# How to get my "mojo" back?



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

How do you get your “mojo” back?

Married 23 years, two kids 12 and 15. Hitting 50 this year. We have finally decided that we will divorce. Not right now. We have business together, and want to continue working on it, and hopefully be able to split it going forward into two smaller branches, that would give each of us decent income. We do not want to waste money on lawyers, and trying to put the other one in poverty. Living like roommates now.

Well, it wasn’t always as civilized as it sounds now. I asked for divorce maybe five years ago, could not handle my husband’s too strong, too aggressive personality anymore. Did not want to be called names anymore, and live anticipating his moods. It lasted that long, because there were good times, and he is not bad man. He is great father, good provider, reliable guy. He always had a crazy side to him. He is one of these people that fill the room with his personality. When he enters the room and is in great mood, everybody will fly high up with him. When he enters the room in bad mood, he will bark, pout, yell. So gradually, you becoming that woman, who searches constantly for clues when the bad mood is coming, and tries to avoid it. Not contradicting too much, never sure, what can cause an outburst. You start walking on eggshells. You slowly shut down your emotions. Your soul starts shrinking in the process.
To keep story short – we tried, did MC – very brutal and exhausting (his initiative), he started anti-depressant, things were better for a while for a year or two, but then started slowly to slip again. Not as bad as before – these times of tantrums and calling me names are gone at least. Whatever was happening, it was too late for us.

In the middle of all these struggles, I was diagnosed with two auto-immune disorders, which turned my word upside down. Weight gain, low energy, lack of enthusiasm for anything. I was exercising several times a week before, now too much exercise will bring me disease flare up and I will spend next few days like old lady in my lazy chair. Very disappointed with my own body, and still in denial.

So, how do I find myself again? I spent almost twenty years slowly shutting down. How do I go back to what I used to be? With all the stress, autoimmune problems of last few years, I had lost the will to do anything extra and energy. Nothing fascinates me anymore. My whole life I loved hiking and reading and riding my bike. Now I have to make myself to do these things. Going on vacation seems like too much trouble. I just do whatever I have to, and want to get on my chair in the evening. I hear my friends planning to do this, or that, so enthusiastic about the new things they are trying, and I am in my head “how do you have the energy for all that”? I have decided to start looking for a good counselor and start IC.

I jest feel very flat. How to get that excitement back? How to enjoy life again?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I wish I had some good advice, the health stuff particularly is a bad turn. I hope IC will help, dealing w/ health setbacks is a problem they get a lot. Maybe your doctor can recommend one familiar w/ your autoimmune disorder or a similar one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm so sorry for the emotional damage you have received and the physical health issues you are going through.

I can't emphasize enough how important physical health is and it is related to mental/emotional health as well.

I would advise looking into as much research about your condition and possibly finding ways to become healthier.

There are some interesting results out there and I'm not talking about programs or other health plans you have to buy.

Mrs. Conan and I are into as much natural health as possible and we have pretty good results.

I'm 49 with a pretty good physique and very few health problems that are pretty minor. Most of the rest of my family has a slew of health issues as they age that we have as hereditary but I have avoided most of them besides some minor arthritis.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

What if your health troubles have made you feel like you're no longer the person you once were and you are projecting this midlife crisis onto your stormy but otherwise happy marriage as a scapegoat? What if you are blaming him indirectly when actually all that he wants is to love you but he is just a man with strong feelings? Leaving after these twenty some years will not take away the health issues you're facing. If it is like what I said, it'd be a terrible tragedy for you to walk away from a man that truly loves you and that you truly love to chase after a youth that is gone and will never come back. Maybe what I've said is not at all your situation. Maybe I am one hundred percent off base. But if there's even some truth to this, I hope you and him reconsider.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

In my experience, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it - in other words, forcing yourself to do things that you know are good for you is OK.

Also try new things - painting, weight training, whatever. Now is the time to explore.

Sorry it's been such a rough ride. You're in the rebuilding phase - where everything is an opportunity.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

When you do split from him, you will go through a transition becoming your real self. Over all the years of marriage you adjusted and changed in order to accommodate your husband and your complex life. When you become single and living apart from him, you will go back to your own self.

Obviously at 50 you are no longer 20, so there will be a new normal for you that is not as active as when you were younger. Do what you can to simplify, too. Get rid of stuff as much as you can!

I, too, have an autoimmune issue which causes challenges. It is what it is, and you just have to deal with it. Emotional distress can play into your energy levels and your overall health, so you will probably find an improvement whenever you can get out of the house into your own place.

Try to not be too practical regarding the business and divorce timing. There is never a perfect time. Getting on with life is as high a priority as the $$.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@WandaJ I'm so sorry you're dealing with health issues but I'm happy that you've finally decided to divorce your husband. I've kept up with your story through the years and know you've left it all on the field. It may take a little bit but I think you'll find happiness on the other side. 

With regards to the autoimmune issues, have you discuss gene therapy or Biologics (rheumatoid arthritis) with your Doctor?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I would advise looking into as much research about your condition and possibly finding ways to become healthier.
> 
> There are some interesting results out there and I'm not talking about programs or other health plans you have to buy.


Thanks ConanHub. When I was diagnosed I jumped on this right away so I know pretty much what there is to do. And i was doing it for a year and half. I was off gluten and felt much better, then kind of fell of the wagon, and can not get back on it. I was doing more than being gluten free, I was for a while on special auto-immune diet (no glute, no dairy, no corn, no legumes, ect) which is supposed to be termporary. However, it did not bring the results I was looking for in my second AI disorder. I was feeling great, yes. But one of my conditions is skin condition, very visible, and all that efford did nothing to help with it. And that's when I gave up all the trying, and now can not get back to start again. It is like "why bother?" mindset that I can not overcome at the moment.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Frithy said:


> What if your health troubles have made you feel like you're no longer the person you once were and you are projecting this midlife crisis onto your stormy but otherwise happy marriage as a scapegoat? What if you are blaming him indirectly when actually all that he wants is to love you but he is just a man with strong feelings? Leaving after these twenty some years will not take away the health issues you're facing. If it is like what I said, it'd be a terrible tragedy for you to walk away from a man that truly loves you and that you truly love to chase after a youth that is gone and will never come back. Maybe what I've said is not at all your situation. Maybe I am one hundred percent off base. But if there's even some truth to this, I hope you and him reconsider.


These are all valid points. However, my health problems came after our marriage went through vey hellish period. It was very high stress period of time in my life, and there are theories that high stress can trigger you autoimmune disorder if you have a gene for it. 
I am sure he loved me.I loved him. But that love have been slowly killed with every anger osutburst, every demand, every time he called me names, every time he deflected when I wanted to talk about our issue. Then he apologize of course, and was very sorry. But the trust I had in him, in him not hurting me was eroded. Love is not enough. Your action have to show the love too. There were many beautiful moments, and happiness, but with that scanner in the back of my head looking for trouble all the time. 
My friend lately reminded him, what I told her twenety six years ago, when we started dating" I have met my soul mate, but he is impossible to be with".
He has changed now, a lot. It is too late for us however.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Marduk said:


> In my experience, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it - in other words, forcing yourself to do things that you know are good for you is OK.
> 
> Also try new things - painting, weight training, whatever. Now is the time to explore.
> 
> Sorry it's been such a rough ride. You're in the rebuilding phase - where everything is an opportunity.


That's what I hope to achieve at one point - see everything as an new opportunity. Right now trying new things just seems as such a huge effort. It is exactly what he doing, and he looks happiest he was in the long time. I can not get to that point, for some reason.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Thor said:


> When you do split from him, you will go through a transition becoming your real self. Over all the years of marriage you adjusted and changed in order to accommodate your husband and your complex life. When you become single and living apart from him, you will go back to your own self.
> 
> Obviously at 50 you are no longer 20, so there will be a new normal for you that is not as active as when you were younger. Do what you can to simplify, too. Get rid of stuff as much as you can!
> 
> ...


Thank you Thor. Maybe you are right, maybe still living here together, the same house, the same work, still not telling anyone that we are splitting, put me in some kind of emotional limbo. 
I even tried anti-depressant in the fall, it worked great - I felt like myself again. But it increased my blood pressure and I had to quit it. maybe I should go back and try different options.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> That's what I hope to achieve at one point - see everything as an new opportunity. Right now trying new things just seems as such a huge effort. It is exactly what he doing, and he looks happiest he was in the long time. I can not get to that point, for some reason.


I think it will help when you two aren't living together for sure. 

When I divorced (much younger) it got better when first I got angry, then when I started to do stuff based on my reality, and finally when I realized I could now have my life exactly the way I wanted it.

I started to do silly things, like play video games, listen to music too loud, draw, write, watch movies I wanted, etc. Even decorated my place the way I wanted. Suddenly... my life felt a whole lot richer, and more like me.

Would any of that help? How would your life be if it were exactly the way you wanted it?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@WandaJ, the body is an amazing thing. You have dealt with so much and especially your STBXH's emotional abuse, living on tenterhooks, waiting for the next implosion. That does something to your brain chemistry, the flight or fight hormone and your brain/body becomes poisoned. You were wired for love and the actions of your H didn't show you that. Now the decision has been made to divorce, the weight is coming off and your body seems to be giving up because it has held the fort for so long. You will need a time of resting, a time of reflection, a time of refreshing. Your mind and body are one. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Get IC for youself, read, listen to you tube videos. Your thought life is important, you need to rewire your brain to enjoy life.

A friend once told me about the work of Caroline Leaf, I have not checked it out but it might be worth it about rewiring your brain, your thought life.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> But one of my conditions is skin condition, very visible, and all that efford did nothing to help with it. And that's when I gave up all the trying, and now can not get back to start again. It is like "why bother?" mindset that I can not overcome at the moment.


I have a auto-immune (apparently - nobody really knows) skin condition too, which appeared from nowhere last September when I was trying to decide what to do about my marriage... I understand what you are going through. Nothing works and I feel like I will never be able to date again even if we divorce. I'm 56, so time might be running out... I have no advice, everything is so depressing... I feel like I'm totally screwed.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I have a auto-immune (apparently - nobody really knows) skin condition too, which appeared from nowhere last September when I was trying to decide what to do about my marriage... I understand what you are going through. Nothing works and I feel like I will never be able to date again even if we divorce. I'm 56, so time might be running out... I have no advice, everything is so depressing... I feel like I'm totally screwed.





Lila said:


> @WandaJ I'm so sorry you're dealing with health issues but I'm happy that you've finally decided to divorce your husband. I've kept up with your story through the years and know you've left it all on the field. It may take a little bit but I think you'll find happiness on the other side.
> 
> With regards to the autoimmune issues, have you discuss gene therapy or Biologics (rheumatoid arthritis) with your Doctor?


You remember my story? It's been few years

No, I am not familiar with gene therapy or Biologics. I spent good money on all kind of testings, supplements, but eventually gave up and stopped going to most of the doctors, as I did not see anything helping with my skin. and because I stopped all that, my other disorder got worse, and all my energy just left me. 
Now I have started again with my vitamins and supplements (of things I am chronically low on, as most of the people with AI), and can feel slightly better, but it will take few more weeks before I can really feel the difference. Hopefully....


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Would any of that help? How would your life be if it were exactly the way you wanted it?


This is very good question, that I will have to figure out. Right now I do not know. Less overwhelming that's for sure, more simple. I am low maintance. That's probably one of the main things I should work on it - how to get my future to be what I want it to be.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I have a auto-immune (apparently - nobody really knows) skin condition too, which appeared from nowhere last September when I was trying to decide what to do about my marriage... I understand what you are going through. Nothing works and I feel like I will never be able to date again even if we divorce. I'm 56, so time might be running out... I have no advice, everything is so depressing... I feel like I'm totally screwed.


I'm so sorry. That's the problem with it- nobody really knows what causes it, most likely autoimmune. Depressing.
You know, I never really believed all that talk that high stress can cause you physical issues, I always thought this is what they say when they do not know what causes. But the more I read about it, the more people I meet with similar problems, for whom high stress comes up often as something that happened before onset of the disorder. 
The truth is the stress of those years when we were fighting was very high, and very physical, I was in constant high anxiety state. No wonder, there might be consequences.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

aine said:


> @WandaJ, the body is an amazing thing. You have dealt with so much and especially your STBXH's emotional abuse, living on tenterhooks, waiting for the next implosion. That does something to your brain chemistry, the flight or fight hormone and your brain/body becomes poisoned. You were wired for love and the actions of your H didn't show you that. Now the decision has been made to divorce, the weight is coming off and your body seems to be giving up because it has held the fort for so long. You will need a time of resting, a time of reflection, a time of refreshing. Your mind and body are one. Don't be so hard on yourself.
> 
> Get IC for youself, read, listen to you tube videos. Your thought life is important, you need to rewire your brain to enjoy life.
> 
> A friend once told me about the work of Caroline Leaf, I have not checked it out but it might be worth it about rewiring your brain, your thought life.


Thank you aine. It really does make sense what you are saying here. 20+years of conditioning will take time and work to re-wire . I will check out Caroline Leaf.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> This is very good question, that I will have to figure out. Right now I do not know. Less overwhelming that's for sure, more simple. I am low maintance. That's probably one of the main things I should work on it - how to get my future to be what I want it to be.


There's some really good books and podcasts on simplifying your life - maybe load them up and start getting into a different headspace?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have been in the divorce business for a very long time. I have seen a number of people that are really snake bit about getting out there again after a prolonged marriage and some significant bumps along the way. In short, there is a life out there. As I said there is a life out there. I have had many women who have ended their marriages in their 50s and 60s. Many of those women thought that life alone would be superior to life with their mates at the time. A great many have gone on to some good relationships. I have a 60ish professional who has been my client forever. She was through the wringer with her ex. He was to be polite, garbage. We got her unhitched. She flourished as a single professional woman. Had some incredible experiences. Then, she decided life alone in her golden years, was not really attractive. We recommended an introduction service specializing in older adults. She met a senior accountant. I really like him. He is retired and he does her taxes then gives them to me to be input. It gets funny because him and I can go off to some place theoretical in accounting and leave her wondering what the devil we are talking about, especially we start talking short form, which can be a completely different language. There is a world out there for divorced people. Do not let the ones that choose to cloister themselves after a failed marriage tell you that it is all over. It aint over til it is over.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Taxman said:


> I have been in the divorce business for a very long time. I have seen a number of people that are really snake bit about getting out there again after a prolonged marriage and some significant bumps along the way. In short, there is a life out there. As I said there is a life out there. I have had many women who have ended their marriages in their 50s and 60s. Many of those women thought that life alone would be superior to life with their mates at the time. A great many have gone on to some good relationships. I have a 60ish professional who has been my client forever. She was through the wringer with her ex. He was to be polite, garbage. We got her unhitched. She flourished as a single professional woman. Had some incredible experiences. Then, she decided life alone in her golden years, was not really attractive. We recommended an introduction service specializing in older adults. She met a senior accountant. I really like him. He is retired and he does her taxes then gives them to me to be input. It gets funny because him and I can go off to some place theoretical in accounting and leave her wondering what the devil we are talking about, especially we start talking short form, which can be a completely different language. There is a world out there for divorced people. Do not let the ones that choose to cloister themselves after a failed marriage tell you that it is all over. It aint over til it is over.


Thank you for very supportive words! I do realize that at this moment, I am definitely not ready for new relationship, and have to put things in order in my own head yet, but that time may come sometimes in the future.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Yes repeated harsh words and actions can erode any love away. Once it is gone how does it come back? I mean in the beginning hope and time make you love someone. Small simple actions and I think our imagination helps us fall in love. What will next year be like, what about our 5th anniversary.... But now you've been there and experience tells you how harsh this person is so the hope is gone. Your heart doesn't have the ability to reinvest. If you have to start over might as well be with someone that still has the unknown hope. 

I once read a magazine or something that talked about your love bank. Each day you have the opportunity to make a deposit or withdraw with your spouses love bank. Hopefully you will build a large positive balance it said. Because if you ever overdraw then your marriage is done.

So your husband probably doesn't understand why you can't just be in love with him anymore since now he has changed. 

I hope with time as your stress levels decrease that your health will improve.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marduk said:


> In my experience, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it - in other words, forcing yourself to do things that you know are good for you is OK.
> 
> Also try new things - painting, weight training, whatever. Now is the time to explore.
> 
> Sorry it's been such a rough ride. You're in the rebuilding phase - where everything is an opportunity.


This. Establish a routine, a me-time thing that nothing gets in the way of. Particularly good if this is an exercise routine. You schedule EVERYTHING around it. It becomes your priority. Weddings, funerals, doctor's appointments, everything, because this is a FOCUS of what you are become and what you will be and very soon who you are. And you do it rain or shine, sick or feeling great. Maybe you modify it a bit if not well, since you have the auto-immune issue, but you have plans for how that will be. The schedule remains intact. It's that one thing in your life that you can count on, no matter what.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> I once read a magazine or something that talked about your love bank. Each day you have the opportunity to make a deposit or withdraw with your spouses love bank. Hopefully you will build a large positive balance it said. Because if you ever overdraw then your marriage is done.


Yes, our love bank is deep in red. No chance to climb up out of it anymore


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> This. Establish a routine, a me-time thing that nothing gets in the way of. Particularly good if this is an exercise routine. You schedule EVERYTHING around it. It becomes your priority. Weddings, funerals, doctor's appointments, everything, because this is a FOCUS of what you are become and what you will be and very soon who you are. And you do it rain or shine, sick or feeling great. Maybe you modify it a bit if not well, since you have the auto-immune issue, but you have plans for how that will be. The schedule remains intact. It's that one thing in your life that you can count on, no matter what.


That's pretty good advise. Instead of waiting for something big happening, create your own reality day by day, step by step. I think I need to move my brain towards this kind of thinking. slow down, stop rushing. 

After I wrote my post here, I had a long interesting talk with friend of mine on that subject. She mentioned Sam Harris podcast #200, where he and his guess discuss habits, how your everyday habit determined what you achieve (plus luck/randomness and strategy). That instead of focusing on your goal, you should focus on developing everyday small habits that will take you there. and keep those habits up. Good habits vs bad habits. it is interesting podcast.:









#200 - Creatures of Habit


In this episode of the podcast, Sam Harris speaks with James Clear about habit formation. They discuss the difference between creating good habits and discontinuing bad ones, the role of the environment, the misalignment between immediate and long term outcomes, the remembering self vs the...




samharris.org


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Thank you everybody for your input here. For the support and for the advise. I think it really made a difference in my thinking. I have re-read all the post few times, and started putting it all together in my mind to create some kind of strategy going forward.

I was used to the fact, that whenever they were big changes in my life, it had always started with some bang. And I have been waiting for that "bang", some kind of trigger to wake me up now. And .... nothing. So now I am coming to realization, that maybe there are other ways to move forward, with no magic, but small, boring steps every day. Maybe that's actually better way, more sustainable, more reliable?

Poster aine said that this is 


aine said:


> a time of resting, a time of reflection, a time of refreshing.


I am going to accept it as such. Slow down, try to be more patient with myself, but also trying to introduce small changes, and keep working on building good habits. I know I will have to push myself at the beginning to even do these small changes, but I think now I am ready for that step.

I was never into wellness and medication. Auto-immune disorder has changed my mind about wellness. I was always too impatient about meditation. Now, I have found 50-course meditation training course by Sam Harris, that seems to be working for me. ten minutes a day. Step by step.

Thank you again. I will keep you posted on any more significant changes. And more words of wisdom and support always welcome!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> I will keep you posted on any more significant changes. And more words of wisdom and support always welcome!


Well, I can provide words intended as support... whether they're wise, is up to you 

My suggestion towards reigniting the 'mojo' is volunteering. Something that is workable and realistic for you. I'm going to focus on what you could gain. And that is, a focus that is outside of yourself can be healthy; working with others towards aligned goals and outcomes is rewarding; opportunity for camaraderie; and increased confidence, connection, and purpose. 

As for interests, in the past you have been active - I don't know if creativity interests you? Something that resets me, is flower arranging (or music). Tactile and meditative... it nourishes me. Previously, I've made bouquets for friends as gifts, and a couple of weddings. Thinking on what another may like, then seeing something come together, becomes enjoyable for me. And bonus, the recipient enjoys it too. To me, the 'mojo' in this process is through engaging the senses, sparking creativity, and in a way, also recognizing the impermanence of the whole thing.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

P.S: ...and because you've been going through a lot, here's a virtual arrangement for you.
I felt this might complement your avatar, so I hope you like... roses (elegance) with bursts of green (camouflage).


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MMH said:


> I suggest you think about your decision to divorce and it’s profound and irreversible effects it will have on your entire family, friends, and community.


Exactly...! Consider the profound affects of not being called names, not walking on eggshells, not dealing with an aggressive personality. And in contrast, opening up your emotions again, re-establishing your sense of identity, and enlivening your soul. For those who truly care about you: friends, family, community; imagine the potential of those relationships blossoming further as you pave the way for a calmer and more congruent life.

Wanda, from my view, your deal is human. And I support that you're thinking about what you need. While you are asking how to get the excitement back for yourself instead of feeling flat, well, for what it's worth - even though you're not feeling it yet - I'm excited (at the potential) for you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well MMH that post was rude and out of line for what OP has dealt with!

Wanda are you seeing any kind of specialist for your immune disorder? You said you weren’t familiar with biologics, so I’m thinking maybe not? Getting the right professional in your corner is vital to finding a therapy that can really help you. Probably a dermatologist in your case... maybe an immunologist. If the less aggressive treatments don’t help, there is a laundry list of biologics out there that could potentially be beneficial for you. They do have risks but that’s why you get a specialist, to help find the safest treatment. 

I agree with the others that as your stress decreases in your life that it’s very likely your physical issues will start improving. It’s scary how the body responds to our environment and emotions. I am very glad you are on your way to peace. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree. My overall health improved after my divorce and that wasn’t something I had even considered a possibility.

I didn’t realize just how much stress I was under until I was free of my very dysfunctional marriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MMH said:


> I’m not sure what your deal is... I’m sorry you have health issues, but everyone over 50 inevitably has something. We do not live forever. Personally, the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I believe if you’re in a physically or mentally abusive relationship, your spouse has an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or if your spouse is unfaithful-those are reasons to leave. In your narrative, it’s all about you. I suggest you think about your decision to divorce and it’s profound and irreversible effects it will have on your entire family, friends, and community.
> Good luck.


Uh, what?

Maybe go back and read her threads?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Well, I can provide words intended as support... whether they're wise, is up to you
> 
> My suggestion towards reigniting the 'mojo' is volunteering. Something that is workable and realistic for you. I'm going to focus on what you could gain. And that is, a focus that is outside of yourself can be healthy; working with others towards aligned goals and outcomes is rewarding; opportunity for camaraderie; and increased confidence, connection, and purpose.
> 
> As for interests, in the past you have been active - I don't know if creativity interests you? Something that resets me, is flower arranging (or music). Tactile and meditative... it nourishes me. Previously, I've made bouquets for friends as gifts, and a couple of weddings. Thinking on what another may like, then seeing something come together, becomes enjoyable for me. And bonus, the recipient enjoys it too. To me, the 'mojo' in this process is through engaging the senses, sparking creativity, and in a way, also recognizing the impermanence of the whole thing.


Volunteering would be something to consider in the future. Right now I really can not find enough time between work and kids. But I think I would enjoy it. 
In terms of interests, I used to enjoy photography. close ups of nature. That would be something that I would like to focus more one day. And go back to reading more, and spending more time in the nature. More walks on the beach....

thank you for beautiful bouquet!!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

MMH said:


> I’m not sure what your deal is... I’m sorry you have health issues, but everyone over 50 inevitably has something. We do not live forever. Personally, the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I believe if you’re in a physically or mentally abusive relationship, your spouse has an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or if your spouse is unfaithful-those are reasons to leave. In your narrative, it’s all about you. I suggest you think about your decision to divorce and it’s profound and irreversible effects it will have on your entire family, friends, and community.
> Good luck.


yes, my narrative is all about me. that was the whole point of my post - how to find me.

I have spend five or six years trying to save the marriage, mostly because of the kids. So, yes, I can say I though long and hard about it and did everything that there was there to do. We went through counceling, period of better days, but in the end this will not work. I do not want to discuss saving my marriage anymore - I am past that. Kids are older now and see what's going on.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Exactly...! Consider the profound affects of not being called names, not walking on eggshells, not dealing with an aggressive personality. And in contrast, opening up your emotions again, re-establishing your sense of identity, and enlivening your soul. For those who truly care about you: friends, family, community; imagine the potential of those relationships blossoming further as you pave the way for a calmer and more congruent life.
> 
> Wanda, from my view, your deal is human. And I support that you're thinking about what you need. While you are asking how to get the excitement back for yourself instead of feeling flat, well, for what it's worth - even though you're not feeling it yet - I'm excited (at the potential) for you.


Some peope dream of Hawaii. I dream of that freedom of emotions that you have described.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well MMH that post was rude and out of line for what OP has dealt with!
> 
> Wanda are you seeing any kind of specialist for your immune disorder? You said you weren’t familiar with biologics, so I’m thinking maybe not? Getting the right professional in your corner is vital to finding a therapy that can really help you. Probably a dermatologist in your case... maybe an immunologist. If the less aggressive treatments don’t help, there is a laundry list of biologics out there that could potentially be beneficial for you. They do have risks but that’s why you get a specialist, to help find the safest treatment.
> 
> ...


Yes, I have a dermatologist, but there is really no effective treatment. Ointmaints, UVB lamps, stereoids - they all work a little as long as you are doing them, once you stop everything goes back to "normal".I tried them all. diet and healthy lifestyle do nothing. Frankly, there is even doubt if this is autoimmune at all. Nobody really knows. and I really do not want to go on immune system suppresants, as they have a lot of potential side effects. I gave up on warying sleeveless shirts (and it is really hard to do in Florida...... and just keep going on with my life. I follow research in that area a little, they have new ideas in which direction to go, but it is long way before the new treatments would be available.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> Volunteering would be something to consider in the future. Right now I really can not find enough time between work and kids. But I think I would enjoy it.
> In terms of interests, I used to enjoy photography. close ups of nature. That would be something that I would like to focus more one day. And go back to reading more, and spending more time in the nature. More walks on the beach....
> 
> thank you for beautiful bouquet!!


I challenge you with a task, if you're up to it? Over the weekend, take one photo of something in nature... could be an indoor plant, your garden, something. Even if it's on your phone-camera. And if you're really game, share on the 'At Home - Photo Thread' in Social Spot. At the very least, if you do accept this challenge, I encourage you to return and describe the one image that you captured!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@WandaJ,

Obviously I can't tell you how to get your mojo back cuz that's sort of something you've got to do, but may I tell you something that I hope is encouraging?

I have rhuematoid arthritis--diagnosed at about 16yo... so I've had it for quite a while. Now for those who don't kow, RA is not "arthritis" where your joints wear out, but rather it is also an auto-immune disease, and (lucky me!) my immune system attacks my joints! LOL So the linings of my joints get attacked, they get inflammed and ache. I also ended up getting Sjogren's syndrome which is "dry eyes and mouth" 

Anyways, I relate all this because I found that when I was in my first marriage, it was HIGHLY stressful...going from abuse to cheating to divorcing...and while I was still there "in the house" I was sick as a dog and hurt a lot most of the time. Yes, eliminating sugar and white flour and processed foods helped enough to notice, but it was the stress that undid me. Once we were actually apart, and I lived in my own townhome with the kids, I remember a couple things happening:

1) Life was quiet. There were no more fights, no one calling me names, no one blaming me for everything...and I remember distinctly thinking, "Huh. This is what peace feels like." I was used to ongoing, escalating drama, and peace was quiet. 

2) Not too long after that I had a gigantic physical crash. That's because for literally YEARS I had been existing on adrenalin and suddenly there was none. It was the rough equivalent of quitting cold turkey! So my body had to adjust to no adrenalin rush--and for about two or three months I literally felt mentally, emotionally, and physically just EXHAUSTED. I decided I had been through the ringer and I deserved the rest, so I just rested when I needed.

3) After the couple months, I began to come back. It still felt quiet, but it was like a joyous quiet. I got to enjoy what * I * enjoyed and not have to worry whether I'd piss someone off! I got to eat what I wanted for dinner "just cuz I wanted to!" I could live my life by my values. And gradually I thought of things that I was interested in...that I had always wanted to try or wondered about but was teased for my curiosity. That's when my mojo began to return...and it's also when my RA began to feel a lot better! I still had stress (like being a single mom) but I could deal with my own issues without that stress that harmed me, ya know? 

My RA now is in about 90% remission, and I say it like that because my joints are not misshapen and I don't take a lot of pain meds. I take meds every day that kind of "hold it off" and as long as I don't over do, I do pretty darn good! I walk--running is too jarring for me. I lost a lot of weight. I eat single-ingredient foods. And that I can tell, the worst of it is that I can predict the weather with uncanny accuracy! LOL 

My point here is to encourage you. Once you get out on your own, I suspect a lot of the stress that is exaccerbating your condition now will reduce. Likewise I suspect you will have that physical, mental and emotional crash and need to just be gentle with yourself for several months. And with rest and sustained "less stress" I bet your mojo will return!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I challenge you with a task, if you're up to it? Over the weekend, take one photo of something in nature... could be an indoor plant, your garden, something. Even if it's on your phone-camera. And if you're really game, share on the 'At Home - Photo Thread' in Social Spot. At the very least, if you do accept this challenge, I encourage you to return and describe the one image that you captured!


Challenge accepted!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> @WandaJ,
> 
> Obviously I can't tell you how to get your mojo back cuz that's sort of something you've got to do, but may I tell you something that I hope is encouraging?
> 
> ...


First, I am so sorry about what you went through and your RA. That’s a tough one. I am glad that you are in much better place now.

I think getting these two autoimmune disorders was my adrenaline crush. The came out of the blue after the worst years of my life. He was at his worst. We yelled and fought a lot, I cried and scream in my car when alone. Then next couple years we worked on us and things seemed to be finally going better, we had good time, he got his **** together. I started relaxing finally. And that’s when my body crushed. For six months I felt like I had chronic flu, with chronic muscle pain, fatigue etc. Finally I quit gluten and started feeling better after five days. Could not believe it.
I think you right that things will get better once I am really on my own. Not sure how soon this will happen though. I can only imagine How great this willl feel. As you said - the peace, the calm, the whole beauty of it it sounds like happiness already.
Thank you again for sharing your story. It does give me hope.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Uh, what?
> 
> Maybe go back and read her threads?


@MMH, you know after over 20 years of marriage raising kids supporting an abusive husband don’t you think it ought to be about her? Too often women wake up in their late 40s and 50s and realise they have poured themselves out for husband kids, parents etc, made sacrifices, put up with all manner of **** only to find that at the end of the day no one really gives a damn about all the sacrifices, hard work etc. When the nurturing hormones drop and their eyes are opened to the real state of affairs, too right they put themselves first. For years they are raised on fed on the BS that they are the centre of the family, they are the nurturers, etc. Enough already! Let @WandaJ find her bliss, she deserves it and it’s her right! So quit your misogynist bs!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@WandaJ,

I first want to say I'm sorry you are in this situation. Just from what little you shared in this thread, sounds like an incredibly destructive situation for you to be in for many years. I am glad you are moving towards a better future for yourself. You surely did not deserve the sort of abuse and mindfuck you have endured.



WandaJ said:


> Thank you Thor. Maybe you are right, maybe still living here together, the same house, the same work, still not telling anyone that we are splitting, put me in some kind of emotional limbo.
> I even tried anti-depressant in the fall, it worked great - I felt like myself again. But it increased my blood pressure and I had to quit it. maybe I should go back and try different options.


I'm not a mental health professional, and I don't presume I really know what is going on. But, fwiw, here's what comes to mind as I read your words. Apologies in advance if you feel it has nothing to do with your current experience.

1) You are underestimating depression. It is your enemy. It colors everything about your world until you work it out of you. It can be a hard problem to solve. But, solving it -- by trying things you haven't tried, or trying things again you already tried but didn't stick to -- needs to be your number one focus. Do something every day to help solve this puzzle.

Every day, do something to fix it, until you find what works. Then stick with it.

2) Trouble is, depression doesn't want to go away, or be forced out. When you hear yourself say "Maybe I should go back and try different options", maybe you should think "Damn right I should. WTF is this "maybe" I just heard myself say?"

Are you getting the best professional help you can? Have you learned what you can about what sort of approaches exist, and which ones are most likely to work? For instance, there are a lot of options besides just the first medicine you tried. Meds and talk therapy combined work better than meds alone.

If you make solving depression a daily focus for awhile, you will likely get some traction.

And, as you gain traction, it will try to worm its way back into your life. You'll have to guard against that.

3) It's easy to underestimate the impact the abusive, aggressive and childish behavior you have endured has had on you. Walking on eggshells for years is difficult and tiring to say the least, yet you found ways to cope. Trouble is, sometimes we cope by stuffing hurt and emotions deep down, stopping the feeling of the pain. And in the process, we stop feeling ANYTHING. So, we've managed to cope, but, we've shut down every possibility of joy and living -- for awhile at least.

The pain and emotions are still in us somewhere. Sometimes, it surfaces in the form of major depression, sometimes in physical symptoms. I suppose some are lucky and don't have to ever deal with what's been stuffed down. But, many of us eventually have to reckon with the pain that's been swallowed. And, that can be scary as hell. Some find the courage to do so, some with professional help. And others consistently find ways to run away from awareness and the fear.

I can only imagine everyone's journey to freedom from past hurt is different. But, I wonder if you see that such a journey is sometimes "a thing" some of us have to do, if we want to live -- fully live -- the days ahead?

Rhetorically (if you prefer): Have you felt anger over what has happened to you? Have you grieved the loss of what you had hoped for those many years? Have you ever cried so hard you felt a cathartic release of some deeply stuffed-down emotions?

It's just speculation on my part, but if you're feelings are dull/blunted, and if you're depressed and low on energy, maybe you'd find some relief if you found a way to let some of the hurt and pain out. Maybe try journaling. Maybe try massage therapy. Find a psychologist or therapist skilled at helping address repressed emotions. Again -- try things, until you find something that works. Hard to predict ahead of time what will work for you, other than try something, try something else, and try again.

4) I can perhaps relate to the sort of limbo you are currently in. I don't see my marriage lasting two more years. Maybe not even a few more months. We have talked as seriously as ever about divorcing, and our youngest has only one more year left before HS graduation. We have been living literally and quite explicitly like roommates for several months. That has relieved certain stresses that have been suffocating me for years (for instance, letting go of "hope" and desire to fix this has been a relief). However, other/new stressors exist and seem to be growing. So, it's a weird sort of limbo. Welcomed and hated at the same time.

I've concluded, at least for me, it's hard to be healthy and live fully in this sort of limbo. I'd suggest to anyone in it to look for ways to move sooner towards filing and towards physical separation. Several years more in this sort of limbo will be damaging too.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> I've concluded, at least for me, it's hard to be healthy and live fully in this sort of limbo. I'd suggest to anyone in it to look for ways to move sooner towards filing and towards physical separation. Several years more in this sort of limbo will be damaging too.


I'm glad you've finally reached an important decision...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> @WandaJ,
> 
> I first want to say I'm sorry you are in this situation. Just from what little you shared in this thread, sounds like an incredibly destructive situation for you to be in for many years. I am glad you are moving towards a better future for yourself. You surely did not deserve the sort of abuse and mindfuck you have endured.
> 
> ...


Pieceofsky - all of the above. Your post actually made me cry, and I haven't been crying in a long time. Still makes me cry.I think you hit the bull's eye - I do underestimate my depression. I drag myself to do what I have to do at work and home, but it is not on the level I used to function. Some days I have more energy and think that it will be ok, and I can beat it, but it is self-denial. Kids have to drag me for walk or bike, it used to be me leading the way for them. Anything over my daily routine feels just overwhelming.

I had really awesome - by any standard - weekend. It was my birthday. Big 50. Family and friends, out on the water, boating, kayaking, paddle boarding, evenings out on the patio. It was fun, it was all about me, weather was great, kids had fun. This was what I needed, and I was enjoying it and felt my batteries re-charging. But when we got home on Monday, I crashed. Mentally, not physically. I feel more depressed and lonely than before. 

I remember you were here already around the same time I joined TAM, five-six years ago. I was trying to find your original post about your marriage but TAM search engine is screw up, brings me all the posts you wrote, instead of those that you started. But it seems that we are walking similar path, even if our marriage problems rise from different issues. Long overstaying in dysfunctional marriage, before finally admitting this is not working. Now grieving the loss.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Now grieving the loss.


Same here... and yes, I think PieceOfSky has followed a similar path...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I stayed for decades in a dysfunctional marriage because .... “reasons”. And I paid a physical and mental price for that (there always is a price).

I’ve never regretted for a moment getting out but I do deeply regret those “lost” decades. However, what’s done is done. We go forward, not back.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I challenge you with a task, if you're up to it? Over the weekend, take one photo of something in nature... could be an indoor plant, your garden, something. Even if it's on your phone-camera. And if you're really game, share on the 'At Home - Photo Thread' in Social Spot. At the very least, if you do accept this challenge, I encourage you to return and describe the one image that you captured!


Challenged completed! Weekend was busy and didn’t leave much time for picture taking but I posted a picture of a palm tree during spring shower. The light was amazing during that rain at the sunset time, but the phone camera did not really catch that too well...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> Challenged completed! Weekend was busy and didn’t leave much time for picture taking but I posted a picture of a palm tree during spring shower. The light was amazing during that rain at the sunset time, but the phone camera did not really catch that too well...


Well done.. and what a beautiful photo it is  
I look forward to seeing your next contribution.

And... happy birthday to you!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Well done.. and what a beautiful photo it is
> I look forward to seeing your next contribution.
> 
> And... happy birthday to you!


Thank you!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I set myself IC with two couselors One of them has experience with chronic disorders. I guess I decide after first visits which one I want to continue with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Missed your birthday post so happy birthday!!!

I'll be hitting the 50 next February and I'm planning a big bang!😁🤠


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Missed your birthday post so happy birthday!!!
> 
> I'll be hitting the 50 next February and I'm planning a big bang!😁🤠


Thank you. Big bang is right, that’s the way to go!


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