# Preacher/Pastor's wife



## AnWeJo58

I was hoping things would get easier being a preacher/pastor's wife, but it's a pretty worthless lonely job. New to threads... anyone else a preacher's wife? If so, do you find yourself unappreciated, loved only in front of those at church so everyone will think you are the perfect in-love couple? It's like I'm not the one they see... they only see the perfect preacher's wife. All the while, my insides are screaming for a normal relationship.


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## Diana7

Do you have one or two special friends in the church you trust who you can share with?
How long have you been a preachers wife? Was he a preacher when you married?

You know you may well find that if you are more honest and open with people in the church that they may feel relieved and that they too can be honest and open.


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## *Deidre*

I’ve heard that this is common with wives of preachers - the very high expectations can be overwhelming at times.

Welcome to TAM - I think you’ll find the site to be supportive where you can get some objective advice.


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## sokillme

AnWeJo58 said:


> I was hoping things would get easier being a preacher/pastor's wife, but it's a pretty worthless lonely job. New to threads... anyone else a preacher's wife? If so, do you find yourself unappreciated, loved only in front of those at church so everyone will think you are the perfect in-love couple? It's like I'm not the one they see... they only see the perfect preacher's wife. All the while, my insides are screaming for a normal relationship.


Has this been discussed with your husband?


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## ShatteredKat

*AnWeJo58*

for me - it is a bit hard to fathom what you want out of your post.

Are you annoyed that the church membership/neighbors/family/PTA or ?? have an opinion of you that is not really who you are? 

Are you acting "as you perceive you should" and that is it, just an act, and you want to 
"be" different? If so, then how so?

Are you not telling us the whole story/situation/family life/relationships?

I'm thinking maybe your preacher-husband is a narcissist and you think you are stuck?

Are you of the thinking that if you do something like break a fingernail (ya, that can hurt) and you say expletives of any sort including blasphemy, you will suffer extreme ire of your preacher-husband?

Do you have some hidden or unspoken resentment regarding his $$$ to the family budget?

I'm thinking to myself - "what is so negative about being a preachers wife" that has you 
in stress? Other than being more in the "public eye" (and how much THAT you CAN control) - what IS bothering you?

FYI - decades ago - I dated, briefly, a preachers daughter and noticed the WHOLE family seemed to be "walking on tiptoe" when he was present. Daughter resented him.
Rest of family- didn't get to know them enough to perceive their mind-state.


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## Diana7

I have been friends with a few wife's of vicars/ pastors and they were just normal people with every day problems like the rest of us. Why do you feel you have to pretend to be someone you are not? Why do you feel you have to pretend that your marriage is perfect?


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## BeyondRepair007

AnWeJo58 said:


> I was hoping things would get easier being a preacher/pastor's wife, but it's a pretty worthless lonely job. New to threads... anyone else a preacher's wife? If so, do you find yourself unappreciated, loved only in front of those at church so everyone will think you are the perfect in-love couple? It's like I'm not the one they see... they only see the perfect preacher's wife. All the while, my insides are screaming for a normal relationship.


Confront him with scripture, show him how husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. And then define love in 1Cor13 and challenge him to live up to that.

If he truly is a God fearing man, he will respond to correction that is Bible-based. If he is not, then your marriage is a sham just as he is. Don’t stay in a sham marriage.


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## SunCMars

They have written dozens of books and made scores of movies about the Preacher's Wife.

You could start there and read and watch. Hopefully, chuckle, not cringe!

Most preacher wives are servants of four entities, The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost, and the Minister to those.

You sound like you are not your own person, you must answer to the Trinity, your husband, the congregation, and the village that knows you.

You step outside and immediately lose your inner identity.

This is not unusual. A soldier is not a real person, he is his rank.

A policeman is his position in society. He is everyone's daddy.

A CEO is head of a company and cannot freely express himself, lest he cause disruption, or the companies stock to fall.

You do not wear a uniform, but you are regimented, all the same.

Many are.



_King Brian- _I am my warren's sire and am never truly free_. _One's duty can be at times, limiting and stifling.

I am very short, yet all look up to me to do the right thing, by all!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

AnWeJo58 said:


> I was hoping things would get easier being a preacher/pastor's wife, but it's a pretty worthless lonely job. New to threads... anyone else a preacher's wife? If so, do you find yourself unappreciated, loved only in front of those at church so everyone will think you are the perfect in-love couple? It's like I'm not the one they see... they only see the perfect preacher's wife. All the while, my insides are screaming for a normal relationship.


One of my close friends pastored a large Presbyterian Church, he has four daughter, a beautiful wife, and his wife experienced what I think you are. My pal simply walked away from the pulpit To focus on his wife, and family. 

He realized the demands of the congregation were detrimental to his family, and shifted gears. He changed careers and is doing great, regular hours, and things seem to be much better.

Is you husband being pulled in fifty directions? No down time? Does he have assistant pastors? Have you discussed how you feel?

lastly, communication is key. Be honest and let him know how you feel. Right now you do not have a marriage.


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## AnWeJo58

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> One of my close friends pastored a large Presbyterian Church, he has four daughter, a beautiful wife, and his wife experienced what I think you are. My pal simply walked away from the pulpit To focus on his wife, and family.
> 
> He realized the demands of the congregation were detrimental to his family, and shifted gears. He changed careers and is doing great, regular hours, and things seem to be much better.
> 
> Is you husband being pulled in fifty directions? No down time? Does he have assistant pastors? Have you discussed how you feel?
> 
> lastly, communication is key. Be honest and let him know how you feel. Right now you do not have a marriage.


He works a full time job working third shift, sleeps during the day when he can, works on sermons and perfect power points to go with it on most of his open hours. He would never quit preaching. He feels like that is his main job in life now since he got "saved". We have a very small country church, so there are no assisstants. We have talked about it, but it never does any good. He gets defensive and I just end up frustrated.


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## Rob_1

AnWeJo58 said:


> He gets defensive and I just end up frustrated.



If your husband is not longer meeting your needs, and have not intentions to meet them, and dismiss you, my question to you is: what are you doing in this relationship? where is your pride and dignity?


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## LisaDiane

AnWeJo58 said:


> *I was hoping things would get easier being a preacher/pastor's wife*, but it's a pretty worthless lonely job. New to threads... anyone else a preacher's wife? If so, do you find yourself unappreciated, loved only in front of those at church so everyone will think you are the perfect in-love couple? It's like I'm not the one they see... they only see the perfect preacher's wife. All the while, my insides are screaming for a normal relationship.


Why did you think things would "get easier"...?? Easier than what?

And are you saying you are struggling in your relationship with your husband, or with God?


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## Twodecades

AnWeJo58 said:


> He works a full time job working third shift, sleeps during the day when he can, works on sermons and perfect power points to go with it on most of his open hours. He would never quit preaching. He feels like that is his main job in life now since he got "saved". We have a very small country church, so there are no assisstants. We have talked about it, but it never does any good. He gets defensive and I just end up frustrated.


Your putting the word "saved" in quotes is telling. Do you disagree with him theologically? That is not to shame you, because you are entitled to your own beliefs, even if they do not match his. But it sounds as if perhaps you aren't on the same page and perhaps that his faith did not predate your marriage. Even IF you are on the same page theologically, he should not have accepted a pastorship if you were not 100% on board with it. If you were not on the same page theologically, he should not have even considered it.

It sounds like you two have some communication issues, at the very least. Perhaps some boundary issues, as well. Ministry is hard on the strongest of marriages. You both should feel the calling and have the margin to carry it out. It doesn't sound like that is the case.


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## 346745

Do you feel you most act “holy.” Or something like that? Can’t be yourself? On a pedestal?


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## jorgegene

Still wondering more precisely what the main issue is here. Its a bit general and vague. Are you being ignored, under appreciated, lack of attention affection?
Does he not devote enough time to you two together? Too stressed out?


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