# I'm the abuser! HELP!



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

*I'm the abuser! HELP! (Update)*

Today during a fight with my H, I tried to slit my wrists and my neck with a kitchen knife. He restrained me and hit me upside the head. I retaliated by punching, kicking, and slapping at him multiple times. The fight was far from over there, it dragged out over at least 4 hours, but that was the height of the physical confrontation.

Later, slightly calmer, I apologized for hitting him and told him something I've been telling him for months - I have an anger problem, I have mental health issues, and I want to get help. He fell back on his position, which is and has always been, I don't need help. To him, it's a simple matter of self control. I see the physical violence (and yelling, and crying, and everything else) as the symptoms of a larger problem.

I called a couple of crisis centers today and will probably be in some sort of counseling as soon as tomorrow, but I'm not exactly relived. I'm worried I'll never be able to beat my issues as long as my H continues to tell me I don't have any issues and I just need to buck up and stop imagining things.

Any former abusers out there want to tell me how they stopped? Any former victims try my H's approach of just telling the abuser to stop it? What works? And what's wrong with me?


----------



## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I'm not in the category that you asked for an answer, but I have been around a few mental health issues outside my marriage...

If you think you need help, get help.

I think there are a lot of stereotypes about which gender should have anger issues, and the truth is, mental issues are chemical. Something in your chemistry changes (sometimes very fast), and all of a sudden control is impossible.

You can have someone help you see your triggers, help you teach your H to help you, or even help with chemistry. You might have an allergy that needs to be eliminated or medically treated.

I think it's great that you're taking responsibility. Get the help. You're doing the right thing.


----------



## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I have mental health issues too and had a similar problem in that my family all told me I was imagining it and if I would just get up off my @$$ and stop being so lazy, all my problems would magically disappear.

When I left home, I thought about it and realised that I FEEL like I have a problem, so there is no harm in getting myself checked out. Turns out I had had severe depression and should have been receiving treatment since I was 12-ish (didn't move out till I was 19 or 20 I think it was). I had numerous health professionals tell me that I was not imagining it at all. I ended up with a lot of developmental problems because I hadn't received that treatment until later on in the piece.

So yeah. There is no harm in getting yourself checked out. You don't need your husband's opinion or permission to do it - those are irrelevent. If YOU feel there is a problem inside you, you owe it to yourself to go and see a counsellor/psychologist/community mental health team, etc. 

I also had a huge anger problem associated with depression and, looking back, it wasn't pretty. I was quite violent on occasion.... it took a lot to set me off but when I went off, I was like the devil incarnate! I was able to find out the reasons behind this (and there are ALWAYS reasons behind it) with the help of a psychologist. And I must say, it feels so much better knowing that you can control yourself if a triggering situation arises.. you feel a lot safer in yourself. 

So yeah. The "Just stop it" thing never works. There are reasons why you have this anger and it'd be beneficial for you to talk to a counsellor/psychologist tp deal with those issues. I find it a bit condescending when people tell me to just "stop it" or "get over it". The people who say this have no idea what is happening for us. So go make some phone calls today! Don't worry about what your husband says - it does not matter - do it for YOU.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Get into counseling now. Mental health is a very serious matter. It seems ignorant of your husband to argue with you about this. You are aware there is a problem and left untreated it could get worse. 

This isn't even an argument and I hope you will let your husband know in no uncertain terms that you are going to seek help with or without his support.


----------



## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Get into counseling now. Mental health is a very serious matter. It seems ignorant of your husband to argue with you about this. You are aware there is a problem and left untreated it could get worse.
> 
> This isn't even an argument and I hope you will let your husband know in no uncertain terms that you are going to seek help with or without his support.


I second this. Run, don't walk, and check yourself into the hospital. You need help RIGHT NOW!


----------



## Gman (Jun 11, 2010)

Inpatient sounds right - "a danger to self and others."


----------



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> this is about you addressing your problems, not his denial of his problems. As long as you say "i can't fix this until you accept it" you are giving yourself tacit permissin not to fix it, especially since you know he won't accept it.
> 
> 
> Hunt Brown


My H has his own idea of what's wrong with me - I'm addicted to therapy! I've been in and out of therapy of one kind or another since I was 6 (now 25) and the fact that I'm not "fixed" proves to him that therapy is a waste of time and energy.

He's also stated (and I may have written about this elsewhere) that it would be a breech of the privacy of our marriage for me to talk about our problems with a stranger. Obviously he doesn't know about this forum because if he did I'd be out on the curb before you could blink.

I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't seek help, I could continue to get worse and worse and do something really awful to myself or my H. If I do get help, he might leave me for breaking his trust!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> He's also stated (and I may have written about this elsewhere) that it would be a breech of the privacy of our marriage for me to talk about our problems with a stranger.


Waa waa, too bad for him. He is half of your marriage. The fact that he is so adamant about you NOT talking about your marriage frankly scares me and makes me wonder what is worse about your marriage that you aren't telling or aren't recognizing. That's a horrible thing for a husband to say to a wife who is obviously hurting.



> If I do get help, he might leave me for breaking his trust!


If he leaves you for THAT, he never loved you and you deserve better than him.

I quit taking ADs once because my husband felt it shamed him, and I was too needy and weak to stand up to him; I practically killed myself a couple of times after that, because I no longer took the ADs.

Now I no longer let HIM tell me what I should do with MY life.


----------



## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder?


----------



## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi,
I read your previous post somewhere indicating that you have bipolar but are not currently not taking any drugs as you're trying to address it with a "common sense" approach. 

Can you maybe see this episode as a "wake-up" call to seek professional help (i.e. psychiatrists)? At some level you do know that you need "help" and you're not getting them, and that's why you're here. At the same time, you would not come to this board for help if you had a broken bone just because your H thinks that you can heal your broken bone naturally. You would see a doctor to address your broken bone first because that's the most urgent issue that needs addressing.
Mental health is no different, and you need the specialists who can help you address your symptoms.

You have BP, and you could have hurt yourself or him with this episode. While I agree with the overall sentiments that drugs can be over prescribed, we all need drugs to address our most acute symptoms until they're under control. When we become healthy, we can work on becoming healthier. The journey into becoming healthy is knowing when we need external help. Please call your doctor and let him/her know about this episode. When you feel better, you'll be able to address other things in your life much better. Please take care of yourself.


----------



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

Well, after two more days of fighting, my H is finally convinced I need professional help. I'm definately getting worse. Yesterday my H just looked at me with this wounded expression and asked when I had changed, why I was hurting him. I had been begging all morning for him to leave me or let me leave him but he just kept saying "all we need is love." I was at the end of my rope so I just started screaming "I'm a horrible person and I hate you," hoping I could shock him into leaving me. I even asked if I cheated on him, would he leave me then? The answer was no.

Of course, I don't hate him. I don't want to cheat on him. I just don't want him to live with abuse and I'm terrified that I can't change. I'm getting back into counseling Monday and going to friends and my church to get additional support, but I'm still worried it won't be enough. When the situation is reversed and the man is abusing the woman, the advice is always "LEAVE he'll never change. Once an abuser always an abuser."

Is the most merciful thing to do just dissapearing while he's at work to save him from me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, the merciful thing is to provide him with what he wants: a healthy wife he can love.

Get help.


----------

