# Why should I wait?



## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I have made the decision to file for divorce. I know that my STBXH will never do it. He is an avoider and that is how he will stay. Here's my question. I know that I want to be in love, be married and have a family. I am will be 39 years old in 2 months, and obviously I chose the wrong spouse. Is it wrong that I want to start dating?

I know that I am not going to find someone right away, and honestly just I feel like I need to get used to dating again. Is it wrong to put up an ad on Match.com? I want to start meeting people, going out to dinner and get used to the interaction. Any thoughts?


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## onehotmama (Apr 13, 2012)

I would wait till your divorce is final to put an ad on match.com but in the meantime you should socialize on a platonic level as much as you can and focus on yourself. This will only make you more prepared to enter the dating world. if you feel that you are ready to date right after the divorce then you know yourself better than anyone else... I hope you find that special someone and get the family you've always wanted!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Agree with onehotmoma. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

When you having finally decided that your relationship is over, I completely understand the urge to date....to get out there, and move on from all this.

My STBXH moved out in October 2011. However, we had pretty much been living separated lives since August 2011. I had been trying my hardest to hold our marriage together for so long--I did everything I could to keep this thing going. However, I finally came to the end of my rope....and I am just done with it all now. I sooooo want this to just be over so that I can move on.

Unfortunately, in my state I have to wait until October (1 year after he moved out) until I can finally get this divorce. It is so tough, because mentally I am done and I just want to move on. My stbxh is having an affair, and in my state, in the case of an affair, we could be granted a divorce immediately. Unfortunately, my stbxh will not agree to make the reason for our divorce be adultery--he doesn't want it to be part of his public record. My lawyer said that unless I hire a private investigator and get pictures of them in a state of undress, it would be impossible for me to prove adultery in the court.

It is so silly. I feel like I have given this my all, and I am finally to a place when I know that I done--and I soooo just want this divorce finalized. But, legally, I am forced in a state of limbo. My lawyer explained to me that it is just a piece of paper at this point, and that I should feel free to date. But, I don't know...something just doesn't feel right about that. I went out to eat with one guy on one date (at the encouragement of my friends)...it was nice....and the attention was nice. (he still texts and emails me all the time. :0 ) But, afterwards, I sort of felt guilty about it because I am still legally married. 

I have considered the match.com thing too. However, I think that I will do that when I am legally divorced. (I still have 6 more months to wait). In the meantime, I am taking care of myself, being the best mom I can be, and I am flirting and putting myself out there. But, I decided I am not going to actively pursue dating. 

But, I also don't see anything wrong with dating while you wait for your divorce to be finalized. The legal system can take a long time to get things done...and, as long as there is no chance at reconciliation and your divorce is eminent, I don't really see anything wrong with dating. 

Everyone's situation is different. However, a counselor did explain to me that I need to be careful...I put so much time and effort into my marriage for so long, and now that it is over, I am going to feel compelled to put that time, effort, and energy into something else...and that I need to be careful that I am not just entering into a rebound relationship just to fill that void. The counselor said that I need to find things that are healthy and empowering to fill that void. So, for me, I choose not to date right now. 

You just have to search your heart, and do what you think will ultimately be best for you.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Yes. I really don't feel like it would be right to seriously date while I am still legally married. However, it was ok for my STBXH to sleep with a co-worker while we were separated! Yeah, I found that one out last week. Anyway, I have taken this time alone to work on myself. I know that I am ready to move forward with my life, and put myself out there soon. I will give myself a couple of months to finalize a few things with him, file the paperwork and then see how I feel.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

hilly2 said:


> I have made the decision to file for divorce. I know that my STBXH will never do it. He is an avoider and that is how he will stay. Here's my question. I know that I want to be in love, be married and have a family. I am will be 39 years old in 2 months, and obviously I chose the wrong spouse. Is it wrong that I want to start dating?
> 
> I know that I am not going to find someone right away, and honestly just I feel like I need to get used to dating again. Is it wrong to put up an ad on Match.com? I want to start meeting people, going out to dinner and get used to the interaction. Any thoughts?


I didn't wait. I was tired of being lonely. I had been lonely for 2+ years before we separated - why wait any longer? I am in CA and once you file, you have a 6 month cooling off period. We talked about filing, I begged him to file and he just wouldn't do it. I put an profile on match about 4 months after I told him to leave. I started dating at about 5 months. I didn't file for divorce til last month. I refuse to put my happiness on the back burner because of a piece of paper.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I loved him and still do. That will subside in time though. I am just done. I was the only one fighting for this marriage. I quit.


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