# WTF!



## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

So I asked him to leave a few months back...he refuses because he wants to be here for the kids. I finally filled for custody of the kids and have been struggling to have him served (it makes things so final). Anyhow we've now gone several weeks with hardly any speaking between the two of us. I've noticed over the last week him really putting an effort towards being nice so I thanked him for being better last night and said how much I appreciate his efforts lately to not smoke weed when the kids are awake and for his help with the kids lately. I also thanked him for drinking less and mentioned how his mood has improved.
We go to bed and I almost feel like heaven forbid we could have a chance if he could keep this up. About 11:30 the kids wake up coughing. They've been sick for about 3 weeks with runny noses and no other symptoms. I let them come to bed thinking hey lets comfort the sick kids. He seems fine at first but after about the 3rd coughing episode he looses it. Goes off about how he can't effing take it and why haven't I taken them to the dr? Which I did do when they initially got sick and she said the upper respiratory bug is nasty this year and could hang around for up to 6 weeks. He finishes sleeping on the couch.
Anyhow this morning he wakes up particularly affectionate and gives a very genuine apology for snapping last night. Says how he just hates to see the kids sick and be able to help them. Ask me to start a pot of coffee and says he would eat leftover soup for lunch. He goes to shower and I start the coffee. Then I go get firewood (it was 20 degrees last night and we forgot to stoke the fire before bed) and start a fire in the wood stove. When he gets out of the shower he flips another fit because I didn't put any soup in Tupperware for him. Goes on and on about how if I had done this he could spend some time with his kids. All he wanted this morning was 5 minutes with the kids and because of me he cannot do that. By the time his rant was over I felt like ****. But I'm not even sure why? I did nothing wrong...I was normal and agreeable. 
Yet he wonders why I want a divorce. Why I feel I need to protect the children from his emotional wrath. Why I feel hopeless towards our relationship. Why I will only agree to work on things with counseling. I'm an emotional wreck and need help myself. I want to be back on track with my life again. I want to be out of this nightmare. How does someone go from perfectly normal to douche over things that seem like nothing?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Print this out and give it to him. You think he knows what's driving you away. He doesn't. I think this will explain it to him.


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## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

He doesn't like that I come to this forum. If we argue he eggs me on "visit your blog" "go and ***** about me" "cant work it out ourselves" "pitiful". He does not accept that our relationship is in deep deep trouble and may be not be resuscitated. I feel like he has not a care about my needs or emotions.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Wow on the major mood swings. I can't blame you for wanting to get away from that, because it is major 'walking on eggshells' situation.


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## Jennifer871 (Oct 26, 2013)

I don't know your backstory so I apologize if I've missed anything but is it possible he is depressed?

i dont blame your for wanting to divorce. I would insist on counselling or divorce. Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Men are advised not to leave the family home without a custody and separation agreement in place. Doing so can cost him in financial and custody fights later. So he's smart to refuse to leave. If you want to separate perhaps you should be the one to go.


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## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

The home we live in is part of a family trust in my family. I have living rights and if it is ever sold the profit is to be split between me and 2 sisters. My dad lives with us to and we are supposed to be taking care of him. I'm sure that is stressful for him. 
I don't believe he will be very happy about what I have put for custody. I said no overnight visitation until he passes a drug/alcohol screen, goes to co-parenting classes and completes anger management. I also stated the children cannot visit any homes where marijuana medical or not is grown. Some of the not having him served is fear of his reaction as well. I have my checking account and he has his. I take a set amount from his account to pay bills every month. I haven't taken the last agreed upon amount for this month; I thought it would be nice for him to have something to start out on his own with.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

I am going thru the exact same thing. my husband will refuse to leave because of kids too. (I have filed). So I have to put up with his mood swings. One day he is super nice, next day he is crazy hostile. I keep pointing this out that he needs to move out, this is not good for the kids but he wont go. I know maybe I should just leave then, but I am the only one that makes enough to afford our mortgage... plus the house is more in my name than his. And I WANT to stay in my house. Just not with him.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

> The home we live in is part of a family trust in my family. I have living rights and if it is ever sold the profit is to be split between me and 2 sisters. My dad lives with us to and we are supposed to be taking care of him. I'm sure that is stressful for him.
> I don't believe he will be very happy about what I have put for custody. I said no overnight visitation until he passes a drug/alcohol screen, goes to co-parenting classes and completes anger management. I also stated the children cannot visit any homes where marijuana medical or not is grown. Some of the not having him served is fear of his reaction as well. I have my checking account and he has his. I take a set amount from his account to pay bills every month. I haven't taken the last agreed upon amount for this month; I thought it would be nice for him to have something to start out on his own with.





> I am going thru the exact same thing. my husband will refuse to leave because of kids too. (I have filed). So I have to put up with his mood swings. One day he is super nice, next day he is crazy hostile. I keep pointing this out that he needs to move out, this is not good for the kids but he wont go. I know maybe I should just leave then, but I am the only one that makes enough to afford our mortgage... plus the house is more in my name than his. And I WANT to stay in my house. Just not with him.


You are both perfectly right to desire an end to the craziness. It's not only unhealthy for you, it's unhealthy for the kids. Let these guys take their tantrums to the 'outside world' and see who is willing to put up with them.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

itzachicken said:


> So I asked him to leave a few months back...he refuses because he wants to be here for the kids. I finally filled for custody of the kids and have been struggling to have him served (it makes things so final). Anyhow we've now gone several weeks with hardly any speaking between the two of us. I've noticed over the last week him really putting an effort towards being nice so I thanked him for being better last night and said how much I appreciate his efforts lately to not smoke weed when the kids are awake and for his help with the kids lately. I also thanked him for drinking less and mentioned how his mood has improved.
> We go to bed and I almost feel like heaven forbid we could have a chance if he could keep this up. About 11:30 the kids wake up coughing. They've been sick for about 3 weeks with runny noses and no other symptoms. I let them come to bed thinking hey lets comfort the sick kids. He seems fine at first but after about the 3rd coughing episode he looses it. Goes off about how he can't effing take it and why haven't I taken them to the dr? Which I did do when they initially got sick and she said the upper respiratory bug is nasty this year and could hang around for up to 6 weeks. He finishes sleeping on the couch.
> Anyhow this morning he wakes up particularly affectionate and gives a very genuine apology for snapping last night. Says how he just hates to see the kids sick and be able to help them. Ask me to start a pot of coffee and says he would eat leftover soup for lunch. He goes to shower and I start the coffee. Then I go get firewood (it was 20 degrees last night and we forgot to stoke the fire before bed) and start a fire in the wood stove. When he gets out of the shower he flips another fit because I didn't put any soup in Tupperware for him. Goes on and on about how if I had done this he could spend some time with his kids. All he wanted this morning was 5 minutes with the kids and because of me he cannot do that. By the time his rant was over I felt like ****. But I'm not even sure why? I did nothing wrong...I was normal and agreeable.
> Yet he wonders why I want a divorce. Why I feel I need to protect the children from his emotional wrath. Why I feel hopeless towards our relationship. Why I will only agree to work on things with counseling. I'm an emotional wreck and need help myself. I want to be back on track with my life again. I want to be out of this nightmare. How does someone go from perfectly normal to douche over things that seem like nothing?


I don't know your story but am wondering how you reacted to this? 
My H used to do that and I always reacted badly. Then I started completely ignoring it. That didn't do much good cuz I felt like it needed to be pointed out and it would just piss him off even more. So, I changed my strategy again, I would look right at him and in a very calm voice, neutral tone and say "wow, look at you, going off over soup?". And then I would just walk away like it had no effect using the least amount of words as possible so he couldn't interrupt. He was so shocked that I said something that I was able to get it all out real quick. lol He eventually got tired of me pointing it out and disengaging so quickly (rather than reacting) until now he hardly ever does it. Sort of like a hit and run. Point it out and bam-walk away completely unfazed.



itzachicken said:


> He doesn't like that I come to this forum. If we argue he eggs me on "visit your blog" "go and ***** about me" "cant work it out ourselves" "pitiful". He does not accept that our relationship is in deep deep trouble and may be not be resuscitated. I feel like he has not a care about my needs or emotions.


Oh this is simply him not wanting to accept that you are actually right. Everytime I used to tell H about something he would always respond with "oh my, is that your God or what are you a shrink". Now I don't say anything and just let my actions or lack of reactions speak.

Best of luck to you.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

> don't know your story but am wondering how you reacted to this?
> My H used to do that and I always reacted badly. Then I started completely ignoring it. That didn't do much good cuz I felt like it needed to be pointed out and it would just piss him off even more. So, I changed my strategy again, I would look right at him and in a very calm voice, neutral tone and say "wow, look at you, going off over soup?". And then I would just walk away like it had no effect using the least amount of words as possible so he couldn't interrupt. He was so shocked that I said something that I was able to get it all out real quick. lol He eventually got tired of me pointing it out and disengaging so quickly (rather than reacting) until now he hardly ever does it. Sort of like a hit and run. Point it out and bam-walk away completely unfazed.


There is a basis in psychological theory for this approach. I have used very similar with my husband, who is an absolute and total drama queen (recently saying that blood was "pouring out" of a cracked lip which had a mere pinpoint of blood). I used to interact with him at _his _level, which was to say "oh no, what happened" and try to pacify him during his meltdowns, but now I kind of look, see he's not actually bleeding out and then ignore the drama, tell him he's fine and just continue eating my meal. 

It's called operant conditioning and you can look it up if you really want all the details, but when people unknowingly "reward" these crazy spouses with lots of attention, they "reinforce" their behavior and it will not stop. Many of them learned it in childhood, and I can absolutely see it in my husband's case, because it's exactly how he interacts with his mom to this day. And he is 46, so that's kinda scary. His mom still rewards and reinforces his behavior (without knowing what she is doing of course) but I do not. I have seen some improvements in my h's behavior from not "rewarding" his behavior with attention, and it can be very very useful to know.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

itzachicken said:


> I've noticed over the last week him really putting an effort towards being nice so I thanked him for being better last night and said how much I appreciate his efforts lately to not smoke weed when the kids are awake and for his help with the kids lately. I also thanked him for drinking less and mentioned how his mood has improved.


I don't know if he's addicted to pot and booze or not. But I do recognize manipulation when I see it.

I also recognize a spouse who is willing to accept mere crumbs tossed their way. So he doesn't roll a doobie in front of the kids and he drinks "less."

Gee, sounds like a real prize.


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## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

I completely shut down....Ignored him when he asked me a question I didn't answer. I do it a lot; its how I cope with his tantrums. Episodes like this will go on for weeks and I will bottle it up then after a while one of his tantrums for no reason will set me off like a time-bomb. Like I said I no longer want to live this way.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

itzachicken said:


> I completely shut down....Ignored him when he asked me a question I didn't answer. I do it a lot; its how I cope with his tantrums. Episodes like this will go on for weeks and I will bottle it up then after a while one of his tantrums for no reason will set me off like a time-bomb. Like I said I no longer want to live this way.


I understand. I'm not trying to minimize your experience. I just thought I would put that out there for anyone who is not at the stage that you are at. I agree with you that this situation is really miserable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So are you going to leave or allow him to schmooze his way into staying?


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

janefw said:


> There is a basis in psychological theory for this approach. I have used very similar with my husband, who is an absolute and total drama queen (recently saying that blood was "pouring out" of a cracked lip which had a mere pinpoint of blood). I used to interact with him at _his _level, which was to say "oh no, what happened" and try to pacify him during his meltdowns, but now I kind of look, see he's not actually bleeding out and then ignore the drama, tell him he's fine and just continue eating my meal.
> 
> It's called operant conditioning and you can look it up if you really want all the details, but when people unknowingly "reward" these crazy spouses with lots of attention, they "reinforce" their behavior and it will not stop. Many of them learned it in childhood, and I can absolutely see it in my husband's case, because it's exactly how he interacts with his mom to this day. And he is 46, so that's kinda scary. His mom still rewards and reinforces his behavior (without knowing what she is doing of course) but I do not. I have seen some improvements in my h's behavior from not "rewarding" his behavior with attention, and it can be very very useful to know.


Thank you Janefw, I recently read about operant conditioning but I had not tied the 2 together. Somehow I managed to implement it before reading about it. It is also a learned behavior of my H but since implementing it, he has made some changes in his behavior but still has a long way to go.



itzachicken said:


> I completely shut down....Ignored him when he asked me a question I didn't answer. I do it a lot; its how I cope with his tantrums. Episodes like this will go on for weeks and I will bottle it up then after a while one of his tantrums for no reason will set me off like a time-bomb. Like I said I no longer want to live this way.


I understand how you feel and I USED to do the same thing. The problem with doing so is that you are not addressing your issues. By doing this, you are still giving him the power.

In order to change yourself you have to acknowledge how you really feel and then figure out how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way. Shoving them down and ignoring them (suppressing them) doesn't help YOU. Then you end up blowing up later which is proving in his mind that you are the one with the issues, to which he responds by continuing to do it. It's a vicious cycle but YOU can stop it by learning how to control yourself.

Try this- next time you get angry just freeze and look around for 5 things that make you smile. 
For me- flowers, trees, water, pool, window. 
Close your eyes and say in your head, flowers, trees, water, pool, window. (keep taking deep breaths the whole time)
Repeat- flowers, trees, water, pool. 
Repeat, flowers, trees, water.
Repeat flowers, trees. 
Repeat- flowers. Take a deep breath, exhale and open your eyes.
By this time the most intense feeling is passing (you're creating a distraction by the pretty things you are focused on but not suppressing), breath and try to focus on how you feel. Learn to recognize the feeling and practice working through it and letting it go. After a while depending on how many times a day you have to deal with it, you will know how to feel it, how to control reacting to it, and how to let it go.

Took me about a week, one day as many as 8 times, to calm myself to not react and allow myself to feel it. Now when the feeling hits, I just stop, close my eyes for a second, breath, feel it and let it go- all in less than 3 seconds. 

In doing this, it has allowed me to gain control/feel/acknowledge/let go of my own feelings without reacting to them in an unhealthy or suppressing way. It also allows me to point out H's unnecessary/abusive/nasty behavior (his behavior is learned and normal for him so he MAY not realize it's not nice- debatable) but I don't allow his behavior to have a negative effect on me. I also don't simply ignore it because that could lead him believe it's ok to act like that.

Good luck.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I know it must be very hard, OP, but you're not doing your children any favours having your H around them. They will be picking up on his mood swings, silent treatment and downright nastiness, and if this goes on for much longer it could affect them and their future relationships for the rest of their lives.

Decision time, I'm afraid...


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## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

I know it's decision time. I know I'm doing best for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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