# Am I overreacting?



## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

Yesterday was my anniversary. I never expect gifts or anything over the top. All I wanted to do was order dinner, put the kids to bed early and have some kid-free time with my husband. 

We picked up dinner and when we got home he unexpectedly said his buddy was coming over in 10 minutes to give a quote for some yard work he wanted done. Fast forward 2.5 hours later, he was still outside talking to his friend and a bunch of our neighbours. I ate by myself dinner by myself and put our 3 kids to bed.

I was so heartbroken. All I wanted was a simple night together and I spent the evening by myself. When he finally came inside I was showering. He expected to jump in the shower for sex, completely oblivious I was upset. I told him how upset I was and he left and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. 

I always try my best to make things like his birthday or Father’s Day special (even if we keep it low key). And all I wanted was a low key night with him. But when it comes to me, I feel like he never thinks of me or plans anything for me. 

We have barely talked all day today, he asked if we could “re-do” our anniversary today but honestly getting a “re-do” doesn’t change what happened last night for me. Am I overreacting?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Yes


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lostinlove88 said:


> Yesterday was my anniversary. I never expect gifts or anything over the top. All I wanted to do was order dinner, put the kids to bed early and have some kid-free time with my husband.
> 
> We picked up dinner and when we got home he unexpectedly said his buddy was coming over in 10 minutes to give a quote for some yard work he wanted done. Fast forward 2.5 hours later, he was still outside talking to his friend and a bunch of our neighbours. I ate by myself dinner by myself and put our 3 kids to bed.
> 
> ...


How long have you been married, if you don't mind? I understand your feelings but would like a more complete picture.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You don't seem to have reacted much at all, so I would say NO, you are not overreacting.
You said, that the moment had been lost and you didn't feel like sex.
That's understandable, but it depends on the tone of voice and delivery.

Your husband has reacted by not talking to you on your anniversary night.
For someone as talkative as he seems, that is a reaction also.

Why he couldn't excuse himself from neighbours when food had been picked up for a special meal, is poor form.

It is hard to get back a lost special moment, especially the next day. I wouldn't be able to look forward to a take 2 myself. 
But maybe instead of an anniversary redo, you two could arrange a night out together at least, so that you have something to look forward to from this, instead of negative memories


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Did he know what your expectations for the night were? Did he know exactly what you wanted it to look like?


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## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> How long have you been married, if you don't mind? I understand your feelings but would like a more complete picture.


 7 years


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Did he know what your expectations for the night were? Did he know exactly what you wanted it to look like?


That is, had you discussed and planned the evening events with him, or did you expect him to "just know" what he was supposed to do?


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## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Did he know what your expectations for the night were? Did he know exactly what you wanted it to look like?


He 100% knew. We talked about it all week. This was going to be the first anniversary we’ve had in the past 7 years of our marriage that I wasn’t either pregnant or breastfeeding.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Lostinlove88 said:


> He 100% knew. We talked about it all week. This was going to be the first anniversary we’ve had in the past 7 years of our marriage that I wasn’t either pregnant or breastfeeding.


Then no, you're not overreacting. He blew it big time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This doesn’t say much for your husband. You aren’t overreacting. Sounds like you, your feelings just don’t mean that much to him.

It doesn’t take much of an effort to remember an anniversary.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn’t meet your needs but then expects to have his needs met? No.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lostinlove88 said:


> He 100% knew. We talked about it all week. This was going to be the first anniversary we’ve had in the past 7 years of our marriage that I wasn’t either pregnant or breastfeeding.


With this info, I would say you didn't overreact at all.

He isn't new to this and he doesn't seem to have an excuse or mitigating circumstances.

He needs to get in the game because he isn't even connected.

7 years in and knowing you want time with him on your anniversary, (absolutely necessary and reasonable), gives him no excuse to behave the way he did.

Then he climbs in the shower with you after ignoring you?

He needs to come to Conan's attitude adjustment seminar. I guarantee results.😡


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sfort said:


> That is, had you discussed and planned the evening events with him, or did you expect him to "just know" what he was supposed to do?


A really great observation. The following is really addressed to the OP. This is a great example of what Glover in his book NMMNG would call in a "Nice Guy's" covert contract. But this time it is a woman doing essentially the same thing.

A covert contract is where on partner says if I do X them that will make my partner do Y, without telling them what the "deal" is. When you do X and your partner doesn't do Y, you get all upset. For a Nice Guy the next step is typically to do an even larger X. An example is you do the dishes for a change, expecting your wife to jump your bones. Instead she takes a bath and reads a book well beyond when you have gone to bed. Then the next day you do the dishes and the laundry hoping that will get her to initiate sex with you. But it doesn't.

The lesson is that if you want to do X, then do it because it is something you want to do and not because you expect something in return. If you want to set up a contract, then negotiate the contract so each party knows what the rules of the game are. 

The OP should have told her H that it was there anniversary and she wanted to do something special to celebrate and feel close. When they got the take-out food, she should have let him know that she was looking forward to having dinner with him and celebrating their marriage. One of the problems is that often time we talk past each other. She may well have felt she did communicate her expectations and he may not have "heard" what she was telling him. Is that a failure on her part or his part? It really doesn't matter in a marriage whose fault it was. What matters is how each of them handles it.

I wish the OP luck and happiness.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

This was all intended.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

redacted


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

you were right to be upset. I don’t see an overreaction. I think you need to give him a wake up call and see how willing he is to start treating you as though you are highly valued. We men can get complacent and forget our wife’s needs. He’s gotten complacent, or been that way. Maybe you need to overreact.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

After 20 minutes of waiting re the yard work quote, why didn't you go outside and say hey, our anniversary dinner is waiting, please come inside?


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## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

Livvie said:


> After 20 minutes of waiting re the yard work quote, why didn't you go outside and say hey, our anniversary dinner is waiting, please come inside?


I did ask him when he was coming in. He said “a few minutes”. Never happened. I’m not going to hound him to come inside, he knew what day it was and what we had planned. He made the decision to keep talking outside.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

No overreacting here.

Wondering what his rain check would have looked like. I’m guessing it would have still stunk.

If I know it’s a sure thing I’m having sex with my wife then I’m crawling over broken glass for that. Talking to someone about yard work? 😫


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lostinlove88 said:


> he knew what day it was and what he had planned


How do you know what's in his mind? 

When you *****ed at him about it, what was his excuse?


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## Lostinlove88 (May 15, 2021)

Sfort said:


> How do you know what's in his mind?
> 
> When you *****ed at him about it, what was his excuse?


I never said he was a mind reader. He knew what WE planned because we talked about all week. He even came with me to pick up dinner that night and we talked about putting the kids to bed early for some lone time.
When he finally came in, he said sorry for staying outside too long talking. Any other night I would not have cared that he stayed outside so long.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lostinlove88 said:


> I never said he was a mind reader. He knew what WE planned because we talked about all week. He even came with me to pick up dinner that night and we talked about putting the kids to bed early for some lone time.
> When he finally came in, he said sorry for staying outside too long talking. Any other night I would not have cared that he stayed outside so long.


If he "knew" and didn't forget, like all men do, then you have a problem. He doesn't respect you.


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

You have a right to be upset. He's an idiot for ruining your first anniversary together where you are more free. I'm so sorry this happened. My heart aches hearing your story 😟


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lostinlove88 said:


> Am I overreacting?


No, you're not. I'd be furious and heartbroken, and probably not as nice about it as you were


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

No you are not overreacting. It was your wedding anniversary. You shouldn’t need to spell it out for him. It doesn’t matter which number it was or the circumstances, they should all count. 

Quite shocked that anyone would even begin to think about defending him.

I hate it when I get the silent treatment, would much rather have the row.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Lostinlove88 said:


> He 100% knew. We talked about it all week. This was going to be the first anniversary we’ve had in the past 7 years of our marriage that I wasn’t either pregnant or breastfeeding.


You're definitely not overreacting to this. You guys talked about it prior to the anniversary, so expectations were put into place. Why in the world would he schedule a quote for yard work on a special day? You do need to tell him calmly though, why you're so upset. Personally, I wouldn't do a redo on the anniversary dinner; just go out for a child-free dinner at some point in the future, or order in some evening when the children are with Grandma and Grandpa.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A guy who chooses to spend our anniversary talking to others (when we've planned it together and he knows I'm waiting for him) and then thinks he's having sex with me can **** right off. The shower part takes real nerve.

Why don't you let him plan this redo? Don't lift a ****ing finger for it and see if he makes a reasonable effort.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I would ask him why he wanted to re-do the anniversary? Is it out of guilt and genuine remorse or is it to dig himself out of a great big hole that he knows he dug for himself?

If it is the former, I think I would be gracious in acknowledging his efforts but would make him do all the work. If it is the latter, you can either turn him down and let him know that his offer is insulting or make the re-do very expensive. Is there anywhere you really want to go such as a restaurant or show?


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## walkout wife (Mar 1, 2013)

You not overreacting- he's blown it big time. Maybe give him an opportunity to make up for it?


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## Pinkas (Nov 15, 2012)

Lostinlove88 said:


> Yesterday was my anniversary. I never expect gifts or anything over the top. All I wanted to do was order dinner, put the kids to bed early and have some kid-free time with my husband.
> 
> We picked up dinner and when we got home he unexpectedly said his buddy was coming over in 10 minutes to give a quote for some yard work he wanted done. Fast forward 2.5 hours later, he was still outside talking to his friend and a bunch of our neighbours. I ate by myself dinner by myself and put our 3 kids to bed.
> 
> ...


I get it but at least he acknowledged that he would like to redo it instead of ignoring it all together.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

Lostinlove88 said:


> Yesterday was my anniversary. I never expect gifts or anything over the top. All I wanted to do was order dinner, put the kids to bed early and have some kid-free time with my husband.
> 
> We picked up dinner and when we got home he unexpectedly said his buddy was coming over in 10 minutes to give a quote for some yard work he wanted done. Fast forward 2.5 hours later, he was still outside talking to his friend and a bunch of our neighbours. I ate by myself dinner by myself and put our 3 kids to bed.
> 
> ...


Sounds like me. Except roles reversed. It seems your husband is like my wife, oblivious to how their actions make us feel. I find myself always thinking about her and how i can make her feel special especially on our anniversary, but i barely get a text while shes at work. Im always hoping for some sort or sign of affection but apparently it because they are jot validation people… meaning they dont need validation or reassurance but we do.


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