# Dropping the bomb



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Ive been away visiting my brothers family this past week. Trying to clear my head and make some decisions about my marriage. Tomorrow I'm headed from here to my parents house and I plan to tell them that I am filing for divorce and will be looking for a house and trying to get a home loan. Then it's back home to talk to my husband. I'll wait until he is finished with harvest since those are long hours but then we are going to have the talk. He should know its coming. I told home I was getting away this summer as a final resort. I feel like I've been in limbo for at least the last year. But I do think he's going to freak out when I tell him I'm ready to call an attorney and get the ball rolling. He's going to cry, beg , yell, cry more, get angry, be depressed, blame me, blame himself, tell me he is worthless, tell me he can't live without me......and I just don't want to hear all that anymore. I'm tired of the begging and pleading and empty promises. And I don't think I love him anymore even if he does change. I think our marriage was a mistake from the beginning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry to hear this. Divorce is a terrible thing to have to do.

I do not recall your story. Could you give a quick rundown on what happened?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry to hear this. Divorce is a terrible thing to have to do.
> 
> I do not recall your story. Could you give a quick rundown on what happened?


Had to switch over from my iPad to my computer. Too hard to type a long message from my iPad! 

I'll try to make this short and to the point. I am 31, he is 37. My first marriage, his 2nd. He has to kids from his first marriage. We have no kids. I have no kids. I want kids. He says he does, too. We will be married two years in July. Here's the problems:

We've had sex 3 times since being married. Have not had sex for about 18 months. When we did, it was because I initiated. He slept on the couch for about 10 months after we married. At first, said he just "accidentally" fell asleep, but then it became every night. Anytime I tried to talk about it, he'd get upset. Then say I pushed him out of the bedroom. But, no amount of asking brought him back until I finally put my foot down. So, he's been back for about 6 months.

He won't talk about anything serious with me without getting angry or emotional. Tried counseling. Counselor says he is very co dependent and needs to learn how to deal with his emotions. I quit mc because it was not going well. He was supposed to do ic with this guy to work on these things. That didn't last long and nothing changed.

I am not physically attracted to my husband. It's become worse with all of our problems, but I don't think I was ever very physically attracted to him. We were good friends, and I guess I felt the attraction would rise out of that. But, it's only gotten worse. And his inability to initiate sex with me hasn't helped. 

He has NO relationship with his 2 kids. I have discovered that who he claimed to be before our marriage, the type of father he claimed to be, was just a dream on his part. After our marriage, he didn't talk to his kids for 6 months, then they were angry at him, so he just quit completely. Now, even when he tries, they won't speak to him. They are too hurt.

He doesn't know how to deal with anything in his life that upsets him. He is used to sweeping things under the rug. It's like he feels if he ignores it, then it's not real. 

I'm tired of fighting it.

I admit now that maybe I was wrong in the beginning for my reasons for marrying him. I thought he'd be a good husband and a good father. Now I realize that there are some things that I am terribly missing. Sex is definitely a big factor, but not the only factor. I think I've been moving toward this divorce for quite a while. Our marriage pretty much fell apart from the very beginning.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Step one is accomplished. Talking to my parents wasn't as hard as I thought. They seem supportive, although maybe a little sad that it's ending this way. But, they did say they would help me with a downpayment for a house if needed. I plan to do most of it myself and I think they are leaving that to me until I ask for help. I'm pretty independent. 

I told them everything. I told them my husband is not a bad guy. But, that our sex life is nonexistent and with so many other issues that he won't take care of, I'm ready to leave. And that this isn't a rush decision, which some of you know since I've been saying it on here for over a year. 

Next step, telling him my final decision and not backing down out of guilt.Will be headed home tomorrow sometime, but won't sit him down about this until he is done with harvest. Don't need him dealing with that and working all hours of the day and night at the same time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can see why you are leaving him. How does he think he's going to keep a wife if he acts like this?

He must be a very lonely guy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but you've been dragging this out for over a year. If this comes as a surprise to him, he's very much in denial, and nothing would have prepared him for it until it actually slapped him in the face. 

If I was you, I'd just cut it off ASAP. Get it over with, then both of you can get on with your lives. I'm assuming you're talking about waiting till a fall harvest? Why? It's not your problem anymore. There will ALWAYS be another reason to stick around, if you let there be. 

C


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Sounds like your husband is a long lost soul. Just reading this doesn't take much to realize he has severe depression. He needs to get help -- both from a physical aspect and a mental aspect to determine what is causing him to not want any interactions with the human race.

I am not suggesting you stop the divorce -- I think though it won't be easy -- you sound strong and will survive.

I am not so sure about your husband --- don't take this as trying to lay guilt on you -- because you can't make him help himself -- until he admits that he has major problems -- and wants to fix himself.

Something may have happened in his life to trigger this lack of emotion with anyone -- maybe as a kid --- maybe later in life.

Why did his first wife leave ?? 

Wonder if she had the same problems with him you are facing.

Try to be strong -- and not cruel -- because your husband IMO is not really mentally or physically stable -- and needs help.

I know you are hurting -- but my suspicion is he is hurting the same if not more. The difference is you can express you emotions/feelings --- you husband for whatever reason(s) cannot.

Good luck !!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I can see why you are leaving him. How does he think he's going to keep a wife if he acts like this?
> 
> He must be a very lonely guy.


Actually, he is. I've tried to get him to hang out with friends and to do things without me, but he won't. He is very dependent on me and has stated that he can't live without me. I just can't be his "everything" like that.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> No offense, but you've been dragging this out for over a year. If this comes as a surprise to him, he's very much in denial, and nothing would have prepared him for it until it actually slapped him in the face.
> 
> If I was you, I'd just cut it off ASAP. Get it over with, then both of you can get on with your lives. I'm assuming you're talking about waiting till a fall harvest? Why? It's not your problem anymore. There will ALWAYS be another reason to stick around, if you let there be.
> 
> C


No problem - I don't take offense to what you've said. It's been hard to make this decision. I didn't want to let my family down and divorce is very frowned upon by most of them. Plus, I wanted to try and make sure I made every effort to make my marriage work. 

No, I'm not talking fall harvest. He is harvesting right now and should be done in the next few days. It's a very busy time for him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> No problem - I don't take offense to what you've said. It's been hard to make this decision. I didn't want to let my family down and divorce is very frowned upon by most of them. Plus, I wanted to try and make sure I made every effort to make my marriage work.
> 
> No, I'm not talking fall harvest. He is harvesting right now and should be done in the next few days. It's a very busy time for him.


Trust me, I know what you mean about not wanting to let the family down! I'm the first in my family to start down the separation/divorce path, on either side of mine or my STBXW's. Not easy at all! But my family has been very supportive; more so than I would have thought.

And I'm glad it's not a fall harvest! For your sake, if nothing else. I know when I went through my process, it was a HUGE weight off my shoulders when I finally came out and said that I wanted out. I'm sure it didn't do anything for my STBXW, but I felt better immediately after. It was the first step in improving my life. No way I could have held out for months.

Good luck!

C


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

jh52 said:


> Sounds like your husband is a long lost soul. Just reading this doesn't take much to realize he has severe depression. He needs to get help -- both from a physical aspect and a mental aspect to determine what is causing him to not want any interactions with the human race.
> 
> I am not suggesting you stop the divorce -- I think though it won't be easy -- you sound strong and will survive.
> 
> ...


His family life is not real good. His parents married young, I think his mom was 16. I think it was her way of getting away from her crazy family. His parents stayed together until him and his sister were out of school, but his mom cheated on his dad a few times, and then they finally divorced and she married a guy she was having an affair with who was the same age as my husband. She is still married to him. She has since pretty much cut ties with her kids. She still visits her daughter, but not much. She lives in the same town as my husbands ex wife and kids and treats the ex wife as if it is her own daughter. And, supposedly, when my h was married to her, his mom hated her. 

His mom was abusive. She would hit them a lot. His dad yelled and screamed a lot. So, no, he didn't every really develop emotionally and the one counselor we did see stated that. 

He does need help, but he's had 2 years with me to start getting help. I think I would've stuck with him through it if I saw he was actually trying to change. But, he never sticks with counseling or getting any kind of help.

He has told me he doesn't know how to stand up for himself without being an a**hole. That's why he plays "nice guy" until it kills him. But, even if he realizes some of it, he still doesn't get the help he needs.

I don't really know what happened with his ex. Like I said, he doesn't really share a lot of "serious" issues with me. He says they had sex, and they did enough to have 2 kids I guess. He has kind of said she was having an affair, but I could see why she could be drawn to that if their relationship was like ours. Not saying it's right, just saying. He was a trucker for a while, too, and I don't think he was around much. And, if he was as closed off to her as he is to me, then she must've been very lonely.

Thanks for the supporting words. I know I am strong and will get through this. I also know it won't be easy. It hasn't been easy to get to this point. But, telling my family makes it real and now gives me the support I need to follow through. Now, to find a place to live. A place I can afford. Kinda tough in a small town. Not many choices, but I'm going to start putting the word out as soon as I have my talk with him.

Headed home this afternoon.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Good luck.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, home now. Was very nervous driving home. However, he must still be harvesting, so not going to drop the bomb until that is done - knowing the hours he has to be up and alert. So, a few more days of anxiety about this. 

I feel I have my parent's blessing in doing this. I don't know why that matters so much to me, but it really does. My sister-in-law said "Screw them" (towards people that might judge my decision).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hang in there! It will be over soon, and you can start moving on.

C


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Since when is sitting on the fence and waiting things out for over a year doing anything productive? You could have been studying relationship books and delivering the material to your marriage in less of a direct way than MC or IC. Both forms of counseling can be seen as a personal attack if the situation is not carefully done.

To be honest it seems to me like you both married before you knew enough about relationships and brought bad coping skills to this one. You think he wouldn't love to cuddle up to you after a long day? I bet he would! But maybe something happened in his last relationship and now he's too afraid to expose his vulnerabilities. You think he doesn't love his kids? I know he does! But maybe he was afraid of what they would think of him having remarried. 

You see some stone-hearted and withdrawn mechanical man? Well I don't. I see a man who has been taught to hide his feelings from an early age and is still too torn up about his past mistakes to admit he's hurting. It's the same as service men, cops, and firefighters. He probably thinks opening up emotionally will lose your respect for him and so he masks it with anger and outbursts to push you away. I still regret I didn't open up to my wife until it was too late.

Look! You can callously divorce him if you think the temporary victory will soothe your hurt feelings, which it won't, or you can try a few things so at the very least you will know you actually did everything you could. What I would like to see from you.... I want you give him a present, not just any present, but a note explaining your every feeling and exactly why you are leaving AND a couple books on relationships like 'Divorce Remedy' and 'His Needs: Her Needs'. Wrap it in a pretty pink bow or hurl it through a window (no don't really). Then leave and give him time to pull out of this.

There are a lot of cold people here who will give you that "go on girl" crap you're looking for, but you're leaving a pretty damn good marriage because he failed to deliver on your expectations in a timely manor. There was no cheating or abuse, no alcohol or drugs, the only problem I see is that he could be a little more open emotionally. Us men are not that hard to open up and change if you give us a chance. I'm not telling you to stop this divorce if you feel it will make you feel better, I'm just telling you to show a little patience and give him a time limit before you go ahead and file. Sit on this for a while and read some of the stories about what really horrible marriages are like.... you're is pretty good.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> Since when is sitting on the fence and waiting things out for over a year doing anything productive? You could have been studying relationship books and delivering the material to your marriage in less of a direct way than MC or IC. Both forms of counseling can be seen as a personal attack if the situation is not carefully done.


I haven't sat on the fence and waited things out for over a year. I've done so much reading, thinking, talking, but nothing has helped. Helped me to think things through maybe, but not our marriage. MC was his call, not mine. After lots and lots of talking.



Nsweet said:


> To be honest it seems to me like you both married before you knew enough about relationships and brought bad coping skills to this one. You think he wouldn't love to cuddle up to you after a long day? I bet he would! But maybe something happened in his last relationship and now he's too afraid to expose his vulnerabilities. You think he doesn't love his kids? I know he does! But maybe he was afraid of what they would think of him having remarried.


You're right. He may have had things happen in his last relationship, but he won't share that with me. I know he loves his kids. But, he doesn't show that to me. 



Nsweet said:


> You see some stone-hearted and withdrawn mechanical man? Well I don't. I see a man who has been taught to hide his feelings from an early age and is still too torn up about his past mistakes to admit he's hurting. It's the same as service men, cops, and firefighters. He probably thinks opening up emotionally will lose your respect for him and so he masks it with anger and outbursts to push you away. I still regret I didn't open up to my wife until it was too late.


I don't see a stone-hearted man. And I'm sorry if that's how my comments came out. My h is a nice guy. I KNOW that he doesn't know how to express his feelings and I've said all the things you are saying here. I can see this in him, but it doesn't make things any easier to cope. At this point, we are good friends, but nothing else. Without sex, doesn't that just make us friends, not a married couple? I'm sure he will regret that he didn't open up until it was too late, but he's been given the chances and has chosen not to make changes. This is no way to live. 



Nsweet said:


> Look! You can callously divorce him if you think the temporary victory will soothe your hurt feelings, which it won't, or you can try a few things so at the very least you will know you actually did everything you could. What I would like to see from you.... I want you give him a present, not just any present, but a note explaining your every feeling and exactly why you are leaving AND a couple books on relationships like 'Divorce Remedy' and 'His Needs: Her Needs'. Wrap it in a pretty pink bow or hurl it through a window (no don't really). Then leave and give him time to pull out of this.
> 
> There are a lot of cold people here who will give you that "go on girl" crap you're looking for, but you're leaving a pretty damn good marriage because he failed to deliver on your expectations in a timely manor. There was no cheating or abuse, no alcohol or drugs, the only problem I see is that he could be a little more open emotionally. Us men are not that hard to open up and change if you give us a chance. I'm not telling you to stop this divorce if you feel it will make you feel better, I'm just telling you to show a little patience and give him a time limit before you go ahead and file. Sit on this for a while and read some of the stories about what really horrible marriages are like.... you're is pretty good.


I appreciate your advice and hearing your thoughts, but I have given this much thought, and prayer, and have done lots and lots of reading and talking and seeking of advice. I have given him chance after chance. I have put my foot down and told him things needed to change. I have told him how I feel in every manner possible. I've given him things to read. But, he is still closed off to me, and at this point my resentment has grown so large that I wasn't sure what to do. I've taken some time to myself and have made this decision to finally move out and try to continue my life without him. Am I making the right decision? I hope so. But, only God knows at this point.

I don't think I rushed into a relationship and married before I knew how to have a relationship. I've had many relationship that were very good. But, I was not at a place in my life where I wanted to be married. I tried to make the right decision in marrying him, and maybe I was wrong, and maybe I'm wrong now. but, living in this limbo is just not working for me anymore. I've never said my h was a bad person or a bad man. Just a hurt man. But, I can't do anything for him if he won't do anything for himself. 

My h was very open to me when we were dating, before the marriage. The marriage seemed to change him, shut him down. Being friends has never been a problem, but being lovers is. And, I want my h to be my lover.

My h is a very lonely man. And, he will be even lonelier when I am gone. But, I can't be responsible for all of that. He is 37 years old. He's a grown man. He needs to make some choices for himself if he wants to be happy.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

So he made the mistake of getting too comfortable and you enabled his addiction to that comfortable emotional shut down by not carrying through with your promises. He knew no matter how much you would b!tch and cry and scream you'd still be around at the end of the day. So leave and file for separation, go dark, enjoy yourself for a few months and see what happens. 

Before you close your heart off for good give him a due date about six months from when you leave to see if he will pull his head out of his @$$ and make the changes you wanted him to. I guarantee he'll be heartbroken at first but then you see a radical change after about two or three months. Don't give up! 

If you give up now you'll miss out on seeing what you really wanted him to become. And do you really want to go through all the hassle of having to date and train a whole new guy for a few years? Like I always say if you ladies want your man to be more attentive to your needs, more passionate in bed, more emotional, and a better guy..... all you have to do is break his heart and leave him. If you quit after he's made all these changes, then the next woman he meets will be sure to thank you.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

While I appreciate your thoughts, I know what I've done and not done for this marriage and only I have to answer for that. It sounds like you've made some mistakes in past relationships too. And learned from them and moved on. That's what I plan to do. Lots of thought and prayer have gone into this decision and it's mine to make. Yes I'm looking for some support and advice and your words have definitely made me think. But so have others.
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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I'm just trying to keep you from making a mistake I believe you may regret in a few years. If you really feel divorce is an easy out then go for it, but take your time being single to learn about yourself and grow instead of rebounding repeatedly. And keep going to IC! Trust me it helps a lot more than you think.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> I'm just trying to keep you from making a mistake I believe you may regret in a few years. If you really feel divorce is an easy out then go for it, but take your time being single to learn about yourself and grow instead of rebounding repeatedly. And keep going to IC! Trust me it helps a lot more than you think.


Have you actually read her threads? She's struggled with this for a year, given him choices to make and opportunities to work with her to fix things. And he hasn't stepped up to the plate at all.

C


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well after telling me he'd be home early tonight he gets home at 1130. I cooked supper since I'd been gone so long. Tried to do something nice. When he finally showed he said he wasn't hungry and that he tried to call and I didn't answer. More of the same. Off to bed for him. So tell me I'm wrong to demand more?
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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Another night of harvest and another night will go by without talking about this. He sent me a text this eve saying he is stressed about harvest so much he's making himself sick. So I can't add on top of that right this minute. 

Maybe this weekend there will be more down time
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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well harvest is over but I'm hanging with a girl friend tonight. So tomorrow would be the day. It's not going to go over well, but......

Since I've been home this week it's just confirmed my decision. We don't have anything to talk about besides regular small talk and I found his bank statements and he keeps going in the hole and not telling me. Also some bills that he hasn't paid for months but I've reminded him over and over and say I could pay them and he just gets angry. I just don't want to be in this anymore. I'm tired of being Alone in this marriage. I'm tired of being shut out of everything in his life. It's def time.
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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Although I have not responded to your thread, I have been keeping an eye out waiting for the post when you tell him.

I just want to say good luck and wish you the best tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow night you can sleep a little better even though it's just the start of the journey to the other side.

Thinking of ya!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Nsweet, read her other threads. She has tried everything that she can. It is time to let go, painful as that is. Limbo is hell.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> Although I have not responded to your thread, I have been keeping an eye out waiting for the post when you tell him.
> 
> I just want to say good luck and wish you the best tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow night you can sleep a little better even though it's just the start of the journey to the other side.
> 
> Thinking of ya!


Thank you! I appreciate the support!
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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Need some words of encouragement. Gonna have the talk today and am feeling major anxiety and panic. I have dealt with depression and anxiety and panic for years but finding it difficult to catch my breath today. I know I'm breaking his heart. I know I'm starting all over. But I also know it needs to be done. Just don't know how to bring it up today and if I'm strong enough to do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Lots of us here sending you strength and good, calming thoughts. This is the first step toward a new and better life. good luck.


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