# Animals lover married to animals hater?



## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I have always loved animals. I grew up around them while my husband did not. When we got married, I got myself a kitten. He said I will never keep it in our house. A couple months later, my little cat moved into the house and my husband felt in love him. I always adored to see them sleep together and I was grateful that he let me to keep him in our house. About 3 months ago, a feral cat with 4 kittens started to live under our shed. He did not like it, but I told him that I can't just ignore that. I started to feed them because I worried about those little ones. I told my husband that I will rather spend less on me, but I will always find some money to get some food for them. Today, I asked my husband if he could help me to build them a winter shelter. He said no. I said don't do it for them, just for me. He did not like anything I said. He told me that healthy people don't do stuff like me. That my idea is crazy and called me selfish. I asked why. By caring about animals? I just don't see how I can be selfish about that. I told him I don't want to spend too much, but I want to protect them from winter and bad weather. He was simply angry. This escalated into yesterdays issue when I asked to help me unload dishwasher. He did part of it,but never finished it. He watched tv this whole time while I was making a fundraiser cake for school. He always makes me feel as if I am asking too much of him. I told him about it today, that I feel he does not care about our marriage. He got louder and told me not to start with this subject. I asked why he thinks I am selfish. I got home and brought him supper while I could easily eat on my own without telling him. I bring him things even though he is able to get them on his own or make him his favorite supper when I am super busy by doing my assignments... His answer was "it was about time" - meaning- it is expected.

Another thing...we had this argument about water vs. electricity. When my husband washes his teeth, he always let water run-as fast as possible. I asked him to stop it when he does not need it. When he realized how this was getting me, he was doing it on purpose just to push my buttons. I told him I don't care if he showers longer if I know that water will end up on him, but to let water run with no purpose is very wasteful to me and asked him nicely to stop. On this, his argument was that my 3 lights in bathroom I have on cost more than his water. But to me there is a huge difference between water and electricity natural wise. So, after arguing ...I told him I won't use all lights light if this irritates him, and asked for stopping water in his case. Couple days later, I watched him to wash his teeth...nothing has changed. I turn off my lights, while he could not care less about water.

I just don't know what to do anymore. He wants to stay in this marriage but I feel more and more away from him. Am I selfish? Don't I see something?

To be honest, my counselor told me how different my husband and I are. I don't know how long I can think this will work. When we argued about that shelter, it just made cry how he thought I am selfish. Should I be embarrassed for caring about other creatures? This is who I am, I was always tenderhearted and always will be. I don't feel selfish. I feel so miserable with him sometimes. What to do?


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

You can't change people. They are who they are. Your husband is not going to change. You need to decide if this behavior is something you can live with. Sometimes different personalities complement each other, other times it is just too much friction and it will wear through.

Perhaps you should think about what qualities made you fall in love with him. Will those qualities, over time, be enough to overcome these qualities that are causing the problems?


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Sorry if this is a bit short or hard to follow. Typing this on my phone.

First, I'd forget about the water thing. While it raises your bill, you can't really ever waste water per say. Rather its the man made water cycle or the natural one whatever water you use in any way ends up cleaned and used in another city either down stream or down wind. It isn't destroyed or anything like that.

Second, I kind of agree with him on the stray thing. If you really want to help critters, donate time and money to the local shelters, and take the strays there. They can get proper medical care, shelter, food and adoption there. 

Turning you yard into the stray animal hangout is not get a good idea. It starts with one, but it grows over time.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Am I selfish?


Yes you are.

But that's just how you are. If divorce is worth the trouble for you, go ahead. You might find someone more tolerant and less resentful (your husband resents you btw), but yes you're definitely being selfish and quite bossy I would say.

I'm more of an animal lover than you are probably and would probably build that shed for the cats before you even asked me, but I don't think I could live with a woman as picky as you.

The level of resentment in your relationship is alarming by the way.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife does the same thing with the water and it used to drive me nuts until I realized there are much more important things in life to worry about, and that a few extra gallons of water a day is not worth another fight with my wife. Especially over something so trivial. 

As far as the stray cats. If they are under your shed it seems like they already have decent shelter. I would not feed them though as it will attract every other stray and other wild animals to your property. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

As a cat guy, I appreciate what you are doing for the feral cats. Your heart is in the right place.

But in the long run, you are creating a situatiln that will be unsustainable. You are feeding stray cats. They are going to become dependent of you. And when the kittens reach 6-9 months old, they will start to make more kittens. Then where are you? Best thing to do for all involved -- especially the cats -- is to bring them to a shelter. They will get food and medical service and hopefully adopted. If you cannot gather the cats, call animal control. You cannot let wild animals rule your yard. Especially since your husband is not on board with the situation.

You said your husband hates animals. Not true. I suspect he grew up without pets. Or perhaps had a bad experience with a dog or cat when he was a child. He has come to like the original cat you adopted. That is great - the happiest ending possible for the three of you; especially since you didn't consult him when you first got the cat. A big no-no on your part. Pets are something that should be agreed upon as a married couple.

Others have said don't sweat the water thing. They are right. It's not worth the fight. He perceived this as nagging and an attack. Over what - a little bit of water?

The two of you need to sit down and have a frank discussion on what your needs are. There is disrespect on both sides. If I demanded supper it said "it's about time" to my wife she would dump it in my lap. Both of you need a little bit of attitude adjustments that will hopefully come as you both mature.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

scoop the kitties up and find a no kill shelter
they need to be spayed and neutered and hopefully adopted


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> As a cat guy, I appreciate what you are doing for the feral cats. Your heart is in the right place.
> 
> But in the long run, you are creating a situatiln that will be unsustainable. You are feeding stray cats. They are going to become dependent of you. And when the kittens reach 6-9 months old, they will start to make more kittens. Then where are you? Best thing to do for all involved -- especially the cats -- is to bring them to a shelter. They will get food and medical service and hopefully adopted. If you cannot gather the cats, call animal control. You cannot let wild animals rule your yard. Especially since your husband is not on board with the situation.


^ ^ ^
THIS :iagree:

While I think it's nice that you want to help the cats, by this time next year you will have an EXPLOSION of cats that all need sheds built and need to be fed! Please, scoop up the kittens (mama too if you can catch her) when they are old enough to be separated from her and take them to the shelter or rescue facility.

And for the sake of your marriage, let the water/teeth brushing issue go. It's just not worth it. If it bothers you that the water is running, leave the room.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening elizabethb
I cannot tolerate any harm to animals and could never live with someone who could. While I am a very rational person about most things, I am not about this. I know that millions of cats die, yet I could not turn my back on a hungry or cold kitten. I have spent thousands of dollars to save someone's pets (yes I know that there are staving children in the world - I know I am not rational about this).

I think this is a very basic part of a person's nature and not something that will change. It may seem trivial to some people, but this could easily be a deal-breaker in a relationship.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

*Re: Re: Animals lover married to animals hater?*



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening elizabethb
> I cannot tolerate any harm to animals and could never live with someone who could. While I am a very rational person about most things, I am not about this. I know that millions of cats die, yet I could not turn my back on a hungry or cold kitten. I have spent thousands of dollars to save someone's pets (yes I know that there are staving children in the world - I know I am not rational about this).
> 
> I think this is a very basic part of a person's nature and not something that will change. It may seem trivial to some people, but this could easily be a deal-breaker in a relationship.


Very true that it depends on the people involved. I'm glad you realize your a little crazy about it. 

I've seen a friends wife raid the college savings fund to get an operation for a 16 year old cat that cost 18k and while it worked, the cat died 2 years later anyway.

All that said, don't feed the strays. I used to live in an apartment complex where this old woman feed stray cats. At first it was just 1-2 and no big deal.

Eventually it led to her getting evicted because she wouldn't stop 3 years later. It had gotten to the point where dozens of Strays were always hanging around and living in the crawl space under the building.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Thanks for your responses. I will let that water issue go. I believe there is resentment on both sides but I will try to work on mine. I tried this before and even though I got better, my husband’s criticism did not. 
As much as I love cats, I do not want cat’s colony around my house. I am going to take those kittens to vet to get them check and fix. I think I will be able to catch little ones, but their mom always hisses at me, so she is out of question for now. Even though I would like to take them to shelter, I am afraid what would happen to them next. They are use to leaving free outside, so part of me does not want to take this away from them. My husband keeps telling my cat that I am done with him because I have other cats now. This is not true, I don’t know why he takes it that way.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Well, you do only have so much time, energy and money. So whatever of those you devote to those cats, you can't devote to your house cat.

And you really can't just take them to the vet to fix then release them back Into the wild right after. That's a good way for the stitches to get infected or torn. They will require human care and supervision after surgery.

Honestly, take them to a shelter, or leave them be. Anything else is only going to make things worse for you and them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

No Kill Animal Shelters > The nOkill Network


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

"Caring" for the cats without getting them spayed or neutered is just contributing to the problem. 

But you guys have a lot of other issues that are more of a problem. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Captainstormy,

that's what I was worrying about...I would want to keep them in our laundry-room after surgery, but that would only cause problems in my marriage. My husband would not let me and doing so against his will would only create dangerous situation for kittens. 

I just wrote to one animal society and asked about my options. I am going to stop by vet's office and ask some more questions plus talk to our Human Society people. Hopefully I will find the best solution for those kitties.

Also, since they are outside cats and my indoor cat goes out for his "grass snack", I don't want him to be exposed some disease if they carry any. 

It is breaking my heart to see them outside in a rainy and cold days. Maybe I am just too emotional. 



captainstormy said:


> Well, you do only have so much time, energy and money. So whatever of those you devote to those cats, you can't devote to your house cat.
> 
> And you really can't just take them to the vet to fix then release them back Into the wild right after. That's a good way for the stitches to get infected or torn. They will require human care and supervision after surgery.
> 
> Honestly, take them to a shelter, or leave them be. Anything else is only going to make things worse for you and them.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> No Kill Animal Shelters > The nOkill Network


Thank you very much!


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

Does your husband's job stress him out and eat his energy? It sounds lazy for him to abandon a chore in the middle to watch TV and I'm curious what's the story behind that. Or when he said "it's about time" - does he really expect you to it all, or does he feel like you don't do enough compared to him?

My partner leaves the water running when he brushes his teeth. It drives me insane but for the sake of peace I pretend it's not happening.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing to consider is that your husband already compromised on his anti-cat stance with your first cat. Are you being reasonable bringing in a bunch of feral cats? Does he have reason to be concerned that one or more of these cats will find a more permanent home in your house?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You need to choose your battles wisely. Even if you won them all, you could still lose the war. That could happen by your husband building resentment. 

The water and electricity are non issues except in your imagination. The cats, that's an issue. Your husband already compromised and gave an inch, now you want to take a foot. Get rid of them.  

I don't fault you for being kind hearted, more power to you, but don't let it ruin your marriage. If you want to squabble with your husband choose something worthwhile.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if we are talking anything bigger than a bowl of goldfish, BOTH spouses had better heartily approve. ESPCIALLY if we are talking cats! ugh


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are two folks in this relationship. You want a cat, he doesn't, you get a cat. He doesn't want it in the house, you do, it comes in the house. Feral cats hanging around, he doesn't want to encourage that, you feed them and build them a shelter. He wants to let water run while brushing his teeth and you give him grief. He wants to shower a particular way and you have to intervene. Are you selfish? Doesn't sound like you're going out of your way to compromise or to be considerate of his views at all. 
In most states, if you feed stray cats, they are your cats. Take them to a shelter and get them fixed and hopefully, adopted. Encouraging legions of stray cats won't make anyone happy. 
Are a few pennies more important to you than your husband feeling valued and respected? If saving money is your goal, the best way to do that is keep your marriage. 75% of women in poverty are single. 
It is not compassionate or tenderhearted to treat a man like a child or to value the welfare of a stray cat over the welfare of the man you married. In truth, if you let this guy believe he is valued, respected, and appreciated, he's going to trip over himself to give what you want. 
It's nice that you bring him chow. It's more important that you value him as an adult human being on his terms. If he says he wants something, that's what he wants. If he says he doesn't want something, that's what he means. 
Not sure exactly how your husband feels, but I have been brushing my own teeth and showering my own nasty behind for a few decades without supervision. The marriage ceremony is not a promotion ceremony. You are his wife, not his boss, not his mother, not the water sheriff. You told him you don't care if he showers as long as....? Who cares if you mind how he showers? He has the right to shower as he pleases and you can feel free to not like it. You don't have some right to expect him to jump through hoops to satisfy your every whim. In short, you can be boss or you can be wife but you won't be both very long. If you really want everything your way, you can find yourself alone and you will be master of all you survey.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

To get things straight... I already said I won't keep cats nor iI will bring them to house. I said it to my husband today. He is mad anyway. Also I am not going to sweat water issue anymore. I never cared how long my husband takes shower it only bothered me through cleaning his teeth. For those who think I am the boss in family.. You are wrong. My husband is a good guy but he gives me orders instead of requests. He criticizes me daily for stupid little things. No, he doesn't have a stressful job. We both work full time plus I go to a college in evenings. I always wanted us to be team when it comes to house chores but he thinks it's female job to take care about house. I know lots of bossy wives but I don't see myself as one. My husband likes to be in a control. Until couple years ago, he wouldn't even let me use a credit card online without him while he is orders something every week. When we go to store, he buys more expe nsive clothes and I usually tell him to get something pretty while he complains about my own purchase. We are very different. Very. He gets angry easily just like today when I was saying I won' the keep cats. He called me stupid and it was end of our conversation.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Elizabeth... it sounds like your problems really have very little to do with the cats.

If your husband is as much of a jerk as he sounds like, the way you describe him, why would you want to stay in the relationship? I think the two of you would benefit from marriage counseling. If he won't go, you should see a counselor by yourself to learn how to deal with his anger and control issues.

If any man ever called me "stupid", I would be out of there so fast his head would spin.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He obviously has no respect for you. If you were to take out the relationship from all this and just look at this as if two people were interacting, what would your impression be of how he feels towards you? From what you've written, I don't see any love or even liking. Is there anything positive in your relationship with him at the moment?


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

"He criticizes me daily for stupid little things."

Like someone getting on your ass for how much water you use when you're brushing your teeth?


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

Sorry my last reply was short. You just seem so defeated and over it - BUT....

If you asked him to build a makeshift shelter and it was upsetting he wouldn't, that tells me he does other necessary DIY projects around the house. He expects you to clean but you expect him to build things, otherwise why would that be a point contention?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This isn't about cats or water or electricity. It's about respect and control. It's about blending two opposing personalities into one framework. Is this by chance your first year of marriage?

It's not often I agree with Unbelievable but in this instance I do. Your husband clearly doesn't feel respected by you, probably due to the cat issue, and the water issue probably made him feel even less respected.

However, it would have been better if he had communicated his feelings rather than simply firing back at you about your electric usage.

You can fix this. Have a talk with him about learning to show each other respect and honesty. When either of you "corrects" the other it feels disrespectful. Don't use so much water, don't keep so many lights on, don't feed stray cats.... These things have to be communicated and understood with regard to priority of importance. Where do you place water usage vs where does he? You may find that neither of you actually leave it that high but when either of you are feeling disrespected, the natural tendency is to reach for amo to fire back with.

You two have to agree that you will stop the tit for tat argument style. Use "I feel...." statements instead of "You always..." or "You never..." (And it's not I feel you waste water, it's I feel worried about the environment when the water is allowed to run and run." When you crystallize how you feel, you may come to see it more of the nonissue it really is.)

Lastly, animal lovers should NEVER marry people who dislike animals. The person who loves them ends up feeling marginalized because something important to their happiness is being forbidden, when they don't have animals. While the person who dislikes animals feels marginalized because their feelings aren't being respected when they do have animals. It never works!

I've told all my kids, if you're getting serious get a pet together. That'll tell you more about how well you work together than anything else.


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