# Starting to feel very disconnected to husband



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm really starting to feel that my husband is disconnected from me. I'm trying to put things in perspective that this is a very very stressful time, but too mnay things are feeling like before our seperation. Before our seperation he would play lots and lots of video games and we would never have sex!!!

So with each day he is playing more and more video games. As soon as I leave the room for something or go get our kids from school and come right back, he is on his video game. Its like become 3 times per day that hes playing now. Today he played at least 3 times and because it was the football season picks he was busy with that. He didn't eat dinner at eh family table because of the football picks. I stayed busy the whole time he was watching the football picks. After I got all the kids to bed I took a shower. I was kind of hoping or expecting that after the football drafts were over he would be wauting for me to come spend time with him. I came down stairs to find him playing his games again. Then when he was done playing his games he got on his computer. When he did get off his computer he was watching tv with me, but he was distant, like he was not even there. Then we went to bed and I hoped that he would flirt with me or something, but he was just a lump in the bed. he watches a show about sex (some show ask dan or something), but he does not cuddle or anything. He does put his hand on me a few times, but nothing remotly saying that I'm sexy at all. He says he has things on his mind, thats what hes been saying for days.

Its really starting to get very very annoying. I hate it when he keeps everything inside and he keeps rehearsing everything over and over and over and over. 

We have not had sex since March 31st and its drving me crazy, but he seems so fara way and doesn;t care about sex. Yet during the day when we can't do anything about it, he does flirt a little bit. At night he doesn't flirt at all. 

I'm trying to just turn my drive off, but it doesn't help when he does flirt during the day, but then nothing at all when kids are in bed. Also I had told him a few weeks ago that I was going to stop flirting with him because it really hurts to be constantly rejected. Well he said that was not a nice thing to say. So he wants me to keep flirting with him, while I get nothing in return. 

Here is what is bothrering him and its a valid reason to be bothered I admit. We are losing our house which is really a choice that we made since it was sort of forced on us during our seperation that was going towards divorce. We are filing for bankrupcy as soon as we can rent a house, but we are moving out of state. We seem to be having no luck renting a house even though we have said we will pay 3 months rent upfront and the security deposit, that my husband makes almost $10K gross per month, we have not disclosed that we are in bankrupcy since it is not yet filed. My husband is in the union so he is job attached and can work in other states if he needs too. We are moving out of state because there is no solid work here. hes always getting laid off when a job is done or because of weather the job gets shut down.

I'm so tired of being in this inbetween time of our lives too. I want to start our new life, but we can't do that with no place to live. 

This is also the first night that I can't sleep and the first night I feel so disconnected from him. I don't want him to be upset with me in the morning. Both of us have infedilities. His disconnect is a trigger for me and I know my not being able to sleep is a huge trigger for him.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Talk to him asap! That is the only answer to the question.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Blueskies,
It almost reads like he doesn't know how to handle his stress, he copes with video games, becoming distant, and yes that's how an affair can start.

Life stress isn't going to ever go away, but could you both benefit from reading \ looking up ways to deal with stress? I can imagine you both have pending doom riding on your shoulders.

Rattling things around in your head sometimes just makes things worse.

Get out of the house, take the kids somewhere fun, or get a sitter and go "blow off some steam" together.


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

You need to sit down with him and discuss all this before either of you get too far into this disconnect...


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Your husband has the same coping mechanisms as mine. Whenever mine needs to "escape" video games are his outlet. I'll let him endulge for a while but then try and help him get to the bottom of what he is feeling/going thru. 

I realize your current situation is weighingly heavily upon both of you but engage him and try and keep a positive outlook on things as difficult as that may seem.

Understand that men deal with things a lot differently than women do as well. It must be a real blow to his manhood, for lack of a better term at the moment, for your family to be in the situation you find yourselves in. When something like loosing a house/job happens both sexes take it hard but men much more so because it makes them feel like failures since they are supposed to be the breadwinners (again, lacking a better term) who provide a stable enviroment for their family. Right now things are tight in my marriage and my husband makes consierably less than he used to and considerably less than I do at the moment and he has expressed to me how bad it makes him feel that he can not provide for me (when have no children) like a man should.

As for the sex - do you initiate with him? Or are you just waiting for him to make a move? If you're waiting on him - then don't! Make a move - go after him - hell, give him a spur of the moment BJ! Most likely he'll not only appreciate it but it'll help him take his mind off of things for a while...


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Eternal Embrace said:


> Your husband has the same coping mechanisms as mine. Whenever mine needs to "escape" video games are his outlet. I'll let him endulge for a while but then try and help him get to the bottom of what he is feeling/going thru.
> 
> I realize your current situation is weighingly heavily upon both of you but engage him and try and keep a positive outlook on things as difficult as that may seem.
> 
> ...


Yes my husband deals with stress through video games. We did talk today althouhg it was very slow at first. I sent him an email very very early this morning while I could not sleep. Furst thing this morning before he read or knew of the email, he was mad at me for not sleeping in our bed the whole night. For him when I can't sleep its a trigger for him. I had an EA before our sepration where I would stay up very very late talking on the phone and texting. 

When he noticed the email he was even more mad. He was passive aggressive and not talking to me for hours this morning. He said I was acting funny last night and nothing was his fault.

We did finally talk. He was able to tell me the times where he thought i was acting funny. I'm usually the one to ininiate and I always give him all kinds of massages. I was holding off last nihgt becasue I was wanting him to iniate the effection. With no sex I'm feeling not wanted I guess.

Our housing situation has not improved yet. The house we put a application in fell through. We were supposed to have gotten a phone call and approved, but they neglected to call and supposedly a contract is pending. So we are at square 1 again and probbaly will be paying more rent than we really want too. I just want this nihgtmare to end!!!

My husband explained that he is very worried about providing a home for us and that he needs to get back to work. He can't take a job until we move out of state near the location of the jobsite.

Yesterday before things got a bit weird between us, I did open up to my husband about me wanting to give him a BJ. I told him what I wanted to do to him in a playfl manner and he seemed to be interested. When ever he is interested it is during the day when our kids are up though. My husband was being sexually playful today. I asked him why he can't be like this at night when the kids were in bed and he said he didn't really know and that he gets tired too.

We got to talk about our sexual differences. When he gets stressed he has no sex drive at all. Becasue of his infedility during our seperation, I have a hard time with no sex. Before our seperation he always had an excuse not to have sex and then during our seperation he had sex several times with the scank!!! I have a hard time believing him now that he really does not want sex. To me I feel like he doesn't want it from me, but maybe from someone else because of the infedility.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Eternal Embrace said:


> As for the sex - do you initiate with him? Or are you just waiting for him to make a move? If you're waiting on him - then don't! Make a move - go after him - hell, give him a spur of the moment BJ! Most likely he'll not only appreciate it but it'll help him take his mind off of things for a while...


Yes I do iniate very often. I am always telling him sexual stuff too. To the point that he said he didn't like it. So I stopped and the next day he got hurt because I stopped.

Before our seperation we both got somewhat sexually shy. He didn't give me oral and I didn't give him oral. I've told him that I want to give him oral. Because I have not done it in years, I am very shy about it. Its harder to make the move when he is saying he doesn't want sex. 

I'm trying to mostly focis on the positive changes. While we have not had sex since March 31st, he is very effecionate and sexually flirtatous. 

We are moving to a much warmer climate and he wants a house with a pool. I'm not sure how much he knows how much I want to have sex in a pool, I'm sure he has an idea though. A few years ago we had a sexual experence in the ocean. His idea for the ocean thing, I was the shy one...Now ever sicne he is the shy one...while I'm wanting to have sex in his car, which we have never done before.

Sorry if this thread changed a little from the original subject...I just can't wait to get over this really big life changing hurdle so that we can contiue gettign more comfortable with eachother than we were befroe our seperation and I can try out all my fantasies.

recently he said "what's up with you lately? You've been acting like a dog in heat lately"


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I am a former spouse who's wife cheated on him because she felt disconnected to me - truth is we were married for a long time and I felt extremely loyal to my wife so I did not want to share all my crap on her because I felt it was my crap and she didnt want to or need to hear it. I thought I would work through it and then tell her aferwards what I was going through. I felt inadequate as a husband, inadequate as a father, felt nothing in my life ever worked out, etc....these are tough things to work through..then all I felt was her disappointment which only intensified these feelings...then one day I drove her to work and she said she was going to start going out with people from work..I know now that she decided she was going to pursue an affair....I know she felt alienated like you and I regret not telling her what was feeling because I truly loved her..but once the affair happened it as over...my points are these...

1) it may look like he doesnt care - but deep inside may care deeply about you.

2) Be careful about opening the affair box - because it has irrevokable consequences and might permanently end your relationship. It did ours. Any chance of us getting back together ended with her affair.


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