# I'm not interested in sex but want to be



## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

I've been married for almost two years but for longer than that I have had a fairly nonexistent sex drive. Basically now I just have sex because I know how much my husband wants to and I feel bad. I usually can't get into it and I just want him to finish. Some of the problems I think I have are that I'm usually extremely stressed about something (I'm in medical school) and I've never had an orgasm. I know I should try to masterbate to figure out how to orgasm but I've had no desire to masterbate. And if you aren't into it then it really does nothing at all.

I want to have a sex drive. I know its a crucial part of relationships and we have fights about this weekly if not more often. I don't know what to do which only makes the problem worse to him because he's tired of me saying "I don't know".

Any help would be much appreciated.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Never had an orgasm?? No wonder you aren't all that interested in sex. I think you need to work on being able to do that, even if it's on your own to start. Have you tried using vibrators or masturbating even if you don't have the desire to start? 

Surely there are things that turn you on that you could focus on. Perhaps you need to schedule some time where you can just relax with a hot bath a a couple glasses of wine. I think if you can figure out how to give yourself an orgasm that could be a step towards how to have one together with him. Plus if you can't figure out how to make yourself cum it's going to be pretty hard for him to figure it out. 

Sometimes my wife says she has no desire to use the vibrator but once it makes contact for a few seconds on her clitoris she changes her mind. So even though you don't think you want to pleasure yourself you should put forth the effort and attempt it. Once you learn to please yourself hopefully that will open many possibilities with him.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

perfectlydark-

Leaving any psychological issues aside, there is a book called the Orgasmic Diet. I know the author (by email). The main thing in her diet is high quality fish oil. You have to take quite a bit, but it really works wonders for women. She also recommends dark chocolate. Get the 75% (or higher) cocoa type. 
If you take 1000 - 2000 mg of high quality fish oil per day, after about 2 weeks you will crave penetration.

To tell if you have the right type of fish oil, look at the ingredients you will see EPA and DHA. Add the mg of these two together. They should come to half or more of the total mg of the capsule.

So if you have a 1000mg cap. and the DHA is 128mg and the EPA is 200mg, that comes to 328 which is less than half of 1000mg - not bad, but not the best. If you take fish oil with lower EPA/DHA you simply have to take more. Unfortunately, the cheaper stuff is known to make some people very REGULAR especially when they are not used to it. So don't stray too far from a rest room 

It takes two weeks to kick in properly, but you may get a few twinges on day 3.

Eat salmon too.


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

Thanks I will try these suggestions out


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

perfectlydark said:


> Thanks I will try these suggestions out


Please report back here with the results!


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

perfectlydark said:


> I've been married for almost two years but for longer than that I have had a fairly nonexistent sex drive. Basically now I just have sex because I know how much my husband wants to and I feel bad. I usually can't get into it and I just want him to finish. Some of the problems I think I have are that I'm usually extremely stressed about something (I'm in medical school) and I've never had an orgasm. I know I should try to masterbate to figure out how to orgasm but I've had no desire to masterbate. And if you aren't into it then it really does nothing at all.
> 
> I want to have a sex drive. I know its a crucial part of relationships and we have fights about this weekly if not more often. I don't know what to do which only makes the problem worse to him because he's tired of me saying "I don't know".
> 
> Any help would be much appreciated.


Hey, 

1 out of 2 aint bad. My wife scores 0/2....


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> Hey,
> 
> 1 out of 2 aint bad. My wife scores 0/2....


Which 1 thing do I have? Sorry I'm not following


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

perfectlydark said:


> Which 1 thing do I have? Sorry I'm not following



You want to be interested...


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> You want to be interested...


Oh I'm really sorry


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

perfect,

I understand your not wanting to with no orgasm thing. My wife, mainly due to psychological boundaries with sex from being date raped as a teenager, did not have an orgasm for at least the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage, and her libido was really low.

Now that we (together her and I) have her "buttons" figured out and she has one nearly every session (sometimes multiples) she wants sex nearly as often as I do and we average about 5 times a week.

Once you get those orgasm's coming (pun intended) your libido might rise a bunch. Plus, completed sex sessions (meaning both partners have an orgasm one way or another) are GREAT stress relievers.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> You want to be interested...


that is a major plus, you (perfectlydark) recognize the issue is a problem and you also see yourself as the point of focus. alot of us husbands, like psycho and me, do not have wives who see any need to change or improve and thats very frustrating


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

LuvMyH said:


> I recommend exercise (I've read about studies that say it improves your libido) and red wine (I read that it increases blood flow to your pleasure zone) They both help me, but I think it all really comes down to mind over matter. Try thinking sexy thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the couple months I've been going to the gym almost everyday but I haven't really noticed any increase libido. I was hoping it would help but not really. I do have more energy though  but that doesn't really help the problem.

And I definitely need to work on the thinking sexy thoughts my mind wanders like crazy. It's quite a task just staying focused on the sex and not thinking about a million other random stupid things.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

perfectlydark said:


> For the couple months I've been going to the gym almost everyday but I haven't really noticed any increase libido. I was hoping it would help but not really. I do have more energy though  but that doesn't really help the problem.
> 
> And I definitely need to work on the thinking sexy thoughts my mind wanders like crazy. It's quite a task just staying focused on the sex and not thinking about a million other random stupid things.


Did you get some fish oil?


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Did you get some fish oil?


Haha yeah I actually already had some but I have a hard time remembering to take it. I bought them after we had a lecture about omega 3s and all the things they help with. Although libido was not on that list lol. But considering everything they are good for I could easily see how they could be linked to sex drive. The kind I have is 3 pills a day (lower dose per pill). When I run out of these I will buy some that are just one pill per day.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

perfectlydark said:


> When I run out of these I will buy some that are just one pill per day.


If you really want to crack this, you need the right dose. It goes on body weight. The book "The Orgasmic Diet" has all the details. Keep taking it. After 2 weeks you will probably feel something - HOT


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

Maybe if I look at this thread everyday it will remind me to take the fish oil haha.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

perfectlydark said:


> Maybe if I look at this thread everyday it will remind me to take the fish oil haha.


Humour is one of the main pre-cursors to sex, and a long life.

Actually, I am working on another route. I am doing test on a dopamine raising protocol using amino acids and supplements. I noticed that my libido went down since I started a very hard course at university. It turns out that not only will low dopamine reduce libido, but without plenty of dopamine, the brain can't function, and learning new stuff becomes harder and harder.

Dopamine is one of the main neurotransmitters, as well as the risk/reward/pleasure hormone. My theory is, that over-studying (especially when you're over 40) uses up a lot of dopamine and leaves none left for sex.

Since starting my experiments, I have more or less come back to normal, and my concentration has gone up.

If you were already on a low sex drive before you started your training, this process could have made you worse. Can you chart any reduction in drive since starting your studies?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

This thread is pretty depressing. Fish oil? Come on. 

Sex drive is emotionally driven, this has GOT to be understood and is unfortunately a victim of misguided application of politically correct thinking. 

Emotions flow from our deepest parts, our primal parts. At his deepest level, men strive to dominate. A women, at her primal core, strives to be dominated.

Unfortunately, there are many abusers in society that understand this (Chris Brown and Rhianna for a modern example), but too few of the majority of good, honest, hardworking husbands that do.

If a man is gentle, timid, and businesslike in the bedroom, he does both himself and his wife a grave disservice. The woman, regardless of how much she wants to, will simply not find a man her primal self views as weak sexually attractive.

Now the good man will not strike a woman, or otherwise abuse her, but that doesn't mean he doesn't present to his wife behind closed doors his unleashed self. The strongest man can assert himself with a look, a deadly whisper, or even a well placed smake on her behind! To much you say? Well then for the timid male let him start out by just acting extremely jealous of his wife for a day, or the next time there's a typical marriage spat let him simply refuse to back down, even if he's wrong. These seemingly trivial and even childish behaviors do a very important thing, it communicates to a lady that her man is strong, a fierce caveman at heart, her knight in shining armor should there be a dragon or two that need slaying.

And here's a hint for all men, lack of sex drive shows an emotional bond that has yet to be formed, and is a "dragon" that needs to be slayed.


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

I think you make some really good points. Thanks


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## perfectlydark (Nov 24, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> If you were already on a low sex drive before you started your training, this process could have made you worse. Can you chart any reduction in drive since starting your studies?


I think it is pretty much the same as it was before. Now of course I have less time than I did before starting school. And I'm definitely more stressed out and wanting to be left alone than before. But I think the sex drive has stayed the same.


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

thinking sexy thoughts can really help. you are obviously intellectual... you could try some steamy novels. Reading can help because it's not as in your face as porn, and if you have a good imagination you can become the heroine and morph the hero into your hubby. Works for me and makes bed time more fun for both of us! 

Also the sexy scenarios can give you a scene to imagine while masturbating. To get yourself to the big O, start alone. Imagine yourself in sexy scenarios, like your watching a movie or having a dream. It takes some focus, thats why you'll need to get there alone to start off with. If you read enough romance / erotic novels you'll learn what gets your engine revving. For some women it's all about romance (Outlander by Diana Gabaldon) for some it's erotic romance (any book by Lora Leigh). Remember suspend your logic and use your imagination.


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

FLgirl has some good points! get one of those books and an outfit that you feel comfortable and sexy in! then take a hot bath with candles, read your book, relax ,when your feeling all steamy slip into your new outfit and suprise your hubby. the suprise is the best part cause he doesnt have to know what your doing, or what you plan to do..so no pressure on you and if you dont feel in the mood he'll never know what he missed out on! You can awlays try again some other day. Sometimes theres too much stress on having sex and pleasing your spouse/S.O. that its easy to have that sex drive slip away..take the stress out of sex. Seems you have enough stress already and your right when your stressed then bam there goes the libido!


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## Ismile (Oct 22, 2009)

*If the fish oil actually works please message me! *

I'm in your boat too except I have had orgasms with a vibrator. Trust me, I NEVER EVER wanted to or cared to masturbate but then I got tired of everyone else havening orgasmed but me. Try a rabbit vibrator. The very first time I tried it I had four orgasms. FOUR. At first I only did it by myself but now my husband actually finds it attractive and it is something we can do together. It makes sex a little better because I actually feel sexually satisfied at the end of it all. Now, still I have never had an orgasm with sex, nor had one without the vibrator, but I am hoping one day that will change. One step at a time! Good luck.


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## jayel214 (Jun 9, 2011)

you guys better read this Sense of Increase!: Tips on Taking the Test Exam Effectively
you & your partners drives in sex differences


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with getting a vibrator. The key is clitoral stimulation. Try it out and see what you like and if you can get to the O..u will want this with your hubby. I can almost everytime w a vibe. Dooo it! Then have amazing sex with hubby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The Wolf speaks the truth. Last week my w attempted to take the tv remote from me. We scuffled. It turned into a half hour battle of strength, wills, and pure emotional dominance. She scratched and tried to bite me. She got a hard spanking in return. Then she started pushing all types of rescuer buttons: you are crushing me, I am hot flashing, I am having a claustrophobia attack, etc. Had me laughing so hard I almost lost control of her. Finally she said uncle.
Couple hours later she said "you man handled" me. My response "you needed it".
Her reply in a quietly happy voice was "ok". Later that night she ripped my clothes off.


f;106810]This thread is pretty depressing. Fish oil? Come on. 

Sex drive is emotionally driven, this has GOT to be understood and is unfortunately a victim of misguided application of politically correct thinking. 

Emotions flow from our deepest parts, our primal parts. At his deepest level, men strive to dominate. A women, at her primal core, strives to be dominated.

Unfortunately, there are many abusers in society that understand this (Chris Brown and Rhianna for a modern example), but too few of the majority of good, honest, hardworking husbands that do.

If a man is gentle, timid, and businesslike in the bedroom, he does both himself and his wife a grave disservice. The woman, regardless of how much she wants to, will simply not find a man her primal self views as weak sexually attractive.

Now the good man will not strike a woman, or otherwise abuse her, but that doesn't mean he doesn't present to his wife behind closed doors his unleashed self. The strongest man can assert himself with a look, a deadly whisper, or even a well placed smake on her behind! To much you say? Well then for the timid male let him start out by just acting extremely jealous of his wife for a day, or the next time there's a typical marriage spat let him simply refuse to back down, even if he's wrong. These seemingly trivial and even childish behaviors do a very important thing, it communicates to a lady that her man is strong, a fierce caveman at heart, her knight in shining armor should there be a dragon or two that need slaying.

And here's a hint for all men, lack of sex drive shows an emotional bond that has yet to be formed, and is a "dragon" that needs to be slayed.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> The strongest man can assert himself with a look, a deadly whisper, or even a well placed smake on her behind!


What do you do when the well-placed smack is answered by a well-place index finger jabbed into your eye? Ahol Kay seems to reckon about 30% of women are into this sort of thing. Dunno where he found the number, but I get the feeling he does his research, so I'll buy it. What happens if your wife is one of the 70-odd percent who are going to feel this is an assault and never, ever forgive you? 




> To much you say? Well then for the timid male let him start out by just acting extremely jealous of his wife for a day, or the next time there's a typical marriage spat let him simply refuse to back down, even if he's wrong. These seemingly trivial and even childish behaviors do a very important thing, it communicates to a lady that her man is


A total f*ckwit:smthumbup:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> The Wolf speaks the truth. Last week my w attempted to take the tv remote from me. We scuffled. It turned into a half hour battle of strength, wills, and pure emotional dominance. She scratched and tried to bite me. She got a hard spanking in return. Then she started pushing all types of rescuer buttons: you are crushing me, I am hot flashing, I am having a claustrophobia attack, etc. Had me laughing so hard I almost lost control of her. Finally she said uncle.
> Couple hours later she said "you man handled" me. My response "you needed it".
> Her reply in a quietly happy voice was "ok". Later that night she ripped my clothes off.


MEM, I think you have found a dynamic that works with your wife. However, I don't think that this will work with all women. I'm sure there are a lot of W who would have kicked their H in the **** if they got spanked and manhandled, and it would not have ended up later with her being turned on and ripping his clothes off. I think the key is finding out what works for your wife - some may be perfectly content to just have their H be a strong, capable, self-assured man and leave the smacking alone.

I'm a little disappointed with Wolf's phrase about lack of desire in a woman meaning that she hasn't formed some kind of emotional bond with her H. I don't know - sometimes I think that there's more than just the emotional aspect of it going on - I know there is for me. Desire in a woman can have many components to it - some of which may have nothing to do the man at all.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> If a man is gentle, timid, and businesslike in the bedroom, he does both himself and his wife a grave disservice.


Yes!!! That's why nice guys _finish_ last! Tear my clothes off and throw me on the bed! Not into S&M, but am VERY into a man who knows what he wants. It's good to be gentle to her emotional needs but that doesn't mean not to be aggressive in the bedroom!!! 

IM(NSH)O


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

These male centrical tactics are not going to work is she isn't in touch with her own sexuality. Sadly, most women are not, because our society has not let them.

Perfectlyinthedark, It's great that you have the desire. With that, you will find it. Is it emotional? Partly, but it is hormonal too. Society doesn't give women to be sexual, and I suspect that is at the root of your problem. Give yourself permission. I suggest you try alone first. Get some books on the subject and a good vibrator. Many women need that to experience their first orgasm. It is difficult to go looking for something if you don't know what you are looking for.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> f;106810]This thread is pretty depressing. Fish oil? Come on.
> 
> Sex drive is emotionally driven, this has GOT to be understood and is unfortunately a victim of misguided application of politically correct thinking.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

I know this is an old thread that somebody revived. But, Wolf, you don't write (or read) romance novels do you? You seem to have bought in to some of the fantasy aspects that those novels typically portray.

Yah, I do think that women are likely to admire and be attracted to what I call "manly" men - that is men that are confident but not ****y, men that are self-assured, men that are authoritative but not authoritarian. Not all women are going to appreciate a show of overt dominance - not all women are going to appreciate a smack on the rear. I don't want to be dominated - I want to be sublimated.

Did you ever watch Star Trek: The Next Generation? You know Captain Jean-Luc Picard and how he acts? Yah, I don't see him smacking around a woman to get her going. He was very sophisticated, very authoritative, and sexy as he!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Make me feel like a woman...."


ok fire up the washing machine.


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## Pteradactyl (Apr 8, 2011)

I was in your place a while ago. I thought I had a problem and finally realized the real problem was that MY sexual satisfaction was not a consideration in our sexual relationship. Our sex was completely centered on my husbands satisfaction. I truly feel that when the woman is not having orgasms the sex drive drops. Imagine what would happen if in all your sex sessions YOU had orgasms and then rolled over to sleep and your husband was left just left feeling completely unsatisfied. How frustrated and disappointed do you think he would be? How often do you think he would want it? It is very frustrating watching your mate receive such pleasure when your needs are not being met. 
In my case, I finally got the courage to talk to him and say that this was not just my fault. That a lot of the problem was that he needed to start paying more attention to my needs. I am not talking about washing dishes and taking care of the kids etc, I mean he needed to start showing that MY sexual satisfaction was just as important as his. I bought him The Real Player guide (for the life of me I cannot find the link again, but if you want it, and it is a GREAT idea to have him read, I am sure someone here has the link and will share with you). It's a wonderful guide to sexually satisfying a woman. He happily read it and we have incorporated my vibe into EVERY sex session we have. Now I always finish first and I can honestly say that my drive has gone from just about nothing to I can't get enough! 
I also had him read this article, it helped explain to him what I was going thru: How to Make a Woman Orgasm 
Not that this method caused me to have orgasms, which it didn't, but it does explain why it is important to slow down when making love to a woman...
Hope this is helpful in some way and I wish you much luck. I can say that I am so much happier, sexually, than I was when we got married 20 years ago. Wish I would have made my sexual needs a priority earlier in our lives together....


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## Goodboy (Jun 11, 2011)

This is a big problem. Because your man can hardly understand! even if he do, hardly can he be happy each time he wants to have sex and remembering the state of your sex life. It can also make your man to flirt since you can not give to him the actual thing he wants.
How ever i suggest you visit a doctor first! it could be you have estrogen problem.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Goodboy said:


> This is a big problem. Because your man can hardly understand! even if he do, hardly can he be happy each time he wants to have sex and remembering the state of your sex life. It can also make your man to flirt since you can not give to him the actual thing he wants.
> How ever i suggest you visit a doctor first! it could be you have estrogen problem.


You are joking, right? I suggest you do some more reading to get a better comprehension of hormones. It is actually testosterone that determines sex drive, even in women. However, she doesn't have a "drive" problem. She clearly stated, she "wants to be".


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## london (Jul 13, 2011)

MarkTwain said:


> perfectlydark-
> 
> Leaving any psychological issues aside, there is a book called the Orgasmic Diet. I know the author (by email). The main thing in her diet is high quality fish oil. You have to take quite a bit, but it really works wonders for women. She also recommends dark chocolate. Get the 75% (or higher) cocoa type.
> If you take 1000 - 2000 mg of high quality fish oil per day, after about 2 weeks you will crave penetration.
> ...


 hi please could you give me some more info on this does it defo work, just i feel i have tried loads of tips people have give me and nothing ever works. thanks


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