# Texts Lies and Coverup



## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

This is what brought me to TAM. I'm not even sure where to begin with this. I could write several pages. But I will try to stay with just the meat and potatoes of it. We have been married for 23 yrs. We have two children a son, 22 and daughter, 16

DH left his previous job at an automotive plant as a maintenance manager in mid-July 2017, he had 14 employees working under him, all males except for his assistant (we'll call her J) and the woman who ran the tool crib/supply. He started his new job of the same title at a different plant (non-automotive) The very next week.

A couple weeks later he started getting texts on his personal cell phone from J. I know this because I asked who keeps texting? He told me J. So I casually asked what was she texting about. He says about work (at his previous job) and how things are so screwed up there, which is one of the reasons why he left. And he'd give advise on how to fix a problem on a machine. To which I said It really shouldn't be any of his concern since he no longer works there and they had already hired a new maintenance manager to take his place. So I let it go and didn't think much of it at the time. 

Between this time and the end of September I figured they were probably still texting “about work”. He'd go to his “man cave” in the evenings which is upstairs and I stayed down stairs mostly because I had injured my knee at the end of August (torn meniscus) and wasn't getting around very well at all.

So fast forward to Thursday, Sept 28 2017 (yes, this date is ingrained in my brain). I knew DH was on his way home from work and I hadn't cooked supper, was having a really hard time staying on my feet with the knee – and meds weren't helping much. So I was trying to call him to see if he wanted to get take out on his way home. I called his cell phone, went to voice mail. So I hung up and tried calling his new work cell phone, still no answer went to voicemail. He gets home about 15 minutes later and as he is walking through the door, he is hanging up the phone (his personal phone). I said to him that I tired calling him a few times on both phones and didn't get an answer, waning to see if he would pick something up on the way home. He said he never got a call. I said, well I know I called both phones a couple times each, both rang a few times then went to voice mail. So I asked who was he just talking to? He said it was J. So I kind of made a joking smart*** remark like, Oh you'll take her calls but not mine? And OMG! He flew into a rage. Which floored me! He has never done that before. I can honestly say I have NO CLUE what he said to me, I had never heard him scream at me like that before. I just froze until he was done and I walked (hobbled) off. After I gathered myself I went back to him and said I would appreciate it if he would block her number. He said fine. And I watched him as he did so. And I asked for her number, he willingly gave it to me. I wanted it to keep tabs on the phone bill to see if maybe he unblocked her later. After that evening I never saw her number on our bills again. I thought all was ok.

Fast forward to the middle of June this year. Call it woman's intuition, etc, whatever. For a couple of weeks I just suddenly got this feeling that all was not right – I had an upset stomach to TWO flippin' weeks!! So I finally decided to do some digging. On July 8, that Sunday morning I went to our bedroom locked the door to get dressed to go workout (I had my knee surgery back in Feb and was advised by my phys. Therapist to do some leg training to build my muscles in my leg back up). His work phone was on the side table by the bed charging. I thought I was a good opportunity to look through it right quick. It does have a passcode, but it was easily breached. I went straight to his contacts to see if J was in there. I got to the J's and she wasn't there, which I felt a little relieved until I scrolled all the way down to the bottom. I saw a contact listed as UNKNOWN, and guess who's number it was – J's. I started freaking out a bit. But I held my composer and took my phone and took a picture of the contact/number and all the texts between them. I got the pics, left the bedroom and we went to work out. It was stewing in me all day. So later that night as he was going to bed, I asked him (with my voice recorder on my phone on) since he blocked J back in September has he ever talked to her in person, on the phone or text her? To which he said “No. I promise. The only thing is I saw her the other morning and she waved at me as she was pulling into her workplace.” So I said, Ok. I left the bedroom, came back and showed him the pictures. I honestly wished I had video of his jaw on the floor. I asked him why did he do this? His answer: I don't know. I don't know. I guess I knew you'd get mad if you knew. She's just a friend. TEN months he hid it from me. The texts were mostly about her problems and complaining about work (where dh used to work), how she wanted to come and be his assistant as his new job. He'd do anything he could for her to help her find a new job (she got herself fired). Luckily there were no positions for her at his current place of employment. And other texts were back and forth bantering. How much she hated that he left his job there. Blah Blah Blah. 

I did take his work phone (with his permission) and text her to never text this number again. He blocked her on FB and on Linkedin. A day or so later he got a text from one of his former work buddies asking whats going on with him and J that she's all upset. Which he didn't answer, just told him it was private business.

I am furious that he lied to me and hid it from me and when confronted about it, denied, denied, denied until I showed him the proof. We always said we'd be open and honest with each other. It felt like a baseball bat to the gut. 

Some weird stuff happened 10 years ago, but I never had any proof of anything except his behavior, hygiene/appearance changed, stopped drinking cold turkey, and started going back to church – just all of a sudden with in a few weeks. So I don't know if this is significant or not. 

I'm I overreacting? Am I making a mountain out of molehills? I'm just confused as to where to go from here. Thoughts, advise would be appreciated. TIA

I hope I'm posting this in the correct forum?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I feel nothing happened so just let it go.. No sexual stuff like, pics, texts, etc.. It sounds legite. Sure, I think she got very comfortable with him at work and just having trouble letting go. Now that she is no longer at her work and your hubby is at a new place-- They have nothing to talk about. She needs a job and looking to work with spouse because it's a familiar relationship. Hopefully, she will find employment elsewhere and not where spouse is working.

It's good that you stood your ground and let your expectations be met!! Just continue to do so. Stick to your intuition, keep calm and investigate till you get the facts. Men may think it's harmless, but women know what is really going on.


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## MellieMel (Apr 27, 2018)

Any secret or lack of truth is crushing to the trust in a committed relationship.

If it was all so innocent about work and things, why hide it for nearly a year? Maybe he didn't cheat, but he still broke your trust. And that is a hard thing to overcome. It's going to take some work for sure. Have you discussed with him how to correct this? Have you discussed with him ever the behavior changes he had 10 years ago? I think you need to communicate it all with him, how it makes you feel. Be open and honest about it all, and see if hes willing to discuss it without blowing a gasket. If he blows again, then I think there was more to everything then what you saw or are seeing. He should be able to discuss it like a rational adult, if it was all so innocent.

Maybe some counseling is in order? Is he still attending church and willing to do some counseling there?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MellieMel said:


> Maybe some counseling is in order? Is he still attending church and willing to do some counseling there?


Yeah, may be easier to discuss calmly in front of a neutral third party


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

Regardless of whether he was unfaithful in any way, the fact that he lied to you for so long is a major breach of trust. It will take a while to build that trust back. I definitely think counseling can be helpful for that. 

You are not making something out of nothing. But if you want to make things better it would be wise to try to work on the situation rather than quietly stewing on your resentment for the long term.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

I’d be snooping around for a hidden burner phone. He was caught last summer. If I had more going on than some innocent “work related” texting, I’d blow a gasket myself when confronted. Don’t think for a minute that he did not learn from that mistake. You may have found legit texting on his work phone, but he has shown his lack of integrity. There is a reason he talks to her on his work phone. You can’t check records to see if he really sent 350 texts (yes, my wife and her preacher texted this much) a day or the 10 “work related” texts that you actually found. He may have deleted the others. I would keep my eyes and ears open and don’t go to him with evidence you find from now on unless you find solid proof. Just take notes. Otherwise, he will just learn to hide it better. If he has hobbies separate from you like fishing, hunting, cattle, golf, I’d check up once in awhile in a friend’s car. Trust but verify.


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

It's hard to be a good spouse and a good private investigator at the same time. If you want to repair your marriage, you are better off going to a counselor together than trying to catch him doing more bad things.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Personally, I don't think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Okay, all of the texts sound pretty innocent, and that's good. The part that bothers me though is that he hid it from you for so long. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Have you guys considered couple's counselling?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You found smoke....and guess what, there's fire! Maybe a small one, but a fire no less. 

Trust your gut. That yelling match...You guessed it! Gaslighting and blameshifting.

When he tells you...."she's just a friend". Minimizing and trickle truthing.


You are in infidelity. And now, you need to get out. You already confronted him, so that cat is out of the bag. But you still need to set YOUR boundaries. What you want and need to feel safe for him as a partner and spouse. It's time to "Come to Jesus" for him. He needs to publicly OUT his "friend" J. And you need to possibly get a truth examination or lie detection. Have him make a timeline and find out what he expects in this marriage. Does he even want to be in it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The lies and the coverup are the problem. I had a similar situation with my ex-husband. The short version is I didn't like the relationship he had with an employee (that continued when she became an ex-employee) so he hid it for years. When I found out, he swore they were only friends. I bought his story the first time. I didn't buy it the second time. 

Be very, very careful when dealing with a deceitful spouse.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

Here are the two texts between DH and J I found a couple years earlier that I guess kept my radar piqued. I don't know, to me, just seems a little inappropriate.

[Edited] Ugh...pics didn't come through. I'll try again later.

Since I can't the pic of the actual texts to come through I'll just type them out myself.

The first one:

J: Your bobcats are here
DH: Sweet
J: We going to take them for a spin
DH: Hell yea


The second one:

DH: I gotta get one of those vests and some of those pants
J: Yes they are quite sexy
DH: Control yourself

(obviously there was actual face to face conversation about that before this 2nd text.)

WhoTF says that to their employee and back to their boss?


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## MellieMel (Apr 27, 2018)

BeautifulTrama said:


> Here are the two texts between DH and J I found a couple years earlier that I guess kept my radar piqued. I don't know, to me, just seems a little inappropriate.
> 
> [Edited] Ugh...pics didn't come through. I'll try again later.



without more context I'm afraid I can't comment on any picture text? were they talking about a machine at work glitching or were they talking about her being nude? No clue, so can't say there was anything wrong with it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> I feel nothing happened so just let it go


Except something DID happen. He deceived his wife for almost a year.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

MellieMel said:


> without more context I'm afraid I can't comment on any picture text? were they talking about a machine at work glitching or were they talking about her being nude? No clue, so can't say there was anything wrong with it.


I just re-edited that post, I typed the texts out.


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## MellieMel (Apr 27, 2018)

There is definitely some inappropriate conversation happening. But, to me it doesn't appear to cross a line. Your DH did say "control yourself" to her. But irregardless he didn't consider your feelings about these conversations whether they were just friends or not. You asked him once to stop, then he hid it behind your back for almost a year. There is no excuse. You need to demand some counseling to help you two navigate through this. I would bring it up to him, just tell him you are having a hard time getting over the pain of being lied to and having your trust being broken and you need counseling with him to help!


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

MellieMel said:


> Any secret or lack of truth is crushing to the trust in a committed relationship.
> 
> If it was all so innocent about work and things, why hide it for nearly a year? Maybe he didn't cheat, but he still broke your trust. And that is a hard thing to overcome. It's going to take some work for sure. Have you discussed with him how to correct this? Have you discussed with him ever the behavior changes he had 10 years ago? I think you need to communicate it all with him, how it makes you feel. Be open and honest about it all, and see if hes willing to discuss it without blowing a gasket. If he blows again, then I think there was more to everything then what you saw or are seeing. He should be able to discuss it like a rational adult, if it was all so innocent.
> 
> Maybe some counseling is in order? Is he still attending church and willing to do some counseling there?


I have talked to him, since all this other came out, about 10 years ago - he doesn't remember much of it according to him. He says he can't remember stuff like I can. 

LOL, no he isn't still attending church. That lasted maybe a month.
I agree, he should have discussed it with me instead of leading me to believe he dealt with it then and there. I told him I wished he would have instead of hiding it and lying about it when asked about it 10 months later.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

Openminded said:


> The lies and the coverup are the problem. I had a similar situation with my ex-husband. The short version is I didn't like the relationship he had with an employee (that continued when she became an ex-employee) so he hid it for years. When I found out, he swore they were only friends. I bought his story the first time. I didn't buy it the second time.
> 
> Be very, very careful when dealing with a deceitful spouse.


This^^^^^

You see, I have been that POS husband years ago. That is why I am here to help. I have been on both sides. You will see a lot of men in forums and in person that will never admit this though. Your husband will have to see and feel the hurt and loss of trust he has caused to your marriage. Some never do. Some get cheated on themselves, get their pride hurt, and quietly move on to the next. Of course, he tells the next woman that his ex gained weight, lost interest in sex, became selfish and spent all of his money. Hhmmm, no mention of his cheating.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

Raffi said:


> Regardless of whether he was unfaithful in any way, the fact that he lied to you for so long is a major breach of trust. It will take a while to build that trust back. I definitely think counseling can be helpful for that.
> 
> You are not making something out of nothing. But if you want to make things better it would be wise to try to work on the situation rather than quietly stewing on your resentment for the long term.


Exactly. I honestly don't care if he has female friends as long as he and/or she doesn't step over boundaries. I believe texts, conversations, etc between colleagues should stay professional. I just don't like be lied to.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

Openminded said:


> The lies and the coverup are the problem. I had a similar situation with my ex-husband. The short version is I didn't like the relationship he had with an employee (that continued when she became an ex-employee) so he hid it for years. When I found out, he swore they were only friends. I bought his story the first time. I didn't buy it the second time.
> 
> Be very, very careful when dealing with a deceitful spouse.


I will definitely keep my radar up, no doubt.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

MellieMel said:


> There is definitely some inappropriate conversation happening. But, to me it doesn't appear to cross a line. Your DH did say "control yourself" to her. But irregardless he didn't consider your feelings about these conversations whether they were just friends or not. You asked him once to stop, then he hid it behind your back for almost a year. There is no excuse. You need to demand some counseling to help you two navigate through this. I would bring it up to him, just tell him you are having a hard time getting over the pain of being lied to and having your trust being broken and you need counseling with him to help!


I agree. I think we do need counseling.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

BeautifulTrama said:


> I have talked to him, since all this other came out, about 10 years ago - he doesn't remember much of it according to him. He says he can't remember stuff like I can.
> 
> LOL, no he isn't still attending church. That lasted maybe a month.
> I agree, he should have discussed it with me instead of leading me to believe he dealt with it then and there. I told him I wished he would have instead of hiding it and lying about it when asked about it 10 months later.


Church is a committment. If you are in church and right with God, you will want to do things that glorify Him. He needs to be in church when you are in church if at all possible. I missed many years with my wife and children because it was not a priority to me. Never again.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

rv10flyer said:


> Church is a committment. If you are in church and right with God, you will want to do things that glorify Him. He needs to be in church when you are in church if at all possible. I missed many years with my wife and children because it was not a priority to me. Never again.



We both stopped going 15 yrs ago. And then 10 yrs ago he all of a sudden decided he needed to go which didn't last long. We're not religious.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BeautifulTrama said:


> We both stopped going 15 yrs ago. And then 10 yrs ago he all of a sudden decided he needed to go which didn't last long. We're not religious.


I wonder what he did 10 years ago that made him suddenly feel he had to get right with God.

I'm willing to bet it was a LOT more than a few texts.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Raffi said:


> It's hard to be a good spouse and a good private investigator at the same time. If you want to repair your marriage, you are better off going to a counselor together than trying to catch him doing more bad things.


 Yes, burying your head in the sand and going to some therapist to hear all about the 5 Love Languages is MUCH better than finding out the whole *truth*, isn't it? 

BeautifulTrama, I think you'd said you got her phone number from him 10 months ago so you could check the cell bill to see if her number was still appearing on it after you made him go NC with her. You said their contact stopped completely (that's usually an indication he's purchased a burner phone or has started using a chat app). He may have renamed her in his contacts as "Unknown" but that wouldn't keep her number from showing up on your *cell bill* every month. Had you stopped checking the cell bill months ago, or is he so unbelievably stupid that he thought if he renamed her 'unknown' in his contacts that would also keep her number off the cell phone bill?

I just think he was smart enough NOT to write anything incriminating in his texts, is all. I know LOTS of guys who absolutely refuse to put anything in writing that could get them in trouble now or 10 years down the road. They won't do it.

A woman's intuition is about as accurate as it gets. Your gut was screaming to you and there's a reason for it. 

I wouldn't be so sure those texts are the ONLY communication between these two.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your husband was either walking along the slippery slope, or he actually slipped down the hill.

Red flags:
1. His becoming irate, and turning into a different person when you challenged their relationship.

2. Keeping her in his contacts under a secret name.

3. Texting her for another year.

4. Elaborate lying about being in contact with her when you asked him about it.

5. His reaction (jaw on floor) when you showed him the evidence.

*****6.***** ALL THE HOURS HE SPENT TEXTING AND PROBABLY SPEAKING WITH HER OVER THE YEAR. That is a lot of time and effort spent on another woman, that should have been spent with you.

Your husband was/is having an Emotional Affair, even if they don't speak about love.

If this relationship continues, it will become more intimate, both emotionally and physically.

You need to lay down the law. What are you willing to do if he ever speaks with her again? He needs to know your boundary, and you need to make sure he knows that you will not falter if he crosses it even once more.

(I'm triggered reading your post. When my husband was in his affair, I was not aware there was an OW. His personality changed, and he became irate with me in an instant over small things. He had never behaved that way, ever, in 19 years of marriage. Since the ending of the affair, he has never been that way again. I instantly sensed something was "different" in him. I attributed it to him being demon possessed, seriously. I actually said, "Get behind me Satan!" both times he behaved that way. Those were the only two times in 28 years of marriage that I ever sensed him being possessed by a "different spirit." His personality changed because he was keeping a dark secret, and he didn't care about me anymore, or he was guarding her. That is also why your husband flew into a rage.)


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yes, burying your head in the sand and going to some therapist to hear all about the 5 Love Languages is MUCH better than finding out the whole *truth*, isn't it?
> 
> BeautifulTrama, I think you'd said you got her phone number from him 10 months ago so you could check the cell bill to see if her number was still appearing on it after you made him go NC with her. You said their contact stopped completely (that's usually an indication he's purchased a burner phone or has started using a chat app). He may have renamed her in his contacts as "Unknown" but that wouldn't keep her number from showing up on your *cell bill* every month. Had you stopped checking the cell bill months ago, or is he so unbelievably stupid that he thought if he renamed her 'unknown' in his contacts that would also keep her number off the cell phone bill?
> 
> ...


He put her number in is work phone under UNKNOWN. So I have NO way to get to those phone logs.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

MellieMel said:


> There is definitely some inappropriate conversation happening. But, to me it doesn't appear to cross a line. Your DH did say "control yourself" to her.



I honestly think he was looking for a reaction from her for his own ego and said "control yourself" as a little teasing. But when I asked about it, he made light of it and said they were making fun of another employee. Even so, I just find it inappropriate (even the "making fun of" if that were the case).


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

I do have the old personal iphone he had before he recently got a new android. I may see if I can restore anything that may have been deleted with the Dr Fone program. Has anyone had any success using it? He is out of town on business in another state and won't be back until Thursday. I may try it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

BeautifulTrama said:


> I went to our bedroom locked the door to get dressed to go workout


Why do you lock the door to the bedroom when you get dressed?

He's never seen you naked?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ugh, this thread triggers me too. 

I agree with others who have suggested there is a burner phone. I find it unbelievable that anyone would go to such lengths to lie to their spouse to hide innocent texts between friends. If there isn't a burner phone, then there is likely another app that they use to chat on, so it doesn't show on your phone bill. One wife here found her H and his OW had been chatting on Google Hangouts. Whatsapp is another one that gets used a lot. Snapchat. Even if there has been nothing physical going on, this is still betrayal because your H KNEW how you felt about this, yet continued and lied about it, and was giving attention and energy to her that should have been directed to YOU, his wife. You will not be able to trust him until this is worked through, hopefully he realizes this and puts in the work.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

Trident said:


> Why do you lock the door to the bedroom when you get dressed?
> 
> He's never seen you naked?



Seriously? LMBO! We have others living in our home too (kids) - and we always keep our bedroom door shut because it's right in line/view of the front door to the outside of the house, so I always make sure I lock it if I'm undressing in case someone walks in. I mean, how awkward it would be for me and my teenage/adult kids?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

BeautifulTrama said:


> Seriously? LMBO! We have others living in our home too (kids) - and we always keep our bedroom door shut because it's right in line/view of the front door to the outside of the house, so I always make sure I lock it if I'm undressing in case someone walks in. I mean, how awkward it would be for me and my teenage/adult kids?


Ok just seems weird. Mature 16 and 22 year olds typically won't just burst into a closed bedroom without knocking. I was wondering if your relationship had deteriorated to the point that you don't get undressed in front of him. I tend to read between the lines when I read posts oftentimes you learn more about the people involved than if you look at the more obvious stuff.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Trident said:


> Ok just seems weird. Mature 16 and 22 year olds typically won't just burst into a closed bedroom without knocking. I was wondering if your relationship had deteriorated to the point that you don't get undressed in front of him. I tend to read between the lines when I read posts oftentimes you learn more about the people involved than if you look at the more obvious stuff.


Imaginary deterioration does not excuse purposeful deception.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Imaginary deterioration does not excuse purposeful deception.


What about real deterioration?


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

Trident said:


> Ok just seems weird. Mature 16 and 22 year olds typically won't just burst into a closed bedroom without knocking. I was wondering if your relationship had deteriorated to the point that you don't get undressed in front of him. I tend to read between the lines when I read posts oftentimes you learn more about the people involved than if you look at the more obvious stuff.


I have clients that come over to pick up their orders (I do custom decorative cookies from home) and I don't want them peering into our bedroom, so the door stays shut. Our bathroom is the biggest one in the house, so it holds most of the essentials needed where there's not much storage in the other bathrooms, plus medicines, etc and so yes they have access to that when the door isn't locked. If it is locked then they have to wait. This is getting off topic.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Trident said:


> What about real deterioration?


For people with character, deception is not okay even when they aren't getting their way.

Why, do you think her husband was justified in lying to her for nearly a year?


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Your husband was either walking along the slippery slope, or he actually slipped down the hill.
> 
> Red flags:
> 1. His becoming irate, and turning into a different person when you challenged their relationship.
> ...


Yes. Pay attention to experience. And they worked through it like we did. Not easy, but it can be done when both put in the effort.


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## BeautifulTrama (Aug 7, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ugh, this thread triggers me too.
> 
> I agree with others who have suggested there is a burner phone. I find it unbelievable that anyone would go to such lengths to lie to their spouse to hide innocent texts between friends. If there isn't a burner phone, then there is likely another app that they use to chat on, so it doesn't show on your phone bill. One wife here found her H and his OW had been chatting on Google Hangouts. Whatsapp is another one that gets used a lot. Snapchat. Even if there has been nothing physical going on, this is still betrayal because your H KNEW how you felt about this, yet continued and lied about it, and was giving attention and energy to her that should have been directed to YOU, his wife. You will not be able to trust him until this is worked through, hopefully he realizes this and puts in the work.


I'm so sorry this is triggering for you. Absolutely. A huge betrayal of trust. Trust is a huge issue for me. Sadly, some play with it like it's a toy.:frown2:


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Most men won't text a woman for over a year just to be friends ... he was getting something emotional or hoping for a PA. 
Place a voice activated recorder is his car.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

BeautifulTrama said:


> I'm so sorry this is triggering for you. Absolutely. A huge betrayal of trust. Trust is a huge issue for me. Sadly, some play with it like it's a toy.:frown2:


Hey no need for apologies! It is what it is, all good!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Robert22205 said:


> Most men won't text a woman for over a year just to be friends ... he was getting something emotional or hoping for a PA.
> Place a voice activated recorder is his car.


Exactly^^^^

Men are objective orientated. Hook, line, sinker... I doubt he wanted a mani-pedi and just gossip time!

My wife's cad called her phone in the middle of the night. Oh yeah, work related...hmmmfff. I deliberately went to her work to just to find him and say "hi". Ya know, hang out and ish..... He avoided me like the freakin' plague. hahaha.

That's when you know that something doesn't smell right. Friends my azz! 

You want to watch them squirm? And have a bit of black humor to go along with it? Make a lunch for hubby and HER. Take it to his work. And blamo! Watch the jaws hit the floor! Remember, cheaters want to stay hidden. It's pretty hard when BS makes the OW a sandwich! Because...Their just "friends" right?!0


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Definitely a sign of trouble that husband would keep these conversations as a secret.

For some reason, though, description of scenario strikes me as a guy who was just trying to avoid headache of dealing with what he considers "irrational" or "paranoid impulses" of his spouse. Left to its own devices, it would have died a natural death of friends falling out of touch. Instead, making a big deal out of the contact very well could have been a spark that made husband feel weak / emasculated being told he could no longer talk with old work colleague. Instead of snuffing out an Emotional Affair in the bud, it actually fueled the development of an otherwise platonic relationship into a full blown Emotional Affair. Essential, husband gets "I'll show her" rationale for continuing conversation in the secret.

The above scenario may or may not reflect reality. And it certainly would not make the husband right. But it might make it easier to understand / diagnose your situation. It would be interesting to know, for instance, if husband has complained of OP's controlling nature in the past. His actions - based on your description - are somewhat consistent with a man who's tired of being "under the wife's thumb." 

No excuses for his action, and you are right to be concerned. But it would not surprise me to see the resentment trailing rolling on both sides of the track in this relationship.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

This thread is a couple simple actions short of exploding. 

Triggered here as well. 

Using a VAR can be an intimidating rush, but extremely worthwhile. Googleing how to navigate around your spouse's cell phone, you know, the dark and dusty corners and hidden areas, is time well spent as well. Phone GPS, recently deleted items, etc.
But that's only if you REALLY want the TRUTH right now in your situation.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

BeautifulTrama said:


> Oh you'll take her calls but not mine? And OMG! He flew into a rage. Which floored me! He has never done that before.
> 
> After that evening I never saw her number on our bills again. I thought all was ok.
> 
> ...


Why was she driving near his work in the morning? (I don't believe in coincidences in cheating.) I suspect they were meeting up. I would bet on it.

What would keep her from accompanying him on his business trips?

When you asked if he had talked to her, he lied to your face until you gave him evidence.

I think if he or she wants to continue contacting, they will find a way.

When I have left jobs, I have stayed in contact with employees. I don't recall joking about "sexy," but it is possible that something like that could be said. It wasn't prevalent. And I never texted between employees. I did usually try to bring people who I felt was loyal to me to the new job. I prefer having employees who are loyal to me, people I brought in, as opposed to dealing with the current employees, who may have loyalties elsewhere. However, since your husband has not mentioned this, I doubt it has come into play. Plus, I would never lie to my spouse (or anyone else) about that.

My main problem is the (I assume he says "coincedence"?) "J sighting" while he was coming into work. She knows darn well where he works. I don't believe in coincidence in cheating. A lot of cheaters weave some truth with lies. "I just happened to run into her" actually could be that they planned to meet, and has been doing it regularly.

If you have funds, I suggest getting a private investigator to check out a business trip or two and a few morning drives to work.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

What you caught was an Emotional Affair in place. Left unchecked it would of developed into a full blown affair.

Keep your radar up. They might find new ways to communicate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Trident said:


> Ok just seems weird. Mature 16 and 22 year olds typically won't just burst into a closed bedroom without knocking. I was wondering if your relationship had deteriorated to the point that you don't get undressed in front of him. I tend to read between the lines when I read posts oftentimes you learn more about the people involved than if you look at the more obvious stuff.


What about those that aren't mature? And what about when someone assumes someone is out, but they aren't?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BeautifulTrama said:


> I have talked to him, since all this other came out, about 10 years ago - he doesn't remember much of it according to him. *He says he can't remember stuff like I can. *


Heard that line before... pure cheater script.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Opposite sex friendships for married people are a problem if intimate conversation is involved. We all have OS friendships, mostly at work, but how we manage them is the key. I have female friends who I worked closely with in my past job that I maintain contact with still today, mostly by text. But before I hit the send button I always ask myself, "Would that text bother me if I was her spouse reading this?" Also, I don't text them regularly or often. 

Your husband's pattern is too frequent and the secretive nature is a glaring red flag. It doesn't seem like he has physically cheated, but there definitely seems to be an emotional component to their relationship, and it must end permanently. You handled this perfectly, and deep down your husband is glad that you care.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BeautifulTrama said:


> Here are the two texts between DH and J I found a couple years earlier that I guess kept my radar piqued. I don't know, to me, just seems a little inappropriate.
> 
> WhoTF says that to their employee and back to their boss?


Someone who is having AT LEAST AN emotional affair with their employee. 

I am not prepared to say that he is cheating again, but I am suspicious. And as well from what you have written it is kind of hard to say if they have ever slept together. 

But one thing that you know for sure is that this relationship is out of bounds, which you knew when you found her number under Unknown. 

Question is, what are you gong to do about it...


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

BeautifulTrama said:


> Exactly. I honestly don't care if he has female friends as long as he and/or she doesn't step over boundaries. I believe texts, conversations, etc between colleagues should stay professional. I just don't like be lied to.


I don't know anyone who does. Even if no boundaries have been crossed (yet), it is bad for the marriage for there to be secrets. If his response is to get mad at you, I would highly recommend counseling. (Did I mention I'm a marriage counselor? I unfortunately know from professional experience where this goes if you don't attend to it...)


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yes, burying your head in the sand and going to some therapist to hear all about the 5 Love Languages is MUCH better than finding out the whole *truth*, isn't it?


A marriage counselor who responds to a breach of trust by talking about the Five Love Languages is not doing a very good job. I would recommend seeing a GOOD marriage counselor, not a BAD one. :smile2:

It's not like there are two choices - bury your head in the sand or snoop around on your husband. I think full transparency will be important. But if you coerce, trick, swindle him into it, you are highly unlikely to make the relationship better. (If all you want is catch him red-handed and then throw him out, then by all means go the investigative route. If you're looking to repair the relationship, I wouldn't recommend it.)


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BT,

It's mostly non-sense that a spouse does not remember cheating, unless he has continued to cheat in which case I agree it would not stand out. Monogamy is difficult on a man and I remember every woman I've turned down to stay faithful to my W and I tell my W when it happens. 

I would suggest you get him a polygraph if he is telling the truth he will have no objection, if he is still withholding he will come up with tons of excuses like liars do when found out.

Get him to fess up you don't want to waste more years of your life with this doubt.

Tamat


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@BeautifulTrama how are things going for you?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You need to resolve this. I strongly suggest you both read:

"Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal." by Dr Glass

It's available 'used' on Amazon and it puts you both on the same page with respect to discussing: "we're just friends".


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