# worried



## steverice6801 (Dec 27, 2015)

My wife and I have been together for eight years have two children and have been married just over a year 
When we started dating she told me about a ex who cheated on her and left her fir another woman she was hurt obviously we pursued a relationship but in the last couple weeks she tells.me after nine years the ex has contacted her she tells me she wants to catch up with him.via fb messages I feel very strange about this she tells me I have nothing to worry about yet I feel I do need to worry why would she want to catch up with a guy who hurt her in the past I don't get it
Yes she told me he contacted her but I'm worried there's more to this story 
Fb messages probably texts 
Need some.advice please help.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

This is wrong on her part, totally tell her how you feel and if she respects you in any way she will not contact this man. I would not talk to anyone that has hurt me, especially by cheating. 

Your wife is playing with fire, she needs to block this guy and keep the past in the past.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell your wife you have read enough to know how this will end, and you will not wait for the train wreck this marriage is heading towards if she choose to disrespect you.

This isn't about control, jealousy,or trust.... it's about protecting the marriage.

She will always have the choice to respect the protection you have to offer or leave and pursue "other interests"!

For whats it's worth, I read about guys like you all the time here. So please trust me when i tell you that you must set this boundary and the consequences for when this boundary is crossed.

Protect your marriage and never ever share your wife with another man.....especially an ex!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have to admit though... most guys here don't find out about the ex BF on FB until they get the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech!

So at least you are a head of the game since she told you already....so far she sounds like a cool chick......but be care full!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I wouldn't allow it. What the hell for? 

Here look at this scenario...


*Originally Posted by @F-102 

It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?*

BTW, how's your marriage today?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Lostme said:


> This is wrong on her part, totally tell her how you feel and if she respects you in any way she will not contact this man. I would not talk to anyone that has hurt me, especially by cheating.
> 
> Your wife is playing with fire, she needs to block this guy and keep the past in the past.


It makes me wonder what your wife thinks she is missing in her marriage that she feels the need to reconnect with someone who tore her heart out?
It might time for a ,marriage tune up. Get the book "Not Just Friends".

She needs to affair proof the marriage and going to catch up with an ex BF is not a good way of doing it.


Again you can't control her but you can control this marriage by protecting it with boundaries and consequences.


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## steverice6801 (Dec 27, 2015)

She told me she is sorry she didn't mean to make me uncomfortable and said she will block him if I want her to. 
Thanks everyone for your advice.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And don't let her play the "don't you trust me card" card....cuz if the shoe were on the other foot she would want to tear your ex girl friends head off for even contacting you much less listen to you about getting caught with her!!!!!!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> I wouldn't allow it. What the hell for?
> 
> Here look at this scenario...
> 
> ...




Exactly:surprise::surprise::surprise::surprise:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Read them! 

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends" Table of Contents

His Needs, Her Needs


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

steverice6801 said:


> I'm worried there's more to this story
> Fb messages probably texts
> Need some.advice please help.



If she is taking this under ground and just covering her tracks on fb with this "confession" then I suggest keeping an eye on her cell phone bill.
Also if she is getting really shady lately you can plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in the car.

If she is going to talk to this guy she will call him in the "security" of her car. Even though you will get a one sided conversation, It will verify if in fact there is more going on.

Are you seeing more red flags lately....besides the admission to the ex BF contacting her?


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## steverice6801 (Dec 27, 2015)

I don't know her Facebook is hers I just feel she may be telling me what I want to hear
I've never had doubts about her in the entire 8 years together just no sense why she would even want to catch up after everything she was put through


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

steverice6801 said:


> *She told me she is sorry she didn't mean to make me uncomfortable and said she will block him if I want her to. *
> Thanks everyone for your advice.


 I have a question.. has your wife always been a VERY TRANSPARENT woman.. basically wears her heart on her sleeve.. tells you Everything?? .. If so.. the fact she told you this, opened up ...that's a good thing.... HE reached out to her... she SHOULD be sharing that with you.. 

Secrets are the enemy of marriages... not the fact an ex tried to make his presence.. if you & her go forward together, United.. that's all that matters.. 

Good thread to read...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html

I can understand some curiosity on her part... it's very tempting... for unanswered questions, "closure" even - but yes, it's PLAYING WITH FIRE!..... 

One more question... you know her better than anyone.. Do you trust her word ??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

steverice6801 said:


> I don't know her Facebook is hers I just feel she may be telling me what I want to hear
> I've never had doubts about her in the entire 8 years together just no sense why she would even want to catch up after everything she was put through


So what's missing in her marriage??????

There has to be something if she feels the need to even consider catching up with her ex.....maybe her ex wasn't that bad compared to the crap she is dealing with now?

IDK but I'm just looking out side the box here cuz what ever the reason she thought about "catching up" with the ex still needs to be addressed. Maybe it's a sex thing and maybe you guys need to have more sex....hell I'm just guessing here but.....

I mean it may no longer even be an issue and she has blocked him.....done deal....but there appears to still be an issue that needs to be addressed and that is why she feels the way she does.

Have you even asked if there was something missing in *her* marriage that you guys can focus on?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

steverice6801 said:


> *I don't know her Facebook is hers I just feel she may be telling me what I want to hear*
> I've never had doubts about her in the entire 8 years together just no sense why she would even want to catch up after everything she was put through


This part doesn't sound GOOD... so has she said things YOU WANTED TO HEAR in the past to help get out of a situation.. to let it blow over... 

I would be worried more so if she is the passive type who will say things to reassure when her heart is not into it... 

Son's ex GF was like this.. so we come to learn.. looking back at some of our conversations... I question so much of what she said... even TO ME...we talked about love, life.... things I thought so highly of her... .. Now I think... was she just trying to LOOK GOOD or was it for real?? .. I just don't know.. 

Trust is everything..


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

steverice6801 said:


> I don't know her Facebook is hers I just feel she may be telling me what I want to hear
> I've never had doubts about her in the entire 8 years together just no sense why she would even want to catch up after everything she was put through


Did you ask her why she'd want to talk to him?

I can see her wanting some closure. Being cheated on and dumped for another person can do a lot emotional damage to a person. Read the CWI section here and you can imagine. In fact, you are imagining it and don't like it. She might see this as a chance to either get some answers on why he screwed her over like that, or she might feel some satisfaction that he is the one reaching out to her...cheating is damaging on a person's self-esteem or ego, too. 

She did the right thing by telling you he contacted her, and did the right thing by stepping away when you told her it bothered you, so it seems you have no reason to distrust her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

steverice6801 said:


> My wife and I have been together for eight years have two children and have been married just over a year
> When we started dating she told me about a ex who cheated on her and left her fir another woman she was hurt obviously we pursued a relationship but in the last couple weeks she tells.me after nine years the ex has contacted her she tells me she wants to catch up with him.via fb messages I feel very strange about this she tells me I have nothing to worry about yet I feel I do need to worry why would she want to catch up with a guy who hurt her in the past I don't get it
> Yes she told me he contacted her but I'm worried there's more to this story
> Fb messages probably texts
> Need some.advice please help.


This is wrong. She is disrespecting you and your children.

This needs to be in Coping With Infidelity because it is infidelity and it could get far, far worse.

Ask a moderator to move it for you.

Sorry this is happening to you.

*Trust but verify.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

steverice6801 said:


> My wife and I have been together for eight years have two children and have been married just over a year
> When we started dating she told me about a ex who cheated on her and left her fir another woman she was hurt obviously we pursued a relationship but in the last couple weeks she tells.me after nine years the ex has contacted her she tells me she wants to catch up with him.via fb messages I feel very strange about this she tells me I have nothing to worry about yet I feel I do need to worry why would she want to catch up with a guy who hurt her in the past I don't get it
> Yes she told me he contacted her but I'm worried there's more to this story
> Fb messages probably texts
> Need some.advice please help.


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

YOU WILL LOSE YOUR WIFE if you allow this.

The ONLY way to save your marriage at this point is to say "I will NOT share you with another man and if you contact him, I will file for divorce."

PLEASE trust me on this. I have seen THOUSANDS of women on forums over the years leave their husband because an old flame looked her up and she responded. Women are all about emotion; if she gets even a WHIFF of 'feeling' from him, your marriage is over.

Him or you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

norajane said:


> Did you ask her why she'd want to talk to him?
> 
> I can see her wanting some closure. Being cheated on and dumped for another person can do a lot emotional damage to a person. Read the CWI section here and you can imagine. In fact, you are imagining it and don't like it. She might see this as a chance to either get some answers on why he screwed her over like that, or she might feel some satisfaction that he is the one reaching out to her...cheating is damaging on a person's self-esteem or ego, too.
> 
> She did the right thing by telling you he contacted her, and did the right thing by stepping away when you told her it bothered you, so it seems you have no reason to distrust her.


 If you allow ANYTHING, let it be that you, she, he, and his wife get together ONE time to hash it out. There is NO place in your marriage for her to meet him alone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

steverice6801 said:


> I don't know her Facebook is hers I just feel she may be telling me what I want to hear
> I've never had doubts about her in the entire 8 years together just no sense why she would even want to catch up after everything she was put through


The seven to eight year mark is when many wives wander.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Sounds like she's looking for some kind of closure that she didn't get 8yrs ago. She should truly move forward and leave her past behind her. I wouldn't care to "play catch up" with an ex, if I had zero interests. I most definitely would have more respect for my two children and the father of my kids. This man would not get my attention, he would be dismissed along with a possible block. 

I would express how's she's jeopardizing your family over interacting with an ex, whom left her. It's not ok for her to show some sort of loyality to a man who's no longer in the picture. If you have nothing to worry about, she shouldn't feel the need to have any sort of communication with an old flame. I most definitely would be worried.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The only time a woman carries a torch for an ex is when he dumps her. Women don't like being dumped. It strikes right to the very heart of their self esteem and self worth. They will obsess about it for life. 

But when a woman dumps a guy she dumps him and never looks back. He will never get a second chance. 

Odd creatures women.....


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> The only time a woman carries a torch for an ex is when he dumps her. Women don't like being dumped. It strikes right to the very heart of their self esteem and self worth. They will obsess about it for life.
> 
> But when a woman dumps a guy she dumps him and never looks back. He will never get a second chance.
> 
> Odd creatures women.....



For her to be so hurt and move right into a relationship with the OP, that screams she wasn't over him. Although 8yrs and two children later, that torch should be burnt out and shredded to pieces. I'd say she's somewhat bored in this relationship to even play the catch up game with an ex, from that many years ago.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When ever turnera has 9 "NO" in a post....you know it's serious! LOL


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and get the book His Needs Her Needs and start reading it immediately to figure out WHY she's now wishing she had her old boyfriend back. And yes, it has something to do with you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And you know he cheated on her exactly how?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I'm not sure what your wife thinks she is to gain, from their corresponding to one another. I wish I could tell her, that the only reason he is messaging her is that it obviously didn't workout so well with the woman he left her for. Him and your wife, quite possibly both aren't satisfied in their now relationship or marriage. She's getting something from his words, that she isn't getting from your marriage but that doesn't make this ok. 

I'm not sure why she'd believe anything from this man, who left her and the lies he is feeding her to keep her intrigued. I don't think you necessarily did anything for her to fall for his crap. I do think communication on both your parts might be somewhat iffy. I would ask her, what are you getting from your twos conversation that I'm not giving you? What I can I do, for you not to be interested in your ex's life and place your focus back on our marriage, our children? 

I've had crappy Bfs or people I dated reach out to see how I'm doing. The whole "wow, you're married now? I envy your husband blah blah crap". It's BS. They don't have someone and come looking for someone familiar, usually someone who use to care. I believe it's somewhat a game, seeing if they can get your attention and see where your mind is at. 

She's disrespecting your marriage by the going back and forth, wanting to do so on her own accord. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my spouse sharing he's interested in catching up,with an ex. If he's that interested, he might as well draw up the paperwork and be done. I wouldn't put up with the lack of respect and or putting aside how I felt.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

For those who may have missed the OP's update:



steverice6801 said:


> She told me she is sorry she didn't mean to make me uncomfortable and said she will block him if I want her to.
> Thanks everyone for your advice.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> The only time a woman carries a torch for an ex is when he dumps her. Women don't like being dumped. It strikes right to the very heart of their self esteem and self worth. They will obsess about it for life.
> 
> But when a woman dumps a guy she dumps him and never looks back. He will never get a second chance.
> 
> Odd creatures women.....


That's not true. I've been dumped. I hate everyone.

>


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Heatherknows said:


> That's not true. I've been dumped. I hate everyone.
> 
> >


That's because you're a little red devil.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Steverice,

You wrote, *after nine years the ex has contacted her*

If this is true you need to contact whatever SO the ex has first and disclose that her honey has been contacting you W. Recount his history of cheating.

Next you need to contact the ex to establish what his future will look like if he contact your W by any means.

Tamat


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

steverice6801 said:


> My wife and I have been together for eight years have two children and have been married just over a year
> When we started dating she told me about a ex who cheated on her and left her fir another woman she was hurt obviously we pursued a relationship but in the last couple weeks she tells.me after nine years the ex has contacted her she tells me she wants to catch up with him.via fb messages I feel very strange about this she tells me I have nothing to worry about yet I feel I do need to worry why would she want to catch up with a guy who hurt her in the past I don't get it
> Yes she told me he contacted her but I'm worried there's more to this story
> Fb messages probably texts
> Need some.advice please help.


The EX is phising. Your W is probably curious. They call them an EX for a reason. No need to "catch up" on a douche bag that cheated on her. What the hell is the sense of that? None! It makes no sense. 

Advise? Tell the W an old GF of yours is in town. You want to meet up and catch up. See how that brick balloon flies.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seriously. Tell her if she contacts him, you're going to look up an old flame and go have dinner with her.

And then file for divorce, of course.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

If you do not put your foot down big time here, you are probably in the future going to get an unpleasant surprise.

It sounds to me like she gave you a pacification line and tells you she wil block him. All that has done is make her more careful, especially if all her other social media is protected.

My suggestion is to get right to Best Buy and put a VAR in her car. You will find out within a week if she is already having conversations with him about meeting up. She may even be telling girlfriends about her plans.

Do nothing at your own peril.


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