# Being "just friends" with women, can that happen?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I was reading the long thread in the mens section about "friend zone", and it seems targeted mostly at women, but I feel as though I need to some ideas in how to maintain a friendship or at least convey that is all it is without making a mess! 

It seems with the demise of my last relationship, this "on the market" deal is getting old. Women that I have known a long time, have a blast with, etc, are letting their "feelings slip out", and I am no "ladies man" to even know how to handle it. Honestly, if I was a complete dik, I guess I could line them up as sexual partners, but I really don't want that. 

So I 'finally' went to a function last night where everyone there knows me and my ex well. I have one women that is my friend's ex pretty much try to glue herself to me, then another that is just a blast to hang out with but certainly not a romantic interest, proclaim that "I pretty much have always found you insanely attractive".. ... It was sort of a surprise attack, luckily she looked away after that, and I literally had NO words!!! I sat there in silence, then just got up. 

I figure someone will think this is some grand standing ego thread, but honestly, I would just like some women to talk to, but appears that cannot happen. The married ones think I am trying to hit on them or their husbands probably think I am trying to weasel in, the good looking ones probably think I even care if they are or are not interested (I don't have automatic interest just because they look good), and the lesser attractive ones feel if I talk and have fun with them, that must mean I want more. 


Is there some smoke signal I can offer up that says "I do not want to go beyond friends with you but I want to be really comfortable as that"?

And on a sort of tangent, I decided to visit a local club. Down the street, higher class place, no biggy really. Even back in my early 20s I learned that going alone can sometimes work out really well. I just went, barely even ordered a drink at the bar, and some less attractive women approached me that I needed to meet her friend..... I was like &hit, how do I get out of this!!?? I guess I sort of asked for it walking into a club but why do the less attractive ones ruin my night? I went with her to meet her friend, instantly knew there was nothing there, and was then trying to figure out a reason to leave the scene. All while there was a table of smoking cute women behind them, alone!!!! My world. 

I don't think I was born to be a total a&&hole to women and I never know how to get out of these situations. I mean, in a perfect world I would like to go "take a peek at the friend" and turn around and say "nah"......lol Such a hard thing to do! Then I would go back to being alone at the bar?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

For some it can be but not for me. I view every women as a potential mate. Does not mean I will have sex with them. Just means that I view them that way and never as a friend. I have had only three relationships in my life. The first two cheated on me with my friends because I allowed them to be friends of my girlfriends too. My best friend and best man at my wedding, lost his wife to a male friend of hers. Men can say what they want, but when it comes to emotions and sex, I would not trust any of them. My ex fiancée had sex with a wimpy guy who came out as gay later on. He never played a sport in his life or had been in a fight. They were friends because they shared some of the same female interests as my ex and ended up stoned one night and having sex.

All I can say is that I am a very alpha male, old version and not the new version. The guys I hung out with were jocks and ex combat vets like me. We had battle scars from both combat and otherwise. None of us ever had a female friend. What would we have in common? It is common for guys who are afraid of rejection to become friends first. That is much easier to do than become a boyfriend or girlfriend. Most times the transition from friend to boyfriend does not happen. You get trapped in the friend zone. However, that may not stop the male from thinking that he will have sex with the girl at some point. A few drinks to get rid of inhibitions and a lot can happen. This is why my wife has no male friends. She can socialize with men at a social function where there are other married couples but not alone without me, or with me for that matter. It is not one sided either. I do not socialize with women or go to places where alcohol is served and there are girls around. We saw what happened to our good friends that we saw each week. The husband left his wife for a female friend of his. When his wife saw that the female was acting like more than just a friend she told her husband that he cannot see her anymore. He agreed, but kept seeing her in secret and then left his wife. Just friends. Just friends. BTW, we are married for 46 years so we must be doing something right.


More than half of marriages end in divorce. The number of cheating spouses is more than that. With such poor odds why tempt fate? Think about it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Yep, that friend zone thing really got to me because while it seems much more common that men try to move in as "friends" because they have some backbone issue, I genuinely like having female friends. Not like the ones that go everywhere with just you, or some blurry line situation, just good friends. 

No, I don't consider myself a beta, and if I have genuine interest, I would not seek friendship at all because that is a good way to screw with my head. Actually if I am interested but know they are not, I sure wish I could say "I get it, no problem, now stop being a cold bit&* to me and just be social." 

Or maybe that is more my problem. I can't be a di&* to women and being nice apparently means I want them....

It was interesting last night, was talking briefly to a friend's wife. She is pretty but I certainly would never cross that line. Her husband quickly grabbed her up. I sort of laughed to myself as I must have seemed like a threat. I was just trying to talk. This is small town stuff, everyone is friendly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On this attractive, less attractive thing....

Knock it off.

It is so 'unbecoming'. Something worthy of High School.

All women are wonderful. Choose one who is most compatible. 
External beauty is but one facet of a women.

I could list them but my pen will run out of ink.

On the friendship thing.
Talk to them like a friend, treat them like a friend.
They will eventually be your friend or move on.

Yes, most will move on. Most, it seems, in your circle are looking for a long term relationship.

Start with one of those internet dating programs.
State what you want.

Give your good qualities, send your photo.
Tell them you want a friend, not a sack mate.

You will get a friend. I hope you can manage her.
I really do.

Opposite sex friends have their own needs, they rarely line up to yours.
Being single will help immensely.

Stop being so shy.









The Host-


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

If you can't be friends with a woman then that's on you.

No reason why you can't be friends with a human being?

Just like you can't be friends with every male you meet, you need to have common interests and some compatibility.

But if you can't then don't force it...not every woman is trying to have sex with every man walking.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know, if you want friends, just go hang out with the guys. 

I am not sure what the issue is. You want to be friends with girls that want to date you? 

Look, there is nothing wrong with telling a woman that you do not want to be in a relationship right now. 

I actually have women that are friends, several in fact. If I was not in a relationship yeah, I would bang them, but that is not the reason that I am friends with them. 

I mean you are a grown man, you can say, sorry hun, I don't want to really date right now. 

Before this one, I actually took 6 weeks off dating, and I mean NO women at all, it sucked. 

And, I had no trouble telling woman that I was not dating or screwing for a while.

But you know there is also not anything wrong with meeting women and casually screwing them either.

Listen I have women hit on me all the time, and I am not forced to screw all of them, yeah it is great for the ego, but it is not an issue. 

I guess I am asking what the problem is...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I have (always had) many women friends, and I don't see why it is a problem for some people. Some have always been platonic, some have been former girlfriends or flings, and some from both groups may even - someday -become lovers or girlfriends (again). All I need is a mutual interest or two, and mutual respect, along with the ability to maintain any boundaries to which we agree. I am more cautious with any who have been platonic but may now be interested in more, as I don't want to possibly lose a good friend for a fling that may fail.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> If you can't be friends with a woman then that's on you.
> 
> No reason why you can't be friends with a human being?
> 
> ...


I would be sad if half the cool humans in the world were off limits to befriend simply because they were a different gender.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yes and no.
Clear as mud. 😊


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm confused, OP. You seem to start out by saying that women are always after you for a relationship when all you really want is a friend. Then, you end up complaining that women you don't find attractive are taking up too much of your time.

So...are you looking for friends, or are you looking for hot women to date. The two aren't mutually exclusive, of course. But you might find that if all you really want is a friendship, striking up that friendship with a woman you're not attracted to might actually be a good place to start....

Oh, and learn to be clear. If someone you're not interested in is hitting on you, just politely say, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested." Then, you don't have a "less attractive one" wasting your time. You know, while you're out trolling for women to be "just friends" with. 

:slap:


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

I am male, one of my best friends is female. She was there for me during my divorce and when I found out my XWW was ****ing a guy from her work. We knew each other in high school and kept in touch on Facebook, and she was there for me in a way no one else was.

Our friendship has never been sexual. We both made that clear to each other from the start.

Last month I flew to Vegas for her wedding, and was her husband's best man. I encouraged her to explore a relationship with him some years back, and now they're married. I held the rings while we were all in a pool, drinks in hand, as a group of five good friends held the wedding in nothing but our swimming trunks.

It was glorious.

So yes. Men can easily be friends with women. 

It may be harder when a man is attracted to that woman, but again, I've been there before too. I kept it firmly on friendship footing until this other woman became available, at which point I made her my girlfriend. Had she not become available, I would have stayed just friends with her.

I think it's more about impulse control than anything else. Some people have it, some don't.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Unless a work female acquaintance it's never been good practice to foster a female relationship you'd go out and spend time with. That's the very description of a date of you will. No one in a marriage would correctly say, they could tell their W they're going to meet and run around with another woman without it being a problem. If someone thinks it's ok to hurt their wife even if wife starts out saying it's ok....they're not considering their wife's feelings, and that's always wrong.

Pre marriage every female friend I had beyond work I eventually fooled around with. It isn't good to politically correct this topic and say "sure, no problem, I'm married but it's ok".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, you're trying to figure out how to deliberately get friend-zoned?

You say you want a relationship but you want to take it slow because the plumbing isn't working right off the bat. You want female friends but all they want is to get you into the sack. You're sending out mixed messages. 

The fact is, you are afraid of commitment which is why you find yourself in this spot yet again.

Find a girl who likes to attend ball games with you and turns into a six-pack at midnight. That should fulfill all of your requirements.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Meet people through activities and develop social circles. It will be great to get on some (informal) social director's e-mail string as those are the types to round people up for happy hours and other activities.

Your behavior will be able to communicate a lot. Friend people on social media but don't let any one person dominate your wall; don't get into texting marathons with women; don't let women act overly familiar around you ; in other words, be friendly but at arms' length.


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## Johann Sebastian (Mar 20, 2018)

How about this as a rule of thumb: do you have sexual fantasies about your female friend? The answer to that question will inform whether or not you can/should maintain a "just friends" friendship with that woman.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When you hang out with these women make sure you use the term "JUST friends" to signify your relationship. Women use that term all the time and know what it means. Also, if you want only platonic don't treat them like you'd treat a date. For example, when you go out don't pay their bill, don't dress up to impress them, feel free to chat about other women you find attractive, don't be instantly available when they call....essentially, treat them the way you'd treat any of your male friends.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Bananapeel said:


> When you hang out with these women make sure you use the term "JUST friends" to signify your relationship. Women use that term all the time and know what it means. Also, if you want only platonic don't treat them like you'd treat a date. For example, when you go out don't pay their bill, don't dress up to impress them, feel free to chat about other women you find attractive, don't be instantly available when they call....essentially, treat them the way you'd treat any of your male friends.


to continue this theme, don't let outings go into the next day, so try to prevent situations in which you or she might want to spend the night (ie out late, drank too much.......)

also when you can, suggest introducing them to someone eligible. 

Try to go out in groups. Showing up and leaving party together is going to look like a date...... so you know what to do.....


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

My best friend is a woman,we’ve been friends for over fifteen years.
We lived together for a few years,we traveled all over the world together and shared a bed on numerous occasions.
We have never had any sexual relationship whatsoever and she is now good friends with my fiancée and she is our daughters godmother.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> My best friend is a woman,we’ve been friends for over fifteen years.
> We lived together for a few years,we traveled all over the world together and shared a bed on numerous occasions.
> We have never had any sexual relationship whatsoever and she is now good friends with my fiancée and she is our daughters godmother.


She's also gay though.

And although there are gay people who will still have sex with an opposite sex person, gay women who are friends with straight men typically are truly "just friends". No need for a friend zone, even, they are just honestly friends.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> My best friend is a woman,we’ve been friends for over fifteen years.
> We lived together for a few years,we traveled all over the world together and shared a bed on numerous occasions.
> We have never had any sexual relationship whatsoever and she is now good friends with my fiancée and she is our daughters godmother.


I'm glad to read that there are exceptions to the rule on these matters. The point here is to help a poster understand how their behavior can be interpreted and how to safely navigate the social situation.

there have been times when even I have broken my own rules because someone has turned out to be trustworthy.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think you can consider "just friends" in two different ways:

1. Currently behaving as friends with no sexual undertones, but the possibility exists that things could change
2. Would never-ever-never even consider sex no matter the circumstances.

If you think of (heterosexual) same-sex friends, very likely there is absolutely no chance of anything sexual happening regardless of the timing or situation. Single, attractive SS friends can stay in a secluded vacation spot for a week and neither will have any desire for anything to happen. And if one person were to make a move, very likely the other person would strongly rebuff it. That's not always the case for opposite-sex friends. If two (heterosexual) OS friends were to be in a similar situation, it's a lot more likely that one or both of them would want things to cross a line.

I think OS can be friends in both ways listed above, but I think the most common scenario is the first (no sexual aspect currently but possibly open to them if things change) versus the less common second scenario (absolutely never any sexual aspect no matter what).


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