# The ONE thing I asked of him...



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

...and he couldn't do it for me.

Brief history for those who don't know my story. DDay was February 20 of this year. My then husband of 25 years, it turned out, had been cheating on me with the OW since the previous September. Refused a request for counseling and said there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind. He met her at an out-of-state funeral. He had only spent five days in December with her at this point, that he lied to me about at the time. She is 3 years older and weighs about 80 pounds more than I. The weight thing is important to mention because he is a Fat Shamer who made me feel bad the couple times in our marriage I dared to gain 15 or 20 pounds. He moved out in May - when it was convenient for him. We filed in early July. The divorce was final July 29. We have a 13-year-old son.

He had told me previously that he planned to move her down to Florida - to our same town, 10 minutes away - "by the end of the year." Otherwise, except for flying her down here in May for a week the week after he moved out, their relationship has been entirely by phone.

In June, he had a brief period of feeling remorse for "the way he went about things" and swore he'd do anything I wanted, other than stop seeing her or stopping the divorce, where she was concerned. I said, "I just ask that you wait to move her down here until after my trip to New York in October." He knows I'm going up there in mid-October for five days for my niece's wedding, and our son will be staying with him then. Our son knows about her, but is not in a hurry to meet her. He said, "No problem. It'll probably be the end of October at the earliest."

He tells me tonight that she's moving down here "at the end of September." I reminded him that the one and only thing I've asked him in all this is to wait until after my trip in October. He goes, "Oh. I'm sorry. I guess I forgot all about that." I said, "So, DS will be staying with you and her, now, for five days in a month, when he hasn't even met her yet, and two weeks after she moves in. That's good thinking."

He goes, "Well, I've had a lot of stress and a lot on my plate this year." I lost it. I said, "YOU'VE had a lot of stress and a lot on your plate this year???!!! YOU have???!!!"

He goes, "Let's stop talking about this now, before you feel worse than I've already made you feel. I'll call you tomorrow."

I'm going to let him tell his son about this. And I'm not going to let my son know he promised me he wouldn't do this, and once again showed what his promises are good for. Not to protect my POS ex. To protect my son.

Was it unreasonable of me to ask this of him? We're divorced now - his private life is his own. But when it involves my son and could potentially hurt him, it makes my blood boil.

I'm sorry, but God [email protected] him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It was reasonable for you to ask him this. But he apparently does not want to abide by it. So it is what it is.

Is there any way you can take your son with you? Or maybe have him stay with someone else?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Sorry you are hurting, but I am going to be frank with you.

You have no control over his life now. As long as he is not doing anything to put your son in harms way, he can do whatever he wants. You may think him meeting the other woman is harming your son, but he can do it. At some point, he will be with another woman and you may be with someone else too. I think you are confusing your pain of your husband leaving you by exit affair with how this may affect your child. This will only be harmful to your son if you allow it to be, by placing him in the middle.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How kind and helpful of your ex. He is demonstrating thst he is truly a POS.

What a fool he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It was reasonable for you to ask him this. But he apparently does not want to abide by it. So it is what it is.
> 
> Is there any way you can take your son with you? Or maybe have him stay with someone else?


I could, but he would miss three days of school, and he missed two this past week due to a bad cold he had. When they miss five or more days in one quarter, they have to take a test for each course that is worth 20% of their grade. When I was planning the trip, I asked him if he wanted to go, in which case I would have only planned it for Friday to Sunday. This is my step-niece and someone he barely knows, so he said he really didn't.

I think my ex should tell our son about it and see how he feels, and if he's uncomfortable about it, they should postpone her move.

She's not selling a house or ending a lease in order to move down here - her adult daughter lives in her house and plans to stay there. Also, she works online remotely for her job now - she's not leaving her job in order to come here. All she'd have to do is reschedule her drive and moving truck.

I met my stepmother for the first time when I was seven. My parents had been divorced for four years. My Dad had been with my stepmother for two years at the time. I met her by going to dinner at their apartment, and I did that periodically thereafter for a year, until my Mom had to go into rehab, and I stayed with them for the first week of that until my Grandma could come from Florida and stay. If I'd have had to do that after just having met her, it would have been extra awful. I was just 8, but still.

Maybe I'm projecting a number of things, though. My son is mature and resilient. He won't like it, but I'm sure she'll go out of her way to be nice, and it'll just be awkward for him, at worst.

I'm just pissed that once again, he didn't listen to me or care about what I wanted, when I've been nothing but reasonable with all his requests.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

where_are_we said:


> Sorry you are hurting, but I am going to be frank with you.
> 
> You have no control over his life now. As long as he is not doing anything to put your son in harms way, he can do whatever he wants. You may think him meeting the other woman is harming your son, but he can do it. At some point, he will be with another woman and you may be with someone else too. I think you are confusing your pain of your husband leaving you by exit affair with how this may affect your child. This will only be harmful to your son if you allow it to be, by placing him in the middle.


I agree with you. Thus, I have no intention of saying a word about it to my son, or showing him tonight or at any time how much this hurts and angers me.

That said, I agree with MattMatt, too.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> I could, but he would miss three days of school, and he missed two this past week due to a bad cold he had. When they miss five or more days in one quarter, they have to take a test for each course that is worth 20% of their grade. When I was planning the trip, I asked him if he wanted to go, in which case I would have only planned it for Friday to Sunday. This is my step-niece and someone he barely knows, so he said he really didn't.


If you have not already done so, go to the school and talk to the Principal. Let them know that you are recently divorced and that your life is in a bit of a shambles. And that you want to let them know because you suspect that it will reflect in your child's behavior.

And don't worry. They've dealt with this before.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It's reasonable to ask and it would have been good for him to keep his word, but is this any surprise? 

As to your son, why not tell him all? Not for revenge but to let him know he may not want to rely on his dad much. 

Lastly, expect them (especially her) to go overboard to try and buy your son's love. You may want to discuss this with him in that he may want to expect this and not to get too excited about it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

thatbpguy said:


> It's reasonable to ask and it would have been good for him to keep his word, but is this any surprise?
> 
> As to your son, why not tell him all? Not for revenge but to let him know he may not want to rely on his dad much.
> 
> Lastly, expect them (especially her) to go overboard to try and buy your son's love. You may want to discuss this with him in that he may want to expect this and not to get too excited about it.


No, it isn't any surprise, come to think of it.

He already questions everything his Dad says, because he's been talking Crazy Talk lately (and now I know why - he hasn't even seen her again since May, and now she's moving down here in two weeks - pressure, much?).

She may try to buy his love, but his Dad never will. He is the cheapest man in America. He is an airline captain, and yet bought all used furniture and appliances for his current home, even though I didn't ask for alimony, which he's done for years. He sits on his money like it's a huge egg, waiting for it to hatch.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Can he sleep over at a school friend's house for a few days instead of living at his dad's house while you're gone? That might be a workable solution.

Also, no, if your ex was going to let your feelings and reasonableness affect his actions, he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place. ALL his promises to you, every single one, are only empty words.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry that you are in this predicament but can you really believe any promises your ExWH makes, this is the man who cheated on you, dumped you and his son and moved on with another W? 

What makes you think he will do anything to accommodate you or your son, he is selfish and will only do what suits him. He has already proven this to you over and over again. As the famous quote goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. " The sooner you realise this and act accordingly, the less pain you will encounter. Sorry!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Your ex is such an idiot, moving this woman down there after spending so little time in person with her. I hope all airline pilots aren't that stupid. I might never fly again.

That's an unfortunate rule at your son's school because my first thought was to take him with you.

Would your son ask his dad to postpone this move until after your trip? Would it make a difference if he did ask? I'm not suggesting you TELL your son to do this, but when you tell him what's happening you could suggest he could try asking his dad if it bothers him. 

Another option: Buy him a gaming system and small TV for his room and let him take it to his dad's for that week and spent the entire time in his room.....


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Your ex is such an idiot, moving this woman down there after spending so little time in person with her. I hope all airline pilots aren't that stupid. I might never fly again.
> 
> That's an unfortunate rule at your son's school because my first thought was to take him with you.
> 
> ...


I agree with your first statement 100%. But let's let him make that monumental mistake and see how it works out for him. And sorry to tell you this, but I know some other pretty stupid airline pilots. Cheating is rampant with them, and they generally choose psycho flight attendants or South American girls half their age looking for green cards with whom to cheat. That's this idiot's one saving grace - he doesn't like younger women - so he says, for what that's worth - so at least he didn't leave me for a young gold-digger who wants to have babies with him. He left me for an old post-menopausal one.

I realize that he could have moved her down here the day our divorce became final in July and there wouldn't have been a [email protected] thing I could say about it. He's free now and can do whatever he wants. I think he'll be damaging his relationship with his son to make his first experience with her staying in the same house with her for five days. I know my oldest brother hated my stepmother from the day he met her, primarily because of the insensitive way my Dad introduced them. It was my brother's 13th birthday. Dad had promised to take him to his favorite restaurant for dinner, but instead took him to the Jazz club where he'd first met my stepmother and which was her favorite place - and they had dinner with her. He still tells that story. My Mom had no idea my Dad was going to do that and only found out afterwards. Everyone was miserable because of his selfishness, except my stupid stepmother who always got her way, because if she didn't, she'd release the Kracken. (Pretty sure she had BPD - loads of fun to live with).

The ex is going to pick up our son later today and have him stay at his house tonight. He does have a game console and games for him in his room over there, so he will be able to escape from them most of the time. I've decided the ex will have to break it to our son what's going on at the end of the month and in October. And he claimed last night he would talk with him about it tonight. I know my son, and he won't be happy about it. I think the ex should be the one to clean up the fallout from his own bad decisions.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans

Just trying to brainstorm a solution for you here. Do you have any family member you trust to stay at your house with your son? Can your sin go to his fathers and OW go to a hotel for the days in question? Can your son stay with other family who can ensure he will get to school? 

I think it very inconsiderate of your ex to put his son in this position. If I were you I would have your ex come to talk with your son, have him explain that OW will be there. Maybe then when your ex sees how stupid he is acting he will realize this is a bad idea. I'm sorry he has let you down even more then you thought possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Nomorebeans
> 
> Just trying to brainstorm a solution for you here. Do you have any family member you trust to stay at your house with your son? Can your sin go to his fathers and OW go to a hotel for the days in question? Can your son stay with other family who can ensure he will get to school?
> 
> ...


We have no family here whatsoever. We are in South Florida - my brothers are in NY, EH's are in Georgia. Our parents are gone. DS does have friends he spends nights with, but in one of their cases, I don't feel comfortable having them be responsible for him for multiple nights, and the other friend I'd feel more comfortable about that goes to a different school, so it would really be a hassle for them.

I planned this trip at a time when my ex was being Mr. Remorseful and encouraging me to get away and spend time with my family and friends in NY - saying he'd take care of everything and I could take a full week if I wanted (I've never gotten to do that alone because of his work schedule).

Something I've considered is shortening my trip and going Friday to Sunday for the wedding only. I was going to go see my college roommate in a neighboring town on Sunday and Monday - I haven't seen her in almost 20 years, and she lives in a beautiful area in the Finger Lakes that will be glorious with the Fall colors. I was really looking forward to that part of the trip, but am thinking it's more important to make my son's experience as painless as possible. But then I think that if anyone should change their plans to make things better for our son, it should be my stupid ex. Otherwise, once again I'm suffering the consequences of one of his bad decisions instead of him.

I know I said this already, but God [email protected] him.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Try to remember that you ex is used to lying to you. He will say things to your face to either make himself feel good, or to avoid a fight. It is unlikely this will change.

I would let your ex handle how to explain this to your son. Your DS already knows his father broke promises to you, hence the D. Once DS knows, then ask how he feels about it, is he ok, does he want to stay with his father while you are gone.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Try to remember that you ex is used to lying to you. He will say things to your face to either make himself feel good, or to avoid a fight. It is unlikely this will change.
> 
> I would let your ex handle how to explain this to your son. Your DS already knows his father broke promises to you, hence the D. Once DS knows, then ask how he feels about it, is he ok, does he want to stay with his father while you are gone.


I agree and plan to do that. When he picks him up today, I plan to ask him to talk to him about it while they're together tonight and see how he feels about it. That's all I'll say. Let him see how upsetting his stupid, selfish sh!t is to his son. My just telling him about it wouldn't make a dent.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I agree with your first statement 100%. But let's let him make that monumental mistake and see how it works out for him. And sorry to tell you this, but I know some other pretty stupid airline pilots. Cheating is rampant with them, and they generally choose psycho flight attendants or South American girls half their age looking for green cards with whom to cheat. That's this idiot's one saving grace - he doesn't like younger women - so he says, for what that's worth - so at least he didn't leave me for a young gold-digger who wants to have babies with him. He left me for an old post-menopausal one.
> 
> I realize that he could have moved her down here the day our divorce became final in July and there wouldn't have been a [email protected] thing I could say about it. He's free now and can do whatever he wants. I think he'll be damaging his relationship with his son to make his first experience with her staying in the same house with her for five days. I know my oldest brother hated my stepmother from the day he met her, primarily because of the insensitive way my Dad introduced them. It was my brother's 13th birthday. Dad had promised to take him to his favorite restaurant for dinner, but instead took him to the Jazz club where he'd first met my stepmother and which was her favorite place - and they had dinner with her. He still tells that story. My Mom had no idea my Dad was going to do that and only found out afterwards. Everyone was miserable because of his selfishness, except my stupid stepmother who always got her way, because if she didn't, she'd release the Kracken. (Pretty sure she had BPD - loads of fun to live with).
> 
> The ex is going to pick up our son later today and have him stay at his house tonight. He does have a game console and games for him in his room over there, so he will be able to escape from them most of the time. I've decided the ex will have to break it to our son what's going on at the end of the month and in October. And he claimed last night he would talk with him about it tonight. I know my son, and he won't be happy about it. I think the ex should be the one to clean up the fallout from his own bad decisions.


I recently reconnected with a college friend who is married to a pilot. and their marriage is not happy either, and from things she's said I wonder if he cheats on her too . (Haven't seen her in person, just on FB). 

That is so awful about your brother . No wonder you're extra concerned about this, not that any decent parent wouldn't be!!! 

Do you think your son will express his displeasure to his father?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

How self reliant and capable is your 13 year old? How much adult supervision does he still need daily?

If he's got common sense and is mature, maybe ask the Less Comfortable family if they could take him in case he absolutely cannot stand being at his fathers. They'd fulfill the legal adult supervision requirement, he'd be able to get to school, and he'd have a refuge if WWIII breaks out or the household feels like a level of hell.

If he really needs the supervision still, maybe work something out with the school?

ETA: My youngest is a 14 year old boy. He's very capable of getting himself out of bed, letting out and feeding/watering the dogs, showering, getting his gear, cooking simple food, and getting to school.He picks up after himself. He doesn't get into trouble or mischief and spends most of his time riding his bike, playing Minecraft, and watching anime when he isn't trying to draw it. I'd be pretty comfortable leaving him with someone who will mostly be there in case of emergency. He doesn't need much hands on parenting anymore. 

My 16 year old daughter, however, needs someone watching her or she does maddening stuff like dye her hair on the couch, bleach her jeans for fashion...right next to 3 stacks of folded laundry, or will simply just leave messes everywhere.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sorry for your troubles, this sure illustrates why you are better off without this guy, even if you have to co parent with him for a few more years. 

I hope you will focus on being a rock for your son and set the example for him. It provides opportunity to teach him important life lessons (without bashing the ex in his eyes) that will help him to avoid a similar fate as his father. 

You'll do just fine and good luck.

edit: btw ... God doesn't have to damn him, he is doing a good enough job at it all by himself.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

STR, I have no worries about my son expressing his displeasure to his father. DS is very open emotionally and very forthright with his opinions.

MJJ, my son is somewhere between your son and daughter. He can't cook or do laundry for himself, although I've shown him how. He's crap at picking up after himself, even though he's had privileges taken away when he's made messes he hasn't cleaned up. But he can stay alone for several hours himself without getting in too much trouble.

I talked to my EH. He says he'll talk to him about it today and make sure he's OK with it, and will "figure something out" if he isn't. He says he plans to take him to do things without her over that weekend and to minimize his time around her in general, and that she's supposedly fine with that. I said I couldn't understand why she couldn't wait three more weeks, when she's not selling a house or quitting her job in order to come here, and just got stoney silence.

And then he says he's sorry he forgot I asked him wait for that and that the last thing he wanted to do is hurt me again. First of all: That's clearly a lie. I explained to him again that it isn't hurting me so much as worrying me about our son.

I'm just worn out from all his nonsense.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I bet he'll do fine. He's self sufficient enough to avoid his fathers GF if he needs to.

I don't understand why the GF doesn't want to wait. Imagine moving in with a guy you've only spent 5 days with in real life AND having his teenage son come to stay when you're still adjusting to moving and getting to actually know each other.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Make sure the school knows exactly who your son is staying with while you are gone. Their phone numbers and how long you are out of town. Also leave an out of town emergency number with them.

For any minor emergencies, they should contact your ex first... (Ie, if your ex doesn't get him to school until 2nd period, or whatever)..

I don't know.. .Chould be a good thing to let your son make his own decisions on meeting this girlfriend of his fathers. Do ask your husband in advance, what back up plans he has, incase the girlfiend and your son do not get along AT ALL?. Remind him that it should not be the adolescence's burden to bear. 
Not saying that you anticipate problems, etc, just tell your ex you want to make sure there are contingencies in place, or at least thought of. Will your husband be sending the girlfriend to a hotel room for a few days while he spends TIME with his child?

etc, etc,


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Yes, MJJ, it baffles me, too, why anyone would move in at that time under those circumstances. He claims she knows about it and is fine with it, but he's lied to me so many times, who's to know if he's telling the truth about that?

Here's what I think happened. They decided on the end of September because they met on September 27 of last year. Oh, how sweet! They'll get to have their first "anniversary" together! Had to be her idea, because he has no clue about dates - he's always had to be reminded about his siblings' birthdays and parents' anniversary. 

I'm betting he didn't bother to tell her about the October thing because he either didn't even remember I was going, or just figured he'd spring that on her when their plans were already set. 

What gets me - though why I'm surprised, I don't know - is how it didn't even occur to him to consider his son's feelings. But the only person he's thought of in this whole thing is himself, so this is really nothing new.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Reasonable to ask. Reasonable for him to do differently. It is what it is. Your son is old enough to know the score and decide for himself where he wants to be if he has options. Eventually, he'll meet her anyway. You don't have to like it. You do have to deal with it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

He doesn't have options at this point, MBH. 

It's not about him having to meet her at all that bothers me - it's that his Dad didn't consider how he might feel about spending several days with her so soon after meeting her before making his plans.

Do you have the same attitude about my son as you do about me? He doesn't have to like it and he does have to deal with it? Maybe my parenting is too coddling, but I don't think it's fair to apply that to a 13-year-old.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> He doesn't have options at this point, MBH.
> 
> It's not about him having to meet her at all that bothers me - it's that his Dad didn't consider how he might feel about spending several days with her so soon after meeting her before making his plans.
> 
> Do you have the same attitude about my son as you do about me? He doesn't have to like it and he does have to deal with it? Maybe my parenting is too coddling, but I don't think it's fair to apply that to a 13-year-old.


I totally agree with you. But, I'm glad to hear what you said about how he's emotionally open and will express his feelings. Not that his dad will care, but I'm glad he will do it. 

Your ex didn't take your son's feelings into account because he is incapable of doing so. I doubt he's taken the OW's feelings into account either, and she sounds like a weakling who will yes him to death just to get her hands on him and his money.

On another note, when my ex and I split the first time, that's when my kids learned to do their own laundry. They were about 8 and 9 then and they are 12 and 14 now. It's nice to only have to remind them to actually fold it and PUT IT AWAY instead of doing it all for them. Your son is old enough to take on this role, too . He's the man of your house now and helping you out will help him grow into that role and feel proud of himself for helping you. I almost always take my son grocery shopping with me now....he gets his own cart and I send him all over the store to get things we need--things I know he knows where they are. He unloads most of the groceries from the cart, and carries them all in for me. He is very proud of himself when he gets compliments from cashiers or other moms and dads in line with us. 

OK sorry to threadjack! 

Your ex is still an ass. >


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Reasonable to ask. Reasonable for him to do differently. It is what it is. Your son is old enough to know the score and decide for himself where he wants to be if he has options. Eventually, he'll meet her anyway. You don't have to like it. You do have to deal with it.


It's not about meeting this woman. It's about the kid having to stay for nearly a week at his fathers house with a perfect stranger who his father has only known irl for 5 DAYS while his mom is on a rare trip without him AND his father and said woman will have JUST moved in together and going through a major adjustment.

I think it's a bad plan, too. The GF is pulling up stakes and moving in with a guy she's only spent 5 days with irl. The dad is having his GF that he actually barely knows not only geographically with him irl, but jumping right in to sharing a household. And they're adding a teenager in to the mix right after all of these changes.

The dad and his GF are going to be going through a major adjustment that may or may not work out. They're going to be a bit stressed and the reality of coupledom will be hitting them after a fantasy LDR.

It's not a good idea for the kid, the dad, or the GF. It's nothing but avoidable stress and has potential for big,long lasting, drama.



Nomorebeans said:


> He doesn't have options at this point, MBH.
> 
> It's not about him having to meet her at all that bothers me - it's that his Dad didn't consider how he might feel about spending several days with her so soon after meeting her before making his plans.
> 
> Do you have the same attitude about my son as you do about me? He doesn't have to like it and he does have to deal with it? Maybe my parenting is too coddling, but I don't think it's fair to apply that to a 13-year-old.


Well, here I have to say that I have a "life's not fair, deal with it" attitude with my kids. 18 years is a very short time to prepare them for release into the wild. At 13, your boy will be a man in 5 short years. The world is full of *********s and bad situations. Some of those *********s will be his professors, bosses, and co-workers. He's gonna have to learn how to cope.

In the same situation, I'd tell my boy to suck it up and be polite. To try to get along with an elder, yadda yadda. 

I'd also tell him he had every right to let both his father and the GF know exactly how he feels as long as he did it with a civil tongue.

My ex moved out of state and didn't see the girls for about 8 years. His mother wanted to take them for a few weeks at her place and let them see their father if they wanted to.

My girls fight like cats and dogs, so their grandparents decided to divide them up to keep the peace. My older daughter went to her fathers house and the younger stayed with the grandparents. After a couple of days, they'd swap. Not what I signed up for, not what I agreed to when I let their grandma come get them, but I was 3 states away and had to trust that my then 11 year and 16 year old kids were able to deal.

Of course, my ex had remarried and neither girl had ever met his wife on top of not seeing him for 8 years. I got to suck up the worry and anger so I could instruct the girls to treat the new wife with the respect due any adult and to stand up for themselves when warranted.

That was 5 years ago. My middle refuses to speak to her father or his wife at all. Since she's 16, I won't make her. 

A year after that trip, when my oldest turned 17, she went back down south to help care for her grandfather when he had cancer. She tolerates her step-mother because of her two young half siblings, but their relationship is very strained. So strained that when their grandpa passed in July, apparently step-mom got a bit mouthy with the girls grandmother one too many times over the life insurance and my oldest ended up knocking out one of the woman's teeth.

As long as people are still speaking and no one's throwing punches, you folks will be handling parent SO relationships better than we did...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Ooooh, heeeyyyy.

Has your ex talked to the boy about his GF? Has he told his son what she's like or related stories or anything? Is there a chance your boy and the GF can talk online, maybe Skype, before she moves in and he has to stay with them? Maybe if he got to know her a bit online it wouldn't be so awkward when they're together at his dads house.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

For all the reasons you stated, MJJ, I think it's a very bad idea.

It just goes to show you a narcissist's view of the world. It's all about them and what they want, and no one else matters. Not even their own kids.

I agree with you, too, STR, that she is a weakling who will yes him to death. Just what narcissists need - constant agreement and validation that they know best about everything.

MJJ, yes, my son has told me his Dad has told him about the GF - a little biography, stuff she's interested in, etc. He also told him, like he had told me, that she reminds him of his sister (our son's aunt), and like me, he thinks that's creepy. He has no interest in talking to her online or on the phone before meeting her.

We'll see what he thinks of this development after they talk about it tonight.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think the fact you tossed her extra weight out there implies you are still mad and hurt. So honestly id let it go. I think you still need to wrap your head around how much better off you are wout the ex. Then these things won't bother you so much. So I'm assuming she over a deuce(200) if she ways 80 more than you. Has she got a big butt? That's kinda in style now


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I weigh 125, so yes, she's over a deuce. He's the one who's told me she weighs more than he does - he weighs 175 - and probably about 80 more than I do. He volunteered all this information shortly after DDay, when he for some reason decided to describe her appearance and life story to me in graphic detail.

Yes it still bothers me. Obviously. But I think that even if it didn't - say, hypothetically, I was interested in a new guy and was finally not hurting about it at all anymore - I would be concerned that he was exposing our son to the new person in his life in this way so soon after we separated and divorced. Definitely against all advice you'll find from any counselor anywhere.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Well, he talked with our son and told me he was "unfazed" by the whole thing. Later, I asked our son privately if he was OK with it, and he said, "I can't not be OK with it, can I?" So, EH the Liar rides again. My son is very direct, and I'm sure he said about as much to his Dad.

I asked EH why her move couldn't just be postponed a few weeks, when she's not leaving a job or having to vacate the home that she's keeping and her daughter still lives in. He admitted that he did remember the October thing (he had previously tried to tell me he just forgot) and mentioned that to her, but it was important to her that it be the end of September, and that he's been "putting her on the back burner through all of this trying to be considerate of my feelings, and she's had enough."

What kind of person moves out of state to be with the man whose marriage she helped destroy knowing that his 13-year-old son who hasn't met her yet will need to spend five days with them two weeks after she moves in? I'll let you all fill in the blank.

I'm working on arranging for him to spend that Saturday night at a sleepover with one of his friends. I'd do that for Friday night, too, but sleepovers tend to leave him exhausted when he has too many of them in short succession.

After that, EH swears he'll minimize our son's time with the GF by doing stuff alone with him elsewhere. He'll be in school for three of the days out of five, and EH says at no time will he leave him alone with her.

Won't that be a fun five days for everyone? What a p****-whipped idiot.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry NMB, he just can't help himself can he? It was bound to happen sooner or later but I can understand why it bugs you.

You are doing all you can to minimize the impact of meeting her and yeah I've filled in the blanks on why her move needed to be before your trip. He has f'ed up this whole year for you so far try not to let him completely ruin your trip to NY. Your son is a strong kid, he will be OK.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> ...and he couldn't do it for me.
> 
> He met her at an out-of-state funeral. He had only spent five days in December with her at this point, that he lied to me about at the time. She is 3 years older and weighs about 80 pounds more than I. The weight thing is important to mention because he is a Fat Shamer who made me feel bad the couple times in our marriage I dared to gain 15 or 20 pounds.





Nomorebeans said:


> I weigh 125, so yes, she's over a deuce. He's the one who's told me she weighs more than he does - he weighs 175 - and probably about 80 more than I do. He volunteered all this information shortly after DDay, when he for some reason decided to describe her appearance and life story to me in graphic detail.
> 
> Yes it still bothers me. Obviously. But I think that even if it didn't - say, hypothetically, I was interested in a new guy and was finally not hurting about it at all anymore - I would be concerned that he was exposing our son to the new person in his life in this way so soon after we separated and divorced. Definitely against all advice you'll find from any counselor anywhere.


I'd be concerned your Ex would be nit picking and fat shaming this woman in front of your son. He hasn't spent that much time with her in person. If he's really a fat shamer, he's going to start in on her at some point for being overweight. Either she'll take it or they'll viciously argue.

My kids met my DH very soon after their father and I split. But he and I were friends before we got involved. I had been to his family business where he worked. I'd been to his home and met his Aunt, Uncle, and a mess of cousins. I knew all of his friends. We spent time together in real life alone together, with his family, with his friends, and with my friends.

It's a bit different when we're talking about someone who has only spent 5 days with the parent. Sure, they have their online relationship, but what does he really know about her? About her habits? Only what she has told him. That's the part that would bother me. But then maybe I am a cynical old bat with trust issues who thinks people don't know each other until they've spent time together in the real world.:scratchhead:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I'd be concerned your Ex would be nit picking and fat shaming this woman in front of your son. He hasn't spent that much time with her in person. If he's really a fat shamer, he's going to start in on her at some point for being overweight. Either she'll take it or they'll viciously argue.
> 
> My kids met my DH very soon after their father and I split. But he and I were friends before we got involved. I had been to his family business where he worked. I'd been to his home and met his Aunt, Uncle, and a mess of cousins. I knew all of his friends. We spent time together in real life alone together, with his family, with his friends, and with my friends.
> 
> It's a bit different when we're talking about someone who has only spent 5 days with the parent. Sure, they have their online relationship, but what does he really know about her? About her habits? Only what she has told him. That's the part that would bother me. But then maybe I am a cynical old bat with trust issues who thinks people don't know each other until they've spent time together in the real world.:scratchhead:


That's a very valid concern. I've had to ask the ex in times past not to fat shame people on TV and in our lives in conversation in front of him, because I didn't want it to rub off on him. Fortunately, he seems to make fun of kids he knows to me and his friends for the content of their character, not their looks. One time I actually overheard him saying to a friend, "He's kind of a bully." The friend goes, "And he's FAT." He goes, "That doesn't matter. He IS a bully, though."

He started seeing the OW, and suddenly I'd catch him watching Mike and Molly - a show he once mocked me for "watching a show about people desperately in need of a salad." It came out that he thinks the OW looks like Melissa McCarthy. (She doesn't - I've seen a picture - Melissa McCarthy is pretty.) I'd think maybe he's always secretly liked heavier women, and maybe he has, but he keeps telling me lately how "delighted" he is that I've lost "the weight." One of the things I've journaled about - this is the depth of his insensitivity. I lost the 25 pounds I did because I couldn't eat or sleep for two months after I found out about her.

He's spent more than 5 days with her - he's spent a whopping 11! In a year! The five days were the trip he took back to see her in December that he lied to me about. The other six were the time she flew down here to see him in May when he had just moved out the week before. But yes, I get your point. It's almost like even he expects it to fail. Today I told him, and not sarcastically, I hope it works out for him. He goes, "Oh, I don't know that it will." Well, there's a vote of confidence. He also told me her two adult daughters "are all weird about" their relationship, and their Dad's dead! (Did I mention he was insensitive?) They're not all weird. They have moral character. They must take after their father.


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