# Cheated bisexually and don't know what to do.



## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Wife and I have been together for 12 years married 7. Prior to us getting married I had an affair with a man and never told her. I had a few online chats that she found out about after she found a text between me and this man 7 years into our marriage.

She was extremely hurt and extremely confused and walked out. She took a lot of money and moved all her belongings out. She states that she wants us to work things out and is using the controlled seperation model for the most part. But I am starting to sense that she just wants to move on.

She kept asking me why the bisexual aspect because I had never discussed it with her. I have discovered childhood sexual abuse in my past that I had repressed. She is wanting me to pay all the bills and she said that she cannot work she is in such distress. She has set the time period at 3 months and stated that she only wants email contact.

I am working intensively with an IC to get my issues taken care of. I feel horrible that I cheated before we got married. I feel horrible that I had an emotional affair with men online. I am quickly realizing that aspect was all because of the sexual abuse in my past.

I simply don't know what to do to try to save my marriage. I know she loves me but I think she doubts anymore who I even am.

Any suggestions from anyone?


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

Did you tell her about the affair with the man before you got married? If not, she need to know ASAP. The longer you wait to give her the full truth the more painful it is for her. Trust me, I am being heart broken everyday but learning 'new' things. Just tell her everything in on messy conversation. There is NO reason not to.

You obviously need to figure out what is going on and what you want. Remember tho - if you are into men you don't need to blame that on abuse. If you are attracted to men and like to be with men (as well as women), there is _*nothing *_wrong with that. What is wrong is that you brought other people into your marriage without you wife knowing. Try to separate the two things so you don't confuse yourself while figuring it all out.
It's bad that you cheated - doesn't matter who with. Man, woman or squirrel. 

Give her time, give her space and reassure her that you are in love with her and willing to do anything. There is nothing that you can do except reassure her and be there waiting if she decides to come home.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

terrified said:


> Did you tell her about the affair with the man before you got married? If not, she need to know ASAP. The longer you wait to give her the full truth the more painful it is for her. Trust me, I am being heart broken everyday but learning 'new' things. Just tell her everything in on messy conversation. There is NO reason not to.
> 
> You obviously need to figure out what is going on and what you want. Remember tho - if you are into men you don't need to blame that on abuse. If you are attracted to men and like to be with men (as well as women), there is _*nothing *_wrong with that. What is wrong is that you brought other people into your marriage without you wife knowing. Try to separate the two things so you don't confuse yourself while figuring it all out.
> It's bad that you cheated - doesn't matter who with. Man, woman or squirrel.
> ...


I would also add that if you are attracted to men, then you don't need to be married. Do you find yourself fantasizing about men? I would suggest focusing on yourself in these next 3 months to figure these things out within yourself. Do you "check out" other guys passing on the street?

How has your sex life been with your wife? I cannot imagine what she is going through. She may decide in the end to just move on without you. Are you ready to accept that?


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## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

My husband did the same thing to me as you did to your wife. Short story: 3 weeks ago I found out he had a PA with a woman 5 years ago, a one night stand. They texted/sexted/pictures/phone sex for the entire 5 years but had no more contact (she lives in 4 hours away). Along with the woman he also trolled the internet to find a man. They did the same sexting/pictures etc. It stopped about two months prior to my discovery. He claims they never got together but he says he is a black out drinker and it could have happened but he doesn't remember (he lives here in town). I don't believe that story. I wonder every day if they got together and had contact. He says he is not attracted to men but was curious. He says he was raped and molested at 9 years old (repressed for 30 years) and he was in search of some behavior that would assure him he was not gay or bi. He is working with a therapist and going to AA. We are still together and working extremely hard on all these issues. I love him dearly and want it to work but I am nervous about the gay thing. I don't understand how a man could have a sexual affair with another man but claim to not be gay? I don't have any bisexual urges so I guess I just don't get it. I understand completely what your wife is going through. She is having images in her head of you with a man and that is tearing her apart. All I can say is please do what my husband is doing: transparency in all ways - phone, email, facebook passwords everything out in the open. No contact. Constantly reassuring me and working hard to figure out his own issues so hopefully we can heal. I wish you the best. Hugs.


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

I am going to counseling and the counselor is talking about sexual addiction. I just don't know that I fall into that category. My wife has stated that she wants a complete separation while we each go to individual counselors and work our own problems out then we can come back together to work on our marital problems together. I think in her heart she wants to remain married. But I am so worried that this separation is pushing us farther apart. She said that she wants nothing but emails for 3 months and the emails should only be about important things. I sent her one and asked her if she has given up on us and she stated that the emails should not be about marital issues.

It is so hard to just step back and put the marriage aside. And I am struggling with my own counselling because my best friend in life (my wife) is not here to talk to about it. I feel so alone and frustrated, worried and stressed. I understand why she is taking time to herself but it doesn't make it any easier. I just keep worrying that she is leaving. Yes I own that I messed up. I created this problem and that I need to figure my own issues out before I can be with anyone. I just don't want to be with anyone I want to be with my wife.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

hmmm...i know we're supposed to help and support you in some ways. but i can help but transfer my own questions of thoughts of my stbxhusband was doing much of the same. but twice he screamed at me out he wants anal sex -something i have never done, but he was trying to get me to do- and all these questions that yes, he does check out men, watches homosexual porn, was molested as well by his mom, sleeps with prostitutes, and i cant help but wonder about the male relationship. at his job he talked about his supervisor always touching him, so i suggested reporting that to his superior, and toys with himself. so i just cant help wonder if he was doing the same thing, but i cant ask that now since that would open doors i would no longer want to enter.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I have never believed in the "bisexual" label. More than likely you are a repressed homosexual. Please do the responsible thing and first get tested for STD's and let your wife find happiness somewhere else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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