# Legal or 'regular' (?) separation?



## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi-

I've asked wife for a separation. I told her I want it and that I need it to figure out if i really want to be married or not. I don't think I do after (after being married for 12 years).

She's upset but there is no abuse, no major problems other than I don't believe I want to make the compromises and sacrifices that are required to be in a health marriage. After 12 years, we grew apart. Generally we are amicable. She's upset and sad of course.

We are close to a separation.... as I research the paperwork, 'best practices' etc... I begin to wonder if we need a Legal Separation or if an informal separation is sufficient (We can certainly write down some 'terms' around finances, kids etc).

I feel like I've read quite a bit that legal separation is the way to go. 

Wanted to ask for some opinions here.

Thinking 3-6 months. I was pushing for legal separation but that seems like a lot harder and forces some issues (like what to do about house) earlier than necessary (if the trial separation is really to help me get out and decide if I want to be married or not). 

Thanks,
:scratchhead:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Don't really have to worry about a "legal separation" in the State of Texas! There's no such animal living here!


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

So because you don't want to compromise is reason enough to destroy your wife and children's world? 

Because you want to live the free life, you get to upset the stability for the rest of your family?

I'm sorry, I am not seeing this as a valid enough reason to destroy your family.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

Let me make sure I "heard" you correctly. You want "time off" to decide IF you want to be married or not? And you want to know if a legal separation is the best option for your "time off". 

Is this a hoax?


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Ouch. No love here tonite. I hope its obvious but I dramatically over simplified the issues at hand behind the separation to try and get to the point of the topic of separation.

anyone have some advice for me?


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I personally lean towards a legal separation. When children and money and emotions are involved, things can get ugly quickly. A binding and legal agreement gives you and your wife one less thing to argue about. If there is a chance that you two decide to get a divorce, you can possibly integrate the terms of the legal separation into the final divorce decree.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Separations usually end in divorce. You cannot fix much if you do not live together.

So I'd say legal separation. Check with an attorney about how to transition from one to a divorce you will have to go through everything you'd go through in a divorce.

Why not save the money and just get a divorce.


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

parker said:


> I personally lean towards a legal separation. When children and money and emotions are involved, things can get ugly quickly. A binding and legal agreement gives you and your wife one less thing to argue about. If there is a chance that you two decide to get a divorce, you can possibly integrate the terms of the legal separation into the final divorce decree.


There we go... thanks Parker!

I think the 'to be safe and in the interest of the kids' is a great reason.

I think the chance for divorce is very high. Its pretty much a hail mary and i'm a luck bastard (and she's a saint) if I decide a separation isint what I want after going thru it... but thats a different story.

I get dividing assets, i get setting a custody schedule. Splitting savings and IRA's... easy. Setting up separate accounts... easy.

Where I get stuck is what about the house? Plan is for me to get an apartment.

I am happy to calculate child support payments and make those. 

If we divorce, she will need to decide if she wants to keep the house. The CS would cover the mortgage costs with a little to spare I think. 

How do we separate, get separate accounts, yet not put too much pressure on her w/r/t the mortgage payments? Some way to outline a 'we will together make sure we cover the costs of the house etc. during the separation' and at the time of a divorce, then make it more cut and dry for the mortgage.

does my question make sense?


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi EleGirl - I remember you from some posts I made earlier in the year.. thanks for taking the time to comment again!



EleGirl said:


> Separations usually end in divorce. You cannot fix much if you do not live together.


Agreed. I expect it to end in divorce... but i'm not 100% sure. The separation helps test/exhaust that last small percentage ~just to be sure~... sort of... its worth it to try just incase it works that we stay together.



> So I'd say legal separation. Check with an attorney about how to transition from one to a divorce you will have to go through everything you'd go through in a divorce.


We are civil and friendly still. I suggested a Mediator but she wants to even avoid that (and I think have a more casual separation).

I'm deff. leaning twoards making it formal and using a mediator as some what of a 'coach' or someone who has seen lots of these and can offer some advice or at least views on what is common.



> Why not save the money and just get a divorce.


... just incase it works out...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

some_guy_mn said:


> We are civil and friendly still. I suggested a Mediator but she wants to even avoid that (and I think have a more casual separation).
> 
> I'm deff. leaning twoards making it formal and using a mediator as some what of a 'coach' or someone who has seen lots of these and can offer some advice or at least views on what is common.
> 
> ...


Sorry to see you back.. since it means that things are not going well. 

My bet is that she wants to avoid it because she does not realize who serious this is.

What state do you live in? There are resources. Maybe I can help find something that will help you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

some_guy_mn said:


> If we divorce, she will need to decide if she wants to keep the house. The CS would cover the mortgage costs with a little to spare I think.
> 
> How do we separate, get separate accounts, yet not put too much pressure on her w/r/t the mortgage payments? Some way to outline a 'we will together make sure we cover the costs of the house etc. during the separation' and at the time of a divorce, then make it more cut and dry for the mortgage.
> 
> does my question make sense?


I take it that she's a SAHM?

Most states have self help calculators for child support and spousal support for divorce.

You can probably start there.


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that she wants to avoid it because she does not realize who serious this is.
> 
> What state do you live in? There are resources. Maybe I can help find something that will help you.


Serious in what sense? that i'm serious or that the prociess is serious?

I live in Minnesota (hence the _mn part of my username!).

She is not a SAHM... her career has never been sacrificed for for or her family (other than maternity leave). As a result of that, im kinda against the idea of spousal support. I think it isa concept from a different era and doesn't apply to our situation... but that may be another discussion. 

I have read quite a bit and think i have a pretty good feel for how its supposed to work.

The one question I cant get my head wrapped around, which I already said here... is how do you handle the house in a separation. If the separation turns into a divorce, she will need to decide if she wants to (can) stay based on budget etc. If the separation turns out to not end in marriage, we don't want to change the ownership. Given that, how do you legally separate, try to live based on those financial terms yet ensure you manage/keep the house well?


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