# I feel stuck in my affair



## Stuck8686

Hi, thank you to anyone who is taking the time to read this. Let me ask first please do not read this and respond with judgement because that's really not what I am looking for-- I already feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself about this whole situation but I am here because I feel addicted and trapped in this affair.

I have been with my husband for 7 years, recently married 5 months ago. He is an incredibly amazing man and has always been very good to me. however, since we got married in October, I hit a patch of significant depression/anxiety and an "identity crisis," debating if I made the wrong decision in marrying him. 

This coincided with a man I work with being flirtatious beginning in December , eventually asking for my number and starting up an affair with me. We hooked up at work in my office several times, adding an extra layer of risk to the whole thing. He is 10 yrs older than me, married with 3 kids. I have never done anything like this or imagined that I would be the kind of person who would. The best explanation I can give myself is at I feel like I've totally lost my mind, and that now I'm just watching myself wreck my life.

The worst part is that I broke down at the end of January and told my husband. Even though I told him most of the details i didn't want him to know it was someone i worked with. He ended up finding out anyway and asked for "100% honesty" and a desire to use it as an opportunity to examine and improve our marriage and move on. I lasted about 4 days before I went back to the other man.

Now I have been straddling this for about 2 months--my husband has forgiven me, wants to move on, but doesn't know I'm still in this full-fledged. 

The issue I'm having is that whenever I sit down and swear to myself that I need to end it with the OM, I have these extreme, physical responses and panic attack type experiences. I've started drinking heavier than normal and even abusing NyQuil to just try to take the edge off but the only thing that seems to work is when I contact the OM. I am actually a mental health clinician and work in a substance abuse hospital but cannot for the life of me "practice what I preach." I will go all day trying to distract myself and stay busy and then have this spark of temptation and suddenly find myself in a full blown sex convo with this guy.

I recognize that leaving my husband may be the right choice but I cannot even fathom doing this. I feel like I would be throwing away a very good, long, promising and healthy relationship for what has been 3 months of total insanity. I am very close to his family too. I am definitely not in love with the OM, just obsessed with him i think. On paper, it is ridiculous comparing the two men because my husband is definitely a "better catch"-- but i just feel so much more passion with OM. Its like I'm an entirely different person sexually. Since i told my husband in January he has been encouraging me to follow those sexual urges but I just absolutely can't (I think partially because of the guilt/shame at this point). Its like I just have 0 sex drive for my husband and all I want is this OM....but in every other way i want my husband. I just don't know what has come over me.

My head says that I should stay in my marriage and work to repair it because I am so fortunate to have the husband I do. I am not entirely sure that i want to be married but i also know that i don't think theres a better man out there for me. I have drunkenly begged my husband to divorce me, but he keeps asserting that he is faithful to working on repairing the marriage. I feel so guilty that I am just flat out abusing him, but I dont know that there's any way out of this witout continuing to hurt him. Either by coming clean (again) or leaving. My way of dealing with it has just been to continue to hide this.

Yes, I have been seeing a therapist and it is helpful but I am just so worried I'm going to totally destroy my marriage (and even potentially career) before I get to the bottom of this. 

I have always considered myself a strong person and this is so uncharacteristic, but I just feel like I'm "watching myself" and I have no control. 

I'd appreciate any advice, particularly if anyone has ever been in a similar situation of being "addicted" to the affair, and struggling with how to leave the affair or leave the marriage.


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## Shaggy

You have to realize 2 things here

1. You are the one in charge of your actions. You are choosing to cheat.

2. You have already left your marriage by your own choice. You've had two chances here to choose differently, the first time you started cheating, and when you falsely reconciled with your husband.

So recognize that you have made your choice and be honest to your husband and yourself.

And hopefully your husband will find a board like this one and folks can help him. My advice to him would be to expose the OM to his wife and to demand you leave your current place of employment.


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## MattMatt

When I trained as a counsellor I was made aware of the system of mentors to help us to vent about difficult cases in a confidential way. If you have such a mentor seek their help. The drink and drug abuse you are sliding towards is a major issue to my mind.
Your affair could be a component of a larger problem. Seek help. Please.
Marriage counselling might also be of benefit. 
If your husband struggles with anything or seems to act like a wimp, please know he is doing this out of love for you and also shock and fear of losing you.

Please try to be sympathetic to him and his needs. Try not to start to despise him for any 'weakness' you might perceive in him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger

Stuck8686 said:


> Yes, I have been seeing a therapist and it is helpful but I am just so worried I'm going to totally destroy my marriage (and even potentially career) before I get to the bottom of this.


This doesn't sound like someone who has a concern for others. Not a judgement, but an observation.

There are many resources here to help if that's what you want, but please note that you will see things here that cause you to take a long, deep look at yourself and you may not like what you find.

Also note that should your H find out that it's still going on, your concerns will be moot.

Here's a page I wrote a while ago on ownership

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/28260-taking-ownership.html

Also as Mattmatt said, your husband could find comfort and advice here if he needs to. And don't begrudge him releasing his emotions.

Hope you find your demons and beat them. All the best


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## TryingToRecover

You are deep in the fog of your affair which is certainly being muddied by what sounds like your rapidly growing alcohol problem.

Why do you need to beg your husband to divorce you? You are not in this marriage 100% if you're in it at all. You can divorce your husband but leave him with everything (house, sole custody of any kids, assets, etc) and leave him so he can find a better life with someone who appreciates him, rather than someone who sneaks around and hides their affair during this supposed reconciliation.

Some of the things you've mentioned; continuing to hide the affair, "just flat out abusing him," and the abuse of alcohol to boot.....cut your husband loose and deal with your issues. 

Also, I don't know how a mental health clinician in your state of mind with all of the issues you've got going can be of any assistance to their clients. I take it your employer isn't aware of any of this? What happens should they find out? Or if your clients find out? How helpful can you really be to your clients in this situation? You need to get serious help before you can be of any help, particularly with vulnerable people.

Abuse of alcohol aside, you chose to get involved with someone else other than your husband and you can choose to get yourself out of this mess. You aren't trapped. It might not feel good for awhile to keep yourself away from the OM but eventually it'll pass, like withdrawal. That is if you choose to do the hard work.

You need to quit your job to get away from the OM and your clients. If I was one of your addicted clients and found out my therapist was actively addicted as well, at a minimum I would feel deceived and short-changed.

I'm not being judgmental but I suspect it will probably be perceived that way. I am, however, being honest.


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## MattMatt

Numb-badger said:


> This doesn't sound like someone who has a concern for others. Not a judgement, but an observation.
> 
> There are many resources here to help if that's what you want, but please note that you will see things here that cause you to take a long, deep look at yourself and you may not like what you find.
> 
> Also note that should your H find out that it's still going on, your concerns will be moot.
> 
> Here's a page I wrote a while ago on ownership
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/28260-taking-ownership.html
> 
> Also as Mattmatt said, your husband could find comfort and advice here if he needs to. And don't begrudge him releasing his emotions.
> 
> Hope you find your demons and beat them. ALl the best


I agree. Invite your husband to TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stuck8686

Thank you for all these posts so far, they are helpful.

What is TAM?


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## Numb-badger

Talking About Marriage

i.e. this site


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## Stuck8686

Ha! Ok, got it. Thank you


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## bryanp

How would you feel if your husband was doing this to you behind your back? You need to tell your husband you are back in the affair because he has a right to know that you are continuing to put your health at risk for STD's.

Your husband deserves at the very least the truth that you are continuing the affair so he can decide how he wishes to lead his life also. This is not just about you. The fact that you were married this past October and continue to cheat on your husband says it all. You clearly have no respect for your husband and do not care how much you humiliate him. Allow your husband to divorce you so he can move on and find someone else who can truly love and respect him since you clearly do not.

By the way, the fact that your OM has no problem having sex with a married woman says a great deal about his morals. Please remember that if he will cheat with you then he will cheat on you as well.


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## HarryDoyle

I think you already know what the answer is but choose not to admit it. Since you are a mental health professional, I don't think there's anything I can tell you already don't know. I knew all answers too, but chose to ignore them so I could do what I wanted to do. I had to reach total rock bottom before I decided to stop all the destructive things in my life (alcohol, SA). I lost just about everything in my life and was forced to start all over again. How I'm still married is a miracle from God and a very long story. You know what do, so it before you lose everything, do it!


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## warlock07

> I feel like I would be throwing away a very good, long, promising and healthy relationship for what has been 3 months of total insanity


And string your husband with crazy for the rest of his life ? Ever hink of what he is getting in this deal ?

I think you are not cut out for log term relationships like marriage, atleast for now. You are not marriage material. Stay single or in be in open relationships. Only when you find yourself more stable and comfortable mentally, try a relationship. Don't even think of staying or getting married for a while. 

Ending the relationship with your H is the best thing for both of you. You are not in a state where being married to him is good for either of you(Even if he says otherwise)

And how the hell do you justify cheating with a married man? Why are you destroying his family ?


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## cledus_snow

sorry, but this sounds like a half-assed attempt on your part. you do know you have to come clean yet again.

it's obvious you need to go NC. why haven't you quit your job?

this is all BS, if you ask me..... your attempt at ending it.

furthermore, you're in no position to give your clients advice given your situation and your "addiction" to the illicit sex. your position has been compromised and you should definetly step down at the moment- highly inappropriate and very unprofessional of you and this POSOM. you are doing these people(clients) a great disservice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

Are you in counseling? If not you might want to think about it. I mean individual not marriage counseling.


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## bandit.45

Come clean with him. Offer to go down to the courthouse with him and file to annul the marriage. Up to now its all been about you. Have the courage to have some consideration for him. 

Let him go. 

Then see how long your passionate relationship with the OM lasts. Who knows? It may last a lifetime. I predict you'll tire of him in a year and start pining away for the good man you destroyed. 

Not trying to be harsh but you need to grow up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane

Stuck8686 said:


> Thank you for all these posts so far, they are helpful.
> 
> What is TAM?


Talkaboutmarriage

Stuck You are what we have given the nickname of cakeater you enjoy the marriage and the stability of a serious relationship while having a boyfriend on the side. I think you have compartmentalized your life to a point where you are addicted to the sex, the thrill of cheating. Your LH did the worst thing he possibly could be giving you a blanket pass as you have seen it has lead you right back to the OM. Your actions are selfish and you are choosing to continue the Affair. Honestly if you cannot stop cheating you should divorce your husband as he deserves someone who will not disrespect them, nor betray them. 
I also think you reasons for the affair are as shallow as a puddle next to the road on a hot summer day. You are not cheating with a single man you are cheating with a married man. You thought it would be a good idea to see if you married the right man, by cheating on him with a man that is now cheating on his current wife. You know in ancient China when a ruler conquered a territory as a show of good faith. It was common practice to kill all of the people who had betrayed the country conquered and help the aggressor win. The say goes if they will turn on their homeland they will turn on you. 
So this married guy is cheating on his family and kids with you. What happenes when he gets tired of you? 
You asked for no judgement that's fine. 
Here is some REALITY
You are choosing to continue the Affair even after your H found out about it.
You say you want to stop the Affair yet you continue the affair. That shows me you actions are incongruent with your words. Therefore I can only assume that you are saying you want to end the affair because it is what you are supposed to say. 

You cannot continue this lifestyle it never works out and You will hurt a lot of people. your H, Your friends, family, and the Other mans' wife, the other mans kids.

If you really want to end it you will tell you husband immediately what you have done. you will contact the OMW because she deserves to know. You need to get tested for STD's since you probably aren't using a condom. A good start would be tell your H exactly what you posted Originally. If you can't tell him send him to this website to read it for himself. He needs to understand what is going on with you and how he can't just let you slide like he is.


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## Will_Kane

What would you say if someone came to you with a story like yours, two months married, and just can't find the willpower to break off the affair?

If you don't want to eat any potato chips, don't keep any in the house.

If you want to end this affair, remove yourself from that job.

Now, start telling me all the complicated reasons that you just can't quit.

So if you're not going to quit, and you already told your husband, now tell the other man's wife.

Also, tell your husband your still full-fledged in the affair.

What I'm saying is that when you have a moment when you are feeling strong and sure about wanting to end this affair, take a bold action from which there is no going back which will force you to end the affair.

What it all comes down to is character. Do you have the character to do the right thing?


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## MattMatt

Yet *more* health care professionals cheating with each other at work, screwing over their loyal, faithful spouses. Damn.


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## bandit.45

I read that healthcare pros have the highest rate of workplace infidelity followed closely by educators, the military and then law enforcement. 

Am I right Chap?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> I read that healthcare pros have the highest rate of workplace infidelity followed closely by the military and then law enforcement.
> 
> Am I right Chap?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have heard something along those lines.


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## Acabado

No short cuts. Hard, decisions. Stop the train wreck.

Quit the job. ASAP.
Quit the pills and booze. ASAP.
Confess.
Get an IC trained with addictions.
Send a NC letter, block him from any avenue of comunication, get rid of any mementoe/picture/gift whatever, make yourself accountable to your husband about comunication devices and whereabouts.
Moving away if you need.
If you have faith pray, go back to church.

Get past the withdrawal, you are perfectly aware on how hard it is. You are also perfectly aware you won't die by doing it.
A day at a time, greeting teeth, sitting in your hands if you need. Getting busy body and mind. Visualizing a "DANGER/STOP" sign...

Check you inbox, yyou have a PM


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## All of a sudden

Yoou are a mess right now, either pick yourself up and decide to stay in the marriage or get the f#ck out. Do you know how much it hurts to be cheated on. It affects your husband physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cant explain how bad the pain is and your causing him pain intentionally. Your lucky to have a second chance. It sucks being married to a cheater, sh+t or get off the pot. Your husband does not deserve this. You are making a decision each time you cheat again. No sympathy from me to you. You are a real piece of work, the man has children, you gonna screw up their lives? Yes it will be your fault. Go to rehab, then you wont see either of them for 30 days and maybe see the full impact of your actions. Where are your morals? Did they take a holiday?


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## lisab0105

Good lord. As someone who's fiancé depends on his mental health counselor to help keep him on the straight and arrow from cheating and sabotaging his life...your actions make me very scared for him and the mental health system as a whole. You are supposed to know better. You are supposed to help people. Instead you are f'cking someone else's husband all over your desk. Resign because until you are capable of helping yourself, your husband and that man*****'s poor wife, you are not to be trusted to help anyone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho

bandit.45 said:


> I read that healthcare pros have the highest rate of workplace infidelity followed closely by the military and then law enforcement.
> 
> Am I right Chap?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Naughty nurses and naughty teachers


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## Broken at 20

I want to put your life in terms of a car wreck. 

You were going 80 down the highway, with your husband, kids, and everyone else that you care about in that car. And then you hit a semi-truck head on. 
And somehow, by an act of God, you are all still alive. 
So, most people after that incident, would stop driving 80mph down a high way. 

But instead, you choose to take it up to 90mph, and are still cruising down the highway waiting to hit something else. And the crazy thing is, I think you actually enjoy it. 


And it sounds like you are justifying staying with your husband by his mental state. 
Yes, he knows about the affair. And if he knew it continued, what would happen if you left him? Would he commit suicide? Would he go crazy? Or would he spiral into depression? OR would he move on? Or would he go and get revenge by banging every single one of your single friends? Nobody knows. 
But you are using his mental state as an excuse for stringing him along. You are manipulative to a degree that really scares me. And you don't want to admit that, or hear that. 

Now, your affair is fun and hot. Because it is wrong, and secret, and something you shouldn't be doing. 
Well, what happens when the OM's wife finds out? Will he dump her, and come to live with you? Or will he burn you, and do everything he can to save his marriage? Because if we look at this in a business sense:
If he picks you, he gets a woman he barely knows but gets to have sex with. And he gets to pay his XW lots of money for alimony and child support. And he may risk losing his job. 
If he picks his wife, he dumps you, but doesn't have to pay his wife half his paycheck in payments. And he won't lose touch with his kids. 

Right now, you are gambling with literally, EVERYTHING in your life. 
If you win, I imagine best case scenario is either:
You move in with your AP, and you both magically live happily ever after like in those Disney Movies I watched when I was 6. And I am sure your kids will love getting to see you, knowing you destroyed their father and their home and split up their family. Who doesn't love seeing a parent that did that? Ask my dad how much I love seeing him. He no longer has a black eye. 
Or you magically reconcile with your husband, and you take a large paycut and forced no-pay vacation while your job figures out what to do with you. 

But you should always prepare for the worst. 
Which includes losing your job for your lack of morals. And likely won't find another due to this. Word gets around. 
And you lose your husband. Because he finds out he can do better. Because newsflash: men with money and average looks, and MORALS are in high demand for recently divorced women. But demand for recently divorced wives with no job, kids, and a lack of understanding what the definition of fidelity is, demand is very low. At least for long-term relationships. 
Oh, and your kids may never not like spending time with you. Since you know, you are effectively splitting the family up with your own selfish behavior. 
And your lover leaves you to go live with his life. 
And you are kicked out of the house because of the divorce. 
And you probably will have to take a low-income job. 

Well, I gotta go work at my grocery store. Got an 8 hour shift. 
Maybe in 6 months, you'll be my coworker!


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## Plan 9 from OS

OP, How much does your husband really know about your affair? 

Did you use protection with the OM or did you allow him to ejaculate inside of you?

Do you do things with him that you never did with your husband? 

I don't think you told your husband everything. 

Get this marriage annulled. If you couldn't remain faithful to your husband after 5 months of marriage, then drop it. Then again, you were with your husband for a long time before you two pulled the trigger. This is why I think the excessive wait time couples now like to do prior to marriage 1) does not reduce the odds of cheating because you start running into the "7 year itch anyways" and 2) The long length of time together that is not shared as a husband and wife, IMHO, ingrains patterns that are counterproductive to healthy marriages; i.e. conditioning a couple to get into a habit of maintaining a life as 2 singles under one roof.


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## Vanguard

I need you to read this. 

You have destroyed your man. It's pretty inevitable that he's going to find out, and when he does, he will never be the same. 

And he will never heal. Not completely. He will always hurt, he will always be emotionally limping. You have taken a beautiful thing, and have forever tainted it. It is ruined. You say that the whole marriage is worth preserving in light of only three months' insanity. But what you don't understand is that while it may seem like such a small indiscretion, that's only because you're the one inflicting it, not receiving it. 

This world is full of men who have been betrayed, hurt, cut to the core, and now don't even believe in love. And it's because of the seemingly insignificant "indiscretions" such as the one that you have committed.

All the good times you've experienced with your husband. All the happy memories that you have forged with him. Your honeymoon. Your first home together. The first time he had to go away on a trip, and the feeling of joy you both experienced when he came home to you. 

All those feelings, all those precious, tender, beautiful moments are now smoldering ash. They can never be repaired.

And you lit the match.


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## walkonmars

Go straight to your director of HR at your clinic and let them know what's been going on with OM. Do it on your very next workday if you are serious about knowing "what to do". 

Next tell your husband that the affair continued and that you've gone to HR. 

Submit a letter or resignation and find another job. 

Go to an IC for your depression issues

Until you do all of these your marriage is a sham.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Are you for real?

You've been together 7 years but only married for 5 months.

Did you think being married would suddenly make your husband sexually attractive?

Do him a favor and divorce him so that he can find a woman worthy of his love.


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## carpenoctem

Stuck8686 said:


> My head says that I should stay in my marriage and work to repair it because I am so fortunate to have the husband I do.
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> *In your opinion, is your husband fortunate to have you as his wife?*
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> Stuck8686 said:
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> I have been with my husband for 7 years, recently married 5 months ago. He is an incredibly amazing man and has always been very good to me.
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> May I request you not to call him that (an incredible, amazing man?). *He might be so in all respects, but what he is NOW in relation to you is an incredible, amazing fool. *A cuckold whom your OM must view as the fall-back cushion of an unpaid escort (I am sorry about the harsh words, but you yourself say you and OM are not in love. And if you are a sex partner of a married man who is not in love with you, that is what he is more likely to see you as).
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> Stuck8686 said:
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> I have drunkenly begged my husband to divorce me, but he keeps asserting that he is faithful to working on repairing the marriage.
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> There. THAT could be the problem. Your husband is a ‘nice guy’. *If he had slapped a Divorce Notice in your hands, and asked you start counting the days down, you might have suddenly found the scenario reversed *(unless you were having an exit affair, and wanted to have another sexual experimentation phase in your life).
> And a Divorce Notice, followed by detachment and eventual indifference from your husband, might even decelerate your ‘addiction’. *As of now, you don’t know how much of your ‘addiction’ is dependent on the feasibility factor (you doing / continuing it just because you can).*
> 
> Again, why ask / beg him to divorce you, if you think separation is the way to alleviate your guilt / do him justice? You can divorce him too.
> There are no children in the equation, right?
> 
> 
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> Stuck8686 said:
> 
> 
> 
> On paper, it is ridiculous comparing the two men because my husband is definitely a "better catch"-- but i just feel so much more passion with OM.
> Since i told my husband in January he has been encouraging me to follow those sexual urges but I just absolutely can't (I think partially because of the guilt/shame at this point). Its like I just have 0 sex drive for my husband and all I want is this OM....but in every other way i want my husband.
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> You might rekindle some sex drive for your husband after a long time, after your affair loses steam, etc. *But why should he wait for THAT, lady? Is that his lot in life - to be a sex scrounger? *Some other woman might find him sexually attractive. Shouldn't you let him live to experience that?
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> Stuck8686 said:
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> The best explanation I can give myself is at I feel like I've totally lost my mind, and that now I'm just watching myself wreck my life.
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> *That you are - watching yourself wreck your life. But at least, that is by your own choice, and at your own price (and reward). But please don't forget that you are also wrecking your husband's life without his choice, knowledge, consent or deservedness.*
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> Stuck8686 said:
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> I feel so guilty that I am just flat out abusing him, but I dont know that there's any way out of this without continuing to hurt him.
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> That you are - emotionally abusing him. Some would even call it emotional terrorism.
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> Stuck8686 said:
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> I'd appreciate any advice, particularly if anyone has ever been in a similar situation of being "addicted" to the affair, and struggling with how to leave the affair or leave the marriage.
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> 
> *If your husband knew that you even debated this - whether to leave the affair (3-months old) or the marriage (5-months old, but preceded by 7 years of relationship), that itself should make up his mind for him.*
> 
> 
> Plus, lady, if you could fall into a 3-month affair just 5 months into marriage, perhaps the decision to marry itself was a warped one.
> 
> 
> In my opinion, your husband deserves a better life as a man. With you (as you are now) absent in it. And only YOU can give it to him.
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> *Your choice. Your conscience.*
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## verpin zal

You said that you drunk-begged your husband to divorce you, and he didn't accept that.

How about rephrasing your begs to "honey, I'm still seeing this other man behind your back. Maybe I don't deserve your forgiveness."

Give him the truth, without the trickle part. So he may know the whole truth and move from there, most likely for him to divorce, as you so desire.


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## Madman1

Acabado said:


> No short cuts. Hard, decisions. Stop the train wreck.
> 
> Quit the job. ASAP.
> Quit the pills and booze. ASAP.
> Confess.
> Get an IC trained with addictions.
> Send a NC letter, block him from any avenue of comunication, get rid of any mementoe/picture/gift whatever, make yourself accountable to your husband about comunication devices and whereabouts.
> Moving away if you need.
> If you have faith pray, go back to church.
> 
> Get past the withdrawal, you are perfectly aware on how hard it is. You are also perfectly aware you won't die by doing it.
> A day at a time, greeting teeth, sitting in your hands if you need. Getting busy body and mind. Visualizing a "DANGER/STOP" sign...
> 
> Check you inbox, yyou have a PM



*The full effect of your affair has not hit your husband yet, it will.

You have introduced a slow acting poison into your husbands system and it is already to late, you have changed him forever no matter what you do.

You confessed on your own that is in your favor, but you went back and the people on here who do that, have the hardest time making it work.

You will have to do radical surgery to save this!

You probably have one more chance!

Only you can decide what kind of person you want to be!

You will have to tell your husband everything, including the identity of this co-worker!

Yes complete NC (no contact) is the only answer, follow the list above, its spot on.


And if you love your husband and want him to heal send him here!

*


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## MattMatt

Stuck, I am making this appeal to you. You should *STOP* seeing any clients until you have resolved your issues.
*
You are in no fit state to work with clients at the moment, IMO.*


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## alte Dame

This is all very self-destructive. You're not just hurting yourself, though. You're hurting an innocent man as well as the family of your OM. Three children! Doesn't that shame you? Do you stop to think that you are an instrument for their pain?

Stop the drinking and the Nyquil c0cktails and grow up. Take responsibility the way a grown, respectable woman should. You are wallowing all the while you are hurting innocent people. It's a terrible thing to do and will be a time in your life that you will look back on with tremendous self-reproach. You can't undo what you've done, but you can stop it from getting worse.


----------



## tacoma

Direct your husband to this message board.
We'll show him how to end your affair for you since you can't do it yourself.

It'll all be over in less than an hour after your H contacts your lovers wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

tacoma said:


> Direct your husband to this message board.
> We'll show him how to end your affair for you since you can't do it yourself.
> 
> It'll all be over in less than an hour after your H contacts your lovers wife
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## walkonmars

tacoma said:


> Direct your husband to this message board.
> We'll show him how to end your affair for you since you can't do it yourself.
> 
> It'll all be over in less than an hour after your H contacts your lovers wife
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Me 3


----------



## Machiavelli

Stuck8686 said:


> I have always considered myself a strong person and this is so uncharacteristic, but I just feel like I'm "watching myself" and I have no control.
> 
> I'd appreciate any advice, particularly if anyone has ever been in a similar situation of being "addicted" to the affair, and struggling with how to leave the affair or leave the marriage.


You're right, it's addictive behavior. When you bang a new guy after being with the same one for a few years, you cause a huge release of PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, et al that put you on a crack-like high. That's why women can't stay away from their affair partners. WW's constantly are quitting their affairs, but the craving starts up and the panties fly off somehow. 

Ever wonder why you haven't been using rubbers? Same thing. The mood elevating chemicals in semen, like cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, oxytocin, thyrotropin-releasing hormone, serotonin, testosterone (all antidepressants), melatonin (sleep inducing) and more. All this is absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the rectum and vagina, as well as sublingually.

See, you really are an addict. You have to quit the crackhouse. That would be your job.


----------



## Chaparral

Here is what one wife posted about a situation similar to yours. She had kids and had even more to lose. But you get the drift.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66063-before-you-decide-leave-read-my-story.html

Her husband found he deserved a better person.


* Before you decide to leave. Read my story 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.

Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.

Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.

During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party. 

Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.

We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.

Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me. 

But now its different.

We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me. 

I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol. 

All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids. 

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me. 

I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.

Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other. 

In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore." 

I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well. 

Why live this lie anymore I thought. 

Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork. 

During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening. 

Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.

My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.

Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me. 

I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing. 

As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.

Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me. 

Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it. 

It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child. 

It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do. 

I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.

I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish. 

My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together. 

Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now. 

I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized. 

What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life. 

He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.

I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help. 

So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.

I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now. 

Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin. 

Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well. 

So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.*


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## Chaparral

You do realize your are just another lay for him right? There is virtually no chance him leaving his family for a cheating woman he knows he can't really trust.


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## Chaparral

Look at gutpunch's thread in one of the separation divorce sections. His wife is in rehab now.


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## InlandTXMM

OP I'm glad you came here to advice. If you are tough enough to listen, you will hopefully get snapped back to reality. 

A couple of observations:

1) Your first request - please don't beat you up because you feel guilty enough already - is cake-eating 101. You want advice but don't want anyone to call you a married man's mistress. Think about that for a moment - when you were a little girl, did you ever want to grow up to be some married guy's wh*re? 

Yet here you are. By your own choosing. To deny it is to deny reality, and I hope you are here for a dose of reality.

And did it occur to you that a prostitute would actually cost your boy toy MORE than you are charging him?

2) Like many of these others will tell you, you are addicted chemically to the body fluids of a man not your husband and to the sordid details of the affair.

Yet you cannot stop. You cannot face what you've done. As a BS, I can understand why you can't face it - when the full scope of what she'd done finally hit my wife, she needed antidepressants and ended up with gastric problems.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE DAMAGE YOU'VE CAUSED. You are within inches of ruining two families, destroying lives, wrecking careers. Forever destroying not only who YOU are, but who your husband is. And everyone in your life will always know you as the woman to keep their men away from.

All for what? The feeling of a little strange between the legs?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

I tend to punch hard at the WS here because I hope to give you a dose of reality with all of the semen-laden feel-good dopamine you are getting at the expense of your own self-worth and your husband's dignity.

END THIS AFFAIR NOW and inform your husband. Let him decide if you are worth hanging on to. Or better yet, since you have no self-control anyway and seem to have no problem leaving him hanging while you grab for your ankles for a married man in the office, PLEASE FILE FOR DIVORCE and give the poor man a chance to find a woman worthy of his fidelity and love.

Now, all of that said was meant to punch you between the eyes. I do not mean to inflame the board or hurt you personally. I mean to get through the fog you are experiencing as a wayward spouse.

OF COURSE you aren't "that kind of girl". Except that, right now, you ARE.

You can change this. You can come back to a place of dignity for yourself. You may not be able to save your marriage, but you can get to a place where you will NEVER do this again to the next man.

One last thing - please never believe for a moment that a married man will leave his family for you. I know, as a guy, if you are willing to screw around WITH me, then you are definitely the type to screw around ON me. So while I might not have any problem using your body for my own gratification, no way in HELL will I respect you as someone worth hanging on to for more than 20 minutes at a time, and then only by the hips.


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## aug

You're only married 5 months, no kids -- no problem. Your husband can move on easier. There's no need for him to stay because of the kids.

If your husband's self-respect is strong, he should leave you. If weak, why would you want to stay with him?

It's better for him to know that you are this way this early in the marriage. Let him know that you are doing him a favor by showing your true character this early in the marriage.


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## InlandTXMM

If your hubby ever reads this thread, my advice:

Sir, leave this situation screaming like there is a bomb in the room.


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## InlandTXMM

Machiavelli said:


> You're right, it's addictive behavior. When you bang a new guy after being with the same one for a few years, you cause a huge release of PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, et al that put you on a crack-like high. That's why women can't stay away from their affair partners. WW's constantly are quitting their affairs, but the craving starts up and the panties fly off somehow.
> 
> Ever wonder why you haven't been using rubbers? Same thing. The mood elevating chemicals in semen, like cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, oxytocin, thyrotropin-releasing hormone, serotonin, testosterone (all antidepressants), melatonin (sleep inducing) and more. All this is absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the rectum and vagina, as well as sublingually.
> 
> See, you really are an addict. You have to quit the crackhouse. That would be your job.


An accurate if unsavory description. OP, you getting this yet?


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## MattMatt

InlandTXMM said:


> If your hubby ever reads this thread, my advice:
> 
> Sir, leave this situation screaming like there is a bomb in the room.


My suggestion is that he goes about this in the "British" way. Rapidly walks from the room, shaking his head, muttering to himself: "And to think! I used to love her. Best see my Solicitor first thing in the morning."


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## DavidWYoung

Hello, thank you for posting here on TAM. You are a smart woman who can find a job anywhere in the world. You are also tired of your boyfriend, that is how you think of him. 

Your problem is two fold.

You think with your LADYBITS!
Your word means NOTHING!

Now, I am sure that you went to school for a long time and you have a degree and we old soldiers should look up to you BUT, you LIE and you think with your C%NT. 

Look at your actions and go with that. Find a new job in another part of the country. Divorce your husband. Stop lying. Stop thinking with your Ladybits. Good luck and have a better life. David


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## Madman1

She is reading this, I'm sure, she has never realized the damage she was causing, its gut wrenching and paralyzing.

She knows it cant go on, its dawning on her that she must act, she knows she was meant to be better than this.

Stuck, these people are being tough but for good reason, there is so much at stake, do what you know to be the right thing and dont doubt it, then stick with us we really do care, we will help you get unstuck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM

I'll be the first in line to high-five her when she's done the right thing.

That starts with CLOSING YOUR LEGS to any man but the one you swore your fidelity to.


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## verpin zal

Machiavelli said:


> You're right, it's addictive behavior. When you bang a new guy after being with the same one for a few years, you cause a huge release of PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, et al that put you on a crack-like high. That's why women can't stay away from their affair partners. WW's constantly are quitting their affairs, but the craving starts up and the panties fly off somehow.
> 
> Ever wonder why you haven't been using rubbers? Same thing. The mood elevating chemicals in semen, like cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, oxytocin, thyrotropin-releasing hormone, serotonin, testosterone (all antidepressants), melatonin (sleep inducing) and more. All this is absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the rectum and vagina, as well as sublingually.
> 
> See, you really are an addict. You have to quit the crackhouse. That would be your job.


Finally.. Someone who speaks English.

(this from a man living in İstanbul :smthumbup


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## Lost at sea

It is not worth it. Tell your husband and get therapy. This new guy is a jerk
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound

Listen to Lost At Sea. She knows what she is talking about.


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## walkonmars

SaltInWound said:


> Listen to Lost At Sea. She knows what she is talking about.


Yes unfortunately she's been there - rough seas in your future if you don't follow the advice being provided.


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## Lost at sea

You know that new guy feeling you have right now? It is a lie. The only thing it is is a lie. When this ends, and it will end, the only thing you will have is a broken marriage and a destroyed man. For no reason. Its not worth the cost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill

End the marriage. End the affair. Get better IC.


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## Shaggy

Or if the new guy is really the one, help him get free by confronting his wife. Maybe she'll leave him and you can have him full time.

Actually he'll dump you like a hot potato, you are nothing but an easy lay to him.


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## SaltInWound

You want to end the affair? Tell the OM you are pregnant.


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## dgtal

you are destroying 3 families: your own one, the posom's, and your client's
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost at sea

Hope your husband blows it all up by telling your boss and your boyfriends wife or girlfriend. That is what happened to me and it got my head out of my rear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old_soldier

HERE IS SOME ADVICE, NOT JUDGEMENT; 
WHEN YOU CHOOSE THE BEHAVIOUR, YOU CHOOSE THE CONSEQUENCES.

Now for some judgement; your behaviour is cold, heartless and cruel. You can figure out what the consequences will be when you are found out.


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## Numb-badger

Stuck, I used to speak to a guy on here who was married and played around with married women - not unlike your new 'soulmate'. I'm going to give you a message he sent me on why he did what he did. It's not going to be nice reading for anyone, but I feel you need to get into the head of this guy to see how things 'really' are.

*************************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex. 

***********************************************

I hope that sheds some light for you and other wayward women out there.

Regards

N-B


----------



## Headspin

Stuck8686 said:


> Now I have been 'straddling' this for about 2 months--_*my husband has forgiven me*_, wants to move on, but doesn't know I'm still in this full-fledged.


You could easily be my stbxw
One interesting highlight is this. You actually think he thinks that that he has forgiven you. You're either very naive or just stupid. After two months of this you actually think he has forgiven you !!?? That shows how small a misdemeanor this really is in YOUR mind 



Stuck8686 said:


> I am actually a mental health clinician and work in a substance abuse hospital but cannot for the life of me "practice what I preach."


How disappointing this is. Thinking of the amount of trust real people have placed in you in such a prominent place where trust is / should be a professional requirement. Even in this respect you have committed a 'professional' adultery. 
You should resign your job - today imo 



Stuck8686 said:


> I have always considered myself a strong person and this is so uncharacteristic, but I just feel like I'm "watching myself" and I have no control.


mmm... course the last thing this could be is er ............dare I say ........actually your fault! You.

This is all recent I give you another two weeks and you'll be confidently saying "well husb did this, didn't do that" and "did that".... "I wanted to feel like a woman again"..... "I needed" "You did'nt ....."

Actually if you want to continue your web of deceit, contrary to some I'd not let him on here at TAM because he'd be 'unforgiving' you in about 5 minutes flat

___________

I suspect the 'WSpouse supporters pack' will be here soon telling us all to "support you" 

Well for those 'the support' we should be giving here is exactly what has been said. The harsh advice is actually support for somebody like this how on earth else are they going to understand even for a second the magnitude of what they have perpetrated.

(post deleted and ban to follow no doubt)


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## Acabado

Headspin said:


> I suspect the 'WSpouse supporters pack' will be here soon telling us all to "support you"


What's that?


----------



## Stuck8686

Hi everyone, 

Thank you so much for your replies and time to help (or at least call me out on my BS). As someone said, I really did come here looking for guidance and the brutal truth/reality of what I'm doing. If I didn't give a sh*t, I'd be out there just continuing what I'm doing and maintaining it for the next 5 years. It's more that I'm confused at why this is happening and how there has been such a marked shift in my character-- I said it in my original post but maybe it's something people wouldn't understand unless they have lived it, I really do just feel like I'm out of control, and watching myself engage in this crap. I do recognize this is addiction. Maybe that's justifying or excusing horrific actions. Sure, it probably is. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. I'm going to write this post with brutal, disgusting honesty. Feel free to call me out on it, but I feel like there's no where else I can say things with 100% honesty (yes, in IC to a certain extent). 

A lot of you pointed out that I'm in mental health and how I need to leave my job ASAP and discontinue work with my clients. I agree to some extent. I have felt, at a minimum, really distracted from my work in the last 3 months and have obviously not been dedicating 100% of my energy to their care. Instead I find myself sitting in session daydreaming about the OM and wondering what kind of kinky texts are waiting on my phone. Is this wrong, do I recognize it as a really significant problem? Of course. I sit there and tell myself to snap out of it and focus on my clients, but it's like my mind is stuck on this unhealthy loop 24/7. I could go into all the complicated reasons of why I can't leave my job so easily but I'm sure it will sound like excuses, but let me say that I am definitely looking into options.

I feel like a shell. Everything I used to value no longer seems to matter and things I used to enjoy I have absolutely no interest in anymore. The only thing that seems to give me a "spark" is the OM. I said to my IC recently that "He makes me feel like I'm alive, and the rest of my life just makes me feel stagnant and dead." Of course I recognize this a signs of depression and I'm going to a psych this week. I came here to see if anyone has ever felt this or has been able to successfully move past this feeling that life has completely lost its meaning. 

Yes, to everyone who pointed out that I'm an unpaid escort/prostitute/lay, I agree. The bottom line is, at least right now, I don't care. I don't care enough about myself, and I really don't care about him. To anyone who suggested I have a fantasy of running away with OM, I absolutely don't. At all. It's crossed my mind once or twice but I do not have any feelings for him beyond the fact that he makes me feel "alive" sexually and I like that his is complimentary of me. 

So selfish? Obviously. Everyone asking about my morals and how I could do this to my loving husband and OM's wife and 3 kids.... I don't know. I obviously completely recognize this as egocentric behavior just sacrificing and hurting everyone around for some kind of rush. I'm not stupid. I know that's what I'm doing, and I know it's cruel, I know it's hurtful, all the other words people used etc etc. Like I said though, I'm struggling to wrap my mind around why the fact suddenly I am throwing all my values out the window and I am dedicating more energy into actively hurting people whereas I have lived my life and based my career around healing and helping people. 

I had been on vacation from work for the past week, across the country. I had found myself texting OM all week long, more than my husband. Last night I got home and had 2 big crying/depression spells to my husband and almost confessed (again), thank you to the support of this board. I decided that I need to first end it with OM (for good) before I talk to my husband about it. I do know that I need to confess it to my husband. I will. I suspect by the time tomorrow is over. I just want to see OM tomorrow and discuss/end in person first. Can I promise this will happen? Not really. I still don't trust myself. But I'm hoping I can do it.

NumbBadger-- I found your post from the cheater to be very helpful. It sounds exactly like my OM. I feel like he might as well have written that. See I KNOW I'm being played, but I also feel like I'm playing him back. It all goes back to that "I don't care"/disconnection from the world feeling. You guys can call it whatever you want-- cruel, manipulative, cold, etc. and yeah, I guess that's what it is. But like I said, I haven't always been this way. Truly. I have lost something in this fog and my struggle is how to get it back. That's why I'm here.

I wrote this recently...about 3 weeks ago. Just to give you a snapshot of what I'm thinking. Believe me, I'm not posting it for pity. I'm not looking for anyone to say, "Oh wow, I'm sorry you feel that way." In fact, gauging from the tone of this board, I can tell I will get a handful of "good, you deserve to feel that way you b*tch." And that's fine. I know. Just posting my frame of mind.


I suppose it’s not a bad idea to just sit down and start writing what I’m going through, because living in my head certainly isn’t working. Maybe someday I’ll look back on all of this and think, “Wow, that really made me a stronger person,” but in the meantime, f*** it. I feel pretty f***ing depressed, pretty f**ing anxious, and pretty f**ing disoriented. Everything feels pale. Everything feels like I am moving through a cloud, and I truly have to concentrate really hard to make any kind of facial expression. I have to say I’m putting on a good show. I’m not sure that the average person could tell how much I’m suffering emotionally, but maybe it’s because I really became a master at hiding depression when I was younger. And now, that familiar feeling—if left to my own devices, I really just want to be alone. I just want to be silent, and I just don’t want to think or emotionally connect to anything. 
It’s exhausting. Being a decent f***ing human being is exhausting. Here I am in the field of mental health and “saving the world” and maybe I recognize that’s a big expectation to put on myself. Obviously. But somewhere along the line I got it in my head that I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do when you grow up—save the world. Yet I wake up routinely and fantasize about working in some superficial job making three times what I do now and just living a totally hedonistic life. Working in a skyscraper, maybe. Wearing cute, expensive clothes and f***ing my boss on lunch breaks.
I guess chasing after that fantasy on some level is what brings me to writing this. I don’t work in a skyscraper and while I aim for cute clothes, they certainly aren’t expensive, and the guy I was hooking up with wasn’t my boss. I’m not sure what I was chasing after, but I found that viciously chasing after some selfish fantasy is a quick and fast way to lose your mind. At the end of the day, my fantasy took me out of that whole goal of being a decent human being…and then I come back to that question, do I even give a s*** about being a decent human being? And what does that even mean? Is all of the moral discussion just relative…and if it is (which I believe), relative to what? 
Up until this point, I feel like I’ve worked hard to really engage in a life of pro-social behavior and even preach it in really bulls*** terms, like “I believe in putting good energy out into the world.” And then when I really think about it, I know I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by a pretty decent community of people who like and respect me for all that and the good show that I put on. Maybe it was genuine. Maybe it was the “true me.” But now I feel like I’ve just totally lost any orientation of what the “true me” actually is. Living that way was emotionally challenging, and maybe it was boring. Maybe I don’t want to be true or genuine, because sometimes I’m just f***ing angry and want to rage revenge on the world. 
It’s a combination of wanting to go out and create chaos and hurt and revenge, but I also just want to be emotionally isolated. Emotionally isolated, unavailable, and alone. Maybe it’s my primitive animal instinct; when animals are hurt, they retreat, shut down, and isolate with the goal of healing. They either heal or they suffer until they die. Maybe my fear is that my isolation would lead to death—either physical or emotional. But right now, I’m certainly building a wall, and I can’t tell if it’s to protect myself, to hide, or to just give myself excuses to run away. 
When I ask myself what I’m angry at, I don’t really know. Men, maybe. I’m conflicted, because sometimes I feel like a victim but other times I just want to surrender and be a victim. Be hurt, be alone, and be a victim...because at the end of the day I feel like that's what I deserve. 

--still stuck


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## alte Dame

You're a big girl. Start acting like it. Nobody - NOBODY - is forcing you to do what you are doing. Grow up and stop hurting the army of people you are hurting. No hand wringing, no excuses about addiction, no 'just trying to figure it out.' Just stop it.

Then get some counseling to see why you've descended into the ranks of bad faith.


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## cledus_snow

at least you came back to the forum. 

now.....



> It's more that I'm confused at why this is happening and how there has been such a marked *shift in my character*-- I said it in my original post but maybe it's something people wouldn't understand unless they have lived it, *I really do just feel like I'm out of control*, and watching myself engage in this crap.


this is why you need help..... psychological help. this is totally out of character for many, if not most people. you are hurting people here, and i'm not talking about just your husband. you know what i mean.


i don't agree with seeing OM one last time. it's obvious you can't control your urges, and are gonna be reeled-in once again. furthermore, i believe you're doing it to get one last "roll in the hay" with this POS. there is no swan song in affairs..... there is no such thing as "closure." just end it now. go and tell your husband NOW! don't wait.


as to your job, you know very well what you have to do. you are cheating these people out of a quality recovery if you are an addict yourself. i say again, you are in no position to give these people meaningful advice- you are not being authentic.

if this man is in the same profession, he must also be removed. what you two are engaged in is inappropriate, unethical, unprofessional.


now go and do the right thing.


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## MattMatt

I am no expert my qualifications are old and fairly modest but it is my guess that you might be suffering from depression, perhaps work-related. See your mentor for help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Stuck,

You are out right lying to us and yourself.

You're going to see the OM, you are going to have sex, your going to cheat on your husband again, and not a thing is going to change.

You are doing the classic addicts negotiation and false plans. You aren't going to end it, you are going to have sex.

you are giving more to OM including wilder and kinkier sex than your husband will ever get from you.

So not only are you cheating on your husband, you are short changing him in the bed room,

And you are lying to us and YOURSELF. Thing is, we both know addicts lie. 

The only way to deal with an addict is to call them out when they do it.

Hopefully your husband is actually listening to his gut and he is gathering the evidence he needs to expose to the OMW and to your mutual employer.

You think you got it all covered and you are in control. But appearances can be deceiving especially when you are the one convincing yourself that it's all ok.

So even right now your husband might just be in watch and wait mode getting ready to pounce and destroy you and the OM.

While you are busy being the OM sex kitten, your husband is watching, planning, and preparing.

Has he noticed your drinking more?

Has he noticed you no longer participate actively in sex with him?

Has he noticed you have new moves?

Has he noticed you are looser?

Has he noticed you are bored with him?

Has he noticed you are always texting?

Has he noticed you no longer do certain things in bed for him? Because you now only put the effort in for the OM?

See while you are busy lying to yourself, your husband has a million years of human evolution called his gut telling him , that you are cheating, that he is a low priority to you, and that he should be taking action.

So you might just find your world about to crash hard. Very hard and very permanently.

You may want to confess.


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## jim123

An affair is an addiction and you have the classic case. You are like a cocaine addict who will destroy themselves.

You more than likely leave your job. You will one day lose everything over this.


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## bandit.45

Stuck...go back and read your posts. Count how many times you wrote "OM" and how many times you wrote "my husband". 

You actually mention your husband very little...like he's just this person standing way outside on the periphery...

You tell us all the things your OM does for you and really nothing about your husband except that he took you back and you were mad cause he didn't fight for you. 

What does this tell you. Tells me that when it boils down to it your husband means nothing more to you than a live-in babysitter for your kids...a coatrack...a piece of furniture. 

For god's sakes please just divorce him and free him from his misery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Stuck, your flame needs to burn everything around you before a wiser you can sprout (if it is possible).


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## Chaparral

In my construction business I am actually around a crack addict and a heroin addict occasionally. One is in his seventies and one in his fifties. You sound exactly like them. Exactly. In their case however, the are mostly just hurting themselves. They live to get off work every day so they can go get high. Nothing but getting high has an enjoyable effect on them. The same with you.

The difference is you are leaving a trail of broken, destroyed people, including kids in your wake. And no matter how much you wring your hands, and whine, you could really care less.


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## Wiserforit

The longer you wait, the more ghastly the consequences.


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## walkonmars

Stuck, 
Would you advise an addict under your care to go ahead and see his supplier "one last time" to tell him he is not going to use anymore? 

Same thing. You know what to do. 

BTW were you sexually abused as a child? It's not an excuse at all - just wondering.


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## Malcolm38

Hope for the best for you and your future. I honestly mean that. 

I mostly hope for your husband to get out of this situation and to find someone that isn't damaged and that will actually care about him.


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## EleGirl

Stuck,
The things you are feeling are pretty typical of many who cheat. Let’s look at your relationship with OM as a drug. 

What you write could be written by most drug addicts. Addiction is about one thing… chasing the dopamine production and uptake. That’s what you need to look at. I’m sure you know this, all the things are you doing with the OM cause the brain put pump out high levels of dopamine and other feel good chemicals: high risk behavior, wild sex, secrecy, etc. 

Unfortunately there are no rehabs for your kind of addiction. So you have two choices. 1) Continue this until you grow to hate the OM more than you enjoy the high, or until the affair completely destroys your life and not even the OM gets a thrill out of this game with you. 2) Go cold turkey… with or without your husband.

My suggestion is that you go the cold turkey route with you husband as long as he will stick with you. He sounds like a great guy you might be there for you and be able to hold himself together through it as well. IMO, sometimes affairs are about a mental illness of sorts.. Yours certainly seems to be.

You are in such a state right now that I suggest you get a psychiatrist or counselor who will help you tell your husband the truth of what is going on. I’m concerned that you are going to have a major breakdown. Well I’m concerned about your husband falling apart as well.

Can you get any meds for the anxiety and depression? How will that affect your job? Can you take a break from work?

Is the OM in a position of authority over you? A supervisor? A head of your clinic?

You are going to have to go cold turkey. That means, among other things, that you cannot see the OM ever again. I mean that you cannot even work in the same place he works. You will never end this affair until you do not see him again.

By the way, you cannot break it off with the OM by going to see him. That will only lead to continuing the affair. The only way to end it is to write him a ‘No Contact Letter’ and send it to him. There are samples ones on the internet and on this site. In it tell him that you will not talk to or see him ever again. And if he approaches you, you will bring stalking charges against him.

I suggest that you and your husband read the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley.


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## MattMatt

Here are some of the dangers of Nquil abuse Recreational use of NyQuil? | Go Ask Alice! But you should know all this, any way, right?:scratchhead:


----------



## Broken at 20

When I read your first post, I had some marginal respect for you. Because you were at least able to realize you had a problem, and came here. 

After that post, you lost it. 
Why?
Because you don't respect yourself. 

Why are you having sex with another man? 


> The bottom line is, at least right now, I don't care. I don't care enough about myself, and I really don't care about him.


So you don't care about him, or yourself. 

So you have zero respect for yourself, your body, your marriage, your children, your husband, so what the hell do you respect? 


You want to break it off with the OM. 
You should've done this way before now. And then you say something stupid like this:


> I do know that I need to confess it to my husband. I will. I suspect by the time tomorrow is *over. I just want to see OM tomorrow and discuss/end in person first*. Can I promise this will happen? Not really. I still don't trust myself. But I'm hoping I can do it.


I have a feeling I know how that meeting will go. 

Something along the lines of: You try to tell him it is over. He says he loves you. You say you feel conflicted. He woes you. Then an hour later, you are smacking yourself upside the head, wondering "What the hell was I thinking?"


And I found this very interesting. 


> I feel like a shell. Everything I used to value no longer seems to matter and things I used to enjoy I have absolutely no interest in anymore. *The only thing that seems to give me a "spark" is the OM.* I said to my IC recently that "He makes me feel like I'm alive, and the rest of my life just makes me feel stagnant and dead." *Of course I recognize this a signs of depression *and I'm going to a psych this week. I came here to see if anyone has ever felt this or has been able to successfully move past this feeling that life has completely lost its meaning.


Later you said you don't care about the OM. So what is it? Does he give you that spark, or is he just a light switch. If he is in the room, you are on. If he isn't, you are off? 

I saw that depression. I see this as a scape goat. 
Your husband will ask you repeatedly if you ever come clean about all this. And I can see it like a movie playing out in my head. 
"Honey, why did you do this? What were you thinking?"
"I don't know dear! I was depressed and couldn't think straight!"

And the worst part?! You are in mental health!!! 
You should know how to spot the signs for depression. You should know coping mechanisms that don't work. And I am pretty damn sure, that having an affair is a coping mechanism that does not work! Granted, I only have 3 hours of psychology. 




> So selfish? Obviously. Everyone asking about my morals and how I could do this to my loving husband and OM's wife and 3 kids.... I don't know. I obviously completely recognize this as egocentric behavior just sacrificing and hurting everyone around for some kind of rush. I'm not stupid. I know that's what I'm doing, and I know it's cruel, I know it's hurtful, all the other words people used etc etc. Like I said though, *I'm struggling to wrap my mind around why the fact suddenly I am throwing all my values out the window and I am dedicating more energy into actively hurting people whereas I have lived my life and based my career around healing and helping people. *


I think I know why. 
But chances are, you won't like the answer. And knowing my blunt nature, it will be harsh. 

But I think the reason why is the same reason why you won't stop the affair. 
Turning this all around, stopping the affair, would require you to look at and fundamentally examine who you are as a person. And if you did this, you would think "Oh my GOD!!! Am I really that monster?"
Because let's look at what you are capable of:
You have lied to and manipulated your husband by having, and carrying on, this affair. And you are putting his physical health in danger of STD's. And you have put his emotional and mental well being in danger. All for a whim. A little fantasy and a bland memory of some great sex with the OM. 
You have put your children at risk of growing up in a one-parent household, switching off every-other week between parents. Because we all know that is the best way to raise children (obvious sarcasm). And you have clearly showed them what a healthy marriage is suppose to look like. Daddy is busy at home keeping the children happy, and working for money, while mommy also works for money, and then goes off and has sex with someone that is not daddy. What a great example you are setting. 

And instead of dwelling on all that, you would rather continue this affair, and not have to think about all that. It is a scary thing to face, I won't lie. 
But the longer you put this off, the more hideous and larger that monster grows. And eventually, it won't be able to hide in the shadows any longer.


----------



## JMGrey

Stuck8686 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Thank you so much for your replies and time to help (or at least call me out on my BS). As someone said, I really did come here looking for guidance and the brutal truth/reality of what I'm doing. If I didn't give a sh*t, I'd be out there just continuing what I'm doing and maintaining it for the next 5 years. It's more that I'm confused at why this is happening and how there has been such a marked shift in my character-- I said it in my original post but maybe it's something people wouldn't understand unless they have lived it, I really do just feel like I'm out of control, and watching myself engage in this crap. I do recognize this is addiction. Maybe that's justifying or excusing horrific actions. Sure, it probably is. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. I'm going to write this post with brutal, disgusting honesty. Feel free to call me out on it, but I feel like there's no where else I can say things with 100% honesty (yes, in IC to a certain extent).
> 
> A lot of you pointed out that I'm in mental health and how I need to leave my job ASAP and discontinue work with my clients. I agree to some extent. I have felt, at a minimum, really distracted from my work in the last 3 months and have obviously not been dedicating 100% of my energy to their care. Instead I find myself sitting in session daydreaming about the OM and wondering what kind of kinky texts are waiting on my phone. Is this wrong, do I recognize it as a really significant problem? Of course. I sit there and tell myself to snap out of it and focus on my clients, but it's like my mind is stuck on this unhealthy loop 24/7. I could go into all the complicated reasons of why I can't leave my job so easily but I'm sure it will sound like excuses, but let me say that I am definitely looking into options.
> 
> I feel like a shell. Everything I used to value no longer seems to matter and things I used to enjoy I have absolutely no interest in anymore. The only thing that seems to give me a "spark" is the OM. I said to my IC recently that "He makes me feel like I'm alive, and the rest of my life just makes me feel stagnant and dead." Of course I recognize this a signs of depression and I'm going to a psych this week. I came here to see if anyone has ever felt this or has been able to successfully move past this feeling that life has completely lost its meaning.
> 
> Yes, to everyone who pointed out that I'm an unpaid escort/prostitute/lay, I agree. The bottom line is, at least right now, I don't care. I don't care enough about myself, and I really don't care about him. To anyone who suggested I have a fantasy of running away with OM, I absolutely don't. At all. It's crossed my mind once or twice but I do not have any feelings for him beyond the fact that he makes me feel "alive" sexually and I like that his is complimentary of me.
> 
> So selfish? Obviously. Everyone asking about my morals and how I could do this to my loving husband and OM's wife and 3 kids.... I don't know. I obviously completely recognize this as egocentric behavior just sacrificing and hurting everyone around for some kind of rush. I'm not stupid. I know that's what I'm doing, and I know it's cruel, I know it's hurtful, all the other words people used etc etc. Like I said though, I'm struggling to wrap my mind around why the fact suddenly I am throwing all my values out the window and I am dedicating more energy into actively hurting people whereas I have lived my life and based my career around healing and helping people.
> 
> I had been on vacation from work for the past week, across the country. I had found myself texting OM all week long, more than my husband. Last night I got home and had 2 big crying/depression spells to my husband and almost confessed (again), thank you to the support of this board. I decided that I need to first end it with OM (for good) before I talk to my husband about it. I do know that I need to confess it to my husband. I will. I suspect by the time tomorrow is over. I just want to see OM tomorrow and discuss/end in person first. Can I promise this will happen? Not really. I still don't trust myself. But I'm hoping I can do it.
> 
> NumbBadger-- I found your post from the cheater to be very helpful. It sounds exactly like my OM. I feel like he might as well have written that. See I KNOW I'm being played, but I also feel like I'm playing him back. It all goes back to that "I don't care"/disconnection from the world feeling. You guys can call it whatever you want-- cruel, manipulative, cold, etc. and yeah, I guess that's what it is. But like I said, I haven't always been this way. Truly. I have lost something in this fog and my struggle is how to get it back. That's why I'm here.
> 
> I wrote this recently...about 3 weeks ago. Just to give you a snapshot of what I'm thinking. Believe me, I'm not posting it for pity. I'm not looking for anyone to say, "Oh wow, I'm sorry you feel that way." In fact, gauging from the tone of this board, I can tell I will get a handful of "good, you deserve to feel that way you b*tch." And that's fine. I know. Just posting my frame of mind.
> 
> 
> I suppose it’s not a bad idea to just sit down and start writing what I’m going through, because living in my head certainly isn’t working. Maybe someday I’ll look back on all of this and think, “Wow, that really made me a stronger person,” but in the meantime, f*** it. I feel pretty f***ing depressed, pretty f**ing anxious, and pretty f**ing disoriented. Everything feels pale. Everything feels like I am moving through a cloud, and I truly have to concentrate really hard to make any kind of facial expression. I have to say I’m putting on a good show. I’m not sure that the average person could tell how much I’m suffering emotionally, but maybe it’s because I really became a master at hiding depression when I was younger. And now, that familiar feeling—if left to my own devices, I really just want to be alone. I just want to be silent, and I just don’t want to think or emotionally connect to anything.
> It’s exhausting. Being a decent f***ing human being is exhausting. Here I am in the field of mental health and “saving the world” and maybe I recognize that’s a big expectation to put on myself. Obviously. But somewhere along the line I got it in my head that I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do when you grow up—save the world. Yet I wake up routinely and fantasize about working in some superficial job making three times what I do now and just living a totally hedonistic life. Working in a skyscraper, maybe. Wearing cute, expensive clothes and f***ing my boss on lunch breaks.
> I guess chasing after that fantasy on some level is what brings me to writing this. I don’t work in a skyscraper and while I aim for cute clothes, they certainly aren’t expensive, and the guy I was hooking up with wasn’t my boss. I’m not sure what I was chasing after, but I found that viciously chasing after some selfish fantasy is a quick and fast way to lose your mind. At the end of the day, my fantasy took me out of that whole goal of being a decent human being…and then I come back to that question, do I even give a s*** about being a decent human being? And what does that even mean? Is all of the moral discussion just relative…and if it is (which I believe), relative to what?
> Up until this point, I feel like I’ve worked hard to really engage in a life of pro-social behavior and even preach it in really bulls*** terms, like “I believe in putting good energy out into the world.” And then when I really think about it, I know I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by a pretty decent community of people who like and respect me for all that and the good show that I put on. Maybe it was genuine. Maybe it was the “true me.” But now I feel like I’ve just totally lost any orientation of what the “true me” actually is. Living that way was emotionally challenging, and maybe it was boring. Maybe I don’t want to be true or genuine, because sometimes I’m just f***ing angry and want to rage revenge on the world.
> It’s a combination of wanting to go out and create chaos and hurt and revenge, but I also just want to be emotionally isolated. Emotionally isolated, unavailable, and alone. Maybe it’s my primitive animal instinct; when animals are hurt, they retreat, shut down, and isolate with the goal of healing. They either heal or they suffer until they die. Maybe my fear is that my isolation would lead to death—either physical or emotional. But right now, I’m certainly building a wall, and I can’t tell if it’s to protect myself, to hide, or to just give myself excuses to run away.
> When I ask myself what I’m angry at, I don’t really know. Men, maybe. I’m conflicted, because sometimes I feel like a victim but other times I just want to surrender and be a victim. Be hurt, be alone, and be a victim...because at the end of the day I feel like that's what I deserve.
> 
> --still stuck


Jesus, what a load of fatuous, self-exculpatory blubbering. The depth of the narcissim and self-importance in this post really leads me to question if you could be clinically diagnosed as a sociopath. That's a concept that unfortunately gets thrown around these days with far too much liberality, but you've admitted that you hold no respect or depth of feeling, even superficially, for any of the parties involved except for yourself, whom you've cast mentally as victim is this horrible situation. By all accounts it seems to me that you measure the worth of individuals *solely* in terms of what they can provide for you.

As an aside, I wonder more and more whether people like you that are seem so psychologically unsound are taking up residence in that discipline to hide their nature and to learn effective camouflage, because you're hardly the first therapist to show up on CWI claiming to not understand themselves. I then have to question that if you cannot understand yourself, even having complete access to your cognition and thoughts, how have you functioned as a therapist at all? Or would it be a stretch to say that you understand very well why you did it, you just do not possess the language to pardon yourself in polite company? Did you get married and have children because you understood that it was expected of you to achieve a particular status as a woman in society? Do you enjoy therapy not because of the prospect of helping others but because you delight at the idea of taking a person down to parts to see how they work?

It is not an exaggeration to submit that you're a person of low character, made all the more disturbing by the fact that your job is trying to help others with the mental and emotional help.


----------



## walkonmars

JMGrey said:


> ...As an aside, I wonder more and more whether people like you that are seem so psychologically unsound are taking up residence in that discipline to hide their nature ...


This is the very reason that industry is wracked with failed MCs. I wouldn't be surprised to find our little Ms Stuck giving ludicrous advice to unsuspecting people in a troubled marriage a few years from now. Simply unreal. 

Physician, heal thyself.


----------



## Acabado

Yeah, get closure... in the back room.


----------



## InlandTXMM

walkonmars said:


> This is the very reason that industry is wracked with failed MCs. I wouldn't be surprised to find our little Ms Stuck giving ludicrous advise to unsuspecting people in a troubled marriage a few years from now. Simply unreal.
> 
> Physician, heal thyself.


The shrink across the hall from me in the office building is certifiable. And she deals with little kids all day.


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## MattMatt

InlandTXMM said:


> The shrink across the hall from me in the office building is certifiable. And she deals with little kids all day.


I think it was Dolly who said an elderly professor told her that "there were a number of crazy people working in the mental health field because the best place for a tree to hide was in the forest."


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## carpenoctem

*Stuck:*

Reflections on your last post:

A shade of Sadism – continuing this behavior even after being called out, even after being offered a second chance at mending your marriage, and despite the clear and present danger of not only destroying your own marriage, but also the marriage of another woman, and relegating her children to a broken home. Because “Hey. I am what I am!”

A shade of Masochism / Submission Fetish – you know and admit that you are on an utterly self-destructive track. But you are going on with it, *almost daring Life.* And you seem to find a perverse pleasure in self-degradation (‘I know I am being an unpaid concubine, I know even the OM must see me that way, but that’s my choice.’).

*Narcissism, and Fatalism, and… … … …eventually: Cataclysm.*



The way you are going, when all of this blows up on your face (which it most likely will, and if not, *YOU will make sure it does*), you might want / attempt to end it all. That seems like the logical evolution of this delusional collision course.

And god forbid, if you make such an attempt, you also seem Narcissistic enough to expect your much-abused husband to be the one to stand by you and pick up the pieces. He is the designated martyr in this rather sad marital drama. And I wager he WILL stand by you. Such is Life. *Such is the providential punishment for basic goodness.*


Please go for full-spectrum counseling if that is feasible / affordable. Save yourself.

By doing that, you might even save your husband from this asphyxiating marriage (through divorce, or by creating a whole new marriage through Reconciliation, *if he is martyr enough for that*).



*P.S.:*


> quote from your post:
> _"Yet I wake up routinely and fantasize about working in some superficial job making three times what I do now and just living a totally hedonistic life. Working in a skyscraper, maybe. Wearing cute, expensive clothes and f***ing my boss on lunch breaks."_
> [UNQUOTE]
> 
> *1) 'working in a skyscraper' *- aspiration. Positive trait.
> 
> *2) 'earning 3 times more' *- ambition - great driver.
> 
> *3) 'wearing expensive clothes'* - desire - natural.
> 
> *4) '... ...and f***ing my boss on lunch breaks.'* - ??????
> 
> 
> *By the way, if you are ready for 4, then 2 and 3 will automatically follow, and 1 might become irrelevant. You just need to transition from amateur to professional.*


----------



## empty3

Stuck,

I've been there. 

I understand totally. 

It's intense, pulling you like a magnet. It provides a convenient distraction and means you do not have to deal with the real problems. Every time you panic he is your "happy place".

It's hard and heartwrenching but you need to stop this affair now and start NC immediately. You are only getting more and more attached to the AP everyday. I hear you say you are "getting what you need too". Is this true? Is there any hope he'll leave his wife and family for you as you know, as does everyone else, this is not a reality.

Seriously, quit your job, go cold turkey and go and sit in an ashram somewhere where you can heal away from all temptations.

There is a way out Please take it.


----------



## Headspin

Well a very unusual thread even for here.

I could just start shouting at you for the obvious but I won't do that as it'll not in any way dent that 2 foot thick elephant hide that you are able to put up around you when your need it.

Much of what you say in your last post resonates into me as you are mentally where my stbxw is, was, has actually always been.

You have deep issues and as a mental health industry professional you already know that. 

Here's the sad thing though it took me many many years to realize my wife, although seriously mentally damaged and filled of the void of emptiness that you, like her, exist in, _was simply a black hearted person_. but clever enough like you to manipulate her persona so that the face she presents to the world meant real people could never in a million years see the real her.

It's no coincidence that my stbxw is in fact a very talented semi professional actress but the truth is - her whole life is an act. Just like you. The need to hide away her inner emptiness rage anger ultimately silence at the world is so all encompassing, she has never had to even try, it oozes out of her. It is almost a schizophrenic state of affairs - almost but not quite. 

This is no accusation - it's an observation. I don't know you and I have no axe to grind. One thing I've always picked up on in wayward spouses is that there is a sense of loss of control that before they can put the brakes on it's already running too fast. That does not excuse it as there are always other methods of stopping the runaway truck that is an affair. They still ignore the choices they have to halt it. 

But rarely, like in my wife's case, and you, they are obviously in complete control but just making slowly deliberate willful choices knowing the full scope of pain and suffering that will result upon 'supposedly' loved ones and of course other families.
As I've said about my wife "fkme if you were a 'proper professional criminal, as we know it, you'd have been murdering or raping people with not a hint of conscience - none at all. How scary is that. 

You like my wife are clearly in a lot of inner pain. It's interesting that my wife doesn't use that excuse for her actions most of the time but annoyingly all her close friends and family fking use it for her! That's often how she gets off the hook, because they validate it all. "You poor love". Maybe you have toxic friends and family that do the same. Probably

All I have learned is that some people, very very few are at their inner core bad asses and even if you can lock horns with them are be avoided at all costs. They will kill you 

Even in the field of mental heath education and it's hundreds of divergent paths this thread should make people on here think and be massively alarmed. My stbxw and many people on here have / will be going to see 'professionals' for guidance and help and Jesus wept they could get you helping them!!

I'm euphoric at having got a person like you out of my life - personally for me but sadly I will always have to deal with her because of my children 

There are many bad words I could have flung at you but you don't deserve them - you are way beyond any of that.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

JMGrey said:


> ...
> It is not an exaggeration to submit that you're a person of low character, made all the more disturbing by the fact that your job is trying to help others with the mental and emotional help.


This is plain BS.

The OP has the guts, to post her story, the professional knowledge to see what is happening, and somehow wants to get out of the situation. Seeks help for that. 

Everbody on these forums being harsh on the infidelities of others should know they really are not better than the cheaters.

Everybody can be a cheater. It's laughable to assume one is immune to such a situation.

So, OP, I give you credit for seeking a solution, whatever that may be.

I would advise to get your head out of the so called FOG, to be able to think clearly. For that you will have to follow the advise posters here can give you. Just state your goal, they will come up with the actions you can take. Don't argue about the actions, people here have loads of experience.

Good luck, be strong.


----------



## Headspin

See_Listen_Love said:


> This is plain BS.
> The OP has the guts, to post her story, the professional knowledge to see what is happening, and somehow wants to get out of the situation. Seeks help for that.


 Fair enough



See_Listen_Love said:


> Everbody on these forums being harsh on the infidelities of others should know they really are not better than the cheaters.


Eh. What on earth are you talking about. This website is full of people who have chosen a better way.
Many have no doubt been tempted but had the inner strength of character to to _the right thing_
not the wrong thing which is far easier and more cowardly to do. 

'Someone who does not cheat is no better than someone who does'
For Christ sakes 



See_Listen_Love said:


> Everybody can be a cheater. It's laughable to assume one is immune to such a situation.


Everyone can in theory but the fact is that some find it far easier than others

__________

With respect -have you ever experienced the depth and breadth of infidelity and cheating on the scale this opening poster admits too?


----------



## empty3

Headspin,

At risk of being annihilated by you I feel an urge to respond to you.

I feel as if you're simplifying things beyond what is reasonable. I am sorry you have been obviously deeply hurt and betrayed (and your post is understandbly seething) but there are so many variables involved with WHY the affair continues despite the WS being in control and being able to "halt it".

I'm wondering if you agree with the following points (please note, I am by NO way excusing the behaviour of a person who cheats, I am merely trying to apply some understanding to why these things happen. It can't be as simple as that person having a black heart)

A person's infidelity (emotional or physical) CAN be attributed to the following:

1. There is a void in that person's life. 
2. That "void" is being filled by someone outside of their marriage
3. They feel helpless and seek comfort elsewhere
4. They ENJOY the initial stages of the affair, imagining it to be something they can control

And 5, most importantly, I'm starting to believe that anyone who doesnt end an affair really doesnt want to. On some level a cost-benefit analysis has been done and they CHOOSE to stay in it.

Please see this post in the spirit it was posted in.


----------



## Headspin

empty3 said:


> Headspin,
> 
> At risk of being annihilated by you I feel an urge to respond to you.
> 
> I feel as if you're simplifying things beyond what is reasonable. I am sorry you have been obviously deeply hurt and betrayed (and your post is understandbly seething) but there are so many variables involved with WHY the affair continues despite the WS being in control and being able to "halt it".
> 
> I'm wondering if you agree with the following points (please note, I am by NO way excusing the behaviour of a person who cheats, I am merely trying to apply some understanding to why these things happen. It can't be as simple as that person having a black heart)
> 
> A person's infidelity (emotional or physical) CAN be attributed to the following:
> 
> 1. There is a void in that person's life.
> 2. That "void" is being filled by someone outside of their marriage
> 3. They feel helpless and seek comfort elsewhere
> 4. They ENJOY the initial stages of the affair, imagining it to be something they can control
> 
> And 5, most importantly, I'm starting to believe that anyone who doesnt end an affair really doesnt want to. On some level a cost-benefit analysis has been done and they CHOOSE to stay in it.
> 
> Please see this post in the spirit it was posted in.


Respect

I appreciate your 'feel' for this but as somebody who has lived this lived on the end of the piece of string thrown around for years on end by somebody exactly like this I'm afraid there is a more simplistic view that prevails for people like me.

Problem here is that you can 'attribute' a persons bad actions to anything you want , it can be a thousand things but in the final analysis if it simply results in the mass destruction to all and sundry around them time and again then who cares about what the 'legitimate' reasons are. They need to be left to wallow in their whatever they are wallowing in.

Then sympathy can go to hell. You can only support someone so long and then what? lets all sit there and keep holding/propping them up because of their mental issues that have 'caused' it all

Like any addiction you cannot actually cure something where some body will not cure themselves.

At some point they and their army of 'supporters' have to STOP. 
Have to look at them and say "actually fk this this is YOU" "fk all that talk about emotional needs and voids and inner mental emptiness and the rightmedication and therapy and counselors .... and .... and ..... er .......well actually this is you - THIS IS YOU being an evil nasty selfish entitled B****RD. That's the truth 

I've lived with someone like this who never actually was made to look at herself - who nomatter what her issues were, she could always have turned in and looked in the mirror and thought 'right what about you? are YOU responsible just you on your own with your own choices? Are YOU a good person or not ? 

I'm beginning to think that more people who commit adultery, who will not stop, simply choose to not change and I have arrived at a point where sympathy is low.

I completely see your points but the last one is for me the most telling 

CHOICE 

If one is not mentally stable enough to control any of this then that is a different form of more serious illness that is for another thread or forum

But these people, the waywards, are in no way afflicted to that extent that they cannot make choices. As I have pointed out in other threads mental issues can put you on a pathway to somewhere but when faced with the ultimate decision to go onwards ie at the 'crossroads' - "its now or never - the other man or my husband" that is a free thinking choice that they are fully in control of knowing the full consequences of the impact on children men woman and families.


----------



## Mavash.

The odds of anyone here talking you out of this is about the same as trying to talk someone out of their heroin addiction via the Internet.

Ain't gonna happen. This man is your drug of choice and you're too addicted to give him up.


----------



## Shaggy

See_Listen_Love said:


> This is plain BS.
> 
> The OP has the guts, to post her story, the professional knowledge to see what is happening, and somehow wants to get out of the situation. Seeks help for that.
> 
> Everbody on these forums being harsh on the infidelities of others should know they really are not better than the cheaters.
> 
> Everybody can be a cheater. It's laughable to assume one is immune to such a situation.
> 
> So, OP, I give you credit for seeking a solution, whatever that may be.
> 
> I would advise to get your head out of the so called FOG, to be able to think clearly. For that you will have to follow the advise posters here can give you. Just state your goal, they will come up with the actions you can take. Don't argue about the actions, people here have loads of experience.
> 
> Good luck, be strong.


She's not seeking a solution. She's using the discussion to assuage her guilt by appearing to try to stop.

Thing is she isn't actually doing anything to stop.

She's be away from work this past week and she spent all that time feeding the addiction by texting the OM about all the kinky things she's going to give to him this week as soon as she can.

See the thing with addicts is they constantly use games like talking to therapists, or diaries outlining plans to change as ways of deferring actually changing. It gives them something to point to where they can say "see, I'm a good person and I was trying to stop".

The truth is that they aren't actually stopping or intending to stop. Posting here is a negotiation tactic with herself. It enables her to say she has a plan, while she continues right along with the cheating and in fact she is no doubt escalating what she is doing with the OM, because she's got to keep driving it higher to get the same rush.

The first time they had PIV sex it was one thing, but that would have lost its newness and taboo. So they will ave escalated to nastier stuff, anal? Bondage? Humiliation? Soon they will be seeking out another girl for a threesome.

OM may have her go pickup a guy and have sex with him. The OM doesn't care about her or feel protective of her. To him, she's just a stupid married woman who's got no morals and will do what he wants. She has no real value because the OM looks at her an sees a woman who so easily cheats with him. He's not attracted to her character or her as a person. She's a prostitute who gives it away for free. 

The minute she starts to cost the OM something, like his wife catching him, she will find herself thrown under the bus without hesitation.

But back to her supposedly seeking help. No, what she is currently doing here is using TAM to defer seeking help and defer actually ending the cheating.

She's also using us to ratchet up the excitement of her cheating. She's now told all of us nice people and got herself a sympathy squad. So now when she chooses to cheat, there is even more excitement around it because not only is it taboo, but now there is the added drama of TAM mixed in.

The best thing her husband could do is to discover it and blow her and the OM out of the water.

The thing is the longer she continues, the nastier and kinkier she is for the OM, the less her husband is going to want her back. There is a line where the husband will see her with revulsion and know that she never has and never will put that effort into him, and he will never accept her back when she's crossed that line. I fear she's very possibly gone there already. 

If she really want to stop it, the path is easy and effective. She just has to say to her husband "I never stopped my affair at work, and I've been having kinky sex constantly all along."

That one sentence will end her cheating, but she won't do it. Not because she's addicted, but because she is being cowardly because she knows it will end her affair. The addiction doesn't control her mouth or words. Her addiction gives her hope for another high from cheating. So she chooses not to stop.

See, she is very much in control. She is simply choosing the cheating. 

She could be putting this same level of effort into sex with her husband and getting great feelings and happy brain chemicals, but she chooses not to.

She could set her husband free to be with someone who valued him, but she chooses not to.

She is very much in charge and is making the choices here, but she chooses what she is doing over all the other options.

Edit: btw, I do not mean any of the above as an attack upon her. It is very simply an attempt to peel back the layers of misdirection and excuses. She can change it all with one sentence and she can do it as soon as she reads this. It really is just a simple as choosing to.


----------



## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> She's not seeking a solution. She's using the discussion to assuage her guilt by appearing to try to stop.
> 
> Thing is she isn't actually doing anything to stop.
> 
> She's be away from work this past week and she spent all that time feeding the addiction by texting the OM about all the kinky things she's going to give to him this week as soon as she can.
> 
> See the thing with addicts is they constantly use games like talking to therapists, or diaries outlining plans to change as ways of deferring actually changing. It gives them something to point to where they can say "see, I'm a good person and I was trying to stop".
> I do hope she isn't here to sort if boast about her affair.
> The truth is that they aren't actually stopping or intending to stop. Posting here is a negotiation tactic with herself. It enables her to say she has a plan, while she continues right along with the cheating and in fact she is no doubt escalating what she is doing with the OM, because she's got to keep driving it higher to get the same rush.
> 
> The first time they had PIV sex it was one thing, but that would have lost its newness and taboo. So they will ave escalated to nastier stuff, anal? Bondage? Humiliation? Soon they will be seeking out another girl for a threesome.
> 
> OM may have her go pickup a guy and have sex with him. The OM doesn't care about her or feel protective of her. To him, she's just a stupid married woman who's got no morals and will do what he wants. She has no real value because the OM looks at her an sees a woman who so easily cheats with him. He's not attracted to her character or her as a person. She's a prostitute who gives it away for free.
> 
> The minute she starts to cost the OM something, like his wife catching him, she will find herself thrown under the bus without hesitation.
> 
> But back to her supposedly seeking help. No, what she is currently doing here is using TAM to defer seeking help and defer actually ending the cheating.
> 
> She's also using us to ratchet up the excitement of her cheating. She's now told all of us nice people and got herself a sympathy squad. So now when she chooses to cheat, there is even more excitement around it because not only is it taboo, but now there is the added drama of TAM mixed in.
> 
> The best thing her husband could do is to discover it and blow her and the OM out of the water.
> 
> The thing is the longer she continues, the nastier and kinkier she is for the OM, the less her husband is going to want her back. There is a line where the husband will see her with revulsion and know that she never has and never will put that effort into him, and he will never accept her back when she's crossed that line. I fear she's very possibly gone there already.
> 
> If she really want to stop it, the path is easy and effective. She just has to say to her husband "I never stopped my affair at work, and I've been having kinky sex constantly all along."
> 
> That one sentence will end her cheating, but she won't do it. Not because she's addicted, but because she is being cowardly because she knows it will end her affair. The addiction doesn't control her mouth or words. Her addiction gives her hope for another high from cheating. So she chooses not to stop.
> 
> See, she is very much in control. She is simply choosing the cheating.
> 
> She could be putting this same level of effort into sex with her husband and getting great feelings and happy brain chemicals, but she chooses not to.
> 
> She could set her husband free to be with someone who valued him, but she chooses not to.
> 
> She is very much in charge and is making the choices here, but she chooses what she is doing over all the other options.
> 
> Edit: btw, I do not mean any of the above as an attack upon her. It is very simply an attempt to peel back the layers of misdirection and excuses. She can change it all with one sentence and she can do it as soon as she reads this. It really is just a simple as choosing to.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SaltInWound

If she really wanted to end this, she would have taken my advice and told the OM she was pregnant. I'm sure she has not done that yet. She is not stuck. The word "stuck" is not part of this scenario. Tell him there is a baby and he will drop her like a hot potato.


----------



## JMGrey

See_Listen_Love said:


> This is plain BS.
> 
> The OP has the guts, to post her story, the professional knowledge to see what is happening, and somehow wants to get out of the situation. Seeks help for that.


If I saw an ounce of actual remorse, I might be inclined to be a little more understanding but there's none of that in her post. She doesn't even bother to rationalize her egregious behavior with an emotional connection to the OM. That may be the truth but does anyone here, accepting that a committed and adult relationship cannot be had without emotion, find less horror in that truth? In the assessment of a crime, and infidelity is one whether practically litigious or no, honesty is certainly important. Not for the mitigation of culpability, as you seem to suggest, but in the formulation of *just punitive response.*



See_Listen_Love said:


> Everbody on these forums being harsh on the infidelities of others should know they really are not better than the cheaters.


I'm fairly certain that's _precisely_ what it means, since it's the difference between a good person and a bad person. Each person is born with flaws, and weaknesses to particular temptations. The theological term is concupiscence. What people can't seem to grasp is that what defines you as a good or bad person is how we choose to cope with those weaknesses. They believe that goodness or badness is innate, something immutably constant, which is both ludicrous and convenient because it absolves them of any pains of conscience. If they believe themselves innately good, then their infidelity was a "mistake" or a "matter of circumstance". If they believe themselves innately bad, then their selfishness is merely a reflection of their unchangeable nature. Such notions are bullsh!t, front to back. The OP, at this moment, presents herself as a terrible person, interested only in her sexual gratification and utterly disinterested in any semblance of equity or charity to her spouse, or respect for the vows she made in marriage. This depth of disorder is compounded by the fact that she, as a "mental health professional", has afforded herself an espoused status as an authority of socially sound behavior.

There is *nothing* preventing the OP from being a good person, except for her own selfishness, her willingness to place her pleasure above the happiness of the person whom she avowed to put first in her life, even before herself.



See_Listen_Love said:


> Everybody can be a cheater. It's laughable to assume one is immune to such a situation.


Some people are immune to it. You probably never hear from them because infidelity never touches their lives. Remember, at least a significant percentage of marriages are never faced with the horror of adultery throughout the lifetime of both spouses. So, it must be assumed that some people do in fact lack that particular weakness.


----------



## InlandTXMM

JMGrey, an epic read. Thank you.


----------



## AnnieAsh

Stuck, I'm Annie and I am a WW. You know what you need to do, honey. You need to excise om from your life. Easier said than done, right? When you hear his voice or his ringtone, all your good intentions go out the window. Or you think, this is the LAST time. No more! But the next time you are alone, you seek him out. 

I don't think you're a bad person. I think you've messed up MONUMENTALLY. Do you want to spend your life being someone who crushed other people's feelings for your own gratification? I know you don't.


----------



## JMGrey

InlandTXMM said:


> JMGrey, an epic read. Thank you.


Thanks, mate.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Machiavelli said:


> See, you really are an addict. You have to quit the crackhouse. That would be your job.



I would have to agree, this is the solution to your problems.

You have already ruined your husband's and the other woman's life. Contact the other woman and tell her you have been coital with her husband.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

JMGrey said:


> If I saw an ounce of actual remorse, I might be inclined to be a little more understanding but there's none of that in her post. She doesn't even bother to rationalize her egregious behavior with an emotional connection to the OM. That may be the truth but does anyone here, accepting that a committed and adult relationship cannot be had without emotion, find less horror in that truth? In the assessment of a crime, and infidelity is one whether practically litigious or no, honesty is certainly important. Not for the mitigation of culpability, as you seem to suggest, but in the formulation of *just punitive response.*
> 
> 
> 
> I'm fairly certain that's _precisely_ what it means, since it's the difference between a good person and a bad person. Each person is born with flaws, and weaknesses to particular temptations. The theological term is concupiscence. What people can't seem to grasp is that what defines you as a good or bad person is how we choose to cope with those weaknesses. They believe that goodness or badness is innate, something immutably constant, which is both ludicrous and convenient because it absolves them of any pains of conscience. If they believe themselves innately good, then their infidelity was a "mistake" or a "matter of circumstance". If they believe themselves innately bad, then their selfishness is merely a reflection of their unchangeable nature. Such notions are bullsh!t, front to back. The OP, at this moment, presents herself as a terrible person, interested only in her sexual gratification and utterly disinterested in any semblance of equity or charity to her spouse, or respect for the vows she made in marriage. This depth of disorder is compounded by the fact that she, as a "mental health professional", has afforded herself an espoused status as an authority of socially sound behavior.
> 
> There is *nothing* preventing the OP from being a good person, except for her own selfishness, her willingness to place her pleasure above the happiness of the person whom she avowed to put first in her life, even before herself.
> 
> 
> 
> Some people are immune to it. You probably never hear from them because infidelity never touches their lives. Remember, at least a significant percentage of marriages are never faced with the horror of adultery throughout the lifetime of both spouses. So, it must be assumed that some people do in fact lack that particular weakness.



Speaking on theological terms, sinderesis, desensitization of the conscious, dulling the affect of any remorse, regret, or need to act for reparation.


----------



## JMGrey

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Speaking on theological terms, sinderesis, desensitization of the conscious, dulling the affect of any remorse, regret, or need to act for reparation.


At times I've wondered how sinderesis, as explored by St. Germain in _Doctor and Student_, was reconciled with the total depravity espoused in Anglicanism. Was the former viewed merely as a potentiality or in the abstract, or was the contention that this faculty could only be properly cultivated in the exercise of the Christian religion as he understood it, and in conjunction with the resultant grace?

/threadjack


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

JMGrey said:


> At times I've wondered how sinderesis, as explored by St. Germain in _Doctor and Student_, was reconciled with the total depravity espoused in Anglicanism. Was the former viewed merely as a potentiality or in the abstract, or was the contention that this faculty could only be properly cultivated in the exercise of the Christian religion as he understood it, and in conjunction with the resultant grace?
> 
> /threadjack


Tangent: 
JM, saying that I am far from a theologian and ignorant in the studies you mentioned is an understatement, but IMHO "proper" cultivation can probably be attained, to a certain limit without Christianity (Catholic).


Back to topic:

An addiction generally has the same chemical affect on the mind. Dopamine loves novelty. A way to kill the addiction is to quit "cold turkey" and go through withdrawal. The lack of acting through the addiction will provide more control and judgement over a similar future situation.

Check this site out: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

All limbic systems are similar and in this case works similar to the rats in the experiment. New sexual partner, novelty, faster release, less "boredom".


----------



## Chaparral

We all know its "add!cktive" but the bottom line is you are just immoral. The good news is you have a lot of company and you shouldn't be lonely. You will be able to find all the partners you want on the internet............. millions,............once your husband has given up and left.


----------



## AnnieAsh

Lovely and helpful, Chapparal. Really.

Stuck, come back!


----------



## Stuck8686

Well, I'm back, because like I said, I have come here to try to find some kind of guidance to end this. I'm recognizing you guys are tough and amidst all the language and character assassination, I recognize I get the language I deserve and on some level, it's also what I came here for. Wasn't expecting pity or soothing. 

And the honesty of today will be no surprise to those of you who predicted my future. I neither told my husband nor ended it with OM. Nothing progressed one way or the other. I could lie and say I made the right choice and went NC, quit my job, etc. That would be a waste of everyone's time as it would just be a way for me to lie, deny and placate my issues in an anonymous forum. I figure I'm doing enough of that in my day-to-day life.

I also don't want to get into a position to defend myself here because I know it's not the place and I don't want to come off as making excuses or trying to justify anything. In fact, I agree with most of what everyone said here. *Except* that I don't think, at my core, I am an immoral or irreversibly mentally ill person...and I feel it's particularly important to say that to anyone who has been on the other side and has dismissed their ex's as evil or heartless. I'm not going to defend my actions but I certainly want to highlight that I don't think cheating, alone, can dictate the depths of someone's character (Go ahead, commence agree to disagree). YES I know I have hurt people and even though OM's wife and children don't know at this stage, I feel AWFUL that on a spiritual level I have really aggressively hurt them and stolen from them. I feel AWFUL that I have abused my husband. ABUSED him, a man who said to me a few days ago, "I just get sick of being the nice guy who gets f***ed over in the end." And here I am adding to that... and believe me, I HATE that I have done this. Not once, not twice, but deliberately, over and over. In my moments of sanity, of course I DO feel awful about it because this is not who I am. However, in those moments that I can't explain at all, everything goes out the window, and like I've said, everything I value goes with it. And it's f*cking scary and it's been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. YES, I make the choice. Obviously. No one is forcing me to do this. I am making the choice and I repeatedly, minute to minute, feel like I'm looking at a crossroads at the most critical moment in my life. I could choose: 
1) try to get back to the really good, healthy life that I was living 6 months ago, filled with healthy relationships and support and positive connection to my work, 
or 2) throw my hands up in the air, say I give up on everything, to include my marriage, my career, my friendships, my family, everything that I will lose over this one man (or string of men) who could give a sh*t about me and would use me for sex. 

I'm disturbed that there's ANY part of me that wants option 2. It's disgusting and I don't know why it is lurking in my mind like a poison. Who would want this? Who would want to choose relationships that hurt by definition and leave you alone? Yet I realize that right now, in my limbo, I am dragging my husband through this cesspool of self-examination, which is absolutely not fair to him. Believe me, he's too good of a man for this and it breaks my heart that he believes in me. 

Yet, I refuse to let this f***ing define me as a person, although it is quick to happen on these discussion boards. That's why I'm back though, because I want to highlight that just because I didn't do it today doesn't mean I give up. I do want to find the strength to quit this, really. Reading these posts have been helpful.

Thank you again for the time and challenging conversation. I will beat this, for those of you who don't believe I will do the right thing because I'm "immoral", "sociopathic", "evil" and "cruel," I want to prove you wrong. I wouldn't be here looking for any kind of discussion about my actions if I didn't have any conscience about it.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

If you can't confess verbally, write it down.

Put in for a transfer, quit your job. Even if you divorce you will be involved with a man who is married. There are plenty of single men out there that would like to be sexually involved with a divorcee for pleasure alone.

That lifestyle is not the richest but either way maybe it is best to be single for you to act upon your urges with other single lads.


----------



## aug

Stuck8686 said:


> Yet, *I refuse to let this f***ing define me as a person*, although it is quick to happen on these discussion boards. That's why I'm back though, because I want to highlight that just because I didn't do it today doesn't mean I give up. I do want to find the strength to quit this, really. Reading these posts have been helpful.


Too late. It's a part of you now.


----------



## alte Dame

3 children.

That defines you as a person.


----------



## old_soldier

empty3 said:


> Headspin,
> 
> At risk of being annihilated by you I feel an urge to respond to you.
> 
> I feel as if you're simplifying things beyond what is reasonable. I am sorry you have been obviously deeply hurt and betrayed (and your post is understandbly seething) but there are so many variables involved with WHY the affair continues despite the WS being in control and being able to "halt it".
> 
> I'm wondering if you agree with the following points (please note, I am by NO way excusing the behaviour of a person who cheats, I am merely trying to apply some understanding to why these things happen. *It can't be as simple as that person having a black heart)*A person's infidelity (emotional or physical) CAN be attributed to the following:
> 
> 1. There is a void in that person's life.
> 2. That "void" is being filled by someone outside of their marriage
> 3. They feel helpless and seek comfort elsewhere
> 4. They ENJOY the initial stages of the affair, imagining it to be something they can control
> 
> And 5, most importantly, I'm starting to believe that anyone who doesnt end an affair really doesnt want to. On some level a cost-benefit analysis has been done and they CHOOSE to stay in it.
> 
> Please see this post in the spirit it was posted in.


Oh yes it can, and as far as I'm concerned, the void in her life is a figiment of her over active imagination used to justify a cold, cruel act. 1,2, 3, and 4 are total excuses and are pure and total horse puckies.


----------



## JMGrey

aug said:


> Too late. It's a part of you now.


I'm forced to agree. In becoming a wife, she made a persistent compact, whether sacramental or merely social, by which she chose to define herself as the wife of one man, just as he avowed himself as the husband of one woman. 

Stuck, unless defined and understood beforehand as being different, the irrevocable promise of your emotional and physical fidelity was something that she understood and to which she agreed. That you broke this, ontologically, demands that there is a defect in you: either in your initial intent of the marriage, or in your willingness to discharge the marriage under the terms so avowed. If you do not think that your behavior with regard to your infidelity defines you, it becomes obvious where you rank your marriage in terms of your identity and priorities. But, by all means, prove us wrong.


----------



## skip76

Stuck8686 said:


> Well, I'm back, because like I said, I have come here to try to find some kind of guidance to end this. I'm recognizing you guys are tough and amidst all the language and character assassination, I recognize I get the language I deserve and on some level, it's also what I came here for. Wasn't expecting pity or soothing.
> 
> And the honesty of today will be no surprise to those of you who predicted my future. I neither told my husband nor ended it with OM. Nothing progressed one way or the other. I could lie and say I made the right choice and went NC, quit my job, etc. That would be a waste of everyone's time as it would just be a way for me to lie, deny and placate my issues in an anonymous forum. I figure I'm doing enough of that in my day-to-day life.
> 
> I also don't want to get into a position to defend myself here because I know it's not the place and I don't want to come off as making excuses or trying to justify anything. In fact, I agree with most of what everyone said here. *Except* that I don't think, at my core, I am an immoral or irreversibly mentally ill person...and I feel it's particularly important to say that to anyone who has been on the other side and has dismissed their ex's as evil or heartless. I'm not going to defend my actions but I certainly want to highlight that I don't think cheating, alone, can dictate the depths of someone's character (Go ahead, commence agree to disagree). YES I know I have hurt people and even though OM's wife and children don't know at this stage, I feel AWFUL that on a spiritual level I have really aggressively hurt them and stolen from them. I feel AWFUL that I have abused my husband. ABUSED him, a man who said to me a few days ago, "I just get sick of being the nice guy who gets f***ed over in the end." And here I am adding to that... and believe me, I HATE that I have done this. Not once, not twice, but deliberately, over and over. In my moments of sanity, of course I DO feel awful about it because this is not who I am. However, in those moments that I can't explain at all, everything goes out the window, and like I've said, everything I value goes with it. And it's f*cking scary and it's been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. YES, I make the choice. Obviously. No one is forcing me to do this. I am making the choice and I repeatedly, minute to minute, feel like I'm looking at a crossroads at the most critical moment in my life. I could choose:
> 1) try to get back to the really good, healthy life that I was living 6 months ago, filled with healthy relationships and support and positive connection to my work,
> or 2) throw my hands up in the air, say I give up on everything, to include my marriage, my career, my friendships, my family, everything that I will lose over this one man (or string of men) who could give a sh*t about me and would use me for sex.
> 
> I'm disturbed that there's ANY part of me that wants option 2. It's disgusting and I don't know why it is lurking in my mind like a poison. Who would want this? Who would want to choose relationships that hurt by definition and leave you alone? Yet I realize that right now, in my limbo, I am dragging my husband through this cesspool of self-examination, which is absolutely not fair to him. Believe me, he's too good of a man for this and it breaks my heart that he believes in me.
> 
> Yet, I refuse to let this f***ing define me as a person, although it is quick to happen on these discussion boards. That's why I'm back though, because I want to highlight that just because I didn't do it today doesn't mean I give up. I do want to find the strength to quit this, really. Reading these posts have been helpful.
> 
> Thank you again for the time and challenging conversation. I will beat this, for those of you who don't believe I will do the right thing because I'm "immoral", "sociopathic", "evil" and "cruel," I want to prove you wrong. I wouldn't be here looking for any kind of discussion about my actions if I didn't have any conscience about it.


That was beautiful. It would help me even more of you could describe what the differences are between you and a narcissist or sociopath. You being a professional and all I would like your viewpoint. And who is a narcissist and what so they do to become one. Who decides if one is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp

Stuck - This is not just all and only about you. You continue to abuse and play your husband as a total fool. It is so cruel what you are doing to your husband. Would you want your husband to do to you what you continue are doing to him?

At the very least write your husband a letter informing him of everything and allow him some dignity to be in a position where he may make a choice for himself instead of you playing him like a puppet. This is so sad. How can you do this to another human being who professes his love to you? How do you sleep at night?
What do you say back to your husband when he tells you he loves you?


----------



## walkonmars

No you didn't do it today. And that little voice that is screaming at you to do the right thing is not going to get louder tomorrow. Or make a better case tomorrow. 

In fact, tomorrow that voice will be a little less loud and not so insistent. The day after it will fade a little more. Soon that voice will fade completely and another voice will take it's place. The voice that gives you permission. The voice that tells you to stop wasting your time on TAM.


----------



## MattMatt

The problem is that people who are trained mental health practitioners often cannot see their own mental health issues.

They will even, sometimes, go to great lengths to blame transfer, and to blame outside forces, their wife/husband,etc., for their own internal problems.


----------



## bfree

Stuck8686 said:


> Well, I'm back, because like I said, I have come here to try to find some kind of guidance to end this. I'm recognizing you guys are tough and amidst all the language and character assassination, I recognize I get the language I deserve and on some level, it's also what I came here for. Wasn't expecting pity or soothing.
> 
> And the honesty of today will be no surprise to those of you who predicted my future. I neither told my husband nor ended it with OM. Nothing progressed one way or the other. I could lie and say I made the right choice and went NC, quit my job, etc. That would be a waste of everyone's time as it would just be a way for me to lie, deny and placate my issues in an anonymous forum. I figure I'm doing enough of that in my day-to-day life.
> 
> I also don't want to get into a position to defend myself here because I know it's not the place and I don't want to come off as making excuses or trying to justify anything. In fact, I agree with most of what everyone said here. *Except* that I don't think, at my core, I am an immoral or irreversibly mentally ill person...and I feel it's particularly important to say that to anyone who has been on the other side and has dismissed their ex's as evil or heartless. I'm not going to defend my actions but I certainly want to highlight that I don't think cheating, alone, can dictate the depths of someone's character (Go ahead, commence agree to disagree). YES I know I have hurt people and even though OM's wife and children don't know at this stage, I feel AWFUL that on a spiritual level I have really aggressively hurt them and stolen from them. I feel AWFUL that I have abused my husband. ABUSED him, a man who said to me a few days ago, "I just get sick of being the nice guy who gets f***ed over in the end." And here I am adding to that... and believe me, I HATE that I have done this. Not once, not twice, but deliberately, over and over. In my moments of sanity, of course I DO feel awful about it because this is not who I am. However, in those moments that I can't explain at all, everything goes out the window, and like I've said, everything I value goes with it. And it's f*cking scary and it's been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. YES, I make the choice. Obviously. No one is forcing me to do this. I am making the choice and I repeatedly, minute to minute, feel like I'm looking at a crossroads at the most critical moment in my life. I could choose:
> 1) try to get back to the really good, healthy life that I was living 6 months ago, filled with healthy relationships and support and positive connection to my work,
> or 2) throw my hands up in the air, say I give up on everything, to include my marriage, my career, my friendships, my family, everything that I will lose over this one man (or string of men) who could give a sh*t about me and would use me for sex.
> 
> I'm disturbed that there's ANY part of me that wants option 2. It's disgusting and I don't know why it is lurking in my mind like a poison. Who would want this? Who would want to choose relationships that hurt by definition and leave you alone? Yet I realize that right now, in my limbo, I am dragging my husband through this cesspool of self-examination, which is absolutely not fair to him. Believe me, he's too good of a man for this and it breaks my heart that he believes in me.
> 
> Yet, I refuse to let this f***ing define me as a person, although it is quick to happen on these discussion boards. That's why I'm back though, because I want to highlight that just because I didn't do it today doesn't mean I give up. I do want to find the strength to quit this, really. Reading these posts have been helpful.
> 
> Thank you again for the time and challenging conversation. I will beat this, for those of you who don't believe I will do the right thing because I'm "immoral", "sociopathic", "evil" and "cruel," I want to prove you wrong. I wouldn't be here looking for any kind of discussion about my actions if I didn't have any conscience about it.


I'm not going to bash you or tell you what you need to do. You already know. You are hurting those you love and you are hurting yourself. I have seen many former WS here on TAM that I didn't think could or would do the right thing or be able to stay on the right path. But they did and now they are struggling happily. That might sound strange when you first read it but if you think about it you'll know exactly what I mean. All you need to do is say to yourself I'm going to do the right thing today. Take that first step. Then when tomorrow comes you say I'm going to do the right thing today. A second step in the right path. You can do it if you try.

Here is another suggestion. Keep a journal of your progress. Every temptation that you overcome. Every time you falter. Then as you progress look back and draw strength from your successes and admit that you might have been weak but that is the past and you are going to do the right thing....today.


----------



## bfree

MattMatt said:


> The problem is that people who are trained mental health practitioners often cannot see their own mental health issues.
> 
> They will even, sometimes, go to great lengths to blame transfer, and to blame outside forces, their wife/husband,etc., for their own internal problems.


Maybe its because they are trained to detach. They have to remove their emotions from their work so they don't get drawn in to every issue and problem their clients have. Unfortunately I think it also trains them to detach from their own problems and issues. It also reinforces compartmentalization way too much.


----------



## StillLife

Stuck, my wife has cheated on me twice in the last 8 months. Her first affair was online with a married man and she knew his wife, they all played this game together. I can't tell you the immeasurable agony this stuff causes loved ones. I exposed the first affair to his wife, and I know it caused her tremendous pain too.

I honestly respect that you're here, confessing. That shows you have a conscious if you ask me, otherwise you'd have no reason to be here. I think it's easy, when you've been the "victim" of someone who is capable of causing you profound devastation, to dehumanize and demonize a person capable of such a feat. I know because I did it once. But the reality is, you're just a lost little human, feeding off something that's giving you a *temporary* high. But you have to stop this. You have to do the right thing now and limit the damage to your husband, this man's wife, his children, and equally as important, yourself. 

How are you going to respect yourself after this Stuck? For momentary gratification, to fill a void and hide from your problems, you're risking the livelihood of multiple people including the man that loves you and has stuck by you, has depended upon you to have his back in this world. 

It's going to take years for everyone involved to recover at this point, save the human garbage you're giving your body over to repeatedly. Is that what you want, to reward a man in the most profound way who is capable of this while making your unsuspecting husband a pathetic cuckold who's wife gets used by random men for sexual gratification? Does he deserve that? Do you?

Recognize what you're going through first and foremost. You ARE an addict. Others have outlined that much better than I have. You are destroying your life for a quick thrill, and hiding the shame and pain you feel in it through even more of the same addiction. You are in what I know to be a very tangible thing which gets dubbed around these parts as the affair fog. I've seen my wife in it...twice, and I've seen when she's come out of it. Hell, I've been in it. I had an EA with a coworker which led to a kiss. Fortunately I realized it wasn't something I could do at that point, but I never imagined I would have even been capable of getting there in the first place.

Looking back far removed from the fog? I'm grossed out I even got involved with the woman it happened with on that level. And you will too, but it's time to wake up now.

Here's what I suggest, and realize it's going to be hard and scary, but it's the only way you have a shot of doing some damage control.

1) Tell your husband about it. Everything if he asks. Don't minimize or lie at all to him as that just makes it worse for you both. Plus he deserves a chance to decide if he wants to stick around through this illness you have.

2) Expose the affair to the OM's wife, or let your husband do it. She deserves to know what she's married to as well, and make a conscious decision about how to handle it.

3) You have tainted the waters of your workplace with this poison and unfortunately, I have to agree with the others that it's time to start looking for a job. When you're over this or when he dumps you, gets bored, and finds another easy piece of ***, it will probably make you even more miserable having to be around this guy regularly.

4) Start no contact now. Do not answer his texts or calls. In fact, if you started step 1, you should let your husband just safeguard the phone for a while. 

We're telling you to give up everything that you think is making you feel good right now, I get that. But listen to what you said about wanting to go back six months. You got yourself into a dark mess here that is making you feel horrible. And it's only going to continue as long as you do. 

Good luck, stay strong. You can do this!


----------



## ing

When I first saw this thread I thought it was my ExW. She said almost exaclty the same things.
It was my instinct to save her. As it had always been.
Then one day many years ago the penny dropped and to be honest I started to wonder about her, started to run little tests.

Would she come to me if I didn't go to her?
Would she notice if I no longer held her?

The answer was no. I didn't want to believe it, so I tried harder. I turned myself inside out to make her love me. To show a love I believed was in her.


Then there was the affair. Her addiction her contempt, her complete disregard for her children s future. 

Something snapped inside me. I was no longer hers, no longer a shadow.

She would attempt NC, try and get back with me. Go to church[she is not religious] wring her hands about wanting to be a good person, not being a martyr, and then meet up with OM,and be deliriously happy. 

Another few months would go by and round she would go again. Each time more destroyed than the last. Each time more of a shell of her former self. each time 

I listened to her say the same things your saying here, and with every word she said my heart hardened. 
Now she is gone from my life. I do not speak to her. Her daughter does not speak to her. It is her life. One she chose, over and over again.





Say goodbye to your husband, he may have gone already.


----------



## MattMatt

_*Stuck, I want you to think very, very carefully about this question...*_

*Are you here to confess... or are you here to boast?*


----------



## Stuck8686

I am not here to boast. I would not wish this on anyone, nor do I think it's something worth boasting about. I'm here because I don't have anywhere else to speak this candidly about what I'm going through. My 1 hour of IC a week doesn't exactly cut it for the remainder of the week.

I realize that speaking openly about this also welcomes everyone to speak openly back.


----------



## cledus_snow

i suppose that you are gonna give us daily updates on your fight to end the affair, all the while continuing to be knee-deep in it.

you know perfectly well what needs to be done and how to put an end to all this. i'm not gonna repeat myself, or give you "attention" you desire from others like this OM.


i'm out.


----------



## MattMatt

Stuck8686 said:


> I am not here to boast. I would not wish this on anyone, nor do I think it's something worth boasting about. I'm here because I don't have anywhere else to speak this candidly about what I'm going through. My 1 hour of IC a week doesn't exactly cut it for the remainder of the week.
> 
> I realize that speaking openly about this also welcomes everyone to speak openly back.


But I am getting too much of a: "Oh my word! OM is/was fantastic!" vibe from your posts.

You really *are* addicted to him or the affair sex, aren't you? 

Have you looked at NLP techniques to try to break this addiction?


----------



## ing

Bob Newhart-Stop It - YouTube


----------



## walkonmars

If you can't find the courage then ask your IC to call your manager and make a confession on your behalf.


----------



## MattMatt

walkonmars said:


> If you can't find the courage then ask your IC to call your manager and make a confession on your behalf.


That's why you have support systems in the workplace?


----------



## btdt

Stuck8686 said:


> No one is forcing me to do this. I am making the choice and I repeatedly, minute to minute, feel like I'm looking at a crossroads at the most critical moment in my life. I could choose:
> 1) try to get back to the really good, healthy life that I was living 6 months ago, filled with healthy relationships and support and positive connection to my work,
> or 2) throw my hands up in the air, say I give up on everything, to include my marriage, my career, my friendships, my family, everything that I will lose over this one man (or string of men) who could give a sh*t about me and would use me for sex.


Chances are you aren't going to have the option to make this choice. Choice 2 is going to be forced upon you; you simply don't realize it yet. It's only a matter of time before all of this comes to light. When it does, it will be your husband and employer making these choices not you.

I also see another woman in your husband's future. It may be that he divorces immediately you and finds someone else. Perhaps you reconcile for now, but the next time he faces temptation he's probably not going to say "No." Maybe you stay married for 20 years until he replaces you with a younger, prettier women. Make no mistake, your current actions will have reprocussions that you can't even begin to foresee.


----------



## Headspin

Stuck8686 said:


> ...
> I also don't want to get into a position to defend myself here because I know it's not the place and I don't want to come off as making excuses or trying to justify anything. In fact, I agree with most of what everyone said here. *Except* that I don't think, at my core, I am an immoral or irreversibly mentally ill person...and I feel it's particularly important to say that to anyone who has been on the other side and has dismissed their ex's as evil or heartless.


Important for who? What do you base your vision of morality on then?



Stuck8686 said:


> In my moments of sanity, of course I DO feel awful about it because this is not who I am. However, in those moments that I can't explain at all, everything goes out the window, and like I've said, everything I value goes with it.


You're saying then that whilst in the bliss of the OM you not 'sane' that it is all beyond your control?



Stuck8686 said:


> And it's f*cking scary and it's been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. YES, I make the choice. Obviously. No one is forcing me to do this. I am making the choice and I repeatedly, minute to minute, feel like I'm looking at a crossroads at the most critical moment in my life.


There's that word again *CHOICE.* Cold light of day we all have it. I'm realizing now after years of this in my experience and moreover a year of looking at the horrific stories on this site that if there is one pivotal life changing word I'd etch on the gravestone of every cheater it's 'She/He had a choice'



Stuck8686 said:


> I could choose:
> 1) try to get back to the really good, healthy life that I was living 6 months ago, filled with healthy relationships and support and positive connection to my work,
> 
> or 2) throw my hands up in the air, say I give up on everything, to include my marriage, my career, my friendships, my family, everything that I will lose over this one man (or string of men) who could give a sh*t about me and would use me for sex.
> 
> I'm disturbed that there's ANY part of me that wants option 2. It's disgusting and I don't know why it is lurking in my mind like a poison. Who would want this? Who would want to choose relationships that hurt by definition and leave you alone?


 I think in your unreality world you will find that this particular choice will soon be beyond your control



Stuck8686 said:


> Yet I realize that right now, in my limbo, I am dragging my husband through this cesspool of self-examination, which is absolutely not fair to him. Believe me, he's too good of a man for this and it breaks my heart that he believes in me


See you throw these comments about "it breaks my heart" that phrase is just wrong for YOU to use You'll soon see what a broken heart looks like when you husband gets the full horror of it all. You have little idea of how for you a heart breaks properly but you will soon realize what somebody else's looks like especially when they are little and they call you mum.



Stuck8686 said:


> Yet, I refuse to let this f***ing define me as a person, although it is quick to happen on these discussion boards.


That's gone, you're no longer in a position to refuse this. This is well beyond your grasp now - *you ARE defined by this*. If you're husband divorces you and you get to speak a few amicable words with him down the line and you ask him what he thought defined you in his obliterated marriage. Do you think for a moment he'll remember you walking hand in hand along a beach lovestruck before you had kids or some other wonderful memory, one that used to be a real one before it became tarnished with the lie that he used to think was a great marriage 



Stuck8686 said:


> That's why I'm back though, because I want to highlight that just because I didn't do it today doesn't mean I give up. I do want to find the strength to quit this, really. Reading these posts have been helpful.


How? you've done nothing different to illustrate a renewed response to your situation. Looks like it hasn't helped being on her at all. 



Stuck8686 said:


> Thank you again for the time and challenging conversation. I will beat this, for those of you who don't believe I will do the right thing because I'm "immoral", "sociopathic", "evil" and "cruel," I want to prove you wrong. I wouldn't be here looking for any kind of discussion about my actions if I didn't have any conscience about it.


You won't beat it. It has already beaten you. It just the consequences now and sadly, infuriatingly what you will be in control of for a time anyway is how much more you CHOOSE to hurt your husband by trickle truthing him and crushing more of the life out of him than you already will have done to that point. 

You already know from being here just how cruel and evil that will be don't you ? so will you make the right choice about that as well 

I doubt it


----------



## Shaggy

You know the difference between a bad person and a good person?

It's the choices they make.

Good people choose to protect the ones that trust and love them.

Bad people don't.

Right now you frankly are making the choices of a bad person.

You had sex with OM today I assume? Hopefully even you are above going home and letting your husband touch you when you're still carrying the OM in you?

You are the boss here. You get to choose what you do. In the next five minutes you can begin being a good person. You just have to choose it and do it.


----------



## helolover

OP, Truth. 
Start today.
Do it.
I can see it's on the tip of your tongue. Write a letter if you have to.
I've been on the receiving end of lies. I wish I would have just received the ugly truth.
You can do this.


----------



## Headspin

b.blue said:


> ouh you speaking here? you want this person listening to you


Look we may not agree with a lot of things in this thread but what, if anything, are you contributing in this thread


----------



## SolidSnake

b.blue said:


> this woman is the waorse example as a thread starter telling her stories about how addicted herself to the scumbagg and you all keeps advising her open your eyes. you know this woman will meet the scumbagg and **** him for the last time maybe but again she will continue to sleep again with this bad evil son of a ***** and she will expose her story so that people will know how the betrayed husband is nothing in love or power, what a shame creature she is even every curse on this world shuld fall on her


First off, you need to be respectful of other posters even if you don't agree with them. You will likely be banned from this forum if you continue your disrespectful treatment of the OP. 

Second, you might try using capital letters when you begin sentences and periods when you end them. Your whole post is like one big profane run-on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Stuck8686 said:


> Yet I realize that right now, in my limbo, I am dragging my husband through this cesspool of self-examination, which is absolutely not fair to him.


You are not doing any kind of self examination girl, you are not clearing your mind nor "finding yourself", you are consumed by lust and rationalizating, otherwise the look in the mirror is ugly. That's all and it's ridiculous



> Yet, I refuse to let this f***ing define me as a person,


Another rationalization. If you really had ended it then you'd have the luxury to choose not to get defined by you "past" actions as you put distance between "that" woman and the "real" you. As you are doing it and don't want to end it (the steps are clear and you refuse to take them) you ARE this person. No grey areas, only faulty thinking to feel better about yourself.
In your posts you admit you are choosing every minute being dishonest, lack self respect, don't give a damm about your husband, his family nor you.
Imagine a rapist telling himself "i'm not this man" while he's at it in a dirty road. Again, ridiculous.

You are chosing, determining who you are. 
As long as you refuse to take the obvious needed steps ill define you as you are behaving. And you should, everyting else is selfserving bull.

I'm out of your thread.


----------



## Headspin

Shaggy said:


> You know the difference between a bad person and a good person?
> 
> It's the choices they make.
> 
> Good people choose to protect the ones that trust and love them.
> 
> Bad people don't.
> 
> Right now you frankly are making the choices of a bad person.
> 
> You had sex with OM today I assume? Hopefully even you are above going home and letting your husband touch you when you're still carrying the OM in you?
> 
> You are the boss here. You get to choose what you do. In the next five minutes you can begin being a good person. You just have to choose it and do it.


Quite

The older I get the more simple life becomes in terms of what is really important.

I get the feeling sometimes that life is merely a series of 'tests' almost like somebody is trying you out with temptation to do bad things. 

In life because nobody is perfect we will be tested and to use Stucks very own phrase 'we become defined as a person' in how well we meet those tests, those temptations 

Most of us seem equipped with the mental strength / prowess to make the right less hurtful, choices when these times come along but sadly and it does seem more prevalent now than ever, many more people seem happy to er towards hurting all around them so they can have their 'entitlement'.

It seems we live now in an "I'm only here for 80 years and I have to enjoy / be happy for as much as I can" society. All well and good but it often comes with the condition of "and I don't give two fks if getting that kills everybody else"


----------



## Stuck8686

Not like it really matters, but just to set the record straight, no I didn't have sex with him today.

I also don't have kids...since that seems to keep coming up. Breathe your sigh of relief and remind me how I don't deserve to spawn children and f**k them up, too.

I'm starting to get exasperated with the direction this is taking, but I'm still trying to read/listen.


----------



## Acabado

Half measures don't cut. You know.
Write down a plan and stick to it. No matter what.
Booze, pills, work, full confession, STD tests, withdrawal tricks.


----------



## Headspin

Stuck8686 said:


> Not like it really matters, but just to set the record straight, no I didn't have sex with him today.
> 
> I also don't have kids...since that seems to keep coming up. Breathe your sigh of relief and remind me how I don't deserve to spawn children and f**k them up, too.
> 
> I'm starting to get exasperated with the direction this is taking, but I'm still trying to read/listen.


Okay sigh of relief breathed ....

So what direction would you like it to take then? What are you looking for in this, on here? I hope it's not some form of validation as I don't think you'll get that 

A serious question for you. Even tho you are a professional counselor have you in any way been taken aback, surprised by what you have experienced in this thread?

Do you in any way feel you may have slightly underestimated the full destructive impact of your behavior?


----------



## jim123

Some people just have to hit bottom. It does not sound like anything or anyone can help you.


----------



## Vanguard

You refuse to let yourself be defined by this? 

You *are* this. This is your legacy. This is what you are. 

When your loved ones look at you that's what will come to their minds, even if they don't want it to be that way. 

King David is not remembered for his countless amazing accomplishments but for his lies and deceit when he slept with another man's wife. 

This is what you are. But you can change what you are.


----------



## Shaggy

Stuck8686 said:


> Not like it really matters, but just to set the record straight, no I didn't have sex with him today.
> 
> I also don't have kids...since that seems to keep coming up. Breathe your sigh of relief and remind me how I don't deserve to spawn children and f**k them up, too.
> 
> I'm starting to get exasperated with the direction this is taking, but I'm still trying to read/listen.


Good.

But seriously why are you exasperated with people pointing out what you already know yourself about the truth of choosing to stop cheating?

It really truly is one of the most black and white choices there is in life: either you are or you aren't. 

So I'm thinking the part that is upsetting you really is that we aren't accepting the excuses that you have been feeding yourself.

I hope the fact that you did come here means there is a real desire to end the cheating now and stop choosing to be the kind of person you don't want to be.

You are very lucky. Do you know that? You're lucky because you get to choose not to keep being the bad person you don't respect. You actually have in yourself the one person who can make your choice not to be that way,

People with cancer can't do that. People with a real mental illness can't either. You can.

Do it.


----------



## Stuck8686

Yes. I actually do think I have underestimated the full destructive impact of my behavior. That was made apparent today especially when I got to work and was dealing with OM on work related stuff and was thinking, "see, this isn't THAT bad" even though the conversation was sprinkled with inappropriate discussion--I was trying to justify it to myself and make it okay.

As for what I'm getting out of the board-- I'll tell you that the tough questions/discussion are forcing me to actually deal with this rather than pretend like it's not a big deal. I will also say that this evening I was "triggered" (for lack of a better word) and wanted desperately to contact OM but got on this board and read the posts instead... consequently I didn't. I know it's probably seen as not enough progress but I'm glad I at least made that choice tonight. 

I wouldn't say I have been taken aback by this thread, but I have definitely had moments of reading things thinking, "well, since I'm already an immoral person who is going to lose everything anyway, why stop now?" I'm slightly saddened by the lack of hope on here. But I also get the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" dynamic and the fact that cheating is one of those things seen so egregious in our culture that I might as well have killed someone. I get that, because it's killing families. I get it. It's just hard trying to make a change when I feel like this is all hopeless anyway.

To also create the full picture as to why I haven't dumped the full truth on my husband right this second, it's because he's been working on his dissertation nonstop and it's due Wednesday. If I told him this stuff I guarantee I would royally f**k this up for him. I'm already f**king him up enough as it is, I feel like he deserves to get his work done without me throwing a wrench in this part of his life, too.


----------



## walkonmars

Yeah, at least let him finish the dissertation w a clear mind.

Why don't you call in sick for the next two days until u can see the IC?


----------



## Shaggy

Then how about balancing out giving him space to finish is dissertation with you equally cooling it with the OM? No texting, no fantasizing, no making plans, and no contact at all with him at work.?


----------



## Broken at 20

You said you don't want this affair to define you. And that cheating can't define your character to the core, and whatever else you said. 

Something stops defining you when you learn to let it go. 

And I can identify with you here, somewhat. 
I'm half-bastard. That's right. One of my parents is the product of an affair. And when I found out, I was so angry and upset...you couldn't guess. 
And I felt like it defined me. Knowing forever I was half bastard, and a mistake. A royal screw up. A stupid sh!t fest. 

And it took me time, and I am not entirely over it yet, but I am learning to let go. 
Does it still upset me? From time-to-time. But I got over it. 

I understand though, this was probably easier for me to get over than what it will be for you to get over. 

But it doesn't define me, because I don't let it. I have grown numb to it. I don't care. Usually. 
But your affair does define you. Why? Because you are still in it!
Once you get out, then you can begin the process of fixing the damage you've done. And once you're done with that, then you can say your affair no longer defines you. But until then, it does. 


I am glad you don't have kids. 

Not because I don't think you don't deserve them (but I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a reason) 
But because you would have destroyed their lives if you did. 

And I think the guilt you would have if you DID have children would probably eat you up inside until you became a zombie, or you would feel nothing, then I would probably consider you a sociopath. 


So, I have a million dollar question!
You don't have kids. 
Your husband has a job. 
You are a female, meaning you will likely get special treatment in the divorce courts (but not a guarantee)

Why are you with your husband!?!
After the dissertation. Sorry, didn't see that until after I posted. Stupid page didn't update. 

Because, you have zero attachments to him. 
You don't love him. Because if you did, you wouldn't have stabbed him in the back, apologized for it, then stab him in the back again and again. 
You enjoy relationships that will hurt you. 
You don't have kids. So...no worries there. 
So if you two divorced, you would be single, ready to mingle, (even though you are already mingling) and free to have sex with whoever you want. Then again, you are already doing just that
And you probably won't be shafted over with child support payments, or alimony. You both have jobs. Just a clean, down the middle split most likely. 

Why can't you leave your husband? WHY!?!


----------



## Stuck8686

Maybe it would be helpful if I laid some really specific questions out.

I really cannot feasibly leave my job until June 2014. At a *minimum* June of this year. It has to do with licensure, etc....complicated crap that I won't get into here. Yeah, it is easy to say on the boards that these are excuses, but at the end of the day I do need a job and need to pay my bills. Sure, I suppose I could go back to the waitressing gig I had in grad school.

My question is, has anyone had or know of situations where someone has successfully cut the work affair relationship to 100% work appropriate... or is this just really downright impossible?


----------



## Headspin

Thanks for replying



Stuck8686 said:


> Yes. I actually do think I have underestimated the full destructive impact of my behavior. That was made apparent today especially when I got to work and was dealing with OM on work related stuff and was thinking, "see, this isn't THAT bad" even though the conversation was sprinkled with inappropriate discussion--I was trying to justify it to myself and make it okay.
> 
> As for what I'm getting out of the board-- I'll tell you that the tough questions/discussion are forcing me to actually deal with this rather than pretend like it's not a big deal. I will also say that this evening I was "triggered" (for lack of a better word) and wanted desperately to contact OM but got on this board and read the posts instead... consequently I didn't. I know it's probably seen as not enough progress but I'm glad I at least made that choice tonight.


Thats something then 



Stuck8686 said:


> I wouldn't say I have been taken aback by this thread, but I have definitely had moments of reading things thinking, "well, since I'm already an immoral person who is going to lose everything anyway, why stop now?" I'm slightly saddened by the lack of hope on here. But I also get the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" dynamic and the fact that cheating is one of those things seen so egregious in our culture that I might as well have killed someone. I get that, because it's killing families. I get it. It's just hard trying to make a change when I feel like this is all hopeless anyway.


It may seem hopeless but here's chance for you to make even a small difference. With each OM episode you are burning a bridge each time and when it all unravels like it will it will become another excruciating detail for your husband who will despise you even more for each one that happened especially if you then withhold the details from him. You can change that 



Stuck8686 said:


> To also create the full picture as to why I haven't dumped the full truth on my husband right this second, it's because he's been working on his dissertation nonstop and it's due Wednesday. If I told him this stuff I guarantee I would royally f**k this up for him. I'm already f**king him up enough as it is, I feel like he deserves to get his work done without me throwing a wrench in this part of his life, too.


Well fair enough, spend the next few days supporting him, helping him in any way you can and then you will need to pick your time and moment hopefully without having seen twatface at work 

Show you have a heart because frankly my comments earlier about you having a black one that is empty is so far right on the money.


----------



## Broken at 20

I am sorry if someone already asked this, but I didn't see it. (but I skimmed the pages)

But Stuck, are you wanting your husband to catch you? So you don't have to break the news to him yourself? To save yourself the pain of having to do it yourself, just let him read it all on the internet and feel the tidal wave of emotions hit him?

You are over your head in a deep affair, with a coworker, and on this website, with your husband not knowing the whole story. So, I assume either he didn't do the reconciliation correctly, wait...that is a given. 
So either, he doesn't have your email passwords, which is a big problem. 
Or you setup another fake email, and are using it for this site and likely to contact the OM. 


So...do you worry about your husband looking through your computer's history? And finding your thread?
Or maybe you being forgetful, and leaving the email open, and him reading this?


----------



## Broken at 20

Stuck8686 said:


> My question is, has anyone had or know of situations where someone has successfully cut the work affair relationship to 100% work appropriate... or is this just really downright impossible?


You're kidding right? 
How many of your ex's are you friends with? By friends, I mean, you see them at least 2x a week, and talk with them regularly (not over the internet)
How many of your husband's ex's is he friends with?

The only reason you want to stay in contact with the OM is because you are hoping that you have a backup plan if your husband leaves you. 

Or you are really delusional, or naïve.


----------



## Shaggy

Stuck, Is the place you work the only place possible? What would you do if it caught fire and burned down? Or went out of business?

You'd find a new place to work, that was relevant to your career.


----------



## Stuck8686

walk-- I just took a week vacation so can't exactly do that... I took the vacation just to get away from this all and try to clear my head.

Shaggy-- I can commit to this, I'm going to tomorrow... unfortunately I work directly with OM so I can't 100% NC, but I can definitely limit it. 

Broken-- good question. Right now I'm sucked up into the fog and I'm having a hard time answering that, to be honest. I do know I can say that I think my husband is an amazing man, and on my wedding day, I knew he was someone that I confidently wanted to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with. Today I'm even questioning if I want to spend the rest of my life with anyone or if I even want to have a family. I'm trying to figure out if this is depression, affair fog, or actual desires to just be single. There is part of me that feels so guilty that I do just want to spare him the pain of my sh*t show. I'm trying to answer if this a sh*t show that I can repair or if I'm just going to keep perpetuating it....and for his sake, I am trying to figure out where I am on that spectrum and ask him to divorce me so he can cut his losses at 28 in a marriage with no kids, no house, etc.


----------



## walkonmars

Stuck8686 said:


> Maybe it would be helpful if I laid some really specific questions out.
> 
> I really cannot feasibly leave my job until June 2014. At a *minimum* June of this year. It has to do with licensure, etc....complicated crap that I won't get into here. Yeah, it is easy to say on the boards that these are excuses, but at the end of the day I do need a job and need to pay my bills. Sure, I suppose I could go back to the waitressing gig I had in grad school.
> 
> My question is, has anyone had or know of situations where someone has successfully cut the work affair relationship to 100% work appropriate... or is this just really downright impossible?


It sounds like you're an intern. If so, and the OM is a licenced practitioner then you may have a case of work place harrasment - especially if he has supervisory responsibilities and he made a play for you. Go to HR and request a transfer


----------



## Stuck8686

I'm looking into options for other work, I should say. Looking into transferring to one of the other sites in the agency and have also looked into another agency all together.


----------



## Broken at 20

Stuck8686 said:


> Broken-- good question. Right now I'm sucked up into the fog and I'm having a hard time answering that, to be honest. I do know I can say that I think my husband is an amazing man, and on my wedding day, I knew he was someone that I confidently wanted to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with. Today I'm even questioning if I want to spend the rest of my life with anyone or if I even want to have a family. I'm trying to figure out if this is depression, affair fog, or actual desires to just be single. There is part of me that feels so guilty that I do just want to spare him the pain of my sh*t show. I'm trying to answer if this a sh*t show that I can repair or if I'm just going to keep perpetuating it....and for his sake, I *am trying to figure out where I am on that spectrum and ask him to divorce me so he can cut his losses at 28 in a marriage with no kids, no house*, etc.


Have you asked him what he wants?
Because I've seen an awful lot about what you want, feel, and think. When does he factor in?
Because that will tell you what options you have open to you.


----------



## Stuck8686

walk-- not an intern, and he's not a supervisor of mine. But yeah, I am considering going to HR to request a transfer anyway.


----------



## old_soldier

Stuck8686 said:


> Well, I'm back, because like I said, I have come here to try to find some kind of guidance to end this. I'm recognizing you guys are tough and amidst all the language and character assassination, I recognize I get the language I deserve and on some level, it's also what I came here for. Wasn't expecting pity or soothing.
> 
> And the honesty of today will be no surprise to those of you who predicted my future. I neither told my husband nor ended it with OM. Nothing progressed one way or the other. I could lie and say I made the right choice and went NC, quit my job, etc. That would be a waste of everyone's time as it would just be a way for me to lie, deny and placate my issues in an anonymous forum. I figure I'm doing enough of that in my day-to-day life.
> 
> I also don't want to get into a position to defend myself here because I know it's not the place and I don't want to come off as making excuses or trying to justify anything. In fact, I agree with most of what everyone said here. *Except* *that I don't think, at my core, I am an immoral or irreversibly mentally ill person...and I feel it's particularly important to say that to anyone who has been on the other side and has dismissed their ex's as evil or heartless. I'm not going to defend my actions but I certainly want to highlight that I don't think cheating, alone, can dictate the depths of someone's character *(Go ahead, commence agree to disagree). YES I know I have hurt people and even though OM's wife and children don't know at this stage, I feel AWFUL that on a spiritual level I have really aggressively hurt them and stolen from them. I feel AWFUL that I have abused my husband. ABUSED him, a man who said to me a few days ago, "I just get sick of being the nice guy who gets f***ed over in the end." And here I am adding to that... and believe me, I HATE that I have done this. Not once, not twice, but deliberately, over and over. In my moments of sanity, of course I DO feel awful about it because this is not who I am. However, in those moments that I can't explain at all, everything goes out the window, and like I've said, everything I value goes with it. And it's f*cking scary and it's been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. YES, I make the choice. Obviously. No one is forcing me to do this. I am making the choice and I repeatedly, minute to minute, feel like I'm looking at a crossroads at the most critical moment in my life. I could choose:
> 1) try to get back to the really good, healthy life that I was living 6 months ago, filled with healthy relationships and support and positive connection to my work,
> or 2) throw my hands up in the air, say I give up on everything, to include my marriage, my career, my friendships, my family, everything that I will lose over this one man (or string of men) who could give a sh*t about me and would use me for sex.
> 
> I'm disturbed that there's ANY part of me that wants option 2. It's disgusting and I don't know why it is lurking in my mind like a poison. Who would want this? Who would want to choose relationships that hurt by definition and leave you alone? Yet I realize that right now, in my limbo, I am dragging my husband through this cesspool of self-examination, which is absolutely not fair to him. Believe me, he's too good of a man for this and it breaks my heart that he believes in me.
> 
> Yet, I refuse to let this f***ing define me as a person, although it is quick to happen on these discussion boards. That's why I'm back though, because I want to highlight that just because I didn't do it today doesn't mean I give up. I do want to find the strength to quit this, really. Reading these posts have been helpful.
> 
> Thank you again for the time and challenging conversation. I will beat this, for those of you who don't believe I will do the right thing because I'm "immoral", "sociopathic", "evil" and "cruel," I want to prove you wrong. I wouldn't be here looking for any kind of discussion about my actions if I didn't have any conscience about it.


Don't delude yourself sister. Your behaviour and attitude say otherwise.

And yes it does. Cheating on your spouce demonstrates to the world that you have no integrity and can not under any circumstances be trusted. Regardless of what some yahoo's think, adultery is immoral and to actually relish in it, is actually a mental illness. If you truly wanted to stop, you would choose to stop. The thing is , I don't think you really don't want to stop. I believe you get a rush out of the knowledge you are destroying a lot of people. Kind of a power trip. Uncureable? That remains to be seen.

I don't believe you will beat this, I don't think you have the courage to do so. IMHO the OM is a huge coward as well.


----------



## walkonmars

Stuck8686 said:


> I'm looking into options for other work, I should say. Looking into transferring to one of the other sites in the agency and have also looked into another agency all together.


There's a difference between actively looking & thinking about it. Which are you doing?


----------



## Shaggy

If you confidentially go talk to hr, you may find they will help you out quickly so as to avoid a workspace incident.


----------



## Stuck8686

broken-- my husband has repeatedly said throughout this that he wants to stay with me, that he loves me and believes that I am a better person than this. He has repeatedly used the line of "we have a good track record of 7 years of a healthy relationship." Now I get that he doesn't know the extent of the last 3 months and yes, I know I need to come clean about all this...which I am making plans to do

walk--at the moment, I am admittedly "thinking" about it, not actively looking... I suppose I was thinking that I should decide what I want to do with my marriage first, but that's actually backwards when I think about it.


----------



## jim123

Stuck8686 said:


> walk-- not an intern, and he's not a supervisor of mine. But yeah, I am considesring going to HR to request a transfer anyway.


This is your best option. These are positive steps. You need to tell OM;s wife as that will change his attitude toward you and you will see the real him.

If you can not tell your H, send him here or print your stuff out and let him read it.


----------



## old_soldier

Stuck8686 said:


> Not like it really matters, but just to set the record straight, no I didn't have sex with him today.
> 
> I also don't have kids...since that seems to keep coming up. Breathe your sigh of relief and remind me how I don't deserve to spawn children and f**k them up, too.
> 
> I'm starting to get exasperated with the direction this is taking, but I'm still trying to read/listen.


As a parent *YOU* set the example of behaviour for your children. You are responsible to the society to which they grow up in for their moral values and/or moral reasoning. Do you honestly believe, at the present time that you set a good solid standard of ethical values?


----------



## Stuck8686

old_soldier said:


> As a parent *YOU* set the example of behaviour for your children. You are responsible to the society to which they grow up in for their moral values and/or moral reasoning. Do you honestly believe, at the present time that you set a good solid standard of ethical values?


No, I don't, and that's why I'm definitely not making any plans to have kids in the near future.


----------



## tom67

Stuck I respect that you are still on here but you know what you have to do. Come on he has 3 kids do you want to live with that?


----------



## Stuck8686

Broken at 20 said:


> But Stuck, are you wanting your husband to catch you? So you don't have to break the news to him yourself? To save yourself the pain of having to do it yourself, just let him read it all on the internet and feel the tidal wave of emotions hit him?
> 
> So...do you worry about your husband looking through your computer's history? And finding your thread?
> Or maybe you being forgetful, and leaving the email open, and him reading this?


I really am not hoping my husband catches me. I have been increasingly paranoid that he already knows it is still going on and is waiting for the right moment to drop the news on me that he's known all along. I'm making plans to come clean with him after he gets his work submitted on Wednesday because as you have all said-- it is much more decent that he hears it from me than discovers it elsewhere.


----------



## tom67

Stuck you can be a parent find an ic that deals with infidelity and go from there.


----------



## TBT

I'm glad you're going to tell your H,as you really need to start making and acting on some clear cut choices or you are just going to remain in this stuck point.I'm just curious what concerns you more at the moment,consequences to you or consequences to your H and others?


----------



## cantthinkstraight

*"Making plans" to tell him?!?!*

Knock this selfish BS off and go tell him the truth already...
For crying out loud. 

You have no idea how much damage you're doing.


----------



## Shaggy

When you tell him, also honestly answer every question he asks. If you don't it will just further destroy his trust.


----------



## Headspin

Stuck8686 said:


> *Today I'm even questioning if I want to spend the rest of my life with anyone or if I even want to have a family. I'm trying to figure out if this is depression, affair fog, or actual desires to just be single*. There is part of me that feels so guilty that I do just want to spare him the pain of my sh*t show. I'm trying to answer if this a sh*t show that I can repair or if I'm just going to keep perpetuating it....and for his sake, I am trying to figure out where I am on that spectrum and ask him to divorce me so he can cut his losses at 28 in a marriage with no kids, no house, etc.


This may be insightful for you or not and I'll be brief (as it's originally very long)

I now know my stbxw sat at exactly this point in her thoughts 7/8 years ago when she 'fell' for a co worker.
After my forgiveness and 4/5 more infidelities /episodes over the next 7 years when the last dd came, a year ago (been separate since then) she said in a small moment of lucidity and honesty "I should have got out then" rather than have gone on got deeper and deeper in her own shvt. 

What I and my kids have had is another 8 years rollercoastering false reconciliations where even though there were good times I know now they were shvte because she was always looking to be with somebody else which made the while marriage a complete lie. They were all married men with kids family which I think shows another side to her too

For me had she "got out" pursued her single life that she hankered for I'd have been destroyed but eventually respected a decision that ultimately would have had some honesty behind it all and now I'd be amicably in her life whenever we needed to talk about our kids 

BUT I don't have that because she chose to stay in the marriage, take everything good from me and deceive both me and her children daily. I only have a bitterness and hatred for her that I absolutely know will never ever leave me

*She is defined by that * everything else I had with her recedes behind her life of infidelity and cheating

You do not have kids - a godsend! 

He has a right for your honesty even though with the deceit involving the actual acts you've already shown you've thrown that out of the window. I mean the real honesty of living a complete lie with him 

You can stop that 

Don't go on to give him more of the same so that he despises you forever - it really is not a good place to put somebody

Your husband deserves better

If you are a decent person you will leave him to lead a life that does not involve him being shredded into small pieces whilst you have affair after affair and enjoy yourself at his expense


----------



## EleGirl

Stuck8686 said:


> I'm looking into options for other work, I should say. Looking into transferring to one of the other sites in the agency and have also looked into another agency all together.


This is a very good idea.


----------



## oregonmom

I'm glad you don't have kids. The reason "kids" keeps coming up because your OM has 3 kids. You might want to consider what will happen to those kids. Sure, OM is the one who made a commitment to his family, not you. Yes, if you break up with him he may just find another OW. But right now, you are part of the destruction of that family.


----------



## doc_martin

Maybe change your focus. Maybe begin to think about how your life is going to be when you get to see the life drain from your husbands face when he confronts you and all you can do is nod in agreement and say things like "I don't know.", and "I know, I'm a horrible person." Maybe think about how nice it will be to walk around your job with everyone looking at you and knowing what you have done. Maybe think about how you will avert their eyes and how you will wish you didn't have to hear their whispers. Maybe think about how your perfect AP won't seem so perfect when he throws you under the bus to his wife, your coworkers and possibly your husband. Because the best defense is a good offense, and he will use it to his advantage. 

Think about where you will live when. You ae forced out of the marital home. Where you will work after you lose your job. Think how proud your parents and friends will be. Actually maybe spend a single minute in the shoes of anyone but yourself...for one brief minute... Then go back to your addiction and finish what you started. 

Be someone else in this for just one minute...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

doc_martin said:


> Maybe change your focus. Maybe begin to think about how your life is going to be when you get to see the life drain from your husbands face when he confronts you and all you can do is nod in agreement and say things like "I don't know.", and "I know, I'm a horrible person." Maybe think about how nice it will be to walk around your job with everyone looking at you and knowing what you have done. Maybe think about how you will avert their eyes and how you will wish you didn't have to hear their whispers. Maybe think about how your perfect AP won't seem so perfect when he throws you under the bus to his wife, your coworkers and possibly your husband. Because the best defense is a good offense, and he will use it to his advantage.
> 
> Think about where you will live when. You ae forced out of the marital home. Where you will work after you lose your job. Think how proud your parents and friends will be. Actually maybe spend a single minute in the shoes of anyone but yourself...for one brief minute... Then go back to your addiction and finish what you started.
> 
> Be someone else in this for just one minute...


Frist off she cannot, by law, be forced out of the marital home. It is every bit as much her legal residence as it is her husband's. He cannot order her out.

She is looking for a work transfer. There is no need for her to leave her job if that works out. While I belive she needs to find a way to not work with the OM, it served no one's purpose for her to become unemployable or lose what looks like significant work towards a profession.

While you might get some satifaction out of talking like this to a WS it really does no good. It's like telling a kid to day that weed makes people kill people.. hence killer week. 

If you take away all hope then why would she, or any other WS reading this, even try to do the rigth thing?

She has come here for help, not to be kicked around, humiliated and turned into a sarogate for people to treat the way they really want to treat their own WS.


----------



## Decorum

Stuck,
I have followed your thread from the start, and I am truly dismayed for you.

You are not the first WW to confess to her husband only to go back to the Om, it is actually more the rule than the exception.

Sometimes there is a stumble start in a race.

Unfortunately your husband does not know the best way to help you, few do, most never expect to end up here.

He must be a good man because you trusted him enough to tell him, and if he saw something in you that made him want to spend the rest of his life with you, then there must be a “you” under this mess that is a worthy human being.

You have heard the phrase “all things being equal” well they never are, right?

One person gets drunk and drives home and passes out in bed, the next person hits a family of 6 and kills everyone but the 2 year old. Same choice different consequence. 

People are also wired differently. I worked with an engineer once that was a very clean man morally. He was a deacon in his church, and just a decent man. He was encouraged to visit a casino on the river by a co-worker and he was NEVER the same. 

He was close to retirement and by the time his wife found out he had spent their retirement, re-mortgaged the house and was deeply in debt. After an attempt to right the situation, he lost it all, the house, the marriage, and died a few years later. It was shocking.

People don’t come with a stamp on their forehead, “This person should never gamble”, “never drive drunk”, “Never cheat”.

My youngest child (of 4), a daughter, now 18 shows and competes in equestrian sports, she is a cracker jack rider, I know I’m her dad but its true.

One day when we using a new trainer, for reasons I won’t go into now, the trainer decided to put my daughter on a new horse. She was 16 at the time. We found out later that it was a problem horse, and the trainer was hoping to get some of the green out of it. 

New trainer, new horse, new (to her) student. I will tell you now that I did not like this trainer and was actively trying to reconnect with the trainer who had left.

My daughter mounted this horse as she had every horse since before she could ride a bicycle.

The horse broke full speed, and would not listen. This is a tricky situation because you have to hold on with your knees but the more you squeeze the faster the horse thinks you want to go.

It was dramatic, I did not know if we would be calling and ambulance or a veterinarian when it was all over. 

There were only two choices if you can even stay on, ride it out or bail on a soft straight. Btw nothing is soft at that speed.

So what happened?

Stuck, You made some choices early on; to consider yourself available, to flirt, to dream and enjoy the attention, to spend time with om, to deceive and betray your husband.

You ignored your spiritual side (which was a better trainer than my daughter had), the warnings were there and you ignored them, and you got up on the horse of infidelity and it ran away with you.

You have it as bad as any ww I have ever seen on here, and I suspect that if you think back the forces that watch over your life tried to prepare you for this, tried to prevent it, tried to help you to know better, but you made a choice, and your wiring locks you in, almost inescapably. 

Your feeling of detachment is completely understandable; the parts of your brain running your life now are not the same as the parts of your brain that know better. It not a mystery, you have become fragmented. You have your own building version of PTSD.

But what to do? 

Ride it out? That does not end well in this situation. 

Bail? There will be too many pieces to pick up, who will you call? There will be nothing left of you, and you are worth saving!

In my daughters case there could have been a third option. An experienced mounted rider could begin to crowed the horse and make it concerned for it’s own safety, get the horse thinking again.

The ears go up, it starts blinking again, these are clear signs that now it can listen as a different part of the brain kicks in.

This is too much for you, no shame in that, it’s how you’re are wired. The wiring that makes you so special and gives you such unique potential for good also in this case makes you vulnerable.

You need the third option! You have to put your trust in an experienced person (experienced with infidelity) to come along side and crowed you for your own good. In this case there is no other way.

You husband needs to be trained to help you, and you will need a radical break.

You have been getting your share of what we call around here 2x4’s. 

Many of those people wielding them are good consistent people who have seen it all before, I have watched them help many, many people. Please don’t be run off by the 2x4’s, it’s a rite of passage here, if you stick it out you will earn respect and receive support for as long as you need it.

What am I recommending.
1. A counselor that deals with infidelity.
2. Yes follow through with a transfer/ new job.
3. Bring your husband here so he can be trained to help you. This will involve exposing this.
(it may cost you your marriage, but you know that is a small price to pay to make this right, my guess is that if you confess that you cannot do this on your own he will work with you)
4. Can you take a leave of absents for mental health reasons?
5.The part of your brain that you need to “kick in” cannot come online until you have a complete and long term break with the om, of course it should be permanent, I’m just saying it will take a while and you WILL go through withdrawals. He is you trigger.
6.Follow the advice in the above posts, I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel here.

My daughter? 

Well there was no third option possible.

She had the ride of her life and stayed on the horse (almost 4 minutes) until the horse became uncomfortable and natural laziness kicked in the thinking part of brain. It listened thereafter.

My dread gave way to pride, and my congeniality to indignation and distain.

We left that facility and trainer and never went back. She put my daughter in jeopardy for no reason.

In the beginning of your affair you were acting in your own self interest, now everyday you are acting against you own best interest and those you love and who love you. You need to trust someone else to help you with this.

The other man, he is like the trainer, he has put all you hold dear, in yourself, your life, and those you love, in jeopardy.

He will ride you for all you are worth and leave you broken and alone, and move on to another. 

He is consuming you, it’s a game to him, he is wired differently. 

If you break from him, it will just be a welcomed challenge to possess you again, no matter the costs to you or your life.

My hope and prayer for you is that you will come into possession of yourself again, and be the person you were meant to be!

Take care!


----------



## empty3

Stuck,

Focus on your self-worth and self-respect. It's a great place to start.


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## bfree

Stuck, are you so self adsorbed that you honestly think you'll have a career after this comes out....and it will. The first time your husband's reaction was based in shock. This time his reaction will most likely come from anger. What will probably happen is he will have you served with divorce papers at work. He will file a lawsuit against your employer demanding you and your lover be fired. He will expose the affair to everyone and anyone. Family, friends, coworkers, your lover's family. Your lover will probably end up divorced like you. His children will have to grow up coming from a broken family. You will be terminated and will not be able to work in your chosen career field ever again. That is what awaits you if you stay on your current path. And you should be concerned that he knows what you have been doing. He might even be gathering evidence as we speak. But you are so wrapped up in your selfish behavior that you aren't even noticing. That VAR in your purse as small as a pen or a button. That spyware on your phone that records your every movement. That man across the street with a camera. Don't believe it? Read some of the other threads on TAM. You only have one choice if you want to save any semblance of a life for yourself. End your affair now! Get away from your lover and never see him again. You need to quit your job or demand an immediate transfer asap. You don't have the luxury of waiting.

One other question you should be asking yourself. Does your job support your marriage or does your marriage support your job?


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## Chaparral

Its too late to prove us wrong. You can blather on about anything you want to. However, actions are what count. You ARE an immoral person doing immoral things to good people. You do these things because you want to and everyone else, kids included can go to hell.

Posters can waste their breath on you but if you were remorseful or cared even a little you would stop walking on, and hurting other people just so you could drop your linen and get your jollies.


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## Doc Who

Stuck

I applaud you for seeking help here. But I also must warn you - you really have no idea how hurt your husband is going to be. You THINK you do, at least in abstract terms. But understand this - you intentionally destroyed your marriage for something he will never understand. But if you ever had an ounce of respect for him, he is owed the facts. Let him decide his life instead of being a pawn.

If you do value him more than what you have demonstrated, please consider putting your timeline on paper to give to him. When you tell him, he is going to be crushed. And he will likely be very angry. He has every right to be disgusted. But he is also likely to be very inquisitive, and at least the timeline can help him process and avoid the absolute hell of trickle-truth.

If you really think he is a good man, even if you cannot stop cheating and have thrown him away, give him some help so he can start the long process of his personal healing.

He does not deserve what you have done to him. Please do not keep piling on the damage that may take him years to overcome.


----------



## Shaggy

One thing that you also do is replace sex and attention with the OM with sex and attention with your husband.

Each and every time you would do something with the OM, replace him with your husband.

OM texts you, you ignore the OM and text your husband.
You want to have sex with OM, go find your husband and do for him what you would have done for the OM.
Cut of the OM and use your husband.
You may not get the sane initial rush from it, but if you make your husband the go to destination for your urges it very much will help and your passion with shift to him.


----------



## InlandTXMM

Stuck, we become the person we act like.

So act like the person you want to become.


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## MattMatt

Stuck, here's an idea for you.

Whenever you think of OM, picture the face of your husband at the exact moment he realises the full depth of your betrayal.

Also do this whenever you meet with OM for work or sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## victarion

I strongly concur with Matt here


----------



## ing

One of the things that I hear alot is that he/she makes me feel good. 
Makes me feel valuable. 

This is incredibly intoxicating for both parties and it is wonderful to have a person building you up and this is totally at the start of a new relationship

In an affair with a married man with children it is different. 
He is lying to you. 
He is lying to himself. 
You are lying to yourself 
You lie to him.

You continue to see him to build each other up. As the lies build on all sides this becomes more intoxicating, not less.

The problem is that the important thing. The thing that really makes you feel good is not self esteem and it is not other people.
It is internal and that is self respect. They are not the same.
Self esteem relies on others
Self respect is your internal values and integrity

You are bumping into people here who have had the **** kicked out of their self esteem and self respect. They are working on fixing the latter and have no time for how good or bad you feel.

You are being forced to look at the reality of your actions by strangers and you don't like it because you are breaching your internal values and ethics and these are conflicting with your desire to feel good. valued and desirable.

The problem is that you are only considering your own options here. You are not considering the long reaching consequences of your actions to date.

These consequences are taken from real affairs involving real people.

Are you comfortable that your AP's three children will lose not only their financial well being but their emotional and mental security?

Are you comfortable with your AP's wife will attempt or be successful in her suicide attempt?

Are you comfortable with the idea that your AP will lose access to his children, his home and lose his job?

One of the children is so badly damaged by the loss of family [highly likely] that they self harm, suffer massive anxiety attacks and have to leave school.

I suspect your answer to all these is no. 

So here is another question.


What do you find attractive about a man who could risk is children like that?

I hope the best for you and hold out hope that you will see in time. The fact you are here is incredible. It says to me that you are in massive conflict.

1. End the affair
2. End it.
3. End
4. It


----------



## sandc

You could get out of this affair tomorrow. Tell your OM's wife. Tell your HR department or whatever your variant of that is. Tell your licensing board. Tell them you want out and you want help.

If this has already been suggested or you already did, my apologies. I couldn't read the whole thread. There is another mental health professional on this board who successfully got out of an affair. You can do it too.


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## Decorum

ing said:


> The problem is that the important thing. The thing that really makes you feel good is not self esteem and it is not other people. It is internal and that is self respect.
> 
> They are not the same.
> 
> Self esteem relies on others
> 
> Self respect is your internal values and integrity


:iagree:
So true! Never heard it put that way.

Stuck you have lost yourself and you are stuck on someone else.


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## empty3

Stuck,

You are losing yourself in this. The more it goes on the more you lose yourself. 

Trust me, it hurts to end but at least you start to recognise your old self again.

Right now you are someone else and on a downward spiral.

The anticipation of stopping is harder than the stopping itself.

Seriously, end it. Call in sick for a few weeks and LEAVE TOWN to start the initial healing. 

It FEELS GOOD I KNOW but it's a DRUG.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Stuck,

You are doing the right thing by waiting to tell your husband until after he finishes his dissertation. Having gone through a Ph.D. myself, having my wife spill such beans would have destroyed me. I would have flung my dissertation into the trash and walked westward until I'd reached the end of the earth.

Once he has turned his dissertation in however, please follow through with what you said you must do. Tell him the truth.

And then make plans to end the marriage. Your marriage is long gone, and maybe one of the only ways you can get yourself out of the destructive sado-masochistic spiral that you're in is not to go NC with the OM because you won't, but to end the false security-blanket that is your husband. 

You can't protest about how good a man your husband is while this OM is shtucking the daylights out of you. It becomes part of the game. Listen, I'm not going to condemn you, but acting sick, depraved, wanton is not bible-thumping immorality that should have you burning in hell. It is part of the game, it is a fantasy that you can't help acting out over and over again, and now you're hooked. Your psycho-somatic response betrays you every time.

When he is no longer there, then you may see your way out of the fog. And even if he insists on staying together, LET HIM GO!!!


----------



## Rookie4

Stuck8686 said:


> I'm looking into options for other work, I should say. Looking into transferring to one of the other sites in the agency and have also looked into another agency all together.


Stuck, I've read your thread (and pretty tedious work it was) and I don't for one minute think that you really want to end your affair.
It's kind of like the man who says he hates poison ivy, but scratching the itch is so satisfying. You are not an idiot, nor are you mentally ill. You are fully aware of what you are doing and are getting your "itch", scratched, both by the OM and by your participation here. You know that you are SUPPOSED to feel awful and guilty, so you say that you do. But ,in reality , you don't feel awful enough or guilty enough to counterbalance the satisfaction you are getting sexually from the OM or emotionally from the drama and excitement you are perpetrating here and with your husband. If you REALLY felt so bad, self-preservation alone would get you to end what is making you feel so bad, right? So it stands to reason that you don't feel nearly bad enough to end the affair. At some level, you ENJOY being the "bad girl', don't you? What will you do for excitement when the affair is over? Probably start a new affair, because the truth is your husband doesn't excite you enough to remain faithful to him. Get a divorce and have fun as a single girl.


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## PreRaphaelite

Headspin said:


> This may be insightful for you or not and I'll be brief (as it's originally very long)
> 
> I now know my stbxw sat at exactly this point in her thoughts 7/8 years ago when she 'fell' for a co worker.
> After my forgiveness and 4/5 more infidelities /episodes over the next 7 years when the last dd came, a year ago (been separate since then) she said in a small moment of lucidity and honesty "I should have got out then" rather than have gone on got deeper and deeper in her own shvt.
> 
> What I and my kids have had is another 8 years rollercoastering false reconciliations where even though there were good times I know now they were shvte because she was always looking to be with somebody else which made the while marriage a complete lie. They were all married men with kids family which I think shows another side to her too
> 
> For me had she "got out" pursued her single life that she hankered for I'd have been destroyed but eventually respected a decision that ultimately would have had some honesty behind it all and now I'd be amicably in her life whenever we needed to talk about our kids
> 
> BUT I don't have that because she chose to stay in the marriage, take everything good from me and deceive both me and her children daily. I only have a bitterness and hatred for her that I absolutely know will never ever leave me
> 
> *She is defined by that * everything else I had with her recedes behind her life of infidelity and cheating
> 
> You do not have kids - a godsend!
> 
> He has a right for your honesty even though with the deceit involving the actual acts you've already shown you've thrown that out of the window. I mean the real honesty of living a complete lie with him
> 
> You can stop that
> 
> Don't go on to give him more of the same so that he despises you forever - it really is not a good place to put somebody
> 
> Your husband deserves better
> 
> If you are a decent person you will leave him to lead a life that does not involve him being shredded into small pieces whilst you have affair after affair and enjoy yourself at his expense


:iagree:

This is so well said Headspin. Stuck, your obsession with this other guy should not make you incapable of some soul-searching.

Maybe it's time to stop beating yourself up and look at yourself honestly. If you were not married, there would be nothing wrong with what you're doing. A desire for sex that goes down the wild side a ways is not deviant, sick or depraved. Maybe you'd have a chance to learn more of yourself if you just admitted it and acted accordingly. It's the marriage that makes this a terrible, hurtful thing.

Not everyone should be married, and maybe you're one of them. That doesn't mean that 10 years down the road you won't change, but for now, isn't it obvious that you shouldn't be married?


----------



## Left With 4.5

PreRaphaelite said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This is so well said Headspin. Stuck, your obsession with this other guy should not make you incapable of some soul-searching.
> 
> Maybe it's time to stop beating yourself up and look at yourself honestly. *If you were not married, there would be nothing wrong with what you're doing. * A desire for sex that goes down the wild side a ways is not deviant, sick or depraved. Maybe you'd have a chance to learn more of yourself if you just admitted it and acted accordingly. It's the marriage that makes this a terrible, hurtful thing.
> 
> Not everyone should be married, and maybe you're one of them. That doesn't mean that 10 years down the road you won't change, but for now, isn't it obvious that you shouldn't be married?


It would still be wrong because he's a married man with 3 kids. But if they were BOTH single, then there wouldn't be a problem and she wouldn't be here posting.


----------



## walkonmars

The voice in her head telling her she is doing wrong and must end this affair is much quieter. The voice that tells her she's young and the affair is harmless fun and not really hurting anyone is speaking up. 

Which will she pay attention to?


----------



## ChangingMe

Hello Stuck. I'm the fWW that SandC was mentioning. I had an EA/PA last year. Worst mistake of my life. My husband is a changed man. He used to be easy-going, fun, my best friend. Most days now, he can't even make eye-contact with me. He is very depressed. That's my professional opinion, as I am a licensed counselor. It's hell. It's awful. 

I remember being in my A and struggling with it. I didn't know how to end it, but I also hated knowing that what I was doing would hurt my husband and my kids -though I never could have fathomed how much it would hurt them. 

Stop what you're doing please. I don't know if I can convince you. I wish to God that I had reached out and that someone had convinced me. It took my husband putting software on my phone and recording me in the act with xPOSOM to bring me to reckoning. It's sad how relieved I was to have it brought to light and have things ended. I haven't looked back, except in disbelief and disgust. It's been nearly 10 months since he confronted me, and it is still hell. We are living together, but if we didn't have kids, he would have been done with me long ago. 

One of the reasons I stick around TAM is because I hope my story can help somebody. If I can convince someone to stop their A or keep from getting into an A, then maybe my sins and destruction will serve a small ounce of purpose. Not to excuse them, mind you, but I don't want anyone's spouse going through what mine is, and I don't want anyone experiencing what I have for the past year. 

PM me. Ask questions. Vent. I will try to help you any way I can. I'm not going to cheer you on or excuse what you're doing, so don't expect that. But I've been in your shoes, so I wear the same huge A on my chest that you have. You can end this. NO good can come of it. Whether your marriage survives or fails -whether mine does -we can both be better than we were in our affairs. 

I don't have all (or many) of the answers, but I'll do what I can. You are headed to a level of destruction you cannot even fathom. But you have the power to stop it. There will still be damage. No way around that. But if you stop it and confess, it will be better for everyone than if you wait for your husband or someone else to make it come to light. Be stronger and better than me. End what you're doing.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

This sounds exactly like my stbxw.

Same exact thing.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Sorry for not reacting on posts from some time ago. I got banned for some reason and can't find what exactly for.

I hate it that at being banned you can't even get in contact to see what happened. I alway's try to react in harmony with the other posters, so when sharp it is because a post is sharp. At least that's what I think...


----------



## Acabado

OP claimed would confess after her husband fisnished something important.
OP claimed would ask for a transfer at work to avoid F2F meetings with OM.
OP claimed would block OM from comunication devices.
....


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Acabado said:


> OP claimed would confess after her husband fisnished something important.
> OP claimed would ask for a transfer at work to avoid F2F meetings with OM.
> OP claimed would block OM from comunication devices.
> ....


Methinks she's taken a break from this website. We can only guess why. I hope at least she has confessed the whole thing to her husband. Chances of that are. . . ? maybe not so good


----------



## carpenoctem

*Stuck:*

YOU not Stuck.
You Stick(ing the knife into your spouse – deeper and deeper).

Your husband, on the other hand, is STUCK.
Like ugly on ape.
*Like his phallus is caught in an electrical socket. And you wouldn’t switch off the power.*

Argh!


----------



## OhGeesh

Stuck8686 said:


> Hi, thank you to anyone who is taking the time to read this. Let me ask first please do not read this and respond with judgement because that's really not what I am looking for-- I already feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself about this whole situation but I am here because I feel addicted and trapped in this affair.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 7 years, recently married 5 months ago. He is an incredibly amazing man and has always been very good to me. however, since we got married in October, I hit a patch of significant depression/anxiety and an "identity crisis," debating if I made the wrong decision in marrying him.
> 
> This coincided with a man I work with being flirtatious beginning in December , eventually asking for my number and starting up an affair with me. We hooked up at work in my office several times, adding an extra layer of risk to the whole thing. He is 10 yrs older than me, married with 3 kids. I have never done anything like this or imagined that I would be the kind of person who would. The best explanation I can give myself is at I feel like I've totally lost my mind, and that now I'm just watching myself wreck my life.
> 
> The worst part is that I broke down at the end of January and told my husband. Even though I told him most of the details i didn't want him to know it was someone i worked with. He ended up finding out anyway and asked for "100% honesty" and a desire to use it as an opportunity to examine and improve our marriage and move on. I lasted about 4 days before I went back to the other man.
> 
> Now I have been straddling this for about 2 months--my husband has forgiven me, wants to move on, but doesn't know I'm still in this full-fledged.
> 
> The issue I'm having is that whenever I sit down and swear to myself that I need to end it with the OM, I have these extreme, physical responses and panic attack type experiences. I've started drinking heavier than normal and even abusing NyQuil to just try to take the edge off but the only thing that seems to work is when I contact the OM. I am actually a mental health clinician and work in a substance abuse hospital but cannot for the life of me "practice what I preach." I will go all day trying to distract myself and stay busy and then have this spark of temptation and suddenly find myself in a full blown sex convo with this guy.
> 
> I recognize that leaving my husband may be the right choice but I cannot even fathom doing this. I feel like I would be throwing away a very good, long, promising and healthy relationship for what has been 3 months of total insanity. I am very close to his family too. I am definitely not in love with the OM, just obsessed with him i think. On paper, it is ridiculous comparing the two men because my husband is definitely a "better catch"-- but i just feel so much more passion with OM. Its like I'm an entirely different person sexually. Since i told my husband in January he has been encouraging me to follow those sexual urges but I just absolutely can't (I think partially because of the guilt/shame at this point). Its like I just have 0 sex drive for my husband and all I want is this OM....but in every other way i want my husband. I just don't know what has come over me.
> 
> My head says that I should stay in my marriage and work to repair it because I am so fortunate to have the husband I do. I am not entirely sure that i want to be married but i also know that i don't think theres a better man out there for me. I have drunkenly begged my husband to divorce me, but he keeps asserting that he is faithful to working on repairing the marriage. I feel so guilty that I am just flat out abusing him, but I dont know that there's any way out of this witout continuing to hurt him. Either by coming clean (again) or leaving. My way of dealing with it has just been to continue to hide this.
> 
> Yes, I have been seeing a therapist and it is helpful but I am just so worried I'm going to totally destroy my marriage (and even potentially career) before I get to the bottom of this.
> 
> I have always considered myself a strong person and this is so uncharacteristic, but I just feel like I'm "watching myself" and I have no control.
> 
> I'd appreciate any advice, particularly if anyone has ever been in a similar situation of being "addicted" to the affair, and struggling with how to leave the affair or leave the marriage.


One of the most realistic cheater posts ever!! The people on this forum will tear you apart I'm not even going to read the responses, but no doubt the same old rhetoric will be spewed. *"You don't love your husband, you aren't even in a marriage any more, by all means leave you husband so he can move on and find someone worth his time!"*

Go to counseling individually!! You can stop as hard as it may seem to be you can! In 1, 3, or 5 years you will thank yourself for this!! 

Your husband is just as perverted and freaky as the OM you just don't see him that way. Trust me he is a guy he is!! Spice it up with him, open new doors, use toys, hell watch some porn together!! In fact all of you problems are mental, go to counseling and best of luck making the right choice.


----------



## Headspin

OhGeesh said:


> One of the most realistic cheater posts ever!! The people on this forum will tear you apart I'm not even going to read the responses, but no doubt the same old rhetoric will be spewed. *"You don't love your husband, you aren't even in a marriage any more, by all means leave you husband so he can move on and find someone worth his time!"*
> 
> Go to counseling individually!! You can stop as hard as it may seem to be you can! In 1, 3, or 5 years you will thank yourself for this!!
> 
> Your husband is just as perverted and freaky as the OM you just don't see him that way. Trust me he is a guy he is!! Spice it up with him, open new doors, use toys, hell watch some porn together!! In fact all of you problems are mental, go to counseling and best of luck making the right choice.


*I'm not even going to read the responses,*

Jesus!

You'll feel like a right nob then when you now go back and read the thread properly and find out that she planned to go and end it with other man but I think ended up shagging him again (I think)

Fksakes


----------



## BobSimmons

You people are just gluttons for punishment aren't you..


----------



## Cobre

Some here have experienced the fall out of infidelity, it is hard to not let the old emotions from being kept out of their responses, as well as the frustration of seeing the WS post and it’s a like nightmare where you already how it ends. “If they just did this, or just said the truth” so much pain can be prevented but then the WS doesn’t and continues on with it.


----------



## Single Malt

Stuck8686 said:


> I recognize that leaving my husband may be the right choice but I cannot even fathom doing this. I feel like I would be throwing away a very good, long, promising and healthy relationship for what has been 3 months of total insanity.


But you say you are still in it full-fledged. So either stop what you are doing, realize what you have and end your affair, or you get a divorce and set your husband free.




> I am very close to his family too. I am definitely not in love with the OM, just obsessed with him i think. On paper, it is ridiculous comparing the two men because my husband is definitely a "better catch"-- but i just feel so much more passion with OM.


Of course you do, its called the 7 year itch. There is always going to be a perceived higher level of passion with someone you haven't been with for years.

Its like Eddie Murphy said, if you haven't eaten for days and are starving, and someone gives you a cracker, you devour it thinking its the best damn cracker you ever had.

Have that same cracker every day for a month, and its not as good anymore and want something new. 




> Its like I'm an entirely different person sexually. Since i told my husband in January he has been encouraging me to follow those sexual urges but I just absolutely can't (I think partially because of the guilt/shame at this point). Its like I just have 0 sex drive for my husband and all I want is this OM


Thats being the case I'd say its time to set your husband free. I don't think this is anything you will overcome and you will end up settling for your husband when he could be finding someone that will be true to only him.


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## Single Malt

OhGeesh said:


> One of the most realistic cheater posts ever!! The people on this forum will tear you apart I'm not even going to read the responses, but no doubt the same old rhetoric will be spewed. *"You don't love your husband, you aren't even in a marriage any more, by all means leave you husband so he can move on and find someone worth his time!"*


And I take it that is an invalid point of view to you?


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## dsGrazzl3D

2 things first 


bfree said:


> You only have one choice if you want to save any semblance of a life for yourself. End your affair now! Get away from your lover and never see him again. You need to quit your job or demand an immediate transfer asap. You don't have the luxury of waiting.
> 
> One other question you should be asking yourself. Does your job support your marriage or does your marriage support your job?


:iagree::iagree::iagree: TOTALLY AGREE! Your vow to this man for life or your income & job?!?! I've never heard a person feel that money was more important than a spouse! (_`At least not any sane logical person whom has any dignity_). 



Stuck8686 said:


> I'm making plans to come clean with him after he gets his work submitted on Wednesday because as you have all said-- it is much more decent that he hears it from me than discovers it elsewhere.


SO ... Stuck any update?!?!... How did coming clean for 2nd time work out!?!?


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