# Where has my tolerance gone?



## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

SORRY this is long. I never share things with anyone but I am about to burst!!!

Hubby and I have been married for nearly 16 years. Overall he is a good guy and I do love him. But something is happening in me that I don't understand. He annoys me constantly. I am not saying all of it is him. I feel less patience with his style of communication. I don't even like being around him lately. He reminds me a nagging and *****y woman. He is petty and tedious about the kids chores and a micro manager. He lectures them ....but now they just blankly stare at him so I know they have checked out, which is what I do now too. He gets on these soap boxes and no one can push him off. I would not disrespect him in front of the kids because I know he really does mean well and his core is good and kind. But how do I get him to TONE IT DOWN!!!! Nothing is ever light hearted with him, if it his he does it in a way that is mocking and makes him look stupid. He really thinks what he says and does is funny and dismisses it AS HE WAS JUST JOKING.... but NO ONE is laughing when he makes fun of them. I keep thinking at 48 he will GROW UP and stop mocking people. I love him but am not a fan right now.

I have always respected him and still do but lately his "knowing" everything is MAKING ME CRAZY! Also, he can't ever just talk...he has to preach or debate. Alot of this has to do with the way he talks (lectures and preaches) to our kids. He has not changed or adjusted as they grow up. I am not a doormat wife so I question him and make suggestions, never in front of the kids. I don't do this all time but lately he is worse than normal and I resent him for it because he doesn't change. To top it off he went out a day after our dog died without researching and bought a doberman. Sorry animal lovers, I am PISSED!! But not cold hearted. I wanted my middle age to myself. The kids are busy with their lives so I was excited to have free time but NOW I have to have this clingy dog with us. He gives that dog more attention than his family, it sickens me. Don't get me wrong, I am not mean just taken forgranted and sick of it. I work from home so you can imagine how much I have to do with this dog. I resent him for this too. I tried many times to let it go but when my beautiful home is getting trashed due to a dog I did not want I tend to get angry again. The thing is HE would HAVE BEEN LIVID if I made a decision like that without him. I clearly told him I am not ready for a dog but then he goes out anyway and gets this breed. She is smart and kind but the most clingy animal I have ever met. I am super independent so I don't have a hole in me that needs to be filled with animals. I was raised on a mini farm so I have met my quota of taking care of animals. Where we live is VERY hot so the dog has to be inside ALL the time. Again, I work from home so it is very difficult to get a break from it. I am the one who did all the research and training even though I did not want her. It's not the dogs fault. Then he wants to blame the kids for his decision which is silly. They told him "we will do everything"...they said it before with our little dog but I end up doing most of it. I did love that little dog and needed time to grieve over him but that was ripped away from me.

I feel like something is wrong with me because I have always been crazy about him, yet now days I am barely interested in what he has to say. I know that is so wrong of me to feel. Like I said he is great in so many ways. He means well, he does. But he can't see himself clearly. Also, I NEVER get complimented and not to be arrogant, I am still attractive and in decent shape for 43. I need kindness too but rarely get affection. He never asks me how my day went. He hardly listens when I share feelings on certain topics. Also, when he does touch me he can't just hug me, he has to grope my chest which is SO NOT HOT!!! After some affection,privately I am good with that but otherwise I feel violated . Until lately he has always had the power in the marriage. You know, one is always more in the love than the other. It was me but now I am barely holding on and for it seems for stupid reasons. This stuff is building up and I worry I will not be able to get back how I felt about him. He is totally loyal, committed and never lies to me. He is generous too. I trust him and he trusts me completely. This is a man I know would not cheat. So there are so many positives, why am I then completely disgusted by him lately.

Not sure where to go with how I feel. I am starting to lash out at him and don't feel the same towards him that I did. I want a mature, kind and loving man with some patience as I get older. Not a rude, selfrighteous and mocking man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's wrong is that BOTH of you are in withdrawal. BOTH of you aren't getting your needs met and both of you are dissatisfied. What happens when this occurs is that your partner stops being attractive in your eyes.

Here are things you can do to fix this:
Read the book His Needs Her Needs to understand how a marriage works - and doesn't work.
Get the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com, print a copy for each of you, and fill them out. He should enjoy that - it lets him tell you what YOU do that makes HIM unhappy. Once he has, read what he says about you, how you LB him, and focus on removing all legitimate LBs from your habits. This will take a few months to change your habits. Ask him to do the same with the LBs he does to you.
Think long and hard about what healthy boundaries around you would look like. Things like 'if someone raises their voice to me, I will ask them to stop and I will leave the room if they don't.' Or, 'if you grope at me, I'm going to go a week without SF with you.' Explain to him what your newfound boundaries are, and explain that you WILL be enforcing them. Then DO it. You teach people how to treat you. Teach him to stop harming you by removing yourself from the equation.
Find a way to spend at least 10 hours a week with him doing non-work/kids/household-related things. In other words, start dating again. Even if it's just to have a cup of coffee together in the morning; these things add up, and we usually let kids overshadow spending that time together - but you have to nurture your marriage by being together in such ways.
Once you've worked hard to eliminate the LBs, go back to MB and get the Emotional Needs questionnaire, and have both of you fill them out. It will tell you what his top 5 ENs are. Once you know them, YOU need to be the only person meeting those needs. 
By now, if you've eliminated your LBs, stood up for yourself (and the kids) with your boundaries - thus gaining his respect, and started meeting his ENs, he will be more amenable to doing the same for YOU. Give him your EN questionnnaire and ask him to start meeting your top ENs, just as you are meeting his. 

If you do these things, your feelings for him should return to normal.


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> What's wrong is that BOTH of you are in withdrawal. BOTH of you aren't getting your needs met and both of you are dissatisfied. What happens when this occurs is that your partner stops being attractive in your eyes.
> 
> Here are things you can do to fix this:
> Read the book His Needs Her Needs to understand how a marriage works - and doesn't work.
> ...


Great reply!! So thought out too. I will check this all out. I doubt he will participate though...being Mr. Right and all. I read a few chapters of Language of Love with him and did the test too. So he should know by now how I feel. Also, I have become a calm logical communicator with age...which is why his style is driving me away. I have talked with him about my concerns and how I feel about his lectures and mocking. He will be better for a while but he still does it after a while. I then have to politely remind him not to mock. But his reply is always "I was just kidding"....then I say "to me and the kids, your not funny to us, you come off as just mean."

By the way, if he knew I was even writing any of this or talking with people about these issues he would come apart at the seems. He can be very scary when mad. Not abusive but really really mean and closed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he keeps slipping into the behaviors, you have to have a pre-arranged signal that you use to point it out to him - like a hand up stop sign wise or something similar - and then you HAVE to enact the boundary. You can talk til you're blue in the face, and it won't make a whit of difference if you give him no consequences. Men are great at tuning out women. He will never change for real if you don't use the boundaries/enforcement.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he refuses to participate, calmly say something like 'this is important to me and if you won't participate, I'll take that as a sign you're not interested in staying married to me. I'll see a lawyer next week.'


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

To be fair, if I chose my words REALLY carefully he will listen and respect my view. I wonder how to tell him not to get on a soap box. It's like he wants everyone to hear what great ideas he has and shoves them down their throats. How do I say get down off your soap box and just TALK??! I would have so much respect for him if he would LISTEN and just talk. He says he just gets angry because he always has to repeat himself to the kids. I want to say "yea I know how that feels because it's the same in dealing with you" but I would not do that. He says I am too tolerant with the kids...not true. I enforce the rules, but I know I am dealing with kids so I am consistent without getting angry or offended by having to repeat myself.

They are great teenagers with busy lives. He just says that is an excuse for them to be lazy. He ALWAYS sees the negative rather than how great they really are!!

Could it be me? I am having a hard time losing the resentment.


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> If he refuses to participate, calmly say something like 'this is important to me and if you won't participate, I'll take that as a sign you're not interested in staying married to me. I'll see a lawyer next week.'


If I threaten that I might as well leave. A threat like that is the end of our marriage and I know neither of us would want that. We have been friends before we were married. So I think I need to remind him of that and talk a different approach. We have a date night coming up so I will try a new method.

I keep thinking I am over reacting but I know I would respect more if he could just chill out a bit. He makes everyone walk on eggshells all the time lately.

Divorce has never been an option unless one cheats or truly abuses. Neither has come close to happening. Rudeness, negectful, selfrighteous...yes, but never cheating or abuse has happened.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

His tendency to criticize and give long speeches reminds me so much of my wife in the past. She is very practical, critical, and focuses on the negatives. I worked behind the scenes to talk her down, focusing on unity.

By trying to be a unifier, though, you may run serious risk of alienating both of you from the kids lives as they turn into adults.

When my son was 17, he had major issues with depression, and we had to hospitalize him for a time. His deep, intense feelings of resentment for my wife never came out until that time, and it was incredibly hurtful to my wife. Then, our daughter began to deeply resent my wife when she began college. Now, she feels alone, not at all liked by her children.

Like you, I was convinced that I was doing the right thing. Our fear now is that our grown children will only want to have a serious relationship with me, and not my wife. She really struggles with self-resentment over how hard they try to avoid her, despite radical changes to how she approaches them.

I think family therapy might be a good way to make sure your children are not building resentment that may one day blow up. It is possible that problems are building, but they see your fight to keep the peace as a reason to try to bury the resentment ... for now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may not divorce, but you can always separate. Not telling you to do that, but to point out there are other options.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LillySue said:


> To be fair, if I chose my words REALLY carefully he will listen and respect my view. I wonder how to tell him not to get on a soap box. It's like he wants everyone to hear what great ideas he has and shoves them down their throats. How do I say get down off your soap box and just TALK??! I would have so much respect for him if he would LISTEN and just talk. He says he just gets angry because he always has to repeat himself to the kids. I want to say "yea I know how that feels because it's the same in dealing with you" but I would not do that. He says I am too tolerant with the kids...not true. I enforce the rules, but I know I am dealing with kids so I am consistent without getting angry or offended by having to repeat myself.


My first thought is to break down what he's saying, WITH him. When you say ABC, it seems like you're saying that the way you believe is the only right way. Is that how you feel? Does that mean you think that I'm inferior to you because I don't feel that way? Do you think it's possible for two people to approach something in two ways and still get good results? Then why don't you think I should have the right to approach ABC the way *I* want to? 

Drill down into what he really believes. Get him to question HIMSELF. Maybe that will help him see how YOU guys see him.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i gave my wife the nickname "nurse cratchett"

she is all business and schedules and laundry and barks orders at the kids. alot of lectures too. we are busy as hell and she just cannot slow down and relax.


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

Halien said:


> His tendency to criticize and give long speeches reminds me so much of my wife in the past. She is very practical, critical, and focuses on the negatives. I worked behind the scenes to talk her down, focusing on unity.
> 
> By trying to be a unifier, though, you may run serious risk of alienating both of you from the kids lives as they turn into adults.
> 
> ...






I would love therapy....but his pride is always up and he is never wrong. I am sure he sees things differently. I have been working on him too behind the scenes. Trying to get him to understand that even a Pastor (my Dad) was not always heard or respected in his own home because he was always preaching. If he just stopped talking ALL the flippin time they may start listening to him. I am working on him to reduce to three sentences then leave it alone. And not to talk when angry.


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i gave my wife the nickname "nurse cratchett"
> 
> she is all business and schedules and laundry and barks orders at the kids. alot of lectures too. we are busy as hell and she just cannot slow down and relax.


LOL! Sorry, not laughing at her or you. Just relate. I call him Mr. Can'tbewrong"


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> My first thought is to break down what he's saying, WITH him. When you say ABC, it seems like you're saying that the way you believe is the only right way. Is that how you feel? Does that mean you think that I'm inferior to you because I don't feel that way? Do you think it's possible for two people to approach something in two ways and still get good results? Then why don't you think I should have the right to approach ABC the way *I* want to?
> 
> Drill down into what he really believes. Get him to question HIMSELF. Maybe that will help him see how YOU guys see him.


He thinks I am right too but thinks I am too patient and get walked on. Not true. He thinks if their rooms aren't PERFECT than they are LAZY. Or if the forget to do something then they are LAZY. It never ends.

They come to me with everything and to him with nothing. Clearly you can see they trust me with their problems because I give solutions that are tangible rather than "get over it, toughen up" or take the opportunity to jump on the dreaded soap box! He needs to use teaching moments to help them navigate life rather than make them feel attacked and disected.

You all are helping me so much! Thank you! Why do I feel like I loathe him right now? Like I can't wait for him to travel which he is in a week. All of us are like, whew, we get a break!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him that.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

When I read your initial post I thought “bless you”. You sound like you are really going through it. I’d really love a chat with your H because I think I could help him out. But as that’s not possible then I recommend you buy the book Awareness (Anthony de Mello). The writer teaches the reader to be an Observer of Life. It teaches how so much can be gained from simply observing without any participation, how a still and quite tongue and a smile can be so beneficial and communicate so very much. The very first time I tried it with my younger son he came round the table and put his head in my lap and said “Dad you are listening”. I hadn’t even realised up to that point that I didn’t listen. Years later when spending some time with my elder son I used the same technique and he said “Dad you have changed”. But to me on both these occasions I hadn’t changed, I just observed.

Anthony de Mello teaches us to “take ourselves out of the equation” so we can really see and experience the beauty that is other people, most especially our family. So I’d just buy the book and read it and leave it laying around in the hope that your H picks it up. Your H (and your good self) are both at an age when big changes happen, both individually and because you are both changing the relationship changes as well. It can be a time when we turn round and take a very good look at our partner and perhaps see them in ways we’ve never seen them before. It can be a very trying time and can last for a period of 5 years or more until you either settle down in some new found dynamics between the two of you or it gets so bad that you separate and divorce.

Bob


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

AFEH said:


> When I read your initial post I thought “bless you”. You sound like you are really going through it. I’d really love a chat with your H because I think I could help him out. But as that’s not possible then I recommend you buy the book Awareness (Anthony de Mello). The writer teaches the reader to be an Observer of Life. It teaches how so much can be gained from simply observing without any participation, how a still and quite tongue and a smile can be so beneficial and communicate so very much. The very first time I tried it with my younger son he came round the table and put his head in my lap and said “Dad you are listening”. I hadn’t even realised up to that point that I didn’t listen. Years later when spending some time with my elder son I used the same technique and he said “Dad you have changed”. But to me on both these occasions I hadn’t changed, I just observed.
> 
> Anthony de Mello teaches us to “take ourselves out of the equation” so we can really see and experience the beauty that is other people, most especially our family. So I’d just buy the book and read it and leave it laying around in the hope that your H picks it up. Your H (and your good self) are both at an age when big changes happen, both individually and because you are both changing the relationship changes as well. It can be a time when we turn round and take a very good look at our partner and perhaps see them in ways we’ve never seen them before. It can be a very trying time and can last for a period of 5 years or more until you either settle down in some new found dynamics between the two of you or it gets so bad that you separate and divorce.
> 
> Bob


I can truly say I am going right now to buy that book. I feel like I have changed and grown in how I perceive things thus my style of communication is very calm. I feel more enlightened yet he remains the same. Don't get me wrong he is very perceptive however he is not always on target with his interpretation of people or a situation. He can read people like the Dad from Meet the Parents. Actually he reminds me alot of that character, sadly. He assumes the worst always before giving the benefit and I know that has alot to do the lack of healthy parenting in his own life. He has always had to be the parent. No one really showed him how or much compassion. I know he has alot of goodness in him. We both made promises to each other that divorce is not an option...in never enters my mind actually. 

Bob, your insight is wonderful! I am grateful for you sharing your personal experience with your sons.


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## LillySue (Sep 6, 2011)

AFEH said:


> When I read your initial post I thought “bless you”. You sound like you are really going through it. I’d really love a chat with your H because I think I could help him out. But as that’s not possible then I recommend you buy the book Awareness (Anthony de Mello). The writer teaches the reader to be an Observer of Life. It teaches how so much can be gained from simply observing without any participation, how a still and quite tongue and a smile can be so beneficial and communicate so very much. The very first time I tried it with my younger son he came round the table and put his head in my lap and said “Dad you are listening”. I hadn’t even realised up to that point that I didn’t listen. Years later when spending some time with my elder son I used the same technique and he said “Dad you have changed”. But to me on both these occasions I hadn’t changed, I just observed.
> 
> Anthony de Mello teaches us to “take ourselves out of the equation” so we can really see and experience the beauty that is other people, most especially our family. So I’d just buy the book and read it and leave it laying around in the hope that your H picks it up. Your H (and your good self) are both at an age when big changes happen, both individually and because you are both changing the relationship changes as well. It can be a time when we turn round and take a very good look at our partner and perhaps see them in ways we’ve never seen them before. It can be a very trying time and can last for a period of 5 years or more until you either settle down in some new found dynamics between the two of you or it gets so bad that you separate and divorce.
> 
> Bob


Just bought the book on Amazon!


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