# Husband wants time apart



## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

My husband just recently told me that he wants time apart. He feels that i am not in tune with his needs. he is now sleeping in our second bedroom. He initially told me that we should just split as friends for the sake of our daughter but then said that he does not want to give up onthe marriage. He just wants time a part. it is hard for me to do because i am so use to being with him talking, etc. I am scared. Any Advice?


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

nene said:


> My husband just recently told me that he wants time apart. He feels that i am not in tune with his needs. he is now sleeping in our second bedroom. He initially told me that we should just split as friends for the sake of our daughter but then said that he does not want to give up onthe marriage. He just wants time a part. it is hard for me to do because i am so use to being with him talking, etc. I am scared. Any Advice?


I'm in a similar boat.

Has he expressed why? What needs are you not meeting? Have you tried counseling (marriage or independently?)


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

I am not emotionally there for him. He says I do not love him for him. I am not romantic. Honeslty, i have so muh animosity towards him because in the first hal of our relationship he spent so much time attcking my character that i felt i want good enough. Now that he has changed i still have the animosity and it is killing us. But i do know i love him ad am scared.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

I am suggesting counseling


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Counseling is a good start-----you will need to let go of your resentment for the relationship to work.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear all of this.
People don't like to be changed, and we quite often don't communicate "change the behavior" as opposed to making people think they should change. Think of it as a challenge. To try the new behaviors. No one can take away who you are. Ever. 
If you love him, let go of the resentment. That's a heavy burden to carry around. Trust a little bit. Ask for his help. Go to counselling?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Forgive and start treating him well again and he will reciprocate. 

Resentment causes ruination by intentionally withholding the needs from the other to get the bastard back. Its a revenge thing. 

If you dont do what I need then screw you. You have to STOP.

When you change for a few weeks it HAS TO effect him also in a good way


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He says you aren't romantic and you aren't "there" for him. Sounds like he's getting turned down for sex. I doubt he's missing poetry recitations.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

If it is sex, that is easy to fix. It is free, burns calories and can bond a couple like no other. Seems so simple from the male perspective.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

Honestly, i really do not turn him down for sex. We are both busy. I am in grad school and he is getting his second masters wwhile we also have a toddler and both work full time. I have to admit that this has been his complaint about me forever. I have to admit, i am wrong. Not sure if i have ever fully admitted this to myself. Although it is scary, it feels good to admit this. I am a little confused about why i feel so good admitting this. Is it that i am tired of bearing this resentment. I dont know but it feels good. I know i am not as romantic as i should be. when we first got married, i wanted sex from him all the time. even when he annoyed me, i wanted him. He began to tell me that i was too aggressive and attacked my approach. instead of manipulating my approach in a poositive way, he made me feel like an overly sexed woman. I began to doubt my ability to please him or turn him on. This in turn took away my individual sex drive/appeal. My desire for sex has gone down. Recently he told me that he realizes that he made a mistake. Instead of admitting that he was intimidated by my sex appeal and ability to conquer him in bed, he criticized me. He did not realize that it would cause me to leave the sex ball in his court. He now usually has to initiate it. So its like you complained about me and now you miss it. So i know i am not as romantic as i can be. I want to change that. I really do. He is definitely worht it. I am also trying to respect his time apart. He needs space and i get it. This morning before he left for work i drew him an I AM SORRY picture with my daughter's crayons. I snuck it in his car and put it on the steering wheel. I was expecting to see it in my car ripped up when i left for work. Surprisingly i did not. I hope it made him smile.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> He says you aren't romantic and you aren't "there" for him. Sounds like he's getting turned down for sex. I doubt he's missing poetry recitations.


Thank you. I needed this laugh.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Nene, 
Yeah!!!! Good for you!

He set the boundaries. It's not acceptable to deny affection because of resentment. Is he still wanting some time apart, are you working on this issue? Lots of people here are experiencing the same issue, btw. 
(I am "sleeping in the other bedroom" as well). Baby steps, some counselling, and just practicing communicating what we want.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> Nene,
> Yeah!!!! Good for you!
> 
> He set the boundaries. It's not acceptable to deny affection because of resentment. Is he still wanting some time apart, are you working on this issue? Lots of people here are experiencing the same issue, btw.
> (I am "sleeping in the other bedroom" as well). Baby steps, some counselling, and just practicing communicating what we want.


Yes he is still sleeping in the other room. This is farely new, since Sunday. He is not communicating with me but did communicate to get me dinner when the first night he got food for himself. I think he wants to talkt o me but wants to keep his "Time apart" going. I can respect that. Although it is tough, i am sepnding time thinking, praying, and going about my everyday duties. I hope things work out. i think they will but this is hard.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it asap. Don't wait til you have time between studying. It will explain about Love Busters, Emotional Needs, women having to have an emotional connection to want to have SF, and needing to spend 10-15 hours a week together as a couple doing non work/child/house-related stuff so you keep the love alive. If you can, get him to read it WITH you. It is a huge eye-opener and will explain everything (assuming he's not cheating).


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Specifically, have you communicated expectations? Is he able to tell you exactly what he needs? Or is he "thinking about it"? 

Or set time apart, and ask him if on a certain night you could plan to sit down and discuss what the expectations are? 

Or is he just punishing you at this point with no plan? Is that really acceptable either?


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it asap. Don't wait til you have time between studying. It will explain about Love Busters, Emotional Needs, women having to have an emotional connection to want to have SF, and needing to spend 10-15 hours a week together as a couple doing non work/child/house-related stuff so you keep the love alive. If you can, get him to read it WITH you. It is a huge eye-opener and will explain everything (assuming he's not cheating).


No, don't think he is cheating. I will get the book today.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> Specifically, have you communicated expectations? Is he able to tell you exactly what he needs? Or is he "thinking about it"?
> 
> Or set time apart, and ask him if on a certain night you could plan to sit down and discuss what the expectations are?
> 
> Or is he just punishing you at this point with no plan? Is that really acceptable either?


He has communicated expectations but at times i feel like i am working toward them and they ae just not good enough. He feels the same way.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If you want to share what he expects, others may have some suggestions for you, or similar experiences. It might help


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> If you want to share what he expects, others may have some suggestions for you, or similar experiences. It might help


1. Be romantic. He feels that any time romance is in concern, he plans it. He feels that he is a romantic person and he hates that i dont allow him to be.

2. Get in tune with his likes. He feels i buy things that dont fit him. (I buy him things that do fit him and he likes but when he is upset it turns into i dont). I admit, i have bought some htings that he did not like.

3. Be his partner. he feels that i don not have his back. he feels he does all the work. ( I will at times stay up until 1am cleaning on a work night and then he will complaign about me not getting sleep. But in an argument i dont do crap). 

4. Give hime ME fully. Honeslty, this is hard for me. I am afraid to for fear of being critiques, ridiculed, etc because of him atacking my charatcer int he past.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nene said:


> He has communicated expectations but at times i feel like i am working toward them and they ae just not good enough. He feels the same way.


These are the exact best cases to take to a marriage counselor. They act as a mediator to get both sides to be able to verbalize how they feel, and to ensure that both sides are heard and understood.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> These are the exact best cases to take to a marriage counselor. They act as a mediator to get both sides to be able to verbalize how they feel, and to ensure that both sides are heard and understood.


I think so as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nene said:


> 1. Be romantic. He feels that any time romance is in concern, he plans it. He feels that he is a romantic person and he hates that i dont allow him to be.


Get this book to take care of this issue. It's a set of invitations - 26 for you to give him and 26 for him to give you - to set up romantic/SF evenings and get you out of a rut and get him bragging to all his friends about how his wife takes care of him: Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books



nene said:


> 2. Get in tune with his likes. He feels i buy things that dont fit him. (I buy him things that do fit him and he likes but when he is upset it turns into i dont). I admit, i have bought some htings that he did not like.


Why can't you take him shopping with you so he gets what he wants?



nene said:


> 3. Be his partner. he feels that i do not have his back. he feels he does all the work. ( I will at times stay up until 1am cleaning on a work night and then he will complaign about me not getting sleep. But in an argument i dont do crap).


Keep a voice activated recorder within easy reach. Any time you start to have an argument, turn it on so you can share it with him later so he can see the fallacy of what he's saying. It does no good to logic with someone when they're arguing. Show it to him later, when you're not, and tell him you need him to admit that he is twisting things. This might be best done in front of a counselor.



nene said:


> 4. Give hime ME fully. Honeslty, this is hard for me. I am afraid to for fear of being critiques, ridiculed, etc because of him atacking my charatcer int he past.


Keep a list of the things he says about you. Keep it in a drawer and add to it as it occurs. The next time he says he wants you to be be more 'present,' pull out the list and show it to him. Men like him often 'forget' that they ever said anything critical. And seeing the long list that accumulates will help bring home the point that you are regularly being put down. Ask him how HE would feel if you were criticizing HIM that much.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Get this book to take care of this issue. It's a set of invitations - 26 for you to give him and 26 for him to give you - to set up romantic/SF evenings and get you out of a rut and get him bragging to all his friends about how his wife takes care of him: Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books
> 
> Why can't you take him shopping with you so he gets what he wants?
> 
> ...


Thank you. You are wonderful.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Get this book to take care of this issue. It's a set of invitations - 26 for you to give him and 26 for him to give you - to set up romantic/SF evenings and get you out of a rut and get him bragging to all his friends about how his wife takes care of him: Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books
> 
> Why can't you take him shopping with you so he gets what he wants?
> 
> ...


He says that he feels like an abusive husband because he has to say certain things because i make him say it. It's as if he is blaming his reactions on me.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Nene,
Being criticized a lot can wear on someone's self esteem. 
You are also free here to set your own boundaries. No name calling, etc. But in the end, your own confidence and self-esteem is yours. Which is something you can work on, for you. Not him. There will always be people in the world that say things that are hurtful. Learning how to listen to only your inner judge (and there isn't one) is a valueable tool. No one has the right to demean you, but you can learn defensive tools to let it roll off easier. Which is easier than trying to make him change his behavior, and kinda necessary in the long run. 
I'm not saying he can say things that hurt you all the time, that's not right either. He needs to own his own behavior and the consequences. But even if he never gets that part of this... you are not damaged. You are still in there.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> Nene,
> Being criticized a lot can wear on someone's self esteem.
> You are also free here to set your own boundaries. No name calling, etc. But in the end, your own confidence and self-esteem is yours. Which is something you can work on, for you. Not him. There will always be people in the world that say things that are hurtful. Learning how to listen to only your inner judge (and there isn't one) is a valueable tool. No one has the right to demean you, but you can learn defensive tools to let it roll off easier. Which is easier than trying to make him change his behavior, and kinda necessary in the long run.
> I'm not saying he can say things that hurt you all the time, that's not right either. He needs to own his own behavior and the consequences. But even if he never gets that part of this... you are not damaged. You are still in there.


You are so right. I called myself trying to do this but inturn bottled it up as anger and resentment. He is now getting the backlash of it.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

So he says he is not saying that he is giving up on the marriage but still thinks we need some space. What is he really saying?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think he means what he says. You two need to separate. If you can't stand him sleeping in another bedroom in the same house, then you need to tell him to leave. He wants space, he can go find it somewhere else, you can't think straight with him there.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

By him saying "you make him do it", is he looking for you to stand up for yourself? And call him on it? Is that something you are able to do?
That can be very empowering. It can be as simple as calmly repeating back what was said, out loud. And saying out loud, that is not true. And following it up with what is true. .. (I'm trying my best, and I think I did a great job) First time I ever said that..the person criticizing me forgot what they were even saying. ha ha


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> By him saying "you make him do it", is he looking for you to stand up for yourself? And call him on it? Is that something you are able to do?
> That can be very empowering. It can be as simple as calmly repeating back what was said, out loud. And saying out loud, that is not true. And following it up with what is true. .. (I'm trying my best, and I think I did a great job) First time I ever said that..the person criticizing me forgot what they were even saying. ha ha


I think that he is. Its kind of weird though. Its like he crticizesbut then says i need to stop acting like a baby and communicate. Stop saying sorry if i dont think i am wrong. When i do that and give him my rationale, then it becomes i am making excuses. LOSE LOSE situation.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I think he means what he says. You two need to separate. If you can't stand him sleeping in another bedroom in the same house, then you need to tell him to leave. He wants space, he can go find it somewhere else, you can't think straight with him there.


This could be true or he could be seeking attention. I never know with him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> This could be true or he could be seeking attention. I never know with him.


Well call him out on it. Ask him when he's moving out. 

Any man that uses a line like that to get attention needs to be treated like the child he is. He wants time apart, tell him you need him to be out by Friday.

I'm sorry, I'm a pretty straightforward to the point type. And I abhor game playing and gaslighting (which I think he's doing with you.)


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

Also, he is a person th at with every positive thing their has to be a criticism. Its like, jus be happy about it and leave other neg comments alone. So discouraging.Makes me feel like i am never good enough.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> Also, he is a person th at with every positive thing their has to be a criticism. Its like, jus be happy about it and leave other neg comments alone. So discouraging.Makes me feel like i am never good enough.


Sounds to me like you need time away from him too. He's toxic. You should get yourself some counseling during this separation, it will do you some good and help you build back up the self esteem he's chipped away.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Well call him out on it. Ask him when he's moving out.
> 
> Any man that uses a line like that to get attention needs to be treated like the child he is. He wants time apart, tell him you need him to be out by Friday.
> 
> I'm sorry, I'm a pretty straightforward to the point type. And I abhor game playing and gaslighting (which I think he's doing with you.)


You are funny. I would love to do that but it really isnt my style. I hate playing games


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> You are funny. I would love to do that but it really isnt my style. *I hate playing games*


But you are if you go along with his gameplaying. Don't you see that?

You can't change who he is, but you can change how you interact with him. CHANGE YOUR STYLE. He knows exactly what to expect from you which is why he gets away with hurting you as often as he does. 

What's that they say about doing the same things over and over expecting different results? Think on that for a minute.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I was very shy when I was a child, and had parents that were kinda criticizing. I got tired of being told not to be so thin-skinned and I take things too personally... and I did something about it. This reminds of someone who wants you to stand up for yourself. The saying sorry all the time, etc. He doesn't like the lack of self esteem. And it can be human nature to "pick" at it when it shows. He doesn't "like" this side of you, but if he says he wants to work on the marriage, then he loves you. 
There is some validity to calling him out on this. 
There is also some validity to letting him sulk, and go do something else! Just go work on you. Don't apologize. You have a child as well, so there are other factors. Go look up counselling, for you. Today. Just learning ways to get your confidence back. I think that might be what he wants from you. He's trying to snap you into it.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> But you are if you go along with his gameplaying. Don't you see that?
> 
> You can't change who he is, but you can change how you interact with him. CHANGE YOUR STYLE. He knows exactly what to expect from you which is why he gets away with hurting you as often as he does.
> 
> What's that they say about doing the same things over and over expecting different results? Think on that for a minute.


U got me there. So true.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> I was very shy when I was a child, and had parents that were kinda criticizing. I got tired of being told not to be so thin-skinned and I take things too personally... and I did something about it. This reminds of someone who wants you to stand up for yourself. The saying sorry all the time, etc. He doesn't like the lack of self esteem. And it can be human nature to "pick" at it when it shows. He doesn't "like" this side of you, but if he says he wants to work on the marriage, then he loves you.
> There is some validity to calling him out on this.
> There is also some validity to letting him sulk, and go do something else! Just go work on you. Don't apologize. You have a child as well, so there are other factors. Go look up counselling, for you. Today. Just learning ways to get your confidence back. I think that might be what he wants from you. He's trying to snap you into it.


Can you ellaborate more on you comment about validity in letting him sulk? I agree i need to work on me. Maybe set up some sessions at work with our free service.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

He told me that he is afraid that once i find myself i will realize he isnt what i want. I wonder if his reactions to me come from that as well.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You can't say you have this problem and want it to change without being the one in the scenario doing the changing. Unfortunately that's how it goes. We can't control what other people say or do, what we CAN control is ourselves. How we respond to the environment is entirely up to us.

If you changed the way you deal with him, he's either going to change and stay or balk and walk. You have to be okay with either choice he makes. Choose to be healthy for yourself first and foremost... bullies aren't bullies because they really want you to be confident and secure. They like to feel dominant over you. They can't do that if you're empowered, so go empower yourself and do something he DOESN'T expect.

Call him on his bull**** and let him know he's got until this weekend if he wants space. You're not stopping him. Otherwise, you tell him "we're going to act like adults and talk to each other about what solid changes we EACH can make to make our marriage better." Get a notepad out and list them for each of you, then get to work. He's as accountable for the mess you're in as you are. If he doesn't want to do that? Let him go figure it out on his own and continue working on yourself.

You can chuckle to yourself later when you see his face after you lay it all down.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You can't say you have this problem and want it to change without being the one in the scenario doing the changing. Unfortunately that's how it goes. We can't control what other people say or do, what we CAN control is ourselves. How we respond to the environment is entirely up to us.
> 
> If you changed the way you deal with him, he's either going to change and stay or balk and walk. You have to be okay with either choice he makes. Choose to be healthy for yourself first and foremost... bullies aren't bullies because they really want you to be confident and secure. They like to feel dominant over you. They can't do that if you're empowered, so go empower yourself and do something he DOESN'T expect.
> 
> ...


LOL. I swear you remind me of my mother.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

_I swear you remind me of my mother. _

:smthumbup: Don't even know her, but I like her!!


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> _I swear you remind me of my mother. _
> 
> :smthumbup: Don't even know her, but I like her!!


Honestly, i am afraid to react like that out of fear of him leaving. I really want him to stay. I am just being honest with you and myself.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> Honestly, i am afraid to react liek that out of fear of him leaving. I really want him to stay. I am just being honest with you and myself.



Needs and wants. I like to break things down by those two priorities. Needs trump wants every time IMO. You WANT him to stay, but in all honesty you don't NEED him to. Who needs a toxic relationship? We're being honest with each other here, you KNOW you and he have a toxic dynamic going on. Why would you _need_ that? No one needs that, and that's the truth.

Your problem is investment and possibly financial dependance. #1, You're thinking in quantities. Time with a person doesn't automatically give them permission or authority to mistreat you in ANY way. It's not okay, no matter how you try to justify it. #2, You have support from your family. Use that support in any way you can, even financially. 

You have to not be afraid to leave this comfort zone you've created for yourself. You came here to talk about this because you know in your heart of hearts that the truth you want to live in isn't the reality you actually do. He's not in a good place, and subsequently neither are you. Do something about it. 

Fear is an irrational emotion. It holds you back from really living life, and honey life is *way* to short for this kind of stress.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Needs and wants. I like to break things down by those two priorities. Needs trump wants every time IMO. You WANT him to stay, but in all honesty you don't NEED him to. Who needs a toxic relationship? We're being honest with each other here, you KNOW you and he have a toxic dynamic going on. Why would you _need_ that? No one needs that, and that's the truth.
> 
> Your problem is investment and possibly financial dependance. #1, You're thinking in quantities. Time with a person doesn't automatically give them permission or authority to mistreat you in ANY way. It's not okay, no matter how you try to justify it. #2, You have support from your family. Use that support in any way you can, even financially.
> 
> ...


This i agree with but my true desire is to do the work i nedd for myself to improve our marriage. I admitted earlier that he has changed and stopped reacting to me the way he use to but the animosity that his previous actions created has caused me to not improve my ways. I honeslty know that i am not trying as hard as he is. does that give you more insight?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

very good points!
LOL my comment on "letting him sulk" was a much wussier version.
Let him pout like a child, and go get on with making your life better. Eventually, you may have the guts to do what really does need to be done. Like they said above


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> This i agree with but my true desire is to do the work i nedd for myself to improve our marriage. I admitted earlier that he has changed and stopped reacting to me the way he use to but the animosity that his previous actions created has caused me to not improve my ways. *I honeslty know that i am not trying as hard as he is.* does that give you more insight?


If that's how you truly feel, then do something about that. That doesn't change his demand. He want's time apart. Give it to him and let him know you'll be doing some serious work while he's gone.

I don't believe he'll really see any changes with you while he still lives in the spare bedroom. He's convinced himself that you're stuck in your ways and he won't allow himself to see you any different. Physically being apart will do that.

I've had to go this route before, so I know it makes a huge difference... if that's any help to you.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

And yeah, if he has changed his ways lately, think about forgiving him. It was just words. That's not the same as apologizing, either. You might have to really say "I forgive you" and let it go. Which is a good thing to do, anyways. That crap is not something you want to wear around your neck.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> If that's how you truly feel, then do something about that. That doesn't change his demand. He want's time apart. Give it to him and let him know you'll be doing some serious work while he's gone.
> 
> I don't believe he'll really see any changes with you while he still lives in the spare bedroom. He's convinced himself that you're stuck in your ways and he won't allow himself to see you any different. Physically being apart will do that.
> 
> I've had to go this route before, so I know it makes a huge difference... if that's any help to you.



:iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nene said:


> He told me that he is afraid that once i find myself i will realize he isnt what i want. I wonder if his reactions to me come from that as well.


 Well, there you go. He has low self esteem so he tries to crush you (subconsciously) because he feels if you recognize your own self worth, you will leave him. 

Prove him wrong. Stand up for yourself but don't leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nene said:


> Honestly, i am afraid to react like that out of fear of him leaving. I really want him to stay. I am just being honest with you and myself.


 Based on the previous sentence, it's highly unlikely that HE will leave. He is currently trying to manipulate you into returning back into his comfort zone. Threatening needing space is a typical ploy to make you afraid, make you kiss up to him, and forget about what YOU want and need.

And remember that you never had any control over whether he leaves you or not. Never. Not even on your wedding day. The only control you DO have is in knowing what he wants and, if you want HIM, then you BEING what he wants. If you're what he wants, he has no reason to leave.

That said, the other side of the coin is that YOU have to step up and not settle for less than what YOU deserve. He's a guy; you can't just cry and moan and expect him to give it to you - you have to state what you want and show him how to give it to you, be it respect, or time, or attention or whatever.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nene said:


> This i agree with but my true desire is to do the work i nedd for myself to improve our marriage. I admitted earlier that he has changed and stopped reacting to me the way he use to but the animosity that his previous actions created has caused me to not improve my ways. I honeslty know that i am not trying as hard as he is. does that give you more insight?


When I was first married, and realize DH wasn't going to meet my needs, I would cry. At first, it got him to come around and give me what I wanted...attention, not yelling, whatever. But after a couple years, that kinda wore off. My tears no longer affected him; he saw them for what they were - passive aggressive attempt to manipulate him. 

What you seem to be missing is boundaries. Such as...if you raise your voice, it upsets me so I'm going to leave the room. Boundary: don't yell. Consequence: I leave you alone, no one to yell at.

Decide what you can and can't accept in a marriage. Make that clear to him. Leave it up to him to comply or not. And if the boundary is severe enough (B:I need you to have SF with me; C: I will divorce if you won't), you have to leave the relationship. If you're not willing to leave, it's not that bad of a boundary.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> And yeah, if he has changed his ways lately, think about forgiving him. It was just words. That's not the same as apologizing, either. You might have to really say "I forgive you" and let it go. Which is a good thing to do, anyways. That crap is not something you want to wear around your neck.


Yes but i cant figure out what is making it so hard fro me to forgive and let go


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> Yes but i cant figure out what is making it so hard fro me to forgive and let go


YOU are.

He's not helping either with his own behavior, but really you have to decide to let it go and you haven't.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> YOU are.
> 
> He's not helping either with his own behavior, but really you have to decide to let it go and you haven't.


I understand that. I need to just let it go


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you also need to see some reciprocation. You can't just go through life accumulating grudges and then being expected to dump them all when the other person does nothing to meet you halfway.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

i agree. I made his favorite dinner tonight. He came home and still gave the cold shoulder. He thanked m for fixing his plate and that was it. He also had the nerve to devour the pie i made. I went to his "NEW ROOM" to ask him how the food was and he told me to be quiet because he was watching something for work. I just left the room and remained my happy self. I guess...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remained your happy self...is doing YOU no good, doing HIM no good, and doing your marriage no good. 

If you're not going to be honest, why are you married?


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Remained your happy self...is doing YOU no good, doing HIM no good, and doing your marriage no good.
> 
> If you're not going to be honest, why are you married?


You are right. i am hurting inside but have kept my efforts up at communicating with no success. He is still remaining to himself and i choose to respect it, but i am not going to sulk in my worry because i have a child and would be unproductive.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

nene said:


> You are right. i am hurting inside but have kept my efforts up at communicating with no success. He is still remaining to himself and i choose to respect it, but i am not going to sulk in my worry because i have a child and would be unproductive.


update. today was my teenage sib in law birthday and my little one was there. I had school so my hubby went over to have dinner with the fam. my mom in law watches our child and she was there as well. usually if the decision is made for our child to stay the night he informs me via a call or text. I come home to see him and no daughter. Our issue has nothing to do with how i handle our child. This is when i realized that he is playing a game. I refused to give in to him with anger because i fell he was expecting me to say something. I came home, finished cleaning and was pleasant with him (even though i still got the cold shoulder). I told him i loved him and he mumbled(sp) it back. So he is still giving me the cold shoulder. Please help!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> update. today was my teenage sib in law birthday and my little one was there. I had school so my hubby went over to have dinner with the fam. my mom in law watches our child and she was there as well. usually if the decision is made for our child to stay the night he informs me via a call or text. I come home to see him and no daughter. Our issue has nothing to do with how i handle our child. This is when i realized that he is playing a game. I refused to give in to him with anger because i fell he was expecting me to say something. I came home, finished cleaning and was pleasant with him (even though i still got the cold shoulder). I told him i loved him and he mumbled(sp) it back. So he is still giving me the cold shoulder. Please help!


All the valuable info you need to handle this situation has been given. It's up to you to follow the advice, or ignore it and continue to do what you've been doing. 

Either you make a change, or you want to talk about making a change. Which is it?


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> All the valuable info you need to handle this situation has been given. It's up to you to follow the advice, or ignore it and continue to do what you've been doing.
> 
> Either you make a change, or you want to talk about making a change. Which is it?


Oh i definitely want to make a change but an a little unsure if i am going in right direction. So much different advice given. when he did this i did not want to give in to his game and also dont want him to think i am sweating the silent treatment. I think that is what he is looking for. I m trying to respond differently than usual. So if i may ask, please let me know the pros and cons in my aproach. Just looking for feedback so that i can know where i need to do things better.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> Oh i definitely want to make a change but an a little unsure if i am going in right direction. So much different advice given. when he did this i did not want to give in to his game and also dont want him to think i am sweating the silent treatment. I think that is what he is looking for. I m trying to respond differently than usual. So if i may ask, please let me know the pros and cons in my aproach. Just looking for feedback so that i can know where i need to do things better.


You need to stop expecting him to change. He's not going to. Ignore him. I've mentioned before that living in the same house doesn't foster any long-term good feelings under the circumstances. He's not going to see you doing anything differently than you had been in the past, he doesn't WANT to. So you can be on your best behavior with him and it won't matter. You keep thinking that being pleasant around him will change his mind and it simply will not.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You need to stop expecting him to change. He's not going to. Ignore him. I've mentioned before that living in the same house doesn't foster any long-term good feelings under the circumstances. He's not going to see you doing anything differently than you had been in the past, he doesn't WANT to. So you can be on your best behavior with him and it won't matter. You keep thinking that being pleasant around him will change his mind and it simply will not.


I get you. Focus on bettering me and let him focus on this game he is playing. I asked if he wanted to stay at his parents but he doesnt for the sake of lettting them know our business and him regretting it. So he chose to stay at the house. I am not leaving because i primarily take care of our child and i refuse to have her spending the night out over his need to pout. So that is the beast i am dealing with. So i will just continue to ignore him. what i am realizing is i am not a bad person nor am i this selfish person he is trying to pit me to be. I am giving, loving, loyal, and compassionate. I refuse to let his insecurities make me into this person who always feel she is wrong.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> I get you. Focus on bettering me and let him focus on this game he is playing. I asked if he wanted to stay at his parents but he doesnt for the sake of lettting them know our business and him regretting it. So he chose to stay at the house. I am not leaving because i primarily take care of our child and i refuse to have her spending the night out over his need to pout. So that is the beast i am dealing with. So i will just continue to ignore him. what i am realizing is i am not a bad person nor am i this selfish person he is trying to pit me to be. I am giving, loving, loyal, and compassionate. I refuse to let his insecurities make me into this person who always feel she is wrong.


I love how he wants time apart, but isn't willing to move out of the house. Games. Manipulation. Pouting. He's batting 1000.

IMO if he really wanted to get away from you he would. Continue to ignore him.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I love how he wants time apart, but isn't willing to move out of the house. Games. Manipulation. Pouting. He's batting 1000.
> 
> IMO if he really wanted to get away from you he would. Continue to ignore him.


I dontknow you but want to say i really appreciate you. I am so use to your style of approach, hence my mom. Thanks


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> I dontknow you but want to say i really appreciate you. I am so use to your style of approach, hence my mom. Thanks


:smthumbup: 

You're welcome!


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

I must admit, i understand why u say that real time apart can not happen with two people in same home. It is hard for me not to communicate with him but i know that i have to not play his game. I see it like this, I am not the one who truly wants this time apart or silent treatment. I am willing to let things go. He is the one keeping this up so why should i be the one groveling over this. He can speak when he wants to sence he is the PARKER BROTHERS of this game. It is a nice weekend in chicago and i planned on taking our daughter to the pumpkin patch and text himt o invite. If he refuses, his bad. OH THE HELLWELL!


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I love how he wants time apart, but isn't willing to move out of the house. Games. Manipulation. Pouting. He's batting 1000.
> 
> IMO if he really wanted to get away from you he would. Continue to ignore him.


Oh and here is a laugh for you. So when he moved intot he other room be bought bins for his stuff (underwear, socks). So i washed last night right. So when done i proceeded to his new room to put his things up. I tried to put his underwear in his new room and he tells me to keep it in OUR room. I then said "Oh, i assumed it was staying in here since you moved your stuff out, but ok>" LOL


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> Oh and here is a laugh for you. So when he moved intot he other room be bought bins for his stuff (underwear, socks). So i washed last night right. So when done i proceeded to his new room to put his things up. I tried to put his underwear in his new room and he tells me to keep it in OUR room. I then said "Oh, i assumed it was staying in here since you moved your stuff out, but ok>" LOL


He sounds like my ex husband. He said the 'D' word one too many times with me, so I told him to leave and served him papers a month later. During his time away I asked him to meet me to dinner, to talk about things... see where his head was... if he really meant he wanted to end things... and to tell him I still cared for him and was willing to try to make our relationship work. I met him where we had our first date (my suggestion) and I told him that I was willing to put everything in the past and start fresh. I loved him and wanted it to work, and I was sorry if I had hurt him in any way. You know what he did? He came to dinner, and sulked the entire time. He didn't have much to say to me and acted indifferent when I was telling him how I felt. I really didn't understand why he even came. 

I suggested counseling, but ended up going alone. In my first session, my pastor told me that I was a good wife, he just isn't ready to be a true husband to me. I didn't need anymore confirmation that I needed to end things with him. I'm no asskisser and I wasn't about to kiss his and beg and grovel for him to at least try. He wanted out? He got papers served to him 3 weeks later. 

I don't regret that move in the least. I'm happily remarried to a man that doesn't play games, isn't passive aggressive, and is honest with me even when it hurts. Sometimes he sulks, but I tell him he better snap out of it, I don't cater to childish behavior. It works!! :rofl:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, you can go two ways here. You can ignore what he's doing and pretend you two are still together and pretend he never said he wanted 'space.' Keep washing his socks.

Or you can give him what he wants, stay in the same house but give him a big fat 180. You want space? You got it. You are now single and in charge of your own life. I will wash my clothes and my kids' clothes; you're on your own. I will cook for me and kids; you're on your own. I will take the kids out for fun; you're on your own.

Show him what space looks like. 

Make him miss you.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> He sounds like my ex husband. He said the 'D' word one too many times with me, so I told him to leave and served him papers a month later. During his time away I asked him to meet me to dinner, to talk about things... see where his head was... if he really meant he wanted to end things... and to tell him I still cared for him and was willing to try to make our relationship work. I met him where we had our first date (my suggestion) and I told him that I was willing to put everything in the past and start fresh. I loved him and wanted it to work, and I was sorry if I had hurt him in any way. You know what he did? He came to dinner, and sulked the entire time. He didn't have much to say to me and acted indifferent when I was telling him how I felt. I really didn't understand why he even came.
> 
> I suggested counseling, but ended up going alone. In my first session, my pastor told me that I was a good wife, he just isn't ready to be a true husband to me. I didn't need anymore confirmation that I needed to end things with him. I'm no asskisser and I wasn't about to kiss his and beg and grovel for him to at least try. He wanted out? He got papers served to him 3 weeks later.
> 
> I don't regret that move in the least. I'm happily remarried to a man that doesn't play games, isn't passive aggressive, and is honest with me even when it hurts. Sometimes he sulks, but I tell him he better snap out of it, I don't cater to childish behavior. It works!! :rofl:


Lol. I dont wnat a divorce but i def hear you. I am sure he regrets that move.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Ok, you can go two ways here. You can ignore what he's doing and pretend you two are still together and pretend he never said he wanted 'space.' Keep washing his socks.
> 
> Or you can give him what he wants, stay in the same house but give him a big fat 180. You want space? You got it. You are now single and in charge of your own life. I will wash my clothes and my kids' clothes; you're on your own. I will cook for me and kids; you're on your own. I will take the kids out for fun; you're on your own.
> 
> ...


Yeah i am def going to show him what space looks like. Got too much going on to play games. Either you are in or you are out. Honestly, its been kinda nice having bed to myself. When the little one wakes i let her crawl in with me and we cuddle. Been some darn good sleep. LOL


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

Funny thing is he really is a great guy. No other issues except he overreacts and pouts. He is never wrong. Its not like i am the onyl one who says it. HIS FAMILY says it. So i get frustrating when the B**CH A**ness comes out in him. Grrrrr...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you know that the only way to make that change is to refuse to play the game with him. One time, I didn't pick my husband up from church fast enough; so he started walking. Walking on the side of the road where I would be sure to SEE him; poor poor him, having to walk home because I didn't get there within 5 minutes. He'd show me, how much of a victim he was because he had to put up with mean, horrible me.

I'd like to say I just left him there and let him walk home. But I didn't. By then, I was so indoctrinated (like you) to appease him every time he pouted that I stopped and BEGGED him to get in the care and APOLOGIZED for making him wait. 

All I did was further enforce that he was right and I was the villain. It's been going on for 30 years now because I never put a stop to it by letting him walk home - calling him out on his ridiculous behavior. 

Don't do what I did.

Mind you, at the same time, point out to him that you are not doing this (changing your responses) because you don't love him. In fact, you're doing it because you DO love him and want him to be a happy member of the family, but that it will never be so unless he realizes that what he's doing is unhealthy for the family. Don't make it about HIM, but his ACTIONS. That way, if he wants to, he can save face and stop the bad behavior at the same time.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Well, you know that the only way to make that change is to refuse to play the game with him. One time, I didn't pick my husband up from church fast enough; so he started walking. Walking on the side of the road where I would be sure to SEE him; poor poor him, having to walk home because I didn't get there within 5 minutes. He'd show me, how much of a victim he was because he had to put up with mean, horrible me.
> 
> I'd like to say I just left him there and let him walk home. But I didn't. By then, I was so indoctrinated (like you) to appease him every time he pouted that I stopped and BEGGED him to get in the care and APOLOGIZED for making him wait.
> 
> ...


I LIKE! ABITMuch was saying that if he wanted to leave he would have. I worry so much about my response making him leave and not so much on the positive aspect of my response. I will give h im what he wants and no longer do actions of the guilty. He can come aroud when he feels like it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just remember that he said he wanted space because he felt like he was losing control, that his previous attempts at getting what he wanted weren't working, so he threw out the ultimate gauntlet - get off my back or I will leave you.

Show him you're smarter than that.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Just remember that he said he wanted space because he felt like he was losing control, that his previous attempts at getting what he wanted weren't working, so he threw out the ultimate gauntlet - get off my back or I will leave you.
> 
> Show him you're smarter than that.


WEll i will just get off his back. He can talk when he feels like it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It's not always easy to show that you don't approve of someone's actions, and not them personally. Especially when they've had a lifetime of conditioning to take it "personally". I'm kinda glad to hear you are keeping sane about this, though. You are tougher than me. I would have lost my temper with it. It takes a strong will to refuse to stoop to someone else's level.
The only thing I can do in a lot of situations.... is control me. Until a situation arises where the other side is "open" to discussing behaviors.
Good luck, Nene. Hang in there!!


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> It's not always easy to show that you don't approve of someone's actions, and not them personally. Especially when they've had a lifetime of conditioning to take it "personally". I'm kinda glad to hear you are keeping sane about this, though. You are tougher than me. I would have lost my temper with it. It takes a strong will to refuse to stoop to someone else's level.
> The only thing I can do in a lot of situations.... is control me. Until a situation arises where the other side is "open" to discussing behaviors.
> Good luck, Nene. Hang in there!!


I am trying. I text him to see if he still wanted to take our daughter to pumpkin patcb this weekend and he says i guess. I sent him this: "Its obvious u want out this marriage so i have to get usr to doimg things as a single mom. U want to go its on u... " no response yet but he can engage in this game alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't go there, nene. That's just baiting him; you're hoping that if you do that, he will come to the rescue and 'prove' to you that he doesn't mean it.

He will never learn that way; you'll just 'react' him back to staying with you, without him suffering consequences and learning WHY he's doing what he's doing. 

Give him his space. Be mysterious. Get a life and leave him in the dust. SHOW him what space looks like. Stop the games.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nene said:


> I am trying. I text him to see if he still wanted to take our daughter to pumpkin patcb this weekend and he says i guess. I sent him this: "Its obvious u want out this marriage so i have to get usr to doimg things as a single mom. U want to go its on u... " no response yet but he can engage in this game alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Every time you text him, do his laundry, SPEAK to him about anything, you're engaging in his game. You have to carry on like he isn't there. Don't ask his opinion. Don't ask him to join you in activities. 

He asked for space you need to give it to him.... ALL THE WAY. Ignore, ignore, ignore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you stopped doing his laundry?


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Have you stopped doing his laundry?


Lol. Yes. My plan is to pick up daughter and get stuff to make homemade nachos and have movie night with daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

nene said:


> Lol. Yes. My plan is to pick up daughter and get stuff to make homemade nachos and have movie night with daughter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guess what. He left his phone at home so was able to erase text i sent earlier!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good job.


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