# Not sure what to do



## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

My husband stayed up late talking to a friend all night at our house. I woke up and heard him talking while I was in our room. The friend is a dirt bag in general. They were talking in the kitchen. He talked to the friend about wanting to leave me snd strongly insinuating that he is cheating. He said to his friend, "There are things I've done that I'll take to the grave and I won't tell you because I might want to do them again!" Then the friend said, "I don't care if you cheated or when that was" so he didn't go into specifics about the "secrets" but my husband seemed to acknowledge the comment about cheating. He said he's talking to other women that have sent him nudes. He has told me about a couple of random people who have done that in the past but said it's happening a lot and he feels he has better options out there. His main hangup is that we have two kids and he doesn't want to mess them up by getting a divorce.

He said to the friend that he started looking elsewhere because I said I was done having kids so he felt that meant if he wants more kids, he has to go somewhere else. He said when we got married, the "deal" was that we'd have 4 kids (WTF?) and now I'm going back on my word. He also said I am the least hot girl he has been with. 

I'm not sure if this is just him joking with a friend and drinking bourbon or what. I stay at home with the kids, who are babies, so I don't have time for anything else really. I do work in the evenings but my husband said to his friend that I "treat him like an ATM because I'm not working". This is all really sudden to me. He has not talked about these things with me. I have said I felt done with having kids because I'm overwhelmed with babies but I think our problems go further than having another baby. I'm not sure what to do, if I should say that I heard him last night or what. I'm planning a date to talk about things in general and ask specifically about these things.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

This is not joking. This is your husband planning out loud to divorce you as soon as he finds your replacement. He's lying and mischaracterizing you to get this friend on his side for when he pulls the trigger. The question is - are you going to sit around and wait for divorce papers or do you want to do something about it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Wow, just wow. What disgusting things he said about you. Completely unloving and completely disrespectful. It seems he has also cheated and is in contact with lots of women who sends him nude pictures.
As for what you do, that's your decision. Do you want to stay with such an awful man? A man who stays merely for the children but who plays around with other women?


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

nekonamida said:


> This is not joking. This is your husband planning out loud to divorce you as soon as he finds your replacement. He's lying and mischaracterizing you to get this friend on his side for when he pulls the trigger. The question is - are you going to sit around and wait for divorce papers or do you want to do something about it?


I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. This is the first I've heard of any of this stuff. I've been busy raising the kids. I thought I was doing a good job of meeting his needs whenever he expressed needing anything but I guess not. I'm in a bad position because he has all the money and has a high-paying full-time job. I am an educator who would have 2 kids in daycare if we got a divorce.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Wow, just wow. What disgusting things he said about you. Completely unloving and completely disrespectful. It seems he has also cheated and is in contact with lots of women who sends him nude pictures.
> As for what you do, that's your decision. Do you want to stay with such an awful man? A man who stays merely for the children but who plays around with other women?


It's hard because I thought things were going ok. We've had a lot of transitions this year with the new baby and moving too but I figured if any bumps were there, it was because of that. I'm really blindsided.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sparta3 said:


> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. This is the first I've heard of any of this stuff. I've been busy raising the kids. I thought I was doing a good job of meeting his needs whenever he expressed needing anything but I guess not. I'm in a bad position because he has all the money and has a high-paying full-time job. I am an educator who would have 2 kids in daycare if we got a divorce.


He would have to pay you child support and spousal support. If he earns a good wage then that should be a fair amount.
How old are your children? Do you have any family support?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sparta3 said:


> It's hard because I thought things were going ok. We've had a lot of transitions this year with the new baby and moving too but I figured if any bumps were there, it was because of that. I'm really blindsided.


If course you are, you must be in deep shock.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Is he out a lot alone?


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Start by seeing a lawyer. You don't have to do anything with them yet but you need to know what divorce would look like. Reach out to family and friends about it. Then confront your husband. Don't tell him how you know. Just say that you know he has been cheating and plans to leave you. Tell him you'll give him an easy out if he wants it. It's best for everyone if you can move forward with as little drama as possible. 

If he does a 180 and says he wants the marriage, make sure he gives you an explanation for what he said and why, comes clean about the pictures and whatever else he's done, and gives you access to his phone, email, and social media to prove that he's stopped messing around. That's a big ask for someone who is openly telling mutual friends about his cheating and plans to leave though. It's pretty likely that you're going to see rage and a push towards divorce instead but at least you won't be blindsided months or years from now when he suddenly leaves.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He would have to pay you child support and spousal support. If he earns a good wage then that should be a fair amount.
> How old are your children? Do you have any family support?


My family lives over an hour away. I haven't told anyone about what's going on. My son is 10 months old and my daughter just turned 3.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

nekonamida said:


> Start by seeing a lawyer. You don't have to do anything with them yet but you need to know what divorce would look like. Reach out to family and friends about it. Then confront your husband. Don't tell him how you know. Just say that you know he has been cheating and plans to leave you. Tell him you'll give him an easy out if he wants it. It's best for everyone if you can move forward with as little drama as possible.
> 
> If he does a 180 and says he wants the marriage, make sure he gives you an explanation for what he said and why, comes clean about the pictures and whatever else he's done, and gives you access to his phone, email, and social media to prove that he's stopped messing around. That's a big ask for someone who is openly telling mutual friends about his cheating and plans to leave though. It's pretty likely that you're going to see rage and a push towards divorce instead but at least you won't be blindsided months or years from now when he suddenly leaves.


Yeah I'm trying to have a date with him today to talk and I plan on generally asking how things are going and I'll probably end up telling him I heard him. Idk if he wanted me to hear him or if he really thought I couldn't hear anything in the next room.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> Is he out a lot alone?


He has a couple of friends that he hangs out with and I try to accommodate if he says he wants to hang out with them. He probably hangs out with them once per week or more honestly. I guess the joke's on me for trying to be a good wife.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would go on the offence from the get go. Tell him that Monday morning you will be contacting attorneys because you don't want to be married to him anymore. They'll help you sort the amount of alimony and child support he can expect to pay. You know what his plans are and you would just as soon get it over with now before the kids get any older. Then I would get a dig in about the quality of women he is attracting with their nude photos - yep, they're worth marrying and having babies with <snort>. Then take your babies and leave for the day so he can have time to contemplate his fate. You drive the bus in his fantasy.

Whatever you do, do not beg or start the pathetic pick-me dance. He is not all that and a bag of chips.

ed. spelling


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK so his friend is not the only dirtbag here. He is one too. And there is only one way to deal with dirtbags. Listen, gather evidence, and then hit the with both barrels. In the meantime start getting ready to dump him and be self-sufficient.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You H is a POS. Go on the attack immediately without him knowing.
Go see a lawyer and see what your options are. start doing the 180 on him immediately. He’ll have to support you and the kids. Take him to the cleaners.
tell your family or close friends what is happening.
is there any way you can get back into work? Leave kids with family etc.
confront your H , or better still hand him divorce papers, you don’t have to go through with it If he agrees to to the work necessary. Go stay with your family for a month. Let it sink in that you are serious. Tell all family and friends he is a cheater, watch him clean up that mess. VAR his car collect more evidence. Do you want to remain in a marriage like this? It won’t get better.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

nekonamida said:


> Then confront your husband. Don't tell him how you know. Just say that you know he has been cheating and plans to leave you. Tell him you'll give him an easy out if he wants it. It's best for everyone if you can move forward with as little drama as possible.





Blondilocks said:


> I would go on the offence from the get go. Tell him that Monday morning you will be contacting attorneys because you don't want to be married to him anymore.


NO! JUST NO!!!! Sparta, it sucks that you have to be here asking for advice, but this is the one of the best sources for it. But, DO NOT TELL HIM THAT YOU KNOW!!!! Not yet. If you do, he will immediately begin working behind the scenes to get his affairs in order, which can only screw you financially and even with custody. Based on his phone call with his buddy, he has already made the decision, but he probably feels he has all of the time in the world to act on it. YOU DO NOT! 



aine said:


> You H is a POS. Go on the attack immediately without him knowing.
> Go see a lawyer and see what your options are. start doing the 180 on him immediately. He’ll have to support you and the kids. Take him to the cleaners.


YES! THIS!

You already know that he has had an affair, but more likely, several. You already know that he has forsaken you for his own selfish and hollow desires. And, he is not just cheating on you.... He is cheating on your babies too!! He is no longer your husband, lover or friend. He is now, I'm sorry to say, your enemy. And from here on out, at least until a divorce is final, you have to treat him as such. I know that the thought of raising two little ones by yourself is scary, but it can be done. What you do not want is for them to grow up in a home where daddy is out banging strange women and forsaking his wife. Little children see interaction between their parents and it gets imprinted on their psyche, affecting their relationships later in life.

By talking to a lawyer, you will find out where you stand financially. Your husband is the bread winner and you are a stay at home mom. The courts will take all of that into account. You need to only allow your extended family to know what is going on so that they can help you both emotionally and possibly financially. Do NOT tell any of your friends as this will eventually end up on social media and tip your POS husband off and you do NOT want that.

You need to get an STD test (without POS's knowledge) because, I'm sorry to say, he probably is not using protection.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. This is one of the sh!tiest things that you will endure in your life. But right now, is the time for secret action to protect you and the little ones. You can do this. And you will be happy again. I promise, you will find a man that treasures you and puts you on a pedestal!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Do NOT tell him you know. You need to see a shark attorney before you do anything. 

In your shoes, I would take the children to my parents, then go see an attorney and get divorce papers drawn up, complete with child support and custody agreements. I'd also have him served at work and then not take his phone calls. Bastard would never see it coming.

Your husband is a POS. You and your beautiful babies deserve so much better. He has destroyed his family and there should be consequences for that. Big ones.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree, don’t let him know you know what he said. See a lawyer, get copies of all the financial information now before he does anything to it.

Please protect yourself and see a lawyer first!!!!


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I talked to him, not mentioning what I heard but I brought up the important issues. I felt if I came in swinging, he'd shut down. He said he was too drunk to be aware of what he was saying and he didn't remember. I told him I heard him talking all night but I didn't mention what I heard, I said it was very loud and he said he must have been saying something dumb because he was drunk.

He said he's not cheating. Some girls sent him nudes trying to get with him and he deleted them because he wants to be with me. He didn't feel comfortable telling me about it the more recent times it has happened because I got upset one time when I heard that something like that happened. He said other people want to be with him but he doesn't want the attention and gets uncomfortable because he gets previous coworkers or college people trying to get with him, especially since they saw pictures of our new house on Facebook and they are gold diggers.

He was mainly upset because he thought I said I didn't want any more kids and he evidently wants 3 now. I said I'd think about it and he seemed satisfied with that. He's very intense so when he's mad about something, he's very mad and I think was venting. His friend is a **** so he encouraged him to say negative things about me.

It seems like he was really drunk and didn't mean what he said. I find it hard to believe that he is cheating and lying to me just to have another baby with me. I don't have proof that he is cheating, just that he's an asshole who says dumb stuff to his friend while he's drunk. I'm not sure if I want to break up my family over that. 

It's like, either he knew what he was saying and wanted me to hear his malicious plan about divorcing me or he was just drunk and didn't realize he was talking at all, basically. He was way hungover and slept all day yesterday until our date. We definitely have other things to work on here but I have to decide if I can try to continue to talk to him or not.

I know his personality. He has always been a hard-charging asshole who is blunt and says things without thinking. He's a Soldier so everything is very Life or Death all the time. He over-analyzes things and I think here, he was describing that he thought about whether it was worth it to leave and he told me about that during the date but he said no, it was definitely not worth it. He said if he was going to cheat, he would just tell me and we'd break things off.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Keep your eyes open. I would also suggest finding a way to get back to work so you have your own money.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I posted this on your other thread too:

Having more kids not only won’t help, it will likely make a dysfunctional marriage considerably worse. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life taking care of more and more kids (it’s always “just one more”) while he continues to get drunk and says stuff he claims he doesn’t remember or doesn’t mean. It’s easy for him to say he’ll change because those are just words. Actions are another story. Wait until you see some actual effort from him before you decide to buy what he’s selling


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sparta3 said:


> I talked to him, not mentioning what I heard but I brought up the important issues. I felt if I came in swinging, he'd shut down. He said he was too drunk to be aware of what he was saying and he didn't remember. I told him I heard him talking all night but I didn't mention what I heard, I said it was very loud and he said he must have been saying something dumb because he was drunk.
> 
> He said he's not cheating. Some girls sent him nudes trying to get with him and he deleted them because he wants to be with me. He didn't feel comfortable telling me about it the more recent times it has happened because I got upset one time when I heard that something like that happened. He said other people want to be with him but he doesn't want the attention and gets uncomfortable because he gets previous coworkers or college people trying to get with him, especially since they saw pictures of our new house on Facebook and they are gold diggers.
> 
> ...


Yes as if a lying cheat will tell you he is going to cheat. You are being hoodwinked and making excuses for this POS H.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Sparta3 said:


> I talked to him, not mentioning what I heard but I brought up the important issues. I felt if I came in swinging, he'd shut down. He said he was too drunk to be aware of what he was saying and he didn't remember. I told him I heard him talking all night but I didn't mention what I heard, I said it was very loud and he said he must have been saying something dumb because he was drunk.
> 
> He said he's not cheating. Some girls sent him nudes trying to get with him and he deleted them because he wants to be with me. He didn't feel comfortable telling me about it the more recent times it has happened because I got upset one time when I heard that something like that happened. He said other people want to be with him but he doesn't want the attention and gets uncomfortable because he gets previous coworkers or college people trying to get with him, especially since they saw pictures of our new house on Facebook and they are gold diggers.
> 
> ...


Sparta, he is lying to you and you want so badly to believe him. I completely understand why you would do this. BUT, now he knows that you are suspicious. If, he indeed, was planning to divorce you, he now will take it underground and speed up the process. You should NOT have said anything to him until you had more evidence. 

I'm not sure exactly, where you are with this mentally, but you have GOT TO TAKE ACTION NOW!!!!!! At a minimum, hide a VAR in his car. I would also consider a GPS tracker for his car. One week with these two devices, and you will know the truth. That is, assuming that you even want to know the truth. Because from where I am sitting, it looks bad. Your husband, I believe, was gaslighting you. 

You need to protect yourself and your children. A good VAR can be purchased on Amazon for around $60.00 and a GPS tracker, about $30.00. You can get one month of cell service for around $30.00 for the tracker. At least this way, you will have some control, and better yet, some real answers. I think you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP, if for anything, just to know what you are entitled to and begin the process of protecting yourself legally and financially. He will not know and a divorce is not final until it's final. 

Or, you can go on, living in a mystery and hoping that everything is ok, but I think you will just end up back here with the same problem.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

If women really are hitting him up on social (_which I doubt, probably other way around_) it's because he's presenting himself as available.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Openminded said:


> I posted this on your other thread too:
> 
> Having more kids not only won’t help, it will likely make a dysfunctional marriage considerably worse. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life taking care of more and more kids (it’s always “just one more”) while he continues to get drunk and says stuff he claims he doesn’t remember or doesn’t mean. It’s easy for him to say he’ll change because those are just words. Actions are another story. Wait until you see some actual effort from him before you decide to buy what he’s selling


Also alcohol is a truth serum more than a lie serum. What kind of people make up stories about hating their wife and cheating when they are drinking???

Sounds like a full rug sweep is happening. 🙁


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh honey, you're being played. So played. Please don't fall for his BS. At the very least, see a couple of lawyers so that you know your rights in the event of a divorce. Knowledge is power.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m always surprised by the amount of women that actually believe having a kid can fix a marriage. You might be able to catch a hot fly by getting pregnant the first time but trying to repair a marriage with a kid is a fool’s errand.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m always surprised by the amount of women that actually believe having a kid can fix a marriage. You might be able to catch a hot fly by getting pregnant the first time but trying to repair a marriage with a kid is a fool’s errand.


AND totally unfair to the kid


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

aine said:


> AND totally unfair to the kid


QFT. So unfair and so so wrong. No baby should be born with a job.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’ve been given good advice. Please don’t be naive enough to think your husband isn’t a cheater and isn’t cheating. Women don’t send nudes to guys who aren’t communicating to them that they are willing and wanting.

you need to see an attorney. You need to stop even considering having more children, and you need to consider seeing several therapists until you find one that actually helps you come to grips with the reality of how painful it is to start life over. Let me say that it’s far more painful to not start life over, when you’re married to a cheater.

one last thing: your husband is a liar. And lies often. He’s not a good person.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It was obvious in your first post that you would not go the 'shock and awe' route as you want to remain a stay at home mom. With a 10 month old, that's understandable.

However, your conversation accomplished nothing. In fact, it was worse than doing nothing. It affirmed for him that he is still in the driver's seat and can buffalo you at will. You are now in the unenviable position of asking the server "Please, sir, may I have some more".


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m always surprised by the amount of women that actually believe having a kid can fix a marriage. You might be able to catch a hot fly by getting pregnant the first time but trying to repair a marriage with a kid is a fool’s errand.


I don't believe having a baby can fix a marriage. I am not having another baby to try and fix the marriage.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I'm planning on talking to him tomorrow about the specific things he said. I have a friend who's going to watch the kids. I don't have a problem with leaving if I need to because I can get a job and support myself and the kids. I just feel like I need to hear from him about what he said and I don't want to throw everything away when I don't have evidence that something happened.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Sparta3 said:


> I'm planning on talking to him tomorrow about the specific things he said. I have a friend who's going to watch the kids. I don't have a problem with leaving if I need to because I can get a job and support myself and the kids. I just feel like I need to hear from him about what he said and I don't want to throw everything away when I don't have evidence that something happened.


Well let me save you the conversation and babysitting money.

He will say: I was drunk I didn’t mean it. I don’t remember it. I never had an affair. Why are we still talking about this? I going to be a better man, our marriage is worth so much. I love you. I’d never break up our family. I’ve never cheated. I would never cheat. I will never cheat. Why are you asking me hurtful things? You didn’t hear the conversation in full you must not understand what I was actually saying. What about that time in 2016 when you said that thing about my teeth being too yellow? Let’s have more kids.

Come back to this thread when you find more evidence of his cheating or when he leaves you for one of his affair girls. When you’re ready to listen to the VERY sound advice everyone has given you. He’s going to hide it very well from you now so it may be a while. Good luck!

*** you don’t have evidence because you did exactly the opposite of what people here told you to do to GET the evidence.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

After seeing countless stories on here about cheating it would be wise for you too understand that your approach is completely wrong. Cheaters lie ..... they all lie. Not in one million years is he going to say “Yeah I said all that stuff”. 

What is going to happen now is that he will hide it better. 

When people get drunk they lose there inhibitors.... they get sexual if they are hot for you, the yell about their boss .... or say they hate their wife. They say what they are thinking...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> Well let me save you the conversation and babysitting money.


He will say:

I was drunk
I didn’t mean it.
I don’t remember it.
I never had an affair.
Why are we still talking about this?
I going to be a better man,
our marriage is worth so much.
I love you.
I’d never break up our family.
I’ve never cheated.
I would never cheat.
I will never cheat.
Why are you asking me hurtful things?
You didn’t hear the conversation in full you must not understand what I was actually saying. 
What about that time in 2016 when you said that thing about my teeth being too yellow?
Let’s have more kids.
Too good to leave jumbled up in a paragraph. Here she can refer to them by number.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I just think if he didn't want me to know what he was thinking about me and was trying to cover it up, why would he talk to his friend right outside of the bedroom door?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Sparta3 said:


> I just think if he didn't want me to know what he was thinking about me and was trying to cover it up, why would he talk to his friend right outside of the bedroom door?


Why do drunk people think lighting themselves on fire or puking on their own face or laying in a puddle on the street is a good idea? Because they are drunk!

(And maybe because he also knows you will believe every single thing he lies to you about later)


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sparta3 said:


> I just think if he didn't want me to know what he was thinking about me and was trying to cover it up, why would he talk to his friend right outside of the bedroom door?


Stop making excuses for him. He was drunk, is a blunt loud mouth who thought you were asleep and has no filter. (you said that about him yourself). The universe has blessed you with inside information, use it and stop justifying his actions.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

He told me he has been cheating because he feels I am not meeting his needs. Basically it started when I was pregnant with the second baby and was busy with moving twice, a pandemic, and building a new house. But I evidently wasn't cleaning the house, having sex, and working out in the gym enough for him during that time. I recognize that I probably wasn't but I was busy giving him children. 

He said he wants to work things out and stop cheating.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sparta3 said:


> He told me he has been cheating because he feels I am not meeting his needs. . Basically it started when I was pregnant with the second baby and was busy with moving twice, a pandemic, and building a new house. But I evidently wasn't cleaning the house, having sex, and working out in the gym enough for him during that time. I recognize that I probably wasn't but I was busy giving him children.
> 
> He said he wants to work things out and stop cheating.


Please, for the love of civilized humanity, PLEASE don’t say that this quote is acceptable to you and you are going to attempt to stay in a marriage where the guy has admitted cheating, in his own drunken words tells a guy in front of you how little he values you and shows you with his actions.

This is one of the weakest BS excuses I’ve seen. He doesn’t even care enough about the thought of you leaving to come up with a decent line of ******** or attempt to gaslight you like any lowlife cheater who knows how good he really has it with his wife will attempt to do...... 

Please don’t disappoint yourself and dignify this garbage he’s told you with any response other than——“I think it’s time you’re a free man and can chase women with a clear conscience. I want you to be happy.”

Then, get a shark lawyer, hammer him in divorce so you can take care of your kids and treat him with the disrespect he has shown you for years. 
Your husband is a serial cheater and in this case, there’s no chance of him changing. He likes cheating.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Sparta3 said:


> He told me he has been cheating because he feels I am not meeting his needs. Basically it started when I was pregnant with the second baby and was busy with moving twice, a pandemic, and building a new house. But I evidently wasn't cleaning the house, having sex, and working out in the gym enough for him during that time. I recognize that I probably wasn't but I was busy giving him children.
> 
> He said he wants to work things out and stop cheating.


Sparta, your husband is a jackass! He has no business blaming you for his weakness, lack of boundaries and lack of respect for the vows that HE TOOK when he married you! 

An emotionally mature and healthy couple will sit down with each other and discuss issues that they might be unhappy about (sex, money, work, stress, chores, etc) and come to a compromise that works for both parties. They DO NOT go outside the marriage for sex! If the issues are too great to overcome, then they separate and/or divorce. 

Over the years, my wife and I have had a couple of these sit down talks to discuss problems in our marriage; sex being one of the biggies. And, thank God, we were able to always work it out/compromise in a way that we were both happy. But I NEVER fathomed going outside of the marriage for sex. NEVER! Looking back, we were always able to work it out because of how we both love each other and want each other to be happy.

The point is, THIS is how married people handle these situations..... you talk these things/problems through and do your best to compromise and come up with solutions; not going looking for sex elsewhere only to later blame the poor betrayed spouse for not doing enough. Your husband is full of sh!t! And deep down, you KNOW he is full of sh!t. But, you are trying desperately to believe him because you are just too scared of the prospect of having to leave him. 

Is he willing to disclose ALL of the gory details of his cheating? Is he prepared to go "no contact" with his affair partner, even if it means quitting his job? Is he ready to let you examine his phone, computer and email at any time that you wish? Is he willing to let you track him via a cellphone app? These are just the surface concessions that he has to make to begin the reconciliation process with you. And this will take YEARS for him to regain some semblance of trust from you. 

Are you willing to suffer through the "mind movies" of his affairs? Are you willing to go through years and years of worrying about why he came home late one night from work, or didn't answer his cellphone for several hours one day? Are you prepared for the fear that will arise when a strange rash might show up on private parts? This is just a fraction of what you have to look forward to with reconciliation. As much as you may think that you want it, it rarely ever works out. 

But, like I said earlier, get a VAR and a GPS tracker for his car. I'll bet dollars to donuts, that when the smoke clears (and even possibly before), he will be back to his "shenanigans", and you will be right back here, with the exact same problem.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Sparta3 said:


> He told me he has been cheating because he feels I am not meeting his needs. Basically it started when I was pregnant with the second baby and was busy with moving twice, a pandemic, and building a new house. But I evidently wasn't cleaning the house, having sex, and working out in the gym enough for him during that time. I recognize that I probably wasn't but I was busy giving him children.
> 
> He said he wants to work things out and stop cheating.


Oh good he’s finally admitted something and of course on to the next thing where it’s all your fault he stuck his **** in some other person. Now he will try very hard to allow you to prove that you deserve him and his fabulous self. You can jump through fiery hoops like a pathetic monkey (I did this) or you can do the reasonable thing and do the 180 and see a lawyer ASAP.

Please understand that the reasons he gave himself for cheating doesn’t mean they are true. You did nothing to deserve being cheated on and you did not cause this. This is a defect in HIM, not you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He straight up admitted it. I can hardly believe it. I guess in his distorted mind he is that bold about it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sparta3 said:


> He told me he has been cheating because he feels I am not meeting his needs. Basically it started when I was pregnant with the second baby and was busy with moving twice, a pandemic, and building a new house. But I evidently wasn't cleaning the house, having sex, and working out in the gym enough for him during that time. I recognize that I probably wasn't but I was busy giving him children.
> 
> He said he wants to work things out and stop cheating.


Says every cheater ever.

"It's YOUR fault, you're not meeting my needs."

That's ******** I hope you realize that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What your husband expected was unrealistic. You know that. He cheated because he felt entitled. What he is entitled to is a divorce. Then he can make his own living arrangements, do his own packing and clean his own bloody house. He's probably already working on his next list of excuses i.e. you burned the spaghetti or you laughed at the wrong time or there was dust on the windowsill.

See an attorney and separate immediately.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sparta3 said:


> He told me he has been cheating because he feels I am not meeting his needs. Basically it started when I was pregnant with the second baby and was busy with moving twice, a pandemic, and building a new house. But I evidently wasn't cleaning the house, having sex, and working out in the gym enough for him during that time. I recognize that I probably wasn't but I was busy giving him children.
> 
> He said he wants to work things out and stop cheating.


You're still in a fog, and you haven't had your fill of his lying, cheating ass yet. Maybe you should continue your relationship with him until you actually realize what a loser he is. That will make dumping him easier.

I hope you can wise up before going through that, but sometimes that's what it takes.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I'm planning on leaving tomorrow. I don't deserve the abuse. I'm worried about my kids though and how messed up they'll be having a dad like that for the rest of their lives.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sparta3 said:


> I'm planning on leaving tomorrow. I don't deserve the abuse. I'm worried about my kids though and how messed up they'll be having a dad like that for the rest of their lives.


Do you have a support system? Where are you going when you leave?

You can't control who their father is, but you can control how much abuse they're subjected to. Not only should you, but you must.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Do you have a support system? Where are you going when you leave?
> 
> You can't control who their father is, but you can control how much abuse they're subjected to. Not only should you, but you must.


Off topic but a woman has total control who the father is.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> Off topic but a woman has total control who the father is.


LOL. Not after they're born, like hers.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sfort said:


> LOL. Not after they're born, like hers.


Lol true. Although I'm sure the warning signs were there, in bright neon probably.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Sparta3 said:


> I'm planning on leaving tomorrow. I don't deserve the abuse. I'm worried about my kids though and how messed up they'll be having a dad like that for the rest of their lives.


Is he a decent father to them when he has them? You can expect at least that much, perhaps a little more if he is guilt parenting.

Be prepared for the next thing, the love bombing when he realizes he isn’t happy with whats going to happen now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When he sees what his attorney tells him he will likely pay in spousal and child support, he will definitely unleash the b-52’s with nukes loaded with radioactive “love” -no doubt.
Good call.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Lol true. Although I'm sure the warning signs were there, in bright neon probably.


Thanks for the victim-blaming.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I'm in a safe place now, getting an attorney. I realize I've been abused in many ways but I felt like I deserved it. I'm trying to keep him away from the kids but in my area, usually parenting is shared unless there's physical violence (documented by police).


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Sparta3 said:


> I'm planning on leaving tomorrow. I don't deserve the abuse. I'm worried about my kids though and how messed up they'll be having a dad like that for the rest of their lives.


Better to take the kids away from a toxic situation than expose them to it for years, giving them a warped example of marriage to have to un-learn so they aren't doomed to repeat it in their own adult lives.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Better to take the kids away from a toxic situation than expose them to it for years, giving them a warped example of marriage to have to un-learn so they aren't doomed to repeat it in their own adult lives.


The term "Staying together for the kids" should be changed to "Staying to poison the kids and handicap their chances of achieving happiness in their lives".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's in the military - are any of his sex partners also in the military?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Sparta3 it bewilders me that cheating spouses come up with the "you weren't there for me so I had sex with someone else" line.

It's like they are scared that if they attempt to get sexual relief by themselves that their tickle-tackle or their woo-woo will drop off or wizen up.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Sparta3 said:


> I'm in a safe place now, getting an attorney. I realize I've been abused in many ways but I felt like I deserved it. I'm trying to keep him away from the kids but in my area, usually parenting is shared unless there's physical violence (documented by police).


You have never deserved abuse, probably you’ll have to come to terms with why you tolerated it, but don’t ever think you’ve deserved it.

Ask your attorney for help in getting more custody of your kids given the circumstances. They may be able to recommend some courses of action to help you. Document every minute he does and does not spend with them. Document as much as you can remember in the prior weeks as well. If he isn’t making an effort to see them and parent them now, it likely won’t be very realistic to think he will be granted 50%. But you have to document.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Good for you @Sparta. is there some sort of service offered to military wives when partners cheat. I thought the military takes a dim view of cheating?


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I took the kids and am staying at my sister's house. I got an attorney who said not to talk to my husband. He called the police over the weekend He's starting to visit the kids somewhat and we'll figure out how that'll look. Now that I'm out of the situation I realize that there was extensive abuse and gaslighting from the beginning. I'm talking to the domestic violence shelters and have a counselor and support group.


Where I am, parenting is always shared unless you can prove that one spouse is abusing the kids. Usually the assets are equitably shared. We'll see how it turns out because he was not involved in raising the kids when we were together. He loved the idea of everyone thinking he was a great dad.

It's hard grieving the loss of the idealized relationship I thought I had. I'm very emotionally vulnerable and it's hard to keep from just going back to him because it'd be convenient. He controlled so much of my life that it's difficult to be on my own now but my family is helping me. I feel really badly for the kids and hate the situation in general. I'm trying to stay positive and be happy that he's not abusing me any more but as far as the court goes, it doesn't seem to matter.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you! I’m so glad family is helping out. If he didn’t have much to do with the kids previously, his interest and effort will eventually wane. Selfish people rarely change in that way. 

Hugs and high fives to you!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Build yourself a new life and get happy....
You can accomplish what you put your mind to doing. Good luck. I think you made a wise choice


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

Now I have talked to a lot of attorneys. I spent 3k trying for a dissolution that he continually argued over. I want to keep the kids with me in a county an hour away from our marital home.

The attorneys say in the county where our marital home is, the court doesn't let one parent move the kids out of the county with the other parent unless there's a really good reason. Infidelity or psychological/emotional abuse is not a reason because you can't prove it and I can't prove the kids are being abused. They're really little. 

The court also believes in shared parenting so he'd get them a lot. Since he lives in that county then they'd have to go to school there when they get in school and he'd become the main custodial parent.

All the assets are wrapped up in the marital home that we just built so there's no splitting it. He can afford it on his own because of his high-paying job. I won't have enough money to try and fight the custody battle that I need to fight. I don't want to move to the same city as him to be nearer to the kids because my family is in the other city and it's expensive to live there. My earning potential is lower and I haven't had a job for 3 years.

I'm legally stuck and now he's so pissed off that he probably won't take me back anyway. I'd have to be groveling but otherwise I won't see my kids growing up. I'll be the one who visits and my visiting time will be when they are doing sports or school stuff on the weekend later on down the road.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Sparta3 said:


> Now I have talked to a lot of attorneys. I spent 3k trying for a dissolution that he continually argued over. I want to keep the kids with me in a county an hour away from our marital home.
> 
> The attorneys say in the county where our marital home is, the court doesn't let one parent move the kids out of the county with the other parent unless there's a really good reason. Infidelity or psychological/emotional abuse is not a reason because you can't prove it and I can't prove the kids are being abused. They're really little.
> 
> ...


I really don’t understand how he can make so much more than you and you’re supposed to live destitute and not have your kids. I don’t get it.

I haven’t heard of too many situations where the courts didn’t try to lessen the income gap when one spouse made little to no money and the other was the primary financial contributor, or indicate taking custody away from the parent who is the primary caretaker because she can’t afford to live in that city. Regardless, obviously you have to stay in the county... giving up your kids is not an option. Can you just go stay with family for a few months (not moving just visiting) and see if he cools off and comes to better terms with you? In the mean time meeting in the middle for pickups and drop offs for his days with the kids? Maybe you can also start looking for jobs and more affordable housing.

I’m sorry but that sounds pretty weird. Legally. Never heard of such a thing.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

It seems weird to me as well but that's how the court is in that county. I'd like to try and file where I am now but I'd have to be here 90 days and he can appeal that and move it back to where the marital home is. 

He said he can keep them Mon-Thursday and I can get them for the weekend. The court says they have to live in that county so I guess it's about as fair as can be, especially since he's gone for Army duty and things like that. I think I have a lawyer who'd be able to negotiate pretty well to help me but he's really planned this so I'll end up with very little when we split.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wait... So if he’s gone for army duty, how in the world does he get the children??


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wait... So if he’s gone for army duty, how in the world does he get the children??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah something seems amiss about the whole legal situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> Yeah something seems amiss about the whole legal situation.


Might be that the local courts are chugging along the highway, "Going Their Own Way" and if so, they need to be pulled over by the Cops.


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

He filled for five in early June and our first court date is Monday. My new attorney seems pretty optimistic about the situation. I got a great job in my chosen field and my parents remodeled the house that I grew up in that they still own and I'm moving in soon. The kids are involved in lots of play groups and classes. They love having friends and family around all the time. I am looking into daycares. Hopefully the court will let them stay here. My husband has only asked to see them 28 hours per week.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sparta3 said:


> He filled for five in early June and our first court date is Monday. My new attorney seems pretty optimistic about the situation. I got a great job in my chosen field and my parents remodeled the house that I grew up in that they still own and I'm moving in soon. The kids are involved in lots of play groups and classes. They love having friends and family around all the time. I am looking into daycares. Hopefully the court will let them stay here. My husband has only asked to see them 28 hours per week.


So glad it looks better than your last post.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Just catching up now…he wants you to have them all weekends so he can still socialize. I’d be willing to bet when push comes to shove he’ll leave them with you a lot more often. Keep track of how much he keeps them to help make the child support agreement fair. Good luck!!!!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sparta3 said:


> It seems weird to me as well but that's how the court is in that county. I'd like to try and file where I am now but I'd have to be here 90 days and he can appeal that and move it back to where the marital home is.
> 
> He said he can keep them Mon-Thursday and I can get them for the weekend. The court says they have to live in that county so I guess it's about as fair as can be, especially since he's gone for Army duty and things like that. I think I have a lawyer who'd be able to negotiate pretty well to help me but he's really planned this so I'll end up with very little when we split.


What state is he registered to vote in. I would think that would be considered his legal residence. Not where he is necessarily stationed.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I hope since you’ll have them most of the time he will have to pay you a lot of child support! 
Also, see if he has to pay you half the value of the house - if he keeps the house!

Ask the court for him to cover the kids health/dental insurance premiums. And ask if you can claim some of his retirement account! Also any assets (investments) that may have occurred since you married him.

I’m glad your family is helping and you found a good job!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sparta3 said:


> It seems weird to me as well but that's how the court is in that county. I'd like to try and file where I am now but I'd have to be here 90 days and he can appeal that and move it back to where the marital home is.
> 
> He said he can keep them Mon-Thursday and I can get them for the weekend. The court says they have to live in that county so I guess it's about as fair as can be, especially since he's gone for Army duty and things like that. I think I have a lawyer who'd be able to negotiate pretty well to help me but he's really planned this so I'll end up with very little when we split.


ok caught up


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

Recently he decided to keep the kids without telling me so we had to have a new arrangement. He paid for daycare in his city as well so the kids are in 2 daycares. We petitioned the court for different custody orders. Hopefully they'll be decided soon because it's terrible for our kids to have such an unstable, unpredictable situation.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Sparta3 said:


> Recently he decided to keep the kids without telling me so we had to have a new arrangement. He paid for daycare in his city as well so the kids are in 2 daycares. We petitioned the court for different custody orders. Hopefully they'll be decided soon because it's terrible for our kids to have such an unstable, unpredictable situation.


Caught up. Sorry you’re dealing with his antics.
How are you today?


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I've been here a lot of anxiety in general. Now I'm running out of money in this high-conflict divorce and having a hard time coping with not having my kids for so much of the time. I think the kids are the ones suffering. I feel like I'm getting gaslighted by the court system because they seem to be doing what he wants to do. I talked to the ad litem who said overall he agrees with me but they have to show why shared custody doesn't work. 

I'm using a court parenting app to talk to the soon to be ex and he hasn't been harrassing me as much which is better for my mental health but I feel like I'm missing out on some evidence that I could be collecting so I'm not sure if I should get rid of the app or not.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I guess I’m not understanding how he’s being allowed to keep the kids after just randomly deciding to do so?? You said they were babies, who is taking care of them?


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

3Xnocharm said:


> I guess I’m not understanding how he’s being allowed to keep the kids after just randomly deciding to do so?? You said they were babies, who is taking care of them?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He has them in daycare. They attend two daycares now in 2 different cities.


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