# No Children



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Not sure where the best place to put this on the site is, but this seemed most appropriate. 
Anyone ever have to have conversations with the spouse in regards to infertility? How has that affected your marriage?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

My wife already had 2 kids when we met. We both wanted more, but it was extremely important to her. Due to a cesarian on her last & a few other complications, we couldn't make it happen. It was tougher on her than me.

Tried IVF once, didn't take and it wasn't cheap. She found a center that offered one time payment, up to 4 attempts and without a live birth would refund like 80%. But it would really stretch us thin, financially. We went back & forth for a while, but it was clear to me that this might be a deal breaker for her. So I took out a 2nd mortgage on the house.

I think we tried for about a year. The hormone shots & resulting disappointments were very hard on both of us. It wasn't till like the 5th try that it finally worked. They were only supposed to give us 4 tries, but they used eggs harvested previously on the last attempt, so they didn't count that as a full cycle. Plus, I don't think they wanted to do the refund.

We got lucky....blessed. Twins!!! I'm really not sure we would have stayed together if we came up empty cause it was a lot of stress, both emotionally & financially. I'm almost 100% sure my wife would not have put up with all my subsequent faults long enough for me to recognize those faults & change accordingly.

Our boys just turned 12 and looking back, knowing what I know now, I would sell the house and live in a tent just to make that happen (having the kids I mean). The hardest part back then was dealing with the disappointment, the sense of failure. 

Is it important to both of you? Either way, have some very open discussions with her. If there are things left unsaid on either side it can plant some very bad seeds. If you are looking at alternatives (IVF, adoption, surrogacy), talk about both possibilities - success and failure. I would also suggest you clarify how far & how long you will go if things don't work out right away.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

All i can say for all women if they are not getting pregnant and they are trying, get their thyroid checked, TSH should be well under 2

Example i was infertile with a TSH of 3, i was still within the reference range, had antibodies for hashis which is autoimmune thyroid disease, my FT4 was right at the bottom of the range, so once treated i got pregnant, surprise, after several years of being infertile. I didn't know thyroid disease could cause infertility. 

my TSH needs to be suppressed 0.03  

It is worth an investigation as 2 out of every 100 women have thyroid disease.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

cloudwithleggs said:


> All i can say for all women if they are not getting pregnant and they are trying, get their thyroid checked, TSH should be well under 2
> 
> Example i was infertile with a TSH of 3, i was still within the reference range, had antibodies for hashis which is autoimmune thyroid disease, my FT4 was right at the bottom of the range, so once treated i got pregnant, surprise, after several years of being infertile. I didn't know thyroid disease could cause infertility.
> 
> ...


We have had things checked, we know the reason. It's not her. She still thinks its possible though, I don't know why. It can be very depressing know many people who are having kids when you can't.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Yeah but think of all the great things you can do when you haven't got any 

True they are cute when they're little but then they grow up in to raving loony teenagers.

Kevin becomes a teenager - BBC comedy - YouTube

As my mother would say children are not the be all and end all of life, she should know she had seven of us.

One of my brothers chose only to have one child and so did one of my sisters and my other brother chose a wife that couldn't have children and was happy not to have them.

I hope you find your way.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Yeah but think of all the great things you can do when you haven't got any
> 
> True they are cute when they're little but then they grow up in to raving loony teenagers.
> 
> ...


I hope as well too. Having kids is just something that I have always hoped for. I have a hard time believing that I can have a full and happy life without them.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Gbrad, sorry I made an assumption and rambled on. No alternative means possible? Adoption not option?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

rj700 said:


> Gbrad, sorry I made an assumption and rambled on. No alternative means possible? Adoption not option?


We haven't tried the alternative methods. And adoption is not something I would be interested in at this point.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

My husband and I have been trying to concieve for over five years with no children. I am the problem, and we have just started therapy with a reproductive endocrinologist. We will likely have to goto IVF in order to have a child. Our difficulty has brought us closer together if anything.


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## Mizpah (Sep 7, 2012)

Honestly, I have always worried that I would be infertile...Some of my cousins had issues, my mom had trouble getting pregnant, and I had trouble with ovarian cysts for a while. My husband and I have been married 2 years, and when we were dating, our sex practices weren't the most safe, and I wasn't on the pill until a couple months before we got married. No oopsies, which was a good thing since we needed to be more settled in our careers, but that heightened my concerns. Especially since his brother and his girlfriend had TWO unplanned pregnancies in the time we were together.

So, I discussed it with him. I have always felt warm and open to adoption, but I also want children with him. He too is warm and open to adoption, in fact, his mom and her brother were adopted. He and I had baby fever until about last year when we realized we have plenty of time to be parents and only a short time to be "just us," and we'd like to have our own home and be more financially secure. Well, anywho, even with the baby fever he was super supportive, told me that there no matter what we would be parents and he loves me, end of story, even if we don't have kids that our biologically ours.

Have you discussed this with your wife yourself or are you considering it? I know you said that you don't feel adoption is an option at this point, but don't necessarily rule it out all together either. Try what you can with known infertility treatment, if it's financially feasible, but also keep in mind--as my husband said--that there are a lot of great kids out there. Personally, I would feel better giving a home and love to kids who are already here and in need than making some from scratch just so they will look a little like me or a little like him, because if you choose to love a child, they become yours, plain and simple.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Mizpah said:


> Honestly, I have always worried that I would be infertile...Some of my cousins had issues, my mom had trouble getting pregnant, and I had trouble with ovarian cysts for a while. My husband and I have been married 2 years, and when we were dating, our sex practices weren't the most safe, and I wasn't on the pill until a couple months before we got married. No oopsies, which was a good thing since we needed to be more settled in our careers, but that heightened my concerns. Especially since his brother and his girlfriend had TWO unplanned pregnancies in the time we were together.
> 
> So, I discussed it with him. I have always felt warm and open to adoption, but I also want children with him. He too is warm and open to adoption, in fact, his mom and her brother were adopted. He and I had baby fever until about last year when we realized we have plenty of time to be parents and only a short time to be "just us," and we'd like to have our own home and be more financially secure. Well, anywho, even with the baby fever he was super supportive, told me that there no matter what we would be parents and he loves me, end of story, even if we don't have kids that our biologically ours.
> 
> Have you discussed this with your wife yourself or are you considering it? I know you said that you don't feel adoption is an option at this point, but don't necessarily rule it out all together either. Try what you can with known infertility treatment, if it's financially feasible, but also keep in mind--as my husband said--that there are a lot of great kids out there. Personally, I would feel better giving a home and love to kids who are already here and in need than making some from scratch just so they will look a little like me or a little like him, because if you choose to love a child, they become yours, plain and simple.


I don't want to sound like a *****, but I have to say that adoption isn't for everyone. It isn't about having the children look like you, or knowing that they are biologically yours. There are some people can do it, and want to do it, and there are others who cannot and do not want to. Adoption isn't for me, or my husband, and we do get upset when people patronize us with "there are lots of kids out there who need homes". While that may be true, it doesn't mean that it is what is right for our family, or that we want to be adoptive parents. There are a lot of children that I love, but that doesn't make them mine, or mean that we have the bond that mother and child have. Pregnancy is a very important part of bonding and parenting for many women, and some of us just aren't willing to give that up.


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## Mizpah (Sep 7, 2012)

No offense (see how those little disclaimers don't really make a difference?) but you succeeded nonetheless. I understand that adoption is NOT for everyone, and I would never patronize anyone. I shared my own concerns, opinions, and experiences on HIS thread, and if he doesn't feel patronized, then it isn't your place to throw stones. He said he didn't feel like adoption was an option at THIS POINT, not that it wasn't for him, and I wasn't very clear on where his wife stood on all of this, so please don't deflect onto me your personal issues.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

At this point neither my wife nor I feel as if adoption is for us. It has been suggested by a couple friends, but I don't think it is something I would want to do. I have to say, I want that child to be 100% mine. That may sound selfish, but I think I would always have that question in my mind of, did this happen because...


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## Mizpah (Sep 7, 2012)

I can understand that. I don't think it is selfish at all. There is a very human need in reproducing and have your own offspring. Have you two gone as far as to see fertility specialists or is all of this still relatively new? I had a female friend who had success with different treatments, and heard of a pretty remarkable procedure that helped a man who had been told he was sterile have a child with his wife. It's pretty remarkable the advances they are making, but I know from my friend's experience just how terribly difficult it can be emotionally and physically.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Saying "no offense" doesn't stop something that's touchy, personnel, or offensive, from being offensive, no matter how many time it's said. This may be his thread but that doesn't mean others cannot share opinions of experience, ad that is the point of this place. If you haven't experienced this, you cannot understand how painful those kinds of comments and suggestionsare. Telling someone struggling with fertility problems to just adopt, it's the same thing is painful and rude. If you want to get *****y, go for it. I'm only trying to help you in future situations such as these to understand that some things shouldn't be said, or if you insist on saying them have a little more tact and not talk to them like they don't know adoptionis available or tell them they should feel its the same as birthing a child. This person happens to be a man, and probably not hot tempered, but that isn't how it is always going to be. No need to be defensive when someone opposes your view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *gbrad said*: I hope as well too. Having kids is just something that I have always hoped for. I have a hard time believing that I can have a full and happy life without them.


 I felt this way.... I was an only child ...always wished for siblings of my own.....I always envied my friends with large families, even if they were a little whacked, I wanted that CHAOS in the worst way. So that was my dreams as a young wife.. 

It would bother me when people would brush my feelings off & tell me I am better off with one, or just relax... I felt like this >>









I can also relate to Tikii - about adoption... We did start looking into adoption -after so many yrs of trying but my heart was not into it, I KNEW I wanted MY OWN , and for some of us, that has to be worked through, grueling as it may be....it is something that would have to be laid to death...Before adoption can be considered. I never got there ...but turns out I didn't need to. The very month we scheduled our 1st Invitro Attempt was the very month we conceived on our own... I was supposed to call the doc when I got my "monthly" -but it never came! Talk about last minute. That saved us some $$ 

I had Secondary Infertility for over 6 yrs after the birth of our 1st son... most difficult time in my life......as my hearts desire was always that "large family" thing. 

Came to learn ....after many tests, his count (good), my tubes (clear), post -coiltal (Doc said best he ever seen), taking clomid for 6 months (didn't do anything)....eventually I went for the "Laparoscopy" that showed I had adhesions binding up my tubes causing a "kink"....after this was corrected, went on to have another 5 in my 30's. 



> *gbrad Said:* At this point neither my wife nor I feel as if adoption is for us. It has been suggested by a couple friends, but I don't think it is something I would want to do. I have to say, I want that child to be 100% mine. That may sound selfish, but I think I would always have that question in my mind of, did this happen because...


 I don't believe this is Selfish, THIS IS HONEST, you know what you want, and you have not laid down that hope yet.. I think you are on the right path... I believe a "Peace" would come upon you both, an acceptance .... when/IF it was the right time... for adopting ..... like our story, I never got there...... though if I was still trying 5 yrs from then, I believe I would have worked through some things in this area. A hope deferred too long really does make the







sick. (That is a scripture somewhere). 

I have seen some crazy things in regards to Infertility, a friend - tried for over 10 years, NOTHING, she adopted a little girl from China, then.... she got pregnant ! Made no sense at all. If the Docs offer HOPE and you can afford it , and this IS your hearts desire... .I say GO FOR IT !!


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## Mizpah (Sep 7, 2012)

You're the only one upset, and I am not going to respond to anymore of your attacks. Perhaps you should review the forum rules because attempting to incite fights is most definitely against them. I was under the impression that this was an adult forum where people could discuss differing views, but perhaps I was wrong. I never TOLD him to adopt. I mentioned it as a valid option, one that my husband and I would consider. Never did I say that he should or that it was for everyone, because I don't feel it is MY place to force MY views on anyone, ever.

I did not bother with reading all of your reply and I won't read anything else you post for that matter. I have more important things in my life than dealing with an over-emotional stranger who wants to see malice where there is none. I seek to help others and enjoy the community of forums. Not the few who try to ruin it for others.


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## Mizpah (Sep 7, 2012)

gbrad, I've unsubscribed from this thread since it is apparent that it would become an unhealthy source, but I wish you and your wife the best.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Where is there any attack in what was said. I contributed in the thread, and just happened to have a comment towards your reply. You are the only one here being overly emotional and now overly defensive. You are correct, this forum is about discussing things, even when there are different opinions and that applies to you as well. I'm not trying to initiate anything, as I said above I gave a little advice to help you and the people you come into contact with on this situation. OP, I'm sorry this turned into this, I didn't think anyone would over react to such a minor suggestion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Wife has actually brought up the topic of adoption a few times lately. I have simply tried to ignore the conversation. I don't even want to address it right now.


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