# One partner desire kills the others flame?



## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

I started thinking tonight, while my husband and I was talking, could it be that since the person with the higher drive is always ready, and rarely says no, be the reason the other is never ready?

Lets put this in context, so partner A is ready about anytime, partner B knows this, and because it is in abundance, and can be acquired anytime. Because of this the priority is pushed down the list. I have only these hours to A.... but I can do B any time I want, so right now I need to do A. (A can be sleeping, eating, watching t.v., computer games whatever.)

It's kinda like cuddling, during the heat of the summer when you have nothing but, cuddling isn't welcomed, however in the freeze in the winter the warmth feels great.

I have a similar issue, but I was "taught" long ago that there is no reason to say no, so unless it was really early in the morning and my unconscious me decided sleep was more important.... Would starting to say no increase his drive? And equally the one who denies because the partners drive is much higher, if they just went ahead and said yes each and every time, would the higher drived partners drive diminish?

So it's hard to want something you have. And people love stuff they can't have.

Ok bedtime... my thought for the day, what do you think?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Yes, being too available often turns off the other partner. Playing "hard to get" tends to increase desire in one's partner. Not always. Not the only factor at play. But that is one piece of the puzzle.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I understand you point, but ...

I can eat and drink whenever I want, as food is always available. Somehow, though, I still want it several times a day. Sex is like that too, for me. And you're only thinking about your needs and desires - when do his become important to you as well? Are any of your needs and desires important to him, and does he make an effort to satisfy them? Or, is one of you selfish?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its a very interesting idea. The low desire person can have sex whenever they want, so it seems to have little value. They never know what it is like to do without. 

Maybe this leads to a natural feedback to make many relationships sexually unbalanced. The person who wants more is made to feel that it is rare and valuble, so the want ever more. The person who wants less feels it has less and less value.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

The answer is yes. But I really believe that the HD/LD dynamic is much more situational than we are willing to admit. Go to the Men's Clubhouse and read the posts under the Better Man sticky. Pay particular attention to Mem's lowering the thermostat thread. It deals with the dynamic in the situational context although its deals with more than that. You would find the whole thread interesting I think.


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## LisaKane (Jun 26, 2015)

Not in my experience. The more we have sex, the more we want sex. Rejection has never been a part of our lovemaking though. If he turned me down regularly that would lead to feelings of resentment and instead of wanting him more, I would want him less because I would start to see problems in the marriage that because of intimacy I can forgive and forget rather easily. It is a slippery slope to withhold sex due to feeling rejected. Instead, communicate and build a stronger bond in your marriage so you can feel more compassionate when he is feeling sleepy or sick.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Fancie217;

May I suggest you read some of Dr David Schnarch's books. 

He has both an interesting perspective on marriage and on HD/LD relationships. It might help you better understand your situation.

One of the things he says is that everything in marriage is a HD/LD compromise between two partners. In some marriages there is an HD partner for chocolate ice cream. Their parnter may hate chocolate ice cream. In that marriage they work things out so that when it is time for desert the HD chocolate partner get's chocolate and the LD-chocolate partner either gets vanilla or nothing. There is no right amount of chocolate ice cream that a coupls should have per week. It is all about them working together to find something that works in their marriage.

Similarly, there may be a HD watching football on TV on Sunday partner in a marriage. That doesn't mean that the sposue has to always watch football on Sunday with them. Similarly the HD football watching on TV partner may only be HD during the Autumn /Winter months of the year and LD for watching sports after the Super Bowl ends. There is no "right" amount of football watching on Sunday and the amount that a couple watches might change from month to month over the course of a year. Sex is exactly the same.

He also believes that marriage is a crucible where different things are added and the fire and pressure of marriage force both to transform into something else. That means that marriage (when done right) forces people to grow both as an individual and grow together.

Again, you might find some of his insights to be interesting as you discuss things with your spouse. Good luck to you in finding a compromise that both of you can grow to respect and enjoy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll add this to the conversation... An HD partner can get into the mindset of a hunter setting snares to catch his game. If there seems like there is scarce game, then the more snares the better. Then the result is the LD partner goes through the day in a minefield of where the slightest misstep will set off a snare of sexual pursuit. 

For example after my wife put the kids to bed, I dove on top of her like I was ready to go and started grabbing her butt. This is just out of habit, cause it is just what I like to do. Now if she would have responded in the slightest way, I would have had to actually get myself in the mood and keep going without missing a beat... BUT I took a moment to realize that I was NOT in the mood, and that I was only testing her to see what her response would be. I actually stopped and told her just that! She looked at me and basically told me that when i behave like that KNOWING that I am not really in the mood that it really diminishes her receptiveness for things to happen later. 

So, HD people out there... don't repeatedly "test" the waters for opportunity, you are probably better off just diving in when you are actually in the mood. 

Badsanta


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I can't comment on your situation but will say that the opposite is true. My LD ex killed any desire I had for him, in the end I would rather have eaten my own head than have sex with him. Even though I am a HD woman, the thought of sex with him was/is repulsive. Can't believe I used to love that man with all I had, at least we have remained friends post divorce as it is easier to be friends with someone you don't love anymore.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am HD with and LD wife. 
One interesting comment my wife made was "you never give me time to ask you to have sex."
Meaning, I always initiate faster or more frequently than she is able to produce the desire and subsequent initiation toward me.
However, she is a reactive desire person. Meaning even if she is not in the mood, 9 times out of 10 I can GET her in the mood.
Six, one half dozen the other.

Having said all this, I do think that sometimes the HD has to give the LD a breather in this regard. Even if I love riding a Harley Davidson and do it daily, at some point it's a good idea to park her in order to re-develop the "lust."


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> I can't comment on your situation but will say that the opposite is true. My LD ex killed any desire I had for him, in the end I would rather have eaten my own head than have sex with him. Even though I am a HD woman, the thought of sex with him was/is repulsive. Can't believe I used to love that man with all I had, at least we have remained friends post divorce as it is easier to be friends with someone you don't love anymore.


^^^ THIS. I was the HD, my XH the LD. His constant rejection of me killed any desire I had for him.

Conversely, a man who is clearly turned on by me turns me on the the nth degree.


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## xleilvparc (Jul 1, 2015)

The low desire person can have sex whenever they want


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think sex is fundamentally different from these other things. A partner can eat ice cream, watch football, etc by themselves or with friends. In most relationships sex is exclusive. The HD person cannot get there interests / needs met in any other way than with their partners. 



Young at Heart said:


> Dear Fancie217;
> 
> May I suggest you read some of Dr David Schnarch's books.
> 
> ...


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

LisaKane said:


> Not in my experience. The more we have sex, the more we want sex. Rejection has never been a part of our lovemaking though. If he turned me down regularly that would lead to feelings of resentment and instead of wanting him more, I would want him less because I would start to see problems in the marriage that because of intimacy I can forgive and forget rather easily. It is a slippery slope to withhold sex due to feeling rejected. Instead, communicate and build a stronger bond in your marriage so you can feel more compassionate when he is feeling sleepy or sick.


There are a ton of reasons for the HD/LD dynamic, so there's never an easy "fix" to the problem. I will say that my husband repeatedly turning me down for sex caused a lot of resentment. I'm still trying to get over that resentment even though our sex life has been getting better now for several months. I'm still very nervous to initiate sex as well. It has taken a toll on our marriage and it has been a lot of work trying to fix it. I don't think withholding sex, as a way to play hard to get, is a good idea. I think it can easily cause more problems than what it can possibly help. 

The book Give and Take, which takes info from the author's other book His Needs Her Needs really helped my marriage. I think it was a huge eye opener for my husband to realize just how important sex is to me. I would highly recommend either of those books, as something to read together. It was a great way to see what is most important for each of us and then working to meet each other's needs.


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