# Wife kissed coworker. Cheating?



## The Wonderer

My wife recently told me that over 40 years ago during a lunch break at work she went with a short ride with a married coworker in his car and they talked and then he kissed her on the lips (not a French kiss) and she let him do it. She told me it was because she felt lonely due to my job keeping me away from home a lot. She insists nothing happened beyond the one kiss and they went back to work after that and she never has done anything like that again. She also says the guy was hefty and not good looking and had a fat face. She also said she had previously told him about being lonely due to my absences and he had been a sympathetic listener. I asked her why she waited so long to tell me and she said she was afraid I would leave her if she had told me. I believe she has been true to me since then because I have asked her to come clean about any other relationships with men and she denies any further incidents or attractions during our 40+ years of marriage and we have 3 grown kids. I have forgiven her but I can't forget about it. Was she cheating when they kissed or not??


----------



## Hope1964

What do YOU think??

BTW, 'kissing' is cheatspeak for 'had sex'.


----------



## LostViking

Tell her to quit the job and stay away from the other guy or she can pack her bags. 

Do not let this turn into an affair. If she let him kiss her she has already opened herself up to the possibility of sex. Or, she has already slept with him and is trying to gaslight you. 

You posted to the wrong section. Go over to Coping with Infidelity and start a thread there. You will get lots of advice.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

LostViking said:


> Tell her to quit the job and stay away from the other guy or she can pack her bags.
> 
> Do not let this turn into an affair. If she let him kiss her she has already opened herself up to the possibility of sex. Or, she has already slept with him and is trying to gaslight you.
> 
> You posted to the wrong section. Go over to Coping with Infidelity and start a thread there. You will get lots of advice.


Dude, this happened over 40 years ago.


----------



## Zookeepertomany

Whether or not that kiss is cheating is entirely up to you and your definition of infidelity. It does not matter what I or anyone else thinks, what do you think, what are your boundaries?


----------



## norajane

> I asked her why she waited so long to tell me and she said she was afraid I would leave her if she had told me.


But why would she bring it up now, in particular? Why tell you at all? How is your relationship these days?


----------



## Kobo

Just a kiss huh? Doubtful.


----------



## Fozzy

There's cheating, and then there's CHEATING.

Depending on what the rest of my relationship was like, I'd try to get past it.


----------



## ForBetter

I hope you won't allow that kiss, so many years ago, to undermine what you have built together these past 40 years.

Call it a "closed book."


----------



## unbelievable

She gave a guy a kiss. She gave you 40 years of her life. You win. Move on.


----------



## tom67

Frankly if it was just a kiss, why is she bringing it up now! I find this a little selfish of her.


----------



## barbados

Why bring this up now after 40 years ?


----------



## Mavash.

What does it matter? It was FORTY YEARS AGO?

Although this does make me wonder is there a statute of limitations on infidelity? After so many years of faithfulness is there an automatic redemption? Does it depend on WHAT was done?

But dang....40 years? Why on earth would she bring this up NOW?


----------



## Thundarr

If she truly never did more and never did anything like that again then that was her baggage and her guilt to carry. It's screwwed up that she told you after all of these years. I would be resentful that she felt like she could unload the truth and put the burden on you. You'll probably have a feeling of those years being a little bit fake because they were years with the secret. It was cowardly to hide the truth those years ago but it was even more cowardly to confess now that she thinks it's too late for you to start over. Her choices in this have been completely driven by fear and not character.

But we are human so I hope you can come to grips with the real issue and can rise above it. It was weakness that caused her lie and the same weakness that later caused her to confess. But forty years is a long time and there has to be a lot of great memories. Make no mistake though, you've been betrayed three times. 1. the act. 2. the lie. 3. the eventual confession.


----------



## thatbpguy

The fact she brings it up now says something. 

Just what I am not sure. 

But it is so odd that my first impression is that she is gauging your reaction before telling you something else- if she dares to.


----------



## tom67

thatbpguy said:


> The fact she brings it up now says something.
> 
> Just what I am not sure.
> 
> But it is so odd that my first impression is that she is gauging your reaction before telling you something else- if she dares to.


Tell her if that's it then why not go for a polygraph-then see the look on her face.


----------



## Thundarr

thatbpguy said:


> The fact she brings it up now says something.
> 
> Just what I am not sure.
> 
> But it is so odd that my first impression is that she is gauging your reaction before telling you something else- if she dares to.


Maybe. My happy theory is this:

She's felt tremendous guilt for all of these years and she's made herself believe that you deserve the truth. Maybe that she can confess and you will understand and you guys will get past it. I just disagree with her. I think once she decided to keep it secret then it's secret forever and she bears to burden forever. That's her price for choosing secret. Of course she kept it from you out of fear of losing you but none the less it's still her burden.

It sounds like I'm saying she should PAYYYYY. That's not it. The thing is if she chose to take away your options for all of these years then her consequence is that she carries the guilt but now she's trying to take a short cut. So what I'm really saying is that you should not have to pay but now you are and that's messed up.

I can say with little doubt that if I was in your shoes that I would think less of my wife regardless of the outcome. Maybe I'd chalk it up to her being human and not knowing what to do and maybe I wouldn't but either way my opinion of her character would be damaged some.


----------



## unbelievable

Who knows why women say the things they say? What counts is what she has been doing for the past 40 years. That says all that needs saying.


----------



## LostViking

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Dude, this happened over 40 years ago.


Oh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I would have more respect for a partner for coming clean QUICKLY... because that shows their conscience ate at them, and they couldn't live with themselves, had to bare it all to their spouse and find forgiveness...and acceptance again. I don't understand the 40 yrs thing..can't comprehend how anyone could hold something in that long..

My record is 3 days...of something I hid from my husband...When I told him, he really didn't even get upset with me....and pretty much laughed about it.. can't beat that ! But it was still "a crossing of a line" for me... 

I don't believe any of us are perfect... we can and do some stupid things in a moment.. .lonely moments.. questioning times can be the worst. 

Ask her WHY NOW - how has this affected her emotionally over the years... how many times did she want to tell ...or came close to spilling ...but couldn't / didn't. I don't know how I would feel... I would be more angry over the TIME FRAME/ the hiding (what that represented) ...over the deed itself .


----------



## JCD

Thundarr said:


> Maybe. My happy theory is this:
> 
> She's felt tremendous guilt for all of these years and she's made herself believe that you deserve the truth. Maybe that she can confess and you will understand and you guys will get past it. I just disagree with her. I think once she decided to keep it secret then it's secret forever and she bears to burden forever. That's her price for choosing secret. Of course she kept it from you out of fear of losing you but none the less it's still her burden.
> 
> It sounds like I'm saying she should PAYYYYY. That's not it. The thing is if she chose to take away your options for all of these years then her consequence is that she carries the guilt but now she's trying to take a short cut. So what I'm really saying is that you should not have to pay but now you are and that's messed up.
> 
> I can say with little doubt that if I was in your shoes that I would think less of my wife regardless of the outcome. Maybe I'd chalk it up to her being human and not knowing what to do and maybe I wouldn't but either way my opinion of her character would be damaged some.


I could not agree more.


----------



## jay1365

If you consider the fact that women ALWAYS have a reason for confessing something, and the time that has gone by, you should be very concerned. 

She might be trying to get YOU to confess to something she thinks you did by throwing you a bone for a smaller offense. I have no idea, but this was the opening salvo for something much bigger, in my opinion.

Once I caught my wife in a lie about something that happened in the first year we dated - not really a lie even, just an omission of a fact, 25 years after it happened, I questioned EVERYTHING that EVER happened in our dating time and marriage. EVERYTHING. And I found I was generally correct.


----------



## Mr Blunt

To:	The wonderer

*If everything you say is true then do not overreact*. If you have 40 years with her and she allowed an ugly man to kiss her one time and that is all, well you are doing a hell of a lot better than many of us here. I am not saying that you are not going to be affected some but if you have been married for 40 years and that is the worst; then do not do anything drastic.

If you have had the feeling that your wife is the Virgin Mary and would never do anything to hurt you, you are going to have to get used to reality with mankind. I know it is a real kick in the AZZ as I have thought for many years that my wife would not even look at another man wanting to have romance or sex with him. 

I took my wife to see Elvis live in Las Vegas just before his death. She talks in her sleep and I found out that I was not the king!!! Hey if I am going to get beat by someone I guess Elvis would be my pick!* I finally learned after many years that I can not put all my needs, trust, and all my emotional health in my wife’s hand; nor anyone else for that matter*.

I realized that I am responsible for my emotional, physical, and spiritual health and no one else. If you had your wife way up there on a pedestal then she is going to have to understand that she is going t be taken down a notch or two. If you are shocked at her kiss then you probably had 100% trusts in your wife. I no longer think that it is wise for any spouse to trust another 100%. I do not feel I am skeptical just getting to realize reality.

I also have three grown children and have been married for over 40 years but I will never trust my wife 100% with all my emotions and needs again nor do I expect her to trust me 100% either. My wife’s kiss went further than your wife’s kiss! YIKES!!

*You do not have to have 100% trust to have a good married life. Just build yourself up so that you do not become devastated if your wife fails you.*

Blunt


----------



## whitehawk

The Wonderer said:


> My wife recently told me that over 40 years ago during a lunch break at work she went with a short ride with a married coworker in his car and they talked and then he kissed her on the lips (not a French kiss) and she let him do it. She told me it was because she felt lonely due to my job keeping me away from home a lot. She insists nothing happened beyond the one kiss and they went back to work after that and she never has done anything like that again. She also says the guy was hefty and not good looking and had a fat face. She also said she had previously told him about being lonely due to my absences and he had been a sympathetic listener. I asked her why she waited so long to tell me and she said she was afraid I would leave her if she had told me. I believe she has been true to me since then because I have asked her to come clean about any other relationships with men and she denies any further incidents or attractions during our 40+ years of marriage and we have 3 grown kids. I have forgiven her but I can't forget about it. Was she cheating when they kissed or not??



40 yrs ago and nothing else ahh , forget it . There is nothing else right ?

ps , but l'd still listen to Blunt.


----------



## whitehawk

Mr Blunt said:


> To:	The wonderer
> 
> *If everything you say is true then do not overreact*. If you have 40 years with her and she allowed an ugly man to kiss her one time and that is all, well you are doing a hell of a lot better than many of us here. I am not saying that you are not going to be affected some but if you have been married for 40 years and that is the worst; then do not do anything drastic.
> 
> If you have had the feeling that your wife is the Virgin Mary and would never do anything to hurt you, you are going to have to get used to reality with mankind. I know it is a real kick in the AZZ as I have thought for many years that my wife would not even look at another man wanting to have romance or sex with him.
> 
> I took my wife to see Elvis live in Las Vegas just before his death. She talks in her sleep and I found out that I was not the king!!! Hey if I am going to get beat by someone I guess Elvis would be my pick!* I finally learned after many years that I can not put all my needs, trust, and all my emotional health in my wife’s hand; nor anyone else for that matter*.
> 
> I realized that I am responsible for my emotional, physical, and spiritual health and no one else. If you had your wife way up there on a pedestal then she is going to have to understand that she is going t be taken down a notch or two. If you are shocked at her kiss then you probably had 100% trusts in your wife. I no longer think that it is wise for any spouse to trust another 100%. I do not feel I am skeptical just getting to realize reality.
> 
> I also have three grown children and have been married for over 40 years but I will never trust my wife 100% with all my emotions and needs again nor do I expect her to trust me 100% either. My wife’s kiss went further than your wife’s kiss! YIKES!!
> 
> *You do not have to have 100% trust to have a good married life. Just build yourself up so that you do not become devastated if your wife fails you.*
> 
> Blunt


Yeah l agree blunt. After my break up , l think it's good and it's safer for you not to trust her 100%. l never will again l know that much.


----------



## Hortensia

I don't think there was anything going on, if it was just a peck on the lips given by him ( with her passive). I would insist to find out why she told you about it after 40 years. Unless there is more to confess. Maybe this is her "introduction" to a much deeper, serious confession. 
Either way. After so many years, I would let it go. I'd listen, lash at her if the case, but get over it. It's too long ago, can't be undone, and you had an entire life spent together. Or are you going to throw away 40 years because of a peck on the lips??


----------



## Horizon

Slowest TT on record?


----------



## ReformedHubby

Mavash. said:


> What does it matter? It was FORTY YEARS AGO?
> 
> Although this does make me wonder is there a statute of limitations on infidelity? After so many years of faithfulness is there an automatic redemption? Does it depend on WHAT was done?
> 
> But dang....40 years? Why on earth would she bring this up NOW?


I don't think the original poster has anything to worry about. But in general there is no statute of limitations on infidelity. A co-worker of mine's grandmother told her husband that she knew about all of his affairs when she was on her deathbed. She literally was cussing him out. He had no idea she knew, and he felt horrible about it because she held it all in all those years.


----------



## unbelievable

Mine could talk the ears off a rabbit and we've only been married about 10 years. After 40 years, maybe that was just the last thing on earth left to talk about. so she said it.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

For all those that say....

It was 40 years ago and nothing else...forget about it.

How do you know there was nothing else. This is the problem with secrets. You don't know where one starts and where it ends, only that the person telling you is capable of 1. doing something bad and 2. covering it up. So now your so-called 40 years of "great memories" become, what else is missing.

I also subscribe to the fact that there's a lot more below the surface. 40 years and NOW a confession?!?! Just kissing?!?! I don't know, I was born at night, but not last night.


----------



## Thundarr

unbelievable said:


> Who knows why women say the things they say? What counts is what she has been doing for the past 40 years. That says all that needs saying.


The thing is part of what she's been doing for 40 years includes keeping this betrayal secret. The secret is more of a problem than the act after this many years probably. So no it hasn't been 40 years. It's been however many days ago she confessed.


----------



## JCD

Here is the deal on this issue with me.

For forty years, she's kept the secret and felt dirty about herself. Okay.

Now what has she done? SHE feels clean, and HE feels dirty. How nice.

So to feel clean, she has to foist a niggling doubt upon her husband who now has the last 40 years called into question...at least a little bit.

And since she's a self acknowledged liar by omission, she does not have nearly as much credibility as she once had...oh...40 years ago. So her protestations of 'oh...I've been SO GOOD for 40 years.'

Has she? SHE called herself into question, not him.

I think this was a very selfish thing to do


----------



## Hortensia

How do we know there hasn't been more? We don't. And after so long, it's impossible to find out. So he kind of has to take her word on it that it was only a peck on the lips. I don't see the tragedy- not even a french kiss. 
Even if the worse case scenario is true and it was sex. Now what you gonna do? divorce for what happened 40 years ago? it would be a little extreme to claim the entire life built together had nothing good in it, just because the mistake she made long ago.I would be upset, but this is one of those cases I'd let it go.


----------



## chillymorn

ask for a lie detector test.


----------



## Michael Cross

40 years ago? She's lived with that guilt for so long and finally told you about it. Forgive her and move on.


----------



## Refuse to be played

Blue or Red pill?

Let it go or try to find out if it was more than a kiss or if there is anything else she wasn't honest about over the course of the M.

If it were me, I'd want to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes. She has no right to complain about you digging into the past since she brought it up. And there is no statute of limitations on infidelity.

There is a recent story of the 99 yr old Italian man who divorced his 96 yr old W after finding out about an affair that took place in the 1940's.


----------



## member2012

tom67 said:


> Frankly if it was just a kiss, why is she bringing it up now! I find this a little selfish of her.


Because her threshold is not like yours perhaps, this was a big deal to her and she has been keeping it to herself for all these years. She decided at this age to tell him for what ever reason. 

I know people that are so honest and straightforward they have a hard time lying about why they returned a library book late. 

Some where in the middle would be ideal. Not everybody trickle truths, some people just tell it how it is and for her that was something!


----------



## Suspecting

I wouldn't remember what happened 40 years ago... Oh wait I even wasn't born yet. But probably wouldn't even if I was.


----------

