# So Much history! Anybody willing to help tackle this?



## Seven of Luck

I've been reading through these forums for a while now. I've gathered all the info I can, And now would like to hear some advice from others.

I've been with my 2nd Wife for 7 years. We met over the internet when she was 17 & I was 20. At the time I met her, I was going through a divorce at with my 1st wife whom I was sharing a 2br apartment with. Everything was transparent between all of us when I started seeing W2.

The first time I met W2 in person. It was perfect, we made love a countless number of times. We were in bliss, we found our soul mate.Then reality hit; our ages pitted against us. She was still living with her abusive father, and I my abusive ex-wife. Things continued to move fast. W2 decided it would be best to move away from her father. I didn't want to influence her either way, but I did offer her to live with me. Which she then choose to do.

Life was looking up. Our love continued; in spite of sharing the apartment with my ex. But W2 didn't have any of her belongings. She thought she could just go back to her house and pick them up; for some reason I regret as I write this, I didn't go with her. My ex-wife did. What ended up happening would stain our lives forever.

When W2 had shown up at her dad's to get her stuff, he had already called her in as a runaway, And me a Pedophile. The cops showed up and escorted her away to a group home. My ex wife returned hours later to tell me the devastating news. 
I grew depressed. This was very similar to how my relationship with W1 started, as she too ran away from her home. CPS got involved and she too was taken to a group home for the next 2 years. I wasn't allowed to see her so we could only get a few minutes at a time between transitions to see one another.

I didn't want to put W2 through all that! But I did. I didn't hear from her for days. I feared the worse: I would never see her again. It was just a fantasy. I destroyed her life. 

I ended up getting drunk after the 4th day of no contact, and ended up seducing my ex to have sex. She first refused, telling me that she viewed W2 as a friend and didn't want to ruin that. But I pushed on and ruined everything. 

The very next day, W2 contacts me. Tells me where she is and what has been going on. My heart breaks as she tells me she has not been stopped praying about me and us, and to my dad of all people. You see; my dad died of cancer when I was 14, he 38. He had remarried when I was 7, but had kept the wedding band from my mother's and his marriage. I received it by my step mom after she visited the safe deposit box after he died....
I gave that ring to her before she left, and has kept it on her finger the whole time. Rubbing it, praying to him, to me. (Oh how perfect she was, how could I be so blind!)

After she contact me she said she is still allowed to go to school. She actually got her GED when she was 16 and moved straight into college. After a few visits, or maybe it was just one. She jumped shipped again and ran away from the group home to come live with me. Although now, it became ugly. It took one step into the apt for W2 to know that W1 and I had slept together. I told her what had happened and she practically walked out right then. I told her that it wouldn't happen again and convinced her to stay. I do admit my actions were unjust, and I regret them everyday.

I was in shame, our love making wasn't as great as it was. There was now a lot more stress as she was filed as a run away for the next 10 months. She laid low, She died and cut her hair and didn't return to college for fear of being forced back to the group home.

W1 finally moved out, it was drawn out and hideous. Fighting and bickering between the 2. I was in the middle, but trying to stay out of it, I created this. 

My mom help W1 get and furnish an apartment. Which just made W2 furious as we could just as easily used the helped and W1 could have founded help from her own family. A few weeks went by, stress continued to pile. W1 still hanged around the family, pitting my sisters against W2.

I couldn't handle all the drama. I knew things have moved too fast and was now demanding my space. I feel even deeper into my dark hole, and what's worse. The women who was there by my side I pushed away. I pushed her out and told her to go stay with my mom for the night. Then I left to go talk with W1... we ended up have sex in her apt. 

I went back home in utter disgust with myself. I continued to make things worse and didn't know how to express it. So I didn't. I kept it in. W2 was still so nice to me, she loved a lot of sex and I was providing. I couldn't bring myself to perform as much. Last thing I wan't to do was have her find out during our love making. So I kept it in - I even considered taking it "to my grave". as I told myself: "you told her never again." 

All this darkness lead me deeper into distance, and eventually to my demise. I tried to hide it, I just wanted to forget everything and move on. W2 soon became pregnant, we were trying, we were excited. I called everyone in my family to tell them I was going to be a daddy. Even though my sister would tell relatives she was 18, I moved passed the shame and was honest with her age.

We would go for our checkups but we felt we never we given proper attention; we were cast aside as a young mistaken accident. Upon the 3rd or 4th visit, the doctor realized he had given her pregnancy too little attention, but it was too late. She had miscarried, so he set her up to get a D&C procured.

I remember sitting in the waiting room for what seemed like eternity waiting for any status update of how my love was doing. No one ever came. I became very worried. Finally she came out of surgery and told me of her half sedative experience. Remembering every moment of it but not being able to interact with anyone. 

I feel even deeper, even though I was endlessly crying on the inside; I didn't show much emotion. I felt I had to be strong for her: "If I was going through this, God only knows what she's going through. How selfish am I to have feelings?" 

It became another mark against me on her scorecard. I took more blame from the whole situation. Had I never slept with my ex, I would have never created such emotions. And I would have never done it a 2nd time. And continue to keep it from her. How the hell am I going to tell her NOW!!!

Months went on and I started loosing a lot of weight. I wasn't doing anything different, weight just started to shed off me. My body started demanding a lot of liquids and didn't like an substances, ketchup would burn my mouth as if I drank Tabasco. I didn't know what was happening to me. I was just excited to become my natural weight again. I had followed W1 eating habits, and grew to be 230 lbs. In 6 months, I lost 80 pounds, down to 150. I didn't look all that healthy. 

In Oct '05 I was visiting my family out of state while W2 stayed at home. I started to feel very out of it, I climbed a flight of stairs and it felt I ran a marathon. My family suggested I drink some orange juice, drink some water 

melon, have some Gatorade. Little did I know I was pushing myself into a diabetic coma. I ended up fainting at the reunion and was rushed to the hospital which was an 1 hour 1/2 away. I was nearly DOA. I awoke about 24 hours later to the doctor saying: "welcome back, you have Type 1 Diabetes" Something they said I have had my whole life, but I knew better... I had taken my secret to the grave, I nearly died, and all I could think about when I woke up was her, W2. My grandma said that the moment she mentioned her name was I glowed it was the first I had smiled so big in all that had happen. 

She got wind of the news and wanted to come and see me right away. I was going to be in ICU for 5+ days. She left the very next morning after her shift but didn't get much sleep. On her way to the airport, she feel asleep at the wheel and side swiped a semi. Angles were with us through all of this as she woke up immediately, calmly took control of the wheel and avoided a even worse accident. (She did however get a ticket that would later suspend her licence since it has gone unpaid.) She ended up turning around and going home, waiting for my return. 

The moment I saw her after I got of the plane I said to her: "We are going to get married!" She said how she loved how newly founded I seemed and how confident I felt in that moment. It WAS genuine. I saw the light and beat death for a 2nd chance to show this women how she really meant to me.

We went head strong on our dreams. We are entrepreneurs, I had been running my own onsite computer business since '04. It wasn't much, and it was unreliable, So our finances were always under stress. We trekked on, continued to try again for a child. In Jan '07 we gave birth at home to our daughter. Who we named the same name we had planned since our 1st attempt. We had upgraded into a duplex by then. We held a wedding ceremony 6 months later with our daughter as an integral part.

Our finances continued to be nill. Finally after not being able to pay rent or keep the electric on, our landlord threaten us to move or he would call CPS. Fearful for our family, we moved into my mothers. Mind you, stress would cause arguments every step of the way. 

She threaten to leave me at that time, so I bucked up my act and got a job. She ended up getting hired also. Which enabled us to eventually move out on our own again. But now, we didn't see each other. I worked 9-5, she worked 5-12. I was still struggling to keep my sugar on track, so I didn't make much of a caregiver when i was my turn.We realized how unhappy we were in our jobs and decided to continue making it on our own. I had landed a contract to do some web work from home making $35ph. 

Things were great again! Our little daughter just turning 1, we had a little 2br apartment again.The contact ended, and I didn't make rent for 2 months. By the time we were in court for eviction, I had made the money to avoid it. But no more then 4 months later. The same situation happened, and this time they denied us to pay and opted to move foeward with eviction.

We moved all of our stuff into my sisters 1br apt. Practically kicking my sister out of her place where she would spend most of her time at her boyfriends. We had all of our stuff cramped into the living room. Making it barley enough room to walk. We started selling what we could to make some $. I became more depressed, suicidal - by attempting to over dose on my insulin.

This lasted for almost 6 months. When finally, my wife found me an interview with a new big client. Our finances skyrocketed. And it was in sync to us wanting to fullfill our dreams. We took on a major location in the heart of downtown. A co-location where we could run our business and live in the guest house. With our daughter turning 3, we also started to conceive another child. The co-location lasted for about 18 months. Same 
situation, contract ended, income was nill, and we didn't pay rent for 2 months. Going on the 3 month, W2 8 months pregnant... I got another client, but the income was barley enough to get us by. So I moved us into a smaller house where we could birth our next child.

We gave birth at home to our son at the end of Aug '10. I was able to find what work I could to keep us afloat. Still with the stresses of past bills, etc haunting us. 

Shortly after giving birth. W2 was asked to become manager of a local band. She accepted and became highly / personally involved. Her best friend was involved with the band, and she would start accusing us of being intimate. I refused reluctantly. I did feel she was attractive, but she was our friend at best, and I am committed to my wife. 

It became more then one person would comment here and there about the chemistry we shared. The friend and I didn't think much of it. Our interactions were brief and lacked much interaction - out side of our hugs. Her friend admires our family, she loves all of us as family. 

The emotion from dealing with everyone became overbearing, and she dropped the manager gig. Which put all of us at a halt. As I was in the midst of building a profitable web product that would launch along side the band's tour.

Finances became grim; again. And after the 2 month 'grace' period. We were served with vacate or quit. Which the court order for us to move or be evicted. 

The date we were given was our 4 year anniversary date. July of last summer.We got rid of everything, even gave our car to a mechanic to be fixed who ended up taking a lean on it while we were finding our next place to live. We stayed with my older sister for about a week, until I decided it would probably be better to live out of a motel for the time being. (Due to all the Drama & stress)

So over the summer, July - August - into September '11. My family were living in a 2 bed motel room. 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 dogs. I hate to say it, but it was hell. I was feverishly looking for work, BARELY making it by. I was lucky to find what work I did as we eventually moved into the house we are now occupying back in September.

Throughout all this time working at home, W2 would come and start conversations with me about past, present, future, and assumed events. She would hound me continually about how her friend would make a better spouse for me as we had a better connection. She tried to get me to confess that I was in love with her friend. (I was not) I couldn't help but wonder outside of the beginning of our relationship why she was so wrapped up about her.

After much communication, we came to find out that is was actually my wife who had deep feelings for her friend. They met online also when she was 13. What finally fed us flames to us fighting, brought clarity to us. She confessed her feelings to her friend who then offered to help us move into our house which we were doing the very next day. 

During our move, My wife had told her was that she wanted to have babies with her and see her become a mother. She would go on to tell her that she would love to see us conceive a child together. Which I condoned, I had been planning on 3 children, W2 was pretty much done after our 2nd birth (3 conceptions). Though, when she saw having herself having kids with her friend, she was open to having another one. 

Her friends left that day with the words "I feel honored; I love you guys; give it time; let's talk".Things seemed to be going smoother For her birthday my wife's friend had planned to go on a mountain hike with her; But instead had stayed out late the night prior with her boyfriend who got drunk and ended up with a hangover the next morning. W2 had made breakfast, and her friend never showed. W2 ended up going over to her house to see what had happened, although her friend was still willing to spend the day with her, my wife declined as she was hurt that her friend just didn't take the initiative herself to do so.

It became difficult for them to communicate much else outside of texts, emails, and hi-bye's. Her friend wanted to start their relationship, but my wife didn't want to violate the friends current relationship with her boyfriend. So things became more awkward. My wife despises her boyfriend, but doesn't voice any of her concerns to her. Any time they would try to get together, either the boyfriend or my wife would want to spend time with the friend, who just felt being tugged in the middle. So she became more distant in communications.

After an interaction she had over text with her friend, my wife broke her net-book in a rage of fury. From what it seems like trying to get over her feelings, she would start to tell herself all the reasons why she doesn't feel the way she did. Instead, she started to find her heart fall for another member of the band; The drummer. My wife did speak openly to me about this during all this poly-amours talk, but said it was something she hadn't felt. I love the drummer like a brother. I can trust him to be a step father to the kids. I am/was able coping with her new founded feelings. 

I get that she was starting to feel very convoluted. So an opportunity came to fly her out to New York for a week on a meditative retreat. So I did, when she came back - she seemed refreshed, but didn't continue the mediation. Eventually growing more distant. She felt a need to find herself more, and became involved in burlesque.

She has since put up all her walls with me and claimed she wanted to be celibate for 6 months. There would be nights that if I tried hard enough, she would be willing to have sex; but she wouldn't voice anything of what she wanted to do - she would just be silent and submissive. Leaving me feeling no motivation to continue as I felt we weren't connecting and that wasn't the type of love making I was looking for... 

But my demon raged on withing - in the past, we would have nights where she would still want sex even after she would fall asleep. She loved hearing about how she was during a half awake half sleep state.

We became roommates. Her wanting her own space, away from me, she said we were through. She wanted to go back to school, so I helped her pay to get into becoming a massage therapist. I recently got a new career job that pays well and is stable enough for us to live on. We talked about who would watch the kids while we're out of the house all the day. We asked her friend as it was the only one we trust close enough with out kids.

After a while I was able to find my way back into sleeping in the same bed with her. But she didn't want to do anything intimate. Cause when we would, she would become confused and wake up the next day regretting anything she did. So she moved me into my office with a blanket and pillow to sleep on the floor. A couple days later, she came and fell asleep on the blanket. I was excited to have her in my space again. I scooted the kids off to bed and laid down to snuggle with her. I felt so distant from her, I just wanted to be close. 

So I started to massage her and rub her. I slowly worked my way down to her legs and continued to massage her body. She was responsive to this as she always is in her sleepy state. I thought she was enjoying. So I continued to touch her, she started to become wet and I just got more horny. I eventually got to the point where I was entering her and she woke up, and was completely appalled with me, she stormed out of the room and didn't talk to me for the next day. She then told me she broke down at class and told all her classmates what had happened. 

She's now feeling very violated. She said any chance I had to reconcile I ruined it that night. Which I believe is valid, but I am having a hard time accepting it.

Even before then I have been giving her all the space I could for her to find herself. I felt she has had many Emotional Affairs for feeling towards these people and I have been along for the ride. But there is one in particularity that really gets to me...

She started this band with her friend, the drummer, and now this other guy who she has been spending a lot of time with. And since she has been she changed her passwords to all her accounts, doesn't tell me anything and gets defensive if I ask her questions. "it's her personal life, and who she's with isn't my concern"

The other night she stayed out all night and didn't come home the next morning. After asking her many questions I found out that she slept in the same bed with him. I took a step further to ask if they snuggled, at which point she got highly defensive, saying that I violated her and I have no right to know her business. Even though she said they didn't snuggle. Something happened. As I read a text message to him telling him not to tell any one of their experiences to anyone, especially her friend.

We had planned for her to move out come December, but my emotions aren't able to hold back for that long. So I went to my midwife to talk and she offered for her to stay at her house. Which she probably will be doing by next week.

My emotions are all over the place. I know I know more then what's leading on. I feel like snooping but when I do, it hurts me more. Just now, she came into the room to show me a song that "he" composed. Called - "passing of time". And while I was on her phone listing to it, her recent text message to him was " i love you <3"

As I write this I see what's obvious what I've done to get here. But to me, this is all the road of marriage. My first marriage seemed harder, and THEN we got married. I realize how in love I am with my wife. It hurts to see her spending all this creative time with this other guy that I know something is happening more then she's willing to let me know. Our relationship has been so transparent up to this point!

So it's obvious she's in the Point-of-no-Return Fog. I feel she's just talking all the bad stuff about me to this guy and he's rescuing the damsel in distress. Courting her away from this marriage. It has been in the making for a while, before I violated her. Now she just has more justification for her actions.

I'm doing the 180 as best I could, although I don't know if I got all the rules down. I am so distracted by all of this, it's sooo very painful. Every time I think about moving on, I don't care to. I'm not interested in starting a life with another women. I'm only interested in continuing the one i have already started.

Our kids are the happiest beings on earth. They have witnessed our struggles, but my daughter says she wants mommy and daddy to stay together: "we are just a broken puzzle" 

This pain is becoming to overbearing. To the point where divorce feels like the pain to administer the pain. And I know why people would do that, so that they go through and convert all their memories into emotionless events; oppositions on who would make the better parent.

I don't want that, I want to make this work. Is it too late? What can I do to get over this EA that's tearing at me. I feel if she would just be transparent, I would just get over it easier, but knowing she's talking to him all the time and being secretive just gets me over the top.

The other week; before she slept at his 'studio'. I hiked a mountain on a Saturday after work. I ended up not having enough water - and my legs gave out on me once I started to descend down the mountain. With my sugar dropping and the night setting in, I called search and rescue. They hiked 2 miles up the mountain to administer an IV into me. When we got down, they suggest to me I go to the hospital. I choose not to as I had made arrangement's with my wife to watch the kids the next morning so she could go on a hike with that other guy...

Now it seemingly to progress, pulling her farther and farther away from me. I'm pulling my hairs for advice on what I need to do change this around.

How far has she gone with him, should I care? If I find out through her, it's an easier dose to take, if I find out through a text message. It stings like hell. 

Even though that's obviously not everything that has happened, I was hoping to explain the last 7 years best I could...

Thank you for reading my post; and thanks in advance for any advice! Or questions!


----------



## Seven of Luck

Perhaps I should mention that she has been physically abusive towards me. Punching me in the face a few times, giving me nosed bleeds. 

I'm no saint. I have my temper too - and after she sucked punched me in the face the last time, I swatted her back. I haven't done that again since. I grew up with 8 sisters. Always being told to never hit a woman. Even if they are hitting you... 

Her stir-crazyness started to leak over into her lashing out on our daughter. 

I know her not to be this way, she claims is because she's with me that she is and that's a main reason she wants out.


----------



## This is me

WOW that is too long to read for me and I stopped at the part about having a second wife at age 20.


----------



## Seven of Luck

yeah... i could write a book. but i kept to major checkpoints. I'm 28 now. I started my family young because of my close encounters with death. I have a zealous attitude towards live and living for today.

It's worth the read; IMO. If you so care to give a fruitful opinion.


----------



## sos444

This amazing story reminded me of The Sims.. I'm so sorry to say that :/


----------



## noelle

I don't have very much advice because I am on information overload. However, I can tell you to please stop having children. If you are not financially stable enough to maintain your living situation with the number of children you have, why on earth would you bring more into the world? I love babies and believe that they are wonderful blessings, but it is not fair to them nor to your wife to keep reproducing.
Your wife having a girlfriend or boyfriend is a miserable idea. Now that she does (you allowed this by the way) and she wants to separate then you absolutely must separate. You made your bed now you must lie in the ever-tangled sheets. Please use that time for self evaluation. Seek out independent counseling if you must or talk to a pastor at your church. I will be praying for you.
My prodigal's mother sent something to me today that caused my heart to soar! "I believe everything happens for a reason, people change so you can learn to let go and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
Let this fall apart. Let go! Visit WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries and use that to find help.


----------

