# Tired Of Initiating Sex with Husband



## amoresperros (Feb 9, 2012)

I've been with my husband for 9 years (married 3). I was in my early 20s when I met him, a virgin, physically fit and feeling great about myself. He was a few years older and had several girlfriends before me. In the beginning, it seemed my husband couldn't get enough of me. He was doting, complimentary, affectionate ... he was the one who would initiate sex with me. Well, within a pair of months the tables turned. I was the one always initiating sex, kissing, complimenting him ... just trying to make him feel good and show him how much I was attracted to him. I'd say we would have sex about 60 to 70 percent of the time that I initiated (he would never initiate). Almost every time, I'd give oral sex before penetration and he would stimulate me with his fingers. This is where I start with but ....
1) Only once or twice has he given me oral sex. I've told him that I've fantasized about him doing it but he never goes down on me and by this point, I'm embarrassed to ask. For those that might say why don't I just tell him ... well, he's never asked me to give him oral sex but he gives me the signs that it's what he wants -- he'll never vocalize it or anything else sexually for that matter -- I've asked him to. (Note: I've given him a full blow job without expecting anything in return due to my period)
2) He will stimulate me with his fingers (after I give him oral) but he doesn't seem that into it. I don't expect him to touch me immediately afterward, but he sure does his take time to start. Also, giving him a blow job takes some work as he prefers to be lying down. My neck gets strained as do my wrists from supporting my weight. When he stimulates me ... he stays laying down, rarely turns towards me or looks at me. He might be concentrating on keeping his erection (not sure) but sometimes he does lose it and I have to stimulate him orally again.
3) He rarely compliments, hugs, kisses me (or grope for that matter) or tells me he loves me. Last year I think he complimented me about 3 or 4 times. Whereas I do this all time time, not just to say it but because I genuinely feel it. He's always jokingly saying that I don't love him (at least 2x a week) and I always tell him that I do ... that I love and adore him.

Okay, sorry for being so long winded. Since our baby was born several months ago, I've really put a halt on pursuing him as much as I was. I've told him that it hurts to give so much of me and not receive the same attention from him. This isn't new information that I'm sharing with him. Also, I've tried a few times before baby to withhold my affection and sex initiation, but usually caved in. Since the baby was born, I've been a lot more firm on this. We've had a few times since the baby was born, but mostly because he initiated in the middle of the night while I was asleep. I've never rejected his advances but he has mine so many times. We didn't have sex to celebrate our wedding anniversary until probably 4 days later. 

So my question is, what do I do? I've started to become resentful that telling him I love him isn't so easy. Do I revert to being the one showering him with the attention so that we lead a more "normal" sex life? Should I try talking to him once again?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

It won't ever change unless you can talk about it and find some understanding. After 26 years of what you have described, but basically evolving toward no sex at all I stopped initiating. We started counseling and are trying to identify both of our unmet needs. We have not had sex in 8 months and have not made love in a year and a half. The pity sex stings. I have written a three page letter telling my wife what damage a thousand rejections can do. I don't think she ever thought of that but that doesn't mean it will change. Patterns become fairly well entrenched. I love intimacy but can easily live without it if my ambivalence is what finally shines some light on the problem. I am afraid you will have to actively fix this and there lots of strategies to be found in these forums. It will probably take both of you to fix it because it took two of you to create the problem. He will have his side of the story just as my wife does.


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## amoresperros (Feb 9, 2012)

Thanks Cre8ify. I am going to try talking to him but after Valentines. I've already put myself in the mindset not to expect anything from him this year so that I don't become disappointed. I'm not giving up completely on this V-Day though. I asked him the other day if he'd like for me to plan something (no answer from him) so that he can't come back and say that I'm not putting forth any effort. I'm not going to initiate sex but I will try to something special like plan dinner.
I'm sure he has a story for why he is the way he is but who knows if tell me. I try to get him to tell me what on his mind / is bothering him but he rarely shares -- I feel that he's passive aggressive. 
I was reading something awhile back about the 5 languages of love and was going to use that a way to start the conversation. I really hope we can have a dialogue and move forward. I know he likes my attention, I just don't understand why he doesn't like or feel comfortable showing me any? He's a lot like his mother (she seems to be a little detached) and the complete opposite of his father (extrovert) but hey, it's not like I grew up in a home where we talked about our feelings (it was the exact opposite) and yet, I've put myself out there.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Perhaps he doesn't give you attention because he doesn't know you need it. My wife would be content with probably no physical contact at all. It was only when I decided that I have to love myself too and am not willing to live out my life this way that we got any help. I was not raising hell and begging her for sex and have not been for a while as I am a bit too beaten down for that and hopefully have a few shreds of self respect left. The one thing I could have done better is communicate more clearly. I am no kind of victim and I hate to whine so thats not a good role for me. Our MC told me that plenty of couples can have long happy relationships with limited intimacy. I asked her if she has ever seen that when one of the couple is unsatisfied. The answer is no. Moving apart and ending in a bad place. I think it is worth dealing with and I am giving it my all but its weird that I can already feel the grieving.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

He won't have much of an urge to help you finish after he's already orgasmed. A gentleman would see to his wife first. Actually, it's just good sex technique, because after orgasming a woman is often even hornier than she was to begin with; but after male orgasm it's time to sleep. A smart guy gets her off first so she'll pay him back with greater enthusiasm. 

As for his lack of attraction, it could be a health thing. Or--and I hate to ask, but it is often a factor--have you gained weight?


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