# Help me understand his brain please.



## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

I'm going to try to make a long story short here.

Been married for over 20 years, have lots of kids, some still home some grown and married. Something changed sort of recently, I posted here about it, but it was this squirting thing that caught me off guard and freaked me out. I fought it, tried to not, went back and forth about it being okay or not and finally just accepted it as a new normal.

Recently there has been tons of new stress. 3 hospitalizations here in the last 3 weeks, dh for some sort of vertigo and then the older boys had a vehicle accident. Everyone is home although life has changed.

A couple of days ago dh expressed that there was something wrong with me, I shouldn't be Oing so easily and maybe I have some sort of disorder. I being me, looked that up and couldn't find anything fitting. He expressed that things shouldn't be that intense so quickly. Well, I didn't think anything of it because it had been over a week with all of the commotion around here and it was something we were doing every day before then.

So we went to bed that night and as we played around as usual I was trying not to O and by about 2am I had to ask him to not touch me because I couldn't not. I want to do what he wants, I want to make him happy, I want to comply with what he asks. Then he was upset with me for asking him to not touch me. I was very confused, I should say I am very confused still. Then he said he was sorry and it was okay and then he wanted me to. Um, what the heck? Then he put some effort in, I will add more enthusiastically than usual and I did but it was definitely not as fun or as complete because I was quite upset.

The next morning, I told him how I felt about what happened and basically that I felt like he put a hole in my security. I no sooner accept things and then he says no more. I keep thinking that I shouldn't read anything into any of it, life has been too stressful for everyone lately.

The next night, last night, he actively pursued some time together again. This time I'm thinking it's okay, he really didn't mean what he said the day before and was just having a freak out moment. Since the squirting/messy thing started months ago, he has avoided anything oral. This was fine with me, it never was my favorite anyway. He did like twice right after it started, but it had been months since he even tried it. Last night everything that he did was in the sequence that he used to always follow. Not saying that is bad, but it takes longer for me to relax for one and now that this there is this messy thing to think about I didn't want him there and was worried about that. He kept at it, and I kept fighting it and I successfully fought it.

What is he trying to do? What does he want? Change should be good, but something doesn't seem right. What does he want from me? I can't read his mind and I don't understand what he is doing. Yes, no, maybe so? Is he wanting to go back to how things were a long time ago? Is he bored? Is he tired of me? Now watch, now that I'm worried enough to post he will go back to normal. He confuses the heck out of me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Ask him what he wants, however why are you letting him control your orgasms?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Are you taking any new meds?

"SSRIs can increase sexual arousal or even cause spontaneous orgasms, although this is rare." What Are the Sexual Side Effects of ADD Medications? | LIVESTRONG.COM


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

Kingsfan, I have asked but he's not giving me straight answers. He says he didn't mean it like that, now like back tracking on what he said and how he acted. I always let him control everything. If he was asking me to do something harmful I would have something to say but most of the time I get what I want by just being quiet and waiting. BUT.... I'm not feeling patient on this, I don't get it and I don't know why he threw all the cards up in the air again. He makes me feel like an absolute nutcase.

Blonde, that made me giggle, although I'm sure it's not funny. I'm not taking any meds. I guess I took some ibuprofen this morning but I don't generally take anything. I wouldn't call this increased arousal or spontaneous, it's just that he figured out a few little tricks that work every time and easily. It's become more like a little dependable sequence, it's always something he does, I don't do it by myself and don't want to try to either. I will definitely keep that in mind about the meds though, I think if my dr. offered me something to slow me down at this point I'd have to take it. I'm not going to the dr. though.  I fall asleep seeing my son laying in a pool of blood and I wake up to the same image I can't erase from my brain. I can't drive down that road, I can't even drive up to that corner, I'm scared of answering the phone, scared every time someone leaves the house. But the O thing, it got easier at the beginning of the year, not that it was hard before but things just changed. Something changed the way dh is thinking recently, this is the part that I don't understand.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi ya secret. I remember your older threads.

Instead of worrying about what he thinks, how about you decide how YOU feel about it and tell him to support your decision.

"I thought about this, and frankly I think being able to orgasm like this is a gift and I'm embracing it fully! I want you to support this POV. And you can do this by never questioning if it's right or okay or normal. You can do this be being joyful that I find sex with you so utterly satisfying, so easily completely wonderful neither of us have to work too hard to make it wonderful."

You take the lead on this and he will follow. As he follows, your'll get stronger in your self confidence that your orgasms are the gift they are.

Win/win!


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

Hi Anon Pink. I'm only worried about what he thinks so that I can do what he wants and go back to things being content and settled. I don't think he knows what he thinks or what he wants. I know how I feel about it, I'd rather stick with what's working. Now what I'm getting isn't leaving me happy, it's leaving me stressed because he is acting different and that makes me feel less secure. If he needs or wants something different, I want to be sure he's happy too. But he can't tell me what he wants and when he does he doesn't act consistent with what he's saying. If I try to tell him how this is going to be, which honestly I should have more say over it because there isn't a whole lot more I can do for him than what I'm doing, but if I try to take a lead he will fight it tooth and nail. He has a neuropathy and he can't always feel, I do go out of my way to do all that I can to help him, I would say no if it was something harmful but it's not and just takes time. If he has another idea I'm not sure why he wouldn't speak up because I always just say okay. If I tell him what I want and why he will do all he can to say I don't and why and it doesn't matter what it is. He would make something up to tell me I'm wrong. It's a standing joke that he could sell a lake lot to a rock. I don't actually think that's funny. 

I have to be quiet and let him come to the conclusions if I want conclusions that last. If I try to convince him otherwise it will take longer to get through this. I just can't figure out why he became so discontent so suddenly and he probably doesn't know either. I guess I can lead, but it's by knowing him enough to know he has to think he's leading. I agree, it took me a while to see that but it is a gift and I'm not going to complain about something good ever again. It's the not having control part that I didn't like, not that I didn't enjoy it. Brain and body in conflict. Things became this way quickly and I'm sure it can be taken away just as quickly and I'm not wanting that to happen. I'm in this for the long haul and I don't want him to see me as being demanding and have him resist and push things further the wrong way.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Menopause can cause more intense reactions for you.

You seen conflicted that you want to have control over how you O, when etc., yet you also don't want to rock the boat with him. You say "it's the not having control part" you don't like, yet you are absolutely entitled to control your sexuality. He's there to reinforce and celebrate it, not to control it. if your new-found power freaks him out, that's his stuff to work on.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

He might not know exactly what he is thinking/feeling right now either. Sounds like you two have been through a lot lately and you're going through some changes. Just give him and you some time to adjust and figure things out. He sounds like a good guy who is just as confused as you. Keep working through it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> Menopause can cause more intense reactions for you.
> 
> You seen conflicted that you want to have control over how you O, when etc., yet you also don't want to rock the boat with him. You say "it's the not having control part" you don't like, yet you are absolutely entitled to control your sexuality. He's there to reinforce and celebrate it, not to control it. if your new-found power freaks him out, that's his stuff to work on.


Exactly!

Maybe your H is concerned that your O isn't from him, but your body being far too accommodating? Doesn't really make sense to me but everyone's different.


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

TikiKeen, I don't think that this is a result of menopausal changes yet. My blood work is still within normal limits for someone much younger, my doctor laughed at me on that one. He said that I'm not there yet. I have no hot flashes, my cycle is still like clock work. We had a baby every other year for so long, now it's been 3 years since a pregnancy (loss), youngest is 5, and I do think that not having a baby in the house has changed things but it's more about knowing they're not likely going to need me at the drop of a hat. The not liking not having control part was meant more as past tense, I've given up and accepted that. He and I haven't always had the greatest relationship, it's been rough. It was hard for me to accept that he could do things to me like that and I wasn't even sure I wanted to trust him in that way. It bothers me that he has control in a way that it worries me that he can take something away from me. At the same time, I don't want to control it because it is something he can give me. Almost like if I take control of this one last thing I wouldn't need him for anything, that is scary too. I feel like for a moment he has gone back to his old ways and I'm waiting for him to wake up again and realize it.

Thanks Blanca, I do see good in him and I'm trying to just ride this one out because there has been so much going on. Maybe it is just his way of dealing and I really don't think that he wants to hurt me, but almost like somehow it makes him feel better to even if he doesn't mean to be that way. He always sort of pulls the rug out from under me when things get tough, I think he's frustrated with not being able to fix all of the other things too.

Anon Pink, so should I try to make it seem harder for him to accomplish? Maybe he doesn't think it's from him, but he has to know it's not from anyone else. I don't know how to give those kind of O's to myself, nor do I want to, I/we have never used a toy either. Almost like saving it for him, I don't want to without him.

rydellluy, if my statement seems out of place, I was just trying to explain briefly that life has been crazy. Our boys had a car accident, rolled the vehicle and one was pinned beneath the truck. The other called us and we live in the middle of nowhere, dh and I arrived before any crews got there. I can't blame either of us for responding to things differently after something so traumatic.

I keep reading and re-reading, soaking it in and thinking it through. I don't want to control how I o, or when, other than I prefer knowing the kids are in bed and we likely won't be interrupted. This part of our lives looks like night and day from what it was 6 months ago to now, it was December actually when things started changing so not even that long. Is it wanting to control, or is it that preferences have changed since new things began? I mean, I couldn't before choose between this or that if I didn't know that that existed. 

A new realization, with what just occurred he thinks all is good because I still O'd. I think that it wasn't anything the same because I wasn't completely there, but I mean that my brain wasn't there and I was still very distracted. I can see more that it all has more to do with a state of mind for me, if I can't get my brain there it messes it all up.

One more thing, does anyone else have trouble with pages loading on here? It goes to the blue background and stays there for a long time. Is there a setting that I can change? I only have trouble on this site, I know we have slow internet but this is slower than every other site I go to. I will click to post my reply and go take my bath and it may or may not be done when I get out.

Thank you all for your responses, thank you for making me think. Even though I don't understand what I really want to understand still, I am still learning and understanding more. It's all good.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Is it possible the thinks there may be a health concern? With what's happened I could see him being afraid of losing you. If it just started happening suddenly, he might be thinking there's some health problem causing it?


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

I Don't Know, hmmm, I don't know.  He did say he wondered if I had some sort of disorder that was making it so simple. I looked for information but couldn't find anything fitting. I can't see how it could be harmful or unhealthy, it's actually made me feel stronger and more energetic. At this point, anything goes. He's allowed to feel however he wants to and so am I for that matter, when crazy things happen I know I can't expect completely rational thoughts right now. He did say that he wants to talk to me later. Normally, when he says he wants to talk or take a nap it means neither but this time I think he really wants to talk. I know I need to not be worried, but I can't seem to help it. My world was turned upside down too with the other stuff too and I didn't need more to worry about right now.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

How can I put this nicely? Umm your husband is an idiot. Do you have any idea how much I would like my wife to be aroused easily?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh, we have plenty of towels and sheets, so no problem there.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Then take control. Until he givs you a clear answer on what he wants, tell him you want to do what you want. So if you want to get off quickly, he should get you off quickly.

It's a two-way street, you are just as entitled to recieving pleasure on your terms as he is on his.


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

Hi, I'm going to type quickly, we have another dr. appt. this morning.

Last night he wanted to talk, he said he doesn't deserve me and that he hasn't been a good husband and it didn't take long to get to the bottom of that. I'll save that story for another time. So, I think this stand off or whatever it was is over, at least for now anyway.

He started acting normal again, doing what he normally does , ummm and we joked about it. I didn't want him to leave this morning, I'm glad he has a job but a vacation sounds nice about now. He's been home for 3 weeks and it has been rough, I want normal again and that may still be a little while off.

Thanks for listening to me.... AGAIN!


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

Yeah, sorry, I type faster than I think. I really did skip lots of details.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Trauma creates an overwhelm in emotions.... under normal circumstances this might not create overwhelm for him, but post trauma the "o's" "could be" creating a bit of overwhelm for him. Solve the overwhelm and he might settle into these O's.. That was a major trauma and it takes time to fully process. And it does sound like there is a misunderstanding somewhere in there... let go and think to yourself "you know what I may have just flat out misunderstood" and next time y'all have sex, just ask him... would you like for me to squirt or hold back.... that will open the floor on what he wants. If he wants you to hold back, discuss that further when y'all have time.


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