# Need Truthful, Blunt Honesty



## MKN1990

So my wife and I have been married for almost 2 years, and she is the absolute love of my life and to me none of it makes sense without here. But it’s been a struggle since before day 1. We did not have a very pleasant engagement period due to many factors, obviously planning a wedding is stressful for a woman. Regardless though, there were situations that occurred that made me truly feel as if this wedding feel down wasn’t about she and I starting our life together because we love each other, but more so it was her show for HER. 

Don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of the wedding is about the woman, but still it’s ultimately about you two. Needless to say, we had a VERY rough period before the wedding as we constantly fought. But, we went through with it anyway, and ever since we’ve spent at least 85% of our marriage not getting along, and it absolutely kills me. My personal opinion, and yes we have gone to counseling which I don’t think worked, is that she cares more about being in this with me due to it being an easy and convenient living arrangement rather than because she loves me and wants to spend life together. One of the biggest issues I have is that I don’t feel she respects me at all. Often times when I try to discuss the non-negotiables of our marriage (making time for each other and for our own individual selves, having open lines of communication, and making time for each other in the bedroom, at least those are what I feel they are) she tells me to “quite being a *****” or “stop being a *****.” 

I’ve tried to be reasonable and polite and say to her please stop talking to me that way, but it doesn’t seem to work as it still happens. It’s also not uncommon for her to take an attitude if we go out and just start saying things that there’s no reason to say and get worked up about. The last several months have been bad (outside of the vacation we took with my family and the couple weeks after), to the point where she lives in the morning and sometimes won’t say goodbye or even give me a kiss. It’s the same also in the evening, no goodnight sometimes, no nothing. Even though she’s started a new job, I’ve been very supportive of it since it’s a transition, but it’s been months since we’ve had any physical intimacy in her bedroom. 

Its like she makes no effort and always has an excuse for it, rather than just making it a priority like it should be. I also believe one of her flaws to be hypocracy, as she will sometimes hold me to a double standard that she’s also guilty of (she was 5 sizes bigger when we met and I never held it against her, and now that she’s lost weight she thinks that she has the right to tell me I look distgusting, I’ve gained 10 lbs in 3 years and of course this impacts our sex life). 

Sorry for the long rant, but what should I do? Am I honestly being a *****?


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## Lostinthought61

do you call her out when she says things like that to you....do you tell her that all the years she was over weigh you never once called her names....shame her back.


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## sokillme

It's like anything else most people will go as low as you let them. Besides that women don't respect weak men, it make them feel unsafe. You need to have boundaries and consequences. Sounds like your wife is a bully the only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them. It has to be more uncomfortable for her to treat you like crap then for her to do it. 

You can do all of this with a respectful tone but you have to tell her to cut it out or your marriage will fail. Maybe not in a year or 5 years but the dynamic you report here is one that will eventually lead to divorce. You need to get a hold of it now before you have had enough, it's getting close as you are posting on here. Besides that women who treat their husbands like that eventually lose all respect for them and who knows where that goes. It's like they are testing them to see if they are strong enough to stand up to them, and in the process stand up for them. Personally I think it's bull ****, but then again any time anyone talks to me disrespectful to me I tell them they only get to do that once. Usually it stops.

Besides all that check your phone bill. Often times spouses who are cheating end up treating their spouse like crap I think because of the guilt. Besides that a substantial amount of weight loss is often a precursor to infidelity. Sorry to go to the worst scenario but it happens a lot. 

Finally maybe it's time for you to decide if you want to live like this. You don't have too much invested into this relationship yet. No kids, pretty much just started. Marriage shouldn't be like you described. Your wife may just not be marriage material. Frankly she sounds like an *******. Whatever you do don't have a kid with her until this is solved!


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## Beach123

I think your wife is being a terrible wife.

You need to tell her that!

She talks terrible to you and criticizes you - that's not right when you say you love someone.

And there you are begging her fora healthy marriage and she's belittling you? No can do!

You need to tell her if she's not willing to participate ina kind and loving manner then you will divorce her!

You need to show her that you will not tolerate her treating you terribly. And that you expect more out of marriage (including sex on a regular basis). If she can't fulfill her vows then end it!

Honestly, what you're describing sounds like most women when they are ready to cheat. Start checking her phone and make sure she's not!


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## sunsetmist

She is mean, disrespectful, hypocritical, and withholds sex--plus a few other 'goodies'. Yet she is the absolute love of your life? What do you love about her? If I were you, I would be angry and second-guessing my choice of wife.

Has anything happened to change her behavior or has she always been like this? Does she get along with friends and family? Has she ever had any traumatic events in her life?

I'm wondering if she is trying to be so difficult that you will give-up on the marriage?


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## Luminous

Stand your ground. You don't have to yell, in fact it makes an even better point if you don't, but be VERY firm and unwavering. Think of it from Nature's perspective: What happens when the predator realises they have picked a prey that stands up to them? They back off for fear of being hurt and find someone else they can more easily dominate

We may be human but those base reactions/instincts are still within us, and women generally are more in tune to this then men (at least early on). You stand up for yourself, and don't back down, you might be surprised what comes of it.

Also, keep in mind that she might also just be a *****. I don't mean that as an insult, more that she may end up respecting you, but her base personality does not value what you do.

Either way, be firm, be fair, but don't take anymore of her ****. Regardless of where this goes, you get into the habit of standing up for yourself, it will give you a far better quality of life, better self confidence/worth, and a better overall understanding of yourself.

Footnote: standing up for yourself may result in her trying tactics to undermine your resolve (i.e. withholding sex/affection, not participating in things that bring you happiness/joy). If you do this (and I hope you do), brace yourself for it to happen. People will do some pretty cruel **** when they feel their power/status in the relationship is threatened.


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## Maxwedge 413

She is a *B*. You are acting like a *P*.


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## SunCMars

The first two years of marriage is the honeymoon 'period'.

Then becomes the 'more' difficult 'period'.

This next 'period' is the unending monthly bloody one.

Skip that 'period'.



Lick your wounds, get divorced pronto,Tonto.


Just Sayin'



The Martian-


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## 2ntnuf

Do not get her pregnant. Get a lawyer and sue for divorce, irreconcilable differences sounds about right. Time to move on.


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## MKN1990

I’ve made it a point to say to her before how it’s hypocritical to call me out for something like that especially when my weight isn’t to the same degree that hers was. I’ve said “how would you have liked it I had treated you that way” and she replies with “I would have wanted you to tell me my weight was an issue.” Ya, okay. Go ahead and tell a woman that her size is an issue and I guarantee that’s the last of her you will ever see. But she refuses to take any ownership at all and just say “yeah you know what that’s not right for me to do.” You don’t even have to say it, just make it right.


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## 2ntnuf

You two are living on pins and needles. You've been to counseling and it hasn't worked. I'm guessing neither of you are putting in the effort at this point. You've hurt each other too much.


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## MKN1990

So here’s my issue, I’ve often times in the past let her get away with stuff that I to this day can’t believe I did. I should have been far more firm and put my foot down and I regret not doing it. So at this point I’m nkt sure what consequences to give her. 

The car she drives is in my name as is our house, both of which I used my money on for the down payments. So I’ve been considering telling her that she needs to pack a bag for the evening or whatever leave the keys to the house and car and not come back until she learns to be respectful. But honestly with how tough things have been I think it would just cause her to do something like cheat or leave entirely. The other issue is this: the way we were raised is very different. From how she makes it sound she feels I was given A LOT of emotional support growing up (and maybe I was but nonetheless I do know the world is out to do you any favors), far more than she was. 

So she tries to tell me that I was “babied” and I almost feel like she feels the need to be sometimes rude and disrespectful to me to teach me a lesson or something. Or that I don’t deserve her respect/have to earn it because I was given more support emotionally which I don’t agree with at all because we are married and respect and love and support should unconditional in my book. I’ll admit I have said some things to her before that I shouldn’t have that are disrespectful, like the b word, which I’m ashamed of, but was only said out of retaliation for her being rude. As far as how she goes around others like family and friends, she’s great. She’s the woman I know and fell in love with and that’s why I’m with her. She’s independent and strong and outgoing, but that’s not the woman that I get or have received a majority of the time in our relationship. 

Regarding cheating, she says she never has and during one of our last arguennts she said that slemtines she wants to just to prove to hope that it feels bad for me. Unfortunately I’ve asked her a lot of times in our relationship if she’s having an affair due to my own insecurities but also due to a lot of things she’s said and done that make me question if she really cares and loves me or not. As much ask love my wife she is absolutely one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met and in my opinion has a big issue with taking responsibility and saying sorry for when she’s wrong. And that’s not something I noticed personally, it’s sometging her brother told me before we got married.


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## 2ntnuf

So, she's telling you that you are not a mature man. She thinks you are a man boy or something. 

You can't retaliate. That's what consequences are for. 

Probably, you are insecure because she is better at handling everyday things, you are not good at. Probably, she has to lead at times and doesn't want that. You'll have to learn to be a more responsible person, then you will take care fo things without asking her. A few things, will ned discussed, but thye are not how to do this or that which is just something you need to do without talking about it.

Just guessing. 

You may never be strong enough for her. That's okay. Find a woman who does want you. 

Read "No More Mister Nice Guy". It will help. Read "Hold on to your N.U.T.S.".


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## MKN1990

sunsetmist said:


> She is mean, disrespectful, hypocritical, and withholds sex--plus a few other 'goodies'. Yet she is the absolute love of your life? What do you love about her? If I were you, I would be angry and second-guessing my choice of wife.
> 
> Has anything happened to change her behavior or has she always been like this? Does she get along with friends and family? Has she ever had any traumatic events in her life?
> 
> I'm wondering if she is trying to be so difficult that you will give-up on the marriage?



So with family and friends she’s great, she’s the woman I fell in love with. She treats all then with the respect that I ask her to and she’s not rude. That said there hasn’t been anything traumatic that’s happened to her, at least not that’s shes ever told me. We were obviously great during the first year and half that we started dating but it seems like this occurred around the time we got engaged. 

She tries to put it in me that I’m selfish because I don’t see anything that she does (cook, clean, dishes, and I will say that lately she has made a much better effort when it comes to being involved with my dads side of my family). In her mind I truly believe that she feels that if it’s not her problem then she shouldn’t have to worry about it, and I’m not sure if that’s the manner that she was raised, but it drives me absolutely insane. Sure, some things you have to deal with yourself, but as a husband/wife you should care if your spouse is trying to discuss issues that involve the foundation of a healthy marriage. 

It’s extemely unfortunate because I’m the one who has spent thousands of dollars from my inheritance for us to start a life (the wedding, new car, down payment on the house, etc) because being with the real her the rest of my life is legit what I want, I’m the one who has strain on the relationship with his moms side of the family due to this marriage, ans while I won’t say that that’s all her fault because my mom put more pressure on this than there should be, she does contribute to the problem. Although the last time my mom was in town my wife was willing to get together for dinner or have her over to our home so I take that as a good sign. 

But I’m the one who’s working in a dead end job because we needed a level of income to make our mortgage work, and the idea of sacrificing all that for someone I love and who in my opinion SHOULD be honoring our marriage much better than she has, is absolutely terrifying to me. Especially later down the road when I’m going to have to see her be out with another man knowing that she’s treating him the same way I always wanted her to treat me. It’s almost like she would get to walk away with a couple scratches while I would be bruised and bloodied and I think that’s crap to do to someone who you agreed to marry (regardless of the health of our relationship at the time). 

It’s like this: “ you entered in to this, you knew the expectation, and now you’re mad that I’m trying to hold you accountable for those.” Doesn’t feel good to me at all.


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## MKN1990

2ntnuf said:


> So, she's telling you that you are not a mature man. She thinks you are a man boy or something.
> 
> You can't retaliate. That's what consequences are for.
> 
> Probably, you are insecure because she is better at handling everyday things, you are not good at. Probably, she has to lead at times and doesn't want that. You'll have to learn to be a more responsible person, then you will take care fo things without asking her. A few things, will ned discussed, but thye are not how to do this or that which is just something you need to do without talking about it.
> 
> Just guessing.
> 
> You may never be strong enough for her. That's okay. Find a woman who does want you.
> 
> Read "No More Mister Nice Guy". It will help. Read "Hold on to your N.U.T.S.".



I’m absolutely capable of handling my own issues, but it’s the issues that she has a part in that she needs to realize she needs to help with. I feel I’ve been very fair and good to her. Have I been the perfect husband and always said the right thing, absolutely not. But I take ownership of that because I do care about being a better man for her. What I have a hard time with is dealing with some of the things she’s said and done before and then seeing her make little effort on the important healthy pieces of a marriage, at least the ones in my opinion. Anything else though, I can absolutely deal with on my own. I’ve had to watch my home burn down before in the past and part of my immediate family lives 5000 miles away, so I’m very sure I can handle my own issues. My struggle now is deciding what consequences to enact if this keeps occurring.


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## Livvie

This will not end well. This isn't just a tangle that you two will get through, this is: her personality is such that you won't ever have a good relationship. She does not sound like marriage material.


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## sokillme

I think a better question you need to be asking is why you are willing to live and seemly give your "love" to someone who abuses you. Your response to this shows there is something wrong. Even when you say you love her, I personally don't believe you can have love without some accountability to how you are treated. When people talk about how they love someone who abuses them I don't think that is love, but more like desperation. 

Your response to her is not healthy. I suspect she probably has some sort of personality disorder, that is a very hard thing. You have very little time invested I would think very seriously about moving on from this abusive person. But maybe you need to get healthy first. 

Look up The Narcissist Abuse Syndrome or even better the Human Magnet Syndrome.


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## TJW

MKN1990 said:


> My struggle now is deciding what consequences to enact if this keeps occurring.


Don't struggle over this, not for one second. Just do what you need to do FOR YOU, and don't worry about the consequences for her.



MKN1990 said:


> I’m the one who has spent thousands of dollars from my inheritance for us to start a life (the wedding, new car, down payment on the house, etc) But I’m the one who’s working in a dead end job because we needed a level of income to make our mortgage work, and the idea of sacrificing all that for someone I love and who in my opinion SHOULD be honoring our marriage much better than she has, is absolutely terrifying to me.


Well, my friend....you should be terrified. You are "plan B provider guy" to her. She may not have a "plan A" right now, but I assure you, it is a vacated office that she WILL find someone to fill....he will, if he hasn't already, come along..... 



MKN1990 said:


> someone I love and who in my opinion SHOULD be honoring our marriage much better than she has


I agree with you....she "should" be.....but, the FACT is, she isn't.....and, in my humble (yet accurate) opinion, she will NEVER honor your marriage, nor respect you as you deserve to be respected. And, make no mistake about it, you DO DESERVE to be respected.

My advice to you is this....stop sacrificing. Go get the job you want, live where you want, do what you want. As for her, she can either like it, or leave it.
Don't "enact" any consequences. Just ALLOW consequences. Stop standing "in the gap". Let her shoulder HER OWN responsibility to earn HER OWN living.

I made a horrible mistake with my life. All my life, I wanted to study music at the collegiate level. But, I had kids, responsibility, wife, etc. I sacrificed my life for 2.4 kids and a white picket fence, that was HER dream and HER desires. I worked myself up to passing the entrance criteria, and got accepted into a very good school, but it was 800 miles away. 

Her reply to that news was "....I'm not going to live in a dormitory..."....mind you, I never asked her to do that.... I was willing to provide housing, food, etc, for us, she would not have been living in a dormitory. But, she would have probably been living at a lower "standard"....

There it was....in all it's radiant glory....DISRESPECT...entitlement....wanting me to support her, but being unwilling to support me. My reply to her reply SHOULD have been "...I don't give a carpenter's damn if you live on the phucking street..." I'm going....you have the choice to stay right where you are, but, if you do, the taxes, water, sewer, maintenance, is going to have to be paid. You are not going to live in a dormitory, and I am NOT GOING TO PAY any of that. Bye....

Please, don't make my mistake with your life....


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## sunsetmist

MKN1990 said:


> So here’s my issue, I’ve often times in the past let her get away with stuff that I to this day can’t believe I did. I should have been far more firm and put my foot down and I regret not doing it. So at this point I’m nkt sure what consequences to give her. The car she drives is in my name as is our house, both of which I used my money on for the down payments. So I’ve been considering telling her that she needs to pack a bag for the evening or whatever leave the keys to the house and car and not come back until she learns to be respectful. But honestly with how tough things have been I think it would just cause her to do something like cheat or leave entirely. The other issue is this: the way we were raised is very different. From how she makes it sound she feels I was given A LOT of emotional support growing up (and maybe I was but nonetheless I do know the world is out to do you any favors), far more than she was. So she tries to tell me that I was “babied” and I almost feel like she feels the need to be sometimes rude and disrespectful to me to teach me a lesson or something. Or that I don’t deserve her respect/have to earn it because I was given more support emotionally which I don’t agree with at all because we are married and respect and love and support should unconditional in my book. I’ll admit I have said some things to her before that I shouldn’t have that are disrespectful, like the b word, which I’m ashamed of, but was only said out of retaliation for her being rude. As far as how she goes around others like family and friends, she’s great. She’s the woman I know and fell in love with and that’s why I’m with her. She’s independent and strong and outgoing, but that’s not the woman that I get or have received a majority of the time in our relationship. Regarding cheating, she says she never has and during one of our last arguennts she said that slemtines she wants to just to prove to hope that it feels bad for me. Unfortunately I’ve asked her a lot of times in our relationship if she’s having an affair due to my own insecurities but also due to a lot of things she’s said and done that make me question if she really cares and loves me or not. As much ask love my wife she is absolutely one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met and in my opinion has a big issue with taking responsibility and saying sorry for when she’s wrong. And that’s not something I noticed personally, it’s sometging her brother told me before we got married.


Ohhh. I got a colossal case of the cringeys when I read about how much you have invested financially. Talk to a lawyer just to find out laws applicable to your marriage. What you think is yours, may not be, even if you paid and are named as owner.

IMO: You love the one she appeared to be in early dating or with others--the mask she wears to present herself favorably to the world. Read up on personality disorders and see if anything resonates with you.

Marriage is not a competition that says 'do it my way or you will be sorry.' You both have controlling tendencies whether or not this is the path you are sure is the way to success. Watch your mouth even if she does not. Diatribes elicit rebellion and eventual destruction.

I'd like to see you both fully participate in IC and then, after a long period of work, MC. Make sure you find respected therapists who specialize in the fields you are addressing.

Blessings and good luck.


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## oldshirt

If you think standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be disrespected and abused will cause her to leave or cheat, then you really don't have a wife in the first place. 

If she has that much disrespect and disregard for you, then she is just going to cheat and leave eventually anyway because women can't respect men that allow themselves to be bullied and manipulated and they can't desire a man they don't respect. 

Start pulling up your man-pants and don't allow yourself to be mistreated and abused, and if doing so causes her to cheat or leave, then let her go. 


I agree with the others that say she is completely unlovable and that you fell for the fake façade that she presented when you met and the fake façade she presents in public. 

Anyone can fake being a decent person for short, temporary periods of time. How she treats you day in and day out when no one else is watching is what is real.

Being like a chameleon and changing personalities depending on if others are watching is a sign of a personality disorder and that is not something that can be 'fixed.' 

Absolutely DO NOT! have children with her!!! 

If you want to save your sanity and your soul, then divorce is inevitable here. You want that to be as quick and painless and affordable as possible so absolutely do not bring children into this and do not buy any more big-ticket items even if they are only in your name. 

It's pretty inevitable that she is going to cheat with someone else at some point soon if she has not already. And it is inevitable that she is either going to just pack bags and leave one day or that will have had enough and you will end it. 

Start preparing for that day now. 

See a lawyer and gather facts and figures on what your rights and your responsibilities will be in an divorce and find out how to best protect yourself and your assets. 

She will not fight fair and will not just walk away without trying to take as much as she can and without leaving as much scorched earth behind her. 

You got played here. She isn't what you thought she was and she isn't what she is capable of pretending to be at times.


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## BluesPower

Dude you did not need to write anything more than your first post. 

Yes you have a complete puss, not doubt about it, totally weak. You were foolish for marrying her in the first place. 

You need to file for divorce yesterday, or the day before. Chalk it up to you being stupid, learn from this and start anew. 

And learn your worth as a man. If you are a good guy, stable, you should realize that you deserve way, way better than you got. 

Oh, and sex in HER bed room, are you kidding me? You are joking right? 

No man, file and get out now...


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## jlg07

"Regarding cheating, she says she never has and during one of our last arguennts she said that slemtines she wants to just to prove to hope that it feels bad for me. "

Tell her that if she does, you will divorce her so fast her head will spin. Yes, you will feel bad, but SHE will also feel bad facing the consequences of her actions, and YOU will eventually be better, while she will still be a cheater.

You need to make sure that there ARE consequences to sh*t she does and I think you need to be a bit more forceful in how you deal with her -- you are letting her walk all over you.

I agree with the above: Do NOT get her pregnant, and you should check with a lawyer about all the money you've spent on the cars/house and how it would be divided. Not saying yet that you need to divorce, but you need to get the information you need so that if it DOES happen, she won't be able to snow you or bully you.


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## Tatsuhiko

Separate your bank accounts first thing tomorrow. File for divorce and have her served without informing her in advance. Tell her the process can be stopped if she can demonstrate the ability to be a respectful, loving partner. Anything short of that, and the divorce becomes final.


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## EleGirl

@MKN1990

Please use more paragraphs when you post. It's hard to read a huge block of text. For that reason, a lot of people will not read what you posted.

I've added paragraphs to your posts so that more people will read them.


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## EleGirl

How long before you got married did you buy the car and the house?


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## EleGirl

How old are you and your wife?


MKN1990 said:


> So here’s my issue, I’ve often times in the past let her get away with stuff that I to this day can’t believe I did.


You might want to re-read the above sentence. It makes no sense.

Do you mean that she accuses you of things that you don’t believe that you have done? If so, could you give us examples of 2 or three of these things she accuses you of?




MKN1990 said:


> I should have been far more firm and put my foot down and I regret not doing it. So at this point I’m nkt sure what consequences to give her.


I think that the problem here is that you don’t know how to put your foot down. In marriage, you need to set your boundaries. Boundaries are what you will put up with and how you will respond when a boundary is crossed. They are about how you will behave, not how to get the other person to do what you want them to do. I one of your boundaries is crossed, you take action accordingly. It’s about you, not her.

You might want to search on amazon.com for books about setting boundaries and how to keep your boundaries.

Boundary: If will not stay in a relationship in which my spouses falsely accuses me of doing things. I will end the relationship if this happens.

You tell her that you will not put up with this. You went to counseling with her to address it. After all that, if the behavior persists, the only think you can do to stop being falsely accused is to leave the relationship. If you do not leave the relationship, you are giving her permission to falsely accuse you of things. And your “boundary” just becomes the passive aggressive whining of someone who will not actually hold up their own supposed boundary.



MKN1990 said:


> The car she drives is in my name as is our house, both of which I used my money on for the down payments. So I’ve been considering telling her that she needs to pack a bag for the evening or whatever leave the keys to the house and car and not come back until she learns to be respectful.


Before you do anything like trying to take the car away and kick her out of the home, you need to talk to an attorney. I doubt that you can kick her out of the house. It’s her legal residence and the marital home. You have not right to kick her out. If she relies on that to get to work or school, the court/judge might not look very kindly on you for taking away her transportation. You two are married. At the very least, it would take a court order to kick her out of the house and few judges would even consider doing it if she is not a danger to you.

You can try to kick her out and take the car away from you. But it could blow up on you… especially if she responds by filing for divorce.

I think you should talk to an attorney before you do anything like this.



MKN1990 said:


> But honestly with how tough things have been I think it would just cause her to do something like cheat or leave entirely.


Yea, she might. But if you are not willing to rock the board and destabilize the current situation, it will not change. Your relationship sounds terrible. If she were to end up leaving you, why would that be a bad thing? You’d have your self-esteem and peace back.



MKN1990 said:


> The other issue is this: the way we were raised is very different. From how she makes it sound she feels I was given A LOT of emotional support growing up (and maybe I was but nonetheless I do know the world is out to do you any favors), far more than she was. So she tries to tell me that I was “babied” and I almost feel like she feels the need to be sometimes rude and disrespectful to me to teach me a lesson or something. Or that I don’t deserve her respect/have to earn it because I was given more support emotionally which I don’t agree with at all because we are married and respect and love and support should unconditional in my book.


So, she has no respect for you. I’m not sure that you have all that much respect for yourself since you don’t have boundaries and/or you don’t enforce them.


MKN1990 said:


> I’ll admit I have said some things to her before that I shouldn’t have that are disrespectful, like the b word, which I’m ashamed of, but was only said out of retaliation for her being rude.


Ok, not cool. Since I’m not prevy to what she said that was so rude that you feel justified calling her a *****, I don’t know what to say about this except that if my husband ever called me a *****, it would be the end of our marriage.

Can you give a couple of examples of what she was doing that was rude that you felt you needed to call her a ***** or other derogatory terms?


MKN1990 said:


> As far as how she goes around others like family and friends, she’s great. She’s the woman I know and fell in love with and that’s why I’m with her. She’s independent and strong and outgoing, but that’s not the woman that I get or have received a majority of the time in our relationship.


There are some people who behavior very well in public and with friends/family. But at home, behind closed doors they are abusive. That’s why abuse is usually so hard to prove. It’s usually done in private. The fact that she controls this behavior with everyone but you, means that she has 100% control over it.

You might want to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on your person, hidden. This will allow you to get her verbal attacks on recording. Get a of these incidents on recording. Then if you can do thing like let her listen to what she sounds like. And if you ever need proof that she’s emotionally/verbally abusive in private, you have it.



MKN1990 said:


> Regarding cheating, she says she never has and during one of our last arguennts she said that slemtines she wants to just to prove to hope that it feels bad for me. Unfortunately I’ve asked her a lot of times in our relationship if she’s having an affair due to my own insecurities but also due to a lot of things she’s said and done that make me question if she really cares and loves me or not.


Ok, constantly falsely accusing your spouse of cheating is a form of emotional abuse. You need to stop that. Maybe it would help you to get into counseling and get some help with your insecurities and your inability to set healthy boundaries and enforce them in your life.


MKN1990 said:


> As much ask love my wife she is absolutely one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met and in my opinion has a big issue with taking responsibility and saying sorry for when she’s wrong. And that’s not something I noticed personally, it’s sometging her brother told me before we got married.


It takes two tango. An argument can only happen if both of you engage in the argument. While your wife sounds like an awful person to be married to, you have some problems too. You have said there that you engage in angry outburst with her, name calling, and often falsely accuse her of cheating. Not good at all. I bring this up not to put you down, but as a lead in to something that I think might help you get your marriage on track. 
What is it? Simple… You need to set the boundary for yourself that you will not engage in arguments, angry outbursts, name calling, etc. Forget about what she does. You can only control yourself. You can only change yourself. So, focus on yourself.

Ok, so you will no longer engage in angry outburst. How do you enforce this boundary? I call it the “STOP” method. Do not ever again engage in an angry outburst again. Instead, when you can tell that an discussion is going to explode into an angry confrontation, you stop engaging with her. What you do is to put your hand up in the “stop” hand signal. And say firmly “ STOP!”. If she tries to continue, repeat the “STOP!” hand signal and word a time or two more. Then walk away. Go to some place quiet by yourself. 
Talk to her before you start this. When you two can talk like civilized adults, tell her that you will no longer engage in these angry outbursts because they are destroying your relationship. That you will do the “STOP” thing. That means that until the two of you can calm down and talk about the topic thoughtfully the discussion is over. Tell her that you are responsible for calming yourself down and she is responsible for calming herself down. 

If you walk away and she tries to follow you to continue the outburst, go to a room and lock yourself in. If she continues yelling through the door, call 911. This is a perfect time to have that VAR running. Stay locked in the room until the police show up and have them come to the room and only open that room door when a police officer is at the room door. Get the police to show up and tell her that if you do not want to talk, she has to respect that.

I did this with a husband who was a lot like your wife, only he had escalated it to physical abuse. So, the angry outbursts often ended with me getting hurt. I read about this is a book, “The Dance of Anger”. Before talking to him about this I practiced the “STOP” routine in front of a mirror, remembering discussions that blew up and practiced the “STOP” hand-sign/word response until it was automatic. Then I talked to him about it. And then I followed through. From that time on, if a discussion between us started to escalate it would do the “STOP” thing. He got to the point that he would just grab his bike helmet and ride his bike for about an hour. When he came back he was calm. And we had both through things through and could talk.

It worked. We did divorce about a year after that due to his infidelity when I discovered it. Btu for that last year there were no more angry outbursts.

What I learned is that I was part of the problem. When he would escalate a discussion to anger, I would continue to engage with him, trying to calm things down, trying to explain myself and why he was wrong, etc., etc. The fact is that he was just angry and wanted to use me as his verbal (and eventually physical) punching bag to work out his anger. Once I started the “STOP” thing, he had to find another way to do that. 

Stop engaging her in these arguments. You have 100% control over whether or not the awful arguments, name calling, etc. continue in your relationship. That’s how you set a boundary and enforce it.


----------



## turnera

The problem here is that you are not standing up for yourself -in the right way. Get this took. Read it cover to cover. Then come back and tell us what you learned: No More Mr Nice Guy.

You can download it if you don't want to buy a hardcopy.


----------



## EleGirl

MKN1990 said:


> So with family and friends she’s great, she’s the woman I fell in love with. She treats all then with the respect that I ask her to and she’s not rude. That said there hasn’t been anything traumatic that’s happened to her, at least not that’s shes ever told me. We were obviously great during the first year and half that we started dating but it seems like this occurred around the time we got engaged.


So she was great for the first year and a half. That’s predictable. When a couple first falls in love, they are in what is called the infatuation stage. What’s that? That’s the time frame when biology has them bounding, meaning that both of your brains are producing and updating all kinds of feel good hormones – dopamine, oxytocin and others. Basically you are both on a high that is similar to the high that you get from cocaine… but it’s focused on each other. You see each other through rose colored glasses. It’s very normal to ignore each other’s bad traits and for you each to be on your best behavior. Then at about the 18-24 months’ time frame the brain returns to normal in production/uptake of these hormones. In biology (think cave days), the purpose of this is for a couple to stay together long enough to for the female to get pregnant, have a baby and have the guy help her for a few months.

At some time between the 18- and 24-month mark, what happens is exactly what happened in your relationship. You see each other for who they really are and suddenly both people are no longer putting on a show of extra good behavior. This is why no one should get engaged before 18 months or married before knowing each other for 2-3 years.


MKN1990 said:


> She tries to put it in me that I’m selfish because I don’t see anything that she does (cook, clean, dishes,


Does she have a job outside the home? Or is she a stay-at-home wife (SAHW)?


MKN1990 said:


> and I will say that lately she has made a much better effort when it comes to being involved with my dads side of my family).


What does being involved in your dad’s side of the family have to do with her feeling like you don’t see the things that she does?

What do you want her to do to be more involved with your dad’s side of the family?


MKN1990 said:


> In her mind I truly believe that she feels that if it’s not her problem then she shouldn’t have to worry about it, and I’m not sure if that’s the manner that she was raised, but it drives me absolutely insane. Sure, some things you have to deal with yourself, but as a husband/wife you should care if your spouse is trying to discuss issues that involve the foundation of a healthy marriage.


I’m trying to figure out what you are talking about here. Where are the things that you want to talk about that she feel are not her problem?


MKN1990 said:


> It’s extemely unfortunate because I’m the one who has spent thousands of dollars from my inheritance for us to start a life (the wedding, new car, down payment on the house, etc) because being with the real her the rest of my life is legit what I want, I’m the one who has strain on the relationship with his moms side of the family due to this marriage, ans while I won’t say that that’s all her fault because my mom put more pressure on this than there should be, she does contribute to the problem. Although the last time my mom was in town my wife was willing to get together for dinner or have her over to our home so I take that as a good sign.


It sounds like you feel that there was an unfair burden on you to use your inheritance/finances to get a house, car, etc.

What if anything did she contribute financially to the marriage?

If you resent having using your inheritance for these things, why did you do it? Perhaps you need to see an attorney to find out how to establish that the down payment on the house is your sole property. You really should have done that before you married. Just keeping very good financial records showing the source of the funds might be enough.


MKN1990 said:


> But I’m the one who’s working in a dead end job because we needed a level of income to make our mortgage work, and the idea of sacrificing all that for someone I love and who in my opinion SHOULD be honoring our marriage much better than she has, is absolutely terrifying to me. Especially later down the road when I’m going to have to see her be out with another man knowing that she’s treating him the same way I always wanted her to treat me. It’s almost like she would get to walk away with a couple scratches while I would be bruised and bloodied and I think that’s crap to do to someone who you agreed to marry (regardless of the health of our relationship at the time).


Um, if you divorce now, she will not be entitled to much of anything out of the house or any alimony. 
As for her treating another man better than she treats you, why would you think that would happen? She’s going to treat any man she dates/marries the same way she treats you. You might not see her do it because she mistreats him behind closed doors; but she’s not going to treat anyone better.
Stop and think this through, if she only mistreats you and never anyone else, doesn’t that imply that you did something to lead your relationship into the mess it’s in now? Come on. The way she treats you is who she is.
And for some reason that I cannot fathom, you are staying in this marriage and allowing her to abuse you. Why?


MKN1990 said:


> It’s like this: “ you entered in to this, you knew the expectation, and now you’re mad that I’m trying to hold you accountable for those.” Doesn’t feel good to me at all.


Really? Why are you allowing her to set the tone in your life? If that’s what she feels/thinks, why are you with her? You have the marriage a chance. 

I suggested that you try the “STOP” thing. I want to be clear about something. Only give is 3 months. If the angry outbursts do not stop in 3 months once YOU stop engaging in them with her, then it’s time to end the relationship. If her anger escalates when you try the “STOP” thing, get out of this marriage as fast as you can. It means that she is truly an abuser and is using the angry outbursts as verbal abuse to control you. So far she appears to be doing a good job.

I wonder if the household she grew up in is like this… if her parents don’t interact like this when the family is home alone and no one outside the family sees it.


----------



## Luminous

EleGirl said:


> So she was great for the first year and a half. That’s predictable. When a couple first falls in love, they are in what is called the infatuation stage. What’s that? That’s the time frame when biology has them bounding, meaning that both of your brains are producing and updating all kinds of feel good hormones – dopamine, oxytocin and others. Basically you are both on a high that is similar to the high that you get from cocaine… but it’s focused on each other. You see each other through rose colored glasses. It’s very normal to ignore each other’s bad traits and for you each to be on your best behavior. Then at about the 18-24 months’ time frame the brain returns to normal in production/uptake of these hormones. In biology (think cave days), the purpose of this is for a couple to stay together long enough to for the female to get pregnant, have a baby and have the guy help her for a few months.
> 
> At some time between the 18- and 24-month mark, what happens is exactly what happened in your relationship. You see each other for who they really are and suddenly both people are no longer putting on a show of extra good behavior. This is why no one should get engaged before 18 months or married before knowing each other for 2-3 years.
> 
> Does she have a job outside the home? Or is she a stay-at-home wife (SAHW)?
> 
> What does being involved in your dad’s side of the family have to do with her feeling like you don’t see the things that she does?
> 
> What do you want her to do to be more involved with your dad’s side of the family?
> 
> I’m trying to figure out what you are talking about here. Where are the things that you want to talk about that she feel are not her problem?
> 
> It sounds like you feel that there was an unfair burden on you to use your inheritance/finances to get a house, car, etc.
> 
> What if anything did she contribute financially to the marriage?
> 
> If you resent having using your inheritance for these things, why did you do it? Perhaps you need to see an attorney to find out how to establish that the down payment on the house is your sole property. You really should have done that before you married. Just keeping very good financial records showing the source of the funds might be enough.
> 
> Um, if you divorce now, she will not be entitled to much of anything out of the house or any alimony.
> As for her treating another man better than she treats you, why would you think that would happen? She’s going to treat any man she dates/marries the same way she treats you. You might not see her do it because she mistreats him behind closed doors; but she’s not going to treat anyone better.
> Stop and think this through, if she only mistreats you and never anyone else, doesn’t that imply that you did something to lead your relationship into the mess it’s in now? Come on. The way she treats you is who she is.
> And for some reason that I cannot fathom, you are staying in this marriage and allowing her to abuse you. Why?
> 
> Really? Why are you allowing her to set the tone in your life? If that’s what she feels/thinks, why are you with her? You have the marriage a chance.
> 
> I suggested that you try the “STOP” thing. I want to be clear about something. Only give is 3 months. If the angry outbursts do not stop in 3 months once YOU stop engaging in them with her, then it’s time to end the relationship. If her anger escalates when you try the “STOP” thing, get out of this marriage as fast as you can. It means that she is truly an abuser and is using the angry outbursts as verbal abuse to control you. So far she appears to be doing a good job.
> 
> I wonder if the household she grew up in is like this… if her parents don’t interact like this when the family is home alone and no one outside the family sees it.


Wise words there. And, from someone who has just come from an abusive relationship, I can back it up.


----------



## Beach123

> The car she drives is in my name as is our house, both of which I used my money on for the down payments. So I’ve been considering telling her that she needs to pack a bag for the evening or whatever leave the keys to the house and car and not come back until she learns to be respectful. But honestly with how tough things have been I think it would just cause her to do something like cheat or leave entirely.


Yep, impose these consequences immediately.

Ya know - if you stay married to her too long she will claim half of your assets.

And if she isn't capable of apologizing and changing HER behavior - the way she participates - then walk away knowing you a). deserve better and b). She's a narcissist who won't ever show you compassion, apologize and has a special kind of sense of entitlement.

She's not showing any kind and loving behaviors within the marriage - that's just not right!

And the fact that she acts all sweet in front of other groups of people shows evidence that she's a phone who doesn't prioritize her marriage - none of which provides ingredients for a healthy marriage.


She doesn't respect nor honor you. You can't MAKE her treat you decently! Be willing to end the M or you're in for a lifetime of misery.

Know your boundary - do not take her back unless she shows solid, long term evidence she plans to change her behavior and her ability to apologize and own how she participates. That's a hard line before considering anything further with her! She should NEVER be allowed to be unkind to you, EVER!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

MKN1990 said:


> Regarding cheating, she says she never has and during one of our last arguments *she said that sometimes she wants to just to prove to hope that it feels bad for me. *


 You said you wanted truthful,blunt honesty ... well I'm your huckleberry.

Anyone who would say the bolded above to their spouse is only trying to cause as much pain as possible. Kick this beeotch to the curb and don't look back. File and find a new love who is not out to make your life miserable and abuse you.


----------



## GusPolinski

Someone wake me up once this guy discovers the affair.


----------



## Marc878

MKN1990 said:


> So with family and friends she’s great, she’s the woman I fell in love with. She treats all then with the respect that I ask her to and she’s not rude. That said there hasn’t been anything traumatic that’s happened to her, at least not that’s shes ever told me. We were obviously great during the first year and half that we started dating but it seems like this occurred around the time we got engaged.
> 
> She tries to put it in me that I’m selfish because I don’t see anything that she does (cook, clean, dishes, and I will say that lately she has made a much better effort when it comes to being involved with my dads side of my family). In her mind I truly believe that she feels that if it’s not her problem then she shouldn’t have to worry about it, and I’m not sure if that’s the manner that she was raised, but it drives me absolutely insane. Sure, some things you have to deal with yourself, but as a husband/wife you should care if your spouse is trying to discuss issues that involve the foundation of a healthy marriage.
> 
> *It’s extemely unfortunate because I’m the one who has spent thousands of dollars from my inheritance for us to start a life (the wedding, new car, down payment on the house, etc) *because being with the real her the rest of my life is legit what I want, I’m the one who has strain on the relationship with his moms side of the family due to this marriage, ans while I won’t say that that’s all her fault because my mom put more pressure on this than there should be, she does contribute to the problem. Although the last time my mom was in town my wife was willing to get together for dinner or have her over to our home so I take that as a good sign.
> 
> But I’m the one who’s working in a dead end job because we needed a level of income to make our mortgage work, and the idea of sacrificing all that for someone I love and who in my opinion SHOULD be honoring our marriage much better than she has, is absolutely terrifying to me. Especially later down the road when I’m going to have to see her be out with another man knowing that she’s treating him the same way I always wanted her to treat me. It’s almost like she would get to walk away with a couple scratches while I would be bruised and bloodied and I think that’s crap to do to someone who you agreed to marry (regardless of the health of our relationship at the time).
> 
> It’s like this: “ you entered in to this, you knew the expectation, and now you’re mad that I’m trying to hold you accountable for those.” Doesn’t feel good to me at all.


You got taken bud. I got news for you. You are seeing the real her.

You are living on hopium that it isn't.

I expect you'll wallow in this for awhile.

Better wake up to reality


----------



## MKN1990

So she works as a social worker, I work in a retail store for a telecommunications company. For the last few years I’ve made At least 50% more than she makes. But it’s okay for her to tell me that my job is “embarrassing” and that I need to get a new one I’ll agree I do, in college educated with a degree, but that’s not the point here). I truly believe that she feels she has he right to scrutinize what I do, which sure I get it’s not a glamorous job, but at the end of the day there’s bills to pay and I’m not sure I’d make the same money elsewhere. And when I say theee things to her, it’s like none of it makes sense to her and just goes in one ear and out the other. 

As far as what I’m referring to, I’m talking about the times where I try to discuss with her how we don’t ever go out on dates, don’t communicate, don’t make time for sex, but yet she gets plenty of time to herself to visit her sister in another state or friends in another town. Sure my work schedule being retail throws a chain in me coming along sometimes so I get it to an extent. But, it’s as if there is always an excuse for everything. Sure I get it we all have bad days at work and it gets brought home, I’m not naive to think that, and I get everything is a two way street. But when you’ve been outside the house doing things with friends lately in the last 5 months more than you have with me, then it makes me feel as if you don’t care about us spending that time together. When I try to talk about the lack of sex we’re having it’s a “stop being annoying” or “yeah it doesn’t happen because you talk about it” but then we will go for weeks without anything. I tell her “I haven’t discussed it for some time, haven’t pressured it by any means, and yet it still DOESNT happen. Her response: “well tough ****.” 

I will say that in the past when we’ve gone out it’s usually resulted in her being rude/degrading for 0 reason (makes smart ass comments that have no usefulness to them whatsoever and is just unnecessary scrutiny). So I get her unwillingness to want to go out and get into an arguement or fight, but I don’t believe that she sees that her negative comments are what’s causing me to retaliate to begin with. But does she make comments like these to her bedr friend or other friends when we’re out? Hell no! Keep in mind, she feels that I was “babied” all my life, which I wasn’t, and that NOBODY has ever told me the truth. Sure am I more open to discussing my issues with others? Yes, but only because I believe in open communication, but ultimately the issue is yours to deal with and solve, not your friends or neighbors or anyone else’s. And sure, I do believe to an extent that people won’t always be upfront because it’s not their place, but you’re acting like me whole life has been a show that wasn’t real because it wasn’t the exact way that YOU were brought up. 

I guess what I ultimately want is for her to realize that saying things that are negative is not only 1.) toxic to the relationship and there’s no need for it, and yeah, I get it sometimes we joke around in a smart ass way and that’s all good, 2.) regardless of our childhood differences it gives you no right to make comments like you make or criticize like you do, 3.) I’m not being a ***** by getting mad/frustrated and telling you to cut the crap when you say these things, and 4.) I shouldn’t have to ask for you to make not just me, but US more importantly, are priority in your life. Stop making excuses and trying to manipulate things with the “you were babied growing up OR you don’t get relationships because you haven’t had as many” card and just treat me the same way you treat your sister or your best friend. Stop nit picking little things and telling me that’s its “weird” or “annoying” when it’s blatantly not.


----------



## Luminous

MKN1990 said:


> But when you’ve been outside the house doing things with friends lately in the last 5 months more than you have with me, then it makes me feel as if you don’t care about us spending that time together. When I try to talk about the lack of sex we’re having it’s a “stop being annoying” or “yeah it doesn’t happen because you talk about it” but then we will go for weeks without anything. I tell her “I haven’t discussed it for some time, haven’t pressured it by any means, and yet it still DOESNT happen. Her response: “well tough ****.”
> 
> I will say that in the past when we’ve gone out it’s usually resulted in her being rude/degrading for 0 reason (makes smart ass comments that have no usefulness to them whatsoever and is just unnecessary scrutiny).
> 
> I guess what I ultimately want is for her to realize that saying things that are negative is not only 1.) toxic to the relationship and there’s no need for it, and yeah, I get it sometimes we joke around in a smart ass way and that’s all good


Those things right there, that is pure abuse mate. I would not normally be this blunt, but, if that is how she behaves, get the **** out of this mess. She is a narcissist that has her head stuck up her arse so far that she will more than likely NEVER see reality.

My recent ex started throwing things at me, whilst I was over at her place for a few days consoling her due to a family death, even though I had kicked her out previously because of her bull****. I had done nothing to provoke this, other than say that I'd better go because I felt I was no longer helping the situation.

Some people are just ****ed in the head, and believe me, if you don't get out of this now, it will drag you down into a depth of hell you cannot possibly imagine.


----------



## Beach123

What do you plan to change? 

She will keep abusing you and using you as her free ride.

What are YOU doing to get rid of her? She's toxic.

She also looks like she's cheating on you.

Have you even checked to see if she has been cheating?


Stop being weak and scared of her - she's no partner... she's not even nice. More so, she's purposely mean and cruel.

You don't need to put up with her crap for one more day!


----------



## turnera

MKN1990 said:


> So she works as a social worker, I work in a retail store for a telecommunications company. For the last few years I’ve made At least 50% more than she makes. But it’s okay for her to tell me that my job is “embarrassing” and that I need to get a new one I’ll agree I do, in college educated with a degree, but that’s not the point here). I truly believe that she feels she has he right to scrutinize what I do, which sure I get it’s not a glamorous job, but at the end of the day there’s bills to pay and I’m not sure I’d make the same money elsewhere. And when I say theee things to her, it’s like none of it makes sense to her and just goes in one ear and out the other.
> 
> As far as what I’m referring to, I’m talking about the times where I try to discuss with her how we don’t ever go out on dates, don’t communicate, don’t make time for sex, but yet she gets plenty of time to herself to visit her sister in another state or friends in another town. Sure my work schedule being retail throws a chain in me coming along sometimes so I get it to an extent. But, it’s as if there is always an excuse for everything. Sure I get it we all have bad days at work and it gets brought home, I’m not naive to think that, and I get everything is a two way street. But when you’ve been outside the house doing things with friends lately in the last 5 months more than you have with me, then it makes me feel as if you don’t care about us spending that time together. When I try to talk about the lack of sex we’re having it’s a “stop being annoying” or “yeah it doesn’t happen because you talk about it” but then we will go for weeks without anything. I tell her “I haven’t discussed it for some time, haven’t pressured it by any means, and yet it still DOESNT happen. Her response: “well tough ****.”
> 
> I will say that in the past when we’ve gone out it’s usually resulted in her being rude/degrading for 0 reason (makes smart ass comments that have no usefulness to them whatsoever and is just unnecessary scrutiny). So I get her unwillingness to want to go out and get into an arguement or fight, but I don’t believe that she sees that her negative comments are what’s causing me to retaliate to begin with. But does she make comments like these to her bedr friend or other friends when we’re out? Hell no! Keep in mind, she feels that I was “babied” all my life, which I wasn’t, and that NOBODY has ever told me the truth. Sure am I more open to discussing my issues with others? Yes, but only because I believe in open communication, but ultimately the issue is yours to deal with and solve, not your friends or neighbors or anyone else’s. And sure, I do believe to an extent that people won’t always be upfront because it’s not their place, but you’re acting like me whole life has been a show that wasn’t real because it wasn’t the exact way that YOU were brought up.
> 
> I guess what I ultimately want is for her to realize that saying things that are negative is not only 1.) toxic to the relationship and there’s no need for it, and yeah, I get it sometimes we joke around in a smart ass way and that’s all good, 2.) regardless of our childhood differences it gives you no right to make comments like you make or criticize like you do, 3.) I’m not being a ***** by getting mad/frustrated and telling you to cut the crap when you say these things, and 4.) I shouldn’t have to ask for you to make not just me, but US more importantly, are priority in your life. Stop making excuses and trying to manipulate things with the “you were babied growing up OR you don’t get relationships because you haven’t had as many” card and just treat me the same way you treat your sister or your best friend. Stop nit picking little things and telling me that’s its “weird” or “annoying” when it’s blatantly not.


Dude, none of this - not one thing - is going to change until YOU change. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and start implementing it in your life. Find a therapist who specializes in men and start going so he can help you learn to stand up for yourself and explore your worth. Start hanging out with some guy friends at least once or twice a month. 

We've seen it all before, ad nauseum, and she's not the problem here - YOU are. That's not to say she's not a byotch - just that you are ALLOWING it and ENABLING it. And the only person you can change is YOU.

So get started. Read the book.


----------



## happiness27

MKN1990 said:


> So my wife and I have been married for almost 2 years, and she is the absolute love of my life and to me none of it makes sense without here. But it’s been a struggle since before day 1. We did not have a very pleasant engagement period due to many factors, obviously planning a wedding is stressful for a woman. Regardless though, there were situations that occurred that made me truly feel as if this wedding feel down wasn’t about she and I starting our life together because we love each other, but more so it was her show for HER.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of the wedding is about the woman, but still it’s ultimately about you two. Needless to say, we had a VERY rough period before the wedding as we constantly fought. But, we went through with it anyway, and ever since we’ve spent at least 85% of our marriage not getting along, and it absolutely kills me. My personal opinion, and yes we have gone to counseling which I don’t think worked, is that she cares more about being in this with me due to it being an easy and convenient living arrangement rather than because she loves me and wants to spend life together. One of the biggest issues I have is that I don’t feel she respects me at all. Often times when I try to discuss the non-negotiables of our marriage (making time for each other and for our own individual selves, having open lines of communication, and making time for each other in the bedroom, at least those are what I feel they are) she tells me to “quite being a *****” or “stop being a *****.”
> 
> I’ve tried to be reasonable and polite and say to her please stop talking to me that way, but it doesn’t seem to work as it still happens. It’s also not uncommon for her to take an attitude if we go out and just start saying things that there’s no reason to say and get worked up about. The last several months have been bad (outside of the vacation we took with my family and the couple weeks after), to the point where she lives in the morning and sometimes won’t say goodbye or even give me a kiss. It’s the same also in the evening, no goodnight sometimes, no nothing. Even though she’s started a new job, I’ve been very supportive of it since it’s a transition, but it’s been months since we’ve had any physical intimacy in her bedroom.
> 
> Its like she makes no effort and always has an excuse for it, rather than just making it a priority like it should be. I also believe one of her flaws to be hypocracy, as she will sometimes hold me to a double standard that she’s also guilty of (she was 5 sizes bigger when we met and I never held it against her, and now that she’s lost weight she thinks that she has the right to tell me I look distgusting, I’ve gained 10 lbs in 3 years and of course this impacts our sex life).
> 
> Sorry for the long rant, but what should I do? Am I honestly being a *****?


We're only hearing one side of the story BUT - I had a marriage that sounds very much like yours and it was awful and I eventually divorced him. No one should put another person down or treat them like crap. It's abusive. You've done counseling and it hasn't worked.

Leave.

Now.


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## EleGirl

MKN1990 said:


> So she works as a social worker, I work in a retail store for a telecommunications company. For the last few years I’ve made At least 50% more than she makes. But it’s okay for her to tell me that my job is “embarrassing” and that I need to get a new one I’ll agree I do, in college educated with a degree, but that’s not the point here). I truly believe that she feels she has he right to scrutinize what I do, which sure I get it’s not a glamorous job, but at the end of the day there’s bills to pay and I’m not sure I’d make the same money elsewhere. And when I say theee things to her, it’s like none of it makes sense to her and just goes in one ear and out the other.
> 
> As far as what I’m referring to, I’m talking about the times where I try to discuss with her how we don’t ever go out on dates, don’t communicate, don’t make time for sex, but yet she gets plenty of time to herself to visit her sister in another state or friends in another town. Sure my work schedule being retail throws a chain in me coming along sometimes so I get it to an extent. But, it’s as if there is always an excuse for everything. Sure I get it we all have bad days at work and it gets brought home, I’m not naive to think that, and I get everything is a two way street. But when you’ve been outside the house doing things with friends lately in the last 5 months more than you have with me, then it makes me feel as if you don’t care about us spending that time together. When I try to talk about the lack of sex we’re having it’s a “stop being annoying” or “yeah it doesn’t happen because you talk about it” but then we will go for weeks without anything. I tell her “I haven’t discussed it for some time, haven’t pressured it by any means, and yet it still DOESNT happen. Her response: “well tough ****.”
> 
> I will say that in the past when we’ve gone out it’s usually resulted in her being rude/degrading for 0 reason (makes smart ass comments that have no usefulness to them whatsoever and is just unnecessary scrutiny). So I get her unwillingness to want to go out and get into an arguement or fight, but I don’t believe that she sees that her negative comments are what’s causing me to retaliate to begin with. But does she make comments like these to her bedr friend or other friends when we’re out? Hell no! Keep in mind, she feels that I was “babied” all my life, which I wasn’t, and that NOBODY has ever told me the truth. Sure am I more open to discussing my issues with others? Yes, but only because I believe in open communication, but ultimately the issue is yours to deal with and solve, not your friends or neighbors or anyone else’s. And sure, I do believe to an extent that people won’t always be upfront because it’s not their place, but you’re acting like me whole life has been a show that wasn’t real because it wasn’t the exact way that YOU were brought up.


You are not addressing the suggestions people are giving you ... either try some of them or get out of this crazy relationship now. And if you try anything like No More Mr. Nice Guy and/or the STOP thing, only give it about 2 months. If things do not change completely, get a divorce.



MKN1990 said:


> I guess what I ultimately want is for her to realize that saying things that are negative is not only 1.) toxic to the relationship and there’s no need for it, and yeah, I get it sometimes we joke around in a smart ass way and that’s all good, 2.) regardless of our childhood differences it gives you no right to make comments like you make or criticize like you do, 3.) I’m not being a ***** by getting mad/frustrated and telling you to cut the crap when you say these things, and 4.) I shouldn’t have to ask for you to make not just me, but US more importantly, are priority in your life. Stop making excuses and trying to manipulate things with the “you were babied growing up OR you don’t get relationships because you haven’t had as many” card and just treat me the same way you treat your sister or your best friend. Stop nit picking little things and telling me that’s its “weird” or “annoying” when it’s blatantly not.


I think we are seeing you do here what you do with you... you are trying to get her to see the light and think that using reason with her will work. It won't. This is not about what is real or right. You cannot fix her or control her. You cannot get her to realize anything... you should know that by now. Haven't you tried to explain it to her enough times.

Either stop engaging with her to explain, to try to get her to change her way of thinking. Just stop it. Because when you do, you are playing into her little mind game.

just stop.....


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## NobodySpecial

MKN1990 said:


> So my wife and I have been married for almost 2 years, and she is the absolute love of my life and to me none of it makes sense without here. But it’s been a struggle since before day 1. We did not have a very pleasant engagement period due to many factors, obviously planning a wedding is stressful for a woman. Regardless though, there were situations that occurred that made me truly feel as if this wedding feel down wasn’t about she and I starting our life together because we love each other, but more so it was her show for HER.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of the wedding is about the woman, but still it’s ultimately about you two. Needless to say, we had a VERY rough period before the wedding as we constantly fought. But, we went through with it anyway, and ever since we’ve spent at least 85% of our marriage not getting along, and it absolutely kills me. My personal opinion, and yes we have gone to counseling which I don’t think worked, is that she cares more about being in this with me due to it being an easy and convenient living arrangement rather than because she loves me and wants to spend life together. One of the biggest issues I have is that I don’t feel she respects me at all. Often times when I try to discuss the non-negotiables of our marriage (making time for each other and for our own individual selves, having open lines of communication, and making time for each other in the bedroom, at least those are what I feel they are) she tells me to “quite being a *****” or “stop being a *****.”


This comes highly recommended. 

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400

Wife here, so I cannot attest personally.



> I’ve tried to be reasonable and polite and say to her please stop talking to me that way, but it doesn’t seem to work as it still happens. It’s also not uncommon for her to take an attitude if we go out and just start saying things that there’s no reason to say and get worked up about. The last several months have been bad (outside of the vacation we took with my family and the couple weeks after), to the point where she lives in the morning and sometimes won’t say goodbye or even give me a kiss. It’s the same also in the evening, no goodnight sometimes, no nothing. Even though she’s started a new job, I’ve been very supportive of it since it’s a transition, but it’s been months since we’ve had any physical intimacy in her bedroom.
> 
> Its like she makes no effort and always has an excuse for it, rather than just making it a priority like it should be. I also believe one of her flaws to be hypocracy, as she will sometimes hold me to a double standard that she’s also guilty of (she was 5 sizes bigger when we met and I never held it against her, and now that she’s lost weight she thinks that she has the right to tell me I look distgusting, I’ve gained 10 lbs in 3 years and of course this impacts our sex life).
> 
> Sorry for the long rant, but what should I do? Am I honestly being a *****?


I am sorry. If you cannot get traction on fixing this, get out before you have wasted decades. Get back into counseling, and don't expect it to "work" overnight. If you don't see measurable improvement that YOU can feel, address that. 

If she calls you disgusting, or your looks disgusting, I am not sure what else someone can say to you. She is telling you what she thinks of you. Believe her.

P.S. Do not have kids at this point No Matter What She Says.


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## anchorwatch

I've been sitting back, reading and waiting to see when you might get some of the basics, the others are talking about. 

Allow me to give you a glimpse. 

You keep repeating you want to her to realize what she is doing. You are not going to get her, show her or make her realize anything, period. It doesn't work that way. *She will either come to a realization about her behavior on her own or she won't.* Stop being the "fixer". Cease and desist trying to educate her. Telling an irrational person they are being irrational only adds fuel to their fire. Right now she is getting something out of her behavior. Pushing you away or punishing you for some perceived reason. It suits her right now. When it doesn't work for her, she will stop. 

This one thing you can do doesn't mean it's going to ever stop, only that you won't be part of this drama triangle. 

When the belittling, insults or derogatory terms start, the conversation is over. 

The only person you can change is yourself and change can only happen if you do. 

Best

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life or Boundaries in Marriage

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## MKN1990

Let me clarify a couple things: there are times when she does things that are nice. The other day she baked cookies and gave me some to take work. She does do the laundry, cooking, house cleaning as well. So there’s things that she does do. But to me, and I hope I can get some clarity from everyone, just because you take care of household chores doesn’t mean that you are exempt from the rest of your responsibilities to the marriage. Am I being abnormal for wanting these things from her? 

Is kicking her out the only way this will bring about change? And I know it’s not a guarantee that it will either.


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## Marc878

You are wanting her to "get it" but you are the one who doesn't "get it". This is who she is.

You kissing her ass isn't going to change a thing.


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## Luminous

MKN1990 said:


> Let me clarify a couple things: there are times when she does things that are nice. The other day she baked cookies and gave me some to take work. She does do the laundry, cooking, house cleaning as well. So there’s things that she does do. But to me, and I hope I can get some clarity from everyone, just because you take care of household chores doesn’t mean that you are exempt from the rest of your responsibilities to the marriage. Am I being abnormal for wanting these things from her?
> 
> Is kicking her out the only way this will bring about change? And I know it’s not a guarantee that it will either.


Yes. 

And yes it will not guarantee a change in your favour still.

I kicked mine out, and not only did I feel better in myself, it shocked her to the point that her respect for me jumped a large amount. 

In the grand scheme of things, it didn't make a difference, but it established myself as one who is not tolerating unreasonable behaviour/bull**** any longer.

And on your cooking/cleaning note, yep, my missus would do that too, we would have fun and have music jam sessions together, but the foundation of the relationship/bond was still not strong enough, and she was not emotionally mature enough when times got tough. If what you have is not strong now, the challenges ahead will only weaken it further.


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## Beach123

MKN1990 said:


> Let me clarify a couple things: there are times when she does things that are nice. The other day she baked cookies and gave me some to take work. She does do the laundry, cooking, house cleaning as well. So there’s things that she does do. But to me, and I hope I can get some clarity from everyone, just because you take care of household chores doesn’t mean that you are exempt from the rest of your responsibilities to the marriage. Am I being abnormal for wanting these things from her?
> 
> Is kicking her out the only way this will bring about change? And I know it’s not a guarantee that it will either.


You're still making excuses for her bad behavior.

No amount of decent things can make up for her treating you terribly/being disrespectful and unkind to you.

You need professional help to determine why you allowed anyone to treat you this way. Also to understand where your healthy boundary is - because you don't have a boundary.


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## happydad

MKN1990 said:


> Let me clarify a couple things: there are times when she does things that are nice. The other day she baked cookies and gave me some to take work. She does do the laundry, cooking, house cleaning as well. So there’s things that she does do. But to me, and I hope I can get some clarity from everyone, just because you take care of household chores doesn’t mean that you are exempt from the rest of your responsibilities to the marriage. Am I being abnormal for wanting these things from her?
> 
> Is kicking her out the only way this will bring about change? And I know it’s not a guarantee that it will either.


I don't want my wife to bake me cookies, I want her to take off her clothes and make passionate love to me. If she talked to me once the way your wife talks to you, I would first laugh because it would be a joke, but if there was the slightest bit of seriousness in her eyes, the relationship would be over on the spot. Divorce this woman.


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## turnera

NobodySpecial said:


> This comes highly recommended.
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400
> 
> Wife here, so I cannot attest personally.


It's a great book. I bought it to give to my husband, thinking it would help him care more about me, lol. But I read it first and realized that its benefit is for men who won't stand up to their wife. Basically, its premise is that you owe your wife the main part of you. BUT, you also owe YOURSELF the rest of you - so that you can BE a great partner and parent.


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## Rowan

I can't help but marvel when a man's intended is a vicious shrew of a bridezilla during the wedding planning, and then he appears utterly shocked when it turns out that the same woman is a vicious shrew of a wife once the wedding is over. :scratchhead:

Dude, you knew exactly what you were getting. She didn't deceive you. You could clearly see she was a raging banshee before you even married her. So there's no reason to act surprised. You clearly knew this job was dangerous when you took it. 

The bigger, and much more important, question is why you married her in the first place. It's clear you don't like who she's proven herself to be. So, go retrieve your testicles from her purse and get yourself into some IC so you can learn self-esteem, boundaries, and what a healthy marriage looks like. Chances are, you can't have a healthy marriage with her. And you certainly can't have one unless and until you get emotionally strong and healthy yourself. But if you put the work in, you may get to have a healthy relationship with someone someday.


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## Rowan

MKN1990 said:


> Let me clarify a couple things: there are times when she does things that are nice. The other day she baked cookies and gave me some to take work. *She does do the laundry, cooking, house cleaning as well*. So there’s things that she does do. But to me, and I hope I can get some clarity from everyone, just because you take care of household chores doesn’t mean that you are exempt from the rest of your responsibilities to the marriage. Am I being abnormal for wanting these things from her?



I do want to address this, OP, in relation to your current marriage and to any future relationships you have. If you're both working full-time, your wife shouldn't be doing all the laundry, cooking and house cleaning unless you're also tasked with, and completing, a similar amount of work around the house. Your wife is not your maid or your mother. So, whether in this marriage or some other future marriage or relationship, make sure you're doing your half of the household chores. _Not_ 'helping her out' with chores you think are her responsibility because she's a woman, but really doing your fair share because you both work and you both live there. 

And before your Nice Guy tendencies kick in, know that doing housework won't get you more sex. And you should not even try to use doing your fair share as some sort of dysfunctional currency to try to buy sex. However, it will demonstrate that you respect your partner and her contributions to the home you both live in and that consider you two equal partners in the relationship/family. Perhaps most importantly, it will help keep her from resenting you for foisting it all on her when she's working full time just as you are.


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## TJW

MKN1990 said:


> But to me, and I hope I can get some clarity from everyone, just because you take care of household chores doesn’t mean that you are exempt from the rest of your responsibilities to the marriage. Am I being abnormal for wanting these things from her?


I will now bring clarity.

You are not abnormal.
Your wife is an abuser.

The things your wife does do NOT come from you.
They come from her.

This is NOT your fault. And, it is not because you are a "nice guy" or because you are somehow "less than a man".
This is HER fault.


The End


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## turnera

Disagree, TJW. None of this would have occurred after the first spate of crappiness, had he had the balls to stand up for himself. He needs to learn what that looks like. Through therapy and by reading about what a strong man looks like.

Now, had he done that at the beginning, she may have left and looked for another weakling to attach to, or she may have responded positively. It may be too late now. But he still needs to know what he's doing wrong.


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## Beach123

Why are you avoiding doing anything about her terrible behavior?

DO something to help yourself man!!


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## Beach123

What's your update?

Anything new?


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry to hear you and your wife don't get along. No kids and still pretty much newly weds - THIS IS THE EASY FUN STAGE GUYS!
I hear two immature co dependent people making each others lives miserable. You guys are not ready for kids.

Go to IC ...fix yourself and sort out whether you found a life partner or should D.

Then invite your wife to join you in C ... it's a safe place to discuss your needs. If she doesn't respond, then file for D.


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## [email protected]

MKN1990, if someone hasn't said this, I will. You need to do the 180, hard. Then get a lawyer fast.


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## 3Xnocharm

You are lucky she is showing you this early in, just who she really is. And dude, this woman is a *****. Get out now and you shouldn't be stuck paying any alimony to this POS.


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## Dragan Jovanovic

One word: divorce


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