# My husband cheated on me and I'm ready to leave



## Keke93 (Mar 17, 2020)

Hi I'm new to this forum so please bare with me. I've been desperately needing to talk to someone anyone about my issues bc I don't have any friends or family to speak too. 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and I feel like I've been suffocating. 

Theirs no sexual attraction. I have to force myself to get in the mood to have sex with him. When we kiss I feel nothing. It's very hard to be intimate with him and when we are I cringe. I love him but I don't believe I am in love with him. 

I believe it all started when we first met. Ive got out of a horrible relationship before him. I've only been with one guy before my husband and that man was horrible. 

I don't ever insist that I am a perfect woman but I never cheated and I wasn't an excessive liar. I do believe to be a well-rounded person but I do have my flaws. 

When I met my husband he insisted for us to be together. He was very pushy but I let it be known that I was still getting over a break up and didn't want to use him as a crutch but I feel as though that's what happened. I was forced to live with him bc my mother kicked me out the house at 19 years old with no job and no money and he was the only person that was there when we started living together that's when things got worse. I became depended on him financially but after I started to get a job and more money I started to question if this relationship was something I wanted to continue. 

I was still hurt from my previous relationships and my husband who was my bf at the time suffered emotionally bc of my emotional trauma. I told him that I cannot be the woman for him bc my heart wasn't in the right place but he insisted on being with me. I started to believe maybe he is the guy for me he stayed with me through family issues and my traumatic experiences. 

One thing I began the notice over time was he was very flirty with other women and he had a lot of female friends who actually liked him. I caught him with messages in his phone of flirting with other girls. We were young at the time like 18 and 19. He was always seeking attention from other women. Use to catch him looking at other women's butts and it annoyed so much. Over time I began to get very angry with everything I was going through with him and his cheating and things started to turn physical with us. 

I won't lie I began to hit him Everytime we got into fights bc he never liked giving my my space he was always in my face when I needed a breather. We always physically taught each other. 

He was very financially irresponsible. Their was a time where I was working two jobs and was only getting four hours of sleep. He was headed off to basic training so he quict his job months before he left which I felt was unnecessary bc we were still living with his mother and five of his sibling which was really stressful. I paid for our new place when we finally left his mother's house. 

He finally went off to basic and he asked me to marry him and so I did bc I felt their was no other man pursuing me and I assumed he was the closest thing to a decent guy. Although he was very irresponsible with money and very flirty and never really listened to sound advice he spoiled with affection he was always going out of his way to make me happy. 

After we got married when he came back from basic we ended up losing our place bc he would insist everything was fine and I left it up to him to help pay the bills but he'd always spend up all of his money. We ended up at his parents house. 

He was getting deployed into the army and we went and I suffered from my second miscarriage when he came back from Iraq. 

I saved us up over 7 thousand dollars when he left for six months. I worked full time and we finally got a place to stay. He sent all of his military money to me which I suggested bc I was better at saving it. 

When he came back from Iraq he began to get complacent with our marriage and I noticed he started to drink really heavy. He would vomit every time he drank and it sounded as if he was dying it nearly scared me. 

He spent up all of the 7k that I saved up for us on bull crap he spent five hundred of our savings on arcade games. 

When I finally got pregnant with his son I found out through his emails that's hes been cheating on me since we've met. I went all the way back to the year we have met and he's been on several dating sites talking sexual to over thirty women. He was looking at loads of pornography. And he even confessed that he's been on dates and went to a girl's house to make out with her. He told me he never had sex with anyone but I don't believe it. He's confess to partially cheating but never told me the entire truth. I had to find out on my own. 

He was always lying to me about important things he never held himself accountable for not taking care of his responsibilities in everyday life. He never listened to me. It took him forever to get his license even when I strongly suggested for him to take care of his responsibilities he always disregarded it until something bad happens and even still he would not take care of it. 

I'm 26 now and our son is one going on two and we moved away bc I threatened for divorce bc I couldn't take it anymore. He started to cry and beg for me to stay and that he'll change but after moving he surrounded himself by people with no goals and that were bad influences. He drank just about every night. Still throwing up his intestines. 

I see minimum change but I felt as though I never ever truly connected with him on an intimate level. Sex was always a complexity for us bc he wanted to have sex everyday but I didn't want it and when we did have sex I dreaded every moment of it. It made me cringe. 

At this point idk what to do it's hard to tell him my true feeling for him bc I know he's going to be so hurt but I can't take it anymore. It's like I never got the best of h I always got the short end of the stick. He always told me God told him he would marry me but I always question why would God put me with such a man who doesn't even love himself. 

I can see he wants to do better in life but it's like he is his own downfall. He is the reason for his problems. He never likes o acknowledge the damage he has cause to himself or mines. Somethings he do acknowledge but it's like he doesn't change them. 

If I can't motivate him to be better and or God than nothing will idk what to do


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It doesn't seem like there is anything here to salvage. You can lose feelings and attraction and get that back, but if it was never there to start with... chances are it never will be. 

You clearly don't want to be with him, never have, and he clearly doesn't want to make any changes to salvage the marriage. Most people will NOT change without being forced into it (just threatening divorce doesn't count). Even IF he stopped the cheating (and don't believe for a second that he hasn't had sex with other women - go get tested), was totally remorseful, stopped the drinking, was financially responsible, and whatever else, would you want to be with him? Is there ANYTHING that he can actually, and realistically, do that would make you desire him? 

It seems like it would be best for everyone, including your child, for you to split. And yes, it CAN be better for the children. They are watching you and pick up on far more than you realize. Is this the type of relationship/marriage you want your son to have in the future? He is learning from you, and your husband. 

I'm biased but my mind goes to this and I can't help but say it... You don't like to be intimate with your husband. You don't have feelings for him. You are repulsed by the idea of sex with him and hate having sex with him. Was it ever different with anyone else? Does that have anything to do with the trauma from the past?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This is just one giant wall of text.

I could only read as far as the part about you being 19 and pushed out of your home before I had to give up.

Please put PARAGRAPHS in your novel so more people can read it and give you the advice you seek. :smile2:


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Keke93 said:


> He always told me God told him he would marry me but I always question why would God put me with such a man who doesn't even love himself. I can see he wants to do better in life but it's like he is his own downfall. He is the reason for his problems.


To His statement that "God told him"... you should reply "....chapter, and verse ???...."

I love what Brother Stanley said, that 95 percent of everything God has said, or is ever going to say to man, is in the bible.... 

Don't be fooled by this. The chances that God told him who, specifically, to marry, are about the same as winning the state lottery jackpot. While it is true that God instructed Hosea to marry Gomer for a specific purpose of HIS, no conjecture can be devised which says that God "tells" everybody who to marry.

Your husband made a choice based upon his own desires of life, and the circumstance set which made you a candidate.

As long as your husband continues to blame God for his problems, he is carrying a major stumbling block around in his own mind.
That is terribly unfortunate, because God would instantaneously provide your husband wisdom, help, and even work in specific ways through His indwelling Holy Spirit, if your husband came to God with his problem, admitted it was his own, and that he does not, alone, have the power to overcome.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

bobert said:


> I'm biased but my mind goes to this and I can't help but say it... You don't like to be intimate with your husband. You don't have feelings for him. You are repulsed by the idea of sex with him and hate having sex with him.


I'm also biased in like fashion. But I believe the answer to this question is the complete answer to your dilemma. If you were never attracted to your husband, you are correct. You did, indeed, use him as a crutch....and, personally, I don't think there is going to be any way to recover and make your decision right. It is a marriage based upon a false pretense.

You are now financially able to survive on your own. If this is the unsavory, but correct, truth of your marriage, then you need to allow your husband an exit with equitable terms. You made a mistake..... you need to apologize for it, but let him go.... your husband's needs will NEVER be met in such a marriage. They are not being met now, and while this is not an excuse for his choices and behavior, the condition of your marriage is the likely impetus of it.

Don't get me wrong. He's doing these things on his own. You are not "causing" them, but please understand. What you said to him, that you are "not the woman for him" is absolutely, completely, 100% right.

He is, obviously, "not the man" for you, either, but we're not talking to him....he is far too immature to carry out a successful marriage. 



Keke93 said:


> I started to believe maybe he is the guy for me


I sure hope you no longer believe this. In fact, "the guy for you" belongs in some insipid Disney fairy-tale or on the Lifetime channel. This is not truth, it is not realistic, nor pragmatic. The "guy for you" is the one who has the attributes of a mature man, and the one to whom you're sexually attracted, and know you will trust him at the level of giving yourself to him freely.

This ain't him. I love what Dr. Phil says "...Mr. Right ? or Mr. Right Now ??...."


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"Sex was always a complexity for us bc he wanted to have sex everyday but I didn't want it and when we did have sex I dreaded every moment of it.".....Wow!
It's all I could read in that wall of text.
You need to file for D. 
You are playing a painful game. Why did you get married?
Fix yourself. It's all you really do. For your future.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I also couldn't read the whole block of text; please go back and edit and add paragraph breaks. But I did see that you got together at 19 out of necessity; that's way too young to be married in most instances. Your brain doesn't stop developing until around age 25 so what you think you want at 19 will be vastly different at 24, more so at 30. Cut your losses and move on.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

The only thing I would add is-do you want your son to end up treating women like your husband has treated you?

When I was 3,4,5...I remember how fun it was to play Barbies with my friends.
I also remember my dad saying he had to go out to my mom, my mom making him take me with him and him buying me Barbies so that I did not tell “mommy” where we went. He even used me to pick up women in the early 80s by saying he was widowed. 

Think of the long term implications please. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Well, it sounds like your husband is irresponsible and a cheater. There's no excuse for that. None.

At the same time, it doesn't sound like there's much of a marriage to destroy. You admit right out that you never felt sexual desire for him. That you were not in love with him. You married him because you were "kicked out of the house by your mother at 19" and had no money and "became financially dependent" on your husband. Also, you felt that "no one else wanted you", and that you were suffering from "emotional trauma" from previous relationshiops/experiences. And that you were physically abusive to him, and you admit that you would hit him because he "wouldn't give you your space when you needed a breather". And so on..

It looks like you basically used him, because you had no money and you needed someone and there was no alternative for you, even though you didn't love and desire him like a spouse should. And you were a physical abuser. And he was a cheat and financially irresponsible on his side of the equation.

We tend to cringe when we hear words like "user". But really, if you marry someone not because you love and desire them and value them, but rather because it's convenient for your situation at the time, then that's really just using someone, regardlesss of who they are.

So yes, I agree with a previous poster. It doesn't seem like there is anything to save here. There was never a marriage. Only a relationship of convenience between an emotionally traumatized and financially (at the time) desperate user/physical abuser and an irresponsible, unfaithful cheater.

I make no excuses for his cheating. It's all on him. Nothing "made" him cheat.
But there is no marriage. It never had the promise of love, devotion and selflessness necessary for a true marriage. Put an end to this charade.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This is just one giant wall of text.
> 
> I could only read as far as the part about you being 19 and pushed out of your home before I had to give up.
> 
> Please put PARAGRAPHS in your novel so more people can read it and give you the advice you seek. :smile2:


Be nice to the newbies.

Not all Earthlings are authors of note.
...........................................................................

Our skrools do not learn these youngin's how to right mutch.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Keke93 said:


> At this point idk what to do it's hard to tell him my true feeling for him bc I know he's going to be so hurt but I can't take it anymore.


I don't blame you for not being able to take it. What you are enduring here is pure misery. And, you have every good right to end this horrible marriage. Your husband has mistreated you egregiously. There is no possible way your husband was "following God" into the things he's doing with his life. Your husband does not know God.



Keke93 said:


> Somethings he do acknowledge but it's like he doesn't change them.


Yes. Exactly. This is how I know I can safely make the statement that he doesn't know God. We are unable to "destroy the works of the devil" -

(I John 3:8 KJV)

_He that committeth sin is of the devil, for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil._

However, no matter what, or where, his sinful life has taken him, I am here to assure you that God wants to know him, and wants to help him. God is grieved by his choices, but loves him, and sent His only Son to die for him.

The same is true for you. You have endured an abused past, and have made a very poor choice. You have a chance here, a chance to make your life a lot better. You must repent of your sin, tell your husband the truth, and ask him to forgive you for doing that. 

Then, ask God for His forgiveness (which, I can guarantee based upon the eternal truth of His only Son's words) and He will forgive you and lead you by His word into a new life. 



Keke93 said:


> I always question why would God put me with such a man


Please understand that God did not "do" this. You made choices based upon the emotional trauma of your past, and not upon the reliable promises God gives us in His word. Begin today..... accept God's new life. It's a gift. It's a gift God wants to give you.

I am not a prophet, apostle, "messenger", or any of those things. I'm just an old man who followed God into my own new life. That "new life" God gave me was a "clean slate" upon which I could write what I chose. And, the "miracle" of it all was that my choices were different, because my choices were made based on different criteria, and upon a different "viewpoint" which God provided to me.

You see, with God, we don't need human "crutches". God Himself has promised us His help to meet our needs. With God, we don't need other people. We can love them, enjoy fellowship with them, and under God's guidance and wisdom, choose one person with whom we will be married and united physically.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thanks for breaking up the post. So you're separated from a man who honestly hasn't done much except make the family a mess from selfish choices. The best thing you can do at this point is divorce and raise your son with the right influences so that when he's around his dad, he can see YOUR example and understand the right path so he doesn't turn out like his dad.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He cheated, broke his vows to you, and you are not in love with him anymore.

I see nothing here to save. 

I’m sorry you are going through this, but by making better choices in your future, you could have a much happier life ahead of you.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

I would say you are in for a miserable life staying and hoping he changes and doesn't cheat and stops drinking....etc. 
You will always be nervous, uptight, wondering if he is hiding something, you'll be monitoring him, trying to check up to make sure he is where he says he is, checking his phone, emails. You'll have no peace, no contentment. 
Once someone cheats, that pretty much severs the bond you two have. 
You can stay and be miserable and uptight or just leave and have peace.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

http://al-anon.org/


turnera said:


> The best thing you can do at this point is divorce and raise your son with the right influences


Before you file, consult an attorney. Know the custodial arrangement that you are going to live with. I'm 1000% glad I did, before I filed any action. The lawyer told me that the courts would, in all likelihood, award custody to the mother, unless I could prove the mother "unfit"..... well, if I were the judge, seeing "unfit" would have been no problem at all. But the lawyer explained that serial adultery was not a qualifier as "unfit", I would have to show something like drug or alcohol addiction, physical abuse of the children, etc. for "unfit" criteria in the custody matter. The adultery would be grounds enough for the divorce itself, but not for custody.

Your H may be so immature that he won't fight any custody battle. It's likely he just won't want to be bothered with the kid.



Keke93 said:


> he was the only person that was there


I hope that no other person is "there" for you for a couple of years while you sort out your past trauma and get on the "right road" with your own life and your son. Professional therapy would probably help some, it's expensive - if you can't afford it, let me suggest that you find an Al-Anon group. Although you didn't say your H was an alcoholic, his behaviors are pretty much like someone addicted to alcohol and drugs, they are all motivated in selfishness. You will find a lot of parallels and it will be an "easy read" to find your H in the partner descriptions of the others in that group.

A really great thing would be an Al-Anon group hosted by a local church. They will bring God into the discussions. And, you will get connections to people who have been found by God in the midst of predicaments such as yours, and have turned their lives toward Him.

Take a few minutes, and see if Al-Anon is right for you:

*Al-Anon*


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Put your big girl pants on and tell him your divorcing him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP - you have never sexually desired him. He is cheating on you. 

This marriage is not good for either of you, and not good for your child. Blame doesn't matter, I think a divorce will make both of you happier.


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