# Am I wrong for thinking this way



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Here is the deal, I know this will sound like i am sooo jealous of my wife but I feel that I am not. I feel that it is change that I do not like.
We had made some good headway on our marriage, things are looking up but it just seems she has lost total interest in me. 
All i know is that she has these two friends that are annoying me. My wife does not have many friends. Since she has created this facebook account, it is all she puts any effort and time towards. 
I am glad she has a hobby but what ticks me off, is she had to upgrade her phone to a blackberry phone. Now the darn thing never stops beeping. She has it connected to facebook. She always runs to it, she will text back and forth like there is no tomorrow but if i text her or call it is very short conversations. 
Yet she will text paragraphs and talk long times on the phone with there two girls. She has only known them for like 6 months, yet we have been together almost 10 years.
The other day i sent her an online e-card but it did not get to her until this sunday when i sent it last wednesday. What bothers me, is that she did not even open it, to read it. She just put it into a important folder and never touched it. 
Last night i rented the movie 2012 for us to watch, well, guess what during the whole movie that darn black berry kept beeping and she kept checking it all the time. 
So now i guess that thing is too important where we cannot have any time to ourselves now, which is really ticking me off right now... 
I am starting to get the nerve to tell her that it is either going to be them two friends, facebook and her black berry or ME! I really do not want to do that but i feel like i am being replaced by all three of these. I really feel this way cause here i am trying to fix our marriage but yet it feels like I do not matter anymore now.
This past weekend we were invited to a bar that my dad's band was playing at. Well, before these two friends of hers came around she would never go with me to any of the events of his band. 
Well, he finally got facebook and started to send the invites through facebook, well since her two friends are on there they are invited as well which i do not mind but now all of a sudden she wants to go to every event they have cause of the two girls.
She does not care if i go or not, this past saturday i put on a terrible shirt to see what she would say, i told her is this okay to wear? she tells me why do i care what you wear... i said well i do not want to look like a fool in front of you. She did not say anything else to me abuot it and i was like, ohhh i get it, even though i am there, your not really with me, your with your friend i thought to myself. That is how it was too, the whole night.
Now i told her this weekend i wanted to see a movie she was like okay, well yesterday i noticed her friend saying when i come over this saturday. Right there i stopped reading and later last night told her are we still going to see that movie and she was like ...what.... i do not know.. i do not know what i am doing this weekend. I said i thought we were gonna see that movie. She got all mad after that... 
I feel that since we are working on things and getting 8 years of damage repaired that me and her would matter alittle more then 6 months of friendship. I feel we should fix things, then after she can put some time towards them. am i wrong? 
Also, i am tired of the way she talks to me and respects me as well. She was talking in her sleep the other night and of course she was talking to her friend in the dream and she told her " well, his dumba*** has had some car accidents and has done some stupid a** stuff before". "He's an idiot what do you expect", (here is my favorite one from her from the other night ) " why do you want to get a divorce, you know how much money that is going to cost us " She did say all of those with in 10 minutes LOL... She is always telling me to shut up as well which i feel is wrong when your trying to change things.
I do not think she is cheating on me like i used to, i am not afraid of her friends, I just feel that she is not telling me how she really feels about me. 
Am i wrong for thinking and expecting her to put more time and effort into us, then worrying about her friend who just posted on facebook she has just farted to let everyone know,which then gets a message sent to my wifes blackberry, which interrupts us while maybe we are in deep conversation or having our alone time together????


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I don't understand why people are so obsessed with text messaging on cel? I hate it. I don't even have internet on my cel.  
Why don't you tell her that she is paying more attention to her friends, than you. Why is so important to be in touch with them all the day long?! Can't she meet them during the day? 
Ask her at least when you are together to ignore the cel, and use it only for important calls.


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## Mo Simpson (Jun 3, 2009)

Hi Tony

No, you're not wrong for thinking the way you're thinking. Your wife sounds as though she's lost interest in the marriage and is looking outside of the marriage for what she can't get in the marriage.

What went wrong that you and she split? Did you get any help with your marital problems before you tried to give it another go? You really should think about talking to someone to help you understand what's going on in your marriage and then figure out a way to make your marriage work. That is if the two of you still want to be married to each other?

It seems to me that if you are together then she should at least have the Blackberry on silent or in the other room. You need to see if she'll agree to that. Laying our rules TOGETHER is the best way to go in a situation like this.

However as I said, it seems to me that her attention is elsewhere and if you want to save your marriage then you're both going to have to do some work.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Deb and Mo simpson, i agree with you both. 
She had cheated on me about 6 years ago and she never really gave me closure, not to mention, he came back this past july which really tipped things but we went on vacation and he is now gone for good trust me.
i was a big time drinker for almost the 9 years of our marriage but i stopped drinking 7 months ago. I now see things alot clearer and seen the damage i done, so it is not all her, i was not really hear emotionally and was a complete a-hole to her i am surprised she is still here to be honest. I am pretty sure she loves me but i feel alot has been lost over the years and i do not like what i see and want to make it better but i feel she lacks the interest or will to meet me half way.. 
I do not mind her friends as long as they know they are and always will be second to my wife, me and our kids. That they do not get involved in our marriage like trying to tell her thats not right, he should be doing this instead of that, you should not have to do that for him type of stuff... 
Just because these two girls boyfriends are locked up, one of them for 20 years and the other like 5 years doesnt mean to use my wife as a fill in for this time nor should they act like she is single that she can just drop everything and run out to a bar or movie with them. 
When we first were married i had a lot of friends, when we had our first daughter my wife would always tell me "dont you think your going to run out with your friends and leave me here with the kid" I think i am going to start to use that on her. 
I do not mind her being on facebook, she does not have any hobbies so this is her hobby but when everytime someone on there posts to her wall or sends an email or makes a comment that thing does not need to be beeping, when she does not pay that kind of attention to me.
We are not splitting or divorcing thank god but it does seem as if she is not 100% with me. I cannot put my finger on it though. Not to mention my wife is on unemployment right now so she is home all day and sleeps most of it which sucks, i think she should clean more or go through stuff and organize while she has the time. Like going through the kids toys, old clothes, old makeup, medicines, old papers and magazines. but yet she just sits there all day. I feel she should also spend more time with our kids instead of letting them play the video games and watch tv all day. she does take them out but i want her to teach them social skills and how to act with people, how to talk to people. My oldest is almost 8 and she doesnt know how to ride a bike yet. Which is somewhat most of my fault cause of the drinking, which i choose over almost everything i have in my life which i deeply regret now. 
I can only put it like this. you do not realize what you had till you lost it... Well, i drank so much, i hated my wife cause i thought she was only here to make me miserable. It was like i was here but not behind the wheel during my drinking phase, once the beer was gone and i sobered up, i truly saw things how they are and what i did or made them to be. I was truly unhappy, i was mad at myself, i was feeling emotions i did not feel in 8 years. 
I instantly knew i loved my wife and did not want to leave her but when i was drinking thats all i wanted to do. I know it will take alot of time and effort but when we start to get it right she seems to slack off or not put in on it. I do have to stick up for her though right now cause these past two weeks she has felt like crap cause of allergies which she never had before but has them now. She is going to the doctor for something cause the over counter stuff is not cutting it for her. So she has not felt herself and i do need to take a step back on that.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I understand both of you. When you had relationship problems, she found a way to forget her problems, which is facebook. Give her time. She knows that you have changed, but she needs some time too, to recover her addiction to FB. Why don't you try to go on trips, or more often out together.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

LOL, that is the thing. I ask her all the time now lets go do something. My kids go to my moms house sat morning till sunday night most weekends. So there is time for us but what happens is she will usually go back to sleep after they leave from like 9 a.m. till 1p.m. which is pissing me off cause she does not need that much sleep lol. but when i say lets do something she is like what or i just want to sit in and relax. but now if one of those two girls says lets see a movie or go to a bar bam she is gone...
I just asked her what are we going to do this weekend and all i got was i do not know what i am doing. Though she was mad when i asked i am hoping she cooled down now cause i am about to call her. I am gonna say we need time together and were doing something this weekend even if she doesnt like it. Cause i saw on her face book her one friend say when i come over this saturday.. NOPE DONT THINK SO, i told my wife last time this happened that i had enough of her for the next 6 months. lol
Not to mention her friends do not work, one is disabled and the other is unemployed as well as my wife. But the thing is when ever there around we have to treat and i am sick of it cause all i hear from the wife is we dont have any money for that. but yet she can treat them to a movie and lunch but i could not go with right... Not to mention the last movie they saw was shutter, me and the wife saw the preview for it during a movie we went to see and shutter was not even talked about yet but the next thing i know is there all going even though i said to her that moment we saw the preview i really want to see that. lol
We are trying to set some trips up right now but i do not think she could take being away from them, lol.
Another thing that ticks me off is, i tell her instead of me talking to you i could send you emails if it is easier to do cause sometimes i go on and on but when i do the email thing i get hardly a reply from her usually no longer then a sentence or two but when she chats with anyone else you could write a book. 
What i do not understand either is why can she not try to put effort into us. I am tried of hearing the words and seeing no actions. I really feel like she is full of it most of the time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sit her down and ask her why her friends are more important than you. Ask her what she gets from them. Tell her your marriage can't continue if she chooses this path. Tell her you're willing to make changes - if SHE does.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Why doesn't she work?
It looks to me that she really is ignoring you. I don't believe that there is not something else going on between her and any of her friends. She is not a teenager that loves to chat with her friends. I don't get it! Are you sure that there is nothing going on?


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Well, i just talked to her for a half an hour and it was not good at all.... She is still mad at me from last night, cause i gave her crap about her friends and that she did not read my e-card i sent her.

Now she tells me that i need to get over the jealousy issue of her friends..... She says that i need to grow up and stop acting like a kid...
I told her on the phone what if i give her the choice of either me or her friends,facebook,blackberry. She would not answer me except for saying that she is not going to answer stupid questions like that. Then i said now who is acting like a kid, why wont you answer me? seems like i already know the answer myself lol.
She is not working cause she was laid off from her job and nothing else has come up yet. everything is not even enough from what were getting from unemployment. 
She keeps telling me that i am annoying her and that I am up her butt. Well, lets see... I work for 8 hours a day so she does not see me until 6 pm, then the kids go to sleep around 8:30 ish. Then it is just me and her for the rest of the night but around 9:30 she goes online till about 11:30. So how the heck am i up her butt and annoying her??? I do not see this. maybe she means that i am trying to get her attention when she is busy online okay i see that but i need attention too. 
I just asked her what are we doing this weekend and she tells me i do not know. I said do you not want to do anything? she says i have no plans for this weekend.... i thought to myself well, were married, dont you mean we do not have any plans, instead of sounding like shes single.
Oh turnera, to answer your question about sitting down and asking why her friends are more important to her then i am... The answer is they understand her..... what a crock, she has only known them 6 months....
Another thing too is on sunday we made a bet that. The bet is that i could not go from sunday till wednesday without being an a-hole to her. If i made it till today we were supposed to have sex tonight.. Well, while on the phone with her i mentioned do you remember what we said on sunday and she says oh my god i cannot believe your bringing that up now. She says i could not even do that.... 
You know what, i think i need to just get home tonight and tell her that i want a divorce... I am not going to compete with anyone, and i am tired of the way she treats me and respects me, which is zero... Of course i could not say more to her on the phone cause she is going to take a nap for the next two hours...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> The bet is that i could not go from sunday till wednesday without being an a-hole to her. If i made it till today we were supposed to have sex tonight..


 Why do you give her so much power? You are being a fool. 

Either tell her to get out, or spend her friend time during the 10 or so hours that you are out of the house WORKING to pay for her phone.

Period.

Time to man up.


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

Hi,

Sounds like you've played the "everything on the table and open" card with no success, now you need to distance from her, make other friends, go out yourself, if she doesn't care after that, after say a period of months then you know where it's all at.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Let me ask you guys this as well,

My theory is this, ever hear of its cheaper to keep her, then to leave her.

Well, my situation is this, she is unemployed for over a year now. We have two kids, my father made really good money and retired not too long ago. When he retired he set me up with some money not much but it was something since i never went to college and he felt bad. 
Before she got unemployed we had a nice egg saved up. Since she has been unemployed the unemployment is still short for are needs, so we have been using that money that was saved up. 
Well, were down to the last 1,500 now and she still has unemployment through the summer, there is now way that money will last that long. So thank god, for taxes right now cause that money is what will get us through till she gets a job or unemployment runs out. 
Instead of it being cheaper to keep her it is more like the only reason she is with me is cause it makes her life easy.
If we decide to divorce we would have to sell the house which i know will not sell cause it needs work and i planned on doing it but the market tanked and i am stuck with this piece of crap till better days. I have no money to fix it now. So we would have to foreclose if anything and her mother co-signed as well and it would screw her credit as well if not all of us.
Second, she would have to move back with her parents which means she would be in her old bedroom with two kids lol. Not to mention her father was laid off as well so i doubt that would last long. 
Third, her car is paid off but it is like 6-7 years old and will need fixing in the future which she cannot do but i know how to :O) money saved, if she was on her own she has no money to fix it. 
Fourth, I really do not think she could deal with taking the kids from me, she has told me this numerous times... I feel as if i just live with someone like a room mate instead of lovers.
If we split she would have to find any job cause she would be off my insurances, the kids will stay but screw her. She would also have to deal with me no matter what cause of the kids and i swear i would make her life hell especially if there was someone else lol.
I am right now trying to earn a degree in electronic engineering but mainly learning on my own due to school and work not working out with times. Once i am done with that and get that good paying job i will have funds to run her dry through the courts if i choose to be a **** and get full custody, she has no money for something like that at all. But if she wants to play games, then welcome to the field by all means.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

i think your right to distance myself i can lock myself up in my computer room and read and work on electronics for 12 hours straight. which i have been slacking off on anyways but it would get to her cause i would not help with the house and she would have to get her lazy butt up and do something lol...


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

Yeah don't get the attorney yet!! just relax, calm down, and give her game back to her. Smiling of course...be cool, be cool.


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

EE school? invent some circuits that will kill the power on her computer whenever you want!


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Heynowusa, give me some insight on how i should go about giving her game back? 

Last night, i was a little hot when i last posted but i cooled down. I had walked home which tooked a good 30 minutes, the wife was at the doc's getting some sinus infection taken care of. I know that has been bothering her for the past week and contributed to this mess cause she was totally not feeling good and i was just annoying her. 
Now i see this cause i had time to think when walking home. When i had gotten home i decided to be nice to her and try it that way to see how things were instead of coming home ready to fight in a war. 
I am glad i went that route, she was a little skeptical at first on my mood but once she saw i was not hostile, she opened up. Told me all about the doc visit and was relieved that it was a sinus infection and had some meds. 
Once the meds kicked in I told her some things and told her that i would back off a bit. She had told me that she is not trying to replace me or any of that i was thinking. She had told me just cause she makes plans with her friend doesnt mean that i am not going. Which was what i had thought. She had said alot of the time i say i am going to go but then last minute i change my mind. 
But i will tell you one thing i have in my arsenal. I was going to tell her last night that if she wants to go with them and i cannot go then she will need to have her parents watch the kids cause i wont be on that night nor will my parents. Cause i saw an event in her facebook for a event on a friday night and have not heard anything about it yet. If am i not asked to go or she says it is a girls only thing, well guess what I am not watching the kids, ask your parents. I believe, Heynowusa, this is what you mean by giving her back some game?


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

Yeah except you TOLD HER you would back off, dude don't tell her just do it. Ever play poker? you face your cards inward so others can't see them. Create some mystery about yourself, don't be so out front with everything she clearly doesn't want that anyway. 

As far as the babysitter thing I say yeah, or if you can't do that tell her fine but then i'm going out with the guys the next night then go out and stay out.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

ah ha, you mean to play hard to get.... 

Well, this morning before she had gotten up i checked the facebook page. She thinks i do not know the password but evertime she changes it I have a way to get the new one. So this morning i saw an event that she had marked as a maybe. Well, i went ahead and just cancelled it and will do so for any upcoming ones as well. 
I found out that part of facebook does not send an alert letting her know a new event was sent to her. Now if she calls me and accuses me of doing this, I am going to blow up and tell her it is either me or the facebook.
I know that was wrong but one of her friends husband is a very jealous guy. He made his wife get rid of the facebook. She made a comment to me saying stop being so jealous and get over it. Well, if it worked for that guy i am not backing down cause she says i need to get over it. lol


Also, this morning when she dropped me off, said bye and gave a peck. She said I love you and i just said bye. I probably wont call her either and when i get home i am not going to be mean or anything i am just going to keep busy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good with being busy, but tampering with her FB only brings you down to her level. And shows you are doing it cos you're too chicken to confront her. Women have to be able to respect their men.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

If a women has to be able to respect her man, does that mean a women, who has lost or does not show their man respect, will be able to one day? 
Right now I feel bad for what I did this morning to her FB account and I think I will back off from doing that now. Especially since she just called me. She was actually concerned about me, she actually ask if i was okay cause i seemed like i had an attitude this morning. 
I told her no i am not mad i just was in a good mood and you looked like you were not and i did not want to ruin either one of our days. She said oh, well i had a bad night last night due to the new meds making me sick. 
She had also asked why i keep deleting my folder that she has for me on a joint email account, i said you deleted everything that was in there that i was saving. You had also said to get my own email account, so everythime you put it there i do not know if your toying with me or what not. 
She says no silly i put it on there cause i was just mad at you and did not mean it. So please do not delete it anymore i want you on there... 
I wish the doctor would give her more medicine, if it has this effect on her. 

I think i may have just freaked out and had actually nothing, to have ever worried about in the first place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, yes, as long as you make it clear you will NOT stand for your wife going out whenever she wants with whomever she wants, or keeping secrets from you. You have the right to expect that in a marriage; and if you back down from that simple assumption, out of fear of angering her, then she loses respect for you. If you finally decide to protect your rights, she MAY grow back her respect. As long as you don't turn into a jerk about it. Always take the high road, be logical and cool and loving...but that's all.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

See that is what i was missing... I will NOT stand for my wife going out whenever she wants with whomever she wants... Which is know is not the case. 
The case is that, when i want us to do something usually it does not happen. She is too tired or just want to sit in and relax. 
But yet she will go with her friend to do anything and whenever, which makes me mad because why wont you go out with me.... 
Then because of the way i am, sometimes i say yes to an event, which sounds good at the time but then the day it happens i may feel like not going. So she tends not to invite me she just automatically thinks i will ask to go when the day comes but then i feel like the thrid wheel for asking to go or if i am included.
She did tell me i can always go but sometimes she thinks if it is going to be all girls i do not want to go. Which i feel is a cop-out. 
The thing is i want to fix things that have been messed up for 8 years now and I feel just sitting in and watching tv is not fixing things. I want to show her I am the same man now that she married almost 9 years ago. I want to take her out and have fun like we used to. I think then she would have more respect for me cause she is seeing that i am changing cause of my actions. But when we just sit in it is all talk. see my point


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That makes no sense. 

You say you won't stand for her going out whenever she wants and in the next breath, you say she WILL go with her friend to do anything and whenever. 

What's the difference?

Third wheel...that is YOUR issue. And it's not attractive.

Do you deserve to be with your wife or not? Start acting like it.

When she says no to going out with you, and turns around and goes out with her friends, for heavens sake, GO WITH HER!


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## Gwyeneth (Feb 28, 2010)

Tony,

You have every darn right to be Peed off. Facebook ,in not just my opinion, but many, is a homewrecker. It damages families and takes away the joy and simple pleasures of a loving, human family. I know too many people who've had marriages, and engagements torn apart due to Facebook obsessions. That's why my husband and I (as crazy as this sounds) vowed not to join Facebook or Myspace. There's too many distractions...or temptations when you have people paying attn to you or ex boy/girlfriends searching for you. It's not necessary in a marriage unless you two share an account or need to keep in touch with relatives that lives miles away. 

We recently got rid of our cell phones, and we are much calmer, attentive, romantic, plain happier. yes, that's drastic, but if it's important, people can reach us by landline. It's sad to see not only the children today obsessed with technology, but the parents behaving worse! If your wife is behaving so childish, lest she is 18, just imagine the future if this isn't stopped. She'll go from girls to men's attention b4 you know it. 

I hope she can grow up and realize that you have needs too. I wish you the best!


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

I do need to clear up with you guys about the facebook issue. When she is on facebook it is not all socializing, tracking down ex's, planning to go out, with out me. She plays that farmville game, Not to mention, when she goes back to work, she will not have the time anymore, like she has now. 
I check up on there whenever my little heart or whats left of it wants too. I have installed a program called facebook spy activity. It logs everything, If i have a bad feeling i can just go to it and check. 
I know it sounds bad but lets put it this way. I learned a very big lesson when i was cheated on. I had saved everything i had found out about them both and was going to use it in court, with the "alienation of affection" (look it up) but she had found the stash and tossed it.
So now i leave that program as a safe guard. If she cheats, shes going to cheat but i will have it all on record. 
I have already gotten her to get rid of myspace. it is only a matter of time before facebook is gone. Cant wait for her to start work again lol


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

Tony this is all sounds fine and dandy but you're kind of fathering her. Man up, become independant, go out with some buddies and get her all sticky for you. Without telling her: "this is my plan to make us close again."


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Well, last night was a fun night, NOT. I am really getting sick of my job and started to think about how to go back to school... I really want to do that, but everything i look at is full time for electronics. Or the school is to far for me to get to, if they have night classes even if i leave work early.
So last night I talked to her about this mentioning that i am getting tired of my job and i want better things in life then what we have with what we got now. I asked her dont you, she says yes but then when i mention school she got all on my case saying you already tried that and you blew it. 
I was going to a trade school but the course i was in after about 6 months, i had found out most of the jobs, I could get with just a high school diploma. So i cancelled the course, not like i gave up but it was a joke... 
So i do not care what she thinks or says about this i am going to do it and when i make decent money she can kiss my butt cause i am not giving any to her. I have not been this motivated in a long time. 
Does anyone know about any info on going back to school for the full time worker? I would love to quit and go back full time but i have no money for that, is there a way to do this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I went to night school for 15 years to get my BA. Not very encouraging, lol, but it can be done. Community colleges are your best bet. They have a LOT of 2 year (~60 hours credit) degrees you can get in electronics. If you do 2 classes a semester, that would be 5 years, unless you also take the mini courses in summer and winter. Plus, it would only cost a couple hundred dollars a semester (well, maybe a little more by now). You can take your lunch to work and save up that much.


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