# Am I really making my wife look bad???



## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

Well ok..so backstory I guess first..my wife has depression but is doing great for the last while. Unfortunately, she just seems to have problems getting through each week of life, and she does little outside of work. She has zero friends.

I have recently battled cancer and am looking to get back to normal life. One of those things is spending more time with our nephew.

So our nephew's choir is singing at City Hall and on tv this month. I want to attend. Because my wife is having a semi busy week, which really is not much more than what is normal to anyone, she feels she wont be able to attend this huge event for our nephew at the end of day on Fri...for one hour. She also has a manicure at that time, which I suggested she could move.

Then I suggested no worries, I will just go myself. Well that made her get her back up a mile, and said that if I do that, it makes her look bad. She was very upset I would even consider.

I understand it looks bad, but in the same breath, I am tired of missing out on things due to her just not being able to cope with life. And we have no kids, so I am not talking about the fact we are going 100 miles an hour each week..we do NOTHING.

So now I have to miss this huge event of our nephew's because of her, and I really do not want to.

Am I being unreasonable by wanting to go alone, or should I be supporting her and not going and keeping my mouth shut? I am again confused by her reaction and wondering if it is me that is the issue in that I am not getting it right.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

She can choose to stay home or go with you. Don't miss out on life because she doesn't want to participate. 
Does she have social anxiety? Has she been in counseling? Is she on meds?


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> She can choose to stay home or go with you. Don't miss out on life because she doesn't want to participate.
> Does she have social anxiety? Has she been in counseling? Is she on meds?


I appreciate that, but she was and would be crazy mad if I go alone. I can already tell by her reaction to me just casually suggesting I would go by myself, that if I actually did, she will flip.

I would say maybe to social anxiety, she just doesn't go out of her way to spend time with people. And with no friends, she is able to achieve that fairly easily. She needs to spend a lot of down time just recharging it seems from each day. Yes to counselling, although not for a long time. Yes to meds and they definitely help.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Sounds like my wife. I missed out on a lot of family things cos my wife has social/family anxiety...and even missed having my last Thanksgiving dinner with my sister (as she ended up dying of cancer six months later) I try not to hold resentment against my wife for missing out on so much stuff...but its hard. But i also blame myself for just not going...so I would go..especially as now you have a deeper appreciation for life...and hopefully your wife will stop interpreting everything being about her and understand you have a need for connection.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nicholas,
This is very disturbing to read. Your wife is being selfish by not attending. That isn't good, but it is her problem, not yours. 

But she is being frighteningly controlling and aggressive by telling you not to attend. 

And you are acting like her servant, not an equal partner. She can't 'stop' you from going. 

You simply tell her:
I am supporting our family member. My attendance wont make you look bad, however your choice NOT to support our nephew may make you look bad. 

In addition I would tell her you arent going to lie for her. At best you will say: She had a conflict




QUOTE=nicholascanada;5429450]Well ok..so backstory I guess first..my wife has depression but is doing great for the last while. Unfortunately, she just seems to have problems getting through each week of life, and she does little outside of work. She has zero friends.

I have recently battled cancer and am looking to get back to normal life. One of those things is spending more time with our nephew.

So our nephew's choir is singing at City Hall and on tv this month. I want to attend. Because my wife is having a semi busy week, which really is not much more than what is normal to anyone, she feels she wont be able to attend this huge event for our nephew at the end of day on Fri...for one hour. She also has a manicure at that time, which I suggested she could move.

Then I suggested no worries, I will just go myself. Well that made her get her back up a mile, and said that if I do that, it makes her look bad. She was very upset I would even consider.

I understand it looks bad, but in the same breath, I am tired of missing out on things due to her just not being able to cope with life. And we have no kids, so I am not talking about the fact we are going 100 miles an hour each week..we do NOTHING.

So now I have to miss this huge event of our nephew's because of her, and I really do not want to.

Am I being unreasonable by wanting to go alone, or should I be supporting her and not going and keeping my mouth shut? I am again confused by her reaction and wondering if it is me that is the issue in that I am not getting it right.[/QUOTE]


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What MEM said. And if she wants to get her panties in a knot over it, it's her option.

Read up on "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" as well. I suspect there's more going on than you initially discuss. Which is good... You have to start somewhere!

C


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Nicholas,
> This is very disturbing to read. Your wife is being selfish by not attending. That isn't good, but it is her problem, not yours.
> 
> But she is being frighteningly controlling and aggressive by telling you not to attend.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nicholascanada said:


> I appreciate that, but she was and would be crazy mad if I go alone. I can already tell by her reaction to me just casually suggesting I would go by myself, that if I actually did, she will flip.


What will she do when she’s crazy mad? Why are you afraid of this?

Your desire to support your nephew by being there is a good, healthy thing for both you and him. You know that this is something that you need to do. So do it.

If you wife choses to get crazy mad, that’s on her. By not going you are enabling her bad behavior. From your post it sounds like she uses her depression to a way to control you... a form of emotional abuse. The more you allow her to control you like this, the worse it is going to get.

And no you are not making her look bad if you go. All you need to do is to tell people that she had prior plans or that she did not feel well enough to attend.


nicholascanada said:


> I would say maybe to social anxiety, she just doesn't go out of her way to spend time with people. And with no friends, she is able to achieve that fairly easily. She needs to spend a lot of down time just recharging it seems from each day. Yes to counselling, although not for a long time. Yes to meds and they definitely help.


Your wife’s depression and mental state is her responsibility. You can be supportive of her getting well and handling things, but you are not responsible for her mental health.


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What will she do when she’s crazy mad? Why are you afraid of this?
> 
> Your desire to support your nephew by being there is a good, healthy thing for both you and him. You know that this is something that you need to do. So do it.
> 
> ...


Her reaction most likely will be a few days of not talking to me AT ALL. I do not like conflict I guess, so I don't usually push back. Last year some might recall that when I wanted to purchase a new vehicle, she said she would start a war if I went ahead. Then this year she bought a bunch of furniture for the house that I did not approve of, and just went ahead on her own even though I said to wait.

I think that is where I fail about thinking somehow I am responsible for her health and state of mind. So when she wants to pull out of going this Fri, I don't push back and think if I do go alone, then somehow I am not supporting her and not respecting her health or wishes. I can imagine that is what she will say when I tell her I am going...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nicholascanada said:


> Her reaction most likely will be a few days of not talking to me AT ALL. I do not like conflict I guess, so I don't usually push back. Last year some might recall that when I wanted to purchase a new vehicle, she said she would start a war if I went ahead. Then this year she bought a bunch of furniture for the house that I did not approve of, and just went ahead on her own even though I said to wait.
> 
> I think that is where I fail about thinking somehow I am responsible for her health and state of mind. So when she wants to pull out of going this Fri, I don't push back and think if I do go alone, then somehow I am not supporting her and not respecting her health or wishes. I can imagine that is what she will say when I tell her I am going...


What she is doing is wrong. 

Her depression has nothing to do with you giving you ultimatums about starting wars and not talking for days. 

What she is doing it using her depression as an excuse to control you. You are enabling her bad behavior.

Since you do not have the strength to stand up to her and tell her to stop this, I think you need to get into IC so you can learn how to deal with conflict.

Do you really want to destroy all of your personal relationships just so that she will behave?


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What she is doing is wrong.
> 
> Her depression has nothing to do with you giving you ultimatums about starting wars and not talking for days.
> 
> ...


Yes I know that I am an enabler, but need to stop this. But I prob will just leave her as I think in the end there is no hope left...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nicholascanada said:


> Yes I know that I am an enabler, but need to stop this. But I prob will just leave her as I think in the end there is no hope left...


Well, I agree... I'd leave someone who treated me as she is treating you. 

There are women out there who do not play these sorts of mean spirited control games.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I suggest you go to your family functions irregarless what she has to say about it. She is in no way incapable and getting out with family MIGHT be really good for her.

However..if she chooses not to go..again, you yourself should.

Granted, she MAY be suffering from depression...BUT some of the things required REGARDING depression might include getting out with people. Might be the best thing for her.

You are a good husband. However, that doesn't mean that you have to give up what you enjoy if she chooses not to join you.

Depression really stinks, but sometimes a person needs to help themselves..even if it means getting out of bed and going to a family function..as I believe it would probably be very good for her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nicholas,
I know how this plays out. After days of the silent treatment you typically cave/apologize/try to make peace. 

Stop doing that. You are feeding the monster of entitlement. 

When she gives you the silent treatment, do three things:
- Be home a LOT less. Just send her a very short text saying yon are out with friends or running errands and will be home late. Don't call and don't let her call and berate you. If she does that, let her subsequent calls go to voicemail and just text her that you are in a loud place and if she needs something she can text you.
- When you are home, make a few calls to friends/family and be very upbeat/happy/joking around with them. 
- Say hello when you come home, but that is all. If she is being silent, LET HER be silent. 

One separate note. In this type situation your wife knows she is totally in the wrong. She is trying to bully you. Tell her that you would like to see a marriage counselor because the marriage is not healthy. 

She will refuse. She knows a counselor will call her on her bull shlt. And that is when you say: you don't have to attend, but I am going to go anyway, if you change your mind let me know. 





nicholascanada said:


> Her reaction most likely will be a few days of not talking to me AT ALL. I do not like conflict I guess, so I don't usually push back. Last year some might recall that when I wanted to purchase a new vehicle, she said she would start a war if I went ahead. Then this year she bought a bunch of furniture for the house that I did not approve of, and just went ahead on her own even though I said to wait.
> 
> I think that is where I fail about thinking somehow I am responsible for her health and state of mind. So when she wants to pull out of going this Fri, I don't push back and think if I do go alone, then somehow I am not supporting her and not respecting her health or wishes. I can imagine that is what she will say when I tell her I am going...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Go to the concert. Life is too short to pass up opportunities like this.

My stepMIL decided in 1991 that her health and that of my FIL was too poor for them to see their grandchildren for any length of time. She was in fact very healthy and lived until 2011. My FIL is still alive (93) but between the ages of 71 and 91 he barely saw his grandchildren for fear that it might damage his health. Once she lost her mind and had to go into a home for the last 12 months things changed there, fortunately.

Some people just worry too much about their health to enjoy life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you posting under two names? You and sunnyroses have the identical back story with the same controlling wives.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She is making herself look bad.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Depression is a thing by itself. Controlling behavior is a thing by itself. There's no connection between the two. 

You should go to your family events. Tell her that you will tell them that she has a stomach bug or something like that. I know this is lying, but it will tell you whether she feels guilt about not wanting to go or really wants to manipulate you for some twisted reason. 

If she is fine with your deception and doesn't punish you for it later, then she has more of an agoraphobia type issue. If she isn't fine with the deception, then you have a bigger problem because she is trying to make you responsible for her issues.


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## nicholascanada (Aug 10, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Depression is a thing by itself. Controlling behavior is a thing by itself. There's no connection between the two.
> 
> You should go to your family events. Tell her that you will tell them that she has a stomach bug or something like that. I know this is lying, but it will tell you whether she feels guilt about not wanting to go or really wants to manipulate you for some twisted reason.
> 
> If she is fine with your deception and doesn't punish you for it later, then she has more of an agoraphobia type issue. If she isn't fine with the deception, then you have a bigger problem because she is trying to make you responsible for her issues.


When I mentioned we could say she was ill, she still was upset about the idea and wondered why I wanted to go so badly. I told her because i wanted to start doing these things now that I am feeling better. That is when a few minutes of silent treatment commenced. 

She is not scared of people. She just spent 3 hours in a jam packed mall by herself. Partly disease, partly not though, she always needs to do nothing after working each day. It is more a choice than disease. Disease wise she is feeling very well. I have heard so many people say she teally just brings this back on many subjects to being about her. 

We were talking about my cancer recently. I am so happy i am just here. But there are changes now that are very frustrating i have to now deal with. I was discussing how that sucks, in a short "whoas me" moment. She sympathized very little and quickly reminded me how long and what she has to deal with on her depression. It really showed me a lot how quick she was get the focus back to her struggles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

so what did you finally do?


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