# Relatives...



## Crane (Jun 4, 2012)

I think I know why I'm recovering from my divorce so fast.

Because I'm having to assist my mother and grandparents in _their_ recovery. Aggresively. Allow me to explain the situation.

We separated and filed for divorce nearly two months ago. My future ex moved into a new apartment with her new bf. She has the kids most of the time - I get them on my days off. I'm presently staying with my family until the divorce and our finances (child support, etc) are legally sorted out, at which point I'll know how much money I'll have to work with moving forward. 

I'm finding the whole thing pretty agreeable. I get the kids as often as I can possibly have them, and the ex gets her weekends off to spend time with the bf. We don't bother each other unnecessarily. Sounds good, right?

Wrong. 

My family is *bitter*. They can't get over how I've been wronged and that I've been replaced by another man and how I'm being "used" for money and free babysitting and use of the car and so on and so forth. They don't think I should be giving her any money. They don't think I should be used for "free babysitting while she goes off and has a good time."

Nevermind the fact that her new bf did me the biggest favor of my life by entering the picture.

Nevermind the fact that "free babysitting" should be a positive thing, an opportunity to spend time with the kids that won't come back.

Nevermind the fact that the financial arrangements I make with my ex are _nobody's business but ours._


...


But anyways, they refuse to watch the kids without my physical presence in the house. Their own grandkids. 

I said, "So what you're telling me is, you never want to spend time with my kids again, without me present? So if their mother asks you to watch them if she wants/needs to do something, you'll say no even if you could have watched them? Based on some kind of moral objection? Or if I happen to need to be somewhere/do something at a time when they're here, you won't watch them for me? Even for an hour?"

They say, "That's right. Their mother should be watching them. We shouldn't have to."

And the only thing that crosses my mind is; Shouldn't have to? What's the big deal about watching the kids for a few hours, all of a sudden? It wasn't a problem when I was still married. Why don't they want to spend time with my kids anymore?

Do they not like them? Or are they just so bitter that they hate my ex more than they value my kids? 

If I can get over this, why the hell can't they get over it?

If any of you have been through something similar, advice would be greatly appreciated. At this point the only solution seems to be getting the hell out of this house as soon as humanly possible.


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## Crane (Jun 4, 2012)

Hey. You, seventy viewers or whatever.

Quit gawking and say something!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I don't blame them. They view it as your ex is getting away with free money/babysitter, not more time spent with their grandkid.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Crane said:


> Hey. You, seventy viewers or whatever.
> 
> Quit gawking and say something!


I'll bite. Your second post made me laugh. 

Your first post, however, is tough. My parents get mad at me because I won't give them time with my kid without me there because, well, I want to be there all the time. However, that is not humanly possible. 

Don't fight them on it. Don't talk about it. If they bring it up politely remind them that you are focusing on moving on and not living in the past. 

They will follow your lead after a while.


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## Crane (Jun 4, 2012)

Paradise said:


> I'll bite. Your second post made me laugh.
> 
> Your first post, however, is tough. My parents get mad at me because I won't give them time with my kid without me there because, well, I want to be there all the time. However, that is not humanly possible.
> 
> ...


Boy I sure hope so. 

I mean, it's one thing to say you aren't available because you actually aren't available. It's another thing entirely to try and take some kind of moral high ground on the issue. My feeling is that their priorities are in the wrong place. What's done is done.

I guess it's natural. They're genetically predisposed to go to bat for me.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Your parents will make there own decisions based on what you've told them, what they've heard, how they previously viewed your ex and what they think of her now.

Nothing you can really do about it.

My mother, brother, cousin, friends and lots of TAM people here have all told me on several occasions I was being taken advantage of. Yes, she is now gone, good for me, I get to have a new future. Is she with someone else? Who knows, probably an EA which will turn PA (if it hasn't already).

BUT, honestly, for the most part .. they were all correct in many complaints they had (especially seeing how so many of them complained about the same things when none of them talked to each other).

I was in denial, I was being taken advantage of financially etc.

I agree with you to a point, yes, the financial situation of your divorce is technically YOUR BUSINESS .. but, what if subconsciously you are showing signs of stress and wear because of it all?

They will all assign there own feelings to it and express those feelings to you.

With all that being said, I do not know you or you story well enough to accurately assess the situation. This was more of a reflection of what I have been going through and hope it can somewhat help you out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If they were my grandkids I'd take them every chance I had. After all, their mother is not a good example in life. I would be a great one. :smthumbup:

Beside all the fun of having the kids around, I'd see it as a chance to instill some good into the kids.

Perhaps if you start talking like that around your parents.. like how you want every chance to be around you children to give them your good influence.. maybe they could see that they have something positive to contribute to your children.

Also, the idea that their mother should watch them 100% of the time is nonsense. If she has a job she has to work. 

Your parents have the right to whatever stance they want. However, over time they might calm down and start feeling a need to have their grandkids around.

Ask them how they are going to feel when their grand kids grow up and don't give a hoot about them.


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## Crane (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> However, over time they might calm down and start feeling a need to have their grandkids around.
> 
> Ask them how they are going to feel when their grand kids grow up and don't give a hoot about them.


You're probably right. 

I take it back, you're totally right. Got to give it time.

I suppose it's a little much to ask that they hurry up and digest the reality of a divorce that began 2 months ago.

Makes me wonder how the hell _I'm_ doing it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

document all this time she's giving you with the kids. I'd try to keep my kids away from that pair as much as possible, anyway. Go for full custody and maybe you won't have to read about your kids and their mother's latest boyfriend in the paper someday.


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