# Was this an affair in the making?



## summersoul (Mar 23, 2014)

Hi everyone,

I´m with my girlfriend for 2 years now. I am 26, she is 21. At first some facts about her.

She seems like a good girl. Always telling me how much she loves me, always giving me attention. She is from africa, a culture where the people are more open minded and flirtatious, i guess. In her past she used to hang around with old men who did things for her. When they wanted to get physical, she broke the "relationships" with them. But that was in the past... We often argued about her being flirtatious with her "male friends" from her country through chatting. She told me, its just the way some people are.. I think she likes the attention from men but wouldn´t go as far as cheating. We argued about this a lot and even a few weeks before the following incident happened we fought about it...

After one year of our relationship I asked her what she is doing on the weekend. She told, she is going to another town. I asked what for and she told just to take a walk. After I asked with whom she told with a male friend, who is like family to her..

I get suspicious and asked her to tell me everything about it and she told me: Her friend, who is living here too and is also from her country, asked her to meet her cousin, because her friend is living too far away to meet him. This cousin was new in our country and knows nobody, he was living in a town near the town we both living at. Her friend just wanted her to keep company with him. But she warned my girlfriend that he is a bad boy and she should be careful. So my girlfriend started chatting with him. Even if u can see each other on this chatting app, they exchanged pics. She sent him one new pic of her face and one where u can see her in whole. She told me she just wanted to see who she is talking with. Hmmm!? This guy got flirtatious with her, made compliments. He was also rich and was bragging about his money, told her that he could buy her drinks and even buy her a ticket to her home country if she want to go with him on vacation there.. Hmm!? I never saw the chat but she told me, that she said no to this. He wanted to come to her place (our town) but she refused and told him, she will come to his place... Even though it was clear that he doesnt just take a walk in the town but wanted to cook for her and go to a club, she told me that she would never do that and that she only wanted to walk around in the town and maybe drink a coffee with him. She even canceled two days before she told me about and said, that she didn´t want to go at all. She just told him she will come, but didn´t want to. So why you wanna go now, i asked? She said that he was asking and asking and she didn´t want to cancel a third time.. 

I got very suspicious and asked her many many questions, which she had an answer for all of them and it sounds so true... 
Why you didn´t invite me? - Because u refused to go with me to my female friends in the past and i thought you don´t want to go again (which is true). 
Why you didn´t invite him to our town? - Because he would insist to come to my place and I just wanted to hang around in the town, so I wanted to go to his town and didn´t want to go to his home.
Did u know that he was just after sex and was impressing u with his money? - I knew that but all men are like that and I didn´t care about it.
Why didn´t u stop talking to him after u knew he just was after sex? - Because I wanted to do a favor to my friend. (This may be true, because she has problems to say no to people and wants to be friendly with everyone. She did things to her friends even if she didn´t want to, because she was afraid of their reactions in the past)
Why u didn´t told me about him when u was chatting with him? - Because it wasn´t important..

So I talked to her friend and it´s true that she asked her. But I just can´t believe it all was so harmles. My GF told me she didn´t find him attractive and he was disturbing and she really didn´t want to meet him but she just wanted to do this favor to her friend and that´s why she was nice to him. She even told him about me and always was telling him what we were doing and stuff (this is true). She even sent him pics of us together... And she saw him like a kind of part of her family.. Like a kind of family friend... HMM!?

But I still can´t believe this story and that it was all like this. She also lies very often and also lied to me many times during our relationship.. If it´s true maybe thats why I can´t believe this... She also is telling me "of course i could have say no to my friend about this favor, but I wanted to do it!"

What do u guys think about this? Maybe a lie detector will help me know the truth?? Considering her past, it is really hard to believe that...

Waiting for answers!

Regards.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

She's very untrustworthy -- you sure you want to be with this girl? Sounds like drama.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

summersoul said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I´m with my girlfriend for 2 years now. I am 26, she is 21. At first some facts about her.
> 
> ...


And there you have it.



summersoul said:


> What do u guys think about this? Maybe a lie detector will help me know the truth??


Who cares?!? You're not married, you're only 2 years in, and she's a habitual liar!!! Kick her to the curb and move on.



summersoul said:


> Waiting for answers!


You have all the answers in front of you; you're just asking the wrong questions.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Out of curiosity, what is your ethnic background and where are you two living these days?

When I was your age, I would put up with a lot in a relationship in the name of being understanding / flexible / etc.

These days, being more than twice your age, I realise how much easier life is when you choose others who have the same values as you do.

What men generally find with women who "have lots of male friends" is that they have loose boundaries and will fight with their partner every step of the way for their "rights." the right to hang out with whomever / whenever / however and you are left accused of being controlling / close minded / insecure / etc.

If you don't like her hanging out with men as often as she does and in the way that she does, then it is time to get a new girlfriend. -- one who sees things the same way that you do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think your GF doesn't have it in her to affair proof this relationship or any relationship for that matter.

Her view on men is unhealthy IMHO.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

She's 21. This is very common for women that age. They don't want to feel "owned" and they love the attention.

OP, move on bud. Take the initiative to leave her and maybe she'll divulge more truths in the process. But still leave.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Your 26 she is only 21. This relationship sounds like a high school crush. She is still immature and you need to find another women who doesn't think she is still in high school with her childish antics. If she is telling half truths now, how can you possibly take this girl seriously.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You want a relationship with a girl that can't or wont tell you the truth or be honest, then you don't have a stable relationship and pretty soon the lies and the truth will be so blurred that you can't tell one from the other. 

It's your choice but with lying goes trust so what do you have in a relationship worth keeping.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The other posters are right....move on. I know it sucks to hear this but its better to be a little hurt and disappointed now than to have your life, M, and kid's lives blown apart later if you stay with her and she cheats.

It's not the favor....it's the hiding, deception, and lies.

This is who she is, and its unlikely to change in the future.


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## summersoul (Mar 23, 2014)

Hello everyone, thanks for the replies.

We are living in an european country. My ethical background, yeah european..

I appreciate that u all telling me I should leave because she is a lyar. And yeah its true, she is a habitual lyar. She lies very often, sometimes just to impress people.

BUT, what do you think about the situation itself????? Im very curious of this.. Can it be possible, that her intention was just friendly??? Please give me ur opinion on that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

summersoul said:


> BUT, what do you think about the situation itself????? Im very curious of this.. Can it be possible, that her intention was just friendly??? Please give me ur opinion on that.


Possibly (though probably not), but WHO CARES?!?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, for a grown man, you don't seem very mature.

Look, this woman is a cheater, and she will keep on cheating.
You can play around with her, but as far as getting serious, no way.

And forget the culture crap.
She has been screwing the old guys she like, and using the the ones she don't, so she shut those down when it look like she has gotten all she can get.

Look where you are man.
You are asking for advice on the net, cause your guts are roiling.

Now, you don't seem to want to consider leaving her, so look, YOU are being tested. She is seeing how low she can get you to crawl.

Tell me, why do you feel you don't deserve better ?
Is this the best looking girl you've ever had?
Or is she the best looking and the best in bed too ??
Those old guys must have taught her a lot.

Seems like, since she has gotten you used to her an older men, she now wants to get her a bad boy for fun, and keep you too.
You know the type.

Little advice, get tested for td's my man.

Some times I cringe when reading this stuff from people who should know better.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

You said she has a history of using men for money. Sounds like she was going to do it again. Honestly I don't know how you could trust her with an attitude like that.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

She often lies to you? Are you listening to yourself? Your concept of what's acceptable in a relationship is as blurry as hers. 

Dump her. Educate yourself on what it takes to maintain a successful relationship before you get involved with another girl. Good luck.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

I spilled my coffee reading "he's rich, offered to buy her drinks" and "she refused and offered to go to his place". But then I rewound back and checked the "old man" bit... This is hilarious actually: not only she had a sugar daddy, she actually duped him! 

I'm sorry the whole relationship looks like a scam to me. No pun, but what do you do when you have an email from Nigeria, asking you to help a prince in exile to wire his billions out of there? Send your credit card number?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Little Liar Princess. Oh, yeah, marriage material, I'd be bound!

You dodged a bullet.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You have said that, in the past, she manipulated men to get her way. BTW she is 21, you've been dating 2 years, so I assume she did this 14-18 yo range, if it was in the "past".

You have said that she often lies to you.

You haven't said if you have any children. Assuming not.

You haven't said when you are kicking her to the curb. Hopefully ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

My first knee-jerk gut reaction was that she's not merely cheating, but dabbling with being a paid escort on the side. Not saying "she is"; it was just my imitial thought...

She's 21 and she already has a "past" about entertaining men...? 

You already know ahat to do. What it actually was all about is almost immaterial to the bigger picture. Stay with her for any amount of time and there will be countless times just like this that leave you scratching your head wondering what section of the twilight zone you're in.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Unfortunately 21 year olds are too mentally immature and inexperienced to commit to anyone. You yourself are too young to commit to anyone. Under the circumstances of how she "is" behaving right now, she has to get her heart broken several times before she will be ready for marriage or anything serious...Sorry Ol' Chap, that's the biology of the matter. If you continue with her, your heart will be broken...Check her in another 8-10 years.


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## summersoul (Mar 23, 2014)

Hi again, thanks for the replies.

But don´t u think u are judging a little too hard? I mean the past is the past, everyone made mistakes. And the lies she told me were small lies, nothing big...
And after I told her that I don´t want her to meet this guy, she didn´t go (i know for sure) and broke the contact to him immediately. There was never any contact up to this day.

So why judging her by her past and don´t concentrate on the situation? I know she is a habitual lyar. 
BUT I JUST WANT YOUR OPINION ON THE SITUATION, please!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

summersoul said:


> Hi again, thanks for the replies.
> 
> But don´t u think u are judging a little too hard? I mean the past is the past, everyone made mistakes. And the lies she told me were small lies, nothing big...
> And after I told her that I don´t want her to meet this guy, she didn´t go (i know for sure) and broke the contact to him immediately. There was never any contact up to this day.
> ...


It's even the little lies that would bother me. Also, even though there is no apparent contact, that doesn't speak to the fact she may want to. Now, that said, I am not implying that's the case. But no contact takes a different meaning to different people. She needs to be wholly devoted and supportive to you and your relationship. If the NC is just to appease you, but she personally disagrees with it, and since her little lies seem to be her character then I would have to question her sincerity. Only you can judge all that. Because if she is not fully on board and fully gets it, she won't, she may not see any harm in limited contact so long as she doesn't feel like she is crossing her boundaries. That is where problems can start.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

summersoul said:


> Hi again, thanks for the replies.
> 
> But don´t u think u are judging a little too hard? I mean the past is the past, everyone made mistakes. And the lies she told me were small lies, nothing big...
> And after I told her that I don´t want her to meet this guy, she didn´t go (i know for sure) and broke the contact to him immediately. There was never any contact up to this day.
> ...


Well... so you want to judge her by her future, instead of her past?
You do know that past actions are the best indicators of the future, correct?

The reason we say this is because I can guarantee you that as smart as you might think you are, you're never going to be smart enough to always 100% of the time figure out the difference in what's a little white lie and what's a dealbreaking, holy crap, how did you possible do that lie, and shouldn't ever have to. You are early in your relationship with her and already asking questions.

Cheaters lie, and therefore lying is a big red flag assuming you can't tolerate a cheater. As I told my stbxww, I have been around some liars and cheaters. I just choose not to associate with them... Nor be married to one. Plain & simple, really. 

Why would you tolerate and subject yourself to that? She must be SOME piece of a**, and/or out of your league... I said it before: Stick around for any length of time, and you WILL be questioning that decision.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

summersoul said:


> Hi again, thanks for the replies.
> 
> But don´t u think u are judging a little too hard? I mean the past is the past, everyone made mistakes. And the lies she told me were small lies, nothing big...
> And after I told her that I don´t want her to meet this guy, she didn´t go (i know for sure) and broke the contact to him immediately. There was never any contact up to this day.
> ...


It's been given to you... over and over and over. *You're just not listening to any of it.*

I mean... come the f*ck on, man... WHY WOULD YOU PROVIDE THE BACKGROUND INFO AT ALL IF IT'S NOT "FAIR GAME" FOR US TO TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION?!?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

summersoul said:


> Hi again, thanks for the replies.
> 
> But don´t u think u are judging a little too hard? I mean the past is the past, everyone made mistakes. And the lies she told me were small lies, nothing big...
> And after I told her that I don´t want her to meet this guy, she didn´t go (i know for sure) and broke the contact to him immediately. There was never any contact up to this day.
> ...


Best wishes to both of you on a lifetime of happiness!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

she is a girlfriend...not a wife or mother of your kids...why would you even want to continue with this
the P cant be THAT good

"When they wanted to get physical, she broke the "relationships" with them"...um...yeah...I call bull chit


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is the kind of thread that makes me think that men go after "alpha traits" in women as well.

Honesty, integrity, generosity, patience and so on are not mentioned at all about the woman in question.

But she sure does know how to make men dance on a string. And the OP still wants some of that.......


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

summersoul said:


> Hi again, thanks for the replies.
> 
> But don´t u think u are judging a little too hard? I mean the past is the past, everyone made mistakes. And the lies she told me were small lies, nothing big...
> And after I told her that I don´t want her to meet this guy, she didn´t go (i know for sure) and broke the contact to him immediately. There was never any contact up to this day.
> ...


You have your fingers in your ears don't ya. Shouting "LALALALA"
You're 26 going on 14. Read up on the answers you got. You're being a bit obtuse.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

summersoul said:


> BUT I JUST WANT YOUR OPINION ON THE SITUATION, please!!


 My opinion of the situation is that your girlfriend was going to see another guy behind your back, to at the very least spend the afternoon with him walking, drinking coffee and getting to know him better; she was going to do this knowing full well that his intentions toward her were fully romantic. This is called a date. Dating other men while in a committed relationship is called cheating.


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