# Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting



## samr

First, let me say I love my wife. She's 9 years older than me. We have been married three years, together for 6, and have a baby.

She's been very different lately and keeps bringing up divorce. I don't want to not have her and my kid in my life so I say no to that.

She says I'm not the same person anymore but I think nothing has changed with me. She complains about stuff I don't do but thinks I should. She won't let anything go. She has never forgiven me for things that happened years ago. She says she has forgiven, just hasn't forgotten. My wife puts up a wall for sure. She is really closed off right now and has been for a while. I try calling her from work every day to check on things but she won't answer. She doesn't say I love you anymore. If I kiss her, she barely kisses back. We used to have sex like crazy, now it's almost non existent. 

Her feelings for me aren't the same at all. I can feel it. We used to be really close. Now all there is is a mild friendship. I come home from work and we just watch tv, that's about it. If I ask her what's wrong, she says one or two word answers. She told me that she can't keep saying the same thing over and over but I think she's overreacting. I'm not a bad guy. It could be a lot worse. 

She thinks I don't care about her. But I do. She keeps telling me that my words don't matter it's my actions. Which I get, but she never tells me the things I do right. Just points out what I do wrong. She says the things I do right are things I'm supposed to do as a man, and shouldn't expect a reward for it. She says she feels like she's my mother always cleaning up after me and she's sick of it. 

Her main complaints are that I don't help with the baby, but I do. She says I spend all my time with fantasy football and playing on my softball team. She's really pissed that I go to a gym and work out. She says she can't go herself because the baby won't go to me. I offer to watch the baby, but she cries right away so I give her back to mom and she quiets down immediately. My wife is hurt because she says I don't tell her she's attractive anymore. She lost all her weight already. I tell her she looks good. I didn't know I was supposed to point that out. She's overreacting. She also is mad at me because she takes out the trash, picks up the dog poop in the yard and does the litter box and thinks I should do it. Can't even tell you how many times she flipped out on me for that while she was pregnant. It's not like I won't do it, I just will do it when I think about it. If a week goes by before it gets done, it's not the end of the world. 

Something she said the other day really hurt. She says I devote more time to doing stuff I want to do, than to developing a relationship with my daughter. That's not true. 

She's also really pissed that we don't have a joint banking account, that she thinks my family doesn't like her, and that she feels she is not "worth my effort." She just had a big birthday and told me not to get her anything because I just paid for a new fridge. So I didn't! Than she got mad because I didn't get her a card. It bothered her a lot because she has organized big parties for me in the past and gets me presents. But she didn't want anything!

I don't know what to do. I tell her I love her. But she says I am self absorbed and my actions don't match the words. She's always stressed out about money. She stays home with our baby and watches another person's child for extra money. She did this on her own because she says she feels she has to support herself even as a married person. I said we can combine money into an account but now she won't because she says I buy too much stuff for myself. 

With her barely even talking to me, I don't know how much longer this is gonna go on. I tell her I want to fix this, but she says it's too late. She's tired of trying and things never change. I'm trying - she doesn't see it. Or ever tell me when I do something right. 

So...who is right? I'm not a bad person. I am trying. Thanks.


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## clipclop2

in my opinion yes you did screw up .

once you become a family man your focus needs to shift from you to the whole family . instance handing the baby back to your wife because the baby cry it putting everything on your wife . is spot on that you are not developing a relationship with your daughter .

imagine how to trapped your wife feels while you're going out to play and work out . 

and why the hell should she be picking up after you? she shouldn't have been doing the kitty litter at all while she was pregnant . it's time for you to grow up and begin to act like a man instead of a manchild .

she is sick of your behavior . and yet you want praise when you happen to remember to do the things that need to be done . 

and if you actually told her that she is overreacting you've made the biggest mistake of all by insulting her ntelligence and her feelings . 

as often happens with a new baby the wife grows up and the man does not. its a recipe for divorce as you are now experiencing . you either start sacrificing for your family or expect to be served with divorce papers when you least expect it .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2

one more thing , claiming that you didn't know that you should be complimenting your wife has to be one of the most frustrating things she has ever heard . it's amazing how a man remembers to do what he wants to do and doesn't remember to do what he should do to take care of the woman he claims to love so much . she didn't stop being a woman when she became a mother . little wonder he doesn't feel like you care . 

I remember having these feelings very strongly when I had my children with my ex husband . it's as though there's an unspoken belief that the child and the household are the woman's responsibility and so long as the man goes to work and occasionally runs a vacuum that he is showing enough support and is helping around the house . it just doesn't work that way . a baby is a full time job. it wakes you up in the middle of the night, demands your emotional support , and carries a lot of worry . everything that happens in the family is imprinted on the child . early bonding , talking, sharing, showing the child the world and allowing the child to grow believing it is safe and loved are the most important things.in the world to her right now . 

have you read any parenting books ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

You need to put more hard work in guy. All that effort you put in the gym, fantasy football, softball you should put equal if not more in your marriage. You need to take your wife out just the two of you. 
You fell for the biggest [email protected] test there is......don't get me nothing for my birthday.....you should have made some effort. Also you have to bond with your child more. If she cries every time you pick her up you need to work on that also. It sounds like your wife is screaming for help and your attention. You have to ask yourself is your marriage worth really fighting for. Good luck. You can make it work....but you have to start to really listen to her.


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## MissFroggie

Wow, you seriously need to ask if you screwed up?? You're behaving like a spoilt child! I am seriously struggling to work out where to start! I can't stop thinking about the fact you are so selfish you had her dealing with cat litter when she was pregnant - the litter tray just being left dirty is a huge risk to your unborn baby and getting her to clean it while pregnant is absolutely disgusting behaviour - you could have KILLED your baby!!! Not that it would be that big a deal to you because you can't even be bothered to take the time and put in the effort to bond with your baby now she is born! Please consider how you would feel if your daughter was dating a guy who treated her this badly - would you think it was ok? Actually you are being so selfish you might be too busy socialising with him to care. I am so utterly despairing at your post! Maybe you are a sociopath and that's why you can't see what a selfish, unappreciative, rude, demanding, misogynistic waste of skin you are...or perhaps it is not who you are but how you are behaving? Could this thread be the wake-up call you so desperately need? I hope so!

Step one - whatever you are thinking of doing just stop first. Does this enhance your wife's life and ease her burden of responsibility in some way? Does it benefit her? If the answer is no, do something else but when you decide what to do, repeat the above! I've never said that before but you are SO FAR from where you need to be to keep your family you seriously need to look at EVERY decision, not just bits and pieces you can change...in a week or so if you feel like it!

Or you can ignore this and enjoy the divorce and child support you'll be paying - which from the sounds of things will be a lot more than she's getting from you right now!


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## samr

Didn't think I'd get blasted on here. About the cat litter. I said I'd do it and for her to leave it for me to do. But she wanted it scooped every day and it didn't always need to be. Since I didn't do it her way, she just did it herself and still does. I do the trash now. 

I spend time with my daughter but I can't help it if she cries. It bothers me that she doesn't seem to like me. I have been trying to hold her more. If I didn't read any books does that make me a bad dad? I didn't read books, but I look stuff up on the internet a lot and ask the guys at work who have kids. 

So I am supposed to do nothing but go to work and come home and help out around the house? I think I can have other interests. If she wanted to join a team or do yoga I wouldn't make her feel bad about it. She is the one who says she can't because the baby won't go to anyone but her. So, if she's playing with the baby, I should just sit and stare at a wall and not go for a run or do fantasy stuff?

I get what you are saying, but I know I can do the stuff that makes me happy and still be a good dad. My wife has always been independent since day 1. I don't get why all of a sudden she's complaining. I don't buy the happy wife happy life thing. If I'm always catering to her then I'm not happy, what good is that?

I do help out, just not to her standards I guess.


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## Mavash.

Life changes after you have kids and yes for a while you do just come home and help around the house. It's called parenting. And if you need free time you negotiate that and come up with a compromise that is agreeable to both of you.

You don't just leave because you're bored with watching your wife play with your daughter.


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## lfortender

I understand what you're living. Nobody likes the bossy wifes, drives me crazy. I hate it! It seems like your wife wants to boss on you, you need to stop and realize what are doing wrong and what are you doing right.


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## VermisciousKnid

Cat litter should be done every day. Get over it. You want the cat peeing on your softball cleats?

Also, babies cry. It's what they do. You hold them, walk around with them, distract them, change their diapers, feed them, entertain them and eventually they stop. If you let a bit of wailing deter you, you're not a very good parent. 

You sound a bit clueless to me. Sorry.


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## anchorwatch

Only those so blatantly on the wrong path get so many negative post. 

Hey you play softball and go to the gym. Well, I play two rounds of golf every week, work out and get some fishing in too. But every week I take my wife out on a date, go for lunch or just get her some flowers. When was the last time you dated and romanced your wife? Not bashing! Just like the others, I'm pointing out how a marriage works. And if it was neglected for years, the damage can take a while to be repaired. 

BTW, not cool on the lack of B'day card. That's not what a woman wants. 

Now what are you willing to do to fix this or are you so right to walk away?


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## clipclop2

You are justifying your behaviour and telling yourself you are still a good dad. Doesn't sound like you are willing to grow up.

Read some parenting books. Letting the blind lead the clueless (you) hasn't done jack for your parenting skills.

Read some marriage books. Your selfishness and immaturity hasn't helped your marriage.

Apologize to your wife. Find MEN who know what life is really about to help you grow up. Maybe a men's group at a church.

Try some self-examination instead of knee-jerk defensiveness and justification. Try some empathy toward your wife. Just a hint to help you get started. You will have to stop thinking about yourself to do that.


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## EleGirl

How old is your baby?


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## soulseer

I wasn't on my baby's radar until he was 3months old.

It was very frustrating for me as I wanted to be involved but baby didn't want to be with me until around 3 months. I hear you, but you have to try break in.

Kitty litter, dog poop and trash are not the things a man let's the woman he loves touch. Ever.

I hear you that women can be confusing. I am very confused most of the time. What I have learnt is that at certain times in a marriage a man has to show he cares. 

Getting her a small inexpensive yet thoughtful 'I care' gift when she said no gifts would have been a perfect way to show her you care. 

My wife became distant when she had a baby. Or rather I felt displaced by this wonderful little baby and it hurt to not be the center of the woman I loves life. It created a little resentment from my part that grew in a feedback loop between us. 

Don't make my mistake. Build a new relationship with the mother if your child and your child. Do small token 'I care' things.

Right now she is needing action rather than words. Good Luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer*

You are definitely not taking care of what you should. 

If you can't remember put reminders in your phone.

Remind yourself every day to:
Take out the trash,
Pick up the dog poop
Take out the cat littler
Message your wife saying something nice
Tell your wife she's sexy/ beautiful/ has great hair or whatever is true at the time. 

Spend more time interacting with your child. You sound so disinterested that must be disheartening for your wife. If the baby is crying learn to sooth it. Insist your wife have some time alone every day while you care for and actually do things with the baby. Show her you care and can be responsible. 

Yes you can have hobbies, but your wife and child come first. Make sure you take care if them and your wife won't care if you go to base ball, and she will be even happier if you text her when you are out telling her you miss her and asking about the baby. 

It sounds like you could easily do a whole bunch of little things that would make a big difference to your lives. Or you could keep on keeping on and end up divorced. It's up to you.


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## EleGirl

Cat box.. look up kitty litter and human pregnancy. Do not let your wife clean the kitty litter. 
The best thing you can so is to get an electric kitty litter box. It self-cleans after each kitty visit. The dirt goes into a bag. Then you just throw the bag out. There are even kitty toilets now that flush

Shop for this Littermaid Classic Self-Cleaning Cat Litter Box and more kitty litter products at Walmart.com

This self-cleaning litter box automatically flushes all cat waste out of the home then washes itself completely clean.
CatGenie 120 Cat Litter Box - Self Cleaning Litter Box and Automatic Litter Box from petco.com

I had the electric one with my last cat. I will never go back to a normal kitty litter box. When I get my next cat, I’m getting one of the ones that flush. Oh yea. 

No matter what kind of kitty litter box you have. YOU clean it daily.


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## EleGirl

You wife's birthday. She said no present. She did not say no card. 

Always get her a card. A card is not a present. 

You should have done something nice instead of

a present. Cook a nice meal. Bring home her favorite dessert and a bottle of wine (If she can have wine right now.) 

Her not asking for a gift was because she is worried about money. You might have money but she is dirt poor... because you are being stingy with finances. 

You are one lucky man that she has not left yet with your child. the way it's going it will not be long. 

Are you ok with losing your wife and child? It's going to happen very soon unless you wake up.


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## samr

My daughter is 5 months old. 

You don't think so but I am doing the best I can. My wife is very independent and has always taken care of things. She normally isn't needy. So I am not used to this.


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## MissFroggie

EleGirl said:


> Cat box.. look up kitty litter and human pregnancy. Do not let your wife clean the kitty litter.
> The best thing you can so is to get an electric kitty litter box. It self-cleans after each kitty visit. The dirt goes into a bag. Then you just throw the bag out. There are even kitty toilets now that flush
> 
> Shop for this Littermaid Classic Self-Cleaning Cat Litter Box and more kitty litter products at Walmart.com
> 
> This self-cleaning litter box automatically flushes all cat waste out of the home then washes itself completely clean.
> CatGenie 120 Cat Litter Box - Self Cleaning Litter Box and Automatic Litter Box from petco.com
> 
> I had the electric one with my last cat. I will never go back to a normal kitty litter box. When I get my next cat, I’m getting one of the ones that flush. Oh yea.
> 
> No matter what kind of kitty litter box you have. YOU clean it daily.


EleGirl - this is so cool!!! I want one, but with a cover because I have a boy cat and, like some men lol, he can accidentally miss. I didn't even know these existed


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## *LittleDeer*

samr said:


> My daughter is 5 months old.
> 
> You don't think so but I am doing the best I can. My wife is very independent and has always taken care of things. She normally isn't needy. So I am not used to this.


It's not needy to expect you to step as a father and a husband.


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## LonelyinLove

The litter box gets scooped every day. 

Just because she told you not to get her a B-day present doesn't mean you shouldn't.

You hold your baby until she stops crying...how will she ever get used to you.

Open a joint account....you need a joint everything...this is marriage!

Time to give up some of your activites...be it the gym or the team...you are a new father...man-up.

You keep the little one while your wife goes to the gym, gets her hair done, etc....it's your Baby too.


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## MissFroggie

samr said:


> You don't think so but I am doing the best I can.


No we don't think so ... but we don't even matter, we're just random strangers on the internet. The problem is that your WIFE doesn't think so either!

If you were my child I'd be grounding you and taking your internet and gaming privileges until you had done your chores and learned a little respect ... shame your parents didn't do that when they had the chance.

How can you not get it? You're supposed to look after your family. You are supposed to make their lives easier and happier. If it is easier to be a single mum than live with you then you are doing something very wrong! Your wife has it tougher than I had it as a single mum! 

She is so vulnerable - such traumatic body and hormonal changes, a new baby and that responsibility, risk of post-natal depression, unable to go out or have a break, sleepless nights and exhaustion, fear, anxiety, confusion, loss of body confidence, loss of general confidence ... and you need to step up to help her through it. Added worries about finances because you won't share, added pressure running about looking after you because you're too lazy and selfish, isolation because people think she has support because she is married!


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## South Accountant

Samr, you need hands on help, from a man that knows how to deal with new life when baby into play. You don't need somebody to talk to you, but to show you how.... You know...I wouldn't dare to wait one day not to clean after dogs or cats if that's what would bother her, wouldn' t be so .... waiting to ''feel for'' to move my .... and do things. I would rather say the last word = yes darling....and do the whatever and believe me it wouldn t make me her slipper, but the king.


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## LonelyinLove

samr said:


> My daughter is 5 months old.
> 
> You don't think so but I am doing the best I can. My wife is very independent and has always taken care of things. She normally isn't needy. So I am not used to this.


Well cry me a river, your life has changed :scratchhead:

Do you think she is used to motherhood? To little sleep? To a shower when she can fit it in? To no time for herself? To apparently being a single mother to two babies? A little one and a big one????

Really? 

I don't suppose you're quite getting the response you envisioned....


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your child cries because he/she doesn't know you well. You need to spend more time with your wife and child. This marriage won't work if you keep on leaving and doing what you want to do. You need to take your wife's feelings into consideration.

I do agree with the others on here. You are married and have a family, they come first. You are putting yourself first and not being nice to your wife. Raising infants is not an easy task by any means. Actually the first 3-4 years of a babies life can be pretty exhausting.

My husband never once passed back a crying baby to me when I asked for a break. He tried his best to sooth our child and it worked. My husband put his activities on the side(gym, fantasy football, hunting, fishing) until the kids were older, especially if I asked him to. 

Good luck. The first thing you can do is get to know your baby and help out your wife a bit more. Once you really start helping, your wife will naturally want to be intimate again.


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## anchorwatch

If you doing the best you can, are you doing any of these?

The Most Important Emotional Needs

Or are you doing these?

Love Busters


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## MissFroggie

Maybe we are going about this the wrong way around. Instead of focusing on you, you should consider what you wife's options are. She can stay in this unsupported, inconsiderate and disrespectful marriage, or she can be a single mum.

People treat you differently as a single mum to when you have a partner. Sure, some people look down on you and judge 'rod for your own back' and all that, but MOST people watch out for you and help you because they know you do not have the support of a loving partner.

As a single mum if you need a break friends will babysit. If you need some boxes or furniture moved they'll bring their husbands over - you sit in the kitchen having a coffee while their husbands do the lifting - their husbands are happy to help because it increases their self-worth, honours their own wife and reinforces to their wife how wonderful they are and how lucky they are to have them! If you need financial help companies are kinder and more considerate, they take into account your position and will help you pay in installments, friends too will help you in this way because they know you have no-one else to turn to. People don't worry about you potentially being offended if they offer you hand-me-down clothes, toys, books etc for your child ... I even got hand-me-down clothes for me too! People are willing and ready to help you out in whatever ways you need, big or small. They respect it is hard as a single mum. You also have the potential to meet someone who will be kind with his words, considerate in his actions and supportive in every way.

As a husband and father you have a long way to go to fulfill her needs, but if you open your eyes to the reality of your situation and make changes now you will strengthen your marriage and keep your family.

When the day comes when your wife tells you how much harder it is for her friend who is a single mum and how lucky she is to have you, then you will know you have succeeded!


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## LonelyinLove

lfortender said:


> I understand what you're living. Nobody likes the bossy wifes, drives me crazy. I hate it! It seems like your wife wants to boss on you, you need to stop and realize what are doing wrong and what are you doing right.


Said the married man who is jealous of his wife at church, flirts at work with another woman and thinks he's in love with her, until the same day he decides she's boring, then demands sexual activities his wife finds repugnant, and then wants to know if he can sleep around....

Ifortender...this may get me in trouble, but I'm pretty sure you are one of the last people the OP needs to hear from


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## MissFroggie

LonelyinLove said:


> Said the married man who is jealous of his wife at church, flirts at work with another woman and thinks he's in love with her, until the same day he decides she's boring, then demands sexual activities his wife finds repugnant, and then wants to know if he can sleep around....
> 
> Ifortender...this may get me in trouble, but I'm pretty sure you are one of the last people the OP needs to hear from


Just looked up his previous posts!!! Wow, all about sex, porn and cheating on his wife! Hardly the kind of man and husband you would aspire to emulate!


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## azteca1986

samr said:


> I spend time with my daughter but I can't help it if she cries. *It bothers me that she doesn't seem to like me. *I have been trying to hold her more. If I didn't read any books does that make me a bad dad? I didn't read books, but I look stuff up on the internet a lot and ask the guys at work who have kids.


This is good; it should bother you. Your little girl considers you a stranger. Don't be. Get involved. Bathe her. Burp her. Play with her. Be the first one there when she wakes up. Who cares if she cries at first? Don't be discouraged. Don't give up so easy. Your determination to be a good father can stand a bit of crying in the initial stages as you bond. 

ETA: Don't let your 5-month-old daughter dictate the dynamics of your relationship. 



> So I am supposed to do nothing but go to work and come home and help out around the house? I think I can have other interests. If she wanted to join a team or do yoga I wouldn't make her feel bad about it. She is the one who says she can't because *the baby won't go to anyone but her. *So, if she's playing with the baby, I should just sit and stare at a wall and not go for a run or do fantasy stuff?


My wife said the same. Don't take it to heart. 

And if your wife is playing with the baby, get involved. Take pictures of them both (You can never have too many pictures). Play with her too. You gotta be an active participant in raising your child now; you'll regret it otherwise.


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## Tron

samr said:


> My daughter is 5 months old.
> 
> You don't think so but I am doing the best I can. My wife is very independent and has always taken care of things. She normally isn't needy. So I am not used to this.


Get used to it! She is a new mom and now has a little kid to take care of in addition to the big kid that she used to take care of...that's YOU bub. She is stressed, probably dealing with post partem, has a 2nd baby she is taking care of, probably not getting much sleep and is starting to get resentful.

Time for you to step up! Get yourself organized and take some of the load off. It is ok to go to the gym, softball etc. but when you get home it isn't cool to sit in front of the TV while she is caring for the baby, making your dinner, washing your clothes, etc. Get with her and start dividing up responsibilities. And when you say you are going to get them done, GET THEM DONE!

As far as the birthday, you are failing Fitness Tests left and right. If you don't get your $hit together she is going to replace you and you are going to wind up a weekend dad.


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## samr

I'm not all bad, guys. I kept it real simple and didn't write everything that's going on, just the basics. My wife is not alone. She has me. She has her parents. She was popular at work when she was there and has friends that come around. 

You gotta understand that since the day we met, she has been independent. She never needed anything from me. I liked that she didn't expect me to buy stuff for her. I got her flowers a couple times and I cook dinner alot. I offer to buy her stuff, but most of the time she says thanks, but she doesn't need whatever it is. She has never had good self esteem. The woman is 40, looks 25 and she gets compliments where ever we go. I think self esteem is a big issue for her. She says I make it worse because by me not showing her that I care, it makes her think she's not worth my time or effort. That's what we fight about the most. She said the cat/dog poop/garbage thing humiliated her. I show her I care in my own way, though. I call from work almost everyday to check on her but she doesn't pick up the phone on purpose. It makes me look bad because all the other guy's wives call them , but mine doesn't. 

I looked at those links from marriage builders. I guess I will read that stuff too. Looking at these comments from you guys, I guess I have to show her more.


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## Tron

I am also going to add that it doesn't sound like you have truly bonded with the baby yet. That is perfectly normal while it is as young as yours is. I have had 3 and it takes a little while...9 months to a year normally. When they start talking and/or walking and smiling at you and reacting to you, it will hit you. Be patient.

Your W is taking care of that little one 24/7 and is all the baby knows. If you want to do something with the baby and let your W take a break, get the stroller out and take the baby for a walk. 

Sex with your W, while important to you, unfortunately is not going to be high on her priority list when she is worn out at the end of every day. She does need to make a little time for you, but you are going to have to do what you need to do to get her in the mood. Footrubs, cook dinner, be romantic...maybe the ladies can chime in with some advice on that. I don't have a miracle to offer you there 'cause I certainly wasn't getting laid like tile the first year after my 3 were born.


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## MissFroggie

samr said:


> My wife is not alone. She has me. She has her parents. She was popular at work when she was there and has friends that come around.


Maybe she feels alone. It's hard being home all day with a baby and you don't get much back from them for the first while. She's also probably exhausted...I know I was!  She's also lost her figure (I know you say it is back, but to her she will notice the difference and need time to get used to her new shape) and her work, which gave her self-worth and interaction with others. She might not be totally alone, but loneliness is a common feeling with a young child. It's harder than you realise hon!



samr said:


> You gotta understand that since the day we met, she has been independent. She never needed anything from me. I liked that she didn't expect me to buy stuff for her. I got her flowers a couple times and I cook dinner alot. I offer to buy her stuff, but most of the time she says thanks, but she doesn't need whatever it is.


Maybe she has been independent because she has had to be. now she has a baby making demands on her all the time. She needs her husband to help and look after both her and the baby. Everyone needs help raising a child, it is not a one-person job. And just because she says she doesn't need something doesn't mean you can't still buy her something nice. Missing her birthday was a big error but can be fixed if you start nurturing her more. She might not NEED something, but you should be fulfilling her needs anyway. The best gifts are things you don't need but make you feel nurtured and loved. Buy her things that make her feel better, not just things she needs! A really good one would be to pay for her to have her hair done, or go for a relaxation massage - look after the baby for her while she goes  She deserves it - she's the mother of your baby and your wife!



samr said:


> She has never had good self esteem. The woman is 40, looks 25 and she gets compliments where ever we go. I think self esteem is a big issue for her. She says I make it worse because by me not showing her that I care, it makes her think she's not worth my time or effort. That's what we fight about the most.


All the more reason to work harder at helping her. She needs to feel good about herself not used. If she asks you to do something, do it straight away, not when you feel like it a week later. Better still, don't wait to be asked. Condition yourself to look for things to do that will help her. It will get easier as you get used to it. At very least you should be picking up after yourself and making sure having you around doesn't add to her workload. It really does get easier with practise and you'll start to see the benefits - her smiling and happier for one and once it is a habit believe me intimacy will come naturally!



samr said:


> She said the cat/dog poop/garbage thing humiliated her. I show her I care in my own way, though.


Showing her you care in your own way is not working. You need to show it in HER way. At the moment she is not getting what she needs from you and if you don't step up to that and start showing her you care in HER way, don't be surprised if she moves on, you're a part time dad and someone else becomes full-time daddy to your daughter. That's not being nasty, it's reality hon, you have to nurture her the way she needs to be nurtured, not your own way.



samr said:


> I call from work almost everyday to check on her but she doesn't pick up the phone on purpose. It makes me look bad because all the other guy's wives call them , but mine doesn't.


Maybe it is not on purpose. your natural reaction shouldn't be to blame your partner, but to make every possible excuse for them. She could be busy with the baby or catching 40 winks while the baby sleeps for a blessed half an hour. Assume she is busy rather than deliberately ignoring you. And who cares what the guys think? You didn't marry them, have a baby with them ... you don't go to bed with them. If they think less of you because your wife is busy looking after your baby then they're idiots. When she has your support when you are there she will miss you when you're not and then the calls will start. Right now she doesn't miss you when you're at work because it is less effort than when you're home, help her more and she will miss you and your support when you're not there.



samr said:


> I looked at those links from marriage builders. I guess I will read that stuff too.


You haven't read it already? You got the links and have pushed them aside for 'when you feel like it'. You must break that habit and start taking things more seriously. I read the links as soon as they were up and it's not even my problem! They don't take long, just like taking out the bin or changing the kitty litter, it doesn't take long so just do it straight away. You're so desperate for help but leave the links for another time? That's quite disrespectful to the kind stranger who bothered to source those links and share them with you ... it is not dissimilar to how you're treating your wife right now. Respect is more important than love. You can respect someone without loving them but it is impossible to love someone without respecting them. If your wife feels disrespected it follows that she will feel unloved. If you love her, show it.



samr said:


> Looking at these comments from you guys, I guess I have to show her more.


Yes you do lol ... but you can turn this around. It will take a lot of effort to start off with, but as it becomes habit you will find yourself helping her without even thinking about it or feeling you have done anything. You will reap the rewards of her being happy and calm. Your child will have a better environment to grow up in. You'll start enjoying being at home and spending time with your family. Nurturing your family is the most natural thing in the world. Once you start you'll look back and wonder why on earth you thought fantasy games and the gym were better...you'll be able to do those things too though once you have brought your house back into order. I'd like to say good luck, but it has nothing to do with luck, so I'll say work hard instead. If you want it, you can do it!


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## samr

No, I do appreciate all the responses I got with advice even
If it was not what I thought would happen. And the links
Are good. I couldn't read them but printed some
Questionaires and will bring them home today. I have off
Work this weekend so I will sit down and fill them
Out with her.
Not that this is an excuse but I have only had
One other relationship besides my wife. She always
Wanted me to come to counseling with her and said the
Counselor would help me see I need to step it up.
I never went. I didn't think I was being wrong. But I guess
So because every single person replied saying
I need to do better. So I will try. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

samr said:


> No, I do appreciate all the responses I got with advice even
> If it was not what I thought would happen. And the links
> Are good. I couldn't read them but printed some
> Questionaires and will bring them home today. I have off
> Work this weekend so I will sit down and fill them
> Out with her.
> Not that this is an excuse but I have only had
> One other relationship besides my wife. She always
> Wanted me to come to counseling with her and said the
> Counselor would help me see I need to step it up.
> I never went. I didn't think I was being wrong. But I guess
> So because every single person replied saying
> I need to do better. So I will try. Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are not taught in school how relationships work. We all have to learn. Like you, we all seek improvement. You can see that by reading the threads in the other forums on the site. 

Hoping your marriage does well. 
Good luck


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## badcompany

1st child it looks like. 
Unfortunately they don't teach guys what to do and expect. Your wife is facing a combo of hormonal changes, poor sleep, recovering figure, and possibly some post-partum depression.
I've been there, but wasn't off playing fantasy football. I was working full time, finishing up things with our house, building a deck, finishing our garage, and got my MIL to come stay with us and help and I still got the cold shoulder. My "fun" times have gone from a couple times a week to once a month. You gotta man up and let the hobbies collect some dust for awhile.


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## Tron

Samr,

It is great that you are taking this advice to heart. If you don't, you will either wind up divorced or your W is going to resent the hell out of you for the rest of your life. She gave you a child for crying out loud.

Being a dad is life changing stuff. Put the fantasy football on the back burner for a year or two. It is ok to try and stay in shape, but the hobbies need to be put aside for a while too. I would recommend you continue at the gym (an hour 3 or 4 times a week) cause you are going to need an outlet, but other than that get involved in what is going on with your W and kid.

1st step is to apologize and tell her you did not know what to expect, you were never taught what you were supposed to do. Ask for forgiveness and get to work. 

Your 'fun' life is going to have to take a back seat the first year or two; that is just the way it is.

Good luck.


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## samr

Things didn't go so great this weekend. I told her I loved her and missed how things used to be and she said she appreciated the sentiments but that it was "too little too late." 

We didn't fill out any of the papers I brought home from that website. I really thought we'd have a good weekend just like old times. She isn't the same person anymore. I miss her laughing at my jokes and her outgoing personality. She is so quiet she hardly ever talks now. She used to not be able to keep her hands off me. She was the one who always made all the moves. I tried to hug and kiss her alot this weekend but nothing happened. I think it made her uncomfortable. Told her SHe needs to forgive me so we can be us again.


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## Tron

samr said:


> Things didn't go so great this weekend. I told her I loved her and missed how things used to be and she said she appreciated the sentiments but that it was "too little too late."


Just a warning Samr, things will never be how they used to be. You two are parents now. Reminiscing on the past is not going to help you. What will help is working on how things are going to change for the future.




samr said:


> We didn't fill out any of the papers I brought home from that website. I really thought we'd have a good weekend just like old times. She isn't the same person anymore. I miss her laughing at my jokes and her outgoing personality. She is so quiet she hardly ever talks now. She used to not be able to keep her hands off me. She was the one who always made all the moves. I tried to hug and kiss her alot this weekend but nothing happened. I think it made her uncomfortable. Told her SHe needs to forgive me so we can be us again.


Well, at least you are consistent. She resents the hell out of you right now. And sex is that last thing on her mind.

You told her she needed to forgive you, huh? She is about to $hitcan your azz and you are telling her what she needs to do? Good luck with that. 

You are the one that made the mistakes and haven't manned up. This is about you, not her.

Maybe you ought to go look up the word "empathy" in the dictionary. Ponder that for a while. When you understand her perspective then you might ask for her forgiveness and tell her what you plan to do in the future to be the man she needs you to be. 

Cause if you cannot get to that place, I would suggest you go find a lawyer and get ready for the D that is coming.

Just curious, what was your childhood like?


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## azteca1986

Sorry your weekend didn't go as planned. I suspect your wife won't be attracted to you till you demonstrate you fatherhood qualities.

Did you manage to bond with your daughter, samr?


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## cdbaker

First thought from your last post, saying that you told her she needs to forgive you comes off as an enormous red flag. "So that we can be US again." is almost as bad. The statement reeks of control and lack of sympathy for what she is going through.

I mean, yes she does need to forgive you IF (and seriously, it's a huge IF) she wants to give the marriage a chance at healing. But it is her choice, and if she wants to, she deserves to be able to do so in her own time, and in that time you should show how much you respect her and that you are making changes she's requested in you. Second, you gotta understand that she has no interest in "being us AGAIN" because the way you were is what led to where you both are now, which SUCKS. She is questioning whether or not either of you can be a much better "us" someday, whether that is possible. Suggesting that you want anything to go back to the way it used to be, or any slight variation of that scenario will likely backfire in a huge way.

You said it yourself that she is a different person than she used to be. Some of that feeling might just be that she is hurt and is hesitant to be vulnerable to you in order to be fun and loving and all that. But some of it is likely long term change, and you either have to accept that or not. You can't do anything to make her go back to who she used to be 100%.


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## samr

I thought I was saying the right things. I really want it to be better from now on and to forget all this. We used to be best friends. I'm not sayng anything right. I told my wife that I'm sorry a bunch of times. Why will she not get over this and start over? I will do better. I told her this. I understand that I have to make changes. But it doesnt matter.

My childhood was great. I have two younger sisters. My parents were married until my dad died 10 years ago when I was 20. My wife and I met 6 years ago. We were at the same place one day and just started talking. We ended up hanging out for 3 hours. I felt like I knew her my whole life after one day. We had a lot in common. After a couple months hanging out every day I found out she'd been through a bunch of stuff. I mean alot. She didnt share alot about herself at first. I thought it was weird but she was so hot. She lost a family member in a scary way around the time my dad died so we found out we could talk to eachother about those deaths. After that she talked more. She is not a really trusting person. And that girl can hold a gruge. 

Yes my daughter is learning to sit up and smiles and laughs alot. I spent all weekend with her. I was able to stop her crying in the bathroom mirror on Sdaturday. That was cool. And i waited until my wife took my girl to the store with her to work out and play basketball.


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## cdbaker

Well, I think part of this is that you can't just sit down with her and talk and apologize her into feeling better about things. You can't just tell her that you will do better and get upset that she can't get over it and start over. I mean, you sound very frustrated over the fact that she is struggling over this, and that she has a hard time just believing you all over again when you tell her that you'll chance. As another poster here said above, it sounds like you are lacking empathy here in a big, BIG way.

Again, she is HURT. She feels BETRAYED. She feels like she entrusted you with her heart, her trust, and her emotions, and that you have stomped all over them. Then by being even SLIGHTLY frustrated that she can't just "get over it" and quickly trust you with another chance, it will make it seem like you haven't valued those elements of her that she entrusted to you at all to begin with. It shows that you do not recognize the depth of the situation here, or you do but you just don't care, or that you don't think you really did much wrong to begin with. Pushing her harder just makes you look like a controlling/manipulative person.

You can't make her feel the way you want her to feel, and you certainly can't force it. I'm not saying that I doubt your ability to do so, or that it'll be hard to do so, I'm saying that IT CAN'T BE DONE. If you want to win back your heart, then you have to ACTUALLY WIN BACK HER HEART. Words won't cut it anymore. You have to show her that you recognize that changes need to be made and that you can actually change. She needs to see proof now. And in the meantime, you can't expect much of anything from her, ESPECIALLY anything sexual.

I think the best thing you could do here is to go tell her that you are beginning to understand how she feels. That you realize that, in many ways, you have failed her, and that it crushes you to realize that. That you are aware of many changes that you need to work on, and will be be working to actively show her those changes. That you would welcome her input along the way to help you in that effort. That you respect the fact that she'll need some time to heal and rebuild trust, and maybe pursue some changes of her own as well. That ultimately, you just want her to know that you love her and have every intention of winning back her heart and being the man that she deserves. Period.


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## Tron

Alright Samr, 

Stop apologizing to her. They really don't mean much to her without action. So get to it. 

Talk less, do more.


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## SurpriseMyself

samr said:


> Didn't think I'd get blasted on here. About the cat litter. I said I'd do it and for her to leave it for me to do. But she wanted it scooped every day and it didn't always need to be. Since I didn't do it her way, she just did it herself and still does. I do the trash now.
> 
> I spend time with my daughter but I can't help it if she cries. It bothers me that she doesn't seem to like me. I have been trying to hold her more. If I didn't read any books does that make me a bad dad? I didn't read books, but I look stuff up on the internet a lot and ask the guys at work who have kids.
> 
> So I am supposed to do nothing but go to work and come home and help out around the house? I think I can have other interests. If she wanted to join a team or do yoga I wouldn't make her feel bad about it. She is the one who says she can't because the baby won't go to anyone but her. So, if she's playing with the baby, I should just sit and stare at a wall and not go for a run or do fantasy stuff?
> 
> I get what you are saying, but I know I can do the stuff that makes me happy and still be a good dad. My wife has always been independent since day 1. I don't get why all of a sudden she's complaining. I don't buy the happy wife happy life thing. If I'm always catering to her then I'm not happy, what good is that?
> 
> I do help out, just not to her standards I guess.


Oh, Samr. A lot of this reminds me of how things were for us after our first child was born. So, a few things:

1. She's probably still going through some major emotional changes due to hormones.

2. Becoming a new mom is very challenging. It's a new role, a new life, a new identity. She needs your support right now.

3. If you are off working out, etc., while she's stuck at home, she's probably feeling resentful and maybe even trapped. 

4. If you don't learn how to relate to your baby, you will struggle. Just do it! It'll start to feel natural after a while.

Good luck. Don't just let this stuff slide. My H and I are on our way to divorce, and it all started going downhill when our first child was born. Don't let that happen to you.


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## Tron

cdbaker said:


> I think the best thing you could do here is to go tell her that you are beginning to understand how she feels. That you realize that, in many ways, you have failed her, and that it crushes you to realize that. That you are aware of many changes that you need to work on, and will be be working to actively show her those changes. That you would welcome her input along the way to help you in that effort. That you respect the fact that she'll need some time to heal and rebuild trust, and maybe pursue some changes of her own as well. That ultimately, you just want her to know that you love her and have every intention of winning back her heart and being the man that she deserves. Period.


I agree with this sentiment, but if you choose to actually discuss it in this way, do it one time. After that it is strictly going to be about what you are doing now, not what you did in the past. That is all behind you and you can't do anything about it.

Talk less, do more.


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## azteca1986

samr said:


> I thought I was saying the right things. I really want it to be better from now on and to forget all this. We used to be best friends. I'm not sayng anything right. I told my wife that I'm sorry a bunch of times. Why will she not get over this and start over? I will do better. I told her this. I understand that I have to make changes. But it doesnt matter.


It does matter. You're not going to change the way your wife feels over a single weekend. You can never go back to the way things were. Your daughter has changed that dynamic permanently. Follow the advice of the other posters, it's good.



> Yes my daughter is learning to sit up and smiles and laughs alot. I spent all weekend with her. I was able to stop her crying in the bathroom mirror on Sdaturday. That was cool. And i waited until my wife took my girl to the store with her to work out and play basketball.


Good stuff. Keep it up (until you die  )


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## clipclop2

That's the way to go... Show her you mean business. Do what needs to be done before she has the opportunity to tell you to do it. This requires you to become fully aware of your environment.

Then it is on to small displays of affection. Grabbing her hand when you are out. Looking at her with love and appreciation. Smuggling with her and your daughter on the couch. Kissing your wife in the hardware store (or anywhere). 

Take it slow. But make it stick.

And no more telling her she has to forgive you. Or that you need her to forgive you.

Look up Chapman's 5 Languages of Apology.

This is like college with all the assignments, eh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samr

I never really read anything in college and did pretty good just paying attention in class. This is harder work for sure. It never was this hard between us. I don't know it is worth it.


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## Mavash.

I went back and reread your original post. Sounds to me like this has been a problem before you became parents.


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## Tron

samr said:


> I never really read anything in college and did pretty good just paying attention in class. This is harder work for sure. It never was this hard between us. I don't know it is worth it.


Wow! Who would have thought that a marriage might take a little work? Or that you might have to give up fantasy football for it?

Maybe you should just get out of this marriage and start a new one. Then, when that one fails or the next one after that fails, you can come back here and ask us what was wrong with all your previous wives. 

I am not saying your W doesn't have any issues, because I see a few things that might be red flags, but I think you might do yourself some good with a little IC.


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## samr

We did not fight as much before getting married and having a baby. But it was the same kind of stuff. Her complaining about what I don't do and other mistakes I made. She will bring up something I did 4 years ago. I don't want to give up. I know you guys are trying to help. I apprecate that. But it's hard because I don't even want to come home from work now because she's still mad still quiet. I just want things back to normal. I know youguys said that will never happen but it really could if she would believe me when i say i'm sorry and mean it. I tried really hard all weekend, did so much stuff was so helpful and she said thank you in an email to me but thats all.

Tron what does IC mean? And what also do you mean by she has red flags.


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## TiggyBlue

samr said:


> I know youguys said that *will never happen but it really could if she would believe me when i say i'm sorry and mean it*. I tried really hard all weekend, did so much stuff was so helpful and she said thank you in an email to me but thats all.


It can happen but it will take a long process, a weekend of trying hard is just the beginning.


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## Tron

Some red flags:



samr said:


> You gotta understand that since the day we met, she has been independent. She never needed anything from me.


In marriage I think it isn't good to be too independent. Too independent and you really aren't together, if you know what I mean...some people make it work I guess, but... 



samr said:


> She has never had good self esteem. The woman is 40, looks 25 and she gets compliments where ever we go.


A good looking woman with self esteem issues = not unusual but potential red flag. What is her FOO (Family Of Origin) like? How were things for her growing up?



samr said:


> I think self esteem is a big issue for her. She says I make it worse because by me not showing her that I care, it makes her think she's not worth my time or effort.


Is she confident and independent or does she need you to lavish her with attention? Does she want you to dote on her? I can't really tell.



samr said:


> I call from work almost everyday to check on her but she doesn't pick up the phone on purpose.


This is just rude. Does she deal with conflict in a passive-aggressive manner?



samr said:


> It makes me look bad because all the other guy's wives call them, but mine doesn't.


So, does she want a relationship with you as H and W? Or not?

I also see some control issues in your M. She has been trying to exert control over things that perhaps you had taken care of before? Control over you and your activities? Normally these issues arise with women when they feel insecure. Even resentful. Talk about divorce, separation, being unsure if you can deal with her etc. doesn't help that BTW. 

Oh Yeah, 
IC = Independent Counseling
MC = Marriage Counseling


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## Tron

And one solid weekend, is just the start. You did good. 

She needs to know that this is not a one-shot deal, so keep it up. Be patient, she will come around.

From now on try not to engage in argument with her. Be helpful, do the things she needs for you to do, follow through and do what you say. Send her nice texts. Do little things here and there that show her that you are thinking about her or that show that you are listening. 

If you have a good memory, let us know how your interactions go. We may be able to give you some insight into what she is thinking.


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## cdbaker

You have to realize that marriage is the LONG HAUL. Saying that you worked really hard this past weekend and are frustrated that you haven't seen any results, to a group like this... well it makes me wonder what in the world you are expecting. If the marriage is in trouble, it'll take months and likely a year or three to fully resolve, in an ideal scenario. It'd be one thing if you goofed and screwed up one time, but again she likely feels burned many times over, so she simply is not going to just believe you and move on as if it didn't happen. How could you possibly, possibly expect her to just believe you? Because you really really mean it THIS TIME?

I'm not trying to rant on you here, I'm sorry. But you've gotta understand that making things right after a long period of blowing it is going to be hard, and it is going to take a lot of time, and in the meantime you should set your expectations for her VERY VERY LOW. Don't expect lots of affection, don't expect sex, nor should you push her for sex. Let her see you making that effort over a long period of time and let her decide when she is feeling better about things. When she is, she'll let you know as far as affection, but you can never stop your effort. You can't reach a point where you think, "Whew! Ok, things are back where they aught to be. Now I can stop and relax."


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## samr

Tron said:


> Some red flags:
> 
> 
> 
> In marriage I think it isn't good to be too independent. Too independent and you really aren't together, if you know what I mean...some people make it work I guess, but...


I tried to be the guy in the relationship, but even when we started dating, she paid for her own dinners and movie tickets and stuff and even treated me more than I did for her. I wanted to pay every time but she was weird about it. Before me she was with a real controlling guy that threatened her. My wifes been to counseling and told me the lady said she might be doing all that so that she never feels like shes not going to be trapped again and has control over her life.?

I can't figure out how to quote more then 1 thing, so I'll just answer here. Her foo = good childhood mostly. But was kind of molested by a male neighbor who babysat for her and her bro. Been to counseling for that to. Her mom and dad live nearby and have been married for something like 40 years. Damn she better not be on this message bored to see I put that info on here.

She doesnt take compliments well. its annoying. If I tell her shes pretty she seems uncomfortable. She does not make eye contact alot that also bothers me and ive told her this before. so, no, i dont have to dote on her. she never wants presents for any holiday or anything. I made her a scrapbook of stuff we've done a couple Christmases ago and she cried. she really liked that gift. she hates jewelry.

I told her it hurts my feelings when she doesnt answer the phone when i call at work. she said the only reason she doesnt is because i always say i love you at the end and she doesn't want to have to say it back to me.

She always wanted to keep trying on our marriage until now with the baby. She has never been mad at me this long so I dont know if she wants to save it or not. She keeps talking about divorce. But I tell her no.


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## thatcleanhippyguy

I feel sorry for you dude. To be honest I don't think the issue is you. It's her. She sounds like high maintenance and she's not given you any chance at all. Sounds like you are sorry too and I don't blame you for getting frustrated. Your a man. She should expect mistakes and negligence. That does not mean you love her any less. I would just save time and book an intervention and get a counselor in the room. I wouldn't take that sort of crap. She is being completely unreasonable and I can't stand that hormone excuse. Pregnant women, from everything I have heard can be a royal pain in the ass. I have no sympathy for pregnant women and I know when or if my wife gets pregnant I will have to "play ball" anyways, which I am not looking forward to. Call me an old school brute but they managed just fine on their own in the past. Marriage is for better or worse, not better or pregnant. You made your mistakes and are now fessing up to them. What more does she want? I'll tell you, someone else. Let her have what she wants and she might change her mind after. Reverse psychology yo! 

She wants a divorce you say. Then do it. It's in YOUR best interest. A woman that does not want jewelry is just plain messed up, or bipolar or something crazy. There are so many women that would love what you have to offer.


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## TiggyBlue

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> Your a man. She should expect mistakes and negligence.


That's the problem he's a man not a infant, everyone makes mistakes but being a man (or women) isn't a factor in others expectations (especially when it comes to negligence).



> You made your mistakes and are now fessing up to them. What more does she want?


Actions, words are cheap (and it will take a constant show of actions that things will change).


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## justonelife

Honestly, I think the ONLY hope you have now of saving your marriage is to make an appointment pronto with a marriage counselor. Show your wife that you are serious about making some changes.


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## Tron

You said she was 40 years old. How long have you two been married?

Did she have many boyfriends before you? Married before?


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## justonelife

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> I feel sorry for you dude. To be honest I don't think the issue is you. It's her. She sounds like high maintenance and she's not given you any chance at all. Sounds like you are sorry too and I don't blame you for getting frustrated. Your a man. She should expect mistakes and negligence. That does not mean you love her any less. I would just save time and book an intervention and get a counselor in the room. I wouldn't take that sort of crap. She is being completely unreasonable and I can't stand that hormone excuse. Pregnant women, from everything I have heard can be a royal pain in the ass. I have no sympathy for pregnant women and I know when or if my wife gets pregnant I will have to "play ball" anyways, which I am not looking forward to. Call me an old school brute but they managed just fine on their own in the past. Marriage is for better or worse, not better or pregnant. You made your mistakes and are now fessing up to them. What more does she want? I'll tell you, someone else. Let her have what she wants and she might change her mind after. Reverse psychology yo!
> 
> She wants a divorce you say. Then do it. It's in YOUR best interest. A woman that does not want jewelry is just plain messed up, or bipolar or something crazy. There are so many women that would love what you have to offer.


I really hope this is a joke but I fear it's not. Good luck to your wife.


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## Tron

samr said:


> I can't figure out how to quote more then 1 thing, so I'll just answer here.


You can use the "multi" button below each post or copy and paste the name and numbers as you see them when you hit the "Quote" button. this is just and example: "[QUOTE = person;##### ]" _text here_ "[ / QUOTE ]"


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## thatcleanhippyguy

The last paragraph was yes. But i'm not kidding. If she wants a divorce, maybe test her on it. 

But your best bet is to get a MC for sure. Lol.


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## thatcleanhippyguy

-


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## Tron

The molestation in her childhood is another red flag. A pretty big one IMO.

I am inclined to recommend you two get into some MC together. And IC individually. 

Hippyguy's opinion notwithstanding, I think you have a few things you need to work on, but nothing major. The relationship with your W is gonna need some work. 

Are you sure she isn't dealing with PPD or isn't BiPolar or BPD?


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## *LittleDeer*

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> I feel sorry for you dude. To be honest I don't think the issue is you. It's her. She sounds like high maintenance and she's not given you any chance at all. Sounds like you are sorry too and I don't blame you for getting frustrated. Your a man. She should expect mistakes and negligence. That does not mean you love her any less. I would just save time and book an intervention and get a counselor in the room. I wouldn't take that sort of crap. She is being completely unreasonable and I can't stand that hormone excuse. Pregnant women, from everything I have heard can be a royal pain in the ass. I have no sympathy for pregnant women and I know when or if my wife gets pregnant I will have to "play ball" anyways, which I am not looking forward to. Call me an old school brute but they managed just fine on their own in the past. Marriage is for better or worse, not better or pregnant. You made your mistakes and are now fessing up to them. What more does she want? I'll tell you, someone else. Let her have what she wants and she might change her mind after. Reverse psychology yo!
> 
> She wants a divorce you say. Then do it. It's in YOUR best interest. A woman that does not want jewelry is just plain messed up, or bipolar or something crazy. There are so many women that would love what you have to offer.


Your definition of a man is one who is enabled by his wife to be irresponsible whie she takes care of everything, and women should expect that? 

I don't know who your role models are but my father was a real mans man, he played sports, went out for beers, but we always came first. 

When we were babies, he fed and changed us, he left my mum catch up on sleep. He did some house work and more of it when they were both working full time, washing shopping etc. my mum never asked him, he just did because he is a man who is mature enough to understand that a marriage takes two. 

He's not a man any one messes with, but he's a great dad and husband.


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## clipclop2

You don't know it is worth it? 

You know that shines through to her, right? You got married. You made a baby. Sorry it isn't all skittles and roses.

Son, grow up. 

What exactly did you expect? You came here less than a good lover and less than a good father. She has been responding to your immaturity and lack of love and commitment all this time.

I thought there was hope for you but I was wrong. You don't have what it takes to be a man. You are a boy. A quitter. I'm very disappointed in you. 

You are a father. You are a husband. You chose those things. Things. Listen to me! You chose to marry a woman and I bet there were some vows spoken. You have created a new life. TOGETHER.

Red flags. You presented many. She married you anyway. You are even there.

So what are you going to do? You can listen to what you want to hear or you can do what you know is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samr

We actually talked a little last night. I have off
Work today and I'm going to help with both
Babies instead of going to play basketball with
My friends. She seemed real happy about that.
I made breakfast to. 

I don't know what any of those abbreviations are
But I'm sure she isn't bipolar. My sisters are, I swear to
God but my wife isn't. She has been to a counselor
On and off never diagnosed or anything. Not on meds
Doesn't drink often and is a real healthy person.
The babysitter guy isn't even the worst thing she's
Delt with. Obviously I was attracted to her looks when we
First met but after getting to now her I started to admire
How strong she is. She handles everything.shes is the strongest
Person I know. I look up to her
You guys sure know how to kick a persons butt. Thanks for advice
Will let you now how it goes. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyinLove

Atta boy! Just keep it up!


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## EleGirl

samr said:


> We did not fight as much before getting married and having a baby. But it was the same kind of stuff. Her complaining about what I don't do and other mistakes I made. She will bring up something I did 4 years ago. I don't want to give up. I know you guys are trying to help. I apprecate that. But it's hard because I don't even want to come home from work now because she's still mad still quiet. I* just want things back to normal. I know youguys said that will never happen but it really could if she would believe me when i say i'm sorry and mean it. *I tried really hard all weekend, did so much stuff was so helpful and she said thank you in an email to me but thats all.
> 
> Tron what does IC mean? And what also do you mean by she has red flags.


Things will never be back to what you think of as 'normal'.. that being what they were before you two had a baby. But if you learn how to be a good father and husband, you will both grow as people, grow closer together and you two will be much better off then that old 'normal'.

IC = individual counselor.. one or just you or just her.

MC = marriage counselor


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## azteca1986

samr said:


> We actually talked a little last night. I have off
> Work today and I'm going to help with both
> Babies instead of going to play basketball with
> My friends. She seemed real happy about that.
> I made breakfast to.


That's great to hear! Keep it up.



> Obviously I was attracted to her looks when we
> First met but after getting to now her I started to admire
> How strong she is. She handles everything.shes is the strongest
> Person I know. I look up to her


Sometimes we spend too much time looking at our spouse's shortcoming. We gloss over all those things that we admire about them.

It's great you look up to her. She wants to look up to you too. It's early days but she seems to be responding to your increased engagement in your family. Keep doing what you're doing.


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## samr

Want to give you guys an update because I appreciate all you taking the time to give me advice. We have been getting along alot better. We filled out the love buster papers and then talked about our answers. she apologized for the things i wrote on my paper, like it bothers me when she doesn't answer the phone when I call to check on her from work. I have to work all this weekend and when I called yesterday morning she answered the phone. I apologized for all of the things she wrote on her list. And the last couple days I did the cat litter, emptied the dish washer, and watched the baby for two hours on Thursday while she went to get a massage because she slept on her neck wrong. My daughter didn't even cry the whole time she was gone. I took her to the park by our house and fed her baby food, and gave her a bath which I never did before.

She"s been giving me hugs when I get home from work to, I like that and she stopped doing that a long time ago. We even kissed a couple times. It feels really good. I definitely don't want to mess up again. 

I was not willing to do some of these things before because i didnt think I was doing anything wrong, but coming on here I thought that many people can't be wrong. all your advice worked so thank you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

samr said:


> I never really read anything in college and did pretty good just paying attention in class. This is harder work for sure. It never was this hard between us. I don't know it is worth it.



I've been married for 14 years. Our marriage has been very successful only because both my husband and I work equally hard.

Perhaps your not cut out to be a husband. There is no woman who will put up with your behavior.


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## azteca1986

Great update, samr. Keep the communication going. 

And well done on bonding with your daughter, but a word of caution on the bathing - they're slippery little blighters


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## Tron

Good job Samr. Keep it up.


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## AVR1962

Yes, you messed up. You sound very young and inmature. When you marry and start a family you have to set aside your single life's ways and engage with your wife and child. I don't know how come that is not clear. If your child is crying when you hold her/him, than you are not spending enough time with your child. You say your wife had a fir about cleaning the cat box and the dog crap while she was pg......were you aware that touching it could actually give the unborn baby something? Yeah. Whether you realize it or not, your actions are very selfish and self centered and this is why your wife will not give you the time of day. You need to listen to her ratehr than being defensive and blowing her off.


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