# Wife of 11 years cheated on me



## matrixD

Hi all, could use some advice here desperately.

Been married to my wife for almost exactly 11 years now. We have two wonderful children, a boy and a girl. Our marriage has changed significantly over the years, especially since our last child (age 3) and we havent been having sex in almost 3 years. My wife had been seeing a therapist for depression, and she had complained of very low sex drive and we experimented with various antidepressants to no avail. 

Our relationship has become very roommate-like, but up until recently, we shared everything. At times we both even joked about being too much alike. The lack of sex bothered me, of course, and my wife probably felt guilty about it, but I managed and always held hope that her outlook would change. Truthfully though, my wife had clearly started to view us a a platonic couple with kids.

I have never had an affair with someone outside our marriage. There have been temptations and flirtations as there are with any daily interaction in life, but there was a line I would never cross. Not so much my wife.

I found out after 3 months of obsessive, sickening investigation that my wife has been having an emotional affair with a married man with 3 children of his own. He is someone that I know through another family and our children played with each other a few years back. I confronted my wife about excessive texting and phone calls on her cell phone and she denied that her contact with him was anything more than a friendship. The first time I confronted her was a month ago. She claimed that she spoke to him alot because he was funny and they griped and complained about kids, and parent things. I couldt let it go. A second time I confronted her when called our house and she started yapping away with him on the phone in the bedroom while I was there. The balls on this guy to call another man's wife and the nerve of my wife to think I was so blind.

Time passed, slowly for me, because I was making myself sicker and sicker obsessing over all the lies she was potentially telling me. I had no proof of a physical relationship, and all of the messages from him I saw were platonic in nature. But I had asked her twice out of respect to this marriage to stop. Over the last month, things between us had started to improve...I had started to let go of my obsession over what they were doing, and had started spending more time with her and my boy and girl. Then sadly, I looked one last time at messages on her phone. There it was - complete profession of her love for him and also a hint of mutual decision to not risk both their families. I puked, again and again. Ive been sick ever since.

I confronted her immediately instead of thinking if I could let something I know was there possibly die on its own. The result was her finally admitting the emotional affair. We are now living apart - she is staying with her father and I am in our large house with my two children, trying to keep things together.

We have talked in the past few days about what to do. She thinks its best if we spend time apart. She wouldnt discuss the affair with me except to say that its part of a larger set of issues we have. After time to clear my head I have realized that her and my two kids are my entire life, I want nothing more than to have this go away, but I understand we have issues that we need to fix in our marriage, if indeed it can be fixed. Im willing to seek counseling but I dont think she is. I am not sure what she is going through and I dont have the kind of relationship with her father where I can just call and talk to him about this. I feel worse than awful, alone, scared and sick to my stomach.

I never dreamed I'd be in this situation. I have a good relationship with her brother but now no one is talking to anyone. For all I know they are saying I'm to blame as Im sure she probably hasnt owned up to this to anyone but me, hesitantly. Im scared that giving her space just drives her into his arms and that crowding her now just makes this whole situation worse. Any thoughts her welcome as my life has come crashing down...


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## bandit.45

Tell the other man's wife. Expose the affair to everyone.


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## Jellybeans

And do so without giving your wife or the other man any warning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matrixD

How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?


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## Unsure in Seattle

And don't let her say it's your fault. Issues in the marriage are co-owned, but the affair is completely on her.

Look at it this way, if OMW found out, wouldn't you want her to tell you?


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## Stryker

The Typical Female Infidel...

No Mercy...if she is not contrite...


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## bandit.45

matrixD said:


> How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?


Hogwash. 

The other mans wife is being abused and lied to by her husband. This is not a choice. You have a moral obligation to tell her. Not doing so makes you as much a sneak and liar as your wife and her lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5stringpicker

The problem with most men are by the time they pick up that something is seriously wrong with his relationship, it’s too late to do anything about it. Listen to me. If your wife isn't having sex with you, there are serious problems with your relationship.

Sure she thinks its best if you spend time apart. If she’s fooling around with a man she’s actually interested in, why would she want to spend time with someone she could care less about? That be you my man.

You’re uncomfortable with her, you're obsessing over your lack of trust and faith in her, you’re frustrated with her, you’re having nightmares over her. So why are you with her and wanting to work on something that is well beyond repair?

I think you should suck it up, realize that its been over for her for a long time and move on. Forget about the other man. If it wasn't him it would be someone else.


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## Initfortheduration

matrixD said:


> How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?


WTFU!!!! Which means "wake the f up". First off, you can't ruin two families because they were already ruined by your cheating wife and the POSOM.

Next your wife wants space to skrew the other guy. She realizes that you are afraid of losing her and your family, so she is taking advantage of that fear. She will use you for child care and family support, and the other man for sex.

Hey Postulio, this sounds just like your situation. Please help this guy out. Postulio was acting the same way as you. Then he really manned up. This business of the POSOM calling her while she was in bed with you, is incredible. Postulio dumped the conniving b#%^h, and now she is begging him to take her back. At least hes in the drivers seat. Quit riding b$^&h and take over the driving.


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## Thorburn

Expose it to all. The fact that your wife is living apart from you is risky. She is now free to take it PA without you being there. The more you expose it the more likely it will end. The more you expose it the less likely it will become a PA. The more you expose it the more eyes you will have on these two.

In 2010 my WS had an EA and I did not expose it except to the OMW. Big mistake. My WS got involved with another guy about a year later and it went PA. I believe due in part to her thinking that I would never expose her.

Expose it.


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## In_The_Wind

bandit.45 said:


> Hogwash.
> 
> The other mans wife is being abused and lied to by her husband. This is not a choice. You have a moral obligation to tell her. Not doing so makes you as much a sneak and liar as your wife and her lover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

What if the situation were reversed and the OMW knew of information that pertained to your M would you want to know.

When she said she needs time that is WW speak for I am going to carry on my affair while we are apart. 

Good Luck


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## Stryker

Initfortheduration said:


> WTFU!!!! Which means "wake the f up". First off, you can't ruin two families because they were already ruined by your cheating wife and the POSOM.
> 
> Next your wife wants space to skrew the other guy. She realizes that you are afraid of losing her and your family, so she is taking advantage of that fear. She will use you for child care and family support, and the other man for sex.
> 
> Hey Postulio, this sounds just like your situation. Please help this guy out. Postulio was acting the same way as you. Then he really manned up. This business of the POSOM calling her while she was in bed with you, is incredible. Postulio dumped the conniving b#%^h, and now she is begging him to take her back. At least hes in the drivers seat. Quit riding b$^&h and take over the driving.


Apt...


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## Lon

matrixD said:


> How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?


The truth will relieve her from the burden of her web of lies. It won't make you feel better, it will hurt to see your own W's inescapable shame from her actions. She is the one who betrayed her family and helped her AP ruin his, it is now up to her strength of character as to whether or not she can rebuild the trust in hers.

You don't need to give a flying fvck as to her AP's character, however out of basic moral duty you should tell the OMW, she has a right to know that her H is destroying his family from underneath her feet.

Lies are toxic and until you purge them all out they continue to fester, you can never recover or heal because the damage just continues.


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## Thorburn

Get a grip. Start the 180. Do not beg her, do not plead for her, do not pursue her.

You are me two months ago man. Don't go there. Your marriage is over, dead. Your wife is dead to you. Take control of yourself. You can't control her.

Things may work out for you but listen to what folks here are saying. Forget about her and start taking care of yourself and your kids.

Do the 180. Do it.

We are here for you, get strong and get the upper hand.


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## Complexity

bandit.45 said:


> Hogwash.
> 
> The other mans wife is being abused and lied to by her husband. This is not a choice. You have a moral obligation to tell her. Not doing so makes you as much a sneak and liar as your wife and her lover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Your wife is the one that should be coming to you for reconciliation irrespective of exposure. She's the one that cheated and ruined 2 marriages, there are consequences to her actions. Like bandit said, you owe it to the other man's wife to tell her the truth.


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## LostWifeCrushed

Hey matrix....

permission to speak freely.....

All of these people are selfish egomaniacs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your wife and her AP do not get to decide what to do about telling their spouses, acting-or not acting on their feelings for each other. They do not get to carry on an EA or a PA where they get to meet all sorts of needs outside of their marriages---and then decide, "naw, let's not tell anyone, let's just be friends and think we are noble people by not destroying our families."

You just found out that they decided not to have an affair so as to "save" their families??!! WTF?? By acting this way, by even having this conversation, they are betraying their families----they are proving they are in a full blown EA, maybe even a PA. Sheeeesh.

Sorry, but you need to put your foot down. Don't put up with this pooh for another minute.

And tell the OMW. You have no obligation to protect the OM. And the best bet you have of ending it----is to let the OMW loose on the OM. She has every right to know. 

Good luck and take care. You deserve better.


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## matrixD

sickening as it is to read all this, im trying to come to grips. overwhelmingly most people who have been here seem to think telling the OMW is the right thing to do. the truth is i wanted to do this months ago but feared for my safety and my kids. this guy is a bit of a loose cannon and has a gun and a zillion and one 'contacts' and has bragged openly about being able to get anything done 'as long as you know who to speak to'.. no idea as how to even get in touch with her, he seems to have her phone and often emailed from his wife's email account (regarding playdates for kids, etc) so i have to now find out how i start this 180 by telling the OMW. BTW, whats an 'AP'??


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## Complexity

And another thing, she should be completely concerned about her marriage and your feelings at this point if you want to reconcile. The other man and his marriage should bear no significance to her. His wife needs to know that he's telling another woman, YOUR woman that "she's the love of his life"


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## Complexity

matrixD said:


> sickening as it is to read all this, im trying to come to grips. overwhelmingly most people who have been here seem to think telling the OMW is the right thing to do. the truth is i wanted to do this months ago but feared for my safety and my kids. this guy is a bit of a loose cannon and has a gun and a zillion and one 'contacts' and has bragged openly about being able to get anything done 'as long as you know who to speak to'.. no idea as how to even get in touch with her, he seems to have her phone and often emailed from his wife's email account (regarding playdates for kids, etc) so i have to now find out how i start this 180 by telling the OMW. BTW, whats an 'AP'??


AP= Affair partner.


You sense the slightest suspicion that this man is threatening you, report him to the police immediatley.


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## Almostrecovered

read the newbie link in my signature for abbreviations and terms


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## SprucHub

I am not, to my knowledge, in an unfaithful relationship. I agree that exposure to the OM's wife is necessary. Picture if someone told you three months (or however long ago it started). You'd be in the same place you are now, with three months more of life to live. Do not do it for selfish or retribution reasons. Only because it is the right thing. 

You cannot force your wife to love you, not trying to is the only way to get her back. Now that she is not in the house, she is likely in the clouds with her OM. It's likely turned physical. There is little you can do while she is in the fog. Oh - she's likely compiled a long list of things that are wrong with your relationship - do not buy this BS. They are manufactured to justify (to herself and the other people she'll eventually have to tell) her behavior. If there were these problems, it is so coincidental how they just surfaced at the same time as her affair. 

The other thing is that she may start bad talking you to others, her family and friends, to make herself feel and look better - she looks terrible as a cheater, not as bad if you were a crap husband.


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## matrixD

thanks everyone. i may not express it right now, but this is helping me a great deal


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## SprucHub

Oh, there is nothing less manly than someone who tries to get respect by being threatening - implicitly or explicitly. Guns are for sport and protection. If it is a serious threat, consider your circumstances. Tell your wife, she can f*** whomever she wants, but do not dare bring this type of character into your life or her children's lives.


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## crossbar

I don't care how "connected" this guy is. It would be stupid of him to try anything because it would only implicate himself. And no woman is worth spending your life in prison over. Plus, if he's connected and these connected people do a "favor" for him, well...they don't do favors for free. They'll want a favor in return and connected people aren't the type of people you want to be oweing favors to.

Plus, the scarier person in that relationship is probably the OMW. She has the power to make his life hell, and he would be the only one to be blamed for it.


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## this is bad

I think dxposure is very important. It stops the excitement of secrecy, WW is in a fog and will say anything to keep it going. It's up to you if you want to follow up on the suggestions provided.

When I found out my WW as having an EA, I felt destoyed, didn't know what to do, how to handle it, a total wimp. I had to put on my big boy pant and handle my situation head on.

Don't negotiate. Be stong. 

Good Luck....


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## 67flh

the om's nothing but a wanna be bragger.people who 
'know" how to get things getting care of sure don't go running around bragging about it.just tring to keep people scared.


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## hookares

The kids are with you? Get a paternity test done on both of them, asap. It's better to know NOW that you are their father than to find out much lather that you AREN'T. (experience talking)


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## bandit.45

Spend a few hundred bucks and hire a P.I. to find his wife if you have to. It'll be worth the money.


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## bryanp

By the way it is very typical of the cheater to ask for a temporary separation. This is a code that allows the cheater to cheat without any interference from your part. It is all part of the playbook.

It really does not seem that you are in much of a marriage. I would strongly suggest that your contact an attorney to understand your options. She has stated clearly that she is in love with another man. Would you want your children to grow up and remain in such a marriage?


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## Postulio

matrixD said:


> How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?


You know, they didn't give a damn about their 2 families and thought this would be worth the risk. So now she "wants to spend time apart." That's the signal she wants to spend time with him. I say blow it up in their faces. Let the world see how upstanding, fair and generous they are. Your wifer could have backed out at anytime but she chose dishonoring you and herself. 

I am going through the same thing you are, without kids, but I'll ya what kicking her out of the house made her think twice. I was on a date over the weekend that I posted on facebook. She is in agonzing hell I am told her her brother and mother. She cries all the time regretting what she did. She swears there was nothing physical but I am holding to the fact that she was romantically intimate with this guy we both knew from wow. Oh BTW everyone, he's supposedly now and ordained minister. LOL
So much for the 10 Commandments.

My point is this, if your too nice to emotionally damage her, don't be. Snarl, bark, bear your teeth and tell this jerk wad to back off or risk permanent damage to his life as well. Show your power and she will either harken to it or fade away into the lonely abyssal coffin she, not you, she has fashioned for herself.


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## bandit.45

> My point is this, if your too nice to emotionally damage her, don't be. Snarl, bark, bear your teeth and tell this jerk wad to back off or risk permanent damage to his life as well. Show your power and she will either harken to it or fade away into the lonely abyssal coffin she, not you, she has fashioned for herself.



Hell Yesss... Thats the way we Arizona boys get it done!!


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## warlock07

Separation now(after affair) means that she can indulge in the affair without any guilt. Remember that she was lying and blindsiding you all this time making you look like a fool for your suspicions. You cannot trust this woman. And don't worry about his contacts. It is usually the losers that mouth off so much. Inform his wife. You wife could well be f*cking him while separated. Informing his wife will stop the affair from his end.


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## Complexity

warlock07 said:


> Separation now(after affair) means that she can indulge in the affair without any guilt. Remember that she was lying and blindsiding you all this time making you look like a fool for your suspicions. You cannot trust this woman. And don't worry about his contacts. It is usually the losers that mouth off so much. Inform his wife. You wife could well be f*cking him while separated. Informing his wife will stop the affair from his end.


Exactly, she could be using this separation shtick to turn the affair physical. You definitely need to expose before it goes down that route


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## Postulio

Man I hate to see another sould go through this, you don't have to finish last. Strike hard and fast, emotionally wreck your wife, that guy will come to you, he'll want to be seen as a hero and tough. 
Call him out, it's the last thing your wife will expect. You need to shock that woman, wake her up, she needs to see you are the one she committed to. If you can still love her and fight for her as dirty as she is, this should resonate with her. IF not, broom her fast and get to healing, it's tough on children to see their parents in pain.


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## AngryandUsed

@OP

You are honest.
Dont worry. Dont get sick.

It is your wife that chose to have an affair. Why did she leave you and kids (is it temporary until things are sorted out?)?

If there are issues in the marriage, she should have discussed with you rather than seeking another man.

Stay strong.

Collect as much as evidence as possible.

I guess the affair was physical too...


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## morituri

File for divorce and go dark on her (no communication except that related to the kids). 

Nothing will send her a loud and clear message - that you are not and never will be her fall back guy if things don't work out with the OM - than having her served with divorce papers.


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## Initfortheduration

morituri said:


> File for divorce and go dark on her (no communication except that related to the kids).
> 
> Nothing will send her a loud and clear message - that you are not and never will be her fall back guy if things don't work out with the OM - than having her served with divorce papers.


The others are right. And if you take the time to read the threads here, and do what is suggested, you will find that you gain back your self respect. And the possibility of getting your wife back. That's if you still want her.


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## matrixD

Ordered a gps locator for her car should be here today. Reading the 180 and trying to identify how to make contact with the OMW. Wife is moving out today to an apt her father found for her. I sent her a message telling her the money needs to come from her jobs direct deposit. I haven't frozen the accounts yet. I don't know if she is still talking to OM but I will assume she is because why wouldn't she now that she doesn't have me nosing into her phone. I need either way to talk to OMW I have decided but as I mentioned I'm not sure how I can was thinking rental car and basically stakeout until I can get her alone, bring the transcripts of their text messages in case she is in denial


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## Chaparral

Checkout this thread. Sounds familiar 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40132-can-i-believe-her.html


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## Eli-Zor

matrixD said:


> Ordered a gps locator for her car should be here today. Reading the 180 and trying to identify how to make contact with the OMW. Wife is moving out today to an apt her father found for her. I sent her a message telling her the money needs to come from her jobs direct deposit. I haven't frozen the accounts yet. I don't know if she is still talking to OM but I will assume she is because why wouldn't she now that she doesn't have me nosing into her phone. I need either way to talk to OMW I have decided but as I mentioned I'm not sure how I can was thinking rental car and basically stakeout until I can get her alone, bring the transcripts of their text messages in case she is in denial



A start of a plan and if you have to, sit outside their house until you see her in person. The other way is to track his parents and siblings down and expose to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Hire a PI and ask them to track down the OMW and give you contact info.

They can find the OMW by following the OM when he leaves your wife's nice new apartment which he no doubt will be helping break in.


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## matrixD

Here is my plan but I need some feedback so all of you that have been offering to help me please chime in

I find OMW and expose it to her. I don't ask her to not disclose how she found out or ask that she not say she learned this from me, right? I told you my only fear is this guy doing something vengeful to me my property etc since he knows where I live versus if his wife could learn on her own by getting his phone, tailing him etc. I don't know how to engage the OMW at this point but I need to today or tomorrow

I let that explode. I don't react when my wife blows up on me indicating it was over we were going to separate to have space and time to think and all that horse dung ....I walk away and that is it. I go dark

I install the gps in her sedan and track her movements or at this point is that not a good idea?


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## Havesomethingtosay

Hate to ask and I understand the importance of the family and your children..... But you haven't had sex in almost 3 years. What do you want out of the marriage? Just to stay together for the children and under one roof.

3 friggin years and no sex, sorry but that is more then any man should bear to stand and accept.

Let her go, build a strong relationship and bonding with your children, and live a life.


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## matrixD

For the longest time since our daughter was born, my wife's depression symptoms led me to believe she had a significantly deficient sex drive. She wasn't out having sex, that I am sure of. With her AP now, I still don't know. I respected her lack of sexuality in exchange for the loving marriage we had. We discussed it and she felt bad for it, but the were trade offs for me. I'm not going to rationalize it now however, the marriage issues are significant, but as already pointed out, and as be known all along, those issues are owned by both of us, this affair is all on her.


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## Almostrecovered

get a VAR to keep on your person
record all convos with the wife in case she tries to pull out some false accusations


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## morituri

Sounds good but whether you realize it or not, you have entered a special hell we call limbo. The fastest way to get out of limbo is to use the nuclear option and file for divorce. If you are afraid that this will blow up your marriage then you need to wake up to the fact that your marriage ended the moment your wife declared her love for the OM and chose to leave you and the kids. Filing for divorce will do one of two things:

1. It will throw a bucket of cold water in your wife's face that she is about to loose her husband and family over a man who is willing to betray his wife. If she still has any feelings for you and the kids, this action can't help but to make her think about what she is throwing away and just make her come to the realization that the affair is not worth it and end it with the OM.

2. It will solidify her conviction that the marriage is beyond repair and that it is best to move on separately

Either way, you will know where she is stands which in turn will help you make decisions based on reality and not simply wishful thinking.


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## lordmayhem

Almostrecovered said:


> read the newbie link in my signature for abbreviations and terms


I'm beginning to think NO ONE reads the links in our signatures, you pretty much have to hit them over the head with it.


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## lordmayhem

bryanp said:


> By the way *it is very typical of the cheater to ask for a temporary separation. This is a code that allows the cheater to cheat without any interference from your part. It is all part of the playbook.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## warlock07

Would the GPS need battery recharges?


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## matrixD

SprucHub & others - thanks for brutal honesty. And people here, thanks for bearing with me as i come to terms with something that up until a few days ago, I was denying. I am new but suddenly immersed in a world of things I have only recently come to realize are actually patterns for infidelity. It is absolutely sickening to read this and feel as if I am reading a script of my life in a matter of a few short days. My D-Day was actually Feb 21. I spent the first week feeling miserable for myself and lost in a pit of anger deeper than I could get out of. I fought to get up every day since for my beautiful daughter and son. You think you know someone. Its a realization unlike any other I have ever had in my life. We were supposed to go on an Easter week vacation as a family to Disneyworld, neither of my kids have ever been. Thinking about that now I want to vomit. I finally grew a set of balls yesterday after reading about the patterns of infidelity, and some posts that were stickied on here about the actual stages of behavior the cheating spouse goes through. And it was like reading the book on my wife. Shes off deflecting blame, saying that the speration is for her to get some space while we work on our marital issues. We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family. That realization has been like pulling my head out from underwater, or out of my @ss - so when she called last night to ask me how I was, I asked her if she had anything to say to me because I was busy getting the kids meals cooked. No, she just wanted to see how I was doing. F-U! Im doing fine I said, and I reminded her of her decision to have her affair and asked that she call only if its for logistics with the kids, or if she has anything to share about what she is willing to do to come clean.

In the meantime, and again, please bear with me, as Im trying to hold down my job as I read and do all of this.....I have started working on a plan to get to the OMW. They live in a large house in a gated community but I am working on figuring out which school she drops her kids off at in the morning so I can have a chance to confront her after the kids are gone and hes not around.

The GPS locator is a 6-month charged device and I will use it in the interim to keep her honest in her new apt that her Dad is no doubt currently furnishing.

thats it for now


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## warlock07

Don't react in anger. React with indifference. Anger will destroy any chance of R.


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## DailyGrind

matrixD said:


> SprucHub & others - thanks for brutal honesty. And people here, thanks for bearing with me as i come to terms with something that up until a few days ago, I was denying. I am new but suddenly immersed in a world of things I have only recently come to realize are actually patterns for infidelity. It is absolutely sickening to read this and feel as if I am reading a script of my life in a matter of a few short days. My D-Day was actually Feb 21. I spent the first week feeling miserable for myself and lost in a pit of anger deeper than I could get out of. I fought to get up every day since for my beautiful daughter and son. You think you know someone. Its a realization unlike any other I have ever had in my life. We were supposed to go on an Easter week vacation as a family to Disneyworld, neither of my kids have ever been. Thinking about that now I want to vomit. I finally grew a set of balls yesterday after reading about the patterns of infidelity, and some posts that were stickied on here about the actual stages of behavior the cheating spouse goes through. And it was like reading the book on my wife. Shes off deflecting blame, saying that the speration is for her to get some space while we work on our marital issues. We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family. That realization has been like pulling my head out from underwater, or out of my @ss - so when she called last night to ask me how I was, I asked her if she had anything to say to me because I was busy getting the kids meals cooked. No, she just wanted to see how I was doing. F-U! Im doing fine I said, and I reminded her of her decision to have her affair and asked that she call only if its for logistics with the kids, or if she has anything to share about what she is willing to do to come clean.
> 
> In the meantime, and again, please bear with me, as Im trying to hold down my job as I read and do all of this.....I have started working on a plan to get to the OMW. They live in a large house in a gated community but I am working on figuring out which school she drops her kids off at in the morning so I can have a chance to confront her after the kids are gone and hes not around.
> 
> The GPS locator is a 6-month charged device and I will use it in the interim to keep her honest in her new apt that her Dad is no doubt currently furnishing.
> 
> thats it for now


Wow...how earily similar to my current dilemna. W had a mild (beginning stage) EA Sept - October...confronted first week of November. We've been MC, and "working" on M since. She's had rumblings of separation....ALSO putting our Disney trip in jeopardy, as I will not pay that kind of money, if we are facing D (or even separation...trying to afford two households) this year. We've got another week, or so, before we resume our conversation on what "space" means to her....and she may decide to move out. There is no confirmed EA she is involved in, right now...as far as I can find. But then....her actions are ALSO straight out of the cheaters handbook. Could also be depression....who knows.

I don't have any advice, but to say....at LEAST you KNOW the source of your wife's antics. Stay strong....do the right thing for you and the kids. See a lawyer...and start figuring out life without her. It will either rock her world, that you are figuring out life without her.....or....she will move on with OM. Either way....your first step out of limbo will be made. LET OMW KNOW!!!


----------



## AngryandUsed

I think the OP has fallen from disbelief, shock, anger to self-pitying. He had no sex for 3 years. He seems not able to detach himself from his unloving wife.
Determine, MatrixD, the OP.


----------



## sinnister

warlock07 said:


> Don't react in anger. React with indifference. Anger will destroy any chance of R.


No...her living in a new apartment to F a different guy is destroying any chance of R. Reconciling although natural to want, should not be an option right now.


----------



## Toffer

Matrix, when one affair partner asks their spouse for "time apart" to figure rthings out, it typically means they want time to pursue the other relationship and keep you on the hook as a spare in case things don't work out.

EXPOSE to the other man's wife NOW of you haven't already!


----------



## SprucHub

matrixD said:


> SprucHub & others - thanks for brutal honesty. And people here, thanks for bearing with me as i come to terms with something that up until a few days ago, I was denying. I am new but suddenly immersed in a world of things I have only recently come to realize are actually patterns for infidelity. It is absolutely sickening to read this and feel as if I am reading a script of my life in a matter of a few short days. My D-Day was actually Feb 21. I spent the first week feeling miserable for myself and lost in a pit of anger deeper than I could get out of. I fought to get up every day since for my beautiful daughter and son. You think you know someone. Its a realization unlike any other I have ever had in my life. We were supposed to go on an Easter week vacation as a family to Disneyworld, neither of my kids have ever been. Thinking about that now I want to vomit. I finally grew a set of balls yesterday after reading about the patterns of infidelity, and some posts that were stickied on here about the actual stages of behavior the cheating spouse goes through. And it was like reading the book on my wife. Shes off deflecting blame, saying that the speration is for her to get some space while we work on our marital issues. We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family. That realization has been like pulling my head out from underwater, or out of my @ss - so when she called last night to ask me how I was, I asked her if she had anything to say to me because I was busy getting the kids meals cooked. No, she just wanted to see how I was doing. F-U! Im doing fine I said, and I reminded her of her decision to have her affair and asked that she call only if its for logistics with the kids, or if she has anything to share about what she is willing to do to come clean.
> 
> In the meantime, and again, please bear with me, as Im trying to hold down my job as I read and do all of this.....I have started working on a plan to get to the OMW. They live in a large house in a gated community but I am working on figuring out which school she drops her kids off at in the morning so I can have a chance to confront her after the kids are gone and hes not around.
> 
> The GPS locator is a 6-month charged device and I will use it in the interim to keep her honest in her new apt that her Dad is no doubt currently furnishing.
> 
> thats it for now


Know that people are rooting for you. That the more depressed you are the more your opportunity for happiness grows (that is, if you have never felt as bad as you did, you are now also able to feel better than you ever did). Know that you know the truth, and that your children will see it eventually. If you can swing it, go to Disney without her. It is so fun, for kids and adults. They do a great job. Focus on yourself, your kids and your career; don't sweat her. Don't be scared of your emotions, just don't show her (she has lost the right to share those). Don't be scared to say what you are thinking rather than feeling (e.g., I assume you got an apartment to [see] him) without caring what the response will be; but do not communicate when it is not necessary. Do not let her talk bad about you to others to blameshift; an unemotional: "she has created those problems after the fact to justify her actions" will suffice.

Know that there are women out there who would discuss their problems and not cheat.

Do not let her use marital funds for anything other than direct childcare.

Good Luck!


----------



## TRy

matrixD said:


> We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family.


 Glad that you figured that out so fast. You are a quick study. 

A cheater acts one of two ways when caught. They either say that they are sorry and ask for forgiveness, or they stay in the affair. Your wife decided to stay in the affair and moved out to do so. Getting an apartment is a major commitment to the affair. You need to tell her family and friends right now about the affair. She is lying to them now about why she moved out (it is your fault), and if you let any time pass she will claim that she only started seeing the OM once she separated from you. Time is of the essence on this.


----------



## happyman64

Matrix,

Not to hit you over the head with a 2x4 my man but I want to make sure you realize one other fact.

Not many women will walk away from their children. Your wife did.

She might call it depression, I call it sick and selfish. This goes against the maternal instincts that 99% of women have.

Why is she selfish, because she is most likely going to continue the affair.

Why should she care. She has a built-in baby sitter. Now I know you love your kids.

I also understand that you would not want them subjected to her new standard of living.

But please, please realize how selfish she has been towards you for over 3 years and now she has walked out on the kids, not just you.

That should tell you right there what kind of person she is.

Time to go nuclear. Scorched earth policy on the OM.

Do not make the meeting with the wife a confrontation. Just be casual, introduce yourself, drop the bomb and explain the evidence.

Tell her you are sorry for rocking her world but you felt she should know what her darling husband is doing with your wife.

Do not let your WW know!!!

Some people have gotten disposable phones and give that number to the OMW. That way she can call you privately and you can mutually work together to end the affair.

Good Luck, stay tough, do not waiver on your principles and love your children because they are probably pretty confused right now.

Your situation will get better. You have the whole SI team giving you good advice.

HM64


----------



## Will_Kane

You are on the right track.

Expose to the other man's wife.

Also call her parents and siblings and let them know that she has been at the least having an emotional affair and professing her love for another man. Don't let her paint you as the bad guy. You had issues in your marriage, but her becoming emotionally involved with another man was not the way to solve them. Let her parents and siblings know that you are willing to work on the marriage, if that is how you feel. Even if you don't want to work on your marriage, you will need to deal with her family in the future regarding the kids. It's best if they know you were not the bad guy she may be making you out to be.

When dealing with your wife, let her know that you are willing to take her back to work on your marriage (if you are in fact willing) under certain conditions, which are: No contact with the other man, she comes home, full transparency, she gives you passwords to all her communication methods and lets you know where she is at all times. Let her know you are filing for divorce then do it. Tell her you refuse to sit around and wait for her to decide between you and the other man. Tell her she does not get to have a love shack apartment where she gets to see if she's sexually compatible with the other man. Stay calm and project a strong confident image. Do not be whiny or needy. Don't negotiate. Stand by your conditions.

The sooner you file for divorce, the sooner your wife will want to come back and work on your marriage.

From your posts, it seems like she is very excited, almost giddy, to be getting an apartment for which her dad is paying and she is not feeling at all bad about not seeing her kids. She's likely telling her dad and family that being in the apartment alone will help her figure out if she wants to stay with her terrible husband; she is not telling them that she is hoping to use the apartment to see and have sex with the other man.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed

Yes EXPOSE it all. Don't let her go off and get a new apt. with no consequences! Don't tell her what's up. Let her skip around the house and pack. Let her move out and live in a fantasy land. Then have her served. Good Lord.


----------



## Falene

I don't know what kind of favors you are doing for her (or you for that matter) when you allow her to live a lie? I think keeping it real is the best way to deal with life and if that means exposing it to the OMW and her family then so be it.

Just like children, we adults suffer greatly when we are not forced to deal with the ramifications of our own actions. I am sure she would disagree but you would actually be doing her a great favor by making sure everyone is dealing with reality and not the pretty pictures in her mind.


----------



## Lazarus

Expose. File and show that you are now in control of the situation.

Kids and you (and a friend) should go to Disney when the time comes.

Leave her to stew. 

She won't be enjoying her time with OM because she'll be wondering how the kids are doing without her.

Put on a brave face for the kids and let them experience the joy and fun of Disneyland and when the kids return saying they had a great time, she has to deal with the kids being really happy without her. 

Might be useful to mention to boss that there is a family difficulty and company might help you adjust whilst going through all the stress of infidelity/cheating.


----------



## matrixD

I exposed to OMW last night after following her into a supermarket. I waited until she left the store and she was alone so I approached her. Keep in mind, she knows me from a few years ago when our kids went to the same day care center. She was blindsided and in shock. I brought proof via printouts of text messages directly from WW's cell phone. OMW and I spoke for an hour, gave her a good opportunity for me to tell her a lot as well as the fact that my family is in ruins. I have done my job and feel better on this part and the chips will now scatter where they may. Hopefully I soon won't have to worry about the EA going underground now that WW is out of the house. OM prevents her from having her own cell phone and keeps his devices private and locked. Guy must be a piece of work.


----------



## bandit.45

Good going Matrix! You did the right thing. I felt really bad when I exposed my wife and her lover to the OMW, but she thanked me. Man did the fireworks fly! 

Did she seem grateful? Given that her husband seems to have so much control over her, do get the sense she will act on the information?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## matrixD

I got the sense that she is somewhat afraid of her husband actually. She said he has a temper but she also said their marriage went through a very rough time in 2008 but they rebuilt it ( wasnt infidelity according to her). She was blown away because things with them have been better than ever lately! A weight is off my shoulders. I was scared but once I started I was relieved to be doing my moral obligation and taking a stand for my family and my marriage.


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Matrix.
Keep up the good fight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Just get yourself mentally prepared for the fireworks cause they are a comin'. You need to now expose to her family too. Go get the VAR and keep it on you if she calls or if the OM calls to threaten you. Get every thing they say recorded.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

matrixD I would recommend that if the OMW agreed, that the two of you confront your DW(WW). Seeing her and explaining that you've already shown her the text between her and the OM, may be enough of a shocker to your DW as pouring a bucket of ice cold water over the top of her head. Its all 'fun and games' to her until she sees the face of her victim(s) - if the OMW has children, they also are victims of your DW's selfish and destructive behavior.


----------



## this is bad

Fireworks are coming. Don't freakout, stay strong and don't get lured into any arguments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SprucHub

Good for you MatrixD!! Do not carry their baggage! I have to agree that you should get a voice activated reporter (VAR) and carry it on you. If there are any threats or fireworks, you'll be in a better position. Remeber how selfish, self-centered and sociopathic your wife and the OM are behaving and how unfathomable it is. Who knows what else will happen. With the VAR you'll have proof.

Remember - this is the type of man that would prevent his wife from having a cell phone. Who knows what kind of crazy is involved.


----------



## AngryandUsed

also learn from shamwow's story. In his case, WW started giving back. Fireworks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## matrixD

OM called me at home. Told me his wife told him I visited her and he wished I could have called him so we could work this out. Didn't have VAR so didn't want to say much. He denied having anything other than a mutual friendship and said my issues are between me and my wife and to eave him and his family out of it. He's no doubt already called WW


----------



## Almostrecovered

yup, he's going to gaslight her and doesnt want you interfering with his lame excuses


----------



## Almostrecovered

how solid was the proof you gave her?


----------



## matrixD

Showed her the IM chat screenshots


----------



## Complexity

Yeah it was inevitable that he was going to toss your wife to the curb after the deed was done.


----------



## morituri

Unlike OW, OM almost always throw their married women under the bus (that is that bump you felt after he called you).


----------



## bandit.45

Awesome!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## this is bad

You could also use your cell phone to record all conversations with your WW. Make sure you have enough memory. After a few recordings email them to you accounts. Erase - repeat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matrixD

Police officer was on my street so I inquired about a restraining order and she told me to not hesitate if I felt threatened. What was most telling about this jackaz is how controlling he is of his wife and how he wished I would have called him....so that none of this would ever get to his wife


----------



## DailyGrind

matrixD said:


> Police officer was on my street so I inquired about a restraining order and she told me to not hesitate if I felt threatened. What was most telling about this jackaz is how controlling he is of his wife and how he wished I would have called him....so that none of this would ever get to his wife


I got the same conversation from the OM when I exposed my W's early EA. Thank God I caught hers early.


----------



## tacoma

matrixD said:


> Police officer was on my street so I inquired about a restraining order and she told me to not hesitate if I felt threatened. What was most telling about this jackaz is how controlling he is of his wife and how he wished I would have called him....so that none of this would ever get to his wife


Well done.

Have you spoken to your wife since exposure?


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## tacoma

matrixD said:


> OM called me at home. Told me his wife told him I visited her and he wished I could have called him so we could work this out. Didn't have VAR so didn't want to say much. He denied having anything other than a mutual friendship and said my issues are between me and my wife and to eave him and his family out of it. He's no doubt already called WW


What utter ****ing hypocrisy.


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## happyman64

The OM is as big a coward as your WW.

Keep up the pressure!!


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## tacoma

Matrix,

I just re-read your thread.

Take half of whatever $$ is in your accounts and secure it in new accounts.
Only take half but definitely start covering your ass.

You just blew up her world and she`s not thinking right she could do anything.

Call a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings, you can stop these proceedings at any time prior to a judge signing the papers so if reconciliation is the route you and she decide to take it`s no big deal.

The actual documented reality of divorce papers will rock her world again so it`s best to do it quick and hope she becomes remorseful if you want R.

If you don`t want R then the process is begun and will be over sooner.

Either way it`s your best next step.


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## bandit.45

Cancel al your joint credit cards now!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

bandit.45 said:


> Cancel al your joint credit cards now!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## matrixD

We have no joint cards. I will be opening a new account tomorrow am WW has gone silent (first day of no contact since d day) and the kids are with me thru Sun so at even a HINT of threat I'm filing for restraining from OM


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## matrixD

this is bad said:


> You could also use your cell phone to record all conversations with your WW. Make sure you have enough memory. After a few recordings email them to you accounts. Erase - repeat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Looking for a way to do this on iPhones but all the apps got bad reviews. Don't want to wait to buy a var does anyone have a good way for doing this on iphone


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## Chaparral

Good job on on the exposure. Did you tell him to keep away from your wife and not contact her again? 

So glad you took great advise and didn't wait around.


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## tacoma

matrixD said:


> Looking for a way to do this on iPhones but all the apps got bad reviews. Don't want to wait to buy a var does anyone have a good way for doing this on iphone


I use this app for voice recording on my iPhone.

Top Secret Audio Recorder for iPhone, iPod touch (2nd generation), iPod touch (3rd generation), iPod touch (4th generation), and iPad on the iTunes App Store


It costs a buck and does the job.


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## Postulio

Wow, look at all of us in these messes. Why don't people look before they leap? All this bloodshed could be avoided if people weren't self centered cowards.

We all get lost and confused, but we marry (when from the heart) so we don't have to face these issues alone. So we will have someone by our side, helping, comforting, guiding, pushing and pulling us to the right end. We are all flesh, blood, heart and soul beings that need each other. 

I have been studying Nichiren Buddhism for almost 10 years now. Maybe this can help you deal with some emotions and view points.
No I am not preaching or trying to change anyone's religion, but through this I have learned patience is NOT a virtue, it is a way of life. All of this, as I see it, is logical.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_spiritual_realms


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## Postulio

For me I have found myself in the six lower realms for a good portion of my life. All of you have been there too. But as you see, being there for complete strangers allows us to step out of the lower and into the upper. I don't know what I would if I hadn't asked for help. MatrixD, you did the right thing by asking as well. I hope you feel as strengthend as I do now. I still haven't filed for divorce, there is a remaining shred of hope that she will wake up, come to her senses and we can grow and learn from this sort of thing. But, it's not easy for men on this sort of thing. We have an ego, and when it is damaged is not easily repaired. It takes several hot 21 year old girls to fully rebound. (I don't make the rules, I just enjoy them) We will always come back from these things, and if we don't we won't be around to care.


----------



## matrixD

Postulio said:


> For me I have found myself in the six lower realms for a good portion of my life. All of you have been there too. But as you see, being there for complete strangers allows us to step out of the lower and into the upper. I don't know what I would if I hadn't asked for help. MatrixD, you did the right thing by asking as well. I hope you feel as strengthend as I do now. I still haven't filed for divorce, there is a remaining shred of hope that she will wake up, come to her senses and we can grow and learn from this sort of thing. But, it's not easy for men on this sort of thing. We have an ego, and when it is damaged is not easily repaired. It takes several hot 21 year old girls to fully rebound. (I don't make the rules, I just enjoy them) We will always come back from these things, and if we don't we won't be around to care.


I appreciate what I have picked up here more than any other crisis in my life. I came here trembling and scared over a week ago, my life in ruins around me, and incapable of feeling anything but rage, pity and betrayal. It has been the darkest few weeks of my life but I now refuse to live in that place any longer. I've been blessed to have a truly amazing best friend for the last 28 years, and his support has helped me stand up, along with the solid advice given here. I was petrified of the thought of divorce even a week ago. It still scares me to think of a broken home for my two children that I love more than anything imaginable. But, no longer fear it because if it happens, it's because I decided not to continue down the path I've been cheated into taking, and start taking control of the rest of my life. Sure, I'll still be scared, but I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and know that I've done the right thing by myself, and by my children. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.


----------



## SprucHub

matrixD said:


> I appreciate what I have picked up here more than any other crisis in my life. I came here trembling and scared over a week ago, my life in ruins around me, and incapable of feeling anything but rage, pity and betrayal. It has been the darkest few weeks of my life but I now refuse to live in that place any longer. I've been blessed to have a truly amazing best friend for the last 28 years, and his support has helped me stand up, along with the solid advice given here. I was petrified of the thought of divorce even a week ago. It still scares me to think of a broken home for my two children that I love more than anything imaginable. But, no longer fear it because if it happens, it's because I decided not to continue down the path I've been cheated into taking, and start taking control of the rest of my life. Sure, I'll still be scared, but I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and know that I've done the right thing by myself, and by my children. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.


Way to be! Like GI JOE, knowing is half the battle. You see and can understand your options. You can clearly see what is going on around you. Maybe for the first time in years. You'll respect yourself more than when you were putting up with the sexlessness and distance and depression: her self-pity show.


----------



## matrixD

tacoma said:


> I use this app for voice recording on my iPhone.
> 
> Top Secret Audio Recorder for iPhone, iPod touch (2nd generation), iPod touch (3rd generation), iPod touch (4th generation), and iPad on the iTunes App Store
> 
> 
> It costs a buck and does the job.


Does this record incoming calls to the iPhone? That's what I'm after. A discrete way to record calls to my cell


----------



## Complexity

Call Recording Apps: iPad/iPhone Apps AppGuide

check these out


----------



## matrixD

I'll give google voice a shot, the others are not very seamless when receiving a call


----------



## Romeo_Holden

you handled this the right way hopefully it will end for the best but you definitely carried yourself well


----------



## lordmayhem

matrixD said:


> Does this record incoming calls to the iPhone? That's what I'm after. A discrete way to record calls to my cell


If you're trying to record her incoming calls, then try one of these:

Mobile Spy - Monitor SMS Text Messages, Call Info and GPS Locations on iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Windows Mobile and Symbian OS Smartphones. Spy Software for Monitoring your Cell Phone

Cell Phone Spy Software, Cell Phone monitoring Software

You will have to jailbreak the iPhone to install these.


----------



## tacoma

matrixD said:


> Does this record incoming calls to the iPhone? That's what I'm after. A discrete way to record calls to my cell


No authorized app will do such a thing.

You`ll need to jailbreak the iPhone and download an app from cydia if you want to record phone conversations on an iPhone.


----------



## Shaggy

Yeah, about the only way to hear calls to a cell are to have a VAR in the room - even then you only get the one side.

you're looking to wiretap - and that my friend is a no go zone.


----------



## matrixD

Update I bought a var and it's in my pocket at all times in case WW or OM contact me. Thanks all for the help to date


----------



## bandit.45

Has she still not contacted you? Wonder if OM has told her you exposed them or not? Did you tell her family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## matrixD

Still no contact so I don't know. I've kind of gone dark on her at this point but I'm assuming he got to her by now. My focus is me and my kids. My daughter is messed up about not seeing her mom


----------



## Initfortheduration

matrixD said:


> Still no contact so I don't know. I've kind of gone dark on her at this point but I'm assuming he got to her by now. My focus is me and my kids. My daughter is messed up about not seeing her mom


Matrix, I'm very proud of you. Now go watch "Commando" with Arny your name sake "Matrix".


----------



## matrixD

Update - my WW made contact. Either OM hasn't dropped the bomb or she's playing it cool. Her demeanor was as normal as could be expected under the circumstances. While I find it hard to believe that the OM wouldn't tell her this breaking news (given their damn near constant contact leading up to this) perhaps the OM is stewing or has decided to not make this an worse. He has a temper, that I know. But he's also full of schitt and excuses at the same time. He was manipulative and now he's most likely making up stories to his wife that he controls. 

So I'm less afraid of D now than ever before. But it's a step I still wrestle with for the sole reason of its finality. Yes, it could shake WW out of her fantasyland but at the same time, it could take a very fragile person (which at this point I sense she is aft speaking with her father) and make her worse. But then again this gets worse before better either way, right?

Her father now knows my side of the story. Which is to say he knows that that I always honored her and stood by her, even as she deceived me. Her father is very level headed and calm and to,d me he cannot take sides. He must support her but he said she's all kind of messed up. She is convinced she isn't cut out for motherhood, and she is definitely not happy. What I can't sort out is if her guilt is preventing her from thoughts of R, or if she's moved past thinking R is possible. Part of me thinks she checked out years ago and this is her best chance at bowing out, sad as that sounds, I feel that is highly possible.

So that leaves me - sad as I am, I'm getting stronger and starting to realize the very real possibility of her not in my life as my W. but i can't move on without recognition and her owning this. I will be a man and own my share of our marital baggage, but I can't accept the fall of this family as it is currently going down, I don't deserve this.

So I'm in the hell called limbo I suppose. I await something from her, prepared at the same time for an attack of sorts from OM. Inching closer mentally to D. Do I have anything to lose by consulting an attorney? Probably a good move based on everyone's urging. I just wish I had a better sense of which way it would push her.


----------



## Chaparral

You need to talk to an atty to protect yourself and your family. Let him know what kind of person the OM is. He might need to write a letter to OM also.

I doubt any single thing you do will push her one way or another.

Looks like she needs to see an MD and also go to counseling.

Has she been checked for depression and hormone levels. Isn't not wanting to be a mother after having children very rare?

Does she party, go out with the girls?

Get FIL on board with getting her to MD and counsleor.



Good luck and prayers.


----------



## Chaparral

Has post partum depression been looked into. I think there are a couple of other threads going on here involving ppd.


----------



## Beowulf

Pardon my potential ignorance but doesn't PPD occur almost immediately after childbirth. The OP stated his youngest is 3. Could she be having PPD three years later?


----------



## Chaparral

Beowulf said:


> Pardon my potential ignorance but doesn't PPD occur almost immediately after childbirth. The OP stated his youngest is 3. Could she be having PPD three years later?


Someone else here is going through that exact thing. Sex life also stopped three years ago , no?


----------



## Beowulf

chapparal said:


> Someone else here is going through that exact thing. Sex life also stopped three years ago , no?


Are you referring to the OP that was in law enforcement and eventually learned the truth after threatening to have his WW take a polygraph? Sorry, I may be tired or it could be the Jamesons.


----------



## Chaparral

Beowulf said:


> Are you referring to the OP that was in law enforcement and eventually learned the truth after threatening to have his WW take a polygraph? Sorry, I may be tired or it could be the Jamesons.


That sounds like it. She was having an affair with a family friend?


----------



## tacoma

matrixD said:


> So I'm in the hell called limbo I suppose. I await something from her, prepared at the same time for an attack of sorts from OM. Inching closer mentally to D. Do I have anything to lose by consulting an attorney? Probably a good move based on everyone's urging.


You should have already retained a lawyer and he should be writing the papers.

Get this done, act quickly, it`s a win win either way.

You can`t depend on her to take a definitive direction unless she`s pushed.

No, you can`t be sure which way it`ll push her but it`s most likely you`ll be heading where you were heading anyway, just faster.

Do it.


----------



## bandit.45

Might as well cite abandonment and request sole custody of the kids. That will knock her off her perch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40132-can-i-believe-her.html

I have already posted this once it turns out. 

Have you researched Post Partum Depression? This all started three years ago when your last child was born.

There is a third thread here too that has PPD written all over it.

It can turn a woman's and her families life upside down


----------



## Beowulf

chapparal said:


> That sounds like it. She was having an affair with a family friend?


Yes, I believe so.


----------



## Beowulf

20yrshurt&r said:


> I can tell you PPD can start after a child and then become a long term depression that won't let go if not treated. My wife started there then never recovered until she faced it.


I can see that left untreated PPD can linger into a longer more pronounced depression. I guess my question was can symptoms of PPD first manifest years after the child is born? I don't recall the OP stating that she was depressed or had problems beginning when their 3 year old was born. I may be mistaken.


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## DailyGrind

20yrshurt&r said:


> I can tell you PPD can start after a child and then become a long term depression that won't let go if not treated. My wife started there then never recovered until she faced it.


I also wonder if this is not MY wife's problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matrixD

There is a possibility that my WW has / had a form of PPD, but it's likely that her emotional state has been ruled by a deeper depression for several years. She's been on and off Pagxil and Wellbutrin in the past 4 years and she also tried hormonal therapy. The only thing that seemed to change her mental outlook was exercise - the more vigorous and regular, the less depressed she felt. Unfortunately, with each cycle like this, her feeling 'good' would take her further from me. I recall a similar situation back in 2002 or so...the better she started to feel about herself through exercise and weight loss, the better she would feel and more distant she would become. I sensed back then that she might be finding happiness elsewhere but was never able to confirm it.

So here is where we are. On Friday night we got together to let her see the kids. She does want to be with them, but she feels she needs to take things a day at a time, and she looks very gaunt and awful as if she's taken weight loss past where she needs to. She seems emotionally vacant to me. Unable to apologize or show any remorse for tearing this family apart. She stares forward and says little. I asked her if she would please talk to me, and she said " I don't know what to say to you"

I've discussed this with some dear friends. dear friends who know her a long time and they have concluded that she is refusing to deal with the guilt. She won't tell people what is going on other than to say that her and I are having issues. She's not taking any accountability and I'm starting to actually think that this is what she has wanted all along. Perhaps she purposely left that text message to OM for me to see. Twisted as that sounds, if she's that desperate, is it not possible?

I agree with the recommendation for psychiatrist. I'm having a hard time doing 180 simply because I am worried for her well being. A friend told me of a similar situation with his ex where his ex tried to kill herself. Her emotional vacant ness scares me to my core. She's not this person, she can't be this person. It's as if she's been possessed. Isq this what happens to people who do something so heinous?

I told her I have no desire to live in limbo. I didn't put her n the clock with the apt but I told her I don't want this situation for my children and for myself


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## Chaparral

You need to talk to her father and see what you can do to have her commited. She sounds like she may endanger her own life. Better safe than sorry.

Very odd that when she exercises and gets better she would distance herself from you. There are certainly issues in your marriage. How would you describe them?

Does anyone in her family have mental health issues?

I heard counselors the other day say depression had to treated with therapy as well as medication. Has she been doing this?


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## Initfortheduration

matrixD said:


> Update - my WW made contact. Either OM hasn't dropped the bomb or she's playing it cool. Her demeanor was as normal as could be expected under the circumstances. While I find it hard to believe that the OM wouldn't tell her this breaking news (given their damn near constant contact leading up to this) perhaps the OM is stewing or has decided to not make this an worse. He has a temper, that I know. But he's also full of schitt and excuses at the same time. He was manipulative and now he's most likely making up stories to his wife that he controls.
> 
> So I'm less afraid of D now than ever before. But it's a step I still wrestle with for the sole reason of its finality. Yes, it could shake WW out of her fantasyland but at the same time, it could take a very fragile person (which at this point I sense she is aft speaking with her father) and make her worse. But then again this gets worse before better either way, right?
> 
> Her father now knows my side of the story. Which is to say he knows that that I always honored her and stood by her, even as she deceived me. Her father is very level headed and calm and to,d me he cannot take sides. He must support her but he said she's all kind of messed up. She is convinced she isn't cut out for motherhood, and she is definitely not happy. What I can't sort out is if her guilt is preventing her from thoughts of R, or if she's moved past thinking R is possible. Part of me thinks she checked out years ago and this is her best chance at bowing out, sad as that sounds, I feel that is highly possible.
> 
> So that leaves me - sad as I am, I'm getting stronger and starting to realize the very real possibility of her not in my life as my W. but i can't move on without recognition and her owning this. I will be a man and own my share of our marital baggage, but I can't accept the fall of this family as it is currently going down, I don't deserve this.
> 
> So I'm in the hell called limbo I suppose. I await something from her, prepared at the same time for an attack of sorts from OM. Inching closer mentally to D. Do I have anything to lose by consulting an attorney? Probably a good move based on everyone's urging. *I just wish I had a better sense of which way it would push her.*


I guess that would all depend on which way your front door faced.


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## bandit.45

The fact that she has not gone off on you about telling the OMW indicates to me that she is depressed and needs psychiatric attention. A cheating woman in her right frame of mind would have been all over you with anger.


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## Goldmember357

leave her she is infected and has sealed her fate you might have to. Are you worthy of a good woman? your wife right now is not a good woman nor is wife material. 

Cheating is not something good people do its something those who are corrupted do.

Your marriage has been a failure for years sadly lack of sex and being "roommates as you claim" this is all very sad but its true as you made note of it. You see its very common for one person in a sexless marriage especially a marriage with nos ex for years and in which they feel they are roommates to seek someone outside the marriage. She sealed her fate but not divorcing it she cheated there is no excuse for her behavior though i could see were she might be coming from i could see why you might want to cheat. I am also shocked you have not cheated most men would divorce or cheat after a while of a sexless marriage let alone one in which the people are like roommates.



Here is what is true you guy's never had a consummate love or else this would not be happening. You guys had a love and it was likely a fatuous, compassionate, or a liking friendship love, from what it sounds like a romantic love. GOOGLE the Triangular theory of love identify what your love was at. Case being the love has not existed for years likely at all and you guy's were not meant for each other but for some reason likely (physical and romantic attractions) remained together and ignored all signs.


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## Goldmember357

bandit.45 said:


> The fact that she has not gone off on you about telling the OMW indicates to me that she is depressed and needs psychiatric attention. A cheating woman in her right frame of mind would have been all over you with anger.


it seems she has mental health issues and always had them that combined with increasing depression and lack of a sex life for years coupled with the fact these two were likely never truly meant for each other. And instead liked each other enough to be around each other and a few other reasons but ignored key significant signs of a failing relationship and when to end it.

Most cases of infidelity can be avoided if you really know the other person and if you are not a cheater yourself. What it comes down to is much more than just need a opportunity.


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## SprucHub

Matrix - You know her better than anyone, and if you are nervous about her hurting herself, you should contact her father. Maybe she is mourning the loss of the OM, or the dream of the OM. The statement she doesn't know if she is cut out for motherhood is telling. You can check out of a marriage - not out of parenting. This is a woman spending time away from a 3 y/o, a 3 y/o! All preceded by an EA with an OM. If they were together, would she be so forelorn?

Contact an attorney, start the process. It can always be stopped. Just, you're exiting limbo. Tell her, it seems she wants to leave but lacks the constitution, but that you suffer from no such cowardice.


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## matrixD

I visited her father (he is recovering from bypass surgery this past December) and told him at length about my concerns for her mental health, both he and her brother are very concerned. She is saying she is fine when asked


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## thrway214

It has been a while since the last post. matrix, do you know if the A is still on-going? If not, it might be time to stop the 180 and work on being supportive. 

Post A, there is a lot of shame and guilt that she is dealing with. If she was depressed before, she is worse now. It is time to stop 180, assuming the A is well and truly stopped. Drop me a note if you read this. I can catch you up on my situation.


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## matrixD

I decided to D after realizing that I was tired I being disrespected I consulted with two attorneys who were different in their approach but both gave me some things to consider before doing the asset discovery. My Wife contacted me and asked if I had retained N attorney (one attorney left a message on house voicemail and we both get emails of voicemails) I said yes and she asked if I would consider mediation to avoid cost and work things out between is amicably. I agreed with caveats that we both first meet and discuss our intended outcomes rather than spending 2 hours at $400 and walk away with nothing but disappointment. She agreed. She told me she only wants money to care for my son and daughter and has no interest in the house or it's contents. I decided to immediately mediate. In mediation she again indicated wanting only spousal support to cover the kids and told me if I could afford the mortgage then I should stay in the house. Joint custody - 50/50 split and some money from some investments as opposed to what she legally could get in spousal support and child support based on our salary differential. The mediator was somewhat in disbelief but agreed to draft a property settlement and outline the terms of our D. We are hopefully a few weeks from drafting an agreement for the courts with a 4/3 3/4 schedule for joint custody and most everything else worked out

I was on the fence for so long guys, you know that, foolishly thinking my wayward spouse would wake up. Then I decided to respect myself and live my life and let her go. The A is over but she has no remorse and isn't wasting any time furnishing her apt with money from her father, telling her fAmily that we weren't right together and that her A was never physical. As if that diminishes its affect on our lives together. I decided to strike while she was a 'groggy bear' (my attorney's term for it) and still living with the guilt. The alternative for me would be brutal financially and I'd end up in a shack myself trying to care for my kids. From now on, it's only about the three of us, an the rest of our lives. That's all I can control - and that's all I want to focus on now. I'm done living a loveless lie and being disrespected.


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## Chaparral

Good luck and prayers for you and your children.


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## CH

matrixD said:


> From now on, it's only about the three of us, an the rest of our lives


You'll eventually add that 4th person that you deserve. GL with this new phase of your life.


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## happyman64

MatrixD,

Good for you and your children.

I am glad that you took steps to improve your life but also your children's.

I know you will find love again. Focus on the kids and everything else will fall in place in time.

I am also glad that your WW has not tried to soak you in the divorce.

Way to handle matters between you two.

HM64


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## thrway214

matrix, good to hear that you took some positive steps for yourself. All the very best to you and the kids.


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## SprucHub

matrixD said:


> I decided to D after realizing that I was tired I being disrespected From now on, it's only about the three of us, an the rest of our lives. That's all I can control - and that's all I want to focus on now. I'm done living a loveless lie and being disrespected.


Matrix - Self-respect is what really matters. All else flows from there. I am glad you reclaimed yours!


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## Lazarus

If she didn't have mental health issues before the affair, perhaps she was unhappy with her lot. Cheating in itself creates mental imbalance because the cheater becomes adept at being the best liar on the planet to thwart you and your family. That's when her own self created mind health becomes unbalanced. She's thinking of OM when with you and when with OM she ain't thinking of you!

Self obsessed with HER desires, she ignores and destroys everything around her and then blames everyone but herself. 

If she has depression, she needs PROFESSIONAL help. She could be using it as a cover up to avoid taking responsibilty for seeing all the harm inflicted not only on herself but also on her family.

If she won't recognise or accept her mental health and well being as possibly being unbalanced, she should at the very least see the harm deliberately created on you and her family. If none of that is recognised then, Divorce papers will bring home the reality. 

The vows, 'in sickness and in health' should mean just that but if she doesn't accept professional help then you have tried your best to uphold your side of the bargain by trying to get her help but dealing with someone in denial is very difficult and then you have to think of your kids wellbeing and their mental health with indenial and depression .


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## discern

First of all, sorry about what has happened. The same happened to me, wife of 11 years has been having an emotional affair - I was devastated but she is still staying with me despite me having to deal with the pain. I want out of the marriage but the kids are the ones who will suffer so I am allowing 6 months to decide finally what is important. There are 3 things that have helped me, courtesy of this forum:

1. You have to expose it to friends and family. Anything that remains covered only gets worse.

2. You need to remain firm and assertive - it is easy to spiral down emotionally and make unpleasant decisions. The choice to reconcile is yours but you have to be firm and assertive about what needs to change going forward. One of the things to demand is for a no-contact with the lover. It will help to define what social boundaries exist: In increasing order they are: Marriage (only 2 people inside), Personal/Family (kids and immediate family), Social (friends etc) and then Public (acquaintances).

3. Make a 180 degree turn - begin to do things you have always wanted to do but never did. Go to the gym... get your life back again.

It will not be easy but this will be the beginning of another season for you and your kids. Make it a better season.

I wish you well.


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## Chaparral

zombie thread


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## matrixD

Stories of my death have been greatly exaggerated...

Thanks Chap for the bump and the reminder to come back here and give back in a sense. Its been a long, but fruitful several months since my last post. While I may still dwell in dark places from time to time, mainly still asking myself why / how, they are far less frequent and my life has started to turn around.

Thanks to the kick in the balls from the material and help from you all here, as well as about a half dozen books on surviving infidelity, I finally picked myself up and dusted myself off and had revelation after revelation about what is most important in my life.

I filed for divorce and it was made official in September 2012. We did a collaborative after mediation and i ended up buying her out of our marital residence. 50/50 joint custody of the kids, and a settlement that made things manageable for me to support myself and my wonderful children. I will freely admit that my greatest trepidation in all of this was the well being of my children and feeling like shattering their illusion of family and of unity. But God has a curious way and over these last many months Ive learned to embrace my opportunity to be an even BETTER father than I was capable of; free from the lies, the stomach-churning months of anguish living with someone who didnt respect me, lied to my face and ultimately showed no accountability in tearing my family. Freed from feelings of inadequacy, and finally able to be that SINGLE PARENT that I truly had been all these past years in our less than ideal marriage.

I will always harbor resentment, at least after a year thats how I still feel. I will always be pained by the brutal truth and I will always feel the lip-biting angst when I take the high road around her for the benefit of my children. I have so much love in my heart for my kids, I try to find ways and ask God regularly for the faith strength and ability to forgive, one day. But that is very hard and i struggle with it constantly

My ex is out on her own. Shes had a string of 'significant others' since her father put her up in an apartment. I battled regularly with her to keep her disgusting partners away from my kids prior to our official D. But that too was a battle I had to resign myself to. I gave up driving by her apt to see which man she was with, gave up on catching her in lies, and stopped driving down her street altogether. I credit a very dear friend for being there for me every step of the way, and keeping me focused. I began working out daily 2 months after our separation. I began eating and treating myself well. I began to focus on being around for my kids, and being around for the second half of my LIFE and making it the best part yet.

When I am without my kids, in this big house, I sometimes cry uncontrollably. Its difficult, really difficult, even a year later to come to terms with this new life I am in. To watch someone (ex) who is so consumed with herself and so very unfettered with being a mother, and finding that I am the complete opposite....it brings home a lot of realizations and forces me to face truths about the fact that what I had wasnt a marriage. It wasnt a lost cause, but there werent two people trying to fix it.

At the end of the day, she is happy. Shes out of the apt and into her own place that her father helped her buy. Its great for the kids in a great neighborhood, and its close. I see my kids 3-4 days a week and we have an agreeable schedule for custody. I work all the time at making sure the kids are understanding of the situation, and I am there for them if they ever get sad or wonder why things are the way they are. She still does tons of sh*t to piss me off, but its mainly the selfish cr*p that makes me the most ticked off - trips with her BF du jour, skydiving, and all kinds of bucket list things that reek and scream midlife crisis. But it is what it is. I want to be healthy and happy so I focus elsewhere.

I met a woman a few months into my separation and she and I shared a lot of great times. We were in similar situations and we helped each other out quite a bit emotionally. I chose to never bring her around my children. Something I wish she would have chosen to do with her 4-5 studs shes been with the last year.

im just not ready. i need more work on me. but I will get there. in some strange way, the fact that i stand on a higher moral ground is a mild comfort, but its never really ever enough. but my faith is something that ive come back to. its something ive prayed for and am working at, i hope i get there. I really think that forgiveness would free me of so much of what i keep inside me. i just dont know how or when I ever will.

Nothing ever became of OM. OW, as expected, buried head in sand and they live a happy life I guess. Ive seen them around town a few times and thats where my faith really is tested, but again - im taking a high road if its there to take. I know now the extent of my ex's infidelity. It was divulged by her father to me, over time. He told me she was in love with another man "years ago" (read: during our marriage, but years ago) but she let him go after much emotional struggle. Finding this out hurt deeply, of course. I was gutted. But over time it made the most recent transgressions somehow easier to swallow - in that it solidified that I was a fool, and not meant to be married to someone that didnt respect me. Was she a serial cheater? I dont know. Back then, I dont even remember us having issues. But maybe she would say that in and of itself shows how clueless I was. I just hate the fact that I trusted her and she violated it, shredded it, and didnt even cry a single tear. I dont even think i know her or knew her. But when I see her now (and its funny, I read a thread online entitled "when you see your ex, is it me or do you feel like who the F is this person?") - I really feel like she is an alien. But that might just be all the collagen, botox and new ink.

Really not my style anyway.

Cheers everyone and thanks (felt good coming back here)


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## happyman64

MatrixD

Wow man you are all grown up!

I am glad you are better or at least in a better place than you were last year.

Your ex is toxic my man. Beware of the day she wakes up and truly realizes what she did. It will not happen for awhile.

Probably after the 20th boyfriend. Or when she is lying in her hospital bed and wonders why her kids are not there holding her hand.

You will see.....

But I truly hope you find happiness. 

And do not think for a moment her Dad does not realize what a loser his daughter really is. Sadly, he will always be there to clean up her messes or support her horrible decisions.

Be well.

HM64


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## Vinnydee

Whenever a cheating wife is caught she first seeks to minimize what they did. She knows that telling you about the great sex and oral is not going to make things better so she tells as little as she can. She therefore continues to lie and deceive you. Their next strategy is to shift all or part of the blame to you. You are not the only guy who wants to go to counselling but his wife does not. To tell the truth, people often go to counselling too late. You cannot erase the hurt and the events that happened. No matter what, you will forever be suspicious of her and she will grow to resent it. It takes a very long time to regain trust from someone who sounds like she does not love you and is using depression and anything else she can think of to deflect blame. I am suffering from depression but not having affairs. Why would messing up my marriage make me feel better? Just excuses.

No sex for 3 years is a long time. I would have been out of the marriage after 6 months of no sex. My wife knows that I can and will find other women to have sex with if she no longer wants it. I am not about to let my wife walk all over me. I would have taken action after the first phone call and not waited. I would not need positive proof of cheating because whether she is or not, her actions are having the same effect on me as if she was cheating so the net result is the same; distrust and anger. I refuse to live with a woman who I cannot trust. If you staid together your wife is going to have to deal with you bringing her cheating up a lot, especially when you argue. It is not going to be a good marriage. It is not like you went from a great marriage to cheating overnight. Your marriage was effectively over a few years ago but you refused to bury it.

Women also become addicted to their lovers. Even if they know the serious consequences if they get caught, they cannot help themselves and will continue the affair but be more carefully the next time. I had an affair with a married women who never wore a wedding ring and never told me she was married until her husband caught us having sex in a car. She promised him that she would not do it again and the very next day she called me up asking me to meet her in a motel for sex. I asked about her husband and she said not to worry about him because it was obvious that he did not want a divorce.

It is your life and no one can really tell you what to do because we are not affected by your decision. It sure sounds that counselling will simply be a speed bump on the road for divorce as it is for many people. Just read all the post here. I never knew anyone who was helped by marriage counselling despite the statistics they spew. Those statistics are only measured over a year and if the couple splits earlier, they have no way of knowing it. It is just delaying the inevitable and will drain your bank account. Adults do not change. Good luck.


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## MattMatt

Kitten says "Destroy all Zombies. It's the way they would have wanted to go."










Or in the words of Kitty https://www.freesound.org/people/Elethorpia/sounds/133869/

Closing down Zombie Thread.


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