# everything a mess..not sure what to do.



## emo (May 10, 2009)

hello,

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years (living together 8)....and I have come to a point where I would like a trial separation from him. 
When we first decided to try a real relationship (about 9 years ago), we lived together for a period of about 2 months, I had signed a contract to go overseas to be a teacher, and knew I would need to honour that contract to pay off a huge student loan. At the end of our 2 months of living together, there was no commitment made, and assumed, he had just been interested in some fun for that 2 months, as we had never said, or agreed to anything different. I was planning on visiting a man in Italy before going to my overseas job, my future husband found out, freaked, (as I had hidden it from him) and THEN said, "ok, Lets be exclusive, lets be long distance 'boyfriend and girlfriend' for the time you are away." (this time period was going to be about 10 months with visits)..I agreed. (and also cancelled the trip to Italy)
Fast forward about 6 months, of me being totally faithful, not even LOOKING at another guy..since this is what we had AGREED to, and I find out he had sex without a condom multiple times with different women, getting one pregnant, ...and this was at the same time he was visiting ME...having unprotected sex. Needless to say, I was very sad, and angry, ..but allowed him to join me overseas to 'prove' his love to me. His excuses for these instances of cheating was that 'i had left him'...which is true, but he was the one that asked ME to be exclusive...he was the one that set things up that way, and then had fun while i stayed COMPLETELY FAITHFUL...it was about control, I think. 
To me, allowing him to come and join me overseas, after such a breach in trust, was a MASSIVE leap of faith, and if I had told any of my friends about it, they would have considered me a lunatic to let him come and live with me after that. 
We had to get 'married' to get him a working visa, and one year after he moved overseas, we were married 'for real' with family and friends in attendance. We had a little girl about 10 months after.

When our daughter was about 2, he had another affair one summer, when we were home for the holidays. He was doing a degree while working full time, and I was pretty much left on my own for those first 2 years of her life, overseas, young mom, with virtually no support system at all. I struggled IN A BIG WAY..was very needy, and asked a lot from him in terms of support emotionally..and was often left empty handed. IT was at that time, that he felt HIS needs were not being met, and had this affair that started as MSN chat, crossing the line and overall was over a period of about 9months, although they were only physical about 5 times in that period. When I found out..about a year after it ended..he talked about how 'proud' he was that HE had ended it, and that it had nothing to do with being caught. He swore there were no true feelings for her, and that he loved me. It was hard, i struggled but forgave him again.

We had a son shortly after i found out about this affair. About 4 months after he was born, my husband told me that he had had a sexual experience with a professional. (prostitute) He didnt have to tell me this, but felt he should be honest about it. It was about that time, I started to just build up a wall against him, I had been hurt, burned, neglected for such a long time, it was like i truly no longer cared. 

Now it is now, and I have found someone that has truly made me feel special and loved and valuable. I cant remember the last time i truly felt like that, and it was sooo nice. 

I kissed this man, and enjoyed it, and it felt sooo nice to be truly connected to someone. I then found a condom receipt in my husband's bag (we havent used condoms for about 4 years)...and since the conclusions of this find were pretty obvious to me, I decided I would pursue this other man, and we did have a full-blown affair. Upon confrontration about the condom receipt, my husband claimed it was the mistake of the hotel, and there is part of me that feels this could be true! 

However, I really feel just ready to try out something else now, after feeling truly disrespected, disconnected and taken for granted for almost 8 years. It is an overwhelming desire to be separated from my husband, and just try new things.


My husband however has decided that he has suddenly 'become a new man' '
(upon finding out about the affair between me and the other man)...has had an epiphany, and now will start spending time with me and our kids, and will be emotionally available. But a big part of me has already moved on, i LOVE him, and want to be his friend, so much of him i like and would love to continue having a relationship on a platonic level, but simply no longer trust him with my heart.

He asked that I no longer see the other man, which i agreed to, but we slipped and did see each other and had sex once again..which my husband found out about. I know it was not an OK thing to do, and will make sure it doesnt happen again, while my husband and I are trying to figure out what to do. 

I am the one that has recently cheated, I AM THE BAD ONE< but I am also the one that wants to separate,... I would love for him to date and try out some other experiences too, which he insists he now has no interest in. He also feels he does not want to be seperated. 

I want us to have a situation where we are friendly and caring with one another, and do the child raising together as much as possible ( NOT interested in the 3 days at yours 4 days at mine thing)...but I am afraid if we do separate he will insist on this. It makes me feel sick. 

Anyways, a loooong story I know, ...interesting that he has posted on here too it looks like, but has left out a few details of his indiscretions, leaving me look like a REALLY REALLY bad person, but oh well, i guess that is what he needs.


I know just because he has had lots of sexual partners since we were 'exclusive', does not make it ok for me to seek one out, I know what I have done is wrong...and for our children I know we should try and work things out AGAIN...but is separating for a while, just to get a new perspective and get some space a bad idea? My husband feels that would surely spell the end. 

Interestingly too, he has told his family and friends, again, omitting what i feel , are some pretty major details of his own indiscretions, making me seem like a HUGE monster, but oh well, I dont even care about that at his point, just want to feel healthy again. 

Thanks for reading/advice!!!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

All I can say is wow. Why are you two still together? Why did you two ever get married? This behavior started before you were married and you expected what? For it to stop? So now instead of being the moral compass for your children you decided to find some loveing of your own? 

My opinion; He was never a commited partner, that ate away at your self worth and now you have lost enough respect for yourself to become a cheater as well. By moving in together, by getting married, by having children you kept trying to fix him but you can't, and now he has broken you down to his level. He has become a "new man" for his own selfish reasons, gee, you think he want's to be with someone like himself ? 

This is and has always been an unhealthy relationship. Things just do not work for you two as a couple, stop fooling yourselves. I wouldn't even consider separation, all that is going to do is give you both more time for indescretions. And the hole would just keep getting deeper.

Cooper


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