# How to let go



## Dewy2020

Hello, am passing through an emotional and messy separation right now. We have 4 kids and together 16 years. My spouse is my best and only friend and makes it hard. She wants to hang out with old friends, no commitment, no control and definitely no sex. She has moved most of her things out and comes round sometimes. Every time she is around we end up fighting. I am always reaching out, begging and seeking for a touch, smile or reassurance from her but nothing. I keep making the situation worse by getting angry and then over compensate by been too nice hoping that would bring her back and when she is unresponsive get angry again. I really really just want to stop the pain bring her back or simply be normal for once again. Thanks


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## jlg07

So, sounds like she is just GONE - you cannot "nice" her back. YOU cannot do anything to control how she is feeling.
Sounds like she wants her "youth" back -- hanging out with old friends, etc.. Are the kids with YOU?

YOU need to get yourself together -- eat right, exercise, get sleep when you can, don't drink, get back (or start) hobbies YOU like, stay close and connected with your kids, and start to do the 180:
180 for Betrayed Spouses 

Make sure you get YOUR plans together beyond the separation (i.e. divorce, see a lawyer just to know your options, finances, child support/custody, etc.).


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## Dewy2020

Thanks this has been really very helpful. I like the 180 pointers and I will have to be committed to it no matter what. Thanks again for the encouragement.


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## Lance Mannion

Your mind is working on this program = "I want, I will tell her what I want, she will comply with what I want." And this program is not delivering the results you want. Why not? Because it's *your* program, not *her* program.

What is she seeing play out before her when you run that program? A desperate, needy, pathetic man. What is her program telling her? This guy is a loser. That program also operated when the two of you were young and single. If a single guy had approached her back then and was needy, desperate, begging for her attention, she'd have been creeped out and repulsed.

What does her program want and respond positively to? A man of conviction, strength, independence, a man who doesn't NEED her but who graciously allows her to be his companion as he charges through life fulfilling his goals and missions. That's an exciting ride. That man is making his mark on the world. His self-confidence is appealing to that woman's program.


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## Dewy2020

This is soooo true. Cos I have spent the last six months buying gifts, jumping through hoops, crying, begging and explaining how I want things to be like. I have not taken control in any way. Pathetic!


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## Lance Mannion

Dewy2020 said:


> This is soooo true. Cos I have spent the last six months buying gifts, jumping through hoops, crying, begging and explaining how I want things to be like. I have not taken control in any way. Pathetic!


Let me put on my "Walking Cliche Cloak" - Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Change it up, now. Really that simple. Be a man that woman are attracted to and, maybe, your wife will be one of those women. If not, another will do just as well, because at least that woman will want you and so that makes her a better woman than a woman who doesn't want you.


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## Lance Mannion

Dewy2020 said:


> This is soooo true. Cos I have spent the last six months buying gifts, jumping through hoops, crying, begging and explaining how I want things to be like. I have not taken control in any way. Pathetic!


A couple walk into a party, are meeting new people, get to talking to another couple and the husband says "Man, I got lucky, my wife is waaaay out of my league." This husband thinks he's complimenting his wife, he's not. What he's saying is that his wife chose a man beneath her and she showed pity to her husband by taking him on. The wife is the unlucky one, so that the husband can be the lucky guy who won her as a prize.

She wants to be the one who got lucky, she beat out the other girls and won the prize. Be THAT man!


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## aine

Dewy2020 said:


> Hello, am passing through an emotional and messy separation right now. We have 4 kids and together 16 years. My spouse is my best and only friend and makes it hard. She wants to hang out with old friends, no commitment, no control and definitely no sex. She has moved most of her things out and comes round sometimes. Every time she is around we end up fighting. I am always reaching out, begging and seeking for a touch, smile or reassurance from her but nothing. I keep making the situation worse by getting angry and then over compensate by been too nice hoping that would bring her back and when she is unresponsive get angry again. I really really just want to stop the pain bring her back or simply be normal for once again. Thanks


You need to read up on the 180. What led to the separation in the first place? your behaviour now is most definitely not attractive to your wife. You have not given the circumstances but you need to back off.
The 180 is for you to detach and work on yourself. You are probably spinning right now but only you can control yourself and focus on becoming a better man. Here is the link. Please read although it sounds counterintuitive, what you are doing now is pushing her away even more and she knows you are desperate. Stop being desparate and show that you can be a strong man who is ready to move on. 









The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## aine

Dewy2020 said:


> This is soooo true. Cos I have spent the last six months buying gifts, jumping through hoops, crying, begging and explaining how I want things to be like. I have not taken control in any way. Pathetic!


Doing all the completely WRONG things. You can be a decent man to her without being a doormat! So so unattractive. You need to be the man she was attracted to at the beginning and I doubt it was this!


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## MattMatt

@Dewy2020 She wants to hang out with old friends? Is she having problems coping with the fact that she is 16 years older and a wife and mother?

Or is there another reason why she found it necessary to move out?

How are the children dealing with this? What are there ages? Who are they living with?


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## Marc878

Dewy2020 said:


> This is soooo true. Cos I have spent the last six months buying gifts, jumping through hoops, crying, begging and explaining how I want things to be like. I have not taken control in any way. Pathetic!


you are doing the infamous “pick me dance”. All that does is lower your status and make her boyfriend look better than you.

let her go and you go your own way. Unless you like keeping yourself in limbo. That’s all you’re accomplishing at this time.


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## Marc878

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover 

it’s a free pdf


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Dewy2020 said:


> This is soooo true. Cos I have spent the last six months buying gifts, jumping through hoops, crying, begging and explaining how I want things to be like. I have not taken control in any way. Pathetic!


Buy a boat, more fishing.


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## sokillme

Dewy2020 said:


> Hello, am passing through an emotional and messy separation right now. We have 4 kids and together 16 years. My spouse is my best and only friend and makes it hard. She wants to hang out with old friends, no commitment, no control and definitely no sex. She has moved most of her things out and comes round sometimes. Every time she is around we end up fighting. I am always reaching out, begging and seeking for a touch, smile or reassurance from her but nothing. I keep making the situation worse by getting angry and then over compensate by been too nice hoping that would bring her back and when she is unresponsive get angry again. I really really just want to stop the pain bring her back or simply be normal for once again. Thanks


You should work on this only Friend bit. 

You have to get out of this idea that she is the only path for your happiness. She is not, but it's really up to you. You have to put yourself out there. I would look to try to get involved with things you are into, try to join groups or online groups right now to meet people and make friends. 

This will help you out no matter what happens in your romantic relationships. You will have a better life if you are well rounded and have a diversity of interests and people in your life.

Look I wish I could tell you there is some way to make it work out with her, but it sounds like she has moved on. I know that is incredibly painful for you. BUT YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER. Even though you don't see it, there is happiness still ahead for you, but you are going to need to do somethings to push yourself out there, even though you won't feel like it right now. It's like a death. You have to mourn but you also have to go on. 

I am sorry that this happened to you but will get better, you will have joy again.


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## Dewy2020

I got ill shortly after we got married, went through debilitating breakdown cos of my work so had to take time out. The kids came shortly after that and was busy raising the kids. Am a task focused person 24/7. So she felt like I neglected her and she never was priority. Thanks


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## Dewy2020

Today has been a step in the right direction for me. Took up Karate, downloaded No More Mr Nice Guy, started practising 180 tip points and I tell you I am feeling better already. Thanks


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## lifeistooshort

Did she communicate to you that she felt neglected?

If so what was your response? A lot of guys don't take this seriously until she leaves or the sex stops, and then it tends to focus on sex. Even here your wife has basically moved out and told you she felt neglected and yoir response is to buy stuff and complain about sex.

If you are going through a separation why are you begging for touch and why would you think sex would be involved?

Have you done anything to try to address the neglect beyond buying stuff and pushing for sex?


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## aine

@Dewy2020 , you should also read up on walk away wife syndrome: it may give you insight into why she left you.


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## Nailhead

Dewy2020 said:


> This is soooo true. Cos I have spent the last six months buying gifts, jumping through hoops, crying, begging and explaining how I want things to be like. I have not taken control in any way. Pathetic!


Pick me dance never works. Time to be the gray rock and become indifferent.


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## Dewy2020

lifeistooshort said:


> Did she communicate to you that she felt neglected?
> 
> If so what was your response? A lot of guys don't take this seriously until she leaves or the sex stops, and then it tends to focus on sex. Even here your wife has basically moved out and told you she felt neglected and yoir response is to buy stuff and complain about sex.
> 
> If you are going through a separation why are you begging for touch and why would you think sex would be involved?
> 
> Have you done anything to try to address the neglect beyond buying stuff and pushing for sex?


I was naive on how to deal with it. I heard but did not listen would be appropriate but many times before this all happened I mentioned therapy many times but she declined that we should be able to talk it through and work it out but......


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## Lance Mannion

Dewy2020 said:


> I was naive on how to deal with it. I heard but did not listen would be appropriate but many times before this all happened I mentioned therapy many times but she declined that we should be able to talk it through and work it out but......


There was a member here who journaled his journey, maybe some of the regulars will remember his name and link you to his thread. He had read his wife's journal and found her planning to leave him but was biding her time until the money situation improved. He came here and asked for help. The legions here jumped into action and started giving him advice. He started improving himself, did the 180, became the man she wanted and slowly, slowly, her perception of him and her attitude towards him shifted and then she came back to him, fully on board with the marriage.

I thought his name was "Bagelon" but that's not showing up in member-search. Maybe someone else remembers and can provide a link.


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## Dewy2020

Lance Mannion said:


> There was a member here who journaled his journey, maybe some of the regulars will remember his name and link you to his thread. He had read his wife's journal and found her planning to leave him but was biding her time until the money situation improved. He came here and asked for help. The legions here jumped into action and started giving him advice. He started improving himself, did the 180, became the man she wanted and slowly, slowly, her perception of him and her attitude towards him shifted and then she came back to him, fully on board with the marriage.
> 
> I thought his name was "Bagelon" but that's not showing up in member-search. Maybe someone else remembers and can provide a link.


I would look forward to the help in becoming a better me. Thanks


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## 347055

Dewy2020 said:


> Hello, am passing through an emotional and messy separation right now. We have 4 kids and together 16 years. My spouse is my best and only friend and makes it hard. She wants to hang out with old friends, no commitment, no control and definitely no sex. *She has moved most of her things out and comes round sometimes*. Every time she is around we end up fighting. I am always reaching out, begging and seeking for a touch, smile or reassurance from her but nothing. I keep making the situation worse by getting angry and then over compensate by been too nice hoping that would bring her back and when she is unresponsive get angry again. I really really just want to stop the pain bring her back or simply be normal for once again. Thanks


Change locks on the doors, serve her with divorce papers, move on with your life. The Karate sounds like a terrific confidence builder, you wont be taking s**t from anyone.

Quit talking with her except through your attorney and be sure she gets 50% custody so you have as much time for a new life as she has now. Make HER life some of the hell she is making yours. This life is too short to waste it with someone who has no use for you. The sea is filled with plenty of fish.


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