# Cheated after 25 yrs......



## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

I found out for sure just before Christmas that my husband was sleeping with another woman. I can't believe this is really happening to me and that I'm writing about it. Sometimes it feels like a horrible nightmare or that it's happening to someone else. I'm pretty sure that I am going to leave him. I just need to be 100% sure in my mind and come up with a plan. I don't want him to buy my half of the house, I think we should both leave and start over. He says he is not communicating with Her but I don't trust him anymore. I dont want her taking ove rmy life, i would lose it! I don't want to live like that. We were married 25 yrs and now this is it. It's a very large pill to swallow. I need help moving on.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry to hear that


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

How did your husband meet the OW ?


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

His new job. Kept saying they were just friends. She didn't want to meet me and he was fine with that! Makes me very angry that I tried to be so understanding about this friendship. Shoulda just put a bow on his neck and handed him to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to tell someone, a parent or sibling or cousin or friend. You need someone helping you through this.

Have you been to a lawyer yet? That's your first step.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Welcome to the club no one wanted to join. You sound very strong and like you have your head screwed on straight. Get some legal advise, if you haven't done so already to figure out what your options are. 

I'm not surprised your husband is lying to you about the OW, or acting unsure about divorce. In his mind he had the best of both worlds, and that is how he'd like to keep it -- cake dynamic explained here: The Unified Theory of Cake

It's good to talk about it. It helps a lot to get support from other people who've lived this nightmare and come out okay. Keep reading and posting!


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Sorry to hear this. What was the status of your relationship leading up to this? Strong and full of sex or slowly deteriorating?

Im guessing youve confronted and its out in the open? What was that process like? What did he say to you? Does he want R (reconciliation) or is he happy with D (divorce)? How did it go down?


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

My whole family knows and my friends at work too. They have been wonderful but have never been through it. I see a therapist too but still have to make the decisions myself. I will be speaking to a lawyer on the phone in the next day or two. I'm not sure what to be asking tho.


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

HappyHubby
I thought it was strong and was full of sex. It's out in the open and I've offered numerous times to try and forgive but he doesn't seem to know what he wants. I don't want to be with someone I can't trust. I don't want to be doubting all the time and looking over his shoulder all the time. That's no way to live.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

How has your husband been acting during all of this? Does he know the divorce is coming? You two still living together?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> Sorry to hear this. What was the status of your relationship leading up to this? Strong and full of sex or slowly deteriorating?
> 
> Im guessing youve confronted and its out in the open? *What was that process like? What did he say to you? Does he want R (reconciliation) or is he happy with D (divorce)? How did it go down*?


All good questions. Does he seem remorseful? Was he upset? Did you find out, or did he tell you?


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

When he's here he's cold and distant. I had seeing the look on his face when it used to be so full of love. He has no idea this is coming.


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

He has not said sorry and seems totally lost in himself. I'm not sure it's clear to him yet how much he has screwed up and that he is losing me more and more every day. He seems to take one step forward and 3 back. Sometimes I think he's trying to make me say good bye so he doesn't have to.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Getting ready to move on said:


> *When he's here he's cold and distant.* I had seeing the look on his face when it used to be so full of love. He has no idea this is coming.


That doesn't seem remorseful. Does he blame you? Was he planning on leaving you?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Getting ready to move on said:


> He has not said sorry and seems totally lost in himself. I'm not sure it's clear to him yet how much he has screwed up and that he is losing me more and more every day. *He seems to take one step forward and 3 back.* Sometimes I think he's trying to make me say good bye so he doesn't have to.


Please describe what he does to make you say that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Getting ready to move on said:


> HappyHubby
> I thought it was strong and was full of sex. It's out in the open and I've offered numerous times to try and forgive but he doesn't seem to know what he wants. I don't want to be with someone I can't trust. I don't want to be doubting all the time and looking over his shoulder all the time. That's no way to live.


It gets better, after a while. Most of the trust comes back. Not saying it all comes back, however.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Getting ready to move on said:


> I've offered numerous times to try and forgive but he doesn't seem to know what he wants.


That is PRECISELY because you offered numerous times to let him stay.

I doubt you've read a lot of threads, but I've been doing this for 10-11 years, and I can tell you what they all say - it's basic psychology and it follows the cheater's script (yes, there's a script and all cheaters follow it and say/do the exact same things). 

They say this: If you want to save your marriage after your spouse cheats, you MUST KICK THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

Period. The ONLY way to wake him up and WANT YOU is for you to KICK HIM OUT and show him you WILL move on without him.

Why? Because by 'offering numerous times' to forgive him you are telling him that YOU are desperate to keep him, that YOU have NO respect for yourself and feel you can't live without him. What does that tell him? That you are EASY. That you are NOT TO BE RESPECTED. That you are TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. And that you are NOT TO BE DESIRED.

There is no magic bullet to make him care. There is only standing up for yourself. By doing that, you learn to love yourself again, but you also now have a CHANCE of him waking up and saying 'Whadya mean? Wait, no, I WANT you!'


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Turnera is right. They all follow the same script. Listen to what is said and most importantly, do what is said.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry friend.
Detach, protect yourself at all levels, financially, emotionaly.
Start implementing, living the 180.


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

He will say something nice and then in the next breath he'll say something hurtful or say it in a tone of voice that doesn't go with what he's saying.


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

I WAS to afraid to stick to that. I would for a bit and then he'd say something and I'd get wobbly again. I know you guys are right. He is supposed to come home on the 26th. I told him a couple days ago that I don't want him to. I need time for me to get strong. I don't think I want him back anymore. I can't live without trust. I can't be looking over his shoulder all the time. I can't stop thinking that if he really and truly loved me he wouldn't never have done this. I don't want to be compared to someone else either. I want to be strong and happy now.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Getting ready to move on said:


> He will say something nice and then in the next breath he'll say something hurtful or say it in a tone of voice that doesn't go with what he's saying.


The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go
Don't engage with him except for basic necesitties. Don't ask, respond short and to the point, avoid any emotional response. Bussiness like. Start envisioning a life with him. 
Lawyer up.


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

I guess once he pulls his head out of his long enough to see. Leary he will see what he's lost.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hit him with D paperwork---and watch him "get it"---right now he has no accountability, and no reality----let him see a little bit of what things are gonna be like when he loses his wife/partner/BF/lover/person who stuck with him thru thick and thin-----he will wake up---but it just might be way toooo late for him---also go Dark on him

Stand tall and be strong


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Getting ready to move on said:


> I guess once he pulls his head out of his long enough to see. Leary he will see what he's lost.


25 years is a long time to just throw it all away. His loss. Mine threw away 22 years.


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice. I will stand tall and do my best to be strong. I need him to stay away for a while longer so I can keep working on me.


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

I ask myself if one mistake can erase 25 yrs? At first I said no, now I say yes, yes it can when you walked into it with our eyes wide open.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One mistake...what really matters is what he did AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT.

If he isn't doing EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN to make this up to you...he's been Using you and yes, that one mistake CAN erase 25 years.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I am with jnj
When he starts to pay the full consequences of his betrayal he will start to show his real self. If he does not kiss your AZZ then he is hopeless


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## Getting ready to move on (Feb 18, 2013)

If he doesn't kiss my azz I hope it will make this easier to say good bye.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Getting ready to move on said:


> If he doesn't kiss my azz I hope it will make this easier to say good bye.


If he doesn't, then you aren't really losing anything but some dead weight, are you?


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

See a lawyer and get the divorce papers served. Nothing 'concentrates the mind' of a cheater than the realisation you mean business.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he not vested in this marriage.

be strong and do what you know you need to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Getting ready to move on said:


> If he doesn't kiss my azz I hope it will make this easier to say good bye.


 So you have so little self esteem that if he were to call you up and say 'hey baby, let's go to a movie,' you'd be back together?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You say he will be back on the 26th...where is he? Does he work away from home? Is he with her when he's working?

Not to sound rude but there isnt alot of info here to figure out whats really going on.

Im sorry you are here, 25 years is a long time!


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