# Sordid Road to Reconciliation



## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Greetings,

I've posted a few times here and there, but here's a summary of where I'm at (mostly for me, but also to document for others the problems with the "nice guy" approach). I'm sure many won't agree with the choices I've made to date (I sure don't), but I'm open to advice going forward.

Backstory
======
Met my wife 17 years ago while she was married to H1. She had cheated on him with 3 ONS before we met. She moved out and divorced him a few months after we met. With the benefit of hindsight, I clearly enabled her fog in a classic way, with an EA while she was still married and PA after she moved in with her parents but before divorce was final. Karma's a *****.

We married 12 years ago.

We had our first child 9 years ago.

She started a PA 8 years ago after running into an old college boyfriend (OM1), who is also married and has 2 kids. She apparently "felt guilty" and broke it off from time to time, including (so she says) before we conceived our 2nd. She resumed the affair after our second was born. (While I am curious if she lied about that, in some sense I don't care. He's my son either way.) Her affair also began when I started a job that had me travel about 1 week a month.

I started figuring out something was up about 3 years ago. I mistakenly guessed it was an old high school boyfriend (OM2), who I and she had always acknowledged was "someone she had long thought she'd end up married to". It took me 8 months to verify my suspicions, during which she figured out I was suspicious. During those 8 months, I think the EA/PA escalated. During those 8 months she also had a ONS with the old high school boyfriend (OM2) I had originally suspected, probably in revenge for my "unjustified suspicions", although I didn't learn about this until much later.

Two years, three months ago was D-Day with respects OM1. I confronted her about OM1. Stood my ground because I had proof (VAR). After denying it very convincingly, she broke down and admitted to 6-year affair with OM1. I told her NC and MC, but was otherwise a "nice guy". (Not a NC letter, but I asked her to call him the next day and end it, which was also a mistake.)

MC went slowly. She claimed I was jealous and controlling (blaming me for affair) and couldn't trust me (because I had snooped for 8 months). It turns out she broke NC with emails after about 2 months (fog persisted). We never told anyone in "her circle", so she was never exposed.

After 7 months, I found out she had continued EA and was planning to resume PA. (Prevented PA because I knew it was about to start thanks to GPS and called her with an excuse demanding her immediate return.) I confronted her. She denied it. I lied and said "she'd been spotted by a mutual friend" (to hide the fact I had used GPS). She eventually broke down.

We went to MC. I was about to call it quits. MC said wait a week. Between that appointment and the next, she lost her job. (Big blow to her self-esteem.) We couldn't afford MC. Last session, MC said "keep status quo" for now.

At some point, not sure when, she started confiding in OM3. OM3 was an old college friend who lived far away. I'm not sure what to call him other than a "voyeuristic affair enabler." (Is there another term for this? There should be.) Basically, every time she got on FB, he'd pop up in chat, flirt, and ask for details about the affair. The more sordid the better. In a sense, he was hitting on her and she was feeding off the attention from him, although, in her fog, she viewed him as a close friend. To me, his actions were more like a FB peeping tom than really seeking an affair. From looking at his FB posts, I suspect he does this with a lot of female friends. By looking at his open wall much later, I could see one woman was about to take him up on the opportunity to visit in person and he completely bailed on her. He's been divorced and seems to get off wreaking havoc on other marriages. Anyhow, I eventually figured out how to snoop on her chats with OM3, which gave me a window into her true thoughts.

2 months after she lost her job, she admitted to OM3 that she was about to meet OM1 again (breaking second NC promise) and that she had had a ONS with OM2. Then, she had an explicit FB sexting session with OM3. Also around this time, she kept googling other old boyfriends. (My theory is that somehow she felt that keeping her physical cheating to old boyfriends reduced the "****-i-ness" of her behavior.)

I chose not to confront her about her planned meeting with OM1 as I didn't want her to figure out how I was keeping tabs. I confirmed she did meet OM1 for lunch (using GPS) during a trip, but the location and duration made it pretty clear it was not physical.

When I got home, I asked for a divorce. I confronted her about her behavior with OM1, OM2, and OM3. She admitted it all, although she claimed OM3 was just "joking around."

She asked for time to think. After a couple of weeks she asked for reconciliation. I agreed. (I'm sure many who get this far will think I'm nuts, but I wanted to go the extra mile to see if I could save the marriage for our kids.)

R started ok, fighting subsided, conversation started, but there was no physical contact. A couple of months later, she got the sense I was still checking up on her and she got a lot colder, although she never resumed any of the affairs as far as I could tell. 

Last fall, I gave her a gift that clearly symbolized a re-engagement in our marriage. She got really angry, supposedly because "we couldn't afford it." I almost ended it then, but stalled because "it was almost the holidays" and I really didn't want to give up.

About 4 months ago, it felt like genuine reconciliation began. She got a new job that makes her feel fulfilled career-wise again. She never dropped OM3 from FB, but she essentially stopped getting on FB. She stopped being on the computer all the time. She genuinely started engaging with me, engaging with our family. She seems genuinely out of the fog and over the mourning. She seems happy. Yet, still, she's unwilling to have any physical contact and she never used the gift I gave her to symbolize recommitment.

Our only fight since genuine reconciliation began was this past weekend, when in casual conversation with her family while I was sitting there, she told an amusing anecdote that happened to be about OM2 (her old boyfriend from high school who her family had known well), as if she had truly forgotten about ONS with OM2. I was furious, unable to get angry or leave without causing a scene with her family. Instead, I got hammered and went to bed. (Not the best solution.) In the morning, she actually initiated a conversation about our marriage and genuinely apologized for her behavior. These are not skills she's evinced in the past, so in some strange sense, it felt like progress towards reconciliation.

Where we are today: I'm feeling much more relaxed, much less anxious, but no less vigilant. There's no physical contact between us, but we are genuinely engaging non-physically in a "close friends" way. I'm watching enough to be very sure that she's not resumed the affair. I'm mentally prepared to file for divorce at a moment's notice if I catch wind of anything. I've told her I need emotional and physical intimacy to stay in the marriage, and she's flat out said she's not ready. She seems happy while acting as if the affairs never happened.

How I feel: I've grieved the death of my marriage and now I'm here to see if something new shows up. I'm determined to never have my trust abused again. I'm lonely due to the lack of intimacy and emotional connection. I'm still feeling duty-bound to preserve the marriage if I feel it's a good environment and good example to our kids, but I'm not much in love with her anymore. I'm a good father and a good husband, doing my part but not pushing her farther than she wants. Most days I feel emotionally numb and burned out. I'm in a half-assed reconciliation, thanks to my mistakes during the attempt to save the marriage (only a partial 180) and how slowly she's willing to take emotional risks. I still think about getting divorced every single day. I also think I might still feel love for her if she made me feel wanted. I feel pretty stalled out.

Observations welcome. I'm sure y'all can point out a dozen mistakes I've made and continue to make.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Slap!

That's me smacking your head. Obviously you want to live like a celibate monk, otherwise you wouldn't let her dictate the terms of the reconciliation. I think you forgive to fast, and you didn't make her truly feel remorse for her actions. Three affairs? Come on! That's serial behavior. It's only a matter of time for a fourth, if it's not underground already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Seriously? She cheated on her first H and you were the OM before she got divorced. Uh, did you really think she would have changed? 
Get her bags packed and move on with your life.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Slap!
> 
> That's me smacking your head. Obviously you want to live like a celibate monk, otherwise you wouldn't let her dictate the terms of the reconciliation. I think you forgive to fast, and you didn't make her truly feel remorse for her actions. Three affairs? Come on! That's serial behavior. It's only a matter of time for a fourth, if it's not underground already.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:

You're not her husband anymore, you're her dad making sure she doesn't get into any more trouble.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Comments are well deserved.

I was dumb to marry her. I was run over by the karma bus. She's followed the same pattern over and over in her life (cheat to fulfill an emotional void). As naive as it sounds, I think she's genuinely been trying to change for the last 4 months. Chances are she'll fail. I'm prepared for that and basically expecting it. I figure it's about 1/100 or 1/1000 that she'll really change. But, I do think she might.

If I have a faint hope of reconciliation, question is what to do different other than pack her bags and say get lost.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I doubt there's much hope left. She has a very long history and zebras don't lose their stripes. In short time, she will decide to screw around again and she'll expect you to do forgive and forget. This is not healthy for you.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

My story is much like yours. When I was ready to chuck it all a few months ago, I made a comment that her continuing to go back to yer longest EA partner was like an addiction (given that both of her parents are alcoholics, making her predisposed to an addictive personality). She immediately got up, began researching sex and love addiction, took a 40 question self-assessment and found that she met the criteria for sex & love addiction. She found a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous group, began attending meetings, and can now recognize her behaviors and knows to seek help from mysel or her sponsor if she feels those patterns and behaviors trying to re-emerge. Her psychiatrist doesn't agree with the determination, but that's as much because sex addiction is not a clinically recognized diagnosis. He does, however, agree that if she is benefitting from following the SLAA program, she should continue to do so.

Your wife may or may not fit the mold (sounds to me like she might, though), but that may be something to consider moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Grayson, thanks for the thought. I agree she seems to fit the mold of alleviating depression through the endorphin rush of an affair, coupled with guilt over her behavior that triggers a new cycle of depression. She also has an auto-immune disease which probably also contributes to the cycle.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

totallyconfused said:


> \
> 
> How I feel: I've grieved the death of my marriage and now I'm here to see if something new shows up. I'm determind to never have my trust abused again. I'm lonely due to the *lack of intimacy and emotional connection*. I'm still feeling* duty-bound *to preserve the marriage if I feel it's a good environment and good example to our kids, *but I'm not much in love with her anymore*. I'm a good father and a good husband, doing my part but not pushing her farther than she wants. Most days I feel *emotionally numb *and burned out. I'm in a half-assed reconciliation, thanks to my mistakes during the attempt to save the marriage (only a partial 180) and how slowly she's willing to take emotional risks. I still think about getting divorced every single day. I also think* I might still feel love for her if she made me feel wanted.* I feel pretty stalled out.
> 
> Observations welcome. I'm sure y'all can point out a dozen mistakes I've made and continue to make.


You answered all your own questions. 

Your relationship sounds like you feel responsible for her. 
You aren't.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

"you're her dad making sure she doesn't get into any more trouble. "

"Your relationship sounds like you feel responsible for her. "

Thanks. I have more thinking to do.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

totallyconfused said:


> Grayson, thanks for the thought. I agree she seems to fit the mold of alleviating depression through the endorphin rush of an affair, coupled with guilt over her behavior that triggers a new cycle of depression.


From what we've read, this is a classic addiction cycle, and one that my wife recognized in her own behavior. If you'd like, I'll send you a link to the site for the main organization that my wife's group operates under, and the titles of some of the books that have been recommended to her by the group.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Please do. That would be very helpful.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"There's no physical contact between us, but we are genuinely engaging non-physically in a "close friends" way."- She see's you as her bother now, and you're both living like roomates. Good luck with that my friend.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

I recently read " Project: Happily ever after" by Alisa Bowman. 
It's a real life story of a woman who didn't lover her husband anymore found a way to turn it around. It's an easy read and witty. 
Your wife may enjoy reading it and it may show her how she can be pro-active in re-gaining love and desire for you.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Thanks. I'll look for that title.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

She doesn't love you anymore. 

~sammy


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