# 20 Days Away from Wedding/PreMarital Issues



## LaMadHatter230 (May 3, 2017)

My fiancé and I have lived together for the past 3 years now and I have had this issue that brings upon heaps of stress (on top of the normal anxiety induced stress I already have), just wondering if any of you ladies have a solution or if not a solution maybe a way to help me not stress out so much over this situation. 

I work a 9-5 job that is an hour away from home and my fiancé "works" not even 5 minutes away from our home. He does not go to bed until at least 3AM and never wakes up before noon. His job does not really require anything of him as he works for his family and takes "care" of a member. On top of this he is constantly having friends over to play video games, drink or just hang out. I'm not talking on the weekends I'm talking EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT! Nights when I have to be up before 6AM, they are drunk singing loudly and being obnoxious with no respect to the fact that I have to work. 

But to put some icing on that delicious cake, they trash the house and never help clean up-including my fiancé. I spend time cleaning before I go to bed only to find it a mess when I wake up. Then I frantically clean (because who doesn't like a clean home?) before work then come home to another mess. Seeing as he is home throughout the day more than I am, I feel as though he should be able to take some time to pick up after himself and lessen the load of household chores I have to do when I get back from work. 

I can't keep up. Expressing my feelings toward this situation does no good, fighting does no good, ignoring the situation and leaving it a mess just leads to a very dirty and unsanitary home. 

Please help ladies! Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just to help get a more complete picture of things, I have some questions.

How old are the two of you?

How long did you date before the two of you moved in together?

What percentage of your joint income do you make?

What percentage of your bills do you pay out of your money? 

Who handles the finances in your household? Do you have joint accounts or separate accounts?

Do either of you own the home you live in, or do you rent?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your fiancé has no respect for you. Why do you put up with being threated like this?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yeah, I want to reply, but I need to know the answers to the same questions @EleGirl asked.

He sounds massively immature, and since talking to him about it and waiting for him to do it doesn't work, you probably need to be able to accept that this is the way it is, and you are going to have to do it. Is that ok with you for the rest of your life? If it bugs you now, how will you feel a decade from now and a few kids added to the mix? I would be very concerned that this is a forgleam of a very selfish, spoiled child-man, who is about to be your husband.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Do NOT marry him.

This will get worse, not better, after marriage. If he is so immature and has so little respect for you now, while he's supposed to be impressing you so you'll marry him, once you are married he will really feel comfortable/entitled doing whatever her pleases.

Also, how much money does he make and what are his career prospects if his job is family paying him to take care of someone?

In your case, you're lucky to live with him and see this side of him prior to marriage. But if you break up with him (and I think you should) think twice before living with a man again. I lived with my husband before marriage and in hindsight, I would NEVER do that again. The problem is that it makes breaking up almost as hard as if you were married, and while you are living with a man, he gets all the benefits of regular sex and female companionship without any of the responsibility that comes with commitment. You're stuck in limbo -
it's not like you can take a break and/or date other people to see if there is a better fit for you.





LaMadHatter230 said:


> My fiancé and I have lived together for the past 3 years now and I have had this issue that brings upon heaps of stress (on top of the normal anxiety induced stress I already have), just wondering if any of you ladies have a solution or if not a solution maybe a way to help me not stress out so much over this situation.
> 
> I work a 9-5 job that is an hour away from home and my fiancé "works" not even 5 minutes away from our home. He does not go to bed until at least 3AM and never wakes up before noon. His job does not really require anything of him as he works for his family and takes "care" of a member. On top of this he is constantly having friends over to play video games, drink or just hang out. I'm not talking on the weekends I'm talking EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT! Nights when I have to be up before 6AM, they are drunk singing loudly and being obnoxious with no respect to the fact that I have to work.
> 
> ...


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Ok Ms. @LaMadHatter230, take this for what it's worth as the first man to post on your thread. Do NOT marry this guy. You will regret it.

Marriage involves two things: 1) Feelings, intimacy...a connection, and 2) A business contract.

If you were looking to make a business contract with someone as a life-long partner, would you accept the conditions that you're facing as part of the deal? I think not. He's not ready and you shouldn't see him that way.

Unfortunately, I have my own shat to deal with right now after 33 years with the same person, so I don't think I'm qualified to comment on most problems I see on TAM. But this one? You are headed for disaster with such an immature and self-serving man. You're betting that you can change him and make him adult? Good luck with that my young friend. Yes, I'm betting you're young.

Marriage is a partnership. One in every way possible. If he's not your partner, then you need to re-evaluate the most important decision that you will make in your life.

That's right. Choosing your life partner IS, without question, the most important decision you will make. No one else can bring the kind of joy that the right decision will bring, or visit the type of enduring misery upon your life that a poor choice will bring. Believe me, I know.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Don't. Marry. Him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LaMadHatter230 said:


> My fiancé and I have lived together for the past 3 years now and I have had this issue that brings upon heaps of stress (on top of the normal anxiety induced stress I already have), just wondering if any of you ladies have a solution or if not a solution maybe a way to help me not stress out so much over this situation.
> 
> I work a 9-5 job that is an hour away from home and my fiancé "works" not even 5 minutes away from our home. He does not go to bed until at least 3AM and never wakes up before noon. His job does not really require anything of him as he works for his family and takes "care" of a member. On top of this he is constantly having friends over to play video games, drink or just hang out. I'm not talking on the weekends I'm talking EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT! Nights when I have to be up before 6AM, they are drunk singing loudly and being obnoxious with no respect to the fact that I have to work.
> 
> ...


Why are you marrying him????Why are you still living with him? Cancel the wedding and give him an ultimatum, get a proper full time job, do 50% of the household chores and stop having his friends round. If he refuses then you know what to do. To be honest he is a lazy immature man who is treating you very disrespectfully.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Seriously, just go! 

You're not with a 'man', you're with a boy. Kick him to the kurb, and move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LaMadHatter230 said:


> I work a 9-5 job that is an hour away from home and my fiancé "works" not even 5 minutes away from our home. He does not go to bed until at least 3AM and never wakes up before noon. His job does not really require anything of him as he works for his family and takes "care" of a member. On top of this he is constantly having friends over to play video games, drink or just hang out. I'm not talking on the weekends I'm talking EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT! Nights when I have to be up before 6AM, they are drunk singing loudly and being obnoxious with no respect to the fact that I have to work.


So, let me get this straight.

You're living with a 17 year old teenage boy who has *zero* ambition to make anything of himself, gets 'paid' to tend to a sick relative and thinks it's a 'job,' has his playmates over every day to play their video games and trash the house, gets drunk every night and sleeps til 3 pm the next day, and lets his 'mommy' clean up his playroom every single day and needs her to wipe his ass for him too. Good thing mommy has a REAL job because SOMEONE has to support this pitiful excuse for a human being.

I'm assuming he's 17 because that how some typical dumb-ass 17 year old boys ACT.

OP, what the hell ever possessed you to waste your time on this loser to begin with? More so, what the HELL ever possessed you to actually decide to marry this complete waste of skin? He's barely fit to be the damned *ring bearer* in ANY wedding, let alone be a groom.

You'd actually be better off going down to the homeless section of town and picking up some random, passed out wino off the sidewalk, bringing him home, and marrying HIM than you are marrying this worthless imbecile.

My brain is about to explode already and this is only the first post I've read this morning. Oh boy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Yeah, I want to reply, but I need to know the answers to the same questions @EleGirl asked.
> 
> He sounds massively immature, and since talking to him about it and waiting for him to do it doesn't work, you probably need to be able to accept that this is the way it is, and you are going to have to do it. Is that ok with you for the rest of your life? If it bugs you now, how will you feel a decade from now and a few kids added to the mix? I would be very concerned that this is *a forgleam* of a very selfish, spoiled child-man, who is about to be your husband.


Don't leave your dictionary left unattended.

I will make off with it. 

Foregleam, Good word.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

LaMadHatter230 said:


> have a solution or if not a solution maybe a way to help me not stress out so much over this situation.


Avoid years of misery and do this:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Why are you marrying him????Why are you still living with him? Cancel the wedding and give him an ultimatum, get a proper full time job, do 50% of the household chores and stop having his friends round. If he refuses then you know what to do. To be honest he is a lazy immature man who is treating you very disrespectfully.


And if you do this, do not even get engaged to him again until he has been a changed man for at least a year. Why? Because often people will make changes for a few weeks or months. But they cannot maintain it for the long term. So giving him a year to show that he can maintain it for the long term is a very good idea.

Then after he’s gone a year as a changed man, plan a wedding for another year out. That’s how long it will take to find out if he is truly a changed man.

Anything that bothers you before marriage, will become at least 10 times worse after marriage. Do not marry this guy because this is just the tip of the iceberg of how he will treat you with disrespect after the wedding.

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that he and his friends can treat you with great disrespect.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

His priorities are Not similar to yours. You need a more mature man. 

Imagine yourself married already with a child, he's still irresponsible and uncaring to both of your needs, you're tired from working all day and cleaning up and taking care of the children; one is the toddler and two the teenage husband. 

You're exhausted, stressed and deeply unhappy. 

Wouldn't it be nice to have a husband who's responsible and thinks of your needs as well as his own? 

It's been 3 years, he has not changed, nor will he, why would he? Sounds like he's having a great time! He has you cleaning, doing everything and enabling his behaviour. 
He's probably on the road to alcoholism by the sounds of it. The worst is yet to come. 

Now do you still want to go ahead with the wedding?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're 20 days away from a much harder situation to walk away from than you will be if you turn around NOW and don't look back.

There are plenty of other men out there that are more mature and ready for marriage/joint living.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Run like the chill autumn wind.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You have dealt with three years of frustration with this child. Do you truly want to sign up for 60 years of the same?

Breaking off an engagement or backing out of a wedding is difficult, but if your gut is telling you it isn't the future you want get out now! Too many of us TAM members married ignoring our instincts and spent years and years living in misery, then we ended up on TAM. Here you are not even married yet and already a member. What does that tell you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

..


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

You are crazy if you marry this dude right now. Like others have said it will only get worse after marriage. You don't have to completely cancel the wedding but I sure in the heck would be postponing it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@LaMadHatter230

Are you still reading here on TAM. I'm just checking in on you. How are you doing?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Let me respond as a man, tell your fiancee to "Grow the eff up!" A marriage needs BOTH people to be active partners.
Whether that be keeping the house picked up, taking care of kids, or being in the hospital room assisting the other in taking a bath after surgery. You need to know you can depend on each other.

He doesn't respect you, OR he has less common sense than your everyday rock laying on the road.

As was written above. Even if he does change, make him prove it for a while.


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