# Questions.



## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm new to the forum. I'll post my story later. Although it is not as bad as some who have posted here, the main factor that is displayed is- DECEPTION. First, the CHEATERS: How is it that a person can love someone one minute, then love someone else the next? I understand that people can fall out of love, as easily as they fell in love. But why not tell the person that "the love isn't there anymore," rather than start up a new relationship under false pretenses(deception). I think you owe that person at least that much, right? Sure its going to hurt(the both of you), but at least your honest. Second, the jilted SPOUSE- How can you take back a person who showed total disregard for your feelings. Why would you want them back anyway? I see a lot of people groveling on bended knee trying to reconcile with these people. Don't you have an ounce of self-respect? Granted some are remorseful and want to reconcile, but I've come across many post that indicate the cheater doesn't want to reconcile, yet their spouses are adamant about it. WHY? Is it really that bad to start over? Lastly, For those who have RECONCILED- How hard was it to be intimate(physically) with them know they shared this aspect with someone else. I hope I don't ruffle any feathers, but there is no way I could ever have sex with her/him with someone else's "love-stink" on them. PLEASE... HELP ME UNDERSTAND!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

tho' i (we) can prob guess....

u'll have to tell us yer story 1st. pls be sure to include age, expereiences etc as these would explain why u ask in the way
u do.

o'wise we'd be ineffectual/wasting our time/energy trying to 
enlighten ya to anything pertinent here.

capice'?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

justsam said:


> I'm new to the forum. I'll post my story later. Although it is not as bad as some who have posted here, the main factor that is displayed is- DECEPTION. First, the CHEATERS: How is it that a person can love someone one minute, then love someone else the next? I understand that people can fall out of love, as easily as they fell in love. But why not tell the person that "the love isn't there anymore," rather than start up a new relationship under false pretenses(deception). I think you owe that person at least that much, right? Sure its going to hurt(the both of you), but at least your honest. Second, the jilted SPOUSE- How can you take back a person who showed total disregard for your feelings. Why would you want them back anyway? I see a lot of people groveling on bended knee trying to reconcile with these people. Don't you have an ounce of self-respect? Granted some are remorseful and want to reconcile, but I've come across many post that indicate the cheater doesn't want to reconcile, yet their spouses are adamant about it. WHY? Is it really that bad to start over? Lastly, For those who have RECONCILED- How hard was it to be intimate(physically) with them know they shared this aspect with someone else. I hope I don't ruffle any feathers, but there is no way I could ever have sex with her/him with someone else's "love-stink" on them. PLEASE... HELP ME UNDERSTAND!


Good questions, and I dont need to know your story to answer them from my perspective.

So.. Here goes.


Cheater do not fall out of love, They simply wake up one day and view their spouses as normal people. - ya see, when they got married, they were under the love voodoo that makes themthink the other person is perfect and then one day, they wake up and realize.. the person is normal like the rest of us. Cheaters claim they love their spouses and they do, but they need that fix of Voodoo love.. the illusion. 

Some people are not capabale of cheating, so a factor is the capacity to commit the offense. It boils down to moral fiber and there is some debate on that issue. An issue i will refrain from elaborating on at this time.

- Jilted spouse - 

This is a difficult one. And in my opinion the reason why spouses try to get it back is because of the investment in the relationship. Why do people hold onto stocks that dies? why do women stay with guys that beat the hell out of them? All types of invested things in the relationship/ ther eis no ONE reason, but that covers a lot of them.

Why do people pursue spouses who do not want to save the marraige - Well.. It comes from people who make decisions in a weak state of mind. They are hurt, sad, angry they dont feel like a real man, or a real woman.. they are in a weakened state of mind and therefore their decisons are weak. They often regret this choice once they acheive mental strength and view the decison as one made on their knees. Resent brews after this.

Sex - That depends on the person. My wife had an emotional affair, if she would have had a physical one, i would have seen to her destruction in a manner that even God's grace could not overlook. I do, however respect those who can handle it.

My 2 bits.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I will answer your questions from my own personal situation. In my case, I cheated and so did my husband:



justsam said:


> First, the CHEATERS: How is it that a person can love someone one minute, then love someone else the next?!


I loved my husband and I still do, though we are close to a divorce now. I have never stopped loving him though. At the time of my affair, we were going through the very worst time in our marriage. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. Before I moved out, he hadn't said one word to me for a month and a half. I loved him but my love felt like it was getting small. As for the OM, he was a childhood friend who I always had a connection with. He'd actually asked me to marry him before my husband did. Continuing my friendship with him thru my M was inappropriate and wrong. I know this and am to blame for this. 



justsam said:


> I understand that people can fall out of love, as easily as they fell in love. But why not tell the person that "the love isn't there anymore," rather than start up a new relationship under false pretenses(deception). I think you owe that person at least that much, right? Sure its going to hurt(the both of you), but at least your honest.


I completely agree. And for as long as I live I will regret my affair. It's been a year and a half since it happened and there is not ONE single day I don't wish I could take it back. I did confess my affair to him. As did my husband. After the confessions, I felt like we were mor ehonest than we'd ever been in the 7 years we'd ever been together.



justsam said:


> Second, the jilted SPOUSE- How can you take back a person who showed total disregard for your feelings. Why would you want them back anyway? I see a lot of people groveling on bended knee trying to reconcile with these people. Don't you have an ounce of self-respect? Granted some are remorseful and want to reconcile, but I've come across many post that indicate the cheater doesn't want to reconcile, yet their spouses are adamant about it. WHY? Is it really that bad to start over? !



In my case I did want to reconcile. My husband is the one who filed for divorce. He told me he'd never forgive me or trust me for what I did. I forgave him for his cheateing and told him I was open to MC and reconciliation but he said there was too much damage. He still has never apologized to me for his cheating. There were cracks already though because just one yr after we married, I discovered he was online looking for sex and showed it to him (printed it out). His cheating came later though. As far as starting over, having invested now nearly 8 years in this relationship and a home, and everything we grew together, I would ahve preferred to work it out but alas, you can't maintain a marriage by yourself. It takes two and he didn't want to do it anymore.




justsam said:


> Lastly, For those who have RECONCILED- How hard was it to be intimate(physically) with them know they shared this aspect with someone else. I hope I don't ruffle any feathers, but there is no way I could ever have sex with her/him with someone else's "love-stink" on them. PLEASE... HELP ME UNDERSTAND!


We're getting divorced but some of the best sex we had was after confessing our As to eachother. It's like we hit a breakthrough. And we have carried on as normal all throughout this process (like we are still together) until about 2 weeks ago when I told him I can't do this anymore. It's confusing me. So I told him I was letting him go if he wants the divorce. He still wanted to get back after the divorce but I thi nk that is pointless. Either be committed to working on your M or not.

I have cut off all contact with OM. Husband said he also cut off contact with OW but I have my suspicions. His story doesn't add up and I believe he's stayed in touch with her the entire time. But I can't say 100%. I guess in time, the truth will reveal itself. I wrestled a lot with whether to tell him of my A but in the end am glad that I did because he was owed the truth. I am also glad he told me he cheated. We put all our cards on the table. My life has totally turned upside down and while the A felt good, like a high, it was not worth it at all. The fallout and the devastation was so not worth it. I have seen a therapist for awhile now but there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about how wrong my decision was. I don't blame him for my cheating either. That is my cross to bear for the rest of my life. It was a choice that I made completely. Sure, our situation was awful but at no point does that justify what I did. So I am losing my love for something I did. I hope one day he can find it in his heart to forgive me as I have him but I also know that day may never come and that is the consequence of what I did.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I hope I didn't ruffle any feathers with my "phrasing" of things. I especially value your insight Jellybeans. At least you seem to want to make things work. I just can't stand a cheater who always looks to deflect criticism, while continuing the affair. I read a post where somebody's wife wanted to make it work, but still wanted to see the OM... "ARE YOU ****TING ME?" This guy kept on asking "What should I do?" You know what you have to do. It can't be more clear. These people have obviously checked-out. To twotimeloser, you remind me of a good friend who snapped me out of my funk. It was like he threw cold water in my face to wake me up from my self-loathing. He told it like it is. Why do people get mad at others who try this method(tough love), sometimes we need it. To cb45, sorry if I offended you in some way, but thats just the way I see things. I'm not going to make excuses for my candor. As you can see some people didn't take it the wrong way!


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