# From the beginning



## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I could probably write a novel, but I will try to condense it.
MY STBXH and I met in 7th grade, been friends for over 20 years when we started dating. We were both 37 when we married and it was a 1st marriage for both of us. No children.

My H has a lot of health problems both physical and mental and both real and imaginary. The one real for sure problem he has is degenerative disk disease in his back. According to his chiropractor it is not all that bad, but he takes prescription pain meds 24/7 and has for about 8 years. He does nothing else to help this problem but take drugs. He will not consider any other treatments. For the last 5 years he has been on multiple anti-psychotic drugs. So at this point he is almost incoherent most of the time. Most people's reaction to meeting or seeing him is what is wrong with him. He is in total denial about is drug addiction- he claims they do not affect him.

I don't know how I missed it the 5 years we dated but he suffers from depression. My best guess is that he was able to hide it because he was going to college and would stay away and claim to be studying.

I believe it was in our 3rd year of marriage that he came down with mono. He was off work for 12 weeks. Ever since then it has been one ailment after another. I have paid for countless MRis, ct scans, ultra sounds, heart caths, etc. and no problems have been found other than the back trouble. 

He has been in therapy since 2008. We started with him in IC and both of us in MC, until the therapist told me that I really didn't need therapy and that insurance would only pay for so many visits and asked if I would give up my sessions so he could go twice as often. She thought he needed to do a lot of work before MC would do any good.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> I could probably write a novel, but I will try to condense it.
> MY STBXH and I met in 7th grade, been friends for over 20 years when we started dating. We were both 37 when we married and it was a 1st marriage for both of us. No children.
> 
> My H has a lot of health problems both physical and mental and both real and imaginary. The one real for sure problem he has is degenerative disk disease in his back. According to his chiropractor it is not all that bad, but he takes prescription pain meds 24/7 and has for about 8 years. He does nothing else to help this problem but take drugs. He will not consider any other treatments. For the last 5 years he has been on multiple anti-psychotic drugs. So at this point he is almost incoherent most of the time. Most people's reaction to meeting or seeing him is what is wrong with him. He is in total denial about is drug addiction- he claims they do not affect him.
> ...


Jaz,

I'm a pharmacist. So, feel free to PM me about medications and what-not, if you have questions.

But, for the purposes of your thread, tell me what his childhood was like. How about yours?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

From the very beginning, he would not help make any decisions. It was always, "Whatever you want." I thought he was being sweet and letting me have my way, but soon I realized that he just could not or would not make a decision. He was content to leave everything up to me. So much for having a life partner. 

Then he started sleeping all the time. I remember telling him that one day he was going to wake up and realize that he had slept his life away. I am a craft person so I kept myself occupied with my hobbies - staying at home like I thought a dutiful wife should. Don't get me wrong I have worked since I was 14, fulltime since I graduated college in 1985.

In the beginning when we disagreed, I would usually try to smooth things over and give in (enabling). If it was something that was important to me I would try to come up a compromise, but he never would go for the compromise. I eventually figured out that he liked being the martyr - he would complain to his family, his co-workers, my mother and his therapist that I was so mean to him and everything had to be my way.

From the beginning, I felt that he was emotionally unavailable and that he ignored me most of the time because he was sleeping. He never wanted to do anything because he always felt so bad. Except when it came to going to his mothers house with his siblings and nieces and nephews. I got along with his family and didn't have a problem going out there (several times a month) until it became the only thing we ever did. When we did do something with my family, it made it a miserable experience for me. He would sit, looking like he was about to die and not talk to anyone. If one of my relatives managed to engage him in a conversation it would wind up being about his ailments. Anyway. I tried to make the best of it because I was on that sympathy train. After all I had taken vows - for better or for worse.

Now to be perfectly honest, he probably would say that the first 8 years of our marriage were good. To him the problems started at the beginning of 2007 when my brother and I started a business. That was the first time I was really stressed. And believe me I was shocked at the reaction I got. He was angry that I had the nerve to be stressed that was reserved for him. I was to be happy and in a good mood at all times.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In other words, he was unable/unwilling to carry his weather with him.

When we speak of staying @50,000 feet and observing, we can observe that our partner is in a bad mood and/or a funk.

We are also capable of realizing that it is our partner's duty to shepherd their own moods and happiness. And, that their bad mood is not about us. It's a statement about them.

Did his depression worsen from 2007 forward?

It sounds like the more you "compromised", the more he demanded. Would you say that's accurate?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

During the last 5 years of our marriage (we separated in March 2012), we argued a lot but only about a few different subjects.

The worst of which was about sleep. Once he started taking the pain pills, he began falling asleep with a lit cigarette - not just once in a while but multiple times a day. I was terrified that I was going to wake up some night surrounded by flames as my house burned to the ground. That along with the stress of starting a business caused me to have problems sleeping. It became impossible to sleep with him because of his snoring and moving around in bed. It started with us going to bed together and then me moving to the couch when I could not go back to sleep. This greatly upset him, he wanted to sleep with his wife. So we got him a C-PAP machine to help with the snoring but it was uncomfortable so he wouldn't use it. He also showed no consideration to me, I would be asleep and he would come in and sit on the bed and take his socks off then his pants, then put his pjs on, all the while I on the other side of the bed bouncing up and down. I put a chair next the bed so he sit on it but no, he piled clothes on it and never once used it. I finally just quit trying to sleep in our bed. We lived in a tiny one bedroom house so the only other place to sleep was in the living room on an air mattress. 

But he insisted on setting his alarm for at least 2 hours earlier than he needed to. He would get his coffee, wake me up and tell to go to the bedroom, sit on the couch, light a cigarette and sleep for 2 hours. Seldomly could I go back to sleep. Finally, one morning I said that I couldn't deal with this anymore. I meant his waking me up at 4 in the morning, he thought I meant sleeping on the air mattress so he insisted that I take the bed and he would sleep in the living room. I told him that after a couple of months we would switch back and forth but he would never switch. By then he had told everyone that I made him sleep on the floor like a dog. His mom and step dad even bought him a Lazy Boy recliner to sleep in. He never did.

Anyway he constantly complained that he wanted to sleep with his wife. I would ask about his C-PAP, no he couldn't use it, it was too uncomfortable. I would ask him to use the chair, no he could't because it had clothes on it. Then I would ask him what I was supposed to do when I could not sleep because of his snoring and his answer was to just lay there and listen to him because he wanted to sleep with his wife. 

The next thing we argued about was his falling asleep with a lit cigarette. I tried to get him to go outside and smoke but we don't have a garage so he couldn't be inconvenienced when it was too hot or too cold. So then I told him to stand up while he smoked- walk around if he needed to, but he wouldn't do that either. He thought i should just deal with it because in his eyes he couldn't help it. In my eyes, he didn't care if I burned to death or not. If we were sitting on the couch and he dropped one, i would call his name to wake him up and he would either tell me he wasn't asleep or get mad that I was nagging him about it. I didn't know what else I could do, I didn't yell, I didn't go on about it, I simply called his name to wake him up. I refused to just sit there and wait for the flames. 

We did not argue about money even though he was putting us in the poor house, because he refused to discuss it. He was too fragile and it might push him over the edge.Bills were always last on his priority list so it was up to me to figure out to make ends meet. Yes I know I was enabling him.

Lastly was our sex life. It dwindled as our relationship dwindled, until if finally became non-existent. His ignoring me the majority of the time, being emotionally unavailable, not supporting me when I was stressed, and feeling like he didn't care if he burned me up killed my libido. And somewhere along the way he decided that initiating sex was solely my responsibility. Made sense to him because every other aspect of our lives was solely my responsibility.I was supposed to read his mind and know when he felt too bad for sex and when he felt bad but could drug himself up enough to have sex with me. Then the impotence started and that just became more than I could deal with. Not the impotence itself but the way he handled it. The fits he would throw and acting like it was my fault. If I tried to discuss it, he responded with "how dare you bring that up." I ended up telling him that if wanted sex, he would have to initiate it because I was done trying to figure out what he wanted. I had begged through the years for a little romance, to be treated like a lady, hell just to get a little attention and I got nothing. Before we were married he was very romantic.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jaz,

When you laid down a boundary about what was unacceptable to you, how did you enforce it?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

During those last 5 years, my home life consisted of me working 10-14 hours a day and him working 8 hour days. Coming home to him asleep on the couch, getting irritated when i came in because it woke him up. Then he would go into the kitchen and start dinner. He insisted on cooking and would not let me help. He almost never spoke to me. I would say hello, how are you and no response, he would just walk off. After dinner he would either fall asleep on the couch or go outside and chain smoke. Most nights the only words spoken after dinner was when I told him I was going to bed.

He would sleep all day Saturday, getting up 7-8 for dinner. He would gripe at me for letting him sleep so late, but if I tried to wake him up, then he was mad that I woke him up. I couldn't win. Then he would sleep half the day on Sunday, getting up in time to get his chores done. Getting mad that he had to rush to get stuff done before time to go to bed. 

The only thing we did was go out to his parents house. They live on a private lake and his siblings had a lot of gatherings. Any time I asked to go do something else, he felt too bad. On Christmas and Thanksgiving, we would normally go to his parents first and he would be fine, upbeat and having a good time. Then when we got to my mom's house, he felt bad, had taken his drugs and fell asleep. 

The last two summers I did get him to go play golf with my brother and his son until he keyed a Mercedes, belonging to an acquaintance of my nephews, because he was mad about his golf game went. That pretty much killed any desire they had to go golfing with him. Plus my nephew started college and didn't have the time, nor my brother the money. LOL

I admit that the last 2 years, I had gotten off the sympathy train and became progressively more resentful. All I ever got out of him was that it was just the way he was and he couldn't help it because he grew up without a father. He thought that that justified his behavior. He told me one day that it gave him the right to treat others (mainly his co-workers) like crap and they had no right to get mad at him or hold it against him.

Then, in Aug 2011 he got suspended from his job. He was told that he could not return without a note from his psychiatrist. She made him go though a 30 day-day treatment program. I went to one session with him, and when we first walked in his therapist said that he sucked all the happiness and joy out of a room when he walked in. During the session, he tried to deny everything that I said, but his therapist called him on it and he would eventually come clean. Anyway he got his release and faxed it to his work. A couple of days went by and no word, so he called the HR dept and they told him someone would call him back. The big boss called him that afternoon and told him that he could either resign or they would start termination proceedings on him. He refused to resign so they started putting their case together. About a month and a half later they sent him a large package of the exhibits to be used in his termination hearing and he resigned first thing the next morning.
All this time he swore that they had no grounds to terminate him. 

Now in his spare time (all day, everyday) he thought the thing to do was to spend an hour or two looking for a job and the rest of his time and money that we did not have on marital affair websites-begging strangers for sex. He refused to discuss our financial situation except to tell me to cut out Netflix and my midnight snacks. I was trying to figure out how we were going to make it with a more than 50% reduction in our income, silly me. During this time, his stepfather passed away, so he started spending the weekends at his mother's. She was retired, he wasn't working but he had to spend all day Sat and Sun at her house. 

In late Jan 2012, we got into it one day and he brought up that I had quit going to MC and the whole blame shifting crap. I reminded him that I was aked to stop coming to MC. Anyway I thought about it all week and decided to give it one last try, so I showed up at his counseling session. He saw my vehicle and wouldn't even come inside until I went out and got him. We both let it rip during that session but left on fair terms, I thought. He at least had said that he was going to stop lying to me and me saying that I would try to work on my resentful attitude. A couple of hours after we got home, I went to bed only to wake to go to the bathroom and find that he was back on his websites talking to other women. Since i had to get up at 5 in the morning I decided to just go back to bed and bring it up the next night, which happened to be Friday. 

He spent most of the evening outside smoking and came in about the time he knew I would be going to bed and got on the computer. I told him I was going to be so he could get back on websites. His response once first to deny, then to lie, then to become outraged that I brought it up. He event tried to tell me that the therapist had told me to trust him. He started packing his clothes and his pharmacy. I took his house key and told him he would not get back into my house (it is my separate property, something I had never brought up before).

The following Monday I told my attorney to draw up the papers and file. He tried to get back into the house and when he couldn't he came to my business, screaming at me "I can't believe you did that." I followed him to the house so he could get more clothes and he yelled at me the entire time. Told me he had decided that he was going to stop lying to me and stop going to those websites because his mother's computer was broke and the computers at the library had filters on them. Convincing right??

The problem was that after he left that night Iused his login on our computer and found that he had stayed logged into to his email accounts, yes the one I knew about and his secret one. Those lead me to emails that got me into his accounts on at least some of his sex websites, so I could see what he had been doing and read his convos with these other women. He had been on there the entire weekend. That was in Feb 2012 and we have had very little contact since then.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

His father left when he was 2 or 3. He has 3 older siblings, 2 sisters and one brother. After his dad left, his grandparents filled in the best they could. His mother worked a great deal to raise 4 children on her own. He was left unsupervised a lot. We lived in a small, afluent town right outside the big city. He was into drugs in his teen years. When he was 15, his mother remarried a wonderful man, whom he loved very much. They had a wonderful relationship. He is very close to his mother.

My dad died when I was three. I have a brother 5 years older than me, a half brother 19 years older and a step brother 14 years older. My mother remarried when i was 7. He was a good man but was a functioning alcoholic. He stopped drinking when i was 16. He was very angry when he was drunk but I was never the recipient of his anger as I was his little princess but he and my brother fought all the time. Financially we were better off than his family was.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> His father left when he was 2 or 3. He has 3 older siblings, 2 sisters and one brother. After his dad left, his grandparents filled in the best they could. His mother worked a great deal to raise 4 children on her own. He was left unsupervised a lot. We lived in a small, afluent town right outside the big city. He was into drugs in his teen years. When he was 15, his mother remarried a wonderful man, whom he loved very much. They had a wonderful relationship. He is very close to his mother.
> 
> My dad died when I was three. I have a brother 5 years older than me, a half brother 19 years older and a step brother 14 years older. My mother remarried when i was 7. He was a good man but was a functioning alcoholic. He stopped drinking when i was 16. He was very angry when he was drunk but I was never the recipient of his anger as I was his little princess but he and my brother fought all the time. Financially we were better off than his family was.


Would you say it's fair that you learned to subordinate your needs to others... because you were the steady one?

Is it possible you learned that putting your needs aside to fulfill the needs of others would earn you love?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Jaz,
> 
> When you laid down a boundary about what was unacceptable to you, how did you enforce it?


Not sure that I ever did enforce any boundaries. It always seemed that when things were coming to a head, he would come down with another ailment and then we were right back to the sympathy again. And it was always in the back of my mind that if I pushed too hard, I might push him over the edge. And being a woman of my age, I was raised that for better or for worse and in sickness and in health actually meant something and it was my duty as a wife to stand behiind him. He had mental health issues and phsyical health issues. I guess I never knew when it was ok to lay down boundaries and when i was just supposed to suck it up and be the good little wife. That is why this is all so confusing. I can't afford counseling so I am on here trying to learn and grow. 

When i try to figure out how I should have handled things differently, I recognize that I enabled a lot of his behavior, but I can't seem to figure out how to get through to someone who refuses to admit there is a problem or that says its just the way he is and he can't help it because he grew up without a father or that claims that anything you say to him is mean and uncalled for and you are just trying to tear him down. The conclusion I keep coming to back to is that I should have gotten out sooner, but then I would have been breaking my vows. The cheating is what finally allowed me to file for divorce. 

I've looked at the personality disorders and he seems to have a little bit of all of them. His therapist called him arrogant one day and that surprised me, because he has very low self-esteem and I thought arrogant people had high self esteem, then I recently read a little about arrogance and learned that it fit him. 

I am extremely grateful to anyone who reads all this and tries to give me some perspective, especially Conrad.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> In other words, he was unable/unwilling to carry his weather with him.
> 
> When we speak of staying @50,000 feet and observing, we can observe that our partner is in a bad mood and/or a funk.
> 
> ...


Yes his depression got worse as time went by until he lost his job, then he seemed pretty carefree.

And yes I would say that is accurate. Nothing was ever enough.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Yes his depression got worse as time went by until he lost his job, then he seemed pretty carefree.
> 
> And yes I would say that is accurate. Nothing was ever enough.


And, you doubled-down... trying to make it right.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In retrospect... does it seem his "ailments" had "good timing"?

You are basically admitting they happened with regularity, and at a time when a decision was imminent.

Here's the thing.

You have never stood your ground.

What would happen if you actually do?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey lj, I made a comment on another thread cuz I was confused and you replied and it sounde like you were pissed...I hope we're all good...cuz girl you gotta a lot of sh1t on your plate!

I only hope for the best, and from what I read so far and as painful as it is you have taken the step to move on.

Don't run away from something ...but run towards something cuz it ain't what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

the guy said:


> Hey lj, I made a comment on another thread cuz I was confused and you replied and it sounde like you were pissed...I hope we're all good...cuz girl you gotta a lot of sh1t on your plate!
> 
> I only hope for the best, and from what I read so far and as painful as it is you have taken the step to move on.
> 
> Don't run away from something ...but run towards something cuz it ain't what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


I'm a fan too.

Hang in there lj.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ Conrad, I want to give you a high five for taking your time out of your own life to help...you haven't been around as long as I have:lol::rofl: but you sure have posted enough times.

And Conrad since your xR guy set me up with some Viagra


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the threadjack...now it my bad


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Would you say it's fair that you learned to subordinate your needs to others... because you were the steady one?
> 
> Is it possible you learned that putting your needs aside to fulfill the needs of others would earn you love?


I don't know that I subordinate my needs to others, but I do feel that I have to always be in control of myself and my situation (as much as I can) because I am the steady one. I am not good at letting loose and having fun and I have a real problem with spontaneity. I like to plan things so that I know I am prepared and not because I had to be as a kid but because that is the way my parents were. Although i lived with a very angry and vocal alcoholic, my home life was not chaotic. My parents are from the greatest generation and lived through the great depression. They were extremely dependable and reliable. Always prepared for any situation, self-reliant.

My first instinct was to say no I don't think putting my needs aside will earn me love, but as I sit here thinking about it, maybe I have done that. I thought I was obligated to make things work no matter what he did and if that meant pushing my needs aside that is what I would do. But I still don't see that I did it to earn love, I thought i was doing it out of love.

Thank you, you certainly have given me something to think about. I am going to have to sign off for tonight. I hope we can continue this. I would like to take you up on your offer to PM you . I would like to get your take on the medications he was taking, but my list is at my office so I will have to wait until the morning.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> Sorry for the threadjack...now it my bad


No problem. I agree with you on the high five to Conrad and to all the other posters on here who give there time to help people like me. It is greatly appreciated.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> In retrospect... does it seem his "ailments" had "good timing"?
> 
> You are basically admitting they happened with regularity, and at a time when a decision was imminent.
> 
> ...


Yes, I am seeing that his ailments had good timing.

You are probably right about not standing my ground, but it is too late to see what would have happened if I did. The lying and cheating were the point of no return.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> Hey lj, I made a comment on another thread cuz I was confused and you replied and it sounde like you were pissed...I hope we're all good...cuz girl you gotta a lot of sh1t on your plate!
> 
> I only hope for the best, and from what I read so far and as painful as it is you have taken the step to move on.
> 
> Don't run away from something ...but run towards something cuz it ain't what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


We are good. I wasn't pissed just shocked at being accused of doing what had been done to me. We all get confused and make mistakes, it takes a lot more than that to get me pissed. 
And I thank you for your kind words. It really helps to have someone agree that I have a lot on my plate.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Yes, I am seeing that his ailments had good timing.
> 
> You are probably right about not standing my ground, but it is too late to see what would have happened if I did. The lying and cheating were the point of no return.


That's up to you. No one can take that from you.

I'm just curious what would happen if you set and enforced boundaries with him.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I'm betting many of these mystical, invisible 'ailments' would vanish. It's a miracle!!!

... but then it would be, "That mean Jaz is making me work even though I have severe health problems! I swear! You _must_ feel sorry for me!"

You are in good hands, Jaz. I don't think I've ever _read_ about a lazier, self-entitled, cheating, blame-shifting pos in my life. 

I have _lived_ with one, though. 

You have yourself a professional victim. They will do anything to get sympathy. It is the only thing they know. In my case, she was also the most vindictive person I've ever met. When I finally left, she would literally hurt herself a lot just to hurt me a little... then lie about that too, to get more sympathy. "Cut your nose off to spite your face" was said with such people in mind. Everything is someone else's fault - even things they do to themselves.

You can't keep enabling such behavior or it will continue forever... at the expense of your health and sanity. While I am sure he'd be okay with that... you won't.

Conrad will help you root out why you ever did. He's very good at seeing the heart of the matter.

I know the pain of trying to keep your vows in the face of such pain and treachery. For me, it was a relief when she released me from them. I was glad to _finally_ get away. Even when the vindictiveness started afterwards, I never looked back. I just stayed true to myself and knew that the true hell was behind me. 

We are all here for you and sorry you are going through this.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Thank you Honorbound. It is incredible how much it helps to have someone understand what you have been dealing with.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi Jazzy,

You certainly do have a lot on your plate. I believe you have handled your situation with honor and dignity and I admire you for that.

I'm curious about you and your husbands relationship before marriage. You say that you knew him for 20 years before marrying at 37.

How long were you dating, or "together", before tying the knot?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Now for the last part of my story-since I filed for divorce.

He has spent our entire retirement fund. Yes it was in his name and with his employer. But our plan was that since I worked (at that time) for a small company and later for myself that we would put as much as we could into his plan because they matched funds and then we set it up so that if he passed first I would still get the remainder of the fund. I explain this because on another forum I was accused of wanting to steal his money. He pissed away half of it and bought coins (he is a coin collector) with the other half. And now claims that he has given all his coins to his mother to help her pay her debts. Ironic that his mother was in so much debt that she needed my money, but she has not had the need to sell a single coin. And if she needed his financial support why not just give her the money - why buy the coins. By the way she owns 3 houses worth almost $750,000, has retirement income, receives social security and rental income.

He half ass answered our discovery. He claimed that the retirement fund had $0 in it when we separated and $300 at the time he was answering the discovery. We both owned houses free and clear when we got married, but in his eyes my house magically became marital property while his house remained his separate property. And he claims a 1/4 interest in my business and believes that it is worth some ungodly amount when in truth it is on the brink of bankruptcy.

He totally under declared and under valued his coin collection. He claimed that his entire coin collection was worth about half of what he had spent on it since we had separated.

He lied so much to his first attorney - that he gave me a settlement offer that basically said he got all the assets and I got all the debt. Of course, he did not mention the retirement fund in his offer. I guess he thought I had just forgot about it. We have more debt than assets. I responded with a reasonable offer (close to 50-50). Then when he met with his attorney to discuss my offer, and I assume that is when his attorney figured out how much he had lied. The meeting ended with his attorney signing a motion to withdraw from the case. But even that did not go off without a hitch because we had to have a hearing in front of the judge about it. Come to find out, my husband was objecting to it. He not only pissed his attorney off enough to quit, he wanted the judge to tell him he had to stay of the case.

I have filed 3 counts of contempt of court on him for defying the automatic temporary injunction that goes into effect when you file for divorce in my state.

He hired a new attorney in October and is lying to him. We have mediation set up for the end of Jan but our next court date is not until the end of June, 2 1/4 years after I filed.

Our first court date was in Feb 2013 and we let it pass because we were going to negotiate a settlement. We have not negotiated anything, so I got another court date in Nov 2013. Because of his attorney being new to the case and the court docket being overbooked, the judge granted him a continuance and the next open court date wasn't until June 2014. So here I sit in financial limbo wondering if I will ever manage to get divorced from him.

There you have it, this is the soap opera that is my life. I thank you so much for reading this nightmare and will be grateful for any insight you can give me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Now for the last part of my story-since I filed for divorce.
> 
> He has spent our entire retirement fund. Yes it was in his name and with his employer. But our plan was that since I worked (at that time) for a small company and later for myself that we would put as much as we could into his plan because they matched funds and then we set it up so that if he passed first I would still get the remainder of the fund. I explain this because on another forum I was accused of wanting to steal his money. He pissed away half of it and bought coins (he is a coin collector) with the other half. And now claims that he has given all his coins to his mother to help her pay her debts. Ironic that his mother was in so much debt that she needed my money, but she has not had the need to sell a single coin. And if she needed his financial support why not just give her the money - why buy the coins. By the way she owns 3 houses worth almost $750,000, has retirement income, receives social security and rental income.
> 
> ...


There's an old saying from the Talmud (a Jewish holy book). "Those who are merciful when they should be cruel will be cruel when they should be merciful"

That applies here.

Time to rip him apart. He's left you no other choice.

AND... as it unfolds, you must steel yourself and your resolve not to listen to his victim crapola.

There's been more than enough of that.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Hi Jazzy,
> 
> You certainly do have a lot on your plate. I believe you have handled your situation with honor and dignity and I admire you for that.
> 
> ...


We had a little puppy love thing in junior high but I wouldn't put out so we ended up just being friends. We were friends all the way through high school. Kinda of lost touch after high school and then ended up living on the same street about 12 years later. We dated for 5 years before we got married. I now see that he was able to hide his depression by studying. He started college about the same time that we started dating and I think whenever he was not doing well, he stayed away and claimed that he was studying. During the time we were dating, I don't remember him ever being sick or claiming all these ailments. That all seemed to start after we got married. The pastor who married us required that we have several counseling sessions with him and at the end he commented that we had certainly talked things out and were seemingly on the same page. He happily gave us his blessing.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad, I sent you a PM this morning.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Conrad, I sent you a PM this morning.


I have it.

I'm at work right now, and I want to give you a thoughtful reply.

So, it may take a bit.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I have it.
> 
> I'm at work right now, and I want to give you a thoughtful reply.
> 
> So, it may take a bit.


No problem, I just appreciate your time. Take all the time you want. I just wanted you to know it was there as I am not used to looking for them.


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