# Caregiver burnout



## gjers1224 (May 6, 2015)

I am new here but needed someplace to get different perspectives of my situation. I have been married for about 8 years and from the outset it seemed that I was always being a caregiver to my wife. Prior to our marriage she went through a bankruptcy due to a former marriage. I supported her through that process and we continued to move on to our marriage. After we were married, which included combining our homes and children, the neediness picked up steam. She started a graduate program so I assumed the duties of the household, carting the kids to sporting activities, school stuff, etc. Did most of the housework, cooking, laundry, yard work, all the while working full-time. After she graduated, things stayed pretty much the same, there were always reasons why she wouldn't or couldn't do things to help. Sexually it was the same, she stated that she wanted more intimacy but it was always too early in the morning, not late enough at night, etc., etc., and then complained we didn't have sex enough! About 2 years ago I told her I couldn't do it anymore, that I felt like I had an extra child (her) in the house and that I wanted a partner not someone that I needed to care for. We went to counseling and she said she would change some things but that lasted for a very brief period of time. I told her I wanted a separation and I moved out. About a month after I moved out she was diagnosed with Leukemia and has been in and out (mostly in) the hospital ever since. I have been with her for all of the chemo's, bone marrow transplant, and relapses (5) since the start of this and am totally burned out. I was ready to end things before this all started and now I feel as if I can no longer function, and my life has been on hold for years. It sounds so selfish when I write it down, but I am so unhappy, I just don't know what to.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

It doesn't sound selfish, I feel for you. You were talking care of a child (your wife), you wanted out and told her so. And since she has been diagnosed with Leukemia, you have been there for her, but feel "trapped" because you wanted to leave her before the illness. Yet guilt is preventing you from carrying it out.

This is such a tricky situation. Have you been to individual counselling? Maybe that will help you sort it all out.


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## gjers1224 (May 6, 2015)

I do feel trapped, I feel like I am in a situation where there are only bad choices. All of our friends think she is a wonderful person, (she is a nice person but they don't live with her), and now that she has this diagnosis everyone in our personal and professional lives have been really supportive and I am sure I would be an outcast if I left her now. I just don't know how much more I can handle.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

gjers1224 said:


> I am new here but needed someplace to get different perspectives of my situation. I have been married for about 8 years and from the outset it seemed that I was always being a caregiver to my wife. Prior to our marriage she went through a bankruptcy due to a former marriage. I supported her through that process and we continued to move on to our marriage. After we were married, which included combining our homes and children, the neediness picked up steam. She started a graduate program so I assumed the duties of the household, carting the kids to sporting activities, school stuff, etc. Did most of the housework, cooking, laundry, yard work, all the while working full-time. After she graduated, things stayed pretty much the same, there were always reasons why she wouldn't or couldn't do things to help. Sexually it was the same, she stated that she wanted more intimacy but it was always too early in the morning, not late enough at night, etc., etc., and then complained we didn't have sex enough! About 2 years ago I told her I couldn't do it anymore, that I felt like I had an extra child (her) in the house and that I wanted a partner not someone that I needed to care for. We went to counseling and she said she would change some things but that lasted for a very brief period of time. I told her I wanted a separation and I moved out. About a month after I moved out she was diagnosed with Leukemia and has been in and out (mostly in) the hospital ever since. I have been with her for all of the chemo's, bone marrow transplant, and relapses (5) since the start of this and am totally burned out. I was ready to end things before this all started and now I feel as if I can no longer function, and my life has been on hold for years. It sounds so selfish when I write it down, but I am so unhappy, I just don't know what to.


No wonder you are burnt out with all that you do physically and the emotional burden of caring for your wife. You must have seen something in her when you married? Didn't you know that she wouldn't step up to the plate when you married, how did this come as a surprise?
What is the current state of her health? Prognosis?
You are to all intents and purposes separated now if she is mostly in hospital. 
You are not selfish to want to live your life. You should put off getting separated or divorced right now and try to do things for you such as join the gym, men's club, church activities, caregiver group, etc. 

Get yourself a counsellor to help you deal with your emotions
Is is possible to get someone to come in daily to help you with housework, kids etc - do you have family that could come stay?

You need to try to reduce your workload first of all so that you can begin to think clearly and get some down time. Then look at your situation again.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Didn't you say in your vows in sickness and in health? So now that she is sick you can't handle it so you want to bail? What if you got sick, how would you feel if she bailed you? My husband has had some health problems and I have always been there to nurse and comfort him, that's what you do when you love someone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand feeling trapped and burned out. Especially since you are in a marriage in which she was just not there for you.

Is your wife able to work at all now? What is her prognosis?

You need to take control of some things.. like own life. What are things that you could do to giver yourself some time to do things that make you feel better? 

Are there friends or family members who could watch your children so that you can get out an do things at least once a week?

Can you hire someone one a week, or however much you can afford to help with things like house keeping and yard work?

Start by just taking better care of yourself.

Then after that you can start thinking about what to do from here.

In the future, if you do end up divorcing her, make sure that you talk to a lawyer to find out your rights before moving out of the home.

Do you have children with her? Or just children from a previous relationship.


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## gjers1224 (May 6, 2015)

Happilymarried25- It is not the fact that she is sick that is driving me away it is the fact that she has been so unwilling to be a functioning adult in our relationship. She refuses to do much of anything to help with tasks or with herself.

Elegirl- Her prognosis is not great and she is not able to work at this time. We do not have children together. I have been trying to do more things for just me, working out, planning a fishing trip with my son and brothers. I plan on doing less around the house and less for her. I just can't do it anymore, nor do I want to keep enabling her behaviors. There are many things she can do, but she just refuses. She told me something a couple of nights ago that pretty much sums up how she feels about helping out. I asked her when she was going to put away some summer clothes that she took out of storage and had been laying on the floor for about 3 weeks, she stated that she gets tired easily so she hadn't done it yet. I told her that she had all day to do it, she could do it in shorter increments. She then said "If I don't finish right away I lose my motivation and won't get it done so I don't even start". So now 2 bags of clothes and shoes are on the floor in our bedroom, it's been 3 weeks now and I am sure it will be much longer. I refuse to do those things that she is very capable of doing. I just don't want to live that way. I am trapped in my own house and have lost most of my feelings for her. She is in remission from her leukemia but doesn't seem to want to embrace this time and be an active participant in her own life.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Is there a caregivers' support group in your area? Even without the stress of a difficult relationship anyone who has to deal with a chronically ill family member can suffer burn-out. They might have suggestions for obtaining help, or relief for you. And trying to get family involved is good, if available.

Happilymarried25 is out of line. Your relationship was unraveling before her illness. And remember she took vows as well. Vows only work when both parties abide by them.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Didn't you say in your vows in sickness and in health? So now that she is sick you can't handle it so you want to bail? What if you got sick, how would you feel if she bailed you? My husband has had some health problems and I have always been there to nurse and comfort him, that's what you do when you love someone.


She is already absentee from the marriage. 
This was long before she got sick.

Its a CONSCIOUS choice she made to drop slowly out of the marriage.
I feel sorry for OP, this type of slow death is a spoonful of agony each day.


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## gjers1224 (May 6, 2015)

You summed up what I have been feeling......A spoonful of agony every day. Thanks for your response.


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## gjers1224 (May 6, 2015)

Thanks for your response. I am going to start seeing a counselor in a couple of weeks so that may help.Hopefully I can get through this period with my sanity. I know that I will have to make changes so that I can function and find happiness again.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you should choose to divorce, public opinion might be against you, but you only have one life to live. You don't love her and this is not a question of marital vows. She abandoned hers long before your burned out.

She is too tired for sex now as well, probably.

Also, after chemo, etc. she may have trouble conceiving. Do you want children?


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