# Once a cheater...



## jruck32 (Oct 6, 2017)

My story is probably the opposite of the typical stereotype you see on the Lifetime Channel about the spouse that gets cheated on.

I have been married to my wife for 16 years and we have two kids. I am an educator, and my wife is a highly successful high-tech sales executive. When it comes to our roles in the family, I am the nurturer and provide the majority of the parental oversight of the boys. My wife is the major breadwinner and works and travels quite a bit. So yeah - totally opposite the stereotype one would expect.

Anyhow, my story goes back to 2012 when my wife and I went through a phase in our marriage where we were having issues that continually resurfaced over the years. I was optimistic that we would work our way through the rough patch and improve as we always would. After all, its not always sunshine and rainbows, right???

One day at work, my assistant left a note from a caller in Florida asking me to return the call. We both suspected that it was a sales call, and I ignored it. The call came again a couple of days later, and in an effort to get the sales call to stop, I decided to let the call through. The call happened to be from a woman who informed me that my wife and her husband have been having an affair and that I should confront my wife about it and that she didn't want me to be in the dark like she was. Talk about a numbing, life-altering phone call. 

I immediately went to where my wife was and called her out on it. She denied it and said that the person was a colleague that she knew and that his wife must be crazy. She even dialed up the man on her cell phone and put him on speaker phone so I could hear from him that nothing was going on. I was rattled and in denial, and decided to believe her at that time.

This was the time that I learned something about myself - to trust my gut instincts because I have yet to be wrong.

After a day or two of contemplation, I did what everyone says not to do, and I did my own investigating. I got into her emails and found all that I needed to confirm that she had lied to me. She had traveled a few times and said it was business, but it was to rendezvous with him. I called her out on it and she burst into tears and admitted it. I was furious with her and my denial was so damn bad that I took all of about 4 hours to decide to keep her and work on it. She ended things with him and we went to counseling and things got markedly better for us. Seemed like a success story in the making...

Unfortunately, I have come to learn of myself that my denial after the affair grossly hindered my ability to be effectively counseled. I have learned that for a long time I have had a self-preservation mechanism in my mind where I would simply reject my emotions and put on the front that everything is going to be ok. I have learned that it stemmed from my childhood when my father went through a debilitating health scare that bankrupted our family and sent him into a massive depression. Our family was a mess, and my mechanism of hiding my emotions got me through it all in one piece. I graduated high school, went on to college and had all of my stuff together. Self preservation and not acknowledging my emotions served me very well at that point, and it stuck. 

This way to deal with things does not work for me now. I recently hit rock bottom and came to an epiphany (cliche I know but it really has been) that I need to embrace my emotions and by doing so, it makes me a better person that is more available to others and it allows me to understand others better as well. All a little too late though.

Flash forward to the beginning of this year. My career took a traumatic turn that hit my ego hard. My marriage was in the same old funk for the same old issues as had always surfaced. This time around, my wife was vocal about wanting to separate. I was adamantly against that idea because I come from the mindset that if we were going to get better, we needed to work together and communicate more. Through some probing, I got her to admit that she had a "friend" that she would confide in at work and that he "was actually a good thing for ME (not her, but me) because he helps her to understand what she needs from me."

At that point, I was irate and told her that she was cheating on me. She said it was nothing like that, and I told her that even if it wasn't physical, it was emotional and not acceptable. She put me off and told me I was overreacting. Time continued to pass and the separation advanced to the tune of me getting an apartment about 2 months ago. She continued to say she needed space to figure things out. I sought out counseling to begin working on me (which has been life-changing). After getting in touch with my emotions, I realized that the friend thing was BS. I did my digging and figured out who it was. My wife denied it at first, then confirmed after interrogation. Then I confront her about it being physical, and she denied at first, then confirmed that a kiss had happened. I called BS and said it was more and she adamantly denied that. 

A couple of weeks ago, she had a work trip to Hawaii on the books. While that was legit, the plan was to go on a Wednesday and work Thursday and Friday on one island, then spend the weekend there for herself to try and get her head straight about what she is doing and how we can work, then she was on another island Monday and Tuesday. I was initially optimistic about her trip and encouraged her to take the time for herself in hopes that she would wake up and get her head out of her rear. 

However, on the first day of her trip, my gut told me something was wrong. I called her and interrogated her and told her I thought he was there with her. She denied and denied and denied and got mad at me. When she got home, she continued to deny. Then it happens all over again - this time I get an email from the wife of the other guy. She has figured out that they have a thing going on and wanted me to know. I decided to ask her if her husband was out of town during the days my wife was gone. She confirmed that he said he had a conference in Hawaii. 

I called my wife out again, and this time she could not deny. Again I was furious and lit into her a lot. This time around, even with my emotions in hand, I told her that if she could end it with him, I was willing to attempt (with no guarantees of success and acknowledgement of the fact that I doubted I could trust her again) to fight for our marriage ONE LAST TIME. Believe me when I say I was doubtful and highly skeptical from this point on, and mentally preparing myself for the worst. My motivation behind the last effort was so that I could say, with a clear conscience and knowing that I am a different and improved person, that I did everything I could to save this thing. She said she would end it. I asked for evidence and forced her to show me the screenshot of the text to him saying to leave her alone and for his wife to stop emailing me because there were too many hearts at stake and it needed to end because it was wrong. I even saw his text response of "where is this coming from?!?!" 

This was about 2 weeks ago. I am ALL IN for the fight and have continued my counseling. In an effort to give her the space she was asking for, I created a schedule for our week that spelled out exactly when we would come and go so she had room for herself and time with the kids. I am really ALL IN. We spent last weekend on a getaway weekend with some other families and had a good time. It was like we were married again. Then my gut came calling...

On the Thursday prior to our weekend trip, my wife told me she had to meet her boss in a city about 2 hours away to meet with a client to close a deal on the Friday morning. Rather than wake up at 5am to get there, she was thinking it was a good idea to go to her sister's house that was only 30 minutes away from the city. She left our home on Thursday at about 5pm and texted me when she got to her sister's. Then later that she was out to dinner with her and told me the name of the restaurant. Then she disappeared from the texts for a few hours because they went out to have a few drinks. I text her late that evening and even said "I do not mean to intrude on your space - can you let me know if you are ok and in for the night?" I got a reply a few moments later saying "I am great." and "Going to bed now".

So come Monday after the nice weekend away, then the sad reality of where we are setting in, my gut tells me something is off about that Thursday. This time I really hoped that I was wrong for once. I tried to text my wife, but the flight she was on did not have wifi on that particular leg of the flight. Since I couldn't get instant answers from her, I decided to investigate. I looked at our bank transactions and there wasn't anything on there for that date. I called her credit cards and since I have her card numbers and know her SSN, I was able to hear the recent transactions. Sadly I found 2 charges, one for a restaurant (not the one she named) and one for hotel. Both were from another place than where her sister lives.

Turns out that my wife "couldn't walk away from him". She actually tried to deny when I asked her if she saw her sister on that Thursday, or if she saw him. When she denied, I told her that she had some credit card transactions that made me think otherwise, she responded with "how did you see my credit cards". I told her how and then asked her if she was going to deny it again and she said "no - you are not wrong".

That was about 2 days ago. I have told her we are done and I want a divorce. She has hurt me so deeply and I am non-stop mad. The worst part is that throughout the time when she admitted to the fact that it was him, I said multiple times these exact words: "If you come to find that you decide you want to be with him instead of me, then please, AS MY FRIEND, just tell me so that I can leave you be. You have my trust completely and you can either care for it or SH** on it. But AS MY FRIEND, please be honest with me."

I am not mad that I gave her all of these chances. I am mad that after 16 years she couldn't be real with me even when I was giving her the opportunity multiple times. 

How does this get better? Every time I see her I am enraged. I imagine them together. When she tells me anything, I don't believe her. I hate how selfish she has acted and the impact it will have on our boys. I hate the fact that I have to suffer alone and she gets to suffer far less and she has a shoulder to cry on. That is so unfair. And at the risk of getting trashy feedback, she knows that I am a very physically needy person. The person that I thought was my best friend is gone, my wife is gone, my family is about to be a mess, and my physical needs will not be met any longer...again - how does this get any better???


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jruck2 said:


> Once a cheater..


My friend, you have said it yourself. The only way this gets "better" is for you to throw her concupiscent ass so far the hell out of your life and the lives of your kids that she'd have to stowaway on a banana boat to get near you or them.

Go get yourself a barracuda lawyer and a healthy settlement which includes alimony for about the next 10 years and 17% of her income for each of your kids until they are through college.



jruck2 said:


> I thought was my best friend is gone, my wife is gone, my family is about to be a mess, and my physical needs will not be met any longer..


Well, sir, there is no doubt in my mind that she is NEITHER your "best friend" nor your "wife". Yes, she may be your wife on paper, but she is not in her heart.

You will find another woman who has decency, upright morals, and ethical conduct of her life and who will meet your physical needs.

And, your family will be a lot less of a "mess" with this self-centered woman out of it.


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## jruck32 (Oct 6, 2017)

TJW-

My problem with doing that is that my boys love their mother, and while she is a lousy wife, she is a great mother. I'm not willing to take them away from her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's just say that I wouldn't want to have sloppy seconds, more especially from my cheating wife!

Best to kick her cheating a$$ to the curb and just start over! 

Go see your lawyer!*


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

jruck32 said:


> TJW-
> 
> My problem with doing that is that my boys love their mother, and while she is a lousy wife, she is a great mother. I'm not willing to take them away from her.


You're saying that because you are still emotionally invested in her. It is reasonable to ask for half time custody or more, because you are the primary parental figure. That doesn't mean she won't see them or be in their lives. And you will be given child support to ensure the kids have an equal lifestyle at both places, and once you detach emotionally you'll want that money.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

jruck32 said:


> TJW-
> 
> My problem with doing that is that my boys love their mother, and while she is a lousy wife, she is a great mother. I'm not willing to take them away from her.


Great mothers do not jeopardize the stability of their children's family and life. She has blown up the family by her actions.


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## jruck32 (Oct 6, 2017)

Agreed completely that she has blown things up...and all emotions taken into consideration, I wish her nothing but the worst. Despite that, I think it would hurt the kids even more if I tried to take them away from her. I would settle for nothing less than split custody.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OK hold on because you need some tough love, I get I am being harsh but man dude what is the deal??! YOU'RE NOT MAD that you gave her all these chances? **** I am mad for you! You my friend are still in denial. Your gut has been telling you to divorce her for years, like you said you have yet to follow it. The title of this thread is your gut telling you she is not worth it. You ask her "as your friend" please tell you? SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. She has never been your friend. She is not going to be your friend, with friends like her who needs enemies. She treats you like her worst enemy. Friends don't live double lives and continually lie for 16 years. She doesn't have the nature to be anyone's friend. 

You are still in denial as you think this person who has continually lied to you for 16 years is going to be honest with you? Why would she, she is not a good person. She sounds like a classic narcissist. And you sound codependent and like need some counseling. Read "codependent no more". And "human magnet syndrome" and by all means get angry what your wife has done to you is cruel. She robbed from you 16 years, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to enable it. How many more years are you going to give her. 

If you ever get the idea that you want to stay with her, you need to get mad at yourself. She is just going to cheat on you more. You don't want to be that example to your boys? What would you say when they stay with their girlfriends who cheat on them? Or when they don't want to be married because the only marriage that was modeled for them was one where the husband was continually abused by his wife? Or worst of all when they cheat on their wives because they saw their father continue to stay after being abused over and over? What would you say then? How much worse will that be? Is staying in a abusive relationship the actions of a good father? Remember that every time you try to romanticize this awful women. *edit I see you are actually thinking of staying. Shame on you.

It most certainly can get better for you if you meet the right women but to do that you need to first fix your codependency because if you don't you will attract and pick exactly the same type of women. Something is wrong that even though this women has continued to spit in your face you took it for so long and even now considering still taking it. You need to get some help to fix that. If you don't you will continue to follow the same patterns with someone else. People like your wife pick men like you because they know their passiveness will allow them to be supported despite their destructive actions. It's like a parasite to a host. You need to stop giving out those signals. 

One thing that will help you recover quicker is to stop looking at your wife with rose colored glasses and see who she is. She cares about you and her boys as much as it doesn't interfere with her selfishness. She will never love anyone but herself. Unfortunately you have dedicated 16 years to a person who no one should ever marry. It's not in her nature to be a good spouse. So understand there is really nothing lost with not being with her. Actually people like that are a tremendous time sink. She stole 16 years of your life, 16 years that could have been spend on someone worthy. Worrying and trying to figure out is just more time wasted. Just let her go from shallow relationship to another. There is nothing to be gained by thinking about her. Move on and be happy to do so. Life is too short. Be like this guy, he finally got it.

One more thing is she is the breadwinner, travels a lot, get the best lawyer you can afford and go for primary custody, you will probably be the more stable parent anyway knowing her MO. Also get the most alimony possible.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> You're saying that because you are still emotionally invested in her. It is reasonable to ask for half time custody or more, because you are the primary parental figure. That doesn't mean she won't see them or be in their lives. And you will be given child support to ensure the kids have an equal lifestyle at both places, and once you detach emotionally you'll want that money.


He is staying because he is classically codependent.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

sokillme said:


> OK hold on because you need some tough love, I get I am being harsh but man dude what is the deal??! YOU'RE NOT MAD that you gave her all these chances? **** I am mad for you! You my friend are still in denial. Your gut has been telling you to divorce her for years, like you said you have yet to follow it. The title of this thread is your gut telling you she is not worth it. You ask her "as your friend" please tell you? SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. She has never been your friend. She is not going to be your friend, with friends like her who needs enemies. She treats you like her worst enemy. Friends don't live double lives and continually lie for 16 years. She doesn't have the nature to be anyone's friend.
> 
> You are still in denial as you think this person who has continually lied to you for 16 years is going to be honest with you? Why would she, she is not a good person. She sounds like a classic narcissist. And you sound codependent and like need some counseling. Read "codependent no more". And "human magnet syndrome" and by all means get angry what your wife has done to you is cruel. She robbed from you 16 years, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to enable it.
> 
> ...



Sorry OP

But this post is spot on.

Do everything it says.


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## jruck32 (Oct 6, 2017)

Sokillme -

Thank you for that. I am all about hearing it straight. I will definitely pick up those books you suggested. If I am codependent as you suggest, I definitely need that to end. I am in counseling right now and I don't necessarily think I am codependent as much as I have avoided adversity in my life by burying my emotions. I never stayed mad very long with her because it didn't feel good to be mad - so I didn't. That has definitely changed and I am aware of my emotions now and act on them. I have been 1000% a-hole since this has gone down and there is no end in site.

With that, I feel like I should expand upon my statement of not regretting giving her the chances. First and foremost, I would not have the two best things I have ever done in my life (my boys) if I didn't travel down the path I did. Secondly, and admittedly the most embarrassing, I needed to be totally and completely crushed between my career and my marriage to wake my arse up and tune in to my emotional shortcomings. Had I bailed the first time, I don't doubt that I would have ended up in another shell of a relationship. Maybe I would have found someone less toxic (odds are high on that one), but the relationship would not have been very good. That I am certain of.

But seriously - thank you for your response. I truly appreciate the straightforward approach as well as the suggestions of the books.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

jruck32 said:


> TJW-
> 
> My problem with doing that is that my boys love their mother, and while she is a lousy wife, she is a great mother. I'm not willing to take them away from her.



You are not leaving your boys without a mother, you are freeing yourself from a selfish cheater who has absolutely no respect for you.

I do feel your "wife" can be a good mother to her boys just as you can be a great father to your boys.

You just can't do it being married.


Good luck.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jruck32 said:


> Sokillme -
> 
> Thank you for that. I am all about hearing it straight. I will definitely pick up those books you suggested. If I am codependent as you suggest, I definitely need that to end. I am in counseling right now and I don't necessarily think I am codependent as much as I have avoided adversity in my life by burying my emotions. I never stayed mad very long with her because it didn't feel good to be mad - so I didn't. That has definitely changed and I am aware of my emotions now and act on them. I have been 1000% a-hole since this has gone down and there is no end in site.
> 
> ...


Change normally only comes when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain to grow.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

At the root of your problem is a man who doesn't love or respect himself.

If you want to start doing so, make the decision today...right now...to never accept being treated this way again. 

Don't get mad about it. Anger only fuels the negativity. Additionally, at this point you only have yourself to be angry with. Instead, be resolute. You deserve better. Believe it. Make every decision from this point forward through that prism.

You deserve better.

Therefore, only accept those things which fit that mindset.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jruck32 said:


> TJW-
> 
> My problem with doing that is that my boys love their mother, and while she is a lousy wife, she is a great mother. I'm not willing to take them away from her.


Stop making excuses for inaction.

She’ll always be their mother, and there’s nothing that you can do to either change that or take them from her. (Not legally, anyway.)

Move back into your home, and tell your WW that if she still needs time and space, she can have the space between the front door and the edge of the driveway, and the time it takes her to walk it.

She’s not cut out for either monogamy or marriage — she’ll _never_ stop cheating.

So free her to see whoever she wants whenever she wants, otherwise you’ll be paying half the bill for her “work” trips until the day you die.

No separation — divorce.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jruck32 said:


> My story is probably the opposite of the typical stereotype you see on the Lifetime Channel about the spouse that gets cheated on.
> 
> I have been married to my wife for 16 years and we have two kids. I am an educator, and my wife is a highly successful high-tech sales executive. When it comes to our roles in the family, I am the nurturer and provide the majority of the parental oversight of the boys. My wife is the major breadwinner and works and travels quite a bit. So yeah - totally opposite the stereotype one would expect.
> 
> ...


I AM CRINGING WHEN i READ THIS. You have allowed your STBXW to take you for a ride and walk all over you, when is enough enough? Divorce her and meet someone worthy of you, she most definitely is not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Be like this guy, he finally got it.


Meh. Troll thread, IMO.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SMH - she's a serial cheater and you move out of your home. You've wallowed around for years and now you're expecting her to be honest and tell you she wants the other guy. Man she's shown you. She doesn't have to tell you. 

Currently you're just a codependent talker who takes zero action.

See you again in a few years. No one can help you because you can't help yourself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jruck32 said:


> Sokillme -
> 
> Thank you for that. I am all about hearing it straight. I will definitely pick up those books you suggested. If I am codependent as you suggest, I definitely need that to end. I am in counseling right now and I don't necessarily think I am codependent as much as I have avoided adversity in my life by burying my emotions. I never stayed mad very long with her because it didn't feel good to be mad - so I didn't. That has definitely changed and I am aware of my emotions now and act on them. I have been 1000% a-hole since this has gone down and there is no end in site.
> 
> ...


Whatever you want to call it you are hedging your bets with a women who has had multiple affairs on you and your children. Your reaction is not healthy or normal. A normal reaction at this point would to be sad yes but to call it quits. 

I am sorry but I have read literally hundreds of threads by men with wives like yours. They all have two things in common. A women who lacks boundaries and a man who is passive. I used to think it was some sort of Stockholm syndrome at first. But then some guys wives would leave, and these would come back and post because they ended up right back in the same situation with a different women. Or they would tell parts of their history and some of the crap they would put up with would be shocking. Or they themselves would get help and realize that yes they were codependent and allowed themselves to be bullied. Finally I grew to understand that it was precisely that passivity that attracted the kind of women who had those poor boundaries. It makes sense. A guy who wasn't passive would have dismissed such a women way early before anything got serious. 

What was you childhood like? Child of divorce right, I bet one parent abandoned you at least as far as what their role should have been?

Another book you can read and is always recommended here is (No more mr. nice guy.). There is a pdf out there so you can get it free if you Google it. Passive men get cheated on. Staying with a women who has repeatedly cheated on you makes you passive. Just like the bully in the school yard finds the kid with the least resistance so too the narcissist women. Enough, stand up for yourself and your kid. That does not mean fight or get physically by the way, it means leave her ass. Detach and most of all stop romanticizing.

One other thing, a lot of times they person hangs on for the kids only to have the cheating spouse up and leave anyway. At that point the cheating spouse has all the power as they have planned it out and have detached from any kind of sympathy they may have had for their abused partner. Right now you still have some control over your life. There are threads on here from guys whose wives have betrayed and left them in the most horrible degrading manner possible. Or who have found video's of their wives having sex, read text messages talking about how awful their poor faithful husbands are to their boyfriends. (get that telling your boyfriend that your HUSBAND is awful. Talk about nerve.) Who have lied and told everyone that it was their husbands who cheated or abused them. Gotten them arrested. Why are you so sure your wife won't do something like this? You have been wrong about her for most of your marriage. If I were you I would get a good lawyer and a voice activated recorder (VAR) and have it on you from now on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Meh. Troll thread, IMO.


Maybe but he has stuck around for quite a long time on there. He also is one of the best written trolls ever. Even so he is doing a good thing. Some of these people need to see some good examples.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She's a sucky "friend." Enemies would treat you better.

And she's a worse wife.

And she cares nothing for you, only herself. 

And she's not marriage material. At all.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

If this guy is for real, what he doesn't see or realizes is that he became a passive beta guy, and his wife eventually lost all respect and attraction as a man for him. She's been looking up other men's qualities that are more attractive to her. She sees him as a weak man. She sees other men as stronger, more successful, go getter manly men than her husband. This is the root of it all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> If this guy is for real, what he doesn't see or realizes is that he became a passive beta guy, and his wife eventually lost all respect and attraction as a man for him. She's been looking up other men's qualities that are more attractive to her. She sees him as a weak man. She sees other men as stronger, more successful, go getter manly men than her husband. This is the root of it all.


If you are right then she sees money as a sign of what makes men attractive or Alpha to use your Red Pill analogy. However he is a faithful husband making him much more rare then lots of men who make tons of money. He needs to see his worth, and find someone who values it. He just picked the wrong women.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Sokillme: I do not think that money is what drives her. According to the OP she is very successful in her field. But he has become basically the stay at home dad; the nurturer on his own words

. The problem l see is that of basic Nature: man brings the Doug, woman nurtures in the most simplistic term, but one that to this day to many women still applies, if even at a basic cognitive level. It does elicits strong feelings to some women, specially on such competitive fields as that of selling, where there are many men that by nature are battling it on a daily basis and his wife is being expose to these strong men characters while she compares them to her passive weak husband at home. No wonder why he's been loosing all along.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> @Sokillme: I do not think that money is what drives her. According to the OP she is very successful in her field. But he has become basically the stay at home dad; the nurturer on his own words
> 
> . The problem l see is that of basic Nature: man brings the Doug, woman nurtures in the most simplistic term, but one that to this day to many women still applies, if even at a basic cognitive level. It does elicits strong feelings to some women, specially on such competitive fields as that of selling, where there are many men that by nature are battling it on a daily basis and his wife is being expose to these strong men characters while she compares them to her passive weak husband at home. No wonder why he's been loosing all along.


Maybe but he says he is an educator so it sounds like maybe he is a teacher. I do sort of agree if they guy was a stay at home Dad, seems like lots of women lose respect even when they say that is what they want sadly. Worse being the guy who can't keep a job or even worse doesn't want to. In those cases I don't blame the wives. 

However lots of healthy women find the kind of narcissistic men who hit on married women as skevy and would never be interested. What you are doing is giving her an excuse and passively blaming him. I don't buy it in this case. He could have been a president of a company and she would have cheated. People like his wife cheat, it's in their nature. Sometimes it may be because their husband is not out making big money, but I believe that very same women would cheat and say it's because he was never at home because he was making money. It's in her nature. Now maybe he can play games to get her to be more into him for a while, play her nature for some short term benefit. Who wants to deal with that crap especially when there are plenty of good women out there who would be happy to have a faithful nurturing teacher as a spouse. Assuming he fixes his codependency. 

Nah you don't have to be and athlete, president of a company, politician or actor to find a women to be attracted to you or be faithful. There are still plenty of decent people out there. Besides most of those guys are going to cheat anyway.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Nah! I'm not giving excuses for her. If you go back to the OP post you can see between the lines that early on their marriage, the OP started giving the wife, basically the green light for her to think that it was OK for her to eventually start to disrespect him and eventually cheat, by him being weak by allowing his wife disrespectful behavior such as that of her cyber affair, while he just stood by. I'm sure that incidents like this started to creep in his marriage, while he was being passive, and less assertive in their relationship and with his own career, while his wife started to come up on her own professionally.

Most likely, she started to take him for granted, while she travelled for business, growing professionally, while he took care of home/ kids and somehow his profession. Some women still do not cheat nor derespect their husbands staying at home, but many of these men are not weak doormats, and act like men and have balls, mainteining their wife's attraction and loyalty. Obviously not the case here.
But what do I know, just going by what the OP so far posted.
I


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jruck, I am truly sorry your going through this but I have to agree with others here, stop acting like a doormat, she has put you through hell, and all your doing is acting like a doormat....you expose the hell out of her, and you take her to the freaking cleaners, she has failed your marriage, she has continued to disrespect you and the family and guess what she sucks as a mom...stop putting trying to make her out as some great mom...she isn't....dear god man grow a backbone.


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## jruck32 (Oct 6, 2017)

I appreciate all of the feedback from everyone. Tough advice is definitely what I need to hear.

Just to clarify - I have demanded a divorce. I'm beyond done with the BS. 

And yes, passive has been my MO for a long time in my life. I'm sure it caused me to be less attractive, and I've learned that it doesn't serve me well at all. Moving forward with a me-first approach to life.

Definitely getting legal representation. Getting a referral tomorrow.

As for my career - I juggle being a school administrator (Principal for 11 years and now running operations for a private school), as well as an Adjunct College Professor, so I am not financially dependent on her. Highly successful in my career also. I just seem to always find the flexibility and priority of taking care of the kids when it is needed. 

She is a selfish beast that will take advantage of me no more. Ironically, my passivity in the past is going to bode well for me as we proceed. She has the nerve to think I will just go slowly through this separation process and figure things out as time passes (she has alluded to this more than once). I have the ball in motion to end things quickly. I have all of the financial data and assets calculated out and readily accessible...she does not because she is too busy working and banging the other guy. She will be surprised how it all shakes out. She has poked the bear one too many times (albeit the best thing that could have happened to me).


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@JRuck32: this is the kind of attitude that you need to take going forward. Do not deviate, do not falter, otherwise, you'll only prove her right, making you look like a weak looser in her eyes. Make sure you get the best legal representation that you can get.

Even if it is too late for you both, at least you can go showing her that you got your balls back, and that your game has changed to that of an assertive, confident man that not longer takes prisoners. Let her see that you are a alpha man, and that is what you'll be going forward. Take care.


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