# Desire for me? Desire for sex?



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Women, I watched a few episodes of Big Little Lies and in one episode Laura Dern's character, who is awesome BTW, had just come home from her job as powerful driven CEO of PayPal-or some big web based business that she owns and runs with her husband. She was glowing from her afternoon of having kick ass sex with her husband in his office. She thanked him and said it had been a long time since she had felt that desired and it reinvigorated her. Her husband said "but I always desire you!" And she said "*no, you always desire sex."* 


It struck me then just how confusing this issue must be, for both men and women. If a woman also is in the mood for sex she may or may not feel the need to "feel desired" but if she isn't exactly in the mood for sex she may respond to feeling desired as opposed to feeling her husband wants sex and she happens to be his wife so......

Big little difference. In actions, in words there may be little difference between showing a desire for me vs showing a desire for sex, but the difference in how it feels to be desired vs your husband wants sex is big. Maybe.


Women, how do you differentiate feeling desired and feeling he wants sex?
Do you differentiate the two? 
Do you respond differently if you feel desired or if you feel he wants sex?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I completely see and understand the difference between the two now that I have experienced both. 
IMO

Desire for sex - sex is the only goal. He'll go ahead with a "ugg fine, just make it quick" and jump right to PIV until he's done. He wants me to like it but ultimately he'll do it anyway. 

He does things with a goal to get sex. Not to meet my needs or make me happy but wanting to put a coin in the vending machine and have a willing, naked woman come out. 

If he touches you, you know it's initiation for sex because he doesn't touch you for any other reason. He pays you little to no real attention until you are laying in bed and he decides to start feeling you up. 


Desire for me- he wants to meet my needs in and out of bed. Sex is the natural byproduct of our closeness. He touches me often and admires my body during non sexual times. My enjoyment is first and foremost and me wanting him is the goal, not getting off. He talks and listens and takes me out on dates, he spends the time turning me on in non sexual ways first before it just naturally moves to sexual. He cuddles without expectations. He wants all of me, not just my vagina.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

I don't differentiate at all. Desire for sex is desire for sex. 

Not sure that I have ever felt desired for "me". I mean, I know my husband loves me and wants to be with me from a companionship point of view. But I don't think that translates into anything specific from a sexual desire point of view?

At any rate, I usually desire sex too, so my response is usually the same.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I feel from my perspective that it easy to trip up on this issue, my wife of 28 years said to me that her EA's didn't satisfy her the way i did in bed, she always orgasmed with me, but never with her lovers, she had the EA's to spice things up a tad, but maybe not realising the damage she was doing to us. I always enjoyed sex with my wife very much, but is so true that i didn't realise maybe that their was a whole lot more to it than just the physical aspect, i know that my wife was driven by very erotic sometime scary fantasies that to tell you all the truth kinda scared me a bit, my wife was very sexually charged and this increased in intensity as we got older, i couldn't keep this up as after the EA's, she started to not speak too much about sex but her appetite was getting bigger, maybe an age thing as she constantly went on about her getting older. 
As far as desiring my wife i always told her she looked good and she was amazing considering her age, she would get looks everywhere she went she told me, this made me want her more but their were barriers to our life's together that stopped us from fully engaging on the sexual front, she wasn't happy with herself all the time, work, age, spots, weight all played their part in getting me out of her life and into another man's bed but she will realise that no matter what this new man does for her she will still have her demons to contend with. Life long low self esteem is a ******* to contend with, lies have to be told to avoid a row, truth's are not believed as how could they be true i feel awful about myself, i know what will help me, a weekend away for NSS, that will fix my problems no end, how wrong, all this does is give her a short term ego boost but when she comes back to earth she is the same person with the same issues, she never really wanted to work on them at all, just damaged herself and her reputation even more, well not my problem now but i still feel that it could all have been very different if she was more mentally stronger and believed in herself a bit more.

So desiring your partner totally is fantastic, with me i always wanted my wife in no matter what shape she was in, she didn't though, and that was one of the problems we had, weight off, EA, weight on, depressed, this happened every couple of years, so my desire for her was so messed up at the end she didn't know what i was telling her, i never really lied to her but she told me a million. In a marriage where both partners are faithful and want to remain faithful then desiring each other totally can only be good for the marriage, the bond that should be hard to break if both partners get a lot out of the sex and the closeness and contentment two lovers can generate is the best of all things, a perfect partnership that would endure, i crave this for myself and i will move mountains to get it.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Big Little Lies was freaking awesome. Are they making another season?

On topic, I desire sex with my wife, whom I greatly desire. I don't think it would work for me otherwise. I think she does get that, but will tease me by saying "you just want sex". Gets it, but I guess some reassurance is needed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I completely see and understand the difference between the two now that I have experienced both.
> IMO
> 
> Desire for sex - sex is the only goal. He'll go ahead with a "ugg fine, just make it quick" and jump right to PIV until he's done. He wants me to like it but ultimately he'll do it anyway.
> ...



Are you saying that your husband has felt you only wanted sex and he grudgingly obliged? That he didn't feel desired by you? Also that you didn't specifically desire him but you did desire sex?


I have felt a desire for sex, but not specifically a desire for him. Although I don't know that I could differentiate between desiring him vs desiring sex because it's not like I desire anyone else, nor desire finding someone else with whom to have sex. The thought of getting naked with someone who never saw the 30 year old body isn't palatable! I do like his penis I must say. It's really nice!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wild jade said:


> I don't differentiate at all. Desire for sex is desire for sex.
> 
> Not sure that I have ever felt desired for "me". I mean, I know my husband loves me and wants to be with me from a companionship point of view. But I don't think that translates into anything specific from a sexual desire point of view?
> 
> At any rate, I usually desire sex too, so my response is usually the same.


I get this. I can remember one time, MANY years ago when I felt totally desired and we had amazing sex....but I was drunk so I'm not sure my memory is accurate.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@KevinZX

So you feel like you showed your wife you desire her but depending on her weight or body image, not to mention her chronic affairs, she wasn't able to feel your desire?





CharlieParker said:


> Big Little Lies was freaking awesome. Are they making another season?
> 
> On topic, I desire sex with my wife, whom I greatly desire. I don't think it would work for me otherwise. I think she does get that, but will tease me by saying "you just want sex". Gets it, but I guess some reassurance is needed.


I have no idea and I'm only a few episodes in so don't spoil anything!!!!

This is something I'm curious about with long term marriages. Do we begin to desensitize ourselves to feeling desired?

Like @SlowlyGoingCrazy pointed out, there are some obvious fails in terms of showing desire for your spouse instead of showing you want to get laid. But after so many years, do that signs that he desires you become...unnoticed or routine and thus boring?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

From the perspective of someone in a sexless marriage, this thread is interesting. I have never been attracted to my H from a particularly physical stanpoint

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Sorry hit post before I was finished. My point was that my desire was for my husband, not sex. But without the sex, the desire for my husband is nearly vanished. I am not sure you can have one without the other. 

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wringo123 said:


> From the perspective of someone in a sexless marriage, this thread is interesting. I have never been attracted to my H from a particularly physical stanpoint
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Interesting. Do you think it's possible he isn't really physically attracted to you? Not that you're an unattractive person but for whatever reason the sexual chemistry just isn't present even though you two love each other and get along well.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> This is something I'm curious about with long term marriages. Do we begin to desensitize ourselves to feeling desired?


IDK, I think it's more likely that one's partner may become complacent (maybe too strong a word) in showing/expressing desire.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wringo123 said:


> Sorry hit post before I was finished. My point was that my desire was for my husband, not sex. But without the sex, the desire for my husband is nearly vanished. I am not sure you can have one without the other.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk



Ah, okay that does shed some significant light on your meaning.

If your husband consistently shows a lack of desire for you, you're desire for him deminishes? This makes perfect sense to me. Which indicates that if he wanted sex more often, even if he didn't do things to make you feel desired, your desire for him might have continued? Which maybe means that a husband wanting sex equals a low level of desire for her and if that's all she's getting she begins to stop wanting sex with him?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Our issues are complicated. He has a porn addiction and severe Ed which he refuses to address. In the beginning of our relationship, he was clearly physically attracted to me. There was zero sexual chemistry on my part until a real relationship started to develop and the desire I felt was not based on physical attraction. 

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> IDK, I think it's more likely that one's partner may become complacent (maybe too strong a word) in showing/expressing desire.


That would be my experience. Complacency!

I remember my husband saying, why would I date/woo you when we're already married?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wringo123 said:


> Our issues are complicated. He has a porn addiction and severe Ed which he refuses to address. In the beginning of our relationship, he was clearly physically attracted to me. There was zero sexual chemistry on my part until a real relationship started to develop and the desire I felt was not based on physical attraction.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Ugh you poor thing. I hope you have a means of supporting yourself so that you don't have to tolerate it for the rest of your life. Your husband is avoidant and that is a personality trait that doesn't change, ever. Ever!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Are you saying that your husband has felt you only wanted sex and he grudgingly obliged? That he didn't feel desired by you? Also that you didn't specifically desire him but you did desire sex?
> 
> 
> I have felt a desire for sex, but not specifically a desire for him. Although I don't know that I could differentiate between desiring him vs desiring sex because it's not like I desire anyone else, nor desire finding someone else with whom to have sex. The thought of getting naked with someone who never saw the 30 year old body isn't palatable! I do like his penis I must say. It's really nice!


I had a desire to be desired. I don't think he gave a crap about wanting me. He wanted to get off and if it was too much work (meeting my needs, giving non sexual and sexual foreplay, touching and admiring in non sexual ways) then it wasn't worth it. He could use porn. If I agreed, he would do it even if it was clear I was not enjoying myself. 

Now that I am desired for me, I desire sex with him (new man). He is amazing. Our relationship is a little bit of a different example as we are a D/s couple but I desire HIM. His body, his hands, his mouth, his ....., I can't imagine any other. I am a little .." worshipy" with him and his body but it fits with our dynamic.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I haven't seen the show, but based on the anecdote presented, it seems to present a rather narrow view, at least in that particular narrative. 

Here's the ultimate clincher. If we just desired sex, we would have sex with anyone. We don't, at least not most of us. Personally, I desire my wife a great deal... and only my wife. I have had many offers from attractive women, and never bit... never even thought about it, not even for a second. 

I know this is a Ladies Lounge post, but the male perspective is important here. That said, I'll also share my perception of at least one woman's perspective. For women, it seems this may be a female flipside of the male penis insecurity. After 31+ completely faithful and devoted years together, my wife still accuses me of just being horny and not specifically focused on her. She's really just poking fun at me and my male-ness, but it sometimes seems like she thinks there's a kernel of truth at the core of her jest.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

"Just being horny and not focusing on her" to me would mean not taking the time to fill non-sexual needs and desires and just wanting sex. 

Just like some women think once you get married you can shut off the "trying" and dating part, some guys do too. 
They stop dating, stop having those up all night talks and cuddles like you did when you dated, stopped going on long drives to nowhere just enjoying each other's company and then making out in the car like you're back in high school, doing little things that brighten her day, even a text or two during the day to ask how things are going. Non-sexual attention. 

They come home from work, have dinner, give a half @ssed "how was your day" and watch tv the rest of the night and then start rubbing on her legs once you get into bed. 

F- that. That to me is just wanting sex and not desiring ME.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> "Just being horny and not focusing on her" to me would mean not taking the time to fill non-sexual needs and desires and just wanting sex.
> 
> Just like some women think once you get married you can shut off the "trying" and dating part, some guys do too.
> They stop dating, stop having those up all night talks and cuddles like you did when you dated, stopped going on long drives to nowhere just enjoying each other's company and then making out in the car like you're back in high school, doing little things that brighten her day, even a text or two during the day to ask how things are going. Non-sexual attention.
> ...


Agreed on all counts. 

I'm actually a far better, and more attentive listener today than when we were dating.

That's how I know she's (mostly) just poking fun at me. She has my full and undivided attention and is on the receiving end of thoughtful and sympathetic words, sweet caresses, and my undivided attention, even when there is no intent for sex. The courtship continues unabated at all times. -- which is the best way I know to assure her that, when I do directly express sexual desire, that it is for _her _and not just for her lady parts.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

That show is amazing. I love all of the layers. 

So, I feel a difference between being desired and just wanting sex because I also have a sex drive and as far and few between as they are, every once in awhile I have a higher drive than my husband so I experience it from that angle.

Just Sex: Like, I just want him to come home, not talk and just do me in the way I want. Don't talk to me about it and if you want something different well...I don't want it as much. I don't want to hear about his day, I don't care if he is stressed or tired or sore. Just, you sir have the equipment to make what I want happen and it would be awesome if you could just do that.

This feels so awkward to me every time it happens because I know my husband is a person who may be tired after work and really just wants a massage, beer and sleep, so I get a little anxious as well. I usually squirm around, get super weird in initiating and if my husband dares to have an opinion outside of mine, I get frustrated. 


Feeling desired: I'm not horny, but my husband is an intensely interesting creature and I want to know more about him. He has soft skin and I want to touch it, he has a deep gravely voice and I want to hear him yell out. He has big hands that touch me in all the right places and I want to be touched by him and him alone, etc. I don't get this feeling without emotional intimacy and by being physically close. Like cooking together always makes me want him a) he feeds me delicious things b) he chops like a ninja and c) our conversation is always interesting.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Women, how do you differentiate feeling desired and feeling he wants sex?
> Do you differentiate the two?
> Do you respond differently if you feel desired or if you feel he wants sex?


I think they are intertwined for me. If he wants sex, he wants it with me. 

He is always very positive about my ruin of a body. Loves it, even. His desire has been constant since the day we met.

I am kind of amazed at how little effect my moods or actions have on him in general. He is very stable, very even-tempered. And his sex drive does not seem affected at all by anything I say or do.

I can be angry, and he will still want to have sex with me. It almost seems insensitive.

But then we talk things out, and I feel good with him again. And want to be close to him.

I can't even imagine being in a marriage like that of @Fozzy. That would feel so foreign to me.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I have felt a desire for sex, but not specifically a desire for him. Although I don't know that I could differentiate between desiring him vs desiring sex because it's not like I desire anyone else, nor desire finding someone else with whom to have sex. The thought of getting naked with someone who never saw the 30 year old body isn't palatable! I do like his penis I must say. It's really nice!


What an interesting topic.

I can differentiate between the two in my relationship. Sometimes I really really crave sex, but when I actually get down to having sex with my husband I don't have the same enthusiasm. It might have been because we had been arguing, or I'm tired, or maybe sex has been bad recently. But for whatever reason sometimes the thought of sex is more exciting than the thought of sex with my husband. Which is super confusing because like you I don't desire sex with anyone else. I guess sometimes I like the idea of sex, but not the actual sex. 

Or other times I desire my husband but not necessarily sex. I just want HIM. Yes that includes sex, but sometimes we are out in public doing very non-sexual things and I am just like "dang I want him." Thinking about touching, seeing, tasting him. Mostly just wanting to be close to him. Occasionally when we are having sex and I will feel the urge to be "closer" to him. Which makes no sense since we are all mushed up against each other. lol. Sex will just not always satisfy that longing for him. I will tell him closer, and he will playfully roll his eyes and then hold me very tightly, with everyone inch of skin I can manage molded around him. I love skin on skin contact. Whether we are spooning, he has a hand on my back while we are out, or we have our legs entangled while we are sleeping, I desire to touch him.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Both my ex-h and my current boyfriend have made me feel desired for me specifically. They do this by showing me desire all the time, not just when the opportunity for sex arises. They do it with verbal compliments, by touching me constantly, and by their overall attention to me. 

They desire sex generally but they specifically desire me...my body, my face, my particular form of eroticism. They express themselves openly about their desire for me, and I openly accept their expressions of desire for me, and for sex. They tell me about specific things they enjoy about me and enjoy about having sex with me. I know their words are true because they match their actions.


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