# Stay because I feel guilty?



## Catta61 (Jun 25, 2015)

Married 30 years been together 35. He suffers from depression and alcoholism, substance abuse. I got pregnant we married 3 years later, he didn't work stayed home with our daughter. In 1985 he was in a motorcycle wreck, left him with paralyzed legs. Went to rehab stayed sober 3 years. Went to school got his Bachelors Degree became a life coach for adults with disabilities Loved him supported him but very passive-aggressive always tried to control things. Was a musician enjoyed playing gigs but all about him, very selfish. We had another child 14 years later. Family always walked on egg-shells had to always think about him and how he could get around. Would never say what was bothering him always clammed up said he needed space would sit in the garage for hours puttering. In 2008 he started having problems with Seasonal Affective Disorder also had low testosterone. I tried doing the Marriage Builders workshop he stated he didn't want people telling him what to do. Got fired from his job we had to sell our house and leave the state. I was retired by then. Live near our daughter now and grandchildren but he was always grouchy around them didn't want to participate in anything. Two years ago I asked for a divorce. He said he would be the husband I deserve nothing has changed. Got out of depression rehab last week wants to work on the marriage. I have nothing left to give, been in this loveless, sexless marriage too long but he tells me how much he loves me and he can change. I'm just too exhausted. I want a life I've been pulling the load for 29 years.
He tries to make me feel guilty for not holding up to "better or worse, sickness and health" He makes my anxiety go through the roof. It's always something with him.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I am sorry you are here. 

It does sound like you gave it your all for a very long time. We all only have so many years on this earth to experience the things we want and live the life we want. You sound like you are very aware of this. You also sound like you have decided and know what to do. 

I've never been a wife...but I've been a husband for nearly 25 years and I can tell you -I would NEVER want my wife to be with me out of guilt or anything other than love (and Lust).


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He broke his vow to promise to love and cherish you. A love neglected is a love destroyed. It was his actions that destroyed your love for him so do not feel guilty on that account. And, maybe he is also trying to suck you in because he fears abandonment and not love for you either. I really do not know him, so it is just guesses.

There are limits to the vow for better or worse. There is always limits and unlimited love is just idealism. He really cannot take the high ground when he has broken his vow for decades and let your relationship die through a thousand cuts.

Here is an example. If your spouse beats you on a weekly basis, you decided to leave, and your spouse ask you not to break your vow because this counts as the for worse part as well. Or how about, a spouse has a gambling addiction and the well-being of the family would be better if the family separated from the spouse with the gambling addiction. Do you take the for worse part and everyone suffers, including children, or would you rather protect the well-being of the children.

Hence, everything has limits.


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## Catta61 (Jun 25, 2015)

Thank you for your feedback. I know there are two sides to every story but facts are facts and that is what reassurance I am looking for. He is moving back in with his mother :flushed:


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry for your pain. I ended a 28 yr marriage and a 35 yr relationship. My ex had some mental and physical problems but nothing as severe as your H. Mine also turned out to be a serial cheater. But living with years of neglect and verbal and emotional abuse takes its toll. Like you I tried MC, and like your H, mine quit because he didn't like the counselor telling him how he was supposed to talk. Some here have suggested it was a bad counselor, but I honestly don't think so. The counselor wasn't taking sides in any of our disputes, but was trying to offer my then H ways to communicate that were not accusatory, or dismissive in tone. The mere possibility that anything my H said or did was contributing to our difficulties was not something my ex could accept.

I stayed longer than I should have in that marriage because of guilt. I felt guilty for his state of health, I had reason to believe he was suicidal (he wasn't, he was being manipulative). I felt guilty about divorcing with kids (mine are still in school). And all that guilt didn't change a thing that had already happened and was hurting me. So go ahead and swim around in the guilt for a day and then get out of that pool. My life now has peace. The kids are happy. Life goes on.


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