# Friend's husband



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My wife and I have this friend. Over the past year or so, we've heard how her husband is disinterested in sex with her, while previously having had some level of interest. They have gone months at a time with nothing, and it seems to happen almost in spurts (ie. nothing for 3 months, then 3 times in one week, then back to another month without).

Thing is, I think I know why. We have also learned the following: She is grossed out by oral sex (giving AND receiving). She says her husband is the same (not sure about that one...). Same with anal (understandable and not uncommon). She does orgasm through PIV, but one O and she's done (a complaint she has is that hubby is done in 2 minutes or less, often before she is. I highly suspect he's conditioned himself to finish quickly, because... duh.) She also hates having her breasts played with, and often leaves her shirt, or at least bra, on.

It's none of our concern, TBH. But I find I'm sitting here thinking "I don't think I'd want to have sex with you, either" (which is a mean thing to say, I know, but...)

Now, she's late 40's and very attractive. Extremely fit (right into cardio and weights), has the body of a woman half her age and is very easy on the eyes. So for hubby, it isn't that. She also has a sex drive, and has straight up said it's something she'd do every day, twice if possible.

Now, we picked this stuff up over the year+ not because she sits down and talks to us - it's just one of those things. A comment here, a comment there. She's not asking for advice, nor would we just give her some without her asking. But she's complaining about something that I'm wondering if she knows she has any responsibility in.

I'm kind of scared she's going to actually ask us for advice some day. There's no good way to tell someone that they're severely limiting themselves, and therefore that's a likely reason why there's little to no interest in it from hubby.

But I thought I'd post this, because I've literally never heard of this before, including on TAM. An obvious HD individual that limits themselves so much, sexually, and seems to be blissfully unaware of it. Ironically enough, it made me realize that my wife is the polar opposite - nothing's off limits or 'gross', but 2, 3, 4 times a month is enough for her. Every day, twice a day, would be awesome, but with all those limitations... no thanks!

Am I alone in thinking this is... different? (choosing my words carefully!)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I highly doubt her sex life is as bad as she's making it out to be. I also highly doubt that her problem is with the sex itself. Sounds like she has control issues, or else she's put up all these conditions on having sex because she really isn't all that into it as she says she is.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Forget all that other stuff about oral, anal and touching the breasts. Maybe if her husband lasted longer than two minutes he could get her shirt off, and much more.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If she asks for advice, then you can either politely decline, or give it to her. 

If she has asked, there is nothing wrong with letting her know that her range of sexual interests are more limited than is typical these days, and that that could be a contributing factor in her spouse's lack of interest. 






alexm said:


> My wife and I have this friend. Over the past year or so, we've heard how her husband is disinterested in sex with her, while previously having had some level of interest. They have gone months at a time with nothing, and it seems to happen almost in spurts (ie. nothing for 3 months, then 3 times in one week, then back to another month without).
> 
> Thing is, I think I know why. We have also learned the following: She is grossed out by oral sex (giving AND receiving). She says her husband is the same (not sure about that one...). Same with anal (understandable and not uncommon). She does orgasm through PIV, but one O and she's done (a complaint she has is that hubby is done in 2 minutes or less, often before she is. I highly suspect he's conditioned himself to finish quickly, because... duh.) She also hates having her breasts played with, and often leaves her shirt, or at least bra, on.
> 
> ...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I'm assuming that if she's in her late 40s then he is at least that old if not older? If so, his lack of desire may have more to do with low t than any of her quirks. 

You also have to consider that you only have a small snippet of her whole sexual relationship picture. She may not like her boobs touched but maybe she likes (and he likes) tweeking/biting his nipples. She may not like anal but maybe she likes (and he likes) pegging him. She may like many different PIV positions and playing with toys. Maybe she enjoys cos play. Maybe she likes sex in different rooms of the house, in the car, or outdoors. You just don't know. It would be unfair to judge her as lacking or boring because her quirks don't fit your preferences. That's why I say get the whole picture before making any suggestions.

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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

uhtred said:


> If she asks for advice, then you can either politely decline, or give it to her....


Or tell her to go on TAM and ask


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

alexm said:


> My wife and I have this friend. Over the past year or so, *we've heard*


Have you heard this from the friend or has your wife heard and relayed the info to you?

Don't you think it is inappropriate for a married woman to be telling this info to a married man, even if his wife is there? (Maybe if you are a "friend of the marriage" that is ok, but still seems odd to me.)

Maybe I am just old fashioned.

BTW, I agree with the poster that said have her come to TAM.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

blueinbr said:


> Have you heard this from the friend or has your wife heard and relayed the info to you?
> 
> Don't you think it is inappropriate for a married woman to be telling this info to a married man, even if his wife is there? (Maybe if you are a "friend of the marriage" that is ok, but still seems odd to me.)
> 
> ...


As I said, it's more just hearing the odd comment (or complaint, as it were), as opposed to straight up venting. Little tidbits of info picked up over time, in a casual manner. I'm sure my wife and I do it, too, without noticing sometimes (but not in regards to our sex life. Maybe SHE does, I don't know!)

Please don't get the impression we're all sitting around talking about our sex lives willy nilly, or that our friend is coming to me for advice. You pick up things, and things are said, when you have couple friends, that's all.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

UMP said:


> Forget all that other stuff about oral, anal and touching the breasts. Maybe if her husband lasted longer than two minutes he could get her shirt off, and much more.


Like I said, I bet you he's conditioned himself to do that...


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Why do you know so much, details and all? Why would she be discussing this with a married couple? I find that extremely odd. Even if you hear bits and pieces, you know way too much. Could this story be about you or your wife? Just an honest question.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

alexm said:


> *Please don't get the impression we're all sitting around talking about our sex lives willy nilly, *or that our friend is coming to me for advice. You pick up things, and things are said, when you have couple friends, that's all.


:rofl:

I only have one female friend that talks about her orgasms. That is why I ended up at TAM. :FIREdevil:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Without more info or his side of the story, you could be guessing wrong. Oh well, it's obviously a little entertaining to consider. 

We played mini-golf over the weekend for a charity event, along with some friends. He flubbed his putt on a few holes and only moved the ball a couple of inches. She told him to "Stop jerking the two inches." Naturally we teased him about his two inches after that (not to mention playing with a blue ball), and her for her poorly-phrased comment (she does has a habit of saying things without considering how they can be misinterpreted).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

There are prudes in this world, and most of the time they do not realize they are prudes.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

alexm said:


> I'm kind of scared she's going to actually ask us for advice some day. There's no good way to tell someone that they're severely limiting themselves, and therefore that's a likely reason why there's little to no interest in it from hubby.
> 
> But I thought I'd post this, because I've literally never heard of this before, including on TAM. An obvious HD individual that limits themselves so much, sexually, and seems to be blissfully unaware of it.
> 
> ...


If she ever does ask, tell her as gently as possible, but tell her. If her limitations are the reason she isn't getting the quantity of sex she wants, someone should at least introduce the possibility so she can mull it over.

I have known women who claimed to be HD and had similar limits for various reasons. And I, like you, couldn't help but think that frequent sex under those conditions would bore me to tears after a couple months at most.

Chicken or egg? Is she so limited because he finishes in 2 minutes or does he finish in 2 minutes to get the obligatory boring sex over with? Obviously we have no way of knowing, but its interesting to speculate.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

hifromme67 said:


> Why do you know so much, details and all? Why would she be discussing this with a married couple? I find that extremely odd. Even if you hear bits and pieces, you know way too much. Could this story be about you or your wife? Just an honest question.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't think it's odd at all. I know tons about my circle of friends sex lives. We've been friends for many years, through dating, promiscuous phases, marriages and divorces and the births of children, etc. We'll generally talk about sex at the drop of a dime. Books, toys, techniques, good porn, positions, likes and dislikes, nothing off limits. It's much more fun than standard gossip! >


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It may be that she wants sex every day but not the way he does it.

The part about not taking her shirt off isn't really a clue in this mystery. She may not incorporate her breasts into her own sexual enjoyment. If he would prefer she allow him access to her breasts but she isn't, all this tells us is that they have both settled on her keeping her shirt on during sex. No more than that can be speculated.

If you heard this part from the husband, he may not have told you an important piece of it like, what if he told her he's not much of a boob man anyway? This may have been the beginning of their boob issue. We can't say without more data on that topic.

From what little you have reported, I'm guessing there's more to the story. They aren't that into each other, sounds like to me.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

hifromme67 said:


> Why do you know so much, details and all? Why would she be discussing this with a married couple? I find that extremely odd. Even if you hear bits and pieces, you know way too much. Could this story be about you or your wife? Just an honest question.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Like @MJJEAN said below your reply, friends hear things from time to time. And I said twice already, it's not through one sit-down type conversation over drinks. It's just bits and pieces picked up over time. It's really none of my business, either, it's just that when I put all these things she's mentioned together, this is what I can deduce.

There's definitely two sides to this story, and I haven't heard (and am not likely to, thankfully) hear the other.

Now, hearing these things hasn't been awkward - it's the culmination of all of it together that has made it somewhat so, in my eyes. I don't think she consciously realizes how much she may have said, and that it's painted this kind of picture.

Anyway, my point with this thread is that I find it fascinating, in a train-wreck kind of way, that somebody is upset that their spouse isn't into them sexually, yet has all these parameters in place (rules, really), and still has no idea why.

I mean honestly, if your spouse said giving and receiving oral is off the table, touching breasts is off the table (even SEEING breasts is a no-go), and PIV for x-amount of time so she can get off, but too short or too long is bad. Oh, and I'd like this at least once a day, please. Where do I sign up? :|


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

alexm said:


> Anyway, my point with this thread is that I find it fascinating, in a train-wreck kind of way, that somebody is upset that their spouse isn't into them sexually, yet has all these parameters in place (rules, really), and still has no idea why.
> 
> *I mean honestly, if your spouse said giving and receiving oral is off the table, touching breasts is off the table (even SEEING breasts is a no-go), and PIV for x-amount of time so she can get off, but too short or too long is bad. Oh, and I'd like this at least once a day, please.* Where do I sign up? :|


None of us can know with such limited information why someone else's marriage is lacking sex. We can only assume our preferences are similar to theirs or their partner's . You've done exactly that with your friend's example. You think her husband's lack of sexual desire is due to her limitations, because they are a turn off to you, but it could be due to something completely unrelated. Her quirks are not complimentary to your preferences but they may be completely acceptable to someone else, including her husband (not enough info to determine his lack of interest). Her positive traits may be more than enough to outweigh the negatives. 

There is nothing right or wrong about consensual sexual preferences or kinks. There is only compatibility. 

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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

She's not disinterested. Just not with him.


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

Her limited range of interests and the need to remain covered on top projects to her man that she can't open up and relax into sex, that she's just not into him sexually and leads him to believe that nothing he does is working for her and she is just giving him duty sex. However far that may be from what she really thinks, that is likely how he feels and there is no better way than this to sabotage a man's subconscious and turn him into a two minute man. And the infrequency/irregularity only compounds these issues. I would start there if she draws you in looking for advice. 

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Too much "chicken or egg" here ... so everything below is an assumption.

Is she turned off from oral because her husband lasts two minutes or is her turn-off for oral what caused his performance to dwindle to two minutes?

She's attractive for her age and takes care of herself. What is he like?

She may have some hang ups with the discomfort in removing shirt/bra. IME attractive women don't have quite as many of these hang ups, but they can act this way if they're not really attracted to their spouses/boyfriends.

Hard to say for sure.. so many unknowns.

My guess would be, she's not very attracted to him. She may love him and love sex, but honestly I have not really known many women, even women that don't normally like oral, to turn it down with a man they are really attracted to. Anal is another story entirely. For some women, it a straight forward no-go zone.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Satya said:


> Too much "chicken or egg" here ... so everything below is an assumption.
> 
> Is she turned off from oral because her husband lasts two minutes or is her turn-off for oral what caused his performance to dwindle to two minutes?
> 
> ...





Lila said:


> None of us can know with such limited information why someone else's marriage is lacking sex. We can only assume our preferences are similar to theirs or their partner's . You've done exactly that with your friend's example. You think her husband's lack of sexual desire is due to her limitations, because they are a turn off to you, but it could be due to something completely unrelated. Her quirks are not complimentary to your preferences but they may be completely acceptable to someone else, including her husband (not enough info to determine his lack of interest). Her positive traits may be more than enough to outweigh the negatives.
> 
> There is nothing right or wrong about consensual sexual preferences or kinks. There is only compatibility.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk



Fair points from both of you!

I didn't mean to say there's something _wrong_ with her if she doesn't like the things described above. That said, from MY perspective - and many others I would imagine - there's just not a lot to go on, sexually. I guess my comment made it seem like she's broken or something, because she doesn't like so-called 'normal' sexual things.

As far as those acts are concerned, I get the impression she generally dislikes them, period. Not just from him. I would imagine she would have said she doesn't like it from HIM. The wording she has used ('gross', 'gag me', etc.) seem to imply she has a distaste for the acts themselves. In regards to the whole breast thing, again - same type of wording.

Again, her complaining has to do with HIM not being interested in her, not the other way around. He sounds quite similar to my wife, insofar as she doesn't initiate sex or otherwise show any interest in it. Apparently he did at one point. I'm just saying that it certainly sounds like he's not interested for fairly obvious reasons.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

This is in a nutshell more or less my wife, except that she doesn't want sex with that high a frequency. Still, she enjoys it just fine as long as you don't draw outside the lines. 

So yes, they exist and yes, it gets uninteresting after a while.

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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

So odd that you take so much interest (enought to post) about a friend's sex life or lack of.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

hifromme67 said:


> So odd that you take so much interest (enought to post) about a friend's sex life or lack of.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You know, before I spent any time here on TAM, it would have been in one ear, out the other. My wife and I have another pair of couple friends, and he is the one doing the complaining - out loud, in front of us - about his lack of sex in the marriage. Its awkward, but he does it in a joking manner. It happens. But he's obviously frustrated.

It's the subject matter that's interesting to me. I'm not interested in the persons involved or their marriage. I'm interested in the subject matter and the real life example. It makes for interesting discussion, IMO. Don't read into anything.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

alexm said:


> She does orgasm through PIV, but one O and she's done (a complaint she has is that hubby is done in 2 minutes or less, often before she is.\


He's done in 2 minutes, and yet she's able to orgasm first.

Sounds like they don't waste much time on sex and in the end they get their money's worth anyway.

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "2 Minute Warning!"


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