# Children after divorce.



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Hi all, it is looking as though my wife and I may end up divorced for a variety of reasons. My biggest concern is the welfare of my baby son. I think he is also the biggest worry my wife has.

So I would like to know how you and your ex handled taking care of your children when you split. Both my wife and I love our son very much. 

Were your kids crushed emotionally and did they act out in a negative fashion? I believe since our son is less than a year old he will be less likely impacted than if he were older.

Next question is how should my wife and I prepare for being the divorced parents of our child? I know I will be paying child support and I am fine with that. He is absolutely worth every penny and I trust my wife totally when it comes to finances.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to add any information you think I need to know outside of the questions I asked.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

lancaster said:


> Hi all, it is looking as though my wife and I may end up divorced for a variety of reasons. My biggest concern is the welfare of my baby son. I think he is also the biggest worry my wife has.
> 
> So I would like to know how you and your ex handled taking care of your children when you split. Both my wife and I love our son very much.


Hopefully better than we did. Glad to read he is your biggest worry in what is left. That's good. 



lancaster said:


> Were your kids crushed emotionally and did they act out in a negative fashion? I believe since our son is less than a year old he will be less likely impacted than if he were older.


My daughter was crushed. She was nearly seven years old. She didn't say much, but she knew me as her father. My son, who was closing in on three years old, doesn't remember much, if anything.

The new man in my ex's life took over the parenting of him and my daughter and he looks to him as being his father. He is bitter with me and seems to be very hurt due to my seeming lack of caring and little involvement in their lives. Well, both feel that way and I don't really blame them. Although, it's not because I didn't want to be. It doesn't matter the reasons. The damage is done. 



lancaster said:


> Next question is how should my wife and I prepare for being the divorced parents of our child? I know I will be paying child support and I am fine with that. He is absolutely worth every penny and I trust my wife totally when it comes to finances.


See them as much as you can . Make memories which are separate from your wife that they can look back on when you are away from them. Celebrate with them in their accomplishments and comfort them in their failings and times of illness. 



lancaster said:


> Thanks for reading and please feel free to add any information you think I need to know outside of the questions I asked.



ETA: Do the best you can without placing all blame on yourself. Accept that you cannot be or do everything that is wanted or needed. Don't blame yourself, just do the best you can and continue on. Hurts are bigger after divorce. It's just the way it is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My boys were two and five when their dad and I split. They are now 11 and 13. I have them most of the time because we live half an hour apart and my ex really isn't a parenting type, because "that's what God made women for"...his words. It's fine, I love them and don't mind doing for them. I have always spoken positively of him, even when I thought he was an a$$, and have tried very hard to be on good terms with him. He sees them on a lot of weekends and even though I remarried they still know their dad and call my hb by his first name.

My advice would be to keep good boundaries with your ex, never speak negatively of each other to your kids, and never, ever put your kids in the middle. Do not ask them what their mother does, who she sees, or anything about her life. If she brings a man around you can ask if he's nice to them but that's it. I think you may find that keeping boundaries and staying out of each others business is harder then you think, particularly if you don't want the divorce. And remember that your relationship with your kids is your business and her relationship with them is hers. Period. Your kids will make their own judgments and you don't want to be accused of putting stuff in their heads. When my kids tell me something stupid that their dad did I respond with "well he is who he is, what can I tell you? He has his good points".

Also think carefully about how you want to respond when they eventually ask why you divorced, because they will. There seems to be this sentiment on this site that you should tell your kids all kinds of stuff, especially if cheating is involved. I disagree with this.....maybe when they're adults and can contemplate adult issues, but if I had this philosophy I would've told my kids that their dad was a nasty, abusive pr!ck who thinks women are beneath him. But all that would do is alienate them from him.....maybe when they're adults if they ask again I'll tell them what I think, but only if they ask and I will add that it is a completely separate issue from their relationship with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. 2ntuf sounds like you went through a pretty tough time. I like the idea of making new memories. Fortuneatly I am retired from the airforce. My wife is a cop. I do believe she will meet another guy eventually. Presently I only work 12 hours a week so I am for the most part a stay at home dad. This allows,me to make memories separate from my wife as you suggest. 

Lifeistoshort I think boundaries wo my future ex may indeed be a problem, although I can see how the are important. She is a great mom so I would like to think I will be able to talk positively of her no matter what. Of course I may just be naïveté.

I do want my son to know that I am still his dad. But as I stated earlier I only work 12 hours per week so I am practically a stay at home dad anyways. This is probably a huge advantage for me. I do not think my wife would try and prevent me from looking after him while she works.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

My kids like cheese and they like ice cream. They understand that cheese and ice cream, separately, are really good, but they do t go together very well. That's how I explained things to my kids about my ex and I. Keep the real reasons to yourself until they're old enough to accept the answer without it affecting their judgement. 

My kids are 11, 8, 6, and 4. My 11yr old lives with me full time, and I have the rest 50/50. They all adjusted very well without acting out. 

Stay involved. Make your own memories. 

Once the paperwork is filed, the divorce is more of a reality and sometimes people change for the worse and become the opposite of what you perceive initially. 

I hope this helps.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

At his age and you and your ex's good attitudes, he will be fine. Separate memories are good advice and no issue for you.

Just remember to be flexible. What he needs now will change drastically at 5, again at 11 or so and certainly at 16. So your time sharing will change to meet his needs best at those different phases of life.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> My kids like cheese and they like ice cream. They understand that cheese and ice cream, separately, are really good, but they do t go together very well. That's how I explained things to my kids about my ex and I. Keep the real reasons to yourself until they're old enough to accept the answer without it affecting their judgement.


I used the Apple and Google analogy with my techie sons.

Both good companies but really run with different value sets. 

She was Apple. Sophisticated, finer, quality.
I was Google. Man of the people, dorkier, idealistic.

Just different mission statements.


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