# I feel like he is coasting through our marriage...



## marriagetakeswork (Oct 30, 2012)

Thank you for reading this! I am just going to put my drama out there. I am trying to figure out my next move, and carefully consider my situation. If no kids were involved, this decision would be so easy. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We are in our early 30s. We have 3 kids. Our youngest is 2, right now I am a SAHM, currently trying to find a job. I had a hysterectomy 6 months ago (beginnings of uterine cancer) had some infection problems after that delayed my healing, but now that I am finally back to normal I am able to start working and contributing. My husband works, but his trade is slow right now and he has less work than usual, so we have been struggling to try to make ends meet. To be completely honest, we never really had what I would consider a great marriage. We have had good times, but at times our marriage felt like a train wreck. We have been through A LOT, but I keep trying and remind myself to live for today and just put my whole self into my marriage. First, I should say…I know I am not perfect. I have my moments. I have depression, I started taking a low dose of antidepressant 2 years ago to help me with postpartum issues, and because of the huge benefits I have seen in taking it I have decided to continue using it. My husband has thrown it in my face during arguments, that I’m crazy because I take medication, blah blah blah. It hurts, but I know I’m not crazy so whatever. He smokes a few things to help him stay calm…I won’t elaborate, but it’s a factor in the situation of course.

My reasons for wishing I wasn’t married to my husband. 1) After experiencing some sad moments over the years from his anger, my husband has improved and tries, but still won’t see a counselor or anything. He is a big guy, very “old school”…so it can get ugly when he gets mad. My dad and brother flipped out on him recently and basically threatened his life for losing his cool and busting up my bathroom when I was recovering from my surgery 2) The money situation is not fair. I have to ask for money, we are struggling, but I compensate by using coupons, 99 cent stores, thrift stores, etc. I am pretty frugal, meanwhile he will come home with an old car (literally, he did that last month), or a car part for his lowrider just because it was a good deal or a good opportunity. 3) He doesn’t value my efforts. I am a SAHM, a darn good one in my opinion  I keep our sex life eventful, I keep our house clean all the time, I cook, keep up with the laundry, greet him at the door every day, etc. I volunteer at my kids school and write the school newsletter, I’m my sons cub scout leader, my daughters girl scout co leader, my youngest sons Sunday School teacher. 4) I feel like we have separate lives, he has no problem going to parties or dinners without me. I go to church, scouts, archery, etc. alone with the kids. I have figured out a way to offer my kids opportunities that I can’t afford by exchanging my time and fundraising. Basically my point is, I’m not working, but I’m working for him. I’m not a lazy wife that just sits around all day, and I have a two year old to keep up with. 5) He hates my mom, and the feeling is kind of mutual for her. He isn’t respectful and it’s really hard to deal with. 6) Oftentimes, I feel like a single mom already. It hurts a little at times when I look around at the dads helping their wives with the kids at events or competitions, and I’m always on my own. 7) He wants me to work to help out financially, I can work definitely, but last time I started working a weekend office job to “help out”, he bought a 16,000 classic car on payments. Basically those three years I worked, 12/8 shifts Saturday and Sunday helped pay off that car. We didn’t pay off debt like I got the job for, he just added new debt to the situation. 8) I am told that I am a patient person, love is patient, right? But I am just getting tired. I can handle that he doesn’t cherish me and all that fairytale stuff. But I feel like a work horse sometimes. 9) I feel like he is walking casually through life, and I am like a buzzing bee darting and circling around him filling in the gaps, and doing everything. 

I want my kids to have the security of having both parents living together, but I also want to show them a good example of what a marriage should be like. I wish my husband treated me better, loved and supported me more. He is very hard on me, and it’s getting more difficult to stick it out for the kids. I feel like I am getting by, by not expecting anything from him so I won’t be disappointed or hurt. But that’s a difficult way to live. 

Thank you for taking the time to read about my situation. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.


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## Complexities (Oct 25, 2012)

I wonder if there is any reason you want to stay other than for the image to your kids and finances. Is there anything you like about him at all?? If not, it seems like it would likely just get worse?


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## CoolMom (Oct 31, 2012)

If you don't like nothing about him at all, why are you staying? I never understood it. :scratchhead:


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

As a guy, one thing I have to ask: have you told him directly all of this? I don't mean subtle hints or "he should know" type discussions. I have found that women are far better at inferences than men.

The only reason I say that is because if he doesn't know you are unhappy, how is he supposed to try and do anything about it? Have you told him you want to go to parties with him, that you and the kids would love it if he participated in their activites, that you just need his help?

I believe everyone deserves a chance, you obviously liked him enough to get married and have his children. If you have not been direct, perhaps it is time to be direct with him. If you have expressed yourself directly and things still have not changed, it might be time to evaluate the marriage. 

It is never good for children to be in an unhappy marriage, they learn from what they see. If all they see is dad taking advantage of mom and she is just taking it, what are they taking away from that? That it is okay for men to be hard on women? Staying for the children only works if there is respect between the couple, which it does not seem you have.

If you do decide you are done, make sure you develop a plan for the end of your marriage instead of shooting from the hip. You will need a job, a place to go, and hopefully some savings to make it. From the sounds of it, your husband will be a bitter person and will make a divorce a living hell. Don't expect him to be nice or help you at all.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Yup. Us men can be idiots. Be blunt. Tell him the marriage is on the line and divorce will happen soon if something's don't change. But only tell him this if you are willing to accept him changing and fixing the wrong things in the marriage. My wife felt the same way about me and let it build for months before she finally just told me she's leaving, and when I heard that I wanted to make the changes, but she was no longer willing to accept them. 

I'm not sure where you are int he process, but if you want to try, you need to be blunt. Men can be very obtuse and we do block out emotion on purpose. My wife will quote me when she would tell me she was unhappy I would say "Why?" and yes, I really didn't understand. If she had given me some concrete suggestions then maybe things would be different. Or maybe they'd be the same, but at least she wouldn't have needed to find it in another man which just adds a whole another level of hurt...


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