# We rebooted our marriage



## Rayloveshiswife

My wife and I have been married over 21 years and like any other couple have had our ups and downs. Although we were getting along just fine for the past year I saw us drifting a bit and the marriage was slowing becoming sexless. One day I pissed her off over something stupid, don't even remember what it was. She said "you were getting sex tonite, not anymore" I blew her off as we had not been intimate in close to two months anyway. A few hours later it hit me. My wife does not want to give me sex, and I don't even care. How the hell did we get here? Well I started researching how to get more frequent sex and better intimacy on the Internet, aside from the crap on how to score with a woman, most of what I found was leading me back to problems in my marriage. In a post here a read where a wife had lost all respect for her H and was not giving him sex because he was not assertive and would not stand up for himself. Oh ****, that's me in a nut shell. Me and my wife are both dominant personalities, but I usually put mine aside with her to avoid conflicts. Through some round about questions I found out that my wife was upset with my refusal to stand up and lead. 

Along with this I identified many other small things. You know, the normal stuff we all Did when dating that stopped after marriage. It was time for a change. I started sending her flirty texts through out the day, I hid cards around the house, and even had her coworker put one in her desk(she still does not know how that got there), Had flowers delivered, and was generally there for her and loving on her non stop. The day she got the flowers she came home, snatched me off the couch, and pulled me into the bedroom for the best sex we have had in I don't know how long. I continued doing my thing knowing I was in this for the long haul. A few days later she sat me down and asked me point blank what was up. "Your acting wierd. I like it, please don't stop, but why?" We talked for awhile and I let her know what I was feeling and that I was trying to change to be a better husband to her. She seemed a bit skeptical, but agreed we neede some changes in our marriage. I continued to do my thing, she looked on, I guessed she was making her mind up on weather she was going to join me in saving our marriage. I expected this and was hoping it would not last more than a few months. 

A week or so later my wife came to me and asked "how many cards have you hid around the house?" How many did you find? She said four so far, plus one at work. " There are a lot more out there" the next day she asked me how long I was going to continue this "being a good husband" thing. Till death do us part, I told her. She said she had been watching me and liked the new me better than The old me and if I was open to it she was prepared to save us a lot of time. I was real interested in where this was headed. She proposed we reboot our marriage and start new. Basically go back to when we were deeply in love and pretend like the 18 or so years in the middle never happened. I Said I was definitely in and was ready to flood her with more love and affection than she could handle. There are not words to describe the next week. We are madly in love again and text and call each other constantly. The sex also came flooding back, and was better than ever. We cuddle, take showers together, and sleep in each others arms again. We are truely in heaven together. I could not be happier. This weekend we are going away camping, just the two of us. It's something we both love to do. I wouldn't ca it getting back to basics or anything. We're doing it in a 36 ft 5th camper. It's time to unwind and reconnect away from our lives, at least for a little while anyway. 

It is strange that all I wanted when this started was more sex. I was blind to what had made the sex wither away in the first place. Marriage is work, and we both forgot that in a big way. She gives me the credit for saving our marriage because I identified it and decided to do something about it. But I cannot take it, and I'm ashamed to say that I did not start out trying to save our marriage, just get sex from her more often. In my mind she deserves much of the credit for electing to instead of taking the normal and slow route, to just start fresh. I'm standing here more in love than I've ever been, but almost a little scared. It should not have been this easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

Rayloveshiswife said:


> A week or so later my wife came to me and asked "how many cards have you hid around the house?" How many did you find? She said four so far, plus one at work. " There are a lot more out there" the next day she asked me how long I was going to continue this "being a good husband" thing. Till death do us part, I told her. She said she had been watching me and liked the new me better tha. The old me and if I was open to it she was prepared to save us a
> lot of time. I was real interested in where this was headed. She proposed we reboot our marriage and start new. Basically go back to when we were deeply in love and pretend like the 18 or so years in the middle never happened. *Said I was definitely in and was ready to flood her with more love and affection than she could handle*. There are not words to describe the next week. We are madly in love again and text and call each other constantly. The sex also came flooding back, and was better than ever. We cuddle, take showers together, and sleep in each others arms again. We are truly in heaven together. I could not be happier.



What a  turn around... you know what they say about ...it's basically a c0cktail of hormones we revved up for each other.....and we keep going & going keeping the fire lit ... explained here *>>* The science of love 



> It is strange that all I wanted when this started was more sex. I was blind to what had made the sex wither away in the first place.


I have a few thoughts ....having read a couple books on Testosterone...back then you were in your sexual Prime as a younger man....you were antsy & needed it BAD, it could really WORK YOU UP & could tower over your thoughts...(so Experts say, around age 30, a man’s testosterone levels begin to decline, and continue to do so as the years go on).....

The thing is...women do not often GET THIS -understanding how our men FEEL (I know I didn't!)...(as our primes are late 30's -early 40's)...so as you aged..your need for lots of sex started to wane....and with this some other hormones shifted, upping those "Lovey Dovey" hormones (this is very common in men -they slowly mellow out)....

My husband wanted more sex in our past too... but he , somehow, always managed to put his love for me before Sex.. (we never even had a fight about it!) .... I think if the tables were reversed, given my temperament to go strongly after what I want..had I been in his shoes (and met with rejection) ..I would not have been so easy to live with...I can understand why people fall into these dynamics....if they're met with *too much* rejection ...that is. 

Your story reminds me of using the The Love Dare ...
The notes around the house, that was great. 



> *The Love Dare :*
> This daily devotional steers you through the fiery challenge of developing a strong, committed marriage in a world that threatens to burn it to the ground. The Love Dare personally leads you through daily devotionals and ends each day daring you to perform a simple act of love for your spouse. This 40-Day journey equips you to melt hardened, separated hearts into an enduring love that can withstand the flames of fear, pride and temptation.
> 
> The Love Dare will help you reinforce and enrich your marriage, earn back a love you thought was lost. In a world that attacks, devalues, and redefines relationships every day, learn how to rescue and protect your marriage from the firestorm. Take The Love Dare and FIREPROOF your relationship.


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## Rayloveshiswife

I believe the movie Fireproof was based on the love dare. But I simply went back to what I did in our early marriage and dating and had stopped doing. 

I printed out a lot of stuff I read off simple marriage.net that basically mirrors what you said. She said it helped a lot. The other day she also told me that she would never again use "no sex" as punishment when she is mad at me. Last week we also instituted a "we will not go to bed mad at each other" agreement. Already we have been up half the night working out something that would have had us fighting for days. I was wiped out that next day. But I'll trade sleep for a healthy marriage any day. She agreed. 

I love my wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loving1

Oh my gosh I'm so happy for you both! That's wonderful


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## SimplyAmorous

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I believe the movie Fireproof was based on the love dare.


 I am not sure which came 1st, the book or the movie...I enjoyed the movie...even if they got a little carried away with all the "salvation" messages ... besides that, it was valuable... vulnerable ..and good. 



> *Last week we also instituted a "we will not go to bed mad at each other" agreement. Already we have been up half the night working out something that would have had us fighting for days. I was wiped out that next day. But I'll trade sleep for a healthy marriage any day. She agreed. *


Sounded like a dead lock.. so you reached a compromise staying up all night. Nice. 

We've always been the







type ..pretty much since we met... Maybe this is my fault.. I have this *NEED *to talk things out.. only this gives me *peace.*.. and he very much cares about that free flowing *Peace* between us also.....we both feel worthless to the world around us when we are not in sinc , hiding our feelings..... till we come back together again...and make up... 

I may try to run off in a huff for 20 minutes , slam a door... but end up marching right back to him..cracking the door... telling him I am so pathetic I can't stay away!! ... and he ALWAYS gets this corner  on his face... this leads to us talking it out... sometimes this is INTENSE.. but I swear every time we have a fight like that... we always GAIN something from it...that helps us..and can even laugh about it after ... the best part >> 


I asked my husband once what he felt was the greatest marriage problem ever... He answered "People are stubborn, they don't want to admit they are wrong, and will hold on to that -waiting for the other to cave"... ..This is one area we never had trouble doing... we can readily admit our faults, where we missed it, forgiving with an embrace..so we're just left with ...those deadlocks.. 

With a "compromising spirit"... most marital issues can be worked through to the satisfaction of both partners...it may take some Brainstorming to get there...but that's the challenge! And as you are learning it sounds.. even if you was up all night !


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## remorseful strayer

Rayloveshiswife said:


> It is strange that all I wanted when this started was more sex. I was blind to what had made the sex wither away in the first place. Marriage is work, and we both forgot that in a big way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ray:

Kudos to you. 

I tried the same with my wife, intitally. 

After years of a rather nice sex life, she took up yoga and became a Buddhist and told me she had transcended sex. 

No amount of romancing worked for me. I tried similar approaches, and they made her happy, but she was still not interested in sex. 

When I would discuss it, she would laughingly imply that I was a sex maniac and only loved her for sex. 

Things have turned around for us. 

I am glad to hear your wife was so responsive to your romancing.


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## meson

Rayloveshiswife said:


> A week or so later my wife came to me and asked "how many cards have you hid around the house?" How many did you find? She said four so far, plus one at work. " There are a lot more out there" the next day _*she asked me how long I was going to continue this "being a good husband" thing. Till death do us part, I told her*_. She said she had been watching me and liked the new me better than The old me and if I was open to it she was prepared to save us a lot of time. I was real interested in where this was headed. She proposed we reboot our marriage and start new. *Basically go back to when we were deeply in love and pretend like the 18 or so years in the middle never happened. *I Said I was definitely in and was ready to flood her with more love and affection than she could handle. There are not words to describe the next week. We are madly in love again and text and call each other constantly. The sex also came flooding back, and was better than ever. We cuddle, take showers together, and sleep in each others arms again. We are truely in heaven together. I could not be happier. This weekend we are going away camping, just the two of us. It's something we both love to do. I wouldn't ca it getting back to basics or anything. We're doing it in a 36 ft 5th camper. It's time to unwind and reconnect away from our lives, at least for a little while anyway.


Awesome!! Little gestures mean so much especially with a commitment to keep doing them. Actions speak loudly and your actions were rewarded. I can tell you are serious because of your other thread as well. Congratulations on transcending to a new level of marriage. You are also lucky that your wife is working hard at it as well. Her desire to roll back is significant and you are wise to work on this from many different ways. Getting away camping is a great way to increase the friendship, adventure and intimacy of your marriage.


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## Married but Happy

I tried that a couple of times, unsuccessfully. Ctrl-Alt-*DELETE* finally fixed the problem.


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## Rayloveshiswife

Well the camping weekend is almost over and we're sad to have to go home. We have been doing AWSOME one on one which had been our week area in the past. She told me last night that she felt sad that we let the last bunch of years happen as she is so happy now. We both pledged to put our marriage ahead of the other noise in our life that tends to drown it out. 

To repeat. Resetting our marriage was not my idea. It was hers. She said she had been hurting and wanted to be closer to me. She took a chance to beleive my change was genuine and would last. I'm making every effort to see that it is. And you know. It isn't really that hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Well the camping weekend is almost over and we're sad to have to go home. We have been doing AWSOME one on one which had been our week area in the past. She told me last night that she felt sad that we let the last bunch of years happen as she is so happy now. We both pledged to put our marriage ahead of the other noise in our life that tends to drown it out.
> 
> To repeat. Resetting our marriage was not my idea. It was hers. She said she had been hurting and wanted to be closer to me. She took a chance to beleive my change was genuine and would last. I'm making every effort to see that it is. And you know. It isn't really that hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The marriage reset may have been her idea but it was your unilateral action that gave her the comfort and courage to seek resetting it with you. Actions speak louder than words and she heard you and you are working together on it. This is the part I find admirable.

So many have the "talk" which results in agreements for action which leads to a few weeks of effort. Then there is a regression to the way it was which then builds up further resentment. I have seen a lot of stories like this on TAM and what you did is a recipes for success as long as you keep the follow up going. You seem to be solidly on track for that. 

I will also mention that over time you may find yourselves forgetting a lot of the lesser years because the better years will begin to overshadow them. I think your wife's sadness will diminish with time significantly.


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## Rayloveshiswife

After being where we are now, I beleive we are both more motivated than ever to keep moving forward. We are communicating great with huge amounts if love and affection on both sides and the sex is mind blowing with both of us initiating about half the time. I could not ask for anything more. Many friends tell me it is only temporary and we will be back to where we were in a few months at best. Not if I have anything to say about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GingerAle

I love your post! So inspiring. I have been married for 13 years and you can never get comfortable and complacent with your marriage! You MUST keep it going and switch it up in order to keep it going. BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!! I love this!!!!


GINGER


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## Plan 9 from OS

Ray, great job stepping up to the plate to make things better. Kudos to your wife if she's stepping her game up too. Marriage is not easy. It takes work and effort. Some of us take a little longer to learn this, and I'll put myself in that category too because I haven't been the best husband for a couple stretches of our marriage.


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## HangingOnHope

Amazing story, inspirational. Wishing you both all of the best going forward


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## Noble1

Love reading stories like yours. Gives me hope to keep going and trying to push past the boundaries my wife puts up.


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