# PLEASE Help



## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I am in dire need of advise for my marriage. I feel like I am being controled by my husband. If I help my mom who is very sick he gets mad at me and won't talk to me. If I spend any money he gets really mad at me every though we never have to worry about it. He always says everything is my fault even if the baby gets sick if something goes wrong it is my fault or if his back hurts. Right now his back hurts and he says he can't do anything but he has the time to work on what he wants to. He says I am not allowed to have a credit card because we can't afford it. If the baby needs to go to the doctor then he just brushes it off. I am not happy in this marriage anymore and I don't what else to do. Please help me. Also he will not help me clean the house and take care of the baby or anything he says he has worked all day and is tired and doesn't want to. Then he gets mad at me if I don't get the house clean in between working and taking care of the baby.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Your husband is more then just controlling he could cost you or your child your health. If you are working he should be doing house work too, period. No matter who does what outside of the house he owes time to his child before himself.

Are you here to ask for divorce advice?

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

draconis said:


> Your husband is more then just controlling he could cost you or your child your health. If you are working he should be doing house work too, period. No matter who does what outside of the house he owes time to his child before himself.
> 
> Are you here to ask for divorce advice?
> 
> draconis


No I don't beleive in divorce so I am asking for ways to help save my marriage.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Get a marriage councilor, then again it is spending money. Otherwise I don't see this marriage progressing past where you are now.

He will not let you spend money. Yet you have money.
He is verbally abusive.
He makes you take care of the baby. Even though you work too.
He blames you for everything. Even his own ills.
He puts you and the babies health and well being at risk.

Are you trying to change him?

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

yes I want things to go back to the way they used to be when we were both happy.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

OKay that changes things, what major event happened about the time of his big change?

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

HIs parents moved here from Florida.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Do they live with you or just near you?

Does one parent have great influence over him?

How often do they come over or does he visit them?

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

They live near me. His mom has an influence over him but he wants to spend more time with his dad. They come over about every other day unless my mother in law comes over to babysit then it is everyday.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sounds like you are in a tough situation because they are a helping part of the family by helping to watch the kids.

Do you think his parents are stressing him out?

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

dheading said:


> No I don't beleive in divorce so I am asking for ways to help save my marriage.



Since you don't believe in divorce, I suggest you get your own bank account, that he has no access to, a job, and start building your life so that you can feel more secure within yourself. His silent treatment won't have nearly the impact it does right now, when you can turn your attention away from him and into your own hobbies, job, and other things that he cannot control.


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

yeah I think he is starting to take sides by saying I am acting just like his dad because I keep after him about having my truck back and he doesn't understand he thinks it is selfish of me.


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I have thought about that but I don't have a car right now because he takes it to work with him and I can't have it right now because his back and legs hurt to drive a stick but they feel fine when it comes to things that he wants to do. That is why I get so mad at him sometimes because he thinks it is all about me and nothing about him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How well do the two of you communicate?

Have you thought about "making" him do stuff around the house?

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I have asked him to help out around the house and all he says is that he does all the work. What happens is I clean the downstairs and he cleans the upstairs normally but now he won't even do that and I don't know what else to do. He works on what he wants to and thats it nothing else.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Stop doing his landry, then he will "have" to do it sometime.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I have thought about it but everytime I do he says he says that he won't go to work on that day because he has nothing to wear.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Look at him and say good since you are not going to be at work you can help me around the house. If you can go to work and do 8 hours there then you can spend those same eight hours in the house.

sooner or later he'll break.

draconis


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## atula (Nov 6, 2007)

How well is your rapport with your mother in law...have you spoken to her about the way her son sometimes behaves, she may be influencing him but if you become pally with her, then she may actually ask your husband to be more good to you and the kid...I know the trick works...


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

dheading said:


> I have thought about that but I don't have a car right now because he takes it to work with him and I can't have it right now because his back and legs hurt to drive a stick but they feel fine when it comes to things that he wants to do. That is why I get so mad at him sometimes because he thinks it is all about me and nothing about him.


What's the bus system like where you live? Finding alternatives is the key in this situation.


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I am very close to my mother-in-law. She does have some push wiht my husband. Ihave never thought about talking to her about it though.


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

The bus system here is not really good so I am not sure about that.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

Well it sounds like you aren't ready to make some tough choices. Perhaps you should let things go for a while, get past the holidays, then sit down and start planning.

If not, then you are consenting to your circumstances and they will continue.


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

That is what I have been thinking about lately. I have bee given a lot of thought and have been thinking that if I start anything now that wouldn't be good with the holidays here and all.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sounds like he wants to be "in charge" and deligate the work of the house to you.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

yeah that is what I keep thinking but he says his back always hurts so that is why he doesn't help any.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dheading said:


> yeah that is what I keep thinking but he says his back always hurts so that is why he doesn't help any.



Bring him to the doctor, either he will get what he needs or will be proven wrong but either way it is a win-win for you.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I have thought about that but I don't know how to get him to go peacefully.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dheading said:


> I have thought about that but I don't know how to get him to go peacefully.


Tell him you are worried and it could become a larger problem if it is not taken care of. That the worry is causing you stress and even if not for him then for you.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I think I might wait until after the first of the year because he is having back surgey.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dheading said:


> I think I might wait until after the first of the year because he is having back surgey.


Well if it is serious enough for surgery don't you think he might be telling the truth and it really does bother him around the house?

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

Yeah I do but he was like this before he got hurt. I try to help right now but I think he will go back to normal after the surgey and that is what I am afraid of.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dheading said:


> Yeah I do but he was like this before he got hurt. I try to help right now but I think he will go back to normal after the surgey and that is what I am afraid of.


I think you'll have to wait until after the surgery and the recovery time to see where he is going to be. Until then make a silent point that you will pick up the slack until he is better. DOn't overstate it though.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

That is what I was thinking. I am a little unsure about things though. What do you mean by Don't overstate it?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

In other words say something to the effect "I know you are sore from the surgery so I'll do the house because I know once you are better you will be helping me out around the house."

It let's him know you are willing to do it now but you expect him to help out later.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

I will try that I am not going to hold my breathe about it but I will try it and see what happens.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I wish you the best of luck, I hope you keep us informed. Maybe other people can throw a few other ideas out here too.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

He has gotten worse since his surgey. He now will not let me leave the house and go the store with my mom so I can some time away. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping and he won't let me go out and start without him but he wants to wait until the day before. We fight a lot more now because he thinks that I am wonder woman and can take care of him the baby, and keep the house clean. He also says that I am fat because all I do is eat sweets for a snack while I am working. He also says that I am ungreatful when people do things for me. I am about at my wits end and do not know what else to do.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

At this point it sounds like you need to rescue yourself and get out. The three most important words in the world are "I AM SOMEBODY" remember that please...........


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

kajira said:


> At this point it sounds like you need to rescue yourself and get out. The three most important words in the world are "I AM SOMEBODY" remember that please...........


that is what I would like to do. I would love to go out with my mom every once and awhile but he calls me every 20 min. that I am out. I have thought about taking off one day before I start work for a couple of hours but every time that I do all he ask me is that I need to stay home and take care of him. He is perfectly able to take care of himself now.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like he is co-dependent and just needs somebody and right now you fill the void. Has he always seemed clingy?

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

draconis said:


> It sounds like he is co-dependent and just needs somebody and right now you fill the void. Has he always seemed clingy?
> 
> draconis


no not always.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Not to sound harsh by any means but are you his Mother or his wife? If he can not appreciate who you are and the sacrifices you have made because you do care, then you do not need to be there. If you do go out, there is no rule that says you are required to answer your phone.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Or leave the phone at home, when he calls he can answer it himself.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

He is drivning me crazy because he doesn't like the wayI clean things and says ineed to go and see a doctor because I can't finish anything. I don't know what to do anymore I am at the point where I would rather be in a different room than him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dheading said:


> He is drivning me crazy because he doesn't like the wayI clean things and says ineed to go and see a doctor because I can't finish anything. I don't know what to do anymore I am at the point where I would rather be in a different room than him.


Why are you still with him?

If he drives you that crazy then start staying in a different room he'll get the message quick.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

draconis said:


> Why are you still with him?
> 
> If he drives you that crazy then start staying in a different room he'll get the message quick.
> 
> draconis


I have thought about that right now I am counting down the days until he goes back to work. I don't want to leave him just yet because of my son and I know the affect that has on kids because I have been there. I am holding on to hope that once he goes back to work he will change.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dheading said:


> I have thought about that right now I am counting down the days until he goes back to work. I don't want to leave him just yet because of my son and I know the affect that has on kids because I have been there. I am holding on to hope that once he goes back to work he will change.



If he is to change then he needs professional help. Get a therapist and or a psycologist. Thinking he will evolve over night is an ultra slim hope.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

He has changed since he has been home. He is more willing to help out around the house and help in cooking dinner. So he has gotten a little better now I just hope it stays this way. He is going back to work tomorrow.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dheading said:


> He has changed since he has been home. He is more willing to help out around the house and help in cooking dinner. So he has gotten a little better now I just hope it stays this way. He is going back to work tomorrow.



I hope you keep us up to date.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

Just giving you an update and asking you a question. My son is turning one on Sunday and yesterday he got away from my mother-in-law and starting climbing my stairs. She couldn't get him down because she can't carry him down the stairs. He can't even walk yet. When she got her today I talked to her about it and she took it well and understood but my father-in-law blew up on me. He told her that he wanted to take my son to his house. He doesn't have a car seat in his van and it won't fit anyway. I offered to put a gate up for my mother-in-law so that is doesn't happen again and she said sure. My question is how do I talk to my husband about what his dad told me? He also said that my son was going to go up the stairs anyway and again I told him that my husband and I don't want him any where near the stairs.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like your father in law is in the wrong. Even in the slimmest of chance a child could get hurt it simply isn't worth the risk. Tell you husband that yours and his first priority is and should be to your child. That you offered a solution and it wasn't well recieved.

He needs to stand up for his wife here.

draconis


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## dheading (Nov 16, 2007)

Is there some way I can tell my husband without getting into a big fight?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I guess it all depends on the level of communication in your relationship.

If I was in a situation and were I was afraid it might backfire I might tell him like this.

"You know that protecting our children is the most important thing we can do. You know I love your parents and all but lets face it if little X climbs the stairs your mother can not retrieve him and bring him down. I am afraid that X might fall down the steps and get really hurt, so I suggested we buy them a baby gate. Your mother seemed fine with it but your father wanted nothing to do with it. I hope you can get your dad on our side because I think it is important for the kids to really know their grandparents the best they can."

draconis


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