# I sexually hate my wife!



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

Ok so I have been with my wife for 7 years. I have recently found out that she has lied about her past to me. Why? Damn it, I spilled my guts out to her about my past and she lied to me about hers 4 years ago. I even accepted the fact that she enjoyed her past lovers large ****s but to not tell me all the truth is a game changer. Recently found out she was a huge **** with her past and I have asked her to perform things with me that she said she had never done and would not do with me but I found pics, and videos that proved tougher wise. I confronted her hand she said she would do better. But as to date (3 months ago nothing has changed). WTF! I need help? Why did she lie I told her I would not and have to judged her I just want to experience with her all possibly sexual fun after all she is my wife is that too much to ask? Ready to start finding what I want and need outside our marriage! What do y'all think I should do?


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

I want to add other than sex our marriage is perfect.... But sex plays a part of that doesn't it?


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

Really 9 views and no o e had no suggestions?


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

What's your problem exactly ?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Recently found out she was a huge **** with her past and I have asked her to perform things with me that she said she had never done and would not do with me but I found pics, and videos that proved tougher wise. I confronted her hand she said she would do better. But as to date (3 months ago nothing has changed). WTF! I need help? Why did she lie I told her I would not and have to judged her I just want to experience with her all possibly sexual fun after all she is my wife is that too much to ask? Ready to start finding what I want and need outside our marriage! What do y'all think I should do?


This is possibly the reason why she was economic with the truth. She'd done things in the past that she didn't enjoy and somehow knew that if she told you she'd done those things with others, you would want her to do them with you...

I'm not excusing your wife being untruthful with you, just offering my take on things, OP.

Other than being open and honest about the number of previous lovers we've had, I'm not a great believer in sharing the nitty gritties of what we did with those lovers...


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Maybe she was embarrassed about her past if she was a bit wilder then she confessed to......


----------



## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Really 9 views and no o e had no suggestions?


I suspect this might be because others have ideas, but they can't think of a way to tactfully approach the subject. I however seem to be quite outspoken so I'll get on with it.

I've had the same thing. In a previous relationship my partner was less 'adventurous' with me than I had reason to believe she'd been with other(s).

We were only together for 2 years, so not exactly marriage material, but here's my story, take from it what you will.

Very early on it became obvious that she had trust issues. I figured she'd just been hurt in the past. Then I started hearing bits and pieces around town. Then one night I was awoken by a swift elbow to the ribs. Nothing unusual, until it happened again, then she kicked me. I figured she was having a bad dream so I tried to wake her. At that point she freaked me out. She sat up bolt upright, eyes wide and full of fire, clenched a fist and aimed a proper good punch straight for my face. Not a girly punch, a proper punch that would have hurt if I hadn't blocked it. I grabbed her in a bear hug and restrained her until she awoke, at which point she curled up into the fetal position and started sobbing. It was a couple of weeks later when her long term best friend sat me down to explain what I was dealing with. It turns out that my partner had not been at all truthful with me about her past. See, my partner had been married before, but her husband had been abusive. He made her do things she didn't want to do, and he would regularly come home drunk and beat the living crap out of her. In addition to what I was told by her best friend, I also heard some other disturbing things when I decided to do a bit of detective work myself (I was well connected back then). One claim was that she had been forced into prostitution for a while.

If only 1% of what I was told was true, then it would more than explain why she had issues and had lied to me about her past.

I'm not suggesting for a second that that's the case with your wife, but before you condemn your wife, maybe consider if she is lying to herself as much as you, trying to block out a past experience.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

How did you find pictures and videos that sow otherwise? Where did you get theses....did she have them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She needs to sit down and be honest with you. If she's not able to do so, then that does not bode well for your marriage.

Any kids? If not, dont start yet.

Her past is not what she presented to be. If she's not forthcoming then the amount of trust you vested with her will wane. Then what's left? Sh!t all.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

This thread blends in well with your earlier post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/21436-frustrated.html

Did she burn her candle and now "settled" with you? If so, that sucks since she gave herself so freely when young but would not do so for you as a life partner and spouse. If so, that would suck being plan "Z".


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

mineforever said:


> How did you find pictures and videos that sow otherwise? Where did you get theses....did she have them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I found them on a cd in storage.


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

aug said:


> She needs to sit down and be honest with you. If she's not able to do so, then that does not bode well for your marriage.
> 
> Any kids? If not, dont start yet.
> 
> Her past is not what she presented to be. If she's not forthcoming then the amount of trust you vested with her will wane. Then what's left? Sh!t all.


Yes one, sheis 10 weeks today. Which kills me and pisses me off more. While preg I had asked her to let me take pics and videos (of the adult content) and it never happened. Now I get pissed be Ouse this was our first child and all moments were to be most memorable. But yet I can look at her past pics and vids and see she was not shy about being on camera. I ****ing hate her sexually. I do believe there are souls mates (which I know she is mine) and there are sex mates (apparently she had plenty of those and I am not one of those).


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

aug said:


> This thread blends in well with your earlier post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/21436-frustrated.html
> 
> Did she burn her candle and now "settled" with you? If so, that sucks since she gave herself so freely when young but would not do so for you as a life partner and spouse. If so, that would suck being plan "Z".


Trust me I know this well, that's the hardest part. I am supposed to be her forever but I guess not every thing.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Trust me I know this well, that's the hardest part. I am supposed to be her forever but I guess not every thing.


Did it look like she was enjoying those acts she won't do with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'm confused and maybe you people would help me out on this. If she's married to W.S.Winstonsarah and she knew she had a ........salty past, why would she be keeping something that could be very damaging to her marriage? 

W.S. Is she the only one in the pictures or is she having sex with someone? 

You said you wanted to take a vid or picture when she was pregnant. Are you talking about the birth of your baby or some X rated stuff. if it's the X rated stuff maybe she didn't want to because she was pregnant.


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

treyvion said:


> Did it look like she was enjoying those acts she won't do with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yes there was defiantly enjoyment


----------



## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

@W.S.WinstonSarah, did you see my post #7?


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Yes she was [email protected]@king someone! No birth pics, [email protected] pics is what I wanted. She had plenty of cream pie pics of her and he others spooge on her pus and in it!


 What did she say when you showed her the proof you had? Was she embarrassed? Did she at least give you an explanation? Did she why she kept them? That's what I don't understand especially if she didn't want you to know about her past.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Did you ask her why she has these pictures?
Did you ask her why she agreed to have those pic and vids taken?
Do you think she looks back with fondness? 
Do you think she is denying you these things because you are not worthy or because she didn't like doing them, they made her feel dirty, filthy, used, cheap, degraded, unloved and unlovable?

Have you stopped for a moment and thought beyond you d!ck and though about the regrets she no doubt has? have you considered she wants no part of her past life and doesn't want to relive those memories with anyone very again?

So far your post talks ONLY about what you think and what you feel but mentions ZERO about her thoughts and her feelings.

Stop being a d!ck head and talk to her, ask her what was going on then, what is different now?

Has it occurred to you that she equate those sex acts with being used and degraded and that's why she refuses to bring them into the marriage bed? Just a though..


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Yea thanks pecker face.


It doesn't match his righteous indignation so he needs to ignore it.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Did you ask her why she has these pictures?
> Did you ask her why she agreed to have those pic and vids taken?
> Do you think she looks back with fondness?
> Do you think she is denying you these things because you are not worthy or because she didn't like doing them, they made her feel dirty, filthy, used, cheap, degraded, unloved and unlovable?
> ...


If she felt cheap, used and humiliated and was done with it she would've discarded the footage. People keep it for memories in case they want to view it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Did you ask her why she has these pictures?
> Did you ask her why she agreed to have those pic and vids taken?
> Do you think she looks back with fondness?
> Do you think she is denying you these things because you are not worthy or because she didn't like doing them, they made her feel dirty, filthy, used, cheap, degraded, unloved and unlovable?
> ...


 Anon Pink
I agree with you but if that's the case and she equates these sex acts as being used and degraded then why did she keep them? If it was me in that situation, I would have gotten rid of them a long time ago and took no chance that it would come back and haunt me? Wouldn't you? Lets face it, these picture sure doesn't make a person look very good.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

6301 said:


> Anon Pink
> I agree with you but if that's the case and she equates these sex acts as being used and degraded then why did she keep them? If it was me in that situation, I would have gotten rid of them a long time ago and took no chance that it would come back and haunt me? Wouldn't you? Lets face it, these picture sure doesn't make a person look very good.


It's kinda cheating to hold onto them, don't understand how your supposed to keep your integrity when the other half is behaving as such. We all just want good situations for ourself. Why should it be so difficult?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

6301 said:


> I'm confused and maybe you people would help me out on this. If she's married to W.S.Winstonsarah and she knew she had a ........salty past, *why would she be keeping something that could be very damaging to her marriage?
> *
> W.S. Is she the only one in the pictures or is she having sex with someone?
> 
> You said you wanted to take a vid or picture when she was pregnant. Are you talking about the birth of your baby or some X rated stuff. if it's the X rated stuff maybe she didn't want to because she was pregnant.


And there is the rub. Keeping those memories while denying your husband sends a very clear message.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sinnister said:


> And there is the rub. Keeping those memories while denying your husband sends a very clear message.


I mean It almost says she settled and husband is several notches below on the totem pole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Did you ask her why she has these pictures?
> Did you ask her why she agreed to have those pic and vids taken?
> Do you think she looks back with fondness?
> Do you think she is denying you these things because you are not worthy or because she didn't like doing them, they made her feel dirty, filthy, used, cheap, degraded, unloved and unlovable?
> ...


I'm sorry but there is no way no how she equates those sex acts to negative feelings of degredation or being used. She kept them.....

And telling him to think behind his dck? For real? She's the one who was a freak before marriage, kept the evidence and then turned into the nun once the ring came on.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Bait And Switch (TM)


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, think beyond the fact that she won't do those things with him... If he hadn't included that part, I'd be less inclined to be so skeptical.



> I just want to experience with her all possibly sexual fun after all she is my wife is that too much to ask?





> Which kills me and pisses me off more. While preg I had asked her to let me take pics and videos (of the adult content) and it never happened.





> Ready to start finding what I want and need outside our marriage! What do y'all think I should do?


Here is what no one on this thread knows:
Why does she have those pics? Is she really saving them to look back fondly of all the wild fun times she misses? I say Bull. More than likely she insisted she get every copy, but shoved them in some box instead of destroying them. Why did she do that? I can think of a few reasons number one being she had an inkling she might need them one day as evidence against the POS who abused her? I dont know...maybe?

Bottom line, guy posts about wanting some wild sex with his wife. She just gave birth. He isn't getting hardly any sex at all right now. Isn't this a very familiar story here?

The twist in this story is the pics and vids...BFD! Take out the pics and vids and you have the same story that gets posted every damn day here. Add in the pics and vids and you have a very sexy salacious story that paints his wife, the mother of his baby as the town wh0re. And yet he is not angry about her past, but about her not doing those things with him.

Come on fellas.... 10 week old baby and he's looking for confirmation it's okay to find some strange....


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Come on fellas.... 10 week old baby and he's looking for confirmation it's okay to find some strange....


I see from his first thread in 2011, the issue was there -- just hadnt percolate up prominently. I suppose finding the videos of her sped things up.


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's kinda cheating to hold onto them


You know, that was my first thought too, but I now think I was wrong. Better to listen to Anon Pink now....


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, think beyond the fact that she won't do those things with him... If he hadn't included that part, I'd be less inclined to be so skeptical.
> 
> Here is what no one on this thread knows:
> Why does she have those pics? Is she really saving them to look back fondly of all the wild fun times she misses? I say Bull. More than likely she insisted she get every copy, but shoved them in some box instead of destroying them. Why did she do that? I can think of a few reasons number one being she had an inkling she might need them one day as evidence against the POS who abused her? I dont know...maybe?
> ...


Come over to the ranch I caretake at. You are darn good at shoveling manure. I could use a hand like you.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, think beyond the fact that she won't do those things with him... If he hadn't included that part, I'd be less inclined to be so skeptical.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I totally agree, this thread serves as evidence as to why women lie about their pasts in the first place. Judging from the OP's reaction to this, she can't trust him with any of her secrets without being judged, critized and humiliated. She just gave birth and the only thing on the OP's mind is to humiliate his wife with what she did in the past. Not only that he feels entitled to make her repeat these acts with him. All because he found some tapes of her seemingly enjoying herself with these men. Porn actresses seem to enjoy themselves onscreen to, but they are faking.

The OP has to understand that she wants to leave her past in the past, she could have kept the tapes for any number of reasons. He would do better to get off of his high horse and stop browbeating his wife. All it shows is that you are insecure, she married you so feel satisfied with that. A marriage license does not give you the right to humiliate your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Many people experiment sexually, and having tried some things they may not like them enough to want to do them again. I've tried things I don't want to do again.

There's also the possibility that before settling down she explored these things with so-called "alpha" males, and sees you as a reliable long-term relationship beta type, who doesn't inspire that kind of adventurous sex.

Regardless, details of her past sexual exploits are really none of your business. Many people can't handle knowing too much, and you sure got more than you ever wanted, including explicit visuals. You found the CD and just had to look though, and are now suffering the insecurity of knowing her past exploits aren't part of her repertoire with you. Too bad she didn't think to trash that CD long ago, but oversights happen.

Anyway, the damage is done. How you deal with it now is the issue. Anger and hurt will get you nowhere, demands will backfire. Calm discussions of your sexual relationship now and going forward are the best hope of resolving this in a way you can both accept and enjoy. I just hope you haven't burned your bridges with her, if you hope to make this relationship work out.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

techmom said:


> I totally agree, this thread serves as evidence as to why women lie about their pasts in the first place. Judging from the OP's reaction to this, she can't trust him with any of her secrets without being judged, critized and humiliated. She just gave birth and the only thing on the OP's mind is to humiliate his wife with what she did in the past. Not only that he feels entitled to make her repeat these acts with him. All because he found some tapes of her seemingly enjoying herself with these men. Porn actresses seem to enjoy themselves onscreen to, but they are faking.
> 
> The OP has to understand that she wants to leave her past in the past, she could have kept the tapes for any number of reasons. He would do better to get off of his high horse and stop browbeating his wife. All it shows is that you are insecure, she married you so feel satisfied with that. A marriage license does not give you the right to humiliate your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

The only thing I would add is: although I understand OP's frustration of not getting much sex since his wife just had a baby. It seems he is a bit selfish and doesn't have much respect for his wife - regardless of the videos.


----------



## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Ok so I have been with my wife for 7 years. I have recently found out that she has lied about her past to me. Why? Damn it, I spilled my guts out to her about my past and she lied to me about hers 4 years ago. I even accepted the fact that she enjoyed her past lovers large ****s but to not tell me all the truth is a game changer. Recently found out she was a huge **** with her past and I have asked her to perform things with me that she said she had never done and would not do with me but I found pics, and videos that proved tougher wise. I confronted her hand she said she would do better. But as to date (3 months ago nothing has changed). WTF! I need help? Why did she lie I told her I would not and have to judged her I just want to experience with her all possibly sexual fun after all she is my wife is that too much to ask? Ready to start finding what I want and need outside our marriage! What do y'all think I should do?


I think you needn't cheat on your wife because you're unhappy. Me personally, I wouldn't care if my wife didn't divulge her sexual proclivities in their entirety. She did, and I was a little shocked at what I heard. It didn't bother me because it was her PAST. If she had a kid, abortion, drug problem, cheated before, married before, killed someone before, etc etc, I could see the anger of not being told. She had sex with someone before you. That is pretty normal. Right now you're feeling inadequate. You're feeling upset because the sex is vanilla. My wife had a pretty sordid past, and as time went on her views on sex changed. She's pretty conservative now. She rarely thinks of her past, and when she does, she thinks of herself as a *****. Maybe she tries not the think about her past, didn't see the relevance of bringing up what she perceived to be a ****ty life before you and feels those acts with you would mean she's a *****. You guys need to talk more.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

You've used the word "hate" several times now to describe how this makes you feel about your wife. Do you mean that? If you do, I don't think we can help you here, you need to see a professional. And if you don't, frankly, you also need to see a professional. 

My fear is that you're verbally abusive to your wife. Do you think you are? Do you say things to her to make her feel bad about herself? You called her a ***** on a public message board. I'm not surprised she didn't share her past with you.

Please go and work this out with a marriage counselor.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

northernlights said:


> You've used the word "hate" several times now to describe how this makes you feel about your wife. Do you mean that? If you do, I don't think we can help you here, you need to see a professional. And if you don't, frankly, you also need to see a professional.
> 
> My fear is that you're verbally abusive to your wife. Do you think you are? Do you say things to her to make her feel bad about herself? You called her a ***** on a public message board. I'm not surprised she didn't share her past with you.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> There's also the possibility that before settling down she explored these things with so-called "alpha" males, and sees you as a reliable long-term relationship beta type, who doesn't inspire that kind of adventurous sex.
> 
> Regardless, details of her past sexual exploits are really none of your business.


Really? He's supposed to be OK with this? Being used as a paycheck while lusting after exes is OK? Are you a guy?


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> I think you needn't cheat on your wife because you're unhappy. Me personally, I wouldn't care if my wife didn't divulge her sexual proclivities in their entirety. She did, and I was a little shocked at what I heard. It didn't bother me because it was her PAST. If she had a kid, abortion, drug problem, cheated before, married before, killed someone before, etc etc, I could see the anger of not being told. She had sex with someone before you. That is pretty normal. Right now you're feeling inadequate. You're feeling upset because the sex is vanilla. My wife had a pretty sordid past, and as time went on her views on sex changed. She's pretty conservative now. She rarely thinks of her past, and when she does, she thinks of herself as a *****. Maybe she tries not the think about her past, didn't see the relevance of bringing up what she perceived to be a ****ty life before you and feels those acts with you would mean she's a *****. You guys need to talk more.


You're OK with her being wild for other men but not the love of her life?


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

The mental gymnastics that people are performing to justify her keeping the pictures is absurd:

She actually hated doing those things (despite the OP writing that she is enjoying it in the pictures) and kept the photos to be used as proof of abuse. WTF?

I really want to be positive but in threads like this one the overwhelming refrain from women is "Of course you deserve vanilla sex, you're her husband, DUH!"


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ntamph said:


> The mental gymnastics that people are performing to justify her keeping the pictures is absurd:
> 
> She actually hated doing those things (despite the OP writing that she is enjoying it in the pictures) and kept the photos to be used as proof of abuse. WTF?
> 
> I really want to be positive but in threads like this one the overwhelming refrain from women is "Of course you deserve vanilla sex, you're her husband, DUH!"


Burying your head in the sand or lying to yourself about it is not good for you mentally. If she enjoyed these acts forbidden to the husband she can enjoy this and more with the husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OK, I am going to stick my neck out here....

Generally speaking (I understand there is exceptions to everything): Women innately do not like porn or kink. Having said that, society says we not only should, but must.

When I was growing up, the sexual revolution was in full swing. Woman were now not only being told that it was shameful to want to be a SAHM, but we must not only perform sex and other sexual acts outside of marriage, but we should ENJOY doing it. This mind set has become common place in todays world. It doesn't matter that deep down we don't want to and we don't enjoy some of the performances, we have to tell ourselves that we do because we are made to feel like freaks if we don't.

When we finally become true to ourselves, WE DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY MORE. We find a man who will love and respect us for who we are, not who society says we should be.

I don't know you or your wife. But if she didn't come clean with this it is most likely because even though she APPEARS to be enjoying it in those pictures and CD's, she probably wasn't. She was probably acting or stoned, or both.

When women are forced to perform in ways they are not comfortable with because society says so, or their husband insists, it diminishes who they are, they loose respect for themselves, begin to hate themselves - and you (husband) in the process. This has absolutely nothing to do with how she shared this great sexual act with this other guy but won't with the love of her life. *This has everything to do with how she feels about herself.*

I don't know why she kept those pictures and CD's. Maybe she wanted a reminder of how she let herself be manipulated so she would never go back there again.

Basically OP, you have two choices. You can let this go and love her for who she is now. Or you can build up resentment and ruin your marriage.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you're not happy with your sex life, and your wife is unwilling to open up to you sexually be way she did with the men in her past, then this is her hang up, not yours. She is choosing to be incompatible. Tell her thank you for being a good wife, but that you need more than she can give and go about seeking an amicable divorce. It is obvious she likes you as a husband but is not into you sexually. Women like what they like. For one reason or another you do not rock her world. End this unfulfilling marriage and find a woman who is into you.

And I agree that she kept those pics out of fondness and nostalgia. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> If you're not happy with your sex life, and your wife is unwilling to open up to you sexually be way she did with the men in her past, then this is her hang up, not yours. She is choosing to be incompatible. Tell her thank you for being a good wife, but that you need more than she can give and go about seeking an amicable divorce. It is obvious she likes you as a husband but is not into you sexually. Women like what they like. For one reason or another you do not rock her world. End this unfulfilling marriage and find a woman who is into you.
> 
> And I agree that she kept those pics out of fondness and nostalgia.
> 
> ...


I agree.

OP, she lied to you and refuses to do anything to improve your marriage. You should divorce her.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Drives me crazy! Most of the men focus only on the fact that she gave something to someone else that she won't give to you....don't ask why, Don't try to figure it out, just beat your chest, allow your lower lip to droop as you sulk in the corner wanking... Very Alpha!


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Drives me crazy! Most of the men focus only on the fact that she gave something to someone else that she won't give to you....don't ask why, Don't try to figure it out, just beat your chest, allow your lower lip to droop as you sulk in the corner wanking... Very Alpha!


You and other posters have told the OP to NOT ask about the things she did.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

ntamph said:


> You and other posters have told the OP to NOT ask about the things she did.


Evidentially because he would act like an entitled imbecile, like he's doing now. He just wants justification to cheat, that's it. It has nothing to do with honesty or whatever. He's going through a dry period after the birth of his baby and is feeling frustrated. The men who are saying that he should divorce his wife are being omega twerps. You prize kinky sex so much as to break up a family because of what the wife did BEFORE SHE WAS MARRIED. Maybe if the OP would cool out and wait then she would come around.

You don't browbeat and shame a woman into kinky sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Ok so I have been with my wife for 7 years. I have recently found out that she has lied about her past to me. Why? Damn it, I spilled my guts out to her about my past and she lied to me about hers 4 years ago. I even accepted the fact that she enjoyed her past lovers large ****s but to not tell me all the truth is a game changer. Recently found out she was a huge **** with her past and I have asked her to perform things with me that she said she had never done and would not do with me but I found pics, and videos that proved tougher wise. I confronted her hand she said she would do better. But as to date (3 months ago nothing has changed). WTF! I need help? Why did she lie I told her I would not and have to judged her I just want to experience with her all possibly sexual fun after all she is my wife is that too much to ask? Ready to start finding what I want and need outside our marriage! What do y'all think I should do?



You may of told her about your sexual past, which is good but she doesn't have to do the same thing.

She might really love you and not those others guys, which was mainly just sex.

She may not want to hurt your ego and feelings, letting you know she likes guys with big ****s?!

How would I feel if I found out my wife's ex bf has a 12 inch long ****? I told her about my ex gf!!! The reason she wouldn't tell me this, again, the male ego and hurt my feelings, make me feel inadequate, etc.

If your wife found out you had sex with women that love anal all the way in and huge breasts, and she doesn't love anal and has average to smaller breasts, how would she feel? Would you really tell her that?


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

JustHer said:


> I don't know why she kept those pictures and CD's. Maybe she wanted a reminder of how she let herself be manipulated so she would never go back there again.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

techmom said:


> Evidentially because he would act like an entitled imbecile, like he's doing now. He just wants justification to cheat, that's it. It has nothing to do with honesty or whatever. *He's going through a dry period after the birth of his baby and is feeling frustrated.* The men who are saying that he should divorce his wife are being omega twerps. You prize kinky sex so much as to break up a family because of what the wife did BEFORE SHE WAS MARRIED. Maybe if the OP would cool out and wait then she would come around.
> 
> *You don't browbeat and shame a woman into kinky sex.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



If you look at his first thread, this issue started well before the birth, in fact, in 2011.

A woman is not shameable into kinky sex if she was consistently doing it in her past with several lovers. I would think she got over that shame years ago.

It's obvious she's settled and not willing to be wild with her husband like she was with her past lovers. Familiarity breeds contempt.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I thought I'd start my reply by pulling out quotes from all the posters who mentioned that because the woman saved the videos, she must be proud of those days, long for those days, still want to relive those days, etc. But there were so many such posts, and it's rather discouraging and disturbing. 

I don't know why she still has the video, but I can tell you that I still have much evidence of my sexual behavior, fantasies, and partners in a box somewhere. It's part of ME. It's part of who I was and who I am. Do I sift through it longingly? No. Do I even think about it very often? No. It had nothing to do with my marriage or my current sex life--it is my past, my youth, a testament to how much I've grown and changed. Why should I destroy it? 

AND NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DO I THINK MY HUSBAND WOULD DISRESPECT ME ENOUGH TO 1) SNOOP THROUGH IT AND 2) USE IT TO CRITIQUE AND COMPARE WHAT I OFFER TO HIM SEXUALLY.

OP, your wife's sexuality--past and present-- is not yours. It is a very, very important part of her being that she chooses to share with you. It is a living, organic part of her that can and does change with age, circumstance, education and experience. Until you understand and accept this, you can cry foul until you are red in the face, but your wife won't open up to you sexually except, perhaps, to shut you up. If that is enough for you, then by all means, kept on the track you are on. 

Some men quickly default to feeling "not good enough" or "not loved enough" or --my favorite--"lied to and misled" when they don't get what they want sexually. I'm not saying that those are never the reasons, but they should never be the knee jerk reaction when you're not getting what you want or need sexually. 

You wife very well might find you more sexually satisfying that any of the men featured in those videos. It seems to be a really, really difficult thing for some men to accept, but a woman's sexual behavior does not necessarily define her desire. I have been different and done different things with every man I've been with. Women are not robots with a pre-programmed set of sexual behaviors that you can flip though and use at your leisure. What she was able to do with someone else might not be available to you. All this talk about how she's not being honest or sharing herself with you fully or honoring what it means to be married to someone is crap.

A woman forfeits NOT ONE IOTA of agency over her sexuality upon getting married. If you cannot deal with this, then I'd posit that you'd benefit from seeking help to better understand and accept it.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

This thread really confirms to me that marriage in general is a bad idea for men.

Boyfriends never post here about these kinds of problems. Only husbands.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ntamph said:


> This thread really confirms to me that marriage in general is a bad idea for men.
> 
> Boyfriends never post here about these kinds of problems. Only husbands.



I honestly think that they want what they currently don't have and once they have it, the desire and chase are over and they just get comfy and that fun part is now over with. So yes, marriage is bad for men in that regard but overall, marriage is a great thing.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Goodness, I just read some of the replies to this post more carefully. 

My husband is not home right now, but when he gets back, I'm going to throw my arms around him and never let him go. He could hold my past against me, obsess about what it means for his own sex life, and use it to make me feel inadequate and shamed in the bedroom. 

But he never has, despite the considerable ups and downs of our sexual history, and he never will--which is why that beautiful leather whip he designed and handmade for me will be in full swing tonight.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ntamph said:


> This thread really confirms to me that marriage in general is a bad idea for men.
> 
> Boyfriends never post here about these kinds of problems. Only husbands.


Only _unhappy_ husbands, usually. I'd guess boyfriends don't post because they don't feel trapped by circumstances, and feel they can bail if they're not getting the sex life they want/think they deserve. 

Marriage is not for the faint of heart, to be sure. A long term marriage that includes the complexities of parenthood, advancing careers, homeownership and money management, and relationships with extended family are not to be compared with most pre-marriage romantic relationships. 

Count on lots of hard work and effort. For some, the rewards can be great. Other never learn to stop looking back.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Only _unhappy_ husbands, usually. I'd guess boyfriends don't post because they don't feel trapped by circumstances, and feel they can bail if they're not getting the sex life they want/think they deserve.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> Only _unhappy_ husbands, usually. I'd guess boyfriends don't post because they don't feel trapped by circumstances, and feel they can bail if they're not getting the sex life they want/think they deserve.
> 
> Marriage is not for the faint of heart, to be sure. A long term marriage that includes the complexities of parenthood, advancing careers, homeownership and money management, and relationships with extended family are not to be compared with most pre-marriage romantic relationships.
> 
> Count on lots of hard work and effort. For some, the rewards can be great. Other never learn to stop looking back.



Perfectly said.:smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

ntamph said:


> This thread really confirms to me that marriage in general is a bad idea for men.
> 
> Boyfriends never post here about these kinds of problems. Only husbands.


Did you ever speak to a guy who had only girlfriends and was never married? Are those the happiest men you ever met? Really?

I know the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, however it'll be nice to know that you have your wife at home while those wild single dudes you envy are out there chasing tail. Sometimes they catch some, sometimes they don't. 

Another interesting tidbit is that once in a while the va jay jay ain't so fresh so you would catch something called a STD for all of your trouble and hard work. And good luck finding out who it came from buddy. That and a host of other problems should keep you busy from complaining about the kinky sex you don't get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Roleplaying is everything for some spouses. 

In your wife's case, while she was single she was playing a role: single hot blooded female, hot in the sack and eager to try new things. 

The men she was having kinky sex with meant nothing to her. She felt free to fly her freak flag because those were flings and ONSs with men who she could have fun with and then walk away and forget. She did not care how they perceived her because she was getting her ego stroked and her sexual needs fulfilled. That was the role she was playing, and those men had their defined roles. 

Then she settled down and chose a husband: you. 

It is important that she have total control in how you perceive her, since she is going to be living with you every day for he rest of her life. This role she is playing now is diifferent: respectable wife, mother and pillar of the neighborhood. She cannot have you perceiving her as a sexually adventurous woman, because that conflicts with her new role. She feels you will not respect her and give the honor and veneration she is due. So, you don't get any of that good stuff. And you are not playing the role she set out for you by asking her to do those things. 

It's all about control, and who has the most control in the marriage. It is vitally important to her that you fall in line. You will never get to enjoy the forbidden fruit she shared with those other men, because that is not your place. So suck it up, take the scraps she throws you and find a hobby that will make up for what you feel you are not getting.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Goodness, I just read some of the replies to this post more carefully.
> 
> My husband is not home right now, but when he gets back, I'm going to throw my arms around him and never let him go. He could hold my past against me, obsess about what it means for his own sex life, and use it to make me feel inadequate and shamed in the bedroom.
> 
> But he never has, despite the considerable ups and downs of our sexual history, and he never will--which is why that beautiful leather whip he designed and handmade for me will be in full swing tonight.


Damn! Some girls have all the luck.


----------



## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I think it's an amazing and wonderful thing to be able to have a partner whom you're able to share your sexual past with - to a degree in which you both feel comfortable. 

I cannot fathom why OP would want to sit and watch videos of his wife having those relations with other men!

If you found them, popped one in - once you realized what you were watching it would have been best for your mental health to STOP and confront her about it. 

Having those images seared into your brain does not bode well for your future. 

I can see how you feel betrayed, whenever someone lies after bring outright asked - I think that's awful and cause to feel betrayed regardless of the subject matter. 

Don't go outside of your relationship. 
She lied about the PAST. 
She's not cheating on you now. She didn't bring anyone else into your relationship. She brought a box of movies. 

You need to find out her internal reasoning for keeping it. We can speculate all day long, but you need to talk to your wife.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ask her who did the filming and picture taking. And ask her to please not lie to you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Ask her who did the filming and picture taking. And ask her to please not lie to you again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ohh...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I hope there wasn't a second man filming those sex sessions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So where did you go W.S.? You called someone a peckerface and just storm out like a petulant child?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> So where did you go W.S.? You called someone a peckerface and just storm out like a petulant child?


All 3 of his posts on this thread were nothing more than the rantings of a petulant child, when he didn't get unanimous support to cheat, he took his toys and went home.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Bottom line is that the op's wife just isn't as into him as she was past lovers. She settled for a provider husband. It's the same ole story.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bottom line is that the op's wife just isn't as into him as she was past lovers. She settled for a provider husband. It's the same ole story.


Exactly.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bottom line is that the op's wife just isn't as into him as she was past lovers. She settled for a provider husband. It's the same ole story.


Ditto. :iagree::iagree:


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bottom line is that the op's wife just isn't as into him as she was past lovers. She settled for a provider husband. It's the same ole story.


It's the same response from the men, even though we have 5 pages of women expressing different views....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

techmom said:


> It's the same response from the men, even though we have 5 pages of women expressing different views....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right, but look at which women.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Right, but look at which women.


Wait... Women actually admitted to the "settling for the provider husband theory"?


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No there's a pack of women who think husbands should be happy with whatever scraps they're given. Especially if the wife was adventurous with the men before him.


The general consenus was that women experiment when they are single and they find out what they like and what they don't. Does not mean that after they are married they will deny their husband because she is not as attracted to him. It means that she must not have liked EVERY SINGLE SEX ACT SHE EVER DID WITH EVERY EX.

I hope I made myself clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

techmom said:


> The general consenus was that women experiment when they are single and they find out what they like and what they don't. Does not mean that after they are married they will deny their husband because she is not as attracted to him. It means that she must not have liked EVERY SINGLE SEX ACT SHE EVER DID WITH EVERY EX.
> 
> I hope I made myself clear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. It means she was more into her previous lovers sexually and she settled on her husband. You can save the spiel for your husband, I'm already clear on reality.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You wanted to take pics of her while pregnant. Ehhhhh, turn off for me. Was she into that? I would think a pregnant woman, a woman pregnant with YOUR baby, would be sacred. I dunno.

Maybe she lied because she did things with people that she didn't respect about herself ebcause she was trying to "win" their love. Maybe with you, she knows you love her and she feels safe to just be who she is. Most likely, if she had liked those things, she'd be doing them with you. My likes never changed (well, only when my husband turned out to be a liar then I didn't want him at all).

Now you have a 10 week old child. Sex probably isn't a priority for her because taking care of a newborn is taxing and when you're being bothered all day by one being, you really don't want to feel bothered at night by another being. If sex is a "problem" and always a discussion, I'd not want to have sex either.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No. It means she was more into her previous lovers sexually and she settled on her husband. You can save the spiel for your husband, I'm already clear on reality.


Yes and no.

I have done everything with my husband that I ever did with an ex. 

Even anal, to which I said I didn't like but would try with him. I still hated it. Never again.

My husband wouldn't use toys. He used toys before and didn't like them. I liked toys with exes. Should I have made a big deal about it? Maybe. I didn't though and still had good sex.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> If you're not happy with your sex life, and your wife is unwilling to open up to you sexually be way she did with the men in her past, then this is her hang up, not yours. She is choosing to be incompatible. Tell her thank you for being a good wife, but that you need more than she can give and go about seeking an amicable divorce. It is obvious she likes you as a husband but is not into you sexually. Women like what they like. * For one reason or another you do not rock her world. *End this unfulfilling marriage and find a woman who is into you.
> 
> And I agree that she kept those pics out of fondness and nostalgia.
> 
> ...


Yessssssssss.

Or, you've made yourself unattractive by begging/bugging/etc. I dunt know...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yes and no.
> 
> I have done everything with my husband that I ever did with an ex.
> 
> ...


But if you have another serious relationship.. according to the rules some men have you will have to anal with him too or else it's proof that you are not into you new guy. According to some of the men you have no right not do anal with him.. you did not once so you have to do it with him.

See that's where it gets weird to me...


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> But if you have another serious relationship.. according to the rules some men have you will have to anal with him too or else it's proof that you are not into you new guy. According to some of the men you have no right not do anal with him.. you did not once so you have to do it with him.
> 
> See that's where it gets weird to me...


Yea. Never doing anal again. After that one time...too graphic for this. I'll gladly tell the details to my new partner. Cause nothing is going into my butt again. Nothing.

If that's a deal breaker, so be it.

Funny how men demand all these things but I'm pretty good with sex and what people want. The whole "respect" thing.

My husband married me because we were compatible sexually and other things. 

I dunno. If you wanted a "slvt", OP, why'd you marry her?


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No. It means she was more into her previous lovers sexually and she settled on her husband. You can save the spiel for your husband, I'm already clear on reality.


You just see where that bitter theory gets you. Acting entitled and bitter because the wife doesn't do every sex act she did in the past. They are called exes for a reason, if she was so into them she would have stayed with them. Your tunnel vision will do your marriage harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

techmom said:


> because the wife doesn't do every sex act she did in the past.


Hahahahaha sorry you're confusing me with the op.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Smart women don't provide details about what they have done with previous lovers. If an interested man decides the information is vital to him, let him go. He is not compatible. 

Judging from what I have read on this forum, if you tried anal sex at any time during sexual experimentation, you lose the right of refusal. It is a service you are required to offer to every subsequent lover, weather you liked it or not. 

I think men and women have a right to explore their sexuality and decide what they want to happen to their bodies. 

It's paramount to be honest about our past and honest about what we like sexually. But i cant see what good it would do to share details such as positions, acts that were tried and sizes of past penises. 

Nevertheless, if it is important to a man to know those details he has a right to ask. She has a right to refuse to answer and they both have a right to move on.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Yea. Never doing anal again. After that one time...too graphic for this. I'll gladly tell the details to my new partner. Cause nothing is going into my butt again. Nothing.


Do you want to share the graphic details with your buddies on TAM?



that_girl said:


> If that's a deal breaker, so be it.


I'm sure for someone it is a deal breaker.



that_girl said:


> Funny how men demand all these things but I'm pretty good with sex and what people want. The whole "respect" thing.


Agree with it. If you know from your experience that you just cannot do it, then you cannot do it... Hubby needs to respect this.



that_girl said:


> My husband married me because we were compatible sexually and other things.
> 
> I dunno. If you wanted a "slvt", OP, why'd you marry her?


Some of us men would like your sigificant others to be a "****" for us, but not with others.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hahahahaha sorry you're confusing me with the op.


HAhaha because both of you have the same tunnel vision view regarding this. This is why women lie about what they did in the past, nothing good comes from divulging that information. Especially to insecure partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Smart women don't provide details about what they have done with previous lovers. If an interested man decides the information is vital to him, let him go. He is not compatible.
> 
> Judging from what I have read on this forum, if you tried anal sex at any time during sexual experimentation, you lose the right of refusal. It is a service you are required to offer to every subsequent lover, weather you liked it or not.
> 
> ...


Amen to this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

techmom said:


> HAhaha because both of you have the same tunnel vision view regarding this. This is why women lie about what they did in the past, nothing good comes from divulging that information. Especially to insecure partners.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does calling me insecure make you feel better about yourself?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If a 21 yr old man is talked into being receptive to anal sex by his gf of 2 yrs, is he required to do it with every subsequent gf who wants it? 

I've read that pegging is becoming more mainstream. I wonder if men will become more understanding about choice and control when they are faced with sexual challenges. 

I really don't understand why a man would feel that his wife does not love him or is not attracted because she will not have anal sex. She may not like it now that she has tried it. 

She could think that a man who insist on a sexual act that hurts her and brings him pleasure, does not love her.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Does calling me insecure make you feel better about yourself?


Anybody who feels "not loved enough" by a spouse because they won't perform sex acts that they did in the past regardless of the reason is insecure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> If a 21 yr old man is talked into being receptive to anal sex by his gf of 2 yrs, is he required to do it with every subsequent gf who wants it?
> 
> I've read that pegging is becoming more mainstream. I wonder if men will become more understanding about choice and control when they are faced with sexual challenges.
> 
> ...


The op's wife did things over and over and went so far as to film it and save the videos. We're not talking about a one off.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

techmom said:


> Anybody who feels "not loved enough" by a spouse because they won't perform sex acts that they did in the past regardless of the reason is insecure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know why you're posting this stuff. It's ok.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Pegging ?!?! 

I had to Google that. Glad I'm not a young guy these days !


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You did not answer my question. In my hypothetical situation, he had receptive anal sex for 2 yrs. not one time. 

Do you think he is required to have receptive anal sex with any gf who wants? Is he required to tell each subsequent woman that he did this?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

barbados said:


> Pegging ?!?!
> 
> I had to Google that. Glad I'm not a young guy these days !


Bend over boy friend. I have very frank early 20's nieces and nephews. I prefer not to hear this stuff because I am thinking of my kids 15 or so years from now. Makes me cring.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> You did not answer my question. In my hypothetical situation, he had receptive anal sex for 2 yrs. not one time.
> 
> Do you think he is required to have receptive anal sex with any gf who wants? Is he required to tell each subsequent woman that he did this?


So in this hypothetical he did it willingly for 2 years and now his wife (not a casual girlfriend) really wants it? Yes, I think he should do it if he really loves her. He should definitely disclose that he did it, it might be a deal breaker for her.

But no, not for any subsequent woman. It's the same standard I have for women. These acts aren't for every partner, but for the one you love.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I think sexual pasts should remain just that.

Now if both individuals want to bring it up and discuss everything they previously did, they do that but with consequences.

So generally don't talk about your sexual past. Just use it to wow your current bf / gf and knock their socks off. Use everything you've learned and experienced to add to the relationship / marriage.

Pegging? Had to look that one up too. Not my cup of tea, thanks. Only way I would consider it with my wifee, if she wanted me to do her anally all the way, otherwise, nope.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I know why you're posting this stuff. It's ok.


Please explain yourself, thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Do you want to share the graphic details with your buddies on TAM?


It's here if you dig for it. And I understand why she doesn't after what happened.


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

w.s.winstonsarah: I'm having a hard time dealing with much of this thread. May not be worth anything to you, but to greatly oversimplify, IMHO:

Your wife did not do the things you wrote of because she was strong, she did them because she is weak. A strong person would not have handled the situations that way. A strong person would not have lied in the way you described. Weak people lie.

And from the way you described it, especially the, "Ready to start finding what I want and need outside our marriage!" you are weak. What a weak thing to write. Weak people are shaken to the core within an otherwise "perfect" "marriage" (your words), and put the worst possible interpretation on something like this. *One or the other, and hopefully both of you, better find a way to become strong.*



GettingIt said:


> ...I still have much evidence of my sexual behavior, fantasies, and partners in a box somewhere. It's part of ME. It's part of who I was and who I am. Do I sift through it longingly? No. Do I even think about it very often? No. It had nothing to do with my marriage or my current sex life--it is my past, my youth, a testament to how much I've grown and changed. Why should I destroy it?


Within the very particulars you wrote of, memories of the past, no corrosive issues reaching out into the present, even add a few white lies or omissions in comparing past with present, and within the precise and almost legalistic logic you use, I agree with your post.

In general, I do not agree, because I think it's usual for there to be significant corrosivity reaching out through time. See post #7 for an extreme example. In a marriage, the boxes from the past, both physical and more importantly psychological, need to be explored, and better in a controlled way than in an uncontrolled way, as was the case here.

Parenthetically, in my case, the problem is that my boxes are rather empty. As a young adult I felt extremely undesirable, and just a few days ago I was revisiting this with my wife, helping her to understand why certain objectively mild rejections of hers have sometimes made me fly off the handle.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The op's wife did things over and over and went so far as to film it and save the videos. We're not talking about a one off.


And then lied about her history, after her husband told her everything about his. That is what is at the heart of his hurt. She misrepresented who she was sexually. That is what he is hung up on. 

I agree with what Bandit.45 said. It's all about image with her. Not about honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So in this hypothetical he did it willingly for 2 years and now his wife (not a casual girlfriend) really wants it? *Yes, I think he should do it if he really loves her.* He should definitely disclose that he did it, it might be a deal breaker for her.
> 
> But no, not for any subsequent woman. It's the same standard I have for women. These acts aren't for every partner, but for the one you love.


That is pure bull sh!t, not to mention very superficial. Can you not think of very valid reasons why a man might engage in pegging during the course of a relationship and when it ended, decide that that sex act was no longer an option for him?

Are men incapable of personal growth? Are men incapable of certain feelings and only capable of full steam ahead when it comes to sexual variations?

Maybe he learned, during the course of that relationship that pegging hurts an awful lot and if his partner really loved him, she wouldn't ask to hurt him?

Maybe he learned that being dominated isn't all he hoped it would be and he now fully embraces his authentic self and that self doesn't want to be submissive?

Maybe he learned not to trust a woman who wants to peg his ass and therefore when his wife suggests it, his internal alarm bells tell him to get out of this marriage?

Maybe whatever was going on his life back then has been resolved and he no longer wishes to "do anything" in order to keep his partner engaged and committed to him?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LostViking said:


> And then lied about her history, after her husband told her everything about his. That is what is at the heart of his hurt. She misrepresented who she was sexually. *That is what he is hung up on. *
> 
> I agree with what Bandit.45 said. It's all about image with her. Not about honesty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's not what he was hung up on. He was upset because she wouldn't make porn with him during her pregnancy. That is kind of creepy and you'd be hard pressed to find any woman willing to make private porn during pregnancy!


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> That is pure bull sh!t, not to mention very superficial. Can you not think of very valid reasons why a man might engage in pegging during the course of a relationship and when it ended, decide that that sex act was no longer an option for him?
> 
> Are men incapable of personal growth? Are men incapable of certain feelings and only capable of full steam ahead when it comes to sexual variations?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It's my guess that the response would be same if she had in fact told her H that she'd tried some of these sexual acts during her experimental stage, but didn't like them and didn't want to engage in them again...


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Maybe she didn't really enjoy what she was doing in the videos??? Of course she was smiling/groaning in them. That had to be part of the act, right? 

Personally, I can't get over the fact that the OP has a ten-week old baby and is complaining that his wife won't do wild sex with him. After having my first, I was still so sore that I wasn't having sex AT ALL yet. If my husband were to complain that I wasn't doing all of these wild sex acts with him when I was lucky to sneak in a shower around a newborn, I probably would have walked out the door and stayed with my parents for a while. 

OP, the past is the past. If you're not happy with your present sex life, wait a few months (until the baby is a little older) and approach your wife in a loving way.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

ntamph said:


> This thread really confirms to me that marriage in general is a bad idea for men.
> 
> Boyfriends never post here about these kinds of problems. Only husbands.


Then, by all means, do. not. get. married. Because there WILL be changes as you age, as you have children, etc... Marriage and raising children is hard work, and you will have to put someone else's needs before your own most of the time.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I frequently see posts espousing umbrage over "dishonesty" from a spouse about sexual pasts. For the most part (not always), blaming dishonesty is a red herring. It's about control. There are folks out there who just can't abide that they can't get what they want from their partner. 

Where is the generosity of heart? Where is human understanding and, yes, forgiveness for those we purportedly love? 

Who among us turns over our soul when we marry? Who doesn't have regrets and discomforts and secrets about our lives before we joined with our spouses? Is marriage to be a denial of the self? 

The assumptions, the accusations, the thinly veiled contempt shown here towards those who would dare to hold a part of themselves inviolate is horrifying. Still, I remind myself with hope that this is the internet, and that some of the venom is meant to deflect the sting of having one's own concept of marriage corrupted by the knowledge and experience of others. 

There is so much to be learned here, but some come only to fearfully search for validation. I wonder at the lives of individuals whose only response to the woman in the OP's story is contempt and ridicule. Unhappiness is a cage from which is surely can be difficult to escape, and more the pity that the cage so often ensnares others.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Notice the OP is gone from the thread? What you do before you are married is no one's business but your own. She choose to tell (not smart on her part and not smart to keep video) OP needs to live in the real word.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It seems like the focus of this thread has gone to more extreme examples of sexual acts where there is a general dislike of the act because of pain and such. I am not saying that anal and pegging are extreme, but acts that are physically painful and truly dreaded by someone. Unlike most situations, the extremes here are getting into the grey areas. The grey area being should there be any reasonable expectation of doing something that causes physical pain. For me, if my partner had done something in the past that caused her physical pain to the point where se REALLY didn't want to do something, and I knew it did, that means we would have already talked about it, and I think it would be disrespectful of me to EXPECT her to do it with me. Now that said, I know myself well enough to know that if she offered to do it even with it causing her pain, that would probably mean more to me than the actual act itself, and there is no way I would carry through.

I think it is more instructive to look at more mundane things, and I have a couple of examples with my STBW, one sexual and one not. My STBW used to make her ex husband plate of food for him at virtually every meal and bring it to him before she would get her own. She never even offered to do that for me. A huge part of me isn't bothered in the least by that. She isn't my servant. I can get my own plate. But there is a very small part of me that feels like if she would do that for him, would be willing to serve him in that way, why not me. Why not even the offer. We actually talked about this once, and she did ask me if I'd like it if she did that for me. I have a feeling that if I said yeah, I'd like that, that she'd do it. It would obviously be something she didn't realy want to do or else she already would be doing it. I think my point on this one is that this is something mundane she did for an ex that she never even offered to do for me. Do I feel slighted? Not really, but the offer would speak volumes.

Sexually, my STBW had a very active past. Much more active than mine. She has done a lot of things I never have. THings I would never expect her to do with me because I understand the mindset she had at the time she did some of the things she did because they were physically and emotionall painful for her. One mundane thing though is her being on top. Cowgirl. She is not a big fan of it because she just doesn't get much out of it and her knees ache after doing it for a while. It is one of those things that she could take it or leave it. I happen to be a big fan of cow girl. One sure way to get me off pretty quickly with some really powerful O's. I know she's done it in the past, and quite a lot. I can understand why past partners would like it with her. The visual is incredible. This is a case where she could easily say, nah I don't want to do that any more because I just don't really get much out of it. It is also a case where I would feel very slighted if she didn't. There is no emotional or physical pain for her, it's just kind of meh for her, but if she refused to do it, knowing how much I enjoy it, and she did it for past partners... It just so happens that she does it for me, and does it a lot. She has learned how to enjoy herself doing it, and it feels really good to her now, especially knowing how much I like it. And another thing...she swallows for me...never did that before me, and I never even hinted at her doing it. Just something she started on her own, and she says she loves it...


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> That's not what he was hung up on. He was upset because she wouldn't make porn with him during her pregnancy. That is kind of creepy and you'd be hard pressed to find any woman willing to make private porn during pregnancy!


Oh the sex issue does play a part, I agree with you on half your opinion. But the deception is what drove the knife in deeper. 

He does come across as being very immature. I can see why she would not want to have kinky sex with a man who behaves like a nine year old.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sam Women change as they get older. 

When I first had sex with my husband, I though only of pleasing him. We just turned 20 and I did not have an orgasm for the first 2 yrs. My husband is not selfish we were ignorant. We both changed and matured. 

I don't think this is uncommon. As the average man matures, they gain control and take care of their partner. But many men never change and their partner may not tell him out of fear of hurting his feelings. 

Your wife may have gotten married early and never broke out of the role of pleasing her ex while asking nothing for herself. The fact that she gets as much out of sex as you should make you happy. For one thing, she will continue to have sex. 

I think that it is unfair to expect women to do something sexually just because she did it before. Seems to imply that women should not expect pleasure and comfort when they have sex but focus on doing what please him and his ego.. 

That seems to indicate a sense of entitlement not pleasing each other. We all have free will and we have a right to do what is mutually pleasing. Men change as they matter and so do women. 

Being hounded or made to feel bad for maturing must be very disheartening with someone who says they care about you. 

In the long term, it is easy to see why sexual the quality and frequency of sex is effected. (I'm not accusing you of doing this).

This is especially true is a woman has to do something that is painful or unpleasant because she did it before. I don't know how anyone can expect to get pleasure knowing that their partner is hurting or uncomfortable. 

I would have no problem leaving it alone and concentrating on what is pleasurable for both of us.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Gettingit I think the tide is turning for men and women in their 20's compared to middle-aged men and woman. 

The notion of women pleasing men sexually is giving way to men taking pride in learning how to please their gf and wives. 

I read the results of a several surveys in a refereed journal that shows that. However, there seems to be more anxiety among men about penis size and performance. 

That not so good. Hopefully things will balance out in the future. It's good that men and women are concerned about pleasing each other.

Increases the chances of both genders working together and takes the disproportionate burden of pleasing off of women.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I frequently see posts espousing umbrage over "dishonesty" from a spouse about sexual pasts. For the most part (not always), blaming dishonesty is a red herring. It's about control. There are folks out there who just can't abide that they can't get what they want from their partner.
> 
> Where is the generosity of heart? Where is human understanding and, yes, forgiveness for those we purportedly love?
> 
> ...


Bravo, extremely well said!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Sam Women change as they get older.
> 
> When I first had sex with my husband, I though only of pleasing him. We just turned 20 and I did not have an orgasm for the first 2 yrs. My husband is not selfish we were ignorant. We both changed and matured.
> 
> ...


There is no implication what so ever that she should not have comfort or pleasure. But in the case where something is more "I could take it or leave it" than anything else, no physical or emotional pain or anything like that, I think both partners should do it for their partner if their partner really enjoys it, especially if it is something they did for past partners.

I give my STBW whole body massages every so often. Do I really like doing it? Not really, but neither do I dislike it I could take it or leave it. Doesn't really matter to me. She LOVES them, and I am good at it, so I keep giving them. I did the same for my ex wife. I would fully understand my STBW feeling slighted if I didn't do something for her that she enjoyed, that I did for my ex wife, for no other reason than I simply didn't have to.


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> Personally, I can't get over the fact that the OP has a ten-week old baby...


Probably a lot of us noticed that and didn't even know where to begin.

For many years my father kept just one little card above his dresser. I think it was a fortune from a fortune cookie, he'd taped to a note card. It said, "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." I wish the OP had and cherished such a card.



GettingIt said:


> Where is the generosity of heart? Where is human understanding and, yes, forgiveness for those we purportedly love?


I once was listening to a social worker who worked with the most troubled of children. He said, "No one is born with dignity. Someone has to give you at least a little." Considering some of the undignified acts and everything else, I feel a great deficit of dignity.


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> Maybe she didn't really enjoy what she was doing in the videos??? Of course she was smiling/groaning in them. That had to be part of the act, right?
> 
> Personally, I can't get over the fact that the OP has a ten-week old baby and is complaining that his wife won't do wild sex with him. After having my first, I was still so sore that I wasn't having sex AT ALL yet. If my husband were to complain that I wasn't doing all of these wild sex acts with him when I was lucky to sneak in a shower around a newborn, I probably would have walked out the door and stayed with my parents for a while.
> 
> OP, the past is the past. If you're not happy with your present sex life, wait a few months (until the baby is a little older) and approach your wife in a loving way.


Thanks you!, this was good advice!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I supported you "in theory", but you really need to get a grip personally. Your personal attacks aren't helping your cause. 

Reported.


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

notmarriedyet said:


> I think it's an amazing and wonderful thing to be able to have a partner whom you're able to share your sexual past with - to a degree in which you both feel comfortable.
> 
> I cannot fathom why OP would want to sit and watch videos of his wife having those relations with other men!
> 
> ...


Thanks for the good advice.


----------



## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Ask her who did the filming and picture taking. And ask her to please not lie to you again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was selfed filmed.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> It was selfed filmed.


So she did enjoy it huh? Keeping the images for posterity? 

So tell me, before they delete this thread and ban you, what specifically did she do for them that she won't do for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ah shoot. They banned him. Oh well.


----------

