# New & Alone



## Jackie Corbin (Oct 12, 2019)

Hello all,

I'm a woman in my 30's, been married for 10 yrs, with 2 kids in elementary school and am here bc I'm seeking someone to talk to when the only other person I usually do (my husband) is now giving me the silent treatment.

I only have 2 other friends I feel comfortable talking about marriage to, and one of them isn't even married yet, so I hate to paint a doom & gloom pic when it's not always bad. Both my husband and I are very hot-tempered people, we hate being wrong about anything and most of our arguments result from typical marriage stress, kids & money.

But I suppose lately it's been getting worse on my end bc before I always caved to his viewpoint even if I thot it was wrong bc I didn't want to upset him (I'm used to being the doormat), but now it's as if I don't care anymore. I'm tired of constantly being told I'm wrong, he's right, get in line and stay there. I'm willing to talk it out and compromise, but now he's starting ignoring me, walking away, refusing to talk and my temper keeps climbing until I want to scream! 

The more this happens, the more I'm left to wonder if it's worth it anymore? I don't like these roller coasters of up and downs, I prefer stability, knowing that I'm appreciated, loved and not treated like a misbehaving child.

I'm sure many of you can commiserate, so any advice would be greatly appreciated and I'll do the same for you if I can! I'm a great listener!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Welcome to TAM. I hope we can give you some help with your issues.

How old is your husband?

Keep in mind that you are the only person who you can change. So you need to concentrate on becoming the best person you can be.

You say that discussions between you and your husband escalate into angry arguments. But you have 100% control over this. You can prevent discussions from getting that far simply by refusing to engage with your husband when things start to get out of control.

You say that when you try to defend and/or explain yourself. Has defending/explaining yourself ever lead to him understanding you and saying something like "yes, you are right. You are a brilliant woman!"  Of course not. So stop doing it. 

Now that you are standing up to him, the results are predictable. He's pulling the silent treatment, stone walling, etc. This is 100% on him. It's is choice to behave this way.

You have trained him that in the end he will always win, all he has to do is yell at you, insult you, etc. and eventually you will back down with your tail between your legs and he can have his way. Now that you have change the rules he's confused and angry. Hopefully, he will come to realize that your opinion on things have equal weight as his do. So compromise is the way to go.

Now how do you exercise 100% control over whether or not there is a angry argument between the two of you? When you can tell that an argument is going to explode into an angry outburst, you just stop, walk away.

I had a similar problem in my marriage. When I realized that me trying to defend and explain myself was just adding to the problem, I sat him down (when things were calm) and I told him that I would not longer engage in arguments/fights. Instead, when I could see that things were escalating I would just say the word "STOP" and leave. I'd go to another room, or for a walk, or for a car ride. And I told him that each of us was responsible for calming our self down. ( I always took our son with me so that I knew he was ok) Then, if at least an hour later we wanted to discuss the topic like clam adults, we could do that as long as it remained calm. 

After that I started just ending any discussion that was going to anger. He got to the point that he would grab his helmet and go for an hour long bike ride. When he returned he was calm and able to actually have a calm discussion. It worked.

What are the sorts of things that you two argue about? Could you give a couple of examples?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Jackie Corbin said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I'm a woman in my 30's, been married for 10 yrs, with 2 kids in elementary school and am here bc I'm seeking someone to talk to when the only other person I usually do (my husband) is now giving me the silent treatment.
> 
> ...


Have you read the book "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work"? If not, I would definitely recommend it. Particularly the sections about communication. It will teach you more productive ways to converse. You might give the book to your husband as well, so he can stop with the conversational steam-rolling.


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