# What did you learn from a previous marriage or relationship



## Thundarr

My first marriage didn't work out which is not surprising considering how haphazardly we met, dated, married within a year. It ended seven years later.

Some things I learned at random;
- I learned to date long enough to see the real nature of a person. We weren't compatible at all. Two bosses with no one to boss around accept for each other.

- I learned to pay attention to how someone treats other people. That seems obvious but my ex was good to me to start out with so I didn't notice it. How people treat friends and family shows how they will treat you eventually (at least often).

- I learned that it's okay to be alone and wait for someone who's compatible. I didn't really get that being alone was perfectly fine until we were divorced and there I was alone. It was eye opening when the sun kept coming up every morning.

- I learned not to fall into the "nice guy" trap. As she started to pull away, I fell into the insecurity traps that often follow. I didn't know my struggle to keep from losing the family would come across so pathetic until looking back on it.

- I learned that when someone has no friends that it may be because they screw over people and lose friends.


There's a ton more things but that's just what popped in my head. I don't understand why some people have similar experiences to mine but then they continue to repeat their mistakes over and over. For example, I dated my current wife for seven years. We've been together for twenty years now. We are compatible, we have good boundaries, she's nice to me and others, she's respectful and intelligent, we are compatible. Anyway, just pondering.


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## Dreald

I was married for 14 months. We dated for 5 months in which I was dealing with the eventual death of my Mom, putting down my dog of 13 years and a court battle with her NPD husband.

I so wanted to get married and she seemed so 'right' but quickly realized, like you, that all she wanted was a wealthy sperm donor to make her life better and neglected any sort of input to my interests. I lost over $60k in her wedding/engagement ring, sale of home, honeymoon, paying offer her debt, etc. 

Next time, if there is a next time, I'll get married again after dating at least 2 years. There'll be a prenup next time. I will actively look for warning signs that I ignored the first go round. I will not be a beta husband. And I will ensure that she does not use sex for leverage.


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## Thundarr

Dreald said:


> I so wanted to get married and she seemed so 'right' but quickly realized, like you, that all she wanted was a wealthy sperm donor to make her life better and neglected any sort of input to my interests. I lost over $60k in her wedding/engagement ring, sale of home, honeymoon, paying offer her debt, etc.
> 
> Next time, if there is a next time, I'll get married again after dating at least 2 years. There'll be a prenup next time. I will actively look for warning signs that I ignored the first go round. I will not be a beta husband. And I will ensure that she does not use sex for leverage.


Yep. It pays to wait until the love chemicals wear off a little. "Next time, if there is a next time" is exactly how I felt. Eventually though enough time passed and I thought WTH am I waiting for so there was no need for a prenup. 

Learning from mistakes just makes sense to me but I see so many not doing that. I would have run the first sign of some warning signs that reminded me of my ex. That whole beta guy thing just sneaks up you too. But once out of a bad relationship it leaves a feeling of shame. Knowing to never allow the same disrespectful treatment will make your next one better when ever that happens. It'll actually make you a better man for your next wife. I wonder if I had met my current wife first how it would have worked out. Maybe not so good.


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## Faithful Wife

After my D, I spent a lot of time studying marriage, dating, relationships, sex, etc. I found out that everything I needed to know had been out there and available the whole time, but I just didn't read it or seek it out.

I worked on myself, found out my part in my failed marriage, did as much introspective work as I could, got counseling, etc.

I then entered the dating world as a true adult, for the first time. I understood what red flags really are and that there is really NO reason to ignore them, EVER. I nexted any guy who was even waving a pink flag.

When I met my now H, it wasn't like he was "perfect", but things really were different than with other guys. The way it felt (the blooming love between us) was so lovely but it was also grounded, not airy and dramatic. The sex was amazing (still is!) And yet, we had a lot of communication issues, a whole lot. So we spent 3 years dating, then 2 years of engagement before we tied the knot. At any time during that 5 years, I would have had no problem cutting it off if anything was too big of a problem to be overcome.

It is so much easier to break up with someone than it is to divorce them, is what I kept telling myself.

Boy am I glad! It has worked out great and I'm madly in love with the man of my dreams. The time we spent in getting to know each other and make sure it was right was all time well spent.


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## Thundarr

Faithful Wife said:


> After my D, I spent a lot of time studying marriage, dating, relationships, sex, etc. I found out that everything I needed to know had been out there and available the whole time, but I just didn't read it or seek it out.
> 
> I worked on myself, found out my part in my failed marriage, did as much introspective work as I could, got counseling, etc.
> 
> I then entered the dating world as a true adult, for the first time. I understood what red flags really are and that there is really NO reason to ignore them, EVER. I nexted any guy who was even waving a pink flag.
> 
> When I met my now H, it wasn't like he was "perfect", but things really were different than with other guys. The way it felt (the blooming love between us) was so lovely but it was also grounded, not airy and dramatic. The sex was amazing (still is!) And yet, we had a lot of communication issues, a whole lot. So we spent 3 years dating, then 2 years of engagement before we tied the knot. At any time during that 5 years, I would have had no problem cutting it off if anything was too big of a problem to be overcome.
> 
> It is so much easier to break up with someone than it is to divorce them, is what I kept telling myself.
> 
> Boy am I glad! It has worked out great and I'm madly in love with the man of my dreams. The time we spent in getting to know each other and make sure it was right was all time well spent.


Everyone should do this. To give yourself the right to be picky and the permission to say things aren't working out. This puts you in a position to value yourself which makes your partner know you are valuable. I wasn't nearly as smart about it as you were FW. I was just very trepid and a little jaded. Turns out this worked to my advantage. I was also adamant that I would never fall into any relationship that resembled the one I had gotten out of.


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## Faithful Wife

If someone really looks around for it, there is a lot of dating and "should I or shouldn't I" marriage advice and help out there. 

When I read your first post, the "married within a year" part is almost like having a sealed fate. I know there are exceptions to the rule, but mostly, the rule rules. One year (or less) is simply not enough time to get to know each other. People who are the exception to this rule should realize that they are the exception and should not advocate this practice to others. Marriage is too big of a decision and too difficult to get out of to not make sure you know everything you need to know before hand.

Of course, even if you do everything "right", you still might end up divorced. However, MOST who are divorced people can honestly say they saw warning signs and ignored them. That's the thing. When you see a warning sign and ignore it, then you only have yourself to ask "WTF happened?"


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## Wiserforit

I wrote down a list of attributes I wanted in a wife, and a list of deal-breakers. 

Now I am married to that girl.


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## Thundarr

Wiserforit said:


> I wrote down a list of attributes I wanted in a wife, and a list of deal-breakers.
> 
> Now I am married to that girl.


Then you are wiser for it. My list wasn't written down but I definitely had an internal list of things I would avoid at all cost.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'd rather work on my dream. Which, I realize, has nothing to do with being married. I'd welcome a relationship, if I find someone whose life nicely dovetailed with mine and who I was enthusiastic about emotionally, intellectually, and physically (or if he finds me) but that's not my dream. 

Wide awakening.


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## arbitrator

To not let a relationship be governed by my emotions, or for that matter, not let someone else's emotions govern the relationship. It's a partnership and should be treated as such with no one partner trying to exercise any physical or emotional dominance over the other!

Also, to follow to the tee the wise mantra of "trust, but verify" ~ but using it only when "probable cause" comes into play! To be anything but naive!

And if God should see fit to grant me another loving relationship, I would greatly hope to be able to use my 60's wisdom, my 50's maturity, my 40's saavy, my 30's ambition, and my 20's physicality to absolutely love and cherish whoever that lucky woman might be!


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## Thundarr

arbitrator said:


> To not let a relationship be governed by my emotions, or for that matter, not let someone else's emotions govern the relationship. It's a partnership and should be treated as such with no one partner trying to exercise any physical or emotional dominance over the other!
> 
> Also, to follow to the tee the wise mantra of "trust, but verify" ~ but using it only when "probable cause" comes into play! To be anything but naive!
> 
> And if God should see fit to grant me another loving relationship, I would greatly hope to be able to use my 60's wisdom, my 50's maturity, my 40's saavy, my 30's ambition, and my 20's physicality to absolutely love and cherish whoever that lucky woman might be!


Emotions screw us over quite often. Especially the ones like fear and insecurity. "trust but verify" I agree with too. To me it just means paying attention if red flags appear. Some people misinterpret it as being perpetually suspicious.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Thundarr said:


> Emotions screw us over quite often. Especially the ones like fear and insecurity. "trust but verify" I agree with too. To me it just means paying attention if red flags appear. Some people misinterpret it as being perpetually suspicious.


The one time I have run a background check on someone (I mean a serious background check) it has confirmed suspicions. Some people are just very sloppy about their behavior and what they tell you. If it doesn't add up, there's a reason. Ugh. In that case, I had to dump both my date and a potential business client. But I heard that he is being 'dumped' by another business concern as well, so it wasn't just me.


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## Holland

I learnt that even though I though I knew myself, I didn't. 

Post separation I spent a huge amount of time reading and learning about love and relationships.

Call me naive but back then i did not grasp what it meant for me to be with the right man *for me*. I was with a very good man, I have only ever dated good men.
Ex is hard working, caring, great dad, great friend, popular, social etc all the good things. I mistook the fact that just because he is a good man that he was the right man for me.

Now I know the right type of man for me. He is in my life and I am so deeply happy and in love. He is also a good man, in fact a great man but most importantly he is the right man. And even better, I am the right woman for him.


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## Shadow_Nirvana

I learned about sh!t tests and how it's never okay to let your gf meet up with an ex for a "supposedly" last talk for closure. Even if that ex someone your gf cheated on twice and he was engaged time to another girl at the time of the meeting.

I learned that it's never okay for someone to pressure you or throw tantrums and hiss fits when you don't want to marry at the time they thought you would marry. I learnt that it's never okay to be a doormat about anything.

On a happier note, however being broken into so many pieces by someone, makes you look at your broken shell from outside. And makes you see that you had flaws and issues that needed to be fixed. It also showed me that there are some truly effed up people in the world, there even more people who are so blissfully ignorant about their issues that they can't see that they are hurting themselves and others with every step they take.

Wow, I sound bitter:smthumbup:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I learned to really get to know a person before getting married.

I learned NOT to ignore or deny any red flags that may come about.

I learned to raise my own standards much higher and not ever settle for less.

By learning those things I'm now living in a wonderful and very fulfilling marriage. These last 14 years of my life have been the best years despite a few health issues.


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## Thundarr

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> I learned about sh!t tests and how it's never okay to let your gf meet up with an ex for a "supposedly" last talk for closure. Even if that ex someone your gf cheated on twice and he was engaged time to another girl at the time of the meeting.
> 
> I learned that it's never okay for someone to pressure you or throw tantrums and hiss fits when you don't want to marry at the time they thought you would marry. I learnt that it's never okay to be a doormat about anything.
> 
> On a happier note, however being broken into so many pieces by someone, makes you look at your broken shell from outside. And makes you see that you had flaws and issues that needed to be fixed. It also showed me that there are some truly effed up people in the world, there even more people who are so blissfully ignorant about their issues that they can't see that they are hurting themselves and others with every step they take.
> 
> Wow, I sound bitter:smthumbup:


Yea you sound like you want to go back and shake yourself and say "wake up [email protected]". I'm pissed at myself but really I throw some of the blame at my parents too. It's not enough to let your kids just figure it out when they grow up. Mom and dad both talk to their girls and boys about having self respect and respect for partners. To have a balance where their not jerks and their not doormatts either.

I'm just glad my first marriage was unsalvageable because had I learned to stand up while still married then maybe I would have been married to her longer and we were not compatible at all. Like Holland elluded to, compatibility is important even when respect and honesty are there.


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## Holland

Thundarr said:


> Yea you sound like you want to go back and shake yourself and say "wake up [email protected]". I'm pissed at myself but really I throw some of the blame at my parents too. It's not enough to let your kids just figure it out when they grow up. Mom and dad both talk to their girls and boys about having self respect and respect for partners. To have a balance where their not jerks and their not doormatts either.
> 
> I'm just glad my first marriage was unsalvageable because had I learned to stand up while still married then maybe I would have been married to her longer and we were not compatible at all. Like Holland elluded to, *compatibility is important even when respect and honesty are there.*


Yes this is so true. 

When ex and I split up everyone was shocked, we were the golden couple, no one could believe it. In the end I got sick of having to console other people when they found out I was getting divorced.

Ex and I had respect and even love right up to the end but we were not compatible. From the outside we had it all, kids, lifestyle and all the good stuff. We socialised a lot so people saw us out and about.
When we were at home we rarely chatted, it was like living alone at times.
I will never be in a situation like that again.


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## diwali123

I learned that having lots in common isn't necessarily important. I learned that just because has certain beliefs and political stances doesn't mean they will live my them in their personal lives. I learned that I need to look at how men have lived their lives, treated their exes, and how they get along with their families. Most important, I learned that if everyone in their family is absolutely bat**** crazy and they aren't, it's because the crazy hasn't hit yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

diwali123 said:


> *I learned that I need to look at how men have lived their lives, treated their exes, and how they get along with their families. Most important, I learned that if everyone in their family is absolutely bat**** crazy and they aren't, it's because the crazy hasn't hit yet.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It hasn't hit me yet but my wife maybe should be worried. I see quite of few bat**** crazies during the hollidays. I blame my normalcy on being a twin. We completely disrupted the normal disfunctional family dynamics with our own little alternate disfunctions.


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## heavensangel

I learned: 

To watch how a man treats his mother - it's a great indicator of how I'll be treated later (my mother taught me this....wish I would have listened to her back then)

That it's perfectly OK for me to speak up for myself (and my children) when being verbally/emotionally abused. 

That in the event things don't turn the way we planned, not to give up hope!!! 

That all is not lost when we make mistakes/bad choices......it is possible to recover from abuse and be stronger for it. I credit my children for getting me out of it - if not for having to 'save' them, I might not have ever had the courage/strength to get out!


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## MrsTitoFrito

I learned that I "fall" too fast. My first "relationship" was in high school and boy was that a roller coaster! Two or three years of on and off that scorned me for the years to come! It taught me that I need to look out to protect myself until I'm sure that the person I was talking to really had my best interest. 

I learned that my relationship with my father affected my love life a lot more than I wanted to admit. 

I learned that I'm in it for the long run. I didn't want a fling. I didn't want someone to ride with me through college. I wanted someone who loved me for me and wanted to grow with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound

I don't even know where to start. I learned that women of my generation are looking for something different in a man than what my grandmothers were looking for.


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## Emerald

My exH was very abusive.

It was pretty easy to figure out what NOT to look for the next time around


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## Wiserforit

Watch actions instead of listening to words.


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## treyvion

southbound said:


> I don't even know where to start. I learned that women of my generation are looking for something different in a man than what my grandmothers were looking for.


What did you conclude they are looking for?


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## pinktrees11

I have learned that actions speak louder than words. I have learned to listen to that inner voice, if you feel the relationship is not right, if you feel deep down inside this person doesn't love you even if they say they do, then you are right.
I have learned that if a man says he is afraid of commitment, then he will most likely not commit and there's nothing you can do about it.
I have learned you really need to learn how to be alone, unattached and happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.
I have realized I was selling myself short and deserve so much better than what I have been given so far.
I have learned that true love is hard to find and compatibility is the key.


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## southbound

treyvion said:


> What did you conclude they are looking for?


Well, none of what I say here is based on my scientific research, just my personal experiences and conversations with others. 

My grandmothers weren't looking for a "bad boy." They actually wanted a nice man. That doesn't mean a wimp, but a nice man. Honestly, I think one of the main attractive qualities for them was a man who would work hard. that doesn't mean someone who stays gone 24/7 on the job and brings it home on weekends, but someone who knows the value of working and does it faithfully. 

They also weren't expecting a romance novel in a relationship. I know my grandmother loved my grandfather a lot, but she was attracted to the fact that he was a good father and provided for the family. And when I say provided, I mean a normal living. Neither of my grandmothers were worried about vacations and fancy cars. 

Any disagreements they ever had was always about something tangible. It wasn't because he wasn't a mind reader or because one of them said one thing but did another.

Today, it seems like fun and stuff is what people want. When the fun appears to die down, the attraction is lost and somebody is ready to leave to search for greener pastures.

As SA wrote in another thread, today, it's all about outward BS, jumping through asinine hoops for attractions sake, and a bunch of silly stuff that will be different a few months or years into the relationship anyway.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> As SA wrote in another thread, today, it's all about outward BS, jumping through asinine hoops for attractions sake, and a bunch of silly stuff that will be different a few months or years into the relationship anyway.


Awe  Southbound, that thread was in the Men's section...funny topic...about what is cool for a man to drink when he is out "alcohol wise"...this is what I said >>



> *Simplyamorous said*: I guess.....as women.... we can only blame ourselves when another Nice man goes in the way of a D!ck because he has to conform to society's acceptable norms ...and jump through all these asinine hoops for attraction's sake.
> 
> I will never understand this personally. Why can't we all just appreciate people on their character... and not all this outward BS... that is so easily for show.. it never reaches to who the real man is anyway. So what -what kind of DRINK you like, this is utterly silly to me. I'd probably notice the guy drinking the apple juice box, that would give a nice starting conversation -cause he wasn't the freaking NORM...and I would be intrigued.





> *Southbound said:* *They also weren't expecting a romance novel in a relationship.* I know my grandmother loved my grandfather a lot, but she was attracted to the fact that he was a good father and provided for the family. And when I say provided, I mean a normal living. Neither of my grandmothers were worried about vacations and fancy cars.


 I like near everything you said in your post ...except some Romancing is GOOD !!....or it all falls to the ground (for some of us)...I don't care if we are on the poorer side - so long as we're together... can afford to pay the bills, camping works for vacations if $$ is tight...I like Flea Markets! Don't need the newest cell, newest styles...or a shiny new car, or 1st class anything... 

But don't skimp on the affection please! A little flirting/ teasing...this keeps things fresh, exciting, makes us women feel Alive, deeply loved, desired... cherished... Grab us, pull us in close...Kiss us, reach for our hands....& laugh with us -during the good times...and even the mishaps along the way..

So many times this old song comes on the radio...driving down the road, the words capture it ....we'd give each other a look... then I'd sing my heart out.... 
" And even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with ya honey,
And everything will bring a chain of love.
And in the morning when I rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes,
And tell me everything is gonna be alright " .....and feel on top of the world.



> *Wiserforit said*:* Watch actions instead of listening to words*.


 I may have had only "puppy love" before my husband... but this was pretty much what I learned...many talk a good game, can be charming...but a man's actions...how he treats you...even non-actions ...this speaks.


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> I guess.....as women.... we can only blame ourselves when another Nice man goes in the way of a D!ck because he has to conform to society's acceptable norms ...and jump through all these asinine hoops for attraction's sake.
> 
> I will never understand this personally. Why can't we all just appreciate people on their character... and not all this outward BS... that is so easily for show.. it never reaches to who the real man is anyway. So what -what kind of DRINK you like, this is utterly silly to me. I'd probably notice the guy drinking the apple juice box, that would give a nice starting conversation -cause he wasn't the freaking NORM...and I would be intrigued.


This is the type of comment that is so true and logical that it is difficult to argue with; a logical argument can't really be made against it.


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