# Privacy...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've noticed a lot of people here share tons with their S.O.s (even everything), and one thing that makes me go O.O is the fact that some even share email passwords/go into other's phones etc etc.

For me I keep my stuff passworded and secure, keep my email personal, my phone is my phone, mails addressed to me is only to be opened by me etc (although she opens mine from time to time and claims it was an accident -.- )

And I don't tell the missus everything that I do (I like my space). It's something that bugs her from time to time but most of the time she's content that I'm not hiding anything malicious (which I'm not). She doesn't tell me everything either and I have no reason to intrude into her life anymore then she wants me to know hence I always manage to use this as a leverage to make her accept the fact that I need my own privacy as well since I respect hers.

In your opinion, is this bad?


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

Well, I am of the opinion that in our marriage we shouldn't have anything to hide. I wouldn't hesitate to give my Husband all my passwords.

You did cheat, right? She has a right to trust but verify if you cheated.
In my opinion you have no right to privacy if you have cheated and want to reconcile.
If my husband cheated, you had bet I would be looking through all the his e-mails and facebook messages.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't think its a problem if thats how things have always been. Some people value privacy more than others.

With greater privacy I would guess you would need greater trust.

We used to use a very common password on almost all of our accounts so we could both access things. And of course sharing bills (cell phone plans) will usually save you money.

However, its usually a bad sign when a formerly open spouse starts to need more space and starts changing passwords, etc., etc.,


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> Well, I am of the opinion that in our marriage we shouldn't have anything to hide. I wouldn't hesitate to give my Husband all my passwords.
> 
> You did cheat, right? She has a right to trust but verify if you cheated.
> In my opinion you have no right to privacy if you have cheated and want to reconcile.
> If my husband cheated, you had bet I would be looking through all the his e-mails and facebook messages.


Cheating definitely changes things. Privacy doesn't work well with a lack of trust.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

When I first met my now Ex husband he did not even have a personal email address and he was still writting checks to pay bills(in Canada we are big on online banking). Since I was the one more up with computer technology, I signed him up on yahoo, facebook, linkedin, set up his online billing for different bills even though some of them were his bills paid by him most of time. He never ever objected if I accessed any of these but he also never asked me NOT to look at his email. About 2 years ago I even created this spreadsheet so we had all the passwords/usernames handy just in case one of us needed to do something online. So never any issue on that.

When his affair started all of a sudden he started changing passwords. First he changed his Marriott reward username(he was not really smart because he never changed the password) and that's because I later found 13 hotel stays at two local Marriotts, he put a password on his blackberry and he has never had one in more than 5 years and I have never had a reason to even look at that. He also started getting possessive over his cell phones(like taking them EVERYWHERE).

When I started suspecting the affair there was no trace left on any of the credit cards I had access to except to one that he just got end of 2009 and I had not put any of the info on our joint spreadsheet. Of course when I got into that I found plenty of proof of his affair.

So if privacy is something you have set out from the beginning fine but if you have cheated sorry you lost that priviledge.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> Well, I am of the opinion that in our marriage we shouldn't have anything to hide. I wouldn't hesitate to give my Husband all my passwords.
> 
> You did cheat, right? She has a right to trust but verify if you cheated.
> In my opinion you have no right to privacy if you have cheated and want to reconcile.
> If my husband cheated, you had bet I would be looking through all the his e-mails and facebook messages.


That was 4-5 years ago and before marriage which we have "mostly" already overcome. And even then it was a drunken one-night-stand with a 'friend' at a party that to be honest I don't even remember much of.



> I don't think its a problem if thats how things have always been. Some people value privacy more than others.
> With greater privacy I would guess you would need greater trust.
> We used to use a very common password on almost all of our accounts so we could both access things. And of course sharing bills (cell phone plans) will usually save you money.
> *However, its usually a bad sign when a formerly open spouse starts to need more space and starts changing passwords, etc., etc., *


Aye, but I've never changed in this.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> That was 4-5 years ago and before marriage which we have "mostly" already overcome. And even then it was a drunken one-night-stand with a 'friend' at a party that to be honest I don't even remember much of.
> 
> 
> 
> Aye, but I've never changed in this.


No - but you gave your wife reason to not trust you. I'm not sure what "almost" over things would mean.

I would say at this point, if your wife thinks its a problem, then its a problem.

Is this a change she's pushing for? If so, can you come up with a counter-offer, or some reasonable alternative?

Many people on this board feel that transparency is necessary with both partners to overcome something like this. I've not pushed as hard with my wife. She made a reasonable case for maintaining some privacy.

I don't go "nosing" through her phone, but she will show me what she's doing if I ask. I don't have her e-mail password, but she no longer closes the window on the computer if I peek over her shoulder. Basically - if I feel she's acting suspicious, she's been willing to put me at ease. But that won't work for everyone.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She's not pushing for a change in this, as she respects my space most of the time. What I did still resonates in her mind though yes (which she admitted recently), but she does trust (most of the time) that I'm not doing anything suspicious online - no offense to some who reads this; but I crack jokes and tell funny stories about online dating/hookups all the time, just not my thing.

And it's not like I go out of my way to hide my phone, and all my friends now are her friends, and she calls me up all time (annoyingly especially when it's busy), and she decided to help out every once in a while at work (which after a while got annoying too) so she knows I don't have relations with my female minions and sh-tkickers (sorry, just my terms I jokingly use for my 'underlings' at work heh).

So we've come far from that particular incident. Is it really still not enough?
However... I do close the minimise the window when she comes in (heck, I don't want her to log on and read everything I wrote here! Sure she will probably be flattered that I care about our marriage but heck! PRIVACY! Please!) Bah...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> And I don't tell the missus everything that I do (I like my space). It's something that bugs her from time to time but most of the time she's content that I'm not hiding anything malicious (which I'm not). She doesn't tell me everything either and I have no reason to intrude into her life anymore then she wants me to know hence I always manage to use this as a leverage to make her accept the fact that I need my own privacy as well since I respect hers.
> 
> In your opinion, is this bad?


 I don't think it is bad if you both feel the same way, wanting your space. This works for you. Beings you have been unfaithful (I like your honesty even if everyone keeps reminding you of this), I think it would be reasonable on your wife's part to want to know everything though. At least for a time.

In our marraige, we just always have been totally out there-overly Open in all things- in Everything as you say & seemed shocked by -that some couples do this. 

I have little care to get into his Facebook or he into mine , or each others emails, BUT we have all of our passwords on a peice of paper tucked away for safe keeping. I never need any space and he never seems to need his "cave".


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I don't think it is bad if you both feel the same way, wanting your space. This works for you. Beings you have been unfaithful (I like your honesty even if *everyone keeps reminding you of this*), I think it would be reasonable on your wife's part to want to know everything though. At least for a time.


I KNOW!!! O.O
What's with that! lol



> I think it would be reasonable on your wife's part to want to know everything though. At least for a time.


But then I'll never be able to log on here ever again and have my own little space to vent out everything on my mind and to learn how to better my marriage and even to express how much I actually admire and love the missus.



> In our marraige, we just always have been totally out there-overly Open in all things- in Everything as you say & seemed shocked by -that some couples do this.
> I have little care to get into his Facebook or he into mine , or each others emails, BUT we have all of our passwords on a peice of paper tucked away for safe keeping. I never need any space and he never seems to need his "cave".


It's just... hard to understand really for me for some reason.
Guess I've always been a somewhat shielded man in real life due to childhood traumas.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I guess I don't understand. If she's not pushing for it, then where is the problem?

The things she's done - like helping out at work - seem reasonable to me.

I would ease off any jokes about online dating.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's just that when I compare my marriage to others, which seem very strong, I noticed one big difference - completely open, absolutely no secrets. So I'm very curious about it, and whether or not it's something we should lean towards or not.

And don't worry mate, I don't make those jokes here obviously 
I know they can work out, a few friends of mine met their spouses online, it's just not my thing and personally I just find it well 'interesting' so to speak heh


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> It's just that when I compare my marriage to others, which seem very strong, I noticed one big difference - completely open, absolutely no secrets. So I'm very curious about it, and whether or not it's something we should lean towards or not.
> 
> And don't worry mate, I don't make those jokes here obviously
> I know they can work out, a few friends of mine met their spouses online, it's just not my thing and personally I just find it well 'interesting' so to speak heh


Misunderstood your online dating jokes - thought you were joking with your wife that you were doing a little browsing - glad I was wrong.

Honestly - one of the reasons that I haven't pushed for full transparency is that I also value my own privacy. I've mentioned this board to my wife on occaision, but never told her the name of the board. Sometimes when I post here I feel like I'm journaling, but receiving feedback.

My wife didn't want me to have her e-mail info because she'd been e-mailing female friends about our problems, and she probably still is. I'm sure she's written some things that would hurt me, but we have to have places to vent.

Its normal that this will "resonate" with your wife - she'll never forget it. But if your marriage started with a certain level of expected privacy, you've worked to rebuild her trust, AND she's not complaining, then I tend to think you're probably OK.

Best thing to do is to have this conversation with her.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I read that you had cheated and assumed it was in your current marriage not before, even if on your wife. I don't think this necessarily gives her reason not to trust you. There is a big difference between girlfriend and wife.

My husband and I dated for two years before we got married and we both saw others during that time. I wouldn't hold it against him or him against me.

We do not have any privacy between us as of now though. I even have access to his work email and he does mine. When we were in the beginning of this marriage it wasn't the case. We had everything separate. Now we have a joint banking account as well. Somehow everything got more open and it has brought us closer together. I had an emotional affair on him about six years ago, something he never thought I was capable of mind you, and that brought things to a head. After that he decided the only way for him to feel secure in the marriage was to combine and share everything.

Having said all this, I think it is a personal choice between the two of you and depends on how you both feel/think about it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, think I gotta stop comparing in this regard heh


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

My opinion is that you need your space and she needs her...My husband has his own computer and server down in the family room...He has his own friends as I have mine...I have my computer and server up in the Guest Room...I have my own passwords as he has his....I guess we just plain trust each other enough to be interested....Never even passed my mind that I should be suspect....Nor never will.....


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, think I gotta stop comparing in this regard heh


You are 26, correct? I think your marriage will begin to take a path on its own, most likely already is, and some of it will surprise and delight you with other things confusing and upsetting to you. If you could put a perfect marriage in a box and duplicate it we all would but since we're all so different it's near impossible.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, think I gotta stop comparing in this regard heh


If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 

Plus you never REALLY know what goes on in other people's marriages.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye you guys are correct.

"If ain't broke, fix it till it is!" 
Bad idea lol, nvm about this thread then, thanks however.


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

I really don't see why it's such a big deal. the way i see marriage, there's no such thing as privacy in there. you get a life partner because you want to share your entire life with them, not parts of it.
we have common passwords for all our accounts (easy targets =D you hack into one account and you rob us of everything~) but really, who would you trust with this information if not your life partner? keeping things from each other would only lead to suspicion. i respect that you need your space and all, though. that's just us. theres no "my space" and "his space" or my bank account or his bank account. only His cinnamon roll. never share the roll.
i even share these forum posts with him, helps us both that way. privacy's overrated, man. i wouldnt like it if he claimed his, it kind of insults me as his wife.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

i disagree with your idea on this...i believe that if you trust someone, you first of all- gain it, by demonstrating your trustworthy...and secondly-- you keep it, by demonstrating, your trustworthy...

if your in a long term exclusive relationship, imo there shouldnt be secrets...passwords should be shared, it keeps the trust solid, rather than sneaking around with secret passwords..all that does is lend suspicion, even if you are not doing anything wrong, things can look wrong, with certain circumstances. It is not a healthy thing to keep major things from your spouse or s.o. Like to me, you wouldnt have a secret bank account, there shouldnt be any need for hidden passwords. 

i know theres two schools of thought on this,.i really think if your not doing anything covert, there shouldnt be a problem being open and transparent in your relationship.

but hiding stuff just lends itself to doubt and suspicion...a text that comes in at a late hour, even if its innocent, if your keeping your privacy, it can cause doubt. If you really have nothing to hide, imo its much healthier and makes the relationship stronger if your open and out there with stuff


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Depends on the person. If she has history of insecurity, then she needs everything to be open and clear. If she doesn't, then she won't get so bothered. 

No matter what you do, it is about trust, if she trusts you the way you are dealing with everything, then it is fine. If she doesn't, then there are problems, ask your wife about it. If she is bothered that you are secretive, then you have to be more open. And after you are married, if you really trust her, why do you need to be secretive?

I like the way that my husband and I are totally open about each other. I feel really comfortable in front of him because I trust him 100%. He can access to my email account and forum account, vice versa. 

It has helped us through a test. In August, I was talking to people on a overseas Chinese forum, there is a sex section. I started talking about sex, and you know, Chinese are so conservative about sex, especially women, here comes a woman who talks about outdoor sex, kinky sex, and orgasms, grabbing my husband's cok when I sleep, men are just wild there. Then they start sending emails and private messages, and all these kind of thing, my husband doesn't mind it if I talk to people out on the forum, but he doesn't like private messages and emails. He found out what was going on right away since we are open about everything. I don't deny he was hurt, but he didn't become furious and throw a tantrum, he just dealt with it calmly, he understood that I got involved because I was stupid and naive. Anyway, he blocked that forum, he stopped that email account, everything cleared. And he asked me to find a different forum to go to, that's why I found TAM. Imagine, if my husband hadn't found out what had been going on, a big disaster would have happened. 

Sometimes some people get involved in sh*t stuff just because of pure curiosity! If the couple is open about everything, it is easy to avoid sh*t stuff to happen, spouses are responsible for each other's conduct!


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

sharing passwords should never be a problem, as long as the relationship is serious and you plan on being with that person in the future. If you have nothing to hide then you should make a list of all each others passwords if thats what she wants who cares. If your such a good trustworthy guy then it shouldn't matter. Me and my partner share all our passwords and have nothing to hide, meanwhile we still get our own alone time when we need it so no one feels smothered. It sounds like you have a lot to hide even if it is just Innocent flirting or dating it may be looked upon as a form of cheating in her eyes, and it really is..


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