# When Kids Say They Want You To Move Back Home



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Thought I'd post this here for more advice. Long story short: Separated from my ex (pending divorce) after she cheated. Have been separated and following a parenting schedule for a year and a half with minimal problems. 

While driving my son to school this morning this happened ... any advice is appreciated guys. 

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Had a difficult talk with my son this morning while taking him to school. He started saying he's tired of going back and forth between houses and that he wants me to go back home. He has said stuff like this before but for the most part I feel he's now used to this new reality of us being separated and him living in 2 separate homes. 

The language he used was a bit surprising. It felt like I was listening to someone much older and not a 7 year old kid. 

These are some of the things he said: 

"Why can't you and mommy just be together and not fight?" 

"Try again. Give it another try. Sure it will be hard at times but still try, don't give up." (This one sounded like something I told him when he said he was finding school work a bit hard - He may be feeding back to me the advice I give him). 

"I want things to go back to normal like they were when I was a baby." 

I told him I was sorry about the situation and I know it can be hard but we both love him and that it will get better with time. Told him that we both tried several times to make it work but couldn't. 

Now I know that IT WILL GET BETTER as time goes on. And he doesn't shows his frustration about this often but if there's anything else I could be doing to make things easier for him I would like to do it. Any advice? 

I don't think he needs therapy. His grades in school are good and for the most part he's a very happy 7 year old. If things get worse I will take him to see a therapist. 

After I dropped him off I felt sad and angry at the same time. Very angry at my ex for being so selfish and not think about what her actions would be doing to our boy. But I don't want to feel angry anymore and I haven't for a long time. Just want us to coparent as best we can and we have been doing a great job at it for the most part. 

Times like this I feel like I don't want to have another child. The uncertainty of relationships and the fact people change ... to have to go through this again would suck big time for me but most importantly to my future children if I have more.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

That's hard.
I can understand wheres he's coming from being a child of divorce myself. It was difficult feeling in the middle.
But it will become a new normal this reality. 
Some tips to make the transition easier. 
Don't bad mouth your ex to him, it's still his mommy. No child wants to hear that.

Do your best to coparent with your ex. Make sure not to let your lingering anger effect parent decisions. 

For his sake, be civil w your ex.

If you start dating again. Do not bring the new love around until you know this new woman is serious about a long term relationship. And don't let the excitement of this new relationship get in the middle w your son (I've experienced that one first hand). It's easier to do than you think.

Don't compensate discipling your son cause of any lingering guilt. 
Hope this helps.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

effess said:


> That's hard.
> I can understand wheres he's coming from being a child of divorce myself. It was difficult feeling in the middle.
> But it will become a new normal this reality.
> Some tips to make the transition easier.
> ...


effess, 

Thanks for the pointers. For the most part we've been co-parenting very well. The anger we both had at the beginning of the separation is now gone. Seems like we've both come to terms with it and our main focus is our child. 

Had a talk with my son tonight. It went very well. Told him it was normal and ok for him to feel angry or hurt about us separating and not living in the same house. Told him that none of this is his fault and that many kids now a days have parents that don't live together. Asked him if there was anything I could do to make things better. He said he didn't like that sometimes some of his toys are left behind in the other house and he can't play with them. Told him we'll figure out a way for that to not happen in the future. He also said he misses us when with the other parent. I will suggest to my ex that we do facetime or skype when we call him before bedtime that way he gets to see us instead of just hearing our voices. He agreed that this would be better and he would like that. 

Overall a very good talk tonight. I feel this was a step in the right direction.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Going through the same situation, and it's more complicated then I initially suspected. 

As for:
"I will suggest to my ex that we do facetime or skype when we call him before bedtime that way he gets to see us instead of just hearing our voices. He agreed that this would be better and he would like that."

That's a very good idea =/
Going to talk to ex about this on the weekend too


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

RD, 

We started doing facetime and our son seems much happier now. Give it a try.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Some of his toys could be duplicated as well.


I like very much that you let him know that what he is feeling is very normal and then shifted to jointly finding solutions.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Some of his toys could be duplicated as well.
> 
> 
> I like very much that you let him know that what he is feeling is very normal and then shifted to jointly finding solutions.


Yes. It was suggested by Turnera that I encourage him to open up and suggest solutions so we can work on it as a team. It worked wonderfully. I bought him a big toy bag full of different compartments that he loves. It's big enough for his toys and video games.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ms T is the best...:smthumbup:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Well done OP, for asking your son what HE wants, and taking steps wherever possible to make it happen. 

So many parents think that because they've accepted the divorce is a reality that the kids have too. Not the case much of the time.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Hearing their concerns and expressing themselves is good, but it is also so heart wrenching for the parent. Same situation 8yr.old and 6yr.old. Since anuary my daughter started asking deep questions. She threw another at me last night" How come you don't want to be with daddy? Don't you love him?" Ugh. I started counseling for my daughter about a month ago. Since then I see her being more independent and confident. Her school grade also improved. I was hesitant at first bc I could always talk to her, but it started getting difficult. Ask for a recommendation from someone you know or maybe the pediatrician. It eases her and me a bit.


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