# Making an effort with sex. How often?



## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

Real quick question without too much background. This is pretty much aimed at low drive women and how often the sex issue can be raised.

My wife is effectively zero drive and has thousands of excuses listed just in case I ask. Recently I haven't bothered making any effort regarding sex, it's just to freaking hard and I know the answer before I go there.

I'm going to give this relationship one more effort before it is cast aside. I know I'm meeting the household demands and keeping up my bit as a husband with cooking cleaning and that kind of stuff and I dedicate a reasonable amount of effort to wooing my wife (yes, the effort has been decreasing)

Anyway, how often is appropriate to make an effort in regard to sex. At the moment fortnightly is too much, but things need to be ramped up. Is an effort once a day (perhaps 4-5 times a week) too much. I'm talking instigating ANY foreplay, kissing, touching ANYTHING.

Our current relationship extends beyond a quick kiss probably 1-2 times a month right when she ovulates.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Trying to reduce your needs to a level she can accomodate is not a recipe for happiness. You have to decide the level of sex and affecton that you require, and invite her to meet that.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I think an appropriate effort level would be somewhere in the middle of both your drives as to not build resentment and support the marriage.

In my case low sex caused our major issue in our marriage so as we go through this two year recovery process i made my desires CLEAR to my wife so she can choose to stay or go. I wanted to avoid the situation that caused our biggest impasse. I regained control of our sex life. She was lousy at the job.

I set some boundaries... I told my wife that i will only approach her for sex when i have a definite desire as she has a lower drive and needs sleep due to her early start job. I took all that into account. I told her sometimes I just need closeness in between... massages, footrubs, kissing , snuggling, spooning etc. that won't always lead to sex.


I told her when we have sex it is important for have her to be totally into it and willing to experiment, have variety, willing to do in different rooms and freely discuss fantasies and fulfill some of them.

I also told her that i would likely approach her for sex usually 2 to 3+ times per month with an occasional once a month minimum. Never less than monthly... never and mostly more.

I told her that all her rejections have to be reserved for true sickness or true extreme tiredness. That it was an undeniable implicit to our marriage vow of love. I told her if any of this seemed crazy she is FREE TO LEAVE ME. Guess what she is happier and hasn't left.

I will be having a lot more AND better sex with my wife from now on.

Its a win/win

So for me that works for others that's way too low. Whatever works but your spouse needs to know what you desire. Its her choice whether to satisfy that. Make it fair and win/win to be sustainable.

Sex is the connection I think both spouses need to realize that a certain mutual level needs to be shared.. no matter what else is going on.

I prefer twice a week.. she prefers monthly (when she isn't disconnected) so for us 2.5 times per month average was a happy middle. Considering most of our marriage was 12-15 times per year this is quite a bit better for me. I'm very happy. 

She gets the better man that developed over two years of recovery.

Good Luck.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Check out marriedmansexlife.com and order the book. It may help.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Go read this. 

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Then contemplate whether what you think you have been doing to meet your wife's needs are really what she has needed.

You may want to spend some time on the marriagebuilders.com site (where the article I posted comes from) and consider working through the worksheets/questionnaires together in order to find out the things you each do that 'turn off' the other (your 'love busters') and the things that you each need (your 'emotional needs').

Best wishes.


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

I'm not willing to bend to her way of thinking that "once or twice a month is normal". It's not normal, it sheets me to tears. I would rather be alone.

I've been an active reader of Married Max Sex Life for well over 12 months and have the book saved on my desktop for quick reference. I've done the MAP and am approaching ultimatum time. I have a preference to be with my wife, but not at all costs.

As for marriage builders and other assorted questionnaires and reading material, I have a quickly expanding library of help books I've digested that my wife has thoroughly ignored. I've seen 5 different professionals from full blown psychologists to a 35 year veteran of men's counseling. It's done nothing but to convince me I'm being reasonable and normal and she is not.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Hubby01 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I'm not willing to bend to her way of thinking that "once or twice a month is normal". It's not normal, it sheets me to tears. I would rather be alone.
> 
> ...



Be careful with that thinking... there is no "normal" and sex statistics are often exaggerated.

Wife's will reject further if you start spouting off statistics and making them have a sense that you feel they are abnormal. How would you feel? Think about it... would it be effective?

That is a recipe for failure.

Rather figure out what you need and attempt to eventually meet somewhere in the middle. After all it's a partnership between you and your wife and no one else. State it in terms of your desires and that you want a 100% WIN/WIN scenario. 

Her drive may be completely normal for her... you may never change that. Only she can. She can decide to allow sex anytime she puts her mind to it regardless of her "drive" you need to get her to wrap her mind around what is the optimum level as a mutual partnership for the best interests of the marriage.

Work on finding out what women need in terms of sex... the physical act is WAY down on their list. That is a guy thing. It's all in their minds. Work on that aspect and she may decide to attack you for sex. The more connected she feels the more powerful her orgasm and the more sex she wants. It is not physical for women... learn how to emotionally connect with her.

Take the approach of pulling her towards you it's more effective.
I'd like sex everyday as that's well within normal for me...that would be a burden on my wife so I will be happy with 2-3 times a month every month. Win/win... she has less resentment than if I forced her into multiple times weekly. It's not all about sex. It's about mutual happiness and satisfying the other needs without regard to your own.

Stop trying to change your wife.. stop looking for a quick fix. Look in the mirror first and change yourself so she'll want to change herself.

Experts is you trying to find a fix. You need to look in the mirror then find out what you are not fulfilling in your wife need wise. It's you and your attitude. Become a man she wants to have sex with. Quit building a wall between you and her... start breaking it down.

Turn the temperature way down for a while until you both find a balance.
You will both be happier and yes you will get more sex! Over time.

Or give up... but they are all the same. Learn what women need and supply that to get what you need.
Your wife is not broken, you just haven't found a way to make her want sex with you more. Work on that.

Be happy and be upbeat always around her...stop talking and start doing. Be consistent. Keep your eye on the prize.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

H1,
Either you are a high priority to her or not. If you aren't then you don't matter and your needs don't matter.




Hubby01 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I'm not willing to bend to her way of thinking that "once or twice a month is normal". It's not normal, it sheets me to tears. I would rather be alone.
> 
> ...


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

sharing

You can get her over the counter Sex Essentials at a health food store for her desire besides finding out what emotional issues are there. 
In the meantime it is vital that women have nonsexual touch and discussion of sex between times and before and during and after of some sort. 

Thoughts? 

Judith


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