# How do I get through this?



## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

My husband left me after almost 19 years. People think I'm nuts but I didn't see it coming at all. Yes, we had our issues, but nothing I thought that would cause him to leave. He swears up and down he doesn't have another woman and everyone that knows him says he doesn't. I just don't understand it, obviously, and he won't try or do counseling. Everything is my fault in his eyes. He's going back to things that happened years ago but not at all figuring in any of the things he did to me throughout our years (and there have been some doozies). It's all me. He contraindicts himself, like first saying it's about money yet he's spending money on himself all the time. We have 2 kids and they are devastated but almost in denial thinking he'll be back any time now and no way mom and dad are breaking up for good. I don't believe he's coming back, and I don't even know if I would want him anyway at this point. I have lost a lot of respect for him now that he has walked out on his family without even wanting to work through things or even try. I'm not sure I could ever look at him the same knowing that about him. I would also not trust that he wouldn't come back and then decide a week or month or whatever later to do all this again. 

I'm still reeling from the news and can barely even function. I'm doing it somehow for my kids but I don't know how to get through this pain. I've been a faithful wife, stay home, don't go out partying and good mom to my kids. I guess I'm too boring for him these days. He mostly just says he's unhappy. Well, I could say the same but never unhappy enough to just walk away. Then he leaves and comes back because he couldn't find a place to stay. Yes, he left without even a place to stay, that's how horrible I apparently am! He wanted to stay at home until he found a place and I told him heck no (not heck though), that would be way too confusing for the kids! He even asked me again the next day and I said no way! He then comes in and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. I have no freakin clue what is going on his head right now. It's like he's a whole different person, and sometimes I wonder if he's gone crazy. Nothing he says makes sense. I'm wondering if it's a midlife crisis. 

Guess I'm mostly looking for a place to vent and get advice. I never imagined I'd be going through this and I'm really shellshocked right now. I don't want my friends to get sick of listening to me. I can't trust my emotions. I've been trying to put on a happy face when he comes to get the kids, but today I was cleaning while he was here and uncovered our anniversary cards to each other just a few months ago. Then I wanted to break down so bad, but I did hold it in until he left with the kids at least. I'm not going to beg him or grovel. I just want to get past this hurt. On one hand I wish I never had to see him and on the other hand, I wish he'd walk back in and say it was all a big mistake. I am so confused, crushed and feeling just a little crazy right now.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Vent away. My divorce will be final next month, due to the astonishing metamorphosis of my husband of 18 years from a sweet caring guy to something unrecognizable. 

The hurt, rage and confusion are stunning. Paralyzing. Do everything you can to protect yourself. Lean on family and friends, see a therapist. Stay firm on keeping your lawyer. Don't let your husband bully you into accepting his terms without proper legal guidance.

How do you get through this? Literally one breath at a time. One foot in front of the other. And a lot of tears. You will find support here.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My soon to be ex wife walked away at the beginning of April and it was awful. The logistics of what happened are a bit different than what you are going through, but no less devistating, so I can really understand what you must feel like, and it is awful.

I have found so much support and help here, and I'm glad you found us. Everything is so confusing right now for sure, and I bet you have no idea what to make of any of it?

Solitudeseeker suggested some very helpful things, and it is really important that you stay strong through all of this. I don't mean not feeling it, but make sure you start thinking of YOU and what is best for YOU and your kids that he walked out on. Don't worry about him. He has it all figured out right? Break down in a puddle of tears when you need to. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Don't fight it.

We are here for you if you need advice, comfort, to vent, and if your having one of those days, don't be ashamed to just simply say that you need people to say nice things to you.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Thank you, and I do, I do need people to say nice things to me! lol I am really confused. None of our friends or family really get it, either. I've read up on midlife crisis and he totally fits the bill. 

I'm not saying that's any excuse to walk out on your family. He says he wants to reconcile but he needs time. He can't say how much time, of course. So IOW, he wants me on his hook, hanging around just in case he decides he doesn't like the bachelor life. Well, I'm not going to wait around and I told him so. Life with him hasn't been a walk in the park, let me tell ya. 

The wanting to hang out at the house is the crappy part. I mean, do you wanna leave or not? You can't have it both ways. I think that's what he expected, though, that me being the nice person that I am, I would give him anything he wanted to get him back or something. Guess he really doesn't know me anymore and totally forgets the woman he married because I might be nice but I'm not a doormat. I'm not going to chase him like a teenybopper. I find myself saying "wow, just wow" on a daily basis. Actually, every time he opens his mouth and says something else, he makes things a little easier on me, but like today, he was emailing me all morning about stuff that could've waited since he was picking the kids up tonight. I would rather just have no contact and told him that but he keeps on. As miserable as he says I am, why do that?? Makes it nice for him, I guess, because if he can make nice with me, he can go be selfish and feel like he has my blessing and then be guilt-free. Ahhhh!!!


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Uh uh. No. Wait. Hold the phone. He's playing you. He suddenly wants to reconcile after you say your seeing a lawyer? How convenient. This just gives him time to attempt to cover his tracks. Whats he hiding? Hes probably hiding money, bank accounts, investments, etc. You need to see this lawyer immediately. 

This is just my paranoid opinion, but it got my spidey senses boiling.....he's up to something.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Oh honey, I feel your pain. I am so proud of you for keeping it together for your kids, and also for not begging him to come home. So far you are reacting in a very healthy way, and this bodes well for your future as the rollercoaster begins.

He is making any excuse to leave...if it feels like an excuse (money, computer, etc.), trust your intuition. It probably is. He doesn't want to tell you the real reasons, or he simply is not emotionally mature enough to do so. If I can give you just one piece of advice for this stage, it is this: limit the amount of time you spend trying to figure out what is going on in his head. It is so tempting, but it will keep you stuck and prevent you from healing. Some of us still don't know why our exes left (my stbxh left four months ago, haven't heard from him since) but the lack of contact and answers has allowed me to focus on my own feelings and do what I need to do to move on. You are exactly right about his wanting to lessen his guilt...cut off all but the most important communication and show him that you won't help him heal. Focus on the miss and your friendships and family. And please keep posting 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

No, he's been saying reconcile all along. That's what is so effed up about it. Saying he is unhappy so he's moving out to find his happy, I guess, then maybe we can work it out once he does but no idea when that is, etc. Just such mumbo jumbo. You said what I've been thinking, that he is playing me. I think he's trying to pacify me so I agree to his settlement. Then he'll probably have a girlfriend surface that he "just met." As for money, unless he just won the lotto, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have anything else. He'd be a happy person if he did because he is all about the benjamins.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I know I need to stop trying to figure him out. You can't make sense of insanity. It's hard, though, because at the same time, it's all I can think about. I sat and drew lines across a piece of paper and concentrated on making them as straight as I could just to try to stop thinking! 

Part of me feels/knows he's doing me a huge favor. But part of me still loves him and wants to try to save it. He said he won't do counseling and won't try to work it out, says he has tried enough in the last few years... Yet he never talked to me about ANY of this and I sure as heck didn't see these big attempts of his. He carried on with life as usual. The kids say the same. I knew he was worried about money but so was I, and isn't nearly everyone these days? I guess I'm glass-half-full because I was thankful we had jobs. He just wants to be free of all bills and have money. Even though I tried to point out the holes in his logic, that he will now be paying child support, rent, utilities, etc., and STILL have bills, he just sees it as I am the root of all evil and if he can somehow break free from me, he will have all he ever wanted in life. Whatever! 

He has been here all but 1 day out of the last almost week since he left. I've told him I need him gone so I can heal and move on, but he keeps on coming. I can't do anything about it legally, either, since we're not even legally separated yet. It just SUCKS. At least I've finally gotten some sleep the last two nights. Guess that's progress already. Thanks for listening!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Well once he moves out I think you actually can keep him out...in my state, there is a statute that says this even if you dont have a formal signed document. Check with your attorney. My stbxh walked out and left me with all of the bills and debt worth three times my annual salary. He doesn't work, or at least didn't then, so I can't sue him. Pretty much just left me to avoid responsibility. The good thing is that he disappeared, so I don't havr to deal with him...but for a while I was scared he would show up to get his stuff, so I tried to get my locks changed. I rent and my apt manager said he would have to give my ex a key if he asked...so my attorney wrote a nice little letter saying that if he did so, I could press charges for conspiracy. He changed my locks at no cost and I don't think he will be giving my ex a key. It was hard at first to deny my ex access to out home...but it is my home now, whether I love him or not. Make that decision for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wow SR, you are a breath of fresh air! I am amazed at how well you are keeping yourself together through the early part of this. You are doing a great job, and two nights of sleep? That made me smile 

A word of caution though because it is likely to happen. I know there is really no way to prepare yourself for it when it does, but don't be surprised if you feel yourself start to break completely and everything comes crashing down on you. Just ride it out and you'll make it through. Scream, cry, talk to friends, rant and yell at us, cry on our shoulders if you need.

Pretty soon though you are going to need to make some tough decisions, and I am glad you have a lawyer in mind. DO NOT let him talk you out of it! My stbxw has been trying to talk me out of mine, yet at the same time she keeps telling me how great the lawyer she might retain is...doesn't add up! I have a feeling you are going to have to keep dealing with nothing adding up or making sense, and it will probably only get worse.

Please don't get hung up on trying to find out all the answers. It is likely that he doesn't even know them all. Right now, you are being strung along, his plan B, and every time you ask him for answers, you are only feeding him, so try not to do that at this point.

Now how to give him what he says he desperately desires...being gone from an evil horrible witch of a wife...hmmm...that may be tough for a while, but if you can maintain no contact while he is there, you are an incredibly strong woman, and it may just make things unpleasant enough that he will try a bit harder to do what he said he wants...leave. You may not be able to force him out yet, but I bet you sure can make it miserable enough for him that he wants to leave.

Last thing I want to say is listen to MyselfAgain...she's been there and knows what she is talking about. She's making it through in a fantastic way. I have a lot of respect for her.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Thanks, but I'm not holding up this well ALL the time. I'm working on getting utilities transferred to my name, at least, so he can't pull that rug out from under me. I already have a savings account in my name alone with nothing in it, just kept it open because I didn't feel like going to bank to close it out, but I will have to get checking in my name since we have joint checking.

I guess my question is, should we wait until legal separation is filed to do all that? I have an appointment with an attorney so I asked him to wait until then and I could find out how to proceed. I am hesitant to do ANYthing without legal advice of some sort! I have no idea how all this works. I never imagined I'd be dealing with this crap. Then he has the nerve to ask me if I'm "okay" with all this. I just ignored that statement altogether along with his question of what plans I had with the kids. WTF, that's none of his business anymore!

He sure is in a big freakin hurry to get it over with, huh? Just told me all this a week ago and already wants to be done with it. I could just scream! I had a mini breakdown when I got his latest this morning but talked it out with a friend and collected myself before replying. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up until the pain is over.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Delay everything until you speak with your attorney. This isn't adding up and I think you are absolutely correct that something/someone is being kept from you. Nevermind the fact that there is not possible way you can make an informed decision about your household finances until you speak to an attorney. If he balks, he balks.
For years with my STBXH we had to walk on eggshells due to his anger/depression/anxiety. "Don't make him angry" was one of our family mantras. Now that he's moved out, well, I don't give a damn what his state of mind is anymore. Let him get angry, Your husband is the one who wants to end the marriage and you do not have to comply with his timetable.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Thanks, Pluto. That is precisely how we have been living, don't make him angry. It's like he is just making stuff up in his mind at this point! 

You're right, I don't have to comply to his timetable. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm so emotional, have a new emotion every few minutes, so sometimes I can't even think of something that simple! I really think he needs psychiatric help. But you're right, that is no longer my concern. Guess I can thank him for that much! 

I'm in one of my ticked-off moods now. I like these moods much better than my sobbing, sad ones. This is all just so surreal to me. I'm still half in shock and trying to wrap my brain around the fact that it is even happening just one week after he dropped the bomb. He had time to think and plan ahead but I didn't. But then that's just like him, always wanting to be in control of everything. 

My hat is off to those of you that have been going through this for a while now. I've always had sympathy for friends going through it, but I never knew JUST how bad it felt. It truly is like a death.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Is he still living in your home?


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

No, Sam. He is staying with relatives for now.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> No, Sam. He is staying with relatives for now. A friend of his has a house that is empty and he will be going there soon but has to do some work to it first apparently. He wanted to stay here until he found a place but *I told him I would rather he did not* and he did comply with my wishes on that much.


Good. Well done.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

But he's stopping over for something every night. I keep asking when he can get the rest of his stuff out of here and he says he doesn't know. I think he's toying with me and wanting to make me suffer. If I'm so miserable to be around, then stay away already and let me heal. 

He keeps saying he is doing this whole thing so he can find happiness within himself (paraphrasing) and then maybe we can work it out and reconcile but he's going to need time. To be quite honest, I don't think I could ever find it in myself to have him back after this. I've learned enough in life to never say never, but I just have very little respect for a man who walks away from his family so easily and over something that could be worked out. Bahhhhh!!!!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I'd let him know that you are not planning on waiting.....


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sounds like he thought the grass was greener elsewhere and you've confused him by not crumbling. You've reminded him that you are not a doormat so bravo to you. 

Regarding the lawyer you are very smart to do that and his anger is a sign that he knows you will get more even if you don't know it. If you've been married for 20 years then maybe his 401k has built quite a bit and he does not want you to get half of it. Well to bad for him.

I agree even though you feel like you do, most people get really insecure and then become needy and whiny which would just give your husband more emotional power and satisfaction. 

Also, I think he realized that possession is important and that's why he wants to move back in. He would prefer to make you leave the house. Again too bad for him.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Another thought out of left field. Is it possible that he is not happy because you guys have not had an intimate relationship and that he wants to be in love? You will know if this is ridiculous or not.

That would also explain his wishy-washy behavior and that would be better because you guys could mend this. There is a problem however. You seem so offended and jaded toward him now. If he actually wants to work it out but does not know how to then it seems like you will find it hard to empathize with him. Again, this was a "is it possible" scenario and not that I think this is the case.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I don't see your last reply on here but from what you've said I just don't get his guy's motive. 

He's a royal jerk or narcissistic or something. I mean who holds in that much resentment and does let you know and then just throws there hands up in the air. It's a cowardly thing.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I actually used the word narcissist after a few of his emails so it's funny you said that.

I think he wants me to fight him, maybe so he can feel mad at me and justify leaving ? I don't know. At first, I was of the mind to just let him have his space and change things about myself since I know I have been depressed. 

I'm beginning to lose any hope at all. I really hoped maybe it was MLC, he would take his time away, sort through his feelings and we could work things out but the more things that come out that he's been holding in, the more I feel like he will never come around and will just continue to blame me for everything. He finds some way to point everything straight back to me.  

I don't really know if I should try to fight for us since he has made it clear he is not going to counseling or try to work it out. So I feel I just have to move forward with my life for my kids' sake. Maybe he will figure it out and jump back on board or maybe he will forever resent me for seemingly holding him back all these years. I can't change him or how he feels so I feel this is my only choice at this point. I'm going to look into counseling for myself and for my kids if they want it but I'm doing that for myself, not for him. I need help because I can't focus on work, scared to leave the house for fear I'll breakdown in public and don't want to be like this when my kids need me. My oldest gave me hugs the other day and I felt bad that he felt the need to comfort me.  How have those of you with kids dealt with it? I don't badmouth their dad to them and never ever would. In fact, they didn't want to go with him at first (they were hurt) and I told them I always wanted them to have their dad in their life and to give him a chance so they decided to go with him.


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## darkshadow (Aug 11, 2012)

Wow, its very interesting to read on here these issues you are all having with your spouses. I have been married 12 yrs and the clock keeps ticking. My wife and i have had our ups and downs, but with alot of research of marriage concepts and researching of one self, i have realized that if ur partner is not at all happy with what u do, or how u treat them (good of course), and they r not willing to improve something of themselves or try better ways with u to help ur relationship, there is always and will always be, someone else that will appreciate u, and who u are completely as a person, and will know they r blessed to have u in their lives. Just think of marriage like a car that u need to maintain. If it has reached its limit no matter what, u can always get a new one. U have ur own power to make urself happy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Shadow,

I think that's a really bad message.

It misses a key part of the equation - and it misses it completely.


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## darkshadow (Aug 11, 2012)

My point is, u cant make the other person see things or do things they r not willing to do. No matter what.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

darkshadow said:


> My point is, u cant make the other person see things or do things they r not willing to do. No matter what.


I don't disagree with that one iota.

It's the part about finding someone else that I objected to.

There's much more to it than that.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Dark, I am really happy for you and yours. Don't ever take it for granted. If you would've asked me 2 weeks ago if I'd be posting here, I would've said no. In the span of 8 days, my life has been turned upside down and torn apart. I'm sick to my stomach, lost almost 10 lbs. and my chest feels like I'm constantly having a heart attack. I wake up in the morning feeling almost normal then it all rushes back to me. The only thing I can describe that comes close is a death as far as how it feels. So telling someone going through this that maybe there's someone else out there is about as sensitive as telling a widow that at her husband's funeral.

I've been with him for half my life and almost all my memories include this man. I can barely have a thought that doesn't have him in it so every thought, every song on the radio, every look at our children, family photos or his clothes still in our bedroom brings another stab of pain. Trust me, I am so acutely aware that I can't make him do anything. I hurt like hell right now. I look around our home and at our kids and think, "how can he not want to be here?" Imagine if your wife left you. I mean really stop and look around and picture her not there with you. Try to imagine the pain you'd feel. I am here to tell you, it is about 1000 times worse than what you are imagining. And part of the reason it is so very painful is that there is not a damn thing you can do about it. I'd give almost anything for him to walk back in and hug me and say he changed his mind but I know it's not going to happen, probably not ever. 

Even if there might be someone else out there for me one day, on THIS day, I'm beyond sad. Maybe tomorrow will be better but I doubt it. I don't even see an end in sight and it really sucks.   Sorry if I'm rambling, having a really rough moment.


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## ktinvt (Aug 11, 2012)

I just stumbled upon this site and I can tell you that I am feeling EVERYTHING you are feeling. The pain, the tears, the questions, I just don't understand. 

My blow came about 3 weeks ago and I have lost almost 15lbs! I get angry, I cry, I get scared. 

I am learning to not try to figure him out any more. I cannot control his actions or decisions. I have a strong faith and an amazing support system. That is what I am relying on now.

It is moment by moment -- not even day by day. Sleep comes hard, I wake up in the night or early morning and my brains just reels about things. I have been telling him my thoughts but I realize they make no difference.

I just ask people to keep reminding me it WILL be OK. I have 2 BEAUTIFUL girls -- 12 and 15. They don't know yet, but they will be devastated. I worry about them and how they will react. I am dreading an empty home. I will be OK without him but not them. 

Keep talking -- it is helping me! Others have done this and come out on the other side. But -- a major blow to the gut takes LOTS of time and prayer!



StillRemains said:


> Dark, I am really happy for you and yours. Don't ever take it for granted. If you would've asked me 2 weeks ago if I'd be posting here, I would've said no. In the span of 8 days, my life has been turned upside down and torn apart. I'm sick to my stomach, lost almost 10 lbs. and my chest feels like I'm constantly having a heart attack. I wake up in the morning feeling almost normal then it all rushes back to me. The only thing I can describe that comes close is a death as far as how it feels. So telling someone going through this that maybe there's someone else out there is about as sensitive as telling a widow that at her husband's funeral.
> 
> I've been with him for nearly 20 years. That is half my life and almost all my memories include this man. I can barely have a thought that doesn't have him in it so every thought, every song on the radio, every look at our children, family photos or his clothes still in our bedroom brings another stab of pain. Trust me, I am so acutely aware that I can't make him do anything. I hurt like hell right now. I look around our home and at our kids and think, "how can he not want to be here?" Imagine if your wife left you. I mean really stop and look around and picture her not there with you. Try to imagine the pain you'd feel. I am here to tell you, it is about 1000 times worse than what you are imagining. And part of the reason it is so very painful is that there is not a damn thing you can do about it. I'd give almost anything for him to walk back in and hug me and say he changed his mind but I know it's not going to happen, probably not ever.
> 
> Even if there might be someone else out there for me one day, on THIS day, I'm beyond sad. Maybe tomorrow will be better but I doubt it. I don't even see an end in sight and it really sucks.   Sorry if I'm rambling, having a really rough moment.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

SR, you seem to have you in your corner. Trusting in yourself and being your own champion can be a difficult thing to conjur up at this stage. I'm sorry this is so hard right now. It's unfathomable that nothing prepares you for the gallows of separation. 

You inquired about banking further up thread. I think it's good as you suggest to wait on delisting or changing accounts before you consult your lawyer. But would recommend that doing productive things such as opening a checking account in your name can and should happen ASAP. You may want to apply for a credit card in your own name before this all blows up. And I would advise you to take this opportunity to change online and answering machine security codes. 

Finally, I think it's ok to tell your bozo that he should make a list and that you'll let him have limited access to the house at a time of your choosing. 

Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I am having trouble with conjuring it somewhat, Orpheus. I'm trying to keep a clear head and avoid any interaction with him but it's hard with kids involved. I did move utilities into my name, at least the ones I could handle over the phone. That actually helped make me feel more empowered. I am looking into checking account but didn't want to really start much until I see the lawyer. He can't give me a date on when he can get the rest of his stuff out of the house, which really bites because it's just harder on me when he stops over here for something all the time. He has at least been asking first and not just showing up, though. He was pretty cool toward me last time he was here, which is actually easier for me to deal with than having to talk about something each time. I don't initiate any talks with him, though, unless it's to ask something about the kids. 

Way I see it, even though he is blaming me for everything he can imagine, this is HIS issue. I'm preparing myself for OW to show up at some point soon. Maybe I'll be wrong but I'm preparing myself for it nonetheless. 

But for now, I know I have to worry only about me and my kids and not even try to understand what's going on in his head. My family is all back in my hometown so I made this life with him in his hometown, which kinda sucks because if it had just been me, I'd move back home but I'm going to stay here. I have made friends here so I have support system there, and I don't want to uproot the kids. This is enough change for them at one time.

Today has been a little easier for me. I'll take what I can get.


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## AUGUSTBABY (Aug 2, 2012)

ktinvt said:


> I just stumbled upon this site and I can tell you that I am feeling EVERYTHING you are feeling. The pain, the tears, the questions, I just don't understand.
> 
> My blow came about 3 weeks ago and I have lost almost 15lbs! I get angry, I cry, I get scared.
> 
> ...


I am with both of you, too, except my girls are 5 & 7 and don't know the he!! That awaits them. And school starts in 2 weeks. But atleast my H will have space ...
What really tears me up is that we're ALL going through this and we shouldn't be. D may be the best option in some cases but not for a MLC or b/c they don't "feel it". It too easy for them to walk out. I had a thought last night that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, so the other 50% must end in death of a spouse (til death us do part). But there must be a % that includes both!
I so appreciate TAM being here in the middle of the night in all my craziness (I'll meetcha back here at midnight).
I thii
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Sorry August. I'm sorry any of us have to go through this. I'm really trying my hardest to not let it make me a bitter and unhappy person. That's not who I am by nature and if I'm being honest, he is rather pessimistic so he's kinda been bringing me down for a while now. He's made the unfortunate (for him) mistake of confusing my kindness with weakness, as he thinks I'm going to just take him back if he decides "space" wasn't what he wanted after all. On the contrary, every day that passes that he's gone, I find more reasons for him to stay that way. Of course, I have my moments of anguish, too, where I cry for everything that was once and could've been, but I'm letting myself have every feeling fully so I can get it out of my system if that makes sense. Even if he showed up right now wanting to come back, I would not let him. I can't trust him with my heart now. What if he came back and was here a week and felt like a caged animal and left again? Then my kids have to go through it all over again. No way! I'm putting my kids and me before everything else from now on. That's one promise I made to myself early on. 

I know it'll get worse before it gets better and I'm already thinking of times to come that are really going to suck, like holidays, but I'm trying to focus on me and my kids and right now, one day at a time like an alcoholic! LOL We can all be here for each other too. When I am feeling weak, I read or post here and it does help me get through that moment. Helps to know I'm not the only one going through this, even though I wish none of us had to!!


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I could have easily written this post myself! My husband has acted in an almost identical way and I truly believe it is a mid-life crisis. I am only three days into a separation and struggling.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm so sorry, specialplace. I know exactly how much pain you're in right now. Look up the 180 but do it for you, not for him. It helps you learn to shift your focus from him to yourself, which is something you will desperately need in the coming weeks. I'm amazed in reading around the 'net just how many spouses pull this. It's like an epidemic!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> I'm so sorry, specialplace. I know exactly how much pain you're in right now. Look up the 180 but do it for you, not for him. It helps you learn to shift your focus from him to yourself, which is something you will desperately need in the coming weeks. I'm amazed in reading around the 'net just how many spouses pull this. It's like an epidemic!


You guys are in the right place. I wish I had the wisdom to find this forum years back when I was going through my divorce. Instead I made many classic mistakes. Yes the 180 is a must and especially if you want to be viewed with respect. He may realize what he's losing much faster if you are strong. Anyway good luck.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm still making mistakes but at least I'm making fewer than I would've otherwise. Just today, I responded to his badgering and asking me about some of the changes I've made and wish I hadn't done that. He gets mad when I don't answer him and keeps at me until he gets a response. I told myself I wouldn't give in to it and dammit if I didn't do just that today. He can't seem to leave me alone as far as asking what I'm doing and making unnecessary contact. I'm sure you can all guess how well it would go over if I were to ask him what he did all weekend. I think I'm going to have to go completely dark real soon. I have been at NC, he initiates all contact, but it's to the point where no matter what I say, it ends up being wrong or spun on me. Nonetheless, the 180 changes have definitely helped me and helped to empower me. I still have moments and even entire days where I'm just a mess but at least it's getting better instead of worse so I can finally see a (very dim, pinpoint even) light at the end of the tunnel.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm so glad you can see that pinpoint out there. I'm guessing by now your children know. Are they ok? It is so hard for children, they didn't marry the jerk. Having school start will actually be good for them since they will have friends around who (sadly) have gone throught much of the same stuff. Stay strong when it comes to his badgering. Remember, he left, so its not his business. Picture a stranger asking the same of you and reply "that's not your business."


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Today was rough. He sent me a text saying if I needed to do anything, he'd come stay with the kids for a few hours (kids are old enough to stay by themselves). Then came the motive, he said he needed to do his laundry. Unbelievable! I said no, I'm good then oh sure, you can use my laundromat. He didn't care for that and made a comment about me calling it mine. I replied that well, it is mine, you moved out. Then he said if that's how you feel, I'll go to the laundromat, no problem. I should've stopped there but went on to say not sure what you mean, how would you feel in my shoes and do you still consider this your home. Naturally, he avoided that question and got snippy with me, saying just forget it and basically asking when I was going to get moving on the dissolution. Oh yes, he expects me to do all the legwork for the dissolution HE wants. It's just unreal to me.

After that exchange, I decided that's it, I've had enough. I sat down and drafted up the terms I want included in the dissolution and wrote him a letter stating that although I love him and don't want our marriage to end, I am letting him go and will get the dissolution started next week. I also told him that from now on, only contact me about the kids, bills or legal issues and that he can contact the kids directly on their phones to arrange seeing them and they can fill me in. I also told him our oldest can drive youngest to him for visits and if oldest doesn't go for some reason, he can pull in the driveway and I will send youngest out to him. I told him I cannot be the "friendly ex" he seems to want me to be, at least not right now but maybe someday. 

And with that, I'm going dark. I have to. I can't get past it with the constant interaction and it's eating me up inside. I'm a total wreck and I'm sick of my kids seeing me cry even when I'm trying to hide it from them all I can. I'm going to need a lot of help to stick to this so I'll come here or call one of my girlfriends when I feel tempted to contact him or reply if he contacts me. 

Oh, I also found a cell phone number on the account that belongs to a woman. Only called it twice and it was right before he switched his cell phone onto his company's plan, but I got the number and found it anyway. I know her name and where she lives, and it just so happens she lives just a few roads over from where he was staying when he first left. I think he thought that by switching his phone over, I wouldn't see it but I did and will still get the bill up to when he switched, which will also show it.

I must say, I feel pretty at peace right now. I don't know if it will last, but I sure appreciate the feeling for now. I feel like I finally took the control of the situation out of his hands. Now to get through the upcoming weeks as I go dark and file!


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