# Need feedback:30 year marriage going down the tubes.



## Sunshine Dude (May 20, 2013)

Hi all,

Would like any sound feedback/advice. My wife and I have had some up and downs over the duration. Monday-Friday I work in another city two hours away. This has been the situation for the last five years.

Last five months or so things are becoming off. Since January of this year, she has lost over 40lbs and excercises daily due to a health scare, which is great that she is getting healthier. Lately when I arrive home on Friday, she seems uninterested in my arrival (not that I expect her to down up and down) puts me on the back burner.

I miss my wife and family so much during the week and cannot wait to return home, but when I get a 'what are you doing here' sort of attitude...it hurts.

I tell her my feelings. She seems to pass it off,laugh or think I am over reacting. Rejection is awful and it is becoming worse. I always am the one over the years to suggest activities for us to do and usually get shot down. She will do only what she wants if at all. 

I have at time become upset and can some some stupid things. I guess it's that I hurt so much at the moment I want her to hurt as well. I have suggested we attend church and other groups but to no avail. This is now affecting my job and daily life. I am at my wits end.

Hope this makes some sense. Appreciate any insight. Thanks!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Marriages thrive on togetherness, and wither when time is spent apart.

It goes like this: you are unable to meet each other's emotional needs, so the feelings of love diminish... That opens the door for another person to get involved in your marriage and start meeting her emotional needs.

The first question is what will it take to create a marriage and family where you are all living together?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What are the chances of you getting a job in the city your wife lives in? Or in her joining you? 

Long distance relationships are tough. And you've been doing it for 5 years. 

Have you done any checking to make sure she hasn't found someone else to entertain her while you're gone?

C


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I agree with the others here. You need to be together more often. She's alone 20-22 days out of a month. Think about that.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with everything that's been said, and I also think it sounds like she is entering into affair territory.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Time to do a little checking to see if there's someone else following her void

Look at your cell phone bill online and see if there's a lot of calls/texts to 1 or 2 numbers you don't recognize

Does she text a lot when you're home on the weekends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunshine Dude (May 20, 2013)

Our daughter lives at home. Our son and DIL live a few minutes away. If she texts, it to our kids and or family. I highly doubt at this time their is 'anyone else'. She works full time and when I do call, her location can be validated. 

Crazy, here I am away from home, alone. Have a company provided apartment. I could easlily find 'someone else' but I do not want to move into that direction at all.


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## Sunshine Dude (May 20, 2013)

Btw-I have been looking for a local position jobwise.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Sunshine Dude said:


> Our daughter lives at home. Our son and DIL live a few minutes away. If she texts, it to our kids and or family. I highly doubt at this time their is 'anyone else'. She works full time and when I do call, her location can be validated.
> 
> Crazy, here I am away from home, alone. Have a company provided apartment. I could easlily find 'someone else' but I do not want to move into that direction at all.


Maybe you don't, but she's content with living like a single woman.

Also, 99% of the spouses that found out their husband or wife was having an affair said the same things you just did. Her behavior is strongly pointing to the possibility. You aren't home, you don't know WHAT she's doing 100% of the time.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She's out exercising to make herself look better. I guarantee you it's getting her a ton of attention - including from men who are happy to capitalize on the fact that you're gone so much. She's hearing, "An attractive woman like you deserves a lot more attention than you're getting" or some variation of this on a regular basis. 

It doesn't matter that a health scare is what prompted the exercising. What matters is that the results are producing a side effect that's hurting your marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to have togetherness in order to have marriage.

Why can't you, your wife, your minor children all live together?

Here are the scenarios: 

In your current working city, you all live together
In your home city, you all live together

In moving, your minor children will move schools, but a family is more important than a school.
In moving, you may have less money, but family is more fun and fulfilling than finances.

Why are you not together? That is the question everyone is asking.

And, you should ASSUME that she could cheat, in making your judgements about what is most important to you.... The world is full of cheaters who would never cheat.


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## Sunshine Dude (May 20, 2013)

Within the first six months with my current employer, I was asked to travel a couple days a week to handle business. The next year, business grew, the money was great. It has been a M-F situation since.

I was able to come home on Wednesday nights and head back. That ended earlier this year. Also, I am currently looking for a suitable position in our hometown. Btw-our daughter is an adult going to school.


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## Sunshine Dude (May 20, 2013)

Only change is what I have already mentioned. Her weight loss is progressing. Seventy more pounds to her goal.

In addition, I went though a major weight loss almost seven years ago and never used it against her.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Sunshine Dude said:


> Our daughter lives at home. Our son and DIL live a few minutes away. If she texts, it to our kids and or family. I highly doubt at this time their is 'anyone else'. She works full time and when I do call, her location can be validated.
> 
> Crazy, here I am away from home, alone. Have a company provided apartment. I could easlily find 'someone else' but I do not want to move into that direction at all.


So, you're not going to take the measly 5 minutes to log into your phone account on the internet and check her calling/texting records?

Nobody should be that confident.


At home by herself M-F
Has recently lost 40 pounds and gotten in shape
Has become distant and indifferent towards her husband

Nothing to see here; move along; nothing to see here.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

All I can say is if you don't find a way to be together, your marriage will continue to go downhill.

You can't fix this problem as your marriage is currently set up.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Make your marriage the # priority. 

If I were you. I would drive two hours each way to work and back while I looked for another job.

I held a job that averaged 1.5 to 1.45 hours of travel each day. So 2 hours for a short time. I would do that.

But I would explore other options too.

Your choice. You may already be a winner.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry this must hurt you terribly.

She has emotionally disconnected from you. Your absence M-F has forced/allowed her to make her own life without you playing a major daily role.

Getting in shape and loosing that much weight, in such an emotionally disconnected context, is a major red flag for either a husband or a wife. It's a great thing she is getting healthy, but you want to be the only guy she is looking to impress.

I agree with everyone's advice, get thee home on a daily basis. At least while you two work together to reestablish your connection to each other. Spend significant time with her, doing things you both enjoy. Make plans to get away for a weekend as often as possible. This will really help her to focus on you and not you plus everything else going on in the house. Do new things together, take dance classes or golf lessons.

Good luck!


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## Sunshine Dude (May 20, 2013)

The daily driving is out since I drive a large company vehicle and gas is over the top. We went to an out of town wedding this last weekend. When we arrived at the church to sit down, she was initailly a few folks ahead of mean until I was asked if we were sitting together. We went to the reception together but when we sat with family and friends, she was sitting away from me. Same thing at a graduation party the week before. When we arrived home the next day, she went into another room to relax and watch TV. I did say that even if I had a "normal" job in town, these events could be offensive. Being that I am gone most weeks, it is highly offensive and it hurts. I did become angry (again) when she seemed not to discuss it and said I need medication to even my personality. I will add that at events, she did no flirting with anyone whatsoever.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Sunshine Dude said:


> She seems uninterested in my arrival (not that I expect her to down up and down) puts me on the back burner.
> 
> I tell her my feelings. She seems to pass it off,laugh or think I am over reacting. Rejection is awful and it is becoming worse. I always am the one over the years to suggest activities for us to do and usually get shot down. She will do only what she wants if at all.
> 
> ...


Not sure, most here is going to jump to infidelity wagon. While we can only speculate on further details here's what I hear;

Married LONG time (likely to mother of your 2 adult kids) but lately you feel disconnected. You have got confused, angry, and are sad. You lash out, but do not know how to change your situation. You are not sure how you got here.

Let me say that you need to start with baby steps. She does need a wake up call. Maybe you can be too unstable for your wife, but have you come out and asked her to communicate? Have you asked for MC? Have you talked to your kids about situation (not happy w/ marriage b/c not close any longer)? 

I think your kids will be a wealth of info here. They have a vested interest in keeping mom & dad together. At least I hope they do. I think even if MC is rejected you need some IC to figure out where you two went wrong. I love Peter Gabriel's music & keep thinking of the song "Digging in the dirt", it's done to find the places you got hurt... You can not over-come you history until you start to face it head-on. I hope your marriage improves, but keep you spirit up & remember LIFE IS GOOD! Good Luck!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You are convinced that she is not interested in another man. She tells you that nothing is wrong.

Until something more is established I would start working on your self to get into a position to not need her as much for your emotional support. *I know that is not ideal but what choice do you have?*

You want more togetherness and she likes things the way they are. You will have to move in the direction of adjusting your expectations and become more self sufficient for now.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sunshine, you need to quit blowing sunshine up your own ass and put some surveillance in place. You should use a PI, but if you don't have the dough, GPS her wheels and put a VAR on the bottom of her car seat with velcro. Check the phone bill for strange numbers.

I use to live in a big city and drove 1.5 hours each way just to go 16 miles. If you aren't willing to find the truth of what's up, then you need to start commuting. If you're not an owner, the cost of gas in a company vehicle on company business is not your concern. Alternatively is to sell the house and move her out to you. I think we both know what will happen if you suggest that. In fact, suggest it and watch the show.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

BTW, when did she stop the sex?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

So she started loosing weight because of a health scare. Sometimes when people have an incident that causes them to reflect of their mortality, they look back on their life and re-assess it. How has your marriage been? Is there any unresolved issues she may have? If so, she may have decided that 30 years is enough.

So you tell us, have you been a good husband?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Sunshine Dude said:


> The daily driving is out since I drive a large company vehicle and gas is over the top. We went to an out of town wedding this last weekend. When we arrived at the church to sit down, she was initailly a few folks ahead of mean until I was asked if we were sitting together. We went to the reception together but when we sat with family and friends, she was sitting away from me. Same thing at a graduation party the week before. When we arrived home the next day, she went into another room to relax and watch TV. I did say that even if I had a "normal" job in town, these events could be offensive. Being that I am gone most weeks, it is highly offensive and it hurts. I did become angry (again) when she seemed not to discuss it and said I need medication to even my personality. I will add that at events, she did no flirting with anyone whatsoever.


You're not going to talk way out of this. What actions are you willing to take. Willing to quit your job? Commute? Take her with you during the week? Move the family out to the job location? Are you willing to do anything besides complain to her and complain to us?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Each time you lose your cool, your risking making that the last mistake of your marriage EVER.

Get yourself under control or your going to do some damage that you'll never recover from. Would you want to hang out with you when your acting that way? All you can control right now is you!!
Make the most of ever opportunity. You need to be positive, you need to give her reasons she would want to be/do things with you.

Ask her if she'd be interested in taking a dance class with you? If your away those days of work are you hitting a gym? Right now your making it easy for her to walk away. Change that.
Your marriage is in a rut, your wife is getting ready to check out, if she hasn't already. You have some work to do, its gonna be hard, its not gonna get fixed soon, and you need to be patient and diligent in your efforts. 

What your doing isn't working, right? So change your game plan. Try to be fun, playful, engaging, and ask questions about how she's doing. LISTEN to what she's saying, don't interrupt, don't solve any issues, let her vent. If you really listen, she'll be telling you what your issues are. I promise you don't have any more room for mistakes.

Sounds like you have some time when your away during the week. Grab some books and do some reading. Married man sex primer is one off the top of my head, im sure others will give you some too.

Good luck, keep it positive, and stay strong!!!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

She's still 70lb overweight so I doubt she's cheating.

You admitted being angry and harsh with her. She doesn't communicate and puts some distance between you at a party. And suggests you get some medication for your mood swings.

You aren't going to heal your marriage by being "mr mean guy". To me, anger and raging is scary and I want as far away from that as I can get!

I suggest you jump start SAFE communication with a marriage weekend such as Retrouvaille and do what she suggested- go to the doctor and get checked out about the mood swings and/or IC addressing the anger.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Blonde said:


> She's still 70lb overweight so I doubt she's cheating.


A fairly large percentage of my female clients drop out after they lose about 40% of their goal. The reason is that they are now able to get something going with a slightly higher ranked man than the one they are leaving. It's all relative. Even a small step up to us may be a big step up to them.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

At the very least, she is emotionally detaching from her husband, which does not portend well for the marriage. Long term, long distance relationships are usually not sustainable without real effort from both parties. There may or may not be an affair, but at the very least, she is probably mentally and physically preparing for her post-marriage single life.


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