# Do you make a difference?



## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

I was wondering if men make a difference when sleeping with a woman.
Do you have sex with a woman you don't care about other than sex differently than with the woman you love and care for?
Do you hug, caress, stroke hair during sex with a woman that doesn't mean anything to you or do you only do that with your lover?


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

Seriously?
Over 50 views and not one answer?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

probably all women viewing it wondering what guys would answer


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Truthfully, I don't understand the question. 

I'm assuming that it relates to you, but you don't elaborate how or why.

I've never had sex with anyone I didn't care about. But I have had sex with women I didn't love. Even in the case of a few one night stands there was hair stroking, hugging and kissing involved. 

In contrast there were undoubtedly sexual events in my loving relationships that were purely raw, and physical, that involved none of those tender elements - but it certainly didn't mean that I didn't love my partner.

So the short answer is yes ... you can be tender with someone you don't have a huge emotional investment in.

And you can be casual, and nothing but business with someone you are completely in love with. 

Sex isn't static, nor are the feelings surrounding it.


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Truthfully, I don't understand the question.
> 
> I'm assuming that it relates to you, but you don't elaborate how or why.
> 
> ...


Yes. That's what I wanted to know. And it is about me and my stbxhusband. We do have sex once in a while. we're still living in the same house.
I was hoping it means something more that he is holding me and caressing me during sex like he used to do when everything was ok between us. But apparently most men do that even if they don't love the woman they're having sex with. 
Bummer.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm sorry you are having this sad time in your life. That said, I think you are leading with your chin.

I'm not sure if you are trying to find out if men are fake in their sexual interactions.

Your husband is breaking up with you and not giving a good understanding of why this is so.

I don't think men or women are that different regarding how they react during sex.

It might be an expression of love for the other person or it might just be to get off.

It can be confusing and difficult to tell the difference--especially if the rest of your interactions are going south.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

*everafter* said:


> Yes. That's what I wanted to know. And it is about me and my stbxhusband. We do have sex once in a while. we're still living in the same house.
> I was hoping it means something more that he is holding me and caressing me during sex like he used to do when everything was ok between us. But apparently most men do that even if they don't love the woman they're having sex with.
> Bummer.



I think it’s more than ok to ask questions like this, as some way of finding out what’s “normal”. But to base your conclusions and judgements on such a small survey with so few answers is I think very unrealistic.

In a way the answer you have accepted and the one you’ve based your conclusions and judgements on is the answer that agrees with you. That is, you’ve had confirmation of what you believed the answer to be.

But the truth in an answer will be what your stbx tells you. That is of course if you ask him and he answers honestly.

I think the question you are asking yourself is “Does my husband still love me”. Or “Is my husband still in love with me”. That sort of question. But you are looking for the answer based on the sexual relationship between the two of you.

You of course know a happy marriage is based on very much more than sex.

Bob


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I have to admit, there is a different level of being "sensual" when its the woman you love vs it just being a jumpoff. If you are the jumpoff you aren't going to get caressed as carefully and lovingly. Because A - i don't love you like that. And B - its not what you are looking for anyway.

To the OP, if your husband is doing this again now, like he used to do, then i think it does indeed mean something. No bummer here.


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> In a way the answer you have accepted and the one you’ve based your conclusions and judgements on is the answer that agrees with you.


I'd rather the answer was that men do make a difference. I don't want to hear that men don't, but after Deejo's answer I kinda knew that most of the answers will most likely be the same. I wish it means something. I really do. But since he's still wanting to divorce I have to accept that it doesn't. That's going to screw me up big time for any future relationship because how would I be able to tell for sure that the guy loves me. :scratchhead:


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> I have to admit, there is a different level of being "sensual" when its the woman you love vs it just being a jumpoff. If you are the jumpoff you aren't going to get caressed as carefully and lovingly. Because A - i don't love you like that. And B - its not what you are looking for anyway.
> 
> To the OP, if your husband is doing this again now, like he used to do, then i think it does indeed mean something. No bummer here.


I do want to believe that the way he acts during sex is more like making love between lovers not just plain sex. But he's still wanting a divorce so it must be wishful thinking that's all.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

*everafter* said:


> I'd rather the answer was that men do make a difference. I don't want to hear that men don't, but after Deejo's answer I kinda knew that most of the answers will most likely be the same. I wish it means something. I really do. But since he's still wanting to divorce I have to accept that it doesn't. That's going to screw me up big time for any future relationship because how would I be able to tell for sure that the guy loves me. :scratchhead:



It’s a sign of a women’s love when she “consents” to and gives sex! It’s not the sign of a man’s love when he wants sex!!!

Why? Because she’s the one who bears the potential child. That’s why women take time to get to know the man. What type of man is he, can he support the mother and child etc. etc. … you know all those check lists you potential mother’s have in your head!!!

Believe me I know it’s changed these days, morning after pill and all that but it ain’t changed nothing for the better!

A man’s love is far more than simply wanting sex from you! If you’re focused so much on that it’s no wonder you don’t seem to have a clue on what’s going on in your husband and therefore in your marriage.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

How to say this without hurting your feelings. You will know a man loves you because of ALL his actions toward you, not just in the bedroom. As a matter of fact, your husband is not acting at ALL loving toward you by taking advantage of your free sex while continuing down the divorce road. He must know you are not interesting in the divorce.

In my opinion, once he is gone, you may want to look into therapy to determine why you would allow someone to use you for sex when he doesn't want you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> How to say this without hurting your feelings. You will know a man loves you because of ALL his actions toward you, not just in the bedroom. As a matter of fact, your husband is not acting at ALL loving toward you by taking advantage of your free sex while continuing down the divorce road. He must know you are not interesting in the divorce.
> 
> In my opinion, once he is gone, you may want to look into therapy to determine why you would allow someone to use you for sex when he doesn't want you.



Well you said it much better/nicer than I did VT.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Truthfully, I don't understand the question.
> 
> I'm assuming that it relates to you, but you don't elaborate how or why.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's possible to say it better than that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

*everafter* said:


> I do want to believe that the way he acts during sex is more like making love between lovers not just plain sex. But he's still wanting a divorce so it must be wishful thinking that's all.


Not necessarily.


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> A man’s love is far more than simply wanting sex from you! If you’re focused so much on that it’s no wonder you don’t seem to have a clue on what’s going on in your husband and therefore in your marriage.


I think you're right. I don't know what to do anymore .


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> How to say this without hurting your feelings. You will know a man loves you because of ALL his actions toward you, not just in the bedroom. As a matter of fact, your husband is not acting at ALL loving toward you by taking advantage of your free sex while continuing down the divorce road. He must know you are not interesting in the divorce.
> 
> In my opinion, once he is gone, you may want to look into therapy to determine why you would allow someone to use you for sex when he doesn't want you.


You are right! And I know it too. I know he is using me. I hate that I can't stop giving him what he wants. The only thing he still wants from me. I was hoping that sleeping with him will make him change his mind about us. Will make him realize that he does love me and wants to stay with me. I've read about 180 and I would do it in a heartbeat but we have children and I was worried that I will ruin it all by doing a 180. I was trying the nice way, the giving way. I'm working on my problems and was hoping it would make a difference, but it doesn't. I can't fight for this anymore. I'm defeated. Everyone who knows him says he does still love me and he's being stupid. I know that too. But he doesn't know it. He thinks he's making the right decision for himself. 
I never got another chance. Never got to prove my love to him. I never knew he was hurting. 
I wish this was all a dream.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*everafter* said:


> You are right! And I know it too. I know he is using me. I hate that I can't stop giving him what he wants. The only thing he still wants from me. I was hoping that sleeping with him will make him change his mind about us. Will make him realize that he does love me and wants to stay with me. I've read about 180 and I would do it in a heartbeat but we have children and I was worried that I will ruin it all by doing a 180. I was trying the nice way, the giving way. I'm working on my problems and was hoping it would make a difference, but it doesn't. I can't fight for this anymore. I'm defeated. Everyone who knows him says he does still love me and he's being stupid. I know that too. But he doesn't know it. He thinks he's making the right decision for himself.
> I never got another chance. Never got to prove my love to him. I never knew he was hurting.
> I wish this was all a dream.



I have a friend who could have wrote what you have expressed, every word. She has been divorced from her X for years now, he even had a marriage afterwards & divorce. He started coming around again, she has never gotten over him-the father of her children. She feels they are a family, so she bends backwards to accomondate, do nice things for him, be there, be anything he needs- in hopes.... 

For the last 3 years, she pines for him, he is kind-has even told her he loves her, will take her here/there, it leads to her hopes getting up, she sleeps with him, every time feeling it may be a new beginning, but so soon dashed, like clockwork. All promises broken, left on the floor shattered. 

It is a cycle she needs to break, because it is destroying her. I get the calls after each & every time she again "let him in" and he trampled her expectations. And now every new man she meets, she is suspicious of, she feels everyone is using her. And I know of one fine man, that was not, she threw him to the curb - because of this toxic baggage. Such a shame. 

Brake the cycle. It is what is best for YOU.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SA,

I think everafter should stop having sex with him.

That's a boundary that should be enforced until a commitment is made and common ground is reached.

But, she has to be ready for the outcome.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> SA,
> 
> I think everafter should stop having sex with him.
> 
> ...



Absolutely.

Everafter, take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html. It works just as well for women.


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