# Dealing with a "momma's boy"



## Stephanielee91 (Feb 22, 2013)

My Husband and I are newlyweds (have been married a little over a year now and dated 3 years before we got married). His mom completely babied him and did everything for him while he was living at home...and still does to his 30 year old brother who lives at home! It's not the typical momma's boy complaint of her getting in the middle of our marriage or anything. It's just that he cant do anything for himself! I show him how to do something or tell him how to do something a hundred times and he still cant do it or messes it up! Whether its helping clean, fixing something, picking up after himself...the simplest things & bigger things as well. He needs step by step instructions to do anything & still doesnt do it or messes up...it's almost like he does things wrong so I'll stop asking him and do it myself...which is whats starting to happen. It's so frustrating cause I feel like im raising a child instead of being a wife. He still relies on his mom for a lot too, if I won't do something for him and he doesn't want to do it, he will call his mom. When we moved recently, he didn't want to go through his clothes and pack them...guess who I came home to be packing his stuff...his mom! Once we got moved and he couldn't find certain things that he didn't pack, who drove to our house to go through boxes for him...his mom! It doesn't seem like a big deal when I read over this....but it's so frustrating and exhausting to have to constantly tell someone what needs to be done or what he should be doing. And i've stopped telling him things or what needs to be done to see what happens....and NOTHING happens. He wants kids but I dont see how he could help raise a child being so helpless in his own life. I don't know what to do to make him start doing things for himself and learning how to do everyday things. Any tips :scratchhead:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It sounds like you married my step son.


He won't change, he can't change.
He probably doesn't even understand why he has to change.

If you have a child with him you'll be a mother to 2 children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

If he's capable of doing something for himself don't do it. Stop being his mother and don't nag. Of he leaves something out, leave it. He will get the message. He had no reason to change if you pick up the slack


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Did you think marriage would change him?

You knew him for 3 years. Yes, he's a Mama's boy & expects you to wait on him & tie his shoes just like Mama.

Wouldn't life be simpler married to a self-sufficient, independent man?

I guess you can suggest counseling & agree with happysnappy to stop doing things for him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stephanielee91 said:


> it's almost like he does things wrong so I'll stop asking him and do it myself...which is whats starting to happen.


This is your biggest problem.

See yes he wants you to do for him the way mama did it. And yes he will absolutely muck it up so you'll do it. Total manipulation. I mean if you really believe he's that clueless then you've got much bigger problems than this. Bottom line is you are being played.

Your ONLY hope and this will suck big time is to let him do it wrong and suffer the consequences of it. Pick a few things and REFUSE to it for him. And if he calls mama over to do it then so be it. At least you're off the hook.

And btw do NOT have a baby with this man until this is fixed or managed.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with Mavash. Do not have a child with this man. You must not have lived together during your three years of dating to see how pathetic he is at simple tasks. He needs to step up or your resentment will grow and grow and grow so that it affects every part of your relationship.

Perhaps you need to outline household tasks that he will do and that you will do. Will he think that is unfair and that you should do it all? Is he chauvenistic to the core and thinks that a woman should do everything? If yes, you have a fundamental mindset problem there that you can either accept or will need to seriously think about this marriage.

He needs to know that his behavior and dependence on his mama is threatening your marriage and your happiness. Tell him that you feel like his mother due to his either intentional or pathetic ineptness.

Let him do his own laundry. My 13 year old son has been doing his for years (when he complained that I wasn't doing it often enough).

He should be responsible for cooking a few days a week and cleaning.

I wouldn't give him indefinitely. Maybe tell him that if things don't improve around here in 3 months, then the marriage is in danger because you didn't sign up to be his mama.

How pathetic that a grown man has to call his mother to pack and unpack for him. What a big baby. Is he non-functional without her, because she won't be around forever.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Talk to him, find very specific things you want him to be responsible for and follow through.

For example. I HATE to cook. My wife likes it. We both work, but I work out of the home most of the time. My job is to make sure the kitchen is clean when she gets home (dishes away, counter tops clear) so she can make dinner. She likes cooking but hates having to take the time to clean up so she can cook.

So, that's my job. Some days I'm too busy to do it so she'll do it when she's home. Not a big deal. Now, if it were to happen too many days in a row or she knows I was just being lazy, we're probably getting corn dogs and chips for dinner. I'm not even sure if it's a conscious "FU - you're getting frozen food" or more likely a "I'm tired so this is what's happening" her part, but it's what'll happen.

I don't even mind the frozen stuff, but I know she enjoys cooking and preparing stuff, so it's one of those things that makes me disappointed in myself if it happens too many days in a row. I'm not holding up my end of the deal.

He'll grow out of it, if you explain the why behind what you'd like him to do.


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## Stephanielee91 (Feb 22, 2013)

Emerald, we never lived together before we got married actually, I stay with him some and he'd stay with me some, but I never realized what a baby he can be. 

I love him to death and im not trying to down talk him

And I know I shouldn't pick up the slack, I just can't stand for things to not get done, but maybe I should suck it up and try and let him see how it is when nothing gets done.

Thanks everyone! I'm going to try talking to him again but this time I'm going to tell him that its starting to affect our marriage and my happiness. IsGirl3 is right, it's beginning to lead toward resentment..to him and my mother in law. Hopefully he'll step up after we talk.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Make sure you include the why. If you just tell him you want him to do something, especially with his upbringing, it'll sound like nagging.

Why is important.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Do be prepared, however, for him to fully believe that all of the "women's work" - that is, any and all domestic chores, and later any and all day-to-day parenting - are actually 100% your responsibility. If he's got this mindset, he may eventually "help" you, but is unlikely to ever think any of it is actually his responsibility as a functional adult who also lives in your home.

And if he's passive-agressive, he may believe the above and refuse to admit it to you. In which case, he'll just resent the hell out of "you foisting off your responsibilities on him" for any small thing you actually can get him to "help you" with. 

Not trying to be a downer, but you honestly have to find out what he's thinking and get him to clearly articulate his position. Some mindsets you can work with. Some, though, will just be something you keep battling for your entire marriage while resentments build up on both sides.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Lived with one for 20 years, finally left him. Could no longer take the ENDLESS selfishness (yes, I was like a single-parent to our child).



> He needs step by step instructions to do anything & still doesnt do it or messes up...it's almost like he does things wrong so I'll stop asking him and do it myself...which is whats starting to happen.


No, that's EXACTLY what it is!


Tell him that being his MOMMY is a turn-off.
Tell him that his MOMMY showing up to take care of HIS business is a turn-off.
Tell him YOU did not sign on to be HIS MOMMY.
Tell him YOU expect a HUSBAND, a PARTNER, an ADULT in an ADULT RELATIONSHIP.
Tell him if he INSISTS on treating you like his MOMMY, you are very sorry but you will be forced to quit sleeping with him because someone sleeping with their MOMMY is just SICK! :rofl:
Tell him his behavior and REFUSAL to act like a grown man, is SERIOUSLY damaging your relationship and your view of him!
Tell him that you love him, but UNTIL he 'mans up', you are NOT having children with him.


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