# Did/Do you not want children?



## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Just looking for different experiences regarding couples who decided they would not have children and one person changed their mind. 

What happened in your relationship? Did you agree to have a child for the other person? Did you refuse and break up or work through it? Of course no one is going to say they don't love their child, but did you regret it for a while during the pregnancy?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Neither my husband nor I wanted children.

So, it was pretty devastating to us both when we found out I was pregnant, despite using birth control.

He actually threatened to leave me if I didn't have an abortion, so I told him to kick rocks.

I hated my pregnancy. It was the most uncomfortable feeling. I spent a lot of days regretting and resenting it, especially since my husband wasn't very nice or supportive.

He stayed and we now have a gorgeous baby girl, and even though it's been really rough on us, we both enjoy her a great deal. 

So, I guess in a way, I did change my mind... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Yin, I am glad you both worked it out, abortion is not something you can really say you would do unless you are in the situation.

I believe in setting up expectations in the dating stages about things like kids. I said I did not want them, have for over ten years now, but I went into our relationship knowing that I could change my mind. Life is not really black and white, despite what we may think when we are younger.

I still haven't changed my mind. My husband is very easy going, and has said he an either take them or leave them basically. Its my fear that some day he might change his mind and want them and I won't, petrifies me. Or that he will resent me later in life for not having them. 

I guess I have been thinking about it a lot as one of our long term couple friends broke up within the past year. They had always both said they did not want kids. Well turns out they broke up because he had a one night stand, which resulted in a child and she found out... He advised after the fact that "I had always wanted children, but she didn't, so what was I supposed to say?". Um... how about you want children?


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Friends of ours swore they would never have kids, but the girl was on antibiotics and did not know that antibiotics negate the pill, so she got pregnant. Not only did they go through with the pregnancy, they ended up having another one. Definitely a strange change of heart, but they're happy...


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

I think a lot of people don't want kids because they don't want to put someone else before them first. Perhaps a little selfish. Not saying that it is wrong, but you can't possibly begin to imagine what it's like to have love for a child until you have one. They just tend to think about all the hard work and expenses. My sister never wanted kids because of the same reasons, and now has 3. Lol.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

misticli said:


> Just looking for different experiences regarding couples who decided they would not have children and one person changed their mind.
> 
> What happened in your relationship? Did you agree to have a child for the other person? Did you refuse and break up or work through it? Of course no one is going to say they don't love their child, but did you regret it for a while during the pregnancy?


we agreed not to have children.. She agreed to abort any mistake... I abhor children and want nothing to do with them, ever...

fast forward to 4 years after our wedding.. She stopped taking birth control pills to get pregnant and even cheated to increase the chances..(Is the kid mine??....i don't know)...

She's gone, I'm divorcing her and I never want to see her face again...

She agreed to be childfree, we got married on the condition that children is a deal breaker... and she 'changed' her mind...

Yes. I resent her for what she did, and I'm not happy with myself for wasting my youth on her...


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

I never felt a burning desire to have kids...especially if I had to sacrifice financially for them while denying myself more than basic comforts rhat working full time should allow me. In that Im selfish. 

My soon to be ex, has had 3 misscarries and though I am glad she is okay, I am thankful I am exiting this union with no offspring to tie me to her. We really didnt want kids but she cant do BC pills and I hate condoms, and we are both vehemently against abortion...so when we were getting along, we figured if it happens it happens, but abortion is against our moral cores

Ive stopped having sex with her for several months now, so I can have a clean getaway.

But by living with her 2 kids, tho not really bad kids and more or less your typical teen and pre teen, I can say its good I dont have my own cuz I get annoyed with their nonsense and sloppiness...and thoughtlessness..which is big to me cuz me and my sister when kids werent thoughtless children to our parents


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Simone25 said:


> I think a lot of people don't want kids because they don't want to put someone else before them first. Perhaps a little selfish. Not saying that it is wrong, but you can't possibly begin to imagine what it's like to have love for a child until you have one. They just tend to think about all the hard work and expenses. My sister never wanted kids because of the same reasons, and now has 3. Lol.


The word "selfish" has a negative connation, so you are actually saying that not wanting children is wrong in a roundabout way.

Besides all the hard work and expenses, I watched my mother loathe motherhood. She had four children and she often complained about all the sacrifices and money. We made her miserable and my mother enjoyed taking out her resentment on us with physical abuse. I believe that my abusive childhood greatly influenced my decision to be childfree. I have forgiven La Maman because I know she is a damaged person who didn't know any better. Unfortunately, my awareness does not erase the psychological damage and lifelong trauma. 

I don't want to experience pregnancy or birth. I don't think I am strong enough to handle those things and I lack the patience to raise a child. When I was a nanny, I looked after a colicky baby who often made _me _cry. She would scream FOR HOURS no matter what I did! That experience showed me that I simply cannot handle a wailing infant. I had to put this baby in her crib and walk away so I wouldn't throttle her. I know this sounds awful, but I am just trying to paint an honest picture.

Mothers do the lion's share of childrearing and I just don't want to be tied down with kids. 

I will also add that I am an excellent aunt. My two nieces run to me with kisses and they adore their indulgent auntie. :smthumbup: Everywhere I go, babies smile and babble at me. Just the other day, I was in the laundry room and this poor mother was trying to wash clothes while paying attention to her baby son. She asked me to keep an eye on her baby while she folded laundry. After asking permission, I picked up the baby and rubbed his back. The screaming stopped within two minutes. 

I have taken two young people under my wing because they are disadvantaged. They are 18 and 20 years old..they look to me for advice, guidance and sometimes little things to help them like money or a well balanced meal. I don't think a selfish person would do those things, especially since I am not obligated!

As for the "you'll change your mind" comments I receive, my husband has had a vasectomy. :smthumbup: Yes, some people are very serious about not wanting children and I purposely looked for a man who did not want to become a dad. Those who change their minds and have kids were never childfree in the first place. Now I just tell people that we cannot have children, so that there is no debate or presumptious comments.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Simone25 said:


> I think a lot of people don't want kids because they don't want to put someone else before them first. Perhaps a little selfish. Not saying that it is wrong, but *you can't possibly begin to imagine what it's like to have love for a child until you have one.* They just tend to think about all the hard work and expenses. My sister never wanted kids because of the same reasons, and now has 3. Lol.


I personally would say that it's far more selfish to have a child to fulfill you own need for love than it is to have a baby just because everyone else is doing it.

Myself, I just can't imagine being trapped in a house with a kid. I suppose it would be fine to have one if you had a great nanny, but I've never had any real interest in babies or little kids. They don't DO anything, you know? Sometimes it's fun to pick out a cute dress for a baby shower, but I'd just die if my world became diapers and bottles. Even when I was little and had to play "house" with my sister, I'd send my "babies" to boarding school and then go play "work" instead. It's just so much more fun to buy wildly inappropriate gifts for my friends' kids--like pets and designer purses! 

Luckily, we live in a place where we can all follow our dreams and interests! I'm thankful for that every day!


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Simone25 said:


> I think a lot of people don't want kids because they don't want to put someone else before them first. Perhaps a little selfish. Not saying that it is wrong, but you can't possibly begin to imagine what it's like to have love for a child until you have one. They just tend to think about all the hard work and expenses. My sister never wanted kids because of the same reasons, and now has 3. Lol.



I think we all have things we are selfish for, though I can hardly see why someone choosing not to have kids is selfish to who? selfish to the person who does not want children... no... Selfish because we are not populating the earth enough?, yea right. Selfish because your parents don't get to be grandparents, not with mine already have two.

I have met a lot of other people who have said they do not want kids and have an accident or do anyway, but I am not a fickle person and am running out of time even if i wanted to change my decision.

I do have my days where i wonder if i am going to regret not having them. I even had a brief time were i yearned to have a baby, so I can honestly say I understand the desire, I sure understand its about hormones or a ticking clock a lot of the time and not done for the right reasons. In fact there are very few people i know with kids who did not have an "ops" i am pregnant.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

geek down said:


> fast forward to 4 years after our wedding.. She stopped taking birth control pills to get pregnant and even cheated to increase the chances..(Is the kid mine??....i don't know)...


I think this is entirely different, she went out of her way to get pregnant, it was not an accident. The cheating alone was more than enough reason for you to move on. It is to bad you invested four years, but at least it was only four years. I hope you found someone else who thinks the same as you.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

I have three kids from my first marriage and got my tubes tied. When I got married for the second time, my husband said he wanted kids but loved me enough to stay without them. After 4 years of trying and failing, he decided that he didn't love me enough to stay without them. And I realized I didn't want any more kids - never did and was just trying to keep the relationship together. I guess you could look at it and say we could have both saved ourselves some pain and been honest with ourselves from the beginning, but I don't think either of us was really sure about our positions until we had some time to think about it.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

We are in the middle of this decision right now. To have or not to have?
Growing up, I always assumed I would have kids, as that was the natural order of things. When I met my husband, we both felt very strongly about adoption too. But being young, we agreed to wait at least 5 years befor approaching the subject.
It's been 6 years, and the discussion has gotten somewhat more complex. Right now my parents are taking care of my sister's kids (7, 8,9 and adorable!) but they are 66 and 70. God forbid anything happens, but there's a possibility we would become their legal guardians. For now, we are as involved with them as possible and try our best to make up for the impossible to replace absence of parents.
Beyond that, my husband has leaned more and more toward the nature in the vs. nurture argument. Also, I find myself terrified of going through pregnancy. I hate the hormone shift that happens just during my period. Beyond that, my mother had a propensity for miscarriage that I dont want to test on myself.
But, every now and then I find myself thinking about having kids, especially seeing my friends with theirs. I catch myself romanticizing the concept of motherhood, and when I ask myself if I really want kids and if its for the right reasons, I always come up with a no.
As of now, I'm 28, he's 30. We both have 4-7 years of schooling directly ahead of us. We agree that we won't have kids unles we have the proper time to give them every day, and for now and the forseeable future we are just too busy.
In short, we recently decided that we'll come back to the subject in 5 yrs because right now its no for us both, but either might have a change of heart.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

When I reached the age where I could babysit, I watched the kids of my mom's friends. I also had the fun job of watching my youngest sister. Each and every child I watched at that time turned me OFF to the idea of ever having children. But then, when I started college, a new couple moved to our town. The man was the pastor of our church. They had a little girl who completely melted my heart. Normally, people hear that preacher's kids are the worst behaved children. Not this little girl. She was a sweetheart. And, had I not met this family, I likely wouldn't have my beautiful children today. Yes, they get on my nerves sometimes. But you know those screaming brats you see in the stores all the time? Those aren't my kids. They very rarely ask for something when we are shopping. And, if they do ask, and I know I don't have the money, they are content with my saying "next time"...and still knowing that it is unlikely they will get what they request. They absolutely drive me nuts at home... but I wouldn't trade that for all the silence in the world.

As for the debate regarding selfishness, I get what Simone was saying. It's not a selfishness regarding not wanting to populate the world, nor about not wanting to give their parents grandchildren. I think what Simone was getting at is SOME, not all, who say they want no children say this because they don't want to put anyone else before themselves. Some of them even show this in their interactions with their spouses. Again, this isn't all, but some. But, I guess you could say that THIS selfishness is due to immaturity. And, it would be better if these particular people didn't have children anyway.

Which brings me to a whole OTHER situation entirely: some people really should NOT have children, period!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

enoughisenough said:


> I have always wanted children and lots of them. But I don't see anything wrong with deciding you don't want to have children.


No, I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with not wanting children.... UNLESS you say you do, get married, and then say "I lied". My sister is going thru that right now. Her husband knew how much she wanted one more child. He was agreeable to that. She has two from her previous marriage. After they got married, he said he doesn't want any more children. She's upset, but she loves him, so she just lives with it. I can hear the resentment whenever she talks about it tho.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

I"m more inclined toward the notion that people are selfish for having children they aren't equipped to take care of - physically or emotionally. How could it be selfish to not have a child that doesn't exist yet? You're not hurting a non-existent child's feelings. And...there may be things that people would better do to serve the world and children would keep them from doing that. If you are a genius at curing cancer, isn't there a selfish element in giving up cancer research to have a baby? My two cents.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

It's not as simple as selfish/not selfish. As soon as my first daughter was born, I felt myself shift out of the centre of my own thoughts. I just wasn't as interesting to myself any more, and I certainly didn't have the luxury of time and money to spend on myself that I did pre-kids. I also spend way less time thinking about myself and my life from my personal point of view.

But I am much more selfish on behalf of my kids than I ever was on my own behalf. I would cheerfully burn cities and sacrifice every other person on earth to keep them safe. I also won't do the things I used to do for charity etc because it takes my time and money away from them. I am much more inwardly/family-focussed than I used to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arte888 (Jun 7, 2012)

enoughisenough said:


> I have always wanted children and lots of them. But I don't see anything wrong with deciding you don't want to have children.


I think it's selfish TO HAVE children. You don't know if they will have a good life or not, they may be born with a serious disability.
Lots of people feel this way, see link.

Consider overpopulation and resource depletion. see link, millions will starve in the very near future.


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