# Real trust issues and suspicions!



## Moderlydie (Jun 15, 2012)

Hey, 
I'm new here.
I'm trying to think of a way to keep this short and sweet but there's so much to say. Maybe a list will help?
Hubby and I been together for 15yrs married 9 this year.
I suffer from longterm deprression and boderline personality disorder.
2 years ago i found out he had an affair with his boss, he had already stopped it but she was giving him grief (and sometimes violent).
In the months before she befriended me and moved to our town.
We became friends through the church.
We immediately vowed to make our marriage work.
We had 2 kids under 5.
I couldn't cope with day to day suspicions and trust issues, my illness got worse.
Last year I tried to end my life 3 times, the 3rd time i ended up in hospital which was a turning point and i refused to be that person anymore, I started getting well and being happy.
Oct last year husband asked me to leave as he wanted a seperation he didn't love me anymore and he didn't think i was well enough to look after kids.
Within 2 weeks I had a flat and found the strength to live on my own and eventually look after the kids on my own.
I am a different person now and I know why the seperation had to happen, it gave me my life back.
My husband and I have grown closer and in the last 4 months, fallen in love again. (I didn't stop)
We have decided to continue being husband and wife, but having a new relationship, not starting where we left off.
He is receiving induvidual counselling and agreed to relationship counselling.
We are not rushing this...........not putting a time limit on it. We want to make it right. (plus i love my flat too much to leave yet)
BUT....
'She' lives in our town. And down the road to him.
He still works with her, same 2 desk office and studio (specialist recording production so hardly any jobs out there to move to).

My problem is; I'm trying so hard to get over this. I have put it in the past, i have no more questions about it. I have forgiven him but I don't think I've forgiven her. I'm very bitter.
I still suspect and have major trust issues, no matter what he says to relieve my fears. He's really trying. I've told him I need transparency but he sometimes forgets.
I saw her in town today (she didn't me) and i nearly fainted. With rage, bitterness, jealousy??? 

There's so much more to say but I feel i'm rabbiting somewhat.
I do hope at least one person reads this and may be able to give me some advice? Though I'm not sure what I'm asking.:scratchhead: 
I just don't want to mess this up again because of my mistrust and suspicion.

Sorry


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Same 2 desk office?

Nope. You'll get lots of good advice here. I tend to lean toward the "trust" side of the spectrum, so when I say OH NO WAY, it means something.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He`s simply got to find another job.

There is no other advice.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

You need to read much in the coping with infidelity section of this forum and the only way your marriage can heal, and you can trust is with NO CONTACT with the affair partner, which is his old boss, which means he HAS to find a new job... PERIOD>


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Take. Your. Time.

You will gets lots of advice that you can't R if your H works with the OW. Being mad at her will not serve you in any way. You need to take care of yourself. But it seems like you have done that and are on your own.

This is a really, really tough spot to be in, emotionally.

Are your kids with you?


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## Moderlydie (Jun 15, 2012)

Wow, what a quick response, thankyou all.
A new job is something we persued when this all came out 18 months ago and because it's so specialist, there's nothing out there (still....I'm still keeping an eye out)
The job is for the church and he feels it is his calling, I do too. I'd hate him to leave a job which seems literally handcrafted for him.
She though, is only the studio manager which can be done by anyone. I feel bad for trying to thing of ways to drive her out of her job, but that isn't very christian an is born from my anger toward her.
We share the kids 50/50 but due to his working hours i end up doing about 70%. This is an issue we are addressing as his commitment to his job was a sticking point in out marriage anyway ('Her' aside)

I read today about admitting my anger to God. Which I have.

I am not an overly happy clappy christian. Infact I think I'm boderline Bhuddist and Hippy. Maybe I should just say I'm spiritual. Whatever, my spirituality has returned me to who I used to be (with a few positive additions) and helped me live through the last 8 months.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You focus on the Christian background, so pull up all of the videos on MarriageToday.com.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, she had an affair with a married subordinate?

Well, that happens.

However the boss using their power over their subordinate is totally out of order and she should be reported for what she has done. 

Did she befriend you to either allay your suspicions or as part of a nasty controlling thing? If so, that's also wrong of her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Moderlydie said:


> The job is for the church and he feels it is his calling,


 I call bull. Where was his calling when he cheated with the other woman (OM) at this job for the church? You are being manipulated into feeling guilty for having the common sense not to let him be in a position to continue with the affair. Every anti-affair book on the planet will tell you that the two of them cannot work together anymore. Once the line has been crossed between two people, it cannot be uncrossed. They will always know what it feels like to have sex with the other one and they will want it again. They have already proven that they cannot be trusted together, so you have good reason to not trust them.

It was very Christan and forgiving of you to even give him another chance in the marriage. Many would not have done the same. Him even having the nerve to ask you to let him continue working with and being friends with his affair partner (AP) is insanely cruel of him. It shows that he does not care to understand just how wrong and hurtful he was to you when he cheated. He has shifted it all on you to deal with it as he asks you to let him rug sweep. 

The work arrangement that he is asking you to accept would drive almost any normal person insane. How will the mind movies of her and him together ever go away when they are still together? He must leave that job or you must leave him. If you do not, your marraige will probably end anyway, you will just suffer a lot more pain before it is over.


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