# Husband never asks for sex



## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

Hello everyone. Let's start. I am 29 years old and my husband is 30, and we are married for 2 years. We had dated 1 year before the wedding. 

My husband never asks me to have sex, he didn't do that for a long time. BUT he almost never denies sex if i ask. It scares me. I don't suspect on cheating, because he hardly leaves our home, only when he goes to work. I don't think he is gay, when we have sex he gets easily aroused, it doesn't make sense. 
I am decent looking, i think that i attract him. But he never asks for sex, he asked maybe few times in 2 years of our marriage. 
He is very good to me, he tries to remember anniversaries, to help me with housework, we communicate fine. I asked him several times why he never asks for sex, then he apologizes and tries to play along, for next two or three weeks he makes few sexual offers, and that's it, then he stops. 
There is one thing that also freaked me out, few times i saw him just standing in the middle of our bedroom or living room, just standing and staring at wall, thinking, or who knows what. Like that he freezes for few minutes. I saw that only few times, i pretended that i haven't seen it. Is that normal? 

Is any of this too scary for you? What should i do? Or i could be just overreacting...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Dara said:


> Hello everyone. Let's start. I am 29 years old and my husband is 30, and we are married for 2 years. We had dated 1 year before the wedding.
> 
> My husband never asks me to have sex, he didn't do that for a long time. BUT he almost never denies sex if i ask. It scares me. I don't suspect on cheating, because he hardly leaves our home, only when he goes to work. I don't think he is gay, when we have sex he gets easily aroused, it doesn't make sense.
> I am decent looking, i think that i attract him. But he never asks for sex, he asked maybe few times in 2 years of our marriage.
> ...


I never ask either just try and get denied mostly many men won't ask..asking is well unmanly to some how often do you initiate? does he ever initiate non verbally?


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I never ask either just try and get denied mostly many men won't ask..asking is well unmanly to some


Under term of ask, i meant any kind of attempt for sexual contact, not just official verbal question.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Dara said:


> Under term of ask, i meant any kind of attempt for sexual contact, not just official verbal question.


How often do you initiate?


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

Trying2figureitout said:


> How often do you initiate?


Not every day, few times i didn't want to initiate for few weeks, and it was like he didn't even register that.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Dara said:


> Not every day, few times i didn't want to initiate for few weeks, and it was like he didn't even register that.


Only way to find out is to not initiate longer or have him tell you. He may be into porn or other.

Most guys will seek sex way before 10 days especially with a willing wife.

Perhaps he likes you being in charge? is sexy knowing your woman wants it...and its uncommon for many men to have wives initiate in the first place..seems dynamics are a bit off.

Staring at the wall well that seems odd. Hes thinking about something obviously.


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Only way to find out is to not initiate longer or have him tell you. He may be into porn or other.
> 
> Most guys will seek sex way before 10 days especially with a willing wife.
> 
> ...


I could try not to initiate for longer period, but i somehow believe that he wont care. And i think even if he would initiate sex then, i think he would do it to make things less odd. 

I have followed his internet history search, i never saw any porn activity. He actually spends very little time on computer.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rather than making it something creepy, why don't you ask him. Tell him you'd prefer he'd initiate at least 1/2 of the time.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Dara said:


> I could try not to initiate for longer period, but i somehow believe that he wont care. And i think even if he would initiate sex then, i think he would do it to make things less odd.
> 
> I have followed his internet history search, i never saw any porn activity. He actually spends very little time on computer.


Since he does not seem to be forthcoming..I would recommend *not initiating* for a whole month or more and let him do it at least three times on his own... 

I think you need to get to the bottom of it for your own sanity and see if he has a sex drive for you.

If after a month or so nothing happens sit down with him and make him fess up what the deal is, could be something odd with the staring at the wall stuff.

I disagree with the discussing 1/2 time etc you have been there already..you need to see whats up and see if he truly has a sex drive for you or not.
Remember you husband is not deaf and actions speak louder than words..or whining.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are having sex fairly often... what would you say is the frequency?

Did your husband have any relationships before the one with you?

Apparently you have much higher sex drive than he does. Your husband is who he is. You can tell him that I would make you very happy is he were to initiate once in a while.. like maybe once a week or once every two weeks. Tell him that it's because you need to know that he is attracted to you. But if he does not initiate then there is little you can do.

Does he give you a reason why he does not initiate sex?

Have you asked him how he would feel if you never initiated again?

Long term his lack of initiating could have some very bad effects on your marriage. it might make you feel less and less desire for him. So you need to watch out for this.

Now about him standing and staring at the wall. Maybe he was just thinking about something. Next time he does it get two pots and bang them together loudly. See if he has a normal reaction to loud noises.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Dara said:


> Hello everyone. Let's start. I am 29 years old and my husband is 30, and we are married for 2 years. We had dated 1 year before the wedding.
> 
> My husband never asks me to have sex, he didn't do that for a long time. BUT he almost never denies sex if i ask. It scares me. I don't suspect on cheating, because he hardly leaves our home, only when he goes to work. I don't think he is gay, when we have sex he gets easily aroused, it doesn't make sense.
> I am decent looking, i think that i attract him. But he never asks for sex, he asked maybe few times in 2 years of our marriage.
> ...



Sounds like he is a passive guy, so you must be the aggressor. Wait for him to initiate and he usually won't.

I've never just stood in the middle of the room, doing nothing, starring. Odd....

Could be he is more LD and you are more HD. You initiative and never turns you down and he is more passive about it.

Maybe he finds you too hot for him and is a bit shy and not worthy?


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Rather than making it something creepy, why don't you ask him. Tell him you'd prefer he'd initiate at least 1/2 of the time.


Done that, and then he tries for 2 or 3 weeks and then it goes to the old tune.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Dara said:


> Done that, and then he tries for 2 or 3 weeks and then it goes to the old tune.


So it's like the reverse of a woman LD situation. He just doesn't have that in him.

For some of us men it becomes an itch that must be scratched, can be really distracting or even physically painful if it is not.


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you are having sex fairly often... what would you say is the frequency?
> 
> Did your husband have any relationships before the one with you?
> 
> ...


We have sex once in 2 days or 3 days, and only because i initiate. To make things clear, this is not about me wanting more sex, i just want him to initiate sometimes. 

He had one long relationship before me.

Thank you for the staring thing advice, i will do that if i see him do that again.


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Sounds like he is a passive guy, so you must be the aggressor. Wait for him to initiate and he usually won't.
> 
> I've never just stood in the middle of the room, doing nothing, starring. Odd....
> 
> ...


He was very shy when i met him.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Dara said:


> He was very shy when i met him.



I see.

That's just the way he is then.

You must be the aggressor and take sexual charge and initiate. I know it sucks and you want him to be more a man and take you but that is not the way he is. He is shy and passive, for now anyway. Maybe as time moves on, he will outgrow that? Maybe not.

I know if I don't initiate, my wifee won't most of the time and sex never happens. I must initiate or have sex 1x week or less. If I don't initiate, she wonders what's wrong? She also is shy and passive and its something I deal with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he's a good guy otherwise, can you learn to live with this? I might just be sexually responsive instead of more sexually aggressive.


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

So i should just accept this? I can try.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Dara said:


> So i should just accept this? I can try.



Most women want to be wanted is all I'm sayin..think you need to find out for your own good

Or am I assuming what women want again


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dara said:


> So i should just accept this? I can try.


I don't think I could live in the situation you have. I'm HD and initiate sex often. but when a man never initiates it makes me feel like he is not attracted to me. I would lose interest in him over time due to me being hurt by what feels like rejection.

A lot of men post on these forums that they also feel very rejected when their wife does not initiate at least part of the time. Many of these men lose attraction to their wives as well due to the their own feelings being hurt.

It's highly unlikely that any thing you say to him will get him to change. Your husband sounds like a man with a very low sexual drive. That's who he is. You say that he's very shy. This is probably part of it.

You have a few choices of how you can handle this.

1) If you want to stay and not rock the boat than accept him as he is.

2) If you want to try to get him to change get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". Tell him that you need for him to read it with you and for him to work through what the books says to do. The book talks about this sort of things and how to negotiate with your spouse. it might help.

3) If 2 does not work and you really need for him to initiate then you can leave him.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Books are great when the other spouse wants to read them otherwise they are only good for you.

The choices based on his prior response:

1. Acceptance as is, don't hold it over his head then.
2. Try an experiment as I stated earlier
3. Suggest a doctor visit for him
4. Misery
5. Divorce
6. Outsource cheat with a more normal man


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Not initiating sex, just to wait him out is shooing yourself and your relationship in the foot. Whether you are male or female.

Explain to your H why him showing his desire for you by initiating sex is so important. You might even come up with a nonverbal signal of some sort that lets him know you want him to initiate sex that day. Whether you want him to just initiate sex, or seduce you or chase you around the bed and rip your clothes off... 

Try to discover if he doesn't do those things because he is uncomfortable, because it doesn't cross his mind, or he needs you to alway be the aggressor.

You must be another troll because according to Trying2figureitout, women don't want sex as much as men do!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Not initiating sex, just to wait him out is shooing yourself and your relationship in the foot. Whether you are male or female.
> 
> Explain to your H why him showing his desire for you by initiating sex is so important. You might even come up with a nonverbal signal of some sort that lets him know you want him to initiate sex that day. Whether you want him to just initiate sex, or seduce you or chase you around the bed and rip your clothes off...
> 
> ...



Now now, even I know there are exceptions...reason for her not initiating is to get of the dynamic she has now not knowing. Pretty sure men are the same as women they don't listen to their spouse at all. Thus action instead of whining is warranted.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

It may just not be as high of a need of your husband's. Do you notice that he seems to need other things more than sex? I don't think it's not normal.

My husband doesn't ask for it either. He seems too shy to ask for it. Yet, he LOVES when we do it. He hits on me, but he'll never ASK me to have sex with him. I think it's a respect thing.

He used to have a problem with porn but quit cold turkey for me, and today I asked if he was struggling with it. He told me that he wished we had more sex. Seriously, I never would have known if I wouldn't have said anything. So it's a mix of embarrassment/respect for you. I wouldn't worry about it. Just tell him you want him to initiate it some. Also ask how much of a need it is for him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

T2, perhaps you should talk a little bit about your PLAN and how well it's working for you? I think Dara would be curious to know how well your plan has solved your sexless marriage.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Dara said:


> There is one thing that also freaked me out, few times i saw him just standing in the middle of our bedroom or living room, just standing and staring at wall, thinking, or who knows what. Like that he freezes for few minutes. I saw that only few times, i pretended that i haven't seen it. Is that normal?
> 
> 
> > That is not good at all. It might be nothing, or it might be small seizures. Get him to a brain doctor...they can tell if he is having TIAs, and get him on the right medication. If he IS having TIAs at this young age, he might have a full stroke soon. There might be other reasons, like mild eplilepsy.
> ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He may have a passive personality, may be low drive, or may just feel uncomfortable asking for some reason. Perhaps he has low testosterone - low enough to not think to initiate, but not so low as to be unable to respond to you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Only way to find out is to not initiate longer or have him tell you. He may be into porn or other.


Surely you can see the potential problems with this approach? She doesn't initiate translates to "my wife won't have sex with me". Husband finds TAM and posts about the problem. "We had sex regularly and the last month, she hasn't wanted it." What's going to happen? He is told "bait and switch" or affair or she's just not into him (and sex because, you know, women aren't as into sex as men.  )... when all along, it was because she followed the advice to not initiate sex for a month.

Dara, don't take that advice. The one thing I agree with T2 about is that books work only if the spouse is inclined to read them. Otherwise, it's a waste of money. Try again to tell him how important this is to you. Point out that even a caress while cooking dinner would show initiative... or whatever other touch you wish. But he needs to see how important this is to you.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Surely you can see the potential problems with this approach? She doesn't initiate translates to "my wife won't have sex with me". Husband finds TAM and posts about the problem. "We had sex regularly and the last month, she hasn't wanted it." What's going to happen? He is told "bait and switch" or affair or she's just not into him (and sex because, you know, women aren't as into sex as men.  )... when all along, it was because she followed the advice to not initiate sex for a month.
> 
> Dara, don't take that advice. The one thing I agree with T2 about is that books work only if the spouse is inclined to read them. Otherwise, it's a waste of money. Try again to tell him how important this is to you. Point out that even a caress while cooking dinner would show initiative... or whatever other touch you wish. But he needs to see how important this is to you.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


She already talked and is not happy..action warranted


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Maricha75 said:
> 
> 
> > Surely you can see the potential problems with this approach? She doesn't initiate translates to "my wife won't have sex with me". Husband finds TAM and posts about the problem. "We had sex regularly and the last month, she hasn't wanted it." What's going to happen? He is told "bait and switch" or affair or she's just not into him (and sex because, you know, women aren't as into sex as men.
> ...


But I thought withholding sex was never warranted. Which is it? It's a serious question. T2, you have said many times, in multiple threads, that it is wrong for a wife to withhold sex... ever. Now, you are advocating it. Which is it? :scratchhead:

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> But I thought withholding sex was never warranted. Which is it? It's a serious question. T2, you have said many times, in multiple threads, that it is wrong for a wife to withhold sex... ever. Now, you are advocating it. Which is it? :scratchhead:
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


In this case I advocate withholding because SHE actually wants it which is atypical and she needs to see if her husband has a sex drive and if he will do anything about it on his own.

Talking she has done that besides he won't tell her and if she keeps initiating she is in an unnatural position as a wife and questioning her attractiveness.

I advocate a month trial of her not doing the same thing to see if he gets a rise or not. For the average man that means initiating with a willing partner 

This is a unique case

As for normal situations where the husband is trying like normal I don't advocate wives EVER witholding except very rarely and in the rare case


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

The They Might Be Giants song Women and Men comes to mind. Silly song. Silly poster.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

T2, hers is no more unique than the others you have berated for withholding, or for their PERCEIVED withholding. I maintain the same stance. Dara, don't withhold. Find another way to figure out if he is just reactive or low drive/low desire.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

My husband is just like yours. I came here last year seeking advice and received the same exact advise as you. It is all good advice and I tried all of it. Thank you forum members. 

Nearly a year later, things are still the same. If I want sex I have to go get it. 

I tried an experiment where I did not initiate for 6 months, just to see what would happen. Well, we had sex maybe twice a month and that was only because if he by chance touched my arm for more than 2 minutes I took that as his attempt to initiate. Because he could never get further than that. If I did not take the next step he would rub my arm forever. LOL. True story. He never once questioned why we went from having sex 5 times a week to 2 times a month! Maybe he was relieved?

The other thing I did was stop giving him oral. He gives me oral about once year (it is not my favorite thing, I never ask for it, so not a big deal). But, I was trying to make a point. I wanted him to WANT me to do give him oral. What man never wants this? Guess what...he never once asked or motioned for me to go south of the border. My experiment fell on deaf ears. Again, true story. Well, I happen to enjoy giving oral. It is a huge turn on for me, So I am back to doing it.

By nature, I am aggressive outside of the bedroom and in my career. In the bedroom I consider myself submissive. But I also like to be the one in control at times. 

In the dating years he was more assertive, but he changed. I think because he was always drinking when we got together and had liquid courage. But now, I have to take all the "next steps" to advance a session. I mean, he will not even take the initiative to penetrate me.

I felt my choices were to live with it, divorce, or cheat. I have decided to live with it for now. 

But I will not lie. It makes me feel horrible that he does not want me. Just once I want him to desire me. Just take me. But he refuses. So I decided this is just who he is and I have to accept it. 

I wish you luck!


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

I wish to thank you all for your comments, and advice, including doctor advice for the staring thing.


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

where_are_we said:


> My husband is just like yours. I came here last year seeking advice and received the same exact advise as you. It is all good advice and I tried all of it. Thank you forum members.
> 
> Nearly a year later, things are still the same. If I want sex I have to go get it.
> 
> ...


Your situation is very similar to mine. The difference is my husband would never let me do oral sex. He thinks it is disgusting and humiliating for me and that he loves me too much to let me do that. I don't complain about that, i am not too eager for having penis in my mouth. I guess i am married to a weird-rare kind of man. I guess i have to replace these holes with his other qualities. Nothing is perfect and at least something must be missing to ruin it.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Dara said:


> There is one thing that also freaked me out, few times i saw him just standing in the middle of our bedroom or living room, just standing and staring at wall, thinking, or who knows what. Like that he freezes for few minutes.


OK, am I the only one who read this initial post and thought THIS is the most important (and yes, creepy) part of the post? Not the initiating sex part. This is weird behavior. Sorry, but the thought that came to mind was the last scene in the movie "The Blair Witch Project". The crux of his problem/issue lies deep within this behavior. I think you need to get to the bottom of this and worry about the sex later.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thunder7 said:


> OK, am I the only one who read this initial post and thought THIS is the most important (and yes, creepy) part of the post? Not the initiating sex part. This is weird behavior. Sorry, but the thought that came to mind was the last scene in the movie "The Blair Witch Project". The crux of his problem/issue lies deep within this behavior. I think you need to get to the bottom of this and worry about the sex later.


A few others commented on this. It's hard say what's going on because we cannot witness it.

I have an ex-BIL who would sit for hours staring at a blank TV. He did this all the time. It weirded everyone out. There was nothing wrong with him in the sense of a neurological or brain problem. He just liked to sit and think, or not think. Who knows what he was doing.

Dara does need to keep an eye out for this to see if he's having some kind of "event" that needs attention.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Yeah, but I would venture a guess that most people who just liked to think would go for a walk, or whittle a piece of wood......or something. But to just fixate on an object and zone out like that? Sorry, that falls into the creepy category.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I really don't see anything wrong with freezing and thinking for a few minutes.

I do think that a lot more young men got into the porn and self pleasure habit and didn't stop when they got married than people want to believe.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Regarding the staring at the wall for a few minutes, it does sound to me like it could be a seizure of some sort, or something like that. I knew a pastor who would do that sometimes, in the middle of a sermon. It doesn't sound creepy to me that Dara's husband does this, but it does sound like a cause for concern.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Jack Nicholson at the typewriter in 'The Shining'. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Hundreds and hundreds of pages of it.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I really don't see anything wrong with freezing and thinking for a few minutes.
> 
> I do think that a lot more young men got into the porn and self pleasure habit and didn't stop when they got married than people want to believe.


I meant to also add that my hubby is a "deep thinker" and does that too. I do not think it is weird. I have seen other people do this as well. So long as he is not having some type of seizure. Just keep an eye on it. 

I also agree with the porn use and getting accustomed to the vice grip. I know mine uses it a lot and lies about it, even though I don't even care that he watches it. :scratchhead:

I don't snoop on him. I just know because I am not stupid. i.e. The lube and computer are on his nightstand when I return from a business trip.......he has zero control issues after a dry spell with me. It's not rocket science! lol


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> In this case I advocate withholding because SHE actually wants it which is atypical and she needs to see if her husband has a sex drive and if he will do anything about it on his own.


:iagree:

Suggesting that the aggressor stop initiating to see what the non-aggressor will do is not the same as withholding sex altogether. IMO. I interpret this post as him suggesting she stop initiating to see what he will do!


I did do this and I discovered from that experience that he did not seem to notice or care. This helped me to determine it is just who he is. And yes, I did talk to him about it before I got to this point until I was blue in the face. Point blank, no sugar coating, feelings and all.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

These behaviors are very common among people who just aren't that sexual, male or female.

Especially the not initiating part. People who just aren't that sexual don't "remember" to think of sex in the way people who are more sexual do. 

There's really nothing wrong with people who just aren't that sexual. The only thing wrong that happens is when they are in a relationship with someone who is more sexual than they are.

Otherwise, if two people who aren't that sexual get together, they can be quite happy with a low amount of very good sex. They are healthy and happy that way. Nothing any more wrong with them than there is wrong with people who are horny all the time, every day (myself included).


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

there is not enough information to conclude that he is simply just not that sexual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, there is. And when where_are_we showed up a year ago, I told her the same thing based on the same amount of evidence (ie: a few posts) and this turned out to be correct.

When you read enough stories, you see the patterns.

If I'm wrong, I'm sure the OP will come back with some more info or changes. But I doubt she will.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Unless he is hiding something.

personally I think the best outcome would be that he's just LD. you can accept it and stop worrying.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Just LD" is the same as "not very sexual".


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> In this case I advocate withholding because SHE actually wants it which is atypical and she needs to see if her husband has a sex drive and if he will do anything about it on his own.
> 
> Talking she has done that besides he won't tell her and if she keeps initiating she is in an unnatural position as a wife and questioning her attractiveness.
> 
> ...


No it isn't a unique case at all. You are not a professional and you really have very little idea. LD men are not that uncommon but the dynamics of a relationship where the man is LD can be quite different to a relationship where the woman is LD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> These behaviors are very common among people who just aren't that sexual, male or female.
> 
> Especially the not initiating part. People who just aren't that sexual don't "remember" to think of sex in the way people who are more sexual do.
> 
> ...


I'm surprised that you guys can't comprehend that he might have been trained by an ex.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Holland said:


> No it isn't a unique case at all. You are not a professional and you really have very little idea. LD men are not that uncommon but the dynamics of a relationship where the man is LD can be quite different to a relationship where the woman is LD.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



See you are inaccurate using common terms like LD/HD

It depends on the relationship not the person


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Holland said:


> Trying2figureitout said:
> 
> 
> > In this case I advocate withholding because SHE actually wants it which is atypical and she needs to see if her husband has a sex drive and if he will do anything about it on his own.
> ...


Holland, it's pointless attempting to argue logic with T2. He has an idea in his head and there is nothing anyone can say that will sway him. It doesn't matter that one woman says she has talked and talked to her husband about something needing to be changed. She was evil for withholding. Now, Dara has talked and talked and he tells her to withhold. And, yes, it IS withholding because she has tried in the past to get him to step up an initiate more... and it is short lived. By not initiating, she is withholding. She knows he won't initiate. So, instead, she gets no sex for a month. But it's completely different. 

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Holland, it's pointless attempting to argue logic with T2. He has an idea in his head and there is nothing anyone can say that will sway him. It doesn't matter that one woman says she has talked and talked to her husband about something needing to be changed. She was evil for withholding. Now, Dara has talked and talked and he tells her to withhold. And, yes, it IS withholding because she has tried in the past to get him to step up an initiate more... and it is short lived. By not initiating, she is withholding. She knows he won't initiate. So, instead, she gets no sex for a month. But it's completely different.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



yes it is as I as a man have more logic. Just the way it is.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Dara said:


> Hello everyone. Let's start. I am 29 years old and my husband is 30, and we are married for 2 years. We had dated 1 year before the wedding.
> 
> My husband never asks me to have sex, he didn't do that for a long time. BUT he almost never denies sex if i ask. It scares me. I don't suspect on cheating, because he hardly leaves our home, only when he goes to work. I don't think he is gay, when we have sex he gets easily aroused, it doesn't make sense.
> I am decent looking, i think that i attract him. But he never asks for sex, he asked maybe few times in 2 years of our marriage.
> He is very good to me, he tries to remember anniversaries, to help me with housework, we communicate fine. I asked him several times why he never asks for sex, then he apologizes and tries to play along, for next two or three weeks he makes few sexual offers, and that's it, then he stops.


This is how DH was for a long time. It was a combination of shyness and awkwardness. He really didn't know how to be around a woman sexually. His limited experience with women didn't help and the ladies he had been with just ruined sex for him.
DH is also a good man like your husband...always remembers special days,helps out,etc. 

Is your DH more silly than passionate? When things get too intense does he try to turn it into something silly and light?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> By not initiating, she is withholding. She knows he won't initiate. So, instead, she gets no sex for a month. But it's completely different.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I disagree that not initiating is the same as wittholding. 

The first definition of the term witthold that was returned on the internet:

witthold: refuse to give (something that is due to or is desired by another).

For it to be considered wttholding, she would have to refuse. If he came to her and stated he wanted sex either by words or actions, she would not deny him. The suggestion here was to not initiate, not to also deny him if he initiates.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think stopping initiating is a good way for the HD spouse to really see what will happen, so they will know how their LD spouse reacts to it.

Does the LD spouse feel relieved because sex is not being initiated?

Do they feel worried that the HD spouse has stopped, are they concerned it means something is wrong?

Do they even notice?

Do they step up and initiate themselves?

Knowing this about the LD spouse helps the HD spouse in several ways. It is not a long term solution, but it does help give the HD spouse clarity.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Maricha75 said:
> 
> 
> > Holland, it's pointless attempting to argue logic with T2. He has an idea in his head and there is nothing anyone can say that will sway him. It doesn't matter that one woman says she has talked and talked to her husband about something needing to be changed. She was evil for withholding. Now, Dara has talked and talked and he tells her to withhold. And, yes, it IS withholding because she has tried in the past to get him to step up an initiate more... and it is short lived. By not initiating, she is withholding. She knows he won't initiate. So, instead, she gets no sex for a month. But it's completely different.
> ...


Give it a rest, T2. Logic implies that you know what you're talking about. Dara's thread is not the place to rehash your posts. I don't want to see her thread closed as NS requested hers to be.

edited for stupid auto correct error.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> Maricha75 said:
> 
> 
> > By not initiating, she is withholding. She knows he won't initiate. So, instead, she gets no sex for a month. But it's completely different.
> ...


First definition that was returned from the Internet when I searched was this:

to hold back from action, to refrain. 

And not initiating is not the same as holding back from action? Hey, if she wants to do the experiment, that's her choice. But knowing that he rarely initiates, unless she pushes for it, and it only lasts a few weeks, kind of tells her that he doesn't like to initiate. I might have missed a post from Dara, but did she say she asked him WHY he doesn't initiate? If not, I would start there, rather than most likely not having sex for a month.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Give it a rest, T2. Logic implies that you know what you're talking about. Dara's thread is not the place to rehash your posts. I don't want to see her thread closed as NSFW requested hers to be.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


That was the other Op's choice... if I violate terms turn me in or ignore me otherwise I am her trying to help and if I have something to add I will.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Dara said:


> My husband never asks me to have sex, he didn't do that for a long time. BUT he almost never denies sex if i ask. It scares me. I don't suspect on cheating, because he hardly leaves our home, only when he goes to work. I don't think he is gay, when we have sex he gets easily aroused, it doesn't make sense.
> I am decent looking, i think that i attract him. *But he never asks for sex, he asked maybe few times in 2 years of our marriage.*
> He is very good to me, he tries to remember anniversaries, to help me with housework, we communicate fine. *I asked him several times why he never asks for sex, then he apologizes and tries to play along, for next two or three weeks he makes few sexual offers, and that's it, then he stops.*


Ok, I went back to the initial post. The part in bold is what I have been trying to address. I get that you have asked him why, but you say he apologizes and takes the initiative for a few weeks, then goes back to status quo. Between the asking why and his apologies, did you ever get a straight answer from him as to WHY? If so, what did he say (other than apologizing)? If not, I say ASK AGAIN and don't let it go until you get a straight answer. Personally, I wouldn't stop initiating sex, but that's just me. Like Anon said, it would be shooting yourself in the foot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> yes it is as I as a man have more logic. Just the way it is.


:banghead: .............. :banghead: .............. :banghead: .............. :banghead:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> :banghead: .............. :banghead: .............. :banghead: .............. :banghead:


Ouch


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girls Do Better Than Boys in School at All Ages and Subjects, Study Finds - NBC News

Why Women Finally Have Higher IQs than Men | TIME.com


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Girls Do Better Than Boys in School at All Ages and Subjects, Study Finds - NBC News
> 
> Why Women Finally Have Higher IQs than Men | TIME.com


Does that make them more logical...no


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Define logic and what it is applied to so that we can then look for the research behind "men are more logical". There isn't any, you know.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Girls Do Better Than Boys in School at All Ages and Subjects, Study Finds - NBC News
> ...


Depends on the subject. On some things, my husband is more logical. On others, I am. Same with my sister and her husband, and how it was with my mom and dad, as well as many other couples I know. Either way, it doesn't affect how logical you may or may not be. Your posts are all we have to go by...

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

The male brain seeks to develop a set of logical rules that guide another person's behavior. When a man can't understand someone else's behavior through logic, he tends to become confused about how to proceed [source: Kanazawa]. Women, on the other hand, may be more empathetic because their brains' mirror neurons are more sensitive than men's.

http://curiosity.discovery.com/question/are-men-women-wired-differently


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you actually check the source: Kanasawa, you find an article from 2000 about one study of 20 men and women.

What else ya got?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you actually check the source: Kanasawa, you find an article from 2000 about one study of 20 men and women.
> 
> What else ya got?


Spock


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Can't find any, can you?

Right. Thanks for wasting my time, but it has been fun proving you wrong. Buh bye.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Can't find any, can you?
> 
> Right.


No I just don't need to dig up articles to prove I'm right..I know I'm right


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Can't find any, can you?
> ...



... 

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> No I just don't need to dig up articles to prove I'm right..I know I'm right


What you "know" is an old gender stereo type created by men so they could feel superior, even though they aren't.

Let me know when you find something....I won't be waiting around as I know you won't be able to.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> No I just don't need to dig up articles to prove I'm right..I know I'm right


And there you have it, folks:. A shining examplar of male logic.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Dara said:


> There is one thing that also freaked me out, few times i saw him just standing in the middle of our bedroom or living room, just standing and staring at wall, thinking, or who knows what. Like that he freezes for few minutes. I saw that only few times, i pretended that i haven't seen it. Is that normal?



Hello Dara - forgive me please if this was already addressed by others but it is what got my main attention. Is there any other corroborating behavior indicating a possible behavioral condition? 

You might consider mentioning your concerns to your family physician on your next visit. This maybe nothing but I wouldn't explain it away. 

Good luck.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, in my marriage I'm more HD than my wife. We worked out a pretty good plan for intimacy. We have sex every other day with some additional rendezvous mixed in. Granted there's no true spontaneity, but it ends up being a nice thing to look forward yo for the both of us. Sometimes she's really excited and other times she wants to please me. But in all cases, we see sex as a way to stay connected to each other. Our arrangement may not be right for everyone, but I KNOW that we'll be having sex on Thursday. We're not worried about whose turn it is to initiate or if anyone will be initiating. We just know that we're ready. We think on the same wavelength. 

I'll admit that I still want daily, but that will not be in the cards in all likelihood.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

always_alone said:


> And there you have it, folks:. A shining examplar of male logic.


Please don't. Don't paint men with the broad T2 brush. Don't become the female version of him. Just step away.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think this is a perfect example where we all need to go and hit the ignore button.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I know there is no point having a discussion with T2, Maricha, normally I ignore most of his waffle.

Problem is that T2 you taint most of your posts with your dislike of women because of your own ****ty marriage, this is NOT logical.
While you are here letting off your passive aggressive steam it may well ease your own pain, problem is that the words you spout are actually harming other people and that is not on. You really have little understanding of human sexuality but portray yourself as some kind of expert, maybe this is how you sooth your own pain, maybe it is to help promote your "plan"?
Either way you are so wrong so often. There are plenty of LD men in the world and the OP needs conversation with others that have had this experience, what you have to offer here is invalid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

always_alone said:


> And there you have it, folks:. A shining examplar of male logic.


No, that's an example of HIS logic. Put down the glasses.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He was banned.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Dara said:


> Hello everyone. Let's start. I am 29 years old and my husband is 30, and we are married for 2 years. We had dated 1 year before the wedding.
> 
> My husband never asks me to have sex, he didn't do that for a long time. BUT he almost never denies sex if i ask. It scares me. I don't suspect on cheating, because he hardly leaves our home, only when he goes to work. I don't think he is gay, when we have sex he gets easily aroused, it doesn't make sense.



Its good that you don't automatically suspect cheating, as I was the same way as your husband, but that is only because I was always constantly rejected and I grew tired of asking or initiating affection after a while and waited for her to do it.

So not saying this is the case with you, but was there ever a time where you just had a low drive for a long time and rejected him? Or perhaps you had kids and parental responsibilities took precedence for a while or anything like that?

If not, not sure what to tell you other than he probably just figures if you want it you'll ask for it since women are in control of whether it happens or not


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I just read through this thread and responded to OPs concerns on topic.

Having said that, how the hell did this thread snowball into a "women are superior to men, and vice versa" thread?

Mods? Cleanup?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Surely you can see the potential problems with this approach? She doesn't initiate translates to "my wife won't have sex with me".


Exactly, its what happened to me. I initiated sex/affection all the time early in my marriage, only to be rejected constantly. So I got tired of trying. So she ends up cheating because I didn't initiate any longer, even though she would have rejected me anyway.


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## Dara (Jul 7, 2014)

Sorry for not replying for so long. 

I was again, for some reason, waiting for him to initiate, and it didn't happen, so last night we were sitting doing nothing, and i asked him, do you miss something, he gave me such confused blur look, i realized how wrong all this is, so i put him in a corner, so he wouldn't avoid the subject, he tends to do that when it is tense. I kept asking, he tried to make all of this silly, but i kept insisting, and then he exploded, he yelled at me, that i don't have to know everything, to leave him alone and he left for a walk or something. But before he exploded, while he was still trying to avoid the answer, he said silently something like, i don't know, it's boring... Ever since that incident, we don't talk too much to each other.

I will have to make things clear to the end, no matter if he runs away again.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sex is boring... So what does he find exciting? And where is he getting his rocks off?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Telling your wife that sex with her is getting boring can't be easy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He didn't really... He muttered it and then got really angry.

That sounds a lot like guilt.


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## Bluegalinpa (Jul 12, 2014)

Dara, maybe he is uncomfortable asking or initiating? Despite everything you read about men being such hound dogs when it comes to sex, I don't think this holds true for every man.

If you know he isn't cheating (or watching porn?) and he treats you good, you communicate, and he doesn't turn you down, I wouldn't worry. Be the initiator and perhaps in time, he will become more comfortable and begin initiating on his own.


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## Godot (Feb 21, 2014)

where_are_we said:


> My husband is just like yours. I came here last year seeking advice and received the same exact advise as you. It is all good advice and I tried all of it. Thank you forum members.
> 
> Nearly a year later, things are still the same. If I want sex I have to go get it.
> 
> ...


I joined a few months ago with the same problem. My husband is so boring and hard to be around. I almost hate him. I often do hate him. The only time we have sex is when I initiate and the only way we have foreplay is when I suck him off. I feel more shy and not aggressive, but I have learned to be aggressive to not get walked on, but I really want a man to protect me, cherish me and ravage me. He drank when we dated and was a lot more fun, but he drank all the fricken time. He had to quit, and now he is like a girl friend. I have talked, bought sex toys, and even got him to read some dirty novels about a beam club. I long for him to take me in hand when I have a smart mouth, and paddle my ass. I want him to tie me up and blindfold me and just take control of the situation. But he has no idea what to do. If he got to that point, he would probably just jerk off. I am to the point that I am almost ready to cheat. Been married 6 years, together for 8, and he can't even get me wet. I love sex, and enjoy initiating, but not every single time. Right now, the only thing keeping me from cheating is the fact that some weirdo could kill me. Not morals, and I am not a cheater, I feel justifiedsince he doesn't give me what I need, and he knows I need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Godot (Feb 21, 2014)

where_are_we said:


> I meant to also add that my hubby is a "deep thinker" and does that too. I do not think it is weird. I have seen other people do this as well. So long as he is not having some type of seizure. Just keep an eye on it.
> 
> I also agree with the porn use and getting accustomed to the vice grip. I know mine uses it a lot and lies about it, even though I don't even care that he watches it. :scratchhead:
> 
> I don't snoop on him. I just know because I am not stupid. i.e. The lube and computer are on his nightstand when I return from a business trip.......he has zero control issues after a dry spell with me. It's not rocket science! lol


Lol! Yeah, after waiting 2 weeks for him to imitate, I finally do, and I am sucking him in the shower and he is just taking it, no control issues at all. Duh. If I don't intitate, he'll just beat it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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