# Going through rough patch with newly bi wife



## Prof (Aug 3, 2013)

Hi there, 

I was about to post this reply on a thread that was a year old, but realized with really needed my own thread.

Some background: My wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for almost 10. We have a 4 year old little girl who is the most important thing in the world to both of us.

When we were dating we had a threesome with a girl friend of ours that we both knew. She and my wife had flirted a lot before then and frankly I thought it was hot (and so was she). It happened once and was great and there was no damage WTO our relationship or friendship. This was...2005, maybe?

We'd talked about how bringing another girl in would go. The rules were it was all cool so long as I was there. But that was the only time it happened. We were married in 2007 and that girl was actually one of my wife's bridesmaids. 

Cut to about 6 months ago. My wife has a new bestie, and turns out they've been flirting and so we had another threesome, ( though this time I was not really attracted to the girl). After this, my wife tells me she's now DEFINITELY Bi. That's ok with me as long as it's following the rules. 

Well then a couple of months ago, she tells me she's not happy and hasn't been telling me. She hasn't been attracted to me for a couple years now. She thinks I'm a great guy and handsome but there's no animal desire. She wants the freedom to explore a relationship with a woman without me there. She says she has no one lined up or anything. She just wants the option. This would NOT be "just sex" as she doesn't do that. There would have to be an emotional connection for her to have sex. She said she wants a "friend with benefits". However she does NOT want me to have a girlfriend on the side.

Full disclosure, I'm bi curious myself, but have never been with a man. It's just really really rare that I'm attracted to a man, but there have been a couple. 

Her justification for her getting to have a girlfriend but not me is that this is a "side of her she wants to explore" and that's not the case with me and another woman. I'm clear that if I did get permission to be with another guy, that would just be sex. 

I've also asked her if she thinks she might be gay. If she's gay, it's cool. I simply can't provide what she needs in that case. But she's maintained that no, she likes men; she just wants to also explore women.

It all leaves me in limbo and feeling powerless. But in reading another thread from a year ago, I think I'm becoming more clear that what she wants does NOT work for me. I don't want to be relegated to the roommate babysitter and she gets her fun and intimacy elsewhere. I've made that clear that I am no tok with that possibility.

There's more to our marital issues than her being Bi, but that's the big one that I'm dealing with right now. I'd love any input.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Well you screwed up with the threesome thing you can see that right? It kept getting bigger and bigger until know you have a wife that thinks she is entitled to screw around on you. Oh but you have to be faithful.

For some sex is just sex. You my friend are not in that situation. If she has something in the side it WILL develop and then she will live both you and her then you are truly screwed.

Cheating is cheating no matter the sex. And when a person cheats they form bonds that can lead to real love. So what to do?

1. Marriage Counseling 

2. Tell her no more women she either commits "it's a flipping marriage for crying out loud." or you need to look at leaving.

3. Admit you where wrong to go with the threesome idea. You planted a bomb and it exploded.

4. Are you sure she has not already started this?

Being Bi mean you like both sexes not that you have to have both sexes.


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## Prof (Aug 3, 2013)

We actually are in therapy and have been for about 6 weeks now. And in both cases the threesomes were initiated by her, not me. I was fine with it, because it was within our communicated rules, (and would be going forward, actually). So no, I don't see that as a failing. It's just that now she wants to change the rules. While it technically got "bigger and bigger", that was after having one that had zero negative impact and then another 7 or 8 years later. It's hardly a pattern. 

Where I'm at is that I am willing to let her explore her bi-sexuality within the rules we had previously established. If that's a deal breaker for her, then we will be getting divorced. I don't want to break up our family, but I have to set my boundaries and be true to myself.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sexuality aside, from what I see, the biggest issue is respect. She wants what she wants, with little thought to how that affects you. You are her spouse, therefore, you should always come first. If she's not willing to do that, she needs to let you go. Most wedding vows talk about 'forsaking all others' and even in those with open marriages, most of the time, the primary emotional relationship is with the spouse. That's not what she has in mind at all.

I'm not exactly clear on the "rules" you mention above. What are they? Does she know explicitly what they are, and did she explicitly agree to them? If yes to both questions, then you do have to decide if her change is a deal-breaker for you. 

You're the only one who can decide what you will deal with and for how long. She may not change, and you certainly can't force her to. That will backfire, for sure. 

And, FWIW, threesomes, etc., don't even have to be a pattern for them to do damage to a relationship that may not reveal itself til later on. Read TAM long enough, and one can find examples of a 'one time' thing that blew up quite badly, and not right away. 

You are communicating, you're trying counseling, you've stated your boundaries and told her how you feel. That's all you can do right now. The rest is up to her, and then you see if you're OK with it.

Good luck.


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## Prof (Aug 3, 2013)

The rule I mentioned was in my initial post: threesomes are fine as long as I am there. She has stated that she wants the freedom to be with a woman without me there. I've considered it, and it doesn't work for me. 

And to be clear, I have NOT told her that I've come to this decision. She's away for the weekend. I'm going to bring it up in our therapy session next week.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You should read Unsure's thread. He is coping with the same. OW and her children are moving in while his wife promises no more lesbian sex. Perhaps you can help each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You opened Pandora's box. She's getting thrills and is going to continue to push the envelope to satisfy that urge. It's going to be harder to close the lid the more it goes on. She already want's more than you can provide. My guess is you wouldn't have agreed to including other sexual partners, if you knew she would want to escalate her exploration. 

Marital counseling, that included an understand of each others boundaries and the effects such sexual acts could have on a marriage would have been a intelligent choice, before this started. I suggest you afford yourselves of that now. Put a moratorium on all extra partners until you both understand whats at stake and what will be accepted. 

Good luck


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Bi doesn't mean two lovers at once. I wish people knew this. 

Bi means you like women and men...but are monogomous in relationships with either a woman or a man. I know because I do consider myself bi and have made mistakes and have learned that bi doesn't mean you get both....

She just wants to cheat on you. You can be her security net and she can go get some strange. Nip this.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I believe in fairness. If she wants to open up the marriage, she doesn't get to open it up only on her side, that doesn't even make sense.

Look - these complicated relationships are not as easy as they look from the outside, trust me on this one. Sit down, have a think, and make rules. If you're in anyway unsure, you guys should simply call it off.

The cynic in me feels like she wants to explore, but wants to keep you as a safe option, so she doesn't want to risk you also getting carried away with someone else.

In the end, this is your decision to make. Decide whether or not you can handle it. As usual, there are always risks when you bring a third party into your marital bed, it may work out, it may not. The smart money is not on the side of it working out however (yes, a lot of people have pulled this off successfully, but in terms of cheer statistics, a much higher number of couples have been shattered).


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you have already made your decision.

In my book, you can either have a monogamous relationship or an open relationship, in which you both could have boy/girlfriends on the side. A one-sided open relationship doesn't work. How does she think you would be okay with this?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

:iagree:

Couldn't agree more with caladan.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Prof said:


> We actually are in therapy and have been for about 6 weeks now. And in both cases the threesomes were initiated by her, not me. I was fine with it, because it was within our communicated rules, (and would be going forward, actually). So no, I don't see that as a failing. It's just that now she wants to change the rules. While it technically got "bigger and bigger", that was after having one that had zero negative impact and then another 7 or 8 years later. It's hardly a pattern.
> 
> Where I'm at is that I am willing to let her explore her bi-sexuality within the rules we had previously established. If that's a deal breaker for her, then we will be getting divorced. I don't want to break up our family, but I have to set my boundaries and be true to myself.


This is nonsense to me. Sure she can have her cake and eat it too. You can't though b/c she is exploring a new side of herself.. I think she explored this side at least twice that you know of and now says she is not attracted to you and now wants to take it further and have a real relationship with a woman. Exactly what is in this deal for you? I call BS. Tell her she is married and she can be married or not be married. You would like to explore a new side of yourself as well. Being married to a woman that is on love with you and is attracted to you.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Prof said:


> The rule I mentioned was in my initial post: threesomes are fine as long as I am there. She has stated that she wants the freedom to be with a woman without me there. I've considered it, and it doesn't work for me.
> 
> And to be clear, I have NOT told her that I've come to this decision. She's away for the weekend. I'm going to bring it up in our therapy session next week.


and she went where?


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> and she went where?


Awesome question...


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You're rationalizing for the sake of your child and your dream marriage. It's understandable but you need to realize she is not attracted to you anymore. That's the game changer no matter what the cause. She's using you at this point.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She has been unhappy for two years and she is now unattracted to you. If you look in the coping with infidelity section, you will see that this is common rewriting of the relationship history that cheaters almost always pull.

You need to check this out, phone, texts etc. I'm betting she is already cheating.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Agreed with Chaparral.


You have to end it. Make it clear that these changes are unacceptable. In fact, I think it's clear that you need to get out of the 3rd person in bed business altogther, it is clearly not a good fit for you both as a couple if one or both of you are incapable of identifying the obvious red lines and then not crossing them. If she is unwilling to give it up, then you know where you and your marriage stand. Unless you're willing to become her cuckold (which works for some guys I suppose) then you really have no choice but to move on.


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