# Dealing with personal issues from adultery



## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

I need help. My husband and I have R, but I am dealing with personal issues stemming from the reveal. Namely, he said that one reason for EA is that I am not as attractive anymore. He is right. I am older, and cancer and prolonged Lyme disease created a situation where I have gained weight, not a huge amount, but it is significant. I don't have a thyroid anymore. No matter how often I go without eating or exorcise I am not able to loose weight.

How do I get comfortable with this? How do I accept it? I just really would like to like myself again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe the POS you are with now is the one that prevents you from liking your self?

Maybe you would be a lot more comfortable with a guy.....a man that appreciates your inner attraction rather then your looks.

Maybe it's time to find a gentleman with some experience instead of some "kid" that cheats on you?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

CluelessWif said:


> I need help. My husband and I have R, but I am dealing with personal issues stemming from the reveal. Namely, he said that one reason for EA is that I am not as attractive anymore. He is right. I am 15 years older, and cancer and prolonged Lyme disease created a situation where I have gained weight, not a huge amount, but it is significant. I don't have a thyroid anymore. No matter how often I go without eating or exorcise I am not able to loose weight.
> 
> How do I get comfortable with this? How do I accept it? I just really would like to like myself again.


I would suspect no amount of weight you loose would make him faithful. I would say get healty and well for yourself and then ditch him


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the end of the day if you are not with a partner that makes you feel good about your self then I'm thinking your with the wrong partner.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> I would suspect no amount of weight you loose would make him faithful. I would say get healty and well for yourself and then ditch him


I say ditch the POS now and then use the extra time to work on your self.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How long have you been married? How old is your husband?


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

the guy said:


> How long have you been married? How old is your husband?


We have been married 15 years. He is 35, I am 33. D is not an option. We have two pre-teens, and I would put up with a lot worse than this to keep their lives stable. I am stuck for the next 8 years.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So the age dif is with the OW (other women)...my mistake.

I thought your old man was 15 years younger.....

That changes my perspective...let me think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Make sure you are not in a false R....when did this all go down and when was d day (discovery day)?


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

the guy said:


> So the age dif is with the OW (other women)...my mistake.
> 
> I thought your old man was 15 years younger.....
> 
> That changes my perspective...let me think.


I'm sorry, I meant I am 15 years older than when we met. The OW is ten years my junior.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's important that you can independently confirm NC (no contact) with AP (affair partner) has happened.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

the guy said:


> So the age dif is with the OW (other women)...my mistake.
> 
> I thought your old man was 15 years younger.....
> 
> That changes my perspective...let me think.


I believe she is saying that she is 15 years older than when they first met.

FWIW, I am an adulterer to my wife who has gained weight as well. She is also much less active than when we first met. I still find her tremendously attractive and desirable though. I didn't "stray" because of her weight gain, but because of my own ****ed up ideas about myself and my selfish needs.

For him to say this to you after all you've been through is deplorable IMHO. It is hurtful, painful, and does absolutely nothing to foster a loving relationship between you two. I'm very sorry you had to hear this from someone you have given so much to. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide, but please protect yourself and your feelings first and foremost.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Cheaters are cowards, so they dont take responsibility for their actions. They blame shift. Your POS husband too did the same. He cheated because you put some weight not because he wanted to. *** him and ask him to own his ****.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do as much as you can to stay healthy by eating right, exercising and taking your meds. I assume you are on thyroid meds. 

Are you taking Synthroid? Or are you taking a generic? If you are taking a generic, ask your doc to write our preseciritn for Synthroid by name with no substitution. I have a few people in my family who are thypothyroid. One of my sisters had to have hers removed as you have. The generic medication does not work for anyone in my family. Everyone tired it when generics because a big thing and crashed. They went back on Synthroid and do well with it.

So take care of yourself. And make sure that you are dressing well, take care of your hair, makeup etc.

Over and above that, it's his problem, not yours. If he keeps this up, he's not much of a man. Dump him and move on.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

the guy said:


> It's important that you can independently confirm NC (no contact) with AP (affair partner) has happened.


I can. She has made several attempts to contact, as well as having an old friend reach out. (He is innocent, still has no idea what happened.) He tells me immediately and refuses contact.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do as much as you can to stay healthy by eating right, exercising and taking your meds. I assume you are on thyroid meds.
> 
> Are you taking Synthroid? Or are you taking a generic? If you are taking a generic, ask your doc to write our preseciritn for Synthroid by name with no substitution. I have a few people in my family who are thypothyroid. One of my sisters had to have hers removed as you have. The generic medication does not work for anyone in my family. Everyone tired it when generics because a big thing and crashed. They went back on Synthroid and do well with it.
> 
> ...


I am on the generic, and I have had other problems that make doubt the effectiveness of the meds. I will try that.

As to the other, dressing well isn't a problem, but I can' t wear makeup. Never have been able to. My allergies are severe. When I was younger I could get away with it, but skin ages.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

If he uses your looks as a reason for his EA then he is a very shallow person.

In 3o years when you are looking even more older, is he going to pull the same crap?

I would tell him that you will love him when he is old, fat, bald and wears diapers so he better get over himself because blaming a natural change in life for his indiscretions is pathetic.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

I know how you can lose weight.

Drop him and find someone that will love you for you.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do as much as you can to stay healthy by eating right, exercising and taking your meds. I assume you are on thyroid meds.
> 
> Are you taking Synthroid? Or are you taking a generic? If you are taking a generic, ask your doc to write our preseciritn for Synthroid by name with no substitution. I have a few people in my family who are thypothyroid. One of my sisters had to have hers removed as you have. The generic medication does not work for anyone in my family. Everyone tired it when generics because a big thing and crashed. They went back on Synthroid and do well with it.
> 
> ...


I would like to second this. It is well known that generic thyroid medication does not work in many cases. This is not the case for most generics, but it is here. Add my wife to the number of folks for whom the synthetic does nothing.

There is something else. Often a doctor will UNDERPRESCRIBE thyroid medication. If the OP gets on synthroid and still cannot lose weight, she should have the dosage increased. This may even mean a small argument with the doctor, but it is one worth having.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Namely, he said that one reason for EA is that I am not as attractive anymore.


No, that's not why he had an EA. People cheat because something within themselves is broken and allows them to take the steps to cheat. In his case, a 35 year old man having an EA with a 23 year old woman, I'd say she validated HIS attractiveness to him, made him feel like "he's still got it" and made him feel really, really good about himself.

He was also probably feeling really, really sorry for himself for being married to a woman who had cancer and thyroid issues, etc. 

Your H sounds like he is weak emotionally. Instead of doubling down to support you, he sought support for his own ego elsewhere.

I'm just saying don't take this on as though you are at fault for his EA by being ill and gaining weight. His affair was entirely his choice based on his own weaknesses.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

CluelessWif said:


> We have been married 15 years. He is 35, I am 33. D is not an option. We have two pre-teens, and I would put up with a lot worse than this to keep their lives stable. I am stuck for the next 8 years.


You aren't stuck this is yOur choice then. I wouldn't expect much if anything to change


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

If you remain unhappy in your marriage, if your WH continues his infantile behavior or worse, your children will know anyways. That's not helping a thing. No superficially "stable" marriage will give them peace of mind and good role models when they can easily see through the charade and believe me, children of all ages can see very clearly. 

You are not to blame for his EA. Repeat as often as necessary.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions and quit blaming you. 

I would think some MC is in order to get his perspective rebooted. Perhaps you could benefit from some IC to re-establish your self esteem and realize that no one else in this wide world is responsible for your happiness but you. Shuck off any dependence on him for that, he isn't capable of it at this point in his entitled life. 

Answer that musical question: "Are you strong enough to be my man?" The answer may tell you a lot.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

CluelessWif said:


> I am on the generic, and I have had other problems that make doubt the effectiveness of the meds. I will try that.
> 
> As to the other, dressing well isn't a problem, but I can' t wear makeup. Never have been able to. My allergies are severe. When I was younger I could get away with it, but skin ages.


It can take a long time to get the dose and combination right. If your doctor is not actively pursuing the right mix of meds, ordering tests, etc, fire him/her and find a new doctor. Your health, your body, your money. 

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I'm extra sorry that your WH is a jerk. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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