------



## Joodlestar (Nov 10, 2011)

Let's look at the iPhone story logically - the Iphone will only show the most recent text message up on the screen without you deliving further . there is NO way she and he could have set that up - you said yourself the phone was going "ding ding ding" so it could have been *any* message that you saw . She was in the shower she didnt know when you were going to look and even if she did how could she communicate to him at that exact second for him to send that message for you to see? She didn;t have her phone!! 

its ridiculous. its an EA at the very least and you have to act fast and decisively. Get that man out of her life - now!


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MrK said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Well said. You both need to move on.


I think TRy and MrK are right, she has been checked out for awhile, possibly even since before this EA, so waking her out of the fog wouldn't even be enough... She is welcoming a divorce just simply not deciding its worth her time to file it herself, so its up to you if you want to get your life back on track (ie without her to derail you).


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

What a mess.

This is one of the saddest displays of being in the fog I've ever read.

There is absolutely ZERO justification for sending hundreds of texts per day and speaking to another man until 4am. None. Nada. Zilch. Zero. You can rationalize and claim how horrible your marriage has been, but nothing can erase what you've done.

We're "experts" because you're following a script that we've all been down. Your life with your husband magically becomes years of hell now that you're constantly talking to a new man.

Please.

And I have to call into question the character of any man who would wilfully continue to text and call a married woman even after being told NOT to by the husband. Your "friend" wins the ********* olympics.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes. Cut your losses. If she is for real she is no longer the wife you once loved. She is blaming you for her behavior in a very cynical and vindicative way. Rubbing it in your nose. This seems more about hurting you than anything else. Move on.



> I was curious because of her guarded answer so after some prodding *she told me it was a guy she had met while she was away on a business conference*. He lives in the country but far from us. He is 32 and an IT Technician.


So she texts him 100-150 times a day and there is sexual content. Thinking MrK just might be right about this being a PA along with the EA. The sexual content would back that up. Also be aware that living far away does not stop people from seeing each other, especially if the BS is away on a deployment. Also how do you know he is far away?


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Grayson said:


> You were "shocked" by a "joke" that you supposedly asked the OM to send for the purpose of pushing your husband's buttons?
> 
> I guess it makes sense. I know I'm always shocked if someone says something I ask them to say.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Shipmate,

She's cheating on you and has been cheating on you for most of your marriage. Sucks balls but you gotta move on. She has no respect for you and is enjoyng your suffering which is why her boyfriend is watching. Don't play the fool any longer.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

The only advice I can give you, knowing the WW and OM are reading this thread is go find a lawyer. Start D process. If she turns around in time, you can consider R, otherwise dump her. Frankly, what else can you do? 

If the OM lives anywhere near you, the relationship may well be already physical. The reason she is not stopping the contact despite your repeated confrontation must be they already made an exit plan to get together after leaving you. 

So, take a real action. Then, the ball will be on her side.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sean, she's got a guy lined up already, she's texting him like crazy, and she's even trying to gaslight this forum. 

Her posts are filled with anger and hate.

Sorry man, but she doesn't seem like a woman who s willing to work on your marriage. She is a woman who is justifying her leaving and likely her affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

aug said:


> "He is 32 and an IT Technician." -- so that makes him a nerd who cant get his own girlfriend and need to jump at the chance of an older woman offering him sex.


Good morning, everyone. I'm a new user of these forums, and this really struck a chord with me. My story is from the female perspective. I'm NOT excusing what your wife is doing and has done, but perhaps this will help someone avoid future problems (and women seeking satisfaction in this manner).

A little about me: I'm a 37-year-old single woman, no children, never been married (focused on career and other things for most of my life). I have been engaged once, and was involved in several happy long-term relationships. However, for the past eight years, I have not dated anyone (the reasons for which are another story).

About four months ago, I was involved in a brief, very intense emotional affair (sexting, erotic messages online, the works) with a 24-year-old man who works at my company. He also has a longtime girlfriend. To this day, I'm not sure why he confessed to having a crush on me, but it doesn't really matter at this point.

Why would I fall for such a situation? It was exciting to feel needed .... thrilling to be told I was beautiful and wanted (sexually) at my age .... and the "high of seduction" made it even better. I was really attracted to this young man, as well; I even entertained thoughts of living happily ever after with him - after he left his girlfriend.

To make a long story short, we both wised up and admitted that what we were doing was wrong. We do not talk anymore, except at work. I also got myself into counseling; I now know this is one of my major problems (inappropriate boundaries).

My point is this: Somewhere along the way, someone's needs were not being met. I am not blaming either of you; I don't know you or your situation. However, not being open and HONEST about your needs, issues, and wants will eventually destroy you and any relationships you have. Running away from your problems (and/or not facing up to them) is a race you will never win.

P.S. I can also say this, Sean, from personal experience: IF your wife leaves, her relationship with the young man will end very quickly, once he's had his "seduction and sex" fix. Words on a screen (or in one's ear) do NOT a relationship make.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

SeanH;491187...
.... She says she knew I was spying and then she proceeds to tell me that she told her friend to purposely send the message just to screw with me so I would read it. Supposedly thats when he sent the "I'll put my **** in your face" comment. /QUOTE said:


> My man said EXACTLY the same. His ex asked him to send dirty texts to see if her bf was reading her phone. So he kindly obliged. He was just sending her dirty texts. Nothing to do with her requests. Except that he thought I was looking in his phone. I wasn't. He said this as a safeguard against me reading his texts.
> 
> He was cheating.


----------

