# Rationing Sex



## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

ok heres the thing. for those who dont know the misses cheated on me. we decided to work on things. doing counseling with the pastor and spending more time together.

now comes the annoying part. the problem that ive been having since before this problem came about. before we got married. just be warned im about to ramble

saturday was my birthday. yea. got a 47" tv and the family came over for cake and stuff. the misses ran around a mile a minute making sure everyone was satisfied. i told her relax and enjoy herself. she wouldnt listen. ladies i dont know if you guys no this but a birthday aint a birthday without sex. so naturally when the night ended and it was time for my fun she was exhausted. there was no lingerie nothing special. i naturally voiced my opinion. (ill explain y i did it) she then goes to put on lingerie that she didnt like and complained about. now i dont know if its normal to you guys but a woman complaining about having sex just kills the mood. needless to say i got some but it was a wam bam thank you ma'am. on her part. coulda gone for a couple other rounds.

sunday we see the pastor. inquired about sex. got shut down. not a problem. was being greedy.

monday i decide to be romantic. she went with her fathers wife to see a show. i got home from work tired. very tired. bought roses. and lit the whole house up with some good smelling candles. dimmed the lights. i then went down the street and did laundry. shes on vacation so i dont want her working too hard. enjoy herself. then i get wine. make my own chocolate coverd strawberries. (harder than it looks) still came out good though. and wait. she comes home and is surprised. we sit play a lil music talk and sip on the wine and eat the strawberries. we retire and i get round one and two. coulda done three and four but she was tired.

tuesday another hard day at work. go home and went straight to work putting up picture frames for her and nailing stuff. then she decides she wants to go to ikea. yea. not. we get two bookcases and a computer station for me. i told her she was helping me put them together.:rofl:we get home she turns on the tv and watches the olympics and me while im on the floor sweating putting the first bookcase together. i take shower and come out to her sleeping. figured she had a hard day and let her sleep. 

now yesterday. she didnt go to the gym. she stayed home. she actually slept for like 5 hours during the day. i on the other hand worked a 11 hour shift to come home to put the other bookcase which she did most of the work. and i put together the computer table. i take a shower and she says she tired. i asked from what. she says the gym from monday.:scratchhead: i let it be known i was looking for some. she tells me that im annoying her. r u serious. she was annoying the hell outa me. i asked her what did she do other than cook and she couldnt answer cause she aint do sugar honey ice tea.
so im laying there with all this energy and im like it seems like she was punishing me for something but i didnt do anything. i was so mad i got up and watched the olympics until i got tired. when i got up i was still pissed. but she was good cause she got what she wanted. to be left alone.

ok heres the thing now ive tried everything so she understands that sex is important to me. been supportive bout her feeling and didnt asked. big mistake it was like a drought. ive complained as you can see. nada. been romantic and that only works half the time. ive even tried talking to her but it dont work. 
does anyone have any ideas of how i can get through to her. o one thing she said that i know she was wrong and it hurt my feelings for was she said if i keep complaining i wont be getting none until next week. r u kidding me. im down to like once a week. i would be satisfied with at least 4 times. especially since i gotta deal with that dreaded week of nothing:rofl:

please some advice


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

All I can say is I have been cut off since May11th...so to me your in the good.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

May 2008? Ha Newbie!!! 

But I hear ya, good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay ou got it three times in a few days and complain about it or try to push to get it everyday. You being romantic isn't romantic if you expect something. You need to build the relationship before you get the treats but you seem to think that sex=good. She doesn't and it is the one thing she can and will control until you do stuff just because.

Read all the things I do for my wife and her me. A relationship goes smoother when the moments are not forced.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im all with ya on this one. When my hormones are going and my hubby isnt in the mood, which he normally isnt, it drives me absolutely nuts. 

So you have a couple options here. Keep pushing her and see where that gets you, OR respect her boundaries and who she is. I know its frustrating as hell, believe me, but you're only going to make things worse by trying to make her. She will resent you and eventually cut you off completely. 

There's probably a lot of other things going on between you because she had the affair, so give yourself time to sort through all the emotions. Be patient. Keep communicating with her in a loving, non accusing way. Read through this: How To Control Your Emotions
It will help you communicate more effectively.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

iheartmywife-

I am going to disagree with everyone else here. I read your previous threads, so I could try and get a feeling for the sort of guy you are.

I think the reason she is rationing sex is that - she can! She has the power in this relationship. She had an affair, and continued contact, and all that other stuff, and had the cheek to tell you to stop monitoring her phone bill.

So you have shown her you are not an Alpha male, and she can treat you how she likes. I suspect she has talked about your need for sex to her girl-friends and they suggested threatening you with rations! If you don't believe me, read post #20 by *carmaenforcer*:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/men-s-clubhouse/81-limited-sex-arguments-2.html#post6522

So I belive the time has come to be firm. decide how you want to be treated, and if she won't meet your needs, haul you a**s out of there!

By "letting her" have that affair, and the subsequent texts etc. afterwards, you have shown yourself to be a doormat. If you stood up to her, belive me you would be doing all *man*kind a favour.

But you mistake romantic love for being a lap dog. I have to be even more honest and say, you don't seem well suited. She does not seem to find monogamy easy, and makes little demands on herself. I would be inclined to let the next man tame her - if he can.

Of course you could have an open marriage, and the everything would be fair. But lets face it, that ain't going to happen is it?

Sorry to be tough, but it's tough love you need brother


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> iheartmywife-
> 
> I am going to disagree with everyone else here. I read your previous threads, so I could try and get a feeling for the sort of guy you are.
> 
> ...


You hit the nail on the head...very good. I felt the same way reading his post (which made me laugh a few times). 

He's like the begger on the corner with his hand out. Every once in a while he gets a quarter handed to him. 

Now while this is your situation the way to change it actually is not to be more demanding. Women do get turned off by a guy making demands. And do you really want someone who has to give in to you? You've tried the romantic b.s. to no avail. She doesnt want your romance. I think your down to your last card. Try withdrawing from her and see how she feels.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Guys do you ever wonder why women start withdrawing sex only ONCE you get married and DEFINATLY after you have kids. It's because in their minds their is a lot slimmer chance of you walking out. When you were single she was never tired. Always seemingly wanting sex. Women seem to know the importance of sex while your dating but they seem to FORGET suddenly the importance of sex when your married. More B.S.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

brad said:


> Guys do you ever wonder why women start withdrawing sex only ONCE you get married and DEFINATLY after you have kids. It's because in their minds their is a lot slimmer chance of you walking out. When you were single she was never tired. Always seemingly wanting sex. Women seem to know the importance of sex while your dating but they seem to FORGET suddenly the importance of sex when your married. More B.S.


Can you be more wrong. My wife and I still date, even after ten years of marriage. That keeps us healthy and happy. We have only gotten better with communications, and know how to express love. After ten years, four kids (one from my previous marriage and three with her) We have a sex life that is better then when we started. A bad week is 3 times, normally more though. If your sex life is dying off look at what else has been let go during the marriage. Do you still date, compliment her, talk to her and listen in return? Do you still do the things to woo her? That is the real answer.

draconis


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

We usually only cut off sex because we are pissed at you and don't want you to touch us. It's not that we don't get horny, it's that we don't want you in particular.

What was going on in your relationship that she says caused the cheating? Has she given any "reason" for why she did it?

My SO and I used to screw at least once a day and sometimes twice. I horrible week was three times. Now, he's lucky if he gets it once a week, or at this point, ever again because I'm pissed and I don't want him. It's quite frustrating because I still have a high libido. I just don't want him.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Farfignewton-

I totally understand. I mention this in this thread post #44: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...on/1943-i-am-horrible-person-3.html#post13757
Sorry about the title of the thread, I did not chose it!


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Farfignewton-
> 
> I totally understand. I mention this in this thread post #44: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...on/1943-i-am-horrible-person-3.html#post13757
> Sorry about the title of the thread, I did not chose it!


I read where you said that you were writing a book and I look forward to it's publication. Yup, everyone automatically assumes that because you don't have sex with your man anymore that you are just a cold frigid woman to begin with or that you have some sort of medical problem. I am neither. My husband is the only man that I've ever met that could keep up with me sexually. I miss sex and I'm sure that the OP's woman does also, but she's holding a grudge more than likely. I mention this because she cheated on you which is another thing that usually happens out of anger and lack of emotional fulfillment. To the OP, you said that you were ignoring everyone being in your own little world. Have you corrected this behavior completely yet? Have you asked your wife what she needs to be happy with the marriage?

I do not for one instant condone her cheating, but you need to find out why she did it. As lame as they may sound, she had her reasons and I think that they are key to you guys fixing the marriage.

And to Brad, I think I know you from another forum.lol. Good to see you. and.....

Did you ever think that maybe men stop doing all of the little things that they once did and start taking us for-granted once they marry us so then we slowly lose our passion for our husbands? Women do not sit around snaring men with sex trying to get married(ok. maybe one or two, but overall, no, we don't). We like sex also. I have read so many posts by women whose men no longer desire them as much or just never did. It's frustrating on both sides of the fence.

The thing is, is that if you once had a good sex life and then it died, that means that something "killed" it. Whether it was pregnancy and childbirth/other medical problems, stress from work/family/etc., OR resentment/problems in the relationship, something killed it. You've got to find the root cause and do something about it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

indecisive-
You are right, but not in my case 
We have been at it for 19 years, it's actually getting steamier.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Isn't it a law that you get sex on your birthday? Just kidding....Wow! Ok, at the risk of sounding way too forward if my husband had done all that he'd be getting some before I could get all the way in the door. I don't know how long you two have been married but we've been married 15 (together 22 years) and it got to be a once a week routine....boring. Not just my fault..come on his too. Takes two. Anyway, after having gone through some really hard times...and coming out still together...sex is a constant every day thing. This is not just him in fact I probably initiate it more than he does...well maybe 50/50. So I keep thinking why now and not before (this is why I am telling you this from a woman's perspective). Number one, its about a connection. We weren't connecting before, now we are both fully in the moment. Second, I feel way better about myself. Before I was just a mom no one really noticed, dressed kind of boring, and he never said anything to complement me. I never used to be like that either. I used to dress really nice and want people to notice. But we all get busy. When we started going through hard times and one thing that saved me was working out. I've always been in shape so it didn't take long to get back there. People started noticing and a few guys (tire store, electronics store) started flirting with me. Hey I like this...husband still said nothing..then clothes started not fitting so I bought a few new things much prettier than the old jeans and t-shirt. Then husband started saying something. Also got a new haircut and a few other changes, heck I can't even go to the gym without lipstick anymore! Friday night at dinner, I even got carded, second time that happened when he took me out (I'm 39 so this was a huge complement)...being comfortable and happy with how I look changed MY attitude. Changing things up a little bit was also huge. I don't know if this is an issue with her but it may not even be physical. You mentioned she cheated on you so if she's still not able to move on from that and harbors guilt that too can be an issue. She can't connect with you so its just an obligation. I do know that a guy complaining about not getting enough actually makes it worse. Double edged sword though because you should talk about things. My advice is not to do it right then, do it later when the emotions are not so charged. Try complementing her and let her know that you think she is beautiful and continue doing the things that you mentioned. I don't think she is going to open up to you in the heat of the moment when you are upset and she's turning you down but maybe another time when things are calm she might tell you what the issues are.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

indecisive said:


> it's biologically natural for sex to wane the longer you get into a relationship.... however, this only means you usually need to make more of an effort.
> 
> I'm not saying that something can't affect or "kill" the sex in a relationship, because it often can... but that's not always the case either.


My wife and I have never had to put any extra effort in and have sex about as much or slightly more then when we were first together. Since we know each other better now it is much better then any sex I have ever had.

draconis


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

sorry for the long delay in writing back.
well here's how it stands. its sunday night. I got some lol. and I got some saturday. would of gotten some friday. we double dated with my sis and our brother in law. gotta double date more often. was fun. 
what happened friday was she got drunk everything was great until the ride home. I naturally drove cause I had two beers like 4 hours prior so I was good. it was a little pebble rolling down hill. and it all started with her complaining I was doing 10 over the speed limit. big woop. it was 2 in the morn and people were blowing by me. anyway long story short she wouldn't let go of tryin to be my personal driving instructor so the arguement continued.

ok now for the reasons she's told me she cheated. because I wasn't there for her and I didn't listen and I didn't seem to care to spend time with her.
well here's my thing. ok I slipped up on those things. but see it from my point of view. I come home tired and I get orders barked at me. after a while am I gonna do them. point blank no. she would be home all day and not cook and want me to go to the store for something to eat. after we got married she got lazy and between u and me a but pudgie around the edges. didn't care still loved her. 
now for the part of me not wanting to spend time with her. I've always made the effort to put her first then I get in an accident(not my fault. t boned) and I actually had to stop thinking about her and do physical therapy. I had to take care of myself. by the way my first accident. wish I didn't see it coming. yea I no it sounds selfish but when she got in her accidents. that's right plural I was nothing but supportive and caring. especially the second one where she flipped a car. I never once complained bout it. never once said maybe u shouldn't drive. 

part of the reason we have grown apart also is her job. sure I shouldnt be one to talk because I dont ever no when I'm going to get off but she works nights on a rotating schedule. its hard to conect when u don't sleep next to ur wife


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

I've noticed with her that we are connecting a lil. communicatin a lil better. still needs alota work but its a process. I've become the handy man around the house. we just moved so there's furniture to put together (thanks ikea) pictures to hand and things to drill lol. when it comes to all the handyman stuff I try and include her in them. she is usually feels like she has to be in charge (her job has her like that. wasn't that way b4 and before you guys think it no its not me) but when she doesn't no something and is forced to look to me for help I no it takes a lot to ask me for it. not because she is scared to but because she has always given off a sense of self reliance and when that perseption is cracked then I get the I want to no but I want it to seem like I already no it. lmao sounds funny but that's what it is. she says I'm a bit of a know it all. I won't lie I am a lil but I won't speak unless I know what I'm talkin bout. 

we went to a barbque saturday. her friends house. I haven't seen her friends in a while. when they saw me they were like looking good. that I lost weight and looking nice. said that in front of my wife. they asked me if I was eating. I laughed. of course I am she keeps me fed. that's one good thing I always come home to food. anyway we were there for like 2 hours and I noticed that I was getting checked out by a lot of females. the wife noticed it too. long story short she came up with an excuse to leave early. I didn't mind even though I love the attention and actually see my wife jealous I woulda rather go home with her. that night there was only one round. she was late for work and as much as I wanted to be greedy I understood. I told her that sunday I would knock it down. exact words. she giggled. I sometimes make jokes like that just to lighten the mood.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

mark
thanks for your advice that I should leave. the same things you said was how I felt. however I don't think that its done yet. we have been going to counseling with my pastor. we had our second session last week. I've learned y she cheated and the pastor advised us to stay together and work it out. she agreed. he also told me it is going to be hard and I need to learn to put my marriage before my pride and not just walk out.
at first I was like y is he blaming me but after a while I was able to see that my wife cheating was partly my fault. now I just have to change and so does she. we have been going to church together now for a while. she even calls it her church. It means a lot to me to hear her say that because when I met her she was a non practicing seven day adventist. she did grow up in the church. when its time to sing songs she knows most if not all of them. I'm still learning. 
her grandmother once told her that if your husband goes to church on sunday u follow him to church. the old lady could be a pain sometimes but she talks some sense sometimes. you just gotta catch the pearls of wisdom when she throws them. 
but all and all the church has helped a lot to build a foundation to a better marriage. well that's how I see it. I just hope she sees it the same way


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Iheart-

I never advised you to leave her. I was merely trying to get you to firm up. You need to be firm, but you also need to understand your wife more.

Sex rationing is almost always about resentment. So a wise husband never lets his wife have a chance to build up resentment.



> I told her that sunday I would knock it down. exact words. she giggled. I sometimes make jokes like that just to lighten the mood.


My wife used to tell me until she was blue in the face that being "cheekily cheerful" was the fastest way to get her in the mood for foolin' around and having sex. Finally, she got through to me a few months ago. So you have found out this *secret* already. Be sure to use it. Even when you're crawling the walls for sex, be funny, be firm, but never be serious!


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## lidia (Aug 15, 2008)

indecisive,
Well I hear you . I know it can be frustrating when you want it and your partner doesn't. The thing about women is that sex is about emotional connction. Sometimes it can be about physicality but it also has to do with her emotional state. Maybe thereis something that is bothering her. I read that you're doing therapy which is great. The other thing is she rationing the sex on purpose? Then that is where I would have the problem. Try talking to her. I mean really be interested in what she's talking to you about. Remind her how much you appreciate her and that she's your number one. It will go a long way. When a woman knows that her husband lovs her the sex gets much better trust me.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

hard to sympathize, i would be satisfied w/ 4 times a month. sorry.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

honey28 said:


> hard to sympathize, i would be satisfied w/ 4 times a month. sorry.


u cant be serious. i would be pissed all the time. except the day after those four times. wow. 

as of late ive been back on the knocking the boots train. sex has actually gotten better. i guess because to me it has more feelings and im not asking for it. i get it on a silver platter now. we actually enjoy each other and laugh and talk smack.:rofl:


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