# New Here and Looking For Advice



## WarEagle2219 (Dec 4, 2019)

My Ex-wife and I were together for 6 years married for 4+ and we have no kids together. 

We had a lot of struggles in our marriage. There were a lot of fights and tears. We would make up and move along. It would be fine for a while and then another big fight. Rinse-repeat. Without going into a ton of detail she began threading divorce. At first it was sporadic and then it became frequent. To be honest, I mostly ignored her tears and threats. I was just trying to piece the marriage together as best I could all the whole neglecting the things that were the real underlying issues. Until one day, I got tired of the constant threats of divorce and I called her bluff. I agreed for us to divorce. Rings came off and went into draws and we began drawing up the papers. Admittedly at this point I thought I was doing the right thing. Giving her what she wanted. I knew it was a mistake and subconsciously I think I always thought it wouldn’t ever happen. Well it did. 

We signed the papers and it was done a few weeks later. We were still living in the same house so it was still like we were married for the most part while going through the divorce. We watched tv and cooked and cleaned together. Just our normal routine and I think the actually reality of divorce snuck up on us when it was final and I had to leave. We have kept in touch. Talking almost daily if not daily through text. Sharing things that were going on in our jobs and lives just like we did when we were married. Nothing really changed except we weren’t together under the same roof. So a couple of weeks ago I asked her to go with me to a concert. There was a band playing that we both liked. I told her I had an extra ticket and it was hers if she wanted it. Clearly at this point I’m absolutely dying on the inside to see her and I’m praying that she’s going to accept the invitation. She tells me she’d like to go, but she’d have to let me know closer to the time of the concert. Her mother isn’t in good health and they have to take turns helping out with her. So Thanksgiving Day I hadn’t gotten an answer and the concert was the next day. So I sent her a text and ask if she was going to be able to go and she said that she would. 

So we met at the concert the following night (this past Friday). We came separately and I met her outside. As soon as I saw her I got that feeling like the first day I met her. It was 2013 again and the woman of my dreams had just walked up. She reached out and told me to give her hug which I quickly obliged. For the next 3-4 hours we drank and talked about everything under the sun except our issues. She caught me up on all the things that were going on with her and I did the same. It was again like we were dating again. There was the old us. Before the fighting, before the tears. Just two people that enjoyed each other’s company and there was no one else in the world except for us. By the end of the night we had both become fairly drunk. We agreed that I would ride with her in an Uber to help get her home safely and then I’d leave from there in the same Uber and head back to my hotel. When we got to her house she asked if I just wanted to stay there instead of taking an Uber to the hotel. She said we could sit and talk some more. 

I would have climbed on top of the house and jumped off face first if she’d have asked me to, so of course I accepted. We got inside and hadn’t been in there for 5 minutes and she grabbed me and started boo hoo crying. Which in turn made me start doing the same. It was like all of the emotion from our marriage and all of the emotion of our divorce was coming at all at one time. She just kept saying “what the hell are we doing” (in context she was talking about us being divorced) over and over and over. So we finally got ourselves somewhat back together and began talking about things between us and how sorry we were in the way that we treated each other and how awful this divorce although only a short time has been so terrible. We also had told each other how hard it was being divorced before this through text, but not to this extent. We did this for what was probably an hour or two. 

We ended up sleeping in the same bed and I won’t go through the details, but we did have sex. 

We slept right up under each other the whole night. It was probably the best night sleep I’ve had in months. The next morning wasn’t strange or awkward at all. We talked normally we were still cuddling in the bed. Normal stuff. The unfortunate part was I had to leave. I had tickets to a college football game on that Saturday afternoon. So without much time to talk about what we’d talked about the night before she was dropping me off at my hotel. I kissed her like we always used to and I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. 

We talked that day through text and the next day as well, but I could tell she was a little distant. She apologized a couple of times for getting so drunk on Friday. So Sunday afternoon it finally came. She said I feel really bad about what happened the other night. I didn’t intend for it to go that far (I didn’t either) the other night. My emotions are still really raw from all of this. I still love you, but I’m scared to death and I don’t want to hurt like I did before. So for now I need time to heal (I didn’t mention that she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer right at the time we divorced which is something I will never forgive myself for because I should have been there for her) and get my mind straight. Total punch in the gut for me. 

Obviously knew we had a hell of a lot to work out and that it wasn’t going to be easy and it would be foolish for us to just jump back into things full bore, but to hear her say that after what had just happened and the new fresh emotions I had broke me down. I was in a really good place mentally going into all of this, but I’ve lost some of that now. We actually even went to dinner together last night. I had some things that I had gotten her pre-Friday night that I needed to get to her and we talked for a while (not about what happened) and then went to dinner. After dinner she reiterated that she wasn’t ready for all of this yet and we would just have to keep our contact at a distance for now. Just basically phone and text and that she didn’t want to discuss the failures of our marriage. She just wanted to keep it light. Again another punch to the gut. I’m once again totally emotionally invested again. She just said it’s going to take time. 

So my questions are what does all of this mean? What does her even accepting my invitation to the concert mean? What happened after the concert when she poured her heart out to me? (Alcohol brings the truth out and she was 100% sincere. I know her well enough to know that.) How do I handle the situation going forward? I don’t want to be too pushy, but I want her to know that I’m serious about this and serious about changing. I’ve already made an appointment to see somebody about depression issues that she swore I had and I started to agree with her on. I also gave her a rundown of all the self reflection I’ve done over the last several months that we’ve been divorced and what I knew I did wrong in our marriage. I’m just about every emotion you could be right now. Anyway thanks for reading. I know this is super long, but I wanted to give as much detail as possible. Thanks.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Presuming she is not a Bama fan, it is a shame y'all didn't communicate better before finalizing the divorce and without drinking too much to release inhibitions. Perhaps couples counseling would help both of you to say the things you can't seem to say and to examine emotions and future possibilities. 

You can learn how to fight fairly. How to handle to tough times as well as the good times.

BTW: throat cancer is a big deal. Even in the process of divorce, you could have been there for her. Why does she think you are depressed?

Maybe it is just me, but when you mostly ignored threats and tears, it suggests you don't do well with what some folks would call 'drama.' You talk about her boo-hooing? Is demonstrating emotion scary to you? You feel 'punched in the gut', but don't talk about it.

Just some things to consider. You are wise to seek help. Did i miss how long the divorce has been final?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Some people are meant to be best as friends ......who maybe sometimes have sex.

Lets be honest .... the 2 of you had years to work on the relationship when you were together. It just didn't work out.

Maybe the two of you are really young ?? I say that because just like @sunsetmist is saying .... y'all have communication difficulty (lacking maturity) 

On a side note but maybe not so nice ..... maybe she is just tooling you around to pull your strings. Sounds like you are openly admitting to her you want her back and she isn't doing the same.
I could be wrong .... just throwing it out there.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm taking it that IC or MC was not a part of your marital or post-marital regimen?*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How can I write this clearly?

Let me do an analogy. 

There were two people, not truly owning their circumstances, nor their fates. 
And not really realizing this. 

So few can, this, do.

Two people, a man and a women getting together, falling in love in the midst of a virtual thunderstorm. They were continually distracted by things, 'felt' outside their control. 

Things and happenings, not really their doing. Yet, they were certainly, each, part of their own doings. 
With subconscious acts done, mostly. 

Fate acts. 
Its motion moves through this, our matter of life. 
We are this collection of molecules, we propel ourselves and are propelled, spelled by those outer matters.


Yes, outside influences are/were present, they always are. 
We are not separate from those things in our environmental bubble.

......................................................................................


Back to you, OP:

Your' getting depressed, her body breaking down, getting sick. 
Those things are part of that storm that you two endured. And still endure.

It was part of this, your' storms cycle that you two witnessed, no, that you both, yes, so endured. 

And, continue to do so.

You two are weaker magnets, being dragged apart by, yet stronger forces about you.

They have not passed, those whipping winds.

You two put the blame on each other for that storm that swirled about you. 

Ah, you both saw and felt the storm and your reaction was to split apart. To get away from that which you both felt was the A-priory cause. 
But, I tell you it was not quite.....that.

.........................................................................

Yes, each of you took part in that storm.. with yourselves and nearby others.
You split, the storm never quite left. It was, is still evident.

I ask you, I ask all, are these two not meant for each other? 
Was this, their fate, The Collective Fate, merely pointing this out?

These two lovers may be right for each other, oh my, they just not right for the Primal Fates ultimate plot. 

With this end state, proof of their joined fate, fighting back?

............................................................................................

Then again, there may be no others for them, those meeting, that just right condition.

My advice?

Open your eyes to what I proffer here.

Fight back, hold high your head, curse at this Fate which agitates and crushes the both of you. 
Make the best of the unkind stew offered up. 

We are all this, with us in this, half blind, mindless state, our owning a rather unique set of memories, and having a preset reactions to stimuli. 

We are trapped in a dream. Most never wake to it.

........................................................................

These two thrashed about, had these night sweats, not opening their eyes to what daylight would reveal as, really, this reaction to stimuli.

Reacting to stimuli employing the bodily vessel that was given to them at birth.

And using the memories and natural teachings, in doing so.


These two still blame each other, and yes, themselves.

These two need to take charge of this ill fate of theirs. 

Once done, the sickness and the depression will lift, it will never be held at bay.
Unless, unless that is the plan.

Likely, rarely fades to nothing.

Make the best of what was given.

It was as if they were slowly lead to this outcome. 
Oh, they were.

Hmm, yes, I believe this to be so.



SunCMars-


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

In a odd way l think you are both drowning, and grabbing at anything to keep afloat. Is this bad? IDK but the same issues are going to arise, and just like grasping at straws, sometimes you get the one you want. But the next time you have to grab a straw, it the short end of the stick. Your XW already knows this and has pulling the rein's back. 

This may go nowhere but you will take it and be thankful for the time and sex. You both crossed a line that should have not been crossed. So now there are no boundaries she or you to follow. You both pigheaded and stubborn. That's why you are in the daze of separation. Your X knows that there is someone out there who will not act like you. And is filling her idle time with you.

And will open herself up to another who is slightly different than you. But typically they find another person who just happens to be like you. So in the end you are still going to be the same people as before. But without the ability to work things out you both jump ship, Who's left to turn the boat around to pick you both up?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If it didn't work out the first time, why would it work out now?

You two have feelings for each other, but feelings alone don't sustain a marriage. A marriage in times of trouble take work. You two didn't take the time to do the work. 

If you want a try at this, you need to go at it slow. Therapy is a must. 

Fools rush in comes to mind. You rushed splitting up, you want to rush giving this another try. 

Learn from your past mistakes, to have a better chance at making it in the future.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Once the garbage has been thrown out, don't go picking through it. The garbage, once thrown out, is never as valuable as you might have thought it was. Allow it to be hauled away.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Did either or both of you have individual or marriage counseling while you were married? What about after the divorce?

It struck me that the two of you cried about how hard divorce was but neither of you talked about the problems that brought about the divorce. If that continues, you will both end up mad at each other again and wanting to be apart because of it.

You both need to learn how to communicate better, especially when there is conflict,

You might think about establishing a boundary with her that includes weekly counseling (together) to work on the past problems if you are going to remain friends in the future. Especially if you are going to be more than friends.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Your story makes my heart hurt. How sad!

I would be very fully honest and open with her about what YOU want. Tell her all you are saying here, and that you want to get back together and that when she says text only, it makes you feel the way it does. Lay it all out there. Then tell her to take some time and think about it. Who knows, maybe it’s what she wants to hear. She may want to know you are very serious about this.

Then, if she doesn’t reciprocate, it is probably time to move on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If it didn't work out before, it won't work out now - unless something changes.

That could be her idea of what she wants, your idea of what you want, or a new relationship dynamic. Or whatever.

But if you can't do the same thing again and expect a different result.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@WarEagle2219 I agree that counselling both as individuals and as a couple, would be potentially very helpful.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Sometimes you can love someone desperately and its not enough to make a marriage work.
You still care for each other, and maybe keep “touching base” to make sure the decision to separate was the right one.
Marduk is right, nothing changes until something changes.
Maybe you should determine what YOU want from this situation and try not to be so reactionary to her. Then state that.
I agree counselling would help, even if just to put this to rest.
Sorry this is happening.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@WarEagle2219 How's it going?


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