# Is this cheating?



## John_1875 (Aug 27, 2013)

*Do I end it?*

Hi, I'm new here, stuck with a massive dilemma! Any help greatly appreciated! 

I've been with my now fiancé, over 2 years, things are great, we have our ups and downs, but all in all we're a pretty perfect couple! 

The fiance has to go overseas with work for 4 months, I'm ok with this, we talk on the phone, everything seems good! Now, we're 1 month in...

She has met a new 'friend' out there, a guy. Originally, he is just a friend who she can hang out with, someone who has the same interests, which I'm ok with. After a few days, it comes out that she finds this guy attractive, and after some more chat, she eventually tells me she 'fancies' this guy, she likes this guy, and has been having sexual thoughts/fantasies about him, she also tells me that she has started to feel distant from me while she's been gone. 

Obviously I wasn't happy about this, so I subtly talk to her about it. Now she's replied that she is going to keep seeing this guy, because he's a nice guy, and she wants to stay good friends with him, even when they return back to this country, and when I ask, she tells me I have nothing to worry about. 

When I questioned her about it, she says she wish she hadn't told me, because now she feels bad about what she's doing, though she is continuing to see this guy! I don't want to be the guy who stops his girl having friends, but I feel like I should put a stop to this and/or end our relationship if she has been unfaithful!

Am I over reacting here? It sounds a little fishy to me, what are people's thoughts? 

Thanks


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

As a general rule of thumb, if I am doing anything I know my husband would be uncomfortable with knowing about, I stop. This was true even when he was my husband-to-be.

She now feels bad she told you she was attracted to him? Sounds like she's falling down the rabbit hole if she hasn't already...

Definitely sounds like EA, possibly PA. I'd put your foot down. Turn it around on her - how would she feel if you had a female friend you told her you were attracted to and were having sexual thoughts about? One that you refused to stop hanging out with?

If she doesn't understand that, then maybe it's better you two didn't make it down the aisle yet. I'm sorry you're in this position.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

She's dating another man. You should have a problem with that and she should stop it immediately. If she doesn't see the slippery slope that this situation presents, you shouldn't be wasting your time with this woman.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stop this now if it isn't too late already ultimatum time in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Do I end it?*



> Am I over reacting here? It sounds a little fishy to me


Dude are you serious


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

This is more than a friend and you know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

*Re: Do I end it?*

You posted this in two subforums. Generally that's frowned upon.

Same advice, though: tell her either to cut off contact or end the engagement. Be thankful you two aren't married yet.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She doesn't feel bad enough to stop seeing him, meaning he's more inportant that you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Do I end it?*

She is cheating on you. She has already slept with him. She is now giving you the back story to "not hurt your feelings". 

Drop her like a hot potato. She is your fiance, not someone you are dating where there is no commitment. Tell her to enjoy her new "friend" and btw the engagement is off, that you have no interest in being friends with a fiance who has no idea what boundaries are in being a fiance. 

Tell her good bye.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

*Re: Do I end it?*

Yeah. Are you serious? She is having sex with him. Simple. Cheaters lie and she is minimizing everything. She wants to marry you and keep him on the side as a lover. That's the long and short of it. 

Wish her a happy life and tell her the wedding is off. Then go dark. Do not speak to her anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Do I end it?*



John_1875 said:


> When I questioned her about it, she says she wish she hadn't told me, because now she feels bad about what she's doing, though she is continuing to see this guy!


She's not a keeper.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yes this is cheating. And for the record, now is not the time to be subtle.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Get your ring back before you confront her. If you live with her have her crap packed before she comes home. Pick her up at the airport, get the ring back and as you get home tell her to call movers.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her parents of this new "friend" so when you call this off she can't make up a stupid story.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hmm, would you be able to fly out there and surprise her? Get the ring while you are out there.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

*Re: Do I end it?*



John_1875 said:


> Hi, I'm new here, stuck with a massive dilemma! Any help greatly appreciated!
> 
> I've been with my now fiancé, over 2 years, things are great, we have our ups and downs, but all in all we're a pretty perfect couple!
> 
> ...


1st how old are you guys? 
2nd she is playing you using the oldest game there is. Yes she is sleeping with him – 99.99% positive she has and continues to bang him. The reason is, she has the perfect opportunity to test him out as a lover and companion without you getting in the way. And she can also keep you strung along for 3 more months till she decided whether he’s a replacement for you. She already told you when she returns you are plan B. Complete lack of respect, she is definitely not missing you, kick her to the curb now, don’t wait. 
3rd - don’t call her anymore, tell her its over and talk when she returns. Let her worry, she may not worry about you. Good luck, but its get rid of her now or in 4 years when this happens again.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Do I end it?*



southernsurf said:


> 1st how old are you guys?
> 2nd she is playing you using the oldest game there is. Yes she is sleeping with him – 99.99% positive she has and continues to bang him. The reason is, she has the perfect opportunity to test him out as a lover and companion without you getting in the way. And she can also keep you strung along for 3 more months till she decided whether he’s a replacement for you. She already told you when she returns you are plan B. Complete lack of respect, she is definitely not missing you, kick her to the curb now, don’t wait.
> 3rd - don’t call her anymore, tell her its over and talk when she returns. Let her worry, she may not worry about you. Good luck, but its get rid of her now or in 4 years when this happens again.


Get the ring back first!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Do I end it?*



southernsurf said:


> 1st how old are you guys?
> 2nd she is playing you using the oldest game there is. Yes she is sleeping with him – 99.99% positive she has and continues to bang him. The reason is, she has the perfect opportunity to test him out as a lover and companion without you getting in the way. And she can also keep you strung along for 3 more months till she decided whether he’s a replacement for you. She already told you when she returns you are plan B. Complete lack of respect, she is definitely not missing you, kick her to the curb now, don’t wait.
> 3rd - don’t call her anymore, tell her its over and talk when she returns. Let her worry, she may not worry about you. Good luck, but its get rid of her now or in 4 years when this happens again.


You should consider yourself lucky she showed her true colors now than later married with 2 kids.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

John if it was the other way around do you think she would put up with it? Have you discussed this with your friends, you should I think they will have similar opinions to ours. You can't control her only you can control what you will put up with. So stop being plan B.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Tell her that since it has worked out so well for her, you've decided to go out tonight to find a 'friend' that you can be attracted to too.

Tell her not to worry though, and you'll make sure to introduce her to your new friend when she gets back, because you think she's hit on a great idea to find and keep a sexually attractive person to hover around your M for the next several years.

Seriously though. Tell her you are through. This guy is so obviously beyond just a simple friendship that it has wrecked any possibility of you wanting to marry her while she is acting this way.

Then inform both of your families that the M is off and go completely dark on her.

If this doesn't snap her back to reality and show her she is destroying your relationship for Loverboy, then you do not want to be married to her anyway.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Tell her that since it has worked out so well for her, you've decided to go out tonight to find a 'friend' that you can be attracted to too.
> 
> Tell her not to worry though, and you'll make sure to introduce her to your new friend when she gets back, because you think she's hit on a great idea to find and keep a sexually attractive person to hover around your M for the next several years.
> 
> ...


Let the families know and don't call her anymore let her wonder wtf you are doing if she even cares now.


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## John_1875 (Aug 27, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies guys, to answer southern surf, we're 30 and 27. 

So, on the off chance (very small chance) that she is not cheating on me, and this guy is infact just a friend, who she maybe had a little crush on or something, which has maybe passed (long shot I know)

When I demand she stops seeing this guy, does it not turn me into this controlling, possessive fiancé? Which ofcourse I'm not, and don't want to be? Therefor trying to stop her having friends, and pushing us further apart?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

John_1875 said:


> Thanks for all the replies guys, to answer southern surf, we're 30 and 27.
> 
> So, on the off chance (very small chance) that she is not cheating on me, and this guy is infact just a friend, who she maybe had a little crush on or something, which has maybe passed (long shot I know)
> 
> When I demand she stops seeing this guy, does it not turn me into this controlling, possessive fiancé? Which ofcourse I'm not, and don't want to be? Therefor trying to stop her having friends, and pushing us further apart?


You are in an exclusive relationship she is having sexual fantasies about him she already said she feels distant from you its all in front of you. Tell her family and mutual friends.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

John_1875 said:


> When I demand she stops seeing this guy, does it not turn me into this controlling, possessive fiancé? Which ofcourse I'm not, and don't want to be? Therefor trying to stop her having friends, and pushing us further apart?


No, it means you have boundaries and one of your boundaries is that your woman doesn't date other men. You are not telling her she can't have friends. You are telling her that it is inappropriate to hang out alone with a single guy that she finds attractive. She can hang out with women and she can hang out in groups, but woman + man alone = a date.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Go fly out there and get your ring back maybe she'll wake up then who knows.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It means you respect yourself enough to tell her if she feels the need to keep him in her life, YOU won't be in it. Her choice.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

John_1875, you cannot control the actions or behaviour of another adult. She is free to test-drive her new 'friend' whilst she's away from you. She feels bad because she's doing something wrong and she knows it.

Don't make demands. Have boundaries. You should have reasonable expectations of your future life partner. This is not 'controlling'. She is free to do what she pleases. As are you. She has ignored your concerns. She is willing to put you through three months of anxiety. This won't be her last business trip. Look at your present for an idea of your future.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I do not think it labels you as controlling at all, John.

She has openly admitted to you that she not only likes his friendship but is sexually attracted to him. In addition, she is saying this situation is leading to her losing feelings for you.

Tell her that she needs to end this destructive relationship ASAP or you are GONE.

Chances are that this has already gone PA if she has been around this guy for awhile.

So you need to decide if you even want this cheating, disloyal woman back at all anyway.

Personally, I'd dump her. 

I do not think there is anyway she will ever stay loyal in a M if she can become this detached from you in such a short time for a person she just met.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Can you really imagine a life with this person who would so coldly disregard you and your feelings. If you are 30, why do you have the naïveté of a 16 year old boy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with what the others here have said and advised. Chances are zero to none that she's not having an emotional affair and physical affair. Exclusivity and fidelity are expected of a fiancé (unless you've agreed otherwise in advance, which is highly unlikely!). Tell your families what's going on, let them know the engagement is off and that you want the ring back, tell her it's over and then have no contact with her at all.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Can you really imagine a life with this person who would so coldly disregard you and your feelings. If you are 30, why do you have the naïveté of a 16 year old boy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time to expose this to both families and end this. Find a younger hotter version of her that won't cheat. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:
are you hopelessly in love with her? big emotional investment? Have you in fact given her a ring? is there a wedding date set?

when/if you have the conversation with her on whether she has been sexually active with this guy - if she says "no", please be determined NOT to believe her! based on what she told you you have no erason to trust her word on this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Being cheated on really sucks, doesn't it? I am so sorry.

I would venture to say that similar numbers of marriages experience infidelity at one time or another as end in divorce. Prenuptial agreements are common nowadays, and affair proofing should be at least as common in my opinion.

By telling her that you do not wish to be engaged or married to a woman who would continue to date another man (forget about whether she's slept with him or not - the boundary starts WAY before that) to whom she is sexually attracted while with you, you are affair proofing your marriage. If for some reason you do end up staying together, you have years of vigilance in front of you - again, to affair proof your marriage. Should you end up with someone else in the future, remember this, and start the affair proofing before you hand out a ring.

Affair proofing means that you protect your investment in your partner by actively seeking to avoid situations that potentially could lead to cheating, and that you and your partner AGREE about what this looks like. It has to be a mutual thing - it can't be dictated by one or the other. And it will vary from one couple to another. So if you aren't ok with her dating someone else, this needs to be spelled out, and she needs to agree, and you need to define what is meant by 'dating'.

If this current woman in your life thinks this is controlling behaviour, then find another one.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

John, If the roles were reversed she would not put up with it so why are you?

She has the nerve to tell you she will continue to see this guy and also continue to see this guy when she comes home...What is wrong with this picture. Her actions clearly shows she now has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is playing you for a fool.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

John_1875 said:


> Thanks for all the replies guys, to answer southern surf, we're 30 and 27.
> 
> So, on the off chance (very small chance) that she is not cheating on me, and this guy is infact just a friend, who she maybe had a little crush on or something, which has maybe passed (long shot I know)
> 
> When I demand she stops seeing this guy, does it not turn me into this controlling, possessive fiancé? Which ofcourse I'm not, and don't want to be? Therefor trying to stop her having friends, and pushing us further apart?


Why do young people think setting boundaries and consequences in a relationship is controlling and possessive?

There is nothing wrong with telling her that you do not feel that it is appropriate for your fiance to be going out one-on-one with a man. Actually you should have told her this from the start. I think she has already crossed the line with this guy and is f*cking him.

Be clear that it is her choice and her decision but if she continues this behavior then you have to make some decisions of your own (like if you want to be married to a cheating, self-centered, selfish woman with no empathy for her fiance's feelings and no moral center). She actually said she should not have told you about all this? Really? 

I told my wife before we married that she should tell me if she felt attracted to another guy and wanted to act on it. We would divorce and she would be free to go. 

If she had told me what your fiance has told you BEFORE we married, there would have been no wedding.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What country are you in OP?
What country is she in?

Hire a PI. Do it this fridaynight.
Or just showup at her hotel room at 6 am saturday morning.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Sounds like she is cheating to me. I don't blame you for being worried. First they are just flirting then they are sleeping together. If she had any respect for your relationship she would stop socializing with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cheaters will ALWAYS tell you that if you try to set a reasonable boundary, like not seeing your AP any more, that you are controlling. Always.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Your story has most of the warning signs and unfortunately shares many common threads seen in infidelity stories. First off, whatever happens, you'll get by with or without her (though it wont be easy). If it's with her, you'll have to hold her to a very high standard before even thinking about marriage. 

6 months ago I was in your shoes. I trusted 100% and she got too close to a "friend" - though she denied even the slightest hint of anything inappropriate. This was a married man who she said was so moral, so trustworthy - he would never try a thing. Your fiance owning up to a series of lesser crimes probably was her way of minimizing what has been happening between her and her "friend." 

It is riskier to let her continue down this path without consequences than it would be to force the situation to a head. Even if she hasn't done anything that you could consider cheating (and she almost certainly has), she has at least been entertaining the idea of being with another man. If you're thinking about getting married, this is a big warning sign for you. 

Don't let the fear of being jealous or getting in the way of her "friendships" trump your rights as her fiance/husband. A man takes action, stands up for himself, stands up for what is right, and doesn't take any BS. Whether that means ending it with her or making her end it with him, that's for you to sort out. However...

You'll win nothing by sitting on the fence and worrying about if she'll keep you or how your actions will make her feel, but you'll lose any decisive advantage, attractiveness as a mate, self respect, etc...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

John_1875 said:


> Thanks for all the replies guys, to answer southern surf, we're 30 and 27.
> 
> So, on the off chance (very small chance) that she is not cheating on me, and this guy is infact just a friend, who she maybe had a little crush on or something, which has maybe passed (long shot I know)
> 
> When I demand she stops seeing this guy, does it not turn me into this controlling, possessive fiancé? Which ofcourse I'm not, and don't want to be? Therefor trying to stop her having friends, and pushing us further apart?


John, mate, if she can't control herself (and quite clearly, she can't, can she?) then who can?

She told you to prepare you for the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" letter.

She'll friend zone you and probably send you an invitation to the wedding.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Anytime you try to get a cheater to give up their affair partner... you can expect to be called controlling.

It is not, you are clearly setting a boundary and enforcing it. 

You state things are great. They are far from it. She's already left you in the dust for a guy she's known a few weeks. First, be honest with yourself.

Get her the fvck out of your life now. If she can't be faithful now... imagine where you'll be in a few more years with kids adding to the mix. 

Get the ring back if possible before she sells it to have play money for her new boyfriend.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

John_1875 said:


> Thanks for all the replies guys, to answer southern surf, we're 30 and 27.
> 
> So, on the off chance (very small chance) that she is not cheating on me, and this guy is infact just a friend, who she maybe had a little crush on or something, which has maybe passed (long shot I know)
> 
> When I demand she stops seeing this guy, does it not turn me into this controlling, possessive fiancé? Which ofcourse I'm not, and don't want to be? Therefor trying to stop her having friends, and pushing us further apart?


Your girlfriend is around a guy she likes/fancies and has sexual thoughts about. She told you about it and she won't stop seeing him even if it makes you feel bad. 

Can you see where you are in her priorities?

HIM...HER
*↓*

you


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Ahh another case of polygamy. She’s not married yet so she wants to check out what appears to her to be a better opportunity to move up the latter. Is he a better provider and lover than you? This is all standard behavior. She is working fast to decide if he is better than you. But she wants to be sure, so you will wait in the background until she decides if he is a better catch – if she decides yes, then you are toast. If its no, then she gets a lot of free sack time and a free pass back to safety. That’s how they play this game. Its your move.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

John_1875 said:


> Hi, I'm new here, stuck with a massive dilemma! Any help greatly appreciated!
> 
> I've been with my now fiancé, over 2 years, things are great, we have our ups and downs, but all in all we're a pretty perfect couple!



You're only engaged, not married. During this stage of the relationship with her, you're seeing if there are any potential red flags before you get stuck with a woman, before kids come.

She's showing you such a big giant red flag that it should make you shuddered and repulsed. She's showing you that she's not loyal to you. She's showing you that she values you less than her lover.

If you cant trust her before marriage, and if you still go ahead and marry her, then what's left to be said?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

John_1875 said:


> Thanks for all the replies guys, to answer southern surf, we're 30 and 27.
> 
> So, on the off chance (very small chance) that she is not cheating on me, and this guy is infact just a friend, who she maybe had a little crush on or something, which has maybe passed (long shot I know)
> 
> When I demand she stops seeing this guy, does it not turn me into this controlling, possessive fiancé? Which ofcourse I'm not, and don't want to be? Therefor trying to stop her having friends, and pushing us further apart?


Do not demand she not see him. Give her your blessing. Tell her you wish her well that she is with her new found "boyfriend" and you wish her the best. Tell her the engagement is off. Tell her you prefer to have a fiance who respects the normal boundaries of being in a *committed *relationship and does not *demand * that you be friends with someone she is probably sleeping with. 

Dude, she is taking him on multiple test drives and wants you to wait around while she makes her decision. That is called dating, not a marriage engagement. Fark that and tell her so. 

Do no stay engaged to this woman, you marry her and have kids the rest of your life you will be in cheating misery hell. Yuu will be running DNA tests on your kids. She has shown her true colors. She is away from you less than 30 days and she is farking around. Think about it.

RUN LIKE HELL!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is she waving a red flag at you?


















Yes! And she's waving goodbye, too... Sorry.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

John

Read between the lines. What she has done was in a chicken sh!t manner that she's cheating. She's waving it under your nose because me thinks that before she left she had an idea that your a nice enough guy that would accept her back. 

I don't know how much you paid for the ring or if your living together but if you are, as soon as she gets home, get the ring back, and have her bags packed. She's is not the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with because your getting a sneak peek of life ahead of you. Your life will be constantly wondering if she's doing what she says she's doing and who she is with and where she is at. No a good way to live.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Tom beat me to the punch; consider yourself fortunate that you caught this before she started pumping out kids. 

Be gone with this broad and get someone who doesn't want to wrap her legs around another guy's waist other than yours; which is exactly what she's doing with this other man right now. She's only telling you the foreword of a long, sultry romance novel that she's starring in. Unfortunately, you're the hapless, hopeless fiance/husband/bf who doesn't pay her enough attention, can't give her an orgasm, blah and blah. The guy she's banging...err...seeing is the friend turned lover with rock hard abs and a 13" personality that always gets her off and then some. See where this is going? This has Eat, Pray, Love written all over it if you continue this. 

Three letters: D...T...B...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Do not demand she not see him. Give her your blessing. Tell her you wish her well that she is with her new found "boyfriend" and you wish her the best. Tell her the engagement is off. Tell her you prefer to have a fiance who respects the normal boundaries of being in a *committed *relationship and does not *demand * that you be friends with someone she is probably sleeping with.
> 
> Dude, she is taking him on multiple test drives and wants you to wait around while she makes her decision. That is called dating, not a marriage engagement. Fark that and tell her so.
> 
> ...


Inform your/her parents what a ho she is and why you are ending this sounds like you need support right now.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I don't agree with the other posters...fawk your ring, just bail!

Seriously, she is dating another man...end of story. Don't waste time flying out to see her, and consider the cost of the ring a small loss in the long run....better than finding out after you are married.

You have a ticket out now...she won't be back for another 3 months. 1 email to her to explain that the engagement ended the day she decided to date the new guy and then block her email address and phone number, change your phone number and don't give anyone she knows the new number.

Now you have 3 months of no-contact to pull a complete 180 and move on from her. That fact that she is over there is actually a blessing in disguise.

Next time, don't get engaged so quickly (2 yrs is a rather short period of time) and stay away from long distance relationships....LDR's will be a trigger for you from here on out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

John,

Do not demand that she dump him. That will just get her mad and she will do whatever she wants anyways.

Instead, tell her she is free, that you release her from her exclusiveness and fidelity to you. Tell her that she is free to do anything she wants,

Then tell her that you also consider it to be over between you and her , that obviously she's begun dating this guy and letting him get ever closer to her. So you set her free by dumping her, and that you will also see about seeing who you might fancy yourself at home.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> John,
> 
> Do not demand that she dump him. That will just get her mad and she will do whatever she wants anyways.
> 
> ...


And find a hottie to take a picture with you upload it on facebook and tell everyone this is your new "friend" the hotter the better.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

John

Do you two live together?

And can I give you a little advice from a guy married for 22 years and together for 28?

You cannot control your fiancé from across an ocean. Nor can you control her when she is right next to you.

But you can control your own actions.

Tell her if she cannot remain faithful in thought and body then tell her you appreciate her honesty.

Ask for the ring to be sent back to you and wish her well with her new BF.

It really is that simple.

If you two live together take all her crap and send it to her parents. Explain to them why you broke off the engagement and leave it at that.

Then go find a real woman worthy of you.

My wife traveled often before and after we were married. 

And she never pulled this crap on me.

Consider yourself lucky that you are not married and have kids.

HM64


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So basically she went over there, a guy there himself decided to throw himself at her, and she let him.

If she was worth keeping and fighting for, she'd already have told him to go pound sand.

Instead she figures she can date him, have a romance with him, and if it doesn't work out you'll be upset, but waiting for her to come home,

The best strategy is to destroy hers. Get her to realize that she needs to start fighting for you from over there, that you will use her being gone and dating as an open freedom to dump her and upgrade.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

John_1875 said:


> I've been with my now fiancé, over 2 years, things are great, we have our ups and downs, but all in all we're a pretty perfect couple!
> 
> The fiance has to go overseas with work for 4 months, Now, we're 1 month in...
> 
> ...


John, it might seem absolutely ludicrous to you that the posters here can predict with fairly good certainty that your fiancé is having sex with the other man, but when you've read enough of these posts like yours, it doesn't take much to see what's going on. These guys are experts at spotting it.

Your fiancé either already is sleeping with this guy, or is about to. Who knows how she rationalizes it to herself? One last fling before the marriage? The intrigue of a foreign guy in a foreign country? That you'll never find out? What you don't know won't hurt you?

I'm sorry to tell you that this is pretty much a done deal. *She is going to have sex with this guy and there is nothing you can do or say to stop her*. Say nothing, and she will have sex with him. Beg her not to, and she will lose all respect for you and then have sex with him. Give her an ultimatum, and she will get extremely angry with you and then have sex with him. If she gets caught, she will play the "he wore me down" card, or the "feeling distant" card (she's already starting to play that one), or the "I was drunk" card, or the "it just happened" card or the "you made me so angry I had to do it" card.

All you know is what she tells you. What she has told you so far, about a "friendship," about "common interests," about you having "nothing to worry about" is a lie. All lies. This was never just a "friendship" for her or for him. They met, they liked each other, and they are dating. They either already have had sex, or will have it soon.

This is what you should say to her: Very calmly, tell her how much you love her, how much your life together means to you, and how, despite all of that, that you would refuse to go through with the wedding if there was any cheating. Tell her that going overseas and continuing a friendship with a male who she has a crush on is not how a wife acts, and neither is it how a fiancé acts. Tell her that it already has gone too far, and that when she returns in three months, before you get married, you are going to insist that she take a polygraph to prove she hasn't cheated on you during this separation. Tell her that you also will take a polygraph to prove that you have not cheated on her.

She will not agree to it because she has already cheated. Heck, she may already have decided that she is not going to marry you, but she doesn't want to break it off with you long distance. There are a world of possibilities, her being faithful is not one - the chances of that are infinitesimal.

Actually, I would not do any of what I just recommended that you do. What I would do is break it off with her. Just the fact that she struck up a "friendship" with a guy who she "fancies" shows me enough about her to know that she is not wife material, not right now. If you even believe any of that "friendship" lie; the truth is that they were never "just friends," from the moment they met they were attracted to each other and pursued and encouraged each other. *How could I marry a woman who, ONE MONTH AWAY FROM ME, already is encouraging another male who she is sexually attracted to, already is telling me she "feels distant" from me? HOW COULD I MARRY A WOMAN LIKE THAT?*

If you want to try an experiment, IF you think you can pull it off without giving away your true feelings, tell her you've found a girl here who fancies you, send her a picture of the girl, make it someone hotter than her, and tell her you are starting to have sexual fantasies and feelings for this girl. Then tell her that she has nothing to worry about, though, that you won't act on your feelings. See how she reacts.

The stuff you posted about being this great, perfect couple - don't you think we all feel that way when we're engaged?

The truth is, that this episode is a good thing for you. It hurts now, but it would hurt a lot more if you had to look your little boy or girl in the eye and tell them that mommy and daddy aren't going to be living with them anymore, that they will have to move from their house, that mommy's new friend will be living with her. I know it hurts, but still, you dodged a bullet.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your relationship is already dead---she is hot for this guy, as has been said---has probably already slept with him----

She also states that she won't end contact with him when she comes home

Engaged is one step from mge---it means you are exclusive with each other----you are not controlling if you try to protect your relationship----relationships do NOT HAVE 3 people involved

The worse thing is she STILL HAS 3 MONTHS TO GO WITH THIS GUY------in all honesty, you will never know what really happened over there----no matter what she says----end this right now---before you drive yourself crazy---you will get no peace from this only misery


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Give her the air, my friend! She's flighty at best. There are far more caring and loving women out there for you!

Thank God that you're not married to her! Let her provide someone else with the heartaches!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you need to tell her something in response to her calling you "controlling," tell her that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself, and what you are willing to accept and not willing to accept in a fiancé or in a wife. And something you never will accept is your wife or fiancé encouraging a man who she is sexually interested in, and who is sexually interested in her. You are only controlling you and telling her what is unacceptable to you, she is free to make her own choices about what is acceptable to her and what is not. If you are compatible in that respect, then marriage is something you should continue to consider. If not, it is best you part ways now.

This is the engagement period. The time for playing the field is over. If she wants to play the field, if she made a mistake in getting engaged, now is the time to end it, with dignity, honor, and self respect. Not by cheating. If she realizes you are not the one for her, that is fine, but don't lie and say you are and then cheat behind your back.

Remember to let her know about the polygraph when she returns, no matter what. She has passed the point of no return as far as polygraph is concerned.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If the car breaks down on the test drive you wouldn't buy it right?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If the car breaks down on the test drive you wouldn't buy it right?


But what if I had my eye on this car for two years? And I really loved everything about it, the way it looked, the way it drove? And this is the first time it ever broke down?

If I buy it, don't you think there is a chance the car will be OK, that whatever went wrong will just go away, that whatever caused it to break down on the test drive will not happen after I own it?

It's tough to find another car you like, and I still love this one, even if it is a little broke down. At least it still looks good.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> But what if I had my eye on this car for two years? And I really loved everything about it, the way it looked, the way it drove? And this is the first time it ever broke down?
> 
> If I buy it, don't you think there is a chance the car will be OK, that whatever went wrong will just go away, that whatever caused it to break down on the test drive will not happen after I own it?
> 
> It's tough to find another car you like, and I still love this one, even if it is a little broke down. At least it still looks good.


Don't look down so you don't see the bondo.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Really, in one month she is feeling distant and developing feelings for someone else?...She is 27, not 15. 

I think she used the 4 month absence as an excuse to end the engagement. Cold feet, she was too much of a coward to tell him to his face. 

Dude, let her go. She is a chickens$it. Not wife material.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

J1875, you ok?


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