# wife seems depressed but says our relationship is the cause-seperated, help!



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

SO today is day one of my seperation arrangement with my lovely partner. We have been married almost 8 years, together for almost 15. We have three beautiful children aged 8, 6, and 3 who with my wife, are the light of my life.

My wife approached me saturday night and basically said she is not happy in our relationship and that she wants to seperate for an indefinite period of time. This is not the first time this situation has arisen....6 months ago the same thing happened and we had a trial seperation that lasted around 3 months, The thing is it wasnt really a seperation. I was still around all the time because of the kids and we never told them what was going on. We went to see a marriage councellor who i realize now was quite inept/inexperienced as we left with no advice or tools to improve our communication and relationship.

Part of what is soooo scary to me about this situation i that my wife displays every symptom of chronic depression except suicideal tendencies.....constant body/headaches, always tired, guilty about the quality of her mothering, no interest in sex..its like a chore for her, hard on her self about her abilities and appearance and not really motivated to do much of anything really. Ive been doing the majority of the day to day life stuff my self...she has days when she is herself which are awesome, but more often she shows flat affect and alot of impatience with me, the kids, her work, etc.

The first time we seperated 6 months ago she was unhappy with her life......torn between her duties at work, as a mother, a wife etc, and feeling like she had lost her individuality......this makes perfect sence to me as anyone who is married with kids knows that its hard to have that "you" space. 

I myself have recently kicked a 20 year marijuana addiction that i came to realize was destroying our relationship and my own self esteem......i came to realize that it didnt fix the issues i had with myself or in my life and that i didnt need it anymore.....i was using all day everyday to cover up the hurt i felt in my life...since then ive taken up playing the bass guitar, spending so much more quality time with my children and worked on listening actively and attentively to my wife.

After the couple months of our first seperation, things were awesome! There was true intimacy, more sex than in years and a real sense of togetherness. The behaviour of or kids was improving......everything was roses from november to mid january.

Then she started to be low again.....headaches, in bed early, no engagement with the kids or me, no sex....all the depression symptoms again. I ve known this was coming so i wasnt shocked saturday night when she dropped this on me after the kids went to bed. She says shes not in love with me anymore, loves me for ever, but doesnt feel in love with me. She feels her life is not on the path she wants it to be and that our relationship is the cause of her horrible unhappiness. Shes said things to me in the recent past like "I dont feel like i have a purpose, something to look forward to at the end of the day" and when she tells me shes done with our relationship its done with no emotion except anger if i ask her whats so wrong with her life....how im mistreating her. Ive changed my outlook and approach to things so much since the first seperation....ive become super dad, super husband and i feel better about myself than ive ever felt before. He comments and low mood prompted me to research depression and it made me cry when i looked at the list of symptoms for dysthymia and its textbook,

I brought up her being depressed and showed her the symptoms and asked what she thought and she admitted the possibility but holds fast to the idea that its our relationship that makes her low. Im sure its part but how is our relationship supposed to work if shes depressed and im dong everything i can to support her and getting little support in return? Its a viscious cycle that just reinforce the depressive cycle. This isnt a major depression...she still goes out with her girlfriends and stuff but they just get drunk...another symptom of depression. She has agreed to talk to her councellor and doctor about depression....she does have a history of major depression so....

So hear i am.....alone and scared for my wife and childrens well being....i see my kids monday wednesday and friday night/saturday morning is what we agreed to. Im miserable because i know that i have to do this but im convinced that me not being around anymore isnt the silver bullet to her happiness that she thinks it is.......wednesday night we layed in bed together and snuggled close while watching a movie......saturday she is miserable and our relationship is the cause and i go live with my parents.

I love her more than anything and want my marriage to last for ever. Im so ****ing scared it makes me sick thinking about it. I dont want to call her or ask her how shes feeling for fear of driving her away, but its so hard for me not to express my love and concern for her. Seeing my kids after school for a few hours a week is horrible......telling them what was happening was the worst thing ive ever had to do just for the record.i feel like ive robbed them of the innocence all children should keep as long as possible too soon........too soon.


Advice? Help? going to talk to a counciller as soon as i can get an appointment...felt that my rant here might help in the mean time

thanks for reading and in advance for any advice


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I don;t really know what to say, because serious depression needs some serious professional help - not someone on a message board playing psychiatrist. 

But my thoughts are with you. 

Be a rock for your wife and your kids. A rock is solid and reliable. It is always there. It may not always do a lot, or express a lot of emotion, but it is a constant and reliable presence - and people are comforted to know that it is there come rain or shine.


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

thanks voltaire....the enlightenment period live on, lol

like i said though, this isnt major clinical depression...she still goes to work and goes to the gym and hangs out with her friends.....its her home life, our relationship and the relationships with the kids that are off.....when i tell her shes beautiful smart and insightful she replies that she doesnt feel that way

hurts me to see her down like this.....but a rock i am and will continue to be 

a strong person doesnt walk away from adversity...they thrive in it and turn it into something positive

in good times andbad, in sickness and in health right? too many people take the easy way out instead of doing what needs to be done for the greater good of all involved


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

lovemywif said:


> like i said though, this isnt major clinical depression...she still goes to work and goes to the gym and hangs out with her friends.....its her home life, our relationship and the relationships with the kids that are off.....when i tell her shes beautiful smart and insightful she replies that she doesnt feel that way


I now realise that I have suffered from low level clinical depression for much of my adult life. It just saps your energy, your joy, your motivation, your life. you do whatever you have to do to get through life - those things that you need to do to get through your job, feed yourself, etc. - but besides that you just feel empty, life feels pointless and you don't feel like doing anything that you don't absolutely have to do.

Just because depression is not debilitating doesn't mean it isn't serious. 




lovemywif said:


> hurts me to see her down like this.....but a rock i am and will continue to be
> 
> a strong person doesnt walk away from adversity...they thrive in it and turn it into something positive
> 
> in good times andbad, in sickness and in health right? too many people take the easy way out instead of doing what needs to be done for the greater good of all involved


Good man.

You probably won't get any thanks for it, but a rock isn't a rock to get thanked. He does it because it is the right thing to do, because he is strong and he wants to be strong for those he loves.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She may be cheating. Don't ask her, do a thorough investigation - email, texts, telephone records. Has some of the symptoms. Stop by the place where she drinks see what is going on. Even if you think it's impossible, look anyway if only to rule it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

the last time we seperated i was paranoid about this and did the investigating and felt guilty about it when i found nothing. I straight up asked her if there was someone else and she said no. WIthout trust in a marriage its already over. I trust her, and also I dont see this happening because her father cheated on her mother and left them...she did not physically see or talk to him for a full year.

im not too worried about that


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> I now realise that I have suffered from low level clinical depression for much of my adult life. It just saps your energy, your joy, your motivation, your life. you do whatever you have to do to get through life - those things that you need to do to get through your job, feed yourself, etc. - but besides that you just feel empty, life feels pointless and you don't feel like doing anything that you don't absolutely have to do.
> 
> Just because depression is not debilitating doesn't mean it isn't serious.
> 
> ...


its not about whats right, its about my love for her and my family. I love her and my life more than anything and wont give it up without a proverbial fight


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> She may be cheating. Don't ask her, do a thorough investigation - email, texts, telephone records. Has some of the symptoms. Stop by the place where she drinks see what is going on. Even if you think it's impossible, look anyway if only to rule it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is good advice as a precautionary measure BUT DON'T GET CAUGHT. If she is innocent then nothing destroys trust with a spouse who has done nothing wrong than to find themselves on the end of your suspicion. It'll push her right away.

If she really is depressed IMO its unlikely that she is having an A. As I say above depression robs you of so much motivation, joy and energy that a depressed person is unlikely to have the get-up-and-go to start an affair and probably wouldn't derive too much pleasure from it. I don't think that they would get that dopamine hit from it. When you're depressed you just feel flat 24/7.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lovemywif said:


> the last time we seperated i was paranoid about this and did the investigating and felt guilty about it when i found nothing. I straight up asked her if there was someone else and she said no. WIthout trust in a marriage its already over. I trust her, and also I dont see this happening because her father cheated on her mother and left them...she did not physically see or talk to him for a full year.
> 
> im not too worried about that


Caveat emptor!


----------



## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Dear lovemywif - So sorry you are going through this. I have seen depressed people blame their unhappiness on people, places and things -- anything outside of themselves. It takes insight and courage to look within at what is going on and take responsibility for addressing it by whatever means necessary (IC, medication, meditiation, etc.). I agree with Voltaire about being a rock, and trying not to judge her. Have you considered IC for yourself for support to navigate the situation? I know it is difficult to find a skilled therapist who will be the right fit (I have struggled to find a good counsellor at a convenient location as well, and I live in a big city). Coming here is also great, of course -- do keep posting!

All Best Wishes, - A12


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

in the process of setting up individual councelling through my workplace EAP program......waiting for the phone call to set the appointment by tomorrow they said


Conrad.....not sure what you mean by that


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Latin phrase for buyer beware.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

lovemywif said:


> its not about whats right, its about my love for her and my family. I love her and my life more than anything and wont give it up without a proverbial fight


I hear you. 

But in a way you have to fight without actually fighting, if that makes sense. Trying to win her over, trying to pull her closer to you, etc. will just push her away. Just be there for her and for the children. Show your love with small acts of consideration and kindness that she doesn't need to acknowledge or return (because if she feels an obligation to return them she will resent that). 

Look at the 180. IMO you'll have to do a modified version of it.


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

conrad....i know what it means...whats the relevence

voltaire....trying to win her back right now is going to have the oposite effect for sure...my thought is to be supportive and caring; still communicate and show my love for her without expecting it back. Now that she has what she wanted (the seperation) maybe her mind wont be consumed with these thoughts of how depressing our relationship is and how unhappy it makes her and she will get a chance to think if this is what she really wants. The new seperation arrangement is going to bring new areas of stress into her life that werent there before...she is essentially a single mom of 3 young kids who wont have the day to day support she gets now. She believes that our not being together is going to make her more patient with the kids and make her want to do more with them. I really hope so but i have my doubts


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Your fight for your relationship depends - critically - on the factor of whether she has someone else.

If you choose to fight blindly without confirming this, you greatly reduce the chances of success.

So, buyer beware.


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

like i posted above........there is no proof of this that ive found and id like to think our 15 yr relationship has given me enough insite into who she is to feel sure infidelity is a non issue


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lovemywif said:


> like i posted above........there is no proof of this that ive found and id like to think our 15 yr relationship has given me enough insite into who she is to feel sure infidelity is a non issue


I repeat... caveat emptor


----------



## Asian (Nov 4, 2012)

Just telling you this from my experience, my former cheating wife now a decent wife told me exactly samething what your wife is telling you while she was having an heated affair sex with young OM. Check up on her just in case, it's for your protection. I kind the figured out when I saw massive crusty stain on my wife's undies very often and when I mentioned that to her she denied and always washed her undies right away before I got to them. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

already checked into this as i stated before.....i know her passwords and i know her usernames. found nothing and felt guilty about violating that trust


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

lovemywif said:


> conrad....i know what it means...whats the relevence
> 
> voltaire....trying to win her back right now is going to have the oposite effect for sure...my thought is to be supportive and caring; still communicate and show my love for her without expecting it back.


Exactly. That's what I meant when I said that you should fight without fighting.

Do very small things that don't require any response, thanks or reciprocation from her. If she feels she has to return the favour then she will resent it.

In brief just be the person you want her to see (which hopefully is the person you want to be - if not that's a big problem) and then let her decide. But show her too that you can be that person whether you are with her or not. As you say, do not chase her or show your desire to get back with her because that will put pressure on her. 

And, as Conrad so wisely says, it helps a great deal to know what you are up against - is this just her depression, a fantasy about "being free" (fantasy because it imagines that freedom solves all her problems whereas it will just make them worse) or an OM. Understanding her mindset will help you adjust your approach.


----------



## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

If your wife is suffering from depression then you really do need to get her to agree to getting some professional help, I recognised my wife's depression several years ago and persuaded her to go to the Doctor, unfortunately this particular quack only offered a chemical solution which did little to address the real issues, by the time she eventually got help that included counselling, I had been so worn down by the years of depression, I had nothing left to give.
there is very little help for partners of people with depression and unfortunately, if you both allow it, it will slowly strangle your marriage. If you believe she is depressed get her help, do it now and you will have the chance to hang on to the wife you love...Good luck


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

well....wife is totally in the fog i thinks. Drinking every weekend, flat affect with me. hanging out with new friends who only "want her to be happy". shes even telling people that "we" decided to seperate when that is the last thing i ever wanted.

She seems to think that she could never do stuff without me approving when we were together which is total BS. the time apart is good for both of us i now, but i feel like she is doing the 180 on me and she is the one who left. How do i approach this?

Kids are upset....they ask me every time i see them when are you coming home daddy? we miss you and the first week of our seperation when it was agreed i would have them mon, wed, friday i had them thursday too....just in the evenings though as they sleep at our home every night and i at my parents.

Living at my parents in their spare room is hard on me cause i have no space and feel like im intruding everywhere i go.....not welcome completely. Made the mistake of telling her that and she stone faced me like i knew sshe would.

She doesnt seem depressed now......shes high on the fact that shes getting what she wanted, but still looks haunted to me sometimes and her mood shifts alot towards me.....sometimes pleasent and chatty sometimes i get the kids and i walk out the door and she literally slams the door behind me.


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

been ding some soul searching about myself and our pasts and where our relatoinship started to fail. I relize now that some of it was my own inability to deal with her past and what was happening in our lives at various points in the last 5 years.

She comes from a broken home. Her father cheated on her mother and left when she was like 12 or 13. Her and her 2 brothers didnt hear a word from him or see him for over a year. I met her when she was 15 and she was a gong show....booze drugs, etc. That all cuminated with her eating a bottle of pills and ending up in the psych ward. Wasnt an honest suicide attempt but a desperate cry for help. 

Fast forwrd till she was 18.....we got together as a couple, moved to ottawa, went to school for a year then moved back. When we got together her father was living with the women he had cheated on her mom with and my wife seemed like she was trying to rebuild her relationship with her dad. This is where i failed her for the first time.

She told me about a year into our relationship that her father had abused her when she was young. When she told her mom what wass happening her mom did not believe her. I was hurt, scared and so upset for her. We talked about it and i let her know that i loved her and was sorry this had happened but that it was not her fault this happened. I barely knew her family at this time....we werent married or had kids yet or anything. She went to councelling for the suicide attempt and seemed to work through her problems but i really dnt know if she dealt with the abuse. I do know she never reconcilled with her mom about it and that her father was never confronted.....i failed

the dynamic between her parents is ****ed......he trashes her and states his dislike for her for years and her the same about him but any time she needs something he comes to do it. 

fast forward 2 years...we have our first son and her dad is super grampa. things seem like they are good between her and him....we are happy. Everything is pretty good at this time....usual young relationship problems but nothing major. we get married, etc

2 years later our econd child is born......just before her dad tells her hes gatting married and they are having a child. Within a month of this she starts to withdraw and states to me how upset this news makes her. I comfort her and listen and tell her itll be alright, but she ends up giving me the im not happy speech and things need to change. 

fast forward another 2 years.......her father leaves his new wife for an affair with my mothers best friend! what the **** is going on? next thing he is living in my basement, screwing my wifes best friend and my wife starts to get low again. then he breaks up with her cause shes a crazy ***** (of course its got nothing to do with him) Wife enters funk and tells me shes not happy with our mariage. We have limited councelling and things seem to get better. side note...he gets his daughter sundays after the divorce and brings her to our house to play with our kids after not really doing anything with my kids for a few years while he was still with his second ex wife.

fast forward 2 more years.....dad gets apartment, failed relationship....atually mves from canada to USA to live with this perfect women he met at a bluesfest. then she sends him packing and hes living in his rv in our yard. 2 months later and him and her mom are ****ing living together again! byt the end of summer we are having a trial seperation and now here we are. after things seem to be going good with us...real intimacy, i can feel her love she tells me shes done and wants a seperation.

I asked her how she felt about this thing with her mom and dad and she just sorta shrugged and said whatever. I do know her counciller thought it ws an issue cause she told me as much. She has been betrayed by every person in her life that is supposed to love and protect her over and over again...including me by allowing her father to keep ****ing with her. I feel so bad about how she must feel inside.......betrayed again by her mother, continuing to be abused by her father and me not manning up and dealing with it with her

i assumed all her baggage when we married and i just took her words at point blan. she had gone to councelling and dealt with these things and she was ok. But there were many signals to me that that wasnt the case.....we would be being intimate at times and she would just start to shake and cry and apologize and say it wasnt my fault. I knew something was triggered from her past...im not stupid but i never said anything. i just swept it under the rug like her mom did cause i didnt now how to deal with it. I could always tell she was unhappy with what happened in her life, and maybe she had dealt with it but every time her father has one of his crisis she pushes me away and i loose myself in my worry for her and we just get into a cycle of hopelessness and negativity.

I almost went to her moms and confronted her about these things....i know if would just come accross as a pathetic attempt to save my marriage to her....but shes ****ed too....she took him back after what he did to her and worse her only daughter?!

and i failed my wife by not helping her with this. i cant do this for her but i feel i need to say something to her about this

just dont know when where or how......but i know she has to deal with this if we she ever wants to be happy

am i grasping at straws? trying to do 180 and show her the man i am but i feel not putting my foot down about her dad and his repetive abusive behaviour

crazy eh....how do i man up and handle this now


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she isn't cheating, at least be on the watch for a new guy who will see her as easy pickens. All a guy would need to do is listen to her complaints, agree with what she says, compliment her, listen... Wam he's in bed with her helping her feel needed and alive

There are a lot of losers out that there that specialize in this type of woman.

You say that she goes out on weekend with friends and drinks. Alcohol is a depressant. The dynamic is already established and you are out of the house, but she should not have been spending her weekends out without you drinking.

That time is time the two of you should have been out living together, socializing maybe having fun. Not being two parents at home.

So you got associated with home, stress, parenting, hard stuff, and so you are the focus of why it's a problem.

The drinking and socializing , that you are cut out of.

You turned into the babysitter , not the partner she loves and socializes with.


----------



## lovemywif (Feb 25, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> If she isn't cheating, at least be on the watch for a new guy who will see her as easy pickens. All a guy would need to do is listen to her complaints, agree with what she says, compliment her, listen... Wam he's in bed with her helping her feel needed and alive
> 
> There are a lot of losers out that there that specialize in this type of woman.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like depression to me. It certainly wouldn't be unusual. I've heard it hits 25% of us. My wife has it bad. When someone is in a really dark place they have to explain "why" to themselves. You're there, so (assuming a depressive issue) she'd tell herself that you're her problem. I go through this every few days. If it's depression, it's a medical problem, likely due to brain chemistry. Marriage counseling won't fix it. I'd recommend she gets checked out by a competent mental health practitioner and you develop a really thick skin. If she's suffering from depression, she wants to feel better. Romance or relationships are probably not on her radar screen other than something else she feels guilty and inadequate about. Living with someone who has mental illness isn't Disneyland, but cancer would be challenging and difficult, too. "In sickness and in health, etc.". If it is depression, your leaving won't improve her life. Even when she acts like she can't stand you, she may actually need you the most. Ther are lots of folks in your situation and it very often can be made significantly better. Don't lose hope.


----------

