# My wife's favorite position: Corpse II



## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

So many things have gone wrong that i really don't know where to post this. My wife is drinking. I'm neglected in and out of the bedroom, frustrated by her mood swings and feaarful that she will do something irrevocably bad for us and our marriage. We're both unnder enormous presssure caused by elderly parents and old ghosts from her upbringing. The only constant is that we still love each other. 

Back story: I'm 65 and she's 55. She's an engineer and works away from home two weeks at a time in a high security remote location. She's well respected for her high intelligence and professional capabilities on the job. I'm a retired CEO, run a small business and manage family finances. Second marriage for both. Both of us had short, medium and long relationships between marriages. We're financially comfortable and when she's home have time for ourselves. Kids are grown and gone. 

She's always been a drinker--I thinkin reaction to a Bible-belt upbriinging and rebellion. I used to drink socially, but stopped 6 months ago to lose weight and b/c of high blood pressure. Previously between us, we'd kill a bottle and a half of wine before and during dinner. Have been hitting the gym, eating better. Lost 30 pounds and am looking okay for an old fart. 

The last week she was home, she consistently started drinking at 10 am or before (champagne with breakfast) and just kept drinking all day long. Sometimes she'll take a nap at 4 pm and then get up around 6 and resume. Sometimes, she just goes to bed at 7 pm. If she gets back up, she'll keep drinking after I've gone to bed -- she won't come to bed--and stay up until midnight. 
We've gone out for dinner and she's already toasted and proceeds to toss down glass after glass over dinner. I've just run the numbers and her liquior bills are higher than our mortgage.

So, why haven't I addressed this...well you have to start sometime and this is is. She is very stubborn and willful. One attempt to discuss lwhile she was drunk (bad idea, I know now) resulted in her getting in the car, driving off and remaining gone oall night. I was frantic. She returned, didn't want to talk but said she'd cut back. Later, another time, the day after she'd gotten sloshed and passed out on a overnight flight to Europe, she downed two morning glasses of champagne glasses and when I told her she needed to stop, she walked away into Heathrow Airport. (An aside, in looking at her history, it seems that she copes with conflict by running away. She ran away from home b/c of an abusive mother, ran away from her first marriage, ran away from one longer relationship and now with me, she's run twice ph;ysically and many times just run away into her own head. 

I've talked with her about counseling. She doesn't believe in it and doesn't see now it could possibly help. (She believes shs smartr than the counselors could possibly be. What could they tell her that she doesn't already know?) 

And now about the bedroom. Sex dropped precipitously after menopause. It didn't pause, it just stopped. No libido, and missionary was it and all. I posted earlier, and thought that I'd gotten things sorted out, but that lasted not very long. Now, there have been times that we've gone to bed, cuddled, moved to the next stage and she's actually falled asleep. Once, to stop that I pulled her on top. She fell asleep. What does that do you your confidence and desire? 

So, I feel like I'm living with an unexploded bomb and I'm open to all advice, criticism, whatever.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Time4Joy said:


> So many things have gone wrong that i really don't know where to post this. My wife is drinking. I'm neglected in and out of the bedroom, frustrated by her mood swings and feaarful that she will do something irrevocably bad for us and our marriage. We're both unnder enormous presssure caused by elderly parents and old ghosts from her upbringing. The only constant is that we still love each other.
> 
> Back story: I'm 65 and she's 55. She's an engineer and works away from home two weeks at a time in a high security remote location. She's well respected for her high intelligence and professional capabilities on the job. I'm a retired CEO, run a small business and manage family finances. Second marriage for both. Both of us had short, medium and long relationships between marriages. We're financially comfortable and when she's home have time for ourselves. Kids are grown and gone.
> 
> ...


Verify she is in that job over a 2 week period of time when she is there. Perhaps GPS her phone, determine that she enters the facility like she says and that she exits. If you could get into some of her social media accounts that would help you too.

That 2 week away per month or even during the week travelling is a great time to cheat and has been an alibi for a very long time.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Your wife is an alcoholic. Pretty much nothing is going to go anywhere until that is resolved. It's like saying you're having trouble learning to water-ski, and the boat is sitting on your driveway pavement without a trailer.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Yep...dry her out, then work on other steps, possibly low hormone levels.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

She should drop it down to a "normal" level of hootch.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others. You have to fix the alcoholism first, before fixing your sex life is even a consideration. But that may involve dealing with the "ghosts". 

How long have you been married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

Married 5 years. Together for 10. 

Re: cheating...we each have iPhone "friend" gps apps. She's always where she says she's going to be. Some no service spots when she's at work. She absolutely cannot drink at job site and stays in quarters there. She's open with phone, computer, FB. We talk every night when she's away. No flirty behavior. Kind of a geek actually.

I'm traveling now--hence the crappy writing and will get home in mid July just before she gets back. Preparing for a "elephant in the living room" talk, insist that she actually see a counselor--I got her to agree to make an appointment, but I'm sure she's going to reneig. Checking out Al Anon meetings for me. 

Her family home stuff is truly horrible but it doesn't get better if you check out drunk, and it can't be used as an excuse. Comes from a family with addict behavior DNA


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that she will not even try to change unless she risks losing you and the marriage. She is in denial up to her neck. You need to make her understand that you will walk if she doesn't get some help and get it under control. 

Also, marriage is two people living together, loving together and having lots of sex. If there is no sex there is no marriage. 

She sounds like her hormones dropped through the basement after menopause. A little hormonal therapy would do wonders for her. But the alcohol.is depressing her, and that shoots her libido down even more. 

She may be cheating, she may not. You may want to do a little Sherlocking to find out, but it sounds to me like she's just flat lazy when it comes to relationships. Some people cannot get it through their cranium that a successful marriage takes work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread title is funny.

That's all.


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

Re: the title...my first post was "my wife's favorite position: corpse". And it discussed her plummeting libido, unwillingness to try new things...oral is "yucky"...and general room temperature attitude about sex. She's seen the doc about hormones. Prescribed Premarin for comfort/dryness. Stopped using it b/c it's messy. Two months ago got Rx for testosterone. Some increase in desire, but then there's the booze. Kind of gets things started and the checks out. Dayam here I am with a Viagra induced boner and a passed out wife. 

Geez just writing this stuff down makes me see how bad things have gotten. Kind of like a lobster realizing "boy, its gotten hot in this pot.". How did that happen?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Alcohol has to go first.

Then focus on rest of the issues. Without above though, you will simply be dealing with an inconsiderate/careless person.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If it were me I would go to a lawyer know your rights and options first. Then carefully weight your options .....do you still love her or do you want to cut your losses.

then even if I wanted to try to save this marriage (don't know why you would ) I would file for divorce(you can always stop it) and I would explain either she gets help for her drinking or your out of there I would give a time limit and if she dosen't start getting help when the time limit was up I would push through with the divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Time4Joy said:


> Re: the title...my first post was "my wife's favorite position: corpse". And it discussed her plummeting libido, unwillingness to try new things...oral is "yucky"...and general room temperature attitude about sex. She's seen the doc about hormones. Prescribed Premarin for comfort/dryness. Stopped using it b/c it's messy. Two months ago got Rx for testosterone. Some increase in desire, but then there's the booze. Kind of gets things started and the checks out. Dayam here I am with a Viagra induced boner and a passed out wife.
> 
> Geez just writing this stuff down makes me see how bad things have gotten. Kind of like a lobster realizing "boy, its gotten hot in this pot.". How did that happen?


Yeah?

So.....why do you put up with it?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If she is drinking and driving you need to protect your assets because someday she's going to kill or maim someone. You may have to divorce to do that.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> If she is drinking and driving you need to protect your assets because someday she's going to kill or maim someone. You may have to divorce to do that.


This. There's emotional damage and all that....and there's the threat of true damage, physical, criminal, financial damage. You need to triage this, stat.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She is a non functioning alcoholic. Yes she can hold a job but she is not particpating in her marriage. You cannot have a successful marraige to a drunk person. There is only one issue and that is hers to solve which is drinking. Her choice to stop or not stop is not about you or what you say. You have to make your own choices. Possibly losing her marrige could cuase a wake up... WHo knows.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As an alcoholic I have to say I seriously doubt she goes from drinking as much as you say she does to living in a non-alcohol environment for two weeks.

So, she's either packing her booze or grabbing nips at the airport and drinking on the job. It's only a matter of time before she slips up and gets fired.

And as someone else said, it won't end until she realizes she's losing everything. You can either hang in there and see her lose her job first, or you can explain to her it's either alcohol counseling or you. Period.

Otherwise you're in for a long, bumpy ride.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

DoF said:


> Alcohol has to go first.
> 
> Then focus on rest of the issues. Without above though, you will simply be dealing with an inconsiderate/careless person.


I agree. In fact I strongly suspect that it threatens her security status. I can't give you advice about fighting alcoholism, but I see that some here, with more knowledge of it than I have have already offered advice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Time4Joy said:


> Now, there have been times that we've gone to bed, cuddled, moved to the next stage and she's actually falled asleep. Once, to stop that I pulled her on top. She fell asleep. What does that do you your confidence and desire?


This has nothing to do with "desire." She passed out drunk.

Please educate yourself on alcoholism. It is a progressive disease. You can't change her, control her, or cure her.

The ball is in her court.

Trying to have a marriage with an active alcoholic is like trying to drag a dead, wet whale across the sand.

And I know. I'm married to one.

Spouses/partners who find themselves in this situation want their alkie to get into A.A. But tell the enabler/partner to try Al-Anon? Often I've heard tons of excuses not to give it a shot.

Just like alcoholics who make excuses not to try A.A. 

Different sides of the same coin.

At this point, you can only take care of YOU. Get into therapy. Read up on codependency. Try Al-Anon. You have nothing to lose.


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## JuliannaMills (Jun 11, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> This thread title is funny.
> 
> That's all.


Ignorant. 

She needs to resolve her drinking before anything else... Go to AA meetings with her she needs some support and work on your marriage


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

Very helpful posts. Thank you. The more I read the more I know what I thought is right. The drinking isn't just because of the stress of current family issues but they are an excuse for it. 

Most of the alcoholism experience deals with male drinker and female "victim" Anyone here deal successfully with a drinking wife? I think the dynamics are different.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I am so shocked that people put up with this kind of behavior and don't have to. 

I've seen this situation several times and alcohol wins every time. It just completely takes a person over. 

It's a very sad situation you are in but she stops drinking or you leave. 

My advice is to save yourself. So sad.

Best to you and your wife.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Time4Joy said:


> Most of the alcoholism experience deals with male drinker and female "victim" Anyone here deal successfully with a drinking wife? I think the dynamics are different.


I've known my fair share of men who have dealt with alcoholic wives. But successfully? Nope.

You can't deal "successfully" with a drunk. Regardless of gender, they lie. They turn the tables. The play the blame game. They manipulate.

The enabler? They look for ways to make the situation better, to get the alkie to see the light, to avoid dealing with their own issues.

Sorry, but the dynamics are the same.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am a wife whose husband successfully dealt with her drinking problem. I never made it to the level that your W has, but I was well on my way. I'm also a professional with a respectable degree and work that requires responsibility and sobriety.

I think that when she is away from home on business, she is feeling liberated about her drinking. She can hide away wherever and whenever she can and drink herself into oblivion. Now that you've stopped drinking, you are at once a warden, scold, and source of guilt to her. She's freer to drink when she is away from you & that's exactly what she wants. Her days revolve around her access to alcohol. The sex is not a priority at all. I would bet that she blacks out regularly and doesn't even remember whether the two of you had sex the night before.

In my opinion, you have to simply tell her that you don't want a drunk for a wife. This is not how you want to live your life. You also don't want to watch her self-destruct.

My H correctly noted at some point that I was being self-destructive and wanted to know why. I knew he was right and needed to understand it for myself as well as for the health of our marriage.

I think she looks forward to any time away from you right now because it gives her the absolute freedom to drink. This is alcoholism, to be sure. She must dry out. You shouldn't accept anything less, for both of you.

(And 55 isn't a spring chicken. She could easily drink herself into an early grave.)


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