# Considering divorce but scared of husband



## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

Hi all, 

I have bounced back and forth with the thought of leaving my husband since we have been together (7 years, married for 4). We now have an 8 month old son and I can’t bear the thought of sharing custody and not being able to see my son every day. 

My husband can be very mean. He has insulted me almost every which way during arguments, from me being a terrible mother, that I should be on medication, that I have daddy issues, that I bring our finances down, that I am a liability, the list goes on and on. When he gets angry, there is no limit to the insults he hurls at me and when I try to talk to him reasonably and tell him that I am upset, he laughs at me. 

He also has had moments where I believe he has tried to harm me physically. This past weekend we were coming home with our son in the back when we started arguing in the car. He was driving. As we pulled into our driveway and we’re waiting for the garage door to open he told me to “pick up whatever just f***ing fell in the garage”. I told him no and got out of the car while we were still in the driveway (there is not enough room in our garage so whoever is in the passenger seat must get out before pulling into the garage). When i stepped out of the car, he put it into reverse, knocking me backwards. I caught my footing before falling to the ground. Apparently he didn’t like that i told him no. He told me again to pick up whatever was in the way in the garage and instead I picked up the piece of wire shelving and moved it more in the way as I was so mad at him for the way he just spoke to me and for basically hitting me with the car. He got out of the car screaming and threw the wire rack accross the garage. 

We continued to argue inside and I told him (for probably the 20th time) that I wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. He laughs at me when I say things like that and tells me I would be living on the streets if it wasn’t for me. 

I work full time but have student loans and don’t know how I would be able to afford to leave him, and he knows it. 

I am afraid he may attack me some day out of rage. And I have no idea how I would even try to leave him. He threatens me and says there is no way I could take our son or dog with me. 

Oh, he also owns the house my mom is renting, so most likely her and I would have to find a place to live together. I should mention he makes about 4 times what I make. 

Our whole marriage we have had terrible arguments and I am ashamed at the state of our marriage. I keep praying that we find a way to figure this out but things seem to be getting worse. 

I have a job interview next month that would pay much better, so that is my first step in the right direction. 

Sorry for the lengthy post, any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

I should add that I am specifically wondering what would happen if I do decide to leave one day and take our son and dog to my dads house? He has told me he would have me arrested for kidnapping if I ever thought of leaving with our son.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

was he always like this when you were dating? or did he change into a mean angry fool?

i don't blame you for wanting to leave him.

don't take the kids. i'm not a lawyer, but it might be unlawful to take them.
talk to a real lawyer about that. there are lawyers available online you can discuss with.
i don't think they can give you official advice online, but you can get a good idea for about 30-45 bucks.

then, at some point before you take any action, you're going to need to actually meet with a personal attorney to see what
your rights under the law are.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

His threats are empty, I'm pretty sure if he knows where you are with your son, that authorities are NOT going to consider it kidnapping. If I were you, I would go to your local police station and discuss with them what is going on, that you are afraid of him turning violent (he already is, he HIT YOU WITH THE CAR!) and that you want to leave him, which of course means taking your son with you. You can pursue a restraining order as well if that becomes necessary. As far as your finances go, he would be required to pay child support, and most likely alimony as well, depending on your state. Talk to an attorney and see what you need to do to protect yourself and how you can move forward. You NEED to get away from this man.


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

He was somewhat mean when we were dating, but over the years it has gotten progressively worse.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to a) keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at ALL times when you talk with him and b) get yourself to a lawyer just to get information on divorce in your area.

You need to be protected in case he DOES get violent and prevent a he said/she said incident. If he does get violent, call 911 ASAP.

As for the lawyer, you know that he WILL have to give you alimony/etc. which may help ease your financial worries if you move out. You should get your financial info together and go talk with a lawyer or two so that YOU understand what can happen if you go down that road. Don't let his threats of making you live on the streets keep you from looking into this stuff. Knowledge in this case IS power. DO NOT let him know that you are going to a lawyer though. 

Also, do you trust your mom not to say anything to him? If so, then talk with her as he may be vindictive enough to throw her out also.


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

I told him I have no intentions of keeping our son away from him, but there is no way I could leave without him. We could work out a custody plan. When I told him I couldn’t believe he had just hit me with the car, he laughed at me.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

We need you to contact social services in your city as soon as possible. You are under threat and duress, which is no way to be in any kind of marriage. You need to leave as long as the threat of physical violence is existent in your household. I cannot stress this more deeply, you are being threatened. These groups can and will assist you in swearing out restraining orders against your husband. Remember this, you can take your child from his if you believe there is imminent danger. The line he is feeding you about child kidnapping is bull. Period. Whatever city you are in has these services, they can arrange for your safety at a moments notice. Please do not stay in the household with the threat of violence over your head, that is the thing your husband is NOT telling you. He is using threats to control you. Get out as soon as humanly possible.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He thinks he has you completely under his thumb and can do NOTHING about it, and more, will NOT do anything about it. You need to get YOUR plans together to protect yourself and your child. Don't let him know these until you are sure and have everything lined up.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If he hit you with the car (even slowly) that is extremely dangerous. I think you have good reason for concern. That shows that he isn't just talking, but represents a real threat. 

Do you have family you can stay with in the short term. 

If you contact the police they will probably willing to help you leave safely. I think this is the best option for you.

Contact an attorney - they can probably provide more advice. 

I'm not an expert in this, but the situation sounds very serious. I hope others here can provide better advice. Based on what you are saying though I think you need to get the police involved and to leave.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> When i stepped out of the car, he put it into reverse, knocking me backwards. I caught my footing before falling to the ground. Apparently he didn’t like that i told him no. He told me again to pick up whatever was in the way in the garage and instead I picked up the piece of wire shelving and moved it more in the way as I was so mad at him for the way he just spoke to me and for basically hitting me with the car. He got out of the car screaming and threw the wire rack accross the garage.


Yes....this is absolutely abuse. It sounds like he is emotionally abusive in arguments as well, but I won't speak to that, as I am sure people will be along grilling you on what YOU say during arguments, etc.

His threats are inexcusable. I assume given your description of him that you are absolutely the primary caregiver for your child.

I would contact both social services and an attorney. They will do a consultation for free. Document every incidence of abuse you can. If anything he does leaves marks, photograph it. If he DOES ever strike you or put his hands on your violently, call 911 immediately.


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

Thank you all. I knew I wasn’t crazy. I have contacted an attorney and am hoping to set up a free consultation to discuss my rights. On a somewhat similar note, has anyone else gotten divorced with small children? I get depressed thinking about what I will do when my son is with his dad. I feel like I have failed as a mother knowing I won’t be able to be with him every day.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Some salient points. I do not know which jurisdiction in which you reside, however there is a constant: If there is even a fear of physical violence, and remember he used the automobile to assault you, you can remove both yourself and your child from the home. In fact, if you leave without the child, that would be taken by the courts to mean that you did not fear violence, because no mother would leave her child in the custody of a person that was violent. A good step is seeing an attorney, but please, remove yourself from the home post haste. Given that this was his first, possibly passive aggressive violent action, violence has a tendency to escalate, especially since he did not have any negative consequences to his actions yet. He or rather his psyche will take that as capitulation from you, and will be inclined to repeat such actions, and even escalate. For your and your child's safety, get out now!!!!!!!. Given the situation with your husband, he will be denied custody and let me be succinct in this: As a physical abuser, his visitation with the child will be severely limited, and SUPERVISED by the courts, and possibly CPS. This is not a little thing that he did. This is violence. This is abuse. This is the line in the sand. Leave, take the kid, get a restraining order.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Leaving an abusive marriage is NOT failing as a mother! Failing would be to stay there, and allowing your child be exposed to seeing his mother abused in her own home. He would learn that THAT is how husbands treat their wives, not to mention the trauma he would suffer being in that environment. I would suggest trying to get as much custody as possible, and see about requiring that his visitation be supervised.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its more important that children learn what a good marriage looks like, as opposed to learning from a bad abusive one. 



blondie88 said:


> Thank you all. I knew I wasn’t crazy. I have contacted an attorney and am hoping to set up a free consultation to discuss my rights. On a somewhat similar note, has anyone else gotten divorced with small children? I get depressed thinking about what I will do when my son is with his dad. I feel like I have failed as a mother knowing I won’t be able to be with him every day.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

blondie88 said:


> Our whole marriage we have had terrible arguments and I am ashamed at the state of our marriage. I keep praying that we find a way to figure this out but things seem to be getting worse.
> 
> .


Let's nip this idea in the bud right now; there is nothing to "figure out" here. There is not a piece of information that is missing that will make him better.

He is a bad person. He is an abusive jackass and that is his persona and how he is and how he will be.

Make no mistakes, this WILL escalate and it will lead to physical abuse of you and likely the children at some point...... Guaranteed.

In many jurisdictions the courts are starting to send mothers who allow their children to be abused to jail as well as the men who abuse them. This poses a serious legal liability for you as well if he harms one of the kids.

You are an abused spouse and this will get worse. I advise you to educate yourself on domestic abuse and domestic violence. 

Then seek immediate legal counsel with a divoce attorney that specializes in cases of domestic abuse.

Divorce lawyers deal with this day in and day out every day and will be able to help you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

blondie88 said:


> Thank you all. I knew I wasn’t crazy. I have contacted an attorney and am hoping to set up a free consultation to discuss my rights. On a somewhat similar note, has anyone else gotten divorced with small children? I get depressed thinking about what I will do when my son is with his dad. I feel like I have failed as a mother knowing I won’t be able to be with him every day.


from what you have said I am not sure that your son would be safe with him alone.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> You need to a) keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at ALL times when you talk with him and b) get yourself to a lawyer just to get information on divorce in your area.
> 
> You need to be protected in case he DOES get violent and prevent a he said/she said incident. If he does get violent, call 911 ASAP.
> 
> ...


This is the solution!!!
You need solid evidence of your fear of harm.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

He hit you with the car?

Do you have any evidence like bruising/marks etc?

Regardless, go to the cops and file a report now. 

!!!NOW!!!

Take the baby with you.

See an attorney and ask some advice.

Not sure if you have to have an attorney in your state or not.

But after getting some advice, file an emergency court hearing. 

You can file for divorce if you want, but you need to file for custody of your kid.

ASAP


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Get out of the house now. Take all important documents with you. Yes contact the battered womens shelter, etc.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Abusers find ways to instill fear in their victims. But you have to stop listening to him. He's only trying to threaten and scare you. You absolutely have to take your son with you. If you leave without your child, the police and the courts will view that as abandonment, and that is a very serious crime for a mother to endure. You will lose your son as a result. So see there, you can't listen to that fool you are married to.

People are telling you to leave now, but you don't feel there is any imminent danger, plus you're not prepared and don't have anywhere to go, so you're not going to leave right now. But no matter what you think or feel at the moment, you really should leave now.
Being in your situation can be very confusing, especially when you receive so much information, you might feel overwhelmed and not know where to start or what to do next. So, I composed a short list of the things you should take care of. Do this right away and each day accomplish another step. If you can take care of two or more in one day, then do that.

Also, the suggestion to keep a VAR on your at all times is a very good idea. I didn't include that in the list, but get one as soon as possible.

1. Gather all important documents pertaining to yourself and your son, i.e birth certificates, insurance cards, social security cards, etc. Put them in your purse so have them at the ready at any given time.

Also, gather a few items of clothing for yourself and son. Maybe 3 complete changes of clothes. Pack them and hide it out of your husband's view. This is in case you have to run suddenly, you will already have some things you can just grab and go.

2. Now that his abuse has turned to physical violence, you absolutely have to report it. And you have to report it right away. You need to begin documenting what he does to you and the sooner you begin the better. Just imagine if something happens - which I assure you something will happen - and you need to be able to claim the abuse and that it has been ongoing, you won't have a leg to stand on unless it has been documented. You won't have any proof unless there are visible scars that can be seen, which you can't imagine right now will ever happy. It will but nevertheless, you need the police reports. Report this incident and also tell them everything he says and does to you. Report every subsequent incident from now on. If he curses you, insults you, yells at you, calls you names, pushes you, hits you, report absolutely everything. You will need these as evidence. Don't put it off.

When you go to the police station, ask for the domestic violence officer. This is will likely be a woman and a person trained for your circumstances.

3. Speak with an attorney. Most lawyers offer free consultation. You need to know what your rights are and what you can expect. An attorney can dispel all the lies your husband is feeding you.

4. Contact a Domestic Violence Shelter. I know this sounds like something you don't want to do, but they are extremely helpful. Even if you don't want to live in a DV shelter, you can still call and speak with members of staff. They help you formulate an escape plan and offer advice you don't know you need but will find that you really needed it. They also have access to counseling for abuse victims and it's free.

If you do have to go to a shelter, it's not nearly so scary as it sounds. They are not bad places to be. They are clean and accommodating. Some are buildings that have strict rules, but most are just houses used as a shelter for women and children, where you and your son will have your own private bedroom. They provide everything you need - clothes, meals, toiletries, diapers, feminine necessities, and also gas money if you need it to get back and forth to work. They also help arrange babysitting if you need it.

The best part is DV shelters have access to housing programs, such as vouchers, Section 8, and other programs that pay your rent for x amount of time to give you a chance to get on your feet. I had to flee an abusive relationship and go into a DV shelter many years ago. The housing I received paid my rent for 18 months and also paid the electric bill when I needed help with that. No questions asked. Not all programs are the same though. There are programs that will pay your rent for 3 months, some that pay for 9 months, some that pay for 18 months, and some that pay for 2 years. There are also some that subsidize your rent based on your income. For example, based on your state's calculator, it might be determined that they will pay half your rent. It depends on your income. It just depends on what programs are available in your area. But you have to be living in the DV shelter to be eligible for the housing programs.



blondie88 said:


> Thank you all. I knew I wasn’t crazy. I have contacted an attorney and am hoping to set up a free consultation to discuss my rights. On a somewhat similar note, has anyone else gotten divorced with small children? I get depressed thinking about what I will do when my son is with his dad. I feel like I have failed as a mother knowing I won’t be able to be with him every day.


Every mom worries about that, but it is much less important than making sure you are safe and making sure your son is out of that hostile environment. Moms often think the children are not being affected by the abuse, but they are. So living in a safe and peaceful home is better than living in a contentious one. You don't have a choice in the matter. You did not make that man decide to be abusive to you, so don't tear yourself apart as if you are the one causing the divorce. Besides, no child needs to hear their mother being called names and being yelled at or being hit on, which is your husband's next step. I grew to dislike my father for being so mean to my mom. I jumped on him one day (and tried to choke him to death) when I was 12 to prevent him from hitting her. But I also grew to resent my mother for putting up with his abuse. My daughter was 19 months when I left her father. She was much older when we finally divorced, but it was fine. You get past the guilt feelings and even learn that it's not so bad. You kind of start enjoying your free time little by little.

The best way to look at it is to be determined not to live your life as a victim of domestic abuse. Be a survivor.
Good luck to you and your little one.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Oops I forget to tell you how to get in touch with a DV shelter. All you do is dial 211 and tell them you need DV shelters in your area. Write down the number to several of them, but make sure not to leave the list anywhere your husband can find it. Better yet, transfer the numbers to your phone.

Any shelter will serve the purpose when calling just to speak with someone. But if you have to decide on staying in a DV shelter, it's best to go to one that's not directly in your area. Maybe in one or two towns away from your husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Reports him to the police.


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