# Time to call it quits?



## istj (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have any close friends, and I can't talk with my family about my problems as I don't want them to have any resentment towards my wife; or the expected "I told you so." from one party.

My marriage is very one sided. My wife won't work even though we need money. That is mostly my fault, I was unemployed for a period of time before marriage and I have debts. My new salary is better than OK and we'd be in better shape if my wife didn't spend so much money. If I was single, I wouldn't have any debts at all. Before we got married we talked about both of us working, paying debts, saving money and having a family and a house. But she won't take any efforts to find a job on her own. Any job applications that have been submitted, I did them.

She has been able to work for a year and a half and in that time she worked 10 weeks. Of course she needed a new car, clothes and shoes to go to work. She is addicted to shopping and hides it from me. She took out credit cards without my knowledge that I now have to pay. I know men joke about how much women shop but I honestly don't know how many pairs of shoes, sandals and handbags she has, The same for new clothes that appear every week. I do without things so she can have, but it's never enough. I don't even buy asthma medication, and she gets mad at me for not seeing my doctor for refills.

All she wants to do is hang out with her friends, have coffee, eat out, talk/text on the phone and go shopping. Her friends have wealth on their own or through relationships and she expects a standard of living that I can't afford. 

To her credit, she does a reasonable job of keeping the house half clean, I do the other half, but I also do the laundry, most of the dishes and all of the other chores. 

She won't talk with me about our problems, because they are repetitive in her mind, they are repeatative because she won't do anything to help make our situation better. She is taking medications and seeing a counselor every few months, but it doesn't help. She went through a life changing illness and came through the other side OK, but she wants to live every day like it's the last, and there's no measure of responsibility, planning or accountability. I stayed through sicker and we're sure getting poorer.

I have reached a point where I'm exhausted from not having a partner in life.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well, I am very sorry for you but if you carry on this way it sounds to me as though you will end up bankrupt. Your wife either needs to cut her spending or start earning. Either way you have to live within your means.

How do you propose to change things?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about having a talk with her and clearly explaining your financial situation? MC, maybe?

You really could end up bankrupt, you know. I would clearly put divorce on the table if she cannot curb her spending.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sounds like it's time for an ultimatum. If the marriage is important to her, she'll respond. If it isn't, you should leave.


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## istj (Feb 19, 2014)

Hello,

thank you everyone for your replies and suggestions. I'm really at a loss because I don't have any independent person to talk to. We've had many talks about our finances, and with my new position we're at a point where we can live sensibly and just get by, or if she contributes, we can pay debts and get ahead. I don't have to get monthly help from my family at this point.

I want her to budget something sensible and stick to it i.e. x dollars per day, if it's spent on gas going to the beach and coffee, lunch, or saved up to buy a new whatever, that's fine. I just can't plan for the unknown and when the known is too big, bills get paid late and the resulting credit dings and fees are not acceptable.

The initial ultimatum will be to seek counseling specific to her shopping/spending, and overall depression and apathy brought on by medications. After that, both parties need to decide what they want out of life and do whatever makes them happy.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Time for some tough love if she won't curb her spending. 

1) Open up a bank account in only your name

2) Keep the current account open and only deposit enough money in there for groceries, gas for her car and other items she needs to have during the week. Figure out a budget for those items and make her stick to it. 

3) Start getting your paycheck deposited to new account

4) Call credit card companies to issue you a new card with a new account number. If she is only an authorized user on the account, remove her. If she is on the account joint, I'd consider closing the credit card completely. 

5) Give her an allowance. (Refer to #2)

If she is going to be irresponsible and immature with the family finances then it is time to treat her like a child. As I said -- tough love. If she can't see the financial devestation she is bringing into your marriage then you are better off alone. 

She's going to get mad. She's going to withhold sex. She is also going to get sneaky. Be prepared. She's going to go into spending withdrawal and it's not going to be pretty. 

If she wants more money, she can find a job. Or a sugar daddy. 

If you don't do anything, nothing will ever change. 

I'd also ask her to pull her credit report so you can look at it. There might be hidden credit cards out there that you don't know about. If you are in a shared property state, that debt is yours too.

Edited to add: While she is sitting at home all day cleaning only part of the time, tell her to go through her closet and start choosing shoes and clothes to sell on eBay. Whatever money she receives, she can keep half and the other half goes toward paying down debt.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cut up her credit cards. If you are the earner, you can allocate an amount for her personal spending per week, and put all budgeted money for bills etc into an account she cannot access and that you use for paying bills, not your own personal spending.

My sister had an issue with spending beyond her means, but her husband pulled the purse strings extremely tight and gave her cash for the week. The rest was thrown onto their mortgage. If they had a huge unforseen bill come up, they were able to redraw to pay it (e.g. unexpected medical bill etc).

It's pretty harsh, and some would say it's controlling, but if it's a choice between a harsh lesson and bankruptcy, I'd choose the harsh lesson.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Put a stop to it now. My partners ex has mental health issues and TBH the things you have written here sound like how she behaves. 
He earns a massive wage but during the years they were married she managed to basically send them backwards financially. 

End her ways now or get out, if not you will be paying for the rest of your life.

Do you have kids? If not, then don't even think about it until this is resolved one way or another.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I know some ladies like this and being a lady myself I do not understand it. Your wife should be contributing. Life is not about her spending your money and running around with friends. She needs to get a job and spend her own money, have her own accounts and be responsible for certain financial decisions. The two of you need to work this out together. Pulling the rug out from under her and dictating or demanding behavior is only going to cause resentment and hard feeling.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

There's nothing like a little financial infidelity to make a marriage closer and more harmonious. It's one of a number of issues that my brother lives through with his wife.

IrishGirl pretty much gave OP the advice I gave my brother years ago, and without consulting an expert, I still think it's the way to go. Either way, you can't just remain a passenger in your life.

Good luck to you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Get Lifelock or set up notifications with the three credit bureaus to alert you any time anyone tries to open a new credit card. That way you will know if she's going behind your back to open new accounts. At least it will stop more credit card debt.

And I agree with the suggestion to separate all financials... open new checking account, direct deposit, etc.

But honestly, this is no way to live. It sounds like you don't have kids, so why is she sitting home on her lazy arse?

She needs to get a job or I believe you should hit the road.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are you?

How long did you date before marriage?

You say nothing about children. Assume there are none. Do you dare to have them with her?

Do you have the same values?

Is your sex life poor or non-existent?

Did your wife have a troubled childhood?

Have you thought of divorce?

Do you consider your wife's friends toxic?

Does she have positive female roll models?

Is she insecure about her attractiveness? If you said you'd paid for breast enlargement, would she jump for it?


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## istj (Feb 19, 2014)

Hello, thank you for the advice everyone. To fill in some details:

Age = 47 this year, her 39

Known = 10+ years, dated 2 years before

No children = she can't have right now due to medication.

Our values are similar & our Briggs Myers tests indicate we're natural partners.

Sex life is non existent, she used to have a higher drive than I did. Now with her medications, she has zero. She recognizes this is a problem in our relationship and has apologized. I won't have sex with someone who isn't into it.

Not troubled, but poor.

Divorce thoughts = every day for the past 2 months

Friends = toxic in the sense that they have money to do whatever they want and my wife wants/expects the same.

Positive role models = yes, her mother and sister, but her personality is different from them. They're country people.

She is insecure and getting more so. Breast enlargements are not on the table. She looks very nice, but she's put on too much weight in the past 2 years. I am 8 lbs overweight and I've started running and working out every day.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

So let me get this straight..

She spends your money, she creates more debt, she never works, she is envious of her friend's lifestyles, you do half the house chores, she's gained weight AND there is no sex at all?

This IS about 'I told you so.' This is BEYOND fixable. Just cut your losses already.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think she needs to know how bad things have gotten for you in the marriage. It's obvious she's not seeing how badly this is effecting you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Or you could just start treating her like a flat mate; she contributes half of all expenses, like rent, and the rest of her money is hers to spend. If she can't afford to have a coffee with friends, she'll have to work more.

Forgot she doesn't work at all... Maybe it IS time to call it quits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Lose the 8lbs. Smile and be happy. 

Take measures to stop her spending.

Your marriage is doomed if she doesn't cease her selfish ways.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Do you want to stay? Because I'm not seeing what's in this for you... if you still love her and want to work, I'd put her on an allowance. Maybe one pre-paid debit card per month and a small amount of cash. Any cards get opened without your permission and you leave.

But frankly, I'm guessing it's a lost cause. What kind of person only wants to mooch and not contribute? A shallow, immature one IMO. That's a whole lot for her to fix.

Good luck though, I'll cross my fingers for you anyway.


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## istj (Feb 19, 2014)

After last night's "discussion/argument" I have come to the conclusion that I can't save my marriage when I'm told that "I spend less in one month than some women spend on Rodeo in one day." and "You cannot afford to be married." She will not go to counseling. I don't know if she will fight a summary dissolution or try to get spousal support. She's talked about going home (Europe) many times before. I guess the American Dream is not all that it's made out to be.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Indeed, I don't think you and your wife are compatible in your expectations. It seems she expects to be supported financially, and you expect her to contribute. Never the twain shall meet.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Don't give her another penny, no matter what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah, I'd get rid of this one. Buy her a one way ticket back to Europe;, it'll be the best money you've ever spent.

Next time look for a woman of character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## istj (Feb 19, 2014)

Happy to report that things are going much better at home. We're talking more and spending time together. Thank you for listening. I just want to turn back the clock to the people we started out being.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How is spending more time together fixing your deep financial problems? Has she agreed to a budget? Does she still feel you "can't afford to be married?"


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