# "just friends"???



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm new here so will try to explain without being a book:

Got a gut feeling something wasn't right last month so checked phone records and found an out of state number. So confronted my husband and he said it was "just friends" from someone he knew 30 years ago ( yet he had never mentioned her before), and they were just catching up ( and he admitted there was "innocent sexual flirting" ... But they had been talking an average of 10 calls a day (and texts) for 5 months, he is a truck driver so he can talk all day long. She lives 1000 miles away so I wasn't worried about PA at this point. But after contacting OW I found out she was having problems with her husband. Which when asked, my husband denied.. He doesn't know I contacted OW. Says he has NC now... ( I'm not convinced). He lied about it all from the beginning. Now since it has been exposed he is unpredictable. One minute he's saying how much he loves me...Another he's asking me if I am wanting a separation but worried about debt..( tells me he would continue to pay bills), then another he reminds me of how much more money he makes than me and that it is HIS checking account and that he has only "added" me to it. ( we have been married 10 years, I think of it as "our account". He is expecting me to just " get over it" .( because he is embarrassed and ashamed). He still has his computer password protected and keeps his FB password secret. So wondering if I should make him call her from home phone and so I can listen in without her knowing and see how the conversation goes. Figure if he wants to prove to me "just friends" it shouldn't be a problem.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not rely on your current from of gathering information...cheaters lie.
I suggest you continue to do your own investigation, focus on the OW. Find out as much as you can about her.

Second do not even consider seperation have the confidence to give your H a perception that this is a deal breaker and you will not make it easy and a full blown devorce will be in order if it continues.

Inform your H that you will be contacting a lawyer, and until he can prove otherwise, you see this affair continuing. So its his choice to be forthcoming with the pass words and be transparent or he can make the choice to have his secrets and he can move on.

Wish him the best and thank him for the wonderful memories but you need to move on and find a partner that has no secrets.

See, this kind of confidence and perception of strength will take the power away from your H and empower you. Begging and crying for your marriage will only empower him to continue. But if your H see this new stronger women that knows what she wants and is confident in moving on with out him...it will get him to think twice in what he is about to lose.

Make no mistake, most likely you have no were to go and no money to do it, but the last thing you want him to see is this. He must believe you have what it takes to bail on him if he contiues, no matter what.....perception and additude is everything when it come to fighting for a family and a spouse that is fogged in by an affair.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Actually the house is in my name only... So I would stay here. It just amazes me how he can down play the whole issue. My mother died in 04 and he actually said to me " I told myself that your mom would be so mad at me,,but I didn't even think about you" , I said "obviously".
It's hard to find out more about her. I know her occupation and where she lives. But her FB page is private. I have found a couple phone numbers that I'm going to try and contact her H. (That she says he knows they were talking, but now her and her H aren't talking....imagine that) 
I do believe that since there was no physical contact he doesn't think talking to her was wrong. The only wrong he did was hide it from me, and not tell me earlier, instead of me finding out on my own. Because I know otherwise they would still be talking.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's good that it probably hasn't progressed to anything physical, but you need to be proactive.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, then you need to act like it. Tell him that you require the password to his PC, phone, email, Facebook, etc. Tell him that you require him to stop all contact with this woman. Tell him he must write her a letter stating that the relationship was wrong, that he is recommitting himself to you and your marriage, and that he will no longer contact her and he wants her to never contact him or you. If he balks on any of these, you have to be willing to divorce.

And, be wary of a false reconciliation. Sometimes, people will give you the password to their email, but set up a secret email account. They will give you their cell phone, but buy a prepaid phone to use. Be mindful of this, but hopefully, you can nip this in the bud.

Good luck.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Hey there Numb,

My H is a truck driver too and he was on the brink of a full on EA so I can somewhat relate. You will find lots of supportive people here and get some great advice so hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Actually the house is in my name only... So I would stay here. It just amazes me how he can down play the whole issue. My mother died in 04 and he actually said to me " I told myself that your mom would be so mad at me,,but I didn't even think about you" , I said "obviously".


Down playing the whole issue seems to be a well used tactic by those who cheat. Sometimes there are big and little lies both mixed in with the downplaying where the little lies they are telling show their guilt or attempt at cover up as total deciet.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Stand firm! You cannot allow him to sweep this under the rug. Cheaters use the "just get over it, it wasn't that big of a deal" mantra all too often. It is an attempt to divert attention from their mistake and place it on you. As in you are just overreacting. Nothing could be further from the truth. Three things need to happen:

1. 100% no-contact with his affair partner.
2. 100% transparency...ie no secret passwords
3. He needs to completely own his mistake.


Trust nothing without verification, he will use all manners of deception to smokescreen his involvement with this person.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I told him that I assume he misses talking to her...his answer was "actually I haven't even thought about her"..... (WHATEVER)... 

I have found a few phone numbers I'm gonna call and see if I can get ahold of her H to see if he really knew about them talking.

Will update. And thanks for all the replies, it helps.


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## JustFriends (Nov 1, 2011)

My user name is JustFriends...He said he didn't Kiss her or have Sex....I just found this site at 3am this morning and did write a book with some simularities to your under the topic " Is Sex OK when seperated"...read it if you have time..Just Friends does mean-Forget about it, wants it to go away...it is Shame..embarressment.. We have been married 24yrs..3 beautiful girls..beautiful home...to a risk in a business venture and lost everything except our (home)..we decide to seperate and an acquainatance drops by while he is here mowing lawn she had visited with a friend of ours a year ago..He tells her he doesn't live here were going thru a divorce..1st Id heard of it...her reply was "Can I have your Number" in front of our 15 yr old daughter..Dad gives it to her lies to our daughter..and meets her in town 30 minutes later...I ran across it by accident on verizon bill...77 min conversation...pulled the texts and calls over into excel and its UGLY...18 days is all it lasted but it was very intense..400 voice min and 300 texts in 18 days...You can see when they are together...35 texts in just a few hours ...my husband is the pursuer....I called her told her to back off..she did..He moved home 6 days later....and we are trying so hard..I am poor now went from the Corp world to nothing..realized what I need today can't be bought...God intervened and I know that..but until he tells it all, we want be able to move forward....The OW has consumed my life..I fished with her and she spent the night here and she made no impression at all on me can't tell you a thing about her..except I've investigated..made my husband take me to her apt...she's never been there of course..Morning noon or night....I've caught him in so many lies...You don't forget the truth and you don't have to remember it...He is so ashamed..he was trying to move on..Men can't take the tough stuff like we do.....so he was giving it all up..We are soulmates..the Devil got ahold of him..but its better but he has to come clean...so we can heal...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I'm new here so will try to explain without being a book:
> 
> Got a gut feeling something wasn't right last month so checked phone records and found an out of state number. So confronted my husband and he said it was "just friends" red flag! red flag! red flag! from someone he knew 30 years ago ( yet he had never mentioned her before), and they were just catching up ( and he admitted there was "innocent sexual flirting" ...do you really think that any flirting from a married man to another woman is innocent? But they had been talking an average of 10 calls a day (and texts) for 5 months, he is a truck driver so he can talk all day long. She lives 1000 miles away so I wasn't worried about PA at this point. why not? If he's a truck driver, he can use that to his advantage. He may tell you he's on a run when he's really notBut after contacting OW I found out she was having problems with her husband. still gives her no right to be talking to your husabnd, especially in a sexually explicit mannerWhich when asked, my husband denied.. of course, they always doHe doesn't know I contacted OW. Says he has NC now... ( I'm not convinced). me either. he's already lying to you. Don't beieve anything he says from now on He lied about it all from the beginning. Now since it has been exposed he is unpredictable. One minute he's saying how much he loves me...Another he's asking me if I am wanting a separation but worried about debt..( tells me he would continue to pay bills), then another he reminds me of how much more money he makes than me and that it is HIS checking account and that he has only "added" me to it. he's trying to gaslight you, make you feel guilty, make you look bad. It eases his dirty conscience somehow by being all twisted like this. ( we have been married 10 years, I think of it as "our account". yes, it is your account together. Just remember, the DS will say lots of stupid things that make no sense. He is expecting me to just " get over it" .this is because he doesn't wnat to face the consequences. He wants cake.( because he is embarrassed and ashamed). He still has his computer password protected and keeps his FB password secret. more red flagsSo wondering if I should make him call her from home phone and so I can listen in without her knowing and see how the conversation goes. Figure if he wants to prove to me "just friends" it shouldn't be a problem.


it's not just friends and deep down, you know that. I do personally know how hard it is to face that truth but you gotta do just that.


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## JustFriends (Nov 1, 2011)

I know that its the stumbling block from us moving forward...Secrets keep you sick. I suggested that he take a inventory of only his self and leave me out of it..Taking responsibility is hard for him he like to shift the blame back onto me...He's really changed for the better and it is sincere although I have backed off and he noticed it..His words were are you still taking your Hormones???Yes but I backed off when I felt him getting complacent...We are learning to communicate instead of read minds...but I know it will be a stand still until he "Mans up and Tells the Truth"....I have changed alot..I put all my eggs into his basket and trusted him and it failed..I resigned from a big Corp Position of 10 years and the Job market is terrible and impersonal..Im an Accountant and really haven't had the drive. He's ruined our credit (again)...I used to fix it all and carry the load..Not anymore...I've found alot of Peace in trying to live well in spite of everyone else....The OW is still a compulsion it lasted 18 days from 07/21 until 08/12 we were seperated..Here I am thinking he will realize what Ive done for 24 years oh but no hes being entertained by this OW who pulls in my driveway and disrespects me and my girls...I have her number and would like to call and meet up with her and give her back the ball and chain she gave me...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> it's not just friends and deep down, you know that. I do personally know how hard it is to face that truth but you gotta do just that.



I am facing that... I am going to make him talk to me Thursday when he gets home. I am going to make him start from the beginning of when they met. Because they didn't even go to school together, they met through his high school girlfriend. So to me they shouldn't have that big enough of connection to talk as much as they were to "catch up". And from the first time he called her (from home)...they started talking on a regular basis like they never skipped a beat. Now today he has been overly nice and cheerful to me.... 
I do feel like he has gotten either another prepaid cell phone or at least a calling card to call her...I could be wrong but don't think so.... But if I have questions about where his is, I can check his paper logs he brings in every couple months. 
Think I'm going to try and call the few numbers I have looked up to see if one of them is OW # so I can try and talk to her H.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I tried calling the numbers I had and no luck. So now I don't know how to get ahold of OW H. Aggravating...!!!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I tried calling the numbers I had and no luck. So now I don't know how to get ahold of OW H. Aggravating...!!!


u poor poor soul. if it werent for many others before u talking/posting the same
way, i wouldnt understand yer prose/phraseology/thinking
at all.

u need to read others posts here to get better ideas than
the one(s) buzzin around in yer emotionally confused head
right now. its almost as if u r blabbering away.

poor poor soul. And, thats not mocking u in the least.
i really feel sorry for ya.

(((((hugs))))) & prayers < ^^^^^>


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

oops...cont.

for u just dont see, u just cant see, that u r wasting yer 
time thinking u r gonna get the truth outta him with
yer "demands". 

unless u know him well enuff, yer wasting yer time if u dont
learn how to "snoop" correctly.

key word: "snoop"


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

cb45 said:


> yer wasting yer time if u dont
> learn how to "snoop" correctly.
> 
> key word: "snoop"[/SIZE][/FONT]



I have figured out his passwords for computer and FB,, not found anything yet. He takes his laptop with him out on the road so limited time to search. 

So if you have more ideas, I'm open for suggestions.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I have figured out his passwords for computer and FB,, not found anything yet. He takes his laptop with him out on the road so limited time to search.
> 
> So if you have more ideas, I'm open for suggestions.


Can you put a VAR in his truck?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I can't put it in his work truck (semi) cause he doesn't bring it home, and he leaves home at 230 am so isn't on phone on way to work... and he is gone 5 days so it wouldn't last for the way home. He knows I check cell phone bill so not calling with our cell phones. So kinda stuck. Not charging anything on credit cards, he takes cash with him so wouldn't have paper trail on anything.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, I've snooped some more and now how OW's address and phone number. Getting better at this. Now to get ahold of her H.
Thanks for all the comments and advice.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Ok, I've snooped some more and now how OW's address and phone number. Getting better at this. Now to get ahold of her H.
> Thanks for all the comments and advice.



There you go...now you're getting somewhere.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, so we argued/talked again today so I could try to get some answers. Of course I got just more run around answers. Now he says she was only married for her job and that she's really lesbian..... OH please!!! And now I've gotten the third story about the text messages.

So he says that if he could turn back time he wouldn't of done it,,,well duh! I told him that I feel like he's not sorry.. he's just sorry he got caught.

I'm just really confused right now.


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