# Infedility or sexual liberation: cybering and porn in a relationship?



## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

I just want to get your views really. 

After discovering that my husband had been, without my knowledge, cybering and accessing porn for some years, our relationship went/is going through a very rocky patch. Trust is still in an issue for good reason.

My standpoint is that my husband was unfaithful, and his indiscretions left me feeling very hurt and betrayed. His standpoint is that it was just a forum for sexual release, and it was all fantasy. Here is where the problem lies.

Do you think that partners do this because they are unhappy, sexually, with their partners, is it normal, or is it wrong? :scratchhead:

I would be very interested to hear your views and experiences.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

wow, sounds like a thesis title! 

nevertheless, there is another topic here regarding porn. there are so many reasons why both men and women surf porn. but for your case, maybe u can enlighten us on why u think he is unfaithful towards u by watching porn? is it because he fantasize about other women in porn? or is it because u feel intimidated by how they do it in porn?


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

malmale, i'll take your first comment as a compliment ;-)

I didn't want to get in to all the details on this post, as have already posted elsewhere. It wasn't the porn that got to me, it was the cybering with cam that left me feeling betrayed. Men and women all have fantasies, I consider this to be healthy. My husband and I have watched porn together, and whilst it can be arousing a lot of the time I watch in awe as wow, they can be good! Perhaps, a part of me feels a little threatened by the thought that my husband wasn't satisfied with what he has at home that he had to have virtual sex with ow.

In regard to your question about my husband being unfaithful, I say this only because he kept it a secret, and for a very long time.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Cybering and porn are two very different things in my opinion. 

Porn, in the traditional sense of a magazine or website that has pictures or movies, is not an issue, for me anyway. It's a way to assist a guy in taking care of himself when his partner is unwilling (or a woman, if that's the case!). If my boyfriend looks at porn, I don't really mind. He's an otr truck driver, and when he's gone, I'm not there to do anything for him, so looking at porn would be ok. Luckily, he'd rather have pics of me. 

Cybering, however, is not porn. That's actual involvement with another real person, even if it is only over an internet connection. It's talking (even if it is by typing) about sex, seeing each other (through the webcam), and to me, that makes it cheating. If I found out he was doing that, we'd have issues. 

While I understand that porn stars do exist outside the movies, and are real people, the fact is it's so unlikely that an average joe would meet one that they're not a threat. Cybering is done with a very real person, who could even be in the same town, maybe even the same neighborhood. It makes the likelihood of a face to face meeting much greater. So, even if the cybering itself weren't cheating, it would make the chances of cheating higher, which would cause me to have a problem with it. 

Sexual liberation has nothing to do with other people really. Sexual liberation is being comfortable in your own body, being comfortable with your partner. It's being able to explore things and step outside a comfort zone to try new things with your partner. If you can't do that, looking at porn or cybering with someone else isn't going to liberate you. To be sexually liberated, you have to be willing to let go of insecurities and fears and be yourself.


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

atruckersgirl, your response has been very helpful. Thank you. I share your views, and its reassuring to hear that my views are not unreasonable.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

A Trucker Girl's posts are always pretty spot on. She knocked this one out of the park. 
Liberation, as she said, is about feeling good about your body, your sexuality and your sexual freedom. Having cyber sex with someone else does the opposite of that. It makes you feel less than, not good enough and betrayed. You are not wrong to have the feelings that you do. Everybody has different feelings about things but if it's an issue for you, then it's an issue for your relationship.


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## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

I'm going to be the odd ball here...

Porn in the past has made me feel very inadequate in the bedroom. I'm not going to let my husband tie me up and stick objects in every hole on my body. Nor am I going to have a **** in my mouth one in my ***** and one in my ass at the same time, and while I enjoy giving oral...my anus is an exit only.

Half the s-t they do on pornos I would never do sorry. Have I watched it before...yes...have I made some before (homemade) yes. Am I a little older but a lot wiser (speaking for myself here not everyone else) yes. 

I think the real idea like truckers girl was stating is if he started having an emotional relationship with someone else and their main choice of conversation was if he was HARD and what she was wearing. I would blow a f-king head gasket...and not the good way.

At one point in time my husband started receiving naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend, after we were married. Do I consider this cheating...no...do I consider that wrong, and that it needs to stop NOW, yes of course. Do I give a darn if they will ever be able to see each other again, no. Just the fact that he would rather have the pictures of someone he used to love in his mind instead of his current and faitful wife...now that is a reason to get pissed off. 
Do I give a darn if he watches porn, no...
If I come home and he's watching it in the living room with his pants down while our son is napping next to him on the couch, or maybe even awake. YES...you expose my children to that kind of s-t I'm going to cuss you the f-k out put our kids in my car and drive to the nearest lawyers office. They will learn about that when it's time...no one will teach them that, thank you. He's a big boy and I'm not his momma, he can do whatever he wants. Except cheat, that entitles me to leave also.

But there's different levels of porn...if I catch you looking at child porn in my home...I'm turning your ass in.


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## BlazinD (Oct 15, 2010)

I think we can all agree that watching porn is no big deal. 

Cybering with another person (M/F) while it's not cheating is certainly wrong. And I am an very open-minded. There really isn't a good excuse why you would do that...it's almost cheating but not quite but wrong nonetheless...I look at it like marijuana: Cybering is the "gateway-drug" to cheating.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Yeah I would agree with you guys. I would consider cybering cheating because its a 1 on 1 interaction with another person. Even though its only text, there is a person behind that text and there is communication between both parties. Porn I have no problem with because its not 1 on 1, there is no interaction or communication between the watcher and the actor and its kinda impersonal. Hard to describe but thats how I see it.


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

It seems that there is some consensus amongst us that whilst porn can be acceptable and healthy in a relationship, cybering mostly is'nt.

Cybering, unlike porn, is interactive, so I stand by my view that it is infedility of some description. The chances of you developing a relationship with a porn star you watched in a movie are slim, the chances with someone you have cyber sex with are much higher. Like you and I, these people are real, they are our friends and neigbours.

Since coming on this site I have learnt of 2 types of infedility, PA and EA. Whilst I know what they mean, how do you distinguish between them. By cybering for 6 years and have a few favourite contacts, was my husband having an emotional affair because he allegedly never met them in the flesh, or was it a physical affair because they both 'did it', so to speak? Can someone please help me to understand the differences? Thank you.


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