# Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

My wife and I have a very good relationship. One of my only concerns is her tendency to mention exes during conversations. I know very little about her previous relationships. I don’t know many details such as why the relationships ended, or how they shape who she is today. I have no problem with having real conversations about those things. I realize that she dated people before me, and that’s ok. I just have an issue with how exes are frequently brought into conversation when we go out on date nights. They are never mentioned any other time, expect when we go out together to dinner, movies, concerts, etc. 

This is how it usually goes, I’ll mention something in conversation ,and she’ll make a comments such as “my ex used to like that”, “I went there with an ex”, or yesterday’s comment, “back when I went to my exes family party”. They are all brief one sentence comments about people I know nothing about. I don’t expect to erase her past, or not talk about whatever is on her mind. I’d just prefer spending date nights together without the high likelihood an ex will be brought into conversation. 

There’s just something that hurts my feelings about the fact that whenever we are having fun together, the thought of an ex is important enough to mention. It particularly feels strange to me when she describes herself as someone completely different in those relationships than the conservative, cautious person I married. In fact, I’d love to see her be able to let go and not always be so cautious. The “exes” have seen that side, and I haven’t. That is another reason I feel awkward when I hear these random comments on our date nights. 

Should I mention these feelings to wife? I’m just curious what you all think. I’m not sure if I’m too sensitive, but it’s also difficult not share my feelings with my wife.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Yes, it's absolutely worth mentioning to your wife if it effects as much as it sounds like it does. Certain people are sensitive to certain things. Maybe you can only take so much...the casual mention, not a big deal. But if it's happening at a clip that is overdoing it TO YOU, you should mention it and how it makes you feel.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*

Agree and amplify.

You: hey, these shrimp are really good. 

Wife: my ex, Thunder SteelShaft, liked shrimp too, popcorn shrimp to be exact.

You: oh, cool, that's interesting....tell me more, how did he prefer to have his steak cooked?

Wife: er, um, medium rare....??

You: that's totes awesome! And Chad MuscleButt, what was his preferred wine pairing with linguine?

Wife: uh, you're being weird! 

Done without snark, being snide, or passive aggressively, but with active and genuine curiosity. 

If she doesn't get the hint, just tell her plainly not to mention them again.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Read the thread "you did it for them but not me." I reference it because it kind of sounds like what your getting at.

On another note I recommend you find a few books of how female attraction works. I don't recommend to any man that he fumble his way through marriage and expect the results you want just because your a "good guy".

I don't recommend the snark and passive aggressive stuff. If you want to know stand up for yourself and ask outright. If she doesn't want to give it out then straight up tell her you never want to here about her exes again.

Defining some boundaries and standing by them earns respect. Go that route, never the passive one. Note: I never said to be rude to her.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> There’s just something that hurts my feelings about the fact that whenever we are having fun together, the thought of an ex is important enough to mention.


I suggest, the next time she brings up an ex, you ask her "...When we stood before God and witnesses and married each other, you promised that you would _*forsake all others*_ and *keep yourself only unto* me. What, exactly, do those statements mean to you ??...... "

And, "....why do you think those two statements are part of wedding vows ?? "



Seeker72 said:


> I’d just prefer spending date nights together without the high likelihood an ex will be brought into conversation.


And, in my opinion, those two wedding vows give you the complete right to it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > There’s just something that hurts my feelings about the fact that whenever we are having fun together, the thought of an ex is important enough to mention.
> ...


This could be a good suggestion, but it might not work for OP. Not every wedding is the same.

Not all weddings are religious, and not all vows include that language. Mine didn't.

It also might feel a LOT like "schooling" ----the questioning her--why she thinks those statements are part of wedding vows (if they were).

I think a sharp direct approach about how it affects you would be effective. Tell her you aren't interested in hearing about her ex partners when you are on a date night. Those nights are for you two to focus on each other. Tell her it really ruins the dynamic of your time together, for you.

And then, if she does it again on another date night, be real. Let her know that comment was a turn off, you're not feeling the date night anymore and cut the night short.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Read the thread "you did it for them but not me." I reference it because it kind of sounds like what your getting at.
> 
> On another note I recommend you find a few books of how female attraction works. I don't recommend to any man that he fumble his way through marriage and expect the results you want just because your a "good guy".
> 
> ...


Sometimes being snarky is the only way to go. 
The next time she mentions her exes I would just casually mention “none of these guys stuck around, I wonder why”.
Or you could say “You sure had a lot of boyfriends didn’t you, is there anything you didn’t already do or anyplace you haven’t already been “.

Now this is one I would save for someone who you want to split up with. When she mentions her past boyfriends and what they did together I would say “Yeah,I bet you were hot when you were younger”.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*

Your wife must be insecure if she constantly needs to make offhand and unnecessary comments about her exes.

I'm not big on the open honest dialogue routine. She may turn that around and call you insecure for asking her to never mention exes "as if she were born yesterday." O how terrible and demanding. I would try Andy's first repsonse.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> Your wife must be insecure if she constantly needs to make offhand and unnecessary comments about her exes.
> 
> I'm not big on the open honest dialogue routine. She may turn that around and call you insecure for asking her to never mention exes "as if she were born yesterday." O how terrible and demanding. I would try Andy's first repsonse.


Honestly, the open dialogue is more my style, but I have the same concerns you mentioned. I just don’t see it being successful because I could be portrayed as being insecure and unreasonable.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Start talking about the things your exes liked, preferred, or were interested in. If you don't have any exes, make some up. "That's what I really liked about her." Fight fire with fire. See how long that lasts.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Have you ever mentioned your ex's too?

I would mention something about my previous relationships, if she says "I've been to that place with ex1" I would say, "I remember going to X place with ex234 and eating abc, enjoyed a nice bottle of pinot, talking about life and the future..... Good times.." while looking out the window... 

It's interesting to see how people react when tables are turned. 

My kids got mad at my husband because they found a photo album at Grandma's house that had pictures of his senior prom where he was hugging and kissing an ex girlfriend. 

Our daughter said, "I saw a picture of you and another girl that wasn't mama!" My husband turned beet red and said, "You know, I had a life before marrying mama!" Our daughter was upset! I was laughing so hard!!!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Andy1001 said:


> When she mentions her past boyfriends and what they did together I would say “Yeah,I bet you were hot when you were younger”.


That one will win her heart ..LOL !!!!!!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Seeker72 said:


> Honestly, the open dialogue is more my style, but I have the same concerns you mentioned. I just don’t see it being successful because I could be portrayed as being insecure and unreasonable.


My third point was a joke. 
However the other two are things that you can mention without being overly aggressive. If she takes umbrage then it’s her that’s being insecure and unreasonable. 
In my opinion anyone who keeps mentioning exes to their spouse is definitely showing signs of insecurity and lack of self esteem.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Andy1001 said:


> anyone who keeps mentioning exes to their spouse is definitely showing signs of insecurity and lack of self esteem.


I was thinking it was from the other direction like showing disrespect. With the said ... he mentioned in the beginning they had a good marriage and he isn't pointing
to any other issues.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > anyone who keeps mentioning exes to their spouse is definitely showing signs of insecurity and lack of self esteem.
> ...


Yeah, the only real issue we have in our marriage (at least an issue to me) is the baggage that gets brought into our life. For example, if she went to a particular place with someone else and didn’t enjoy it, she won’t do the same activity with me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t address this early on, because she didn’t actually mention these things until recently.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Yeah, the only real issue we have in our marriage (at least an issue to me) is the baggage that gets brought into our life. For example, if she went to a particular place with someone else and didn’t enjoy it, she won’t do the same activity with me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t address this early on, because she didn’t actually mention these things until recently.


Yeah but just imagine she went there with her cousin or mother or something. It would be the same result. Don't think of it as just because it was with an ex. Her reaction would still be the same.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Maybe she could say “I went there once with a friend” or “I went there once in my twenties.” If the word ex bothers you, she can cut that part out. (A lot of women refer to men they had sex with as “friends.” Honey, meet Johnny, an old friend of mine.)

Also, if you want to try a new sex position, she should say, “okay, let’s try that!” Then say, “I’m glad we tried it but it’s not my thing.” Instead of “it’s no fun, I used to do that with an ex and hated it” followed by eye rolling and “all right, if you REALLY want to, go ahead...”

When my daughter was in day care, she was just about to take her first step. At home, she was very close, holding onto table edges and walking. At day care, I asked and they said she’s close, it will probably happen soon. Eventually one of them told me, “Major life moments never happen at day care. They always happen at home.” I think your wife can treat her husband as well as our day care workers treated us.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Mr.Married said:


> Yeah but just imagine she went there with her cousin or mother or something. It would be the same result. Don't think of it as just because it was with an ex. Her reaction would still be the same.


 This^ and why would anyone want to go back to somewhere they didn't like. Unless it's one of your favorites, I'd just let that one go.

As far as mentioning exes, I'd have an honest and upfront discussion how hearing about her exes on date night puts a damper on your mood. Explain you have exes but don't bring them up on date night. If she persists and she says "Ex#1 loved the enchiladas here" say "What a coincidence. My ex #7 loved the enchiladas here too. Maybe we should try to hook them up." If she takes you seriously give her the "REALLY???" look.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Don't wait until you're out and she does it again. Discuss it with her any time before going out. Today, tomorrow, whenever. Whether or not it hurts your feelings when she does this, she's being rude and needs to know that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



skerzoid said:


> Start talking about the things your exes liked, preferred, or were interested in. If you don't have any exes, make some up. "That's what I really liked about her." Fight fire with fire. See how long that lasts.


Mrs. Conan has done this a few times where it was absolutely unwarranted and unwanted by myself.

She started telling stories about what she did or where she went when married to her ex, who was an absolute asshat and disaster, when we were visiting with another couple or friends.

I felt stupid and excluded in a weird way.

I got a steamy talk going with a couple of close friends once about past partners and she got really uncomfortable about mine and didn't want to continue.

I have had to remind her a couple times about it. I don't mind her talking about past travels and experiences but her ex doesn't need to be in the room with us.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

My wife and I both do that and it was bothering us. So we had a chat about it and agreed to be more sensitive about it. That said, like it or not, exes are part of our lives and we cannot bury it. So, yes, discuss it with her but understand it's just going to happen sometimes.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Honestly, the open dialogue is more my style, but I have the same concerns you mentioned. I just don’t see it being successful because I could be portrayed as being insecure and unreasonable.


If you have never said anything to her, she probably has NO IDEA this rubs you the wrong way.

My current BF loves that he can talk about his ex and it doesn't bother me. I even ask him questions because I'm genuinely curious/interested.

However, I noticed that any time I mention my EX his mood changes. He doesn't like it. At first I thought - that's not fair, I listed to all his stories that involve his ex. But then I realized -- it truly does not bother me. It obviously does bother him.

Now that I realize that, I've made an effort to just not do it unless there's something specific (usually bad) that the ex did that I want to let him know about, as a way to tell him about my feelings on the subject. I still slip up sometimes, and when I realize I just cut the story/comment short.

If your wife does this just on date nights, it's probably just casual conversation to her. Something the two of you are doing reminds her of something from her past, odds are she was with someone at the time, and she just makes the comment.

I would say something like this to her:
"I haven't said anything before because I know you don't mean anything by it, but I'd really rather not hear about your exes. I know we both have a past, and I don't want you to feel you can't talk about yours with me, but when we're on a date I really don't want to be thinking about your exes, or thinking that you're thinking about them." 

Separately you might also say something like "In your stories you've done some wild and crazy things. But you're so conservative with me. Do you miss those times? Because I'd love to see that side of you. I want to make our own memories of fun stories to tell."


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > Honestly, the open dialogue is more my style, but I have the same concerns you mentioned. I just don’t see it being successful because I could be portrayed as being insecure and unreasonable.
> ...


This sounds like a very reasonable suggestion. I think I struggle more so because I have no exes. I’d still have no issue with these stores at all, if they described the person I now know. Sometimes I just feel like she will always reject any new ideas if she’s been there done that with an ex. For example, it’s very difficult to hear her talk about the guy she went to a hockey game with, when she’d never do that for me because she didn’t have fun with him. The examples of this type of thing in our relationship are endless. It extends to every element of our relationship. It just hurts more when she mentions these guys because that fact.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> This sounds like a very reasonable suggestion. I think I struggle more so because I have no exes. I’d still have no issue with these stores at all, if they described the person I now know. Sometimes I just feel like she will always reject any new ideas if she’s been there done that with an ex. For example, it’s very difficult to hear her talk about the guy she went to a hockey game with, when she’d never do that for me because she didn’t have fun with him. The examples of this type of thing in our relationship are endless. It extends to every element of our relationship. It just hurts more when she mentions these guys because that fact.


Ahh more to it.

Not to presume too much here and I may be way off base, but sounds like you have a common problem/fear Seeker.

Wife may have been "wilder" or "crazier" in days past. Seems like at least a decent number of exes from your description. A$$holes or "badboys" perhaps? 

Are you what some might consider a nicer guy?

Afraid she settle for you the nice, stable guy?

Like I said I may be WAY off base here but your wife sounding like a different person and being hesitant to do things sounds like a person rejecting their wild ways and past but not fully coming to terms with it. Thus the avoidance of so many things and not talking about it with you other than "went to hockey with ex-A. hockey sucks, so lets not ever go to hockey".


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Seeker72 said:


> This sounds like a very reasonable suggestion. I think I struggle more so because I have no exes. I’d still have no issue with these stores at all, if they described the person I now know. Sometimes I just feel like she will always reject any new ideas if she’s been there done that with an ex. For example, it’s very difficult to hear her talk about the guy she went to a hockey game with, when she’d never do that for me because she didn’t have fun with him. The examples of this type of thing in our relationship are endless. It extends to every element of our relationship. It just hurts more when she mentions these guys because that fact.


If she refuses to accompany you to any event, gig etc because she went before with an ex and didn’t enjoy, it it is vitally important that you still attend. Either with a friend or on your own. 
This is the sort of thing that builds resentment in a relationship. It gives the partner who refuses to attend any game etc all the power and is actually a controlling mechanism. 
You can tell her that while you would love to have her company at whatever it is you want to do, you understand she doesn’t want to go. When she sees you don’t back down she will realize that while you want her to be with you you don’t need her to be with you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

curious have you brought up exes before and what has been her feedback...this who thing about not going somewhere because she did not have a good time is BS...and i would tell her that i guess i will go alone. you have to nip this in the bid asap otherwise this will layout your entire marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> This sounds like a very reasonable suggestion. I think I struggle more so because I have no exes. I’d still have no issue with these stores at all, if they described the person I now know. Sometimes I just feel like she will always reject any new ideas if she’s been there done that with an ex. For example, it’s very difficult to hear her talk about the guy she went to a hockey game with, when she’d never do that for me because she didn’t have fun with him. The examples of this type of thing in our relationship are endless. It extends to every element of our relationship. It just hurts more when she mentions these guys because that fact.


Yeah..... I don't play that.

Did happen over a couple issues with Mrs C and I as well.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I refused to answer for, or be held accountable for, or held in comparison to anything anyone had ever done to her or with her.

Few things piss me off faster than being subjected to controlling emotions caused by some ass hole that I have zero responsibility for.

next time she tells you she doesn't like doing stuff with you because she didn't like it with Tom **** or Harry, tell her not to go out with them anymore because she's going out with you this time.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



ConanHub said:


> Yeah..... I don't play that.
> 
> Did happen over a couple issues with Mrs C and I as well.
> 
> ...


QFT

Well said Conan. 

Could have used this years ago with my wife and a bedroom issue. Me paying the price for something some a$$hole bought years ago.

Turn it around Seeker. What if your wife were a big Disney fan but hadnt been to DisneyWorld yet? But you had with some other woman. She was a bag. Not a good experience for you. Associate it with her.
Fair for you to simply tell your wife, "No thanks, been there done that. Didnt like it"?
That being said this isnt something where you have carte blanche on things you do. But your wife could be more accommodating and not pull the "did with an ex, HATED IT!" card all the time.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> My wife and I have a very good relationship. One of my only concerns is her tendency to mention exes during conversations. I know very little about her previous relationships. I don’t know many details such as why the relationships ended, or how they shape who she is today. I have no problem with having real conversations about those things. I realize that she dated people before me, and that’s ok. I just have an issue with how exes are frequently brought into conversation when we go out on date nights. They are never mentioned any other time, expect when we go out together to dinner, movies, concerts, etc.
> 
> This is how it usually goes, I’ll mention something in conversation ,and she’ll make a comments such as “my ex used to like that”, “I went there with an ex”, or yesterday’s comment, “back when I went to my exes family party”. They are all brief one sentence comments about people I know nothing about. I don’t expect to erase her past, or not talk about whatever is on her mind. I’d just prefer spending date nights together without the high likelihood an ex will be brought into conversation.
> 
> ...





Seeker72 said:


> Yeah, the only real issue we have in our marriage (at least an issue to me) is the baggage that gets brought into our life. For example, i*f she went to a particular place with someone else and didn’t enjoy it, she won’t do the same activity with me*. Unfortunately, I couldn’t address this early on, because she didn’t actually mention these things until recently.


Would it bother you more or less if she said "I have tried/visited x, y, z and I didn't really enjoy it"without the additional information about having tried/visited with an ex?

I am trying to understand what the "real" issue is in your relationship. Is it the bringing up of the exes or the fact that she doesn't want to try things with you that she may have tried/visited previously?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would say both are issues. He's paying for the sins of her exes and at the same time the ghosts are intruding on HIS dates with her.

I would tell her that I wish I found her comments about her exes to be interesting but I just don't.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I would say both are issues. He's paying for the sins of her exes and at the same time the ghosts are intruding on HIS dates with her.
> 
> I would tell her that I wish I found her comments about her exes to be interesting but I just don't.


I don't understand why people bring up exes in conversation. A simple "I went to the x vs y hockey game about 6 years ago. Wasn't really my cup of tea" or "I tried x food and wasn't really into it". There's no need to bring up who was with me when I did those things. 

I'm still curious if OP would accept answers like the ones I provided or if he wants his wife to try things she doesn't want to try again with him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

That begs the question of whether the experience was unpleasant because of the company or in spite of the company she really doesn't like x, y or z. 

Either way, his world is being made smaller because of those damn ghosts.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

"I never realized how much I missed my ex's until you kept talking about yours."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> My wife and I have a very good relationship. One of my only concerns is her tendency to mention exes during conversations. I know very little about her previous relationships. I don’t know many details such as why the relationships ended, or how they shape who she is today. I have no problem with having real conversations about those things. I realize that she dated people before me, and that’s ok. I just have an issue with how exes are frequently brought into conversation when we go out on date nights. They are never mentioned any other time, expect when we go out together to dinner, movies, concerts, etc.
> 
> This is how it usually goes, I’ll mention something in conversation ,and she’ll make a comments such as “my ex used to like that”, “I went there with an ex”, or yesterday’s comment, “back when I went to my exes family party”. They are all brief one sentence comments about people I know nothing about. I don’t expect to erase her past, or not talk about whatever is on her mind. I’d just prefer spending date nights together without the high likelihood an ex will be brought into conversation.
> 
> ...


My wife used to do this. Not so much now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Decorum said:


> "I never realized how much I missed my ex's until you kept talking about yours."


And we have a winner. 
Genius!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Decorum said:


> "I never realized how much I missed my ex's until you kept talking about yours."


Brilliant !!!


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



NextTimeAround said:


> *Your wife must be insecure if she constantly needs to make offhand and unnecessary comments about her exes.*
> 
> I'm not big on the open honest dialogue routine. She may turn that around and call you insecure for asking her to never mention exes "as if she were born yesterday." O how terrible and demanding. I would try Andy's first repsonse.


Funny thing.

I'm probably the devil's advocate here, but I was starting to think the OP was insecure in the fact that this is getting to him so much. OP said it was just a sentence here and there about her past. It doesn't sound like there is any ill intent. She married OP after all. I do know that insecurity is unattractive on both fronts.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



SunWhiskey said:


> Funny thing.
> 
> I'm probably the devil's advocate here, but I was starting to think the OP was insecure in the fact that this is getting to him so much. OP said it was just a sentence here and there about her past. It doesn't sound like there is any ill intent. She married OP after all. I do know that insecurity is unattractive on both fronts.


This is the problem. Everyone has a different threshold for this. In general, one should avoid talk about the ex as much as possible. Obviously, if there are kids around, both partners have to tread carefully. I felt funny for a while because people would ask how I got to London and it all led back to my exH. OTOH, I tried to mask everything else. I went to Australia for 2 weeks with a "friend." But I bought a house with my exH since I don't think buying with a friend makes a lot of sense.

With my current husband, there doesn't seem to be a problem. I met him 4 years after I broke up and had NC with Mr. In Between and I have nothing positive to say about him. And 9 years after I split with my first husband. I would like to think that when I do bring them up, that I am neutral and merely observing how a certain incident or behavior affected me.

My husband has mentioned some things from his past and they don't bother me. What can get under my skin is mention of his socalled friend since some of that was occurring while we were dating ........ AND (this is important) I noted that some of his behavior did not match his words. Like "she's crazy," "she needs professional help." "I prefer being with you" as he pays her taxi fare while expecting me to take the bus.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*

I would open with-

“I’ve been noticing on almost every date we go on, you mention one of your ex’s.”

Then let her say what she wants to say. Once she’s aware of it, she will probably stop doing it. No need for a bunch of drama or sarcasm. She probably hasn’t even realized she’s doing it. Then if it continues, I would have a more detailed conversation.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



SunWhiskey said:


> Funny thing.
> 
> I'm probably the devil's advocate here, but I was starting to think the OP was insecure in the fact that this is getting to him so much. OP said it was just a sentence here and there about her past. It doesn't sound like there is any ill intent.* She married OP after all.* I do know that insecurity is unattractive on both fronts.


 Not in regards to the OP necessarily, but the cliche' above is directly from the cheater's handbook. How many times have we read that and then she leaves for the EX? Total and complete BULL****.


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Rubix Cubed said:


> Not in regards to the OP necessarily, but the cliche' above is directly from the cheater's handbook. How many times have we read that and then she leaves for the EX? Total and complete BULL****.



Also to be fair, this is exactly what happened to me. I don't know if you've seen my thread.

Over the years, my wife's ex did come up quite often and now that I think of it, she was always quite concerned with what he was doing and mentioned it.

He did end up in the news paper quite a few times for drugs, assault, etc. So I attributed hearing about him just due to the fact that they were significant events and front page headlines.

That also led me to believe she'd never go back to someone like that. Oh boy, was I wrong.

So if I can look at this situation and think the OP may be just a bit jealous. I may not be far off. My bias should swing the other direction.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



SunWhiskey said:


> Funny thing.
> 
> I'm probably the devil's advocate here, but I was starting to think the OP was insecure in the fact that this is getting to him so much. OP said it was just a sentence here and there about her past. It doesn't sound like there is any ill intent. *She married OP after all.* I do know that insecurity is unattractive on both fronts.


He could have been Plan B. Showing that you're worthy of a relationship is reconfirmed on a daily basis. You don't get to marry me; do as you damn well please and then say "But I married you, didn't I?"


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



NextTimeAround said:


> He could have been Plan B. Showing that you're worthy of a relationship is reconfirmed on a daily basis. You don't get to marry me; do as you damn well please and then say "But I married you, didn't I?"


If he was plan B, there's no fixing it now. It already happened. Insecurity will only make things worse. This is fact.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



NextTimeAround said:


> He could have been Plan B. Showing that you're worthy of a relationship is reconfirmed on a daily basis. * You don't get to marry me; do as you damn well please and then say "But I married you, didn't I?"*


 That's what I'm saying. It also frames the marriage as her being in charge. "Ummm, I pick you ... no wait, not you ... you. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" **** that!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

How about taking the opportunity when she mentions ex's to learn about them?

"hey, you've never really spoken about ex, what was that relationship like?" How long together, why the broke up, etc.. You mention that you know nothing about this, but sound like you WANT to know at least some details. Some people do, some don't, but this could be a good chance to get that discussion going and open up communications.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> This sounds like a very reasonable suggestion. I think I struggle more so because I have no exes. I’d still have no issue with these stores at all, if they described the person I now know. Sometimes I just feel like she will always reject any new ideas if she’s been there done that with an ex. For example, it’s very difficult to hear her talk about the guy she went to a hockey game with, when she’d never do that for me because she didn’t have fun with him. The examples of this type of thing in our relationship are endless. It extends to every element of our relationship. It just hurts more when she mentions these guys because that fact.


Maybe I'm projecting here, but it sounds like when you say "conservative" what you mean is "resistant stick in the mud." And naturally, it's frustrating and disappointing to you when she won't even try something with you but she tried it with someone else...

Hmmmm..... If her nature is to resist everything, you've got your work cut out for you. I was married to someone like that. If I had to describe his personality in one word it would be "resistant" and if I had to describe my overall feeling in the relationship in one word it would be "frustrated" (give me a few more words and we'll add "disappointed, depressed, resentful, annoyed..."

ANYHOW - from her perspective, is the reason she doesn't want to do these things because she has already done them and did not like the activity (regardless of who she was with). For example, let's say you're a huge hockey fan and she refuses to even go to a game with you because she went to one before with so and so *and did not like hockey*. Or is it because she went to a hockey game with someone else and he was a jerk and therefore she did not have a good time? 

If it is the first, it's going to be very hard for you to provide her with a "better" experience because the problem in her mind is not WHO she is with, it's that she DOES NOT LIKE HOCKEY.

MY SUGGESTION would be to tell her flat out that you are really frustrated that she won't at least try sharing these experiences with YOU. Over time, our tastes do change and she could have a very different take on it this time around. Are there not some foods she likes now that she didn't used to like? Books or movies she did or did not like in the past that hit her completely differently now? If she doesn't like the activity, that's absolutely fine, you won't ask again. But is there any reason she won't go ONE time with you AND AN OPEN MIND?

And if you can get her to go, really think about her personality and preferences and see what you can do to make the experience as good for her as possible. Dinner before or after, explain things about the hockey players personalities and life struggles to her if she's more into people than sports/techniques, if she likes to drink, a couple drinks can make any activity fun IMO, if she's social, give her attention during the game or go with another couple where the woman likes to talk and make sure they sit beside each other, etc.

ALSO I would tell her flat out that doing things together is very important to you, and if she doesn't want to do anything you are suggesting, you'd like to know what would she like to do where you two can have fun times together.

It sounds like this issue is much bigger than her just mindlessly mentioning exes, and it's actually a serious issue where you're not very happy in your marriage right now. She needs to know that. Or someday you'll find yourself saying to someone new "This is great, my ex never wanted to do that..."


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



SunWhiskey said:


> Funny thing.
> 
> I'm probably the devil's advocate here, but I was starting to think the OP was insecure in the fact that this is getting to him so much. OP said it was just a sentence here and there about her past. It doesn't sound like there is any ill intent. She married OP after all. I do know that insecurity is unattractive on both fronts.


Yeah I think he knew he was bothered but was having trouble nailing down exactly what bothered him. Reading more it seems like it might be his wife's using her experiences with exes as a reason to resist anything he wants to try/do, than merely the fact that she's mentioning exes.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



jlg07 said:


> How about taking the opportunity when she mentions ex's to learn about them?
> 
> "hey, you've never really spoken about ex, what was that relationship like?" How long together, why the broke up, etc.. You mention that you know nothing about this, but sound like you WANT to know at least some details. Some people do, some don't, but this could be a good chance to get that discussion going and open up communications.


I agree with this. This is why I LIKE hearing about exes from my current guy because I want to know more about him, what things made him happy, what things frustrated him, hurt him, etc.

Someone asked "why do people talk about their exes" and I would say, for me, because I'm sincerely curious and not at all put off by talk of exes, it never occurred to me that it would be an issue to anyone. I just assumed if they were interested in me, they would want to know as much as possible about my past and what made me who I am today, because that's how I am. 

Once I realized most guys don't like the mention of the ex I try to stop it, but it really is difficult because I want to be able to tell my man about my life experiences, and if I have an amusing anecdote to share from my past that fits the current moment, sometimes I've opened my mouth and started speaking before my brain has engaged enough to think ...STOP. TURN BACK. This story involves an Ex.... I am getting better at it but I think also because I have ZERO NO NONE desire to be with any ex of mine over my guy. That's so OBVIOUS to me it doesn't occur to me that hearing talk of an ex may strike him as my reminiscing in a wistful way. I mean my guy is so superior to anyone I've been with before and I'm so happy right now, it just feels obvious to me.

Of course I would know better than to ever compare an ex favorably to my guy. I wouldn't say something like "X used to do that for me." or "X was able to do that easily..." (Happily, none of that has entered my mind anyhow.)


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

May want to have wife read this article. https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/

Then tell her 'I am not any of your ex's , I married you to spend time & do things with you;, Stop comparing me from someone in your past. What kind of discussions did you have with spouse before you were married?

I would also second the thought that if you like hockey, and she doesn't because of who she was with at the game.
Call up a buddy and go with them.

The constant talk of ex's is either thoughtless on her part or maybe she is being passive aggressive towards H.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

If he was plan B, there's no fixing it now. It already happened. Insecurity will only make things worse. This is fact.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> This sounds like a very reasonable suggestion. I think I struggle more so because I have no exes. I’d still have no issue with these stores at all, if they described the person I now know. Sometimes I just feel like she will always reject any new ideas if she’s been there done that with an ex. For example, it’s very difficult to hear her talk about the guy she went to a hockey game with, when she’d never do that for me because she didn’t have fun with him. The examples of this type of thing in our relationship are endless. It extends to every element of our relationship. It just hurts more when she mentions these guys because that fact.


Then go to the hockey game without her. 

Sorry to hear that, I am going to the game. Later. 

If you have the tickets, invite a friend to join you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Mr.Married said:


> Yeah but just imagine she went there with her cousin or mother or something. It would be the same result. Don't think of it as just because it was with an ex. Her reaction would still be the same.


The problem is that it was with an ex and she keeps bringing that fact up. The problem isn’t the fact she doesn’t like the places it is the ex’s she keeps bringing into the relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Lostinthought61 said:


> curious have you brought up exes before and what has been her feedback...this who thing about not going somewhere because she did not have a good time is BS...and i would tell her that i guess i will go alone. you have to nip this in the bid asap otherwise this will layout your entire marriage.


I think this is his first relationship, he has no ex’s.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



SunWhiskey said:


> If he was plan B, there's no fixing it now. It already happened. Insecurity will only make things worse. This is fact.


The relationship is already over if op is plan B. He just doesn’t know it yet.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*

In your previous thread, you and your wife were having issues with intimacy, did that get resolved?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Rubix Cubed said:


> It also frames the marriage as her being in charge.


This is the evolution of "plan B" marriages. "Plan A man" is one she can't be "in charge" with. She can't make him conform to her desires for security and support. 

"Plan B" man is less experienced and less successful at dating. Naturally, when paired with an experienced woman, he is going to feel inadequate and insecure. 

"...but, after all, I married YOU..." is gaslighting, and avoids the real question of "why" she married him, when she gave the best parts of herself to other men.....


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



TJW said:


> This is the evolution of "plan B" marriages. "Plan A man" is one she can't be "in charge" with. She can't make him conform to her desires for security and support.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



While I don’t really agree with this, it’s important for women to understand that many men have this fear. You don’t want your H thinking that you’ve “had your fun,” got that out of your system, and now you’ve retired to a life of mediocrity with a Plan B man. The real men got your best/fun and H gets the responsibility. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



CraigBesuden said:


> The real men got your best/fun and H gets the responsibility.


It's not just a fear. It's the reality for countless of us. It's the affair which can't be called an affair, the "duck" which can't be called a "duck", even though it quacks and waddles.

And, your descriptor "real men" says it all. We know this is how our wife feels.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> SunWhiskey said:
> 
> 
> > Funny thing.
> ...


Exactly, I’m not sure if it’s the actual mention of exes that I don’t like. I came very close to discussing the issue with her, but decided not to since I’m not sure if that’s what bothers me. It’s that fact that they seemed more able to influence her than I am. 

Here’s an example. On my birthday we went out to a sports bar for dinner. She eventually mentioned the fact she had been there with an ex who wanted to watch a sporting event that night. I wasn’t upset about the word ex, I was more upset about her describing herself as more willing to please someone else by doing something she had no interest in. I can’t imagine her saying yes to me asking her to do the same. There are more stories like this as well. I wouldn’t mind mentions of exes if they didn’t stir up feelings of rejection inside me. Now I associate the word “ex” with guys who got a more open version of my wife. 

Last September I decided to start asking for things I wanted more often. Instead of criticizing mentions of exes or herself, I decided see I was just failing to communicate well. It hasn’t been overly successful. I constantly try to compliment her, and share with her things I enjoy. For example, I told her that’s she beautiful and I love when she gets a new outfit or haircut and sends me a beautiful picture of herself. I’ve told her this about 7 times over the last year, but it never happens (she did online dating in the past and was fine posting pictures for that, it makes me feel hurt) When something so simple never happens, it’s hard to take anything to the next level. It’s like more effort was put into trying to keep/get guys who didn’t want to settle down, as opposed to trying to keep what is mostly a great marriage fun. I know that she loves and cares about me. I just want to have a little more fun, and sometimes it feels that was taken by other guys. That’s why the word “ex” is something I don’t love hearing.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Seeker72 said:


> It’s like more effort was put into trying to keep/get guys who didn’t want to settle down, as opposed to trying to keep what is mostly a great marriage fun. I know that she loves and cares about me. I just want to have a little more fun, and sometimes it feels that was taken by other guys. That’s why the word “ex” is something I don’t love hearing.


You should explain this to her. Her exes probably did get a more open version of her. She feels more comfortable with you and will tell you no. The person who has the power is the person who cares the least, so she probably did more for them because they cared less. You are getting a more honest version of her.

We often put out the best food and dinnerware for our guests, and the family we love gets lesser treatment. She was dressed up nice for those guys and now she’s in sweatpants for you. It doesn’t seem fair.

If she understands how it makes you feel, she may be more willing to be accommodating.

Of course, if she fears that you’re withdrawing and willing to divorce her over this (ie, you are the person who cares the least about the marriage), she will likely be willing to do those things with you. But that’s not a good place for either of you to be. She should be willing to accommodate because she cares about your feelings, not out of fear.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> It’s like more effort was put into trying to keep/get guys who didn’t want to settle down


I get it. Fully. It makes me feel like the other guys were "worth" more to her than me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Seeker72 said:


> Exactly, I’m not sure if it’s the actual mention of exes that I don’t like. I came very close to discussing the issue with her, but decided not to since I’m not sure if that’s what bothers me. It’s that fact that they seemed more able to influence her than I am.
> 
> Here’s an example. On my birthday we went out to a sports bar for dinner. She eventually mentioned the fact she had been there with an ex who wanted to watch a sporting event that night. I wasn’t upset about the word ex, I was more upset about her describing herself as more willing to please someone else by doing something she had no interest in. I can’t imagine her saying yes to me asking her to do the same. There are more stories like this as well. I wouldn’t mind mentions of exes if they didn’t stir up feelings of rejection inside me. Now I associate the word “ex” with guys who got a more open version of my wife.
> 
> Last September I decided to start asking for things I wanted more often. Instead of criticizing mentions of exes or herself, I decided see I was just failing to communicate well. It hasn’t been overly successful. I constantly try to compliment her, and share with her things I enjoy. For example, I told her that’s she beautiful and I love when she gets a new outfit or haircut and sends me a beautiful picture of herself. I’ve told her this about 7 times over the last year, but it never happens (she did online dating in the past and was fine posting pictures for that, it makes me feel hurt) When something so simple never happens, it’s hard to take anything to the next level. It’s like more effort was put into trying to keep/get guys who didn’t want to settle down, as opposed to trying to keep what is mostly a great marriage fun. I know that she loves and cares about me. I just want to have a little more fun, and sometimes it feels that was taken by other guys. That’s why the word “ex” is something I don’t love hearing.


Was she ever like that with you? The pics, sporting events, etc. In other words, did she bait you and then switch after marriage?


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Was she ever like that with you? The pics, sporting events, etc. In other words, did she bait you and then switch after marriage?[/QUOTE]

Not really. Early on in our relationship she established many of her do’s and don’ts. One of them being I’m free to go places that I enjoy, but it’s ok if we have our separate interests, and she doesn’t need to go places she doesn’t enjoy. She would occasionally send pictures when she had a new outfit or something, but seemed to stop when I told her that I liked her doing that. The problem is I didn’t know the extent she went to go along with things other guys wanted, until we were married and she started sharing those stories.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> Early on in our relationship she established many of her do’s and don’ts. One of them being I’m free to go places that I enjoy, but it’s ok if we have our separate interests, and she doesn’t need to go places she doesn’t enjoy.... The problem is I didn’t know the extent she went to go along with things other guys wanted, until we were married and she started sharing those stories.


Don’t you think it’s possible that she regrets having gone along with things she didn’t want? And that’s why she made it clear early in your relationship that she wasn’t going to do that?

I like to go to a lot of places that my wife doesn’t enjoy. She says the same thing. If I want to go to a restaurant she doesn’t like or go to the sports bar, I can do it by myself or with guy friends. Sometimes I’ll go to a bar with her father, watch a football game while we play pool.

A lot of what I enjoy are “single young people” type of stuff, like having a drink at a bar. She did those things with female friends in her twenties, not her exes, but she’s “over it” and thinks the reason I’m not over it is that I missed the traditional college experience and post-college hanging out. Maybe, maybe not. But she doesn’t want to do those things anymore.

A person has to be able to change, grow, and learn. There are mistakes we’ve all made in being too accommodating to others. For example, my wife allowed a female “friend” to mentally abuse her and degrade her for years. She finally stood up for herself and rejected that friend. The fact that she put up with stuff in her past shouldn’t require her to continue making the same mistakes forever. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Was she ever like that with you? The pics, sporting events, etc. In other words, did she bait you and then switch after marriage?


Not really. Early on in our relationship she established many of her do’s and don’ts. One of them being I’m free to go places that I enjoy, but it’s ok if we have our separate interests, and she doesn’t need to go places she doesn’t enjoy. She would occasionally send pictures when she had a new outfit or something, but seemed to stop when I told her that I liked her doing that. The problem is I didn’t know the extent she went to go along with things other guys wanted, until we were married and she started sharing those stories.[/QUOTE]

I'd just put my cards on the table. Don't get whiny or needy, just let her know how you are feeling when she shoots you down while mentioning some butthead you have nothing to do with.

It would piss me off that she even included her past as an imposition on our present.

She has pretty much already soured the relationship when she could have easily just left it at what she doesn't want to do without bringing up guys she already did it with.

Not too bright is she? At least regarding nurturing healthy relationships, she isn't.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

ABHale said:


> In your previous thread, you and your wife were having issues with intimacy, did that get resolved?


Much better, but I still don’t feel confident enough to suggest things I’d like to try. Mostly because throughout our relationship she has verbally established all the things she “doesn’t do”. I never asked for any of those things (yet), but for whatever reason at random times she felt the need to tell me everything she won’t do. I never reacted by saying anything at the time, but now that I’ve thought about it, I think how’s she know what she doesn’t like? It doesn’t feel good when I think of the answer. It really shuts down a lot, and I feel it’s unfair to our relationship. I’d rather she would have waited for me to suggest things before shutting them down. Now I feel like I can’t suggest anything.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > Not really. Early on in our relationship she established many of her do’s and don’ts. One of them being I’m free to go places that I enjoy, but it’s ok if we have our separate interests, and she doesn’t need to go places she doesn’t enjoy. She would occasionally send pictures when she had a new outfit or something, but seemed to stop when I told her that I liked her doing that. The problem is I didn’t know the extent she went to go along with things other guys wanted, until we were married and she started sharing those stories.
> ...


Bingo. I don't know why she would bring up her exes. Maybe she feels so comfortable with you that she lacks a filter. On one hand,that kind of vulnerability is a beautiful thing. On the other, it could be painful to the person hearing the things she's sharing.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Lila said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > Seeker72 said:
> ...


Yeah, I appreciate her comfort level with me, that’s why I haven’t been too critical. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t share her deepest feelings. I wish the exes were left out of those conversations as well. She has mentioned a lot of things over the past few years that she doesn’t like doing, without me ever mentioning those things. It took a while to begin to feel like that’s a bit controlling for my liking (although she might not mean it that way). How can we keep our marriage fresh and fun when there are so many things that I’m not supposed to ask for? Yet she at least tried those things with exes. That’s why I’m not real fond of hearing about exes in our random conversations. Otherwise, I wouldn’t care. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels they are part of our everyday life with her baggage.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Seeker72 said:


> Yeah, I appreciate her comfort level with me, that’s why I haven’t been too critical. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t share her deepest feelings. I wish the exes were left out of those conversations as well. *She has mentioned a lot of things over the past few years that she doesn’t like doing, without me ever mentioning those things*. It took a while to begin to feel like that’s a bit controlling for my liking (although she might not mean it that way). How can we keep our marriage fresh and fun when there are so many things that I’m not supposed to ask for? Yet she at least tried those things with exes. That’s why I’m not real fond of hearing about exes in our random conversations. Otherwise, I wouldn’t care. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels they are part of our everyday life with her baggage.


So she just randomly says things "I don't like watching hockey" out of the blue? Without prompting?

Does she being up sexual things she did with exes to you?


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Lila said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah, I appreciate her comfort level with me, that’s why I haven’t been too critical. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t share her deepest feelings. I wish the exes were left out of those conversations as well. *She has mentioned a lot of things over the past few years that she doesn’t like doing, without me ever mentioning those things*. It took a while to begin to feel like that’s a bit controlling for my liking (although she might not mean it that way). How can we keep our marriage fresh and fun when there are so many things that I’m not supposed to ask for? Yet she at least tried those things with exes. That’s why I’m not real fond of hearing about exes in our random conversations. Otherwise, I wouldn’t care. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels they are part of our everyday life with her baggage.
> ...


Yes, it usually comes up quite randomly. She has frequently, but not recently mentioned sexual things. She never mentions exes when she makes those comments. She usually makes a statements about how she finds “fill in the blank” degrading, uncomfortable, no fun, or pointless. It’s tough to hear because it usually sounds like it comes from previous experience. 

I get the fact that we all learn about ourselves from past experiences. That’s how we know our likes and dislikes. Just because she tried something doesn’t mean she has to try it again. My issue with the sexual comments is that she’s remarking on things I never mentioned. All it has done is close the door on so many things I might have suggested. I would have appreciated the ability to approach our relationship as new and unique, as opposed to knowing what’s off limits before even asking. I think that’s another reason I have difficulty hearing the word ex. Her past experiences seem to frame what we as a married couple are allowed to be.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> I think that’s another reason I have difficulty hearing the word ex. Her past experiences seem to frame what we as a married couple are allowed to be.


I think you should talk to her about it. Good relationships are about communication. She may have NO idea how she is coming across and the message she is giving you. Of course, HOW you tell her will be important too. If you act accusatory, she will act defensive. If you say "you may not realize this is how it's coming across to me" it gives her a chance to calmly think about it and respond.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



ConanHub said:


> Not too bright is she? At least regarding nurturing healthy relationships, she isn't.


Yeah, I had an ex who'd tell me about sexual experiences she'd had. It made me think she was kind of "on the spectrum".


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Yes, it usually comes up quite randomly. She has frequently, but not recently mentioned sexual things. She never mentions exes when she makes those comments. She usually makes a statements about how she finds “fill in the blank” degrading, uncomfortable, no fun, or pointless. It’s tough to hear because it usually sounds like it comes from previous experience.


So this is a two pronged issue. 

1) Unless your wife is psychotic, which doesn't sound to be the case, I think something is definitely prompting her to bring up those topics with you but it may not be you. For example, she may have read an article or seen something on television or her friends brought it up or she overheard a conversation. She seems to feel close enough to you where she feels she can discuss these topic openly with you without fear of consequences.


2) "It’s tough to hear because it usually sounds like it comes from previous experience." Therapists call this a Thinking Trap. Mind-Reading to be specific. It's where you believe that you know what the other is thinking and you assume it's coming from the worst possible source. You're filling the unknowns (i.e. why does she find xyz degrading, uncomfortable, no fun?) with the worst possible assumptions (i.e. because she's done it before with an ex). 

#1 can be resolved simply by talking with her about the topic at hand. She is obviously bringing it up for a reason. Ask her if there is something that's bothering her about it and if she would like to discuss it, then let her talk. You will learn more about her _actual_ opinions on the topic by sitting quietly and listening than by avoiding the topic all together. And just know that you are under no obligation to agree with her. Give your opinion if asked and if this is not something you feel equipped to handle, then tell her so. You are not her therapist.

#2 is something you need to work on resolving. When you fall into this mind trap, stop, take a deep breath and ask yourself "what evidence do I have to back up my thinking?". In other words, "is my line of thinking true or just me filling the gap with the worst case scenario".



Seeker72 said:


> I get the fact that we all learn about ourselves from past experiences. That’s how we know our likes and dislikes. Just because she tried something doesn’t mean she has to try it again. My issue with the sexual comments is that she’s remarking on things I never mentioned. All it has done is close the door on so many things I might have suggested. I would have appreciated the ability to approach our relationship as new and unique, as opposed to knowing what’s off limits before even asking. I think that’s another reason I have difficulty hearing the word ex. Her past experiences seem to frame what we as a married couple are allowed to be.


Your first and last sentence seem to be in contrast with each other. On one hand you are saying that we learn about ourselves from our past experiences and that she doesn't have to try things she doesn't want to try, but on the other you are saying her "hard boundaries" are keeping you from approaching your relationship as new and unique. Are you saying that would prefer if she waited to reject trying "xyz" until you asked for it?


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Lila said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, it usually comes up quite randomly. She has frequently, but not recently mentioned sexual things. She never mentions exes when she makes those comments. She usually makes a statements about how she finds “fill in the blank” degrading, uncomfortable, no fun, or pointless. It’s tough to hear because it usually sounds like it comes from previous experience.
> ...


I get the confusion. I just meant I don’t like that she feels the need to take control by telling me everything she doesn’t like before I ever mention it. Now if I want to spice things up, I have no clue what I can suggest because I’ve already been told no to so much I can think of. My point is that learning what you don’t like is fine, but closing the door to so much is unfair to a relationship. I’d rather get rejected, and have a real conversation about it as opposed to hearing her randomly say “my friends think I’m a prude, well I didn’t enjoy doing xyz”. 

As far as the mind trap, the way she shares these stories usually indicate experience when she make statements such as “it felt degrading” or “I didn’t have fun doing it”. I don’t think that’s making assumptions it comes from experience when phrased in that manner.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I think it's reasonable for you (in a non confrontational or critical tone) to request that she stop referencing her 'X's.
Why? because it's easy for her to do and she should be receptive to such a low cost request from you.

She can still express her opinions, preferences and past experiences.

With respect to her stating that she finds some sex act to be humiliating. Self respect is critical in a life partner. I think you should reframe that as positive (if only because she's being honest). 

However, if you are unsatisfied with your sex life. I suggest a sex therapy class that provides a formal structured mental & physical experience with plenty of opportunity to experiment - and a safe environment to discuss things.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> I get the fact that we all learn about ourselves from past experiences. That’s how we know our likes and dislikes. Just because she tried something doesn’t mean she has to try it again.


Okay, so if she did A, B and C in her past and didn’t like them, you don’t feel that she needs to try them again.



> My issue with the sexual comments is that she’s remarking on things I never mentioned. All it has done is close the door on so many things I might have suggested. I would have appreciated the ability to approach our relationship as new and unique, as opposed to knowing what’s off limits before even asking.


So you would be okay with suggesting A or B or C, and her responding at that time that she’s not interested because she did it before and doesn’t like it?



> I think that’s another reason I have difficulty hearing the word ex. Her past experiences seem to frame what we as a married couple are allowed to be.


If she would have tried A, B and C with you, except for the fact that she’s already done those things with others and knows she doesn’t like them, then her past experiences ARE framing what you are allowed to do ... regardless of whether she tells you “no” reactively or preemptively, and regardless of whether she mentions the word “ex.”


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Robert22205 said:


> I think it's reasonable for you (in a non confrontational or critical tone) to request that she stop referencing her 'X's.
> Why? because it's easy for her to do and she should be receptive to such a low cost request from you.
> 
> She can still express her opinions, preferences and past experiences.
> ...


. 

I agree, and everyone regardless of how open minded have boundaries. I’m glad that she has some dignity, it’s just the fact that she throws out words like degrading a bit too liberally too often imo. I also want her to share past experiences, but the way she does it is brutal. 

Take this gem she told me for example “I had exes who always wanted me to wear sexy nightgowns and stuff like that. It always felt awfully uncomfortable to me, I’m not into that”. So as her husband how does sharing experiences like that benefit our marriage? Now I feel like I could never suggest such a thing, even if just for rare special occasions. There’s too much lack of open mindedness, and using exes in the story doesn’t help my confidence.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Seeker72, Oh boy! Do I ever see a controller here. She's got you on this site wondering what the heel you can say to her. Drop the ****ing ball right in her lap! Tell what is and is not to your liking, and if she doesn't like it, she can take her TS
card in and have it punched. Look pal, this person knows EXACTLY what she's doing to you, and likely enjoys it. Probably she's telling her female friends how she leads you around by the nose.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> .
> 
> I agree, and everyone regardless of how open minded have boundaries. I’m glad that she has some dignity, it’s just the fact that she throws out words like degrading a bit too liberally too often imo. I also want her to share past experiences, but the way she does it is brutal.
> 
> Take this gem she told me for example “I had exes who always wanted me to wear sexy nightgowns and stuff like that. It always felt awfully uncomfortable to me, I’m not into that”. So as her husband how does sharing experiences like that benefit our marriage? Now I feel like I could never suggest such a thing, even if just for rare special occasions. There’s too much lack of open mindedness, and using exes in the story doesn’t help my confidence.


She honestly sounds incredibly controlling and very much a turn off.

I'm not trying to be insulting but do you have self esteem issues?

I'm trying to figure out why you ended up with her?

She seems very undesirable to this barbarian.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Exactly, I’m not sure if it’s the actual mention of exes that I don’t like. I came very close to discussing the issue with her, but decided not to since I’m not sure if that’s what bothers me. It’s that fact that they seemed more able to influence her than I am.
> 
> Here’s an example. On my birthday we went out to a sports bar for dinner. She eventually mentioned the fact she had been there with an ex who wanted to watch a sporting event that night. I wasn’t upset about the word ex, I was more upset about her describing herself as more willing to please someone else by doing something she had no interest in. I can’t imagine her saying yes to me asking her to do the same. There are more stories like this as well. I wouldn’t mind mentions of exes if they didn’t stir up feelings of rejection inside me. Now I associate the word “ex” with guys who got a more open version of my wife.
> 
> Last September I decided to start asking for things I wanted more often. Instead of criticizing mentions of exes or herself, I decided see I was just failing to communicate well. It hasn’t been overly successful. I constantly try to compliment her, and share with her things I enjoy. For example, I told her that’s she beautiful and I love when she gets a new outfit or haircut and sends me a beautiful picture of herself. I’ve told her this about 7 times over the last year, but it never happens (she did online dating in the past and was fine posting pictures for that, it makes me feel hurt) When something so simple never happens, it’s hard to take anything to the next level. It’s like more effort was put into trying to keep/get guys who didn’t want to settle down, as opposed to trying to keep what is mostly a great marriage fun. I know that she loves and cares about me. I just want to have a little more fun, and sometimes it feels that was taken by other guys. That’s why the word “ex” is something I don’t love hearing.


This is exactly what you need to tell your wife.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You need to talk with her.

I’m not big into lingerie. But if my wife said that and I might want her to do it on occasion, I would tell her that. And I’d hear her response. Are you sure that she was trying to tell you not to ask? She won’t do something in private that makes her feel a little uncomfortable to please her husband? Really?

I don’t know whether she feels comfortable enough to be honest with you (a good thing) or if she’s controlling as others suggest. If you never ask or push back, you will never know.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Much better, but I still don’t feel confident enough to suggest things I’d like to try. Mostly because throughout our relationship she has verbally established all the things she “doesn’t do”. I never asked for any of those things (yet), but for whatever reason at random times she felt the need to tell me everything she won’t do. I never reacted by saying anything at the time, but now that I’ve thought about it, I think how’s she know what she doesn’t like? It doesn’t feel good when I think of the answer. It really shuts down a lot, and I feel it’s unfair to our relationship. I’d rather she would have waited for me to suggest things before shutting them down. Now I feel like I can’t suggest anything.


So she had ALL of her fun before she met you. So tough luck to you, you don’t get to experiment. 

She definitely picked you as a safe husband. 

She is your first right.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

ABHale said:


> This is exactly what you need to tell your wife.


Yes. You need to talk with your wife about your relationship. What’s good, what could be improved, etc. She’s your WIFE. The reason they have marriage counseling is because a lot of couples just won’t talk in an honest way.



> Much better, but I still don’t feel confident enough to suggest things I’d like to try.


Then work on your confidence. It can’t hurt to ask. She doesn’t bite.

(She did bite with her exes, though... sorry, I couldn’t resist.)


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

CraigBesuden said:


> You need to talk with her.
> 
> I’m not big into lingerie. But if my wife said that and I might want her to do it on occasion, I would tell her that. And I’d hear her response. Are you sure that she was trying to tell you not to ask? She won’t do something in private that makes her feel a little uncomfortable to please her husband? Really?
> 
> I don’t know whether she feels comfortable enough to be honest with you (a good thing) or if she’s controlling as others suggest. If you never ask or push back, you will never know.





CraigBesuden said:


> ABHale said:
> 
> 
> > This is exactly what you need to tell your wife.
> ...


I think that’s what bothers me the most. You made the statement “She won’t do something in private that makes her feel a little uncomfortable to please her husband? Really?” I think the answer to that question is no which is what I find unsettling about an otherwise good marriage. 

In a previous post I mentioned I told her how much I’d enjoy the occasional random picture of her, since I don’t have any. I’ve told her this probably seven times since last year. I finally asked her several months ago if my saying that made her feel uncomfortable or something, and she said that it didn’t at all. Needless to say, I still have no pictures of her. I know, that’s a silly example, but things like that don’t give me much confidence to take things further. It doesn’t feel like I’ll get what I ask for.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

*Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*

If that’s the case, that may be a reason that she picked you for a husband. You don’t ask her to do things that make her uncomfortable. The downside is that you are secretly, quietly feeling deprived. Instead of feeling like the winner who got the girl, you feel like the loser who missed out on the fun. You bought the dried-up cow and they got the milk for free.

If you want something, ask her. The worst that can happen is she says no.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I think your communication style may be lacking. Take the idea of her sending you photos for instance. You dropped hints about it for months and were frustrated she didn’t pick up on that. I know this is a sexist comment, but that is how many women communicate their needs, with hints and mind-reading, and they too are disappointed. Try “Send me a pic of you in that purple dress. You looked so good this morning I almost didn’t let you leave for work”. 

Same thing with the intimacy issues. Why are you suggesting or asking? Just start! Personally I respond much better now to “bend over” than I do to “what do you think about trying xyz?” The former gets a “yes sir!” and the latter gets me listing the reason why xyz is not a good idea. 

I am totally going to project here because your post sort of triggered me. I had dated a few real “jerks” before I married my first husband. I put jerks in quotes because they were fun, but what they wanted was the only priority and I went along to be along. The guy right before I met BC1 was the worst - and to be dumped by someone who I followed like a puppy and degraded myself for was a huge hit to my self esteem. I sought out a “nice guy” to marry and made strict rules to protect myself. But those “rules” sucked the life out of our marriage and intimate life, and his self-worth. And he was too “nice” to speak up. Until he cheated, which was not nice. But I do wonder what would have happened if he had ever taken an alpha role in our relationship and made me own my ****. Of course in hindsight it isn’t fair to expect him to change a toxic dynamic that I set up, but I don’t know if it would’ve changed without a change from him. Unfortunately he chose the nuclear option of cheating and I eventually changed for someone else, someone very direct about their expectations. 

Again, all projection on my part. I am not your wife and she may have totally different reasons for being rigid. But I still think you need to be MUCH more direct in your requests. You sound like a very nice man. Too nice.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

You haven't answered my question. How much talking/counseling did you do before getting married?
Do you have kids?

You may want to read my threads.

My wife had unpleasant memories of which she lied about before we got married.
Once we had kids, she had all the control. She threatened to take them away and I would not be able to see them.
I always wanted to be a dad, so I passed the time by taking them hunting, fishing, baseball games, etc. Very little intimacy.

Once my youngest got his drivers license so he could come visit me if we got divorced, I informed my wife that she either was going to counseling or we were getting divorced.

I told her "I married you because I wanted a intimate relationship with you, not to be told you've been there done that with someone else, so you don't want to do it with me!"

I'm in my 50's, my body is giving out from years of working. I couldn't do some sex positions now (that I have always wanted to), because I'm getting old.

Your wife is cheating you. She may be carrying hurt from past relationships, but she has no respect/care for your needs.

I took my wife to counseling so I could state my needs in front of a third party so there was a witness.

I told her "I am NOT living like this anymore, we either start having sex on a regular basis or I an DONE"
I said it so angrily counselor thought I was threatening harm. I told counselor "I would never hurt wife, but i WILL divorce her"

Resentment will continue to build in you. I don't care how patient a person you are, not having a intimate relationship, which is how you want to bond with your wife, will wear your down and turn you into a miserable resentful old man.

Deal with it BEFORE you have kids!


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

*Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*

Notice what BluesClues said. She didn’t say she “had her fun” with the jerks and decided to settle down for a boring life with a boring guy. She was sick of being unhappy and used by jerks and went in a different (and better) direction. The problem is the nice guy let her go too far, and he sat there silently stewing until he cheated.

Yes, you need to “man up” a little bit. Don’t be afraid to be direct. Sometimes she will say no and that’s okay.

Make it clear to her how desirable she is. Instead of asking to have sex, just take her, acting as if she’s so gorgeous and sexy that you can’t help but ravage her. It will turn her on. Tell her directly that you want those pictures. A lot of women like a nice guy in public but a bad boy in the bedroom. (The male version of the madonna/***** complex.)

If you are too afraid to communicate with your wife, you will have marital problems. It sounds like you already are. Communicating your needs will not disgust her or offend her. You are both important. She sounds pretty willing to tell you how she feels about things unprompted - why not respond in kind?




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

CraigBesuden said:


> Notice what BluesClues said. She didn’t say she “had her fun” with the jerks and decided to settle down for a boring life with a boring guy. She was sick of being unhappy and used by jerks and went in a different (and better) direction. The problem is the nice guy let her go too far, silently stewing until he cheated.
> 
> Yes, you need to “man up” a little bit. Don’t be afraid to be direct. Sometimes she will say no and that’s okay.
> 
> ...


Solid advice, it just gets frustrating because I shower her with compliments on a regular basis, and it has done nothing to improve the situation. Instead, she just continues to vent about how unattractive she thinks she is, and I continue to get nothing I want.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Seeker72 said:


> In a previous post I mentioned I told her how much I’d enjoy the occasional random picture of her, since I don’t have any. I’ve told her this probably seven times since last year. I finally asked her several months ago if my saying that made her feel uncomfortable or something, and she said that it didn’t at all. Needless to say, I still have no pictures of her. I know, that’s a silly example, but things like that don’t give me much confidence to take things further. It doesn’t feel like I’ll get what I ask for.


WTH? 


You tell her you love to see pictures of her new outfits and would enjoy photos, but she never sends them. Then you ask why no pictures and she says nothing is wrong, while still sending zero pictures.

So, IMO, this her way of being passive aggressive and telling you to back off. Your wife has communication issues, which help to feed your understandable insecurities.

I now understand why you do not like this dynamic. She tells you out of the blue what she does and does not like, then reinforces her meanings with passive aggressive non-answers and actions.

You need to address this directly before this gets worse.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > In a previous post I mentioned I told her how much I’d enjoy the occasional random picture of her, since I don’t have any. I’ve told her this probably seven times since last year. I finally asked her several months ago if my saying that made her feel uncomfortable or something, and she said that it didn’t at all. Needless to say, I still have no pictures of her. I know, that’s a silly example, but things like that don’t give me much confidence to take things further. It doesn’t feel like I’ll get what I ask for.
> ...


Yeah, you seem to understand how I feel quite well. I took it as a passive aggressive way of telling me to back off as well. Some other posters have suggested that I just need to tell her what I want. Typically, that would be a fine suggestion, but her entire response to my comments on the pic thing made me very hesitant to ask for anything else. It’s all very confusing to me, and I don’t love the game playing.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Regarding the thread title, I don't think mentioning your ex in casual conversation is a big deal. I could pretend to have amnesia covering the span of my first marriage, but my wife is not an idiot. I did once apologize for having so many stories from then, but my wife shrugged and said "It was the biggest part of your life for x years. Why wouldn't you talk about it?"

I would never compare my wife unfavorably to my ex, but that is just tact. I likewise would never tell her she isn't as pretty as my sister, nor would I tell my sister she isn't as pretty as my wife. This seems obvious to me.

But I would object to inheriting all the bad stuff they did. It is one thing to say "I went there once and thought it sucked, I don't want to go back." It is quite another to say "I went there once and the person I was with behaved like an ass so I don't want to go back." , whether the travelling companion was a BF or not. There is a saying, it works for either gender. "I'm not him. If you want to get even w/ him, you'll have to get him back."


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Solid advice, it just gets frustrating because I shower her with compliments on a regular basis, and it has done nothing to improve the situation. Instead, she just continues to vent about how unattractive she thinks she is, and I continue to get nothing I want.


Stop showing her with anything. 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Yeah, you seem to understand how I feel quite well. I took it as a passive aggressive way of telling me to back off as well. Some other posters have suggested that I just need to tell her what I want. Typically, that would be a fine suggestion, but her entire response to my comments on the pic thing made me very hesitant to ask for anything else. It’s all very confusing to me, and I don’t love the game playing.


I tend to pop in threads late now because new posters give more information. You have been direct, she's the one passive aggressively dropping hints. Many men come here with retroactive jealousy so, I think you are getting advice based on those threads. I see a ton of "why should she do what she doesn't like" and questions about your insecurity. 

Sorry, it is outright assinie to limit everything because of an ex. People have fixated on sex because it is the only argument where "no one should tell a woman what to do because of an ex" works in your example. That doesn't work with hockey games, Bars, photos, trips, restaurants or other adventures. This is where you have a right to be insecure. She constantly shoots you down for sex acts, trips, dinner, photos and other things that you now have no idea how to have fun or suprise her. You are now insecure and goose stepping.

Yet, you can rattle off everything she dislikes and hates because of her constant hint dropping of the exs.

Let me explain how stupid this sounds to me. I saw a couple of AWFUL movies with an ex, I still see movies with my wife. Yes, some even in the same theaters.


Know your worth and explan it to her.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

It’s possible that she wants the relationship to be 100% about her. (Except on your birthday, when she will allow you to pick the place.)

She was the nice passive partner, got mistreated by *******s, finally came to her senses, and decided to “turn heel.” She will only do whatever she wants from now on. She targeted an inexperienced nice guy (who asked out whom?) and ran the relationship purely selfishly. She won’t do anything unless she wants to do it herself, and won’t go anywhere she doesn’t want to go, with zero regard for what you want. She’s treating you the way she was treated. Finally she’s in a relationship where she feels happy and safe, and now the two of you are married.

As another poster wrote, if she wants revenge against exes, she can’t get that by mistreating you. And there are other options for her than being either an ******* or a doormat. She can lead the relationship and have it 80/20 about her, for example. But she needs to take your wants and desires into consideration.

But that’s just speculation. The only person who knows why your wife did a 180 is your wife, and the only person here who can speak with her is you.

The two of you need to start communicating directly. For example: “I asked you for more pictures but you never sent me any. Why not?” Instead of asking if your request offended her. Not necessarily because she misunderstood your question but to prevent her from weaseling out the way she did. Does she only want to send pictures when it’s her idea? Does she enjoy depriving you of something you want to show her dominance?

How long have you two been together? How long have you been married?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Not really. *Early on in our relationship she established many of her do’s and don’ts*. One of them being I’m free to go places that I enjoy, but it’s ok if we have our separate interests, and she doesn’t need to go places she doesn’t enjoy. She would occasionally send pictures when she had a new outfit or something, but seemed to stop when I told her that I liked her doing that. The problem is I didn’t know the extent she went to go along with things other guys wanted, until we were married and she started sharing those stories.


I don't think you have Retroactive Jealousy but I do think you are experiencing Buyer's Remorse. You did the thing many, many women do. You married a person hoping they would change. 

You married a stick in the mud, period. Regardless of her reasons for being a stick-in-the-mud, you chose to marry her. Take some responsibility over your situation. You are stirring up resentment within yourself. See a therapist. Figure out why you are blaming your wife for your unmet expectations after she showed you through her words and actions exactly who she was before marriage. And before you tell me "but I'm only upset because she shares that she did it with exes" ask yourself if it would still upset you if she kept that information to herself but still rejected your suggestions.

She is who she is. Your only options are to accept her as she is or not but you are not going to change her. 

Do you have to sit there quietly and accept her stringent lifestyle? Absolutely not. You have agency. You can start by expressing your needs in a direct manner without whining or bringing up the past. Be specific. Then ask her if she's willing to meet those needs. Ask, don't suggest. Don't hedge or be passive. Flat out ask. She will either say "yes" or "no". Eg. "will you wear lingerie for me Friday night?". If she says "no" you can ask her why but it really doesn't matter. You have an answer. If it's a "no", do not sit there ruminating over it. If it becomes unbearable, you can divorce and look for a more compatible partner. 

All of this to say, the worse thing you can do is let resentment brew within you. Blaming your partner for being who she is is an excellent way to build resentment. Don't let it. Be proactive.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Lila said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > Not really. *Early on in our relationship she established many of her do’s and don’ts*. One of them being I’m free to go places that I enjoy, but it’s ok if we have our separate interests, and she doesn’t need to go places she doesn’t enjoy. She would occasionally send pictures when she had a new outfit or something, but seemed to stop when I told her that I liked her doing that. The problem is I didn’t know the extent she went to go along with things other guys wanted, until we were married and she started sharing those stories.
> ...


I realize I said that she established do’s and don’ts early in the relationship, but I didn’t elaborate. It was much easier to tolerate then because I accepted her as a stubborn and conservative woman. Her positive traits far outweighed the things she refused to do. Now several years into marriage it feels more like a slap in the face that she refuses so much. It wasn’t until after we we got married that she started sharing all the ex stories, and how she already did everything that she won’t do with me. She shared certain activities she doesn’t like doing before marriage, and it wasn’t until after marriage that she mentioned the sexual stuff at all. Early on I accepted her as who she was, I didn’t knew that it was because other relationships impacted ours. It completely changed my prospective.

I also have spoken (just me) with therapists to help avoid resentment issues. They both suggested that communication is crucial, and compromises need to be reached. My only frustration is that she doesn’t seem to do anything she’s not 100% on board with. I don’t see someone occasionally willing to do things just to keep their partner happy. I always thought a good relationship of any type was supposed to have that ability.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Solid advice, it just gets frustrating because I shower her with compliments on a regular basis, and it has done nothing to improve the situation. Instead, *she just continues to vent about how unattractive she thinks she is,* and I continue to get nothing I want.


Give her what she wants - agree with her. 

Have you stated your ages and how long you've been married? Has your sex life improved to more than once a month?

From where you sit; you married a woman who has been there, done that and burned the t-shirts. She's all used up. Now, that she has her baby she really doesn't want or need to accommodate you. You two are in different life phases.

Just what is it about this marriage that classifies it as a 'good' marriage?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> I think that’s what bothers me the most. You made the statement “She won’t do something in private that makes her feel a little uncomfortable to please her husband? Really?” I think the answer to that question is no which is what I find unsettling about an otherwise good marriage.
> 
> In a previous post I mentioned I told her how much I’d enjoy the occasional random picture of her, since I don’t have any. I’ve told her this probably seven times since last year. I finally asked her several months ago if my saying that made her feel uncomfortable or something, and she said that it didn’t at all. Needless to say, I still have no pictures of her. I know, that’s a silly example, but things like that don’t give me much confidence to take things further. It doesn’t feel like I’ll get what I ask for.


Ask her to send you a picture of how you want to see her STRAIGHT OUT. Don't "suggest", or hint, or just tell her you like it. Just flat out ask her to do it. And then if she doesn't (within a reasonable time), ask her why? And DON'T let her BS or put you off. Tell her it is something YOU really want from her. I'm sure YOU do all sorts of stuff for her that you'd rather not, so why can't she?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> I also have spoken (just me) with therapists to help avoid resentment issues. They both suggested that communication is crucial, and compromises need to be reached.


But it doesn’t sound like you are really communicating with her. Everyone is telling you to be clear and direct with her but you are afraid. 



> My only frustration is that she doesn’t seem to do anything she’s not 100% on board with. I don’t see someone occasionally willing to do things just to keep their partner happy. I always thought a good relationship of any type was supposed to have that ability.


She needs to understand that she married somebody who was inexperienced and if you can’t do those things with her, you’ll never get the chance to do them. It’s not all about her.

She said if you want to go somewhere she doesn’t, go there on your own. Then, after marriage, she threw in the sexual restrictions. Will she allow you to go to another woman to experience the things she doesn’t want to do with you?

I’m guessing the “degrading” things are fellatio and anal?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Has your sex life improved to more than once a month? ... Now that she has her baby she really doesn't want or need to accommodate you.


Is that correct? Sex only once a month and you now have a baby?

EDIT: I read the other thread. They are both about 32 with a 2 year old. The sex was frequent before the baby. The once a month was with a 6 mo old baby. The sex frequency improved once the child got a little older.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> I realize I said that she established do’s and don’ts early in the relationship, but I didn’t elaborate. It was much easier to tolerate then because *I accepted her as a stubborn and conservative woman*. *Her positive traits far outweighed the things she refused to do. Now several years into marriage it feels more like a slap in the face that she refuses so much. *


Again, you are having buyer's remorse. You married her "as is" with all of her faults and now you want her to change. This is not fair to her. If you want someone different, that's fine but this is not her fault. The first step in avoiding resentment is to accept your role in the situation. Trust me, I have been there. 



Seeker72 said:


> It wasn’t until after we we got married that she started sharing all the ex stories, and how she already did everything that she won’t do with me. She shared certain activities she doesn’t like doing before marriage, and *it wasn’t until after marriage that she mentioned the sexual stuff at all*.



Did you two have sex prior to marriage? 




Seeker72 said:


> Early on I accepted her as who she was, I didn’t knew that it was because other relationships impacted ours. It completely changed my prospective.
> 
> I also have spoken (just me) with therapists to help avoid resentment issues. *They both suggested that communication is crucial, and compromises need to be reached.* My only frustration is that she doesn’t seem to do anything she’s not 100% on board with. I don’t see someone occasionally willing to do things just to keep their partner happy. I always thought a good relationship of any type was supposed to have that ability.


You need to find a new therapist. They should be working with you to decide what you are willing and not willing to live with and then working on ways to either let go of those things or find ways *within your control* to get your needs met. They should not be trying to get you to change your wife.

ETA: It may be that you learn that there are things you are not willing to live without at which point your therapist should be helping you to learn way to express that to your wife. If she won't meet your needs then you need to let her go. Find someone who can live within your boundaries.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Seeker, I can’t tell you how to feel. You have the right to feel how you feel.

I was 28 and my wife 30 when we met. She had a few prior boyfriends, but I had no prior girlfriends. She has a lot of similar rules (eg, if I want to go to a restaurant she doesn’t like, I can go by myself. If I want something for dinner she doesn’t like, I can cook two meals.) There is a city in our state she doesn’t like so much because of bad experiences with mean girls in her early twenties. We stopped going to a certain concert because she associates that singer’s music with friends who cut her (us) off while we were married over a business situation. There’s music from her childhood that I can’t play that reminds her of depressing things. I remember her nixing a hotel in Florida because she’d stayed there with an ex.

I never had female friends, any sisters, or ex gfs, so I really had no frame of reference on what is normal or abnormal for a woman in a relationship.

I almost always perform cunnilingus on her for 20-30 minutes. She has performed fellatio on me less than ten times, and only once to completion, in 16 years.

I’m very happy with our marriage. We’re in a very good place. Our only regret is that we only had one child.


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Lila said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > I realize I said that she established do’s and don’ts early in the relationship, but I didn’t elaborate. It was much easier to tolerate then because *I accepted her as a stubborn and conservative woman*. *Her positive traits far outweighed the things she refused to do. Now several years into marriage it feels more like a slap in the face that she refuses so much. *
> ...


I did marry her “as is”, but she always portrayed herself as a shy timid woman with self esteem issues who never did anything she didn’t want. She is my first relationship, and I went into the relationship as an introvert who didn’t like asking for things I wanted. I accepted the fact we were perfect for each other because we shared those personality traits. 

I’m not looking to find someone else. I committed to her, and I understand that I played a role in this. I’m not going to ever leave her just because I don’t get some things that I want. I’m more concerned with settling the resentment issue because she didn’t share stories of all those experiences with other men until after we were married. She portrayed herself as a much different person before we were married. Now I wonder why I’m excluded from all these things other men weren’t. That’s my big concern.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

In effect, your W is guilty of marital fraud. She presented herself as one thing, when the reality was the complete opposite.

Therefore, you can stand up for yourself and demand equal rights/treatment ... you can remove yourself from the M due to the fraud or ... you can continue to be a 2nd class doormat to your W and her past.

What you ARE NOT going to be able to do is forget about the resentment and continue with the same marital dynamic.

Those are you realistic choices .., you make the call!


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Seeker72 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Seeker72 said:
> ...


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

MyRevelation said:


> In effect, your W is guilty of marital fraud. She presented herself as one thing, when the reality was the complete opposite.


Seeker, do you agree? Did she intentionally misrepresent herself to you during your courtship, then wait until the wedding was over to reveal the truth?


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



SpinyNorman said:


> Regarding the thread title, I don't think mentioning your ex in casual conversation is a big deal. I could pretend to have amnesia covering the span of my first marriage, but my wife is not an idiot. I did once apologize for having so many stories from then, but my wife shrugged and said "It was the biggest part of your life for x years. Why wouldn't you talk about it?"
> 
> I would never compare my wife unfavorably to my ex, but that is just tact. I likewise would never tell her she isn't as pretty as my sister, nor would I tell my sister she isn't as pretty as my wife. This seems obvious to me.
> 
> But I would object to inheriting all the bad stuff they did. It is one thing to say "I went there once and thought it sucked, I don't want to go back." It is quite another to say "I went there once and the person I was with behaved like an ass so I don't want to go back." , whether the travelling companion was a BF or not. There is a saying, it works for either gender. "I'm not him. If you want to get even w/ him, you'll have to get him back."


This

Honestly, this whole idea that you cannot mention anyone you were ever with smacks of insecurity and over sensitivity. I do agree that I shouldn't be held responsible for someone else's behavior. Then again, depending on who it is, one could argue that insisting no exes be mentioned is baggage from past hurts too.

I spent 2 decades with the father of my children. He's going to come up in conversation. Just like my stepson's mother will come up in conversation. So will other people we dated occasionally. I'm sorry, but seeing that as some sort of betrayal is overblown. IMO.

I think this boils down to: she has exes and you don't. If you had dated as much as she had - or even more than one person - this probably wouldn't bother you as much.

Now....her whole "listing do's and don'ts" thing....THAT would bother me. My partner is not my parent or my boss. They don;t get to outline "rules" like that (I'm not speaking of boundaries like fidelity). Yeah....if I was dating someone who gave me a list of do's and don'ts....one of my first don'ts would be "don't date them anymore" lol


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



SpinyNorman said:


> Regarding the thread title, I don't think mentioning your ex in casual conversation is a big deal. I could pretend to have amnesia covering the span of my first marriage, but my wife is not an idiot. I did once apologize for having so many stories from then, but my wife shrugged and said "It was the biggest part of your life for x years. Why wouldn't you talk about it?"
> 
> I would never compare my wife unfavorably to my ex, but that is just tact. I likewise would never tell her she isn't as pretty as my sister, nor would I tell my sister she isn't as pretty as my wife. This seems obvious to me.
> 
> But I would object to inheriting all the bad stuff they did. It is one thing to say "I went there once and thought it sucked, I don't want to go back." It is quite another to say "I went there once and the person I was with behaved like an ass so I don't want to go back." , whether the travelling companion was a BF or not. There is a saying, it works for either gender. "I'm not him. If you want to get even w/ him, you'll have to get him back."




This

Honestly, this whole idea that you cannot mention anyone you were ever with smacks of insecurity and over sensitivity. I do agree that I shouldn't be held responsible for someone else's behavior. Then again, depending on who it is, one could argue that insisting no exes be mentioned is baggage from past hurts too.

I spent 2 decades with the father of my children. He's going to come up in conversation. Just like my stepson's mother will come up in conversation. So will other people we dated occasionally. I'm sorry, but seeing that as some sort of betrayal is overblown. IMO.

I think this boils down to: she has exes and you don't. If you had dated as much as she had - or even more than one person - this probably wouldn't bother you as much.

Now....her whole "listing do's and don'ts" thing....THAT would bother me. My partner is not my parent or my boss. They don;t get to outline "rules" like that (I'm not speaking of boundaries like fidelity). Yeah....if I was dating someone who gave me a list of do's and don'ts....one of my first don'ts would be "don't date them anymore" lol


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## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

CraigBesuden said:


> MyRevelation said:
> 
> 
> > In effect, your W is guilty of marital fraud. She presented herself as one thing, when the reality was the complete opposite.
> ...


Yeah, I think do I feel that way. It’s not something I really even thought of, but knowing that might help me better process things. I don’t know if she did it intentionally, but I accepted her as she was. All of the great things about her outweighed the things she wouldn’t do. I thought a lot of it was just shyness and stubbornness. I could relate to the awkwardness and shyness which is how she became my soulmate. Shyness and awkwardness can also be overcome as you grow as couple together, I thought we’d be able to experience new things together with a little encouragement. I never knew about the other side of her until conversations after marriage. Then I learn she was more agreeable in past relationships, and it changed my perspective of who she is. It made me feel like I’m not sure if I know who the real her is.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Seeker72 said:


> I did marry her “as is”, but she always portrayed herself as a shy timid woman with self esteem issues who never did anything she didn’t want. She is my first relationship, and I went into the relationship as an introvert who didn’t like asking for things I wanted. I accepted the fact we were perfect for each other because we shared those personality traits.
> 
> I’m not looking to find someone else. I committed to her, and I understand that I played a role in this. I’m not going to ever leave her just because I don’t get some things that I want. I’m more concerned with settling the resentment issue because she didn’t share stories of all those experiences with other men until after we were married. She portrayed herself as a much different person before we were married. Now I wonder why I’m excluded from all these things other men weren’t. That’s my big concern.


What sort of work have you done with your therapist to manage your resentment?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

CraigBesuden said:


> Seeker, do you agree? Did she intentionally misrepresent herself to you during your courtship, then wait until the wedding was over to reveal the truth?





Seeker said:


> Yeah, I think do I feel that way. It’s not something I really even thought of, but knowing that might help me better process things. I don’t know if she did it intentionally, but I accepted her as she was.


The word “intentionally” is critical. It’s not enough that you had a misunderstanding. Did she trick/defraud you?

It sounds like she established clear boundaries while you were dating. You just made incorrect assumptions as to the basis of those boundaries.



> All of the great things about her outweighed the things she wouldn’t do.


The great things about my wife far outweigh her negatives.



> I thought a lot of it was just shyness and stubbornness.... Shyness and awkwardness can also be overcome as you grow as couple together...


You thought you could change her. You were counting on it. You thought wrong.



> Then I learn she was more agreeable in past relationships, and it changed my perspective of who she is. It made me feel like I’m not sure if I know who the real her is.


My wife and I agreed to marry after three months of dating. There was a ring on her finger after nine months. We’re still learning things about each other after 16 years. We both continue to evolve and grow.

By your account, you have a wonderful wife. You really should focus on what’s great about her, and not on what is lacking. If she’ll stop mentioning exes on date night that should be enough.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One of the stories I read about was just like this. Then the husband found a vhs tape of his wife with several guys that she saved. She also misrepresented herself as a sweet innocent girl only doing vanilla sex.

I believe girls are more willing to do different things with guys they are sexually attracted to.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Yeah, I think do I feel that way. It’s not something I really even thought of, but knowing that might help me better process things. I don’t know if she did it intentionally, but I accepted her as she was. All of the great things about her outweighed the things she wouldn’t do. I thought a lot of it was just shyness and stubbornness. I could relate to the awkwardness and shyness which is how she became my soulmate. Shyness and awkwardness can also be overcome as you grow as couple together, I thought we’d be able to experience new things together with a little encouragement. I never knew about the other side of her until conversations after marriage. Then I learn she was more agreeable in past relationships, and it changed my perspective of who she is. It made me feel like I’m not sure if I know who the real her is.


IMO, the "you did it with them but won't do it with me" area gets *really complicated*.

*On one hand:*
There are some really stupid, regrettable, even degrading things I did with guys when I was young that I will never do again with anyone, and I would be very concerned about who I chose to marry if my man pushed me to do them, even if they _*would *_be "fun" for *him*. That's part of maturing and learning who you are, setting standards, and just becoming stronger and less desperate feeling in relationships. Refusing to do those things actually protects your current relationship. You might have done those things with someone else, but they may be part of the reason you married your current partner and not that person.

Then there are the ho-hum mundane things I did (like going to a hockey game) that I really didn't enjoy. When you are married, they say it is not wise to make sacrifices and do things you don't enjoy FOR your spouse, because if you set that precedent, you become resentful. It's better to find things you both can enjoy. I see the wisdom in that but I still would like my spouse to give things with me at least ONE try with an OPEN mind. AND to come up with things he would enjoy doing with me if none of my ideas appeal to him.

On the other hand:
There are those things you were willing to do for others that you are not willing to do for your current spouse that really do indicate you loved that person more, or at least you were much more willing to put energy into your relationship and experience mild discomfort to make them happy.

A good example might be back rubs or shopping together. And certain sexual things, of course. If my spouse won't rub my back and I find out he used to give hour long back rubs to his ex a couple times a week, I'm going to be crushed. I don't care how much he "doesn't like" giving them. He obviously put more energy into her than he is willing to put into me. Same thing if he took her shopping for hours, which most guys pretty much hate, but he tells me to go shop by myself, he's so over that. Same message.

Still, marriage is for life (hopefully) and one might deliberately pick someone they don't feel they need to do those things for/with. And they may actually love that person MORE because they don't feel a pressure to be someone they are not to keep them.

IOW - maybe it's not that your wife did a bait and switch on you as to who she was pretending to be conservative. Maybe, deep down that is who she is and you are a big sigh of relief to her over past relationships where she felt she had to pretend to be all adventurous to keep someone around.

Bottom line: I think it comes down to her attitude. Have you really, clearly told her that you want her to at least try some things with you and try them without preconceived notions about whether or not she'll enjoy them based on her experience years ago? Have you told her you need more variety and adventure in your life? That you feel she resist everything you suggest and you're disappointed and frustrated? That doing more and different things together* is important to you*. If so and she dismisses you and comes up with excuses then you have a real problem. But maybe she has no idea what a kill joy she is being.

Also you can ask her what does she want? What does she like about your marriage and what would she like to change/improve. 

A GOOD BOOK to read and hopefully get her to read it too, would be "His Needs Her Needs." It's very enlightening. Everyone is different, but generally the top two needs for men are Sexual Fulfillment and *Recreational Companionship*. Where the top two needs for women are usually Intimate conversation and non-sexual affection. She may have no idea these things are important to you because they are not important to her. Or she may just be a stubborn, inconsiderate, cold, lazy woman. Hard to say until you make yourself vulnerable enough to let her know what you want and need.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



ABHale said:


> One of the stories I read about was just like this. Then the husband found a vhs tape of his wife with several guys that she saved. She also misrepresented herself as a sweet innocent girl only doing vanilla sex.
> 
> I believe girls are more willing to do different things with guys they are sexually attracted to.


YIKES!

I'd say yes they're are more willing to do more things with men they are sexually attracted to. But I'd also say group sex is the kind of thing one might do when young and realize NEVER AGAIN. It might have more to do with not valuing herself and being desperate to keep a man, than actually enjoying it or being sexually attracted to him.

Of course that would not explain WHY she *kept a tape of it*. :surprise: Yee gads. Ick.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Seeker72 said:


> Yeah, you seem to understand how I feel quite well. I took it as a passive aggressive way of telling me to back off as well. Some other posters have suggested that I just need to tell her what I want. Typically, that would be a fine suggestion, but her entire response to my comments on the pic thing made me very hesitant to ask for anything else. It’s all very confusing to me, and I don’t love the game playing.


If you don't love the game playing, I think you need to stop playing. She is your wife. You are committed to her and not planning to leave. Your marriage can weather a simple, straightforward question like:

"I'm curious. I told you I'd like pictures of you and you said there was nothing wrong with that, but you never send me pictures. Can I ask you why not?"

And then be quiet and let her answer. It could be passive aggressive behavior or it could be a lot of other things:
1. She could be very reluctant to take pics like that in case her phone or account is hacked.
2. She might not feel great about the way her body looks no matter how much you tell her she turns you on.
3. She might just be really lazy and never got around to it.
4. She might be just that obtuse and not have converted "I would like that" into "he is asking me to do that" in her mind.

I can be really thick in the head sometimes. I LOVE giving my guy massages. Back, hands, feet -- If I'm sitting near him, I'm usually massaging something. One night I was busy with stuff and he kept saying how much his feet hurt from work that day. I was like "Oh, bummer."

Finally when he was going to sleep and it was too late he said "I kept hinting that I wanted a foot massage but you ignored me." I said "Sometimes you have to be *very explicit *with me." I never made the mental leap from "His feet hurt" to "A foot massage would help." But if he had said "will you rub my feet?" I would have happily dropped everything and done that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



ABHale said:


> I believe girls are more willing to do different things with guys they are sexually attracted to.


Yes, but they can't be honest and tell Mr. "safe and secure" that they aren't attracted to him before marriage, or there will be no marriage....... Hence, the "bait and switch".....


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

ABHale said:


> One of the stories I read about was just like this. Then the husband found a vhs tape of his wife with several guys that she saved. She also misrepresented herself as a sweet innocent girl only doing vanilla sex.
> 
> I believe girls are more willing to do different things with guys they are sexually attracted to.


I’ve read that, too. The woman was clearly (at least apparently) enjoying a threesome, etc., then pretended to be virginal vanilla. Lying to your spouse and keeping evidence is not smart. I think about 1% of women are like that.

Here, his W did not misrepresent herself. Every indication is that she is honest, upfront, shy, awkward, did things for bad guys she didn’t enjoy and was hurt, and now married a nice guy who respects her wishes.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

TJW said:


> ABHale said:
> 
> 
> > I believe girls are more willing to do different things with guys they are sexually attracted to.
> ...


Nearly all women marry men to whom they are attracted. I’m sure they’d be more attracted if the nice guy wore contact lenses instead of glasses, watched his weight and worked out regularly at the gym, but very few women want to marry someone they aren’t attracted to. Do you personally know women (sisters, friends, neighbors, coworkers) who marry men they aren’t attracted to?

Women today make enough money that they don’t need to marry for money. Most women want to marry a guy who is intelligent, physically attractive, educated, has a job, can hold a conversation, good social skills, wants kids, and would make a good potential husband and father.

I think you are simultaneously giving women too little credit, but also giving them far too much credit for being long-term machiavellian strategic thinkers.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



CraigBesuden said:


> Do you personally know women (sisters, friends, neighbors, coworkers) who marry men they aren’t attracted to?


3 wives, a GF I didn't marry (thank God), 2 daughters, a sister-in-law.... and, I think my mother did, too, although she didn't talk about it....



CraigBesuden said:


> machiavellian strategic thinkers


No, they are taught, in their FOO, that "making the right choice" is wise and prudent.... it never occurs to them that it's dishonest and unscrupulous.....


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TJW said:


> CraigBesuden said:
> 
> 
> > Do you personally know women (sisters, friends, neighbors, coworkers) who marry men they aren’t attracted to?
> ...


 I'm always a little sad for men who choose to view women this way. Then again, they are choosing to view women this way.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> CraigBesuden said:
> 
> 
> > Do you personally know women (sisters, friends, neighbors, coworkers) who marry men they aren’t attracted to?
> ...


Yes, my best friend did, and two other women I know.

Also.... Do you really think young women who marry dudes 40 plus years older (and are not attractive for their age, either) are in it because that are physically attracted to him? They are attracted to his $$$. Nothing physical.

Women sometimes marry for $$ and other stability, just like men sometimes marry for hotness (and give no thought to personality).


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Yes, my best friend did, and two other women I know.


What happened with those marriages? Sexless? Divorce?



> Also.... Do you really think young women who marry dudes 40 plus years older (and are not attractive for their age, either) are in it because that are physically attracted to him? They are attracted to his $$$. Nothing physical.


Of course those women are in it for the money. But 30+ year age gap marriages are pretty rare.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > What happened with those marriages? Sexless? Divorce?
> ...


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



Livvie said:


> Women sometimes marry for $$ and other stability, just like men sometimes marry for hotness (and give no thought to personality).


I agree. I've seen this, too, men who marry a "trophy wife". The woman for $$, the man for hotness and how she polishes his ego.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



CraigBesuden said:


> What happened with those marriages? Sexless? Divorce?



Sexless, all. Or, essentially. In one, divorce didn't happen, but most likely would have had death not intervened. In my family, divorce isn't done, unless there's adultery, physical abuse, etc.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Seeker,

This thread started out about mentioning exes in casual conversations but it eventually became clear that your issue is something else entirely.

I suspect that you were raised by a single mother with no real male influence. You were trained to respect and defer to women. You believe that is what women want because that’s how you were raised.

I suspect that you were confused that this approach wasn’t successful with women in high school and your early twenties. Eventually, though, you met your wife in your late twenties and it all worked out. You see, the nice guy wins in the end.

In your other thread, Trouble Initiating, you said that your wife always initiates sex. That was fine until you had a baby when it dropped to about once a month. You wanted to initiate to get additional sex but feared she might say no. As the baby got older, you started getting more sex again, about three times a month. Not as much as before the baby but much better.

That’s really no different from the average guy who usually or always initiates but his wife declines because she’s tired from caring for the baby. The sex picks back up as she’s less tired. Now, in the Sex in Marriage forum, there’s a guy at the other end of the spectrum. His wife is giving him little sex with two little ones, and now he loves to face **** her, enjoying seeing her gagging on his **** as punishment for giving him less sex.

No matter the approach, the result is the same. When your wife is tired from caring for young child(ren), she has less energy for sex. Your doormat mating strategy is just as effective as the face **** guy (though he got to enjoy her from her high school days to the present).

You say you always tell your wife that she’s beautiful, but she has self-esteem issues and says she feels unattractive. Why doesn’t she believe you? Unfortunately, you have zero credibility. Husbands in general have little credibility because we have only one outlet so we “have to” compliment her looks, her cooking, etc. But you go further. You are dishonest, insincere, telling her whatever she wants to hear. That means your kind words have zero impact.

You know who would have credibility? Who could meet her needs? The hot guy in her office. If he tells her that she’s kinda cute, she will light up. It could lead to an affair. If it does, she will do for him all those things she won’t do for you. If this happens, you should forgive her because she wants forgiveness and your role is to give her whatever she wants. Stand by your woman.

(Some are thinking: “That’s alpha fux beta bux! She rode the **** carousel then switched lanes as she neared 30, using the nice guy as a wallet and wants to now ride the carousel on the side! Misandry, divorce, child support, etc.” No, that’s not it at all. This is just human nature.)

On the flip side, as with BluesClues, you could continue feeling resentful. You tell a cute coworker about your marriage and she sympathizes with you, the poor unappreciated husband. You do everything for your wife and she gives you nothing in return. You have an affair with the coworker and your marriage falls apart.

People can advise you to talk with your wife but we are wasting your breath. You aren’t looking for advice, you are just venting. You won’t initiate sex because she might say no. You won’t ask her to wear lingerie or perform “degrading” sex acts because she might say no. It is not a doormat’s place to challenge. She’s told you the rules and it is your role to follow them.

You and your wife agreed to this dynamic. She was upfront about her rules. You knew this when you were dating and you married her. She is in complete control of the relationship. It is working well. Both of you are getting most of your needs met. You describe it as a “very good relationship.” If it sometimes feels unfair to you, that you aren’t getting your needs met or you’re getting the short end of the stick, you should remember that it doesn’t matter what you want - the only thing that really matters is what she wants. She is the woman, not you. If you feel resentment over your lot in life, the solution is counseling to help you get over those feelings.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



WorkingWife said:


> YIKES!
> 
> I'd say yes they're are more willing to do more things with men they are sexually attracted to. But I'd also say group sex is the kind of thing one might do when young and realize NEVER AGAIN. It might have more to do with not valuing herself and being desperate to keep a man, than actually enjoying it or being sexually attracted to him.
> 
> Of course that would not explain WHY she *kept a tape of it*. :surprise: Yee gads. Ick.


He never asked for a threesome, only oral and different positions. Missionary, I think, was the only way she would.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Mentioning “the ex” in causal conversation*



CraigBesuden said:


> I’ve read that, too. The woman was clearly (at least apparently) enjoying a threesome, etc., then pretended to be virginal vanilla. Lying to your spouse and keeping evidence is not smart. I think about 1% of women are like that.
> 
> Here, his W did not misrepresent herself. Every indication is that she is honest, upfront, shy, awkward, did things for bad guys she didn’t enjoy and was hurt, and now married a nice guy who respects her wishes.


I believe she did, she didn’t talk about what she did with her ex boyfriends until the wedding was over. Also read op’s first thread.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

ABHale said:


> CraigBesuden said:
> 
> 
> > I’ve read that, too. The woman was clearly (at least apparently) enjoying a threesome, etc., then pretended to be virginal vanilla. Lying to your spouse and keeping evidence is not smart. I think about 1% of women are like that.
> ...


I read the other thread. Yes, she didn’t mention sex things she didn’t want to perform until after the wedding. But the basic idea that she won’t do anything she doesn’t want to do and won’t go anywhere she doesn’t want to go was conveyed. It’s unclear whether the timing of the sex information was coincidental or intentional. Personally, I doubt it was intentional. It sounds like the information, like dressing in lingerie makes her uncomfortable, is revealed whenever it comes up in conversation.

Frankly, there would be no need to trick a guy like Seeker. If she had told him all of that information (eg, I won’t wear lingerie, and I won’t do sex acts A, B or C that I regret having done in the past), he still would have married her anyway. (Am I wrong, Seeker?) He loves her immensely and is too timid to even ask for anything in fear of looking like a jerk or bossy. He would never divorce his wife. She knew what she wanted, found it and got it. He knew what he was getting and agreed to it.


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