# Do you require an apology?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

When you are offended by your SO, do you require an apology? When you offend, does your conscience require you to apologize?

Is a friendly gesture enough for you, or do you feel words must be spoken? How thorough must the apology be for you to feel closure?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> When you are offended by your SO, do you require an apology? When you offend, does your conscience require you to apologize?
> 
> Is a friendly gesture enough for you, or do you feel words must be spoken? How thorough must the apology be for you to feel closure?


When offended I don't really feel the need for an apology.
Instead I prefer the person recognize why what they did was offensive , so that the act is not repeated either to me or anyone else.
I have huge amounts of respect of people who can do that without being prompted, cajoled or asked to do so.

I like the idea of awareness and mutual understanding between adults, especially in intimate relationships. It signals that respect is at a maximum.
When I offend someone , I apologize , to me it's not enough to apologize , but I must understand exactly what went wrong, and then explain to the other person.I hate to repeat mistakes.

If it's my wife, a loving gesture like a close hug, back rub , or sometimes she sits on my lap and plays wit my hair, is preferred over words.

The same with other people .Friendly gestures go a very long way with me.
A pat on the back, a hug , a " fist bump" of stuff like that do more for me than words.

I guess I'm that way because I feel verbal apologies can be fake and insincere. I prefer actions to words.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

And if the offense was verbal?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> And if the offense was verbal?


If it was verbal I usually shrug it off.
Not easily offended verbally.
But if I think it crosses the line then the same type of physical actions I mentioned above ,would still do it for me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes, we both do. An apology acknowledges that there is an issue, and helps prevent both taking each other for granted and a repeat of the offense.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

There may be a male/female difference here, too. Dh tends not to take things personally, and I do.

Although, I think he really appreciates that I apologize when I have made unkind remarks. Even though he knows I can't promise it will never happen again, he at least knows I can admit it was wrong.

Anyway, thanks for your response, CM. That was insightful.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

If my wife does something to offend me, she's always been good about acknowledging it and apologizing. She then follows it up with paying lots of attention: sitting together, hair stroking, doing little favors for me.

I try to do the same when the shoe is on the other foot.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I haven't really been offended by DH yet. When we don't see eye to eye and we have discussions,he'll apologize for not understanding me and I will do the same for him. I don't think either of us expect the other person to do that though.

We're still in the young stages of our marriage but I hope we can continue being courteous and kind to each other always.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sh987 said:


> If my wife does something to offend me, she's always been good about acknowledging it and apologizing. She then follows it up with paying lots of attention: sitting together, hair stroking, doing little favors for me.
> 
> I try to do the same when the shoe is on the other foot.


I bet this has really strengthened your relationship. Good for both of you!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I haven't really been offended by DH yet. When we don't see eye to eye and we have discussions,he'll apologize for not understanding me and I will do the same for him. I don't think either of us expect the other person to do that though.
> 
> We're still in the young stages of our marriage but I hope we can continue being courteous and kind to each other always.


That is really sweet. Clearly each of you cares about the other's feelings. I am sure that makes you both feel loved and respected.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I don't require an apology, which is a good thing since, as far as I can recall, I've gotten maybe a half dozen tops in the past 30 years.

I would appreciate the gesture of being apologized to a _little_ more often, particularly when she's willing to admit that she was pretty far out of line.

On of my faults earlier in the marriage was probably apologizing far too often.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

For both of is about the same, first the words followed by a hug or similar, which is usually followed by the 'offended' party saying 'you didn't have to apologize' or something similar. 

I apologize more often than him as my personality is a little more aggressive and I am quicker to use my mouth before my brain is in gear. 😳 He definitely has the better character of us both. We both value our relationship and each other more than anything else so we don't really have too many occasions needing apology.

Thinking about it, when he has needed to apologize it has been over something he sincerely did not know would offend me or make me sad. Part of the learning curve of getting to know someone, I presume. He has never repeated a past mistake. 

And I, for the most part try to copy his good nature. His influence has made me a better person. 😍


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I have never been a fan of spoken apologies. I prefer for someone to show me with their actions.

I am well known in my family for not apologising. I just find the words so hollow and useless. If I have said or done something that I regret I'm much more likely to do something nice for them as a way of apologising.

This caused some problems at the beginning of my relationship, as my H thought I didn't care because I never verbally apologised for anything. But once he learned my ways (and I learned his) we haven't had any problems.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

JJG said:


> I have never been a fan of spoken apologies. I prefer for someone to show me with their actions.


I agree with this even though I don't mind hearing and giving apologies. If there are no actions to back up the apology then don't bother.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> When offended I don't really feel the need for an apology.
> *Instead I prefer the person recognize why what they did was offensive , so that the act is not repeated either to me or anyone else.*
> I have huge amounts of respect of people who can do that without being prompted, cajoled or asked to do so.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Respect is a HUGE issue for me so if what she says feels disrespectful, I need her to at least acknowledge it for the same reasons as CM

My wife has very little tact and no filter so every once in a while she'll say something that can be taken "wrong". I'm confident enough to look through the words to see what she actually means, but I still will say something.

The problem is if a SO is disrespectful or offensive and nothing is said, the behavior, subconsciously, becomes less taboo and will happen more often.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Asking for one will get written up in the infinitely long book of my transgressions anyhow so what's the point?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I want to hear an apology every damn day for her PA. I don't get one. What I do get, on the other hand, is her showing her love and walking the straight and narrow. 

This month, January, is when she had her PA three years ago. I found out less than a year ago. So it's still a trigger like a mofo. No apologies. She's ashamed and embarrassed, but right now I would also like an apology. So I may bring something up and fish for it. 

That sounds bad I know, but when I'm hurting I need more than the usual hug and a kiss.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

So sorry, doubletrouble. Words are important for me, too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Asking for one will get written up in the infinitely long book of my transgressions anyhow so what's the point?


Sounds like you don't have a lot of power in your relationship, RlD. CM is planning to do a thread soon on power dynamics. Maybe that will help you.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

I don't want an apology. I want a person to acknowledge the action that caused the discord and use that information to at least try not to make the same error again. OR at the very least, realize how it affected/impacted the other person.

An apology is an end. Acknowledgement is a means to an end. I prefer the latter.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Yes - I would like to say I am a person who will hold their hands up and apologise, and I like this in others. I just feel more respectful of a person who can own their sh-t and the impact it has on the other person. 

Reading these posts, I would like to find a way of not feeling somewhat resentful or het up about not getting an apology. Ideally I think an apology backed up with actions is the clearest way for each party to know where they stand and not have to second guess. 

Are You Waiting for an Apology That May Never Come? - Dyanne Brown

The article in the link above is interesting and talks about how waiting for an apology can hurt you and recommends letting go for that reason. Another article I read a while back talked about FOO and how some people feel that giving an apology will doom them to having to take responsibility for other/past trangressions and so they won't go there.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It seemed like a good article, but I don't think I could be married to someone who could not apologize. I have dropped friends over their inability to apologize, and family members, too. 

Maybe my standards are just really high. But I know how much I give in relationships, and a threshold for me is the ability to call a wrong a wrong and ask forgiveness. I do it, and I expect it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Asking for one will get written up in the infinitely long book of my transgressions anyhow so what's the point?


To be true to yourself. If you feel it is necessary, say that.

RlD, do you know much about boundaries? Or active listening? It sounds like your relationship needs some work.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

jld said:


> Sounds like you don't have a lot of power in your relationship, RlD. CM is planning to do a thread soon on power dynamics. Maybe that will help you.


My sense of it is that if you routinely do something requiring an apology then an apology isn't really the point. "Why do I have to remind you you're being an angry sh^thead all of the time? You don't understand or care what being civilized IS."


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

jld said:


> To be true to yourself. If you feel it is necessary, say that.
> 
> RlD, do you know much about boundaries? Or active listening? It sounds like your relationship needs some work.


Are you married to a clinical paranoid? I am. Got the doctor's note and everything.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> My sense of it is that if you routinely do something requiring an apology then an apology isn't really the point. "Why do I have to remind you you're being an angry sh^thead all of the time? You don't understand or care what being civilized IS."


She's saying that to you? How about responding, "I feel hurt when I hear that." Would that help?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Are you married to a clinical paranoid? I am. Got the doctor's note and everything.


No, I am married to a wonderfully healthy man. I am sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how challenging that is.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I got an unsolicited apology yesterday for her treatment of me and cheating. It was sincere. That helped me a little. She asked if she was forgiven, and I said yes, but only after a long pause. Forgiven and forgotten are two different things. I wonder if I've really forgiven her, because I still trigger, still get mad, still feel pain. I'm trying.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I got an unsolicited apology yesterday for her treatment of me and cheating. It was sincere. That helped me a little. She asked if she was forgiven, and I said yes, but only after a long pause. Forgiven and forgotten are two different things. I wonder if I've really forgiven her, because I still trigger, still get mad, still feel pain. I'm trying.


Share this with her. Be this transparent. Let her into your heart.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I don't know that I "require" one verbally, actions speak louder to me. If someone wants to give me one that's fine, but to me not doing the same thing(s) over and over again that you're apologizing for in the first place speaks volumes to me.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

jld said:


> Share this with her. Be this transparent. Let her into your heart.


I share these feelings. I told her last night that the pain is still right here (pointing to heart) and that it's going to take a while to get past it. But I appreciate the apology, the thought, and her actions. 

I confess that I vascillate, too. Some days I feel more forgiveness than other days. This time of year, exactly, is the time she last had sex with OM. And she knows I know that. So at least I think she's being sensitive to that. Even though that event was in 2011, I found out less than a year ago so it's fresh enough in my mind.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm so sorry, dt. I can only imagine your pain. And I feel sorry for your wife, too. How can she really make it up to you? How can she not wear the scarlet letter the rest of her life? It will always be in her heart.

I hope you two find a way to heal. And I think she carries the greater burden. How can she ever really forgive herself?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Jamison said:


> I don't know that I "require" one verbally, actions speak louder to me. If someone wants to give me one that's fine, but to me not doing the same thing(s) over and over again that you're apologizing for in the first place speaks volumes to me.


But then the reason for the action has to be removed, right?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

jld said:


> But then the reason for the action has to be removed, right?


Yes, I would suppose..perhaps intensive therapy if one can't seem to stop doing the same things over and again that they are apologizing for.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I personally don't require an apology from anyone if they were to offend me unless, of course, what it is that they've done is something that is totally egregious to either me or my family; but if I were to somehow offend anybody in any way, I'd be the very first to come to them with my hat in my hand. And I do not consider myself as a doormat!

And I'd surmise that is largely due to my deep-seeded Southern upbringing!*


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Jamison said:


> Yes, I would suppose..perhaps intensive therapy if one can't seem to stop doing the same things over and again that they are apologizing for.


Or, cheaper: Using Active Listening to get to the root cause. And both people taking responsibility for getting a change in action, including holding feet to the fire.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Good for you, arbitrator!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

jld said:


> Or, cheaper: Using Active Listening to get to the root cause. And both people taking responsibility for getting a change in action, including holding feet to the fire.


Sounds great! :smthumbup:


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

jld said:


> I'm so sorry, dt. I can only imagine your pain. And I feel sorry for your wife, too. How can she really make it up to you? How can she not wear the scarlet letter the rest of her life? It will always be in her heart.
> 
> I hope you two find a way to heal. And I think she carries the greater burden. How can she ever really forgive herself?


She hasn't forgiven herself, this I do know. And she also has the pain of knowing she put so much grief in the heart of OMW. She wears that pain every day. I can't help her with that burden.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

What is an apology? If it an acknowledgment of doing or saying something offensive, than yes, I want one.

Instead I usually get all the reasons why I am partly to blame, how it is my fault instead, and an argument ensues because I dare to bring up something he did or said that hurt my feelings, embarrassed me, etc. No remorse, no closure and certainly no acknowledgement and affirmation that he will try not to do it again.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> She wears that pain every day. I can't help her with that burden.


Maybe not right now. But if you are strong enough to heal, maybe someday.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustHer said:


> What is an apology? If it an acknowledgment of doing or saying something offensive, than yes, I want one.
> 
> Instead I usually get all the reasons why I am partly to blame, how it is my fault instead, and an argument ensues because I dare to bring up something he did or said that hurt my feelings, embarrassed me, etc. No remorse, no closure and certainly no acknowledgement and affirmation that he will try not to do it again.


And you are with him why?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Oh, all the usual reasons, kids, money, lots of years invested. But I am looking at changing things, better late than never...........


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

An apology: "You know, I was thinking about how I was treating you, and I don't think it was very nice. I would not want to be treated like that. And that is really not the kind of person I want to be. I'm sorry. Will you please forgive me?"


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

jld said:


> An apology: "You know, I was thinking about how I was treating you, and I don't think it was very nice. I would not want to be treated like that. And that is really not the kind of person I want to be. I'm sorry. Will you please forgive me?"


It would be great, but a true narcissist really thinks you should consider yourself lucky to be their doormat or be able to kiss their behind, so don't hold your breath waiting on it.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

That's not an apology. An apology is an acknowledgement that something you did caused someone else pain, loss, whatever, and that you won't do it again. You can't mix blame in it; that invalidates the apology.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> That's not an apology. An apology is an acknowledgement that something you did caused someone else pain, loss, whatever, and that you won't do it again. You can't mix blame in it; that invalidates the apology.


Are you referring to my apology? 

Can you give me an example, please?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

No, what just her posted above.

Sorry, there was quite a delay in my response and I neglected to refresh the page before I posted. So it's kinda disconnected.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

jld said:


> Maybe not right now. But if you are strong enough to heal, maybe someday.


I dunno.... I'm strong enough right now. But it's not a burden I can share. Those were her actions. I can't jusify them for her. I can't make her feel better about it. I could help her transfer blame to OM, the one who broke his vows (during their affair before we were together), but she knew he was breaking those vows and participated anyway. So it's not my burden. Add to that the breaking of her vows to me (even though we aren't legally married we exchanged rings and vows, same thing under God), and I can't go there with her. 

I liken it, in a way, to the grief she has over our family dog dying last month. This is a very painful thing. I loved that dog too, so it's not THE same thing... but I can't say or do anything to help ease her grief over the loss of her furry friend. All I can say to her is things like, "I know, honey," and "I feel that too." 

I can't say that about OMW or W's guilt over that affair. I'm still processing my own pain, yes. But to rationally separate things into their compartments, I can empathize with OMW, but not take care of W's guilt over it. Does that make sense?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you sure you still want to be together?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Yeah... my anger comes through in these posts but I have a pretty soft heart for this woman. She wants me to be happy and she's trying. In my emotional oscillations I wonder, then hope, then know, that it will be enough. Rinse, repeat....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Then consider truly forgiving her someday, and helping her carry that load.


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## Syzygy (Sep 13, 2013)

If my husband were to give a voluntary verbal apology I'd probably have a heart attack. That said, he does try to apologize sometimes with his actions.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

jld said:


> Then consider truly forgiving her someday, and helping her carry that load.


That's the hard part. Truly forgiving her. Some days I think I have, but I slip, and then I know I haven't.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *jld said:* When you are offended by your SO, do you require an apology? When you offend, does your conscience require you to apologize?
> 
> Is a friendly gesture enough for you, or do you feel words must be spoken? How thorough must the apology be for you to feel closure?


 Me & my husband have always been quick to apologize, words and actions...He is almost too much... I mean...even things that to me, were near NOTHING...he may be a little heated & something fly out of his mouth, something short...

.. I once remember him working on putting together a Computer Desk for our 3rd son, something broke, he was grouchy and he barked at me when I walked in the room...he was pissin' & moaning how it was made in China.. I had no reason to take that personally... I understood his anger..I'd feel the same !...and he comes out later after it was all over, arms around me... telling me shouldn't have gotten so angry taking it out on me, saying I didn't deserve that......It was a profound moment.. LIKE...WOW... [email protected]# I started to laugh at him even.... I remember this happening another time , he apologized for something that never crossed my mind....

Don't think one could go too much this direction.. so long as it's sincere...We don't say it unless we mean it.. If I am mad, I can't even fake it, it's written all over me....and I don't like being / feeling this way...why I need to talk it out... I can't have inner peace without making amends to those I hurt -that are important to me... starting with a







to







. 



jld said:


> There may be a male/female difference here, too. Dh tends not to take things personally, and I do.


 Although being a woman & being secondary Melancholy (extra sensitive) is 2 strikes against me -in the "taking things personally" department... I learned a long time ago how counter productive and what a waste of energy this is....we have to look at the bigger picture to the why's something was said... I try to rise above my baser nature & realize MANY times -the people speaking are speaking out of their own hurts / frustrations / having a bad day...(just like husband example above)....it may not even have anything to do with me... I need to use my brain to separate some Constructive criticism when I am in line for it (we all are at times) ...or someone just not using their better judgement in a moment. Easier said than done though! 

Like this write up jld... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/36460-art-not-being-offended.html



Sun Catcher said:


> For both of is about the same, first the words followed by a hug or similar, which is usually followed by the 'offended' party saying 'you didn't have to apologize' or something similar.
> 
> *I apologize more often than him as my personality is a little more aggressive and I am quicker to use my mouth before my brain is in gear. 😳 He definitely has the better character of us both. We both value our relationship and each other more than anything else so we don't really have too many occasions needing apology.*...
> 
> *And I, for the most part try to copy his good nature. His influence has made me a better person.* 😍


We sound just the same!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thank you. SA, for pointing out Proverbs 9:8,9. Never heard that before. Might have to be my next signature!


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## ca-nami (Jan 15, 2014)

jld said:


> When you are offended by your SO, do you require an apology? When you offend, does your conscience require you to apologize?
> 
> Is a friendly gesture enough for you, or do you feel words must be spoken? How thorough must the apology be for you to feel closure?


Yes. 

To keep the peace, and well basic social skills. :smthumbup:


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