# Fading Away At Times



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Sometimes I have time in the day, not a long time but enough, where I feel the longing again. I wonder why etc... I don't think it is self pity, I just think it's part of this whole grieving process. I wish, more than alot of things, that it was over. 

My days are good on the whole but round about 4 ish I start feeling blue. I recognize that it was part of the ritual of unwinding with ex time and I guess it's a hold over from that period.

I have one more month of 4 hour class, one day a week and then in mid-October I start a 35 hour school week. So I imagine when my life gets busier, that whole feeling will fade away.

Everything is beginning to fade away. I look back on my marriage and it is so hazy. Not a lot went on in the last 5 years other than withdrawal on my part due to figuring out what the heck had happened or was happening and I couldn't fix it or even figure it out. All I know now is that when the going got tough, he got going. I stood by him and not he by me. He was incapable of it or a true relationship. He really had no understanding. My luck to have fallen in love with someone unable to ever return love to anyone.

I feel like I am alone. I was so used to a companion and it's been eons since I have lived alone. It feels very strange. Not interested in dating, yet....And I wonder if it will be even worth the effort.

Time.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

My longing is always with me at this point. Sometimes it eases a bit when I have something else to pre occupy my mind. This is really affecting me at work. Frequently checking for texts from her.

I feel like I am floating in an ocean at times. Sometimes I am above water and able to breath. Other times I feel like I am under water and drowning in a sea of emotion. Just unbearable.

The worst is when I am at home alone. Being at work with this stuff on my mind is also very difficult. My marriage is still freash on my mind. What I wouldn't give to make things right. In just a month, I have thought of a lot of things I would have done different. If only she gave the marriage a 2nd chance.

I too feel the lonliness. I feel like I may never find someone to love me again. This all just makes me sick.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Mizz:

I know the feeling.

But I don't really have anything to berate myself about, other than communication. But I had no idea he had withdrawn because I was so immersed in my own stuff and trying to figure out my next step toward employment. He couldn't handle any of that, yet I stood by him when he was fired 5 times. My office closed was the reason I was re-evaluating.

I was his third marriage and now he is working on another person that has been married for 45 yrs and is set to destroy that one with his seduction and needs. She is in love and she will be in trouble when she discovers what I did; he is a narcissist and incapable of true feelings.

Wow, what I wonder is what I am to learn having lived with this type of predator. I suppose to watch for the red flags.

This time I am taking the time (not dating) to re-discovering what makes me tick: my needs and desires.

I know I was fortunate to escape after only 9 years. But it did mess with my self esteem and confidence. I will get through this and so you will, too. I am in no contact for a month now and I haven't responded to his three attempts. I am protecting myself from his head games and am moving on, slowly but surely.

I have a started a new career- school for the next year.

Try something different. Push yourself.

Good luck and God bless.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I am having these same feelings as you. Mine kicks in as soon as I walk in my door after work. At first, I was missing my W something firece, but after time, my feelings were replaced with other felings including unhappiness, remorse, even anger.

Much like you, I am not interested in dating. In fact, I have even turned down offers from a few women, one of them so good looking that my friends were beginning to question me. I am not ready to date yet, but I am not wanting to be alone either. I am more conflicted now than I ever have been in my life. Maybe if you find an answer, that will be my answer too.

I use to have thoughts where I miss her so much, where I wished that we could be together again. But now, when I try to sleep, I can't shake her out of my head.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

It's strange yesterday was a very good day and today I woke blue as heck.

I see couples and I am envious of their togetherness. Not them but what it represents.

This is the first time I have been alone since I am 17. That is 35 yrs ago. A long time. 

I was asked out a couple of weeks ago but I turned it down. And yet I am saying I am lonely. Or maybe because this is so new. 

I guess that is why it is important to take this time and use it on ourselves/myself because I know so little of myself at this point. 

No one told me this was going to be easy. And it's not. 

I hope tomorrow will be better or to look at the glass half full, later this evening.

It can't last like this forever. Change is natural, stagnation is not. That's hope, isn't it?


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I know what you mean Sparkles. I went grocery shopping this morning. I see couples there. Young couples. Old couples. My wife and I used to do the grocery shopping together. And when I am there I hope no one that knows me sees me because they might ask where wife is.

Strangely enough when she said that she retained an atty, it calmed me a bit. I guess because that lessoned the uncertainty of what is going to happen. I have now contacted a lawyer and I know this is going to court. 

I know I need to heal and work on myself. I do not want to rush into a relationship as soon as this marriage is over. I also do not want to be alone.

Having hope means a lot. I feel like that without hope, there is no point in going on. I've been there. I do have some hope that things will get better.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I know what you mean and how you're feeling. When I drive to work in the mornings, I occasionally see an older couple walking, hand in hand. When I am at the park with my daughter, I see a young couple or two enjoying each other's company. When I go to the walking park, I see a middle aged couple walking together. When I am watching a movie where the couple are getting ready to kiss I turn my head away and wish that the part would hurry up and get over with it. All of these situations are hard on me. I become sad and lonely, even somewhat depressed because I start thinking of what I had. It hurts, it hurts a lot, so I do what I can to focus my mind into a diffeent direction.

No, I am not ready to date yet, but I am tired of being alone. How can I walk down the middle of this road with having both of these feelings going on at the same time? Evenetually, I will learn how to let go, adapt, and move on. But for now, I will work on getting over my roller coaster of emotions.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

In accordance with the above sentiments, I too feel that longing.
I know that for the last few years it was more of a "what I wanted it to be" versus what it really was, but occasionally we would have that family moment. 
I see the parents walking their kids down the street, dog in tow on a leash. Imagine them eating dinner together, sharing a movie and popcorn night, christmas.,.. GAHHH there I go again.
Being divorced, having that on paper means nothing. I revisit the thoughts of when we were happy long ago. 
And yeah, it depresses me to no end. I havent been thru the worst of it yet. Once I move out finally, and am in my own place i fear that the gravity of it all will hit. Only then will i be able to properly experience the grief in all its glory. Not looking forward to that.
Sometimes I hate my exwife so much for doing this. I know hate isnt a thing I want to carry with me, but sometimes its all i got.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> Shooboomafoo
> "Sometimes I hate my exwife so much for doing this."


I have had those times too. There have been many nights where I just can't get her out of my head. Just this past weekend I have learned to let go of my hate and try to just move on. I figured that this would be better for me in the long run. I still have a little girl who needs me as well as her mother, so for her benefit I will keep it as amicable as I can. It is better for her to see both of her parents happy rather than to see us miserable (although I have been told that her mother is miserable).


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I didnt feel such animosity at first. I felt extreme sadness. It was truly suffering. Then, as more and more of the effects of my ex-wifes cheating and complete complacency about it became evident, how it affected me, my ability to handle financial issues on my own, the lack of any support to get what she wants (me , out)
and more importantly the effects on our daughter, her life torn apart and uprooted. 
I am seeing my ex do things to express affection and love towards my daughter that only "I" used to do. While my ex was buried in her cellphone or laptop, I was the sole attention giver towards our kid.
Now, I see my ex copying my footsteps, word for word, action by action, and theres a very little part of me that I hate to admit is put off by it. Express it on your own way in your own words, not mine. Watching her express things like "mommy loves youuuu", when two months ago she was too far into her affair to say anything at all, and even years before that was a total and complete ice scuplture towards both of us,,, suddenly NOW the loving mother appears? Mommy loves you,,, but she ruined your life by cheating on daddy, so you get to have an incomplete family, and a shaky home, and well, Im going "out" tonite, so I may see you tomorrow around noon.
FKING P.O.S..


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