# Kinda Stuck



## jknightwi (Jul 23, 2008)

I have been divorced 3 years now and have 4 boys. My ex just got remarried about a month ago. Our 2 oldest (23 and 24) have moved on and live on their own. My 2 youngest boys (15 and 18) have stayed one week on and week off with me for the past year. I have been in a good relationship over 2 years now and have lived with her back and forth each off week when I do not have the 2 youngest boys. She lives in her own house about an hour away so it is difficult to go back and forth to and from my apartment to hers on a daily basis. 

The 18 yr old just graduated last month and I feel that I do not want to continue the week away and week back at my place for another 3 years. It is tough leaving on that Friday from her place to go back and pick up the 2 boys. It has been that way for about a year now. My significant other has 4 kids also and her youngest just turned 19 and is moving out so she will be home alone that week I am at my place now and she doesn't like it. She feels our relationship is stuck. I am feel like I am being pulled in 2 different directions and I am not sure what my next step should be. The 18 year has just started working and wants to find his own place so I am not as concerned about him. The 15 year old is a totally different story. The divorce has been the hardest on him and his mother has completely brainwashed him to a point that he never wants to come over on the Fridays when I pick them up. 

There is no child support since both incomes were about equal and we had 50/50 placement. It was a nightmare trying to get 50/50 placement of the 15 yr old. It was a 6 month battle a couple years ago that I had to go through. She tried everything to get him. Now I am facing a situation I am not sure how to deal with. I am looking for any ideas.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Will your girlfriend be willing to move now that the kids are out of her nest? Can she move in with you - are you ready for that and does it make sense logistically?

Can you move closer to her? If you do so, I'm guessing you'd have to give up primary custody of your son and risk losing him to the exW's brainwashing. 

Do you WANT your relationship with your girlfriend to progress? It seems unfair if she knows your situation that she suddenly expects more of your time just because SHE can. I understand the relationship feels stagnant but your son will always be your son and he's been in your life for 15 years. A lot longer than the GF.

Now that the exW has remarried, how does your son feel about the new man? Is the exW redirecting her focus more on the new H instead of brainwashing your son? Would she welcome a change in custody to allow more time for her and new H?

OR can you and your GF both move to a place that is sort of in the middle which still allows your son to go to the same school?

Since she has the most freedom of choice here, it seems she should move to accommodate your situation and if she has to drive further to her work or get a new job, so be it...? 

Bottom line - I wouldn't limit time with your 15y/o. There are a lot of other ways to resolve this. 3 years is a drop in the bucket. OR could you put things off for one more year and when the youngest is 16, that allows him the freedom to drive, could that simplify things as far as getting to school from your place, allowing you and GF to find a place in the midst of the triangle that is her work, your work and son's school?


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## jknightwi (Jul 23, 2008)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Will your girlfriend be willing to move now that the kids are out of her nest? Can she move in with you - are you ready for that and does it make sense logistically?
> Can you move closer to her? If you do so, I'm guessing you'd have to give up primary custody of your son and risk losing him to the exW's brainwashing.
> 
> Do you WANT your relationship with your girlfriend to progress? It seems unfair if she knows your situation that she suddenly expects more of your time just because SHE can. I understand the relationship feels stagnant but your son will always be your son and he's been in your life for 15 years. A lot longer than the GF.
> ...


She has her own house and I have a small apartment. It would be more difficult for her to move here. Her kids and parents live close to her. She would need to sell the house. Sell all her stuff since my apartment is fairly small. We both have jobs that we can work anywhere. She telecommutes for her job 80% of the time. I own my own business and work from out of my home and work out of her home when I am there.

I do want our relationship to progress. My financially situation has been tighter lately and has prevented me from getting to the next step in our relationship that I would like to take. Getting a second job would help this but then where should it be at....by her place or mine ? 

The new H is just like the ExW....very materialistic....he has recently bought a Corvette that my 15 yr loves since he loves cars and he is becoming more and more materialistic like his mother. I am struggling to keep him focused on what is important in life and his school grades have been bad...his freshman year at the high school were all Ds and the only reason why he passed at all is because he is in a special group of kids that get grades for participation...sometimes 50% of the grade. I still think he needs my guidance as much as possible. Feeling torn and I have told my significant other that we will figure it out together by summers end before school starts again in the Fall.:scratchhead:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

She won't be far from family even if she moved. You certainly have flexibility since you rent. Why don't you sell her house and buy something together that is in an area that allows your son to continue to spend half his time with you since neither of you have commute issues? Instead of her place or yours, what about "ours" since you want it to progress as well?

And as to your son, what about taking him to a soup kitchen to work some Sunday morning? Or send him on a mission trip (if you're into church) to a third world country? If his esteem becomes too wrapped up in material things, that will be problematic for his future as very few young people have the means.

This may help you with his grades. Give him an assignment and reward him with something he's been wanting (like going to see a movie - nothing huge)... the assignment: look online at several jobs he could see himself doing. Find out what the average salary is. Remind him 30% will go to taxes so deduct that. Now look at apartment prices on line. Add in the cost of basic furniture - perhaps on a credit card at 24.9% interest. Now a car payment. Now food, utilities, gas. Add it all up and look at the discrepancies. Look at the education requirements for those jobs and what the entry level positions would be if he started looking at director/VP level stuff. The light bulb won't come on immediately but he'll see that he will have to invest X number of years whether it's college, experience, apprenticeship, etc. and then will he be able to live like he wants? Likely not. He'll have to adjust his expectations and maybe grow some respect for those who have accomplished these things.

"Pay"/reward him for reading (or read aloud to him) "The Leader Without a Title" by Robin Sharma. It focuses on effort and being the best you can be in a field and not as much on material gains plus it's written in a fable-style that isn't as monotonous as other types of books. Remind him in the real world we don't get attaboys for participation. Participation is the bare minimum expected just to KEEP your job.

If you can afford to take him on a trip (maybe for 16th?), take him to some impoverished areas in other countries. Watch documentaries over pizza that highlight impoverished areas or success stories about people who have risen from poverty. Or even closer to home, see if you can arrange a ride-along with police (for safety - maybe these big cities have a 'scared straight' program that you could utilize to highlight how bad it can be in OUR country) through areas like Detroit, NYC, gang infested areas of LA, seedy parts of New Orleans. 

If you want to give him perspective, you can reward him with one "freebie" each quarter of school - that is, he can skip school with your permission but on that day he has to do something - hand over his phone to you and watch one of those documentaries, read a book you choose about people who have sacrificed for basics, ride along with animal control (kids often empathize with animals), volunteer with a Big Brother chapter or you two spend the day doing one of the things in your own closest city.

The next three years will be HUGE. They will affect who he becomes. Will he become a materialistic, inconsiderate, entitled young man who thinks his education, jobs and possessions be handed to him? Or can you develop his empathetic, hard working, appreciative side. And that's worth more than a girlfriend. He will be in your life until you die (with any luck). Your girlfriend has already made it clear her love for you is conditional. I understand her getting tired of waiting BUT her kids were older and they are gone. Surely she sees your youngest still needs your guidance. 

How about she puts most of her stuff in storage for one year, rents her house and moves in with you? If you don't want to buy maybe you could move into a bigger apartment or rent a house so there's room for both of you to work from home. She'll feel like you two are moving forward, you'll both get an idea of whether this will work, your son will get to be with you half the time, still and you'll see how you all work as a family unit. She'll be able to evaluate if being a little further from family is a big deal or not. (An hour isn't much.)

I think you'll regret moving away from your son and seeing him become something you don't want and may resent the GF for it. And if things don't work with her you will have moved for what? Son comes first IMO. GF should understand that. It won't always be this way.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Just thoughts.
Your 15yr old needs you even if he doesn't know it now or is confused, he will later.
And see , we hear all this bs about how resilient kids are , yet look how we feel living in two different places .

Your gf , she sounds like she's being bloody selfish to me. look at what you've been doing for her this last few years yet the second now she actually has to make a little sacrifice , well. And if she's got her friends and family there then what's the big deal of being alone every second wk.
Alternatively , why not even just rent her place out for a couple of yrs , move down to you and you get something bigger between you. Let her do the trip home every few wks for once it's only an hour. 
And she's not showing too much concern for you and your 15yr old either .


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> Just thoughts.
> Your 15yr old needs you even if he doesn't know it now or is confused, he will later.
> And see , we hear all this bs about how resilient kids are , yet look how we feel living in two different places .
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100%


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