# Wife of twenty years has new man



## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I started this thread in General Discussion and was advised to move it to Dealing with Infidelity. My wife and I have been married for twenty years. I am ten years older than she is. We have a nineteen year old daughter. Last summer we went on our first vacation without kids and had the time of our lives. We have been each other world. I would have never guessed she was having an affair right under my none. This year two weeks before Christmas I found out she was planning to move out of the house. When I confronted her about her plans she said she needed six months to find herself. Within a week I found out she was having an affair with a younger man. When I confronted her she denied everything but I had proof. She then told me it was all my fault I had driven her into the arms of another man. I have faults and I have been in counseling but I would have never cheated on her for any reason. Now she is calling me every day, no remorse, no apologies, like all of this never happened. I love her with all my heart but I do not understand how I am to forget all this. My councilor said she feel there is little hope we will be able to work this out without her showing remorse. I now feel like I am a second choice because her new man is out of her life. This man has broken up 8 or 9 marriages that I know of. She is a very intelligent woman, she knew what he was like. I filed for a d within a couple of days of her leaving. I thought my filing would shock her into rational thought. I was wrong about that call. I want her back in my heart but my head is saying no way what do I do next.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Think with your brain, not with your heart.

She wants to have a 6 month sabbatical from the marriage to "find herself with the OM (other man)" is what she wants, then come back and say, "sorry, I really messed up, take me back, you're my plan E, gee thanks, you're so loving and kind, now lets see if I can continue covertly screwing around"

Try this to ease your mind and retrain your judgement on your actions/decisions.

The Healing Heart: The 180


expose to everyone you know, fb, email, family, her family, friends etc, she's off in fantasy land, the younger man is only using her, show that you are moving along and you do not need her, stay strong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What faults did she claim you had? What faults did you really have?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If you wife felt the need to be with another man, give her a permanent sabbatical from the marriage not a temporary break. Why the hell would you want to be with her anyway after what she did to you. Preserve your self respect and tell her to get the hell out. And expose this to everyone you know, so they understand what she has become.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Gonna be a bit harsh. Here goes....

Of all the nerve. She blames you, and offers no apology. She knew his reputation - but guess what? His reputation was an asset not a liability. She wanted what all the other "cool" women wanted. 

You know why she treats you like an old pair of shoes? 

Because she thinks you have no value as a lover. She had no fear of you leaving. She has assessed your worthiness and has determined she is your only option. Whereas she, by virtrue of her youth and awesomeness has several. That's her deluded, entitled, and addled mind at work. 

But even if all of that were so, you would expect her to have some compassion for your feelings. 

She lacks compassion, integrity, honor, faithfulness, and loyalty. Why in the world would you ever want her in your life again? Would you cousel and encourage your daughter to embrace and welcome a man into her life that had/lacked those same qualities?

Show some self-respect. Examine the moral values you hold dear and see if those values are compatible with the woman you want to welcome back with open arms. She is not ready to come back - not as a spouse. 

Move on. Let her live her life as the single she wanted to be. One last thought. There very likely is a recent female friend that has also entered her life and is cheering her on from the sidlines. Find out who she is. As long as she's there, your stbxw will remain aloof.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> This man has broken up 8 or 9 marriages that I know of. She is a very intelligent woman, she knew what he was like.


This is why she has no remorse. She knew what she was doing and doesn't care about your feeling. She probably knows you love her with "all your heart" and expects you to forgive and forget.

She doesn't respect you or the marriage. Her *ACTIONS* have already told you this. Do you respect yourself enough to divorce and move on? There are too many other women in this world who will treat you better then this.

(IMHO with this situation) Older men/women who date younger men/women seem to put up with alot more Bull$%it to keep the relationship because they fear they can't find anyone better. A manipulative younger partner who picks up on this will push the boundaries in the relationship without fear of repercussions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And what consequences has the OM faced?

Did you name him in the D?

Did you post him on cheaterville.com?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let me see... she was the super smart clever woman who would be able to tame the wild, bad boy and live happily ever after, blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Arked

WHat do you do?

You move on. You divorce her. You detach from her as best you can while still coparenting your 19 year old.

Your wife made a very poor decision. She has lied, cheated and shown no remorse whatsoever.

And yes, you are right. You are her 2nd choice.

So move on. Let her go.

You will not be alone for long.

Everyone has issues. Yours did not drive her away. Yours did not make her lie. Yours did not make her cheat. Yours did not make her remorseless.

Her issues did that.

Focus on you.

HM64


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

arked said:


> I started this thread in General Discussion and was advised to move it to Dealing with Infidelity. My wife and I have been married for twenty years. I am ten years older than she is. We have a nineteen year old daughter. Last summer we went on our first vacation without kids and had the time of our lives. We have been each other world. I would have never guessed she was having an affair right under my none. This year two weeks before Christmas I found out she was planning to move out of the house. When I confronted her about her plans she said she needed six months to find herself. Within a week I found out she was having an affair with a younger man. When I confronted her she denied everything but I had proof. She then told me it was all my fault I had driven her into the arms of another man. I have faults and I have been in counseling but I would have never cheated on her for any reason. *Now she is calling me every day*, no remorse, no apologies, like all of this never happened. I love her with all my heart but I do not understand how I am to forget all this. My councilor said she feel there is little hope we will be able to work this out without her showing remorse. I now feel like I am a second choice because her new man is out of her life. This man has broken up 8 or 9 marriages that I know of. She is a very intelligent woman, she knew what he was like. I filed for a d within a couple of days of her leaving. I thought my filing would shock her into rational thought. I was wrong about that call. I want her back in my heart but my head is saying no way what do I do next.


Where is she living?

What does she say when she calls?

*Have you considered not taking her calls until she apologizes?*

Why did the other man dump her? Did she start trying to get back with you the minute he dumped her?

Where is other man now? If he gave her a call, would she leave you for him in a second?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Yeah. If you took her back without her giving up all her power to you by submitting to you and showing the utmost remorse then you will not be successful reconciling.

In fact she will probably start cheating on you again but this time maybe not to leave you but to sow her wild oats while you support her lifestyle and give her emotional support. That will not work for you Im guessing..

Keep up with the Divorce and reduce your contact with her to a MINIMUM. No drawn out conversations. Don't tell her how you are or what you are doing. This will make her respect you more and provide her the consequences she needs.

If you're up for it.. try going out on a casual date.. let her hear the news someone.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You're 54 and she's 44. I've got a number of physique clients ranging from 62-71 with wives and GFs between 22 and 34 years younger. You go out, put on some muscle, and do the same.

Now, is your wife trying to get back with you?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I would also think very hard about what I could do to provide consequences for this dirtbag other man.

Cheaterville, dog**** in his face and a tazer for self-defence... get creative.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Divorce her

She takes no responsibility,after she cheated.
She denied it until you showed her proof.
If you never had an idea, she probably would still
be cheating.
There's also a chance its not her first affair.
Your daughter is in adult age so you can have 
a pretty clean break,from your cheating wife.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> You're 54 and she's 44. I've got a number of physique clients ranging from 62-71 with wives and GFs between 22 and 34 years younger. You go out, put on some muscle, and do the same.
> 
> Now, is your wife trying to get back with you?


He's right it works I'm 45 have 27 yr old gf, though I'm casually eh shopping?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Do not take her back. Let her get the taste of what she's done, once the younger man finishes with her. How long is he gonna be interested in an older, divorced woman...He broke up 8-9 marriages? Omg. Nobody took care of this guy yet?  
Stay strong, Arked. Keep closely in touch with your daughter and everyone that can give you moral support through this ordeal. And maybe even find yourself a younger woman, at least for show, to make your ex-wife eat her heart out. So sorry you're here.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

I just got to say, I'm amazed by everyones willingness to support and help ther fellow Man/Woman here on this forum. 15 replies in 2 hours.

As for you arked:

Think with your head. It is your head that will have to come to grips with things for you to have a successfull R. Your head must be in it. Otherwize nothing will end nice. If you decide to try R let her realy work for it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's hard but actually very simple. You can't reconcile with out remorse. No way. You can, maybe, forgive those who repent, but never those you gives sh1t about the damage caused.
If she ever asks for R tell her she had a chance to right her wrongs but sh!tted on that chance. She's doing exactly the opposite of what it takes so you are moving on to find something worth of your love, respect and attention.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

TOMTEFAR said:


> I just got to say, I'm amazed by everyones willingness to support and help ther fellow Man/Woman here on this forum. 15 replies in 2 hours.
> 
> As for you arked:
> 
> Think with your head. It is your head that will have to come to grips with things for you to have a successfull R. Your head must be in it. Otherwize nothing will end nice. If you decide to try R let her realy work for it.


I have to agree this is the place to get solid advice. No it's up to him to use it and get his life back on track.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Wow, your story sounds just like mine. 

You have done the right thing in filing for divorce, now let everyone know what a lying cheating wh0re your wife is. EVERYONE, friends, family, the postman, the paperboy, the neighbors, everyone. Do it now and maybe it will help, probably not, but you never know.

Get in shape, leave this woman, let her find out what being a cheating spouse really does to your love life.

My wife is only now realizing what she has done to her family and our marriage. We are in to it 7 months now. But still shows no remorse or want to get back together. Fine by me, I have moved on myself.

You have got a long way to go brother, best to cut ties now. Just be glad you won't have to pay child support for long, if at all.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I know the right thing to do is to divorce her and move on. I also know that love does not just die overnight. I don't think it is irresponsible to have doubts and fears about the future. Uncertain is a word that comes to my mind when I think about where I am in life at 55. Never thought this would happen to me. Looking to the future is what scares me the most. I am dealing with my wife leaving with another man, my daughter moving cross country, my 85 year old father who is dieing with Alzheimer and with my 80 year mother's grief and guilt for my dad . I know all this sounds like a sob story but believe me I am living in the middle of this Twilight Zone. I sometimes wonder if this is all is not just a very bad dream and I will wake up and everything will be different. I plan just to tell my soon to be x I am not interested in talking to her about getting back together.

Thanks to each and everyone of you who took the time to give help and advise I had no ideal there was help like this out there. I had a hard time talking to friends about where I am in life because non of my friends have anything like this going on. But there are people with experience here, I know it is not a good thing to end up here but it seem to me I am among friends who understand were I am. Thanks again for all the help.


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