# Unsure How to Proceed



## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

So, almost exactly a year ago I found out that my wife had had an affair with someone from work. It was more emotional than physical I believe, but they did end up on a bed making out until my wife stopped it. It was the third time they were together, the first they kissed, the second it went a little further and the third they ended up in a bed. (I have been able to fact check this with the help of the guys wife.) After I found out, I lost control of myself, up until then I had always considered myself a great husband and father. I am a stay-at-home dad and this is what I prided myself in. Do to the circumstances we are in, it was almost impossible to move out with my kids and so I stayed. Well, I turned to drinking (please for the love of God, don't follow in my footsteps) and for about 8 months I went on one hell of a bender. It affected my work (stay-at-home dad) and in the span of a year I could no longer say I was either a good husband or a good father. I quit the heavy drinking, but have yet to have focused on myself. 

In a few months we will be moving and I am hoping that a change of scenery gets me out of my funk. I know I am not happy right now, but like most stay-at-home spouses, I have put my life into being the family man while putting my personal growth on the side and up until a year ago I was perfectly fine with this. Now I have no direction in my life. I can't honestly say with certainty that I love my wife anymore and it kills me. Just this last weekend she went on a girl's vacation and I felt happier with her gone. With that being said, if we could make this work I know my life would be happier getting to be with my kids all of the time instead of having to split them up and missing birthdays and Christmases. Part of me wants to stay because even though I am no longer as happy as I was, I know life could be worse. I figure the longer I stay, then maybe things will get back to normal. I've always heard that it takes two years to get back to normal after both parties decide to work on fixing the marriage. If I give it that much time though, I will be pushing 40 and the thought of having to start over terrifies me. Every time I have looked into what it is like dating now and it's just overwhelming. I just don't know what to do. 

Any advice from people who have been in this situation would be great. The end goal is to be happy and still married of course, but I believe the secondary goal is to be married before being happy for my kid's sake. (I know, I know staying married for kids is not a great idea, but at the same time, both my wife and I are very loving in front of them.)


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Your life will not be better staying. Ever. Look at your 8 month bender as proof. The once a year events, that have less significance as they get older, are not even close to being worth your happiness. I have no idea whether your wife is telling the truth or the marriage is salvageable. I am telling you, without hesitation, your life will be infinitely better leaving than staying if the marriage is failed. Stay on good terms with your wife. Be able to even share time if you don't want to miss stuff. Just get out if that is what you have to do. Get alimony get a job and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Right off, my man, I've identified the problem that caused your wife to seek out other men.

_"I am a stay-at-home dad and this is what I prided myself in." 
_
Do you know how many stay at home dads get cheated on? Most of them. I've said before if you want the female's love and respect while she hunts and you hang around the den, you need to be a lion. 
Now you tell us you've become a drunk. How much bull**** do you think a woman will tolerate before completely losing all respect and love for you.
But its a little late for any advice. If your wife had a requisite amount of love and respect left, she would have never went to bed with this guy. (and if both you and his wife believe they didn't have sex, stay out of Vagas. You'll get cleaned out). But since ya'll are moving, at least she's keeping you around as a babysitter while her needs a likely being met, or will be met, elsewhere.
There may be a 1% chance you can restore your marriage, and I'm probably overly optimistic but it would, among other things, require you to take off the apron and get a job. Use the money to hire a friggin babysitter or maybe allow her to stay home if she desires.
I know its a awful sacrifice for you SAHDs, but look at it like this, if she boots your azz out your probably going to have to get off you azz and go to work anyway.
Other than that, I'm highly sympathetic to the plight of SAHDs. You can probably tell.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Girls vacation? 

She destroys the marriage and she goes on a girls vacation? I brother she has no respect for you. 

Your first mistake was choosing to be a SAHD all those years ago. Women have been conditioned by thousands of years of social evolution to be supported by the male. I don't know how she sucked you into this arrangement but it is the main reason she cheated on you. She has no respect for you. 

Get a job or go back to school. That is the first thing you need to do. Stop whining about how scared you are. Forty is better than fifty. Get cracking. 

Oh, and they did have sex. Many times. Many many times. Cheaters always lie. You know in your gut she did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

Herschel said:


> I have no idea whether your wife is telling the truth or the marriage is salvageable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am pretty sure I know the whole truth. The other guy's wife and I were able to get the truth by bouncing what they were saying off of each other. How it stopped and why was one of the things that we asked each of them. 

My wife and I have been able to, and because of our personalities will be able to, keep things very civil and friendly. We've had talks of separation and divorce and she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me getting custody of the kids. 

I just don't know about throwing away everything we had/have/and will have for what amounts to a tremendous mistake. I considered myself extremely lucky to have found my wife because not only is she beautiful, but she is (and I still think this after everything) the nicest person I have ever met in my life. She thinks about everyone before herself. She screwed up and she screwed up bad and she knows it. I really do feel that if it was just that things might be okay, but with my drinking bender, I was a horrible person. I never would have thought I was capable of doing the things I did. It never turned physical, but looking back, I definitely emotionally abused her. It's hard for me to imagine that between the two things (her cheating and my emotional abuse) that we could make it work even though we both say we want to.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Girls vacation?
> 
> She destroys the marriage and she goes on a girls vacation? I brother she has no respect for you.
> 
> ...


Bandit is on the money.

Girls vacation? How did she earn that?

And if she admitted to kissing, well it went a lot further than that.

The guy's wife know what her H told her. And I'm sure he never lies to his W.

And your wife. Do you really believe her? Really?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MTFTP said:


> I am pretty sure I know the whole truth. The other guy's wife and I were able to get the truth by bouncing what they were saying off of each other. How it stopped and why was one of the things that we asked each of them.
> 
> My wife and I have been able to, and because of our personalities will be able to, keep things very civil and friendly. We've had talks of separation and divorce and she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me getting custody of the kids.
> 
> I just don't know about throwing away everything we had/have/and will have for what amounts to a tremendous mistake. I considered myself extremely lucky to have found my wife because not only is she beautiful, but she is (and I still think this after everything) the nicest person I have ever met in my life. She thinks about everyone before herself. She screwed up and she screwed up bad and she knows it. I really do feel that if it was just that things might be okay, but with my drinking bender, I was a horrible person. I never would have thought I was capable of doing the things I did. It never turned physical, but looking back, I definitely emotionally abused her. It's hard for me to imagine that between the two things (her cheating and my emotional abuse) that we could make it work even though we both say we want to.


So, it's not at all possible that your W and OM compared notes on what to say to you and his W ?

Not a chance?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

My wife and I have been able to, and because of our personalities will be able to, keep things very civil and friendly. We've had talks of separation and divorce and she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me getting custody of the kids.


I really think you need to get a job or go to school, you need to make yourself attractive to your wife again, are you not wanting to work?
How old are the kids, school age?
You really need to get up and do something for yourself, outside of being home all day.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

Malaise said:


> So, it's not at all possible that your W and OM compared notes on what to say to you and his W ?
> 
> Not a chance?


Unless, they planned on getting caught ahead of time, I don't think so. The other wife and I got to talking early one day and we were able to get answers from both of them. From my end my wife wasn't near her phone when everything came to light.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

Lostme said:


> My wife and I have been able to, and because of our personalities will be able to, keep things very civil and friendly. We've had talks of separation and divorce and she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me getting custody of the kids.
> 
> 
> I really think you need to get a job or go to school, you need to make yourself attractive to your wife again, are you not wanting to work?
> ...


I do go to school and am within a year of getting my degree. I had no issues being a stay-at-home dad and I don't believe like many have said that she lost respect for me because of it. My youngest starts school next August and that has been the plan all along. It wasn't just a financial issue. It was having one of us at home to raise our kids. 

The reason for me choosing to be the stay-at-home dad was that it made more sense for me to leave my job than it did for her, and for the most part this has been very true.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MTFTP said:


> I do go to school and am within a year of getting my degree. I had no issues being a stay-at-home dad and *I don't believe like many have said that she lost respect for me because of it. *My youngest starts school next August and that has been the plan all along. It wasn't just a financial issue. It was having one of us at home to raise our kids.
> 
> The reason for me choosing to be the stay-at-home dad was that it made more sense for me to leave my job than it did for her, and for the most part this has been very true.


Then did she offer any kind of explanation for the affair?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you want my $0.02, get a job. Anything. Work from home, work part time, whatever you can do. If you had training or a profession before the kids came along, dust it off, update it, and see if you can spin it into work you can do while staying with the kids. Put your earnings into an account solely in your name. If you decide to leave, you'll need the money. If you stay, you can use it for a vacation or the kids college or something.

Working will help give you additional purpose, direction, and feelings of accomplishment beyond the role of husband and father. Working will keep you at least somewhat in touch with the world out there beyond the kids and household. You may even get to speak in full sentences to other adults regularly! Besides, kids don't stay little forever and you'll want to be able to say you've worked in some capacity and kept your skills updated when the kiddies are older and you return to the workforce. Which you'll want to do either for financial reasons, to keep from going insane with boredom, or both.

Take up a new hobby. Something "silly" or "odd" like learning to play an instrument for the first time or teaching yourself how to do leaded glass.

If you aren't fit or could use some improvement, start working out. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant.

Doing something productive seperate from being dad and maintaining the household will help restore your confidence and sense of self. You may find yourself better able to deal with the infidelity and reconciling once you are more fulfilled and feeling better about you personally and your life as a whole.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

Malaise said:


> Then did she offer any kind of explanation for the affair?


She was at a school and things between us were pretty bad while she was gone. Lots of fighting. She then starting talking to this guy about her problems and they became close. She let things get out of hand and it was exceptionally out of character for her.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Which leads to the next question. Next time things get 'bad' will you trust her not to repeat?


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If you want my $0.02, get a job. Anything. Work from home, work part time, whatever you can do. If you had training or a profession before the kids came along, dust it off, update it, and see if you can spin it into work you can do while staying with the kids. Put your earnings into an account solely in your name. If you decide to leave, you'll need the money. If you stay, you can use it for a vacation or the kids college or something.
> 
> Working will help give you additional purpose, direction, and feelings of accomplishment beyond the role of husband and father. Working will keep you at least somewhat in touch with the world out there beyond the kids and household. You may even get to speak in full sentences to other adults regularly! Besides, kids don't stay little forever and you'll want to be able to say you've worked in some capacity and kept your skills updated when the kiddies are older and you return to the workforce. Which you'll want to do either for financial reasons, to keep from going insane with boredom, or both.
> 
> ...


This is great advice. I don't understand, are you telling me that people in the world talk in complete sentences? I've already moved money that I receive monthly from our joint account into an account I opened in case of separation. I've recently started "working" on my myself and working out (more than just running) was the first thing I did. I've also started taking little photography trips without my oldest (she likes to go with me) to get some alone time. I have already started looking for jobs for when we move.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

Malaise said:


> Which leads to the next question. Next time things get 'bad' will you trust her not to repeat?


This has been one of my big concerns. I do trust her not to repeat. We have come up with rules to prevent it from happening. She set the rule that basically when she does have to go out for business she becomes a recluse. I know this sounds cliche, but it was almost a perfect storm of things that happened that led her down that road. I'm not passing the blame from her, she is 100% to blame and should have handled things differently.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

I'm heading outside to grill dinner. I picked a bad time to start this thread. I'll be back later tonight.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why are you insulting people who are trying to help you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

"We just made out!"

Bullsh*t.

She's lying.

Get a job and file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Why are you insulting people who are trying to help you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure what you are talking about.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> "We just made out!"
> 
> Bullsh*t.
> 
> ...


Pretty sure that I know the whole truth of what happened since I was able to bounce what I was being told with what the guy was telling his wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MTFTP said:


> I do go to school and am within a year of getting my degree. I had no issues being a stay-at-home dad and I don't believe like many have said that she lost respect for me because of it. My youngest starts school next August and that has been the plan all along. It wasn't just a financial issue. It was having one of us at home to raise our kids.
> 
> The reason for me choosing to be the stay-at-home dad was that it made more sense for me to leave my job than it did for her, and for the most part this has been very true.


Get your degree, use your income to pay for a fantastic day care, get your own career going, and I think your mojo will come back. 

In the meantime, read No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, and then Married Man Sex Life Primer, in that order. Use those books' instructions religiously.

As far as your wife, tell us what demands you have put in place. Did she change jobs? If she won't leave the job where her AP is, take her up on her offer to divorce and give you 100% custody.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MTFTP said:


> This has been one of my big concerns. I do trust her not to repeat. *We have come up with rules to prevent it from happening.* She set the rule that basically when she does have to go out for business she becomes a recluse. I know this sounds cliche, but it was almost a perfect storm of things that happened that led her down that road. I'm not passing the blame from her, she is 100% to blame and should have handled things differently.


Last question.

How are these 'rules' more potent than wedding vows?


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> MTFTP said:
> 
> 
> > I do go to school and am within a year of getting my degree. I had no issues being a stay-at-home dad and I don't believe like many have said that she lost respect for me because of it. My youngest starts school next August and that has been the plan all along. It wasn't just a financial issue. It was having one of us at home to raise our kids.
> ...


There is no more contact with the guy. They only knew each other from the school. They work in different states. She had to remove all contacts she knew from the school. She's like a teenager having to check in all the time and she can only drink with me around. She was good with all of these and proposed a few. 

As far as getting a job, it's practically impossible where we are at, but once we move it'll be a lot easier.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

Malaise said:


> MTFTP said:
> 
> 
> > This has been one of my big concerns. I do trust her not to repeat. *We have come up with rules to prevent it from happening.* She set the rule that basically when she does have to go out for business she becomes a recluse. I know this sounds cliche, but it was almost a perfect storm of things that happened that led her down that road. I'm not passing the blame from her, she is 100% to blame and should have handled things differently.
> ...


Honestly, they aren't. I know that and she does too. At the end of the day, it comes down to having to rebuild that trust. She is definitely a changed person since that trip. What happened almost destroyed her personality.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MTFTP said:


> Honestly, they aren't. I know that and she does too. At the end of the day, it comes down to having to rebuild that trust. She is definitely a changed person since that trip. What happened almost destroyed her personality.


And yet, the girls vacation.

How did she earn the trust to do that?


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

Malaise said:


> MTFTP said:
> 
> 
> > Honestly, they aren't. I know that and she does too. At the end of the day, it comes down to having to rebuild that trust. She is definitely a changed person since that trip. What happened almost destroyed her personality.
> ...


Once a year and we've been doing this since we were married we get to take a weekend for ourselves. To me it was a good test to see how I'd be when we are separated. I also got to take mine earlier this year.


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## rafaelandy (May 8, 2013)

mtftp,

with all due respect to some of the advice given, if you really want to work things out with her, then give it your very best effort. 

if you believe your wife didn't have sex with the other guy, then believe it 100%. don't entertain anymore any thoughts that she is not telling you everything. it will just eat you up from the inside. any effort in recovering will be hampered by doubts. 

MAKE THE DECISION - if you decide to stay and give your marriage another shot, go for it and stick with that decision. don't linger and think of anything else anymore. the longer you stay in "limbo", the longer your agony and confusion will be, and the bigger chance your marriage will eventually not work out.

have a serious talk about what happened, and find out the contributing factors that lead her to the point of having an affair. yes, the decision to have that affair is 100% on her (she alone made that wrong choice), but the circumstances within your marriage before the affair is 50 / 50. that is where you should jointly work together - resolving the issues in your marriage before the affair.

BUT both of you have individuall issues to deal with at the same time. your drinking, lack of direction, out of focus, etc. fix it ASAP. FIX YOURSELF. with regards to being a stay-at-home dad, i think there's nothing wrong with that. it's not easy taking care of your kids and house personally. BUT i agree - get a job for yourself. this is for your own security "just in case". 

with regards to her personal issues, she alone can fix them. nobody can make or prevent her from doing anything if she decides to do it. 

based on your story, i think your marriage still has a shot. just be more aware of the "red flags". 

IF in an unfortunate turn of events she does it again (affair) - END THE MARRIAGE. period.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

MTFTP said:


> She was at a school and things between us were pretty bad while she was gone. Lots of fighting. She then starting talking to this guy about her problems and they became close. *She let things get out of hand and it was exceptionally out of character for her*.


MTFTP,

Exactly what I thought when I caught my cheating. I just could not wrap my head around the reality that she would go thru with meeting some POSOM at a hotel for sex.

However, "out of character"? The truth was she had been serially cheating with multiple OM for the last 7 years of our marriage. 

Don't be too quick to assume this is the first time she has cheated on you. Rarely, is the first affair the one caught, just the first one discovered. Cheaters are liars by very definition.

BTW, that bull about being alone and just kissing then stopping out of shame or guilt is just pure folly. Mentally, she had already crossed that line. They had Sex.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MTFTP said:


> Pretty sure that I know the whole truth of what happened since I was able to bounce what I was being told with what the guy was telling his wife.


Just be glad these two lovebirds didn't think about getting together and coordinating the stories they'd tell their spouses ahead of time.


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## MTFTP (Aug 14, 2016)

rafaelandy said:


> mtftp,
> 
> with all due respect to some of the advice given, if you really want to work things out with her, then give it your very best effort.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice, I really know that I need to choose one way or the other and just put everything into that decision. As soon as we move I am going to get a job and I have finally started working on improving myself. We have talked quite a bit about resolving problems that we had before the affair. I have no issues being a stay-at-home dad despite what people will say. I will happily take having a great relationship with my kids if it works for our family. 

I do understand why some people are quick to say once a cheater or to say she is clearly lying in what she told you, but I also know my situation and in this situation it is not the case. If I was really worried about it happening again, her girl's weekend wouldn't have happened. I just struggle with getting past it happening. 

I was aware of the red flags, but chose to ignore them. That was my mistake and it definitely won't happen again. 

As for it happening again, she knows that there is no second chance. I would be gone before she would be able to finish telling me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Girls vacation?
> 
> *She destroys the marriage and she goes on a girls vacation?* I brother she has no respect for you.
> 
> ...


Talk about no remorse. Going on a "girls" vacation after what she's done? Where's she going. Vegas?

I agree about being a SAHD. It's a recipe for disaster for men. Over a hundred thousand years of humanoid of evolution can't be undone by a few decades of liberal social engineering. Woman expect their man to provide and protect them. If she's providing for you and you're a drunken waste she will not respect that. Hence the search for a man. 

As for not having sex, you know in your gut that's a lie. I wouldn't be surprised if she cut you off, so she can be loyal to her man. Or if you were still having sex, it was cold and distant duty sex.

Get yourself prepared to leave and support yourself. The courts are not as generous to SAHDs as they are to SAHMs.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am sorry you are going through this. It has been rough on all of you it sounds like. If you want to stay, consider doing things to specifically rekindle your love and nurture it and help it to grow. If there is still some there, it can grow again. It really can be worth it. You both need to give it a 100% though.

I'm assuming she feels terrible for what she did? Sounds like you do too. Has she cut all ties with her AP? If you both have decided to forgive and move on, really put your hearts and effort into it. Start to date her again. Focus in your mind on all the reasons you had fallen in love in the first place.

I also agree that it takes a long time, and with the drinking reaction time factored in, it may take you both a little longer. This is something that you can overcome and salvage your marriage and family if you both want that. 

You would most likely benefit from MC and or IC.

I genuinely hope you can make it work. The option to divorce will still be there, as will the overwhelming dating scene. You don't want to look back and think "I should have tried harder."

I wish you all the best.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I just got caught up on all the other replies (I fell asleep last night before I hit "Submit" on my post, and I wasn't very far in). 

Of course she can be telling the truth about how far it went. It sounds like her conscience wouldn't let her have sex with him. There are plenty of decent people who get caught up in very bad things.

I totally see the side of that she could have lied about how far it went and they could have collaborated stories. Also, she could have not let it get that far, and stopped it when it was going to happen...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MTFTP said:


> Pretty sure that I know the whole truth of what happened since I was able to bounce what I was being told with what the guy was telling his wife.


So you'd believe not only one likely liar but two?

You need a f*cking job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> So you'd believe not only one likely liar but two?


Neither does old MT understand womanese when she told him, " she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me (him) getting custody of the kids" meaning "it would suit me fine if you and the kids moved out so I would be unencumbered and it would be worth the cost for that to happen".


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MTFTP said:


> Once a year and we've been doing this since we were married we get to take a weekend for ourselves. To me it was a good test to see how I'd be when we are separated. I also got to take mine earlier this year.


You got to take yours because you didn't cheat.

Not getting hers was a consequence she didn't get.

Carrot / stick.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I am a bit confused. 

How did you find out about the affair? How long was it before you found out?

If she told you about it, or if the OM told his wife, then they have had ample time to communicate and come up with a story together. If they were in bed together sans clothing, there was a hell of a lot more to it than just kissing.

If she has said she will be OK with you divorcing, you getting 100% custody and paying you alimony, then something is very wrong with this woman. I understand that a cheating wife who has zero respect for her husband would be OK with divorce and possible alimony, but voluntarily giving up custody of her children does not sound right.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> I understand that a cheating wife who has zero respect for her husband would be OK with divorce and possible alimony, but voluntarily giving up custody of her children does not sound right.


Don't be surprised if MT comes back with, "found out her affair has been physical for months and they met up while she was on vacation". We've run into the SAHD multiple times and it ain't pretty.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MTFTP said:


> So, almost exactly a year ago I found out that my wife had had an affair with someone from work. It was more emotional than physical I believe, but they did end up on a bed making out until my wife stopped it. It was the third time they were together, the first they kissed, the second it went a little further and the third they ended up in a bed. (I have been able to fact check this with the help of the guys wife.) After I found out, I lost control of myself, up until then I had always considered myself a great husband and father. I am a stay-at-home dad and this is what I prided myself in. Do to the circumstances we are in, it was almost impossible to move out with my kids and so I stayed. Well, I turned to drinking (please for the love of God, don't follow in my footsteps) and for about 8 months I went on one hell of a bender. It affected my work (stay-at-home dad) and in the span of a year I could no longer say I was either a good husband or a good father. I quit the heavy drinking, but have yet to have focused on myself.
> 
> In a few months we will be moving and I am hoping that a change of scenery gets me out of my funk. I know I am not happy right now, but like most stay-at-home spouses, I have put my life into being the family man while putting my personal growth on the side and up until a year ago I was perfectly fine with this. Now I have no direction in my life. I can't honestly say with certainty that I love my wife anymore and it kills me. Just this last weekend she went on a girl's vacation and I felt happier with her gone. With that being said, if we could make this work I know my life would be happier getting to be with my kids all of the time instead of having to split them up and missing birthdays and Christmases. Part of me wants to stay because even though I am no longer as happy as I was, I know life could be worse. I figure the longer I stay, then maybe things will get back to normal. I've always heard that it takes two years to get back to normal after both parties decide to work on fixing the marriage. If I give it that much time though, I will be pushing 40 and the thought of having to start over terrifies me. Every time I have looked into what it is like dating now and it's just overwhelming. I just don't know what to do.
> 
> Any advice from people who have been in this situation would be great. The end goal is to be happy and still married of course, but I believe the secondary goal is to be married before being happy for my kid's sake. (I know, I know staying married for kids is not a great idea, but at the same time, both my wife and I are very loving in front of them.)


Yeah. Staying drunk for an extended period of time doesn't really help.

However, you can get through this.

Counselling can help -individual and couple's- are both helpful.

I hope you and your wife can get your stuff together, I really do.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

The problem is your a stay at home dad, that has offered no consequences of whatsoever for her infedelity.

First off she should have been made to leave the job, second of all you allow her to go on a girls weekend? That ship should have been sunk the moment she cheated. How do you know she went away with the girls? Even if she did its about offering up consequences and this would be a consequence of her infedility.

Do you realise how weak you sound when you state i didn't leave cause i rely on her for finances. 

Visit a lawyer find out your rights and start making an exit plan. You will probably be entitled to spousal maintenance and child support thereby putting you in a greater financial situation than you are now.

As a previous poster stated be a Lion not a domesticated wimp.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Girls vacation?
> 
> She destroys the marriage and she goes on a girls vacation? I brother she has no respect for you.
> 
> ...


Sorry dude, bit Bandit is right here. She f*cked that guy good, many times.

The saddest part is you think she went on a girl's holiday. She was screwing the guy. Where was he at the same time. Call his work and ask if he was in the office that week. I bet my left nut he wasn't.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> The problem is your a stay at home dad, that has offered no consequences of whatsoever for her infedelity.
> 
> First off she should have been made to leave the job, second of all you allow her to go on a girls weekend? That ship should have been sunk the moment she cheated. How do you know she went away with the girls? Even if she did its about offering up consequences and this would be a consequence of her infedility.
> 
> ...


Yeah F it If women can leave and cash in, why can't you. Use the crooked law to your advantage, but get proof of the affair. VAR everything and get her to admit it on tape during an argument. VAR her car too, especially when she isn't expecting it.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Getting the degree and your own career is paramount to future relationships, or this current one if it can be salvaged. Women may disagree publicly with this but I've read the results of two different studies and both overwhelmingly concluded that women don't respect stay at home dads. When you assume the matriarch role in the relationship, they see you as a weak partner and will subconsciously start looking at "stronger" males as potential partners. It doesn't mean they'll cheat, it does mean they'll look, even if they're not aware they're doing it. Divorce rate for stay at home dads is almost double the normal rate.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MTFTP said:


> Honestly, they aren't. I know that and she does too. At the end of the day,* it comes down to having to rebuild that trust*. She is definitely a changed person since that trip. What happened almost destroyed her personality.


Another question based on this:

The trust has not been rebuilt, it's ongoing. And yet she still goes on the girls trip.

A lot of us think the trip should not have happened until, as you say, the trust has been rebuilt. Not after a few months. 

If she was remorseful, it seems to me, she would have volunteered to drop the trip. 

Was the affair exposed? What were the consequences ? Just the 'rules'?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I don't understand how she could be emotionally connected to you AND her children and "be fine" with paying spousal support, child support and giving up primary custody. Are you exggertiting? 

On bed and just kissing but she stopped it? Like "everything but sex" this means nudity, kissing, extreme petting, oral sex, everthimg but PIV or PIA. 

Your response was to engage in heavy drinking. How did she cope with this?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

Curious how your sex life was with your WW before D-day ? Often a WW will stop having sex with their BH during an A, or just give some infrequent duty sex.

If she was still having sex with you during the time of her A, then you need to get tested for STD's, because most likely she was having sex with the POSOM.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

At this point most posters are of the view there is a lot more then you know and your marriage is dead. But that might not be true. You need to share more info and learn more about marriage in general and infidelity in detail. What are triggers? What is regret vs remorse. What are boundaries? What is trickle truth? What is the roller coaster? At this point the only sure thing we know is your marriage is in crissis and if not addressed you will divorce. 

To start: How was your intimacy level before this trip? What has your interaction between the two of you since then? Your drinking is it under control? How much despair and damage has it caused?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You have your cheating wife on a pedestal and don't want to knock her off it. You think she's beautiful, the best looking girl you'll be able to get, I mean, you're almost 40, so what hot chick will want to bang an old fart, right? Especially a guy who's annual salary is $0. 

She isn't into you. You are only into her because you don't want change. 

Get a job and work towards becoming independent. Like everyone is saying, your W has no respect for you. 

What consequences did you give her for the affair? The saying around here is you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. That's what needs to happen. 

I pay $450/month for my 4 year old to go to pre-school 5 days a week at our local public elementary school. You can do the same until kindergarten. They get to learn all kinds of skills and will be far ahead of the kids that stayed home with their parents for their first 4 years of life.

I'm also curious on how frequent the sex was in the last 5 years. How's it been since the affair?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

The OP came to us for help, and we have mostly degraded him and severely chastised him. Has anyone noticed that he stopped replying? I would have too if the majority of the responses were this cruel to my initial post.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MTFTP, sorry that you are here. Here are my thoughts:


I am more concerned at your apparent naivety than anything else. Either there is more to this than you have said or you are very naive.

Your only reason for believing her story is because … and wait for this … HER STORY MATCHES THAT OF THE POS SHE CHEATED WITH !!!!! Are you serious ? You cannot be this naive surely ?!?!?

What grown up starts kissing and messing around and then ends up in bed (presumably naked) but doesn't have sex ?!?!? 

You need to start dealing with your issues and they are mainly that you cannot see what is staring you in the face. While it may be endearing in some circles to be this naive, in a marriage where there is infidelity, this is lethal!

If what you have said is accurate, then not only has she slept with this guy, but she knows that she can do it again anytime in the future with anyone else without any real consequences. 

And she will get better and better at concealing it and manipulating you into taking care of the kids while she takes care of getting her rocks off!!!!

You really need to stop believing her and start taking control of your life.

How did you discover the affair ?


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

MTFTP said:


> She was at a school and things between us were pretty bad while she was gone. Lots of fighting. She then starting talking to this guy about her problems and they became close. She let things get out of hand and it was exceptionally out of character for her.


Poor boundaries don't just come out of nowhere.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> Neither does old MT understand womanese when she told him, " *she was okay with the idea of paying alimony and child support with me (him) getting custody of the kids"* meaning "it would suit me fine if you and the kids moved out so I would be unencumbered and it would be worth the cost for that to happen".


Wow, I read right past that. That is a very big negative. It means she wants out of not only of the marriage but the whole family. She wants to live the single life unencumbered like she was doing while away at school. 

I feel bad for the OP. He's in such a bad situation. There is very little help or sympathy for men. When he hits the job market again, he's going to run into a lot of people that will not respect that. Even women are given a hard time when they reenter the job market but a man will find little sympathy.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Spicy said:


> The OP came to us for help, and we have mostly degraded him and severely chastised him. Has anyone noticed that he stopped replying? I would have too if the majority of the responses were this cruel to my initial post.


Its the nature of the beast Spicy. Men, and especially the more alpha men, don't have a lot of patients with self elected SAHDs whining about how their wives are out running around and they don't want to change their lifestyle to stop it. Personally, I've known too many slugs in my life that choose the light lifting while expecting the women do the work.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Spicy said:


> The OP came to us for help, and we have mostly degraded him and severely chastised him. Has anyone noticed that he stopped replying? I would have too if the majority of the responses were this cruel to my initial post.


You have got to understand that he got more help here in those "chastising" posts than he would ever get anywhere else.

He has taken what we have said on board and is hopefully coming to some realisations around now. He may come back but he most certainly did get helped!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, here is so practical advice on how to rebuild your CV/Resume:
https://www.reed.co.uk/career-advice/how-to-explain-a-gap-in-your-cv/

Returning to work: Sample CV template and guide

https://leadersinheels.com/business/top-4-tips-resume-writing-career-break/

Explaining career gaps, career breaks, career test, training leave, cv template

Explain Your Sabbatical on Your Resume | Monster.com

https://www.theguardian.com/careers/returning-to-work-after-children-advice

How to update your CV and deal with the 'parenting gap' - Kidspot

I hope these links will provide you with some help and guidance.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> You have got to understand that he got more help here in those "chastising" posts than he would ever get anywhere else.
> 
> He has taken what we have said on board and is hopefully coming to some realisations around now. He may come back but he most certainly did get helped!


We can either use 2x4s to hit someone over the head repeatedly, or we can use them to help the BS build a new shelter.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

This thread shows what a lot of men really think about being a SAH-*mother*.

Telling @MTFTP to get off his butt and "get a job".

He has a job; looking after his home and kids. {I can hear the snickers and see the eyerolling; that's _woman's work_, it "doesn't count"}

^^^And that attitude, fellas, is why you got feminism

Careers and money and the power are the only things that "count".


---------------------------------------------------------

MTFTP, I think it was great that you stayed at home with your kids. The only way I would have thought it was "wrong", would have been if you put your family in financial hardship because of it.

Or, your wife had to come home, and do the laundry and fix dinner.

Barring that, you haven't done anything wrong.

If she has cheated, if you can't remain married to her; make sure you take her for every cent you can get in alimony and child support. 

If she really is willing to give up her children and give you full support (am I understanding that correctly?); I would think that she is having a full blown affair, or is planning to. What normally adjusted person would give up their kids like that?


And, you might want to get tested for STD's. Then again in 6 months. Don't have unprotected sex with her again. Tell her why.

I wish you the best of luck with going forward with your education and related career. There are professional resume writing services that can present your fathering and domestic managing skills to their best advantage.

Men have always been butlers, footmen, valets, chefs/cooks, schoolteachers, taxi-drivers and owned and operated laundromats.

It's only when these tasks and skills are performed at home for "free" ( and historically by women), that they are seen to be a lesser contribution.


One sad thing that seems to be evident; equal rights are not here. Women can go out in the work force and try to get the money, career standing and status that used to be the province of men. That's an achievement---to be "as good as a man".

But if men try to take the traditional domestic role; they're seen as shirkers and deadbeats. That's a descent----that's as "bad as being a woman."


I don't think your wife cheated on you (about a 90% chance she did, I would say)---because of her ancient cavewoman DNA, or whatever.

I think she did it because she's faithless and thought that because you were financially dependent at home; there wasn't a damm thing that you were gonna do about it.

Take good care of yourself and your kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anyone who thinks she cheated on him because he was a stay at home dad is mistaken.
*
She cheated on him because she is a cheater.*

Otherwise you would say: "Oh, she cheated on you because you are a Doctor, a bus driver, a cheese maker, a machinist, a writer, a..."

Cheaters cheat because they want to. Not because of their spouse's role in life.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Say what you want about a the merits of a SAHD but some of the same people (women/wives) who laud the "sacrifices" of SAHDs are the ones who are first to lose respect for a man who becomes a house-husband while she brings home the bacon; especially true when she's the one married to him.
To give exculpation to MT it would be nice if some of the women member chimed in and talk about how they wished they'd married a SAHD. Until then, I'm thinking a married girl hitched to a SAHD begins to feel like a single girl dating a guy living with his parents.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> This thread shows what a lot of men really think about being a SAH-*mother*.
> 
> Telling @MTFTP to get off his butt and "get a job".
> 
> ...


Every time its a SAHD, we hear all the same rhetoric. Its easy to forget that the overwhelming amount of men who come here with cheating wives were either the sole providers for their families (i.e., SAHM) or it was a situation where both spouses were working, and the wife still cheated, usually with someone at work.

Like MattMatt said Cheater cheat because they are cheaters.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Say what you want about a the merits of a SAHD but some of the same people (women/wives) who laud the "sacrifices" of SAHDs are the ones who are first to lose respect for a man who becomes a house-husband while she brings home the bacon; especially true when she's the one married to him.
> To give exculpation to MT it would be nice if some of the women member chimed in and talk about how they wished they'd married a SAHD. Until then, I'm thinking a married girl hitched to a SAHD begins to feel like a single girl dating a guy living with his parents.


you are right in a lot of cases (hypocrisy), but that only shows how far we have to go.

i've never been a SAHD or ever wanted to, but but i respect those who've chosen it by agreement and work hard at it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

barbados said:


> Every time its a SAHD, we hear all the same rhetoric. Its easy to forget that the overwhelming amount of men who come here with cheating wives were either the sole providers for their families (i.e., SAHM) or it was a situation where both spouses were working, and the wife still cheated, usually with someone at work.
> 
> Like MattMatt said Cheater cheat because they are cheaters.



But you cannot deny that the life dynamics of a SAHD are far different from those of a SAHM. A SAHM is not going to be looked down upon by the husband if she is doing her job as homemaker and being a great parent. A SAHD can be the best homemaker and parent anyone could ask for, and many times the wife will still lose respect for him. 

*Jerry123* is a perfect example, except that his wife doesn't give a sh!t about anyone but herself. The difference with *Jerry123* is that he no longer takes any crap from her and has found a way to be a whole and complete man in the mariage regardless of her negative attitude. 

I cannot recall one SAHD who has posted in any other forums than General, CWI or the Divorce forums. That says something. I have never seen one post in Long Term Success for Marriage.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The man being the provider of food, protection, and shelter has been hard coded into our DNA since the species emerged on the planet. It really does not matter that an logical agreement was reached where the husband would be a stay at home dad, the wife is subconsciously influenced by billions of years of evolution to not respect a man in this arrangement.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I lived the SAHD for 6 months after being made redundant. In the whole time I can count the number of times we were intimate on the hand growing out of my forehead. 
She lost all respect for me. I cooked, cleaned, took our kids to appointments, handed in resumes, made cold calls etc. 
the day I started working again her chronic tiredness, upset stomachs and every other excuse miraculously vanished. 
If you truly believe women respect a SAHD, I have a unicorn for sale if you're interested. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> you are right in a lot of cases (hypocrisy),* but that only shows how far we have to go.*
> 
> i've never been a SAHD or ever wanted to, but but i respect those who've chosen it by agreement and work hard at it.


Have fun. 

I'm not going anywhere.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Have fun.
> 
> i will
> 
> I'm not going anywhere.


me either


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My husband has jokingly suggested being a SAHD many times over the years. “Why don’t you get a raise so I can be a SAHD?” “If we hit the lottery, I’ll be a house husband”. Now, I know this is a joke, because J has never gone without work in the last 9 years. There WERE 2 times very early in our relationship that I was the sole provider for a few months when he did not have a job, but even then he did some ‘under the table’ work. Since our daughter was born 9 years ago, he has left jobs, but never before he’s had another lined up. Now, all of them haven’t paid the greatest, but he’s always at least had an income and we’ve worked through it. 

But, even knowing that he’s joking – when he says things like that, I feel my stomach turn. I do NOT want to be married to a SAHD. There is nothing that would turn me off more than that. I do not expect him to be the sole bread winner, nor do I expect him to make more than me and carry the household, but I do expect him to financially carry his weight. Especially with all of his hobbies and the way he likes to spend money. I did not marry a man to be his financier. Honestly, even if I found a job making 4X what I make now, I would STILL expect him to have a job and contribute. A long term SAHD would turn me off in almost every way – outside of maybe taking a year off to work on a degree or something like that. I hate to be sexist, but – it is what it is.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

LosingHim said:


> A long term SAHD would turn me off in almost every way – outside of maybe taking a year off to work on a degree or something like that. I hate to be sexist, but – it is what it is.


Thanks for admitting this. Most women would not admit it for fear of being labeled "not PC enough".

Again, this feeling is subconscious in all females. It is a genetic memory. Like a female cannot help the urge to "mother" offspring.

The other side of that coin is that even "enlightened" wives who have a SAHD back home are more open to being attracted to men they see as more powerful than the husband. Someone who could provide protection for her and her children better than the husband who, in their mind, provides none of this. I really think a SAHD has a wife who subconsciously resents him even if she does not tell him so.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> The OP came to us for help, and we have mostly degraded him and severely chastised him. Has anyone noticed that he stopped replying? I would have too if the majority of the responses were this cruel to my initial post.


You are right, of course.

But when you drop your car at the body shop for a prep and paint job.....and do not specify the color, you get Black.

TAM's advisors have a responsibility to get out the Truth.

Sometime the Truth comes across as a Backrub....other times on the end of an Arrow.

When the poster flees, do we rightfully suspect that indeed, "The Truth Hurts"?



If your heart has a hole in it, surgeons must first split open your chest to fix it. 

Does it hurt? Yes.

Can the surgeon fix it another way? Maybe, go in a vein in the leg with a special probe, push it up to the heart and sew it up. This is very iffy.

Life can be so cruel. People can be so cruel. But if you are not aware of the cruelty and the motives behind it. You are doomed to be the victim, again and again.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> you are right in a lot of cases (hypocrisy), but that only shows how far we have to go.


Whatju mean we (meaning men). Its the women folk that need a change in attitude to come around to your way of thinking. As for me, you can tell I have a lot of admiration for guys that choose take care of kids and do house work in the comfort of their home while their wives support them.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Then maybe we don't really want equality after all.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> Then maybe we don't really want equality after all.


No one ever wants equality ,they always want favoritism, be it gender, race, monetary, or social standing.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Out of the 31 years I have been in a relationship with my husband I was the sole earner for 3 of them.

I've made (slightly) more money for another couple of years, early on before he finished his training.

I haven't submitted to any instincts to have children.

My only problem with him staying home, is that before he quit his job he had insisted we move to a fancier condo and he had bought a car (that was too expensive in my opinion). But he ALWAYS gets his way. He's smart, he married a woman who is super physically attracted to him.

So, I will confess, I had anxious moments financially---because he's not financially disciplined.

But I could care less if he stays home. He's really good at it. 

If I could make enough money on my own, I'd love to have him stay home.

Of course, then I'd have the worries that men have always had about "milkmen" and UPS drivers; _not_ that he's a cheat, but he is awfully cute ... . .

If women can't respect a SAHH because it makes their stomach turn at the idea; then they should be equally okay with the idea that them being an ambitious career woman might make mens' stomachs turn.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Statistically, SAHDs are a lot more likely to get cheated on than average. Lack of respect leads to a sort of revenge by cheating.

OTOH, SAHMs and SAHDs are also have a high likely hood of being cheaters more than the average person.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> My husband has jokingly suggested being a SAHD many times over the years. “Why don’t you get a raise so I can be a SAHD?” “If we hit the lottery, I’ll be a house husband”. Now, I know this is a joke, because J has never gone without work in the last 9 years. There WERE 2 times very early in our relationship that I was the sole provider for a few months when he did not have a job, but even then he did some ‘under the table’ work. Since our daughter was born 9 years ago, he has left jobs, but never before he’s had another lined up. Now, all of them haven’t paid the greatest, but he’s always at least had an income and we’ve worked through it.
> 
> But, even knowing that he’s joking – when he says things like that, I feel my stomach turn. *I do NOT want to be married to a SAHD. There is nothing that would turn me off more than that.* I do not expect him to be the sole bread winner, nor do I expect him to make more than me and carry the household, but I do expect him to financially carry his weight. Especially with all of his hobbies and the way he likes to spend money. I did not marry a man to be his financier. Honestly, even if I found a job making 4X what I make now, I would STILL expect him to have a job and contribute. A long term SAHD would turn me off in almost every way – outside of maybe taking a year off to work on a degree or something like that. I hate to be sexist, but – it is what it is.


I want to join @TDSC60 in also thanking you for your honesty. It's not politically correct for a woman to admit that in your gut, you expect your man to provide and protect you. Even though you're a tough body building cookie, you're feminine side is still there, with its expectations of what a man should be.

Too many women, deny this side of themselves. This leads men to believe the hype and put themselves into situations that cause their woman to lose respect for them.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> You are right, of course.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You rang?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## steve_in_FL (Mar 13, 2012)

I'm a SAHD too,so I know EXACTLY what you're going through. A lot of these comments are legit re: how 'far' it went but,after reading some of your responses, it appears that it did not culminate in physical sex. For your sake, I hope not. And I hope your marriage is salvageable. A few things that bother me though:

1) Your mutual,annual solo vacays? Stop them. They're simply not healthy for marriages. My bro in MI agreed to allowing his ex to go on a cruise out of Miami 'with the girls' Turns out, it was with the guy she was cheating on him with. They're now divorced. Their only child,a daughter,despises her now. Such 'expeditions' only create opportunities that cannot be verified by the other spouse if,indeed,cheating occurs. There will always be doubt now that she has proven herself to be weak in that area. I won't listen to any psycho-babble' about how these 'girls nights out' and solo vacations 'strengthen trust'. And then there's that old,tired standby...'well don't you trust each other?' Of course the implication there is you're the villain if you don't cave in and let her do as she pleases,with whom she pleases,when she pleases. Everyone has the right to do as they please in this country as long as the activity is legal but marriage vows severely limit our solo activities.Here's an eye-opener: In 21 states, cheating in a marriage is against the law, punishable by a fine or even jail time. Cheating on your spouse can even be grounds for losing your job. This is particularly true in the military, where adultery has a maximum punishment of a dishonorable discharge and confinement for one year, according to the Uniform Code of Military Justice. In the past eight years, 30% of the commanders fired lost their jobs due to sexual misconduct, including adultery. In Michigan, adultery is a felony. Imagine that. (No...my bro did not press charges...) Make family memories TOGETHER! Fill up that photo file with smiles,hugs and vacays together! And if there is some selfishness on your part in regards to your 'free time' on these solo vacations...stomp on it.kill it. Dads cannot afford being selfish.

2) You stated that she would be willing to give you a divorce, full custody, support etc...Wow! This does NOT sound like a typical mother! Is she a career woman engrossed in moving up? So, she's willing to just throw it all away in exchange for her freedom from child-rearing? You and I both know what's involved in being a SAHD. If nothing else, SAHDs understand what SAHMs go through. The details,worries,appointments,school issues and so much more.All for no pay...and you're sacrificing your own very life and time on this Earth,as well as your career. Yet the payoff, in terms of garnering all of that quality time with the kids is priceless! So...I'd be interested in hearing your explanation as to why you think she would be so easily willing to just bail? Is she getting her fair share of quality time with your daughter? If not, that part of your marriage equation must change because maternal instincts over ride all when it comes to women, regardless of what many say. Such instincts can be ignored and suppressed but the effects of doing so WILL have repercussions in all of your lives. I know. BTDT.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Thanks for admitting this. Most women would not admit it for fear of being labeled "not PC enough".
> 
> Again, this feeling is subconscious in all females. It is a genetic memory. Like a female cannot help the urge to "mother" offspring.
> 
> The other side of that coin is that even "enlightened" wives who have a SAHD back home are more open to being attracted to men they see as more powerful than the husband. Someone who could provide protection for her and her children better than the husband who, in their mind, provides none of this. I really think a SAHD has a wife who subconsciously resents him even if she does not tell him so.


This has been confirmed in numerous studies. Women don't respect men who don't work and provide. They may not even be consciously aware of it but it's true.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> The man being the provider of food, protection, and shelter has been hard coded into our DNA since the species emerged on the planet. It really does not matter that an logical agreement was reached where the husband would be a stay at home dad, the wife is subconsciously influenced by billions of years of evolution to not respect a man in this arrangement.


You're right. I've read others saying that the male being the provider was societal conditioning. That's not true. In the human species the males and females have "jobs" that were assigned by nature. Males provide and females have babies and nurture them. Nothing sexist about it unless you're claiming that nature/evolution (or God if that's your thing) are sexist. Nature gave us these jobs. That's why men are built stronger, faster, and with more propensity toward violence. Those traits serve us well in competition to provide. Females, however, are physically weaker, more emotional (in a nurturing way), and less violent. Those traits serve them well with mothering children.

With all this said are we now as a society rejecting some of this nature? Yes, we are as evidenced by SAHD's. Can people reject their natural instincts in regards to these things (women seeing SAHD's as weak partners)? Nope. They can consciously say they're fine with it but in the end, you can't fight nature.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> My husband has jokingly suggested being a SAHD many times over the years. “Why don’t you get a raise so I can be a SAHD?” “If we hit the lottery, I’ll be a house husband”. Now, I know this is a joke, because J has never gone without work in the last 9 years. There WERE 2 times very early in our relationship that I was the sole provider for a few months when he did not have a job, but even then he did some ‘under the table’ work. Since our daughter was born 9 years ago, he has left jobs, but never before he’s had another lined up. Now, all of them haven’t paid the greatest, but he’s always at least had an income and we’ve worked through it.
> 
> But, even knowing that he’s joking – when he says things like that, I feel my stomach turn. I do NOT want to be married to a SAHD. There is nothing that would turn me off more than that. I do not expect him to be the sole bread winner, nor do I expect him to make more than me and carry the household, but I do expect him to financially carry his weight. Especially with all of his hobbies and the way he likes to spend money. I did not marry a man to be his financier. Honestly, even if I found a job making 4X what I make now, I would STILL expect him to have a job and contribute. A long term SAHD would turn me off in almost every way – outside of maybe taking a year off to work on a degree or something like that. I hate to be sexist, but – it is what it is.


There is nothing wrong or sexist about these feelings of yours. If anything it means that you're perfectly normal and feeling the way nature designed you to feel.


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## steve_in_FL (Mar 13, 2012)

Vlad said:" Do you know how many stay at home dads get cheated on? Most of them."
Not true.
In fact, the statistics do NOT support this assertion. As a SAHD myself, this statement was somewhat alarming,so I checked into it. In fact...SAHDs and SAHMs are the two most likely groups to cheat on their spouses. Why? Because the privacy of the home is not open to peering eyes and both groups set their own schedules...among other contributing factors. Work environments are designed for...work.Not quick,cheap sex in the cloakroom as the old cliche states. While my wife works for a large corporation and has her own office, her door is always open. Additionally, she's always available to me by cell and she's always on time coming home etc...I have always been the main provider,financially speaking, because I have property that I own and manage which does not require me to be employed in the traditional sense. I've always provided anywhere from 2/3 to 3/4 of the monthly household budget. Yet, I've also been the nurturer of our children and a SAHD.

You might say I'm a SAHD and a PT self-employed individual.Darned proud of how our children have turned out,too.

I would really like for Vlad to specifically name or provide a few links to his 'studies'. I think his statement was pure hogwash and I hope the OP gets his marriage sorted out...nor do I think she actually completed the act with this other guy. Not that it redeems her of any guilt whatsoever because of her actions while she was away at school.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I just Googled "do stay at home dads get cheated on more than working dads' just to see what popped up, and man, was I surprised. LOL


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## steve_in_FL (Mar 13, 2012)

Yes...it's true...the stay at home Dads and the stay at home Soccer moms are more likely to cheat. NOT the other way around.The Daily Mail article is irrelevant because it's just one personal story of one man describing the travails of being a SAHD...in the UK. he cites just one instance of a friend who was also a SAHD who was cheated on by his wife,with an 'Alpha male'. His statistic that 10% of of all recent divorces in the UK are between couples where the male is a SAHD is misleading because it does not cite the causes of those splits. If all of the other google results are reliable, it could probably be said that the SAHDs are the ones that cheated, causing the divorces, for the most part. Means= an active male libido. Motive= her libido is depressed from all of the workplace stress. Opportunity= an empty house and an absent wife. 
Hint: after a good night's sleep she's fresh in the morning. Nice way to start the day,too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LucasJackson said:


> This has been confirmed in numerous studies. Women don't respect men who don't work and provide. They may not even be consciously aware of it but it's true.


The problem with numerous studies is that they often tend to prove what the person who funded the study or who created it designed it to prove.

There are other subtle methods of doing this.

As an example:- 

Over 90% of people approved of affairs by married people. (They asked people who were members of a marital affairs website, so they got the result they wanted which gave them screamingly big headlines in credulous newspapers, which was what their aim.)


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> But you cannot deny that the life dynamics of a SAHD are far different from those of a SAHM. A SAHM is not going to be looked down upon by the husband if she is doing her job as homemaker and being a great parent. A SAHD can be the best homemaker and parent anyone could ask for, and many times the wife will still lose respect for him.
> 
> *Jerry123* is a perfect example, except that his wife doesn't give a sh!t about anyone but herself. The difference with *Jerry123* is that he no longer takes any crap from her and has found a way to be a whole and complete man in the mariage regardless of her negative attitude.
> 
> I cannot recall one SAHD who has posted in any other forums than General, CWI or the Divorce forums. That says something. I have never seen one post in Long Term Success for Marriage.


There aren't very many people who post in that forum and the most frequent posters are women. It's a very slow forum. 

As for the SAHD topic, I would do it if my wife made a significant salary and my children needed a parent at home. I don't believe that women can be wrapped up in a "one size fits all" thought process that results in immediate loss of respect and subsequent cheating.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> The problem with numerous studies is that they often tend to prove what the person who funded the study or who created it designed it to prove.
> 
> There are other subtle methods of doing this.
> 
> ...


...but Psychology Today would never post the results of junk studies. They're almost always from universities and blind studies whenever possible.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

steve_in_FL said:


> I would really like for Vlad to specifically name or provide a few links to his 'studies'.


Well you've got me there Steve. My "studies" as you put it, are based on the 5 or 6 SAHD I know, (7 if we count MT), and they are all batting a thousand. And maybe his wife only went to bed with her BF and didn't have sex with him. 
Hell Dawg, On second thought I'm probably wrong. Her telling him it'd be ok if they got a divorce with him getting the kids and alimony was probably a joke. My bad. 
:wink2:


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> I don't believe that women can be wrapped up in a "one size fits all" thought process that results in immediate loss of respect and subsequent cheating.


In the final analysis, its virtually impossible for a woman, to maintain romantic love for a man she feels superior to. If you don't believe it, ask them.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

I'm the breadwinner of my family. I am the one who is college educated and make good money. Despite the fact my husband does not "take care of me" or "provide for us" - I have never ever once thought of cheating on him. In fact, it has always been the other way around - he has been the one unfaithful to me in the past, and not always when I was out winning the bread. 

I would simply be happy as a woman in today's day in age to have a man who stayed around with the kids. That seems to be a rarity in itself.

I think there are *some* women who lose respect for SAHDs. They are probably also women who despise SAHMs too. They do not view it as a worthy job, do not view it as laborious, and describe it as a privilege. Maybe many of the men who are insulting SAHDs also feel this same way about the job of staying home with the kids, regardless of the sex of the caretaker. 

However-OP said that this was a decision that they BOTH came to. That included his wife. If the wife found that being a SAHD was despicable, or that it lowered his credibility in the relationship - she had the duty to say so. THIS DOES NOT GIVE HER GROUNDS TO GET IN BED WITH OTHER MEN. This does NOT in any way mean that OP does not deserve honest advice and sympathy instead of callous derogatory and plain old rude comments.

If you do not even respect SAHDs and cannot offer any good advice then why even bother responding to this thread? And NO I won't entertain for a minute that the sexes were "programmed" a certain way. This is all a social construct. 

If OP is still following this thread - 

I think you and your W need to go to therapy. The marriage is not going to heal over time. The longer you let it go the more likely you will begin to resent her, or the further apart you will grow. If she refuses to do counseling, go for yourself, for healing. A good counselor should be able to help you through this to evaluate if the marriage is salvageable or not. BUT I will tell you from my own experience that your marriage will never be the same again. 

I do think that even if you are a SAHD you can't just do everything for your kids. You need to find something to do for yourself. Whether that is a hobby or a part time job while the kids are in school - it's really important that you get away from the kids for some time. Being at home with the kids all day allows your feelings to fester and fester and fester. Being away from it all will allow you to get some clarity. It may help guide you to find out what you need to do... That includes deciding if you are happy being a SAHD. 

I hope for the best for you regardless of what your journey tells you to do. It's not up to me to tell you if your wife is being dishonest but there is such a thing as trickle truth. Most cheaters do it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lisa, is your husband a SAHD, retired, or laid-off? Long term or temporary?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

without doing any research into the 'SAHD don't get respect from their wives' syndrome, i do tend to believe that a lot or most of women 
would rather have a man who works and provides. i do not deny that is somewhat embedded in or DNA and social construct.

what i don't buy is that in many instances it couldn't work. and work well. some of the above posters (Lisa) proves that's true.

just because something is engrained into us doesn't mean we have to adhere to evolutionary or cultural rules.
instinct and evolution tells us when somebody says something insulting to you, you want to punch them right?
yah, but sometimes that would be the stupid thing to do. 

the brain is stronger than the fist.
otherwise, we'd still be living in trees.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

If there are any studies about it incidence of betrayed SAHD v employed guys, I don't know about it. But the SAHD just don't seem to be a profession that commands a lot of sex appeal. What's worse, if the SAHD's wife decides to give him the boot for what ever reason, he's usually at the bottom of the barrel in the job market. Like somebody said, " in this market, is easier to explain a felony conviction than a gap in employment." Moreover, as adorable as a SAHD is, if he's banking on the job experience from it to give him an edge, its about on par with a daycare worker.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

There is always talk about Alpha and Beta males on Internet,newspapers and TV.

Dont get me wrong please but this is a real example of Beta male. 

How can you trust your wife and her lover ? She is still banging this dude but now she knows you cant do anything about it. 

Put it simple : she lost all respect for you. Maybe this will be hard for you but my friend you dont have a job at age 40,no money,you drink all the time and you let her walk all over you. Your response to her Cheating is to send her on a "girls" trip. 

I am sad,really sad. 

Good luck to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> If there are any studies about it incidence of betrayed SAHD v employed guys, I don't know about it. But the SAHD just don't seem to be a profession that commands a lot of sex appeal. What's worse, if the SAHD's wife decides to give him the boot for what ever reason, he's usually at the bottom of the barrel in the job market. Like somebody said, " in this market, is easier to explain a felony conviction than a gap in employment." Moreover, as adorable as a SAHD is, if he's banking on the job experience from it to give him an edge, its about on par with a daycare worker.


Wouldn't matter anyway. It's not like it's unheard of for someone pushing an agenda to publish a study that counters the findings of a contradictive study.

Still, I don't think most folks need a study to know that SAHD's don't command much respect, even from their wives.

Having said that, there's a stark difference between a non-working SAHD and a SAHD bringing in beaucoup bucks w/ a part-time job.

After all, women expect men to _provide_, and I'd imagine that a guy providing not only a nice income but a well-fended home as well...?

That guy is probably a rock star.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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