# Can't believe this is happening



## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

My H told me last week out of the blue that he wants a separation. He lost is job here 7 months ago, so I made the suggestion of having him go to NY (where we are originally from) to work. He did find a job and was living with my brother and father. Well it took over 6 months for him to get a job back home. He would come home once a month and it seemed to be working out, no major problems. We did have our fights while he was up there because he would go out alot. He was going out with my brother and his friends, which some were single women. There was one particular fight about a month ago, where he was out and ignoring my texts and we were supposed to skype when he got home, but he never did. I honestly do not think anything was going on because my brother was with him.
Things changed after that night. He didn't seem excited to be coming home for good after all that time. He was very cold towards me. I was so excited to finally have my H back, although I knew we had some things to work out.
When he finally returned, he went straight to our friends house in the neighborhood and didn't come home to see his family for almost 4 hrs. That was a Saturday night. Finally by Tuesday I said we have to talk because things were very strange. Well thats when he told me it wasnt working and he wants a separation. I begged and pleaded for counseling. He doesn't want it. He says he loves me and will support us (we have 2 teenage children). He needs to be "alone". 
We have been together for 22 years, and married for almost 18 years. I don't know how anyone can do this after investing all that time together. We didn't have the perfect marriage, and I admit I could have been more affectionate, but he had his faults too. I am so devasted I don't even want to get up in the morning. 
How do people cope with this? I am depressed and in shock. I loved him and thoguht we would grow old together. How can he do this to his family? We had our fights like every marriage and there has been some financial stresses lately.
I know you are probably thinking he's cheating, but I am not so sure. If he was cheating with someone in NY, why would he come back home? It's all such a mystery and I'm drained from trying to figure it out. I just can't believe he would do this. He's like a different person.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm really sorry you're going through this - my husband did exactly the same thing three weeks ago (followed the same pattern of detaching some time before, coming home hours later than expected, finding excuses to stay away, etc.) and we're already starting divorce proceedings. My thread is 'can't believe how quickly this has all happened' if you want to read my story

there's not much anyone can say right now that will make you feel better - I too thought that 13 years together as a real partnership was worth making at least one attempt to work things out but he doesn't want to know

The worst thing is feeling helpless and having no control over the situtation. Let yourself cry, speak to your friends and family, don't feel afraid to ask for help. It's a devastating thing to go through but reading the stories on here will help you see that you're not alone and give you good tips on how to handle your specific situation

from my perspective, because I was in total shock I was crying every time I saw him and people might say 'don't let him see how you're feeling'

but my daughter said to me 'stop worrying about how your feelings affect him mum, you've got a right to express them'

out of the mouths of babes, eh?

keep us updated - people on this forum are really helpful and supportive, we're all going through it!


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

I also wanted to add that what is most hurtful is that he tells me to go find someone that will make me happy and laugh. Seriously? Who says that to their wife of 18 years? It's like he lost all love for me. 
He has no family and really no friends. I don't know what he is thinking.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

oh yes I got that too - you need to be with someone who makes you happy, you're better off happy with someone else than miserable with me

it makes you think they are thinking of you when actually they are just thinking of themselves and trying to assuage the guilt


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Looks like you got another version of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "I don't want to be your spouse anymore". There's a very strong possibility of an affair with the way he acting but it's too soon to tell. Now there's nothing you can do but 180 immediately and give him space right now. He wan't to be single so give him too much space to miss what he took for granted. You're still in contact and have enough investment in each other that you can pull through.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

jenny123 said:


> I also wanted to add that what is most hurtful is that he tells me to go find someone that will make me happy and laugh. Seriously? Who says that to their wife of 18 years? It's like he lost all love for me.
> He has no family and really no friends. I don't know what he is thinking.


I think what's even worse is being the BS and hearing "you can go have sex with someone else if you want to", when you've been faithful the entire time. I mean honestly the same person who deleted every pretty girl from my online contacts and check my phone for sexting is now telling me to go boff some stranger to ease her own guilt about her EA She wishes I would sink that low. Funny thing is she's entirely too insecure and knows I could find a prettier girl. She is all over me the second I hint at moving on. 

It's really a control issue with wayward spouses laying down the rules for us knowing that we're not going to follow them. That blows up in their when we take that advice because they know we could do better and it scares them. The wayward spouse will keep us reeled in as a second option should other plans with the OM/OW or greener pastures not work out. And as soon as we let them know we're still in love they drop us for their origional plans. NO CHASE means NO ATTRACTION.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

jenny123 said:


> I also wanted to add that what is most hurtful is that he tells me to go find someone that will make me happy and laugh. Seriously? Who says that to their wife of 18 years? It's like he lost all love for me.
> He has no family and really no friends. I don't know what he is thinking.


Mine told me stuff like that... and that now I can move where ever I want (w/ kids in tow). I have been w/ him 27 yrs. 

If you haven't started IC and seen your doctor go... both will help! I waited much longer to go to the GP than I should have and may have made my life worse for 2 months because I tried to do it on my own.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

I am still a total mess and don't know where my life is going. He is looking for a place. It's so hard with him still in the house. Please tell me when it will get better. I can not wrap my head around this whole thing. How he can just delete me from his life after all this time??? I feel like I am worthless in his eyes. Now I am stuck here in NC without my family and friends back home. What a nightmare.....


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

It does get better, it just takes time. We lived together for about a month after he dropped the bomb and as much as I wanted him to stay and work things out, it was such a huge relief after he finally left. It was still hard some days, but it did gradually get better. We're now 8 months separated (laws in NC say 12 months separated before divorce) and it's gotten way better, but I still have occasional bad days. That's to be expected. We don't want this so of course it's going to be difficult, but it DOES get better, just hang in there. I too am here in NC with no family other than his and it makes it harder. Strangely, he and I have remained "friends" so far and we see and speak often. Some don't agree with this, but it's what works for us. We have two teenagers that he comes over to see often, we have meals together, he helps me around the house and so on. I don't know how things are going to change once the actual divorce starts, we may end up hating each other (I hope not). I feel like if we can't be married at least we may be able to be friends. I can't see not having him in my life in some way.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> It does get better, it just takes time. We lived together for about a month after he dropped the bomb and as much as I wanted him to stay and work things out, it was such a huge relief after he finally left. It was still hard some days, but it did gradually get better. We're now 8 months separated (laws in NC say 12 months separated before divorce) and it's gotten way better, but I still have occasional bad days. That's to be expected. We don't want this so of course it's going to be difficult, but it DOES get better, just hang in there. I too am here in NC with no family other than his and it makes it harder. Strangely, he and I have remained "friends" so far and we see and speak often. Some don't agree with this, but it's what works for us. We have two teenagers that he comes over to see often, we have meals together, he helps me around the house and so on. I don't know how things are going to change once the actual divorce starts, we may end up hating each other (I hope not). I feel like if we can't be married at least we may be able to be friends. I can't see not having him in my life in some way.


What part of NC are you in? You can send me a message.

He really needs to leave. He should have had this all planned out before hand. I really don't know how he is going to do this financially, but I can't worry about it. I always took care of the bills. He is the bread winner, but I was always the one to stress over money. He has no clue and never wanted to hear about the stresses. Well now he has no choice. He is in for a rude awakening. 
I hope you are right that it will get better. I've been through he death of my mother and my brother, now this. I don't know how much healing I have left inside of me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

jenny123 said:


> I am still a total mess and don't know where my life is going. He is looking for a place. It's so hard with him still in the house. Please tell me when it will get better. I can not wrap my head around this whole thing. How he can just delete me from his life after all this time??? I feel like I am worthless in his eyes. Now I am stuck here in NC without my family and friends back home. What a nightmare.....


I didn't want my H to leave at all, but once he left the entire house could breathe easier. It was strange.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I heard similar things. And I am waiting for things to get better too.

It will get harder if/when our spouses meet and start dating, especially since children are involved.

What makes this so difficult for me is my lack of friends. I haven't had male friends in years. I withdrew and focused all my energy and time on my wife and children. 

And, making friends these days is hard, when all that weighs on my mind is this situation.

Crud.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I didn't want my H to leave at all, but once he left the entire house could breathe easier. It was strange.


Had exactly the same - now he's gone I'm feeling great, it's bizarre but I saw him today as he picked up some more stuff from the house and it's like a switch has been turned off. I feel absolutely nothing

bit weird considering it's only been a month but maybe it's my brain protecting me! It just makes me realise it was absolutely the right thing to happen


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> Had exactly the same - now he's gone I'm feeling great, it's bizarre but I saw him today as he picked up some more stuff from the house and it's like a switch has been turned off. I feel absolutely nothing
> 
> bit weird considering it's only been a month but maybe it's my brain protecting me! It just makes me realise it was absolutely the right thing to happen



Good for you! I hope I get to that point soon. I have to stop thinking about being alone, but it is so hard after all these years.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Is there any chance of you moving back to be with your family? You shouldn't have to be handling this alone. Let him be alone -- it's his choice to do this. A change of scenery may help you feel better faster than staying in the 'marital' home. I tried it both ways, and even though STBXH was the one that initiated the split, I felt better after *I* moved out, rather than when *he* moved out. 

And I totally agree with mamatomany: if you start having sleep or health or mood problems, get to a doctor and/or therapist ASAP. If it's decided that you need a medication to help you out you'll want to start sooner rather than later, as some take at least a month before they start to work.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Is there any chance of you moving back to be with your family? You shouldn't have to be handling this alone. Let him be alone -- it's his choice to do this. A change of scenery may help you feel better faster than staying in the 'marital' home. I tried it both ways, and even though STBXH was the one that initiated the split, I felt better after *I* moved out, rather than when *he* moved out.
> 
> And I totally agree with mamatomany: if you start having sleep or health or mood problems, get to a doctor and/or therapist ASAP. If it's decided that you need a medication to help you out you'll want to start sooner rather than later, as some take at least a month before they start to work.


I would pack my bags today and go back home if I could. He would fight me tooth and nail about taking the kids. Plus my daughter is a junior in HS so I can't pull her out now. I just want him to leave. 
My emotions are all over the place lately. One minute, I can almost function and the next I am a mess. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was going to have a heart attack, but it was proabably a panic attack actually. I'm thinking I need to see a therapist. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. 
I am taking the kids back home with me for Easter, so I'll see how I feel when we return. I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

jenny123 said:


> I would pack my bags today and go back home if I could. He would fight me tooth and nail about taking the kids. Plus my daughter is a junior in HS so I can't pull her out now. I just want him to leave.
> My emotions are all over the place lately. One minute, I can almost function and the next I am a mess. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was going to have a heart attack, but it was proabably a panic attack actually. I'm thinking I need to see a therapist. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought.
> I am taking the kids back home with me for Easter, so I'll see how I feel when we return. I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.


You need to see a doctor and a therapist. The doctor will help w/ panic attacks. I had them a lot for two months and could barely function at work/home. I was sleeping 2-3 hrs a night and was making myself sick. My GP was sooooo understanding and offered up meds right away for both depression and anxiety. My life has changed so much in 4 wks because of the meds, I feel stronger, think clearer, can manage my emotions etc. Financial issues and H contact causes panic attacks but other than that I have many moments of relaxation. Please make an appt w/ med dr.


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