# Scared to leave



## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

I've been married 20 years and been thinking about leaving almost the whole time. I raised our four kids and didn't work to stay home with them, so my degree is out the window. He thinks it was all fun and games for me to have four kids, two years apart, with no help from him and do daycare on top of answering phones for his business. No, I won't be able to get a job worth a crap and I won't be able to support myself and the two kids still home. I'd have to move somewhere cheaper and my high schoolers would HATE to change schools and I'm afraid it'll get them to rebel/get off track. I'm terribly afraid I'll regret leaving him too. I love him, he just has no passion or compassion and I'm tired of being ignored or him acting like it is painful to speak to me/look at me.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. 9 years in for me. Too scared to leave..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Can you start planning now for making a move when the last two are out of the house? Perhaps get a job now and the experience can help you get to something better in a couple years and meanwhile save a little if the marriage does break apart.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've been married 20 years but you raised four kids, not "we"? Was your husband in outer space? You said you had no help from him. Did he not work and financially support the family? If you won't be able to support yourself and the kids then you haven't been able to, which means someone has supported you and the kids or they have substantially helped. He's ignoring you? You've just written the last 20 years of his contribution to the family as completely meaningless. I believe you are correct. You would regret a decision to end this relationship because I don't believe you actually understand how you and the kids have benefited from it. We generally don't really appreciate our blessings until they are gone.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

True, he HAS worked his butt off for our family, but raising four kids on my own is no picnic. I've never expected him to help, but his attitude is, he works to bring home the bacon, and that is ALL he has to do - meaning if he wants to be verbally abusive, take his work frustrations out on me, expect everything in the house to be perfect at all times, NEVER runs an errand - even if I had the flu, if we need milk or medicine or a kid needs to be taken somewhere, he won't do it. He's "home and not leaving again". But if he suddenly, on a whim, thinks "hum, I want a new TV" he'll leave then and come back with a new TV after just having had a fit over a doctor bill - our copay - and gets really mad at me for something that was necessary, like a sick kid. He isn't affectionate, hardly looks at me and watches TV by himself while I'm alone or watching TV with one of the kids or whatever. (this is at night) My dad is dying right in front of me, (I'm sitting next to him, and he has maybe a day or two) and my husband has not once hugged me, said he's sorry, nothing. I traveled 6 hours to be here and have been here two days and he never even called to see if I made it. Has not called at all. He doesn't have extra responsibility because his brother is visiting long term and takes great care of the kids. (PS - two are at college and two are high school) My husband encouraged me to come here which I appreciate, but he couldn't get me out of the door fast enough. Instead of a hug, I got "what are you waiting for" just because I was reading an update text about my dad before getting in the car. So, yeah, I appreciate all he has done for us financially, but is everything else okay because of it? I think there's more to a marriage than money.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You've been married 20 years but you raised four kids, not "we"? Was your husband in outer space? You said you had no help from him. Did he not work and financially support the family? If you won't be able to support yourself and the kids then you haven't been able to, which means someone has supported you and the kids or they have substantially helped. He's ignoring you? You've just written the last 20 years of his contribution to the family as completely meaningless. I believe you are correct. You would regret a decision to end this relationship because I don't believe you actually understand how you and the kids have benefited from it. We generally don't really appreciate our blessings until they are gone.


This seems somewhat judgmental to me. You were not there. It sounds like my situation, sure my husband made more money than me, but he may as well have been in outer space. He would not help with the kids, their activities, education, health, etc. He would make no decisions with me. So when things didn't work out, it was my fault. I worked part time, but just at jobs that allowed me to be home when the kids were home, so now after 24 years I have no career. I did get a job as an executive assistant part time.

Once the kids grew up, my husband and I have nothing in common anymore. We don't do anything together. It wasn't terrible until I discovered his gambling debts. So yes he made a lot of money, but he got us in tremendous debt. Just because a spouse makes a lot of money and supports the other spouse and the children, it is not necessarily a "blessing".

I am separating from my husband and I don't regret it. There is more to life than making money.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Very Sad said:


> I've been married 20 years and been thinking about leaving almost the whole time. I raised our four kids and didn't work to stay home with them, so my degree is out the window. He thinks it was all fun and games for me to have four kids, two years apart, with no help from him and do daycare on top of answering phones for his business. No, I won't be able to get a job worth a crap and I won't be able to support myself and the two kids still home. I'd have to move somewhere cheaper and my high schoolers would HATE to change schools and I'm afraid it'll get them to rebel/get off track. I'm terribly afraid I'll regret leaving him too. I love him, he just has no passion or compassion and I'm tired of being ignored or him acting like it is painful to speak to me/look at me.


I've been married almost 25 years, and I am ending it. The kids held us together, and now they are grown. I didn't want to break apart my family, but I found out that we are in tremendous debt that my husband kept hidden from me, and that was the deciding factor for me. I am terrified to leave also, and can barely support myself. Luckily I found a friend to move in with for a reasonable amount of money, because I can't afford an apartment. I know it must be hard since you still have kids at home. Is there any way you can wait until they are out of school? My situation wasn't abusive or anything like that, so I just put up with it until the kids grew up.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Why not ask an attorney what you might get? Your SAHM status is work and helped him to make his career especially when you add in the phone work. I am certain you helped him get where he is. I am also sure there is much more to this. It's just a first thought to try and get started in making a decision about what to do. Don't stop there, though, since there probably is so much more going on from both sides. You have choices you may not know about. It takes a little time to sort through once you decide the problem is big enough to come to a place like this that can help you.

Don't forget, everyone has their own issues which come out in their posts. Unfortunately, you can see them in mine also.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

That's a good point, you can get temporary alimony while you are separated. It may not be what you would eventually get when you are divorced, but a good attorney should be able to handle this for you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Very Sad said:


> I've been married 20 years and been thinking about leaving almost the whole time. I raised our four kids and didn't work to stay home with them, so my degree is out the window. He thinks it was all fun and games for me to have four kids, two years apart, with no help from him and do daycare on top of answering phones for his business. No, I won't be able to get a job worth a crap and I won't be able to support myself and the two kids still home. I'd have to move somewhere cheaper and my high schoolers would HATE to change schools and I'm afraid it'll get them to rebel/get off track. I'm terribly afraid I'll regret leaving him too. I love him, he just has no passion or compassion and I'm tired of being ignored or him acting like it is painful to speak to me/look at me.


Seriously, you are afraid you will regret doing something that you have spent the better part of the last 20 years thinking about?? No, you would NOT regret it, not for one second! You are just scared, which is understandable. WHy is your degree out the window, do they have an expiration date? Your kids are WAY old enough for you to get out of the house and get a job. That can get you on track to getting out.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

OMG! This could be my story. Although, my husband has had 2 affairs and I can't trust him. I still love him and don't want to leave. My sons are 9 and 14. My husband did say he would stay until the younger one graduates OK that gives me 9 years. I will be 60 years old. I have not worked outside the home, either. I can't find a job, now, I'm sure 9 more years won't help. If you figure out what to do , let me know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lonely one said:


> OMG! This could be my story. Although, my husband has had 2 affairs and I can't trust him. I still love him and don't want to leave. My sons are 9 and 14. My husband did say he would stay until the younger one graduates OK that gives me 9 years. I will be 60 years old. I have not worked outside the home, either. I can't find a job, now, I'm sure 9 more years won't help. If you figure out what to do , let me know.


Wow, so your CHEATING husband is going to do YOU this HUGE favor and stay with you for the next nine years?? Are you crazy?? Your youngest is 9, get out and get a job, and find some self respect! You only CANT find a job if you arent LOOKING for a job! Take anything! 

GAH! The gall of some of these cheaters just blows my mind!


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

OK first of all, until you have walked in someone's shoes, don't yell at them to do something. I have two children that have been moved around more than I care to discuss. We have been in the same home for 5 years, they have been going to the same schools and they are very happy and involved in their school activities. I have been looking for a job for over a year. I don't know where you think these jobs are, but obviously you live in an area where the economy is different than the rest of the country. I will not work just any job, because I have to have certain times for my children's activities. My number one priority. As I said before, I have a good life. My husband makes a good income. I live in a nice house and I do what I want. My family is happy. The only problem is our relationship, which I can live with. He said these things because I pulled them out of him. I really don't believe him. If he wanted to go, he would be gone. He is that selfish. My husband and I do not argue, we go on dates, we go out every weekend, last weekend we went to a winery for a wine tasting. My life is not bad. I am 51 years old. I don't want to change. And if the truth be known, I told his mom, 13 years ago that as soon as the kids were out of high school, I would probably leave him. LOL Oh, and by the way, I am not crazy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I wasnt yelling, that was more...being incredulous. If you are content with a cheating man, then so be it, but read how you posted your situation.. it was seriously presented like him doing you some big ol favor by staying. 

VerySad, didnt mean to derail!


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

I tried to get back into the thread, but couldn't find it. I realize that your post was meant to be helpful, but when someone is in a situation, they don't want to be told to get a job and self respect. Maybe because the person is defensive and it also because it comes off mean and cruel, even if it may be true. It is hard to tell an entire story in one little paragraph. I had put my story on another thread and just didn't repeat the entire thing. If my husband and I hadn't gotten into a deep conversation that I started last week, none of this would have come out. We are both unhappy/happy. But, we have been together for 19 years and have voiced that we wouldn't know what to do without the other. I think if I was 10 years younger and no children I would have left. But, that is not the circumstance now and I have more than myself to think about. He has cheated twice in 19 years, he has to deal with his own conscience about that. He said he has learned his lesson and it won't happen again. Will it? I don't know. If it does, he will be gone. I just don't want to have to be by myself until I have to.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Well, I got my degree in psychology (BA) which you can't do much with unless you have a masters. I have two kids in college and two to go with NO desire to go back to school. If I had any hope of working in my field with a BA, I would have had to have a job right away in that field. I couldn't, and like the other poster, I had to fit my job hours around the kids, so that narrow my choices too. I've worked off an on as a preschool teacher, but don't want to do that unless I become desperate. I've come very close to starting my own pet care business, but my husband didn't want "the liability". So, I never completed it. Anyway, if I did something like that now, it wouldn't make sense because if I get separated, I will need to move over an hour away, where I can afford it. So, my clients would be too far away. My daughter starts high school in the Fall, so I'm going to probably just get a full-time job then. Maybe if I am more independent financially, I will have more confidence and he'll have less (won't have so much control). I texted him to tell him my dad probably won't be alive by morning and he texted back "be strong". I guess it is a start. I sooo need his support and reassurance right now.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

Very sad. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Hopefully, he will be supportive at this time. You sound so much like me. I only have 2 children. My older son will start high school this fall and absolutely loves his school. I can't imagine taking that away from him. If something were to come between my husband and myself, I would have to move to another state 5 hours away and it's the last thing that I want to do, even if it was just me. So, I wait. I figure God has me here for a reason. It could be much worse. I am seeing a counselor by myself. I think he would go back with me, but I am going to do it this time, for myself. Good luck with your relationship. I hope it gets better.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Thank you. You too. Sucks to be stuck.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Very Sad said:


> Well, I got my degree in psychology (BA) which you can't do much with unless you have a masters. I have two kids in college and two to go with NO desire to go back to school. If I had any hope of working in my field with a BA, I would have had to have a job right away in that field. I couldn't, and like the other poster, I had to fit my job hours around the kids, so that narrow my choices too. I've worked off an on as a preschool teacher, but don't want to do that unless I become desperate. I've come very close to starting my own pet care business, but my husband didn't want "the liability". So, I never completed it. Anyway, if I did something like that now, it wouldn't make sense because if I get separated, I will need to move over an hour away, where I can afford it. So, my clients would be too far away. My daughter starts high school in the Fall, so I'm going to probably just get a full-time job then. Maybe if I am more independent financially, I will have more confidence and he'll have less (won't have so much control). I texted him to tell him my dad probably won't be alive by morning and he texted back "be strong". I guess it is a start. I sooo need his support and reassurance right now.


I worked as a preschool teacher too, and as a substitute teacher. Not because I love teaching but because I wanted a job where I could be home when my kids were home. That was important to both my husband and myself. Even if you are desperate and go back to preschool teaching, I doubt you could support yourself on that salary.

I'm so sorry about your dad, this is a very stressful time for you. But you should look into temporary alimony if you can afford to see an attorney.


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