# I HAVE to leave for my sanity



## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

I have gone from fantasizing about being single to deciding that I have to leave. I gave up a great life and career to live out in the country and have since lost my work skills. Leaving would mean moving back to another state because I don't think a future here is a viable one. I know I have to leave because i can see marriage to my husband is eventually going to end. In the mean time our resources are dwindling. His current job leaves very little for alimony. It is half what he normally makes.

I don't mind having a small place but I am afraid of living in a place where I can't support myself or find someone new. I have been out of a job for so long - I don't know where to start. The thought of it gives me anxiety. Leaving would mean moving to another state because where I live is not my ideal. I am a city girl and the type of guy that I would be interested in or interested in me doesn't live in these parts. I don't think a life here would be a great new beginning. 

I am 50 years old. I don't have time for slow starts. I feel like time is running out.

I have been watching sex and the city marathon. Just watched the last show of the last season where carrie bradshaw goes to paris with the russian. She gives up her life and friends and he ends up making her feel alone because he focuses on his job and hangs out with his friends. She feels alienated because she doesn't speak the language. He says hey this is who I am. She says, she is a person and wants love and a life. So that last scene is exactly me. I moved here and found out he was alcoholic and would rather hang out with his alcoholic guy friends and put them before me. In the show she finds a hole in the lining of her purse and in it she finds the necklace she lost - the necklace has her name "carrie". She smiles and decided finally to leave him and go back to NYC. In her case, good things happen. Her ex who she really loves comes back to her and she gets her old apartment and job back. 

Perhaps I could do that too...maybe I can go back to the city I use to live in and rent an apartment and start again where I left off? I want to TAKE THE LEAP!!! I want to stop being AFRAID!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You realize of course, that SATC is fiction right? That TV is not reality?

It's your life, you are allowed to live it how you want, if you are in an unfulfilling marriage to a partner that doesn't love you and is not willing to try to meet your needs, there is nothing keeping you in it, you are not a slave and not a child. But seek some professional counseling to help you land on your feet because, if you think it will be like on TV, you are in for a hard landing.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Lon said:


> You realize of course, that SATC is fiction right? That TV is not reality?


I think she was using it as a metaphor.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: I HAVE to leave for my sanity*



DayOne said:


> I think she was using it as a metaphor.


She shouldn't be using fantasy TV shows as a metaphor to determine if her own marriage in real life is worth her commitment or not.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

DayOne said:


> I think she was using it as a metaphor.


I think that if she were using it as a metaphor, she would have said something like

"I just want to leave and move back to the big city like Carrie Bradshaw did in SATC and live happily ever after."

Going into all the dreary details (sorry, my bad, all the EXCITING details) suggests that its a script OP believes she can live if only she ditches the life she chose.

OP- I'm with ya! Stop being afraid. Tell the person you married that your happiness lies elsewhere, and that you appreciate his efforts and hope he finds someone who will cherish him, and get out of Dodge.

50 is the new 20, and I am sure that you will find a smarter, more successful more attractive man who will make you feel just right. Plus you will have better opportunities to revive your career, and a job will definitely give you a sense of accomplishment.


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## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

Thank you for coming to my defense. I think I should explain. Of course I know SATC is a show and not reality. I not taking it completely literally. But she reminds me of the person I use to be and wish I could be again.

Before I met my husband, I use to live in downtown Chicago, went out on lots of dates and had a really fun life. After I was married and moved to this small town the polar opposite of Chicago, I would watch that show and feel a little bit of longing because I missed my fun single life in the big city. I also used to watch the movie the Break Up (Vince Vaugh/Jennifer Aniston) several times not because it is such a great movie, but because I love to watch the scenes from Chicago. I think I just identify with the Carrie character. 

I wouldn't say it is a metaphor - but I draw a comparison with my own life and the life I wish I could have ...again. I think it would be a bit crazy if I was dreaming of marrying a prince and living with the royal family--that is not a fantasy but it is pretty unattainable.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If you need the excitement of big city living, can you not try and achieve that with your H, within the bounds of your marriage? Have you communicated this with your H? Have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe you just need your own reality TV show (or fantasy show).


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## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

Hi Loni
My relationship with my husband is over because after I got married and moved in with him, he completely changed from being overly attentive and kind to a hypocritical person with a short temper. I realized after we started living together that he was an alcoholic - something that he hid from me. He spent most afternoons to evenings out with his drinking buddies at bar leaving me at home by myself. I think after 7 years I did enough "time" and am ready to get out of prison. He refuses counseling but I have been to 4 different counselors, 2 out of the four strongly suggested I leave the marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: I HAVE to leave for my sanity*



NewLifePlease said:


> Hi Loni
> My relationship with my husband is over because after I got married and moved in with him, he completely changed from being overly attentive and kind to a hypocritical person with a short temper. I realized after we started living together that he was an alcoholic - something that he hid from me. He spent most afternoons to evenings out with his drinking buddies at bar leaving me at home by myself. I think after 7 years I did enough "time" and am ready to get out of prison. He refuses counseling but I have been to 4 different counselors, 2 out of the four strongly suggested I leave the marriage.


In not against leaving a bad marriage, but likewise I don't think sticking it out is akin to hard time. If you were there by choice you were and still are vested in the marriage. I'm just saying I find dishonesty very horrible and will only interfere with an amicable divorce. If you like the drama, then continue trying to view yourself as the victim, otherwise if you choose to end the marriage honorably then I wish you well and hope the best for you both!


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## WaterSkier (Nov 3, 2014)

Your title caught my eye. I feel the same way - that I have to leave to save my sanity. The difference is that I am a male, in very long term marriage (multiple decades) in a marriage and life that has no meaning. 

Been a lurker for months but today, posting the "executive overview" of my situation.

My spouse has a very controlling personality (my words). I have been working with a therapist for IC for six months to try to understand my needs and emotions. The upshot is that the therapist feels that my spouse is insecure and narcissistic. While not pathological (ie NPD), it is still impossible to live with. My interests and hobbies are denigrated and argued about until I finally give them up to reduce the stress. My friends are picked apart until I give up having the friendship because I tire of defending them. In fact, my spouse has said that she "needs to find some appropriate friends for me".

I am an active person. I like to be busy and have lots of outside interests but my spouse puts a stop to things when I get really interested (or obsessed in her words). There is no arguing the point because she will either google the internet until she finds something to support her argument or she just refuses to be part of the marriage (ie sex, companionship, etc) until I drop whatever the hobby is. I am not talking about interests that are destructive but normal guy interests like golf or waterskiing.

Because of that, I am just shutting down. I retired early due to a financial windfall so have a lot of time on my hands and was hoping to do things with her but that is not to be unless she deems the activity worthy. What she will also do is agree to do something, then once we begin, she threatens to or actually does abandon it. For example, we agreed to go together on a vacation - second day there she says she's not happy, is going to fly home. She doesn't end up flying home but I spend the next 10 days nervous a ***** in church trying to keep her happy.

With all this time on my hands and nothing to do that meets her approval, I feel like I am just marking the days until I die. Leaving her to save my sanity makes so much sense but I just can't pull the trigger.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Water skier, and OP, with functional marriage you are either all in or all out. If you are certain you want to end it, then tell your spouse exactly what you wrote here and file the divorce. If you are uncertain, hurry up and find out so you can get off the fence. Your spouse is not responsible for putting you on the fence and the longer you take to decide which side you want to be on the more pain you are accumulating for both you and your spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you close to a college or university? So you can start attending classes and get recertified to be viable for work? I'd say start there. Let him see what you're doing. Make it clear to him that if things don't change, you'll be moving on. Give him time for it to sink in. Let him see you making changes. He doesn't believe you'll leave. He has to, for anything to change.


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## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

Waterskier, 
I understand all too well how you feel. I know that finances keeps me in my marriage and the real fear of not being able to find a job to support myself. I think if I had a good way to support myself and live in a manner close to what I was living before -- I wouldn't hesitate. Do you know what is holding you back from pulling the trigger?

Turnera
This is a good suggestion (college). Btw, I have been doing things that he notices like taking care of myself and going to counseling. He has tried to be in the last weeks. For example, today was a good day. I decided to count how many negative comments he made to me in a day (he was gone most of the day) - It came out to 12.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I used to keep a notebook, and write down every negative comment, because my H never believed he was doing it. So I could read them back to him. Back when I thought I could change him. Gave up because I realized I couldn't. He didn't want to.


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## WaterSkier (Nov 3, 2014)

NLP - whats holding me back. Really hard to say. Fear of the unknown, guilt, my wife feels she is the victim, my adult kids chosing sides. All kinds of things that make no sense to me except at 3AM when I can't sleep.


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