# I want to be married, but I'm not sure how much more I can take.



## Science (Aug 14, 2016)

I want a good marriage. I want to be married.

I think that the number one reason that people still get married is because they believe, “it won’t happen to me.” Maybe it was just me thinking that. I’ve seen some pretty rough examples of marriage. To be honest with you, I don’t think I’ve ever been really close to someone who had a great one beyond what I see on social media. My parents’ marriage was complete horses**t for the most part. They stayed married for 30 years with a martyr-syndrome wife and an explosive husband. They clearly didn’t have anything resembling a good example between them. They were a couple of narcissists that were subbing good, old fashioned “Christian strength” for badly needed therapy. Now they have exited their horses**t marriage into a horses**t divorce. The only difference is that now they are directing much of their insanity at their children. I’ve seen plenty of divorce. I’ve seen plenty of deeply unhappy marriages. There is no observable evidence that marriage will result in any level of happiness. It’s quite the opposite. Marriage, as I have seen it up close, is actually pretty terrible. So, why would I ever believe that I would have a marriage that would defy this clear trend? Why would I ignore obvious evidence?

Cue my relationship. We started dating young. We did it right. We never broke up or took breaks. We dated for exactly 10 years so that we could finish graduate school, get jobs, and become financially stable before we tied the knot. We were responsible and planned. We wanted to avoid the money stress part of marriage. Before we got married, he started Prozac. Honeymoon sex was a chore for him. He doesn’t even want to touch me. It’s been four months since the honeymoon. It’s been four months since he has even tried to be affectionate with me. It’s been 4 months of rejection after rejection from him. I felt like I was torturing him anytime we are intimate during and before the honeymoon. He is now distant. He prefers sleep to being next to me. He prefers drinking to talking with me. He prefers to sit in front of the TV at night, drinking until he passes out on the couch to sleeping in the same bed as me. 

When I have successes, he does not congratulate me or celebrate with me. When I am stressed out, he does not jump in and help me. When I am sad about our relationship, he belittles me and laughs at me. This is not the same man from a year ago. A year ago, he had terrible stress at his job and I would comfort him. I would pray with him, bring him food he liked to work. I encouraged him to go to therapy. I supported his need for antianxiety medication. Before then, we prided ourselves on being teammates. He used to surprise me with flowers. He would get a silly card with a kitten on it and write out an apology when he was an ass. He used to wake up and make me brunch every so often. He cared. He was romantic. He wanted to be around me. He wanted to cuddle with me. He wanted me to be happy and feel loved.

He is not that person anymore. He doesn’t apologize. He smirks or ignores me or becomes sarcastic when I tell him he has hurt me. He literally laughs at me when I cry. I haven’t felt wanted or loved or appreciated in a very long time. He makes money-- more than most. He pays for things now. I am very appreciative because it’s the first time in my life I haven’t had to worry constantly about money. I work, too. I don’t make as much as he does, but I probably devote more hours to working. He has used his salary and paid bills as his “get out of jail free card.” He doesn’t do housework and criticizes that I don’t do enough. He doesn’t apologize. He doesn’t work for a good marriage. When we aren’t fighting, he tries to ignore the issues and sweep them under the rug. We never get to a clean slate—we’re always just trying to dance over a lumpy rug.

Yes, I tell him that I am frustrated when I am. I tell him I think he has a drinking problem. I complain when he doesn't do a fair share of housework. I tell him that I feel lonely. I have even suggested opening up our marriage, which he took to great offense.

Again, I am silly for thinking that the bad marriage and divorce thing couldn’t happen to me. I think all the time about leaving mine behind for a while. I think often that he would be happier if I just wasn’t around. I’d like to think that there is someone out there who would be affectionate with me and would care if they hurt me. I really just want that someone to be my husband. Right now, at least, it definitely isn’t him. 

How can I change my reactions? How can I express my hurt and concern without nagging? How can I fix this?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

How did you go from praying with him to wanting to open up your marriage?


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## Science (Aug 14, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> How did you go from praying with him to wanting to open up your marriage?


I am more admitting my own role in this. I knew suggesting it would get his attention. I wouldn't want to have an open marriage. I was saying it to push him to some resolution.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Have you had a talk with him in which you shared most of the things in your first post? Are you more open with us than you are with your husband?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I couldn't d it, I would have to leave he someone could not be sympathetic to my needs as I was theirs. I'm sorry life is just too short, I have been through hell in my life and thus will not deal with that from a partner.


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## Science (Aug 14, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Have you had a talk with him in which you shared most of the things in your first post? Are you more open with us than you are with your husband?


Yes, I have. He says that I am nagging him and I "find something everyday to be mad about" and he wishes that I would just "be fun." I feel like the issues we are having should not be ignored. I don't feel like I have the ability to "be fun" anymore. I am constantly stressed out about his frequent drinking (especially since he is on antianxiety medication). I work all of the time because he reminds me that I don't contribute as much as him financially to the home. We are lucky. He makes more than enough alone to pay the bills and live comfortably. This behavior started after he started making money and overcame the severe anxiety from his well-paying job.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Science said:


> There is no observable evidence that marriage will result in any level of happiness. It’s quite the opposite. Marriage, as I have seen it up close, is actually pretty terrible. So, why would I ever believe that I would have a marriage that would defy this clear trend? Why would I ignore obvious evidence?



I think you got the 'ol bait-n-switch. Whereas before you married, your husband built you up instead of tearing you down. Now he does the opposite. There are plenty here with very happy marriages, even some who went through infidelity and managed to repair their marriage to where they are now very happy. The trick is finding the right partner.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sounds like money means more to him than it should.

a substitute for things that should matter more. Like love, relationship, togetherness.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

Science said:


> He is now distant. He prefers sleep to being next to me. He prefers drinking to talking with me. He prefers to sit in front of the TV at night, drinking until he passes out on the couch to sleeping in the same bed as me.
> 
> When I have successes, he does not congratulate me or celebrate with me. When I am stressed out, he does not jump in and help me. When I am sad about our relationship, he belittles me and laughs at me. This is not the same man from a year ago. A year ago, he had terrible stress at his job and I would comfort him. I would pray with him, bring him food he liked to work. I encouraged him to go to therapy. I supported his need for antianxiety medication. Before then, we prided ourselves on being teammates. He used to surprise me with flowers. He would get a silly card with a kitten on it and write out an apology when he was an ass. He used to wake up and make me brunch every so often. He cared. He was romantic. He wanted to be around me. He wanted to cuddle with me. He wanted me to be happy and feel loved.
> 
> He is not that person anymore. He doesn’t apologize. He smirks or ignores me or becomes sarcastic when I tell him he has hurt me. He literally laughs at me when I cry. I haven’t felt wanted or loved or appreciated in a very long time.


THIS ^^^^^ has been my life for at least the last 6 years. If I'm honest, it was longer just not all the time. It will turn you into someone you don't recognize. It's been 10 years for you, leave him now or you will wake up 14 years from now in the same situation but will only be a shell of your former self. I'm not saying it will be easy, but for your own sanity it is necessary. Don't threaten, just do it. It may wake him up or it may make you see how much better off you are. My STBXH left last month. There have been good days & bad days but I have peace. I'll take that over money & a bad marriage any day. I'll be ok, so will you. Get a support network & make sure to go to individual counseling. Keep posting. People here can help you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I stopped reading when you mentioned 4 months. I think you already know the answer.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I stopped reading when you mentioned 4 months. I think you already know the answer.


I know that the early part of a marriage is a bit of an adjustment period but yikes! You guys have been together for 10 years? Where has all this behavior been all this time on his part?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Have you tried looking into stuff regarding him? His email, phone, history...what KIND of porn he watches?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Medications such as Prozac can have some severe side effects, including changes to sex drive and how emotion is felt. If these negative changes started around the time he began his Prozac, it might be that he needs a different medication that works better with his chemistry.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

So many of the things you talk about here are painfully familiar to me. I know how you feel, been there for a long time in a 20+ year long marriage that shouldn't have been. I wish I could get out but we don't have the money necessary to live separately.

I think the cause of these unfortunate marriages is not choosing wisely to begin with. I admit I was young, stupid and didn't know any better. She said that she loved me and I bought the lie. She also was like you say your H was in the beginning, loving attentive, we cared for each other needs, she supported me when I was going through bad times in the early years when I was layed off quite a few times. We fought all of that off to have the ****ty marriage we have now. I've given up, given all I can give and there's nothing left.

So to answer your question, how to you fix this, the answer is you don't. Unless both of you realize there is a problem and want to fix it together, no amount of therapy or reading books or self analysis is going to help.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

So let me understand this. He was taking Prozac before the marriage and he was the perfect husband until a year ago? Something other than work stress must have triggered his bad behavior. I think something is missing here.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Medications such as Prozac can have some severe side effects, including changes to sex drive and how emotion is felt. If these negative changes started around the time he began his Prozac, it might be that he needs a different medication that works better with his chemistry.


Yeah, if he was Mr. Wonderful for ten years and then suddenly changed personality a few months after starting on Prozac, I'd say that talking to his doctor should be your absolute first plan of action. Eliminate the obvious first before working on the rest. Basic science.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Hello! Btw, Prozac is actually an anti-depressant medication , a SSRI to be technical. So your hubby had a case of depression , prescribed Prozac b/f marriage and he is still on them? Which means he still feels depressed. How long has been on them? When was his last medication review. A personality change would equate to a mental health issue here. I would recommend seeing a DR and get a referral for a psychologist / psychiatrist. Good luck and take care . 


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I agree with what has been suggested. Sounds as though you had a great relationship before depression lurked in. Seems to me you should make sure he is actually on the right meds. If this is something that started happening when he started taking the meds then obviously they are the wrong ones. 
I can understand how you feel and want to throw in the towel but I would make sure it isn't anything bio chemical before chalking him up to an $ss.
If things check out medically then he seems to have been able to pull the wool over your eyes. I think you could talk to him until the sun went down and you'd be in the same situation as you are today. 
If he won't get help for the drinking (which by the way is NOT a good thing to do while in any anti depressant) might be time to consider a separation. 


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