# i need to leave this untrusting abusive man



## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

I've been with my fiance for 3 years. when i was 14 i was told i would be unable to ever have kids. i was sexually active with my ex of 8 years and nothing ever happened. when i met my fiance 3 months later i got pregnant while i was on birth control :/ . 

i would notice that he would like to talk to himself at night and he was very angry and very easily triggered. I thought that maybe it was because he abused drugs for so long and he mentioned he suffered from ptsd. He would get very angry at times but i was very patient and very loving and i "thought" that would help him.

Before i found out i was pregnant i was going to stop seeing him because he kept insinuating that i would talk to other guys and tell me that he knows that other guys hit on me. When i found out i was pregnant i would hear him in the middle of the night talking to himself saying things like "this btch told me she couldnt get pregnant" "what the **** im too old to have a baby" (i was 27 at the time and he was 45) this talking went on for days until i decided i was going to get an abortion. i reached out to my mom crying and she said please don't have an abortion because she considered it a miracle baby. i spoke to him about and he also said not to do it and he promised to stop talking about me supposedly lying to him about getting pregnant. everything at 1st seemed fine until 3 months later i started excessively bleeding and i called 911 bcause i thought i was having a miscarriage. thank god everything was fine. The reason why i started bleeding was because i moved a very heavy box and i told him that but i was too embarrassed to tell the doctor that. the doc asked me if i was doing lots of bending, exercises, pushing or pulling or sex. i told him i pushed something heavy. all my fiance heard was sex and from there on for my entire pregnancy was that he suspects i was having sex with the man that lives upstairs. and randomly telling me how men like to have sex with pregnant women. through my entire pregnancy i was still loving and patient. 

we got into a very heated argument when our son was 3 weeks old because he hadnt pooped in 2 weeks and was extrmely uncomfortable and in pain and cried all the time. he decided to accuse me, my mother and my sister for our sons constipation. 1st it was my fault because according to him my breasts are broken and thats why our son wont latch on to get breast fed. then it was my sisters fault because the breast pump she ordered never came in time (which it did but i just so happened to go into labor the day it arrived and no one was home to sign for the package) then it was my moms fault because supposedly she never taught how to eat correctly causing me to be constipated and im the reason for the constipation. he had a couple of drinks and while holding our baby he got in my face and started yelling at me. i took the baby from him and placed him on the bed and he got more in my face and i was literally up against the wall. i lost it and smacked him. i felt like i couldnt do anything else. he called me every name in the book. from that day i knew that there was something seriously wrong with him. he blames everybody and everything anytime something happens.

as far as his insecurities goes it happens at least 3 to4 times a week. its either im friendly with some guy in my job, im friendly with some at shoprite, im friendly with facebook friends. its always someone. at some point it was even the 63 year maintenance worker in my old job and the ambulance drivers in the hospital. and everyday it was the 2 guys that lived upstairs because according to him im obsessed with black people. last year october i got fired from my job and instead of him manning up and working extra he stayed home for an ENTIRE MONTH. our rent was late and nothing got paid until my mom and my sister stepped in and paid the rent and everything else. luckily i got approved for a credit card and was able to pay the car and cell phone bill. the reason why he didnt go to work was because he thought id go upstairs to hang out the men. i got so mad at him that i decided to leave him for 2 weeks and go to florida with my sister. i would speak to him every single night for at least an hour. but according to him i never called him because i was too busy hanging out and looking at men. when i got back home he insinuated i was using cocaine because its a famous drug in florida. i had went to target to buy our son something and when i was checking out he kept calling me back to back so i didnt answer because im not understadng why do you need to check on if ive only been gone 15 minutes? when i got home he snatched the receipt to see if its true that i was in target and then accused me of using cocaine in the target bathroom . he started looking through my phone to see what calls i made so i changed my password and till this day he has 0 access to my phone. he would look through my phone ALL the time and he never found anything but that wasnt enough for him. he will say things like "you are a computer genius and can erase anything" or "if you were cheating you wouldnt leave any evidence behind" so it was always a loose loose. 

for the 1st 2 years he never paid a single bill. NOTHING. when i lost my job i demanded he gives me half of everything. which he didnt . he was suppose to give me at least 300 a month for the rent at least and the most he gave me a month was 200. i didnt complain because at least he was trying. but i stopped buying him cigarettes and beers and he was very upset about that. 

we now live in georgia because he woke up pissed off one day talking about the man that lives upstairs and demanded i call my dad so that he can make arragments so wer can move to georgia. 2 weeks later we moved to georgia.

i thought it be different but now i purposely leave the shades open so the men across the street can see me, i must be talking to someone at my job because i work a double shift on saturday and sundays. according to him its easier on the weekends and the bosses arent there so im free to do what ever i want . 2 weeks ago he kept accusing me of ordering packages so that i can see the ups man! everyday he will ask me if the ups man came at 1st i didnt know why. then one day he said "why the **** is the ups man always here. you probaby wait for him to say hi to him and talk to him" he got me so mad but i very calmly said "since you are always accusing me of saying hi to the mail man i'm going to purposely say hi to him now" then he came from behind me and pushed my head with his hands. i immediately called my brother and he picked me up and i slept in my dads house for 4 days. i didnt answer his calls or respond to his messages. i only texted him once telling him hes more than welcomed to come over to see his son. i will never keep him from his son. the day i got home kept calling me mean and nasty and im pure denial about his behavior.

yesterday was the worst day for me. i wanted to surprise him by installing a new kitchen faucet. i followed the instructions. the manual said to turn off the water supply under the sink NOT the man water supply to the entire house. he was at work and i waited for our son to take a nap and got right on it. everything was going smoothly until the nut on the pipe came off and now theres water shooting up to the ceiling. hot water. i called 911 for the fire department and after struggling for 5 minutes and getting burned the attachment stayed on long enough so that i can grab all the towels and blankets to catch the water. i was crying and shaking praying that my fiance will happen to come home. 2 seconds later i hear the car pull up. when i saw him i felt relieved and saved! i opened the door and said "babe help me please i have an emergency our kitchen is flooded" he came in and immediatly started yelling at me and cursing and calling a idiot and stupid. tell me i dont know what im doing. "you dont know your ass from your hole" "stop acting like your a handy man" "you think your so smart" "dum dum" "this is so stupid" "you broke the water". all of this while im standing there crying like a baby. not once did he ask me if i was ok . not once did he ask about our son. after the fire department came and turned the water off he continued with his i told you so's and after i expressed anger is when he asked me if i was ok and gave me a hug. i cried for hours after he went back to work. i dont know why but that water flood was scarey and devastating to me. i could have gotten seriously hurt or our son. i called my landlord and told him that that pipe is old and rusted. the fire department said it could have happened to anyone because usually you dont have to turn the main water supply off. 

when he got home that night iwas talking to my best friend daniel who is gay and has no interest in me. we were on the phone for 4 hours. within the 1st hour he starts yelling at my best friend through the phone saying "**** you daniel you ****ing ******" for absolutely no reason. then 5 minutes later hes saying sorry and that he loves him. so we ignored his outburst. then out of no where he starts talking about daniels past drug use and how hes scared that daniel might influence me into doing drugs. now in the last 4 years i have only seen daniel 1 time and if anyone id going to influence me to do drugs it will be my fiance since hes the one always telling me how i should smoke weed to lighten up or pop pills to have fun with him. normal caring people dont do that.

after 3 hours of being on the phone he comes in paces and starts staring at me and comes up to me and puts his fingers in my face and says "who are you talking to some guy from your job" "who the **** are you talking to!!" i ignored him and 15 minutes later he snatches my phone and starts talking on it saying "oh you think you are a man talking to my girl" "***** i'll kill you" "come to my ****ing house" "oh what your not going to say anything! who the **** is this!" so i yelled out to daniel to please say something and when he heard daniels voice he started laughing and apologizing. right there i told him i do not want to be with him anymore. im starting to hate him. i just dont know what hes capable of or how do i actually up and leave. my father is aware and wants me to move in with him. im open to any suggestions please . he refuses help and is in complete denial about his abuse. he claims its all me and that i am over exaggerating


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Wow, so every time he did something abusive you forgive him and moved on. Do you think he is still doing some kind of drugs still?

His behavior is abusive and not normal. Sounds like he has mental health issues.

Why do you want to stay with him? I don't see any advantages. 

Either, he gets some sort of mental health help to control his temper and learn how to manage himself. Or this will get worse as time progress. 

Do you think you can fix him with niceness? That never works. You can't change people's behavior by being nice to them. 

I would highly advice that you take your child and go back to your family.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How long do you plan to be his doormat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

i thought if i was patient and helped him through his problems he will change but i see now that the change will never happen and for the sake of our son i have to leave him. i do love him and i did have faith in a change but i see now it will never happen


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

thats what im trying to say that i am done but i dont know how to leave. im scared . my father wont be moving to his own for a couple of months


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Can you stay with your sister or mum until you can get a job and babysitting figured out?

Next time he gets into your face and is yelling call the cops. You need to have documentation of his abuse. 

In the meantime figure out where you can stay in the event that you have to move quickly.


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

my sister is in florida and my mom is in new york. once my dad moves i can go with him. but that will take some time until he finds a house and moves in


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

i do however have a aunt here and she might help


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Are there any shelters for domestic abuse victims in your area?


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

yes there are shelters in the area. ive reached out to my dad and he said i can go over there to his house and we will sort everything out


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jlee12 said:


> yes there are shelters in the area. ive reached out to my dad and he said i can go over there to his house and we will sort everything out


*Move as soon as it is feasibly possible! You and your young son need protection! If you must leave early, get with one of your local churches and have them try to intercede for you!

Will be continually praying for your safety and well-being!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

jlee12 said:


> we got into a very heated argument when our son was 3 weeks old because he hadnt pooped in 2 weeks and was extrmely uncomfortable and in pain and cried all the time.


When I read this I thought you meant your husband was constipated not your son!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

He sounds like a paranoid schizophrenic.

Go to your father's. NOW.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is something that might help you come up with a plan. 

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your fiancé clearly has mental health and anger issues. But as you have found out, you cannot really help him. This is something that he needs to do and it seems he does not even realize that he has issues. So clearly he's not going to get any help.

One major issue you have is that he is the father of your child. While you say that you would not keep his son from him, is he really safe around a child? From what you say about him, I'm not so sure that he is. You need to get help for the sake of your son. Even if you do not go to a shelter, you can get help from them in handling this. Please go and ask for help. Explain what's going on.. you could just have them read what you wrote here, if you want. Those types of organizations often can provide you with counseling so that you get emotionally stronger. 

But they also often have access to attorneys who will help you. Very often they provide pro-bono help for those who cannot afford legal fees.

You need to get something established that provides him with only supervised visitation. If he's not safe for you to be around, he's clearly not safe for your son to be around unsupervised.

Keep in mind that until you have a court order that says who has primary custody, your husband could just show up and take your kid with him. And you would have to fight to get him back.

So see if you can get an emergency order done so that you have primary custody until there is a custody evaluation. Force the issue of a custody evaluation. I did that when I divorced my son's father. It forced him to have finally address some issues. The evaluators gave him even less time with our son than I was agreeing to because they said that he had serious issues. The evaluators also suggested to the court that he not have more time with our son until he completed some counseling. It was only after 2 years of weekly counseling that the counselors felt that he had addressed his anger issues adequately to get an extra day a week with our son. I am sooooo glad that I pushed it because he was never going to address his anger issues on his own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CantePe said:


> He sounds like a paranoid schizophrenic.
> 
> Go to your father's. NOW.


:iagree: Now!

Also keep in mind that the most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive partner is when she leaves him. This is especially true if it's the 3rd time she's leaving. This is your 3rd time.

So don't tell him that you are leaving. Get your supporters to plan this with you. Then leave when he's not home. Or when you are doing something normal with your child... like going to or from daycare.


.
Don't mean to scare you, but you need to think of your and your son's safety.


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

i just spoke to my dad and he is coming over tonight. im going to tell him that for the well being of our sons mental health and for our own happiness this relationship is over. i'll be leaving with my dad and taking our son with us. tomorrow while hes at work ill come back with my dad or brothers to retrieve some things and slowly start putting my things in storage until im able to afford my own place. thank you all so much for the support ive been longing for. thank you so so much


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope it goes ok. 

Have a plan for if it get volatile. Like call 911.

Stay safe. Let up know how it goes and if you are ok.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OP I have nothing to add. Just positive thoughts for you. Be well.


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

hello all. we sat down and spoke yesterday and he knows its over. we will stay in the same house together for a few weeks until he moves out but i won't be sleeping here. ill be here while hes at work and at night i'll be sleeping over my dads. on the weekends that im working my stepmom will have the baby on saturdays and he will have the baby on sundays while im working and will be dropping him off on monday mornings before he goes to work. he understood why the relationship had to end and it did hurt him a lot. we both cried but he knows a lot of damage has been done. last night i slept in an air mattress in our sons room and made sure the doors were locked just in case. i wont let my guard down. my dad passed by 3 times last night and called several times to make sure i was ok so for the most part i feel safe. i'll be leaving way before he gets home tonight because hes off tomorrow and i know he will have some beers tonight. im not 100% sure what his state of mind is at this point being that hes bipolar and moods do fluctuate. i'll keep you all posted from time to time. hopefully this thread can encourage someone who is going through what i am


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hi, I am amazed at your strength. You have done the right thing. Sounds like you have a plan in place. But can I get you to think about something? I was in your shoes for twelve long years. I lived under the same roof as my physically abusive boyfriend after I broke up with him. I figured it would be fine since he worked nights and I worked days. I realize you won't be sleeping at your house and I think that is imperative to sleep elsewhere. But I worry about you even being in the same house as him. If he wants to hurt you, he will find a way.. Who is to say your husband won't get off early one night and find you at home? A few weeks is far too long.. Any chance you can just move out and stay at your aunt or your fathers? I think you need to get out of there right this minute.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

hi everyone! i just wanted to update ya'll. I was finally able to move out on Oct 3rd. I'm still living with my dad. From time to time i get his random text messages of him ranting and accusing me of everything. I've learned to deal it a lot better. I either block him or i simply just don't read his messages anymore. We share custody of our son and he pays half of the daycare costs along with all other necessity that our son needs while hes with him on the weekends and wednesday nights. As far as our son goes he seems to be doing well. My ex, however,has managed to get himself banned from coming here because my stepmom feels disrespected by him. i don't blame her. 

as far as my mental health goes... i feel relieved. i feel happy and free from him to a certain extent. we share a son so i will never be truly free from him. but i am free from his abuse. I cry a lot because i miss the man he was, the man i fell in love with. when i close my eyes i see the "good" him and when i talk to him its all bad. I feel like im hurting not because we broke up but some part of me feels like he died and im mourning him... not sure if this is normal in any way shape or form. I didnt cry for the 1st 3 months of our separation, but i now find myself crying a lot. All these feelings go away the moment i hear his voice though. Not sure whats happening here but i hope it goes away.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

jlee12 said:


> I've been with my fiance for 3 years. when i was 14 i was told i would be unable to ever have kids. i was sexually active with my ex of 8 years and nothing ever happened. when i met my fiance 3 months later i got pregnant while i was on birth control :/ .
> 
> i would notice that he would like to talk to himself at night and he was very angry and very easily triggered. I thought that maybe it was because he abused drugs for so long and he mentioned he suffered from ptsd. He would get very angry at times but i was very patient and very loving and i "thought" that would help him.
> 
> ...


This isn't love it's obsession. Hun please listen to me, you need to grab your baby right NOW and leave to go to your parents house or brother's house. Make up an excuse RIGHT NOW and go before he hurts you or kills you. This is the classic start to all of those horror stories you read about domestic abuse turned deadly. He WILL HURT YOU or worse. Please please please leave before this becomes another sad story on the evening news. Do it for your baby. Go now please. I'm serious. He is MENTAL, his jealousy and control and anger will get worse. You and your baby ARE NOT SAFE.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jlee12 said:


> hi everyone! i just wanted to update ya'll. I was finally able to move out on Oct 3rd. I'm still living with my dad. From time to time i get his random text messages of him ranting and accusing me of everything. I've learned to deal it a lot better. I either block him or i simply just don't read his messages anymore. We share custody of our son and he pays half of the daycare costs along with all other necessity that our son needs while hes with him on the weekends and wednesday nights. As far as our son goes he seems to be doing well. My ex, however,has managed to get himself banned from coming here because my stepmom feels disrespected by him. i don't blame her.
> 
> as far as my mental health goes... i feel relieved. i feel happy and free from him to a certain extent. we share a son so i will never be truly free from him. but i am free from his abuse. I cry a lot because i miss the man he was, the man i fell in love with. when i close my eyes i see the "good" him and when i talk to him its all bad. I feel like im hurting not because we broke up but some part of me feels like he died and im mourning him... not sure if this is normal in any way shape or form. I didnt cry for the 1st 3 months of our separation, but i now find myself crying a lot. All these feelings go away the moment i hear his voice though. Not sure whats happening here but i hope it goes away.


I know it's hard to give on your marriage, but I think you did the right thing based on what you have posted here.

Just take care of yourself and your child. In time you will heal.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Sorry I didn't read through all of the posts! I'm glad you left. You are so very very strong!


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

i left him months ago. i left him in august. i was updating everyone on how things are going since i left


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

thank you so much


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## jlee12 (Aug 24, 2016)

thank you. i hope i make a full recovery from this. a lot of damage was done


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