# "Just get over it"



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I had some idiot tell me that tonight. Oh, gee..why didn't I think of that! Just get over it! Like duh! How fvcking silly of me to be this way when all I had to do was just get over it! Look it there, people, all our problems are solved. We "just get over it" Gah, I bet we all feel stupid now, huh? All of this carrying on and crying and being all emotional and needy and for what? All we needed was to "just get over it". I'm always so fricking happy when people who have never been in my shoes can tell me exactly how to fix my problems. Yes, yes, thank you, that is what I will do. I will "just get over it"


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

If there's one sentence in this world that I hate, it's "Just get over it".

I hate it and I've been told by even my mother (for the most horrible things) to just "get over it".

Ok, I'll get over it. Right after I get over you...with my car. Morons.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I had no other reaction that to do that insane crazy person laugh when they sat there and told me to "just get over it" It made me want to pull my hair out


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Must have been someone who's never been through this hell. But that's what society is telling us BSs to do, that it was our fault that our WS went outside the marriage and that we should love them even more and simply get over it.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Modern society is fueled on ignorance
Get over it.
Its in your head.
Mental illness doesn't exist.
It didn't affect (insert name) like that, they just 'got on with it.'
You're over reacting

etc...etc...

These numpties annoy the hell out of me. They just don't have a clue.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

That was my wife's recommended solution. It didn't work.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I had some idiot tell me that tonight. Oh, gee..why didn't I think of that! Just get over it! Like duh! How fvcking silly of me to be this way when all I had to do was just get over it! Look it there, people, all our problems are solved. We "just get over it" Gah, I bet we all feel stupid now, huh? All of this carrying on and crying and being all emotional and needy and for what? All we needed was to "just get over it". I'm always so fricking happy when people who have never been in my shoes can tell me exactly how to fix my problems. Yes, yes, thank you, that is what I will do. I will "just get over it"


Please tell me the guy is walking funny this morning.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

When my xw would go on a rant about how unfair her life was, how miserable she was, how she has to deal with things that nobody else has to, yadda yadda yadda, I would sometimes say "Well then choose to be happy about the things you do have", and would always try to spin the negatives into a new light, but no matter how optimistic I tried to be she just never could get around to believing that our happiness is a state of mind which we really can have a lot of control over. It just peeved her off for me to insinuate that she should consider adjusting her attitude about responsibilities in life, or suggesting that happiness, and love, is a choice.

Oh well, works for me, I don't think I ever said anything to her with condescension, but she seemed to always take it that way. Perhaps she viewed my reaction as saying "just get over it"? Anyhow, even though she called me the pessimist all the time I find it so much easier to be positive with life ever since she chose to leave.

Apple, if there is condescension in those words absolutely it is an ignorant thing to say to someone, however there can also be a lot of power behind those words if you associate them to your own attitude, in a positive way.

ps if I offend you can call me an asshat, but only for this comment


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Please tell me the guy is walking funny this morning.


Why do you assume the idiot is a he? There are plenty of women who have used the same phrase, especially cheating wives.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

morituri said:


> Why do you assume the idiot is a he? There are plenty of women who have used the same phrase, especially cheating wives.


Apple's writing lent me to believe it was a man as I think she would have used a different derogatory word had it been a woman. I made a false assumption and I apologize. Here's hoping that whatever sex this person is, they learned a valuable lesson.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Apple's writing lent me to believe it was a man as I think she would have used a different derogatory word had it been a woman. I made a false assumption and I apologize. Here's hoping that whatever sex this person is, they learned a valuable lesson.


Women can walk funny too if you kick them hard enough. Don't ask how i know.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

WOW!!!!!!!! This is GREAT news!!! You can't imagine my relief knowing the answer has been found!!!

Can someone please send a message to the mods and let them know the great news, we can cancel TAM, or maybe change the forum... maybe "Talk about Manicotti ? pasta forums?"... 

a cure for infidelity has been discovered!!! woot, woot!!

it's been nice getting to know all of you, but "i'm over it"

Gotta run. Life awaits!

Chow,
~Pit~


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Here's hoping that whatever sex this person is, they learned a valuable lesson.


I agree. It is a totally thoughtless and idiotic thing to say 'Just get over it' to another human being who has gone through one of the most traumatic experiences that he/she can experience in his/her lifetime.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> WOW!!!!!!!! This is GREAT news!!! You can't imagine my relief knowing the answer has been found!!!
> 
> Can someone please send a message to the mods and let them know the great news, we can cancel TAM, or maybe change the forum... maybe "Talk about Manicotti ? pasta forums?"...
> 
> ...


haha, glad you got over it so easy. Enjoy the rest of your life!


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Well, obviously it's up to you to "get over it." It's your fault that you've been devastated on an emotional level... turn that frown upside down!

What a load of garbage.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

NO ONE would tell a grieving mother/father/sister/daughter/son/brother/etc to get over a death in the family.

And that's what this is. A death. A death of a relationship. A death of dreams. A death of the life you knew.

Screw those people. Compassion is a lost art.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Well, obviously it's up to you to "get over it." It's your fault that you've been devastated on an emotional level... turn that frown upside down!
> 
> What a load of garbage.


Right. You're just a helpless victim, and you need to DWELL ON IT. You were wronged. Someone else must heal you, because you are not responsible for your own emotional well being. Now you can add in the trauma caused by this thoughtless dismissive comment from someone who doesn't find your pain and misery as fascinating as you do.

If you think about it, "Get over it" is really nothing more than a cliched exhortation to move past the pain, get to a healthier place, and assert some control over your own emotions and well being. And, really, who wants to live like that, any way?

The Offspring - Feelings - YouTube


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Please tell me the guy is walking funny this morning.


Do we know it was a guy?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Do we know it was a guy?


It was not a guy. It was just some idiot who has never been there before. I wanted to give them the b!tch slap of the century.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Must have been someone who's never been through this hell. But that's what society is telling us BSs to do, that it was our fault that our WS went outside the marriage and that we should love them even more and simply get over it.


I get that some people have been lucky enough to have never gone through this tragedy before but to be so...so.....so.....what's the word I'm looking for?.....Ignorant? Unsympathetic? Clueless? Oblivious? There was no compassion at all. They talked to me as if I was stupid "for hanging on"---I am NOT hanging on. Even though I have fully accepted my marriage is over and I have moved past from that, the pain of the betrayal is still very much real.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

People have no idea until they've been there. We all need time to process, deal, and heal before moving on with our lives. And even then, the pain of infidelity will always be there. 

However, I think there is a point in time where you decide to "get over it". It doesn't heal everything, but we all have different rates of recovery based on our own situations, support system, coping mechanisms, personalities, etc. Now, that doesn't mean someone telling you to do so changes anything. But I know for me there was a point in time where I let it go, and decided that I was going to get past it. Not ever OVER it, but more like PAST it. I was going to make the best of my life and find my self-worth. But I truly doubt some insensitive, ignorant idiot telling you to "get over it" had that idea in mind.

That being said, we might think we are more past it than we really are. I knew that I was truly getting past it when I had someone ask about my marital status, and I said I was getting divorced, and I passed on the opportunity to share how wronged I had been. I simply left it at, "I'm getting divorced." Even when they said they were sorry, all I followed with was, "It's alright, it really is for the better. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I'm getting more out of life. And isn't that what it's all about?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, people who say "just get over it" with regards to a divorce/infidelity have clearly never been "through it."

When someone makes these types of comments, tell them you do not appreciate their comments and find them to be unkind/heartless.

When I was going through my divorce, my grandmother made a very insensitive comment about it and I called her out on it and told her how uncaring I thought it was. She had never been through/experienced a divorce before. She never made a similar comment again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> NO ONE would tell a grieving mother/father/sister/daughter/son/brother/etc to get over a death in the family.
> 
> And that's what this is. A death. A death of a relationship. A death of dreams. A death of the life you knew.
> 
> Screw those people. Compassion is a lost art.


:iagree:

Divorce is pain


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

I'm 5 1/2 years from D-Day and have been single for 4 1/2 years.

I forgave my WxW _to her face_ 4 years ago so that I could let go of the anger.

I'm dating an amazing woman - we'll likely get married next year.

I. Have. Moved. On.

But... there are times... especially when my GF and I talk about things that bring up old painful memories, or even worse, when I read certain triggers here on this forum. That pit of pain is deep, dark, and very hard to completely fill in.

We might be able to move on, but it will take a long, long time to "get over it."


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Also...

I suspect the longer the BS is in limbo, the deeper the pit.

That's just something I've observed over several cases, so I don't know for certain.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

OOE said:


> I'm 5 1/2 years from D-Day and have been single for 4 1/2 years.
> 
> I forgave my WxW _to her face_ 4 years ago so that I could let go of the anger.
> 
> ...


Moving on--yes, I am moving on. I'm moving on one step at a time. I'm not living the past, I'm not wanting him to come back, I don't want that life back, it was not a good life. But moving on does not mean it's an instant fix. It takes time to recover and I think this person just expected me to cross my arms, wiggle my nose and flick my ponytail for that instant magical fix.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> It takes time to recover and I think this person just expected me to cross my arms, wiggle my nose and flick my ponytail for that instant magical fix.


Very true. Though you'd probably look cute doing that anyway.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Very true. Though you'd probably look cute doing that anyway.


you know it


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## Jen's Husband (Nov 26, 2011)

I've been following the site since my wife told me she was posting here. I want to make clear that I don't think I've been betrayed to the extent that some others have been so I hope I don't step on any toes. But I just wanted to say that I think the question is valid even in my case. I just can't count how many times others, including my wife, have thought the best solution to all of our problems is for me to just get over it all. I don't mean on here, but people who are friends, family, a counselor and so on. 

My wife argues that she's done so many things that amount to minor betrayals she could never make it up to me, so my job is to just forgive and forget. It's nice to know that others see this behavior as well, though I'm sorry people are going through all this.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Phrases that I warned family members and friends NOT to ever, ever use in my presence or risk a Gibbs smack:

1. "Get over it." STBXH is "over" it, our marriage to be precise.

2. "It is what it is." STBXH's extremely lame rationale for what 
he did.


These are the top 2 on my list. Wanna stay in my good graces, NEVER use either phrase.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> 2. *"It is what it is."* STBXH's extremely lame rationale for what
> he did.


My exH said that all the time during our divorce


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Right. You're just a helpless victim, and you need to DWELL ON IT. You were wronged. Someone else must heal you, because you are not responsible for your own emotional well being. Now you can add in the trauma caused by this thoughtless dismissive comment from someone who doesn't find your pain and misery as fascinating as you do.
> 
> If you think about it, "Get over it" is really nothing more than a cliched exhortation to move past the pain, get to a healthier place, and assert some control over your own emotions and well being. And, really, who wants to live like that, any way?
> 
> The Offspring - Feelings - YouTube


No, I disagree. It is an insensitive remark that shows no empathy. I think the comment demonstrates a lack of insight into the fact that getting over it is not just a volitional act. It takes time and a lot of work, some things that do not just happen viola. 
I think that the only people who exhorted me to get over it were those who had not experienced it, and they trivialized the extent of the trauma.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> My exH said that all the time during our divorce


I heard "you can't help how you feel" a lot. Ugh.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Arnold said:


> No, I disagree. It is an insensitive remark that shows no empathy. I think the comment demonstrates a lack of insight into the fact that getting over it is not just a volitional act. It takes time and a lot of work, some things that do not just happen viola.
> I think that the only people who exhorted me to get over it were those who had not experienced it, and they trivialized the extent of the trauma.


I think it shows a shocking lack of emapthy. It's a brush off- "I don't want to hear about your problems anymore."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> I heard "you can't help how you feel" a lot. Ugh.


Crazy, right?

Oh mine would also say _"It's just a piece of paper" _(marriage).


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

!! That's pretty darn cold.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Like ice. 

To which I responded "Well then why did you ask me to marry you?"


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

A broken heart is not a cold, one can't get over it.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

My own sister layed a "get over it" on me, rather early in the process.
I can now see that she was motivated by her own embarrassment over seing her big brother hurt and in a weakened state. Somehow, she felt it reflceted poorly in her, as I had always been a high achiever, relatively sttrong and successful.
Others are simply uncomfortable acknowledging or accepting that it is a big time trauma. I think it may be because they actually fear it so much, themselves, that they whistle in the dark.
I can tell you taht the hardest thing for me to swallow in all of this is the unfairness. I do not miss my XW(she is a shrew). I see my kids enough and am doing well. But, to watch my XW simply skate on this really pisses me off. No one in her family has ever gotten inher face about anything in her whole life(and she has done some incredibly messed up things). Thye just let her go on her merry way.
One day, when she least expects it, I will arrange for her to receive a coconut cream pie in her face. Is that too much to ask-one simple cocunut cream pie smashed in her face?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

A catharis-cream pie!


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

"Pie is a dish best served to the face"(Initially, I was thinking of a steaming hot pizza from Pepe's or Sally's in New Haven. But, that would be wasteful.)


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> It was not a guy. It was just some idiot who has never been there before. I wanted to give them the b!tch slap of the century.


I wonder how brighteyes got the idea it was a man?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I am so over this thread


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I am so over this thread


Congrats.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

NotLikeYou said:


> Right. You're just a helpless victim, and you need to DWELL ON IT. You were wronged. Someone else must heal you, because you are not responsible for your own emotional well being. Now you can add in the trauma caused by this thoughtless dismissive comment from someone who doesn't find your pain and misery as fascinating as you do.
> 
> If you think about it, "Get over it" is really nothing more than a cliched exhortation to move past the pain, get to a healthier place, and assert some control over your own emotions and well being. And, really, who wants to live like that, any way?
> 
> The Offspring - Feelings - YouTube


Apparently you lost your sensitivity chip (if you ever had one) and you're right, you aren't like me.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Good to know as a new member this saves me months of pain just get over it!--hey Nike might...nah


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

I got, "Let's move on." Of course my interpretation of moving on is slightly different from hers.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

rotor said:


> I got, "Let's move on." Of course my interpretation of moving on is slightly different from hers.


Some people are better/faster at getting past this than others.Good book on this os "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing", by Susan Anderson.
Seems folks with chilldhood abandonment issues take longer to get back on their feet.
This was my second marriage where my wife cheated. Took me longer this time.
I was younger the first time. Still had hopes of meeting someone. Second time was like opening an old wound. And, of course having it happen twice made it easier for me to blame myself.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I think the point of contention with the "get over it" is that it is kinda obvious and need not be said, moreso telling someone that probably does absolutely nothing to actually expedite it. I personally tell it to myself frequently and it helps me visualize actually getting over it. For me it can also help coming from someone I know and respect, but coming from just anyone particularly if it becomes repetitive is just salt in the wound.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot 
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do 
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do 
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do 
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot 
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)

"Waiting for the End"
Linkin Park

Sums it up pretty good I think...My new anthem lately!


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## rightallalong (Dec 6, 2011)

get over it..! what am I trying to do here....PLEASE let me get over it !!!!!!!!!!!


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Arnold said:


> Some people are better/faster at getting past this than others.Good book on this os "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing", by Susan Anderson.
> Seems folks with chilldhood abandonment issues take longer to get back on their feet.
> This was my second marriage where my wife cheated. Took me longer this time.
> I was younger the first time. Still had hopes of meeting someone. Second time was like opening an old wound. And, of course having it happen twice made it easier for me to blame myself.


I think you may have misunderstood the context of my post.

By saying "Let's move on." Wifey was rug sweeping. It's the silk glove way of saying "Just get over it." 

Cheers,

rotor


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

rotor said:


> I think you may have misunderstood the context of my post.
> 
> By saying "Let's move on." Wifey was rug sweeping. It's the silk glove way of saying "Just get over it."
> 
> ...


NO problem. Moving on is decent advice, if it means jettisoning an unremorseful cheater.
I was just commenting that while getting over it and moving on is my ultimate goal, it is easier said than done this time. But, it is happening. Just slower the second time around.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

There is a difference between moving on and just getting over it. Moving on is when you start taking care of yourself and not worrying about how to please them or make them want to come back. Moving on is when you leave your past in the past and you start make yourself a new future-with or without them. You will still have moments where you struggle, you will still have times where you wonder what if, and you will have moments where all the coulda, woulda and shoulda's will run rampant in your thoughts but you don't let it stop you completely, you keep going. Moving on does not mean you do not feel any pain, but instead you work on piecing your own life back together. Some of the broken pieces you pick up and others you gotta leave them where they lie. 
When people look at you and say "just get over it" They have most likely never been the victim of betrayal (lucky dogs) they have no idea the pain this causes, they don't understand that it's a real, physical pain. I think I can safely say all of us wish we could just get over it. Wouldn't that make everything so much easier if we could have ourselves a little "off switch" we could just flip and in a magical instant, we wouldn't care about anything anymore. I think these people who tell us to just get over it do expect us to have that magical off switch. I also love how they say "Well, if my spouse ever cheated on me, I would just walk away and never look back".....Yeah, okay, lemme know how that works out for you.


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