# "In-House" Seperation...Thoughts? Advice? Comments?



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Anyone have any experience with this?
Pros? Cons?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

What's your situation? It might make a difference.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I'm doing it now and it sucks. 

Someone else posted that two things happen
1) you reconcile (ie sneak into the other bed) and don't fix the original problem
2) one party gets upset because the other is out

Even in my situation where I'm done with the marriage seeing my wife out all the time upsets me. If I didn't know it would be better. In fact the week she was out at her parents was the best week of my recent life. 

However, some people don't have the financial option to separate for real... I can just say for me it sucked and still sucks and I can't wait to get out of this house. Because this house is not a home (Three Days Grace - Home - YouTube)


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*angelpixie:* Quickest way to see my situation would be to click on "My Story" in my siggy and read the original post. Not trying to be lazy - just a lot of background there.

*devotion:* Been doing it for 2 mos now, and we seem to both be dealing w/ it pretty well. Initially, I thought I wanted to R, and W didn't want to go to MC. However w/ every passing day, I am reminded of things she does that I've never been comfortable with.

Of course - the same is probably true w/ her. 

At the least - its giving us time to reflect on what is best for us.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Glad to hear its working for you. For me maybe the divorce is painful and being reminded of her and assuming that she's out with other men (when she's likely doing the same crap as I do, just living her life) is not worth being in the same house.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

In ANY separation case, inhouse or not, there should ALWAYS be boundaries. 

Always figure out.. "Dating yes or no?" 

NO contact or LC? 

etc etc ETC... you get it 

This way there's no confusion on what's going on... "hey, why are you hanging with xxx?" 

Good luck to you all. I hope things work out for everyone. I know this pain, and it sucks.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

awful - torturous, awkward, stops either party from being able to move on


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

Went through it with my second husband. It lasted about a month and a half until he found his own place. I honestly don't believe I could have handled it any longer. It created a multitude of friction and arguments.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

skb said:


> Went through it with my second husband. It lasted about a month and a half until he found his own place. I honestly don't believe I could have handled it any longer. It created a multitude of friction and arguments.


As I said, we're handling it pretty well now. That could change at any minute, obviously.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

I wouldn't want to be here but thankfully he's away at his mum's place at the moment. He had a string of long-term adulteries and I'd dread to see him coming home.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Omegaa said:


> I wouldn't want to be here but thankfully he's away at his mum's place at the moment. He had a string of long-term adulteries and I'd dread to see him coming home.


Not quite sure what you're saying... 
"You wouldn't want *him* to be here" or 
"*You* wouldn't want to be here". *???*


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

Hi sorry.

I meant, I would not want him to be "here" in our flat. I'm very sure that he doesn't want to be here in the same space as I am. He does not like to discuss things - he expects me to obey his decisions. I can't live like this anymore.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Well, I didn't stay here either Friday or Saturday night. W hasn't said anything, or found any other subject to project her anger onto, but I can tell she's pizzed.

Beginning to wonder about this arrangement, lol


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

hi older timer

hope "the end" (you leaving or your wife going) won't be too far for you...

Hope you are getting decent sleep! Stress of breaking up is never good for any of us.  

Thank you for your friendly head's up.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Probably won't be very long, lol.


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## greystreet (Nov 26, 2012)

I just started a similar situation, though we are both (seemingly) in agreemnet that divorce is the best option...

Short story: financially he needs me to stay inthe house until he gets his promotion (March-ish) and then he can afford the house on his own. Did you guys set up ground rules? We have "no dating" and "keep communication open" as our big ones.

I am curious about how you are both moving on if you're still living together - I am afraid of misleading him or holding him back from moving on (though he told me his recent fitness/diet burst started because he knew he'd have to be back on the market in the near future, so it's obviously been on his mind).

What kind of friction/arguments have you had? We have had two discussions right off the bat. Nothing major, but typically when I go out with my gay friends he doesn't come because he's a giant and the bars are crowded and everyone is dancing, but he'll come pick me up. Prior to us dating I would sleep at their house - so what would he want me to do so that he didn't think I was breaking the "no dating" rule (not that I'm one to randomly meet a guy in a bar or anything)? 

As a newbie to this situation, I'm trying to plan for potential pitfalls...

Best of luck in this craziness ending soon, to old timer and to all the others going through this same situation!


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

greystreet said:


> I just started a similar situation, though we are both (seemingly) in agreemnet that divorce is the best option...
> 
> Short story: financially he needs me to stay inthe house until he gets his promotion (March-ish) and then he can afford the house on his own. Did you guys set up ground rules? We have "no dating" and "keep communication open" as our big ones.
> 
> ...


Does "no dating" include say - one night stands? Or is he still eligible for... "nookie"?


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## greystreet (Nov 26, 2012)

caladan said:


> Does "no dating" include say - one night stands? Or is he still eligible for... "nookie"?


I'm not sure that he's ever had or ever desired a one-night stand, so I would say Yes, it does include that. I'm not looking for that either, and have never been much for "hooking up" or casual sex. If he found someone worth sleeping with, one night only or for a while, then I guess go for it - I'll deal with however that might make me feel and we move on. I think the no dating was more in terms of me not dating anyone, since I am the one who asked for the divorce and I am living in "his" house. I respect that and where it is coming from (and am moving out of state in a few months so wouldn't want to start anything anyway), so it's not a big problem for me.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

The ground rule I set (which caused much grumbling) is that pretty much absolutely no in person communication. The grumbling was "You can't be nice" blah blah, but I made the rule because every conversation seems to end in a fight at this point, and at least with email/text I can choose the fights -- and chose to let things go. I also chose that because then I have a record of everything said, period. That has been useful already. 

We never discussed the dating thing, but I know she already went on dates. She's smart enough to not bring someone home. We both spend a lot of time outside the house and in shared areas like the den, kitchen, etc, basically we wait till one person is out before the other person comes in. 

As the person being broken up with I still can't help but think of the crazy things she's doing with someone else, so I can't wait to get out and move on. But as a financially responsible guy (in history and also still paying for the mortgage on the house) I can't justify paying for two places. So we set a 'must move date' of a couple of months out, and I'm trying to pick a good date about a month out where I actually do the move. Mine is easy since I'm going apartment route and plenty around where I want to be, her's is more complex since she is going to a condo.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I am a week and half into in house seperation though in most senses of the word we seperated a month ago, she just hadnt voiced it.

It's hard.

For me, I want to fix things and get my wife back and seeing her everyday, talking about things etc makes dealing with my issues without her painful. I'll find a way to do because I have to.

It means I don't lose contact with my kids and If I can find the strength to not beg etc, then she will be right there to see the man she married return. thats what I get out of it. I have been impossible to live with due to depression. Maybe despite saying otherwise she still cares but as the wronged party Tbh I am still figuring out what she gets from it other than the kids stability.

My situation does not involve cheating or abuse so it is different in its root cause and we seem to be doing well on the civilility etc in front of the kids (the kids know but we have promised them to let it effect them as little as possible), once they go to bed/school though we are pretty cool with each other (she is better at that than me so far) mostly being in seperate rooms and I find that very difficult to deal with if I am honest.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

I am in a similar situation. It's been a month now. Nov 1st to be exact. The day after Halloween I will remember it forever, I will never be treated like that ever again. We were trying to work it out I guess, she wronged me for the last time with public humiliation. 

She came home from work and I was moved completely out of our bedroom and into our freshly finished basement. She did not expect that. I knew I could not sleep in the same bed of lies and deciet anymore, I am easily wavered chemically by people being physically in the same vicinity as me so I knew if I was going to change I could not be in that situation anymore.

We have not kissed/hugged nothing since then. We do not say I love you anymore. I don't know how it is going to be in the end, I know this won't last. BUT I have healed alot.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Update on my situation, but first a little background.

Firstly, let me emphasize that I am all for R if we *both* decide it is what is best for us going forward. My W - to this point - is not open to MC: She says "the feelings just aren't there anymore", and quite honestly I cannot say with certainty the feelings are there for me anymore, either.

When our "in-house separation" started about 2 1/2 months ago, I came and went as I pleased, w/o telling her I was leaving, and w/o any notice of when I would return. This went on for about a month. On one of my visits home, my W said she wanted me to either stay or go - that I had a place to go that was "mine" and she felt I was invading her space. I felt that was a reasonable request. I also added "quite honestly - I miss you" - and truthfully, I did. So I started staying at home every night.

With that in mind, here is what has transpired in the last 24 hours.

I mentioned in a previous post about not staying here (at our house) last weekend, and on Sunday, when I came back, she seemed miffed, and we both reverted to our time-honored tradition of not speaking to each other unless absolutely necessary. (I think this is referred to as "passive-aggressive").

Well - it finally surfaced yesterday, with her asking about my "disappearing act" and "attitude". She asked if she had done something to pizz me off (not in a sweet way, but more in a b*tchy way).

I had just come back from my first IC session, and was feeling quite good about myself, and answered "No, you didn't - I'm actually quite happy."

Having an urgent matter to attend to, I excused myself and returned home about 4 hours later - expecting her to likely already be in bed. She wasn't, and I went into her study and simply said "I'm sorry about last weekend - you didn't deserve that." She acknowledged with a nod. 

I asked her about a song she was playing (she has recently resumed playing guitar, after decades of not playing). She started talking about the song, I listened to her unfinished recording of the song (she's quite talented, btw). She started talking about some other songs she has recently uploaded onto youtube, which I have already heard, and the conversation was on. 

We ended up talking for about an hour, something we haven't done in probably 7 or 8 years, and shared a couple of beers. The convo veered off into our finances, which can be a touchy subject w/ us, but we stayed civil and friendly. I found this to be quite refreshing, and I do believe she felt the same way. At the end, I thanked her for bringing up for discussion something I had done that had bothered her.

I guess, if there's any point to be made here, it would be that if one or the other desires reconciliation, I think your interests would be best served to stay in the house, unless the situation is just so volatile or emotional that you can't stand it.

Will our marriage survive? I honestly do not know. I *do* know that even if it doesn't, she is still an interesting friend to have.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

Old timer

Sounds like a massive progress to me. What were the reasons why you two wanted to consider separation? Money issues, A or anything else?

Sorry, I need to be honest. I hadn't seen your original post re. your situation. 

I had a nice day out with my wh - I have been feeling closer to him as well. It seems that he's making far more effort for me it seems, offering to cook something special for both of us, offering more help, much more caring for me. 

Luckily, I am not trapped and am actively looking to move. So either way, I will be ok (either staying together or D). 

Having said that I really found it very hard when he was away to spend his time alone with his mother last weekend. I did miss him a lot and didn't like him not around. I told him if he's going away again, I will move out. And I will because not having him around was killing me. I rather move out and be with other people e.g. family, friends etc.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Omegaa said:


> Old timer
> 
> Sounds like a massive progress to me. What were the reasons why you two wanted to consider separation? Money issues, A or anything else?
> 
> Sorry, I need to be honest. I hadn't seen your original post re. your situation.


You can read about my situation here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61647-we-both-cheated-now-what-ltm.html

It seems to be a fairly unique situation on TAM.
That is - if all posters are being honest, lol


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

old timer said:


> You can read about my situation here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61647-we-both-cheated-now-what-ltm.html
> 
> ...


Thanks, old timer. hope you get the outcome you seek. xxx
:smthumbup:

I will look. How many years are you together if you don't mind me asking this? 

Enjoy the rest of weekend. xx


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Omegaa said:


> How many years are you together if you don't mind me asking this?
> 
> Enjoy the rest of weekend. xx


24 years tomorrow


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

old timer said:


> You can read about my situation here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61647-we-both-cheated-now-what-ltm.html
> 
> ...


There are other posters with a situation similiar to yours. My H and I being one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> There are other posters with a situation similiar to yours. My H and I being one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*pidge70:* Didn't mean to sound like we were a one-of-a-kind deal. When I first came to TAM, I searched through a lot of threads and never saw one. 

Actually, I think there are many more stories like yours and mine out there, but some want to hang onto that moral high ground (like I did for a couple of months), rather than admit they also had an affair. 

Obviously this is JMHO.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

So looks like I'm a veteran here - 8 months + of in house separation. There are pros and cons of course like any other situation

Pros - you don't kill yourself financially, separating makes you feel more your own person again, kids have a normal house (my kids understand it's better when we in different bedrooms), you may start feeling closer to your partner when shearing house duties, watching the movie together but without "shop" talk and pressures and arguments

Cons - partner may forget separation is ON ( mine had to be reminded few times), difficult to have friends over to talk about your problems, you may have a quickie without thinking ( you wouldn't call for quickie if he/she would be leaving in different place)

Ground rules?
It depends on the reason for separation - if you separated to get divorce I wouldn't recommend in house. If the reason is to have a break and find yourself again then follow mine
1. No sex - different bedrooms - don't have one? You all have couches
2. no talk about sex
3. Sharing all house expenses and duties
4. keeping taps on each other is a NO,NO
5. Any marriage talk on neutral grounds - never in the house

So summarizing - room mates. We watch movies, entertain friends and talk kids, business as normal. It works for me as long as both parties agree.

@Dolly "awful - torturous, awkward, stops either party from being able to move on"

Are you talking separation prior to divorce? Cause otherwise I do not understand the "moving on part"?


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

old timer said:


> 24 years tomorrow


It sounds like you had a long, successful marriage.

I heard over the radio the other day that 80% of people who decided to divorce due to "adultery" regretted having a divorce.

Have you had any mediation etc yet? I'm going through this at the moment in case, our marriage is not going to work out. We have feelings for each other but feelings alone are not going to vanish existing problems.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*pandorabox:* Eight months? Wow! Do you mind sharing what prompted your separation?

*Omegaa:* If by mediation you mean marriage counseling - no, we have not. I have started individual counseling. My W isn't interested in MC at this time.


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