# Maybe I Deserve This



## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Okay this is going to be lengthy but I have to get it off my chest. My fiancee and I are to be wed in October. We have been together for just over a year. We met through craigslist when I was relocated last year. She was everything I thought I wanted. She had exaggerated about her personality but she was so unbelieveably gorgeous I overlooked the small indiscrepancies. We relocated together right after I proposed to her (6mos after we met). Things have been great, she frequently had bouts of depression but our relationship is still new so I dont pretend to know everything about her. 

She had constantly been getting messages on facebook from her ex of 2 years. Well I was walking by the desktop computer and saw a message from him saying "i need it" and there were pictures attached. Interested I attempted to open but couldnt. So i sent a message back as her telling him to resend. I deleted all messages and patiently waited to see what this tool was talking about. Well i got impatient so i installed a key logger to track her password. I merely wanted to intercept his response. She eventually confessed a few days later about the message and insisted she hadnt responded. She only waited because she did not want to ruin our weekend. Because i trust her i let it go. Well about a week later I walked into the office on her and she was typing an email. It started with her age and location but she quickly minimized it. I told her i only wanted a kiss and she said she was doing something private. I walked away. She came to me and said she was emailing her mother? I knew then something was wrong. Remebering i had installed the key logger i logged into her email the next day only to read a very vulgar conversation she was having with a woman she had met on craislist. She had always told me she had been into women but that it was over. The email clearly indicated that she could not live without a womans touch anymore. 

So for the last few days i have been monitoring her messages. She has since changed her password but I can still see every word she types on the desktop. She has been using our laptop which has no logger. We just picked up our invitations for our wedding sunday, and that very day she is emailing a woman. She has already told me she plans on getting her nails done on Friday when I am at work. I am not as upset as i thought I would be but i know i cant pretend i know nothing forever

I have cheated on nearly every woman i dated, this was the first time i was faithful, so maybe its not fair for me to just walk away. We had discussed possibly a threesome even though i want a committed relationship just weeks ago, to address her "urge" but behind my back, this is just insane. Maybe this is karma


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

brayln said:


> Okay this is going to be lengthy but I have to get it off my chest. My fiancee and I are to be wed in October. We have been together for just over a year. We met through craigslist when I was relocated last year. She was everything I thought I wanted. She had exaggerated about her personality but she was so unbelieveably gorgeous I overlooked the small indiscrepancies. We relocated together right after I proposed to her (6mos after we met). Things have been great, she frequently had bouts of depression but our relationship is still new so I dont pretend to know everything about her.
> 
> She had constantly been getting messages on facebook from her ex of 2 years. Well I was walking by the desktop computer and saw a message from him saying "i need it" and there were pictures attached. Interested I attempted to open but couldnt. So i sent a message back as her telling him to resend. I deleted all messages and patiently waited to see what this tool was talking about. Well i got impatient so i installed a key logger to track her password. I merely wanted to intercept his response. She eventually confessed a few days later about the message and insisted she hadnt responded. She only waited because she did not want to ruin our weekend. Because i trust her i let it go. Well about a week later I walked into the office on her and she was typing an email. It started with her age and location but she quickly minimized it. I told her i only wanted a kiss and she said she was doing something private. I walked away. She came to me and said she was emailing her mother? I knew then something was wrong. Remebering i had installed the key logger i logged into her email the next day only to read a very vulgar conversation she was having with a woman she had met on craislist. She had always told me she had been into women but that it was over. The email clearly indicated that she could not live without a womans touch anymore.
> 
> ...


"You have been together just over a year....this was the first time I was faithful..." Or is it that you just hadn't cheated yet? Funny, how some people can cheat and cheat and cheat til they are blue in the face but when it happens to them, it's so unfair. Sorry. This is how my STBX is. He has been a serial cheater for 15 years (and yes, stupid me for staying with him) but if I so much as look at another guy, he gets jealous.
I may come back and write more later after others respond too.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Why are you being a jerk? I never cheated in OUR relationship. My choosing to tell her about my past was growth. My past has nothing to do with the relationship between my fiancee and I. 100% faithful for the year she has known me


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

There is so much wrong with this scenario. Engagements? Marriage? lol


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Sounds like Karma. Good luck with all that.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> There is so much wrong with this scenario. Engagements? Marriage? lol


thanks for all of your brilliance, you have added nothing to this thread


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Seriously man....you just told a bunch of victims of infidelity that you have cheated on multiple people a bunch of times...

What the heck do you want from us...a pat on the back?


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

I have followed this forum for quite some time and only joined after seeing all of the positive feedback members have had to offer. The few responses that I have received so far are really dissapointing. If you arent going to give actual feedback, or offer some assistance please do not reply. Respectfully


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

No, you don't deserve it. No, it's not karma.

Yes, on it's current track and without massive overhauls and core shifts in both of you this relationship is doomed. 

Sorry chief this type of "love" will not conquer all.... Up to you what you do, as it stands your on a path racing at breakneck speed and there is a bridge out ahead. Hopefully your not going to fast to see the signs... they are clear.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

brayln said:


> thanks for all of your brilliance, you have added nothing to this thread


lol I added exactly what I wanted to add to this thread. Are you trolling us? Serious question.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Seriously man....you just told a bunch of victims of infidelity that you have cheated on multiple people a bunch of times...
> 
> What the heck do you want from us...a pat on the back?


fine fair enough. I am a victim in this case. I was being honest. Truthfully the exs that i "cheated on", i didnt really cheat i just broke up with them but they would say that they were cheated on. Maybe the title threw you all off. I was simply requesting assistance on how i should go about something like this. My goodness. I found a fault and tried to change, i thought this was a christian forum


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

brayln said:


> Why are you being a jerk? I never cheated in OUR relationship. My choosing to tell her about my past was growth. My past has nothing to do with the relationship between my fiancee and I. 100% faithful for the year she has known me[/QUOTE
> 
> If telling it like it is is being a jerk, then so be it. Here's some more jerk for you. You have not cheated in this current relationship...YET. It's only been a year. And your past has ALOT to do with it. Our past shapes us into who we are today. You are a serial cheater, you have admitted to it and nowhere do you mention that you have gone to counseling to help yourself. A person such as yourself who repeatedly cheats, WILL do it again. You probably won't find anyone here who feels sorry for you. Now, as victims of infedility, we can offer you straight up, no holds barred advice and opinions but because of your past with serial cheating, if you want to have a future with your curreny GF, get yourself help or down the road you will be back on here crying that you cheated and she left you.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> lol I added exactly what I wanted to add to this thread. Are you trolling us? Serious question.


WHAT? no idea what you mean by that, i dont know all the forum lingo


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

brayln said:


> The few responses that I have received so far are really dissapointing. If you arent going to give actual feedback, or offer some assistance please do not reply. Respectfully


I will tell you what you might not want to hear, If you decide not to listen or decide to be defensive about it thats your choice.

Frankly, I don't care who you've cheated on in the past. It does establish a clear "likelyhood" but that's another issue and will have nothing to do with the facts/opinions I offer... Fact is, your relationship is in DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP do-do right now. 

If you want to hear that it's gonna be Ok with some maintainance, or get some simple solutions that will ease the bumps and potholes your already seeing on a journey your determined to take.... We can't help... If you want the truth and your prepared for the fact that you might not like it, I'll bet you'll find some great guidance here...


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

WTF the premise of your statment is that this is my fault because I may have been unfaithful in the past? I elaborated, no i did not cheat because i was never in a serious relationship but hey someone else might call it that so im being fair. If i commit myself to recovery from what i would call serial dating over serial cheating then why could i not spend my life committed to one person. I didnt realize Jesus worked the forums, your excellence please teach me how to be perfect like you


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I will tell you what you might not want to hear, If you decide not to listen or decide to be defensive about it thats your choice.
> 
> Frankly, I don't care who you've cheated on in the past. It does establish a clear "likelyhood" but that's another issue and will have nothing to do with the facts/opinions I offer... Fact is, your relationship is in DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP do-do right now.
> 
> If you want to hear that it's gonna be Ok with some maintainance, or get some simple solutions that will ease the bumps and potholes your already seeing on a journey your determined to take.... We can't help... If you want the truth and your prepared for the fact that you might not like it, I'll bet you'll find some great guidance here...



I hear you i guess im having trouble wrapping my brain around if its cheating before it happens. I also do not know if it is fair for me to villafy this woman when i could have been accused of the same thing in my past and was forgiven. I would not have done this. She was open at first then she changed and decided on discretion and its with a woman. This is just so different than i would have imagined


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Brayln,

I think you need to go talk to someone in person. The problem with talking to you on this forum is that I cant reach out and smack any sence into you. 

Seriously....it sounds like you need to sit down with this girl and TALK. forget about all of us. If you and your girl can't communicate honestly with each other you are not going to make it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Dude...

Stop being defensive. Let down your guard, accept responsibilty for having faults of your own and having made mistakes. Show remorse and humility.

Please step back and take a look around... Your in a forum full of people that have RAW emotions and pain caused directly by cheaters... you started by saying your a cheater, the serial version... That statement is obviously going to stir some serious emotions in people here... then you follow by being defensive...?!?!? What do you expect? 

Your time here is not going to be productive if you dont realx. Take your medicine and be humble... ask for help. We will help if we can.


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## edot30 (Apr 19, 2011)

Brayln, what you need to consider regarding AppleDumplings response is the location of your question. While I admit to knowing absolutely nothing about AppleDumpling or her history, you have posted on a support forum for those who have been cheated on stating how you have cheated on every person you have ever been with, except this 1 year long relationship.

To me that is somewhat akin to a cat complaining to a mouse that another mouse bit his leg. That being said, I try to maintain the belief that that people can change and things can be different over time. You may have gotten a nasty response, but consider there are a lot of people here who have been hurt by actions like that in ways that no other pain can compare with. Perhaps it is part of that whole Karma thing.

Personally, I think the best thing would be to confront her with the information you have, and ask her whats going on. If she loves you, and wants to be with you then this stuff will have to stop. I understand the situation is never that simple, but it may be your best option, at least to my knowledge. 

You will have to be prepared though for her to throw up a smoke screen and divert the conversation back to how you are not committed to the relationship, and to your lack of faith in her or the relationship as evident by you installing something to monitor her. I have had a similar conversation with my wife on several occasions, not that I have ever installed anything to monitor her, but that I periodically take a look at her e-mail and chat-logs. My perspective is that it never would have happened had I never been given a reason to doubt her faithfulness. 

I am sorry you are in this situation, but it sounds like it may be deserved. Perhaps this will give you a reason to change your behavior up.

I will admit there have been times I have been tempted to cheat, although I never have done so. In my experience, the temptation (at least from me) does not come from necessarily a sexual desire, or even the individual target of the affection. For me it comes when in a relationship for a while and you start to feel you know everything there is to know about someone. It could be more a matter of wanting that excitement of the early stages of the relationship back, the excitement of knowing you could get caught, or perhaps a feeling of losing your independence, and its simply a way to prove to yourself that you are still in control of your life and what you do.

I know the reasons that occur periodically for me because like I said I have been tempted to on several occasions. However, that is typically smashed out pretty quick with the thought of how would I feel if she was cheating, and do I want to cause her that pain? 

Last time I felt that, for me it was a feeling of losing my independence and as if everything I did was controlled, so instead I bought a motorcycle.  Taking off and going for a ride for a couple hours, combined with travel for work periodically causing nights alone is a very solid reminder of the facts that you are actually free, and that being in your relationship IS your choice, which would be stupid to jeapordize.

I am not suggesting getting her a bike and sending her off is the answer, simply that there may be other ways to handle those temptations if they come up again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Regardless of your past - which I'm not minimizing the seriousness of it - the fact that she is hiding information that you have a right to know, means *that she doesn't trust you*. If she has to resort to secrecy, then you should seriously consider ending the engagement until she commits to become an open book - the same thing applies to you btw - otherwise you are facing a future with a woman who has as much respect for committed relationships like you had in the past.

Good luck.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Dude...
> 
> Stop being defensive. Let down your guard, accept responsibilty for having faults of your own and having made mistakes. Show remorse and humility.
> 
> ...


How am i not being humble, I am pretty sure i stated i found a fault and worked on it? I get that the opening was probably not the best for THIS forum. I get it. I have taken responsibility for my PAST. However, i am trying to focus on my situation TODAY. If no one can look past that and help me going forward perhaps I have looked to the wrong source. I never claimed to be perfect, the title "maybe i deserve this" clearly shows that I feel responsible. What should I do now? You tell me how to get guidance, Im open. You can trash me fine, but then afterwards give me some advise sheesh. I dont know how to confront her or even when. Do i wait until its happened or does me knowing this even exists bad enough?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You clearly have some very complex and deep seated issues around abandonment and trust. You cheat because you are terrified of being left behind. You spy on your wife for the same reason.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You clearly have some very complex and deep seated issues around abandonment and trust. You cheat because you are terrified of being left behind. You spy on your wife for the same reason.


No? I dont "spy" on my wife. She lied to me about who she was emailing after i clearly saw the beginning of the email she claimed was to her mother. I felt bad about sending a message to her ex and simply wanted to intercept the reply. I had every intention of telling her. We have always had a trusting relationship. I never question her doing anything. And when her ex has emailed her in the past I let her handle it. I was beginning to find it a bit irritating and disrespectful since he knows we are engaged. I discovered the email literally 5 minutes after one of her coworkers sent her a picture of himself without a shirt on. It was not a good day to say the least


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

I really do appreciate the posts of those who are actually reading what I am writing instead of picking one line and attacking me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

brayln said:


> She had always told me she had been into women but that it was over. *The email clearly indicated that she could not live without a womans touch anymore.*
> 
> So for the last few days i have been monitoring her messages. She has since changed her password but I can still see every word she types on the desktop. She has been using our laptop which has no logger. We just picked up our invitations for our wedding sunday, and that very day she is emailing a woman. She has already told me she plans on getting her nails done on Friday when I am at work. I am not as upset as i thought I would be but i know i cant pretend i know nothing forever


Why wait? Confront her now. If she gets pissed because you invaded her privacy, then that will show you that she is more interested in leading a double life behind your back. If that is not a deal breaker with regards to the engagement and marriage, then do nothing and act as though everything is fine with you. Is that what you really want? If the answer is no, then tell her that the marriage is off until further notice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My advice is very simple: Do not get married. 

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Get tested for STDs.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

brayln said:


> You can trash me fine, but then afterwards give me some advise sheesh. I dont know how to confront her or even when. Do i wait until its happened or does me knowing this even exists bad enough?


Deep breath dude. I'm not trashing you.

see if we can get this on track...

Basics: No, you do not wait. It has happened, your trust has been betrayed. The symantics of EA/PA, pre-EA/PA, etc..etc... are meaningless. The fact is she is not being loyal to you ALREADY. You are engaged to be married, if these things are already happening thats a HUGE MONSTEROUS red flag, do not wait. Communicate now. Put your foot on the brakes, turn on the high beams... Big signs on the road saying.. "DANGER".


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ok, I am not even going to touch the fact that you cheated in the past, past is done gone buried, this is about your current situation. This girl is hiding stuff from you, sounds like she could be confused about her sexuality, pretty much is cheating on you at least an emotional affair. If you want even the tiniest chance, she needs to stop what she is doing and go to IC and at least couples counseling. She needs to figure out if she's into men or women. Do NOT marry this girl, not in October.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Putting aside your past for the moment...

Cheating during the engagement is much more than a red flag - it is a railroad crossing with the gates down, lights flashing, and a freight train barrelling down the tracks blowing its warning whistle for all and sundry. You're looking at the train coming and trying to decide if you have enough time to get around the gates to the other side before the train hits you.

Do not do that. You do not have time. The train will rip through you like a tornado through a trailer.

Stop at the gates, postpone the wedding, and get yourself and your girl into some couples therapy, or at least individual counseling. She needs to come to terms with her sexuality and her needs, and you need to decide if you're willing to give her what she needs to be fulfilled. These may turn out to be dealbreakers for one or both of you - and it is far easier to dissolve an engagement than a marriage.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> Putting aside your past for the moment...
> 
> Cheating during the engagement is much more than a red flag - it is a railroad crossing with the gates down, lights flashing, and a freight train barrelling down the tracks blowing its warning whistle for all and sundry. You're looking at the train coming and trying to decide if you have enough time to get around the gates to the other side before the train hits you.
> 
> ...


She had always down played it but i read those graphic messages about how she needs it and that i thought this side of her was dead. It just sucks i know i cant go on with it but brining it up is gonna be a nightmare. I was thinking I could just hand her everything and let that be it, but does this truly require a conversation. She desires women as much if not more than me


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

brayln said:


> She had always down played it but i read those graphic messages about how she needs it and that i thought this side of her was dead. It just sucks i know i cant go on with it but brining it up is gonna be a nightmare. I was thinking I could just hand her everything and let that be it, but does this truly require a conversation. She desires women as much if not more than me


If you think it's going to be a nightmare, just wait after you marry her and find out she's been cheating on you non-stop.

Think about this for a minute. Due to her sexual orientation, lesbian or bisexual, marriage to you would mean a vow of celibacy for her. Do you seriously believe that anybody who gets married does so with the intention of becoming celibate?

Expose and end the engagement NOW.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Brayln, if she desires women more than you even do, I unfortunately don't think there's anything you can do. This young lady is very confused, and she can't be a good partner to you or anyone while she is in this state. I hope she can come to terms with her sexuality, and you find happiness that you deserve.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

paramore said:


> Brayln, if she desires women more than you even do, I unfortunately don't think there's anything you can do. This young lady is very confused, and she can't be a good partner to you or anyone while she is in this state. I hope she can come to terms with her sexuality, and you find happiness that you deserve.


OK but to be clear this is strictly because its a woman. If this were a man you would recommend to explore reconciliation right?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

brayln said:


> OK but to be clear this is strictly because its a woman. If this were a man you would recommend to explore reconciliation right?


Absolutely not. Nothing to do with anything. 

Change every "She" to "He" in any of your statements nothing changes, nothing.

You are engaged to be married and your fiance is not being loyal to you.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Absolutely not. Nothing to do with anything.
> 
> Change every "She" to "He" in any of your statements nothing changes, nothing.
> 
> You are engaged to be married and your fiance is not being loyal to you.



I see i guess i just cant help but feel responsible like I should have done something, but you are right. We just picked up the invitations that day and the first thing she did was email this chick ugh


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

brayln said:


> OK but to be clear this is strictly because its a woman. If this were a man you would recommend to explore reconciliation right?


Not even remotely. She is cheating while you are engaged. Frankly, I recommend ending the relationship full stop. But if you insist that she is "the one," then postpone the wedding and get some help.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

brayln said:


> OK but to be clear this is strictly because its a woman. If this were a man you would recommend to explore reconciliation right?


Nearly every response given is defensive, or like this one, (seemingly) trying to pick a fight. People are giving you advice like you requested, but you are only responding to those who are directing comments personally. Man/Woman has NOTHING to do with it...

The telling situation is your communication: You can't even communicate in a mature manner with random people on an internet forum, so we can guess you lack the same communication skills when dealing with your wife. You can't even listen to them tell you no-sunshine introspective. All she is attempting to say is that when a person (woman OR man) is confused about their sexuality, it needs to be resolved internally. Until they act upon it or decide to change for themselves, there is nothing you can do. The advice is simple: Why marry someone who isn't sure in what they want- this one is all on you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok so not spying, but certainly motivated to look for something worth spying about. Same difference. I'm suggesting that your behavior and your fears of her behavior are linked. They're not unrelated.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

avenrandom said:


> Nearly every response given is defensive, or like this one, (seemingly) trying to pick a fight. People are giving you advice like you requested, but you are only responding to those who are directing comments personally. Man/Woman has NOTHING to do with it...
> 
> The telling situation is your communication: You can't even communicate in a mature manner with random people on an internet forum, so we can guess you lack the same communication skills when dealing with your wife. You can't even listen to them tell you no-sunshine introspective. All she is attempting to say is that when a person (woman OR man) is confused about their sexuality, it needs to be resolved internally. Until they act upon it or decide to change for themselves, there is nothing you can do. The advice is simple: Why marry someone who isn't sure in what they want- this one is all on you.



I thought I was just asking a question for clarification not being defensive?


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

I guess from what ive been given wrong is wrong and my course should be to confront her. I still dont know how. Its one thing to talk about unecessary purchases, but to hand someone a stack of explicit conversations and ask them to explain themselves. I just dont know if I can face her and have her lie or deny. I think I would rather just leave it for her with a note its gonna suck


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Here is a quick list of things you have to come to grips with immediately...

1. Water is wet
2. She is going to lie and deny
3. When she realizes you _know._ She is going to rationalize, deflect and minimize.
4. She will likely either get angry or look for sympathy (think animal instincts... (cornered dog/play possum), depending on what _your hot button_ is.
5. I'm guessing you don't like emotional confrontation?, it likely scares you. That why this sucks so bad, your dreading that confrontation.
6. If you don't do it now, it will get much, much worse. You deal with this now, or it deals with you later. 
7. Your fiance is unfaithful and is cheating on you.
8. The sky is blue.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

brayln said:


> I guess from what ive been given wrong is wrong and my course should be to confront her. I still dont know how. Its one thing to talk about unecessary purchases, but to hand someone a stack of explicit conversations and ask them to explain themselves. I just dont know if I can face her and have her lie or deny. I think I would rather just leave it for her with a note its gonna suck


i wouldnt ask for an explanation or give her the chance to deny or lie.
just hand her the file then leave.
if you live together then decide which one leaves and either you leave or tell her to get her sh!t and get the [email protected] out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

brayln said:


> I guess from what ive been given wrong is wrong and my course should be to confront her. I still dont know how. Its one thing to talk about unecessary purchases, but to hand someone a stack of explicit conversations and ask them to explain themselves. I just dont know if I can face her and have her lie or deny. I think I would rather just leave it for her with a note its gonna suck


You're right, it will suck either way. But unless you're planning on just packing your stuff and walking out after dropping off the note, you're going to have to talk about it eventually.

And for the record, my thought on the whole lesbian/bi-sexual thing is that if she was e-mailing a guy like that, she'd be cheating, but there might still be a chance for you to reconcile with her if you wanted to try. After all, you have the physical equipment she'd be looking for, at least. But unless you're willing to explore a sex change operation, the odds of making a marriage to a lesbian work (or a bi-sexual woman who "needs" the touch of a female), you're kind of fighting an up-hill battle. I'd think exactly the same thing if you were a woman, married to a guy who's either bi or homosexual...

Another option to consider is whether you're willing to explore a non-traditional marriage. Either one that allows exploration/experiences on the side, or one consisting of more people. Some guys would love to have a woman who wants a FFM threesome... Pretty risky, in any case, and I'd definately hold off on the whole wedding thing until things settle down a LOT!

C


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

You know what you need to do, and your question to my last comment, I didn't take it as defensive at all  In this situation, I don't know if I'd vote for reconciliation, you haven't been together that long. It's up to you how you handle it, you could confront her, but you know the truth bro. If you pack your things and leave with a note it is well within your rights, but I would lean towards confronting her, and then leave if you so choose to, but again that's just me.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

This thread is endlessly entertaining! However, the issue is a serious one. 

Here is some advice you should heed: Don't marry this girl! Seriously, the red flags are popping up all over the place here. You say you want a committed relationship this time yet she is already going behind your back. This is doomed. Save yourself a world of hurt and take a step back. At least wait a while before jumping headlong into the abyss. 

Just my 2 cents

Best of luck


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Marry her and let the three-ways begin!!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

MrK said:


> Marry her and let the three-ways begin!!


:rofl:


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

brayln said:


> WTF the premise of your statment is that this is my fault because I may have been unfaithful in the past? I elaborated, no i did not cheat because i was never in a serious relationship but hey someone else might call it that so im being fair. If i commit myself to recovery from what i would call serial dating over serial cheating then why could i not spend my life committed to one person. I didnt realize Jesus worked the forums, your excellence please teach me how to be perfect like you


I'm wondering why you would start a relationship with someone who is into girls. It seems so self defeating. Many of us have walked into relationships not knowing about such issues and been blind sided later on. You have the chance to opt out, or delay and get counseling for you both. I also think that if you have been labeled a cheater by others, that they thought their relationships with you were "serious". I am wondering if you have commitment issues. You have knowingly entered a relationship with an expiration date stamped right on it. I worry that you will not find a stable relationship unless you work your issues through with a therapist and thoroughly understand yourself. In any event I wish you the best and hope sincerely that you find happiness.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You seriously need to get away from this woman. Imagine marrying her and having a couple of kids. Then 10 years from now she tells you that she never has felt attracted to men, and that she met a girl. She tells you that she is going to leave you, but she wants the house, the kids and alimony. Tell you what, explore this site and see how many stories like that there are. Run!


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> I'm wondering why you would start a relationship with someone who is into girls. It seems so self defeating. Many of us have walked into relationships not knowing about such issues and been blind sided later on. You have the chance to opt out, or delay and get counseling for you both. I also think that if you have been labeled a cheater by others, that they thought their relationships with you were "serious". I am wondering if you have commitment issues. You have knowingly entered a relationship with an expiration date stamped right on it. I worry that you will not find a stable relationship unless you work your issues through with a therapist and thoroughly understand yourself. In any event I wish you the best and hope sincerely that you find happiness.


Like I said she downplayed it ALOT. It never occurred to me that she "needed" a woman. I would have never willingly enter into a relationship like that. Sure i thought maybe on our 10 year anniversary it might not be hard to get a three way but i figured i was a non issue. Definitely not that it was uncontrollable. If i posted what she wrote it would be clear this is more like a drug to her. I would not say those ppl would all call me cheaters but I am being honest with myself. I feel i may have 'cheated' them out of a happiness not necessarily committing infidelity. Either way my past is mine alone. I beleive I have made great strides and continue to withstand temptation daily, and its only gotten easier. Beleive it or not people change when they want to


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> You seriously need to get away from this woman. Imagine marrying her and having a couple of kids. Then 10 years from now she tells you that she never has felt attracted to men, and that she met a girl. She tells you that she is going to leave you, but she wants the house, the kids and alimony. Tell you what, explore this site and see how many stories like that there are. Run!


I think this is probably my biggest fear at this point. I would be devastated and I would hate to involve children in such a situation


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

PBear said:


> You're right, it will suck either way. But unless you're planning on just packing your stuff and walking out after dropping off the note, you're going to have to talk about it eventually.
> 
> And for the record, my thought on the whole lesbian/bi-sexual thing is that if she was e-mailing a guy like that, she'd be cheating, but there might still be a chance for you to reconcile with her if you wanted to try. After all, you have the physical equipment she'd be looking for, at least. But unless you're willing to explore a sex change operation, the odds of making a marriage to a lesbian work (or a bi-sexual woman who "needs" the touch of a female), you're kind of fighting an up-hill battle. I'd think exactly the same thing if you were a woman, married to a guy who's either bi or homosexual...
> 
> ...


I would never want anything other than a 100% committed marraige. Thats why i evaluated myself and just focused on being a better man for my future wife and children. Relationships are hard enough but her emotional issues are clearly just the tip of the iceberg. There have always been signs but no one is perfect I wanted to work through them, learn, and make us a better couple. But this jsut seems to be a little too much. Had she come to me i think i could have at least talked, now i just feel betrayed. And when i talk to her now i just read into everything looking for lies. I would not want to put someone through that either


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

simple sum zero quiz...

"if you knew what you know today, would you want to marry this women?"

If your answer in anything other than Yes, the only other question is how f*ucking fast can you get out of this?


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Postpone that wedding quick, that is the least of what I can say. 

You have a dude sending her messages, she's being secretive sayings she needs to be with a woman, you two have already talked about 3somes, you've got a cheating history in your past. This has disaster written all over it.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

i found out my hub cheated on me with his ex girlfriend the first year of the relationship... 15 years later hes at it again.. and hes probably done it off and on and I haven't been clued into it. Get out before you end up like me.. 15 years later crying in front of a computer moniter wondering wtf i'm gonna do.....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Are you afraid that if and when you expose the truth that she will try to make you feel guilty by bringing up your past as a serial cheater?

If that is what you fear then rest assured that it would be typical cheating spouse behavior. Just read any of the threads on this forum and you'll see for yourself that this is a very common theme.

As some other poster has already stated, once they are exposed many cheaters act like cornered animals, lash out and try to turn the tables on those they betrayed by using things from their past in order to justify their betrayal.

It seems that you have not forgiven yourself for your past sins but hopefully one day you will. However this does not give those you haven't hurt, the right to use your past for their personal gain and that includes your unfaithful fiancee.


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## Franklin Tank (Oct 18, 2010)

i think a few of these people are freaking out about THEIR previous relationships. lol. Just cause you cheated before doesnt mean you will cheat again. The "theory" of the "serial cheater" is flawed and bias to that poster. Heres why. If i stole a candy bar at age 9 would it be fair that every day for the rest of my life before breakfast someone take a belt and hit my hand as punishment. I think not. Same with this situation. Just cause you "cheated" however little doesnt mean that you should be punished for life. I dont think that appleducklings is gonna come to your house and spank you for doing bad on an earlier relationship. if you did not cheat on your fiance like you said then your already forgiven. That being said I dont think your relationship is starting off very good with the lies and deception. This ones a though one. Theres always the most basic answer. Talk to her about what you found out about her and tell her before you talk that you wont judge her and that your very open to the discussion. Thats all i have. Good luck.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

morituri said:


> Are you afraid that if and when you expose the truth that she will try to make you feel guilty by bringing up your past as a serial cheater?
> 
> If that is what you fear then rest assured that it would be typical cheating spouse behavior. Just read any of the threads on this forum and you'll see for yourself that this is a very common theme.
> 
> ...



Your right I probably havent forgiven myself but thats only as a reminder. I suppose I will handle this either tonight or tomorrow i just want to have a clear head going into it


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You are both not ready for marriage at all. Don't do it. Break up, go your separate ways.

Frankly, I don't believe that you broke up with your other exs and they all insisted that you cheated on them because of it. Can't fool this girl. You admit to cheating on here and then made a story up when you weren't supported.

Being a "christian forum" has nothing to do with the politeness or kindness of the forum's people. Some of the cruelest people I knew were "christians". I had no idea this was a "christian forum" though...where did you see that? And really, if you expect to be treated with undieing kindness because someone is "christian", then you're expecting the wrong thing for the wrong reason.

There are no miracles here. Break up. Go your separate ways. Marriage is hard work, and you're working over time already just to stay together before the marriage. Marriage won't help your situation and it won't stop her from going elsewhere, and it won't stop you either.

Save yourself some cash and dump her before you put yourself in debt over a wedding, and even more in debt with divorce.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> Frankly, I don't believe that you broke up with your other exs and they all insisted that you cheated on them because of it. Can't fool this girl. You admit to cheating on here and then made a story up when you weren't supported..


LOL



JazzTango2Step said:


> Being a "christian forum" has nothing to do with the politeness or kindness of the forum's people. Some of the cruelest people I knew were "christians". I had no idea this was a "christian forum" though..



Me neither. Is it?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

:scratchhead::scratchhead:


Jellybeans said:


> LOL
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> LOL
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I have no idea! But it burnt my tartar sauce when he said that he thought it was a christian forum, so we should obviously give him a break. Bah humbug. Nothing I hate more than someone using religion to expect better treatment for their poor actions.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm an atheist. Never got the sense that this was a "Christian forum," just people with similar hurts doing what they can to support each other, irrespective of - ah - spiritual differences.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> Nothing I hate more than someone using religion to expect better treatment for their poor actions.


LOL


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I did laugh at this comment: 



brayln said:


> . I didnt realize Jesus worked the forums, your excellence please teach me how to be perfect like you


JC is probably rolling his eyes at this comment as he goes to update his FB page :rofl:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jesus was a virgin. Bad advice.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

I have no reason to make up any story for anyone here. My past is just that the only reason i deflected from it was that no one was offering any assitance with my current situation. Having never gone through anything like this I naturally wanted honest opinions on how to go forward.

My belief that this was a christian forum was not get any special treatment but get that perspective. I believe in forgiveness but i also beleive in right or wrong. 

If your marraige has failed or experienced what I am going through Im sorry but with that common ground I was hoping to get some sound advice. Not a critique of my past that really has nothing to do with where I am today. 

I am ready for marraige because i am willing to find fault in myself and put in the work to correct it. 

I know alot of you are bitter a$$holes from your own experiences, fine if it makes you feel better to rip into me when I am trying to do better. Good luck , unfortunately for you, your bitterness is a result of your past which did not involve me. Its really just kind of pathetic that so many of you cant look past 1 freakin comment that i made in my post. I never requested sympathy, only advice on how to confront and ultimately move on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't think people are ripping into you. I for one am baffled why you think you deserve this and then get mad when someone essentially agrees with you. Pick a side to be on. Either you are a bad person or you're not. What do YOU think?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

We are giving you our "sound" advice, whether some posters are religious or not. We are all different here and everyone has had a lot of experience so that's where the advice we are giving is based on.

I don't think anyone will appreciate your "bitter a-hole" comment but whatevs. 

With that said, your story is that you are engaged to someone who is actively pursuing sex on the internets with both men and women and you're engaged, and she is covering it up/lying to you about it. 

Most of the advice here has been to not get married because we can see the accident on the highway already that you are driving right into. We're telling you to take a detour but if you want to keep traveling down that road, it's your choice. The chances of the accident being cleared up by the time you reach the site are very slim--it's more likely you're going to run straight into it. 

Good luck, either way.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ignore the posters who treat you like dirt. 

Funny thing is their posts are not as accusatory when it comes to cheaters of their own gender.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't think people are ripping into you. I for one am baffled why you think you deserve this and then get mad when someone essentially agrees with you. Pick a side to be on. Either you are a bad person or you're not. What do YOU think?


Fair enough perhaps I was not completely clear in the OP because I was probably a bit emotional. I guess what i was expecting was whether or not due to my past actions I should look at this and be willing to forgive, or if this was unforgiveable.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> We are giving you our "sound" advice, whether some posters are religious or not. We are all different here and everyone has had a lot of experience so that's where the advice we are giving is based on.
> 
> I don't think anyone will appreciate your "bitter a-hole" comment but whatevs.
> 
> ...


I appreciate that type of advice. But I would like to correct your statement, she is only pursuing sex with women. I get that I need to stop this thing right now and as I have said I appreciate those who gave real advice. My comment about the jerks were for people who read my one comment and then started typing, and making light of what is a true horror. This was my first engagement, and I hoped it would be my only


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

morituri said:


> Ignore the posters who treat you like dirt.
> 
> Funny thing is their posts are not as accusatory when it comes to cheaters of their own gender.


Touche'


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There aren't things which on their own are unforgivable. People forgive people. If your partner won't or can't forgive you, that's their deal. Some people don't have it in them to forgive. I hold grudges for a LONNNNNNG time. That's me. Other people aren't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brayln said:


> I appreciate that type of advice. But I would like to correct your statement, she is only pursuing sex with women.


Noted. Well the thing is, she is still looking for sex outside your relationship while you are engaged to be married. And that is a problem. So like Anthony Hopkins said in "Speed"--What are you gonna do?


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> There aren't things which on their own are unforgivable. People forgive people. If your partner won't or can't forgive you, that's their deal. Some people don't have it in them to forgive. I hold grudges for a LONNNNNNG time. That's me. Other people aren't.


You absolutely have that right, but to have a grudge with someones actions that have never even impacted your life? Seems a bit odd to me, sure have your opinion but to each his own.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Cheating can be forgivable - with a lot of work from both parties. There is no magic pill. Ignoring it does not make it go away.

What you have here, though, is more than "just" cheating in an established marriage. You have a history of cheating. You have a fiancee who is confused about her sexuality and cheating on you during your engagement. You have a deep fear of confrontation/ conflict.

None of these are good signs for a lasting, fulfilling, happy relationship - they are the opposite. They are those train bars coming down and attempting to stop you from crossing the tracks before you get creamed.

Again, if you are determined to continue this path, then you both need to get into counseling *now*, and you need to postpone the wedding until you both know what it is you really *want*, and are *willing to accept*, from this relationship. I do not say this to be mean; I say it because it is true.

Step back from the defensiveness a bit and take the breadcrumbs we are trying to give you. If you do not change the underlying situation now, you will find yourself right back here in a few years -only with years of investment and maybe a couple of kids.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Noted. Well the thing is, she is still looking for sex outside your relationship while you are engaged to be married. And that is a problem. So like Anthony Hopkins said in "Speed"--What are you gonna do?


I suppose the confrontation is imminent at this point. I know people said there is no reason to delay it but today just doesnt work for me. Im thinking Saturday morning or tomorrow after work. Im sure she will flip and I want to be there in case she goes nuts breaking stuff.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> Cheating can be forgivable - with a lot of work from both parties. There is no magic pill. Ignoring it does not make it go away.
> 
> What you have here, though, is more than "just" cheating in an established marriage. You have a history of cheating. You have a fiancee who is confused about her sexuality and cheating on you during your engagement. You have a deep fear of confrontation/ conflict.
> 
> ...



agreed, but i have no problem with confrontation, just this one. A confrontation that is followed by me leaving her in the house with my valuables which are pretty much all im going to have after this weekend is not a good combination. She broke my smaller flat screen last time she got mad....who does that. After she is exposed I will come home and everything will be destroyed. Im thinking I will pack up alot of my stuff for safety first


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why did she break your TV?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

brayln said:


> agreed, but i have no problem with confrontation, just this one. A confrontation that is followed by me leaving her in the house with my valuables which are pretty much all im going to have after this weekend is not a good combination. She broke my smaller flat screen last time she got mad....who does that. After she is exposed I will come home and everything will be destroyed. *Im thinking I will pack up alot of my stuff for safety first*


Good idea on packing your stuff first before you confront her.

Now this new revelation shows that she has anger management issues as well. How nice, it seems that you've got a real 'winner' on your hands.:scratchhead:


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why did she break your TV?


Really dont remember it was just a basic argument but she was REALLY pissed started throwing stuff, i was terrified never seen her that mad. She threw something at it and it shattered the screen, she also knocked eggs out of my hand and took out a picture frame. Shes just been getting increasingly short tempered


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

morituri said:


> Good idea on packing your stuff first before you confront her.
> 
> Now this new revelation shows that she has anger management issues as well. How nice, it seems that you've got a real 'winner' on your hands.:scratchhead:


Well i never claimed to be perfect so I wanted to accept her flaws and all. I think its a blessing to have someone even willing to love you so I wasnt going to judge when i myself have lots to work on


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Um, yeah, not cool about her breaking stuff just cause she was pissy.

Big red flags are waving.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Adding violence to the pile of issues makes the problems exponentially worse. This one is really not what I would call a "keeper."


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> Adding violence to the pile of issues makes the problems exponentially worse. This one is really not what I would call a "keeper."


I hear you, its just hard not to feel guilty


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

brayln said:


> I hear you, its just hard not to feel guilty


Guilty for what? None of us are perfect and our past may not be something to gloat about, but NOBODY deserves to be lied to, cheated on and physically assaulted. Open your eyes man.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

brayln said:


> You absolutely have that right, but to have a grudge with someones actions that have never even impacted your life? Seems a bit odd to me, sure have your opinion but to each his own.


Yeah it's not rational. So? Neither is screaming at the TV.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

morituri said:


> Ignore the posters who treat you like dirt.
> 
> Funny thing is their posts are not as accusatory when it comes to cheaters of their own gender.


I don't support cheating. Ever. Regardless of gender. 

Brayln not as innocent as he's trying to be in this situation. If he was, he wouldn't be so defensive. He's shady and I really don't have sympathy for shadiness. 

However, I think he needs to follow everyones advice and separate with the girl. I stand on my previous statement that neither are ready for marriage and its time to call it quits and move on.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> I don't support cheating. Ever. Regardless of gender.
> 
> Brayln not as innocent as he's trying to be in this situation. If he was, he wouldn't be so defensive. He's shady and I really don't have sympathy for shadiness.
> 
> However, I think he needs to follow everyones advice and separate with the girl. I stand on my previous statement that neither are ready for marriage and its time to call it quits and move on.


Bravo. Now why don't you go and give the same harsh medicine to the female poster who wrote the following:



purrhotstuff said:


> I'm not sure if this should be in this side of the forum or in sex in marriage. I apologize if I posted incorrectly :scratchhead:
> 
> Hi all. I've been married to my DH for 5 years and together with him for 7.5 years. No PAs or EAs for the both of us.
> 
> ...



*Here's the link Former cheater having fantasies of cheating + reliving old memories*


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Accept the reality of your situation. 

You will lose her the way you found her.....on the internet.

She's cheating on a cheater. You both deserve each other. 

You are both doomed. Why? Because in order to have a happy long term marriage you both need to be happy in yourselves before you can be happy as a couple.

She's not happy....she's looking for more than you can provide....on the net,

Your'e not happy because she's cheating. 

So there you have your reality. Accept it, or change it. 

Stop the wedding and sort yourselves out by making yourselves happy.

You are about to learn what its like to have your heart broken by a cheater. It's painful.

You might rescue this but, youre entering into a marriage with no trust and if you do move forward with it you'll be worrying about more than just your valuables! Instead in the future you may be left holding the baby/ies ... quite literally. Or worse, your future kids might end up in care because two people are so wrapped up in themselves and unresolved issues that your kids may end up with a volatile, uncertain future.

Grab the bull by the horns and tell her the marriage is off, you know what's going on. Either she commits fully to you with part of that going to seek help:- 

1) for her anger - throwing things about
2) for counselling individually and for you both to sort
3) write down what you want out of life - her too
4) pull the individual wants out of life ..and discuss what each of you are prepared to sacrifice in order to be together.


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## brayln (Apr 20, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Accept the reality of your situation.
> 
> You will lose her the way you found her.....on the internet.
> 
> ...


Fair enough


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