# New here - Same story with a slight twist!



## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Just thought I would introduce myself. Separated for almost 6 months, married 6yrs and together 8yrs, 1 infant child that was 6 months at time of separation. 

We had a fairly trusting marriage, were nonchalant and much like best friends that had great inside jokes. Overall, we got along really well and were really good together. I gave him all the space he needed and expected the same; I had no reason to not trust him. 

His attitude changed when our son was born. At first, he was excited. But, the glory of parenthood wore off when the realization that infants take an extraordinary amount of time and energy. My world once revolved around his day now revolved around our son.

In August, he casually went out with an acquaintance to a concert. I was supposed to go, but the sitter called off that night. This was the night that changed our lives. 

I didn't know this at the time, but she is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder that was informed by her BF their relationship of 15yrs was over and she needed to find a new place to live. She needed a new man to attach to, and my husband was ripe for her picking. The night of the concert, she kept him out all night with stories of abuse, forced drugs, forced sex slavery, suicide attempts, mental instability, alcohol and drug abuse, and all kind of other damsel in distress claims. Her accusations were against her BF who was also my husband's coworker. My husband being who he is, immediately took on the "I have to save her!" attitude. For the next 6 weeks, he lived, breathed and existed for her - never mind his wife struggling with full time job, household and infant care, plus time with his son. 

He talked to her via cell phone or text message literally all day (while at work) and all night (after I was in bed) for weeks. He occasionally reported back to me how he was "helping" her. A few weeks into this, he approaches me stating she was leaving her BF and he offered her our spare bedroom. I flat out told him absolutely not, I didn't want to be involved and I needed him to refocusing on the FAMILY. His exact words were: If you are such a heartless b**ch to leave her in such a dangerous environment, maybe I don't want to be with you anyway!

I should have kicked him out right then and there. I didn't. I thought I needed to appease him for the sake of our marriage. 

She moved in. 

As anyone can guess, it went downhill very quickly. I confronted them both for the time they spent together, they both assured me it was going to end. 

But, she already got her hooks in and was reeling him in. If he and I had a private conversation, she reacted with a suicide attempt. Yes, in my house. I was then labeled the B**ch for causing her mental instability. My husband took her side on everything. He wouldn't stay away from her, kick her out or stop being involved. There was information that came back suggesting they were screwing while I was at work. I gave him the final ultimatum - either all contact with her ends, or he leaves with her. 

And, he left. 

I packed up and moved back home 600+ miles away to be with family so I had real help with our son. He has an apartment with her in my former city. He has no intentions to leave her. He hasn't seen his kid in almost 6 months; he has even cancelled trips to visit his kid because he didn't like the rules of visitation I was enforcing (I have a court order to keep her away from our son - he wants her to have contact with our son because she "feels good" when she is around him). 

To this day, he claims they are "just friends" and he never cheated, had an affair or is currently in a relationship with her.

To this day, he blames me for the demise of our marriage - I did something back in 2007 that he just can't forgive me for (but, we bought a house together, had a kid together, and acted like a married couple until 2012?? ).

To this day, he is attacking my moral behavior. Such as this week - he is planning to tell court that I "raped him" right before I left my previous city, so I need anger management and am unfit to parent. 

To this day, he is throwing out shock statements such as "I will never be with you again!!" :scratchhead: (as if that were a question? I have no intention of rekindling our marriage, sorry Charlie).

As the time goes on with him living with mentally unstable, he has gotten more and more mentally unstable. I just can't wrap my head around this at all. 

I am so disgusted with him that it makes me sick. His lack of desire to be in his kid's life, lack of ability to take responsibility for his actions, and lack of ability to stop denying the truth.

I am also disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen. I have not been able to forgive myself yet. 

Our son is an incredible joy, he lights up my day every day.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like your focus is still all on him.

Are you in therapy?


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like your focus is still all on him.
> 
> Are you in therapy?


More like my focus is on me and how I can accept that I will never have resolution to his side of it, come to terms with his current state of mind enough to forgive myself. I have been casually in counseling, but have been without insurance until just recently as I had picked up and left - Had to get a new job, new home, new life established. 

I am moving on with my life, that is undeniable, and I have kept it together incredibly well for the sake of my son and getting our lives re-established as a single parent household. 

It stings a little every time we have court coming up and new accusations from him get thrown out there - such as the rape claim, that was fresh this week. He wants to drag me in front of a judge rather than settle our support / visitation case. I have reached a point of acceptance on the legal matters (and the cost they are coming to!) and only interact with him in a calm and business like manner. He has been childish, angry and argumentative in return - and, this is not the person that I once knew, so I am baffled as to why he is making everything so difficult when all I want is to come to terms and move on.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

What happened in 2007? Sounds like it may be pertinent but you seem to just gloss over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> What happened in 2007? Sounds like it may be pertinent but you seem to just gloss over it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We had moved to a new city and I have befriended a joint coworker (we both worked for the same employer, he saw this coworker daily and I occasionally saw this coworker when I joined up as all the guys got together after work, my husband included). 

The friendship was ongoing for about 9 months, and my husband was included in many of our conversations and outings. My husband and I transferred to a different part of the state, and I casually remained in contact with this coworker for a short time after the move. However, I ended the friendship when the coworker started doing some things that I did not agree with, and he started bashing on my husband as their personalities didn't mix well. We did have 2 different occasions that the friend and I met up for a concert that my husband could not attend. 

My husband has used this situation to accuse me of having an affair with this coworker. 

He has also accused me of having an affair with his new girl's ex-BF. His reasoning is that I absolutely must have because I sided with the BF when this girl DESTROYED his life once she moved out - he can't even get a job now because of her.

He has also accused me of having an affair with a casual acquaintance I had back home that was someone I knew from FB through a mutual friend. This person and I, ironically, never met in person until after my husband and I split.

He has also accused me of "sleeping around" with any and every man I have encountered in my day to day life, both before and after we split.

All of these accusations are untrue with no basis.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Alrightly then. Let the gaslighting begin. 

Is this the same aforementioned coworker?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> Alrightly then. Let the gaslighting begin.
> 
> Is this the same aforementioned coworker?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her BF? No, different coworker. I personally can't stand her ex and my husband knows this, but she royally messed up his life. I sympathize with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nosmallchoice said:


> Her BF? No, different coworker. I personally can't stand her ex and my husband knows this, but she royally messed up his life. I sympathize with him.


Do you know if he abused her as badly as she claimed he did?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

No....the coworker you were friendly with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know if he abused her as badly as she claimed he did?


No, I don't believe he did.

Here is my reasoning ..

When she pressed charges against him (which didn't stick - what did stick was a harassment in a domestic case), her stories kept changing. Details fuzzy. 

She and I started to not get along about the time she was preparing her court case. She would confess to my husband what she had endured, who told me. I am an extremely logical person and think in between the lines. Her details didn't make sense or add up, and she had absolutely no proof of her claims. This happened the last week of Sept, we separated Oct 11. 

Once she realized that I was blowing holes in her story, she started sabotaging my marriage. She told my husband that I had told her the night I first met her (3 yrs prior) that I told her I did not love him and remained married to him because we had property. My husband was so intoxicated with her that he believed her without validating the claim. The truth - the very first time I met her was as a casual party her BF was hosting. She said hi to me and then hid away in her bedroom. I never talked to her that night, let alone share intimate details of my marriage. Ever encounter after that has been a social function - concert, group restaurant outing, etc. 

Since going to court, she has lied under oath 3 different times within 3 different hearings. Her BF's attorney caught the lies.

In November, her "official" BPD diagnosis came out and her dominate trait (as told to me by my husband) was "manipulation."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is he possibly BPD as well and found a kindred mental illness in her?


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> No....the coworker you were friendly with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The coworker I was friendly with is the 2007 affair he has accused me of, and this accusation did not come until after we separated. He never accused me of an affair prior to us separating. I haven't had contact with that person since 2008, and since '08, we had moved our marriage in new directions including having a kid.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Is he possibly BPD as well and found a kindred mental illness in her?


He is narcissistic with untreated ADHD. From what I can find, BPD and narcissistic personalities come together like a "fatal attraction," if you will, based on several studies done of these personality types getting involved in relationships.

Her constant need for attention feeds into his constant need to be the best, and they feed into each other in a very unhealthy way due to their personalities enabling the other's less desirable traits.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just because she has not proof of the abuse does not mean it did not happen. Many abusers only carry out the abuse in private. So that alone would not make me completely dismiss her claims of abuse. If there truely was abuse she should have just left. She stayed in the relationship until she found someone to take her bf's place. She did not call the police. Did she go to a place that helps victims of abuse? 

But when we look at her lying on court and what she did to your marriage it sounds like she is a manipulator.

I also would not be surprised if, when she finds a guy better than your husband she starts accusing your husband of abusing her.

But that’s not your problem anymore. Your problem is protecting your son and yourself.

Just let your attorney do as much of the communications with your ex. Get on with your life. The best revenge is living well.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

> Just because she has not proof of the abuse does not mean it did not happen. Many abusers only carry out the abuse in private. So that alone would not make me completely dismiss her claims of abuse. If there truely was abuse she should have just left. She stayed in the relationship until she found someone to take her bf's place. She did not call the police. Did she go to a place that helps victims of abuse?


I absolutely gave her the benefit of the doubt initially because I know abuse can be hidden. However, when she:
1) started changing her story
2) started making claims that didn't make sense
3) refused help from victim services (she "didn't trust them" - but completely trusted my husband who was almost a complete stranger leading up to this? :scratchhead

She did not like me questioning her story - and, my questions were no different than a defending attorney would ask, so she would use my questioning as an excuse to 'react' (purge, cut herself or some other self destructive thing) so that my husband would turn against me for causing commotion with her. It was a doomed and toxic situation.



> But when we look at her lying on court and what she did to your marriage it sounds like she is a manipulator.


Not only did she lie under oath, but wrote my husband's disposition that he testified to. It was a fraudulent court hearing. They claimed in court that he and her were friends because I was best friends with her - that was their way of rebutting any speculation that they were having an affair. This, of course, wasn't true and I personally wasn't present in the court room when it all went down. Shady. 

Since they got away with it on her case, my husband attempted to lie under oath for our custody case - and, I had the facts to prove otherwise for that particular lie, and he was just about held in contempt.

She has not been a good influence on him.



> I also would not be surprised if, when she finds a guy better than your husband she starts accusing your husband of abusing her.
> 
> But that’s not your problem anymore. Your problem is protecting your son and yourself.


What she does to him is only my problem if it affects our son - his best interest is my main concern. My secondary concern, in the event my husband finds himself single again, is that he'll hook up with another just like her. Her mental state is a pattern with him; his GF before me was very similar and actually stabbed him. I was the first (more) sane woman he's ever been involved with per his family. 



> Just let your attorney do as much of the communications with your ex. Get on with your life. The best revenge is living well.


Thank you for this - I appreciate the support and the reminder. Sometimes we know what is best, but we are gluttons for punishment and do what we know we shouldn't anyway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nosmallchoice said:


> .......
> 
> Thank you for this - I appreciate the support and the reminder. Sometimes we know what is best, but we are gluttons for punishment and do what we know we shouldn't anyway.


I’m very sorry to hear that he has a history of being attached to mentally of women. This is not a good sign since you share a son with him. I hope it does not hurt your son over time.

It is way too easy to just wallow in it sometimes. Over time you will do this less and less.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

I am looking forward to the days that it is less on my mind. I was doing fantastic up until March hit. Our son's 1st birthday is this month, and it all came crashing home for me. Had a couple good cries, had a couple bad days, and then started to patch myself up.

Then, he called. We were supposed to have a court date scheduled tomorrow, he wanted to know if I would be there so he could see our son. First attempt to visit him thus far. Of course, conversations never remain butterflies and rainbows because he gets confrontational.

I say let's keep it about the kid, he responds back with how I wronged her. It's like he is stuck in a holding pattern and going over the same argument over and over again. 

If I remind him that he is obviously with her, he hangs up on me. 

In this case, he apparently hadn't gotten the memo from his attorney yet because our court date was postponed - he hung up on me, so we never got to that detail.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I was going through the divorce with my son's father, he was very confrontational every time we talked. It got to the point that I'd feel physically ill from even the thought of talking to him.

So my attorney sent out a letter saying that communication can only be via email. That helped a lot. I could read his email and then take some time to get my thoughts together before I responded, if I responded at all. You might want to try that.

I find it 'funny' that he thinks you wronged her? She moved into your house and took your husband from you... but you wronged her????? He's in lala land for sure.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

In his eyes, I have wronged her. One of the issues he can't get ovver is a fight we had over her being at my house. I couldn't talk privately with my husband at all because she interpretted as I "didn't like her" and would then act out accordingly to shift focus back on her while making me the bad guy. On this particular argument, he told me I was going to be responsible for her commiting suicide & it would be all my fault. My response back was if she wanted to commit suicide, go ahead & let her - I would even givve her her weapon of choice. And, mark my words, she won't go through with it beacuse all of her suicide attempts thus far were bogus & only out of attention.

His stance is that I wronged her because I "would let her die."

Another example is more recent. He helped her break into her old home & steal a few high dollar items. He left his tools behind. I was called as part of the police investigation to identify his tools.

I wronged her because I helped her ex. He doesn't see it as cooperating with police, but rather, to be vindictive toward her.

He also feels my court order to keep her away from our son is wrong & vindictive. The woman made 5 psuedo suicide attempts in my house over a 2 week period & has refused professional treatment. She reacts when my husband's attention isn't exclusively on her. But, I wronged her for protecting my son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Like I said, your husband is in lala land. He's obviously really into drama.

If my husband brought a woman home to live in my house there would be hell to pay. 

I would have said the same things you did about the suicide. The same with the police investigation. Just because they are stupid enough to rob the ex's house does not mean that you need to be an accessory after the fact.

It's a good thing that you live as far away from them as you do. It will help you and your son move on with your lives. To be honest it might be good if your husband gives up on seeing his son. He sounds like a bad influence.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It's a good thing that you live as far away from them as you do. It will help you and your son move on with your lives. To be honest it might be good if your husband gives up on seeing his son. He sounds like a bad influence.


As sad of a thought as this is, I think you could be right.

I am trying to keep amends with his family, they are wonderful people. He has painted me into a terrible person in their eyes, and I am the one that did such a bad thing by moving our son so far away from my STBXH. I had no family there, both his and my family were located where I moved to, and his family has seen our son more than he has. 

His dad wants to believe my STBXH would never do such a terrible thing like have an affair, he thought he raised his son better than that, so he has given P the benefit of the doubt every time P states they are "just friends" and I "must've pushed him away."

It all heals in time, I know. I have had my family ripped a part in more ways than just a broken marriage. 

Moving onward and upward!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In-laws believe in their cheaters.


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