# Wife's occasional cruelty



## mrbluestars (Mar 2, 2014)

Married for 1.5 years. I'm 47, she's 42. 

My wife is a beautiful, charming and brilliant woman and I am typically overjoyed to be married to her. Our sex life is amazing and adventurous. Because of how wonderful she is to me and my family, I fawn over her. Flowers, making her lunch, and generally making sure she's as happy as she makes me.

She was born in Russia and left for the US at 29, so she's been here a long time. For a Christmas present, I took her to Chicago with tickets to the St Petersburg Symphony and an authentic dinner at a Russian Restaurant and a day at the art museum. We stayed on the waterfront for 2 nights.

At the museum, she spies drinking glasses she likes. They're $9 each and very low quality. She wants them. I say, "Well, those are very pretty, but they're a bit more inexpensive at home". I had no idea, but she was deeply hurt by this.

The next 4 hours were the worst of my adult life. I have never seen this level of hostility in anyone. She systematically destroyed the vacation. I begged her forgiveness and through many tears we held it together.

Now back home, she's ultra sensitive and wants marriage counseling which I am all for!!! The sooner the better.

My question is what provokes a woman to the level of hostility? I agree that my comment was awkward, but i swear to everything holy that it was well intended and with a smile. I really thought I was helping. 

Truly, my marriage was hanging by a thread and still we have not had sex this week. she's "just not ready". I have never understood cruelty or why one person wants to destroy the piece of mind of another with literally no provocation. I am willing to do anything. Advice is welcome

Thanks.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg wtf? Your wife sounds extremely unstable to me. I think she needs IC before you two have MC.

I honestly have NO idea what you did "wrong" - and I'm a woman! :scratchhead:

Wow.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I can't figure out what you did wrong either, but then again, often I find when my wife seemingly gets upset about something insignificant, there's actually something deeper going on. How were things between you prior to the trip? Have there been any problems? Have there been similar incidents before? Did all the Russian stuff stir up emotional memories?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've no idea how anyone could be offended by that comment either. Did she explain WHY she thought it offensive? 

I think MC is a good idea. She can explain to the therapist how this was offensive and maybe they could shed some light on it for you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Could be some sort of personality disorder or signs of something more serious coming on .[ Clinical ]

Has she ever been like this before?

If she has shown similar behavior in the recent past,
Before marriage counselling , see if you can get her to try individual counseling.

This would be a bit sensitive for her so tread carefully.

I've heard of similar situations before, and it is traumatic .

Sorry this has happened.
Best wishes.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She needs a psychological help. My 2 year old doesn't even act that bad


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Probably was abused as a kid. Sounds almost like PTSD.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mrbluestars said:


> At the museum, she spies drinking glasses she likes. They're $9 each and very low quality. She wants them. I say, "Well, those are very pretty, but they're a bit more inexpensive at home". I had no idea, but she was deeply hurt by this.
> 
> The next 4 hours were the worst of my adult life. I have never seen this level of hostility in anyone. She systematically destroyed the vacation. I begged her forgiveness and through many tears we held it together.


Is it possible that this has been an ongoing problem and she's held it in until she finally exploded? Like maybe you have been "cheap" for a long time, and she just couldn't take it anymore?

If that's not the case, then frankly it sounds like either she has some other problem going on that she's not telling you about (like's she's pregnant) or she's planning on leaving you and to make it easier she's deliberately trying to find excuses to start fights with you.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Stop, stop, stop, and STOP....willing to do anything possible. 

Once she sees you trying to fix her problem by doing anything possible she will keep it in the back of her mind and use it again. 

Don't worry about the no sex thing, have a mind set of why do you want to have sex with a pissed off whiny person. That's a turn off. 

You need to read a book called "Married mans sex guide" because I think there's more to your story than just this episode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> The next 4 hours were the worst of my adult life. I have never seen this level of hostility in anyone. She systematically destroyed the vacation.


I'm sorry, but I need more details before I start running to the "OMG all women are clinically insane" train that everyone else seems to jump on. We have absolutely no details about what happened, and yet its immediately PTSD or a mental disorder. 

What exactly did she do or say? What is this hostility you mention? Is it because you haven't had sex in a week?



> At the museum, she spies drinking glasses she likes. They're $9 each and very low quality. She wants them. I say, "Well, those are very pretty, but they're a bit more inexpensive at home". I had no idea, but she was deeply hurt by this.


You went out of your way to plan this expensive, elaborate vacation. Was $36 going to really break the bank at that point? Maybe she wanted a souviner to remember this trip by. And you indicating well, we'll just buy them at home indicated to her that this trip wasn't special, and it wasn't worth remembering. Buying drinking glasses at Walmart back home isn't the same as getting them at the museum on the trip. It's about sentiment.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She wanted those ones, you basically just said no. If the money is shared you should both have equal say in what you buy. 

I can think of a few times I wanted to buy something and he has said no or we don't need that. I'll admit (even after reading everyone else say she must be crazy) that it irks me. Since it's my money too, I should be able to use it, within reason, without having to get his approval, as should he. He isn't the boss of it, it's ours.

Unless, I guess, every $10-$40 purchase you make is also passed through her to say yes or no. 


There's no reason to go overboard though. She should have said something like
"I know we can buy cheaper glasses at home but I want these ones to remind me of our trip and my home country, like a souvenir. It is important to me so instead of you saying no, I'd like to discuss it." and I'm sure you would have. She needs to learn to communicate better.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

OP

Call the museum and get them to priority FED ex the glasses to your house. Wrap them up and give them as a gift over a nice evening.

After she calms down, maybe figure out the communication issue.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm sorry, but I need more details before I start running to the "OMG all women are clinically insane" train that everyone else seems to jump on. We have absolutely no details about what happened, and yet its immediately PTSD or a mental disorder.
> 
> What exactly did she do or say? What is this hostility you mention? Is it because you haven't had sex in a week?
> 
> ...


So he should respond to her temper tantrum by rewarding her. You want to throw gender into this but if the roles were reversed the responses would be the same.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

richie33 said:


> So he should respond to her temper tantrum by rewarding her. You want to throw gender into this but if the roles were reversed the responses would be the same.


Experience on TAM tells me that's not true. The percentage of threads wherein it's inferred women are BPD or have some other mental defect based on remarkably little actual detail is kind of astonishing. 

Again, what was the "temper tantrum"? She threw things? Screamed and yelled? Silent treatment for five days? What actually happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

She is of the right age so maybe she is starting into peri menopause. We women can get a bit emotional during this time and even WE don't understand why we do some of the things we do when our hormones are fluctuating.

BTW, you said in the title, occasional.... has there been other times she has done something like this or is this it?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

richie33 said:


> So he should respond to her temper tantrum by rewarding her. You want to throw gender into this but if the roles were reversed the responses would be the same.


The problem comes from treating your equal partner like a child who has to ask for money in the first place. 

If the roles were reversed everyone would wonder where she keeps his balls that she gets to just tell him what he gets to do with $40 of their own money.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Title is " wife's occasional cruelty". OP stated in his post the words hostility, worst 4 hours of his life. Not much of a stretch that she acted irrational.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The problem comes from treating your equal partner like a child who has to ask for money in the first place.
> 
> If the roles were reversed everyone would wonder where she keeps his balls that she gets to just tell him what he gets to do with $40 of their own money.


Doesn't sound like the OP didn't try and pull out all the stops for a Christmas gift. Trip to Chicago, waterfront hotel, authentic Russian restaurant....sounds like he did his best. To flip out over cheap glasses and ruin a weekend sounds odd. Plus here it is months later and she seems to be holding on to it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

That's because you have been bending over backwards for her for how long now and then when you refuse she gets bent out of shape. 

She has to learn that she can't have everything she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it. It's called give and take. Problem is with her, it's all take and no give.

You created this and you forgot to install an off button on her. Let her have her tantrum. Maybe she'll grow up.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Doesn't sound like the OP didn't try and pull out all the stops for a Christmas gift. Trip to Chicago, waterfront hotel, authentic Russian restaurant....sounds like he did his best. To flip out over cheap glasses and ruin a weekend sounds odd. Plus here it is months later and she seems to be holding on to it.


Yes, she clearly isn't in the right either. The way she dealt with it was completely wrong but 1 person being wrong doesn't make the other person right, they can both be wrong. He asked why she would be upset, that's one part of the situation. The other part is how to fix the way she deals with being upset. 
Since he still doesn't understand what made her upset it seems like communication is a serious problem.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

She's training you through blackmail. Next time you'll think twice about disagreeing with her, won't you? It's just not worth it to disagree with her since it causes so much turmoil for you. Next time you'll keep your mouth shut if you disagree...and that's exactly how she likes it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

6301 said:


> She has to learn that she can't have everything she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it. It's called give and take. Problem is with her, it's all take and no give.
> 
> .


He said he is making her as happy as she makes him, sounds like she gives too. 
Why should a small amount of money be something he is giving to her anyway? It's not just his to give. If WE own a car, him getting to drive it isn't something I am _giving _to him and something he is _taking_ because it's his too. I'm sure he'd be pretty pissed off if I said no, you can't use the car, you can walk. It's cheaper.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He said he is making her as happy as she makes him, sounds like she gives too.
> Why should a small amount of money be something he is giving to her anyway? It's not just his to give. If WE own a car, him getting to drive it isn't something I am _giving _to him and something he is _taking_ because it's his too. I'm sure he'd be pretty pissed off if I said no, you can't use the car, you can walk. It's cheaper.


So he really didn't give her the trip to Chicago. Since its both their money she took herself.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your post is confusing. It is now March & you are describing an incident that happened in December. Has she been mad at you for 2+ months over wine glasses?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

richie33 said:


> So he really didn't give her the trip to Chicago. Since its both their money she took herself.


No, the money isn't something that either of them are giving and taking, it's something they are sharing and have equal say and access to. 
The gift part is the planning, the thought and the arrangements. You don't just pull money out of a joint account and give it to your wife for Christmas. 

Had she made the right decision to talk to her husband about it instead of throwing a fit it probably would have been solved before they even left the store. I think the problem on her side is with her inability to communicate maturely, not that she wanted to take money from him to buy something. She should be able to use that money, she should also be able to act like an adult and talk about her feelings if she gets upset.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Your post is confusing. It is now March & you are describing an incident that happened in December. Has she been mad at you for 2+ months over wine glasses?


Also is this indeed occasional or was it only this once? What happened the other times? How often does this happen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Also, why specifically does she want marriage counseling after only such a short time being married? If you wait on her hand & foot, why is she so unhappy? If she is as "brilliant" as you say, surely she doesn't want to go to MC over wine glasses?


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## mrbluestars (Mar 2, 2014)

Theseus said:


> Is it possible that this has been an ongoing problem and she's held it in until she finally exploded? Like maybe you have been "cheap" for a long time, and she just couldn't take it anymore?
> 
> If that's not the case, then frankly it sounds like either she has some other problem going on that she's not telling you about (like's she's pregnant) or she's planning on leaving you and to make it easier she's deliberately trying to find excuses to start fights with you.


Actually, she makes a tiny bit more than I. Our accounts are entirely independent. She's extremely thrifty. We're the couple who shops at 3 different grocery stores to get the best deals...at her direction. So, no....I'm not cheap. I'm the one who needs occasionally reigned in with the spending.

By occasional....hmmmm. Here's a quick example: Went to Lowes, but before leaving I went to grab a Depeche Mode CD (her favorite) for the trip. Got to Lowes and realized I didnt grab my wallet. "You forgot the wallet because you were too focused on getting a CD". That's a teeny tiny one....but you get the drift.


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## mrbluestars (Mar 2, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Stop, stop, stop, and STOP....willing to do anything possible.
> 
> Once she sees you trying to fix her problem by doing anything possible she will keep it in the back of her mind and use it again.
> 
> ...


Nope...not worried about the sex thing. She initiates sex 3-5 times a week. I was just noting that it's "hangover" for her right now. Thanks much for reading


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## mrbluestars (Mar 2, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I can't figure out what you did wrong either, but then again, often I find when my wife seemingly gets upset about something insignificant, there's actually something deeper going on. How were things between you prior to the trip? Have there been any problems? Have there been similar incidents before? Did all the Russian stuff stir up emotional memories?


Other stuff...quite a bit. 3 weeks of bliss...a couple days of perpetual jabbing. Snotty, condescending stuff....then 3 weeks of bliss..etc.

In her past, she struggled with depression. I am going to gently suggest that we both go and see a psychiatrist. I'm ok with that, becasue I do not want to say that "YOU should make an appointment". I will undergo whatever so she does not feel singled out as a problem. Thanks for commenting!


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## mrbluestars (Mar 2, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm sorry, but I need more details before I start running to the "OMG all women are clinically insane" train that everyone else seems to jump on. We have absolutely no details about what happened, and yet its immediately PTSD or a mental disorder.
> 
> What exactly did she do or say? What is this hostility you mention? Is it because you haven't had sex in a week?
> 
> ...


I understand completely. I might have directed her to an elegant stained glass plate or another object that could only have been gotten there, but she already was in full pout mode.

We have separate finances and she's EXTREMELY thrift. Very into coupons and shopping at many different stores to get the best deal. I'm the biggest spender on non-budget items by a loooong shot.

By "worst 4 hours" I mean than she walked ahead of me, didnt say two words the entire time, would meander away if i turned my attention to the art leaving me to look for her in the exhibit maze. This happened over and over. It was horrible.


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## mrbluestars (Mar 2, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The problem comes from treating your equal partner like a child who has to ask for money in the first place.
> 
> If the roles were reversed everyone would wonder where she keeps his balls that she gets to just tell him what he gets to do with $40 of their own money.


She makes more than I and our finances are separate. She is a very thrifty person who shops at many different stores to get the best deals. I am the biggest spender on recreation by a very long shot.

When I made the comment, I did so with a kindness and smile that I thought she'd appreciate because she is so very tight with her money. I tried to direct her attention to other more expensive items that were unique to the Art Institute ...like custom stained glass or books signed by authors....but she was already in full-pout mode.

THanks for writing .


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ok, so she's extremely thrifty. During your trip, you made all the plans, and the one thing she tried to influence was something that you shot down with a comment that implied she was not spending wisely, even though it represented $36 of the total trip cost. 

I can't say her reaction was reasonable or unreasonable, but I *can* see what may have prompted her reaction.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She freaked out on you because you suggested wine glasses were cheaper at home? Really? And ruined your vacation over it? 

I sense there is more to this than that. Unless this is how she normally acts. If this is her normal, then you need to tell her she needs to stop acting like a child. 

Also, if she really wanted those glasses, she could have bought them herself. $9 is hardly a fortune.

Talk to her.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Ok, so she's extremely thrifty. During your trip, you made all the plans, and the one thing she tried to influence was something that you shot down with a comment that implied she was not spending wisely, even though it represented $36 of the total trip cost.
> 
> I can't say her reaction was reasonable or unreasonable, but I *can* see what may have prompted her reaction.


He made the plans cause it was a christmas gift to her. What influence should she have if it was something he did for her?
Couple hundred dollars on a flight, couple hundred on a hotel, tickets to a play, a nice dinner out to a restaurant that specializing in her food from Russia and a art museum. I can see he did enough. If she wanted those special glasses she should have went into her own pockets and bought them for herself.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

mrbluestars said:


> She makes more than I and our finances are separate. She is a very thrifty person who shops at many different stores to get the best deals. I am the biggest spender on recreation by a very long shot.
> 
> When I made the comment, I did so with a kindness and smile that I thought she'd appreciate because she is so very tight with her money. I tried to direct her attention to other more expensive items that were unique to the Art Institute ...like custom stained glass or books signed by authors....but she was already in full-pout mode.
> 
> THanks for writing .


Usually when someone gets upset over a small issue it's a bigger issue at play.
There's a lot things it could be. She could feel resentful over your spending and you trying to monitor hers set her off. She could feel you criticize her and her choices even when she's proven she's responsible. She could feel like the things she wants to spend money on aren't as important as the things you want to spend money on. She could feel it was disrespectful of you to tell her what to do with money when she typically lets you do what you want with it.
If she can stop pouting and start talking, it could all get resolved. Sounds like marriage counseling could help a lot. 



richie33 said:


> If she wanted those special glasses she should have went into her own pockets and bought them for herself.


He makes it sound like it was her own pockets. 
"_I thought she'd appreciate because she is so very tight with her money. _"


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I agree with the dog analogy, you punish him when he doesn't obey and ideally, you get the dog to obey instructions automatically. She wants you to understand that she is beautiful, when she wants something you should agree to it immediately, and when you don't do what you are told, there will be no intimacy. 

You seem like a nice guy, so it's sad but this needs to be worked out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you were expected to pay for them? Why didn't she?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Experience on TAM tells me that's not true. The percentage of threads wherein it's inferred women are BPD or have some other mental defect based on remarkably little actual detail is kind of astonishing.


Maybe the Op should get a restraining order on her if he feels threatened.


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