# My fiance left!!!



## JoeyDreams (Nov 15, 2012)

Hi.

Much to my anguish my fiance left and is living in another town.
The background: I am 33 she is 26. We've been together for 3 years. I know that this doesn't sound like all that long compared to a lot of the other posts I read on here, but it has been an extremely important 3 years of my life. I am in the medical profession. She is a jack-of-all-trades. We moved from an urban area (where her family resides) to a rural small town on the opposite side of the country. (escape rat-race, love of nature) I am working at a hospital here and the work is good and the town and surroundings are beautiful. We been have been living here for 18 months. She has been frustrated about not having a job (small town jobs are scarce) and bored being at home. I come home after a long day at work, she's excited to see me and I half would brush her off and just want to sit quietly for a while and read and relax. 
In July she had a temporary job offer in a town 2 hours away. We discussed it. Agreed. She'd come home on weekends. The job was only for 3 months. We'd survive.

6 weeks ago the job offer was extended for another month. I expressed that she can go for it if she wishes but I hope that it doesn't become a permanent thing. As you can well imagine, permanently living apart, except for weekends is not an ideal arrangement (but I guess neither is her sitting at home without a job)

3 weeks ago we had an arguement about a clash of her year-end work function weekend away vs a weekend that I had planned and paid for us many months ago. Neither of us backed down. 2 and a half weeks ago we argued again and this time she was stone faced and said that I'm jealous of her work happiness and she doesn't want to be miserable here with me anymore. She said that she doesn't think that she is in love with me anymore.

During the last 18 months I (and she) have been under tremendous stress: moving home, my father passing away (a major source of sadness for me) my beloved dog disappeared and half of my life's savings was lost in what turned out to be a ponzi scheme. 
My fiance told me that over the last year I have been unloving and I am not happy in myself and she feels that she can't make me happy.
She has given the engagement ring back to me. She is continuing working in the job in the othertown "for as long as the contract lasts" and has given us a month separation. I must also see a therapist in the meantime she told me. This I have already done 2 sessions of IC. She is not interested in going herself.
I know that I can be grumpy,bitter and irritable sometimes. Actuallly far too often and this is one of the major issues that she highlighted for me. I am really trying to work on these things. I have always been a bit this way inclined and after the death of my dear father I became even more sad to be around at home. 
I don't wish to paint such a bleak picture as I'm sure that you readers are gettig at this time. We go away on so very many weekends hiking, scuba diving, camping etc. We love this and we are both in our element when we do this stuff. 

The group that she is working with is mainly in their early twenties and seem pretty fun loving (read drinking and partying). The others are all been through recent divorces. I don't know if the ex-married folk have been telling her things like, "If it's like this now, it'll only get worse later..." and those kind of gloomy statements. I also know that she is younger than i am and needs some of that 'early twenties' party vibe. I did that in my student years (a lot ;-) ) and am mostly over that stuff. 

We communicate by means of texting. I text her how my day was and that I miss her and love her. She texts me back sometimes. And no emotion or warmth in the texts from her side. Just one short straightforward reply sentence each time.
We decided on no phonecalls at the time of agreeing on the one month separation.

She came around on this past weekend to get the rest of her clothes and jewellery. We did kiss and hug quite a bit (all from my inititiation though) but I made a point of keeping the conversation light and not go into the "relationship status" as I don't wish every contact between us to be gut-wrenching and push her away and make her avoid contact with me.

I love her dearly. She is a genuine, kind and soft-hearted person.Very physically attractive. We have had such awesome times together and I honestly didn't even suspect that there was any deep lying distance or resentment going on about me or the job/home situation. At least not to the extent to have to leave home and call off engagement. 
I have been good to her in our relationship. She had not lived or experienced much in the world and we've travelled a lot together and she has grown in confidence so much over the last 3 years. But I have also been irritable and critical. And I uprooted her from her hometown to join me on my crazy permanent adventure to the other side of the country.

Her social media status updates are all to do with broken hearts. (even tonight). Texting the way we're doing it is not working i don't think. All warm and fuzzy from me. Stone cold from her. And we can't see each other for the month (or longer) so she can't see that I am working so hard on addressing the issues of my moods, doing my IC, etc.

A lot of folk on here swear by doing the 180, but I have doubts that it will be effective on her. I genuinely feel, from knowing her, that she will just think that I've moved on and not attended to the issues.
But on the other hand, a beautiful letter I wrote to her admitting my errors and identifying where things need to improve and explaining the depth of my feelings for her was met with hardly an acknowledgement of receipt.

I am 99,9% certain of no EA or PA.
She's harldy even contacting her mother who she normally talks to very regularly on the phone.
There seems to be so much turmoil inside her. Like a midlife crisis. But at 26. 

A lot of her possessions are with me at "our" house. Including her beautiful but enormous dog. She is not even asking about how he is doing. I don't know if she is so muddled in her mind at the moment that she's forgetting to ask how he is, or just trying to limit contact with me.

I don't know what to do next.
What am I doing wrong? Where can I go from here? Feel free to ask questions for more details. (I can't really put everything in one post)

I appreciate input.
JoeyDreams


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Joey,

I think it's pretty clear: she is trying to let you down nicely. 

She doesn't love you anymore, if she does it isn't in a way that supports her own happiness. 

You wrote that she returned the engagement ring. So that happened. Right there is where the truth is. 

Also, you wrote that she wants you to see IC, but she doesn't need it....Right there is where the truth is. 

You are blinded, you have had a tough past year and you are overwhelmed. But she isn't going to wait for you to find a better place, she won't live in a lie just to spare your feelings.

You have received a message loud and clear from her. 

You must:
1. Mourn the loss of her
2. Learn to separate her from your life, material things as well.
3. You must move on. 

You are 33. Young. Lots of life left to live. 

Sorry Joey, she may be the woman of your dreams but she isn't "in-love" with you anymore. It's not you, it isn't really her either...it just happens. 

Be thankful that it happens now, while you are still young and able. Be thankful she didn't make herself miserable by staying with you to make you happy at her expense. If you love her, then you don't want her to not have her own happiness, right?

Time to be a man. How you do it is your choice. I recommend you focus on you. It took me several years after loosing my Father to find a happiness inside again. Dealing with that alone would be my first priority. 

Sorry buddy, emotional pain actually hurts just as much as being shot or breaking a bone. Take steps to deal with pain, recover and rehabilitate. 

Always do your best, rise above and be proud of who you are. 

Good luck.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Yup. It's clear. The problem here is communication and for what ever reason it wasn't clear. My ex left me with an email after 20 years together so sometimes it just happens. I was blindsided just like you are but with time it does get better. Try not to dwell on her reasons because it won't matter. Just get better learn and next serious relationship never stop communicating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beathan914 (Oct 29, 2012)

I definitely agree with 
ferndog. Dont worry about her reasons. I have pressured and asked and hounded my ex for her reasons and she doesnt even want to talk to me now. 
I cant go into her apartment, I pick our son up from daycare and when I drop him off she meets us donstairs in the parking lot to get him. The reasons do not matter it is just done. I can attest that the more you push the farther away they will go. I didnt learn that until it was too late.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Yup a year of analyzing and wondering what went wrong. What to fix how to return to that place . A year of dweling and shock till one day it hit me.
It didn't matter what I wanted or how much I valued the marriage. She was gone and wanted nothing to do with me. No answers no anything. The only way you will get better is to accept reality and cry your heart out and when your done. Just keep your head up and keep going. It will take time the heart will get better.

Hell once in a while my eyes will tear up but I shake it off. You can do it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

I know what you are going through and how tough it is. Last Sunday my partner of 12 years (the man of my dreams - or so I thought) left me. Just like that. Like flipping on a switch. We also moved from a very urban to a very rural area a few years ago. Turns out he hates his job and has trouble finding another one because this place is so small. 

What people have told me and I hope it helps you too:
1. go to counselling. I have already been once since the separation and am going again tomorrow. it helps so much
2. focus on yourself - do what do you like to do and go out there and do it. 
3. if you're into that kind of stuff, get a self-help book. I can't remember what mine is called but it is by this woman susan Elliott. I read through it once already (it is an easy read) and it has tons of "exercises" (which I have not done yet)
4. As difficult as it is to do, stop texting her, hugging her, telling her you love her. You will come across as overbearing and suffocating. 
5. Stay in the moment and take things hour by hour or minute by minute if you have to. Make a mental note of your coping achievements (mine is for example, I already made it 96 hours since the breakup, I will be ok)

I know how hard it is. Good luck and keep posting here, that really helps too.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Joey

It sucks bud but I think she is through. Also sounds like she does not want to be tied down to you or anyone right now.

Can I make two suggestions:

1. Use IC to fix yourself. Become a the manyou want to be.

2. Gather up all her stuff and the dog. Drop it off at her place or work. Do it just the way she broke it off with you. Quick. No drama.

That shows her just how much you have improved.

It is time to get your life moving Joey. Keep scuba diving. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

HM64


----------



## JoeyDreams (Nov 15, 2012)

To dumpedandhappy, ferndog, Beathan, SecretTears, Happyman64 and Satya: I thank you and seriously appreciate your time to respond thoughtfully to a person you've never even met before. It's great of you all.
Update: .................not much. I cut communication yesterday. Her mom called me a day ago to check how I'm doing and to see if I've heard from her (fiance). Cos she hadn't heard anything for 5 days. As I mentioned in my initial thread-starting post, she's not talking to anybody in the outside world. She used to speak to her mom almost nightly. Her mom is super upset. One interesting thing her mom did tell me is that her contract is expiring in ten days. I wonder what the hell she is going to do. (Work provides her accommodation etc. in that town) 
Second point of interest: her dog was ill over weekend and I took him to vet on monday. Fiance didn't even ask how it was and if the dog is ok or not. She still, to this day has not asked. (Plus it was super-expensive medications I forked out for him).Incredible. This is completely, completely not her at all!! She has for the years that we've been together been a soft, affectionate, thoughtful and helpful girl and her big dog has aways been her pride, joy and baby. Look at this now.... The mind boggles....


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Well Joey

Something serious is going on.

Do you think it is time to pack up the dog and go check on her?

If you find her shacked up with somebody, just drop off the dog.

If she is just losing her marbles, keep the dog and tell her to call her Mom because she is worried about her.

The ball is in your court no matter what you decide to do.

She might be dumping you but I doubt she is dumping her Mom which leads me to believe someone else is involved.

HM64


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

It hurts when you invest all your heart I a person and they leave (she is your fiancé so you of course love her) 
The thing is you don't have control over her actions. Im 36 and my ex left me last year after 20 years together. Yup since I was 15. 
Yes of course it hurts but all you can do is heal with time. Do not allow yourself to be stuck. 
Take time, reflect, heal and then move on. Everyone is different of course so I'm not sure of the chances of her coming back but I suspect very small.
How long were you engaged? Was the marriage plans in effect? Of you need to, go to counseling to heal. Keep posting here. Talk to your family. What ever just don't bottle it in or depression can set in and that one is hard to get rid of.
Keep your head up. Seems like your a quality person with a lot of love to give. Take your time and when you are ready you'll start to move on. 

Sorry about you situation . Sometimes they're is no reason. Sometimes it just is. Accept it and get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JoeyDreams (Nov 15, 2012)

OH!!!! I forgot to mention... Last week friday I decided to call her to ask her openly (and boldly) if she really wants the month apart or is she just letting me down gently. In other words I asked her if she would prefer to end it now or wait out the month. She said that she wants to wait out the month. I don't know if that is good or bad. I also don't really feel that it is good allowing her to call every single shot now and I'm the pleading doormat. Hence that is why, as I mentioned above, I cut communication as communicative responses from her side were weak and emotionless. I guess a semi-180 from both of us. She may well be through with the relationship. But maybe not. Why did she not take me up on the open offer to end it now?? I'm usually quite aware and understanding of what is happening around me, but hell, I do not at all grasp this situation.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It was great. It's over. Luckily, there are a few billion eagerly waiting to take her place. You got to hang out with a woman for three years and you still get to keep your residence. You're not sending some lawyer's kid through college. You're not paying child support for the next 15 years. Life is good. Get drunk, get laid, forget her, and move on.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Well I'm
Sure all will agree (you will too) that a quality relationship is bared on certain things love, respect, honesty, loyalty, and COMMUNICATION. 
Seems this is lacking since you did not expect her actions. What were her reasons for leaving? Why does she need a month? Wht are her plans? 
Etc a lot of questions here. So the communication part is not there (minimum maybe more from the list). 
So even if (big if) you get back with her your relationship is not at it's best. You both will need to start communicating more or it just won't work. 
Without communication all other qualities start to fade away. 

If she does ever return. Just don't accept that. You need answers and reassurance that this won't happen again. And that is earned through time.

"takes time to earn respect and just a moment to destroy it, to rebuild it may be next to impossible " me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She dropped off the face of the earth because she is guilty and ashamed on who she has found for a new boyfriend and knows everyone will dissapprove of the looser that got in her pants..

Ya, I'm way out of line and totaly wrong....sorry. She is working on this secret project and when she is done you and her mom and the entire family wil be so proud of her work...but for now its way to sercret to reveal right now. But soon you all we be so proud of this work she had to keep so quite about.....Ya thats it, why else would she be hiding from here life of you and mom and all the other poeple that love her?

I don't know what I was thinking, how silly of me to think she was ashamed in what she has become or who she has been hanging around with!


----------



## JoeyDreams (Nov 15, 2012)

Happyman64: I like your idea about the dog 
Ferndog: Some good insight there too I'll take to heart along with the other responses
Unbelievable: Sorry about your situation. Sounds a lot more complex than mine. But I enjoy your blunt humour
Ferndog again: Your quote is very valid in my situation. If we were ever to reunite it would take a lot from me to respect and trust her loyalty again. I've never been a jealous or untrusting person with her. But this has (once again, with my approx 5% chance of reuniting) certainly broken my faith in her.
That is sad. But I'm sure no sadder than any of your stories.....
Thx again for your responses


----------



## JoeyDreams (Nov 15, 2012)

The Guy: Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I regress, she has found someone else and this someone else is not the calibur of man that her family would like, and #2 shehas been seeing him for a while and this new guy has not made a commitment, but this new guy has a month to commit to her or she out of there. We all know were she is going to go don't we.

JD, I hope her new guy doesn't commit and you get her back next month.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Come on dude why else is she hidding.

Can some here that is not so closely connect to this see thru the forest or is just me?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Joey

Did she leave her engagement ring with you when she picked up more clothes and jewelry?

The more you tell us, the less I would ever take her back.

HM64


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She left. You shouldn't be begging someone to marry you.  She found a life that she wants and it's fun for her. She probably found someone else too.

Long distance relationships, imo, rarely work.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

JoeyDreams said:


> 3 weeks ago we had an arguement about a clash of her year-end work function weekend away vs a weekend that I had planned and paid for us many months ago. Neither of us backed down.


Sometimes plans need to change. ESPECIALLY when it's due to an unforseen change of job and associated responsibilities. She was right, you were wrong. It's probably too late for the two of you but learn from it. So what you paid money for the weekend, she had responsibilities to her job. Cut your losses, and cancel or reschedule the weekend plans. It's not like she was saying "I don't want to go with you" or "I am going somewhere else with friends". She was being responsible and putting her job first and you don't seem to get that.



JoeyDreams said:


> We go away on so very many weekends hiking, scuba diving, camping etc.


You go away ALL THE TIME and you make such a big deal about her having to cancel ONE weekend due to a job related task that was unforseen at the time it was made. Wow. If you've been working on yourself, do you see how out of line you are?? Have you apologized and told her you realize you were wrong and why?



JoeyDreams said:


> During the last 18 months I (and she) have been under tremendous stress: moving home, my father passing away (a major source of sadness for me) my beloved dog disappeared and half of my life's savings was lost in what turned out to be a ponzi scheme.


Well, you probably had to move and your father passing is sad, but the last two things? Your dog "disappeared". Responsible pet owners don't let their dogs wander off, and losing half your life savings in a fraudulent scheme.. well let me just say that's all on you pal. Do you accept that you screwed up? Did you tell her you messed up or was it more like "Well they tricked me and there was nothing I could do about it". Again, do you accept responsibility for the monetery losses and losing your dog? Nowhere do you even suggest any of this is your fault and maybe that's a big part of why she left. 



JoeyDreams said:


> The group .. telling her things like, "If it's like this now, it'll only get worse later..." and those kind of gloomy statements.


They're probably right.



JoeyDreams said:


> I honestly didn't even suspect that there was any deep lying distance or resentment going on


Hopefully you now realize you had blinders on and the signs were there but you failed to acknowledge them because it's easier to bury your head in the sand rather than deal with them.



JoeyDreams said:


> A lot of folk on here swear by doing the 180, but I have doubts that it will be effective on her.


The 180 is for you, not her. It's not some sort of manipulative tool to change the mind and emotions of another person who no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.

If you're changing for the better, then you know this.



JoeyDreams said:


> I am 99,9% certain of no EA or PA.


Pfft. Yeah ok. Good luck with that sort of "head in the sand" thinking- that's part of what allowed things to get out of hand in the first place. Then again you could be right, she called off the engagement, you're separated, if she's with another guy or guys then it's not an affair. 



JoeyDreams said:


> so she can't see that I am working so hard on addressing the issues of my moods, doing my IC, etc.


I have my doubts how much you've changed, and so what you're working on yourself. She doesn't care anymore. Possibly some time apart may cause her to rethink, and if she finds this new, changed, sensitive guy, then maybe you'll have a shot. But it's not looking too good, so yeah go 180 so you can focus on yourself and less on her.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Funny how she didn't mention being unhappy and feeling unloved while she was sitting home without a job for 18 months. Once she got her own money and whatever else was interesting out of state, she informed the OP that she had been miserable with him for over a year. He served his purpose for her, I guess. I'd be willing to bet just about anything that she's lined up someone else.


----------



## JoeyDreams (Nov 15, 2012)

Hi Sharkeey: Interesting food for thought. Regarding the weekend away: I honestly never looked at it like that. To me, if I if had any pre-arranged plans, that would take priority over others unless it were a close friend or family illness or emergency. But I do understand what you said and I'm mulling it over in my head.
Regarding the disappeared dog: I can certainly say that I am a responsible dog owner. My spaniel was an escape artist. I had eventually increased the height of the fences, chopped his balls off and put razor wire around the bottom of the fences (as a last resort on advice from vet) to stop him escaping the garden. The evening he disappeared, my fiance and I had gone for dinner locally and a thunderstorm started up and the dog was always terrified of thunder. When we got home (early) he was not there. Some fur was still attached to the razor wire. He had wriggled through and probably hurt himself in the process. Never saw him again. Fiance distrought. Me- distraught. We search for months. Ads in papers and radio. Thousands of flyers. It was just a sad situation. Not my irresponsibility. 
Regarding the ponzi: Over 3000 investors caught. Over 3 billion bucks involved. One of the biggest ever. My own financial advisor and lawyer even had their own money in there. I guess I could have been more discerning and street-wise with the "investment", but I'm in the medical profession and I knew no better than to take the advise of my paid financial planner. I still don't feel that I was irresponsible. Not even in retrospect. 
But I do acknowledge that I could have been less on a downer cos of all of it. And I acknowledge that I am responsible for letting it it all get to me and me me less of the person I used to be for her.
And I do acknowledge that I perhaps did have my blinders on to her situation at home. And perhaps missed the warning signs.
But I do still believe no EA or PA. Perhaps head in sand still. But I think that she's found what she feels is a more joyful and playful life for her with some younger ones in the new town she's in. And I think it's over between us. I wish it weren't, but I think it is. I never set out to portray that I'm perfect. Cos I"m not at all. But the dog disappeared despite all my good efforts and was just an unfortunate situation. About the ponzi- I know of 2 folk that committed suicide cos of it and my fiance even once told me that I was dealing with it well considering the proportions of it. But I think overall, the sum of the losses took their toll and I became less of the person that made her happy compared to the previous couple of years. And that change in me, coupled with the situation of her home-life (no work) and new town (work, own money and young party-going friends seems like better option for her right now).


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Funny how she didn't mention being unhappy and feeling unloved while she was sitting home without a job for 18 months. Once she got her own money and whatever else was interesting out of state, she informed the OP that she had been miserable with him for over a year. He served his purpose for her, I guess. I'd be willing to bet just about anything that she's lined up someone else.


Don't listen to what they say, watch what they do.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

JoeyDreams said:


> To me, if I if had any pre-arranged plans, that would take priority over others unless it were a close friend or family illness or emergency. But I do understand what you said and I'm mulling it over in my head.


And of course, unforseen work related responsibilities. Not sure what there is to mull over. No doubt she couldn't understand why you didn't see the importance of her job over a weekend of fun. I'm sure she would have rather done a fun weekend than year end work responsibilities as well.



JoeyDreams said:


> Some fur was still attached to the razor wire. He had wriggled through and probably hurt himself in the process. Never saw him again.


Probably bled out and went somewhere to die. Sounds like you did everything you could.



JoeyDreams said:


> Regarding the ponzi: Over 3000 investors caught. Over 3 billion bucks involved. One of the biggest ever.


Madoff? Bummer. Sounds like you got caught in something that was way beyond your ability to see for what it was.



JoeyDreams said:


> But I do still believe no EA or PA.


Why? Because you don't want to or because you have kept your eye on her 24/7 for the past several years?

You don't know what she's doing when she's not with you. Don't confuse the truth with what you want to be true.


----------

