# In-Laws Taking "Obligation to Family" Too Far?



## purplehaze2 (May 1, 2012)

My in-laws have very collective-based value systems, and I come from the same value system culturally as well, but I feel they take it too far. 
My sister-in-law is a doctor and her husband (a lawyer) have a toddler. Because they feel doctors and lawyers work so hard (and they do) and make more money, her family has decided they will help her raise her children, but they bend over backwards to do so. My husband -- her brother-- is a teacher so his summers are "free." They expect him to babysit his niece all summer for free. Since his sister lives about an hour and half away, it would require him to either live at her place all summer (thus I wouldn't see him at all except on visits) or that he commutes. 
They expect him to do this, without any regard to my feelings as his wife. My husband and I don't have kids, but we feel it would better suit our needs that he take a part-time job over the summer because we could use the extra income. 
I should note that his family gave us money for our wedding as a "wedding gift" and use it as a reason that we are indebted to them. We have dropped everything whenever they needed us, but it's never enough. We don't mind babysitting once and awhile, but an entire summer? And once my husband puts his foot down to say this is too much to ask of him, they say we are being ungrateful.
But our plans together don't matter. I was never consulted or asked about my thoughts on the matter. In fact, they say I should stay out of the discussion because it doesn't concern me.
We don't have a problem helping when his family needs it, but when it interferes with my husband's ability to provide for his own family (right now, his wife), then it becomes a problem. We're trying to save enough money so that we can have our own family someday. We're getting up there in age, so time is important for us. 
My husband's family encouraged us not have any children because we wouldn't have any help from them, and his sister's children would take priority over ours. It's not that we expected their help, just the fact they don't even want to bother with our kids, and there's a greater value placed on my sister-in-law's needs and children, makes me upset.
My husband and I struggle with feelings of being disregarded, undervalued and disrespected.
My in-laws don't see why we're upset. Everyone in that family says we're selfish and ungrateful. 
I'm trying to see it from their point of view, and when I do, I just feel so low and insignificant. Any words of advice?


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## sohereiam (Jan 19, 2012)

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, and I can only imagine that it sucks. I wouldn't let my inlaws comment about whether or not me and my husband have children. It is not their place nor their decision. Have you ever tried to approach the situation in a different manner? Maybe intervention style? You and your husband write out your concerns and your opinions, sit them down and read them to them. Let them know that while you do appreciate their input, it is unwanted and will not affect something that is ultimately you and your husbands decision. Do no feel insignifigant, you are not. If at the end of your letters they still act the way as before, let them know that there will be limited contact until things can.change on their part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

They don`t seem to have a point of view.
They have a need and demand you fill it.

This type of crap is why I haven`t seen or spoken to my "blood" family in nearly a decade.

My life is so much better without those fools floundering around in it.

Tell them to piss off.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok. Let me try and be gentle here....
GROW UP!
You and your spouse ARE your family. You need to do what is right for you. PERIOD! There is no discussion, no intervention. Your husband states simply and clearly that he is not able to babysit his niece or nephew for the summer. That he will be working. If they say he is being ungrateful, his response should be " I'm sorry you feel that way. My wife and I don't agree. If you persists in making us feel unwelcome in the family we will have to curtail our interactions with you. My immediate family must be my primary concern." 

Don't be bullied. You both need to work and pay off any remaining debt to these overly pushy in laws and be self-sufficient adults


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

purplehaze2 said:


> They expect him to do this, without any regard to my feelings as his wife.


They're a doctor and a lawyer. Tell them to go f*** themselves. If their cocaine habits are so bad that they can't afford daycare with their combined income then they shouldn't be having kids in the first place. 




> My husband's family encouraged us not have any children because we wouldn't have any help from them, and his sister's children would take priority over ours. It's not that we expected their help, just the fact they don't even want to bother with our kids, and there's a greater value placed on my sister-in-law's needs and children, makes me upset.


Sounds like this is about money. They want to suck up to someone who has money. Are they in financial trouble that you know of?





> My in-laws don't see why we're upset. Everyone in that family says we're selfish and ungrateful.


Assuming you and the husband want to have kids, have kids then "180" these jerk relatives. Intentionally not invite them to things that involve the kids.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't rationalize it that you want your husband to work for the money.
Rationalize it because he is is your husband and in your world, husband's and wives live together and spend time together. This is not that complicated. All he has to do is say "It will not be possible for me to babysit"... If they say anything, he can repeat, "It will not be possible for me to babysit". If you lose the approval of these toxic ungrateful people, then your life will probably be better for it.


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## purplehaze2 (May 1, 2012)

Oh, I should also note that they didn't actually "loan" us the money for our wedding. They said it was a wedding gift and never said they expected us to pay it back.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

There are some simple steps that you and hubby can take to address this situation. You will both need to pull up you 'big boy' and 'big girl' pants and put your collective foot down.

Sit down with your husband and make sure you are ENTIRELY on the same page. The discussion should cover the following points:


> they say I should stay out of the discussion because it doesn't concern me.


1. This is true, but NOT for the reason your in-laws think. Your H should speak with his parents about your (as a couple) concerns just as YOU should speak to your parents about your (as a couple) concerns. If YOU get involved, your in-laws will see YOU as the problem! You are the harpy, bossy wife keeping your husband from doing what he 'should.' It will never occur to them that he now has different loyalties, different obligations (namely, to YOU.) *HE needs to make THIS clear to them*. Where he was available to be at their beck-and-call BEFORE, NOW he needs to be available for YOU. [IF they're religious, have your H remind them that the Bible commands a man to 'leave his parents and cleave unto his wife'...if they're not religious, just skip it.]


> I should note that his family has loaned us money for our wedding and use it as a reason that we are indebted to them.





> They expect him to babysit his niece all summer for free.


2. Mom and Dad, I will not be able to babysit (niece) this summer. (Wife) and I have agreed that I need to obtain paying employment this summer. Your husband needs to CLEAR UP with his parents the issue of the money for the wedding. IF the money was a GIFT, they need to quit bringing it up. Your husband should say, "Thank you for the gift. It was very generous." If the money is now a 'debt', then he should say, "We are working diligently to repay the money you loaned us for the wedding. I'm sure you would agree that it is important for ADULTS to live financially-independently as soon as possible. We are working toward that goal. We would also like to save money to start a family of our own. (Wife) and I would like to have our own children.


> My husband's family encouraged us not have any children because we wouldn't have any help from them, and his sister's children would take priority over ours.


 IF your in-laws bring THIS up again, your husband can very calmly say, "That is certainly YOUR choice; I'm sure you'll do what you feel is best. However, (Wife) and I will be making OUR children OUR top priority, as any loving parents should."


> And once my husband puts his foot down to say this is too much to ask of him, they say we are being ungrateful.


3. If they play the 'ungrateful' card, your husband MUST stand up to them and tell them that you both ARE VERY grateful, and will re-pay the money as soon as possible. But, that owing them money entitles them to the repayment of the money as expeditiously as possible. It does NOT entitle them to tell you how to run your lives. Figuring out YOUR marriage and family situation is YOUR business just as his parents' marriage is THEIR business and his sister's marriage is HER business.


> My husband and I struggle with feelings of being disregarded, undervalued and disrespected.


 As Eleanor Roosevelt stated, "No-one can make you feel inferior without YOUR consent." Are you two being manipulated? YES. Are you two being disrespected? YES. Is anything going to change with his parents? Maybe, but only if THEY see the value of change. If you and your husband stand tall on your own, make your OWN decisions, get out from under their financial thumb...they might treat you differently (ie, with respect.) IF they don't, then that is THEIR loss. If you know in your hearts that you are making great efforts to be responsible adults, then what you in-laws think, will matter LESS to you both. If they won't be respectful, see less of them...less time at their home, fewer visits. If they drop contact with you, your husband, and your future children, then THAT is THEIR loss.


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