# Newbie



## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

Hi I am new to the forum and was just wondering if anyone on here has any stories of themselves or a spouse whose undergone gastric bypass surgery. My husband is planning on having it and already it is causing major problems between us any advice?:scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Just wondering, why is it causing huge problems between you two? do you not want him to do it?


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## proudmommy997 (Aug 13, 2008)

mrs.mixedmessages said:


> Hi I am new to the forum and was just wondering if anyone on here has any stories of themselves or a spouse whose undergone gastric bypass surgery. My husband is planning on having it and already it is causing major problems between us any advice?:scratchhead:


I know that my husband's mom had gastric bypass and something went wrong and now she has SERIOUS back problems and has to take lots of medication and change into a way different person and everything went down hill from there but I think what happened to her is very rare. Anyone else I know who has had it everything went pretty well for them.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

There might be medical sites better set up to answer these questions for you, although this is a friendly bunch willing to help about anyone.

draconis


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Welcome to the forum! What types of problems are you having? In my line of work I have contact with quite a few people who have had the procedure. I can honestly say that option isn't for everyone--in my opinion it's a last resort.


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

first thanks for answering cause I am at the end of my rope, right now in my life I guess I am totally anti surgery since this April my sis decided to get implants went in a normal healthy 33 yr old mom of 2 worked full time and was very successful but 11 days after surgery started having flu like symtoms and has escalated to the point that she now cannot care for herself has constant tremors and can't walk, feed herself nothing and am so afraid of things like this happening. I just don't feel that the gastric bypass is a good surgery-and am having a hard time supporting his decision. Sooooo many risks out there not only physically, but psychologically for both of us and not sure I am strong enough for another area of my life to be in turmoil. He is overweight but has lost a 75lbs in 2 months on his pre op diet, my question is why not just continue this diet and forget the surgery, will he and I be happy with his quality of life. plus all the statistics is it really worth the risks, I am worried about not only health problems, but marriage problems as well. as he has already changed and I guess I feel like since I am not telling him what he wants to hear he's turned to a new forum for weight loss people and has been making all kinds of new friends and has even met one in person and yes it was a female and yes I did find myself getting jealous and now he's emailing her and telling her good night now I ask you how would you feel and how would you handle it. I just cannot agree with this surgery as I was once a size 14 and am now between a 4 and a 6 and have done it on my own and have kept it off for 10 yrs. please help!!! We have had some marriage problems in the past.and have seemed to resolve themselves in the last 8 months and things have been going sooooo good I just hate to see something upset it again. And I feel like this whole decision already has. We've been married for 7 years but together for 13 and am at the stage of my life where I like being happy where I am and the whole thought of having to start over with someone either because of something killing him medically or the destruction of our marriage scares the hell out of me. Yes I know I sound like a pessimist but like I say if it's not broken don't fix it? Why can't he just be happy with what and who he is? He's 39 is this some type of mid life crisis age or something that I am unaware of?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm certainly with you. id never want my H to have bypass surgery. i have known a couple women who did it and everything turned out ok. I think he might be feeling very inadequate next to you. Your weight loss is great and amazing but i think he might be feeling like you dont understand him. 

that is hard that he is now turning to his online friends for support. but it sounds like he's made up his mind to do this and if you keep telling him not to then he is going to go some where else for the emotional support he needs. im sure he's scared just like you. if he's going to do this one way or another dont you want to be the one by his side when things are rough? If you dont he will find someone else to stand by his side. 

I dont blame you for being scared and not wanting to go through another ordeal. who does. but maybe you two can share your fears together instead of trying to convince the other that you are right.


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

I do agree with you that I need to try to be more supportive and less jealous. It's just very hard for me to understand why he is so hell bent on having it done rather than losing it on his own like he's doing now and like I have done. I struggle with trying to be a cheerleader about such a risky surgery, I have done months of online research and sounds like the average is 50% need some type of surgery from gastric bypass complications within 5 years, his specific surgeon has an average of 20% which is better but still pretty risky, also the things I have read about divorce rates is crazy it's like 65% of post op patients end in divorce because the person who's had the surgery is so different so fast that it's hard for the spouse to know them anymore-atleast with my weight loss it was slow moving and everyone had time to adapt and I really don't think it changed me as a person alot just how I felt after doing physical things, where with the surgery it lists all kinds of psychological problems as well. In the end you are right and I will try. Thanks for letting me vent!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I actually dont think you should be a cheerleader for it. I know i wouldnt be. im with you. lose it naturally. who knows why he's pushing to do it this way but maybe if he felt more comfortable talking to you then you could find out. 

I think you should let your vulnerable side show and let him know how afraid you are of losing the relationship. that's really all you can do. If he's going to go through with it anyway, you dont have to necessarily support the surgery, just support his emotional state. 

To me people who want to have the surgery lack confidence in themselves. They want it and they want it now. That is of course just my opinion. I kind of think he's pushing for this because you are looking so good now. he probably doesnt feel confident around you and wants to be able to be around you without all his flaws being so obvious. do you think that could be it?


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

thanks again for the support and will take your advice and try-he just keeps telling me he doesn't want to die by 50 thinks his practicing doctor put that in his head, as far as not feeling ok around me I am not convinced that is it as I said my extra weight has been gone for years actually even before we were married so really don't know what the thing is all of a sudden. I have expressed to him maybe toooooo much how frightened of this whole thing I am and he tells me in one breath that if I don't want him to have it he won't but then is on his forum talking about being excited about getting a surgery date in the next month or so. I don't think he would back out and I really don't want to be that over bearing that I won't allow him to--it does need to be his decision I just wish I felt more comfortable about the outcome--thanks again for your help you have no idea how much I am in need of support right now!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mrs.mixedmessages said:


> I have expressed to him maybe toooooo much how frightened of this whole thing I am and he tells me in one breath that if I don't want him to have it he won't but then is on his forum talking about being excited about getting a surgery date in the next month or so.


Ive noticed this trend with my guy, too. If i push him and push him on something he will eventually say whatever i want to hear. and then go do his own thing anyway. then i feel hurt and betrayed but really it was because i wasnt listening to him and respecting his feelings. 

you never know how this will all turn out. but instead of focusing on the fear of failure in the future just ask yourself what you can do today to have a better relationship. I'm sure he wants to talk to you about how he's feeling and he's probably a little hurt that he cant.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If this is his surgery let him make the decision. He already has a date for it and sems happy to have it. Talk to him and check on the doctor to make sure he is the best. Calm your fears and talk to a therapist if need be. 99.99% of surgeries go well. In the last month my wife, daughter, and brother-in-law all had surgery and are all doing well.

draconis


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

you're right and I will try it-just is soooo hard to be patien with the whole process we've been dealing with it since Jan. and he had to go through all kinds of appt's have his final one coming up in spet. and they want me to be there and surgery will be set up after that. I am just having trust issues and I think it comes from my first marriage where I had no trust issues and my ex continually cheated on me and I was to simple to figure it out until 11 years later that's when we divorced just don't want to go through all that again and you're right those are my issues I need to deal with. Thanks again for everything!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Remeber everyone needs to have that trust ad respect because everyone is different. You seem like a really great person, who wants the best. I know how those buterfies tie you up but if in the end it helps...

We are always here for you.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

oooooohhhh ok. So you are having some post traumatic stress from your other relationship. How does your lack of trust tie in with the surgery? Do you think after he has the surgery that he will have an affair because he will be such a different person? Are you having a hard time with the girl he's talking to online?


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

I guess since seeing how a surgery can and sometimes does go wrong like with my sis it scares the hell out of me to even think of he and I having to deal with another situation like that, and yes I am having a hard time about the girl he's talking to online cause I feel that he's turning to her instead of me which is probably my fault to an extent but can honestly say through all of our years of marriage I have never done anything like that as far as I am concerned when someone starts sending private messages and setting up a face to face meeting so they can talk about the surgery since she has already had it, I feel like with all the research we've done together on it why does he need to have a face to face meeting with her and why does he have to personal message her to say good night-not sure if he will have an affair after surgery and that is only one of my fears the others are all the problems people have with gall bladders, leakage, blood clots, vitamin deficiancies, etc etc etc. And again I know some of my fears are ones I need to deal with, I just ask myself if things are going so good for us why does he need to throw a wrench into it!
thanks again to everyone


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you will find a lot of helpful advice on here about the 'chatting online with that girl' problem. Have you considered going to a counselor? It seems like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe because you doubt or worry about the surgery he feels he can not talk to you about it. Let him know that you are there to listen and research with him. Like I said I dealt with it with the wife and she has had to see me go through alot with my MD. Sometimes you do things because you want to be better and if you don't it effects your self esteem. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but at all costs talk to him and let him know you are an ear to listen. If you don't fight him and just listen he might talk to you more and her less. 

Can you be there when he meets her?

draconis


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

yep I agree I do have anxiety problems, and am trying to get them under control. I will try your advice tonight. He actually invited me with and I said no!! Said I really can't listen to anymore of this surgery crap ya ya I know but at the time lol, anyways will give the I am interested and not become defensive or offensive at any time during the conversation tonight! thanks again


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

good luck! let us know how it goes.


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

Well ok I took everyone's advice, last night on the discovery channel were a couple of shows about gastric bypass, I asked my hubbie if we could sit down and have a date to learn more about it together. We did and it was ok, I was more interested in the fact that he was spending time with me than on the computer with lou lou as she calls herself on the wls forum(yes this is the girl I talked about earlier) anyway even as we watched the shows, as it showed the excess skin and other things about the surgery 3 times he made a comment hmmmm I wonder if lou lou has that? Ok yes this totally irratated me but I did not blow up, I just said it bothers me when you talk about her when we are trying to spend time as a couple and I let it go--now is that how you would have handled it? Keep the coaching coming cause I need it! Thanks for listening,


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

Get all the info you can- and support his decison:cone4:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It doesnt sound like you really enjoyed the evening at all. but you are at the beginning and have a lot of emotions to work through. just give it some time.

i could be totally wrong but something ive learned from reading different posts, and also in my own marriage, is that if you openly discourage your spouse from talking about lou lou then he will just hide it from you. Then it will become more of an issue because you will have to find the conversations and will feel it as more of a betrayal. Plus he will be more inclined to have the conversations in private and that could lead to something else. Since he is so open about her i think you should just listen and let it go. Pretend that you trust him and just be curious. Once you start being more supportive of his emotional state i think he will fade from lou lou. And once you feel more of an emotional connection with him i think your fears will fade.

I've started taking this approach with my H and i feel better. My H is a porn addict and for awhile i shunned it, didnt want to talk about it, etc but after reading on these sites i realized that was the wrong approach. I told him yesterday that i realized he was going through a lot and i was sorry i wasnt supporting him. I just realized we're in this together. He's not hurting me intentionally, and there is more then one way to look at a 'problem.' Im trying not to be so concerned with 'what he's doing to me' as much as 'what he's going through.' 

Also, its good that you are doing things he is interested in. But make sure you do things that you both are interested in. You dont want to end up feeling like your relationship is all one sided.


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## mrs.mixedmessages (Aug 12, 2008)

Hi again, actually I did enjoy some of it as we were learning about things together, it was his stupid heckling that wrecked it, but again I will try harder next time to not even respond to his stupid lou lou comments think that would probably be best, and yes I admit I need to work on my trust issues, I do not deny that for a minute. Thanks for the info on your little experiment and I will definately give it a try. thanks again everyone-


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