# Signs of cheating



## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

What are the clear indicators that someone is cheating? 

I've been reading some posts around here and I just don't get why you would stay with your partner (spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) if you want to be intimate with someone else.

Why do these people stay in the relationship? Why don't they just leave?


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

The very first indicator is usually a gut feeling that something is wrong. That feeling is usually right.

The WS struggles with a confusing set of emotions. They usually don't know what they want for awhile. Discovery forces them to face reality and make a choice.

The BS usually stays because there are children involved. Sometimes its because the WS is immediately remorseful upon discovery. People post here because they want to try and find a solution. Most other people do leave.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

alwaysnforever said:


> Why do these people stay in the relationship? Why don't they just leave?


In my wife's case, the kids. Her affair took a typical growth pattern. Just friends, more than friends, full on EA, not PA yet only due to him being half across the country. I believe it was several months before the EA. Actually, I have the transcript from where he finally told her he had feelings for her. They had been playing games online for about 7 months at that point on a daily basis.

Anyway, my point is that it grew slowly. By the point she was hooked on him, it was pretty much too late. She hasn't left yet because of the kids. I haven't left yet because of the kids. We will be separating soon, I believe.

I bet kids have a lot to do with "Why don't they just leave?" in a lot of situations.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Cypress, I have what I think is a gut feeling but I'm very insecure and jealous that I'm afraid that I am reading into things.

If my husband is having a PA, then I don't know when he is doing it as there has been no change in his daily schedule. He doesn't really go anywhere without me or one of the kids.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

alwaysnforever said:


> What are the clear indicators that someone is cheating?
> 
> I've been reading some posts around here and I just don't get why you would stay with your partner (spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) if you want to be intimate with someone else.
> 
> Why do these people stay in the relationship? Why don't they just leave?


for the WS ? why dont they just leave?

Partially its the same reason they cheated: Weakness. 

They are scared and uncertain.

In some cases, it's just to easy for them not to leave. 

Who doesnt want a cake eating buffet if the LS is serving it up?


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

I'm assuming your husband is working out of the home. It could be a workplace affair, or he could be simply struggling with depression. You will need to do some snooping to find out what is really going on. Put a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in his car. They are inexpensive and can be found at most big box stores. Affairees usually use their car to make calls or meet. Keep a log of his times and trips, check to odometer sometimes too.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

alwaysnforever said:


> What are the clear indicators that someone is cheating?


I don't know what men do but I have been through two cheating W's. I would assume some of the things will be the same.


Change or interest in phsyical appearance, i.e. new hair style, working out more, different perfume/cologne
Purchase of new underwear (this one was unusual but happened both times).
Secretive actions - always having cell phone within reach, closing e-mails when you walk by, unexplained abscences, always laying cell phone face down.
Extreme defensiveness when confronted
Change in sex life, expecially if you have been married awhile
Sudden change in and attention to new friends
Mentioning the OM's (or OW's) name in casual conversation
INSTINCT AND GUT FEELING, especially if you have been together for awhile.
Strange business cards (another strange one but happened twice)

I know that none of these or even all of them are definitive but I have gone through this twice and speak from experience. Google the topic and you should see some matches. I truly hope you are wrong as a cheating spouse is heart breaking. Good luck and my heart goes out to you.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

alwaysnforever said:


> Why do these people stay in the relationship? Why don't they just leave?


Also wanted to note that no one will pass up a big 'ol serving of having your cake and eating it too. Found that my STBXW has planning a trip to Cozumel with the OM but needed to stick around for the $$ for a plane ticket.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

3 words...."Just-A-Friend".


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> In my wife's case, the kids. Her affair took a typical growth pattern. Just friends, more than friends, full on EA, not PA yet only due to him being half across the country. I believe it was several months before the EA. Actually, I have the transcript from where he finally told her he had feelings for her. They had been playing games online for about 7 months at that point on a daily basis.
> 
> Anyway, my point is that it grew slowly. By the point she was hooked on him, it was pretty much too late. She hasn't left yet because of the kids. I haven't left yet because of the kids. We will be separating soon, I believe.
> 
> I bet kids have a lot to do with "Why don't they just leave?" in a lot of situations.


I agree. When an online EA starts between strangers, it can take a little while to develop. On the other hand, when it's an old flame (old high school/college boyfriend/girlfriend), it can happen VERY quickly, usually in just a few days. All the old feelings come rushing back and all of a sudden they are reminicing about their younger years and that young infatuation hits them like a truck. 

Then all of a sudden they can throw years and years of marriage and kids behind them and all they can think of is the OP and what they shared long ago. The fog definitely comes quick and thick then.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

They can either withdraw from you emotionally and sexually, or they can do the opposite and suddenly be more sexual and daring in the bedroom. OR they can fluctuate between both.

They can also start to have fights for you for absolutely trivial matters, matters that didn't bother them before. This is all part of the process where they start to demonize you so they can justify their affair actions to themselves and their AP. On the other hand, they can suddenly become the sweetest husband/wife imaginable because of their guilt. Like the emotional/sexual withdrawal, they can fluctuate between both. I know my WW did. For one week, she would be the sweetest, most caring woman, and I would thank my lucky stars that I married this woman. Then she would change and start screaming at me literally the moment she walked in the door after coming home from work. Holy Jeckyl and Hide.

Also watch for a change in sleep habits. My WW all of a sudden started sleeping in on Saturdays and Sundays when she was off, and we stopped going to church. I only found out later it was because she was up chatting and talking all night with her OM while I was asleep. She also started going to bed early, whereas before she would stay up late watching tv. This was because she had to get up early to call her OM while I was asleep.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Here's another one: Some actually accuse YOU of cheating! :rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"He/she is just a friend."


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## Nande (Jun 30, 2011)

These are all indicators that he might be cheating. In any case the relationship is in trouble. You can snoop, and check it out. But that also could be a violation of trust. It is a hard desicion to make.


You stop communicating. Suddenly your partner is not interested anymore in having conversations and he doesn't care what is on your mind.

Your partner frequently starts arguments with you. 

You find that your partner has suddenly updated their wardrobe (especially their underwear) 

He/she accuses you of cheating.

If your partner is cheating with someone you both know, he might criticize that person frequently to divert suspicion.

Your partner uses new terms or starts listening to different music.

Over all he might suddenly become interested in things that never interested him before.

He/she is not as affectionate anymore and doesn't complement you are tells you they love you.

On the flip side they may shower you with gifts and become especially attentive out of guild.

Your partner distances themselves from you and insists on more privacy in regards to finances, phone conversations the internet and personal habits.

Your partner will tell you that no matter what happens, they will always love you as a friend and their main goal is for you to find happiness.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> "He/she is just a friend."


yup yup, that's what I said too. "Just a friend" in cheaterese translates to "yeah, we're fvcking"


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

another sign is their cell phone. The first hint to me that my exH was doing something he shouldn't be doing was his cell phone. Normally when he would come home from work, he would place the phone on the charger and forget about it the rest of the night. I began to get suspicious when he started to always have his phone with him at ALL times. It even went with him to the bathroom (normally he would take a book to the bathroom) When that phone was in his hands, he had a grip on it like it was the winning lotto ticket, and he would always hold it face down or if I was sitting next to him and he was using the phone, he would hold it at an angle so I couldnt see. He also kept it on vibrate all the time. I never told him I was suspicious. I just kept watching him until one night I quietly took his phone, went through all the texts and found some very graphic sex texts between him and ow. Let's just say he got a very rude awakening. Be wtachful of their behavior with their phones too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep. Passcodes on cell phones, being secretive about it, talking in another room, being shady about the phone!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Oh yeah, in this day and age, just about every single affair has the cell phone as the main instrument, whether it be the primary cell phone, or the hidden secret affair cell phone (when the primary cell phone is compromised).

I just remembered something hilarious now that I think about it. In the midst of the EA (long before I knew of it), I woke up one morning and my WW literally ran into the bedroom while she was cooking breakfast, out of breath even, to grab her cell phone that was on the dresser. I was like, WTF? Now her behavior makes sense.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

-deleting pc history
-overly affectionate
-wanting to try "new" positions they wouldn't normally want to try
-sketchy details about their evenings spent without you
-never come home hungry even though it's dinnertime...like they've always just had dinner somewhere with someone
-new tastes in music
-a sudden renewed interest in their physical appearance


the list for me goes on and on...all the signs i missed.
especially the change in music. he once brought home a cd that OW had burned for him...and asked me to load it onto itunes to put it on his ipod. TOTALLY different than what he usually listened to...and everytime i got in his car,that was the album that was playing.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I woke up one morning and my WW literally ran into the bedroom while she was cooking breakfast, out of breath even, to grab her cell phone that was on the dresser. I was like, WTF? Now her behavior makes sense.


Lol, mine almost had hers glued to her hand. She admitted that she was permenently s****ing herself that I'd be holding it when a text came through.

The 'Duh' picture for me though, is that before the fling, she always FORGOT her phone and failed to charge it. But when the OM came onto the scene, she was suddenly never without it.

Like DUH! 
My conscious mind would not allow me to believe she'd do anything like that.
DUH again.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

they will tell you stories that just make absolutely no sense at all. My ex is a huge fan of the Dallas Cowboys. One day, around Christmas time, he came home from work with a large gift bag that had a DC hoodie and a DC ball cap in it. He told me that somebody had left it in the store (he was a general manager at a local restaurant) and since nobody claimed it, then he got to keep it. Well, being that I'm just not that stupid, I called him out on it but he stood by his story. Now, I do have BA in criminal justice but you dont have to be a detective to see right through this one. I mean, how convienent that the hoodie was just his size? And how convienent that the ball cap was just the right size for his giangatic head. And why would somebody even bring the gift into the restaurant? That should be left in their car. And if somebody really did leave it in the store, why were they not looking for it? I questioned him on all those things. Even though at the time, I could not prove otherwise, I knew that his ow had brought it for him. He never wore the hoodie because he's built like a stinking mountain gorilla with very broad shoulders and the hoodie wouldnt fit him right but he wore that danged ball cap day and night. I hated seeing "her" on top of his head. Then one day, that cap mysteriously vanished....why, I just haven't me the slightest idea what may have happened to it....(whistles, looks around innocently).......eventually the ow did confess to me that she did indeed buy those for him. So, stories that make no sense are good indicators too.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Lol, mine almost had hers glued to her hand. She admitted that she was permenently s****ing herself that I'd be holding it when a text came through.
> 
> The 'Duh' picture for me though, is that before the fling, she always FORGOT her phone and failed to charge it. But when the OM came onto the scene, she was suddenly never without it.
> 
> ...


exactly for me too, NB. My ex would simply put his phone on the charger and forget about it after work. Then suddenly he held onto it as if his life depended on it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

SIGNS OF CHEATING:


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

the last one is my favorite.

i'd like to write to the company that makes my husband's scrubs to see if they can do some pretty stitching to spell out CHEATING LYING BASTARD WITH NO REMORSE OR CONSCIENCE on the back of all his scrub shirts. Then a picture of a black hole on the front where his heart is supposed to be... with a sign above it that reads "missing"


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Maybe you could put a picture of a d**k on his hat too


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## Wondering1 (Jul 7, 2011)

You know that the affair has been going a while when....she will usually (before afair) maybe not ask for sex, but now she suddenly asks you for sex and quite often - this is because she feels a bit guilty of falling for another guy initially.
But, as soon as they have had sex and things become intimate, she rejects having sex with you because she is now loyal to her lover....

Oh yes, I have this quite funny and obvious one: she suddenly goes back onto the pill (without telling you) - that after she has been of it for years...

Then also she does not undress/dress openly in front of you anymore.

Or she suddenly does not sleep in those sexy clothes anymaore, but rather these granny type clothes.

Best for last....her panties are always soaking wet in the dirty laundry bin...


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Here's another one: Some actually accuse YOU of cheating! :rofl:


Yuppers! My H pulled this one while our roomate was still living with us. And he's 49 yrs old!


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

When a woman says she "needs time to herself"....usually translates to "I want to make my spouse think that I'm worn out and just need time alone"---which means "I want to have a good excuse to be away from you so I can spend time with my lover".


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

others have mentioned sex. Sometimes the cheating spouse wants more sex with you, sometimes they have less sex with you. If the cheater is the husband, pay attention to his performance and stamina. My normally very active sexual husband who never had issues before with rising suddenly stating having troubles getting it up. I had excused it before as stress (because he was without a job at the time) but turns out that Mr. Limpy was worn out from having sex with other women.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

:smthumbup:


AppleDucklings said:


> 3 words...."Just-A-Friend".



I absolutely agree with Apples !!!!!!!!!!!!

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

"Just a Friend "​


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sometimes, you CAN NOT trust your gut.

I am dealing with my issues of paranoia, distrust, and overall suspicious personality. My "gut" is out of wack.

Look at the person's overall character...does he cheat in other areas of his life? 

Just my opinion. Sometimes your gut isn't right---it's just damaged.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Sometimes, you CAN NOT trust your gut.
> 
> I am dealing with my issues of paranoia, distrust, and overall suspicious personality. My "gut" is out of wack.
> 
> ...


Thatgirl...OMGosh, I think we are the same. I have the same overall suspicious personality. I don't know if I should trust my gut feelings or not. I am currently going through IC and my therapist states that what I may be feeling is anxiety rather than that "gut" feeling. The symptoms I have do correlate with symptoms of anxiety. I'm trying to learn how to control these feelings rather than act on them which has really played a part in the marital issues we are now having.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes my IC said the same thing. She said I cannot trust myself and she's right.

I have ruined many good things by trusting myself lol...little did I know I was so very damaged.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Being in a good mood? Not being a scaly winged harpy?


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