# Tried to have the talk, it failed miserably



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I've been thinking all weekend and decided it was time to have "the talk" again. I say again, but it's never really happened because he never talks with me. He gets upset and yells, or cries, or just leaves. Or starts saying mean things and I then I get angry and yell. He has an excuse for everything. Today is no different. I've been very depressed this weekend and finally decide it is time to talk, but he takes all of it as an attack on him. He says, "The only reason you're upset right now is because I went hunting without you..." I try to tell him that it's way more than that. That's it's about everything that we've not dealt with from day one, but he just starts yelling and arguing and saying that I'm crazy. I said, "We haven't even had SEX in a year. Do you think that is normal??" And he says, "That's YOUR FAULT!!!.." Which is what he tells me everytime I beg him to sleep in our bed and everytime I tell him how hurt I am that we don't even have sex. If it's my fault, then why am I always the one to bring up the problem. So, I become angry and slam the door which breaks the bottom window which has been loose and hanging off for over a year. He screams, "That's it....I'm DONE with you!!" Which is what he screams everytime he gets pissed at me. Although then when I try to discuss me moving out and divorce, he tells me that's my choice, but he would NEVER give up on our relationship.

I'm so alone. I'm so lonely. I don't know who to talk to or where to go. My family lives in another city. I can't drive because of a broken foot. He knows I'm dependent on him, yet he doesn't seem to "see" that. I feel so trapped here. All I wanted was a husband, a family, and to share my life with someone. And, what I got doesn't even qualify as a roommate.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Call a lawyer. Why stay now unless there are kids involved? I don't think the "talk" failed. I'm sure he gets the hint. Have your family come get you if you have to.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I wish I could, but I have a good job here and can't just leave. I would lose my job and I've worked to hard to get where I am. However, I am going to file for divorce. I don't know what else to do at this point. I just shouldn't have to feel so bad about myself for making this choice, though.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Perhaps counseling might be worth a try. Maybe you can bring that up with him and if you're both willing to try, go for it.

As for the pain, everyone goes thru it. There is no easy way out. I wish it was not so hard either.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but how is filing for divorce going to magically fix your reliance on him? Have you thought about where you'll live, how you'll get around, etc?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> No offense, but how is filing for divorce going to magically fix your reliance on him? Have you thought about where you'll live, how you'll get around, etc?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will have my boot off soon. And, beyond that, I am not reliant on him. I have a great job. I make good money. I take care of all my own bills. Have for years. I think he is more reliant on me, especially emotionally, than I ever have been on him. I think it upsets him that I can be ok alone. That's one reason he was seeing a counselor because he is very codependent. I will get a house, whether I rent or buy, and my parents are willing to help me out if needed. I just told my mom tonight that I'm ready to get out of my marriage. She hates to see me divorce, but agrees that we can't live like this and that he doesn't seem to want to make things better. He seems to be able to ignore everything and that seems to make him feel better. But I can't do that.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

TheMizz...erable said:


> Perhaps counseling might be worth a try. Maybe you can bring that up with him and if you're both willing to try, go for it.
> 
> As for the pain, everyone goes thru it. There is no easy way out. I wish it was not so hard either.


I'm all for counseling. Have done personal counseling in the past. However, we tried counseling and it failed miserably. He would talk the talk at counseling, but nothing ever changed at home. He was seeing a personal counselor as well, because of his anger issues and communication issues, but he came home a few months later and said he was "fixed" and didn't need to go anymore. Nothing has changed.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I lay here in my bedroom, knowing I need to go out and talk with him and get him to understand that it is over if things don't change, and I just can't. I don't want to fight and I know that's what it will turn into. I've tried letter writing. That doesn't seem to work either because something always gets taken the wrong way. I am at the end. I truly want out. It's been a little over a year in this marriage, and it's been like this from day 1. I go back and re read my posts on here and re read my journal at home and I've been feeling like I'm beating my head against the wall from the beginning. I'm ashamed I let this go on for a year!! But, I do know that I fought for this marriage. At some point though I just quit fighting because he wasn't helping me in the fight.

Now that I know it's over, how do I talk to him about it?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> I lay here in my bedroom, knowing I need to go out and talk with him and get him to understand that it is over if things don't change, and I just can't. I don't want to fight and I know that's what it will turn into. I've tried letter writing. That doesn't seem to work either because something always gets taken the wrong way. I am at the end. I truly want out. It's been a little over a year in this marriage, and it's been like this from day 1. I go back and re read my posts on here and re read my journal at home and I've been feeling like I'm beating my head against the wall from the beginning. I'm ashamed I let this go on for a year!! But, I do know that I fought for this marriage. At some point though I just quit fighting because he wasn't helping me in the fight.
> 
> Now that I know it's over, how do I talk to him about it?


Are you looking for him to change? Then just go. Might have to wait to heal foot, find place and go. You've tried explaining, he chooses not to understand - what is there left to say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Are you looking for him to change? Then just go. Might have to wait to heal foot, find place and go. You've tried explaining, he chooses not to understand - what is there left to say?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I WAS looking for him to change, but he never has, so it's time to go. I talked to my mom tonight and I've got her support so it's time to do it. Unfortunately our home comes because of his job, so I definitely will have to find a place to live. 

Part of me always blames myself though. I guess I just need to be sure I've done all I can. I've battled self confidence and depression my entire life and I don't want to fall back into that dark hole. So, I'm just trying my hardest to make sure I make the right decision. And him telling me I'm only hurting him and that he would never do this to me, makes it very hard. But, that's not going to stop me anymore. It's time to move on and learn to be happy again.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Talking to him is like talking with a 2 year old child. This morning I asked him where my glasses case and contact case were from Friday night (We were at a ballgame, my contacts were dry, I took them out and put it all in my glasses case, he carried it because I was on crutches and can't carry anything when using them.) He says, "I never had them...." I try to explain to him that he HAD to have them because I can't carry anything when using crutches. I wasn't blaming him for losing them. I wasn't upset at him because I didn't know where they were. I was asking a simple question, "Where did you put them when we came home." He continues to argue that he never had them, blah, blah, blah. I said, "It's not your fault, I just need to find them so I can go to work". His response? "Well, then that's the ONLY thing that's not my fault...."

So, I told him that this weekend had nothing to do with what happened this weekend. It has to do with everything that has happened or not happened between us since day 1 of our marriage. I'm not blaming, I'm stating a fact that we need to quit ignoring what's right in front of us. He starts banging around and acting angry. I say, "Why can't we discuss this? Are you really happy living this way? I just can't ignore this anymore and pretend that we are living like a married couple." He say, "I'm just pissed. Just leave....I don't care....". Which is his response everytime I try to discuss our marriage. He jumps straight into defense mode no matter how I structure my questions, responses, statements. It doesn't matter. He is 36 years old and can't hold a conversation if he is at all upset or uncomfortable. As I've stated before, this is the reason his kids have nothing to do with him. He started shutting them out when he was upset. Now he's doing the same to me. Why do I feel I need to sort this out before leaving??? And why won't he help or let me??? If I just leave, I'll feel like things are not resolved and that I didn't do everything I could to make it better.....I know that's not right, but I want to be sure that I tried EVERYTHING before calling it quits. But, what do I do if he won't even let me TRY? I tried his way...I tried to pretend everything was FINE....but when I go to bed every night by myself and he sleeps on the couch and I realize that in October it will 1 year since we've had sex....I just can't pretend anymore. I'm only hurting myself more by ignoring the situation.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

He tells you to leave but yet you stay and question what you should do. So why don't you move to a temporary rental situation and file for divorce? What's' holding you back?


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Time to get out and start looking out for yourself. Your H is emotionally abusing you, plain and simple. There are no kids involved, find a rental as a temporary place to stay for a while, and get on with YOUR life....


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

D8zed said:


> He tells you to leave but yet you stay and question what you should do. So why don't you move to a temporary rental situation and file for divorce? What's' holding you back?


First off, he says, "Just Leave...Do whatever you want to do", but then gets very upset when I truly start to look into leaving saying, " I would NEVER do this to you...." and cries. That makes me feel bad and he knows that.

Also, I want to make sure I've tried to salvage my marriage before moving out. I live in a small town. There are no rentals available at this time. I already have a friend trying to find a place to rent and there is nothing available right now. I will probably end up purchasing a home anyway.

And the other thing that is holding me back?? My right foot is broken and I can't drive and we live 12 miles in the country. If it wasn't for being totally dependent on him at this time to go anywhere, I would probably have put this into action already. 

It's not an easy decision. And I have never been a person who can take any decision lightly. I think, and re think, and go over everything until I almost drive myself crazy! lol! That's a good thing in some ways, but hard in other ways.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Avalon said:


> Time to get out and start looking out for yourself. Your H is emotionally abusing you, plain and simple. There are no kids involved, find a rental as a temporary place to stay for a while, and get on with YOUR life....


Thank you. This is what I've come to realize!


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

You're a strong person, and you need to make YOU your top priority. It'll be hard, but you deserve to be treated well without the emotional manipulation that H is putting you through on a daily basis. Hang in there!!!!!


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