# (Update) I’ve spun a web & caught in the middle



## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Just a quick update on my situation.
I posted a few times about the state of my marriage & how the way things have been have made me feel, so my wife moved out of our family home a good few months ago now due to the on going difficulties we were facing for a long period of time, before she moved out & towards the very end of our relationship of 24 years I started what seemed like an emotional affair no physical contact just constantly texting with a few meet ups, the AP was in a on off relationship of her own with her partner & kids dad of 15 years, I ended the affair just before my wife moved out as the AP was still on off with her ex ( I know I was still under the same roof as my wife) i know that makes me an hypocrite but honestly I have suffered tremendously from severe on going abuse for over 2 decades to a women who still drinks excessively & will not even attempt to change or even begin to try & even meet/full fill any of my emotional needs & not without me trying even harder to get her to. When I ended the affair my mind was all over I just couldn’t get her out of my head & missed her comfort so much as did she, we have since started to see each other again only this time it’s deep very very deep she has even told her ex that it’s me she wants & spends almost every night at my house.
We slept together once & spend most of the night just cuddling up watching films & chatting etc. ( I can’t seem to be able to perform there’s just nothing working down there at all) now just before we rekindled what we had before it was my wife’s birthday & I bought her some wife gifts & stayed the odd night at her house (again no needs being met by her or even attempting to) then when my AP got back in touch to tell me how much she misses me I was straight back to her like we hadn’t even ended, now my wife is asking why I don’t go round anymore & have stopped staying at her house & she thinks I’m upto no good, I don’t have the heart to tell her what I’m doing & it’s tearing me apart also worried about what the other women will say/feel when it comes out (they literally live streets apart & know each other) my wife wont acknowledge the past as a reason for the state of our marriage but I can’t tell the new women that I haven’t ended my marriage properly & she seems really into me, but now I feel guilt & remorse for my actions & think I’m missing my wife ( I feel like being a coward & running far far away) I honestly need some guts & strength to do what needs to be done I’ve literally span a web for myself & completely stuck init.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What is the thing that ‘needs to be done?’

I wasn’t sure from your post, as you mention you miss your wife now, but now the AP and you are official?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I have suffered tremendously from severe on going abuse for over 2 decades to a women who still drinks excessively & will not even attempt to change or even begin to try & even meet/full fill any of my emotional needs


Just because you have spent 2 decades married to an abusive alcoholic does not mean you have to spend 2 more minutes in that hell. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love alcoholics. You will get insight into why you are staying & trying to fix this mess. Then you will hopefully develop the courage to leave. 

You have also begun something with somebody else. Your marital vows have been trashed. Move forward already.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What is the thing that ‘needs to be done?’
> 
> I wasn’t sure from your post, as you mention you miss your wife now, but now the AP and you are official?


Only a few know about me & the new women my wife is yet to find out & I’m worried about hurting either of them, I seem content with the new women but feel I have moved on too quickly but don’t want to let her go either, I want the attachment gone from my wife without the problems that will arise, I know wishful thinking but also at the same time i feel like I’m doing something wrong like it’s the wrong thing to do, I don’t no just all messed up.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are doing something wrong. You are cheating & you are lying to yourself about what you are doing & why. 

You can't prevent people including yourself from getting hurt around the dissolution of your marriage. There is no way out without hard / hurt feelings.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> You are doing something wrong. You are cheating & you are lying to yourself about what you are doing & why.
> 
> You can't prevent people including yourself from getting hurt around the dissolution of your marriage. There is no way out without hard / hurt feelings.


It’s time to open up to them both see where that gets me if I lose both then so be it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m scared to believe you about all your wife’s faults….. literally every cheater (that’s what you are) I’ve ever heard of, made their spouse out to be a monster as their “reason” for cheating.

I think you are correct to lay it all out there and let the poop fall as it may.
Then divorce your wife and be a single man. Your AP is not marriage material, she proved it by doing the same thing you did. How could you ever trust her, or her you???

If your wife is as bad as you say, why haven’t you divorced her instead of monkey branching to a new woman? That’s rhetorical, there’s no excuses for that which would be acceptable.

Will you really finally tell the truth?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m scared to believe you about all your wife’s faults….. literally every cheater (that’s what you are) I’ve ever heard of, made their spouse out to be a monster as their “reason” for cheating.
> 
> I think you are correct to lay it all out there and let the poop fall as it may.
> Then divorce your wife and be a single man. Your AP is not marriage material, she proved it by doing the same thing you did. How could you ever trust her, or her you???
> ...


This is where inertia comes into play.

The _abused spouse _becomes paralyzed, and indecisive.

They cannot pull the trigger on their marriage, because their trigger finger is stuck, far up their butt.

That sphincter muscle holds onto all those past wrongs, those past relationship turds, like a vise.
They know if they pull the finger-plug on their marriage, the released, stinking poop will fill their neighborhood.

Huh, what?



_The Typist- _ I am out of the closet again.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m scared to believe you about all your wife’s faults….. literally every cheater (that’s what you are) I’ve ever heard of, made their spouse out to be a monster as their “reason” for cheating.
> 
> I think you are correct to lay it all out there and let the poop fall as it may.
> Then divorce your wife and be a single man. Your AP is not marriage material, she proved it by doing the same thing you did. How could you ever trust her, or her you???
> ...


as hard as it may be to believe the things that really happened they truly have & the love I’ve had for my wife from 16 years old is tremendous & took some real hard hits to make me feel I don’t want her, it took me 24 years to look at someone else after trying more than what I believe almost any person would try, but yes time to face reality & own upto my wrong doing & take responsibility for my actions just got to make the 1st step & say the words out loud to them both, thank you for your reply


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> This is where inertia comes into play.
> 
> The _abused spouse _becomes paralyzed, and indecisive.
> 
> ...


I don’t understand why I care that I’m going to hurt my wife when she’s never cared about hurting me in some of the most awful ways in which she has but thank you for reply


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That allure of _Monkey Branching _can never be underestimated.

The new nest, the new set of lips, and the rest..... that are so warmly felt, are so soothing.

All_ *sorts of torts*_ can be rationalized away, once, one is in the arms of a (seemingly true) love.

_
The Typist-_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> as hard as it may be to believe the things that really happened they truly have & the love I’ve had for my wife from 16 years old is tremendous & took some real hard hits to make me feel I don’t want her, it took me 24 years to look at someone else after trying more than what I believe almost any person would try, but yes time to face reality & own upto my wrong doing & take responsibility for my actions just got to make the 1st step & say the words out loud to them both, thank you for your reply


If you own your stuff and go ahead and take action, regardless of what happens you’ll be better off. I can be all judgy very easily (you know how it is being on the outside looking in) but you know the full truth. As said above, it is really hard to get out of a marriage when you love the person even if they’re a bad spouse.

The right thing is hard to do. Just gotta rip the bandaid off. The fact that you accept your end does show you have some introspection going on. Do what is logical and not what hurts the least. Usually ends up best. Wish I could practice what I advise sometimes.🙂
Good luck.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I don’t understand why I care that I’m going to hurt my wife when she’s never cared about hurting me in some of the most awful ways in which she has but thank you for reply


This isn’t just about your wife. It’s about how you may have fundamentally changed and have become too self-centered, a survival “skill” you acquired to deal with your wife’s alcoholism, to be a good partner for anyone. Your reluctance to disclose to your new girlfriend is evidence of not being willing to sacrifice or take risks that remove control. You are denying your new girlfriend agency.

You should be disclosing to your new girlfriend exactly the things you would hope to keep private. The past 24 years have made you a hot mess for new relationships. It’s not fair for you? Sure. But even worse for new girlfriend.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Two wrongs don’t make a right.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you need a long time out from women and dating.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I don’t understand why I care that I’m going to hurt my wife when she’s never cared about hurting me in some of the most awful ways


You don't want to be the source of her pain. Anybody with a conscious would not intentionally hurt another, especially not somebody they once loved enough to marry. 

But the deal is you have to be nicer to yourself & love yourself more to get yourself out of this mess. 

You are right you may lose them both but maybe knowing you cheated will be the impetus for your wife to change. It's unlikely but possible.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So your wife has moved out and moved on, it’s great to see someone taking action and making plans and following through. That’s great she’s managed this while dealing with alcoholism.

It seems from how you post you’re not really doing much or changing much and that you’re generally inactive about getting out of situations you put yourself into. Remember you did say ‘I dug a hole.’ That’s not an easy skill to learn, and it’s ok, don’t be hard on yourself.

Some people tend to just let life happen and lean on others, getting by without really adulting and stressing out too much, while everyone else around them cracks from the stress.

And the blaming others... it might be fair to probably stop blaming your wife (and let’s face it, you also speak mostly negatively about your new babe too).

I’m not really convinced things will change much for you. But I am convinced you’re going to try pass this into your two women and maybe have them fight it out, to deflect from your predicament.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> So your wife has moved out and moved on, it’s great to see someone taking action and making plans and following through. That’s great she’s managed this while dealing with alcoholism.
> 
> It seems from how you post you’re not really doing much or changing much and that you’re generally inactive about getting out of situations you put yourself into. Remember you did say ‘I dug a hole.’ That’s not an easy skill to learn, and it’s ok, don’t be hard on yourself.
> 
> ...


My wife has moved out yes but hasn’t moved on as such with any one else, just yesterday I felt i had to go see her as she was texting me saying she wants to end her life & to say she’s sorry for all we’ve been through, also for me to say good bye to our children for her as she can’t live without me anymore (heart completely sank) manipulation or not it hurt to see her upset like that, so much so that I’m now contemplating ending what I have with the new woman & being there for my wife even though I know things will be awful & it will hurt me being back in that situation that I’m so used to. What I have with the other women is completely different to what I’ve ever had with my wife, my wife is in affectionate doesn’t care about my feelings or any kind of emotional needs, where as the other women shows me affection with touch words & her body language, it’s the total opposite of what I’ve ever had with my wife but I can’t stand to see her upset or hear them words that about ending her life.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

You're a cake eater, dude. You want the AP without having to divorce your wife. Man up and leave your supposedly horrible, abusive wife and make a go of it with the AP.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

loblawbobblog said:


> You're a cake eater, dude. You want the AP without having to divorce your wife. Man up and leave your supposedly horrible, abusive wife and make a go of it with the AP.





Detatchedfromlove said:


> Me & this women I know have been chatting for around 8 months, like really getting to know each other, morning hun, how are you, what u doing today, how’s your day etc.
> always telling me how much she appreciates me & how I’m 1 off the best their is, we’ve been out for a few car drives but my guard was up at all times for some reason, we hugged but nothing more, she bought me a few small gifts as I did her as well.
> We got on so well, her boyfriend left her just over a year ago & I’ve not long been out of my long term relationship. So we kept it like this while we got to know each other, she said she doesn’t want him back, just before Christmas I noticed his car at her house ( we live on the same block btw)they have children together which I understand he’s going to be there sometimes but he was there for like 5–6 days so we didn’t talk to each other while he was there, then she text me & asked me why I hadn’t text, I texted back & said I was just leaving you to it as he was there which she replied no problem & asked me if I would get her something from the shop while I was there & drop it round to her.
> when I got there he was still there but he was leaving her & she stood there & said it’s nice to see me & thanks for helping her she will text me later etc while he was still there, then I noticed she was hurting but telling me she wasn’t so I carried on as normal then a few weeks later he’s back but this time for 4–5 weeks again we didn’t speak he left again she texts me said sorry can we try again only this time things become more of an emotional connection, then several weeks later he’s back again, so I text her & said something doesn’t feel right I actually had a gut feeling I was being played or lied to. She text back & said ok that was that.
> ...


I have left my wife without the divorce is a delicate situation i don’t want my wife to hurt I’m finding it hard to tell her that I’ve moved on with the AP but regardless thanks for your reply


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@Detatchedfromlove 

Have you ever heard the phrase "It's cruel to be kind"? By not telling your wife that you have moved on when she finds out she will be more hurt because she will think you were playing her for a fool. Tell her already!


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I have left my wife without the divorce is a delicate situation i don’t want my wife to hurt I’m finding it hard to tell her that I’ve moved on with the AP but regardless thanks for your reply


Yeah, no sh!t, it's hard, but you need to tell her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Let’s forget the problems and feelings and issues, what do YOU want? Do you want to live with your AP and be happy? What are your plans moving forwards? Forget about who feels what for a second, what’s your clear ‘I want - - -‘.

And then how do you put this plan into action?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> saying she wants to end her life & to say she’s sorry for all we’ve been through, also for me to say good bye to our children for her as she can’t live without me anymore (heart completely sank) manipulation or not it hurt to see her upset like that, so much so that I’m now contemplating ending what I have with the new woman & being there for my wife even though I know things will be awful & it will hurt me being back in that situation that I’m so used to.


She is manipulating you. You are an enabler (not to mention a cheater). You two are not good for each other right now. If you really care about your wife and want to try again, you have to stand up to her. Tell her (and mean it) no more mind games, no BS, no drinking, get in AA. You go to al-anon or another co-dependency resource. You also need to get honest with her.

If not for yourselves, and even if you don't stay together, do this for your kids.


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