# The road to recovery.. kind of?



## roguebrittany

It seems like some people here have a great understanding of addiction and the problems it can cause. So, I want to ask for a little advice or a few opinions on this matter. I apologize for the length.

Prior to my husband and I getting together- 
He had a great job, but spent pretty much every cent he earned on alcohol. He'd also been seeing and financially supporting a woman (and her infant daughter). He never had any money, and they faught 24/7 because they were always drunk. When they weren't drunk, they were arguing about what to spend money on- beer or her drugs. It was just a nasty situation. From the testimonials of friends and family members, and from him talking to me about it; he was an alcoholic. Getting drunk just about every night he got home from work, and on the weekends it was even worse. He was a disaster. When he finally went to see a doctor, it was because of alcohol poisoning & upon further examination they told him that his liver looked like that of a person thirty years older than himself. After hearing that (and landing himself in jail thanks to some open containers) I think he finally realized what drinking was doing to him. He split up with his partner in crime (since she did nothing but aid in his drinking & partying) and tried to slow down on drinking. 

A few months later, I moved down there to be with him. From what I hear, he has since become a completely different person. His friends and family say he seems happier, healthier and rarely see him with a drink in his hand.

Unfortunately, he does still drink. And I guess that's what I'm worried about. I know his liver is in rough shape, and I know he will not go to a doctor to make sure it doesn't get worse. He's still putting away a thirty pack a week. Rarely its enough to get drunk, but some nights.. it gets pretty bad. He's never hit me, nor verbally abused me. (And I am thankful for that). But he does some pretty bad things when he drinks. He will get mad at me if I say anything about it, and start yelling & sometimes hits things. And I've also caught him emailing & texting other girls. The next day he doesn't remember it, and apologizes like crazy- but that doesn't make it right. I try to ignore him when he drinks/gets drunk. I don't handle it very well, seeing as I grew up with an alcoholic father. 

It seems like everytime we go to see any of his friends (we live about an hour away from most of them) all they want to do is drink. And he always gets drunk. And the evening ends with me babysitting him until its time to go. By then he's passed out, and I have to have some of his friends help get him in a car.. then I have to drive back to our apartment. It usually takes me a few hours, seeing as I'm still new to this area & he can't help me navigate. I couldn't handle it anymore.. so now I just don't go anytime there's going to be a party. I stay home, and he stays the night there. I know his friends have said bad things about me being stuck up, and antisocial. Truth is, I just can't sit there and watch him get hammered, throw up, get in fights, and do all the other dumb stuff he usually does. I can't stop him from doing it, so I just tell him that I'm not going to be any part of it. I've tried asking him not to get drunk, I've tried asking him to leave early (while he's only tipsy) so that he can help me get home. Nothing works, so I just.. stopped going with him. It hurts me that he can't compromise with me a little bit, but it hurts me even more to know what he's doing to himself. Luckily, there aren't a lot of parties these days, but his best friend is coming in the week that I'm going up north to see my family, and I'm incredibly worried.. almost to the extent of just not going. 

He doesn't see a problem with any of this. Is it even healthy for him to drink his 30 pack a week? I mean, his liver is in terrible shape.. and I just don't think he should drink at all. But anytime I talk about him changing, he gets defensive. I know he's changed a lot.. but how do I get him to realize that I'm only trying to help? (I don't nag, I just bring it up if he starts drinking heavily).


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## phillyds

Don't nag, don't bring it up. If you care about him more than yourself you will go crazy first and he will still do what he wants to do. If you are okay with being in a relationship with him whether it is one per week or thirty per week, then you have to do what you need to cope. It is okay to stay but worrying yourself and telling him about drinking heavily is not working so why bother? Al a non teaches to stay out of his way. Focus on yourself and get better. Try al a non. If there are no meetings in your area try an online meeting


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## 4sure

I hate to tell you this, but that is what alcoholics do. They drink no matter what the cost or whom it hurts.

Sounds like he may have stopped long enough to win you over, now he is back to drinking. When dealing with an alcoholic they will do anything to get that drink, including lying.

He is way far gone for you to deal with this on your own. He needs counseling, but he has got to want to quit for himself. Doesn't sound like he does if a failing liver wasn't enough to convince him to quit.

I have been involved with a few men who had addiction problems. When they weren't drinking, or using drugs they were sweet guys. That's why it's so hard to walk away. The emotional rollercoaster is hell though.

I won't tell you what to do, only you can make that call. Good luck, your heart is in the right place. While loving him don't forget to love yourself, you deserve it.


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## BigToe

Drinking that much does two things..

1) makes it very difficult to change the habit
2) catches up to you (ie death)

What you have described to us indicates he sees no need to change his behavior. The more he drinks the harder it will be for him to quit. I don't know if you have any options here. I suspect you CAN'T convince him to change and so I'm afraid that short of leaving him you are just going to have to put up with it.

If you are able to reach him at all you can tell him that dying from liver disease is very slow and very painful. It may already be too late for him.


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