# So Confused and now angry...what to do?



## anguished (May 24, 2011)

I have been married 16 years. I entered the marriage with my one son (now 25) and he had two children (now 17 and 19). Before we we got married, we were best friends and then began dating. At 36 I came down with Meniers Disease and lost my job, my home, my independence. My H wanted to marry me and take care of me and my son. I wasnt "in love" but did love being around him..I became severely depressed with my illness - was disabled for 10 years. My H is a good man, but I have never been "attracted" to him that "way"...I have tried so hard. Over the years he would get anger outbursts and had control issues over the kids, pets, etc...if things were not "controlable". He has always provided for us well and cares deeply for the kids and myself. About 8 yrs ago, my disease went into remission...I went back to college and got a degree and began working as a Graphic Designer. My son moved out to another state for his career shortly thereafter and I went thru some wierd empty nest syndrome and depression. Over the past few years I have gained weight, feel old and ugly, dont want intimacy, want to run away, get panic attacks, the works...it takes all my strength to make it thru my job.
My husband cries and keeps asking me what is wrong...I have no idea..I just feel I never belonged here.....that I have had my whole life orchestrated for me and I dont want to be married. I dont want to be responsible for his happiness, when I cant even be happy with myself. 
I have being seeing a Counselor, did the antidepressants, gained 40 more lbs from the meds..totally lost my sex drive..quit them... 
This has been a roller coaster ride now for at least 4 years if not longer....I am so unhappy but dont want to hurt him and everyone else. I care deeply for him...but not in the right way.
But here is my ultimate question - I am furious right now and do not know what to do...
my son came home for a weekend visit and I love him dearly and he began yelling at me last night giving me a lecture about how i need to take care of myself, get in shape, etc..because he loves me...and that I needed to be a better wife to my H...(watching a B-Ball game at the local bar and grill apparantly my H told him all about the problems he was having with me and how he may walk out on me...etc..if I dont change) Also...this has been going on for quite some time...my H calling my son and venting and crying about us...WTH??
I would never EVER do that with any of the kids. So, now my one true love of my heart (my son) is angry at me and is feeling sorry for my H.
I have been crying all morning - I feel betrayed and so angry.
What do I do ..?? If I confront my H - he will know my son told me...and I hate to destroy their relationship; however, it seems like my H doesnt see what he is doing to my relationship with my son. I dont want to go home. I feel like running to a safe house and leaving...I want to cry and cry...my heart is broken.
Any advice?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Your husband called your son because who else knows you better than him? And he needed someone he loves and who knows you both to talk to. I wouldn't fault him for that. It doesn't sound like he did it to betray you. It sounds like he did it because he is at his wits end, feels your lack of love for him, and is despondent. 

What you have done is build your house on sand. It was eventually going to fall. Sounds like you were in a rough spot, someone you cared about and trusted offered his hand and support, you took it even though you didn't really feel that way about him, but you got better and now you feel stuck with him. This sounds like a really good guy and he deserves that kind of love. I know you were in a pickle, but it probably wasn't a good idea to marry him knowing you didn't feel that way about him. I don't understand the whole "had my life orchestrated for me" part. We are all masters of our own worlds and ultimately it is up to us to make our own choices. You are an adult. You are in a spot now where you are well and can make your own choices. You are in a spot now where you can stop being the victim. Don't be a victim...take up the reins and take your life in the right direction. Do the right thing. Running away isn't the answer. In essence, "man-up". It isn't the end of the world because your son is mad at you. People are allowed to get mad at eachother. Don't over-dramatize it. So explain to him your side of it openly and honestly and see where that takes you. Make sure to let him know how much his love and respect means to you, and that it would break your heart to lose it. 

We are our own worst enemies. Ultimately, no matter what way you twist it or turn it, this is your making. You allowed your life to get to this point, starting with the marriage of convenience. So again, rather than wallowing in self-pity - man-up and do something to change it. Counseling is going in the right direction. Don't stop that. If you have, go back. If your counselor isn't helping, get a different one. Good luck!


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## anguished (May 24, 2011)

I appreciate your forthright and honest answer. You are right in that my husband is a great guy. I wish like heck that I loved him the way I am "supposed" to. I wish I didnt live in this confusing state every moment of my life.
When you say "man up" - do you mean stay and make the best of it? Even though my heart does not want to? Do I just pretend like I have been for the rest of our lives together?
That is so diffiicult and I am getting so exhausted of the lie in my smiles and hugs. I really do not want to meet someone else, I just wish to be alone and not dependant on anyone. I would love to be good friends with my husband forever - just not lovers.
I agree that we are in charge of our own destiny - but what about fear? I am terrified of change, failure, success, everything. Afraid to love - and dont know how anymore.
Thanks for your comments.


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