# Do I need to be more open?



## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

I won't say I'm a vengeful person, but then I tend to hold enmity towards people who wrong me. I know this is normal (duh, who doesn't) but then actually it made me laugh because a family member recently came up to me and said "why don't you go to church? you bloody heathen!" I was like "what?" because this was totally out of the blue, when I had done little to that person. I remember being told they needed some money to get back from town and I was in town at work that day and I thought "screw her, she's not worth my time".

I then got messages on my Facebook from her saying "i thought we were cool, we're family, right?" 

But then am I right to feel as I do?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is normal to get upset when someone says or does something upsetting. The problem comes in when we do not forgive, but instead hold onto it and let it become bitterness. Then it eats away at us. Better to recognize what the other person did. Address it appropriately, if it's worth the effort, or ignore it. Forgive them. Move on.
It is really odd that your relative spoke to you like that. Was she kidding and thought you would find it funny? I attend church and have all my life, but if I wanted someone to come to church I would never approach them like that. Good grief. That is really rude and uncalled for. It doesn't matter whether you have done something to them or not. There is no call to treat someone like that. If you don't like what someone does, you don't lash out. That only makes things worse. So, even if you had done something to upset her, that was not a way to talk to you.
You cannot treat family rudely and expect it to be okay. It's not okay. We are supposed to love and support or family. When they are unhealthy to be around, we don't hang out with them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't know but the words she said sound to me like she was joking around with you. 

If a friend or family member said that to me I'd laugh and joke back.

The Facebook message from her sounds even more like she was trying to be light hearted.

Do you often get upset with people who just joke around?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm stuck trying to relate this to "mental and physical health" issues...

As far as the original situation, I'm not sure how she "wronged" you. I don't like people pushing their religion in my face, but I just chose to not spend time with relatives who do that. Has nothing to do with being "wronged" or "vengeful". Simply has to do with spending time with people whose approach on life is compatible with mine. It's not a big enough of a deal to get knickers up in a bunch. I've got much bigger issues to worry about in the grand scheme of things. And if someone wants to get on my case about it, I'd be happy to tell them that I'm not interested in going to church, mainly because it's full of sanctimonious hypocrites who are all holy one day a week and forget about it the other 6. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I don't know but the words she said sound to me like she was joking around with you.
> 
> If a friend or family member said that to me I'd laugh and joke back.
> 
> ...


depends what is meant by joke. Perception is subjective.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'm stuck trying to relate this to "mental and physical health" issues...
> 
> As far as the original situation, I'm not sure how she "wronged" you. I don't like people pushing their religion in my face, but I just chose to not spend time with relatives who do that. Has nothing to do with being "wronged" or "vengeful". Simply has to do with spending time with people whose approach on life is compatible with mine. It's not a big enough of a deal to get knickers up in a bunch. I've got much bigger issues to worry about in the grand scheme of things. And if someone wants to get on my case about it, I'd be happy to tell them that I'm not interested in going to church, mainly because it's full of sanctimonious hypocrites who are all holy one day a week and forget about it the other 6.
> 
> ...


Well despite your insistence that wronging others is acceptable (I don't really agree, but then people are different..) I don't like being told things out of the blue for no reason/provocation.

Maybe that makes me "sensitive", if it does, so what? I cannot be myself? 

And frankly, this is a mental/physical issue because it's something that bothers me...it may not be a recognised condition in the DSM or any other medical text, but meh...nice sidelining there..perhaps you need treatment for NPD or something..


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Sounds like a joke.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

yup,sounds like a joke to me. If it hurt you just say "that hurt me.some jokes are ok but that one was a little harsh." 

Some people are sensitive to different things and that's ok provided they understand most people don't know which topics aren't ok until they've already stepped in it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Whether or not it was a joke depends on context and tone of voice, and perhaps on the nature of past interactions with that person that would indicate their attitudes.

It's okay to be offended if that's how you took it, but unless they know that, they have no opportunity to explain their real intent or to apologize if appropriate. Find that out, then see how you feel.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

naminagupta said:


> Well despite your insistence that wronging others is acceptable (I don't really agree, but then people are different..) I don't like being told things out of the blue for no reason/provocation.
> 
> Maybe that makes me "sensitive", if it does, so what? I cannot be myself?
> 
> And frankly, this is a mental/physical issue because it's something that bothers me...it may not be a recognised condition in the DSM or any other medical text, but meh...nice sidelining there..perhaps you need treatment for NPD or something..


Your response to PBear is overly defensive and rude, which gives some insight into how you handle perceived slights. How you answered back to someone who was trying to help you was to attack him. This could have a lot to do with what you are asking about. If this is how you usually deal with people, it shows that you are easily offended, even when people are not trying to offend you, and then you go into attack mode. You have also shown, in your op, that you tend to get upset over dumb comments and dwell on them, thus holding in bitterness. Had you considered individual counseling?


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your response to PBear is overly defensive and rude, which gives some insight into how you handle perceived slights. How you answered back to someone who was trying to help you was to attack him. This could have a lot to do with what you are asking about. If this is how you usually deal with people, it shows that you are easily offended, even when people are not trying to offend you, and then you go into attack mode. You have also shown, in your op, that you tend to get upset over dumb comments and dwell on them, thus holding in bitterness. Had you considered individual counseling?


He did attack me, but I know not to take it on because as he says we're strangers...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

naminagupta said:


> He did attack me, but I know not to take it on because as he says we're strangers...


Are you saying PBear attacked you? I'm confused about what you mean, as PBear didn't attack you.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Are you saying PBear attacked you? I'm confused about what you mean, as PBear didn't attack you.


yes, he did. But if he's passive aggressive and cannot tell me directly what his issue is, fine...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Pbear didn't attack you at all. It's your perception that's a little skewed. 

He's definitely not a passive aggressive poster and I'm fairly sure he has no issues with you.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Pbear didn't attack you at all. It's your perception that's a little skewed.
> 
> He's definitely not a passive aggressive poster and I'm fairly sure he has no issues with you.


Can't he defend himself? lol..


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

naminagupta said:


> Can't he defend himself? lol..


He doesn't need to defend himself. Everyone can see your posts about him are off base.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> He doesn't need to defend himself. Everyone can see your posts about him are off base.


Yes, he does lol...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

naminagupta said:


> Yes, he does lol...


Against what exactly?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

naminagupta said:


> Can't he defend himself? lol..


You are asking questions regarding how you communicate and relate to others. The way you have responded to PBear is an example that we can all clearly see, so we are responding to that. This is not about defending PBear. This is about pointing out your inappropriate response to him.



naminagupta said:


> yes, he did. But if he's passive aggressive and cannot tell me directly what his issue is, fine...


No he did not. You have made this up out of thin air. If this is any indication of how you deal with people in real life, you have some serious problems relating to people in a healthy manner. You asked for help in that area. We are pointing it out to you and rather than hearing and responding appropriately you are making it all about someone else. This is called projecting your issues onto someone else. It is a form of blame shifting and is considered to be an unhealthy relationship practice that can become abusive.
The exchange below is another example of you blame shifting.


ScarletBegonias said:


> He doesn't need to defend himself. Everyone can see your posts about him are off base.





naminagupta said:


> Yes, he does lol...


At this point, you have done nothing to try to resolve the issues that you came here about. You have shifted it all to someone who simply responded to your question.
You might consider taking this thread to a counselor and getting some help.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If you think someone has attacked you here then report the post to the moderators. This thread is off the rails. I'm closing it.


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