# Doing a trial separation-will it help?



## upset-and-hurt (Dec 5, 2014)

Hi all.
I've been married almost two years now and been with my husband for 3 and a half. After we got married the fights started badly. He never sticks up for me to his family and lets them disrespect me. Last year, I opened up a business(salon) and my husband agreed to take over the utilities until I got a handle on things and he said he'd help me financially with the business. However, a month into it I had some issues with one of my girls not paying rent. That put me in a pickle for money.. I was struggling terribly and my husband never helped which hurt me. Later on he stopped flirting with me and would tell me I was dumb when I tried to flirt with him or dress sexy for him. The fights got very bad about 5 months ago. To the point he tried to kick me out of "his house" and threatened to take time off to make sure I didn't take his things. I didn't leave because I wasn't going to be bullied out of my own house. He doesn't seem to care and when I asked him if he had any suggestions towards our married he said none.. He doesn't share how he feels so I'm not sure if he's affected or not...
My question is, do you believe this is worth a divorce?
I don't want to have a family with him but I do want a family. I feel like we're stuck even when we are okay.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well the way you describe his actions... I'd leave him.

I take it that you are still living with him?

Is the house rental? If not a rental.. did he buy it? you two buy it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

upset-and-hurt said:


> My husband and I haven't been very intimate the last 7 months and I've been trying all sorts of new position's, toys, you name it, I've tried it. I've even walked around my house naked, and he kept doing the dishes. The other night we were getting intimate and he fell asleep mid-sex... He told me the next day it was because he was so tired.... I don't know what it means but it's really killing my self-esteem.
> Anyone else have this issue before? How did you fix it? How'd it make you feel?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/236290-he-fell-asleep-during.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just realized that you have two threads going in two different sections of TAM. This is against forum rules. I think you should keep this thread and delete the other one.

One of the reasons that two threads is a really bad idea is because of what I see on your two thread. Had I not realized that you posted both of them, it sounds like two completely different marriages.

You sort of left out of this thread that your husband is emotionally abusive, that he seems to basically not care for you. So that completely changes the answer.

Here's my new answer based on the knowledge of how your husband treats you.

You husband does no want sex with you. He's resentful and angry with you. He does not really like you. so he's punishing you by withholding sex. 

He's working very hard to make you feel insulted, not sexy, etc. 

Abusers do what they do to gain control and hurt you. Look at how he's controlling you. He mistreats you. He sexually insults you. And what are you doing? Running around in circles on egg shells trying to figure out how to get him to act like a decent, loving husband.

You cannot change him or get him to act any better. All you can do it to set your own boundaries and work on improving yourself.

Your boundary should be that you will not stay in a marriage with a man who mistreats you. And with that go see an attorney and file for divorce. Move on.


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## upset-and-hurt (Dec 5, 2014)

Oh, I'm new to the site and didn't realize. I'll go delete it. 
Thank you for your responses!


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## upset-and-hurt (Dec 5, 2014)

Also, I'm at my parents for a trial separation period of two weeks. I'm 21 and he's 27. I met him when I was 18. Idk if Ive "done everything" either. I want to make sure I've fully tried before being completely over it. I just want this to end peacefully if I can if it gets to it. But he's making it difficult.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

All those issues, and only married 2 years? I think you need to look into divorce. He does not sound like the husband for you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Honestly, a trial separation will do nothing. Each has their issues to resolve, and if none change their behavior, nothing changes. Pretty much things might be better for awhile, then things will go back to the norm. The issues that you share together can' be worked on until you actually are together. If he is not seeking his own individual counseling and puts in the hard work to fix his anger, and abusive behavior, then I would simply divorce.

Plus it will probably take a long time to resolve those issues on his end. Behavior does not simply change over night.

Also, in two weeks will you even want to return. There is an almost certainty that he will continue to abuse you. It will drain your energy, and make it harder for you to leave. Abusers will show some good things once in awhile, giving false hope to keep you hooked. Until he seeks help, and major one at that, he is trained to be that way. It is how he deals with life.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I honestly have never seen a trial seperation work unless it was backed by a 180.
Too often couples contineue to engage and in the clear moments of being away from each other it just begs the question "Why am I putting up with this?"

Also the time apart isnt long enough to really miss each other.
You need at least a month.

Sounds like he has some deeper issues with hsi self esteem and his attitude towards women.


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## upset-and-hurt (Dec 5, 2014)

Thanks for the responses!
I feel the same way that a trial separation is just prolonging the inevitable. He just doesn't seem to want to try or take this serious and I don't know how to show him I am serious. We've been briefly talking on and off because we decided to keep each other posted on what we were doing. He's just acting like a friend. I miss him just not as a husband. I enjoy my time with him most days, but its not a marriage. And we bought a house almost 2 years ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want him to take you seriously, file for divorce and follow through with it. 

He'll lose you but at least he will know what you won't put up with is mistreatment.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

*Re: Re: Doing a trial separation-will it help?*



upset-and-hurt said:


> Thanks for the responses!
> I feel the same way that a trial separation is just prolonging the inevitable. He just doesn't seem to want to try or take this serious and I don't know how to show him I am serious. We've been briefly talking on and off because we decided to keep each other posted on what we were doing. He's just acting like a friend. I miss him just not as a husband. I enjoy my time with him most days, but its not a marriage. And we bought a house almost 2 years ago.


Did you purchase the home together? Whose name(s) is(are) on the mortgage?


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