# Sorry to bug AGAIN! BUt..............



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so Kinda crappy I talked to my friend this morning and maybe this is when I go bad and get low down and feel like crap all over again. When I talk to friends about it and open up my heart. Cause well I feel like **** cause I told the story again she asked so I told and well it was a ok so why did he need to kiss her again that makes No sense I dont buy that they didnt have feelings? I dont get it why am I with him again? why does it hurt so bad. I hate this so bad. I just want to be happy with myself but I am so lost with him. I love him so much but yet it makes me second guess if he really loves me. Maybe he did want her that would make more sense.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Sun,

Take a deep breath and reread a lot of our conversations we've had recently.

Its going to hurt whenever you talk about it, for quite a long time.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know but its like you dont want to be one of those stupid nieve girls that cant see whats right in there face.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I don't believe.....after everything you have put your H through since finding out....that he would still be with you if he truly did not love you totally and completely. I'm not saying you were right or wrong in all the ways you have brought this up to him over the last few months. But he has hung in there through the obsessive moments and all the BS while you have been processing and questioning....he has been there. I believe that if he did not love you and did not want to be with you, he would have told you a long time ago that he didn't have to put up with your BS and left.

What is right there in front of your face is your low self esteem right now. That is what you are not seeing or understanding completely. You need to work on yourself. Take time for yourself and do some things that are just for you that make you happy. You are a wife and a mother and we always put ourselves at the bottom of the list behind our families (sometimes we don't even take the trouble to put ourselves on the list!). You really need to start liking yourself and then you will start to love who you are as a woman...a person. As long as you do not like who you are, you will not believe that HE can. Do not let your H and his actions define you. When you start loving yourself you will gain the confidence to say, "Damn, I'm a pretty great woman/wife/mother/person and he is pretty darn lucky to have me!". 

Start focusing on yourself. Make you and your personal wants/needs your priority for a little while. Your husband and daughters won't suffer if mom gets a little time to herself....in fact it will make you a BETTER wife and mother in the long run. You may need some individual counseling for self esteem (not just the problem with H), get back into a hobby you haven't done in a long time (or start a new one), start working out at the gym again, join a book club/women's club/volunteer.....anything that has only to do with YOU! 

Love yourself first and then you will believe that your husband loves you too.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MsStacy,

You are 100% correct in my opinion. Everything you said is spot on.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so I see that it is possible of the low self esteem factor but also I think it a combo of things now I know that you have read my threads ok and you all know the story so I know you all know I have been obssesive BUT. I wish you guys could see my point of view of were I am coming from. The thing is that he kissed her again its not like it was a one time oops we were drunk it happend blah bs it was a plan of ok I am going to kiss her again.. Doesnt ANYONE see the wrong in that and why I am thinking that he wanted her WHY THE HECK ELSE WOULD YOU KISS SOMEONE. oh and dont forget rub there A$$ along with it if it wasnt someone that you didnt like I am sorry but I couldnt kiss someone that i didnt find attractive could you? I dont know I just think that he was busted and now is feeding me bs. Obsessive maybe I am for good reasons for sure!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

1. No one has once said he was right, I've always said he was wrong.

2. Maybe I'm mistaken, but wasn't the "2nd kiss" still all in the same time period before it all came to light? Maybe I have the time frame jumbled up.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I know but its like you dont want to be one of those stupid nieve girls that cant see whats right in there face.


ya i really never wanted to be one of those girls. I remember before i met my H I would always think so many girls were dumb. I never understood why they stuck around. I guess im one of those girls now. i think its just pride though, and fear of everyones opinion. and of course of getting hurt again.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Blanca said:


> ya i really never wanted to be one of those girls. I remember before i met my H I would always think so many girls were dumb. I never understood why they stuck around. I guess im one of those girls now. i think its just pride though, and fear of everyones opinion. and of course of getting hurt again.





OH you are so right on with how I feel on that to! Didnt ever want to be "that" girl now I am. But what do I do leave him to be with someone else and have something worst happen to me.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> 1. No one has once said he was right, I've always said he was wrong.
> 
> 2. Maybe I'm mistaken, but wasn't the "2nd kiss" still all in the same time period before it all came to light? Maybe I have the time frame jumbled up.




The first Kiss was on halloween the second Kiss was new years so whats that like two months apart. YA


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sunflower said:


> OH you are so right on with how I feel on that to! Didnt ever want to be "that" girl now I am. But what do I do leave him to be with someone else and have something worst happen to me.


Ya this is what has gone through my head, too. I guess i try and figure out what my motivation for wanting to leave is. Is it that im afraid to be 'one of those stupid girls'? If that's my motivation, well, its not a good reason to leave. Doing anything out of fear is a bad idea. So if im not afraid to be one of those stupid girls, then what else would i leave for? I guess because im tired of being hurt. But then i have to wonder what else i can do to stop being hurt because, like you said, no matter where you run to, people will hurt you. its just the way it is. no one is perfect. people screw up. So, if its not the fear of being stupid, and if you could cure your pain, and manage any future pain while still with your H, would you stay?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

people screw up. So, if its not the fear of being stupid, and if you could cure your pain, and manage any future pain while still with your H, would you stay?

Good Question. 


Would I stay if I could manage the pain or is the pain and betrayel to deep? I dont know I really dont? I would lose alot my family everything. it would be hard to start all over! but I love him I love my family. The hardest thing for me is the thought of him falling for someone else not wanting me anymore I mean there was a point in our marriage where I felt that I could do nothing right NOTHING was right everything that I did was wrong we always faught. We were young started young and grew up together basically through that hard stage 21-25 it was a adventure lots of growing to do.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I agree with what Blanca is saying. We are human and no one is perfect. People make mistakes. They screw up and sometimes hurt us. The people we love the most will always hurt and disappoint us at some time, to some degree. It's called life. Usually no one is doing it on purpose (if that's the case you have a whole other can of worms). 

It is not in our personal power to stop people from hurting us. How we deal with it is the only part within our power. We either forgive and move on, or we hold on to it and let it poison every aspect of our life.

This is where the self esteem really comes into play. If you were happy with yourself and truly loved who you are.....all this would hurt, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. It would take time to deal with and get over, but it wouldn't consume so much of you. Being afraid of being one of those "stupid girls" means you are putting your personal value in someone else's hands. Who cares if you make a decision that someone else might think is stupid? Who is that someone else? Who is going to think it's stupid? Who is living with the decisions you are making? Your friends aren't. Who gets to define what choices and decisions are stupid? ONLY YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUR DECISIONS REGARDING YOUR LIFE! I promise....people are not sitting back spending any of their time deciding whether or not your marriage and decisions are stupid. People are too self-centered and consumed in their own lives and their own problems to pay anyone else more than a passing judgement. And anyone who says you are stupid for staying with your husband has not been in your situation nor walked in your shoes. Someone might make comment (usually when solicited by you!) that they wouldn't stay if they were in the same circumstances....but they are not and they really don't know what kind of decisions they would make.

As far as you thinking your H found the friend attractive....so what! You have told us on previous posts that the night you played poker with these friends, the guy tried to get you into his bed at the end of the evening. So he must have found you attractive that night. Right? Is your husband stuck and obsessed by that? Has he even brought it up? You luckily made a good decision in that situation....but don't you think the choices you made at the beginning of that night and as the night went on turned bad? Do you see how easily that can happen? I know you are stuck on the second event between your H and the friend. You mention it was Halloween and New Years.....was alcohol involved in both?

My H is a very attractive man and I love him with everything I have, but we have friends that I also find attractive. I know that he finds other women attractive. Are we sometimes attracted to someone else? A friend, a stranger we passed on the street? Of course. Have we gone through periods in our marriage when someone else was more attractive than our spouse? Of course....I'm not picking up that mans dirty socks, washing his underwear, dealing with finances and all the ugly stuff that pops up in a marriage. But that doesn't mean that I don't love my husband more than ever. That means we have had a long life together so far....wonderful, angry, mundane, beautiful, boring and everything in between. I can hear you....no...we have not acted on any of those attractions, and that is where your H made some serious mistakes. Don't forget he was feeling down and unloved at the time based on some of your actions with this same set of friends. Each of you has made mistakes and caused the other to hurt.

The way I see it is you have a choice. I have mentioned this to you before..... You have a choice every morning to wake up and live the life you want to. 

You can choose to show the world that you are not one of those "stupid girls" and you can leave your husband because he made more than one mistake.

You can choose to believe that the other woman is better than you so how could your husband ever want to stay with someone the likes of you and you live miserably, or leave.

You can choose to believe that you are a pretty fantastic person....warts and all....and your H broke the one area of trust that you will never recover from so you leave him. But you know that you will be ok because you are a strong and confident woman who can make a new life for herself.

You can choose that you are going to show the world that you are not one of those "stupid girls" by staying in your marrige, holding on to his mistakes for dear life, and making him pay for eternity.

Or you can choose to put on your big girl pants...to hell with what the world thinks...YOU know that you and your family will be ok and it takes a pretty tough chick to go through some of the things you have gone through and come out the other end with a stronger marriage. You make the choice to accept your husband is human, he made some mistakes, he was man enough to take everything that you threw at him, and the two of you have worked hard to make eachother believe that there is no one in the world you would rather be with.

If you believe in yourself enough, you will believe that no one has the power to make you feel anything. Only YOU can control your feelings. If you don't feel that you are good enough for your H....then how can he believe anything different? You made some mistakes. Your H made some mistakes. They cannot be changed. How you handle it from this minute forward is the only thing you have control of. If your husband found the friend attractive during a two month period....you hurt, you b*tch, you cry, you yell and scream at him for what he did...and then so what! What can you do about it now? You have said that you were treating him poorly during that time. He was dealing with his feelings and emotions caused by your mistakes. You were ignoring your husband and paying attention to other men while out in public together. Does that mean you found all these other guys more attractive than your husband and it really meant something? What can you do to change these things that have already happened? 

You have the opportunity to show your husband, yourself, and most especially your daughters, that you are a strong, independant and confident woman who has the amazing ability to get through tough times.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MsStacy you are the smartest woman alive .


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sunflower, 

Please go re-read Ms Stacy's post over and over and refer back when you need to. Really she said all that ever needs regarding your situation. 

Also, I half apologize for my rude "grow up and get over it" style post before, but I felt at the time you needed it. I came across crude and rude but my intentions were to try and help you.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

*Great response!*

Ms.Stacy...

What a great post! What you have told sunflower is something that I can apply to my marriage and think about when I am agonizing over the mistake that my husband made.

I think I will print out your post and read it as a reminder whenever I am feeling down because a lot of it applies to how I feel a lot of the time. 

Hopefully sunflower finds it helpful as well! I think you inadvertently helped at least two people with your post. Thank you!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

COFLgirl: If you liked her post, you would REALLY get a lot out of the "Love Dare" book.

The whole thing is about unconditionally loving the imperfect person you married. Everyone makes mistakes and you can only control how you respond/react to your partner's mistakes.

I highly recommend it .


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> I agree with what Blanca is saying. We are human and no one is perfect. People make mistakes. They screw up and sometimes hurt us. The people we love the most will always hurt and disappoint us at some time, to some degree. It's called life. Usually no one is doing it on purpose (if that's the case you have a whole other can of worms).
> 
> 
> [_COLOR="Purple"][/COLOR]Ya you are right people we love the most hurt us the most cause we care about them we dont care what strangers say cause we never let them in to care. But your right really I have to take a step back and think I am not perfect I have had thought and actions that make me no better. Maybe thats why I am so hung up on it because I think that OMG what if he thought of the thoughts I was thinking or whatever. I dont know I need to slam my head into a wall though! get over myself and my pride cause thats whats killing me is my damn PRIDE. _
> ...





_Thats a thing I stuggle with so bad the thought of one day my daughters come to me and tell me something that they are going through with there husband and I dont want to tell them to throw it away expecially on something small now sex well thats hard but he didnt and wasnt close so why am I SO BITTER AND DUMB about this._


_Thank you for your post though it was very thoughtful and amazing eye opener. I know I am lost and I am trying to find my way again!_


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

martino said:


> Sunflower,
> 
> Please go re-read Ms Stacy's post over and over and refer back when you need to. Really she said all that ever needs regarding your situation.
> 
> Also, I half apologize for my rude "grow up and get over it" style post before, but I felt at the time you needed it. I came across crude and rude but my intentions were to try and help you.





Martino, 

Thank you for that I really dont think that it was rude so you are good. I am really appreciative of you guys and your words I cant tell you thank you enouph for what you all have done for me! I have been crazy then ok then CRAZY then ok Lost my mind then came back to reality but in the end I think that I will be ok! I think that things happen for a reason! right! so here was mine now I need to take in why this happend and what my lesson is!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

*Re: Great response!*



COFLgirl said:


> Ms.Stacy...
> 
> What a great post! What you have told sunflower is something that I can apply to my marriage and think about when I am agonizing over the mistake that my husband made.
> 
> ...






GREAT! I am glad that you are benefiting off what I am we all need to feel great in our life right we only have one of theM! so I need to move on just like you and well I think everyone had been through some hellish point of a marriage right. there is no such thing as the perfect marriage I will make sure that I work at it now though!


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

*Re:*



revitalizedhusband said:


> COFLgirl: If you liked her post, you would REALLY get a lot out of the "Love Dare" book.
> 
> The whole thing is about unconditionally loving the imperfect person you married. Everyone makes mistakes and you can only control how you respond/react to your partner's mistakes.
> 
> I highly recommend it .


Hi RH, I actually did check out the Love Dare book at the bookstore not long ago. It was interesting and probably had good ideas to help rejuvenate a troubled marriage but it wasa bit too religious and scripture-filled for me! 

I also kind of feel that since I was the one betrayed, it should be my husband who is trying to make it up to me, not the other way around! Maybe he should read it. (j/k)


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sunflower said:


> The hardest thing for me is the thought of him falling for someone else not wanting me anymore


ya i fear this with my H sometimes, too. and i wonder if i could handle it. I watched a Dr.Phil once and he was talking to a girl that was afraid of this same thing, and he said to her, if it did happen, would you be OK? 

it was such an interesting perspective to me. it was a few years ago that i saw that, but it has really stuck with me. 

My counselor taught me a technique called 'grounding'. when you start to feel your thoughts spinning, you start feeling really depressed, just stop and look around you. Are you OK? this little technique has helped me so much. sometimes i get so caught up in my internal chaos, and thoughts of 'what-if', and 'he doesnt love me', that i forget that all my external surroundings indicate that i am OK. my world is not going to fall apart. its a really strange calm, and it doesnt get rid of the hurt, but it certainly puts it in perspective. Also, when i was talking to another counselor, and i was really upset at my H, the counselor said, "That's a lot of power to give one person."


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

*Re:*



COFLgirl said:


> Hi RH, I actually did check out the Love Dare book at the bookstore not long ago. It was interesting and probably had good ideas to help rejuvenate a troubled marriage but it wasa bit too religious and scripture-filled for me!
> 
> I also kind of feel that since I was the one betrayed, it should be my husband who is trying to make it up to me, not the other way around! Maybe he should read it. (j/k)



1. Yes, if you don't believe the Bible the Love Dare can be hard to swallow, especially around day 25-35 (somewhere in there). I will say this, days 1 through about 20 are really good regardless of your religious beliefs, you can skip the Bible verses and just read the chapter/day and do the dare. 

2. You might be right, its hard to be the one to work on a marriage when it wasn't you that "messed up". However, I think we all know that we all make mistakes in our marriage some are just "bigger" mistakes than others. 

The best thing I found with the love dare honestly had nothing to do with the religious aspect of it. It was constantly drilled into you that neither you nor your partner is perfect, you both make mistakes, and your wedding vows said you would love that person regardless of their imperfections. It drilled into you that we all expect our spouses to be perfect, and when they fall short of perfection we get bitter. However, we end up with much too lofty standards and just constantly get more and more bitter over the short comings of our spouse. Unconditional love says I'll love this person inspite of their mistakes/imperfections.

The other big thing in the Love Dare was that you can't control/change a thing about your partner. You can only change/control yourself and how you react to what your partner does. However, in most cases, if you change how you react to your partner, you will indirectly see a change in them for the better.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Blanca said:


> ya i fear this with my H sometimes, too. and i wonder if i could handle it. I watched a Dr.Phil once and he was talking to a girl that was afraid of this same thing, and he said to her, if it did happen, would you be OK?
> 
> it was such an interesting perspective to me. it was a few years ago that i saw that, but it has really stuck with me.
> 
> My counselor taught me a technique called 'grounding'. when you start to feel your thoughts spinning, you start feeling really depressed, just stop and look around you. Are you OK? this little technique has helped me so much. sometimes i get so caught up in my internal chaos, and thoughts of 'what-if', and 'he doesnt love me', that i forget that all my external surroundings indicate that i am OK. my world is not going to fall apart. its a really strange calm, and it doesnt get rid of the hurt, but it certainly puts it in perspective. Also, when i was talking to another counselor, and i was really upset at my H, the counselor said, "That's a lot of power to give one person."



As much as I think Dr. Phil is a moron, that is actually great advice. 

You can't worry about what MIGHT happen in the future, it will only ruin your "present". 

You can't change the past, you can't worry about the future, you can only change how you act/live now so you don't have to worry about the future .


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

ya you are so right you cant change to past but you can look back at it and BE LIKE WTF was I thinking. YOU KNOW WHAT I talked to my H this morning and well we had issues with me buying things and not telling him. got mad and well this week we had someone calling on a late payment and I didnt want to tell him I was behind so he didnt stress and he was upset like I was hiding things from him. 

Then he brought up a conversation with the skank ex best friend he kissed of mine and they were all talking and it was something someone did and Joey was like no way would kim do that no way And she turned to him with a weird look and said she isnt as inocent as you think WTH is that what the hell was she trying to pull anyways wow what a friend trying to kill my marriage all around huh wow WOW. I so want to call her email her or text her and go off I AM PISSED.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

sunflower, if you and your husband don't completely cut off all contact with that woman and her husband, your marriage will fail.

You need to stop (and him too) talking to either of them in any way shape or form, texts, emails, phone, in person, whatever, the contact has to stop if you want your marriage to survive.

And yeah, hiding a late bill from your husband is a bad thing, it has driven me crazy in the past when my wife didn't tell me a bill was late, even if it wasn't something she bought like in your case.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya we have stoped talking but he just brought up the fact that she had said that after the kiss LIKE wth is she trying to do make it so he is more open to her? wow what a freakin. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Thats all I just think that I could really just punch her!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow sunflower what a horrible situation to be in. id want to punch that girl too. and my H while i was at it. I think you should stay away from that girl.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know I could punch him but I know what he was going threw and her well sounds like she wanted my life and to bring me down to her and her husbands horrible marriage. I dont know I feel better day by day but still want to run her over with my car haha!


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