# BDSM - advice please



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

So my wife has been opening up a little more recently (yay) and has let me know she's interested in dabbling a bit in some BDSM stuff. I asked her which angle of BDSM she's interested in--the B, the D, or the SM and she really doesn't know.

I'm thinking of just starting out with some restraints or something? I don't know. It really isn't my cup of tea, but I'm totally down for trying something she wants to try.

Any advice for newbies? I'm not concerned about it getting out of control or anything so much as I'm not sure I can sell myself if it turns into her wanting me to be Christian Grey or something.

And yes, as cliche as it sounds---this is pretty much because she read 50 shades.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Fozzy, 

I'll be honest for a very rare moment and tell you that any advice I would give you would be complete BS! In the meantime, keep us posted on how this goes?

If I were going to "try" and give you advice, I would say that what you are up against is more of a mind game as opposed to a physical one. She probably wants to "believe" in her mind for a moment that you would take things to the extreme, while physically you focus on just making her vulnerable.

I imagine you might have years of frustration brewing in the background to draw upon to make her believe you have a reason to be rough with her...

Cheers, 
Badsanta 

PS: Have not seen the movie or read the book, and don't care to. So that makes my advice double hypocritical!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,
I'm not the least bit surprised that the person who knows you better than anyone in the world - totally trusts you. 

It's why - I had to guess - you might be a bit anxious right now.

This stuff was very scary to me in the beginning. 

Anyway - I didn't start with restraints. Started with dominance. 

I replaced my ummm consultative sales approach to the bedroom with a - I'm in charge and expect you to either comply or accept some mild but escalating disciplinary action. 

The first time you do this - the stuff you order her to do - ought to be stuff that she's generally willing to do. 

The mechanics are to use an edge in your voice combined with very short commands. Strip. Get on the bed. Lie on your side. 

No discussion afterwards. Because you'll know. Done right, she will be more turned on than usual. Maybe a lot more turned on. 

You should have some sort of script for the first time. It will make it easier for you. 

If the first time goes well - then in round two you reach for the key. The key is represented by this phrase: Tell me you will do whatever I say. 

Once you get the key, or take it, you will need to make what is typically a difficult decision. And no one else can even give you guidance on that. 




QUOTE=Fozzy;12679010]So my wife has been opening up a little more recently (yay) and has let me know she's interested in dabbling a bit in some BDSM stuff. I asked her which angle of BDSM she's interested in--the B, the D, or the SM and she really doesn't know.

I'm thinking of just starting out with some restraints or something? I don't know. It really isn't my cup of tea, but I'm totally down for trying something she wants to try.

Any advice for newbies? I'm not concerned about it getting out of control or anything so much as I'm not sure I can sell myself if it turns into her wanting me to be Christian Grey or something.

And yes, as cliche as it sounds---this is pretty much because she read 50 shades.[/QUOTE]


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she's not sure which angle she'd like then you get to have fun figuring it out together. 





MEM11363 said:


> Anyway - I didn't start with restraints. Started with dominance.
> 
> I replaced my ummm consultative sales approach to the bedroom with a - I'm in charge and expect you to either comply or accept some mild but escalating disciplinary action.
> 
> ...


Yeah. Do this. And happy kinking.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Fozzy,
> I'm not the least bit surprised that the person who knows you better than anyone in the world - totally trusts you.
> 
> It's why - I had to guess - you might be a bit anxious right now.
> ...


Can you expand on this? I'm not sure I quite understand.

Honestly the dominance aspect is probably what I'd be most uncomfortable with. Tying a knot is easy. I struggle with being bossy, especially given some of my past behavior where I recognize I was being a bit of a d!ck, and not in a good way.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

This could work for a first time of 'dominance'...role play that you are the masseuse and she is the client. A blindfold (or sleep mask, or scarf, or whatever) wouldn't hurt either! You control the pace and _IF_ you choose to escalate to anything sexual.

***Not a vulgar link below, but some could argue it's possibly NSFW...view at own risk***

The Art Of Erotic Massage; Make Her Beg You For Sex


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,
Let's say you actually get F2 so turned on that she responds to that request - and she says: I will do whatever you tell me to do. And She isn't JUST saying it. She means it. 

What then? 

That's why I said - no one else can give you guidance on this. 

Here's the thing. I have no idea how much of her resistance to certain acts is based on her 'good girl' self image. Versus how much is just a genuine dislike of the physiology. 

If her aversion is 'good girl' based, this is the way to easily blow past that resistance because she IS NOT responsible once YOU take control. 

There's no guilt - because it wasn't her choice. 

And that my man is a good outcome. Because after a few rounds of doing it - she likes it a lot and your sex life is better for both of you. 

If however, her aversion isn't a good girl thing, and is a physiology thing - that's different. 




Fozzy said:


> Can you expand on this? I'm not sure I quite understand.
> 
> Honestly the dominance aspect is probably what I'd be most uncomfortable with. Tying a knot is easy. I struggle with being bossy, especially given some of my past behavior where I recognize I was being a bit of a d!ck, and not in a good way.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Fozzy,
> 
> If her aversion is 'good girl' based, this is the way to easily blow past that resistance because she IS NOT responsible once YOU take control.
> 
> ...


This is the best, most concise and useful explanation of BDSM I think I have ever read. Never been a big fan of the genre, myself. But, now, at least I understand. Thanks Mem!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Fozzy,
> Let's say you actually get F2 so turned on that she responds to that request - and she says: I will do whatever you tell me to do. And She isn't JUST saying it. She means it.
> 
> What then?
> ...


She's never been shy about letting me know if something is physically uncomfortable. There are relatively few acts that are completely off the table. 

Some things require her to take a little initiative in normal circumstances, and that's something she struggles with I think. BJ's for instance--while she claims to have nothing against them, there's just no way they ever happen short of me doing a cartwheel mid-session and "landing wrong". She just won't do it on her own.

Maybe this is good-girl stuff, or maybe she just doesn't think about doing stuff that isn't on her agenda. Not sure which. That makes me hesitant about what you're talking about. I could fake my way through being bossypants in the bedroom, but I really have no desire to order her to do something she doesn't want to do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lila,
There's a phrase I use: just because someone's willing to give you something, doesn't make it right to take it





Lila said:


> Dominance is probably the most difficult part of BDSM in that it's more mental than physical.
> 
> From personal experience, I don't enjoy BDSM (other than light bondage) because the dominance aspect freaks me out; however, I thoroughly enjoy reading books with some elements of this. Your wife may really like being dominated or she may be like me where it doesn't work, but you have to try it convincingly to figure it out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lila said:


> Dominance is probably the most difficult part of BDSM in that it's more mental than physical.


:iagree:


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Indeed, dominance is tricky, I am into it and a few other BDMS aspects but hubby struggles with it, he is a big teddy bear so while intimidating in size I guess he has learned to not speak too harshly and control his temper to the point once in his attempt to get dominant in bed we ended up having very cold and disconnected sex, not something I want to repeat ever, rather go without and I am HD.

I do like that he seems comfortable using toys and stuff, if it doesn't come naturally for you make sure you have things set up in advance, hubby keeps this under the bed and uses it once in a while without asking when the mood is right.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Honestly the dominance aspect is probably what I'd be most uncomfortable with. Tying a knot is easy. I struggle with being bossy, especially given some of my past behavior where I recognize I was being a bit of a d!ck, and not in a good way.


That's what keeps holding me back. Hard to break through it, TBH.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Amorous said:


> Indeed, dominance is tricky, I am into it and a few other BDMS aspects but hubby struggles with it, he is a big teddy bear so while intimidating in size I guess he has learned to not speak too harshly and control his temper to the point once in his attempt to get dominant in bed we ended up having very cold and disconnected sex, not something I want to repeat ever, rather go without and I am HD.
> 
> I do like that he seems comfortable using toys and stuff, if it doesn't come naturally for you make sure you have things set up in advance, hubby keeps this under the bed and uses it once in a while without asking when the mood is right.


LOL

I actually bought that several months ago. I told her in advance I was getting it and her reaction was....lukewarm. Very close to the vest (she's like that with a lot of stuff).

Turns out that particular product ships straight from China. After a shipping mix up (my fault) they ended up shipping me a second one...anyway it was a big hassle and it arrived a few weeks later. FINALLY got around to trying it out one night but it's not really a good fit for a king sized bed. Snapped the rings while trying to get it fitted right.


argh.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Do NOT use duct tape.

DO have a safe word that you would otherwise not use in that context that means Full Stop.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Are we doing this right?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:rofl:

You're practically an expert!


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> LOL
> 
> I actually bought that several months ago. I told her in advance I was getting it and her reaction was....lukewarm. Very close to the vest (she's like that with a lot of stuff).
> 
> ...


It's not that sturdy anyways, ours broke after using it a few times but it was nice to have the option... I do enjoy the restriction but sounds like your wife might not if her reaction was not at least curiosity.

The best sex I had ever had was with hubby going dominant on me but I don't think he realized he was. It was at the start of our relationship and apparently he had never had a partner who could achieve multiple orgasms so easily so he decided to experiment delaying my orgasm and just watching my reactions without a care for his own, so I suppose it was an intense tantric sex session on my side.

Perhaps she would be more interested in something like this? Not really BDMS just very seductive, erotic and intense kind of experience.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> So my wife has been opening up a little more recently (yay) and has let me know she's interested in dabbling a bit in some BDSM stuff. I asked her which angle of BDSM she's interested in--the B, the D, or the SM and she really doesn't know.
> 
> I'm thinking of just starting out with some restraints or something? I don't know. It really isn't my cup of tea, but I'm totally down for trying something she wants to try.
> 
> ...


BDSM is a broad, broad category. She's sort of putting you in a spot if she won't give you any nudges. Then again, she really might not have an inkling, and just want you to take the lead. 

In which case, get your thick skin ready. You might have to endure some sharp rejections/reprimands while you try the hit and miss approach. 

I'm into extreme dominance and pain more so than bondage and restraints, but I think whatever you decide to try first, go slow. That doesn't mean be tentative--which is the worst thing you could do. 

Hopefully she's willing to laugh a little while you feel your way. 

Have fun Fozzy.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,
I'm surprised at how quickly you're dismissing something that F2 might like simply because it's outside your comfort zone. 

That's typically been your frustration with her. She dismisses stuff outside her comfort zone. And yet, here she is trying to heat the bedroom up and .....

Don't for one moment confuse dominance with mistreatment. They are completely independent dimensions. 






Fozzy said:


> She's never been shy about letting me know if something is physically uncomfortable. There are relatively few acts that are completely off the table.
> 
> Some things require her to take a little initiative in normal circumstances, and that's something she struggles with I think. BJ's for instance--while she claims to have nothing against them, there's just no way they ever happen short of me doing a cartwheel mid-session and "landing wrong". She just won't do it on her own.
> 
> Maybe this is good-girl stuff, or maybe she just doesn't think about doing stuff that isn't on her agenda. Not sure which. That makes me hesitant about what you're talking about. I could fake my way through being bossypants in the bedroom, but I really have no desire to order her to do something she doesn't want to do.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Fozzy, have YOU read 50 Shades? IMO, it's not what you do so much as how you do it. Let her see what you want. Stop trying to figure out what she wants. Is there something that excites you about BDSM? Start there (unless it's humiliation; I don't think that's a good place to start, but that just might be my personal bias.)

It might be worth your while to read up on aftercare. No matter how things go when you give it a whirl for the first time, do some after care.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Fozzy,
> I'm surprised at how quickly you're dismissing something that F2 might like simply because it's outside your comfort zone.
> 
> That's typically been your frustration with her. She dismisses stuff outside her comfort zone. And yet, here she is trying to heat the bedroom up and .....
> ...


I'm not dismissing it. I'm terrified. 

It's been a long hard slog trying to get her to where she'll open up to me. But when I try to reconcile in my mind how she's always been (stubborn, set in her ways) with how things could go if i jump in with the 9 1/2 weeks routine.....I'm afraid of potentially setting us back to square one by misreading a situation.

This is why I'm saying other aspects of BDSM would be easier for ME. I have no desire to go after her with a flog for instance, but if she flat out asked me to? Ok, I'll get behind that. Easy, open communication would make me much more comfortable with stuff that I don't necessarily understand.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Fozzy,

Let me suggest maybe you don't know about tying, at least with BDSM. If you tie a load on a trailer you want to be positive it doesn't come loose, so you tie very tight and make extra knots. Do that to a person and you may cut circulation or in wriggling the tie gets tighter, or that a limb was fine but is now in pain and you cant undo it quickly, There are sites that talk about this, google for BDSM 101 ropework etc. 
Alternately, a light version is tell her to hold something, the bedhead or her own hands over her head. The power is all in your voice. You can threaten bad things if she moves. She knows she is not in danger. And it is much quicker to set up.

Also mildly 'force' her to talk about it afterwards a little. While she is still half under your power. This may be one of your few chances to get her to talk about different things that she liked or didn't like.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Fozzy, have YOU read 50 Shades? IMO, it's not what you do so much as how you do it. Let her see what you want. Stop trying to figure out what she wants. Is there something that excites you about BDSM? Start there (unless it's humiliation; I don't think that's a good place to start, but that just might be my personal bias.)
> 
> It might be worth your while to read up on aftercare. No matter how things go when you give it a whirl for the first time, do some after care.


I have not read it, but I did see the movie. I've also spent the last few years listening to my mostly female coworkers discuss it pretty much every day. One of them even got a tattoo of it. 

There must be something to it though--those are the first books she's read in 20 years. I gave her my kindle so she can take her stuff to work. I even loaded the first Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty on it


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Found this site about knots, it's animated...

... Handcuff Knot | How to tie the Handcuff Knot | Rescue Knots


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Frightening stuff indeed. More on that tonight when I have some free time. 





Fozzy said:


> I'm not dismissing it. I'm terrified.
> 
> It's been a long hard slog trying to get her to where she'll open up to me. But when I try to reconcile in my mind how she's always been (stubborn, set in her ways) with how things could go if i jump in with the 9 1/2 weeks routine.....I'm afraid of potentially setting us back to square one by misreading a situation.
> 
> This is why I'm saying other aspects of BDSM would be easier for ME. I have no desire to go after her with a flog for instance, but if she flat out asked me to? Ok, I'll get behind that. Easy, open communication would make me much more comfortable with stuff that I don't necessarily understand.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Is it bad that I went straight to the fishing section?



whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> Found this site about knots, it's animated...
> 
> ... Handcuff Knot | How to tie the Handcuff Knot | Rescue Knots


ETA: that handcuff knot is pretty cool.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Is it bad that I went straight to the fishing section?


Watch for binding that is so thin it can cut. Most sex stores will have a bondage 101 with the gotchas that people don't think about.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Is it bad that I went straight to the fishing section?


Haha...NO! I thought the point was to mix pleasure with pain?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lila,

I will give examples when I free up tonight.



Lila said:


> Could you expand on this? I'm not quite sure I understand the meaning. (english was not my first language)


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I'm thinking of just starting out with some restraints or something? I don't know. It really isn't my cup of tea, but I'm totally down for trying something she wants to try.
> 
> Any advice for newbies?


There is a fabulous system called "Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System". If you search for that on Amazon.com you will find a very beginner friendly velcro system that works. 

I haven't tried it but read through the reviews and it seems pretty legit.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

committed_guy said:


> There is a fabulous system called "Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System". If you search for that on Amazon.com you will find a very beginner friendly velcro system that works.
> 
> I haven't tried it but read through the reviews and it seems pretty legit.


CG--don't waste your money. It's cheap and breaks easy


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BDSM isn't our thing, but Mrs. MbH got very turned on by the movie for some reason. We'll use blindfolds and occasionally restraints, but then tease with a feather duster or cashmere or similar. That's about as far as we want to take it.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

NotEasy said:


> Alternately, a light version is tell her to hold something, the bedhead or her own hands over her head. The power is all in your voice. You can threaten bad things if she moves.


Omg so that is what that was! A variation of it I suppose.
Hubby once got me to list all the house chores I did that day in the middle of very heated lovemaking, he threatened to stop if I didn't reply or took too long to mention next chore and a spank if I messed up and listed an item I had already mentioned. It was interesting... I've may or may not messed up on purpose a couple of times... The listing was something he knew it would be difficult for me to do since my brain kinda turns off when I am extremely aroused, kept me on my toes.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is what I can tell you with certainty, if a woman says;

"I'll do whatever you want me to do."

or

"I'll do whatever you tell me to do."


And your choice is either none of the above, or , "Well let's talk about what that means." or "Would it be OK if ...?"

She's eventually going to stop saying those things above.

Start at the shallow end. As MEM said short commands, sexual edge.

Take your clothes off. [To her]

Lie down.

Cover her eyes. Pick up a sleep mask or as suggested use a scarf or tie.

Use a feather or one of those cat toys on a stick ... not kidding and start running it over her body.

Then eventually use your hands.

Then your mouth.

The rest will follow.


This is like cooking. Master the basics. Add ingredients, spice, and other styles as you get more comfortable in the kitchen.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Along the lines of what Deejo suggested, a good place to start is light domination combined with sensory deprivation and control

1. Have her undress or undress her and have her lie in bed. Tell her to place her hands above her head, and that they are to stay there or she will be restrained. (Some women are not comfortable in this position due to body image issues, so be sensitive to that. You can have her lay on her stomach or sit in a chair as well.)

2. Blindfold her--sheer scarf or sleep mask. 

3. Begin with stroking her hair. Lean in and breathe in her scent. (Give cues like that to indicate that this is for your pleasure, and that you are enjoying it.) Massage her a bit--temples, face, shoulders, working your way down and around the good parts. Demonstrate ownership of her body with your hands. 

4. Remind her to lay still, hands in the air if she fidgets. Don't bark at her--stop what you are doing and speak to her calmly and gently. Restrain her hands if she won't keep them up. 

5. Switch to some sensory toys. The edge of a leather belt dragged over the skin is a good one. Leather is damn sexy and has a lot of suggestive power. (I find feathers annoying because they tickle.) A wartenberg wheel is also pretty hot. Hot wax play with soy candles (they don't get as hot as regular way) is great. 

6. During the sensory play, start to touch her sexually. If she's okay with toys, incorporate a vibrator or dildo. Start to use your mouth to kiss her body. Avoid oral if it's not something she's comfortable with. First time isn't the time to push her limits. 

7. Not sure what her "orgasm style" is, but if you can give her one manually, do it. Draw it out, but not too long. 

8. Finish by having PIV--make it pretty fast and hard and all about you coming: her pleasure is over. 

9. Untie her, take off her blindfold, hold her close and stroke her hair. If she feels like talking, let her. Otherwise, just be with her.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Fozzy, let me disagree with myself. Reading about knots should not be your first task. I fear there may be mis-communication centered around what is meant by BDSM.
Read "50 Shades" and discuss it with her. I haven't read it myself, but I think it is more romance novel, than a BDSM novel. I just saw it is a trilogy of 1625 pages, and it doesn't really get started till the second book, so perhaps discuss it first or get her to pick a favourite scene that you can act out. Or get the DVD.
My guess is she is not asking for Bondage or Discipline and especially not asking for SadoMasochism. Instead she is interested in experimenting with romantic Dominance and Submission. 

When mis-communication might be present, it is especially important to talk and have a safe-word. Stress that you care about her and so you insist that she has a safe-word. Make sure she understand that she is not a failure if she uses it. 

Go slow and gentle. and talk


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Along the lines of what Deejo suggested, a good place to start is light domination combined with sensory deprivation and control
> 
> 1. Have her undress or undress her and have her lie in bed. Tell her to place her hands above her head, and that they are to stay there or she will be restrained. (Some women are not comfortable in this position due to body image issues, so be sensitive to that. You can have her lay on her stomach or sit in a chair as well.)
> 
> ...


I had to google wartenberg wheel. I actually noticed one of those the other day when we were browsing around in the "dungeon" section at the sex shop. I had no idea what it was but it looked like something a dentist would use


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So based on a couple of comments you have made ... are you really all that brand new at this?

Because if so, as has been mentioned, this is all pretty low threshold stuff.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

We've browsed, but never really gone anywhere with it. I have a little basic knowledge gleaned from what i've read, but like I said in my first post--I really don't know what direction to take this with her. She really does not like to give instructions (or hints for that matter) so often I'm left to fumble my way through stuff. 

For example, while I know that reading the books has brought it to the front of her mind, I still don't know exactly what in the books she's responding to. I don't know if it's the dominance, the whips and chains, or what.

Hopefully it's not the helicopter, because I can't help her there.

I think drawing out that information from her would be key in developing where I can go with this.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As usual Getting It is: QFT

The after part matters. And Fozzy - no nervous talking allowed. You might have the urge - resist. 

Soothing is good - via touch. And listening. If she says: I liked that. The only response is 'great'. 

If she says: that was a little scary
Reply with a question: good scary or bad scary






GettingIt said:


> Along the lines of what Deejo suggested, a good place to start is light domination combined with sensory deprivation and control
> 
> 1. Have her undress or undress her and have her lie in bed. Tell her to place her hands above her head, and that they are to stay there or she will be restrained. (Some women are not comfortable in this position due to body image issues, so be sensitive to that. You can have her lay on her stomach or sit in a chair as well.)
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,

Here's what's most likely. 
1. The books made her hot, very hot
2. She's not so sure how this will translate IRL
AND
3. She has some serious good girl issues so she is NOT going to get explicit - too embarrassed 

If you have a safe word - nothing too bad can happen....

And - you are welcome to have a laugh at my expense but I suffered from some deep rooted 'good boy' issues. 

When this first came up I was afraid. My up bringing was simple:
Striking a woman, even open handed was an absolute no go under any circumstance. 
Acting like a dominant sociopath with her was equally verboten. 

But then I realized that we were either going to step forward together or M2 was going to be seriously disappointed. So we played around with this, got good at it and that made for some very intense experiences. 

That said - we had some moments - I was fine spanking M2 - but she pressed for a bit more than that. And I just - couldn't. Could not. 







Fozzy said:


> We've browsed, but never really gone anywhere with it. I have a little basic knowledge gleaned from what i've read, but like I said in my first post--I really don't know what direction to take this with her. She really does not like to give instructions (or hints for that matter) so often I'm left to fumble my way through stuff.
> 
> For example, while I know that reading the books has brought it to the front of her mind, I still don't know exactly what in the books she's responding to. I don't know if it's the dominance, the whips and chains, or what.
> 
> ...


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Have a browse over at fetlife.com. 
They have a beginners section. Will give you a few ideas as to what you both might like


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If my wife reads 50 Shades she will ask for an Audi R8.... 

There are lots of internet resources out there, perhaps part of the fun of discovery would be to do it together? Maybe schedule a trip in a BDSM inspiring place? Watch some good quality European movies (Emmanuelle, Story of O...)

You don't need to run to your nearest PetSmart (*) for supplies just yet... Figure out what she wants first.

(*) trust me on this one . Maybe even Tractor Supply Co.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

john117 said:


> If my wife reads 50 Shades she will ask for an Audi R8....


For all of the sh!t we can get mired in around here, I have to say I love nothing more than when I read a post that makes me bust out belly laughing.

Much appreciated John.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Remember earlier when I said one of my coworkers got the 50 shades tattoo? Yeah, she got the Audi also. One year later, another of them got the same Audi.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Keep the Audi and the helicopter and the penthouse--I'll take the part about the Dom who wants me to pig out and gain weight. :rofl:


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Maybe her reluctance to talk about sexual details can be side-stepped. Play 20 questions with her. Ask only yes/no questions. Like:
Is it the romance that you like in 50 shades?
Is it the mild forcing that you like in 50 shades?
...
Or perhaps she doesn't even have to speak. Watch 50 shades DVD together and watch which parts seem to exite her. 

If you can't find what she likes then it is an awkward trial and error, with lots of unpleasant errors.

Your one advantage is that you set the rules. So set them. You don't want a mutiny, so the rules must be acceptable. But always appear firm and sure. Gradually change the rules however you want. Listen to suggestions, but never appear nervous or unsure. You decide the rules.

Perhaps let her know that for this time only she can give simple one word directions. Simple non-sexual things like softer, harder, slower, faster. This sort of thing can very easily kill the atmosphere. After all who is in control? But maybe it would be ok just once so that you can learn. After you set a base line, let her know you will not be listening to further directions, and you will be doing what you like. (which just happens to be the base line with a little variation each time) This should reduce the number of unpleasant errors. 

Of course, you always listen to your safe word.

She doesn't want to talk and, I guess, she wants to be forced to do things. So make her reluctance to talk part of the game. I find the best time to talk is just after a session. Make it a rule that you hold her, make her feel safe, maybe get her to close her eyes; then she has to quietly tell you something she enjoyed or disliked or she will be <insert mildly annoying punishment here>.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Just registered at fetlife and showed it to her. I'd say she was...curious.

Definitely a lot to read.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> I'm not dismissing it. I'm terrified.
> 
> It's been a long hard slog trying to get her to where she'll open up to me. But when I try to reconcile in my mind how she's always been (stubborn, set in her ways) with how things could go if i jump in with the 9 1/2 weeks routine.....I'm afraid of potentially setting us back to square one by misreading a situation.
> 
> This is why I'm saying other aspects of BDSM would be easier for ME. I have no desire to go after her with a flog for instance, but if she flat out asked me to? Ok, I'll get behind that. Easy, open communication would make me much more comfortable with stuff that I don't necessarily understand.


It makes sense to be terrified...but soon you will find out that you are learning all kinds of new things about yourself and her. And yeah they might be kind of scary things, but it is YOU and HER. You know each other, you are safe with each other. Whatever you may learn about yourselves, I promise it will end up being ok and fascinating, and it will increase your intimacy.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Research, research, and then research some more.

I did not read 50 shades because I was bored with it after 2 chapters. I saw the movie and thought it was lame and not really an accurate description. I do have real life experience in this area, so maybe that is why. 

I was introduced to this lifestyle by someone who was very experienced. I have had 3 partners total that were into this lifestyle. I tried to do it with my husband while dating and he was not into it, so I let it go and decided I wanted him more than the BDSM. 

Now that I am going to be single again, I will venture back into this. I really miss it and have never felt more alive than when I practiced this. As others have stated, there are many aspects of this. You have to learn and define your limits. Things you think you will not like, you might like. Things you think you might like, you may dislike, etc.

I think you will find where you want to be, it will just take time because neither one of you have any experience. It would be helpful if she would talk though. I think she needs to open up to you if you both really want this to work. Make sure she understands that if she is the one submitting to you, that SHE is the one that is truly in control. That is the common mistake people make. This is not abuse.

I bet you will have fun experimenting.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lila said:


> Dominance is probably the most difficult part of BDSM in that it's more mental than physical.
> 
> .


But also the most rewarding and bonding, if done right.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ha! I knew it! I knew she was a closet submissive! Told ya, told ya!

Some excellent advice here but I just wanted to add some specifics to help underscore the importance of dominating during sex.

Before any sex begins, get in her personal space as often as you can, except when she's carrying a pot of boiling pasta to the sink! Get right up in her space and give her a direct look, hold her face gently, and say, "excellent dinner." Then run your fingers gently down her arms, grab her wrist, hold them begin her back, lean in so she has to bend backwards and kiss her neck. That's gentle basic domination forplay. That lets her know that later sex will be happening and she will be a good girl and do as she is told to do. You might even want to say that to her at some point.

At this point you can have regular sex without any bondage or blindfolds or floggers. But during sex you are the leader, the aggressor, the one making it happen.

Like MEM said, she has the "good girl" persona so following your directions in bed takes her off the hook for being a dirty girl! As such, make sure you tell her "good girl" when she follows your directions so that she learns that the real good girls are the dirty girls!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yep, you called it AP. Internet strangers apparently do a better job reading my wife than I do


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## technophile (Jun 7, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Fozzy,
> I'm not the least bit surprised that the person who knows you better than anyone in the world - totally trusts you.
> 
> It's why - I had to guess - you might be a bit anxious right now.
> ...


I was seriously inspired by this advice yesterday. Outside of the bedroom, my wife has a generally submissive personality. She also has a lot of good girl hangups. We have played with light bondage before and she really enjoys it. She has hinted to me several times that she wishes I would "take charge" more.

So after reading MEM's advice yesterday, I decided to put it to the test last night. I played my part to the nines. Simple instructions? check. Edge in my voice? check. Threat of mild but escalating disciplinary action? check.

Five minutes in she burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Evidently some of us just can't pull it off.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Fozzy, what is really important here is that she has trusted you with her deepest desires. It is very difficult to admit it to your partner for the very first time, it makes you very vulnerable. This is her gift to you, and - no matter how you feel about BDSM - do not show or say anything that would make her shut down again. I am sure it is very hard to her even now to tell you what exactly she wants, even if she knows - it will take anothe barrier to go down. 

Ask her to fill out BDSM questionnaire - and once it's done, together go over this, and you both will learn a lot what turns you on, what is absolute no-no, what's possible with a little encouragment.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Deejo said:


> For all of the sh!t we can get mired in around here, I have to say I love nothing more than when I read a post that makes me bust out belly laughing.
> 
> Much appreciated John.


All that and John didn't get a like......I did though!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Thumbs up for the first thread where i read wife tries this stuff with her husband.

Congrats fozzy. Winner!!!


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> CG--don't waste your money. It's cheap and breaks easy


What do you recommend then?

I was looking for something easy, cheap and velcroy.

I was hoping to tie up, gag and blindfold the wife while I play computer games. I'd figure I would get at least a few hours in before she breaks free.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> All that and John didn't get a like......I did though!



Maybe if it was a Japan spec Nissan Skyline GT-R (the old one) I would be impressed by Mr. Grey


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Yea. Billionaires wait to be tamed by 21 year old gorgeous virgins ( population 12) and ignore the line of willing hot women waiting at the door.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Have to admit im pumped for fozzy.

It couldnt have been easy for her.

Love her
Love her long time.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think one of the most important things to keep in mind about "kink" or BDSM is that it covers a huge range of activities, and the peoples interests in these activities can be very different. 

There are some "BDSM" things I would enjoy, and some that I would never every want to do. Other people will have other lists. 

This is one reason safe-words are critical. What may seem a minor detail for one person could cross a limit with another. 

I think it is important to never act shocked at something your partner suggests. Its fine to turn them down, but try to never suggest that they are somehow "wrong" for asking for something. 



One thought: Both of you, (or just you if she is too shy) put a number of scenarios on index cards - they can cover a wide range of games. Then each of you can remove cards from the deck for things you don't want to do. Then draw a random card for something to try - that way you aren't exactly "asking" for something.....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

technophile said:


> I was seriously inspired by this advice yesterday. Outside of the bedroom, my wife has a generally submissive personality. She also has a lot of good girl hangups. We have played with light bondage before and she really enjoys it. She has hinted to me several times that she wishes I would "take charge" more.
> 
> So after reading MEM's advice yesterday, I decided to put it to the test last night. I played my part to the nines. Simple instructions? check. Edge in my voice? check. Threat of mild but escalating disciplinary action? check.
> 
> Five minutes in she burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Evidently some of us just can't pull it off.



Don't take her giggles personally. I giggle too when we scene. I can't help it. It's part excitement, part nervousness, and part I don't know how to fully get into the submissive frame of mind right away. When we first started I giggled a lot. Luckily my husband completely ignored my giggles and kept going. Someone suggested to him, MisterG I believe, that my husband should discipline me for giggling. I even giggle when he spanks me and GettingIt suggested he isn't spanking me hard enough!

Now my husband always begins with a blindfold. This helps him stay in the right frame of mind since he can only see me smile which is easier to interpret positively without eye contact.

The point is...

Sex play is FUN! Doing a scene is fun. When we have fun together we feel connected and bonded. 

So ignore her smiles and giggles and keep going. Threaten a spanking if she doesn't comport herself properly. Use a blindfold to keep her "in the dark" so you can keep your Dom mind in the zone.

Go here and read all about the HusbandDom experience
Www.husdom.com

Mr Fox, the Dom who runs Husdom, might even show up on this thread since I have lit the batlight!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Don't take her giggles personally. I giggle too when we scene. I can't help it. It's part excitement, part nervousness, and part I don't know how to fully get into the submissive frame of mind right away. When we first started I giggled a lot. Luckily my husband completely ignored my giggles and kept going. Someone suggested to him, MisterG I believe, that my husband should discipline me for giggling. I even giggle when he spanks me and GettingIt suggested he isn't spanking me hard enough!
> 
> Now my husband always begins with a blindfold. This helps him stay in the right frame of mind since he can only see me smile which is easier to interpret positively without eye contact.
> 
> ...


Oh, I fully expect giggles and guffaws. I can't really take offense to them since I really don't think I could be taking myself seriously either at first. 

I just kind of wish I knew how deep this rabbit hole goes.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Oh, I fully expect giggles and guffaws. I can't really take offense to them since I really don't think I could be taking myself seriously either at first.
> 
> I just kind of wish I knew how deep this rabbit hole goes.


I think introducing a Rabbit at this early stage would be pushing her too far.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Oh, I fully expect giggles and guffaws. I can't really take offense to them since I really don't think I could be taking myself seriously either at first.
> 
> I just kind of wish I knew how deep this rabbit hole goes.


She probably doesn't know either, Fozzy. I doubt she is just waiting to pull out some crazy sh*t on you unexpectedly. She is asking you to help her, guide her, so she won't slip and fall. Pretend you are both going down into a cave. A little scary but you are together and one or the other of you has to be steady for the other one while you climb down. But just figure once you get down there you will both be steady.

What do you think you are _actually_ afraid of? Do you think your own experiences are what you are really afraid of, versus what is down her rabbit hole? You don't have to answer, I'm just tossing that into your head to look at.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Lila said:


> Dominance is probably the most difficult part of BDSM in that it's more mental than physical.
> 
> From personal experience, I don't enjoy BDSM (other than light bondage) because the dominance aspect freaks me out; however, I thoroughly enjoy reading books with some elements of this. Your wife may really like being dominated or she may be like me where it doesn't work, but you have to try it convincingly to figure it out.


I see it differently, dominance is the easy part, as it is more emotional than physical or technical. No bothering about learning complicated knots, or how to safely turn a person into a pretzel, no expensive gear to buy. Less to go wrong. Just firmly grab her and command with authority.

Of course everyone is different. For me, dominance is milder and less likely to upset someone. The OP's issue is to find something his W enjoys, without her telling him or maybe even without her clearly knowing it herself. And he has to find it before she has too many bad experiences and becomes disinterested/embarrassed/upset/whatever. So I suggest, start mild with something she hopefully likes and make small steps from there. Who knows where you end up.

If she is curious with the fetlife site, then rather than getting her to talk just ask her to point. Isn't the internet wonderful. 




Lila said:


> Dominance is probably the most difficult part of BDSM





WandaJ said:


> But also the most rewarding and bonding, if done right.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Yep, you called it AP. Internet strangers apparently do a better job reading my wife than I do


Sometimes that's the way it goes. #WoodForTheTrees


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Oh, I fully expect giggles and guffaws. I can't really take offense to them since I really don't think I could be taking myself seriously either at first.
> 
> I just kind of wish I knew how deep this rabbit hole goes.


The rabbit hole goes only as far as you're both comfortable going. You're not likely going to discover that your previously sexually conservative wife wants to be tied to a St Andrews cross and whipped. 

You might, however, discover that being tied to the bed, blindfolded, while you do naughty and delightful things to her lady parts makes her scream in pleasure!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Mr Fox, the Dom who runs Husdom, might even show up on this thread since I have lit the batlight!



This one?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DayOne said:


> This one?



:lol:


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

Are you _sure_ that she knows the difference between BDSM and D/S? 

There is some overlap, but I suspect she might be more into you being more dominant, without necessarily getting into anything more extreme. At least at first!

I think the quote below would be an excellent place to start - and would be significantly less scary to do! If you try something more like this, you can see which parts of it she really responds to.



Anon Pink said:


> Some excellent advice here but I just wanted to add some specifics to help underscore the importance of dominating during sex.
> 
> Before any sex begins, get in her personal space as often as you can, except when she's carrying a pot of boiling pasta to the sink! Get right up in her space and give her a direct look, hold her face gently, and say, "excellent dinner." Then run your fingers gently down her arms, grab her wrist, hold them begin her back, lean in so she has to bend backwards and kiss her neck. That's gentle basic domination forplay. That lets her know that later sex will be happening and she will be a good girl and do as she is told to do. You might even want to say that to her at some point.
> 
> ...


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> She probably doesn't know either, Fozzy. I doubt she is just waiting to pull out some crazy sh*t on you unexpectedly. She is asking you to help her, guide her, so she won't slip and fall. Pretend you are both going down into a cave. A little scary but you are together and one or the other of you has to be steady for the other one while you climb down. But just figure once you get down there you will both be steady.
> 
> What do you think you are _actually_ afraid of? Do you think your own experiences are what you are really afraid of, versus what is down her rabbit hole? You don't have to answer, I'm just tossing that into your head to look at.


Interesting question. I think I see where you're going with that.

I'm not afraid of the freaky stuff on its own. Neither one of us is going to end up sending the other to the E.R. or anything. I think what I'm afraid of is the potential that I might not be able to live up to her desires. If we end up unlocking her inner freak (don't get me wrong, I WANT to do that) I'm afraid it's going to end up shining a spotlight on the fact that I'm not going to be able to live up to it, ending in us going back to the way things have been. Except this time it will be clearly all on me. 

It's my own insecurities trying to get in the way. I'll find a way to stuff a sock in them


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

dismissed said:


> Are you _sure_ that she knows the difference between BDSM and D/S?
> 
> There is some overlap, but I suspect she might be more into you being more dominant, without necessarily getting into anything more extreme. At least at first!
> 
> I think the quote below would be an excellent place to start - and would be significantly less scary to do! If you try something more like this, you can see which parts of it she really responds to.


No, actually I'm fairly sure she doesn't really parse it out between BDSM and D/s at this point.

I'm going to just dip the line in the water in a few different directions and see where I get a nibble.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,

Totally get that. I was afraid of disappointing M2. 

So I did this gradually - it was overall a very positive experience. 




Fozzy said:


> Interesting question. I think I see where you're going with that.
> 
> I'm not afraid of the freaky stuff on its own. Neither one of us is going to end up sending the other to the E.R. or anything. I think what I'm afraid of is the potential that I might not be able to live up to her desires. If we end up unlocking her inner freak (don't get me wrong, I WANT to do that) I'm afraid it's going to end up shining a spotlight on the fact that I'm not going to be able to live up to it, ending in us going back to the way things have been. Except this time it will be clearly all on me.
> 
> It's my own insecurities trying to get in the way. I'll find a way to stuff a sock in them


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> No, actually I'm fairly sure she doesn't really parse it out between BDSM and D/s at this point.
> 
> I'm going to just dip the line in the water in a few different directions and see where I get a nibble.



Can I suggest you take off the bear costume first? But keep the growling. Growling is sexy!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

It's not a costume. I just really need a good back-waxing.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Interesting question. I think I see where you're going with that.
> 
> I'm not afraid of the freaky stuff on its own. Neither one of us is going to end up sending the other to the E.R. or anything. I think what I'm afraid of is the potential that I might not be able to live up to her desires. If we end up unlocking her inner freak (don't get me wrong, I WANT to do that) I'm afraid it's going to end up shining a spotlight on the fact that I'm not going to be able to live up to it, ending in us going back to the way things have been. Except this time it will be clearly all on me.
> 
> It's my own insecurities trying to get in the way. I'll find a way to stuff a sock in them


You're not alone brother. There's a few of us guys on the same highway...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A couple quick comments. 

- Tone and body language are a huge part of this. Terms like 'bossy pants' are not helping you get to the right mindset. 
- The more she feels you totally take control the more she will relax and just do what you say - without thinking about it.

That part was easy for me. 

I did however limit the experience a bit. And in doing so - reduced the intensity of it for M2. I umm only punished her when she 'resisted'. 

The whole premise for that was - resistance was the cue for punishment. 

Simple dynamic at work. 

I say: do X (and X is some vanilla thing we do all the time)
M2 responds with: No or just a defiant stare

That was a cue. A very clear cue that I had no trouble responding to. 





Fozzy said:


> No, actually I'm fairly sure she doesn't really parse it out between BDSM and D/s at this point.
> 
> I'm going to just dip the line in the water in a few different directions and see where I get a nibble.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Last night's interactions:

Went to bed, both of us got settled in.

Wife: Hold me.
Me: (reading) Ask nicely.
Wife: Hold me!
Me: (keep reading)
Wife a minute later: Hold me, please?
Me: laid the book down, shut off the light and held her good.

Woke up this morning in same position. Woke her up with some light teasing. She ended up wanting more.
Me: flip over
Wife: EXCUSE ME?
Me: (bodily flipped her over)

Both of us left for work with a smile on our faces.


Baby steps.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That's perfect Fozzy!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> I replaced my ummm consultative sales approach to the bedroom with a - I'm in charge and expect you to either comply or accept some mild but escalating disciplinary action.


That is PERFECT.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Fozzy, maybe read the last two posts over on Anon's thread. The rest of the thread is largely irrelevant here, just these 2 posts. I still wonder if your W understands what she wants from BDSM. And the post is not instructions for how to get there, just describes a destination that your W may have in mind.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ld-me-while-i-read-book-186.html#post12704714

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ld-me-while-i-read-book-186.html#post12705042


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

I think my wife giggles on purpose. She knows the consequences. (Involves my 2'' leather belt) don't want to hurt her but it takes a bit to stop her giggling. 
She really is into this good girl / band girl persona. 
But it's fun and we both enjoy it. 
So Fozzy have fun


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## Gob Bluth (Jul 12, 2010)

I'm a big fan of using a little tickling as part of our play when it comes to dominant play. A little playful, a little sadistic, a nice way to gain some power.

Love these posts.....


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Gob Bluth said:


> I'm a big fan of using a little tickling as part of our play when it comes to dominant play. A little playful, a little sadistic, a nice way to gain some power.
> 
> Love these posts.....


tickling would be a hard limit for me, lol!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Give us an update Fozzy, you know we're all rooting for you and the Mrs. Foz to be getting some gooooood stuff.


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

BDSM has been a part of my marriage for more than 40 years. I have tried it all but lean more towards the S&M part. My wife used to accommodate me but she was not into it, just doing it to please me. After a few years she asked her girlfriend to join us in bed. It satisfied my wife's new found sexual attraction to women and my need for a dominant female. She was a natural Sadist who would sigh with pleasure when she hurt me. So it worked out well for all concerned.

The secret it to start off slow. Light restraints, a blindfold and perhaps a light spanking or paddling. From there go with the flow to see what she likes. You need to get her to tell you her fantasies that she may be too embarrassed to talk about. I have had a great sex life because I ask for what I want in sex no matter how weird. 

Set up a safe word so that your wife knows she is safe and can stop at any times. I suggest using red to immediately stop and untie. Yellow to lighten up or just stop to talk about it. Green to go harder or give her more. If you use a gag, which can be fun, setup something she can do to stop you other than saying red. We use a humming to a tune we both know. It can be as simple as three quick hums.

Always be safe and sane in what you do. Sometimes submissives get carried away and ask for unsafe things and it is up to you to keep things safe for her. The more you engage in BDSM games, the more trust and feeling of being safe and in charge, she will feel. It really is the submissive that has all the power. The dominant cannot do anything unless the submissive give permission to do it.

There are many starter kits online with fuzzy handcuffs, very light whips that really do not hurt at all, and usually a blindfold. My suggestion for the first time would be a blindfold and loosely tying her hands so that she cannot stop you. They sell some great restraints that go under your mattress and come out on all four corners with velcro padded hand and foot cuffs. They tuck out of sight when not in use.

Try using ice cubes on her nipples. Tease her but stop before she cums. Do this a few times. See if she enjoys pinching her nipples. Start off very lightly and have her tell you when it hurts too much. You do this with everything to learn her tolerance levels for various things. You can also tie her butt up for a good old fashioned spanking. Start off gently and increase until she starts to squirm or asks you to stop. It is key that she knows you can stop you at any time.

Communicate and have her tell you what she may like to try and what is a definate no-no. She may like light face slapping and not like having her nipples pinched. If you communicate well it will work out well for you. The problem is always that the one who is being dominant, does not want to hurt his spouse or does not enjoy dominating her. That is very common but even if you do not grow to like BDSM, you still can do a few things to please her without getting into it deeply. Have fun.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

We've been extremely busy the last few days with family stuff, so not a lot to report. I do have it on my agenda to browse through some stuff on the web with her tonight or tomorrow night. I'll keep you posted.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

have fun


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Have you guys watched the movie Secretary? Highly recommended! Just a fun movie to watch, there's no instructions or anything like that. It is a movie that sticks in most people's minds for a long, long time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Other than stunning acting, the Secretary movie is ho hum... I like it but as I said many times watch Story of O to see the real thing


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yeah, I liked Secretary quite a bit. James Spader is one of my favorite actors.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

john117 said:


> Other than stunning acting, the Secretary movie is ho hum... I like it but as I said many times watch Story of O to see the real thing


Haven't heard of this one. I'll check it out.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Secretary on of our favorites.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Did you watch it together? Did she like it?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

We watched it about a year ago. She said it was "odd" but she liked it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> We watched it about a year ago. She said it was "odd" but she liked it.


It was odd. The movie opens with Maggie (what's her name) getting out of the psych ward for cutting, she goes home and cuts some more, and then she is dominated by the boss from hell. 

They shouldn't have paired cutting with spanking. 

H and I finally watched 50 shades movie. A very erotic movie! Lots of sensation play, with very sexy scenning. The dude who plays Christian Gray comes off as a little gay. So...if they film books 2 and 3, I hope they can replace him with someone who is believably masculin. That movie revved my engines! 
:grin2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Meh, I'd rather be freaked out by stuff I've never seen before. Secretary was novel and unpredictable, 50 Shades was the opposite.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> Give us an update Fozzy, you know we're all rooting for you and the Mrs. Foz to be getting some gooooood stuff.


Ok, I can't stay quiet.
Do you realise that here 'rooting' = PIV ?
Not that I have anything against us all rooting for them.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Meh, I'd rather be freaked out by stuff I've never seen before. Secretary was novel and unpredictable, 50 Shades was the opposite.


I agree. While I like Secretary a lot, I couldn't get past the problems of why they paired her cutting with domination masochistic desires. Cutting has nothing what so ever to do with domination or masochism.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

True. There's no correlation. I did like it that her Dom told her to stop it and never do it again though. That was cute.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Get some note cards and each of you take a stack of cards. Write down things you would like to do to each other, things you would like done to you and fantasies that you each have. One item per card. You can read each others, in private or in the presence of each other. If you read them in private, you can sort them into piles of "yes I would do that," "I might consider this" and "I am not ready for this." This is a good way to explore some things that interest you and open up the lines of communication.

B/D is bondage and discipline. This can be mild to extreme and much in between. Always begin on the mild end and explore bit by bit to see what you are both up for. Communication is vital and a safe word is a must. Make sure your safe word is not a common word, but rather something like "kangaroo" or "peanut butter." Here is a lovely set of cuffs for beginner bondage. They have a super soft fur on the inside, great for texture, and are fastened with velcro so they are easy to undo, but sturdy for pulling against. Black Rose Kinky Kuffs - DJ2301-18 - A Place For Passion

D/S is dominance and submission. This is where one will take the power position and one will be submissive. This is a common theme in many romance novels. The man knows what he wants and is not afraid to take it. He will protect the woman and fight for her. He is proud to have her and makes it clear that she is the only one for him. The men tend to be hardened, cold-hearted or unworthy, yet she is able to bring out the softer side of him. He can be assertive and he can be tender. This is a nice leather flogger, Black Rose Whipping Willow - DJ2301-15 - A Place For Passion It can be used to discipline, or it can used to tease. The feel of leather gliding over your naked body can be a great stimulus. Flogging lightly can be a nice stimulus as well.

S/M is sadism and masochism. This is where pain comes in play. This is the more advanced area, not a place to begin. You must have excellent communication and clear boundaries when entering this realm. I suggest lots and lots of research.

Research is a good idea for all these areas. Know what you are looking into and don't be afraid to explore.

Toys can be a great way to expand your creativity as well. Sometimes this can be a little easier to begin with than some of the other areas. A small vibrator can be a wonderful tool for stimulating your partner. 

Role playing is a great way to begin. You can watch a movie or read a book and step into the roles of the lead characters. It doesn't have to be precise, just have fun with each other and enjoy where the play takes you. Don't forget that outfit can be a lot of fun. When you wear something that makes your partner eye you with desire, your own desire will be cranked up a notch as well. A bustier like this, Satin and Lace Bustier Set - Black - Medium - STM-9838PBLKM - A Place For Passion is a sexy little number. There is a variety of lingerie out there now days. You can get all kinds of styles, allowing a woman to feel sexy, playing off her assets and concealing those areas she may be shy about. Thigh highs, gloves, high heels, lingerie, it can all help to create the atmosphere that you want. There are even sexy items for the men. Silky boxers feel good for you and can be a lot of fun for her to stroke. There are other things for guys to wear as well, depending on how adventurous you both are. 

The biggest thing is to have fun and respect each others boundaries.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

lovemylife said:


> *Get some note cards and each of you take a stack of cards. Write down things you would like to do to each other, things you would like done to you and fantasies that you each have. One item per card. You can read each others, in private or in the presence of each other. If you read them in private, you can sort them into piles of "yes I would do that," "I might consider this" and "I am not ready for this." This is a good way to explore some things that interest you and open up the lines of communication.*
> 
> B/D is bondage and discipline. This can be mild to extreme and much in between. Always begin on the mild end and explore bit by bit to see what you are both up for. Communication is vital and a safe word is a must. Make sure your safe word is not a common word, but rather something like "kangaroo" or "peanut butter." Here is a lovely set of cuffs for beginner bondage. They have a super soft fur on the inside, great for texture, and are fastened with velcro so they are easy to undo, but sturdy for pulling against. Black Rose Kinky Kuffs - DJ2301-18 - A Place For Passion
> 
> ...


I like this idea, thank you!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
not sure if I posted this here before: 
Be aware that people vary a LOT in what they think of as BDSM and what they consider more or less extreme acts.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Minor update--we discussed interests, etc the other evening. Pain and humiliation are out, thank God. Bondage, rough sex and possibly a sex swing are on the menu. The swing is sitting in my Amazon wishlist. It's going to have to wait until after summer vacation


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> Are we doing this right?


Classic!


haha ....I've only reached page 2 and saw this. 

Dominance aside, keeping a sense of humor nearby with sex is essential! Good stuff. As you were, Mr Grey.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I'm not concerned about it getting out of control or anything so much as I'm not sure I can sell myself if it turns into her wanting me to be Christian Grey or something.


You are so much more than Christian Grey. She knows this. There's not really anything you need to 'live up' to other than being her husband and exploring this with her. Sure, there could be some role-play or adjusting between you, but it's still the both of you. It's still her husband that she wants. Fuzzy back and all. 

I didn't read the books. I did see the movie; didn't find it particularly tantalizing. When my husband and I first met, we became acquainted with one another physically with long sessions of foreplay. We're now old and need more sleep haha. But there was a lot to be said for those basics... blindfolds, icecubes, tracing the body with a rose, tongues, restraining the wrists, verbal commands, games to tease. I shared my fantasies. In recent years, he let me into his fantasy world more too. It was a privilege when he did. It wasn't easy for him to admit a particular fantasy turn-on. He shared the circumstance that it became his fantasy. I've cherished having further insight into who he is and being able to share in this together. Your wife no doubt feels a lot of trust in you.

As for being 'assertive', I know exactly what it means when my husband calls me from the shower with his no nonsense voice and tells me, 'Go get the honey'. ....Oh beHAVE! Of course I don't respond with my Austin Powers imitation, and instead just do as he tells me. And, it turns us both on.

You already sound further down the path than a newbie. Have fun with it. A swing? Just make sure one of you is strapped in tight. Safety first and all that jazz.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Minor update--we discussed interests, etc the other evening. Pain and humiliation are out, thank God. Bondage, rough sex and possibly a sex swing are on the menu. The swing is sitting in my Amazon wishlist. It's going to have to wait until after summer vacation


I bought my husband a Boy Scout kit that taught various rope tying techniques as a big hint about what I like!

Yes Fozzy your wife is the classic good girl who can let herself totally free to enjoy and participate in sex when she is being "forced" into it. If she is tied up, she has no choice but to submit and enjoy. If she is being dominated and ordered to blow you, she has no choice but to submit and annoy it.

My H still has a hard time ordering me to touch him or blow him. I've told him that being order to do this turns me on like crazy, but it is a little hump he has to get over. It would be the same for me if he wanted me to order him to go down on me, so I understand his hesitance.

Sex swing...I've got one and it's fantastic! When you get it, hang it up and have her get on so you two can get the straps adjusted correctly. Do this when you're not having sex. It takes some adjustments on all four straps to get it to the right height on her bottom (the actual seat of the swing) and the right height for her legs and arms. That way when you bring it out for sex, it's already adjusted and just right.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I bought my husband a Boy Scout kit that taught various rope tying techniques as a big hint about what I like!
> 
> Yes Fozzy your wife is the classic good girl who can let herself totally free to enjoy and participate in sex when she is being "forced" into it. If she is tied up, she has no choice but to submit and enjoy. If she is being dominated and ordered to blow you, she has no choice but to submit and annoy it.
> *
> ...


Yeah, this in particular will be difficult for me. Ordering her to do something I know she enjoys is easy. She's never been one to voluntarily go down on me though on her own. I've always internalized this as her not enjoying it. Recently she's told me that she doesn't have anything against it, but it's difficult to reconcile that with the years and years that it never actually happened.

It's like--really? You don't have anything against it NOW, but it sure didn't seem that way for the last 15 years. 

It makes it hard to "force" her into it because it's hard to make myself believe she doesn't hate it. The thought of forcing her into doing something that she might not want to do makes me kind of ill.

My issue to get over--I know.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy, I totally get that. I think when it comes to oral sex, both men and women come to the table, or bed, with the same kind of insecurity. Although I believe it to be much more common in women, because we've got that love hate relationship with our vaginas. We love it but the damn mess and pain every freaking month...hate it!

My thoughts for men would be to understand that although the good girl's response to giving a blow job at first may be uncomfortable, it is something that totally improves with time. I know when I was first married and giving BJ's it was not enjoyable. But now, it totally turns me on. I suspect your wife is the same. She may not be able to bring herself to dive at your trousers, but given encouragement she probably enjoys the eroticism of the moment.

Also, as I've mentioned in a thread a few months ago, I don't always give BJs to completion because I WANT that erection to go somewhere else. Your wife may feel the same. In the absence of clear communication, she may hesitate to go down on her own because she doesn't know how to tell you she wants your erection for a specific place, she doesn't know where the point of no return is for you, she doesn't know how to tell you that giving a BJ, while it is a turn on, is not the only stimulation she needs to be as aroused as she needs to be... Lots of places for mixed signals.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

When we were browsing the A to Z at fetlife, she amused herself for a while looking at stuff that was WAY outside of both of our comfort zones. Finally it was time to get down to brass tacks, so I told her to pick out 5 things off the "most popular" list that seemed interesting to her. BJ's was on her list. I almost fell out of my chair.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There ya go!


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

Anon, 


I almost missed this altogether... I am RFLMAO... (regarding the bat light)

I hope all has been well.

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

Fozzy,

I have followed this conversation from he beginning and you seem to be on the right track to me.

My lk didn't like giving me oral in the beginning of our relationship. There was a time, however, prior to our D/s when she actual orgasmed while performing on me. It is one of those moments that I will always remember.

My lk could offer some real insight and all I can do is speculate. 

I believe that lk used to be hung up on what society instills would be a good girls behavior. The realization that our sex is monogamous and between only us, husband and wife, has allowed her to enjoy our activities much more. My point is that she may not have minded the act of fellatio in the past but maybe it was the guilt or the feeling of being lesser of a woman while performing the act the was her real hang up.

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

husDOM said:


> Fozzy,
> 
> I have followed this conversation from he beginning and you seem to be on the right track to me.
> 
> ...



Mr Fox, thank you so much for appearing! Your help and advice is, as always, spot on!


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

husDOM said:


> Fozzy,
> 
> There was a time, however, prior to our D/s when she actual orgasmed while performing on me. It is one of those moments that I will always remember.


Ok, this I need to know more about. How? She orgasmed without either one of you touching her?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Totally possible. Pretty common for guys anyway to have....er....nocturnal emissions from a dream. If it can happen while you're asleep why can't it happen while you're awake?

The brain can be a huge impediment for some women trying to orgasm, so it stands to reason that it can be a huge booster too.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I've heard lots of stories from women about having a dancegasm. That's when you are on the dance floor in usual frame (there's no genitals touching anything) and having an O from the pure rush of the experience.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I've heard lots of stories from women about having a dancegasm. That's when you are on the dance floor in usual frame (there's no genitals touching anything) and having an O from the pure rush of the experience.


:surprise:- I would never stop dancing!


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Yeah, this in particular will be difficult for me. Ordering her to do something I know she enjoys is easy. She's never been one to voluntarily go down on me though on her own. I've always internalized this as her not enjoying it. Recently she's told me that she doesn't have anything against it, but it's difficult to reconcile that with the years and years that it never actually happened.
> 
> It's like--really? You don't have anything against it NOW, but it sure didn't seem that way for the last 15 years.
> 
> ...


You realise this is your issue to get over, and she told you she doesn't have anything against it. So moving forward is the only issue. Again her safe word and small steps are the keys, eg
order her to kiss ...
next
order her to lick ...
next 
order her to open her mouth and you insert once
next
order a bj and maybe say you are going to finish with PIV, in case she is worried about missing out.
Each 'next' can be a few seconds, minutes, or between entire d/s sessions. Each 'next' gives you a chance to verify that she is still ok. 
Remember she has a safe word, so if she hates something she can stop it.

I am amazed at how quickly you two have progressed. Congratulations.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

@Bugged

That's a really interesting question, and one I'm not really sure how to answer. I get enjoyment from giving my wife enjoyment. I do not enjoy ordering her around for it's own sake. If she wants to be ordered to do something that she enjoys, and that amplifies the experience for her, I'll gladly do that for her. I would never order her to do anything that she didn't want to do.

For myself, I don't get any direct pleasure from it. More of an indirect pleasure knowing that she's enjoying it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

She likely doesn't know for sure what she likes, either. She is exploring with you.

I think the whole dom-man thing is sort of just a default for some women, if they aren't very clear themselves on what they like, they will default to what they have seen or read. And the dom-man thing is just sort of the "main" thing that is offered to women as far as erotica and other messages and images. If she hasn't had any specific urges, she will most likely just take that default idea that has been offered to her. I actually think a lot of men get the same sort of thing....they are offered porn or stories when they are youngish, and they then build fantasies around it. 

What would we all like sexually if there were no examples given to us? It's hard to know what is authentically ours when we've all had our ideas shaped by the sex industry and the media.

For me, it isn't the dominance or dom thing that I like. It is simply rough play and wild, crazy fun. This can take many forms. When I was younger, I was lucky that I didn't have a lot of images or ideas in my head from erotica or porn, so I was able to sort of find my own way without being influenced by the ideas of other people. Not even by other lovers. I was in the dark for a long time, but knew I was highly sexual. I just didn't know how to go about having the kind of fun sex I wanted. 

Though I was still influenced enough that the only rough idea I had was something like a dominant man thing, only all I wanted was the spankings. I had no draw toward being actually dominated, but I hadn't seen or been shown anything that was just rough and sexy and spankings and playful. It always had some dom element to it. So I did end up trying to play out that kind of scene, but it never really made me feel that happy sexy thing I was trying to get to.

I'm glad my husband can really play at any type of sexy game, so I could test out a lot of things. I found I do like degradation at some level, but not the type that is normally portrayed in porn. "You're a bad naughty thing, so XXX my XXX now!" is and was fun...but not if there was any actual element of him thinking I really am that. It has to be truly just play, not some kind of "you really are bad and need to be punished". I don't need or want to be punished or degraded. But I like the uplifting, fun, teasing type of language that he can pull on. He never really means any of it and I never pretend to actually need a spanking or to be told I'm a naughty sl*t. I hope that makes sense...it is more like playground chasing and pigtail pulling than anything else. That fun feeling of just being energetic and trying to capture each other...back when we were so young, we didn't even know what we wanted to do with each other once captured. 

And the spankings...they are really really fun, but they are not tied to punishment or him holding authority over me or anything like that. In fact, I can spank him, too. It doesn't actually "mean anything", it is just a way to make our bodies alive and we both like a little pain. Not to be delivered as a punishment but as just a fun thing we both enjoy.

If my husband wanted me to tie him up and dominate him (he doesn't but), I could pull that off sometimes and it would be fun. But it would be an entire act, in no way would it be a real thing we were working out sexually. If he wanted it all the time, I wouldn't be with him as that just isn't my thing. The same goes for him...if my thing was to be truly dominated and punished, he just wouldn't be with me because he isn't that. He wants a woman who wants sex, not wants to be dominated and forced to do things she isn't comfortable doing on her own.

Anyway just keep all of this in mind, because your wife probably doesn't know exactly what she is doing or wanting right now...and just because she may lean toward the only examples we typically see in erotica and porn doesn't mean that's her real baseline. She just doesn't know yet and will try out a few things.

I hope that you get what you would really like out of this stuff, too. Or if you don't actually know for sure either, I hope you find your way and don't pigeon hole yourself even if something sounds like fun. We can all switch things up. I really don't think it is normal or natural to be all dom, all the time, or all sub, all the time. Some people truly ARE, and I am not downplaying those who are. I'm just saying, we don't really know for sure until we've been free enough to actually try a lot of different things with a trusted and open minded partner.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> @*Bugged*
> 
> That's a really interesting question, and one I'm not really sure how to answer. I get enjoyment from giving my wife enjoyment. I do not enjoy ordering her around for it's own sake. If she wants to be ordered to do something that she enjoys, and that amplifies the experience for her, I'll gladly do that for her. I would never order her to do anything that she didn't want to do.
> 
> For myself, I don't get any direct pleasure from it. More of an indirect pleasure knowing that she's enjoying it.


What do you mean with "you're not sure how to answer". Your answer was perfect.

Focus on making her happy. If you make her happy, she will make you happy. And keep listening to her. 

D/S is ordering someone to do something that they want to do anyway. This is where you can safely play. And this is where you already are.

Sadism is ordering someone to do something they don't want to do. Some people want that. I don't see how you can ever know someone wants to be forced to do what they don't want. The danger is people can mistakenly end up there after 50 shades etc, and get hurt.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> She likely doesn't know for sure what she likes, either. She is exploring with you.
> 
> I think the whole dom-man thing is sort of just a default for some women, if they aren't very clear themselves on what they like, they will default to what they have seen or read. And the dom-man thing is just sort of the "main" thing that is offered to women as far as erotica and other messages and images. If she hasn't had any specific urges, she will most likely just take that default idea that has been offered to her. I actually think a lot of men get the same sort of thing....they are offered porn or stories when they are youngish, and they then build fantasies around it.
> 
> ...


This all makes a lot of sense, and I agree neither of us know exactly what we want with this as far as what flavor of lifestyle etc. I tend to think it's more along the lines of what you've described--playfulness, a little rough stuff, etc. Also, this is entirely confined to the bedroom. We're not trying anything as a 24/7 lifestyle. I don't think either of us want that.

As far as getting what I want out of it--in a pretty major way I already am. I have my wife back in the sack!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I agree, I don't think your wife knows for sure what she wants from you except an overall attitude change regarding sex.


I think, Fozzy, that going through a period of sexlessness can cause your approach to sex to become hesitant, tentative, and nearly passive. Like reaching out your hand as you shy away with your head and close your eyes waiting for the snarl and bite to occur. Okay, maybe not THAT hesitant, but you get the idea.

Adopting bedroom domination is a way to completely exclude the old habits of a passive approach to sex due to a pattern of rejection. If/when you're dominant she always responds, you become adapted to the new pattern of acceptance, rather than rejection, your dominant approach is rewarded while your passive approach falls by the wayside.

Over at Husdom.com there are a series of blog posts about "Feeding Your Submissive" and these, to me, are solid gold in terms of setting the stage for dominant sexual behavior long before you enter the bedroom. The things Mr Fox writes that feed his submissive (lk) get sex on the brain and excitement building. Much the same way that Faithful Wife talks about how her husband is always calling attention to their sexual relationship in various ways that help her (not that she particularly needs help) keep sex on her brain through out the day.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ok, so she has hard time to do BJ from her own inititive, but will happily oblige and will be thrilled to do it when ordered by you. And you are getting your pleasure from seeing her enjoying herself. I guess you don't have a choice here


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

- I would never stop dancing!


Lmao


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Over at Husdom.com there are a series of blog posts about "Feeding Your Submissive" and these, to me, are solid gold in terms of setting the stage for dominant sexual behavior long before you enter the bedroom. The things Mr Fox writes that feed his submissive (lk) get sex on the brain and excitement building. Much the same way that Faithful Wife talks about how her husband is always calling attention to their sexual relationship in various ways that help her (not that she particularly needs help) keep sex on her brain through out the day.[/QUOTE
> 
> Thank you for the kind accolades...


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

husDOM said:


> Anon Pink said:
> 
> 
> > Over at Husdom.com there are a series of blog posts about "Feeding Your Submissive" and these, to me, are solid gold in terms of setting the stage for dominant sexual behavior long before you enter the bedroom. The things Mr Fox writes that feed his submissive (lk) get sex on the brain and excitement building. Much the same way that Faithful Wife talks about how her husband is always calling attention to their sexual relationship in various ways that help her (not that she particularly needs help) keep sex on her brain through out the day.
> ...


And well earned. I'm on there too and am learning a lot from the blog and forums.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

fozzie. this thread is so uplifting. many here think I get off on the doom in CWI. I don't. it's that I've just gotten so good at the tech end of breaking up affairs. someone has to do it.

blah blah blah. my point is. keep it up. so much despair here needs a counterbalance thread like this. congrats and thanks for a thread where the marriage gets to win.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I feel good about it. Even if she comes to me next week and says "You know what? I changed my mind. I'm good with plain old vanilla" I'll be happy with that, because the fact that she was comfortable enough to even entertain the idea is a step in the right direction.


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

DayOne said:


> And well earned. I'm on there too and am learning a lot from the blog and forums.


Thank you... I look forward to chatting with you Sir...

Best wishes, 

Mr Fox


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Ok Fozzy I need some good news and this is probably the most hopeful thread for good news. So how are things going now? 

Just general terms are fine, eg "happily exploring", or she said "You know what? I changed my mind. I'm good with plain old vanilla".

No need for sordid details, unless you want to...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

We've had a rough couple of months actually. The relationship has been good but we've been dealing with a lot of family drama. Sex basically came to a standstill for several weeks. Part of it has just been exhaustion on both our parts. Part of it is my own waning drive that I'm dealing with.

We connected Saturday which was nice, and she actually initiated late Monday night which is quite rare. Ironically enough I just wasn't able to muster the troops. Again, partially because I was dead tired, but my body just isn't able to cold-start as easily these days.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Well that wasn't exactly the good news I was fishing for, still "misery shared is misery halved" or whatever.

Sort of describes my situation too. We took our only child off to university 1000km away. Both my wife and I miss her badly and sex has dropped down the priority list. Still it will be return. The promise of a second honeymoon after our daughter leaves is still pending.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'm not terribly worried at this point. The relationship is as good as it's ever been, and in many ways better. We're more open and frank with each other than at any point I can remember, which for me is better than sex a lot of times. I do still struggle with old feelings that try to crop up from time to time, but it's getting easier to squash them .


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

*Update to update*.

Wife initiated again last night. Twice.

It's like a switch got flipped.

Tired this morning.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Happy Happy. Joy Joy.

I love seeing the occasional win.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

:smthumbup:




Fozzy said:


> *Update to update*.
> 
> Wife initiated again last night. Twice.
> 
> ...


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Great news. Though when you can say "The relationship is as good as it's ever been, and in many ways better.", then I expect it was great before too.

So I picked the best place to fish for good news, just asked a couple of days early.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,

There has always been love. And trust. As you are now seeing there's a big difference between:

'standard' trust: which is the absence of deceit
and
'premium' trust: which is deep transparency 

It took M2 and me 22/23 years to get to deep transparency. That was due to my ummm - limitations. Not hers. 

And I agree, there's nothing like it. 





Fozzy said:


> I'm not terribly worried at this point. The relationship is as good as it's ever been, and in many ways better. We're more open and frank with each other than at any point I can remember, which for me is better than sex a lot of times. I do still struggle with old feelings that try to crop up from time to time, but it's getting easier to squash them .


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> *Update to update*.
> 
> Wife initiated again last night. Twice.
> 
> ...


Yeah Fozzy!!!

I told you getting you back waxed would make all the difference.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Fozzy,
> 
> There has always been love. And trust. As you are now seeing there's a big difference between:
> 
> ...



MEM you do have a way with boiling down a concept to the least words needed.

Premium trust. It really is worth the extra calories.


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