# Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce



## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi all. 
I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce. 
She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her. 
I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say. 
I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you have an addiction to porn, that's one thing. If you don't have to look at it (how often are you looking at porn??), and you can stop for good, that's another.
Either way, it is your home and she can't kick you out. 
If your wife is that adamant she wants to divorce you, you had better get your own legal counsel before you make any decisions at all.
If you want good advice here, you need to explain what has been going on for the last few years. How your wife has been acting toward you. It sounds like she may have been looking for an excuse to divorce. However, the porn thing is a big deal and needs to be discussed. Sounds like your wife has her mind made up. If she's thinking you are going to "manipulate her into staying", exactly what CAN you do? Anything you say or do would be construed as manipulation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

There's got to be more to this story.

What problems have you had in the marriage prior to this?

What issues do you have with her?

And what issues does she have with you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I personally don't see any problem with porn as long as it doesn't interfere with the sexual energy that should be given to the marriage.

I think your wife is unreasonable. But her lack of reason is what must be dealt with, on an emotional level, not on a logical level. 

To your wife, she feels she has been betrayed because you've looked at other women and become sexually aroused by it. She feels she has become sexually inadequate becUse she cannot compare to those women or to the kind of one sided sex typically shown in porn. This is what you must respond to.

Reassure her that viewing porn does not make you wish your wife was more like those women. That seeing those women is not at all like seeing her, that they cannot hold a candle to how you feel about her. As you explain that men are visual creatures who enjoy watching porn, women also can become aroused by watching porn. Ask her who her favorite male movie star is. Does she sometimes think about him? It is just as unreasonable for you to be jealous of xyz celebrity hot male as it is for her to be jealous of the women seen in porn.

Promise her you will not watch porn unless she is sitting with you and enjoying it too.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

What kind of porn did she find?

Quick, go out now, right now! Get a VAR, if she wants you out this bad she may provide false allegations to throw you out. Record all interactions with her. You are legally entitled to stay in your house in most places, you should be checking with a lawyer about your rights too. Next time she goes crazy screaming at you just walk away, don't engage. 

Also, if I haven't stressed this enough....GET A VAR NOW!!!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Does she have some extreme/fundamentalist views? A little porn is hardly a justification for such an extreme response, unless it is an excuse to dump you for other reasons. It could even be that she's cheating and this is her way to exit and move on easily - but, that's pure speculation. All I do know is that her reaction is way out of proportion to the supposed infraction. You may be better off without her, even though you probably don't feel that way at the moment. Time will tell.

Do protect yourself. Record all interactions, and get yourself a lawyer ASAP.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Tron said:


> There's got to be more to this story.
> 
> What problems have you had in the marriage prior to this?
> 
> ...


B-I-N-G-O!!!!!

OP, the porn was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You mentioned "she's been threatening you with separation for months". What were the issues leading up to the threats?


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

The problems have been around for many years. My wife has always been a capable but controlling woman. She is very hot and I just fell for her and married her after a year. After our honeymoon. She found a lad magazine in my workshop and accused me if getting off on other women. She wanted to call it a day then and we nearly anulled the marriage. She soon took me back when the place I found was sharing with another woman. She has always been very jelous even though I have never given her cause. After 5 years of marriage, 1 daughter and friction between us as she didn't feel wanted as I played guitar in a band, she wanted a separation. I moved out reluctantly and hoped we could work things out. She then decided to date different men, do cocaine and treat me like a servant and baby sitter when she wanted to go out. After loosing 4 stone and suffering the most difficult 9 months, I met a woman and decided to go on a date. My wife was not happy and the day after wanted to reconcile the marriage as I had become trim and more attractive to her. She then wanted to complete our family with a second child. Everything was ok except our sex life was dead. I started watching porn of all kinds on these sites, from latina babes to grandpa with teenagers. ( this is that has sickened her the most). I just went through the menu and looked at everything. She didn't find out and our sexual needs were met as she masturbated too. We had replaced each other by going solo because we were both too tired with two young children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but she doesn't like me havung any hobbies or destractions from the family and this has caused problems as I have always written music. 
The problems with my daughter were that her behaviour was getting out of control. She would shout at me. Run to her mother if I refused to let her have something. The crux came when she was hysterical and I smacked her bum. She was holding a pen next to her side and it stabbed me in the hand. At this point my wife couldn't deal with us both and wanted me out. It blew over. I then pulled my daughters arm one day when she was being rude to me and told her off. She went to her mother and told her I had hit her. Again, I was told to leave. It blew over as I agreed counselling in the home. It worked great and we discovered that my daughtet was being bullied at school. This brought us all closer as a family as we dealt with the problem. Then we went to lapland......
My wife has always been a very sexual woman in her head but never shared it. I found that she too had been looking at photos of naked women online recently but she never told me. She has secrets I eould never know. A few months ago I found that she had been flirting with a family friend on messenger! I think he started it byt she went along with it. When we had seperated before, she would send bikini snaps of herself to other guys to feel wanted. I on the other hand am quite shy and like a quiet life. I have never cheated taken drugs, flirted with other women. I just looked at porn. 
Please ask if I missed anything


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Andy,
Your marriage sounds completely dysfunctional.
It sounds like you messed up in the poem thing, but if your wife actually cared, she could easily straighten things out. 
She must be quite a fox to have bullied you into this all these years. You have a hot wife, but can't have sex with her? 
I don't understand the way your kids deal with you at all. Why is it that your kids don't seem connected to you, or your wife? Are you away on trips a lot? 
Honestly, it sounds like porn is the least of your worries. Looks like you married the wrong person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Andy101, I don't know what you should do here- it's your life and as Tron noted, there is a lot more going on than you have written so far.

However, based on what you have written, I do have some suggestions.

1) What always_hopeful said- GET A VAR NOW and start using it whenever you talk to her. This is the single most important thing you can do to protect yourself, right now.

2) What always_hopeful said- go see a lawyer. Free first visit. Understand your legal options and responsibilities.

3) Stop apologizing. Women loathe weak men who beg and plead. Apologizing over and over again for something is weak behavior and will make your wife loathe you even more. It doesn't convey sincerity. It doesn't impress her that you're "REALLY SORRY." So just stop. In fact, stop apologizing for anything at all.

4) Pay attention to what you wife SAYS.

5) Pay more attention to what your wife DOES. Actions speak louder than words. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt, or explain things away to yourself in the most positive light. Don't engage in wishful thinking. Examine her actions as if she were a stranger. If she were someone else, acting thus, what conclusions would you draw?

For instance, if you two were "so happy together and the next I am facing divorce!" there is a great chance that your wife wasn't actually happy the day before, and you totally missed it. You need to get better, fast.

6) If your wife threatens you with divorce during arguments, you may have screwed up badly long ago and chosen a poor life partner. Or you may have become one yourself over time. But either way, you don't want to be with someone who threatens your happiness constantly. The facts that you are looking at porn and then apologizing for it suggest that your marriage isn't having much physical intimacy, either.

Without knowing a whole lot more, it seems to me like you'll be better off without her. Tell me why you feel that this woman is so awesome.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, damn, Andy. I ended my first response with asking you to tell me why you thought this woman is awesome and you ended up explaining how you married Baba Yaga.

Here's the deal. You are a weak man. If you were Samson, you wife would have your head shaved bare.

Getting a divorce would be the best thing that could happen to you, but if your wife whistled, you'd come running back, because you're weak.

Don't be weak.

I will stand by all my recommendations, and add a couple.

7) The proper response when your wife threatens you with divorce is a profanity-laced tirade with emphasis on what kind of woman sends bikini pictures to other men.

8) Find hobbies. Take music back up, Make some new friends. All of these activities will make you feel more self confident and likeable. (That is to say, they'll make you feel more like a man). 

9) A partner that won't have sex with you is not a suitable partner to be married to. You really should go find a woman who loves you so much that she'll have sex with you, at least occasionally.

None of this is relationship rocket-science. You're over 16. You should know this stuff. Go find happiness somewhere else- you're not going to find it with your current wife.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

this sounds more and more like a train wreck. might be best to separate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> In view of the fact that he views porn quite regularly; him complaining about his wife appearing in a still photograph while wearing a bikini, kinda falls into the "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" category.


I call bs on that. He's not engaging in any behavior with any contact between individuals. He's not getting "emotionally attached "with porn. Just visual stuff. 
If you can't see the difference between texting men pictures, and him looking at a little porn, I'm doubting your advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Well. We are getting somewhere now. The porn thing is really just a small manifestation of all the other issues going on. Focus on the big picture.

You've got a pretty messed up dynamic going with a high maintenance spouse. I won't say just yet that there is nothing to salvage here, but it certainly needs at least a complete reset. If you are willing to set aside all of her past transgressions then that will have to start with you. Perhaps she will come around. 

1st thing, since you guys are not overly religious it would seem that, despite her "hotness", your W is insecure and has low self esteem. The way she copes with this is by seeking male attention outside the M, being jealous, throwing her weight around, pushing and pulling you every which way, and otherwise "controlling" everything in the M...including the sex. 

You are going to have to grow a pair, because by allowing her to do this to you, you are reducing your status in the M, placing her on a pedestal and becoming a much less attractive mate. Get your balls back.

I would start by read the following 2 books:

_No More Mister Nice Guy_, by Robert Glover. Free download at https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

and then move to 

_Married Man Sex Life Primer_, by Athol Kay

They are both a pretty quick read. 

There is a wealth of information in the books that will hopefully explain a lot of the dysfunctional aspects of your marriage. Get going with them and then come back and tell us what you've found out about yourself, your wife and your marriage. 

As a general assessment, I would say these are the things you have going for you:

(1) You have a pretty high sex rank job that gets you lots of female attention

(2) Because of (1) you have other options and she intuitively knows it

(3) You are the father of her kids and that counts for a lot

(4) There are a lot of things that you can do to change the dynamic

Where is Conrad when you need him. 

A couple of other threads you might read when you have some time:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/68411-submitting-truth.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/155305-weeds-codependence.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/74433-one-transaction-time.html


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> Wow, so looking at film of people sucking and fcking in God knows how many positions and conditions. Filmed prostitution, when they are paid. Extreme sexual exhibitionism and voyeurism when they aren't.
> 
> That's not as bad as a woman posing in a bikini, in a still photograph. No sexual activity. No nudity.
> 
> ...


You are incorrect, I don't watch porn. I have before. Very seldom and have stopped it. She wasn't posting a picture, I'll bet. She was on c0caine and even though I've never done that before, I've heard it makes you want sex. I got the impression she was sending bikini pics to individuals.

The guy hasn't had any sex from his wife and watched some porn. You're equating that with doing cocaine and sending out bikini pics? Yes, we will have to disagree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Btw, I got the idea that he just happened in the gramps-teen crap. Not specifically liking that stuff. It's all bad; bad is bad. We agree on that.
I didn't get the idea he was a pirn user their entire marriage and agree wholeheartedly it's wrong. You say she was looking for affirmation from other men. To me, communication with other men of that type is far worse than watching porn. But yes, it appears out thinking is different on that.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i suggest a period of legal separation, no dating or sowing wild oats, mutual and coincidental counseling, and
see if they can work this thing out from a distance before they cut each other's throat.

almost every marriage is worth a try at salvaging.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

intheory said:


> Wow, so looking at film of people sucking and fcking in God knows how many positions and conditions. Filmed prostitution, when they are paid. Extreme sexual exhibitionism and voyeurism when they aren't.
> 
> That's not as bad as a woman posing in a bikini, in a still photograph. No sexual activity. No nudity.
> 
> ...


Viewing a porn of someone you will never meet versus sending a bikini pic to some guy you know in order to get validation. Which one is more likely to lead to an EA or a PA?

There are a multitude of stories here that suggest that the bikini pic is much more likely to lead to an inappropriate relationship. Guys don't enter EAs with porn stars. 

Objectively you can say that porn is disgusting if that's how you feel, but to say that it's more dangerous than sending bikini pics flies in the face of logic. The guy you send the pic to will eff you tomorrow. The girl in the porno will tell you to drop dead.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Porn versus actively engaging with a real other man. Hmmmmmm

Maybe she has someone on the side and is looking for an excuse.

If I were you I'd check the phone bill.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Why are you still in this marriage my friend ?

You wife told you times and times that she wants Divorce.

She was going out on dates with other men,sleeping with them while you stayed at home and watch the kids.

She was also cheating with a family friend. Sending him nude photos. I hope you get rid of this "friend"

Now she is back to her old story about wanting to Divorce.

Do you know why your kids shout at you ??? Because they saw their mommy is doing the same thing,so they thought it was ok to do the same thing.


Talk with your lawyer and divorce her. I can bet you can find another wife who will respect you and love you.

About your porn "addiction". Get yourself a help. I know having no sex with your wife is a triger for you to watch this porn,but belive me it is going to destroy you.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

So how am I to move forward and try and work things out with her? I will try and see if I can get some advice/help through a doctor regarding the porn. I don't know if I am addicted or not. I liked looking at it and was curious about the gramps thing but not my bag. I have asked her for a few days cooling off period as there is no way of talking.
I don't think we have ever communicated very well about intimacy. We initially had words about who would initiate sex but ee never talk about it. 
I have become very weak. My self esteem is down, my job doesn't pay too well and then my daughters don't seem that bothered about me and stick to their mother. I play with them and look after them but I feel like an outsider in my own family. This porn issue is the icing in the cake but it does highlight a major flaw in the marriage. I am i turmoil here. I will have to approach her soon but how when she just sees a pervert monster?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Maybe but I'd still check the phone bill. 

There was another thread on here somewhere about the same thing. Wife separated and come to find out she was in an affair and used that as an excuse to out the husband.

It just seems very odd to me.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> Hi all.
> I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce.
> She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her.
> I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say.
> I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.


It's not wrong of you if the porn was legal and not available to minors (or family/employers/customers/employees)


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

intheory said:


> Women are allowed to be hurt/upset/disgusted when their husband looks at porn.
> 
> Imagine how you'd feel if you found images on your wife's phone of porn of the most beautiful, physically desirable men; that you knew you couldn't hold a candle to. And you found lots of them, and they had abilities in bed that you knew you didn't have. And you knew your wife was inevitably comparing you (unfavorably) to them? Really try to imagine it.
> 
> ...


They do that when they mindless pour over the drama crap on tv or in books or other celebrity. Just because its a visual image doesn't make a different, neither does them "being famous or rock star or "great humanitarian" excuse it either.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Maybe but I'd still check the phone bill.
> 
> There was another thread on here somewhere about the same thing. Wife separated and come to find out she was in an affair and used that as an excuse to out the husband.
> 
> It just seems very odd to me.


Was there any illegal porn that you were viewing?
Also, if the 2 of you somehow stay together.
Learn how to use the incognito mode.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

There was no illegal porn. It was always a regular free site. She looks at me like she wants to kill me at the moment. I told her to wait a few days to cool off before talking but I'm not sure what to say to her save our marriage. We both adore our kids and our home.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> There was no illegal porn. It was always a regular free site. She looks at me like she wants to kill me at the moment. I told her to wait a few days to cool off before talking but I'm not sure what to say to her save our marriage. We both adore our kids and our home.


 from what you have posted,
to get her back all you have to do is move on.

You know this already.
Also the vast majority of parents adore their kids.
How much longer can you keep going thru this is the bigger question.

Odds are high that once you show any signs of detaching, she will be right back and the cycle will repeat.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

She called me today to tell me that I have two choices. Legal separation or divorce. She thinks that I am a porn addict and she is sick of giving me second chances. She said that it has psychologically affected the children? And that our marriage has suffered..that one I agree with so I will suggest therapy fir both of us but by the tone in her voice she is getting really nasty now. The other problem is that she wants me out of the house but I have no money left after the holiday. We had 6 holidays this year including Disneyland Paris. How am I supposed to rent a place? I'm scared now. I risk loosing everything but am willing to sort any issues we have but I can't get through to her now. Will this anger cool down? She comes from a broken marriage herself and never wanted to put her own kids through what she suffered, yet she's doing it herself. Her mother has two failed marriages and numerous failed relationships and is lonely and miserable for being to impulsive in leaving her husband. Maybe detaching will bring her back. She doesn't realise what divorce will do to all of us.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> The problems have been around for many years. My wife has always been a capable but controlling woman. She is very hot and I just fell for her and married her after a year. After our honeymoon. She found a lad magazine in my workshop and accused me if getting off on other women. She wanted to call it a day then and we nearly anulled the marriage. She soon took me back when the place I found was sharing with another woman. She has always been very jelous even though I have never given her cause. After 5 years of marriage, 1 daughter and friction between us as she didn't feel wanted as I played guitar in a band, she wanted a separation. I moved out reluctantly and hoped we could work things out. She then decided to date different men, do cocaine and treat me like a servant and baby sitter when she wanted to go out. After loosing 4 stone and suffering the most difficult 9 months, I met a woman and decided to go on a date. My wife was not happy and the day after wanted to reconcile the marriage as I had become trim and more attractive to her. She then wanted to complete our family with a second child. Everything was ok except our sex life was dead. I started watching porn of all kinds on these sites, from latina babes to grandpa with teenagers. ( this is that has sickened her the most). I just went through the menu and looked at everything. She didn't find out and our sexual needs were met as she masturbated too. We had replaced each other by going solo because we were both too tired with two young children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but she doesn't like me havung any hobbies or destractions from the family and this has caused problems as I have always written music.
> The problems with my daughter were that her behaviour was getting out of control. She would shout at me. Run to her mother if I refused to let her have something. The crux came when she was hysterical and I smacked her bum. She was holding a pen next to her side and it stabbed me in the hand. At this point my wife couldn't deal with us both and wanted me out. It blew over. I then pulled my daughters arm one day when she was being rude to me and told her off. She went to her mother and told her I had hit her. Again, I was told to leave. It blew over as I agreed counselling in the home. It worked great and we discovered that my daughtet was being bullied at school. This brought us all closer as a family as we dealt with the problem. Then we went to lapland......
> My wife has always been a very sexual woman in her head but never shared it. I found that she too had been looking at photos of naked women online recently but she never told me. She has secrets I eould never know. A few months ago I found that she had been flirting with a family friend on messenger! I think he started it byt she went along with it. When we had seperated before, she would send bikini snaps of herself to other guys to feel wanted. I on the other hand am quite shy and like a quiet life. I have never cheated taken drugs, flirted with other women. I just looked at porn.
> Please ask if I missed anything


She's a hypocrit. You need to give her a comparison of the two sides.

Move back in and tell her she can move out. The big problem is you don't seem to be able to take up for yourself. It's pretty evident neither of you is perfect. 

Why do you let her control everything?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Andy, your marriage seems a little similar to mine. But my wife is an ugly mean b**ch that I wouldn't touch with a 10' stick! 

Porn definitely is a problem. I became addicted to it at a young age, 15 or so, and it greatly affected the way I viewed the women I had relationships with. I realized this stopped viewing it. But after being in a sexless marriage, I started it up again and was viewing it almost weekly. I haven't looked at porn in over a year now and I'm finally at a breaking point. I'm now at the acceptance phase. I need to make changes that make ME happy. It sucks when it involves small children, I have a 3 and 5 y/o. But in the end, it's best for everyone. 

In the mean time, I'm working out, eating healthy, drinking water, ditched soda and fast food. I am even going to see a Doctor for a physical/blood work, which I have never done and I'm 34. I have never been to a MD before. I'm pretty sure I have low testosterone, could explain a few things about me.

Having limited finances is a scary thing. I totally understand. You just need to find a way to get by for the next 12 months and you'll be fine. A separation is probably best. See if you both can become better people while apart. This means reading, going to IC, and taking care of yourselves. Sure there will be stress with the logistics of your kids, but you can overcome it.

Definitely read the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book. It's an eye opener and will change the way you think about yourself and how you deal with situations.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So when are you moving back in your house? Or are you really wanting to do the obviously wrong thing?

Your wife rules you with an iron fist. Have you considered trying to man up and just take control of your life for a while and tell her to do whatever she wants?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

I would say the damage has already been done to your daughter. Divorce seems healthier at this point. Your daughter has learned from her mother how to be highly reactive and controlling in a relationship. She is openly disrespecting you and using her mom to punish you and IT WORKS. You are teaching her that a man is supposed to let his wife and daughter treat him that way. She's already on track to having diastrous relationships herself. Divorce initiated by you could actually help your daughter see that her mothers behavior is not acceptable. But it sounds like your wife has good control on your daughter and teaching her how to be as dysfunctional as she is. Have you considered what your daughter is learning by you two staying in a dysfunctional marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> Hi all.
> I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce.
> She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her.
> I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say.
> I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.


Your thread title is misleading Andy. Her finding porn on your phone is just the most recent trigger that's tipped her over the edge. Clearly she hasn't been happy with the marriage if she was threatening divorce previously and now again. I've read a lot of threads and I don't remember any happy wives having such a quick divorce trigger. What did she even mean by 'you don't relate to your daughter'? And it seems very uncommon for a wife to find porn once and instantly go into divorce mode unless she's already most of the way there. But then the type of porn you were looking at might be more important than porn in general. 

At this point, I think you just have to avoid getting bulldozered because it seems like she's looking for reasons to run you off. I think you're leaving a lot out of the story because this doesn't make much sense.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

The triggers have been there for years. She found me looking at porn after our honeymoon and various other times. It affected my wanting to have sex with her as I relived myself instead of focusing on her. It affected my moods and became a daily habit. Ok my wife has her own issues with her body image which made her have breast implants but although she appears to be a very sexual woman she shiwed little interest in being intimate. 
We separated five years ago as she couldn't live with my negativity and her feeling like I took her for granted and didn't put her first. After many changes we reconciled but it was short lived after our second child was born. She hated my hobbies and wanted me to just do house and family based stuff as I didn't need the distractions. We both built up resentment towards each other. Then the problems with our daughter started when I couldn't deal with her answerinig back, not doing anything I asked of her and telling on me to her mum if I had told her off. My daughter became scared of me because I would shout at her. I felt alone amongst three women with no support. All of these issues have created this situation over time. She is aware that I have seen a doctor today and have been reffered to counselling and treatment for the addiction. I will speak to our priest as he is the wisest guy I know
I still live in the house as it's only been three days since she wanted out. She has been to see lawyer tiday so I should expect a letter soon. I will take each day as a chance to change and improve myself and hope she finally sees the man she once loved.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You started porn shortly after honeymoon? Why?

You say she has not wanted intimacy... If she's seeing you look at porn and relieving yourself--- no wonder she isn't wanting intimacy.

You are taking good steps, but yes, you have screwed up. Your daughter does to respect you, your wife doesn't either. You r got some work ahead of you. 

None of us are perfect. Good luck making changes and hopefully you will have success in all areas. Try not to beg for reassurance from your wife, or chase her. Just make positive changes and hope she notices on her own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

It does sound like porn is a serious issue for you. Its effects in an addict go far beyond just not being sexually available, it can destroy your ability to bond with others, including your children. There are a number of groups that can help you recover. I attend Celebrate Recovery, a Christian 12 step program. There are others if that's not something you are ok with. 

None of this excuses your wife's behavior. She really does seem to call all the shots. But her "power" is mostly rooted in your own victim thinking. Clean up your act, and you won't be ceding the moral high ground to her. You are two messed up people. You can get better together, or better apart. For now, the game plan is the same. 

Consider this: _you don't have to do what she wants. She wants you to move out? Sorry, she can move out. _Be sure to keep a VAR handy in case she tries to frame you for DV.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Andy, Get the treatment you need and read the books I mentioned. They are an easy read.

Don't move out of your home as it could affect you in any future legal proceedings. 

Talk to a lawyer and get a plan together. You are going to need to protect yourself and get your ducks in a row. Your W does not seem to be one who will be easy to work with on the D.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

My wife was calmer last night. We talked for the first time in days. She asked me what I wanted to do, divorce or seperate. She has had legal advice and I do not have much of a defence here. I have a porn addiction which is unreasonable behaviour in it's self. I cannot afford to move out right now so I will stay at the house. She feels that the porn has been at the heart of our problems for years and is glad that I am getting help for the problem but is not interested in working things out right now and says she doesn't want me to hold any hope for a future together. She spoke about all my negatives never mentioning anything good and how she will never trust a man gain so not worry me of anybody else being around. I said that I may have to move away as I will need a better paid job now she was a bit surprised but said its probably for the best. 

I am so calm right now, why have I not broken down? Can I turn this around?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She was threatening separation months before she found whatever was on your phone, so the porn isn't the real issue. Not sure why she wants out but she's looking for an excuse to do so but she wants you comfortably in the bad guy seat. People have to justify whatever they do. She wants to leave (maybe with the idea that she'll replace you with someone she's already picked out. To do that, she has to find some convincing moral justification for leaving you.) A man not being able to "relate" to a 7 year old or one watching a little porn hardly seems like the level of justification your average committed wife would need to leave a marriage, so we can assume she's more committed to leaving than she is in staying. One would have to wonder what her real motivation for leaving might be.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Andy i agree with everyone else here, you may have a problem but i think the porn is a red herring, there is something else or more to the point someone else...i think she is playing you...definitely don't move out...turn on 180, and concentrate on becoming a detective. also move to another room....if she then push for divorce, tell her to file but even then you don't have to leave home while your name is on the place as well.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend your looking for porn is not the biggest problem in your marriage.

You biggest problem is your cheating wife. Just go back and read your posts. She is talking AGAIN about separation and divorce. 

This is another excuse to have an Affair and you ALLOWED this time and time again. This is not the first time and she already cheated on you. You caught her but what about other times ?

Why would you move out of your house. Let her move out if she wants.

Talk with your lawyer and see your rights about custody,house and money. You dont want to be a bad guy who allows his wife to date other people.


Happy New Year.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Andy,

I agree with the others. This latest porn thing is not the cause of her actions, or at least not by itself.

there seems to be a little double standard going on here, in that she was sending provocative pictures of herself to other men, and who knows what else she has done, and she get to the point she is so quick. not quite a normal response unless there are other things going on.

i think someone suggested the VAR in the car. You may be just scratching the tip of the iceberg here about what is really going on.

if your wife owns any sex toys, do you really think she is fantasizing about you every time she uses them??? if the porn is not stopping you from performing, unless she is an "angel" she is way out of line just becuase of your phone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Notice the two options she claims are your only ones...legal separation or divorce. Both get you out of the house and presumably lets a portion of your income stay with her. The options don't involve counseling, shrinks, marriage retreats, sharing passwords, just you gone and your money left behind. A suspicious mind might wonder who the other guy is that's making your presence inconvenient.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Andy101 said:


> My wife was calmer last night. We talked for the first time in days. She asked me what I wanted to do, divorce or seperate. She has had legal advice and I do not have much of a defence here. I have a porn addiction which is unreasonable behaviour in it's self. I cannot afford to move out right now so I will stay at the house. She feels that the porn has been at the heart of our problems for years and is glad that I am getting help for the problem but is not interested in working things out right now and says she doesn't want me to hold any hope for a future together. She spoke about all my negatives never mentioning anything good and how she will never trust a man gain so not worry me of anybody else being around. I said that I may have to move away as I will need a better paid job now she was a bit surprised but said its probably for the best.
> 
> I am so calm right now, why have I not broken down? Can I turn this around?


She has nothing but negative to say AND she will never TRUST another man again so "you don't have to worry about anyone else".

Yes, this quite strikes me funny. Like she is trying to head you off away from any efforts on your part to look for evidence of other men. No trust? Sounds like you're dealing with someone untrustworthy.
It's not like she has t known about porn your entire marriage. You've been messing up with the porn. She has been messing up as well. Possibly with other men. I agree, a VAR. Protect yourself. Get help for your addiction. Starting a new hobby to get your mind off things night help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I will never ever trust another man so you can put that thought out of your mind...especially any thoughts you might have about the one I'm seeing right now.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

intheory said:


> Women are allowed to be hurt/upset/disgusted when their husband looks at porn.
> 
> Imagine how you'd feel if you found images on your wife's phone of porn of the most beautiful, physically desirable men; that you knew you couldn't hold a candle to. And you found lots of them, and they had abilities in bed that you knew you didn't have. And you knew your wife was inevitably comparing you (unfavorably) to them? Really try to imagine it.
> 
> ...


This is the empathy level of a 7 year old. If a man came to me upset and about to divorce his wife because he found such images on his wife's phone, I would think he was an idiot. If he had such images on his own phone (the equivalent in this case), I would tell him she was better of without him.

People react differently to different things. There is nothing inherently disgusting in am image, but what we bring to it. That is the challenge of empathizing, not thinking that things are inherently good or bad and getting annoyed at men for getting it wrong.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He was doing porn rather than having sex with his wife. Yes. He pretty much dug his own hole here. 

Almost positively she has another man. I will agree if a man is not taking care of business at home, someone else will.

In this case, he probably has himself to blame. Feel better now?

All of your generalizations about men are ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Btw, these days it is less than a challenge to get all the sex a man wants, if he is single. Probably married too. I for one, don't want that; I don't think most other men do either.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I do think the porn is an insidious destructive thing in a marriage. You'll get no argument from me. I think it's clear you've had some bad experiences with it. I am sorry if my comments have triggered bad memories.
The only thing we differ on is that somehow the porn watching is done in response to the wife as far as trying to hurt her or take her power away. In the op's case in particular, and I think in most cases, it's just a very selfish, unhealthy habit that is extremely difficult to break for a lot of people once started. 
I've been lucky in that I'm not an easily addicted person. I liked gambling--- I haven't done it in 15 years. I've watched porn. Ive done it probably 15 minutes total in the last 2 years. I went out drinking in college a little. I can't remember the last time I've been drunk. That's not because I have more self control than others, I'm just lucky in that I'm not tempted as badly to do things some people become addicted to.

I feel sorry for the OP. He has a nasty habit that has caused him problems. She is justifiably angry at him. We have no way of knowing her side. I'll bet with no sex from her husband, she was feeling terrible. 
But, I do think there is sime shakiness on her side here that he doesn't know about. And I don't think his porn addiction was started on purpose to hurt her. 
I think this is just an all around tragedy. It would be good if they could both own whatever problems they have and seek help and work toward a successful marriage. 
And I think the OP sees his guilt and would be willing to try.

If she is unwilling to work further, he needs to ACCEPT that she is done and move on, working on himself to get healthy mentally with the porn thing. It was obviously a huge problem because he was ignoring his wife's needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't think this is really about porn, but that it was just the last straw. 

That said, my opinion is that porn is fine if it is not substituting for affection for a partner. I am particularly supportive of porn when someone is regularly being turned down by their partner.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He stated the porn right after honeymoon and wouldn't make love to his wife. It very well could be the start and end of the problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Sounds like to me she was looking for a way out to begin with. Although, the porn is pretty disrespectful. I know some couples are okay with watching it but some are not, that boundary needs to be established in the relationship. Some people think that it's cheating or not right to look at porn and then they feel not good enough...but others don't care. See what I mean? If you two haven't established a boundary there or talked about it, I would explain to her that you are very sorry for hurting her feelings and that you will not do it again, go to counseling, etc. If that isn't good enough for her then just leave her alone, she is obviously still angry and nothing will get to her right now. I would find legal counsel and see what you could do about this or what may happen and then just give your wife space but fulfill your promise of not looking at pornography again while you two are still together. Clear cache and history on your phone and be done with it. Is this stemming from a porn addiction or was this just a random thing you did?


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I have no doubt that the porn has hurt my wife terribly. She is so upset that she cannot speak to me unless the kids are interacting with us. She is drinking heavily and smoking more than usual. She keeps watching self help videos on youtube and crying. I know I wasn't the happiest most dynamic husband and I did neglect her needs big time. The porn has ruined everything and I don't even recognise the woman since this came out. I do not suspect any other men but do buy into the idea that this was the last straw. It's early days but she is wanting me to leave the house asap as she says she cannot start healing seeing my face around all the time. I wish I could just disappear and give her space but with new year holidays and no money, it's very difficult. My youngest daughter was crying as she thinks her daddy is leaving which is crushing for me. I feel scared, alone and miss the woman I love. She tells me she wants to move on with her life. Could we ever be a family again? It's hope which keeps me going if I change my ways and get help maybe one day? Should I just walk away and start a new life? I can't live without my kids but don't want to just see them every now and then. I wish I could fall out of love with her as she has such a hold on me.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I am taking on board alot of advice here. I agree that the porn damaged my marriage and have come to terms that it controlled me by making me prefer it over my wife. It became easy to go and get off on porn than make an effort to be romantic and have intimacy with her. I don't quite get how the cycle became so string or how I could be happy to go without sex with her because she really is stunning. She said to me last night that there were times when I would treat her like a queen and look geniunly happy for a few days and then withdraw and not show any affection at all. To me it felt like the real me was deep inside in a cage wanting to show my family how much I loved them. I need help and I have a counselling assessment in two weeks. I want her back but know that its pointless right now. I hear alot about working on myself and 'moving on' but what is that? If I get help, get mentally more focused, rid myself of the poison that has ruled my life for years, then what? How will my wife notice if I live elsewhere? I would only see her when collecting the kids for 5 minutes. I'm scared stiff. I want to do the right thing for once in my life but can't just let go of my wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cocaine addiction v porn habit. 

Yeah. Clearly the porn habit is far worse. 

The ravings did they have a feeling of paranoia about them?

Perhaps of junkie speak?

Just a thought..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> This is the empathy level of a 7 year old. If a man came to me upset and about to divorce his wife because he found such images on his wife's phone, I would think he was an idiot. If he had such images on his own phone (the equivalent in this case), I would tell him she was better of without him.
> 
> People react differently to different things. There is nothing inherently disgusting in am image, but what we bring to it. That is the challenge of empathizing, not thinking that things are inherently good or bad and getting annoyed at men for getting it wrong.


This isn't about him having pictures on his phone


Perhaps you should read up on his neglecting of his wife in favote of porn.

Would you advise s guy to stay married to a woman who watched big c0ck porn and neglected him? 

That's what this is about, not some pictures.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Andy,

If it is really a compulsion you can't control, get to an SAA meeting. 

Don't wait for counseling. 

Start today.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> This isn't about him having pictures on his phone
> 
> 
> Perhaps you should read up on his neglecting of his wife in favote of porn.
> ...


Frankly, the big **** porn might not be a deal breaker. In some cases they might like watching it together. Context is everything. In the case of a man who has a porn addiction, it is a big deal.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> Frankly, the big **** porn might not be a deal breaker. In some cases they might like watching it together. Context is everything. In the case of a man who has a porn addiction, it is a big deal.


Maybe, but when you neglect your spouse everything is a big deal. 

Particularly when you're newlyweds. .... you wreck the foundation of the marriage before it's even built.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe, but when you neglect your spouse everything is a big deal.
> 
> Particularly when you're newlyweds. .... you wreck the foundation of the marriage before it's even built.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But we have to ignore the elephant in the room that his wife is a cokehead?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Wife came back from her weekend..No change to her coldness towards me. Thankfully the kids were full of joy and wanted to play so it broke the ice. I think the best thing I can do here is take positive actions and not look for reassurance or an over night change of heart. I have counselling next week, seeing the lawyer tomorrow to learn my rights, am seeing the priest today, I'm much better with the kids, my wife knows I am trying to get help and I'm going to have porn filter installed by my provider later..any other actions I can take?


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## Hopefulforhappy (Dec 23, 2015)

I haven't read all of the comments yet. However, I seriously think something else triggered this. Porn addiction or using it to replace an intimate relationship with your wife is one thing. But, the I have no problem with the occasional looking at it. It's practically everywhere anyways. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you are able to get to the bottom of it. I just can't believe it was this one isolated event.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But we have to ignore the elephant in the room that his wife is a cokehead?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I missed that. What post # mentions her coke habit?

I aggree with most here that he is responsible for ignoring his wife in favor of porn.
an inexcuseable and possibly deal breaker. But if so, then so is hers.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

She told me that she fell out of love with me when I was struggling to get on wuth my eldest daughter 7. I would argue and I smacked her bottom a few times. I ended up getting a charity to help me connect with her. Then I found out that she was being bullied at school and that was why she was acting up. My wife said the porn was a secondary yet final nail ib the marriage. She said that she respects for getting help and taking ownership for my problem but says that even if I become the man she fell in love with again, she can't risk anymore hurt. Sgw saud that if I had loved and shown interest in the kids like I do now, it could have carried us through all this. She acknowledges that I am a much better father now. I got my divorce papers the other day. Crushing but I'm wondering if I can take any positives from what she said. Could her heart soften over time? If I finally deal with myself, could there be a chance?


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Anything is possible. And the best chance is by you being the best example of the man she fell in love with. 

However, her reactions seem so over the top, that I suspect this is only part of the story. The posts above about coke aren't answered, but I don't know where they come from. Even if it isn't coke, is she doing something else, hiding something, planning something? Or are there a handful of other major issues between you two that have not been mentioned. Divorce for porn on the phone and troubles relating to a child, is over the top.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

The coke was occasional use and is not an issue anymore as far as I know. She does smoke pot regularly though in the evenings. I thought her reaction was extreme. No separation or agreeing to counselling. She reacted emotionally but says she doesn't want to be guilt tripped into staying. I have done all I can under the circumstances. She is distant and not the woman I used to know. She said that she tried real hard last year but I don't remember her talking to me about issues. We went on 5 foreign holidays last year. She planned all of them and we had a great time but maybe she was trying to escape reality. It is over the top. I explained everything to our priest and even he can't understand her stance. She filed 2 days after she discovered the porn. It has been a rollercoaster since. She left me once before for 8 months and slept with other guys, parties drugs. Then calmed down when I dated someone and had done a 180. Maybe a 180 would work again? It was bever this extreme before though. How can I get through to her?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> The coke was occasional use and is not an issue anymore as far as I know. She does smoke pot regularly though in the evenings. I thought her reaction was extreme. No separation or agreeing to counselling. She reacted emotionally but says she doesn't want to be guilt tripped into staying. I have done all I can under the circumstances. She is distant and not the woman I used to know. She said that she tried real hard last year but I don't remember her talking to me about issues. We went on 5 foreign holidays last year. She planned all of them and we had a great time but maybe she was trying to escape reality. It is over the top. I explained everything to our priest and even he can't understand her stance. She filed 2 days after she discovered the porn. It has been a rollercoaster since.* She left me once before for 8 months and slept with other guys, parties drugs.* Then calmed down when I dated someone and had done a 180. Maybe a 180 would work again? It was bever this extreme before though. How can I get through to her?


So the missing piece drops into place! Earlier I wanted to ask is she having an affair. But I couldn't remember the thread details, and it seemed a little rude. So, she has done it before, and I bet she is doing it now. This isn't so much an over the top reaction, it is cheaters bias. She planned 5 foreign trips to spend while she was in the marriage and perhaps to decide did if she want to stay. Then she was just waiting for an excuse to get righteous and leave with you painted as the bad guy.

So your best option to save the marriage is a 180 again. But I doubt this will stop the divorce. You need legal advice, especially about timing. How long till a divorce is finalised? How late can she change her mind?

And what will happen about custody? What does your wife think will happen with custody? Do you have documentation about the 8 months of partying and drugs? Who looked after your daughter during this time? etc.

Your last question, "How can I get through to her?" is probably more important. I think the best option is finding, documenting and busting her current affair.

The more important question though is do you want to stay married to a serial cheater? To answer that you probably need to think about what brought on those 8 months. Because if you can't answer that you can't prevent further affairs or ONS.


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Hi Andy!

I think the #1 priority is for you to re-gain more happiness in your life. 
So while this turmoil is going on (i.e. you have a high maintenance, domineering wife who likes to yell/marriage is up in the air) -- while this turmoil is going on, take ideal care of yourself. Pursue good friendships, keep your other family members close, join a church, get a counselor -- you need allies and supporters. #2 priority is growing your relationship with your children. Like another poster said, maybe the one child yelled at you as she sees her mother being disrespectful/yelling, and is mimicking her mother? 

Perhaps talking with a trusted friend or counselor can help uncover ways to strengthen your relationship with the children. It may be your wife's fault that the kids run to her - they may be intimidated by her.

#3 I am very conservative and old-fashioned and it does not bother me that my husband looks at porn -- I don't think you should be too hard on yourself about that. The difference between your wife and myself is I'm on my second marriage. When my 1st husband looked at porn I was a bit shocked, but now that I've been remarried for 9 years, I know that ALL guys look at porn...it's in guys genetics. If you explain to your wife that you guys were not having much of a sex life, and men have needs....she needs to loosen up a bit.

I agree with other posters that the marriage is dysfunctional, and unless therapy makes your wife more respectful and more loving toward you, you'd likely be better off without her. So do all you can to increase your peace and happiness, with or without her. Finally, if she were a good mother, she'd know that it is better for children to have an intact family.....she AT LEAST could have tried to talk to you more calmly and considered therapy....instead she yells at you and makes threats....she is a bit selfish in my opinion......for the sake of the children she could have tried to attempt to work on things before running to a lawyer


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> She left me once before for 8 months and slept with other guys, parties drugs. Then calmed down when I dated someone and had done a 180.


The missing piece.

Protect yourself.

~Please Fight for 50/50 custody! 

Are the kids spending time with you 50% of the time?
What is the parent sharing like?

As the Father you should never leave the primary residence!
check with your attorneys!

Remember your goal is to get at least 50/50 custody.

Who has the higher income you or your wife?


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

We had a good day together as a family yesterday and I spoke to my wife and she said that I have started to change for the better but its early days wether that is temporary or a permanent change. She said the dynamics of the family are going to be different and she still wants to go ahead with the divorce as although we can be friends, the relationship could not continue after all the recent events. She says that if I had left the house when she asked, she would have agreed to separate and postponed the divorce but that it may have been in evitable anyway. My wife is acting happier around me but wants me to sign the paper work. I thought last night that I may have made a break through but she is adamant on divorce. I'n confused now more than ever and wonder if I keep the positive changes going she may see me differently. I am going to have to leave in 4 weeks as I don't see what good its doing being here apart from seeing the kids. I can't change her mind about the divorce and do not have the money to contest it.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I think regarding my daughter mimiking my wife, I have to agree that that was happening and the reason I went for help ad I felt last in the pecking order. My wife has always controlled the marriage and me. She takes care if the finances, the kids and household chores. If I try and cook a meal, she takes over. She always finds a better solution to a problem and talks the talk which is what she is good at being a saleswoman. She is insecure about her looks and insecure. Her parents split when she was 10 and she was forced to live with her dad for two weeks at a time which she hated. I don't think any of her relationships lasted long and I think if I had not pursued her or been as easy going as I am, I would have been ditched a long time ago. She thinks that she will be happier without the thought if me hanging over her. But, as when we separated before, the grass was not greener and when another woman took an interest in me after a 180, she wanted me to come home. I could do the same thing but this time the d papers are here. It has only been a week since she filed but it has made me loose hope. She wants a friendly relationship with me and no lawyers will be involved with our finances or child support or custody. I have to have a strategy other than a basic 180. I also need to hault the divorce finalising in July.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She has serious control issues and is unstable.

She needs a spanking in my humble opinion.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Serial cheating, slvt drughead.

Why are you attracted to this thing?

She is an unfit mother.

Are you a typical " nice guy" "doormat"?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Andy101 said:


> She told me that she fell out of love with me when I was struggling to get on wuth my eldest daughter 7. I would argue and I smacked her bottom a few times. I ended up getting a charity to help me connect with her. Then I found out that she was being bullied at school and that was why she was acting up. My wife said the porn was a secondary yet final nail ib the marriage. She said that she respects for getting help and taking ownership for my problem but says that even if I become the man she fell in love with again, she can't risk anymore hurt. Sgw saud that if I had loved and shown interest in the kids like I do now, it could have carried us through all this. She acknowledges that I am a much better father now. I got my divorce papers the other day. Crushing but I'm wondering if I can take any positives from what she said. Could her heart soften over time? If I finally deal with myself, could there be a chance?


You're in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. That's what I can tell from your post. Get yourself a good lawyer, get yourself into therapy to figure out why you're attracted to this unstable woman, and find a way to live a better life without her.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> Hi all.
> I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce.
> She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her.
> I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say.
> I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.


And you cannot see that you did anything wrong, can you?? Why in the world would you wife take offense to you viewing porn? It's just another women.....besides your wife that you vowed to be committed to. How would you feel if your wife were to take up interested with another man? How would that feel and it is not not the same? My reaction would ahve been the same as your wife. It is a betrayal. Good luck digging yourself out of this one. This is one of the reasons I left my husband.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> And you cannot see that you did anything wrong, can you?? Why in the world would you wife take offense to you viewing porn? It's just another women.....besides your wife that you vowed to be committed to. How would you feel if your wife were to take up interested with another man? How would that feel and it is not not the same? My reaction would ahve been the same as your wife. It is a betrayal. Good luck digging yourself out of this one. This is one of the reasons I left my husband.


 @AVR1962 - have you read the entire thread (or others the OP has posted?)? Just asking.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In and around the presence of your children, can you wholly justify your examining porn and your wife sniffing coke? I didn't think so! 

So exactly what benefits from all of this do your kids actually derive? None that I can remotely think of!

Get yourself to a family attorney immediately to help you examine your legal rights and to make use of a negotiation chip that, before embracing divorce, you both get into MC, as well as into IC to deal with these personal problems of yours and to attempt a genuine rehabilitation of the family unit!*


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Absurdist said:


> @AVR1962 - have you read the entire thread (or others the OP has posted?)? Just asking.


No, I probably am missing something or you would not ask.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They are no longer together (although I wouldn't say he's really over her yet). 

He has an updated thread in this section.


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