# Been Considering Leaving



## tannos (Apr 27, 2017)

I've been married to my husband for 7 years in October, 11 years together overall. He is a good, good man. I've been wrestling with feelings of needing to start my life over, get to know who I really am as a person, etc. I've had these thoughts for a few years. Several years ago I was involved in a poly relationship, which definitely wasn't ok with my husband, but he was upset by it and it was very hard on him, understandably. I have vowed I would never put him through that again. Since then, I have cheated on him twice. The first time was during a particularly difficult time we went through while trying to buy our house. We were nearly homeless and the stress it caused made me question everything. I was not in a good place. A male co-worker made advances and I didn't stop the attention. It escalated to us having sex, which I do regret. After that dissolved, a second male co-worker began to flirt with me, and we spent nearly a year exchanging messages and photos, even though nothing physical ever happened. Obviously, my husband knows nothing about either of these two incidents.
And now I have reconnected with someone who I had an unfinished history with. I initiated contact because I thought it would be harmless (I assumed the person no longer had any kind of feelings for me). As it turned out, this person absolutely does still have feelings for me. We both feel like it's like we just picked right up where we left off nearly 20 years ago. My heart feels like it's going to burst. there are also other complications with Mr. Reconnect. he has been off and on talking to another girl for year before he and I reconnected, and it's a similar situation. She is in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive but she is addicted to it and won't leave. he gave her an ultimatum, but there are no guarantees that either one fo us will be with Mr. Reconnect after making our decisions. So it's not exactly a case of me leaving my husband for him, because that is not what would be happening. Yes, this connection has awakened things within me and caused me to really question what I am doing and why do I stay.
I love my husband, but I do not feel in love with him. I feel like our relationship has grown stagnant. We have had discussions before about this specifically and of different things that aren't working for me, but yet things stay the same.
I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be dishonest anymore. He deserves better than this.
In a recent convo with Mr. Reconnect, he said to me that he didn't want me to leave my husband for him, because it would cause resentment. And he's totally right. If I do this, the decision has to be made for myself. And I know I've been unhappy, and a big part of me doesn't really want to try anymore. I just want the ride to stop and for me to get off. But I know it's not that simple. We have a house together, my mother lives with us, we have two cats and three dogs. If I do go through with this, I wouldn't even have any idea what to do or how to make it as smooth or quick as possible. I know it will be hard, it will be emotionally difficult, there will be tears. I know this. But I almost feel like this is something I am meant to face? Like this is a lesson I have to learn? I just feel lost and am looking for possibly some advice from others who have been here before?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

For the love of everything holy, please set this poor schmuck free.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tell you H what you have been up to and allow him to make the call on whether you leave or not.


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## tannos (Apr 27, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Tell you H what you have been up to and allow him to make the call on whether you leave or not.


I want to be honest with him. But it seems sort of weird to "allow him to make the call". I am open to talking about everything, but no one tells another human being what to do or not do.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

tannos said:


> I want to be honest with him. But it seems sort of weird to "allow him to make the call". I am open to talking about everything, but no one tells another human being what to do or not do.


Seriously? Are you serious? Don't you question your own integrity? How do you feel about yourself when you go to sleep at night. Don't you hate who you've become? When you see him today, tell him you'd banged a couple of other dudes, you want to bang more and you both need to get out. Tell him there is no chance for reconcile and blame it on yourself so he can cut cleaner. Then pack your mom up and find a place to live while he sells the house.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tannos said:


> I want to be honest with him. But it seems sort of weird to "allow him to make the call". I am open to talking about everything, but no one tells another human being what to do or not do.


What you are doing to your spouse is human? You have secrets and are cheating. Your H is totally in the blind. 

Go ahead, tell your H. Let us know how it works out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should not be in a relationship with anyone. You need to fix your issues first.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tannos said:


> I want to be honest with him. But it seems sort of weird to "allow him to make the call". I am open to talking about everything, but no one tells another human being what to do or not do.


Do you not get the irony that you have taken away his choice to make an informed decision about you every time you lie to him.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

tannos said:


> I just want the ride to stop and for me to get off. But I know it's not that simple. We have a house together, my mother lives with us, we have two cats and three dogs. If I do go through with this, I wouldn't even have any idea what to do or how to make it as smooth or quick as possible. I know it will be hard, it will be emotionally difficult, there will be tears. I know this. But I almost feel like this is something I am meant to face? Like this is a lesson I have to learn? I just feel lost and am looking for possibly some advice from others who have been here before?


This is easy. I can help you make the ride stop, so you can get off.

Go home, with your mom and husband home, and sit everyone down. Then Say "Hubby, you remember about that time I was cheating on you with a couple? Well... after that, I slept with X repeatedly while we were trying to buy the house. Then I had a non-sexual but very intimate relationship with Y for Z length of time. And right now I'm talking to Mr. Reconnect, and have been for [however long you have been] who "totally doesn't want me to leave you for him" but definitely wants me to leave you for him, but is also interested in this other married woman, and I really just want out of this relationship with you."

Guaranteed, this will help you get what you want.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

If the confrontation is too frightening for you, I suggest this:

Go, spend some time writing a letter. Document everything as it happened, and who with. Make sure to get all the naughty details. Then pack up your essentials, leave the letter on the kitchen table, addressed to your Husband, then go move in with Mr. Reconnect.

Make sure you end the letter with "I just want the ride to stop and for me to get off. I've gone to live with Mr. Reconnect." That way your Husband doesn't try to drag you back to something you don't want. 

Then enjoy your new life.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It's convenient for you to stay and not disrupt the family; your, mom and the animals is who you consider your family. Your husband doesn't mean anything as you have replaced him too many times to even see him as important to you. No need to lie anymore. He is disposable, but you two own "things" together and that is really it.

You can't make a marriage out of this. It will not be easy, but it's time you did the honorable thing though. He will be hurt whether you trickle the truth or not. The whole truth will be best instead of crushing him little by little. Let it all out; the bad and the ugly cuz there just ain't nothing good left in this mess.

Once you stop using the excuse of loving him but not in love with him, you can go bang who ever you want. If you don't have a job, you gotta get one. If you want your part of the house, let him know you are divorcing because you need your share of the sale of the house to move you and your mom out. Decide on what kind of custody you want with your animals and leave that at that.

Sever all ties, that is the humane thing to do. Your past mistakes are in the past for you as you will not have to deal with the aftermath you leave him to clean up. Sadly, it is what it is. At least you will stop using and stringing him along. That is a positive.

Good luck in finding a happy ever after. You are going to need all the luck you can get. 

Oh, and send him over to this site. We are better adept at helping him pick up the pieces of this very messy life you will be leaving behind. Not your problem anymore once you get off. Make sure you get off for sure though and never look back. It's for the best.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just can't wrap my head around this much evil and stupidity to give a lucid response.

I'll just say 4 Things:

1 "the truth shall set you free".
2. This is proof positive that letting your wife cuckold you causes them to lose all respect and then feelings for you. Then again, OP likely never had any respect for her H to make that request to start off with.
3). He let her cuckold him once knowingly, so he will likely want to "work things out" with her even after she spills her guts.
4). Mr. Reconnect sounds truly perfect for you. Please marry him next.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Honestly, if you really love Mr. Reconnect, it is up to you to take him as an actual lover once you leave your husband. Please do leave your husband and file for divorce so you can have the money off the sale of the house to start over and he does too.

He will not understand as he has not had years of detachment like you have. That will be understandable. I think the letter with your truth and timetable will sink in with time for him and he will let you go eventually. Try to do that and be very honest with that timeline. Don't feel guilt, it is not necessary, transparency is better for both of you.

It may be that you are not able to be faithful, so Mr. Reconnect is a better match for you. Can you share him with the other woman? If you can, then open your relationships. That may be why you simply couldn't stay faithful to your husband in the first place. You were going against your true self and that is not fair for you either. 

Seek partners that feel the same as you do. You will live better and without lies and secrecy. Being faithful and remaining that way obviously doesn't work for you. Fair enough. Follow your true nature and you may very well end up happier.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You will be doing him a favour if you leave. Hopefully he can meet a lady who will treat him with kindness, love and respect and be faithful to him, poor man.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tannos said:


> I've been married to my husband for 7 years in October, 11 years together overall. He is a good, good man. I've been wrestling with feelings of needing to start my life over, get to know who I really am as a person, etc. I've had these thoughts for a few years. Several years ago I was involved in a poly relationship, which definitely wasn't ok with my husband, but he was upset by it and it was very hard on him, understandably. I have vowed I would never put him through that again. Since then, I have cheated on him twice. The first time was during a particularly difficult time we went through while trying to buy our house. We were nearly homeless and the stress it caused made me question everything. I was not in a good place. A male co-worker made advances and I didn't stop the attention. It escalated to us having sex, which I do regret. After that dissolved, a second male co-worker began to flirt with me, and we spent nearly a year exchanging messages and photos, even though nothing physical ever happened. Obviously, my husband knows nothing about either of these two incidents.
> And now I have reconnected with someone who I had an unfinished history with. I initiated contact because I thought it would be harmless (I assumed the person no longer had any kind of feelings for me). As it turned out, this person absolutely does still have feelings for me. We both feel like it's like we just picked right up where we left off nearly 20 years ago. My heart feels like it's going to burst. there are also other complications with Mr. Reconnect. he has been off and on talking to another girl for year before he and I reconnected, and it's a similar situation. She is in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive but she is addicted to it and won't leave. he gave her an ultimatum, but there are no guarantees that either one fo us will be with Mr. Reconnect after making our decisions. So it's not exactly a case of me leaving my husband for him, because that is not what would be happening. Yes, this connection has awakened things within me and caused me to really question what I am doing and why do I stay.
> I love my husband, but I do not feel in love with him. I feel like our relationship has grown stagnant. We have had discussions before about this specifically and of different things that aren't working for me, but yet things stay the same.
> I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be dishonest anymore. He deserves better than this.
> In a recent convo with Mr. Reconnect, he said to me that he didn't want me to leave my husband for him, because it would cause resentment. And he's totally right. If I do this, the decision has to be made for myself. And I know I've been unhappy, and a big part of me doesn't really want to try anymore. I just want the ride to stop and for me to get off. But I know it's not that simple. We have a house together, my mother lives with us, we have two cats and three dogs. If I do go through with this, I wouldn't even have any idea what to do or how to make it as smooth or quick as possible. I know it will be hard, it will be emotionally difficult, there will be tears. I know this. But I almost feel like this is something I am meant to face? Like this is a lesson I have to learn? I just feel lost and am looking for possibly some advice from others who have been here before?


You poor thing Tannos it is all about you!

I have never read such a piece of self serving, selfish diatribe, the poster book for the cheater. It's all about you, your needs, your sexual desires. Of course he is a good good man, too good for you. Imagine putting up with the **** you have knowingly and unknowingly put on his lap.

Please tell your poor BH about your cheating, come clean about the current scenario too. 
Perhaps you can redeem yourself with honesty for a change. 
Ask for a divorce immediately, he deserves it so he can move onto a good good woman who will be more than happy to stay faithful and be there for him (he deserves nothing less).
Then stay single for the love of God and do whatever it is you want to do. You are not marriage material at all. For once in your life do the right thing.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

tannos said:


> I've been wrestling with feelings of needing to start my life over, get to know who I really am as a person, etc.


Yeah. A do-over. I wan one too!


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