# Give me the strength I need!



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

This is a bit of a vent. I am having a very bad/hard day today. My WS has been on a "boys" trip since Monday. Leaving me to run the business and the house. The business contains the OW, yes she still works there. All 3 kids are sick, I am trying to work my full time job and I haven't been sleeping well. He has only sent me texts asking about the business and to help him figure out how to fix his car. And when I start to "rant" a bit to him about problems at home all he says is "Miss me yet". Not I am sorry I left you with this mess, not is there anything I can do to help, not thank you, not I miss you...nope just about him as usual. Plus he tells me to call the OW and sort out the issues he doesn't understand why he needs to be the middle person. I can tell you why you need to be the middle person idiot! And then it GETS WAY WORSE he asks me (and no I am not making this up) to order flowers for the OW cause he is on roaming and can't do it for her birthday and to thank her for helping out. He said it is from the staff but really, that is who he is think about right now. Needless to say I broke a few rules of the 180 (like 17 & 20 ). Then I told him not to text or call me until he returns in 10 days. Give me strength to not return his text messages or break down and text him!!!!


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

My only advice to all of his requests:- 

Unequivocally: "No", "No", "No"...That's all. Practice makes perfect.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Dead flowers? Poison Ivy?
Maybe display them in a pile of poop?
Just a suggestion.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> This is a bit of a vent. I am having a very bad/hard day today. My WS has been on a "boys" trip since Monday. Leaving me to run the business and the house. The business contains the OW, yes she still works there. All 3 kids are sick, I am trying to work my full time job and I haven't been sleeping well. He has only sent me texts asking about the business and to help him figure out how to fix his car. And when I start to "rant" a bit to him about problems at home all he says is "Miss me yet". Not I am sorry I left you with this mess, not is there anything I can do to help, not thank you, not I miss you...nope just about him as usual. Plus he tells me to call the OW and sort out the issues he doesn't understand why he needs to be the middle person. I can tell you why you need to be the middle person idiot! And then it GETS WAY WORSE he asks me (and no I am not making this up) to order flowers for the OW cause he is on roaming and can't do it for her birthday and to thank her for helping out. He said it is from the staff but really, that is who he is think about right now. Needless to say I broke a few rules of the 180 (like 17 & 20 ). Then I told him not to text or call me until he returns in 10 days. Give me strength to not return his text messages or break down and text him!!!!


send him the invoice from the flower order with a set of divorce papers. Maybe he'll wake up then


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_ Plus he tells me to call the OW and sort out the issues _

Why can't he do it himself?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

lovelyblue said:


> _ Plus he tells me to call the OW and sort out the issues _
> 
> Why can't he do it himself?


I flat out asked him to and his text back was I should call her to figure it out


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> I flat out asked him to and his text back was I should call her to figure it out



He is pushing it in your face or is so disconnected that he cares not for your feelings. Why are you still with this guy ????


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

jelly_bean said:


> I flat out asked him to and his text back was I should call her to figure it out


Yuck. Rant away.
I'd want to say "because she was your skank, you talk to her"
but I know that wouldn't help your situation.
You could be diplomatic and say something along the lines of "With the history between the two of you, I am opting to avoid direct communication with her."

Is the rest of the R going along these lines? Is he showing any remorse or empathy towards you?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Remind me again WHY this trip to Vegas was even an option, after his infidelity?

Quite frankly, I suspect a number of the issues you're having are because you haven't established and enforced boundaries. And they'll continue to come up until you decide to stand up for yourself and your kids. So my advice is to go full steam ahead on getting that business ready to sell, so you can cut ties.

C


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

You remind me of me...Workaholic...Let me reiterate: He sent me to go work, take care of the kids, the household and the bills, by myself (Oh! I was supposed to play police detective for the phone bills on the kitchen countertop) ...I was over-exhausted while he was playing dolly-house ...Wake up! Time to re-delegate! Give her $8 and tell her to go buy herself birthday flowers...Let her sign a receipt and write-it off for taxes....Jeez...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jelly_bean said:


> And then it GETS WAY WORSE he asks me (and no I am not making this up) to order flowers for the OW cause he is on roaming and can't do it for her birthday and to thank her for helping out.


 Please tell me that you will not be ordering flowers for the other woman's birthday no matter what.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I would've asked him if the words 'fvck you' mean anything and hung up. 

This guy has some serious nerve.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

A REAL threat of divorce makes people think one of two ways, "OMG what did/can I do" or "FREEDOM." Either way, you'll no longer be in limbo because waiting it out is only tiresome and terrible.

Edit: Let me add I said "real" for a reason. I know there are varying degrees of answers, but when it is absolutely serious there tends to be two reactions.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

ETA: removed post when I went back to your thread and caught up on your story!

Just "wow" @ him having the gall to ask you to buy her flowers.

You should ask him "if she liked the flowers, see if he accidentally admits contacting her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here! Here is something just for *you*!

:allhail::flowerkitty:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you can block his texts and calls you know. 

it would be so difficult not to just fire her and change the locks on your front door and tell him that all of his belongings are in trash bags sitting by the garage. 

I really hate your soon to be ex husband. you don't have to bear that one alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If you are worried about the financial aspect concerning the woman, which I completely understand, go talk to a small business lawyer. Before you make any decision, see what one has to say about firing her and protecting the business.

After that, you can make a real call with real facts. No offense to anyone giving you advice, but most are guessing about how safe or harmful firing her would be.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

He needs to get his A$$ home. Now.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why? The only thing I would do if he got his ass anywhere near my home is kick it out.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> I flat out asked him to and his text back was I should call her to figure it out


So he can't take 5 mins out of his trip to do business?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

her mistake is engaging him it all .

it's ridiculous .

he is no businessman. Is no husband. He's a loser cheater user loser loser loser. 

but who's really the dumb one here. Sorry no offense 0p but you're sitting here asking him for help? 

seriously?

Let's go back to about 2 weeks ago when you were sounding very sane. Let's go back to exactly where you were and let's talk about where you're going. Let's get back and stop engaging him because he's making you loony .

you're not going to talk to him anymore right. You are going to make decisions need to be made you're going to cut him out of your life you are going to talk to lawyers you were going to settle this you're going to fire her ass. stop asking him to save you from a problem that he created. He's not going to do it. 

and for you to be gobsmacked is surprising .


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

In light of what has been said on your other thread it's actually kind of a blessing this has happened (in a sick way) because it should reinforce your determination to leave him.

Now use this confirmation of your previous assessment of his suitability as a husband and see it through. It's beyond obvious this guy does not deserve you. Good luck.

btw, did you go see your lawyer yet?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> In light of what has been said on your other thread it's actually kind of a blessing this has happened (in a sick way) because it should reinforce your determination to leave him.
> 
> Now use this confirmation of your previous assessment of his suitability as a husband and see it through. It's beyond obvious this guy does not deserve you. Good luck.
> 
> btw, did you go see your lawyer yet?


Lawyer Tuesday. I am going to ask my lawyer but maybe you guys have some advice in this area. Is an EA considered adultery for the sake of divorce? I would hate to have to wait for the living apart for a year to get some things wrapped up. 

I am looking for a place to live now. Thought I could tough it out until we sold the business but now I am not feeling that will work. Especially when she is still texting him at 2am telling him how she wishes he wasn't so far away cause she misses him and needs to see him. 

I have been researching this disorder Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. My WS is exactly this person. It lays out my whole relationship with him. I am going to talk to our therapist next week if she agrees.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You would need physical infidelity in most places where there are fault divorces. I still think they cheated physically. I think his definition might be that if it wasn't PIV it wasn't cheating. She probably went down on him.

Getting a far away diagnosis of him doesn't gain you much. Lots of normal people exhibit those behaviors one they start cheating. If he has always been like this then you are the one whose mental health should be focused on because you allowed it. Don't waste your time.

You know, that seems very common, go to the therapist to diagnose the spouse when they cheat. They have been the same ******* the entire marriage and now you want them diagnosed? A therapist can't even do that ethically!

Tell him he is not welcome home. Some guys are willing to leave.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You know that if you busted her to her husband, she'd stop with the flirty texts...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I don't know how you aren't firing her and having him served right now? I know you explained but you're going to be in an institution long before you can extricate yourself from this mess. There is no way you can live with this current situation for 6 months or more.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, Fire her butt, tell your hubby , "Sure honey, Ill take care of it"... 
WTF does he think you are???? He's an AZZZZZZZZ 

Download Jeff Landers, D for women .... 

~sammy


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> You know, that seems very common, go to the therapist to diagnose the spouse when they cheat. They have been the same ******* the entire marriage and now you want them diagnosed? A therapist can't even do that ethically!


It is not for court use it is so I can better understand how his brain works. To handle situations better and learn what I need to do to ensure I know how to handle a parenting plan and mitigate risk to the children. I was divorced before in the most civil co-parenting plan you have ever seen. Not this time.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> It is not for court use it is so I can better understand how his brain works. To handle situations better and learn what I need to do to ensure I know how to handle a parenting plan and mitigate risk to the children. .


Whether you understand him or not, the proper path to deal with him is the same ... cut him out of your life as much as possible.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You already know him better than anyone.

Trust yourself.

Why is out these guys find women who would otherwise be strong and yet manage to make them trust other people now than themselves??!!


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> You already know him better than anyone.
> 
> Trust yourself.
> 
> Why is out these guys find women who would otherwise be strong and yet manage to make them trust other people now than themselves??!!


That is exactly what I was thinking so I decided to hunker down and figure it out. So looks like it is very common for people with narcissist tendency to have relationships with people with issues with codependence. Much as I said the NSD description matches him to a T so the codependence issues match me to a T. Also says MC will very rarely work to fix these issues and instead we should both work separately on our issues because regardless they need to be addressed for all our relationships.

Human mind is an interesting thing!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> Human mind is an interesting thing!


Ya , look at mine!


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

the guy said:


> Ya , look at mine!


Is that safe LOL


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Hey, you are in pretty good shape.

You see it. You aren't blind to the situation.

Hard part is reminding yourself when you are falling back into co-dependence but I think you are pretty strong by nature. You will handle this.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dysfunctional people are attracted to each other like magnets


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Well I broke down and responded to his text messages today. And I started so calm and reserved. Then it went south....I hate losing it. But when he blamed me for intentionally trying to sabotage his holiday I lost it. He shouldn't even be on that holiday. I told him before he left that I am in a very insecure place right now and that unless he thought he could keep my insecurities up while he was away this would happen. On top of that he leaves me dealing with that b**ch OW. He should have had the courtesy to not have me have to deal with her at all. I need to calm down before I do something stupid!!!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You aren't taking responsibility for yourself.

You could tell her husband but you want something from her. You could fire her but you don't want to so... he may have put you here but you have decided it is worth having her around.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> You aren't taking responsibility for yourself.
> 
> You could tell her husband but you want something from her. You could fire her but you don't want to so... he may have put you here but you have decided it is worth having her around.


I think I just have come to the conclusion she I not who I have the problem with he is. Sure I project my anger at him to her and have feeling of jealousy but the hard truth I need to understand is there is a line of women behind her at the daycare that he will use to fulfill his narcissistic supply. 

I just need to stay calm and stick to my plan and quit making excuses! I need to be responsible for my own happy path! And if he doesn't want to come along down that path with me then so be it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Can your mother take over the day care?
It's her money at risk.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you know what it is that she does at your company. Temporary agency or a headhunter that specializes in the area. I bet inside the week you can find 10 excellent candidates.

And as I said before you must have her document all processes. That's just good business.

Have her document and train. She will probably quit before you would like but there are business managers who will know what to do without her.

You are hardly special in terms of your business requirements.

If indeed you are going to take responsibility then act.

That you mentioned him coming along at all gives me doubts.

He should be toast in your,mind.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Can your mother take over the day care?
> It's her money at risk.


My mother lives hundreds of miles away and as way to old.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> you know what it is that she does at your company. Temporary agency or a headhunter that specializes in the area. I bet inside the week you can find 10 excellent candidates.
> 
> And as I said before you must have her document all processes. That's just good business.
> 
> ...


I swear I am getting to the toast place but it is still only been a few months and even that take work. If he wants to put time and effort on fixing himself with professional help of course I would give him a chance. But I just don't see that happening which is what hurts the most.

We have processes documented up the ying yang. In fact it her job to write and enforce them. She does, she really is a model employee. The only person who broke the rules is my husband. I would fire him but he would love that...sit on his ass all day..again.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> I swear I am getting to the toast place but it is still only been a few months and even that take work. If he wants to put time and effort on fixing himself with professional help of course I would give him a chance. But I just don't see that happening which is what hurts the most.
> 
> We have processes documented up the ying yang. In fact it her job to write and enforce them. She does, she really is a model employee. The only person who broke the rules is my husband. I would fire him but he would love that...sit on his ass all day..again.


Since he does next to nothing at this daycare, why can't you hire someone at a low rate of pay to replace him? Then get the business listed for sale ASAP.

Then cut him off financially! Separate your finances. Who is paying for his 2 week holiday? Where is he getting all his money to go on vacation and not be working?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Abc123wife said:


> Since he does next to nothing at this daycare, why can't you hire someone at a low rate of pay to replace him? Then get the business listed for sale ASAP.
> 
> Then cut him off financially! Separate your finances. Who is paying for his 2 week holiday? Where is he getting all his money to go on vacation and not be working?


He funded his vacation himself. Which is fine.

As for getting her out, again I know a few ways it can be done but if he won't step up then what is the point? really this is his issue to WANT to fix. He doesn't. It is not like he couldn't if he wanted to he DOES NOT. He is lazy and has no ability to empathize. If I force it then in his mind my bad behavior justifies more bad behavior on his part. It is an mental illness and I am not a trained professional that can fix it. Much like any illness he needs to want to get better and he just is not there right now. Where as I am there. So separate ways we will go.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Too bad you can't sell the business to her. Kill two birds with one stone.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Did he inherit money to pay for Vegas? Sell his own property? 

So you have SOPs.

What's the REAL reason you don't want to fire her?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Did he inherit money to pay for Vegas? Sell his own property?
> 
> So you have SOPs.
> 
> What's the REAL reason you don't want to fire her?


He does still work at the daycare. He saved his money. 

Here is the list of why I don't fire her:

1. Hurts by business resell value. Both of us want to sell much easier with an established manager.
2. Have no cause. In my neck of the woods that equal law suit
3. She does a good job.
4. My husband will most likely just move on to another woman there. Rather the evil I know than I don't
5. She is 50% owner in a second business with my husband. Can't fire an owner so she will still be in our lives anyways
6. if my husband does self-explode when I leave it is obvious she can run the place without him as she has proven during his vacation
7. Husband is guilt of sexual harassment. That law suit could end up with her owning my house and business. Imagine how pissed I would be then.
8. Staff will leave if she leaves. She is well liked and staff is fickle. It is very hard to find staff in my city.
9. Qualified or not a new staff always need training. I haven't worked in the centre for well over a year and I know my husband would be so mad for firing her he will be useless
10. Lastly, I am leaving anyways so what do I care. I don't need that for revenge. revenge will be me leaving and finding a better man. Not that that will be hard LOL

Okay so we have that covered. She isn't going anywhere I am which suits me just fine. Just have to find a new place to live. Not having much luck there.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Since you choose to keep her on, stop whining about it.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> 7. Husband is guilt of sexual harassment. That law suit could end up with her owning my house and business. Imagine how pissed I would be then.


Fire your H, for sexual harassment. This sets precedence and sends a message to the staff about the seriousness of such things and the level that it will be tolerated.

Talk to a lawyer about this to make it all nice and legal. He could still be owner, but you could have it drawn up where he is banned from contact with the business, due to job loss and only have dealings when it comes to board meetings and such, and they are to not be held on premises.

One thing to think about is that the staff probably already knows something of the affairs and fraternizations taking place and that fact alone could make it even harder to sell the business. No matter how attractive and shiny it looks on the surface, when scratched the [email protected] below the surface comes out. If they find out about these "interactions" and view them as approved (as the employees could say, yea it has been going on for a long time and everyone is aware, even the owners) NO one will want to purchase the business. Either that or they will have a legal and airtight defense about the pre-existing conditions not being their responsibility (think about buying a production business that has been polluting the environment for ages and not wanting to accept responsibility for that prior pollution). They may also question what else is being allowed and hidden and dig deeper or just walk away. If the word gets out it could hurt the business as well, as I know I would have a hard time leaving my kids at a facility that demonstrates and condones such low moral activities and flaunts it in front of my kids.

Either way I would talk to a lawyer about your options and make sure that not ending it now is in your bets interest (I know you feel it may sell the business faster, but it may just do the opposite and prolong the sale and make it harder). Sometimes a business that is going through restructuring (if the reasons can be shown to increase profitability, stability, longevity, etc on an already blossoming business) can be beneficial.

You really need to look at the big picture as you are not just selling a business turning out a Widget, like Apple or IBM, you are selling a business that deals in the care of individuals and public awareness and well being, so what you may see as not related to day to day activities and may affect the sale, could actually affect the bottom dollar (if the word got out and people pulled their children out) thus hurting the resale even worse.

ETA: IF the staff knows about it (and she, especially, know that you are aware of the situation) so by not taking action you in actuality are condoning it and making yourself open and responsible to ANY lawsuit that arises from this (keep in mind that Sexual Harassment doesn't just involve the parties that did the acts, but can be filed by anyone that was "offended" by the action, so think about a smitten employee that was rebuffed or offended by your H's actions and seeking revenge and retribution, on you, him, and the business). This would hurt the resale value as well.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She doesn't really want to fire anyone. She wants to get her money out. Doesn't seem this couple has any sense of responsibility to the business as a whole or the people they serve. It is just a business. A means to an end.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> She doesn't really want to fire anyone. She wants to get her money out. Doesn't seem this couple has any sense of responsibility to the business as a whole or the people they serve. It is just a business. A means to an end.


Understood, but the longer no action is taken after it was discovered, then this just reinforces the notion that it is considered acceptable practices within this business environment (and sets the stage for more to follow). It sets precedence for other employees to act in certain ways without retribution. This hurts the business environment and resale value/ attraction to other potential buyers.

The couple needs to know that they are not just owners sitting back counting the profits (with little interaction with the company), but also employees setting the tone, attitude, and expected work demeanor through their actions and lack of actions.

She needs to talk to a lawyer, as her responsibility to the business doesn't end with the sale. If the new buyer can prove the improprieties being overlooked solely to increase the salability of the business, liability for fraud could be pursued (for either damages or contract nullification, which could make the business virtually unsaleable in the future). I would think that covering up something like Sexual harassment to help sell the business would fall under that category (but then what do I know as I am not a lawyer) and statutes could allow for personal lawsuits later on (say the business sells, manager loses job for actions and then sires for allowing the harassment in the past and not allowing anything to happen).


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't get the sense that there is a whole lot of personal responsibility between the two of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I don't get the sense that there is a whole lot of personal responsibility between the two of them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This statement is rude, unhelpful and based on your personal need for the demise of everybody who has wrong anybody.

You need to work on your own issues of anger, resentment, and need for revenge and quit picking on people that have the ability to forgive and move on. All the anger you hold as I can see in your posts are not helpful for anybody that you know.

We have run this business for over 4 years, providing excellent care and receiving awards. We have provided jobs through an recession to women that really need it. We have provided free childcare to families hit by the recession and illness. So don't say we have no personal responsibilities. But this business does not make the money we were hoping and therefore I have had to return to full time work and still try to keep this business running. It has a huge debt load that is a monkey on back. When we sell we will not be walking away with bags of gold we will be walking away with nothing but the debt will be gone.

This business seemed like a great idea when we started, like any new adventure, but we failed financially. And now is the time for person with more capital behind them to move this business to the next level. I am not the first nor will I be the last person who is selling a business that they have put everything in to due to finances.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> She needs to talk to a lawyer, as her responsibility to the business doesn't end with the sale. If the new buyer can prove the improprieties being overlooked solely to increase the salability of the business, liability for fraud could be pursued (for either damages or contract nullification, which could make the business virtually unsaleable in the future). I would think that covering up something like Sexual harassment to help sell the business would fall under that category (but then what do I know as I am not a lawyer) and statutes could allow for personal lawsuits later on (say the business sells, manager loses job for actions and then sires for allowing the harassment in the past and not allowing anything to happen).


Thank you for this perspective I did not think of this. I was always thinking that if we sold the business the problem goes away but you are correct she could still come after by husband after selling. I will seek legal advice on exactly what needs to be disclosed.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Hi Jelly Bean

It sounds like you are moving forward with untangling this mess. I admire the way you are able to separate OW's role in the business vs the personal role in your life. I would have a hard time not ripping out her beating heart from her chest....or your H's for that matter.

Has your H returned from his Vegas trip? Is there any desire on your part to reconcile with him or is this M over?

Have you considered when or if you are going to disclose your plans to him?

How are you holding up emotionally?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> he asks me (and no I am not making this up) to order flowers for the OW cause he is on roaming and can't do it for her birthday and to thank her for helping out.


He has ZERO respect for you and can you honestly blame him?

You have ZERO respect for yourself so why should he? And this is a DIRECT result of your continued tolerance of his horrendous behavior towards you. He sees you as nothing but a weak DOORMAT. He may have loved you once but he absolutely does not now. I guareentee it. You're just a thing for him to use for his benefit and to dismiss when not needed. 

Why would he call you to tell you he misses you? He doesn't miss you anymore than he misses the mailman. You both serve a function to him. He drops off the mail and you are his lacky. He's an unempathetic sociopath of the worst kind and you still "love" him. Love is not a one way street. You might as well be in love with the carpet. At least it won't disrespect you and you get to walk all over it instead of the other way around.

Seriously, FIRE the OW, as in yesterday. DUMP this man and salvage any SHRED of dignity you have left. I'd rather file bankruptcy tomorrow then put up with one more second of this ABUSE. Why do you think so little of yourself? No amount of money is worth this...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> Thank you for this perspective I did not think of this. I was always thinking that if we sold the business the problem goes away but you are correct she could still come after by husband after selling. I will seek legal advice on exactly what needs to be disclosed.


Like I say I am not a lawyer, just seem to look at the darker side of things. Sexual harassment is a federal issue and therefor needs to be addressed whether policies are in place or not. By not writing up and disciplining the offenders, you could possibly become a party to the offenses and be held responsible (think about it as the manager that is told about such offenses and just covers them up. When corporate finds out that manager is now responsible as well). With you working there as well, you are an employee and therefor able to file a grievance as well. You need to discipline him and her, document the offense in their personnel records (to cover yourself and also to create a trend should it happen again) and then adjust the personnale handbook to address these issue, hold discussions so they know expectations, and make them sign the handbooks to prove they have "agreed" to the policies within. Now is the time to act, and better yet with him out of the picture on vacation to come back to a "new" situation.

Just because he is an owner, doesn't give him extra "privileges" as an employee or remove him the possibility of firing from his plate. You don't want to fire her as she is a "good" employee but say he is just going through the motions, so whether he is the rte or not the place will run the same. He won't sure you for violations, as his offenses are worse being a manager.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> 1. Hurts by business resell value. Both of us want to sell much easier with an established manager.


So what? What's your dignity worth $10k, $100k, do you value yourself so little? Take the 25%-33% hit and move on.



jelly_bean said:


> 2. Have no cause. In my neck of the woods that equal law suit.


She's an at will employee correct? You're selling the busniess and downsizing. There's your reason, good-bye. The burden of proof is on HER to prove otherwise. What's she going to say in court, "jelly fired me cause I was banging her man." Good luck with that.



jelly_bean said:


> 3. She does a good job.


Yeah, of sexing up your man.



jelly_bean said:


> 4. My husband will most likely just move on to another woman there. Rather the evil I know than I don't.


Who cares, you're supposed to be dumping him anyway. That's like saying, "I don't care if you spit in my face cause someone else will eventually anyway."



jelly_bean said:


> 5. She is 50% owner in a second business with my husband. Can't fire an owner so she will still be in our lives anyways.


Again who cares? They both won't be in your life after you dump him so that will fix itself.



jelly_bean said:


> 6. if my husband does self-explode when I leave it is obvious she can run the place without him as she has proven during his vacation.


Again you're putting a price on yourself respect. Let an employee not shacking up with your husband do it. Even if it's half as well.



jelly_bean said:


> 7. Husband is guilt of sexual harassment. That law suit could end up with her owning my house and business. Imagine how pissed I would be then.


It's not sexual harassment if both parties are consenting.



jelly_bean said:


> 8. Staff will leave if she leaves. She is well liked and staff is fickle. It is very hard to find staff in my city.


You can't find glorified babysitters in a city? Please... call a staffing service.



jelly_bean said:


> 9. Qualified or not a new staff always need training. I haven't worked in the centre for well over a year and I know my husband would be so mad for firing her he will be useless.


WHO CARES if he's mad.... What aren't you more mad at him whoring around? What is with you?



jelly_bean said:


> 10. Lastly, I am leaving anyways so what do I care. I don't need that for revenge. revenge will be me leaving and finding a better man. Not that that will be hard LOL.


You could spit on a sidewalk and find a better man. What you need to find is your self-respect. You husband is a piece of trash and you still give a damn what he thinks. You need to wake up from this delusion you're in. YOU MARRIAGE IS OVER. He does not CARE about you. STOP caring about him.


Oh and I PROMISE you, he's been banging multiple wh0res in Vegas whle he was gone. I just got back from there a few weeks ago and for someone with virtually no morals like your POS hubby, it's like being a kid in a candy store. Get him tested for STDs before you touch him.


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