# How to stop loving and caring temporarily



## Candy04 (May 31, 2015)

So my husband is having an affair and it's breaking my heart. He asks me for 3 weeks more, saying it will be all over by then as she is moving away. He says that he doesn't want to break out family. Says he got in a tangle mess he is having trouble letting go. 

I am trying to give him the time he asks- please don't judge. My question is how do I move on? How do I learn not to care without being unfaithful? How do I harden my heart and distance myself? I need to do this for my sanity and emotional health. Also to preserve the love I have for him. Also I think that it will be better for a- he doesn't break up and we separate/divorce. And B- when he is ready to be the husband he can earn me back. 

I know my value- I am smart, financially can be very independent, I am good looking, and have a nice body. 

The issue is I still love him, I am very forgiving, very empathic, and extremely understanding. I know he is been a selfish prick, but I also see where he stands. So I endure but now after months of this I feel like I cannot any longer. So how do I turn off these qualities to move on? Or what do I need to do to detach myself temporarily? Yes temporarily, I do want to keep my family together but I the same time I want to not hurt, and I want him to earn us back and mend things. I know it's stupid to trust someone who has betrayed me so deeply. But I feel that he is been honest and although not easy to hear I feel that I at least have that while he lies to her. Twisted I know.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I not going to tell you how to turn off your emotions. I'm going to ask you this though, so what happens when he has another affair and another? You know he will because all he has to do is give a bull**** excuse. You are telling him that he can do whatever he wants without consequences. That you will take him back whatever he does to you. I'm sorry I can't believe that you are just accepting this bad behavior from your husband. You really need to find your strength and not be so weak.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Candy04 said:


> So my husband is having an affair and it's breaking my heart. He asks me for 3 weeks more, saying it will be all over by then as she is moving away. He says that he doesn't want to break out family. Says he got in a tangle mess he is having trouble letting go.
> 
> I am trying to give him the time he asks- please don't judge. My question is how do I move on? How do I learn not to care without being unfaithful? How do I harden my heart and distance myself? I need to do this for my sanity and emotional health. Also to preserve the love I have for him. Also I think that it will be better for a- he doesn't break up and we separate/divorce. And B- when he is ready to be the husband he can earn me back.
> 
> ...


Why are you giving him three more weeks? That is ludicrous.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The way to start to turn off your emotions temporarily is for you to start interacting with him according to the 180 for betrayed spouses (see link in my signature block below). 

The benefit of this is that if he comes back into the marriage you can then work with him for the marital recovery that you want. If he does not you are well on your way to handle moving on without him.

If he does come back to the marriage, you are going to have to set a very hard line on what you will and will not tolerate. If you don't, he will do as others on here have said, he will keep having affairs because you have already given him tacit approval to have affairs and treat your horribly with gross disrespect. So you are going to have to set strong boundaries and enforce them.

If you do not do this, he will maintain contact with her even if she does move. With basically free long distance, email and the internet they can easily continue an affair for years. We see people here do this all the time.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone? You need to. 

You need to insist that he write her a no contact letter. These letters have a specific format. They are about how much he has done something horrible to YOU. He cannot mention how he's sorry he's hurt her or how he loves her. Its not ending the affair in one fell swoop. It's about your marriage and you. He writes it and you mail/email it to her (from his email account). 

Here are some Sample No Contact Letters | AFFAIRCARE

Keep up the 180 until he's written the no contact letter and you have emailed/mailed it with him.

Then he has to give you access and passwords to every one of his online accounts, emails, etc.

I also required that my husband allow for a keystroke monitor to be put on his computer. If he ever went around it or uninstalled it, I let him know that it was the end of our marriage. (we are now divorced... for many reasons.. one being that after a few years he started with on-line affairs and inappropriate relationships/behaviors. But I knew about it because of the keystroke monitor)

He will have to the hard work to prove to you that he can be trusted. It's a long road. It takes a betrayed spouse 2-5 years to recover from an affair.

There are more things that you need to require from him. For example he needs to figure out what is broken in him that caused him to choose to have an affair... what is broken in him that he felt that it was ok to do this? Why didn't he come to you and talk to you about marital issues. Why didn't he tell you that he was emotionally weak and/or missing something? It's probably because he just wanted something and decided that it would be great to have it.. like stealing a piece of chocolate cake. He probably thought that you would never find out.

Most men who have affairs love their wives. Many have good marriages. They just think that they are entitled to screw around and what their wife does not know will not hurt her. Then some end up emotionally attached to the affair partner. Most drop the affair like a hot potato when their wife finds out.

By the way, is his affair partner married? Does he work with her? What do you know about her?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think I could get past what you are dealing with, OP. I think I would expose him at least to family and close friends, especially as you do not need his financial support. It is amazing what the power of transparency can do. Very healing for you, and for him, too, ultimately. He won't be able to escape himself anymore.

If he is truly sorry and changes his ways, you can see if you want to take him back. But it will be good for you to see that you can survive, and thrive, without him.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Why you would give him anything but walking papers is beyond me. What you wrote is hard to process. You say you know your value but Apparently you don't or you would never tolerate this. He is breaking his vows and promises. You need to get in some counseling ASAP and find out why your self esteem is so low this seems tolerable to you. He has zero respect for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Rather than seeking ways to turn off the love you feel for him, how can you turn on the love and respect you should feel for yourself? Don't you deserve to be loved, respected, to have a partner at least as committed as you are? Regarding him, don't you love what he used to be or what you believe he might someday be? Do you really love the way he is at the present? I wouldn't want my daughter treated in this manner.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should put your energy into someone that loves you. You need to quit pu$$yfooting around and get on with life.

Besides, even if things workout like you hope, there is no putting this evil genie back in the bottle. Over time each little thing he is doing will work on your psyche. Your romance with him is over, all that's left now is to clean up the mess and go look for your future husband.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm wondering if the husband is abusive. Not physically but mentally and she doesn't even realize it. It's just something normal in their marriage. Her self-esteem and self worth are at zero.


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## Candy04 (May 31, 2015)

@Elegirl - you didn't post the link to the 180. I would love to follow this as that's exactly what I would like to do. Can you please send it to me??

Yes they meet at work. They are both interns (doctors) and we're working 75 hours a week together. That's how they develop their emotional connection. They "feel in love" and moved to a physical months later. Yes she is married too and has a daughter. I did expose her to her hubby after they continued the affair. At that point her husband left with their daughter. I also did tell his mom and my sister and hubby. 

In regards to if he will do this again. I know there is a higher chance since he has done it once. But he says he will be getting the help (professional) that's necessary to prevent this. Also said that if he ever feels like he has a chemical reaction to someone else he will cut all contact- one he doesn't like hurting me, 2 he doesn't like feeling needy and addicted to someone else. He also wants to work on his selfish streak. Realizes he is extremely selfish. I would like to give him the chance to prove himself to us. But I do know I need to be in the "180" state that you mentioned to get there or be able to move on if he doesn't. 

Yes I'll have him email her that letter. His cut off day is the 24th of this month. 

To be perfectly honest I also feel a litter safer that he does this then than before as she is a little crazy, and I am afraid of her reaction. Ex; threathen to call the cops on him because he didn't answer her calls and texts after she received an anonymous call that said he was using her for her car and that we weren't divorcing (he is using her husband's car and I am using his since I shipped my car back to the mainland). Other example is he mentioned the reason he fell in love with me and she rolled the windows down and threw their food out the window. Another one is she threatened to report him to the command (both in army) because he didn't do something she wanted. So I think my family would be safer that he tells her the truth, as he is mentioning it to me, after she leaves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His asking/bargaining for more time with his affair partner is not usual. 

The OP's response to her husband's affair is not unusual. It does not mean that she has no self esteem/worth. It means that she's a woman caught in a bad situation and is trying to figure out what to do. She needs time to come to a resolution.

Keep in mind that a lot of marriages are recovered after an affair. A lot go on to be better marriages than they were before because both spouses become more open with each other.

Also, most WS do not give up the affair immediately upon being discovered. It often takes a bit of time before they drop the affair... before reality hits them. The affair fog buffers them from the reality of the hurt they are causing for a while. IT also makes them believe that they can have the affair and their spouse. But most affairs do end after discovery. And most marriages do recover.

What I see as Candy04's big issue here is that she is, in her confusion, giving in to this request of a 3 week free-play time for her husband. She needs to let him know that she's not ok with this. Her verbally expressing this to him would be a good idea. Then she starts interacting with him according to the 180.. but she does not tell him that this is what she is doing (otherwise he'll just think she is game playing). She pulls away from him to let him know that he's lose her unless he drops the affair.

I also think it would help her a lot to expose the affair. If the OW is married, telling her husband will most likely lead to the OW dropping the affair to save her own marriage. If she is not married, telling her family about it would help put pressure on her to end it.

Candy needs some time here and she needs to learn what works.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Sure you can have 3 weeks and I'm assuming you're fine if I sleep with someone else during that time as well?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

This is so sad and it hurt my heart. I know i do not know you candy, but it was hard to read. Give him 3 weeks and shes going.....???. So in those 3 weeks he can still see her and sleep with her?. Then when she leaves hes just going to come back and settle with you?. Until of course the next one comes along. Please please please have some respect for yourself. I do not say that being harsh by the way, but hes treating and treated you so badly. How will you trust him again? Do you think hes going to be faithful to you?.

I know you love him, but if he really loved and thought the same for you he would not be having an affair with anyone. I am not really sure how your going to move on from this, and if i was you i would not want to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some more info:
How long have you two been married?
Do you have children?
Do you work outside the home?


Candy04 said:


> @Elegirl - you didn't post the link to the 180. I would love to follow this as that's exactly what I would like to do. Can you please send it to me??


The link is in my signature block at the end of my post.. it’s in blue like most links are. Perhaps you are on a device that does not see display the signature blocks? So here is it just in case.

The Healing Heart: The 180


Candy04 said:


> Yes they meet at work. They are both interns (doctors) and we're working 75 hours a week together. That's how they develop their emotional connection. They "feel in love" and moved to a physical months later. Yes she is married too and has a daughter. I did expose her to her hubby after they continued the affair. At that point her husband left with their daughter. I also did tell his mom and my sister and hubby.


Ah.. my first husband is a doctor. This is what he did through medical school, internship and residency… one affair after another. It’s ramped in the medical field. 

Ok so you have done the exposing and it’s not helped. Sorry about that. 

Tell me, how is he paying for his medical education? Is he relying on you to support him?


Candy04 said:


> In regards to if he will do this again. I know there is a higher chance since he has done it once. But he says he will be getting the help (professional) that's necessary to prevent this. Also said that if he ever feels like he has a chemical reaction to someone else he will cut all contact- one he doesn't like hurting me, 2 he doesn't like feeling needy and addicted to someone else. He also wants to work on his selfish streak. Realizes he is extremely selfish. I would like to give him the chance to prove himself to us. But I do know I need to be in the "180" state that you mentioned to get there or be able to move on if he doesn't.


I can see giving him one chance. You are aware of course that all these promises he’s making are probably just hot air right now. It’s a way to make himself feel better about what he’s doing. Actually doing all that work is, well hard work. Most people who cheat do not repeat. But it’s not something that you can just depend on. Is he a person who is good with words and usually knows just the right thing to say?


Candy04 said:


> Yes I'll have him email her that letter. His cut off day is the 24th of this month.


Once it’s emailed, keep a close eye on him to see if he actually does end contact. Sometimes it just drives the affair more underground. There is a good evidence thread around here that will help you know how to look for things. Just search on the work “evidence” in the thread title.



Candy04 said:


> To be perfectly honest I also feel a litter safer that he does this then than before as she is a little crazy, and I am afraid of her reaction. Ex; threathen to call the cops on him because he didn't answer her calls and texts after she received an anonymous call that said he was using her for her car and that we weren't divorcing (he is using her husband's car and I am using his since I shipped my car back to the mainland). Other example is he mentioned the reason he fell in love with me and she rolled the windows down and threw their food out the window. Another one is she threatened to report him to the command (both in army) because he didn't do something she wanted. So I think my family would be safer that he tells her the truth, as he is mentioning it to me, after she leaves.


What was she going to tell the command if she reported him? Does the command know that they are having an affair? Sometimes an Army command will look the other way with affairs, especially between highly desired members like doctors. But once it starts causing trouble all hell hits. If she reports him, the affair becomes even more public. The both of them could be kicked out of the Army or seriously reprimanded. Doesn’t she know this? Why would the command even care if he’s answering her calls and texts?

How do you know she made these threats and that she threw their food out the car window? Were you there? Did you see it? Did she mention these things in an email that you read? If you heard it from him, it could be fabrication that he is using to justify his affair. If you read it in an email between them, it could me misinformation that they have concocted to play you so that they can continue their affair. Sorry to sound paranoid but people who cheat are liars. That is what cheating it all about. They will do anything and lie about anything to continue and hide details of the affair.

You can present them with absolute evidence of things related to the infidelity and they will deny it, concoct stories to refute it. They will turn it around and blame their spouse.

We’ve seen cases here where men tell their wives that the OW’s husband will kill her if he finds out so they have to continue the affair or protect her (when this is not true at all.) OR OW/OM is dying from cancer (or fill in some other awful fatal diseases) and so it would be cruel to end the affair right now. 

One that my second husband used was that the OW was pregnant (by someone else) and he was the only support she had because her family disowned her when she got pregnant. What a tragedy, right? I called her and told her to back off or she would see the wrath of God. My husband was already seeing that wrath, I felt she needed to see it too. (No I’m not crazy, just do not mess with me.)

We’ve seen people tell their spouse that the OW/OM is crazy and dangerous so they are trapped in the affair and such poor victims (sound familiar to you?)…. Then it turns out to be a lie.

At this point it is best to not trust anything coming out of his mouth. He has a long way to go to prove to you that he can be trusted ever again.

Protect your family (I am assuming you have children and it's not just you.) He caused this mess. He can end it. 

If she continues to be a threat, insist that he tell her that he will file harassment charges against her. Make sure that he keeps all text messages, emails and other correspondence from her. And make sure that he stops incriminating himself.

and do the 180


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> Sure you can have 3 weeks and I'm assuming you're fine if I sleep with someone else during that time as well?


Yep.. point.

I hope that Candy will tell her husband that there is no sex with her until after recovery starts. That means after the affair is over (in 3 weeks or sooner). After the no contact letter is sent. After they have had several marriage counseling sessions and they do some work....

Like working through the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Of course Candy can decide when to start up a sex life again. She needs to be in control of this. But until the affair ends she should not be having sex with him. She also needs to get STD tested.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

You obviously love him a lot. I've been there. But think about this: why are you allowing his behavior to dictate yours? What do YOU want out of this marriage? I'm pretty sure you deserve a heck of a lot more than a deadline to his affairs. You deserve someone who is faithful. As to keeping him, despite the fact that most women wouldn't want to keep a faithless husband, consider this - now that you have allowed this affair, what's to stop him from having another? Sure, he says he would never, but I'm sure at some point before you discovered this affair, he probably said he'd never cheat on you. And look how that turned out. You deserve more. Believe it, say it to yourself. Heck, say it to him. 

Start to distance yourself - rekindle old friendships, work out, start a new hobby, see a movie you've been dying to see. Don't beg. Don't interact except the bare minimum with him. Watch how fast he does a double take when he sees you gaining some self respect. Please, please don't let this man convince you that you in any way deserve to be cheated on. You can seriously do better.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You have every right to live your life and manage your relationship however you want. Some things to think about though:

If he is not only having an affair, but is asking you to sit by while it goes on longer, it seems to me that this could likely happen again and again. If you are OK with that, I think you would be better having an "open" relationship so he doesn't have to lie to you. If you are not OK with it, how will you feel when in happens again.

His wanting to extend an affair once he has been found out is really unusual. Is there some (I can't imagine what) reasonable explanation, or does he have no respect at all for your feelings.

You love him. If he is willing to hurt you like this, does he love you?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Candy04 said:


> So my husband is having an affair and it's breaking my heart. He asks me for 3 weeks more, saying it will be all over by then as she is moving away. He says that he doesn't want to break out family. Says he got in a tangle mess he is having trouble letting go.
> 
> I am trying to give him the time he asks- please don't judge. My question is how do I move on? How do I learn not to care without being unfaithful? How do I harden my heart and distance myself? I need to do this for my sanity and emotional health. Also to preserve the love I have for him. Also I think that it will be better for a- he doesn't break up and we separate/divorce. And B- when he is ready to be the husband he can earn me back.
> 
> *I know my value- I am smart, financially can be very independent, I am good looking, and have a nice body.*


...and yet no self-respect. Or, at the very least, so little that you're willing to put up his bullsh*t.

I mean... COME ON -- all you're teaching him by putting up w/ his bullsh*t is that _you're willing to put up w/ his bullsh*t._

And I'm sure that information will come in real handy when he's ready to have his next affair. And that's assuming that he even plans on dropping OW, which is highly doubtful.



Candy04 said:


> The issue is I still love him, I am very forgiving, very empathic, and extremely understanding. I know he is been a selfish prick, but I also see where he stands. So I endure but now after months of this I feel like I cannot any longer. So how do I turn off these qualities to move on? Or what do I need to do to detach myself temporarily? Yes temporarily, I do want to keep my family together but I the same time I want to not hurt, and I want him to earn us back and mend things. I know it's stupid to trust someone who has betrayed me so deeply. *But I feel that he is been honest and although not easy to hear I feel that I at least have that while he lies to her. Twisted I know.*


Ever consider that it's not her that he's lying to?



Candy04 said:


> @Elegirl - you didn't post the link to the 180. I would love to follow this as that's exactly what I would like to do. Can you please send it to me??
> 
> Yes they meet at work. They are both interns (doctors) and we're working 75 hours a week together. That's how they develop their emotional connection. They "feel in love" and moved to a physical months later. Yes she is married too and has a daughter. I did expose her to her hubby after they continued the affair. At that point her husband left with their daughter. I also did tell his mom and my sister and hubby.
> 
> ...


A cut-off date? AYFKM?


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## Candy04 (May 31, 2015)

Yes I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. 

Yes he is lying to her because he tells her he sleeps in the guest bedroom and we have no intimacy-?whicch we have but will be stopping. 

I do have value myself. I know some ppl don't believe me I just not ready to let go. 

I am currently not working, but can get my a job in a couple of months tops and be ok for me and the kiddos. I am a physician assistant. 

He likes my moral support through residency but financially I currently do not provide as I am not working. 

We have been together for 10 years, married for 4. 

Oh most of the threats I have read- she texts him and I see them- he knows that I see his messages. I have access to all his accounts and texts. She says these things and then she is happy. Think she might have a borderline personality disorder


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well this is one of the biggest train wrecks I have ever heard of. Why don't you just get off now? 

Do you have any self worth?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

So not only has your husband disrespected you and your marriage but he has also put you and your precious children in danger, if this woman is as crazy as you portray. AND he wants to continue the affair until the 24th. He sounds like a real winner.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he has all the threats in text and email, he has ammo to end the affair now if he is really afraid of her being nuts.

All he has to do it to threaten to turn the all over the to their commander. Yes it will hurt both of them and thus you. But I doubt that she would want to do down that path.

IF he was really afraid of her he could tell her that you are going to do this. So he has to lay low for a 3 weeks until she leaves. Then he can work on moving to where she is. 

There are all kinds of ways he could end this affair.

You need to be careful. You really do not know what's going on. 

When is your husband scheduled to leave his current assignment?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Problem is...if she is really that nutso, then I don't see her being able to sustain any longterm success, as she will likely sabotage it, so there is a high chance of her coming back into your lives...not to mention the high degree of emotional/physical dependence that they have created between each other...the communication between them will certainly not end. 

H may be telling you and himself that he will be able to call it quits after this, but he has not yet experienced the soul-crushing despair of affair withdrawal. He may currently choose to stay in the marriage, but he will not be emotionally present for some time...or ever.

I honestly don't think there is any mental preparation you can do to protect yourself from the present and persistent trauma that H is asking that you undergo for his selfishness. In fact, you are doing all that you can right now to salvage this because it is very common to endure trauma and seek safety...seek to find solace in the dream of what marriage once represented to you: sanctuary. However, once these three weeks end...and he returns, moping like a sadsick puppy with his tail between his legs, you are going to feel a huge mix of emotions as you begin to grieve and process what had been stolen from you. You may quickly find that your marriage is not providing that feeling of sanctuary and you will be on edge for a long time. However, you will reexperience trauma each and every time you learn new info or discover that H is still in contact with OW...or when he exhibits fishy, behind your back, behavior.

The goal then, I think, is not to sublimate what is going on, but be very courageous to face it for what it is...be able to speak it aloud that "yes, this is real and it is happening...and it is causing me a great deal of pain." Don't go into denial about this or sweep this under the rug. I am not saying that this will be easy, but if your don't set boundaries, then this will surely never go away...either OW will pop back in his life, or never truly leave his life...and somehow YOU will be responsible to deal with all of the fallout while your husband is in bondage to his whims.


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