# never been so hurt in my life



## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

My dh and I recently went through a short separation. Things were pretty rough for us and he moved out. Mostly it was my trust issues with him and him having EA's that drove us apart and our arguing. We decided to R, took a road trip with the kids, things weren't perfect but I was trying my hardest. I really took to heart the issues he expressed about our marriage, and was doing my very best to work on the things I could. 

Fast forward to tonight, we were arguing, he expressed the things again that bothered him, and I the same. I told him that I knew of some EA's he was having during our 3 week separation. He told me that he had a PA and I broke down and cried. I guess stupid me, I had faith that he wouldn't do that. He wasn't apologetic, in fact during my crying episode he told me that he hated me and that I drove him to do this. He said he wasn't proud of it but he didn't care about how it hurt me. 

My world is crushed, I am alone, and I don't understand this. He has packed and is moving out again, and I am the bad guy. I don't understand how he isn't sorry, and after informing me that he did have a PA that he could look at me as I am crying and say that he hates me. 

I appreciate you TAM folks for reading this, support and advice appreciated. I am hurting so bad right now and really could use it.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

His decision to cheat is not your fault. Dont rugsweep, he needs to be remorseful and maybe use the 180 to try and get the message across of how serious a crime against marriage cheating is. It changes it forever and must therefore be a different man and take it upon himself to admit error and not blame shift, minimize, justify, sugar coat or gaslight. Transparency
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

I wish he would have been remorseful, but telling me he hates me is like pouring salt on the wound. I am going back to the 180 and hopefully it helps, though I don't see our marriage being put back together after this. It literally makes me want to throw up.


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## fyrefox (Aug 15, 2012)

he's a jerk. if he really thinks that you drove him to sleep with someone, he's a tool. you deserve better. keep your head up, you'll get through this and you'll end up better on the other side.


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## Feeling_bad (Aug 18, 2012)

Wow, that is heartless. How long have you been married? Not sure you'd want a guy like that around as a father figure to your kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gosh. How has he become Mr Brutal?

Do you know why he says he hates you? Does he have a reason? Or is he projecting on to you the hatred he should be feeling for himself?


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

It started out as EA's and of course the lying that goes with it on his part, which in turn made it hard for me to trust him, every time I would confront him when I found out about his EA's he would in turn resent me I suppose, saying that he is tired of me snooping through his emails ect. I have had no trust for him and he hates me for that. I don't know how to be any other way since I cannot trust him. So he says that my mistrust for him makes him want to have a PA.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

I am so sorry. He is a horrible guy and you are better without him. It isn't your fault, but if you keep letting him walk all over you, you will continue to hurt and keep blaming yourself. You said he mentioned the thing "you" needed to work on... Don't let him shift the blame, this is all on him. Get away.... There are good men out there. 

I love you user name by the way.... They are and focus on them!!!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Hes a vindictive bully and if anyone ever did something like that to a female friend of mine I'd kick his ass.

He WANTED to hurt you. Hes taking his problem and putting them on your shoulders and enjoying it. He has no respect for you and this is very narcissistic behavior that is unacceptable in any marriage 

Do not just separate, divorce. Life is too short to remain married to a man who thinks its' right to treat his significant other like sh!t. 

Married couples can get into arguments, and say things that hurt the other spouse(like confessing to an affair and showing remorse), but there is no reason, explanation, or excuse in this world to say something for the sole purpose of causing your spouse pain. 

Please take steps to divorce. He is not marriage material in the slightest. He is a selfish prick who only takes and takes while giving nothing. These men are the worst people for women to be in relationships with.

I've seen these relationships time and time again with the other partner gaunt faced and haunted eyed 24/7 from having to put up with and bear the emotional pain given by their abusive and immature husband/wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he hates you becaues you are "normal" and cannot trust someone who lies and cheats. He hates you because you caught him over and over.

I think he says that he hates you because when you point out to him what he is doing wrong, or you cry, you do make him feel bad about himself. It reminds him that he's been a scum bag. And that is hard for him to live with.

So he left so that he can be a scum bag and not have to face you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> It started out as EA's and of course the lying that goes with it on his part, which in turn made it hard for me to trust him, every time I would confront him when I found out about his EA's he would in turn resent me I suppose, saying that he is tired of me snooping through his emails ect. I have had no trust for him and he hates me for that. I don't know how to be any other way since I cannot trust him. So he says that my mistrust for him makes him want to have a PA.


Blameshifting, gaslight, another script follower, sadly.

What do you want to happen, now?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Hes a vindictive bully and if anyone ever did something like that to a female friend of mine I'd kick his ass.
> 
> He WANTED to hurt you. Hes taking his problem and putting them on your shoulders and enjoying it. He has no respect for you and this is very narcissistic behavior that is unacceptable in any marriage
> 
> ...


He is being abusive and does deserve a severe a**kicking.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Hes a vindictive bully and if anyone ever did something like that to a female friend of mine I'd kick his ass.
> 
> He WANTED to hurt you. Hes taking his problem and putting them on your shoulders and enjoying it. He has no respect for you and this is very narcissistic behavior that is unacceptable in any marriage
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

move on that is all you can do. Its the past make it the past and move on

life will get better. Think of it like this you no longer have to live in a relationship which is not true this man does not treat a marriage like it should be. 

best of luck


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

To be honest, I am glad that everyone is helping me even more in seeing him for what he is. The thought him touching me makes my skin crawl, I know there are people that have R even after infidelity, but in my mind a person that loves you wouldn't do that to you. Maybe that is simplistic thinking, but I couldn't do it my H, even now I wouldn't. I suppose the part that confuses me is that he told me that he hated me after he confessed. Wasn't the confession enough? But yes I do see he was trying to hurt me and he succeeded. It is a shame that a person has to go to that level to hurt another. 

What I want now........ divorce and the fact that I have peace of mind that I did what I could to save my marriage and this was the counteract. The 180 is back in effect and D is coming soon. I am trying to stay strong now, though I hope I can continue to be throughout this process. A part of me wishes he would show some regret, though I suppose it is irrelevant at this point. Would remorse even change the way I feel? H*** NO!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Kasler approves (+10)


Even if he would show remorse it would just be to get you back under his thumb, not because he'd truly be remorseful.

Hes an abuser. Abusers love to put down and cause their spouses pain because it empowers their ego and what they think they have is the 'upperhand' in the marriage.(abusers hate losing and always have to have the last word, tell me if this is true for him)

This is gonna be hard, but stay the course. From what I'm reading he is displaying very narcissistic behavior and narcissist don't like to give up whatever they think is theirs so hes very likely going be coming past trying to rope you back into the marriage. 

Keep up 180 and have the prick served.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am sorry that you are going through this. He is not remorseful, he keeps back sliding. I am thinking it is time for you to lawyer up and get things started. I know that is not what you want but this is not looking good.

Get back to IC for yourself right away. I know this is an assumption but since you were trying to work things out did you sex with your WS? Get back to the Doctor and get yourself checked for STD's

Keep your self healty for your kids. You are going to need to be there for them as well. This is going to be tramatic for you and them.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I agree with the others about narcissistic behaviour, take it from me, my STBXH is one, sounds just like him. Youy wll never get an apology, he is lining up new supply whilst devaluing and discarding you in the cruelest way. Mine did it to. They will show no remorse as they are never wrong.
As you have kids, please read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Buy it and read it now. He won't change and it's not about you. They are evil, and you need to protect yourself.
I'm here to help, as I'm going through it, it's tough with someone with NPD, look it up and see if he fits the descriptions, also look up narcissitic abuse, a lot may fall into place.
The only way forward is to have as little contact with him as possible, except about the kids. He will likely try and use them to hurt you. 
1. Find a lawyer, and find one who has dealt with cases of personality disorder. 2. Secure your finances right now. 3. Keep a record of the abuse 4. See a therapist


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> I wish he would have been remorseful, but telling me he hates me is like pouring salt on the wound. I am going back to the 180 and hopefully it helps, though I don't see our marriage being put back together after this. It literally makes me want to throw up.


If he told you this $%#$ R, (&&( separation kick his but to the curb and take him for everything he is worth. You should show him how much more he is going to hate you as an Ex wife.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

Update: I am doing great in the day time, I can get through the day and be seemingly happy. But when my head hits the pillow I break down and cry, all the bad thoughts going through my head of what my H did. Yesterday I sat around in my PJ's all day, I have no motivation to do anything with myself. 

I still feel like I deserve an apology at the very least. My H and I aren't speaking at all. I know I shouldn't hold my breath for an apology. But hey we all can dream right? I am not going to contact him for any reason at all. 

Any tips on things that I could be doing to make this situation better for myself? I know all of us have went through the pain and depression, I take good care of my babies, though I feel like I have nothing left for myself. 

What did you do to push yourself out of this? Does it only come with time? The pain he has put me through is all I can think about. I don't want to think about it but I can't pull myself away. 

Sorry if I am sounding pathetic, this is just how I feel right now.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Did you look into npd and narcissitic abuse? If it fits with your h's 'personality', it will go a long way to helping you heal, it did me. Of course, he may not be this, and could just be a selfish jerk in a strong affair fog, but it's worth doing because IF he is, get that book and protect yourself and your kids NOW.
If he is in an affair fog, read up on that, too, as many BS have found the person they married to change so fundamentally it is baffling. They are drug addicts with a one track mind and become almost intolerably cruel and selfish in many cases.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> Update: I am doing great in the day time, I can get through the day and be seemingly happy. But when my head hits the pillow I break down and cry, all the bad thoughts going through my head of what my H did. Yesterday I sat around in my PJ's all day, I have no motivation to do anything with myself.
> 
> I still feel like I deserve an apology at the very least. My H and I aren't speaking at all. I know I shouldn't hold my breath for an apology. But hey we all can dream right? I am not going to contact him for any reason at all.
> 
> ...


Have you thought about seeing a doctor for depression treatment? If you are entering a depression, it could get real bad & you won't even be able to take good care of your children (been there myself). Just an idea to help you.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

I have read an article on the NPD and it does sound like my husband but he also was diagnosed with PTSD and I with an autoimmune disease that has always made me tired, irritable, mood swings, anxiety and depression. I realize that neither of us have been supportive of each other's conditions. I know that it had a part in us arguing. 

I don't even think that he knows any information on my condition and I don't think he understands what I am going through. I have articles I would like him to read that I think would help him understand, but I don't feel as though it is appropriate to send them at this point. I think that it would make me look like a weak person. I have read up on ptsd, though he hasn't wanted to talk about what bothers him, which is understandable, and I do push put him. But when he has withdrawn from me in the past, it absolutely eats me up inside. Sometimes I did find it hard to leave him alone. 

I have a dr's appointment again to help with my condition, but it seems as though it has been a long and painful process for me. A lot of monitoring in I am worn out on most days anyway. I am filing for D, and I think that talking about this with each other is irrelevant at this point, especially after the PA and us not speaking.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

If he is a narc he will not care to understand. Trust me, he will not give a damn if you are ill. 
It could be the ptsd that is making him this way, it is a disorder so people act odd and differently. It is a major life changer. Is he in therapy?
Yes talking about it together will be irrelevant, and never say you think he is a narcissist! It's about YOU and you understanding what he may do, and why he may do it. In a divorce he can and probably will act badly, this is about protecting you and your kids.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

he was in therapy but hasn't went in over a year, and he blames me for that too, because I wasn't supportive enough apparently. I wouldn't tell him he is a narcissist. He probably wouldn't know what it means anyway......


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> he was in therapy but hasn't went in over a year, and he blames me for that too, because I wasn't supportive enough apparently. I wouldn't tell him he is a narcissist. He probably wouldn't know what it means anyway......


I told my H that he was a narcissist. He wanted to know how to spell it so he could look it up since he didn't know what it meant either. He doesn't believe he is a narcissist, mainly because he* IS* a narcissist. Imagine that!

:rofl:


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Mine said the same thing about his therapy, I didn't support him (news to me, I booked his stupid DJ classes for him) and he also said I needed therapy too. He was right about that - living with him was a nightmare. The blame/projection thing sounds highly narcissistic, I am blamed for everything, including making him get married, making him buy an apartment????!!!! Seems they have the same script, buy that book and protect yourself, please, before he ruins your life even more.
To recap: secure your finances as much as you can
Get a lawyer who has dealt with high conflict and PD cases
Keep a note of what he says and does and date it all
Realise you will need to show patterns of behaviour from him.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

When he saw how hurt you were, it fuelled his guilt. That's why he turned the blame on you..to justify what he did. It makes him feel better. He left after to justify it even more. 

He cheated. Let him stew in his own thoughts for a while. Don't let him try to make you feel like it's because of you he cheated.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

survivorwife that is too funny! Really brightened my day!

bentley'smom I will definitely find that book! Thank you for the advice, I hope at least the WS realizes what they screwed up, yet again they are narcissists, so that's our fault too!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> To be honest, I am glad that everyone is helping me even more in seeing him for what he is. The thought him touching me makes my skin crawl, I know there are people that have R even after infidelity, but in my mind a person that loves you wouldn't do that to you. Maybe that is simplistic thinking, but I couldn't do it my H, even now I wouldn't. I suppose the part that confuses me is that he told me that he hated me after he confessed. Wasn't the confession enough? But yes I do see he was trying to hurt me and he succeeded. It is a shame that a person has to go to that level to hurt another.
> 
> What I want now........ divorce and the fact that I have peace of mind that I did what I could to save my marriage and this was the counteract. The 180 is back in effect and D is coming soon. I am trying to stay strong now, though I hope I can continue to be throughout this process. A part of me wishes he would show some regret, though I suppose it is irrelevant at this point. Would remorse even change the way I feel? H*** NO!



Wow that is a first - I could have written that post! Every sentiment reflects exactly my wife's attitude to it all and lots of it word for word too - scary

I can hardly believe that is such an accurate a copy of my situation. Remarkable. 



mykidsaremyworld said:


> ..... cry, all the bad thoughts going through my head of what my H did. Yesterday I sat around in my PJ's all day, I have no motivation to do anything with myself.
> 
> I still feel like I deserve an apology at the very least. My H and I aren't speaking at all. I know I shouldn't hold my breath for an apology. But hey we all can dream right? I am not going to contact him for any reason at all.
> 
> ...


You're not pathetic just in what I call the 'eye of the infidelity hurricane.' Time will release some stuff for you. Mine is only 4 months and although my rage is huge in spasms, generally I can feel motivation returning slowly etc.

You may get the apology but it won't be the all compassing unconditional one that you deserve it will always have some smattering of justification on the the end of it. 

You're well rid


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

You are exactly right! I know I won't get the apology that I deserve! If I ever do get one! I am sorry you have to go through the same situation. I wish I could fast forward now and be in a much more peaceful place in my life

AND I would be lying if I didn't say that since he can't show remorse I hope his guilt eats him alive.... probably shouldn't have said that huh? oh well.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

I had to share.... My H & I haven't spoke since he confessed. I talk a lot on facebook to my friends ect. My H isn't my friend or anything, he cannot see any of my info or posts. Yet he friend requested me today. How ridiculous! That's the best you can do? No apology still. 

All I can say is WOW!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

It's a control tactic. He can't face what he's done, and is still doing it behind your back, but he still feels entitled to make you feel like you're still his and he wants to be updated on what you are doing so he can have peace of mind.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

He just stormed in tonight in the middle of the night, screaming at me to wake me up because apparently I spent too much money to his standards from the joint account. So he took the card from me and left. Now I am completely screwed. I just cannot take this anymore. I don't get why he does everything in his power to hurt me.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> Update: I am doing great in the day time, I can get through the day and be seemingly happy. But when my head hits the pillow I break down and cry, all the bad thoughts going through my head of what my H did. Yesterday I sat around in my PJ's all day, I have no motivation to do anything with myself.
> 
> I still feel like I deserve an apology at the very least. My H and I aren't speaking at all. I know I shouldn't hold my breath for an apology. But hey we all can dream right? I am not going to contact him for any reason at all.
> 
> ...


Actually an apology from him would be an insult. I have yet to read through all the post... I am sure someone will get to it soon: Get a lawyer... wow, this goes beyond the pale. 

I was the WH who had an EA... when I awoke from my fog and had to reveal everything and I mean everything (selfish me I deleted somethings, but I verbally told my wonderful wife as much as I could remember) to her, I had to puke my guts out before and after my confession... I was so stupid and I am forever indebted to my wife. I cannot imagine an attitude of this nature. This is how your H should have been, if not... you need to distance yourself physically as far as you can. Just make sure you get a SOB lawyer and make him pay.

Please take care... I really hope the best for you. You are better than him, you have no reason to cry.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> He just stormed in tonight in the middle of the night, screaming at me to wake me up because apparently I spent too much money to his standards from the joint account. So he took the card from me and left. Now I am completely screwed. I just cannot take this anymore. I don't get why he does everything in his power to hurt me.


Gee I wonder how much he spent on his f*%$^#@ EAs and PAs.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

drerio - the same thought came to my mind

I hate that he tries to break me down to a lesser person, that's what it feels like to me. But maybe that is how he feels about himself. It seems to me like he is just getting desperate. 

I did tell him again that his cheating really hurt me, he still says that I drove him to do it and that we are over now so it doesn't matter anymore. Where did the adult in him go?

Ugh now I cannot sleep because I am on edge from him waking me up yelling. He could have very well got the card out of my purse himself without even waking me up. I am so frustrated and tired from all this.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Its not gonna get better, and he ain't gonna change

Either you put up with it or leave, only choices at this point to be honest.

Something got away from her narcissistic sounding husband just recently. Guy drives 8 hours to her parents house announced, sits on the porch and won't leave, and when the cops show up he lie right in his face about why hes there. 

They're not stable people and they're not good marriage partners.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I'm with you on the blame shifting OP

It kind of goes ' why are you so bloody upset ? Its your fault after all. You're disgusting when you lose control like that. No wonder I looked for something else. Now, why can't you just be civilised, people do this all the time. Why do YOU have to make it so difficult for me ? So I'm going to leave because you MADE me leave, not because I want to because its all your fault'

And blah blah blah ad infinitum


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> He just stormed in tonight in the middle of the night, screaming at me to wake me up because apparently I spent too much money to his standards from the joint account. So he took the card from me and left. Now I am completely screwed. I just cannot take this anymore. I don't get why he does everything in his power to hurt me.


You might have to go to a lawyer now. Your H is taking control of your life, but doesn't want to be in it, and wants to play games.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Agree!!! I'm getting rid of my narcissist and I feel better than in ages being away from him. No contact except about divorce and kids and get a lawyer asap. Please do this, you will feel better. Don't try and rationalise his behaviour, you can't and you won't ever change him. Don't let him control you, know he will be nasty and try and play games. Knowing what he is and what he is likely to do is the best defense.
I was so messed up, a guy was being nice to me and I'm all over the place! They mess with your head after years of abuse.

About the card and bank accounts - finances are another way of controlling. In a divorce he must maintain the status quo. Mine froze my credit cxard until my lawyer was cc'ed on an e-mail I sent and he stopped that game. He cancelled the dog's pet insurance, he wanted me to tell him of any transaction over $200, every meal out I had was a 'dinner date' All about control, and a good lawyer will hopeful put a stop to his antics.


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