# Ex-wife Dating, when to meet new BF?



## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

The Cliff Notes are this: we got divorced last June. Neither of us have done any serious dating since then though we have both had dates. Two kids aged 6 and 8. She signed up for Match about a month ago and as far as I can tell within days got involved with a guy who she is “in a relationship” with per her Facebook status. The relationship start date according to Facebook was about 3 days after she joined Match though she just posted the relationship status yesterday.

Anyway, my son met him after school about a week after they started dating as the guy was hanging around her house after an apparent day-date (she took a vacation day so she could see him as he works most weekends). I mentioned at the time that I was disappointed in this because I thought it was pretty sudden, especially since she had only known him a few days. 

Anyway, she tells me she is going to her girlfriend’s house tonight with the kids and she has invited the guys so the kids can meet him (although as I said, son already met him as her “friend”). The people’s house she is going to have similar aged kids so this almost like a family type activity. There is a part of me that thinks this is too soon to introduce the kids to him but my judgement is probably not a bit clouded as I had been hoping for a reconciliation up until a week or two ago.

I am not jealous of the guy, I sort of feel bad for him as I doubt this is going to work for them long term based on what I think she wants in a relationship (but clearly I am not a great judge of that). I am still a little resentful of her and kind of expect this to end badly at some point, and there is a part of me that is excited about that as well. But anyway, I can’t help but think this is a little soon for her to start socializing together like that. 

What are your thoughts? Am I being crazy/over-reacting? Any resources that outline when it is appropriate to introduce people to your kids? The guy is about her age (38) and has never been married and has no kids. I am fairly sure he has no idea what he might be getting into. My personal feelings aside, what I’d really like to do is avoid screwing up the kids more than the divorce, etc has already done. 

She is the child of an alcoholic and has deep self-esteem issues, and possibly NPD or BPD. When she and I started "dating" we went from a first date to seeing each other daily in about 2 days, basically living together. We were married 14 mos later.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are divorced and will date other people.

It is up to you each as to when to introduce your kid to a new partner. So if she wants to do that, it's her choice. Just as when you date, it's your choice.

You mention "all personal feelings" aside but this is a very personal issue. You talk about how you feel sorry for the guy, how you don't think it will work, how you are resentful, how YOU feel it's too soon for HER. It's her life though. Just as you have yours.

It sucks but them's the breaks, as they say. 

I say, just be the best dad you can be to your daughter.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

Thanks Jellybeans, you are right, it's not my place to get involved.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah, whether it's appropriate or not, you really can't do much about when she introduces a new man to your children. 

All you can do is manage your own behavior. Just be the best dad you can be, and be the stabilizing force in their lives since it sounds like they'll need it considering all her issues. 

Personally, I think a week of dating is far too soon to introduce a new man/woman to kids. I don't blame your for being uneasy since you don't know this guy and she really doesn't know him well. But all you can do is be there for your kids, come what may.

Good luck to you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree that this isn't something you can get involved in, but I understand your concerns. I don't believe in introducing children to new partners too soon, but this can be unavoidable when the children are actually living with you. I'm not in favour of sleep-overs, though, when the children are around, because I think we really need to get to know someone pretty well before bringing them into our home like that...

I got divorced a lifetime ago, but do I remember how confused my son was after a "Daddy Weekend." It was very shortly after our divorce, and when my son came home he was very quiet, but eventually asked me: "Why did Daddy have his hand up that lady's dress? It made me feel shy..." I was absolutely incensed that my ex could have behaved so inappropriately in front of our 5 year old, and I let him know in no uncertain terms that he'd have to clean up his act on access weekends, or else!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Have to agree with the others that unfortunately there is not much you can do about how your ex handles this situation. If you have a reasonably amicable situation perhaps you could have a non accusatory conversation with her and explain what she is doing is not good for the kids.

I waited 12 months to intro my kids to my partner as this is generally what is recommended. The kids knew I was dating (they are older than your kids) but there was just no need for them to meet. All they needed to know was that I was happy.
It is not in the kids best interest to meet new partners too soon especially as a relationship takes at least 12 months to be considered to be on the way to stable and serious. Why would anyone want to put their kids through the difficulty of meeting a new adult if the chances of that adult not being around for long are quite high? It reeks of selfishness.

My ex introduced his new GF to the kids within a few weeks, they split up after a couple of months. the whole situation was very poor form on his part and he has done the wrong thing by the kids.

Anyway just do your best to keep being the best dad you can be. Learn from your ex's behaviour and please don't do the same thing when you meet someone.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

That's part of divorce, recognizing that many decisions will be made by your former partner and they are not joint decisions as in a marriage. Unless it's real important and clear, it's her call.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Yeah, that is a tough situation. I don't know if there is anything you can do except come to an agreement or compromise with her on this. All you can really do is communicate.

I personally would not introduce anybody quickly to my children. I would need to spend some time determining if she is someone I WANT to introduce into my daughter's life. It is confusing enough as it is ... what I wouldn't want is a revolving door of people in their lives. 

I also think I would need some time to make my daughters comfortable with that idea. There would be a lot of discussion around that. I think it is important for them to understand that anybody I bring into their life will not replace their mommy. They won't get it completely with one discussion ... it will be a process.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

Just a quick updated from me, the OP. It has been a little over a month since the ex introduced the kids, and 2 months to the day that they first started dating. 4th of July was her holiday and it rolled into her weekend so I went without kids for 4.5 days. It turns out she and the kids spent time with the BF just about each of those days as best as I can tell from what the kids told me about their weekend. 

My house is close to my town's firework show so she asked me on Weds if I'd be home (I went out with friends) and if not, if she and her girlfriends could park in my drive and watch the show from what is essentially the furthest boundary of my backyard. I said yes but she did not make it sound like the BF would be there and I of course hoped he wouldn't (but was). 

Yesterday was really hard. After an extra long weekend I missed my kids and I also missed her. She sent me a text in the AM with a pic of my son who just lost a front tooth. I thanked her for sending it but no reply. I sent a text at 7 PM asking to have kids call me (she has cell only, no home phone and I don't like getting her on the phone as it is too easy to get caught up and letting her know if I'm hurting or whatever). She never did call and didn't reply to that text either. 

Tonight was my night and she called and texted asking to talk to kids. I didn't see the call and when I saw the text I thought about not replying but after about 2 hours I decided that I was the better person and had kids call. It went to VM and I felt like I'd did my part (and also secretly suspected she was with the BF or something and didn't want to take call). Shortly after she called back and ended up talking to kids. 

Anyway, this is a lot of info but the gist of my question is this: are there any papers, sites, etc that talk about how much exposure to a BF is appropriate for kids? We have 50/50 custody, but I have to feel like she is spending a lot of her custodial time with this guy around and ultimately it will affect her relationship with the kids and worse, affect the emotional development of the kids. 

I learned about the weekend's activities when I was saying goodnight to my son (he's 6). I was hurt by the amount of time the BF has been around and I matter of factly commented that the BF would probably move in with mom soon and it would be like he'd have 2 dads. He seemed to find that amusing or pleasing which made me feel worse and I (wrongly I know) commented that maybe if that happened I'd take off and he'd only have this guy. I realize how awful that was but as much and as often as I dislike my ex's behavior, I do still grieve the death of the marriage and the dream of a "family", whatever that might mean, and I am still very sensitive to the whole situation. 

Anyway, partly venting and partly looking for any resources I can send to the ex so that it does not sound like I am trying to prevent her from spending time with BF but rather looking out for the children's emotional development. I don't mind if she spends all 15 of her non custodial days with this guy, but I have to feel like her spending time on 7 or more of her custodial days per month with him is bad for the kids. Or maybe I'm just feeling like I'm being replaced? Probably both but knowing her as I do I can't have the conversation without being viewed as the *******.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I learned about the weekend's activities when I was saying goodnight to my son (he's 6). I was hurt by the amount of time the BF has been around and I matter of factly commented that the BF would probably move in with mom soon and it would be like he'd have 2 dads. He seemed to find that amusing or pleasing which made me feel worse and I (wrongly I know) commented that maybe if that happened I'd take off and he'd only have this guy. I realize how awful that was but as much and as often as I dislike my ex, I do still grieve the death of the marriage and the dream of a "family", whatever that might mean, and I am still very sensitive to the whole situation.


I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry. That hurt is probably why you don't realize that, right now, YOU are hurting your son worse than spending time with your ex's boyfriend could. You just planted a fear in your 6 year old son's head of you abandoning him. 

Please, be the adult and hold onto your emotions and thoughts around your kids. And make sure to tell your son that you would never abandon him, even if your ex-wife remarries. Apologize to him for ever saying "maybe" that could happen.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

Thank you Norajane. I am sure you are absolutely right. I know it was wrong and knew it at the time but it just came out. I don't recall my exact words and it really does not matter. I do not think I'd say I'd leave but rather that the BF would replace me as his dad. does not make it any better I don't think. just being clearer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I do think your ex was way out of line bringing the bf to your home.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Good god I hope she wouldn't dream of living with a guy she had just started dating 2 months ago. I know you are hurting so I understand how that might cross your mind and I even understand how you might slip up and say something to your son. I think that is something you need to address with your kids right away ... I say kids because surely your son wouldn't have kept that to himself. 

I would also address that type of concern with her specifically. A what if scenario on how to handle that type of situation if it should occur. Not only do I agree that it was far too soon for her to introduce her bf to your children but it seems irresponsible for her to allow them to spend so much time around him. 

I think if my marriage ends in divorce, I will not only be careful to make sure that any woman I might date is someone I want to have around my children but more importantly, make sure that my children are emotionally ready for something like that. I imagine that will take a long time.


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