# Our story



## luckysevens (Mar 9, 2011)

We have been together for 12 years, married for 3.5 of those. We got together in college, and we have been together since. We have one child together, and he is amazing and wonderful. He is the best thing to have ever happened to me, although I have recently realized that meeting his mother was a very close second.

Quite simply, over the course of the 12 years, I have had several infidelity issues. In college, I started a relationship with one woman, which ended when I decided that I wanted to be with my now-wife. In graduate school, I met a woman who I spent a considerable amount of time with, but in the end, I again chose my now-wife. I also started talking to girls on craigslist, though nothing progressed to actual meeting.

When my now-wife and I got engaged and then married, I promised myself I would never let myself make those mistakes again. About a year ago, my wife was sick and I took care of her in a way I didn't even think I was capable of. As she recovered, and then gave birth to our son, we began developing some problems. 

Despite those problems, I remained committed to my marriage. Then, several weeks ago, I started corresponding with girls on craigslist again (two to be exact). Neither progressed to actual meeting, though we joked about it from time to time. We exchanged photos, and one of the photos I sent was a nude of me. Then, around this same time, I became close with a friend. She and I started out purely plutonic but it quickly developed into something more, though, again, nothing physical actually happened. Not even a kiss.

My wife found out about the last two things quite recently and is understandably upset. She asked me to leave and I did for two nights, but she has since allowed me to sleep on the couch. I contacted a therapist we had been to in the past (for other issues) to try and see if we can save this marriage. I want very much to save my marriage and to move past this. I know it takes time, but I love my wife very much. She looks at my past and sees a pattern, and I understand that. I have been sending her flowers, leaving her little notes, writing letters explaining how sorry I am and how much I love her. I have been doing everything I should have been doing around the house to make life easier on her. She has been relatively unreceptive. Sometimes it seems like we might have a breakthrough but then other times she makes it sound like her mind is made up that she is done with me.

I love her so much, and I want this to work so bad, it hurts. I was such an idiot for taking her and her love for granted. Now, I would give anything just to have it back. I was hoping to hear some suggestions on other things I can do. I already cut off all contact with those women, and I am willing to open up my life to her. I want to schedule dates, and family days, and be a better husband and father than I ever was before. How can I work to allow her to let me do those things.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

You'll need to do something bold! Why don't you suggest that you'll never go on Craig's List again. That you'll give up your Facebook account. That you'll only use the computer when she's in the room. That you'll no no "socializing" via computer.

There are distinct consessions that a cheater makes to create transparency. The counselling may help. You'll need to assure her that you'll function like a recovering alcoholic or addict, where you'll abstain from anything that could lead to a relapse.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

you promised yourself you would stop. You broke your own rules. If you can break your own rules, what is left? 

You need to deal with your weakness in a way that does not hurt her. You are sorry now, but if you were not caught, you would still be doing it, and worse if the chance were there. 

Thisisnt a question of "how can i win her back" it is a case of " how can fix what is wrong with me?"

If she loves you, and yuo fix yourself, and she sees that you have fixed yoruself, you have a shot. If not, then at least you go back on the market without the problem. 

Fix you.

Dont try to shove a broken gear in the machine of marriage.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

luckysevens said:


> She looks at my past and sees a pattern, and I understand that. I have been sending her flowers, leaving her little notes, writing letters explaining how sorry I am and how much I love her. I have been doing everything I should have been doing around the house to make life easier on her. She has been relatively unreceptive. Sometimes it seems like we might have a breakthrough but then other times she makes it sound like her mind is made up that she is done with me.


Since she found out very recently, her emotions are probably all over the place. It is hard to reconcile that the one person you should be able to trust has betrayed you. It is hard to imagine not having your husband, father of your child, in your life and at the same time it is hard to picture ever being able to trust again.

Sending flowers, etc. may be sending the message that you are looking for a quick fix for your marriage to return to where it was, but in hearing that you want to schedule dates, family time, tells me you want to change your marriage for the better in the long-term. 

Right now, I believe being patient when her emotions are all over the place, being understanding of her pain and remorseful of your actions without becoming defensive when she needs to vent will all show her that you understand her hurt and pain and are there for her. She will need to experience the emotions and heal at her own pace & it could take quite some time.

She will also need some sort of reassurance that you do not want to fall back into this pattern down the road, so contacting a therapist was a really good idea on your part.

At some point down the road she will need to decide whether she can forgive you and move forward with your marriage. I personally believe this is important for both her and for you to begin making your marriage stronger than it has been up until now but each marriage is different and you will need to gauge how quickly you can start to re-connect.


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