# Can I really leave my life? Should I?



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Hi everyone I am new here but have been lurking for a few months, hopefully I am posting in the right section. 

My husband and I met in college and we have been together for twenty five years. We were always very close and basically did everything together and it felt like we had a lot in common. Now it feels like we have nothing in common. I guess through the years I have come to realize that we are very different people, I am an optimist, he is a pessimist, I am neat, he is messy...you get the picture.

So a couple of years ago we started arguing all the time. I just felt annoyed by him constantly. Then this year we really ramped up the arguing. We probably couldn't go three days without a disagreement. 

Then recently, for the first time, I began to feel emotionally checked out. I'm not complaining to him anymore, barely even talk to him. I am drained and just don't have the energy for this anymore. For the first time I am actually thinking about what it would like to be without him, something I never thought I would contemplate.

From the outside looking in I suppose our life looks pretty good. In some ways it has been too easy for me. I am very embarassed to say that I went from my parents taking care of me to my husband taking care of me. I worked the first few years we were married but now I haven't worked in a very long time. I am a volunteer with cancer patients at the hospital my husband works at, that is the closest thing to a "job" I have, I suppose. Pretty much I feel unemployable.

I grew up in a family that criticized often and rarely praised. I guess that was one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband, he was the opposite. Even now, he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, and he has said that to me every day since, well forever. I have no doubt that he truly loves me with all his heart. And that makes me feel happy and secure.

What I am wondering is, can i really turn my back on this life, a life that has security and a husband that treasures me but has not brought me much happiness? Am I just being an idiot to even think about leaving it?

Thanks for reading this (I hope it made sense) and I appreciate any input you may have.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hmm. Another walk-away-wife. Let me see if I can control my shocked face.



Nope. 

Leave him for him, not you. Maybe he'll find someone who appreciates him.

I'm getting pretty tired of women complaining that Price Charming just turned out to be yet another mere mortal. He has faults. THE CAD!!!


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Is there a male friend or acquaintance who makes you feel some of the happiness you wish you felt with your husband? Does your husband perhaps have a close female friend or coworker he spends time with? What changed a couple of years ago that caused the uptick in arguments?

What have you and your husband done to try to fix your marriage?


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

So you've grown and changed and your husband has stayed consistent in who he was and is.
What are the arguments about? It sounds like you're bored and need to create some goals for yourself rather than considering leaving a perfectly good man over nothing.Unless you have someone else who has caught your eye. 

You don't just walk away from a good marriage bc you're bored with the man and you've noticed a few differences.Couples aren't meant to be a carbon copy of each other.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Mid-life crisis alert....

Yes, you are being an idiot. Just read a small sampling of some of the stories here and find out how many people would love to be in your shoes. He's messy? He's pessimistic? Well gee whiz, he loves you, thinks you are beautiful and tells you so...What a bad guy...

If your husband posted here, what do you think he would say about you?

He is not responsible to create your happiness. If you are bored, go back to school, find a real job, stop the family habit of criticizing and start praising your husband for what he does for you, the things you appreciate, even if you have to force yourself to do so. 

The more positive things that come out of your mouth, the more positive you will feel.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you were an optimist, you would be confident that your marriage can be turned around, or confident that you would be happy after you left it.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

happiness come from within grasshopper.

try consintration on his good point. and accepting his flaws.
I'm sure you have flaws also and it seems he accepts them. why not return the favor.

the grass is usually not as green as you think on the other side of the fence.

with that said maybe a new attitude where you encourage him to consider some of the things that bother you (being messy) and not chastise him for it would go along way and not to feel resentfull if he dosen't change.

now if hes really bad like hoarder status which would be over the top then haveing a hard line aproach would be listen this is really a problem and most likly a deal breaker if you don't get some help because its unhealthy. But don't use that unless your serious about it.

pick your battles accept what you can and comunicate the things that really bother you.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, guess this is what happens when you give a woman everything and take care of her. She gets bored...

:slap:


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What are the things that you two argue about? I think that will help us give advice here.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Heh, guess this is what happens when you give a woman everything and take care of her. She gets bored...
> 
> :slap:


uh,no.This is what happens when you give SOME women everything and take care of them. SOME of them get bored.

 Many of us adore our good men and aren't even close to bored.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know I know... 

Just teasing lol


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I know I know...
> 
> Just teasing lol


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

julianne said:


> My husband and I met in college and we have been together for *twenty five years*. We were always very close and basically did everything together and it felt like we had a lot in common. Now it feels like we have nothing in common. I guess through the years I have come to realize that we are very different people, I am an optimist, he is a pessimist, I am neat, he is messy...you get the picture.
> 
> *So a couple of years ago we started arguing all the time. I just felt annoyed by him constantly. Then this year we really ramped up the arguing. We probably couldn't go three days without a disagreement.
> 
> Then recently, for the first time, I began to feel emotionally checked out. I'm not complaining to him anymore, barely even talk to him. I am drained and just don't have the energy for this anymore. For the first time I am actually thinking about what it would like to be without him, something I never thought I would contemplate.*


 I am confused by your opening post ...as you say this above, he is a pessimist , you argue at least every 3 days and now you don't talk at all... ....then you end your post (below) ...by saying he wasn't a pessimist in the beginning at least...(but very praising).... and he's very loving to you EVERY DAY... telling you how beautiful you are ...why in the world would he do that IF you are not speaking to him / "barely talking to him" ?? 



> I grew up in a family that criticized often and rarely praised. *I guess that was one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband, he was the opposite. Even now, he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, and he has said that to me every day since, well forever. I have no doubt that he truly loves me with all his heart. And that makes me feel happy and secure.*


I also suspect you are having somewhat of a *Mid Life crisis* (given you've been together 25 yrs ).... hormones are getting the best of you..they can go HAYWIRE in mid life ..and we start making mountains out of molehills....and this escalates *his reaction to you...*

What are the *primary issues*/tension you feel is happening between the 2 of you....if you could wave a magic wand, what would you change about him...is he not meeting your Love Languages at this current time? .....

You say in the beginning you & he have always done everything together...you must have enjoyed each other very much for a long stretch.... So what EVENT tumbled all of this 2 yrs ago...bringing on the constant arguing.... is he going through a Mid Life crisis as well ?


----------



## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

What are you saying? You want to divorce him? Do you know how expensive that is? And you dont have a job... you need to get a grip on reality. How about get some counseling and gain some self esteem. Your marriage doesnt sound that bad for you to get a divorce. 

By the way... I would do anything to have a husband that told me he loves me and that I am beautiful.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, reminds me really... STBX got mad enough on February to fully wholeheartedly tell me "FK you" "That's it, I want a divorce"... and then after a few months, now faced with the reality of it, knowing she has been out of the workforce for years now and is now back to parental allowances, now missing being a family, has changed her mind. :slap: Now that's a fail

But OP... you don't even have a bad marriage, yet just like my STBX you've been dependent on your husband. And he's giving you everything, you got it made, but yet you're thinking along the lines of my STBXW? Out of the blue bc you got bored :slap: Now that would be an EPIC fail!

Though the experience would be worthwhile for you in my opinion. Just for the hell of it! Divorce can be a nightmare but at least it's not boring right?


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

julianne said:


> Hi everyone I am new here but have been lurking for a few months, hopefully I am posting in the right section.
> 
> My husband and I met in college and we have been together for twenty five years. We were always very close and basically did everything together and it felt like we had a lot in common. Now it feels like we have nothing in common. I guess through the years I have come to realize that we are very different people, I am an optimist, he is a pessimist, I am neat, he is messy...you get the picture.
> 
> ...


Your marriage doesn't sound horrendous. For me, a marriage has to be truly bad to even consider divorce and I'm not one of those "you get married, you get married for life" types either. 

You haven't really elaborated on the arguments you two have, but MANY couples have arguments. Fighting fairly and picking your fights are skills you both can learn, if willing. You need to give us examples of what you said, he said so we have a clearer idea of what happens before a fight and during. Perhaps people here can give ideas of how to improve the situation.

Picture yourself after the divorce. Do you think you can maintain the lifestyle to which you're accustomed? Unless you both have substantial assets, I think it's likely you'll have a decrease in the standard of living. You'll be alone in the home or apartment by yourself. A good friend of mine who divorced her husband said one of the things she missed the most was having someone else in the house. Just having someone in the house. Her new home felt big and lonely with just her there by herself. She had two pets there as well, but it wasn't the same. 

If you don't have skills for a job, how will you support yourself? Alimony will only give you so much. You may to get a job you don't like to support yourself. 

I wouldn't throw away a marriage like yours without trying to resolve your differences. Otherwise you might end up with buyer's regret. The grass isn't always greener. It's green where you water it.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> The grass isn't always greener. It's green where you water it.


Love that quote.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Op

This is very disappointing to read. You're taking about leaving a man that adores you! It doesn't sound like either of you have even tried to change things. No communication, effort, counseling, reading, research, nothing...It doesn't sound like he's even aware that there are any major issues, yet you're contemplating leaving?!

Have you been handed everything in life? <Legit question. Sometimes "work" is needed to make things better!


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Don't worry about what the arguments entail. Moot. She's bored. She fell out of love. She's walked-away. Read up on it.


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Thanks to each and every one of you for all your responses, I enjoyed both the serious ones and the funny ones  You all already have me thinking...a lot. There are plenty of issues in my marriage that I have not mentioned yet, I am going to try to post again later tonight.

edit: can someone tell me what the heart with a number of likes at the top of each thread is?


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Tells you how many people have liked a post in the thread...in total.


julianne - this may have nothing to do with your situation but I have read a lot recently about woman, hormones and marriage.

The age you (and I) are is the age when more women initiate divorces than at any other time of their lives and even though there are many reasons for these divorces, too many regret it later.

The problem with leaving your marriage is that you take 'bored and restless juilianne' with you.

Keeping your marriage fun and interesting takes time and effort... not breaking rocks effort but effort still.

There is a lot of info online about reigniting the spark in your marriage.

Why not spend some time and energy there and see where it leads. 
Sounds like your husband and marriage deserve at least that.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

julianne said:


> edit: can someone tell me what the heart with a number of likes at the top of each thread is?


That is the number of likes members have given posters on your thread.If someone likes a particular post then they click on the blue colored 'Like' near the bottom right of the post.


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...um...y'know, kind loving husbands who provide for you aren't really all that common. 

...and...the distant, cruel deadbeats are only fun for a little while. Exciting, sure, but it gets old.

...unless things are a lot worse than you're indicating, you might want to consider therapy for yourself and maybe marriage counseling before proceeding to divorce.

--Argyle


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Why would you consider a divorce when you agreed to be married 'until death do us part'?

Does your commitment mean nothing to you?


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If there are more things to think about than what you originally posted, we need to hear them. Tell the rest of the sentence. Because what you've written so far is that you have a good relationship, there's no infidelity, and you've made it go for 25 years. That's something a lot of folks would give their eyeteeth for.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Julianne

Step back and look and own your part of the downfall/the arguing.

Fix it.

Sounds like your husband is quite the catch. There are people like me who would be happy to meet a loving, caring, admiring man like yours. When you've filed for divorce you can give me his contact information. I'd love to meet a man that is faithful and kind. 

Did that make you think a bit more about throwing it all away due to boredom and complacency?

(Why don't you take a small separation away from him. Don't be stupid and cheat either emotionally or physically. Just get a little taste of what it is like when you DON'T have his warm arms to fall into when you are sad, lonely, depressed, happy whatever.
Think about what you would do if he was TAKEN (by death OR another woman) from you, how would you feel? Get a new perspective. It is really worth fixing the small pot-hole you've arrived at in the road of life)



P.S. I don't want or need someone elses man. Wouldn't in a million years do that...but there are indeed women out there who would or will. My point was to perhaps shock some sense into you.

P.P.S. Dating SUCKS - too many damaged men out there who are seriously angry with their ex-wife and are now wounded shells of the men they once were. TOOO many out there are mentally unstable, have many many issues. Weeding through the weeds is not easy. So, take a long hard look at what you have.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. (no pun intended)


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Divorce is the last thing I want. I can't even think that far ahead, it was alarming enough to think about what it would be like to be apart. 

One of the issues we have is that we don't spend enough quality time together. We don't "argue" about it really, it is just an added stressor. Some things about my husband:

He is incredibly driven, hard working, ambitious. He feels the need to do something important. Despite having a full patient load, he agreed to basically run a research study which now takes up what spare time he had. Thankfully he is able to do this at home. I cannot express how proud I am of him and how much I admire him for this. I have always encouraged his career pursuits and would never discourage him in any way. I actually start to feel guilty if I take up too much time because I know he needs to work on stuff. But I don't understand why he can't be happy with where he is in his career, he always wants more and thinks he needs to do more. Why does his career have to define him? I have asked him that but I don't think he had a real answer.

He has a one track mind and it is completely focused on whatever he is doing, whether he is at work or play . This means that even though we are physically together, sometimes it's not much different from his being absent cause I can't talk to him anyway because he will get distracted.

I had a mini meltdown (not where I am blaming him but just a release of frustration being built up) and I guess I finally got through to him because he admitted that he has not spent enough time paying attention to me. For years.


----------



## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

You probably should be talking to him and not us. Unless you are hiding things that are darker in the marriage, you may want to reconsider walking away in midlife. Starting from scratch is not too easy.


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

I am not seriously considering walking away, I needed some perspective and all of you have kindly provided that. That is why I titled the thread "Could I leave?" Because I don't think I could. We have been a couple all of our adult lives and even if he was a horrible person it would be hard to leave just because we have been together for so long.

Anything I have written here I have said to my husband, probably many times over. Perhaps I am giving the wrong impression.


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Thank you 2galsmom, sounds like a plan 

I can't believe that you guys have helped me so much already. Thank you.

There are other resentment issues we have, and the reason we started arguing two years ago that I need to write about -hopefully will have time tomorrow.


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

I feel you are experiencing the emotional blunting women put in place when the hurt becomes too much to bear, and so you put up a shield between you and the negative emotions to protect yourself. However, this protective shield also blunts your love for him, and makes you feel you must not love him anymore. This is SO COMMON and you are not alone. I myself and starting to feel this way as well in my marriage, and I had been this way before when I left my last long relationship.

No one can answer if you should or not, as that is completely your choice, however I feel once a woman gets to this point, the relationship is almost over. 

The shield needs to be raised in order for you to feel your love for him again (which I am positive is still alive and thriving, you are just unable to feel it) but this would require you feeling emotionally safe enough to open yourself once again to the negative emotions you are running from. 

This requires true effort on BOTH your parts to fix this situation.

YOU need to figure out exactly what you need emotionally, and what you need your husband to change, and then convey your need to him. 

HE needs to decide if he is willing to make these changes for your marriage. Most men choose not to make changes, and often don't see the need to change until their wives are out the door (and by then, it's often too late). Our needs are much different than their needs, and men as a whole have difficulty empathizing with our different mindsets (which is critical when it comes to understanding WHY one must change), so this won't be easy for him to do. He will need a lot of encouragement, support, and faith from you to give him the power to make changes.

If he still will not change, and you are still unhappy, then it is time to confront if you are willing to live with him as is, or if you want something more, and make your decision.

Good luck with your marriage, and I sincerely hope all the best for you!


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> What are the things that you two argue about? I think that will help us give advice here.


Mostly stupid little things, not even major issues. The ONE thing I ask him to do on a daily basis it to put away the dishes after dinner and load the washer. It takes five minutes at most. So he doesn't do it right after dinner like a normal person would. He waits till late at night when he is tired and REALLY doesn't want to do it so he can have a little tantrum and bang the dishes around in some sort of protest - bizarre. I have asked him over and over to stop this childish behavior but he continues to do it and I have no idea why. Then he says I am nagging him about it. Lots of little household things.

Many of you have mentioned mid life crisis, we both are probably going through some form of it. I think we both have been more quick to snap at one another than previously. And a lot of you wondered if I am bored. I am never bored, I have plenty to do and many people to take care of. Bored in my marriage? Honestly? Maybe. A little bit, it has been 25 years (relationship, not marriage). But nowhere near bored enough to consider ending it just because I am bored sometimes.

What have we done as far as counseling, etc? Absolutely nothing cause I didn't really feel in a "crisis" state until a few days ago when I found myself feeling "checked out" as I mentioned before, a foreign feeling that I had never experienced.

If anyone has recommendations for books, websites or other learning materials I would love to hear about them.

Thank you again for your advice and suggestions


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I just want to say there isn't a perfect life. 

If you focus on his bad qualities, you will think he is a terrible man and you will be miserable. 

Nobody is perfect, no man can give you a life in paradise. You either have this or that. No man can give you everything you need.

If you focus on his good qualities, you will find out that he is not a bad man at all and your life has been this care free because of him.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

julianne said:


> I am not seriously considering walking away...


One of the main reasons "walk-away-wives" were never seriously discussed: you don't actually "walk-away". You stay in the relationship, just emotionally check out. It's kind of confusing that way. Read up. Just don't be surprised if you see a picture of yourself in that description.

If you physically leave your husband, that is something else.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

julianne,

It sounds like he may be a workaholic. I used to be the same. Work, work, work, work...

I woke up one day and started to prioritize my life better. I still love my work but love my wife much more! I doubt your H will say "I wished I worked more" on his death bed. Ask him 

You can still get plenty accomplished with your work and have fun outside of work as well. I would go as far as to say more. When relaxed it's easier to focus and you can get things done faster. It leaves more time for "play time" This is what you're after. 

Since getting it together, my wife and I have a MUCH better relationship, I'm not as stressed, not as quick tempered and we've been having the time of our lives. Married 23 years now and we're having more sex then ever before. Another bonus!! 

This took a *ton* of communication by both of us. It wasn't easy by any stretch. Many arguments, disagreements, disappointments along the way. But, it was well worth it in the end!

Best,


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Maybe make a list of little pet peeves you all have

THEN see if you can compromise

He hates doing the dishes and you hate that he doesn't do it immediately after supper but waits and then is angry and then you get angry at that 
SO = here's an option. Make dinner, then serve dinner in a see-thru apron, or French Maid outfit what ever. Entice him that if he puts the dishes away then a little play-time before he gets back to work and you do what you wanna do (OR he wll have had so much fun that he will want to spend even more time with you)

OR you could simply do the dishes yourself and see if there is something ELSE you don't like doing and have him do that.


Also - New Masters and Johnson show is coming on Showtime I think Sept 26th ish
This might spawn interesting conversations and an hour spent together watching the show. He is in research, this could be a fun thing to do. Discount their flawed research - or prove it right?
lol but there is an hour spent that will provoke talk and more time together and more hanky panky and increased intimacy.

Have to actually WORK at it sometimes. Spice it up. I think you guys can have a terrific rest of your lives together.

 Good Luck


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...one friend told me that anything you can solve with money shouldn't be a problem. If he has trouble doing the dishes, consider just hiring someone. (doctor with research studies?? should be affordable)

...a marriage counselor also recommended scheduling time together and sticking to it. Your lives sound busy and the emotional/bonding aspect is likely to be neglected unless you make the time. Something like date night...and maybe something low-key on the weekdays too. There should be a rule that those times are focused on the two of you. And the activities involved should sometimes be things he enjoys too.

...and y'know, if you do divorce him, you're welcome to forward me his contact information, my wife had a ton of single acquaintances she's been trying to fix up. Sorta joking. Not entirely.

...however, the question for him is whether or not he thinks that anyone on his deathbed ever regretted not spending more time in the lab. People are important and life is fleeting - spending all your time working and disengaged from those you love is, in my opinion, a mistake.

--Argyle


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

julianne said:


> Hi everyone I am new here but have been lurking for a few months, hopefully I am posting in the right section.
> 
> My husband and I met in college and we have been together for twenty five years. We were always very close and basically did everything together and it felt like we had a lot in common. Now it feels like we have nothing in common. I guess through the years I have come to realize that we are very different people, I am an optimist, he is a pessimist, I am neat, he is messy...you get the picture.
> 
> ...


I'm going to address the "we're so different" topic. Everything else...well I'll spare you my thoughts on that.

My wife and I are VERY different in many ways. I'm a little messy, she's OCD. I'm very patient, she's not. I'm calm cool and laid back, she can be a bit overly anxious. I can say things in constructive ways, my wife has the tact of a bull elephant.

So those are the facts, but the beauty is that the relationship isn't based on the facts...it's based on how one INTERPRETS those facts. You and your husband argue, while my wife and I THANK GOD for the differences. We probably say once a week how blessed we are that my strengths balance her weaknesses and her strengths balance my weaknesses.

So two marriages...same issue...

One marriage is fighting and one marriage is thankful.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

julianne said:


> Mostly stupid little things, not even major issues. The ONE thing I ask him to do on a daily basis it to put away the dishes after dinner and load the washer. It takes five minutes at most. So he doesn't do it right after dinner like a normal person would. He waits till late at night when he is tired and REALLY doesn't want to do it so he can have a little tantrum and bang the dishes around in some sort of protest - bizarre. I have asked him over and over to stop this childish behavior but he continues to do it and I have no idea why. Then he says I am nagging him about it. Lots of little household things.
> 
> Many of you have mentioned mid life crisis, we both are probably going through some form of it. I think we both have been more quick to snap at one another than previously. And a lot of you wondered if I am bored. I am never bored, I have plenty to do and many people to take care of. Bored in my marriage? Honestly? Maybe. A little bit, it has been 25 years (relationship, not marriage). But nowhere near bored enough to consider ending it just because I am bored sometimes.
> 
> ...


Don't wait for a crisis to go to counseling. Counseling works best if you use it PRIOR to having a crisis.

PS I'd also recommend you both read "The 5 Love Languages". It sounds like you're both on different pages. they have an audio book if your husband is too busy.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

julianne said:


> Mostly stupid little things, not even major issues. The ONE thing I ask him to do on a daily basis it to put away the dishes after dinner and load the washer. It takes five minutes at most. So he doesn't do it right after dinner like a normal person would. He waits till late at night when he is tired and REALLY doesn't want to do it so he can have a little tantrum and bang the dishes around in some sort of protest - bizarre. I have asked him over and over to stop this childish behavior but he continues to do it and I have no idea why. Then he says I am nagging him about it. Lots of little household things.


First, you're asking him to do something he obviously hates to do. If you want him to take a chore off your list, pick something else. Write out on a posterboard everything that gets done in the house, and ask him to sign up to take care of ONE chore (or two). Let him pick the one he minds the least. Could be matching socks, folding towels, wiping counters, whatever. Just handing him a chore and saying do it doesn't work very well. Does it?

As for the rest, I recommend that you first get the book His Needs Her Needs. Read it all. Then go back and highlight the parts that indicate where your marriage is rocky and read those sections to him. Ask him to buy in on trying to adjust those areas of your lives so you are both happy and connected. Second, I recommend at least a monthly MC session. Not because your marriage is that bad but because he is SO busy that you literally need to schedule your time with him, away from his work and the house (where he also works). Just being able to talk about stuff and maybe get some perspective on ways to improve things will help. Third, I know it's hard, but you really really need to find a way to spend more time together. Figure out a way. Tell him you EXPECT him to carve out at least 4 hours straight every weekend to be with you, and then 'nag' him about it until it becomes standard for him. He'll discover he really CAN lose 4 hours from work and the world won't crash down on him. And you'll both be happier.


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Can I tell all of you how incredibly awesome you are? I am sorry I haven't addressed each one of you personally thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom. Believe me, I am taking notes 

About the chores thing..of course I could put the dishes away myself, but it would just bother me if he didn't do even that one thing. I made a mistake when we were newlyweds. I was a happy young bride who was more than happy to take care of everything  because he was in residency and exhausted. So that pattern was established back then.

Forward to present time and he still doesn't do anything. My husband can be very childish and can complain about the smallest things, like dishes. Only problem is that it's not just the dishes he dislikes, it is pretty much any little thing I ask him to do around the house. In all these years he has probably vacuumed and swept the floor maybe a dozen times, and that was cause I asked him to. It is easier to do it myself than to listen to him whine, I guess that is where some resentment comes in. If he is walking down the hall and sees a kleenex on the floor he won't even pick it up. Grrrrrr.


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am confused by your opening post ...as you say this above, he is a pessimist , you argue at least every 3 days and now you don't talk at all... ....then you end your post (below) ...by saying he wasn't a pessimist in the beginning at least...(but very praising).... and he's very loving to you EVERY DAY... telling you how beautiful you are ...why in the world would he do that IF you are not speaking to him / "barely talking to him" ??
> 
> Excellent questions, I would likely be puzzled as well.
> 
> ...


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Mr K - I looked up walk away wife and you are right, I may have been headed in that direction. Scary, but I think I may have come to my senses now.

MrAvg - Your suggestion of "let him be loud"....genius. I don't know why I never thought of that. I will just leave and go to another room the next time he does it. I am glad that you used the phrase micro manage because it made me realize that I have been doing that. I don't know why but I always feel like I am responsible for my husband being happy at home and when he is not it is my fault.

We had a very nice weekend. I bought some college football tickets and kidnapped him for four hours, we went to the game and walked around the old alma mater and pretended we were young again. 

Can someone tell me how to use the multi- quote? Thanks, I feel so dumb


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Just click multi on the ones you want, and at the end of your choices, click "quote."


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

So this is an old pattern that's gone on since your early days and that's why you are where you are today. Thing is, your comfort level with it has changed. Has he always walked past the kleenex on the floor? Or has this been the last few years? Because maybe that's normal for him. And if it's been going on, he feels it's normal for you. 

We get comfortable in our roles in relationships. The longer things go on, the more comfortable we get in those roles. But comfort comes at a price. if you accepted something, say, 20 years ago, then IMHO it's OK to re-evaluate and think something different today. I'm not talking about major life-decisions, like being married. But the kleenex example is one I can look at. If it was OK years ago, why not now? His life has changed as well. 

Thing is, as someone else posted, you can live to work or work to live (paraphrased it). And the priorities should be something agreed upon, indeed, negotiated between the two people sharing their lives. I don't know all your dynamics, but maybe you need to negotiate something different. Sometimes you negotiate with yourself (a la the "let him be loud" comment) and sometimes you negotiate with your spouse. Either way, you get a change. Small steps will satisfy both of you, as long as you are both headed in the same direction. 

At least you're out looking for solutions and information. So many people just let things slide and slide and slide in their lives until they have an affair, kill someone, become alcoholics, etc. Not that you would do any of that, but I'm giving extreme examples on purpose. 

You two are going to be OK.


----------



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Thanks doubletree for your advice. Thanks for the vote of confidence as well . Yes, I guess he has always walked past kleenex or anything else on the floor that needs to be picked up. Of course, that makes me feel like, why do I have to be the only person who picks up anything and everything around here?! I guess I just tolerated it more before. 


thanks sunnyt and turnera for the book recommendation.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think he's right. There are degrees of "good" or even "satisfying" sex within a relationship.... but it is the emotions that make the difference. 

I can't remember the name of the book or program, but it is something about a Love Bank. Think debits and credits. Something else to look up! 

Good Luck!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Needs Her Needs


----------

