# A little secret



## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

I have a stupid secret. I hate the fact I have it. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and I almost daily still think of my boyfriend from 14 years ago. I hate it, I try so hard to push these stupid thoughts out of my head. I try my best to honor my husband, to adore him and give him what he needs and wants. I love him deeply and I trust him with everything. We will be married forever I hope and have many adventures. 

I only want to be married to him and the thought of this other dude pisses me off because I certainly do not want to be with him, near him. At the same time, I fight my thoughts of comparisons (the other dude is damn sexy) and I can't get over the circumstances in which we met and were together; it was like we knew each other from birth. My friends couldn't stand to be around me and him because we would just sit and stare at each other in disbelief that the other existed. I heard he didn't date for four years after we split because he couldn't stop thinking of me. He got married to someone I don't know a few years ago. 

My husband and I have had more meaningful conversations I am sure, but a lack of feeling (in comparison).

It feels like he will just be a person in the parallel life we live and I will hopefully find out what he did one day after all those years. I know this sounds totally contrary to a good marriage, but is it possible to be loving someone out there somewhere? 

I hate to even write this because I want my husband only and I have no intentions of seeing this other person until at least the end of my life. This secret eats me up daily. It drives me crazy.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I feel you here ... deeply

I have no solution though. Just keep reminding youyrself of the real life that you have here, now and how it is good...


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

We split because my friends didn't like him, and my dad and his wife didn't like him. I was encouraged to get away from him. I thought it was a good idea because there was something unhealthy about him. I was two years out of a really tough spot in my life at the time and I wasn't going to let anyone get me down. So, I took the advice of others and I ignored him. It was really really hard. He sent snail mail and called and within a year, I met my husband. I was totally crazy over my husband and still am. 

I think sexy dude was a weird thing in my past. I know I am not the only one to have this secret, but what the he'll do I do with it. I doing talk about it to anyone, my friends do not have a clue he existed and my husband knows only a smidgeon and he is totally clueless. I do not want anything to go bad in our marriage. I am honestly seeking advice Nd not trying to show off or announce something. I cannot talk about it to my best friend (my husband), but I wish I could because I talkl to him about everything else. 

After posting this today, I went to yoga, and s thinking about this guy and how there is such a block and fear and nothingness when I think of him realistically, and my thoughts for my husband were so free, trusting, and ready. I felt stupid for entertaining these thoughts, but then, in a few weeks, it will come back. 

You are right about his wife. We have no clue who each other are. Well, who knows, she might Have seen a picture of me. We live thousands of miles away. 

Anyway, it's was nice to hear what you said. I just wish I could spew these stupid thoughts. I have already done some counseling for this very thing. I think I just have to shut it off. I don't even want to bring it up anymore. I have been practicing just pushing it aside and focussing on my husband. Rrrrrr. Perhaps I do need to work on what you said last. That is weird, do people punish themselves by keeping a secret? Hmmm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow, I like what you did, decided not to hide and not to be blown around by their waves. Sounds like a real mature boundary you made. Now, if they cross it, they will get stung by the law. Perfect.

Yes, I thought my sexy dude was not the faithful type. Though he was faithful with me with no doubts, I could see how other women would look at him and I knew he was flattered by it. We did have a strong connection, he knew what i was thinking before I could say, vice versa, but I felt there was something off. I remember choosing not to go to parties with him because I wasn't interested in drinking and I always had boundaries like that with him. I didn't want to surround myself with unhealthy people. My girlfriends were a big support. I was always t a distance in his life which is probably why he chased me. I was mysterious to him, but more so, we had this crazy strong connection like we had always known each other and were destined to know each other. 

But, just because there a strong connection, doesn't mean the relationship will work out. And, I know this is true for him and I. he sent me some mail at one point after I moved... He was telling me he was so sorry because he had slept with an 'older' woman, how he felt so bad because of me.... I was totally disgusted and was already emotionally disconnected to him. I was actually amazed he thought I geve a rats ass a year dyer I moved away. Then, I knew I was right all along. He can't be tamed. I honestly do not think his marriage will last because of that. Maybe now that he is older, who knows, but I know he started drinking. I did see him since I've been married. He wasn't married yet but was probably dating his wife at the time. Ten year reunion, about three years ago, and since then, I cant get him out of my mind. He mumbled how it was 10 years since we saw each other, and then he mumbled again even quieter how every ten years we 'meet'. It was quite a little prophecy he was devising. Now, I just keep thinking how I will not meet him but I can't stop counting down the years and fearing it. It plagues me. 

I keep thinking his marriage will fail cause he's an alcoholic probably womanizer, and he will be jogging past my house at 10 years wanting to see me. Oh brother. But then, I just think: can I appreciate his soul from a distance? Because I don't like his shell and how he has orchestrated his life. I keep thinking it's not so terrible to just appreciate him and wonder how he is fairing out in life and find out what he did when he's 99 years old. Holding on to that I am sure is not healthy.

I don't feel like I am holding back from my husband. Maybe I am? We are really close though often, I feel like he doesn't understand what I need. Overall he works hard to love me and we are very intimate. Over these years, we have seen how things can change and ow those silly things in the beginning of our marriage were fear based, but now we are more constructive and love each other mo than ever. He is sexy, fit, positive, amazing dad, very smart worker (one day I am sure he will be very wealthy), very much in love with me, does a lot for me. He nas downfalls and irritating things, but, its better to talk about the positive, helps me keep my Man in high regard. I know I've had some issues with trusting that my H will 'love' me.... Directly related to my dad leaving me after an intense father daughter relationship. My parents divorced and he remarried and hasnt looked back since. So, I am always wondering if my H is thinking o me when his eyes look away, or when he walks out of the room, or when he leaves for work etc. That is a bit exaggerated, but essentially, I battle those thoughts all the time. Lesson for dads: be a man. As for me... I just keep pushing those thoughts aside and when I am PMSing... I end up getting pissed at my poor H, cause I can't handle the wind when I am PMSing. When I was a teen, I had issues with my dad, and I started to gain boyfriends and I directed my energy there, I know I felt used but didn't know how to get love properly, didn't know I was searching so hard. In terms of ther being a case of something in my adolescence, I would say, those two things could give me a relational disorder. Totally. Should I be thinking of sexy dude Is created by my disorder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

yes, i do have a touch of nice guy aversion syndrome and rescue-itis!! That really made me laugh!! When I was washing the dishes this afternoon, I was thinking about the situation and I don't want to be his 'lover' in thought... i want to be his 'mother'. Just trying to identify what it is I am feeling. To rescue him. Duh! 

when my H and were married, i was repulsed by this guy and even after about five years. then, i came across him for the reunion. so, i was a lot like you feel right now, like i knew my world, was confident and wouldn't let anyone negative get me down. then, the memories started to creep in and pollute.

I assumed he is an alcoholic because he told me he was drinking a lot (when i saw him three years ago at the reunion). And, he had a swollen face with a big nose. Quite unattractive I know. my mother was common law with an alcoholic and they looked a lot alike. 

And, I know his personality, I cold totally see him latching on to something. Hopefully I made a good decision not to marry him for himself too. He told me he is glad we didn't get married because he turned into a bad guy! Drinking, probably anger. Hopefully it kept him from abusing a woman which would have been me. Listen to me... total rescue-itis. 

Already I have shed some pounds off this topic. It is clear that I have a fantasy to rescue him and please him. Please him like I try to do with my dad. 

I just wanted to get it straight: this guy you are talking about, did you get involved with him when you were married, or is this the guy you married? Then realized he was an idiot and disentangled yourself? Or did he actually die? What happened with that? Then you called your old flame who asked you to marry him 14 years ago and you guys ended up getting married? This new man also had an obsession with another woman?

when i did therapy before, i found that i didn't get very far. i just talked and it didn't seem like I gained a whole lot overall. we didn't talk about what i am doing because of my past. i am actually on the list for a therapist and should be called any day. I am trying to get a free one because our health plan is all used up until july. i suppose i could just spend the cash but there are a million other things i need to pay for. I don't think i told you we have four kids!


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

Last night was like a major major breakthrough in my life. I have been thinking a lot about this even though I have been thinking about it forever. 

You are so right about him planting that little seed. That is such manipulation. Neither of us could meet the need sof the other, it would be like a merry go round. With both people having obsessions like your husband and that woman. 

So, last night had this epiphany. It's will be hard to explain because I can see it's branches through everything in my life.

Basically, I realized I have been holding onto my body image (slightly pudgy after for kids), anxious about doing something about it, feeling like no one appreciates my body anyway. And, I have been sort of holding onto the thought I might see this dude again in 7 years and what if I look old and fat to him. Thinking I should preserve my body for him, that one day even when I am 90 uears old ad perhaps we met again! Not wanting to compromise my marriage but waiting until we were old. Holy crap! I knew was doing that but only just realized ow damaging that is for my sweet man now. The other day I asked him what I could do so that he felt close to me. He answers: adore me. And that is totally what I haven't bee doing. I have been comparing him to an unnatural image of dude or even the dudes before dude! Though I could tell you I wasn't activel comparing him, there was a smudge spot in my perception of him. Though I have been always worked toward better intimacy with my H, I can tell you I was a liitle disgusted here and there of his looks, how he carries his body, his (sexy buy mole covered) face, or whatever it was that day. I was criticizing him unfairly without telling him or other I was becoming re intrenched. This I realized is a direct result of me waiting for my fantasy life, where I can prove to dude I am still hot but not available! Or, waiting for the 'next' life ahead. I am always quite aware of myself so it surprises me I haven't seen how crazy this has been. I have been waiting for a redeeming time, or a time where I will be fulfilled and have people show me they always knew I was something special (insecurity from dad). 

So, I got thinking (a week ago), I need to adore my husband. And now I realize I wasn't adoring him with my whole self and belief and trust. And, whats not to trust? He has proved himself over and over and here I sit unmoved. I always wondered why I had this block between us. Thought I could ask people what to do... It's been hard. I thought it was all due to my dad, but why did I still feel so righteous? Wondered why I couldn't bring myself to accept him for who he is. I totally get it: because of the hurts of my dad, I went to men, men disappointed me overall but made me feel good. So I create this bank of feel good memories, some sexual good, fun things, philosophical goodness. Sexy young impressive men gave me a real impression as to what my husband should be. So now I can't trust my H, and he can't ever meet measure up to my standards. How can I adore him with that block. I feel so bad for him, because he must feel that i am not all in. Well, perhaps he doesn't have a clue how I have been in such turmoil. 

I am sure this doesn't make linear sense but it doesn't in my brain either. I wanted to emphasize that I wasn't thinking of just that dude, it was all the other men too, how one day I will see them and impress them. I remembered what I said about a guy I used to fantasize over... (before I met dude) I held him with such high regard because he treated me really good (flashy, monetary things) but bad really cause it was a summer fling and he was older than me, at the age when it matters. I called him 'the prince of the north'! After I grew up More, met dude, I laughed and scoffed at the idolizing of the old guy. But now, I actually think of him like I do dude, less often, but, on the list. So my real problem isn't this dude... It's fantasizing in general. I wonder if I ever saw him, would I look sexy enough still to please him? Then I would turn on my heel and wave goodbye. And leave him guessing about me! LOL!!! That is so manipulative and also, quite damaging and it has taken a lot of energy away from my real life. I even fantasize about doing this to my dad in a different sort of way, don't want to creep you out here. But , I'm sure you know what I mean.

I looked at myself in the mirror last night, naked, staring at the stretch marks on my boobs and thighs (pregnancy and breastfeeding), and I said out loud as if I was talking to my H: You are the prince of the world (king when he's old, prince now, but not lesser), and that he is the only one I wan to have me. I kept repeating this to myself with tears and full understanding of what I've been doing all this time to him, not adoring him, holding back, perhaps punishing myself like you said, (so as not to get too close, so I cannot be hurt like my dad did me). I felt younger all of a sudden, my body didn't have the tiny wrinkles and I felt less 'fat'. I used to look at myself like I was useless (like how my dad made me feel) and like I was just a fat old witch. I was putting a weird twist on myself with my body image. I felt like it was uglier than it really was. I saw my fat melt off, my eyes look soft and young again, my voice sounded nicer, my stress leave, my stomach shrink and saw me how my husband sees me: all his, young and sweet. I realized at that moment I was hanging onto my fat, my aging for a fantasy life. But rather, wouldn't I feel better if I could go jogging down the road and not care what my fantasy world thinks, for who knows, there could be a dude around the corner, even a neighbor for goodness sakes. But, for me, or for my family, not for fear. 

I saw this fantasy spoiling my life in a another way.... How I conduct myself in general... Explanation: I like being introverted, I like having friends, but I could never figure out why I was always so overwhelmed with certain people and they just drain me, just suck my life. I actually came across this marriage forum because I googled: why don't I want to take my kids anywhere with me"!!! I was feeling like crap because I see moms out there taking their kids out and all I can think is pure exhaustion arising. Part of the exhaustion is just taking out three or four kids at a time, and the other was a sort of anxiety of being around people I know well. I pin pointed that last night. It's because in feel embarrassed that people can see I am struggling with something in my life (whether they can or not, I don't know). But, it has been stopping me from seeing my friends on a regular basis. I am often irritated with my H and I leave feeling like they have better marriages, or better mate. Other women were often com paining about how their husbands were always doing something dumbass but I always felt like they sensed I had no trust, or that I was weak. They love me, and I know that, but I feel like I can't be sharing my life with people if I have things I need to figure out in my life. I know that is a perfectionist behavior which is my tool for ud for pleasing people, and at the same time, punishing myself with. 

The friends thing I will have to work on because the perfectionism thing is farther out that my latest epiphany. 

For now, I am remembering that I am only for my hsband, there is no other world to wait for or dream of, my husband needs my full adoration

I haven't had an epiphany for a long time. It is pretty good. I am so pleased; so excited. I know this is a building block not a fix all your problems thing. 

I agree with all you've said. It's really good stuff. Really interesting man stories too. I agree that guilt and shame are bad and I try to search myself and expose things. It's just hard to do it all at once. Baby steps. 

Yes, I definitely have rescue syndrome but I am standing firm in areas of my life where necessary, and this one is biggest.


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