# Does she really want it to work?



## dwillis08 (Feb 16, 2012)

I'd prefer the best advice you have on this. I will shorten the story as much as possible for all of you. Feedback will be heartfelt.

Me and the wife married 13 years. We also have three wonderful children. The first ten I was a complete idiot. I made alot of mistakes which i know i can never take back. I ended up leaving her at the ten year mark. (you dont have to criticisize me, I truly know i did a number on her and will never forgive myself). 

She kept after me while i was gone. So we were seperated for a while during the time i was trying to get my head straight. I started sleeping with a friend. My wife and i also started dating at the same time. Over time (and yes i know im horrible for it) but i eventually cut all other women off and told my wife i was ready to be devoted to her. I told her of my mistakes also. It took a little time but not long and she agreed that we should stay together and make this work.

However during the seperation was when she decided to go to school and start a career. She wanted my support through this so i gave it to her. The complication was that i had to live on base while she was at her university two hours away with the kids. I travel every weekend to be with them. It has to be this way until she finishes. Just one of the hassles of being a military family. i thought things were going fine though.

So three weeks ago she called me at work to tell me that she kissed one of her classmates. She complained of how much stress she was under and also that it meant absolutely nothing. I've kept asking about it and she keeps telling me she hates this guy but that due to their field of study they will almost always be working together. I said ok I trust you. and i swear im trying. i truly believe it was just a kiss.

Theres a few other catches here tho. She says she is now dealing with the anger of the stuff i had done. She never dealt with properly before cause she wanted us together. She also says she is dealing with rape that happened when she was 17. She had never dealt with that either. She shows all the signs of what i understand to be a rape victim. I am trying to be supportive as possible. I wont quit on her. But now she is scared, nervous, and agitated constantly. She went to planned parenthood (since we dont have alot of money) to get a pap smear she hadnt had for five years. She also said she wanted an STD test since she didnt get one when i told her about my affairs two years ago. Then she said at that time that it was mandatory for them to give a pregnancy test. I was upset about that because i have been snipped for a while now.

She says she is scared of being raped again, which i believe. She says she cannot handle having anymore children at all. And she knows of people who have been snipped and it has failed on occasion. So i understand. But then a week later she told me she had lied about why she got the pregnacy test. She said it was because she requested to be on birth control. She keeps saying she scared of having another kid. I cant help that this confuses me. The timing is not right.

Ok so heres more. She ended seperating herself in class from this other guy. A few days later the proffessor put him and her on a big project together along with a few other students. The project has to be done in a garage. We r the only ones with a garage so this guy gets to work on this thing with her at my house when im miles away. She wont change this because she doesnt want to lose the respect of her proffs. And then today she tells me she chose classes for next quarter and one TA job. The thing about the TA job is that there are two TA's. Well take a guess who the other one is. Im confused but im trying to trust but there are so many things pointing to more and i hate that im feeling this way even though im sure i deserve it.

On to us. She seems to be trying. She says the only way this wont work is if i give up. Just to give her space. I've been taking the kids on the weekends so she can relax and breathe. She even wanted to go out on Valentines so i took her out and it was a wonderful date. I need opinions not based on grudges or anything. Is there nothing with this other guy like she claims. Should i let it go. How much of him being in our lives do i have to tolerate. I dont know. Please help.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You can go get a test that will provide you with a sperm count. If your V worked, it will be zero. If her pregnancy anxiety continues AFTER you show her the results, then it is likely because she is having an affair.






dwillis08 said:


> I'd prefer the best advice you have on this. I will shorten the story as much as possible for all of you. Feedback will be heartfelt.
> 
> Me and the wife married 13 years. We also have three wonderful children. The first ten I was a complete idiot. I made alot of mistakes which i know i can never take back. I ended up leaving her at the ten year mark. (you dont have to criticisize me, I truly know i did a number on her and will never forgive myself).
> 
> ...


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## dwillis08 (Feb 16, 2012)

Thats a good idea. Thank you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The timing and the coincidences of her std test and her confessing to kissing the guy are bit too close for comfort.

One thing the cheaters do is confess half truths to their partner , so that they don't feel as guilty. Be aware that this is a possibility. Just because she is confessing does not mean that she told you the whole truth. OK?
Don't let your own guilt about how you treated her blindside you(I see a lot of it in your posts)

Being with a guy she cheated you with in the same project? Absolutely no way. If I were you , I would make sure that they are indeed in the same project first and if there are other members too. And they would be using your garage when you aren't in your home? Even then, I wouldn't be surprised if only two of them ended up working in the garage one day. Too many red flags dude, way too many. The professor email should be in the university site and tell her that you would contact him if it was the case. 

After all this, she ends up as the fellow TA with this guy? Don't you think there one too many coincidences here? If it hasn't already, this definitely will end up in a PA/EA. You might even have a chance to nip it in the bud if you take the right steps now.


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## dwillis08 (Feb 16, 2012)

Well your right. They are too close for comfort. She gets upset that i dont believe her. She says she wants me and no one else. And shes trying but just needs space to accept the things i did wrong. I am giving her that. We talk daily and have dinner together each time i take the kids. She wants me to actually stay at home next weekend. I will sleep on the couch of course cause she is still hesitant about being touched due to her trauma.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hide some VARs around the house and in the garage. There are some red flags here that would leave me unsettled.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Well she could be totally innocent but cheaters usually deny their husband during affairs. So there is one more red flag that you should be concerned. Her privacy(if she is innocent) vs Possible heart break for you. Hard choice either way. You choose.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

So, she's arguing that she was raped 15 years ago, then married you and had a normal sex life for 10-12 years, and now she's afraid of being touched by you, yet also afraid of getting pregnant? That doesn't make sense.

Yes, there are red flags galore regarding her and the other man. A poster in another thread wrote something that I think applies here. If she says they talked about work, they talked about sex. If she says they went out for coffee, they went on a date. If she says they kissed, she gave him a BJ. If she says they cuddled, they had sex.

I suggest you go home this weekend and do some snooping. Check her email/Facebook. Put a keylogger on her PC. Check her phone for past texts. Check your cell phone bill to see whether she's calling/texting this guy at midnight. Put a voice-activated recorder in the bedroom and another in her car. I have a hunch you're going to catch her doing something.

Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Actually that is a sensitive topic(rape). We don't know if it is genuine or not(looks a bit fake to me too). It is better to be on the safe side regarding such stuff


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## dwillis08 (Feb 16, 2012)

Thank you all so far. She still says there is nothing and seems to be working on us. I have thought about keyloggers and voice recorders though. I think it would give me peice of mind but at the cost of breaking her trust. Idunno. But thank you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If your in the military, why isn't she covered for medical?

The std and pregnancy tests are too far out there to be beloved. Dude, she has cheated and it sounds like she was worried about what the guy might have.

The fact she is now going on BC shows she is planning on doing it more and unprotected.

Time to hold her accountable. Perhaps even time to spend a few $ on VARs and a polygraph.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dwillis08 (Feb 16, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dwillis08 (Feb 16, 2012)

Shaggy. Ty. The insurance works differently since she is not near a base. Its a different kind that costs more. I believe I am being extremely tolerant with her. The no sex part is because she says the rape feels fresh and she is extremely scared and she really does show all the signs. The std check was bc she was never checked out after I had my indiscretions. Make sense? Its a tough spot to b in for either of us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

this is pretty cut & dry bro.

you got very big problems.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

dwillis08 said:


> Shaggy. Ty. The insurance works differently since she is not near a base. Its a different kind that costs more. I believe I am being extremely tolerant with her. The no sex part is because she says the rape feels fresh and she is extremely scared and she really does show all the signs. The std check was bc she was never checked out after I had my indiscretions. Make sense? Its a tough spot to b in for either of us
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, it doesn't check out. If she was worried about you having an std she would ave ask you to get the test.

I honestly think you are being played here. Yeah you screwed up, sounds like you came clean owned up to it,

She needs IC not an affair. Trouble is she sounds like she has gone with the affair and is using your past as an excuse to gaslight you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

If I have been raped previously, scared that it could happen again and were confronted with the option of living on base with my husband and kids or get a career and be away from my husband - I would do whatever it takes to stay as close to my husband as possible because he would make sure I don't get raped again and I'm sure you would do that same! Correspondence courses are an option, especially if you are military! You'd have peace of mind, she'd have protection and your kids would have a their parents together - a win for everyone.

Assuming the rape happened before you got married, it was at least 13 years and 2 children ago but you sleep on the couch NOW because she doesn't want to be touched?

For whatever reason, she has put as much distance between herself and you as she possibly can and was kissing another guy at the same time. On top of that she wants to be on birth control and had a STD test. None of this makes any sense at all.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

dwillis08 said:


> Thank you all so far. She still says there is nothing and seems to be working on us. I have thought about keyloggers and voice recorders though. I think it would give me peice of mind but at the cost of breaking her trust. Idunno. But thank you.


Your problem is that you're believing her crap. When you were sleeping with other women, were you honest with your wife about it? I can tell you that, if your wife is cheating, and there are several indicators that she is, there is absolutely no chance in hell that she is going to be honest with you and admit to it. So why are you putting your faith in her words?

Do yourself a favor and start investigating her. If she finds the keylogger, or VAR, then tell the truth and say that you're very concerned about her spending so much time with this guy that she has already admitted to crossing the line with. Any wife who kisses another man (or more) and then gets angry with her husband for being concerned is either crazy or hiding something.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its revenge pure and simple.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Well she could be totally innocent but cheaters usually deny their husband during affairs. So there is one more red flag that you should be concerned. Her privacy(if she is innocent) vs Possible heart break for you. Hard choice either way. You choose.


Not a choice at all. Privacy is sacrificed when you get married.


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