# Guys help a girl!!



## Cams (Jun 3, 2009)

Mama's boy or noooooo?
This may be me dealing with my own insecurities but I have a question about wether my fiance is too much of a mama's boy or if he is just a good son.

I didn't notice it until he moved here from NC (where his family lives) to MD (where I live) this past January. He moved here for me which is amazing...so we could be together. We had some tension for a while because he missed home etc but mostly things have been going well.

I have just been noticing things these past months regarding him and his mother's relationship.
1) His mom (or he does depending) calls at least every other day. Its never a long conversation but its still checking in, etc. For some reason it bothers me. Should it though? B/c when I mention it in passing my fiance gets slightly defensive and says its just how their relationship is and that I shouldn't get annoyed or jealous over it.
2) When we go to visit his family his mom asks him to call when he leaves, during the trip sometime, and if we are returnin home from visiting them...when he gets home. I don't know about others, but usually I'll call home to let them know when I get some place safe...but three times?
3) I know he misses home, but he jumps at any chance to go back home. Its usually when his mom mentions he should come home...at least...thats what Ive gotten from it. For instance, he went home three times last month. Once for mother's day, another for his bday, and then for his grandma's bday (ps his parents paid for him to get home every single time...which also is like...umm...) I don't mind him going home! In fact I went with him two of those times. I am just wondering if this may be a trend each month. Now this month he is planning on going home twice...once to make up for father's day he will be missing and another just to visit friends (but stay at his family's to "say hi"). I try to mention that its a lot of traveling and we should slow down and maybe go to his house maybe once a month. He is 23 yrs old, we are getting married....is jumping at the chance to go home (most def for his mom) more than once a month not normal or him just being a normal son? When we get married I don't want to be going to his parents three times a month...let alone more than once..or even every month.
4) His mom has a lot of opinions about everything. My fiance listens to her and a lot of times tells me "my mom thinks..etc". For instance, our wedding date. She thinks itd be best for us to wait until next year bc of money etc. My fiance pretty much agreed with her off the bat. I had no chance against the both of them. My fiance argues that she is older and more wise and we should listen to her. I agree in some ways. I just don't want him to agree with his mom everytime she has a certain opinion on something in our lives. I want him to consider my opinion first.
5) He just seems to talk about his mom a good deal. "my mom this..my mom that..." Not constantly, but frequently. He has started talking about her less, bc I talked with him a couple times about it. It bothers me still bc now I feel like he wants to mention her still all the time, but doesnt bc he doesnt want me to nag him about it. Along with that he doesnt tell me anymore when his mom calls...or he hides it and calls her when i'm not around. I don't want that...makes me feel out of the loop. Almost like him and his mom have this secret/exclusive relationship I can't be cued in on.
6) He loves his mother's cooking. Its nothing fancy...she's not a chef...so I am sure I can learn to cook things he will like. He mentions a lot "I love my mom's ___" or "I don't like any but my mom's ___" I sometimes say.."ok then I will make sure to not make it then, but he responds with "No, just make my mom's recipe". I'm nervous about making him happy with my cooking when he loves his mom's special way so much.

There are a few other little things I notice, but I won't list them. Its just...I want to be his number one woman. He tells me I am and that of course I am first, but sometimes I notice things that make me think...maybe he wants me to be first, but the truth is his mom is (?). I know he adores his mother which is ok. I just want to be the one he adores first...I will be his wife. I want to be first...not second to his mom. Sometimes I feel like the chord has just not been fully cut yet...and I want it to be...I am independent of my family (even though I still love them so much).

Maybe I have issues of my own...insecurities which lead to jealousy and lead to me overthinking things. I am sure my own issues play a part, but I am looking for advice. I want my man to have a good relationship with his mom...but where is the line drawn? When should I step back and not be uneasy or jealous about the time he spends on his mother.

I love my fiance sooo much. He really takes care of me and looks out for me. He shows me in many many ways...moving here, etc.

Maybe I have nothing to worry about.......


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sounds like you are with an emotionally normal human being. Good for him being close to his mother, means he will be a good husband to you. He respects her and values her opinion. 

You could be here posting about his infidelities, his boozing, his porn addictions, Meth, who knows what. Be glad this is your only concern. Now go give him a surprise lay!!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm thinkin that if your interactions with him are as lengthy as this long posting about how he loves his mother (and by inference, not you as much), than you may just be making him not spend time with you.

I don't see him as a mama's boy. 

Don't be so threatened by his connection to his family.


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## Cams (Jun 3, 2009)

michzz said:


> I'm thinkin that if your interactions with him are as lengthy as this long posting about how he loves his mother (and by inference, not you as much), than you may just be making him not spend time with you.
> 
> I don't see him as a mama's boy.
> 
> Don't be so threatened by his connection to his family.


there's the key. i feel threatened...it does need to stop.

i guess i was just puttin it out there to see if my feelings were warranted or if i just need to chill.

thanks.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

I wouldn't say mama's boy per se but there is a little too much of putting mama before wife here.

I call my mother several times a week, but she is 80 and lives in another state so it's to check on her mostly.

And no, no one can cook like my mother but I don't think I've ever told my wife that mom made this better or that better...um, come to think of it, I do a lot of the cooking...

I don't know why you would feel threatened though, that is troubling. Perhaps it's because you want all of the attention focused solely on you and that doesn't happen in any marriage and when it does, then people tend to start to feel smothered and trapped.

Let him know how you feel...don't stress the phone calls too much and the trips home sounded valid because they were special occasions...

Doing more together, spending time together, even if it's just going for a walk at night, might help you feel better.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You are definitely too jealous, borderline controlling in my opinion. Not only do you get jealous about him talking to his mother every other day (come on, I could see if it was 5 times a day!) but then you had a talk with him abuot talking about his mother too much?

Like someone said above, he is close to his mother, respects his mother...that is 99% of the time a great indication of the way he'll treat a wife in marriage. You need to look at it as a good thing.

I am a lot like your husband. I talk to my mom almost everyday, we live only about 2 blocks from my parents (to be fair, we are only 4 blocks from my wife's parents). I call my mom when I get on/off the plane on a business trip because she worries about that kind of stuff (safety on planes). I love my mom's cooking, listen to my mom's advice and consider it, even if I don't take the advice, etc.

Now, talk to my wife, and she will probably tell you that I take VERY good care of her and I treat my wife with the utmost respect and admiration.

When we lived 2+ hours away, we went to visit my parents once or twice a month on weekends. That was mostly due to our oldest son being their only grandkid at the time, but we still visited a lot.

Of course, my situation maybe different/easier as my wife LOVES my mom and typically gets along better with my mom than she does her own mother.

I do agree with JDP, he might be taking some things too "far", like the food thing. I would never tell my wife "just cook it the way my mom does" and I wouldn't automatically side with my mom's opinion, I would take her opinion seriously and consider it, but I would discuss things with my wife before I chose a "side".


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## Cams (Jun 3, 2009)

revitalizedhusband said:


> You are definitely too jealous, borderline controlling in my opinion. Not only do you get jealous about him talking to his mother every other day (come on, I could see if it was 5 times a day!) but then you had a talk with him abuot talking about his mother too much?
> 
> Like someone said above, he is close to his mother, respects his mother...that is 99% of the time a great indication of the way he'll treat a wife in marriage. You need to look at it as a good thing.
> 
> ...




Valid points. I think its my personality too. I am very independent from my parents...love them so much, but don't NEED very regular connections with them.

I went to college and maybe talked to my mom once a wk (maybe). Just the way I am. I guess I can't expect him to be the same way, b/c he's not me. 

Still...when I hear or see his mom calling him or him calling her every other day...in my own mind...red flags go off, b/c to me...that's not "normal" (for me). It makes me feel insufficient.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Keep in mind Cams that you'll ride rockier roads through out your marriage than this. That is life. I would seriously read another reply or two then forget it all.


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