# Personal growth



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I truly believe that life reflects back to us what our internal identity is. If we are having problems with some area of life it is because we have fears and insecurities in that area of our own identity. If we have problems with sex it is because we have insecurities about sex. Life does not create obstacles for us. We create fears and insecurities for ourselves and then life reflects them to us through external events.

This whole game that we call life is really just one big exercise in personal growth. Spirit enters into the world in human form in order to meet itself face to face. Each of us projects to the world what our own personal identity is and the world reflects it back to us. If our identity contains some element of fear about our own attractiveness and ability as a lover then the world with faithfully capture that for us in sexual difficulties. If we have fear about being unlovable then we will have relationship problems that reflect that fear.

Because we do not understand this, we all struggle to try and make the world match our ideas of what it should be. We try to force our spouse to be sexual so that we will not have to face our own fears and insecurities in this area. It does not work. The purpose of the universe is to reflect the true nature of spirit in any moment. It will not bend to an idea. It will only reflect your true nature in a particular moment. The more fearful we are about sex and marriage, the more life will resist us in this area. That is how the game of life works. You are required to face resistance in the outside world until such time as you make peace with the aspect of yourself that is creating it. Then the problems start to go away. It is not because you found the magic formula to seduce your spouse. It is because you stopped struggling with them and did the internal work to let go of your fears around your spouse and your marriage. You created a new identity that is not fearful about sex and marriage, and thus the universe reflects a new reality back to you. It rebuilds itself around the new identity that you created.
Sometimes the rebuilding happens within the marriage. Your spouse is ready to grow with you and you go up together.
Sometimes the marriage falls away because you have grown to a new level of understanding and your spouse is not ready to go up with you. The relationship has served its purpose and now it goes away so that a new relationship that reflects your new identity can be created.

You must reach the point that you fully accept that this is how life goes. There is no need f to ever force anything in the external world. What a person needs to do is adjust their perceptions of self and then see what life reflects back. You still need to take action, but if you experience resistance it is because you have more internal work to do. You are not trying to create something that is not a match for your current image of self. Even if you do manage to get what you want, it will not last unless your identity has changed accordingly. If the old fears are still there then the old resistance will return. Life always reflects your own reality back to you. If you want life to change then you need to change first.

All of this makes perfect sense to me, but I also know that I cannot force anyone else to see the world this way. Many people prefer to think that they are a victim of circumstance and they will resist any notions to the contrary. That victim mentality is oddly comforting. It absolves one of the needs to make personal changes at the deepest levels. It allows one to make surface level changes while they avoid facing their own deepest fears. When they fail to change their life they can blame circumstance.

We cannot blame anyone else for the state of our life. It’s about taking full responsibility for everything on every level, keep working on your own self-image until the world reflects back to you what you want. You do this knowing full well that you may never achieve perfect peace. Within a few months you may experience resistance of some type again and this will be your cue to grow again. The growth never ends. Growth is the point to life.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." - Buddha


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> "Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." - Buddha


But it doesn't feel any less painful for all of that...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It makes sense to me... I do see potential in people, including my spouse. I see that he is starting to understand how I think, a bit. 

But I know he is too scared (or lazy) to do the hard part, which is look inside and grow a bit. Take away all the other stuff, and you are left with YOU. Your job to fix yourself. 

It's easier and lazier to just move on. That's how I've come to see it. 

So how do marriages survive when one spouse grows more than the other? Or do they?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sawney Beane said:


> But it doesn't feel any less painful for all of that...


Buddha's got some good stuff. Of course, it's my personal opinion that he was drunk most of the time, which lends itself to stuff that sounds way better than it actually is.

My takeaway is that when you're hurting, you can distinctly take steps to lessen the hurt, or ... you can distinctly take steps to keep feeding it. Loss of a love is a prime example where lots of folks feel compelled to feed the pain.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Wow this is very deep for a simple mind like mine. I want to understand this in my situation, but I struggle with relating it completely. Admittedly, I was not a very good student not for lack of trying, but comprehending.

I sense my WAW has all the signs of a MLC. From what I have read about MLC, the blamed spouse is not at fault and just needs to ride it out till the fog lifts. 

How does my internal identity take responsibility for her MLC?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is me said:


> How does my internal identity take responsibility for her MLC?


You don't. Unless you are aware, or she has made you aware (rightly) that some behavior, or lack of behavior on your part contributed to her pulling away from you. That being the case, you own it, and if warranted, you change it rather than punishing yourself for doing it in the first place.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I believe RDJ is totally on this.

My personal experience tracks with this 100%


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You don't. Unless you are aware, or she has made you aware (rightly) that some behavior, or lack of behavior on your part contributed to her pulling away from you. That being the case, you own it, and if warranted, you change it rather than punishing yourself for doing it in the first place.


The MLC is well known to cause the sufferer to blame their unhappiness with that person they are closest with and rewrite history to justify their blame.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

As mentioned before, I am slow to get things, but I just reread it and had an Ah Ha moment in how it relates to her decision to leave. I'll read it again and bet I get even more out of it.

Some times I feel like Forest Gump.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Does becoming more distrustful and cynical count as physical growth?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

This is me said:


> Wow this is very deep for a simple mind like mine. I want to understand this in my situation, but I struggle with relating it completely. Admittedly, I was not a very good student not for lack of trying, but comprehending.
> 
> I sense my WAW has all the signs of a MLC. From what I have read about MLC, the blamed spouse is not at fault and just needs to ride it out till the fog lifts.
> 
> How does my internal identity take responsibility for her MLC?


An example from my marriage:

I always reacted to my wife’s emotional ups and downs by getting frustrated; my frustration would lead to my raising my voice. I would eventually calm down, apologies were made, and I could let it go. My wife would eventually let it go (I thought) but every time this happened she would hold onto residual resentment. That resentment built and built over years until one day it exploded. She shut down, she went non-sexual.

I reacted with more of the same, I got more frustrated, raised my voice in all attempts to get her to see that marriage was about mutual needs, I tried being a better man and husband and could not understand why after several months of doing so, she would not open back up. I would get frustrated again, I was blaming her for something I myself was creating, she knew that I would eventually always come back to what was shutting her down , the cycle was never ending.

How to change this cycle? My personal growth, I had to learn to control my emotions, say what I needed to say, but always in a calm, self-controlled manner. In addition, I had to pass the multiple sh!t tests to prove to her that I had really changed. Once I accomplished all of this, she opened back up to me as her husband.

Not my best writing here, but did I say that in a way that makes sense?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Call me froest gump JR.

Can't figure out MLC ?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

RDJ said:


> An example from my marriage:
> 
> I always reacted to my wife’s emotional ups and downs by getting frustrated; my frustration would lead to my raising my voice. I would eventually calm down, apologies were made, and I could let it go. My wife would eventually let it go (I thought) but every time this happened she would hold onto residual resentment. That resentment built and built over years until one day it exploded. She shut down, she went non-sexual.
> 
> ...


This is brilliant and I get this completely and hits right home to me. Thank you!!!

We have MC tonight and this will help me a great deal.

MLC = Midlife Crisis?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

This is me,

Thanks for the clarification!



This is me said:


> The MLC is well known to cause the sufferer to blame their unhappiness with that person they are closest with and rewrite history to justify their blame.


As for MLC, been there too (from both sides of the fence)

I don’t believe that mid-life crisis is an “issue” of its own. Nor that people re-write their history.

I believe that it is more of a point in time that one reflects on their “unresolved issues”, based on their own perception of history.

A point in time where personal growth becomes even more important to the future of an unhappy marriage.

Just my opinion though???


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Buddhism teaches " NO ME "! 

It took me a long time to figure that out! 

The opposite of " NO ME" is being self-centered and egotistic. 

In general, we focus on ourselves when we do things. What can I get if I do this? What will people think of me if I do this? I am important! I am unique! I want to have things other people don't have so I look great. I buy a big house so other people will know I am rich and successful. I solved the problem so the glory is mine. I help my company make a lot of money so I am important for my company, others have to worship me! etc etc etc................

One day I realized that I am just one human being in this planet. I am not anybody special, I am not anybody great. I am not anybody important. I do a good job because it is my responsibility, not because I want people to notice me...........................

I become relaxed. I become relieved. A lot of pressure disappeared. A lot of stress disappeared. I become secure. I become confident. Now I know what I want and what I should do to get what I want. 

When we don't seek other people's approval anymore, when we don't compare ourselves with others anymore, we become confident, we become secure. It doesn't mean that we become jerks, we actually become more polite and more respectful towards people. We actually become more responsible for our life.

This is my personal growth. Irrelevant to sex. But important to personal and family happiness and peace.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> The MLC is well known to cause the sufferer to blame their unhappiness with that person they are closest with and rewrite history to justify their blame.


The way I think of this is that if you are standing in a big field when suddenly a foot-ball field sized meteor falls out of the sky and falls on you… you did not attract that meteor to you. You were standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.

There is some validity to the OP. But there are things that are also out of our control. Even if we do not meet our spouse’s needs, we are not responsible for the way our spouse decides to respond. A MLC is a response. It’s a chosen response. The spouse might choose to act out in a MLC even if they were getting as many needs met as are humanly possible.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Buddhism teaches " NO ME "!
> 
> It took me a long time to figure that out!
> 
> ...


Preach on, sister.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> Preach on, sister.


I find that Humility is one thing a lot of people lack. 

We are blinded by our own egotism. 

When you think too much of yourself, you can't take into advice people give you! People tell you to let go of things, you tell yourself that you can't let it go. People tell you not to be hot tempered, you tell yourself that this is me. When you think too much of yourself, you bring a lot of pressure and stress on yourself without even knowing it! 

You will find that becoming a student of life is very rewarding! You find yourself, you learn how to live your life.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

RDJ said:


> This whole game that we call life is really just one big exercise in personal growth. Spirit enters into the world in human form in order to meet itself face to face. Each of us projects to the world what our own personal identity is and the world reflects it back to us. If our identity contains some element of fear about our own attractiveness and ability as a lover then the world with faithfully capture that for us in sexual difficulties. If we have fear about being unlovable then we will have relationship problems that reflect that fear.


So basically the prejudice I've faced because I'm half Romani is simply a reflection of elements of self loathing I aren't even aware of?

Thanks for that.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I find that Humility is one thing a lot of people lack.
> 
> We are blinded by our own egotism.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Awesome GP!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> So basically the prejudice I've faced because I'm half Romani is simply a reflection of elements of self loathing I aren't even aware of?
> 
> Thanks for that.


Only you can control you, prejudice against you is not your issue, only how you react to it.

If you know that you are a quality person, and you live it, why give a sh!t what anyone else thinks of you?????


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> You will find that becoming a student of life is very rewarding! You find yourself, you learn how to live your life.


:smthumbup:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I truly believe that life reflects back to us what our internal identity is. If we are having problems with some area of life it is because we have fears and insecurities in that area of our own identity.


Great post.

This applies to any aspect of our lives. 

Thank you for taking the time to write this.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

This is an excellent and rational post. Thanks for enlightening!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Only you can control you, prejudice against you is not your issue, only how you react to it.
> 
> If you know that you are a quality person, and you live it, why give a sh!t what anyone else thinks of you?????


Because when their opinion is expressed by spitting on you, throwing things at you, trashing your property and physically assaulting you, 'not giving a sh*t' becomes rather more difficult.

Just saying...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I find that Humility is one thing a lot of people lack.
> 
> We are blinded by our own egotism.
> 
> ...


This whole thread has been very educational. I see the egotism as a very big part of our maritial issues and getting in the way of the repairing process. 

Along with the lacking of humility, I recently read that a study showed that empathy has dropped dramatically in our society since the internet boom.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Because when their opinion is expressed by spitting on you, throwing things at you, trashing your property and physically assaulting you, 'not giving a sh*t' becomes rather more difficult.
> 
> Just saying...


The OP is applies to only one aspect of how the 'universe' responds to us.

I do believe it's true that people respond to the way we present ourselves. But to assume that all things are based on what a person puts out is not accurate. If it were so, each of us would be the center of our own universe. While some people do think they are... they will continually run into reminders that they are not.

Your example of prejudice is an excellent one. The old ‘who cares’ argument does not hold water when the result of the prejudice means that you are mistreated, refused housing, cannot find a job, are passed up for a promotion, etc. 

A lot of thing come from outside of the individual and have no basis on anything the individual does.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Because when their opinion is expressed by spitting on you, throwing things at you, trashing your property and physically assaulting you, 'not giving a sh*t' becomes rather more difficult.
> 
> Just saying...



Sawney,

Point taken. 



> Your example of prejudice is an excellent one. *The old ‘who cares’ argument does not hold water when the result of the prejudice means that you are mistreated*, refused housing, cannot find a job, are passed up for a promotion, etc.
> 
> A lot of thing come from outside of the individual and have no basis on anything the individual does.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

This is me said:


> Along with the lacking of humility, I recently read that a study showed that empathy has dropped dramatically in our society since the internet boom.


Modern technology has made our life convenient and comfortable, but it has also made us humans drift apart from each other. 

When we were young, we still saw neighbors helping each other, visiting each other, greeting each other..................Now you don't see it often. Why? Because we don't need each other physically anymore. If we need to lift heavy things, there are machines; if we need to do something we can't do, there is paid service; if we need to borrow money, there are banks. We don't need to ask our neighbors, we don't need to ask our friends. I think when people have this" I don't need you" attitude, they stop being nice to others. They don't reach out anymore. 

Little do we know that we do need people. We need people to be nice to us. Emotionally it is very important for us to live in a society where people are nice and warm to one another. When you walk on the street, you see somebody you know, if he gives you a big smile, his smile and warm greeting lift you up; if he gives you a cold shoulder, his coldness brings you down...............Now, how many smiling faces do we see? How many cold shoulders do we meet? We know the answer! 

Physically and financially we may not need each other. But emotionally we need a lot from each other. If we want people to love us, the only thing we can do is to love them first and love them the way they wanted to be loved.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RDJ said:


> I truly believe that life reflects back to us what our internal identity is. If we are having problems with some area of life it is because we have fears and insecurities in that area of our own identity. If we have problems with sex it is because we have insecurities about sex. Life does not create obstacles for us. We create fears and insecurities for ourselves and then life reflects them to us through external events.


In a nutshell, this philosophy is why i stayed in my marriage. Even though I hated my H and blamed him for everything, deep down I knew there must be a lot wrong with me to create such an environment. 

But there is a fine line when one considers how to manage the dysfunction, even if it really is just a reflection of our inner state of being. Walking away isnt always the answer, but sometimes it is, particularly in abusive situations. Even if one walks away there still has to be change and personal accountability for the dysfunction. If you leave it doesnt have to mean you think your spouse is the problem; but maybe you cannot handle the problem while your spouse is there. Then again, there are some problems that can only be solved in the context of a relationship and walking away masks the problem. It's really difficult to draw that line. It's really a question of if that change can happen while you are with the person or if that change has to happen on your own. That is such a difficult question to answer. I found that deciding how to fix the problem to be the most difficult problem to conquer.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I found that deciding how to fix the problem to be the most difficult problem to conquer.



Blanca,

I understand what you mean, thats when I go here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...-let-god-you-know-me-its-long.html#post502057

Thanks for your comments.


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