# Bad personality traits continue to appear from my husband the longer we're together.



## Mrs.D. (Feb 10, 2012)

[This is not a debate on your opinions of the human rights issues that are discussed in this post. Please just stick to my marriage whether you agree with my views, or whether you agree with my husbands because your human rights opinions will be no help to me]

I just found out today that my husband is against gay marriage. Ugh. I am in an ethics class and I was reading him a post I wrote about gay marriage and he was like, "So you're for it?" 

Obviously I am! My sister is gay, my cousin is gay and about to get married... I talk about it all of the time. I just can't believe his opinion never came up until now. 

I immediately wanted to call my sister and "tell" on him. Truthfully, I feel like if he is to be kind to her face while she is talking about things that disgust him, then he would be two-faced for it, and he should just not be around her because she doesn't deserve to talk about her young love around someone who loathes the thought of it.

I didn't call her because he said something along the lines of, "I hope you know that when your sister hates me forever it will be your fault. I thought I could just tell my wife something in confidence." So obviously I didn't tell her, but I feel like crying about it. I just cannot believe that he would want my sister to keep being persecuted and treated unfairly because of a reason that he cannot even explain to me. He keeps saying "sanctity of marriage," but we're atheists! None of his points are valid to me. It's like someone told him a long time ago that it was bad, and it stuck with him. 

Last year I found out that he was racist. Like, for real racist. I guess now that we live down south we see black people, which we did not when we lived up north. He town had no blacks and mine had mostly whites and hispanics. A lot of people make jokes, you know? I assumed he was always joking. Hey, if I hear a good black, gay, blonde, etc. joke, then I am going to tell anyone that I think will enjoy it, but I am not a bigot, and I would NEVER want to make someone feel uncomfortable or judged. 

We're from Massachusetts, one of the most liberal places in the world!

From his point of view, we have no problems. He just happens to be a typical conservative right-winger, and I just happen to be a liberal. 

Truthfully, if I ignored it, we would have no marital issues aside from these human rights issues. We are very fortunate to be mostly compatible. We have a respectful, cooperative, loving relationship.

I just fight for human rights issues so often, and so passionately that it kills me a little more inside each time I find out how he wants everyone to be like him with no variation. I am even questioning if his sexist "jokes" are real, and if he married me because I am gifted in most of the typical housewife jobs.

Ugh, I don't know. I meant what I said when I agreed to "for better or worse", and I would never leave him over this, but this man is just killin' me!

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Mrs.D.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

If these two can have a successful marriage, so can you :smthumbup:
Dear Abby: How do Mary Matalin and James Carville stay married without homicide? - latimes.com

watch the video at the bottom of the page


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Regarding the opinions he formed that you disagree with. I understand how passionately you feel about these issues and you have every right to feel that way. 

We find that with opinions that form in a person but he or she cannot explain their origin there is a possibility that they formed at an early age. In the early years a child cannot discern right from wrong and he will accept anything he is told. Furthermore the first exposure to a notion such as gay people will heavily influence a child's opinion. It may be as simple as his parents expressing disapproval at one point and him picking up on it. 

Furthermore once opinions are formed and this is valid for adults as well ... while we form fresh opinions on a new issue very easily once we do we gain a powerful attachment to them because they become ours, they become part of our ego and we fight to maintain them even against clear evidence to the contrary. 

I wrote the above to illustrate that most likely the inception of his opinions on gay marriage where most likely benign and that his apparent unwillingness to change them is due to his ego and not necessarily the merit of the opinion.

Within that context guiding a person to change their views is an art form. Firstly any attempt at doing so using negative energy such as debate or criticism will most likely not work. Most people even if they realize they are wrong they will defend their point to the bitter end because they are actually defending their ego. 

I suggest you explore ways to expose him to new information about gays in such a way that he does not feel like he is being manipulated. Such as talking to gay people, visiting married gay couples, I heard a very inspiring speech from the child of a gay couple in congress I think... Approaching the issue with words that make his ego work for you such as "I know you are a fair man and given new information you will fairly take into account and change your views if necessary"; "I may be wrong about this and if we examine the facts together we can reach a consensus".

Avoid putting any pressure or negative energy on him to change. It is very important that he feels his opinion is respected and he feels it is his choice to change it. Take every opportunity to appreciate steps in the right direction, he may begin by saying "maybe this gay thing is not as bad as I thought" appreciate his steps: "I love the fact that you are flexible in this situation".


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Your husband has just as much right to his opinions as you do to yours.

If he is not hurting/offending anyone then i dont see the problem.

You cannot control what happens in someone elses mind.

If i were your husband i would feel rather betrayed by your reactions. That you instantly wanted to 'tell on him' when he has opened up to you about something very private.

Also, i would view him not mentioning this as showing respect toward you and your family.


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## Mrs.D. (Feb 10, 2012)

@Voiceofreason: 
Thank you for that little bit of humor, and you are very right, if they can do it then anyone should be able to! 

@FreedomCorp:
Thank you for your insight. I really needed some form of logical, psychological explanation, even though I did not realize that it would be helpful. I respond well to that because I like to look deep into the roots of why things could be.

@JJG:
Out of all that you said, the part that resonates with me most is, "If i were your husband i would feel rather betrayed by your reactions." Although I usually pride myself with being empathetic, this time I only thought of my sister (and everyone else who is not allowed to be who they want to be). I did not think of the only other person in the world whose happiness I am literally responsible for alongside my own. Sometimes it just takes a stranger to remind me.

Thanks to all three.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

As JJG stated, he is entitled to his opinion, and he feels as strongly about his as you do yours. And you probably only feel as strongly about it because it is very close to your heart due to relatives being homosexual. But the funny thing is how a person is automatically a bigot or homophobic if they don't agree with homosexuality. Like personally, I think the act of homosexual sex is pretty gross (the in's and out's if you will). But, I don't have an issue with homosexuals, or their wanting to marry. They deserve to be happy/miserable like the rest of us. But don't rat on the man, he accepts you despite your opposing views, what makes you better? It just makes for interesting debates when you have those opposing views.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would have thought reading your post that most people are the opposite. The men for it and the women against. But is the reason you are so for it because your family are involved.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Obviously, a situation like this places you in a very difficult position. I can imagine that you also wished that he would've been more clear about is beliefs before you married, also.

Its hard to talk about solutions, but I would like to suggest a couple of things to think about: First, maybe his beliefs are based on ignorance. So, outside of these beliefs, is he a compassionate person? Does he care about the people in his life for reasons beyond what they can do for him? If so, that would give one a tremendous hope that his views can evolve, because they may be based on a real lack of understanding of how it feels to be gay, or a minority.

If it is a matter of being immature in his understanding of others, then what would actually change a guy like this, outside of actually putting himself in the shoes of another? I really think that your approach to this can be a real life changing force in his life, if you let it. If you take the approach of wanting to tell on him, you become the antagonist. If he sees your wisdom and compassion, along with a genuine desire to help him when you ask if you can show him the issues, this could be your only real option to help him change. I'm assuming that divorce isn't an option now.

Others may disagree with this. I grew up in a very diverse, but poor area. Now that I live in another area, I've found that many who say that they are not racist really are at some level. Okay, its not hard to tell by looking at me that I'm part native american - grandmother was native american, and both parents were half. It was no big deal where I grew up, but when I visit my sister in one state in the center of the country, I don't exactly feel very welcome, due to the large community at a nearby reservation. Maybe your husband deserves derision, but you can be a change agent instead. Help him see beyond the stereotypes.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Why all this lovey dovey approach to the subject. Everyone is not going to agree with you, that's what makes life interesting. Why try to "change" him. How about understanding where he's coming from? There are people that married men should not go to bars with their friends, but should they stop, no. As long as his behavior is not destructive or directly affecting anyone else. And as for the racist thing, this is one of those subjects that is very hard to understand/explain. Like I see black folks complaina bout racism and they are more racist than anyone else. I'm from the Caribbean, although I have to still own the moniker of "african-american". But I got to see their behavior first hand having lived in cities like Miami. Sometimes, I get why people think the things they do about them. However, the same can be said about white, hipanic, asians, and others. What you don't do is put every person you meet in the same category as their stereotypes, at least not right away. this is why it is difficult, but its one of those strange dynamics in life.


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## Mrs.D. (Feb 10, 2012)

@Mikedread1982:
Of course he is allowed his own opinions, everyone is, I just thought that he was more like-minded to me in human rights issues, pro-choice anything is where I stand, and the few things we have talked about we were like-minded. The news just kind of crept up on me. Also, about your second post, I am offended by the comment, "Why all this lovey dovey approach to the subject[?]." Apparently those who have read my post are insightful enough to notice that 1) I am not trying to change my husband, 2) I love him unconditionally and this news has startled and hurt me, and 3) Although women do not always have to be handled gently, in this situation I have stated that I am emotional and brought to tears by this issue. Writing to me in a harsh tone is a good way to get most of your words ignored because you obviously don't understand the post. Just a few points to consider. 

@Accept:
While having some gay family members does give me a chance to imagine an intolerant world for them which makes me incur more "feelings," I have been developing my views of equality long before my sister came out. 

@Halien:
He is an extremely compassionate person with me, my family, and his own friends and family. However, he is cold and harsh with strangers such as blacks, open homosexuals, strong women, etc. He is also a respectful person, so from what I have seen, as long as not provoked, he would never purposely make any of those people feel like he was against them. Which is great, I guess, what they don't know won't hurt them, but as the person who hears and sees all of the hate, I wish he would just stop telling me he was against them too. It hurts me to know how hateful he can be towards people he has never even met before, and I don't know how *I* can deal with that to be able to live with him the way I always have before I knew about all of his prejudices.
-You assume correct. Divorce is never an option.
Thankfully by my husband opening up to me and-in his own way-asking me not to call my sister and "tattle" on him, I did not make that huge mistake because of my intense emotion and passion at the time. What I notice, and completely agree with, is that you all are reminding me to be slow, and just continue life as if he is not all of those things, because then he will be exposed to all that I am open to, and maybe someday he will be accepting enough to not make me so uncomfortable, if not completely accepting. 


*I want you all to remember, I will not leave him, I wouldn't have changed my mind about marrying him because of how his opinions affect other people. What I am looking for are ways to deal with this issue in my marriage*

Thank you all three again


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Mrs.D. said:


> @Mikedread1982:
> Of course he is allowed his own opinions, everyone is, I just thought that he was more like-minded to me in human rights issues, pro-choice anything is where I stand, and the few things we have talked about we were like-minded. The news just kind of crept up on me. Also, about your second post, I am offended by the comment, *"Why all this lovey dovey approach to the subject[?]."* Apparently those who have read my post are insightful enough to notice that 1) I am not trying to change my husband, 2) I love him unconditionally and this news has startled and hurt me, and 3) Although women do not always have to be handled gently, in this situation I have stated that I am emotional and brought to tears by this issue. Writing to me in a harsh tone is a good way to get most of your words ignored because you obviously don't understand the post. Just a few points to consider.
> 
> @Accept:
> ...


Sorry this was misconstrued, this is another reason I don't like texting as well, tones are completely misread. I wasn't refering to your post with that comment. I was responding to the post prior to mine. I don't think your approach was like that. It was actually very direct and matter-of-factly


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Why all this lovey dovey approach to the subject. Everyone is not going to agree with you, that's what makes life interesting. .


Its not lovey-dovey. When it comes to race and sexual preference, disliking someone because of these issues isn't interesting - its narrow minded. But you see the popular media trying to ridicule people like her husband instead of actually trying to do something about it. What good does that do? I think that I misunderstood the OP's initial opinion of her husband, because calling a sister to tell on him is just another alignment tool to shame another person. I was relieved to realize that this wasn't her intention. Further relieved to see that he shows enough basic empathy that he can be influenced. If you don't like something about someone, the only real healthy options are to try to be a change agent, or accept it. But really, who were the ones who did nothing to change things during the Jim Crow days? The ones who thought that racism was an interesting difference within our society?

Its probably pretty obvious that I work for a company that has placed inclusion and diversity as a top tier metric. This lovey-dovey approach has yielded tangible profitability.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For a long time things like this used to bother me about my own husband. We are polar opposites it seems on many hot topics like this. I was always trying to get him to see MY point of view until one day I realized he probably thinks the same of me. And who is to say who is right or wrong anyway. It's just ONE person's opinion anyway.

Bottom line is we've agreed to disagree.


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## Mrs.D. (Feb 10, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> For a long time things like this used to bother me about my own husband. We are polar opposites it seems on many hot topics like this. I was always trying to get him to see MY point of view until one day I realized he probably thinks the same of me. And who is to say who is right or wrong anyway. It's just ONE person's opinion anyway.
> 
> Bottom line is we've agreed to disagree.


I was thinking the same thing, so I asked him if he ever wonders how I can be so open minded and be okay with all of this stuff that grosses him out. He basically said that he doesn't know if he will be like this forever, but right now, it is how he feels. I told him that I wouldn't try to change him, and I appreciated that he was the type of person who is not closed off to everything. Generally, I try not to discuss the hot topics at home, which is probably why I didn't know that he felt this way. We will also have to agree to disagree.

Thank you for your input. 

Mrs.D.


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

I find this very interesting, because it mirrors in some respect the relationship between me and my wife. She tends to be much more liberal than I, while I tend to be very conservative. Although I will be first to admit, I harbor NO bigotted thoughts, I do have strong views that sometimes clash with my wife's opinions. So we tend to keep certain things off the table, and just not discuss them. Not sure if this is right or wrong, and for a lot of these hot topic issues, my thoughts on the matter would PO the right and the left, but they are my beliefs, and while I would not want to cause hurt to my wife or anyone that might disagree with them, I DO have a right to them, whether or not the opposite party agrees or disagrees....


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm an atheist and I also don't understand the logic behind his gay marriage stance since the argument against it is usually based on religous beliefs. However, your reaction to his stance on gay marriage was short sighted. If you react this way to all his "bad"opinions I guarantee he'll stop sharing his inner thoughts. You also appear to want to change your husband which is never going to work. Did you marry young?


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## tiredgirl92 (Dec 9, 2012)

I am against gay marriage, but I have a best friend who is gay. He knows of my opinion but he has done a lot of things for me and as a PERSON he is a wonderful man. I love him dearly. I think just jumping to tell your sister isn't nor would it be the best thing. He is your husband and if he tells you something in confidence it's because he loves and trusts you. If he's nice to your sister, that's all that matters. He's not being two faced he just doesn't want to hurt a nice family or their members. Doing that would cause alienation and a lot of people being mean to him. He has the right to his opinion but just because you believe differently on this subject, doesn't mean he's personally attacking your sister or cousin. I mean if you don't like cookies and his grandmother spent all day baking you a batch... would you walk up to her and tell her you hate cookies? It's just being kind and respectful.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mrs.D. said:


> it kills me a little more inside each time I find out how he wants everyone to be like him


With all due respect, the only way your husband can kill you inside by having his own personal opinion is if you choose to put him in a that position. I'm guessing that the sense of rightfulness you feel regarding your personal opinions makes it seem like anyone and everyone that has any sense or morality would agree with you because, of course, you're right. Your husband doesn't agree so he must be ignorant or immoral somehow deficient. But this is not your judgement to make and it is disrespectful.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I have to say that I wouldn't have been able to marry my husband if he was racist or homophobic in the way you say your husband is. I realise that doesn't help you, we all have our own dealbreakers.

How does he relate to your sister? Is he kind and accepting of her relationship? 

Maybe he will change over time as he has more experience and exposure to people of different racial backgrounds and sexual preferences. I don't know, it's a difficult position you're in.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I am a liberal. Not sure I could be married to a bigot. I don't even make racial jokes as they offend me. I have several conservative family and friends and we just don't talk politics.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Yikes. I can't say that racism and homophobia fall under 'personal opinions'. To me a personal opinion is whether you prefer asparagus or broccoli.

Taking it upon yourself to decide gay people mustn't marry (something that has absolutely nothing to do with you or YOUR life) is a whole other ball of wax.

It's possible he could eventually evolve his views given the right influences. Good luck!


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