# Need to vent about husband's passive-aggressive behavior...



## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

My husband got upset today that he couldn't spend a hundred bucks on some gloves for his motorcycle. If I would have seen this coming, I would have set some money aside, but he clearly "sprung" this on me so that he could run out the door without discussing our budget. Those things can cost upwards of $350, and the husband has expensive taste. Anyways, he came home without the gloves (I guess the ones he wanted were expensive) and has been a real jerk to me ever since he got home.
When I asked him if he wanted me to fix dinner (two hours after he got back), he says, "No. And I'm getting my gloves next paycheck. AND I'm getting a holster. AND a case for my ipad." Ok...? So... you're not hungry, or what?
Then, out of the blue: "And I'm ordering a new iphone tonight." I can see he's just trying to be an ass. "Have I done something to you?" I ask him. "Yeah! I don't need you to treat me like a little kid and tell me what I can and can't buy!!" Ok, I get it. I don't perceive discussing purchases and money as treating him like a child; at least, that was not my intent. At any rate, he is overcompensating with the childish behavior (ironic, hmmm??) 
It's becoming very hard to live with this person. I am starting to feel like the gender roles are reversing. I can directly confront people (always have), and he avoids it or is covert about it. I've always done the haggling, the car-buying, the home buying/selling etc. He prefers to not do any research or discussion, nor confront others should problems arise. How do I look up to this person and respect him? Am I being unreasonable here?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ramsesgirl said:


> I've always done the haggling, the car-buying, the home buying/selling etc. He prefers to not do any research or discussion, nor confront others should problems arise. How do I look up to this person and respect him? Am I being unreasonable here?


No, not necessarily unreasonable. But is is enabling. You have always done all the leg work regarding the big purchase stuff. Why can't he? Is he lazy? incapable? stupid? What would happen if you just told him to do the haggling over whatever? Would he do anything or just whine?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to discuss finances with one's spouse. However, you are direct and take-charge. He isn't. Any way you could find a compromise zone to get him to talk rather than act out, or do you feel he may be a lost cause?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

So.. he gets to buy them next payday.

From what I remember about your other posts, he has done this before, and he clearly doesn't like being treated like a child.

Sometimes, it is a matter of accepting that how someone "views" what you do, may not agree with how you"think" you are behaving.

He interprets you as his mother. Whether you feel you are acting that way or not.

He's allowed to do that. He's got his own mind. It's not right or wrong.

You also have the right to just LET him handle stuff in life. 

The more you do for someone.. the less they do in kind.

You find respect for him by letting him deal with things on his own. Stop doing it all. Life will be okay, his "way" is just that. His. Learn to appreciate it. Take a break, and stop looking after everything


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi,
He's not lazy nor incapable, but his personality has always taken a backseat to mine in a lot of ways. If I see that a realtor or car salesman is being shady, I step in. I don't like to go into big decisions "blind," where he would prefer to just walk into a car dealership and drop 60K, if it means he gets instant gratification. It's always been a problem with us. I guess I could be enabling him, or it's a cycle. He won't do anything without being asked, and yet gets angry when I ask him. If his parents do something offensive, it is too taboo for him to discuss it with them, and so I have to do it. He doesn't like it, but if I don't take charge of things, he won't. At work, he must be the opposite, so I don't believe it's a personality flaw. He is a good leader at work, but not in the home. I think he resents me for having a lot of control, but he doesn't want the responsibility either.


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

Thanks, deejov, I didn't see your post prior to my last posting. That is also sound advice; I am just hoping that his personality would change along with other changes that would occur with added responsibility on his part.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Changing his personality? That's a really really big task you've taken on. And I'm sorry to say ... I can almost guarntee you will fail, and the marriage will go with it.

He doesn't WANT you to change his personality. He wants to be himself. Do things in his way. 

Let him take responsibility. Give it to him. Who says you get to decide if he's worthy, smart enough, or mature enough to take on responsibility?

You are not his mother. Or his judge.
He's an adult. Trust that he will do it in his way. He might make mistakes. So what. We all gotta learn. You might (just might) learn something from him along the way.

I know you mean well. I used to be you. 
I can't tell you how happy I am to be free of the responsibilities!!!
I have my own life to look after, and it keeps me busy. And satisfied. I only have to deal with MYSELF. Change myself. No fighting, no resisting control. It's wonderful.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

ramsesgirl said:


> I can see he's just trying to be an ass.
> 
> To combate your being an ass
> 
> ...


You decide

BTW I am the confrontational husband with a wife that is ls also but only on less imlortant matters that relies on me to slay the bigger dragons. I played devils advocate with you to shed some light on your situation like a rhetorical device. Hope it helps


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

Well, it's frustrating when two people have differing views on just about everything, and one chooses to resort to covertly hostile behavior.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

I am passive aggressive with my father, one of my close friends and occassionally my wife when they nag. 

Its a way to shut them up with no intention of follow thru when they are acting like a know it all

He sees you as a nag and does what he has to do to get some peace and quiet without an annoying lecture. Look in the mirror and figure out how to work within differing styles of tackling issues and call a truce. 

There is no need to suffer


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It sounds like you are missing the point. 

MAYBE he perceives YOU to be hostile and controlling. Just a thought. 

You may not feel that way, you just think you are being logical and he got his panties in a wad. 

For now, blow it off.... let it all cool down. Talk to him when he is calmer and more ready to discuss the issue. Part of the issue is the money....so come to the discussion with a few ideas of how the money issue will work. Then it won't be like he has to get permission from you to buy something, it will already depend on the agreement that you discussed. 

The other part of the issue MIGHT be the way he hears you when you tell him he cannot or should not do or buy something. I think deciding and agreeing on a budget will help this issue, but I also think you may want to be aware of how you sound to him. Or even ASK him how you sound to him. 

This is solvable.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yes, it is frustrating. If you let it frustrate you 
Don't mean to kick you, really. 

There is a great relief in letting go of right and wrong.

Two different people, with two different views on everything. That describes most of the world, btw. That's what makes things less boring. Being open to other people's views. It's not a bad thing. Really. 

You always have a choice. Pick your battles. React to his behavior or not. Decide what's major, what's minor. 

And of course, you always have a choice in how you REACT. Which is all you really own, in life. Yup, people can be difficult. They push your buttons. 

It's sooo hard to see it when you are neck deep in it. 
But a good move would be to step waaay back.
Sit down and discuss budgets. Discuss, not dictate.
Must have's only.
Then let him do what he wants. He deserves to have the chance to be an adult.
You deserve the chance to be your own person, and put your energy towards a better cause. Yourself.

What are the positive things in your life? Do you have hobbies? Like your job? Do you have children? What do you like to do in your free time? Do you visit with friends often?


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

I've asked him how I've offended him in trying to keep our agreements about the budget. I've apologized, as my intention was never to be disrespectful to him. There has to be some structure, though, and that is where he has an issue. He wants no budget. I could approach him in any number of non-confrontational ways, and it wouldn't change a thing. He normally has no problem, and there are no double standards (I don't buy luxuries that we can't afford at the time, either). But if he wants a dog, BMW, or motorcycle, or anything that goes along with those, watch out. We could be flat broke, and he would put us into debt.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

ramsesgirl said:


> I've asked him how I've offended him in trying to keep our agreements about the budget. I've apologized, as my intention was never to be disrespectful to him. There has to be some structure, though, and that is where he has an issue. He wants no budget. I could approach him in any number of non-confrontational ways, and it wouldn't change a thing. He normally has no problem, and there are no double standards (I don't buy luxuries that we can't afford at the time, either). But if he wants a dog, BMW, or motorcycle, or anything that goes along with those, watch out. We could be flat broke, and he would put us into debt.


And then he will find a way to solve his problem. Or not. 
But trust him to do what he needs to do 

Guys can "talk" about all this stuff all the time. Not many would actually go buy something they couldn't afford. And if they do, well, make sure the debit is in his name only. A woman should have her own money, own account is a personal choice. But relying on your spouse, if you also work, can be a bad move. 

What if he suddenly couldn't work? You get what I mean.


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

So, what do I do about his PA behavior? Is it hopeless? I can't disagree with him about anything at all without him trying to sabotage my entire day. I feel like the one walking on eggshells.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The guy works. He's an adult. He has the right to make some spending decisions, even ones you don't like, even ones you don't agree with. His view about the money he earns is different from your's but that doesn't make his view wrong or invalid. How about both of you agree that he gets a separate account and a certain dollar figure a month for his discretionary spending. He can buy gloves, holsters, or he can set it on fire. It'd be fair for you to have a similar amount that you can spend, no questions asked. The rest is family money. Gloves are a necessary safety item for a biker and even expensive gloves are cheaper than skin grafts. I'm as cheap as they come but I wear a quality helmet, quality gloves, quality boots. The pennies I might have saved by going cheap wouldn't mean much if I were sliding down the asphalt at 60 mph. 
I have lived over half a century. I have a masters degree, a top secret clearance, and I command over 200 subordinates. Still, I've never been affiliated with any female that didn't inherently believe I was in need of supervision or that she was qualified to provide it. You may 100% reasonable 100% of the time but that would make you a very unique individual. 
Your husband's retort may sound childish but he's clearly stating he feels belittled and controlled by his wife. If that's how he feels, its how he feels. You could have apologized, acknowledged his feelings and worked toward a solution but you chose to invalidate his feelings even more (more control) by telling him you didn't agree that he was being controlled! It doesn't matter whether you feel like a controller. Your husband feels belittled and disrespected and that's his reality.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Number one....
Focus on actions, not words.

Two...Consider reading materials. About letting go of resentments. Because the behavior rubs off on you. And because it can be helpful to focus more on your behavior, not his. 

Three.... Practice no reaction. Redirect instead.
Verbally, emotionally. Remind yourself that it is NOT your fault if he behaves that way. Don't let them sidetrack questions with attacks on you. Ask the question again. Stick to the facts. Always. 

Four... Understand that PA people are like puppets. No free will. They spend their energy keeping track of everything everyone has "done" to them, and planning their response. It's learned. And maybe all they know. They don't know another way. Once you understand that, it's not personal. 

Five... Work HARD on your self esteem and confidence. More reading, IC, whatever it takes. 

Six. The big one. Know who you are. What you stand for. Have boundaries. Do not waiver from it. Do not walk on eggshells, do not put your life on hold for them, do not sacrifice your happiness in fear of what they will do next. Live your life. You owe yourself that.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

ramsesgirl said:


> So, what do I do about his PA behavior?
> 
> Stop nagging him and acting like a disapproving mother and love him and respect him how he is not a bilittling battle ax spouse
> 
> ...


Thats where you let it go


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Passive aggressive behavior is basically a form of dishonesty. Most people prefer to be honest when they can. If my wife didn't feel comfortable expressing frustration and unhappiness to me, it'd probably be because I've taught her by my previous responses that using the honest, direct approach would end badly for her. We teach others how to treat us and if they can't be honest with us but they are honest with everyone else, it's our fault. If this guy is just passive aggressive with everyone in his life, that's his problem and he probably needs professional help to correct it.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

I broke myself of using passive/aggressive (PA) behavior by taking a look at what it really meant.

PA is used by the *weaker* person against the more powerful person (that's why children use it against parents). When spouses use it, it is the *submissive* spouse that uses it against the dominant spouse. 

By acting PA, I was announcing to my wife that she the dominant spouse and I was the submissive spouse; that she was in control of me. I didn't like that at all.

I still fall back into it (old habits die hard), but at least there's a bell that goes off in my head that says "do you really want to act like the submissive spouse in your marriage?"

I'm not sure how you would approach this with your husband. You might try telling him what PA behavior really means, and that when he does it, he comes across as being submissive, and that you don't like having a submissive husband.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

"Im buying gloves whether you approve or not" and "I dont like being treated like a child" is not passive agressive. 

Its aggressive but it isnt passive aggressive. 

Passive agressive would be saying he isnt going to buy the gloves and then doing it any way. 

Lets not call the guy dishonest when he isnt passive aggressive or dishonest. 

Saying "Im buying those vucking gloves and dont give zhit if you like it or not" is a halllmark card for honesty and bluntness.

Passive aggressive is agreeing to stick to a budget with no intention of doing so. I doubt he agreed to it and even if he did the OP knew he didnt want to. 

Its unworkable and calls for a workable solution of separate accounts and assigned expenses and this war is over unless you are a know it all that cant comprehend and appreciate differences in values, decision-making and free or tethered spirits


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

He actually did agree to stick to the budget and was upset when it didn't work out for him. I guess I wasn't clear on the PA behavior; he will do things like bring alcohol in the house when he knows I'm in recovery, and then act like he had no idea that it was a problem. Things like that - covert things. He gets aggressive, and then he is also passive-aggressive. I can deal with directness, but the passive-aggression is what I have a hard time with.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ramsesgirl said:


> I feel like the one walking on eggshells.


Classic sign for victim of manipulative behavior. There are a set of tactics that are used against you to keep you in a constant state of anxiety. This wears you down, and makes it easier to manipulate you.



> He won't do anything without being asked, and yet gets angry when I ask him.


This is called the double-bind. Manipulative people put you in situations where no matter what you do... you lose.

You lose if you let him do nothing. (Nothing gets done). You lose if you ask him. (He punishes you with anger). Do you see how you are in a state of anxiety either way? This is a very common deployment of the double-bind. 

Once you understand how the double-bind works, you are going to see that he has a whole raft of ways he plays this on you. You actually learn to recognize it by how it _feels_. 




> He actually did agree to stick to the budget and was upset when it didn't work out for him.


Another common double-bind. They agree to a budget because logically a household cannot function without one. But they constantly present you with expenses that are over the budget. 

If you allow it, you lose because the budget is not a budget if it is not followed. If you do not allow it, they punish you with anger. You lose no matter what choice you make. 

You may not realize this but getting you angry and stressed is exercising power over you. It is not passive aggressive. It is _covert aggressive_. You don't realize the covert war he is engaging with you. 

He's made it appear as if he is a _victim_. The victim of the over-controlling mommy wife. But that is clearly not the case when a budget has been agreed to. And responsible adults absolutely must have budgets. He is not a victim. He is on the offense, disguised as being on the defense. Often people with personality disorders are unreasonable about any kind of agreements whatsoever. They act out against a budget simply because any budget at all is viewed by them as controlling them, no matter how high the budget is. So going over budget is actually an important objective of theirs. 

Bringing Alcohol into the house - an act of aggression in your circumstance. He used the tactic of playing dumb to camoflage that act of aggression. 

You used the word sabotage. Also a key insight on your relationship. That's what these people are all about. Saboteurs. Generally they can be counted upon to be up to the exact opposite of what they are saying. 

So for example if you ask them to get you peas at the store, they're going to buy beans and say they did so because they thought you would like beans better. That's just a lie of course, they bought beans because nobody tells them what to do, especially you. 

Seeing the conflict between what he says and what he does also creates anxiety and stress. It's confusing. Aggravating. He has selective memory, and selective attention too. Lies by omission. Right?

Read "In Sheep's Clothing. Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People." You will learn to recognize every tactic by name and what to do about them. 

One of the important strategies on your part is watching your emotions carefully. Whatever you are feeling is generally what they intended. You start to feel anger... they are trying to make you angry. You start to feel guilty... they are trying to make you feel guilty. Watch out for false flattery because despite how malicious they can be, they can also lay down a line of flattery to put one over on you. You are the most important person in their life, they look up to you more than anyone on earth, you are the smartest person who ever lived, etc.

Understanding that they want you to be angry, guilty, flattered, etc. helps a lot to defeat it. I learned to say "you want me to be angry... want me to feel guilty..." etc. because for one thing it slows them down, and for another just knowing that is the ambush they have laid motivates you to evade it.

The last insight for you is that generally these people have figured out how to load up clips of rounds that they fire off at you rat-a-tat-tat. They will have voice, facial features, and body language all coordinated deceptively to pull this off.

Here is an example. Covert aggressive asks me with quizzical, innocent look and tone: why do you like these kinds of movies? (I like comedy horror). I answer "because they're funny." Covert aggressive gives me a look as if I am weird for answering and asks a second question "why are you justifying this to me?" I'm confused now, but I say "because you asked me!" Then the third line from the covert aggressive: a sneering, contemptuous "It was a rhetorical question, I thought you would be smart enough to know..."

That is a three-step play this covert aggressive deployed against me, and at the time he did it I had this overwhelming sense of how unfair it was, and yes it got me really angry. But it wasn't until I gained a lot of experience with these types of people that I came to understand how well integrated the facial, tonal, and body language was. How malicious and calculating they can be.

He knows before he buys the alcohol that he is going to play dumb when you protest him bringing it into the house. He's not going to tell you that he is going to buy alcohol because that removes the joy of both the ambush and playing dumb, which is a double-play. This is what I mean by loading up the clip with ammo in multiple-round bursts. 

The third shot in that clip is often to point to you after you have become upset (and who wouldn't) and say "just look at you. Look how _angry_ you are." Triple play! 

The fact you have come to this site and expressed what you have tells me how much you are being worked over. There is a war going on and you know something is wrong but you can't quite put your finger on exactly what it is. 

Once your eyes are opened to how savage covert aggression is, how utterly without conscience these tactics can be, then you start asking why you are with a person this malicious. 

Do not waste one ounce of effort trying to get him to "see" that what he is doing is wrong. There is nobody who knows this better than him. Part of the enjoyment is watching you crumble into dust trying to get him to show you some empathy for what he is doing to you. The only thing they respond to is consequences. 

Enough for now. Get the book.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have not read all the responses, but I read a few. No, I don't think you're being an a$$ because there are some real concerns about a partner who spends you into the poor house. 

But there were a couple things that caught my eye... 

First, I don't think he's being passive aggressive necessarily. Childish, yes, but his tantrum's hardly PA, in my opinion. He's letting you know clearly what he dislikes, and he's not trying to make you feel crazy for putting the brakes on. It's your authority that he's resisting. 

The other thing that caught my eye is that you said his job is a whole different matter, that he's responsible and take-charge there but not at home. For some people, they are in "work" mode at work, and in "off work" mode at home. They see home as the place where they can shrug off that yoke or responsibility that gives them so many headaches on the job. 

I think if you could acknowledge this and appreciate it fully, you might be able to make some progress in gaining his cooperation for maybe setting a budget together, or outlining a consistent time frame for him to put on that "work" hat at home once or twice a week.

ETA: I have read more and saw the alcohol in the home thing. Yes, that *is* PA. If you're in recovery, it's not unusual for a partner to secretly (or not so secretly) desire a return to the way you were before, when they could feel superior and exert more power because of your disease and what it did to you. The flip side of that coin is that if you have an addiction, your own thinking might be inflexible even after you're in recovery - sometimes even more noticeably than when you were using. If you have a sponsor, I would encourage you to discuss these disagreements with them and figure out if you might be getting too rigid in your thinking at times.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi Ramsesgirl

Came across your post as my H is PA and I know how exasperating this can be. Head, brick wall - make a good team?!

If you're a clever girl, try not to "emasculate" him - ask him to fix something you need help with to make him feel good about himself, and let him make financial decisions. As long as your bills are paid, and he's not eating into your own personal funds, step back and let him buy whatever he wants - let him dig a hole if it comes to it financially - then let him be adult enough to dig himself out of it. You might find by stepping back he'll surprise you...

Best of luck xx


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Hes "impulsive" your are more reserved.

Both can be good or bad..

Based on your OP he is acting like a child with his impulsiveness.I don't know ya'lls finances? can you afford them?(the gloves)If he just went "loose" would he run ya'll into the ground..or are you a control freak who needs to monitor every dime?

Spending "freedom" is important..but to a degree you both agree on "how much" ..without asking each other "is it O.K I buy this"..?If he is haphazzard not consdering the bigger picture and your not and do..I can see your "need' to monitor..if he is not but just like to spend a little on himself..I see his point..it might feel like you are his principle at school ...or his mom scolding him..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sit him down and tell him that you're acting like his mother and he's acting like a spoiled 10 year old brat, and that you'd like both to change. Ask him how he feels about that and then talk to a third party.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think he's behaving like a child. if men don't want to be nagged or "controlled" then step up and do the right thing.

Should they lose all their money, so she doesn't hurt his ego?

He is being passive aggressive and acting like a spoilt child. 

I would have ZERO attraction to man like that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doing the "right thing" doesn't always mean doing what the wife wants. Whether an expense is frivolous or not depends entirely on who you ask. I can wade through 95% of my wife's discretionary purchases for the past month and find things I wouldn't spend money on. She's a sane adult and she has the right to walk in a store and make a purchase without getting my permission. My wife doesn't even work and she has that right. One who labors and hands all produce over to another is called a slave. What's more important to the longterm success of a marriage? Saving a few nickles or maintaining mutual respect? Any money saved over browbeating and nagging this guy is going to look like peanuts compared to the wealth that will be lost in a divorce. Doesn't even make financial sense to screw over a husband as a money-saving measure. The surest route a woman can ever have for financial success is to stay married to a guy with a decent job. I used to be married to a controlling woman who shreiked if I spent a nickle, did anything, touched anything without her majesty's permission. She's mistress of all she surveys, now....absolutely nothing. 55 years old, lives with her mother and doesn't own a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. Sound like a great financial plan?


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## Momwink (Mar 18, 2013)

I can totally relate - I have a passive-aggressive husband too. I told him the day before I had an appointment to get my hair cut and I needed him to watch our son. He said no problem, but when the next day came he wouldn't wake up and so I missed my appointment. When I share an insecurity about something, he makes sure I am in a position where I have to do what I am insecure about.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Ellie5 said:


> Hi Ramsesgirl
> 
> Came across your post as my H is PA and I know how exasperating this can be. Head, brick wall - make a good team?!
> 
> ...


:iagree: This.
One aspect of your life that he does NOT control, and never will.... is who you are as a person.

If you allow yourself to become bitter, angry, and all emotions instead of a person, then that's just wrong. 

Being a decent person, treating him like a man, like your spouse, could be what he deserves. 

Otherwise, it's just turnaround and being PA yourself.
It helps you emotionally and mentally to focus on how you treat him. You are not doing this for him... but for you.

The side benefit is stopping the PA behavior.


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

ramsesgirl said:


> Hi,
> He's not lazy nor incapable, but his personality has always taken a backseat to mine in a lot of ways. If I see that a realtor or car salesman is being shady, I step in. I don't like to go into big decisions "blind," where he would prefer to just walk into a car dealership and drop 60K, if it means he gets instant gratification. It's always been a problem with us. I guess I could be enabling him, or it's a cycle. He won't do anything without being asked, and yet gets angry when I ask him. If his parents do something offensive, it is too taboo for him to discuss it with them, and so I have to do it. He doesn't like it, but if I don't take charge of things, he won't. At work, he must be the opposite, so I don't believe it's a personality flaw. He is a good leader at work, but not in the home. I think he resents me for having a lot of control, but he doesn't want the responsibility either.


OMG! He sounds exactly like my husband.

Then I let him take care of the income taxes (I take care of all the finances/household/etc). What did it get us? An audit from the IRS, penalties, and back taxes. Even tho every year I warned him that he shouldn't be taking those deductions. I believe my exact words were "when the IRS comes looking for you, I don't know you." Unfortunately, we always filed jointly :banghead:


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I didn't even bother reading the replies... If he is Passive Aggressive (Negativistic Personality) there is little you can do. Even if you were perfect, he would still find something to covertly control and manipulate. My husband is also severely Passive Aggressive and I've come to terms with the fact that no matter how "nicely" "sweetly" "calmly" ask/request or try to initiate some sort of discussion (or even SEX) he will absolutely feel controlled and will perceive some sort of covert manipulation on your part (projection).

There just really is no changing him because he thinks he is perfect and you are flawed.

As hard as it is, if you stay with him, becoming independent and thick-skinned will help to a degree. (I'm not very good at either myself, lol).

Sorry he is this way with you. I feel your pain fully and I know how frustrating it is. There are several articles online with techniques for coping... But it's just that - coping. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yin,
I live with a PA alcoholic. You can only imagine how much it has taught me. 

I'm not interested in changing anybody. I'm interested in changing me. Opinions are just that. They don't define me.
The only person that decides if I am perfect or flawed is ME.

I do tell my H when I don't agree with his opinion. And I speak up -- that's your opinion. And that's okay. Everyone is entitled to their point of view. 

But when it comes to someone's opinion about me (calling me names or saying things that are hurtful) I always have a choice.

Is it the truth? Then I should look at that behavior in myself. But it rarely is. It's usually an opinion. A reaction. And I acknowledge it. Thanks for sharing your point of view. I don't agree. So be it.

You can only imagine how quickly that shuts down a PA.


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