# Take my residence while we're still married?



## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

This may need to be posted under the financial section, but I want as much input as I can get so I decided to post it here. My husband and I are on our 13th year of marriage. We currently have 3 daughters and I am expecting our 4th in June. Throughout our marriage I have had jobs off and on, gone to school both part and full-time, and raised/given birth to our children all the while, with him being the bread-winner. I was in nursing school for a year, and at that time he wanted me to sign an agreement saying that if we ever got a divorce, our entire property/house with 8+ acres would go to him with me getting no percentage of it. It bothered me back then and I didn't think it was right, but the fact that I was in nursing and was looking towards completing it and getting my nursing degree made it somewhat tolerable. I didn't pass my last nursing final, so I took a year off to re-coupe and then I got pregnant, much to his request. He backed off of his 'if we ever divorce' request for a while. Now I am two months from having our baby and he has started up again, along with complaining and not giving me any money for basic needs, i.e. groceries, daughter going to volleyball camp, saying I need to become an entrepreneur and make money myself. I have never dealt with this before and it seems extremely selfish of him, to me. I need others' ideas on this so I know where to go from here. Sorry this is so long and thank you so much if you have taken the time to read it


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I hope you didn't sign that agreement...!!!

To be honest, I'm not even sure it would hold up in court. Especially if you were basically "forced" to sign it under duress.

Your husband's behavior is certainly odd. How can he expect you to suddenly start earning money when you are providing all the care for 3 young children, and about to give birth in two months?

We need more info. Has he always been tight with the purse strings?

I would strongly suggest finishing your nursing degree. I wouldn't feel very secure with the kinds of things your husband is saying to you, and having your own career to fall back on eventually will give you some peace of mind. 

His thinking is a bit wobbly -- perhaps he needs medication.

Have you asked him why he is saying these things?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Did he bring the farm into the marriage or did you acquire it after marriage?


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

He's treating you very poorly!

I hope you didn't sign it!

He;s going to divorce you the writing is on the wall!


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

I didn't sign it. I don't plan to but he is making it extremely hard and messing with my head....he tells me that he has always been the bread-winner so he is the only reason we have anything that we have. Our residence was acquired in our marriage. We both came from nothing, so everything we have has been acquired in our marriage, but he throws the, 'I made the money to buy everything we have, so everything is mine' card. He has always been extremely tight with money.....unless it is something he wants, because he says he earned it so he deserves is. He just purchased $20,500 worth in toys of his choosing. I do plan to get my nursing completed, one way or another. I feel that it is my only way out if it ever comes to that point.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

You are married!

There is no HIS money and HER money

It's YOUR money

Unless he had it before.

Make sure you tell him that!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Tell your husband to take his agreement, roll it up real tight and stick it.

I've never heard of such balls. 

Better plan: 

divorce his a$$, keep the house, and have him pay you alimony, child support, and schooling.

EDIT: I forgot today is April Fools. That's what this is right?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Given how unfair the divorce courts are, I can see why he's doing this. He knows how poor he would be with four daughters if he ever got divorced and it would not be fair to him since he was the bread winner.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Given how unfair the divorce courts are, I can see why he's doing this. He knows how poor he would be with four daughters if he ever got divorced and it would not be fair to him since he was the bread winner.


Some people deserve what is coming to them.

Have to wonder why this is such a big deal to him. Who is he out banging that he is antipating a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

I have told him from day one that it is OUR money, and he has fought it every time. Saying that the money he makes is his and if I ever make money that will be mine. He has even gone as far as taking things he has bought for me (jeans, purses), and we get in a fight he says i'm being disrespectful and he throws them in our fireplace and burns them. Not to mention all of my personal items that he did not buy that he has broken.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

But yet you keep making babies with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

katieltj said:


> ...so everything we have has been acquired in our marriage, but he throws the, *'I made the money to buy everything we have, so everything is mine'* card.


Tell him to tell this to a judge, and then see how long it takes the judge to pick himself up off the floor after he falls off the bench laughing. Ummm, sorry hubs. It doesn't quite work that way. 

He is sadly mistaken and deluded if he honestly believes this.

You are entitled to 50% of EVERYTHING accumulated during the marriage. Everything. The only exclusions would be money and property acquired before the marriage (which you said there was none) and any money in his retirement savings account BEFORE the date of your marriage. Any growth in the retirement fund after marriage belongs to BOTH of you.

The more important point OP... why do you want to be with someone who would say these horrible things to you? And please, stop having more children with this man.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

katieltj said:


> I have told him from day one that it is OUR money, and he has fought it every time. Saying that the money he makes is his and if I ever make money that will be mine. He has even gone as far as taking things he has bought for me (jeans, purses), and we get in a fight he says i'm being disrespectful and he throws them in our fireplace and burns them. Not to mention all of my personal items that he did not buy that he has broken.


So he's abusive.

Talk to a lawyer. 

He's wrong about it being "his" money. Legally speaking, he's just wrong.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You should not sign the agreement!! You need to look out after yourself and your children. Anything acquired during the marriage belongs to the both of you equally. Your husband is a jerk!!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Some people deserve what is coming to them.
> 
> Have to wonder why this is such a big deal to him. Who is he out banging that he is antipating a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who says he's banging anyone?? He's doing this to protect himself from the poor farm. I don't think this is abusive at all, only common sense. I've wanted a divorce for years but I can't because it will send me directly to the poor farm. I wonder what SHE is doing that propmted this.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

You are more than right here. Looks like I'm the one who has a problem. We have definitely had our ups and downs in our marriage, i'd say more downs than ups. But I've never been married before this so have nothing to compare it to.....and he won't even think of paying for counseling.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Who says he's banging anyone?? He's doing this to protect himself from the poor farm. I don't think this is abusive at all, only common sense. I've wanted a divorce for years but I can't because it will send me directly to the poor farm. I wonder what SHE is doing that propmted this.


I sure wish you or someone else would tell me what I'm doing to prompt this! I stay home and take care of the house and kids and am 100% committed to this marriage. The most I ask him money for is groceries or things for our kids, never anything for myself. So do you see anything wrong with that?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Who says he's banging anyone?? He's doing this to protect himself from the poor farm. I don't think this is abusive at all, only common sense. I've wanted a divorce for years but I can't because it will send me directly to the poor farm. I wonder what SHE is doing that propmted this.


I am saying he is banging someone. Pure speculation on my part.

How does burning her stuff help him protect himself. 

If what OP says is true, this guy is a Class A Piece of Crap.

Poor house? He's lucky he isn't in the big house.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Who says he's banging anyone?? He's doing this to protect himself from the poor farm. I don't think this is abusive at all, only common sense. I've wanted a divorce for years but I can't because it will send me directly to the poor farm. I wonder what SHE is doing that propmted this.


You're projecting.

It's not helping.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I am saying he is banging someone. Pure speculation on my part.


Well stop saying that!

You don't know.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sandie said:


> Well stop saying that!
> 
> You don't know.


Could be wrong.

But why is this guy so desperate to protect himself from his wife? A stay at home mom, with limited education, with four young kids to take care of. Why is he so afraid that she is going to seek a divorce? What is he afraid of? Perhaps it's just the emotional and psychological abuse that he heaps on her. Perhaps it's more.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What you did to prompt this was you made a bad choice in a husband. Why you then give your children a father who refuses to pay for their needs as punishment to their mother is a mystery to me. Your choices are as follows:
Sign the paper, give up your financial security and still be married to the same man for as long as you remain married which probably won't be very long.
Don't sign the paper, and continue to experience this harrassment.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Could be wrong.
> 
> But why is this guy so desperate to protect himself from his wife? A stay at home mom, with limited education, with four young kids to take care of. Why is he so afraid that she is going to seek a divorce? What is he afraid of? Perhaps it's just the emotional and psychological abuse that he heaps on her. Perhaps it's more.


.....and financial and physical, I can't forget those.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Waitaminnit - you're saying that he's physically abusive along with everything else??


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He must have a 12-incher. Otherwise I can't see the appeal.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

Hicks said:


> What you did to prompt this was you made a bad choice in a husband. Why you then give your children a father who refuses to pay for their needs as punishment to their mother is a mystery to me. Your choices are as follows:
> Sign the paper, give up your financial security and still be married to the same man for as long as you remain married which probably won't be very long.
> Don't sign the paper, and continue to experience this harrassment.


He doesn't refuse to take care of our children, he just makes it difficult. Our children have everything they need + more. And you're right, if I would have known the kind of person he was going to be before I married him, I would never be in this mess. Its funny how you don't know someone truly until you are married to them. Me as his wife and with the standards I have, pursue this marriage in hopes that things will get better. I know that with young children a toll is taken on a marriage. So instead of getting out of it and saying that I didn't give it my all, I have chosen (in the past) to stick with it and do and be the best I can for this marriage. With things like this that keep coming up though, I'm afraid I have given too much effort for nothing.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He must have a 12-incher. Otherwise I can't see the appeal.


There is NO appeal to a 12 ICTHER!

Believe me I know!


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He must have a 12-incher. Otherwise I can't see the appeal.


Wrong. The only appeal (not sure I would call it this) is that he's taken away every ounce of self-confidence I have, and I have 4 children and like you said earlier, limited education.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> Waitaminnit - you're saying that he's physically abusive along with everything else??


Right. If getting out was easier said than done... The abuse is very controlling


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

katieltj said:


> .....and financial and physical, I can't forget those.


So... the postnup is the least of your problems. It's puzzling that you led with that.

Have you talked to a domestic violence shelter? Have you called the police when he's abusive? 

Do you have family or friends you could go to for help?

You need to get out. If not for your own sake, for you children's sake. Do you understand that them witnessing their father abuse their mother is abuse of them? 

You're letting your children be abused.

I'm not saying this to try to blame you. It's not your fault that he's abusive.

But maybe that will motivate you to do what you need to do to get out. 

Read up on it. Go online and find resources to help you. (Just make sure you do it in a private browser window so that he can't see what you've been looking at. It can be dangerous.)


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Do you have anyone else - friends or family - that would take you in if you needed to devise an exit plan? 

Have you documented any of the incidents that you have experienced? Do you have anything that he has said on a voice mail, text, e-mail or witnessed by anyone else?

Does he present one face to the public, and a very different one to your family?


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

Nynaeve said:


> So... the postnup is the least of your problems. It's puzzling that you led with that.
> 
> Have you talked to a domestic violence shelter? Have you called the police when he's abusive?
> 
> ...


I have talked to the safe house advocate more than once. I know the steps to take I'm just scared to death with 3 kids and one on the way. This is nothing like I pictured my life turning out like. I'm a good, attractive person who I have always known doesn't deserve this. I don't know why I feel that I deserve him the benefit of a doubt.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> Do you have anyone else - friends or family - that would take you in if you needed to devise an exit plan?
> 
> Have you documented any of the incidents that you have experienced? Do you have anything that he has said on a voice mail, text, e-mail or witnessed by anyone else?
> 
> Does he present one face to the public, and a very different one to your family?


I do. My family and friends are very willing to help. And yes, he presents one face to friends and one to me. But my family has seen and knows some of the things he has done. I have documentation of this things he has done, just my own though. He never does this in front of anyone else and I have no first-hand witness.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

If you know rationally that you can leave, are you are letting the hope of his changing be the driving force that keeps you there?


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> If you know rationally that you can leave, are you are letting the hope of his changing be the driving force that keeps you there?


I guess, in a way that is what is keeping me here. But with his track record I don't believe that is the strongest point that is keeping me here. I'm scared to death to try and make it on my own with 4 kids, and of disrupting the normal day to day family life that has always existed for them.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Well if everythingbelongs to him, then send him a bill for taking care of his house, his farm, hicchildren so he could go to work and make that money. he would not be able to work and takecare of fourchildren at the same time.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Well if everythingbelongs to him, then send him a bill for taking care of his house, his farm, hicchildren so he could go to work and make that money. he would not be able to work and takecare of fourchildren at the same time.


I have given him a layout of the cost for me to stay at home and take care of all that I do, he won't even bother look at it. And if he does, the layout is what will be wrong, not him.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You need to change your mindset. All of this about is control. The post-nupt, the abuse, it has control written all over it.

He is systematically taking away all your options to leave, making you solely dependent on him. The children he wanted was a control mechanism so you could not finish your education. That is why he wants you to sign the papers. Once your done being pregnant, you will have the ability to go back to school, and once you get a degree, you won't need him as much, so he will have less control. My guess, and it sounds like a high probability since these actions lead to a common denominator.

Get help from a shelter, make the issues public. A shelter will advise you on what to do.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

If he really wanted you to thrive, he would encourage you to go back to school. He wouldn't withhold money, pressure you with a squirrely post-nup twice, or exhibit other abusive behaviors. People can tell you to leave, but you must decide when you have had enough. You have the right and deserve a life full of love, support, respect, and dignity.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You need to change your mindset. All of this about is control. The post-nupt, the abuse, it has control written all over it.
> 
> He is systematically taking away all your options to leave, making you solely dependent on him. The children he wanted was a control mechanism so you could not finish your education. That is why he wants you to sign the papers. Once your done being pregnant, you will have the ability to go back to school, and once you get a degree, you won't need him as much, so he will have less control. My guess, and it sounds like a high probability since these actions lead to a common denominator.
> 
> Get help from a shelter, make the issues public. A shelter will advise you on what to do.


Thank you for that. That has actually been my mind-set the entire time. This is why I chose to pursue nursing in the first place. The fact that he made it practically impossible for me to pass was just another reassurance. That what I was thinking about his control issues was in fact true.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Could be wrong.
> 
> But why is this guy so desperate to protect himself from his wife? A stay at home mom, with limited education, with four young kids to take care of. Why is he so afraid that she is going to seek a divorce? What is he afraid of? Perhaps it's just the emotional and psychological abuse that he heaps on her. Perhaps it's more.


Every try researching what the financial status of a man with 4 young kids would be like after a divorce. If you did, you would understand what he's afraid of.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Every try researching what the financial status of a man with 4 young kids would be like after a divorce. If you did, you would understand what he's afraid of.


Still sticking up for this guy? Does he remind you this much of yourself? Get off your high horse. Sorry you had someone f--k you over but what does that have to do her situation here?

Did you beat your wife too? Emotionally and psychologically abusive to her? 

This has ZERO to do with his fear of losing everything to her. It has EVERYTHING to do with control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Every try researching what the financial status of a man with 4 young kids would be like after a divorce. If you did, you would understand what he's afraid of.


He makes very good money. He would have nothing to be afraid of.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This guy should be in JAIL. His money is the least of his worries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

The more he makes the more you get.

The more he gives you, the more it's going to hurt him!


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> This guy should be in JAIL. His money is the least of his worries.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you go deeper into what reasons you think he should be in jail for?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

for physical abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

katieltj said:


> I sure wish you or someone else would tell me what I'm doing to prompt this! I stay home and take care of the house and kids and am 100% committed to this marriage. The most I ask him money for is groceries or things for our kids, never anything for myself. So do you see anything wrong with that?


Have you talked to your husband as to why he wants you to sign it? It's basically flip flopping what would happen in an actually divorce where he would be on the poor farm working his tail off while you get all the money. While his proposal unfairly makes things in his favor, I see where it comes from. Who wants to work their whole life only to have to give it all away? It's basically the same reason why I, myself, have not gotten a divorce. 

Usually when a man wants a divorce it's for a very obvious reason usually rooted in his wife not doing something he expects her to do. Being a sole provider is a hard life and a difficult thing to ask someone to do. While you might 100% support the marriage and take care of the kids, for some men, including myself, that's not enough. I found myself constantly trying to pay bills with no money and always felt these days it's pretty much a necessity to have two incomes. I resent to this day I had to go through that and that my wife thought it was ok not to add the the family income. We were always on the verge of losing the house or a car. I did not think it was my sole responsibility to keep everything going myself..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

katieltj said:


> Thank you for that. That has actually been my mind-set the entire time. This is why I chose to pursue nursing in the first place. The fact that he made it practically impossible for me to pass was just another reassurance. That what I was thinking about his control issues was in fact true.



Abusers make it hard for one to completely trust themselves. Abusive people make their victims go through a gambit of emotions, and someone with poor boundaries, no knowledge of the signs, will often fall prey to people like your husband.

If you have a phone with a voice recorder, record him if you can get away with it. Open up multiple email accounts and send those evidence to those accounts. Let a lawyer know aboutthose accounts if you can get one. That is why a shelter will help you with those resources.

Those spikes of attachment and detachments can make anyone question their judgement, since the judgement center of the brain is usually bypass by the limbic system. The faster you can find an escape plan,the more you can find some equilibrium.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Every try researching what the financial status of a man with 4 young kids would be like after a divorce. If you did, you would understand what he's afraid of.


and you think that financial status of mother wiht four kids will let her sit by the pool and drink martini, while cook is cooking dinner, and nanny is taking care of those kids?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Ignore JB, he has selective reading. He left out the part where he asks you to stop with your education to have a child. That would of help bring in income. He is projecting onto you, and he sees himself in your husband. Of course he will blame the issues on you, and ignore the facts that do not fit into his scenario, because his emotions blind him.

There is the ignore function for those posters you find that offer no insight. In fact, if you finished your degree, you would likely be working right now, contributing monetarily into the income. But a baby was more important to him, plus the children makes you more attached to him.

The best posters are the ones that can be emotionally neutral. Emotions will often cloud one's perception. If you did get a degree, he will not have to support you as much financially if you do divorce. So why is he holding you back if he plans on divorcing you. It would make more sense if he waited until you actually got a job so he does not have to pay spousal support, and a child wouldn't be his priority, but finishing that nursing degree. If you got that degree, there would be no practically if any spousal support if the incomes are similar. Not to mention he left out the emotional and physical abuse to try and make his guess work.

Years of marriage, there is no judge that would let a spouse come away with nothing. If he wanted not to be screwed as JB has stated, then he would not have decided another child was in the card. In fact, it made his financial future worse.

The post-nupt is a fear card, so if you leave him, you get nothing. The child was a way to make you stay more attach to him. Him stopping you from getting that degree is stopping you from having options, because if you do not need him, what does he have to offer as a human being. Support? He has been a hindrance to you. Him burning your things is a sign that he possesses you, or so he believes. His physical abuse is to show how much power he has over you, and it is a threat for you to know the consequences if you cross him.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

In my humble opinion, raising 4 children is a LOT of work. Mentally, physically, emotionaly and affecting every facet of life. If my jobs as a mother were broken down into a salary bracket, the yearly total would equal up to a 6 digit figure. Raising 4 human beings is quite a task. So when I am approached saying that I either sign over this property that I have made our home on or else he will do it the hard way on his own anyway, it sort of effects me. When you have a family, you do it together, not by separating into mine and yours....that doesn't define family to me.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

katieltj said:


> In my humble opinion, raising 4 children is a LOT of work. Mentally, physically, emotionaly and affecting every facet of life. If my jobs as a mother were broken down into a salary bracket, the yearly total would equal up to a 6 digit figure. Raising 4 human beings is quite a task. So when I am approached saying that I either sign over this property that I have made our home on or else he will do it the hard way on his own anyway, it sort of effects me. When you have a family, you do it together, not by separating into mine and yours....that doesn't define family to me.


This in in reference to jb02157


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> and you think that financial status of mother wiht four kids will let her sit by the pool and drink martini, while cook is cooking dinner, and nanny is taking care of those kids?


I love your quote at the bottom of your post, it describes my life to a T right now.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

We paid 25K per year for two kids in daycare 40 hours per week.

4 kids, 24/7? 6 figures sounds reasonable.

Be strong Katie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> We paid 25K per year for two kids in daycare 40 hours per week.
> 
> 4 kids, 24/7? 6 figures sounds reasonable.
> 
> ...


Thank you, you prove to me that not all guys are like what my husband has projected them to be.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't get it? Why do you keep getting pregnant? I could understand the first one, but not any more. It just doesn't add up. 

You seem to be intelligent enough to know what abuse is and what it takes to leave an abusive marriage, yet you have 4 children with this guy?


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

I know, right??


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

That is a question with a deep answer that I will just hit the surface on....until someone has walked in my shoes, I don't expect anyone to fully understand. With each child, the pregnancy and years afterward saves my sanity and reminds me that there is good in this world and that there is something I can do right.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

synthetic said:


> I don't get it? Why do you keep getting pregnant? I could understand the first one, but not any more. It just doesn't add up.
> 
> You seem to be intelligent enough to know what abuse is and what it takes to leave an abusive marriage, yet you have 4 children with this guy?


The actions of abuse victims can often be puzzling to people who have never been in their shoes.

People always wonder why they stay.

It's because of the psychological manipulation. Stockholm syndrome. Honeymoon phase. It's part and parcel with the abusive relationship... the way the abuser convinces the abused to stick around and keep trying, hoping, praying, planning for a normal family.

Do some research. There's a lot of information available on the subject.

In the meantime... is it too much to ask for posters at TAM to only offer posts that are constructive? What good does it do ANYONE to ask her such questions? She can't do anything about it now. She has the kids and one on the way. It is what it is.

It just comes across as kicking someone who's down to ask such questions. IMO.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

katieltj.... I just want to offer encouragement. I think that you're stronger than you realize. I think that once you get free of him, you'll find out that it's actually easier to raise your kids without him. 

Just think of the peace you'll have. How much easier will it be for you to go about your day without worrying about him, his reactions, when he's going to blow up next, what will set him off next time. 

You've been living with an abuser. Believe it or not, your life is actually harder now than it ever could be as a single mom.

After all... what does he help you with now? I'm guessing here... but I'm willing to bet that you do all of the household chores and child care. So, on your own, you still do all of that. And, you get to finish your certification/degree and find a fulfilling career that will help you build your self-esteem.



I know it's scary. But girl.... You can do it. You are strong, smart, and capable. You've given birth three times. Ain't nothing scarier or harder in life than that!


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

Nynaeve said:


> katieltj.... I just want to offer encouragement. I think that you're stronger than you realize. I think that once you get free of him, you'll find out that it's actually easier to raise your kids without him.
> 
> Just think of the peace you'll have. How much easier will it be for you to go about your day without worrying about him, his reactions, when he's going to blow up next, what will set him off next time.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! I'm in the process of believing this about my future. I can almost feel the relief and weight that will be lifted off my shoulders. I just wish it wasn't such a process.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Still sticking up for this guy? Does he remind you this much of yourself? Get off your high horse. Sorry you had someone f--k you over but what does that have to do her situation here?
> 
> Did you beat your wife too? Emotionally and psychologically abusive to her?
> 
> ...


Sorry but where does her post say that she was physically beaten??? He only asked for an agreement, how is that physical/emotional abuse? Now I agree that the terms are not that fair, but the spirit of it is. Could you afford to live on 30% of your income?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Sorry but where does her post say that she was physically beaten??? He only asked for an agreement, how is that physical/emotional abuse? Now I agree that the terms are not that fair, but the spirit of it is. Could you afford to live on 30% of your income?


Half way down page two brah.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If you want to debate the inequities for men Vs women in the family court system have at it. But this isn't the thread for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She also said he takes her belongings and burns them when he decides that she doesn't deserve them. These are not actions of a loving husband. 

*Note: Volley ball camp is not a basic need. He does have the right to protest/refuse that one.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

SunnyT said:


> She also said he takes her belongings and burns them when he decides that she doesn't deserve them. These are not actions of a loving husband.
> 
> *Note: Volley ball camp is not a basic need. He does have the right to protest/refuse that one.


This is why I said + more....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Could be wrong.
> 
> But why is this guy so desperate to protect himself from his wife? A stay at home mom, with limited education, with four young kids to take care of. Why is he so afraid that she is going to seek a divorce? What is he afraid of? Perhaps it's just the emotional and psychological abuse that he heaps on her. Perhaps it's more.


Because he's abusive and he's manipulative and he's cheating on her, probably always has, and with the fourth kid coming, he's starting to look at life without a family and a worn-out beat-down wife, and wants to make sure he doesn't get stuck paying child support for four kids he probably doesn't even care about.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jb02157 said:


> Sorry but where does her post say that she was physically beaten??? He only asked for an agreement, how is that physical/emotional abuse? Now I agree that the terms are not that fair, but the spirit of it is. Could you afford to live on 30% of your income?


Why is it some men think everything short of a punch in the face is not abuse? Refusing to give her money to buy food or necessities? Badgering her? Repeatedly? Taking back what he bought her? BURNING what he bought her? Telling her repeatedly that she owns nothing and only HE can spend money and it's all his money? 

That's abuse.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

I know you you were probably saying this is general, but I'm really not a worn-out, beat down wife. The only thing worn out and beat down in me is my motivation to keep trying with him. I hate it to the core. If people come over to my house or if I see anyone out in public I feel like such a fake. Someone who on the outside looks happy, when really, all I am on the inside is crying out for someone to help, or to see how my husband really is. But he is such a pro and being charming that this will never happen. He was once again physically and emotionally abusive tonight, and I'm in my third trimester carrying his child which makes it hurt even more. I wish I could find the strength and capacity to leave once and for all.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do the 180.

Lay out all the financial demands he makes upon you in the even of divorce on paper. Ask him to write it all down so that you can consider signing. Tell him you want it on paper in a legal binding form. Once he gives that to you, go to a lawyer and ask for advice.

Your husband needs therapy.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Seek a woman's shelter, and they can help you navigate what is the best probable course of action.

Abusers are good at controlling behavior, they want to manipulate you into thinking that you have no power, thus no option but to stay. It is a trick into making that belief real.

Don't forget to save whatever evidence you can on his actions. Keep records of his texts, emails, voice messages. Take pictures with your phone, and send that data to a safe email account. Also, does your phone have a voice recorder, if so, it is a good tool to have as well.

If you expose him to friends and family, with the evidence to back it up, there will be lots of eyes on him, especially from those who care about you. He wants this side of himself to be private.

Plus, if you do sign it, and then tell a judge you signed it under distress, it becomes null. If a judge sees evidence of abuse, most likely, things will go in your favor.

I know it is hard for you to leave, since you have children, and other things binding you to him. If you want healthy children, they need to escape this environment. They are being shape by what they see and witness. It would save you and them a lot of therapy in the future.

He is afraid of exposure, and with that, he knows what he is doing is wrong.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

jb02157 said:


> Every try researching what the financial status of a man with 4 young kids would be like after a divorce. If you did, you would understand what he's afraid of.


My H thought this, too, until I told him he was wrong and to do his own research. Based on our state's child support calculator, he would have to pay me $228 a month in child support. We have two grade school kids.

So maybe some actual research is in order for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

LongWalk said:


> Do the 180.
> 
> Lay out all the financial demands he makes upon you in the even of divorce on paper. Ask him to write it all down so that you can consider signing. Tell him you want it on paper in a legal binding form. Once he gives that to you, go to a lawyer and ask for advice.
> 
> Your husband needs therapy.


You really need to do this. Your H sounds like a man who could hurt you in so many ways. You need to protect yourself and your children now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

katieltj said:


> I know you you were probably saying this is general, but I'm really not a worn-out, beat down wife. The only thing worn out and beat down in me is my motivation to keep trying with him. I hate it to the core. If people come over to my house or if I see anyone out in public I feel like such a fake. Someone who on the outside looks happy, when really, all I am on the inside is crying out for someone to help, or to see how my husband really is. But he is such a pro and being charming that this will never happen. He was once again physically and emotionally abusive tonight, and I'm in my third trimester carrying his child which makes it hurt even more. I wish I could find the strength and capacity to leave once and for all.


He was physically abusive to his 8 months pregnant wife, you have 3 kids already, you don't know how to leave, you hate faking your happiness, and you AREN'T worn out and beat down? Either you are in huge denial or your story isn't true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

This has been the entirety of my marriage with him, it is all I've ever known. I try extremely hard to keep myself healthy (physically), of course he has messed with my emotions but I try to stay on the upside as much as I can. That is what I meant by not being worn-out and beat-down. Believe me, I wish with all my might that this story wasn't true.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go visit a shelter and talk to the director. Let her tell you the truth about your life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He was physically abusive yesterday? Why didn't you call 911?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You might find this encouraging. Husband Says He Can’t Afford His Wife As A Stay-At-Home Mom And His Reasoning Adds Up. Big Time.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Sorry but where does her post say that she was physically beaten??? He only asked for an agreement, how is that physical/emotional abuse? Now I agree that the terms are not that fair, but the spirit of it is. Could you afford to live on 30% of your income?


Two adults plus four kids - is she keeps all the kids, by mathematics alone he should live on 1/6th - still better than 1/3?

Just to show you that having family has consequencs. just because you divorce your spouse, you cannot abandon your children.


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

I have looked at the 'husband can't afford his wife to stay home with kids' article and I can see from my view point exactly where that is coming from and the logistics of the article. I showed it to my husband to try to prove my point and was critically told that it was just that persons' opinion. No reasoning with him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

katieltj said:


> I have looked at the 'husband can't afford his wife to stay home with kids' article and I can see from my view point exactly where that is coming from and the logistics of the article. I showed it to my husband to try to prove my point and was critically told that it was just that persons' opinion. No reasoning with him.


There is no point in trying to convince him of anything. He does not care about your opinion. I posted it to encourage you not to believe your husband's lies. He is a fool.
The only thing your husband will believe are consequences. 
Again: Why didn't you call 911 when your husband was abusing you? That is the only thing that will work with him. Once he is taken away by the police, you can file a restraining order and he will not be allowed to come back to the house. And he will still be required to support you. You can then file divorce in peace. But, if I were you, I'd get a gun and make sure I knew how to use it. A shotgun isn't hard to aim. I am completely serious about this. If he comes back, after the restraining order, you call 911 and if they don't get there in time to protect you, shoot to protect yourself and your children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you realize you may be responsible for harm to your unborn child if you keep allowing him to hit you without calling the poilice? Do you want that on your conscience?


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## katieltj (Apr 1, 2015)

He doesn't hit me....that's what makes it hard. He's always been careful enough to abuse in ways that don't always leave a mark, especially now that I'm pregnant. This is why calling the cops is hard..... there is no physical evidence and he will talk his way out of it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What, exactly does he do?


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> Do you realize you may be responsible for harm to your unborn child if you keep allowing him to hit you without calling the poilice? Do you want that on your conscience?


That's ridiculous! Why do you try to guilt trip her so??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because abused women will often stay even if they stand there and watch their own kids get beaten, just because the woman's too weak to leave. I don't want her to stay when something bad might happen.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

She won't leave because someone guilt trips her!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you have anyone who could help you by purchasing cameras that you could hide so that you could document the abuse? If you have this on camera, you could prove the abuse. It is time to ask for help from anyone who can assist you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

turnera said:


> Because abused women will often stay even if they stand there and watch their own kids get beaten, just because the woman's too weak to leave. I don't want her to stay when something bad might happen.



True, the abuse I suffered cause me to attempt suicide. Even to this day, I do not see my mother as the protective parent. She has allowed too many years of my abuse to go on. Even though I understand the brain's changes when abuse is involved, nonetheless,there will always be a wedge between my mother and me.

A part of me will always blame her for not protecting me.

And that is why she needs to leave him. He will probably use the children against her. Unstable people will do dysfunctional things. If she wants her children to be healthy, she will find help and a way to leave. It is not just about her and what she wants or wishes will happen, but the development of her children will be affected by a role model like him, and her as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sandie said:


> That's ridiculous! Why do you try to guilt trip her so??


It's not a guilt trip. It is true.

My son's father was abusive. He would often physically attack me when I was carrying our son.

One of the things that woke me up was when a police officer and a counselor both told me that if our son was hurt when my husband was attacking me, they would take my son way from both of us. It would not matter that it was my husband who was doing the attacking. What would also matter is that I had not protected my son.

The OP has to know that this is how the courts think. If one of the children is hurt, even an unborn child.. she will be seen as a co-abuser.

She has to protect her children. That is her job as the parent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sandie said:


> She won't leave because someone guilt trips her!


See my above post. Her knowing how it will be viewed by the police and the courts could be what wakes her up.


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