# 3 month old marriage going sour



## Britratz (Dec 28, 2017)

I need advice on how to deal with an accusatory husband. We have been together for 2.5 years married for 3 months now, he has always had low confidence and would accuse me of cheating on him from time to time when we were dating. The last three months have been heightened, he aggressively accuses me of cheating on him in front on anyone. He gets mad when I go out with friends, I’m not allowed to have “male” friends, even some of the songs I like cause him to accuse me of sleeping with anyone and everyone. I have tried to understand as his fiancé cheated on him 6 years ago! We started seeing a marriage counselor a month ago but so far hasn’t been effective. He makes me feel horrible everytime I want to see my friends or my parents. I’m starting to fall out of love with him, and am considering leaving our marriage. I would love some advice on an alternative to maybe help the situation.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Are you two intimate? 

You two should be in the honeymoon stage, unicorns and rainbows. Don't be afraid to the pull the plug. The earlier the better.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I agree with Colorado...Are you guys having sex?


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Does he have friends (including female friends) that he goes out with, or is he more of a loner? 


Is there a particular male friend of yours that he has expressed a problem with or is it all of your friends (male and female)? 
Do you have any "toxic" friends, which he could have heard talking bad about him at one point?


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## Chisox (Dec 24, 2017)

This seems like a problem but is it worth a separation over? People now days are too quick to separate and get divorced. Remember its for better or for worse.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Brit, I agree with the advice given by @GuyInColorado and @Volunteer86. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," and low self esteem -- are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting he has the full-blown disorder. Rather, I'm suggesting you may be seeing moderate to strong symptoms of BPD.



> I have tried to understand as his fiancé cheated on him 6 years ago!


If your H really is exhibiting strong and persistent symptoms of BPD, he suffers from two strong fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- that likely were firmly entrenched by the age of five. The abandonment fear is so great that the BPDer will perceive abandonment threats even where they don't exist. This is why BPDers (i.e., those having strong symptoms) exhibit frequent irrational jealousy over harmless everyday activities.

Moreover, they will try to isolate you away from your other loved ones such as family members and close friends. A BPDer will misperceive the time you spend visiting a friend or family member as "evidence" that you're choosing THEM over HIM. By the way, do you know for sure that his fiancé cheated on him? Remember, this is a young man who is convinced that YOU are cheating on him too.



> We started seeing a marriage counselor a month ago but so far hasn’t been effective.


If he actually does exhibit strong and persistent BPD symptoms, MC likely would be a total waste of time until he has had several years of intensive therapy to learn the emotional skills he had no opportunity to learn during childhood.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic marriage to a man who refuses to address his own anger and jealousy issues.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Brit.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Ok yes if he has BPD, what do you do? I think the question you need to ponder OP is not whether you’re husband has a personality disorder or not, but whether this marriage is worth staying in? And how much time you want to give yourself before you make a decision?

Your marriage vows are for better or worse. I have gone through mental illness and if my husband was on this site, he would probably be advised that I had BPD and to just leave me. 

What kind of childhood did your husband have? It sounds like he has deep insecurities that he has to deal with himself. You have to decide whether you’ll support him through this or whether he’ll have to go through this journey himself.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Britratz said:


> I need advice on how to deal with an accusatory husband. We have been together for 2.5 years married for 3 months now, he has always had low confidence and would accuse me of cheating on him from time to time when we were dating. The last three months have been heightened, he aggressively accuses me of cheating on him in front on anyone. He gets mad when I go out with friends, I’m not allowed to have “male” friends, even some of the songs I like cause him to accuse me of sleeping with anyone and everyone. I have tried to understand as his fiancé cheated on him 6 years ago! We started seeing a marriage counselor a month ago but so far hasn’t been effective. He makes me feel horrible everytime I want to see my friends or my parents. I’m starting to fall out of love with him, and am considering leaving our marriage. I would love some advice on an alternative to maybe help the situation.


Hello Britratz, your husband seems to have a very intense and irrational fear of abandonment. He feels insecure not only with other men and "male friends" but anything and everything you could possibly derive any happiness from, besides himself. That is an unhealthy and unrealistic expectation on his part.

I have been in a marriage exactly like this, for 15 years. So I really can relate to you. My wife was extremely jealous and possessive and insecure. She would get upset if she thought I glimpsed another woman in public for a nanosecond. She once ripped me a new one for going down the checkout lane in the supermarket of a female cashier. I got home and she looked at the receipt and the cashier's name was "******", so she went off on me like Mike Tyson, screaming and punching. And I was just buying her birthday cake. I swear I should have left her back in those days but I did not have healthy boundaries.

And other things that were completely innocent would trigger her, too. If I spent too much time on the phone, even with a male friend (forget female ones completely) she'd start to get pissed off. If I pet our cat too long, or if I looked at the mail before saying hi to her when I got home from work. As with your husband, simple music is a trigger. If I listened to my favorite rock band, Rush, that would make her think I wanted to "go back to being single" or whatever (insert eye roll here). The accusations just never stopped. And yes, I distanced myself from family and longtime friends for her sake.

You know what ended up happening in our marriage? We went to visit an old high school friend of hers in Louisiana. And while they were catching up, I was directed to spend time with the friend's kids, a 16-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son. At some point, the daughter sat next to me on the living-room couch and handed me cookies, which I ate out of politeness even though I don't normally eat cookies a lot. I kid you not, I exaggerate not, when I tell you my wife literally treated this as an extramarital affair. She acted as if I had slept with her friend's daughter and nothing else. Keep in mind, I'm about 40 at the time and the daughter was just a kid to me. My wife fought with me every day about this for a year, accusing me of being seduced and wanting to walk out on her to marry this high school girl. No joke. Then she found a guy who went to her middle school in Facebook, and had an affair with him. Yes, she literally slept with another man, even though she had always been accusing me of being the pervert, the sicko, the one who wants to sleep with anything that moves. Essentially, she had a "revenge affair" even though I was faithful.

Please keep in mind that your husband acts on projection. After I found about her affair and was reeling in my shock and devastation, my lawyer and therapist both had to tell me how common projection is. Your husband may accuse you of certain things because those things are what he would be thinking/doing in your shoes. He looks at women with desire, is deeply ashamed of that, and projects it on you; naturally he thinks you are like that, too, and that's his way of coping with it. It is a subconscious process, but that's what it is - projection.

Honestly, I am not a professional psychologist but I am 90% sure your husband has what is called borderline personality disorder. The fear of abandonment, the minor triggers and emotional instability. Perhaps there is extreme black-white thinking involved and a childhood trauma that is at the root of it all.

Please be aware if this is the case, YOU CANNOT FIX THIS BY YOURSELF. No amount of bending over backwards and trying to avoid his triggers and chucking things and people from your life that set him off will ever be enough. He will never be satisfied. He will never trust you because he is emotionally incapable of trusting. He never learned how to do that. HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP.

For the longest time, I didn't even know what I was dealing with. I only learned about BPD mostly after my wife's affair. You don't have to make the same mistake and learn the hard way that this isn't anything you can deal with yourself.

In the meantime, please strengthen your boundaries and do not tolerate so much from him. Don't do this **** for 15 years like I did.

This forum has a resident expert on BPD, @Uptown, who may come and post as well. He had the same experience I did, living with a BPD spouse for 15 years and it also didn't end well for him, either. I would also recommend you visit bpdfamily.com. If you go to the messageboard there, you can find many stories like yours.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Uptown posted as I was writing mine. Lol. By the way, I don't know why the forum censor machine starred out the name of the cashier that set my wife off, but her name was ******.

Edited to add, I don't know why a simple female name doesn't work in this forum. But it starts with an A, ends in a Y, and has "shle" in the middle.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Another example of a good relationship ruined by marriage. 

It changes people. 

And not for the better.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

My first marriage, at a young age, was to a nutjob like you describe. He wasn't like that for the year and a half we dated but BAM, soon as we got married he thought he owned me like i was some kind of wind up doll that should only do his bidding. Your husband is now showing you who he really is since you married him. He's going to escalate....get worse. It's abusive and crazy. He will keep being irrational. 

My ex would follow me to the grocery store and say that I must be having an affair with a bag boy. (The part where I actually had a cart with groceries and no food in the house didn't matter). He would start fights with strangers...and I found myself starting to hope one would beat the **** out of him because he needed it. The people at my job tripped out on him because he would keep driving through the parking lot to make sure I was at work. He would call them and ask if I was at work and then ask them not to tell me he called. Of course, they told me. He would block my car in so I couldn't leave. He had the other key to my car and would randomly take it and hide it. One of the neighbors almost hit him because he was holding me in my car/wouldn't let me get out and was blocking the road. I can go on and on. 

What did I do? I left him six months into the marriage. He followed me around a while after that. He moved out of town for a new job and had a new GF that broke up with him because he kept coming back into my town to "check up on me". 

There is no "making it better" or "convincing him that you love him and it's enough". His jealousy and control issues are all about him....and he doesn't care about you. He only wishes to control you. 

It's not in my nature to tell you what to do with your life/marriage. Just want you to know it's going to get worse. Mark my words.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It appears we will not hear from the OP.

Again though, we have many assumptions. It might be as it seems on the surface, a man's insecurities have driven his wife mad and are bascially cruel.

But, when things change after a marriage, it is likely to be the woman changing.

If a man wrote on here,
"We got married three months ago, and already I am scared that my wife is having an affair. I know that she has had several boyfriends in the past and was still in contact with some, but I was not worried about that. 
We no longer have sex, as she is always too tired and would rather be going out with friends and family. She says that it is me being irrational, should I just let it drop?"
There would be several on here saying he should dump this terrible woman.

We do not know the truth yet. Good advice needs good understanding.

There endth the lecture!


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

VibrantWings said:


> My first marriage, at a young age, was to a nutjob like you describe. He wasn't like that for the year and a half we dated but BAM, soon as we got married he thought he owned me like i was some kind of wind up doll that should only do his bidding. Your husband is now showing you who he really is since you married him. He's going to escalate....get worse. It's abusive and crazy. He will keep being irrational.
> 
> My ex would follow me to the grocery store and say that I must be having an affair with a bag boy. (The part where I actually had a cart with groceries and no food in the house didn't matter). He would start fights with strangers...and I found myself starting to hope one would beat the **** out of him because he needed it. The people at my job tripped out on him because he would keep driving through the parking lot to make sure I was at work. He would call them and ask if I was at work and then ask them not to tell me he called. Of course, they told me. He would block my car in so I couldn't leave. He had the other key to my car and would randomly take it and hide it. One of the neighbors almost hit him because he was holding me in my car/wouldn't let me get out and was blocking the road. I can go on and on.
> 
> ...


That is some KrAzY stuff girl! :surprise:


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## Britratz (Dec 28, 2017)

We only have sex once every couple weeks in the shower and its pretty forced feeling, not much physical attraction, hard to be attracted to someone who makes you sound so dirty. My husband is very much a loner, I am from a bigger area and he has lived in the same tiny town for 30 years, all of his friends have moved on. He gets mad even when I am out on a "ladies night", if I go anywhere where there are men present he isn't okay with it. I moved 140 miles away from my family and friends, so I only get to see them about once a month. Should I not be able to have a girls night once a month and do something fun. I love going out and he hates it, so I go with friends. He has met all of my guy friends and still gets really upset when I talk to them. I seriously don't know how his brain comes up with this stuff. He screamed at me and kept yelling he wanted a divorce in public and in front of my best friend because I liked the song "Bad Girlfriend", apparently because I like that song I want to be like her or something weird like that. He didn't have an amazing childhood but he was brought up being given anything he desired. I am not jumping quick on my separation decision, I always believed marriage was a sacred tradition and that for better or worse was real, but at what point does the worse come into play? We are both going to a marriage counselor together, and he is suppose to go on his own but hasn't made the initiative. I am only 25, I feel like I have a lot to look forward to, but I don't feel like I deserve to give up everything because my husband can't find his own happiness.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Thanks for the update. If he's unwilling to deal with the situation you don't have much choice but to proceed with ending the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ghost Rider said:


> Uptown posted as I was writing mine. Lol. By the way, I don't know why the forum censor machine starred out the name of the cashier that set my wife off, but her name was ******.
> 
> Edited to add, I don't know why a simple female name doesn't work in this forum. But it starts with an A, ends in a Y, and has "shle" in the middle.


It is due to the cheating website AM.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> Another example of a good relationship ruined by marriage.
> 
> It changes people.
> 
> And not for the better.


 He was already like that. She shouldnt have married him if she did'nt like it. People who live together first have no excuse now. BTW we have both changed for the better since we married, and so do many others.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> He was already like that. She shouldnt have married him if she did'nt like it. People who live together first have no excuse now.


You need to re-read the initial post. He demonstrated some possessive behavior but it was manageable. After they married it became much worse to the point that she cannot bear it. 

It's like saying "well she was 20 lbs overweight when they met, he should not complain now that gained another 40 lbs after they got married".

Your statement that "people who live together prior to marriage have no excuse" (for not realizing there were problems) is totally shortsighted and just plain wrong. 

People often show their true colors only after marriage, just like YOUR first husband did @Diana7.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> You need to re-read the initial post. He demonstrated some possessive behavior but it was manageable. After they married it became much worse to the point that she cannot bear it.
> 
> It's like saying "well she was 20 lbs overweight when they met, he should not complain now that gained another 40 lbs after they got married".
> 
> ...


Yes, he demonstrated possessive behaviour. A massive red flag. 
No. My first husband was the same man before as after and we didn't live together before. The reason why our marriage ended didn't happen till 23 years later.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yes, he demonstrated possessive behaviour. A massive red flag.
> No. My first husband was the same man before as after and we didn't live together before. The reason why our marriage ended didn't happen till 23 years later.


 @Diana7 you are being unfair to every married person who decides to divorce, who had cohabitated prior to marriage by saying "they should have known better" whereas you get a free pass in your divorce because it only happened due to a single obscure reason 23 years after you exchanged vows even though the guy you divorced was exactly the same person he was when you met.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, he demonstrated possessive behaviour. A massive red flag.
> ...


This is quite a TJ. Let’s just focus on the OP’s question. It’s an imperfect world and we’re all imperfect people. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Britratz said:


> We only have sex once every couple weeks in the shower and its pretty forced feeling, not much physical attraction, hard to be attracted to someone who makes you sound so dirty. My husband is very much a loner, I am from a bigger area and he has lived in the same tiny town for 30 years, all of his friends have moved on. He gets mad even when I am out on a "ladies night", if I go anywhere where there are men present he isn't okay with it. I moved 140 miles away from my family and friends, so I only get to see them about once a month. Should I not be able to have a girls night once a month and do something fun. I love going out and he hates it, so I go with friends. He has met all of my guy friends and still gets really upset when I talk to them. I seriously don't know how his brain comes up with this stuff. He screamed at me and kept yelling he wanted a divorce in public and in front of my best friend because I liked the song "Bad Girlfriend", apparently because I like that song I want to be like her or something weird like that. He didn't have an amazing childhood but he was brought up being given anything he desired. I am not jumping quick on my separation decision, I always believed marriage was a sacred tradition and that for better or worse was real, but at what point does the worse come into play? We are both going to a marriage counselor together, and he is suppose to go on his own but hasn't made the initiative. I am only 25, I feel like I have a lot to look forward to, but I don't feel like I deserve to give up everything because my husband can't find his own happiness.


Thank you for the update. It’s good that you’re both going to MC. Is it worth having a discussion with him about how you’re really feeling and work out a strategy for your marriage which includes him going to IC? In your conversation give him a timeframe and include divorce if things don’t get better after a certain time. 

In this case if you move towards separation you know you have tried your best and done right by him.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Britratz said:


> We only have sex once every couple weeks in the shower and its pretty forced feeling, not much physical attraction, hard to be attracted to someone who makes you sound so dirty. My husband is very much a loner, I am from a bigger area and he has lived in the same tiny town for 30 years, all of his friends have moved on. He gets mad even when I am out on a "ladies night", if I go anywhere where there are men present he isn't okay with it. I moved 140 miles away from my family and friends, so I only get to see them about once a month. Should I not be able to have a girls night once a month and do something fun. I love going out and he hates it, so I go with friends. He has met all of my guy friends and still gets really upset when I talk to them. I seriously don't know how his brain comes up with this stuff. He screamed at me and kept yelling he wanted a divorce in public and in front of my best friend because I liked the song "Bad Girlfriend", apparently because I like that song I want to be like her or something weird like that. He didn't have an amazing childhood but he was brought up being given anything he desired. I am not jumping quick on my separation decision, I always believed marriage was a sacred tradition and that for better or worse was real, but at what point does the worse come into play? We are both going to a marriage counselor together, and he is suppose to go on his own but hasn't made the initiative. I am only 25, I feel like I have a lot to look forward to, but I don't feel like I deserve to give up everything because my husband can't find his own happiness.


Britratz, please allow me to reiterate that no amount of giving up things and people you like will ever be enough to satisfy him and get him to trust you and feel secure. Even when I left behind all my family and friends, she didn't trust me around her friends, nor her friends around me, as I described to you. He will always come up with accusations and "reasons" not to trust you. I'm not saying to leave him directly (although I'm tempted and in hindsight I wish I had left my wife long ago) but it is absolutely critical that you develop strong, healthy boundaries. You should not allow him to isolate you completely from the life you had before you were with him, from the people who were in your life. You should not allow him to treat you as his property and chattel. You do not allow him to verbally, emotionally, or physically abuse you. You do not tolerate those things. And certainly not infidelity. Be strong him and let him know those behaviors can lead to the end of the relationship, and be prepared to follow through on it.

Do not lose yourself in this relationship trying to make it work. It's like trying to fill up a bucket with holes in the bottom. You will regret missing out on so much good in life with a marriage partner like this. In the long run, one way or the other, you will come to regret it, like I did.

I want you to know how insane trying to deal with this **** is while you are still young. I cannot emphasize it enough.

In my opinion, marriage counseling is a waste of time and money, without him being willing to address his underlying psychological issues, whether it is BPD or something else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> @Diana7 you are being unfair to every married person who decides to divorce, who had cohabitated prior to marriage by saying "they should have known better" whereas you get a free pass in your divorce because it only happened due to a single obscure reason 23 years after you exchanged vows even though the guy you divorced was exactly the same person he was when you met.


Most of the marriages I have been to recently were between people who had lived together for at least 5 years. After 5 years you know the person pretty well so they shouldn't be too many surprises. 
I never said anything about a free pass, but when you know that your partner is already showing controlling behaviour before marriage, it should be no surprise when they show the same behaviour after marriage.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Britratz

3 months married and no entanglements. You need to nip this in the bud and divorce. You are not going to change him and eventually you will build up such a resentment you will likely divorce him in the future anyway. Your 25, go enjoy your life, it's not supposed to be a drag, and marriage is supposed to improve it not hobble it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I agree with other that your husband probably has some issues, but I must still ask for the sake of getting the full story, where are you going on Girl's night? Not clubs or bars, in the sense where people go to pick up dates right? I say that because some of this must change when you are married, it's not unreasonable to expect your spouse not to go out to places like you are single. Even if most of the girls are single when you are not. I know I would not be real happy if my wife was out at singles clubs. 

That however doesn't mean you can't go out with friends, to dinner or movies or whatever. That should not be a problem. It's a level of appropriateness depending on the type of location. 

That being said, assuming that is not the case then you need to have a serious talk with him, let him know he is going to lose you unless he gets control of himself. 

Most importantly DO NOT HAVE KIDS with this guy until you get this fixed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you do on the girl's night outs that you do?

For the most part, your husband sounds overly jealous, unreasonable. I don't know how you can live with this.

It sounds like you are tying to work on the marriage, but give it a time limit. It things are not better in 3 months, you can pretty much accept that they will never get better.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Britratz said:


> I am not jumping quick on my separation decision, I always believed marriage was a sacred tradition and that for better or worse was real, but at what point does the worse come into play? We are both going to a marriage counselor together, and he is suppose to go on his own but hasn't made the initiative. I am only 25, I feel like I have a lot to look forward to, but I don't feel like I deserve to give up everything because my husband can't find his own happiness.


Wives that stay married for 50 or 60 years don't have "ladies nights" without their husbands {and vice versa} nor do they have a litany of opposite-sex relationships that their spouse doesn't approve of.

I'm not condoning obsessive possessive behavior but there are elements of this guy maybe just wants you to be a wife that is willing to forsake the single lifestyle and commit to a real marriage with him.

Nobody held a gun to your head while you sign up for this "sacred tradition". Maybe you play it his way for awhile, go to a marriage counselor and maybe, just maybe, seek out and try to procure COUPLE friends that both you AND your husband can both socialize with while building a life together.

It used to be that married 25 year olds was the norm but the average age of women getting married for the first time now exceeds age 30 so you are ahead of the curve and still wanting to hang out with all your single lady {and male} friends. Once a month "ladies nights" is not something you're entitled to. Perhaps the cure to your husband's jealously issues is to stop behaving in a manner that makes him jealous. It's not like he wants to wear your skin, maybe he's just trying to protect you from yourself. You can't undertake risky behavior without actually being a risk.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Chisox said:


> This seems like a problem but is it worth a separation over? People now days are too quick to separate and get divorced. Remember its for better or for worse.


There is a limit. Especially if it's making life a living hell.

When it gets worse it's your human right to leave!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Firstly girls night out...

Sheesh

What exactly are those? Go out with the girls, have fun (inevitably be hit on by men)

Girls night out are never going to the library or having dinner then going straight home. I get girls nights out but to me they scream I want to go out on my own and you can't come.

Now.

Why did you marry? This isn't a three month problem, the signs were probably there before hand but you ignored them. 3 months in should still be a honeymoon stage, being excited about the future, planning for it not looking forward to going on your next girls night out. In those three months how many times have you gone out without home?

Sometimes two people are just incompatible. He probably resented your freedom and still hasn't dealt with the fall out from his fiance cheating on him. Like any nice guy he barrelled towards the same sort of woman (as in likes to go out alot and is very social) he really should have stayed away from and when the triggers hit barely managed to contain them which now you're married you are seeing in their full glory.

Warning signs are three months in this look like a lot of hard work already, but you married for love I assume so if he's willing to go to IC/MC and you both are willing to work hard on this marriage then it is salvageable, but if it gets worse then leave before you bring kids into this world.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi,

He is running scared for some reason. He is thinking of some tape from childhood or adolescenthood that surfaced. All you can do is ask him to share it from his point of view and maybe allevieate his fears. 
If that don't fix things in six months try therapy. I don't wabt to say call it quits because you and him can only do that. 

Here is a life line, but both must want it...
Good luck
David.

You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. and all the mariage books by John Gottman, P.H.D. It will be the best thing you ever do for each other, Give love and appreciation as if you were to see your spouse the last time. You will get 100 x more love in return, It works.


These are the instruction manuals if you both love each other and want to be married to age 92. The day of marriage isn't the end goal, The end goal is what you are going to accomplish together. Look up the work Beshera and Marriage within a marriage in the book/read this one too...How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love by Judith Sills,Book No more perfect Marriages; Mark and Jill Savage

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
byJohn Gottman Ph.D.

Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 starsMUST MUST READ, LISTEN TO AUDIO BOOK, AND DO EXERCISES. MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON IT.
ByDavid L.on February 13, 2017
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase
A must read along with this 7 principles and 10 things. Every couple should listen to the audio book and read the book or get the books to do the exercises. They should learn these principles in this book and apply them. It is the hardest thing you can do is deal with feelings, ask for needs met that both win. It really could save a marriage and get both on track for a more satisfying relationship, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom. I wish I had this book before the last horsemen came to our house, "contempt." by that stage the relationship is done with no chance of recommencement. A must do before marriage and after. What I mean to talk to your spouse and lay it on the line is hard for wive's and husband's to communicate so close that you become one person. It's scary. There just be enough trust to share but you have to because it gets to the bottom of problems after emotions and feelings, then needs are met. You will feel naked, afraid, embarrassed, and maybe reconnect. Good luck. Another poster did not like the analogies. But the analogies about boxes, outside the zone, or where you close yourself off to your partner are good. The author explains why we close each other off, don't get close via emotional and sensually sexual to bond. The author tells us how to fix it. I would even say to Gottman's retreats and get a marriage counselor too to work through the issues that repeatedly come up and don't change. The three books I mentioned along with the Audio CD's is a must. Please buy them. It can save a marriage. It is amazing how stupid we act when a woman don't get the feeling of being emotionally close to her husband and listened to and a husband isn't admired and thought of a good man and provider. You will learn how to relate by learning opportunities tha build each other up and not tear down. Women bond due to emotional level that is given from the husband. The the husband provides an emotional connection which equals many lovable payoffs to a husband. The wife provides admiration and affection the husband. He will feel wonderful and provide multiple communicative and affectionate actions toward his wife in which she will love and reciprocate more freely.


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## Britratz (Dec 28, 2017)

My “ladies night out” usually consists of dinner or a movie. If I go out to drink after he is always invited. As an update I am now currently not living with my husband. We had a huge falling out over New Years in which he decided to be really mean and make comments along the lines of “my wife likes touching all guys parts” in front of my parents and his friends 😒. He has seen a hypnotherapist which he feels could really help him, so haven’t proceeded with a separation in hopes he will find himself and his happiness so we can work on our lives together. I’ve been ready up on a lot of communication, dealing with jealousy type books in hopes to try to understand. Our marriage counselor and hypnotherapist along the lines told us our marriage cannot last on these terms, there is no communication or understanding between us.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Firstly girls night out...
> 
> Sheesh
> 
> What exactly are those? Go out with the girls, have fun (inevitably be hit on by men)


Go to a restaurant and eat a yummy meal somewhere my husband hates, usually French. We chat and laugh since that is what we are there for. If men are hitting on us, GFs and I are utterly oblivious since that is not what we are there for.




> Girls night out are never going to the library or having dinner then going straight home. I get girls nights out but to me they scream I want to go out on my own and you can't come.


It is true that we don't always go straight home. We will finish up our conversation next to our cars in the parking lot, freezing butt because there is always one more thing to say.


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