# So, is an emotional affair & sexting cheating?



## psImHurt (Mar 1, 2013)

DH has been having an emotional affair since Oct. I found out in Dec. he promised he would never talk to her again. I knew by his actions it didn't stop. (BTW this isn't a first time. I've been hurt many times, I've been emotionally abused for years. Always belittling me. )

I recently invested in some devices and recorded his conversations with her, just this past week. Then extracted all the deleted disgusting sext messages. Confronted him, as well as her. 

We have three beautiful children, one with special emotional needs. He begged & apologized. Want another chance and swears this time will be different. This time he will be the husband and father we deserve. Even through all the pain, I still love him. But hate him at the same time. 

We sat down and this is the first time he came clean to the children. Promised them he would never ever hurt me or them. He said he would do anything, anything to save this marriage. The boys warned him, that if he screws up he needs to leave. It hurts so much to see them hurt, but felt so good to have them stand up for me. 

My husband doesn't feel this is as bad as "physical" cheating!!

Comments & suggestions on what boundaries I need to set?

Wounds are so fresh and it's hard to think with a clear mind!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It is unfaithful. When called on to stop, yes it is cheating.

Tell him he must go immediate NC with the person. If they work together he must cahnge that.

Tell him the marriage will be over if he perisists.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

psImHurt said:


> I recently invested in some devices and recorded his conversations with her, just this past week. Then extracted all the deleted disgusting sext messages. Confronted him, as well as her.


Is the OW married? If so, her spouse should be informed of this situation too. You did the right thing. Absolutely. 



psImHurt said:


> We sat down and this is the first time he came clean to the children. Promised them he would never ever hurt me or them. He said he would do anything, anything to save this marriage.
> 
> My husband doesn't feel this is as bad as "physical" cheating!!
> 
> Comments & suggestions on what boundaries I need to set?


Promising to do anything means he relinquishes to you all his passwords and gives you access to his social networking, twitter, texting, etc. In other words, total and complete transparency.

As far as him not feeling his sexting and EA weren't as bad as a PA. Uh, he doesn't deserve to opine at this point. No free get-out-of-jail pass just because he's saying he'll do ANYTHING to save the marriage. So he didn't stick it in her ... let's not parse words or details here. He seriously hurt you and your children. He allowed a third party into your marriage.

It takes time to get over this. Go on the Coping With Infidelity forum. Marriages are destroyed by his type of behavior. I would be wary and take a wait-and-see attitude. Abusers frequently change their tune when caught red-handed.

To heck with his words. Watch his actions. That will tell you if he's sincere.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

psImHurt: Sorry to hear this. I agree, you should move your post over to the Coping With Infidelity section and re-post your thread. I have also been dealing with this as my H did the same thing and my DDay was Jan.18th. It SUCKS! It hurts and it is absolutely a betrayal. Anytime, you are doing something behind your partners back and it is something shared between 2 married people, it IS cheating. Hope to see you over in CWI. You will get a lot more support and replies over there. Best wishes!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

psImHurt said:


> DH has been having an emotional affair since Oct. I found out in Dec. he promised he would never talk to her again. I knew by his actions it didn't stop. (BTW this isn't a first time. I've been hurt many times, I've been emotionally abused for years. Always belittling me. )
> 
> I recently invested in some devices and recorded his conversations with her, just this past week. Then extracted all the deleted disgusting sext messages. Confronted him, as well as her.
> 
> ...




And yet even though he has shown you who he is you are still married to him. At this point you really have two options: accept that this who he is and live your life accordingly or end things. He already knows you can be manipulated and aren't going anywhere so spare yourself anymore suffering by not worrying about it. Build your own life separate from him and don't worry about what he does. The more you cry and beg the more he knows he can do what he wants; any chance you have to rebuild rests on making clear to him that you will have your own life separate from him. At that point he may decide he wants in but if not that's up to him. Just the fact that he insists it's not as bad as physical cheating shows you that he hasn't owned his s$#t and will probably do it again. Look, I divorced my abusive ex when I had 2 and 5 year old children so i get how hard it is to leave a marriage when there are young children involved but it can be done. Don't remain in the marriage because you feel you must. If you want to stay then stay, with a clear understanding of what that marriage is. Right now he has all the power and you have none. Take your power back.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Folks who molest kids don't think it's all that bad, either. A fool is wise in his own mind. The test of whether an action is right or wrong can't be left to the opinion of the actor. People are capable of justifying any sort of bad conduct to themselves.


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## psImHurt (Mar 1, 2013)

This is my first post, how do I move it over to CWI?


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## psImHurt (Mar 1, 2013)

*So, is an emotional affair &amp; sexting cheating?*

Prodigal, yes OW is married. I confronted her. I will not destroy her child's world. I have too much integrity. But I did torture her with words. I even sent her the file of their messages. She's humiliated and I'm thrilled about it. 

My guard will be up, and my eyes wide open.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

psImHurt said:


> My husband doesn't feel this is as bad as "physical" cheating!!


That really isn't up to him; it is how you feel about that. If it is as bad as physical cheating to you then it is. Him saying that means he has little remorse or respect for what you are feeling. He is again belittling you.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

*Re: So, is an emotional affair &amp; sexting cheating?*



psImHurt said:


> Prodigal, yes OW is married. I confronted her. I will not destroy her child's world. I have too much integrity. But I did torture her with words. I even sent her the file of their messages. She's humiliated and I'm thrilled about it.
> 
> My guard will be up, and my eyes wide open.


It's not about destroying her childs world. If you were her husband, wouldn't you want to know? 

Obviously it's up to you, but for her, the consequences was immediate humiliation, but long term she can go on doing this with whoever, including your H as she's still under the radar, at least on her end. 

Expose it, I would.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: So, is an emotional affair &amp; sexting cheating?*



psImHurt said:


> Prodigal, yes OW is married. I confronted her. I will not destroy her child's world.


You need to expose her affair with your husband to her husband.

You destroy nothing, she's already laid the groundwork for destruction.
You had nothing to do with it.

By exposing her affair to her husband you give yourself a much greater chance at reconciliation because her husband will put an end to any attempt by her to get back in touch with yours.

You will also have another set of eyes and ears keeping a lookout for any contact between them.

Failing to expose to her husband is a mistake you cannot afford.
This is not the time to be a "nice guy".


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

An EA is exactly the same as a PA! Your husband is talking to someone outside of the marriage about his personal problems. He's also sexually explicit towards them, he's crossed the line. 
For me personally, I think an EA is worse idk why. You can have sex with anyone but having an emotional bond with someone outside of the marriage is a big deal. 
How old are your children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ubercoolpanda said:


> An EA is exactly the same as a PA! Your husband is talking to someone outside of the marriage about his personal problems. He's also sexually explicit towards them, he's crossed the line.
> For me personally, I think an EA is worse idk why. You can have sex with anyone but finding an emotional bond with someone is a rare thing to find.
> How old are your children?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, I would say it is up to her if a PA is worse.

However, I agree that for me personally, an EA CAN be worse than a PA. 

An example of this would be a ONS. He gets drunk at a bar, a woman throws herself at him, makes her intentions obvious and he doesn't resist. Seen that play out before. I've seen some women at bars whose sole intention is to take somebody home, doesn't matter what the marital status is of the person they chose. If fact, a married guy might be safer. The woman doesn't want a relationship, they just want to be serviced and have some fun. There is no excuse for it and that can destroy a marriage but it is done ... there is no fog ... there is no emotional attachment. 

An EA is different. With an EA, instead of devoting his emotions and attention (EA - get it  ) on his wife, they are with a different person. While his wife is invested in him, he's checked out. In fact, he's probably demonizing his wife in the process and this other woman looks better by comparison. Now an EA naturally becomes a PA but in my mind the EA is more likely to destroy the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. It is cheating.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

This subject has been covered rather extensively here at TAM.

In essence, any overt or covert, usually a deceptive or betraying physical or emotional act, that occurs between one married or committed spouse and another person from outside of that married or committed union; and that act is normally defined as one that is normally reserved as that, under normal conditions, would occur exclusively inside the scope of that marital relationship, with the full knowledge and consent of the marriage partner; then that, in and of itself, is deemed to be cheating, adultery, or infidelity.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: So, is an emotional affair &amp; sexting cheating?*



tacoma said:


> You need to expose her affair with your husband to her husband.
> 
> Failing to expose to her husband is a mistake you cannot afford.
> This is not the time to be a "nice guy".


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Hurt, this is spot-on. No, you are NOT destroying a child's life. But you need to shut down this EA with no chance of re-engagement by either party. Her husband has a RIGHT to know what has happened.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Hell yes its cheating. In my book anything done that you wouldn't be completely comfortable with your spouse seeing, reading, listening in on is cheating. You're on the right track. I would expose her as the other's have said. If you were in the other spouse's shoes wouldn't you want to know?


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## psImHurt (Mar 1, 2013)

*So, is an emotional affair &amp; sexting cheating?*

I did forget, the recorded messages I listened to : this past weeks messages the spoke about them and their kiss. OW is his largest $$$$ client. They kissed at her office. 

I so want to tell her husband, however he's a gun toting corrections officer that would put a bullet in my DH head. 

So screwy. Ironically I did call my attorney Friday before hearing the messages, and finding the sext messages. 

With my guard up, do I prepare for D? If so, what do I need to do to prepare &protect myself?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Set up meeting with attorney, bring any and all evidence in your possession with you, heed his advice, set up a time to either move out on your own or have WH move out, then employ "the 180" against your husband!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

*Re: So, is an emotional affair &amp; sexting cheating?*



psImHurt said:


> DH has been having an emotional affair since Oct. I found out in Dec. he promised he would never talk to her again. I knew by his actions it didn't stop. (BTW this isn't a first time. I've been hurt many times, I've been emotionally abused for years. Always belittling me. )
> 
> I recently invested in some devices and recorded his conversations with her, just this past week. Then extracted all the deleted disgusting sext messages. Confronted him, as well as her.
> 
> ...





psImHurt said:


> I did forget, the recorded messages I listened to :* this past weeks messages the spoke about them and their kiss.* OW is his largest $$$$ client. They kissed at her office.
> 
> I so want to tell her husband, however he's a gun toting corrections officer that would put a bullet in my DH head.
> 
> ...


Another lie. He didn't tell you about the kiss. He allowed you to think it was still non-physical. Go on the assumption that there was even more. 

I had a similar situation, OP. Multiple EAs, he didn't see them as such (just 'inappropriate' or 'lack of boundaries'), but definitely swept under the rug by him. I didn't have anything like TAM, and yes my Ex was emotionally abusive, too. I knew years ago that it felt to me like cheating. It is something that they don't change on their own as long as they don't think it's that bad. Which you know, since you say he's done this before.

I wanted so badly for my marriage to work, not to be a nagging, jealous wife who didn't allow my H to have opposite sex friends, etc. (which is what he accused me of) So I didn't put my foot down. Didn't think I had a right to. I did, and I wish I had followed through. I had a toddler at the end of his first major one after we were married, was unable to financially care for the two of us, and thought I'd lose DS, so I stayed hoping things would get better. That I could fix myself enough that he wouldn't cheat. They never stopped. He is now living with the last EA. Our divorce was final on Valentine's Day. 

I hope yours doesn't turn out that way. But as someone who was also emotionally abused, I will tell you that it's imperative that you start detaching yourself from him, from what he tells you, what he thinks about you, how he lies to you. Start the 180 as much as possible, even if you are living in the same house. It is not easy for someone that has been in the abuse cycle. It's far too easy to be sucked back in when things start to look better. Look for a support group in your area for women coming out of unhealthy or abusive relationships. I found one at my YWCA, and I've been going every week for about a year and a half. I'm also in IC. 

Here are some books that may help, too:

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: 9780743225502: Amazon.com: Books This book deals extensively with emotional affairs.

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing: Dennis C. Ortman: 9781587613340: Amazon.com: Books

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond: Patricia Evans: 9781440504631: Amazon.com: Books

The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself: Beverly Engel: 9780449906446: Amazon.com: Books

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved: Lundy Bancroft, JAC Patrissi: 9780425238899: Amazon.com: Books

All of these were extremely helpful when I was in the process of detaching from my emotionally abusive ex and all of his EAs. You might be able to get these from the library. Most, if not all, have free previews on Amazon.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Gun toting corrections officers typically have enough self control not to attack your husband as it would cost them their job.

It's the idiot without a job you would have to worry about.

You need to drive her away and warn her husband.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I personally consider it cheating IMHO


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## psImHurt (Mar 1, 2013)

*So, is an emotional affair &amp; sexting cheating?*

Everyone keeps telling me to follow the 180s. What is that?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry you're here. Here you go, 

The Healing Heart: The 180 

Use it as you need. 

BTW, I also think her H needs to know. He will at least be able to make an informed decision about his family and marriage. Do not join in the complicity of your husbands deceit. It only enables him further to believe you'll never do what is needed to stand up to him and his behaviors. 

Be well.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You don't cause anything by exposure. All the hurt and pain is on them, and exposure could save things. 
And yes and EA is infidelity. and the lies you DH has been feeding you will continue if you do not expose. I am so sorry you're here.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

I would love to know, how do you extract old msg that have been deleted? The iPhone my H used has been re-restored (or something like that) and the phone is no longer with a telco company. Would this still be possible to retrieve the old sextings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> I would love to know, how do you extract old msg that have been deleted? The iPhone my H used has been re-restored (or something like that) and the phone is no longer with a telco company. Would this still be possible to retrieve the old sextings?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Still*: Please go to the Coping With Infidelity section, to the thread, Anyone Interested in Evidence Gathering?

*Badbane*, the originator of that thread, as well as the bulk of the other tech-saavy people there will be more than happy to answer that type of question for you! 

Best of luck!


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