# Totally Unexpected



## totallyunexpected2020 (Jan 29, 2021)

Hey, not sure where to turn, but ran across this site and thought it could be good therapy to tell my story...

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. I've been married before and this is her first marriage and we have 2 children together. Seemed like a typical marriage... things really good at first, then the kids and then us slowly drifting apart and spending less time with one another. This lead to less emotional bonding and sex between us with us just going through the motions of our relationship. To add another layer of complexity with our relationship we work together as we have our own company so we do spend a lot of time with one another... and we do work well together. 

Fast forward to the end of last year about 2.5 months ago. I accidently found instant messages on her phone one night after she went upstairs "tired" to "go to sleep". She had been drinking that night and passed out and when I went upstairs I saw her phone was lit up meaning their was recent activity. I looked at the phone and I what I saw totally shocked me. I saw a whole string of x-rated messages between her and someone else. Because of the state of shock I was in I woke her up and demanded to know what the heck was going on and who was this other person. 

To make a long story short (as best I can) we discussed everything and she convinced me that since things were not good emotionally and physically with us she had this online "relationship" for almost 3 months with this person and it was just online only and a fantasy. She indicated that since we did not spend much time together this is what happened - that I worked too much and did not spend time with her. The funny thing was I left my career to join the company she started and although I do work late, it is for "our" company. I'm only working late to help our company succeed - it's not like I'm working for someone else, it's for us! Could I have more spent time on us... yes, and we both are at fault for letting our marriage get to a point, but I let her know that her decision to have this affair was 100% her fault and do not bring up the hours working at our business. 

We both wanted to try and make us work. I asked her for more details about the affair... are you sure it was not physical, who was this individual, what happened and etc. I needed to know the details to even try to get some sense of what and why and work towards healing and closure. She did not want to give me more details and I told her that I needed more because what she doesn't give me I would fill in the details myself with the worst possible scenario and we could not begin to heal our relationship. She finally gave me a name and how they met (work colleague years ago that reached out to her online).

I kept digging and asked her if they met in person and she said no. I found evidence to the contrary and she finally admitted they met one time for lunch. After another round of digging I was sure they met more than once and she admitted they met 3 times for lunch. I could narrow down the dates, times and locations for some of these meetings (technology can be helpful). She continues to maintain that nothing physical happened, but I'm not sure whether to believe her. She lied to me a few times and only admitted when I had some facts.

It's been about 2.5 months and things are much better with us, but I'm hurt and do not trust her. She is sincerely sorry and I believe committed to our relationship now, but how can I ever be 100% or even 90% sure? I think about this affair every day and it hurts. I do love her and believe she loves me and hopefully we can continue to heal. I thought I would ne out if this ever happened to me, but you never know what you'll do until it hits you.

I have many more details, but that's enough for now. Thanks for listening.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

That’s terrible. Sorry you’re in this mess of her making.

Don’t let her blame your long hours. Heck my husband was a workaholic at one stage and the worst I did was yell at him a lot and demand a lot of attention. I also had a few men watching this and trying to muscle in and take advantage. No thanks, no way.

Many women will tell you the same, they didn’t go elsewhere.

She’s drip-feeding you and that’s the most concerning part. Maybe she hasn’t taken it to the physical stage, but if she’s in this deep and lying, she may take it there eventually.

Be mean.


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## totallyunexpected2020 (Jan 29, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> That’s terrible. Sorry you’re in this mess of her making.
> 
> Don’t let her blame your long hours. Heck my husband was a workaholic at one stage and the worst I did was yell at him a lot and demand a lot of attention. I also had a few men watching this and trying to muscle in and take advantage. No thanks, no way.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback. Things are much better now and I have complete access to her phone, email and etc. I know if someone wants to cheat they still can especially in this digital online age, but I do not think she is now. I do think it was a one time affair that ended. That being said, how do I know she won't do the same thing in the future when life throws a curveball at us and our relationship is strained again and maybe I'm not giving her the "attention" she wants?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> Hey, not sure where to turn, but ran across this site and thought it could be good therapy to tell my story...
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 10 years. I've been married before and this is her first marriage and we have 2 children together. Seemed like a typical marriage... things really good at first, then the kids and then us slowly drifting apart and spending less time with one another. This lead to less emotional bonding and sex between us with us just going through the motions of our relationship. To add another layer of complexity with our relationship we work together as we have our own company so we do spend a lot of time with one another... and we do work well together.
> 
> ...


Due to her constant lies and the fact that she only owned up gradually after you had proof, I wouldnt believe her either. Due to their on line sexting its highly likely that they did more that just have lunch. I would say that you can't trust her and that you want her to take a lie detector test and see her reaction. I would also say that if things turn up in the test she hasnt admitted to before then the marriage is over. This will give her the chance of finally telling you the whole truth. 
Dont let her put any of the blame on you, you did nothing wrong. Cheaters always blame the other person.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> Fast forward to the end of last year about 2.5 months ago. I accidently found instant messages on her phone one night after she went upstairs "tired" to "go to sleep". She had been drinking that night and passed out and when I went upstairs I saw her phone was lit up meaning their was recent activity. I looked at the phone and I what I saw totally shocked me. I saw a whole string of x-rated messages between her and someone else. Because of the state of shock I was in I woke her up and demanded to know what the heck was going on and who was this other person.
> 
> To make a long story short (as best I can) we discussed everything and she convinced me that since things were not good emotionally and physically with us she had this online "relationship" for almost 3 months with this person and it was just online only and a fantasy. She indicated that since we did not spend much time together this is what happened - that I worked too much and did not spend time with her. The funny thing was I left my career to join the company she started and although I do work late, it is for "our" company. I'm only working late to help our company succeed - it's not like I'm working for someone else, it's for us! Could I have more spent time on us... yes, and we both are at fault for letting our marriage get to a point, but I let her know that her decision to have this affair was 100% her fault and do not bring up the hours working at our business.
> 
> ...


Id bet her other man is married. If so inform his wife without telling your wife. It’s the best way to provide consequences and stop the affair if it’s ongoing.

What leads you to believe she is remorseful? Her words don’t mean much. Actions tell you what you need to know.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ll never know if she’s telling you everything. And you’ll never know if she’ll do that again when she doesn’t like how things are going. Trust doesn’t come back completely the way it was before and it shouldn’t because now you know what she’s capable of. Reconciling usually takes 3-5 years — assuming it works (it does for some). There can be unexpected triggers along the way that make you relive the pain of this long after it’s in the past. There’s nothing easy about reconciling except the decision to try. I wish you the very best going forward.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> can I ever be 100% or even 90% sure?


No. Others have already given you the right advice. Like @Marc878 says, actions.....


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## totallyunexpected2020 (Jan 29, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Id bet her other man is married. If so inform his wife without telling your wife. It’s the best way to provide consequences and stop the affair if it’s ongoing.
> 
> What leads you to believe she is remorseful? Her words don’t mean much. Actions tell you what you need to know.


Thanks for your feedback and yes, he is married, but told her he was separated (and used that to his advantage so they could have common ground when they met - not good marriages). I'm not sure about that and think he is having marriage issues of his own, but I don't really care about that. I do believe they are stopped talking... I know I cannot be 100% sure because its so easy to hide with technology, but her phone is an open book and along with her email now. Plus no more "work" lunches and etc.

As far as being remorseful, she is making an effort with her actions. She is more engaged with us and pushing for us to be together both emotionally and physically. I do notice a difference and it does make me feel better. Not that you can trust your "gut feeling" all the time, but I had a bad feeling when she was having the affair and I do feel like she is trying on our relationship and that the affair has ended. My feeling is that I'm not sure about that she has told me everything about the affair.


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## totallyunexpected2020 (Jan 29, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You’ll never know if she’s telling you everything. And you’ll never know if she’ll do that again when she doesn’t like how things are going. Trust doesn’t come back completely the way it was before and it shouldn’t because now you know what she’s capable of. Reconciling usually takes 3-5 years — assuming it works (it does for some). There can be unexpected triggers along the way that make you relive the pain of this long after it’s in the past. There’s nothing easy about reconciling except the decision to try. I wish you the very best going forward.


Thanks for the feedback and from looking around this site and others it seems 100% correct. I'm trying to come with those terms of not knowing... my personality is that I want to know everything and I need to find out if I just want it or actually need it  Your second sentence is one of my toughest fears that she'll do this again when things are not going great. Triggers... yes, I'm dealing with those too, but it gets better. I really do love her and our family and do believe she is really trying and loves me, but only time (and her actions) will tell.


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## totallyunexpected2020 (Jan 29, 2021)

TJW said:


> No. Others have already given you the right advice. Like @Marc878 says, actions.....


I'm seeing that and trying to work through that. Thanks...


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## totallyunexpected2020 (Jan 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Due to her constant lies and the fact that she only owned up gradually after you had proof, I wouldnt believe her either. Due to their on line sexting its highly likely that they did more that just have lunch. I would say that you can't trust her and that you want her to take a lie detector test and see her reaction. I would also say that if things turn up in the test she hasnt admitted to before then the marriage is over. This will give her the chance of finally telling you the whole truth.
> Dont let her put any of the blame on you, you did nothing wrong. Cheaters always blame the other person.


Thanks for the feedback and from reading on the site I'm learning about the blame shifting. Our issues with our marriage is both our faults, but her decision to have the "affair" was 100% her fault and doing. She admits that to me, but says "I would not have done it if we didn't have the issues with our marriage" so I'm not 100% sure she feels it was her fault.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cheaters lie. That is what they do. If they were sexting like lovers then when they got together they had sex. Thats a fact.


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## totallyunexpected2020 (Jan 29, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Cheaters lie. That is what they do. If they were sexting like lovers then when they got together they had sex. Thats a fact.


Yeah, I'm learning this and although she steadfast holds to the fact that they did and not I'm not sure. I'm trying to move forward with the worst case scenario. I think I can get over the affair, it's the lies that have bothered me the most. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and it's not easy especially when you didn't think your partner would ever do something like this. Also, I say I think I can get over the affair because I think I can right now, but each day we move forward and it is only a few months after I found out. I want to try and work it out because I see how good we are when we are running on all cylinders, but we have to work through the trust issues.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> Yeah, I'm learning this and although she steadfast holds to the fact that they did and not I'm not sure. I'm trying to move forward with the worst case scenario. I think I can get over the affair, it's the lies that have bothered me the most. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and it's not easy especially when you didn't think your partner would ever do something like this. Also, I say I think I can get over the affair because I think I can right now, but each day we move forward and it is only a few months after I found out. I want to try and work it out because I see how good we are when we are running on all cylinders, but we have to work through the trust issues.


She will hold steadfast until you get evidence. My husband screamed over and over it was one kiss until I found evidence. A one week inappropriate sexting (his claim) turned into a 2 year affair chock full of sex in our cars at lunch. Date nights when he was “working” and good old fashioned romps at local pay by the hour motels. 
Trust after an affair is an Illusion. It never comes back 100 percent. Never.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Client had to threaten his WW. She was not forthcoming with the truth, and in the middle of a breakdown, he called her parents and told them what he thought he knew. Caused a complete crap storm in his WW ‘s life. She had to completely come clean with him and her parents. Had she done so she would have avoided the worst consequences. What he said to her parents was essentially correct, but his hurt and anger came through and forever damaged relationships. They ended up separating. During the separation she started another highly inappropriate relationship. That was the final nail. She did not even know that her BH had found out til she got served.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> Thanks for your feedback and yes, he is married, but told her he was separated (and used that to his advantage so they could have common ground when they met - not good marriages). I'm not sure about that and think he is having marriage issues of his own, but I don't really care about that. I do believe they are stopped talking... I know I cannot be 100% sure because its so easy to hide with technology, but her phone is an open book and along with her email now. Plus no more "work" lunches and etc.
> 
> *Thats the biggest lie told here. Maybe him and also your wife to cover for him.*
> 
> As far as being remorseful, she is making an effort with her actions. She is more engaged with us and pushing for us to be together both emotionally and physically. I do notice a difference and it does make me feel better. Not that you can trust your "gut feeling" all the time, but I had a bad feeling when she was having the affair and I do feel like she is trying on our relationship and that the affair has ended. My feeling is that I'm not sure about that she has told me everything about the affair.


Bud, all cheaters lie a lot and your wayward wife would cover for him.

Inform his wife. Wouldn’t you want to know? It’s an action you can take.

People who get strong and take action come out best in these situations plus once you tell her without informing you’re wife you’ll know if they’re still in contact.

Upfront they all jump into saving themselves. Think long term. It’s her job to fight for the marriage so you don’t offer reconciliation immediately or jump into marriage counseling.

You’re in a hard spot but you’ll learn a lot here. No one is prepared to deal with this.

keep posting for more knowledge


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From your posts she is only confessing to what you can prove. You are heading towards a *rugsweep* which is the best way to have problems long term and set yourself up for a repeat. Not all cheaters cheat again but unless she fixes her problems the capability is there. I’d suggest individual counseling for her if you can find a good one that specializes in infidelity.

Reconciliation requires specific actions:
Remorse, not just sorry they got caught. 
The truth which I doubt you have.
Zero contact with her affair partner.
transparency.

Tell her in order to move forward you require a polygraph test. Her reaction will be what?

You want this marriage to work out you both need to put in the necessary work required to get there.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to get her to write a timeline of the affair in detail and tell her you will have her do a poly to verify the truth. 

You also need to expose this to the OM’s wife WITHOUT warning your WW about it. This will cause him to throw your wife under the bus in order to save his marriage. That will help your WW defog from any soulmate BS she has floating in her head.

I would also expose to her family. Not in a your daughter/sister is a who... but in a help me fight for the marriage/family. Your WW needs to face consequences for putting the family at risk. By exposing to family, any lingering fond feelings she for POS will turn to disgust with herself as her family questions how she could do this to the father of her children. 

lastly you must not do the pick me dance. It never works and causes the wife to lose more respect for their BH. Don’t offer R yet until she has shown remorse for what she has done to you and the family and is not just regretting getting caught.

We have TONS of threads from BHs that try nice their WW to earn their love. Those always end up real bad for the BH. We also have some threads from BHs that boldly went shock and awe without fear of losing the marriage. These men usually end up having WW scrambling to save the marriage.

lastly, you know deep inside that they had sex. Highly sexual sexting happens after sex has happened. It’s to give the OM enough to tide him over to their next meet. You need to know what you’re forgiving before you R because it will eat you up later on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Excellent advice ^^^^^


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

The fact she is blameshifting shows she is not really remorseful. This would bother me. She needs to take full accountability for the affair. She needs to say this is on her. You did nothing wrong. Until she does that she is not remorseful because she is justifying what she did, and laying the foundation she could do this again when things are tough. I dont think its possible to ever trust someone again who doesn't take accountability fully for an affair.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I’m sorry that you find yourself here. The questions you are asking are what everyone who has been betrayed by their spouse asks themselves. 

There are some concerning things going on here, and I won’t tell you I didn’t make the same types of choices you are making now, riiiiiight before I caught him still cheating on me. So here are the red flags I am seeing in your story based on my similar experiences in the matter.

1. You didn’t get the full truth up front. You have been “trickle-truthed” and are still being fed filtered information. This is a no-go for reconciliation. The cheater has to give you the details, the timeline, and answer all your questions. As someone said before, a polygraph after you receive the timeline will help to put your mind at ease.

2. Do you really think two people who explicitly text that way only eat food at lunch? They were immoral enough to meet for lunch, which is cheating, yet they kept their hands off of each other, and innocently made 2 more lunch dates, also keeping their hands and genitals far apart??? I’ll leave that for you to think about.

3. I’ll bet you trust she’s ended the affair and you both are doing terrific! This is exactly what she wants, for you to replace the attentions of her boyfriend and play the “pick me!” Dance with her so she can get validation of how great she is. 
what you’re doing now is hysterical bonding. It’s a real thing. I’d bet money on that pony. But your instincts are screaming at you right now... THIS is the part of things you cannot trust. She will stop getting what she wants at some point and you will be back to square one. Or worse... catch her again.

Guess what? I thought my instincts would tell me if he was seeing the AP again, but they were screaming the whole time I was trying to reconcile I just ignored them like I did the first time! I got the same words and proclamations as you my friend.

3. She didn’t cheat because of your marriage, you, her stress, “she doesn’t know why”, she’s lonely, blah blah blah. She cheated because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it. If you rug sweep this without any consequences you are setting yourself up for a repeat of this later on. She needs individual counseling to FIGURE OUT why and how she allowed herself to betray the person she said she loved, and continually do so. That is not fixed, that has not been felt with and until it is you are right to never trust her again.

4. This is the part you’re going to not like. It’s too soon to reconcile. You don’t have the information you need, you do not have TRUE remorse (which never says “I don’t remember”, “I won’t tell you that”, “I don’t think you need that information”) and you do NOT know the depth of her lies and betrayal. Nor does she want you to. How do you know what you’re even forgiving here??? You have no clue you are just blindly taking her at her word when she’s lies many many times and still is. You need time and space and the truth before you ever decide whether she is WORTH the gift of your reconciliation. 

You are in a lot of pain, a lot. Much of it your refusing to feel because it hurts too much, so you’re covering it with “we will be ok!” And a false reconciliation. True reconciliation is difficult and long term and hurts for both parties. 

And yes she is showing you her phone. That was your first mistake... telling her how you got the information. Do you know how easy it is to delete communication and contact lovers in this day and age? Maybe it’s not happening right now, but what if tomorrow you have the flu and can’t feed her ego that day? How easy would it be to say.. hey, I think I’ll have “lunch” with Paco. 

You are talking to a person that did things JUST LIKE YOU for months and got cheated on AGAIN. I’m going to tell you, it hurts even worse the second time after they’ve seen your pain, your tears, your anguish, promise you the moon and stars and then do.it.again. I’m not telling you not to reconcile... I’m telling you that you have no idea if she’s got what it takes TO reconcile. And her actions to this point? I’d say not even close yet.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Coincidentally... I caught my WH having “lunch” with his AP the second time. They were about to get dessert in his vehicle when I popped by for a **** block. Nothing ruins the mood like your wife showing up to the party.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The life of a marriage warden is a thankless task.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> That being said, how do I know she won't do the same thing in the future when life throws a curveball at us and our relationship is strained again and maybe I'm not giving her the "attention" she wants?


The best way to set her up to do this again is to do exactly what you are currently doing, which is letting her get away with this.

She needs to consequences and to fully come clean before you offer the chance at reconciliation.

After you get your written timeline, call this guy's wife, get her to tell you his side of the story. If she didn't know yet, have her confront her husband. Pretty sure the other wife already knows they were physical.

You will regret this for eternity if you don't do something about it know. The wondering what happened will never go away.

Turn around the burden of proof... it was a full physical affair until proven otherwise....


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I feel she is not being fully honest with you and personally I feel she needed to take responsibility for her actions rather than blaming you for not spending enough time at home.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ahh, the old trickle truth scenario. You know what they say about 3rd dates, right? The 3rd "lunch" was likely at a motel. Nobody does nasty sexts at night back and forth with a lunch buddy.

I would get yourself tested for STDs and make her do the same. I don't care if she says they never had sex. You tell her you need this reassurance because there have been too many lies.

She is lulling you back to sleep here. Her actions may be good but she's hoping you rugsweep this and don't find out everything she did.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> Thanks for the feedback and from reading on the site I'm learning about the blame shifting. Our issues with our marriage is both our faults, but her decision to have the "affair" was 100% her fault and doing. She admits that to me, but says "I would not have done it if we didn't have the issues with our marriage" so I'm not 100% sure she feels it was her fault.


So in other words, "I agree it is that way for others...but not for me."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> Yeah, I'm learning this and although she steadfast holds to the fact that they did and not I'm not sure. I'm trying to move forward with the worst case scenario. I think I can get over the affair, it's the lies that have bothered me the most. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and it's not easy especially when you didn't think your partner would ever do something like this. Also, I say I think I can get over the affair because I think I can right now, but each day we move forward and it is only a few months after I found out. I want to try and work it out because I see how good we are when we are running on all cylinders, but we have to work through the trust issues.


There is no TRUE forward without TRUTH.

You don't have it yet.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

My good man. Face it she did the horizontal mamba with her POSOM. Cheaters lie as you have been informed. FJ has provided you the path to the truth. He is 100% spot on. Having been in your shoes a few years back, I would encourage you to take his advice to heart.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

totallyunexpected - well - we all have been there 
So far you have been posted information based on experience by those who have "heard the words" and have shared the grief you now have to endure.
No matter what the outcome - you will survive and one day be happy again - question is whether it will be with your wayward spouse or some other.

Right now you don't have much with which to work. Remember your marriage vows? "to forsake all others" How could she forget? simple -
loose or no boundaries/integrity/morals. She made decision after decision to indulge in activities inappropriate for a married person.

She has to accept she has failed to honor her marriage vows and, if she wants to stay married, she has to fix herself. *You can't do that*.
Perhaps some individual counseling (IC) can help her. Then there is the monster "BUT"

But being does she really or is she really still in love with you? Likely not nor so much right now due to the emotional confusion (affair fog) of being in the affair and it IS an affair.
How far it went for emotional connection and (perhaps?) physical stuff. - people have posted based on what they were told and experienced. Take that with the 'grain of salt' 
- what all are saying is at odds with their experience. I share most of that opinion too. Big "beware" of re-writing the marriage history. Typical is the wayward only remembering or 
just plain conjuring up all kinds of negatives in your history. Like the day you didn't open the car door is suddenly a MAJOR gaff!

Your best bet is to stand away and observe actions by her. I suggest you get STD tests and ask her to also. Get thee to a divorce specialist lawyer and learn what you would face
if she and you don't survive. Keep eye on finances just in case she decides to spend on ?? This seems to be a bit much but being prepared for the worst outcome is your best 
course of action. 

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Maybe you should get "No more Mr. Niceguy" a good read and also "Married mans sex life primer" (I think that is the title)
Figure out exactly what "Pick Me" looks like and do your best to NOT do any of the "pick me" stuff.

Remember you are in a fight for what you want - you may lose - you may win - either way you will have to endure some big punches.

Keep posting - use this place as a journal of sorts to help you track your progress through this merde panini you are having stuffed in your face.

don't take everything you read here as gospel but do try to put in a perspective of your situation - we all want to see you get OUT of infidelity.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You already lost.

Your approach of “I hope and want her to love me while I try to forget this happened” is going to get you nothing but pooped on.

A polygraph is the truth...

Fear will prevent you from having her do it.

Are you sure you want the truth? Are you really really sure?

The problem is that what you come here for is a magic pill... some word of wisdom... something to make her love only you .....something to make you forget .... someone to say ... your right she didn’t have sex with him.

No person here has any of those things for you. They only have truth of the current situation.... which sucks.

I think you want to believe her lies. You don’t sound like you want to know the truth from her.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

One recommendation I would strongly make is to get comfortable hearing the uncomfortable and choosing to be suspicious with the understanding that it's nothing personal against your wife, but it's simply good business to be skeptical. There are quite a few things you are accepting but that's understandable because you don't know your wife as being a liar before this. History is on her side.

Here's the uncomfortable and cold reality. Self preservation, reputation and in some cases the excitement of the affair will obliterate history and respect, both for you and the marriage. For a short (and sometimes long while) post affair, the wayward spouse prioritizes themselves before everything. This fact enables them to succeed in omitting, twisting and flat out lying. Betrayed spouses want the pain and difficult nature of the affair to go away and as a result will CHOOSE to believe their wayward spouses quickly, easily and without the cheating spouse having earned it.

It's hard to believe when years or decades of transparency is no longer there and the BS simply gives into history and wanting things to go back to being normal. I would very, very, very strongly advise you to proceed with the understanding and belief that you are not being squared with in upwards of 50% of what you're being told. You don't have to outright call her a liar, but in your mind you should say, since her lips are moving, some percent of what's coming out is a lie.

Again and I can't stress this enough, self preservation, reputation and the tingles from an affair can and will compromise the integrity of the most loyal, loving, church going wife. Reading these stories since 2017 have enlightened me to a couple of trends that I would not have believed prior to 2017. One is the men and women who find themselves in affairs are the same ones who months previously would be appalled at those that have them.
Second is the ease of which spouses reconcile after infidelity.

In summary what I'm trying to say here is you're extremely susceptible to getting taken for a ride. This is not what you want.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Tell her that you will be scheduling a polygraph for her in the very near future! And make that appointment!!!!!

Her reaction will probably give you your answer if they ever met in person or were physical.

Good luck and stay strong


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sorry this has happened to you.

You said this guy was an old work colleague, are you sure this guy isn’t an old boyfriend or FB?

You know your wife is lying about them sleeping together. Did you get tested for std’s? You really need to do so and you need to make your wife do the same.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I would ask you this, OP:

Ignore, for just a moment, her words, and instead focus on her actions since d-day. Are they the actions of a remorseful person?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

The question I asked myself at the time of discovery - Was she worth it? Worth fighting for, worth keeping, worth the pain?

The answer was no. 

My ex wife didn't confess. I discovered the truth. No I didn't bother to confront her. She simply wasn't worth the effort. 
My ex wife is a narcissist. All of her lies, projection, blameshifting and selfish behavior did the damage before my discovery of the affair. The discovery of her affair was just the final nail in the coffin. 

Is your wife worth fighting for? Don't be too quick to answer this. Really give it some thought. What does your wife bring to the table? Is she trustworthy? No. Is she faithful and loyal? No. Is she truthful? No. 

Does you wife love and respect you? I would answer NO.

You can find many men that regretted giving the gift of reconciliation to a wayward wife. You won't find many if any men that regretted divorcing their cheating wife. I belong to the latter category. I have no regrets divorcing my cheating ex wife.

Would recommend you file for divorce and while the process is pending allow your wife to prove to you she is worthy of reconciliation before you offer such a gift.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

totallyunexpected2020 said:


> Thanks for the feedback and from reading on the site I'm learning about the blame shifting. Our issues with our marriage is both our faults, but her decision to have the "affair" was 100% her fault and doing. She admits that to me, but says "I would not have done it if we didn't have the issues with our marriage" so I'm not 100% sure she feels it was her fault.


Your WW response indicates she is NOT taking the 100% as the affair being her fault for her bad decision. Your wife needs individual counseling. She is nowhere near remorseful.


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