# I seriously need help.



## SabSuperfly (Mar 23, 2016)

My husband and I have been married almost 14 years. The long and short of our story is we've had major ups and downs. We had a ton of money, then we had none. Had a big house on a lake then lost it. He lost those big money jobs over and over. We had a son... I got very ill and spent right at four years in the hospital with 40+ surgeries. Point being, we've been through quite a lot. 
Through all of this, we've turned in roommates. No affection at all. It's beyond ridiculous and it's just such a huge thing that neither of us even speak of it. I know the simple answer is just talk to him but we all know it's not that simple. 
We've gone through a couple of phases of having sex and we've taken it to the uhhummm... extreme. I don't think that's healthy and certainly not able to be maintained in a healthy head space. 
I guess I'm asking for advice on how to overcome this situation. He and I haven't even hugged in a year and as I sit here and think about it: do I even have a marriage anymore? Should I be planning a divorce instead of trying to repair our nonexistent sex life?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You two have been through so much. Have you tried reading relationship books together or MC?

What extremes have you gone to sexually?

Did these extremes cause more harm than good?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roybialik55 (Mar 5, 2016)

Don't know enough about you two to say much, but if you both love each other, MC is the way to go. If the love is gone, yes divorce is the next step. There has to be love between you both for MC to work . Hope you work this out


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

When was the last time you approached your husband and said "I need a hug, please hug me". Try that today.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SabSuperfly said:


> We've gone through a couple of phases of having sex and we've taken it to the uhhummm... extreme. I don't think that's healthy and certainly not able to be maintained in a healthy head space.


Desire needs distance, you two seem to be experts at maintaining a marriage capable of uhhummm... extreme desire for each other. That would be a positive way to look at your situation.

The problem with that is that suddenly going extreme after a period of abstinence can screw around with one's body chemistry. What goes up eventually crashes back down, and I call that Newton's law of extreme sexuality.

Like the NIKE commercial, "just do it!" But keep one thing in mind, *MODERATION*, and you will find yourself in a happier place.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

SabSuperfly said:


> My husband and I have been married almost 14 years. The long and short of our story is we've had major ups and downs. We had a ton of money, then we had none. Had a big house on a lake then lost it. He lost those big money jobs over and over. We had a son... I got very ill and spent right at four years in the hospital with 40+ surgeries. Point being, we've been through quite a lot.
> Through all of this, we've turned in roommates. No affection at all. It's beyond ridiculous and it's just such a huge thing that neither of us even speak of it. I know the simple answer is just talk to him but we all know it's not that simple.
> We've gone through a couple of phases of having sex and we've taken it to the uhhummm... extreme. I don't think that's healthy and certainly not able to be maintained in a healthy head space.
> I guess I'm asking for advice on how to overcome this situation. He and I haven't even hugged in a year and as I sit here and think about it: do I even have a marriage anymore? Should I be planning a divorce instead of trying to repair our nonexistent sex life?


While communication is certainly part of the solution, it is not something that is going to fix itself in a short span of time. Strong relationships are built like pyramids. The base is formed, and over time you are able to build the top of the pyramid. That top of the pyramid is sex. It would be a tremendous mistake to place a lot of effort trying to re-build the integrity of that top of the pyramid without first re-building the integrity of the base and intermediary levels of the pyramid first.

You can't just ask or indicate what you want, because his reception won't be the same as if the relationship had that intimate connection.

What do you do? Rebuild the friendship and passion that you have lost. The average couple only spends 3.5 minutes per day speaking about each other. The rest of the communication is related to work, family or home responsibilities. That figure should be 1+ hours per day, easily. When you talk, don't do it in a hurried manner and ensure your shoulders are squared with theirs, just as you would do if you were playing hockey (offense/defense).

Sexual desire takes all day to build, even in great relationships. There is a healthy emotional backdrop that is necessary to enjoy great sex and to keep wanting it in the future.

Date your husband again. Reconnect with the desires that brought you two together (magnetically). You might have to work up to hugs, as odd as that may sound. It might start with an arm on the shoulder, then around the back. It increases in closeness and duration, incrementally. I embrace my partner for a minimum of 30 seconds. It really helps release those bonding hormones for both of us.

Rebuild that pyramid.


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## SabSuperfly (Mar 23, 2016)

Thank you to everyone. You've all given me things to think about.


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