# Do you feel people preasure to hook up with someone new ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

It hasn't even been two yrs for me yet but l'm surprised at people already making comments along the - it's time you found someone new type thing .
l've had it a few times but just other day my brothers gf came out with stuff.
lt was nice to hear on one level , oh l'm going to waste , l'm such a good catch , l could get this or l should do that , like it's time l found someone .
l've had that type of thing a few times from people . l've already had a couple of short stints with new gf's anyway , l just haven't flaunted them so most wouldn't even realize . l've also met quite a few .

But 19 yrs , that's a lot of married and family life to work through emotionally , don't people realize that , you need time ?
And don't they realize you can't just pluck any old person out of the sky after all this and start a new relationship ? 
Or that not just anyone will do after all that .

Mind you , sometimes l even feel like that , l should've this by now or that .
But at the same time anyway , should've something too serious had come along already it would have been too soon for me anyway .
lt's all weird !


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> It hasn't even been two yrs for me yet but l'm surprised at people already making comments along the - it's time you found someone new type thing .
> l've had it a few times but just other day my brothers gf came out with stuff.
> lt was nice to hear on one level , oh l'm going to waste , l'm such a good catch , l could get this or l should do that , like it's time l found someone .
> l've had that type of thing a few times from people . l've already had a couple of short stints with new gf's anyway , l just haven't flaunted them so most wouldn't even realize . l've also met quite a few .
> ...


I can only tell you my experience, but I've been divorced almost four years and haven't been on a date.

I simply have no desire so far. I've discovered that I'm ok with being single. Someone may come along and sweep me off my feet some day, but I'm not looking. 

I don't know why people think a single person is always a lonely person. People have different personalities.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

The other weird thing is , like don't people realize the mess the split left your life in.

Hell l had to finish of the house alone, sort out heaps of debts , find a way of making this work for me and my daughter, sell the house , move and run a small business . Come to terms and adjust with everything that's happened. 
Although there has been a lot of lonely nights hell , l haven't even had the time for a new relationship yet let alone the head space and finances .

Just seems crazy people don't seem to get any of that until you explain some of it .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

southbound said:


> I can only tell you my experience, but I've been divorced almost four years and haven't been on a date.
> 
> I simply have no desire so far. I've discovered that I'm ok with being single. Someone may come along and sweep me off my feet some day, but I'm not looking.
> 
> I don't know why people think a single person is always a lonely person. People have different personalities.


Yeah right . Glad to see l'm not the only one. l dunno to me , 4yrs , that seems very logical . Going through this stuff is huge , getting over it.

l've had no desire either really and with one girl l did meet , l was actually subconsciously worried it might turn into serious and l just felt that was too soon for me.

l do feel like l could handle and enjoy something from here on though , but up until now , really , l haven't even felt like it anyway tbh .


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye I get it all the time

I say FK people pressure, I do what I want not what they reckon is good for me... pffft, "good for me", as if a fking relationship was ever good for me. My daughter's the only good thing that came out of the mess from marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

whitehawk said:


> It hasn't even been two yrs for me yet but l'm surprised at people already making comments along the - it's time you found someone new type thing .
> l've had it a few times but just other day my brothers gf came out with stuff.
> lt was nice to hear on one level , oh l'm going to waste , l'm such a good catch , l could get this or l should do that , like it's time l found someone .
> l've had that type of thing a few times from people . l've already had a couple of short stints with new gf's anyway , l just haven't flaunted them so most wouldn't even realize . l've also met quite a few .
> ...



I think it maybe comes from a good place. people who care about you worry you are lonely and that getting back out there will help.

Hard for people to understand they position I suppose


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah good point wolf. l think like even my brothers gf the other day did mean well, she is a pretty caring person .


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't think most people really do realize the hole that a divorce blows in your entire life. Especially people who haven't been through it. 

I know in my case, there was no "me" before there was an "us". I was 15 when we got together an 36 when we divorced. It's taken a bit of putting things back together to even figure out who I am if I'm not his wife, part of that couple. It was, frankly, just really weird to be single. 

But I find I rather like it. I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of my divorce. While I'm not ready for a serious new relationship yet, I am starting to feel like dating might be something fun. Starting to finally notice other men, when I'd completely tuned them out for so long. And, yes, I'm getting the well-meaning but slightly pushy "So, are you dating yet?" and "You should get back out there!" lines from people who care about me. They want me to be happy. But most also realize - and take the time to tell me directly - that since my divorce, I look and seem happier than they've ever seen me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, I don't.

I definitely felt it more when the split was brand new (which I thought was insane advice). "Best way to get over someone is to get under someone." Well, not for me. 

People don't really pressure me to date/see others, etc.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> No, I don't.
> 
> I definitely felt it more when the split was brand new (which I thought was insane advice). *"Best way to get over someone is to get under someone."* Well, not for me.
> 
> People don't really pressure me to date/see others, etc.


I've had people advise me to try the bold above, too. It's usually a really squicky pick-up line from a really squicky dude who'd like to be the one I'm getting under.  Or a woman who has been trying that very same tactic for the 5+ years since her own divorce and still can't figure out why she can't find a good man.  

The best way to get over someone is to figure your sh!t out and get your head on straight. So you don't end up repeating the mistakes of your past and/or persecuting some new person in your life for whatever it is your ex did.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I do not feel pressure, but people have been asking me lately if I have a boyfriend. Well, I certainly do not yet if I had a boyfriend I would not tell you.

(btw, blue eyes is not my boyfriend, seriously! )


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ne9907 said:


> I do not feel pressure, but people have been asking me lately if I have a boyfriend. Well, I certainly do not yet if I had a boyfriend I would not tell you.
> 
> (btw, blue eyes is not my boyfriend, seriously! )


Sometimes when a woman asks me if I have a girlfriend I say "I have two, would you like to be number three?" 

The reactions are always priceless


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Whitehawk, I've been married 28 years, more than half my life. Separated now 10 months. Over a year ago my sister told me that I need a girlfriend! (She did not intend it to be an endorsement of infidelity, but rather out of concern for my lack of fun in my life.)

I'm the one creating feelings of pressure for a new relationship stemming from grief over the loss of companionship, intimacy and sex. The loss of companionship, intimacy and sex started years ago. My situation is compounded as my mom died 19 months ago and I didn't have a chance to process that loss because my marriage exploded immediately after. (My BPD STBXW hates my f.o.o. and took my mother's death as a opportunity to point out all the ways f.o.o. hurt the STBXW, in her opinion!)

I'm struggling to process the feelings while keeping in mind that after 28 years it's going to take time to be ready for another relationship. Plus, I have work to be on a seriously bad picker, zero self esteem, self loathing, and I'm in early recovery to an addiction to porn and masturbation. Sometimes I feel like my head and heart are going to split. 

Wait...what was the question? Sigh.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> l've had no desire either really and with one girl l did meet , l was actually subconsciously worried it might turn into serious and l just felt that was too soon for me.
> 
> l do feel like l could handle and enjoy something from here on though , but up until now , really , l haven't even felt like it anyway tbh .


Hi

You do realise that some posters may comment more favourably e.g. well-meaning etc when they themselves had moved on and are already *happily* in a new relationship of some sort right now. ;-)

To answer your question, it really depends on where people are at in their life stage. People who are already in a good relationship may see their situation as being the "best place" to be for anyone, probably, not just for you by but for anyone according to their state of mind. These people may give you some nudge reminding you to apply their belief to anybody so that you could be part of their belief system without considering other factors such as finance, state of mind, other life's priorities, healing stage you may be at etc.

People who are in relationships don't necessarily see that there are happier "single" people who do not belong to "coupledom".

People who are in a committed relationship don't necessarily see that there are other options available in this world. They simply have a different value system altogether. You say you have already out with quite a few women and so on within 2 years but you felt you weren't ready. 

I'm sure like other posters had already said, people may have a genuine concern but I think you know what you can have / want and can't do / don't want in your life stage. It's totally reckless to jump into another relationship prematurely when you have got more pressing life's demands and priorities. Other things can wait, no big deal.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

To provide a contrary opinion, I was divorced (after being married for almost exactly half my life) and my sister told me that I needed to go out dating just to find an activity partner, because most of my other friends are married or at least in long term relationships and third wheel was tough. 

She was right, though I don't think she expected for it to get so serious so quickly, basically less than a year after the divorce went final (which was six months from when it all started).

I have another friend who broke up her wedding one month before the date and within four months from the break up she's dating someone seriously.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I found that most of the pressure to get back on the proverbial horse was from people that fell into one of two camps: 1) they had never been divorced, and therefore didn't understand the dynamics and the time necessary to heal; or 2) they have never spent any significant time single, because they always feel the need to be in a relationship, and can't fathom the idea of anyone ever wanting or needing to be alone. (A number of people actually fall into both of these camps.) Regardless of which it is, they're usually projecting their own beliefs about relationships onto you. 

If I've learned anything from this entire process, it's that no one knows what's right for you except YOU. You can listen to others' advice, hear their stories and learn from their experience, but ultimately, you know yourself best and you're the one who has to decide. And if you decide you need more time, then take more time and fvck what anybody else says. It's not a race, for chrissakes.


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