# Rebuilding Trust - is this possible?



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Hello again -

I suppose its time for a new thread. For a little bit of background, my husband and I have been married for 4 years as of this month and have struggled throughout our whole married. We recently started marriage counseling and have really grown from it. Our main issue now is trust, which continues to be a problem. He did not have an affair, but he did hide a pornography addiction for 3 years which also overlapped us trying for baby number 2. This is probably the most heartbreaking part of our situation - I get the addiction but I cannot wrap my head around him being okay with watching my reaction to failure after 2 years of trying to conceive. We even saw fertility specialists for our "unexplained" infertility, completed two rounds of IUI, and started the process for IVF. I discovered the porn and a few other big lies about two months ago. Since then our issues with sex have drastically improved (go figure), but he is very upset I put a hold on the baby discussion. I told him that is a hard line while we figure out if we can even have a healthy marriage, which is largely due to our lack of trust. I can say I still do not believe a word he says at this point due to the gravity of his lies and how easily he held them up for almost the entire duration of our marriage.

Anyways, fast-forward to now. He is very, very remorseful and we have thoroughly discussed the porn and other lies. The other lies were also pretty big but the details really aren't relevant. No cheating, just being a secretive jerk. I mention the porn since other threads I have posted have been around ED and other sex in marriage issues. He is working really hard to rebuild trust but I still have that flighty feeling in my stomach. I know at the end of the day our trust (or lack thereof) will be the demise of our marriage if we cant get back on track. Our communication and day-to-day have drastically improved, but I keep finding myself in situations where he is admitting to white lies a week later. He claims he doesnt tell me or lies because he doesnt want to fight, which isnt a good excuse. He can still be held accountable when he makes a dumb decision. It almost feels like he is refusing to admit when he does something stupid and shifts the blame to me to justify being a liar. I keep explaining that me being mad at him for 30 minutes when he does something insanely dumb is better than me thinking he is dishonest. It reopens all of the other hurt from his big lies and I feel like I start over from day 1. How can I ever feel like I am getting the whole truth and not feel like I need to question him constantly?

It now seems like he is having weird trust issues as well. I noticed I had a few text messages that had been read, but I knew I did not open them. I mentioned it last night and it seemed like my husband ignored the comment. I tried to just let it go because I honestly don't care if my texts are read. I just don't like the sneaking. My husband made a comment this morning that my friend (woman) texts worse than a man. To that I responded with "Well, interesting you find it appropriate to read my private texts. If it bothered you, you could have asked me about it". He justified it with what the preview of the text was, which was an inappropriate joke about a failed first "intimate" date from my best girlfriend. Again, I don't care, but it bothered me that he felt the need to read it and then not admit to looking through my phone. It feels sneaky which is not appropriate given his mission for honesty. Should I let this whole situation go or should I discuss it later? Again, I don't care that he read the message, but I don't like that he couldn't admit to it and did it behind my back. Could this be his own insecurities that I should be addressing? I do love my husband and want our marriage to improve, but I can't live my life like this. We are about 2 months into our "fresh start", so hopefully there's still a lot of room for improvement?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

moulinyx said:


> Again, I don't care that he read the message, but I don't like that he couldn't admit to it and did it behind my back. Could this be his own insecurities that I should be addressing?


So he's still lying about stuff. Seems he's not going to change for the time being. 

No, don't address HIS insecurities. Those are his to own.

Good luck.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ah I was in a marriage like this. Lied all the time about stupid stuff because he didn’t want to get in trouble… which he wouldn’t of but that’s how he was raised… his parents were super strict and he works get hit or screamed at for every single wrong thing so he became really good at hiding. His fear of getting “I’m trouble” always persisted through the marriage. 

It’s hard to have a marriage and a real partnership when you are made to be mean mommy. It’s like they are walking on egg shells and being sneaky because god forbid you get a little upset. It’s insane. It’s hard to respect a man like this. He isn’t going to change. Do with that as you will.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> How can I ever feel like I am getting the whole truth and not feel like I need to question him constantly?


You can't. It's up to him to do the work to prove himself to you. Put your foot down on that.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts.

I don't think I could hold on if he'd lied and hidden such things to the point of letting me suffer through infertility specialists and all. He wasted not only time and money, but also your hope, due to pure selfishness. If he'd really rather jack to porn (seriously, wth?!?!) and be dishonest than put his effort into having a baby, he doesn't get to complain that you now want to put that on hold. He sounds like a self-absorbed man-child, and he needs to wake the hell up.

Sorry to be so blunt, but damn!


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Its been a while since I have had the energy to provide any updates. 

We have been in counseling for a few months now and things have slightly improved. Our day-to-day interaction is overall less negative but I still cant shake this feeling of resentment and like I will always need to be on high alert for red flags. I also feel stupid for still being upset about the porn use. It just grosses me out that I was averaging intimacy MAYBE 30 times per year due to his lack of interest, but he has probably lusted over thousands of women in that time. Why marry someone if you aren't wildly attracted to them? The lies probably hurt just as bad and have caused a major disconnect in our marriage. What else has he lied about? It is an awful question.

At the end of the day, I guess my main anger is I wouldn't have married him if I had known these things prior. I always gave the benefit of the doubt and tried to do my best to help him. I can accept a less active sex life, but not when I am competing with pornography. 



theloveofmylife said:


> You can't. It's up to him to do the work to prove himself to you. Put your foot down on that.
> 
> I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts.
> 
> ...


Your answer is exactly what our marriage counselor has said. I want the magic solution for rebuilding trust but that doesn't exist. I regret responding to this situation with such initial forgiveness. I was so shell-shocked and focused on him/his own shame that I didn't give myself time to react. I just never thought I would have to do the pick me dance! It feels really pathetic. He says everything is different now, but I just dont buy it. 



Girl_power said:


> Ah I was in a marriage like this. Lied all the time about stupid stuff because he didn’t want to get in trouble… which he wouldn’t of but that’s how he was raised… his parents were super strict and he works get hit or screamed at for every single wrong thing so he became really good at hiding. His fear of getting “I’m trouble” always persisted through the marriage.
> 
> It’s hard to have a marriage and a real partnership when you are made to be mean mommy. It’s like they are walking on egg shells and being sneaky because god forbid you get a little upset. It’s insane. It’s hard to respect a man like this. He isn’t going to change. Do with that as you will.


This is also spot on. He chose to lie for years just because he wanted to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. The worst lie is him acting like he is happy or on board with a plan when in reality he feels the opposite. I have totally lost my sense of security in the marriage since his integrity is so compromised. 



Prodigal said:


> So he's still lying about stuff. Seems he's not going to change for the time being.
> 
> No, don't address HIS insecurities. Those are his to own.
> 
> Good luck.


Our counselor has also said this. I have such a hard time separating a "him" issue and my "me" issue. If anything, I feel intense panic/anxiety thinking about what he could be doing behind my back. It is really hard to focus on myself and be in the moment. 


I have given myself an internal timeline and regular check-in dates to determine if my day-to-day is improving. As much as I want this all to magically work, I know I cannot live a lhappy ife feeling this way.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

moulinyx said:


> As much as I want this all to magically work, I know I cannot live a lhappy ife feeling this way.


I couldn't. Sorry.


----------



## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Someone educate me, how does a porn addiction affect fertility, unless he just wasn't performing often enough?


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Jamieboy said:


> Someone educate me, how does a porn addiction affect fertility, unless he just wasn't performing often enough?


Right. He was watching so much porn that he couldn't "perform". So for two years we could only "try" maybe 3 times per month, which led him to pull the "we need medical intervention" card. I feel enraged even typing this as I was so worried he felt less manly because of the performance issues. Meanwhile, it was all self-inflicted and I was tasked with the burden of finding and attending these ridiculous appointments.

Its still hard for me to process this behavior. Aside from making me feel rejected, I cannot believe he couldn't keep his hands off of his member when we were actively trying. What a freaking waste.


----------



## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Right. He was watching so much porn that he couldn't "perform". So for two years we could only "try" maybe 3 times per month, which led him to pull the "we need medical intervention" card. I feel enraged even typing this as I was so worried he felt less manly because of the performance issues. Meanwhile, it was all self-inflicted and I was tasked with the burden of finding and attending these ridiculous appointments.
> 
> Its still hard for me to process this behavior. Aside from making me feel rejected, I cannot believe he couldn't keep his hands off of his member when we were actively trying. What a freaking waste.


Sorry hear that, that is a pretty horrible thing to put you through. I would be angry if it were done to me


----------



## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I think I would end it. The lies and the whole not being able to be truthful with full transparency would not work for me. The insult of choosing porn over having sex with a real willing person is also something that would be a deal breaker. I get that it is an addiction.. lying in many ways becomes that too. But damn.. he has to want to change and does he really? Lying is the most destructive thing in a relationship.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Pip’sJourney said:


> I think I would end it. The lies and the whole not being able to be truthful with full transparency would not work for me. The insult of choosing porn over having sex with a real willing person is also something that would be a deal breaker. I get that it is an addiction.. lying in many ways becomes that too. But damn.. he has to want to change and does he really? Lying is the most destructive thing in a relationship.


Right. It’s the lying that makes me feel so unstable. I hate having to wonder if there’s more going on. Additionally, I really don’t even care about porn. I just hate being replaced or competing. Even if he was doing daily without my knowledge (no one wants to know that) and still pursing me, I think I’d feel fine.

He brought up babies again today and I instantly felt panic. I can’t imagine being vulnerable like that with him again. I obsessed over losing weight after the first and was back to my prepregnancy weight by week six. I hate that I did it out of fear of him not finding me attractive enough instead of doing it for myself. I wasn’t always this way and I don’t like this version of myself at all.

He claims he wants to change and that he doesn’t even think about porn now but if it were that easy wouldn’t he have fixed this a long time ago? I think think he’s taking more steps to avoid being caught. You can’t go from watching porn while driving to suddenly not thinking about it.


----------



## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

@moulinyx How are things going? is the trust thing getting any better? do you still feel like he is sneaking around? Hope it is improving.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Pip’sJourney said:


> @moulinyx How are things going? is the trust thing getting any better? do you still feel like he is sneaking around? Hope it is improving.


Thank you for checking in! Things are still very rocky for us. I have taken time to distance myself and reverse codependent behaviors I had developed while I was trying to get him to “pick me”. I honestly just feel empty and numb now that the dust has settled - I am very resentful.

I wouldn’t say trust has improved. I just stopped caring entirely. He claims I am getting the “real him” now….but it’s hard to decipher what is a truth or a lie at this point after hearing these lines for so long. And it feels pathetic begging someone to pick a real person over porn. I won’t beg anymore.

I have consulted with a lawyer but I am still in a weird limbo. I don’t know what is holding me back at this time. I am having a hard time letting go I suppose.


----------



## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

@moulinyx the "pick me" thing is so hard. Especially when the trust is gone and the hurt is there. For me, the not knowing what the truth is would be the hardest. How do you know he is not doing things behind your back? when you have been lied to and sneaked around on.. it is hard to not become the police. Which is an unfair position to put you in. 
Don't feel pathetic..EVER. I think you are just hurt and that makes you want him to choose you. The reality is that porn is easy and a REAL relationship is hard... feelings are hard..communicating them are hard..and not lying is hard(once the web of lies have started)

I too am trying to find trust again in my partner. The thoughts of them sneaking around..lying etc just bounces around in my head and makes me a bit wacky. Maybe I need to let go too.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> Thank you for checking in! Things are still very rocky for us. I have taken time to distance myself and reverse codependent behaviors I had developed while I was trying to get him to “pick me”. I honestly just feel empty and numb now that the dust has settled - I am very resentful.
> 
> I wouldn’t say trust has improved. I just stopped caring entirely. He claims I am getting the “real him” now….but it’s hard to decipher what is a truth or a lie at this point after hearing these lines for so long. And it feels pathetic begging someone to pick a real person over porn. I won’t beg anymore.
> 
> I have consulted with a lawyer but I am still in a weird limbo. I don’t know what is holding me back at this time. I am having a hard time letting go I suppose.


I must have missed this the first time you started this thread...I am SO sorry you are at this point. I KNOW how you are feeling, and I couldn't even read all of your posts because they just HURT me and bring me back to where I was two years ago...

Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out for you. It's a horrible journey to be sure, but just take your time. DO NOT feel like you are obligated in any way to forgive him - what he did was an epic betrayal on par with infidelity (as far as the deception and gaslighting), and takes a LONG time to recover from, if it's even possible.

It's NOT that you are having a hard time letting go...it's that he shattered your connection and trust, so there is nothing to hang on to anymore. It's not on YOU to repair that, so if you don't feel anything, own that until you do (if ever), so that you are an advocate for yourself. 

And TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So the new thread about being ready to move on isn’t quite there?


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Openminded said:


> So the new thread about being ready to move on isn’t quite there?


I feel very mind over matter. I have met with the lawyer, gathered information on what we have to divide/agree on regarding custody, and started looking for new homes. No, I am not ready but that doesnt mean I will not do it anyways. I dont think anyone is ever really "ready", especially when your partner turns on the love bombing to rope you back in. 



LisaDiane said:


> I must have missed this the first time you started this thread...I am SO sorry you are at this point. I KNOW how you are feeling, and I couldn't even read all of your posts because they just HURT me and bring me back to where I was two years ago...
> 
> Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out for you. It's a horrible journey to be sure, but just take your time. DO NOT feel like you are obligated in any way to forgive him - what he did was an epic betrayal on par with infidelity (as far as the deception and gaslighting), and takes a LONG time to recover from, if it's even possible.
> 
> ...


My old threads are very cringe-worthy. Its hard following the progression and then the ultimate discovery. My biggest fear is that I will miss the chance to have more children. That is such a punch in the gut and I almost wish I hadn't discovered everything. I asked him why he couldn't have just pulled his head out of his a** before he set his whole life on fire....of course, he is all remorseful now. I dont understand how he could let things get this bad without any fear of losing it all. 



Pip’sJourney said:


> @moulinyx the "pick me" thing is so hard. Especially when the trust is gone and the hurt is there. For me, the not knowing what the truth is would be the hardest. How do you know he is not doing things behind your back? when you have been lied to and sneaked around on.. it is hard to not become the police. Which is an unfair position to put you in.
> Don't feel pathetic..EVER. I think you are just hurt and that makes you want him to choose you. The reality is that porn is easy and a REAL relationship is hard... feelings are hard..communicating them are hard..and not lying is hard(once the web of lies have started)
> 
> I too am trying to find trust again in my partner. The thoughts of them sneaking around..lying etc just bounces around in my head and makes me a bit wacky. Maybe I need to let go too.


Ignorance really is bliss! I dont think its possible to get back to a non-policing dynamic after so much lying and sneaking around. I feel like I didn't know who I was married to....which is really sad. I am sorry you are also experiencing the intrusive thoughts! They ruin my day as well.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think many of us didn’t really know who we were marrying. I certainly didn’t. Looking back, I can see red flags flying but they were so tiny (I thought) that they didn’t really register as the problem that they became. I fought getting a divorce for decades because … “reasons” (and there usually are). He definitely didn’t want one and tried very hard to convince me not to but I was tired of the promises and lies and secrecy. It was the best decision of my life and my only regret is that I didn’t do it much sooner because I can’t get all the lost time back. But I manage to save the future.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Openminded said:


> I think many of us didn’t really know who we were marrying. I certainly didn’t. Looking back, I can see red flags flying but they were so tiny (I thought) that they didn’t really register as the problem that they became. I fought getting a divorce for decades because … “reasons” (and there usually are). He definitely didn’t want one and tried very hard to convince me not to but I was tired of the promises and lies and secrecy. It was the best decision of my life and my only regret is that I didn’t do it much sooner because I can’t get all the lost time back. But I manage to save the future.


That is exactly how I feel. It’s an awful position to be in. The easy way out would lead to a sad, lackluster life. I’m glad you can attest to the hard choice being worth it.


----------

