# You take a chance when you R



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I gave him another chance. Boy what a mistake. He got back into the house and never left. He never showed remorse and blamed me for not being a good Christian and just forgetting all about it. 

He poisoned our son against me to the point I got so depressed and lost so much weight and I could not take the pressure and lectures any longer. I ended up leaving when I was close to a mental collapse. 

Think twice about taking a cheater back. A clean break is sometimes best for the BS.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

indiecat said:


> I gave him another chance. Boy what a mistake. He got back into the house and never left. He never showed remorse and blamed me for not being a good Christian and just forgetting all about it.
> 
> He poisoned our son against me to the point I got so depressed and lost so much weight and I could not take the pressure and lectures any longer. I ended up leaving when I was close to a mental collapse.
> 
> Think twice about taking a cheater back. A clean break is sometimes best for the BS.


I do fell for you my dear, but you should never have allowed him back until he had proven himself remorseful and trustworthy whlst not living under the same roof.

Did he keep his A going or did you just get to the point of ot knowing where the floor is anymore???,


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i did think twice. and im glad i took her back. 

you just gotta enforce your boundaries. find out what you want and demand it or D. 
that way, no regrets.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

The first big chance we take us when we get married in the first place. No matter how you feel at the time, people change and things change and things never turn out exactly how you planned, sometimes better, a lot of times worse, but never exactly how you'd thought they'd turn out. Marriage itself, if current statistics are to be believed, is a 50/50 shot at best.

I knew I was taking a big, big chance when I decided to reconcile, but looking back it's not any bigger than our getting married in the first place. In fact I like my odds better this time. As Roger Daltry said, l "won't get fooled again!".


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> i did think twice. and im glad i took her back.
> 
> you just gotta enforce your boundaries. find out what you want and demand it or D.
> that way, no regrets.


That's just it - I didn't want to have to "enforce" anything. She was my wife, not a prison inmate. I want to be able to trust, not be a prison guard waiting to be shanked. 

Just speaking for myself of course - no disrespect to anyone in R. I tried it, but it just wasn't worth it for me.

I hope things are going great for you though, and best of luck.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I have no regrets for trying to R twice, but do wish I had gone about it differently. Rather than taking her in I should have taken a trial 30 to 60 day separation period to get my head straight and decide the best course to take.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

indie,

I'm so sorry it went that way for you. I wish you all the best of love and luck. I hope you are well, now and don't settle for anything less than what you need. Some things can be settled on, and some cannot. I hope you know what those are and stick to your boundaries. I think you will find less pain and guilt when you do.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I took him back mostly because he had an almost fatal heart attack. And he would sit on the front porch and cry in the heat and the kids would see that and beg me to let him in. 

The affair had stopped, he on his own went to her church and denounced her to her elders. That was to 'prove' that it was over. And I got an email from her warning me she'd come after me legally if I contacted her or her family. I had spoken to one of her older sons when I was trying to get at the truth, he had said he was just 'looking after his dead friends' widow'. So it was hard to know the truth.

And our son who was then 16 was going through a depression himself, and said if dad couldn't come back then he would have to go with him and look after him. 

I thought I was doing a good thing taking him back for the sake of the kids. 

Now neither child speaks to me, because I got so depressed and he was so verbally and mentally abusive that I was the one to leave. 
Oh well, not every story has a happy ending.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

That is tough, indie. I think you will find peace moving forward. It may not look like what you thought it would, but I bet you will be as happy as you let yourself. 

I see the empathy you had for him. I read that you felt trapped. I read that you likely would have ended up the same, with less trouble in the end, if you had chosen to let him cry and find his own help. 

You have a good heart. Don't waste it any more on those who don't deserve it. Keep your list of boundaries and check it often to make sure you don't fall back into offering help where it is not appreciated.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

you not dead yet. you can still make a happy ending. 

it will just be a little different than the one you had in mind.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

If he sat on your porch crying in the heat, why the heck didn't you wise up to the extreme level of emotional blackmail he was using and get a restraining order against him coming withi 5 blocks???

Sorry you are in this but you really didn't wise up to his bullying and mentality before you allowed him back, for that, it is all on you, he manipulated the kids to get what he wanted you wanted happy kids and suckered it in big time.

Guess you might have learned a valid lesson from this? Or maybe not?

My dead give away for this is the RELIGEOUS connection, people of high moral standards as taught in the bible should not cheat, this has now become a game to him and one you better be prepared to walk a million miles away from as it aint gonna get any easier for you which ever way you turn!!! 

Abandon all hope and bail, go and start a new life away from them, he has brain washed the kids, he is manipulating the situation to his advantage, to fight him will be expensive and lengthy and he has the house.

Cut your losses and move on with your life, write the kids a letter each and explain how you feel, leave a window open for communication but be sure it could be a long time comming.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I was too sympathetic I know. I watched him almost die during the heart attack, the blood soaking all the sheets from the angiogram, the fear in our son's eyes as he witnessed his dad's heart attack while we waited for the ambulance. 

He is the classic wolf in sheep's clothing. 

I thought I was protecting my kids from going through the trauma of divorce after they watched their dad almost die. But I was the one who got shafted. 

Lesson learned.....you put up with too much and then people, including your kids get a lower opinion of you, not the cheater.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

It's more like putting a gun to your thigh again and pulling the trigger - 'Maybe the bullet won't hurt me this time'.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

"chance"??
more like russian roullete

except 5 of the chamber are loaded instead of just 1

largely because people dont R very well...tam has excellent advice on R...
imo you HAVE to approach R as starting over...the marriage is done, the ws took a gian greasy crap on it and it needs to be thrown away...

divorce should ALWAYS happen...rigardless...
amicable of course otherwise R has already been killed
and then, only then, can R begin...
The WS HAS to have consequences, brutal hard consequences. they have to WORK for it

EVERYONE needs to know about the infedelity...family and friends...so they are either in your corner or toxic and discarded

all my opinions of course


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Healer said:


> That's just it - I didn't want to have to "enforce" anything. She was my wife, not a prison inmate. I want to be able to trust, not be a prison guard waiting to be shanked.
> 
> Just speaking for myself of course - no disrespect to anyone in R. I tried it, but it just wasn't worth it for me.
> 
> I hope things are going great for you though, and best of luck.


amen brother
When they sell the idea of marriage, or make chick flicks about marriage, it doesnt include:
key loggers, vars, hidden cameras, polygraph tests, gps in their cars, checking the spouses email, phone constantly, keeping track of cell records and texts, looking for strange numbers or unusual volume, periodically checking up on him/her to see if they are where they say they are, with WHO they say they are, dna testing, semen testing of panties...jeez how romantic

why would anyone sign up for that nonsense...how can that environment be better for the kids than D...they are sponges and catch on to everything:scratchhead:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

A cheater can change, I do believe that, but I also think its rare, like Mrs. JA, EI (sorry if I left anyone out)

I liken taking back someone that has cheated on you to jumping into the lion pit at the zoo.

There is a small chance that if I jump in the lion isn't hungry and won't eat me, but I'm still not going to jump in to find out.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I have been thirty years in a successful reconciliation.
> 
> We did not start over...we picked up where we left off...we never divorced...did not even separate....
> 
> ...


Me thinks you are the rare exception to the general rule.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My opinions are based on fact...because I have lived it.


Sorry, but I disagree with this statement. Your experiences and assumptions aren't "fact" either, as a fact is a provable and repeatable action that always results in the same outcome. Since the dynamic is different in every marriage and relationship the only true facts thats exist about infidelity are that everyone will be hurt during and after the experience (to what extent will vary for each individual and couple).

Yours are "truths" for your situation. experience, and marriage, but wouldn't work in my situation, and are not guaranteed to work in others either therefor they can't be facts.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Vell...that is perfectly understandable....and for you...divorce would absolutely be the right answer.
> 
> The problem we get into here on tam is that we begin to project what is right for us onto everybody else.


I try not to do that. I will tell someone, whether R is for them or not, if I feel divorce is the way to go. I won't say they have to do it, just one side of the advise coin, that's all.

Just don't want to see someone jumping into that lion pit without a really good reason to suspect the lion will NOT eat them.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I'm glad I gave R a chance. So far it is working out for me. Aside from some trust issues and the nightmares we are doing good. 

I'm truly sorry it didn't work out for you. Having the kids turned against you has to be the worst of it. One day they will grow up and look back and have a better understanding. I hope it will not take long.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I might be the exception...or maybe the others who are also successful remain quiet...for fear of ridicule


Now, now, you are only beaten up for the sport of it...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I might be the exception...or maybe the others who are also successful remain quiet...for fear of ridicule


i wonder about that too. maybe they are afraid that they will be accused of being a doormat?

as far as i see it, as long as there is remorse, respect, transparency, and a willingness to improve the relationship, reconciliation is a no brainer if you still love your spouse. 

maybe you and my wife ARE exceptions?
i have never got the slightest inclination that my wife blamed me for her affair, which is a common theme we see here on TAM. i think she was being used, but many waywards are. she owned up to all of it. had she done half the stuff that many wayward spouses do, i probably would have divorced her.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> And it will not hurt if your spouse removes the bullit...


No, it'll hurt like hell, then you get the bullet out, pour some vodka on it, stings like hell.

But after that, THEN the pain can start to slowly go away. But the bullet hole will still leave a scar, and sometimes that scar can hurt from time to time.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I might be the exception...or maybe the others who are also successful remain quiet...for fear of ridicule


There are members of my family, including my mother, who believe I am being a doormat just by virtue of reconciling. My mom has been a BS and a WS in three of four marriages.....her three previous marriages all ended due to adultery. She has also been the OW during times she was single and cheated in committed, dating relationships. So, I guess since she's been in every role she believes she's a good judge of all that, and me. Needless to say, her judgment doesn't carry much weight with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Mrs J. Adams, I would tell him what I wanted. I didn't want to hear his excuses that his shrink said it was a ptsd reaction to his friends death, or that he's had a nervous breakdown. He had way too much fun wining and dining her for me to believe that (credit card proof). 
I told him that when I triggered all I wanted was an 'I'm sorry I hurt you'. 
He wanted me to have amnesia that it ever happened. 

I did not harp on it. But he was supposed to be my life partner. and if something really upset me, which was only every few weeks or months all I wanted was an acknowledgement. Not 'you obviously don't believe in the Christian way of reconciliation and forgiveness do you? ' Or 'you are a hard woman and are going to end up alone and bitter'.

I am going forward with the divorce. Though my kids say that his heart function is now down to 20% and the financial stress is going to kill their father. I live alone, I don't even have a cat. Can't even say I've become a crazy cat lady, yet.

He exposed her to her elders to humiliate her, she has a very small congregation and was president of the ladies league. So everyone would find out that she had a 'friendship' with a married man. 
Yes the kids still believe all he had was a friendship and won't believe otherwise.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

or what did you do to cause the marriage to be bad enough that your spouse cheated

or why didn't you work on it when you had the chance

or ...aaa, that's enough. There are plenty of ways to blame the one who is betrayed and harmed the most by the infidelity. The WS usually is only harmed in a couple of ways:

Their AP abandons them
they lose income

We keep forgetting that sex is pleasurable. If we think back to when we were kids, and had sex, for those who have, it was exciting to sneak around behind parents' backs. It was fun to live on the edge of getting caught. That is similar to the affair dynamics. How is it that can be unpleasant, until the affair is caught and action taken to stop it or break the marriage? 

Being that the BS is generally not getting that pleasure or getting it as a form of duty, affection is withheld by default. Intimacy is suffering.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> The first time vell...yes....*but if the WS removes the bullit...there will be no second time*...and that is the subject here.


With that, I agree And I hope it holds true, for those who are truly remorseful anyway.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Vell...that is perfectly understandable....and for you...divorce would absolutely be the right answer.
> 
> The problem we get into here on tam is that we begin to project what is right for us onto everybody else.
> 
> I cannot tell you reconciliation is the correct answer for you...but it sure was for us....regardless of what others here on tam think.


Mrs.JA from reading your writings here on TAM it is apparent why your husband gave you a second chance. It was a wise choice in this case


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