# Husband not wanting sex, teasing me, Dont know what to do?!



## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

I guess I will start from the beginning. 

This all started around the time we concieved our third child. March 2006. We have three kids, all close in age, (our youngest was born in November 2006, our middle son, just turned 5, Birthday is May 2005, and our oldest is 5 too... about to be 6 at the end of June, his birthday is June 2004) 

When we dated and the first few years of our marriage was great! We had sex alot. No complaining from either of us. But after we found out we were pregnant with our third, it seemed like the no sex button was pushed and it went way down hill from there. 

We had our third son, and three months later, after alot of "pushing" from both sides of our families, my husband felt like he was forced into getting a vasectomy. I didnt want him to, but he felt like everytime we saw our relatives thats all that they would talk about. They would call us the rabbit family.  So, he goes off to have the vasectomy done in February 2007. Our sex like took a real hit around that time. We went for 9 months with no sex. Nothing. He started to gain weight, right now he is at 275lbs, 75lbs over his normal weight. 
He has sleep apnea, and doesnt get the normal amount of sleep he should get. He gets between 4-5 hours of sleep each night. I try to tell him to go to bed sooner, but he doesnt. He stays up to watch tv, check his emails, or watch a movie til mid night. Then he goes to bed and gets up at 5am for work. He goes to work, comes home, eats something and wants to fall sleep. He will literally fall asleep while sitting on the torilet! :sleeping: At first I saw it being funny, but now I get mad finding him like that. He's a man in his early 30's. He should know better, as to when he needs to go to sleep and get enough sleep. This also affects our sex life too. He stays up to watch tv or whatever and then uses that to tell me he doesnt have time for sex, he needs to get to sleep for work the next day. 

He recently got his testosterone levels checked and the results came back at 150. The dr said thats half of what they should be. It should be at 300. So, they put him on some medication that he has been taking for a week now. But since then, he's been teasing me during the day. A few days ago, he told me he was going give me some sex that night. He puts on some cologne which drives me crazy with my hormones and tries to be all cuddly, and then when it comes to getting the kids to bed, he watches a movie and it turns out to be mid night or later and he goes directly to sleep. No sex. Its like he is teasing me and getting me all round up for sex and then its nothing. No sex. 

Ive asked if there was another woman, he said no. Ive asked if it was me? my physical appearance? he said hell no. Ive asked if its stress at work? he said no. He does take blood pressure medication, which he's been taking since Ive met him. I dont think it could be that because when we first met and dated and got married our sex life was great. No problems at all. He is on the same medication now as he was then. 

I feel like he is taking me on this wild roller coaster ride with our sex life. He gets me all round up during the day with the cologne, and trying to touch my boobs and such when he walks past me, tells me Im going to get some that night, and then like a bomb.... that night he says NO. :scratchhead:  I just cant figure it out. I am feeling emotionally drained. I dont know what to do. I've done things to try to spice up our sex life and he looks at me like Im a retard. Ive literally gotten to the point where Ive begged for sex. He walks away or either says no. 

I dont know what is going on? I cant figure it out. I've told him that I cant take this any longer. I want to be in a relationship where I have some physical attachment, and feel loved. I dont want to be in a relationship where all I feel is I'm a housekeeper and babysitter. I feel like he and I are two strangers living under the same roof and we dont communicate at all. I want to be close, but he never wants to be. 

If anyone here can help or give any suggestions, ideas... that would be great. Thanks for reading my novel.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

First of all, the problem is your husband's extremely low testosterone. He's still only at 300... that is EXTREMELY LOW. I know, I have been married to a man who was at that level for years before getting on Hormone Replacement Therapy.

It has nothing to do with you, at a T. level of 300, even getting an erection or keeping one will be difficult. You didn't say how old he is, but the average 40 year old healthy man should have a T. level in the mid-600's. He needs to see an Endocronologst and beging HRT immediately. The difference it will make in his life, mood, libido and outlook with be HUGE.

Oh--- and any Dr. who thinks 300 is an acceptable T. level has no clue what he's talking about.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Sierra61 said:


> First of all, the problem is your husband's extremely low testosterone. He's still only at 300... that is EXTREMELY LOW. I know, I have been married to a man who was at that level for years before getting on Hormone Replacement Therapy.
> 
> It has nothing to do with you, at a T. level of 300, even getting an erection or keeping one will be difficult. You didn't say how old he is, but the average 40 year old healthy man should have a T. level in the mid-600's. He needs to see an Endocronologst and beging HRT immediately. The difference it will make in his life, mood, libido and outlook with be HUGE.
> 
> Oh--- and any Dr. who thinks 300 is an acceptable T. level has no clue what he's talking about.


His level came back at 150 for his testosterone level. The dr said for a normal level for his age (he will be 33 in September), it should be 300. So the medication, which is called Straint, they are 30mg tablets which he takes 2 times a day, (every 12 hours) the dr said it should help slowly increase his testosterone level to where it should be within the next 3 months.

But what I cant get through my head, is if it is his testosterone levels, why in the world would be look at me the way he does when I do the things he tells me do to help "spice" things up?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Maybe he's just crazy:scratchhead:


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> Maybe he's just crazy:scratchhead:


I dont know what to think anymore. I have some close friends who happen to be guys, they are now married, they just dont have kids yet. And they cant think of why in the world he wouldnt want to have sex? My friends are my age, 29-31 years old. My husband is alittle under 4 years older than I am. But it shouldnt make that much of a difference when it comes to sex. 

Im the one thats so badly wanting the sex. I have felt this way the last 4 years. I feel like he just doesnt love me, or its me. Something about me. But he keeps repeating himself over and over again that its not me. Ive asked so many times, he gets upset when he hears the words start to come out of my mouth. He keeps saying its not me. Get over it. 

I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to end the marriage, we have three beautiful little boys who adore both me and my husband. The last thing I want to do is make their life more difficult with us breaking up over this matter. I just want thing like the way they were before. I'd like for him to hold my hand in public, want to go out with just him and I to a movie, or to dinner, etc. Just the two of us. Even at home he doesnt want to cuddle with me, or show any affection. I get 1 kiss on his work days when he leaves for work. So out of 7 days a week, I get 5 kisses. Nothing more, no hugs, no I love you's. Nothing. Makes me feel sad inside, angry, all these different emotions are just wanting to come out at the same time and I dont know what to do next.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Damn!!!.now I get why my wife separated from me...you need to let him know NOW what he stands to lose...I was unhappy in my marriage but feel guiltier for my daughters having to shuffle them back and forth between houses...LET HIM KNOW NOW!!!..I was like him but towards my wife...she left me 'signals' I didn't respond soon enough...she finally said "ENOUGH is ENOUGH it isn't even about the sex it's the lack of intimacy"...now I have to rebuild myself all over..I can't stress enough...LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT EVERYTHING...he'll love you more...unless he's cheating.


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## Shadowhealer (May 19, 2010)

mom2threekiddos said:


> I guess I will start from the beginning.
> 
> This all started around the time we concieved our third child. March 2006. We have three kids, all close in age, (our youngest was born in November 2006, our middle son, just turned 5, Birthday is May 2005, and our oldest is 5 too... about to be 6 at the end of June, his birthday is June 2004)
> 
> ...


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## Shadowhealer (May 19, 2010)

1. A good blowjob can make things different for him
2. A good voyeur of your husband's fantasy can make things different
3. Having a good movie to watch together can see him get a 
good stand
4. Look for alternative methods of silencing your desires (which gives more pleasure via esex, etalks, ediscussions and efantasies)
My most practical solutions


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

PLEASE listen to someone who has vast experience married to a man with low T. The other advice will not work because of his condition. "A good BJ" will not work with a man with a T. level of 300.

Please look at the charts here, especially the chart fourth from the top:
Male Normal Testosterone Levels - Ranges by Age in Men | ng/dl and nmol/L

Your husband is only in his ealry 30's, his T. level should be in the 600's and many men have T. levels in the 900's. 

I said in my initial post that his Dr. is an idiot and he's even a greater idiot not even prescribing your husband Androgel, Testim, or another prescription Testosterone replacement. Claiming 300 is normal" is preposterous! 

A level of 300 testosterone is LOW even for a 99 year old man. There will be very little libido or sex at such a pathetic level. It's not your husband's fault, nor your fault, it's just the luck of the draw that about 10% of men suffer from low T.

I am begging you to listen to me and get him to a competent Endocronologist. He's lucky to have this problem diagnosed at a young age. I had to suffer until my husband was 46 before he got help and it made him a totally different man.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Shadowhealer said:


> 1. A good blowjob can make things different for him
> 2. A good voyeur of your husband's fantasy can make things different
> 3. Having a good movie to watch together can see him get a
> good stand
> ...


I've suggested the oral and fantasies, but he said no to them both. Movie wise, he likes action movies, all the fighting ones, I like comedies, chick flicks. When it comes to porn, he has just shrugged his shoulders on watching it together. He said he's never watched it with any of ex's and doesnt know how he would feel about it. Kind of gave me a weird look about it. So to me that was a no. I try to be affectionate with him. Hold his hand in public, sit next to him while watching tv, in that case, he sits next to me for a few minutes and then he gets up to do something and sits on the floor! Not next to me. :scratchhead: Ive tried everything I could think of. What I couldnt think of, I went to him next and asked him what it was he wanted me to do? Thats when he said to walk out naked, go to sleep with no underwear on, flash him, anything he told me to do, I did. But it wasnt a positive response I got. It was a bad one. Like what he was saying was all lies to me.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

We posted at the same time. Please read my post above yours. 

He's never going to be interested in porn, BJ's or anything else when he has a profoundly important medical issue. Men with 300 testosterone levels have virtually no sex drive. It doesn't matter what you or any other woman will do, they have no libido. That can be fixed with HRT.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Sierra61 said:


> PLEASE listen to someone who has vast experience married to a man with low T. The other advice will not work because of his condition. "A good BJ" will not work with a man with a T. level of 300.
> 
> Please look at the charts here, especially the chart fourth from the top:
> Male Normal Testosterone Levels - Ranges by Age in Men | ng/dl and nmol/L
> ...


so what his dr said about it needing to be at a normal range of at least 300 for his age is not true? He went in to get the blood drawn himself, then a couple days later he recieved the call with the results. His dr put him on the medication and said that within the 3 months it will get back to normal range. Will this medication not help then?


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

I ask this because on the papers my husband recieved with his medication it states this:

Normal ranges for men usually are between 250 ng/dL to 1,200 ng/dL of blood (2.5 ng/mL to 12 ng/mL).


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

mom2threekiddos said:


> I ask this because on the papers my husband recieved with his medication it states this:
> 
> Normal ranges for men usually are between 250 ng/dL to 1,200 ng/dL of blood (2.5 ng/mL to 12 ng/mL).


The low end scale will mean he can function, but won't function as well. I'm assuming with that low of a testosterone level your husband is probably pretty laid back, easy going and non-agressive. The more testosterone you have the more your aggression rises and want for sex. That's the main reason why teenage boys are so damn aggressive, in a way they can't help it.

If I were yall, I'd get a second opinion to get those levels up to a more exactly mid-range level.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

I showed my husband this and all he said was, "Oh", then walked away. I really think he doesnt care about his desire for wanting sex at all. But Im going to look around and see what drs are in our area and get a second opinion.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Sierra61 said:


> We posted at the same time. Please read my post above yours.
> 
> He's never going to be interested in porn, BJ's or anything else when he has a profoundly important medical issue. Men with 300 testosterone levels have virtually no sex drive. It doesn't matter what you or any other woman will do, they have no libido. That can be fixed with HRT.


Exactly. He is probably feeling awful about himself!! He, a man who used to have amazing sex with his milf wife, who had his balls cut into and probably cannot get it up with those low levels. It's no wonder he doesn't want to be near you. My husband is extremely sensitive to the idea of a vasectomy, he always says he would be less of a man if he got one. I know those are far safer than a woman getting her tubes tied, but I will never ask that of him because I know how it would affect him emotionally. Add this physical stuff your H is dealing with... I feel awful for the both of you. You feel like it's you, and let's be honest, regardless of how often he says it his actions are saying something entirely different. It is you but it's not. He's probably still wanting you but isn't able to. In his mind he could be fantasizing about having sex with you but his body is making him feel otherwise. Therefore, you making advances gets him excited mentally, but his body isn't responding. He puts on cologne and teases you probably because he fully intends to fulfill his promise, and then whop...nothing. Poor guy  He really needs to see an endocrinologist and get his levels up. Afterwards it may change him completely but he may even need some counseling after that as well. After all, just this time without sex and how your life has changed may hold him back even when his body is feeling better.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

tattoomommy said:


> Exactly. He is probably feeling awful about himself!! He, a man who used to have amazing sex with his milf wife, who had his balls cut into and probably cannot get it up with those low levels. It's no wonder he doesn't want to be near you. My husband is extremely sensitive to the idea of a vasectomy, he always says he would be less of a man if he got one. I know those are far safer than a woman getting her tubes tied, but I will never ask that of him because I know how it would affect him emotionally. Add this physical stuff your H is dealing with... I feel awful for the both of you. You feel like it's you, and let's be honest, regardless of how often he says it his actions are saying something entirely different. It is you but it's not. He's probably still wanting you but isn't able to. In his mind he could be fantasizing about having sex with you but his body is making him feel otherwise. Therefore, you making advances gets him excited mentally, but his body isn't responding. He puts on cologne and teases you probably because he fully intends to fulfill his promise, and then whop...nothing. Poor guy  He really needs to see an endocrinologist and get his levels up. Afterwards it may change him completely but he may even need some counseling after that as well. After all, just this time without sex and how your life has changed may hold him back even when his body is feeling better.


I told him we should see the endocrinologist that our insurance covers to get a second opinion. He went to his primary care physican who put him on the straign tablets. But the more I look at charts and google information, the more I'm finding that his testosterone levels for a 32 year old male should be higher than the 300 mark where his dr told him he should be at. Im looking around at information and found that a 40 yr old male is suppose to be higher than 300, where my husbands dr told him he should be. It just doesnt make any sense at all. I did talk with him today alittle bit at how this is effecting me. I know with the vasectomy and now the testosterone levels being down, there isnt much I can do about it to make him feel better. I just wish that I didnt feel this way and feel like apart of our relationship we started out with, is gone. I feel like were two strangers living under the same roof. I really hope we find some answers and get this relationship back on track again.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Can I just add my 2c worth? As a woman (but the point still applies) who hasn't had a sex drive in 13 years, I can tell you now that it has nothing to do with you. As a result of low testosterone (by the sounds of it), your partner's libido is probably shot, or totally gone. It's nothing to do with you.. he probably finds you hot, very attractive, etc, it's just that he has no inclinations towards the ACT of sex. To someone who has no possibility of getting turned on, sex is quite a boring and sometimes even disgusting act - things that would make most people really turned on are, to someone with no libido, a bit strange. You could be the hottest person on the planet but, if your partner has no libido, he will say to himself "Jeese she looks really hot" and move on to the next topic of thought... there is no progression to the erection, etc etc that there is with people who have a libido. I know it is hard to believe, but it is actually as simple as that. I don't know how to describe it, but it is like the whole "magic" of sex is not there and you have no reason to go after it because it does nothing for you.

So it sounds like you need to follow up on this testosterone thing. You say he is flirting with you but thats it... to me that sounds like the stirrings of a libido (a small stirring but still). Since he is on this testosterone treatment and you have observed this stirring, then that sounds to me like a bit of evidence that says this testosterone treatment is working. Maybe if you get a second opinion and the doctor agrees that yes, 300 is too low for his age, and agrees to put him on a higher dose, maybe these "stirrings" will increase accordingly. I'm not a doctor but it sounds pretty logical to me. From what I read of your story, it sounds like a purely biological thing, and probably not because of issues in the relationship, how he sees you as a person, etc.

Oh one more thing (I will stop blabbing in a sec.. lol). You mentioned how he puts on cologne and promises big things but doesn't follow through. I have done the same thing (my poor partner!). If he's like me, he really does want to do what he promises and insinuates, it is coming from the heart. It's just that his body is betraying him kind of. It's as if the mind is willing but the body doesn't want a bar of it. And I have found that "horniness" comes with its own energy.. if he isn't horny (ie no libido) then it takes a HELL of a lot more effort to do all these things that, quite frankly, you aren't really into. And THAT is because of the testosterone thing. If his T goes up, his drive goes up, and he will be able to follow through on these things like he originally intended to. A lot of people underestimate sexual energy but let me tell you, you don't know what it is until its gone 

So go easy on the guy. He's probably secretly mourning the loss of his sex drive too. He may not show it but I bet he is.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

HelloooNurse said:


> Can I just add my 2c worth? As a woman (but the point still applies) who hasn't had a sex drive in 13 years, I can tell you now that it has nothing to do with you. As a result of low testosterone (by the sounds of it), your partner's libido is probably shot, or totally gone. It's nothing to do with you.. he probably finds you hot, very attractive, etc, it's just that he has no inclinations towards the ACT of sex. To someone who has no possibility of getting turned on, sex is quite a boring and sometimes even disgusting act - things that would make most people really turned on are, to someone with no libido, a bit strange. You could be the hottest person on the planet but, if your partner has no libido, he will say to himself "Jeese she looks really hot" and move on to the next topic of thought... there is no progression to the erection, etc etc that there is with people who have a libido. I know it is hard to believe, but it is actually as simple as that. I don't know how to describe it, but it is like the whole "magic" of sex is not there and you have no reason to go after it because it does nothing for you.
> 
> So it sounds like you need to follow up on this testosterone thing. You say he is flirting with you but thats it... to me that sounds like the stirrings of a libido (a small stirring but still). Since he is on this testosterone treatment and you have observed this stirring, then that sounds to me like a bit of evidence that says this testosterone treatment is working. Maybe if you get a second opinion and the doctor agrees that yes, 300 is too low for his age, and agrees to put him on a higher dose, maybe these "stirrings" will increase accordingly. I'm not a doctor but it sounds pretty logical to me. From what I read of your story, it sounds like a purely biological thing, and probably not because of issues in the relationship, how he sees you as a person, etc.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and information. It means alot to hear that in my eyes and heart, its probably not me. Ive gone to sleep most nights crying, thinking its me. We have three beautiful kids together and yes, I have put on about 20 pounds since before having kids, but like he kept reassuring me, its not me that its making him like this. All he could say to me everytime I would bring it up, was that he doesnt know why he doesnt want sex. :scratchhead: Then he started blaming it on himself, saying maybe its because he doesnt find himself attractive, He's put on 75lbs, and I know he truely wants to lose it, but he cant seem to find the motivation to want to start working out and getting the weight off. I told him I would start to work out with him if he wanted me to. That was the plan, but it never did work out that way. Ive read somethings online that says having a low testosterone level affects your ability to have the motivation to do things. So, maybe with his levels so low he doesnt have the desire to want to work out, even though he says he wants to lose the weight.

I find myself having to "fix my problem myself" all the time... and when I even have to tell him this, which he asks if I ever take things into my own hands when he cant fulfill my needs, I would never lie to him, and I tell him yeah. I dont know if it upsets him. He doesnt like to show his emotions that much. So apart of me is trying to figure out if me taking matters into my hands really bothers him at all or not? If I were a guy, I dont think I would like my woman to have to do that and think I couldnt do that for her? I dont know.... Im just hoping and praying something comes along and makes things better for us.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

I'm surprised that noone has mentioned your husband is probably depressed. The weight gain and lack of any kind of luster for life were big signs for me. I had the same problem with the lack of sexual desire and non-enthusiasm for everyday except for tv. I would have sex with my wife still about once a week to keep her happy but not for me or anywhere near the frequency we used to. The way he acts sounds so familiar. He seems easy going and might even seem happy, but trust me it's to mask his feelings. He might not be able to admit it or fully realize it, but it's there. Especially with a low Tlevel, which I'm sure makes it worse. Talk to him now about counselling or to talk with you because this contributed strongly to my wife looking outside of our marriage, and something like that is hard to get around.
Also, isn't it true that if you have a low Tlevel for too long that the damage becomes permanent? Thought I heard that somewhere and want to bring it up in case it hadn't been said to him yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

josh1081 said:


> I'm surprised that noone has mentioned your husband is probably depressed. The weight gain and lack of any kind of luster for life were big signs for me. I had the same problem with the lack of sexual desire and non-enthusiasm for everyday except for tv. I would have sex with my wife still about once a week to keep her happy but not for me or anywhere near the frequency we used to. The way he acts sounds so familiar. He seems easy going and might even seem happy, but trust me it's to mask his feelings. He might not be able to admit it or fully realize it, but it's there. Especially with a low Tlevel, which I'm sure makes it worse. Talk to him now about counselling or to talk with you because this contributed strongly to my wife looking outside of our marriage, and something like that is hard to get around.
> Also, isn't it true that if you have a low Tlevel for too long that the damage becomes permanent? Thought I heard that somewhere and want to bring it up in case it hadn't been said to him yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I havnt heard anything about waiting too long and then the low T levels becoming permanent. His dr said if he took the medication it would be back to normal levels within 3 months. But we are going set up an appointment with an endoconologist and get a second opinion on where his level needs to be for a 32 year old male. 300 seems low for where his primary care dr said it should be. 

I have tried to get him to talk to me, but he wont. he just walks away. Ive brought up counseling, but again, he uses the money as a reason why he wont do it. He keeps saying it would cost too much. Seems like Ive tried everything to try to get him the help he needs. I even went to my father in law, thinking maybe it would be easier for him to discuss this matter with a guy, since he is close to his dad, but his dad couldnt even get anything out of him too. So, I dont know where to go as far as getting him other help.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

"Also, isn't it true that if you have a low T level for too long that the damage becomes permanent?"

Again, the amount of misinformation here is not helping the OP. 

When a man goes on Hormone Replacement Therapy, it is for life. I'm not sure what "damage" you're referring to, but low T. damages his libido, his mood and everything else. The quality of a man's life with a testosterone of 300 is nil. 

Depression is a primary symptom of low T. To me (and to any man who has suffered from low T. or been married to one), it is obvious your husband has this issue. No ridiculous supplement that your Dr. gave you is going to raise his levels up to the levels they need to be, which is 750-900... a HUGE difference between that and 300.

Please read about low testosterone on the web and you will see I know what I am talking about with this unfortunate issue.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

Read these comments on this page from women married to guys with low T. Sound familiar?

Testosterone Deficiency Living With: livingwithlowtestosterone - Urology Channel


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

Sierra61 said:


> Read these comments on this page from women married to guys with low T. Sound familiar?
> 
> Testosterone Deficiency Living With: livingwithlowtestosterone - Urology Channel


The first one is identical to how I feel. This all started in March of 2006. After then, it slowly has gone down hill and now I feel like he is six foot under. 

Some of the things I agree with in the first one I read are:

1. He and I are like roommates, or brother and sister.
2. He shows no affection, Only 1 kiss before leaving for work, other days nothing at all. 
3. He is grumpy and seems always moody most of the time
4. Admits to me there is not anything we can talk about together
5. Its difficult to get him to sit down and listen to what I have to say, but when he does listen, he never says anything back.
6. He doesnt like to show his feelings, or speak of them
7. He doesnt like to go out in public with me, just him and I alone.
8. If we do go out together, which is maybe once a year, thats if someone "pushes" him to go with me, he treats me like a friend. No affection, nothing. 

One thing that bugs me is that when I tell him I cant handle this no longer, Id rather leave, he tells me, "Ok, whatever". 
To me, thats him saying he's approving of it. Like he doesnt care if I were to walk out that door. 
I would think that if he loves me, he wouldnt want me to walk out that door, he would show me, say something to show me he doesnt want me to leave. Thats what I think about every night before going to bed. Why would he not show me or give me some sign that he loves me and wants me to stay? Why tell me "whatever" and walk away? Like he doesnt care?


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## w.s.winstonsarah (May 4, 2010)

Wow pretty tough one, have you asked him why the "whatever" and why he seems to not care. He needs to be if nothing else honest with you! Tell him he alteast needs to do that.


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## mom2threekiddos (May 19, 2010)

w.s.winstonsarah said:


> Wow pretty tough one, have you asked him why the "whatever" and why he seems to not care. He needs to be if nothing else honest with you! Tell him he alteast needs to do that.


I asked him if he cared if I even were to walk out that door? 
His Reply: "Yes, I care"
Me: Then why are you telling me, "whatever" and walking away?
His Reply: I dont want you to leave, but what do you want me to say?
Me: How about tell me how you feel about our relationship? I get the feeling when you say "whatever" that you dont care about our relationship and it wouldnt bother you to see me walk out.
His Reply: I do care, I just dont like showing my feelings.
Me: To me, If you truely did care for me, love me, want me to stay with you, If I were in your shoes, I wouldnt be saying "whatever". I would be telling that person no, stay. and giving them the reasons why I want them to stay. Not telling them "whatever" and walking away. 

He pretty much doesnt like to express his feelings. When we first began dating, he was working as a mechanic. He called me one day and sounded all excited over the phone. My day wasnt going to the best, and when he told me some girl tried to hit on him and ask for his phone number, I got upset and hung up on him. I remember having a huge headach, so I went to lay down. I woke up to a pounding on the door, and it was him in tears. He said he resented saying that to me to make me mad and couldnt get any words out, literally got down on his knees and kept saying, "One Minute... like he needed a minute to gather his thoughts and speak. I was in shock. I myself, of all the guys I had dated, I had never dated a guy who broke down like that after dating not even a month! When he looked at me, he said it was the look on my face that changed things. He said I had this look of "What the hell?" on my face. I was in disbelief, like I had never experienced something like that ever with a guy, so of course I was in shock, but after he saw that look, from then on, he has kept all his feelings inside. So when something is bother him, he wont tell me. He's afraid of my reaction. Even going to a counselor and explaining this to her, he still wont open up to me. I dont know what to do about that. There's only so much you can do to show that person youre there for them and they can trust you and come to you. I dont know what to do to show him Im here for him. Ive tried everything.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

mom2threekiddos said:


> Even going to a counselor and explaining this to her, he still wont open up to me. I dont know what to do about that. There's only so much you can do to show that person youre there for them and they can trust you and come to you. I dont know what to do to show him Im here for him. Ive tried everything.


Us guys in the emotions department have it tough sometimes. If we show too much emotions our women think of us as a "nice guy/wuss" and the passion goes away. If we are not emotional enough our ladies think of us as "stone cold/doesn't care".

Most of us were raised that to show emotions is to show weakness. So men generally have 3 emotional states they will show people "Happy, Angry, Satisfied". We have pretty much the same emotions as you ladies, we just generally keep it to ourselves.

I'll be honest, chances are your earlier reaction was one thing that caused him to erect that wall up around himself. But, it's been a long time, he does need to learn to let it go. What's probably holding him back is his fear that you will secretly think less of him for showing those emotions. No man wants to think his wife thinks he is a wuss. Even you saying it isn't always enough because he will always "see" your reaction each time he thinks about showing an emotion. 

Please understand I'm NOT trying to justify him or vilify you. It's something quite a few of us go through. I think maybe you can try to get him to open up about small things at first and work your way up from there? Instead of trying to run that marathon out of the gate, try walking a mile first.


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