# cant decide between a seperation or divorce



## brown_mrm (Oct 21, 2007)

My husband had an affair that has lasted for 1 yr Now he has asked to come back as if nothing has happened. I just dont know what to do any advice. I love him and would do any thing for this to be true 
PLease give me some advice


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First heal yourself. Cheating has many effects on people.

IX) So what does this do to the person cheated on? 

Cheating can devastate a person emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and even physically. 

Communication ~ A cheater will use lack a communication to hide the deed or avoid talking about it. But communication is the one thing that can hold a relationship together the best and even repair it. 

Unfair advantage ~ A cheater often uses an affair as a way of getting an unfair advantage over someone. It is easy to withhold sex from your partner if you are getting it elsewhere. They become weaker mentally and you now control a source of power. After all Cheaters are usually for one's own interest, and often at the expense of others. 

Lying ~ Most affairs are never known. This is in large part because of lying. Not just one Lie but over and over again. 

Trust ~ Trust is broken and often never rebuilt and for good reason. But where trust is such an important issue to many relationships this is a key to why many end. 

Deceit ~ Like lying deceit is used to cover up the deed in hopes it will never be found out. 

Self esteem ~ Once a person has been cheated on they may lose a great deal of self esteem. Where they not good enough? Is the other person better looking? More fit? Better health? 

Vulnerable ~ Once you feel violated you worry that it can happen again. 

Unattractive ~ Why else would someone stray? 

Insecure ~ About who and what you are and stand for. Insecure about relationships and trust in another. 

Unworthy ~ Feelings of being unworthy of love or happiness. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/320-cheating-thesis.html#post1443

So ask that before you recommit to him that he pays for you to get councilling. Second he should get council too.

Cheating often leads to the ability to control anothers emotions.

Second thing to do is lay down the rules to him if he does come back it is on YOUR terms. Let him know in no way will you let him ever hurt you like that again.

draconis


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## amanda13 (Jan 15, 2009)

I have feelings that my husband might have cheated on me in some form - I told him if he had an indiscretion and he was honest with me about it we could work through it. He swears he hasn't but then says he wouldn't tell me if he did. But to tell you the truth I dont' know how I'd handle it if he did - other then him having to be fully upfront with everything he did until I could believe and trust him again - - - can you believe and trust him again????
Are there children involved - I only ask because I'm sure it would be hard for them to see this going back & forth if it wouldn't work out.


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