# Having THE conversation.



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have posted about my marital problems here before and I'm now trying to determine the best way to discuss our sexual problems. I want to talk to him about. He likes to have me give him a hand job and do nothing for ME. When we went to therapy years ago we addressed it and he promised he would try harder. Now it is back to the same thing and I want to see if there anything left of our marriage. 

What should I say to him. He had the attitude last time "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you". He responded with passive aggression. 

What do you recommend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I have posted about my marital problems here before and I'm now trying to determine the best way to discuss our sexual problems. I want to talk to him about. He likes to have me give him a hand job and do nothing for ME. When we went to therapy years ago we addressed it and he promised he would try harder. Now it is back to the same thing and I want to see if there anything left of our marriage.
> 
> What should I say to him. He had the attitude last time "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you". He responded with passive aggression.
> 
> ...


The old "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you" . He's the conductor of the poor me train. Ask him what exactly he's not good enough at. If he can identify what he's not being good enough at then I suggest you call him out on some action to improve. Otherwise before the HJ make sure you get your needs met first and maybe once and awhile leave him hangin'.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

The problem according to him is that he is scared of premature ejac. So he likes quickies because he is less concerned. But that does little good for me!



CanadianGuy said:


> The old "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you" . He's the conductor of the poor me train. Ask him what exactly he's not good enough at. If he can identify what he's not being good enough at then I suggest you call him out on some action to improve. Otherwise before the HJ make sure you get your needs met first and maybe once and awhile leave him hangin'.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> The problem according to him is that he is scared of premature ejac. So he likes quickies because he is less concerned. But that does little good for me!
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure it does little good for you. There is plenty of advice on the net and elsewhere about what to do about PE. Print some off and give it to him to read. Better yet tell him your willing to work on his concern with him. Ask him to look it up on the net. Or make an appointment to see his doctor.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have asked him to go to the doctor. He refused. He also said he "was just fine". 



CanadianGuy said:


> I'm sure it does little good for you. There is plenty of advice on the net and elsewhere about what to do about PE. Print some off and give it to him to read. Better yet tell him your willing to work on his concern with him. Ask him to look it up on the net. Or make an appointment to see his doctor.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OK... I've always been under the impression we should sandwich a bad comment between two positive comments. IE: I love you to bits and want to increase the passion between us...cause I want you/us to have the best orgasms/sex ever....

Thinking outside the box here... how about massage. Maybe even Tantric massage (there is loads of info online).

Something to make the enjoyment about lovely body feelings...not sex. Could be nice for both...you get all that pleasure...he gets the pressure taken off his PE.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

It's a good idea. I appreciate it. And it might really help. But I still want sex. I hate the fact that I'm having to deal with "my own satisfaction". I suppose I should do it on front of him but I don't. I just dont want him to know or be around. He has his chance and he passes. 




waiwera said:


> OK... I've always been under the impression we should sandwich a bad comment between two positive comments. IE: I love you to bits and want to increase the passion between us...cause I want you/us to have the best orgasms/sex ever....
> 
> Thinking outside the box here... how about massage. Maybe even Tantric massage (there is loads of info online).
> 
> Something to make the enjoyment about lovely body feelings...not sex. Could be nice for both...you get all that pleasure...he gets the pressure taken off his PE.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> The problem according to him is that he is scared of premature ejac. So he likes quickies because he is less concerned. But that does little good for me!
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As a man PE can make you feel pretty low. I used to suffer with it as a young man, especially if I was very horny.

However as I have got older I find, with practice, that I can hold back and exert self control.

What we have found is that if we use a position where I am the 'dominant' partner I find I have to exert far more control than if we adopt a position where I am the 'submissive' partner.
So what we do most times start with me in the 'submissive' and then once my wife has had her orgasm we adopt a different position for me to have mine.

That may be something you can try.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

If he is so afraid of premature ejaculation then the first part of your sexual interaction should be all about you ..IOW FOREPLAY for you ..hold off even stimulating him back untill you are almost there THEN begin intecourse..Sounds like hes not even TOUCHING you ....

Many guys can not have inercourse non stop (withouth pulling back a little or even all the way for a minute or two) for as long as it takes for her to O.guys have to learn to slow down or stop and start back up multiple times ...I dare say if most men especially if its been a while or long enough anyway that they are really horny if all they did was insert their penis in her vagina and hump away non stop as hard and fast as they like are going to orgasm in 3 -5 minutes..Its not "premature ejaculation" either ..its how they are built so they have to learn to use self control and slow down or even stop periodically to give her the chance to reach O..

Your husband isnt even trying..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh also it MIGHT help for him to MB even a few hours before on the same day or on the days in between you having sex..so hes not as "pent up" ..it doesnt help if you are fixing to explode before you have even been touched..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I have asked him to go to the doctor. He refused. He also said he "was just fine".
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds to me like he's telling you it's "your problem". This is BS about the PE concerns then, just an excuse. 

I will quote something I read on hear recently. 

"In my house you don't get to simultaneously claim that sex is unimportant for US - and yet so important if it happens with another that the result will be divorce."


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I talked to him. He was not comfortable with the convo. He said that he knows I've been working on my weight... And he's been afraid to say anything. I said huh? 5'9. 136 lbs. I am always working on my weight. Working out etc. he then said its because he doesn't want to interfere w my weight struggles. Yes I have gained 4 lbs but its not like it's that big of a deal. I totally don't understand. I told him that making me do hand jobs without receiving anything certainly won't help with my self esteem. He just said "I have low self confidence too" and said he didn't want to talk anymore. He said "I'll try harder". 

So what should I make out of that?!?!





CanadianGuy said:


> Sounds to me like he's telling you it's "your problem". This is BS about the PE concerns then, just an excuse.
> 
> I will quote something I read on hear recently.
> 
> "In my house you don't get to simultaneously claim that sex is unimportant for US - and yet so important if it happens with another that the result will be divorce."


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEWell I talked to him. He was not comfortable with the convo. He said that he knows I've been working on my weight... And he's been afraid to say anything. I said huh? 5'9. 136 lbs. ][/QUOTE]

If your 5'9 and 136 lbs ???YOu are not "overweight"..thats just an excuse..Maybe you are "too tall" and should get shorter?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> he then said its because he doesn't want to interfere w my weight struggles.



Also ask him how having hot sex "interferes" with "weight "struggles" ?

Sex is arobic..


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I am hurt by it! Was there another way to take his comments? 




dallasapple said:


> [QUOTEWell I talked to him. He was not comfortable with the convo. He said that he knows I've been working on my weight... And he's been afraid to say anything. I said huh? 5'9. 136 lbs. ]


If your 5'9 and 136 lbs ???YOu are not "overweight"..thats just an excuse..Maybe you are "too tall" and should get shorter?[/QUOTE]
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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I am hurt by it! Was there another way to take his comments?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Well I mean thats how I would take it..you are on the "thin side" at 140 145 even 150 at 5'9"...

What are you supposed to lose bone?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I guess he's saying that unattractive to him? Then he said he has lack of confidence too. 

I would never tell him that he has any issues with his body!


I just don't know what to do. Other than be mad. 





dallasapple said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I mean thats how I would take it..you are on the "thin side" at 140 145 even 150 at 5'9"...

What are you supposed to lose bone?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I guess he's saying that unattractive to him? Then he said he has lack of confidence too.
> 
> I would never tell him that he has any issues with his body!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

I suppose..HE has body hangups..


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

So he tells me the reason he has me just give him a hand job with no reciprocation is that he knows I've been working on my weight. He "will try harder next time" and wants to stop talking about the convo. 


I really am a size 4. I'm 5 9 and 136 this morning! Doesn't that just seem extreme? Even if he does "try harder" I don't want to have him have pity sex with me. 

I mean... How do I get past that?






dallasapple said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suppose..HE has body hangups..[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Question2me2...

Does your husband have a problem with your body ???(weight?)


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> So he tells me the reason he has me just give him a hand job with no reciprocation is that he knows I've been working on my weight. He "will try harder next time" and wants to stop talking about the convo.
> 
> 
> I really am a size 4. I'm 5 9 and 136 this morning! Doesn't that just seem extreme? Even if he does "try harder" I don't want to have him have pity sex with me.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

That makes no sense to me at all. You give him an HJ , he says not interested in sex because he knows your working on your weight. WTF? That's like me giving you an apple and when you ask for an apple in return I say no because I know your working on your boat. 

"Do or do not, there is no try" Yoda.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

That's why I've come here. Thinking I must have missed the logic in the words. But I'm just pretty hurt by it. 

When I tried to consider the conversation later on he got angry. I asked him why he was so mad. He said he wasn't mad at me. Only mad at himself. 

????? 




CanadianGuy said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That makes no sense to me at all. You give him an HJ , he says not interested in sex because he knows your working on your weight. WTF? That's like me giving you an apple and when you ask for an apple in return I say no because I know your working on your boat. 

"Do or do not, there is no try" Yoda.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RayJay50 (Aug 27, 2012)

At 5'9" and 136, you are not overweight.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I appreciate that. But what do I do about my husband? 



RayJay50 said:


> At 5'9" and 136, you are not overweight.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I appreciate that. But what do I do about my husband?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Walk into the room he is in. ( that's important otherwise this will make no sense ). Tell him you're finished working on your weight.  and it's time for him to man up to you. 

If he's still mad at himself, he needs to spank himself.  ( if you're pickin' up what I'm droppin' )


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

The problem is.. The damage is done. I don't want him to touch me after telling me that. It's just a consistent feeling of negativity. 




CanadianGuy said:


> Walk into the room he is in. ( that's important otherwise this will make no sense ). Tell him you're finished working on your weight.  and it's time for him to man up to you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RayJay50 (Aug 27, 2012)

CanandianGuy is right. If he has a PE issue, you cant fix it for him, he just needs to accept he's not superman and accept you care for him and work on his issues. Not to deflect and make you feel bad.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> The problem is.. The damage is done. I don't want him to touch me after telling me that. It's just a consistent feeling of negativity.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well then I guess you're at a stale mate  ( bad choice or good choice of words there) He doesn't want to and you don't either.

Congratulations your drives match perfectly. 

I'm not sure what else to say. At first it was you're husbands problem, now you say it's both of you. I can appreciate it is difficult to act when you have been hurt constantly by rejection but put your fear aside, have courage, step up and, go for it just one more time.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well we've been to therapy over this problem and we've struggled personally a well. 

It's kind of like... Ok. Now you are blaming my Weight? That is extremely hurtful... 



CanadianGuy said:


> Well then I guess you're at a stale mate  ( bad choice or good choice of words there) He doesn't want to and you don't either.
> 
> Congratulations your drives match perfectly.
> 
> I'm not sure what else to say. At first it was you're husbands problem, now you say it's both of you. I can appreciate it is difficult to act when you have been hurt constantly by rejection but put your fear aside, have courage, step up and, go for it just one more time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It sounds to me like your husband wanted to change the subject. For most women, mentioning their weight results in an instant change of the subject. So, mission accomplished.

I think you have two options to proceed from here, besides giving up/status quo. The first is to try and talk some more. And you have to be ready for bear and not accept any changes of the subject. If he tells you you're fat, you simply say you can talk about your weight later, after you've talked about sex. And you can't just accept, "I'll try harder." However, your husband obviously doesn't want to talk about this.

So, I recommend approach number two. The next time he asks for a HJ, you say, "That's a great idea. And while I'm doing that, you can do X on me." The idea being to compel participation. If he balks, then no HJ for him. If he participates, great.

Good luck.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"ve been in this position... and can only speculate since he isn't talking either... but there IS a reason why he doesn't want sex.

A HJ is a physical release. NO emotional connection required, no performance issues, and he has previously hinted at the PE thing and his confidence being an issue.

It's very very hard for some men to talk about this stuff. Their sense of self esteem is just as fragile as ours, and it could take a lot of prodding to get him to open up to YOU about it. 

Look up Mavash's posts. She tried an approach to help build her h's self confidence. I tried it too. I tried it for two weeks, straight, and I saw a huge improvement. He also started telling me why he had low sex drive. 

Simply put, it had to do with me stopping initiating, because I was frustrated at getting turned down, which made him feel less of a man, and once his self esteem had bottomed out due to a bunch of other issues, there was zip for drive left. 

It had nothing to do with me, but yet it had everything to do with me.

I would say this is more common in the first 5 years of marriage.
My h explained it this way ---
Not married = able to just have sex, because it's fun and enjoyable
Married = deep emotional connection, and not able to "just" have sex. At all. More on the line, so to say. More pressure. Want to be perfect, make sure she is happy because if she isn't.... if she leaves, well that's gonna hurt a LOT.

It seems like a role reversal. But sometimes for men and women it can boil down to them not knowing really truly for sure that you love them, even if they can't perform. That's due to a lack of self esteem and not thinking they are good enough.

Lots of things you can do to show him you do care, and help him feel better about himself. Comes down to him believing that you will stick around through the tough times, and not leave him for someone else if he can't be a good lover. 

Does that make any sense to you?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

As I see it PE doesn't preclude other forms of sex, oral, manual or with toys. It's possible he may be suffering from depression. 

From your point of view you have the right to expect sex from your partner. He can't just ignore that fact. He should be working with you to find a workable solution. If he's not prepared to work with you on that than you either have to accept it or move on. Easier said than done but you're desires are not at all unreasonable.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

THis all is excellent feedback - but have more problems in marriage than this issue regarding HJ. I understand talking about PE might be very difficult -- but telling his wife that my weight is the better option?

I'm sorry but I just find that terribly offensive and a HUGE turn off...for a wife who was trying to be patient!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Is he eager for the hand jobs? Or is it more a case of "oh well if you're going to do something it might as well be a HJ"

He's not going to like the suggestion but have you thought about consulting a doctor? He may have a medical problem, perhaps problems with testostrone.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I agree that PE should not be an issue. There must be something else affecting his drive but he might be too ashamed/embarassed/unwilling to share the deep root cause reason.

In order for me to ensure my wife gets off I usually start with lots of oral on her. Use fingers at same time. I just love it. It turns me on big time. after she O's a few times she is super sensitive and I proceed on top of her. She usually O's again within a few mins and I can finish with her if I want (as she asks me to) or think about something else and then give her another agonizingly intense one lol. 

See this way PE not an issue cause you cum a few times before insertion. Hurts the jaw some but im a trooper. THIS would be the try harder part he mentioned. He can be a GREAT lover without going for long if does things like this.

Is it POSSIBLE he's having a PA with someone else? Im not suggesting - just asking. I hope no. maybe he requires novelty?? change ur hair color maybe?

Also, could he have mentioned ur weight as a defense mechanism to take the attention off himself? maybe he's protecting his root cause issue if there is something other than PE.


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