# Should I Leave Him



## rosie65 (Sep 1, 2013)

This is my first post. I am having serious problems with my husband and I am at my wits end. We have been married 26 years and have two grown up sons who still live at home. 

The biggest problem is my husband drinks too much and when he drinks at home he wants to go out and then more often than not stays out all night. He drinks at home every weekend and him and one of my sons constantly argue because my son is always telling him he is embarrassing getting so drunk and acting like a fool. 

Three years ago we split up for a year. after the year he came back home and then i made some amazing discoveries. After being back a year he started going out every sunday night and not coming home, losing two jobs because he didnt make work on mondays, this went on for about 4 months. I discovered that he was having an affair with his best friends ex wife. when i leant this it stopped but his scorned friend filled me in on a lot of his activites during the time we were married and apart and the only word to describe this man is a predator. I learnt that during the year he was staying with his mum he was sleeping with anyone who would have him and it also happened when we were together. I have tried to put it behind me but it is very hard to forget and forgive. 

Things have been quite quiet of late as he hasn't gone out much but last week an old friend got on touch and away he went out with him and didn't come back until the next night. Then this weekend he did the same again, I text him saying come home or it's over and he texted me back saying "ooh". I feel like I have been kicked in the teeth and am at the end of my tether. 

I'm hoping that people on here will give me their opinions on this as I need some guidance. I know what I should do but am looking for advice.

Thanks for reading this long post.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why are you with him? 

Is he employed? 

If not cut off all funds to him so the he is forced to get a job. Then divorce him.

Do not stay with him any longer. He has gotten the message from you, that you are a door mat and will forgive him anything. He's such a low life that he takes advantage and treats you like [email protected] 

You deserve better, your sons deserve better.

That is no way to live your life. Respect yourself more.


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## rosie65 (Sep 1, 2013)

Your right he is a low life and he is employed at the minute. I know it probably sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me but I can't imagine my life without him, even as bad as he is. I'm really scared to split from him permanently.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unfortunately, you've tolerated your H's cheating and drinking for so long, now, he's unlikely to take any threats from you very seriously. Stop threatening and take action, OP. Your children are now adults and there is no reason for you to continue to allow your H to disrespect you and your marriage.

He needs to be made aware that he either gets help for his drinking and stops behaving like a single man, or you will divorce him. Frankly, at this stage, I would simply divorce him and find a new and better life for myself.

The unknown is rarely as scary as it appears, but a future with your H is going to simply be more of the same, and how much scarier is that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There is life after divorce. I recently ended a very long marriage. I moved into a new area where I knew no one. I have made new friends and have begun working out again. 

My life is good. Yours can be as well.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like he's an alcoholic. It may be time for an ultimatum - get help, join AA, and pull his life together or you're leaving for good. Give him a deadline, and stick to it. The only real question is why haven't you already done this?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I get change is scary. Lord knows that's why I let my situation drag on as long as it did. But your H has demonstrated that he does not care for your feelings, his health, his children's respect, or your marriage. Maybe its the alcohol talking, maybe not. You will never know unless you convince him to get help. And if he won't get help, your situation will never, never improve.
I think he's crossed your line in the sand and you want folks here to back you up-and there's nothing wrong with that. The time for action has long since come. If you really love the guy (and this is the same guy who disrespects you and your family on a regular basis) and you want to invest more of yourself in the marriage, then he needs to know there are consequences. He gets help for his drinking and stops running around, or the marriage is over. That means you go to an attorney for a consultation to determine where you stand and let him know that step has already happened. Do not leave the marital home. I hope he gets the help he needs


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

rosie65 said:


> This is my first post. I am having serious problems with my husband and I am at my wits end. We have been married 26 years and have two grown up sons who still live at home.
> 
> The biggest problem is* my husband drinks too much *and when he drinks at home he wants to go out and then more often than not* stays out all night*. He *drinks at home every weekend* and *him and one of my sons constantly argue* because my son is always telling him he is embarrassing getting so drunk and acting like a fool.
> 
> ...


I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand that you are afraid of the unknown but you really need to look at where this is at. Please show your sons that women should have dignity and honor. This isn't how they should be treated. Your husband has some serious issues, you are not going to fix them. You are never going to be able to forgive him and move past this because it is STILL GOING ON.

May I also suggest you get into IC. You seem to have trouble respecting yourself. You also are behaving like a co-dependent. In addition to being a co-dependent to your husband, you have two adult sons who are living with you - why?

Please, please, please kick your husband out *now*. He does not respect you and he doesn't even care if he infects you with an STD, which is very likely.


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## rosie65 (Sep 1, 2013)

Thank you for your replies. I agree with what you all say. I know what I have to do but wanted to hear people say I was doing the right thing, a bit of support as i am a wimp. My two sons still live with me because the eldest one (22) has just finished uni and the younger one (19) is still at uni so home is the right place for them at the moment. Thank you all for your honest replies.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

rosie65 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I agree with what you all say. I know what I have to do but wanted to hear people say I was doing the right thing, a bit of support as i am a wimp. My two sons still live with me because the eldest one (22) has just finished uni and the younger one (19) is still at uni so home is the right place for them at the moment. Thank you all for your honest replies.


Rosie first I'm very sorry you are going through this. Being involved with an alcoholic is like watching a slow motion car crash every bottle with you as the passenger. Eventually you come to accept the crashes as "normal" and plan your day around it. The problem with this is that your husband is literally stealing the most precious thing in your life, YOUR TIME. You can't get that back and alcholism has to be one of the most selfish addictions to ever infect humankind. 

So what do you do? Alcoholics only understand when they hit rock bottom what's at stake and you need to be prepared to walk if your strict boundries are met. It really comes down to black and white thinking. 

This is what needs to happen:

1. Sit down with him and tell him he needs to join AA.
2. He needs to quit drinking immediately. Cold Turkey. No alcohol period.
3. He needs to cut ties with drinking buddies and/or stop going to bars.

Personally I think you have a long road ahead of you and since he cheated on you already I would have shown him the door. There are TONS of men that would love a loyal faithful woman like you. Your husband does not deserve you. 

Oh and i'm a strict believer that alcoholism is not an illness. It's a selfish addiction and a lack of self control. 
3.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

rosie65 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I agree with what you all say. I know what I have to do but wanted to hear people say I was doing the right thing, a bit of support as i am a wimp. My two sons still live with me because the eldest one (22) has just finished uni and the younger one (19) is still at uni so home is the right place for them at the moment. Thank you all for your honest replies.


And your priority is teaching our kids not to do the same as their father. My father was an alcoholic. He actually had a kidney removed just before Christmas due to it being swollen and destroyed with cancer. Doctors told him to quit drinking to which he said "Well I have one kidney left and its Christmas!"


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Rosie - I'm so sad to read this. 
This isn't a loving or good marriage in any way, shape or form.
His behavior in neither loving or respectful.... in fact it's quite the opposite. 

He is a drunk and serial cheater...both are difficult to 'reform' from and even then the person has to really really *want* to change.

Personally...if I was your best friend I would want to come over with black plastic rubbish sacks and help you put all his cr*p into them then we would place them outside the front door then I would encourage her to D him and never look back. 

Don't you think you deserve better than this? 

Could single life be any worse than your present situation :scratchhead:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is a terrible dynamic rosie and it's having dyer consequences on your kids (they are your safety net and it is cripling them). I think your number one goal is to get yours kids out of the house for THEIR own good.

Then from the marriage you describe, things have to change dramatically else it's going to implode. Just do job number one first though. Protect your kids and make them move out and grow up.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Work with me Rosie. What part of life can't you imagine without him?

Close your eyes and while not being wildly unrealistic, think about what a day without him would feel like. The weight leaving your shoulders. The responsibility for another alleged adult being returned to them as rightfully there's. How much time would be given back to you? Do you remember what it feels like to relax?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rosie, the way to imagine a life without him is to start building it now.

What is out life, outside of your husband like? Do you work? Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies? What about extended family?

How old are the two of you?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Clipclop hit it on the head. What prevents you from imagining a life without an alcoholic philanderer?


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## rosie65 (Sep 1, 2013)

I know, I'm shocking, I should have done this a long time ago, but I'm determined to do it now. He came home last night about 8.00 pm, almost out a full 24 hours. I looked at his phone and the friend he went out with had texted him in the morning asking if he got home ok and after 9 in the morning he had phoned a taxi. God knows where he spent the night and to be honest I really feel like I don't care!! That's a first. 

He is at work but I will confront him when he gets home - dreading this but has to be done. 

In reply to posts - yes I work, I have a car in my name and we own the house outright and it is in my name. I always put everything in my name so he couldn't sell or borrow against anything. As for my sons, when my eldest gets a job he will be looking to move out, my youngest is still in education and he is still dealing with internal demons due to an unprovoced violent assault against him a year ago when he was stabbed. He will move out when he is ready - he is getting better, starting to go out again, but it has been a long process. Infact thinking about that time, I went to the hospital with my eldest son when we got that phone call as my H was out cold on the bed drunk!! Woke up in the morning to see myself and my son white faced asking what's up?? Says a lot!!!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Rosie, I am so glad you are getting ready to move forward. You have done a nice job setting yourself up to be independent. I am really sorry to hear what your son has gone through. I can't help but think how much better his, yours and your older sons lives will be once your H is out of the house.

The amount of stress a person like this adds is tremendous. All three of you will feel a sense of peace you didn't even know existed. 

You are a great lady, you are strong and you can do this.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Good for you Rosie. I hope it all goes well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rosie, 

When you confront him after work today, what's your goal? 

Just to chew him out for going out and doing who knows what?

To tell him to move out?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

rosie65 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I agree with what you all say. I know what I have to do but wanted to hear people say I was doing the right thing, a bit of support as i am a wimp. My two sons still live with me because the eldest one (22) has just finished uni and the younger one (19) is still at uni so home is the right place for them at the moment. Thank you all for your honest replies.


No you're not a wimp. You're probably just completely worn down by years of disrespect.

I'm sure you and your sons will be a lot happier without your H! There's a wonderful world out there, but it can be difficult to appreciate when our home life is such a negative influence.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The short answer to your question is, 'Yes, you should leave him.'

Why continue to live with an alcoholic womanizer who shows you no respect? What is truly in it for you?

Go have a life!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

We are here for you!

I'm really proud of you.

Your financial situation sounds pretty decent. But time to see a,lawyer, ok?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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