# He has been looking at porn whilst separated



## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi everyone

Just before Christmas I posted this, advising that my husband got oral sex from a prostitute:-

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/36688-my-husband-cheated-prostitute.html

He moved out shortly after, at my request because I couldn't stand to have him around and I needed space. I really thought I could never be with him again. We ended up falling out pretty badly because I asked him to move out. He then said hurtful things like 'If we didn't get a divorce now, we would get one later anyway' etc. So I did file for divorce because I thought what is the point of carrying this on.

Anyway, six weeks later we have decided to give it another go and put the divorce on hold. I started to have doubts and he changed his tune (said he didn't mean what he said about us getting divorced anyway) and is begging to come home. I was starting to feel vulnerable with the thought of bringing up two young kids on my own and I did miss parts of him.  So here we are, he has moved back in.

Anyway, I was on the computer last night and found a history of a search for 'porn'. It was done whilst he was away and borrowed the laptop. I also found cookies for an adult dating site and a porn site. 

I decided to ask him (without letting on that I knew) if there was anything else going on, did he ever look up porn on the internet or see prostitutes before we met etc? He told me a straight no and lied to me about the porn. He said to me that 'how would he know how to find porn on a computer, as he wasn't computer savvy'. 

He looked at the computer later and today I find that he was switched off the browsing history and deleted his porn search. So he can't be that unsavvy with computers after all!

I'm just so dissapointed. I know he did this whilst we were separated and divorcing but I really need transparency here, especially when what he did could be related to a possible sex addiction (that is seeing a prostitute).

Any thoughts please.

Jen


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but him surfing porn while you were separated is the least of your worries, I think. The adult dating site and prostitutes should be much bigger concerns. So what have you two been doing to heal yourselves and relationship? Or ave you just swept things under the rug with promises to not do it again?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

He looked at the adult dating site whilst we were separated as well as the porn.

What I was trying to get at is the prostitute part of a bigger problem or was it just a one off? Now that he seems to be surfing for porn/dating sites etc I'm less convinced. If the prostitute is a one off it may be something we can get over. If he starts looking at porn and this is part of some increasing sexual addiction then there is no hope for us. I also don't like that he lied to me when we are trying to reconcile.

To improve the situation, my husband has given up alcohol and is going to counselling. I am also going to counselling.

Jen


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The vast majority of people who look at porn don't have a "sexual addiction", any more than everyone who consumes alcohol is an alcoholic. If he's not stopping the porn watching, it's most likely simply because he doesn't want to.

The adult dating sites are a way to meet people for free sex. Unfortunately, been there, done that. There is some amateur porn available on them, and some chat/messaging available as well. This would be much more troubling to me than a spouse looking at pictures of moe one they'd never have a chance to meet, but that's just me.

Have you thought of installing a key logging application on your computer? Have the two of you been doing any joint counselling? I'd ask if he has become transparent in his communication, but it seems pretty obvious that he isn't, and it takes all of about 2 minutes to open up a new gmail account anyway. Has he considered giving up the computer while you try to reconcile your marriage? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks PBear

I don't think that looking at porn will definitely lead to a sexual addiction (I've looked at it myself previously but more for a bit of a laugh than anything else). However, I do think that someone who visits prostitutes could have an addiction and the two could be interlinked.

I agree with you about the adult dating site. That is more of a concern than the porn. 

I'm thinking about a keylogger. I looked at a few earlier but I'm not sure that is what I want to do. I'll keep looking at the cookies on the laptop for now to see if any new sites pop up. I have also turned the history back on - I wonder if he will notice.

Thanks for your help.

Jen


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So how about him taking a break from the computer? Or moving the computer into a more public part of your home? Basically, if your husband was truly remorseful for what he did, and wanted to fix things, he should be bending over backwards to fix things. Lying to you and hiding his Internet history don't say " I'm sorry" to me. They say "I'm sorry I got caught, so I'll be more careful the next time".

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Since you say you are 'vulnerable' you have to be more careful if you really want him to stay. You will have to give in to him even if he is wrong or you will lose him. Try not to be too hard on him.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Ok, maybe 'vulnerable' is the wrong word. I want our family to stay together if at all possible. I am worried if we split up how that will affect the children, how I will cope with finances etc.

However, that doesn't mean I'm gonna let this guy walk all over me.

Jen


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Jen ---It's time to grow up---you don't get it both ways.

You either drop him, cuz you know what you get with him, which is a cheater, with a continuing cheating mentality, or you

Go out on your own, maybe struggle, maybe not---This is not whether the kids, can handle this---for they will be way better off, in happy split homes, then in a single miserable existense, which you are in----Your H. isn't even back one week, and the drama has begun anew.

Just activate the D., and rid yourself,of this jerk, that you call a H.

I am willing to bet he is not back cuz he loves you, he is back cuz he doesn't wanna give you half of everything, and pay support, and have to be responsible for the kids on his own, when he has them

You need to do what is best for you, and moving on without this guy, is what is best for you---you were right the 1st time, stick by your guns.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It is entirely possible he does have a sexual addiction. It is also entirely possible he doesn't. The only way to know for sure is for him to get a diagnosis from a professional.

If he is compelled to still surf porn and dating sites after his marriage dissolved because of it, he very well may have it. My husband does. As you know from your other thread, my husband also hired a prostitute for oral sex. And I also kicked him out on D day. Our experiences are quite similar.

We are together today because he got treatment for his addiction and still attends a 12 step group for sex addicts. He is very remorseful for what he did and wants to stay clean and stay with me very badly, and is willing to do the work he needs to. If he wasn't, our relationship would be history.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

jen1020 said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> Just before Christmas I posted this, advising that my husband got oral sex from a prostitute:-
> 
> ...


The adult dating site is a big no no.. but as for looking at porn.... IDK.. I guess if your Amish it would be a big no no, but dudes will occasionally watch a porn in order to pop one off.. Not out of the norm..Now if its' gay porn, or bestiality or some weird fetish thing like he enjoys getting kicked in the nads there may be a problem.. I have not gotten laid in over a year and I occasionally check out straight porn on the computer myself to rub one out... (the whole process takes about 5 minutes I'm not making love to myself just jerking one out).. Maybe once a week or so, I don't obsess or miss work to check out skin flicks. As to the prostitute thing, that may be the sign of a larger issue.. sexual addiction or something.. I have never gone down that road nor do I think I could.. kinda gross... not judging, just saying.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks guys, most of the responses have been helpful as always.

Well I decided to confront him about it, said I knew that he had been looking at porn and adult dating sites. He admitted that he had, was just feeling lonely whilst we weren't living together and wanted to jerk off to the pictures on the net. 

He also admitted that he had joined a dating site (not an adult one so he says) but then cancelled his membership as he realised he wasn't ready to go down that road and if we did reconcile it would be the wrong thing to do.

Well, I'm just not sure about it all really. Once someone has broken your trust you just start looking for other lies. I also find him somewhat of a hypocrite as he was telling me I shouldn't get involved with any other guys until we got divorced whilst he is signing up to match.com?

At any rate, I will continue to attempt a reconciliation with him, with my eyes wide open and will give it some time at least. I'm just not sure too much damage has been done but I know I will have given it my best shot.

Jen


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you talk to him about transparency in your marriage? Shared email and computer passwords, no more deleting Internet history, etc? And you said he signed up for an adult site, but he only admitted to a "regular" one. It sounds like you let him sweep things nicely under the rug... Why didn't you confront him on his hypocrisy?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

C

I didn't say he had signed up to an adult dating site, only that I had found a cookie for one in his temporary internet files. He certainly looked at it however.

I told him he was a hypocrite for signing up to a dating agency whilst telling me I couldn't even think about seeing other men until we were divorced.

Internet history has been switched back on and we know each others passwords.

If I'm not doing the right things here, please let me know how I can prevent any more rug sweeping?

Jen


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Bandit said:


> The adult dating site is a big no no.. but as for looking at porn.... IDK.. I guess if your Amish it would be a big no no, but dudes will occasionally watch a porn in order to pop one off.. Not out of the norm..Now if its' gay porn, or bestiality or some weird fetish thing like he enjoys getting kicked in the nads there may be a problem.. I have not gotten laid in over a year and I occasionally check out straight porn on the computer myself to rub one out... (the whole process takes about 5 minutes I'm not making love to myself just jerking one out).. Maybe once a week or so, I don't obsess or miss work to check out skin flicks. As to the prostitute thing, that may be the sign of a larger issue.. sexual addiction or something.. I have never gone down that road nor do I think I could.. kinda gross... not judging, just saying.


My WS had sex with an Amish man


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> My WS had sex with an Amish man


now that has to be discussed further :smthumbup:


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## Bill42 (Sep 15, 2011)

One thing to consider. When surfing porn sites or even just watching porn clips, often times pop ups to adult dating sites will happen regularly. So he may just be watching porn and the dating sites your finding were just pop ups. Happens to me all the time, I'll click on a video I want to watch and Adult Friend Finder will pop up, or "Find single women in your area to F%$# tonight" . Stuff like that.

Just sayin.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Jen,

First of all there is no privacy in a marriage...period.

Second, as the BS if something bothers you it is your right to not only bring it up but demand it be stopped. Part of R is that he must win you back. Anything that doesn't do that is a no no.


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

Im 1 month and 1 week into my separation ...It started with a heated argument, which I ended up degrating him and telling him that hes a conformist and doesnt want to progress for the good of our family. I apologized next day. he accepted, however love came up in a conversation and thats when he said hes not sure if he loves me and wants to continue on. We separted due to him trying to sort his feelings, as he's not sure if he loves me or not. a week ago, I found out he registered for causual dating for married people.. I was numb and shocked!!! He married young and never had the chance for a single life,, when we hooked up I told them about that, and he ddidnt care,, he wanted to be with me and loved me and loved me to death .. we have been together for 14 yrs, married 5 months. I feel he used the argument as an excuse to leave!! I regreat giving him that option ,, I told him he could stay and we can work it out ,or leave to really think long and hard to see what he wants in life... now to see he's looking for online dating ,, thats humiliating to me, i feel embarassed and grossed out. He knows how much I love him ... sex was never the issue... but he does not communicate.. thats a big factor .. I love him so much and my 6 yr old misses him immensly .... I have been trying to seek help on this matter... if he ends up hooking with anybody. thats it as much as it will hurt . but im still hoping he will snap out of it... hes a realy private person and hardly talks to anyone about his problems, including me, which im sure is one of the issues. ........ he's 32 yrs old.... could he be going through a midlife crisis? Could he just be wanted to know how the single life would be? pls help .. need advise or help .. hes not a young lad anymore,, he knows whats right from wrong, yet he still seeks people sex, and to have fun!! I dont get it


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ What the hell?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

jen1020 said:


> C
> 
> I didn't say he had signed up to an adult dating site, only that I had found a cookie for one in his temporary internet files. He certainly looked at it however.
> 
> ...



Okay, not to defend him but....


You said you pulled the trigger on a DIVORCE. Am I correct? So...now he's stuck with being alone, right? He has no sexual outlet and you have essentially told him he is kicked to the curb.

And you wonder why he's looking at porn and seeing what else is on offer out there? Really? YOU threw him out and had him served and wonder why he thought he might have to start dating again.

REALLY?

This is a SERIOUS question?

Let me make this very simple.

When you threw his a$$ out and filed for divorce, you told him he had no sexual outlet and he was alone. PERIOD!

So you gave up all call on him. You changed your mind, which you are allowed to. But honestly, he could have been sexually dating and *YOU HAVE NOT COMPLAINT COMING*! *YOU* told him he was done and out of the marriage!

Did you think he was going to pine forever? Did you think that he didn't want an orgasm in six weeks?

So whatever happened in that period is done.

And you are getting worked up over a COOKIE?!?

You have no idea how it got there.

Yes, he lied but you *THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T STAND TO BE AROUND HIM!* And frankly, his trepidation at sharing the truth with you is pretty damned valid if you are blowing your top over a COOKIE!

So tell him he can't lie, but you aren't about to file again just because you hear something you don't like. That six weeks was a grace period. You were for all intents and purposes on a break, one YOU called. (Excuse me. You ended the relationship)

Ask him for no porn for a long time because you are worried about porn addiction.

You don't get to throw someone out and file and STILL have control of their life.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> My WS had sex with an Amish man


For some reason I couldn't help but think about how hot Kelly McGillis was playing that Amish ingenue in the movie 'Witness.'


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

hahaha ... so was Harrison ford "COUNT" =) thanks for the laugh


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

PBear said:


> No offense, but him surfing porn while you were separated is the least of your worries, I think. The adult dating site and prostitutes should be much bigger concerns. So what have you two been doing to heal yourselves and relationship? Or ave you just swept things under the rug with promises to not do it again?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not agree with this. Porn is addictive, and it is not even considered as an addiction, which makes it even more dangerous. It is a gateway drug FOR this online prostitution deal. Sure most can say "well I watch porn and would never rape, or use prostitutes", which is basically an analogy of the use of marijuana and saying "well I would never use cocaine, I am always in control of my marijuana use and alcohol use (for an alcoholic)" I beg to differ. 

It is like a drug, the brain reacts the same as if it were a cocaine addicts brain. Its already been scientifically proven, most lambic systems are all structurally the same among mammals, they work the same using dopamine. It physically alters the brain and its functions, constantly seeking more dopamine each time, making more receptors for it in our lambic system.

To kill any addiction, load up on vitamin c and a good diet with plenty of minerals in supplements, put a "NC" in there, write it out and paste it on the computer, basically a cold turkey quit of 2 weeks. The brain can take a total of up to 18 months to normalize after a porn addiction that has existed for years before. What you need is that 1-2 week break so that you can break the habit of using the computer for it. Its like having a tv, you become used to watching tv in the evening and when you get rid of the tv you can't watch it, so after a few days you want to watch tv, after a few weeks you don't even really get the urge to watch a tv.

People do not see the seriousness of the physiological affects that porn has so they disregard it, yet it is the 21st century, the age of easy access to knowledge, don't take my word for it, I didn't write a dissertation on it but I ask that you do your own reading and to let me know that when people see themselves after quitting the porn, they see themselves different, and sure you can blame it on "all in your head" but I would blame it as in the people addicted are in the "FOG" as a good termed comparison for this forum.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Jen, I'd be more concerned about the dating sites rather than the actual porn. It shows he was never serious about reconciling and only did so out of convenience.

Him being dishonest with the rest is a giving.

Edit: damn forgot to check the date.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Jen, I'd be more concerned about the dating sites rather than the actual porn. It shows he was never serious about reconciling and only did so out of convenience.
> 
> Him being dishonest with the rest is a giving.
> 
> Edit: damn forgot to check the date.


Me too!


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