# Kindness vs appearance



## Enchained (May 31, 2017)

*I have NEVER been attracted to husband*

I have known my husband for 6 years and last year we got married. He is the sweetest guy and has an amazing heart. As the days go by i realize that I am not than attracted to him and have never been. To be more specific I do not find him handsome but I know that he is a good guy and this is why I married him. I come from a deeply Christian family and they had all urged me to marry him because they felt that he was such a good person and we had already been living together. ( iI think that they feared for my reputation that people might talk if they knew were lived together but decided not to get married). I thought that things would change after marriage, that I would start to feel attracted to him when we settle down; sadly this is not the case and I feel trapped. We do not have kids yet and I think that, if we are to get separated, we should do it now before it gets more complicated. I just apprehend how people will judge me and think that I am crazy to have gotten married and wanting to get separated so quickly.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Do what is right for you. People will always judge. Do not let others that judge stand in your way of happiness. 


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

*Re: have NEVER been attracted to husband*



Enchained said:


> As the days go by i realize that I am not than attracted to him and have never been. To be more specific I do not find him handsome


Memorize Hold's 2 rules for lack of attraction:
1. Do not marry someone you don't find attractive. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids with someone you don't find attractive. It isn't fair to the kids. And then all of you are stuck together.



> We do not have kids yet and I think that, if we are to get separated, we should do it now before it gets more complicated. I just apprehend how people will judge me and think that I am crazy to have gotten married and wanting to get separated so quickly.


You broke rule #1. Do not break rule #2, the costs is much higher.

You know what you must do. Not saying that people won't gossip or that it won't hurt when you detect signs of what some of them think. But that is the cost you must pay to free both of you from the trap. Get divorced now. Before you have kids. Before things get exponentially more complicated. Before you subject more innocent victims into your mistake.

Maybe you cannot bring yourself to file for divorce. OK, fine. But please do me this favor. Tell your husband the truth. Tell him you do not find him handsome or sexually attractive. Tell him you do not desire to have sex with him, and in fact find yourself pulling away from him. Do you cringe inwardly when he reaches for you? Tell him this.

You are not telling him this to be cruel. You are telling him this to be honest and to live up to your vows. He needs to know the truth. With any luck he will do your dirty work for you and file for divorce himself. But if he chooses to stay, at least he will be choosing with his eyes wide open. When he reaches for you in bed, and you pull back, he will know that you aren't tired or have a headache or ate something that disagrees with you. He will know that you simply do not find him attractive. He will know it isn't something he did that day to upset you, in the hope that if he behaves better tomorrow you might feel differently. He will know that it is not temporary and likely there is little he can do to change the outcome.

I do sympathize with your predicament. No fun to do what is necessary in your situation. But very clear what that is. No kids. Tell him the truth. Split up. Then both of you can have kids with someone you find attractive who returns your desire. Good luck.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

What?

You want to get divorced because you don't find your husband handsome?

That's a first for me.

The only reason I can think why that would matter would be because of sexual attraction. So perhaps that's what you mean? You don't find your husband sexually attractive to you?

If you mean he simply isn't attractive to you in some non sexual way and that's enough to get a divorce over, I guess I just don't understand.

Good luck.


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## Enchained (May 31, 2017)

Yes, I am not sexually attracted to him


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sexual attraction is a vital part of marriage, for sure.

Physical appearance is often only a small part of it. A person can be very sexually attractive if they have a specific style, for instance. Often women, my wife for instance, want a specific type of man with a very specific type of personality. That can be tough to instill in a man if he doesn't already have it.

The question which comes to mind is have you spoken with your husband about this issue? Have you told him you would like him to be different in some specific way?

We could go on to ask you in what specific ways he is lacking, but the best thing for you to do is, of course, to tell your husband, and get him on board with adopting the changes you need.

As a talking point, I will add it does seem the issue I seem to see most often brought up is women find their men to be too passive.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Enchained said:


> I have known my husband for 6 years and last year we got married. He is the sweetest guy and has an amazing heart. As the days go by i realize that I am not than attracted to him and have never been. To be more specific I do not find him handsome but I know that he is a good guy and this is why I married him. I come from a deeply Christian family and they had all urged me to marry him because they felt that he was such a good person and we had already been living together. ( iI think that they feared for my reputation that people might talk if they knew were lived together but decided not to get married). I thought that things would change after marriage, that I would start to feel attracted to him when we settle down; sadly this is not the case and I feel trapped. We do not have kids yet and I think that, if we are to get separated, we should do it now before it gets more complicated. I just apprehend how people will judge me and think that I am crazy to have gotten married and wanting to get separated so quickly.


Why don't you find him to be handsome? Is he overweight? Does he have a wacky hairstyle? Is he not manly?

What kind of attributes turn you on? Is there a reason your husband can't attain those attributes?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you are unhappy, you have a right to divorce - but be sure you don't push for anything unreasonable in the settlement. It sounds like this isn't his fault - nor is it really yours.

If you cannot find him attractive, he will likely be happier with someone else as well.


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## Enchained (May 31, 2017)

Thank you WilliamM for the insight. I agree that having a specific personslity and style can make a person attractive. However, isn't physical appearance a rather big part of it too? A person can have the best personality and self-confidence but if they are physically unattractive, they will have a hard time finding a partner. 

In my case, I have chosen to carry on with marriage even though I were not physically attracted to him. I thought that his personality would compensate for it and that I would feel contented. However, sadly much the opposite is happening and I feel that I have done a terrible mistake. I feel that it would be such a crime if I were to leave him; he is such a good person and so many people would hate me for that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It's very difficult to say.

There is beauty and the beast. The beast is not attractive.

Some women cannot find a bald man attractive, no matter how well his personality may hit all her desires.

Some women may feel that way about a short guy, or a guy who stoops, or a guy who is old. Habits often cause problems.

Are the things you find unattractive about your husband things he cannot change?

I am bald, and my wife finds that unattractive. But I sat her down many years ago and had her watch a show on hair transplants. I took up shaving my head, and she has never mentioned it since then. I do hit all her other buttons, so I keep her happy.

As mentioned by others, you really shouldn't worry much about what others will think. Your happiness does matter.


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## Enchained (May 31, 2017)

Why don't you find him to be handsome? Is he overweight? Does he have a wacky hairstyle? Is he not manly?

What kind of attributes turn you on? Is there a reason your husband can't attain those attributes?

It is more complicated than that since it is his facial attributes that I am not attracted to and this is impossible to change except for plastic surgery, which would be an unfair thing for him to do.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Have you seen the play "Cyrano de Bergerac"? I saw it in San Francisco once.

But you should not stay in a marriage in which you cannot find sexual satisfaction. No matter who you disappoint by divorcing your husband.

If you speak with him, you may find he is relieved when you bring it up because he is struggling to discover what the problem is, but fears to ask you. Many marriages struggle along for years because both people in the marriage fear to speak up.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes I dated a very sweet guy!! He was successful too--and just too kind! He was a friend of the family and I tried to get into him but just couldn't. I felt bad because he had beautiful blue eyes BUT there were no sparks and I needed more! So I had to move on. He did find another woman and eventually married her. Very happy for them both.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

*Re: have NEVER been attracted to husband*



Enchained said:


> I have known my husband for 6 years and last year we got married. He is the sweetest guy and has an amazing heart. As the days go by i realize that I am not than attracted to him and have never been. To be more specific I do not find him handsome but I know that he is a good guy and this is why I married him. I come from a deeply Christian family and they had all urged me to marry him because they felt that he was such a good person and we had already been living together. ( iI think that they feared for my reputation that people might talk if they knew were lived together but decided not to get married). I thought that things would change after marriage, that I would start to feel attracted to him when we settle down; sadly this is not the case and I feel trapped. We do not have kids yet and I think that, if we are to get separated, we should do it now before it gets more complicated. I just apprehend how people will judge me and think that I am crazy to have gotten married and wanting to get separated so quickly.


As an ex-husband of a wife who was not attracted to me - I suggest you do what needs to be done, without hesitation. You already know you're not attracted to him, and that's all you really need to know, TBH.

I can tell you, too, that my ex wife likely held on FAR longer than she should have, for fear of being judged, as well. She wasted her own time because of that, and that's her problem. But she also wasted MY time - which is literally the only thing I resent her for, and likely always will. I can not get that time back.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I think that people who want to judge will judge, but try not to let it bother you. Like you, I'm not at all attracted to my husband, physically or mentally, and am planning a trial separation. For more reasons than that, mind you, but it's really hard to be into someone that you aren't attracted to.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you aren't attracted to him and never have been then you are doing neither yourself nor him any favors by being married to him. 

However, let's take a moment and think about your future. No matter who you are with...after a couple kids and another decade don't expect your physical beauty to be anywhere near what it is today. So hopefully at that time you are with a partner that values you for more than just your physical looks and doesn't want to divorce you because they don't find you attractive anymore.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Enchained,

This may become even more of an issue when you get older and your libido dips, but your H may already notice that you are not into him as much as he is into you. 

It often shows up first when kissing stops being passionate, men pick up on small changes in sexual behavior.

Tamat


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Attraction is an odd elusive thing that cannot be whittled down to specifics. You cannot control who you are or are not attracted to. Sometimes we are crazy attracted from the moment we set eyes on someone. Other times we can find ourselves attracted to someone we were not initially, once we get to know them. It certainly isnt something that can be forced. I feel terrible for both you and your husband. You cannot win here no matter what you do about your situation. Personally I feel you should end the marriage that you never should have entered into in the first place. Give your husband a chance to find someone who is crazy about him. 

Take this as a life lesson, do not let anyone else tell you what to do with your life from now on.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

If he is as kind as you say, let him go without taking him to the cleaners. Men can sense lack of passion. It's a awful place to be. It will hurt him, but save him a life of frustration being married to a cold fish.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you REALLY need is to spend 2 or 3 years away from your church.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: I have NEVER been attracted to husband*

@Enchained

If this is how you feel, it's better that you divorce him now--before you have children.

So you have never been attracted to him? Or has your attraction to him grown to be less and less over time?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Enchained said:


> I feel that it would be such a crime if I were to leave him; he is such a good person and so many people would hate me for that.


You have it exactly backwards.

The crime would be staying with him. People will hate you for hiding the truth and robbing him of years of his life. They will hate you for not being a loving and caring wife toward him.

You aren't being loving and caring by staying with him if you do not find him attractive. You are being selfish and cruel. You are taking advantage of his good heart and caring soul. And maybe of his generosity and earning potential. Stop being a selfish user. Set him free.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

*Re: I have NEVER been attracted to husband*

Maybe you should dump him and let your family pick out your next husband?

The question is not what you ask in this post but how you make decisions in life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn't matter how many people you feel may "hate" you if you divorce him -- it's not their life to live and not their comcern. 

If you really aren't attracted to him -- and feel the situation's hopeless -- then let him go before there are children to complicate things.


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## alecia021 (Jun 2, 2017)

*Re: I have NEVER been attracted to husband*

@Enchained

I'm in the same situation as you are, except we have kids. My husband is almost the perfect guy I love him but I'm not in love with him, nor am I sexually attracted to him. 

The difference is that I have been completely honest with him about how I feel about him 8 years ago (before we got married or had kids) I just felt as though I would regret leaving him because he is so good to me, treats me like a queen, and have all the other qualities I desire in this man except for sexual attraction.

We dated for 5 years and had kids before we got married, which complicated things and I felt it was best to get married hoping that it would get better.

He has tried everything to improve our sex life but nothing is working and now 8 years later he's still trying and nothing seems to make me sexually attracted or fall in love with him. 

I cringe when he kisses me, we rarely have sex (about twice every 3 months, sometimes longer) and when we do try to have sex I just feel yucky, so I have to get drunk just to have sex with him. I'm still wondering how we even managed to have kids. 

I do not want our children raised in a broken home so I'm lost and don't know what to do!

Get out now before you end up like me!

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Divorce him, you marred him under false pretenses. Unless you specifically told him, I am sure he was under the impression that you DID find him attractive as this is pretty much the western norm. Don't make it worse by holding onto this lie that you have perpetrated for years.


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## lisacolorado (May 2, 2017)

*Re: I have NEVER been attracted to husband*



Enchained said:


> I have known my husband for 6 years and last year we got married. He is the sweetest guy and has an amazing heart. As the days go by i realize that I am not than attracted to him and have never been. ... I thought that things would change after marriage, that I would start to feel attracted to him when we settle down; sadly this is not the case and I feel trapped. We do not have kids yet and I think that, if we are to get separated, we should do it now before it gets more complicated.


You are right. I've been married for 28 years. It's not going to happen, and you have gotten yourself in a trap, and I wish I'd listened to my heart. The fear and pain are much less at this stage, so please, live your life, in the direction you feel you should go. It's not loving to stay. It's more loving to let him go.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> You have it exactly backwards.
> 
> The crime would be staying with him. People will hate you for hiding the truth and robbing him of years of his life. They will hate you for not being a loving and caring wife toward him.
> 
> You aren't being loving and caring by staying with him if you do not find him attractive. * You are being selfish and cruel.* You are taking advantage of his good heart and caring soul. And maybe of his generosity and earning potential. Stop being a selfish user. Set him free.


Poor guy could spend the rest of his life workin his azz off trying to have passion with his wife, and never have it.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

@Enchained - Please send your husband to this site. When you tell him, he's going to feel like someone thrust their hand up thru his stomach & ripped his heart out of his chest. He will need some support, and have questions of "What did I do wrong?"

People here can help him get back on his feet.

AND, hopefully help him see that it's better to not be married to someone that doesn't feel anything for you.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

@Enchained - Please send your husband to this site. When you tell him, he's going to feel like someone thrust their hand up thru his stomach & ripped his heart out of his chest. He will need some support, and have questions of "What did I do wrong?"

People here can help him get back on his feet.

AND, hopefully help him see that it's better to not be married to someone that doesn't feel anything for you.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

*Re: I have NEVER been attracted to husband*

Yes your husband will be hurt. That is going to be on your shoulders. If you aren't attracted to him let him go. I agree with others, don't take him to the cleaners. You shouldn't have married him in the first place..... your cross to bear


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> If you aren't attracted to him and never have been then you are doing neither yourself nor him any favors by being married to him.
> 
> However, let's take a moment and think about your future. No matter who you are with...after a couple kids and another decade don't expect your physical beauty to be anywhere near what it is today. So hopefully at that time you are with a partner that values you for more than just your physical looks and doesn't want to divorce you because they don't find you attractive anymore.


I'm fairness to the OP, she did say she had never found him attractive. So this isn't a case of attraction that has faded due to life.

OTOH, I am somewhat amazed by the number of women who also feel the same way. I am not judging any of them, but once again it makes me realize that however my ex may have felt about me (which I do think was a case of attraction that faded due to life, however I may never know since she never told me) there is still always going to be others who will be attracted to me, for whatever reason. 

When I first got divorced I came to believe my appearance had been a part of it. I now realize that for the most part my looks are all I have to offer some women and I am finding that many are more than pleased with them. I am not stating that in a bragging sense but more in the I-don't-really-feel -I-offer-much else. In a way it is flattering, but also embarrassing.

I think the OP needs to have this discussion with her H.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's important to remember that women, throughout history, had no power, no money, no access to anything. Until about 50 years ago. Even 100 years ago, women in America had to strike just to get the right to VOTE! Let alone own property, run a business, gather wealth. It's only been in my lifetime that women were 'allowed' to be CEOs or own major companies. 

I've been reading the Robert Parker Spenser book series, which mainly takes place in the '70s and '80s. It flabbergasts me just how much of an issue it was to get ahead in a job for women back then. Nearly every book in the series covered this in some part, because it was such a burgeoning issue at that time. In the one I just finished, a female reporter just ended up killed, but she was willing to risk it because it was SO HARD for a female to be taken seriously as a journalist. Even in the '80s.

I was 20 in 1978. Even that recently, if a woman wasn't married by 21, she was considered unmarriageable. There must be something wrong with her. 

So, yes, many women did, and continue to, marry for the security. There's a reason why 'security' is still one of most women's top three Emotional Needs.

It will take decades for this 'need' to go away as a top need for women.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> So, yes, many women did, and continue to, marry for the security. There's a reason why 'security' is still one of most women's top three Emotional Needs.
> 
> It will take decades for this 'need' to go away as a top need for women.


Fine. I do not disagree. If a woman wants to marry for financial security rather than work to attain it for herself that is her choice and her prerogative.

But in my view, if a woman marries for financial security then she is pretty much obliged to have sex whenever her husband asks for it. If she wants the "old school" deal of marrying for money then she needs to provide the old school deal of providing sex "on demand". I do not begrudge a woman making that "deal" for herself.

What does get me upset is a woman marrying for money and then saying "I don't find him attractive so we don't have much sex". If a woman wants the modern right to say "no" whenever she wants (which I am totally in favor of - I certainly don't want anyone having sex with my daughter or anyone else's without consent), then she needs take on the modern responsibility to provide for her own financial security. She shouldn't get to pick and choose which basket of rights and responsibilities she wants. At the very least, if she is going to say "no" quite often then she needs to be honest about her reasons for doing so. Not mislead her husband.

Nothing wrong with marrying "for money". I have told my children not to feel any shame in doing so. What is wrong is lying to your spouse about why you married them and how you feel about them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you know very well that assumption doesn't work in cases of abuse. 

But barring that, I'd be willing to bet that maybe 1% of couples talk these things out before actually tying the knot. Most people never realize they should agree on such things. 

And don't forget that we're talking about unspoken, unrealized assumptions that people carry with them through life. When you're dating and everything's bubblegum and unicorns, who stops to think what life will be like when you're holding your partner's hair back over a toilet or dealing with a newly obese spouse? When you're hot and heavy for each other, you just assume you always will be. Hardly anybody bothers to educate themselves on the psychology behind relationships, how things slide, how the PEA chemicals fade away, and so on.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@turnera: Yes, that works fine if the woman found her H attractive before marriage and the attraction faded slowly during the marriage.

But you argued that women have for centuries needed to rely on men for support and so they should be excused for marrying for security since being self-supporting is a recent advance for women. I took you to mean that it is OK for women to marry men for financial security even if the woman knows before marriage that she does not find her fiance physically / sexually attractive and even if she does not share this truth with him before the wedding. Some men might feel it is always and everywhere a wrong and bad thing for a woman to do. I tend to agree with you that many women are willing to make the "trade" of sex for financial security and I don't fault them for making that "trade". Well, not unless they stop providing sex but continue to expect their husband to support them financially. To me, this is defaulting on the deal they made. Sorta like selling your soul to the devil and then complaining when the devil shows up to collect payment. Yes, it stinks to be asked to live up to your obligations. But it also stinks to be on the side who lets the tenant live in their home for a while and then is told "wait, you actually expect me to pay the rent?"


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## Enchained (May 31, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> @turnera: Yes, that works fine if the woman found her H attractive before marriage and the attraction faded slowly during the marriage.
> 
> But you argued that women have for centuries needed to rely on men for support and so they should be excused for marrying for security since being self-supporting is a recent advance for women. I took you to mean that it is OK for women to marry men for financial security even if the woman knows before marriage that she does not find her fiance physically / sexually attractive and even if she does not share this truth with him before the wedding. Some men might feel it is always and everywhere a wrong and bad thing for a woman to do. I tend to agree with you that many women are willing to make the "trade" of sex for financial security and I don't fault them for making that "trade". Well, not unless they stop providing sex but continue to expect their husband to support them financially. To me, this is defaulting on the deal they made. Sorta like selling your soul to the devil and then complaining when the devil shows up to collect payment. Yes, it stinks to be asked to live up to your obligations. But it also stinks to be on the side who lets the tenant live in their home for a while and then is told "wait, you actually expect me to pay the rent?"


In my case, it is not a question of security. For one thing, I make more money than my husband and my family is more generous to you than hus family. Therefore financialwise, he has more to gain being with me, than me being with him. As I mentioned beforehand, I married him because I felt that he was a good guy. Many of the wonen in my family (mother, grandmother, aunt) have been telling me that they were not attracted to their husband in the beginning and that with time, they eventually. became attracted. What complicates thing even more is my catholic upbringing which insists that appearance is deceptive and that what counts is the inside. Following all these guidelines, I felt that the right thing to do was to marry my husband... However, now I have seen that no, attraction does not seem to come with time and if I were to divorce him, my famiky woukd hate me because tgey all stuck through marriage even though they were not attracted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Holdingontoit said:


> @turnera: Yes, that works fine if the woman found her H attractive before marriage and the attraction faded slowly during the marriage.
> 
> But you argued that women have for centuries needed to rely on men for support and so they should be excused for marrying for security since being self-supporting is a recent advance for women. I took you to mean that it is OK for women to marry men for financial security even if the woman knows before marriage that she does not find her fiance physically / sexually attractive and even if she does not share this truth with him before the wedding. Some men might feel it is always and everywhere a wrong and bad thing for a woman to do. I tend to agree with you that many women are willing to make the "trade" of sex for financial security and I don't fault them for making that "trade". Well, not unless they stop providing sex but continue to expect their husband to support them financially. To me, this is defaulting on the deal they made. Sorta like selling your soul to the devil and then complaining when the devil shows up to collect payment. Yes, it stinks to be asked to live up to your obligations. But it also stinks to be on the side who lets the tenant live in their home for a while and then is told "wait, you actually expect me to pay the rent?"


I never said they should be excused. I said we (people in general) would do well to RECOGNIZE the fact that it happens. Big difference.

One can rant and rail all they want about getting a bum deal in their marriage, but it doesn't change the fact that people do what people do. Security is such an ingrown, unaware need in women, back to caveman days, that it permeates everything we do. In a million ways. Doesn't make a woman a gold-digger just because she's been raised (by parents, society, subconscious) to marry a banker instead of a mechanic. 

Very few women, in America at least, marry strictly for money nowadays because most women DO plan on having a job of some sort. But there are still holdbacks, whose intent is to be a SAHM, and I'm pretty sure hardly ANY of those women would continue to date a guy if he didn't at least have a steady, decent job. AT the same time, even those women wouldn't date a guy they're not attracted to. Unless you're Anna Nichole or something.

I said that, if you're lucky, you two (any couple) will have real, honest, open conversations about such things and go into a marriage as best friends so that when the desire inevitably wanes, as it does with nearly all couples, you can have a real conversation about it and DO something about it - date more, turn off the tv, play board games, have fun, keep the spark alive.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm starting to see here why I can't understand women. We don't share any thought patterns.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm starting to see here why I can't understand women. We don't share any thought patterns.


Yeah, I keep telling people that.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> But there are still holdbacks, whose intent is to be a SAHM, and I'm pretty sure hardly ANY of those women would continue to date a guy if he didn't at least have a steady, decent job. AT the same time, even those women wouldn't date a guy they're not attracted to.


I agree with everything you said except that last part.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Enchained said:


> However, now I have seen that no, attraction does not seem to come with time and if I were to divorce him, my family would hate me because they all stuck through marriage even though they were not attracted.


Tell your family to take a long walk off a very short pier.

Not your problem what they did. You have to live your life. You have to follow your values.

You are torturing and depriving and lying to your husband. Is that who you want to be? If not, your family's opinion or reaction are as nothing in comparison. If they ask you why you divorced him, tell them it was the right thing to do. If they say that staying married would be better, tell them that every day you were together you plunged another dagger into your husband's heart, and ask them if that is better than divorce. If they say it is, then tell them that their values are yours are so far apart that their is no point discussing your decision.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very familiar with the "I lived my life this way so you should too" way of thinking. 

Don't.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Enchained said:


> Thank you WilliamM for the insight. I agree that having a specific personslity and style can make a person attractive. However, isn't physical appearance a rather big part of it too? A person can have the best personality and self-confidence but if they are physically unattractive, they will have a hard time finding a partner.
> 
> In my case, I have chosen to carry on with marriage even though I were not physically attracted to him. I thought that his personality would compensate for it and that I would feel contented. However, sadly much the opposite is happening and I feel that I have done a terrible mistake. I feel that it would be such a crime if I were to leave him; he is such a good person and so many people would hate me for that.


do you know anybody thats divorced?
do you hate any of them?

oh well it didn't work out is all you need to say. It happens. Everybody know it.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Op,

I understand than you feel a loss of attraction to your DH. That can be maddening. How are you feeling otherwise? Have you experienced a decrease in overall desire? Are you taking any medications?

Google 'helen fisher love ssri' when you have a chance. This happened to a relative whose husband just one day fell out love with her. Doc adjusted DH's meds and ten years later they are still together... 

Best of luck!!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

xMadame said:


> Do what is right for you. People will always judge. Do not let others that judge stand in your way of happiness.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ditto. It is your life, not their's. Also, your husband deserves you to be honest with him. You say he is a good man, so do right by him.

Can you identify what you need in order to feel attraction to him?


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