# wife broke heart nothing has been the same



## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

i am a very nice easy going guy, well i used to be.

I have been married for 3 yrs. we got pregnant and she miscarried.

4 months after she miscarried she told me she no longer loved me the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. She deserved better and wanted a divorce. she was very happy and in an extremely good mood after telling me this.

My world was rocked my heart shattered. I begged her to go to consoling she said no. Got up to go to wrk the nxt day i begged her to stay she still wanted a divorce. 

after i left for work she said she would be willing to work on it.

every since then i havnt been myself its been almost a yr. for the next 5 months after that i hated her.

we went to consoling it didnt do much.

We get along great as friends she has really become a very nice person and very loving. but i just do not love her like i used to she had broken my heart and said very mean things.

She is all about trying to have baby. i am reserved about the idea.

its like iv been in a fog of going through the motions for a yr. trying to make it work trying to snap out of it but i cant. i want kids really bad but what if i end up hating her and wishing i had gotten divorced along time ago.

theres a little more to the story.. before we got pregnant etc. she had developed a drinking problem and it got worse as the yrs went on.

she was very mean to me and treated me like a servant at times when she was drunk.

I was so in love with her it did not matter. it did bother me sometimes but i loved her.

after she told me she wanted a divorce and what not its like i look back on our relationship and realize i was taken advantage of becuz i am a very nice guy.

like they say "love is blind" i was blinded by how she treated me when i was head over heels in love with her. looking back i am amazed i put up with it. I really want kids though i am 29 

she has quit drinking and is very nice and loving compared to how she used to be. basically she is what i wished she would have been when i was in love with her.

Idk what to do there have been times i really want a divorce. 
i miss being in love so much. i do love her i am just not in love with her.....:scratchhead:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Do not have kids. Be honest with yourself, does she really want to be married to you, or she wants a marriage and someone to father her children more? You both might not be the right person for each other. Time to detach and evaluate before you even consider if you want to try or not. Do not feel guilty about divorce, we all make bad choices, or we lack the hindsight to know the person we are married to.


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

its like i have a guard up over my full heart becuz she broke it before for no reason at all. and something in me just will not let me put down the guard


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You simply stop trusting her, and you have placed a barrier up to protect yourself. The only way you can figure out if you want to leave or stay is that you get to the bottom of the past. Past issues will influence our behavior.

If she is not willing to seek the answers, or refuses to tell you, it is better to detach and stop trying to figure it out. As much as we want to know the answers, if it effects us negatively over time, it is better to call it quits.

The only way to trust her again is if she shows you she can be trusted. You do not feel that way, and you might never. That moment she broke your heart could of been the line once crossed, it is over. At the time, you were still highly attached to her, and biologically, it made you want to cling on because she triggers the reward center of your brain.

You need time to figure things out, and she needs to be honest and open with you on her reasoning. Until then, your going around and around in a circle, going nowhere.


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

after her miscarriage she suffered from extreme anxiety (we went to the er 4 times for anxiety attacks)

she has told me that at during this time she cried all the time cried at work all the time and just felt unsettled which is why she wanted to leave. to get out of the anxiety bubble she was in


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Only married 3 years and no children? Stop allowing yourself to be treated like this. Give her the divorce she wants, and move on with someone much more compatible. Think what your life would be like after 20 or more years of that kind of treatment?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Did she ever see a therapist. Miscarriages can have a varying affect on each individual. There could of have been hormone imbalance, or depression. Her depression could of released it in a self-destructive manner. She needs a therapist no matter what, and it could not hurt for you to see one either. Your holding onto resentment, and whether you stay or not, you need to find a way to cope with that baggage.


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

we have both seen therapist, individual and together as a couple


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

MisterGuy said:


> its like i have a guard up over my full heart becuz she broke it before for no reason at all. and something in me just will not let me put down the guard


Sounds more like she broke your heart out of sheer desperation. She needed you to understand how greif stricken she was. Sometimes people communicate like this. Its a child's way of doing it, but ti at least gets the pain across.

You need to focus on putting this to rest before you can heal as a couple.

You amy also want to ask your current CC for a referall to someone experienced in birth trauma.


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

a month after she said we should work things out she did not even talk to me. then she said she wanted a divorce sgsin said a lot of mean things got hammered then told me she met someone else.

the next day i met with a lawyer.

after talking we decided to go to consoling and try to make this work. I did always feel that the miscarriage grief could have made her freak out.

but 


i am in a funk looking back on the past makes me feel like she just took advantage of me treated me bad drank all the time becuz i put up with it. then after i saw a lawyer it is like she realized how good she really had it and all of the sudden wants to change and be a good spouse.

She said she made up the met some other guy to make me mad i checked all of her phone records and there wasnt anything suspicious.


Basically our marriage was always rocky due to her drinking. she was a mean drunk. and its hard looking back at that knowing thats all our marriage was for 3 yrs.

I know she blames herself for the miscarriage becuz she was drinking and smoking all the time. until she found out she was prego.

Then all she would talk about while prego is i cant wait to be able to drink. this is when i think i started falling out of love with her. we had tried for 2yrs to get pregs and once we do all she can think about is drinking once its over.

AHHHHHHH i know ppl say the obvious thing is to leave. i am getting closer and closer just am an indecisive person and what if i regret it months later.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

In situations like these, i fall back on my analogy of a long piece of metal that has been bent back and forth so many times that it snaps in two. Sometimes that can be our heart and our commitment when there has been just too much rollercoaster and too much heartbreak.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It sounds like you know what you want, since there are no children involved the longer you wait the longer it will take to find the right person you should be with, and the same goes with your wife...do yourselves both a favor and just let go.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She sounds like a mean drunk like you say. Was she always mean to you when she drank?

Was she mean to any other people when drinking?

Johnny Carson was supposed to be a mean drunk, it just affects some people that way. It causes a lot of guys Ronstadt fights when drunk.

Has she totally quit drinking, how long now?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

3 things:

1. Trust your gut feeling
2. Read my very very long but similar thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/43925-i-should-just-divorce-her.html

AND
3. Divorce her


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does she go to AA?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Honestly my first thought as you described the way that she told you she wanted a divorce, that she was happy about it during/after, didn't seem upset or phased by it a bit, is that she was in the affair fog. Honestly that is the vibe I get from this, very strongly. You said she admitted to having met another man during that time, but then later on denied it? Honestly, I really find that difficult to believe. Certainly it's possible that she's telling the truth, but the situation you described would be TEXTBOOK affair behavior from a wayward spouse. Asking for or demanding a divorce should be a painful thing, even if you know it's something you want/need, and for her to be happy and unphased by it all strongly makes me think it is because she was seeing someone else.

Have you thought about putting a voice activated recorder in her car? Or in the house if she spends a lot of time there? You might discover a few things you didn't know about...

In any case, if she is telling the truth and she's been a pretty great wife since all of that took place... then I would probably suggest that you get back into therapy of some kind, or both of you into marriage counseling. If you feel clearly that she is being a good wife, and you trust her now, then you probably just need to get some assistance with processing through and getting past these feelings that have been bothering you, and ultimately finding forgiveness for your wife, which is important for BOTH of you.


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

no she doesn't go to AA and some links you guys sent me i cant not access.

She drinks on occasion like if we are out to eat a beer with meal. nothing too extreme. 

The toughest part for me know is i am depressed and torn between making a huge decision in my life. 

Every time we talk about splitting she gets sad and to the point she may leave me becuz i am different and down all the time and dont want kids at the moment. She knows shes the reason i am this way.

something in me always feels sorry for her. 

I over think everything how getting divorced will effect her, her family my niece and nephew on her side etc etc etc.

I always wonder to myself am i staying just becuz i feel sorry for her. am i staying becuz i am scared to be alone again.

What bothers me the most is before all this i was ecstatic to have kids with her. now everything is different.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

MisterGuy said:


> no she doesn't go to AA and some links you guys sent me i cant not access.
> 
> She drinks on occasion like if we are out to eat a beer with meal. nothing too extreme.
> 
> ...


You are exactly where I was 3 years ago. Exactly there.

Here's the gist of my story:

- Wife started acting out 2 years into marriage (at the time we had been together for 8 years)
- One day we had an argument and she said "I want a divorce". I didn't realize at the time, but this was the turning point.
- She left multiple times (3) only to come back every time and be the pretty kind wife that you are seeing in your life right now. I was getting more depressed and insecure every day
- Last time she left, I didn't bother chasing after her. I started detaching, and even pretending like I was seeking other women
- She came back yet again, only this time I wasn't really falling for her sh1t. I realized I loved her a lot, but couldn't get past the hurt she had caused. I was still detached.
- She got pregnant, and I realized I had to make this marriage work somehow.
- She used my weakness over her pregnancy against me and held the baby in her womb as hostage by threatening to abort the baby if I didn't become the doormat she was used to having.
- I begged her over and over not to do this, but I didn't budge on becoming a doormat.
- She killed the baby
- I left immediately and we got divorced a short while later.
- I moved on and am living a wonderful life
- I don't give a f*** what she's doing.
- Found myself a truly loving girl who has no chance in hell to hurt me like my ex did, because I've grown a lot and will never let myself be treated like a toy. 

The scars are never going to heal, but life is good (I'm not pretending anymore). My only regret:

*Not having divorced her as soon as she said "I want a divorce" the first time*



Here's what's most likely going to happen to your marriage:

- Your wife will keep being nice for a while until she feels like she has "options" (and believe me they always find options)
- She will melt your heart just enough to make you attached to the marriage again
- She will once again declare she's unhappy 
- You will go through this yet again
- You will hate yourself for wasting your life on such a woman


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm really, really confused here. She wants a divorce or no? You both seem to feel sorry for each other? She has a drinking problem or no?

What are your thoughts regarding a few of the things we've discussed here?


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

Sorry for the delay.

She does not want a divorce at all.

The hard part for me now is the fact that we can have a great week or two I mean great we have fun together go on dates talk etc. its good and was a breath of fresh air in this depression yr.

But after having a great week or two things are going very well. I just feel the fog come back in and over me. I am trying so hard to fall deeply in love with her like I used to be but I just cant full time.

its confusing I do care about her I do love her just not in love with her. in her eyes everything is going great not quite 100% but a high 90 im sure. trying the "fake it to you make it" routine suggested by our consoler .

Ill admit I did let my guard down and did have a great two weeks with her but some part of me just keeps coming back to the hurt.

I want to move on and start a family but the doubt still creeps in 

I know the easy answer is to get a divorce just generally think that she really has changed her life around. but why am I not happy with it


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> but why am I not happy with it


Because deep down you know she will hurt you again. It's who she is, and you don't like it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your problem is that you got used to being treated like crap and now it's a life style.

Comes down to this, your gut is telling you one thing, your brain is cloudy and you little head is also speaking up in this mess so which one do you trust? The little head that gives you 20 minuets of fun every so often, you brain that is in a fog or your gut that in most cases is right. Your whistling past the graveyard with this and if your life is going to be full off constant uncertainties then go with your gut.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MisterGuy said:


> after her miscarriage she suffered from extreme anxiety (we went to the er 4 times for anxiety attacks)
> 
> she has told me that at during this time she cried all the time cried at work all the time and just felt unsettled which is why she wanted to leave. to get out of the anxiety bubble she was in


Her reaction to the miscarriage is very normal. It can hit people very hard, especially the mother. Besides the grief, her hormones were most likely in complete turmoil. I'm sure that all she could think of was how to except the hell that was going on in her head.

I've been there. It's a hard thing to work through.

What this discussed in your MC sessions?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you are not sure what to do, I would suggest that you keep working on the marriage. Give it say another 6 months. During that time really work hard on it.

You say that the MC did not work. What about it did not work? Can you describe that?


Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask her to read them with you and work through what they say to do.

At the 6 month point assess where you are at. Do you feel in-love again and is your relationship stronger. If not then divorce.

Marriages go through cycles... they ebb and flow. It's not unusual to not feel love for your spouse at times. Today divorce is easy so people tend to divorce and not work through these times.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

MisterGuy said:


> like they say "love is blind" i was blinded by how she treated me when i was head over heels in love with her. looking back i am amazed i put up with it. :


I going though the same thing that you are. Your quote above really hits home. I too was blinded though not realizing it. After we were married for a few months she starting treating me really bad and did things to me that I will always remember and never be able to forgive. I'm in a fog right now not knowing what to do next. I definitely have considered divorce but can't since I will lose the kids. Staying with her is also torture. Sometimes I think all that happened was that I got played and now since she knows I can't divorce her she can treat me and the kids terribly and get away with it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

MisterGuy said:


> I always wonder to myself am i staying just becuz i feel sorry for her. am i staying becuz i am scared to be alone again.


It's probably both and neither one are good enough reasons to stay in something you logically know is broken. If you stay then you'll be choosing this thing that swings from purgatory to h3ll and back again. And these dynamics that have you and her pulling back and forth will become co-dependent habits that will keep you stuck for a long time and will following you into other relationships.


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