# Issues with mom..



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

So, to make a very long story short, my mother has fallen ill (mental issues) and is seeking help at a care facility. Me and my siblings are searching for alternative places for her to go after she is released (probably a few weeks from now) and none of my siblings have the room (all of them have kids and live in small apartments) but I am recently married for the past 5 months with no kids and technically have a couch that my mother could "crash" on till a better option came available. My issue is that my wife and I have been arguing about this issue for a few days because she simply doesn't want anyone to live with us, which I can agree would be annoying but, out of all honesty, it's my mom and I want to help her get back on her feet (she lost both of her jobs by the way). 

I was just wondering if anyone has been in the same predicament before and had any advice? I keep getting the feeling of being pissed off at her for not allowing us to at least let her stay here for a month or so but I still can understand her perspective. I feel like it's straining our marriage because I'm starting to see her as more selfish (not just this issue but among others and she is very dependent and always wants to be with me). Any advice is welcomed


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Its a nice thought to want to help your mom out, but the reality is having a mentally ill mom "crash" at your house is a very, very bad idea. I do not think your wife is selfish for not wanting her there.


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## 2010Walkaway (Aug 3, 2010)

Is it possible for your mom to stay in her own home but with a helper. E.g. could you and your siblings each arrange to spend 1 or 2 days/nights per week with her on some sort of rota. If you all cannot cover the entire week, could you all chip in and pay for a helper to stay with her or visit regularly the rest of the time. Maybe your wife might consider helping out with this type of arrangement also. 

As to your wife, it's never easy having an in-law move in, no matter how well you all got along beforehand, and that's without adding mental illness into the mix.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What is your wife saying she is afraid of happening?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm not really a selfish person, but I will have to say, despite family obligations and definitely wanting to help, I'm leaning towards your wife's side on this.
You are newlyweds, and she feels that this is "your" time-you are still in honeymoon phase. Now she feels that she will be obligated to care for your mother and be a full-time nurse, simply because of what she feels is the convenience to your other family members- "Hey, you've got room and you don't have kids, it's not like you have a lot to deal with, so you've got to help out." My family is the same way, and they still wonder why I hardly ever call them.
Your wife, and rightly, I think, feels that she is being drafted to perform as a caregiver, and she did not sign up for this. She wants to be with you, and perhaps start her own family, and she is afraid that all of that will be delayed and derailed.


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## JessieGA (Mar 28, 2011)

My mother also has mental health issues. She lives with my brother, who is divorced, rather than with me (and my husband and toddler). Although I don't know the particulars of your mother's condition, I think your wife has a valid point in not wanting her to live with you. Having someone living on your couch is enough of a burden on a marriage, and for that person have mental health issues that need to constantly be monitored....that's a lot to handle. She's probably afraid of the burden it would put on your relationship, and she's right to be concerned. But on the other hand, I completely understand wanting to be there for your mother. I would say a week at most, and then a permanent arrangement needs to be made for your mother.
In my experience, having to deal with a mentally ill parent constantly is a ridiculous amount of stress! I'm sure you don't want to put that weight on your relationship (or yourself!) and I'm sure your mom wouldn't want to come between you and your wife. Best of luck!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My MIL has mental issues and they tried letting her stay at home with a full time caregiver but it didn't last long. Even the caregiver couldn't handle her. She was in a nursing home and is now in a psych ward (its gotten worse).

Your wife is not selfish she knows it's a bad idea to let a mentally ill woman "crash" on her couch. You are not up for caring for her and she knows it.


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