# Son off to college/wife beside herself



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

We just dropped off our son at college. My wife has been crying for days. I am depressed myself.
How long does it take to get your mojo back after this?

The last thing my wife wants to do is have sex.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Take her on a vacation. If money/time doesn't allow that, then spend quality time with her (cuddling, doing whatever she enjoys).


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

becareful2 said:


> Take her on a vacation. If money/time doesn't allow that, then spend quality time with her (cuddling, doing whatever she enjoys).


I have been trying to give her much attention. The vacation might have to wait. How long does it take to get over this?
It's so final.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I've sent two to the opposite side of the world and am happy to have my freedom to do what I want when I want, so I cannot identify with this so much. I do miss them occasionally but am glad they are off exploring and living their own lives, that is the way it should be. It will probably take a while, encourage your W to get involved in other activities, do charity work, etc, live her life independent of the kid, acknowledge her feelings, be supportive and you should get through this in no time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

UMP said:


> We just dropped off our son at college. My wife has been crying for days. I am depressed myself.
> How long does it take to get your mojo back after this?
> 
> The last thing my wife wants to do is have sex.


Usually the moment I pull out of the college parking lot 

I'm close to both my kids and never once have we done the teary eyed dropoff routine. One is in grad school, one starting her final year, both out of state.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I can't wait until the last kid is out of the house. Ah to hang out around the house naked with the wife again. Haven't done that in almost 30 years.

Just be there to support her and focus on the positives of being a couple again instead of mom and dad. That identity ruled you for a long time. It won't go away over night. As for how long, that's different for everyone.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

john117 said:


> Usually the moment I pull out of the college parking lot
> 
> I'm close to both my kids and never once have we done the teary eyed dropoff routine. One is in grad school, one starting her final year, both out of state.


I think we parents have a reverse biological clock. It starts ticking with an inner message of "get out of my house" for your kids. I love all my kiddos to death but can't wait until we're empty nesters.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

My wife is the kind of mother that stays up until her son gets home, even if it's 2:00am.
If he comes home with all his buddies, she gets up to make them all food.
He needs a shirt cleaned for the next day, no problem, mom does that.

She's a little too motherly, if you get my drift. She's always been like that, from day one.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Indeed, the toughest time is the transition from sending the first off the college to sending the last off to college. After sending the first, you still have the responsibilities of tending to the family but none of the freedom of empty nesting. How long for you until the last one is out?

The thing I did not do well during this transition phase is build my network outside of the family unit. You don't have to go crazy with outside activities, but it would be good for you to find at least one social outlet that you can begin nurturing in the pre-empty nest years. 

It's not a bad idea to set the expectation for a weekly check-in time. Get them in the habit of doing a 15 minute Skype with you on Sunday nights. Establishes pattern of staying in touch. And nothing like a video call to keep your eye on their progress. 

If the kid does social media, it wouldn't hurt to be a voyeur on what they're posting to the accounts. Just watch from the background. But it does give you a sense of some of the things occupying their world.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

UMP said:


> I have been trying to give her much attention. The vacation might have to wait. How long does it take to get over this?
> It's so final.


I only have one child and she moved 500 miles away a year ago. I was so very sad and depressed when she left (and worried myself sick about her), but after a while, once I adjusted and saw how happy she is, I'm doing much better. I still miss her very much, but my husband and I are having a blast! We are truly enjoying being empty nesters! Just give your wife a little time, she will adjust.


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## HobbyJunky (Aug 8, 2016)

Hi UMP,

I may be totally wrong in making this connection - but it seems that if your wife is this distraught about your son leaving, I'd venture to guess she's been dreading it for a while now, i.e. knowing how much she would miss him when he left. If that is true, or even a possibility, it may answer a question you asked a couple of months ago: Why did my wife react this way?

-HJ


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

karole said:


> I only have one child and she moved 500 miles away a year ago. I was so very sad and depressed when she left (and worried myself sick about her), but after a while, once I adjusted and saw how happy she is, I'm doing much better. I still miss her very much, but my husband and I are having a blast! We are truly enjoying being empty nesters! Just give your wife a little time, she will adjust.


Thankfully our son is only 2 hours away, by car.
It's our first to go. All I can think about is the stuff we used to do when he was a little guy.

When did your sex drive come back? My drive has left too which is really weird.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

HobbyJunky said:


> Hi UMP,
> 
> I may be totally wrong in making this connection - but it seems that if your wife is this distraught about your son leaving, I'd venture to guess she's been dreading it for a while now, i.e. knowing how much she would miss him when he left. If that is true, or even a possibility, it may answer a question you asked a couple of months ago: Why did my wife react this way?
> 
> -HJ


Great point. Yes, she has been dreading this for at least 1 year.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

That's all normal. Like anything else, you both will get used to it. This one will be hard though, you've spent your lives with your son home watching him grow into a young adult. Once you visit him and see how happy he is on his own in college would guess that all would return to normal.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> I think we parents have a reverse biological clock. It starts ticking with an inner message of "get out of my house" for your kids. I love all my kiddos to death but can't wait until we're empty nesters.


I wouldn't mind having my kids with me till they're 40 . We're great friends, do a lot of things together, and we share professional interests. 

But I came to the USA for college from Europe so my idea of "going away" is a bit different.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Really, the kid should be crying. Who is going to wash my underwear and make me midnight nachos?!?!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

UMP said:


> My wife is the kind of mother that stays up until her son gets home, even if it's 2:00am.
> If he comes home with all his buddies, she gets up to make them all food.
> He needs a shirt cleaned for the next day, no problem, mom does that.
> 
> She's a little too motherly, if you get my drift. She's always been like that, from day one.


I am like that too. 

But going to (faraway) colleges was the best idea, and it has worked out exactly as I envisioned. My kids have grown, and I love they get different experiences. They each have done study abroad and can navigate Paris or Rome as well as they do Chicago or Louisville . Nothing to it.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Herschel said:


> Really, the kid should be crying. Who is going to wash my underwear and make me midnight nachos?!?!


These colleges now a days are like Club Med. Laundry service, and every food imaginable. It is amazing.

I thought I was getting punked when I was reading the list of things they offer.:surprise:


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Many wives love it when their husbands take them to learn ballroom dancing. *hint*


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The food at dd2's school is exquisite... She's in for a big surprise after she graduates  but the dorm is meh at best, but looks nice.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

UMP said:


> Thankfully our son is only 2 hours away, by car.
> It's our first to go. All I can think about is the stuff we used to do when he was a little guy.
> 
> When did your sex drive come back? My drive has left too which is really weird.


I don't think we stopped having sex altogether, but it did slow down for a time; however, once we adjusted, and my husband and I realized how much fun it is with just the 2 of us again, we enjoyed some hysterical bonding! LOL!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

john117 said:


> The food at dd2's school is exquisite... She's in for a big surprise after she graduates  but the dorm is meh at best, but looks nice.


Which reminds me, gotta drop off that flat screen tv and microwave.
How dare I expect him to go down one floor to use the rec room microwave and share a tv.:scratchhead:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UMP said:


> My wife is the kind of mother that stays up until her son gets home, even if it's 2:00am.
> If he comes home with all his buddies, she gets up to make them all food.
> He needs a shirt cleaned for the next day, no problem, mom does that.
> 
> She's a little too motherly, if you get my drift. She's always been like that, from day one.


That is the thing, we are always a parent but we must allow our kids to become an adult. If our girls need a shirt cleaned they know where the washer is located. At some point in our life as a parent we give up the do all parent roll(cleaning their cloths, etc.) However, some identify with that roll. Once gone it is like losing that job that has been held for years. One must reinvent themselves. I often hear the W becomes the H project once H is retired. Your W needs to perhaps fill her time in voluntary work in the community or similar activity to giver her a new roll.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

karole said:


> I don't think we stopped having sex altogether, but it did slow down for a time; however, once we adjusted, and my husband and I realized how much fun it is with just the 2 of us again, we enjoyed some hysterical bonding! LOL!


Yeah man, since our two girls are doing their own thing so are the W and I. And we are really doing or own thing!!!! Repeatedly! >


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> That is the thing, we are always a parent but we must allow our kids to become an adult. If our girls need a shirt cleaned they know where the washer is located. At some point in our life as a parent we give up the do all parent roll(cleaning their cloths, etc.)


I've been telling my wife that for years.
It's like talking to a wall.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

UMP said:


> My wife is the kind of mother that stays up until her son gets home, even if it's 2:00am.
> If he comes home with all his buddies, she gets up to make them all food.
> He needs a shirt cleaned for the next day, no problem, mom does that.
> 
> She's a little too motherly, if you get my drift. She's always been like that, from day one.


Sounds like her greatest self identification is as a mother. My guess is she will struggle with this until she finds a new identify to replace it. Does she have any plans to do so?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Sounds like her greatest self identification is as a mother. My guess is she will struggle with this until she finds a new identify to replace it. Does she have any plans to do so?


We do have an adult mentally handicapped child that will be with us till our death.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

UMP said:


> We do have an adult mentally handicapped child that will be with us till our death.


Do you have concerns that's she is going to go full on into parenting there? Just out of curiosity where do you rank in all this?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Do you have concerns that's she is going to go full on into parenting there? Just out of curiosity where do you rank in all this?


She has always been "full on" with all our kids, from day one.

My "ranking" was an issue when we had kids. Before kids, I was treated like a friggen king, no shiit:grin2:
After the kids, I got knocked back.
The last 4 years, I got my act together and basically climbed my way back to the top. I don't know if I will ever be number one after the kids, but at least she acts as if I'm number 1.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

UMP said:


> She has always been "full on" with all our kids, from day one.
> 
> My "ranking" was an issue when we had kids. Before kids, I was treated like a friggen king, no shiit:grin2:
> After the kids, I got knocked back.
> The last 4 years, I got my act together and basically climbed my way back to the top. I don't know if I will ever be number one after the kids, but at least she acts as if I'm number 1.


Well least that's good news then. Some never make it back to 1


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UMP said:


> I've been telling my wife that for years.
> It's like talking to a wall.
> I'm actually surprised he can wipe his own assss.


It does appear your W identifies and is validated by parenting your son in the manner she does. Between you and me, this will affect your son down the road. Cutting apron strings and such once married


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Empty nest syndrome is fairly normal but your wive's reaction is overboard.

Consider counseling.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

My wife is like the OP's wife. First kid went to school 50 miles away then moved 3000 miles away for first job, then moved back to 50 miles away. 

Second kid went to school 200 miles away, then will be 7000 miles away for first deployment. 

Third kid goes to school 10 miles away. 

The crying started with the first one because it signaled a new phase in our lives and because of the recognition that he would probably never live with us again. She still had two at home so she had to snap out of it, but that feeling of being "on the back nine" never left her. She said "All I have to look forward to is people leaving and dying." Great attitude. 

My attitude has always been that when you do a good job as a parent your kids are independent and capable. But she's a helicopter parent so she's uncomfortable with kids who don't need her all the time. 

I also remind her that at the same age as our middle child is now she was living alone 300 miles from her parents. But you never stop worrying about your kids welfare and she is a BIG worrier.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The kid will have semester breaks so he should be home around the holidays. Take your wife's mind off the now by suggesting she start preparing for when he comes home in a few months. Maybe she needs to paint his bedroom?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This was me last year, when our daughter went to school. I was sad for about a whole month. We visited her once every month and I cried for first 30 mins on the return trip. My husband always says, we'll see her soon. Because I know he was sad too.

Now the girl drove me mad all summer long and I can't wait for Sept 6th when she is returning to school. 
@UMP be patient, your wife is struggling with all sort of emotions. Like, she is getting old, where did the time when, who is going to take care of the boy.......Eventually she will be ok. 

Just keep reminding her that in a few weeks be will be back for the holidays. Before you know it she will be wishing he was away in school.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

john117 said:


> The food at dd2's school is exquisite... She's in for a big surprise after she graduates  but the dorm is meh at best, but looks nice.


Same at my DD's school. We ate at the dining hall while there to move her into the dorm. No undercooked chicken or overcooked slimy pasta in sight, UFB compared to the slop in my dining hall years ago.

I had a nice spinach salad with goat cheese, nuts and fresh berries. :surprise:


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## Greygeese (May 10, 2016)

I remember when mine went to boot camp a week from graduating and we couldn't talk to him for 7 weeks. That was hard.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## tripod (Jun 18, 2016)

Frankly, I hung in there with my bat **** crazy wife until the last one left for college and then cut the rigging of a shipwrecked marriage.

Like Braveheart: FREEDOM!


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

It's always the other partner who is batsh*t crazy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's not a team sport


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

My wife just found out our son lied to us the night before he went to college. He told us he was at Roberts house for the night and as it turns out he was at a seedy part of town partying till the wee hours of the morning. 

Now she's just pissed at him


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> Same at my DD's school. We ate at the dining hall while there to move her into the dorm. No undercooked chicken or overcooked slimy pasta in sight, UFB compared to the slop in my dining hall years ago.
> 
> I had a nice spinach salad with goat cheese, nuts and fresh berries. :surprise:


It's better than Disney Land.

As it turns out, these colleges are trying to get the new money from China to come over. They must compete on amenities.
This one particular kid was driving around in a Maclaren.
He told his dad he needed a $1,000,000.00 to complete 4 years of college. Dad dumps a million bucks into his checking account and son goes out and buys a Maclaren.

After all, every freshman needs a Maclaren :surprise:

Truth


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

UMP said:


> After all, every freshman needs a Maclaren :surprise:


I'm such a mean mommy ... I sent mine off with a 10 year old Subaru Forester ... and she didn't get it until her sophomore year. >


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

My granddaughter had to teach the other kids in her dorm how to use the laundry equipment; some of them had never washed an item. She had been doing hers since she could reach the controls, my daughter is an excellent mother but some things she taught them early.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Pam said:


> My granddaughter had to teach the other kids in her dorm how to use the laundry equipment; some of them had never washed an item. She had been doing hers since she could reach the controls, my daughter is an excellent mother but some things she taught them early.


I've never had any formal training but I can figure it out in about thirty seconds. How can those kids not figure it out?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> I've never had any formal training but I can figure it out in about thirty seconds. How can those kids not figure it out?


Coddling now a days. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Wow, just reading these posts. Do your kids have any IDEA how fortunate they are? How much you all love your kids and want the best for them?


To me, it's like reading about life on another planet.


I hope you guys are treated like gold by your kids, when you get old and start to need their help.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

becareful2 said:


> I've never had any formal training but I can figure it out in about thirty seconds. How can those kids not figure it out?


The part of their brains that attacks and solves problems has literally been turned off by parents and teachers who spoon feed them everything!

What they have learned is that everything comes to them if they wait or whine long enough. The precious babies have spent their lives being served by parents, coaches, and teachers. They have no concept of real learning and the importance of failure.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Last time I checked, laundry theory was not in the list of tests for medical school admission... the fact that my daughter managed to learn how to operate a CAT scanner or DNA sequencer without knowing how to cook tells me that her parents taught her to prioritize well


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