# 86% of people who remain in an unhappy marriage are happy 5 years later. Really?



## helpless70 (Feb 28, 2013)

I cam across a study that is widely quoted when reading about marriage and divorce these past few months. Basically is stated that about 86% of the people who remain in an unhappy marriage are happy with that marriage 5 years later. Definitely a stat for the pro-marriage side. 
It went on to state that 5 years after a divorce; 20% are happier, 30% less happy, and 40% do about the same (same conflicts in current relationship that were present in previous relationship). Not sure about the last 10%.

Anybody believe this?

I'll dig up the link and post it on here.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think at one time it was true but now? No I don't believe it. And the reason I say this is because more and more people have mental issues/baggage that they bring into a marriage that will NEVER get better after 5 years. 

These are your depressed, your personality disorders, your narcissists, your abusers and your addicts.

It's the sad state of our society this isn't just your run of the mill fights over him leaving his underwear on the floor anymore. These are deep seated emotional problems that require more than just maturity to overcome.

Just my .02


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, the link would be good.

What that tells us is that marriages go through phases. They have ups and downs. I think we all know that. So it makes sense to stick with it and work through the problems instead of getting a divorce.

Divorces often do not solve problems. They create new problems and cause serious financial problems for the parties. Now divorces are very good for lawyers. They love divorces.

Yes sometimes divorces are necessary, when there is abuse, sometimes with infidelity. But to divorce before making a serious effort to fix the marriage, when there are no serious problems, is foolish.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I think at one time it was true but now? No I don't believe it. And the reason I say this is because more and more people have mental issues/baggage that they bring into a marriage that will NEVER get better after 5 years.
> 
> These are your depressed, your personality disorders, your narcissists, your abusers and your addicts.
> 
> ...


I agree that there are some people with deep seated problems that prevent the marriage from ever working. But I think that this occurs in a small percentage of marriages. Most people do not have these problems.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would like to know how they went from unhappy to happy in 5 years. What/who changed?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I would like to know how they went from unhappy to happy in 5 years. What/who changed?


I read the original story a while back. The point of the article was that people who stuck with marriage instead of being quick to divorce were happier than those that chose to divorce.

It did not say WHAT changed other than they stayed. 

And technically if you think about it this way the 86% figure makes sense. Of those studied 86% probably were happier because the other 20% went on to make the same mistakes in another marriage.

Make sense?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I read the original story a while back. The point of the article was that people who stuck with marriage instead of being quick to divorce were happier than those that chose to divorce.
> 
> It did not say WHAT changed other than they stayed.
> 
> ...


Makes perfect sense.

I'm guessing that they just accepted whatever they were unhappy about and/or found something else to focus on. I would love to know what the solution was found to be.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

This is a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you stayed in the marriage, you must have had hope and a plan for making things better. You can't conclude that staying in the marriage is the right thing to do or that people should be pushed to continue in the marriage from this data. (and I personally don't believe it anyway)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm. I wonder if the 80% were just going through a rough patch and had they left, would have been giving up too quickly. Most things in life are cyclical - maybe it's part of the maturing process to learn to ride out the tough times.

I'm part of the happy 20% and after the NPD diagnosis, I know it would have NEVER gotten better and I'm happier for it! I also feel pretty good about being in the "successful 2nd marriage" club when that happens. If it happens.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It would be interesting to see the parameters of the study. This could be skewed in any number of ways and I find the figure to be high with the divorce rate near 50% in the US. We thankfully, are in a much happier marriage then we were 5 years ago.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

When the study is actually cited then there will be something to talk about.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Wiserforit said:


> When the study is actually cited then there will be something to talk about.


No, let's continue to comment on it with speculation, half truths, lies and ignorance. Just like congress!


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## helpless70 (Feb 28, 2013)

OK. Found it.

IAV|Does Divorce Make People Happy?

and another

http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson4.pdf


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I would like to know how they went from unhappy to happy in 5 years. What/who changed?


Homicide?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I believe it. Because it gives you a feeling of accomplishment to work through shet with someone...

However, I couldn't stay in my marriage, seeing that he says he's lied about loving me the whole time. lmao. I can't see that being better in 5 years.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> *The team of family experts that conducted the study included *Linda J. Waite, Lucy Flower Professor of Sociology at the University of Chicago and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Don Browning, Professor Emeritus of the University of Chicago Divinity School; William J. Doherty, Professor of Family Social Science and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota; Maggie Gallagher, affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Ye Luo, a research associate at the Sloan Center on Parents, Children and Work at the University of Chicago; and Scott Stanley, Co-Director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.





> Spouses interviewed in the focus groups whose marriages had turned around generally had a low opinion of the benefits of divorce, as well as friends and family members who supported the importance of staying married. Because of their intense commitment to their marriages, these couples invested great effort in *enduring* or overcoming problems in their relationships, they minimized the importance of difficulties they couldn't resolve, and they actively worked to belittle the attractiveness of alternatives.


*The study should say "86% of people WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN DIVORCE FOR ANY REASON and so stay in their marriages, are happy 5 years later."*

I don't know, I guess if I asked 1,000 people who believed that divorced people are committing a 'sin' or 'going to hell', I'd expect to find that they, too, *invested great effort in enduring problems*. Doesn't mean I'd recommend that course to others.


JMO.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Had my ex and I found some way to reconcile, I suspicion that she would likely resemble a porcupine if everything she's had stuck in her was sticking out.
Not sure I would have found happiness in that.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I remember reading this study as well. If I recall correctly they were saying that most people's understanding and tolerance for certain problems that once appeared to be dealbreakers improved with time. Many of the problems were solved while others were simply accepted with a shrug and lived with. Once the problems were moved out of the gun sights the people could see what was good about the other person and the marriage.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Statistics like this can be misleading. At the root of what numbers like this prove is that *happiness is found within ourselves*. Instead they blame their partner. The old cliche of being comfortable in our own skin is TRUE. 

Many people are unhappy and married and they blame the marriage or spouse for thier unhappiness because they don't understand the partner amplifies happiness but isn't the source of it. So it makes sense that sticking out a marriage long enough for someone to stop putting the job of making them happy on their spouse and not themselves would save a lot of marriages. It makes sense that our generation of instant gratification and being taught how special we are growing up that many people call it quits as soon as life isn't what they are "entitled" to. They leave relationships and are baffled at how their problems keep reoccurring. And many look back with regret realizing that their expectations were unreasonable and that there children grew up with a split family because of it.

Edit: I'd like to know numbers when infidelity is involved though. Cheating is just flat out a show stopper and any WS who's BS has reconciled with them afterward is lucky.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Here's another study on the subject that's worth reading:-

http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson2.pdf


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I believe that at least some unhappy people who stay married are happier 5 years later. I mean, that's why we're all here, right? Because we believe that there's a good chance that we can work through our problems and come out better for it.

I'm always skeptical of studies that rely on self-reports and surveys, though. They're very easy to bias and often give very poor-quality data. Even the way questions are worded has been shown to affect the responses. So, I certainly wouldn't accept those numbers out of hand.

I used to be a science journalist, and I can tell you that an article about a study seldom does justice to the actual study. The study is behind a paywall, so I'm not going to read it, but there are a bunch of hits on google scholar about marriage, divorce, and happiness. I might have to do some reading this evening! I'll let you all know what I find.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't know what the percentages might be. I know I was pretty miserable for at least 2-3 years and the last few months have been pretty great. It was really strange. I hadn't changed a thing, just the same 'ol me. Wife had zero sex drive and was just sullen and pissy all the time..and I mean for years. I got her a Kindle cause she wanted to read to help her sleep. She started reading these trashy romance novels and now she's jumping my bones all the time and behaving like she wants to be married. Glad I toughed out the dry spell. I'm sure there will be some different kind of drama down the road...there always is, but unless she kills me, I've been through worse. If she does kill me, she'll only do it once.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I don't know what the percentages might be. I know I was pretty miserable for at least 2-3 years and the last few months have been pretty great. It was really strange. I hadn't changed a thing, just the same 'ol me. Wife had zero sex drive and was just sullen and pissy all the time..and I mean for years. I got her a Kindle cause she wanted to read to help her sleep. She started reading these trashy romance novels and now she's jumping my bones all the time and behaving like she wants to be married. Glad I toughed out the dry spell. I'm sure there will be some different kind of drama down the road...there always is, but unless she kills me, I've been through worse. *If she does kill me, she'll only do it once*.


That might be the most positive statement I've heard in a while. Then again I post mostly on CWI so.....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Maybe my brain doesn't work right but I'm trying to grasp 5 years from when? Unhappy marriage doesn't happen in one day sooooo..I have read that you can be in an unhappy marriage for a LONG time and after kids leave some couples reignite the flame and into the 30+ year time frame of marriage can have honeymoon like renewals.I know that happened with my mother and father..I swear they NEVER got a long.Well they got along in between trying to what seemed like kill each other and I had heard the word "divorce" 1,0000 time by the time I was 12 even though they never got one.Suddenly in their late 50's early 60's my mother started calling my dad her "lover boy" (in FRONT of people) and he was giving her backrubs (in front of people) and they look at each other with this wink and smirk thing(the we know something no one else does look) ...twinkle in the eye.Me and my siblings are like what the hell? Are they smoking pot???


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