# Fiance Cheated I'm Lossed & Confused



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

About our relationship:

We have been together for over a year
and engaged for 6 months. The first 7 months
were great, the last 6 months were not so great.
I have been going through a child support case 
with a previous ex and have been depressed to the
point of not showing my fiance love, attention and effection.
Sex was maybe once per month - i was that stressed and depressed.
I rarely talked to her (and we live together) and paid her no mind
for the last 6 months. 


A little over a week ago while my fiance was
at her mothers hair salon (her mom was on vacation and needed
to help her brother watch over the place) I called her at about
12:30 PM and she did not answer. This isn't strange but when it was 
1:20 PM and hadn't called back that was strange. So I called again
and no answer. I then called her brother who was at the salon
and he said that she went to her grandmothers apartment to eat lunch
and I said ok, just have her call me. Foe some reason, I just had this real
strange feeling like something wasn't right and decided to send her text that
said "Hey I'm at the salon, where are you?" 

5 minutes later she sent me a text back and said she went to some stores
a few blocks down, and I tried calling her again and she again didn't answer 
and sent me a text as I was calling her that said "Stay at the salon I'll be there soon"
I knew then something was wrong, and I proceeded to call until she answered, and when
she did, I asked her what part of the street she was on and what store so I could walk
over to meet her and she refused to tell me anything. She asked me why I was acting 
like that and asked me if I was spying and I said I'm not even at the salon I'm home.
I thought it was odd that there was no background noise giving that the street she said she was
on is in a major US city with tons of noise. 

In any case, after some back and fourth and her telling he she bumped into an old friend
at the store which is why she couldnt answer, I asked her to come home. While she was on 
her way home I decided to look at the phone bill and noticed the last 3 times she went to her
moms salon she called a number that isn't stored on her phone. I called it and a guy answered
so I just hung up. So when she got home I asked her about this guy that she been calling only from
the salon and she said oh it was an old friend from college from 2 years back and she just
wanted to talk. This and much more turned out to be all lies.

After hours and hours of asking her and pressing her for answers;

It turns out this guy is her ex from a few years ago, at first she lied about where she was (at the store)
and she then said she sat in the car with him for over an hour only to talk) she also said they only
talked by phone on 2 previous other days which was a lie when I saw saved images of her email communication
with him. She was emailing and texting him while home with me. After all this stuff came out, I knew she cheated
but couldn't prove it and she wouldn't admit it. Anyways, a few days later i started pressing her again and finally
she cracked and said she slept with him in a hotel that day she was at the salon and not answering my call. 

I was shocked and still am. We spoke about it and it she admitted it was because I paid her zero attention and 
we rarely ever had sex, both of which were true. She wants to stay in the relationship and she says she still loves
me and wishes she could have done a more mature thing first like talk to me about our issues before going
out behind my back. 

She never tried to blame me for this happening. Its crazy because the night before this happened she tried 
to have sex with me and I kinda pushed her arms off and said I was tired and stressed. 

She tried her hardest to hide this all from me and lied about everything until I pressed and dragged one thing
at a time from her. We had a bit more detailed conversation last night that she really didn't seem comfortable
talking about as if she felt more and more ashamed as she spoke. I really don't know how I can forgive her for this.
I feel even though what she did was wrong, I'm partially at fault for pushing her to do it through neglect and lack of sex. 

Even after we talked I had her write to me on paper, why she did it, how it made her feel, how did she feel
about it after she did what she did, how did she feel once i found out etc etc.. I thinked it helped a bit more.

She was very clear and detailed about what she wrote. She pointed out every time it was her fault
even though I feel partially at fault for this and even changed her phone# and email on her own
just to make me feel like her ex can not contact her again. She had already sent a text to her ex 
not to contact her again that she wanted to keep her relationship the same day this all happened 
on that Saturday.

I'm certain if I never neglected her or denied her love, sex etc this would have never happened, but
its so hard to forgive her. The image of her in my mind doing what she did is hard to shake... 

Do you guys feel this is something we can work through?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

It sounds like you can (not that I'm an expert by any measure).

From what I've read, however, infedility this early on in a relationship is a very bad sign.

Perhaps you could go to relationship counselling? It can work out expensive, but could be a good investment.

The right decision might not be that you stay together, but you owe it to yourselves to explore all of the issues here.

Keep posting. You are not alone and remember this wasn't your fault.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Holy crap I don't care what your root cause issue is, if you're a year in and someone is cheating, get the heck out.

You're supposed to be in honeymoon phase dude. Marriage doesn't fix problems, it makes them worse. When stress levels are higher, you've got kids to worry about, and sh*t hits the fan, she's going to revert to her standard practice. Which appears to be other people.

Run from this chick, fast, and don't look back. Unless you enjoy wasting your life away.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so when the going gets bad, which it will in any marriage, she will feel justified to go out and cheat instead of approaching you to work on things?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Well, think about it this way. You're at the start of it and her automatic response to your bad moment was to cheat on you. Unless you're sure you will never have another bad slump in your life i don't see it as a good sign. 

Don't you have enough problems already? Cut your losses while you're ahead.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Guys I agree with much of what is said...

In all fairness - I neglected her BIGTIME for 6 months. I'm talking spending 14+ hours a day on the computer completely ignoring her at home (i work from home) and no sex while she just looked depressed on the couch day in and day out for 6 months. 

The thing that makes me want to give it a shot is most people would cheat IMO if they got treated like this. In the back of my mind I knew how bad I was and thought she would end up cheating if i didn't change, good thing is my court case is over. 

In no way do I condone or does she think that this was the right way to handle this given how I was over the last 6 months. However, just trying to be a realist and I think even I would have cheated in this situation. My friends basically said I had a big hand in causing what she did, however they didn't agree with what she did.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so when the going gets bad, which it will in any marriage, she will feel justified to go out and cheat instead of approaching you to work on things?


She knows now she was immature and said she should have spoken to me about it (which she tried to a few times and I kinda blew it off) She never made it a big point to discuss it, but made lots of comments about it which I just tried to say dont worry it will get better and it didnt. She says she knows now it aint worth it just to have meaningless sex. She is 23 I'm 33, I think she is still learning alot about relationships and life. 

My major sticking point is can I get past it and allow it to continue, a deep part of me wants to because I feel like I was a big part of the problem.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

An engagement/courtship period is a trial run to gauge how a person would work out as a spouse. Your fiance has proven that she will cheat on you. Yes, you helped to create a stressful situation. But cheating should disqualify her from consideration as a wife.

In your future life together, I can guarantee that you would face more stressful situations that you did not create. How would she respond to those? She might respond by cheating again.

If she cheats in several years, say after a mortgage, asset accumulation, and children, then you're right back in court. I would think you would want to avoid that possibility.

Is it possible that past behavior doesn't predict future behavior in this instance? Yes. But it's a big risk you're taking.

I suggest you take your lesson learned about neglecting your partner and apply it to a new relationship.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> She knows now she was immature and said she should have spoken to me about it (which she tried to a few times and I kinda blew it off) She never made it a big point to discuss it, but made lots of comments about it which I just tried to say dont worry it will get better and it didnt. She says she knows now it aint worth it just to have meaningless sex. She is 23 I'm 33, I think she is still learning alot about relationships and life.
> 
> *My major sticking point is can I get past it and allow it to continue, a deep part of me wants to because I feel like I was a big part of the problem*.


You screwed up by not communicating.

She screwed up by screwing her old bf.

Is that going to be her default response in life?

"My H did this wrong, who can I screw?"

She is 23, and she sounds very immature. 

If you can get past this and stay together it may be rugsweeping and you could see a sequel in the future.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The thing that makes me want to give it a shot is most people would cheat IMO if they got treated like this.


Actually i think most people would resort to other types of solution. Make a scene, unplug your computer, throw pottery at you... Whatever it took to wake you up. Don't be naive about this mate. She cheated because she wanted to cheat. If it didn't happen now it would happen later in the marriage. 

Plus, she obviously still has the hots for this other guy. This will a thorn on your side for years. Probably for the duration of the relationship.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> An engagement/courtship period is a trial run to gauge how a person would work out as a spouse. Your fiance has proven that she will cheat on you. Yes, you helped to create a stressful situation. But cheating should disqualify her from consideration as a wife.
> 
> In your future life together, I can guarantee that you would face more stressful situations that you did not create. How would she respond to those? She might respond by cheating again.
> 
> ...


I did ask her about that. I asked her what happens when the times are tougher and she said it wouldnt happen again and it just isn't worth it. 

Is that the truth or lying? I really don't know, but she has already changed her number, closed her email account and opened a new one and said she didnt care what passwords i have as long as she can earn my trust again.

Its a tough choice.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lost11104 said:


> The thing that makes me want to give it a shot is most people would cheat IMO if they got treated like this.


If my son came to me with a fiance and said that she was like most other girls, I would advise him to move on to another girl. In my opinion, a truly successful, long-term marriage requires an exceptional girl. Your wife should be the best of the best.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Figure out what you want first and go from there.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> I did ask her about that. I asked her what happens when the times are tougher and she said it wouldnt happen again and it just isn't worth it.
> 
> *Is that the truth or lying?* I really don't know, but she has already changed her number, closed her email account and opened a new one and said she didnt care what passwords i have as long as she can earn my trust again.
> 
> Its a tough choice.


who knows, but the doubt will eat you alive

I believe that established marriages and in particular ones with children it may be worth trying to see if it will work in R if both parties agree to working hard on it and understand the long term process they will go through

it is very likely that it will take longer to heal from this betrayal than the time you already have been together, is that worth starting a marriage over?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I should also point out that right now you are afraid of loss instead of figuring out what's best

fear shouldn't be the decision maker here


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> If my son came to me with a fiance and said that she was like most other girls, I would advise him to move on to another girl. In my opinion, a truly successful, long-term marriage requires an exceptional girl. Your wife should be the best of the best.


I agree with this in general. But if my son said Dad, I payed her NO attention for 6 months, had sex 5 times, didnt make her feel loved or even wanted, I would ask my son what the hell is wrong with him. 

I always try to analyze from both sides and frankly was surprised she didn't cheat sooner. Not because I think that is the right thing to do, but because I was that bad of a partner. 

There is a saying that if you aint screwing your wife, someone else will be. 

She has always tried to seek my attention and I just couldn't be there for her during that time.

Let me be clear in no way am I defending or condoning what she did. However, I am a realist and surprised she even stayed in the relationship this long after how I acted all those months.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lost11104 said:


> I did ask her about that. I asked her what happens when the times are tougher and she said it wouldnt happen again and it just isn't worth it.
> 
> Is that the truth or lying? I really don't know, but she has already changed her number, closed her email account and opened a new one and said she didnt care what passwords i have as long as she can earn my trust again.
> 
> Its a tough choice.


It is a tough choice. And it's your choice. And you can't know for sure whether she's actually remorseful, or simply trying to do what you require in order to marry her.

My point of view is that you don't know what the future holds. But, you know what the past holds. If you date a woman who seems perfect, marry her, and ten years down the road, she cheats on you, at least you can say that you didn't see it coming. You can't say that about your fiance.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

First you have to get over the feeling that you caused her to cheat because of your own stress and depression. You were depressed and stressed and needed her understanding and support. Instead you got a cheating, lying fiance.

The problems with the relationship can be 50/50. But it was her choice to contact her Ex. No one caused her to do it. It was her choice and her choice alone to cheat. It was her choice to lie to you about where she was and what she was doing. 

Did she learn her lesson? Time will tell. But do you want to take that gamble? She has shown you how she deals with problems between the two of you.

Physical cheating is a deal breaker for me in a marriage. A cheating fiance is not a challenge to be conquered or solved - it would be the end.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I should also point out that right now you are afraid of loss instead of figuring out what's best
> 
> fear shouldn't be the decision maker here


I'm not fearing losing her, I love her and feel like while I didnt hold a gun to her head and tell her to do what she did, I feel partially at fault because if I never changed I'm 100% certain this wouldn't have happened.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry for your pain, but she is very much blaming you. She also chose to lie right to your face and was able to do it without batting an eyelash. She even talked to you on the phone while she was with him. No quiver in her voice or guilt.

She did justify lying to you, sneaking out to date him, and meeting up to have sex with him during the affair.

You are who are, and the way you are loving your life isn't something you should be changing because you fear she will cheat.

You've seen into hear heart and true character here,she is a person who cheats with out remorse or guilt, and who suddenly turns around when caught in her lies.

This isn't the person you should be with. She isn't able to be there fir you in your troubled times. She is able to lie right to your face.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> First you have to get over the feeling that you caused her to cheat because of your own stress and depression. You were depressed and stressed and needed her understanding and support. Instead you got a cheating, lying fiance.
> 
> The problems with the relationship can be 50/50. But it was her choice to contact her Ex. No one caused her to do it. It was her choice and her choice alone to cheat. It was her choice to lie to you about where she was and what she was doing.
> 
> ...


Her ex contacted her by email and since she got zero attention from me, she just went with it and instead of ignoring what I wasn't giving her, she took it elsewhere.

Your 100% correct, she knows it was her choice and fault. She hasnt blamed me for it, but woman do need to be loved and as a human they have needs.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lost11104 said:


> I always try to analyze from both sides and frankly was surprised she didn't cheat sooner. Not because I think that is the right thing to do, but because I was that bad of a partner.


I agree that you acted badly. And if you think you deserved this, I guess that's fair. But I will tell you right now that, in your future life, you will deserve it again. You will act badly again. Will you act so badly that your wife cheats on you? Who knows?

If this is your focus, then you need to determine exactly what your fiancé's threshold for tolerating bad behavior is, and try to stay away from it.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also ask yourself why if things were so bad didn't she breakup with you? She could have done that, but no she preferred and chose to cheat.

Btw, just because you've caught her doesn't mean she isn't going to keep lying and dating her EX. She obviously still wants to be with him.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

I am sorry to see that you are going through this. The thing is you have to look at the bigger picture like most everyone else is stating. 

If you neglect your GF/Spouse it is there responsibility to inform you and explain to you that you are not paying attention and try there best to work on the relationship. 

Cheating is never an appropriate response of being in neglect, it is the opposite. For her to not come to you regarding her feelings of neglect, tells me a whole lot of how she does not confide in you and there could be possible deeper communication issues between you two. 

I would recommend, as hard as it is, to cut your losses and move on. Even though you neglected her, it never gives someone a free pass to cheat on you. 

The bigger picture is when/if you get married and have children, the busy lives of parenting could cause feelings of neglect between spouses. The constant yearning of the children wanting there parents attention during the day and night, could cause feelings of neglect. This can cause alot of stress on a mommy and lead to turning to someone else for sexual satisfaction. With your GF the way she reacted to stress in this situation, I am almost sure that history will repeat itself yet again.


----------



## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I would give her a second chance if she is feeling genuiene remorse for cheating.

My fiance cheated on me 7 weeks ago... posted on here and everyone told me to leave him. I ended our relationship that very same day but four days later I realised that it wasnt what I really wanted.

No one has a crystal ball on here. Just go with your gut feeling but I wouldnt make any rash decisions right now as you are very emotional. Give yourself about six weeks to decide what to do. By then you will feel calmer about the whole situation.

Incidentally, my fiance cheated on me purely because the opportunity was there and he was attracted to her. I genueienly believe that he lost his head at that moment and made a terrible mistake. We have reconciled and are both trying to get back on track.

Once a cheater always a cheater? Who knows. All i know that the decision of giving it a second go is right for me at this precise moment.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> Her ex contacted her by email and since she got zero attention from me, she just went with it and instead of ignoring what I wasn't giving her, she took it elsewhere.
> 
> Your 100% correct, she knows it was her choice and fault. She hasnt blamed me for it, but woman do need to be loved and as a human they have needs.


I read your posts to mean you are not married. If you want to stay with her, then you need to call off the wedding. You both need to work on what it means to be in a committed relationship (though she needs a lot more work than you). Don't rush into it until you are both ready.


----------



## here2learn (Aug 23, 2012)

I think some more digging around is needed to get the full story. Right now, you only know what she fessed up to. I'm sure you're familiar with the term trickle truth. In the meantime, btain access to her e-mail/Facebook/other social media passwords and demand total transparency going forward as a condition of you remaining with her. You need to know all of the facts before you can make a decision to stay with her.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> Guys I agree with much of what is said...
> 
> In all fairness - I neglected her BIGTIME for 6 months. I'm talking spending 14+ hours a day on the computer completely ignoring her at home (i work from home) and no sex while she just looked depressed on the couch day in and day out for 6 months.
> 
> ...


Maybe you are not right for one another?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What if she gets better at lying and hiding?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> I would give her a second chance if she is feeling genuiene remorse for cheating.
> 
> My fiance cheated on me 7 weeks ago... posted on here and everyone told me to leave him. I ended our relationship that very same day but four days later I realised that it wasnt what I really wanted.
> 
> ...


:slap:


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

here2learn said:


> I think some more digging around is needed to get the full story. Right now, you only know what she fessed up to. I'm sure you're familiar with the term trickle truth. In the meantime, btain access to her e-mail/Facebook/other social media passwords and demand total transparency going forward as a condition of you remaining with her. You need to know all of the facts before you can make a decision to stay with her.



She doesn't have any social media accounts. We spend nearly 24/7 with each other and that saturday wasn't a typical Saturday, she had an opportunity that normally wouldn't have been possible for her to do this. For the past year we spent all our time with each other. She hasn't been making any secret phone calls or texts during that time.

I didn;t have to demand transparency, she already said I could have her email address passwords etc etc with no issues about it.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What if she gets better at lying and hiding?


I'm a pro at it so it is quite easy for me to catch someone, its actually to easy. I had a very darkside for all the years during my 20's. I eventually changed and grew out of it


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you'd be surprised how cheaters find the time

at the very least if you are still waffling then I suggest investigating to see if you can check cell phone records and perhaps pull off deleted texts depending on the phone


----------



## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Looks like you want to work on your relationship with her. I would hold of getting married anytime soon... call it off or delay it until you both can overcome this. 

Also, be glad you caught her now...cause it probably would of continued, and she might of developed stronger feelings for him. 

She know she was wrong, unfortuntely, it was after getting caught.


----------



## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> I'm a pro at it so it is quite easy for me to catch someone, its actually to easy. I had a very darkside for all the years during my 20's. I eventually changed and grew out of it


I have that same gift... and yes, a darkside. Cheaters are easy to catch, sometimes i can just look at someone and know they are game or not. A sick gift it is


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> But, you know what the past holds. If you date a woman who seems perfect, marry her, and ten years down the road, she cheats on you, at least you can say that you didn't see it coming. You can't say that about your fiance.


This is one of the most rational thoughts I've read on here!

Having seen what she's able to do, being cheated on/lied once there's trouble early in the relationship, having all this in front of your eyes and choosing to ignore it.., sounds like the most foolish thing you could do. 

Why? Because she chose the easiest way in the first place.
What's going to happen once the times get tougher and bigger problems happen in marriage?


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> but woman do need to be loved and as a human they have needs.


Everybody needs to be loved. Not only women. And your fiance has the right to be loved but at least she should have been decent enough to break up with you first and then go look for love from her ex or someone else.
No one is stealing her right to be loved. It's just that she should have chosen a better way to get the love she wanted.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you'd be surprised how cheaters find the time
> 
> at the very least if you are still waffling then I suggest investigating to see if you can check cell phone records and perhaps pull off deleted texts depending on the phone



I already been through the records !!  

I am 100% sure it never happened before. if she wasn;t with me, she was with her mom at the salon. I knew she was there because we would talk all throughout the day at random times and I always heard her mom in the background. As well, the days she went there was never any lack of phone activity for 2-3 hours like there was this past saturday. She would go once a week to do her hair at the salon and come home. No strange numbers until the first saturday of this month. 

LOL.. I took her micro sd card out of her phone to recover the data, that is how i found images of the emails that they sent back and fourth. Im surprised she never called him when she stepped out the house without me to go to the store or to walk the dog etc..She only called him when she went to the salon. The other 2 days she called him I know they didnt see each other. Looking over her phone records with the times i spoke to her and the times she spoke to others and the time she was gone to get her hair done, no way possible to do it.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> This is one of the most rational thoughts I've read on here!
> 
> Having seen what she's able to do, being cheated on/lied once there's trouble early in the relationship, having all this in front of your eyes and choosing to ignore it.., sounds like the most foolish thing you could do.
> 
> ...


We discused the what if's about next time. She keeps saying she learned from it and it will not happen again. I applied an extreme amount of pressure and stress on her this week waiting for her to snap and see if she leaves. I even woke her at 6AM this morning to talk about it for about 4 hours straight. She still here, which is a good thing because she isnt running from the stress


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Incidentally, my fiance cheated on me purely because the opportunity was there and he was attracted to her. I genueienly believe that he lost his head at that moment and made a terrible mistake. We have reconciled and are both trying to get back on track.
> .


God.....help me!
I'm just speechless.

I feel pity and mercy for you. 

I wonder how many other times your fiance will loose his head over other women during the course of his life...


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

The bishop said:


> Looks like you want to work on your relationship with her. I would hold of getting married anytime soon... call it off or delay it until you both can overcome this.
> 
> Also, be glad you caught her now...cause it probably would of continued, and she might of developed stronger feelings for him.
> 
> She know she was wrong, unfortuntely, it was after getting caught.


Thats is for sure, I asked her to take off the ring and I took it back from her and told her to only put it back on when she is sure she knows how to act like a mature woman that wants to be engaged and get married. She didnt put it back on yet, she knows she has some work to do.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You seem pretty set on staying

thus I will then recommend to take your time in making any major decisions, healing from infidelity is similar to grief of death of a loved one- you go through stages denial, anger, etc. The fun part is that you will cycle and repeat these stages for a long time.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> You seem pretty set on staying
> 
> thus I will then recommend to take your time in making any major decisions, healing from infidelity is similar to grief of death of a loved one- you go through stages denial, anger, etc. The fun part is that you will cycle and repeat these stages for a long time.


I think your right, if I knew I had been there for her instead of mentally physically vanishing from the relationship while I dealt with my own stress, and she had done this it would be very cut and dry to kick her ass out and end it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stop taking the onus on yourself

YES you are responsible for the sh!tty relationship when you did that

you are NOT responsible for her response


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> YES you are responsible for the sh!tty relationship when you did that
> 
> you are NOT responsible for her response


Exactly!
She could have chosen to kill herself but you can't be held responsible for how she acts.
You are responsible for how you act and react to her actions.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you trying to convince yourself by arguing (for her) with us ? I don't mean this in a condescending way. Even though you seem to have made your decision, I suggest you take more time to make the final decision to reconcile. Remember, she is not you.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

DON'T

My fiance cheated on me, and I almost made the biggest mistake of my life if I married her. 

Get out now. No matter what the reason, no matter what the excuse. Cheating before theres even a ring on her engaged finger is a black flag, defcon 6, whatever just get the hell out now!

She cheated on me 7 months from the wedding, a month away from the wedding I called it off.

2 weeks afterwards she pawned her wedding ring, sold half my crap in the home I just got a mortgage on for us, rewrote the history of the relationship, telling everyone in earshot and my friends how much of an immature ass hole I am and how I could do this *to her*, and moved in with OM.

Also using some the money she got from selling the ring I spent two weeks picking out and working near a month of overtime for and my stuff(360 and PS3 about 30 or so games, camping equipment, even the radio from my car she bought me for christmas) she helped OM pay his fvcking rent.

The only solace I could take from this was that I could've been married to that piece of trash. 

Its not worth it man, its just not worth it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a lot of us been in the same spot as you, many of us have the same reaction, "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" "if I was a better husband/BF would she have cheated?" "why why why why why?"

we want to "fix" it, so we try to identify ourselves as the underlying cause and take measures to ensure it won't happen again or any more. The truth is that we do indeed need to better ourselves but you need to realize that your actions did not cause the cheating. She had a multitude of options at hand that may have been harder choices but better ones.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> a lot of us been in the same spot as you, many of us have the same reaction, "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" "if I was a better husband/BF would she have cheated?" "why why why why why?"
> 
> we want to "fix" it, so we try to identify ourselves as the underlying cause and take measures to ensure it won't happen again or any more. The truth is that we do indeed need to better ourselves but you need to realize that your actions did not cause the cheating. She had a multitude of options at hand that may have been harder choices but better ones.


Im not asking myself that. I know what i did to deserve this. My best friends told me the same thing, they said **** man..You were like this for 6 months, what the hell did you expect to happen? They didn't agree with what she did but by no means did they think I shouldn't have seen that coming and got what I deserved for doing what I did. Its just reality, sure if we lived in a perfect world a spouse would always approach the other and talk, but thats not reality. I should have been taking care of my business with her.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I guess I'm not going to reach you, I hope one day you will see this for what it is


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I guess I'm not going to reach you, I hope one day you will see this for what it is


You know what they say. Some kids gotta put their hand in the fire before they know if it'll burn them or not. 

Hes gonna learn, its just probably gonna be too late by then.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> Im not asking myself that. I know what i did to deserve this. My best friends told me the same thing, they said **** man..You were like this for 6 months, what the hell did you expect to happen? They didn't agree with what she did but by no means did they think I shouldn't have seen that coming and got what I deserved for doing what I did. Its just reality, sure if we lived in a perfect world a spouse would always approach the other and talk, but thats not reality. I should have been taking care of my business with her.


Sorry but your friends are idiots. Theres never an excuse and no one deserves to be cheated on.

My gf has a high sex drive, mine is relatively low. She was very unsatisfied with our sex life of once a week or so for more than several months without me having a clue. 

Shes hot and smart. She definitely could have found an attractive man to fill in the blanks with. 

But she didn't. Being the real and dignified woman she is, she sat me down and COMMUNICATED. From there I worked hard to accommodate her needs until I became nearly as high drive as she is, and now its natural.

Don't accept this, or its gonna happen again.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> Thats is for sure, I asked her to take off the ring and I took it back from her and told her to only put it back on when she is sure she knows how to act like a mature woman that wants to be engaged and get married. She didnt put it back on yet, she knows she has some work to do.


The problem I have with this is that the decision is not just hers - its yours as well. You both need to be ready to get married. You need to be sure about the changes you see, not just wait for her. You also need to be sure about the changes in yourself.

Bluntly, your posts come across as very passive - you accept what happens without engaging. You put off the marriage but allow it to occur when others are ready for it, not when you are ready. You need to get yourself straightened out and engage in what you want to happen. Marriage is a joint decision, not just hers.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> Im not asking myself that. I know what i did to deserve this. My best friends told me the same thing, they said **** man..You were like this for 6 months, what the hell did you expect to happen? They didn't agree with what she did but by no means did they think I shouldn't have seen that coming and got what I deserved for doing what I did. Its just reality, sure if we lived in a perfect world a spouse would always approach the other and talk, but thats not reality. I should have been taking care of my business with her.


So your plan from now on is to do whatever she needs just so that she doesn't let others bang her? The rest of the life is a long time, sounds like a lot of work.

Good luck.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> God.....help me!
> I'm just speechless.
> 
> I feel pity and mercy for you.
> ...


Hey, as long as the opportunity to cheat doesn't arise and/or he's not attracted to other women, she should be fine.

Sorry, are we allowed to use sarcasm yet?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Good luck with that. Don't screw up and make any mistakes, you wouldn't want to give her a justified reason to cheat on you again. When she does, you can just try harder.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> Im not asking myself that. I know what i did to deserve this. My best friends told me the same thing, they said **** man..You were like this for 6 months, what the hell did you expect to happen? They didn't agree with what she did but by no means did they think I shouldn't have seen that coming and got what I deserved for doing what I did..


Yeah but what you did is no way near to what she did and can't be compared.
Your friend sounds shallow. Sorry.


----------



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Not being a jerk, but she'll cheat on you again. I didn't find out until after I was married but my wife cheated on me 3 months before the wedding. She cheated again 3 months after the wedding too. 

She's on her way out the door, but if she's willing to cheat so easily then when the troubles of life come showing their ugly heads again you know where you'll find her. 

It is your life and your decision to make. If you stay with her, don't rug sweep it. 

Also, whether you believe it or not you're still in denial. The sheer gravity of this situation hasn't hit you yet. It will.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

COguy said:


> Good luck with that. Don't screw up and make any mistakes, you wouldn't want to give her a justified reason to cheat on you again. When she does, you can just try harder.


Exactly. That toilet seat goes DOWN!!!


----------



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah but what you did is no way near to what she did and can't be compared.
> Your friend sounds shallow. Sorry.


:iagree::iagree:

are your friends 23 too? Your fiancee is 1 year removed from college age, you should cut your losses, realize her maturity level isnt there, and find a woman who is closer in age to you and is ready for an adult relationship.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lost11104 said:


> She doesn't have any social media accounts. We spend nearly 24/7 with each other and that saturday wasn't a typical Saturday, she had an opportunity that normally wouldn't have been possible for her to do this.


The fact that she cheated at her first available opportunity, with little to no courting from the other man, bodes ill.

After you are married, she will have greater opportunity to cheat. Other men will have more time to work on gaming her.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> I already been through the records !!
> 
> I am 100% sure it never happened before. if she wasn;t with me, she was with her mom at the salon. I knew she was there because we would talk all throughout the day at random times and I always heard her mom in the background. As well, the days she went there was never any lack of phone activity for 2-3 hours like there was this past saturday. She would go once a week to do her hair at the salon and come home. No strange numbers until the first saturday of this month.
> 
> LOL.. I took her micro sd card out of her phone to recover the data, that is how i found images of the emails that they sent back and fourth. Im surprised she never called him when she stepped out the house without me to go to the store or to walk the dog etc..She only called him when she went to the salon. The other 2 days she called him I know they didnt see each other. Looking over her phone records with the times i spoke to her and the times she spoke to others and the time she was gone to get her hair done, no way possible to do it.


You make a great argument here on how it couldn't happen.

Yet it did.

She was able to connect and meet up with him successfully and have sex.

You spent almost all the time in the day with or in contact with her and yet you both blame her cheating on your lack of attention and love you gave her.

Do you see how your argument is valid logically, but fails in reality.

You caught her this time. Now she knows where she slipped up and how you found her. She won't do the same next time.

But more fundamentally you are ignoring that she was able emotionally and physically to cheat on you. This isn't buying a different brand of coffee and not telling you. This is choosing to do the number on thing you are forbidden to do in a committed relationship: have sex with another person.

That she was so easily able emotionally to choose to do it shows she does not love you, you are not her world, and she does not respect you. If she actually felt those things she would not have been able to choose like she did to cheat. If she was horny she would have taken care of it herself. She wasnt lonely you're around all the time as is her family.

I know you want to save it, but her actions reveal the truth of who she is and what she thinks of you and how she doesn't value your relationship above all else.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> Im not asking myself that. I know what i did to deserve this. My best friends told me the same thing, they said **** man..You were like this for 6 months, what the hell did you expect to happen? They didn't agree with what she did but by no means did they think I shouldn't have seen that coming and got what I deserved for doing what I did. Its just reality, sure if we lived in a perfect world a spouse would always approach the other and talk, but thats not reality. I should have been taking care of my business with her.


Why are you defending a cheater? Why are you being so passive? I know you love her, but come on, your being extremely naive. 

Your letting your emotions cloud your judgement. A woman that cheats on a man when the man has no real commitment (kids, house, finance, joint accounts) is a no brainer see you later walk away type ordeal. You are making her out to be a person that is easily reformed. 

I repeat NEGLECT doesn't give anyone a free pass to cheat on you. The good thing you recognized you were neglecting your GF, but she could broke up with you instead of cheating on you. 

Your attitude is that of a person in there early 20s who can can't seem to discern right from wrong. Be a man and step up and drop this woman before she hurts you more in the future when you have a lot more to account for (like KIDS, Mortgage, financial responsibilities, cars and many other things). 

Ask yourself do you have self esteem issues? Are you worried to be alone? If any of these are your concern with leaving this woman, then rest assured that you will be hurt even more when she cheats on you and you see your children in a broken home. You will ask yourself was it worth it? Was it worth ignoring all these strangers here who are trying to help you, because they have been there?

:scratchhead:


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Hes gonna rugsweep, and he'll be making another post about his wife's infidelity within a year or so probably.


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

The part I can't let go of is that she won't cheat again because "it's not worth it".

After marriage the stakes go way up. Do you want this person to be making the risk/reward analysis in your life?


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I think the OP is very realistic in his thinking. While she did make the ultimate choice to cheat. He did push her away and these things happen when someone feels rejected. Most on this board refuse to believe that SOMETIMES the partner CAN have an influence in the cheating. It's part of life people and we are only human.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

seasalt said:


> The part I can't let go of is that she won't cheat again because "it's not worth it".


I was thinking about the exact same thing but then I ignored it.

What if it was worth it? Would she go on with the affair?
So, what killed the affair wasn't because she felt guilty but because it wasn't worth it._ Adding_ the fact that she was caught, she decided to give it an end _for now_. 


I wonder if her next affair partner will be worth it..
I believe in her! Now she knows better! 
Yes, it will be worthier!


----------



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> I think the OP is very realistic in his thinking. While she did make the ultimate choice to cheat. He did push her away and these things happen when someone feels rejected. Most on this board refuse to believe that SOMETIMES the partner CAN have an influence in the cheating. It's part of life people and we are only human.


Wrong. 

The problems of a marriage are 50/50, but the problem of her cheating is 100% hers. 

A responsible person who feels rejected, no matter how hard it is goes to their spouse/fiancee/whatever and can say "youve pushed me away so far that I've thought about being with someone else." They do this BEFORE it happens, and you know what if they dont like they response they get after that...then leave, and go find someone that gives you what you want. There is never an excuse to cheat.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Wrong.
> 
> The problems of a marriage are 50/50, but the problem of her cheating is 100%.
> 
> A responsible person who feels rejected, no matter how hard it is goes to their spouse/fiancee/whatever and can say "youve pushed me away so far that I've thought about being with someone else." They do this BEFORE it happens, and you know what if they dont like they response they get after that...then leave, and go find someone that gives you what you want. There is never an excuse to cheat.


:smthumbup:

You're a newbie, but you speak like a vet here. Awesome.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Most on this board refuse to believe that SOMETIMES the partner CAN have an influence in the cheating.


Among other better solutions...why did she choose to cheat?

a -She could have communicated better;
b- {as one poster previously said} She could make a scene to get his attention;
c- She could have tried harder;
d- She could make any of his family members talk to him to open up his eyes;
e- She could have also do the 180 or anything similar and go dark on him so that this would make him wonder;
f- She could have broken up from him temporarily or permanently.

But no, she chose to cheat!!
Now tell me ...how is the OP responsible for her choice? Why didn't she choose any of the alternatives above (or more)?


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> stop taking the onus on yourself
> 
> YES you are responsible for the sh!tty relationship when you did that
> 
> you are NOT responsible for her response


:iagree:

Imo you don't solve a problem by choosing to cause one that is the most detrimental to a relationship.She could have been honest,but she wasn't....plain and simple.


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

I would be done with her.


----------



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> You're a newbie, but you speak like a vet here. Awesome.


Just a lurker who read a thousand threads on this site as I was going through (and continue to go through) the discovery of my STBXW EA/PA. I made the same mistakes that so many new posters have made here. I wish the cheater/bs script was a unique circumstance, but most of the time it isn't. 

I still make mistakes in my process of detaching, but every bit of advice I've read on here, some I chose to listen to, some I didn't all have come out to be true. This site has helped me so much it's only fair that I pay it forward and try to help someone else . 

Also, LM i've read a lot of your posts. You're one of the user names I remembered as a lurker and valued your input. Even though you didnt know you were helping me, you were. So thanks


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> She knows now she was immature and said she should have spoken to me about it (which she tried to a few times and I kinda blew it off) She never made it a big point to discuss it, but made lots of comments about it which I just tried to say dont worry it will get better and it didnt. She says she knows now it aint worth it just to have meaningless sex. She is 23 I'm 33, I think she is still learning alot about relationships and life.
> 
> My major sticking point is can I get past it and allow it to continue, a deep part of me wants to because I feel like I was a big part of the problem.


IMO most people would understand you're trying to get your kids back. Also why did she cheat. Why didn't she do the right thing and tell you she needed to separate or breakup and get back together after this mess was sorted out. How sure are you that this guy hasn't been talking to her longer than you are aware of. I know if my fiance was this neglected she would have told me she needed sometime or she would have left.


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> I already been through the records !!
> 
> I am 100% sure it never happened before. if she wasn;t with me, she was with her mom at the salon. I knew she was there because we would talk all throughout the day at random times and I always heard her mom in the background. As well, the days she went there was never any lack of phone activity for 2-3 hours like there was this past saturday. She would go once a week to do her hair at the salon and come home. No strange numbers until the first saturday of this month.
> 
> LOL.. I took her micro sd card out of her phone to recover the data, that is how i found images of the emails that they sent back and fourth. Im surprised she never called him when she stepped out the house without me to go to the store or to walk the dog etc..She only called him when she went to the salon. The other 2 days she called him I know they didnt see each other. Looking over her phone records with the times i spoke to her and the times she spoke to others and the time she was gone to get her hair done, no way possible to do it.


You are looking at her lack of communication with him as a good thing and a reason why it wont happen again? You could see it the other way and she slept with him so easily without much investment needed.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Maybe this has been brought up. But i have to ask this
because it confuses the hell out of me..


I was shocked and still am. *We spoke about it and it she admitted it was because I paid her zero attention and 
we rarely ever had sex, both of which were true. She wants to stay in the relationship and she says she still loves
me and wishes she could have done a more mature thing first like talk to me about our issues before going
out behind my back.* _Debatable if it can be called fair enough_

*This is what confuses me*

*She said both verbally and I written form. This *:

_*She never tried to blame me for this happening.*_

*And again in you post 21*

*Your 100% correct, she knows it was her choice and fault. She hasnt blamed me for it,*:scratchhead::scratchhead:

*So which is it? neglect or what? considering she dosent put the blame on you..*

Any one care to explain this?


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> I think the OP is very realistic in his thinking. While she did make the ultimate choice to cheat. He did push her away and these things happen when someone feels rejected. Most on this board refuse to believe that SOMETIMES the partner CAN have an influence in the cheating. It's part of life people and we are only human.


There are reasons and consequences to every decision you make. What does that have to do with this? with that logic, "I killed him your honor but he deserved it" don't think that would fly. You kill someone, consequence is you go to jail, you cheat, consequence is, something less than jail. the reasons for the cheating and killing are both moot. action = consequence. The ws did the action, it is the bs job to do the consequence. When the BS does not provide an adequate consequence how can one expect some loon to wake up and stop doing the action. You need to change the balance of risk vs reward in your favor. I would at the very least make this girl sweat it out by herself for awhile. tell her you need time to think. The thought of her having to cancel this wedding and having everyone find out about her $lutty behavior might be enough for a character change in her. And that is what you need because i don't care what you did or didn't do, if she cheated on you during engagement, she needs a character change to be considered wife material.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Guys nothing is being said that I already didn't ask her or myself. believe me...

I know some of you said how can she do this with another guy that had invested so little - remember it was an EX. Someone she was familiar with, not some new dude she just met. Not justifying it, but that is what it is. 

I am really confused on what to do. A big part of me wants to make it work, but as most of you said, what do I have to see it wouldn't happen again? I know why she didnt talk to me sooner, she was waiting for court to have finished (which it has) and she said she really didn't want to add to my stress. She obviously wanted her cake and wanted to eat it too. She was selfish etc...She admitted this stuff. 

I mean she is trying and the fact that she went out of her way to change her number and email, and the fact that she said she wouldn't go to the salon anymore to do her hair and all the other things, what more can she do?

I can't ask her to prove she wont do it again, only time will tell. I think she learned a lesson here. I'm the first guy she ever brought to meet her parents, she never really had a serious relationship before. She's VERY attractive - like a model. She gets way to much attention from guys when we are just walking down the street, guys stare all the time and everywhere we go guys stare - to the point I want to say WTF man?

Anyways my point is, most of you are set on thinking she would do it again, let me ask you this..

What could she do to prove she wouldnt do it again? Is there anything she really could do except be remorseful and understand what she did was wrong and try her best? 

She knows she should have talked to me, she actually said she was waiting for the child support case to finish to discuss it because i was that stressed and she didn't want to make me feel worse (yes even though she cheated, she didnt think she would be caught) and in hindsight I obviously feel worse. She has tried to talk to me in the past and I said things would change but they never did. She isn't the greatest at communicating, not everyone is, but she did try to in the past months.

Its a touch decision and as I said, as much as i want to make it work, there is that doubt there that i could be wasting my time.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> About our relationship:
> 
> We have been together for over a year
> and engaged for 6 months. The first 7 months
> ...


I think you can work through it (your final question) but you need to give it some time. Maybe put the marriage on hold until such time you feel that you can trust her again - by her actions.

She appears to be remorseful (some cheaters are not) & that is a good start.

Jellybeans asked an important question that you haven't answered yet:

"What do you want to do?"


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Lost,

There is nothing she can do to rewrite the past man. All men are created differently and we all react differently in situation. 

You don't have a big responsibility with this woman. She is just your fiancee, you have been with her a little over a year. This is a type of relationship that you drop when there is infidelity, it is a no brainer. No matter how much it hurts, think about how much enjoyment and pleasure she was having while the OM was shafting her, gurgling his junk?? I mean you have to really think hard and strong if you want to live those type of thoughts going forward. 

I don't like to be nice and pretty and paint a easy picture, I am graphic sometimes and I call it like it is. Your being very rational about all of this, which I commend you, I really do, but you are also being extremely naive. Your letting your emotions cloud your judgement. 

The thing is your GF is young man and 23 is not a mature enough age yet to commit. I am your age and I am married with 3 kids. Once divorce just because my wife and I didn't work out, no cheating amongst each other, we just argued and fought alot in front of our kid. I made the hard decision and we had a kid together.We had a home and properties and vehicles, you know all the stuff married couples have.

Your decision is way easier. A girl cheated on you in the worse way and with someone she had an emotional bond with. What makes you think you are going to erase that infidelity going forward? Are you any better then this guy? I am sure you are, but to her to backslide on you like this really bring to question her morals. 

My advice and I won't commend again on your thread. Let her go and let her think. You are only inhibiting her opportunity to grow into a mature and smart woman by keeping her. Let her understand that people are responsible for there actions by letting her go. 

Good Luck to you man and I hope everything works out for you, the girl got to go though because she will do it again if you are busy with work. There are many ways for you to be detached ina relationship, video games, work, kids, hobbies all options to show neglect to your woman. What are the chances of her cheating on you again given these facts. THINK HARD!!


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I think you can work through it (your final question) but you need to give it some time. Maybe put the marriage on hold until such time you feel that you can trust her again - by her actions.
> 
> She appears to be remorseful (some cheaters are not) & that is a good start.
> 
> ...



TBH I'm not sure what I want to do. My first thought would be to make it work. However, I'm not 100% sure i can do that yet. 
If i had been a better man to her this would have been an easy black or white answer and i wouldn't be having a discussion and she would be out. But the fact that i treated her that way over a long period of time, wasn't very supportive of things she wanted to do, no sex, neglect, pushing her away at times because i had my own issues, makes me think if I was the man I had been for the first half, this wouldn't have happened, hence why this decision is difficult.

Its not about me not wanting to be alone, I actually enjoyed being single and liked being able to do whatever i want with who i wanted when I wanted.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Maybe this has been brought up. But i have to ask this
> because it confuses the hell out of me..
> 
> 
> ...



She didnt just come out and say I did this because of how I acted. I had to drag it out of her how and why this happened. I asked her repeatedly before she gave in and shed light onto how she was feeling and why she did it. She didn't justify it by saying you did this so I did that. It was more of "I think our relationship was non-existent and I did not feel wanted or loved so it kind of led me to get caught up into something I shouldn't have done"..

Maybe she was very vulnerable during this time because of the lack of relationship among sex and everything else. 

I know if a woman treated me like that I would have cheated or just left her. Nobody wants to feel like their partner does not find them attractive or not wanted. More so with woman. woman need emotional support, they need to feel that their partner wants them.

You know, during this time I used to get massages every few weeks and I noticed one day she googled the name of the spa i went to see if they gave happy endings because she was so lost about why i had no sexual drive for her during this time. I think it made her crazy in a sense,.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Let me add a little more to this as well. There really is alot going 
on and obviously there was more to it than it was just for sex, etc etc.
It was apparent that it wasn't just about our lack of sex. Obviously it was 
a contributing factor to this all, but I never believed that this was the sole
reason. 

I know she did carry on an emotional affair as well that led up to their meeting.
This was evident by the context of their emails/texts. She did admit that she bacame
confused and the communication ignited old feelings. Obviously, if things were normal
with us this would not have taken place. Since our relationship was in a big-time rut
and with all the contributing factors, it was like the perfect storm. She came clean
about it, she admitted that she did start to become confused during those 3 weeks
and once she met up with him and been with him she realized that wasn't what she wanted
or who she wanted to be with. Im not sure what would have happened if she realized she 
would have rather been with him. I'm not sure that would have ever been the case. I don't think
she was going to see if the grass was greener. 

I'm up in the air about it all really. Am I trying to read into more than what is really there and was this
more of the case of like a perfect storm and the fact that he send her an email a few weeks
ago happened to be just the right time given the state of our relationship. 

I have literally spend hours and hours and hours talking to her about this. A big portion on what 
she wants. Does she really want a relationship. Is she only staying so she doesn't feel like the guilt one for 
ruining the relationship, is she staying for the right reasons. I even suggested that she go spend a few days
at her parents house or i should go to a hotel, and she say's it isn't needed, her answer will not change
and she wants to work it out and be here.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like the message she is saying is gee I'm sorry I had and affair, but things weren't at a high point in the relationship so I decided to have a affair.

But gee I'm sorry, and if you now will change and give me more of what I want from you I won't cheat anymore.

You two haven't been together long enough for this kind of stuff to be going on. The first year of a relationship should be full of happy firsts and good discoveries.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*She gets way to much attention from guys when we are just walking down the street, guys stare all the time and everywhere we go guys stare - to the point I want to say WTF man?
*

Ok, now it makes sense why you seems so understanding
towards her. 
Oh boy what we men wont excuse a women for.Just for her look´s
sake.
To answer your question about, is she going to cheat again sometime in the future.. I would say look at the data,you have in front of you. One hint. Pretty convenient that OM just happened to email. When you two goes true a rough spot.

When tough gets going.some people stick around.Some bolt
you chose.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

> I have literally spend hours and hours and hours talking to her about this. A big portion on what
> she wants. Does she really want a relationship. Is she only staying so she doesn't feel like the guilt one for
> ruining the relationship, is she staying for the right reasons. I even suggested that she go spend a few days
> at her parents house or i should go to a hotel, and she say's it isn't needed, her answer will not change
> and she wants to work it out and be here.


I was talking to this used car salesman, he said I REALLY needed a new car, so I'm going to buy it. 

Read the hundreds of stories on this forum of people with your story, we who acted like you and wound up getting cheated on again. I was one of them. You're in for some heart ache.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

So alot of you seem to think once a cheater always a cheater?

I'm not sure I understand this way of thinking...Are you saying that people do not recover and make up and move on and it always should end a relationship and/or it will always end because she will cheat again no matter what????


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> *She gets way to much attention from guys when we are just walking down the street, guys stare all the time and everywhere we go guys stare - to the point I want to say WTF man?
> *
> 
> 
> To answer your question about, is she going to cheat again sometime in the future.. I would say look at the data,you have in front of you. One hint. Pretty convenient that OM just happened to email. When you two goes true a rough spot.



Not exactly convenient, our rough spot started in Feb 2012. I honestly expected her to cheat way before it happened. Would have been more convenient if it happened in March, April, May, June. Sounds crazy, but I know how I was with her and I thought in April and May, I'm surprised she hasn't cheated yet. Not because I wanted her to do it, but because I was lacked in every way possible for such a long period of time that I almost this expected it to happen, yet I had no power to change my ways. 

I felt stressed to the point of as if I was in a hole for the past 7 months and i couldn't get out of it. I couldn't even deal with my own issues and was trying to do everything possible to refocus my attention to games, fishing, work...


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> So alot of you seem to think once a cheater always a cheater?
> 
> I'm not sure I understand this way of thinking...Are you saying that people do not recover and make up and move on and it always should end a relationship and/or it will always end because she will cheat again no matter what????


I wouldn't say that at all, but in your case, given the info you've provided, I'd bet my paycheck it happens again. She doesn't seem remorseful at all, you're rug sweeping and making excuses, and your still in the honeymoon phase.

The chances of your marriage going well are infinitely approaching zero.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> Not exactly convenient, our rough spot started in Feb 2012. I honestly expected her to cheat way before it happened. Would have been more convenient if it happened in March, April, May, June. Sounds crazy, but I know how I was with her and I thought in April and May, I'm surprised she hasn't cheated yet. Not because I wanted her to do it, but because I was lacked in every way possible for such a long period of time that I almost this expected it to happen, yet I had no power to change my ways.
> 
> I felt stressed to the point of as if I was in a hole for the past 7 months and i couldn't get out of it. I couldn't even deal with my own issues and was trying to do everything possible to refocus my attention to games, fishing, work...


Read this post again. Then you will understand why it makes sense.what *COguy* wrote in his last post


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> I honestly expected her to cheat way before it happened. ..
> 
> I know if a woman treated me like that I would have cheated or just left her.


I think I understand now why you are tolerating her cheating.
Because simply you'd do the same if you were in her shoes. 
You and her think alike. Maybe you are meant for each other.
You expected her to cheat because, just like her, you think cheating would be the solution if she treated you the way you did with her.
I think from now on all the posters in this thread are putting effort in vain trying to convince you to leave her. 

Good luck!


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lost11104 said:


> So alot of you seem to think once a cheater always a cheater?
> 
> I'm not sure I understand this way of thinking...Are you saying that people do not recover and make up and move on and it always should end a relationship and/or it will always end because she will cheat again no matter what????


People can recover and learn from their mistakes. The danger here is that your girlfriend has exposed a significant character flaw. You were in the midst of a 6-month court case, during which time, you were distant and inattentive. Her response to that was to have sex with another man just before the court case was resolved.

Now, if this court case is the most stressful thing that the two of you ever encounter for the rest of your lives, then you just might be fine. If you never get laid off, if your house never goes into foreclosure, if your child never get seriously ill, and if another ex never steps into the picture again, then you're golden. No worries.

However, if you live your lives in the real world, where married couples tend to face stressful events, then you might be in trouble. Is there a guarantee that your girlfriend will respond to getting laid off by having sex with another man? No. But I would say that the odds are higher for you than for a man whose girlfriend has been faithful through stressful times.

Good luck.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> Let me add a little more to this as well. There really is alot going
> on and obviously there was more to it than it was just for sex, etc etc.
> It was apparent that it wasn't just about our lack of sex. Obviously it was
> a contributing factor to this all, but I never believed that this was the sole
> ...


I am trying to reconcile what you wrote above with what you posted previously:



> She doesn't have any social media accounts. We spend nearly 24/7 with each other and that saturday wasn't a typical Saturday, she had an opportunity that normally wouldn't have been possible for her to do this. For the past year we spent all our time with each other. She hasn't been making any secret phone calls or texts during that time.
> 
> I didn;t have to demand transparency, she already said I could have her email address passwords etc etc with no issues about it.


So she did in fact have secret texts that allowed her to carry on an EA without you knowing?



> I'm a pro at it so it is quite easy for me to catch someone, its actually to easy. I had a very darkside for all the years during my 20's. I eventually changed and grew out of it


The above quote was about catching people lying. But you in fact did not catch her in her EA, right?

I am not trying to be a jerk, just wanting you to see that when it comes to her, you have had a huge blind spot. I don't think you can assume that you know everything. You may, but it is clear that she fooled you for awhile, so you need to verify. I also don't think you can assume that you will catch her next time. Even though you are better prepared, so is she. I think there is a lot more uncertainty than you want to believe.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Lost,

Look man your justifying your GF's action based on the fact that you neglected her. 

I have neglected my wife. I play Video Games. Like WOW, Diablo 3, etc...But my wife has enough self respect for herself and me that she would not put our marriage at risk of separation by cheating on me. 

Now I have since let up on some games, because I am just growing out of them and bored. 

No woman is allowed to cheat on there man just because they are neglected. Stop defending her. You are not going to be happy in the future I promise you that. 

Yes women can reform and truly change, but in your circumstance it is just a matter of time. The more important question you should be asking is:

Why give her the chance to hurt you again? I can understand if you are married with kids and have numerous reponsibilities together, but you don't. Why give her the opportunity to HURT you again?

It is your decision in the end and it sounds like you rather take the risk/chance to be heartbroken and keep this girl, versus cutting your loss and move on. 

I don't get some people, I would of been gone in a flash given this situation, I am man enough to be alone. You will find someone else who will appreciate you/respect you enough to not cheat on you during times when you are at your most vulnerable.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> Im not asking myself that. *I know what i did to deserve this. *My best friends told me the same thing, they said **** man..You were like this for 6 months, what the hell did you expect to happen? They didn't agree with what she did but by no means did they think I shouldn't have seen that coming and got what I deserved for doing what I did. Its just reality, sure if we lived in a perfect world a spouse would always approach the other and talk, but thats not reality. I should have been taking care of my business with her.


Here's the rub, you DIDN'T deserve this. AT ALL!!!! You want to convince yourself that her actions were your fault. That your actions caused this. Look, you had some faults and you're admitting it which is showing you are capable to man up. However, you can own up to 50% of the problems in your relationship and she can own up to the other 50% of the problems. But, her having sex with her Ex is 100% on her. She made that choice. A gun wasn't held to her head; she went there willingly. 

Did she have a heart to heart with you about how much time you weren't spending with her? Probably not. Did she approach you about the lack of sex between the two of you? Probably not. Did she end it with you before she hooked up with her Ex? Nope!

Stop trying to defend her. She made a choice, she wasn't forced into bed with her Ex, she happily went there to screw the guy. And it probably wasn't the first time either.

At the very least, call off the wedding.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lost11104 said:


> So alot of you seem to think once a cheater always a cheater?


I don't think that 

BUT

for your case, the emotional investment needed to get past this vs the time spent together already is very lopsided and not imo a good idea

and

while not all cheaters will cheat again, the risk is higher and therefore not a good risk vs reward ratio for someone you plan to marry


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's not once a cheater always a cheater, but

Once a guiltless remorseless cheater, always a cheater.

If you hadn't caught on she would still be meeting up with him. She didn't stop because she wanted to, she stopped because you caught her.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The first time is always the hardest. If they get away with it or if there are no consequences after being caught - "Oh, he just got a little upset that I f*cked OM. No so bad. I can live with that".

It gets easier the second time


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> People can recover and learn from their mistakes. The danger here is that your girlfriend has exposed a significant character flaw. You were in the midst of a 6-month court case, during which time, you were distant and inattentive. Her response to that was to have sex with another man just before the court case was resolved.
> 
> Now, if this court case is the most stressful thing that the two of you ever encounter for the rest of your lives, then you just might be fine. If you never get laid off, if your house never goes into foreclosure, if your child never get seriously ill, and if another ex never steps into the picture again, then you're golden. No worries.
> 
> ...



I understand all of that. 

However there is more to the story then stress = cheating. 
It really isn't that simple or the sole/main reason I believe. 

The past few days we spoke a TON more about it all. I got her to tell me everything that happened including details inside the hotel etc. She really didn't want to, but understood I needed to hear it. She did admit yesterday that in the back of her mind she still thought she had feelings for him on a small level and thought perhaps there relationship could have worked out. Now.. She thought this last year and she has said during our relationship that never entered her mind again until he emailed her in the beginning of this month. A time when she was weak and our relationship was complete crap and it sparked old memories. After she was with him and before she got home and I confronted her she already decided that was a time one deal and she already felt bad for what she did. She admitted feeling empty when the deed was done and realized that isn't what she wanted, and rather just got caught up in something at a time when she was most vulnerable and she should have stopped it before it started. Now was it the feelings for her ex, the lack of relationship is what caused this? I really do not know, but I believe it was a tsunami effect of all the things above. 

I even had her call her mom and explain what happened, and at first she was a bit reluctant to do so, but i told her she needs to do it and she did. 

There hasn't been anything she has not done according to what you guys say needs to happen on your reconcile charts etc etc. Even when she knows I'm happy one moment and something triggers what happened, she's there for me without me mentioning one word. She is starting to understand how I feel and knows it will be a long time before we can recover and she can regain my trust.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Give it another shot.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She never tried to blame me for this happening


Umm, yes, she DID try to blame you for this happening!



> We spoke about it and it she admitted it was because I paid her zero attention and we rarely ever had sex


See? Right there!

Is she marriage material? Only you can answer that question...


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

I emailed her josephs letter even though she has been upfront and finally opened up in detail about things. She has been typing for almost 2 hours when I told her I wanted a reply. 

FYI - No she didn't blame this on me. I asked her what was the sole reasons she did this and she explained because of XYZ and said it was 100% her fault and she should have handled it more maturely. Are the sole reasons a VALID reason - NO, they are not and she knows and understands this. But they obviously played a role it this happening. Just as this link below explains:
Adultery: Cheating Wife, horrible act, bad situation


I'm very hurt and she understands that, I do think this could have all been avoided if she knew how to communicate better. She knows that is a flaw with her, more so communicating with me after my actions in the past when she did try to communicate and I brushed them off like her opinions were not important. 


I see storys on here with people saying OMG they are still talking behind my back or they refuse to stop talking and this and that. She has done everything suggested and on her own (exception is calling her mom and telling her) . I by no means am trying to defend the actions or anything else, but there was obviously issues we had that caused this.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Seriously, why post here if you have already made your decision? You are defending her like she should of done what she did, it is right.

Give me a fricken break. More like break her jaw (just kidding). Your going to get burned and pooped on by this woman in the future. 

I hope it works out, but statistics show otherwise. Have you read any of the other stories here? Look at some, where guys just like you, susceptible and naive and no self respect get the runaround by these cheaters. Only to find out later down the road the woman is pregnant with someone elses baby that you end up raising cause you think its your own. And then to find out she is still cheating on you behind your back. 

Stop loving a cheater and love a woman that deserves it. There are plenty out there. In that link you posted. That couple has been together 10 years, most likely have kids. They have a reason to reconcile/work things out. You have only been with your GF for less then 1.5 years. Have nothing with her but love and you want to reconcile?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

We're slapping you because we've seen it before a hundred times, many of us lived it. Read my story if you want, I had a similar reaction. You'll learn the hard way, just don't be naive, she'll be screwing around again, she'll be much harder to catch next time though.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Samus said:


> Seriously, why post here if you have already made your decision? You are defending her like she should of done what she did, it is right.
> 
> Give me a fricken break. More like break her jaw (just kidding). Your going to get burned and pooped on by this woman in the future.
> 
> ...


The point of that link is to show YES, my actions can cause people to cheat and YES that is something that would need to be addressed.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

COguy said:


> We're slapping you because we've seen it before a hundred times, many of us lived it. Read my story if you want, I had a similar reaction. You'll learn the hard way, just don't be naive, she'll be screwing around again, she'll be much harder to catch next time though.


I understand man, I know you are doing it for my own good so to speak. 

I know you may laugh and feel this situation is the same as anytime else, I just don't think that is the case. I seriously neglected this person for months. I don't think you know just how bad it was - but I do. Obviously, this isn't 1950, this is 2012 and times have changed, people will go elsewhere to have needs met - that is a fact. I known this 10 years ago. If you ain't banging your wife - someone else will be. Call it warped thinking or whatever, but in todays day and age it would be naive to think this is 1950 and ignore what goes on in society today.


I'll post her response to that letter.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> I understand man, I know you are doing it for my own good so to speak.
> 
> I know you may laugh and feel this situation is the same as anytime else, I just don't think that is the case. I seriously neglected this person for months. I don't think you know just how bad it was - but I do. Obviously, this isn't 1950, this is 2012 and times have changed, people will go elsewhere to have needs met - that is a fact. I known this 10 years ago. If you ain't banging your wife - someone else will be. Call it warped thinking or whatever, but in todays day and age it would be naive to think this is 1950 and ignore what goes on in society today.
> 
> ...


Lost, your wrong brother. It is true if your not banging your wife she will most likely bang someone else. But it is also true if you are banging your wife, she still will bang someone else. That is just the nature of some women, and specifically yours. Not trying to knock on you, but your woman has some issues. 

Yes your right, women will cheat if they don't get attention or love from there man, but most woman with any self respect and love for there man wouldn't. They would leave or talk to them. Yours did neither. This is what is in question and what you might be missing. 

Again, let her go, because it is that simple for her to cheat when you are neglecting her, there will be more times of neglect in the future. It is the nature of the beast. You need a woman who can handle that type of pressue and vice versa, women can be neglecting also, with kids, chores and daily routines of a mother. 

Your very young still on your thought process. Think harder about these things, because in the end it is your life and your respect that will be hurt, torn and thrown asunder.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So this is the situation:


Not married. Been together a little over a year
No children
Fiance is 23 years old
Young fiance not yet over her XBF
Young fiance cheats with XBF when things get a little bumpy in the relationship

Does anyone besides the OP think this is a good basis for a marriage?


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Her response to the joseph letter. 


I am truly sorry for causing you all this pain, for breaking your heart, for ruining our relationship, for losing your trust.

Before all this happened, I thought about breaking our engagement and talk to you about getting to know each other better. I honestly think that we have so much to learn about each other and I wanted to make sure we were making the right decision. When we got engaged it was so beautiful. I couldn’t believe you wanted to marry me. It was a different feeling just to know that there is somebody in this world that wants you as his wife, it’s amazing. Then everything changed. You were another person. And I honestly didn’t like that. You started to not wanting me to work. I felt you had too much power over me and that is not the way I want to live my life. I just wasn’t ready to give it all. I thought you were going to be more positive about me and about what I want to accomplish and about the person I am. It just felt like you wanted to change me to the way you want your woman to be. I understand you paid for my school last fall; you gave me money, paid my bills. And I wish I had all that money to pay you back. Because I don’t want you to pay for any of the things I do or for my expenses. I want to be an independent woman, I want to have my own things, and I want to be proud of myself. Is not because I want to be by myself, is about personal growth, growing inside of me. And I honestly think I am a selfish person sometimes. I have goals; I have things I want to do before having kids and having a family. Things I want to do for myself. And the way you said everything is going to be ok, that I didn’t need to work, that why would I need to work. And the reason I need to work is because of all the things I need to do without having you saying to me later that you paid for this and that you paid for that. 
I think you don’t realize sometimes the things you say. Getting my make up one time or buying other things. The way you talk when is time to pay, like the other person needs to know you are the one paying for everything. If you are going to pay for something you don’t need to say anything, you just pay and that’s it. If you don’t want to do it then don’t pay.

When you told me about your kids and all the process of the court you had to deal with. I accepted you because I don’t think the fact that you have two other kids and the fact that you don’t have a great relationship with their mother is a deal breaker for our relationship to work. However I thought you were going to handle it better. Even talking about it, you never wanted to talk about it. Always changing the topic if I asked you anything about that situation. The way I see things in my mind is. Why did I have to deal with going to court and child support stress? It was just something that I didn’t decide to have in my life. I know by being your partner I have to deal with everything that comes with you. But I just thought that wasn’t my responsibility. I thought you had to be strong enough because you were the one that chose to have that in your life. I thought you could be happier, a happy father, because I know so many people that have kids, people that more than 3 kids and they live their life to the fullest.





Then our sexual life changed. One night things were good than one week pass and then two weeks, three weeks. It wasn’t only that. I don’t think you care if I was satisfied or not because if we were laying down in bed I kissed you and gave you a bj then, “you came” (you had your moment). Do you remember what you used to do, after I was done doing that to you? You close your eyes and went to sleep. That pissed me off. Inside of me it really made me think about being with somebody else. I really wanted to make you feel good, I wanted to do anything possible to have you relax and enjoy us together. I even bought lingerie in Victoria’s secret because I wanted to feel back the passion and desire when we make love. I got to the point where I just didn’t feel like trying anymore. I hated when you were all night in the game on the computer. You even wanted to come home one time because you needed it to play. It was like you were living in your own world. The thing is when you like something or when you want to do something you just do it too much, you don’t really know how to balance things in your life. You get obsess about things. And then one day you just stop.

When my ex emailed me, I really didn’t want to reply back, I thought it wasn’t necessary. I was not strong enough, I could have control myself but I didn’t. Maybe I like sex too much, or my mind is sick inside. I am not sure what it is. I just let his words get to me. It really was the worst moment for him to contact me because of the way things were going with us. I am 100% sure if he contacted me before I wouldn’t even think about replying to him. I was having so many doubts in my mind is like my mind was going crazy thousands miles per hour, thinking too much, confusion. 

I think we see things different. I don’t know if it’s the experience you have or the immature way I do things or think. I don’t what it is but, we need to get in the same page. I really want to be your partner, help you, and share everything with you. 
I am being 100% honest and open, and it is very difficult for me to really express what I feel inside, I really hope you can understand.

Please forgive me for hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you.

I love you matthew.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Her response to the joseph letter. 


I am truly sorry for causing you all this pain, for breaking your heart, for ruining our relationship, for losing your trust.

Before all this happened, I thought about breaking our engagement and talk to you about getting to know each other better. I honestly think that we have so much to learn about each other and I wanted to make sure we were making the right decision. When we got engaged it was so beautiful. I couldn’t believe you wanted to marry me. It was a different feeling just to know that there is somebody in this world that wants you as his wife, it’s amazing. Then everything changed. You were another person. And I honestly didn’t like that. You started to not wanting me to work. I felt you had too much power over me and that is not the way I want to live my life. I just wasn’t ready to give it all. I thought you were going to be more positive about me and about what I want to accomplish and about the person I am. It just felt like you wanted to change me to the way you want your woman to be. I understand you paid for my school last fall; you gave me money, paid my bills. And I wish I had all that money to pay you back. Because I don’t want you to pay for any of the things I do or for my expenses. I want to be an independent woman, I want to have my own things, and I want to be proud of myself. Is not because I want to be by myself, is about personal growth, growing inside of me. And I honestly think I am a selfish person sometimes. I have goals; I have things I want to do before having kids and having a family. Things I want to do for myself. And the way you said everything is going to be ok, that I didn’t need to work, that why would I need to work. And the reason I need to work is because of all the things I need to do without having you saying to me later that you paid for this and that you paid for that. 
I think you don’t realize sometimes the things you say. Getting my make up one time or buying other things. The way you talk when is time to pay, like the other person needs to know you are the one paying for everything. If you are going to pay for something you don’t need to say anything, you just pay and that’s it. If you don’t want to do it then don’t pay.

When you told me about your kids and all the process of the court you had to deal with. I accepted you because I don’t think the fact that you have two other kids and the fact that you don’t have a great relationship with their mother is a deal breaker for our relationship to work. However I thought you were going to handle it better. Even talking about it, you never wanted to talk about it. Always changing the topic if I asked you anything about that situation. The way I see things in my mind is. Why did I have to deal with going to court and child support stress? It was just something that I didn’t decide to have in my life. I know by being your partner I have to deal with everything that comes with you. But I just thought that wasn’t my responsibility. I thought you had to be strong enough because you were the one that chose to have that in your life. I thought you could be happier, a happy father, because I know so many people that have kids, people that more than 3 kids and they live their life to the fullest.





Then our sexual life changed. One night things were good than one week pass and then two weeks, three weeks. It wasn’t only that. I don’t think you care if I was satisfied or not because if we were laying down in bed I kissed you and gave you a bj then, “you came” (you had your moment). Do you remember what you used to do, after I was done doing that to you? You close your eyes and went to sleep. That pissed me off. Inside of me it really made me think about being with somebody else. I really wanted to make you feel good, I wanted to do anything possible to have you relax and enjoy us together. I even bought lingerie in Victoria’s secret because I wanted to feel back the passion and desire when we make love. I got to the point where I just didn’t feel like trying anymore. I hated when you were all night in the game on the computer. You even wanted to come home one time because you needed it to play. It was like you were living in your own world. The thing is when you like something or when you want to do something you just do it too much, you don’t really know how to balance things in your life. You get obsess about things. And then one day you just stop.

When my ex emailed me, I really didn’t want to reply back, I thought it wasn’t necessary. I was not strong enough, I could have control myself but I didn’t. Maybe I like sex too much, or my mind is sick inside. I am not sure what it is. I just let his words get to me. It really was the worst moment for him to contact me because of the way things were going with us. I am 100% sure if he contacted me before I wouldn’t even think about replying to him. I was having so many doubts in my mind is like my mind was going crazy thousands miles per hour, thinking too much, confusion. 

I think we see things different. I don’t know if it’s the experience you have or the immature way I do things or think. I don’t what it is but, we need to get in the same page. I really want to be your partner, help you, and share everything with you. 
I am being 100% honest and open, and it is very difficult for me to really express what I feel inside, I really hope you can understand.

Please forgive me for hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you.

I love you matthew.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated whether its 1950 or 2012.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> I understand man, I know you are doing it for my own good so to speak.
> 
> I know you may laugh and feel this situation is the same as anytime else, I just don't think that is the case. I seriously neglected this person for months. I don't think you know just how bad it was - but I do.* Obviously, this isn't 1950, this is 2012 and times have changed, people will go elsewhere to have needs met* - that is a fact. I known this 10 years ago. *If you ain't banging your wife - someone else will be.* Call it warped thinking or whatever, but in todays day and age it would be naive to think this is *1950 and ignore what goes on in society today.*
> .


 



I had promised myself to never waste time posting here but the more you post the more I speechless I get.

Just because we're in 2012 you think it's okay for another man to bang your wife? And just because we're in 2012 you think it's okay for people to lose respect for themselves, marriage and the spouse by cheating ?? 
You mean this is the new trend that you like to follow?
And just because we're in 2012 there should be no morals and no values?


God...what a way of thinking you have!

Are you sure you are in your 30s?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A long letter devoted to blameshifting. Wow. Don't neglect her sexually again or else she'll start thinking about being with somebody else again.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I had promised myself to never waste time posting here but the more you post the more I speechless I get.
> 
> Just because we're in 2012 you think it's okay for another man to bang your wife? And just because we're in 2012 you think it's okay for people to lose respect for themselves, marriage and the spouse by cheating ??
> You mean this is the new trend that you like to follow?
> ...


He'll be back someday, this time as a BS and wondering what went wrong.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Wow....that was all about what you did wrong and BECAUSE of what you did wrong, she answered her Ex. If YOU weren't doing what you were doing she would have NEVER had answered him...she even wrote that.

Dude, she hasn't taken any ownership at all. I mean, that is probably one of the cruelest betrayals you can ever do to someone.....but, it was your fault. *puke*

Well...I really don't know what to tell you. Except I hope you've canceled the wedding. Go get checked for STD's because cheaters rarely use a condom. 

I truely think you need some time away from this girl to set yourself right. There needs to be consquences to her actions (even if that means losing you).


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm just surprised you're cool with marrying someone who would go screw another guy if things get bad. I mean there isn't a marriage I know of that hasn't gone through rough times.

Personally, I would never marry someone who I thought would cheat under any circumstance. 

But good luck. Might as well prepare yourself for that sort of thing in the future.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

That letter was full of so much sh!t my monitor started to stink. 

Wow. This guys got his nose wide open, and hes made up his mind and isn't changing it. 

Hes forgiving and praising his wife for not having the honesty, character, and respect to communicate with him or just leave him. 

Seeing this guy getting all this advice and him ignoring is just redundant now. 

Its still true, some people gotta be burned before they know not to play with fire.

You've listened(ignored everything), and you've made your choice. 

Theres no need to keep posting since you're gonna try as hard as you can to keep your head in the sand.


Therefore you've gotten your advice and feedback, go to it so posters can can spend time on people who are actually looking for help instead of validation/podium to defend cheating SO.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Even though her letters point out your weaknesses it ignores the fact that she is blameshifting big time. Cut your losses, don't have sympathy. Again, she could of dumped you if she was so upset with what you have been doing to her. 

But she rather cake eat, which is have you both at the same time.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Lost11104 said:


> Im not asking myself that. I know what i did to deserve this. My best friends told me the same thing, they said **** man..You were like this for 6 months, what the hell did you expect to happen?


How about simply dumping you like normal people?



> They didn't agree with what she did but by no means did they think I shouldn't have seen that coming and got what I deserved for doing what I did. Its just reality, sure if we lived in a perfect world a spouse would always approach the other and talk, but thats not reality. I should have been taking care of my business with her.


You gave her plenty of reasons to leave you but NO reason to cheat. You can't make someone cheat, she cheated because she is selfish. 

The thing is, since she cheated with an ex which is VERY common even in good relationships, she might have cheated no matter how you treated her. You are giving her a free pass because you feel guilty but how she dealt with you was wrong, period. She cheated with her ex because she wanted to and now you just excuse her behavior so she doesn’t have to deal with any consequences. 

Your gf has low morals. You really want to marry her? Next time things get a little rough who will she screw next?


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

There's enough in that letter to indicate she's already DONE with you. She's just cutting the cord slowly. She may not even know she's doing it, but she's doing it just the same. You can see it in her words. She's setting herself up for a soft landing. Getting ready to leave...already cheated, but keeping you around for emotional and financial support.

If you somehow beg and plead her to stop, and she does, it will only be temporary. Any respect she had for you was lost when you so freely took her back after she cheated. The only reason she'll stay now is because she feels sorry for you and pities you. That will never work in the long run.

I don't care what year it is, there is no excuse for cheating. And after only a YEAR?!! And a "few" rough months? Wow, this one sounds like one who will really stick around when times get _really_ tough...

You could, possibly, salvage this if you acted like a man and got some respect back from her. Judging by what we're reading here, that doesn't seem likely.

Stay with her and you'll be back here within a year, two tops, posting another tale of woe...."She did it AGAIN!!!!" type of thing.

Any "woman" who so freely throws her crotch around when things aren't going right at home is someone better left to the meat market bars and single life. This one is not great wife material. Not yet. She's young. And dumb. And that may never change.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

OK on a limb here, so no flaming me guys/girls.

Dude, like you say its not the 50s, in fact I was born 57.
BUT you are acting like you want it both ways. Women want to grow these days, and yes that mean working.
I can even see you at the counter making SURE everyone knows this 33 got this 23 and is taking care of her.

So really you both have a LOT of work to do.
PPL have pointed out her mess, so I'm just pointing out yours


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> I understand man, I know you are doing it for my own good so to speak.
> 
> *I know you may laugh and feel this situation is the same as anytime else, I just don't think that is the case*. I seriously neglected this person for months. I don't think you know just how bad it was - but I do. Obviously, this isn't 1950, this is 2012 and times have changed, people will go elsewhere to have needs met - that is a fact. I known this 10 years ago. If you ain't banging your wife - someone else will be. Call it warped thinking or whatever, but in todays day and age it would be naive to think this is 1950 and ignore what goes on in society today.
> 
> ...


Right! Completely unique. Never happened before, never will again.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

has anyone counted the "I"s in that letter?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Domyou notice how her excuses for the cheating are the same ones you say and use to defend her? I can't help but wonder if you aren't simply echoing the crap she's been feeding you all along.

I've tried to say this before to you but it keeps getting misunderstood so here is another try:

Stop worrying about why she cheated. She cheated because she chose to, she lied because she knew it was sleazy and wrong and because she thought she could get away with it.

But that's not the real problem.

The real problem is she chose to cheat.

She is the kind of person who will cheat, who can cheat, and who did cheat. And she looked you in the eye and didn't blink or feel guilt.

And that's not someone to devote the rest of your life to.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Domyou notice how her excuses for the cheating are the same ones you say and use to defend her? I can't help but wonder if you aren't simply echoing the crap she's been feeding you all along.
> 
> I've tried to say this before to you but it keeps getting misunderstood so here is another try:
> 
> ...


Don't waste your finger strength Shaggy, his mind was made up before he even made this thread.

The only thing the thread is now is a podium for him to give a testimony of her virtuous affair and how justified she is for having no grace or character.

This thread needs to end. OP obviously isn't interested in any post that isn't painting his cheating fiance as the Virgin Mary, so we should divert our attention away from this thread, and give it to people who need it like dig and regret atm.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Guys i want to thank all of you for your help. Please do not think I did not follow your advice - I have been following almost all of it. I have been using your replies to gain insight as to what was going on and it helped me finally crack the nut. I couldn't have done all of that without you. 

The picture for me is now crystal clear on why it all happened. After I posted that letter and spoke to her more and more, it all came out. She takes the blame for it all and knows that was just all excuses what she wrote in that letter. She understands that she tried to justify her action for our relationship faults and knows she should have known better. She blames herself and understands she even tried convincing herself that the reason she cheated was a bad relationship. She knows it was a terrible decision which she takes 100% of the blame for and only blames herself. 

While we were talking with me asking questions she finally said she has been thinking of leaving. She was looking for an "out" which made the cheating part much easier and she had been thinking about this since June. When she did cheat she realized it wasn't what she wanted and she didn't have feeling for her ex like she thought she did, but rather got caught up with words and the fact that she already been thinking about breaking it off. She knows she didn't put in the effort she should have and wants to make it work because she loves and she knows she could have done better. I could have done better too. It is strange because while we were talking she put her head down and started to cry. Its strange because she hasn't cried at all the past 2 weeks. Only after reading about self deception and how she tried to indirectly blame how I treated her as the reason she cheated and being truly honest about it all she finally cracked. I realized just how bad the state of our relationship was in and she did too, although she knew how bad it was but just couldn't talk to me about it. She feels that since I pay the bills that I wouldn't consider her feelings or opinions. I can honestly say I finally feel more at peace as the picture to the puzzle is now complete. I know we have a ton of work in front of us and she knows that as well, and after giving her multiple chances to end it, she really wants to do better and become a better woman and partner. She wants to put in the effort she hadn't in the past as I do as well. She knows she needs to learn how to communicate and I know what I need to fix.

I want to thank you guys because you had pointed out different angles and meanings to words I wouldnt have thought of on my own. While you may not think I was listening to you all, I have been all ears.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Don't waste your finger strength Shaggy, his mind was made up before he even made this thread.


You don't know how wrong you are. I listened to every bit of information you all have been saying. However, please don't be insulted by this. But I will not make a decision if we should try to make things work because you or any else said so. I came here for advice - which I took to heart and used to finally get my picture complete and it has helped me alot. I didn't come here to be told I should end my relationship or to be ridiculed because I will not allow people on the internet to make a decision that impacts my life.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The real problem is she chose to cheat.
> 
> She is the kind of person who will cheat, who can cheat, and who did cheat.



Thats correct, and that is what the final verdict is. I ain't searching for what if's and why anymore, I finally completed the 1000 piece puzzle and she helped by providing me all the pieces I need to do so in which we can work towards making things right again.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If you have decided to R, then so be it. You know the requirements for True R to happen and that she has to do the heavy lifting. I sincerely hope that in a few months or years, that you aren't back to square one.


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> If you have decided to R, then so be it. You know the requirements for True R to happen and that she has to do the heavy lifting. I sincerely hope that in a few months or years, that you aren't back to square one.



I hope so too. We both think we can do much better and make it work. I'm glad she finally accepted it as her own and uncovered the rest of the picture to me so it finally made sense. Even though the complete picture opened my eyes to stuff I would have rather not have known, I'm glad that part is over. I know most times people never get answers to it all and our left searching for them. It has been a tough 2 weeks just trying to make sense of it all, but I'm grateful I now know it all. I'm most grateful that she finally realized that she had been in denial to make herself seem justified in cheating when she had other options she could have taken but chose not too because she was too selfish.

I feel a big sense of relief - no more why's and how's my picture is complete....Hard to explain, but her actions tonight was a big big step in the right direction.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I truly can say I'm happy for you. This could go a long way in building a strong life together.
But plz do this. Allow her to grow as a woman, not a girl you take care of. This my go against your views, but allowing her that while always affair proofing your marriage, will be a big reward for you both.

Sincere Best Wishes to you Both !!!


----------



## Lost11104 (Aug 28, 2012)

Hey everyone - quick update! 

Things are slowly getting better for me. GF is super supportive and the more time that passes the more I think she feels the effect of what she did. I came across a could article on this website the other night:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ured-out-my-wife-cheated-me-4.html#post679116

It really hit home for her. 

FYI - that article can give a cheater an overall view of the pain you are in.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Lost11104 said:


> Hey everyone - quick update!
> 
> Things are slowly getting better for me. GF is super supportive and the more time that passes the more I think she feels the effect of what she did. I came across a could article on this website the other night:
> 
> ...


And what if they don't care?


----------

