# Is it time for a divorce? Can things be salvaged?



## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

I want to start out saying that I knew I should not have married him before we got married. I, like so many other morons, thought that we could hash out our issues in time; I thought I could change him. I was 80% prepared to walk out on the day of our wedding and especially the night of our wedding, it was literally the worst night of my life. We have been together for 4 years and married for 1 1/2 years.

My reasons for staying:
1. He took my oldest daughter in and has been raising her as his own without question
2. He loves me
3. He loves the kids
4. He is a hard worker

My reasons for wanting out:
1. He is a very inattentive parent- he never spends time with our kids, won't even watch a movie with them. He is only around to but in when I am disciplining someone.
2. Emotionally unavailable- he disregards my feelings on everything, he comes off as if I am not supposed to have feelings or opinions about things. 
3. Abuses drugs and alcohol- he smokes marijuana and drinks heavy daily. He has slowed on the drinking since I kicked him out once but he still drinks a lot daily (he went from about 18 beers a night to about 6)
4. We do not communicate EVER- we have a lot of financial problems and instead of sitting down and coming up with a game plan, he would rather ignore the problem. I can only do so much on my end without his help. If there are things going on with the kids, we never talk about them, I just mention it on the day of or in passing. When I want to talk about out problems, he shuts down and says that I'm just *****ing and won't even look at me. I've invited him to counseling but his excuse is we cannot afford it. I told him that our insurance covers it and I found a place that offers sessions at a beyond reasonable rate. I've concluded that I would start going alone.
5. We never make time as a couple- I practically beg him to do things with me and after enough complaining he will tag along. If I ask him to watch a movie on the couch, he falls asleep 15 minutes into it after taking 45 minutes to get ready to watch it
6. He knows nothing about our 7 month old son- I wanted to have another baby and he was all for it but now that our son his here and has been here, he rarely helps. He does not know his schedule which is on the fridge. He never spends time with him, I have to yell at him to feed him a bottle or change a diaper. He has never put him to sleep for a nap or bed. He cannot handle him for the entire 2 hours that he stays awake before his next nap. He acts like doing anything for him is difficult
7. He makes me feel like the kids and I are bothersome to him, like he doesn't want to be married or have kids yet he rants and raves about my wife this and my kids that. We never do anything as a family, it's always me doing everything with the kids and for them. My 3 year old adores him, she'll follow him around the house, hold his leg, cries for him during the day and its like he avoids her when he is home. He acts like holding one of the kids for 10 minutes is enough. I'll confront him and he'll say that he had been holding her for hours or he just needs a break. 
11. He gets home from work and listens to pod casts or hides in the bedroom and watches tv. He doesn't eat dinner with us which he says because he isn't eating what we eat. He cooks his own food, cube steak every day.

He has expressed he wants a wife life someone from the 50's, someone I am not. He actually asked me once why didnt me and the girls meet him at the door with an embrace when he got home from work... really?!?!I want a supportive and helpful husband, I want to be able to communicate, I want someone to show me love.

I stay home with the kids because my son was born with health issues and was in the NICU, where my husband was drinking at one point and I was confronted by security (this is why he was kicked out of the house) My son is now doing much better and I am looking for work again.

I think about divorce all day every day but I feel trapped. Honestly, we have nothing in common anymore and I just flat out don't like him. There is not one thing I like about him as a person anymore. Is any of this grounds for divorce? Should I just stick it out, I made this bed I have to lay in it. Is there anything I can do to salvage things?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I didn't read your whole post but I will say, if you both have tried all you know, and exhausted all possibilities of trying to save it, and/or if the negatives outweigh the positives of the person/relationship, then it might be time to call is quits.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You won't get the usual response from me.

Your tone in your post screams angry, bossy and critical. No husband would want to communicate, support or do things with someone like that. Men don't like bossy wives. They shut down on such wives, and then get criticized for not being emotionally available. You have little respect for your husband (justified or unjustified, doesn't matter)



> Like so many other morons,[...] I thought I could change him.


That was honest 

You knew what you were marrying. A person with alcohol and marijuana consumption problems.



> My reasons for staying:
> 1. He took my oldest daughter in and has been raising her as his own without question
> 2. He loves me
> 3. He loves the kids
> 4. He is a hard worker


But now you want more. Moving the goal-post 



Did I just piss you off? I know.

All I'm trying to say is, look inside yourself and after much learning, try to be the best you can be. If you find yourself unhappy then, make a move. Right now, your problem is not your husband. It's YOU. Seek contentment and growth for yourself first. It's not your husband's job.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"He has expressed he wants a wife life someone from the 50's, someone I am not. He actually asked me once why didnt me and the girls meet him at the door with an embrace when he got home from work... really?!?!I want a supportive and helpful husband, I want to be able to communicate, I want someone to show me love."

This paragraph does not mesh with the rest of the story. To me this a door to a better marriage and he has told you how to get there. Not the full 50's thing, but he is looking for love just like you are. I believe the issue for you comes from selfish wanting (sorry), rather than giving to his.

One of you has to make changes, and the fact is we can only change ourselves, but sometimes, just sometimes, if you change, the other person changes for the better also.

So imagine if with actual wanting to improve your marriage you met him at the door with a smile on your face. Sucked up the pride and showed him he was loved and appreciated to be coming home. I think you would soon see a different man. 

Without a doubt you have built up a ton of resentment, which is poison in a marriage. For your sake and the kids, consider IC and MC. Change yourself and you may see him change to that guy you didn't know you were marrying.

All IMHO. I wish you well!


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

synthetic said:


> You won't get the usual response from me.
> 
> Your tone in your post screams angry, bossy and critical. No husband would want to communicate, support or do things with someone like that. Men don't like bossy wives. They shut down on such wives, and then get criticized for not being emotionally available. You have little respect for your husband (justified or unjustified, doesn't matter)
> 
> ...


Synthetic, I am not mad, lol. I never thought about things in the way that you put them, I do need to find a way to make myself happy again and then I think I would be able to give more in this marriage again so that things have a fair shot. My being stubborn has hindered me from thinking in an unbiased way. Like I said I am going to independent counseling so maybe that will be a good start for me.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Nma1516 said:


> Synthetic, I am not mad, lol. I never thought about things in the way that you put them, I do need to find a way to make myself happy again and then I think I would be able to give more in this marriage again so that things have a fair shot. My being stubborn has hindered me from thinking in an unbiased way. Like I said I am going to independent counseling so maybe that will be a good start for me.


Excellent. I'm glad you're not being defensive. Far too many of us claim a defensive position against life. It always ends up earning us a "victim's chair" and shortening our lifespan without achieving much growth. Happiness is impossible without growth and awareness.

I strongly recommend reading "Awareness" by "Anthony De Melo"


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Until he addresses his drug and alcohol addictions, I don't think you're going to see much from him as a husband or father. You know this already - he needs to stop the heavy drinking and marijuana smokes.


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Excellent. I'm glad you're not being defensive. Far too many of us claim a defensive position against life. It always ends up earning us a "victim's chair" and shortening our lifespan without achieving much growth. Happiness is impossible without growth and awareness.
> 
> I strongly recommend reading "Awareness" by "Anthony De Melo"


Synthetic, if I work on my issues what do I do to help/motivate him to be a better father. I am failing to see how my anger and bitterness has contributed to him being a less than mediocre father. I am not exaggerating this, he admits he could do better in that area. How do I help him?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Nma1516 said:


> Synthetic, if I work on my issues what do I do to help/motivate him to be a better father. I am failing to see how my anger and bitterness has contributed to him being a less than mediocre father. I am not exaggerating this, he admits he could do better in that area. How do I help him?


The help you can provide is having a clean conscious and absolutely no resentments and then a heartfelt expression of remorse for your "anger and bitterness". 

Just because he admits he could do better in fatherhood doesn't mean you have the right to consider him "less than mediocre". The fact that you feel entitled to call him such a thing is quite telling. 

Do you know what it feels like for a man to be married to a woman that considers him a "less than mediocre" father?

WOW!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

synthetic said:


> The help you can provide is having a clean conscious and absolutely no resentments and then a heartfelt expression of remorse for your "anger and bitterness".
> 
> Just because he admits he could do better in fatherhood doesn't mean you have the right to consider him "less than mediocre". The fact that you feel entitled to call him such a thing is quite telling.
> 
> ...


I wonder if emasculation is part of the genetic code?


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

It's telling of me for stating the truth. He has absolutely no real interaction with the kids. I do everything for them, emotionally and physically. How am I supposed to make him sound like a good father when he honestly is not?! He doesn't even attend swimming meets, dance, games, school functions, etc.
So are you saying that my bad attitude justifies this behavior?! I get slapped on the wrist for being *****y and he gets what for being a bad parent. He will be home soon and will go straight in the garage without as much as a hello or hug to the kids. I don't get it...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well, it didn't take much to get you on the victim chair did it?



> It's telling of me for stating the truth.


The moment you stop considering your opinion on a subjective matter "the truth", you've made progress.



> How am I supposed to make him sound like a good father when he honestly is not?!


You're not supposed to make him anything. An emasculated "less than mediocre father" included.

You got work to do on yourself. Do you want to do it or not? Your husband decides for himself. What do you want to do for yourself?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If he won't agree to go to counseling WITH YOU, then I do NOT see how this situation will ever improve. You two don't communicate. You don't seem to agree on anything.

Go to counseling ALONE. Set some life goals for yourself (as a woman, as a wife, as a parent). 

"2. He loves me" I haven't seen any evidence of this.

"3. He loves the kids" REALLY not seeing any evidence of THIS. 

Don't forget that you and H are both MODELLING behavior for your children. If THIS is ALL THEY EVER KNOW, this will be THEIR expectation for their own marriages.

If you are experiencing financial difficulties, then wasting money on dope and booze is selfish and short-sighted.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then hiding in the garage from your wife and your children is a COUNTERPRODUCTIVE way to resolve anything.

If your spouse offers a shot at an improved marriage through counseling and YOU REFUSE TO GO, then you really have no-one to blame but yourself.

I've never been a proponent of the "you made your bed, now lie in it" school of thought. If we all had PERFECT KNOWLEDGE at all times, then perhaps this would make sense. But we all change, we all grow in different ways at different rates. What you were willing to accept before you may be unwilling to accept now.

Forgive yourself for marrying him when you knew it was a mistake. YOU WERE WEAK. Now that you ACKNOWLEDGE what a mistake it was, become strong enough to move towards what you WANT for YOURSELF and for YOUR CHILDREN. If H wants to move with you, GREAT. If he doesn't, you need to move forward with your kids to a better, stronger, more emotionally-stable life without him.

good luck


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you, Slowlygettingwiser. I think I was looking for a reason to put some blame on myself, which I'm sure I have helped contribute to this mess, but things cannot get any better if he doesn't not take any ownership himself and if he will not go to counseling with me.

I decided to play the nice part today. I called him into the bedroom to talk, I apologized for being a bi*ch the day before and told him that I never thought about things from his point of view and that was wrong. With that said, he was still his same old self. I told him that I found affordable counseling and that I was going with or without him, he said he wasn't coming with me. I've done my part, he needs to grow up and do his share.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Some of the men here APPARENTLY FORGET that the knife cuts BOTH WAYS...


> But now you want more. Moving the goal-post


Wanting someone to change their behavior is apparently 'moving the goal-post' ONLY WHEN A WOMAN WANTS IT. Him wanting you to be a 50's-style housewife and greet him at the door (along with the other female submissives in the house) with a pipe, slippers, a martini (oh, THAT would really help his drinking) and a BIG KISS is NOT moving the goal post. Okay, got it!

*



Happiness is impossible without growth and awareness.

Click to expand...

*


> Just because he admits he could do better in fatherhood doesn't mean you have the right to consider him "less than mediocre".


But apparently you're not supposed to be 'aware' of his self-admitted short-comings! Okay, got that one, too!



> Do you know what it feels like for a man to be married to a woman that considers him a "less than mediocre" father?


 Nope, I'll guess you don't since you're a woman. But, apparently there is no such imperative on HIM to consider what it is like to be a woman watching her children IGNORED BY THEIR OWN FATHER on a DAILY basis. Apparently there is no moral imperative for HIM to consider how crappy it must feel like to be a child pleading for attention and love from your parent and being daily IGNORED, DISMISSED, FORGOTTEN and REJECTED. But, apparently MALE PRIDE is MORE IMPORTANT than the needs of others. Okay, got it! (What the hell did Maslow know anyway!)

Apparently, being honest and forthright in a non-insulting way (you did NOT call him an a-hole, lazy, selfish, wasteful) is being 'emasculating'. Apparently, it doesn't take much for some people's ding-a-lings to fall off their torsos...a cold, hard, realistic LOOK is enough to do it. PUT THOSE LASER-EYEBALLS OF YOURS AWAY, Nma1516, YOU'RE CAUSING SURGICAL CASTRATION IN THE VIRTUAL WORLD. Wow, I would say that even a 'mediocre' father would have MOST dinners with his family, would greet his children every night, would hug them most nights, would NOT waste precious and limited FAMILY resources on both legal AND ILLEGAL self-indulgent habits designed to escape from reality (dope & booze). So I would have to agree, that your husband would appear to be LESS THAN MEDIOCRE. But, apparently, I (like so many other women reading this) would be wrong. Okay, got it!

Well, apparently you'll have some REAL SOUL-SEARCHING and REFLECTING to do while you slip into those June Cleaver heels and string of pearls to do the daily cleaning, shopping, child-rearing, bill-paying, errand-running, and gourmet-meal-making. Remember, ONLY YOU can 'LOVE HIM' into acting like a mature grown-azz MAN instead of a self-indulgent teenager (oh, wait, I'm pretty sure that caustic wit of mine is going to cause some surgical castration as well if I'm NOT CAREFUL.......)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

[Sorry to be off-topic here...]

COFFEE - you can't receive any private messages until you empty your box. Apparently, you're too popular!!!!


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## Nma1516 (Sep 24, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> [Sorry to be off-topic here...]
> 
> COFFEE - you can't receive any private messages until you empty your box. Apparently, you're too popular!!!!


I wasn't even aware I had a private box!! 

Thank you for what you said before, in the previous post. I really need to stop tying to make excuses for him and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am human and I have a standard and I shouldn't have to feel that I must settle for less.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Some of the men here APPARENTLY FORGET that the knife cuts BOTH WAYS...
> Wanting someone to change their behavior is apparently 'moving the goal-post' ONLY WHEN A WOMAN WANTS IT. Him wanting you to be a 50's-style housewife and greet him at the door (along with the other female submissives in the house) with a pipe, slippers, a martini (oh, THAT would really help his drinking) and a BIG KISS is NOT moving the goal post. Okay, got it!
> 
> But apparently you're not supposed to be 'aware' of his self-admitted short-comings! Okay, got that one, too!
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awesome posts. Totally agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I wasn't even aware I had a private box!!


At the top of ANY page, look on the horizontal LIGHT BLUE bar; the 1st tab is "User CP". Click on it and a page all about YOU will open.

On the left side in the vertical bar, the 4th SECTION is "Private Messages".

You can send/receive private messages to ANYONE on TAM by typing in their user name. Your message will be read ONLY by the person whose name you typed in.

You will know if YOU've received any private messages by looking at the "Member Area" box at the top right. It shows how many messages you have; MOST are 'likes' but if you have any Private Messages, it will show up there as well. Just click on it and it will take you to the correct section of YOUR page (the first page I wrote about in this answer.)


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