# Spouse Not Talking to Me for 2 Days - Common??



## nicholascanada

UPDATE: 3 days now!!

Hey just looking for some insight on whether my situation is "normal".

Two nights ago my wife needed the fan on for sleeping. She had a couple of bad nights sleeping due to being to hot.

She said please don't touch the fan overnight, she was setting it on low. Stupid me woke up at 4am and realized it was freezing in our room, and the fan was now on medium, so I turned back to low. 

Woke up and when questioned admitted I had made a bonehead move by changing the fan, as she ended up having a bad sleep again.

She now has not talked to me for two days. I have never had this happen in a relationship, so just wondering if this is something "normal"? I realize I made a stupid move, but not talking for two days makes it hard to move from that spot.

Thanks for your time, I greatly appreciate it.


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## EnjoliWoman

I can't answer about whether or not it's "common" but I find the silent treatment childish. It's fair of her to complain that she asked you; it's fair of you to say you were cold and she had wanted to keep it on "low" so moving it from "med" to "low" didn't seem to infringe upon her request but from now on you'll leave it alone and grab a blanket if you're cold.

Problem solved. Or at least that's how I think respectful and caring ADULTS behave. Whether they do or not - that's another story.


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## nicholascanada

EnjoliWoman said:


> I can't answer about whether or not it's "common" but I find the silent treatment childish. It's fair of her to complain that she asked you; it's fair of you to say you were cold and she had wanted to keep it on "low" so moving it from "med" to "low" didn't seem to infringe upon her request but from now on you'll leave it alone and grab a blanket if you're cold.
> 
> Problem solved. Or at least that's how I think respectful and caring ADULTS behave. Whether they do or not - that's another story.


Yes ive done stupid things like this before. Def dont do it out of spite. Just not thinking. And usually the same silent treatment for a period of time. I just find it odd to not talk to your spouse for 2 days over this. Be mad, yell, whatever but not talking just seems odd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

The silent treatment is a form of passive aggressive behaviour and designed to punish the party who is on the receiving end of it. Does she do this often? If not, it sounds like she's hacked off at you over something other than just turning the fan down to low!

IMO, the only way to deal with this sort of thing is to avoid 'playing the game.' Stay in your 'adult' and ask her if she'd like to talk about what's troubling her. If she says No, tell her that if she changes her mind you'll be there, but don't reward her for her behaviour by trying to get around her etc. Try to act as normally as possible until the tantrum comes to an end (get out of the house if necessary), and when things return to normal you could try working out ways with her to communicate more effectively.


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## anchorwatch

Nick. Why is your wife hot at night, now that is fall? How old is she? Is it that time of life?


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## lostintranslation27

It is deff odd not speaking for two days over something so dumb but it does happen when my husband is mad at me for whatever reason he will ignore me until he is ready to talk... But I have found that sometimes you have to be the one to talk first.. after all it has been two days she should be a more calmed down by now


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## diwali123

Passive aggressive stone walling, it's a form of emotional abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

anchorwatch said:


> Nick. why is your wife hot at night, now that is fall? How old is she? Is it that time of life?


I was wondering about menopause as well. That could play a part in her moodiness.


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## CharlieParker

I wouldn't call it normal. How is the communication otherwise? How old is she, menopause?


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## Sbrown

Learn to enjoy the silence. My ex would do this and I got to where I was really good at pissing her off just for the break. Ignore her abuse live your life like an adult. Why would her sleep quality out weigh yours? Freezing in a cold room is not a good way to get quality sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife

How old is she? Menopause? That would certainly make sense. If so, ride out the storm.


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## nicholascanada

southern wife said:


> How old is she? Menopause? That would certainly make sense. If so, ride out the storm.


Not menopause she is 43. She has been stressed lately and that has affected her sleep. Might not just be heat but that seemed part of the cause for her not sleeping. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nicholascanada

CharlieParker said:


> I wouldn't call it normal. How is the communication otherwise? How old is she, menopause?


Not bad but when things like this happen , when she gets frustrated over my lack of respect, it is complete shutdown. 

Once i waited her out and it was a week! 

I am very sensitive. So when she doesnt talk to me i get really upset. Not angry but stress wise. And after battling cancer for over a year, i know i need to limit my stress for many reasons. 

I guess i need to just try to let it bounce off me and let her do her thing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## string72

Not normal. Talk it out, find out more about it. Something else might be bothering her. She may not even know that you are bothered about her behavior.


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## A Bit Much

nicholascanada said:


> Not menopause she is 43. She has been stressed lately and that has affected her sleep. Might not just be heat but that seemed part of the cause for her not sleeping.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perimenopause can begin in your late 30's. I'm still not in full blown but have been in this state now for 4 or 5 years and I'm 42.

No. It's not normal to not talk to your spouse for days. I think she's keeping a tab on your faults and it's making her very cranky and resentful everytime she percieves you are being inconsiderate.


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## EnjoliWoman

43 can still be menopause. Do you know when her mother went through it? I have a friend who went through it mid-30s; ran in her family. You're battling cancer and she's being the whiner about the room temp?

Well THAT puts a new spin on things.


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## CharlieParker

nicholascanada said:


> she gets frustrated over my lack of respect


She see this a lack of respect? Are you on eggshells the whole day? How is not talking to you for days respectful? There's got to be more.


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## A Bit Much

> after battling cancer for over a year, i know i need to limit my stress for many reasons.


Hold the phone...

You're battling cancer? OMG. She's lost me on this one. I'd probably go sleep in a different room. She sounds like a selfish a-hole.


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## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> Perimenopause can begin in your late 30's. I'm still not in full blown but have been in this state now for 4 or 5 years and I'm 42.
> 
> No. It's not normal to not talk to your spouse for days. I think she's keeping a tab on your faults and it's making her very cranky and resentful everytime she percieves you are being inconsiderate.


Well totalky agree with this. I do forget to do stuff at times and yes, maybe she just keeps adding to the pile. Just weird as 5 days ago when she was very stressed about stuff, she asked me to take care of her. I said absolutely thats always what will do. 

Now 3 days past that and she doesnt talk to me for 2 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

nicholascanada said:


> Well totalky agree with this. I do forget to do stuff at times and yes, maybe she just keeps adding to the pile. Just weird as 5 days ago when she was very stressed about stuff, she asked me to take care of her. I said absolutely thats always what will do.
> 
> Now 3 days past that and she doesnt talk to me for 2 days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well with chemo you're going to get chemo brain, and you're not going to remember things like you used to. I know a few people who've been through it and it's really tough. I think she's being unreasonable. I understand she has pressures and stress just with you being ill, but come ON!!! She's being very childish and very selfish.


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## twomistakes

It sounds like she's overacting. I do things without thinking that inconvenience my H all the time (he's in a wheelchair) - leaving things out in his way, forgetting to put things he'll need on lower shelves, etc. The thing is, we do certain things out of habit. It's 4 AM, you're half asleep, you're cold... of course you will turn the fan down! The fact that you remembered to keep it on low is pretty good to me.

My H gets annoyed when I do stupid things like that, sure, but he recognizes that it's just an honest mistake. It's me being thoughtless. But, like you, I always apologize - and have been getting better at being more considerate. I'm not sure what more you could do than apologize and tell her you'll try to remember in the future. That certainly doesn't warrant the silent treatment.


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## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> Hold the phone...
> 
> You're battling cancer? OMG. She's lost me on this one. I'd probably go sleep in a different room. She sounds like a selfish a-hole.


Its funny the few times ive posted stuff people seem to always call her selfish. Def a trend. 

Well i am no angel. We've had discussions about the heat for years. So two nights ago she said she would just go downstairs to sleep. I said no stay and i promise i wont touch the fan. Unfortunately at 4am my judgement was wacko and i saw it was medium not low and turned it back to low. 

I dont think its chemo brain i just dont think sometimes or forget. Again i dont do it out of spite. Whether its forgetting to open the dishwasher on time, touching the heat without letting her know, or not cleaning my dishes off well enough...she def has to tell me more than once on some things and that seems to wildly frustrate her. 

I just think the silent treatments seems a bit odd to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

I'm sure you're not an angel. Thats not the point for me. The point for me is she's uncomfortable and she's taking it out on you as if it's all your fault and there's no solution to it. That's not true, and very unreasonable.

Temp in the bedroom is controllable. She was sleeping fine unti 4am, so I see that as MOST of the night she was fine. You didn't ruin her sleep, it's likely bio or mental on her part. What isn't controllable is your illness that's been ongoing. IMO she's got the 'what about me' whine going on and I don't think it's fair to you to behave this way. It's an extreme way to show displeasure and to punish you for not having things her way.

She's in the wrong here. Before I knew of your illness IMO she was wrong. You don't shut down for days like that over a fan. And to be honest, I'm one of those people who feel that I may not have another day to tell my husband I love him or be kind to him. So why act like that? Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. Life is too short to behave like this.


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## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> I'm sure you're not an angel. Thats not the point for me. The point for me is she's uncomfortable and she's taking it out on you as if it's all your fault and there's no solution to it. That's not true, and very unreasonable.
> 
> Temp in the bedroom is controllable. She was sleeping fine unti 4am, so I see that as MOST of the night she was fine. You didn't ruin her sleep, it's likely bio or mental on her part. What isn't controllable is your illness that's been ongoing. IMO she's got the 'what about me' whine going on and I don't think it's fair to you to behave this way. It's an extreme way to show displeasure and to punish you for not having things her way.
> 
> She's in the wrong here. Before I knew of your illness IMO she was wrong. You don't shut down for days like that over a fan. And to be honest, I'm one of those people who feel that I may not have another day to tell my husband I love him or be kind to him. So why act like that? Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. Life is too short to behave like this.




Yes going back to earlier posts this year, one of the other oddities I encountered was for a trip after my cancer battle for the last 15 months.

We agreed at the beginning of my treatment not to travel for this year. After radiation, chemo, surgery, chemo, surgery my mind changed. I am sorry, but I need to get away. 

So a few months ago I told her a friend of mine was going down to Florida, had free accom to stay with him, dirt cheap flight, and I wanted to go down. Her immediate response was, laced in UTTER ANGER and TONE, was "You promised me we would not take any trips this year". I was flabbergasted. She brought up the fact she has said no to trips and could not believe I was thinking of going.

So not even the cancer journey was enough to make her think, hey you know what, that sounds like a great idea. I did end up booking the trip, but she still reminds me monthly in conversation that at least YOU get a trip this year, she has nothing.


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## Jellybeans

No, it's not normal. If she uses the silent treatment as a habitual pattern, withdrawing is a form of emotional abuse. 

Talk to her about it and say not talking will no solve anything.

I am sorry to hear about your cancer and I hope you kick it in the face and it never comes back again! Your wife should be with you, supporting you, not being a passive-agressive twit.


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## A Bit Much

Agreements aren't promises to do anything. You agreed and now you changed your mind. You can do that. Does she want to go or something? I would ask her. If she wants, maybe she could go away for a while... you sound like a very laid back go with the flow kind of guy. It's very possible your journey has changed your mind about MANY things in life. She's not there yet....and that's unfortunate. I would want you to go have fun.


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## A Bit Much

My father has been in a battle with cancer for the past 2 years. His wife is very very protective of him... and she wouldn't ever treat him like this. She gets upset that they can't go out of town on a whim (money is short, travelling isn't very easy for him because of the walking), but she's a trooper. I'm not around them 24/7 but he says he doesn't know what he'd do without her and her help. She's been his rock. She complains about things but always says, well it's nothing compared to what your dad is going through.

Your wife needs to get a grip. Her anger about your trip could be interpreted as wanting to be protective of you, but from all angles she looks like she's just jealous or envious of the attention you demand (not outright demand, but you do require some special attention and it's understandable).


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## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> Agreements aren't promises to do anything. You agreed and now you changed your mind. You can do that. Does she want to go or something? I would ask her. If she wants, maybe she could go away for a while... you sound like a very laid back go with the flow kind of guy. It's very possible your journey has changed your mind about MANY things in life. She's not there yet....and that's unfortunate. I would want you to go have fun.


No I def asked her to come, go out the week before I head out with my friend. Recently I actually begged her to come as I said it would be great for her and I after all we have been through. She said no again. Which I respect..maybe dont fully understand, but respect. Funny, we had this discussion with this trip and a new car for me. Both due to cancer and my thoughts changing on things. Somebody in this forum said at the time, I will never forget, that their reaction to the trip would have been "Wonderful, you need this. Or, hey thats great, what about me coming along. OR, let me book the trip right now for you" But her response was HOW DARE YOU go on a trip now. Extremely visceral anger towards my decision. 

Same thing as wanting a car two years earlier than planned due to my cancer battle...she says I am just using cancer as an excuse to get the car earlier. And she def brings up whenever possible the fact she has got no trips lately and I am getting to go away. Almost like she wants to ruin my getaway the best she can.

LOL! Yes cancer has changed many things for me. And one is fully questioning what I want moving fwd from life and a partner.


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## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> My father has been in a battle with cancer for the past 2 years. His wife is very very protective of him... and she wouldn't ever treat him like this. She gets upset that they can't go out of town on a whim (money is short, travelling isn't very easy for him because of the walking), but she's a trooper. I'm not around them 24/7 but he says he doesn't know what he'd do without her and her help. She's been his rock. She complains about things but always says, well it's nothing compared to what your dad is going through.
> 
> Your wife needs to get a grip. Her anger about your trip could be interpreted as wanting to be protective of you, but from all angles she looks like she's just jealous or envious of the attention you demand (not outright demand, but you do require some special attention and it's understandable).



Prior to the cancer, and now, she always says I get everything I want. Which I disagree with somewhat. I spend more money on clothes etc, but she also elected to work 4 days a week for no reason. I buy ipads etc, she gets two vehicles. (they are older so it is not a great cost). So there is a give and take I think.

BUt I forgot to mention my friends took me away on a trip last year just prior to my radiation/chemo starting. Great friends. Really loaded up my batteries ahead of the cancer battle.

She still mentions THAT trip, in that when I decided to go away this year now, she mentioned I already got the trip last year. So she has had no trips (her decision by the way) and I have two. Similar to her car response...well if you want a new car, then I get $20,000 to spend. It seemed like a tit for tat reply. Again, very odd in my mind but maybe I am out to lunch.


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## Emerald

Icing out aka silent treatment is the worst kind of emotional abuse IMO

It's like you don't exist to the person dishing it out. Like you are dead to them. 

At least with yelling, name-calling, anger you exist.

My ex-husband's Mother would give him the silent treatment for days when he was a little boy doing stupid child stuff. As an only child, it was pure torture to be ignored by his Mother.

It created such a "rage" in him that carried into adulthood.

I feel really bad for you OP. I wouldn't stand for it.


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## waiwera

The issue is not the fan.

The issue is that when shes mad she sulks...like a child only it's real ugly when an adult sulks.

Its a power trip for her...she is punishing you AND she only does it to you because she can... because you let her. 

I grew up in a home with a mother who used the silent treatment/sulked/stone walled. It was a hellish at times.

I would read up on it and get some personal/verbal tools to use when she does this... unless of course you want to live like this long term.

The choice is yours...put up with it or change it.

I hope you choose the latter.


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## MattMatt

This might sound weird, but your wife is behaving weirdly...

Is she _*jealous*_ of your cancer? Or let me rephrase that, is she jealous of the fact that you have gotten all that treatment and attention, whilst she got didn't?:scratchhead:


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## nicholascanada

MattMatt said:


> This might sound weird, but your wife is behaving weirdly...
> 
> Is she _*jealous*_ of your cancer? Or let me rephrase that, is she jealous of the fact that you have gotten all that treatment and attention, whilst she got didn't?:scratchhead:


I dont think so. She has depression and definitely gets attention for that. I dont think she would be jealous over that fact but you never know. Interesting take for certain.


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## FalconKing

It sounds to me that your wife is resentful for catering to your needs. I think she'd rather you just cater to hers and you be the caretaker. Maybe some issues of entitlement there or always needing attention maybe:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt

nicholascanada said:


> I dont think so. She has depression and definitely gets attention for that. I dont think she would be jealous over that fact but you never know. Interesting take for certain.


Ah! So your cancer certainly trumped her depression. Some people like being ill as it makes them feel special and empowered.

But if someone else close to them really falls ill (cancer trumps depression) that could make them resentful.

It might even be an unconscious reaction on her part.


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## nicholascanada

FalconKing said:


> It sounds to me that your wife is resentful for catering to your needs. I think she'd rather you just cater to hers and you be the caretaker. Maybe some issues of entitlement there or always needing attention maybe:scratchhead:


I have had a few people on this forum mention the entitlement word.

Specifically on the 4 day week decision. We dont need the money but it would be nice to have. She also worries about money so odd you would then choose to loose income. But her reasoning was she had a hard childhood (from discussions with her family it doesnt sound abnormal at all, and some have said they dont know what she is talking about). 

So based on that hard childhood, she values time to her self and decided she only wanted to work 4 days a week.


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## Advocado

MattMatt said:


> This might sound weird, but your wife is behaving weirdly...
> 
> Is she _*jealous*_ of your cancer? Or let me rephrase that, is she jealous of the fact that you have gotten all that treatment and attention, whilst she got didn't?:scratchhead:


I was thinking along those lines also. I have no idea if the OP's wife has narcissistic tendencies or not (they are expert at silent treatment), but in my experience such people can become jealous and resentful if they perceive someone else is taking attention away from them.


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## Advocado

nicholascanada said:


> Not bad but when things like this happen , when she gets frustrated over my lack of respect, it is complete shutdown.
> 
> Once i waited her out and it was a week!
> 
> I am very sensitive. So when she doesnt talk to me i get really upset. Not angry but stress wise. And after battling cancer for over a year, i know i need to limit my stress for many reasons.
> 
> *I guess i need to just try to let it bounce off me* and let her do her thing...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she can see that you are upset by her silent treatment, believe me, this is fuel to the fire and it will keep happening. As someone said earlier, you need to refrain from playing her game - but that is easier said than done when you you are upset and stressed. 

Thankfully I found ways to deal with silent treatment after many years of putting up with it. The link below is well worth a look - some of these things helped me and there's more besides.


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## John Stiles

Do this : 

Establish once and for all whether or not her depression is affecting her behaviour and making her act that way. 

If it is, fair enough, get her to a counsellor, therapy, whatever it takes and for as long as it takes to sort her out and get her back to normal, or at least better. 

If it's not, ie if she's just being stupid, get rid of her. I'd never tolerate silent treatment, not for 1 minute, let alone 2 days, let alone a week. If any woman living with me gave me the silent treatment I'd escort her outside.


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## Cosmos

nicholascanada said:


> _Not menopause she is 43._ She has been stressed lately and that has affected her sleep. Might not just be heat but that seemed part of the cause for her not sleeping.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At 43 she could be pre-menopausal. At your W's age I had already started with the night sweats etc. But if she's suffering from stress, I guess that could do it, too. At any rate, it's no excuse for giving you the silent treatment for 2 days...


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## Dollystanford

nothing i hate more than a sulker
if you want to say something to me then damn well say it!


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## Needpeace

nicholascanada said:


> *I dont think its chemo brain i just dont think sometimes or forget. Again i dont do it out of spite. Whether its forgetting to open the dishwasher on time, touching the heat without letting her know, or not cleaning my dishes off well enough...she def has to tell me more than once on some things and that seems to wildly frustrate her. *
> 
> I just think the silent treatments seems a bit odd to me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Geesh....one would think looking at the "Big Picture" or in the "Whole Scheme" of things going on in your lives that learning the lesson of "Not Sweating the Small Stuff" would have been learnt. Having a child with cancer ourselves was a huge learning curve, we DON'T sweat the small stuff, like I care that the dishwasher wasn't opened for drying or the toilet seat was left up, pffft.

My first thought was also perimenopausal (currently me), but still not an excuse for the silent treatment, childish PA behaviour, I'd be telling her to speak her mind, or let it go.

or

When my H did this, the best tactic I found was to simply ignore the behaviour & keep on keeping on, I exuded the "Your childish behaviour doesn't bother me vibe", I learnt not to be drawn into it. The more you outwardly show the behaviour bothers you the more it will happen & they have you exactly where they want you. 

Rarely does my H give me the silent treatment anymore, it wasn't benefiting him.


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## diwali123

She is possibly a narcicist and has borderline personality. She sounds like my ex. If something was wrong with me all he cared about was what he was going to lose, what he would have to give up. 
I can't imagine anyone being that uncaring and unloving to someone that they might lose at any time. 
People deal with a spouse's cancer in different ways but this is unhealthy: she needs help. 

People with BPD don't want anyone else to have anything they don't have. They keep score on everything. She also sounds passive aggressive. 
I'm so sorry. I went through pregnancy and birth and extreme fatigue and other issues with someone like that, it was hell. I can't imagine having cancer and having to deal with it. 
She can't take that the attention is off of her. Not just from you but from everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nicholascanada

Yes this is not about menopause I can assure you. This was one example of her silent treatment based on what I think is a small mistake in the grand scheme of things.

She has done this before over the last 5 years and it can be for anything. I just went to finally talk to her and said I am not sure how this silent treatment helps us solve our problems. She sternly replied she has nothing to say to me.

I guess if I cheated on someone I could understand this further. But I said I wouldnt touch the fan, but because she turned it up higher in the night, I turned it back to low because it was cold. I did think at the time oh its 4:30 anyway, she is sleeping well and low would not be an issue.

But whether it is turning the fan down or whatever, her actions speak that I have scorned her like no other. Take cancer out this. That has nothing to do with it in my mind, I dont need breaks or sympathy. Just treat me like a human being. Lets have words and you go away to yourself for a bit, but these multiple days of silent treatment over non life or death issues seems very harsh to me.


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## nicholascanada

LOL! Re: your about me comments, Ok footnote my wife has depression...but...when I received word one night that I was diagnosed with cancer, I spent the next four hours that evening consoling her about her worried about losing me. She never once , nor never to this day, said it was going to be ok. And that night when I needed her the most, after the most devastating news of my life, it still somehow was about her.

Later when I mentioned to her why dont you ever say things are going to be ok with me, like the words my friends and family have conveyed....she replied they are just lying to me. No one knows if I am going to make it, and she said they are just saying that because they feel they have to.


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## Needpeace

MattMatt said:


> This might sound weird, but your wife is behaving weirdly...
> 
> Is she _*jealous*_ of your cancer? Or let me rephrase that, is she jealous of the fact that you have gotten all that treatment and attention, whilst she got didn't?:scratchhead:


This is so sad but true, my older siblings actually were jealous that our child with cancer got more attention than their healthy normal kids, I would have swapped places with them in a heartbeat, we didn't ask or want this type of attention.....I'm guessing had they experienced it, either would they! 

I could actually excuse the many kids who were jealous over the attention but adults should know better.


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## diwali123

Wow. Yes she sounds like a narcicist. I'm sorry. 
I have to say you sound like you have been with her so long you think it's ok for someone to control you to the point where not clearing your plate properly is a major mistake. These things are minor. My spouse and I laugh at each other for forgetting things and just let it go. She sounds very angry and controlling. Have you read "stop walking on eggshells?" 
One time my ex got mad at me because we were eating a roasted chicken that was very tender. He took the leg and about half the meat stayed behind. I happened to take a small piece of that meat and he started a fight over it that resulted in us not speaking for three days. Because I should have known that was his little tidbit of chicken. 
I feel for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needpeace

nicholascanada said:


> LOL! Re: your about me comments, Ok footnote my wife has depression...but...when I received word one night that I was diagnosed with cancer, I spent the next four hours that evening consoling her about her worried about losing me. She never once , nor never to this day, said it was going to be ok. And that night when I needed her the most, after the most devastating news of my life, it still somehow was about her.
> 
> *Later when I mentioned to her why dont you ever say things are going to be ok with me, like the words my friends and family have conveyed....she replied they are just lying to me. No one knows if I am going to make it, and she said they are just saying that because they feel they have to*.


Gee...that's harsh, it's got nothing to do with lying, it's called being supportive & caring, it also helps build your determination to get through this, don't need hope killers.

Yeah sure, anyone with cancer has a question mark lingering, it's unpredictable, but you don't need people bursting your optimistic bubble, such words you can do without. 

Most with cancer don't want sympathy as you mentioned, as our daughter, she hates people "acting weird" if they find out, but concern & understanding in the midst of battle, goes a long way to helping your cause.

You are right in wanting to limit stress, you can do without it, your self absorbed wife should surely realize this, have you discussed this fact with her? Cos she is obviously stressing you out.


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## nicholascanada

In the end yes it is my fault that I have let it go this far I guess.

Have had brief discussions prior, but obviously got nowhere.

If I pushed her on this now, she would say again that she has nothing to say to me. She has done nothing wrong, so why should we talk. I screwed up and it has deeply hurt her. I can assure you the reply would be along these lines. She is SO angry at me that she wants nothing to do with me at that pt in time. She has said that before.


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## Cosmos

nicholascanada said:


> LOL! Re: your about me comments, Ok footnote my wife has depression...but...when I received word one night that I was diagnosed with cancer, I spent the next four hours that evening consoling her about her worried about losing me. She never once , nor never to this day, said it was going to be ok. And that night when I needed her the most, after the most devastating news of my life, it still somehow was about her.
> 
> Later when I mentioned to her why dont you ever say things are going to be ok with me, like the words my friends and family have conveyed....she replied they are just lying to me. No one knows if I am going to make it, and she said they are just saying that because they feel they have to.


OP, your wife's lack of empathy and childish behaviour is the last thing you need right now. You need all the support you can get in order to keep a positive mental attitude to help you beat this illness, and she should be first in line helping you with this - not hindering you.

Somehow, OP, you're going to have to let her know how utterly unacceptable and inappropriate her behaviour is.


----------



## golfergirl

Just wow! My kids stepmom sounds like your wife in an odd way. She has alopecia (sp) with total hair loss. She has a nice wig but when she feels attention isn't enough on her she wears a scarf and pretends she has cancer. Some of the sh!t she's pulling around my son's recovery from a coma is un-fricken-believeable. Passes herself off as his mom when they haven't spoken in 4 years. Changed to scarf for pity when ICU nurses asked her to step back as they felt she was hindering his recovery. You don't deserve that crap even totally healthy. My son is a miracle - going from a 90 percent chance of not waking up to less than 1 percent chance of decent recovery without substantial impairment. He's going home at 98 percent of his pre-accident self. Praying for same type of angels looking out for you. 
PS if you find a penny in an odd place or where there wasn't one before, pick it up. It's my angel's sign.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## waiwera

nicholascanada said:


> In the end yes it is my fault that I have let it go this far I guess.
> 
> Have had brief discussions prior, but obviously got nowhere.
> 
> If I pushed her on this now, she would say again that she has nothing to say to me. She has done nothing wrong, so why should we talk. I screwed up and it has deeply hurt her. I can assure you the reply would be along these lines. She is SO angry at me that she wants nothing to do with me at that pt in time. She has said that before.


I'm sorry but she soooo needs to get over herself. Deeply hurt??? over the fan issue?? Are you kidding me? How can she even keep a straight face... i dunno maybe it doesn't sound so stupid when she standing in front of you. 

Does she make mountains out of molehills often? 

Her total disrespect and contempt ("I have nothing to say to you") is unbelievable. This is NOT how married people are supposed to treat each other. In my world I treat those I love most better than everyone else...not worse.... isn't that how it's mean't to be?

So if it's not menopause... then shes just unkind and unloving whenever (she believes) you put a foot out of place...is that right?

If YOU don't do or say something nothing will change... but you know that already don't you!

PS: there is loads of info online about people who sulk and how to deal with them. You would probably find something that would be helpful and useful.


----------



## sharkeey

Something doesn't make sense here.

Lets take it from the top:

Wife sets the fan on low: 



nicholascanada said:


> She said please don't touch the fan overnight, she was setting it on low.


You woke up at 4am and you see that the fan is set for medium: 



nicholascanada said:


> Stupid me woke up at 4am and realized it


was freezing in our room, and the fan was now on medium

You set it back to low:



nicholascanada said:


> so I turned back to low.


Which is where your wife said SHE put it before she went to sleep.



nicholascanada said:


> Woke up and when questioned admitted I had made a bonehead move by changing the fan, as she ended up having a bad sleep again.


She wakes up finds the fan on low which is where she said she set it, you admit to moving it from medium to low and she has a bad sleep?

She is the one who set the fan to low or at least thought she set it to low if anything she made a mistake and you corrected it for her.

Not seeing why you're getting the backlash here.


----------



## nicholascanada

Not to beat this issue, but she said she was putting it on low and dont touch it. I woke up to find it cold and noticed she moved it to medium. I moved it back to low.



sharkeey said:


> Something doesn't make sense here.
> 
> Lets take it from the top:
> 
> Wife sets the fan on low:
> 
> 
> 
> You woke up at 4am and you see that the fan is set for medium:
> 
> was freezing in our room, and the fan was now on medium
> 
> You set it back to low:
> 
> 
> 
> Which is where your wife said SHE put it before she went to sleep.
> 
> 
> 
> She wakes up finds the fan on low which is where she said she set it, you admit to moving it from medium to low and she has a bad sleep?
> 
> She is the one who set the fan to low or at least thought she set it to low if anything she made a mistake and you corrected it for her.
> 
> Not seeing why you're getting the backlash here.


----------



## sharkeey

The agreement was "fan on low".

She reneged on the deal and put it up to "medium" while you were asleep.

You woke up and understandably moved it back to low as per the agreement.

You have nothing to be sorry about other than being sorry about it.


----------



## nicholascanada

waiwera said:


> I'm sorry but she soooo needs to get over herself. Deeply hurt??? over the fan issue?? Are you kidding me? How can she even keep a straight face... i dunno maybe it doesn't sound so stupid when she standing in front of you.
> 
> Does she make mountains out of molehills often?
> 
> Her total disrespect and contempt ("I have nothing to say to you") is unbelievable. This is NOT how married people are supposed to treat each other. In my world I treat those I love most better than everyone else...not worse.... isn't that how it's mean't to be?
> 
> So if it's not menopause... then shes just unkind and unloving whenever (she believes) you put a foot out of place...is that right?
> 
> If YOU don't do or say something nothing will change... but you know that already don't you!
> 
> PS: there is loads of info online about people who sulk and how to deal with them. You would probably find something that would be helpful and useful.


Yes deeply hurt over the fan and issues before. If I again pushed her now, she would say we've had this issue over heat in the house before. I have messed up before. So two nights ago she told me to not touch the fan, and I did. And therefore what else would you expect other than the silent treatment as I have nothing to say to you.


----------



## Needpeace

nicholascanada said:


> In the end yes it is my fault that I have let it go this far I guess.
> 
> Have had brief discussions prior, but obviously got nowhere.
> 
> If I pushed her on this now, she would say again that she has nothing to say to me. She has done nothing wrong, so why should we talk. I screwed up and it has deeply hurt her. I can assure you the reply would be along these lines. She is SO angry at me that she wants nothing to do with me at that pt in time. She has said that before.


No, no, no....not your fault, takes two to tango!

Very difficult to break through a self absorbing uncommunicative brick.

If these somewhat insignificant issue's deeply hurt her, I would hate to be you if you seriously stepped over the line, maybe a spoonful of cement may help her.

You need to switch off & think of you, outwardly show that her callousness turns you off & when she is ready to talk (if ever) firmly address your concerns.

I wish you well in every way.


----------



## sharkeey

nicholascanada said:


> So two nights ago she told me to not touch the fan, and I did. And therefore what else would you expect other than the silent treatment as I have nothing to say to you.


She told you not to touch the fan after she touched it (and set it to low) and then she touched it again (and set it to medium).

Once she touched it a second time she has broken her end of the bargain.

Why do her fan privileges supercede yours?


----------



## nicholascanada

FYI the time we broke or close to a week of silent treatment..we were travelling and she wanted to go to a landmark in that city. I didnt take it as a do or die thing. She didnt say for example I want to go, lets make sure we do, lets go today. So about 5 days into a 7 day vacation, I went to somewhere I wanted to go. We got back to the hotel and she wasnt talking to me.

I asked her what was up? She said she was so angry we never got to her place today because we were close. I said I am sorry, I didnt realize she wanted to go so much. Lets go tomorrow then. Instead, she said no and stopped talking to me.

We flew home, no talking in the airport and flight home, it was surreal. Then I think at least 4 or 5 days at home without talking. It was unbelievable.

PS And since that time, she never has wanted to discuss my amazing moment on that trip or acknowledge it. One of the coolest things that has ever happened to me, a real treat. I never got to enjoy my moment with her. Very sad.


----------



## nicholascanada

sharkeey said:


> The agreement was "fan on low".
> 
> She reneged on the deal and put it up to "medium" while you were asleep.
> 
> You woke up and understandably moved it back to low as per the agreement.
> 
> You have nothing to be sorry about other than being sorry about it.


Well again not to beat a dead horse, but I agreed not to touch the fan. So she was hot in the night and turned it up to medium. I therefore should NEVER have touched it. That is why silent treatment has been put in place.


----------



## sharkeey

nicholascanada said:


> FYI the time we broke or close to a week of silent treatment..we were travelling and she wanted to go to a landmark in that city. I didnt take it as a do or die thing. She didnt say for example I want to go, lets make sure we do, lets go today. So about 5 days into a 7 day vacation, I went to somewhere I wanted to go. We got back to the hotel and she wasnt talking to me.


This is why itineraries are so vital.


----------



## nicholascanada

sharkeey said:


> She told you not to touch the fan after she touched it (and set it to low) and then she touched it again (and set it to medium).
> 
> Once she touched it a second time she has broken her end of the bargain.
> 
> Why do her fan privileges supercede yours?


Because she has had trouble sleeping the last few days and needed to be cool. I think it goes back to my point a long time ago (lol) that she thinks I get everything. So she maybe feels she has to win some battles.


----------



## sharkeey

nicholascanada said:


> Well again not to beat a dead horse, but I agreed not to touch the fan. So she was hot in the night and turned it up to medium. I therefore should NEVER have touched it. That is why silent treatment has been put in place.


I'd argue that once she touched the fan a second time the agreement was invalid because it was made with the express understanding that the fan would remain in the position it was set when the deal was made.

It's like a guy saying "I'm going to sell you this hamburger for a dollar you can pay me after the meal". You eat the hamburger, give the guy a buck he then says "oh it's two dollars now sorry" and you say "heck no we agreed to a dollar that's all you get" and the guy gets pissed at you for not giving him enough money.

Same difference.


----------



## FalconKing

The fact that you keep defending this says a lot. You sound like one of my best friends. He dates the craziest women and when they behave irrational or threatening to him he rationalizes that it is a product of what he did. So it's his fault. She changed the fan and broke the agreement but you feel you deserved it because you touched the fan. You have enabled this for so long and let her victimize for all this time. If you make any changes it may be a long time before things get better for you. Might as well get started right away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

nicholascanada said:


> Well again not to beat a dead horse, but I agreed not to touch the fan. So she was hot in the night and turned it up to medium. I therefore should NEVER have touched it. That is why silent treatment has been put in place.


I think the important thing regarding the fan is that you woke up and the room was FREEZING. Why should _you_ be forced to sleep in such a cold room? 

I know one thing for sure... If I had a husband who was battling the sort of illness you're battling, it would be all about HIS comfort, not my own. And I _certainly _wouldn't be adding to his problems by giving him the silent treatment like that.


----------



## diwali123

I think you are blaming yourself and buying into her skewed version of reality. She is nuts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

Is she still giving you the treatment today? I'd call her on it if she was. Just tell her point blank...

'I know what you're doing. You've been doing it for years and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. You can continue this childish display of behavior or you can talk with me like an adult, but I will not tolerate these games any longer.'


----------



## nicholascanada

diwali123 said:


> I think you are blaming yourself and buying into her skewed version of reality. She is nuts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. I def have bought into the fact its me that is the problem.

I was thinking more last night that when this has happened before, it has been for similar non extreme events. As one poster asked, I do wonder what would happen if I ever did cheat on her or something drastic.


----------



## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> Is she still giving you the treatment today? I'd call her on it if she was. Just tell her point blank...
> 
> 'I know what you're doing. You've been doing it for years and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. You can continue this childish display of behavior or you can talk with me like an adult, but I will not tolerate these games any longer.'


Yes still happening, although she said a few words to me because she had to ask a question about something.

I think I might rather let this end, THEN confront her. My thought now is to confront will only make things worse. Either way I guess its going to be ugly. She will scream bloody murder she has done nothing wrong. I said I would do something and I didnt. This hurts her immensely. I dont respect her. She was so upset she wanted nothing to do with me for 3 days. Those will be her responses...


----------



## A Bit Much

nicholascanada said:


> Yes still happening, although she said a few words to me because she had to ask a question about something.
> 
> I think I might rather let this end, THEN confront her. My thought now is to confront will only make things worse. Either way I guess its going to be ugly. She will scream bloody murder she has done nothing wrong. I said I would do something and I didnt. This hurts her immensely. I dont respect her. She was so upset she wanted nothing to do with me for 3 days. Those will be her responses...


I think if you wait she'll give you more of the same, this time it'll be a week.

You know her better than I, so handle it how you see fit. She's completely unreasonable in her thinking. The way to get what you want is not to play these games and stonewall you into submission. She has extremely poor conflict resolution skills.


----------



## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> I think if you wait she'll give you more of the same, this time it'll be a week.
> 
> You know her better than I, so handle it how you see fit. She's completely unreasonable in her thinking. The way to get what you want is not to play these games and stonewall you into submission. She has extremely poor conflict resolution skills.


Yes she always has said she does not like conflict. When in a situation with conflict, she just seems to turtle and not let anyone in.


----------



## A Bit Much

What would happen if you suggested counseling? Would you be willing to do this with her?

IDK. With as long as this has gone on, she most likely has too much resentment to truly turn it around. I'd maybe be considering the escape hatch. Again, life is too short for this kind of stress and drama.


----------



## nicholascanada

A Bit Much said:


> What would happen if you suggested counseling? Would you be willing to do this with her?
> 
> IDK. With as long as this has gone on, she most likely has too much resentment to truly turn it around. I'd maybe be considering the escape hatch. Again, life is too short for this kind of stress and drama.


We discussed counselling a few times before. She refused because it would just be me talking about what needs to change in our relationship. She is happy. I actually think counselling would be a great help.

Yes escape hatch is definitely prob my route now, but it scares me. Although living under these conditions cannot be worse than on my own.


----------



## A Bit Much

It scares me when a spouse REFUSES counseling at the request of the other. If my husband thought it would be a good idea (for what ever reasons he presented) I would go. The assumption that there is some alterior motive behind your request designed to benefit you the most in some way is crazy.  Why would you bother wasting your time and trouble going through that to make some point?

Getting out of a bad relationship isn't as scary as you think. When you're in it, you tend not to really grasp how bad things are and have been and how unhealthy it is. Only an objective view can help you... to be objective about it, you need to step out of it and look at it with new eyes. Unless you get professional help to keep it going, I just don't see either of you being happy long term.


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## diwali123

She is being abusive. Like I said my ex would do the same thing. It could be something like the chicken incident or I would say the wrong thing at a restaurant and spend the rest of the meal in silence. 
You might want to read Patricia Evans' books about verbal abuse. 
My ex used to insist that I was being abusive because I didn't think his feelings were important. Because if he decided that me taking a bit of chicken was horrible and worth a three day silent treatment, then I had to respect that. 
Wait. She knows you aren't happy and she doesn't care? Basically she's saying she knows she is wrong and that she doesn't care that she is and doesn't care about your happiness at all. 
I asked my ex to do the emotional needs questionarre with me at the end and he refused because he said he knew he wasn't meeting my needs and he didn't want to talk about it. 

He was a master at skewing reality, and then insisting that I had to be as delusional as he was. It's called gas lighting. 

You seem like a really nice genuine person and deserve better. 
I went through a lot to get away from my ex but I don't regret it for a second. In fact I still have nightmares about fights and the silent treatment and I'm so glad when I wake up and realize I'm not with that crazy selfish bastard anymore. 

When I was with him he always found a way to keep me from getting anything that was just for me or my betterment or health. He always had very rational explanations for it or just refused to do something or would agree to it and then later make my life hell and say he never agreed to it. He would sabotage and have tantrums. 
My gut tells me you are going through something similar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout

You know I'd be tempted to throw it back in her face once she starts to reach out turn it around on her and do the same thing she did for just as many days. Don't talk to her. Go do your own thing it'll drive her nuts. Great opportunity here.

I'm a fan of fighting fire with fire...think it makes a significant point. Sort of full circle if you will.

Use her initial (lame) reaction and choice to YOUR ADVANTAGE.
Great opportunity to teach her a lesson in life... she is not in control.

Then talk it out afterwards. Just say I learned that from YOU.

Everything my wife threw at me verbally she got back later... fire with fire.
We now get along much better...understand each other at a deeper level.


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## waiwera

Nicolas - what about when she is in a good mood...do you two ever discuss her silent treatment of you? Will she admit it's an issue? Thats half your battle I believe. 

In almost everything you will read online it is classed as a form of abuse.
So she is VERY much in the wrong. She is an abuser. I doubt she would believe you if you told her this, it may take a counselor or even maybe something printed off a (reputable) website to convince her... or possibly...she already knows this but wouldn't admit it.

Her silence is evidence of her lack of communication skills and fear of her own anger. She doesn't know how to deal with it but she can definitely be taught how to deal with conflict...lets face it...its part of life. We can't avoid it?

Whatever you do just know she won't change unless SHE HAS TO.

If she will ruin your holiday the way she did or not speak for days on end of this stupid fan issue then she doesn't want to make this better. She likes her power position. I personally doubt you can fix this by being nice and reasonable because she is so dogmatic and unreasonable..

You sound like a very nice gentle man but sometimes in life we have to protect ourselves. Please read up on stone walling and silent treatment. Once you understand whats going on with her it may make it easier to cope with.

Can i ask? Will you stay with her for life even if this doesn't change? I could never understand why my dad put up with my Mums silent treatment and sulking. I couldn't understand why he didn't just get sick of it and force a change.



_If I am not for myself, who will be?

Pirke Arot_


----------



## chillymorn

she sounds like a bi*ch to me.

I'd be out of there! yuck and double yuck!!!


----------



## nicholascanada

Trying2figureitout said:


> You know I'd be tempted to throw it back in her face once she starts to reach out turn it around on her and do the same thing she did for just as many days. Don't talk to her. Go do your own thing it'll drive her nuts. Great opportunity here.
> 
> I'm a fan of fighting fire with fire...think it makes a significant point. Sort of full circle if you will.
> 
> Use her initial (lame) reaction and choice to YOUR ADVANTAGE.
> Great opportunity to teach her a lesson in life... she is not in control.
> 
> Then talk it out afterwards. Just say I learned that from YOU.
> 
> Everything my wife threw at me verbally she got back later... fire with fire.
> We now get along much better...understand each other at a deeper level.


I was thinking of that. I did once before, after a couple of days I got tired and asked when are we going to start communicating again. She said t was me who hadnt been talking. So I could do it again just to prove a point, but probably only result will be an extended time of silent treatment.


----------



## twomistakes

nicholascanada said:


> I was thinking of that. I did once before, after a couple of days I got tired and asked when are we going to start communicating again. *She said t was me who hadnt been talking.*


gaslighting?


----------



## diwali123

If she is borderline personality she thrives on drama, conflict, anger, violence and misery. There is no gray area in anything, you are either wonderful or horrible. It is called splitting when they do this.
Welcome to Oz Guidelines - BPD Central
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123

She said t was me who hadnt been talking.

That's what my ex did too. I don't know if they purposely lie or if they are so borderline delusional that they actually believe it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nicholascanada

diwali123 said:


> She said t was me who hadnt been talking.
> 
> That's what my ex did too. I don't know if they purposely lie or if they are so borderline delusional that they actually believe it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her point at the time was kind of, well yeah I guess I ave not been talking to you, but I was ready or making an attempt lately and it is in fact you who have not been talking to me for the last day or so.


----------



## diwali123

You are deep in her fog of craziness. I used to be as well with my ex. Visit that website I put up and read as much as you can about BPd spouses. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nicholascanada

All of this has also made me aware of how quick to judge she is.

An example lately was taking back a grocery cart. I got 10 ft away from the vehicle during returning the cart, and thought oh I have the key, my wife might want to put the vehicle on for heat or cooling. So I left the cart for two secs and skipped back to the vehicle to give her the key.

Just as I arrived she was already out of the car and WITH TONE, saying my name. And was about to lambaste me for leaving the cart in the middle of the road for 4 secs. I handed her the key and she said, oh, thanks.

When we got home I mentioned to her that this response has to stop. Her response was basically, well you usually are doing something wrong, so I think the worst and judge negatively all the time accordingly. Fun stuff.


----------



## diwali123

Also does she make you feel like you are "less than" most of the time? Obviously everything is your fault in minor matters but what about things like your career?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nicholascanada

diwali123 said:


> Also does she make you feel like you are "less than" most of the time? Obviously everything is your fault in minor matters but what about things like your career?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well career wise I have flourished. And she is happy for me. Although certainly doesnt express it enough for me, similar to other areas that I have posted on before. For example, coming home from a trip of mine on my own, and not asking at all how I enjoyed it or what all happened. Just weird. 

I ask her all the time how things went even if she goes out to a concert with someone as a simple example. BUT I always have to ask her when it relates to ME, so isnt that great for me (re: anything good that happens). Yes thats great she replies. But she nevers says it first. Huge promotion at work, cancer free, dream run in with celebrity, etc etc. Never brings it up first and says, cool, that is so great. I am very happy for you. I always have to fish for my own positive reply from her.


----------



## diwali123

That's because honestly she doesn't really care. I hate to be blunt but her life is just her. It's been 4 years since we split and I am now convinced that he sees other people as means to end. His love is more loving what someone can do for him and how they make him look or feel. I used to tell him I felt like I was just convenient to him, that there was nothing special about me, we just ended up together. He would tell me oh no this isn't convenient for me at all, look at everything I do for you. 
Not "oh I'm so sorry you feel that way, you are so special." 
He was supposedly bereft, crushed, in despair about our marriage ending. Two months later he was sleeping with my best friend and they have been together ever since. 

I don't mean to go on about myself but I'm trying to illustrate how good they are at BSing, and what their love means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much

nicholascanada said:


> Well career wise I have flourished. And she is happy for me. Although certainly doesnt express it enough for me, similar to other areas that I have posted on before. For example, coming home from a trip of mine on my own, and not asking at all how I enjoyed it or what all happened. Just weird.
> 
> I ask her all the time how things went even if she goes out to a concert with someone as a simple example. BUT I always have to ask her when it relates to ME, so isnt that great for me (re: anything good that happens). Yes thats great she replies. But she nevers says it first. Huge promotion at work, cancer free, dream run in with celebrity, etc etc. Never brings it up first and says, cool, that is so great. I am very happy for you. I always have to fish for my own positive reply from her.


Happy Happy Joy Joy.... NOT.

I would have to end this. I can do bad all by myself! What is the point of sharing your life with someone who doesn't bring out the best in you at least 95% of the time? That you love to be around and can't wait to share what went on with you at the end of a day of being apart? What joy is there in a marriage that makes you feel like an option and not a priority?

No way Jose. I wouldn't be able to stand such a hateful person.


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## diwali123

Thing is, they start out appearing normal. Once they have their hooks in you, their real self shows up. I have heard so many stories of BPD spouses' personalities changing on the honeymoon. And then they act evil because they think they got what they want: someone to use. 
When I would start to get to the point where I was making arrangements to leave he would suddenly have an epiphany and start treating me like he used to. It could be a week or a month or a year but the real him always came back. 
In fact I think he wanted us to have a baby so I would be trapped. It backfired. It just made me realize how important my life was and that I wanted better for my daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

Well this has been answered a # of times here... (only read a few replies on 1st page so conversation has likely progressed past me ).....

It may be normal behavior for SOME marriages, but one thing is it NOT in any .... is healthy behavior.... this is passive aggressiveness at it's finest....a real hindrance to effective communication & happiness in any marriage. 

Good article here >> Get Your ANGRIES Out



> Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.
> 
> Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed


Good article on How to resolve conflict.... this is the sort of stuff you learn in counseling >>>

Imagine Hope Counseling Group - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE


----------



## Mrs B

To put it bluntly?


She is an arsehole and you need to see it for what it is instead of defending her disgusting behaviour.

I feel sorry for you. She sounds cold (no pun intended) and selfish and you deserve more.


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## nicholascanada

Mrs B said:


> To put it bluntly?
> 
> 
> She is an arsehole and you need to see it for what it is instead of defending her disgusting behaviour.
> 
> I feel sorry for you. She sounds cold (no pun intended) and selfish and you deserve more.


Yes I guess when you are in this, you really start thinking it is you. And therefore you are apt to defend the other person. I actually thought when I posted this discussion, it would be maybe 50/50 for and against. It has been pretty much 100% against her.

People have responded on other posts of mine that sometimes you should put all your efforts into your current relationship before running. That if you want a certain response, that you should work on changing your behavior to get that. But I guess in this situation, there is not much to do.


----------



## Advocado

nicholascanada

I really do feel for you - dealing with silent treatment emotional abuse from a narcissist and battling cancer is an awful position to be in.

Reading your thread reminds me of the day my terminally ill father finally asked me to intervene on his behalf as he had endured a long period of silent treatment from my mother and just could not endure it any longer. It really wasn’t easy for him to ask me to help with that situation but he just wasn’t strong enough to endure it the way he had done over the past 50+ years of their marriage. I had to phone my mother and literally beg her to start speaking to him again. 

I feel so sad when I think about what my father went through and I would hate for anyone to have to be in his position.


----------



## Advocado

Anyone who doesn’t want to wind up in my Dad’s position further down the line (and this could happen to anybody married to a habitual silent treatment abuser) please now seriously consider doing the following whenever faced with silent treatment.

Be seen to go about your usual day to day activities in an upbeat fashion and under no circumstances let her see you affected negatively by her silence. 

Force yourself to whistle, sing, smile as you go about whatever it is you are doing. 

Do stuff that up-lifts you mood – e.g. watch your favourite comedy show and laugh out loud (no need to laugh louder or longer than you usually do – just be yourself) or exercise, or listen to your favourite CD, sing along, tap your fingers to the beat. Do whatever you enjoy and let her see that you are enjoying it. 

Basically allow yourself to enjoy life despite the fact that she is not speaking to you. It might feel really false and strange to begin with but with me, after a time, I began to realise that I genuinely did feel happier . I was no longer pretending to be upbeat. (I never actually knew I could be cheerful when my spouse was not speaking to me and what’s more, nor did he.)

Formerly, I was always trying to work out what I did that was so wrong (it was always over petty stuff much like the incident you have described). I would always be walking on egg shells trying to appease my spouse or alternatively I would get angry or sulk or stop speaking to him also and try and get my own back. This never ever worked. 

I also tried talking things through with my H when we were back on speaking terms – taking time to explain how unbearable I found it when we were not speaking and could be find other ways to deal with any issues that arise. At the end of such conversations I would feel sure that next time there was some petty issue, things would be different and not descend into weeks of us not speaking, but this never worked either. 

Now I realise that begging my spouse to speak to me was not only counterproductive, but I was mistakenly giving him the fix he needed to continue the cycle of silent treatment. When I begged him not do it coz I it made me feel stressed, isolated, upset, small, insignificant, unworthy and the rest, I was simply confirming to him that he could control my emotions and he would do it all over again the next time. 

If you now resolve to stop feeding your wife’s “habit” she will eventually change her behaviour as she will no longer be getting her fix. Of course, things won’t change overnight but if you are persistent in taking ownership of your own happiness and are ever upbeat in the face of her silent treatment, over time I’m certain you will find her episodes of silent treatment will be less frequent, and the duration of each episode will be shorter too. 

I am living proof this can help your relationship. Although my H is not a narcissist, I still think that you should try the above with your wife. You deserve better – PLEASE don’t take any more of her chit.

Remember, each and every time she can see that you are negatively affected by her not talking to you, it gives her immense (hidden) satisfaction and the feeling of control.


----------



## DiZ

nicholascanada said:


> UPDATE: 3 days now!!
> 
> Hey just looking for some insight on whether my situation is "normal".
> 
> Two nights ago my wife needed the fan on for sleeping. She had a couple of bad nights sleeping due to being to hot.
> 
> She said please don't touch the fan overnight, she was setting it on low. Stupid me woke up at 4am and realized it was freezing in our room, and the fan was now on medium, so I turned back to low.
> 
> Woke up and when questioned admitted I had made a bonehead move by changing the fan, as she ended up having a bad sleep again.
> 
> She now has not talked to me for two days. I have never had this happen in a relationship, so just wondering if this is something "normal"? I realize I made a stupid move, but not talking for two days makes it hard to move from that spot.
> 
> Thanks for your time, I greatly appreciate it.


She must be going through menopause? I am and it isn't pretty! LOL

That aside, I think not talking to you for two days is a total over-reaction. Like you said it's hard to move forward if she won't talk to you.


----------



## DiZ

Advocado said:


> nicholascanada
> 
> I really do feel for you - dealing with silent treatment emotional abuse from a narcissist and battling cancer is an awful position to be in.
> 
> Reading your thread reminds me of the day my terminally ill father finally asked me to intervene on his behalf as he had endured a long period of silent treatment from my mother and just could not endure it any longer. It really wasn’t easy for him to ask me to help with that situation but he just wasn’t strong enough to endure it the way he had done over the past 50+ years of their marriage. I had to phone my mother and literally beg her to start speaking to him again.
> 
> 
> That must of been so hard and hurtful for you.
> 
> You are right, the silent treatment is a form of abuse and control.
> 
> I feel so sad when I think about what my father went through and I would hate for anyone to have to be in his position.


----------



## nicholascanada

Quote: "Now I realise that begging my spouse to speak to me was not only counterproductive, but I was mistakenly giving him the fix he needed to continue the cycle of silent treatment. When I begged him not do it coz I it made me feel stressed, isolated, upset, small, insignificant, unworthy and the rest, I was simply confirming to him that he could control my emotions and he would do it all over again the next time. "

I think this is such a great point! Even if you whistle and enjoy yourself while they don't talk to you, if you go to them after and say this has to stop because it stresses me out etc, you are playing your cards that they are achieving exactly what they want. 

My stalemate finally ended last night when I asked when are we going to communicate again. She then started to talk, but nothing about the incident. I still cannot believe I spent 3 days in silence over such a trivial issue. It is madness.


----------



## A Bit Much

> My stalemate finally ended last night when I asked when are we going to communicate again. *She then started to talk, but nothing about the incident*. I still cannot believe I spent 3 days in silence over such a trivial issue. It is madness.


You didn't want to stir the pot I suppose. This rugsweeping has got to stop too. She does it and you accept it. :scratchhead:


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## diwali123

Yes it is madness. I think you need to insist on MC and tell her you are wondering how long you can stay if she isn't willing to work on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123

Mine did that too, when he was done punishing me he was done and life was supposed to go on like nothing happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Advocado

nicholascanada said:


> My stalemate finally ended last night when I asked when are we going to communicate again. *She then started to talk, but nothing about the incident. *I still cannot believe I spent 3 days in silence over such a trivial issue. It is madness.


I am pleased to hear your stalemate is finally over. However, I think *it's important you do raise the issue*. But talk about the incident only and NOT about the silent treatment she gave you because of the incident. 

So, how do you feel about telling her that you feel she grossly over-reacted and that you hope this won't happen again in the future. 

If you are thinking that by bringing this up she will revert to not speaking to you again - then great, coz her not speaking to you at this point will give you the perfect opportunity to put the methods suggested above into operation whilst they are still very fresh in your mind. 

Or maybe you are thinking that it might start an argument. Well better to have an argument and get things out into the open, clear the air and move on I would say.

Shelving/avoiding talking about this incident will only build up resentment on your part. As for her, it lets her off the hook and she can get away with treating you unjustly. 

When I say you should raise the issue I do *not *mean you have to insist on an explanation or an apology from her. Just tell you felt it was unreasonable for her to get irate over the fan being adjusted and you trust that that sort of petty issue will not recurr. If she makes no response or just changes the subject then that's fine - so long as you've made your point. Of course it's good if she acknowledges what you say but if she doesn't that's fine too because, of itself, it's a petty issue. 

Just please don't allow her to bully you into not referrering to an incident if you want to. You need not dread the next bout of silent treatment when you know you can deal with it effectively as described in my earlier post and the link below. 

And yeah - never "feed" a silent treatment monster by telling them how bad this treatment makes you feel. Unwittingly, I did this time and time again!


----------



## MarriedTex

Now that you are talking again, it's time to have a real talk. What you say will depend on how serious you are and how extreme you want to set the consequences if she violates your boundaries. With all due respects to Avacado, the fan incident is water under the bridge. Let it go. Rather, you want to focus on re-setting what is acceptable and unacceptable in your arguments moving forward. You WANT to talk about the silent treatment, its impact and how your response to the silent treatment will change from here on out. 

You have to set the condition that the silent treatment is counter-productive, makes you see her in a less-positive light and is deterimental to your relationship. You recognize that old behavior patterns are hard to break, but this pattern is unacceptable.

Next time she goes into silent treatment mode, tell her exactly what will happen. You will ask her once - and only once - what the problem is. She can choose to tell her your issues or not. If the silent treatment lasts more than one day, you are leaving the house for (hotel, friend's house, parent's house, whatever). It will be her responsibility to re-initiate contact.

You are more than happy to talk out issues when she is upset. But, if this is issue for you (as it should be), you need to be ready to drop the nuke when it happens again. 

One thing is: you have to mean it. You can't set boundaries and then not enforce consequences once the boundaries are violated. So establish your consequences wisely, identifying a result that you can live with. 

Right now, you are only training her to think that her behavior works and allows her to get what she wants. You have to work hard to change this outlook borne of years of how your relationship has worked in the past.


----------



## diwali123

Yes she gives you the silent treatment to get a reaction. If she doesn't have her audience it doesn't work. I highly suggest IC for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Needpeace

nicholascanada said:


> My stalemate finally ended last night when *I asked when are we going to communicate again.* She then started to talk, but nothing about the incident. I still cannot believe I spent 3 days in silence over such a trivial issue. It is madness.


Don't *ask* her, you are empowering her, this relays & allows her to remain in control of the situation.

I'm happy your wife has begun communicating once again, operative words *"once again"*, this won't be the last time unless you firmly (ultimatum style) read her the riot act & lay down the law, then stick to it, scare the begeebes out of her because she will do it again even after the riot act is read, she will test the waters just to see if you follow through, and you must coz if you don't you'll be living with the silent treatment for the term of your relationship.

If you love her sometimes we have to revert to hard love.


----------



## nicholascanada

diwali123 said:


> Mine did that too, when he was done punishing me he was done and life was supposed to go on like nothing happened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes its hilarious. Visceral anger over this, dont talk to me for 3 days, then suddenly we're back to how should we cook thechicken tonight? Jekkyl and Hyde like.


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## nicholascanada

Needpeace said:


> Don't *ask* her, you are empowering her, this relays & allows her to remain in control of the situation.
> 
> I'm happy your wife has begun communicating once again, operative words *"once again"*, this won't be the last time unless you firmly (ultimatum style) read her the riot act & lay down the law, then stick to it, scare the begeebes out of her because she will do it again even after the riot act is read, she will test the waters just to see if you follow through, and you must coz if you don't you'll be living with the silent treatment for the term of your relationship.
> 
> If you love her sometimes we have to revert to hard love.


I agree i think its hard love time. I so wish she would go to counselling. I just cannot for the life of me understand why you wouldnt if i am willing and asking her because i think it would help us. Maybe she is afraid of being called out for the sham she is runing.


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## nicholascanada

I think i might try to discuss tomorrow. Dont want to yet as she is still not warm and fuzzy by any means.

Once before i gave her a bit of an ultimatum, and she got her back WAY up. And i backed down. So it seems to come back to me letting this continue. 

Part of me also just doesnt have the energy right now for this, or really is hopeful for our future. I did not have the support i needed through my cancer treatment, in fact **** like this, which was not at all what i needed. That is going to be hard to leave behind.

I have this trip comng up, to celebrate and give me something uplifting after my last 15 months of hell. As mentioned she only has said oh you get a trip and i havent for ayear. Amazing. And when i leave thatday, wouldnt you think your spous would say something like , i know you ve been through hell and i hope this trip helps you in some way. But i will guarandamntee you that she will struggle to get out the words have a good time. And i bet the farm she will still get in one last dig that i wish i was coming, even though i pleaded for her to go. To me that isnjust SO far away from what your partner should be to you. It makes me sad.


----------



## waiwera

nicholascanada said:


> I so wish she would go to counselling. I just cannot for the life of me understand why you wouldnt if i am willing and asking her because i think it would help us. Maybe she is afraid of being called out for the sham she is runing.


YES! This is it!!

She KNOWS her behavior is out of line and she KNOWS a counselor will pull her up on it.


----------



## Needpeace

nicholascanada said:


> I think i might try to discuss tomorrow. *Dont want to yet as she is still not warm and fuzzy by any means.*
> *Once before i gave her a bit of an ultimatum, and she got her back WAY up. And i backed down. So it seems to come back to me letting this continue.*
> 
> *Part of me also just doesnt have the energy right now for this,* or really is hopeful for our future. I did not have the support i needed through my cancer treatment, in fact **** like this, which was not at all what i needed. That is going to be hard to leave behind.
> 
> *I have this trip comng up, to celebrate and give me something uplifting after my last 15 months of hell.* As mentioned she only has said oh you get a trip and i havent for ayear. Amazing. And when i leave thatday, wouldnt you think your spous would say something like , i know you ve been through hell and i hope this trip helps you in some way. But i will guarandamntee you that she will struggle to get out the words have a good time. And i bet the farm she will still get in one last dig that i wish i was coming, even though i pleaded for her to go. To me that isnjust SO far away from what your partner should be to you. It makes me sad.


It's up to you when you approach this issue, but warm & fuzzy or not she's not going to like what she hears & if she reacts explosively when your addressing your concerns as said, she's going to go off like an atomic bomb either way, don't be blown away, stand your ground.

I can relate to your energy factor, after your emotional roller coaster you just want to breathe deep & have some peace. After 4 years of chemo everyday with our little girl, living in hospitals, trying to keep our family together, financial/emotional struggles, the last issue I wanted to address was my H's passively detached head buried denial drinking with the alcholic bachelor neighbour depression issue's, my supposed rock had sunk leaving me to soley man the ship, very lonely time, hence my user name! It took me another 3 years to regain my strength after all the trauma to finally say "Right, now is the time to do it, it's now or never". I put in place some harsh boundaries, he tested them, I left for 2 weeks, zero contact, I made him grovel for forgiveness (I hated doing it, but I had too) Upon return he knew to abide by the rules or it was OVER! Best thing I ever did & am happier more than ever, he has really stepped up & love is growing again. 8 years down the track now, our daughter is still not well with overnight 3 mthly hospital visits but he is supportive & caring, if he begins to slip he knows he needs to readjust & he does, thank fvck! After 27 years of marriage, life is brighter than ever, we have both grown wiser.

You go on your trip, leaving your self centred wife in your wake, have the relaxing carefree adventure you are deserving of, don't allow her to ruin this for you. Ignore her claims of neglect if she pulls it on you, funny how she turns her neglect on you, but yet so typical of this type of personality, poor victim her.

You should be happy in remission not being dragged down into depression, I can sense your sad weary tone, chin up, you can also get through this latest challenge one way or another & address this in *your* time on *your* terms.

Until such time, don't feed her, get on with your life & outwardly display her antic's don't affect you.


----------



## Needpeace

waiwera said:


> YES! This is it!!
> 
> She KNOWS her behavior is out of line and she KNOWS a counselor will pull her up on it.


:iagree: Exactly the reason my H wouldn't entertain the idea as well!


----------



## 4ever?

I have not read all of the posts, however, my wife does the same. The "best" silent treatment I have had lasted just short of two weeks. Admittedly I probably deserved some sort of "punishment". I find it hard to deal with since I am the sort of person that wants to "air" things out and then make up. I have taught myself to "enjoy" the silence and not worry about it. When my wife deems that I have been punished enough she will talk to me. My situation is a bit unique in that I work away ie three weeks at work and then three weeks at home, if I have an ""issue" that needs raising I bring it up a day or two before I leave for work. If she then deems that I deserve the "silent" treatment, it does not matter to me cause I am away. I do, however, find it very frustrating and childish.


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## nicholascanada

Needpeace said:


> :iagree: Exactly the reason my H wouldn't entertain the idea as well!


Or i guess she could just try to avoid conflict so much that going to a counsellor would be too much for her. But as someone else said recently, conflict is part of life and you have to learn how to deal with it..properly.


----------



## Needpeace

nicholascanada said:


> Or i guess she could just try to avoid conflict so much that going to a counsellor would be too much for her. But as someone else said recently, conflict is part of life and you have to learn how to deal with it..properly.


Yes maybe, but their ego's are also fragile, having to reveal their inner thoughts (which they also don't like doing) & feelings, can bring about criticism & the slightest critique is veiwed as personal attacks & feel vitimised. They never internalize, everything is externalized, everything else is to blame except themselves never accepting responsibility for their actions or lack of, they live in denial. Therefore why would they see a councillor & bring this unwanted attention upon themselves, in their mind it's best for them to totally ignore ANY problems.

But in reality the only way past these problems is acknowledgment, only then can issue's be solved.


----------



## ivory711

nicholascanada said:


> Not menopause she is 43. She has been stressed lately and that has affected her sleep. Might not just be heat but that seemed part of the cause for her not sleeping.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nicholascanada

Well another bad argument over not much today.

Back to the heat issue. She wanted to turn the heat down 2 hrs earlier at night. I started to say ok, can we discuss. What about something in the middle. She then got very angry and said she always has to fight for everything. I know she has sleep issues over heat, but i was only trying to have a discussion first.

So we had no discussion. She stormed off and i followed. I said i am not against her. She said she feels i am. 

I just again am confused why a couple cant have a dicussion about something so trivial. I realize she has sleep issues. I also like to not be frozen. So lets discuss and find a happy medium. Itndef makes it hard when someone gets their back up and gets so angry quickly.


----------



## oldgeezer

nicholascanada said:


> UPDATE: 3 days now!!
> 
> Hey just looking for some insight on whether my situation is "normal".
> 
> Two nights ago my wife needed the fan on for sleeping. She had a couple of bad nights sleeping due to being to hot.
> 
> She said please don't touch the fan overnight, she was setting it on low. Stupid me woke up at 4am and realized it was freezing in our room, and the fan was now on medium, so I turned back to low.
> 
> Woke up and when questioned admitted I had made a bonehead move by changing the fan, as she ended up having a bad sleep again.
> 
> She now has not talked to me for two days. I have never had this happen in a relationship, so just wondering if this is something "normal"? I realize I made a stupid move, but not talking for two days makes it hard to move from that spot.
> 
> Thanks for your time, I greatly appreciate it.


There's two people in this relationship who need to realize that your wife is not a god who can issue divine decrees that you cannot disobey. 

Ok, seriously now: The idea that she's not speaking to you over you adjusting the fan speed when the circumstances change is fully over the top. Either there is a history that suggests her behavior is really this irrational and psychotic... or you've grown accustomed to it and this is a straw that broke the camel's back. 

OR, and here's a more likely scenario, there's some actual issue that she isn't talking about and the fan is the pretext for it. I discovered that when my wife acted this way, it was always to cover something SHE did that was inexcusable, and this was how she diverted my attention and tried to tell herself something was my fault. 

This is going to need communication and lots of it. And her not talking to you is a big impediment, but somewhere there must be some trigger that will make her want to get whatever it is out in the open. 

I wish you well.


----------



## Needpeace

nicholascanada said:


> Well another bad argument over not much today.
> 
> Back to the heat issue. She wanted to turn the heat down 2 hrs earlier at night. I started to say ok, can we discuss. What about something in the middle. She then got very angry and said she always has to fight for everything. I know she has sleep issues over heat, but i was only trying to have a discussion first.
> 
> So we had no discussion. *She stormed off and i followed. I said i am not against her. She said she feels i am.*
> 
> I just again am confused why a couple cant have a dicussion about something so trivial. I realize she has sleep issues. I also like to not be frozen. So lets discuss and find a happy medium. *Itndef makes it hard when someone gets their back up and gets so angry quickly*.


Don't fall for her "I feel victimised" act, boo hoo!

I think she's loaded with resentment because of all the attention you took away from her with your illness, hence her childish unreasonable behaviour flying off the handle over the simplest of solvable issue's, there is definitely an underlying factor driving her anger towards you.

And even harder when they walk away leaving you talking to the wall, classic PA or some form of PD behaviour.

Remember to *enjoy* her silent treatment this time.


----------



## MEM2020

Nich,
Is money tight? Or do you both have retirement accounts and savings and paying down a house and own your cars out right?

Who is the primary breadwinner?



nicholascanada said:


> No I def asked her to come, go out the week before I head out with my friend. Recently I actually begged her to come as I said it would be great for her and I after all we have been through. She said no again. Which I respect..maybe dont fully understand, but respect. Funny, we had this discussion with this trip and a new car for me. Both due to cancer and my thoughts changing on things. Somebody in this forum said at the time, I will never forget, that their reaction to the trip would have been "Wonderful, you need this. Or, hey thats great, what about me coming along. OR, let me book the trip right now for you" But her response was HOW DARE YOU go on a trip now. Extremely visceral anger towards my decision.
> 
> Same thing as wanting a car two years earlier than planned due to my cancer battle...she says I am just using cancer as an excuse to get the car earlier. And she def brings up whenever possible the fact she has got no trips lately and I am getting to go away. Almost like she wants to ruin my getaway the best she can.
> 
> LOL! Yes cancer has changed many things for me. And one is fully questioning what I want moving fwd from life and a partner.


----------



## MEM2020

I am confused. Why don't you dress more warmly for bed. 

The cold person (and in my house that is always me) can easily put more clothes on. The hot person - your W, my W, all the other women in menopause - have no easy fix like putting on more clothes. 

This is an area where it is not a level playing field and should not be treated as one. 




nicholascanada said:


> Yes deeply hurt over the fan and issues before. If I again pushed her now, she would say we've had this issue over heat in the house before. I have messed up before. So two nights ago she told me to not touch the fan, and I did. And therefore what else would you expect other than the silent treatment as I have nothing to say to you.


----------



## Cosmos

diwali123 said:


> She is being abusive. Like I said my ex would do the same thing. It could be something like the chicken incident or I would say the wrong thing at a restaurant and spend the rest of the meal in silence.
> You might want to read Patricia Evans' books about verbal abuse.
> My ex used to insist that I was being abusive because I didn't think his feelings were important. Because if he decided that me taking a bit of chicken was horrible and worth a three day silent treatment, then I had to respect that.
> Wait. She knows you aren't happy and she doesn't care? Basically she's saying she knows she is wrong and that she doesn't care that she is and doesn't care about your happiness at all.
> I asked my ex to do the emotional needs questionarre with me at the end and he refused because he said he knew he wasn't meeting my needs and he didn't want to talk about it.
> 
> He was a master at skewing reality, and then insisting that I had to be as delusional as he was. It's called gas lighting.
> 
> You seem like a really nice genuine person and deserve better.
> I went through a lot to get away from my ex but I don't regret it for a second. In fact I still have nightmares about fights and the silent treatment and I'm so glad when I wake up and realize I'm not with that crazy selfish bastard anymore.
> 
> When I was with him he always found a way to keep me from getting anything that was just for me or my betterment or health. He always had very rational explanations for it or just refused to do something or would agree to it and then later make my life hell and say he never agreed to it. He would sabotage and have tantrums.
> My gut tells me you are going through something similar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can identify with this. My abusive ex gave me the silent treatment because I needed to occasionally use a nebulizer during the night when I had a bad respiratory virus (I'm asthmatic). His compromise was to 'let' me use it, providing I didn't use my bedside lamp. Nothing like feeling you're suffocating in the dark...

The OP's wife expecting him to sleep in an uncomfortably cold room, particularly with his illness, is abusive. IMO, his W needs to get her hormones levels checked and they need to go for counseling.


----------



## ivory711

you poor thing!!

I feel so bad for you. I know how this is making you feel. your wife is acting like a child who pouts when they don't get their way.

have you tried telling her how this makes you feel? she has to know that the way that she's acting doesn't solve the problem. She emotionally checks out and that can cause major issues in your marriage. i know this for a fact because my husband use to do the same thing. He finally changed after many conversation of me telling him that it was driving a wedge between us, me printing out various articles about "your spouse emotionally checking out" and me finally blowing up and telling him that i've had enough of this and basically ready to end the marriage.

i really hope that you guys can work this out because it will only get worse.

good luck!!!


----------



## Needpeace

MEM11363 said:


> I am confused. Why don't you dress more warmly for bed.
> 
> The cold person (and in my house that is always me) can easily put more clothes on. The hot person - your W, my W, all the other women in menopause - have no easy fix like putting on more clothes.
> 
> *This is an area where it is not a level playing field and should not be treated as one*.


This would be fair comment if OP's wife has shared she could be perimenopausal, but this is not the case, if she has a medical condition she needs to face it, deal with it & communicate it.

Menopause is not a free ticket for abusive unreasonable outbursts to a bewildered H, especially if one is not willing to help oneself. 

I would say if he were to suggest she is possibly menopausal it would propably go down like a lead balloon, similar to when some men blame a wifes bad reaction on her monthly's, I suppose he could try & suffer the consequences.


----------



## Cosmos

Needpeace said:


> This would be fair comment if OP's wife has shared she could be perimenopausal, but this is not the case, if she has a medical condition she needs to face it, deal with it & communicate it.
> 
> Menopause is not a free ticket for abusive unreasonable outbursts to a bewildered H, especially if one is not willing to help oneself.
> 
> I would say if he were to suggest she is possibly menopausal it would propably go down like a lead balloon, similar to when some men blame a wifes bad reaction on her monthly's, I suppose he could try & suffer the consequences.


The OP was asked if she is menopausal, and he said she isn't. Those sort of heat problems, though, remind me of a time when I thought I wasn't menopausal, but certainly was!


----------



## Needpeace

Cosmos said:


> The OP was asked if she is menopausal, and he said she isn't. Those sort of heat problems, though, remind me of a time when I thought I wasn't menopausal, but certainly was!


I agree & is exactly my point, if OP's wife is menopausal she needs to address it, I'm also no stranger to the crappy symptoms of menopause at 50, blahhh, but I recognised this straight away, there is no need to suffer through these days & can relatively control symptoms until it's run it's course.


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## Cosmos

Needpeace said:


> I agree & is exactly my point, if OP's wife is menopausal she needs to address it, I'm also no stranger to the crappy symptoms of menopause at 50, blahhh, but I recognised this straight away, there is no need to suffer through these days & can relatively control symptoms until it's run it's course.


I also remember being pretty erratic during that time. HRT was my saviour


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## nicholascanada

MEM11363 said:


> I am confused. Why don't you dress more warmly for bed.
> 
> The cold person (and in my house that is always me) can easily put more clothes on. The hot person - your W, my W, all the other women in menopause - have no easy fix like putting on more clothes.
> 
> This is an area where it is not a level playing field and should not be treated as one.


I am very aware of this. However, when you are skin and bones after cancer, you get cold!! Lol. Somwhen i woke up cold in this example, i had two shirts, pants, and a thick polyester robe on! Cant do much more that that.


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## nicholascanada

MEM11363 said:


> Nich,
> Is money tight? Or do you both have retirement accounts and savings and paying down a house and own your cars out right?
> 
> Who is the primary breadwinner?


No money is fine. We are financially very well. 

I am as i make 3 times what my wife does.


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## nicholascanada

Cosmos said:


> I also remember being pretty erratic during that time. HRT was my saviour


Again confident this not menopause as per my wife. Also stuff like this has happened before, and had nothing to do with heat. This was just latest example.


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## Cdelta02

Why are you waiting for her to calm down to have your talk? Wont she immediately go into a new huff mode the minute you bring this up, even if she was calm earlier?

Stop trying to find the perfect time. It doesnt exist. 

Sit her down and tell her exactly what you are feeling and that she needs to go to MC and IC. She is going to give you the silent treatment anyway, might as well use it to make all your points. Remember to reiterate that her behavior is atrocious and you will not take it any longer. Use active speech and not passive speech. For instance, say "I will not tolerate this going forward" rather than saying "this can't go on any longer". Stand up to her. Show her that you can be strong when it matters.

Also I would suggest writing down said points beforehand and giving her a copy. This is required since while going into silent mode, she may also go into "not listening" mode. Keep more copies handy. You may need to have this conversation 3-4 times to make all points stick. 

Go ahead and book the IC and MC. Tell her that is the base requirement for M to continue. Dont worry what her reaction will be. Be tough. She needs tough love. 

Remember, if none of this work, then you at least tried your best. You can move on without a guilty conscience.


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## nicholascanada

Well I finally did sit down and tell my wife that her behaviour was unacceptable. Her response, well she said the reason she didnt talk to me for days was she needed the time to process.

Interesting. Anyway, I told her that this was not going to work and we needed to work through things. She agreed, and although twice since she has tried to retreat after a conflict, I both times have pushed hard back and not let her. Such fun stuff.


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## nicholascanada

waiwera said:


> Nicolas - what about when she is in a good mood...do you two ever discuss her silent treatment of you? Will she admit it's an issue? Thats half your battle I believe.
> 
> In almost everything you will read online it is classed as a form of abuse.
> So she is VERY much in the wrong. She is an abuser. I doubt she would believe you if you told her this, it may take a counselor or even maybe something printed off a (reputable) website to convince her... or possibly...she already knows this but wouldn't admit it.
> 
> Her silence is evidence of her lack of communication skills and fear of her own anger. She doesn't know how to deal with it but she can definitely be taught how to deal with conflict...lets face it...its part of life. We can't avoid it?
> 
> Whatever you do just know she won't change unless SHE HAS TO.
> 
> If she will ruin your holiday the way she did or not speak for days on end of this stupid fan issue then she doesn't want to make this better. She likes her power position. I personally doubt you can fix this by being nice and reasonable because she is so dogmatic and unreasonable..
> 
> You sound like a very nice gentle man but sometimes in life we have to protect ourselves. Please read up on stone walling and silent treatment. Once you understand whats going on with her it may make it easier to cope with.
> 
> Can i ask? Will you stay with her for life even if this doesn't change? I could never understand why my dad put up with my Mums silent treatment and sulking. I couldn't understand why he didn't just get sick of it and force a change.
> 
> 
> 
> _If I am not for myself, who will be?
> 
> Pirke Arot_


Its funny, after this I also talked to my psychiatrist. I ran this silent treatment passed them. They, like everyone here, were completely to the point that this was NOT acceptable behaviour. It was a complete lack of social skills on how to deal with conflict, most likely starting in their early years as a form of coping.

Funny x 2, my wife always speaks to how hard her life was growing up, how easy I had it. She apparently was treated terribly by her father. Not surprisingly, she has a terrible relationship with MY dad. Odd though, when I talk to her siblings, they have no idea what she is talking about. They have a much different view of growing up, and seem to think she is out to lunch on her views. She is extremely sensitive, and I think grew up without any coping mechanisms. She clashed with her dad and he became the devil. She shutdown. When we met 10yrs ago she would barely talk to him. It was really awkward when we would be at family get togethers. She almost never went to his funeral 5 years ago. The more I put all of this together I see nothing but hell in my future with her. Yet I still cant get off the fence to leave. Stupid me.


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## Cdelta02

sexual abuse?


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## diwali123

Sounds like he sexually abused her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nicholascanada

diwali123 said:


> Sounds like he sexually abused her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No we had that discussion, not the case.

She is just sooooooo sensitive it is beyond belief. So when someone shoots her down, treats her bad, etc., she takes it to heart like i cannot put in words. 

Case in pt recently her brother was visiting from afar with his new baby. She went over there and made an odd comment about baby handling. Her brother gave her a weird look. She took this as so demeaning ( it really was over nothing in my mind) that she never visited again for the week he was here. He came back again recently and wanted family dinner at 7pm. My wife is trying to stick to 6pm dinners to help in her sleep and return to work. She said no to the family dinner. Partly because of how he reacted before. 

My dad once slightly got annoyed with her not listening to him when he was trying to do some renos for us. She stormed off, and she has written him off ever since. She doesnt seem to have coping/conflict resolution etc in her genes. Its quite odd. So no wonder when we have it out, her main recourse is to stop talking to me. And never agree to counselling. I agree with others here, i think if we went to counselling, she would be called out on the carpet 10x over during our sessions. I dont think i am an unreasonable person, nor a bear to live with. I have so much love to give, but feel she is not the one for it anymore. Her actions over the last 12 months of my cancer journey have said a lot. I know some on here have said people are stresses out during these life events, and not to be quick to judge. 

But i also think it brings out the best or worst in people. And she has not stepped up. I was ready to leave before my cancer diagnosis, now i am trying to find a reason to stay after her lack of support during the last yr. i mean she still has to keep reminding me i have had two trips in the last yr and her none. (My first trip was my friends taking me away prior to chemo starting, my last trip celebrating my cancer journey being done). But i have hounded her to go away, or go with her sister somewhere. But she never wanted to for various reasons. Fine, just please dont keep rubbing my trips in my face. 

And when i again broached the topic of a new car, ahead of sched because i dont want to wait anymore after my cancer as my perspectives have changed on life...well this time she actually said she thought i was being a bit whoas me about my cancer and using it for this car argument. Hmmm, whoas me. About cancer. Said from my life partner. That one will stick with me for awhile...


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## Advocado

Is she aware you have considered splitting and if yes what was her reaction?

Also do you have children?


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## nicholascanada

Advocado said:


> Is she aware you have considered splitting and if yes what was her reaction?
> 
> Also do you have children?


No children. She has no idea how far my thoughts have progressed. However, i have made clear many many times how certain aspects of our relationship are not working, and that it is serious in my mind. I have suggested counselling numerous times as well, to no avail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado

If you were to tell her she might be shocked enough to actually go along to counselling in an effort to save the marriage. However, I'm *not *saying you should threaten to split with her if she won't go to counselling. Ultimatums do not always work out the way you want so I wouldn't advocate going down that road.

However, if you are serious about splitting, at some point you need to tell her. My guess is that if she truly wants to make things work she will likely suggest counselling herself at that point.

I am wondering if it would be too little too late.


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## nicholascanada

Advocado said:


> If you were to tell her she might be shocked enough to actually go along to counselling in an effort to save the marriage. However, I'm *not *saying you should threaten to split with her if she won't go to counselling. Ultimatums do not always work out the way you want so I wouldn't advocate going down that road.
> 
> However, if you are serious about splitting, at some point you need to tell her. My guess is that if she truly wants to make things work she will likely suggest counselling herself at that point.
> 
> I am wondering if it would be too little too late.


Yes i def NOT give an ultimatum if i decide to end it. She has had her chances to make things different, and to think about counselling together. I truly cant understand why she has saud no to counselling. But i guess she has told me she thinks there is nothing wrong with us. We're good. And that i am just looking for perfection. And that i would have same probs, or new ones, with another wife. I obviously disagree. The more people comment about when you are inside something, you cant see just how bad it is...

Well i have this sneaky suspicion that is me. ALL these things i do wrong by her take, all that i am not getting from her, and all the bad...well i have started to think that once i am out i will realize just how good a great relationship can be. 

Someone told me on my other open thread to list all my fears in leaving, and write a plan for them. When i thought it through i only have one fear. Being alone a long time afterwards. 

After my cancer battle, i dont want to let life pass me by. So if i leave, i would be scared i would never find anyone for awhile to share life with. Other than that, i could not think of another fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MuleM

Haven't read through every post yet, so I may come back and edit.. Just to chime in on the subject of silent treatments..

She tells you she's "processing". Most interpretations have been that she is selfish and punishing you.. 

That is not necessarily the case. Some people will take a long time to think about things if upset in order to calm down; to avoid saying anything they'll regret; to decide whether it's worth a fight, or whether they should drop the subject.
The reason could be because they want to avoid hurting you or hurting the relationship--not to punish you.

Did she literally not speak to you for days? Or did she avoid talking about anything other than day-to-day necessities. If the latter, I'd say she may've been trying to do the right thing. Silence is a technique you learn if you're used to having your instinctive reactions shut down violently, or if you do not trust your own instincts at times. 

If this is the case, you might encourage her to express her opinions more. Listen and try to be supportive of the parts you agree with, and you can agree to disagree with the rest.


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## nicholascanada

MuleM said:


> Haven't read through every post yet, so I may come back and edit.. Just to chime in on the subject of silent treatments..
> 
> She tells you she's "processing". Most interpretations have been that she is selfish and punishing you..
> 
> That is not necessarily the case. Some people will take a long time to think about things if upset in order to calm down; to avoid saying anything they'll regret; to decide whether it's worth a fight, or whether they should drop the subject.
> The reason could be because they want to avoid hurting you or hurting the relationship--not to punish you
> 
> Did she literally not speak to you for days? Or did she avoid talking about anything other than day-to-day necessities. If the latter, I'd say she may've been trying to do the right thing. Silence is a technique you learn if you're used to having your instinctive reactions shut down violently, or if you do not trust your own instincts at times.
> 
> If this is the case, you might encourage her to express her opinions more. Listen and try to be supportive of the parts you agree with, and you can agree to disagree with the rest.


No there was no communication. And sorry, im with my psch on this one. She has done this many times, once for over a week. Thats not processing, that is abuse. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado

nicholascanada said:


> Yes i def NOT give an ultimatum if i decide to end it. She has had her chances to make things different, and to think about counselling together. I truly cant understand why she has saud no to counselling. But i guess she has told me she thinks there is nothing wrong with us. We're good. And that i am just looking for perfection. And that i would have same probs, or new ones, with another wife. I obviously disagree. The more people comment about when you are inside something, you cant see just how bad it is...
> 
> Well i have this sneaky suspicion that is me. ALL these things i do wrong by her take, all that i am not getting from her, and all the bad...well i have started to think that once i am out i will realize just how good a great relationship can be.
> 
> Someone told me on my other open thread to list all my fears in leaving, and write a plan for them. When i thought it through i only have one fear. Being alone a long time afterwards.
> 
> After my cancer battle, i dont want to let life pass me by. So if i leave, i would be scared i would never find anyone for awhile to share life with. Other than that, i could not think of another fear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, what scares you the most, staying or leaving? (I know living with a narcissist would be pretty scary for me!)

Yes, there is always the risk you will be alone for a while. In fact, I would say you don't want to be in too much of a hurry to find another wife/woman. Some time out on your own might not be so bad.

When things are at there best are the good enough to make you want to stay? (Sorry for all the questions but they might help you to think things through).


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## ThinkTooMuch

Just saw this thread and haven't read all of it, but I have an ex-wife who got angry and would use the silent treatment. The maximum was 30 days. Turns out she has borderline personality disorder which was discussed extensively in TAM. I don't know if that is the issue here, but there's no cure for BPD, it gets worse, not better.

It doesn't seem as if you have a marriage worth saving, certainly not a low stress marriage that you want and need. 

My experience says if you leave you will find many possible woman to share with, just try not to go after the 1st one you connect with. Good luck.


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