# Lack of sex w/ an addict. Divorce?



## LizandWork (May 3, 2018)

I am married to a cocaine addict who has been clean for quite some time. Note, I have little to understanding of this because l have never used drugs. We have been in therapy for over a year now. Our therapist is a marriage and drug expert. I am very sexual and want to engage multiple times a week. My husband is happy once a week and often seems to be doing it just to make me happy. I have literally tried it everything. I'm starting to find myself creating insecurities about myself. These have never existed. I hope this doesn't come across poorly, but men show attraction to me daily. So my insecurities are coming purely because the man I want that kind of attention from is my husband. He loves me to death and shows that every single day. He thinks that should be enough. I often hear about how he use to want it all the time but the drugs have effected his desire and it's NOT me. That doesn't make me any better at all. I've been thinking about leaving the only man I've ever truly loved and I just can't imagine being without him. I feel lost and dont know what to do. He's my best friend and I, his. I don't think there's anything left to try. I could just cheat but who wants that aweful feeling of knowing your hurting the man you love? Besides, I just want his body, no one elses. This is desperate reach for anything I may have overlooked that could help. 

Facts: married 2 yrs, I'm 47 and he is 50. His addiction started at approx 20 and ended a few months before we married.
Both attractive, educated, well liked individuals with strong personalities. No children at home. Spend all our time together when not working. Im previously married, he is not. 

Thank you in advance for any advice.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Did you both have sex more frequently before you married. If this is the case then you were a victim of bait and switch. If you had the same amount of sex before marriage then I don’t know why you married him. Had he any long term relationships before you met him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There is a train track.........on the track are two trains........they are headed towards one another........tick tock .....tick tock


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> There is a train track.........on the track are two trains........they are headed towards one another........tick tock .....tick tock


I don't get it. They have different sex drives, but OP is pretty clear they have a loving relationship.

I think you need some fact first. Does long term cocaine addiction result in a loss of drive? He IS at an age when drive begins to wane, and you, I assume, have not gone through menopause. The years preceding menopause often have a heightened drive for women. It will probably slow in a couple of years and you might find yourselves on the same level.

Husband needs to help you out a little, even if he is not engaging in PIV sex.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

"....there ain't no good guy.....there ain't no bad guy....there's only you and me, and we just disagree.....oh, oh, oh...."

You two have a "classic" scenario.... HD/LD...high drive / low drive. No matter what the underlying reasons might be, it boils down to this. You want more sex than he does.

You are choosing very wisely to not seek sex outside your marriage. You are also choosing very wisely to not leave or divorce "the only man you ever truly loved".
You are also choosing very wisely to remain married to "your best friend".

You are not choosing wisely when you choose to feel insecure. Your husband is right, it is NOT YOU. Choose wisely, and BELIEVE that.

You state that your therapist is a "marriage and drug expert".... however, based on results, I would have to say that if he/she has not resolved this in a YEAR, that you are not choosing wisely if you keep going there and wasting your money and time.



LizandWork said:


> He loves me to death and shows that every single day. He thinks that should be enough.


Many would agree with him. Many would also agree with you, that it's not enough.

Resolving this is a three step process: Understand, decide, then negotiate.

Get yourselves (yes, both of you) a copy of Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages", read it through, and talk to each other about what you read.
Understand also, that when you negotiate, neither of you will walk away completely happy. But, you can have a better life together if you both choose wisely.

Choosing wisely will be, when both of you resolve, within yourselves, that you are going to become "bilinguals", learning, and "speaking", the "love language" of the other. 

Decide, that each of you will set a "stretch" objective.... you will volitionally put what you learned, in keeping with your wise choice, into practice in your marriage.

Then, negotiate....you both will come back to another scheduled meeting, a couple months down the road. Each of you evaluate how well your spouse is doing at the objectives that you set. Adjust your objectives and schedule the next meeting.

P.S. .... do not bring judgement of motives to this meeting table. Choose wisely, and look and evaluate based only upon actions.


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## LizandWork (May 3, 2018)

I'm not sure if I'm responding correctly, but hopefully you all can see this. 

Actually I read the 5 love languages and apology languages, but I like you're idea of "both" reading it. He's not much of a reader but he loves to listen to me read, so it's gonna be our new reading material! 

I also like the negotiation part. We did this in the paSt based on our therapist's advice and I remember it helping but for some reason we didn't stick to it. However this is really becoming am issue therefore a calendar is going up on the wall and we shall proceed with your suggestions. Wish me luck. 

Regarding menopause, that has been over for me for over 15 years. As I am a endometrial cancer survivor with a complete hysterectomy. 

About sex before marriage, it was a little better before but I actually was concerned from the get go. I couldn't love someone more then I do my husband and he shows me every single day I'm his world, so I never considered not getting married due to his poor labido. I always assumed it would get better with effort.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NickyT said:


> I don't get it. They have different sex drives, but OP is pretty clear they have a loving relationship.
> 
> I think you need some fact first. Does long term cocaine addiction result in a loss of drive? He IS at an age when drive begins to wane, and you, I assume, have not gone through menopause. The years preceding menopause often have a heightened drive for women. It will probably slow in a couple of years and you might find yourselves on the same level.
> 
> Husband needs to help you out a little, even if he is not engaging in PIV sex.


This is a wonderful post and response. 
Perfect.
..................................................................................................

Have his Testosterone checked. If low, get injections.
*There are some long term risks, learn them.
*
If not low, but rather low, find a PCP that will prescribe anyway.
There is no silver bullet against aging.


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