# How do I handle my husbands lack of control with money?



## Gigi1437 (Oct 13, 2018)

Hello everyone I am searching for some financial advice for my marriage. Just to introduce myself I have been married for 14 years and aside from these financial difficulties he is an amazing husband in every other way. However our arguments always seem to be about where our money is being spent. I do make double what he makes if not more at times but I have never viewed it that way. For 14 years of marriage we have always shared a checking and savings account and both of our salaries get directly deposited into that checking‘s. We pay all of our bills out of that and our vacation money and spending money comes out of that big pot as well. I have never looked at it as my money and his money. However for years I have been struggling with his loose spending Habits. We have generally both been very similar in our spending habits and I guess that’s why it never became a huge problem until now.

But lately I am really trying to change in my ways, be able to save more, watch where I am spending unresponsibly. I am interested in moving up financially I am interested in buying a new home which means more money and so these things have made me start looking at my finances a little bit more carefully. So given all of this we have been fighting a lot more lately.

So what he does is takes out at least $100 a week out of our joint checking account to go and gamble which of course he loses most of it. I don’t honestly think he has a big gambling addiction I just think it’s a hobby he likes to do and that he does win some extra cash from time to time. However I have told him now repeatedly that I want him to stop doing that because $100 a week adds up every month and it’s $400 a month that could be going to something else and not just throwing it away. When we fight about this he continues to tell me it won’t happen again, the behavior then stops for a while, and then it just repeats again. I have now reached my ultimatum with him and told him that I would have to get separate checking account because I can no longer trust him with our finances. However it makes me very sad to have to do this because I feel like I am just basically treating him like a child. His other suggestion was to keep things as they were and just take his debit card away. But really? Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this. Thank you


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Gigi1437 said:


> So what he does is takes out at least $100 a week out of our joint checking account to go and gamble which of course he loses most of it.


Of course. Any person with even a modicum of knowledge about money recognizes that gambling is, on the average, a losing proposition. If people didn't, on the average, lose, then gambling casinos would not exist.

I agree that it may not be an addiction.....however, it is not wise decision-making, and IMO, this amount of indulgence is in the realm of selfish irresponsibility.



Gigi1437 said:


> I have now reached my ultimatum with him and told him that I would have to get separate checking account because I can no longer trust him with our finances. However it makes me very sad to have to do this because I feel like I am just basically treating him like a child.


No, you are treating him NOW like a child. A spoiled brat.....one can never trust a spoiled child with this kind of a sense of entitlement.

You have a RIGHT to control YOUR OWN finances. There IS a "your money" and a "my money". This deal about "joint" and "marriage" and all that is horse feathers..... no one comes to an altar saying "I do" to a requirement that "I will support you in frivolity".

Marriage serves only the purposes of intimacy and companionship. Marriages get trouble when the people try to add purposes to it, or to take away purposes from it.

My advice is this. Get your own bank accounts in your own name. Add your husband's name as a beneficiary, if you wish. Keep ALL of your own money. ALWAYS. FOREVER. 

Support only yourself and your children. Make it his responsibility to support himself and his children.

You make double what he does. FACT. Look at it that way, from now on.



Gigi1437 said:


> for years I have been struggling with his loose spending Habits.


Unless you change the way you handle YOUR OWN money, you will be struggling for years to come.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Gigi welcome to TAM. I think we need some context so does $100 a month equal 25% of his income or 10% or 1%? It is strictly a waste of money and u should never gamble more than u can afford to lose but dinner for 2 each week could be more than $100 a month. Does he blow money elsewhere? How long does it take him to lose the $100? If he's good enough to gamble for 10 hours and only lose the 100 is a little different than if it takes him 10 mins. You could set up 3 accounts urs his and joint. Each of you would place a percent of ur income into the joint to cover the bills then urs is urs and his is his but this wouldnt help ur future financial plans. I find the continued promises to never do it again more problematic than spending $25 a week on entertainment. Good luck


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blaine said:


> I think we need some context so does $100 a month equal 25% of his income or 10% or 1%?


The OP stated the figure at $ 100 per week. $ 430 per month.... but, you're right, she didn't set the context.... I may be reacting to the percentage that would be out of my own income, which would be pretty appreciable  I haven't spent 
$ 430 in my entire life on gambling  ...... I'm questioning myself to see if it may have totaled $ 100


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

The problem here is that this implied that it's your money and that since you decided to save a little more, he needs to go along. You have said he does not have a problem and assuming this to be true, then discuss a budget and reduction. Ask him if you could both agree on 250 a month. If he wins great, but for budgeting, we'll figure on a 250 shortfall which is fine for both of you.


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