# Wives, should I tell her i wasn't asleep?



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

OK, it finally happened. i was super excited, and mortified at the same time. why i feel i need to share this i don't know. but i'm seeking the basic "you did the right thing" assurance.

Here's the short version. We have a decent love making session, but it was a billion degrees in our room and i well just had to stop because i was way too hot. i didn't finish. i felt bad about that. that's not my question though.

so i go rinse off and lie down to sleep. she reads a book. but i'm only 1/2 asleep when i hear the unmistakable sounds of self pleasuring next to me after about 10 minutes. mind you, this is the moment i've dreamed about for all my life 

i'm both excited and terrified at the same time. clearly she's trying to be quiet. clearly what i'm hearing is exactly what i think it is. i keep breathing slowly and don't move. she finishes in less than 2 minutes (i'm astonished). i still don't move. the sound she makes at the end is something i'll never forget. it was beautiful in a way i can't describe. then she falls asleep. so do i (sort of, my turn?)

so now i'm like...that was sooo awesome (forty something years old, really don't know what a woman's O looks or sounds like). then i'm like i should have moved in. then i was like no i shouldn't have, that would have ruined it for her.

after 24 hours, i'm now like, that was a complete non event. like brushing her teeth. i think i'm realizing she did something she has probably done 1,000 times before. it also probably has about zero to do with me. so i'm pretty sure i should NOT bring it up.

Thoughts?????


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Gseries said:


> OK, it finally happened. i was super excited, and mortified at the same time. why i feel i need to share this i don't know. but i'm seeking the basic "you did the right thing" assurance.
> 
> Here's the short version. We have a decent love making session, but it was a billion degrees in our room and i well just had to stop because i was way too hot. i didn't finish. i felt bad about that. that's not my question though.
> 
> ...


My thoughts:

1. What you bolded.....is that what you meant? You really have no idea what your wife's O looks or sounds like? Does that mean she never has one with you? I'm confused.

2. If you have A/C, turn it on. I also hate sex in super hot weather, so I'm with you!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea.. did you really mean that your wife has never orgasmed when the two of you are having sex?

If not, why not?


----------



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Like the others asked, I have to assume you've never given or seen your wife "O" before. Maybe you assumed (for some reason) that she couldn't? Have you two ever discussed it?

I would say that you did the right thing by not interrupting her, but at the end you could have snuggled up and let her know that you were awake - and aroused. At this point, you should bring it up in conversation - ask her what she needs from you, how you can make her "O".


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would say it is way past time that you got into her business. I heard the O sound several times the first week with my wife.

Gotta find that stuff out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

#1 - If you're in your forties and haven't seen your wife have an orgasm, then you're doing sex wrong. No, I don't mean that way. I mean by not incorporating masturbation, for example, into your lovemaking. Clearly she's able to O on her own, so why is this not happening during sex???

FWIW, I never saw my ex wife have one, either, until 2/3rds of our relationship was over. She just wasn't capable during sex. Was it me? Maybe. Was it her physiology? Maybe. But she was definitely capable of orgasming on her own with a vibrator. Only a vibrator. This is not something she/we discovered until 6-7 years into our relationship. And it wasn't something we incorporated into our sex life until a year or so after that. She experimented on her own to start, and I even remember her being embarrassed about it, to the point that it was only used when I wasn't around. So it took me a good 8 years to finally see my ex wife have an orgasm with me present. It happens.

As for your main question, just leave it alone, for now anyway. If you've never seen her masturbate to orgasm in front of you (ie. she's doing it on her own, or in this case, when she thinks you're asleep, then she's obviously not comfortable with doing it for whatever reason. Much like my ex wife wouldn't do it with me present. Until she did.

On a positive note, your wife did this with you right next to her. Doesn't really matter if she thought you were sleeping or not. Unless you're historically one of those people that can't be woken up by an atomic bomb, then she was at least comfortable enough of the possibility of being caught.

My ex wife would never have done something like that. Instead, she'd usually go run a bath after sex, while I went to bed (we had very different work schedules at that point, so it never seemed out of the ordinary). I started to catch on a few months after she bought her first vibrator. So we'd have sex, she'd kiss me good night, go run her nightly bath, and she'd finish herself off while the tub was running, thinking that it would mask the sounds. (which it usually did). But the odd time I'd still be awake, and I'd hear things. Eventually I clued in and I'd purposefully remain awake after we were done. And once I started listening for it, I realized it was every single time. Like you, I thought it was kind of sexy, but I was also confused about how I felt about that.

So. Once (and only once), I took a deep breath, got out of bed, and walked into the bathroom, pretending I had to use it. Caught her red-handed (actually, purple-handed! :wink2: )

I took that opportunity to have a chat with her the next day, and let her know this is not something she has to hide from me, and it could be a part of our sex life. It eventually did, though it took her many tries to orgasm with me in the room. At some point, she got comfortable enough to do so, and it became a part of our sex life going forward.

But like I said, it was very very gradual. A bit over a year from the initial purchase of the vibrator to being comfortable enough to use it in front of me, and another few months to actually be able to orgasm with it in front of me.

So, take it slow. If it happens again, let it go. See if she becomes more comfortable doing this, while she thinks you're asleep. It's actually progress, believe it or not. Then if and when it becomes the norm, make a move - roll over and kiss her, or run your hand through her hair. And say NOTHING.

She needs to be made to feel that this is completely normal, doesn't insult you, and that you're okay with it. SHE needs to feel comfortable with it, and not embarrassed.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Generally speaking you can not go wrong with improving communication in your marriage. Look at it as an opportunity to learn and improve your relationship. I'll warn you that this is one of those topics not to joke about when you bring it up as you do not want her to feel ashamed.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh G, you really should have rolled over as soon as she finished. Propped your head on your hand and with a devilish smile said, "that was the sexiest thing I've ever heard! Thank you honey! Next time I'd love to watch."

Asking her, did you just masturbate, seems like an accusation, too close to shaming. You know what happened so go with that.

Most times, it is easier to reach orgasm solo, for women. We have the direct feedback loop so we know exactly what to do. As far as the difference in sounds go...I think this is pretty normal. Different orgasms sound different. Sometimes they're rollers, sometimes they're crashers, and sometimes they're exploders. She might have even been a little turned on knowing you were right next to her and she was risking being caught.

As far as her masturbating right after sex with you, that could go either way. Sometimes great sex makes you want more sex. Maybe she does orgasm with you but can't bring herself to ask for more? Or maybe she can't yet orgasm with you yet needed to orgasm to calm her body down to go to sleep?


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh G, you really should have rolled over as soon as she finished. Propped your head on your hand and with a devilish smile said, "that was the sexiest thing I've ever heard! Thank you honey! Next time I'd love to watch."
> 
> Asking her, did you just masturbate, seems like an accusation, too close to shaming. You know what happened so go with that.
> 
> ...


I like everything about this post!

I think sometimes couples get into this mindset that they're SO sure they know absolutely everything about their partner - including how they'll react to something - that they often don't make the attempt to do things like this. OP's wife is masturbating with him right there, presumably asleep, and after sex. If there wasn't some sort of turn-on for her, she'd have done it in the bathroom or somewhere.

Whether she WANTS to be "caught" or not is a different story, which is why he must proceed with total caution. In my younger days, and also when I was a bit older with my ex wife, I'd often have sex or fool around in public places. Occasionally solo, as well. By "public", I don't mean "in the middle of the park". I'm talking about taking a hike somewhere and getting busy, or somewhere else where there was a 99% chance of NOT getting caught. It's that 1% that's kind of exciting, but in the end, I definitely did not want to be caught! I'm no exhibitionist. So perhaps OP's wife has a little bit of that in her. She might actually die if she was caught, but the excitement at the possibility might be a bit of a turn-on.

Regardless, I still maintain that it's a huge positive that she's comfortable enough to do that, despite her maybe being very certain he is asleep. It's a step in the right direction, anyway.


----------



## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

alexm said:


> I like everything about this post!


Exactly.


----------



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Hi AP! The answer to the O question during sex is no, she told me it doesn't happen. That was a statement on our 17th anniversary dinner. Since then I've pouted a lot. But also worked hard on full body massages and a vibe that makes her leak a lot. The first time I learned that women's genitals get engorged was year of marriage 19. I asked, because I didn't know what was happening.
So its possible then I'm making progress! I'll let Y'all know if I get the courage to mention it.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Hi AP! The answer to the O question during sex is no, she told me it doesn't happen. That was a statement on our 17th anniversary dinner. Since then I've pouted a lot. But also worked hard on full body massages and a vibe that makes her leak a lot. The first time I learned that women's genitals get engorged was year of marriage 19. I asked, because I didn't know what was happening.
> So its possible then I'm making progress! I'll let Y'all know if I get the courage to mention it.


 @Gseries

You started making progress on your 17th anniversary when she was finally honest with you. Keep the honesty going. While you've got her in a comfortable bear hug, and she is calm, whisper in her ear, "I loved listening to you getting yourself off the other night. I would love to watch some time." Kiss her and leave it at that. After two weeks or so, if she hasn't brought it up yet, you bring it up and ask again.

If she lets you watch, talk dirty to her with lots of dirty compliments.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

alexm said:


> Occasionally solo, as well.



That's something I didn't need to have in my head. 



.


----------



## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

I love Anon Pink's suggestion... because it works! Hubby caught me years ago in the same situation you just had with your wife and that's pretty much what he did with me and it totally worked. He knows its an open invite to join me if I am masturbating next to him when I think he's asleep. To be honest I always hope he wakes up joins me.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Decorum said:


> That's something I didn't need to have in my head.
> 
> 
> 
> .


Lol!

I should clarify, as I only just realized what that sounded like... Was with an ex, in the middle of nowhere, camping, putting on a show for each other. Solo, but not "solo". Woops.

Not adult me, by myself in the woods. :surprise:

Apparently there's an unofficial nude beach about 30 minutes from here, outside of the city, but it's also part of a much larger forested area with many many trails, a lot of lakes, and a place where lots of folks go to hike and walk the trails. We're talking 1000's of acres. Only problem is, if you don't know where this beach is, you just might run into people taking part in activities you didn't plan on seeing. The lore is that it started out as a place for naturalists (ie. nudists), and it was quickly taken over by slightly more adventurous people, if you know what I mean. I've heard a few stories of this over the years, and I cringe every time. Not for me.

Anyway, carry on.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Maybe she wanted you to notice?


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

alexm said:


> Lol!
> 
> I should clarify, as I only just realized what that sounded like... Was with an ex, in the middle of nowhere, camping, putting on a show for each other. Solo, but not "solo". Woops.
> 
> ...


Ha ha ha ha ha, thanks for making that clear Alexm, I love reading your posts but that mental picture would have put an uncomfortable pall on the experience for me. :laugh:




.


----------



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Sunny wife...was it embarrassing first time caught? I guess I'm afraid she'll clam up.
Truth is I think she's happier taking care of things on her own.


----------



## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

It may be that it would embarrass her if you brought that one time up. You wouldn't want to shut down the potential for opening up. 

Maybe bring up that you would like to explore your sexuality a bit and watching each other masturbate is something at interests you. Let her know you would like to see what she does for herself so you could learn more about what she likes so you can please her more. 

This approach would open the door for exploration and if things go well a few times, you may have a window to let her know that you were really awake that night and so glad that you were able to witness such an intimate moment. If she is hesitant, you may wait and savor that little secret.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Better to not say anything for now. How much do you know about male and female sexuality? It might help to learn as much as you can about partnered sex and use trail and error to find what makes her orgasm. There's lots of books and manuals available these days.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Three things:

1 - As others said, you haven't witnessed her orgasm in 40 years? 

2 - You started sex, got too hot and walked away? You left her horny in bed? If a guy wrote in and said he wife stopped him mid-coitus and said she was too hot and stopped, we'd be burning her at the stake.

3 - I bet she knew you were awake. She either did it because (a) she wanted to rev you up or (b) she was sending you a "f*** you" statement.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Once when we were on vacation (on a cruise) my wife stopped mid-coitus. Wish I had known you guys back then. You could have tied her to the stake, piled up the wood and poured gasoline on it. Then I could have rode (ridden?) to her rescue. Maybe I would have gotten some good sex after that episode! 

Lord knows nothing else has worked.


----------



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

went on a date and spilled the whole story. it went well. she doesn't usually embarass easily but despite her stating that she was bright red, i found that cute. i was more embarrassed to have intruded on her private time. the funniest part of the whole conversation was, she misunderstood the timing...i was talking about something about a month after the fact, when in fact she had masturbated next to me the night before. that was worth a good laugh when she realized she had just confessed


----------



## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh G, you really should have rolled over as soon as she finished. Propped your head on your hand and with a devilish smile said, "that was the sexiest thing I've ever heard! Thank you honey! Next time I'd love to watch."
> 
> Hot!!!!!!!!!>


----------



## SouthernBelle822 (Jul 8, 2015)

alexm said:


> Lol!
> 
> I should clarify, as I only just realized what that sounded like... Was with an ex, in the middle of nowhere, camping, putting on a show for each other. Solo, but not "solo". Woops.
> 
> ...





Catherine602 said:


> Better to not say anything for now. How much do you know about male and female sexuality? It might help to learn as much as you can about partnered sex and use *trail and error* to find what makes her orgasm. There's lots of books and manuals available these days.


Have to admit, I cracked up a little from this typo after having just read the story about people getting it on in the woods!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Gseries said:


> went on a date and spilled the whole story. it went well. she doesn't usually embarass easily but despite her stating that she was bright red, i found that cute. i was more embarrassed to have intruded on her private time. the funniest part of the whole conversation was, *she misunderstood the timing*...i was talking about something about a month after the fact, when in fact *she had masturbated next to me the night before*. that was worth a good laugh when she realized she had just confessed


Oh snap! This thread made me do a double take! 

Thanks for the update :laugh:

Badsanta


----------



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Do these threads die of natural causes? I have a follow up. Two things have evolved from this. One, I now can witness my wife orgasm, with some serious toy action. Two I got really comfortable masturbating next to her when she falls asleep. I'm thinking that isn't a good thing.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why not just play with each other instead of masturbating.

does she do oral and hand jobs ask you what you like? or does she expect you to read her mind and just lay there expecting you to put all the effort into love making.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Gseries said:


> Do these threads die of natural causes? I have a follow up. Two things have evolved from this. One, I now can witness my wife orgasm, with some serious toy action. Two I got really comfortable masturbating next to her when she falls asleep. I'm thinking that isn't a good thing.


As Chilly said, do this with each other. Quit waiting til the other is asleep (or "asleep")!

My wife and I do this once in a while, and it's a great way to mix things up. Sometimes we're just not in the mood for the whole deal.

And related, I've never heard my wife masturbating while I was next to her, but I've heard her when she didn't think I was around a handful of times. It's sexy. I wish she'd do it in bed, thinking I was sleeping, but I don't think she's that adventurous. It's not a bad thing that your wife seems to do this occasionally. Shows she's comfortable about it, and it probably has a bit of an excitement factor for her, and that's cool.

But next time you hear her, and she thinks you're sleeping, just start doing it yourself! Trust me, she'll probably really like that.


----------



## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

Gseries said:


> OK, it finally happened. i was super excited, and mortified at the same time. why i feel i need to share this i don't know. but i'm seeking the basic "you did the right thing" assurance.
> 
> Here's the short version. We have a decent love making session, but it was a billion degrees in our room and i well just had to stop because i was way too hot. i didn't finish. i felt bad about that. that's not my question though.
> 
> ...


Why did you stop, even when the temperature was hot. I have never stopped till lover was done or said enough. Could have grabbed the toy and finish her yourself


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Gseries said:


> Do these threads die of natural causes? I have a follow up. Two things have evolved from this. One, I now can witness my wife orgasm, with some serious toy action. Two I got really comfortable masturbating next to her when she falls asleep. I'm thinking that isn't a good thing.


It's a lot more fun if she's awake and watching!
And she's got a hold of herself too!

:smile2:


----------



## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

Gseries said:


> Do these threads die of natural causes? I have a follow up. Two things have evolved from this. One, I now can witness my wife orgasm, with some serious toy action. Two I got really comfortable masturbating next to her when she falls asleep. I'm thinking that isn't a good thing.



The fact that she can orgasm in two minutes with self stimulation means its in there with a lot less than "serious toy action." IMO you should be using this new openness as an opportunity to better understand your wife's sexual needs; exactly what turns her on, what stimulates her, what drives her to orgasm? As you learn this by watching, and helping, her masturbate, you can incorporate those techniques into your lovemaking and reach a point where you are both having great orgasms together!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've self pleasured myself plenty of times right beside my husband years ago.. He seemed to be fast asleep when I got in the mood.. half the time I WOKE him up (always wanted to!) and half the time I didn't - feeling I was being selfish , since he needed his sleep.. he's the one who worked full time & he always seemed to need more sleep than I did.. I'd get horny late at night.. he'd be raring to go in the am.. (we had our timings off)

When we finally opened up this conversation (I did feel it was taboo!- he never brought it up either!)... at this point we were married 19 yrs & had a slew of kids...(ridiculous, isn't it)..

Here I learned he always waited for me.. and he was SHOCKED I did that.. he had no idea.. it's really a shame how we missed each other here.. as he was wanting more sex.. and I was "FINE"...content... since I was doing myself every now & then.. I just assumed he probably did too.. so I was shocked he never did - and always waited for me !

So take it from a couple who didn't talk about this.. it was a big waste... the last thing you want is to "miss each other" like we did.. we should have been having more sex.. I wanted him more than doing myself anyway.. it was just so foolish... 

Sounds she wanted her "O"... but you were too over heated at the time, couldn't finish... If I was her.. I would have tried to do all I could to cool you down.. then go for it again.. but maybe she felt that would be too pushy.. 

We don't have air conditioning at our house.. we use fans.. we've done this silly thing where we get soft paint brushes on really hot nights.. a cup of water.. and paint each other...it's intimate.. it cools us down.. might try that some night -then go for it !!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Do these threads die of natural causes? I have a follow up. Two things have evolved from this. One, I now can witness my wife orgasm, with some serious toy action. Two I got really comfortable masturbating next to her when she falls asleep. I'm thinking that isn't a good thing.


Hi G, good to see you back.

I just want to remind you that the serious toy action needed for her to orgasm is not at all a slight on your skills, necessarily. Does she need the toys to get herself off when she masturbates too?

If she needs that much help to get there, yet can bring herself off solo without toys, then she needs to be more communicative with you. Whether she is inhibited and preventing her arousal to build, or she can't focus on selfishly feeling her body (and it does take a certain amount of selfishness for women to totally block out everything but what's going on in her body) or maybe she needs you to do something different or stop doing something different.

That is something my husband was surprised to learn, that once I am building I do not want him to switch it up! He likes that, I do not. He really was surprised to learn that about our differences.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

I wouldn't say anything tbh. She might get embarrassed and freak out.


----------

