# The ULTIMATE betrayal



## Live Laugh (Jan 24, 2012)

I feel physically ill.

My husband got another woman pregnant. He has been cheating on me the past year. She had the baby a few days ago, he just told me yesterday. I only slept 2 hours last night.

Our marriage has been under stress (financial), but I could have never predicted this! We have been married for 21 years and have 3 kids ages 20, 18 and 10.

We had a fantastic sex life. Passionate love making 4-5 a week, even this past year! I think that was the glue that held us together during the financial stress. I am the type of wife that never said no to sex, not out of obligation, but because I was so incredibly attracted to him. I also thought this would affair proof my marriage but this obviously was not the case.

I am typing through tears. I feel rage, depressed, why me, I am in a state of shock. I cant sleep or eat. I am not thinking rational, but I know enough to get an STD test and get some counseling asap.

He says he is sorry, ashamed a POS, and loves me and wants me. He does want to be part of the baby's life. Wants nothing to do with the mother and the affair is over.

I am enraged that this man has lied and cheated me the past year! I feel sick to my stomach. He says he will do whatever I want if I stay with him. I feel so bad for my kids, and I fear the damage this will do them. I am sooooooo embarassed! I have loved him for 21 years, so of course I still do. I hugged him and wiped his tears when he confessed to me. I don't know if I can forgive him, I feel he has destroyed what we had. I am shaking too much to type any more. If anyone has any advice, or if you need more info let me know. Thanks in advance for the replies.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I am very sorry for you, LL.

I hope you have someone to talk to, maybe a trusted friend or family member? You will need a councelor anyway in the short term.

What is his explanation for cheating?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 

I want you to know that you have landed in a very safe place and that we can help you survive this.....
You will need those that are the closest to you right now. It is so very hard when decision are made for you that destroy what you believed in.
First of all are you sure the affair is over or are you just taking your WS's word for it.....Please check for yourself.....
Then I would talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are concerning this baby, is your husband sure it's his, is there going to be a DNA test?
Financially this will affect you as well if you chose to work things out.
Right now I would not make any choices for your future until you have had a chance to process it and let some time separate the initial shock of it all.
He has been very selfish and very disrespectful.
Remember this his choices are not your responsibilty nor are they your fault in anyway.......
I think the truth is all that will work now, expose to your families and your friends and ask for support during this stressful time.
you can't hide a baby.....
I think the best thing if you chose to work it out that you go completely no contact with the OW and the child.....
The child would be a constant reminder for your whole family......
just some things to think about right now take care of you take your time to think it through.......
hugs......


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You aren't the first to go through this and there are others on thus board that have faced the same betrayal and there a good bunch of people here with solid advice on dealing with affairs.

First up: do not believe anything your husband tells you without verifying it yourself to make sure it's true. This include all information about the affair, the other woman, your finances and the child.

Cheaters lie, so go into all discussions knowing that.

The finances
- is it possible the the affair and pregnancy has contributed to your bad finances? As he been spending money on her? Giving it to her? Paying for baby things?


The Affair
- make sure it's really over 
- have him take a polygraph to verify what he tells you about it
- how did they meet? Do they work together?
- do they have mutual friends
- do any friends know about the affair?
- where did they hookup, how often
- did he spend money on her
- insist he gets a STD test 
- verify it is really done - GPS tracker on his car, voice activated recorder under his var seat
- he hands over passwords and all accounts he has, fb, email email
- no contact for him with her.
- exposé the affair

The child
- insist upon a DNA test 
- is his name on the birth cert?
- get yourself a lawyer ASAP to see your options. Divorcing him might enable you to get a judgement locking in child support and spousal support as a priority claim against him and to isolate you from debt from the child.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One more thing - your priority is protecting you and your kids. You do not have to be consolatory or understanding or accommodating about this.

It's 100% ok to not do anything and everything to protect you and your kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What Shaggy said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What Shaggy said about DNA tho you dont have any standing so I dunno how to make that happen.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You're husband has made one of the most selfish decisions he could have made. It reveals a serious character flaw. This clearly wasn't a drunken moment of weakness (not that that would make one bit of difference to me personally) but a continued, conscious decision to violate your marriage. By choice I would never reconcile with a cheater, but I know that others seem to do so successfully. Before you do, consider the following:

1) He didn't confess to you because he had an awakening, he did so because the child was born. I guess that would have been a little hard for him to conceal. I don't see this as true remorse. Most likely, he would have continued to carry on with her indefinitely had she not gotten pregnant.

2) Now that he has a child by this woman he will have to provide financial support. How exactly does that impact your own finanmcial woes? You'll be paying that price right along side him. Nice, huh?

3) Since she became pregnant, he clearly did not use protection. He has recklessly put you at risk for STD's. 

4) Just because he found himself between a rock and a hard place and had to confes his affair does not mean you have anywhere near the details or that this was the first time. He could well be a serial cheater. Complete and total transparency is needed from him. If he balks, take it as a red flag.

5) I believe he should be involved with the baby and take responsibility. Think of how this will affect you and your family over time. How will you feel if he wants some sort of custody of this kid? Will you have to set up a nursery in your home for the fruit of his infidelity? It's not the kids fault, but I can't imagine that your husband's involvement with this child will not be a constant reminder of his betrayal.

Good luck with whatever path you choose. Just remember, there's nothing you could have done to be blamed for this. No matter what kind of wife you are, he is the one who made the decision to violate the integrity of your marriage. He carries the blame entirely. Don't let him convince you otherwise.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Everything Shaggy said.

Your husband doesn't have a choice now about whether or not he has anything to do with this other woman. Once he determines that the child is actually his, he is required, at minimum, to pay child support. HE is also going to have to decide how involved in the child's life he will be.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Dont take any decision in a hurry, take your own time to decide, Get help from your friends and family. See an attorney as soon as possible. Dont believe a word he says if you cant verify it.

R means you are going to have two more people in your marriage (OW and her child). Dont get betrayed again by being nice to him. He is not the person you married, he is a cheater and lair. He will lie, manipulate and do anything to make things favorable to him so that he can cake eat without any consequences.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

LL

In addition to what everyone else is saying here, I really thnk you need some time away from him...ASAP. can you get him to leave the house for awhile.....4-6 weeks say? stay somewhere else?

I have no direct experience with infidelity, so I encourage the veterans here to disagree if they think I'm wrong - but I don't see how you'll be able to get your bearings ergrding such a shock if you have him in your face all the time, to manipulate you toward what he wants etc. you can still be in touch with him by phone or email, or meet him to discuss details of the affair.......just that he's not around constantly


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

live laugh your husband didn't have an epiphany he realized that if he just ended it with the OW or bailed on the kid that more than likely he would end up being served and you would find out on your own. He is more than likely spinning the situation and you need to be vigilant. You need to understand that you are only hearing about 1/10th of the whole truth right now. You need to wear a happy face and start looking for the truth behind his back. phone records, text messages, email accounts, you need to look through all of them. Given the length of you marriage and the facts you have laid out I am willing to be this isn't is first time stepping out of the marriage. I am sorry for your situation. There is a link to evidence gathering in my signature.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Kick him out of the house now. Do what Shaggy said.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Live Laugh, I am so, so sorry for the pain you are in. I was in your situation in the past (but with a long-term boyfriend) and I don't think anyone can fully comprehend the pain that causes unless they have experienced it. I chose not to stay with that boyfriend because if I was honest with myself, he was a very selfish and entitled person. It would have taken years of hard work on his behalf to change the traits that made him a cheater. 

I'm not sure exactly where you're at, but just know that sincerely, you did nothing to deserve what he did to you. There is no justification. The blame is 100% on him for his choices. Always remember that. 

You will get through this.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

LL,

I'm 4 years out from catching my serial cheating wife. Be prepared for some hard truths that are coming your way. 

With regard to cheaters... there is always more that is never confessed. Your husband confessed because he was "caught" with child. Let me tell you a little fact about cheaters... they like it, it becomes a thrill addiction. However affairs run there course and burn-out (some-one gets caught) most of the time. 

But... they know how to and start new affairs without much difficulty. 

Penny to Dollar... this was not your husbands first. 

Demand a Poly. Tell him all the YES - NO questions you will have asked. Watch him back-peddle.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

You mentioned financial difficulties.

Do you have a job? Can you live on your own?

Also, what does the other woman want? Your WS says he wants to be with you but involved in the child's life. That means involved with the other woman.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Live Laugh said:


> I feel physically ill.
> 
> My husband got another woman pregnant. He has been cheating on me the past year. She had the baby a few days ago, he just told me yesterday. I only slept 2 hours last night.
> 
> ...


So your cousins friend WAS right a year and a half ago. He was cheating and that's why he wanted you to cut off contact. 

File now. Expose to everyone.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm coming in late and you have had some solid advice.

I suggest a separation period of 90 days or so. You need time alone to gather your thoughts. Continue with the marriage to a betrayer or not. 

Find some alone time and do what is best for YOU.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Also, when you feel your rage subside to a manageable degree and your rationality returns, ask what really happened. He hid it for over a year and suddenly came clean? 
Did she dump him?
Did she threaten child support?
Did she give him an ultimatum?

You need to make sure you aren't option two or the admission was under duress. Everyone talks about truth, whether you decide to R or D, being very important. You don't want to make serious familial decisions based on lies.


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## Live Laugh (Jan 24, 2012)

I could never express the gratitude that I feel for an online bunch of strangers, again I am crying, but because of all the solid advice and the gratitude that I feel. 

The past 48 hours has been a whirlwind.. I am in a fog. He is trying to trickle truth me. And I am not having it...for now I am playing nice to get the full truth. 

I have printed off past phone records

Installed a Var, but am doing something wrong because it is not recording right, lol, a least I still have humor right.

I have also installed mobile spy ware and can read all texts- yay me.

I will be also installing a GPS tracker

I have also contacted OW. To let her know that I know. Ha.

At this point all I want is the freaking truth. And I am doing everything to sort out this all out.

I also went to the DNA testing yesterday. 

He has told me many of the sordid details, because I want to know it all. But I am smart enough to know that he is withholding from, from everything that I have learned on TAM.

When I have more time, I will be back to update and provide more details about this ugliness.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Find a really good therapist in your area - someone who can help you sort out all of the emotions that you will cycle through during this. 

Something to consider - your family will always be altered by the addition of this child who for you will always be a reminder of your husband's infidelity. Would you be able to overcome that and care for that child as a part of the family? 

If you're unable to do that, it's not likely reconciliation will be possible without your husband living a double life or being non existent parent to that child. 

Most importantly, please try to take care of yourself right now. Eat, maybe go to the gym or go walking and even if it takes meds to do it, get some rest.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

LL

Im resident VAR goon. What brand VAR and how is it malfunctioning?


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## Live Laugh (Jan 24, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> LL
> 
> Im resident VAR goon. What brand VAR and how is it malfunctioning?


It is the Olympus VN 7200. I set it to the Variable Control Voice Actuator setting and pressed record. I had the volume turned down really low, so maybe that was the problem. Should I turn the volume up?


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## Live Laugh (Jan 24, 2012)

I have learned the most vile details ever. I don't know the sociopath that is my husband.

His explanation for cheating was this person let it be known that she was available. After much flirtation back and forth - it was on. Just that simple. She is a single mom of 2 kids, and their love shack was her house, after her kids were in bed.

Also, I know the OW she has been in my home on many occasions. This is so classic isn't it? Our children have been on the same sports team for a few years together. My husband upstanding moral character that he is has coached this team. We have hosted many a party where she has come and had the audacity to socialize, so damn brazen! 

I feel so betrayed by both!! I am sickened and disgusted. The year affair that he has admitted to is a 2 YEAR affair!!!!!! I have played the two of them against each other to find that out and also the phone records as verification. 

The MOST SICKENING, she had an abortion a year ago. Please help me understand how does a man do this? This was his girlfriend for 2 whole years. And he carried it off well. No knowing glances at practices, etc, etc. The only redflag was the multiple restricted phone calls. But he would always explain these as business calls, because I would always check the phone bill. 

The only reason he came clean was because he had to. Plain and simple. He was caught red handed. He told me that he begged her to abort the baby, that what they were doing wrong, he told me that he told her that he would leave me if she did, he tried to manipulate and coerce her so that there wouldn't be proof. He told me that he would never leave me but was just trying and would say anything to get her to abort. Of course he never told me that she already was pregnant once by him. She did. 

Not only did he play me, but he played her for two years. I can't believe this is my life....... 

What's crazy to me is that the affair is over, I am 100% sure...He cheats on for two whole years and now it's over just like that My guess is that because I now know, the excitement is gone. 

The mistress was hoping that he would leave me, and they would be a family. She is playing her position well, doing anything to get what she thinks is a catch. Of course she is not threatening child support, she will settle for anything. Why does he suddenly want me more than ever now? I am so sad, hurt. I feel like a caged animal. I have so much rage, but can't show it because I am hiding this from my kids right now until its the right time to tell them. Actually I will not be telling them, he did this dirt so that will be his responsibility. I will be there to love them up, and make sure that get all they need to be able to deal with this.

It has been less than 72 hours since I have found out......I am sure I will learn even more details. There is no chance at R, I could never forget and never forgive and never trust him in life ever again.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

So sorry LL.

Kick his a$$ out. That's all I've got to say.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I feel so terrible for you. Just don't understand how husbands can do it. The double life...


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Well it looks like the party is over for you husband for a while. He gets to live with a cheater, two young children, AND a new baby. 

It's amazing what human beings are capable of. A lot of us were completely fooled because our spouses were such normal, regular, everyday nice people. Double life situations are scary. My husband did this for over eight years and most likely more.

I know the feeling you must have about the fear of the future but your husband sounds like a dangerous man. He has put you in so many bad situations that I hope you don't believe any dribble he tells you.

UGG, just disgustingly heartbreaking.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let OW have her "prize"


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

He truly is a piece of work, isn't he? 

I would have him pack a bag and ask him to leave. He isn't worth the fight. 

Consider that there will be contact with this OW for 18 years. 18 years of child support. 18 years of this child's visitation. All constant reminders of his infidelity.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

LL, you deserve better. Don't let him get away with what he did. If there is anyone in your circle who doesn't know the baby is his, you should expose it to as many people as possible. His family, your family, mutual friends, everyone. 

I hope you dump him. He has serious issues.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Kick his ass out! Plain and simple..he does not deserve you. I would come after him hard too financially...make him pay and tell everyone who knows him what he did.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rugs said:


> It's amazing what human beings are capable of. A lot of us were completely fooled because our spouses were such normal, regular, everyday nice people. * Double life situations are scary*. My husband did this for over eight years and most likely more.


:iagree:

LL,

I was fooled for over 6 years by my fww. I suspected early on but never had proof. I actually thought she would confess if guilty when I confronted. 6+ years of serial cheating, lying, blame-shifting and she never cracked. The only way she ever would confess is when caught... My grown daughter figured it out via FB. The perfect pretty woman, sunday school teacher, kind, loving mother... double life indeed. The exploitation of your trust to further the betrayal is standard procedure for the selfish cheater.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please try to take care of yourself now. Kick him out for good. Get him out of your sight. He has turned his life into a tragedy that has sucked in many innocent people.

You say you are certain that the affair is over now. Why would it be over now that the baby is born? He has kept this monumental secret from you for all this time. For all these months, he has had this front and center in his mind and yet was able to act completely normal at home. He convinced you that your cousin was gratuitously lying to you about his affair. He is clearly a better-than-average liar.

I feel terribly sorry for all of the people in this drama. Even your husband, although him clearly the least. If he has any conscience at all, he must live the rest of his life with the fact that he has damaged the lives of many, many people. 

There is another member of this forum who recently posted a similar story. She tried to reconcile with her H, but she ultimately couldn't do it. Here is her thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66209-life-after-infidelity.html


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## Live Laugh (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes you all nailed it, I told him to pack his things and go..........I would bet the house he ends up with the OW, I feel like they deserve each other. I am happy to get the toxicity out of my life. He is such a poor excuse for a human being. My shoulders are a bit more relaxed, I feel good tonight, I know I will have good days and bad. I am excited and scared for what the future brings.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Good for you! They do deserve one another. She badly wanted him - in this age of easy birth control, she managed to get pregnant twice in 2 years in what was supposed to be an illicit affair. She succeeded. She didn't win a prize, though.

I'm really very sorry. This has to be so hard, but you did the right thing for yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, get on the phone an Fb and notify friends and family. Do it now to expose their affair and prevent them from spinning it nicely in their favor.

You'll find you get a lot of support and he gets to be persona non grata.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Live Laugh said:


> It is the Olympus VN 7200. I set it to the Variable Control Voice Actuator setting and pressed record. I had the volume turned down really low, so maybe that was the problem. Should I turn the volume up?


I recommend exporting the file onto your computer. I use Audacity to clean up and listen to the files. Its free from the internet.

IS there an mp3 file or files on the memory?

Use headphones they help.

If you wish and ONLY IF you wish. I do VAR file analysis and clean up. See second RDMU thread for my reliability and confidentiality.

Kudos. Looks like you actually looked at the instructions.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Btw, get on the phone an Fb and notify friends and family. Do it now to expose their affair and prevent them from spinning it nicely in their favor.
> 
> You'll find you get a lot of support and he gets to be persona non grata.


It will also help you at an emotional level, it's like burning the bridge for good.
It can also piss him off enough to renounce to any hoovering move.
Next step if taking the legal steps. Do it ASAP.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sending you a big hug. So very sorry to hear this happened to you. Know that you have a good support system here at TAM who has your back. Stay strong.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You deserve better!

Good decision, I hope each day improves for you.

Take care!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you. I am so sorry this is happening. Take care and let us know how you're doing.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

this is absolutely awful live  my stomach turned for you. how could he do this and then have the balls to keep this from you all this time? terrible....


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Live Laugh said:


> Yes you all nailed it, I told him to pack his things and go..........I would bet the house he ends up with the OW, I feel like they deserve each other. I am happy to get the toxicity out of my life. He is such a poor excuse for a human being. My shoulders are a bit more relaxed, I feel good tonight, I know I will have good days and bad.* I am excited and scared for what the future brings*.


I really like your post. This is exactly the best way to react to an awful situation. It is very honest, too.

There will likely be some very lonely, tough days ahead. Hope you find a good support system, if you don't already have one.

Your last line makes me happy for you. "I am excited and scared for what the future brings." You will survive this. You will survive a D. You will find great things in your future.

Your courage is amazing. You are scared, yet excited!!! We rarely hear these words from a newly betrayed spouse.

Keep us posted on the outcomes!


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

wow, you used the word 'sociopath' and I think it suites him well. I am glad you are done with him. Stay strong!


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