# The Big Big Picture...This infidelity battle is not one size fits all is it?



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

If you are on this forum you are tied to infidelity somehow. It is a journey I don't believe is planned at the time of marriage by the DS or LS. It is outright awful to experience.

I agree in No contact, comittment to the marriage and showing that by the DS. Also the DS needs to show remorse and I feel the DS should ask for forgiveness. 
I agree with the process on Affaicare an MB website for a strategy

*But:* Then when all seems to not be going well and you do a 180, you think outside your box your comfort zone. You slow down and breathe and decide to let it go and just maybe allow things to happen for a while is it possible that aproach may allow for improvement.

I am thinking in the context of parenting, we the LS I feel are forced into the simulated position of almost playing the role of a "parent" to our spouse. At least in my case my W was, and still is acting at time more like a teenager than an adult. Acting rebellious not wanting to do anything she was told to being selfish. Outright telling me that the more she is told to do something the less she wants to. Wanting only for herself disregarding things she once cared for making irrational decisions. (that behavior is fading)


With that being said it has made me consider what I want for myself, my children my family. The big picture of my life and hers including childhood, teenage, single adult and our married life events. I have considered factors that contribute to a spouse ending up the DS, I debate myself wether or not it is worth it.

I could go on but i will get to my question. The "fog" changes your spouse into this Alien this crazy person you recognize but their behavior is completly different. Now if you know your spouses core personality and you see them as needing the psych ward, is it then the time where you ( case by case to each his own) must decide which course of action best suits the situation?

So to make it a question:
Is the hardliner my way or the highway course of action the only way to go?
Is catching more bees with honey the way to go?
Is this a flowing process where depending on the individuals you may choose blind faith putting the cart before the horse in order to make progress?

And what has worked for you?

" I may not get over this but I will get through it! "


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't reason with a wayward. Especially one that is actively pursuing and involved with an affair. You cannot save a marriage or relationship if those things are happening. 

I think the worst of those options listed is "catching more bees with honey."

People shouldn't be rewarded for bad behavior. If someone is having an affair and you call them out on it and they continue, they DO NOT have your best interest. They have unilaterally decided your relationship is an "open relationship."

Affairs should not be left alone. Every month they continue, an emotional attachment is being built, harder to get away from. 

I firmly believe that a "hardline" stance is the only way. It shows the wayward that you:

1. have dignity
2. have self-respect
3. aren't going to tolerate an open marriage
4. there will be consequences if the A continues.

If you do all of that and the wayward still wants out and still chooses the affair, then you should move on. It takes TWO to make a marriage. One person alone cannot rebuild/restore/save a marriage.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with jellybean, 
It has to be two people willing to put in the effort to have a better marriage.........
One thing I know is that we all want it to happen and be better NOW the impatience of it all being in limbo land drives us crazy, we all just want our lives back when it was a comfortable place to be....
Your best plan is to only think of the day in front of you, work on filling each other's emotional needs 
1.Affection
2.Conversation
3. Sexual fulfillment
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Admiration
Setting up boundaries to protect yourselves from any outside interference is crucial and being open and honest with each other.
With all these things taking place over time the good will over ride the bad and it will just become a happy way of life for both of you...........
let the past go, you can't change that, and don't worry about the future that will take care of itself as the good days pass.
And lastly make it the most important thing in your life, live each day like it was your last one together.......
jessi


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I like that jessi thanks. I started this post because my thinking has been different and I feel like I am looking at my whole situation as an observer so I was seeking other and any viewpoints
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimT (Mar 25, 2011)

Although there are many fairly firm principles to follow in healing from an affair (Jellybean's "You can't reason with a wayward" being one of them), there really is no one single recovery strategy to follow to assure success in your situation. One size does not fit all. Although I believe that every client I see has the absolute right to walk away from their cheating spouse at the moment an affair is revealed, there are some who choose to hang in there and wait for a while to see if/when change is going to come. And if they're doing this for the right reasons, it's a healthy choice! It can't be done with any sense of manipulation (If I'm good enough, he'll love me again), but it is still the choice that some make... for a time.

In the end, you will have to deal with choices that define what a "healthy you" looks like, and the answers to that may move you toward your marriage, or away from it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

disbelief said:


> If you are on this forum you are tied to infidelity somehow.


Actually I look at TAM as a whole. I don't use the subgroups at all. I just go to New Posts. So you may be getting answers from people who have no experience with infidelity. Keep that in mind.


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