# Emotional affair



## nec

Ok this really hurts to say but I am pretty sure my wife is having an emotional affair with one of her co workers. I noticed several months ago his name kept coming up in conversation. A alarm went off in my head, she knew his wife drinks alot she knew what sports his kids played things like that. 

Then there were alot of changes at her work and her and him had to spend attend meetings after hours. They were public type meetings and she encouraged me to attend. But now she has hired an assistant and is only required to attend one meeting but she has decided to keep attending the meeting that involves him. 

I snooped on her phone and ipad and saw alot of texts back and forth some that didnt show up on our phone bill its all very confusing. I have told her flat out I dont like it and she becomes very appologetic and attentive. She swears nothing is going on. She started deleting their texts and I confronted her about that and she says its to keep me from seeing them and reading more into them than there is. I guess the part that kills me and hurts me the most is she knows how it makes me feel and wont stop. I can put my foot down and demand it.... but I guess I want her to want to stop. we are in our middle forties and the thought of starting over is daunting. Not sure what I am looking for by posting this maby just to see if anyone else has gone thru this and how it worked out. I am not what you would call a whimp in fact I am the type to get in someones face but this has somehow taken the wind out of my sails....I guess when I have had enough I will take this guy apart and set her straight but for now I feel like I am lost....any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.


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## nec

oh yeah our 26th wedding anniversay is this week we are taking off a couple days to get away I will be curiouse to see if there is a "work" situation that he will have to call her about.


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## somethingelse

What kinds of texts did you see? Has she been acting strange since a certain point in time have you noticed? Is she looking more attractive lately? Dressing up more? 

You should get this moved to the Coping with Infidelity section..


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## TBT

nec said:


> She started deleting their texts and I confronted her about that and she says its to keep me from seeing them and reading more into them than there is..


She may as well be saying that there's something in them that's questionable.

Sorry that you find yourself here,and as already suggested you'll probably get more focused advice if you move this to the Coping With Infidelity forum.


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## F-102

If it is indeed an affair, her AP may have been caught doing this before, so he may be coaching your W on how NOT to get caught.


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## daisygirl 41

Sorry you are here.
EAs are dreadful things and can kill a marriage stone dead within weeks. My H had an EA with a co worker within 6 weeks of it starting out 17 year marriage was in pieces. 2 years later and we are reconciled but its been just awful.

You can't nice your wife out of her affair, you need to gather evidence, confront her and give her consequences for her actions. 
She needs to be held accountable.
Once you have you evidence you have to expose the OM to his wife or GF if he has one.
It will be a struggle. Your wife will be in the depths of her affair addiction, you'll get trickle truth, blameshifting, more lies, the lot. 
It's been going on for months you say? It could have already turned physical but that's not always the case.

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Give it to your wife to read.

You can't be wishy washy about this now. Confront her, stand by your evidence and don't back down!
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

Sorry you’re going through this. You are not alone, there are millions of us that have tread the same path as you.

I’ve been reading stories like yours since my own wife’s affair. After 18 months of reading and researching, I’ve learned there is a superior way to handle these situations.

You have to go nuclear.

Your wife is cheating on you. It may just be emotional, it is probably physical as well. Either way it’s just as damaging. You can not love your wife out of this mindset, and you can not DO anything to get her to stop. The way you get your wife back is by dropping the f*cking bomb on her life in a way that completely shatters her into reality.

How does this look? You write her a letter and drop it at her feet. Something to this effect:
“Honey, I love you, but I’m not going to share you. I’m willing to commit 100% to working on this marriage, I expect the same from you. I will not tolerate outside influences in our marriage. Decide what is more important to you now. You have till the end of the day to get back to me.”

Then that night, if she hasn’t committed to dropping all contact with this guy and radically altering her life to give you all assurances that this is over, you hand her D papers.

Either one of two things will happen: she’ll come to her senses, or you’re going to be getting divorced anyway and you’re saving yourself a lot of time and heartache along the way.

The only reason I would deviate from this advice is if you live in an at-fault state and by cheating you get out of alimony. In that case, I would play it cool and gather as much evidence of an affair as you can.

Do not argue with her, she is lying to you. There is absolutely no reason for a married woman to delete her texts if she has nothing to hide. No cheater has EVER fessed up to it when confronted. If you show her evidence, she’s just going to rationalize it away and make you sound stupid. Listen to us on TAM who have gone through this and seen it hundreds of times on this forum. Your story is not different, it reads like a script from a cheater’s manual. I know this is hard to accept, I have been in your shoes.

Regardless, your life is about to change. It’s going to be really hard for a while. Your life is going to get rocked. Just know that you WILL get through this, and if you allow it too, you can use this event to springboard your life into a much better place. Don’t short change your emotions. You’re losing your wife, allow yourself to grieve and be sad. It is healthy and normal and will speed your healing process.

Good luck buddy.


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## tulsy

nec said:


> oh yeah our 26th wedding anniversay is this week we are taking off a couple days to get away I will be curiouse to see if there is a "work" situation that he will have to call her about.


The same wife who cheated on you in 2003? So she's a serial cheater who is deleting texts so you can't read them....DUDE!!!!

Trust your gut...tell her if you catch her deleting messages or having private convo's with OM again, it's over. Stand up for yourself and be prepared to hear the speech.


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## somethingelse

Where's all the info? She cheated already before? Well there's your sign..


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## DvlsAdvc8

nec said:


> I am not what you would call a whimp in fact I am the type to get in someones face but this has somehow taken the wind out of my sails....I guess when I have had enough I will take this guy apart and set her straight but for now I feel like I am lost....any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.


Screw the wind, its time to crank the engines. Find the rage. You've been violated. Get in your wife's face about it.

Not being a wimp isn't about fighting the other guy. Its about being willing to stand-up for yourself. Being willing to get rid of your wife if she insists on hurting you.

Your arm is pinned beneath a rock. You can accept that you're pinned, move the rock, or cut off the limb. Its not about her or the other guy. Its all about you taking control of your life.


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## HollowKat

My advice is focus on the wife and don't worry about the OM at the moment because you'll be wasting time and probably reinforce their behavior more. Once you find proof, then expose it to her and anyone she knows (and if the OM is married, expose to his wife) Deleting texts is just a childish way of saying "I'm hiding the truth from you." A relationship is built on the foundation of trust, if you can't trust each other then what do you have? I seriously wish we could put all the cheaters on another planet and let them ruin their own lives instead of ruin the ones that stay faithful. Maybe then they will get the picture...


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## gbrad

HollowKat said:


> My advice is focus on the wife and don't worry about the OM at the moment because you'll be wasting time and probably reinforce their behavior more. Once you find proof, then expose it to her and anyone she knows (and if the OM is married, expose to his wife) Deleting texts is just a childish way of saying "I'm hiding the truth from you." A relationship is built on the foundation of trust, if you can't trust each other then what do you have? I seriously wish we could put all the cheaters on another planet and let them ruin their own lives instead of ruin the ones that stay faithful. Maybe then they will get the picture...


Put them on another planet so they can ruin their own lives. Wow, that is excessively harsh.


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## nec

thank you all so much I do take the advice to heart I know what appears to be coming......I guess Im just dreading it. I wish I would wake up tomorrow and it would all be over.....she would say OMG what have I done im so sorry but my guess is that wont happen....right now Im not mad or hurt....Im numb???


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## Nsweet

Whoa!? 

What's all this about gathering evidence and having *nec * confront *nec*'s wife? She's not the one who's going to stop the affair. She's not going to rethink her actions and decide to recommit to marriage if you show her evidence or be more loving and understanding. She's just going to either deny, cry, blame-shift this as being your fault, withdraw, or give you the illusion of a false reconciliation until you drop your guard. 

Understand this, you cannot love her into coming back to you if she doesn't want to be with you. Everyone who tells you to spend more time together with her, be more patient, more understanding, and more committed to her *DOES NOT* have your best interest in mind. You do any of this and you're just going to give her the ego boost she needs and enable her to keep seeing him while she resents you for loving her. And why would you be loving to a woman who's emotionally abusing you, withholding secrets, and cheating on you?

There's only two ways you're going to stop their affair..... Either you do something to show her you're not going to be with her anymore if she's going to cheat, ie move out and file for divorce as soon as freakin' possible to pull the rug from under her and force her into reality OR alternatively you could start dating. Cheaters can't stand the thought of their faithful plan B leaving them, cheater's are selfish SOBs. 
But I have to warn you dating to make her jealous won't work and if she's riding high on the honeymoon rollercoaster she's still going to cheat and tell him all of her problems. 

The other option is for you do something to ruin their fun like gather your evidence, hiring a PI to take pics, and sending everything you can to her HR department anonymously. If her job has a "no office romances" policy, and neither one of them are one of the popular untouchable workers, then it's they're either get black listed or fired. More than likely it will be him because she can always cry and beg for his job, him... not so much. 

Now this is all what if scenarios here, but you should pay attention to the rules about affairs on this board. Pulling away and acting happy only works in the hopes that they will notice and feel the fear of loss GRADUALLY. There's no guarantee that after months of not being around emotionally she's going to wake up and miss you because she's already waking up with OM on her minds. 

That's why you need to *ATTACK HER SUPPORT* and let her job find out and spread this juicy secret by word of mouth. Believe me once her higher ups find out they're not going to keep it a secret.... because if she's open for affair in the office she's wide open for sexual harassment from any guy who thinks he has a shot. That's a liability for the company!

If were you and dealing with this again, and I've already been there before. I would just cut my losses and divorce her as quickly as possible so I could find someone better to finish the happier ever after. I'm not going to tell you to divorce her if you are really committed to making this marriage work, but let's face it. She's already cheated on you God knows how many times off and on with this guy for however long she's been working there. She doesn't respect you or your inteligence not to know what's going on put the pieces together before she can think up a dumbass lie. 

And worst of all I bet you anything she's told the OM some kind of bullsh!t lie about how abusive or neglectful you are in order to play the victim in all of this and have him "rescue" her from you.... It's something every cheater does so they can pretend it's not their fault they like having sex with another person and can't resolve their issues at home with a few damn google searches and a hour away from facebook. I wasn't before but now I'm pissed I have no respect for cheaters, either get a divorce or f*cking read a book you childish losers.


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## HollowKat

Yea the planet thing does seem excessive but its just a thought haha. Misery loves company. I suggested exposing because nec should always have the upper hand. Exposing and showing he wants to try to make the marriage work will make him the better man. If tht doesnt work and she's still in the fog, he can kick her out or he can move out (depending on circumstances) and do the 180 plan. Then if she still doesn't remorse (not just regret) and rebuild trust then proceed for separation and then divorce. If he plays his cards right, he will give himself TONS of self-esteem, self-respect, and move on to much better things in life. Don't take this as a cookie cutter advice but more as a quick playbook. I wouldnt suggest dating other women because that might get you in a situation that makes you look bad and may be used against you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad

And I could never understand or agree with the idea of jeopardizing somebodies job with the exposing of an affair. And spreading rumors at someones work place about a potential affair or even a real affair to get it to be known, to me seems childish and irresponsible. You want to risk the marriage and the persons career all at the same time. You don't want to add more stresses in a situation like that. The marriage issues are enough to handle and deal with, job stress doesn't need to be added to it.


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## somethingelse

gbrad said:


> And I could never understand or agree with the idea of jeopardizing somebodies job with the exposing of an affair. And spreading rumors at someones work place about a potential affair or even a real affair to get it to be known, to me seems childish and irresponsible. You want to risk the marriage and the persons career all at the same time. You don't want to add more stresses in a situation like that. The marriage issues are enough to handle and deal with, job stress doesn't need to be added to it.


I think when people say that, it's meant for when the OM or OW work in the same place as the WW or WH. 

I did that once just out of instinct when I found out my H was sleeping with my co-worker. I exposed her to the entire workplace. She scorned me that whole day, but at the end of the day, I got her fired because I refused to work there if she was employed. Not totally the same situation, but similar.

I especially wouldn't want my H working with an OW. Too much risk there, and no comfort. In that situation I would just tell my H to choose what he wants...to quit his job and find a new one, or I would expose the affair and see who wants to go first him or his OW.


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## Nsweet

Husband Sues Wife's Lover Over Stolen Affection - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com


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## gbrad

somethingelse said:


> I think when people say that, it's meant for when the OM or OW work in the same place as the WW or WH.
> 
> I did that once just out of instinct when I found out my H was sleeping with my co-worker. I exposed her to the entire workplace. She scorned me that whole day, but at the end of the day, I got her fired because I refused to work there if she was employed. Not totally the same situation, but similar.
> 
> I especially wouldn't want my H working with an OW. Too much risk there, and no comfort. In that situation I would just tell my H to choose what he wants...to quit his job and find a new one, or I would expose the affair and see who wants to go first him or his OW.


I understand that people say that when the spouse works with the other person. Still doesn't make it right. You don't screw with someones career because of it. I get the idea of asking your spouse to leave their job. I don't think it is smart to tell them to quit immediately. You can ask them to look for a new job and when they find it, then quit their other one. But financially its not wise to just up and quit without a plan or to potentially sabotage the career of two people. 
I also don't understand why the person who slept with your husband had to be fired unless they were someone who worked under you.


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## Nsweet

Are you serious gbrad? Have you been cheated on yourself? 

Asking either one of them to quit their job because of this affair, or asking your wife to "pwetty pwease consider your fweelings" is not going to work. They're being selfish, they don't care about the consequences of an affair. If they did they wouldn't start one to begin with. All of this "consider her feelings" crap is what you would expect from a well meaning but uninformed marriage counselor who tells whatever you want to hear so you'll keep coming back for more bad advice. 

The only way you're going to get a cheating spouse to respect you again is to stand up for yourself and stop enabling them to cheat and still have you around when they need the comfort and support of a house, a paycheck, and shoulder to cry on. If nec were to expose their affair tomorrow she would take notice and pitch a fit, but she would finally respect him for telling her "Enough is enough!".


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## somethingelse

gbrad said:


> I understand that people say that when the spouse works with the other person. Still doesn't make it right. You don't screw with someones career because of it. I get the idea of asking your spouse to leave their job. I don't think it is smart to tell them to quit immediately. You can ask them to look for a new job and when they find it, then quit their other one. But financially its not wise to just up and quit without a plan or to potentially sabotage the career of two people.
> I also don't understand why the person who slept with your husband had to be fired unless they were someone who worked under you.


Ok.so hypothetically speaking,

You would be ok if your W spent one more minute around the OM while they worked in the same building after you exposed the A? Even though your W knew the full repercussions of having an A with a co-worker being that she is an adult woman? 

And another question, do you think I want to work face to face with some OW who I kindly let sleep in my house for a few nights to help her out, and she screwed my H in return? Really? 
But I'm the cow for wanting to keep the job I worked years for seniority, without having to watch her face scowl at me like I'm the bad person?


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## gbrad

Nsweet said:


> Are you serious gbrad? Have you been cheated on yourself?
> 
> Asking either one of them to quit their job because of this affair, or asking your wife to "pwetty pwease consider your fweelings" is not going to work. They're being selfish, they don't care about the consequences of an affair. If they did they wouldn't start one to begin with. All of this "consider her feelings" crap is what you would expect from a well meaning but uninformed marriage counselor who tells whatever you want to hear so you'll keep coming back for more bad advice.
> 
> The only way you're going to get a cheating spouse to respect you again is to stand up for yourself and stop enabling them to cheat and still have you around when they need the comfort and support of a house, a paycheck, and shoulder to cry on. If nec were to expose their affair tomorrow she would take notice and pitch a fit, but she would finally respect him for telling her "Enough is enough!".


I am not saying consider their feelings. I am saying consider financial situations. You don't go out and screw with someones financial situation intentionally. You don't do something that could make it so someone can't pay their bills, put a roof over their head, and food on the table. That is step one in this world for survival. You don't intentionally screw with that for someone else.


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## gbrad

somethingelse said:


> Ok.so hypothetically speaking,
> 
> You would be ok if your W spent one more minute around the OM while they worked in the same building after you exposed the A? Even though your W knew the full repercussions of having an A with a co-worker being that she is an adult woman?
> 
> *Would I be okay with it, no. But if that is what had to be done until she found another job, then that's a sacrifice I would have to deal with. I'm not going to say quit your job tomorrow so you are not around him. Look for another job yes. But I am going to be practical about it. *
> 
> And another question, do you think I want to work face to face with some OW who I kindly let sleep in my house for a few nights to help her out, and she screwed my H in return? Really?
> But I'm the cow for wanting to keep the job I worked years for seniority, without having to watch her face scowl at me like I'm the bad person?


I didn't say you wanted to work face to face with that person. But, because you have an emotional issue with them, doesn't mean that their financial life needs to be put in jeopardy.


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## somethingelse

gbrad said:


> I didn't say you wanted to work face to face with that person. But, because you have an emotional issue with them, doesn't mean that their financial life needs to be put in jeopardy.


I don't give a hoot about their financial stability. Do you think they gave a hoot about it knowing what they were up to? Risking all they had with their own partner and future? No...so why am I going to worry about the decisions THEY chose to make? I want to keep my job too, and being that I didn't do anything wrong except watch my co-worker rip my life from under me, I would say that I would like to keep the job that I have worked hard for, that I have worked at longer, and give my boss an ultimatum. I don't want to look at her ugly mug all day while she mocks me and knows she has had my man! Seriously??

You're speaking nonsense (in the kindest way I can say it)


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## Nsweet

When you get cheated on, screwed over, and left for another man/woman/plaything, you'll understand our argument. Nothing about being cheated on makes you want to play nice and consider their poor dear feelings when they've f*cked you over forever and made you feel like an ass for even caring in the first place. And them losing their job because they got caught is least of their worries. An pissed off spouse could just as equally kill one or both cheaters in a crime of passion.


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## somethingelse

Nsweet said:


> When you get cheated on, screwed over, and left for another man/woman/plaything, you'll understand our argument. Nothing about being cheated on makes you want to play nice and consider their poor dear feelings when they've f*cked you over forever and made you feel like an ass for even caring in the first place. And them losing their job because they got caught is least of their worries. An pissed off spouse could just as equally kill one or both cheaters in a crime of passion.


:iagree:

EXACTLY!! THANK YOU!! 

Crazy to say that I would want to be in the same room every day with OW, and possibly have to quit my well deserved job to prevent me from committing a crime


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## Nsweet

somethingelse said:


> :iagree:
> 
> EXACTLY!! THANK YOU!!
> 
> Crazy to say that I would want to be in the same room every day with OW, and possibly have to quit my well deserved job to prevent me from committing a crime


Committing a crime being the more direct route. A permanent soulution to a temporary problem, because affairs don't usually last for more than a few years before fizzling out.... But don't tell any cheater this, they like to think their relationship is special.:rofl:

God forbid the OW would get pregnant by your husband and then make sure EVERYBODY knows how hard it is for her and treats her extra special because of it. What do you do then? Keep your mouth shut and let her play the pity card into a promotion and a corperate collection for an affair child?


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## oceanbreeze

I suggest speaking about it with your wife. The world has approximately 6.5 billion people; maybe more, I dont know, but one thing's for sure with that much people there are loads of VDs/STDs/HIV (strands 1 and 2, that I know), etc. Aside from cheating and it's hurting issue, one must also think of health issues. Sure the excitement of that risk of being caught or the forbidden sounds fun (what I'm guessing from your wife if she is cheating), but in reality, just because of one unfaithful partner/husband/wife/gf/bf the other person could be infected. Problem is whether or not they wore prophylactics and they go home to their significant others and 'make love' pelvic diseases can still be spread such as HIV, genital warts, herpes, crabs, anything with open sores; stuff like that. 

It's time to go to your wife and address the issue. With cheating comes health concerns, financial (married or living together), family (if kids are present), religious beliefs, etc. I hope you have come to a concrete decision.

My ex-husband had cheated on me and I found out that it was multiple women and I was afraid. This was this supposedly high school sweet heart I trusted, but after that I immediately went to my personal physician the next day and informed him of everything and received regular blood work for 1.5 years every 6 months for any sign of diseases and of course pap smear. Everything was fine, but contracted STD after a culture was taken for pap smear so was given antibiotics for 10 days at 875 mgs twice a day. I hope this personal story helps you because it sounds like you doubt your instincts, need support, and are at a feeling of crisis and are not sure how to approach your wife. 

Simply, address the issue and make the next steps accordingly and legally.


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## COguy

I agree with nsweet on everything except you leaving the house. you didn't do anything wrong, make the cheater leave.


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## javawave

your story is basically identical to mine. The only thing that shocked her out of the relationship, 3 days after I had asked her to leave and she had, was telling her I was no longer keeping it secret. I needed to circle my friends and family to support me, I had done nothing wrong. The threat of exposing her "EA" to friends, family and yes.. co workers is what shocked her out of the fantasy she was living in.  We still struggle, I still have doubts and sleepless nights. But 5 months later she is still back home.


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## gbrad

Nsweet said:


> When you get cheated on, screwed over, and left for another man/woman/plaything, you'll understand our argument. Nothing about being cheated on makes you want to play nice and consider their poor dear feelings when they've f*cked you over forever and made you feel like an ass for even caring in the first place. And them losing their job because they got caught is least of their worries. An pissed off spouse could just as equally kill one or both cheaters in a crime of passion.


Because murder is okay. 
And again, I never said a thing about their "poor dear feelings". I am talking about another persons ability to have a life and support it financially. Putting food on the table and a roof over ones head are essential. To me, unless someone is sabotaging you at work and jeopardizing your ability to keep your job, you don't ever mess with someone elses ability to keep a job. That is just something that should never be done, regardless of your "poor dear feelings" that were hurt emotionally because of someone elses actions.


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## somethingelse

Nsweet said:


> Committing a crime being the more direct route. A permanent soulution to a temporary problem, because affairs don't usually last for more than a few years before fizzling out.... But don't tell any cheater this, they like to think their relationship is special.:rofl:
> 
> God forbid the OW would get pregnant by your husband and then make sure EVERYBODY knows how hard it is for her and treats her extra special because of it. What do you do then? Keep your mouth shut and let her play the pity card into a promotion and a corperate collection for an affair child?


Temporary is right :rofl: Not one woman has ever managed to take my place. Maybe, if there's a next time I should hand over my throne to the oh so lucky woman of choice? That would be about the only way that it MAY turn permanent...even then probably not

I would keep my mouth shut, sure if I was a sucker for money and that's ALL I cared about in life. I would go to work miserable every day, become depressed and watch my H's baby grow inside her belly and get sick every time I hear someone asking how far along she is, based on the route that gbrad wants me to take. OR, the alternate crappy route, which would be the only other option according to him; for ME to quit. Because God forbid I get someone fired because that person cheated with my H. 

It would be a no win situation for me. But do it my way....stand up for myself and "out" her to my boss, tell him it's her or me. I would say that is a fair way to do it. He chose me. Why? Because I'm more valuable. I left the choice up to him. If he didn't want to fire anyone, he would have told me to suck it up buttercup or leave. But he didn't.


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## somethingelse

gbrad said:


> Because murder is okay.
> And again, I never said a thing about their "poor dear feelings". I am talking about another persons ability to have a life and support it financially. Putting food on the table and a roof over ones head are essential. To me, unless someone is sabotaging you at work and jeopardizing your ability to keep your job, you don't ever mess with someone elses ability to keep a job. That is just something that should never be done, regardless of your "poor dear feelings" that were hurt emotionally because of someone elses actions.


gbrad.....ugh. Have you ever been cheated on? If so, by who?

Just so you know, there is no way ANYONE in their right mind is going to work with an OW or OM. Just not going to happen unless you are the type that is emotionally dead inside or a door mat. No matter what kind of money situation is going on. So it does become a matter of "Who goes"? me or this person who has destroyed my life? Hmmm...easy answer. Not out of spite, not out of hate (but two very understandable feelings). More so to keep ones sanity and to be able to heal wounds that have been cut.

I am the most forgiving person I have ever known. Literally. I'm way too forgiving. I have a serial cheater for an H. The forgiveness pours out of me. But allowing someone who used me to get to my H, lied to my face every day, and then sleeps with my H...allow that person to work with me or my H after the fact....not going to happen.


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## MaritimeGuy

How does one go about getting someone fired for having an emotional affair? Aren't you just going to look like a raving lunatic if you show up demanding a person be fired because they exchanged some texts with your spouse?

To me if your spouse is cheating you deal with your spouse. F any third parties. They're not worth your time and energy. 

Personally I like the idea of the ultimatum. Best case your spouse wakes up and dumps the third party to refocus on your marriage. Worst case you end up divorced but can hold your head high knowing you refused to bend on your principles.

When my now ex was cheating I made the mistake of trying to figure out precisely how far she had gone and 'win' her back. It's the one thing I did I'm not proud of. In hindsight once I saw the first sign I should have issued an ultimatum and followed through on it.


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## Nsweet

MaritimeGuy said:


> How does one go about getting someone fired for having an emotional affair? Aren't you just going to look like a raving lunatic if you show up demanding a person be fired because they exchanged some texts with your spouse?
> 
> To me if your spouse is cheating you deal with your spouse. F any third parties. They're not worth your time and energy.
> 
> Personally I like the idea of the ultimatum. Best case your spouse wakes up and dumps the third party to refocus on your marriage. Worst case you end up divorced but can hold your head high knowing you refused to bend on your principles.
> 
> When my now ex was cheating I made the mistake of trying to figure out precisely how far she had gone and 'win' her back. It's the one thing I did I'm not proud of. In hindsight once I saw the first sign I should have issued an ultimatum and followed through on it.


Oh yeah, trying to find out exactly how much your spouse cheated or figure out how you can win them back are two of biggest mistakes everyone makes. 

If you're spouse cheated physically or emotionally just assume the worst and cut the cord right then and there. There's no use in trying to make it work lowering your standards so you can make them happy again and meet their list of needs. Mission impossible because they don't know themselves, if the did they wouldn't be cheating. 

I've been reading these divorce stories day after day, dozens and dozens every day for years. The ones who are more likely to reconcile from affairs at 40 and midlife crisis situations are the ones where the betrayed spouse immediately drops their end of the tug-of-war rope and starts living life for themselves. This shakes up the cheater's reality because they can't stand the thought of losing their faithful partner and having to fully commit to a fantasy partner. 

*That's why I say the only way to win back a cheater, is to completely stop trying.*


----------



## somethingelse

MaritimeGuy said:


> How does one go about getting someone fired for having an emotional affair? Aren't you just going to look like a raving lunatic if you show up demanding a person be fired because they exchanged some texts with your spouse?
> 
> To me if your spouse is cheating you deal with your spouse. F any third parties. They're not worth your time and energy.
> 
> Personally I like the idea of the ultimatum. Best case your spouse wakes up and dumps the third party to refocus on your marriage. Worst case you end up divorced but can hold your head high knowing you refused to bend on your principles.
> 
> When my now ex was cheating I made the mistake of trying to figure out precisely how far she had gone and 'win' her back. It's the one thing I did I'm not proud of. In hindsight once I saw the first sign I should have issued an ultimatum and followed through on it.


EA's are not usually something to get fired over necessarily. If my H chose to get into one with someone he worked with, and it lead to physical, I truly would not want him to work with that person. Nor would I want to work with that person. Just my preference. 

I also sometimes wish I wouldn't have tried to "win" my H back. I have done that a few times already. When I look back I think how pathetic and childish I was being. I guess I can't say that though being that I'm still married to him


----------



## gbrad

somethingelse said:


> gbrad.....ugh. Have you ever been cheated on? If so, by who?
> 
> Just so you know, there is no way ANYONE in their right mind is going to work with an OW or OM. Just not going to happen unless you are the type that is emotionally dead inside or a door mat. No matter what kind of money situation is going on. So it does become a matter of "Who goes"? me or this person who has destroyed my life? Hmmm...easy answer. Not out of spite, not out of hate (but two very understandable feelings). More so to keep ones sanity and to be able to heal wounds that have been cut.
> 
> I am the most forgiving person I have ever known. Literally. I'm way too forgiving. I have a serial cheater for an H. The forgiveness pours out of me. But allowing someone who used me to get to my H, lied to my face every day, and then sleeps with my H...allow that person to work with me or my H after the fact....not going to happen.


No I have not been cheated on. I am also a very forgiving person as you said. 
You also mentioned how the affair destroyed your life. That is one way I look at cheating differently. Yes it is a bad thing. I have seen and experienced many bad things in life. Nobody has a perfect life, some people have more bad happen in theirs than others. The point is, as long as you have a life to lead, I have learned it is not destroyed. We are all dealt what we can handle. Sometimes it makes us stronger. We don't always know why, but in the end it is just a part of our life and our story.


----------



## alte Dame

You should have this thread moved to Coping With Infidelity. They have experience there with exactly this problem.


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## Nsweet

Yeah, all that zen crap and taking charge of your life and being better than all the other betrayed spouses won't make you feel any stronger when your wife leaves you for someone else.

Again I say, if you haven't been cheated on and betrayed then you have no say in how others should handle themselves during marriage shattering affairs. That would like me telling you not to yell at your kids when I don't have any myself.


----------



## somethingelse

gbrad said:


> No I have not been cheated on. I am also a very forgiving person as you said.
> You also mentioned how the affair destroyed your life. That is one way I look at cheating differently. Yes it is a bad thing. I have seen and experienced many bad things in life. Nobody has a perfect life, some people have more bad happen in theirs than others. The point is, as long as you have a life to lead, I have learned it is not destroyed. We are all dealt what we can handle. Sometimes it makes us stronger. We don't always know why, but in the end it is just a part of our life and our story.


Well my friend... God forbid it does not happen to you, but if you ever get cheated on, come back on here and tell me this again. And then I will believe that you are stuck on this idea.


----------



## nec

Ok tell me if I am being foolish. I told her again this morning I dont her texting him so much. I came out and told her I think she is having an emotional affair. She promised me she is not, and said she only started deleting the texts because showing them to me made me mad, now deleting them makes me mad. She appologized. So CoGUY I kinda took your advice. I know it takes two to tango...so now that I have made it clear to her, I started making it clear to him. I text him about 10 times to day asking work related questions but in ever single text I said "Linda and I think were wondering......" at first he engaged me but as the day went on it went down to one or two word responses. I plan on watching the cell bill and her phone. When I see they are texting I plan on blowing his phone up. Next time I am going to ask him for his Wife's phone number. My plan is to make him and her as uncomfortable as they are making me


----------



## Nsweet

No, idiot! You can't bully your way onto your wife or the OM to get them to stop! Now she's just going to get a pay as you go phone or have him buy her one so they can keep talking in private. Don't do this again unless you have evidence and only them send copies to the guys wife too. You didn't invent any of these tactics either, next time ask a what if question on these boards and see how many other betrayed spouses criticized and argued their spouses further into the affair.


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## somethingelse

Nsweet said:


> No, idiot! You can't bully your way onto your wife or the OM to get them to stop! Now she's just going to get a pay as you go phone or have him buy her one so they can keep talking in private. Don't do this again unless you have evidence and only them send copies to the guys wife too. You didn't invent any of these tactics either, next time ask a what if question on these boards and see how many other betrayed spouses criticized and argued their spouses further into the affair.


I'm sorry nec, but now your W and OM are going to take their A underground


----------



## Nsweet

somethingelse said:


> I'm sorry nec, but now your W and OM are going to take their A underground


No, I think first nec's wife is going to treat him really special to smooth things over, same goes for OM and his wife. And then they're going to fire back up the affair again with a new passion. Same thing happened to me over two years ago! Not worth the half assed pity sex form a wife who's not all there at the time.:rofl:


----------



## somethingelse

Nsweet said:


> No, I think first nec's wife is going to treat him really special to smooth things over, same goes for OM and his wife. And then they're going to fire back up the affair again with a new passion. Same thing happened to me over two years ago! Not worth the half assed pity sex form a wife who's not all there at the time.:rofl:


Oh definitely! :iagree:


----------



## HollowKat

Well I think detaching is the best way to get your sanity back. Remember, you cannot control her actions, she will just do as she pleases. The more you fight, the more they will continue their ways. I tried doing the nice things and I realize I wasted my time. I have a feeling you are wasting your time and energy fighting for someone who won't fight for you back. Otherwise you would see it by now. Get over her and get your life back now!


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## Nsweet

The only way I've seen for a husband to end an emotional affair so far where your wife doesn't end up hating your guts, is to flip the script and become your wife's emotional affair. The way it works is simple, you just start treating her like a friend and move in slowly while not b!tching about her talking to the OM. Over a few weeks the OM will get so jealous and controlling that he ends up chasing your wife back into your arms. 

But this method has it's drawbacks. You have to catch the affair in time, before she starts stacking bullsh!t reasons to resent you. And you have to have a serious zen master control over your emotions and practinve impossible patience. One jealous outburst can ruin the whole game! So it's not for everybody, but those who've been married for over 20+ years do better with this. 

Agian this is not for everyone, but if you do decide to choose this route instead of a quick and furious divorce, you might want to get the OM's wife involved in the plan. And you what, introduce her to TAM as well. We love helping and love an even better trainwreck story.


----------



## Entropy3000

nec said:


> Ok tell me if I am being foolish. I told her again this morning I dont her texting him so much. I came out and told her I think she is having an emotional affair. She promised me she is not, and said she only started deleting the texts because showing them to me made me mad, now deleting them makes me mad. She appologized. So CoGUY I kinda took your advice. I know it takes two to tango...so now that I have made it clear to her, I started making it clear to him. I text him about 10 times to day asking work related questions but in ever single text I said "Linda and I think were wondering......" at first he engaged me but as the day went on it went down to one or two word responses. I plan on watching the cell bill and her phone. When I see they are texting I plan on blowing his phone up. Next time I am going to ask him for his Wife's phone number. My plan is to make him and her as uncomfortable as they are making me


People in an EA think they are NOT in an EA. So stop trying to reason with her. I know. I was in an EA. Until you go through withdrawal you just think you are fine. You are fine because the brain chemicals tell you you are fine. So your tactics are NOT going to wprk here.

Now lying / deleting texts is unfaithful. 

Inappropriate Behavior --> Unfaithfulness --> Cheating

She is now well into unfaithful if not further along.

You are handling this all wrong. You do not play with this. All you are doing is making it them against you. It is very weak to engage with the OM in this way. You are basically telling him to not take your wife. Until she goes total NC this EAwill get deeper and deeper and then explode to where she Loves You But Is Not In Love with you. She will want SPACE. She will call you jealous, insecure and controlling. She will say you are not her dad. You must trust her and so on. You then tell her that she must trust you and that you know they are in an EA and you insist she must go NC. Do not ask her. Tell her that this is unacceptable in your marriage and that if she does not go NC with him you will have to move on.

I am in the extreme in holding both parties accountable. However, you are going about this all wrong. I would tell her that you believe they are in an EA. That your understand she does not believe she is. That you find her relationship with this co-worker to be disrespectful and unfaithful to you. That her hiding things to protect their relationship is unfaithful and is the straw that broke the camels back.

Tell her that she must now go NC with this guy. I suspect this means she must change jobs. The thing is that if you can intervene early enough in these things one does not have to take this stand. However, you either found out too late or waited too long. EAs are like fire. You do not watch them and hope they go out by blowing on them. You must put it our immediately. 

So there you are. The longer you wait the worse this gets. The more you play with this the more they will push this underground. The greater the chance now of this turning into a PA. 

It was fine one time to ask her to separate from this guy. But you are way beyond asking now. You must blow this up. I do not want to beat on you but you waiting is just enabling this. If she quits and goes NC then great. However if she refuses to quit you know you waited too long and now have to move to exposure. See the longer one waits the more radical the action must be. It is like squeaky brakes. An easy fix if you engage it right away. The lnger you wait the more expensive and dangerous it gets. 

Stop playing these games. Be the man.

My wife saved our marriage by being firm. I did not realize it was an EA until I was in withdrawal. yes I changed jobs. Not just any job either. I was a lead technologist for my company. I was making serious money. But my marriage was more important.

The big advantage of what I am telling you over other advice is that I was in the EA. We have mnow beemn married 36 years. So my marriage os a success story. Do not play games. Do not compete with her OM. You do not nice people out of affairs. They will cake eat.


----------



## gbrad

Nsweet said:


> Yeah, all that zen crap and taking charge of your life and being better than all the other betrayed spouses won't make you feel any stronger when your wife leaves you for someone else.
> 
> Again I say, if you haven't been cheated on and betrayed then you have no say in how others should handle themselves during marriage shattering affairs. That would like me telling you not to yell at your kids when I don't have any myself.





somethingelse said:


> Well my friend... God forbid it does not happen to you, but if you ever get cheated on, come back on here and tell me this again. And then I will believe that you are stuck on this idea.


I get you have a different opinion. I also do not believe in the concept of "you don't know so you can't have an opinion". That is a crock. Do I know exactly how I would react, no. But I do know what would be right and what would be wrong. Wrong is screwing over someone financially. 
Having a marriage break up, well luckily there are other people out there that you could eventually find a new spouse. And while you could eventually find another job. A job is necessary all the time to pay the bills, buy food, have a roof, and not go into extreme debt. While a spouse is nice to have, it is not a necessity every single day.


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## somethingelse

Entropy3000 said:


> My wife saved our marriage by being firm. I did not realize it was an EA until I was in withdrawal. yes I changed jobs. Not just any job either. I was a lead technologist for my company. I was making serious money. But my marriage was more important.



Hey gbrad! Are you reading this?? :rofl:


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## gbrad

somethingelse said:


> Hey gbrad! Are you reading this?? :rofl:


Some people can change jobs easily and still make enough to pay for everything that needs to be paid for. Not everyone can change jobs that easily especially given the economy we have been in.


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## somethingelse

Entropy3000...your my hero 

I'm just playing with you gbrad, no hard feelings. I see what you are saying, but I just cannot relate to it


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## gbrad

somethingelse said:


> Entropy3000...your my hero
> 
> I'm just playing with you gbrad, no hard feelings. I see what you are saying, but I just cannot relate to it


Agreed no hard feelings, just different opinions. I'm looking at things practically. To me, those types of decisions should not be made due to those extreme emotions.


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## Entropy3000

somethingelse said:


> Entropy3000...your my hero
> 
> I'm just playing with you gbrad, no hard feelings. I see what you are saying, but I just cannot relate to it


If the marriage is #1 then all else is secondary.

Jobs come and go. Even great ones.

But you have to value your marriage.


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## somethingelse

Entropy3000 said:


> If the marriage is #1 then all else is secondary.
> 
> Jobs come and go. Even great ones.
> 
> But you have to value your marriage.



Very well put


----------



## Nsweet

Entropy3000 said:


> If the marriage is #1 then all else is secondary.
> 
> Jobs come and go. Even great ones.
> 
> But you have to value your marriage.


I said the same thing when I left the Navy to be with my ex wife. 

I just didn't count on having a sh!tty wife who would leave me if I didn't continue to pay her a salary.

So all in all it was a win-lose situation, but a learning experience at that.


----------



## gbrad

Entropy3000 said:


> If the marriage is #1 then all else is secondary.
> 
> Jobs come and go. Even great ones.
> 
> But you have to value your marriage.


I never said not to value marriage. I said not to tare someone else down. Some people look at it as revenge or payback or they deserve it. I used to think that way, but I don't anymore. That type of mindset just continues the cycle.


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## Entropy3000

gbrad said:


> I never said not to value marriage. I said not to tare someone else down. Some people look at it as revenge or payback or they deserve it. I used to think that way, but I don't anymore. That type of mindset just continues the cycle.


I am not posting here to debate anything with you. 
I am posting to give this guy some advice to save his marriage.


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## HollowKat

Chances are if he tries to save the marriage, she would show signs of remorse, not just regret, and her putting effort into saving the marriage as well. But most times the wayward will continue the affair. That is why I suggest getting rid of her. I tried to do the "calling their workplace" and "having her quit her job" and it didn't work out because the company doesn't involve themselves in personal life. Also, if it fails then it gives them more power to say "haha you can't touch me" kinda thing. So based on my experience you are better off just letting them do whatever they want to do and move on without her. You don't need her in your life if she is just going to do this to you. The best revenge is you not caring about them and moving on and being much happier in life.


----------



## Thor

gbrad said:


> And I could never understand or agree with the idea of jeopardizing somebodies job with the exposing of an affair. And spreading rumors at someones work place about a potential affair or even a real affair to get it to be known, to me seems childish and irresponsible. You want to risk the marriage and the persons career all at the same time. You don't want to add more stresses in a situation like that. The marriage issues are enough to handle and deal with, job stress doesn't need to be added to it.


The reason to expose at work is to kill the affair. If they still have contact and if they still have secrecy then the affair is still happening. The affair has to be made unpleasant and non-secret.

If someone loses a job it is the cost of the affair. If it is the OM it is his fault. There are consequences.

I don't agree with doing it purely for revenge.

But he knew and didn't care that he was trashing another family and risking thejob of the WW. I don't worry about his financial woes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree

You ought to move this to the CWI section. Ask the mods.


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## gbrad

Thor said:


> The reason to expose at work is to kill the affair. If they still have contact and if they still have secrecy then the affair is still happening. The affair has to be made unpleasant and non-secret.
> 
> If someone loses a job it is the cost of the affair. If it is the OM it is his fault. There are consequences.
> 
> I don't agree with doing it purely for revenge.
> 
> But he knew and didn't care that he was trashing another family and risking thejob of the WW. I don't worry about his financial woes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get that you don't care about the OM and his financial woes. It makes me sad and it makes me hurt that people in our society just don't care about others, but I understand your thought process. (And yes I get that the other man didn't show care for your marriage by sleeping with your wife, but we have to stop the cycle of not caring about others somewhere, someone needs to be the better person at some point)
But what about if it is your spouse that loses his/her job as a result of exposing the affair at work? Now you are dealing with affair problems and financial problems at home. A lot of marriages don't survive financial problems, let alone those two things happening at the same time.


----------



## anchorwatch

Again with the argumentative tread jacking by the same poster, instead of simply presenting the OP with a choice.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Entropy3000 said:


> If the marriage is #1 then all else is secondary.
> 
> Jobs come and go. Even great ones.
> 
> But you have to value your marriage.


:iagree:

Protect the marriage at all costs!


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## anchorwatch

nec, are you okay?


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## somethingelse

He might be going into panic mode


----------



## COguy

nec said:


> Ok tell me if I am being foolish. I told her again this morning I dont her texting him so much. I came out and told her I think she is having an emotional affair. She promised me she is not, and said she only started deleting the texts because showing them to me made me mad, now deleting them makes me mad. She appologized. So CoGUY I kinda took your advice. I know it takes two to tango...so now that I have made it clear to her, I started making it clear to him. I text him about 10 times to day asking work related questions but in ever single text I said "Linda and I think were wondering......" at first he engaged me but as the day went on it went down to one or two word responses. I plan on watching the cell bill and her phone. When I see they are texting I plan on blowing his phone up. Next time I am going to ask him for his Wife's phone number. My plan is to make him and her as uncomfortable as they are making me


Please go back and reread my first post.

Then tell me where I said to do anything remotely close to what you did?

I'll paraphrase very briefly what I suggested, "Give her 1 day to decide if she wants this guy or you, and if she hasn't committed 100% to never talking or seeing this guy again, you hand her D papers and tell her to move out."

The only reason you should even be talking to your wife is if you're trying to get proof of her affair for your divorce trial. She is cheating on you bad and now you look like a chump. You need to hand her D papers and start detaching.


----------



## gbrad

anchorwatch said:


> Again with the argumentative tread jacking by the same poster, instead of simply presenting the OP with a choice.


Was never attempting to threadjack. As you said I was simply trying to provide a more positive and less destructive choice in the matter. Others opposed that opinion, so I was trying to show why it was a valid choice. I don't attempt to just argue, but when I am basically told I am dumb because of my opinion, it is hard not to defend ones self.


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## somethingelse

gbrad, are you married?


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## gbrad

somethingelse said:


> gbrad, are you married?


Oh yes


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## somethingelse

gbrad said:


> Oh yes


I know you've told me you haven't been cheated on...but have you cheated before? Why so intrigued with putting money before all else?


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## gbrad

somethingelse said:


> I know you've told me you haven't been cheated on...but have you cheated before? Why so intrigued with putting money before all else?


No I have not cheated. I just think we need to make better choices about how we treat people. If this guy just completely disregards the feelings and lives of the other people involved, it just continues a vicious cycle. God didn't put us on this earth to not care about other people. The more good we do for others, the more that is going to continue. If we want affairs to continue, lets just keep the bad cycle going around in how people treat each other. If we don't want it, just like anything else, we have to change how we treat people. We can't just say its all about me and screw everyone else. 
Money is just an essential thing to me that people need to survive. We shouldn't do anything that hurts other peoples ability to survive and live well. Even if they hurt us, if we do something back to them, the cycle just continues. That is why I get tired of hearing people say they just don't care about other people.


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## somethingelse

How's it going nec? any updates?


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## nec

hey something else....so Friday was our anniversary I rented us a room at a very nice hotel for a long weekend get away. Started out rough she said it was akward just us....I kinda got pissed and had a screw you attitude and she said thats what she wants is the real me not the me that is trying too hard to please her.....the rest of the weekend was awsome we got along held hands had sex four times, went shopping out to dinner had some drinks....all in all it was awsome and then my heart got ripped out of my chest. When we got home we were just sitting around relaxing and her mom called her.... he phone was turned up and I could hear everything her mom was saying it went something like this HER MOM: did you have fun? MY WIFE: yeah...HER MOM: did you really? MY WIFE; (silence) HER MOM; well I guess that answers my question..... when they hung up I told her I could her everything they said. She said she was only talking about the Friday part and that she had a great time the rest of the weekend...I asked her why she didnt just say that to her mom????? I honestly dont know... I dont mean to sound like oh poor me but damn that hurt that hurt bad Im not sure where this is going on a good note there were no calls or texts from the other guy that I know of


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## nec

Kind of a sad state of affairs when your happy your wife only hurt you with a rude or hurtful conversation and not by texting or calling the "other guy" oh well


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## Nsweet

You had a great weekend with your wife, but the minute you got back to reality she was reminded of her misery. Don't take this personal! She's not going to thank you, but she did enjoy your time together and your reconciliation chances are going to be stronger. But now you're back to the same problems from before and have to start over. And you have to cycle your affection! You were lovers days ago, now you're just roomates. Start over!

Nec, Very simple solution here. When your wife rejects you like she's doing and is looking for excuses to push you away, ignore her and go do your own thing but act happy. She's still living with you and isn't with another man, so it's not hopeless. But you're going to have to stop chasing her and expecting her to appreciate your efforts while she's depressed. Just leave her alone right now and start over by treating her like a friend, but when she rejects you just act like you don't care. 

Beleve me if you act like you're not bothered by her hurtful actions or about the divorce it's going to make her try even harder to earn your affections. And because you're not treating her like crap, but you're not taking any off of her either, she will respect the hell out of you! I remember my ex wife respecting me for the first time in months after I walked out of a movie when she started texting the OM. Did I get her back? No. But I got my own self respect back which was better.


----------



## HollowKat

I can relate. You might feel that things are going great, smooth, and then your expectations go down the drain. Do you want to succumb yourself to this for months, years, the rest of your lifetime? 

I spend a month trying to prove to my wife I would change and try to make our marriage strong. I did the little things like surprise texts and gave her undivided attention everyday and night. I even relived our first moments at parks, going to the place where I taught her how to drive, even added a new surprise after each event. During that month, I also knew that her and the OM was still talking/texting but I didn't bring it up. We had a couple great moments, great sex, just as if everything was better. I wanted to show her what she wanted "the Old romantic me" as she stated. After finding out a certain pic he sent her to her email and the long talks on her cell phone with him, I had enough. Basically she was just doing enough to make me happy and complacent. I hope you get out of your "fog" and separate the hard facts of what you really have. I've left mine and after a month I have GREATLY moved on and haven't looked back since!

Cheaters are going to cheat. The ones who want to save their marriage will do what it takes to show you they do. It is important both parties work towards the marriage, but the cheater should be doing more of the hard labor.


----------



## nec

Thank you all so much......I do agree I have done all I can I am going to stop kissing her ass and just get back to being me....It will either be enough or it wont but Im so sick and tired of being in a constant state of hurt and in security.....I have fought for my marriage, its in her hands now and its only a matter of time before I quit and just start my life over.......I hope it doesnt come to that but I see now its out of my hands....I cant clean the kitchen enought, or send enough flowers, I give


----------



## Nsweet

Yes, and the secret to saving marriage most successful marriage counselors won't tell you that cost's absolutly nothing and is way to easy to do. Is to do absolutely nothing, but pull away from her and act happy while you continue the changes you've made so far. 

I mean she's going to hate you for as long as she wants to, but only for about a month or so after you've stopped chasing her and kissing her ass. Because she doesn't like hersels and so she looks down on you for showing her love. Just pull away and get a physically active hobby that you can use to destress and get all this anger out.


----------



## COguy

You need to come to grips with the fact that your marriage is over. It's over because she's still cheating on you, and you know it.

You need to detach, and if by the grace of God you can reconnect, it will be in a completely new way.

The more you try to smother her with love, the more painful this is going to be. Marriages do not last when there are outside influences involved. Take it from the peanut gallery.

Get some self-respect. What advice would you give a friend if his wife was cheating with someone else and they still talked?


----------



## somethingelse

Nsweet said:


> She's still living with you and isn't with another man, so it's not hopeless. But you're going to have to stop chasing her and expecting her to appreciate your efforts while she's depressed. Just leave her alone right now and start over by treating her like a friend, but when she rejects you just act like you don't care.


It's called a 180. Be assertive, dress nice, get in shape (if you're not already), do things you enjoy and let her watch. She'll notice eventually and it might peak her interest. If not, then you've got bigger issues with your W


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## somethingelse

Don't let your W think she has the upper hand. That's why she feels so justified in cheating on you. You are her "doormat". She is going to take advantage of that so long as you let her. Only when she sees that you are not a doormat and that you have self respect, will she start treating this situation differently. 

Do you think she is still talking to the OM nec?


----------



## Nsweet

COguy said:


> You need to come to grips with the fact that your marriage is over. It's over because she's still cheating on you, and you know it.
> 
> You need to detach, and if by the grace of God you can reconnect, it will be in a completely new way.
> 
> The more you try to smother her with love, the more painful this is going to be. Marriages do not last when there are outside influences involved. Take it from the peanut gallery.
> 
> Get some self-respect. What advice would you give a friend if his wife was cheating with someone else and they still talked?


Don't be so quick to judge. I've seen other members like Daisygirl41 pull her husband back while he was still stepping out on the weekends. All she and had to do to reconcile was follow the 180 and pull away from her husband while he didn't want anything to do with her, but also show him appreciation when he cared for her again. And a few husbands have done the same with cheating wives while living at home. 

As I recall the most successful reconciliation stories have involved the wayward either living at home or still making excuses to come over.... For these guys they had to pull away from their spouses when they didn't want anything to do with them and then show them indifference. When their spouses started to miss them and hoover them back they held their boundaries and showed them restraint. 

One the best techniques I've seen implemented was when the husband went on casual luch dates twice a month with his wife, sometimed bringing the kids along... because "for the kids" is a popular excuse. And because they made this time a "NO SERIOUS DISCUSSION" time and didn't try to steal kisses or seduce them back, the wives had fun with their husbands again and started ignoring the OM. 

Once the OM/OW feel ignored they do what all other cheaters delusioned by insanity and withdrawing from dopamine do.... They got so needy and controlling the wayward wives dumped them for all the same reasons they left the marriage. All in all I've seen it happen in less than 6 months, but these spouses had to eat, sleep, and live by the 180 rules which sometimes meant ignoring their spouses to take a break themselves and rejecting their spouses just so they could focus on work. 

So it's not impossible, it's just really f*cking difficult because you have to open your scars(from childhood) and heal them yourself by yourself or else risk needing to be needed by someone who doesn't want you.


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## somethingelse

Nsweet said:


> So it's not impossible, it's just really f*cking difficult because you have to open your scars(from childhood) and heal them yourself by yourself or else risk needing to be needed by someone who doesn't want you.


In other words. Don't be needy  If she doesn't want you. Learn that you must move on and be strong.


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## Nsweet

Yes, but.....

Some people carry severe emotional scars from the parenting they received. A toxic relationship can open these scars making the breakup/separation/divorce even more traumatizing and making worse the need to be needed.


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## somethingelse

Nsweet said:


> Yes, but.....
> 
> Some people carry severe emotional scars from the parenting they received. A toxic relationship can open these scars making the breakup/separation/divorce even more traumatizing and making worse the need to be needed.


Agreed


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## COguy

nsweet, that situation is so rare, you might as well plan on winning the lottery. 


this chick is a cheater, best to cut and run now. have some self respect.


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## alte Dame

You've heard this ad nauseum, OP, but if you asked the mods to move this to the Coping With Infidelity forum, you would get systematic advice on how to push her out of the affair. As it is now, you don't really have a chance.


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## nec

Thanks for all the advice guys. I think I am getting a hanle on it. I have basically made my positon know, and told her I am not happy, and what I expect. Time will tell. we have ups and downs. Like she is having surgery tommorrow and told me today that she wants her mom to hold her phone for her so her mom will have something to do. I dont buy it but I am at a point where I honestly dont care. I will be there for her, but I feel myself slipping away. At first I was hurt. angry pissed off now......I dont care. I find Im not trying to snoop on her phone or ipad I have stopped looking at the phone bill. Its my intention once this surgery is over and she recoups to re evaluate myself and our marriage. Im not sure about moving out or filing for divorce....truth is we have worked damn hard to become debt free and we both make ok money, I like my lifestyle and a divorce would change everything. I dont have a mortage, I pay cash for my cars....I dont even have one single credit card. A divorce would change all that. I dont want it this way but I think I would be fine just slipping away emotionally if thats what she wants. She could do her thing and Ill do mine. Again its not what I want but its how Ill try to survive this. No telling what the future holds.


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## somethingelse

I'm going through the same thoughts about my marriage right now too. 

Are you saying that you would settle for an open marriage?


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## nec

well at this point I wouldnt want to know what she is doing and if this continues I am sure I will meet someone If I start going out more with my buddies or going to shows alone eventually I think I would meet someone, I would not ever do it just to make her jellouse or to try to save my marriage but I bet it would happen eventually. sometimes I think she wishes I would find someone else sounds weird I know but ts a vibe or a sense I get from her


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## somethingelse

nec said:


> well at this point I wouldnt want to know what she is doing and if this continues I am sure I will meet someone If I start going out more with my buddies or going to shows alone eventually I think I would meet someone, I would not ever do it just to make her jellouse or to try to save my marriage but I bet it would happen eventually. sometimes I think she wishes I would find someone else sounds weird I know but ts a vibe or a sense I get from her


Your vibe is most likely right. The guilt might be eating away at her, so she wants you to stoop as low as she is so she can either justify more cheating, or even possibly leave you without a guilty conscience. 

I would say, don't stoop to her level though. Keep out of trouble, and if it's going to take you finding more evidence of cheating for you to leave, then wait it out and let her dig her own hole


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## nec

Good advice something but I honestly have all the evidence I need. I know in my heart whats going on....its simply a matter of economics...dont get me wrong Im a hopeless romantic, Im the type to send flowers for no reason...but the neglect on her part and the OM even if they arent sleeping together just knowing she has let someone come between us knowing how it makes me feel is enough for me. I am going to embrace the 180 rule not with the intention of cheating back or getting revenge but for self preservation.....I not going to be the door matt anymore, but leaving and divorcing.....right now all I will say is im not happy in my marriage but I am with my finances and my life style.....I feel like its time to start living again.... and let the chips fall where they may


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## MaritimeGuy

nec

Personally I think it's a mistake to stay with her only because of the money. If you've checked out of the marriage and you truly want to be happy you need to free yourself of her. 

While I don't think it's something you should be be considering right now what are you going to do when you do want to meet someone? Commit adultery and ask the other person to sleep with a married man?

No amount of money is worth living in an emotional prison. You may incur some short term financial pain by splitting assets but I believe you'll find it's well worth it in the end.


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## nec

Well honestly its not just the money, as I become indifferent and pull away ine of two things will happen. Ill eventually move on, or she will see what shes done and have regrets, either way I wind up in the driver seat and the decision will be mine, who knows what the future holds
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nec

Things have mellowed out.... Ive stopped snooping, and started doing my own thing and guess what she is showing more intrest i guess the 180 rule really does work!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nec

Ok so I have embraced the 180 rule and its working for me. She even had the "I love just not sure I'm in love with you" talk and Im was like. ..... What ever, if shes not happy she is free to leave but Im done kissing her ass and me trying my guess is after a while of this and when her "work husband" wont leave his wife and family for her then she will want to try....Im done as far as I can see. Thanks again for all your support and counseling!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

How are things going? You file for a divorce yet?


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