# Can I get past the EA



## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Hi,

My partner and I were blissfully happy, although mitigating circumstances (work, family moving in with us and stress) impacted on our sex life.

Things got bad and it all came to a head two weeks ago when my partner said they wanted space.

So much talking and running (on their part) took place, we discussed the issues and I was willing to try, they kept saying they were scared and too much had been said etc. 

Anyway, yesterday my partner told me they were having an EA, it has only been going on for a few weeks but that they did have 'sexual' feelings for someone else. 

Needless to say I was gutted, I asked how important this person was and they said not important at all, I asked if they were happy to avoid all further contact and they said yes. They work together but my partner is happy to give up their job etc (its only a part time job) My partner suggested all this not me.

We spoke some more and I asked if they wanted our life back and they said yes, I asked if they were committed to it and again they said yes. They said they were scared it wouldn't work out (as am I) but that they were willing to try 100%

Prior to knowing all this I had told them to leave as they weren't sure about our 3 year marriage. They were sleeping on friends couches etc, so I gave them a couple of days in our home to think and sort their head out. I'm moving back home today as they are going to spend the holidays with their family. I need the space too so I'm not concerned.

They said it would be hard just to jump straight back into the marriage and start living together again etc but I'm not for that, I want to be living in the same home and working through it together.

Should I insist on this?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

First thing is, congratulations to the both of you for trying to be honest despite your fears. Extramarital affairs expert, Peggy Vaughan says this is the most important element. She also says that it is important to acknowledge feelings for others when they occur, which they will.

My gut feeling is that I would not insist, however, sexual intimacy is very helpful in the rebuilding and for that reason, my suggestion would be to look at your reuniting under the same roof as a "honeymoon" experience. Talk, be kind above all, lots of love...that's what helped us in being victorious over my husband's affair.

In other words, make your partner want to come home and be intimate with you. Comfort breeds intimacy which breeds comfort, etc.

Best,

Lyn


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Lyn said:


> First thing is, congratulations to the both of you for trying to be honest despite your fears. Extramarital affairs expert, Peggy Vaughan says this is the most important element. She also says that it is important to acknowledge feelings for others when they occur, which they will.
> 
> My gut feeling is that I would not insist, however, sexual intimacy is very helpful in the rebuilding and for that reason, my suggestion would be to look at your reuniting under the same roof as a "honeymoon" experience. Talk, be kind above all, lots of love...that's what helped us in being victorious over my husband's affair.
> 
> ...


Thanks Lyn, a 'honeymoon' period is how I planned to play it, we both have work commitments etc but I dunno if we are stuck in roommate syndrome or what the hell is happening if I am honest.

I wonder if its my self esteem that cant cope with further separation. Or is it the right thing to do for the marriage? I just think its easier to walk away when you are not in the persons space if that makes sense? I feel as if I am making it very easy for the marriage to break up.

I know they said they would try etc etc etc but....I am filled with doubts


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

hohum said:


> Thanks Lyn, a 'honeymoon' period is how I planned to play it, we both have work commitments etc but I dunno if we are stuck in roommate syndrome or what the hell is happening if I am honest.
> 
> I wonder if its my self esteem that cant cope with further separation. Or is it the right thing to do for the marriage? I just think its easier to walk away when you are not in the persons space if that makes sense? I feel as if I am making it very easy for the marriage to break up.
> 
> I know *they *said *they *would try etc etc etc but....I am filled with doubts


hope you wouldn't mind my asking that " in your post do you mean to say he/she when you say they ? 
your partner is one person ..right ?

Best of luck


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Yes


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

So we are speaking more and more even though she is now at her mother's home (hundreds of miles away) we are texting and then call in the evening and we talk about how we are both feeling.

Right now she tells me her self esteem is really low and that she is scared of being alone etc. She asked if I thought we could be friends because the thought of not having me in her life kills her. For my part I said I didnt know, unrequited love isnt my bag and Im not that much of a masochist.

Anyway, these are all just thoughts she said, she doesn't know if she wants to be alone and to sort out her issues. 

We met when she was 26 and I 33, she's now 32 and I am 39, there are no children involved. She said I gave her everything she needed but she also said she thinks its stuff she can do for herself.

I want to try, basically all that is wrong is the sex, we both lost our way due to work and home pressures (renovated a house) she is so hung up on this Im her best friend thing though and obviously there were the feelings for someone else.

I really don't know what to do, I thought we were going to try but Im getting so many mixed signals that I don't know whether I am coming or going!!

She says she is scared to try, that it might not work out, that all this hurt will happen all over again. I say, try, I'll be so resentful if she doesn't try. However, she has to want to and well....

She says she wants to grow but on the same hand she says Ive helped her grow so why cant she just keep growing with me? 

I think I'm being too nice, I feel I should just end it but I am pleased that she is opening up to me and talking about her feelings. She is always mindful to say 'these are just the thoughts I am having' so at least we have communication now, the lack of communication is what dragged us to where we are now!!

Then again I wonder if I am merely being a counsellor for her? 

The other factor is I do not want to leave our home, its my blood sweat and tears that created it and if I do leave I will have to live with my mother. Nearly 40 and living at home!! What a catch eh? 

Anyway, sorry for rambling, my head is all over the place


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> she asked if I thought we could be friends because the thought of not having me in her life kills her.


If you separate you are no longer friends and she must know that. 

To ensure the affair is over and you are following a plan to recover the relationship

She leaves her job, this is a no option , or you let her company know she is on an affair and one of them must be removed, Every day she sees the OM she is still in the affair and it will never break to enable you to rebuild your relationship


Standard process is :

1. She writes a no contact letter

2. She provides full transparency of everything, mails, movement etc.

3. She commits to rebuild the marriage/partnership

any discussion other than the above is fog talk, she is still in the affair land.

Links to the articles below: 

Articles

The affair is nowhere near over and I am asking you not to assume it is until she has evidenced this over a number of months. 

Roll up your sleeves and fight for your partner.


You refferd to her as your partner!! are you married or in a partnership, helps us get the terminology correct . It does not change the plan or route you follow.

You can both get through and build a stronger heather relationship, it requires a commitment from her to end the affair .


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> If you separate you are no longer friends and she must know that.
> 
> To ensure the affair is over and you are following a plan to recover the relationship
> 
> ...


We are married, she says it was never really even an EA just that she realised she was developing feelings. the OP is 23!!

Right now she doesnt know if she wants to try, thinks too much has been said etc, whereas I am happy its all out in the open.

She suggested leaving work etc etc etc that was just the other day when she committed to trying but now it seems she has taken cold feet again ob the trying front


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The affair is not over, I assure you of this, take this from experience and do not think differently. You need to suck your gut in and fight for your marriage NOW. 

So you run a plan A ..



> The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
> 
> 
> The carrot of Plan A
> ...


The first step is exposure,

In your case I am going to suggest you expose this to her parents, siblings and one close friend however as you have a 23 single male in the picture you must take it further..

You track him down on facebook, they all have facebook - he may even be under your wifes friends list. 

You message all his friends therein with the following ( 60seconds between each message or it will lock up)



> Dear friend of XXXX,(full name of OM)
> 
> It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends and family should know that XXX is having an affair with my wife, (your wifes first and last name) . They started the affair in ZZZZ.
> 
> ...



You ensure you include some of your wifes work acquaintances. 

The exposure has to be all at the same time, no drip drip. 

Call the HR department and mail them of the affair in the workplace.



Please do not stand back and say it will make it worse, she WILL leave the marriage while she is still in the affair, unless you stop it. She is in the fog and needs help to break the addiction. 

Start today and don't blink, this is a tried and proven process and we can write the script that the affair persons will follow. We can also write the script that says you have a sense of fear to do what has to be done to save your marriage. 

Don't fear, it stops you saving your marriage.

BTW stop being politically correct she is your wife not your partner be proud of that in your words, actions and deeds.

The processes above it the tried and proven route from the Marriage Builders site and Affairecare site, both are committed to saving marriages, so it is not a personal view. The journey is well trodden and you can save your marriage if you follow this path.


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

I'm not that vindictive, she says that she has no feelings for the op and that they can easily be removed from her life, she has also said that absolutely nothing physical occurred, there was no flirting etc just that she found she had feelings. She also says that the OP is entirely blameless.

The thing that is stopping her trying is fear and also the fact that our sex life dwindled, she added that before we did things in bed that wasn't really her so...I have said that communication has been an issue etc etc etc so now we're communicating but with 100s of miles between us.

She also said that she doesn't know if she is good enough for me etc etc all the usual stuff I guess.

I think deep down she would love to trial separate and see how she copes with being alone and without me but I simply cannot take anymore of this emotional rollercoaster


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I'm not that vindictive, she says that she has no feelings for the op and that they can easily be removed from her life,


Another betrayed spouse comment , standard and well documented especially the


> I'm not that vindictive,


. 


You wife is in an emotional affair, you may choose to pretend that it can be controlled, these are as devastating as the physical affair. Please do listen!!!! You are new to this we are not! that is why sites such as this one , Marriage Builders and affaircare exist. - to save your marriage. 

Read the following

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity




> I think deep down she would love to trial separation


Of course she does because she want to have the option of having sex with him.

You have the opportunity to stop this now save your marriage, if you do not well,,,write your own words.

If you have any doubt research the Talk About Marriage threads and the following

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=35&page=1

Common sense tells you your marriage is in trouble and the presence of a third party who in truth does not care about you or your wife is destroying your marriage.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> she has no feelings for the op and that they can easily be removed from her life


If this is true then writing a no contact letter is easy, check the article link below

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles.htm

there are sample letters therein, ask her to write one see if she does, if not, you have your answer. She is still in the affair, It is that black and white.


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Thanks for that but I really don't believe they are, i think she was unhappy and understand why feelings started to develop for someone else.

we have to try and get past what has happened before, we have to work on what went wrong. We were so utterly in love at one point and I want that back, I feel she owes it to me to try but I'm obviously aware that I cant make her.

I'm also afraid to put my heart on the line again if she isnt going to be 100% committed.

Apparently you actually can love someone too much


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> But I really don't believe they are, i think she was unhappy and understand why feelings started to develop for someone else.


Process is stop the affair first

Plan A is one step in the journey to restore the love between you, what is happening now you are unable to get past the stop the affair part to work on rebuilding the marriage. While the affair is in place you have zero chance or returning the love to your marriage.

There a many many examples how the love can be restored to the marriage and it becomes a better marriage. 

For starters she must leave her job, you have to have 20 hours a week face to face, dating etc. personal time together. The OM is filling this need you are not. 

You can debate this a much as you want, you are not unique. I have given you the first set of tools to start saving your marriage. Act on them now. 

The affair care link tells you the why and the how. Do start.

Buy the "his needs her needs" book by Harley from Amazon.. Be together and both read it.


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Yes I get all that but what can I do if she does not want to try????


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Yes I get all that but what can I do if she does not want to try????


That is why you expose the affair! Her parents siblings and one close friend, For him as many as you can to get him out of the picture. 

She leaves her job.

You refuse a divorce or separation

You fight hard for your marriage. 

You are still on the debate, analyze, mull stage, STOP. Once the affair is exposed you can work on the save the marriage component.

In the interim you switch to Plan A and stay on it , this is a hard journey, be prepared. 

Read the below for an example note to family



> Dear XXX
> 
> I would like to ask you to support YYYY(your wifes name) and myself in restoring our marriage which currently is undergoing an extremely difficult time due to XXX (OM full name ) and YYY( your wifes full name) being involved in an adulterous affair which is affecting our marriage and both of our physical and mental health.
> 
> ...


for the note to the family, you can if you chose change it to say emotional affair

Have you read the articles in the affair care site?

At a minimum as a starter get your wife to write a No Contact letter


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> That is why you expose the affair! Her parents siblings and one close friend, For him as many as you can to get him out of the picture.
> 
> She leaves her job.
> 
> ...


Well her mother already knows so I don't need to tell her, the rest of the family are so distant that they don't matter. As for friends, I really don't think I could do it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You will get some push from us as you are following a typical betrayed spouse pattern and exhibiting fear. 

Hope, faith , trust, prayer or anything else other than direct action, words and deeds is not going to save your marriage.

Exposing to the OM family and friends?


Your plan to save your marriage is?


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> You will get some push from us as you are following a typical betrayed spouse pattern and exhibiting fear.
> 
> Hope, faith , trust, prayer or anything else other than direct action, words and deeds is not going to save your marriage.
> 
> ...


My plan is to keep talking, she is being open and honest with me telling me exactly how she feels. I listen and tell her how I feel, we've communicated more in the past two weeks than we have in the past 2 years!!

I need to get her to not give up, I will ask if she is still in contact with the other and ask if she thinks that is helping, I will put it to her that obviously the contact is not helping matters.

I can only do what I can do, I will not tell all that she has had an EA. I have thought about the OP and thought of contacting them directly and telling them to back the eff off!!

We will chat again tonight, maybe nothing more will be said who knows


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

I'm so angry..........with myself

I am the one who has been cheated, I am the one who has been betrayed and I am the only one bending over backwards to even get her to try!!!!!!!

I feel like such a doormat! I need to check out of this for my own self esteem and self worth!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

What has happened since your last post?

You have a plan to follow, whatever happens now be calm, no anger, enjoy tomorrow with your children. Do not make rash decisions and keep focused. Methodical planning , exposure to all Plan A, smile even if it hurts be the best husband you can be. Do not say what you are going to do.

Get the OM out of your life, I'd his family and friends, expose to her family and close friends.

Be strong, your marriage is worth the fight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

For today and tomorrow breathe deep, no relationship discussions. Be the amazing husband you are. Pick this up after Christmas and form a solid plan .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> For today and tomorrow breathe deep, no relationship discussions. Be the amazing husband you are. Pick this up after Christmas and form a solid plan .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheers, she is not with me at christmas, she has left me home alone as my entire family had prebooked at trip overseas, I told them not to cancel. I will be going from house to house so I wont be alone entirely but it will be friends. Anyway...I plan to have a good Christmas 

We may speak on the phone and I will be sweetness and light but it is over!

She called tonight, I asked why she was now saying that the EA was in fact nothing. I couldn't get past the fact that they had actually spoken about their feelings so it just isn't logical that it was nothing!!

We were chatting away about our respective days and she said how she and her mum passed my fave antique store, She then asked if I really enjoyed looking around antiques with her. Upon reflection it is this and nothing else that has really made me sit up and take note!! She is soo unsure of who I am or who she is that she doesn't even know what was real? WTF???? It's as if she has disengaged from the wonderful years we had together before this mess all started about 6 months ago!! 

This is what I am up against, someone so focussed on the negatives of the last 6 months that they simply refuse to see the positives. 

I'm fighting a losing battle here!! We at least need to separate or end it for good. 

With separation she may wake up but I really don't think I can handle this limbo for much longer, it's consuming me, breaking me, I've invested far too much of my own emotional bank that I am now overdrawn!!

I need to breath for me!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you any evidence your wife is in an affair, copies of text message, emails etc. Her admission.

Have her move back home and both of you start working together, if she is still in the affair you have little choice to expose particularly to the company.

In the intermim do your research.

Relax and think clearly, read the affaircare site and MB site for more background.


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Have you any evidence your wife is in an affair, copies of text message, emails etc. Her admission.
> 
> Have her move back home and both of you start working together, if she is still in the affair you have little choice to expose particularly to the company.
> 
> ...


She admitted it was an EA, now she is saying it wasn't really...its just more lies as she tries to get over her guilt and make herself feel better.

She wont move back home!!! This is what I've been trying to get her to do for the past two weeks, I wanted her to view the positives etc but she just refuses to see them saying that the only positive is we're best friends!!

Its over!


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Update for you guys

Yesterday was tough (Christmas Day) we were both really feeling it and when we spoke on the phone last night she said that she was really missing me. She also said she got the feeling that I was done with the whole situation, I said I was just trying to get through Christmas

I went to a friends house last night, and we had a really good time talking and eating good cheeses etc etc etc I felt good about the future although I admitted to my friends that I would much rather my wife was going to be a part of it.

Well this morning I get a phone call, she wants to know how I feel, I said the same and she said she really wants to try!! 

At last, my wife wants to try!! And now for the hard part....she will leave work, she will cut all contact with one particular social circle (lots of single females and males) 

I will ask to see a letter like the ones you guys have suggested.

We are best friends, that has never left either of us, she said that we need to work on the sex that slipped, (obviously) 

So can anyone recommend what I start reading now? I'm going to therapy as I need to sort out some stuff with me, hopefully she will go too but...right now I'm just delighted that she wants to try although I am aware it wont be a walk in the park


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Excuse any typo's this is from a mobile

I suggest you buy

"his need her needs" and " surviving an affair " both by Harley. Go the marriage builders site and download the emotional needs questioners , read his articles and both you and your wife complete the questioners. 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Affaircare articles

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles.htm


A word of caution your wife may flip flop a bit, so the NC letter is critical as is leaving the job , no delays in leaving as she will feel the urge to go back to him when she sees or talks to him.

A call to a councilor either from the affaircare site or the MB site will ground you approach, it does cost but is well worth the money to save you marriage


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hohum (Dec 14, 2010)

Just an update for you guys

My wife has been home for 1 week now, things are good, we are spending lots of quality time together and being intimate but not so intimate as to have sex....that will take time and both of us are happy for this to be the case.

There is zero contact with the other person, she is being super considerate as am I.

She still gets the pang of guilt which is difficult for her, and keeps saying she can't believe she nearly messed up our marriage but I think we can both work through it and so does she which is the important factor. Therapy is the next step for both of us as I obviously have some issues too.

This weekend we are off in a city break together, so far so good.

I'm not saying its fully back to where it should be but with baby steps I'm super positive we will get there. 

Thank you to all of you who gave advice and steered me to the correct discussion links...it's helped me more than you can imagine.

I hope I'm not back on here anytime soon but...


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