# posOM? advice on what to do



## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Was told to move post here .

Hello folks, figured I would post here as the seperation is ongoing, her at her parents and me at the house, and I wanted your opinion. She has been moved out for 2 weeks and we were in seperate rooms for 3 weeks prior. I got the not in love and roommate speech a couple months ago. We have been married 1.5 years and together 9. Please read my other post for all details as I don't want to rehash that again. There were 2 miscarriages in the last year at the end of selt she checked out. Meanwhile just 2 months earlier I got a letter from her telling me how happy she is blah blah.

I suspected a posOM but couldn't prove it. There were all the red flags and when she said D her concern was about getting off the cell plan(odd). I told her the contract is up in feb.

Well today I check the cell records and a new number has popped up. Phone calls at 4am and she even called it immediately after we had a heart to heart last week. I did a reverse look up and it's a male coworker whom I have suspected all along. He's 10yrs older then her and divorced. I am pissed off but kind of suspected this. I feel like tearing down every wedding pic, pack her stuff and change the locks. I want to confront her about this but I don't know if it's good enough evidence. 

I have been going to MC by myself as she refuses to go and am planning to bring this up at MC on Saturday.

I've been Trying NC but want to break it to confront her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I think she would deny deny deny. When asked about the number She would would probably just leave when I brought it up. That's her MO these days.. Flight.. I know I shouldn't care but I do. 
Right Or wrong Im feeling I need to expose this bs and I don't know why. Maybe some satisfaction that my gut has been right for the last 3 months. The anger is overwhelming and apart of me wants to get even by exposing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Why do you want more evidence? Are you not convinced or do you need it for legal purposes?


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Both I guess. I have not retained a lawyer yet. I want enough that she couldn't deny, and would have to tell the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Not enough evidence to confront in my opinion. Are you on a trial seperation? Or headed for Divorce?

If you are headed for Divorce, stop trying to care. Just move on with your life. If you live in a 'fault' state, hire a PI and see if you can find proof. Use it in the divorce. If it's a no fault state, save your money.

If it's a trial and you have hopes of reconciling. Read the stickies and start your 180. Don't reach out to her for anything. When she does contact you, be the happiest man on the planet. 

Either way. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

cancel the cell plan.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

We have talked about it and it's always 'I think'. She reaches out and asks to go to dinner but it's always in a passive way. To be honest I havnt a clue of what this is. She can't have an adult conversation about it. In one sentence she drops D then the next day she says 'are u mad at me" or "what's wrong"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"I want a separation (and not divorce)" is often code for "give me time and space and money to try out my new affair partner"


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

"are u mad at me"
Yes, I am mad at you. Infact disgusted at the deception going on.

"what's wrong"?
How you are treating your partner of 9 years in this whole thing.

If she has an iphone, you can recover her texts. If you want to catch her red handed, give her a bait. Install a keylogger on the home computer


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> "are u mad at me"
> Yes, I am mad at you. Infact disgusted at the deception going on.
> 
> "what's wrong"?
> ...


Tell her you know and say forget the separation I am filing for divorce see what her reaction is but you should file it may be the only thing that forces her hand.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

So you dont know if there was OM before she left but you suspected it? Can you go back in the phone records to when this all started and spot anything suspicious?

She wont tell you the truth if you ask, they never do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you have access to her computer ?

Read your old thread. She definitely is in the middle of an affair. And it has been going on for a while. To tell you that she married you for comfort is absolutely cruel. So you waste your life for her f*ck ups ? Not to mention that she was leeching off your money through the relationship..


Does she work in a corporate environment ?

You should probably re-examine on why you would want such a flaky person like her back in your life. Imagine how bad this will be if you have kids.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I would expose 4 am phone calls to a divorce co worker is enough. Tell your family her family and your friends. I would also report it to her HR. Burst the dream of unicorns and rainbows.

I would file for divorce. You do not have to finish the Divorce but she needs to know you are serious. I would also go no contact on her as well.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Mine STILL refuses to acknowledge EA/PA, but doenst deny ( I have VAR evidence). I tried and tried to get more evidence, but at the end started to wonder why? She is OK with divorce....and SHE wants out...what more do I need to know.

Like your WS, mine refused MC, refused to work on marriage. A year ago I was the best H in the world...now there is no love. 

Also like your WS, I looked at phone records and found weird numbers from men at odd and inappropriate hours. Ultimately I VAR her on a burner phone. 

I came to the conclusion that i wasnt going to be plan b. So i confronted her and said either work on marriage or divorce. She chose divorce.

My point is, you may or may not even need it. Does she want out? If so, you dont need anything other evidence.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for the replies.. 

Do I want her back at this point, honestly no.. Wow first time I've said that. You are right warlock that was the cruelest statement ever said to me. I do feel completely used at this point! She has moved to her parents and took spare key to the car so I can't var the car. I want to change the ****ing locks on the door though but don't know if I legally can. I really want to expose this because her family thinks she is this angle!

Garry- she so wishy washy that I don't really know if she wants out, but I do feel like plan b at this point and it's got me pissed off.

If I'm gonna file I might as well reach out to talk and comfort about the phone calls. I deserve the respect of truth but I know deali g with this kind of person doesn't yield truth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

dzd&confused said:


> Do I want her back at this point, honestly no..


then start the process of divorce and start doing things for yourself

it's time for a new life and it will be exciting


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> Thanks for the replies..
> 
> Do I want her back at this point, honestly no.. Wow first time I've said that. You are right warlock that was the cruelest statement ever said to me. I do feel completely used at this point! She has moved to her parents and took spare key to the car so I can't var the car. I want to change the ****ing locks on the door though but don't know if I legally can. I really want to expose this because her family thinks she is this angle!
> 
> ...


So go ahead and expose nothing to lose and everything to gain my friend including your self respect!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd say exposé the affair widely especially at work, but betrayed husbands always choose fear of their wife getting fired over actually fighting for their marriage so I won't suggest it beyond saying

Exposé at work. Make the affair humiliating to continue, and if either of them gets fired all the better since it gets them apart,


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Well, she will ride the fence ON PURPOSE. Mine didnt want to tell me until it was convenient for her, and she was afraid to tell me. So, what? I live in limbo for 2 years while she has an affair? No, marriage or divorce, if marriage you go to MC, she cuts off contact with all OM. If divorce, file. DONT LET HER RIDE THE FENCE.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I would expose this but just have an AT&T bill showing phone calls and txts at really odd times. Inappropriate, yes but enough to send to her boss? I don't know. You and me know what's up but it's another thing to convince the workforce. 

No fence sitting Garry! I'm with u on that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I understand, I had NOTHING but the same thing....until I put down the VAR. Without that, I would be in limbo for a while...i got very lucky.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

dude, she's talking to this guy at 4am.....what more do you need? at the very least, their communication is highly inappropriate.

i'm sure you'll find more evidence if you invest in a VAR. that will give you the evidence you seek.


after just 1.5 years of marriage, she pulls this sh1t. how well do you know this woman?


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I agree....4am is not good. My STBXW talks to one of her friends at 1230-1, and she has ALWAYS gone to bed at like 9. 

VAR may just do it, put it under the car seat or in her favorite talking spot in the house (that is what worked for me). I got a cheap one for like $30 at walmart.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Together 9 years. I thought I knew her! I can't var the car because I have no key to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> Together 9 years. I thought I knew her! I can't var the car because I have no key to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You DID know her. The problem is, she has changed. I was married to my wife for more than 20 years when she went through a classic MLC - changed her completely (or another way to look at it is it allowed her TRUE personality to come out). Stuck it out for almost 4 more years of false R. I still struggle with the fact that my old wife (who I loved and who loved me) is gone - forever.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Together 17 years here ...she always told me "before you ever think of cheating on me, leave me first". Then she has an EA/PA. She ADORED me for 16 of those years...this year, she is done.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> You DID know her. The problem is, she has changed. I was married to my wife for more than 20 years when she went through a classic MLC - changed her completely (or another way to look at it is it allowed her TRUE personality to come out). Stuck it out for almost 4 more years of false R. I still struggle with the fact that my old wife (who I loved and who loved me) is gone - forever.


Yeah, I struggle with the "old wife" being gone. So she never snapped out of the fog huh?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah, I struggle with the "old wife" being gone. So she never snapped out of the fog huh?


She is still in the fog. Not with any specific OM, but with the notion that the key to her happiness is finding a younger guy (mid - 30's) who will give her goosebumps for the rest of her life. She (and her toxic friends) have the emotional maturity of an adolescent teen with puppy love. She is not snapping out any time soon, and I am tired of waiting.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

if you really want proof, you may need to hire a PI.

i think you're on the cusp of finding out the true nature of this workplace "relationship." IMO, her actions themselves speak loudly of CHEATER.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

It's really strange how people change. She is completely not being the person I knew even 4 months ago! How do you trust again? I can't even imagine that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> She is still in the fog. Not with any specific OM, but with the notion that the key to her happiness is finding a younger guy (mid - 30's) who will give her goosebumps for the rest of her life. She (and her toxic friends) have the emotional maturity of an adolescent teen with puppy love. She is not snapping out any time soon, and I am tired of waiting.


Yeah, my STBXW maybe just starting, so maybe 2-5 years waiting? nope...no can do. Mine I think is looking to generic freedom as her happiness, OM is a side benefit I think. Either way, Im not waiting either.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> It's really strange how people change. She is completely not being the person I knew even 4 months ago! How do you trust again? I can't even imagine that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, mine changed ALOT. It would take alot of work to trust again, and alot of compromise from the WS to help...I know my STBXW is not ready to give any concessions. So, I move on.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Would a flat tire (or two) help you out?


Would help me feel better that's for sure!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

My STBXW refused to go to MC too. Major red flag...mine didnt because she knew what she was doing is wrong...yours maybe in the same boat. 

At the very least, a 4am call to OM is prob enough to say stop adn go to MC or I leave. Your call, its a hard line i know. I wanted LOTS of stuff to confront her with..but....I didnt need it, on the VAR she said she wasnt in love anymore and wanted out. So, what was the point.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> I suspected a posOM but couldn't prove it.


You refer to the OM as a POS in the thread title and in your post. 

Why?

He could be a good guy who was told by your wife that YOU are a POS and that you're splitting up and it's ok for them to be together because the marriage is over. Don't just assume that because some guy is banging your wife he has no respect for your relationship. He is not the problem, he is not the one being deceptive and breaking the marital vows, SHE is.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Sorry to hear that Garry- those are tough words to hear.! I got "I married you out of comfort" but not a few days later I got "your the greatest man I've ever met". Mental?

Refusing MC was a red flag for me and it's when I started to really investigate. She dosnt want to go because she can/could never take blame for anything and always got defensive. I thought she was emotionally delicate but it's probably her defense mechanism. Never taking blame means you have no guilt about what you do.

I have a session on Saturday morning and am doing to discuss this there and see what the counseller says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

kindi said:


> You refer to the OM as a POS in the thread title and in your post.
> 
> Why?
> 
> He good be a good guy who was told by your wife that YOU are a POS and that you're splitting up and it's ok for them to be together because the marriage is over. Don't just assume that because some guy is banging your wife he has no respect for your relationship. He is not the problem, he is not the one being deceptive and breaking the marital vows, SHE is.


You are right, I don't know him from Adam and he could be the greatest guy in the world. my issue is with her. Pos is out of anger!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

kindi said:


> You refer to the OM as a POS in the thread title and in your post.
> 
> Why?
> 
> He good be a good guy who was told by your wife that YOU are a POS and that you're splitting up and it's ok for them to be together because the marriage is over. Don't just assume that because some guy is banging your wife he has no respect for your relationship. He is not the problem, he is not the one being deceptive and breaking the marital vows, SHE is.


Pure bravo sierra, right there.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> You are right, I don't know him from Adam and he could be the greatest guy in the world. my issue is with her. Pos is out of anger!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you were right the first time. It's POSOM. When does posom season start this year?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

kindi said:


> You refer to the OM as a POS in the thread title and in your post.
> 
> Why?
> 
> He good be a good guy who was told by your wife that YOU are a POS and that you're splitting up and it's ok for them to be together because the marriage is over. Don't just assume that because some guy is banging your wife he has no respect for your relationship. He is not the problem, he is not the one being deceptive and breaking the marital vows, SHE is.



You're correct, his wife is the problem. However, she has been moved out for what... 2 weeks? And separated for 3 weeks prior. So max - 5 weeks. I'm sorry, but any guy who moves in a situation that quickly is being an opportunist. Yeah, it takes two to tango, but I think calling him a POS is probably pretty accurate. In fact, I would guess that he was in the picture BEFORE the separation. They deserve each other.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Early 30's, no kids, recently married.

You got lucky. Move on, move on. 

If you stay, it'll take decades of misery and uncertainty before you can be sure of her fidelity. You'll always question when you have a child, if he/she is yours. You'll always wonder when one day you'll wake up with an incurable STD.

And dont have sex with her now, not even the HB, you dont her pregnant now.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Even before marrying - I lived by a code, and all of my friends lived by a code that we don't bang married women. Of course, being separated is not married - but mere weeks into a separation?? Call it old fashioned - but it's a guy code. Some guys live by it. Others, who haven't been able to attract a single mate - need the advantage of emotional vulnerability of an attached female of the species. So they violate the code because of their own deficiencies.

I reserve the right to call any guy who violates this code a POS.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dazed,

You know the sex started back when the distancing started. That was the source of her confusion. Death of a child (miscarriage) or parent seems to trigger affairs in women. My guess is that it's more likely what pushes them over the precipice after already toying with the idea. Oddly enough, attending weddings seems to have the same effect. There are actually guys, like your POSOM, who look to horn in on these occasions.

File for divorce immediately, expose to your FIL & DIL, allude to a PI investigation, provide them with the name of OM. Don't look back. DO change the locks. 

How are you getting to work if the STBXWW has your car?


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

With the comfort comment I stopped letting her use it. She went and Financed a used care for 7 years. God the freaking anger. Need to put d
Retainer down but the $$.

DIL FIL?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> With the comfort comment I stopped letting her use it. She went and Financed a used care for 7 years. God the freaking anger. Need to put d
> Retainer down but the $$.
> 
> DIL FIL?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shoulda been MIL and FIL, which are the in-laws.

Your wife has a lot going on, which makes her susceptible to this stuff at this point in her life, like peak sex drive, 7 year itch, etc. With the miscarriage it's kind of like a perfect storm. You can read all about that at MMSL and Roissy's Chateau if you want to understand the reason women do the things they do. That knowledge will serve you well in your upcoming single days, but don't use that understanding of her biological imperatives as an excuse to let her back into your life. I'm not big on reconciliation, but I think an attempt is warranted when kids are involved. That's fortunately not an issue for you, so I would say have her served at work.

Once she sees you moving on hard in a cloud of dust, she may realize she's made a mistake and come after you. Be a hard man and don't fall for it.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

thanks for the book Mach, ill check them out. perfect storm i can see that but she still had a choice. I wouldnt fall for that crap, im seeing through it! what i should also do is take her cats to her mom's pack her crap, change the locks and let her take the dog as I know she will be comming for it.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

If you are really concerned about finding the truth, order a transcript of all the text messages from your cell phone bills.

I think they retain 30 days worth. That's if you want definite proof, if you don't care then don't bother.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

you can do that? i work for the phone company and would think that is a violation of privacy. hmm


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> you can do that? i work for the phone company and would think that is a violation of privacy. hmm


Not if it is your account.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> I think she would deny deny deny. When asked about the number She would would probably just leave when I brought it up. That's her MO these days.. Flight.. I know I shouldn't care but I do.
> Right Or wrong Im feeling I need to expose this bs and I don't know why. Maybe some satisfaction that my gut has been right for the last 3 months. The anger is overwhelming and apart of me wants to get even by exposing!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why shouldn't you care? You can't turn love and caring off. Though you can minimise their impact on us, not let us do dumb stuff.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Carlton said:


> Not if it is your account.


I should correct, if your name is on the account. I think it takes a couple of weeks, but they mail them to you. 

If it isn't, you may be able to get your lawyer to subpoena a copy of the transcripts. They may or may not.

If your name isn't on the account, and you work for the phone company, why don't you print them or have a friend do it, I am sure that cute girl in accounting would do it for you. You can't use them in court, in many states it doesn't matter anyway. Tell her you downloaded them off of her phone via the computer. Wirelessly.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> thanks for the book Mach, ill check them out. perfect storm i can see that but she still had a choice. I wouldnt fall for that crap, im seeing through it! what i should also do is take her cats to her mom's pack her crap, change the locks and let her take the dog as I know she will be comming for it.


You can change the locks. It may be illegal to keep her out of the house, but it is not illegal to change the locks. If she tries to force her way back in legally, you may have to give her a key. She probably won't try though, so the lock change is a good move. Also good to pack up her stuff and her pets and deliver them to where she is staying. And file for divorce.

Likle Mach said, don't be surprised if she comes running back to you when she sees she no longer has you on a string.

Write a letter to her mom and dad about what you found with the phone calls at odd hours and that this is what you've suspected all along. Also include a copy of the letter she wrote you just a few months ago about how much in love with you she was. He rmom and dad will know it's the truth about the other man when she starts to see him openly soon.

Don't try to figure out your wife's behavior toward you based on what you said or did or what she said or did. Her behavior toward you is based on what other man said or did, not on what you said or did. When it runs cold with other man, she gets warm for you. When it's back on with other man, she is cold to you.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I do care and that's part of my problem. I had no idea you can do that with txt messages. For same of sanity I should just stop and move on.

I saw her last night. She wanted to see the pets and asked if she could come over and order a pizza. I said ok because I wanted to see what she would say. I took the time to bring up the phone calls and txts. I wanted to see for myself her reaction. I asked point blank is there anything in appropriate going on with OM. She said, as expected, he is just a friend. I said I don't call my friends at 4am other odd times. She got extremely defensive. I asked her point blank if she is talking to him about our marriage and me. She admitted that that is exactly what she is doing.

I went off on her. I've bitt my lip countless times in the last 3 months out of fear of saying the wrong thing or making her mad and loosing any hope I thought was there. She does these things that create confusion for me. Like dropping the divorce then asking me if I hate her, or what's wrong. She even left a note when I wasn't home and said u hate me now? She randomly sends a txt saying hi. All these things frustrate the hell out of me because its confusing.

Sigh..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> I asked her point blank if she is talking to him about our marriage and me. She admitted that that is exactly what she is doing.
> 
> Sigh..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, when you know they are discussing your personal issues, that's when you know it's real, a real affair. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You can change the locks. It may be illegal to keep her out of the house, but it is not illegal to change the locks. If she tries to force her way back in legally, you may have to give her a key. She probably won't try though, so the lock change is a good move. Also good to pack up her stuff and her pets and deliver them to where she is staying. And file for divorce.
> 
> Likle Mach said, don't be surprised if she comes running back to you when she sees she no longer has you on a string.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice will. Here's the issue with the pets. She is currently contributing to the mortgage payment and the extra money is helping me out and I think I'll need it especially for D. She has already said she feels if she's paying part of mortgage and not staying in the house at least her cats should be able too. I'm a little worried about loosing the extra $
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I am going to write her mom and email right now and include a picture of the note she wrote in July. I feel they deserve to know the truth because they believed in us so much. I've told my family and they are in complete shock.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Thank you for the support bobka. I am glade I found this site. Very supportive and it's a great outlet
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is your name on the cell phone account? If so you can call and have his number blocked from her phone.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, just have a look at the some of the threads on this site. Your story(and her story) is following a script. Script as in stuff that repeatedly keeps happening in the affairs. Don't be in denial that they might have had sex. Do you see someone pursuing your wife for over a year with nothing in return ?


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Absolutly not warlock. I am not in denial of it. I've read a ton of threads and it's eerie how similar the story's are. 

Shaggy- my name is on the cell phone plan and I'm planning to look into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

^stop _planning on __doing these things _and DO THEM already!

and stop trying to "nice her" into coming back.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

kindi said:


> You refer to the OM as a POS in the thread title and in your post.
> 
> Why?
> 
> He good be a good guy who was told by your wife that YOU are a POS and that you're splitting up and it's ok for them to be together because the marriage is over. Don't just assume that because some guy is banging your wife he has no respect for your relationship. He is not the problem, he is not the one being deceptive and breaking the marital vows, SHE is.


A rose is still a rose........

A POS is still a POS..............

A woman is still married till the divorce is final. Only a POS will date a married woman.

There have been many a separation when a marriage was rocky without any affairs.

What happens quite often is the separated spouses realize they were to quick to throw in the towel and want to recovery their marriage.

So what is the problem?

The problem is that one of them dated and have sex with a POSOM/POSOW. The one that got laid will claim it was not an affair we were separated.

However to the one that did not date will fell that a hole was burnt through their heart with a blow torch just as if they never separated and their WS had an affair, because their spouses dating a POS during the separation will hurt just the same as an affair if they never had separated.

Argue technicalities all you want that is was not an affair. Your technicalities will not ease the pain of the broken heart.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Sent the email to her mom, I don’t expect her to do much with it though.

Ive been really struggling the last few days. Frankly im scared, sad, angry all at the same time. Im actually worried about filing and not telling her. Where have my [email protected] gone? I don’t know why im worried about her but I am. On the surface it makes no sense yet I still worry. I know it’s the only option yet im afraid. Its like she is pushing me to do it. I told her weeks ago if she wanted a D to file it. She hasn’t. I feel like I should contact her and ask how she wants to proceed… mediation or lawyer… whats freaking wrong with me? 

I have managed to come up with half the retainer and hoping come Friday I will have the rest.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> Sent the email to her mom, I don’t expect her to do much with it though.
> 
> Ive been really struggling the last few days. Frankly im scared, sad, angry all at the same time. Im actually worried about filing and not telling her. Where have my [email protected] gone? I don’t know why im worried about her but I am. On the surface it makes no sense yet I still worry. I know it’s the only option yet im afraid. Its like she is pushing me to do it. I told her weeks ago if she wanted a D to file it. She hasn’t. I feel like I should contact her and ask how she wants to proceed… mediation or lawyer… whats freaking wrong with me?
> 
> I have managed to come up with half the retainer and hoping come Friday I will have the rest.


Sound like me. I waited for 2-3 weeks, not sure what to do or how to do it. I then got the petition, and filed. Handed it to her in an evenlope the day after her birthday, and said "I got you want you wanted for your birthday". She didnt care, maybe was relieved i dunno. Been almost a month, never made a comment...a non event to her...though i know she is acting all cool.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> ^stop _planning on __doing these things _and DO THEM already!
> 
> and stop trying to "nice her" into coming back.


Everyone is afraid to stand up and be strong becau se they are afraid they will run the other person off and in the end they will feel like they ruined the marriage by standing up to their partner. Its sad but true. I found this site well after my initial DD but in the last two months that I have been reading and posting I have seen with my own eyes how my own WH reacts to me differently when I stand up for myself and dont beg and cry.

When you're in the beginning of it all you feel like you cant or they will run away. If you try it, even in baby steps you will see it works!


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Everyone is afraid to stand up and be strong becau se they are afraid they will run the other person off and in the end they will feel like they ruined the marriage by standing up to their partner. Its sad but true. I found this site well after my initial DD but in the last two months that I have been reading and posting I have seen with my own eyes how my own WH reacts to me differently when I stand up for myself and dont beg and cry.
> 
> When you're in the beginning of it all you feel like you cant or they will run away. If you try it, even in baby steps you will see it works!


That is how it feels. Feels like everything is my fault and by filing Im the one giving up on everything, I'm the one with the regret while she can say "he filed". I've read enough threads to know that I should worry about ME at this point and not her. She left, she didnt want to work on anything, she said brutal things, she married out of "comfort". Its so much easier said then done. What kind of person would marry someone out of comfort? I wish I was at a place where I could cheerfully file and just be a d1ck but that's not who I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

What do you mean by baby steps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Everyone is afraid to stand up and be strong becau se they are afraid they will run the other person off and in the end they will feel like they ruined the marriage by standing up to their partner. Its sad but true. I found this site well after my initial DD but in the last two months that I have been reading and posting I have seen with my own eyes how my own WH reacts to me differently when I stand up for myself and dont beg and cry.
> 
> When you're in the beginning of it all you feel like you cant or they will run away. If you try it, even in baby steps you will see it works!


I was afraid, scared, crushed etc. I still worry about how my kids will react, they are my world. But, the more time that passes, the more I just want her gone.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> That is how it feels. Feels like everything is my fault and by filing Im the one giving up on everything, I'm the one with the regret while she can say "he filed". I've read enough threads to know that I should worry about ME at this point and not her. She left, she didnt want to work on anything, she said brutal things, she married out of "comfort". Its so much easier said then done. What kind of person would marry someone out of comfort? I wish I was at a place where I could cheerfully file and just be a d1ck but that's not who I am.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its not your fault, just like its not mine. I try to get her to talk about, so I can have SOME sense that we worked on it prior to finalizing..she wont...total denial. No MC, dont discuss, dont talk...just wants out. Drives me nuts.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

That's exactly it garry, i know how you feel! She just wanted out, done, then there was stringing along. Its got me messed up man, can't concentrate on anything. The only relief is when I go to the MC. 

I hate the feeling of being a failure. That's the worst!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

She is so messed up, she just plans to tell everyone "we fought alot", so we divorced. Which we didnt, and wouldnt MC be the reasonable option? She is just not thinking at all...again, just wants out, I guess to be with her OM, though she refuses to acknowledge him too.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> That is how it feels. Feels like everything is my fault and by filing Im the one giving up on everything, I'm the one with the regret while she can say "he filed". I've read enough threads to know that I should worry about ME at this point and not her. She left, she didnt want to work on anythng, she said brutal things, she married out of "comfort". Its so much easier said then done. What kind of person would marry someone out of comfort? I wish I was at a place where I could cheerfully file and just be a d1ck but that's not who I am.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im not sure I believe that she means that, its just something to say to hurt you so that you are weak and beg and cry and that gives her all of the power again. I dont think you will ever be at a place where you can CHEERFULLY file. That would take a long time, I think! Dont beat yourself up, just work hard on the 180. The less you give her the better off you will be in the end (whether you are together or not).


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

For your own health, all around well-being and removing any possibility of creating a revolving 'reasonable doubt' door she can always prey on/access to your heart, use this time to your advantage. Think, think, get resourceful again. No one knows her better than you. Get into her phone and access the messages, think of something like inviting her out for dinner, say something happened to your phone and ask to use her phone. Take it to the restroom and install the app. This way you will know the real deal, which may be really hard to take but in the end will sky-rocket you to knowing exactly who you are, what you can live with and what you can live without. It's an unpleasant and ugly process full of what if's, anger and every human emotion possible. You must know from now, that this is a process and it too shall pass. It's gonna show you who you really are and what exactly you are made of. It already sounds like you take the higher road anyway, so get grounded again. In the meantime, run, jog, do whatever exercise you must to rid your self of the 3 month adrenaline build up in your system...This is the healthiest way to channel your anger and rage.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

RRT, she's moved out and based on phone records moved on to deal with this with another guy. She's admitted to talking to him about us and our marriage. She said he is helping her through this. I don't think I want to torture myself by continuing to investigate to find somthing I deep down believe is happening. On the other hand though the revolving doubt is almost as bad. I'm probably in denial because the script that plays out in everyone's thread is pretty much what happened I just did not hear the VAR or read the txts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Called cell provider and they are not able to provide anything more the. Just the phone number and time. They will not provide the content.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> Called cell provider and they are not able to provide anything more the. Just the phone number and time. They will not provide the content.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thats what i thought...privacy issue.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> RRT, she's moved out and based on phone records moved on to deal with this with another guy. She's admitted to talking to him about us and our marriage. She said he is helping her through this. I don't think I want to torture myself by continuing to investigate to find somthing I deep down believe is happening. On the other hand though the revolving doubt is almost as bad. I'm probably in denial because the script that plays out in everyone's thread is pretty much what happened I just did not hear the VAR or read the txts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see. I understand, sorry if I didn't fully so. In her own way, she is being honest with you to some degree and you have to respect that (It means she has a smidgen of respect for you, even if barely any for herself). You are right, no need to find out anything more. Just take care of yourself and know you aren't the only one going through this...not alone in a subjective experience. Exercise, breathe deeply, take care of yourself, ride the bull knowing one day it will stop. This too shall pass.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> she can say "he filed".


and you say _"because she's f*ckin' cheating on me." _


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Just hear to vent. We didnt have kids yet and I know this may sound petty compared to other peoples stories on here. I couldnt imagine having a child and going through this. My heart goes out to everyone going through that! We had dogs and those dogs mean everything to us. Since she moved out one dog was been treated as 'joint custody'. It seemed silly to me too but i love that dog and if that kept things civil and lawyers out of it i was fine with it.

Well I come home today and as agreed the dog was gone but so was the crate, food and all the toys. Everything was gone. I text her asking if she would be bring it back on sunday. Her reply was NO.

what kind of cold hearted b**** does that? you have got to be kidding me. She KNEW that would hurt and she went about it in such a mean way. 

I promptly emptied the joint bank account, which didnt have much but it at least covers her half of the mortgage for next month.

This was going civil and she pulls this crap. After looking around a little closer shes taken digital camera, laptop and who knows what else i just havnt noticed yet. How do people bring themselves to do this sh1t. Its just beyond me. Who is this person?????? and what the hell did i do to deserve this crap.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

On a lighter note I was txt'n with a buddy venting about the above. and when i wrote that i took the money from joint account and being frustrated about the situation I accidently sent it to her.. whoops. [email protected] i am.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope your dog bites OM!


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I managed to get the rest of the money, retained a lawyer and filed for divorce yesterday. Almost broke down in the lawyers office. Its all so surreal, but the only option left. 

Since she moved out of state to her parents place they have no choice but to serve her at work Monday or Tuesday. Honestly i do not think she will care in the slightest. She dosnt seem to care about the last 9 years at all. Not even sure she will care to discuss how to move forward re: divorce. She has the dog and it seems all she really cared about.

Picking up my peices and moving forward. Its all i can do. I start voluntering at a local dog shelter today. Im looking forward to helping a cause and hopefully meeting some new people. Rebuilding a circle of friends seems like a daunting task but we shall see how it goes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude that is an awsome thing your doing...chicks dig dog lovers you will be fine.
Dog folks are cool people, you'll met all kind of friends.

The hardest thing in life was dealing with my cheating spouse, the second hardest was putting my dog down last year. Keep an eye on these folks that have to let go of there dog they really need support.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's hard to believe isn't it? 
For almost 9 years she saw you as the rock of her life. Now she sees you as just a rock in her way. Don't expect her to play nice during the divorce. She's going to go for your throat.

Prepare yourself mentally. I like that your going to work at the animal shelter. Volunteer at a soup kitchen too. Stay healthy get some exercise. Eat right - limit fast foods.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Hey guy, thanks for the encouraging words! Dog people are my kind of people! Sorry to hear about your poocher was he/she sick? II have a dog that I rescued my junior year of college. He's been through everything with me... College educated, several moves, a marriage and upcoming divorce! He has seen it all. He's is getting up there in age, 12 years, and has really slowed down alot. I try not to think about it but I know what's comming.

He is part of what angered me so much when She took the younger dog. I told her the younger dog keeps the older one youthful. And it's 100% true. Even after only a few days the change is noticeable. Today he layed on the couch and just wined. He has never done that before. Very sad!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

in need of a 2x4 i think... and have to vent.

She reached out to me to discuss the divorce. She received papers late last week. The sit down was originally to discuss splitting everything up but it turned emotional and we started talking about the relationship. not even sure how it happened. I probably started it.

The moment we started talking she was crying. they seemed like sincere tears. I tried to keep my composure. We started discussing divorce details and she told me that I filed after only a couple weeks of her moving out (more like a month) and she seemed upset about that. The day i found out she got served i was ill.. actually sick to my stomach i was so upset that this happened. I told her that i wasnt left with a choice and that this has been going on since Sept and I tried and tried to get her to go to MC and she refused. She said my actions since shes moved out did not show her that i wanted to work on anything(she said "You have a funny way of showing it") and that i havnt txtd and seemed angry the last time we saw eachother. I was angry the last time i saw her, I reminded her that she dropped D. I remindered her of the things she has said to me. Why would i text? i didnt leave? What about the last 3 months and her absolute refusal to MC? She told me she didnt believe I wanted to work on anything. HUH? this makes no sense to me? Am I going insane? Was she not present during sept, oct, nov? How do you make it any more clearer then "I scheduled a MC appointment, will you come"? 

She told me that the moment she took off her ring was the moment when her mom showed her the email i sent her about the OM. She said that it made her very angry. When I asked what was it all about with OM, why phone calls at 4am and txts late at night, she said its her life and its none of my business. She said when i get somthing stuck in my head thats the way it is. this isnt true, what else do i have to believe? why do i even care? 

I did bring up MC again, as I have an apt tomorrow morning, and her response was I dont know how to answer that. Dont know why I even tried. I have a lingering hope i guess. sigh.... 

why do i go back for more? why cant i just accept? one second im confident about my decision and the next im second guessing. Its a crazy state of mind to be in. When i see her cry it breaks me a little inside... I dont really know what Ive done that would cause her to cry other then give her the D that shes asked for several times. Am i being insensative? 

She is obviously in pain over this but refuses to try to work on it. Reflecting back onto the relationship I can not see anything that Ive done different in the last 1.5 years then in the last 7.5(unmarried). I admit my faults openly to her yet she cannot do the same.

poor communication - it can wreck anything!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's in pain? No way! YOU are in pain. 
She's emotional because she can't have two men and two dogs. She wants everything. You get leftovers. That's what she's crying about. 

You are trying to ascribe YOUR moral code onto her. She has her own. 

"It's my life" That's what she said. Not; "It's OUR lives" Not: "It's OUR problem" 

Her use of "I" , "me" should tell you how she thinks. It's all about the little princess. She doesn't want to lose her serf. 

All your arguments were logical. She's not logical. She's also not the woman you once knew. And she will never be again because she's tasted 'the other side of life'. She likes that side. 

She's not your partner, not your friend, not your soulmate in any shape or form. Even if she does come back it'll be because you accept her new style of living. Don't fool yourself. 

Just as I was once an alterboy, I am no longer. I don't think that way, I don't act that way, I will never be again. Same with her. She's moved on to a new style. 

So beware.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> She's in pain? No way! YOU are in pain.
> She's emotional because she can't have two men and two dogs. She wants everything. You get leftovers. That's what she's crying about.
> 
> You are trying to ascribe YOUR moral code onto her. She has her own. *I hadnt thought about that. You are 100% correct and that is exactly what im trying to do. dosnt make any sense why i do it.. reading this forum for just 5 minutes teaches you immediatly that you cant control other peoples behavior. I need to remember that and apply it.*
> ...


thanks for the comment; what you say really does make sense and is a perspective i had not thought of which is exactly why i post here. 

I need to know, for myself, ive done everything i can do. I cannot have a regret. I dont think i could live with myself if i didnt know i tried the best i could.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Remind her that she told you that she married you out of comfort, not out of love



> she told me that I filed after only a couple weeks of her moving out (more like a month) and she seemed upset about that.


Her ego is hurt, nothing about you.



> She said my actions since shes moved out did not show her that i wanted to work on anything


Why should you ? You can work if there is love from both the sides. You were breaking your head over this the last few months. She is just worried about the finality of divorce.

Once again, her go is hurt on how easily you are dumping her. Nothing to do with her love towards you..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she contacts you, text her that while you go to marriage counseling, she goes to her boyfriend.

Put him on cheaterville.com and send him the link via their anonymous email service.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Definitely put him on cheaterville. Jut for a reaction.

And Dzd, when a marriage partner becomes uncommunicative with their spouse, stops sharing the marital bed, moves out to fulfill the separation, those are the signs that say "I am no longer working on this marriage".

So what the hell did she expect you to do? Stay home and wait for her. Of course it is all your fault in her mind. Her mind has not been all there for months.

But as soon as she involved a 3rd person into your marriage, well my friend the writing is on the wall. She has no right to involve a single man into your marriage. Absolutely none.

She has no respect for you or your marriage. All of her actions prove it.

By filing you have just shown her that you will no longer tolerate her lack of respect for you and the marriage.

All you can do is Divorce her, pick up the pieces and live a great life. You can also hope that she gets IC to help sort out her issues.

They are hers, not your yours.

So in your goodbye email to her write all of that to her if you feel that way. I would have just over the hurtful comments she passed your way. And send it to her, her parents and her boyfriend.

It all comes down to respect. You deserve that much. If not go and take it!

Make 2013 awesome. 

I look forward to your updates.

And no more dinners. Your wife is so messed up all she can do is mess with your head.

Sometimes a BS just has to save themselves without helping their WS. Especially when the WS is the only person that can help themselves.

HM64


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

First emotionally i am in a different place then i was back at the end of Dec. I still have really bad moments where i just cry, see red, depression. I still struggle and it seems it will never end, though i have some resolve at this point which feels good. but if im being honest I still had hope, which is just insane.

<rant>

Since the end of december I painfully tried to move this forward. Getting an appraisal to find out how underwater the house is etc. Well dont ya know she followed this freaking script to a tee. Early January, my birthday, was the appraisal. She came over and after the appraisal she asked if she could take me out to dinner for my birthday. I politely responded with I have plans which I did. She ends up txting me asking if we could talk which I agreed to (stupid).

About an hour later she shows up, tears in her eye's sits on the couch and says "Im not ready to give up on this". I was taken a little back because she has been so cold for months. I told her that if she wanted to go to MC then make an appointment let me know where and when. If anything id go for closure. I then bring up her "friend" and she tells me she told him they can no longer be friends. 

She maintains they were ONLY friends! I let it go figuring it wasn’t worth the argument but the way her demeanor changed from crying to anger/agitation when OM was brought up was very telling.

She agreed to go to IC then make an MC appointment, If this has happened I dont know. we did hang out a couple time over the last weeks (2x4). The way she wanted to just ignore the last 3 months was astounding. How can someone do that? I dont understand how someone can compartmentalize like that. She wanted to rug sweep.

It all came to a head last week when she asked if i would go to her sisters to see the baby and have dinner (something we USED to do all the time). I agreed (2x4). Ive told myself all along that i didnt want to doubt anything and knew he had texted her the prior day. I got into the car, took her phone and looked. no txts... when asked why this is what i got:
"I try to keep my txt inbox clean... unlike yours where you have txts from anyone whose ever sent one"

NO SH!T SHERLOCK i have no reason to delete them and you cant get any more organized with an iphone.

I wanted to know what she did for new years. I just wanted to know

She spent New Years with him in a hotel in another state. This is what she told me "we kissed on the cheek". I lost it on her. I know she is/has been banging this guy. I know so please to tell me how blind I am. I get that. 

Losing it on her actually felt good...then bad... But i got a lot off my chest, i reminder her of everything shes said to me and the choices she has made. Everything that Ive bitten my lip on I let out. I needed to do that. Since then i went dark again.

Wouldnt you know I get a txt 4 days later that said: (the script again)

WW "I have so many thing i want to say to you but im afraid of the backlash"

DZ "ok, id like to hear what you have to say"

I knew the comment was bullsh1t and wanted to call her out on it which is why i said ok. Needless to say she then goes on to say how she now dosnt know what to say to me.. Amazing, but why say it originally?

Another txt yesterday asking if i needed anything for the storms like food, water, etc. I told her no. But WHY would she do that? What purpose does that serve? Is it relieving guilt?


Since I started pushing full steam ahead with D she has:

Told me she loved me (bullsh1t where was that on new years, Christmas and thanksgiving, oct, sept and who knows how far back? )

Told me she didn’t want to give up (bullsh1t you havnt done a single thing you said you were going to do, you show anger when discussing OM and cant even admit what you’ve done)

Told me she never said things to me like "Married you out of comfort (bullsh1t you know damn freaking well you did!) how can she deny that is beyond me
</rant>


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I learned something about myself going through the last few weeks. I actually feel worse when I was spending time with her. The lack of self respect I would feel after hanging out with her was torture.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

chapparal said:


> If she contacts you, text her that while you go to marriage counseling, she goes to her boyfriend.
> 
> Put him on cheaterville.com and send him the link via their anonymous email service.


They will both be going on there after D no doubt. Along with a few other vindictive things.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you are done with her - then BE DONE!

No meetings, no talking, no responding to text, nothing except contact to finalize the divorce.

And please stop trying to figure out WHY she does things or why she says things. It will just drive you crazy and you will never arrive at a logical reason for any of it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow it only took a few months for the affair to fall apart once it became her reality and the day to day crap came along with it.

Funny how fantasy fog goes away and when reality sets in....and now she want back....go figure!!!!!!!!

I imagine the day your old lady can look you in the eye a say "the OM banged me, used me, and it was all my fault" is the day you will take her back?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't be surprised to discover that POSOM has cheated on her since New Year - 
He may be detaching from her now that she will be single. He probably keeps wanting to play with 'safe' married women - no strings. 

Those possibilities are most likely realities. Moreso than the possibility that she's remorseful. If she were remorseful, she would confess when asked about OM. She wouldn't anger so quickly. 

Since you've not bought her line of bullsnot she's trying every trick in the book. She's responsible for her life now - always has been, she told you that very thing herself. 

Now make it happen.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, I have a feeling her plan A fell apart.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Another thing I'm thinking is now that she realizes she got used by OM, its even more of a sore spot for her to discuss.

A very bad trait to have when it comes to repeating this kind of behavior in the future.

At the end of the day that is were your stance should be, " what is she going to do to affair proof her marriage"... when in her head she doesn't need the armor to affair proof anything.

I believe you have a repeat offender in the making!!!!!!!


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> If you are done with her - then BE DONE!
> 
> No meetings, no talking, no responding to text, nothing except contact to finalize the divorce.
> 
> And please stop trying to figure out WHY she does things or why she says things. It will just drive you crazy and you will never arrive at a logical reason for any of it.


cant argue with that, being done.

I do try to understand the why's and i know its vutile but cant help it. I know i do not control anything outside of myself but im a very logical person and trying to put logic to this is not healthy, yet i do it anyways :/


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

the guy said:


> Wow it only took a few months for the affair to fall apart once it became her reality and the day to day crap came along with it.
> 
> Funny how fantasy fog goes away and when reality sets in....and now she want back....go figure!!!!!!!!
> 
> I imagine the day your old lady can look you in the eye a say "the OM banged me, used me, and it was all my fault" is the day you will take her back?


I have a feeling that my letter to her mother exposing them definetly gave her a dose of reality when her mother showed it to her. That relationship was bound to fail. They work together in the same department. In fact she will be applying for the manager position for that same department which means she would be his boss. Insaity. 

Not saying i would do this but a phone call to her now boss letting her know stbx is banging a coworker wouldnt look good during the interview process. I cant help what my friends do however..


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> I have a feeling that my letter to her mother exposing them definetly gave her a dose of reality when her mother showed it to her. That relationship was bound to fail. They work together in the same department. In fact she will be applying for the manager position for that same department which means she would be his boss. Insaity.
> 
> *Not saying i would do this but a phone call to her now boss letting her know stbx is banging a coworker wouldnt look good during the interview process. I cant help what my friends do however..*


You should be doing this yourself. It's exposure 101. But you should do it in the right fashion, not just a phone call or depending on a friend to do YOUR job for you.

Read.....



MelodyLane said:


> Dr Bill Harley to a SAHM said:
> 
> 
> > "I have not read everything in this thread, but I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action. While most companies will cooperate with the betrayed spouse to separate unfaithful employees, some do not. But it's still worth pursuing considering the suffering that affairs cause. And it definitely speeds up the death of an affair.
> ...


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Don't be surprised to discover that POSOM has cheated on her since New Year -
> He may be detaching from her now that she will be single. He probably keeps wanting to play with 'safe' married women - no strings.
> 
> Those possibilities are most likely realities. Moreso than the possibility that she's remorseful. If she were remorseful, she would confess when asked about OM. She wouldn't anger so quickly.
> ...


She completly expected to rugsweep this entire thing and did not anticipate me calling her out and not letting it go. That kind of says somthing about the relationship. I was the doormat, i see that. I can even pinpoint times when i bit my lip and swallowed hard just to not rock the boat. 

The rugsweeping attempt was so painfully obvious. Sad thing is Im not sure I would have noticed had I not read this forum so much. There wasnt even a sense of accountability for what she did. nothing.. soulless

She did, her exact words "Its MY life"... How did i not see this comming. Hope my pickers not broken


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

On a lighter note: Was invited to a neighbors house tonight for dinner and some cards. Great people. Ive never really been close to them but they used to always invite us over. We never went because stxw thought they hated her. Thing about that is she never met them, yet some how that hate her..odd.. 

Thinking back she said that alot abbout other people. Should have been a big red flag right up front. 

Walked ofer there about 630 and there was maybe 5 inches of snow. Walking home it was over my knee! Its gangbusters out there.


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

I just read this whole thread ! what a remarkable transformation you have made from post 1. Keep up the great work . I think you are no longer confused . Might change your name to DZD & healing . LOL If I knew you personally I would tell you how proud I am of you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> I have a feeling that my letter to her mother exposing them definetly gave her a dose of reality when her mother showed it to her. That relationship was bound to fail. They work together in the same department. In fact she will be applying for the manager position for that same department which means she would be his boss. Insaity.
> 
> Not saying i would do this but a phone call to her now boss letting her know stbx is banging a coworker wouldnt look good during the interview process. I cant help what my friends do however..


Normally I say no to revenge tactics but that kind of crap in the work place turns my stomach.

I do hope your friend narcs on them. They deserve it!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

D&C

It sucks when you have a spouse that respects no one, not even themselves.

It is why they lie to you and themselves.

It is how they live with their crappy decisions and actions.

But at least you can sever the connection. Not see or hear the source of misery.

So do it. Make new friends. And have an awesome life.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for the comments. I really do need to see a brighter future for myself. Its difficult to do. I never really realized how much spare time i had. I need to figure out how to fill this time. Being alone blows!

Woke up to 31 inches of snow. Most snow ive seen while living in this state. Took about 2 hours to snow blow and dig out. Then went and started helping a neighbor... wouldnt you know the snow blower breaks down. Its just a tension spring that broke but all stores are closed. Oh well.. will have to go back to the old fashion way.. a shovel and some hard work.

STBX and I dont have much in regards to assets to split up. She could go after my 401k which has a healthy balance in it but luckly this happened only 1.5 years in, Im thankful. Other then that theres the house. Anyone with advise on an underwater house by about 10%? I can afford to keep it but budget would be tight. Also emotionaly its very difficult right now to be in here. Everything is a reminder and often makes me sad angry etc.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Similar situation here. I would assume you cold sell the house and have her pay half the shortage. I plan on keeping my house... I don't think it will bother me to have her not here... We will see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why isn't the OM on cheaterville right now? Why hold back?

So she's still banging him while trying to talk you into gong out with her and to stop the D. That's very very trashy.

Postng him now isn't vindictive, it's telling the truth, doing it after the D will seem nothing but vindictive


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> Similar situation here. I would assume you cold sell the house and have her pay half the shortage. I plan on keeping my house... I don't think it will bother me to have her not here... We will see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a little time to decide, i hope i can get over the reminders but this house was supposed to be the house we started a family in, went through 2 miscarriges in, and now the destruction of a marriage in. Its just alot of baggage for one building. Maybe im nuts.. i dont know.

I see things every day. Like today i go to the shed for shovel and snow blower and out of the corner of my eye I see the Plant Pots she used and it just set me back. Even the kitchen floor.. We redid the kitchen together earlier this year and the floor was our little project. We did the entire thing together.. it was fun. I look at the floor now and say WTF.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why isn't the OM on cheaterville right now? Why hold back?
> 
> So she's still banging him while trying to talk you into gong out with her and to stop the D. That's very very trashy.
> 
> Postng him now isn't vindictive, it's telling the truth, doing it after the D will seem nothing but vindictive


Simply because in one of our talks about D we agreed to whats mine is mine and hers is hers. If it goes down that way I am far ahead of the game. If she leaves my cash alone, my 401k alone, and I don’t take any of her debt I am in a better financial position to move forward. If I rock that boat at this point I jeopardize that mentality.

Its about moving on and not moving in a limbo state. True colors have been shown. I need to move on in a way that is best for me, financially and emotionally. I fear rocking the boat.. Believe me I want to f*cking put up bilboards and thats no joke! Not healthy for me either but still no joke.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Reading NMMNG: astounding the stuff in there. Its been pretty eye opening for me.. Even the first few chapters... I relate to it. Even reflecting onto my childhood. Theres no doubt that I harbored resentment twords her through some of this relationship. I even see how I withdrew emotionally myself out of that resentment of which had nothing to do with her. :/ I sought validation in her daily. [email protected] i am


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> Simply because in one of our talks about D we agreed to whats mine is mine and hers is hers. If it goes down that way I am far ahead of the game. If she leaves my cash alone, my 401k alone, and I don’t take any of her debt I am in a better financial position to move forward. If I rock that boat at this point I jeopardize that mentality.
> 
> At this point its about moving on and not moving in a limbo state. True colors have been shown. I need to move on in a way that is best for me period, financially and emotionally.
> 
> I fear rocking the boat at this time. Though believe me I want to f*cking put up bilboards and thats no joke! Not healthy for me either but still no joke.


While I understand that viewpoint, there's one thing you better wrap your arms around and start getting used to. The closer it gets to crunch time, the more demanding she is going to be. Then there will be a little more, and then again a little more. By the time you get to the finish line it's more likely than not you're going to be exactly where you would've been had you blown this sky high yesterday.

Been around these boards way too long, and while it does on rare occasion pan out the way you are hoping, it's a gamble of extraordinarily long odds.

I pray that you are right and we're wrong.

But don't say you weren't warned if we're not.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

HA - I just went to cheaterville. and posom's name and exact city have been searched several times. Either hes checking for himself or someones been checking.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

3putt said:


> While I understand that viewpoint, there's one thing you better wrap your arms around and start getting used to. The closer it gets to crunch time, the more demanding she is going to be. Then there will be a little more, and then again a little more. By the time you get to the finish line it's more likely than not you're going to be exactly where you would've been had you blown this sky high yesterday.
> 
> Been around these boards way too long, and while it does on rare occasion pan out the way you are hoping, it's a gamble of extraordinarily long odds.
> 
> ...


Yeah wishfull thinking I am sure. I understand what your saying and am probably in denial... seems to be my MO these days. Might as well expect the worse so if it happens Im not too taken back or emotionaly invested.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

dzd&confused said:


> HA - I just went to cheaterville. and posom's name and exact city have been searched several times. Either hes checking for himself or someones been checking.


Or this isn't his first rodeo.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> HA - I just went to cheaterville. and posom's name and exact city have been searched several times. Either hes checking for himself or someones been checking.





Shaggy said:


> Or this isn't his first rodeo.


Or _somebodys_ been reading your posts about Cheaterville!


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Or _somebodys_ been reading your posts about Cheaterville!


Very true but its no longer my problem and could care less. I would have cared thinking it would push _somebody_ further away but at this point.. whats the point of caring?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Just be a bit careful about what you post. No advance notice of any crucial plans just in case.

Unless you feel that the searches were a coincidence?


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Complete guess but Id say coincidence. but regardless your right. I should be tight lipped regarding plans, thanks!

dang now you got me paranoid.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean everybody isn't out to get you.

Sorry about that, it just seemed a little suspicious that you were posting about putting OM and STBX on Cheaterville and then next you see a search for that name in the city involved.


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