# New member please help



## Joanne23

Hi,
I’m Joanne 43 - two teenagers been Married for nearly 19 years - we have had a couple of blips along the way , but I would say mostly happy marriage - husband has always had “low level stress” and he takes an anti depressant - for about 2 months we had a number of small arguments about family stuff / kids etc - and he’s basically saying he is fed up and now is thinking is the marriage is not salvageable and saying we have had problems for years which we have just brushed under the carpet 
He hasn’t actually acted on this - still sleeping in the same bed - no physical contact really - a peck on the cheek when leaving for work - he has made no attempt to leave, still wearing wedding ring - and been civil and still doing normal house hold things …….I’ve told him I don’t want our marriage to end and will do anyhing to make it work - but he seems to dismiss me saying we have done this before - how do I act ? What can I do ?
Please please help


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## jonty30

Joanne23 said:


> Hi,
> I’m Joanne 43 - two teenagers been Married for nearly 19 years - we have had a couple of blips along the way , but I would say mostly happy marriage - husband has always had “low level stress” and he takes an anti depressant - for about 2 months we had a number of small arguments about family stuff / kids etc - and he’s basically saying he is fed up and now is thinking is the marriage is not salvageable and saying we have had problems for years which we have just brushed under the carpet
> He hasn’t actually acted on this - still sleeping in the same bed - no physical contact really - a peck on the cheek when leaving for work - he has made no attempt to leave, still wearing wedding ring - and been civil and still doing normal house hold things …….I’ve told him I don’t want our marriage to end and will do anyhing to make it work - but he seems to dismiss me saying we have done this before - how do I act ? What can I do ?
> Please please help


He may have been momentarily frustrated.
Does he have outbursts like this, where he blows up and then calms down?


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## Joanne23

Yes , he does - but this has now been going on since mid December , he has had nasty cold over Xmas which didn’t help - but it’s like I’m in. Limbo ,if I try and broach the subject , he just says he dosent know if things can work - I suggested lunch out today before he went work and he said yes - but then it’s like he has no interest in being there ?
Do I keep trying with these little steps ??


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## Joanne23

I really really don’t think there is anyone else involved- I’m not stupid enough to say he would never do that - but I really really don’t think there is


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## Andy1001

If he doesn’t want you to be his wife then stop being his wife. No physical contact not even a peck on the cheek. No doing his laundry and unless you’re cooking for the children then no cooking for him either. 
Look up the “180”.


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## Joanne23

Won’t that push him further away - i want him to realise our marriage is worth saving


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## Joanne23

Just to add - I have said to him if that’s how you feel I don’t want to you stay in a situation that makes you miserable, but I want to give our marriage a chance - at no point have I begged him to stay


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## re16

Are there actual specifics he mentions are the problems? It seems like any plan forward means specifically identifying the issues and having a plan of how each of them are improved....

Have you guys gone to couples counseling?

What are the "blips along the way" you mentioned?


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## Joanne23

We have not done counciling and he was adamant NO, mainly kids and difference in parenting styles , which was mainly my part and I have taken steps to try and improve - and he says I don’t communicate things, nag at him etc …..I have accepted that it’s not all me but my “faults” I have tried to address, I just don’t know how to act ? Do you think he’s just having a low moment . Surely if he wanted out he would go! Or at least sleep downstairs


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## Diceplayer

Andy1001 said:


> If he doesn’t want you to be his wife then stop being his wife. No physical contact not even a peck on the cheek. No doing his laundry and unless you’re cooking for the children then no cooking for him either.
> Look up the “180”.


This will push him further away. The 180 is not meant for this situation.

Did anything happen two months ago when this started? How was your sex life before this? I'd be willing to bet that you know what's going on with him.


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## 2&out

I think he's done. He's just riding it out doing his "duties", trying to avoid conflict, being a Dad until the kids are older. If things improve, great, if not that's fine too, - but not working hard and investing in what seems like a lost cause to him. To him counseling is just a waste of time and money. (I'd agree) JMO.


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## DallasCowboyFan

Depression, anxiety, low libido and a distorted view can be symptoms of low testosterone. He should have a blood test to rule that out.


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## DownByTheRiver

Joanne23 said:


> We have not done counciling and he was adamant NO, mainly kids and difference in parenting styles , which was mainly my part and I have taken steps to try and improve - and he says I don’t communicate things, nag at him etc …..I have accepted that it’s not all me but my “faults” I have tried to address, I just don’t know how to act ? Do you think he’s just having a low moment . Surely if he wanted out he would go! Or at least sleep downstairs


I know you said there's not been much going on but men will often continue to have sex or try to even when there's fighting or the divorce has even already happened. They're not like women that way most of whom need things to be right. So not sure why he hasn't moved out of the bedroom but maybe he's just not uncomfortable in there with you there. 

I think you should stop biting your tongue trying not to make it mad and say your piece about everything as it happens because communication is the only hope you have to hold a marriage together just in general. If he doesn't even want to work on it with counseling to get you two on the same page as far as the children go, then that's really not a nice thing to do for the children. Once you have joint custody and they are going back and forth, it's going to be a constant litany of Daddy doesn't make me do that or whatever.


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## Talker67

Joanne23 said:


> We have not done counciling and he was adamant NO, mainly kids and *difference in parenting styles *, which was mainly my part and I have taken steps to try and improve - and he says I don’t communicate things, nag at him etc …..I have accepted that it’s not all me but my “faults” I have tried to address, I just don’t know how to act ? Do you think he’s just having a low moment . Surely if he wanted out he would go! Or at least sleep downstairs


but your kids are all grown up now, right?
so you admitting differences in parenting style NOW is of no consequence, the damage was done. and in his eyes, it is uncorrectable damage.

why do spouses sometimes ingnore the wishes of the other spouse on child rearing. it is a very powerful biological urge to raise the kids, and if your spouse is doing something against your wishes, it is going to burrow in and bother you for decades to come.

So, nothing you can do now to fix that.

what ELSE has he been mentioning the last five years that he did not like, but you kept on doing. Time to acknowledge THOSE THINGS and plege to change...


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## ccpowerslave

In my darkest hour if my wife shows up in a g string I would feel better almost immediately. Have you tried that?


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## A18S37K14H18

I'm not saying you know OP, but things don't just change on a dime.

If he's the silent kind, doesn't show emotions and such then it may have been slowly building inside of him for a long time and it's not just bubbling over. If so, that's not good.

Many just get too far gone and they detach and it's over. I hope that's not the case here.

My first husband was like that. He wasn't that emotional (I'm really emotional). He kept things inside, bottled them up, stuffed them deep down inside. I didn't, I would freak out, argue etc. as I'm feisty.

I blamed him for many things due to all of this and he was to blame for some things. Sadly, I overlooked all that I was to blame for however so he became the "bad guy" to me.

TAM is known for saying that cheating is 100% on the cheater and that marital problems are 50-50 on both partners.

The key is to be proactive regularly in terms of how things are going in a long term relationship so things can't just slowly build up over time.

I'm sorry he won't go to counseling, that isn't good.

I hope you're able to get him talking about whatever this issue or issues are.


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## sokillme

Joanne23 said:


> Hi,
> I’m Joanne 43 - two teenagers been Married for nearly 19 years - we have had a couple of blips along the way , but I would say mostly happy marriage - husband has always had “low level stress” and he takes an anti depressant - for about 2 months we had a number of small arguments about family stuff / kids etc - and he’s basically saying he is fed up and now is thinking is the marriage is not salvageable and saying we have had problems for years which we have just brushed under the carpet
> He hasn’t actually acted on this - still sleeping in the same bed - no physical contact really - a peck on the cheek when leaving for work - he has made no attempt to leave, still wearing wedding ring - and been civil and still doing normal house hold things …….I’ve told him I don’t want our marriage to end and will do anyhing to make it work - but he seems to dismiss me saying we have done this before - how do I act ? What can I do ?
> Please please help


What are the blips? Small blips to one person could be another persons large blops.

I would check your phone bill. Spouses don't change on a dime without some outside influence they are drawn to, usually cheating or wanting to cheat, unless they have been holding in resentment for a long time.


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## sokillme

Joanne23 said:


> I really really don’t think there is anyone else involved- I’m not stupid enough to say he would never do that - but I really really don’t think there is


Everyone who was ever cheated on says that at first. Everyone.


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## sokillme

Joanne23 said:


> We have not done counciling and he was adamant NO, mainly kids and difference in parenting styles , which was mainly my part and I have taken steps to try and improve - and he says I don’t communicate things, nag at him etc …..I have accepted that it’s not all me but my “faults” I have tried to address, I just don’t know how to act ? Do you think he’s just having a low moment . Surely if he wanted out he would go! Or at least sleep downstairs


Explain the kid situation, did you parenting styles allow your kids to disrupt your marriage? I have been around parents where one parent refuses to allow for disciplining uncontrollable difficult kids and the kids end up dominating the whole house. That could cause a lot of resentment.


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## ealric

Joanne23 said:


> Hi,
> I’m Joanne 43 - two teenagers been Married for nearly 19 years - we have had a couple of blips along the way , but I would say mostly happy marriage - husband has always had “low level stress” and he takes an anti depressant - for about 2 months we had a number of small arguments about family stuff / kids etc - and he’s basically saying he is fed up and now is thinking is the marriage is not salvageable and saying we have had problems for years which we have just brushed under the carpet
> He hasn’t actually acted on this - still sleeping in the same bed - no physical contact really - a peck on the cheek when leaving for work - he has made no attempt to leave, still wearing wedding ring - and been civil and still doing normal house hold things …….I’ve told him I don’t want our marriage to end and will do anyhing to make it work - but he seems to dismiss me saying we have done this before - how do I act ? What can I do ?
> Please please help


I'm in a similar situation with my wife, except we're separated and she's living in her own apartment. I don't have any advice since I'm still in the middle of it, but I just wanted to drop a note of support. I feel so very much like you say you do right now.


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