# Married and confused



## average schmo (Apr 23, 2013)

We've been together for 15 years, married for most of them and I wonder if we're at the end of the line. We're both in our early 40's and have 2 elementary school kids together. It's always been my intent to keep our family together no matter how bad things got but she likes to drop the "D" word during all of our recent disagreements and has requested that I take off for awhile on a couple of those occasions (but those are always at awkward times and where am I going to go without planning?). 

We started going to therapy about 5 years ago when I learned that she was having an online sex chat with some dude and were planning to meet for real. The physical affair never materialized and therapy set us on the right track... for awhile. 

We used to have boundaries where neither of us could make new friends of the opposite sex. I didn't have a problem with that but a few years later she is talking with at least 3 new guys. This came up in therapy and she said she'd drop 2 of them but the 3rd was ugly and a good friend. Turns out she had an affair with #3 (which she said only happened once) and was carrying on phone calls and emails afterwards. I've always been skeptical that it was just 1 guy, 1 time considering she lied about the 1 time for months when I suspected it and questioned her about it ("no, of course not"). I was lucky to get evidence from #3's wife of all places!

So after she copped to the affair (when confronted with the evidence), we spent plenty of more time in therapy. She convinced me not to leave and I didn't want to but my trust in her is not even close to where it should be. I tell her that I trust her, but deep down, I'd have to be crazy to actually do it.

Her main issue with me is that I have a hard time communicating my feelings. I try, but it's just not in my nature. So she used that resentment of me to explain the affair. Although we've repaired some of the damage I certainly haven't forgotten and our sex life has suffered-- and it's mostly on me. I guess I'm just not into her the way I used to be, maybe the affair has made her less desirable to me. 

Over the years she's developed a book of resentments of me-- nothing I do is good enough, I'm not a good enough father, I'm not a good enough husband, my political views are too extreme for her .... we don't like the same music). Of course I take offense at most of that but I'm not supposed to be defensive in our talks. 

I'm not sure what I should do, stay, leave, wait for her to kick me to the curb? I'm not even sure what I want at this point.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Schmoe, seems like you have a major compatibility problems there, of which the only reasonable cure is divorce. So sorry for being pessimistic, I hope optimists people will chime in to counterbalance my pessimism.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I guess the question is if she hates you so much and can't stand anything you do, why hasn't SHE left? I supposed she did, in a way, through the affairs.

Your problem with communication isn't going to help. You probably don't communicate boundaries very well and when they are breached, you don't communicate your displeasure well enough.

john lord b3 may be right. It sounds like she's just pushing you and pushing you until you go for the divorce. I suggest that you start that discussion with her. See where it leads. If she readily accepts that divorce is coming, you know she doesn't love you enough to fight for you. If she changes her tune, you may have a chance.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry Schmoo.

I really don't see a whole lot of positives to continuing this marriage.

She's cheated on you numerous times. She's destroyed your trust. She's put you at risk for STDs (BTW, have you been tested?) She's lied, has had nothing but disrespect for you for years now and she seems to hold YOU accountable for almost all the problems in the marriage? Oh Hel1 no!

It seems that your "undesirable" qualities of "hard time communicating your feelings" and "nothing I do is good enough, I'm not a good enough father, I'm not a good enough husband, my political views are too extreme for her .... we don't like the same music)"

Are you Fvcking kidding me? So in comparison, her multiple affairs and exposing you to a possible death sentence is her idea of an ideal mate (as long as he shares her love of her type of music)?

Sorry but I fail to see any redeeming qualities here


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

average schmo said:


> This came up in therapy and she said she'd drop 2 of them but the 3rd was ugly and a good friend.


Unacceptable. She cheated, she must do as you say in regard to ending communications with ALL of them. Besides, ugly guys have penises too.



average schmo said:


> Turns out she had an affair with #3


There you go. See my penis comment above. 



average schmo said:


> (which she said only happened once)


We _know_ it happened a lot more than once.



average schmo said:


> I tell her that I trust her


Why would you tell her you trust her when you don't for good reason?




average schmo said:


> So she used that resentment of me to explain the affair. [/qote]
> 
> She used the resentment as an excuse to justify the affair.
> 
> ...


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## average schmo (Apr 23, 2013)

northland said:


> Unacceptable. She cheated, she must do as you say in regard to ending communications with ALL of them. Besides, ugly guys have penises too.


Obviously true... my point was she lied about #3 being ugly to throw me off of the trail and to justify her friendship/affair. That's the problem, what can I believe when she has taken so many opportunities to lie when confronted.



northland said:


> We _know_ it happened a lot more than once.


That would be my guess as well but she'll never admit to any more than the one I know for sure. Convenient for her. I either accept that answer or not but only 2 people know for sure and I'm not one of them.



northland said:


> Why would you tell her you trust her when you don't for good reason?


Excellent point... probably because I know her so well that if I didn't that would just cause more problems for me! She has a way of redirecting blame towards me.



northland said:


> She used the resentment as an excuse to justify the affair.


It's actually worse than that... our therapist did as well! Not quite, but he stresses that resentments that aren't resolved can come out badly in terms of behavior. 



northland said:


> There is NEVER a justification for an affair. She's not happy with you, she talks to you about it and/or she divorces you and leaves. Then she can go screw someone else. Not before.
> 
> Kick HER to the curb.


That's always been my belief as well and I'm not entirely sure why I seem to be a glutton for punishment but it's probably because the unknown scares me.


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## average schmo (Apr 23, 2013)

Thanks all for the replies so far. My eyes 



Toffer said:


> I really don't see a whole lot of positives to continuing this marriage.


So far, all of the replies agree with you, sigh.




Toffer said:


> Are you Fvcking kidding me? So in comparison, her multiple affairs and exposing you to a possible death sentence is her idea of an ideal mate (as long as he shares her love of her type of music)?


Wish I had enough sense when the affair(s) went down to take the correct action... if only I found this forum sooner.





john_lord_b3 said:


> So sorry for being pessimistic, I hope optimists people will chime in to counterbalance my pessimism.


So far there hasn't been any counterbalance, I wonder how many pessimists it will take for me to take the necessary action.





Chris Taylor said:


> I guess the question is if she hates you so much and can't stand anything you do, why hasn't SHE left? I supposed she did, in a way, through the affairs.
> 
> Your problem with communication isn't going to help. You probably don't communicate boundaries very well and when they are breached, you don't communicate your displeasure well enough.
> 
> john lord b3 may be right. It sounds like she's just pushing you and pushing you until you go for the divorce. I suggest that you start that discussion with her. See where it leads. If she readily accepts that divorce is coming, you know she doesn't love you enough to fight for you. If she changes her tune, you may have a chance.


You raise some great points in there. I'm certainly not the best communicator with words. I usually rely on my actions-- which ironically and stunningly, she has increasingly been showing distrust for me! 

I stayed out late one night at a friends house and she accused me of the worst (even though it just a bunch of guys and all we did was talk and drink) and she insisted on seeing my text messages, etc... A week or so later I was using my computer and she accused me of chatting with a girl when I wasn't. She insisted that the way I was typing, I sh!t you not, _sounded_ like chatting! She had no visual evidence (obviously, since none existed) but her hearing is so wonderful it can identify chatting. Even our therapist thought that was absurd.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

average schmo said:


> I stayed out late one night at a friends house and she accused me of the worst (even though it just a bunch of guys and all we did was talk and drink) and she insisted on seeing my text messages, etc... A week or so later I was using my computer and she accused me of chatting with a girl when I wasn't. She insisted that the way I was typing, I sh!t you not, _sounded_ like chatting!
> 
> Typical case of transferance. She's doing it (or cheated in the past) so you must be too!
> 
> You said you wished you found this site earlier so you could have made the right decision. Regardless of the passage of time, it's STILL the right decision. Make It!


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## average schmo (Apr 23, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Typical case of transferance. She's doing it (or cheated in the past) so you must be too!
> 
> You said you wished you found this site earlier so you could have made the right decision. Regardless of the passage of time, it's STILL the right decision. Make It!


I'm torn... if I found this site after I found out the truth of the affair (which was several months after it actually occurred-- if I were to believe that it was a single event.... which I don't...) then I probably would've combined my immediate rage with the advice I'm getting here, bolted and never looked back. Instead I was in such shock and felt isolated and confused that by immediately returning to therapy it seemed that repairing the damage was ideal. Had I been better prepared/informed I would have refused the therapy and just left. 

Now, a couple years after, life goes on. Although I'm trying to work through it, it's hard to get over it. Some days, things are good, some days they suck. I love my kids and don't want to abandon them and if I leave I will certainly be seeing them far less. They still see us as "whole" and don't know about the pain that started a couple of years ago. We've done a reasonable job of shielding them from it. 

When we talk about our feelings nowadays, I usually don't know how to explain mine. I certainly was numb and hurt for a long time but now I'm not sure.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your gut is screaming at you

It's telling you that you've been lied to for years

Could you see yourself telling your wife that you're still having trouble getting passed it and that you'd like her to take a polygraph so you can lay your an jetties to rest?

Also always remember that given the option, kids would rather BE from a broken home than LIVE in one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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