# Being told I'm not Christian enough



## Solis

This is a complicated story but will try to make it short. Could really just use some advice from unbiased ppl. H and I have been marries for 7.5 years/together 10.5 years. Throughout it all has been years of verbal and emotional abuse as well as a physical situation. When H found out I was unhappy, he did a complete 180..nearly overnight. He now reads the Bible constantly, reading Christian books, quotes scripture, couples Christian counseling..you get the idea. It's almost an obsession. I checked out emotionally in this marriage more than a year ago..after his abuse started affecting our two young boys. I am 100% confident that I am done. I don't love him, don't hate him..just feel nothing.
Since this radical change, he's done everything to make is work...everything I've asked him to do for the last 7 years. He's admitted his mistakes. But again, I feel nothing. I've told him this and he will start telling me I'm breaking our covenant, promise to God..love is not a feeling but a choice and done through actions. He will say i need to be like Jesus and forgive him for his past behavior and move forward honoring Gods will. He has become very anxious, desperate, clingy (although i repeatedly asked him for space).

My question is..I feel like God is leading me to leave. I'm worried his change won't continue, his anxiety and paranoia will get worse, behavior will affect the kids. He tells me God wants us together but is that God really telling him that or just what he wants to happen? How could God be telling us two different things?


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## RoninJedi

Because you're not listening.

Your husband is correct, but your feelings are also completely understandable.

Love is an action, not an emotion. It's something you *do*. You *do* need to forgive him his past. But he also needs to respect your space - within reason (i.e. if him giving you your space means that you start living as roommates, then NO, that's wrong).

God hates divorce. Period. He's NOT going to lead you to do something He hates. Yes, there have been monumental issues, but your husband is trying. Frankly, the time for leaving was when the abuse was going on. Now that you're on the other side of that and he's trying to improve, you have no right to "check out" and throw up your hands.

You're having a hard time trusting in his change because of the way he's been in the past. To that, I will say three things.

1.) This is 1000000% understandable. There's a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. The abuse is something you will never forget, and as humans our instinct is to protect ourselves from being hurt - hence you "checking out". You don't want to invest because you're afraid you'll be hurt again. Again, this is totally and completely understandable, but you can't dwell on it forever.

2.) You are holding back because you're afraid your husband's changes won't last. You're basically withholding his wife from him because of something that hasn't happened yet. Basically, if you don't stop this (which is a choice, *not* a feeling) you will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. What do I mean by that?

He gives it all he's got to change, but you don't give him yourself (I mean emotionally and the whole nine yards) because you're afraid the changes won't last. Enough time passes this way, and he will begin to feel that all his effort is pointless because you don't care (he is just a human, after all), a window of opportunity for the enemy is opened, and so the changes *do* begin to grow lax and sooner or later disappear altogether - which is exactly what you were afraid of in the first place.

You see what I'm saying?

3.) You don't have to trust your husband. You have to trust God. Don't trust in your husband's ability to change, but in God's ability to change him. This is much easier said than done, but like everything else, it is a decision, not a feeling.

God isn't leading you away from your marriage. Your heart is. Understandable, but you've GOT to put the brakes on and take control of your heart.

Let me remind you that the Word tells us the heart is *deceitful* above all measure and *desperately wicked*, and that no one can know it. (Jeremiah 17:9)

We are told to keep (guard) our heart with *all diligence*. (Proverbs 4:23)

And finally, that if you trust your own heart you're stupid. That's Proverbs 28:26 in plain modern-day english.

Let me also say that the Bible also says if you give up when there's trouble, you're a wuss.

"If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small." - Proverbs 24:10

The two of you need to get into counseling yesterday - marriage and individual. Considering your husband's 180, I would imagine he would have no problem with this. You both need to learn how to be husband and wife again, and individually he needs to learn how to make sure he doesn't fall back into old habits, and you need to learn how to leave his failures in the past.

As I said, forgiving and forgetting are totally different. But forgiving is a conscious decision you have to make, and it means that you will *NOT* hold whatever it is over that person's head, which is basically what you're doing now.

Again, you don't have to trust your husband - not yet, anyway. You just need to trust God.

" But my God shall supply *all your need* according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19 (emphasis mine)

God bless.


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## mablenc

You can't undo years of harm, how long has your spouse been behaving? Do you feel it's a permanent change or manipulation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy

I'm curious how a man abuses you for 10 years and then 'suddenly' figures out that you're unhappy. What caused this epiphany?

Edit: Also, it's not your newly converted husband's place to tell you if you're "Christian enough". I believe that's God's call.


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## Mavash.

Sorry I'm with you on this one. He's using the bible to manipulate you into staying. I got the same line when I chose to stay away from my abusive, toxic parents. "Honor thy father and thy mother". Yes I will honor them alright....from afar. LOL 

It is your right to leave when someone abuses you. The fact that he changed AFTER you checked out changes nothing. Sucks to be him. Should have thought about that BEFORE he did damage to you and your two innocent boys.


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## FormerSelf

Its so hard to have clarity when there is such overwhelming feelings...and it is perfectly normal to feel claustrophobic when a spouse is laying it on thick...and the truth is that he is really scared of losing you...and that will resort into some very clingy behavior that is causing you to struggle with having respect for him. Is it God telling you to go...or is that just your emotions just feeling on fire to "GET AWAY!!!"? At the same time, your husband's fear is not helping the situation by focusing more on what YOU need to do to make him feel more comfortable. Communication is is really poor...and instead of saying what is really going on inside him...he is hoping that he can control you to stay. That's not God speaking either.

I believe that when we make a marriage covenant...that it should be held to...and and I held to that in in spite of our dysfunction, seasons of sexlessness, her emotion affairs, and kicking me out of the house (in order to get space, but really to explore ways to continue emotional affairs). I have to admit, when my wife was teetering on the edge, i didn't handle it well and got very clingy which squeezed her away. After a period of separation, she came around...realizing that she was making a decision that didn't line up with her beliefs...this happened several times...and as much as I can hang a lot of this on my wife's destructive behaviors...I know she lost hope after years of my codependent behavior. We often chalk up how we feel to what we would like to think that God is leading us...but often that isn't so. On the other hand, when feelings are dead they are dead...and it it takes a monumental amount of hope to even get back to the place to try to FEEL for something you gave up on. This is just a natural response to what we go through sometimes...law of the farm sorta stuff...crops failed to get watered, they die. If a marriage fails to get watered it dies.

This summer, I had it and my wife had it. She wasn't getting help and she was going back to messing around on the internet. I felt my heart break...and I stopped fighting for the marriage...convinced that it was done and kaput...that my wife made her decision... I wasn't going to say a word about it other than I didn't believe in it and I wanted to honor my commitment...but if that is what she wanted I wasn't going to hold her back. Two days before our divorce, she stopped in her tracks and wanted to fix it...and then a month later i was diagnosed with an aggressive bone marrow cancer...and I don't know if I'll live for another two years. I can't even begin to try to understand God's will in any of this...but what has indeed come about is that my wife and I certainly are looking at life and our marriage in a whole different light.

This is life...you make decisions, you get consequences (good and bad)...you make oaths and break them, you get consequences (good and bad). If you are a believer, then we try our best to line up our lives to what it says in Scripture...and believe that the tough calls and sacrifices we make is His ultimate will...but as you read in the Bible...people make lots of wrong calls and do suffer consequences, yet God can also restore and heal those things too. 
I would suggest a trial separation. Get some physical space away...and then some intense couple's counseling in the meantime...where you can hopefully inravel unhealthy behavior that is automatic and help alleviate your marital claustrophobia. It is hard to think rational about working on things when you keep getting triggered by husband's clingyness.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

Your husband may well have "found god" and changed his ways for good but whether he has done so in time to save your marriage is not in his sole control. It is a conclusion you must both come to agreement on as neither one of you can make your marriage a success without the other doing their part.

People do have the ability to change and if you believe that he has truly done so then it could be worth giving your relationship another go.

As to what is God’s will your husband is no better qualified to say than you.


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## SimplyAmorous

It is in your husband's favor to completely acknowledge the damage & hurt he has caused you over the years...at be at your mercy during this time... I also believe people can change and have a sincere heart....suddenly realizing what they've taken for granted , even emotionally abused...and what can be lost forever.... but then sometimes *it is too little too late.*...how you are feeling here. 

Sometimes people have to hit the gutter of life before they look UP... it sounds he has thrown himself into christianity in hopes of keeping you... but has fallen to subtly brow beating you with scripture to get you to conform.... this never works.

He must operate through Love, prayer...doing the "Love Dare" before you would be far more effective than trying to twist your arm though religious constraints, or laying "you aren't christian enough" on you..

And true, this could just be a phase as well.. .only time can reveal the lasting effect on his behavior... I've known plenty of believers who would be on Fire for God... then swing back into the world, then something bad happened, on fire for God again... then sucked into bad behaviors again... then almost died, back in church again... Stability in how we live is a fruit of the spirit... this is lasting.. we may fall here & there, but we always get back up, go to our brother or sister and do our everything to make it right....

He is just now learning this.. and hopefully those type scriptures will be more of an influence over his behavior. You need to see a new life emerge that stirs you to wanting to remain with him.. nothing less will do.


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## Solis

Thanks everyone for responding. I appreciated the different points of view and it gave me a lot to think about. I guess my feelings/thinking is that for love to be an action, there has to be a foundation of love. Something that one can grow from. But all I can feel when I see H is either a lump in my throat or I feel sick to my stomach. And while I understand that God hates divorce...I Los think he hates to see one of his children hurting at the hands of another..especially with children. I often think (and I'm not calling anyone out here specifically, just in general) that is the abuse was physical, the opinion to leave would be more common.


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## Unique Username

Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior

You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig

I'm so sorry that you have had to live through this Solis.
I'm even more sorry and saddened that your children have had to see their mother live through it.

Getting out and making a happy, healthy and more NORMAL life for yourself and your children should be your priority. Neither you nor your kids should live with violence, emotional and verbal abuse.

His using God and Christianity to try to further manipulate you is despicable. 

MY God doesn't condone maleficent behaviors.


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## Lon

What exactly do you mean when you say you "checked out"?

I'm seeing some indicators (god leading you away, repulsion, resigned that he can't change despite him trying), that there is something external causing you to pull away from your H, otherwise you wouldn't feel repulsion. Also if these things he now doing is meeting your needs, then so what if he wasnt before, perhaps he figured it out, does he not deserve a chance to prove he really wants to meet your needs and make the marriage work?

My concern for you and him, is that once you feel these things your mind can rewrite history in order to help you cope with the guilt of what you are deciding to do.

There is a foundation of love there or neither of you would have stuck with each other this long. Convincing yourself it is all bad in order to take action only helps when its the truth, when it isn't it is very easy to lead yourself astray.


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## EleGirl

Lon said:


> I'm seeing some indicators (god leading you away, repulsion, resigned that he can't change despite him trying), that there is something external causing you to pull away from your H, otherwise you wouldn't feel repulsion.


I disagree with this. Years of emotional abuse does very often lead to a person being repulsed by the spouse who abused them. It’s a natural reaction.


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## EleGirl

I do believe that a person can change. Some never change. Some take a long time to change. Some change on a dime. The problem is that it takes a long time for them to prove that they have changed.

The indifference and repulsion you feel is a natural reaction to years of abuse and not having your needs met. You most likely have put up a wall around you that keeps you from letting any good he does get in because you do not trust him.. for good reason.



Solis said:


> I've told him this and he will start telling me I'm breaking our covenant, promise to God..love is not a feeling but a choice and done through actions. He will say i need to be like Jesus and forgive him for his past behavior and move forward honoring Gods will. He has become very anxious, desperate, clingy (although i repeatedly asked him for space).


You say that his abuse was emotional/verbal. It sounds like he has just found a different way to channel his emotional abuse. Now he’s using God, Jesus and the bible to tell you that you are wrong and to deny your right to your feelings.

His demanding that you forgive him is way out of line. Forgiveness is given of free will, not given on demand.

How long has it been since he changed?


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## Solis

Saying I checked out meaning that I've admittedly put up a wall bc I was tired of letting myself get hurt and I couldn't be a good mom if I was focused on what he said/did to hurt me. He had no interest in the boys welfare, so I put my energy into that. 

I have told him over the years, numerous times, that his behavior was demeaning, mean, manipulative and he always told me I was the one w the problem bc I didn't 'listen to him' or do what he wanted me to do, I was raising 'serial killers' bc I wasn't hard enough on the boys' behavior; the house was a pig sty; why can't I fold the laundry right; load the dishwasher correctly..these are just a few examples. When he snooped thru my email, he found the only email I had written about our marriage to a friend saying I wasn't happy. Within 2 days, he was reading the bible, begging to go to therapy, etc. And while he seems to be more patient w me, I see his anxiety (that before came out through anger) comes out as being clingy and frustration w kids behavior. He started taking meds for anxiety prescribed by his pcp. I asked him if he'd be willing to go to psychiatrist for an in depth consult and maybe get meds that were more effective. His answer: if dr diagnosed him w anger problem or anxiety, the govt/obamacare would find out and take away all of his guns and ammo. 

It's just all weird and complicated lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote of Solis
> Since this radical change, he's done everything to make is work...everything I've asked him to do for the last 7 years. He's admitted his mistakes.


*Is it correct that he has done everything you have ask him to do for the last 7 years?*








> Quote of Solis
> And while I understand that God hates divorce...I Los think he hates to see one of his children hurting at the hands of another..especially with children


*How is your husband NOW hurting you and the children?*


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## FormerSelf

In terms of the abuse aspect, that certainly needs to be taken seriously...and just because he is trying to work on things...it does does not magically change how the abuse has affected you and if you are capable of continuing forward. That was a risk he was taking during the season of his abuse...and now he is scared of reaping what he sowed in that regard.

He is afraid that you will leave. You are afraid to stay. If fear takes first place in our decision making...it can mess with where God is directing us. In my scenario, when I gave up in my marriage because of my wife's EAs, I was SO ANGRY at my wife for changing her mind to reconcile, but deep down I knew God was telling me to stay...yet I fought it because I was scared for it to happen again. However, my wife also didn't try to corral me and respected my emotional boundaries. Again (as I said in my previous post), we reconciled, I got diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and now there is no way we could have endured this without each other...and I am so THANKFUL for her! 

Abuse is about control...and so is using Scripture in a coercive manner. You may be on the fence about it...or you may already have your mind made up. God gives us free will. But if you are truly interested in seeking God's guidance (via your OWN Scripture studies and honing in on a relationship with Him), then you need the space to be able to define that guidance...which is why a separation can be a healthy step to whatever direction you head into, especially is spouse is not capable to give you space. God knows my situation and story...and he intimately knows yours. And your story is your own story...and God probably has something very specific to communicate to you about it. Blessings


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## Anon Pink

How is this....



Solis said:


> I have told him over the years, numerous times, that his behavior was demeaning, mean, *manipulative and he always told me I was the one w the problem bc I didn't 'listen to him' or do what he wanted me to do,*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Different from this....



> But again, I feel nothing. I've told him this and he will start telling me I'm breaking our covenant, promise to God..love is not a feeling but a choice and done through actions. He *will say i need to be like Jesus and forgive him for his past behavior and move forward honoring Gods will*. He has become very anxious, desperate, clingy (although i repeatedly asked him for space).


He is still minimizing and discounting your feelings, thoughts and opinions. He still insisting you do things HIS way.

Whether by beating you verbally or beating you with the bible, he is STILL minimizing, discounting and controlling and this is why you can't find any feelings for him.

A truly repentant man would graciously give you space, validate your feelings and allow you time to see the new man.


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## Fozzy

Anon Pink said:


> How is this....
> 
> 
> 
> Different from this....
> 
> 
> 
> He is still minimizing and discounting your feelings, thoughts and opinions. He still insisting you do things HIS way.
> 
> Whether by beating you verbally or beating you with the bible, he is STILL minimizing, discounting and controlling and this is why you can't find any feelings for him.
> 
> A truly repentant man would graciously give you space, validate your feelings and allow you time to see the new man.


:iagree:


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## Unique Username

2galsmom said:


> It is most unusual when an abuser does an about face after years of physical, emotional and physical abuse. I also do not trust other people who speak for God, God can speak to you without these people.
> 
> You are being emotionally manipulated and he is now using religion and the name of the Lord to do so.
> 
> *I can also tell you facts about abusive relationships, it is a fact that when a person has been in an abusive situation for years it compromises their ability to think clearly and emotional numbing is very much a byproduct of abuse, both are ways for the self to protect itself from destruction.*
> 
> God hates divorce? I thought God was love.
> 
> OP, you need clarity and space from your spouse to think clearly. Surely God will support you on your journey.
> 
> When one form of abuse loses its efficacy, the abuser choses another strategy, here it seems to be speaking for God.


:iagree: with everything - and especially the bold!

Why don't you talk to a minister at a different church - for example a United Methodist Church minister has at the very least a Masters degree and they MUST have counseling courses at seminary prior to ordination on how to help people with what you are going through. 
I say this because your minister/pastor or whatever might be biased in already having seen the abuse for years.


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## Solis

Thanks y'all. I really do appreciate it. We had a 'discussion' last night and I told him I'm not happy, I was feeling smothered, didn't like being told what i said wasn't Gods will. He asked me if I was reading the bible and talking to God. Then he started getting hysterical and told me he isn't scared to die and it'd be easier on everyone if he did. He said he isn't going to do anything himself (although I honestly don't think that's true) but he wouldn't fight to live. 

I will admit that through all of this, I started drinking more..maybe a glass or two (no more) a night. He said I'm turning into an alcoholic bc I don't drink in front of him. I told him he's always commented if I do have a drink (even though he drinks as well). 

He woke up this morning very anxious and following me around trying to hug me and hold my hand. I finally shoved him away (gently) and he got pissed. He started yelling at the kids bc they were being loud. I feel like it's all unraveling quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

Girl, you need to get out before he does something dangerous! Just get out for two weeks. Pack the kids and go!


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## Mavash.

This is what happens when abusive people don't get their way.

Please be safe.


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## ConanHub

Anon Pink said:


> Girl, you need to get out before he does something dangerous! Just get out for two weeks. Pack the kids and go!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

THIS!!!!! Your husband is a POS!
Take care of yourself and your kids! It would not be Christian to not protect your kids and yourself.

He is unhinged and it is not your fault! He needs to fix him.
NOT YOU!!
Please get while the getting is good.
My mom didn't listen to the advice being given to you right now.
I know what happens next.


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## CouldItBeSo

It seems like he'd rather be married to Jesus than you. Do not turn the other cheek for him. I say dump him and fast his behavior has nothing to do with your religion.


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## sinnister

Solis said:


> Saying I checked out meaning that I've admittedly put up a wall bc I was tired of letting myself get hurt and I couldn't be a good mom if I was focused on what he said/did to hurt me. He had no interest in the boys welfare, so I put my energy into that.
> 
> I have told him over the years, numerous times, that his behavior was demeaning, mean, manipulative and he always told me I was the one w the problem bc I didn't 'listen to him' or do what he wanted me to do, I was raising 'serial killers' bc I wasn't hard enough on the boys' behavior; the house was a pig sty; why can't I fold the laundry right; load the dishwasher correctly..these are just a few examples. When he snooped thru my email, he found the only email I had written about our marriage to a friend saying I wasn't happy. Within 2 days, he was reading the bible, begging to go to therapy, etc. And while he seems to be more patient w me, I see his anxiety (that before came out through anger) comes out as being clingy and frustration w kids behavior. He started taking meds for anxiety prescribed by his pcp. I asked him if he'd be willing to go to psychiatrist for an in depth consult and maybe get meds that were more effective. *His answer: if dr diagnosed him w anger problem or anxiety, the govt/obamacare would find out and take away all of his guns and ammo. *
> It's just all weird and complicated lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This doesn't sound like the sort of fellow that should have guns and ammo.


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## Anon Pink

sinnister said:


> This doesn't sound like the sort of fellow that should have guns and ammo.


QFT!!!

I wish there was some competency requirement!


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## Fozzy

Anon Pink said:


> QFT!!!
> 
> I wish there was some competency requirement!


I also wish there was a competency requirement for marriage.


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## explode

I absolutely understand the feeling indifferentand being repulsed by his touch. I feel the same about my husband. I ama christian and feel very unsure of what God wants me to do.


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## explode

My husband is not a christian. He started trying everything when I started talking about divorce. He seems to think that a series of tasks can make our relationship better. Painting fences and sweeping floors can't mend my heart. I wish I knew how to love him with my heart and not just with actions.


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## ariel_angel77

I can't believe some of you people are telling her to get divorced when her husband has changed his behavior. Do you know how many women only wish their husband would do that for them? Your husband obviously loves you if he made this 180 for you. He's not abusing you by saying you should forgive him because it says so in the bible, he is scared that you will leave him and doing everything he can to prevent that. I do not get where he said you are not a Christian. He is just trying to save his marriage. Count yourself lucky. Even in my husband's 180 from abuse he didn't do THAT much for me, like getting super involved in the bible. 

As long as the abuse has stopped, you have NO reason to leave. You are listening to the devil. God would never tell you to get divorced when He hates divorce. You say that He also hates to see His child get treated that way. Guess what? He stopped it. He changed your husband's heart. He did His part. You do yours and fix your marriage instead of checking out of it when there is no reason anymore. Furthermore, the Word says that infidelity is the ONLY out for a marriage. Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." (Matt. 19:9). The spirit will NEVER go against the Word. Remember that. 

You promised til death do you part. Honor your vows. Your husband is honoring his.

I am so tired of people advising others to get divorced on here for reasons other than adultery. I wonder how many marriages you guys have aided in ruining. I thought this site was about keeping marriages together and contributing to healthy ones. Divorce is the furthest thing from healthy. It's the most destructive thing one can do.

OP, as I mentioned above, I went through the same thing. My H was abusive. I told him I was done. He changed his ways right away and said he would do anything for his marriage. He didn't realize what he was doing until I made a HUGE deal about it. It opened his eyes when I told him I was almost done. When he changed, I was long gone for a while. I considered leaving him anyway. Why did he deserve me after that? Well, I stayed anyway and honored my vows. I ended up falling back in love with him, and now coupled with him trying, we've never been closer and more in love. Yeah, you may get hurt again, and you probably will. No one is perfect. You risk your heart in marriage. You ALWAYS offer your heart to your husband (when he has stopped the abuse.) You always risk it for him. You promised to in your vows. That's what marriage is all about, putting them above your fears.

Since you said you are a Christian, I would STRONGLY urge you to listen to these sermons. If you want to understand marriage and God's will for you as a bride, I challenge you to listen to these four sermons. Listen to one each day this week. Before you do, pray that God would open your heart and mind and give you the ears to hear and discern His will. Reading or watching these will make it very difficult to not understand what you should do and what your role is as a bride who claims to follow Jesus. 
So these should be huge resources for you. Be wise and make good use of them, okay?

Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, Part 1 | Desiring God
Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, Part 2 | Desiring God
What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 1 | Desiring God
What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 2 | Desiring God


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## indiecat

He has been physical with you before?

You are in danger if you decide to leave. So are your boys. The red flags for violence are all present. 

His behavior is frightening. 

Are you in MC? If not get into it right now. And with a non Christian counselor preferable. 

You need him to understand that him forcing you into any type of behavior is about control. 

If he get irrational please just take the kids and leave and do NOT under any circumstances tell him that you are leaving. Just hustle the kids into the car and go to a shelter, or a friends house. Preferable a friend that he doesn't know the address of.


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## wanttolove

It's really just a matter of trust and forgiveness now, if your husband has truly repented. That is something you can't completely just judge, but your common sense knows whether he is genuine or not.

I am not saying leave God out of it, but this is not really a Christian issue at the moment.

Reading your post and some of the responses just made a light go off in my mind.. and my heart just now.


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## Personal

Solis hasn't logged on since 25 November 2013, so she probably hasn't been reading this discussion thread for a long time now.


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## Blossom Leigh

Solis said:


> Thanks y'all. I really do appreciate it. We had a 'discussion' last night and I told him I'm not happy, I was feeling smothered, didn't like being told what i said wasn't Gods will. He asked me if I was reading the bible and talking to God. Then he started getting hysterical and told me he isn't scared to die and it'd be easier on everyone if he did. He said he isn't going to do anything himself (although I honestly don't think that's true) but he wouldn't fight to live.
> 
> I will admit that through all of this, I started drinking more..maybe a glass or two (no more) a night. He said I'm turning into an alcoholic bc I don't drink in front of him. I told him he's always commented if I do have a drink (even though he drinks as well).
> 
> He woke up this morning very anxious and following me around trying to hug me and hold my hand. I finally shoved him away (gently) and he got pissed. He started yelling at the kids bc they were being loud. I feel like it's all unraveling quickly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok Darlin' let me first start by saying that I am currently walking in your shoes, but with different results. I am so sorry you are in a sea of pain which is why you don't feel anything. Your body is numbing out to protect you from the overload this onslaught brings to your door. So forgive yourself for having no feeling. It is PERFECTLY normal and allow it. Its just where you are right now. I went through the same thing. It does pass. Be gentle with yourself and DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO GUILT YOU.

Now... with that said... there are big differences in our two situations... I'm going to point out some concerns first, then share more about my story.

1. Yes God wants marriages to say together BUT! in the spirit He intended.... and that spirit is missing in your home. Therefore you will have to make a choice between staying different or leaving and those have to be done in very specific ways and in the right spirit to maintain *your own* integrity with the Lord.

2. Your husband is not showing improvement in my book. He is paying lip service by cloaking himself in religion.

3. On top of that he is emotionally blackmailing you with "Fear, Obligation, and Guilt" which is abuse. He doesn't have YOUR best interests in mind but his own. Therefore I highly recommend the book Emotional Blackmail as well as any Boundary books by Townsend and the website Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support. 

As long as your husband chooses abusive behaviors, there is NO relationship other than the one with yourself in survival from his behaviors. A true marriage cannot exist when destructive behaviors are present. Therefore you must decide stop the destructive behaviors by creating the environment that doesn't reward that behavior OR remove yourself from that destructive environment. 

In my situation, it was bad. Seven years of emotional abuse, psychological, and some physical. When I got my belly full once our son became scared of him, I educated myself on what abusive behaviors are and started calling them by name with boundaries and as he escalated during that process I asked him to leave. I let him know that he is not welcomed without serious professional help for his anger issues. He was gone two months, did the work and is STILL doing the work, 2 to 6 hours of therapy every week without skipping. Part of the therapy is with a professional and part of it is mentorship through our church. What I have witnessed is him FIRST admitting he was wrong in his abusive approach to me, that the responsibility for choosing better behavior is on him. BEFORE he reached that conclusion he kept looking to me constantly to fix us and I just constantly kept telling him, I am working on me, keep your eyes on your own paper. I kept beating that same drum and what happened over time was that the outsiders that were around him started calling him out on his behavior and telling him he was NOT right nor justified in any way to treat me the way he was treating me. So, I kept him at a distance until he figured out how to approach me well. When I started seeing love, compassion, attentiveness, non anger, humility, patience, personal responsibility, THEN I allowed him closer and closer until he came back home in a natural progression. Once he was back home we are practicing better relational management to reduce the level of conflict over time and it is working REALLY well. 

In your situation he has NOT reached that humility you want and need to look for. Look at his actions, not his words. It is NOT ok that he is using his emotions and the Bible as weapons to control you. Communicate clearly that those actions are not acceptable to you and keep him at a distance until he chooses different. So those who say keep your space are dead on in this situation. He doesnt get access to you when he is abusive. Protect yourself Darlin' Your Lord and Savior that you know didn't allow stone throwing, remember? He washed feet, remember? Embrace your LOVING Savior and allow his love to wash you clean and fill your heart and your husband is making that more difficult by using the loving words of Christ totally wrong. He is using them in the wrong spirit. They are to be used in a spirit of love NOT fear force and intimidation.

How is your husband serving you? He's not, but he is trying to FORCE you to submit to him and that is not going to work Baby... keep your head up. Your Lord is with you and He will straighten this around one way or another.


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## 6301

Maybe he should have thought about quotes from the bible before he started landing the verbal abuse on you.

Seems like he went from one extreme to the other and there was never any middle ground so now it's up to you make your own.

If your not happy and see no future with him then move on and find your happiness. Your entitled to that and if you feel like your being bombarded with scripture and verses and it's not your cup of tea, then find your own way without him. You can' be faulted for wanting peace and happiness in your life.


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## Coffee Amore

This is an old thread. The original poster hasn't logged here since 2013. I'll close the thread.


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