# Sex became boring?



## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

Hello All. My first post on this board. So here goes...

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 2 children and I'm in the military. We have had what I would call a pretty solid marriage so far ...except for the sex. 

When we first got married the sex was great and had stayed that way for years. We would have no problem with arousal or climaxing. I really noticed a decline in our sex life back in 2008 and on. We we're a 2-3 times a week on avg and went to like once every few weeks. I even did a log for a good chunk of 2011 where it showed we we're only doing it like once a month. It was a lot of I'm not feeling well or I'm too tired..and she was never initiating. It even got to the point where I was feeling like when we did do it she was merely just meeting the quota.

In 2011-2012, we went to marriage counseling. In the counseling she was saying maybe it's just an issue with her libido and the counselor made some recommendations. Roleplaying getaway resorts...communication techniques. We tried them and they seemed to help some.

Now before I go any further I'm gonna rewind a little bit because this is going to tie everything in. Back in 2009 I was slated for a deployment. This was after I was aware of the decline in out sex life and I was actually really depressed about it. I had posted some pics ( not nude) of myself on one of those Rate me websites because one of the things I was depressed about is that I really started to question if I was the problem...maybe I wasn't attractive anymore or something. My wife found the pics on my pc and asked me what they we're for. I didn't beat around the bush and told her what was going on. When she asked me why I did it I told her that it made me feel good to know that people find me attractive. Which it did...Later on that night after the kids we're in bed, she came downstairs getting ready to leave for work. She and I started talking and she proposed that maybe we should reinvent ourselves. Go to the gym...get ripped and when I got back She said maybe we should take a sexy get away to vegas and go to a stripe club. She even mentioned us inviting a third party to come play so to speak. We started researching online and when it was getting close to her to go to work..she pulled me over to the couch and said she was so horny and we did a very hot quickie on the couch...she was literally dripping wet. I haven't seen that kind of arousal in her since in our early years of marriage....This will ultimately lead to what is my fear right now.


When I got back from that deployment there wasn't much talk about those things we had talked about before I was gone and when our sex life resumed it's dullness. I have brought up that night to her and mentioned how aroused she was and mentioned how great it would be if we could figure out a way to tap into that energy. She just shys away and says she doesn't remember what exactly about got her so aroused. 

I recently had a dream about the counseling and the rewind event I mentioned above. I have my doubts about her not remembering what turned her on...I don't think that's something that you just forget about. The only thing I can think of is that this is something that turns her on but she sees it as a dangerous Pandora's box and it scares her but at the same time she knows it excites her. 

This puts me in as terrible situation. I love my wife more than anything and I want her to have the most fulfilled sex life possible for her. It tears me apart because I feel like the only way she can reach that level of excitement now is with stuff that is new and exciting. It also would mean that she never really lost her limbido..it went dormant through sex with me. I too am weary about opening a pandoras box that could potentially destroy us as a couple. It kills me that the truth could be that I'm not enough anymore to bring her to that level of arousal.

I don't know why it's taken me this long to piece this together but It's tearing me up. I'm currently deployed and won't be home for a few months. This isn't a typical skype conversation one you would want to do face to face...I don't know If I can keep this in for a few months though....thoughts?

Thanks for hearing me out.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Here's a couple of thoughts I had reading your story. 

1) Generally speaking women are going to be a bit sexually repressed. It's driven into us from the time we are very small. Virginity is treasured, there are names for women who sleep around. There are names for women who are overtly sexual. There is a huge double standard when it comes to sex and women and men. 

Not only that, but there's an issue with mothers being sexual beings. Moms sacrifice all for their kids, moms are wholesome. Moms set an example. That can all mean that moms lose their sense of the sexual beings they once were. 

2) Fantasy can be a really powerful aphrodisiac. I am not sure if you are suggesting your wife is only going to get turned on doing the things you guys were talking about that one night. I don't think that is the case. I think women can find the forbidden very arousing. 

I found this out myself when I dared to go to a strip club. I became highly aroused by the sexual nature of what was going on. It was a forbidden thing for me to be in there (literally, it was against the law at that time in that state for women to go in the strip club unless they were applying for a job which I said I was.) The women there were also doing something I saw as forbidden. I didn't want to be with a woman or a stripper or be a stripper. It was the forbidden nature that was arousing. I think this is what happened to your wife the night in question.

3) You say you want her to have the best sex life possible. I imagine if you ask her she would say she likes her sex life and it's fine with her. I imagine she would say she isn't interested in more than that.

4) I think it's YOU who is not having the best sex life possible and YOU want that (who wouldn't) and YOU don't know how to get it out of her. It's not a problem she sees in herself or you. 

5) Basically this is the common plight of the posters on this board. Wanting more than you are getting and the depressing nature of knowing you can't get it from the unwilling.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As I read your post and got to the part about the discussion and the hot quickie, I immediately thought that it was a convergence of events and not the one topic you two had discussed.

If you can remember, did that discussion take place just after her period ended? Perhaps less than a few days? Women are typically at their peak in sexual arousal just after their period ends as they prepare to ovulate. Once ovulation is over and the body prepares to flush out the unnecessary uterine lining, the sexual arousal goes down. It's subtle and not always noticeable. But if this happened during an upswing that could account for more than half of her arousal.

Secondly, that discussion created erotic tension. Doubts in her mind about you wanting her, you wanting someone else, thoughts of you with someone else and or she with someone else. Whether this turns her on or not is beside the point. The discussion itself created erotic tension and for a lot of women that in itself can be a turn on.

I don't think you need to open any Pandora's box in your marriage. Ask her to write you a dirty story. Tell her it doesn't have to be about you two. Just a dirty sexy story. Then you write one for her. 

Sexual fantasies can be pretty damn wild. A fantasy doesn't have to be something we actually want to happen. Many women have rape fantasies but none of them want to be raped. Many women have fantasies of of threesomes, but that doesn't mean they want it to happen. 

Rest easy soldier. Your marriage reached the settling in stage, like they all do. Now is the time to really communicate and dig deep into each other's thoughts and kinky desires. Doesn't mean it has to happen, but it's fun to think about.


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## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Here's a couple of thoughts I had reading your story.
> 
> 1) Generally speaking women are going to be a bit sexually repressed. It's driven into us from the time we are very small. Virginity is treasured, there are names for women who sleep around. There are names for women who are overtly sexual. There is a huge double standard when it comes to sex and women and men.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your input. 

Your assessment of me couldn't be more wrong. 

Look I go all out for my wife. I do sweet things for her like bring her flowers on random occasions. Leave flirty notes for her around the house. I give her massages when shes had a rough day..I help around the house...I could go on and on.

When it comes to sex if my Partner is not into it then I'm not interested in sex at all. There have been countless times when she did the I'm too tired deal so I still offered to go down on her until she climaxed so she could sleep better I expected nothing in return and she never turned that down. If that's not selfless I don't know what is...


By the way I've always been big on foreplay and getting her in the mood...something that wasn't an issue in the early years. Recently when I offer to go down..she turns it down everytime. 

One thing we learned in counseling is that you never say "YOU" it makes the receiving party feel like your statement is an attack...your post while it did have some inputs ..it also had a lot of "YOU" in it. "You" should of went the extra mile and put it in bold.


I came here for advice not to be put on trial so don't point a finger at me like you know me. for all others I thank you for your input.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That was not necessary Stressedd. MissScarlette made some good points. Does you wife agree that your sex life is lacking and boring and does she agree that she is unhappy with the state of it?


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## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> That was not necessary Stressedd. MissScarlette made some good points. Does you wife agree that your sex life is lacking and boring and does she agree that she is unhappy with the state of it?



I did acknowledge that she had some input..but I did not appreciate the attacks either. Whether she meant them to be attacks or not... that's how I perceived them.

Well that's the thing. Right now I'm just trying to get some inputs as to what is going on. Like I mentioned before I'm still deployed....I'm in a situation where I'm not sure this is a can of worms I should open being halfway across the world. she has enough going on with haldning the kids on her own... and Keeping this bottled up for 4 months is gonna be hard.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

stressedd said:


> She even mentioned us inviting a third party to come play so to speak.


She probably has someone specific in mind already. Look for Weightlifter's advice on checking up on potentially cheating spouses.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MSP said:


> She probably has someone specific in mind already. Look for Weightlifter's advice on checking up on potentially cheating spouses.


Are you f*cking serious!

This man is deployed, half way around the world and you want to make some stupid assumption that she's cheating?

How EXACTLY does that help him right f*cking now?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry my words were perceived as an attack.

My only point was that I didn't think your wife wanted to be with a third party or anyone but her husband. 

You stated you were concerned to the point of tears that you didn't do it for her anymore and she was going to need extra to be fulfilled. At least this is how I read your initial post. 

I didn't think that was the case, from my point of view as a woman. 

Your title is "sex became boring" and my suggestion was that your wife wouldn't say this most likely. 

Of course that doesn't solve the problem, which is that it seems you would like to see passion from her to the level you did that night. 

(I find myself paranoid to use the word 'you' now.) 

In any case, I'm sorry you read my post as an attack, it was not. If I was off about what got you upset I apologize.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

stressedd said:


> I did acknowledge that she had some input..but I did not appreciate the attacks either. Whether she meant them to be attacks or not... that's how I perceived them.


I read what she wrote and don't see the attacks either. I do see a poster trying to help you get a perspective about what your wife is going through. Seems to me those thoughts may give you some ideas for how to handle things. Frankly, I see you responding defensively about a lot of stuff that she never even raised. Why is that?

Regardless, you are here and not your wife. You can't make her change, but you can change yourself. So work on this. That is where most of the advice will be directed. If you take that as a personal attack, you likely won't have a lot of success changing things. But that is ultimately up to you.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Are you f*cking serious!
> 
> This man is deployed, half way around the world and you want to make some stupid assumption that she's cheating?
> 
> How EXACTLY does that help him right f*cking now?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yea, sorry about that. But Sheeshe! The man is deployed right now!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

OP, I think you owe Scarlett an apology. You seriously need to get a thicker skin if you're going to post on a public message board.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Anon Pink,

It is not inconceivable that a miltary wife left alone for months cheats. These things happen occasionally.

Stressedd,

Have you ever asked your wife if she masturbates while you are away. Do you know what her fantasy material is? 

Do you have Skype sex?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Anon Pink,
> 
> It is not inconceivable that a miltary wife left alone for months cheats. These things happen occasionally.
> 
> ...


Yes, I am aware of that. But how does that help him right now?

I'm sorry I over reacted. MSP please accept my apology for jumping down your throat. I'm not fully myself today.


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## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> I'm sorry my words were perceived as an attack.
> 
> My only point was that I didn't think your wife wanted to be with a third party or anyone but her husband.
> 
> ...


It's no problem...just a miss communication...this whole thing is just a mess. 

Anyway I apologize for snapping


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, I am aware of that. But how does that help him right now?
> 
> I'm sorry I over reacted. MSP please accept my apology for jumping down your throat. I'm not fully myself today.


To be honest, the timing of my advice is probably not ideal. But it's not like the guy isn't already stressed. I'm always interested in getting to the bottom of things and knowing the truth. I personally find that less stressful than being in limbo. But sometimes I do need to meter my penchant for truth and justice with consideration for the receiver. 

No worries about your reaction. Go and get outside and frolic in the meadows or something.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hug it out, everyone, I'll sing. 

Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya.......


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## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Anon Pink,
> 
> It is not inconceivable that a miltary wife left alone for months cheats. These things happen occasionally.
> 
> ...



She has toys to masturbate with. I've never asked her is shes using it or what she thinks about when she masturbates.

To be honest neither one of us has brought up the idea of Skype sex..


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

stressedd said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 2 children and I'm in the military. We have had what I would call a pretty solid marriage so far ...except for the sex.


Sex can get a little boring if you let it get that way. What you started sounds okay except the bringing in a 3rd party. Not something I think is a good idea. All that looking at stuff on line likely was the trigger to her couch quickie as well as concern about you posting pictures online.

I am a old guy, wife has passed on but we went through some of what you explained. I use to be away from home for months on power plant jobs. Being away does not help except the first few days home we were like rabbits. But when the kids were around it was a total libido killer.

After it got boring I encouraged DDW to try some new stuff. Positions, toys etc. She at first was not sure why I wanted to try that stuff. I am not talking S/M or anything, just spooning, doggie, etc. Some stuff that is normal to others we had seldom done if ever. At the end she was all for the changing things up and loved the toys. 

Talk to her about trying some new things that are within the boundaries you both can enjoy. Many ladies lose drive as they age, so do men. It seem a larger percent of women do than men. Though TAM seem to be an exception. Encourage your wife to try a few new things you like and see how she responds.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

stressedd said:


> There have been countless times when she did the I'm too tired deal so I still offered to go down on her until she climaxed so she could sleep better I expected nothing in return and she never turned that down. If that's not selfless I don't know what is...


That is selfless and I would think appreciated. Have you asked her directly why now she does not want that pleasure? If nothing else once you find the answer to this question all else may fall inline.


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## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

Code-Welder said:


> Sex can get a little boring if you let it get that way. What you started sounds okay except the bringing in a 3rd party. Not something I think is a good idea. All that looking at stuff on line likely was the trigger to her couch quickie as well as concern about you posting pictures online.
> 
> I am a old guy, wife has passed on but we went through some of what you explained. I use to be away from home for months on power plant jobs. Being away does not help except the first few days home we were like rabbits. But when the kids were around it was a total libido killer.
> 
> ...



Well the reason why I have the impression she was leaning towards third party is that (and I did not mention this in my OP) she started mentioning boundries. Like it couldn't be someone we knew..no kissing...ect. It was a lot for me to take in..that with the mention of everything else because this was all stuff I had no clue turned her on. 

I've done my research and too many couples get destroyed over this kind of thing....sigh


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

stressed, do you guys ever get a chance to talk about sex while you are deployed or do you generally talk about the kids and such?

That would be very difficult to be separated for such a long time as you are. That has to give you so much time to be concerned about these things, like her wanting someone other than yourself. 

My husband isn't gone like you are, but he is frequently gone M-F and I know our phone conversations are generally limited to household stuff and what the kids have going on. When he does come home, even just being gone 4 days, there is a warming up period, almost like we've gone back to being more of strangers. 

Wondering if your situation allows for any sexting, flirting, etc, to build up expectations for when you get back home. 

I would be surprised, as I said earlier, if she was realistically considering someone other than yourself. It doesn't sound to me like that is what is going on at all. Regardless of what she was saying that particular evening. 

Of course this has to be troubling you greatly because you aren't physically there to assure yourself of her fidelity. I get that.


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## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> stressed, do you guys ever get a chance to talk about sex while you are deployed or do you generally talk about the kids and such?
> 
> That would be very difficult to be separated for such a long time as you are. That has to give you so much time to be concerned about these things, like her wanting someone other than yourself.
> 
> ...


We don't really talk about sex at all. It's pretty much kids work...general life stuff.

It is a lot like that when I get back from deployments...she has her own system in place and I'm kind of the outsider when I get back. Been like that every time I've been gone and come home.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

stressedd said:


> It was a lot for me to take in..that with the mention of everything else because this was all stuff I had no clue turned her on.
> 
> I've done my research and too many couples get destroyed over this kind of thing....sigh


I can understand that would be problem, I have very seldom heard of a relationship surviving 3rd parties. I gather she was wanting another guy or was it another female?

Either way it can be a huge problem if you are not all in, and you clearly are not. Now comes the time to have a heart to heart with her about life, love and sex. Never easy to do, but for me it was best when we were just eating dinner or chatting at the kitchen table.

Do you feel threatened in your relationship? Many times your guy feels it before your brain. Do you still feel emotionally connected to her and her like wise?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It does seem this is much more about the lost intimacy with your wife than anything else. I think she has likely settled into her routine, like you said, and sex isn't part of that. 

Many women fall into this trap, even ones who's husbands are home every night.

I think the key is trying to build the intimacy level before you go home next. It can be completely non sexual in nature, there is a lot of intimacy to be had outside of that area. Generally speaking many women are genetically programmed that physical intimacy follows emotional intimacy. Often this intimacy gets somehow lost and the sex dies. 

I really don't think you need to worry about her needing more than you.


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## DEVIL_MAY5 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Maybe the idea of inviting a third party in -male or female- is classified under the taboo section, which to some people is arousing and hot.

if you're not into these type of things to seriously invite someone to join in, I suggest maybe trying new stuff, I mean like BDSM, adults toys, or having it in some strange places like a public toilet or something.

There are some people that encourage watching porn, I'm not one of them, the idea of your partner getting turned on by watching others is bad enough.
*


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