# Be patient or apply pressure?



## bewildered (Feb 1, 2010)

My wife of 15 years has been emotionally separated from me for close to a year and we have been physically separated for two months. She has the “I love you but not in love with you” syndrome. 
I’ve tried to be patient and give her space so she can figure out if she wants our marriage to work. We don’t fight and have a good relationship as friends. We have 2 children so still being in contact is a must.
Another important aspect of our relationship is that I have been a stay at home Dad and primary caregiver to our children. My wife makes a very comfortable living, while I have no real career. I have been picking away at a degree for a few years. Currently, I have a summer job that pays room and board, which is very convenient for a separation.
I spend a lot of my time reading relationship books, online articles and have even spent money on online programs to salvage this thing. I’ve stopped drinking, lost 30 pounds and have changed my outlook on life and love. She hasn’t shown much interest in actively trying to repair the relationship, and refused couples counseling. 
I lost patients one night when she told me she doesn’t miss me being gone at all. I told her it’s time to start talking about divorce if she still has no feelings for me. (An interesting feeling came over me when I told her that it was time for a divorce. I felt empowered and relieved. I finally had control over something! I love my wife dearly and want to be married to her, however this indecision and feeling of rejection is slowly crushing me.) 
She cried and said she wasn’t ready for that. I regained my composure and said we could talk in person. I backed off the divorce talk. She started reading a “save your marriage” book and it seemed to want to try and work on things. Fast forward a couple of weeks and she seems to back to her cold aloof self. It struck me that when I applied some pressure by talking divorce she started action towards resolution. Now I’ve backed off she has no sense of urgency. The things I’ve read about saving marriages are that you shouldn’t apply pressure and just back off. 
I feel like I am waiting in the wings as a fallback position in case she wants me back; however she isn’t ready to recommit. My summer job is ending in less than a month and she has given no sign of my moving back in with my family. I will need to find a job and an apartment. She knows all of this but doesn’t seem to care. She has asked nothing about my plans after my summer job ends. I am ready to move on with my life if that what she wants. I’m past the “I need you, can’t live without you” phase. 
I guess the questions I have for you fine folks are: How long do I wait? Do I cease control and end this thing since that is the one thing I can control? Do I put on the pressure and ask for a time table? Do I remain patient, be quiet and let things happen?


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Be patient... Seek out things. A great guide would be a book called the love dare. You can get it anywhere.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

She is cheating on you, maybe someone from her work. Look at phone records, spy on her, internet key loggers. Look at the Coping with Infidelity part of this web site and read read read. Be ready for a long battle. talk to this person about this, they are very good with this. Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Affaircare


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