# Wife upset because I refused to buy her jewelry



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 4 years, and we've been together for 15. We're both in our early 40's. She very rarely wears jewelry, in fact, she almost never wears her (very expensive) wedding ring because she claims to be afraid of scuffing it up at work. In addition, she rarely wears the other jewelry that I bought for her in prior years. Last year, I bought a diamond bracelet that she wanted for her Birthday, and I can count on one hand the amount of times she's actually worn it within the year. It just sits in a box on the dresser collecting dust. I was upset about that because she kept begging for it, so I finally bought it and it never gets used.

Well, this year she wanted a diamond pendant for her Birthday, and kept hinting at it, but I refused to buy it. It would be something else sitting on the dresser collecting dust. 

I ended up buying her flowers and a few other things that she'll actually use for her Birthday, but now, she's been moping around and insinuating that I don't care about her because I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on something that won't get touched. I feel kind of bad, but I can't justify spending that much money on something that she'll rarely (if at all) use, especially since we're planning to move and need to save money. 

This newfound interest in jewelry within the last year has me puzzled; I think one of her friends/co-workers that's always in her ear is influencing her wanting jewelry all of a sudden because it's something she never cared about it in the past and she almost never wears it. I've even brought up that fact several times. This would be like me suddenly wanting video games, then never playing them once I got a console. It makes no sense to me.

Can I get a female perspective on this?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I can give you male perspective on this.

You shouldn't feel bad AT ALL. Your wife is acting like a little girl/princess/self entitled spoiled brat.

Shouldn't she be grateful that she even got a gift? 

Tell her, if she continues, you won't be buying her ANYTHING going forward. 

You can't always get what you want.....this is something that MOST people should know/learn VERY early in life.

This would be a HUGE turn off for me.

Thank GOD my wife is not into jewelry at all or is able to be brainwashed by your "typical jewelry BS many women spew" this day and age.

Diamonds are the most overpriced/overhyped item one can buy on this entire planet. 

Come try to sell me a 10k diamond for $100 bucks....and I still wouldn't buy it. It's useless and worthless.

But I also understand that Diamond is a woman's "piss match" between themselves.

I just can't tolerate this kind of behavior your wife is presenting you with, I'm sorry for ****ty advice.

Tell her you want a new C7 vette for your birthday and give her a hissy fit when you don't get it.

Unreal....


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> I can give you male perspective on this.
> 
> You shouldn't feel bad AT ALL. Your wife is acting like a little girl/princess/self entitled spoiled brat.
> 
> ...


My wife is the most generous person that I've ever met, and I don't mind doing things for her, but this... I just can't justify spending that amount of money on something that won't be used, especially knowing that we've already been down this road and she won't wear what I already bought for her, in addition to not wearing her wedding ring.

Last year, she bought me an iPod for my Birthday. I literally used the damn thing every day as it was plugged into my car. This year, she bought me some Air Jordan shoes. I wear them almost every weekend, and I've worn those shoes more times than she wore the bracelet that I bought for her last year.

I don't know if she's having a mid-life crisis, or is entrenched in a material one upsmanship game with her idiot co-workers. Still, I kind of feel like a jerk for not getting her what she wanted.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Female perspective: Say you love golf but haven't had much opportunity to play lately. You start thinking that maybe a new driver would be nice and even if you don't use it very often, it will still be nice to have in your bag.

Now, wife knows you hardly ever play. So, for your birthday you unwrap a nice, shiny, new toilet plunger because she knows you''ll definitely use this and besides, she's saving money for the move. Happy birthday!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Hmm.
One of two possiblities.
1. She feels loved if you buy her a useless impractical gift. If that is the case, then buy alot of useless impractical gifts.
2. She is spoiled and is making you her dog jump through hoops. If that is the case, then don't buy any more useless impractical gifts.

Your job is to figure out 1 versus 2. Knowing your wife is every husband's job.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> My wife and I have been married for 4 years, and we've been together for 15. We're both in our early 40's. She very rarely wears jewelry, in fact, she almost never wears her (very expensive) wedding ring because she claims to be afraid of scuffing it up at work. In addition, she rarely wears the other jewelry that I bought for her in prior years. Last year, I bought a diamond bracelet that she wanted for her Birthday, and I can count on one hand the amount of times she's actually worn it within the year. It just sits in a box on the dresser collecting dust. I was upset about that because she kept begging for it, so I finally bought it and it never gets used.
> 
> Well, this year she wanted a diamond pendant for her Birthday, and kept hinting at it, but I refused to buy it. It would be something else sitting on the dresser collecting dust.
> 
> ...


I'm not female but I will lay it out there for you.

My wife told me that I buy her things *I think* she needs. Not what she desires or wants. She is grateful however. But, if you think about it, gifting someone what you think they need is something you do for a kid. At any rate, the purchase of the jewelry, whether is sits or is worn, should have very little bearing on making said purchase. This piece of jewelry is something she probably admires while in the box. It is worn on special occassions only. I can not tell you the countless pieces of jewelry my mother had. To them it is similar to a box full of countless tools for you. I love wrenches and hand tools. I have three boxes full of them. I do not use them everyday. I admire them sometimes. I always ask for more tools.

Purchase the piece of jewelry. Have her be happy.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> My wife is the most generous person that I've ever met, and I don't mind doing things for her, but this... I just can't justify spending that amount of money on something that won't be used, especially knowing that we've already been down this road and she won't wear what I already bought for her, in addition to not wearing her wedding ring.
> 
> Last year, she bought me an iPod for my Birthday. I literally used the damn thing every day as it was plugged into my car. This year, she bought me some Air Jordan shoes. I wear them almost every weekend, and I've worn those shoes more times than she wore the bracelet that I bought for her last year.
> 
> I don't know if she's having a mid-life crisis, or is entrenched in a material one upsmanship game with her idiot co-workers. Still, I kind of feel like a jerk for not getting her what she wanted.


Some times the desire for jewelry is more a desire for a nest egg of her own, something she could sell or pawn if she needed quick cash and couldn't access your shared resources, or didn't want you to know that she was getting quick cash together.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Male perspective.

I have a rifle I have not fired in a decade. It was an anniversary gift. 

It's not that I don't appreciate it. I take it out and admire it once in awhile.  She was way, way outside of her comfort zone with that gift and it's special because of that.

It is also worth three times+ more today than what it was worth when she bought it so it was not money that's been wasted either.

I tend to look at jewelry gifts given to her in much the same way.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Female perspective: Say you love golf but haven't had much opportunity to play lately. You start thinking that maybe a new driver would be nice and even if you don't use it very often, it will still be nice to have in your bag.
> 
> Now, wife knows you hardly ever play. So, for your birthday you unwrap a nice, shiny, new toilet plunger because she knows you''ll definitely use this and besides, she's saving money for the move. Happy birthday!


Thanks. I suppose it's a case of emotional vs. logical... and for the record, I wouldn't ask my wife to buy me anything expensive, even if I knew she could easily afford it. In fact, I never ask for anything for my Birthday.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Hmm.
> One of two possiblities.
> 1. She feels loved if you buy her a useless impractical gift. If that is the case, then buy alot of useless impractical gifts.
> 2. She is spoiled and is making you her dog jump through hoops. If that is the case, then don't buy any more useless impractical gifts.
> ...


Thanks. Flowers and balloons are extremely impractical, but I bought them for her anyway... and she knows how much I hate buying flowers; I think they are a waste of money- they die, make a mess and smell terrible when they decompose. Still, jewelry is a horse of a different color. If she actually wore it, that's a different story. This seems to be a new phase in her life, and it makes no sense to me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Thanks. I suppose it's a case of emotional vs. logical... and for the record, I wouldn't ask my wife to buy me anything expensive, even if I knew she could easily afford it. In fact, I never ask for anything for my Birthday.


My wife does not ask for much of anything. So, when she does ask I get it for her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hmmmph, you haven't bought me any jewelry either!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anyone over the age of twenty knows that diamonds are a bad investment. They don't appreciate in value and aren't even rare.

Women would not deplete the joint account merely to squirrel away diamond jewelry in event of needing to liquidate it. That's taking money out of their own pocket. Dumb financial move.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> My wife is the most generous person that I've ever met, and I don't mind doing things for her, but this... I just can't justify spending that amount of money on something that won't be used, especially knowing that we've already been down this road and she won't wear what I already bought for her, in addition to not wearing her wedding ring.
> 
> Last year, she bought me an iPod for my Birthday. I literally used the damn thing every day as it was plugged into my car. This year, she bought me some Air Jordan shoes. I wear them almost every weekend, and I've worn those shoes more times than she wore the bracelet that I bought for her last year.
> 
> I don't know if she's having a mid-life crisis, or is entrenched in a material one upsmanship game with her idiot co-workers. Still, I kind of feel like a jerk for not getting her what she wanted.


Don't

She is a jerk for acting the way she is. 

I don't care what gift I get, I appreciate for the thought of ANYONE caring enough about me to get me SOMETHING/ANYTHING.

It's the thought that counts, not the gift.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I buy my wife jewelry, but she wears it often, even if it's just around the house with sexy lingerie. Most of it she'll wear when we go out, or she'll wear certain things to work.

I also buy her practical but thoughtful things that she appreciates, like the "blow job throne" - a little plastic stool for the shower. I don't want her knees to get sore from the hard tile!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Female perspective: Say you love golf but haven't had much opportunity to play lately. You start thinking that maybe a new driver would be nice and even if you don't use it very often, it will still be nice to have in your bag.
> 
> Now, wife knows you hardly ever play. So, for your birthday you unwrap a nice, shiny, new toilet plunger because she knows you''ll definitely use this and besides, she's saving money for the move. Happy birthday!


What's the problem?

PS. I don't play golf.....


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I rarely wear jewelry but I have a lot of it some from my husband some inherited from my grandmother's and mother. My daughters and I, every couple months, will take it out and look at it and try it all on. They like to tell me which pieces they would like to wear someday or to have someday. I really like the analogy with men and tools because men pass on their tools to sons and women will pass on their jewelry to their daughters.

Jewelry is something you will have and keep forever even if you seldom wear it. you'll remember the times that you did and talk about them with your descendants. It really is a case of "family jewels" - haha, real meaning.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm not female but I will lay it out there for you.
> 
> My wife told me that I buy her things *I think* she needs. Not what she desires or wants. She is grateful however. But, if you think about it, gifting someone what you think they need is something you do for a kid. At any rate, the purchase of the jewelry, whether is sits or is worn, should have very little bearing on making said purchase. This piece of jewelry is something she probably admires while in the box. It is worn on special occassions only. I can not tell you the countless pieces of jewelry my mother had. To them it is similar to a box full of countless tools for you. I love wrenches and hand tools. I have three boxes full of them. I do not use them everyday. I admire them sometimes. I always ask for more tools.
> 
> Purchase the piece of jewelry. Have her be happy.


Thanks. Happy wife, happy life, right? 

I suppose it's like my action figure collecting, just on a brobdingnagian scale. I don't play with them at all, and only do photoshoots with them here and there; it's just for collecting, however, I don't own an $800 action figure, and I would never ask my wife to buy one for me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

in all honesty most fake diamonds are so real looking these days that unless she got it appraised she would never know


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Some times the desire for jewelry is more a desire for a nest egg of her own, something she could sell or pawn if she needed quick cash and couldn't access your shared resources, or didn't want you to know that she was getting quick cash together.


One of the reasonings she gave me to try and justify this was, "What if we need the money later down the road. This will appreciate in value, and we could sell it for a greater return." That line of thinking boggled my mind. I replied with, "Why don't I just open a CD account for you then? At least I know you'll use that at some point."


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Anyone over the age of twenty knows that diamonds are a bad investment. They don't appreciate in value and aren't even rare.
> 
> Women would not deplete the joint account merely to squirrel away diamond jewelry in event of needing to liquidate it. That's taking money out of their own pocket. Dumb financial move.


The diamond should not be seen or given as an investment. The marriage is not a Wall Street deal. The move is an emotional keepsake one.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Male perspective.
> 
> I have a rifle I have not fired in a decade. It was an anniversary gift.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that perspective!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> Thanks. Flowers and balloons are extremely impractical, but I bought them for her anyway... and she knows how much I hate buying flowers; I think they are a waste of money- they die, make a mess and smell terrible when they decompose. Still, jewelry is a horse of a different color. If she actually wore it, that's a different story. This seems to be a new phase in her life, and it makes no sense to me.


There's your problem.
If you buy her flowers and you hate it, you are making a big mistake. What if she has sex with you but hates it? Does that make you feel very good?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Thanks. Happy wife, happy life, right?
> 
> I suppose it's like my action figure collecting, just on a brobdingnagian scale. I don't play with them at all, and only do photoshoots with them here and there; it's just for collecting, however, I don't own an $800 action figure, and I would never ask my wife to buy one for me.


Exactly! I own a 1950's classic. It sits all week. I drive in 15 miles on Sunday. Then it sits. I admire it. I polish it. I tinker. I want another one! But by and large, it's a toy! Some women see jewelry the same way. The wear it every now and then. They polish and admire it. They want more.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

code20 said:


> I rarely wear jewelry but I have a lot of it some from my husband some inherited from my grandmother's and mother. My daughters and I, every couple months, will take it out and look at it and try it all on. They like to tell me which pieces they would like to wear someday or to have someday. I really like the analogy with men and tools because men pass on their tools to sons and women will pass on their jewelry to their daughters.
> 
> Jewelry is something you will have and keep forever even if you seldom wear it. you'll remember the times that you did and talk about them with your descendants. It really is a case of "family jewels" - haha, real meaning.


That's an interesting way to look at it. My wife's Mom just gave her a gold and emerald ring; it's something of a family heirloom, but she never wears it. It collects dust along with all the other jewelry she owns.

Funny thing- my wife wore a different bracelet today, one that she got from her Mom, but not the one that I bought for her. :scratchhead: I almost made mention of it this morning, but wasn't in the mood to get into an argument.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> in all honesty most fake diamonds are so real looking these days that unless she got it appraised she would never know


Hmm... Never thought of that. I figured that most diamond distributors (Fred & Meyers, Zales, Shane Co., etc.) were on the level.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> The diamond should not be seen or given as an investment. The marriage is not a Wall Street deal. The move is an emotional keepsake one.


My post was in regards to nuckingfuts suggestion that the jewelry could be her own nest egg.

The OP's post to nf illustrates how some people (the wife) are not aware of the fact that diamonds are not a good investment financially.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> Hmm... Never thought of that. I figured that most diamond distributors (Fred & Meyers, Zales, Shane Co., etc.) were on the level.


well I'm not saying to be dishonest

but you can buy real gold jewelry that is super nice but instead of diamonds it has cubic zirconia or the like

everything but the perceived value is the same as diamonds and if she has a problem simply because it isn't "real" then it's rather shallow


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Legitimate sellers of diamonds always provide a certificate showing grading of the diamonds and appraisal. Please don't try to pass off a fake on the wife. One trip to the jewelers for cleaning or prong tightening will reveal the deceit and then you'll really be in hot water.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I don't get the sense that your wife has been princessified, so that's not an issue to deal with...

Obviously if money is tight, there are practical limitations, but sometimes it's about more than just practicality and usefulness. It's about seeing that smile on her face and not remotely understanding why it's there beyond the fact that I put it there. That to me is priceless.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Hicks said:


> There's your problem.
> If you buy her flowers and you hate it, you are making a big mistake. What if she has sex with you but hates it? Does that make you feel very good?


Not really. I bought her flowers because she likes them, and it's the thought and sentiment behind the gift. It made me feel good that she liked the flowers. 

I suppose what's grinding my gears is the fact that I bought her an expensive diamond bracelet last year and never wears it, then, she has the nerve to ask for something else that she probably won't wear. 

What's also eating at me is the fact that she would put me in this position. I would NEVER ask her to buy me anything over $100, and if I did, I would use it. #logic #nothavingthatpartofthebrain


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> well I'm not saying to be dishonest
> 
> but you can buy real gold jewelry that is super nice but instead of diamonds it has cubic zirconia or the like
> 
> everything but the perceived value is the same as diamonds and if she has a problem simply because it isn't "real" then it's rather shallow


x2

Lab Created diamonds FTW

My wife likes emralds, I've been buying her Lab Created ones and she loves them. She also knows and realizes that REAL Emralds are actually not as good, as they have flaws that lab created don't have.......she can't tell the difference between the 2 either (neither can I)......and we are talking 1/10th the cost, if not less.

My issue (and OP issue) is that she is upset about the gift. Why? Who cares why she didn't get what she wanted.....why is she acting spoiled and the opposite of "appreciative"

I'm sorry but that's just wrong.

When you get a gift, you be thankful ......not "upset". Be happy there are people out there that give a ****....hello


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Not really. I bought her flowers because she likes them, and it's the thought and sentiment behind the gift. It made me feel good that she liked the flowers.
> 
> I suppose what's grinding my gears is the fact that I bought her an expensive diamond bracelet last year and never wears it, then, she has the nerve to ask for something else that she probably won't wear.
> 
> What's also eating at me is the fact that she would put me in this position. I would NEVER ask her to buy me anything over $100, and if I did, I would use it. #logic #nothavingthatpartofthebrain


Forget about < what it is >, focus on why she is upset about getting ANY gift? Why is she acting spoiled/unappreciative?

That's the core issue IMO.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Exactly! I own a 1950's classic. It sits all week. I drive in 15 miles on Sunday. Then it sits. I admire it. I polish it. I tinker. I want another one! But by and large, it's a toy! Some women see jewelry the same way. The wear it every now and then. They polish and admire it. They want more.


Perhaps something that I'm struggling with is my wife putting me in this position. If I wanted something expensive, I wouldn't hint around because I would feel guilty for putting those thoughts into my wife's head.

I cosplay at comic conventions and there is a $400 leather jacket that I've been eyeing for the last year, but I never said anything to her about it because I don't want to put that type of pressure on her. $400 is a significant amount, at least to me, and it wouldn't be something I used on a weekly basis.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> I cosplay at comic conventions



must...not....make...joke....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Perhaps something that I'm struggling with is my wife putting me in this position. If I wanted something expensive, I wouldn't hint around because I would feel guilty for putting those thoughts into my wife's head.
> 
> I cosplay at comic conventions and there is a $400 leather jacket that I've been eyeing for the last year, but I never said anything to her about it because I don't want to put that type of pressure on her. $400 is a significant amount, at least to me, and it wouldn't be something I used on a weekly basis.


smart

Can you approach it from "budget" perspective? 

"Honey, our present budget is XX or XXX and what you wanted is way beyond that, I'm sorry"

:scratchhead:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> One of the reasonings she gave me to try and justify this was, "What if we need the money later down the road. This will appreciate in value, and we could sell it for a greater return." That line of thinking boggled my mind. I replied with, "Why don't I just open a CD account for you then? At least I know you'll use that at some point."


Yeah, I didn't say it was logical. Some women think that way. 

I think you should look at it like a collectible. Some people collect baseball cards, some people collect stamps, she collects jewelry. You'll never see a philatelist wearing any of his collection either. 

Bottom line, get her what she wants and don't worry about why she wants it, just try to make her happy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

coupdegrace, some women are conditioned to believe that it's the husband's place to buy his wife jewelry. Some women (not I, lol) don't feel comfortable buying themselves jewelry.

Gifts may be one of your wife's love languages. You've been married x # of years. How many pieces of expensive jewelry have you purchased for her? Is one piece per year too many in your estimation? How much is too much for you to spend on a gift for her?

The language of touch may be one of your love languages. Just imagine if your wife was as logical and stingy in her affection with you. You'd be screaming in the sex in marriage forum that you're only getting it once a year.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I don't get the sense that your wife has been princessified, so that's not an issue to deal with...
> 
> Obviously if money is tight, there are practical limitations, but sometimes it's about more than just practicality and usefulness. It's about seeing that smile on her face and not remotely understanding why it's there beyond the fact that I put it there. That to me is priceless.


One thing that I've been struggling with is that his came on the heels of me having to buy 4 new tires for my truck $600, a refrigerator $1000, a dishwasher $400 and registration and smog checks for 2 vehicles. In addition, I will have to buy a garage door opener that's breaking down... and after all of this, she wants me to waste money on something she won't use. The practical and logical part of my brain is overriding everything else. 

If it was a small trinket, I could possibly live with that, but an expensive diamond piece is too much, and I can't believe that she would put me in the position of being a heel in the relationship.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

There's a lot of stuff we have that rarely gets used. I guess she just wanted to option to wear something lovely given the occasion to wear it. Maybe it's a sign she would enjoy going out and doing things together more now that you're both older and probably a little more well off than you used to be etc.

What you do need to do though is sit down with her and say exactly how you feel. You seem to have it all sorted out in your head now so you should be able to make your point clearly enough I would think.

Edited to add: I bought DH something well over $100 just because it's what I wanted to get him. It's his birthday soon, we hardly ever get stuff we like, always stuff the family needs. It's our one day of the entire year we get to spoil each other. We also have a tight budget, but I make it fit because I want to.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> Forget about < what it is >, focus on why she is upset about getting ANY gift? Why is she acting spoiled/unappreciative?
> 
> That's the core issue IMO.


Thing is, this is entirely new. She's never acted like this before. I think it's her friends... and her friends have lying, cheating, sexual assaulting husbands, so I'm a gem compared to those losers.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> must...not....make...joke....


LOL. It's been a hobby of mine for the last 10 years. Sue me.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Maybe tell her, if she'll pay for your tires, you'll buy the jewelry...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Yeah, I didn't say it was logical. Some women think that way.
> 
> I think you should look at it like a collectible. Some people collect baseball cards, some people collect stamps, she collects jewelry. You'll never see a philatelist wearing any of his collection either.
> 
> Bottom line, get her what she wants and don't worry about why she wants it, just try to make her happy.


Thing is, she never wanted jewelry until last year. Can you see where I'm coming from? There was no singular event that occured that I know of that warranted this compulsion... and $800+ is a great deal of money to spend for a smile and something that will never be touched. 

If she actually wore jewelry, I wouldn't mind buying it, but after her not wearing her wedding ring, the diamond earrings that I bought for her years ago (without her asking) and now this diamond bracelet last year, it feels like a complete waste to buy this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> On thing that I've been struggling with is that his came on the heels of me having to buy 4 new tires for my truck $600, a refrigerator $1000, a dishwasher $400 and registration and smog checks for 2 vehicles. In addition, I will have to buy a garage door opener that's breaking down... and after all of this, *she wants me to waste money on something she won't use.* The practical and logical part of my brain is overriding everything else.
> 
> If it was a small trinket, I could possibly live with that, but an expensive diamond piece is too much, and I can't believe that she would put me in the position of being a heel in the relationship.


You need to change this mindset of it being a waste...you're minimizing her feelings.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

If you try to buy a woman's happiness, you'll end up broke with an unhappy woman.

Also wondering why you're asking for a "woman's" advice in the OP. You need to be sounding off with other guys, not women.

You're being manipulated by being lead to feel guilty about not wanting to spend a ton of money on something that will provide temporary satisfaction, and then be forgotten.

Sack up and let her know what the deal is. "I'm NOT spending money on this, it is irresponsible. If and when you start wearing your other jewelry regularly, and I feel like it would be put to good use, I will reconsider. Otherwise you can save and use your money to purchase it." And then shut down any future attempts at guilting you.

Women are emotional creatures, and will look to you to maintain reason and boundaries. Don't be afraid to be strong and stick to your guns. It will probably turn her on.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I have a hard time with understanding buying presents for each other when you're married and share joint finances. What does it matter if she buys you something or you buy her something...it's all coming out of your joint funds, so how is it buying something "for her" when it's also her money, and vice versa? I bought you a car! means nothing when the price is coming out of her funds, too. 

I'm not saying don't buy each other gifts, but since it's both your money, I guess the gift part is the agreement to spend the money on something she/he wants that you wouldn't spend joint funds on otherwise? 

Anyway, most women save the expensive jewelry for special occasions so it doesn't get lost or damaged during every day life. Snagging and breaking a diamond bracelet on a grocery cart while shopping or something is less likely if she only wears it while out at dinner with you.

Go out to places where you both dress up and she'll likely wear the jewelry more often.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

breeze said:


> There's a lot of stuff we have that rarely gets used. I guess she just wanted to option to wear something lovely given the occasion to wear it. Maybe it's a sign she would enjoy going out and doing things together more now that you're both older and probably a little more well off than you used to be etc.


Actually, I'm always the one making plans to go out and see the world. We've been all across the country from Alaska to New York. In addition, I'm always making plans to see comedy shows, something we do quite regularly. We've seen practically every comedian live from Louis Black to Bill Cosby.



breeze said:


> What you do need to do though is sit down with her and say exactly how you feel. You seem to have it all sorted out in your head now so you should be able to make your point clearly enough I would think.


We've had discussions about this ad nausem, and I believe she gets where I'm coming from, but I think her co-workers are in her ear... and regarding jewelry, she started using the street term "bling bling" which irriates me to no end. 



breeze said:


> Edited to add: I bought DH something well over $100 just because it's what I wanted to get him. It's his birthday soon, we hardly ever get stuff we like, always stuff the family needs. It's our one day of the entire year we get to spoil each other. We also have a tight budget, but I make it fit because I want to.


How about an $800+ something that won't be used?  Let's say you spend that amount for something he constantly asked for, then he never uses it or even looks at it. How would that make you feel?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Female perspective: Say you love golf but haven't had much opportunity to play lately. You start thinking that maybe a new driver would be nice and even if you don't use it very often, it will still be nice to have in your bag.
> 
> Now, wife knows you hardly ever play. So, for your birthday you unwrap a nice, shiny, new toilet plunger because she knows you''ll definitely use this and besides, she's saving money for the move. Happy birthday!


Did you just compare the gifts he gave her to a toilet plunger? Really?? 

I think that's way far off the reality scale.

She doesn't wear the jewelry she has, and money is tight...I wouldn't buy it either. 

Material world.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> You need to change this mindset of it being a waste...you're minimizing her feelings.


...and by asking for something so expensive, knowing what I already had to purchase, she's minimizing the importance of our finances. 

I think I'm just too logical for my own good.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> I think I'm just too logical for my own good.



I've got an idea for your next cosplay but it's been done before


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

COguy said:


> If you try to buy a woman's happiness, you'll end up broke with an unhappy woman.
> 
> Also wondering why you're asking for a "woman's" advice in the OP. You need to be sounding off with other guys, not women.
> 
> ...


Thanks! I wanted a female's perspective regarding this matter because honestly, I just don't get it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

COguy said:


> If you try to buy a woman's happiness, you'll end up broke with an unhappy woman.
> 
> Also wondering why you're asking for a "woman's" advice in the OP. You need to be sounding off with other guys, not women.
> 
> ...


I would tend to agree with this. Tell her to start wearing jewelry more so you feel better about buying it. I wouldn't buy something expensive I never saw getting used either. 

Course Nora is correct and in order for her to wear these things you need to make sure you are providing that opportunity. Can't wear the good stuff to wal mart to shop right?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No, I didn't compare his gifts to a toilet plunger (I don't even know what he bought her besides balloons & flowers). It was a hypothetical setting. Toilet plunger vs golf club.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Thing is, this is entirely new. She's never acted like this before. I think it's her friends... and her friends have lying, cheating, sexual assaulting husbands, so I'm a gem compared to those losers.


And clearly her "friends" are now effecting her life AND yours.

Thus, they shouldn't be her friends/not healthy to be around women like that. Just a matter of time before their **** spills onto your wife/you.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Did you just compare the gifts he gave her to a toilet plunger? Really??
> 
> I think that's way far off the reality scale.
> 
> ...


That's the emotional side that I was looking for, and the reason I posted this in the relationship forum and not the guys section.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Hmm... Never thought of that. I figured that most diamond distributors (Fred & Meyers, Zales, Shane Co., etc.) were on the level.


I believe the are. We use a store that the owner still runs after 30 years in the business. Always on the up and up.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Course Nora is correct and in order for her to wear these things you need to make sure you are providing that opportunity. Can't wear the good stuff to wal mart to shop right?


:iagree:


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If the value of your marriage is based on the value of the gifts you give/receive, then there are deeper issues at play here...


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I would tend to agree with this. Tell her to start wearing jewelry more so you feel better about buying it. I wouldn't buy something expensive I never saw getting used either.
> 
> Course Nora is correct and in order for her to wear these things you need to make sure you are providing that opportunity. Can't wear the good stuff to wal mart to shop right?


We take regular vacations, and I make date nights for us as often as possible. I think a few friends are upset (or jealous) because we seemingly take so many trips and post photos on Facebook. We went to San Francisco the last two weeks to see comedy shows. It was the perfect opportunity for her to wear the jewelry, yet she didn't... and I didn't bring it up because I didn't want to argue about it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dormant said:


> If the value of your marriage is based on the value of the gifts you give/receive, then there are deeper issues at play here...


I do not believe this is the case.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

But she WILL use it! She will think about how much you love her every time she sees it. And why not make mention of the $400 jacket you want? Besides, there are other options that would be very similar in make, and probably less in cost......unless it is a custom item (which most are not.)

I am kinda like your W as far as putting my nice jewelry away and not wearing it often. I don't want to lose it, break it, or seem presumptuous to be wearing diamonds to the grocery store. But you can bet your bottom dollar I adore the few nice things I own.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems to boil down to 
a. money is tight
b. she isn't showing her appreciation by wearing what you have already purchased for her - thus hurting your feelings
c. she has no right to request expensive gifts because you don't

The only legitimate gripe is a. I have several pieces of diamond jewelry which my husband collaborated on with the jeweler that sit in my jewelry box. My husband understood that just because I didn't wear it often didn't mean it wasn't treasured.

If your wife wasn't interested in looking at the bracelet, it would not be sitting on top of the dresser for easy access. It would be stuffed in a drawer.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

dormant said:


> If the value of your marriage is based on the value of the gifts you give/receive, then there are deeper issues at play here...


It's not based on gifts at all, and this want for jewelry came out of the blue, so I think it's from her friends. 

Like I said, if she actually wore the jewelry she had, I wouldn't mind buying it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> ...and by asking for something so expensive, knowing what I already had to purchase, she's minimizing the importance of our finances.
> 
> I think I'm just too logical for my own good.


This is getting somewhere. It's not up to you to assign value to what she wants for her. That's up to her.

Having the conversation about the financial strain of such a large gift should not include your feelings of it being useless...the focus should then be on how an $800 gift expenditure, regardless of what it is for is just not in the budget. If you are going to apply your criteria of usefullness to something she wants, why not just say the $1000 refrigerator was her gift...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

coupdegrace said:


> How about an $800+ something that won't be used?  Let's say you spend that amount for something he constantly asked for, then he never uses it or even looks at it. How would that make you feel?


Well, I did let him spend (not a present) that on a bike he was going to 'do up' (hobby bike he called it) that never gets used and sits there rusting into a pile of scrap, lol. I've put my foot down about getting another bike (he wants one that actually works) though, so I guess I've hit my point of 'no more money will be wasted' too.

Now that I think about it you could say I bought him diamonds for his birthday and he'll NEVER wear them! :rofl: He was constantly complaining about food sticking to the frypans (he always makes himself a full protein filled breakfast everyday), so I bought him a frypan with diamonds in the base that no one else will be allowed to use, it will be *his*. My sister cracked up when I told her I bought my husband a frypan for his birthday. Honestly, it's really not like that, lol.

I think your wife will come around eventually. Maybe it'll just take a little time for it all to sink in. If it gets worse instead of better over time, that's when you probably need to start worrying. Maybe there really is such a thing as a 'mid-life' crisis. I've seen enough spouses around here complaining their partner became extremely materialistic as they got older and there's been enough references around to a middle aged man going out and buying a sports car in movies/shows/literature etc that maybe there is something behind it.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> But she WILL use it! She will think about how much you love her every time she sees it. And why not make mention of the $400 jacket you want? Besides, there are other options that would be very similar in make, and probably less in cost......unless it is a custom item (which most are not.)
> 
> I am kinda like your W as far as putting my nice jewelry away and not wearing it often. I don't want to lose it, break it, or seem presumptuous to be wearing diamonds to the grocery store. But you can bet your bottom dollar I adore the few nice things I own.


I wear my wedding ring every other day. Why not every day? My ring has diamonds in it, and on a couple of occassions, one of the diamonds fell out at work. She says that's the reason for her not wearing her ring, but she never wore it before that, or any of the other jewelry I bought for her. After all, you can't snag your ear on something to pull out an earring.

I won't mention the leather jacket to her because I don't want to put that type of pressure on her. Considering everything we already pay for, I think it's unfair and selfish of me to do so.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> I wear my wedding ring every other day. Why not every day? My ring has diamonds in it, and on a couple of occassions, one of the diamonds fell out at work. She says that's the reason for her not wearing her ring, but she never wore it before that, or any of the other jewelry I bought for her. After all, you can't snag your ear on something to pull out an earring.
> 
> *I won't mention the leather jacket to her because I don't want to put that type of pressure on her. Considering everything we already pay for, I think it's unfair and selfish of me to do so.*


And that's all on you, but you can't use that to try and project onto her.

My wife has a few pieces of really good jewelry, yet the only things she wears, and rarely at that, are some cheap little beaded bracelet things, and a jade necklace my sister made for her.

The good stuff sits unused in a box in her top dresser drawer. I always wondered if it had been forgotten, but there have been a couple of times I have walked into the closet and saw her looking at it, and there was one time she and my step daughter and a couple of my step daughters friends were sitting on the bed with it all spread out looking at it...so yeah, they get used, just not in the way I had originally envisioned.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This is getting somewhere. It's not up to you to assign value to what she wants for her. That's up to her.
> 
> Having the conversation about the financial strain of such a large gift should not include your feelings of it being useless...the focus should then be on how an $800 gift expenditure, regardless of what it is for is just not in the budget. If you are going to apply your criteria of usefullness to something she wants, why not just say the $1000 refrigerator was her gift...


Because that would be a jerk move. Are you saying that I'm a jerk? Are you trying to be funny?

For the record, I never told her that the jewelry was useless, but that's how I feel about it, especially since she doesn't wear the other jewelry she has when we go out, which is often.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And that's all on you, but you can't use that to try and project onto her.
> 
> My wife has a few pieces of really good jewelry, yet the only things she wears, and rarely at that, are some cheap little beaded bracelet things, and a jade necklace my sister made for her.
> 
> The good stuff sits unused in a box in her top dresser drawer. I always wondered if it had been forgotten, but there have been a couple of times I have walked into the closet and saw her looking at it, and there was one time she and my step daughter and a couple of my step daughters friends were sitting on the bed with it all spread out looking at it...so yeah, they get used, just not in the way I had originally envisioned.


You're right about that. I kind of expect her to be practical and logical like me.

I think my problem is that I just don't get it, especially since this is new. If she had always wanted jewelry and collected it since before we met, it would make complete sense, but for it to come out of left field just seems odd to me.

...and that story you recited reminds me of my Mom, who has a box of jewelry that she never uses or looks at. It just sits in a treasure box, but most of that is family heirloom stuff.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are still concentrating on the usefulness of the gift.....while ignoring the real issue at hand.

Figure out why your wife is acting spoiled and not appreciative of the gift.

Even bigger issue is the people she is around, clearly they are ****ed up and your wife shouldn't be around such people as they WILL be an influence on her in time (seems like they already are).

I always recommend to stay FAR AND CLEAR of people that have toxic/unhealthy marriages or are not friends of your marriage. 

Those are the biggest threats to your marriage. Don't ask how I know....


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

My wife LOVES fine jewelry. She hates when i buy her "small" pieces. I've had my head handed to me for buying her those. And i took that head and slammed her with it... spoiled brat.

Then i bought her an expensive watch for her birthday. Seemed it wasn't "expensive" enough. That got it ripped out of her hands and returned... and i spent the refund on ME!

Now i don't buy her jewelry. I will however shell out the $10 for a piece of junk SHE finds nice from the street cart vendor.
:smthumbup:

sometimes ya just can't win.
and sometimes ya do!:lol:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> Because that would be a jerk move. Are you saying that I'm a jerk? Are you trying to be funny?
> 
> For the record, I never told her that the jewelry was useless, but that's how I feel about it, especially since she doesn't wear the other jewelry she has when we go out, which is often.


Not at all. I don't think you're a jerk, but I do think you are placing too much emphasis on practicality and usefulness. That is fine for joint household purchases, but it's not fair to her to assign your own criteria beyond what will directly affect the household to a gift for HER.

I think it's fine to talk about budgetary concerns, and to take that into consideration as it affects the entire household, but the fact that she doesn't wear it shouldn't be your consideration as it doesn't affect anyone...that is akin to saying that you will get her the gift you want for her rather than the one she wants, when in the end, it's a gift for her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her new found interest may be due to her age and where she is in her life now. Bling bling is a common (if distasteful) term.

My interest in polishing my toenails didn't develop 'til my later years. Always thought it was tacky. Now, I wouldn't be caught dead without pretty polish on them. One just never knows where their interests and tastes will lead them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> You're right about that. I kind of expect her to be practical and logical like me.
> 
> I think my problem is that I just don't get it, especially since this is new. If she had always wanted jewelry and collected it since before we met, it would make complete sense, but for it to come out of left field just seems odd to me.
> 
> ...and that story you recited reminds me of my Mom, who has a box of jewelry that she never uses or looks at. It just sits in a treasure box, but most of that is family heirloom stuff.


My wife has a large collection of porcelain dolls that she started way before we met. I wasn't there for it, but at some point in time she didn't have any, and then all of a sudden she did. There's always a beginning to every collection.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Her new found interest may be due to her age and where she is in her life now. Bling bling is a common (if distasteful) term.
> 
> My interest in polishing my toenails didn't develop 'til my later years. Always thought it was tacky. Now, I wouldn't be caught dead without pretty polish on them. One just never knows where their interests and tastes will lead them.


My wife is the same! It wasn't until the past year or so that she liked doing anything with her toe nails. Part of it may be motivated by the fact that I love painting them for her, and making designs on them, and she enjoys the attention


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> coupdegrace, some women are conditioned to believe that it's the husband's place to buy his wife jewelry. Some women (not I, lol) don't feel comfortable buying themselves jewelry.
> 
> Gifts may be one of your wife's love languages. You've been married x # of years. How many pieces of expensive jewelry have you purchased for her? Is one piece per year too many in your estimation? How much is too much for you to spend on a gift for her?
> 
> The language of touch may be one of your love languages. Just imagine if your wife was as logical and stingy in her affection with you. You'd be screaming in the sex in marriage forum that you're only getting it once a year.



My W receives a item of jewelry every Christmas. She does not wear them all the time. It does not bother me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> One thing that I've been struggling with is that his came on the heels of me having to buy 4 new tires for my truck $600, a refrigerator $1000, a dishwasher $400 and registration and smog checks for 2 vehicles. In addition, I will have to buy a garage door opener that's breaking down... and after all of this, she wants me to waste money on something she won't use. The practical and logical part of my brain is overriding everything else.
> 
> If it was a small trinket, I could possibly live with that, but an expensive diamond piece is too much, and I can't believe that she would put me in the position of being a heel in the relationship.


Tires..awesome! Washer and refrigerator....awesome. Dishwasher...get out of town!!! These are common household items. Honestly sir, you should have added pots and pans to the mix!

These items are not gifts. But hey, your not alone. I tried that ploy once. Appliances and junk. It does not work.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> My wife is the same! It wasn't until the past year or so that she liked doing anything with her toe nails. Part of it may be motivated by the fact that I love painting them for her, and making designs on them, and she enjoys the attention


Great idea, thanks!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Tires..awesome! Washer and refrigerator....awesome. Dishwasher...get out of town!!! These are common household items. Honestly sir, you should have added pots and pans to the mix!
> 
> These items are not gifts. But hey, your not alone. I tried that ploy once. Appliances and junk. It does not work.


Ok but at the end of the day it comes down to "can I afford it or not" or "is it within the budget"

No to either one = nothing to talk about/done/get over it


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> One of the reasonings she gave me to try and justify this was, "What if we need the money later down the road. This will appreciate in value, and we could sell it for a greater return." That line of thinking boggled my mind. I replied with, "Why don't I just open a CD account for you then? At least I know you'll use that at some point."


That thinking is incorrect. Ordinary jewelry is not the same as investment grade. When you sell jewelry to the usual sources that buy jewelry you get a fraction of what it's worth. She would be waiting decades before hers appreciated enough to make that statement even close to true. 

I know that because I sold all of my jewelry last year after my divorce. A lot of money went into purchasing it over the years because my husband enjoyed buying it (like your wife, I didn't often wear it). Did I get a lot of money for it? Hardly. And most of it was bought back by the high-end jewelry stores it came from. 

That's an excuse used by some women to convince their husbands to buy jewelry.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Agreed on going over finances. And also agreed on that being the only concern you should have. Gifts are just that......gifts. My "MIL" bought me a VERY nice purse and I adore it (and her.) I'm not a purse person and have used it maybe twice. But I have it and love it and wouldn't give that gift up for all the tea in China. 

Women don't always make sense to dudes, and that is ok. Besides, if your W were EXACTLY like you, wouldn't that be boring?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Thing is, she never wanted jewelry until last year. Can you see where I'm coming from? There was no singular event that occured that I know of that warranted this compulsion... and $800+ is a great deal of money to spend for a smile and something that will never be touched.
> 
> If she actually wore jewelry, I wouldn't mind buying it, but after her not wearing her wedding ring, the diamond earrings that I bought for her years ago (without her asking) and now this diamond bracelet last year, it feels like a complete waste to buy this.


Well, my W did not want a pool unit she married me. 20 years later...she got a pool. Nice one. In ground. Top of the line pump. Probably won't be a selling point for this home in the future. But I have found you really can't take it with you. She really has not swam much in it this season. It being the first season with it. 

For me...the pool was a COMPLETE waste to buy. BECAUSE it was not for me!!!! Once I got past that mentality making it happen for her was easy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> Ok but at the end of the day it comes down to "can I afford it or not" or "is it within the budget"
> 
> No to either one = nothing to talk about/done/get over it


And to this I agree. 

Did the OP explain this to W?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

DoF said:


> Ok but at the end of the day it comes down to "can I afford it or not" or "is it within the budget"
> 
> No to either one = nothing to talk about/done/get over it


This I can get behind.

Assigning value to someone else's desire for a gift...that''s not my place.

"Honey, we just can't afford it." is reasonable if in fact you can't afford it.

"Honey, you'll never wear it, and you've never wanted it before. Besides, what use are you going to get out of it? I don't understand that, so I'm not going to get it for you until you can answer to my satisfaction." is a jerk move.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> This I can get behind.
> 
> Assigning value to someone else's desire for a gift...that''s not my place.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

I'm going to out myself as a so-called spoiled princess. 

I've recently started asking my husband for jewelry. My friends' husbands usually buy them a piece for birthdays and Mother's Day whereas I get...nothing but household items (crockpot anyone?) or a shopping trip a day later. He hands me a credit card and tells me to pick what I want. 

It didn't really bother me until maybe the last year. I was happy with a card. I'd love for him to pick something out JUST FOR ME. Everyone else in the house can use my iPad or even my body wash (lol) but my jewelry is MINE. 

I even had the GALL to request 2 push presents, one for each twin. I've never done that before! To date, I haven't gotten them but...maybe some day. 

Maybe it is irrational but I like knowing he chose something just for me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> This I can get behind.
> 
> Assigning value to someone else's desire for a gift...that''s not my place.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

But complaining about gift > even bigger jerk move


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

AnnieAsh said:


> Maybe it is irrational but I like knowing he chose something just for me.


Not at all. My W is the same.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

AnnieAsh said:


> I'm going to out myself as a so-called spoiled princess.
> 
> I've recently started asking my husband for jewelry. My friends' husbands usually buy them a piece for birthdays and Mother's Day whereas I get...nothing but household items (crockpot anyone?) or a shopping trip a day later. He hands me a credit card and tells me to pick what I want.


Why is it so important to you, for your husband to live up to your "friends husbands" expectations?

Seriously

If anything you should be happy he is not following the herd.....



AnnieAsh said:


> It didn't really bother me until maybe the last year. I was happy with a card. I'd love for him to pick something out JUST FOR ME. Everyone else in the house can use my iPad or even my body wash (lol) but my jewelry is MINE.
> 
> I even had the GALL to request 2 push presents, one for each twin. I've never done that before! To date, I haven't gotten them but...maybe some day.
> 
> Maybe it is irrational but I like knowing he chose something just for me.


You should tell him how you feel. This way he knows.



But I will tell you that if my wife was to ask me to live up to her friend's husbands expectations.....I would most likely laugh in her face and tell her to marry them.

That's pretty low IMO. 

What's next? Kim got a million dollar ring so you MUST be like Kanye?

Come on now

Personally, I hate gifts or even birthdays. They are worthless.

What I do value is a GIFT and TIME INVESTEMENT from my loved ones I get on regular basis/daily......not on some one worthless day that means NOTHING.

But that's just me.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> I even had the GALL to request 2 push presents, one for each twin. I've never done that before! To date, I haven't gotten them but...maybe some day.


OMG there's push presents?
Why the heck wasn't I ever informed about this


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

*Re: Re: Wife upset because I refused to buy her jewelry*



coupdegrace said:


> We take regular vacations, and I make date nights for us as often as possible. I think a few friends are upset (or jealous) because we seemingly take so many trips and post photos on Facebook. We went to San Francisco the last two weeks to see comedy shows. It was the perfect opportunity for her to wear the jewelry, yet she didn't... and I didn't bring it up because I didn't want to argue about it.


Why not ask her to wear it?... 

Or perhaps pick out something among her jewelry, bring it to her and say you'd like her to wear it (pick something that matches her outfit), for whatever reason. I.e. It makes you feel good for her to wear it, it adds to her sexiness, you like how the necklace looks on her clevage etc. Pretty much whatever sincere compliment as to why you'd like her to wear it. 

She may not be wearing the jewelry for a number of reasons like it was too dressy for what she was wearing or not the right style, clashed with her outfit. I can understand why she wouldn't wear her wedding ring, especially if it was so expensive, for the normal day stuff. Household cleaners or anything that could cause scratches is a no go. 

Personally, I don't see whats wrong with letting her know that it would be hard to get since you did pay for house upkeep but perhaps get her a different(more afforable) piece of jewelry for now. That seems like a crompromise to me.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

I guess the person who worked hard in making the income has more value for it than other partner.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> I'm going to out myself as a so-called spoiled princess.
> 
> I've recently started asking my husband for jewelry. My friends' husbands usually buy them a piece for birthdays and Mother's Day whereas I get...nothing but household items (crockpot anyone?) or a shopping trip a day later. He hands me a credit card and tells me to pick what I want.
> 
> ...


You lost me with this one...I think push presents are the absolute epitome of princessification.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

DoF said:


> :iagree:
> 
> But complaining about gift > even bigger jerk move


Not at all...when she EXPLICITLY told him what she wanted, yet he didn't listen and thought he knew better what was more practical and useful according to his own standards.

Now the jerk move would be him giving her exactly what she asked for and her saying she changed her mind and wanted something different, and getting pissy with him about that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> OMG there's push presents?
> Why the heck wasn't I ever informed about this


Where's my "I had to live with her for nine months of pregnancy" present?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> Why is it so important to you, for your husband to live up to your "friends husbands" expectations?
> 
> Seriously
> 
> ...


Nope not living up to friends' expectations. It signals THINKING of me, considering me, planning for me. He very rarely plans anything for me. Parties, dinners, dates, surprises. I do all that for him. He likes intimate dinner parties with friends. So I plan those. He wants a date night away from the brood? I call his parents and have them watch the kids, newborn twins included. 

Your love language is different than mine. That doesn't make mine wrong. 

He does know NOW. I struggled with for awhile before I could vocalize it. In the end, it might not even be about the jewelry. It's about whether he knows what she likes and enjoys. It might be that she feels like she is worth her weight in gold to him. Literally!


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

*Re: Re: Wife upset because I refused to buy her jewelry*



samyeagar said:


> Not at all...when she EXPLICITLY told him what she wanted, yet he didn't listen and thought he knew better what was more practical and useful according to his own standards.
> 
> Now the jerk move would be him giving her exactly what she asked for and her saying she changed her mind and wanted something different, and getting pissy with him about that.


I'm no princess nor do I get upset when my husband says we can't afford something at that moment. But I would feel upset if I asked for something, without him discussing that we couldn't make that swing money wise, thinking I'd be getting what I asked for and anticipating it... Then opening it and finding he got me a pair of socks because it's more practical. It would be hard not to feel a teeny bit disappointed. Sure, I'd be grateful for those socks and how they'll keep my toes warm but I'll still be thinking about the item I really wanted. 

Honestly, just because you don't ask for expensive gifts when you want them shouldn't mean that she shouldn't either. Why not get that leather jacket?? Treat yourself once in awhile, or let her get you something nice occasionally so it doesn't feel one sided. It sounds like you have some resentment about this.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> OMG there's push presents?
> Why the heck wasn't I ever informed about this


I never got one before! But this pregnancy was DEFINITELY what my husband wanted. I figured my ambivalence about having another child was outweighed by his intense desire for one. He asked me for another baby. 

Then...we find out we are having twins. And after the gestational diabetes, the pelvis separating, the endless blood tests, hospital visits, high blood pressure, intense vomiting, weight loss from the severe morning sickness...I figured I was entitled to a pretty purse and a wedding ring (I don't have one yet!) :rofl:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

AnnieAsh said:


> I'm going to out myself as a so-called spoiled princess.
> 
> I've recently started asking my husband for jewelry. My friends' husbands usually buy them a piece for birthdays and Mother's Day whereas I get...nothing but household items (crockpot anyone?) or a shopping trip a day later. He hands me a credit card and tells me to pick what I want.
> 
> ...


As much as I've enjoyed Blondilock's comments on this Annie hit on the point that is bothering me. To me giving jewelry is about exactly this making it a personal gift by choosing it. The time is more important than the $ value. I got a reminder on this when I bought a watch for my wife's B-day. I had her shop with me 2 times. finally she said something to the effect, "O K now you know what I like to wear you need to make the final choice". Coupdegrac's wife is not doing this. What she is doing is shopping for her own gift. Then asking him to pick it up. That is not gift buying it's errand running. 

Some other thoughts on jewelry. At some point my mother had a tie tack custom made for my dad gold and rubies in a design she and the artist worked together on. Wonderful personal gift that he used often. It is now buried with him. No one will ever see it again. I'm a bit tossed up about how I feel about the "romance" in this. A few years ago I learned more about the history of diamonds and the diamond trade as it is now, also a bit about how the diamond brokers influenced WWII. At that point I told my wife that I had bought my last diamond. She accepted that, I think she understands. I bought my Wife a second wedding ring a few years back. A gold band with a milled edge and comfort fit. She wears it as her day to day ring. She even wears to drive back and forth to work. (rings not allowed at work). The other day she dropped it out of her pocket. After a day someone found and returned it. During the time it was lost I suggested that we pick up a titanium or tungsten ring for her to wear at these times. So if it was lost it would not be such a sting. She agreed in principle we even picked one out. But, she has not ordered it because she hasn't found out her ring size. I think she really just likes wearing the ring I surprised her with and that is her accustomed ring.
MN


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Where's my "I had to live with her for nine months of pregnancy" present?


That's called daily bjs after I literally couldn't move my legs more than 6 inches apart. My pelvis separated in the second trimester.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Where's my "I had to live with her for nine months of pregnancy" present?


OMG so needs to be one,. It must be tough watching someone gain weight and get fat ankles (even more traumatic for if she had chronic morning sickness) , poor souls 



AnnieAsh said:


> That's called daily bjs after I literally couldn't move my legs more than 6 inches apart. My pelvis separated in the second trimester.


Very true, now where's my push present?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> I never got one before! But this pregnancy was DEFINITELY what my husband wanted. I figured my ambivalence about having another child was outweighed by his intense desire for one. He asked me for another baby.
> 
> Then...we find out we are having twins. And after the gestational diabetes, the pelvis separating, the endless blood tests, hospital visits, high blood pressure, intense vomiting, weight loss from the severe morning sickness...I figured I was entitled to a pretty purse and a wedding ring (I don't have one yet!) :rofl:


Ok...I am still fundamentally opposed to push presents, and will rationalize you deserving one by saying that it wasn't a push present you got, but a "Holy crap that was a rough pregnancy, and by coincidence, I just happened to get you a purse and wedding ring" present


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> OMG so needs to be one,. It must be tough watching someone gain weight and get fat ankles, poor souls
> 
> 
> 
> Very true, now where's my push present?


I "heard" some woman can be pretty difficult during pregnancy also.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Wouldn't know, I was a complete angel :biggrinangelA:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> OMG so needs to be one,. It must be tough watching someone gain weight and get fat ankles (even more traumatic for if she had chronic morning sickness) , poor souls
> 
> 
> 
> Very true, now where's my push present?


When was the last time you had a pregnant wife? Being the pregnant woman, and the husband of a pregnant woman are two completely different experiences and one neither can EVER fully appreciate, so I'm not sure marginalizing men and husbands experiences like this is quite fair


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Ok...I am still fundamentally opposed to push presents, and will rationalize you deserving one by saying that it wasn't a push present you got, but a "Holy crap that was a rough pregnancy, and by coincidence, I just happened to get you a purse and wedding ring" present


I like that! 

I don't know if OP's wife is like me. It's feels like the jewelry is just for me. He noticed that I prefer sterling silver. He thought of me and what I like. Maybe he heard me comment on something I saw. It's so cheesy but it makes me feel like he feels I'm worth the expense and effort.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> When was the last time you had a pregnant wife? Being the pregnant woman, and the husband of a pregnant woman are two completely different experiences and one neither can EVER fully appreciate, so I'm not sure marginalizing men and husbands experiences like this is quite fair


I was around my pregnant mum, does that count?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Push presents are nothing new. I think they evolved after men realized & appreciated just how much work was really involved in delivering *their* child (you mean the woman doesn't just squat & drop?).

My FIL gave his wife a 14K charm with baby's name & birth date each time a child was born. The jeweler had it ready for when she came home from hospital. She had a lovely charm bracelet.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> I like that!
> 
> I don't know if OP's wife is like me. It's feels like the jewelry is just for me. He noticed that I prefer sterling silver. He thought of me and what I like. Maybe he heard me comment on something I saw. It's so cheesy but it makes me feel like he feels I'm worth the expense and effort.


Nothing cheesy about it at all. I have gotten my wife lots of things that for the life of me, I can't comprehend why she wanted them, but you're absolutely right...she's worth the effort and expense, and as I said before, the only thing I need to understand is that the smile on her face is there because of me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> I was around my pregnant mum, does that count?


Nope. Completely different emotional situation being the husband.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Shoot


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Push presents are nothing new. I think they evolved after men realized & appreciated just how much work was really involved in delivering *their* child (you mean the woman doesn't just squat & drop?).
> 
> My FIL gave his wife a 14K charm with baby's name & birth date each time a child was born. The jeweler had it ready for when she came home from hospital. She had a lovely charm bracelet.


By "their", I'm assuming you are meaning it as in "both of theirs."? And not as in it is like a gift she gave to her husband?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> I like that!
> 
> I don't know if OP's wife is like me. It's feels like the jewelry is just for me. He noticed that I prefer sterling silver. He thought of me and what I like. Maybe he heard me comment on something I saw. It's so cheesy but it makes me feel like he feels I'm worth the expense and effort.


:iagree:
I'll never understand the jewelery love and totally understand if there's a budget but a gift should be something the receiver wants IMO, not what you think they should want.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

OP, ASK her. Not in an accusing father to child sort of way but in a curious way. "Why do you want this bauble?" Just don't lecture her and try to intimate/imply that she's some sort of entitled princess.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> By "their", I'm assuming you are meaning it as in "both of theirs."? And not as in it is like a gift she gave to her husband?


Wrong on both counts. The 'their' refers to possessive. 

When men start carrying a baby for 9 months and delivering it then they can feel that a show of appreciation would be nice.

But, now that you mention it, many people do consider their children a gift.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Lila said:


> OP,
> 
> You sound a lot like my husband who for years believed that gifts should be practical things.
> 
> I know this is taking out the emotional part of the gift, but if you can't force yourself to ignore the practicality of the stuff she wants, then next gift, take out the middleman (You). Get her an AMEX gift card for the amount of money you would have spent on an actual gift. Think of it as a "Here you go babe. Now go spend it on something pretty". It may not be the most romantic gift or the most heartfelt one, but at least she can then get whatever she likes instead of what you feel she should have.


First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their input and responses. This discussion has shed a bit of light on our situation, and possibly others on this forum. I wish I could answer everyone's replies, but I'm at work, and shouldn't even be perusing this site. 

Lila, a gift doesn't have to be practical at all, but from the heart, however judging by some of the responses, a higher price tag = a better gift, or maybe I'm misreading that. Regarding the gift card idea, personally, I think that's a lazy gesture, and lacks any type of forethought. That's great for a man, but not a woman.

Throughout the year, I get my wife a lot of small "just because" gifts; there doesn't always have to be an occasion or a Hallmark holiday to do something for your significant other, but life teaches us otherwise. If I see something Hello Kitty, I pick it up for her because I know she likes that stuff. I think she's trying to 'keep up with the Joneses'' because her friends might be getting these types of gifts... and they're usually apologetic gifts because they're cheating scum.

At any rate, last year, I got my wife the newest iPhone for Christmas, and the latest iPad before that. Those things certainly aren't practical at all or cheap, in fact, sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten her either because she spends so much time with her nose buried in those damn devices; we can't watch a movie together at home without her taking out her iPhone. 

Anyway, the impracticality part of this is, we are planning to move soon. This venture will be plenty expensive, and we both made a joint financial decision to save money in anticipation thereof, and on the heels of making this decision, she decides that she wants "bling bling." Excluding my thoughts on the matter, you can't save money if you're spending it on "bling" and you can't have both. So, you can't get upset at a decision we both made just because you decided to get emotional and change your mind.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Tires..awesome! Washer and refrigerator....awesome. Dishwasher...get out of town!!! These are common household items. Honestly sir, you should have added pots and pans to the mix!
> 
> These items are not gifts. But hey, your not alone. I tried that ploy once. Appliances and junk. It does not work.


I never said they were gifts or substitutes for gifts. I was simply providing a bit of financial perspective on the situation.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

TiggyBlue said:


> :iagree:
> I'll never understand the jewelery love and totally understand if there's a budget but a gift should be something the receiver wants IMO, not what you think they should want.


I dunno I mean I agree with you a gift is about the recipient and not the giver. But it seems weird that she want this jewelry, gets it, has opportunity to wear it but doesn't. 

Gifts to me don't always need to be practical but one way you show appreciation for a gift is by using it.



I feel similar to flowers. To me a totally stupid gift of something that lasts a week then dies. But when he Gf gets them you would think I roped the moon. The non stop thank you, Facebook posts, and my favorite that she looks at them every morning and smiles. I still think its impractical but for the smile worth it. If she got them and never looked at them again till she threw them away I would probably not get them again.


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Female perspective: Say you love golf but haven't had much opportunity to play lately. You start thinking that maybe a new driver would be nice and even if you don't use it very often, it will still be nice to have in your bag.
> 
> Now, wife knows you hardly ever play. So, for your birthday you unwrap a nice, shiny, new toilet plunger because she knows you''ll definitely use this and besides, she's saving money for the move. Happy birthday!


I get it's a female perspective you're offering, Blondi, but I doubt he got her a plunger for the birthday. 

Another female perspective: hell, I'd be STOKED to save money for a big move! I'd say to sh!t with gifts; let's snag dinner and save toward that huge happy goal. I mean, seriously. What's she going to do with a pendant she hardly/never wears if they can't get a place sooner? I'm with the second guy who suggested pouting when you don't get something, or being more direct: "look, darling. I see you're acting out so I can notice. I've noticed, and I'm disappointed. I surmise this is because I didn't get you the *shiny rock dangly thing* you wanted for your birthday. If you are no longer interested in our shared goal of a house, go out and get the pendant." 

I haven't read the other posts yet, but this is one female vote for the "that's f****** ridiculous...grow up" category. She should be grateful you're holding her accountable and saving. Buying a house takes time and money and effort...and is definitely NOT accomplished by purchasing flashy superfluous child-mined minerals, or whatever they are


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I had exactly the same situation, I bought expensive jewelry and she either never wore it, or even lost it!

Well, it took me a while (I can be dense) but I don't do that anymore. If I feel the urge to buy her something, it is cheap stuff. Costume jewelry, $120 watch off of overstock.com, etc. 

And you know what, she is happy as a clam with it. One of her favorite is a brooch that is a repro of the Hope Diamond from the Smithsonian museum store. IT looks nice, but is obviously fake. She don't care, and if she looses any of it, I could not care less either now. 

Some of these arguments/disagreements have very simple solutions.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Not at all...when she EXPLICITLY told him what she wanted, yet he didn't listen and thought he knew better what was more practical and useful according to his own standards..


Her "explicit" communication is over the budget and too expensive.

Also, when you ask someone for something......that's not really a gift now, is it?



samyeagar said:


> Now the jerk move would be him giving her exactly what she asked for and her saying she changed her mind and wanted something different, and getting pissy with him about that.


Sorry, but anyone that doesn't appreciate ANY gift from ANYONE is spoiled and a jerk........and deserves NOTHING!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hmmm.... OP. My gut is telling me your wife is questioning your commitment to her. Its just the jewelry that is becoming the litmus test. I would look closer at her phone and ipad. If she is buried in them its because she is not valuing time with you and if that is the case, who is she valuing time with? You may have a bigger problem on your hands that just jewelry. 

Also... if you said this to her...

Honey, we just can't afford it....

What would her response be?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

DoF said:


> Her "explicit" communication is over the budget and too expensive.
> 
> *Also, when you ask someone for something......that's not really a gift now, is it?*
> 
> ...


This goes hand in hand with the question of...if I have to ask for it, it doesn't mean as much...a mindset I completely disagree with. That is essentially expecting someone to be a mind reader.

Along these lines, my wife and I are very different. I don't ask for anything. I do it or get it myself. If I'm sitting on the couch and want something to drink, I get up and get it myself, even if she's already up. She on the other hand has no problems asking me to get her something to drink. There are times where I feel like asking her if her legs are broken and telling her to get it herself, and there have been times I've done just that  

She never throws a fit if I say no, and is always appreciative when I do, and I know she would do anything I asked, but I just can't bring myself to ask...I do remind myself that there is nothing wrong with her asking for what she wants, just as there is nothing wrong with me NOT asking, and it's not fair to her for me to expect her to read my mind for my wants, nor is it fair to her for me to be resentful because she asks for what she wants and I don't.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> This goes hand in hand with the question of...if I have to ask for it, it doesn't mean as much...a mindset I completely disagree with. That is essentially expecting someone to be a mind reader.


Why do you have to make it so complicated.

It has nothing to do with expecting someone to be a mind reader.

This crap is kids stuff. When you are an adult, you accept and be thankful for WHATEVER gift you get.

Forget about mind reading.......or demanding gifts........we are talking adults, not children.

Be thankful there is someone in this world that gives enough **** about you to get you a gift.

ANY unappreciative behavior or "being upset" for ANY gift is childish, spoiled, selfish amongst many other words I can come up with.

Again, birthday is just a made up day to make someone feel "special", it's complete BS. And although I still value it when it comes to my wife/kids and follow "trends"........the best gift I get from my loved ones is on DAILY BASIS, each and every day.

Give me another day with my wife and kids out at the park having fun.......and there is no gift that will ever top that.

Sure, I've given my wife gifts she asked for, and there has been times that I didn't either. Each and every time she said "thank you" and appreciated it regardless. If she was to act like OP's wife......that would really give me sour taste in my mouth about the kind of person she is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Hmmm.... OP. My gut is telling me your wife is questioning your commitment to her. Its just the jewelry that is becoming the litmus test. I would look closer at her phone and ipad. If she is buried in them its because she is not valuing time with you and if that is the case, who is she valuing time with? You may have a bigger problem on your hands that just jewelry.
> 
> Also... if you said this to her...
> 
> ...


I was just going to say this. She is testing whether you 'love' her enough to sacrifice big money for her. IMO, it's time to have a conversation in front of a counselor about this need of hers.

I know a young woman who has severe self-hate and she keeps demanding her husband take her to B&Bs and buy her $75 steaks and long trips and buy her expensive stuff...when they can't even afford it. He does it because he's a doormat and if he doesn't, she makes his life miserable. The problem is that she's thrilled while he's doing it - for about half a day. And then she's back to moaning about everything under the sun. I've tried to tell her money won't fix her self-hate, only she can do that, well, her and therapy. 

It's possible that's your wife's problem?

Or, she could just be a spoiled brat.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

DoF said:


> Why do you have to make it so complicated.
> 
> It has nothing to do with expecting someone to be a mind reader.
> 
> ...


One can be thankful and appreciative and disappointed at the same time.

Ungrateful and spoiled to me would look like her...not saying thank you, continuing to complain about not getting what she wanted, throwing it back in your face, guilt tripping, silent treatment, cold shoulder, snarky remarks, bad mouthing to others...that kind of behavior, I wouldn't tolerate.

I have no problems with my wife telling me what she wants for her birthday or christmas or any of that. I try my damnedest to get exactly what she wants, and I usually get something else unexpected that I think she'd like too, and all my bases are covered 

I think part of it for us is the fact that I KNOW she wouldn't behave in a spoiled and ungrateful way, because there have been times I have not gotten her what she asked for, and she was very gracious, but I also know she was disappointed.

She is very budget conscious, practical and rational which makes things a whole lot easier.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Hmmm.... OP. My gut is telling me your wife is questioning your commitment to her. Its just the jewelry that is becoming the litmus test. I would look closer at her phone and ipad. If she is buried in them its because she is not valuing time with you and if that is the case, who is she valuing time with? You may have a bigger problem on your hands that just jewelry.
> 
> Also... if you said this to her...
> 
> ...


I don't see how a commitment equates to jewelry, especially since she's never owned or worn it before, and rarely wears her princess cut diamond wedding ring. I mean really, I ask for sex all the time and NEVER get the frequency that I desire, but I don't use that, or things she does or doesn't buy for me as a measuring stick for how she feels about me. That's a childish line of thinking.

I don't know what the deal is, to be honest. It could be that she just turned 40, and is freaking out about her biological clock ticking, but that has nothing to do with wanting jewelry all of a sudden; turning 40 seems to be a big deal to her, whereas when I turned 40, I felt nothing at all. 

My wife is Asian, so whenever I take a gander at what she's doing on the devices, it's usually watching some Asian movie with subtitles or playing Candy Crush Saga. I haven't seen anything else.

To answer your question, if I told her that we couldn't afford something, she knows that we can. I recently got a new job that pays a bit more, so we're not struggling as mightily, but because of our monstrous commute, we want to move closer to our jobs, which will be an extremely expensive undertaking. If you know anything about Califonia, you know that it's the most expensive state in the USA to live in. This is why we both made a decision to save money.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> I was just going to say this. She is testing whether you 'love' her enough to sacrifice big money for her. IMO, it's time to have a conversation in front of a counselor about this need of hers.
> 
> I know a young woman who has severe self-hate and she keeps demanding her husband take her to B&Bs and buy her $75 steaks and long trips and buy her expensive stuff...when they can't even afford it. He does it because he's a doormat and if he doesn't, she makes his life miserable. The problem is that she's thrilled while he's doing it - for about half a day. And then she's back to moaning about everything under the sun. I've tried to tell her money won't fix her self-hate, only she can do that, well, her and therapy.
> 
> ...


She's not spoiled, well, maybe she is. Up to this point, I've pretty much gotten her everything she's ever wanted, and expensive things she didn't ask for.

She doesn't have any self-hate or esteem issues, but kind of feels less-than-a-woman because we can't have children. We've had two miscarriages in addition to a slew of major health issues, so she mopes around about that sometimes, but one thing has nothing to do with the other. I think I wanted children more than her, but I never whimsically decided that I wanted a 70" big screen TV or a Porche as a surrogate.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> It could be that she just turned 40, and is freaking out about her biological clock ticking, but that has nothing to do with wanting jewelry all of a sudden; turning 40 seems to be a big deal to her, whereas when I turned 40, I felt nothing at all.


If she is of the mindset that jewelry is part of the legacy you're remembered by after you are dead and gone, it could possibly be connected to growing older.

That's my wife and her family to a tee. Her Great Aunt Ilsa died childless and everybody today remembers her by her brooch....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

coupdegrace said:


> She's not spoiled, well, maybe she is. Up to this point, I've pretty much gotten her everything she's ever wanted, and expensive things she didn't ask for.


Was she the 'special' child in her family? Did she get away with things others didn't? Did they buy her affection? Could be lots of reasons she feels that way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're obviously feeling guilty about your decision or you wouldn't have started this thread. Has your guilt been assuaged?

You can always wait 'til next year and see if she still expresses an interest in a diamond pendant. If so, I suggest you spend more than a piddly $800 because $800 will get diamonds which used to be classified as commercial grade but now can be passed off as I3 and, if a solitaire, no bigger than 1/4ct.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> I don't see how a commitment equates to jewelry, especially since she's never owned or worn it before, and rarely wears her princess cut diamond wedding ring. I mean really, I ask for sex all the time and NEVER get the frequency that I desire, but I don't use that, or things she does or doesn't buy for me as a measuring stick for how she feels about me. That's a childish line of thinking.
> 
> I don't know what the deal is, to be honest. It could be that she just turned 40, and is freaking out about her biological clock ticking, but that has nothing to do with wanting jewelry all of a sudden; turning 40 seems to be a big deal to her, whereas when I turned 40, I felt nothing at all.
> 
> ...


Your wife isnt you.... if you keep comparing her to yourself, I think you might miss "hearing" what she is really saying. Have you sat down and asked her "why all of a sudden the interest in jewelry"....


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> Was she the 'special' child in her family? Did she get away with things others didn't? Did they buy her affection? Could be lots of reasons she feels that way.


Not at all, in fact, she was the only girl in the family, so her parents were unfairly harder on her than her two brothers.

She hangs around her family a good deal of the time, which I think is a problem. Her two brothers have two children each, which has got to be eating at her... and then they inadvertantly make snide, thoughtless remarks about her not being able to have children. Hell, it eats at me because both of those guys are irresponsible and don't deserve kids, but life doesn't always give you what you deserve.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The litmus test is tied to commitment. The jewelry is just the means by which to express it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

question.... 

When y'all travel is it mostly for comic conventions and comedians?

are these her interests or just yours

and have you added the costs of all those trips

are they not over $100 

yet you don't ask for anything over $100

Something isn't adding up for me :scratchhead:


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You're obviously feeling guilty about your decision or you wouldn't have started this thread. Has your guilt been assuaged?
> 
> You can always wait 'til next year and see if she still expresses an interest in a diamond pendant. If so, I suggest you spend more than a piddly $800 because $800 will get diamonds which used to be classified as commercial grade but now can be passed off as I3 and, if a solitaire, no bigger than 1/4ct.


Somewhat, mostly thanks to DoF's responses, although I know he doesn't represent the majority.

$800 is hardly "piddly," especially if it sits in a box collecting dust and never sees the light of day. I'll see if she's still hinting about this pendant around Christmas time and we'll go from there. 

One bit of advice that I took away from this is to tell her that until she flaunts the expensive jewelry she already has, I won't express interest to get her more, and that diamonds are not a good investment that will pay you a greater return.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> One can be thankful and appreciative and disappointed at the same time.
> 
> Ungrateful and spoiled to me would look like her...not saying thank you, continuing to complain about not getting what she wanted, throwing it back in your face, guilt tripping, silent treatment, cold shoulder, snarky remarks, bad mouthing to others...that kind of behavior, I wouldn't tolerate.
> 
> ...


All sounds good to me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> Somewhat, mostly thanks to DoF's responses, although I know he doesn't represent the majority.
> 
> $800 is hardly "piddly," especially if it sits in a box collecting dust and never sees the light of day. I'll see if she's still hinting about this pendant around Christmas time and we'll go from there.
> 
> One bit of advice that I took away from this is to tell her that *until she flaunts the expensive jewelry she already has, I won't express interest to get her more*, and that diamonds are not a good investment that will pay you a greater return.


Oh boy...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> She's not spoiled, well, maybe she is. Up to this point, I've pretty much gotten her everything she's ever wanted, and expensive things she didn't ask for.


There is your problem my friend. 

You spoiled her and met her requests in the past.

Here is the 1 time you didn't, and she is not liking it AT ALL. And now you want to be reasonable and budget oriented? What about the past.

good luck with that, you set the stage.....not sure how I would go about undoing that hehe

Problem with setting the bar high is that MOST people have problem downgrading. Going up is easy, it's the downgrade that really gets to people.

I have 0 advice at this point.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> 'll see if she's still hinting about this pendant around Christmas time and we'll go from there.


You tell her this.....and you set yourself up for more failure.

I guess the question at this point is: Why do you get yourself into a big hole and keep digging deeper?

:rofl:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

DoF said:


> There is your problem my friend.
> 
> You spoiled her and met her requests in the past.
> 
> ...


I'm not fully buying that story... yet

How much of that was "for her" when in disguise it was "for him" ie... all the nice trips (with the comic convention in town)


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She definitely needs to stop using the justification that it appreciates.. that is total falsehood, but I am hearing a LOT of self righteous talk from OP, which makes me question his claims of what he does for her and more importantly WHY he does them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I'm not fully buying that story... yet
> 
> How much of that was "for her" when in disguise it was "for him" ie... all the nice trips (with the comic convention in town)


We have enough unresolvable issues to get into that......but good point.

:scratchhead:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Some things I do agree with...

The appreciation of diamonds is b.s.

They made a mutual decision to save money.. this must be honored

did they take it a step further and define what that looks like



Other than just that... I'm seeing bunk.. story has some holes in it


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Your wife isnt you.... if you keep comparing her to yourself, I think you might miss "hearing" what she is really saying. Have you sat down and asked her "why all of a sudden the interest in jewelry"....


Well, this is going to sound selfish, but I have yet to hear a satisfactory reason as to why the sudden interest in jewelry. All I've gotten is, "If we need money later down the road, this will pay out a good return" which is totally untrue.



Blossom Leigh said:


> The litmus test is tied to commitment. The jewelry is just the means by which to express it.


So, the bottom line is money is tied to commitment, right? Sounds a bit materialistic, doesn't it? 



Blossom Leigh said:


> question....
> 
> When y'all travel is it mostly for comic conventions and comedians?
> 
> ...


When we travel, it's typically for vacations and to see new sights, mostly. We've travelled to Alaska, Hawaii, Canada, Las Vegas, Reno, San Francisco, Niagara Falls... there are no comic conventions there, as far as I know... and to see comedians, which is something we both enjoy, it usually isn't too far of a trek from where we live. There are no comic conventions there either.

The comic conventions are an interest of mine, but I try to include her so we can get out and do things together. Additionally, the conventions feature panels that have guests of television shows that we both enjoy (i.e. Falling Skies, Revolution, Agents of SHIELD etc.)... and I pay for all of it, so no. I'm not asking for anything. 

If there are any comic conventions in Hawaii, please let me know. I know there's one in London, but I have no interest in that, although I would love to travel to Paris one day.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Oh boy...


Damn. I forgot to put the sarcastic smiley face. Ah well...


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> You tell her this.....and you set yourself up for more failure.
> 
> I guess the question at this point is: Why do you get yourself into a big hole and keep digging deeper?
> 
> :rofl:


See, that's just it. I didn't tell her that. I meant that I will make a mental note of it. It would be a bit foolish to make that promise, wouldn't it?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Well, this is going to sound selfish, but I have yet to hear a satisfactory reason as to why the sudden interest in jewelry. All I've gotten is, "If we need money later down the road, this will pay out a good return" which is totally untrue.


Man, you are really hard headed, aren't you?

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in a driveway?

THERE IS NO ANSWER/WHO CARES

It's simply something SHE LIKES/WANTS. Don't ask WHY.




coupdegrace said:


> So, the bottom line is money is tied to commitment, right? Sounds a bit materialistic, doesn't it?


It is whey you spoil her with gifts, YES!

Spoiling your wife is no different than spoiling your children.

It's one of the worst possible things you can do as a parent. More you give, less they appreciate and more they want/take.....then you get into self entitlement, laziness, arrogance etc etc



it's simply human nature. I don't care how great of a person someone might be......spoil them and they will adjust accordingly.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Well, this is going to sound selfish, but I have yet to hear a satisfactory reason as to why the sudden interest in jewelry. All I've gotten is, "If we need money later down the road, this will pay out a good return" which is totally untrue. * You are correct, totally untrue*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


see bolded above

also... I just see conflicting statements... there is spin going on somewhere in this....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

coupdegrace said:


> Not at all, in fact, she was the only girl in the family, so her parents were unfairly harder on her than her two brothers.
> 
> She hangs around her family a good deal of the time, which I think is a problem. Her two brothers have two children each, which has got to be eating at her... and then they inadvertently make snide, thoughtless remarks about her not being able to have children. Hell, it eats at me because both of those guys are irresponsible and don't deserve kids, but life doesn't always give you what you deserve.


Ah. Same thing, just in reverse. She NEEDS you to buy her that stuff so that she can say she married a man who keeps her in diamonds, which makes her better than her brothers, who just have plain marriages and families.

Especially in an Asian family, where the females are taken for granted and the males are exalted. I know a young Asian American woman who went through this; she just recently had a second mental breakdown from not being good enough, from being compared unfavorably to her brother (who barely makes it through life, having been so spoiled growing up).


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> Man, you are really hard headed, aren't you?
> 
> Why do we drive on the parkway and park in a driveway?
> 
> ...


Well, I like getting her things and doing things for her because I know she works hard and hates her job. That isn't a crime, is it?.. and it's not like I do it all the time to the point where she throws tantrums. It's just this particular time, she started moping around.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Well, I like getting her things and doing things for her because I know she works hard and hates her job. That isn't a crime, is it?.. and it's not like I do it all the time to the point where she throws tantrums. It's just this particular time, she started moping around.


Crime? no

But you are and WILL be dealing with consequences of your actions.....

You set the stage and expect her to adjust accordingly when you do a 180?

Like I said before, good luck. I have 0 advice left (no sarcasm or hate). I simply don't have any solution for you.

:scratchhead:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> Ah. Same thing, just in reverse. She NEEDS you to buy her that stuff so that she can say she married a man who keeps her in diamonds, which makes her better than her brothers, who just have plain marriages and families.


And if that's the case, he is in deeper **** then we all thought.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to burst your bubble, but $800 in the world of jewelry is piddly.

It's beginning to sound as though you and your wife have a his/hers money arrangement. You pay for all the comic conventions, eh? Then that money isn't joint and a joint decision isn't necessary. It's nice that you let her tag along. Or is it you have total control over your income and hers?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Answer these..

My wife is the perfect wife except....




My wife would say of me, my husband is the perfect husband except...


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> see bolded above
> 
> also... I just see conflicting statements... there is spin going on somewhere in this....


Well, let me unspin it for you. We took vacations maybe twice a year, but this was in the past. We just started the commitment to saving for our move when I recently got a new job. Since then, we haven't really gone anywhere or made an extravagant plans. We've seen a comedian show here and there, but it wasn't costly... and it's not just for me. We both love to laugh.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Her perceptions about the market dynamics of the jewelry itself could be causing her to create a false argument without knowing if she doesn't know the perceptions are wrong. 

You probably did, but did you correct her perceptions about the market dynamics of the jewelry?

if you did, how did she respond?

does she acknowledge the joint plans?

if so, does she comment on how the jewelry is the exception to the rule?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This needs a different title.

"My wife is upset because I no longer want to spoil her and get her expensive gifts"


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Sorry to burst your bubble, but $800 in the world of jewelry is piddly.
> 
> It's beginning to sound as though you and your wife have a his/hers money arrangement. You pay for all the comic conventions, eh? Then that money isn't joint and a joint decision isn't necessary. It's nice that you let her tag along. Or is it you have total control over your income and hers?


We have joint and separate accounts. I pay for the mortgage, cable and the utilities and she pays for the cell phone our vehicle. We both pay for what needs to be paid and we both have our accounts set up to save each month as well.

I have my own separate savings that she knows about, and I've been using that for the one convention a year that we attend together.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> W
> 
> I have my own separate savings that she knows about, and I've been using that for the one convention a year that we attend together.


What's her one big hobby that she saves for for herself?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Okay, I'll play along.



Blossom Leigh said:


> Answer these..
> 
> My wife is the perfect wife except.... *She allows other people to influence her decision-making and take advantage of her naivety*.
> 
> ...





Blossom Leigh said:


> Her perceptions about the market dynamics of the jewelry itself could be causing her to create a false argument without knowing if she doesn't know the perceptions are wrong.
> 
> You probably did, but did you correct her perceptions about the market dynamics of the jewelry?
> 
> ...


We haven't yet discussed the jewelry dynamic, and the falsehood of its appreciation. We haven't talked about the jewelry lately, and I just learned about these factiods this week.

She acknowledges the joint plans, after all, they're her idea. I don't really want to move because the cost of living where she wants to move is OUTRAGEOUS, but she's constantly complaining about the commute.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

what is her reason for not liking the commute?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> We have joint and separate accounts. I pay for the mortgage, cable and the utilities and she pays for the cell phone our vehicle. We both pay for what needs to be paid and we both have our accounts set up to save each month as well.
> 
> I have my own separate savings that she knows about, and I've been using that for the one convention a year that we attend together.


WOW

From what I've seen in the past, there is only 2 proper ways to do finances (ps. I know there is always an exception to this rule as well).

1 Bucket or separate and split expenses down the middle.

Anything else = shaky ground

You are on shaky ground and clearly you spoil her even more by paying most of the expenses.

It seems like your wife should be able to pay for her own jewelry once a month if she only pays for car and a cell phone.

Heck, can I be your wife?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What's her one big hobby that she saves for for herself?


She really doesn't have a hobby. There are things she enjoys, like reading novels (I bought that 50 Shades of Gray book for her) but aside from screwing with that damn iPad, there isn't much she has when she's bored. I can't create a hobby for her, so I try to make as many date night weekend plans as possible and include her, even if it's going to see a movie and dinner. If there was a novel convention, I'd be all for it.

I've had the same hobbies since I was 10: I love comics, I collect action figures, coins, draw, paint and sculpt. I love music and side DJ. The best part of all of these hobbies is that I can do them by myself, meaning I don't require a group of friends.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

hmmm who is the breadwinner?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> what is her reason for not liking the commute?


It's horrendous. We leave the house at 5:30 am and don't get home until 8pm. We take the train part of the way, which allows us to rest, but it sucks not seeing the sun when you're at home. Some days is harder than others, but I can deal with it. 

I bought the house long before we got married, and she moved in with me after we were married. Initially, it wasn't too bad, but she's kind of blaming her health issues on the commute, and the fact that she's tired all the time. Her stressful job has much to do with it as well.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> hmmm who is the breadwinner?


I earn a little more than her, but we both have decent careers. I'm in legal and she's in bookeeping/billing, although she is being EXTREMELY underpaid for what she's doing.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> It's horrendous. We leave the house at 5:30 am and don't get home until 8pm. We take the train part of the way, which allows us to rest, but it sucks not seeing the sun when you're at home. Some days is harder than others, but I can deal with it.
> 
> I bought the house long before we got married, and she moved in with me after we were married. Initially, it wasn't too bad, but she's kind of blaming her health issues on the commute, and the fact that she's tired all the time. Her stressful job has much to do with it as well.


So her need to relocate is legit... either relocate the home life or work life. What do you think she should do?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> I earn a little more than her, but we both have decent careers. I'm in legal and she's in bookeeping/billing, although she is being EXTREMELY underpaid for what she's doing.


does she feel she is underpaid? or is she happy with her pay?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> WOW
> 
> From what I've seen in the past, there is only 2 proper ways to do finances (ps. I know there is always an exception to this rule as well).
> 
> ...


LOL. I bought the house long before we were married, so as long as she takes care of what she's supposed to do, I'm okay with that.

Like I said before, she's Asian so she's expected to help out her family (who doesn't really need help). So, in addition to paying what she does, she helps out her family, and we agreed that any remainder would go into savings for our future. Recently, she's been pushing to move closer to our jobs, so that's when when agreed to make a more concerted effort to save more.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DoF said:


> WOW
> 
> From what I've seen in the past, there is only 2 proper ways to do finances (ps. I know there is always an exception to this rule as well).
> 
> ...


One might think from the way you post that your wife would be only to happy to pass you on. But, we both know you would walk barefoot over hot coals to bring your wife a glass of water.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> So her need to relocate is legit... either relocate the home life or work life. What do you think she should do?


Oh, it's legit, but it's expensive and would put us in a financial bind. The real estate market is nearly 3x higher where she wants to move.

I've already compromised a great deal by letting her stay with her parents (who lives near her job) when she's tired, so sometimes when her job gets busy, we don't see each other for an entire week.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Oh, it's legit, but it's expensive and would put us in a financial bind. The real estate market is nearly 3x higher where she wants to move.
> 
> I've already compromised a great deal by letting her stay with her parents (who lives near her job) when she's tired, so sometimes when her job gets busy, we don't see each other for an entire week.


What do you wish she would do about this need?


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> does she feel she is underpaid? or is she happy with her pay?


She knows she's underpaid, but she's afraid of change. I've recently looked over and helped her with her resume, but she hasn't sent it out yet. She should be earning 20K more than what she's currently getting.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What do you wish she would do about this need?


There's no need here. It's just a tough situation. I take solace in the fact that there are others that have a much worse commute.


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> One might think from the way you post that your wife would be only to happy to pass you on. But, we both know you would walk barefoot over hot coals to bring your wife a glass of water.


He's probably whipped and using this false bravado as a front.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can she find a job closer to your home?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> There's no need here. It's just a tough situation. I take solace in the fact that there are others that have a much worse commute.



If your wife is truly ailing from the stress and commute, there is a need. 

I'm telling you... your wife is calling out to you for help. If you don't hear it, its not going to bode well for you.

The jewelry is merely a facade... you need to look behind it

and hear what she needs

when she feels you care about her true needs

she will know you actually do care
and the requests for jewelry will stop


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> Can she find a job closer to your home?


She would have to send out her resume, but hasn't tried. Still, the pay grade where we live is almost 50% lower, which is why we commute in the first place.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> She would have to send out her resume, but hasn't tried. Still, the pay grade where we live is almost 50% lower, which is why we commute in the first place.


If it makes your wife sick to do so, why bother?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So she has medical issues, but you don't? But you're both doing the commute? If she feels poorly during this daily commute, you can translate what it looks like to HER by adding about 25% or more on HER time; so 2 hours of commuting may feel like 3 or 4 hours to her. My DD has fibromyalgia, and she says it's like, when I have a cold, well, it's a cold; but when SHE has a cold, because of the additional wear and tear on her body, she FEELS like she has pneumonia. And I have chronic back pain so a trip in a car may be ok for my husband but that same trip for me means an additional layer of misery because of the added pain/stress.

I'd surmise that your wife is 'suffering' at a much higher level from the commute than you are. Therefore, simply saying that others have it worse than you two isn't really fair, is it?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> If it makes your wife sick to do so, why bother?


I tried to get her to send out her resume, but like I said, she's afraid of change. I can't force her to do what's good for her health. Still, she stays at her parents place, which I don't think is a good idea, but if she can rest, so be it.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Where do you want her to get a job, close to home? or do you prefer for her to get more money where she is?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm not female but I will lay it out there for you.
> 
> My wife told me that I buy her things *I think* she needs. Not what she desires or wants. She is grateful however. But, if you think about it, gifting someone what you think they need is something you do for a kid. At any rate, the purchase of the jewelry, whether is sits or is worn, should have very little bearing on making said purchase. * This piece of jewelry is something she probably admires while in the box. It is worn on special occassions only. I can not tell you the countless pieces of jewelry my mother had. To them it is similar to a box full of countless tools for you. I love wrenches and hand tools. I have three boxes full of them. I do not use them everyday. I admire them sometimes. I always ask for more tools.*
> 
> Purchase the piece of jewelry. Have her be happy.


Not being someone who ever cared much jewelry so much and I'd rather pick my own stuff out.. I think this was a good post.. my H is always adding to his tool collection and I know many things he will never touch -he'll die 1st.. but it's comforting to him if it's there when it's needed.. .. 

I guess a women can admire her jewelry collection also, the way some collect coins.. it's not that they get used, but it means a great deal to them.. I'd rather collect memories shared over pieces of jewelry or gifts.. -but everyone is different. if her primary Love language is gifts.. she may feel strongly about this.. I missed the last couple pages.... was still on the 1st.. (I see the discussion has changed a bit)..


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> So she has medical issues, but you don't? But you're both doing the commute? If she feels poorly during this daily commute, you can translate what it looks like to HER by adding about 25% or more on HER time; so 2 hours of commuting may feel like 3 or 4 hours to her. My DD has fibromyalgia, and she says it's like, when I have a cold, well, it's a cold; but when SHE has a cold, because of the additional wear and tear on her body, she FEELS like she has pneumonia. And I have chronic back pain so a trip in a car may be ok for my husband but that same trip for me means an additional layer of misery because of the added pain/stress.
> 
> I'd surmise that your wife is 'suffering' at a much higher level from the commute than you are. Therefore, simply saying that others have it worse than you two isn't really fair, is it?


I realize that she is suffering at a higher rate, and that's why I let her stay at her parents house during the week. I don't like it, but in the long run it's better for her health... and it's why we've decided to save money to move closer to our jobs.


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Where do you want her to get a job, close to home? or do you prefer for her to get more money where she is?


It doesn't matter to me, however, I've learned that it's more important to be happy at your job than to earn more money. 

It would be great if she could get a job closer to home. I can continue to commute. It's tough, but I can handle it.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> I realize that she is suffering at a higher rate, and that's why I let her stay at her parents house during the week. I don't like it, but in the long run it's better for her health... and it's why we've decided to save money to move closer to our jobs.


Then would you say that her request to move wasn't brought about by her friends swaying her nor her desire to keep up with the Jones's?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Then would you say that her request to move wasn't brought about by her friends swaying her nor her desire to keep up with the Jones's?


I equated her desire to keep up with the Joneses with the jewelry, not moving.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> I equated her desire to keep up with the Joneses with the jewelry, not moving.



I concur, went back and checked while you were posting

when did she last miscarry?


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I concur, went back and checked while you were posting
> 
> when did she last miscarry?


Couple of years ago, in consecutive years. The miscarriages had to deal with hormones and stuff I didn't quite understand. It was tough for both of us, because we both wanted a child for a long time. 

After the second miscarriage, her health began to fall apart. She was sick all the time, then had some kind of thyroid issue, and the doctor told us that we shouldn't try to have kids for 6 months. After that, there were inexplicable headaches that the doctors couldn't properly diagnose. 

Now, she thinks that the commute is the bane of our existence, and the cause of her health issues (which they aren't because she was constantly sick when I first met her). Anyway, we decided that we should make a concerted effort to save and move closer for both our health, but primarily hers.


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not being someone who ever cared much jewelry so much and I'd rather pick my own stuff out.. I think this was a good post.. my H is always adding to his tool collection and I know many things he will never touch -he'll die 1st.. but it's comforting to him if it's there when it's needed.. ..
> 
> I guess a women can admire her jewelry collection also, the way some collect coins.. it's not that they get used, but it means a great deal to them.. I'd rather collect memories shared over pieces of jewelry or gifts.. -but everyone is different. if her primary Love language is gifts.. she may feel strongly about this.. I missed the last couple pages.... was still on the 1st.. (I see the discussion has changed a bit)..


I agree. That was a good post becuase it reminded me of my Mom's jewelry collection. Periodically, she would take it out and admire it, but most of it was family heirloom type stuff.

My initial issue was that my wife suddenly wanted jewelry, which made no sense to me, being that she never wanted nor wore jewelry in our 4 years of marriage and 15 years of knowing each other. 

The issue after that is we made an agreement to save for our move, but buying costly jewelry goes against it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My husband and I had to make a very similar choice. After the birth of our son, which almost killed me in the hospital, (emergency ceasarian, two blood transfusions, kidneys almost shut down, liver out of whack, right eye involved, super high blood pressure, eleven rounds of antibiotics, eight days in hospital and a return emergency room visit after discharged, all from a very lethal form of toxemia called HELLP syndrome) the commute we were doing to work was also horrendous and now my health couldn't handle it like it used to. But my H struggled to see my need. I was telling him very frequently that things needed to change. My days ran from 4:00am til sometimes 11 at night. I was so deeply exhausted (and an older mom, 40's) that I couldn't even hardly explain to him the pain I was in. But because it was the flu or a broken arm, something easier to see, he would kind of blow it off, well... after 3.5 years of him blowing my health issues off I told him YOU HAVE TO GET ME OFF THE ROAD... I CANNOT HANDLE IT ANYMORE. I just had to get in his face about it because talking normal didn't get it through his head. 

We had to move to where it is more expensive too, but we rent an apartment instead. We own rental houses, so we are not missing out on building equity, but it was the best option given the school system we want our son in and where our jobs are.

so, I get all of that. My H didn't want to move either for various reasons, but likes it now that we have. 

This jewelry thing still puzzles me though...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> I agree. That was a good post becuase it reminded me of my Mom's jewelry collection. Periodically, she would take it out and admire it, but most of it was family heirloom type stuff.
> 
> My initial issue was that my wife suddenly wanted jewelry, which made no sense to me, being that she never wanted nor wore jewelry in our 4 years of marriage and 15 years of knowing each other.
> 
> The issue after that is we made an agreement to save for our move, but buying costly jewelry goes against it.


I liked that post and those that were similar, because sometime it is about the sentiment and not the frequency of use.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Another female view: I don't think it is surprising at all that she is suddenly getting interested in jewelry. Interests develop through life. When you're 5, it's dolls; when you're 13, it's boy-bands. As an adult interests continue to develop and change.

She is a 40 year old woman who works hard. She has no children. Pretty much all of my friends in my age group who don't have kids have Kate Spade/Coach bags, killer rings/earrings, go on great vacations, etc. We were all pretty much goth/punk-rockers, none of us are particularly materialistic. Diamonds and nice things seems like a pretty normal progression to me. If I didn't spend all the money on my little guy I'd be sporting some small but tasteful rocks in my ears on special occasions, too. It's just nice to have.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

For me, I work my tail off so I can have horses and houses. I love sparklies too but am picky about what I spend. There is just something about this thread I can't put my finger on. There are several theories floating around.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> Another female view: I don't think it is surprising at all that she is suddenly getting interested in jewelry. Interests develop through life. When you're 5, it's dolls; when you're 13, it's boy-bands. As an adult interests continue to develop and change.
> 
> She is a 40 year old woman who works hard. She has no children. Pretty much all of my friends in my age group who don't have kids have Kate Spade/Coach bags, killer rings/earrings, go on great vacations, etc. We were all pretty much goth/punk-rockers, none of us are particularly materialistic. Diamonds and nice things seems like a pretty normal progression to me. If I didn't spend all the money on my little guy I'd be sporting some small but tasteful rocks in my ears on special occasions, too. It's just nice to have.


Thanks, Rose. Perhaps my stubborn mind is trying to project my feelings and experiences unto hers. I've pretty much had all the same interests since I was young; all the same goofy, geeky interests I had as a child, I STILL have, and almost nothing has changed. I'm gathering that women don't work that way.

What boggles my mind is that there was no gradual progression; it was an overnight obsession. In addition, the fact that she started to use the street term "bling bling," which I hate to no end, and I'm African-American. She never spoke like that at any point in our relationship, and I don't talk like that, so I'm guessing that she got it from one of her idiot friends. That leads me to believe that this sudden interest in jewelry is manufactured and not genuine. Like I said in a post earlier, she is naive, easily manipulated and susceptible to bending to peer pressure to fit in.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> For me, I work my tail off so I can have horses and houses. I love sparklies too but am picky about what I spend. There is just something about this thread I can put my finger on. There are several theories floating around.


Do you think I'm being dishonest about something? Believe me, I'm not. I have no reason to lie here in cyberspace. Besides, I posted this topic to learn the female perspective, and try and understand the female mind, and I thank you all for your input.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My tastes have changed. DH used to buy me jewelry and clothes in my 20s and I liked it, but what I really wanted was bookshelves and a nicer house. He slowly learned to believe me and stopped buying me jewelry. But after another 20 years, I was receptive to jewelry, probably because I felt not as pretty as in my 20s so I thought jewelry would cover that up and make me seem prettier. My point is that you have no idea what HER wants and needs are and what her motivations are. All you can do is open up conversations with her about it and really listen, so you can try to understand.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Do you think I'm being dishonest about something? Believe me, I'm not. I have no reason to lie here in cyberspace. Besides, I posted this topic to learn the female perspective, and try and understand the female mind, and I thank you all for your input.


No its not that, just feels like the theories floating around don't quite fit for me and I haven't been able to put my finger on it.

I do think you struggle hearing her, but for me there is a piece of the puzzle missing, not that you've lied.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The one thing that happens more often than not around here is that we sit here and think and think and think about what could be happening with the partner who isn't here, and somehow we almost never get a real handle on what that person is really thinking and feeling. And what better way to solve a problem than to figure out WHAT that person is feeling and thinking?

IIWY, I'd spend more time trying to get that knowledge. Then you'll know how to proceed.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> The one thing that happens more often than not around here is that we sit here and think and think and think about what could be happening with the partner who isn't here, and somehow we almost never get a real handle on what that person is really thinking and feeling. And what better way to solve a problem than to figure out WHAT that person is feeling and thinking?
> 
> IIWY, I'd spend more time trying to get that knowledge. Then you'll know how to proceed.


Totally agree


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> Thanks, Rose. Perhaps my stubborn mind is trying to project my feelings and experiences unto hers. I've pretty much had all the same interests since I was young; all the same goofy, geeky interests I had as a child, I STILL have, and almost nothing has changed. I'm gathering that women don't work that way.


Well, I'm not sure that change in interests over time is purely a feminine phenomenon; it probably is individual regardless of gender. 

In fact, I kinda think that is the main issue here, which is that you seem to be having difficulty with the idea that people have their own individual wants/desires/preferences, and that really none are more "valid" or "right" than the other. I don't think this is an issue of stubbornness as it is as an issue of empathy and judgement. Are you generally an emphatic person? You seem more logically-minded.

Logically, though, consider this: it is disrespectful to your wife IMO to claim that her preferences are somehow "wrong" or "illogical" when in fact, they are just her preferences. It's like trying to say someone's feelings are "wrong" or " you shouldn't feel that way." People feel what they feel. 



> What boggles my mind is that there was no gradual progression; it was an overnight obsession. In addition, the fact that she started to use the street term "bling bling," which I hate to no end, and I'm African-American. She never spoke like that at any point in our relationship, and I don't talk like that, so I'm guessing that she got it from one of her idiot friends. That leads me to believe that this sudden interest in jewelry is manufactured and not genuine. Like I said in a post earlier, she is naive, easily manipulated and susceptible to bending to peer pressure to fit in.


Well, again, I think this isn't really that far out of the ordinary. It might be true that she became interested in jewelry from her friends; that generally is how things work. We go for new hair styles, new clothing styles, new recipes, crafts (Pininterest!!), etc. based on what we see and like. 

Even if she did get the interest from her friends, it is still her interest. I think it is disrespectful on your part to call her "naive" over a new interest, or that her is interest is "manufactured" vs simply something new. 

It is one thing to be caught off-guard and surprised by her new interest. That is an accurate statement of your reaction to her new interest.

It is another thing to call her new interest "naive", not genuine (e.g. manufactured), a result of her "idiot friends". These are *your judgments* on her interest. 

You may or may not like her new interest; her use of "bling bling" irritates you (it would irritate me, too.) You might now approve of it because you would prefer to keep saving. All of these are your statements describing you. I think you are doing fine here, you understand where you're coming from and it definitely has a logical sequence.

I think you'll have better, more honest conversations with your wife if you stick to describing your own states, rather than describing what you think are her states (naive, etc.) It's harder to do than it sounds, because most of us want to justify our feelings based on the other person. Nonetheless, our feelings and reactions are our own; we literally have to "own it" if we want to have clear, safe, honest communication.

If you talk about how wrong, naive, manufactured, etc her desires are, then she will not feel safe telling you her real thoughts, desires, etc. You have to shut down the natural tendency to judge her and just listen to her if you want to understand.

Personally, I also started to wear some jewelry and make-up around your wife's age. I might be one of only a few women who had to learn to put on eyeliner at age 40! I was out with my drop-dead gorgeous SIL and MIL one day and caught a glimpse of us together in a store mirror. They always are impeccable with make-up, tasteful jewelry, etc. Before, I'd looked fine with my own minimalist style, but on that day I realized that really, that look was no longer working for me. I am a lot older now and a little bit of make-up and style goes a long way.

If asked, I am pretty sure my husband would say that this new make-up and jewelry thing came from out of the blue. He rolled with it though (although he really didn't like the make-up thing at first- mostly because it took me some time to figure out what looks right on a 40-something vs the 20-somethings in the books/ads etc.)

I can't do $800 necklaces or earrings; that is day-care each month for us. But I can do basic earrings and i have a lovely stylized "tree of life" necklace that I now wear most days. Most of my DINK friends actually do have small diamond studs and much nicer bags, etc.

And, the thing that really got my ears up on your posts so far was when you said that if you told your wife that you guys couldn't afford it right now, she would disagree because she knows you do have the money. And it sounds like you do have the money, you just want to put it in savings to reach your mutual goal of moving. 

In other words, neither of you are wrong. She is not wrong to want something nice that you do actually have the money to get and you are not wrong for wanting to save towards your goals. The trick will be finding a win-win here.

So I have to really agree with Blossom Leigh; please try to talk with your wife and find out where she is at right now. If she is really suffering and having a hard time like it sounds, she might be looking for something from you. And, no offense, but you have been judgmental towards her, as I've tried to illustrate in my post. I do not think it's been intentional, you sure seem to be looking for yours and your wife's best interest. I think this is one of those tricky communication issues. Right now you think she is naive and easily susceptible; maybe she needs something from you to show that you do care for her and admire her. She is in a hard place, sick and exhausted. I think your wife might be looking for an act of love from you, and gifts are a pretty normal demonstration.

I am not saying you should go out and buy the jewelry; I do think though that you should try to put your own viewpoint aside and try to really listen to her without judgement, see where she is, and then see what is really possible. If $800 for a necklace is going to set you back one month in your financial goals, maybe it's not such a bad emotional investment in your wife, you know? Maybe she really just needs smaller gifts more frequently because it is her love language. I think you will find out a good, workable solution where you both are happy. Maybe you can agree to get her a nice piece of jewelry if she agrees to ditch the "bling bling" talk. That is ##@$ annoying! I'll bet she'd go for that!

Best of luck!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thanks Rosaglow, it was the judgemental language that was bugging me. Very disrespectful. And if he expresses those judgements to her, she is in pain. Now I understand her all of a sudden saying "you dont care about me"over this jewelry if he launched into the same language at the time, especially her being exhausted.


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> Well, I'm not sure that change in interests over time is purely a feminine phenomenon; it probably is individual regardless of gender.
> 
> In fact, I kinda think that is the main issue here, which is that you seem to be having difficulty with the idea that people have their own individual wants/desires/preferences, and that really none are more "valid" or "right" than the other. I don't think this is an issue of stubbornness as it is as an issue of empathy and judgement. Are you generally an emphatic person? You seem more logically-minded.
> 
> ...


WHOA! You have taken the words right out of my mouth and have fully articulated what I couldn't in my ongoing battles with my own husband. I couldn't agree more. It illustrates a lack of empathy.

OP, try to have a talk with your wife without the judgements as it really detracts from your point. If you can't justify spending 800 dollars, then let that be the point. However, if she wants to eat steak, it wouldn't make much sense to ask her WHY she feels like eating steak.


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