# Update - 4 years later



## Granada (Jul 24, 2014)

I first posted on TAM in 2013 about problems in my marriage. They were severe issues, and I did not realize at the time that my ex was controlling and abusive. I am a south asian woman, living here without my family, and at the time my child was just about 18 months old. I had to abruptly leave because my ex took away my laptop and my TAM account was compromised. You were all SO generous with your time and advice, a bunch of you stayed in touch with me over email and PMs to support me, and help me think through my options. I am here to a) update you on my situation and b) seek advice on the current situation.

The last time I posted here in October or November 2013, I felt like I had no options. Severe verbal and emotional abuse that I didn't know then, but it was about to escalate to physical abuse. No job, no place to go, a little baby with health issues, no family, not much of a support system because my whole life had revolved around my ex. My ex was also threatening to stop me from going to my naturalization interview, so I was very worried about my immigration status and my rights in this country. Somehow he changed his mind at the last minute and I became a citizen - the first reprieve in my life in years.

In December 2013, things became really bad. Under the weight of the abuse I finally broke down, and one day as my ex was screaming at me again, I ran to the kitchen and started to swallow Tylenol pills. Hours later I was hospitalized for poisoning. When I got out of the hospital, I told myself this man was not worth dying for. From that day I decided to live for myself and my child. I decided that if my ex didn't change, I would leave him. You had all given me advice and a roadmap and I started focusing on preparing to leave.

In 2014 the abuse started to become physical. He hit me, prevented me from going out alone or with the child, and got his family to keep an eye on me. I felt like a prisoner all the time. In May he hit me and I finally had enough. I called 911. The cops came, and I was too ashamed to show them all my bruises (many of which were on my thighs and belly, covered with clothes). My ex told the cops that I had also assaulted him (a lie) and amazingly, we were both arrested. I was terribly ashamed, and we dropped charges against each other. The judge issued an order of protection, but the lawyer said nothing prevented us from living together. He behaved well for a few days, and then in June 2014, he hit me again and again... over 200 times, because I counted it out. I took it all. The next day, I saw a rare opportunity to leave, and I took my child, some clothes and whatever things i could fill into a laundry bag, called a taxi and left. I left with $60 cash, of which I paid $40 for the cab, starting my new life with a mere $20. I had no bank account, as my ex made me deposit all my earnings into his account, so to this very day, I have not got a single cent of my money back.

July 2014 was the return to court on the criminal charge. I was still hoping that we would reconcile. I still wanted him to go to counseling and I wanted to try and save my marriage. So when my ex sweet-talked me into not telling about the June incident, I hid the fact that he had hit me, and that we were living separately. The judge dismissed the case. Then my ex started to show his true colours. He hired a lawyer, and started sending intimidating letters to persuade me to return home because i would never make it on my own.

I was homeless and jobless, with a little child who needed therapies and help, and I had my mother who flew down from my home-country to help me out. We were living with her friend, but it was not easy and I needed to find my own bearings fast. Within two months, I found a full time job that allowed me to work from home, and I found us an apartment close to the daycare where my child could be among other children and get his therapies. The pay wasn't great and I hated the job with its long hours, but it paid the bills. None of this was easy to do, but with hard work and some really good luck, I was on the first step to making it on my own.

It was hard for my parents - they took turns coming here to support me and help with the baby. My mom came for six months, then had to return when her visa expired; then my dad came; and when he had to go, my mom came back. This is how we managed. I finally decided to give up that job I hated because it didn't give me much time with my child. I accepted a new part time job with an organization which did great work. It was less money, but I was able to make ends meet, and even though I had to travel to work, my boss was supportive of my situation and I had a lot of flexibility to be able to meet all my child's needs. My mother insisted that I go to therapy. My first therapist was not very good, and I stopped going because she was just not helping. Later I found a good one, and am going to therapy to this very day. It really helped a lot.

December 2014: By this time, my ex who had been jobless for 6 years while I was living with him, suddenly found a great job and was making a ton of money. First thing he did was hire a fancy lawyer and slam me with petitions for custody. Before I could have a chance to make my case, he put his case forward and the judge ruled that my child should have visitation every weekend. He had not been paying anything in child support - I filed a petition, and started to receive court mandated child support payments, which helped my financial situation. My ex immediately filed objections to the support, and tried every trick in the book to avoid paying child support.

At this time, I also came across an organization that served families of children with rare diseases. Many of the children are wheelchair bound and have severe cognitive deficits. I began to volunteer there, and three years later, I am still with them. Working with them was even better than therapy. I looked at those children and was thankful that my child was not so severely disabled. I looked at those parents changing the diapers of their children who were 17, 25, 35 years old; who had dedicated their entire lives to managing their child's disease, and yet were so strong and able to live and laugh and love, and I learned that all I needed to do to be happy was help and be grateful and think positively. 

April 2015: On the custody case, I found a pro-bono lawyer to take up my case. Over the next long and difficult months, we filed my own petition and affidavit about the domestic violence case. I got temporary custody of my child, and visitation was scaled down to every other weekend. Initially it was unbearable to be separated from my child, but as time passed, I realized that I needed the free weekends to do the things I needed to do without having to worry about my son. I enrolled in grad school part time.

By this time, my 3 yr child had been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It presented its own challenges. My son was developmentally delayed, which meant that he needed me to help him with everything - from feeding himself to diapering. He couldn't walk or run well, so I had to carry him everywhere. It meant a lot of time researching his condition, appointments with doctors, specialists, tests and evaluations, researching the right educational settings for him, figuring out the communication issues, and the meltdowns. My ex of course did not help - except to add to the difficulties by creating problems for me in Court. Emotionally, I feel like I had no emotions. I had no time to think about myself and how I was feeling. I needed every ounce of my being to DO, do everything that needed to be done. It was lonely and painful to go through this everyday. 

June 2015: The biggest break came when I solved my home situation. I figured that I couldn't be the only South Asian woman in NYC dealing with such a situation. I networked, talked to other women, and found an amazing roommate: a single mom, just like me, with similar circumstances, who was struggling to work and raise 3 children on her own. She came to stay with us for a weekend, we all clicked beautifully, and decided to move in together that summer. It has been a wonderful arrangement, in which we have all found emotional support, and have healed together. My child now has three "siblings" who love him and are supportive of his autism disorder. I know that he is happy because of how affectionate he is with them. As for me, I have found a good friend in her. We are both aware of what a blessing and miracle this opportunity is for both of us, and we work hard at nurturing the "family arrangement" we have instituted. Financially, things looked better because together we were able to afford a bigger, nicer home for our family of six. Watching our four children settle down happily in our new home was the biggest reward. The changes showed in their improvement at school, their making friends again, and their getting back to "normal" lives.

This arrangement also allowed my parents to return home to their own lives, and they now visit us from time to time. 

October 2016: After having exhausted all options to get out of paying child support, my ex suddenly announced that he lost his job. The child support came to an abrupt end. All of a sudden, my part time income was not enough. I desperately started searching for a new, full time job, and luckily, my reputation and work ethics got me a full time post with a major promotion in December 2016. Miracles do happen. I only regretted the time I would lose teaching and supporting my child which I had so enjoyed doing, and which was so helpful to him; but in a few months he started full time school, and I worked it out. I found ways to set aside time to spend with him, and keep his progress going. My job was challenging because I was not trained for the post HR had put me into and I had to work hard to learn and do well. It was high-stress, on call 24 hrs, and it was overwhelming. My health started to deteriorate under the combined stress of work, grad school, son's health, court cases, my ex' abusive emails and evil strategies. But I had no choice but to carry on. The court cases dragged on at a painfully slow pace.

October 2017, I talked to my boss and to HR and explained my personal circumstances - that the job, grad school, my son's health, my health, my court cases, all of these were overwhelming me. My performance was very good, and they understood my situation and transferred me to another department where there is minimal stress, much more flexibility to work from home, and the work is something that really interests me. Another miracle! My team likes my work and they are willing to mentor me and groom me into a full time post once I get that Masters degree. All I have to do is keep going and finish school.

January 2018: The custody case is still ongoing. The stress levels, harassment and manipulation from my ex continue as he takes responsibility for nothing, but keeps putting pressure on me at all times to prove that I am not an unfit mother. The suicide attempt from 2013 is what he and his lawyer keep screaming about. They suggest that the abuse never happened because I never reported it. It is unbelievable that the things I have achieved in the intervening years, the progress I have made, the progress my child has made, none of these should be talked about - but I must prove that I am not an unfit mother. 

Why did I come back here to give this update? Because you all invested so much time into helping me back then. I want to particularly thank Elegirl, ManfromLaMancha, jld, coffeeamore, Jasel, and so many others. Had it not been for your encouragement, laying out a roadmap to navigate my way out, I would not have been able to make it. You should know that you all make a difference here. 

When I was in that situation in 2013 and people told me to leave him, it made me upset. How easy it is for them to say it, I thought, but it is I who has to go through it. How will I manage? I am sharing my story here to tell you that it is not easy. It is not easy, but the reward is wonderful. I am still struggling, I still have days where I feel like I can't do this any more. But along the way, you have successes and good people and miracles that propel you forward. I wanted to share my story here to tell anyone who is going through something similar - these are some of the things you will encounter. Are they so scary? Don't you think you have it in you to surmount this? You do. You will learn and grow, and people will help. So don't sacrifice your dreams. Lastly, dfind someone else to help. As bad as the situation is, there is always someone who has it worse. This was one of the things that really helped me heal and grow stronger. To feel like not everything is out of my control: I can help. I have the choice to decide what my life will mean.

What do I wish I had done differently after separating? Filed criminal charges on domestic violence. If I had sent him to jail, I would not be here in court, on the stand, defending myself, having to prove that he did abuse me and that I am not an unfit mother. My advice in hindsight: Be less emotional. Easy to say hard to do - so surround yourself with smart, practical friends that can see the situation objectively and take their advice.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I have read your post twice and feel that it is the best i have read here on TAM, you story will be so inspiring to many people suffering at the extremes of a relationship whilst being so isolated from your support base it is equally amazing that you have come through this in a way that you can clearly see a new way forward for you and your child, i am blessed to have had the privilege to have read this amazing story of yours and wish peace and love for your new future.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

You are amazing and an example for all. That is all


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I am sorry for the incredible ordeals you have been through. It's good that you can reflect on what you'd have done differently. Share your story with other women also suffering from abuse. Now you're like one of the posters originally helping you. You've been through hell and have come out the other side with new knowledge you can pay forward.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry for what you've been through but I'm glad you came back to share.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Granada said:


> I first posted on TAM in 2013 about problems in my marriage. They were severe issues, and I did not realize at the time that my ex was controlling and abusive. I am a south asian woman, living here without my family, and at the time my child was just about 18 months old. I had to abruptly leave because my ex took away my laptop and my TAM account was compromised. You were all SO generous with your time and advice, a bunch of you stayed in touch with me over email and PMs to support me, and help me think through my options. I am here to a) update you on my situation and b) seek advice on the current situation.
> 
> The last time I posted here in October or November 2013, I felt like I had no options. Severe verbal and emotional abuse that I didn't know then, but it was about to escalate to physical abuse. No job, no place to go, a little baby with health issues, no family, not much of a support system because my whole life had revolved around my ex. My ex was also threatening to stop me from going to my naturalization interview, so I was very worried about my immigration status and my rights in this country. Somehow he changed his mind at the last minute and I became a citizen - the first reprieve in my life in years.
> 
> ...


Do you have the old posts of his abuse from when it happened on this site? Could your lawyer use them in court to prove it did happen or at least give some evidence? They are timestamped right? Maybe ask him.

By the great job by you. Keep taking no prisoners.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OMG Granada, you came back!!!! I've thought about you so many times, praying that you and your son are doing well. Thank you so much for giving us this update.

I am sure that this has all been so hard. But look at how far you have come. I'm so proud of you. 



Granada said:


> What do I wish I had done differently after separating? Filed criminal charges on domestic violence. If I had sent him to jail, I would not be here in court, on the stand, defending myself, having to prove that he did abuse me and that I am not an unfit mother.


That is the same regret that I had in divorcing my son's father.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Do you have the old posts of his abuse from when it happened on this site? Could your lawyer use them in court to prove it did happen or at least give some evidence? They are timestamped right? Maybe ask him.
> 
> By the great job by you. Keep taking no prisoners.


Her old posts on the open forums are under a different user name. Her husband was on here too. He admitted to the abuse but said it was all her fault. He was awful to her on this forum.

Her using the posts here on TAM are an interesting idea, but it would expose the new account, Granada, to him being able to get them as well. 

And I don't think anything posted here would prove his abuse in court, sadly.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Her old posts on the open forums are under a different user name. Her husband was on here too. He admitted to the abuse but said it was all her fault. He was awful to her on this forum.
> 
> Her using the posts here on TAM are an interesting idea, but it would expose the new account, Granada, to him being able to get them as well.
> 
> And I don't think anything posted here would prove his abuse in court, sadly.


Does he have to know that though? How about using it as leverage, like we have you posting that you hit your ex wife. Just a thought.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Does he have to know that though? How about using it as leverage, like we have you posting that you hit your ex wife. Just a thought.


She's have to ask her attorney about this. Not sure it's a good idea.


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## Granada (Jul 24, 2014)

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the kind words.
@sokillme: I have enough crazy emails from him to prove the abuse; the posts from this forum are not necessary. 

It's just that sometimes people make it sound like it'll be so simple and so easy - and it is not. 4 years later, I am the one having to prove that I am a fit mother and that my suicide attempt was not about mental health issues, but a direct consequence of abuse. The system is not fair and easy and simple, and the truth must labour through months and years sometimes before it can set you free. I just want to set realistic expectations for the next woman that has to navigate this path. Saving money, even a little at a time, building a network of support, having somewhere safe to go, good people to advise you when you're in crisis mode - all these things need to be in place - otherwise it will be even harder. 

EleGirl - so great to see you here! Thanks for thinking of me & my son. 
I have Court next week - will keep you posted!

Thinking of the big picture - the day when I will finally be free of him. Every day is one step closer to that day!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Granada said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Thanks for the kind words.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry if you feel like I was making it sound like it was simple. That was not my intention, I really was just trying to rack my brain to find a way to help you.


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## Granada (Jul 24, 2014)

@sokillme - No, nothing in your reply made me feel that way. I was just expressing my frustration with the system in general. I appreciate that you're trying to help


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