# Husband seems to only want anal......



## Ella2010 (Mar 23, 2010)

I do not know what to do anymore. My husband only seems to want to have anal sex. I do not enjoy it and due to health reasons, should not be participating in it (I have very little colon left and cannot afford damage or infection). He knows this and promised not to do it, but once we are having sex (cause we don't make love) he goes for anal. It's like something comes over him and he is not himself. He is not gentle and hurts me. I am completely disgusted with him and myself after this last time. I was ordered to take off my clothes, then he went in for the kill with no foreplay. He stretched me beyond belief, ejaculated outside of me, left it dripping off my back, got up, showered and left me there. I have never felt so disgusted or humiliated in my life. I am so physically hurt that I cannot sit without a pillow and it has been over a week. I am reluctantly going in to see a doctor. He also watches this live porn site 24/7 and it was just after watching an anal session that I was attacked for lack of a better word. It's hard for me to even look at him right now. Any advice?


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Do a Google search for a local divorce lawyer!


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## Lostbut.... (Mar 22, 2010)

Yeah I think that is totally abusive, I believe I read the term marital rape in another thread. Regardless you don't have to put up with that and if he cared he wouldn't make you. I am so sorry to hear of your situation and hope you find a resolution expeditiously.


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

oh my it sounds like he raped you  I am sorry this happened to you what does he say when you talk to him about NOT doing it this way anymore? it sounds like eventually you will need to seperate if this is ALL he wants and you CANT due to medical reasons. Its difficult to say whether or not this relationship can work. I can not believe he did this to you I am disgusted.


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## Flanders (Feb 26, 2010)

It is not normal for a straight man to want anal all the time. Maybe once a year or once every 3 years would be normal. In my opinion vaginal sex feels better or both. You say he watches porn 24/7? Does he have a job? If the guy is anally raping you and doesn't work why are you with him? I would get out of the relationship. It is not health for either of you.


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## Ella2010 (Mar 23, 2010)

Okay, so I'm not crazy, because that's how it felt to me too. I felt totally abused. He has been diagnosed as being bipolar and he took the medication for a while, then about 2 years ago he stopped. It's like hell when he cycles which is every couple of months. He's like a sex addict constantly watching it online or on television. He would say inappropriate things too, like out of the blue, "so how's your *****?", or "how's your ass?" or "show me those tit". I'm sorry, but that's just disgusting on an hourly basis whether on the phone or in the living room. It's uncomfortable and awkward and highly disrespectful.

That's not the only thing either. It's also a time to put me down for anything and everything. Everything is MY fault that happens around us, food doesn't taste good, or I "messed up" dinner again, etc. For the record, I am a gourmet cook and do not "mess up" dinners. 

The kids are in their upper teens and only one is left at home now. I cannot imagine what life would be like for me in a few years if I stayed and that child has moved on.

I think about divorce more often than ever now. He is trying to convice me that I am the problem and that ALL women like anal. I think what matters is the way it makes me feel and the health risks involved with me.

I am a smart and confident woman and this last incident has affected me emotionally. I do feel abused and to be honest frightened to get naked with him again for fear that even though it's been discussed he may attempt again. I am hoping my female OB/Gyn can guide me in the right direction as well.


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## Lostbut.... (Mar 22, 2010)

Be strong gal, you are not in the wrong on this one. Take the steps necessary to protect yourself. Hope everything runs it's course quickly.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Ella2010 said:


> Okay, so I'm not crazy, because that's how it felt to me too. I felt totally abused. He has been diagnosed as being bipolar and he took the medication for a while, then about 2 years ago he stopped. It's like hell when he cycles which is every couple of months. He's like a sex addict constantly watching it online or on television. He would say inappropriate things too, like out of the blue, "so how's your *****?", or "how's your ass?" or "show me those tit". I'm sorry, but that's just disgusting on an hourly basis whether on the phone or in the living room. It's uncomfortable and awkward and highly disrespectful.
> 
> That's not the only thing either. It's also a time to put me down for anything and everything. Everything is MY fault that happens around us, food doesn't taste good, or I "messed up" dinner again, etc. For the record, I am a gourmet cook and do not "mess up" dinners.
> 
> ...


You are not crazy. That was unequivocally an attack on you, imo.

If he was diagnosed as bipolar and is off his meds, he is not in his right mind - literally. I was diagnosed as a-typical bipolar (meaning I have periods of "normalcy" without mania or depression) when I was 15 and have been dealing with it ever since. Sex addiction (or at least a very strong focus on sex) is not at all uncommon in individuals with bipolar. In addition, his perception of the world and his senses are not in tune either. That sounds awfully weird, but it is true. When he's cycling, everything is off kilter - and his goal will be instant gratification while manic. For whatever reason, this is what he is focused on. He *needs* medication AND therapy - but you can't force him to do it as he is an adult. (Unless you're going to have him committed - which is difficult and risky...)

A couple of questions, if you don't mind? Does he self-medicate with alcohol or drugs? Can you track his cycles (mania, depression, and "normalcy"?) How long has his obsession with porn and anal been going on? Does he work? Is he a functional part of society at this point, or not?

Finally - you MUST take care of yourself - in terms of physical, emotional, and spiritual health - for you and for your children. I'm not saying to divorce him, but in some ways you have to let him hit rock bottom before he might ever be inclined to go back on medication again.


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## dlily (Mar 23, 2010)

I am so sorry for you. My husband wanted to do anal as well. I have found the only times that he did it were when he had no regard for me and I as well felt pain - crying into a pillow the whole way through. This incident IS abuse and should not be tolerated. If there is no consent you need to take legal steps to protect yourself and get out. A man should love his wife and a woman should respect her husband. I personally don't know how women can respect their husbands when they get so immersed in pornography. It is degrading and unnecessary. I again am very sorry for you and encourage you to document this with your doctor at your appointment. PROTECT YOURSELF!


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Alright, those of you who have read my posts know that I'm a guy that enjoys Anal Sex with my wife(or would like to), and in no way shape or form do I try this kind of sex with her because I disrespect her or to take advantage of her....I just think it's super sexy, hot, kinky, and all that other stuff...however if she's in pain or not enjoying it I dont enjoy it either, then I just want to stop...sounds like Your husband is not thinking about you at all, despite the pain...I mean he could've asked you nicely and at least done some foreplay and be slow and gentle(with lots of lube) but even then...if you have problems down there already and You say NO....then the answer is NO...
Not sure about divorce....when you get married you do say for better or for worse right? However I wouldn't blame anyone for leaving in this kind of situation...if you at least first try marriage counseling...with him and if he doesn't want to go..then go by yourself..still useful, you might think your not the one who needs it..but that's not the point or "who needs it" it's just trying to make the marriage work..that's the point


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## Ella2010 (Mar 23, 2010)

Thanks for the insights and replies. To answer a few questions: 

1. He is a self-employed professional, so he has a home office and is home a lot. I run the office, so there are many times we are home together. This is how he has access to the porn 24/7 if he is not out on a job.

2. Thinking back, he has had rages for as long as I can remember, and the anal thing has always been there, but nothing like now.

3. He was diagnosed as bipolar about 3 years ago after I suggested seeing a psychiatrist after a particularly bad rage where he threatened me with violence in front of our children. It was then that he was diagnosed and put on two types of medication. He said the medication made him sleepy, gain weight, and decreased his sex drive, so after about a year on them, he quit cold turkey. He does not self-medicate with drugs, cigarettes or alcohol. He has no hobbies, but he does deal with the public a lot in his profession. I feel like it's a Jekyl & Hyde kinda thing. No one would ever guess!

4. He also had an emotional/internet affair with a former co-worker about two years ago. They were online together sometimes until 2 and 3 in the morning with me in the same bed! He told her he was separated and would tell me about it like it was all just some big joke. She became infatuated, as did he, and after about 8 months of this it became somewhat physical when I went out of town. The extent of the relationship was what he told me it was which was dating and kissing, but who really knows. He stopped all communication after I found out, but it didn't change what happened, although I have never brought it up again.

5. The porno website is some live webcam site where women are on 24/7 stripping and performing sexual acts for free or for tokens. He will have this site open for hours in a day without any regard for how I feel about it. Even when our child is home he will have it open, put it to sleep when she walks by, then open it back up again. It's just nasty and degrading and it keeps him totally sexual all the time I think.

6. I am planning on discussing everything with my doctor. I need medical advice for my physical and mental well being. I am able to sit without as much pain now and had my first real bowel movement last night after almost 10 days because of the pain.

7. He has not come near me in bed, nor do I want him too. I don't trust that he won't try this again! I feel like maybe he has remorse, but will not admit it. I am emotionally and physically drained.


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## FebStars (Jun 29, 2009)

OMG my heart sank when I read "10 days" Ella! 

Take care of yourself, and be careful! If he's willing to do that to you, and not care about anyone besides himself, you need help - either someone to talk to him (psychologist,etc) or for you to leave him.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Anal sex can be a great experience when it is between two CONSENTING partners. That's the key--- you have told him it is not physically possible because of a medical condition---and he goes against your wishes and rapes you, causing you immense physical AND emotional pain. 
If he is bipolar and refusing to medicate, it is very possible that his cycles are begginning to intensify and occur more frequently. It is very common for bipolars to become sexually infatuated during their manic phase. His utter lack of regard for you is a red flag. If he is not willing to seek help, you really need to consider divorce. He is putting you thru physical, mental and verbal abuse, and the child you do have at home still will pick up on this, even if you try to shelter them from it. 
Have the incidences of violence or aggression become more frequent since he went off of the meds he was put on?


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## sound1 (Dec 3, 2009)

nothing long here my simple answer call family find a place that is safe for you and your kiddo divorce his ass hes a jerk for this and it blows my mind a hubs would pull that. Your much to kind to even consider staying it'll be a bit rough and you may feel trapped but your not ,get out. You don't want you little one growing up around that nor you living that way in fear of many of his uncontrolled actions. You or anyone will never change him hes sub-man father and hubby. This actually infuriates me to no end. Those are all his problems not yours remember that. He's got a nasty addiction "porn creep" it's a fixation an alter reality of sexual expectations, porn an internet feeds this in men so badly anymore Respect yourself it's apperant he dosnt Imo....... Very sorry for your experiance with that simply put it was rape black and white. Id consider calling in the police and filing charges to have him removed from your home asap for the safety of you and your daughter if you have dont have anywhere to go or can stand to be in the house anymore.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

I really believe the explosion in the frequency/popularity of anal sex is because of Internet porn. And this is a recent phenomenon. If you look at porn from the 70's and 80's, anal sex was not prevalent. Now porn stars like Rocco Siffredi do virtually nothing else but anal sex. 

Between two consenting adults, it's fine. But the original poster needs to DUMP her husband. That was rape!


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## Ella2010 (Mar 23, 2010)

Just came back from the doctor. She could barely examine me and gasped when I told her this was after about 10 days. She has prescribed meds for the swelling/tissue damage. She had the same advice as all of you. Make a plan and plan to leave. Medically, if any type of anal activity were to take place and I am injured (which can easily occur with my condition and he knows this), I run the risk of having a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. She did say that he definitely is suffering from a mental illness and that I needed to protect myself.

I explained that after the incident I was sleepy much of the time, did not want to go out, not wearing makeup, bathing only every other day (which is a huge shocker and out of character for me), and was finding myself changing clothes behind a locked bathroom door. She said I was suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome. I had not even thought of that.

We are still sleeping in the same bed, but of course are not having relations. Here's the next question: Do I come out and say he is free to go elsewhere for sex and we will just be roommates until I can get myself together to be on my own? It's been two weeks, I'm sure that sexually he is about to explode and this issue will need to be addressed.

As to the frequency of the aggression, it's daily. It can come in the form of a shout or interpreting a comment the wrong way, or getting overly angry with a client over the phone, or dinner, just anything can set him off. We are all walking on eggshells.

The doctor suggested I contact his old psychiatrist for an appointment of my own and to update the dr. on his behavior. That is my next step.

Financially, he holds the cards. We own our own business. It may take some time for me to walk away. I may need to go back to school if I cannot find a job, but I am sure it will take a few months. I am just not sure what to do between now and then. I am being the dutiful wife in all aspects of children and housekeeping in addition to the demands of the business. I speak in a low pitch voice and answer only those questions asked of me. I spend most of my time in another room when possible.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Do you not have family or a close friend you can stay with? Honestly hon, you staying there is a recipe for disaster. His behavior is going to escalate-- you can count on that. Regardless if you "tell him" he can go elsewhere for sex, while he MAY do that (or be doing it already)--don't fool yourself into thinking that will keep him from raping you again. It's not even about sex at this point in his mind. It's power and domination. It would be very likely that you saying you "permit" him to look elsewhere for sex will anger him to the point that he will feel the need to prove his dominance over you again. If that situation is to occur again, you need to immediately call the police...don't clean up, get yourself in order, etc. Call the police immediately and have him taken away. There is likely a CASA worker in your Juvenile and Domestic Relations court that can advocate for you and explain the procedures to you at this point. IF it gets to this---IF you stay and he does it again you have to call the police, and you have to get a TRO so that he cannot come near you. Whether you want to hear it or not, you ARE in an abusive relationship, he is a diagnosed bipolar who is unmedicated and he is simply put, a ticking time bomb.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

dlily said:


> I am so sorry for you. My husband wanted to do anal as well. I have found the only times that he did it were when he had no regard for me and I as well felt pain - crying into a pillow the whole way through. This incident IS abuse and should not be tolerated. If there is no consent you need to take legal steps to protect yourself and get out. A man should love his wife and a woman should respect her husband. I personally don't know how women can respect their husbands when they get so immersed in pornography. It is degrading and unnecessary. I again am very sorry for you and encourage you to document this with your doctor at your appointment. PROTECT YOURSELF!



A man should both love _and_ respect his wife. If he doesn't respect her, she has no duty to respect him. Goes both ways.

OP, this really _is_ abuse. Please get some help.


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