# Recovering From Infidelity



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I thought that I would share my story and give hope for others that a marriage can be repaired, as well as getting some advice with ongoing issues with me.
W and I have been together for over 30 years, been married for almost 29. We had a severely handicapped child who passed away a few months ago.
For over 20 years, our baby required so much care and work, I became the sole breadwinner while W's life revolved around the child. It was the only way and I have no regrets.
About 4 years ago, I became suspicious that W was seeing someone else. I found a "pay as you go" cell phone, got the account info and looked up the account. There were a lot of calls to one man.
I confronted W, she denied, said that she had purchased the phone for a friend, he was a coworker friend, etc, etc. She convinced me that she wasn't seeing anyone.
Although it didn't add up, I believed her.
About two years ago, W's best friend was in a bad marriage and spent a lot of time with us. She was a fun person, a joy to be around and I didn't mind at all. The friend and I spent a lot of time together talking about her marriage as well as the problems W and I were having. We weren't very "in love" anymore.
Well, about a year ago, the friend and I got together and had a PA. W saw us out on the deck one night. She didn't say anything, but went back to her previous OM.
I finally could not take it anymore and confessed. She told me all about her EA/PA as well. It was rough for a while, I thought I was in love with the OW, but she was just looking for a meal ticket. I finally decided (with a lot of help from counselors and friends) that she was a user and not in love with me and completely broke off all contact and knew then that I did love W and had to fix this. I also found out that I was one of three men in the running for her to latch on to. I also found out that she is a drug addict and a thief.
We spent a lot of time in counseling, talking to family and friends and are now in love like a couple of school kids. It's great!!
I see her as the most beautiful, sexiest, sweetest, woman in the world and she treats me like a king. The sex is awesome, we hold hands on walks, go do fun things together all the time.

*People, an affair does not mean that the marriage is over if you are both willing to work very hard to fix your problems.*

My issues;
Although I have no reason to think this, I often wonder if she is seeing the OM while I'm away(I work overseas and am gone every other month).
I run scenarios though my head about what would happen if I found out she was seeing him.
I am pissed off that W had the OM in our bed. I am pissed of that another man has had sex with my wife. When I think about what she did, I get angry. I also get angry when I think about what I did. I can handle the anger with my actions, but I am having difficulties with my anger towards her.
I just wish I could forget about the whole thing.
Any ideas on this?


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

danf, 
I can relate, I wish I could forget everything that happened.
I think all we can do is know that we made a decision to stay with our spouses for us........it was our choice to make that decision to stay.........it isn't about the past it's about the new future we make together......
Just think of the new memories when you mind wanders to the past......
I wish someone would invent something that could just zap unpleasant memories from our brains, it would come in handy in these kind of situations.....don't you think.........
anyway enjoy your wife and you new improved marriage


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I do find it interesting that you are angrier about her affair. Is it because you think she was the one who had an affair first?? Curiousity always gets the best of me on that one. Did you guys ever actually apologize (sincerely) to each other about hurts you both made?? 

On the homefront of being away and trying to cope, my H writes me letters every now and again letting me know how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I keep them, and I can read them whenever I want. I mostly look at them while he is gone, as a way to remind myself of his love when I can't see him. Does that sound like something you would like from your wife?? Do you think she would like them from you?? 

I do wish you the best DanF. You sound very sincere and you guys have been through a lot. I hope those last few hurdles pass quickly!


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I do find it interesting that you are angrier about her affair. Is it because you think she was the one who had an affair first?? Curiousity always gets the best of me on that one. Did you guys ever actually apologize (sincerely) to each other about hurts you both made??
> 
> On the homefront of being away and trying to cope, my H writes me letters every now and again letting me know how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I keep them, and I can read them whenever I want. I mostly look at them while he is gone, as a way to remind myself of his love when I can't see him. Does that sound like something you would like from your wife?? Do you think she would like them from you??
> 
> I do wish you the best DanF. You sound very sincere and you guys have been through a lot. I hope those last few hurdles pass quickly!


I don't think that I am angrier about her affair, I can deal with anger towards myself for my actions, but don't know how to deal with the anger towards her for her actions. Also, it's not like I walk around keeping this anger bottled up all the time. It just surfaces now and then.
Yes, we both apologized very sincerely. I truly am sorry that I did what I did and I believe that she is as well.
Before I leave to go overseas, W and I both get a bunch of cards for each other and post date them for the duration that I'm gone. I usually have one card a week and a couple of bonus cards in case I have a bad day. We also email and call a lot.
Thanks, DawnD. We are doing well and both of us continue to try very hard to be the best that we can be for ourselves and each other.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ahhh, now I see more clearly what you mean. I thought you meant that you couldn't function through the day without feeling overwhelming anger towards her. Now it makes much more sense. I was definately there, and I still have some of those days where I think for a second "how COULD you!" But many of the members here have worked with me to get me to a place where I flip the switch into positive thoughts. Instead of thinking about what he was then, I look at what we are doing now. I keep pictures on my cell phone of our family ( and a few Xrated LOL) to trigger the happy memories we are making now. Does that make any sense to you??


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Ahhh, now I see more clearly what you mean. I thought you meant that you couldn't function through the day without feeling overwhelming anger towards her. Now it makes much more sense. I was definately there, and I still have some of those days where I think for a second "how COULD you!" But many of the members here have worked with me to get me to a place where I flip the switch into positive thoughts. Instead of thinking about what he was then, I look at what we are doing now. I keep pictures on my cell phone of our family ( and a few Xrated LOL) to trigger the happy memories we are making now. Does that make any sense to you??


Yeah, it makes sense. I do the same, think positive, remember happy times, think about how much she absolutely LOVES me.
I just wish that I could make those thoughts and memories go away for good.
Thanks.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I apologize if you already mentioned it and I missed it, but when did everything come out and you guys decided to work things out? The timeline I guess is what I am asking. Have you both known now for a year or so??

Dday for me, the one year anniversary of my H's affair, actually allowed me to breath a little easier. I had a bad day shortly after, but I noticed I hadn't really had a bad day in two months before that. I guess I am hoping that the bad days will stop soon!


----------



## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

DawnD,

The worst thing I know for me is you never forget Dday. For me my ex had her PA on my 40th birthday, i will probably never forget.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am kinda screwed on dates. The anniversary of him cheating I was forced to celebrate on because he was promoted to the next rank two years later, he continued his affair through my son's bday, and then I found out on his Bday, when I threw hima suprise kegger. He told me 1/2 an hour before his party. I don't think I will forget the pain of that day, but I HOPE that those particular memories start to fade enough to where it doesn't ruin my whole life LOL.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I apologize if you already mentioned it and I missed it, but when did everything come out and you guys decided to work things out? The timeline I guess is what I am asking. Have you both known now for a year or so??
> 
> Dday for me, the one year anniversary of my H's affair, actually allowed me to breath a little easier. I had a bad day shortly after, but I noticed I hadn't really had a bad day in two months before that. I guess I am hoping that the bad days will stop soon!


It all came out into the open in July of 2009. So almost a year and a half ago.


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I am of the belief that humans will never get over infidelity. What they do learn is how to deal with it. It will forever affect your relationship with your wife and vice versa. 

Aristotle grouped adultery with deserting a comrade in battle. From a religious standpoint, two of the ten commandments forbid adultery. One says don't do it, and the other says don't even think about it. Our own emotion, jealousy, tells us we can never be satisfied except with someone who loves us exclusively.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

DanF -- is it an anger that stops you in your tracks and puts you in a bad mood?? I can remember being there, but I am really unsure of what pulled me out of it. 

I honestly hope it will all get better for you. I honestly spend a lot of time trying to plan things for us to do together while he is gone to pass the days and keep me positive. I get the kids in bed and sit on here looking at different things within a reasonable distance.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DawnD said:


> DanF -- is it an anger that stops you in your tracks and puts you in a bad mood?? I can remember being there, but I am really unsure of what pulled me out of it.
> 
> I honestly hope it will all get better for you. I honestly spend a lot of time trying to plan things for us to do together while he is gone to pass the days and keep me positive. I get the kids in bed and sit on here looking at different things within a reasonable distance.


No, it doesn't stop me or put me in a bad mood. Those thoughts usually come at the end of a day when I am off work and unwinding, just thinking about life and everything.
And I do squash them the best that I can and think about something else.
I may have made it seem worse than it is. It is really just a niggling, aggravating thought process that a true pessimist (me) will allow his brain to be sucked in to.
I hope time will make it go away entirely, it is happening less and less.
I also think that if I was able to talk to the OM and let him know how much Hell his part in the whole thing put me through, I would feel better. He is a coward and refuses to meet with me.


----------



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

DanF said:


> I also think that if I was able* to talk to the OM a*nd let him know how much Hell his part in the whole thing put me through, I would feel better. He is a coward and refuses to meet with me.


This is one area that I can shed some light on. I did confront the OM despite comments from some members of this forum: " He hasn't taken anything that wasn't offered to him, it's your W who betrayed you. Leave him alone."

I did it in a civil way. Took me a long time to come up with the words and situation to mention them: Treat M (my W's first name) like she's my wife, because she is." And then walked away. He didn't say a word. My W was totally against the idea but I did it anyway. It made me feel better as to the relationship with OM (I still have to see him from time to time), but with regards to relationship to my W, I still have the dark thoughts.

Hope this helps.

M.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I did talk to the OW over the internet and got some answers. But the most entertaining of it all was when I talked to her and her H together. Because then she was forced to be honest about who she was. She was a golddigger, looking for a paycheck, and forgot to figure in the fact that he would owe me child support LMAO. 

I can certainly see how it would give you some peace of mind.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

bump


----------



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

set


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

huh? lol I must have missed something, I will check the thread out lol.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dan, I really commend you and your wife for being able and willing to work it out. So many people can't (my marriage is one example).

Good for you guys!


----------



## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

I hope this is seen as a genuine question rather than dig, but I find it somewhat confusing how someone who has had an affair themselves can struggle so much with their own spouse having an affair.

Obviously I understand it being difficult and the unpleasant thoughts, but surely being a DS yourself (a non-directed 'yourself') would be in the best position possible to understand the hows, and whys of it all. Can you not somehow relate your own needs and experiences to that of your spouses?

In a probably unfair way, I see it a bit like 'if it's good for the goose it's good for the gander'.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it's probably one of those "getting a taste of your own medicine" type things.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

HungUp said:


> I hope this is seen as a genuine question rather than dig, but I find it somewhat confusing how someone who has had an affair themselves can struggle so much with their own spouse having an affair.
> 
> Obviously I understand it being difficult and the unpleasant thoughts, but surely being a DS yourself (a non-directed 'yourself') would be in the best position possible to understand the hows, and whys of it all. Can you not somehow relate your own needs and experiences to that of your spouses?
> 
> In a probably unfair way, I see it a bit like 'if it's good for the goose it's good for the gander'.


A fair observation and no offense taken.
I don't completely understand it myself, but I have come to this;
When I had an affair, the guilt tore me apart inside. As I posted, I thought that I was in love with the OW, but knew that my wife and I had so much together and had been so far. It wasn't enough to make me stop, but I couldn't take it and told my wife about two months into the affair. When she had an affair three years before this, she never told me at the time. Her affair lasted about three months and she only stopped when I got suspicious and confronted her about a lot of things. There is a part of me that resents that and that she could keep it to herself and still not tell me what was wrong with our marriage.
There is a part of me that thinks "If she did it once, she can do it again."
That feeling is subsiding. I know that she loves me and only me and only wants to be with me.
Hopefully in time, the suspicions and hurt will be gone completely.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Dan, I really commend you and your wife for being able and willing to work it out. So many people can't (my marriage is one example).
> 
> Good for you guys!


Thanks. We are sill in love with each other and doing great!


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Dan, I know this an old post but I got here through your link on another thread. Your story is really heartbreaking and inspiring. The fact that you made it through all of this must mean there is true love. All the best.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

couple said:


> Dan, I know this an old post but I got here through your link on another thread. Your story is really heartbreaking and inspiring. The fact that you made it through all of this must mean there is true love. All the best.


Thanks, couple.
I wanted to put it all here so that someone else can see it and think, "Maybe we can work it out".


----------



## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

thanks danf most of the replies to my story were very negative ok i know thats the normal but i had just lost what i thought i had and i dont think one person said you can make this work eventually they just kept telling me he was still lieing .its nice to see that there are some who make it through this.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife and I are proof that you can not only recover, but have a happier, healthier relationship afterwards.


----------



## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

I really wish Danf that you would come out of your problems


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Noel1987 said:


> I really wish Danf that you would come out of your problems


Huh?
I don't understand what you mean...


----------

