# Husband says I was being rude and disrespectful



## Ninja500 (Apr 16, 2013)

He was barely talking to me for 3 days so I had to ask him what was going on and he said I was rude and disrespectful to him and have ruined the marriage.

Here's the back story: He invited his friends over for a poker party. I hate poker parties and playing poker. He knows this. In the past, I've sat on the couch while they all play and I figured that was rude, so the past 2 times I've played along with everyone even though I hate it.

This time, I told him, I'd rather not host a party, why can't it be at someone else's house? I had a baby shower to go to the next day and didn't want to be up late the night before with the party. His reply, why are you so anti-social. So we had the party.

I had a cold and wasn't feeling well. He said I was pouting the whole night crossing my arms. I know for a fact I didn't start crossing my arms until 11pm. They all left after midnight and of course, the next day I woke up feeling like crap from staying up so late and having a cold. I did glare at him all night because I was pissed off.

This morning he finally spoke to me the most in 3 days and says that I've damaged the marriage, I'm selfish and only think about myself. I said I was sorry if I made him feel disrespected. He said I wasn't sorry (which I'm not because I don't think I did anything wrong) but for him to say I've damaged the marriage is crazy. I don't know where to go from here and it is so uncomfortable at my house right now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He sounds selfish and immature.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I think they both sound selfish and immature. Why did you have to stay up OP? Can you not go to bed by yourself? Couldn't you let him have his game while you read in your room or something - go out to dinner, etc.?


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## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

How old are both of you? You sound like you're in your early 20s?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ella1048 said:


> How old are both of you? You sound like you're in your early 20s?


Husband sounds like he is 8.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

[QUOTE[/QUOTE]


blueinbr said:


> Husband sounds like he is 8.


and the wife sounds like she is 9.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I agree, both are acting a bit childish. FYI, the marriage is not ruined because of a disagreement over poker night.

In the future, just find something else to do. Go to your room and watch tv. Personally, I wouldn't want my wife around for a guys poker night. Just as I expect that she wouldn't want me around for a girls night out thing.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

So, is it the poker you hate or merely his friends? Would a Super Bowl party be ok with you? In other words, any room for compromise or do you want him to give up his friend group. This is a big, serious question.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're both right. And you were both wrong.

Just because he wants to do something, it doesn't mean you have to participate in it. Set out some chips and beer, and go hang out with your girlfriends. Or go to bed if you feel bad. Problem solved.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Why did you lie to him about being sorry and then complain about him not believing you?!!

Is this something you have done in the past?

I don't know about your husband (haven't read his childish side of the story), but you definitely sound selfish.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you were pissed and glaring at him, then you were rude, in my opinion.

If he insisted that you do this when you have a cold, then he is insensitive and selfish.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> You're both right. And you were both wrong.
> 
> Just because he wants to do something, it doesn't mean you have to participate in it. Set out some chips and beer, and go hang out with your girlfriends. Or go to bed if you feel bad. Problem solved.


I don't think I agree Turnera.

Why should a man having a poker-night at his home mean his wife can up and leave to a Girls night out?

The guy wants to showcase his life, hospitality, marriage and sense of belonging. He has every right to do that and his wife should be accommodating if she wants to be married. Same applies to him.

When you're married, you're not entitled to the same level of individuality as a single person. That's what you give up by saying "I DO".

You don't like Poker? Go watch TV or do something else, but don't leave the house, and definitely don't act like you're being tortured. Your husband didn't do anything wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she doesn't want to host the party, why should she be expected to do it? Just so he can show her off? And what does her being 'in' the house have to do with anything? My husband's band comes over every week to practice and I make sure my car's out in the street so I can go to the gym, go shopping, eat dinner, or whatever; that's his time, my time is my time.

I'm not excusing the way she handled it. Just saying that just because HE says he wants a poker party doesn't mean she has to participate in it. Now, if he were to then say 'but babe, if you help me throw this party, we can go to the zoo on Sunday (or whatever would give HER a few hours of pleasure),' then that would be what you're describing - the compromises of a marriage.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> If she doesn't want to host the party, why should she be expected to do it? Just so he can show her off?


Not exactly what I meant, but even so, why not?

What is so bad about tolerating something uncomfortable for your spouse once in a while? Aren't most men automatically expected to do this? 

We're talking about a few hours of being at your own home, not looking miserable in the presence of a few friends play poker (with the option of participating at will). Honestly, how much of a 'sacrifice' is that?!!

I'm almost certain the husband has made such sacrifices for her and that's the reason he's being resentful. I see a lot of entitlement in her post.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

If she's expected to be shown off and play hostess on poker night, I hope he's willing to serve wine and crackers (with a smile!) when she has her girlfriends over. :wink2:

I was always encouraged to go out with friends when XH had the guys over to watch a fight. I'd make sure they had snacks and drinks, and then go hang out with a friend (often some of the wives of his guests).


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## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

Is there a pattern of this type of behavior in your relationship, on either your side or his? 

It seems like if he's saying the marriage is damaged, he's upset about something more than one night of grumpy poker.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

As others have said, why did you have to wait up for the poker party to end?

Why not greet the guests, make some polite small talk, then exit upstairs to your bedroom for some relaxing TV or reading?

I don't get it. And I hardly doubt a marriage could be ruined over one poker night.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I think I agree with all of the above.

If she didn't feel well then he really should have had this poker night somewhere else but she didn't have to join in. She could have gone and read a book or watched a movie in bed. Asking why poker night can't be somewhere else for a change isn't unreasonable.

If she didn't want to take part then he's a big boy, theoretically anyway, he could even have got his own snacks out and made his own party drinks she doesn't have to be waitress for the game if she doesn't want to be.

However giving her a 3 day sulk or silent treatment is pretty childish behavior.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your husband is being way over dramatic. You haven't disrespected him or ruined the marriage. He needs to have his poker game someone else once in a while. When he does have it at your house again, don't feel obligated to stay up and play or sit on the couch, go out with the girls or do something else. It's HIS poker game at HIS house so HE is the host and is responsible not you.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm wondering why you just didn't go to bed like some of the other posters have asked. I think you both acted childish, I also think there is more going on in your marriage beside just this poker incident to make him feel the marriage is ruined. 

Unless of course you live in an efficiency apartment and don't have a room where you can close the door, but you haven't said that. Did he force you to stay up until his buddies left? How often does he have these poker nights at your house? and is this something he lets you know ahead of time?


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. After reading your other thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/75154-feeling-frustrated-sad.html I see that this isn't an isolated even and it has been going on for years. How did the MC go? Are you guys still going? (I assume you're still with the same partner). At this point, after everything you described in your other thread, there's so much resentment from both of you that this poker night is the least of your problems.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

turnera said:


> You're both right. And you were both wrong.
> 
> Just because he wants to do something, it doesn't mean you have to participate in it. Set out some chips and beer, and go hang out with your girlfriends. Or go to bed if you feel bad. Problem solved.



My first thought it what @turnera already said. Why the F didn't you just tell him you were down with the flu and wanted to go to bed?? I'm sure his friends don't want to get sick and I would hope he wouldn't want them to get sick, or you to get worse. 

You shouldn't feel forced to play if you don't enjoy it, especially if you're feeling sick!! Heck, I would be pissed if someone forced me to stay up late and play Poker if I was sick... and I enjoy Poker


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