# In the past was it normal to hit a wife whenever she had a temper?



## Aries04C (Mar 22, 2018)

I was born in 1987 and would like to share a couple incidences and yes they are real:

During my childhood my parents would sometimes get into terrible arguments. My mother would proceed with verbal rantings (and insults) and my father would get physical. 

- One time he literally hit her on her back with a belt in anger. She kept crying, telling him to stop while he kept yelling (in Spanish) ''Are you going to stop saying nonsense''. She had a couple belt welts on her back for a week or so. That was that and it was considered a private event between the 3 of us. My brother wasn't born at the time.

- Another time (I was in 4th grade and it was the day before Halloween), he smacked her on the bottocks with his heavy sandal a bunch of times for the same reason. She was flying into a verbal ranting, he kept yelling at her to shut up, she didn't and he reacted physically. One whole side of her bottom was purple and swollen. That was it for the day and the following day, my parents acted like nothing happened and they still celebrated Halloween with me. 

A couple other incidents where he started dragging her my the hair, hit her with a very small basket over the head, shoving her, or smacking her bottom with his hands for the same reason: He wanted her to shup up (don't insult him nor yell) during arguments and would give her 3 warning before getting physically with her.

Needlees to say I believe there is never an excuse to get physical with anyone unless it's a deadly (life-death) situation or you're sparring in self-defense classes. No one deserves to get hit just because you don't like the words they're saying. Honestly though was that normal even during my time to hit a wife with a belt or any household objects just because ''oh she has a bad temper, is back-talking, is insulting me, keeps contradicting me''???


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## Aries04C (Mar 22, 2018)

I vowed as a kid that this wouldn't ever get tolerated by me. The first time should have ended in not only a divorce but also assault charges.

This might sound crazy but if a man ever goes like that towards me, I might retaliate by going Madea on him. I have anger towards men that hit women. Sometimes I consider myself somewhat of a feminist.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

No, that was not "normal" even then.

That said, the issue of domestic violence has received more attention in more recent times, which is good.


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## Aries04C (Mar 22, 2018)

I'm glad to hear more people are taking DV serious nowadays. 

I know it doesn't make you a better person to retaliate but I will do that if a bf or husband ever hits me. I promised to myself that if it ever gets to the point of one of them going to the hospital, it would be him too.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Read the book "Coercive Control." It talks about domestic abuse. Since physical abuse has been criminalised, abusers are turning their sights on to other forms of manipulation. It would be good to be aware of it.

A guy has never hit me but I have experienced various forms of manipulation.

To tell you how times have changed, I remember distinctly in 1989, the year that I left my hometown forever, and it was planned as I went back to university, I was dating a guy for about 8 months by then. I knew he was not marriage material for me. One conversation that we had once consisted of his calling a couple he had dealt with in the past ****s. I asked him, well what does that make you? He told me, people will always call those women ****s, but those same people will call him mister. (mid western town you know, slim pickings)

Anyway, closer to the time that I was leaving town, he and I were out for the day. I can't remember what triggered it but while he was driving, he became so angry and started driving dangerously. I was really scared.

I later talked about it with my therapist. The therapist played it down and said that he was probably under stress due to my eminent departure ......... and I'm paying this guy for his advice /support / advocacy/ Is it any wonder that I have a distrust of therapists????


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Aries04C said:


> I'm glad to hear more people are taking DV serious nowadays.
> 
> I know it doesn't make you a better person to retaliate but I will do that if a bf or husband ever hits me. I promised to myself that if it ever gets to the point of one of them going to the hospital, it would be him too.


DV was normal in my household too OP. I don't know who got it worse, my mom or us kids. I didn't realize it wasn't the norm in some form in all households until I was old enough to attend sleepovers. Even after that us kids used to laugh amongst ourselves recounting stories of our worst beatings as if they were a badge of honor. The brainwashing is real.

I used to think oh boy any guy who puts his hands on me is in for it but now it's more important to me to be super vigilant for warning signs to avoid getting myself into a relationship with a person like that to begin with, and to maintain my promise to myself that I would get the heck out asap should it happen.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It was not normal.

It was not normal in 1977 either.

Or 1967, or 1957. 

However, it was too common. Personally I think it was not more common in those days than it is now. If anything what I see today is a bigger dichotomy in society between people who believe violence is wrong and those who think it is acceptable. 

I did physically abuse my wife a few times in 1979 and 1980, but changed my ways. I will say there were extraordinary circumstances, but I was wrong, and I would not do it again.

My wife’s sister was abused by her husband for years, from 1973 until 1986 when she finally got divorced.

The type of abuse you describe was certainly considered abnormal and probably would have resulted in legal actions in 1973 in America. I know we read about such in the paper then. And when my wife’s sister was bruised her husband was arrested, in the late seventies and early eighties.

The type of abuse you describe may have been considered acceptable a hundred years ago and/or in other cultures than American or English/European based. 

I can’t say anything about the history of Latin cultures for instance.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

None of what you describe is normal.

But happens all the time. Every day, every culture.

Would you stand by and watch any animal be beaten? A child? Any defenseless human?


Are you chattel?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I don't know what these people are talking about because yes, it was very normal. It was so normal that the police could see it happening and stand there and watch or drive off about their business. All a man had to say was "This is my wife" and the police would not do a darned thing because it was a "domestic" or "private" matter. It was in the 90s that it became considered like any other assault law, and a man would be arrested if he hit/beat his wife. Shortly after that, most law enforcement agencies realized they couldn't discriminate, so women were/are also arrested if she is the offender. 

Wife abuse was considered a normal part of marriage for a very long time, hundreds of years actually. That doesn't mean all husbands beat their wives. It means it was condoned by society and no one did anything about it. There were laws that were ignored, so those who did were not subject to any recrimination or punitive consequences. 

And it is also true that women hid it. They hid it with makeup. They hid it with large sunglasses and long sleeves. They hid it with lies like "I fell down the stairs" or "I ran into a door" and all kinds of falsehoods to explain away their bruises to cover up the fact that her husband beat her. It was a hush-hush matter because women were ashamed. And frankly, women still hide it today, they also don't report it.

The reason it became law, or rather the reason the laws began to be enforced (in the 90s when domestic violence law were specifically defined to include not just spouses but domestic partners, which also emcompassed same sex partnerships), was to protect women because they never pressed charges. Or, if her husband was arrested, she would get him out of jail and drop the charges, so the law relieved women of that responsibility so they didn't have to face the consequences (his rage and another beating) or the fear of going through with the charges. There were, of course, also the cases where he sweet talked her into dropping the charges. Charges brought by wives or girlfriends were usually dropped only for her to live another beating on another day, but charges brought by the state are more likely to hold up. However, there is still the problem that the wife or girlfriend won't cooperate as witness to testify.

This was also the reaons domestic violence shelters became available so that women would have someplace to flee to when they were beaten or were in danger of being beaten (or harmed even worse). Initially, the shelters only really offered a place to go, but there were no long-term plans and no long-term assistance. They realized that they could provide a place to go but for only on a temporary basis, and women had no choice but to go back into the same violent environment. So, the domestice violence shelters began expanding and tapping into other resources to be able to provide not only shelter for women, but also for women's children. They provide food, clothes, necessary products and toiletries, necessary money to obtain important documents (birth certificates, SS cards, etc.), money for transportation to work, babysitting, counseling, and ultimately assistance in obtaining a place to live so they don't have to return to their abuser.

According to some of the replies you received, none of this ever happened and, therefore, the laws and DV shelters were never necessary. But I assure you it was common, and it was common across all imaginable demographics - age, race, ethnicity, economic status, social classes, and cultures here in the United States. Because there are those whose mother was not abused doesn't mean it didn't happen next door, down the street, around the corner, and among the parents of many of their classmates. What a person doesn't know about does not mean it didn't exist. Anyone who doesn't know has no business answering because it was not abnormal but normal and not uncommon but quite common.

I am like you. I grew up with domestic violence, except my father was much more mean and abusive to my mother than your father was. I knew as a child that I would never allow a man to hit me, and a guy tried when I was just 14 years old. He could not believe I hit him back, and he really couldn't believe I knocked the crap out of him. That was the end of that story. My first husband did much less. He didn't even hit me, but he still bears the scar for what he did do. No more problems from that one either. And that has always been my belief - that a woman teaches a man that he can abuse her by allowing him to abuse her. If she didn't take it the first time, it will not happen a second time.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I would say that it *is* normal. As in, this is a human behavior that has existed since the year one. It will always be around.
> 
> And I believe we should never give up the fight to minimize it in society; and completely eradicate it from our own lives.
> 
> You can only control you; not other people.


Thank you so much for this. I still can't believe how people answered questions they know nothing about, so I'm glad I didn't have to be the only one responding accurately.

You mentioned the need to minimize domestic violence in society and reminded me I neglected to add that domestic violence remains so common these days that statistics have shown significant strides in every area of women's lives except in the area of domestic violence, meaning it has not waned one bit despite the efforts to enforce the laws that protect intimate partners.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It happened in my family and NO it was not normal. I cannot regard as it as normal, nor will I. It may have happened elsewhere as well but even then I would never regard it as normal. No one has the right to abuse, dominate or coerce anyone else. Anyone who does this is abnormal regardless of how often they may have done this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

My mother pushed my father to the limit. He only got physical one time. And I saw it. He slapped her in the face. Do I think it was wrong? Well, yes and no. Granted, nobody should ever get physical with their spouse. But my mother didn't know when to shut up. She was hysterical. He slapped her in a way that said, "Hey, snap out of it!" 

I grew up in a violent home. I saw my mother draw a knife on my father. I witnessed her histrionics and lunacy. My father remained calm and passive. Except for that one time. 

To this day, I'm glad he smacked her. I'm not here to equivocate about right versus wrong. But my mother had it coming in spades. I admire my father for the restraint he showed towards that crazy woman in over 30 years of marriage.

ETA: No, it is NOT normal to hit your wife - in the past or any other time. But I had to tolerate being raised in Crazyville. Both of my parents grew up in homes where physical violence was accepted as the norm.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

StarFires said:


> Good grief. In what way, shape, or form that has anything to do with the subject of this thread I will never know because it doesn't.


HUH??????


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its not normal in a healthy functional family. I was born in the 50's and it wasn't normal then either.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Aries04C said:


> I was born in 1987 and would like to share a couple incidences and yes they are real:
> 
> During my childhood my parents would sometimes get into terrible arguments. My mother would proceed with verbal rantings (and insults) and my father would get physical.
> 
> ...


It has never been OK. However, since most societies are male-dominated, it has not been prosecuted and men have gotten away with it far too long.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

StarFires said:


> Thank you so much for this. I still can't believe how people answered questions they know nothing about, so I'm glad I didn't have to be the only one responding accurately.
> 
> You mentioned the need to minimize domestic violence in society and reminded me I neglected to add that domestic violence remains so common these days that statistics have shown significant strides in every area of women's lives except in the area of domestic violence, meaning it has not waned one bit despite the efforts to enforce the laws that protect intimate partners.


Well, by that definition, theft is "normal", too, since people do it every day. I didn't think that the question would be properly answered with responses indicating behaviors that happen commonly, but have never been considered acceptable by society.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Still remember mum tried to cleave dad's head off with a meat cleaver lol, but he never hit her.

As a kid found it quite interesting how resilient the human neck actually is compared to cartoons and movies.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

StarFires said:


> My first husband did much less. He didn't even hit me, but he still bears the scar for what he did do. No more problems from that one either.



Is it a metaphorical or literal scar? If it wasn’t self defence, what did he do to warrant an attack like this?
I have also witnessed severe violence from women; neither is ‘normal’.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its varied over time. In ancient Rome, for a while it was legal for a husband to kill his wife if he wished to - but that law was later changed. Its been considered acceptable for men to physically punish their wives in a lot of societies. 

Fortunately that is no longer true in much of the world. Wife beating has been strongly frowned on in the west for decades now even though it was still legal in some places not too long ago.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Still remember mum tried to cleave dad's head off with a meat cleaver lol, but he never hit her.
> 
> As a kid found it quite interesting how resilient the human neck actually is compared to cartoons and movies.


:surprise:


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> HUH??????


Don't stress that particular poster imagines that they and only they have control over how every thread develops. If they don't like or understand something that is posted, they whine about it not being relevant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm 68 so I grew up before the laws about domestic violence changed to be what they are today.

There was no DV in my FOO (family of origin). 

However, yes DV was rather normal in the past. There was a time that there were actully laws that allowed a man to "correct" his wife. That was code for hitting and beating her up as long as he did not break any bones. Here in New Mexico, there used to be a law that said that a man should beat his wife once a week to keep her humble.

There are still societies/countries in the world today where wife beating is allowed. We have have a current TAM member who lives in the Phillipines who has been bragging some that in his country it's ok for a man to beat his wife.

The police used handle DV by ignoring it. It was considered a private issue between a husband and wife.

I have an aunt whose husband, in the 1940's, used to beat her pretty regularly. The police ignored it of course. She finally left him and took their infant girl with her after he almost killed her. But she lived in shame. She was looked down on in the comminity for leaving and returning to live with my grandparents with her baby. It was not until the last 1970's adn 1980's when we younger generation, which included her daughter, encourageed her and told there that she was right to leave. And that she needed to ignore those who had been shaming her for decades.

While the societal attitude towards DV started to change in the last 1960' and 1970's, it took some time for laws to be pasted. And even after laws were passed, it took some time for ploice departmetns to be train the acceptance of DV as a private matter out of the police.

In about 1970 one of my sisters married her high school boyfriend. She was 18 at the time. Within a year she was pregnant but then had a miscarriage. When she had the miscarriage she went to the emergency room by herself as her husband woudl not stop partying to help her. Later that night she returned home and was sleeping on the couch still a physcla mess from the miscarriage. Her drunk husband returned home and demanded sex from her. She told him no because of the miscarriage that day. He then attacked her, beat her up and raped her. Afterwrds she called our father who called the police. The police showed up, took her statement and then did nothing. They told her and my father that what happens between a husband and wife is a private matter. As far as the police were concerned, that was the end of it. I had never seen my father get physcal with anyone. But he apparenlty exacted some justice on my sister's husband since the police did not care. My sister did leave the SOB, divorced him. She got pregnant from the rape and raised her son on her own. The SOB left town.

Another woman I know had a hsuband who beat her and eventually pulled a gun on her and their two young sons. She called the police. Again the police said it was a private matter and did nothing. That again was the 1970s. 

I know of a lot of women who went through this but won't bother to go through them all. The thing is that, yes it was normal, it was not a crime and it was accepted. 

The good think is that DV is now a crime everywhere in the USA now. Because of society's change attitude towards it, the level of DV has decreased by about 50%. We, as a society, still have a long way to go to bring those numbers down even lower but at least now victims of DV, no matter their sex, have some protections.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

To read that book Coercive Control, I couldn't help but feel that women must have felt that they were always in a state of high alert pre 1980s, I guess.

And it's also that it has come out that rich men beat their wives as much as poor anybodies who do.


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## Aries04C (Mar 22, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> It was not normal.
> 
> It was not normal in 1977 either.
> 
> ...


I'm glad to hear you corrected your ways. From the ages of 4-20 I was living in Florida so yes, if my mother wanted she could have had him charged for assault. 

Our country is still working on getting tougher laws regarding DV. Last year or so, there was a feminist march against violence towards women. The woman can still press charges on him but the problem is the aggressor spends very few time in jail, only to be released soon as charges of ''something minor''.


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## Aries04C (Mar 22, 2018)

It's great we're all on the same page that it wasn't normal what I've witnessed at that time. Why do these men get away with it? That must be such a disgusting feeling, getting overwhelmed by superior force and not being able to defend yourself. I think those men are losers and cowards.


EleGirl said:


> I had never seen my father get physcal with anyone. But he apparenlty exacted some justice on my sister's husband since the police did not care. My sister did leave the SOB, divorced him. She got pregnant from the rape and raised her son on her own. The SOB left town.
> 
> The good think is that DV is now a crime everywhere in the USA now. Because of society's change attitude towards it, the level of DV has decreased by about 50%. We, as a society, still have a long way to go to bring those numbers down even lower but at least now victims of DV, no matter their sex, have some protections.


It's so reliving to hear when an abusive scumbag and rapist gets a taste of his own medicine. Kudos for your father that gave him what he deserved. 

The laws need to change in the Philippines too. That member is wrong. No one deserves (unless in complete self-defense) to get beaten.


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## Aries04C (Mar 22, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Still remember mum tried to cleave dad's head off with a meat cleaver lol, but he never hit her.
> 
> As a kid found it quite interesting how resilient the human neck actually is compared to cartoons and movies.


:surprise::surprise:
That's totally wrong too and wouldn't that consist of attempted murder charges? He should have reported her.

NextTimeAround,
Thank you for suggestion the book. I'll be buying it soon.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aries04C said:


> :surprise::surprise:
> That's totally wrong too and wouldn't that consist of attempted murder charges? He should have reported her.
> 
> NextTimeAround,
> Thank you for suggestion the book. I'll be buying it soon.


Heh old man just walked it off like it was nothing. Mum apologised and patched him up but the wound was surprisingly quite minor. Still scared the crap out of me though when I was a kid walking into the kitchen wondering what's with all the shouting and watching mum chop away! 

He never hit her back, which at least taught me to never hit a woman no matter what she throws at you. And that if you want to behead someone you need a jagged blade to saw not to chop lol


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Normal or not normal is really not the point. Slavery was normal at one point. IT'S NOT AND HAS NEVER BEEN RIGHT! Abuse, verbal of physical is wrong, period.

Always strive to do right.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Aries04C said:


> I'm glad to hear you corrected your ways. From the ages of 4-20 I was living in Florida so yes, if my mother wanted she could have had him charged for assault.
> 
> 
> 
> Our country is still working on getting tougher laws regarding DV. Last year or so, there was a feminist march against violence towards women. The woman can still press charges on him but the problem is the aggressor spends very few time in jail, only to be released soon as charges of ''something minor''.




I was born and raised in California. When my brother in law was arrested in the late 70s he was only held long enough to “cool off”. I don’t think there were any charges. In ‘83 he broke my wife’s sister’s jaw and dislodged some teeth. 

That time, in 1983, he was charged with assault. I know that because it came up during their divorce. But it was California, so a lot different than other places. Also, she was hospitalized.


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