# Husbands pays more attention to our son than me



## cashybum

I love love love my son... he is the best 4 year old ever! My husband works nights and we are pretty busy people. My husband doesn't get to spend alot of time with either one of us but 98% of his attention goes to our son. Only to me when he wants sex and it makes me feel so unloved. When we have the opportunity to go out to dinner he will always ask if our son can come... (who doesn't eat and acts silly for maximum attention). Our 5 year anniversary is on Sunday and I originally wanted to go stay a weekend at a hotel on the lake where we got married and he cited that we didn't have a lot of money yet in the last week, he took our son to the movies (I had to work) and then out to ihop.. then bought him a couple boxes of legos and is talking about getting him more.

Does anyone else have this issue?! Is this normal?!


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## cashybum

110 views and no one has anything advise? questions? observations?


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## joe kidd

How did his dad treat him? Maybe he feels guilty for working so much so he tries to make it up to the boy. Sometimes you get to thinking " My wife will be around for a long time but he is only young once".


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## ItMatters

Do you have family that can help with childcare? What about proposing a less expensive anniversary. Dinner and a movie, dancing, comedy club etc?


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## Lon

How horrible he loves his son too much.

I'm sorry if that sounds cynical, but I really relate to it, your son is 4 and pretty much needs constant supervision, and if your H feels he needs to do it maybe its because he thinks you are not doing a great job parenting?

Does taking care of his son all the time make him truly happy or does he feel burdened by it? What have you done to help him feel like he doesn't need to be the sole parent when you are together as a family? Do you ever take your son out and let him have any alone time in the house? What is the dynamic like when you are all home - are you doing your own thing, or are you actively including yourself in the activities with your H and son?

It probably has all to do with different parenting styles, I suspect he is the kind that needs constant reassurance his son is under good care. Do either of you have family that could help out with supervising your son? I know for me if there was a babysitter and I was on a date with my ex W I was always on edge, but when my son was with his grandparents I was a lot more at ease.


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## that_girl

Funny when men post about their wives giving all the attention to the kids, they get a difference response than the ones given to this woman.

I know how you feel, OP. My ex gave all his attention to our daughter. Didn't even want sex with me. But we had a crappy relationship (why I left). It still stung. Like I had to compete with my kid for his affection/attention. It sucked and I stopped...because every child needs a good daddy. I never had one. I just took the back seat and despised him more every day.

YOU, however, probably have a better relationship than I did. Talk to your husband about your needs. Set some boundaries or schedule 2 dates a month where it's just the two of you.

Imo, when a man cannot give his wife attention outside of sex, that is a sign of bigger issues. My friend's husband wouldn't go away for a weekend (their 5th anniversary too) because he said he wasn't ready to be away from the kids yet. that's crap. And because of some huge issues between the two of them, they are in the process of a divorce.

Make time for your spouse or the spouse may not be there. THAT is the advice men get (to tell their wives) when they complain their women are never there for them. Sorry you got some replies that might have made you feel like it was your fault. It's not. Sure, you both are busy, but you have to find a good balance.


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## joe kidd

that_girl said:


> Funny when men post about their wives giving all the attention to the kids, they get a difference response than the ones given to this woman.
> 
> I know how you feel, OP. My ex gave all his attention to our daughter. Didn't even want sex with me. But we had a crappy relationship (why I left). It still stung. Like I had to compete with my kid for his affection/attention. It sucked and I stopped...because every child needs a good daddy. I never had one. I just took the back seat and despised him more every day.
> 
> YOU, however, probably have a better relationship than I did. Talk to your husband about your needs. Set some boundaries or schedule 2 dates a month where it's just the two of you.
> 
> Imo, when a man cannot give his wife attention outside of sex, that is a sign of bigger issues. My friend's husband wouldn't go away for a weekend (their 5th anniversary too) because he said he wasn't ready to be away from the kids yet. that's crap. And because of some huge issues between the two of them, they are in the process of a divorce.
> 
> Make time for your spouse or the spouse may not be there. THAT is the advice men get (to tell their wives) when they complain their women are never there for them. Sorry you got some replies that might have made you feel like it was your fault. It's not. Sure, you both are busy, but you have to find a good balance.


He may not even realize he's doing it. She needs to let him know she would like some alone time.


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## Pandakiss

Have the talk with your husband. Tell him you need husband/wife time. Set aside family time on a weekend or a day off. He might feel he dosent have enough bonding time, so arrange trips to the park. (bring blanket and food, turn it into a peduso date)

*loud whisper*
Kids love Barney. 

I know it's important for kids and parents blah blah, but we two were here first and will be here after the kids. 

Kids love you regardless. A spouse dosent. If you can't have a date nite out have one in. 

Cook together watch a movie. Shower together. Candles. And most importantly all minors in bed. 

Try and blend time he spends with both of you. I understand love of kids, but even I had to have a kid ripped from my arms and told put the baby down. 

It has to be a blend of both worlds.


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## FirstYearDown

That_Girl is very smart, Cashy. Listen to her.

I dated a man who gave me nothing and his daughter figure (Not even his biological or adopted daughter) everything. At Christmas, she received a bunch of gifts while I got a paperback book. He paid no attention to me when she was around and if I said anything, it was "Don't make me choose, because I will. She comes first."

I couldn't handle it and I don't think you should be last place all the time either. I like the suggestions TG made.


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## cashybum

We've lived with my parents 4 years out of the 7 we've been together as we built our business literally from the ground up. We have lots of family around to help with our son when needed.. probably too much help. Our son is the youngest grandchild and is surrounded by so many people who absolutely adore him.

I love that he loves our son.. We'd both pick him over each other if forced to choose but what bugs me is that he says he loves me but doesn't really show it. He says he loves our son and its so clear that he loves our son more than anything else in the world. I would like to at least feel like a close second and I've told him this several times.

Whats odd is that we were really shocked when I found out I was pregnant.. It wasn't planned and it wasn't a happy moment at first which of course, changed quickly. I never felt more loved by him than when I was pregnant with our son. He was always kissing and touching me. He loved my pregnant belly and loved to show it off.


I know I'm not the perfect wife and he's not the perfect husband but at least I show him I love him (even though its not with his preferred daily bj).


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## that_girl

Talk to him.


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## Lon

If it feels like a competition for your H's affection you really need to somehow remove yourself from that playing field. Yes you need to talk to hubby about feeling neglected, but if he is like me, it wasn't that I loved my son more, its just that he is dependent on me, as children are, and I presumed my ex W was independent, as adults are. So it's not that my love for my son was greater than my W, but because of necessity the energy I was investing in my son was greater, because that is to me what parenting is about. But my ex couldn't handle that either and it literally felt like I was raising a teenager with her.

Of course if there were ways I could have showed more love for my W I would have, but anytime she ever came out and said "do this" I would, she was afraid to lead though, so just sought escape from family instead. Don't be afraid of telling your H what you need from him, and telling him specifically what to do - the thing about devoted fathers is they get there biggest sense of pride by serving, yes this is a beta, submissive trait and you may lose some respect for him if you see it as weakness, but he is trying to do his duty the best way he knows how, and the worst thing he could have to deal with is a unsatisfied W who refuses to make her demands known. So be direct with your needs or else he will not know how to tend to your needs too, and you will take a back seat.

You are an adult and this is a partnership, your H is trying to be the best dad he can be and I personally believe if you are putting competing interests in front of him he will always sacrifice that rather than his duty to his dependent child, so don't put competing interests in front of him, work towards having the same interests. Yes it means compromise and sacrifice.


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## Pandakiss

Yes please tell him. Just tell him how you feel. I've gotten over the baby lust. I love my children too, but Disney is a great way for adults to have a conversation. 

I agree with lon it is important for husbands to be great dads. But it is more so important for husbands to be husbands to their wives.


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## Lon

Pandakiss said:


> I agree with lon it is important for husbands to be great dads. But it is more so important for husbands to be husbands to their wives.


I think the main thing I'm trying to say is that being husband to wife and father to child are two different things that look different because they are so comparing them is pointless - unless the W doesn't want to be a good W but would rather be the child. Yes a couple needs to put the relationship needs at the top of the list, but "he loves his son more than me" is not really a useful comparison and truly difficult to validate.


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## Pandakiss

Lon said:


> I think the main thing I'm trying to say is that being husband to wife and father to child are two different things that look different because they are so comparing them is pointless - unless the W doesn't want to be a good W but would rather be the child. Yes a couple needs to put the relationship needs at the top of the list, but "he loves his son more than me" is not really a useful comparison and truly difficult to validate.



I agree. It is different. But if she feels that way, if through her eyes she sees it, than it is what it is. 

Her thoughts her feelings are valid. And saying I'll love on my kids 99% and my spouse can fend for themselves, isn't going to work. 

The spouse will flip into parent/child relationship. They will act out just for attention. Bad attention is still attention. 

You love you kids unconditionally, but they don't love you unconditionally. In most cases, it's easier to love on kids. 

Kids eventually grow up and leave or at least they are adults and are responsible for their own selves. 

There are days when my husband dosent even see the kids or talk to them. But we spend about 5 hours a day together. Regardless. 

You are a parent till you are put in the ground. You don't have to have a spouse.


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## *LittleDeer*

The best thing you can do for your children is have a great loving and caring marriage, a great model to them. They need to learn how to treat a future spouse and how they should be treated.
The best thing you can do is not end up divorced. 

It's OK to show your children that they are not your only priority and that you are a person with needs too. 

You must have a balance.

It's not good to be neglectful of your children, but it's also not good to put your needs last all the time and forget to put energy into other important people.


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## cashybum

Littledeer I agree with you. Very well stated and I haven't played that angle yet so I will try that.

Today is our 5 year anniversary. I have a feeling today will probably be just another day. I tried to start planning a month ago to do something fairly inexpensive (<$150) and he wasn't on board so I passed the ball to him and my guess is he's dropped it as he assumes we'll just go to a dinner and a movie. I don't think he considered that there are no movies out that we'd both want to see. It feels like everyone forgot your birthday!

To me, our anniversary, our birthdays and Christmas are the only important holidays. I know most people don't make a big deal about anniversaries but too me, its one of the most important because it's celebrating LOVE. Unlike Christmas where its mostly a commercial holiday (at least to us it is). 

Since our wedding and honeymoon were total disasters, we always talked about going on a week long cruise for a "do over" on our 5th anniversary. Because I'm self employed and still growing my business, we didn't have the $ to go..We've taken 1 vacation in 5 years and that was only because it coincided with a funeral and we were stuck in his cousin's 70's basement the whole time. I think this probably has something to do with my melancholy attitude today.. /


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## Lon

Well, cashy, atleast you are in a place you have a H to work on these problems with. As for littledears example, I guess I already failed to provide the best example - looking back, would I have put more effort into my marriage (at the cost of less into my parenting)? nope, I had no more effort to give, but I am certain my ex W DID have a lot more effort to give, I couldn't carry the marriage by myself, so I guess like you I feel like I am alone, except I felt like I was the one stuck holding the bag when it came to making sure my son was getting the attention he required. If my ex had made it easier for us to invest more in the marriage - such as by being home more often instead of out with her girlfriends, dancing, and building a business that kept her unavailable every evening and weekend maybe she would have naturally received a lot more attention and affection from me. Certainly I could have done more to make her feel special, but it was also two ways.

I would really suggest learning about love languages, finding out how you each give and like to receive love and then working at tailoring it to each other - obviously you are able to clearly define your love needs, you both need to do a better job at communicating those needs to him, so instead of him thinking he is showing you love by being a good parent he can communicate with you what his needs are so he can free up the energy to be a better H.

But working on this together is the only real solution to the problem, no other person or thing is going to fix it


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## Runs like Dog

Maybe he thinks he's giving you a break. I spent years listening to my wife mutter and hiss about 'all the time' she spent with the kids even when I took them all day for days at a time. Then of course I was abusively abandoning her....

When my kids were little they were a lot more fun and interesting to be with than the wife.


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## Thundarr

A happy marriage is good for your kids.

I think there is an epidemic parents trying to fix what is not broken and screwing it up in the process. I just don't think it's good to teach your children unrealistic expectations in life. Making the household revolve around them is not similar to how their lives will be when they are grown.

I think what your husband is doing is dangerous for your marriage and more dangerous to your son's ability to cope with life when he's grown.


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