# Husband to get along well with Family/Friends



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

My husband and I have been married three years now. We come from absolutely different family backgrounds, as in, I come from a close knit family who has always stood by me and supported me. I have couple of very close friends as well. On the other hand my husband comes from a family that has given him a lot of pain and grief. I understand the reason why he wouldn't want to trust people, and would like to stay away from people in general & be an introvert. He is over-cautious and many times unreasonably skeptical about my family members & close friends which causes me lot of grief and leads to an emotional drama. Moreover when I try to make him see that his assumptions are unreasonably negative, it appears as though I am taking sides which is not good. However if I don't say anything that is not good either. With this background it is also an effort to get him to do anything in this context (eg: go out for an occasional movie with my friends, talk to my parents or aunt on phone once in a while etc) In general he is extremely distant and for some reason tries his best to form a negative opinion about them whenever possible.

While this is one side of it, he loves me very much and is a really nice person otherwise. However these things cause lot of emotional drama. I am very protective about my family members as well as my husband and his unnecessary negative opinions about my family make me feel sad. 

I thought about this and I guess it could be one of both of these reasons (1) Since my husband's family has been a major negative impact, that is probably the default judgement he uses to evaluate people (2) Unknowingly he could be getting overpossesive about me and unintentionally trying to injure my close relationship with rest of my folks. :scratchhead:

Lot of the times after a drama he realizes his mistake, however that doesn't seem to create a long lasting change. I have talked calmly about this with him many times, however there is not much change. This issue is particularly tricky since I cannot talk about this to any of my family or friends (I do not want anyone to judge him based on this since by doing that I would spoil both ends of the relationship) 

I know there is no overnight solution to this problem. However please give me some constructive advice on how to make him see my perspective and voluntarily get along well with these handful of people that mean a lot to me. Also please let me know how to handle myself in the meantime since I do not want to be stressed out or move into the resentment zone. He is a real good and caring guy and I would like to fix this issue positively. 

Thanks in advance for your advice!


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Any suggestions?


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Sometimes couples who come from totally different backgrounds tend to have this problem. 

My H comes from a large family who is very tight knit. I come froma smaller family who rarely get together... In the beginning I was quite uncomfortable with sooooo many people at their family events... I felt so overwhelmed. And on the flip side, he usually felt bored with what few family member I have when we come for holidays etc.

"Getting along" with people is another thing- You can't MAKE people like other people if they truly do not have any rapport with them-- Best I can tell you is that it may take more time for him to actually warm up to people. 

Don't FORCE the situations or people on him, as this will surely drive him the opposite way. If he doesn't want to interract with your friends/family, just act as if nothing... go about you business... Isn't it more awful to impose the issue and come out with a fight between the two of you rather than leaving it be, and just waiting for HIM to turn around?

This could take some time... I mean A LOT of time, but you will need to be VERY patient and let things be. After 20 years of marriage, i have yet to get my H to see things rationally.... I just learned that you definitely cant make them realize things overnight... a lot of patience, sometimes years will have to pass before they can understand... pressing the issue never helps nor make anything any better.... Good Luck!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Unfortunately, I'm like your husband. I had been let down by my family in a major way and left home when I was 15. I had to be independent to surivive and learned to expect the worst from people. I had been raised around a bunch of losers and it really painted my view of the world. In adulthood it made me less tolerant of bad behavior and I would often over react to minor issues. Sound familiar? 

I would also get upset when we visited my wife's family. I felt that she would stop being my wife once her family dynamic settled in. She would go along with whatever the family plans were regardless of my feelings. She is the little sister and she had always followed her older siblings unconditionally. Her oldest sister is dominant and we often would clash over things like drinking too much or other not so great behaviors. It was frustrating for me and I was expected to play along even if I disagreed. *It rattled my trust in my wife.* How could she not see that their thinking was wrong? What happened to the person that pays attention to what I want? How come our family isn't her first priority right now? Basically, I was very insecure and was stuggling for control of my wife and my life. Very bad idea in general, but when you've been hurt like I was you really can't help it. In my early 40's (I married @ 30) I finally learned that all that controlling behavior and negativity becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and damages everything you touch. I eventually changed my behavior and recognized what I was doing, but the feelings of distrust are always going to be there to some degree. Your husband needs some IC to see what he's doing. Of course this only applies if your family and friends aren't totally crazy  

To this day I still think my wife should have recognized that she shifts her priorities once she's in the presence of her family. I asked her to consult me in private before making family plans that included me or our boys. I also requested that she doesn't put me on the spot and make me out to be the bad guy everytime her family wanted to do something I wasn't into. I encouraged her to go see her family without me whenever she wanted so they could bond. Eventually it all worked out, but I had get over myself first and be the bigger person. Frankly, her family isn't the greatest to be around and they have their own issues (Drinking/Anger), but compared to my family they are very normal. I still don't like to spend too much time with her family, but I realize that my boys need to be around them so I just bite my tongue and have another drink!

Peace


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
Okay, I understand what you mean by ''(1) Since my husband's family has been a major negative impact, that is probably the default judgement he uses to evaluate people(...)''. If you where to ask you husband what is behind this negative judgement, what do you think he would tell you? What is the DEEP feeling behind this you would think? You know, on the surface you can see the negative thoughts, but was is under that? What is deeply inside of him? Is it the fact to feel accepted? Does he want more affection or attention or again is it angriness because he would like to be able to have good relationships but he's not able to develop them. I think it would be a good idea to take the time to ask him some important questions to get the real answers. Maybe he doesn't know the answer, he needs your help to question him, to be there to listen to the answers.
After that, when he definitely know how he feels really inside, What need to happen? What's next? Would he like to explore that feeling more or take action right away to work on his relationships?
I think your husband need to be understood; he needs somebody to listen to his deeply thoughts.


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