# Too Little, Too Late



## happed (Apr 28, 2012)

Hello, this is my first post on this site, sucks that it has to be in this forum, instead of the marriage is great forum. 

here is the nitty gritty of my situation. My wife left me a week ago, yesterday. She got her parents to come up, and pack her things up, and they took her and my 9 month old daughter back to their house a few states over.

I have been alone for one week, and i know its only been a week, but i miss her horribly. I am numb about it right now.

we have been together for 5 and a half years. I have lied from the beginning with her, trying to make myself look better, or to avoid arguments with her. Also i became addicted to a few online games, and my playstation 3. I neglected her, physically, not wanting to spend time with her, mentally, when i didnt really listen, and heaven forbid i have to pause my game to do that, spiritually when i didn't pray with her, go to church with her. i treated her like a maid, that would clean my house, and i didnt lift a finger to help her. Lastly, i would not be bothered with helping her out with my daughter. agian, my priorities were all wrong. 

It took her leaving me to see this. She has said that we are done. She is done taking my crap, and so while her mother was here visiting us, and playing with my daughter, my wife opened up to her, and told her everything. they decided that it would be better to rent a pensky truck (uhaul) and get her out of here.

It took me hitting that wall full speed to open my eyes to my problems. it drug me so low, that i attempted to kill myself over losing her. i was placed in a mental health ward for a few days, and was diagnosed with adjustment disorder with mild to major depression.

i am now seeking treatment, and i still want to work it out. i know she said she is done, but there are things we havent tried, like talking to a MC, or professional.


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## profos (Apr 19, 2012)

Sometimes they arent really done.

Maybe she'll have second thoughts about it.

Meanwhile, work on yourself, it's obvious that you've got a lot of catching up to do.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Thats a tough one man. I can say that you've got to work on being the best you. This means you need to be healthy and alive. I don't want to sound cold but it's not attractive for a woman when someone can't keep it together.

You have a huge oppertunity here to really grow as an individual. She presumably won't be seeing you for some time. Now is the time to kick it into high gear and get yourself in a good place. Excerise, socialize just really work on walking away from videogames/computer entertainment. I love to play games too but honestly it was always about my wife first. School helped me stay clear of playing too much (it's easy to do). 

You should keep a journal too. Help vent out thoughts and feeling in a way that allows you to re-read what you were feeling and thinking and can help you evaluate yourself. It's helped me quite a bit and keeps me thinking clearly. 

Most importantly if you feel like giving up in general FIND A FRIEND. Don't spend all your time home and alone. Don't drink, at least excessively. You got to keep yourself busy and work on staying healthy and avoid sinking into negative spaces. It's easier alone than in company. 

Hang in there and hopefully your family can be reunited.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Happed,

The way you were.. the games, ignoring her, etc... sounds just like my husband. I made the mistake of letting it go on for 10 years. I tried to get him to change. Since I did not take a hard enough stance he never did. I divorced him in March.

One part of me does not feel sorry for you at all. What you did is emotional abuse. She was right to leave you.

So you are now suddenly seeing the light. Such revelations seldom bring on real change in a person.. it might for a few days/weeks... but not permanent change. The fear your wife will have is that as soon as she comes back, you will go back to being the way you were before.. playing games, ignoring her needs, not helping with your child. She has a real reason to be concerned that you cannot/will not change.

It will take a lot for you to really change permanently and it will take her a lot longer to trust that you can/did change.

The game playing is a form of escapism. It’s right up there with smoking pot and drinking. It causes good brain chemicals to be produced and thus makes you feel good. It’s hard to give up those good brain chemicals.

What are you going to do besides just saying that you are not shocked/scared straight? Are you going to go to counseling? How are you going to help her with your child now that she is gone? What are you going to do to make her feel loved?


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

> So you are now suddenly seeing the light. *Such revelations seldom bring on real change in a person.. it might for a few days/weeks... but not permanent change. *The fear your wife will have is that as soon as she comes back, you will go back to being the way you were before.. playing games, ignoring her needs, not helping with your child. She has a real reason to be concerned that you cannot/will not change.
> 
> It will take a lot for you to really change permanently and it will take her a lot longer to trust that you can/did change.


I don't have any hard evidence to back this up, but in my case and many others that I have read on this forum (and divorce busting) the change after the wake up call is in fact real and permanent. Even if elegirl is right, if you want the marriage to work, you be the rare exception that makes it permanent. Understand that it may take some time to prove it to your wife or that it may just be too late, but make those changes because they are the right thing to do for BOTH your marriage and yourself. You will always have to live with the fact that you didn't do it all along (although there are very few one way streets in divorce), but do it now so you can live the rest of your life knowing you legitimately tried and as a better person. Good luck.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

i agree w/ a lot of what elegirl says. these are the exact reasons why my stbxw doesn't feel like she needs or wants to give me a chance to show that i've changed. too many years of seeing the same behavior and lack of trust that any change is permanent or really who i am. 

but i also agree w/ njdad that alot of times, a REAL wake-up call (a legit threat of divorce or an actual divorce) is exactly the type of event that causes permanent change. that's why divorced spouses can sometimes be the best spouses in their next marriage. i just wish my stbxw would realize that if we really divorce, the best 'me' will be all for someone else's benefit, when i really wish i could be the better person for her and noone else.


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## happed (Apr 28, 2012)

First off, thank you all for your responses.
i didnt notice that i was getting comments on here, and havent looked at it, in several days. I have more news on my situation, an update. 
I took Leave (military vacation time) and drove down to my home state, headed to the local AFB for legal advice. While i didnt get any legal advice from them, i decided to try to "enjoy the rest of my leave", and go and visit family. i even got a meeting set up between my wife and myself, and her parents. I saw them all today. I got to see my daughter (she had forgotten all about me) and talk about seperation agreements, and what we wanted to do. My wife made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. Her parents have told me, that even if my wife decided to take me back, they would never allow it to happen. We talked about custody (she wants primary custody, and i get visitation rights), money, and how much she should be getting, and how much my daughter is going to get. once we got the legalities out of the way, they left. Nothing more to say about that. I admit that i messed up, and that there is nothing i can do about it, but i cant give up. 

@elegirl- Firstly, i agree with alot of what you said. i have begun going to Counseling, and am scheduled to take a personality test with the local mental health. I have been talking with my Chaplin (military pastor) and he is guiding me religiously. the only thing i can do to help her with the baby, right now, is just send her money, and items that may help her out, but I wish i could help her more. Lastly, i have been calling her (she doesnt keep her phone on so i cant talk to her.) All my phone calls to her parents phones, are screened. They wont talk to me unless they need something.
@njdad, and @gear1903- i believe that this is permenant change, and something that i will get to. I have gotten rid of my games, uninstalled and unsubscribed. ive given away my PS3, TV, Sound system, and i plan on destroying my laptop with something heavy very soon. I might even put pictures up of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Make sure you see an attorney and/or find out your state guidelines for child support and spousal support.

Since the two of you were married only 5 years there will most likely be no spousal support. 

I find it interesting and disturbing that you are negotiating your divorce settlement with her parents. Huge warning sign there. They are way to injected into all of this. 

I am wondering if you are thinking of throwing money at her thinking that this will win her back. I doubt it will. This is not a good idea.


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## happed (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I am wondering if you are thinking of throwing money at her thinking that this will win her back. I doubt it will. This is not a good idea.


the only time she has contacted me (through her dad) is for money. will it fix anything? i dont think so. She (and her parents) has made it abundantly clear that there is no coming back.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Happed,
Fellow active duty sailor here. I agree with Elegirl in what she is saying. Her parents are WAY too involved. Tell them to get the he!! of out the picture and that you will negotiate everything with your wife. Why are you not going for primary custody of your daughter? You are a fit parent right? I am active duty and a single parent to 3 girls. You can do it. PM me if you need military specific advice. 
As for a settlement, no spousal support. Spousal support is immoral as we are all adults capable of making our own living. If you agree to give her primary custody, then yes you will pay child support which you should do. I would negotitate for 50/50 while you are not deployed with no child support and her with temporary custody while you are deployed and then you will pay child support as you won't need the money anyway since you are deployed. I don't know your circumstances but do not be passive and get taken to the cleaners and tell her parents to mind their own business and stop trying to run their daughter's life.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I respectfully disagree with Married in VA. 50/50 custody creates ping-pong kids who don't truly feel like they belong in one place. It almost splits their personality. Therefore, if you really love your daughter be in her life often, but let her have a primary residency. As for the parents, yes they are involved, but who else is going to help this woman if not her parents? They are trying to protect her. You said you know you messed up. Try to be a good dad now, help her out financially, be in your daughter's life. I say try to be the best parent team with your stbxw. Focus on the child. Her needs. Not yours. 50/50 is painful for children. My best friend did that..... her boy had lots of problems. Finally the dad let off and did a 85/15 custody (every other weekend) and the son is now thriving. Think of the child first


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@Honeystly,
Each situation is different. I like 50/50 because each parent should spend as much time with their children as they can. Yes, logistics may be a little tough sometimes but that can be overcome. I could never imagine being relagated to an "every other weekend" parent who just pays child support. We had that precedent here in America at one time and we now have a lost generation of single parent kids. I am in the military and once they leave their single parent homes, I get to deal with the mess when they are young adults. Again, to each their own and what works, well works.


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## _meganORSI__ (Nov 19, 2015)

happed said:


> we have been together for 5 and a half years. I have lied from the beginning with her, trying to make myself look better, or to avoid arguments with her. Also i became addicted to a few online games, and my playstation 3. I neglected her, physically, not wanting to spend time with her, mentally, when i didnt really listen, and heaven forbid i have to pause my game to do that, spiritually when i didn't pray with her, go to church with her. i treated her like a maid, that would clean my house, and i didnt lift a finger to help her. Lastly, i would not be bothered with helping her out with my daughter. agian, my priorities were all wrong.
> 
> It took her leaving me to see this.


 @happed I have to say, this sounds a LOT like my husband - who I've recently considered leaving. We've known each other for 13 years, and just had our 6 year wedding anniversary. We have two young boys; an almost 5yo and an almost 2yo. He NEVER helped me around the house, never asked if he could do anything for me, never did ANY of the adult responsibilities around the house (besides trash and cutting the lawn). I couldn't ask him any questions while he was playing games - it often ended with him staring at the screen, and me waiting for an answer. I have to be honest, I have little guilt for you in that respect. As a women, who's also the breadwinner, and a mother, it's extremely frustrating,and exhausting to have a husband as selfish as one who can't be bothered to help his wife.

I was 90/10 in favor of leaving. I was ready. When he found this out, he broke down. Told me he would get rid of all his gaming equipment, that _he would do anything_. He's in therapy, and I just decided to give him one last chance.

All I can say, is stick with therapy. If this relationship doesn't work out for you, then you could make an awesome husband to another woman. Please, please, learn from these mistakes, and apply those learnings into your next relationship. I don't agree with how's she's handling things, though. Having her parents fight her battles seems a little strange, and it doesn't sound like they're treating you with much respect. But, please, please, continue with therapy, and learn to contribute around the household. That doesn't mean you have to give up the things you love to do. It just means finding the right time to do them... like after the dishes are done, and the kids are bathed and in bed ;-)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happed said:


> Hello, this is my first post on this site, sucks that it has to be in this forum, instead of the marriage is great forum.
> 
> here is the nitty gritty of my situation. My wife left me a week ago, yesterday. She got her parents to come up, and pack her things up, and they took her and my 9 month old daughter back to their house a few states over.
> 
> ...


So have you sold your consoles, gaming computers, video games, accessories, etc yet?

ETA: Just read your latest update. Stop giving away and destroying things; sell them instead and either send the money to your wife to help w/ your daughter's expenses or save it for an attorney.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Zombie thread.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It's a tough way to learn a lesson. Men have to grow up and put away the little boys toys.

You are probably done. If I were her I'd never look back.

Maybe you can grow up now and make a life with someone else.


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