# wife cheated on me and lies



## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Here's my story. I am an active duty military person. I moved from Georgia to Arizona in Jan of 2012. My wife and three step kids (we have been married for 8 years) stayed behind-my step kids are in high school and wanted to finish in georgia. Also, our marriage at the time was struggling. Anyway, my wife came to AZ for a week in june to start court proceedings to have her ex's parental rights stripped. It was a great week. We had great sex (1st for me in over a year and a half). She goes back to GA and i find out a short time later she was in the middle of an affair when she came out to AZ. She was texting him naked pictures of herself while she was here. She had my kids stay the night with friends the first night back so he could come over and have sex with her in my bed in my house. Oh, he lives 500 miles away in Virginia!!! Over the three month affair he made 15-16 trips!!!! She took my oldest daughter to VA to see him 'to do a tour of William and Mary'. They stayed in his house for three nights. She would sneek into his bedroom at night to have sex. (Very angry). Anyway, i found out through the phone records-hundreds of phone calls and thousands of texts. Confronted her and she admitted it. Lots of pain...short story is she decided to move to AZ to be with me and work on marriage...or so she said. She came out here and has been nothing but a ***** the whole time. Told me she never wanted to come here, hates it here, etc. Also, she told me she was going to tell me about the affair, but AFTER i adopted my step kids!!! Also, in the six weeks she has been here we have had sex 4 times-at my asking. She hasn't initiated once. Just lays there. No effort at all. I told her we needed joint counceling and made an appointment on a saturday and she got pissed because 'it took time away from her spending time with her girls'. Even though she was spending alot of time screwing her boyfreind who lived 500 miles away. Oh, the guy she was doing is the grandfather (late 50's, she is mid 40's) of my youngest daugters best friend in GA. Also, her BEST freind just happens to be this guys daughter as well. I'm very angry and hurt, mainly by the fact that she came all the way out here and now is just punishing me for making her move. We have finally a counseling appointment this saturday, but i don't know how to approach it. I'm tired of being in a one way relationship with a selfish person. She wasn't always like this. Any advice on how to move forward?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

First of all thank for your serves.

The most important guestion is she still in contact with the OM (other man)?

This is important cuz until the OM is completely out of the picture and NC (no contact) is confirmed the dynamics of the marriage will be infected.

In short you can't work on a marriage when the OM is still influencing your WW (wayward wife). There is no marriage until NC is comfirmed.

So work on NC confirmation and end the affiar...it may have gone underground and it may only be an EA (emotional affiar)now... thru emails and text. That has to stop 1st then you can work on the marriage.

The reason why I suspect the affair is still going on is her continued effert to make it seem like she is misserable, there by justifing the affair to continue thru emails and text.

So quitely investigate this possiblity. The information you gather might change your tactics on how you proceed with the marriage.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

She is with you just for the $,don't adopt kids let her ex pay child support,if you do she will probably continue cheating because she doesn't care if you divorce you will have to pay for child support.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm curoius, was the affair in VA exposed or did the WW and OM have a falling out, hence the move back to AZ with you?

Maybe she came out to AZ to let things cool down with the affair and she continues to act like a witch so she doesn't feel so guilt when WW starts it back up again and moves back to VA.

Is the OM married? 

Maybe the OMW (other mans wife) found out and WW got of dodge?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is the OM in the service?
Your wife shows no remorse. Only regret. Regret you found out. 

You didn't express your motivation for continuing this marriage?

Is it because you have issues too? If you've only have very limited sex with her prior to the AZ move, was it her way of punishing you for real or perceived transgressions on your part? 

Did you adopt her kids after all?


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> She wasn't always like this. Any advice on how to move forward?


Do you need a smack on the head to realize that you are grossly being taken advantage of?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> 1]*She goes back to GA and i find out a short time later she was in the middle of an affair when she came out to AZ. She was texting him naked pictures of herself while she was here. She had my kids stay the night with friends the first night back so he could come over and have sex with her in my bed in my house. Oh, he lives 500 miles away in Virginia!!! Over the three month affair he made 15-16 trips!!!! She took my oldest daughter to VA to see him 'to do a tour of William and Mary'. They stayed in his house for three nights. She would sneek into his bedroom at night to have sex. (Very angry). *
> 
> 2] *She came out here and has been nothing but a ***** the whole time. Told me she never wanted to come here, hates it here, etc. Also, she told me she was going to tell me about the affair, but AFTER i adopted my step kids!!!*
> 
> 3]*Also, in the six weeks she has been here we have had sex 4 times-at my asking. She hasn't initiated once. Just lays there. No effort at all. I told her we needed joint counceling and made an appointment on a saturday and she got pissed because 'it took time away from her spending time with her girls'. Even though she was spending alot of time screwing her boyfreind who lived 500 miles away. *


This woman is disrespecting you on every , single , level.
The parts highlighted shows the level of her disrespect.

She seems to be walking all over you.
I don't know if counselling can change that.
You need to change your approach.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

There are some great tips in the 'Stickies' section of this forum. 

First and foremost is that she must agree to No Contact with the other man. 

Second, if he is married, you need to contact his wife. After all, she should know. This also puts pressure on the other man to stop contacting your wife.

Your wife should agree to turn over all email passwords, FB passwords, cell phone texts, etc. 

Retain documentation of all of this, even if she starts acting nice.

There are threads talking about doing a 180 - start this immediately.

If she refuses to do any of these, file for divorce. She needs to understand these things are not negotiable.

I'd also reveal the affair to the Best Friend to put additional pressure on your wife and the other man.

Crap - this just sucks. I'm sorry you're here.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

ok, to reply to some of the posts. I am still dearly in love with my wife-although i may need a smack in the head. The affair ended because it was exposed. (by me) I looked at the cell phone bill one day and noticed the LARGE amount of phone calls. The OM is a retired officer working for the Department of Veterans Affairs (which gives that a whole new meaning for me) As far as I can tell the affair is over, but i have suspicions, which are centered around her 'best friend' and coincidentally the daughter of the man she was having the affiar with (the friend is 17 years her junior, the OM is about 12 years her senior). During the initial stages she was still calling and talking and texting the best friend every day. I didn't understand how this friend would still talk to her when she found out her friend (my wife) was screwing her dad. I believed that the friend was enabling and supporting my wife's affair. However, now i am not too sure. About two months ago the OM texted my wife out of the blue. This happened about a week before she moved to AZ. Also on the same day my wife had the last contact with the best friend (until recently). My wife insists the friend was 'just busy' and there is no reason why they suddenly stopped talking. (normal was 5-6 phone callss and 20-30 texts per day, now nothing). My wife at the time of this told me she realized she was being loyal to the wrong person (the friend) and apologized to me because she realized the only way the OM found out she was moving was through her friend. Fast forward to last week-now my wife says she only said the apology about being loyal to shut me up and she has been begging her friend to forgive her and telling her that she 'loves' her. So i beleive one of three things-the friend knew about the affiar and got mad at my wife because she left her dad for me, or the friend found out the affair was real and got mad at my wife for screwing her dad, or my wife was having an affair with the 'friend'.

The adoption is still in the works. Don't know what to do here. Kids supposedly don't know about the affair, they just know we are having serious issues. (because they got uprooted and moved in the middle of the school year with very little notice and they are 16, 15 and 12).

Also, she has send a 'gift' to the friend. Along with a pre paid phone to allow my youngest daughter to talk to her friend. I believe my wife may have a 'secret' phone to communicate to this friend or the OM.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Your marriage is over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll feel better and do the right things.

Don’t try to save this, you can’t and it wouldn’t be worth it anyway.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

oh yeah, during this ordeal she came to see me for a week to figure out what we should do. She was texting this friend of hers (the OM's daughter) until she got to tucson where the texts magically got deleted. Also, during the actual move the OM was continuing to text and she sent him one text back and it got deleted before i could read it. I have since had to block his number from her phone.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Also, she has send a 'gift' to the friend. Along with a pre paid phone to allow my youngest daughter to talk to her friend. I believe my wife may have a 'secret' phone to communicate to this friend or the OM.


Listen to yourself.......just listen to yourself. why put yourself through all this nonesense...all in the name of love? I'll bet money if it was you doing all these things she not only would have thrown you out of the house she'd have cleared your bank accounts too.

Wake up and move the hell on! Your relationship is fractured at best.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

@TCSreadhead-thanks, i'll look for those 180 threads. I agree that she needs to do this. I am just finished with her continued behavior and i know i can't put up with it any more. I just don't know how to 'enable' the 180. Just a flat out demand?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When you exposed the affair and confronted your WW i bet you revealed your source on how you found out???? With that said I bet she has a burner (hinden phone/prepaid).

Especially when you can find a timeline were a dramatic change in your WW behaviors took place...maybe weeks ago/days ago.


Going back to my point how important NC is! See it?

Was there a time when she was a witch (withdraws from OM) then was nice (working on the marriage) then she became a witch again?

I'm guessing there is a time line when she had withdrawls from OM, tried working on the marriage, but then contact with OM or even TF(toxic friend) that may have or may not have enabled the affair.

Look for that burner phone.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

no no, YOU do the 180, not your wife


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Thank you for your service. And I must say, I hate women that cheat on military men. I think they should be tried in court. 

The 180 is pretty much you:

Not talking to her
Not being affectionate to her
Not being around her
Not initiating any sex with her
Not helping her out in any way
Not responding to her calls
Not responding to her text
Not doing what she asks you to do (like fill up her car, or help her put the dishes away)

And focuses on you:
Finding new hobbies that you enjoy
Meeting new people (guys and girls) to improve your social life
Going to a gym (but since you're a military man, you probably are already in good shape)
Getting out of the house
Moving on 
Doing only what are your duties in the house


The purpose of the 180, is two fold:
First, it shows your wayward that: You don't need them, you can have a life, you can move on, and your life will still be awesome without them. Like salt in the wound. 
Also it is designed to help you get to indifference to your spouse. Once you hit indifference, you are gone. You no longer care for them, and you can begin meeting new people, divorce, and realize you are not losing your soul mate, but just a piece of lying, cheating trash. 

And you don't demand a 180. 
You just do it. 

Like, I can't demand someone act a certain way. They just do it. 

I would suggest divorce. 

Once you divorce, go back to school and get a degree, then get a good job, and make money, and start hookig up with younger women and post it on your facebook wall. 
Your ex-wife will eventually get hit by the karma bus, and you'll be happy. Because you'll have someone that loves you, respects you, and you'll have this sad and hurtful chapter of your life behind you. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> @TCSreadhead-thanks, i'll look for those 180 threads. I agree that she needs to do this. I am just finished with her continued behavior and i know i can't put up with it any more. I just don't know how to 'enable' the 180. Just a flat out demand?


So, to be clear and transparent in my case, I am the cheater. I had an emotional affair with my colleague. I won't lie - I was pissed off when my husband found out. How dare he spy on me! 

I reacted terribly - telling him I wanted a divorce, how dare he spy on me, etc. All of this was to shift blame and attention so I could find ways to take this all underground. I fluctuated from being cold as ice and ignoring him to angry and hostile to sweet and loving. How he didn't lose his mind during this, I'll never know. 

I would reveal this affair to her family and friends. It will expose it all and embarrass her but it will also put pressure on her to either fix this or finish it. My husband told some of the more graphic details to my daughters (18 and 20 years old at the time) but this wasn't a smart idea. It created a very hostile environment for him as they went into 'mom protection mode' even though he's the only father figure they've ever know. I would be cautious and seek out a counselor in helping you determine how to proceed with the kids.

The 180 isn't about your wife, it's about protecting you at this point. You need to gain some distance and let her know you're serious. I would talk to an attorney about filing for separation to let her know you're not playing games. 

Have her email him a No Contact letter (in front of you). She needs to hand over all cell phones so you can look at them (don't give her time to delete/change things). 

If she balks at any of this, you don't stand a chance of saving this marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The 180 is for you and it has nothing to do with your wife or getting her or the marriage back.

They are steps the help protect *you* from more emotional torture, the 180 helps *you* emotionally detach so you can move on with or with out your WW.

Poeple try to use the 180 to get there marriage back and it fails every time. The 180 is all about you and the emotional protection you must have to get thru these tough times.

In some case the WW see these changes and makes the choice to do what they need to do to keep you from leaving. This is just a by product of the 180. The way the wayward reacts can go the other way also and want to still bail from the marriage. Irregardless the 180 helps you to move on. It will always be up to your WW to join you are not.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I think you know the answer to this already; let me paint you a picture from a military standpoint.

Imagine yourself located at an FOB in Afghanistan. Imagine that every time you took fire, your guys threw down their weapons and hid behind a Hesco. Now try to imagine what the enemy would make of this behavior and how they would respond to it.

*Get the point? Your position is being overrun, you have no choice now but to stand and fight, surrender isn't an option, the enemy has already shown you that they're taking no prisoners.*

T


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

DO NOT adopt those kids. Right now it might seem like a good idea to you so that you will have some connection to your wife. However, that isn't going to change how she acts or feels, and if it does it will only be for a short period. Unfortunately your situation (military/infidelity) isn't that uncommon. 


Remember, she betrayed you. 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' Do the 180 and get out.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

The reason she wants you to adopt those kids is because she wants to trap you down with them, so she can squeeze some child support out of you after she leaves you. 

DO NOT ADOPT!!!

She hasn't shown any intention of trying to save the marriage. Do you think she is really in it for you? Or do you think she is in it for herself?


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

She wants you to adopt the kids since you in the military they can receive benefits from that. 

She is acting rude and mean to you because she can't see her OM since she in AZ with you now. So of course she gonna act miserable and since she is miserable she gonna want to make your life miserable too. 

I suggest you pull away from her, start detaching and it will make you feel better and you will regain some control in the relationship. 

Don't let her get you down. Let her be miserable if she wants but don't allow her to make you feel the same.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Contact GF, manage find out what was going on all this time.

Stop the adoption process untill further advice. You have an unremorseful wife who's likely still cheating.

Keep snooping.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here. What I am going to tell you will hurt, but you need to change tactics immediately
1) STOP ACTION ON THE ADOPTION! if you divorce, you will be saddled with child suport payments to yur wayward wife if you adopt the kids. There is no rational reason to sdopt her children.
2) File for divorce NOW. SHe will have a claim on your retirement if you remain married much longer (that is if you stay in). AZ interestingly separates the cummunity property the moment she is served. That works in your favor. She needs to have a wake-up call. 
3) begin a 180 in earnest.

I know you love her; but, she currently doesn't love you. She is using you in the worst way and you are letting her. There is no true remorse here. You have already identified her most likely secret communication mode. Kick this loser to the curb.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Your marriage as you knew it has ended. She ended it. No marriage is perfect. Regardless of what problems your M had she is the one that decided to go outside of the M. You may be able to reconcile but that cannot be done until she has cut off all contact with the OM and takes full responsibility for the A.

Stop any addoption process.

Start the 180. The 180 is for you, not for her, but will often have a result on the cheater by forcing them to start dealing with reality.

File for D. You can always retract the D later if you want to R, but right now you need to make this real for her. Until you force her to deal with reality she will cake eat.

The more swift and decisive you are the more likely you will have a shot at R, but realize she did already choose to end your M, so there may be no getting her back. 

If she does ask for R take a few days to think about it. You may find you don't want her back. If you do decide you want her back the period in limbo will help her remember how close she was to losing you.

Good luck. Welcome to the club, sorry you're a member.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Wow. Ok, so now i understand what a 180 is. Just don't know how to do it since we just moved into a house here on the post i'm at. do i move out? don't know how the logistics behind that will work. this just sucks let me tell you. So now it seems i have to tear my own heart out and lose my kids to move on. Wow.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Wow. Ok, so now i understand what a 180 is. Just don't know how to do it since we just moved into a house here on the post i'm at. do i move out? don't know how the logistics behind that will work. this just sucks let me tell you. So now it seems i have to tear my own heart out and lose my kids to move on. Wow.


It does suck. Royally. She chose it but now you have to do the hard work. Sorry. I really am.

You cut her off emotionally. You can live in the same house but you have no more conversation with her than you would have with a stranger or an employee. Stay courtious but not friendly. Give her only the attention that is legally required. No personal conversation at all.

Work on improving yourself and doing things that will build up your self esteeme.

Do not have any friendly chat with her, and generally avoid contact with her. Move into another room if you can.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

:iagree:

You don't have to move out. You just need to distance yourself emotionally from her. And you don't have to lose your kids either. You should work to maintain those relationships. They are old enough to know the truth and I would tell them.

Again sorry your are here. Please protect yourself.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Wow. Ok, so now i understand what a 180 is. Just don't know how to do it since we just moved into a house here on the post i'm at. do i move out? don't know how the logistics behind that will work. this just sucks let me tell you. So now it seems i have to tear my own heart out and lose my kids to move on. Wow.


No never move out she is the one that cheated she should move out. Continue the 180 for yourself contact a atty and see what your options are and for the love of god do not adopt those kids at this time she needs to be doing some heavy lifting if she wants you to stay married to her and it sounds like she isnt


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No you don't have to tear your heart but you can show her (not tell her) that you will no longer tolorate her behaviors and are confident enought to let her go if it continues.

Set your boundries with her and start the 180, the ball is in her court....you can make the changes in your self, for your self. It is then up to here to do the heavy lifting to prevnt her from getting kicked to the curb.


Dude your chick screwes around on you and you worry about lossing her!!!!!!!!!!She should be on her knee's begging to stay and showing the submission it takes to stay married to you...really?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Again your old lady screws you over then has the balls to treat you like crap afterwards!!!

For most guys cheating is a dealbreaker and your wife walks around like she's the one doing you a favor.

My point is...show your wife you cammand respect and are confident in letting her if she can't respect your boundries.


I just have a feeling your wife faced little if no consequences for her affair.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

wow kando, that's quite a **** drama you got going on. hope its over or soon to be. i just can't get past her accusing me of only wanting sex when that is what she was doing for three months! And then telling me that we were to busy for counceling when she moved out here because she couldn't spend time with the kids! The time thing didn't seem to be an issue in GA. Hell, this guy was momma's 'friend' and my youngest daughter's best friends grandpa!  You guys are right-she has disrespected me, used me and now is just punishing me. I'm tired of it, i know that much.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> wow kando, that's quite a **** drama you got going on. hope its over or soon to be. i just can't get past her accusing me of only wanting sex when that is what she was doing for three months! And then telling me that we were to busy for counceling when she moved out here because she couldn't spend time with the kids! The time thing didn't seem to be an issue in GA. Hell, this guy was momma's 'friend' and my youngest daughter's best friends grandpa!  You guys are right-she has disrespected me, used me and now is just punishing me. I'm tired of it, i know that much.


Thank you. The saga continues. I haven't posted an update in a while but will when important things happen. 

Keep your chin up and remember to love yourself. Work on you and lose the dead weight that was your wife. Life is significantly better on the other side.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Then tell her you will no longer be punished and you will no longer tolorate her toxic friend that may have enabled the affair.

Her behavior is unexceptable and if she want to stay married its time to adress her deciet and learn the tools to affair proof the marriage by going to IC to fix her issues for her lack of boundries or entitlement issues or what ever made her do what she did, and stop making excusses for her adultous behavior.

After that the ball is in her court and the 180 starts with you...and I mean a hard one 180 that shows she is about to loose her husband and makes the changes to #1 face her cheating and then #2 work on the marriage...and yes in that order.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

the guy said:


> Then tell her you will no longer be punished and you will no longer tolorate her toxic friend that may have enabled the affair.
> 
> Her behavior is unexceptable and if she want to stay married its time to adress her deciet and learn the tools to affair proof the marriage by going to IC to fix her issues for her lack of boundries or entitlement issues or what ever made her do what she did, and stop making excusses for her adultous behavior.
> 
> After that the ball is in her court and the 180 starts with you...and I mean a hard one 180 that shows she is about to loose her husband and makes the changes to #1 face her cheating and then #2 work on the marriage...and yes in that order.


Make sure you follow through on the 180. Guys that don't get dragged through the mud for months then dumped. Just read all of the long posts. Keep strong. Even if you lose her it will keep you from having a long period of drawn out pain


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> wow kando, that's quite a **** drama you got going on. hope its over or soon to be. i just can't get past her accusing me of only wanting sex when that is what she was doing for three months! And then telling me that we were to busy for counceling when she moved out here because she couldn't spend time with the kids! The time thing didn't seem to be an issue in GA. Hell, this guy was momma's 'friend' and my youngest daughter's best friends grandpa!  You guys are right-she has disrespected me, used me and now is just punishing me. I'm tired of it, i know that much.


It's also important that she cut off contact with anyone who stood by knowingly while this affair took place. That friend is no friend to your marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think your exposure was far too limited and that the affair as simply gone underground.

Did you personally talk to the friend?

Did you post the OM on cheaterville.com?

Did you expose to family and friends?

Have you searched for a prepaid phone? Have you put a key logger on your pc? And a var in your wife's car? 

Honesty I smell a rat here.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

The OM was in military so he is probably advising her to get you to adopt the kids to get the $$$$/Support plus have her stay in the marriage long enough to get half of your retirement. 

Bottomline you are being played by you wife and OM. *Stop the madness* file immediately to protect yourself and do not adopt!!! It is not necessary they have your benefits currently anyway until the divorce is final.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does OM have a wife or gf? Don't accept your wife's word on that, find out for yourself. Exposé to her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me, but I've been told here that I have been a help a few times.
So I'm going to give it to you man to man.

START NOW making arrangments to send her and the kids back !!!
You deprived yourself for someone who is only looking for a bag of beneifits to take care of her kids.
By Christmas her and them should be in Ga where the ppl she LOVES are.
Do not do this to yourself. You are a PROUD MILITARY MAN !! Not some wet behind the ears pup chasing his first piece away from home. 
If you saw ANY action, you already know how to detach. In firefights, you depend on training and detachment. Otherwise the count goes up.
You know exactly what I am saying. Well the detaching is the same here.
Only the enemy sleeps with you.

I don't understand how grown men put up with blatant disrespect, but you are only going to do it to me ONCE.
So I don't expect you to put up with it either.
This marriage is OVER soldier.

You've put food in her belly, clothes on her back, a roof over her head, not even mentioning what you've done for HER kids, and this is how she repay you. SHE ONLY apologized to SHUT YOU UP !!!!

Oh hell no soldier. You are MUCH to good for this person.

I want you to look her in the eye and tell her to start calling back to Ga. to find a place to stay, bc this marriage is over.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, when are you actually going to do something besides complain? I know it's hard to give up someone you've given your heart to but at what point do you stand up for yourself.

You're in the military, look at it from a military standpoint. What are your goals and objectives, what do you have to do to gain that objective? If the objective isn't reachable without getting yourself injured or killed in the process, is the objective worth the gamble to obtain?

Remove your emotions from the equation (I know it's impossible) but if you can, everything will become pretty clear. Oh it's been said already, don't adopt her kids yet.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And hold off the adoption until things improve in her attitude!

Meanwhile find out as much about the OM as you can and deploy VARs.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You are in terrible shape. Your wife has you so messed up you don't know which way is up. You are even questioning who your wife is having the affair with _("i beleive one of three things-the friend knew about the affiar and got mad at my wife because she left her dad for me, or the friend found out the affair was real and got mad at my wife for screwing her dad, or my wife was having an affair with the 'friend'.")_. 

The first thing you have to do is to find out what is really going on.

I have very bad news for you: Whoever it is that your wife is having the affair with, the affair is not over. Look for a prepaid phone. She wouldn't still be acting this way if she wasn't in contact. I have a very strong suspicion. At the very least, other man/woman still is in her head. He/she may be contacting her.

My guess is that the affair is with other man and his daughter enabled it, but got mad when your wife dumped him. He probably took it very hard. Look at the time and effort he put into seeing your wife! He must really have nothing else in his life if he can devote every weekend to your wife for three straight months.

He made 15-16 500-mile round trips in three months to see your wife. That's about a 9-hour trip each way, every single weekend! - He really liked what your wife was doing for him. Other man is dedicated and committed. Would he just give up on your wife that easily? No way. Would he be willing to travel to AZ? I bet he would.

Buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Put one under the seat of her car and in the house in places where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around or if she wants privacy. Keylog the computer if you can. Give it a week. I'm betting you will find out what's going on with your wife.

After the voice-activated recorders are in place, have a talk with your wife. Tell her that you love her and want to save the marriage. Tell her you are willing to work hard on improving yourself and improving your marriage.

Get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man. Here are the conditions:

1. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

2. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

3. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts. Same thing with her toxic friend.

4. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

5. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

6. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact, and ending with the last time she had contact with him. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

7. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which, if you really look at them, are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, leave the voice-activated recorders and keylogger in place. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth. 

If you think it would help, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that your wife admitted that she had an affair, and you have no way of knowing that the affair still is going on or not but that because your wife keeps deleting her messages with other man, you think it probably is. Ask for their support of your marriage and your family. Definitely do this if you find out the affair is ongoing. 

I think the affair never ended, maybe took a short break, but they still are in contact, maybe even other man flies out occasionally for sex. That's based on hundreds or thousands of stories on this website and my reading of your situation through your post. They were physical once, saw each other for sex marathons every weekend for three months, this thing isn't just going to die the easy death with as little contact as you saw.


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## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Here's my story. I am an active duty military person. I moved from Georgia to Arizona in Jan of 2012. My wife and three step kids (we have been married for 8 years) stayed behind-my step kids are in high school and wanted to finish in georgia. Also, our marriage at the time was struggling. Anyway, my wife came to AZ for a week in june to start court proceedings to have her ex's parental rights stripped. It was a great week. We had great sex (1st for me in over a year and a half). She goes back to GA and i find out a short time later she was in the middle of an affair when she came out to AZ. She was texting him naked pictures of herself while she was here. She had my kids stay the night with friends the first night back so he could come over and have sex with her in my bed in my house. Oh, he lives 500 miles away in Virginia!!! Over the three month affair he made 15-16 trips!!!! She took my oldest daughter to VA to see him 'to do a tour of William and Mary'. They stayed in his house for three nights. She would sneek into his bedroom at night to have sex. (Very angry). Anyway, i found out through the phone records-hundreds of phone calls and thousands of texts. Confronted her and she admitted it. Lots of pain...short story is she decided to move to AZ to be with me and work on marriage...or so she said. She came out here and has been nothing but a ***** the whole time. Told me she never wanted to come here, hates it here, etc. Also, she told me she was going to tell me about the affair, but AFTER i adopted my step kids!!! Also, in the six weeks she has been here we have had sex 4 times-at my asking. She hasn't initiated once. Just lays there. No effort at all. I told her we needed joint counceling and made an appointment on a saturday and she got pissed because 'it took time away from her spending time with her girls'. Even though she was spending alot of time screwing her boyfreind who lived 500 miles away. Oh, the guy she was doing is the grandfather (late 50's, she is mid 40's) of my youngest daugters best friend in GA. Also, her BEST freind just happens to be this guys daughter as well. I'm very angry and hurt, mainly by the fact that she came all the way out here and now is just punishing me for making her move. We have finally a counseling appointment this saturday, but i don't know how to approach it. I'm tired of being in a one way relationship with a selfish person. She wasn't always like this. Any advice on how to move forward?


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

You tell her the adoption is on hold until this is all figured out. don't you dare adopt her kids while this is going on !!!!!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Cheated-on:
You have 3 pages of excellent advise. 
These good people want to thank you for your service. Through your service you looked out for all of us. 

Let us look out for you. The one who should have been doing this is looking out only for herself and has no respect for you. 


You MAY be able to recover that, since that is what you want. But you will never do that without heeding the advise.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Walk has it right.
I apologize for not thanking you.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE !!!

Will gave good advice, but I disagree on R/ing with her..
I don't think she can ever have respect for you after say what she did. " TO SHUT YOU UP ".

Its as if YOU have no reason to be hurt and wanting answers.

Do you know how you can tell if a person is sorry for what they did????
Look at the actions they take to make it right.
Compare that to what she is doing to make it up to you.

I don't know how the money is handled, but you MUST cut her off NOW.
Close CC, move your pay to an account only your control, give her a deadline to move, and charge her rent if she don't by then.

Your whole objective by now, should be getting this leach out of your life. That means the first thing smoking headed east.

No adoption. If you do, then she can D you and move back to him, leaving you with child support and alimony while he plays dad and lover.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She was about to tell you after the adoption is complete, Huge red flag and you didnt understood this.REALLY?
Why this is a red flag because when you adopt her children you will have to pay them for a long and even if she D you or you kick her out of your life. She was making sure that you pay the money to her children.
Stop adoption, see a lawyer and find your options.

Do the STD check ups and make her to do that.

Issue the D papers as this marriage is over. R is not possible unless she is on her knees begging for your forgiveness but she is not.

Ask her to find a place in VA to live. Dont allow her to dictate what you should do or not.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Stop the adoption.
She has a looooooooong road to prove herself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not commit to her whe she shows such disrespect and disregard and lack of commitment to you!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You have been good solid advice by TCS, Kando and Will Kane plus many others.

You need to take action now.

Make a plan. Cover all your bases then execute the plan.

You need to hit her with everything at once.

And your wife needs to feel consequences for her horrible screwing around on you.

What a lack of respect she has for you, her kids and herself.

Not to mention the lack of respect she has for marriage....

It is time to act soldier.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm hoping we haven't scared him off and he starts to take action to protect himself.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I'm hoping we haven't scared him off and he starts to take action to protect himself.


Hopefully hes just busy doing what he needs to do


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

No, TCS i haven't been scared off. Just reading through all of the posts and finally have a chance to reply. 1st, here is the timeline:

July 30th-I catch her and confront her. I live in AZ and she in GA.
Few days later-i fly out to GA to talk with her in person, stay for 5 days. She acts very remorseful. We agree to work on marriage, no decision on moving.
End of August-she flies out to visit me for a week to talk about moving and future. We agree to move wife and kids to AZ. Wife deletes hundreds of texts from 'best friend' before arriving in tucson. I catch her in a lie about when she did it because all other texts are still there. 

September 8th-he starts texting out of the blue again. This is also the day where her 'best friend' (the OM daughter) stops talking and texting her. My wife will not, to this day, admit why. 

Mid September-I fly to GA to pack up stuff left by army movers and drive with wife and kids across country. We arrive in AZ a few days later. Wife does nothing but whine and complain about being in AZ. Tells me she only did it because of the girls and hates it here. She sent him one text. She says it was a text asking him to not text anymore, but i don't know because she deleted it. I beleive it was really begging forgiveness. 


October-we r living in a small 2br apartment off post while we are waiting for housing. Very tense. We get housing at end of October and move into a 4br house. At first she has a childish fit because she doesn't like the house. Whines because its not big enough. I make a MC apointment for a saturday-but she throws an even bigger fit because she 'would miss time from the girls' even though she wasn't missing that time in GA.

Nov-I throw a fit and get her to make another saturday MC apointment. It takes me yelling and screaming and threatening divorce to make it happen. Kids are very upset. Only reason wife agrees is because oldest kid begs her too.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sounds like she is going through affair/drug withdrawal stay vigilant and like others have said adoption is off the table until she shows true remorse and begs for forgiveness! Deleting anymore texts I would kick her to the curb, sorry jmo.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Right now i'm just trying to get my ducks lined up for this weekends MC. I am going to lay it out on the line on what i expect or its over. I just need to get my list of things she has done written down so i dont forget and then the things i expect her to do.

She has already said she stopped contact. At this point having her do a no contact letter would, I feel, just enable the OM into contacting her. 

She has given me all of her passwords to FB and email (at least the accounts I know about) Anyone know a good keylogger program?

I track her cell phone usage-but she knows it and isn't that dumb to try to contact him-and she knows he's blocked. What i am worried about are the burn phones. A VAR or signal finder are in my future.

Basically i plan to ask for her to start putting into action her words of 'i love you'. No more whining about being in AZ. no more contact with that 'friend'. Meaning she is dropped from FB and i block her number. She becomes active in counseling and starts telling me her feelings and opens up and lets me in. I become an equal and get treated with respect. I'm not going to be walked on anymore. Our marriage will change. It will either become a marriage or it will be over.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Right now i'm just trying to get my ducks lined up for this weekends MC. I am going to lay it out on the line on what i expect or its over. I just need to get my list of things she has done written down so i dont forget and then the things i expect her to do.
> 
> She has already said she stopped contact. At this point having her do a no contact letter would, I feel, just enable the OM into contacting her.
> 
> ...


Good job, soldier. You have a good battle plan. This will work out for you one way or another. Oh, and I wouldn't finalize the adoption, at least for a couple of years. This could cripple you financially if you divorce and get stuck w/ child support until they are adults.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Right now i'm just trying to get my ducks lined up for this weekends MC. I am going to lay it out on the line on what i expect or its over. I just need to get my list of things she has done written down so i dont forget and then the things i expect her to do.
> 
> She has already said she stopped contact. At this point having her do a no contact letter would, I feel, just enable the OM into contacting her.
> 
> ...


First step in actual reconciliation - she needs to be remorseful and apologize and MEAN it. 

There are some good keyloggers - find the 'Gathering Evidence' thread in this forum for suggestions. 

The VAR is definitely a must. This behavior (the hostility towards you) is a dead giveaway she IS in contact with the other man. 

Last, I strongly recommend holding on the adoption. I have to wonder why she was planning to wait until afterwards to tell you. This starts to sound like she was planning to wait until you were on the hook for everyone financially and file divorce, collect child support and such from your benefits. That's not fair to you from a wife who treats you this way.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Wow. Pretty much everyone thinks she is still in contact with him. I have looked for the phone but can't find one. And to make things more fun, i obviously have no idea how to do the 180 thing. Saw an email today from another one of her female friends who told her she should have never have told me about the affair (even though she only did after being caught) and basically said i had no right to her. But in another part of the email the friend said she knows my wife loves me. Talk about confused and man, did this email mess me up.  Got into it with the wife, she cut me to pieces (again). She always wins.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Wow. Pretty much everyone thinks she is still in contact with him. I have looked for the phone but can't find one. And to make things more fun, i obviously have no idea how to do the 180 thing. Saw an email today from another one of her female friends who told her she should have never have told me about the affair (even though she only did after being caught) and basically said i had no right to her. But in another part of the email the friend said she knows my wife loves me. Talk about confused and man, did this email mess me up.  Got into it with the wife, she cut me to pieces (again). She always wins.


You let her win!!

Sometimes I feel like an idiot I can dish advice out but have a terrible time taking my own advice. Its easier said then done but you have to go 180 on her. Dont let her win! Dont let her see you upset, mad, etc. Dont let anything she does phase you. Let her wonder WTH is going on in your world. Dont share any private info with her. I know its hard....its hard when I do it too but you have to. For yourself!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, how in the hell can a cheater cut you down ??? I mean really, what kind of childhood did you have that you need to have someone who don't love you in your life.

What YOU need to do is go back and read your first few posts.
Then look at as if its a friend thats going thru this. What would you say to him, if his wife said she was waiting for the adoption to go thru, that she sait it to shut him up ??

What is there to salvage ??? Her actions speaks for her, yet you keep chasing after her. You need to cancel mc until you KNOW there is NC. Thats standard knowledge.
And if she wants to stay with you, WHY do YOU have to force her into MC ??

Look, we've peeped you a lil, I mean, come on, who adopts 3 or 4 kids thats not his ???
But still, don't you think you deserve a lil better than her ?????


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

Please do NOT adopt her children. As others have said, you will get stuck paying child support.

As OldWolf said - you probably deserve better!

I didn't go thru the last 4 pages, but did anyone else recommend the book:
No More Mr Nice Guy

I wouldn't be looking to let her prove herself. I would be looking to walk!


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Just cause i haven't figured out or been able to take my heart back from her and she knows it. What would i tell a friend? Get the hell out. That's easier said than done though. Love is a *****.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Just cause i haven't figured out or been able to take my heart back from her and she knows it. What would i tell a friend? Get the hell out. That's easier said than done though. Love is a *****.


Love may be a B#TCH but not as much as your wife is being to you right now. I understand your heart is broken and you are trying desperately to salvage that. It's too late. The marriage you thought you had is over. The woman you married no longer exists. Your wife killed her when she opened her legs to another man. Yes, I am speaking harsher now because you're letting her treat you poorly. 

Can you face knowing each time she rejects you for sex that she didn't for him? When you do get the 'treat' of being allowed to have sex with her, you will remember that over and over, she didn't make him jump through hoops to screw her. 

Here's another way to consider this. You do have children together. Imagine your child grown up and in a marriage where their spouse is doing this to them. Like that picture?

You are training your children. If you allow this woman to treat you like a doormat, they will learn that behavior and mirror it. Some of them may become like your wife, some will be come like you. Can you live with knowing that you've taught them to accept that?

If you cannot man up for you right now because your heart is crushed, then do it for your kids. Show them you will not accept being disrespected.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Self respect beats out love in my opinion.

Anyway, you don't have to tolorate being treated like crap. It will always be your wifes choice to respect you and stay or leave the marriage. Just likes its your choice to except her as she is or ask her to leave.

INK how in the hell she keeps winning when she is the one that cheated......were is the remorse the begging for forgiveness....I just don't under stand?


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

@TCS-I know. In my head i know. As for the sex-yes it bothers the heck out of me. We've had sex 4 times in the past six weeks and it was a 15 minute missionary. They had sex 15-16 times over about a 9 week period-and she drove 500 miles on a three night booty call for him, so yeah, that just pisses me off. 

And yes everyone, i know self respect is a big issue for me right now. I'm struggling just to cope with this knowledge. I know my wife is 'dead' to me. The woman i fell in love with is gone, or buried so far underneath so much crap she may as well be. God this just sucks butt.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Just cause i haven't figured out or been able to take my heart back from her and she knows it. What would i tell a friend? Get the hell out. That's easier said than done though. Love is a *****.


Its always black and white when you're on the outside looking in....a million shades of gray when you're in it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hang in there, we all get through it man and one way or another you will make it.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

If one of your soldiers treated you this way, would you stand for it? I am sorry but your marriage is dead, you have an AWOL wife and this is not going to end pretty.She is going to find a new playmate in AZ and that is a fact. We are trying to help here, with what little we know. But most of the men and some of the women that are here have gone thru this and worse, so we are trying to help. Good luck and please keep us updated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And have you posted the posom on cheaterville.com yet?

Do it, don't tell anyone and sit back.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What I don't understand is how your wife hooked up with the OM in the first place?

He's older, he's 500 miles away. How did he work her to where she was willing to cheat with him? Something doesn't add up here.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> @TCS-I know. In my head i know. As for the sex-yes it bothers the heck out of me. We've had sex 4 times in the past six weeks and it was a 15 minute missionary. They had sex 15-16 times over about a 9 week period-and she drove 500 miles on a three night booty call for him, so yeah, that just pisses me off.
> 
> And yes everyone, i know self respect is a big issue for me right now. I'm struggling just to cope with this knowledge. I know my wife is 'dead' to me. The woman i fell in love with is gone, or buried so far underneath so much crap she may as well be. God this just sucks butt.


It does suck. It sucks even worse because this wasn't your choice. I'm really sorry.

My point is that SHE is the one who needs to be doing all the work right now, not you. 

Here are the details of doing the 180:

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Not all MCs are competent or experienced with infidelity. We all have issues we need to deal with in a marriage. 

However, the huge boulder that has crashed your marriage was placed there by your wife. Not you. Not even. 

So, you can acknowledge your issues, but DO NOT allow the MC to place ANY blame on you or your job. NONE. 

If it goes that way you need to find another MC.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Also, she has send a 'gift' to the friend. *Along with a pre paid phone to allow my youngest daughter to talk to her friend*. I believe my wife may have a 'secret' phone to communicate to this friend or the OM.


Your wife sent a prepaid phone to your daughter's friend, who also is granddaughter of other man. Your wife is well aware of how to keep in touch. Everything is deleted, even things that supposedly would appease you and get you off her back. Your wife knows all about prepaid phones.

She said she wants to work on the marriage with you. Why does she want that? Why did she not leave you for other man? Is it financial? Is it because other man is not able or not willing to take on both your wife and kids?

Do you think it's because of her love for you? If so, then why isn't she even making any effort to be more loving toward you? Based on how un-loving she is being toward you, I would say that she is not with you now out of love. So why is she with you? What is your opinion?

After supposed "no contact" with other man for as long as it's been, your wife should at least be detaching from you and indifferent if she wasn't in love with you, maybe even a little apologetic for what she put you through, even if she didn't want to stay married to you. It makes no sense that she is so mad at you and DOES want to stay with you after all this time of no contact with other man. That is why I think she must still be in contact. At the very least, he is on her mind, and he wouldn't be so much if there really were no contact.

If there is no "burner" phone, where/how else would your wife contact him? Public library? Through other friends whose messages she also deletes? Through some type of app that allows messages without leaving a call/text record? Through daughter's phone?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The affiar is undergound. It never ended.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> And yes everyone, i know self respect is a big issue for me right now. I'm struggling just to cope with this knowledge. I know my wife is 'dead' to me. The woman i fell in love with is gone, or buried so far underneath so much crap she may as well be. God this just sucks butt.


I know this is tough. Hang in there. We've all been down this road and we survived, right?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Aren't you busy enough in your life that you need to constantly worry and watch your wife?

That can get you killed if your Specialty is anything dangerous at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

CoH33, we know how hard it is. At least most here do.
That is the very reason I say send her packing as soon as possible.
Its practical.
And we understand you've bonded with the kids, and them with you. We do. But they are not your kids, and you cannot sacrifice yourself for them.

I am not going to go over all the disrespectful stuff she did and is doing. I am just going to hope you find the strength to do what needs to be done.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

So just an update- we had our first MC this weekend and it was painful and a bit eye opening for both of us. It was just the first so we didn't get anything resolved at all of course and didn't really even get started other than 'she had an affair' and 'he's a needy *******'. Basically what i learned is she feels i am needy, mean, and not fun and she doesn't really like me, but does love me.....women. Anyway, going to work on this 180 thing and being...indifferent to her. I realize that i can't make her love me and i need to basically wait for her to figure out what the heck she wants. I just gotta be able to show her and follow that list that TCS posted the best i can. I go to MC by myself this weekend and then she goes by herself next weekend, then the day after she goes alone, we go back together. She did admit she lied about hiding texts to the daughter of the man (her 'best' freind). She was pissed when i confronted her about it before counseling and denied she sent them-i knew she had sent three texts to the TF one day and when i looked at her phone there were only two. Ditto for the following day, missing texts. I asked her about it and she got pissed. Lied and said that ATT was wrong...but then in counseling she admitted the truth and said the texts were about how unhappy she was here and she deleted them because she didn't want me to get mad when i read that. Like hiding it was better. For all i know it was 'tell your dad i'll meet him at the hotel at 9am on tuesday...or something like that. I firmly beleive the friend actually set up the affiar even though it was her dad. Its the only thing that makes sense given the info that i have. Anyway, a better day today and we'll see about tomorrow.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

So - state clearly to her that there can be NO deleting of anything, email/texts/call logs/web history. Deleting is hiding and indicates deceit. All items must be left for you to view as you need to. (I can tell you I started a S***storm with an email sent to someone - male - when hubby read it. The content was intended as a joke but in his current state, hubby did not find amusing. I immediately acknowledged it, apologized and have stopped it as a means of making him feel more comfortable). Any more of this behavior WILL NOT be tolerated - she will need to leave. 

It's also not the time for ANY blame to be pointed at you. She needs to show remorse for what she has done for MC to work. She should be giving you complete transparency in all areas of her life right now. 

I would still install VARs in her car and anywhere else she tends to go to be 'by herself'. Can you install keylogger/software on her phone to view her texts also? I can't help but think she's got a cheap prepaid phone out there at this point. 

It's hard when you're going through the withdrawals of an affair. There is literally nearly the same effects as giving up a drug. The compulsion to contact the AP is very strong UNTIL you commit to making your marriage work. Then, there is fear of doing something to further damage and break it. 

How are you doing with the 180? Are you holding to it? Not sure if you're a reader but I'm nearly done with Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's not too long or hard to read and is really helpful.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

All her anger towards you tells me that she is still in contact with the OM. Her anger is a front, a smokescreen to keep you pushed back and disoriented. Don't fall for it. 

See her for what she really is: a scared, foolish woman who has landed herself in a jam and knows it. She is scared to death of you divorcing her, that's the reason for all the venom. She knows damn good and well she has no future with the other man. She has learned that you can be controlled if she throws tantrums. That's why you need to cling to the 180 rules as if they were your lifeblood.

Do not engage her when she plays the anger game. Get up and leave. Do this enough and once she realizes it won't work her tack may change. 

Looking at it from my armchair you have about a 10% chance of pulling this marriage out of its nosedive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

spudster said:


> All her anger towards you tells me that she is still in contact with the OM. Her anger is a front, a smokescreen to keep you pushed back and disoriented. Don't fall for it.
> 
> See her for what she really is: a scared, foolish woman who has landed herself in a jam and knows it. She is scared to death of you divorcing her, that's the reason for all the venom. She knows damn good and well she has no future with the other man. She has learned that you can be controlled if she throws tantrums. That's why you need to cling to the 180 rules as if they were your lifeblood.
> 
> ...


I would say 0% unless you begin doing the hard work of letting go. It's not a guarantee, but it's the best shot you have.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Also - NO CONTACT with this friend. She's no friend to your marriage - this is not negotiable. 

Delete texts/emails/call logs = file for divorce, no looking back.
Contact with OM or friend = file for divorce, no looking back.
Continuing to blame YOU when she's the one who cheated = file for divorce, no looking back.

You cannot fix this if she isn't willing to do the work.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Also - NO CONTACT with this friend. She's no friend to your marriage - this is not negotiable.
> 
> Delete texts/emails/call logs = file for divorce, no looking back.
> Contact with OM or friend = file for divorce, no looking back.
> ...


:iagree:

You can't allow for any wiggle room on this or it's back to square one.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Thanks tcs, yes i am a reader. I'll check it out. I read surviving an affair and that was a good book and lots of the things in the book mirror what some of you guys say here. Right now the 'friend' is a freaking nuclear button issue. She has lied three times already about giving her up, only to end up being a lie. I plan on talking about that in my MC session and then our next joint session and basically telling her its me or her, you pick. Right now i have her understanding that there are no more deleted messages and that i will be looking for them. But i can't really continue to live with that because i don't want to have to look and count texts and get into that level of work. i shouldn't have to. Long term for me is me or that friend. 

She is going to texas this weekend and taking my youngest with her for 4 days to visit her very elderly grandparents. Of course, i am worried there will be 'more'. That is my biggest drive to do the VARs, but i gotta find one that has the battery life i need before i put it in the car, if i do it. Again, i just should n't have to you know? The 'spying' is beginning to just get me down. We have had a couple of good days in a row. Actual niceness. Coincidental that it happened after the MC? Don't know. Thanks again everyone. 

Working the 180. Just have to draw back.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you're trying to get back to where you won't need to check up on her again....

You'll always check up on her forever, if you still care and love her. The day you stop checking is usually the day you don't care anymore.

I'm not saying you're going to be spying on her all the time. But once in a while you'll pick up the phone and just browse around or sit at the computer and see what's on there without even realizing you're doing it.

My wife does it, checks my phone and then starts browsing.

Gets on my facebook account (she's on it more than me cuz I hardly use it) and reads all the posts from my family and friends.

And the list goes on. I've learned to cope with it. It is what it is, if that's what she needs for a little security, go ahead and check away. Nothing to hide now a days. Well, except for the little boy toys I get once in a while when I cheat on our budget  Those receipts seem to disappear all the time for some reason.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Thanks tcs, yes i am a reader. I'll check it out. I read surviving an affair and that was a good book and lots of the things in the book mirror what some of you guys say here. Right now the 'friend' is a freaking nuclear button issue. She has lied three times already about giving her up, only to end up being a lie. I plan on talking about that in my MC session and then our next joint session and basically telling her its me or her, you pick. Right now i have her understanding that there are no more deleted messages and that i will be looking for them. But i can't really continue to live with that because i don't want to have to look and count texts and get into that level of work. i shouldn't have to. Long term for me is me or that friend.
> 
> She is going to texas this weekend and taking my youngest with her for 4 days to visit her very elderly grandparents. Of course, i am worried there will be 'more'. That is my biggest drive to do the VARs, but i gotta find one that has the battery life i need before i put it in the car, if i do it. Again, i just should n't have to you know? The 'spying' is beginning to just get me down. We have had a couple of good days in a row. Actual niceness. Coincidental that it happened after the MC? Don't know. Thanks again everyone.
> 
> Working the 180. Just have to draw back.


You're right - you shouldn't have to but until she proves that she's no longer lying and hiding there isn't a choice. If you have any hope of reconciliation, you have to hold her accountable and she needs to be willingly transparent. 

Why is this friend a nuclear issue for her? Does she understand clearly that any further contact is unacceptable and are you willing to back that up? 

The niceness is a dangerous trap. I did that hoping that if I acted nicely, hubby would drop the whole thing. After all, I didn't want to give up my 'cake'. I didn't want to have to face all the repercussions for what I had done to him and to our marriage. He would stop digging around if he felt like I wasn't being angry and upset with him. It worked for a while as we swept all the issues under the rug but it just delayed working through all this.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Nice spouse = cheated on and eventually dumped. 

Sorry but it's really that simple. You can't nice her into behaving. You have to draw a line and stick to it. If you tell her x will happen if she does x when she does x you do what you promised. She will learn to listen to you. Right now there's no reason to listen to you. All you do is make idle threats and tell on her in mc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

spudster said:


> All her anger towards you tells me that she is still in contact with the OM. Her anger is a front, a smokescreen to keep you pushed back and disoriented. Don't fall for it.
> 
> See her for what she really is: a scared, foolish woman who has landed herself in a jam and knows it. She is scared to death of you divorcing her, that's the reason for all the venom. She knows damn good and well she has no future with the other man. She has learned that you can be controlled if she throws tantrums. That's why you need to cling to the 180 rules as if they were your lifeblood.
> 
> ...



Damn MAN! You must hold the record here on TAM of the fastest Dude who got banned.What the hell did you post?:scratchhead:


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Why are you not going with her to her grandparents? This is not a time to leave her alone and give her 4 days to plan and take everything underground.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Don't trust her to go.
For all you know she is meeting om there.
How long has this visit been in the works ?? Or was it planned after making plans thru the D and deleted the txts ??

Well maybe now you know why she is being nice, hoping you won't object to the trip, and looking forward to seeing him.

I'm out of this one peeps. texan two step coming.


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

... I'm sad to hear you in this state. Hm...why wait for her to figure out what she wants? I suggest you move on. And IF and ONLY if, she truly, 100%, bonafide, realized her love for you, she'll chase after you despite you've passed all this and are far, far away. After all, isn't that what people in love would do?


She could still be acting though...but it is a step.

Take care of yourself.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> So just an update- we had our first MC this weekend and it was painful and a bit eye opening for both of us. It was just the first so we didn't get anything resolved at all of course and didn't really even get started other than 'she had an affair' and 'he's a needy *******'. Basically what i learned is she feels i am needy, mean, and not fun and *she doesn't really like me*, but does love me*.....women*. Anyway, going to work on this 180 thing and being...indifferent to her. I realize that i can't make her love me and *i need to basically wait for her to figure out what the heck she wants*. I just gotta be able to show her and follow that list that TCS posted the best i can. I go to MC by myself this weekend and then she goes by herself next weekend, then the day after she goes alone, we go back together. *She did admit she lied *about hiding texts to the daughter of the man (her 'best' freind). She was pissed when i confronted her about it before counseling and *denied she sent them-i knew she had *sent three texts to the TF one day and when i looked at her phone there were only two. Ditto for the following day, missing texts. I asked her about it and she got pissed. *Lied* and said that ATT was wrong...but then *in counseling she admitted the truth* and said the texts were about how unhappy she was here and she deleted them because she didn't want me to get mad when i read that. Like hiding it was better. *For all i know it was 'tell your dad i'll meet him at the hotel at 9am on tuesday*...or something like that. I firmly beleive the friend actually set up the affiar even though it was her dad. Its the only thing that makes sense given the info that i have. Anyway, a better day today and we'll see about tomorrow.
> 
> Right now the 'friend' is a freaking nuclear button issue. *She has lied three times already about giving her up, only to end up being a lie.* I plan on talking about that in my MC session and then our next joint session and basically telling her its me or her, you pick. Right now i have her understanding that there are no more deleted messages and that i will be looking for them. But i can't really continue to live with that because i don't want to have to look and count texts and get into that level of work. i shouldn't have to. Long term for me is me or that friend.
> 
> ...


None of this makes any sense to me.

*If your wife HAS ended the affair*, HAS ceased all contact with the other man, and HAS agreed to work on the marriage, the "180" is the wrong thing to do. The "180" is a bunch of loose guidelines, the object of which is for you to DETACH from your wife emotionally so you are ready to leave her and move on with your life. The OPPOSITE of WORKING ON YOUR MARRIAGE, which both you and she should be doing.

*If your wife has NOT ended the affair* and has NOT ceased contact with the other man, you should be treating your wife with indifference as you try to DETACH from your wife emotionally so you are ready to leave her and move on with your life. However, if this is the case, you are WASTING YOUR TIME with marriage counseling.

Which is it?

If your wife is hiding stuff from you, why is she (or you) bothering with marriage counseling, since HIDING STUFF is the OPPOSITE of WORKING ON THE MARRIAGE?

Why can your wife only supposedly tell you the truth during marriage counseling? If that's the case, maybe you can hire someone to come and live with you so your wife can be truthful all of the time.

The guy who works in the coffee cart where I buy my coffee each morning is nice to me every single day and it doesn't really thrill me. I am not trying to be mean, but do you realize how odd it sounds that you are thrilled that your wife is treating you with a little bit of kindness for a few days? When you say she is being nice, do you mean she says "hello good morning how are you?" and maybe offers to make you a cup of coffee? But still hides stuff from you and lies to you?


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

You are being played!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She cheated on you and she is still controlling your life and taking decisions for you. What happened to your decision making ability?

She is still in the A and you are enabling her with your passiveness.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You didn't adress the "adoption" piece at all. I imagine you have your reasons. If you felt the need to not adress it i fear you are not doing things from a rational POW. Adoption is decision which will have you lifelong engaged only you don't know in wich capacity. As things are going on NOW the chances you will be only a paycheck are huge.

Please, adress it, rethink it.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Checking in to see how you're doing. Stay strong.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Well, had my session by myself this weekend with the MC. The councelor basically was in line with what alot of you have said-it seems her plan is to have me adopt and then file for D. The MC was concentrating on my wife's statements about not wanting to be here and not knowing what she wants. Next weekend wife has her 1 on 1 with the councelor (the councelor said my wife wouldn't like what she had to say), then we go back the next day together. Also, the VAR was inplace in her car for her trip to TX to the GP, so it'll be interesting to see what's on it. One thing i will say- the wife is now getting gauranteed child support from her ex because he is getting disability from SS and this money actually comes from the government and is 100% gauranteed. So....i don't know why she would cut that off to just get money from me. Anyway, maybe under all of her **** she may actually want to work on it. Just have to get her to be able to listen without getting pissed and then accept what she did and realize that changes have to be made. Thanks to everyone and I'm taking a big step back from her until our MC pans out one way or the other.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

If you're active military AND you adopt, her children would be eligible for more child support than she gets via SS plus additional scholarship/grant/benefits. Plus then it becomes a whole package when reviewing child support/alimony/etc. Add in just a bit of craziness in that she would do that to her children and then file for divorce? Who the heck does that to their kids? I could go on for days about that but that's another whole topic...

Glad to hear you're stepping back and getting some perspective and good advice from your MC.

You can't make her listen without getting pissed. You can only decide what behavior you can or cannot live with. If she cannot abide by that then SHE is making the choice that a divorce is inevitable. 

How has she been responding to your request to cut off contact with the enabling friend? That's a very telling item - if she's unwilling, that's telling you reconciliation is not possible.

This is about you, as the betrayed spouse, laying out what she must do to make this marriage work. Either she meets those terms or she goes.* Don't settle for less or be the backup plan in her life.*

Repeat that to yourself over and over: * Don't settle for less or be the backup plan in her life.*


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Oh, and thanks for the update!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So... even MC can see through her.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Acabado said:


> So... even MC can see through her.


but he couldn't .........sad


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I've played the MC game after my wife cheated... she played the game with the MC until we started our joint sessions. Then I blew it wide open. She came clean then but the MC was PO'd because of all the deceit in the earlier IC she had with my wife. My wife just bs'd her way through MC. She continued to go sleep with her ex about every two months for a year. Don't waste your time on this. I love my wife to this day, but it doesn't change the fact that she is devious and won't hesitate to lie... my friends consistently say, "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on this rollercoaster." The answer is NO! That should be your answer too.. You are younger than me.. Life is too short.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

So i got the var today and it didn't really record anything from where i had to put it. So i'll just have to put it in the house and see what happens over the next few weeks. 

@TCS-thanks. As for the enableing freind, i am waiting until this sunday, our next joint counceling session to bring that up. I'm basically planning on saying i can't continue living with that friend in our marriage because she is nothing more than a link to him. If i were to bring it up again outside of counceling, it would cause a fight and this is something i need to do with the councelor. If it ends sunday, it ends, one way or the other. Got your point about health care, hadn't thought of that. Sigh. She came back last night and my older two kids and I had done alot of work unpacking and organizing in our new house here and of course all she did was point out what was wrong and complain. My oldest daughter actually started getting on her for being mean and then i stepped in and told her that she needed to back off and just try and show some gratitude and say thank you. She was complaining that we didn't throw the plastic bottles into the recycle bin, and hadn't even said thank you for all of the work the kids and i did. She then said she 'hadn't had time' to say thank you-but she did have time to complain about plastic bottles. That's the kind of crap i have dealt with before the affair-she is selfish as hell sometimes and I'm not living with that anymore.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

HOLY CRAP!!! The OM is up for the vote of cheater of the day on cheaterville!!!!! Go and vote for him!! His name starts with the R! HA HA!! God that makes me feel better! Help him win!!!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

That's funny about the OM. 

What is your plan for Sunday? Have you exposed this affair to both of your families?


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

The plan for sunday is to confront her about the friend. Other than that, its going to be to find out what she wants, once and for all. To be with me and reconcile (and all of the work that entails), or to leave. I am not going to continue to be strung along for much longer. As for exposing the affair-no i am not going to do that. I am trying to manage this without our children knowing. Whatever anyone may say about that-i don't care. I will go to any ends to not put my children through the pain i am in. Well, almost any ends. Anyway-whatever anyone may think about that-every situation is different and my children are more important to me than i am. Anyway, exposing to her family would not put the correct kind of pressure on her. It would only serve to humiliate her-she has a terrible family who would only use the information to tear her down-and i don't like her mother and sister anyway. It would also probably literally kill her grandparents, and they are nice and i am not going to put them through pain either.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I can understand what you're thinking in respect to the children but I will tell you that they already know something is happening. You'll find other threads here (SkaterDad's for example) where the kids did see and didn't know how to tell the betrayed spouse. 

I never advocate being dishonest with your kids. They may not need graphic details but especially with teens, you're showing them what happens in a marriage regardless of whether the two of your reconcile. It's kinder to explain in simple terms what she has done to you, them and the family (betrayal isn't just you - she's harmed them as well) and to get them into counseling. Your daughter is already seeing the tension in the house. 

It's also puzzling that you're still deferring to what she wants. Other than the affair, you describe her as extremely selfish and negative. What are you salvaging? (Not asking this to judge but to understand and make sure you're considering yourself in this equation). 

Has she talked about what lead to this affair and why it would never happen again? There's just a lot to talk about before committing to reconciliation. 

I'm still thinking about to her telling you that she was going to wait until AFTER the adoption and then file for divorce. Those words indicate very cold, precalculated moves on her part.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> She came back last night and my older two kids and I had done alot of work unpacking and organizing in our new house here and of course all she did was point out what was wrong and complain. My oldest daughter actually started getting on her for being mean and then i stepped in and told her that she needed to back off and just try and show some gratitude and say thank you. She was complaining that we didn't throw the plastic bottles into the recycle bin, and hadn't even said thank you for all of the work the kids and i did. She then said she 'hadn't had time' to say thank you-but she did have time to complain about plastic bottles. That's the kind of crap i have dealt with before the affair-she is selfish as hell sometimes and I'm not living with that anymore.


You should thank the old guy. She seems like a peach.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

I know my kids know something is going on and its something bad. They know that. Also, the OM was a known person to them and was 'mommies friend'. I have suspected for awhile my oldest knows and is scared to tell me because she thinks she will lose me as a daddy if she does. As for what i'm salvaging...i guess i'm trying to salvage what we had before our marriage went downhill. She is not pure evil. And she never told me she was going to divorce me after the adoption was final-she told me she was going to confess to the affair after the adoption. She said she was going to end the affair because she was 'beginning to see him for what he was'. 

I don' t know, other than i still love her. 

What am i deferring to now? Not telling people? Well, thats what i want too. Eventually the kids will find out or come out with it. For now, the kids know that mommy and daddy have some serious issues we are working on in MC and we couldn't do that living apart in AZ and GA so thats why they had to move.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Just make sure to be honest with the kids - they're also suffering from your wife's choices. It might be good to talk to the oldest about what she's seeing/feeling. She may need to talk to someone neutral about what's happening. It's also helpful for her to be able to open up and not have any secrets and get reassurance from you about your relationship with her as well.

When I wrote about deferring to her, it was in reference to you waiting for her to make a decision about whether to work it out or not. It's just as important (maybe more so?) that YOUR wants are considered. 

Typically, a person engages in an affair because they are selfish and self-centered (myself included) and that is a key piece of their character that needs to be addressed and changed.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Yes, she is very selfish and self-centered. i see what you mean, but all i can do is say i want to try to save the relationship but it takes two to tango. But in a way i will be back in the drivers seat this weekend because i'm not going to allow her to continue to drag this out in limbo land for much longer.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

So great, went home for lunch and got into a big fight. So much for my 180. It ended up as it always does, with her cutting me to pieces and telling me how horrible i am to live with. Now not only did she not want to be here, she told me that none of my kids want to be here. I really hate my life. I just can't take this anymore.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Then stop putting up with this crap tell her to put up or shut up. Are you willing to put up with this the rest of your life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm so sorry - you don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm really worried about how the kids are dealing with being in this toxic environment.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

Yeah, me too. I know it sucks for them as well. I told the wife that i beleived she was still talking to him because of the way she is behaving and she got PISSED. That's what really did it today. I just don't get that at all. Why would someone move 1900 miles with the kids and then just get pissed when i say that? No remorse. Nothing. Just anger and lashing out on me.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> Yeah, me too. I know it sucks for them as well. I told the wife that i beleived she was still talking to him because of the way she is behaving and she got PISSED. That's what really did it today. I just don't get that at all. Why would someone move 1900 miles with the kids and then just get pissed when i say that? No remorse. Nothing. Just anger and lashing out on me.


Unfortunately, it sounds like you're right. Hubby and I talked about this and while I was still all wrapped up in the OM, I was HORRIBLE to my husband. Really nasty and no emotion towards him at all despite the fact that I had just tap danced all over his heart. 

Try to spend lots of time with the kids - do things together, play games, go for a walk/hike/bike ride (it's gorgeous here right now) and just enjoy some down time. Don't allow her to rile you up - no reaction when she's nasty. If she pursues it, just say you don't want to discuss it now. It will diffuse her for now until you two figure out this weekend what is next for your marriage.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Thank you for your services to the US. Your a blessing. 

Sorry this is going to be harsh and ugly!!!!

Now, I just got back from throwing up from reading your story and the embarrasing behaviour you are displaying as a MAN. 

I wish you weren't going through this, but damn man, you really are taking it up the butt and saying oh i wuv her, waaaah, cry me a fcvking river. 

Stop being a sappy weakling and find your BALLS and make some moves to protect your livelihood, cause you sound like a crybaby and taking the beating from her like this is your fault.

Why are you behaving this way because of LOVE? FCVK LOVE....love is not true in your relationship, it is bull****. I tell you right now, I have 2 beautiful girls with my wife, and they are MINE, no one elses and if she cheated I would kick her so hard out the door, her mother would feel it. 

You guys that are so sappy, disgust me so much, its sickening. Why are you so weak, why can't you move on??? Stop with this love bull****, that all went down the toilet when she fvcked another man in your marital bed!!! WOW. WOWOW. 

Your wife is a horrible person. You show extreme low self esteem and self respect. I am not saying these things to hurt you, I am trying to snap you out of the weak man FOG. Your empowering her man to walk all over you. Your losing a fight with a cheater, wow that is ridiculous. Call a lawyer, give them the information and proceed with the divorce. Don't adopt her kids. They are not YOUR kids. You might of fallen in love with them because you raised them for sometime, but they are not yours. They are someone elses, and they will choose there mom over you. Trust me I KNOW!!

I am so in shock of your attitude and mentality through this. I know it hurts, but life goes on, it doesn't end here. Your acting like your wife is the only woman in this world and oh god, i wuv her and want her for the rest of life. Get over HER!!!! She is a stank woman, who had someone else kock all in her face and you want that now?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's pizzed b/c OM told hrr abour his new status on cheaterville. But she can't tell you that can she? Not w/o admitting to contact.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

I don't think she knows cheaterville exists. I don't think he knows. I don't think that website is THAT popular. I had never heard of it before. 

@Samus-Tearing someone down where i am right now is not a smart thing. Before you go posting crap again-do it somewhere else.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

CoH - Many people on here are also betrayed spouses and their responses bear a lot of the pain and hurt that they've experienced. Add to that a sense of frustration and powerlessness when they witness someone else being sh1t on the way they were and it often illicits a very strong response.

While that site may not be very popular, quite a few people are in the habit of googling themselves/contact information so it is possible that they're aware. Good - that should make them think twice.


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## cheatedonhusband33 (Nov 7, 2012)

I understand. 

I just don't understand my wifes anger and where it comes from. I get to go home in a bit...and i am not looking forward to it.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> I understand.
> 
> I just don't understand my wifes anger and where it comes from. I get to go home in a bit...and i am not looking forward to it.


She's angry because you are trying to stop her from having her cake and eating it too. Anger is also a very strong form of manipulation and defense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Think of it like a selfish child pouting and throwing a tantrum. She wants what she want and she wants it now. She hopes that her anger will break you down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

cheatedonhusband33 said:


> I don't think she knows cheaterville exists. I don't think he knows. I don't think that website is THAT popular. I had never heard of it before.
> 
> @Samus-Tearing someone down where i am right now is not a smart thing. Before you go posting crap again-do it somewhere else.


I am sorry if that is the way you feel, but you don't need to be babied and for us to sweet talk you. You deserve to be tore down, because you are not waking up from this delusion that your wife cares two ****s about you. She mentally and physically breaks you down. 

I am only trying to help you see how sad of a state your in and something you can control 100%. Be tough and stay strong and you will get through this sting of life. You will be bitter, annoyed, hateful, but your best bet is to drop the I love her so much attitude/mode and move to the I am a man, and I am strong and I am not going to be treated like this. 

Good luck too you.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

How did the MC session go?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Samus said:


> I am sorry if that is the way you feel, but you don't need to be babied and for us to sweet talk you. You deserve to be tore down, because you are not waking up from this delusion that your wife cares two ****s about you. She mentally and physically breaks you down.
> 
> I am only trying to help you see how sad of a state your in and something you can control 100%. Be tough and stay strong and you will get through this sting of life. You will be bitter, annoyed, hateful, but *your best bet is to drop the I love her so much attitude/mode and move to the I am a man, and I am strong and I am not going to be treated like this. *
> 
> Good luck too you.



:rofl::rofl::rofl:

You nailed it.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Kids need a good home, not this.
Be clear on who you are doing this for and why.

Is there somthing in your past, (maybe childhood) that makes this especially hard for you. 

Your fears and feelings and experiences are not your kids.

They may handle this better than you expect.

Aslo QFT from TCSREDHEAD



TCSRedhead; said:


> I can understand what you're thinking in respect to the children but I will tell you that they already know something is happening. You'll find other threads here (SkaterDad's for example) where the kids did see and didn't know how to tell the betrayed spouse.
> 
> I never advocate being dishonest with your kids. They may not need graphic details but especially with teens, you're showing them what happens in a marriage regardless of whether the two of your reconcile. It's kinder to explain in simple terms what she has done to you, them and the family (betrayal isn't just you - she's harmed them as well) and to get them into counseling. Your daughter is already seeing the tension in the house.
> 
> ...


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