# In-Law question



## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

What are your feelings towards your in laws?
Not just parents of your SO but brothers sisters etc.?


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Very complicated for me. In fact, I just realized I don't have any good in-law relationships any more . 

I'm divorced. My ex and I reconciled last year, but now we're apart again, forever. The last interaction I had with my former MIL was when I sent her a text after her son put bruises on me and I never heard from her. That was several months ago. We used to have a great relationship. It makes me quite sad.

In addition to that, I met my ex when he and I were in a wedding together. It was my best friend's wedding. So, my best friend became my SIL, which was super awesome for many years as we had babies, etc. But then my marriage went to hell and she disappeared. She's now great friends with the OW and I was abandoned. We've talked about this but things will never be the same. I feel like I lost my nieces and nephew, too . My relationship with her husband (my ex's brother) was never great because I think he's an *******, as do most people who know him (he's an arrogant snob). When I was pregnant with my first child, after fertility treatments and when we were waiting to hear if we were having more than 1, he told his mother (who told me) that he hoped we had multiples and it caused us marriage problems. WTF? Who would say that and why??? I never forgot it. He didn't get his wish about the multiples, but our marriage did fall apart.

I have one sister, so I have one BIL. My relationship with him USED to be great (aside from a hiccup when he hit on me), but last year he ceased talking to me or my ex when we reconciled because he was totally against our reconciliation. (Turns out he was right). We are now split again, and the first thing he did/said was to offer his financial support in any way he could, but it's still just so awkward. He lives only a couple miles away and I went nearly a year without even seeing him at all, and he's also my boss! I have a really, really great relationship with their kids, though (my niece and nephew). 

To sum up, my relationship with my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL) was great before divorce. Now....not at all .


----------



## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Very complicated for me. In fact, I just realized I don't have any good in-law relationships any more .
> 
> I'm divorced. My ex and I reconciled last year, but now we're apart again, forever. The last interaction I had with my former MIL was when I sent her a text after her son put bruises on me and I never heard from her. That was several months ago. We used to have a great relationship. It makes me quite sad.
> 
> ...


:frown2: I'm very sorry to hear all that...


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Mother/father in law - Both great people. Helped us a lot when we were first married. I was more of a son to them than their own son. Bent over backwards for them since they were so good to us.

Brother-in-law - He's OK but he's distant with his sister (my wife). Friendly but even though we only live an hour away we only see them every 2-3 years.

My wife, on the other hand, doesn't really like most of my family. We're very sarcastic and when a sibling "insults" me my wife takes it seriously. It has caused a lot of friction between us.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm divorced, and my XH was an only child. His parents were awful, awful people. Turned out their son took after them both in a multitude of ways. So I'm glad to be rid of them.

I have one sister, and she is married to the best guy in the world. My BIL is awesome. He's the strong and silent type, but he is crazy about my sister and treats her so well. I've seen him pinch her butt when he thinks no one else is looking. It's kind of adorable. And he adores their two little girls--he's a great dad. He and I get along pretty well. We don't always have a lot to talk about, but then again he and I don't spend any time alone together--we just see each other at family stuff, or if I visit them, the kids and my sister are always around. I'm not really sure how he feels about me, but he doesn't avoid me, so I guess that's a good sign? Nah, I'm kidding, we have a good time. if he can put up with my mom, well... I'm a breeze, compared to her. And he's always willing to help out with stuff if I ask. Which I don't do much, but still.

And I've gotten to know his family pretty well, because I see them all at every birthday party and whatnot, so I kind of think of them as my extended in-laws. I think they're all pretty cool. His mom can be a little bossy/in-charge type, but that's cool because it means that I can abdicate any and all responsibility when she's around! Ha ha. But seriously, she can be like that, but also has a lot of respect for other people, and is very kind. We always have nice talks when I see her. And my BIL's dad is a good guy. Like my BIL, he's pretty quiet, but he's a good guy, and he can be really funny sometimes. I like my BIL's parents much more than the real-life in-laws that I had.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Mother/father in law - Both great people. Helped us a lot when we were first married. I was more of a son to them than their own son. Bent over backwards for them since they were so good to us.
> 
> Brother-in-law - He's OK but he's distant with his sister (my wife). Friendly but even though we only live an hour away we only see them every 2-3 years.
> *
> My wife, on the other hand, doesn't really like most of my family. We're very sarcastic and when a sibling "insults" me my wife takes it seriously. It has caused a lot of friction between us.*


I would struggle with this, too. I don't like sarcasm. I think it's meanness thinly veiled as humor.

Don't be too hard on her, because that mentality isn't going to change for her.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

My future brother and sister-in-law are quiet but both really pleasant to interact with. I think there is a bit of awkwardness between us as I have children their ages. I attempt to interact with them by treating them as siblings of my SO (they are 10 years younger than she), rather than as a peer of my own children, so I interact with them the same way as I would my SO, rather than how I interact with my children. I suspect they are a bit unsure how to interact with me, since I'm 25+ years older than both of them, they may see me more as a parental figure than their sister's husband.

My future mother-in-law?  Well that's a different story entirely. For some reason, none of the mothers of the women I've been romantically involved with have liked me much.... Or, phrase it a different way, don't like me for their daughters, even though they may like me as a person. I guess they always think their daughter can "do better" -- certainly my XW's mother thought she could. (Aside: it really is amazing sometimes how much havoc an SO's family can impact on a relationship. I am certain my XW's mother dislike of me played some role in my divorce, and I have friends whose wife's mothers directly sabotaged their marriages resulting in divorce.) Currently part of the "disapproval" is I'm closer to my SO's mother's age (12 years apart) than I am to my SO (16 years apart). So, I'm the "older man" who used his 'older man Jedi Mind Tricks' to seduce her daughter. >

Well, the Jedi Mind tricks worked, but she's a keeper :grin2:


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I cut contact with all my inlaws 3 years ago. I couldnt trust them. It was hard at first. I liked them. But, in the end they were more loyal to my XW, no matter how bad she was messing up.


----------



## DeaNera® (Aug 19, 2015)

My family in law has family values completely different from me.
They are nice and pleasant, but I know I cannot rely on them. I know as a fact they will not help when we will have a child.
I accepted that as a fact and cultural diversity, and I rely on my mother only. 
Sometimes I am still angry at them, but then I think I have my mother (thank god) who will help me if we will have a child and she will eventually move and cross the ocean for me!


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

DeaNera® said:


> My family in law has family values completely different from me.
> They are nice and pleasant, but I know I cannot rely on them. I know as a fact they will not help when we will have a child.
> I accepted that as a fact and cultural diversity, and I rely on my mother only.
> Sometimes I am still angry at them, but then I think I have my mother (thank god) who will help me if we will have a child and she will eventually move and cross the ocean for me!


They might not help... but on the positive side, that means that they won't be overbearing and interfering all the time.

Everything has a silver lining


----------



## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

I love my mother and father IL, but back when we first moved here to NZ we lived with them for about 18 months, they were very helpful. At the time though i just felt likeIt was a bit much and we all had our arguments and lots of spats and every body was in every body else's business. Now that we live 2 and some hours away we are all good as gold.

SIL-I love her to death, she was a real spoiled brat though. She's doing real ell for her self now and is working on Super yachts in France and all around europe about 4 or 5 months now. So proud 

BIL... I Don't even know what to say. I don't hate him but can't go as far as saying i like him. I do tolerate him and his wife though. My husband likes spending time with him in theory. He frustrates the hell out of H after a few minuets, which in turn irritates the fu*k out of me. 

I'm an only child, I honestly dont know my H's feeling about my mom?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My in laws are what brought me to TAM, lol. My user name stands for frustrated daughter in law.

They've never liked me, there is no reason for this. It's not me, it's them. It's also not personal - they did the same to hubby's first wife...the two of us couldn't be more different.

I can't stand them now....I tried so hard for so long and nothing I did worked so I just gave up. I no longer see them, but hubby does, he goes on his own. The saddest part of all this is my stepdaughter refuses to see them. She saw the way they treated her mother, and now sees me being treated the same way and she's sick of it. She absolutely refuses to have anything to do with the them - she's their only grandchild


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm very close to my 2 sisters in laws, brother in law and father in law and their spouses. My Mother in law passed away years ago and I took it hard. We recently moved back to the town we were born in and now we all see each other often. 

I see a lot of posts here where a spouse doesn't get along with their in laws and I can see where that would affect the marriage, so anyone who in engaged and don't like their in laws I would think twice before getting married especially if your spouse is close to them (both physically and emotionally)


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

frusdil said:


> My in laws are what brought me to TAM, lol. My user name stands for frustrated daughter in law.
> 
> They've never liked me, there is no reason for this. It's not me, it's them. It's also not personal - they did the same to hubby's first wife...the two of us couldn't be more different.
> 
> I can't stand them now....I tried so hard for so long and nothing I did worked so I just gave up. I no longer see them, but hubby does, he goes on his own. The saddest part of all this is my stepdaughter refuses to see them. She saw the way they treated her mother, and now sees me being treated the same way and she's sick of it. She absolutely refuses to have anything to do with the them - she's their only grandchild


That's so sad. And they're at a point in their life that they will never change. How is their relationship with your husband?

My former in-laws never actively disliked me (my ex-FIL thought I was the cat's pajamas, actually, while the best my ex-MIL could manage was that I "seemed like a nice girl"), but they were such dysfunctional, toxic, and horrible people that I had to limit my contact as much as possible. My XH used pretty much all his vacation time every year to visit them, and I refused to spend my limited vacation time with people who made me miserable (and as a result, for YEARS my XH never to a vacation with ME, but that's another story). So I managed to only see them a few times over the course of my ill-fated former marriage. 

The funny this was, my ex-FIL was SO PROUD of the fact that I finished my MA that he INSISTED that he and his wife come to town for my grad school graduation ceremony. I was very surprised; I didn't think that they would even care. Well, my ex-MIL didn't give a sh!t, she just sniffed about how expensive another trip would be, and it would be so inconvenient for them both to have to take additional time off work, but that didn't surprise me. I kind of didn't WANT them to come, because that would mean having to deal with my parents AND his parents all at the same time, and it as supposed to be a big celebration for me, and in the end it ended up being really stressful. (Not to mention that my XH decided on his own that the graduation party was going to be big with all this elaborate food and whatever, when I told him many times that all I wanted was burgers on the grill and picnic food. Another story for another time!) But it was sweet, that he wanted to be there, even if he is a mean, drunken bastard the rest of the time.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It is sad, especially them missing out on their only grandchild's childhood, but it's their own doing. The saddest part of all is that they love her very much, but fail to see how their behaviour is hurtful to her.

Hubby's relationship with them is fairly good, at least on the surface. He knows what they're like, but his mother is SO domineering he'd never call her out on it. None of them will, which is why she keeps doing it. FIL is a sanctimonious old codger, but he generally keeps his opinions to himself - it's written all over his face what he's thinking though. SIL is a divorced (15 years ago) old maid - seriously, it's so sad. She is so enmeshed with MIL and FIL. Hubby can't tell her anything because anything he tells her goes straight back to MIL and FIL. He said the only people he really trusts are me, my mum and his BFF.

MIL thinks nothing of arriving home from holidays and sending presents home for hubby and SD but nothing for me, or inviting hubby and SD over for dinner but not me. It ticks me off that hubby doesn't call her out on this (I don't want to go, but I want hubby making it clear to his family that he won't accept his wife being treated this way) but it is what it is.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Brother-in-law is younger, being early 20s. He has a good head on his shoulders. He's well traveled, smart and creative. We get along well and have music in common. His priorities are very different to ours at his age and because of that, my husband can find it hard to relate. He asks us for advice at times, particularly around relationships and with mother-in-law. It's interesting to observe how both my brother-in-law and husband can share behavioral similarities that stems from dysfunctional relationship with their mother. My husband has been able to guide him through some of that and openly jokes that he's only able to do as a result of therapy. I've known brother-in-law since he was 3 years old and I have a lot of respect for the man he's becoming. 

The relationship between mother-in-law and I has improved since hubs did the hard work in recent years of not taking her crap anymore. It was always okay on a surface level but now I feel that she genuinely considers and includes me. It wasn't always that way. Recently she even told me how thankful she was that hubs and I had one another and what a positive difference I'd made in his life. She's expressed that she has learned a lot and is aware to do things differently with brother-in-law's relationships. I can't say we chat on the phone or hang out together but we do text regularly. I have a higher tolerance towards her than my husband. When I take her at face value, he will sometimes suggest for me to be aware of her motives. 

Father-in-law is funny. We always have a good laugh. He will bait me into debating politics with him and although we strongly disagree, end up laughing together. He's a cool guy to spend time with.... and that's how I think of him... not as a father figure to my husband as he hasn't been that. That is how I need to view him to have the relationship we have; without judging him or feeling in defense of my husband. 

We don't live close to family though. It is what it is. Slightly dysfunctional but we sleep well at night.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

All my in laws are a OK except my MIL as she is a drama queen. She acts out in my opinion because she no longer has any control over the family, so she will do what ever she can to become the center of attention. Her favorite stunt is to get lost in shopping malls, cry, and have some random store manager call us to come get her out of the store because she is having a nervous breakdown. I've told my wife that we need to get her one of those GPS transponders that kids wear and that you can call back and forth and the person receiving the calls can see the location (MIL). This has happened three times now! 

As for my wife and my family, they are barely on speaking terms. My side of the family are basically a bunch of selfish ******** with a local syndrome known as "10¢ Millionaires." They all live in nice houses, but it is all filled with "antique" just purchased at flea markets and thrift stores, that I personally see as junk. Heaven forbid the kids go playing around their junk and knock something down that only costs 10¢, because it would cost $1,000s to replace it.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I like my in-laws. I get along great with my MIL and SIL, and I like my FIL well enough but he can be annoying. They all live far away, so they're not a problem. MIL does visit about every other year for a week, but her visits are always pleasant.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My brother-in-laws are great guys. I've known them since they were 14 and 12 and they are like brothers to me. My in-laws are dysfunctional. I don't know how the three brothers ended up being so normal. I guess they figured they would just do everything the opposite of their parents.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I have cut ties with my in laws. They were the reason I almost got a divorce (we lived with them and my husband refused to move out...in the meantime, they made my life hell...the only way to get away from them was by leaving my husband). Although hubby and I are together now, I am still very suspicious of them and that "dark cloud" is always over my marriage. I tried to reconcile with them about a month ago but they couldn't care less.


----------



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I have a very weird "relationship" with my in-laws. It only works because they are several states away and I don't see them very often. When I do, I try to be cordial, but it is a strain most of the time.

They are very much more in tune with my wife's sister. The sister is still very dependent on them, even as she is nearing 40 y.o. I have provided a life for my family that we are fully independent and don't want/need their money. That has caused a wedge. They can't control me or my wife with money as they do their other daughter. They also hold it against me that we moved many states away - yet it was my wife's dream to move to the state we are in now. 

Their family is very matriarchal as well. I am not a pig, but I don't follow that model. I view my wife as an equal and expect the same. The other men in that family all bow down to the women. It is quite disgusting to me.

My FIL was being quite disrespectful to me about 5 years ago. It almost came to blows. FIL/MIL was actually being more disrespectful to my wife, and I stood up to shut them down. I made it clear I would not tolerate her being treated like that. My wife actually got mad at me for standing up to her parents. That led to another fight.

At that point, I realized that I just need to keep a lot of space between us. In the few interactions I have, I try to be cordial and tolerating. But, I mostly stay quiet and just make sure they leave me alone.

So, overall, I would say it is not a good relationship with my in-laws. ha ha!!


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I wish a bomb drop on my in laws' place with all inside .

They completely "robbed" me of my money and destroyed my marriage n family .


----------



## Newlywed718 (Aug 23, 2015)

Both FIL are great - DH's mom is divorced and remarried.

BIL is cool too.

Both SIL and MIL are a living nightmare which is why I came to this site. Both DH and I do not speak to SIL as she is horrid. MIL is not much better but he refuses to see any of that.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Newlywed718 said:


> Both SIL and MIL are a living nightmare which is why I came to this site. Both DH and I do not speak to SIL as she is horrid. MIL is not much better but he refuses to see any of that.


Haha! Same here. Inlaw troubles brought me to TAM too. My husband is starting to get it thank goodness! His mum was running me into the ground on Friday night over the phone, I heard every word she said - and he actually challenged her and called her out on her lies. It felt good.

He was supposed to go there yesterday to get the fathers day stuff out of the way, but he came up to me, hugged me and said "I don't wanna go" lol. He cancelled. Completely of his own accord, I'd been out and was sure to be home with the car in plenty of time for him to get there, but he met me as I drove in and was all waaaah I don't wanna....rofl!

I told him the other night when we were discussing this issue over dinner, that my resentment is growing a little more each time he lets them denigrate me. I said it will reach the point where it starts to eat away at our marriage, and he's the only one who can fix it. That shocked him I think - and he's started standing up for me and actually challenging the old dragon when she starts. This is a huge step forward for us


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

It is

If my ex had done it , i will.give him a good time ;-) 

But no . that is why he is ex 

He ran me down n hit me after the in laws rob me


----------



## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

badsanta said:


> All my in laws are a OK except my MIL as she is a drama queen. She acts out in my opinion because she no longer has any control over the family, so she will do what ever she can to become the center of attention.


lol You would hate me IRL sound a bit lik me.


----------

