# How often do you get turned down?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

For sex that is, and by sex I mean something you normally do and is an accepted practice in your marriage/relationship.

It seems like some people on here are rarely/never turned down, while others are starting to forget what sex is.

So I was wondering, on a percentage basis, how often do you get turned down for sex (vaginal, oral, anal, whatever the regular forms of sex are for you in your current relationship)when you ask or make it well know to your partner that you'd like to get some.

I'll start and I'd peg my 'success' rate at about 50%, give or take 10%.

EDIT: On the flipside, how often do you turn down your partner.

Myself, I have yet to turn down my fiancee (since we got into an actual relationship) and with my ex-wife, I'd say I turned her down maybe five times in 10 years. So percentage wise, likely <<<<1%


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Once you get to the point where you don't bother, you can hit 100%

that, or you can allways say "I never turn myself down"


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In my soon to be over marriage, it was less than 50%, then I cut way back on my initiated. I'd guess I was still under 50%, even though the frequency was reduced.

With my GF, I can't think of the last time I was turned down and she initiates as often as I do.

C


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Im the one doing the turning down. But when when things were good, I never got turned down...except for anal now and then and thats not something I would ever get upset about. 

A former girlfriend started to turn me down for oral and stated she felt I was getting spoiled. I told her how is it getting spolied by you giving ME a bj but its not you getting spolied when I go down? 

Didnt last, dont need games and stick and carrot/reward/sex mentality in my life.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Being turned down even once is too much!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

0% turn down rate.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Being turned down even once is too much!


Have to agree whole heartedly. For me that is already a reason for divorce. Unless there is a good reason there is no excuse for this. This breaks a marriage like no other. One of course looks elsewhere and in the end will end up 'broken'. So why wait. If both partners realise this, marriages would be a lot stronger.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

I learned long ago the proper time/place to ask to avoid the countless rejections.  As pathetic as it sounds, if she's sober, she will either say no or the sex will be so boring it isn't worth it.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I will get turned down for vaginal sex about 20% of the time but most of the time I will get a handjob instead. Last night she came home exhausted from a long day at work so I suggested that she just give me a handjob (we were both too tired the night before for Father's Day sex). Se is really good at it so I don't mind. I probably turn her down .01% of the time. I have to be REALLY tired for that to happen! If that happens, I will gladly give her oral if she wants.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

I'd say my overall turned-down rate would be 75-80 percent over the course of the entire relationship. Things have been better in the last 6 months or so, maybe around an even 50. The problem is that when she's not feeling like sex, there isn't any other alternative in her book. No HJ, BJ, TJ, or any other "n"J activity. When I attempt to try and suggest, via innuendo or being playful, that we could do other things, she always seems confused about what other things there are to do. 

She gave me a massage last night (I guess because I had a pretty crappy Father's Day) and I made the comment this morning that sometimes it was really nice to just be able lie back and enjoy her paying attention to me. I also said that works the same for "play time" as well. "Play time" is how we've always referred to having sex, and she didn't seem like she really understood what I meant.

The massage was super relaxing though, so I want to be sure I give praise for that!


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> When I attempt to try and suggest, via innuendo or being playful, that we could do other things, she always seems confused about what other things there are to do.


One important thing I learned from reading the No More Mr Nice Guy book - ASK for what you want! Be direct and tell her exactly what you're looking for rather than beat around the bush. Missed innuendos and misunderstood suggestions breed resentment very quickly.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

Joe,

Could not agree more! Then (if you are fortunate enough to figure it out) you find that you are the reason for the resentment, not the othe person. Because I did not clearly state my desire, she did not cleary receive it.

I just finished reading that same book myself, along with MMSL a few months ago, and I am trying to make positive changes in me which will hopefully allow for positive changes in us. Thanks for making me see something I should have seen to begin with.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JoeRockStar said:


> One important thing I learned from reading the No More Mr Nice Guy book - ASK for what you want! Be direct and tell her exactly what you're looking for rather than beat around the bush. Missed innuendos and misunderstood suggestions breed resentment very quickly.


Not only that, but if it's a topic she doesn't want to talk about, it can be easy for her to look confused and just not ask, hoping you'll drop the subject. Lets her off the hook as she didn't have to actually address the issue, and you get left hanging.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

80% close rate. Wish my sales close rate was that good but then again it might not be a good idea to show up in a client's office with a boner.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> Joe,
> 
> Could not agree more! Then (if you are fortunate enough to figure it out) you find that you are the reason for the resentment, not the othe person. Because I did not clearly state my desire, she did not cleary receive it.
> 
> I just finished reading that same book myself, along with MMSL a few months ago, and I am trying to make positive changes in me which will hopefully allow for positive changes in us. Thanks for making me see something I should have seen to begin with.


What is MMSL and are these books (and others) available online? I am serious 600KM from the nearest legit bookstore, so buying these things isn't an option and I'd rather avoid online shopping if I could.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Wish my sales close rate was that good but then again it might not be a good idea to show up in a client's office with a boner.


:lol: I guess that would depend on the client!


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> What is MMSL and are these books (and others) available online? I am serious 600KM from the nearest legit bookstore, so buying these things isn't an option and I'd rather avoid online shopping if I could.


Kingsfan, 

My apologies. I have gotten into the habit of abbreviating certain things after I get tired of typing them over and over. Same as most of everyone else' abbreviations, I'd wager. MMSL is the Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011, by Athol Kay. He also has a blog by the same name.

I have also heard great things about, but not yet read, The 5 Love Languages, and His Needs, Her Needs.

Unfortunately online is your best bet if you are so far away from a "brick and mortar" establishment.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

JoeRockStar said:


> I learned long ago the proper time/place to ask to avoid the countless rejections. As pathetic as it sounds, if she's sober, she will either say no or the sex will be so boring it isn't worth it.


I know what that's about. Don't even ask during the week anymore. We have an arrangement for Saturday nights. It's only once a week but at least I can count on it....and I agree with Joe, if she's sober its vanilla.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Almost never...goes for both of us. 

Neither of us would suggest sex when the other is sick and that's really the only reason we'd say "no".


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Almost never, once it actually gets to initiation stage. That goes both ways. But neither of us are likely to initiate if the other is tired or sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

in the past, quite a bit, 75%. now, never, cause i dont seek it


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

For some reason,being " turned down " for sex is an alien concept to me, as a man.
You do not ASK FOR SEX.
Its like chess,
Create the opening and MAKE THE PLAY.
Women live for seduction.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

We initiate based on how much intimacy is going on during the evening, or the other's mood. When asked by a marriage counselor, neither one of us could remember a situation where we were turned down. There were times where it became obvious that one of us was really tired, and we just let things stop, but only after connecting. This was an issue we settled long before I popped the question, so the whole idea of regularly turning down would just seem like the marriage is over. Sure, if one is sick or disabled, we'll deal with it, but not in the context of being turned down. It would be something that we discussed, and worked on new ways to communicate sexual needs. We struggled in our marriage the last couple of years, but would have never made it if the problems killed our sexual connection.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> What is MMSL and are these books (and others) available online? I am serious 600KM from the nearest legit bookstore, so buying these things isn't an option and I'd rather avoid online shopping if I could.


I don't know why you want to avoid online shopping I would highly suggest a Kindle. I have both books (and many others) on mine.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I can honestly say ny wife has never turned me down.She is ready to go whenever I want 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

in 25 years, MAYBE 5 times turned down... her initiating sex was MAYBE 3 times, those 3 times I did not turn down. maybe 5 times I never initiated due to tired or sick times. sex was 1 to 2 times a week, then went years of nothing due to my own feelings of "not desired". last summer we had a LONG chat and now we have sex 3 to 4 times a week, and she initiates once a week... funny things is she seems to be enjoying sex more.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> Kingsfan,
> 
> My apologies. I have gotten into the habit of abbreviating certain things after I get tired of typing them over and over. Same as most of everyone else' abbreviations, I'd wager. MMSL is the Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011, by Athol Kay. He also has a blog by the same name.
> 
> ...


I have read His Needs, Her Needs. Great read, and deals with almost every subject in a mariage, though sex is a heavy topic of the book. Tried to get my fiancee to read it, but she's never done so. Wish she would. I've tried to practice some of it's teaching and found it helped me in my approach to my relationship, sexually and otherwise. Good view into the needs of a woman (and vice versa).


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> I don't know why you want to avoid online shopping I would highly suggest a Kindle. I have both books (and many others) on mine.


I just don't like using my credit card for online purcahses and don't have a paypal account or things like that. It's my own phobia more than anything for personal security coupled with little experience in dealing with purchases online. My own hangup I know.

A Kindle is something I nearly got the fiancee at Christmas and may do so this year, if I do then maybe that would be an option.


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> then went years of nothing due to my own feelings of "not desired". last summer we had a LONG chat and now we have sex 3 to 4 times a week, and she initiates once a week... funny things is she seems to be enjoying sex more.


^^^this

Having my own feelings of "not desired", how did you initiate the conversation into this particular topic? It's a scary proposition for me because of what will come out of her mouth is probably not something I'll feel good about. Overcoming/improving faults and making things exciting again is what I want.

I want to have a LONG chat as well!


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> For some reason,being " turned down " for sex is an alien concept to me, as a man.
> You do not ASK FOR SEX.
> Its like chess,
> Create the opening and MAKE THE PLAY.
> Women live for seduction.


It hurts more when you get rejected after trying all that.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I turn my husband down probably 5-7% of the time. 
He makes many more advances than me, so the next figure doesn't seem fair, but I get turned down by him maybe 30% of the time when I ask.

Most of the time, though, we make a clear "agreement" about having sex: "Let's have sex!"  and go about it. (Btw, lately my husband has complained that he doesn't like this, eventhough for me it makes things SO much clearer. I can see that it can get dull though, so I've been trying to make an effort to just jump him sometimes, when I can sense that he could be willing.)

The second most common thing, above anyone getting told no, is for one of us to suggest, the other one to agree, but then both of us being too lazy/tired/stressed/preoccupied to go through with it. So no one is really being turned down, we're both just being lazy dummies LOL.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Not outright rejections, but soft statements that she won't be up for it that day, but then offers a raincheck. 

She can tell when I start the dance to lead up for sex. If she knows she does not want it, she lets me know pretty qucikly where she is at. The we continue dancing with the next day in mind.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Yeah, getting told 'no' is not nearly as bad if you 99% know it'll be coming the next day. It royally sucks to be in the mood, convey that to your partner, get informed there will be nothing that day, then be left waiting for several more days (or more) after.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

And it's important that the raincheck is then followed up on. I get lots of rainchecks with no follow-up...sigh.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> And it's important that the raincheck is then followed up on. I get lots of rainchecks with no follow-up...sigh.


I used to as well in my current relationship. It was a failed raincheck that actually led to a 'revolution' in our sex life because it became the straw that broke the camels back for me.

We were having sex once every 2-3 weeks and I was getting a lot of rainchecks and whatnot. She was also telling me it seemed like I was asking a lot, only wanted sex, etc. So I didn't ask at all, make any insinuations, mention sex, anything for two weeks. Just pretended the word and the act didn't even exist. 

Then I asked if she wanted to "go for a coffee." We weren't living together then, so it was our code phrase to head back to my place (she was living with her mother for about two years at the time due to losing her home after her own divorce). She said no because she had something to do that night but told me to ask again the next night. She was smiling and seemed very much interested in a repeat request the following night, so fine, I'm cool with that.

So the next night comes around and I ask again as she's heading into the kitchen. She stops, and her shoulders just slump down in that manner that says 'I'm exhausted,' then she turns around with that look on her face that I can tell she's annoyed. So I ask what's the matter and she tells me "You ask all the time," as if I had been begging for it day in, day out for who knows how long.

I just stood there flabbergasted. It was one of the few times in my life where I literally thought "did you seriously just say that to me with a straight face?" I didn't know what to do, so I just grabbed my shoes and jacket, mustered a feable, 'Ok, sorry to bother you,' and start heading for the door. I had it in my head that this was over. Sex is huge for me in a relationship and I had literally run out of ideas to try to get our sexlife going again (I had tried everything from talking to her to staying away, to looking up research for her on the issue of LD for women, including for the medication she was taking, I even looked into seeing if there was something to take for me to lower my sex drive).

For some reason she stopped me, and we ended up having a very lengthy talk and from there it's been a slow road back sexually. She acknowledged that it was an important part of a relationship and I told her I'm not staying if our sex life is going to be like this. I wanted more and deserved more, not just in quantity, but also in quality, which I have since come to label as 'enthusiasm' thanks to another poster on here (Aristotle, I think). We've worked together on it and while our sex life isn't perfect for me, it is much, much better and hopefully will continue to improve. But it started with me calling her on her raincheck BS.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Yeah, getting told 'no' is not nearly as bad if you 99% know it'll be coming the next day. It royally sucks to be in the mood, convey that to your partner, get informed there will be nothing that day, then be left waiting for several more days (or more) after.


I agree. The turning point for my wife and I was when I had been "rainchecked" for about four straight days. When of the delays was legititmate, but the others were jsut delaying. After I turned down my attention, and she raised the issue, I just laid the facts out for her. I made it clear that I no longer believed her raincheck offers. 

I was fortunate that she really looked at her own behavior and changed it. My change was to give her the space to really choose. There are time when I still lightly pursue her when she indicates she is not interested, but those are always tongue-and-cheek, with my playing the horny old man. She laughs and slaps me on the shoulder abou it. I consider it laying the ground work for the next day.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

I used to get turned down about 80-90% of the time. I also got a lot of rainchecks with no follow-ups too.

Now I don't initiate anymore. I used to have a very high sex drive but now not so much. I've built up a lot of resentment towards my W because of her rejections. 
For me is not all about sex but is about feeling "wanted", and despite all the talk and BS, I have seen no changes. 

I wonder why she is ok with sex once every 2-3-4 weeks now that we're married, when before marriage was 2-3-4 times a week.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I occasionally (like last night) will say that I'm too tired, but he knows he'll get it in the morning.

Otherwise, I cannot even imagine being in your shoes. I'm sorry.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I have probably a 3% turn down rate and that`s mostly my fault anyway.

I really never get turned down.
However I never "ask" my wife for sex unless I`m being playful/joking

I don`t get turned down because I know when not to hit on her.
I also know foreplay starts sometime in the early afternoon at the latest if I`ll be having her that night.

The only time I ever get turned down is when I`m pushing her limits.
Like when she`s in the laundry room and I sneak in behind her shut the door and tell her to bend over the laundry table.

I`ll get a "Not now the kids will walk in!" with a mischievous smile on her face.
However she often just bends over the table.

Or when I pull into a parking lot, park the car start making out and tell her I want oral.
I`ll get a "It`ll be better if you just hurry home" or a raincheck for that night.
Then again sometimes she`ll just reach between her legs, push the seat back and reach for the buttons on my jeans.

It`s really in how I approach it I think.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

LOL, Tacoma! I keep telling the H that I want a panel van.

No, really! How often do you have to kill time in a parking lot?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> LOL, Tacoma! I keep telling the H that I want a panel van.
> 
> No, really! How often do you have to kill time in a parking lot?


I`ve only done that a few times and I`m not really serious.
I`m just trying to make her laugh which it usually does but twice...she did it.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

And he hasn't made this panel van happen yet!?!

100% (notices hes in the wrong forum) oops.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

LOL Matt1720! He has twin sons that he pays car insurance on...

But yes, I want a panel van. C'mon, used? $2500 tops


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

For the last 2 1/2 years I have never been turned down for sex because I have not asked for it. The last 3 times I asked for sex, I was ignored '/ got no response at all so I no longer ask.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Studley. You do what you think best, but that's no way to live


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm amazed at the wide variance in this thread. I knew there were some differences but it seems like my case (50%) is more rare. Many in this thread are either rarely turned down (20% or less of the time) or very often told no (75% of the time or more). It appears to be an issue in which many are on one polar opposite or the other. Interesting.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

I get turned down most of the time. I don't like to keep track and I have been going for it less often. I think, a lot of times she doesn't even realize she is sending a sex negative vibe and I just shut down. If she is in the mood, it happens. She does tell me that I am not being aggressive enough or alternatively. being loving enough. If I push more than a little bit, I will get a smile out of her sometimes but that is all. We are down to having it once or twice on her "hot" time of the month. I know that it is my fault, but I don't have what it takes to change it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> For some reason,being " turned down " for sex is an alien concept to me, as a man.
> You do not ASK FOR SEX.
> Its like chess,
> Create the opening and MAKE THE PLAY.
> Women live for seduction.


:iagree:

Men like this don`t get turned down.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree with Caribbean Man but I am not that kind of man. It is totally foreign to me.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

MYM1430 said:


> I agree with Caribbean Man but I am not that kind of man. It is totally foreign to me.


Double agree. I am a "work in progress". But it's not so much like learning a new language, as it is using a different dialect of the same language. It's about communicating the right way with a sniper rifle and not about the shotgun blast approach.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> For some reason,being " turned down " for sex is an alien concept to me, as a man.
> You do not ASK FOR SEX.
> Its like chess,
> Create the opening and MAKE THE PLAY.
> Women live for seduction.





tacoma said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Men like this don`t get turned down.


I would say that's in all probability because a man like that doesn't find himself with a woman who _doesn't _live for seduction.

Two things: "Women live for seduction". Like saying "men live for football", it applies to some of the people some of the time. Read here - plenty of women who aren't the remotest bit interested in seduction, never mind "living for it".

Second, if you're playing chess and she's playing liar's dice, it ain't going to work. It doesn't matter what game you play, provided you both play the same one. I'm very lucky that Mrs Beane and I both play the same one (albeit it ain't exactly as intellectual as chess!). My brother and his ex-wife, well, they never played the same game, at all...


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I'm one of those guys that didn't need to read Athol Kay's stuff so the answer is "never" in my house. What's interesting about that is I am more "sexually damaged" than "sexually dominant". But apparently, being "alpha" in the broader sense is more than enough to overcome that problem since still the answer is "never".

At least for me, the entire trick is simply "being worthy in Carol's eyes." As long as I have that nailed then she'll do whatever is required to please me in accordance with her assessment of worthiness. There's no free lunch round these parts. The wedding ring entitles me to exactly nothing.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

I got to nearly 100% turn down rate...went 6 months without any physical contact, and then I had an affair. Things picked back up to their normal rate of about once a month, then DDay hit...but to answer the thread question, I have been turned down now so much that I never initiate. It is nights like this, and threads like this that make me question my R efforts, even though I am the wayward spouse. I know we can have a good sex life, but I don't know if it will ever return....not sure what to do. I think I am at a crossroads. (sorry to hijack the thread, but I am in a 'venting' mood this evening due to situations around the house).


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

You didn't hijack Barnowl, thanks for sharing.

In my marriage, our love life decreased to once every 3-6 weeks, and about 95% of the time was spent either getting her into the mood or pleasuring her. There was zero pleasure just for myself and what plasure I got lasted maybe a minute. 

It's not easy being in the mood for a month at a time or more and constantly getting turned down, it makes sex no fun. You are so excited to finally get it, you blow your load to quickly, and the whole time you are trying to hard to please her under the stupid mentality that maybe, just maybe, if you are really awesome in bed this time she will want it more regularly in the future. You can't even enjoy yourself because you are to busy thinking about her all the time.

I eventually left and tomorrow is a Dday of my own, the finalization of my divorce (four years, seven months and five days later ). I am now engaged to a new woman and we have a better sex life, though as I stated before, it's far from perfect. I'm not advocating for you to get a divorce BarnOwl, but I hope that whatever path you take, you are true to yourself and you end up happy on all accounts, including inside and outside of the bedroom.


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

The answer for me is never. I don't really "ask" though, I just start the fun and games. Can't really tell you why this works, other than I married well, but I've always looked at it like I run the show, and the show must go on! In my experience, women react well to a man who takes charge. If you are asking and waiting for a yes or no answer, then you're going about it the wrong way brother
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

My wife was always turning me down so I stopped asking. I am very resentful of her lack of sexual interest in me. I take it very personal, I am a good husband and father, stay in shape and have women hit on me from time to time but after 20 years I am really starting to have some deep feelings of resentment that I try to put aside but it gets harder and harder over time. One thing my wife does not understand is I can forgive or forget a lot of her other crap like bleeding the bank account dry if we have some good sex but the lack of sex just compounds the other problems. 
On the flip side if I wait for my wife to be the one who initiates sex it is better sex then when I beg and she just waits for me to get off.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Seawolf said:


> The answer for me is never. I don't really "ask" though, I just start the fun and games. Can't really tell you why this works, other than I married well, but I've always looked at it like I run the show, and the show must go on! In my experience, women react well to a man who takes charge. If you are asking and waiting for a yes or no answer, then you're going about it the wrong way brother
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope I didn't insiuate that people 'ask' for sex in my question. I'm sure some do, but I was more meaning turned down regardless of how you approach it. Whether you directly 'ask' for sex, or just 'start the fun and games' as you said, people do get turned down, and I was just trying to guage how often people seriously 'make a move' for sex and end up coming up cold.


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## tagg (Jun 25, 2012)

So often I quit trying to initiate. The sad/funny thing is once before when I said no (I was recovering from a back injury) I got tears and grief from her.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

tagg said:


> So often I quit trying to initiate. The sad/funny thing is once before when I said no (I was recovering from a back injury) I got tears and grief from her.


Been there buddy. My ex-wife turned me down a lot, I'd say 90% of the time. But the roughly once every three years I said no to her, she got quite hurt, upset and even started to question if I was interested in someone else. I've never understood how someone can be that self-centred to give someone grief for doing something that they feel like they have the right to do on a twice-weekly basis.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Sex is always on his terms, I have learned never to initiate. For some reason I can't handle rejection well. So that leaves me with Thursday morning between 8 and 8:30 am. Like clockwork.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

This thread is like fire-power for ending my R...things have taken a turn for the worst, and I am trying to be supportive and help her with coping with my infidelity, but she is not willing to admit that he contributed to the problem of our physical relationship. She is convinced she did everything under the sun, and I guess I am convinced that she did zero to help.

Mena dn women think differently though. I might need to move on and find someone I am more compatible in that way I guess.


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## xena74 (May 5, 2012)

Only 1 time have I been turned down. I never turn him down, will always give "mercy sex" if asked.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

xena74 said:


> Only 1 time have I been turned down. I never turn him down, will always give "mercy sex" if asked.


mercy sex, wth?


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I would say more then 95% of the time my husband turns me down. I always initate and the 2 times I've cracked it and refused to initiate any more has lead to 5 and 6 months without any at all.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

xena74 said:


> Only 1 time have I been turned down. I never turn him down, will always give "mercy sex" if asked.


What is "mercy sex?"


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Anomnom said:


> I would say more then 95% of the time my husband turns me down. I always initate and the 2 times I've cracked it and refused to initiate any more has lead to 5 and 6 months without any at all.


 .......no, scratch that....... 5 or 6 months is an awful long time to find creative ways to use a vibrator...


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> What is "mercy sex?"


It sounds deplorable...I'd rather go without.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

0% turn down and i've turned down 0% of the time.We're always hot for each other


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mercy sex is duty sex ...when its the last thing on earth you would rather do at the time but you do it for the other one so they dont have to "suffer without"...and it really bugs me because people say you shoud never turn your spouse down but at the same time if you have a HD spouse even with a spouse with a NORMAL drive not even "low" that is the only alternative to never turn them down..is to be "sympathetic" to their NEED evne if you have NO desire and just do it for them..then its called "dplorable" and "sad"..

It really puts a person with the "lower" (nto LOW) drive in a situatio where it seems they are "screwed"(no pun intended) either way..or liek they are just simply "wrong" for not 'wanting it " everytime their spouse does..its like critisizing someone for not beign hungry and saying "whats wrong with you yru supposed to be hungry at all times"..

anyway its called "mercy sex" because you are beign merciful instead of turning them down and beign called "selfish" or the "gatekeeper" etc..its also known as duty sex,sympathy sex obligatory sex..and no one seems to want that..but then you are told its yoru "responsibility " to satisfy your spouse..and you have n "excuse" to every turn them down..even if you simply do not want to have sex yourself for whatever reason including you are far from in the mood..(physcially or mentally,emotonally or all 3)..

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and I think I have been turned down for sex 1 time in 24 years of marraige but I have rarely initiated..when you have less desire(frequency wise) than your spouse and they happen to have an EXTREMELY high sex drive by anyones "standards) you dont get much opportunity to initiate because they are all over you already.Adn I have turned my husband down a lot becasue he wanted to have sex 2 or 3 times a day even after 20+ years of marriage he still would if I was willign and able.....anywhere any time unless it woudl get us arrested or litterally in front of other people he woudl have sex..so.. 

Dallas


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think it's fine to turn your spouse down from time to time Dallas. To do your "mercy sex" every time you don't want to, that will likely build resentment.

maybe explain this to your husband and work out an arrangement where on occassion he gets a no, but at the same time he gets a raincheck that you promise to cash in the next day or so? 

I know it bothers me when I get turned down, but I also get turned down 50% of the time or more. If that was say 20% or so, I doubt I'd be nearly as frustrated. I'm to the point where I don't even have the confidence to go through the whole seduction part because I feel like it's going to be a waste of my time and effort and hopes, and according to the odds it will be. But if I knew that much of the time I'd be successful, I'd be making passes left right and centre. 

Maybe tell your spouse that once in a while, you just don't want to and it's not him, it's just the way it is. As long as you work at it, it should be a meet in the middle thing, so see if he'd be ok with being postponed once in a while.

You sound a bit bitter Dallas, and like you are doing it just because you should, not because you want to, for yourself or for him. That's a quick way to some anger and resentment issues. Deal with it now before it gets to be an issue.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

quote:, but at the same time he gets a raincheck that you promise to cash in the next day or so? 
end quote..

but thats my problem if I tell him go ahead and ask whenever you feel the need?I coudl have sex with him every day and STILL be turnign him down because he woud if he could have sex every 8 to 12 hours nd I can nOT keep up with that..I cant even keep up with every sinlge day ..it acutally RUINS my sex life to have sex that much..uncuding the fact it becomes painful after about the 3rd or 4th day in a row..I mean painful enough that its not the good kind of 'hurts so good" stuff..Im not a "delicate flower" LOL!!I was built for sex but their is a limit..

In other words I will NEVER be able t give him as much sex as he likes adn I just have to live with that failure..

Dallas


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> quote:, but at the same time he gets a raincheck that you promise to cash in the next day or so?
> end quote..
> 
> but thats my problem if I tell him go ahead and ask whenever you feel the need?I coudl have sex with him every day and STILL be turnign him down because he woud if he could have sex every 8 to 12 hours nd I can nOT keep up with that..I cant even keep up with every sinlge day ..it acutally RUINS my sex life to have sex that much..uncuding the fact it becomes painful after about the 3rd or 4th day in a row..I mean painful enough that its not the good kind of 'hurts so good" stuff..Im not a "delicate flower" LOL!!I was built for sex but their is a limit..
> ...


If it's that often (2x a day, everyday) I think that's reasonable for you to say that's just to much. 

It's not a failure. I'd never view as such anyways. I believe the average couple has sex once every three days roughly, or 1/6th to 1/9th as much as he wants it. Kudos to him for such a libido, but if it's causing you actual pain, it may be time for you to tell him that and tell him the sex needs to tone down a bit in terms of quantity.

What is your ideal amount/frequency for sex? If you'd rather go say once every third day and he wants it 3x a day, why not try and meet in the middle and make it suitable for what you can handle (not just physically but also mentally). 5x a week perhaps? 

If he's truly in love with you, he'd be respectful to your needs, including when you say it actually hurts to have sex as much as you do. I wouldn't want my fiancee to actually suffer just so I can have sex for the 15th time in one week.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I think it's fine to turn your spouse down from time to time Dallas. To do your "mercy sex" every time you don't want to, that will likely build resentment.
> 
> maybe explain this to your husband and work out an arrangement where on occassion he gets a no, but at the same time he gets a raincheck that you promise to cash in the next day or so?
> 
> ...


I dont think im bitter..I think Im more "defesnive" when I hear the I woudl NEVER turn my spouse down thats emotional abuse..and its your responsibility to take care of your spouses sexual needs and "gatekeeper and I shouldnt even have to "ask" I just go for it its not a "questin " and how deplorable mercy sex is (when I have been put in a postion to do that pretty often in my marraige)..

So ...yeah sometimes I guess and can be a tad defensive adn not bitter but "resentful" that its been such a HUGE issue in my marriage becasue Im marreid to a black hole I cant fill up..

Dallas


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I dont think im bitter..I think Im more "defesnive" when I hear the I woudl NEVER turn my spouse down thats emotional abuse..and its your responsibility to take care of your spouses sexual needs and "gatekeeper and I shouldnt even have to "ask" I just go for it its not a "questin " and how deplorable mercy sex is (when I have been put in a postion to do that pretty often in my marraige)..
> 
> So ...yeah sometimes I guess and can be a tad defensive adn not bitter but "resentful" that its been such a HUGE issue in my marriage becasue Im marreid to a black hole I cant fill up..
> 
> Dallas


I think when people say those things around here, it's usually in response to a spouse who is upset because he/she can go weeks without, or gets told no often, not someone who is getting sex mutiple times in a week/day.

I have posted that for myself, I get sex 1-2x a week, and get rebuffed about 50% of the time. It would be more but I don't even ask as muchg as i want to. 

Having said that, I can say that there is no way I'd expect my spouse to put out at the rate you described. That is well above what anyone would consider normal. I know that when it comes to sex people say there is no 'normal' as that is subjective to each couples wants and needs, but I doubt you'd fine anyone around here ever say 2x a day everyday is normal.

So don't get defensive when you read that. it is response to otehrs, not your situation. You have been much more compassionate and willing to take care of your man's needs than many others who have posted or been mentioned on these boards. you should hold your head high, not be upset.

Kudos to you and I hope you are able to work towards a comprimise. you deserve it (and a break apparently).


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

QUOTE:5x a week perhaps? end quote..

5 times a week is FAR too much sex for me..I woudl #1 be sore constantly #2 I woud have NO chance to build up any actual desire in my mind ..or emotionally or physically ...so I would be left with litterally having no real and definately never have maximum pleasure in my sexual life ..I would be numbed out and lose the good sensations and it would like I said leave me never beign able to enjoy it..So it coudlwhat ?Have more pleasure?Me ZERO pleasure him in hogs heaven doesnt seem not only fair but thats nt what he wants either..he wants me to "want him" adn I can not "want sex" 5 times a week every single week..like I said at 5 times a week I woudl never be wanting..I woudl be left going through the motions and in physcal pain..my "interest" would be exausted..completely over done..

I could do 5 times a week IF I got the next week to 10 days completly off..thats the only way..but at least 2 or 3 of THOSE times on the week its 5 times I really wouldnt be "wanting it" myslef(NO HUNGER inside)..thats just the only way I coudl tolerate it..

Dallas


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> QUOTE:5x a week perhaps? end quote..
> 
> 5 times a week is FAR too much sex for me..I woudl #1 be sore constantly #2 I woud have NO chance to build up any actual desire in my mind ..or emotionally or physically ...so I would be left with litterally having no real and definately never have maximum pleasure in my sexual life ..I would be numbed out and lose the good sensations and it would like I said leave me never beign able to enjoy it..So it coudlwhat ?Have more pleasure?Me ZERO pleasure him in hogs heaven doesnt seem not only fair but thats nt what he wants either..he wants me to "want him" adn I can not "want sex" 5 times a week every single week..like I said at 5 times a week I woudl never be wanting..I woudl be left going through the motions and in physcal pain..my "interest" would be exausted..completely over done..
> 
> ...


It sounds like your drive and his are WAY out of sync. Sounds like 2-3 a week is more than enough for you, while 2-3 a day sounds like a good time for him.

Was it always like this, or is this a new development? Has your drive decreased or his increased since you first met? Have you always had "mercey sex" with him, and does he know that?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

quote:Having said that, I can say that there is no way I'd expect my spouse to put out at the rate you described. That is well above what anyone would consider normal. I know that when it comes to sex people say there is no 'normal' as that is subjective to each couples wants and needs, but I doubt you'd fine anyone around here ever say 2x a day everyday is normal.
end quote..

Well I was told oen time years ago on a Christin marriage forum for sex that you can never say any amoutn of sex is "too much sex" for somene else in other words he was HIGH 'normal"..

And I tried one time thinking maybe if I NEVER turn him down he will slow down..I had to put an end to it..when after about 3 weeks it was well int the 40's (# of times) it felt like razor blades were in me ..I had gotten an infection ..adn he was STILL not done..like a feeding frenzy...Liek a shark eatng a shark thats eating another shark..

Hes also oen of those that can go 2 times in a row and I mean in a ROW(without stopping) and he can go for 2 hours as well..5 times in 7 hours one tiem when I got drunk enough LOL!!

He coudl have been in porn Im not kidding..

anyway..so yeah I turn him down a LOT and I have also "shut down" and didnt want it at all for farily lenghty periods of time too..becasue of his earlier on tendency to not want to take "no for an answer..and other issues we have had..

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> It sounds like your drive and his are WAY out of sync. Sounds like 2-3 a week is more than enough for you, while 2-3 a day sounds like a good time for him.
> 
> Was it always like this, or is this a new development? Has your drive decreased or his increased since you first met? Have you always had "mercey sex" with him, and does he know that?


Its been like that since the beginning of the marriage 24 years ago ..the problems arent "current" because he finally accepted just becasue he has an urge doesnt mean Im supposed ot satify it..Btu the poitn it he still deisres it that much we had sex last night at aroudn 1 am and he was raring to go this morning at 8 am ..he let me know but I gave him the "no vibe"..but I bet he will ask me again tonight if not its becasue hes trying not to "push it" anymore ..but I KNOW that hes thinking of it and sort of circling around me "testing the waters" and thats the problem it feels like an elephant in the room or IM beign stalked) evne if hes trying to be a "good boy"..thats when I'll get frustrated just from the pressure and tell him out of the question dont even look at me..

Anyway this is a TOTAL derail ..thanks for your listening ears..

Dallas


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

It is an elephant in the room. Guaranteed. Hopefully the two of youa re communicating.

Somethings in marriage are a 50/50 give and take, and sex is one. So is the burden of sex, which in your case it sounds more like a burden. If he expects you to be with him when you aren't 'in the mood' you should expect an equal amount of time for him to put up with not getting what he wants. 

that is unless the difference is just to huge, which may be the case here. Have you done marriage counselling? Maybe discussing it further will help him see it from your angel better and vice versa.

Also, perhaps you could work other ways to 'get him off' into your sex life? He'd get the satisfaction he craves from you, and it'd give you a break as well from vaginal intercourse.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> It is an elephant in the room. Guaranteed. Hopefully the two of youa re communicating.
> 
> Somethings in marriage are a 50/50 give and take, and sex is one. So is the burden of sex, which in your case it sounds more like a burden. If he expects you to be with him when you aren't 'in the mood' you should expect an equal amount of time for him to put up with not getting what he wants.
> 
> ...


I allready do other things as part of our sexual life..and the IC beign too much that its painful is only one issue..I get MENTALLY numb from the over stimulation and I dont want to think about sex ...and be focussed on sex that frequently..its tiresome..Adn its only a "burden" if Im expected to be sexual far more frequently than Im wired for..on any regular basis as would most people..Sex starts in the mind and my MIND gets overloaded ..its like over talking something ..it wears your mind out and you want ot think about something else..or stop talkign adn just be quiet..Besdides fortunately (and unfortunately) in my case umm..75% of his pleasrue it seesm is him stisfying ME..he has gotten angry at me before when I had issues (temporarily) with havign an orgasm..its his ego I think..Or if I have ever suggested Im O.K dont worry about me this time he wont take "no for an answer" until its done or sometimes he will "give up" after insistign he keeps trying ..I get peformance anxiety because of HIS need for that ..then hes even MORE on a mission to come after me again 8 hours later he says so I can "get mine" when Im nto even concerned about it....Thats another thing ..the MORE sex I have less likely Im going to O with relative ease..Im about a 10 minute girl LOL!..but I will quickly become a no go at all if its more than 3 a week..Consistently adn lot of that is the mental ...Im "desensitized..and physcially Im not as sensitive..

Even when I have offered quickies?A quickie is merely foreplay for him..Same with a surprise OS in the car or in the middle of the night..its like with him havign things liek that only make him want to have sex..(full blown )

The thing is Im only explaining this..because there is no answer for a super high drive person a practically insatiable person to be satisfied even if you compromise..Im STIL turnign him away....Except when they are asleep..and then they are probably DREAMING about having sex..LOL!!

Dallas


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ah - the "not interested" vibe. Very powerful stuff when sex is something you do with someone and not to someone. That vibe flips my off switch. It is normal male / female stuff. 





dallasapple said:


> I allready do other things as part of our sexual life..and the IC beign too much that its painful is only one issue..I get MENTALLY numb from the over stimulation and I dont want to think about sex ...and be focussed on sex that frequently..its tiresome..Adn its only a "burden" if Im expected to be sexual far more frequently than Im wired for..on any regular basis as would most people..Sex starts in the mind and my MIND gets overloaded ..its like over talking something ..it wears your mind out and you want ot think about something else..or stop talkign adn just be quiet..Besdides fortunately (and unfortunately) in my case umm..75% of his pleasrue it seesm is him stisfying ME..he has gotten angry at me before when I had issues (temporarily) with havign an orgasm..its his ego I think..Or if I have ever suggested Im O.K dont worry about me this time he wont take "no for an answer" until its done or sometimes he will "give up" after insistign he keeps trying ..I get peformance anxiety because of HIS need for that ..then hes even MORE on a mission to come after me again 8 hours later he says so I can "get mine" when Im nto even concerned about it....Thats another thing ..the MORE sex I have less likely Im going to O with relative ease..Im about a 10 minute girl LOL!..but I will quickly become a no go at all if its more than 3 a week..Consistently adn lot of that is the mental ...Im "desensitized..and physcially Im not as sensitive..
> 
> Even when I have offered quickies?A quickie is merely foreplay for him..Same with a surprise OS in the car or in the middle of the night..its like with him havign things liek that only make him want to have sex..(full blown )
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

King,
You are headed for trouble if she is that comfortable shutting you down to once a week. How long have you been together?

UOTE=kingsfan;857879]It is an elephant in the room. Guaranteed. Hopefully the two of youa re communicating.

Somethings in marriage are a 50/50 give and take, and sex is one. So is the burden of sex, which in your case it sounds more like a burden. If he expects you to be with him when you aren't 'in the mood' you should expect an equal amount of time for him to put up with not getting what he wants. 

that is unless the difference is just to huge, which may be the case here. Have you done marriage counselling? Maybe discussing it further will help him see it from your angel better and vice versa.

Also, perhaps you could work other ways to 'get him off' into your sex life? He'd get the satisfaction he craves from you, and it'd give you a break as well from vaginal intercourse.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatdude (Oct 19, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatdude (Oct 19, 2010)

Like many others have posted, I'm in the 2+ years with no sex camp. Married 15+ years, and now I rarely bother trying because there is always an excuse and she doesn't even bother with a rain check. Unfortunately now I'm used to no sex/affection. I probably need to see a therapist for my own sanity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> I dont think im bitter..I think Im more "defesnive" when I hear the I woudl NEVER turn my spouse down thats emotional abuse..and its your responsibility to take care of your spouses sexual needs and "gatekeeper and I shouldnt even have to "ask" I just go for it its not a "questin " and how deplorable mercy sex is (when I have been put in a postion to do that pretty often in my marraige)..
> 
> So ...yeah sometimes I guess and can be a tad defensive adn not bitter but "resentful" that its been such a HUGE issue in my marriage becasue Im marreid to a black hole I cant fill up..
> 
> Dallas


Dallas, I am the one who made the comment about mercy sex being deplorable...let me explain. I understand it as an act of mercy and / or sacrifice. In my marriage I am the partner with the high drive. When we first started dating we were having sex two or three times a day and frankly I was in heaven. I was finally able to open up and explore my sexuality and I felt comfortable expressing it in ways I wouldn't have even considered in my first marriage. I felt alive again after many years (28) in a marriage that was basically sexless. Then his desire for me seemed to dry up. He stopped initiating, he would push me away when I indicated a desire for him. It was very hard to deal with the rejection. It took about a year and a half of bad feelings, sleepless nights and buckets of tears to find out that he was having ED issues and low testosterone to go with it. During that year and a half there were several times I knew he had sex with me only because he felt guilted into it...mercy sex in other words. I didn't enjoy one second of it, thinking that he had no desire for me but was just doing it to make me happy. After so many years of being sexually repressed I needed him to want me. Now that I know the underlying cause of his rejection was not a loss of desire but his embarassment over an issue he didn't want to deal with I can accept it. 
In no way did I mean for my words to undermine what you do for your husband, I just made a hasty remark about the way I felt when I thought my husband was having sex with me because he felt sorry or because it was his duty. It made me feel empty.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mrs. T said:


> Sex is always on his terms, I have learned never to initiate. For some reason I can't handle rejection well. So that leaves me with Thursday morning between 8 and 8:30 am. Like clockwork.


well this just sucks, but at least youre getting more than me...for now. :/


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> King,
> You are headed for trouble if she is that comfortable shutting you down to once a week. How long have you been together?
> 
> 
> ...


I wouldn't classify her as 'comfortable' with once a week. My fiancee is LD. Very LD in fact, to the point that once every 3 weeks is likely plenty for her. She though is aware that I am not LD and would prefer sex anywhere between 2-5 times a week (and I'm sure the odd week more than that as well).

So we've compromised on twice a week on average, but lately it has dropped to closer to once a week. We talked about it two weeks ago and she agreed that the frequency has slipped and it's something she doesn't want to have happen. Since then it's been five times, and I believe it will pick up. We are still working on our sex life, but it has been getting better since I talked to her about it. And I make sure to go way out of my way to make sure she is interested and happy as well, so it's not just a me "getting my rocks off" situation.


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> For some reason,being " turned down " for sex is an alien concept to me, as a man.
> You do not ASK FOR SEX.
> Its like chess,
> Create the opening and MAKE THE PLAY.
> Women live for seduction.


By far the best comment on this thread. Sex should go beyond just going through the motions and doing it as a "favor" to the other person. Also, sex isn't just about sex. It is just one aspect of a relationship as a whole. If other aspects of that relationship are healthy, then the sex life will only naturally follow suit. This isn't rocket science, or at least shouldn't be.

Bottom line, if your sex life has been reduced to a mechanical procedure of requesting and complying, then there are bigger relationship issues that you need to worry about than just what happens in bed.

JR


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## xena74 (May 5, 2012)

Dallas, I could not and would not give in to mercy sex that often. I can't imagine what doing that does to you. I know when he tries to initiate it and i'm not in the mood, i'll say ok, but just get yours i'm fine. Then he knows be quick. He has a high drive like ur husband, but would NEVER try that with me. He is happy if he gets it 2x week. Thats all he asks for, and I am happy with that number. It has taken many years for us to get to this point. Not fighting about sex, porn and masturbation.


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