# Is he going to cheat?



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Our relationship has been fairly stable. In fact, we've been talking about having another child. However, I found out that my husband has been talking with another girl. Not a lot. He just received an email from her and she asked him to visit her place of employment to give a "seminar". But, it would be in his hometown. She also told him that she could help him get a job there -- and she "can't wait to meet him in person".

Now, he usually tells me everything (at least I thought so) -- but he never told me about this. Without hacking into his email, I don't know how to "watch from a far" but I'm really concerned. 

Am I too sensitive? I googled her and she's beautiful.


----------



## 505 (Aug 13, 2012)

Maybe you're just feeling insecure because she's a beautiful woman. What you quoted from her doesn't sound too bad. Just look for changes in him though--you'll be able to tell if he's doing something. He'll start taking better care of himself, perhaps distancing himself from you, etc. But try not to worry


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does he give seminars often?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How did you find out? and do you have a chance to discuss this with him? sometimes, giving a seminar can give a boost to a career. A woman offering to help him in finding a new job is not necessarily an affair.

Careers are very hard to manage especially in these recessionary times. although I would agree his letting you know what his options could be while he contemplates them would be a better way of dealing with them with his wife.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

He never holds seminars and this would be on the opposite side of the country. So, if he does go ...I would definitely have to know about it. But, it's just really bizarre that he wouldn't tell me...like "hey, honey -- I have some good news. They've asked me to do a seminar etc." As for taking a job there - my God - he can't. I"m the breadwinner and we could never relocate there. But, the fact that he has kept this secret from me -- really concerns me.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Although it could be innocent, the situation bares watching. My estranged husband got pulled in much the same way. There are women who know how to bait up a family man then reel him in. It's their specialty. 

The fact that you are the family bread winner and that your husband didn't say a word about the opportunity would make me nervous. Perhaps your husband is looking for someone to validate and acknowledge his career. This woman could be stroking his ego and filling that void. Second, if it's so innocent, why not tell you about it. It took my husband three months to tell me about some of the women contacting him--to help them with business plans.

Watch out. You may trust your husband, but you really don't know what this woman's motives are.


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

No, you have nothing to worry about as of now. Wait til he starts giving her compliments that he only gives you (just like I recently discovered my husband doing) and then you worry.

Here's an excerpt from one of my husbands correspondences with one of his business clients:

"your moves may be continuous, but they are controlled, relaxed and graceful.

it's a pleasure to see you work - seamlessly managing customers,
vendors, and business associates without skipping a beat.

you exude confidence, leadership, style, beauty and grace - certainly
a winning combination.

as always, please contact me if you need anything."

This is one of many. Funny part is, these women are totally put off by this sh!t.

When he starts doing stuff like that, start asking questions.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

It just doesn't make any sense as to why he hasn't told me about this. None. And that makes things extremely worrisome for me. 

He and I have had a communication issue for a long time. We went to therapy about it -- he promised that he would try to improve. But, every time something happens -- I keep thinking ...he is never going to change.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Well our relationship goes like this. We haven't had sex in over a month. I declined when he tried to feel me up while I was waxing my eyebrows. He had just woken up our 5 year old and tried to get him out of bed. Then tries to have sex? Wtf. We have a very strained sex relationship for reasons that are based on awkward timing and his untreated ED. 

He goes to work. We text a couple times a day. We get home. He makes dinner. I clean up. He drinks a bottle of wine thru dinner and while watching tv. That is a consistent pattern unless we go out to dinner and he will drink 2 drinks there and come home and have more wine. He's usually asleep on the couch by 9:30

Does this sound typical for a 39 year old man? 


QUOTE=ConcernedinMO;984047]It just doesn't make any sense as to why he hasn't told me about this. None. And that makes things extremely worrisome for me. 

He and I have had a communication issue for a long time. We went to therapy about it -- he promised that he would try to improve. But, every time something happens -- I keep thinking ...he is never going to change.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He definitely has a drinking problem, which leads to depression. You will need to address it.

Aside from that, have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? I suggest you read that asap, and report back.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm fairly certain that we read this when we went to MC last year. At that time the drinking was not as consistent. 

Do you think about a bottle of wine a day is extreme for a guy? I guess my concern is that it's symptomatic of deeper issues of unhappiness. Maybe I'm wrong. But he can't be happy if that's all he does in life right?

The thing is I've asked him. He says everything is great. Swears to me that "he's never been better". 



turnera said:


> He definitely has a drinking problem, which leads to depression. You will need to address it.
> 
> Aside from that, have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? I suggest you read that asap, and report back.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A bottle of wine is extreme for anyone. A GLASS of wine a day is fine. Don't accept it.

So what do you remember about HNHN?


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

He has a drinking problem. 

Yes a bottle of wine a day is overkill for anyone and not social drinking.

My husband used to drink a 6-12 pack of beer everyday to "unwind". Unwind from what--he wasn't doing anything.

That didn't help his ED from other medical issues, didn't help his attitude and did lead to depression also. While alcohol makes you feel high, it is also a major depressant.

My husband recently quit drinking beer and the change in his attitude and behavior is remarkable. Even with all the medical issues, I can actually see the man I married.

Drinking problem - yes
Depression - most likely
Counseling - definite


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

We had to do a questionare about our emotional needs. I remember that I was feeling extremely disconnected. He said he try to do better but "he is who he is". 


QUOTE=ConcernedinMO;985406]I'm fairly certain that we read this when we went to MC last year. At that time the drinking was not as consistent. 

Do you think about a bottle of wine a day is extreme for a guy? I guess my concern is that it's symptomatic of deeper issues of unhappiness. Maybe I'm wrong. But he can't be happy if that's all he does in life right?

The thing is I've asked him. He says everything is great. Swears to me that "he's never been better". 


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Our relationship has been fairly stable. In fact, we've been talking about having another child. However, I found out that my husband has been talking with another girl. Not a lot. He just received an email from her and she asked him to visit her place of employment to give a "seminar". But, it would be in his hometown. She also told him that she could help him get a job there -- and she "can't wait to meet him in person".
> 
> Now, he usually tells me everything (at least I thought so) -- but he never told me about this. Without hacking into his email, I don't know how to "watch from a far" but I'm really concerned.
> 
> Am I too sensitive? I googled her and she's beautiful.


No not to sensitive.
i think its odd how he needs to go to his home town for the seminar....this must be a women he has known.

how did you discover this information anyways?
ask him to read the email.
there has to be more than one email if its came to this so far.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

He truly tells me that everything is fantastic. He sees no problems and says his drinking is not unusual. 
He says he is very happy and we don't need MC. 
He thinks I have quite the imagination...



QUOTE=MarriedWifeInLove;985421]He has a drinking problem. 

Yes a bottle of wine a day is overkill for anyone and not social drinking.

My husband used to drink a 6-12 pack of beer everyday to "unwind". Unwind from what--he wasn't doing anything.

That didn't help his ED from other medical issues, didn't help his attitude and did lead to depression also. While alcohol makes you feel high, it is also a major depressant.

My husband recently quit drinking beer and the change in his attitude and behavior is remarkable. Even with all the medical issues, I can actually see the man I married.

Drinking problem - yes
Depression - most likely
Counseling - definite[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the problem. You are relying on HIM to change, when you have the power, yourself. What YOU accept is the deal here. Who cares whether he thinks it's a problem? YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Therefore he owes it to you to listen to you. Start owning your rights.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

My husband and I are very codependent according to my therapist. So I suppose I'm not seeing the situation with clear eyes. 

He cooks for us at dinner and he loves to clean the house. He is a bit obsessive. . That's basically his contribution to our family. He will take our son to bday parties sometimes but that's about it. Otherwise he's working, drinking at home or asleep. Dinner out is always based on happy hour. 

I have asked him to be more involved and he will say he will. I know people might say that he is wonderful because he cooks and cleans. Problem is there is very little connection between us personally. His drinking as I said is not extreme etc but he will easily have 3 glasses of wine and then insist on driving the kids. When I say NO he gets 
Mad at me and accuses me of being paranoid. 

Here's the other factor: he will go to therapy for a problem and he will change. But it doesn't last. It is usually just until I back off of him. 

I just feel bad for speaking ill of him. I just wondered if his behavior is normal. 


QUOTE=turnera;986916]Here's the problem. You are relying on HIM to change, when you have the power, yourself. What YOU accept is the deal here. Who cares whether he thinks it's a problem? YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Therefore he owes it to you to listen to you. Start owning your rights.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No difference. You STILL have control over what happens in your family. You just choose not to demand it.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I am not disputing that. You make an excellent point. 

Would you leave your spouse if this is how things were in your family?




turnera said:


> No difference. You STILL have control over what happens in your family. You just choose not to demand it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I would start enacting boundaries and giving him consequences. You can only change yourself; when YOU change your part of the dance, he has to change by default.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Just trying to see all angles of the seminar thing,the other stuff I can't even touch bc I have zero experience with the drinking thing,is it possible he didn't bring it up bc he isn't considering doing it?
my ex used to neglect to tell me things like that bc he called them non-issues that didn't need discussions bc he wasn't intending to do anything.
basically does your husband have you on a need to know basis for stuff?is it a his life/your life scenario where you get filled in only when it involves you?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's a good point. He may be ignoring her.


----------



## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

You said that you are the main bread winner and he cooks/cleans. Is he happy with this arrangement? Will you cook if he doesn't? Strained sex life is never a good sign for a 39 year old. Keep an eye on the emails and don't wait till things get out of hand. Most affairs happen when the sex life is down or when there is no connection/communication.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

827Aug said:


> Although it could be innocent, the situation bares watching. My estranged husband got pulled in much the same way. There are women who know how to bait up a family man then reel him in. It's their specialty.
> 
> *The fact that you are the family bread winner and that your husband didn't say a word about the opportunity would make me nervous. Perhaps your husband is looking for someone to validate and acknowledge his career. This woman could be stroking his ego and filling that void. *Second, if it's so innocent, why not tell you about it. It took my husband three months to tell me about some of the women contacting him--to help them with business plans.
> 
> Watch out. You may trust your husband, but you really don't know what this woman's motives are.


:iagree:

That is the first thing that caught my attention.
He didn't say anything about it, and he usually " tells you everything..........."


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

You're the breadwinner,I just read that.I know this sounds really sexist but hear me out! lol 
I think your husband might feel like less of a man bc you make the money.He's the girl in his mind and it might be causing his depression,causing him to down a bottle of wine every night,and causing him to enjoy the boost from his adoring female fan.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> *It just doesn't make any sense as to why he hasn't told me about this. None. And that makes things extremely worrisome for me. *
> 
> He and I have had a communication issue for a long time. We went to therapy about it -- he promised that he would try to improve. But, every time something happens -- I keep thinking ...he is never going to change.


That is your gut instinct telling you that something is odd.
There might be other " little " things on the periphery of your mind that's also not adding up.
Stop second guessing yourself.


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Thanks for your replies. 

I will say that my DH likes to cook. When I offer to do it, he is reluctant. Also when I try to cook he steps in and starts telling me what to do. I know how to... But he will joke that it's his kitchen. 

And we have had a strained sexual life forever. It started poorly and I know that I didn't address it so it's really my fault. I just had to resort to knowing that sex isn't everything. 

Let's just say he does NOT care about how sex impacts me. It's all about him. 




Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> That is the first thing that caught my attention.
> He didn't say anything about it, and he usually " tells you everything..........."


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

ConcernedinMO said:


> He goes to work. We text a couple times a day. We get home. He makes dinner. I clean up. He drinks a bottle of wine thru dinner and while watching tv. That is a consistent pattern unless we go out to dinner and he will drink 2 drinks there and come home and have more wine. He's usually asleep on the couch by 9:30
> 
> Does this sound typical for a 39 year old man?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Typical for a 39yo on the road to disaster. Problem drinking is progressive, over time the activity becomes more frequent and the quantity consumed increases. Biological changes around middle age (40) make heavy drinking more of a risk behavior but the drinker can't see this in themselves.

One's impaired judgement due to being under the influence combined with an opportunity like the one you have observed through email is responsible for more marital conflict than almost any other single thing I can think of. And sadly, it is all preventable. Drinking is a choice and anyone can choose not to do it. Don't ignore the 600lb gorilla in the room while you fret over the furniture arrangement.

That said, I would continue to read his email on a regular basis so you are not surprised at what might happen. That's what I do and I swear by it.

Also, drinking is a big cause of sexual dysfunction


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Thanks for your replies.
> 
> I will say that my DH likes to cook. When I offer to do it, he is reluctant. Also when I try to cook he steps in and starts telling me what to do. I know how to... But he will joke that it's his kitchen.
> 
> ...


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I don't know if I believe he is a great husband. Maybe I'm being too judgmental or having trouble seeing the forest through the trees. 

I just feel very cut off in some ways. Yes he makes dinner or coffee in the morning, but he won't sit and talk with me about anything that is deep. And the sex... Well, that's an issue too. 





Caribbean Man said:


> ConcernedinMO said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for your replies.
> ...


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I don't know if I believe he is a great husband. Maybe I'm being too judgmental or having trouble seeing the forest through the trees.
> 
> *I just feel very cut off in some ways. Yes he makes dinner or coffee in the morning, but he won't sit and talk with me about anything that is deep. And the sex... Well, that's an issue too[*/QUOTE]
> 
> ...


----------



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

He used to... As I discovered. I don't believe he does anymore. I was not happy when I learned about it, in fact I thought he was an addict. We discussed it in MC and he said he would stop. Now I have no idea. I know he has said in past that he wants sex daily. But obviously that isn't happening. 

UOTE=Caribbean Man;988082]


ConcernedinMO said:


> I don't know if I believe he is a great husband. Maybe I'm being too judgmental or having trouble seeing the forest through the trees.
> 
> *I just feel very cut off in some ways. Yes he makes dinner or coffee in the morning, but he won't sit and talk with me about anything that is deep. And the sex... Well, that's an issue too[*/QUOTE]
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My guess is that the " porn past "is one of the " little things" on the periphery of your mind.

But do not blame yourself.

If you are unsure,just check the computer's history at random. If the history cache is cleared , [ deleted ] then chances are high 
that he is still viewing it.

But your clear and present danger is this other woman. If she enters the equation,it would be near impossible and even more stressful to solve things.

Can you find out who she is or anything about her?


----------



## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

To the OP, you said that the two of you have a communication issue. Maybe that is one of the reasons he did not disclose this business relationship to you. As a guy, I am hesitating to discuss certain things that may involve a pretty woman unless I absolutely have to just to keep the peace. It also sounds like you reject him sexually. I'm sure that doesn't make him feel close either. It just seems like you judge him. He could be cheating or he may not be. But affairs come from a place and usually, the one suspecting doesn't realize the role that they play. Show him s little more understanding and be open to the things he doesn't want to discuss with you and see if that helps your communication problem. Also, I would talk about your suspicions with him. Let him know that it makes you feel insecure. It is time to be honest. Snooping around isn't helping. I would hope that your intention isn't to catch him doing inappropriate things but in fact to make your relationship stronger. Good luck to you. I hope you figure things out with your husband.


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> *Drinking is a choice *and anyone can choose not to do it.


Boy...I have so many issues with that statement, I won't even go there.

Making a concious effort to try and address the issue......now that's a choice.


----------



## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

try a website called life360.com and if you have a smartphone you can download the app. It's a free GPS app that when you input the persons cell you can track their whereabouts. 

You would have to install it on your phone and your significant others phone as well and then go in to his email click the link giving the okay. Then at the touch of a button you can locate him via GPS. It's FREE!. Check out the website.

Or try a WAR OF THE ROSES ON the radio people get busted all the time.


----------

