# Safewords/Cowardice



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm much better now in terms of getting over the revelation that my STBX has already moved on. Still, I need to ask this question, even if I may not even believe the answers. It's tough for me, but it haunts me from time to time. I want to let it go as well but I have to come to peace with it.

Tell me, let's say you enjoy BDSM play, and your husband offered to do so to make you happy. However, he starts feeling uncomfortable, and asks to be released, evoking safewords - even though you haven't done anything wrong. How would you feel? Would his lack of trust in you hurt that much? And what would you think of him? Would you consider his actions cowardly?

Be honest please, hell even PM me if you don't want to answer publicly, thanks


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm guessing if I were into that I might be disappointed - I don't know that I'd see it as a lack of trust so much as you just not being into that. Then again I've never ventured into that arena.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just disappointment? Nothing more? You wouldn't think negative of him in any way? =/


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Well - imagine it in the reverse. 

You really like BJs, to make you happy, your wife agrees to give one. However at some point she says "Yeah, sorry, can't do this anymore" and stops. As pointed out there would be disappointment. 

What other feelings would crop up?


----------



## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

As I am not into BDSM, I am only speculating on how I would feel in this scenario.

Yes I could see myself feeling disappointed. 

I can't see myself feeling "hurt" by his lack of trust or have any negative feelings about him or view him as cowardly. 

In my case I think if I felt "hurt" or viewed him cowardly or negatively for wanting to stop, I would imagine it would come from my own selfishness.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> You really like BJs, to make you happy, your wife agrees to give one. However at some point she says "Yeah, sorry, can't do this anymore" and stops. As pointed out there would be disappointment.


And there would be a "WTF"...

I'm just concerned based on her accusations that I was a "wimp", she took it back sure but she surely meant it at the time. I still backed out of a challenge. Sure if I had given in, I would have run the risk of getting tortured (again), or we would have had a breakthrough night where I could have learnt to trust her, and where she could have realised that I did care about us.

Making a big deal about this has cost me my marriage, and my STBX was right that she did let me go without drama, eventually. So, this haunts me I guess. "Did my fear play a part in all this mess?", that's the question that is circling my head at the moment.

Regardless tomorrow morning I'll probably laugh myself back to sanity and forget about this.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LOL. Where do you come up with this stuff Dude?!

Please, laugh yourself back to sanity


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I will tomorrow morning lol

But nah, while I'm at it I might as well get rid of this haunting question before I laugh it off. It'll just go back to the back of my brain only to come out again later on.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't understand how anyone is obligated to do something that makes them very uncomfortable, and a partner that demands that is selfish, imo. Also, in asking that they "trust" you even after they've tried something they don't want for you, you've decided that your judgment is superior. The thing is that what's acceptable to you might not be acceptable to your partner, so why do you get to force your judgment, esp since they're the one dealing with it? We like some spanking but my hb can hit really hard, but since he doesn't know how it feels to me and I ask him to stop because it hurts, does that mean I don't trust him? Why should I leave that to him, he doesn't know how I feel. So on one hand you can't be expected to read minds and know what someone wants, but then you should be able to try to read their mind when doing something you like? Or if it's something you want then too bad and it shouldn't bother then? If I knew my partner was going to demand I trust them without giving me a way out I'd be disinclined to try anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nevermind... might as well bury this thought.

Anyways I was traumatised years ago by my STBX in a BDSM stunt that involved unconsented torture, cussing, and eventual begging. I still eventually forgave her even though I banned BDSM play. On February I guess a part of me also wanted to face this fear, amongst other reasons, with BDSM.

I'm already mostly over it, but I just wonder if I should kick myself for evoking safewords, that's all. Considering this was the last straw of disappointment that switched STBX's desire from wanting to reconcile to giving up.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well in that case my rant applies to your stxw. You are not obligated to try anything you don't want, and the fact that she deems her judgment superior to yours and seems to care nothing for how it might affect you tells me you're well rid of her. Sorry your went through that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks, then I guess I can put this issue to rest, no regrets right?

Unless someone wants to jump in and tell me that STBX has a point


----------



## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I'm just concerned based on her accusations that I was a "wimp", she took it back sure but she surely meant it at the time.


I guess I'd wonder if her "initial" comment of "wimp" was the one she truely felt or was it her inability to control her own responses. IMO, to "take it back" is MY back peddle for my true feelings or trying to cover up the simple fact I couldn't control myself to begin with. 



RandomDude said:


> I still backed out of a challenge.


Not sure how I feel about a "challenge" like this. H challenging me to race to the corner, sure, but a challenge in an act of BDSM, after I was "tortured"....Don't think I'd go there.



RandomDude said:


> Sure if I had given in, I would have run the risk of getting tortured (again), or we would have had a breakthrough night where I could have learnt to trust her, and where she could have realised that I did care about us.


IMO she broke the trust the first time she "tortured" you. You did show you cared the first time you agreed to try it, and you got tortured.



RandomDude said:


> Making a big deal about this has cost me my marriage..


Would it have cost you your marriage had she not done what she did initially? I mean, she's into BDSM, you agreed to try and she violated your trust...please don't take all the blame for this.



RandomDude said:


> she did let me go without drama, eventually.


"Eventually" is the key word to me. 



RandomDude said:


> So, this haunts me I guess. "Did my fear play a part in all this mess?", that's the question that is circling my head at the moment.


I'm sure your fear does play a part, but, the fear had to start somewhere. Guess it all boils down to "where did it start?"

RD- I don't know your whole story but I truly hope you are able to get through this. Good luck.


----------



## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Anyways I was traumatised years ago by my STBX in a BDSM stunt that involved unconsented torture, cussing, and eventual begging. I still eventually forgave her even though I banned BDSM play. On February I guess a part of me also wanted to face this fear, amongst other reasons, with BDSM.
> 
> I'm already mostly over it, but I just wonder if I should kick myself for evoking safewords, that's all.
> Considering this was the last straw of disappointment that switched STBX's desire from wanting to reconcile to giving up.


Traumatized years ago by stbx and you forgive her. That's awesome. 

Deciding years later to face the fear (caused by her initially), congrats for trying to grow and move on. That's awesome too.

Should you kick yourself for evoking safewords---OH HELL NO. I think you've given her way more than she deserves. 

Wow, you evoke a safeword and that's enough to make her quit. Pathetic!!! I'm sorry but I've got nothing good to say in her defense. I hope you move on soon!!!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bailingout said:


> I guess I'd wonder if her "initial" comment of "wimp" was the one she truely felt or was it her inability to control her own responses. IMO, to "take it back" is MY back peddle for my true feelings or trying to cover up the simple fact I couldn't control myself to begin with.


Or to get me back for ruining V-day heh.



> Not sure how I feel about a "challenge" like this. H challenging me to race to the corner, sure, but a challenge in an act of BDSM, after I was "tortured"....Don't think I'd go there.
> 
> IMO she broke the trust the first time she "tortured" you. You did show you cared the first time you agreed to try it, and you got tortured. Would it have cost you your marriage had she not done what she did initially? I mean, she's into BDSM, you agreed to try and she violated your trust...please don't take all the blame for this.


Thanks, guess I'm wondering how I went wrong, the stupid thing is that I even wanted it with her, I was open to it, I simply couldn't trust her. I made her take steps to re-earn my trust, same way she did when I broke her trust, but I still feared it right up till the end. It's just sad because I wanted it as much as her but what she did out of anger that time fked it up for both of us.



> "Eventually" is the key word to me.


True, but she wasn't like how she was the first time. Guess a part of me wondered if I pulled the parachute too soon if you know what I mean.



> I'm sure your fear does play a part, but, the fear had to start somewhere. Guess it all boils down to "where did it start?"
> 
> RD- I don't know your whole story but I truly hope you are able to get through this. Good luck.


Thanks, and I will, this is just a minor thought now. I'll forget it in the morning and might even be disgusted at myself for such thoughts I'll end up deleting this thread heh



bailingout said:


> Traumatized years ago by stbx and you forgive her. That's awesome.
> 
> Deciding years later to face the fear (caused by her initially), congrats for trying to grow and move on. That's awesome too.
> 
> ...


Well, we were already only in reconciliation at that point so it wasn't all, just the trigger. Thanks though, I will move on.


----------



## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> And there would be a "WTF"...
> 
> I'm just concerned based on her accusations that I was a "wimp", she took it back sure but she surely meant it at the time. I still backed out of a challenge. Sure if I had given in, I would have run the risk of getting tortured (again), or we would have had a breakthrough night where I could have learnt to trust her, and where she could have realised that I did care about us.
> 
> ...


How were you afraid and how did your fear have anything to do with it? YOU TRIED. Chances are you knew beforehand that you weren't going to be into it. But you TRIED for your WIFE because that's what SHE likes. And your fear played a role in this? Not true. Cut yourself some slack. 

I think it's more her calling you that name... "wimp". I know exactly what you are saying. That is one insult that you cannot "unhear" and the hurt, well it's just hanging out. It doesn't matter how many times she takes it back or apologizes or swears she didn't mean it like she said it. There's that voice inside that tells you not to believe her because deep down you know that she meant every second of it. 

You know you aren't a wimp. You just have to choose to believe yourself over her. Sometimes that's easier said than done.

Here's to that laugh tomorrow. =)


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, when folks called me that I never took it to heart as I know who I am - but it's different coming from a wife and where a man wants to play hero. Wasn't her hero that time obviously heh

Anyways cheers


----------



## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Or to get me back for ruining V-day heh.


I recall a thread about vday being ruined but don't recall why exactly. Is that the day you evoked the safeword, after the hiatus?


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Safewords are used for a good reason, sex is for 2 people's pleasure not just one persons. Throwing words like 'wimp' sounds like trying to deflect blame that it the session (or whatever action was happening to need the use of the safeword) had to stop on you rather than excepting she was going to far.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She was into "the game." You were not. She had absolutely no right to judge you in any way. 

It's her game -- not yours.


----------

