# Ways to make my husband more open-minded when it comes to sex?



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm a newly wed! About 7 months married but have been together with my guy for 8 years. He's the loveliest most caring person in the world but when it's come to sex he only wants the same position all the time. I've tried everything from discussing other positions with him, he says yes but loses interest and we go back to same old ways. I give him plenty of oral sometimes he even refuses that. He never initiates either I'm always the one that has to ask for some lovemaking! He tells me how pretty I am & how I have a lovely body etc Any advice would be much appreciated!!!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

You're young ? you will learn together

Just have fun

55


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Does he initiation all positions when you are making love? Or does he refuse when you move into something that he isn't interested in? I don't understand why he reverts back unless you are not being assertive about your desires when you are together.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Nothing wrong with 'leading by example'. 

When we first married, we were the opposite of you two. I always initiated, and brought up doing something 'weird'. I don't see a problem if your the initiator.....fact is, that was something I wanted my bride to do for quite a while. It happened in time. 

What just got it 55 said.....plenty of time, and learn together. 

Now, we are pretty much 50/50 on who starts things. A good place to be.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I have tried other positions with him but he loses his erection so we will revert back to missonary which is what he prefers.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

sapientia said:


> Buy this lovely book and look at it with him in bed. Go with what resonates.
> 
> The Art of Sensual Loving: An Illustrated Guide: Andrew, Dr. Stanway: Amazon.com: Books


Thank you very much.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Something that tunes me up & into things, is my W's enthusiasm. I still remember the first time we tried WOT, and I can tell ya, she was into it big time. 
I'll avoid the details, but it sure caused me to lose it far ahead of schedule. 

Just a thought. 
(A good thought)

:wink2:


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Lurkster said:


> Something that tunes me up & into things, is my W's enthusiasm. I still remember the first time we tried WOT, and I can tell ya, she was into it big time.
> I'll avoid the details, but it sure caused me to lose it far ahead of schedule.
> 
> Just a thought.
> ...


Thanks for your advice, we've tried WOT before he didn't seem keen. Perhaps it's shyness on his end?


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Thanks for your advice, we've tried WOT before he didn't seem keen. Perhaps it's shyness on his end?


Could be. 
I love WOT. The view can be spectacular, especially when my W starts grabbin' things. :wink2:
Maybe it's a shyness/eye contact kind of thing? Hard for me to say, as we have been more of the "HEY! Watch this" kind of couple!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Lurkster said:


> Could be.
> I love WOT. The view can be spectacular, especially when my W starts grabbin' things. :wink2:
> Maybe it's a shyness/eye contact kind of thing? Hard for me to say, as we have been more of the "HEY! Watch this" kind of couple!


I'm thinking it's shyness, or the religion thing. He attends Church regularly with his parents they know & understand it's not for me. And perhaps he doesn't see the need to be overtly sexual in a marriage.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm thinking it's shyness, or the religion thing. He attends Church regularly with his parents they know & understand it's not for me. And perhaps he doesn't see the need to be overtly sexual in a marriage.


Shyness....maybe. 
It should not be a 'religion' thing. That should only prevent couples from doing things that are sinful. 
Sex, within marriage, is anything but sinful. It's part of the deal! 

That said, there are many faiths that teach things that are not scripturally correct, and many parents (my W's included) that pass this stuff along.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How many sex partners has he had before you?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Thank you to everybody for your advice. I will communicate with my husband and see what happens! Hopefully some good things will happen.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> I have tried other positions with him *but he loses his erection* so we will revert back to missonary which is what he prefers.


That's why he doesn't like it.

It's scary to lose your erection during sex.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> How many sex partners has he had before you?


He told me that he had been with 2 women, first girlfriend he said they only have sex a few times. The 2nd girl he said she had insulted him during intercourse which ended the relationship.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> That's why he doesn't like it.
> 
> It's scary to lose your erection during sex.


I understand and I always am kind when this happens & tell him not to worry.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> The 2nd girl he said she had insulted him during intercourse which ended the relationship.


Wow. That might be the problem. Was he trying something "different" when she insulted him? He may have some hangup on that that is preventing him from being open minded. 

Slowly try to get him to try different things and give him PLENTY of assurances that he is doing it right and you find it pleasurable. Tell him how great he is and much you like it. If he is losing erections, he has a psychological barrier that is keeping him and you from enjoying different positions.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> I understand and I always am kind when this happens & tell him not to worry.


Telling him not worry and telling him the sex is great are drastically different. When trying something new make him think (if true) that you REALLY like it. That should get him going and keep him going.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Telling himenot worry and telling him the sex is great are drastically different. When trying something new make him think (if true) that you REALLY like it. That should get him going and keep him going.


I will do so! He is a handsome man & I want to make him the happiest man in the world.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm a newly wed! About 7 months married but have been together with my guy for 8 years. He's the loveliest most caring person in the world and my best friend but when it's come to sex he only wants the same position all the time. I've tried everything from discussing other positions with him, he says yes but loses interest and we go back to same old ways! I give him plenty of oral sometimes he even refuses that! He never initiates either I'm always the one that has to ask for some lovemaking! He tells me how pretty I am & how I have a lovely body etc I don't know maybe it's the old Irish catholic thing? He attends mass on a regular basis. Any advice would be much appreciated!!!


I don't know what to suggest because my H is similar and I have failed to get him to be any more passionate in bed, but I want to say I disagree with those who say *just *give it time. 

I think it's good that you're aware this is a problem to you early and looking for a solution. In my experience, giving it time has only made things worse - as my H becomes more comfortable, he has become lazier and does less and less in bed. He doesn't even try to pretend he cares if I'm enjoying it or satisfied anymore.

I don't think it is religion or "shyness" in our case. I think my H is just not a passionate guy. I've tried a lot of things in recent times but the big mistake I feel I made was letting him think I was perfectly happy/satisfied for the first several years (hoping he'd relax and liven things up with time...). Big mistake. 

You don't want to be hurtful but I think you need to find a way to let him know you want more and are not satisfied with the status quo.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> I don't know what to suggest because my H is similar and I have failed to get him to be any more passionate in bed, but I want to say I disagree with those who say *just *give it time.
> 
> I think it's good that you're aware this is a problem to you early and looking for a solution. In my experience, giving it time has only made things worse - as my H becomes more comfortable, he has become lazier and does less and less in bed. He doesn't even try to pretend he cares if I'm enjoying it or satisfied anymore.
> 
> ...


I haven't told him it's a problem (sounds to negative) but I have offered sensual (naked) massages to him, to dress up in underwear/outfit of his choosing. Maybe he's just lazy and I just need to be more assertive but I am afraid he'll reject me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> I haven't told him it's a problem (sounds to negative) but I have offered sensual (naked) massages to him, to dress up in underwear/outfit of his choosing. Maybe he's just lazy and I just need to be more assertive but I am afraid he'll reject me.


How does he react when you offer him these things? Does he respond positively or just brush the suggestion off? I saw others mentioning some books on sensual sex - do you think he would read it with you and be interested?

It's so tricky because you don't want to be negative but in my experience at least, it doesn't get better on its own - especially if he assumes you're happy.

I wonder what he would do if you said "Oh my word, I had the hottest dream about you last night. I was wearing xyz and first you did abc to me and then I did efg to you and then you did hij to me. It was so sexy. I woke up and almost jumped you but you were sound asleep...

The fact that he starts to lose his erection in other positions may give him performance anxiety where he's kind of afraid to stray from the tried and true. For me personally though, it's not even the position so much as the attitude and enthusiasm level. My H just seems like "sure, sex feels good, that was fun, good night." I want him to throw me down and say how hot I am and seem like he can't keep his hands off me. I don't think it's ever going to happen though. :-(

Oh, have you tried a little dirty talk during the act? I tried that with my husband a long time ago and he freaked out and seemed actually repulsed by it, but more recently I tried it - maybe I toned it down a little - and I could tell it was turning him on. He won't do it to me though.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> I have tried other positions with him but he loses his erection so we will revert back to missonary which is what he prefers.


Could be performance anxiety. 

There are many variations on missionary you could experiment with. Most of which vary in how your legs are positioned. For example you might have your legs around his hips, over his shoulders, your feet on his chest, or your feet even behind your own head! 

Then there are variations he can do while in missionary. He can straighten out his legs and move slightly upwards as you straighten out your legs (this sometimes help relieve leg discomfort for the female), and this provides much more grinding stimulation towards your clit. This position can be difficult for him to maintain if you rock your hips back for extra clit stimulation as it may cause his penis to come out of the vagina during thrusting. 

You can also vary locations of missionary. An example might be having him stand at the edge of the bed/couch with you on the bed/couch. You can also have some playful variations of missionary on a stairway (extra traction for his feet to help him thrust deeply into you!). You can also try missionary in a hammock, this works by him straddling the hammock with his feet on the ground while you swing freely against him.

You can also introduce adult novelties while doing missionary. If he has trouble maintaining an erection, I'd strongly recommend cøck rings (some even vibrate on the clit during thrusting). An advanced technique is using a "yoni egg" or "jade egg" during intercourse and it will encourage his thrusts to hit your g spot, and for him it will make you feel tighter and give him a little extra stimulation. 

Once all that build up his confidence, THEN tie him to the bed. Jump on top of him, and tell him under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he allowed to orgasm, that you only want him to enjoy watching you! (he will not last long as this method does reverse psychology to any performance anxiety he may have!).

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> How does he react when you offer him these things? Does he respond positively or just brush the suggestion off? I saw others mentioning some books on sensual sex - do you think he would read it with you and be interested?
> 
> It's so tricky because you don't want to be negative but in my experience at least, it doesn't get better on its own - especially if he assumes you're happy.
> 
> ...


He does respond positively to things and shows lots in interest but when it's time he'll laugh it off. WorkingWife thank you for sharing with me I want the same as you!! For him to come home and just lust after me!! It's usually the other way around I'm the lusty one and feel like a freak sometimes! 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Could be performance anxiety.
> 
> There are many variations on missionary you could experiment with. Most of which vary in how your legs are positioned. For example you might have your legs around his hips, over his shoulders, your feet on his chest, or your feet even behind your own head!
> 
> ...


Thanks for advice, these ideas are very good indeed! 

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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
No, maybe not. Some people do change but many never do. You will see a lot of posts from people here who have been waiting decades for their partners to change. 






just got it 55 said:


> You're young ? you will learn together
> 
> Just have fun
> 
> 55


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

So I read in a magazine that you should send your partner a naughty text about how much you want them. I've done this today (I'll spare you the details) and he responded with a :x so let's see how tonight goes!! :smile2:


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> No, maybe not. Some people do change but many never do. You will see a lot of posts from people here who have been waiting decades for their partners to change.


I don't want to wait decades for change, divorce or separation is not an option I have, so I'm determined to make things work. Our marriage is great other than his low drive.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Let me save you a few years, look up "Curious Wife" thread on trying to get a LD husband to be interested in his wife. Two years long and nothing really happening.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hoosier said:


> Let me save you a few years, look up "Curious Wife" thread on trying to get a LD husband to be interested in his wife. Two years long and nothing really happening.


It's sad that things take so long but people's emotions take time. There's no quick equations/solutions to love.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Do all you can - this is really important. 

My only advice is not to hope that it will improve with time because it may not. If you can fix it, that is fantastic, if not, then decide what you want to do assuming that it will never change.




MrsAldi said:


> I don't want to wait decades for change, divorce or separation is not an option I have, so I'm determined to make things work. Our marriage is great other than his low drive.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> I don't want to wait decades for change, divorce or separation is not an option I have, so I'm determined to make things work. Our marriage is great other than his low drive.


A couple of thoughts for you.

(1) Performance concerns are probably part of his problem. The suggestion from a sex therapist who helped my wife and me was that we should make sex fun and playful not stressful. That means that both partners need to not put too much meaning into each sex act. 

That means that you need to understand that sometime your partner will get a cramp in their leg, someone will pass gas or burp, start hiccoping, etc. When that happens you need to lean back and laugh at things and then "play" with each other. Sex is suppose to be about play and bonding not about skillful execution of specific positions.

(2) You don't get to decide what you are going to change in your partner. You can get lucky, but it is really up to them. You need to accept that. Some authors like MW Davis and David Schnarch will say that you can change yourself and by doing so, you will put pressure on your spouse to change, but ultimately it will be up to them. Davis says (in her books Divorce Busting, Sex Starved Wife, Sex Starved Marriage, etc.) that one person by changing can change the dynamic within a relationship, so the other person has to treat them differently, but you can't control whether that will be for the better or worse. It will just be different. 

(3) One of the things I learned through Chapman's the 5 Languages of Love is that if my spouse feels deeply loved and cherrished in her primary and secondary love languages, it will be easier for her to do things to make me feel emotionally loved. Note that Chapman's Love Languages do not include anything sexual. However, a person who feels loved and cherished often does want to have sex.

Good luck to you.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Lurkster said:


> Something that tunes me up & into things, is my W's enthusiasm. I still remember the first time we tried WOT, and I can tell ya, she was into it big time.
> I'll avoid the details, but it sure caused me to lose it far ahead of schedule.
> 
> Just a thought.
> ...


Ok, I give up.

what's WOT?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Wide Open Throttle


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Fozzy said:


> Ok, I give up.
> 
> what's WOT?


World of Tanks?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

badsanta said:


> ...Once all that build up his confidence, THEN tie him to the bed. Jump on top of him, and tell him under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he allowed to orgasm, that you only want him to enjoy watching you! (he will not last long as this method does reverse psychology to any performance anxiety he may have!).


Oooh... who knew badsanta was an evil genius? I like it!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

nice777guy said:


> World of Tanks?


Cowgirl, does that help. Woman on Top


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> Cowgirl, does that help. Woman on Top


DING! DING! DING!

CORRECT!

You don't win anything though.

(Unless you can talk your wife into bronc ride ride later)

:grin2:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Some people just are not into sex. 

That's it. 

If you and your husband are not sexually compatible, then I don't know what to tell you. You might want to take up crochet or needlepoint.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

MotherOfTwo&WifeofOne said:


> So how was his " response " last night if I may ask ??
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk


Nothing happened. But we did cuddle that was nice.

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Some people just are not into sex.
> 
> That's it.
> 
> If you and your husband are not sexually compatible, then I don't know what to tell you. You might want to take up crochet or needlepoint.


Maybe you're right! I'm a bit too young for knitting though. Perhaps reading science fiction more suitable. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> Oooh... who knew badsanta was an evil genius? I like it!


Badsanta has good ideas. He should write some romantic novels I'd definitely buy his books!  

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

There are other factors at play his job is stressful and there is exams to study etc it can take its toll. I know he worries over the littlest things. 

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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Been married almost thirty years and i can honestly say if i'm stressed out and my wife was after me to jump in bed and try out some new positions I would be all over it. Sex is a great stress reliever. But of course in our situation we have the exzct same problem but the roles are reversed. She is the one that is extremely vanilla and I'm the one trying to add a little spice so i feel your frustration. If you find a solution let me know because I am at the point where I've been thinking about leaving for a couple years now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> Been married almost thirty years and i can honestly say if i'm stressed out and my wife was after me to jump in bed and try out some new positions I would be all over it. Sex is a great stress reliever. But of course in our situation we have the exzct same problem but the roles are reversed. She is the one that is extremely vanilla and I'm the one trying to add a little spice so i feel your frustration. If you find a solution let me know because I am at the point where I've been thinking about leaving for a couple years now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bankshot1993, thanks for your reply. Sex is a great stress reliever I tell him, but his job makes him see the ugly side of the world every single day. I know this because when are holidays he is a different man relaxed & in the mood! Our next holiday isn't till September due to his job. Maybe if you act like my husband your wife might be all over you too!  

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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Bankshot1993, thanks for your reply. Sex is a great stress reliever I tell him, but his job makes him see the ugly side of the world every single day. I know this because when are holidays he is a different man relaxed & in the mood! Our next holiday isn't till September due to his job. Maybe if you act like my husband your wife might be all over you too!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


TBH, i've tried acting more like you. Suggesting new positions, trying to engage and yes even took up tantric massage. Unfortunatly it hasn't gotten me anywhere it still missionary sex with the lights off twice a month like clock work. I suppose i should be happy about that, it used to be every couple months if i was lucky until i told her i was leaving. Figured if i was going to have the sex life of a single guy , i might as well be single.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

How did she respond when you said you were leaving her? Did she change/react more willing to try or talk about things? Does she even care? 

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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
this is one of the LD/HD traps. The HD keeps offering more and more - will do ANYTHING to please the LD. The LD doesn't care, sex isn't what they want. Meanwhile since the HD is happy with anything, they LD becomes ever more lazy in bed. 

Not saying it always happens, but its pattern I've seen here several times.





MrsAldi said:


> Nothing happened! I offered to do things that men on this site dream about. But we did cuddle that was nice.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

MrsAldi,
Has he had a full medical check up ? With full lab work ? 
Also does he take meds for depression ? Many are mood killers ? 
You need to do some searching before you are married any longer. 
Good luck , I hope you find out what his problem is.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> MrsAldi,
> Has he had a full medical check up ? With full lab work ?
> Also does he take meds for depression ? Many are mood killers ?
> You need to do some searching before you are married any longer.
> Good luck , I hope you find out what his problem is.


No medical issues, probably job stress. We had a nice talk and we will both make an effort. There is some things I need to do. Last night I ran a bath for him I got a positive response he said I should join him next time! 

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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

T levels are critical...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

naiveonedave said:


> T levels are critical...


T levels?? Could you explain please?

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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> No medical issues, probably job stress. We had a nice talk and we will both make an effort. There is some things I need to do. Last night I ran a bath for him I got a positive response he said I should join him next time!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Sounds like you are on the right track, I mean, to finding out what little things he may find an 'extra' thrill!

I am not experienced with low drive, but I know with my wife (HD), if I do the things she likes the most, and loves, and _wants_, what goes around comes around! 
Her high drive goes into over drive! 

:smile2:


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> T levels?? Could you explain please?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


testosterone levels, sorry for not spelling it out the 1st time. Even if his are low but in the normal range, that could be part of his issue.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

So female here. Not sure if I will be helpful. I was raised Catholic. I don't recall if you said you were, but it seems your husband was. Sex was treated as a very verboten thing in our house and in out church. Sex is this dirty, nasty thing you do to procreate and only with someone you really love. (Unless you are a priest. Then you can do it with small boys against their will with impunity.) I have several brothers. I don't exactly grill them about their sex life. But what I have observed is that is can be as devastating to a healthy sex life as it is for girls. Sounds like you guys have great love and open communication. Is this a topic worth broaching?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

MrsAldi said:


> T levels?? Could you explain please?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Testosterone. Its common for men in their late 30s / early 40s to see a drop in their testosterone levels, which can affect their sex drive.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

nice777guy said:


> Testosterone. Its common for men in their late 30s / early 40s to see a drop in their testosterone levels, which can affect their sex drive.


This would explain a lot as he is 39. I wonder is there any foods or supplements that could help? 

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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

MrsAldi said:


> This would explain a lot as he is 39. I wonder is there any foods or supplements that could help?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


There are various things that can help - including supplements and exercise.

First step would be to ask him to be tested.

Does he "own up to" the problems with your marriage? Or does he see your sex life as normal?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

nice777guy said:


> There are various things that can help - including supplements and exercise.
> 
> First step would be to ask him to be tested.
> 
> Does he "own up to" the problems with your marriage? Or does he see your sex life as normal?


He exercises regularly as it's required for his job. He's a PO. He doesn't own up as doesn't think there is an issue. There isn't I just think we could do with a bit more variety. It would help his stress. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> So female here. Not sure if I will be helpful. I was raised Catholic. I don't recall if you said you were, but it seems your husband was. Sex was treated as a very verboten thing in our house and in out church. Sex is this dirty, nasty thing you do to procreate and only with someone you really love. (Unless you are a priest. Then you can do it with small boys against their will with impunity.) I have several brothers. I don't exactly grill them about their sex life. But what I have observed is that is can be as devastating to a healthy sex life as it is for girls. Sounds like you guys have great love and open communication. Is this a topic worth broaching?


We were both raised Catholics. He is practicing, goes to Maas at least once a month. I'm not sure if it affects his sexual thinking though. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> TBH, i've tried acting more like you. Suggesting new positions, trying to engage and yes even took up tantric massage. Unfortunatly it hasn't gotten me anywhere it still missionary sex with the lights off twice a month like clock work. I suppose i should be happy about that, it used to be every couple months if i was lucky until i told her i was leaving. Figured if i was going to have the sex life of a single guy , i might as well be single.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did your wife respond when you said you were leaving? Did things improve? 

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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

the biggest things for T are supplements or exercise that involves increasing muscle mass (heavy weight lifting). I am sure there are other things, such as diet that would help.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> How did she respond when you said you were leaving her? Did she change/react more willing to try or talk about things? Does she even care?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I had been trying to talk to her for a while and got no where. When I did finally threaten to leave she promised things would change. She also finally opened up about what the issues were (some anyway). This sort of helped a bit because I didn't feel as rejected as I was feeling once I understood what was going on. We could have avoided a lot if she had just talked to me in the first place.

After we had our heart to heart talk the frequency we engaged definitely increased back to what I would say was a more tolerable situation, from once every 2 or 3 months to once a week.

My issue is that I don't know if its any better. For starters, I know that she is trying for my benefit and I appreciate it but knowing that she is doing it simply because I emotionally blackmailed her into it just brings on a whole new mental battle. Being with somebody when it feels like that can't wait for it to be over and they're just doing it because its another household chore isn't really an improvement over not doing it at all.

I've begged her to tell me what kinds of things she would like to try and told her that I would be open to trying anything that would turn her on. Basically my biggest turn on is her getting excited, the more excited she gets the more turned on I get. So I told her anything is on the table and I would be open to try anything to try to bring a spark back. That was about 5 months ago and we are still in the exact same spot.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> I had been trying to talk to her for a while and got no where. When I did finally threaten to leave she promised things would change. She also finally opened up about what the issues were (some anyway). This sort of helped a bit because I didn't feel as rejected as I was feeling once I understood what was going on. We could have avoided a lot if she had just talked to me in the first place.
> 
> After we had our heart to heart talk the frequency we engaged definitely increased back to what I would say was a more tolerable situation, from once every 2 or 3 months to once a week.
> 
> ...


There is nothing worse than being with someone who makes you feel unwanted. Sometimes you just want to be wanted to be lusted after I wish my HB would do that. 

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> He told me that he had been with 2 women, first girlfriend he said they only have sex a few times. The 2nd girl he said she had insulted him during intercourse which ended the relationship.


So his first girlfriend found him sexually disappointing, his second girlfriend also found him sexually disappointing and unsurprisingly told him so.

While today you feel the same.

Considering your husband has form, it is highly likely this will never get better.

So you can either put up with interminable disappointment, or seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Personal said:


> So his first girlfriend found him sexually disappointing, his second girlfriend also found him sexually disappointing and unsurprisingly told him so.
> 
> While today you feel the same.
> 
> ...


Kinda harsh...why put people down when you can bring them up. 
Positive wins over negative any day. How would you feel if your partner criticised you to your face? I know it would hurt you. 

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Kinda harsh...why put people down when you can bring them up.
> Positive wins over negative any day. How would you feel if your partner criticised you to your face? I know it would hurt you.


Facing reality wins over self delusion any day, which would you prefer?

As to how I would feel, I'm happy to relate I would appreciate it because if the shoe fits I'd wear it. Fortunately for me my partner is rather blunt and very direct, as it stands neither of us see much point in tip toeing around the other at the expense of reality.

That said you have chosen to marry a man who has proven to be a sexual disappointment with three sexual partners including yourself. Regardless of whatever you try to do it is highly likely he will always be thus.

So (presuming you have a normal sex drive) in order to save yourself from years of self doubt, poor self-esteem, self loathing, resentment, considerable bitterness and little to no sex at all ever. You ought to get out of this marriage as soon as you can.

On the other hand if you are happy to share a marriage with a platonic marital partner (read no sex best friend/housemate), don't let me discourage you from hanging in there and plugging away.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Personal said:


> Facing reality wins over self delusion any day, which would you prefer?
> 
> As to how I would feel, I'm happy to relate I would appreciate it because if the shoe fits I'd wear it. Fortunately for me my partner is rather blunt and very direct, as it stands neither of us see much point in tip toeing around the other at the expense of reality.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you have a great marriage, I'm not here to argue with anyone. I'm here for help & advise. My Husband does not like to be nagged or criticised (like most men out there) so why should I be selfish and hurt someones feelings in the process? 

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Sounds like you have a great marriage, I'm not here to argue with anyone. I'm here for help & advise. My Husband does not like to be nagged or criticised (like most men out there) so why should I be selfish and hurt someones feelings in the process?


I think it's very sad for the both of you that it is the way it is.

What price are you willing to pay for your own sanity?

You love this man deeply and want to share that love for him sexually and likewise hope he would want to do the same yet he doesn't.

You try doing different things to fix this yet you fear telling him how this hurts you for fear of upsetting him. You describe someone who has made it clear, you ought to not tell him anything he doesn't want to hear.

You should never forget your feelings also matter.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Is the frequency OK? Is the sex good - other than just being a little routine / not having some variety?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

No one is trying to hurt anyone. What you are being told, (and not liking it, which is understandable) is that your husband is not going to change, not going to be the type of guy you say you want. He may change, for a while, but nothing long term and not to the extent that you want him to change.

You need to decide what you want, and then decide. You are the only one who can make that decision, don't let anyone persuade you either way, but do listen to others experiences.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

It's not a sexless marriage, it's lack of variety that's missing, who wants to have sex in the same position (missionary) I'm trying to get him to be more open minded. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

nice777guy said:


> Is the frequency OK? Is the sex good - other than just being a little routine / not having some variety?


Exactly, there is sex and it's good but could be better. I feel terrible saying that. 

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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm a newly wed! About 7 months married but have been together with my guy for 8 years. He's the loveliest most caring person in the world and my best friend but when it's come to sex he only wants the same position all the time. I've tried everything from discussing other positions with him, he says yes but loses interest and we go back to same old ways! I give him plenty of oral sometimes he even refuses that! He never initiates either I'm always the one that has to ask for some lovemaking! He tells me how pretty I am & how I have a lovely body etc I don't know maybe it's the old Irish catholic thing? He attends mass on a regular basis. Any advice would be much appreciated!!!


Was this an issue before you got married? For some guys sex just isn't a big deal...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> Was this an issue before you got married? For some guys sex just isn't a big deal...


Hi, no problems before marriage, things were good. 

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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Hi, no problems before marriage, things were good.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


So the change was the wedding, the causative event, and problems are a symptom. Was it a church wedding or JP wedding? He may have developed a guilt complex for premarital sex... Have you guys thought about seeing a sex therapist/educator? Marriage counseling?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> So the change was the wedding, the causative event, and problems are a symptom. Was it a church wedding or JP wedding? He may have developed a guilt complex for premarital sex... Have you guys thought about seeing a sex therapist/educator? Marriage counseling?


No I don't think it's wedding issue that cost very little, civil ceremony no after party. I don't know why he would have guilt after 8 years. There's no way he would do any therapy or counseling. 

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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Are you the one who always initiates, MrsAldi? Does he even pursue you for sex at all?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> Are you the one who always initiates, MrsAldi? Does he even pursue you for sex at all?


Hi, yes I always initate, he never pursues at all. If I didn't do anything about it we probably would never have sex. 

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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Hi, yes I always initate, he never pursues at all. If I didn't do anything about it we probably would never have sex.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Does he have any health problems that you know of? Has he had blood work and a check up lately?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

No health issues, blood pressure is fine. Maybe he just not that into me anymore or lazy/complacent? When I mention the things I like, he just laughs at me like I'm being silly. 

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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> No health issues, blood pressure is fine. Maybe he just not that into me anymore or lazy/complacent? When I mention the things I like, he just laughs at me like I'm being silly.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


The simple explanation is that he is just plain uninterested in sexual exploration. His religion has continually reinforced a belief that sex is not for pleasure, but for procreation only. If this were true, why did God create the clitoris (it has no true biological function except to make sex pleasurable) on a woman? God does NOT make mistakes!

I am a Christian, and for the life of me, I can't figure out where sex inside a marriage is considered dirty, deviant, should be refrained from, should only be used for procreation, or not be encouraged anywhere in the Bible. Maybe he should actually READ the Bible! Start with the book of Solomon. There are many references to sex in it. Then, there is 1 Corinthians 7, where the apostle Paul talks about the responsibilities of each spouse in the marriage.

I'm saying this to say this: there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG WITH SEX inside marriage!

Another realistic reason for your husband not desiring sex is low testosterone levels, but most men can still "function" very well most of the time well into their 50s without intervention of some kind, although periods of ED (erectile dysfunction) are very common. The thing is, though, the passion for sex gets lost with low T, making it more and more likely that they will become low desire (LD). If he were to have a blood test to check testosterone levels, I'm pretty sure it will be in 400 range, which is considered "normal". The thing is, "normal" is age related, and the quality and passion of sex is diminished with those T levels. A good urologist can fix that lack of desire with T replacement therapy (TRT). Of course, your husband would have to admit he has a problem before any attempt is made to address the issue. He could go to his regular doctor and get a prescription for an ED drug. The doctor may even have some samples for him to try them on hand. It sounds like he probably wouldn't even do this, however.

You'll never know until you try, though. I do know that you two need to have a serious talk about it without getting feelings hurt, being defensive, etc. -- you know..., an ADULT conversation.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Luvher4life said:


> The simple explanation is that he is just plain uninterested in sexual exploration. His religion has continually reinforced a belief that sex is not for pleasure, but for procreation only. If this were true, why did God create the clitoris (it has no true biological function except to make sex pleasurable) on a woman? God does NOT make mistakes!
> 
> I am a Christian, and for the life of me, I can't figure out where sex inside a marriage is considered dirty, deviant, should be refrained from, should only be used for procreation, or not be encouraged anywhere in the Bible. Maybe he should actually READ the Bible! Start with the book of Solomon. There are many references to sex in it. Then, there is 1 Corinthians 7, where the apostle Paul talks about the responsibilities of each spouse in the marriage.
> 
> ...


amen!

btw, i went to catholic elementary and jr. high schools and got the full dose of catholic catechism, and i never heard preached nonsense like 'sex is ONLY for procreation'. matter of fact, they taught that it is an act of bonding love between man and wife. 
for procreation yes, but much more.
of course, only within the confines of marriage. 


of course there are fuddy duddies you will find in all walks of life that are just plain fools.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Yeah, jorgegene, I know. I don't get it. If you are a Christian, it is encouraged that you READ the Bible. It is a source of spiritual enlightenment, and many centuries of wisdom. 

I know abstinence is encouraged before marriage, but I don't get where any abstinence is warranted after you are married, except by "MUTUAL CONSENT", or when devoting yourself to fasting and/or prayer. Sex is actually a pleasurable part of the marriage vow, and is encouraged so that "Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (1 Corinthians 7:5) More Bible study is in order for somebody who doesn't understand this.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> No I don't think it's wedding issue that cost very little, civil ceremony no after party. I don't know why he would have guilt after 8 years. There's no way he would do any therapy or counseling.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Cost has nothing to do with it, the whole "now it is official, legal and binding" aspect may be the problem.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Problem is the marriage. Now you are "wife". In his mind, a good Christian wife does not desire hot steamy sex. He, as leader of family, will help you resist the urge to engage in hot steamy sex. If you let this continue, do not be surprised if he eventually turns to porn, prostitutes, etc. After all, he cannot bring himself to "pollute" his wife with his carnal desires. So he has to man up and vent them where they cannot taint his Godly wife. With women who are clearly sinners. Bring this out into the open and resolve it before it gets worse.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> Cost has nothing to do with it, the whole "now it is official, legal and binding" aspect may be the problem.


Yup, he stopped making a effort I think. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Problem is the marriage. Now you are "wife". In his mind, a good Christian wife does not desire hot steamy sex. He, as leader of family, will help you resist the urge to engage in hot steamy sex. If you let this continue, do not be surprised if he eventually turns to porn, prostitutes, etc. After all, he cannot bring himself to "pollute" his wife with his carnal desires. So he has to man up and vent them where they cannot taint his Godly wife. With women who are clearly sinners. Bring this out into the open and resolve it before it gets worse.


Yes I am his wife so no effort required. He knows I'm not a fan of any organised religions, I haven't attended church in about 2 years so I'm hardly a "good Christian wife" 

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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Yup, he stopped making a effort I think.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Yes. He no longer has to work for it...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Sorry for referencing religion when maybe that is not what is motivating him.

I am suggesting that maybe it is not just laziness. If laziness were the only problem, he would be more open to experimentation. Trying new positions, etc. If he likes doing the same thing over and over again, and resists doing anything differently, then there is something about sexual experimentation that makes him uncomfortable. That discomfort is different than laziness.

One issue that happens in a number of marriages is the "Madonna-wh0re" syndrome. The husband views sex (especially wide varieties of sexual behavior) as dirty and wrong, and something that only "bad" women do. And of course his wife is not a "bad" woman. She is pure and noble. So she doesn't (and couldn't, and shouldn't) want to do all these dirty and disgusting "wild" sexual behaviors. If she suggests having more sex, or trying new things, he resists them. Because in his mind (maybe buried deep in his subconscious and not something he is aware of), his wife suggesting all this "dirty" stuff to him indicates that his wife IS a "bad" woman. Or has tendencies in that direction. And he doesn't like thinking that his wife is "bad".

I suggest you do some research on this mechanism and discuss with your H whether this resonates with him. Because it may be that you are fighting some deeply ingrained views that he has toward sex. That it is bad and wrong to be too "wild" with your wife. And simply asking for more and a wider variety of sex is going to be counter-productive if this is how he feels.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> Yes. He no longer has to work for it...


Irish husband's have the best lives! I do everything for him, so much that his mother told him to bring me on a romantic break! 

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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Irish husband's have the best lives! I do everything for him, so much that his mother told him to bring me on a romantic break!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I've always wanted to visit the Emerald Isle...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MrsAldi said:


> *Hi, no problems before marriage, things were good. *





MrsAldi said:


> Hi, yes I always initate, he never pursues at all. If I didn't do anything about it we probably would never have sex.


Been reading through this thread.. So BEFORE You married... for 8 long years pretty much. you were Satisfied with your sex life.. does that mean he regularly initiated then?? I also read he is age 39.. as men age...generally their test levels start to wane, they are not as ANTSY, focused on sex as their early years...(a man's PRIME is in his 20's)... also you mentioned *WORK STRESS* a couple times earlier in the thread.. this can also lower a man's testosterone...

Then I am wondering YOUR AGE and if you had a recent sex drive spike that has awakened you in ways you never really cared as cared or thought as much about.... I ask this.. because it happened to ME...

My husband is one of those who could go his entire life being happy with 2 positions... I was always satisfied with our sex life, we orgasmed together - what more did we need...

But when I hit my early 40's... it's like "OMG.. what is happening to me.. that's all I can think about.. I felt my mind was hi-jacked.. then I was thinking.. what was wrong with us.. we were so vanilla [email protected]# and here he had some work stress, new boss from hell.. the guys on edge.. colliding at the same time I was having some sort of sexual surge.. which landed me on this forum -cause I wanted him to be more "aggressive".. I was buying all sorts of sex books.. I was living to Spice things UP... (does any of this sound relate-able ?)

Is your husband lacking SLEEP by any chance??

If I was in your shoes.. if it's a matter of things suddenly taking a dive (probably his Test added with work pressures right now) with your horniness bar rising at the same time (women's sexual PRIME) ...... if your foundation is solid , strong... the sex has been GOOD , satisfactory in the past.. I mean surely you have lots to work with here..

Beings you are the more High Drive...here is what I did... basically everything I could to make his life easier, more carefree... so he'd get an optimal amount of sleep & he ready to go when I was wanting it.. 

Mornings are generally the best time for men.. after a good nights sleep... have you found him more "ready"/ willing with an erection then?? If so.. take advantage of it.. If he's masturbating.. I'd be very upset beings you are craving him... do you talk about these things?

I did have my husband's Testosterone checked when he was age 45.. it was on the lower side of normal.. he didn't need any treatment.. had it tested a few years later & it was higher.. so looking back.. the work stress had it taking a DIP during that time frame...but it picked back up... 

Hopefully this is all it is... if things were GOOD before this...

As for raising Testosterone naturally... here is a link for some ideas... How to Increase Testosterone Levels Naturally

Do you give him any Men's vitamins -just to give some extra Zip & vitality.. you can read some reviews on Puritan's Pride..  "Men's sexual health"

How long have you felt Undesired by him.. to where this is really getting you down.. leading you to post here? Honesty.. is it more that you just NEED him to initiate.. this being a step to making you feel loved, desired , wanted.. or is this an unhappiness you have been feeling for YEARS wanting more Spicy sex / more positions.. but it's coming to a head NOW -beings his initiating has slowed to a crawl?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@badsanta had a few posts in a thread I happened onto and posted in. 

I wish I could remember where it was in this forum. 

What he posted is what you want to do. It would open up your husband and then it might be possible, if you can build his trust in you with your own vulnerability, you husband just might open up and be a little more aggressive. Chances are, you will have to be the more aggressive one, but he would be able to follow along and even take the lead during.

I'm sorry. I can't find it. It was an amazing post that awakened my brain to what was possibly going on. I wish I would have saved it. Maybe he can help.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> T levels are critical...


The thing between the ears is far more critical.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> I've always wanted to visit the Emerald Isle...


Hell yeah!! You'll be welcomed that's for sure The bits of sunshine we've getting make the place look beautiful especially when your sitting in the beer garden! 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

john117 said:


> The thing between the ears is far more critical.


This had me laughing!! Don't know if you were joking but it was funny. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@SimplyAmorous a lot of it has to do with work stress. He's a police officer & we moved from small town (nothing going on) to our main city which has a lot of problems. So he's tired big time. Which is probably why the dynamic has changed. Sometimes he could be on call for 18+ hour's. I do everything I can to make him happy & relaxed, I never moan, nag or complain as he's a wonderful sweet person. Maybe I'm here because of his distance & my urges is me trying to reconnect with him but he's just exhausted. It's not about just sex, it's about having the closeness back. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@2ntnuf I've been doing a lot of research myself, and have found some helpful things. There has been progress, he's noticed that foreplay is a lot of fun!! 

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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MrsAldi said:


> @SimplyAmorous a lot of it has to do with work stress.* He's a police officer & we moved from small town (nothing going on) to our main city which has a lot of problems.* So he's tired big time. *Which is probably why the dynamic has changed. Sometimes he could be on call for 18+ hour's.* I do everything I can to make him happy & relaxed, I never moan, nag or complain as he's a wonderful sweet person. Maybe I'm here because of his distance & my urges is me trying to reconnect with him *but he's just exhausted. It's not about just sex, it's about having the closeness back.*


 18 hrs straight!!! How many hours a Week does he work ??

And going from a nice calm country atmosphere (that's where I live) to the big bad city -with all that crime ! Yeah.. he IS major stressed... his focus has been re-directed and it's taking its toll, probably feels a # of new pressures, getting used to his new environment......

It doesn't sound you have much TIME together, your & his routine has been greatly interrupted... 

So this isn't all that much about his being repressed sexually - as much as you craving more TIME...and well.. more sexual time with him...just wanting things back the way they once were (more leisure, more time for his affection)...not so much that he's always been a dud in bed with your craving new positions type thing. 

Just trying to get the right picture of what he is going through NOW.. and where you 2 have been in the past, when you said it was always "Good"..

I take it getting married and his new job location was around the same time then?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@SimplyAmorous he would work probably 90+ hours depends on what's happens. Crim's don't have work schedules! Plus there's extra training for possible terror attacks since Paris & Brussels. Before it was day shift 12hrs. We moved after honeymoon, romance kinda dwindled. It's more 5 mins of lovemaking. No foreplay, pillow talk or intimacy. Which I understand he's exhausted but I think if we make time he would be much happier! 

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> @2ntnuf I've been doing a lot of research myself, and have found some helpful things. There has been progress, he's noticed that foreplay is a lot of fun!!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I can't recall what @2ntnuf might have been mentioning, but in my own marriage I do have to contend with a partner that was raised to believe that masturbation is sinful. What you do NOT want to do is accuse your husband of being inadequate! Nor do you want to accuse him of having medical problems or suggest he go to the doctor. 

I have not reread this thread, but you have to work on his self confidence. You also have to work on ways that serve the purpose of criticizing him but in reality come across as you sexually teasing him into being more adventurous. 

Another easy thing to try would be taking a step backwards and having sex without even taking off your cloths. Buy a hitachi wand and demonstrate to your husband that you can have mind blowing orgasms in his arms while the both of you are fully clothed. You might wish to lay in his arms facing away from his so that he can reach around and control the wand and/or reach underneath your shirt to caress your breasts. Then when it is his turn, he will be so aroused that by the time he gets his pants off he will be done!

If you want him to be more adventurous and take the initiative, be careful that you are not setting unrealistic expectations if you have always been the one in the lead. It will take time, and improvements will be gradual. 

Generally speaking, you want him to be aroused and curious at the same time. Tell him you have always wanted to to try something different, and choose something that would be EASY for him. Make sure it is something that allows him to easily please you and that does not require him to be aroused (improves opportunities for you to tease him and his arousal to increase). An example might be that you want him to rub coconut oil all over and "inside" of you. Just that and nothing more. Then while he is doing it, ask him if he likes being inside of you when you are extremely aroused, but tell him "not just yet" once he is interested that you want to oil him up first. Then as you caress him, ask him to tell you why he likes to be inside of you more that just being touched by your hands. Start describing to each other things that you like while building arousal and delaying the time until you actually allow yourselves to do it. Practice these things for a while, get him comfortable talking to you while he is aroused, and make him curious to feel/try something with you, but build anticipation! 

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It was something about teasing or how to with regards to initiating, you told a member having issues, @badsanta. It really spoke to me and I commented that it would work well, but the member might not want to do it all the time or her husband might end up never initiating. 

Your post made me remember that someone did nearly the same with me and it drove my libido very high. Though, I somehow grew into sharing the responsibility of initiating, I can remember it being a struggle to remember it was my turn, sort of. That's why I posted the way I did. I'd forgotten that. 

Thank you for reminding me of a positive experience in that marriage... one of very few.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@badsanta I would never accuse or be critical especially when it comes to love. Nobody deserves that. He's exhausted from work and needs time to decompress/ relax. I need to work on making a effort where it's not a chore for him. Thanks for the advice I'll use some of these tips. 

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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> This had me laughing!! Don't know if you were joking but it was funny.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I'm not joking....


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> I'm not joking....


That thing between your ears @john117 is probably all limp and squishy even though you run around in these forums all hard headed!

Now that's a joke!

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> @badsanta I would never accuse or be critical especially when it comes to love. Nobody deserves that. He's exhausted from work and needs time to decompress/ relax. I need to work on making a effort where it's not a chore for him. Thanks for the advice I'll use some of these tips.


Just think up ways that are EASY for him to please you. Don't be afraid to throw a "playful" passive aggressive temper tantrum and warn him there will be NO DINNER on the table unless he sends you at least ONE sexy text during the day to TEASE YOU about how awesome of a lover he is!

Be super playful and even preprogram some sexy texts into his phone so all he has to do is hit send:

"Do you want me to pick up more coconut oil on the way home?"

"I know you are hot for me, but please do not set your underwear on fire! I'll be home soon!"

"I'm having a HARD day at work today, but that makes me happy because I'm thinking about you and getting HARDER!"

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm a newly wed! About 7 months married but have been together with my guy for 8 years. He's the loveliest most caring person in the world and my best friend but when it's come to sex he only wants the same position all the time. I've tried everything from discussing other positions with him, he says yes but loses interest and we go back to same old ways! I give him plenty of oral sometimes he even refuses that! He never initiates either I'm always the one that has to ask for some lovemaking! He tells me how pretty I am & how I have a lovely body etc I don't know maybe it's the old Irish catholic thing? He attends mass on a regular basis. Any advice would be much appreciated!!!


Catholic teaching is pretty clear on the primary importance of sex in marriage. Thirty-nine is not that old, I am that age myself and while keeping up with women younger than yourself is taxing, it is also enjoyable and possible. 

From him losing his erection, it does lead me to a way of thinking. It sounds as if things are possible if you take the initiative and are dressed sexy. It might be he is inhibited about sex and would feel uneasy when he has the responsibility. 

I recall a year or so ago I lost an erection. I was going through a very difficult time, and apologised. The lady I was with was young enough to not be willing to accept it as a possibility and took it as her role to make sure it came back. Oddly, in that situation it took the pressure off. Most women like to be thrown around and slapped a good amount, at that time, I struggled with it.

If he is uneasy, unashamedly take responsibility. Tell him that you will need to be satisfied, and if he goes limp give him direction. 

I am sure you have tried this, but if you have not, clear direction and cuddles may help.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

sapientia said:


> It a very elegant book about sex. Tasteful, erotic drawings.
> 
> You have to flex to people's learning style. It works just as well for sex as calculus!
> 
> Does your husband read a lot? If so, this could help quite a bit. Just don't let him read it in his favourite armchair -- bedroom only!


If he is inhibited, it might seem rather demanding and terrifying.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Mr The Other thank you for your advice, we have been making a lot of progress these days. We've discussed what he likes, I like etc. He's agreed to cut down on the porn. I don't mind porn at all, he knows this and agreed to only watch once a month. It's already improved things dramatically. 

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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> @Mr The Other thank you for your advice, we have been making a lot of progress these days. We've discussed what he likes, I like etc. He's agreed to cut down on the porn. I don't mind porn at all, he knows this and agreed to only watch once a month. It's already improved things dramatically.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Glad to hear it. Inhibition can encourage porn use, I suspect. It makes sex feel safer and controllable without pressure. But can damage it IRL.


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

sapientia said:


> Buy this lovely book and look at it with him in bed. Go with what resonates.
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Sensual-Loving-Illustrated/dp/B0007XAWAI


I have also just placed the order out of curiosity. Who wouldn't like spicing up things?! :grin2:


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Annette Tush it's good!!!!  

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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @Annette Tush it's good!!!!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I will report the fireworks here :wink2:


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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

Mrs.Aldi, forgive me for not reading through all of the posts. I was interested in your point that the problem might be his religion or religious upbringing. I'm a Southern Baptist and you would think we don't like to dance, have only one way of having sex etc..etc...but, I can assure you we have fun in the bed. If this is his reasoning, I would point you to 1 Corinthians 1-9. Sex in Marriage is a gift from God.
It is a command that he please you as well as you please him. Again, I hope I'm not going over ground already covered but I thought I would add this in the event it may be the problem.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@SouthernViking thank you for your reply.
He is a practicing Catholic, but it's not the reason for him. 
It's because of his ex girlfriends critical behaviours & his exhaustion from work. 
Things are improving big time! 

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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

Outstanding!


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I read the book "She comes first" and it bothered my wife. She felt the sketches were pornographic,
though she loved the improvement in my technique.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Tortdog that's great! I think my husband would be offended if I handed him that book! Irish men are weird sometimes...

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