# We have lost our connection



## Blanket (Nov 15, 2012)

My husband and i have been married for almost 3 years and we have a 2 1/2 yr old son. Recently we have no connection,we dont have a friendship anymore....feels like we talk at each other and not too each other. We both realize that there is a problem but not sure how to deal with it. Cant afford councelling. He works alot and im a stay at home mom whos just feeling like ive had enough (not suicidal enough...justfed up being misrable) Im new on here,but i just was looking for some advice on what to do next...thanks in advance.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

What ever you do to resolve this, DO NOT STRIKE UP FRIENDSHIPS WITH MEN. Put all you energy into reconnecting with your husband.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You don't need a counselor to find ways to have fun together. 

While you are staying home, find ways to bring joy and surprise into his life when he gets home from work. It might be a nice meal one day. It might be sharing a funny story you find on the Internet. It could be that you left him a note in his lunchbox that called him a silly name. Although your child is young and you're very busy, you can do things with your son that makes your husband feel important and loved, too, like fingerpainting with your son/daughter and making YOUR picture about daddy, too. Go ahead and be silly, outrageous, and have fun. 

Kid crafts are perfect opportunities for you to give an adult twist that can freshen up your love life. Frisky crayon drawings, macaroni "anniversary" ring to celebrate the 42nd time you told him you love him, etc.

Make him your "king" in your drawings, or your "knight in shining armour" or other crazy thoughts that will please him.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Take control.
You want a connection, why don't you make one?


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## Blanket (Nov 15, 2012)

Thanks, i only want the friendship back with my husband i used to have....other men would only bring more stress i know that i have to work on us first!


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## Blanket (Nov 15, 2012)

Thanks Kathy,that helps some,just feel like im making such an effort for when he gets home from work....and hes too tired to do anything fun...let alone have a fun conversation with me. I feel hes giving up and i think i am too


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

What were some of the things you two used to do like when you were dating, etc? Try going back to doing some of those same things. 

Couple books that have help us: Rekindling the Romance by Dennis & Barbara Rainey and For Men Only/For Women Only by the Feldhauns (SP?) They're light readers filled with tons of information on building/reconnecting with your SP. Would your H be open to reading these with you? Also: His Needs/Her Needs by William Harley


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Blanket said:


> Thanks Kathy,that helps some,just feel like im making such an effort for when he gets home from work....and hes too tired to do anything fun...let alone have a fun conversation with me. I feel hes giving up and i think i am too


I understand completely. That's why I suggested things that can easily be worked into what you're already doing and that don't require a response from him. If you do things that build him up, then after a period of weeks or a couple of months even, you'll start seeing a positive response from him - he will look forward to those moments so coming home will be a pleasure to him. When being at home with you is pleasurable, he'll want to please you and connect with you more, too.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Blanket,

Kathy has some very good advice. You are facing a hurdle that is very familiar to so many couples. How you approach it is key. 

Have you voiced your concerns to your husband. If so did you catch his attention or did he pull the I am to tired routine. He has to slow down. I am sure his career is in an important phase but he has to make sure it is balanced so you guys are all intact for the long haul.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I think the best way for you to reconnect is for you to work on becoming the person you want to be. As a mom, I understand how draining (physically and emotionally) parenting an infant/toddler is. I'm not surprised that you feel depressed at times and you and your H have found it hard to keep the romance in your relationship going. But, at 2 1/2 years old, your child is old enough that you may be able to start doing more outside of the home. Are you friends with other moms with kids? Could you set up a playdate swap with them? Is there a reasonably priced day care that you could send your kid to 2 or 3 times a week (for 3 hours or so)? Do you have family nearby that could take your son for an overnight visit? That would give you time to exercise, pursue a hobby, reconnect with old friends. If you can make time to rediscover the person you were before you became a mom, your H may rediscover her too.

As for low cost date nights? 
Movie nights at home -- you and H take turns picking out the movie, make popcorn, turn off your phones, sit on the couch together and laugh.
Train for something together -- sign up for a 5K run and say "H I want you to do this with me."
Go bowling, play miniature golf, rent a canoe -- just get out and do something different together.

Also, I agree that reading His Needs, Her Needs might be a good place to start.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have a similar problem with my H. I used to be really discouraged by it but the conclusion I came to was that I don't think I will always have a strong connection with my H; I think it cycles, and i think that that is OK. When I think back to my history with different friends and even my family my relationship with them has always cycled between really close and distant. Different situations in my life will bring me closer to different people at different times and I think that that is OK. With certain people there is always that baseline connection that keeps us together even if we go months without talking. Then some experience will bring us closer and we will be more connected for awhile. 

I'm not saying you should give up trying to have a connection with your spouse, I haven't, but I don't think it has to be threatening and alarming. As time goes on I realize that every day we are building memories and that those memories will connect us. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate just being together on a day-to-day basis. It's not as dramatic and exciting as when we first met and were infatuated with each other but if there is little fighting then the day-to-day existing together can build a strong connection over time, IMO.


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