# What is the biggest thing you've forgiven someone for?



## leec (Oct 16, 2016)

Can be anything

I have forgiven my friend for sleeping with my then partner.


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## DieCastRN (Oct 18, 2019)

leec said:


> Can be anything
> 
> I have forgiven my friend for sleeping with my then partner.


My ex. She didn't cheat on me, but she did bait-and-switch me.

Other than that, people have treated me alright.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have had to forgive some truly awful things. Unfortunately they are too personal to put them here.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Been living on my own supporting myself since I was 16. I have yet to forgive anyone and probably won’t. My dead parents, my exw or my current w.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

My mother for letting me grow up with an abusive, alcoholic father. We never discussed it, but I forgave her after holding resentment in my heart over it. I am sometimes still bitter that I had the childhood I had, but I also know that it shaped my choices in my adult life, which has been wonderful.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I've forgiven my XH for all the crap he pulled. Not going to go into detail. He is the one who had to live with himself, and I didn't want that negative energy holding me back. I chose to forgive him and move on. It doesn't mean that I'm not still dealing with the emotional scars, but forgiving him helps with that. 

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My RSXW, for her rampant deception of clandestinely sleeping with past high school boyfriends while on her out of town business trips during the course of our marriage. And then coming back home and still sleeping with me as her husband, to defer marital suspicion!

I have forgiven as the New Testament of the Bible commands, but unlike our Heavenly Father, I cannot seem to forget what happened to me that allayed my fear and ardent mistrust in her! *


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> unlike our Heavenly Father, I cannot seem to forget what happened to me that allayed my fear and ardent mistrust in her!



This attribute in us is also God's design. God can forget our sin.... God is not diminished, hurt, injured, or stumbled by our sin. He is grieved, because He has set up His laws for us, for our protection, so that we can have the best-possible earthly life. He is saddened to see us hurt by sin, however, He is not, Himself, changed in any way as a result.....

But we can be.... that fear and mistrust prevents further injury to us, when properly considered and appropriated. God knows that people usually continue in the same behavior patterns, their besetting sins usually remain besetting. When a person inflicts this kind of pain on us, it's the best choice to avoid that person in the future.

And, also, to avoid any others who demonstrate such manner of vile contempt and disrespect for us.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> This attribute in us is also God's design. God can forget our sin.... God is not diminished, hurt, injured, or stumbled by our sin. He is grieved, because He has set up His laws for us, for our protection, so that we can have the best-possible earthly life. He is saddened to see us hurt by sin, however, He is not, Himself, changed in any way as a result.....
> 
> But we can be.... that fear and mistrust prevents further injury to us, when properly considered and appropriated. God knows that people usually continue in the same behavior patterns, their besetting sins usually remain besetting. When a person inflicts this kind of pain on us, it's the best choice to avoid that person in the future.
> 
> And, also, to avoid any others who demonstrate such manner of vile contempt and disrespect for us.


*That's much like what my United Methodist pastors told me while I was undergoing separation and divorce counseling!

"Like a child who burns himself by touching a hot stove, try to let the stigma of the burn and the resulting pain heal, but do not ever blindly venture forth again and fail to remember the lesson by either intentionally or unintentionally touching it yet again!"

That lesson has firmly stayed with me ... and all too well!*


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I forgave my father for abandoning me after he and my mother divorced. 

I also forgave my ex boyfriend for his very abusive behavior. 

Both of these men had serious problems and didn’t do these things to me on purpose. I was just a victim of their mental illness. 

My life significantly improved after I forgave them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I'm still in the throws of forgiving some one for being born. ;-)


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I don't know....I don't really forgive much, if by "forgive" you mean, making excuses and restoring (or maintaining) the relationship...

I'm kind-of practical about this type of thing -- if you betray me and hurt me, then you don't care about me at all, and I don't hate you, but I certainly don't want you around me, either...AND I'm not going to pretend that I do

I guess I could say my first husband - I forgave all the awful, destructive things he did when he was a drunk, after he quit drinking, then married him and had our three kids....but 10 years later when he started drinking again, I left without hesitation, and never returned....does THAT count? LOL!

There are a few other things/people that I have NOT forgiven, but I guess I'll save those for an UN-Forgiving thread! >


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What does forgiveness really mean? We allow a pass this time and we won’t hold it against them?


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> What does forgiveness really mean? We allow a pass this time and we won’t hold it against them?


For me, it means letting it go and not letting it take up mind space. It does not mean I allow that person to continue being a part of my life. Forgiveness is self directed, it’s not for the other person. Actually the word forgiveness doesn’t work for me. Forgo does. I forgo, or decline, to hold onto something they did.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> What does forgiveness really mean? We allow a pass this time and we won’t hold it against them?


When you forgive you set a person free. 
That person is you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Girl_power said:
> 
> 
> > What does forgiveness really mean? We allow a pass this time and we won’t hold it against them?
> ...


I guess I am not ready to free myself. Another issue I’ll have to work on.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> What does forgiveness really mean? We allow a pass this time and we won’t hold it against them?


Forgiveness is about freedom.

It is a deliberate decision to move past feelings of anger and resentment. It means living in and responding to the present moment without looking through a lens of anger and resentment. It is learning to adapt to the present moment, accepting that the past is the past and it cannot be changed, and choosing to move forward.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, excusing, minimizing, or denying. It does not erase the hurt and pain. It means that you no longer allow that hurt and pain to control your life.

Forgiveness does not mean that you will accept the behavior again. Setting boundaries state what you will and will not accept going forward, not forgiveness. You can forgive someone and set a boundary that you are not willing to accept that action again.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not tied together. Forgiveness is an intrapersonal process. Reconciliation is an interpersonal process. It only takes one person to forgive but it takes two people to reconcile, whether that is with a spouse, friend, family member, etc. You can forgive someone even if they have not demonstrated remorse or change, but you do not have to allow that person to stay in your life.



RebuildingMe said:


> I guess I am not ready to free myself. Another issue I’ll have to work on.


Forgiveness is a process. There is no timetable for when a person should forgive, or how long the process should take.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

bobert said:


> Forgiveness is about freedom.
> 
> It is a deliberate decision to move past feelings of anger and resentment. It means living in and responding to the present moment without looking through a lens of anger and resentment. It is learning to adapt to the present moment, accepting that the past is the past and it cannot be changed, and choosing to move forward.
> 
> ...


 Beautifully said @bobert. 

I forgave for my own sake. My father was never even aware. My ex boyfriend is aware and considers it a gift. He’s grateful for that gift.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@bobert
How are things going with you in relation to your post?


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> I guess I am not ready to free myself. Another issue I’ll have to work on.


Forgiveness is overrated and I really don’t have any desire to work on that POV.

I come from a long line of grudge holders.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't know....I don't really forgive much, if by "forgive" you mean, making excuses and restoring (or maintaining) the relationship...
> 
> I'm kind-of practical about this type of thing -- if you betray me and hurt me, then you don't care about me at all, and I don't hate you, but I certainly don't want you around me, either...AND I'm not going to pretend that I do
> 
> ...


*You can always forgive. That act alone cleanses your conscience!

But do not ever be misled in forgetting what it was that they subjected you to! *


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> Forgiveness is overrated and I really don’t have any desire to work on that POV.
> 
> 
> 
> I come from a long line of grudge holders.


My ex-BF also came from a long line of grudge-holders. And holding onto those grudges really prevented him from.moving forward and living a full and full-faceted life. His grudges prevented him from forming emotional connections with other people (familial, platonic, and romantic), they contributed to his anger management issues, and it really affects his quality of life.

I'm sure you think it's fine. Good luck with that.

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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> My ex-BF also came from a long line of grudge-holders. And holding onto those grudges really prevented him from.moving forward and living a full and full-faceted life. His grudges prevented him from forming emotional connections with other people (familial, platonic, and romantic), they contributed to his anger management issues, and it really affects his quality of life.
> 
> I'm sure you think it's fine. Good luck with that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Why???

What exactly is wrong with not forgiving those who intentionally wronged you???


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MyRevelation said:


> Forgiveness is overrated …


No, it's not. I've never seen anyone who nurses a grudge or holds onto old hurts to be doing anything particularly constructive with that stance.



MyRevelation said:


> ...and I really don’t have any desire to work on that POV.


Your life. Your choice



MyRevelation said:


> I come from a long line of grudge holders.


Sad.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MyRevelation said:


> What exactly is wrong with not forgiving those who intentionally wronged you???


It eats YOU up. The idiot(s) who wronged you have gotten on with life and probably don't even want to take responsibility, or own up, to their transgressions.

The forgiveness is for YOU. You let them go. You wish them well. Then you move on with your life. They don't take up any space in your head. Let those who have crapped on you answer to their maker in the next life.

I say live and let live. And I speak as someone who had several people crap on me big time.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> Why???
> 
> 
> 
> What exactly is wrong with not forgiving those who intentionally wronged you???


What @Prodigal said. If you don't forgive, you can't move on. It irritates your soul, and whenever you thing about however they wronged you, all the anger and negative feelings resurface and you live it all over again.

If you forgive, then you can let go of all those negative feelings--they no longer have power over you. If you hold on to the grudge, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you. They still have control, because they still inspire anger. By forgiving, you take back your control.

I'm not saying that you forget. You shouldn't forget what they did, because you don't want to let them do it to you again. You can forgive and not forget; forgiving does not mean that you trust them again. 

I can forgive my XH (of my ex-BF) for what he did and how he treated me, but I would never again trust him, because if he came back to me, I haven't forgotten and I know he would do the same again.

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I forgave the woman I caught having an affair with my father 2 years before my mother died.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @bobert
> How are things going with you in relation to your post?


Things are going well. I'm not ready to say that I have forgiven my wife yet, or anyone else, but I'm working towards it. It took a long time for me to want to move past the anger, hurt and resentment, and be ready and willing to forgive. For me, it's a slow process that I'm doing at my own pace. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. That happiness didn't come until I took the focus off my wife, put the focus on myself, and chose to move forward. For me, choosing to move forward involves moving forward with my wife and reconciling.

Right now, looking at my wife, I'm not thinking about the hurt she caused. I don't feel anger or bitterness, or have thoughts of revenge. I don't wish her pain and suffering, or want to cut her out of my life. Looking at her, I feel happy. I can't help but smile. I feel warm fuzzy feelings. I'm thinking about how much I love her, that she is beautiful, that I'm glad she's here, and that I want to go kiss her right now. She's wondering why I'm staring at her.

The times that resentment and anger creep up, it's a lot easier to choose not to feed into that. Or, if I must, feel it for a while then move on. I'm not perfect but I'm handling things far better than the embarrassing way I handled things earlier this year. I still think about everything that has happened and the hurt associated with that but it doesn't control my every thought and move, or keep me stuck in the past.

So, things are good.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MyRevelation said:


> Why???
> 
> What exactly is wrong with not forgiving those who intentionally wronged you???



Could it be that your definition of "forgiveness" is different than the OP's? I mean, for me, saying "I forgive you" means I not only let it go, but I am willing to restore the relationship....so, NO, if someone wrongs me intentionally, I will NOT forgive them.
I will, however, _let it go_ - meaning, it won't take up space in my head, I don't hate them or wish them ill, I just DROP them. They are locked out of my heart forever. 

I think most people who say they don't forgive actually handle those situations the same as people who say they do forgive, it's just the word "forgiveness" isn't what they want to use to describe it. That's how it feels for ME, anyway!


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Could it be that your definition of "forgiveness" is different than the OP's? I mean, for me, saying "I forgive you" means I not only let it go, but I am willing to restore the relationship....so, NO, if someone wrongs me intentionally, I will NOT forgive them.
> I will, however, _let it go_ - meaning, it won't take up space in my head, I don't hate them or wish them ill, I just DROP them. They are locked out of my heart forever.
> 
> I think most people who say they don't forgive actually handle those situations the same as people who say they do forgive, it's just the word "forgiveness" isn't what they want to use to describe it. That's how it feels for ME, anyway!


That’s closer to my definition than the other word salad feel good nonsense that’s been posted.

Forgive, but don’t forget ... that’s just not being honest with yourself. Just look at bobert above, he’s tying himself in mental knots trying to forgive the unforgivable by lying to himself. I simply refuse to be a bobert and will always be true to myself especially when that truth is painfull and needs to be remembered to avoid it happening again.

When you’re not honest with yourself about the cause of pain, you leave yourself open to being hurt again by the same source.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> That’s closer to my definition than the other word salad feel good nonsense that’s been posted.
> 
> Forgive, but don’t forget ... that’s just not being honest with yourself. Just look at bobert above, he’s tying himself in mental knots trying to forgive the unforgivable by lying to himself. I simply refuse to be a bobert and will always be true to myself especially when that truth is painfull and needs to be remembered to avoid it happening again.
> 
> When you’re not honest with yourself about the cause of pain, you leave yourself open to being hurt again by the same source.


"Forgive and forget" is probably one of the biggest loads of horse**** out there. Forgiving does NOT mean forgetting. I am never going to forget, and I'm not trying to. "Forgetting" is not the goal, and it shouldn't be anyone's goal. Forgiving means you stop obsessing over the past, not that you forget it. It means that you move on with your life and accept that the past cannot be changed, not that you forget the past or try to re-write it. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, it does not restore the past, and it does not mean reconciliation. Any BS attempt at forgetting or re-writing is probably a guaranteed way to be hurt again and you sure won't grow from the experience. I have done plenty of lying to myself, but right now I am not.

You are entitled to your opinion of what is unforgivable, so am I.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

MyRevelation said:


> That’s closer to my definition than the other word salad feel good nonsense that’s been posted.
> 
> Forgive, but don’t forget ... that’s just not being honest with yourself. Just look at bobert above, he’s tying himself in mental knots trying to forgive the unforgivable by lying to himself. I simply refuse to be a bobert and will always be true to myself especially when that truth is painfull and needs to be remembered to avoid it happening again.
> 
> When you’re not honest with yourself about the cause of pain, you leave yourself open to being hurt again by the same source.


You are entitled to your opinion of course but I respectfully disagree. I said I forgave my ex boyfriend who was abusive. If you think that makes me open to being hurt by him again or that I don't remember it, you couldn't be more wrong. I forgave him, I do not ever forget what it was like to be with him and I will never forget. I use that knowledge as I go forward in life so that nobody will EVER abuse me like that again. 

As for bobert, he is telling you how much happier he is now that he and his wife are working on reconciling. He hasn't forgiven her yet but even so, the fact that they are working on things together makes him very happy. He's working on HIMSELF the most and that has made him more comfortable with himself. I'd say that means he is being true to himself. 

Holding onto hate and anger just rots your soul. Or as someone once said "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I don't think MR brought up bobert to be disrespectful, just to point out how differently MR feels in comparison.

Again, my comment was to try and bridge the gap between the Forgive and Won't Forgive people, because I think we are all saying THE SAME THING.
My mom and one sister are trying desperately to get me to "forgive" my 3 other sisters for something that I deem UN-forgivable, and I bristle when they (mom and sister) try to say what kind of pain I am causing myself, I'm going to regret it, my heart will rot, etc etc, because I "can't let go"....
But what they are really saying is that I am making THEM uncomfortable, and THEY are taking it personally, and that's why they are insisting that the only path to happiness and contentment is THEIR path -- but they are completely wrong.
MY path makes ME happy. And I am justified in wanting to take it! All their arguing and insisting only makes me feel misunderstood and alienated, and hurt again.

I really want the Forgive people to see and understand that when people say they won't forgive, sometimes they are doing the exact same thing as you, just using different words!!


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

That’s a hard question. I have released my anger toward my ex. I don’t believe I will ever forgive him or forget what he did. God can forgive him or the devil will invite him, I am thinking the latter is what will happen.


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