# Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

What do you all think? Is a non- cheater who strays once "A Cheater"? Or just a lost person? Like how Darth Vader was good until all this messed up stuff happened and then he became evil. But he was a loving husband and father once.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you are married or in a committed relationship and had sex with another person other than your significant other then, yes that is a cheater. That does not mean the person cannot realize the error and try to make amends. But by definition - yes, that person is a cheater.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

This is a different question than "is once a cheater always a cheater true." As someone who cheated once I can never undo what I did so in that regard I will always be "a cheater" however I would rather chew my appendages off than cheat again so in that regard I'm not "always a cheater." So from there what you think is the truth is a matter of opinion or maybe semantics.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> What do you all think? Is a non- cheater who strays once "A Cheater"? Or just a lost person? Like how Darth Vader was good until all this messed up stuff happened and then he became evil. But he was a loving husband and father once.


So by that analogy we need to forget the mayhem and general chaos he caused all those years cause he was a good guy at one time. The people of Aldaaran would like to have a word with you about that.....


Oooops they can't. Their world got done blowed up 

In all seriousness, I really think it depends on the circumstances and of the repentance of the WS. A rugsweeping blameshifting gaslighter gets no love from me. He/she is a cheater.

A repentant transparent works to make things right again learns from his/her bad choices person is given the liberty, IMO anyways, of not having that scarlet letter.

That is just me tho.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> In all seriousness, I really think it depends on the circumstances and of the repentance of the WS. A rugsweeping blameshifting gaslighter gets no love from me. He/she is a cheater.
> 
> A repentant transparent works to make things right again learns from his/her bad choices person is given the liberty, IMO anyways, of not having that scarlet letter.
> 
> That is just me tho.


Thats exactly what i think


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> Thats exactly what i think


My one problem tho is what I brought up with your analogy.

Let's take it one step forward and suggest that Anakin does not die at the end of RotJ.

Does anyone believe for one second that anyone would look at him and not think "that son of a b!tch was Darth freakin Vader"

No. No matter what he does, and he could end up being the greatest Jedi in the history of the Jedi....

People will still look at him and think "Darth freakin Vader"

That is what I mean by the circumstances. Some, no matter what you do to rectify the situation, will never leave you. He could be the most repentant, transparent, proving his love and devotion, goin to IC to figure his sh!t out Anakin he could be, it would not matter. It would not change that stigma he would carry around.

It would never change. Ever.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you finally cheated? I asked because you are here on this forum and because of your thread titled *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...lly-attracted-husband-anymore.html#post727664.*


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This is a different question than "is once a cheater always a cheater true." As someone who cheated once I can never undo what I did so in that regard I will always be "a cheater" however I would rather chew my appendages off than cheat again so in that regard I'm not "always a cheater." So from there what you think is the truth is a matter of opinion or maybe semantics.


I agree with this. Maybe I misunderstood what was being asked originally.

JuliaP - if you are asking can a person feel remorse and make amends or try to, then yes they can.

It goes along the lines of can a criminal be remorseful and pay for their crime. Yes they can - but the record is still there. That never changes. They still did it. It is history and that does not change.

You can forgive but never forget.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The scaring thing is Darth Vader stayed evil.

What is the cheater doing to prevent from staying agian? IC, self help books, and MC?

It sounds like the cheater is telling them selves they won't do it again, and may not understand why they made the choice to betray the person they love. Sure the cheater can make excusses, but can they face the reality they have behavioral issues that changed there character.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

But I only killed one person with the gun.

I only robbed one bank.

Heck yes,It makes the person a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I look at this subject this way;
I cheated.
My wife cheated.
We have both been very sorry to one another for what we did. Our R has gone wonderfully.

I know what she is capable of.
She knows what I am capable of.

I know that I will never, ever cheat on her again.
I believe that she feels the same way.
I am not 100% sure about her and I doubt that she is 100% sure about me.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex was cheating on the guy she was with when she handed me my papers less than eight months after we split. She spread them for two more guys after that according to her (what was once our) neighbors.
Looks like she's having a hard time finding what she wants and now that she's homeless she doesn't look so appealing to the guys who never had a job in their lives.
Me? I've never cheated on anybody in my life. And thanks to her, I doubt that I will ever have the opportunity.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> But I only killed one person with the gun.
> 
> I only robbed one bank.
> 
> ...


Wow...I wrote the exact post(made a rape analogy too) and decided not to post it


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

A cheater is a person who is cheating, or who regularly cheats, whether or not they currently are cheating.

A person who cheated in the past may or may not be a cheater currently.

A person who cheated in the past could be a former cheater, a reformed cheater, but not currently a cheater.

Either way, the *cheating goes on your permanent record*. It hurts the betrayed spouse. It may be forgiven but it is never forgotten.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Wow...I wrote the exact post(made a rape analogy too) and decided not to post it


So did I do bad by posting that?

The way I see it, is there is a line that gets crossed. Before that line is crossed, you wouldn't go there. It's beyond acceptable, it's not an option that's on the table. You aren't that kind of person.

But when you do cross it. When you do choose to cheat. Well, it's now on the table, and you are that kind of person. You may spend the rest of your life planning on not choosing that option again, but your actions show that inside the core of who you are - that option is on the table.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I think if you cheated more than once then yes,youre a cheater.
I feel that circumstances matter,did you cheat once,for how long?EA or PA,both?How lond did it last? My WW knew it was wrong,tried breaking it off a few times.When her world crashed hard and OM wouldnt "save " her, reality hit full force.
She doesnt trust men anymore and she knows what long term love really is,not the unfatuation drug she was on. I'm %100 sure it wont happen again.
So,a cheater? No, someone who cheated and f'up majorly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> Have you finally cheated? I asked because you are here on this forum and because of your thread titled *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...lly-attracted-husband-anymore.html#post727664.*


No! Not even a little- I just worry that I think about it often, and I saw this incredible shift in my thinking, from "it's never okay" to "it's okay b/c H has ignored my needs for years and years"...

That freaks me out- However, the old me is still there buried underneath all the resentments and anger, and I am trying to get back to that way of thinking. 

Thankfully- there is no opportunity here in my town for a PA or EA- so that has saved me for loosing my 'never cheated in my life' title.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

i guess b/c my thoughts have gone to cheating I worry about myself. I did have many opportunities back when we did live in a bigger city, and were much happier- and I always turned them down easily.

NOw that I am having marital problems- I feel it would be harder to turn men down.

But it hasn't happened yet and I don't want it to.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you filed for divorce yet? It seems like you have enough resentment and anger to warrent it?

Who knows maybey be for its finalized your H will turn a corner. maybe he will see the real consequences for his action when he gets served?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JuliaP,

Talk to your husband and tell him how bad the situation has become for you that you are on the verge of cheating if the right conditions come along. Tell him that you would rather get a divorce and leave with your head held up high rather than to bring shame and devastation upon you, him and your family.

The short term "fun and excitement" of an affair is not worth the long term pain and suffering that will be felt by you, your husband and family for YEARS to come.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

the guy said:


> Have you filed for divorce yet? It seems like you have enough resentment and anger to warrent it?
> 
> Who knows maybey be for its finalized your H will turn a corner. maybe he will see the real consequences for his action when he gets served?


not there yet- I started like others suggested to stand up for myself more- so he understands CLEARLY what I am needing. Talking wasn't working. I always forgave too easily and continued to meet his needs- my mistake totally. Thus anger and resentment built up.

After a fight on Friday- I held my ground (unlike before where I forgave easily) and already I see incredible changes in him. He did things he never did- took the kids on his own- and apologized first! He has NEVER done that.

I hope the love returns- and my sexual feelings for him as well- so no divorce papers yet- I need to try to fix it this way first. Our family deserves a fighting chance.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If your town is the only thing holding you back from cheating, divorce your H like yesterday.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

keko said:


> If your town is the only thing holding you back from cheating, divorce your H like yesterday.


It's is not the ONLY thing- relax. I'm saying there was a time where I was very ****ed up about it and it likely would've happened in a bigger city.

I am trying to heal from that thinking. Obviously, I am here posting on 'my day', mothers day, instead of relaxing with a ****tail b/c this is a big deal- and something I don't' want to slip into.

Don't be so quick to judge- I'm brutally honest, that's all. I"m sure many people on here had moments where they would've strayed and didn't due to circumstance and now are forever grateful that it didn't happen.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JuliaP, I would also recommend that you read the gut wrenching stories from betrayed spouses so that you can get some insight as to the hell that is visited by affairs. Affairs never resolve problems and only destroy lives.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Yes.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> JuliaP, I would also recommend that you read the gut wrenching stories from betrayed spouses so that you can get some insight as to the hell that is visited by affairs. Affairs never resolve problems and only destroy lives.


I have read them, it is awful. My dad cheated on my mom as well when I was 15. And I was the one who discovered it. It screwed me up monumentally- all the more reason why I feel so conflicted and scared of my own self!

I am fighting against it though.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JuliaP,

Purchase and read *Not Just Friends*. It explains the importantance of marital boundaries and how violating them will put a spouse on the slippery slope of an affair. Even a happily married spouse is not immune to having an affair if he/she allows himself to violate his/her marital boundaries.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

JuliaP the first 7 years of my marriage SUCKED. I was young, stupid and had no idea how to make it better. And as it happened at the time I worked with a bunch of hot professional guys. I fantasized about an affair all the time and even tried to rationalize it. He didn't want sex so I thought shouldn't it be okay to get it elsewhere? And I traveled for a living so opportunities were plentiful for an affair. 

What stopped me was my ethics. I vowed to either leave him FIRST and be with someone else or stay faithful.

Fantasizing about cheating is one thing acting on it is a completely different matter.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> If you are married or in a committed relationship and had sex with another person other than your significant other then, yes that is a cheater. That does not mean the person cannot realize the error and try to make amends. But by definition - yes, that person is a cheater.


Seems to be the definition of the term... and once doing so outside of the marriage bed... cheater and YES... Adulterer.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who cheated... Yes, I expect this label to follow me for the rest of my life. I expect I will have to let any prospective partner know what I did in my marriage, so they can make an informed decision about whether they can commit to me. That would seem only right.

On other hand, I don't expect to cheat again on a partner. I recognize the fact that it didn't solve anything, and the end result was the same (end of the relationship). So I would end the relationship first.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> As someone who cheated... Yes, I expect this label to follow me for the rest of my life. I expect I will have to let any prospective partner know what I did in my marriage, so they can make an informed decision about whether they can commit to me. That would seem only right.
> 
> On other hand, I don't expect to cheat again on a partner. I recognize the fact that it didn't solve anything, and the end result was the same (end of the relationship). So I would end the relationship first.
> 
> ...


This might anger some- but I want to know honestly- is there something your partner did or didn't do that let you to cheat, or was it just a lack of control on your part?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> This might anger some- but I want to know honestly- is there something your partner did or didn't do that let you to cheat, or was it just a lack of control on your part?


PBear was in a sexless marriage.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

A definite YES. Even if only once, it's a premeditated choice. Inexcusable. I'm sure all of us BS's have toyed with the revenge affair idea. I know I've had the chance. But the idea repulses me. You'd lower your credibility to your CS's level. And it's just plain immoral.

I also think ONS's aren't that common. I believe that for most cheaters, once they've done the deed once, it would be so much easier a second time. Most affairs go on for a length of time, until they get busted,which is inevitable, I believe.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> Have you filed for divorce yet? It seems like you have enough resentment and anger to warrent it?
> 
> Who knows maybey be for its finalized your H will turn a corner. maybe he will see the real consequences for his action when he gets served?


HIC... an old word. This guy, the guy seems to tell the truth and lay it on the line!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Mistake. MISTAKES!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This is a different question than "is once a cheater always a cheater true." As someone who cheated once I can never undo what I did so in that regard I will always be "a cheater" however I would rather chew my appendages off than cheat again so in that regard I'm not "always a cheater." So from there what you think is the truth is a matter of opinion or maybe semantics.


It's kind of like a recovering addict isn't it. You are never not an addict, just one who isn't using anymore or at that given moment (like being clean - a choice).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JuliaP said:


> This might anger some- but I want to know honestly- is there something your partner did or didn't do that let you to cheat, or was it just a lack of control on your part?


As mori said, it was a sexless marriage. I made attempts to address the issues over the last few years, but never found the right solution. Perhaps the MMSL or some of the other ideas in the men's forum here might have done the trick; who knows at this point.  

In the end, I made a conscious decision to seek out an affair partner. I wrongly (and foolishly) thought that if I could find a way to have my intimacy needs met, our family could stay together at least until the kids were out of the house. I pretty quickly determined that this was a pretty bad idea, and took the steps to end my marriage. I never told my wife about the affairs (there were two partners, neither of which I've seen since my separation started), although I suspect she knew something was up. Mostly by the question she DIDN'T ask. Like "is there someone else?".

In the interest of full disclosure, I did meet someone within weeks of separating, and we've been seeing each other for over a year. In many ways, it was too soon, and to be honest, it was supposed to be a physical fun relationship. Messed that one up too, and it's become more than that. . I'm happier than I'd been in years, and my long term friends have noticed and commented on it.

To make it a bit longer... Cheating is a very wrong solution to what may be a bad situation. It doesn't solve anything, and will most often make it that much worse. It will at best rip the cheating spouse out of the marriage, even if things don't blow up. And at worst... Well, the infidelity forum is filled with "worst" stories.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> As mori said, it was a sexless marriage. I made attempts to address the issues over the last few years, but never found the right solution. Perhaps the MMSL or some of the other ideas in the men's forum here might have done the trick; who knows at this point.
> 
> In the end, I made a conscious decision to seek out an affair partner. I wrongly (and foolishly) thought that if I could find a way to have my intimacy needs met, our family could stay together at least until the kids were out of the house. I pretty quickly determined that this was a pretty bad idea, and took the steps to end my marriage. I never told my wife about the affairs (there were two partners, neither of which I've seen since my separation started), although I suspect she knew something was up. Mostly by the question she DIDN'T ask. Like "is there someone else?".
> 
> ...


Thank you for that honesty.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

CantePe said:


> It's kind of like a recovering addict isn't it. You are never not an addict, just one who isn't using anymore or at that given moment (like being clean - a choice).


Makes total sense.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think the answer depends on why you are asking this question, to an extent.

If a person is asking himself/herself if they'll always be vulnerable to cheating if they do it once, then the answer is, "it depends". Really, how much control does a person have over themself? You cannot expect another person, like a spouse, to keep you from cheating. If expecting another person's love to keep them from cheating is the default backup plan, then yes, the person is probably effectively going to be a cheater.

But, in the end, to whom does this question really matter? If it matters to to the person asking, then there is much hope, I would believe. They are considering the consequences of potential infidelity, and how it might become a pattern. But what about future potential spouse, assuming that cheating occurs, and the marriage is ended. Will the person who cheated tell the potential new spouse that they sought out an affair on their previous partner, or keep it to himself/herself? There is a pretty fair chance that the future spouse will care very much how they responded in the previous marriage, and let that answer the question for them.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

CantePe said:


> It's kind of like a recovering addict isn't it. You are never not an addict, just one who isn't using anymore or at that given moment (like being clean - a choice).


Very much like...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> i guess b/c my thoughts have gone to cheating I worry about myself. I did have many opportunities back when we did live in a bigger city, and were much happier- and I always turned them down easily.
> 
> NOw that I am having marital problems- I feel it would be harder to turn men down.
> 
> But it hasn't happened yet and I don't want it to.


Lots of sexless people "consider" the option. 

There was a time a few months ago where I started to think that the whole "marriage means you can't sleep with anyone else" was a farce. Who says? Who made up that rule? People aren't built that way, blah blah blah. What about my needs?

It lasted for a few months and then I started thinking about it more. Played what if in my head. And then I realised WHY the rule was there. The "golden rule" about treating others with respect, and yourself, and what that would do to a person. The cheater included. It would kill my self esteem to know that I was being used for sex. I would be trading it in for getting my needs met. Not to mention what it would do to the spouse, in my case he has told me that would be the worst thing I could do to him. 

I decided I was worth more. I was worth the whole package. 
It's either the full meal deal, or nothing.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Benefits Vs Costs*

*Benefits*

Temporary satisfaction.

*Costs*

Doubtful long term sustainability; high potential of being left by betrayed spouse; damaging lives of everybody involved including the cheater's; marital issues that need to be addressed must be put on the side until the issue of betrayal is resolved and may never get addressed if the marriage ends first; the cheater will have to deal with no desires being met if she loses both husband and the AP.

In Vegas such a wager would be a "sucker's bet".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Herpes are forever.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Herpes are forever.


oh god!! lol! They are!!! Another good reason to keep it together!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

For me, I think my marriage is beyonf repair. I've read so many self-help books to try to fix my part in this. I am at a loss as what to do. 

What HAS helped me is reading all the cheating stories on TAM. AS bad as things are, I don't want to hurt my wife and daughter. I NEVER want to known as the one who cheated. That will stay with me and it would ruin any future relationships. How would another woman trust me?

My wife and I have so muych to talk about and we both avoid important subjects.

I hope I don't stray and I don't want to walk out of my wife and daughters life. I also want to feel loved and desired. My thought do wander off way too much. I think I passes the test years ago when things were better. Now that we have issues... I am not so sure.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> For me, I think my marriage is beyonf repair. I've read so many self-help books to try to fix my part in this. I am at a loss as what to do.
> 
> What HAS helped me is reading all the cheating stories on TAM. AS bad as things are, I don't want to hurt my wife and daughter. I NEVER want to known as the one who cheated. That will stay with me and it would ruin any future relationships. How would another woman trust me?
> 
> ...


Please find a good marriage counselor to help facilitate discussion. 

IMO, Marriage counseling is most effective prior to the crisis of an affair, afterward it is much more difficult to find a good counselor who can work with a marriage in crisis. 

If counseling doesn't work seek a divorce, don't go to the dark side and allow yourself to cheat.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

I booked an IC session for Wen for all of my 'cheating- not in love-not sexually attracted' thoughts.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> I booked an IC session for Wen for all of my 'cheating- not in love-not sexually attracted' thoughts.


Did you do your homework regarding this IC you have an appointment with? I ask because there are some really bad ones that have destroyed marriages. I hope this isn't one of those who will give you a "You go girl!" to your wayward thoughts.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OK, I'll play. I'm 53 years old. I cheated once, when I was 29, in a marriage that was dying before my eyes. I've never done it again, nor would I. And I greatly resent the analogy to some kind of addiction (once an addict, always an addict) -- I made a decision in a certain set of circumstances, and I learned that it was a poor decision.

So, no, I rather hate the simplistic nature of "once a cheater, always a cheater", although I realize many of you find comfort in that.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> I booked an IC session for Wen for all of my 'cheating- not in love-not sexually attracted' thoughts.


Good for you!


There are many alternatives to cheating.

Having the courage to explore those options, to decide that cheating is the easy way out...

that is commendable.

Bravo.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

morituri said:


> Did you do your homework regarding this IC you have an appointment with? I ask because there are some really bad ones that have destroyed marriages. I hope this isn't one of those who will give you a "You go girl!" to your wayward thoughts.


I have been to her and she is amazing. She is very pro marriage, and gave me amazing insights before.


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

I believe the question is really whether cheating is in a person's DNA and if you cheat once, does that increase the likelihood you will cheat again ?

As far as DNA I believe a small percentage are wired to cheat , a small percentage are wired to not cheat, and a large percentage will be influenced by environment

Whether you cheat again will depend on what happened the first time. If no adverse consequences probably a higher probability you will reoffend in the future.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

lamaga said:


> So, no, I rather hate the simplistic nature of "once a cheater, always a cheater", although I realize many of you find comfort in that.


I always thought that until I started to have these thoughts myself. And I was never a cheater. 


*That blue devil avatar looks like a cheater though* lol:smthumbup:


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