# New career creating conflict



## maemae (Apr 14, 2013)

I am a first time visitor to this site. I will be the first to admit that maybe thinking about divorce is jumping the gun a bit, since we haven't even tried counseling, but I'm starting to think that we're really at a fork in the road of our relationship. 
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, and together for 8 (we are both in our early 30's). From the beginning, he has been very clear about wanting a family and children, and that having those are actually his goal in life. I think its a noble thing and a very valued trait, to have a man who wanted to get married and have children. When we got married, I told him that I also wanted to have children, buy a house and build a home together. So, we bought the perfect house in the perfect surburban neighborhood, adopted the perfect dog, and started to build our "perfect" life. For the past 3 years, our relationship, at least in my mind, has deteriorated. I don't feel like we have anything in common, we don't have fun together, we don't enjoy each other's company, and I can't even think of the last time either of us made the other laugh. By the way, the sex is non-existent, and when it does exist, it is more like a routine than anything resembling passion. Fast forward to 4 years later, and we have put off children because the year after we got married, I decided to go back to school for a masters degree to have a higher level position, but in the same field that I have been working in. He was not pleased with the idea of me going back to school and delaying his plans for children, and accused me of "stalling." I denied this, of course, but looking back on it now, I think maybe I was stalling a bit. As of today, I am a few weeks away from graduation, and have already accepted a job offer for a new position that will utilize my degree. It is a position that I have long coveted, and really is a dream come true to me. The down side, is that at least for a couple years, until I really become an asset to the team, I will be working an average of 60 to 80 hours per week. I did not take this job without talking to him about it, but after discussion, it was clear that he did not want me to take it. He did know that it was something I wanted, so he told me to take it anyway, which I did. I will not be starting this job for about 2 months. 
Now, he feels that I am choosing this job over him and our marriage, and that I'm throwing away everything we have in exchange for personal ambition, my own ego, and just being plain selfish. The truth is, I knew he would hate this idea of me working these hours, that it would not be feasible to have children for a few more years, and that it would require me to spend a ton of time away from him. I saw this job as my way out, I guess. I feel like the bottom line in our marriage is that we don't even like each other. I don't like to compare my relationship to anyone else's, but I can't help noticing that my couple friends are affectionate, loving, and smiling with their partners. My husband and I sit through silent dinners, silent car rides, and barely sit next to each other at social gatherings. 
He feels like our relationship has taken a downhill slide, but he feels like the love is still there, and he desperately wants to stay married to me. However, he wants to be married to the version of me who wants to be a wife and part-time working mother, not the high-powered career driven version of me. 
He has been the one to bring up divorce, and I'm not agreeing or disagreeing at this point. I guess what I'm asking is...am I being completely selfish to pursue my goal and ambitions (even though this goal wasn't present before we got married), or is he being selfish in not willing to stick it out a few more years to see what happens? He feels like he needs someone who shares his goals, and I feel like I need someone who allows me to pursue mine. He thinks that I have strung him along for the last 8 years because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet, and that I have been deceitful, though not intentionally. The idea of splitting up, selling our home, dividing our things, and having to break this news to his very large, very loving and close knit family is devastating.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

maemae said:


> . I guess what I'm asking is...am I being completely selfish to pursue my goal and ambitions (even though this goal wasn't present before we got married), or is he being selfish in not willing to stick it out a few more years to see what happens? He feels like he needs someone who shares his goals, and I feel like I need someone who allows me to pursue mine. He thinks that I have strung him along for the last 8 years because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet, and that I have been deceitful, though not intentionally. The idea of splitting up, selling our home, dividing our things, and having to break this news to his very large, very loving and close knit family is devastating.


Well, to be completely honest here, yes, you are being selfish, but let me explain why.

In a marriage, when two people join together, both become a "we" entity. Your decisions and his decisions should be based on a common goal - that is what is best for the marriage. Your career decision is clearly not based on a common "marriage" goal, but is based on yourself as a single person. Whether you are married or not, you are making a huge decision for yourself and not him.

And yes, if it was clear that when you married, you intended the "goal" to be having a family together, then YOU decide to hold off in favor of your career, then I can certainly understand his resentment. You have taken away his "dream" of the both of you and in it's place is something that you will benefit from with or without him.

I'm not saying that either of you are bad people, because you are not. It just appears to me that you have a "single" (as opposed to "married") mindset, and he sees this as a rejection of the life that you promised him. So the big question to ask yourself is whether you still love your husband, or you feel you would be better off letting him go to pursue the life that HE wants to have. Is there no compromise in your plans?

I know of a wonderful married couple where both have great careers and actually did manage to also have a lovely daughter together. The best of all worlds. It works because they love each other enough to each make sacrifices to make it work. Are you willing to do that? Or are you only willing to have your needs met first and then (maybe) you will accommodate his needs later? If you can't work this out in the present, you may have to seriously consider letting him go and getting a divorce.

It really is all up to you, since it is you making this decision. I wish you well.


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## maemae (Apr 14, 2013)

Thank you for your response and your honesty. I have taken away his dream...I did that 3 years ago when I started grad school, and I think that's when our relationship really started to change. I was so resentful that he didn't support my ambitions, and I'm seeing now that at the same time, I didn't support his. 
There is little room to compromise. This job that I have taken is an all or nothing deal...Hours are not negotiable due to the nature of the job. I feel like the problem is bigger than just a job though, it just happens to be that the job is bringing it to the surface. I have been stalling on starting a family with him because I'm not happy in our relationship, and I really want to be sure before I bring a child into an unhappy relationship.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I believe you're being selfish. In this case, I honestly see no reason why you shouldn't be. He wanted a family, he went after it. You want a career, by all means go for it.

I confess to being a career driven person, and I know the sheer sacrifices I had to make in my career when my kids came along. Here's my advice - follow your dreams. You can have kids later on or not, but you'd hate yourself and possibly resent your kids if you had to turn down the career you so obviously for them.

Besides if I may ask - did you also passionately want kids like your husband did? If you didn't, then pursuing your dreams isn't a betrayal, he had his dreams, you have yours. 

I'm sorry - I simply don't feel you should have to make all the sacrifices. What you do need to do however is have a frank talk with your husband. Make everything clear and honest, no deceit, no postponing. You guys need to set clear goals TOGETHER, as different from simply doing what one person wants..


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## Mikhail (Apr 19, 2013)

Your career does not have to be the problem. Having children will have a significant impact on the hours you as a couple can work, depending upon how much support you have or can pay for. However, if you are the career driven one, looking to claw up the corporate ladder, maybe he can be the one to focus on the family. Apparently that is what he really wants. 

It is very difficult for there to be two career focused people in a marriage with kids. Usually one has to work fewer hours and be available to stay home when the kids get sick. You can hire a nanny or if you have relatives nearby, that can also make a big difference in the ease of making a two career family work. 

You must decide, if you really want kids. If you don’t you should cut him loose. If you do, waiting for a “perfect” time is a mistake. The demands of you career are likely to get more rather then less. Although you can find countless stories of people having kids later in life, there are also countless stories, less told, of people who cannot. A number of birth defects are also positively correlated with older maternal and paternal age, so waiting does add risk. 

For myself, I always expected to marry someone with a greater career drive then myself. I like cooking, don’t mind cleaning and love spending time with my children. If I didn’t make 50% more than my wife and have much better prospects for increasing that I would be happy to be on a less demanding career track or even stay home. 

I have a relative, who was in a similar position to you. They got divorced over similar reasons; she decided she didn’t want a family. She is happier now focused on her career, and I assume he has probably found someone to have a family with.
Don’t have children to fix the marriage, fix the marriage (or not) and then have the kids. Raising children is a lot of work and doesn’t make anyone’s marriage better. Imagine your marriage, but with both of you more tired and stressed and with less time and money. These are not good ingredients to add to a struggling marriage.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

I think he is being unflexible. Life is hard and thing change people need to grow. Some people are intellectually driven and need a challenge. Does he make good money to support a family on his income or do you make more.
Lack of money will kill a marriage but so will lack of mental stimulation and personal growth. Go for it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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