# Husband's not helping with the new baby



## NewMom2BabyBoy

Hi, I just had my fisrt child 2 1/2 months ago, a little boy, and he's been incredible. He's so happy during the day and he sleeps great at night. I couldn't have asked for a better baby. I was a little scared before he was born because I wasn't sure if I had what it takes to be a good mom. My mother was never really there for me and I wouldn't exactly put her in the "good mother" category. And you know the saying that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The only thing that I wasn't scared about was how my husband was going to be with the baby. We've been together for 5 years, married for 1 but have known each other since we were children. He has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he cherishes. We moved to the other side of the country about a year ago but we do get to go back a few times a year. My husband and I have been together since his daughter was only 6 months old so I felt pretty confindent in his demeanor about being a father. The problem now lies with him being a father to our child. 

He works incredibly hard at his job which is very physical and he often works 11 days straight with 3 days off. He leaves at 6 in the morning and comes home at 7pm. So with him being gone for 13 hours a day, one would think that he would want to spend time with his baby when he came home. I can understand that somedays you have a rough day at work and when you get home you just want to shut out the world. Usually that isn't the case for my husband. He comes home from work in a great mood and the first thing he does is go straight to his computer game and he will spend the entire night talking to his friends and family who also play this online game. If the baby starts crying as I'm cooking supper, I'll ask my husband to take him for a few minutes until I'm finished and he'll just say that "he's busy". I'm so tired of hearing that phrase from him. I'm to the point where I don't even care that I'm not anywhere near the top of his pirority list but it seems that the baby isn't either. 

He says that he plays the game to keep in touch with his family and friends which would be fine if it were only for a night or two each week but it's every night. He walks in the door, takes off his work clothes, uses the bathroom and walks straight to the computer because he wants to relax. I'm a stay at home mom now and plan to be until my baby starts school full time at least so I don't mind that my husband doesn't do any house work on a regular basis. I consider that a part of my job as a stay at home mom. And I love taking care of our son. It's only been 2 1/2 months so I still enjoy the time when I'm changing diapers. I'm sure that will wear off by the time I've changed my 4000th diaper, but for now it's still one of my favorite times of the day. And that's only because there's not much that you can do with an infant so I enjoy every minute with him when he's awake. He cries when he has a dirty diaper and he does nothing but smile when I'm changing him. He knows that he can depend on me to take care of him. My husband has probably changed less than 10 diapers since he was born. He's missing out on those little moments with him. He went to change him the other day and the baby did nothing but screamed the whole time because he wasn't used to seeing his dad do that for him. My husband doesn't pay attention to his cries so he hasn't learned what the different cries mean. The only time that the baby really cries for any lenght of time is when he has a really bad gas bubble in his tummy. And if I haven't calmed him down after a minute or two, my husband will look up from his game and say "Will you fix him already?" He gets frustrated because he uses a headset to talk with the other players on the game and when the baby cries, he can't hear the other people talking. 

The baby is only awake for 2 1/2 hours after my husband gets home there will be entire days when my husband doesn't even pick him up or talk to him. The baby will be in his swing as I'm cooking supper when my husband gets home and he goes straight to the computer. After I finish eating, the baby is usually ready to eat again and then I change him and it's time for him to go to bed. An hour later, my husband will look at me and say "Where's the baby?" completely oblivious to the fact that I put him to bed an hour before. 

You would think that his days off would be different but there not. The last set of 3 days that he had off I counted the hours that he played the game and I counted the time that he spent talking to or holding our baby. On Friday he spent 14 hours straight playing the game, 16 hours on Saturday and 13 hours on Sunday. 43 hours. And the time he spent with the baby over thoses 3 days - 17 minutes. And 10 of those were when he was sleeping. I laid the baby in his arms one morning as I jumped in to have a shower. So he willingly spent 7 minutes with our son and 43 hours on the game. Tell me that his pirorities are in the right order. He didn't changed on diaper, didn't feed him when I offered to pump off some milk so he could give him a bottle, still hasn't bathed him once, and hasn't rocked him to sleep. I don't even care that he not once told me that he loved me that weekend or hugged me or even talked to me other than to say that he was too busy to feed him or if I would get a glass of water or whatever. (By the way, I told him to get his own damn drink). I clean the house and cook supper and his lunch for work the next day ( which is just supper leftovers) but I'm not his slave and never have been. 

To top it all off, we decided that I would move back home in a few months with the baby to be closer to our friends and family and he would stay up here working. I'm fine with the idea and we've done this before for over a year. We don't have a problem doing the long distance thing. He flies home every 12 weeks for usually 2 weeks and then comes back out to work. But within 2 or 3 months from now, he's not going to have the chance to change his diaper of feed him or play with him. I've told him time and time again that he's going to wake up one day not long from now and regret all this time that he never spent with his son while he had the chance. 

How do I get him to put his baby on the top of his pirority list? And then how do I get him to put me a little higher up the list?

Any suggestions are welcome, and if you don't have any advice, I'd still like to just talk with someone who might have experienced this before. 

Thank you. 
(sorry for going on for so long)


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## danyell80

my husband gets that way...hes gone 4days home 4! he does nothing with my baby guy hes 7months old.when i do leave him for a few minutes he calls or comes to find me because the baby screams his head off with him.i just have my mom watch him now he does take good care of our 3yr old only cause he is older.i would rather have my mom watch him then to have my husband just let him cry.i usually end up doing it all.the baby will cry for me usually so i always give in and take over.


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## Earthmother1970

You need to sit him down and tell him exactly how his neglect of both you and the baby makes you feel. Use "I feel ..." statements and maybe a couple of examples of different episodes when you feel he has not given you and your baby the priority that you deserve. You can perhaps suggest that he cut down his computer time or leave it until after the baby has gone to bed, although you may wish to suggest that he spend a bit more time focusing on you too.

I hope things change for the better for you, your son, and your husband.


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## Hispetal

Agreed with Earthmother. And to kind of add to the "I feel..." statements, another way to not sound too nagging is to present it from the baby's need perspective. "This lil guy needs your attention and interaction too" ... so it puts the focus on the importance of his role as dad, which is the center of this to begin with. Explain that the baby needs to learn to rely on him to calm his fears, to bond with him when those separation anxieties come calling, and to fulfill those needs that babies seem to have an awful lot of!

If this doesn't create a spark of interaction with him and the baby, then be more firm and insist that the time you need for yourself shouldn't leave you feeling guilty. 

The first two years of a baby's life are SO impressionable. I hope your dialog with him will produce some good results!


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## NewMom2BabyBoy

Thanks everyone for your advice. This is the first time I've ever posted anything on a website forum and I wasn't sure that anyone would take the time to reply, so thank you.


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## NewMom2BabyBoy

I'm back. I thought that I would try and make tonight special so I went out and rented a new movie that my husband and I wanted to see and picked up our fav movie snacks. We used to enjoy going out to the movies a few times a month and we haven't had the chance since the baby was born, seeing as we live in a town where we don't know anyone well enough to watch our newborn. Anyway...

Well I had supper ready for my husband when he came home and after supper I said "I planned a date night for us tonight. I rented that movie you wanted to see and picked up some snacks."

His response was "Well I'm going to play some guitar for awhile and then I'd like to repair some guitar equipment and then I might play on the game for awhile and then I think I'll have a bath. 

He's only home from work for 3 hours before he goes to sleep and by this time it was about 8pm so we had another 2 hours before bed. I was really looking forward to tonight and I thought that he would be too seeing as this was something that he used to surprise me with all the time. He's been down stairs playing guitar for most of the last hour and then he'll turn on his game and that will be the night. 

It would have been nice even if he would have said after I'm done doing all that, it'd be nice to watch the movie with you, but it wasn't even a consideration. I just love how he would rather repair guitar equipment than spend time with me or his son. Who by the way he hasn't talked to or looked at in the hour and half that he's been home. And the baby's going to bed in about 20 minutes and there goes another day that my husband lost with our son. 

I'm just ready to give up.


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## Sensitive

This sounds too familiar. I have two sons, 7 and 3. Hubby claimed to be a good father, since he has a daughter from a previous marriage. With first son, he was somewhat helpful. After second son, he admitted to not liking babies and promised to be better when they get older. Guess what? about 7 years later, I still don't see equal parenting. Hubby was super addicted to his computer. He was online 90% of the time he was on paternity leave, and he gets 6 weeks off. He still hates feeding, bathing and cuddling the kids. My hubby recently joined a band, so he spends more free time away from me and the kids. And to make matters worse, he is not the primary bread winner. I bust my butt to work 16 hours a week, take care of the kids almost 100% of time, and still b e expected to pay for half of the mortage and living expenses and be a sex kitten and pay for his daughter's college. It really doesn't get better. Stop the cycle before it starts. If hubby gets used to not helping or not caring, then he has no reason to change. Perhaps he is jealous of the new bond from the baby, perhaps he's just not competent, perhaps he is addicted to online, perhaps he is just damn lazy. Find out and resolve it now.


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## GA2009

Newmom,

I know how you feel, it almost sounds like you are describing my husband. He has played on his computer games through our entire marriage and we have been married for 24 years. We have argued about this for many years, but i put up with it, and he is still doing it. I don't know how long you have put up with this but i know that if you don't do something about it now, it will continue for the rest of the marriage. My husband spends between 8-10 hours a day playing an online game, and since i bug him so much about spending tme withour son, he recently involved his son in it, other than that, he has hardly any relationship with our children. They are already 21, 19 and one is 11. He acts like a stranger towards them. Some men have the wrong idea about marriage. He has no bonding with anyone not even with me, his wife is the computer and the tv.and...porn... he also says he works too hard and needs to relax and when he comes home. 

I think you need to therapy very soon and take care of this problem or you are going to end up like me.


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## NewMom2BabyBoy

Can I ask you ladies what game it is that husbands have been playing for all those years? Maybe it's the damn game that's ruining everyone's marriages. Everyone I know who's playing that game, they spend little to no time with their wives and children. 

Not to say that any of you are this way, I'm just trying to tell you what kind of person that I am - but I'm am not going to let this behavior continue. I'll be damned if I let him put his game before his son or even me. I will not be walked on or pushed to the wayside. I just wanted to see if there were other people out there that agreed with me or if I was just being too, oh I don't know, unreasonable.


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## martino

How old are you and your husband? i'm just trying to get a picture of where he is at maturity wise. I read an article once where a man said this: "I pursue my personal interests after the wife and children have gone to bed for about 2 hours per night maximum." I agree. I work very part time weekends but wife is working full time and going to school. We have an 8 year old that needs attending to and taken to therapy clinic, and the house doesn't clean itself, so I have to do all of this. I think you have to come to some kind of agreement on what to do with his time. I think you are within full right to demand this.


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## NewMom2BabyBoy

We're both close to 30. AS far as our maturity levels - I grew up as an only child, which meant hanging around with a lot of my mothers friends. I find that I grew up quicker than most of my friends which made it difficult sometimes. As for my husband, he's the baby of his family, although it doesn't seem like it. He doesn't fit into the "Baby" category a lot of the time. His brother is older by two years. He goes from part time job to part time job, hasn't really had a serious girlfriend in a few years and doesn't really seem to want to further himself in life. He has the mindset of a teenager. He's not really lokking for responsibility. Now whereas my husband is married, has 2 children ( one with me and one with hie ex-girlfriend) and he has a fulltime career that he's worked really hard for. 

We never really were the type to go on bar crawls or to have parties every weekend. When we did party, it was at home with close friends, a good meal and some nice bottles of wine. 

We are both the first ones in our groups of friends to get married, buy a house or have a baby. 

Hope that answers your question.


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## zwilson50

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Doesn't sound like your husband is that far off from his brother. He does have a couple more responsabilities in his life but he isn't acting like a husband/father.

I play video games rarely but I can't see how that would stay fulfilling over the long haul. You may have to hit him where it hurts (i.e. getting rid of the computer or talk about splitting up) for him to recognize the severity of his actions.

Good luck and I will be keeping an eye on the post for updates.


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## Dan-O

New Mom

I'm not exactly like your husband but, I was guilty of spending too much time on the computer and somewhat neglecting my wife and children.

My situation was a little different. I had some stuff going on at work which caused me to fall into depression. I had a wife and 3 children who depended on me and I could not let them down. I worked in a very hostile work environment. Everyday was a walk in hell. When I arrived home, I hopped on the PC and played games, talked to friends, etc... all the stress and depression I felt melted away. Granted, I made time for the kids at bed time and told them silly little stories and stuff but, after they were down, I went right back to my game.

I too was fairly uninvolved with my children when they were babies. I didn't feel like I had a lot to offer them. I felt awkward and clumsy....with exception to my second child because I got the feeling that she was not as warmly received by our family since they had all so closely bonded with my first daughter. I felt somewhat sorry for my 2nd and protective at the same time. She and I have a very close bond now. It's somewhat weird. All three of my children love me dearly and I love them just as much, even though I wasn't much involved with them as babies. There is a time when Dad's come into their own with children. You may have to be patient though. You'll see. 

Regardless, this is still a very serious situation. My wife never said anything about my gaming destroying our marriage. She said she hated my game and growled ever so often but, never came out and plainly said it was "killing our marriage". I consider myself above average intelligence but, I am still a guy and women ought to know men are not exactly decent mindreaders or good at picking up on subtle hints. One day, my wife told me she wanted a divorce....and I hit the brakes completely. It was like a 2x4 in the face. No games after that. But, it was too late. I couldn't salvage our marriage. She was done. Don't let it get that far.

As a man, I offer this. Growling and gettin pissy will not work. You have to put on the big girl pants and let him know this gaming behavior is destroying your love for him and your marriage. Tell him you are feeling desperate and alienated. Don't make it about the baby though because he may have some hang ups there. Make it about you. If my wife had ever said this to me, I am confident I would have dropped everything I was doing to take account of what is really important in my life.

Good luck to you.

Dan-O


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## shelleyv

Seems like us ladies have the same problem all over the world! My husband didnt help with our baby, and after a while I started resenting him. I have a bad back and injured my back twice after having baby and this was because I was doing all the work. It made me so angry that he made no effort - his excuse was he didnt want to hurt her. Also when things get difficult he bails. Mom has to do everything. My health deteriorated because he didnt pull his weight - what nonsence is that! It takes two to make a baby! These men should get a wake up call. What would happen if we had that SAME attitude? Where would our children be today. We shouldnt have to force them to take part in brining up their children. Its utter rubbish. Children need both parents. Besides, you will suffer from burn out eventually or start feeling depressed. Thats not good for you or for baby. It kills me that your life changes a million times over when you become a mother, and yet when they become dads, nothing changes. They still play golf, watch TV, go out with friends etc. We are always with the children. Thats the way it goes. It shouldnt be that way. I hope your husband gets a wake up call. My husband has got better over time, but now I just force him to spend time with her. I will make plans and just say to him that I am going out and he has to watch her. He doesnt have a choice anymore.


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