# How to win her back?



## Bryan (Aug 2, 2010)

Hi. I am new here and I need serious advice. I will try to explain my situation as briefly and as correctly as possible.
A few months ago my live-in girlfriend of six years found out I was cheating on her. I admitted immediately and told her it was only a sex affair as she, for objective reasons, refused to have sex with me for a longer period of time. She moved out a few days later, but we stayed in contact almost all the time, arguing, coming back together, and arguing again. After two months I moved to a different city for work and before all this happened she was supposed to move 
there with me. Before I left we spent several romantic evenings speaking of how much we loved each other. However, before my departure we agreed to break contact at a certain moment to give each of us time to think about our relationship and our lives. We talked to each other another couple of days and than did what was agreed. Three weeks no phone call, no sms, no mail. When the day finally came and when she called me again I was blistering with happiness, while she said she came to the conclusion we had to separate. She says she needs some time to be alone, out of a relationship, to take care of herself alone, to grow up, to start to know better herself. As you can guess, dear unknown friends, my conclusion was completely different. Although I realized I had many other opportunities, I wanted to be with her. Just her. Not because of her looks (now it would be more appropriate to say "despite her looks"), even without sex. I want to be with her because we were so close, because we know each other, because we were so sincere (except my stupid cheating, of course). I love her for her soul, for what's inside. 
Anyway, since she said she wanted definitely to brake up, we have had several long talks in which I was trying to persuade her to come back, that things have changed, that I have realized the fool I was, that I would do anything possible to make her happy, begging and crying for another chance. For only 15 days to prove it. On the other hand, she insists that she needs to be alone, that we are not made for each other, that our views of the world are so much different. She is saying that what I want is not healthy and reproaches to me that I do not want to let her go.
I just feel that I can not give up, that she is wrong and that it would be a shame to throw everything up. That sooner or later she would realize that she is wrong and that than it will be too late. I offered every possible compromise, but she is still refusing (I think because she is generally really stubborn).
What should I do? Should I leave her alone? How could I win her back?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You should let her go. She is telling you she isn't ready - until she is your only going to just piss her off an alienate her more. She's done - the end. 

She may come back someday - if she does great - but she is definitely not going to come back right now.


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## Bryan (Aug 2, 2010)

First, thank you TN for your advice.
So you tnink that's it? Nothing more could be done? I should just give up?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"I wanted to be with her. Just her. Not because of her looks (now it would be more appropriate to say "despite her looks"), *even without sex*."

That wasn't the case last time. Why should she believe you now?

"we have had several long talks in which I was trying to persuade her to come back, that things have changed, that I have realized the fool I was, that I would do anything possible to make her happy, begging and crying for another chance. For *only 15 days to prove it*."

Having cheated on my wife, I think it will be more like 15 years to prove it.

She hasn't invested the time in you that she can't walk away with minimal damage. You should probably do the same.


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## Bryan (Aug 2, 2010)

Chris you didn't understand me. As she didn't want to come here for a longer period, I asked to spend just 15 days and see. Of course I wanted more. I have nothing against 15 years.

And about sex, yep, you're right... I made a big mistake that i regret now, and I understand that it is difficult to be believed now.

But the thing is that my adultery was just a cause for the separation. The problems are much deeper and the fact that I cheated is well out of focus now.


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## HaleyJ (Aug 3, 2010)

There are other problems to solve that are much deeper so you go out and sleep with someone else?? Is this how you handle problems? If so, then can surely see why she left! It doesn't matter if the person you cheated with was just for sex or not....it's still a huge betrayal and one alot of people can never get over or accept. If I was your girlfriend I'd be doing the same exact thing! You know.....you aren't the only man in the world and there are other men out there who know how to treat women, and also respect them and their feelings! I'm glad to see that your girlfriend realizes this and has enough self respect to not settle! You may regret what you did and think it was a mistake, but you should have thought about that BEFORE you did it! I would think it's probably too late now. I know that your intentions are good now, but that's a little hard to prove to someone in her position. Actions speak louder than words. You have to realize that you did a very hurtful thing....one of the worst. You had to at least realize when you did it, the possible consequences of your actions.


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## Bryan (Aug 2, 2010)

Only TN wrote something that makes sense. The rest of you... thank you, but I do not need to be spit in the face. I needed help and advice in a difficult situation, and not only more pain.
A nice forum you've got here... I am sure never to come back...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bryan, what do you expect people to tell you when you say that you cheated on her? Even when you tell us, you give us a REASON - and the reason is that it is HER fault. She denied you sex, so you went elsewhere. 

Does that sound like love to you?

Love is when you care more about the other person's feelings. 

How does cheating fit into that?

Let her go, and take this time without a girlfriend to do some soul-searching and maturing and learning. Read _His Needs Her Needs_, to see what a real relationship needs to be. Not just your side, but your partner's side as well. That way, when you meet your next partner - or when you have another chance with this one - you can show the maturity and wisdom to know how to keep a relationship safe and healthy.

Life is a series of learning experiences. Embrace it.


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## HaleyJ (Aug 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> Bryan, what do you expect people to tell you when you say that you cheated on her? Even when you tell us, you give us a REASON - and the reason is that it is HER fault. She denied you sex, so you went elsewhere.
> 
> Does that sound like love to you?
> 
> ...


 AWESOME advice!!! I might just get that book!!!!


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

I'm speaking on no bias here. I know it from both sides -- I've cheated on so many people, and have been cheated on myself.

Also, speaking from a woman's perspective. In all honesty, Bryan, she is letting you know in the nicest way possible that she never really wants to be with you. Within that amount of time, she was only figuring out a way to get over you rather than a way to forgive you for cheating.

You must also understand that this is a marriage forum, and people are here for a reason. The majority of them are jaded, especially against cheating, either for being cheated on themselves, or for witnessing cheating ruining a perfectly wonderful relationship. Therefore not many people have anything nice to say about it.

Just believe, with all your heart and soul, that everything happens for a reason. Yes, you love her with all of the essence of yourself, and you would love nothing more than to spend the rest of your days with her, and that you would want to spend the rest of your life making up that one stupid mistake of yours.

But think of it this way: You have now realized what cheating does to a wonderful relationship. In the future, you know now that you will never do something like that again, therefore making your future relationships even better than your previous ones. You realize the pain it put her through, and once you would find someone else that you can love again with all of your heart and soul (even though you can't quite imagine that now), you will cherish it and not go to the point of finding someone to fill that gap in the sexual aspects.

With myself, I am experiencing a rather sexless marriage, but even though I lack that aspect of the relationship at the moment, that means that the next time we do anything passionate, it'll be so much more enjoyable -- a "enjoy it while it lasts" sort of moment -- and I know for a fact that no matter what, I'll never go seeking another person to fulfill my instinctual desires. My husband is the only man I've ever been with whom I have never cheated on. I've experienced the pain of being cheated on, and it is indeed particularly difficult to forgive, but I ended up forgiving the person for it. However, by that point of forgiving them, it was far too late to salvage the relationship.

I honestly hope you will stay. I do think you are a good person, even if some people can't quite see it.


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

*Speaking to the others:* The last thing a person really needs on this forum is being attacked rather than helped. People need to stop speaking without being entirely biased. A lot of people tend to not want to be in a hostile environment and are less likely to share their thoughts, even when they truly do need help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ErosLife said:


> *Speaking to the others:* The last thing a person really needs on this forum is being attacked rather than helped. People need to stop speaking without being entirely biased. A lot of people tend to not want to be in a hostile environment and are less likely to share their thoughts, even when they truly do need help.


So if someone is doing something harmful, how are you supposed to let them know that you consider it harmful without saying specifically that the act is harmful?

fwiw, I have no experience with infidelity so am not biased in that respect. But I DO speak from a position of knowledge, based on years of helping people dealing with infidelity, that cheating is NOT an answer to your problems and causes way more harm than good. Therefore, I hope to convince people like Bryan to turn their lives around and live a life where they don't have to lie and cheat and hide and harm others.

It's interesting that those who come here who are cheaters, almost to a man, posit that other people should not be harsh. While those who don't cheat, don't waste time on that factor.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm going to try hard to make sure that my response is phrased so that you won't feel I'm trying to judge you for what you did. You've already admitted what you did, and admitted it was wrong, so there's no real reason to go over that. 

As for winning her back, though...you need to let that idea go. I've been cheated on in the past. And trust me, it's not something that you can just forget and move past. The images of what happened, or what might have happened, they stick with you. And if she's anything like me, they make it impossible to try to work things out. 

She asked for a break from you, so that you could each consider the relationship and decide what you each wanted to do with it. You came to the conclusion that you still wanted it and loved her; she came to a different conclusion. You have to accept that. #1, if you continue to bug her, eventually it could be seen as stalking and/or harassment, and at that point you risk legal trouble. #2, assuming you eventually talked her into taking you back...do you really want to be with someone you had to convince, persuade, basically force to be with you? Do you really want to be with her, knowing that she is not happy, that she is miserable and wishing to be anywhere but with you? 

That's not love. If you love someone, you want them to be happy. You want them to be happy, even if that happiness isn't with you. You don't want them to be miserable just so you can be happy. 

Chalk this up to a lesson learned. You now know the consequences of cheating, and won't do that again. You now know that no matter how much you love someone, you can't force them to be with you or to love you in return. 

Keep these thoughts in mind as you move on, and when you meet someone new, hopefully you won't make the same mistakes again.


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## Bryan (Aug 2, 2010)

Thank you all for your constructive advice, your time and nice wishes.
Right now I have the impression that she wants to come back. I will go home next week and we will meet to discuss things. Once again I will offer her to continue our relationship, but if she still doesn't want that, I will move on and hope we will stay friends.
You all people stick to my infidelity, but she says that the problems are of a different nature, believe it or not, mostly politics . 
This will maybe sound strange to most of you - I have been cheated too and when I loved, and when the cheating person showed she regretted it, I had no problem with forgiving it.


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