# No contact question...what about "positive" contact?



## Lewis1973 (May 3, 2013)

I get the idea of no contact...but my separation came about because she was dependent on drinking - and I was dependent on her. There is love there.....it just got surpassed by crap.

So....I want her to know I'm ok and that any future meeting will be good.

So whats wrong with a email to say "hi" and tell her I've accepted where we are at. No talk of the future, just to let her know that I'm responsible for how I feel and act and she, likewise.

She (i expect) fears contact as she thinks I'll hassle her to try.....I just want to say "hey, its cool....we are separated. It's ok. Forget where we may or may not be in 12 months. Right now, we are not together.....but if you want to catch up and laugh about the kids. It will be ok.


Or am I being an idiot!

My fear is that she has negative thoughts about me (even that I would hassle her if we met is negative) and separation and no contact while those thoughts fester will not help her disconnect from "us"

Should add - her original problem with us (and what helped her find drink) was I didnt show how much I cared and loved her.

"i want to be adored" was her catchphrase - and one I didnt "get"...until she said we should separate!!!!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Lewis1973 said:


> So whats wrong with a email to say "hi" and tell her I've accepted where we are at.


Because telling her does not compare with showing her... Not in the slightest.

Words are meaningless, next to action.



Lewis1973 said:


> My fear is that she has negative thoughts about me (even that I would hassle her if we met is negative) and separation and no contact while those thoughts fester will not help her disconnect from "us"


And that is no longer your concern. You cannot change what she thinks about you. Only she can. Trying to change what you cannot will only drive you crazy and her farther away. 

You instead need to focus on what you _can_ change... Yourself.


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## Lewis1973 (May 3, 2013)

i get that - but when we have ZERO contact how do I show her I care about her? It was that (me not SHOWING I cared) that drove a wedge between us....sure, she needs to know I'm not a blubbering mess - but how does she feel that I love her and care about her....if she doesnt hear from me?


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

Lewis1973 said:


> Should add - her original problem with us (and what helped her find drink) was I didnt show how much I cared and loved her.
> 
> "i want to be adored" was her catchphrase - and one I didnt "get"...until she said we should separate!!!!


This seems like THE most frequent complaint. I guess I don't feel alone in this anymore. 

But to PB's point, you're not going to talk your way out of this. Trust me. (Take a look at all my mistakes http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/66220-losts-story-journal.html) 

I know she's seen progress but there is a lot more history of her pain than progress that she sees now.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Lewis1973 said:


> i get that - but when we have ZERO contact how do I show her I care about her? It was that (me not SHOWING I cared) that drove a wedge between us....sure, she needs to know I'm not a blubbering mess - but how does she feel that I love her and care about her....if she doesnt hear from me?


It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it.

Read the advice I gave here...



lostLove77 said:


> But to PB's point, you're not going to talk your way out of this. Trust me. (Take a look at all my mistakes http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/66220-losts-story-journal.html)


Quite. And I got a whole list of long texts and emails to prove that.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

And he will probably do the same. 

Lew, you can try to be the better man and practice restraint but don't beat yourself up if you break down and reach out. It's not the best but i know sometimes we do what we have to get through the day. We're all human.


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## Lewis1973 (May 3, 2013)

lostLove77 said:


> This seems like THE most frequent complaint. I guess I don't feel alone in this anymore.
> 
> But to PB's point, you're not going to talk your way out of this. Trust me. (Take a look at all my mistakes http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/66220-losts-story-journal.html)
> 
> I know she's seen progress but there is a lot more history of her pain than progress that she sees now.



I've read through your story...lots of similarities - but your W was texting and calling. I dont get why mine isnt after 3 weeks of not having spoke properly.

I wonder if she has it TOO easy....I want her feeling safe (so she can beat the drink - and it sounds like she is doing that) - but it means her life is not really changed. She still has the house, kids, money. Just not me. As she starts to feel better I think she'll quickly conclude......this is all just like it was, but he's not here so its better.

I dont want to make her life hard....but I want her to know she is not living the life she will have if we split proper. She will need a job, probably have to downsize the house and start watching the money. It will suck.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Well, If you want to ease into contact, I wouldn't start with "if you divorce me, you will no longer have the good life". That would really make her feel unsafe and send her on an emotional roller coaster which would surely end in a bad binge drinking session! As far as no contact, I have no idea. My husband and I have been separated for several months now. Two social workers, my psychologist, friends and family have all said don't talk. Can't seem to help it. Usually, it's positive, but last night we had a pretty good spat, and I don't know what the ramifications will be because it had seemed to me that we were making headway. Maybe a little more time?


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Lewis1973 said:


> She still has the house, kids, money. Just not me. As she starts to feel better I think she'll quickly conclude......this is all just like it was, but he's not here so its better.


If that's what she concludes, then you never had a chance.

She's the one who wants out, you want in so you have no choice but to leave her be and hope she'll have second thoughts. 

Chasing after her by letting her know that you're there as a friend with no pressure is really saying "I want you back in my life and I'm trying to find a way to do it that won't push you further away" and she's just not going to go for that. 

It's like pushing one of those live animal traps in the direction of a rodent and expecting it to think "it doesn't look so bad in there I think I'll hop in and take the bait". You leave it alone and eventually the critter gets curious and *bingo* it's right where you want it. 

Let her come to you. If she doesn't, well that's just how it goes.

If she reaches out to you, then would be a good time that you've accepted where you both are.


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