# When I cry my husband gets angry



## rightbraingirl (Aug 19, 2012)

I have been in the hospital for treatment of major depression and anxiety disorder. I'm on Prosac and other meds. My husband thinks its manipulation or laziness or just being a drama queen. He either walks away or says things like "Oh THIS again". His harsh words, or no words at all, make me feel all alone and very hurt. He's been told by psychiatrists he should try to help me but he won't and his anger makes it much worse.


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## UsagiNeko (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm sorry your husband isn't more emotionally supportive of you. He needs to be reminded that depression is a serious condition, and that it is impossible for someone to just "snap out of it" or "get over it." I have quite a number of friends who have depression (I might have it too) so I understand what it's like. There seems to be a lot of people who don't really understand depression and how it works, even after they teach about it in health class in high school.

He even might be hurting too. He may feel helpless, and his way of coping may be acting out in anger. Hang in there. Don't take any insults he throws seriously, because despite how bad you may feel, know you are a good person.


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## rightbraingirl (Aug 19, 2012)

Thank you so much. I am sure you are right in that he doesn't know how to respond. But I have difficulty understanding why he doesn't know how to be compassionate unless he just doesn't care, which may be the reason for all of our problems, including my depression. Thank you again!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Not making any excuses for him but it is very hard to live with some one who suffers from depression. I have been guilty of the behavior that your husband is displaying. You try to be supportive but feel it's useless because nothing changes and after a while you are spent and feel a bit of resentment. It starts to feel one sided . Again, not saying it's right..it just might be how he is feeling.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

rightbraingirl said:


> I have been in the hospital for treatment of major depression and anxiety disorder. I'm on Prosac and other meds. My husband thinks its manipulation or laziness or just being a drama queen. He either walks away or says things like "Oh THIS again". His harsh words, or no words at all, make me feel all alone and very hurt. He's been told by psychiatrists he should try to help me but he won't and his anger makes it much worse.


*hug* I know your husband's attitude is painful. When I went through a depression, my immediate family behaved in the same manner. I know they were frantic and upset, but they were not helping the situation. I forgive them because now I realize how heartbreaking it is to have a depressed teenager.

If you and the psychiatrists have spoken to your husband about his angry words and dismissive attitude and he won't try to be more understanding, I don't think it is healthy for you to live with him. It could lead to another hospitalization due to stress.


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## rightbraingirl (Aug 19, 2012)

Thank you joe kidd & FirstYearDown. You both are right & very insightful. Yes, I think I can understand the difficulty my husband has with it. The drama. But can I live with that? I don't know. The lack of compassion or care makes the depression worse. I think every relationship needs support of each other to thrive. Really even one reassuring word would make a world of difference. 

I have lost a lot of respect for him & often question my choices, which are few right now because of finances. 

Thank you again, this forum has been very helpful!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I left an abusive home with nothing but the clothes on my back and I understand how scary it is to leave with very little. However, when I left my parent's house, I had more than enough of feeling hurt and stifled all the time. It didn't matter how poor I was, as long as I didn't have to deal with being abused.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

There is nothing more frustrating to a man than when his SO has a problem and he feels helpless to fix it. Men like to fix things and when we repeatedly can not, sometimes we throw our hands in the air. 

As a person that used to take prozac for my anger/depression (I never felt depressed, but the Dr.s said my anger was an indicator) I took it for years and it worked almost perfectly, but it bothered me to take it. I loved feeling in control but hated to rely on a pill for that control. 

I researched depression/anger issues and found out some interesting stuff about the chemicals in our food and the alleged links to our brains. I changed my diet and started exercising (although I can't seem to lose this weight) I have been prozac free for over 2 years now. I feel great can run 15k without stopping and am going to run a marathon someday. I did all this under the guidance of my Dr. and you should too, if you choose to do so.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Not everyone will respond well to the changes that you have made. Some people truly need pills to function and they should not be made to feel weak or inadequate because of that. Unfortunately, there is a horrible stigma with mental illness in our society.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Again...not saying it's right , just throwing out my way of thinking at the time. 
It seemed that being "supportive" during those times was in fact "rewarding" her for not being able to cope. 
Wrong...I know.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Hmmm...if my husband is supportive of me during a difficult time, he is enabling me not to cope??? I don't get that. Aren't spouse supposed to be there for each other? We can be supportive without coddling.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Hmmm...if my husband is supportive of me during a difficult time, he is enabling me not to cope??? I don't get that. Aren't spouse supposed to be there for each other? We can be supportive without coddling.


Depends on what supportive is I guess. I can say I'm not very good at it. My way was to just to try and take care of what I thought might be the issue at the time.


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## rightbraingirl (Aug 19, 2012)

Yes, I think it may be the difference between the way men & women think. I can totally understand the "rewarding" dilemma. I have felt that way towards my kids at times. You don't want the behavior to continue. But I think that women tend to think of a man that gives her the benefit of the doubt & comforts her as her hero. I think the depression would actually get better in time because her partner understands. If he thinks I am crying for attention, maybe he should give me a little attention? I guess I am a drama queen, ha.

When my husband backs off at the very moment I need him most, it does make me stop crying eventually. I don't really break down like I used to. But unfortunately it also takes away my feelings for him.


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

rightbraingirl said:


> I have been in the hospital for treatment of major depression and anxiety disorder. I'm on Prosac and other meds. My husband thinks its manipulation or laziness or just being a drama queen. He either walks away or says things like "Oh THIS again". His harsh words, or no words at all, make me feel all alone and very hurt. He's been told by psychiatrists he should try to help me but he won't and his anger makes it much worse.


Oh mu Hunni I feel for you!! I am going thre the SAME EXAACT thing! I go threw HORRIBLE depression spells..and it just runs in my family and i am bi-polar! I am on NO medications for it nether so i STRUGGEL horribly And i cant even tell H when i am feeling down or depressed because he gets angry and starts to think that its his fault! But its JUST a disease that people deal with i just want you to kno im GOING threw the SAMN EXACT thing keep ur head up and if YOU ever NEED TO JUST talk to me so we can relate! PLEASE private message me<3 and i will give you my number or email Keep your head up Hun! I feel for you It hard:


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> There is nothing more frustrating to a man than when his SO has a problem and he feels helpless to fix it. Men like to fix things and when we repeatedly can not, sometimes we throw our hands in the air.
> 
> As a person that used to take prozac for my anger/depression (I never felt depressed, but the Dr.s said my anger was an indicator) I took it for years and it worked almost perfectly, but it bothered me to take it. I loved feeling in control but hated to rely on a pill for that control.
> 
> I researched depression/anger issues and found out some interesting stuff about the chemicals in our food and the alleged links to our brains. I changed my diet and started exercising (although I can't seem to lose this weight) I have been prozac free for over 2 years now. I feel great can run 15k without stopping and am going to run a marathon someday. I did all this under the guidance of my Dr. and you should too, if you choose to do so.


WOW..thanks for that Knowledge!! I will have to look into that! And change my Diet Accordingly..thank you Wiseman


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Hmmm...if my husband is supportive of me during a difficult time, he is enabling me not to cope??? I don't get that. Aren't spouse supposed to be there for each other? We can be supportive without coddling.




:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

100 percent Spouse are suppose to be there for you EVERYSTEP of the way..! 

I,(name), take (name),as my wedded partner, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

These are just Standard Wedding Vows..This is the PROMISE as a spouse that you make to one another when you join into one!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How long has your depression been going on?


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

my estrange husband would get angry if i cried (my crying was to do with what he'd said or done) i didn't do it in front of him very often, because he would get real nasty or laugh at me, or threaten to leave, normally he could do all three.

never before had i had to hide my emotions, normal people can talk to loved ones discuss concerns or something they feel unfair, i like straight talking and what i say is what i mean.

I learnt i could never question him or show any emotions.

narcissistic people often don't have empathy, it is not at all normal for some one to be angry because you are crying.

I can tell you i was depressed, not treated as never suffered from depression, confused and suffering emotional numbing, before this was the emotional torture, i wanted to harm myself or better still be dead, i would have done anything to make it stop, i lost all boundaries.

If someone really loves you they will be positive around you and learn ways of being helpful, compassion is it not free, ask yourself how would you treat someone in the same position, would you not comfort them?


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## rightbraingirl (Aug 19, 2012)

The depression came about 2 years ago when I stopped working outside the home. I was used to going into an office every day for 25 years, a very social environment. 

I started working with my husband. He was at our store & I was home on the computer most of the time. Between the lack of co-workers, lack of appreciation from my husband, and the lack of time off to enjoy life...I just sunk into depression. 

I think my husband always thought I was just being a spoiled whiner, feeling sorry for myself for no reason.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Not everyone will respond well to the changes that you have made. Some people truly need pills to function and they should not be made to feel weak or inadequate because of that. Unfortunately, there is a horrible stigma with mental illness in our society.


Totally agree! That is why I recommended her working with her Dr. on it. Will it work for her? Who knows, I was just sharing my experience.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I believe depression can be a clinical issue, however, I also believe people can suffer from depression by being around the wrong people. Usually negative, unemotional, non-suporrtive people can make anyone feel depressed. 

It seems your husband has actually helped to create some of, or at least made worse some of the depression you already had. Maybe you need a break from him. Distance yourself, go on vacation without him etc, see how you feel then. I will say if he is a contributing factor to why you feel the way you do, and he isn't willing to change or seek therapy, then you may have a choice to make. Some happiness for yourself or living with someone who helps keep you where you are with your feelings.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Has your husband always acted like this towards you, or just when you all started working together and he noticed you being depressed?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

rightbraingirl said:


> He's been told by psychiatrists he should try to help me but he won't and his anger makes it much worse.


He is aware of what he needs to do to try and help and be supportive, but he is purposely choosing not to! This should speak volumes to you, and something you might want to think about.

Its almost like a control thing. He knows what he could do or try to help the situation but doesn't, then complains because you're depressed and cry. If the marriage in important to him and worth saving, ask him to seek therapy with you. So you both can learn coping skills when you get depressed and when he gets angry etc. If he chooses not, I think you have your answer on where in stands with the marriage.


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## LFin (Aug 18, 2012)

I went through the same thing when my husband and I first got married. No one in his family has had depression and he has never been exposed to it whereas my family is full of nuts! Haha. He always thought depression was an excuse for lazy people. He even said people who commit suicide are selfish and dramatic. He never really understood until he saw me off my medication. I stopped taking it when I got pregnant. He saw what a different person I was. We had a talk about how I felt during my episodes and what he could do to help. Now when I start to feel bad, he makes me get up and we go for a walk, go out somewhere fun, or sometimes just cry it out. You know what works for you best in those situations. Explain that to him so he feels like he does have a role in it. It helped with us!


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## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Not making any excuses for him but it is very hard to live with some one who suffers from depression. I have been guilty of the behavior that your husband is displaying. You try to be supportive but feel it's useless because nothing changes and after a while you are spent and feel a bit of resentment. It starts to feel one sided . Again, not saying it's right..it just might be how he is feeling.


I agree, and hopefully can elaborate. As I am that "uncaring spouse" that is about to lose the woman of his dreams. Without professional help for BOTH, you could end up in a horrible cycle that will just make things worse. My wife has always struggled with depression and anger issues. Some of it i do believe is in the DNA and some of it having to do with issues long prior to me that were never addressed. I am not by any means downplaying my wife's depression, or yours, but adding to joe kidd, the other perspective is not always as easy as "being supportive". There are many times that the spouse feels as if we are being as supportive as we possibly can. We do anything and everything to comfort and try to guide our spouses thru the bouts. Because we are not professionals, it may initially help ease some of the depression, but never addresses the causes of the depression. Therefore it never goes away. Sometimes it gets worse. The spouse then begins to have feelings of inadequacy, failure, frustration, and even resentment. - if i were a better husband, i could fix this, because of the depression, i am always there for her, but she cannot be there for me in return. This can, and in my case DID, cause the spouse to struggle with depression as well. this causes the cycle to get worse and worse. 

I dont say this to make it sound as if 'it gets worse from here' is your only option. * if you are still together, it is not too late.* I will tell you that you two will probably not be able to do it on your own. He may not know how to help you thru these times.





barbiegirl said:


> 100 percent Spouse are suppose to be there for you EVERYSTEP of the way..!
> 
> I,(name), take (name),as my wedded partner, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.
> 
> These are just Standard Wedding Vows..This is the PROMISE as a spouse that you make to one another when you join into one!


Great in theory... In my eyes, i have been there for her every step of the way. I fully agree with better/worse, sickness/health, till death do us part. The support that I was giving her, is not the support she needed. Being depressed, she could not clearly know what it was she needed for healing, and I did anything and everything i could think of. She is the one that is unsure if she wants things to work out anymore. because of her depression and unaddressed issues, and my ignorance to the fact that I really couldnt fix everything, we ended up fighting a losing battle. It was not until recently, reading, seeking professional help, reflecting over the years, that i realized that everything that i thought i was doing to help her was wrong. I did it all with the best intentions, I love this woman. I made her situation worse, it allowed me to mask many of my own issues, and destroyed who we were as individuals. 

I assure you, we did not get to this point due to lack of caring, lack of compassion, lack of effort, lack of support, or lack of love.



cloudwithleggs said:


> my estrange husband would get angry if i cried (my crying was to do with what he'd said or done) i didn't do it in front of him very often, because he would get real nasty or laugh at me, or threaten to leave, normally he could do all three.
> 
> never before had i had to hide my emotions, normal people can talk to loved ones discuss concerns or something they feel unfair, i like straight talking and what i say is what i mean.
> 
> ...


I will tell you that it is not always possible to be positive around someone who is depressed. you can try, but most of the time, if the depression lasts any lenght of time, or is reoccurring, it is not always possible to show a positive side.

That being said, I am sorry for what you went thru. not all situations are the same. I have never, and would never laugh at my wife if she were crying - for ANY reason. 

There are plenty of guys out there (like me) that try, but somehow always manage to just ef it up. there are also plenty of straight up A$$ holes.


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## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

Rightbrainedgirl - Find out where your husband is on this... it may be that his lack of compassion really is his own frustration and feelings of inadequacy for not knowing how to help you. If this is the case, then he should be willing to go to counseling, or something to teach him how to cope, and more importantly to better understand you and what you are experiencing. He may find, as I did, that he has just as many issues to work thru, and is possibly depressed himself. 

If he is not willing to assist, you should still continue to find help for yourself. I do wish you the best.


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## rightbraingirl (Aug 19, 2012)

Wow, you all are great. Every response I read makes perfect sense until I read the next one, then that one does. I think it may be a compilation of several reasons and answers. 

He & I have had problems since day one, on and off. But my depression really sank in once I started staying at home, more isolated.

And I can see that depression can depend on whether or not you're around the wrong people. He may not be a good person to have in my life. I know that the doctor did not list him as a "support" person for me.

I do think he doesn't always know what to say or do. I believe if he were sure it would always get a positive result, he would always say the right thing. But I also think he gets frustrated and resentful because, after all, he's got problems too. Yes, possibly depressed too. And it can seem one-sided & just plain exhausting. It is so interesting to read the difference between the men's and women's responses. 

Thank you all so much. I am keeping this to read back on when I need to.


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