# He disrespects me, what to do?



## alisha (Jan 7, 2011)

I feel my fiance constantly disrespects me. At the beginning of our relationship he began talking innappropriately about his ex's. I was upfront and asked him to stop and expressed how it hurt me, he apologized and it seemed like he understood. However it became a repeative issue in our relationship to the point where we broke up because of the betrayal I felt and that he had gave his ex's power in our relationship. We got back together after attempting to work it out. He has not talked innappropriately since, however the feelings on my end are still present and unresolved. Recently he started saying the word "retarded" very freqently. I work with individuals who have developmental disabilities an find this completely offensive, which he knows. When I talk to him he apologizes and seems to understand. However it has become a daily conversation. This to me seems like a repeatition of behaviours from before just with a different context and it brings up many unresolved feelings. I love him and its very easy to dwell on the negatives of our relationship, but the truth is I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to. I am now very confused and unsure what my next move should be!?


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## mtg2 (Jan 6, 2011)

Hi. My advice is to tread carefully and weigh what your head (more than you heart) is telling you. He is not honoring you by his behavior. It is a repetitive problem. He apologizes but does not change. Sorry is more than a word. It is an action. 

I married a man 16 years ago who behaved this way. We are still married and it has been, and is, a painful and lonely road. Honor and respect are qualities that you should not have to fight for, demand, argue about when real love exists. They are your right. You are worthy. He is most likely lacking some self esteem. Maybe has the need to hurt you, bring you down to boost himself, to maintain the power in the relationship, the control, or sadly, to feel 'like a man'. I doubt it is a conscious behavior. You love him and so good exists. But trust me when I tell you that real love is putting another before yourself. It is having the desire to willingly meet another's needs, with honor, kindness and respect.

People rarely change. Do not enter a marriage expecting/hoping he will change or things will be different. Problems that exist before marriage are typically only exacerbated in marriage. I know this may be hurtful to hear, I'm sorry. But your brief story made me sad. Looking back, I knew. I knew, but I followed my heart - and that is not enough. The heart and head need to be unified for things to work. It is only about 15 inches. It can just feel like so much more. 

I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

:iagree: I went into my marriage not being respected, and it never changed. A person would have to look in the mirror and REALLY not like what they see in order to facilitate any change. There is usually an incident that is a catalyst for that change, but not very often is the partner that catalyst. 

I have a problem with the "retarted" word also. My SO's uncle has Downs, and he's a lot smarter than some people I've met who are so-called "normal". My kids had a bad habit of saying this word (much to my consternation) and I talked them into wearing a rubber band on their wrist and snapping it each time they said the word. It took some time, but it actually worked. They WANTED to stop saying the word, though. 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. But if you don't like what he's doing now, it's not too likely you're going to like it in 10 years. What you see is what you get.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He's insensitive. He may get a thrill out of pushing your buttons.
Your next move should be, not to marry this guy.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Fiance would change to a friend to forget quickly! This is a glimpse of what your entire future with him will be. Do you want to settle with this? Is this what you consider mutual love and respect in a marriage?

Unless you want to love and accept him for all his faults and not try to change him your fiance could your husband. It is really your choice in what you want in your life. Best Wishes!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My advice to you is, to think more highly of yourself than to continue to be with someone disrespects you. Chances are if you stay with him, he will NOT change. He is showing you right now who he is, so believe him.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'm going to start a different thread. . ."Disrespect or Do You Take Yourself Too Seriously, Ladies?"

I'm not sure with women what goes on sometimes with the whole respect issue.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Scanner,

It's a really good argument for individual therapy.

It helps you limit the "respect" zone to key areas.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am going to differ from some of the other posters. Lighten up on the retarded thing. He is not "disrespecting" you. Not everything is about you, and you don't have the right to expect any mild behavior you don't like to change at your command. He is using an unfortunate but common enough slang. If it is a drop dead issue for you, start learning about effective limit setting.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Him talking about his ex's alot I can see why that might bother you. He is probably doing it to get a rise out of you, maybe his ego needs pumping up, which probs shows insecurity on his part, and yeah sometimes people need to think before they speak or just keep their mouths shut. However, as far as him saying the word "retarded" well thats probably more along the lines of him just being rude.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

alisha,

You need to consider very seriously whether you should marry this person or not.

If he's disrespecting you now - prior to marriage - the issue will only get worse after you are married. Marriage is difficult enough without knowingly starting out with a major problem such as disrespect and not honoring boundaries.

You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve happiness. Please consider that this man may not be the right one for you.

Ignore the responses where people are "explaining away" his actions or telling you that the things which bother you & which you have shared with him are not a big deal. 

Regardless of whether it's a word you are not comfortable with or a behavior he does - he KNOWS you don't like these things because you have shared those feelings with him yet he violates that.

*Think about what that means for a marriage.*

We each have hot buttons - things which we don't want in our lives. In your case, you work with individuals who have special needs. I am a stranger to you and I KNOW full well that using the word "retarded" in your presence would likely make you uncomfortable or even angry. Out of respect, I would stay away from that word as I interact with you. This is a basic courtesy / respect issue. Think about why this man would choose to do the opposite. This is an important concept for you to understand before you marry. Please consider it carefully.

We all have to compromise to be associates, friends, lovers, or have any sort of relationship with other people. Family members have to compromise to be together too. There's give and take with all kinds of relationships. Blatant disrespect & disregard is a serious matter for all relationships - especially married couples. 

What does a marriage with this sort of dynamic look like?

A spouse asks the other spouse to stop a behavior because of the pain or discomfort it causes - _and they will not stop_. You can see that brand of pain all across this and any other marriage forum.

Do not sign up for it and do NOT lighten up about it. This man is repeatedly violating your boundaries.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Alisha,

Disrespecting his ex's and using the word retard is not a good start to any long term relationship. This is just my story, my husband used the word retard, and then it was used on me. He would constantly belittle me. At first I though it was childish and immature, but eventually it started to erode me. My husband was abusive towards me.

I know your story is not the same. But you should find out about his ex's if he is disrespecting them - talk to them, and definitely set your boundaries with the word retard. I would not wish anyone to be in an abusive relationship.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Calling people "retards" just isn't very nice.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I totally agree, Conrad. But can one really deny that that is a significant part of unfortunate popular slang?


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I'm going to start a different thread. . ."Disrespect or Do You Take Yourself Too Seriously, Ladies?"
> 
> I'm not sure with women what goes on sometimes with the whole respect issue.


The point is not whether or not you think someone 'can't take a joke' or takes themselves 'too seriously'. The MINUTE the person you love the most in the world tells you that something you said or did makes them uncomfortable, you cut it out. This smirkingly glib comment of yours borders on sexist. It's not about 'ladies' and your confusion about how they perceive things, it's about being a good partner and a decent human being. To be a boarish oaf and think "Well, I'm just gonna say whatever the hell I like, everyone else be damned" is arrogant, won't get you anywhere in life and is just plain - NOT NICE.

Alisha, my ex constantly disrespected me and in the end became verbally abusive. I didn't tolerate it. If you are going to marry this man, start as you mean to go on. Show him the disrespect he gives you will not be tolerated or it is likely he will continue to push the boundaries and see what else you'll put up with.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> What does a marriage with this sort of dynamic look like?
> 
> A spouse asks the other spouse to stop a behavior because of the pain or discomfort it causes - _and they will not stop_. You can see that brand of pain all across this and any other marriage forum.
> 
> Do not sign up for it and do NOT lighten up about it. This man is repeatedly violating your boundaries.


:iagree: Preach!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

loren said:


> The point is not whether or not you think someone 'can't take a joke' or takes themselves 'too seriously'. The MINUTE the person you love the most in the world tells you that something you said or did makes them uncomfortable, you cut it out.


That would be nice. But in real life, that attitude and a five spot will get you a Starbucks. 

Here is why I think this is the case, at least from my experience and that of some folks I know from former groups...

When you get married, you come together with a set of what are basically assumptions. For instance the OP assumes that name calling is disrespectful. Her PoV is not WRONG. By no means.

But her DH comes with assumptions too. Perhaps his assumption is that he does not want to have to watch every word that comes out of his mouth so as not to be accused of disrespect. (I have to speculate since he is not here posting.) 

So she asks him to stop saying a name because it disrepects her. First that risks engendering a certain negative feeling in the direction of resentment as he is basically being accused of doing something that he did not feel he did, disrepect her. Also if you are anything like me, changing the verbal habits of a lifetime are more hard than other habits since they seem 90% precocious. 

For one such request, the requested will likely try their best and not worry too much. 

But if these requests come and come and come and come, then the feeling toward resentment is going to become resentment. Why did she marry me if I everything I say or do is wrong. (That even strikes me as a reasonable question.) 

The couple will soon find themselves embroiled in a right fight.

So the seemingly disrespected has a CHOICE. She can use nagging and whining which is what repeated requests sounds like to most men. When phrased as nagging, I think we all see this is not the best route. 

She can chose to use effective limit setting. But if over applied, this has risks as well. Limit setting should be used only for big non-negotiable items, in my opinion. Using them too much has the same effect of building resentment if over used. Doing this does not deal with the possible effect of causing the requested to wonder why she chose HIM If everything he does is wrong.

Or she can chose to lighten up and remember why she DID chose to love him and learn to let the small stuff go. (Now if the OP decides that the retard thing IS a big deal and is the entirety of the "disrespect" then I WOULD suggest effective limit setting if it is a non-negotiable personal boundary. But I get the sense that the "disrespect" is more than that.) 

In my opinion, learning to remember why we love and married the other and learning to let the little stuff go is a HUGE final step in growing up. I credit that little lesson someone imparted to me as MORE important than personal boundaries and love language lessons combined to the power of 10! By cherishing the other for what they ARE, we engender in them a reciprocation that is


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> What does a marriage with this sort of dynamic look like?
> 
> A spouse asks the other spouse to stop a behavior because of the pain or discomfort it causes - _and they will not stop_. You can see that brand of pain all across this and any other marriage forum.
> 
> Do not sign up for it and do NOT lighten up about it. This man is repeatedly violating your boundaries.


Well I can't speak for her boundaries. Obviously I don't regard using a slang word as a Big Deal. She does. She could use limit setting now or get out...

But I can answer this question.

When the wife, oh can you say ME 15 years ago??, has a set of expectations of what is RIGHT. Everything is about MAKING the life and marriage the way she sees as right. And things that he does are all about her and the marriage. He makes crass jokes, it disrespects her. He leaves his socks on the floor. It disrespects her. He goes to spend time in the wood shop. He isn't spending time with her. 

What do you suppose that guy does? Does he feel motivated to remake himself in her image? I can tell you what happens if he does. He becomes the Nice Guy you see on this forum all the time. Wife winds up disrespecting HIM for having no NUTS. (And this goes the other way as well if the man is the demanding one. He winds up disrespecting her after he has been controlling even to the point sometimes of verbal or physical abuse.)

I think it makes sense, before trying to set a limit or change a behavior, to ask yourself has this person always been like that? If I could FALL in love with him with that behavior, if it did not constitute disrespect then, why does it now?

My husband had always told crass jokes. When I decided that it constituted disrespect toward me, I was basically asking him to change who he had always been. I know I can see how that would make him feel devalued, unloved and disrespected.

Different PoV to chew on.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Limit setting should be used only for big non-negotiable items


Yes but surely only YOU can set YOUR own 'non-negotiable items'. Maybe you (and her fiance) may not think it's a big deal personally, but clearly this a big enough deal for her to seek the advice of strangers, so he probably knows it's a big deal for her, and ignoring that is not only selfish, it's spiteful. Maybe I'm being idealistic (sippin my Starbucks etc...) and having unreal expectations of the general decency you show around loved ones, but that's how it feels when someone keeps dismissing your feelings.

Using myself as an example, I have lots of gay friends who use the word '***' like it's nothing. I used it, jokingly, with another gay friend who does not hang in that same circle and he took me aside and said in all seriousness that he finds the word offensive. I apologised and never used the word around him again. Unlike you, I don't think it takes a huge effort of rigorous reprogramming to cut one word out of my vocabulary, in order to be nice to a loved one, but hey, maybe that's just me.

I never feel I'm watching my back or stepping on eggshells around him, because that word was never a huge part of my life and I can compromise on my usage of it without feeling I'm missing much because he means more to me. Big deal to me? No. Big deal to him? Sure. And I respect that.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> In my opinion, learning to remember why we love and married the other and learning to let the little stuff go is a HUGE final step in growing up. I credit that little lesson someone imparted to me as MORE important than personal boundaries and love language lessons combined to the power of 10! By cherishing the other for what they ARE, we engender in them a reciprocation that is


I agree on this point. Nobody's perfect. But the OP has already mentioned there are other instances of disrespect and the slang is just part of the issue. Seeing only the good in someone who does not respect you quickly turns into a fools errand. And is she not entitled to her own quirks and imperfections too? Maybe sensitivity about slang is one of hers. A relationship involves some level of compromise from both parties. And what will he lose by dropping the word? One vulgarity in exchange for his fiancee's peace of mind. Silly to hang on to it really.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

loren said:


> Yes but surely only YOU can set YOUR own 'non-negotiable items'. Maybe you (and her fiance) may not think it's a big deal personally, but clearly this a big enough deal for her to seek the advice of strangers, so he probably knows it's a big deal for her, and ignoring that is not only selfish, it's spiteful.


I think BOTH of us, you and I, are making assumptions. I am reacting to the common catchy "disrespect" word which can be a catch phrase for I want to change him and am nagging. You are assuming that this is a Big Deal for her. Neither of us really know which.

I am also using my own uptighometer. I guess *I* think it is pretty uptight to take a slang term super personally. I don't really have the right to place that judgment on her. But I guess I do think that it is uptight. And if I were her DH, I would not think that particularly disrespectful and would resist that change. So perhaps my different point of view might be useful tot he OP.

I don't agree with the basic premise that if a spouse says abc is "hurtful" that the other spouse ought to yes dear. I often think hurtful and disrespect are key words for I am insecure.

But that is me.





> Maybe I'm being idealistic (sippin my Starbucks etc...) and having unreal expectations of the general decency you show around loved ones, but that's how it feels when someone keeps dismissing your feelings.


Well... I guess that is true. There are two side to every story. But i guess I would not choose to marry someone whose habits I found offensive. I don't understand marrying someone then deciding that they need to change. Why not marry someone you like the way they are?



> Using myself as an example, I have lots of gay friends who use the word '***' like it's nothing. I used it, jokingly, with another gay friend who does not hang in that same circle and he took me aside and said in all seriousness that he finds the word offensive.


I would do the same. But that is not your spouse.You did not choose to marry this person. And that name refers specifically to HIM.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I would not choose to marry someone whose habits I found offensive. I don't understand marrying someone then deciding that they need to change. Why not marry someone you like the way they are?


We are in agreement for the most part. Except, I don't think you have to be insecure to dislike a vulgarity, whether it pertains to you or not. I did not put up with dismissive and abusive behaviours from my boyfriend and he is now my ex. So, in line with your thinking, I did not choose to marry him due to the fact that I found his habits hurtful and offensive. The OP is not yet married, and myself and some other posters here have suggested she think about whether these are traits she wants in a partner before tying the knot. None of us are saying 'nag until you get your way' but setting boundaries is healthy in a relationship. You have mentioned boundary setting in your answers too, so I think that is the best advice we can offer her, whichever side of the 'disrespect' fence we're on.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

loren said:


> We are in agreement for the most part. Except, I don't think you have to be insecure to dislike a vulgarity, whether it pertains to you or not.


No you don't. But it is inadvisable to hook up with someone who uses it. I don't think we have the right to attempt to change people's behavior.

And right or not right, you wind up with a choice. Is this a battle that is important enough to pick? 



> I did not put up with dismissive and abusive behaviours from my boyfriend and he is now my ex.


Good. Why would you want to put up with abuse? But that said, the word abuse is tossed about like I love you. Referring to people by a name is not abuse. 



> So, in line with your thinking, I did not choose to marry him due to the fact that I found his habits hurtful and offensive. The OP is not yet married, and myself and some other posters here have suggested she think about whether these are traits she wants in a partner before tying the knot.


Indeed. Then she should work on lightening up! 



> None of us are saying 'nag until you get your way' but setting boundaries is healthy in a relationship. You have mentioned boundary setting in your answers too, so I think that is the best advice we can offer her, whichever side of the 'disrespect' fence we're on.


I don't! Oh well.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Good. Why would you want to put up with abuse? But that said, the word abuse is tossed about like I love you. Referring to people by a name is not abuse.


It was not name calling, it was unprovoked character assasination and passive agressive silent treatment. I had never thoguht of the word abuse until I looked up what he had done to me and then it was almost a dictionary perfect definition. I guess that's the crux of the issue... unless it's happening to you, you can say 'lighten up' all you want, but on the receiving end, it's a different matter. As for the right to change someone's behaviour, you are right, and that is also a fool's errand. But love makes us do (attempt) stupid things.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

loren said:


> It was not name calling, it was unprovoked character assasination and passive agressive silent treatment. I had never thoguht of the word abuse until I looked up what he had done to me and then it was almost a dictionary perfect definition.


I don't doubt it. I doubt that what the OP describes is abuse. I think there is really only one solution to dealing with abusers. Drop kick 'em.



> I guess that's the crux of the issue... unless it's happening to you, you can say 'lighten up' all you want, but on the receiving end, it's a different matter.


Do you think using the word "retard" constitutes verbal abuse? 

I have been there from the other side. I have seen it a zillion times. I DID it. It's all about MEEEEE. Every time he turns around he is disrespecting me. Horse pucky. Get over ourselves already.




> As for the right to change someone's behaviour, you are right, and that is also a fool's errand. But love makes us do (attempt) stupid things.


Yah, like get our knickers in a twist over things that aren't even disrespect in the minds eye of the guy doing it. If he doesn't MEAN disrespect, it isn't disrespect. When someone is verbally abusing you, they mean disrespect.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Do you think using the word "retard" constitutes verbal abuse?


Was not directed at her so no.



vthomeschoolmom said:


> If he doesn't MEAN disrespect, it isn't disrespect.


If he knows it upsets you and persists, it is disrespect.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

loren said:


> If he knows it upsets you and persists, it is disrespect.


Well you and I have the right to disagree! I am thankful that someone gave me the advice to lighten up.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I totally agree, Conrad. But can one really deny that that is a significant part of unfortunate popular slang?


I can't recall the last time I used that word or heard it spoken aloud.

This is a red herring.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> That would be nice. But in real life, that attitude and a five spot will get you a Starbucks.
> 
> Here is why I think this is the case, at least from my experience and that of some folks I know from former groups...
> 
> ...


She shouldn't marry him AT ALL.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

"If he knows it upsets you and persists, it is disrespect".


BINGO! :iagree:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

loren said:


> If he knows it upsets you and persists, it is disrespect.


So if I tell my husband it upsets me that he wears a red shirt, and her persists in wearing a red shirt, that is disrespect? Absurd example intended.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

loren said:


> Was not directed at her so no.
> 
> 
> 
> If he knows it upsets you and persists, it is disrespect.


Some people say "retard" in the same way other people say "idiot".

Why one of those terms is deemed offensive by more people than the other term is arbitrary. 

If I were to use this phrase in conversation it seems less offensive:

"That's idiotic!"

than

"That's retarded!"

Perspective on what is offensive is subjective. And a lifelong pattern of using particular phrases becomes automatic and difficult to change even if someone wants to change it.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> So if I tell my husband it upsets me that he wears a red shirt, and her persists in wearing a red shirt, that is disrespect? Absurd example intended.


You're comparing a reasonable request with an unreasonable one. It's not unreasonable not to want a vulgarity around you, particularly if you're thinking of raising children in a house with the person using it. The OP probably doesn't want a bunch of little "retards" running around shouting "retarded" all over town. It's not unreasonable to want your stb spouse to respect your feelings instead of ignoring them. You're suggesting (with your red shirt analogy) that she's being way out of line by getting upset over "nothing". Yes it is a banal, but still relatively reasonable, request. Consider that people have moved miles, and switched faiths and donated kidneys for the person they love - this guy can't give up the word 'Retarded'?!...The guy has obviously disrespected her in the past (with the ex issue) and continues to do so. It's all well and good to say that if she loves him, maybe she needs to lighten up. But surely, if he loves her, he needs to lighten up on the trash talk too? Relationships run both ways.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> Some people say "retard" in the same way other people say "idiot".


I agree what is offensive is subjective, which I explained with my own personal example earlier in this thread. I am not debating whether or not that word is offensive (I don't use it myself but don't balk in the rare instance someone else might). My opinion is that it's what you do once you realise you're offending a loved one that counts.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

OP you have a right to expect reasonable accommodation from a mature and secure man who loves you. I'll bet the people who are posting scolding remarks would not let their spouses ignore thier request. . In my opinion this has nothing to do with whether or not your request of your partner to stop doing thins that you find disturbing is reasonable or not. Nor is it about trying to control your partner, those arguments are pedestrian but common. Marriage is the closest relationship you have in your adult life, why should you not expect your partner to treat you with consideration.

We all make adjustments in our behavior every day for strangers, people we meet casually, why, to grease the wheals of cooperative living in a community. Can we not expect that of our partner? . Although I agree in principal that you should not attempt to censure others, freedom of speech blah blah that close association carries special social dictates. One is to attempt to look after the comfort of your spouse to the degree that is reasonable. My husband is a very dominant man but, however, if I make a request he honors me by not saying things that bother me, I can't tell him what to do but I can ask. . 

Honoring a simple request not to use terms offensive to the spouse is so easy to do in keeping with that goal. The endless debate is spurious and nothing to do with the case. After many years at close quarters, you will find that It's the little things that make or break a relationship, offensive speech, careless hygiene, sloppiness, careless appearance, leaving the seat up, leaving dirty clothing around the house. All little silly things right? They add up and when there are too many annoyences, there is conflict and resentment and emotional distance. If your spouse horour a request to avoid the little things that annoy you, within reason, then why not whats the big deal. I don't engage my brain in the service of logic or principals when I deal with my husband, his feelings and comfort iare very important to me some things he ask me does not always make sense to me but, I do it it because it means something to him. 

Your fiancé sounds immature and insecure as a man. He also pushes your buttons. His resistance to you is a portent of things to come. If he treats you this way now when you can easily walk away just imagine how he will treat you once you have children. It will be even worse, he is too sure of you and you are too attentive to him, that's the worst think you can do with a man, let him think that you love him so much that he can treat you badly and you will not leave. 

Every man knows that is a no no and when they do it they are telling you something not so good. He may be testing you to make sure you are insecure enough to be trampled upon. He may be the kind of man does not want a secure women he picks a women that he is sure will not make any demands of him and not leave him no matter how offensive. I don't know if I am right but think about it. 

Save yourself the misery of life with a man like this. Look into yourself and ask what has made so compliant that you think you have no right to be treated well. Why did you get engaged? Read some of the post from women who married men even though there were obvious red flags. 3 kids and 15 years latter they are full of regret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> OP you have a right to expect reasonable accommodation from a mature and secure man who loves you. I'll bet the people who are posting scolding remarks would not let their spouses ignore thier request. . In my opinion this has nothing to do with whether or not your request of your partner to stop doing thins that you find disturbing is reasonable or not. Nor is it about trying to control your partner, those arguments are pedestrian but common. Marriage is the closest relationship you have in your adult life, why should you not expect your partner to treat you with consideration.
> 
> We all make adjustments in our behavior every day for strangers, people we meet casually, why, to grease the wheals of cooperative living in a community. Can we not expect that of our partner? . Although I agree in principal that you should not attempt to censure others, freedom of speech blah blah that close association carries special social dictates. One is to attempt to look after the comfort of your spouse to the degree that is reasonable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Precisely



Catherine602 said:


> Your fiancé sounds immature and insecure as a man. He also pushes your buttons. His resistance to you is a portent of things to come. If he treats you this way now when you can easily walk away just imagine how he will treat you once you have children. It will be even worse, he is too sure of you and you are too attentive to him, that's the worst think you can do with a man, let him think that you love him so much that he can treat you badly and you will not leave.
> 
> Every man knows that is a no no and when they do it they are telling you something not so good. He may be testing you to make sure you are insecure enough to be trampled upon. He may be the kind of man does not want a secure women he picks a women that he is sure will not make any demands of him and not leave him no matter how offensive. I don't know if I am right but think about it.


I picked up on this too, which is what reminded me of my ex who pushed his disrespect to an extreme and became emotionally abusive. This is the main reason I have been debating, as pushing these red flags aside as "oversensitivity" can be detrimental in the long run. I agree however, that debating is not all that helpful here so I'm signing off. Hopefully the OP can take the advice given from those who have been through something similar, and realise she is not alone in her thinking.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

loren said:


> You're comparing a reasonable request with an unreasonable one.


This is a very good illustration of my point about right fighting. Why is HER interpretation of reasonable more important than his? This is the crux of every marital right fight that there has ever been. Why does she have more right to be sensitive about a word than he has the right to express himself as he sees fit? 

She has a right to decide to be easily offended. I submit that it would be in *her best interest*, in whatever relationship she chooses, this or another, to be less sensitive, to allow for the difference of opinion on simple matters and fight the Big Stuff with limits. 

This was one of the best pieces of marital advice I have ever received. I attempt to pass it on.


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