# ...and I thought I was doing so good!



## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

It just figures. I was doing so good through the holidays; halloween, thanksgiving, christmas and new years. Now that she's on vacation, visiting her posOM, I feel like it's one step forward two steps back. 

She called tonight to 'face-time' the kids, from a sports bar. Obviously having the time of her life. Very happy and smiling, almost seemed drunk yet...maybe new love drunk?

I'm in IC and he tells me that I'm making all the right steps, and I knew this vacation of hers would kill me a little bit inside. This makes her new relationship more real for me. I really want to move on, begin dating, make new friends, all of that stuff. I just don't want to do it too fast, make someone feel like a rebound.

At the same time I'm so tired of hating her. I know deep down that she isn't doing these things to get to me, or make me feel worse, she just wants to be happy. But, we haven't even filed for divorce yet, and shes already moved on so seemingly fast. On the other hand, it almost feels like she face timed the kids from the bar just to run it in my face, how happy she is without me.

I'm not sure what shes thinking by having a long distance relationship while still married (yes, we are ending it, but haven't yet). 

Having this site to read every day is the only healthy distraction that I have at this point, so thanks for that everyone!

One day at a time!...hell, one hour at a time... I just want to be at the same stage as she is. Over the hatred, back on track. Living for myself again, getting over having a broken family... she made it seem so easy!


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

One thought : beware believing the image people put forward. She knew you would see her so she put on her happy face.

I've been faking happy a lot lately and everyone thinks I'm doing so well, so I can say for sure, the face we show the world isn't not always the truth ... Especially when we know the world is watching.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I wish I was better at putting on a happy face in front of her. 

At the same time I'm sure she would just say something like "I'm glad you're doing better, or, I'm glad you happier now".

She wants to be my friend, but I really don't want to be hers. Hell if I just get over hating her, I'd be good enough with that. I want my kids to see us still be civil.

To me its like putting toothpaste back in the tube. It's just messy, and it can't go back.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm a good faker too. Until something gets to me. A certain song. Or talking about "it". If she's rubbing it in your face, she's probably trying to convince herself as well. Either that or she's the one who asked for divorce and has already gone through what you're going through right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you doing the 180? You really need to start protecting yourself.

Maybe it's time that you file for divorce instead of letting her call the shots.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I suck at the 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I'm trying my hardest with the 180. For the most part I'm succeeding at it. This whole vacation of hers and seeing her appear to be happy, stings. I was pretty good with dealing with the holidays.

I'm doing the NC thing, she always initiates the conversations. Always about the kids or finances that we mutually still have. 

The divorce should be initiated beginning of next week, when she returns. We needed more money to get the ball rolling. We have everything split up, a schedule for the kids, both have jobs. We don't own a house. I hope that process can go as smooth as possible.

For the most part we do remain civil, it was just seeing her out at a bar on the phone with the kids that set me back a bit. 

I just need to calm down my mind and stop my thoughts from running rampant and taking over at times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What kinds of things are you doing for yourself these days?

Are you socializing?

How long is her vacation?


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I'm trying to get back in touch with a few friends from back home. Talking with them on the phone helps. It's really weird who is there for you after a great deal of time has passed, that they still care enough to listen to you babble on about your stbx.

I got shifted around at work, to better accommodate my children and their schedule. ( a real plus right now! )

I'm getting back to the gym this coming week when she gets back. (one of my resolutions for the new year)

I signed up for an annual 5 mile run, that I did last year with her and her brother. Going solo this time!

I quit drinking, and smoking(pot), and caffeine. I just need to clean out and all the extra crap doesn't help with my anxiety. 

She comes back late sunday night, but I wont have to see her. I'll be dropping the kids off with her mom at her house. I really shouldn't have to see her very often from here on, we do our switches via cay care. Sunday nights are the only nights where I'll be dropping them off at her house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Looks like you are starting to take care of yourself and moving on. That's good because that's where your focus needs to be and not on her.

Have you looked at the website Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup ? You might find some things to do in your area that you enjoy meet some new people.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I am trying to focus on myself, the positive, my kids and not on her. 
It's just tough. As I'm sure most, if not all of, you know. 
All I have is work and my children. I'm not in my hometown anymore and don't want to go back, because of my kids. 

I'll check out that meetup.com site a little more. 
Thanks for the suggestion!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Seriously, who facetimes their kids from a bar???

My ex was spewing his fabby new life over FB yet texting me suicidal thoughts. It's mostly a front, she's got to tell herself she did the right thing


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Dolly- 
I asked her why she felt it was ok to call from the bar. We had a time set that she would call but the kids were waning, and needed to go to sleep. So instead of putting them to bed without giving her the chance to talk to them, I texted her and told her to call 30 min early. She ultimately blamed me, that she had to call when I told her too. 

She was watching a football game, and it would have still be on regardless of being 30 min earlier... mind blowing, I know. 

Of course it was my fault!


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I really do feel better when I have no contact with her. 

I need to maintain this feeling.

I joined a backpacking/camping/winter activities club on that meetup site! 

Thanks again for the recommendation, Elegirl, I didn't really know it was that easy to find groups.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Today I got a call from DayCare, the girls were running a fever (twins, so they get sick together usually)

So I let their mom know (remember she is in California on vacation with PosOM, where he lives).

Her response was : Do you need my mom to go pick them up and have them stay over night?

Me : Uhh, no. I got it, I was just letting you know that they didn't feel good. Keeping you in the loop.

Her : Ok, if you need my mom just let me or her know.

Me : Seriously, I got it.

And I do "got it". I don't need her family to fall back on. When we were together it was a different story.

Now I feel like I want to do things myself, to prove that I can, to me and to her. 

This made me feel good. I am able to take care of my kids, always have been!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

N8vee said:


> This made me feel good. I am able to take care of my kids, always have been!


:smthumbup:


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Good for you!!! 
I hope that the girls are not getting the flu, that is how it started here...

Keep up the great work with the 180 I have not spoken to h today,,,staying strong only talking aout the kids.....


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I brought them home, gave them some meds, lay them down for a late nap, and they woke up full of energy.

Ate a ton of dinner.

And then of course mom had to face time them again....which I'm fine with, but I hate hearing her voice....lol

She called this time in a vehicle, on her way to somewhere. WIth her PoSOM.

When she was saying 'love you' to our son, he kept on saying, "no mom, I don't want you to love me, I don't love you, no mom".

It was funny for me, and she didn't take it the wrong way.

He's young and says it all the time..

Like if you ask him if he had a good day, he ALWAYS says no, no matter what he did. Ahhh, the innocence of youth, cute.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

My two kids are having some seperation stuff going on... My 4 & 7 year old want to me on top of me. I feel like they are starved for affection and it is not like I dont love on them and rock them and hug, and tell them that I love you ... Not sure if they are needing more from me cause they are not getting if from there dad cause I have not seen how they are with him.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I can understand that, my kids are the same way.

Though mine are 3 and 1.5 YO twins.

One daughter is lovey dovey and the other is more tom boy, and buddy buddy with her brother.

But they always need to be on or around me. It's comforting, but I think some type of separation something is going on already. 

Time will only tell if this will take more of a drastic toll on them.

Part of me is glad that they are so young, and part of me is sad for the fact that they wont remember having two stable parents. 

It's something that all 5 of us will have to work on and get through.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know that this is very hard on everyone. I guess I would like to see how the girls are interacting with there father to see if I could get anymore insight. He gets them every other weekend.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Confirmation that I AM doing good/better/ not as bad as I think at times;

My son had a fever from yesterday afternoon until this morning, spiked at 102.9 this morning.

I brought him into the walk-in (plus I have twin girls so they tagged along, snotty noses and raspy coughs as well).

The lady asked me if I was able to find relief with family help locally in the area... I just kind of laughed to myself and said "nope, just me today and the last 2 weeks."

She asked where mom was. 
I said: "vacation" (in the "quotey fingers")
And the nurse patted me on the back and said I was doing a great job.

We talked about being single parents trying to do things on our own in the absence of our "better-halves". 

Turns out my son was fine with over the counter meds, and now the girls have this breathing apparatus, nebulizer, bronchodialator thingy, for wheezing.

....SO....
I texted their mother (stbxw) and tried to keep her in the loop with her sick kids (she actually comes back later tonight).

She basically said; "Well I'm glad you're there for them, you're a great dad."

"Gee thanks", I thought. 

It's hard for me to take a compliment from her, but loved the one from the nurse on a Sunday morning. 

I had a great time with the kids while their mom was gone, it's going to be hard to give them back and go back to 50/50.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

as a side note;

I never talked ill about stbxw at the doctor's office.

I never do to anyone else either. 

I think bad things, and express them in IC, but try to keep those thoughts from surfacing in the form of vocal words, to others.

I realize that she doesn't deserve hatred. It only makes things that much more stressful for me.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Well stbxw is back from her vacation. 

She has plans to go back for Valentine's Day weekend...of course, saw that coming.

They are also making plans to introduce posOM to my kids, despite me asking her not to.

I'd just like to be further in the divorce process, doesn't have to be finalized.

I really feel like I'm over my wife at this point....but how do I deal with her wanting her new friend to be part of my kid's lives..

I'm not saying shes a bad judge of character, but what if! What if this guy doesn't check out the way she knows him, around my kids...

How could I ever forgive something bad happening under her watch?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I got your solution! 

Tell your kids about the dangers of child molesters and why they shouldn't trust "strangers who try to get too close". If that doesn't make every night with new daddy an awkward fight then I don't know what will

Seriously, stand up for and assert yourself whenever your wife tries to force through your boundaries. Anything you don't feel ok about, like mommy having sex with the posOM at your house while the kids are there, assert yourself and tell her "No f*cking way.... then seek legal action for custody. You may have to get a little mean at times and that's ok so long as it's not violent. You're needs are just as important as hers and shouldn't be repressed in a relationship EVER. 

Once you show your wife you're standing up for yourself and nothing she can do to rage all over you or hoover you in, she'll give you the respect you deserve. 

Remember it's going to hurt no matter what, but your actions now both legal and psychological can keep you from hurting in the future when you're in debt to her and can't see your children due to a restraining order because she was "afwaid of you!".

Check out shrink4men.com for their advice on dealing with toxic women. It's one of the best sites I can recommend!


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

We are already in separate houses, with a schedule for the kids.

My kids aren't really old enough to have those talks with them yet. 

I just can't handle her not honoring my request to wait for this introduction. 

It was hard enough to cope with losing her and her moving on so fast.

But now, she wants to introduce her "friend" to her kids, and I should be fine with that.

I mean, my son still asks if I'm going to sleep over at mom's house, doesn't completely get it yet. He knows we have two houses now, but not why.

I'm really not worried about me anymore, its mainly my son, the girls are too young to know whats going on at all. But, he's more attached to me than her, and I'm worried that this guy coming could derail what good is still left in my life at this point.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I disagree..it's never ever too soon to have a talk with kids about "good touch bad touch" in the swim suit areas...I think you have a valid reason to be concerned and should at the very least be expressing some boundaries until your more comfortable etc...your kids should know this stuff anyway...if they are old enough to talk...they are old enough to "tell"...
As far as them being around a new strange male goes. 
As for you dealing with it emotionally..I see that that's a whole different story... :/ that's gonna be hard yes...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> I got your solution!
> 
> Tell your kids about the dangers of child molesters and why they shouldn't trust "strangers who try to get too close". If that doesn't make every night with new daddy an awkward fight then I don't know what will
> 
> ...


Thanks for the excellent site, Nsweet. Oh man, the Golden Uterus article is spot on my stbxw! 

Does your Ex-Wife Have a Golden Uterus Complex? 15 Characteristics of the Golden Uterus | Shrink4Men


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

a little similar to mine , hell l think l must be driving everyone here nuts sometimes . 2-3 threads alone this week . sorry people but your all l have right now.

one of my new questions is about how my wifes been acting too. but it's also a tiny down , she has my daughter there with her a lot of the time. she also goes to school there and everyone knows her.
but hey , what might get back to her or around behind her back doesn't seem to be worrying my wife one iota either.
she's running round with this pathetic stupid happy thing too.
hew new friends - the ones that i think helped split us up are all coming and going , hell she just had her mum up to stay for 4days.what in a tiny town full of gossip, you've just broken up your family and what you want your mum running round ?

she seems all together , onward and upward, oblivious to it all . it's only fg been 3mths, she's been acting like this since day one moving out . it's fg mind boggling.

anyway see my thread , people have said some pretty interesting stuff and hey , maybe with yours things aren't quite as they seem.

it's very common , lots of them seem to go to all sorts of lengths to act this way , if it is an act.

what's it mean though , no fg idea to be honest - we're still dumped !


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