# Husband looking at porn and brothel sites...



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I found out my H has been looking at porn for the last 4 months. Well actually, he confessed after I told him I saw a stack of links on our net nanny report which I presumed were his dad's. (His dad is staying with us part time).

There were links to porn, web can sites, and links to specific local massage places and brothels including roster pages.

H is a sex addict I'm long term recovery, however has not (to my knowledge) gone to brothers since a while before we met. Since being together, he has busted with the porn from time to time, but not gone to brothels.

When he came clean, he said he didn't know where the webcam links came from, that he didn't look up webcam, and as for the local brothels, he got the links from the local paper and typed those in manually. He said he did it to test if net nanny worked (although he had been doing it before I installed it) and that he was looking at full porn videos, but when he was looking at brothel links he was only trying to hack net nanny and was just wanting to look at the images. 

I was genuinely surprised he had been looking at porn all that time, but I guess my feelings don't count for much. I feel pretty stupid assuming it was his dad, knowing H had a sex addiction which at one time controlled his life. 

I am feeling confused about the brothel links though, I have never known him to look these up. I told him that guys don't look at porn mags for the articles, therefore why would he be looking at brothel sites (and roster pages) for the images? 

I don't know if he is in denial or if I am just really naive?

I told him I am going to get tested for STDs for my own peace of mind. My feeling is that he was honest with me but after he told me this stuff, I realized my feelings don't count for facts. I am pregnant with our first baby and I know some STDs can be harmful so I owe it to our baby to take that precaution.

We have both been under massive stress this year, and H's dad is dying and staying with us part time and there have been en some boundary and trust issues there with FIL being a hopeless gambler who lies about everything. 

I am glad H came clean, but at the same time, disappointed that he told me only after I told him I saw the report and attributed it to his dad. Like he felt bad that I thought that of his dad so he fessed up for that reason, not 1 or 2 or 3 months before, or a day before. I feel pretty second rate...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

QuietSoul said:


> ....*H is a sex addict I'm long term recovery,* however has not (to my knowledge) gone to brothers since a while before we met. Since being together, he has busted with the porn from time to time, but not gone to brothels.
> 
> When he came clean, he said he didn't know where the webcam links came from, that he didn't look up webcam, and as for the local brothels, he got the links from the local paper and typed those in manually. He said he did it to test if net nanny worked (although he had been doing it before I installed it) and that he was looking at full porn videos, but when he was looking at brothel links he was only trying to hack net nanny and was just wanting to look at the images.
> 
> ...


Wow that is a lot. Great that you are getting STD tested. Very smart. You sound like you have a great understanding of the situation, the issues and the cause of many of the problems.

As to the Brothels. I would wager that he is testing himself and slowly seeing what it would take to go over the edge. He could be "daring" himself to cheat. Usually, going to a brothel is not about "just sex" it is about some fantasy he is too ashamed to reveal to you (his wife), for fear that you will judge him and ridicule him. At a brothel he can ask for anything and find someone who will deliver what he wants for the right price.

You should probably ask your H that since he is a recoverying sex addict, that you want him to be burtally honest with you when he has urges he finds difficult to control so that you can try to find ways to help support his recovery. You will need to be non-judgemental when he confesses to you, but you can help him and it might bring the two of your closer as a team.

You and your H are going to be under even more stress when his father dies and your baby is born. You should probably consider some counseling now about all the stress factors in your life. Sooner is far better than later.

Good luck.


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## confusedinTX (May 9, 2008)

I am going to ask if he is in recovery does that mean he did treatment and is still actively working on it? I ask this because I am living this. I found some sites back in July and my husband claimed to go on dates but not sex. Porn had been an issue for years and strip clubs and such so we started counseling and the counselor called him out as an addict. Then in October I finally listened to the voice screaming in my head and found proof of him belonging to a escort site and he has been acting out since 2004. He is in counseling and going to SA meetings. That is what I mean by working on it. He admitted to going for months without the large porn watching and the escorts but without truly working on it they are probably acting out. I hate to say it but he has probably acted on it unless he is in true recovery and if he was on the sites more then one night then it is probably an issue. I know how much it sucks and my heart goes out to you but I would look into things and see what you find. If there is nothing you will feel better and if there is something it is better to make him get help before the baby comes. What is the nanny net thing?


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Not that I have ever looked at porn, but . . .

Many of the sites that serve adult content sell different types of display advertising, some of which AUTOMATICALLY open secondary browser windows that feature sites for call girls, web cams and other illicit services (even that horrible A$hley Mad1son site that STILL makes many a BS trigger). 

Not saying this IS the reason, but it could be. Maybe a chance to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about what sites he has been to, and you can test to see what windows pop up. If they are some of the same, then maybe he is being truthful?

If he is indeed a sex addict, or has a pornography problem, then I get your concerns. But keep in mind that an adult looking at legal pornagraphy periodically does not make a bad person. Just my opinion, and each relationship should be honest about expectations etc. But I do sometimes see people on this site vilifying any pornagraphy viewing as inherently evil, which I think is unhealthy. Again, just my opinion and not relevant to a relationship where sex addiction has been a problem. Just saying.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband was not "only trying to hack the net nanny" to see if he could look at images. 
It makes no sense for him to be looking at brothel links to see images when he could just look at porn. 

If he us a sex addict then shouldn't he be staying way from all of this stuff. 

I recently read an article (might even have been posted on TAM) about how sex addiction is not accurate and it's an excuse for poor impulse control and behaviour. 

If I were you I would be drawing my line in the sand and seeking counseling. If you let him rug sweep this you are in for a world of hurt.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I've got to point out, that I don't think you can at all be sure that he has "come clean" to you, when even you yourself suspect that he is still lying and covering his tracks.

So many red flags here:

1. Testing the net nanny filter? Non-sense. IF that was something a sex addict planned to do, don't you think he'd be smart enough to involve you in the test and make sure you understood completely why that might show up on the report?
2. You've gotta realize that porn addiction is no less strong than alcohol or drug addiction. He's an addict (most men are to some degree) and that means they are VERY good at figuring out ways to hide the addiction.
3. Add in the massive stress you mention you guys have had this year, his father struggling, and your being pregnant, it completely makes sense why he would turn to porn and indeed possibly brothel's or sensual massages.

Has he ever been in porn addiction recovery programs of any kind? Does he have an accountability partner? Does he have access to internet devices that don't have net nanny type software installed? (Like smartphones, tablets, video game consoles?) Who controls the net nanny account?

Also, realize that this stuff isn't your fault. There is nothing you've done to bring on this behavior. If anything, try to understand that it IS an addiction and therefore it is INCREDIBLY difficult to quit. He is very likely quite honestly not trying to hurt you at all, in fact I bet he probably wishes he could stop or didn't feel the need to betray you like this. The biggest problem with porn is that it *feels* like a victimless crime and is incredibly easy to hide because it produces no obvious side effects. Alcoholics will be caught drunk, drug addicts will be caught high (or lose their teeth, weight, jobs, etc.), gamblers will lose their wealth, etc. Porn addicts face none of those hurdles.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi all, thx for responding, I have been reading and will respond soon. All hell has just broken loose, his dad is back staying with us and I am trying to tip toe around everyone while my boundaries get trampled again. Sorry , ranting now, and on a tangent...


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> As to the Brothels. I would wager that he is testing himself and slowly seeing what it would take to go over the edge. He could be "daring" himself to cheat. Usually, going to a brothel is not about "just sex" it is about some fantasy he is too ashamed to reveal to you (his wife), for fear that you will judge him and ridicule him. At a brothel he can ask for anything and find someone who will deliver what he wants for the right price.


Interesting thoughts. It made me remember something that happened in April. We went overseas for a pre-baby holiday, and although interest on both parts has waned for a while, we did have sex a few times over there.

On one of the occasions, he was trying to coerce me to do anal stuff, like trying to stimulate me in that area. He already knows that i am not wanting to go there. I spoke up and asked him to stop, so he stopped, then he kind of started again, then i spoke up again, he stopped, then he started again, then went away to do something, and he came back and i was feeling upset, we kind of talked about it and i said that he knew i already didn't want to do this and he was trying to make things go in that direction even after i said no. 

I know the anal thing is a really common theme in porn and since your comment i have wondered if this is something he has always wanted to do and this is why he is lurking around brothel sites...

Since it all came out a few weeks ago, i asked him about this, i said did he do any of this because there is something i'm not doing for him or some "area of interest", and i asked him what that was about when he was trying to influence me to do anal stuff, and he said it was a fetish and something that was in his head because he had been looking at porn. 

..... I don't want to rule it out altogether forever but i feel like we need to talk more about it...



Young at Heart said:


> You should probably ask your H that since he is a recoverying sex addict, that you want him to be burtally honest with you when he has urges he finds difficult to control so that you can try to find ways to help support his recovery. You will need to be non-judgemental when he confesses to you, but you can help him and it might bring the two of your closer as a team.


I had tended to lean more the other way, like i ask him how "things" are going (our code word for sex addiction stuff and struggling). He might say good, or okay, or not a great day, if he is having any significant struggles i encourage him to make a call to his sponsor or one of the meeting guys which he does do. I guess it's been my way of giving him space and not being in his face about every "bad thought" he has. If he's having a pretty bad time, i might ask about the nature, like what he's feeling tempted with, or if there's any big stuff he needs to tell me, but even then i will still encourage him to make calls.

I haven't bothered asking him about "things" since the big confession because it doesn't mean anything if there's little trust. But i feel like H is trying to make more effort and trying to be more sincere since then...



Young at Heart said:


> You and your H are going to be under even more stress when his father dies and your baby is born. You should probably consider some counseling now about all the stress factors in your life. Sooner is far better than later.


This time is coming closer and closer... I think his dad might have about 2 weeks now, but no more than that. Baby is due in 2 months. I had gotten in touch with a marriage counsellor we had seen before, she was really good. But i don't see it happening until after FIL passes as things are just too hectic at the moment...


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

confusedinTX said:


> I am going to ask if he is in recovery does that mean he did treatment and is still actively working on it? I ask this because I am living this. I found some sites back in July and my husband claimed to go on dates but not sex. Porn had been an issue for years and strip clubs and such so we started counseling and the counselor called him out as an addict. Then in October I finally listened to the voice screaming in my head and found proof of him belonging to a escort site and he has been acting out since 2004. He is in counseling and going to SA meetings. That is what I mean by working on it. He admitted to going for months without the large porn watching and the escorts but without truly working on it they are probably acting out. I hate to say it but he has probably acted on it unless he is in true recovery and if he was on the sites more then one night then it is probably an issue. I know how much it sucks and my heart goes out to you but I would look into things and see what you find. If there is nothing you will feel better and if there is something it is better to make him get help before the baby comes. What is the nanny net thing?


Thanks Confused 

Yes, H is in SA. He used to be in SLAA for many years, but for the last 6 years he has been in SA. He goes to two meetings a week and has a sponsor and some good close friends who are on a good sober path.

He swears by the 12 steps and I understand and appreciate that, but my concern is that he goes to this meeting, shares with the boys, comes home to me and there is this disconnect, like i don't need to know every detail of every bad thought he has had that day and I don't ask, but when he's not sober, he will not be honest with me. He will still go to meetings, "work the program", confess stuff to the boys, get support, but the thing is, he is married to me. This whole time he has been going to his meetings but for several months he didn't tell me anything. Porn is a bottom line for him, and porn is something that we have an agreement on that he tells me if he has been acting out with it. When someone isn't sober but they go to meetings, it's like going to church on Sundays but living the rest of your life however you want. I feel there is a disconnect between his meetings and real life. He will confess to them because there is no real consequence for him and no real accountability to people who are actually impacted who he is in real relationship with. Like me for eg. That's my gripe with these meetings...

But at the same time i know he has gotten so much out of the program and i know others have too. But for me, i have a love hate relationship lol...

I'm glad your H found recovery through 12 steps and glad to hear he is on a good path

Re "Net Nanny", it's a type of internet nanny or internet filter. It can block porn sites among a bunch of other things depending on the settings you set up. It hasn't worked out very well, obviously, but there are other better ones around. There is Safe Eyes, and Covenant Eyes which we will probably get. Those ones email you a report of all computer history etc, even if he goes "incognito" or wipes google history, everything will still come up on that report. H wants us to get Covenant Eyes for that reason, he said if i am emailed those reports, thta will help him alot...


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> Not that I have ever looked at porn, but . . .
> 
> Many of the sites that serve adult content sell different types of display advertising, some of which AUTOMATICALLY open secondary browser windows that feature sites for call girls, web cams and other illicit services (even that horrible A$hley Mad1son site that STILL makes many a BS trigger).
> 
> ...


Thx for responding 

Re the webcam thing.... i could be naive but i do feel he is being truthful with that one. There were a few specific sites that were webcam sites that were looked up. I am wondering if the father-in-law has been online after all, maybe it's both of them. Who knows....

I do tend to believe H when he says he didn't look up webcam. I know those things pop up. I think if H was coming clean on the rest (and not just what i found evidence of) that he wouldn't withhold that from me. But the whole looking up brothels thing really threw me, and made me realise, after this going on for months, that maybe i don't know H as well as i thought i did, and that maybe i am naive and maybe too trusting...

H does have a whole-box-and-dice sex addiction. In his fellowship (and also to him personally), porn is a "bottom line", or a "bust". I know for him that he spirals with it out of control, and after these several months, i think the progression of that has been with him looking at brothel sites.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

pavlizhec said:


> I know how much it sucks and my heart goes out to you but I would look into things and see what you find.


Thx


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Your husband was not "only trying to hack the net nanny" to see if he could look at images.
> It makes no sense for him to be looking at brothel links to see images when he could just look at porn.
> 
> If he us a sex addict then shouldn't he be staying way from all of this stuff.
> ...


Well yah.... my point exactly. Guys don't look at porn mags for the articles. Why would they look at brothel sites (including pages with roster hours) for the images when he already found a way to look at porn?

Last week i got in touch with a marriage counsellor who has helped us on and off over the years. She has been great. But i don't think we will get around to seeing her until after FIL passes away, things just way to hectic right now with FIL...


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

cdbaker said:


> I've got to point out, that I don't think you can at all be sure that he has "come clean" to you, when even you yourself suspect that he is still lying and covering his tracks.
> 
> So many red flags here:
> 
> ...


Thx 

Yes, he is in SA (Sexaholics Anonymous), a 12 step program. Before that he was in SLAA. I made some comments further up about that and my critiques of the whole 12 step thing. I do value it and can appreciate how it helps many people but i do feel it has a few holes that can't just be addressed with "more meetings". 

Accountability partner... he has a SA sponsor, but at the end of the day, it's like this separate cocoon from the rest of his real life world, separate from me. I have been respectful and given him that space and not been in his face every five minutes. But maybe that was a mistake of mine, maybe i should have been more involved somehow.

We have Net Nanny but are changing to another more effective internet filter, probably Safe Eyes or Covenant Eyes, which email direct reports on all internet usage to me or whoever is nominated as administrator. 

I am still wary and not completely trusting just yet... he isn't the type to only admit what he has been caught red handed with, he will generally come clean, but i do feel he tries to keep it all pretty general and holds back specifics.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

QuietSoul said:


> ....On one of the occasions, he was trying to coerce me to do anal stuff, like trying to stimulate me in that area. *He already knows that i am not wanting to go there*.
> 
> ....I know the anal thing is a really common theme in porn and since your comment i have wondered if this is something he has always wanted to do and this is why he is lurking around brothel sites...
> 
> ...



When the baby arrives, you will be sleep deprived and sex will be off your agenda for a while. That is often a time when horny husbands act on their urges.

May I suggest that you do something now and that it prepares you for "taking care of him" after the baby arrives and before you are recovered enough to have sex.

You can find, either on Amazon or a good adult sex store, male mastabutory sleeves made by a company that goes by the name of Fleshlight. It is a thing one can lube and then slide over his penis and use for masturbation. They have a number of different designs. On some the "entrance" is shaped like a pair of lips. On others it is shaped live a vulva. And on others it is shaped like an annus. Some of them are even made from the cast of a porn star. If you want to go all out, get one of a porn star and get one of her anal DVDs.

After you purchase one of the "anal" Fleshlights, tell you H that you have a surpise for him. That you know how much he wants to try anal and so you have arranged for a "3-some" with a "sl:xt" who will allow him to do her back there later after dinner. That should make for an interesting dinner.

Then after dinner ask him and tease him until you are ready. 

Then take out the FleshLight and introduce him this is your "sl:xtty girlfriend" he get's tonight. You can either use in by laying next to him while you stroke him with it. Or you can get on your hands and knees, hold it between your legs and ask him to "fu#k" your "sl:xtty friend" in her butt. 

Or maybe start the DVD after dinner. Tell him you arrange for him to do anal with a porn star. When the DVD gets to a part the he really likes, hit the pause button and whip out you new toy and play the part of the porn star for his fantasy. Use some of the encouraging anguage you heard her say on the DVD as you urge him to completion.

This is a way for you to go part way to giving him what he wants, respect your own boundaries on not technically doing it, and showing that you trying to partly meet his needs. If it really is a porn thing, you should talk dirty like a porn starewhile it is between your legs and let him play out his fetish.

After it is over, take some time to give him some "after care." Look him in the eyes. Tell him you love him as a husband and father to your child. Tell him how good he is. Stoke the hair on his head. After he is feeling loved and calm, then ask him to tell you how it felt and whether he enjoyed your helping him live out his fettish. You can tell him that you enjoyed acting wild, but you are not ready to have him actually in that part of you. That you won't rule it out for all times, but that you do want to make him happy. 

Good luck.


P.S. I forgot he was in a sex addict/porn recovery program. Scratch the porn DVD and the porn start shapped opening. Also you might want to tone down the dirty talk a little. Still allowing him to explore a fetish with his wife in marriage, as opposed to with a sex worker in a Brothel is a better alternative.

Good luck.


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