# Am I over analyzing?



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I am new to this and this is my first post. I have read many interesting posts over the last couple of days.

Anyway, I have been married for 16 years. 90% of the marriage is good. Very rarely do we fight. When we do it is usually over sex or the lack thereof.

My complaint is 3-4 times a month does not cut it for me. My wife thinks something is wrong with me. She thinks my sex drive should be slowing down. "Sorry honey, you married a guy that has a hard on for you" What more can I say. So over the years, I have backed off. I only bother her twice a week, knowing she will turn me down at least once. Just playing the numbers. The problem is when she turns me down both times. Then I get frustrated and I let her know it the next morning. I ignore her, and she knows why I am ignoring her. My attitude is to bad. I just want to get my message across.

Then the argument starts. She thinks I act like a child. Maybe? My response is: "If you initiated sex once and a while, we would not be having this conversation" 

I am the one that always initiates and therefore I am the one that is always rejected. This is a fact. If one does not initiate sex how could one ever be rejected? She responds by telling me I am over analying.

This is bull****! I will then go on to ask her why she does not initiate EVER! Her response is we all have our problems. Is this some phobia some women have. Any answers out there.

To end on a positive note. The sex is great when she does say yes. Maybe, I should keep my month shut. If I was a baseball player and was batting 300 it would be considered great baseball.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, not a guy. But can give you some possible insights into some things that may apply to your wife.

I see lots of posts from men wanting their wives to initiate. You know women are kind of conditioned, both biologically and socially, to be responders/receivers more than being initiators when it comes to sex. It may very well be that she gets aroused when you are the more dominant one. I am that way. Not all women are, but I think many are. Do you think she could be like this?

I think the issue is not so much initiation/lack thereof, but the fact that you as a man want your wife to SHOW YOU that she desires you. But, you want her to show you in your way. Now, there's nothing wrong with that. Except she's probably not really understanding your underlying reason for wanting her to be initiating - the desire and the need for connectedness with her.

And, if your wife says you're acting like a child, and you're giving her the silent treatment and kind of sulking about it -well, then you likely are acting like a child. Women are not attracted to men who act like a child. So, work on trying to control those kinds of impulses.

And, if sex is great after it starts, but getting started is the issue, then realize that for some women their desire for sex actually comes after their arousal.

How do you go about initiating? Do you work at it during the day - initiating conversation and touching? That's usually the ways guys are when they're dating (or, gulp, having an affair), but sometimes they let those kinds of things die down after marriage, and us women sure do miss those kinds of things. Has that died down for you?

Are you sure that your wife is being satisfied? Women can take longer to work up to things and sometimes can have a vague feeling of dissatisfaction (even if they O'd) because it may just not feel like enough. Adding in additional foreplay, throughout the day and during the act, can help a lot.

And, I'm sure that one of the guys will come on here and give you a link to a potentialy helpful blog. I'll let one of them handle that. 

Best wishes.


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> I am new to this and this is my first post. I have read many interesting posts over the last couple of days.
> 
> Anyway, I have been married for 16 years. 90% of the marriage is good. Very rarely do we fight. When we do it is usually over sex or the lack thereof.
> 
> ...


You are correct: This is some bulls#it. And no, you should not keep your mouth shut. That's unfair to you.

Go to Athol Kay's site, Married Man Sex Life and read every word. 90% of your questions will be answered there.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

gonefishin said:


> She thinks my sex drive should be slowing down.


This is a disrespectful judgement. She'd like you to start believing that so that you won't ask so much.

She is probably interpreting your requests for sex as selfish. Visit the blog above and read the posts about manning up. Take the time to understand and meet her needs. 

It's likely she would respond to that, but if you are meeting all her needs and yours aren't being met, it all boils down to whether you can be happy in a situation like that.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Stop letting her control your happiness. Why should you ruin your day because your wife doesn't enjoy one of lifes greatest pleasures  Women will tell you they love being chased until their bored of it. Then there soemthing "wrong with you". Stop chasing or at least change your tactics.


----------



## Smiley90 (Sep 13, 2011)

That is definitely not a "phobia" for all women. When I met my husband , I was like "Yes Lord!" finally someone with a sex drive equal to mine. We've been together 4 years now, and only do it maybe 1-2x a week. Out of those times, I'm typically the one initiating it. My sex drive has definitely surpassed my husbands. Like you said, our sex is great when it happens. I know the typical stereotype is the woman always turning sex down because of a headache, tired, ill, etc. but I honestly don't think I've ever turned it down. I wish my husband was a typical man, begging me for it...Every man I know, accepts the offer ANY time his wife offers but mine's not like that...I know it's not because he's not attracted to me because he's always telling me I'm pretty & that he loves everything about my body. I just don't know...I guess some people just don't have high sex drives...


----------



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks Smiley

I have given up giving my wife a hard time about intiating. The funning thing is the first time we had sex she intiated the it. We were at a wedding. I gave her my room key joking around, never though she would end up in my room on top of me. She did not even bother taking her brides maid dress off. I said wow, she knows what she wants and takes it. I fell in love with her. Still with her 18 years later. I have to push her buttons to get her going now. I guess it is ok.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

No it isn't.

But, proceed at your own risk.


----------



## Smiley90 (Sep 13, 2011)

Haha, my relationship started somewhat like that...randomly, spur of the moment kind of thing & that's when I was thinking, hell yea... ...now it's different...it's almost "planned", always in our bed before we go to sleep at night, routine like...when I suggest changing it up a little he laughs & says "if it ain't broke don't fix it" which is true in a sense. We both still get what we want in the end but I would like a little different scenery every once in a while...I wish I could tell you try this, or try that but mine hasn't gotten to the point where he turns me away multiple times(yet)...I'm sure it'll eventually get there...Not to completely switch up subjects but has your wife's personality changed any? Like maybe she's lost interest in other things as well, hobbies, makeup, cooking, shopping, life in general?


----------



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Well Meg, your right. She is manipulating me. This has been going on for years. When it comes to sex, she loves being waited on.

So, what do I do after 17 years and multiple conversations regarding the subject. Leave her? Shut her down in the bedroom? Tell her I want an open marriage so I can be with someone with a pulse? She has a pulse, but I have to initiate the pulse. She is actually very good in bed, so I have to becareful. I am not a fool.

She claims we all have our crosses to bear, and this is hers. So, should I give her a pass. She says I have mine. When we get into and argument, I give her the silent treatment. I do this so I do not say anything stupid. I have the type of personality that has to win an argument at all costs. So I let the situation pass.


----------



## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> She claims we all have our crosses to bear, and this is hers. So, should I give her a pass. She says I have mine. When we get into and argument, I give her the silent treatment. I do this so I do not say anything stupid. I have the type of personality that has to win an argument at all costs. So I let the situation pass.


If she's built up resentment because of the above, that may explain her lack of interest in sex. Resentment is a sex killer.

If its not that, I don't know what else to tell you. I'm in a similar situation myself. My husband was always the higher drive in our relationship, but now the roles are reversed. I pretty much always get turned down when I initiate so I rarely do anymore. We only have sex now when he initiates.


----------



## realitybites (Oct 12, 2011)

In those years of marriage, has there been any major event (either on her part or yours) that would have resulted in unresolved resentment (like what bubbly mentioned) or caused her to think negatively about herself and her body and doubt you wanting her?

It could be much simpler than that, but I thought I'd throw that out there. I destroyed my wife's self confidence very early in my marriage going to a strip club during a bachelor party and being caught with pornography after our first son was born. It led to years of no initiation and rarely having sex. I dismissed this as just being busy with kids but the real reason was she thought she wasn't enough. Ultimately it drove her to having an affair.

So I'm like you, don't want to overanalyze, but thought I'd throw that idea out there in case there are potentially unresolved hurts in the past years.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

the LD spouse is in control, the end


----------



## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Meg said:


> She's either quit trying, or manipulating you with this passive-aggressive approach. Next, she'll be mad because you're masturbating to porn instead of having sex with her.
> 
> SHE needs to get in the game.


This Is the thing I cant understand with women. They dont want to give SEX but if they know that we men are jerking off (whatever you call it) on our own, they feel disgusted! I think , jerking off i better that having a physical affair with other women. Men just relaly need to release it! It's better than cheating. IMO.


----------



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Realitybites.

My wife and I had a rough start. Child out of wedlock. Did not get along. She did quit her career so we could give the relationship the chance it deserved. She may resent me because, I stuck to my guns and refused to move. I was not about to walk away from a large income. In my mind it was economics.
As far as the small stuff, my wife thinks me going to a strip club is very petty. I have not been to one in over 15 years. I never liked them anyway. What is the point? You cant have any of those women anyway. Who are we kidding? The strippers take our money and laugh at us.


----------



## realitybites (Oct 12, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> Realitybites.
> 
> As far as the small stuff, my wife thinks me going to a strip club is very petty. I have not been to one in over 15 years. I never liked them anyway. What is the point? You cant have any of those women anyway. Who are we kidding? The strippers take our money and laugh at us.


Exactly. That's how I feel about them now. Prior to marriage, I went with somewhat regularity but thinking back now, it was more going just to be with friends than for the women themselves. Now, I just think what a waste of time and money. Would have had just as much fun at a nice bar. I guess I chalk it up to more maturity.

As far as the wife's reaction, I suppose every woman is going to be different. For my wife, going to that strip bar 11 years ago happened to affect her in such a way that ruined her self-confidence. Some women would have viewed it as "That's men for ya", but not in this case.

I won't even speculate about your situation, but perhaps there is some resentment there about the job situation?


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

gonefishin said:


> I am new to this and this is my first post. I have read many interesting posts over the last couple of days.
> 
> Anyway, I have been married for 16 years. 90% of the marriage is good. Very rarely do we fight. When we do it is usually over sex or the lack thereof.
> 
> ...


Everyone's situation is different, so I don't know that I can offer advice, but I'll just tell you my situation.

I was married 18years and it seemed like sex was never a big deal to my wife. When we had it, it was good, but she never felt like it was important to a marriage; I was just being a weirdo for wanting frequent sex with my wife; in her eyes, that's all I cared about. We had a few times when it was a few times a week, but those times didn't last long. Once every week or two was our usual for the most part. we also had times when it was once every 6 weeks or so.

She always tried to make me feel like the bad guy. I was just a sex maniac for wanting to have sex with her on a frequent basis, and I partially bought into it. Sex isn't something she or i talked about much with other people, so i didn't know what our peers considered "normal." 

Honestly, I could understand why she thought that sex was all i thought about, but I was starving. I always compared sexual desire with a desire for food. If I am starving, food will be very important to me and that's probably all I will focus on until i get a meal. 

For the few times when we had more frequent sex, sex wasn't an issue and it wasn't on the tip of my tongue all the time; we just did it and continued with our life. 

I've learned here that sexual desire is more emotional for women than men, so I'm sure her low desire was due to something else that she wasn't happy with in the marriage.


----------



## Smiley90 (Sep 13, 2011)

southbound said:


> I've learned here that sexual desire is more emotional for women than men, so I'm sure her low desire was due to something else that she wasn't happy with in the marriage.


Southbound nailed it with this quote! Even though I have the higher sex drive in our relationship, I still view our sex as more an emotional connection and a physical pleasure. The desire to have sex with my husband is for the reassurance that he still desires me and that I can satisfy his wants and desires. When I satisfy my husband I feel like I have done my job as a wife and that as long as I keep doing that he will continue to desire me. Sometimes when we have sex, I don't climax even though he does every single time. However, I am still emotionally satisfied afterwards because I know *I* was enough to fulfill his desire and please him, not another woman. When we are having sex I feel more emotionally connected to him than any other time. I know that my husband, being a man, views it as more a physical connection and I'm okay with that because that's how the majority of men are wired. On the other hand, when I feel our relationship is not emotionally connected I do not desire sex as much! So, Gonefishin, it's possibly that if your wife does not feel emotionally stable in yall's relationship then she may not feel the desire to have sex with you. Being emotionally unsatisfied can be the result of MANY various reasons...


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You know, there are a million stories on this board that say more or less the same thing. Essentially, a guy just wants to feel like his woman desires him. The woman wants to feel emotionally connected. Many men on this board are trying to meet their ladies' needs. We all have our little martyr list of all the good things we do which don't feel reciprocated.

The standard advice is Man Up, read Atholk's stuff, use MEM's temperature strategies, etc. All of which boil down to: Don't pout. Don't let her see that she hurts you with her various subtle ways of trivializing your desire. When you are rejected don't take it personally. Use humour and aloofness to keep her on her toes. Don't take sh*t from her. She needs to respect you.

There's no promise that any of those things work. We all have different personalities. Some women are willing to talk with their men, and find a solution. Others aren't. 

I don't believe one person can change a relationship. It takes both.


----------



## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

Smiley90 said:


> I know that my husband, being a man, views it as more a physical connection and I'm okay with that because that's how the majority of men are wired.


Yes...but. Men are wired to *need* the release of sex on a regular basis. And men are able to take pleasure from sex that has little emotional component, in a way that many women are not. Don't conclude, though, that sex isn't important to a man's emotional well-being, though, especially in a marriage.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> I am new to this and this is my first post. I have read many interesting posts over the last couple of days.
> 
> Anyway, I have been married for 16 years. 90% of the marriage is good. Very rarely do we fight. When we do it is usually over sex or the lack thereof.
> 
> ...


On an average night, how does the subject of whether or not to have sex come up in the relationship? You say that she'll reject you half the time, which is why I'm asking.

I think its easy for a couple to get wrapped up in just one way of approaching sex, and we forget that their are different ways. Unfortunately, once a bad approach is cemented, I wonder if its even possible to restart.

I ask my original question because in my 24 year marriage, I've never asked for sex, so its never been rejected. Of course, for us, sex isn't just something that happens once we get to bed. It starts very early in the day. Through intimate hugs, kisses and flirting, my wife becomes emotionally vested. If I skipped that and just asked her for sex when we got to bed, it would never happen. She's always very ready before we even go upstairs. I'd estimate that I initiate about 99.9997% of the time. Intiatiating is not her strong point. Responding definately is. Our marital issues are probably pretty unique, because a strong sex life is probably the only thing that keeps us connected.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Smiley90 said:


> Southbound nailed it with this quote! Even though I have the higher sex drive in our relationship, I still view our sex as more an emotional connection and a physical pleasure. The desire to have sex with my husband is for the reassurance that he still desires me and that I can satisfy his wants and desires. When I satisfy my husband I feel like I have done my job as a wife and that as long as I keep doing that he will continue to desire me. Sometimes when we have sex, I don't climax even though he does every single time. However, I am still emotionally satisfied afterwards because I know *I* was enough to fulfill his desire and please him, not another woman. When we are having sex I feel more emotionally connected to him than any other time. *I know that my husband, being a man, views it as more a physical connection and I'm okay with that because that's how the majority of men are wired.* On the other hand, when I feel our relationship is not emotionally connected I do not desire sex as much! So, Gonefishin, it's possibly that if your wife does not feel emotionally stable in yall's relationship then she may not feel the desire to have sex with you. Being emotionally unsatisfied can be the result of MANY various reasons...


I do like your sentiments, I really do. You sound like my stbxw in that regard and I was very well blessed to have such a wife.

But how can you possibly know what I’ve bolded above?

A man’s sex life is as much an emotional barometer as it is for his wife! And a married man’s sex life has at least as much to do with his emotional side as with his physical side. In fact, I simply cannot see how the two can be separated at all! From a man’s point of view, the act of making love with his wife is a very emotional experience, as to whether it’s a quickie in the kitchen or well thought and planned romantic weekend away. At the very least, all sorts of emotional feel good endorphins get released. If it wasn’t a very emotionally fulfilling experience, why on earth would we invest so much in making our wife’s life, safe, secure and comfortable? And if it wasn’t an emotional experience, why on earth are there so very many unhappy men that aren’t getting sex from their wives?

And if it isn’t such an emotional experience, why on earth are men’s hearts broken when they’ve discovered their wife sleeping with another man? I really do hope you get my point 


PS: Be careful that you are not doing your H a diservice re your beliefs about how he experiences sex


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Halien said:


> On an average night, how does the subject of whether or not to have sex come up in the relationship? You say that she'll reject you half the time, which is why I'm asking.
> 
> I think its easy for a couple to get wrapped up in just one way of approaching sex, and we forget that their are different ways. Unfortunately, once a bad approach is cemented, I wonder if its even possible to restart.
> 
> I ask my original question because in my 24 year marriage, I've never asked for sex, so its never been rejected. Of course, for us, sex isn't just something that happens once we get to bed. It starts very early in the day. Through intimate hugs, kisses and flirting, my wife becomes emotionally vested. If I skipped that and just asked her for sex when we got to bed, it would never happen. She's always very ready before we even go upstairs. *I'd estimate that I initiate about 99.9997% of the time.* Intiatiating is not her strong point. Responding definately is. Our marital issues are probably pretty unique, because a strong sex life is probably the only thing that keeps us connected.


I think that the way of the world, or at least it’s the way I like it. But I think women do initiate just it’s much less frequent and very different to how most men initiate.

I think women, including our wife, initiate by their, for us subtle flirting. When they are feeling attracted (by the man, he’s looking good or whatever) and attractive (they are feeling and looking good) when their conditions are right (they feel comfy inside, safe, secure), they will initiate by flirting with their husband. Complicated things women, most men are “ready to go” at any time!

Those conditions can all come together and the husband doesn’t even know they exist! The guy is so preoccupied with something or other it all goes past him, 30,000 feet over his head. It’s when he’s not “in the moment” worried about something or planning something for tomorrow! But his wife persists in putting out her subtle signals until he sees them, because she is in the mood and ready for love. But she’s not a man and so she more than likely wont walk up behind him and grab his balls round the front. But if only they knew just how much we’d like them to do that, at least sometimes.


----------



## ISB303 (Oct 18, 2011)

Ok, you saying to your wife that you would like her to initiate is not uncommon but it is counter-productive to your sexlife. I did the same thing and masterbated the other 4 or 5 days of the week. My sex drive has always been high as was hers at the start. It slouched off with our first kid and never fully recovered till several years back. At one point in our life I would hear sighs and receive eye-rolls with the "I'm too tired" BS. 

Anyways, we are 40 and 42 and have sex about 5-7 times a week now. Sometimes it's just about me. Sometimes it about her. She is now multi-orgasmic and initiates way more. 

The whole thing turned around when I stopped asking for it and instead started initiating it by little things like kissing her neck while cupping her breast, grabbing her butt and biting it, walking in to the bedroom while taking clothing off, etc... Sometimes I will just demand it, playfully ofcourse, like standing in the hall and doing the old zztop full circle forearm motion, ending up pointing at the bedroom and saying something redneckish. And when we get in there, I make sure she enjoys it and tell her she's getting off if it takes all night and stuff like that. It might not work for you but worth a shot.

Oh and yes, you are over-analyzing but you are definetly not alone in doing so. Find something that works for both of you. When my wife is sick or just plain tired, we work something out and in the end are both satisfied.


----------

