# How to love?



## newlab (Mar 9, 2017)

I have separated from my ex since January, paperwork finalized in September. I have a 4-year-old toddler girl who lives with me 50% of the time. 

I have talked to a few girls already, and since June, I feel like I have met the one. I met her online (she's from the same Asian country as me but living in France). She's in her early 30, never married but had a few relationships. We have talked and Whatsapp a lot every day. I mean a lot. Imagine like hundreds to thousands of messages a day, not counting phone calls. We find every possible available time to talk to each other. There's concern that we might get bored of that quickly, but it has been like that for 5 months. 

I met her twice, the first time it was a 4 days trip to Paris, and recently a 2 week trip. Sex was excellent, much better than with my ex tbh. I can feel how much she loves me and how much she cares about me. The last trip I was with my daughter and I also feel she treated my daughter with great kindness and thoughtfulness, nothing fake. 

The issue is that when we are distant, I feel like I love her like crazy. But when we met, I am not so sure. And when I got back to the US, I miss her a lot again. It's like that for both of my trips. To be exact, when we met, there were days that I felt like I want to marry her immediately, but then there were days I was not sure about my feeling toward her. There's always something off. I tried to analyze my feeling but could not make it clear. For example, I thought it's about her appearance, but then I quickly discarded that thought. She's not as beautiful as the pics she sent me but I do find she's lovely. Some other small things that I felt bad about for one day but then the next day I felt normal. I don't know, is it the divorce that makes me too demanding?

Recently we discussed a plan that she comes to the US for studying, and of course, she's gonna live with me. Everything is set and the study starts this January. She's willing to move to the US with that plan; the only condition is that she knows for sure that I love her. But like I said above, I'm not so sure. It's a big move for both of us and I feel a lot of pressure. We talked about my feeling and now she's very disappointed. It's not about the plan starts in January, we can delay that. But she said she can accept that feeling the first time we met, but if after the 2nd time (the 2 week trip) I still feel like that, then what's gonna happen when she lives with me in the US? And she has suggested ending the relationship!

I understand and respect her feeling, it's a risky move for her I know (she doesn't need to study again, to be honest, she's got her MBA in France already), but deep inside I don't want to lose her. I might not be able to find another girl who's as much a match to me like her. Why do I feel what I feel? Is it because it's too early for me to date after my last marriage and I'm still not fully healed (I got cheated by my ex btw). What should I do with this relationship?


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

This is something you are going to have to figure out for yourself. I don't think it's too early since your divorce, but it does sound like you are being cautious because you want to make sure you find the "right one". Perhaps to ensure you don't go through divorce again? And that's fine too, but be careful that you aren't overly critical or lead yourself into believing there's someone "perfect" out there or even that you can do better.

Don't isolate small picky little things, look at the relationship as a whole. Your communication sounds great, she's pleasing to your eye, sex is good, she's willing to move to you, and she's accepting of your daughter. I commend you for being honest with her prior to her moving and bringing this topic up with her in advance because it is a huge impact on her life. I think you do love her; I think you have some jitters from the effects of your divorce. If you come to the same conclusion, I would explain this to her in detail and then say you have trust that having her close will relieve any fears you might have in a repeat of your prior relationship.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think... 
I think you think a lot. 

Maybe too much.

I think you sabotaged this relationship by talking about your feelings of doubt with this new lady.
I think you talked too much.

Coming back from this talking is going to hurt.

Hurt, both of you.

Doubt instills doubt, breaks hopes fragile hold.

All of us have doubts about the future.
Not all doubt has to be revealed.

Until that same doubt becomes surety.

Right now that doubt remains doubt.

Without a doubt, you have given it power.
You have given 'doubt' power, not strength.

There is no strength in doubt.
Only an undermining weakness.

My suggestion?

a) Bring her to the U.S.
Never show her any more doubt again.
Or, if you do it will later be based on established fact, not on doubts.

No relationship is perfect.
The best are based on common compatibles, not on infatuation or from being insecure living alone.

b) Or tell her not to come.
Meaning, without a doubt you enjoy her company, but do not love her.
Meaning, you do not love her 'enough'.

Do not waste her precious time....or yours.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

newlab said:


> Recently we discussed a plan that she comes to the US for studying, and of course, she's gonna live with me. Everything is set and the study starts this January. She's willing to move to the US with that plan; the only condition is that she knows for sure that I love her.


LOL. She's '_willing'_ to move to the US just to be with you? How big of her to make such a sacrifice. 

Sorry, but there's a REASON so many women overseas seem to zero in on men in the US or UK and it's usually because they want to be brought to that country for a better life, not because they see you as their soul mate. If she were REALLY looking for love, she wouldn't have wasted her time with a stranger from the US wanting to 'chat' with her online - she would have been putting in an effort *locally* to find that love of her life. Give me a break.

You'd be a damned fool to bring her here. Think twice about it then think a third time.

And if you have to, think a fourth time while you're at it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It sounds like you may not want to really keep her, but you do not want to lose her or the option on your terms to choose her later.

Let her go unless you can get off the fence.


----------



## newlab (Mar 9, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. She's '_willing'_ to move to the US just to be with you? How big of her to make such a sacrifice.
> 
> Sorry, but there's a REASON so many women overseas seem to zero in on men in the US or UK and it's usually because they want to be brought to that country for a better life, not because they see you as their soul mate. If she were REALLY looking for love, she wouldn't have wasted her time with a stranger from the US wanting to 'chat' with her online - she would have been putting in an effort *locally* to find that love of her life. Give me a break.
> 
> ...


This might be true, but she's currently living in France always has followers. Not sure how much of an upgrade the US is compared to France, and if that's a big one, whether it's worth the risk. Another note is that in her past relationships she's always a dedicated one until the other guys treated her badly. Moving to US, she doesn't ask me to marry her immediately. All she asks is that I love her.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk


----------



## newlab (Mar 9, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It sounds like you may not want to really keep her, but you do not want to lose her or the option on your terms to choose her later.
> 
> Let her go unless you can get off the fence.


Thank you for pointing it out, I thought about that too. May be I'm like that. One thing for sure is I understand deeply how hurtful it is to be a backup option, I was once being a backup for my ex wife. I won't make this girl suffer like that. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You have spent NINETEEN days together. 

Why would you ever consider agreeing to move someone in with you and your child that you have spent only 19 days with???? If your XW meets a guy from Tunisia and spends 19 days with him, and decides to move him in with her and your daughter, what would you think???

Insanity.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Also, consider setting your online dating profile to only let you meet people that live within a reasonable distance from you (100 miles etc). Date local women. 

Also, go back and watch all the seasons of the tv show called “90 day Fiancé”.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is insanity. You are barely divorced and already you've attached yourself to a new woman. And you want to move her here after a matter of months, and barely even being in each other's presence?? This is doomed to fail, spectacularly.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Texting, and Skype are not the same thing as being in each other's presence. You have no idea of many things that can really matter, her personal habits, what she does when she is not online with you, her family and friend relationships, etc. There are soooo many things that you learn from a person by actually being in their presence that can make or break a relationship. 19 days is not enough time for a person to stop being on their best behavior and show you who they really are. And it goes both ways.

If she comes to the USA, she needs to have her own place, and she needs to know that you can make no promises to her, and expect none from her. Don't encourage her to move in with you and your child. That move will create a disaster waiting to happen.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's impossible to truly know someone who lives that far away from you. What you love is a personality that she portrays online and on the telephone. It's not real. I think that's why you feel that something is off when you see her in person. The real her and the online/phone her do not match. Something is not right.

You have have no idea if she loves her child or what she will be like towards your child if she moves in with you. It's easy to get along with a child for a few days. It's easy to put on a good show of it. It's a lot harder to walk into a family and become basically a step parent. 

Her moving from France to the USA with someone she's spend a whole 19 days with makes no sense.

If she moves here, you will find that the you will have to start from scratch in building a real relationship.

Your description of the amount of time you two spend on the phone and on line is also over the top. It's not love. It's some kind of extended infatuation that is being prolonged by you two being part.

This will most likely not end well if she moves I with you.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It's impossible to truly know someone who lives that far away from you. What you love is a personality that she portrays online and on the telephone. It's not real. I think that's why you feel that something is off when you see her in person. The real her and the online/phone her do not match. Something is not right.
> 
> You have have no idea if she loves her child or what she will be like towards your child if she moves in with you. It's easy to get along with a child for a few days. It's easy to put on a good show of it. It's a lot harder to walk into a family and become basically a step parent.
> 
> ...


*I do not honestly believe, @newlab ~ that you have allowed yourself the requisite period of time to effectively grieve after the original divorce, before succumbing to the loneliness that is fostering this sudden new relationship!

Lose her, and better yourself psychologically and emotionally for a new relationship, or you'll 
find yourself reliving through this same exact tragedy!*


----------



## newlab (Mar 9, 2017)

I know people, it's less than 1 year since separation for me. It's all online etc, and I don't know the real stuff yet. You are all right!

I've been thinking a lot in the last few days. I dated my ex 4 years before we got married. Yet there's still a large part of her I don't know. I used to think she's the most honest person I've ever known, and now everything she says could be a lie. Most of my friends say that marriage is still mostly a lottery , You never truly know people whether you date for a few months or few years. 

There's still a lot I don't know about this girl too, for sure, but the more I think about it, the stronger the feeling I have about this. I miss her dearly. She's not the only one I talked to since January, I actually talked to quite a lot, but it's very special with her. This girl loves me, that I can be sure. She understands me, my goods and my bads. Moving to the US, the risk is all on her. I have nothing to lose. My only concern is that I'm going to ruin her time. And just like @BigToe said, that means I really care about her too. 

I'm gonna go with my gut feeling this time. So cheers for me!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

newlab said:


> I know people, it's less than 1 year since separation for me. It's all online etc, and I don't know the real stuff yet. You are all right!
> 
> I've been thinking a lot in the last few days. I dated my ex 4 years before we got married. Yet there's still a large part of her I don't know. I used to think she's the most honest person I've ever known, and now everything she says could be a lie. Most of my friends say that marriage is still mostly a lottery <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>, You never truly know people whether you date for a few months or few years.
> 
> ...


That’s not your gut you are following. Sorry. Your gut is being drowned out by your limerance. You can’t hear anything else.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

newlab said:


> There's still a lot I don't know about this girl too, for sure, but the more I think about it, the stronger the feeling I have about this. I miss her dearly. She's not the only one I talked to since January, I actually talked to quite a lot, but it's very special with her. This girl loves me, that I can be sure. She understands me, my goods and my bads.


I'm always amazed at how easily and quickly gals overseas seem to _fall in love_ with guys in the US. Why, it's just a Christmas miracle. 



> Moving to the US, the risk is all on her. I have nothing to lose.


Good lord. You really aren't able to look at the BIG picture here, are you?

If this girl moves here, why would she be doing it? For YOU supposedly, because she's 'so in love with you.' That means YOU get to live with the knowledge that some woman you barely know chose to move thousands of miles to your country *just to be with you*. Do you honestly believe if it all goes south a couple months after she gets here that you can just up and disappear? LOL!!!!!! You'll be the center of her whole world so good luck ghosting her. And don't think for a minute you won't be heavily relied upon to offer financial support - especially if her Visa doesn't allow her to work for the duration of her 'visit' in the US. Jeez.

Yeah, you'll be the center of her world _until_ she gets her green card (thanks to you) and is then free to do whatever she wants. When *that* happens, the jury is still out as to whether she'll actually still be around or not.

Some folks have to learn the hard way, I guess.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If she moves to US, what is the plan for her if for whatever reason it doesn't work out?

Even if all have the best intentions there is a possibility it just doesn't work. 

Will she have to return to home country? Will she get to stay if married, divorced?

Would you have additional financial responsibilities to her/for her, if separated?

I don't doubt if you proceed you'll have good thoughts towards things working out, but as I'm sure you know sometimes it's necessary to play your own devil's advocate and remind yourself of what's the worst that can happen.

Remember also; you're not the only person that will make decisions in the relationship success or failure. 

She has her own vision for her future. Are you sure what that is?

Just food for thought. 

Best of luck.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wow, I see more than a few issues. The first being you think she is the "one". There is no such thing as the one. The world is full of options. She just happened to be the first (one) you fell for. Next is the fact that you have only been divorced for about 4 months, even if you have been separated for almost a year. I do not know how long you were married, but that is not really long enough for you to have spent the time and the energy to find out who you are and what you want. Then we have the fact that to this point neither you nor anyone else has mentioned the fact that you have a four year living with you half of the time. This means you are going to introduce this woman who you have spent a grand total of 19 days with into HER life. It one thing to visit, it is quite another to be live with someone 24/7. But if you have made up your mind already, I would tell you good luck, but the better choice is talk to you soon, because I think you will be back and next time more shattered than now.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

newlab said:


> I know people, it's less than 1 year since separation for me. It's all online etc, and I don't know the real stuff yet. You are all right!
> 
> I've been thinking a lot in the last few days. I dated my ex 4 years before we got married. Yet there's still a large part of her I don't know. I used to think she's the most honest person I've ever known, and now everything she says could be a lie. Most of my friends say that marriage is still mostly a lottery , You never truly know people whether you date for a few months or few years.
> 
> ...


Oh boy......stand by for the **** show.........Wheeeeee!


----------

