# After children...



## Changeseeker (Jan 31, 2017)

Within 4 weeks of giving birth to our daughter, my partner, who I love with all my heart, gave me an ultimatum of resume sex or he'll find it somewhere else.
"what's the point of having a Mrs?" He also insulted me for not having shaved my lady garden amongst other things and left me really emotionally wounded.

As you can imagine, so soon after birth, I was not ready for sex at all. We had a brief sexual attempt 2 weeks after birth that frankly disgusted me. It felt wrong, I was still bleeding. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel close to the cocreator of our wonderful baby girl and have a cuddle but it led to sex.

Months have flown by and I have "fulfilled my duty" at least once every 2 weeks. Despite being exhausted breastfeeding and still not having a full nights sleep. The same argument has raised it head a number of times as it got to the 2 week mark and I was threatened with prostitutes and he began to stop helping run our home and children or showing any kind if affection towards me.

Before the birth, even throughout pregnancy our sex life was good, it was equal. I wanted it and he wanted it. Happened a few times a week. Back when there was TIME and energy.

Now my feeling of wanting sex has gone. Initially I put it down to birth and hormones breastfeeding, but it's almost a year since I gave birth. I think this has become a psychological rather than hormonal issue.

I want to want him again but his nastiness and how he's handled the sex issue echoes through my mind most days. How could he possibly care about me or respect me and say such cruel things when I was at my most vulnerable? He's obviously apologised after each argument but then repeated the same thing again within a month or 2.

I want to have sex with him because I want to, not because I have to. This dynamic has been the destroyer of my passion and self esteem.

How do I get past this?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

He's quite selfish... and that selfishness has changed sex from =love to now =chore for you (with someone you don't really like much).

He needs to figure out "why" he's a colossal aSS...and that will probably need some IC...and I'll bet he would be against that.

If he won't address the problem, what do you do? It's lather, rinse, repeat at that point.

I would certainly shy away from any more kids for now. As draining and terrible as this was, it would be magnified tenfold with another little one.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Changeseeker said:


> How do I get past this?


Your husband is being incredibly insensitive!

Be very aware that stress can have very different impacts on one's sexuality. Stress make some people crave sex as it is a way to make themselves feel good and relax. While for other people they need to first be relaxed and confident about everything, and the idea of having sex while under stress would be the last thing they would want to happen. 

So if you have a four week old child, odds are your husband is under an tremendous amount of stress. His body is responding to this stress by giving him a strong desire for sex. If you reject your husband for sex, this only increases his stress and indirectly his need for sex. 

*You need to DEFUSE this situation!* Give your husband a back rub. Take his desire for you as a compliment that you are beautiful. Ask him to tell you why he is so attracted to you, and enjoy listening to what he has to say. Work on helping calm him down. Perhaps give him a HJ or BJ or you are still soar. If you are still soar, explain to him that you want to but to please give you more time to heal.

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If he can be so blunt with him about wanting sex with you, then you have to be equally blunt with him that you don't want sex with a boor like him. 
If he doesn't have any consideration for you and what you have been through, let him go screw prostitutes and tell him not let the door hit him on the way out, but don't bother coming back.

If this is what he is like now, can you imagine what he will be like when you in your middle age or if you are ill and cannot service him, he sounds awful.
Kick him out to let him think about his behaviour. 
Tell him you need to be respected and cherished. Stand up for yourself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

> How do I get past this?


Before you can "get past" something you must first catch up to it. Spend a little time at the same speed, watching it outside your side window. Then kicking it into high gear and pulling ahead and away from that "this".

If you could leap over him, never viewing his selfish azz from the side, I would say do that. 

Better yet, make a sharp right turn. Leave him with his cold, hard mindedness, his hard edge, his hard head and his hard dik to himself. Tell him to use his hand to satisfy himself. Only that appendage is worthy of this self appointed Prince, dub him, "His Lowness".

Take him up on his offer. Tell him to go get himself a prostitute. And tell him "Don't come back".

It is obvious to me, that he is not happy with the thought of you with a new baby, taking your time away from him and his pleasure. He knows that with nursing, bathing, and feeding, he is at the back of the line.
Welcome to marriage. That is the price of having precious children. What an idiot. 

I bet if he had asked nicely from the beginning, treated you nicely from the beginning, he could have least gotten a hand job from you. Too late now.

Prepare for an exit out of this marriage. Take your time.

Sorry for your pain.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yikes, he has gone about his part all wrong.

How were you after the birth of your other kids? What precedence was set?

This is difficult because now you are both reacting on high, negative emotions. Even after an apology your mind doesn't wipe away all the hurtful things he said and did, and you caving into sex doesn't wipe away that his wife is so different than she used to be.

You are his wife, and a year after a baby, he should be able to come to you for this marital pleasure he seeks. You should be his only outlet. If he is being denied that, you do put him in a precarious situation. You need to try hard to forgive his eagerness and caveman tactics right after the birth. It's been a year now. You are his wife. If you are unwilling to provide him with sex on a somewhat regular basis, then divorce and set him free.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

I've recently bruised my tailbone and am in pain constantly. We still had sex a few nights ago. He knew it was causing me pain but he never stopped. He asked if I was ok a lot during and I mumbled "hmmmm", but a brain dead monkey could see I was in agony and wasn't enjoying it. He continued to completion and told me he was sorry a bit after. Still never touched or held me while we were going to sleep together.

Like I've said, he is not being denied his sex. He gets it. It's that I don't want to, most of the time.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

The ladies ought to love this . 

His timing is all off, there is really no excuse for his ****ish behavior and pressure to resume sex so soon. 

On the other hand, if he'd been understanding and supportive for 6 months to perhaps a year and then made this play I'd be all on his side.

Also, whats up with the 2 ID's?


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

anonmd said:


> The ladies ought to love this .
> 
> His timing is all off, there is really no excuse for his ****ish behavior and pressure to resume sex so soon.
> 
> ...


I couldn't log back in with the first ID despite trying!
First time on a forum 😊


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

This is a very difficult period for both spouses. I feel for both of you. You can exit this period (baby in the house) as a stronger team or as enemies. Takes both of you working together to build a stronger bond. Only takes one of you not working at it to destroy your love.

Yes, he was a boor. Yes, baby in house and Mom breastfeeding will mean less sex for Dad for a while. He should accept the unavoidable reality and be less of a selfish jerk about that. But you need to be as sympathetic to him as he is to you. It HURTS many men to go without sex. Not just physically but even more deeply, emotionally. We feel rejected and worthless. I know lots of women think those are just words that men use to get into your pants but they are not. The pain and rejection and feeling of worthlessness are real. 

The fact that you just went through delivery and you have a new baby in the house may kill of your desire but it probably doesn't affect his. As @badsanta posted, the stress may well increase your H's level of desire and need for you. I know, not welcome, but just as real as your decreased desire.

And that is the problem. His desire for you is not welcome. Problem is, he likely cannot separate his desire for you from his love for you. So if you tell him to pack up his desire and send it away, there is a substantial chance that his love for you will go with it. Yes, it would be great if he could love you without desiring you so powerfully, but many people (men and women) simply cannot. It is a package deal. If I love you, I desire you sexually. If you prevent me from acting on my sexual desire for you, my love for you disappears. Sad (when not reciprocated), but true.

So you can work with him on ways to satisfy him sexually that are not so painful and bothersome for you. I agree you should not do anything that causes you physical pain, much less agony. Or you can leave him hanging. But if you think he can and should simply wait until you are feeling strong urges for sex before you guys have sex again, realize that you may be saying that he can and should wait until you feel a strong urge for sex before he loves you again. And I don't think that is what you want. Would be great if he could compartmentalize and take joy from the baby and jettison his need for sex for a while. But he simply may not be capable of doing that. Many people cannot. Doesn't make him bad or wrong or evil for having this need despite it being inconvenient for you. 

Similarly, it isn't bad or wrong or evil of you to wish that you didn't have to have any sex until the baby feeds and clothes and bathes itself. Just makes you guys a (very normal and typical and unremarkable) bad match for each other at the moment. Something you both need to work through if you want to be a good match for each other later on. Because if you think you can just tell him to go stuff his needs for a couple of years and then have a loving and caring H at the back end, you are fooling yourself. 

Just as he is fooling himself if he thinks the baby and the changes in your body are not going to affect his sex life. He is likely going to get less frequency and less enthusiasm than before the baby arrived. You are probably going to have to perform more frequently and with more enthusiasm than you are feeling at the moment. If both of you compromise and sacrifice for the good of the relationship, you will both appreciate each other more over time. If one ro both of you holds back and insists on having things "my way", then likely one or both of you will not appreciate the other very much in a few years. 

No matter what else you do for your child, don't fool yourself into thinking that you are being a great Mom if your selfishness leads to Dad walking away. Dad leaving is a bigger deal than timely feedings or breastmilk vs bottle or timely changing and avoiding diaper rash or any single session of doing some "baby enhancement" activity. That doesn't mean this is all on you. Like I said, Dad should stop being a selfish jerk and should accept that reality has changed. Permanently. And that his behavior can affect how good or bad the change is. So it is in his own interest to make wise choices and support his wife so she is more motivated to reciprocate. BOTH of you need to pull back in some areas and push forward in others.

Just saying that focusing 100% of your attention on the baby and 0% on your H is NOT optimal. SO you should not see time with Dad as always selfish by dad and taking something away from the baby. You are giving the baby an invaluable gift. Mom and Dad getting along and loving each other every year for the rest of their lives is priceless. Try your best to get that for your child. And if that means you have a little less time and energy for the baby, trust me, years from now the baby won't complain. Every time he sees Dad kiss Mom and Mom smile, the former baby will smile (inwardly - outwardly the former baby will say "eww, gross, get a room you guys, that is disgusting!). And that is when you will realize that the time you took away from baby for Dad was well worth it.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Unless he becomes emotionally mature, selfless, and, basically a man, I don't see this marriage lasting. I'm sorry you married such a selfish prick. You can't change him, but you have to put up some strong boundaries, otherwise he will walk all over you. When he threatens to get a prostitute, tell him to go get one but to never come back and never touch you again. You have to quickly get to a point in which you are self-sufficient and can be on your own. That will let him know you don't need him, that you're not needy and not afraid to lose him. Put the fear of God into him.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

He is being insensitive, but I can sort of see this both ways. You cut him off of sex completely and expect him to respect you and want to be your husband. That's not going to fly with most men. You have to assure him that although it won't be now that sex at some point will return. There are so many posts here that say that after the first child sex never returned and the marriage went south. Your marriage will do the same unless you can convince your H that sex will return.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

He is a really attentive fiancée most of the time. I'd appreciate more *me* time in the form of an undisturbed bath more than once a week. (Nothing like a week without a bath to kill libedo in a woman)

I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.

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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

When I first read this post, I thought your children were going to be 4 YEARS old and you were avoiding sex. I'm sorry for my quick judgement towards you. I thought you were going to be another Headache Helga type of wife and used the children as an excuse not to want sex.

4 WEEKS? 4 WEEKS? Is he actually serious? Has the doctor even given the OK for intercourse by then?

I would have FLIPPED out if he made threats like that towards me. Especially the prostitutes. Nothing makes me lose respect for a man than when he pays for sex. (Oddly enough I don't lose respect for women in this relationship dynamic.) Like really, he has to PAY to get someone to touch him? 

It's been a year. I'd stand up for myself and tell him to **** off. I'd want a delayed apology. I'd also say YOU'LL resme sex when he resumes some manners. He won't like that ultimatium anymore than you did.

PS I broke my tail bone! Worst pain of my life. Could even go down steps because of the pressure. Had to crawl like a baby. Feel better.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Changeseeker1 said:


> He is a really attentive fiancée most of the time. I'd appreciate more *me* time in the form of an undisturbed bath more than once a week. (Nothing like a week without a bath to kill libedo in a woman)
> 
> I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.
> 
> Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk


Well, there you go - say that to him.

"Honey, if I had an hour of undisturbed 'me time' to take a bath 3 nights a week, it might take a couple or few months but I think that would help me get my drive back". 

Then hopefully follow up assuming he takes the bait. Men love to solve problems, he's go a problem and if you define a reasonable solution I bet he'd go for it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Changeseeker1 said:


> He is a really attentive fiancée most of the time. I'd appreciate more *me* time in the form of an undisturbed bath more than once a week. (Nothing like a week without a bath to kill libedo in a woman)
> 
> I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.
> 
> Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk


You do it but it's probably clear to him that you don't want to.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> You do it but it's probably clear to him that you don't want to.


Yeah. I understand that probably is the case. But I feel that if I wasn't pressured so soon so nastily my sex drive would have come back naturally and I would be gagging for him by now.

P.s. I could never sleep with someone if I thought for a second they didn't want to. It's a bit rapey. It's unfair.

He better pray his prostate doesn't give him trouble in 20 years because pay back is a bit ch.

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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Changeseeker1 said:


> Yeah. I understand that probably is the case. But I feel that if I wasn't pressured so soon so nastily my sex drive would have come back naturally and I would be gagging for him by now.
> 
> P.s. I could never sleep with someone if I thought for a second they didn't want to. It's a bit rapey. It's unfair.
> 
> ...


I think that it's clear that you had the right intentions all along and your H demanding sex right after giving birth was out of line. Some guys are very scared that their wives will lose interest all together after birth and their sole interest will be on their children and not them.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> He is being insensitive, but I can sort of see this both ways. You cut him off of sex completely and expect him to respect you and want to be your husband. That's not going to fly with most men. You have to assure him that although it won't be now that sex at some point will return. There are so many posts here that say that after the first child sex never returned and the marriage went south. Your marriage will do the same unless you can convince your H that sex will return.


This is interesting and true. That said, perhaps there is a correlation with the the couples that stop having sex post child and those where the husbands turned into a whiney second child post child. It would make sense. I can think of very few things that would have repulsed my wife more. Toss in the emotional blackmail ("I'll get a hooker") and he's batting .900 on the aSS-clown meter. 

As others have said, she needs to set some boundaries.... and top them with razor wire.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

I can totally understand wanting a sex life back, but the way he has tried to get it has ultimately caused more damage than the birth ever could. I think I know that now.
But how do I get over it? Past the resentment it's duly caused. I want to keep our relationship, I want him to feel loved and valued, but I don't trust he, in the difficult times, will afford me the respect or value in return. The sexual desire has been twisted to suit him and I want that to change.

In general, Why is a short term sex refusal a no go, mistreatment even to the rejected, but ongoing sexual demand is OK and normal? That's not considered mistreatment, or unfair. It seems like a complete double standard to me.

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With both of my kids, my XW's marching orders from her OB/Gyn was 6 weeks post birth and only after a scheduled examination ~ with absolutely no exceptions!

IMHO, your SO is nothing more than a gross, selfish, insensitive lout!*


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

anonmd said:


> Well, there you go - say that to him.
> 
> "Honey, if I had an hour of undisturbed 'me time' to take a bath 3 nights a week, it might take a couple or few months but I think that would help me get my drive back".
> 
> Then hopefully follow up assuming he takes the bait. Men love to solve problems, he's go a problem and if you define a reasonable solution I bet he'd go for it.


I've said the bath thing many, many times. Still didn't change.
I was hoping a de-stress in the tub and feeling fresh might help my libedo for myself and my own sexual desires, as this can work for me. But I'm still on weekly baths 11 months on. I've even pointed out that it could equal more sex. Still nothing changed. It can also feel like it's my punishment for not giving him his desire for sex. Like a trade off. Which leads to further resentment to be "in the mood."

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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband is a selfish prick and he has NO BUSINESS telling you to put out or he'll hire a hooker!!!!! If my husband ever said that to me his a$$ would be out the freaking door so fast he would NEED a hooker to find his ****. Good lord.

Tell the jerk that he either gets himself into some kind of therapy to learn how to cherish his WIFE and the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, or YOU are going to go out and find someone who treats you decently!!!!!! And then freaking DO it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Changeseeker said:


> Within 4 weeks of giving birth to our daughter, my partner, who I love with all my heart, gave me an ultimatum of resume sex or he'll find it somewhere else.
> "what's the point of having a Mrs?" He also insulted me for not having shaved my lady garden amongst other things and left me really emotionally wounded.
> 
> As you can imagine, so soon after birth, I was not ready for sex at all. We had a brief sexual attempt 2 weeks after birth that frankly disgusted me. It felt wrong, I was still bleeding. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel close to the cocreator of our wonderful baby girl and have a cuddle but it led to sex.
> ...


This is pretty shocking. Wow. So much so, I asked MrsMarriedDude...If she could give me a quick review (we've had 3 children)...and a suggestion of what she would do had I either been the same or similar. 

She Strongly Suggests.....BaseBall Bat. To the Dome. 

I, offer another suggestion...Have you talked to his father about this? He might be able to help your husband....who apparently doesn't understand biology, healing, empathy.......compassion...and so forth. Hearing at least a little bit of reality from someone that has been in his shoes might help......(Or...he could get you that Bat)


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

MarriedDude said:


> This is pretty shocking. Wow. So much so, I asked MrsMarriedDude...If she could give me a quick review (we've had 3 children)...and a suggestion of what she would do had I either been the same or similar.
> 
> She Strongly Suggests.....BaseBall Bat. To the Dome.
> 
> I, offer another suggestion...Have you talked to his father about this? He might be able to help your husband....who apparently doesn't understand biology, healing, empathy.......compassion...and so forth. Hearing at least a little bit of reality from someone that has been in his shoes might help......(Or...he could get you that Bat)


I spoke to him mum, she was disappointed in him and sad I'd given in to him "for an easy life."
I believe he is also disappointed in his reaction too. He has been good in other ways possibly to compensate.
But the issue won't go away in my head and it's making it hard for me to reconnect organically, without the "I'll just have to or he'll cheat/turn into the nasty barsteward again" running through my mind.

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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Changeseeker1 said:


> I spoke to him mum, she was disappointed in him and sad I'd given in to him "for an easy life."
> I believe he is also disappointed in his reaction too. He has been good in other ways possibly to compensate.
> But the issue won't go away in my head and it's making it hard for me to reconnect organically, without the "I'll just have to or he'll cheat/turn into the nasty barsteward again" running through my mind.
> 
> Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk


He somehow needs to be brought to understand the reality. When you needed his strength, his support....He withdrew it. This has caused part of your love for him to wither. Just as he was once mindful of your needs as he sought to win your affections....He will need to do so again. Just make sure he knows it's possible. It may take outside help.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

I really want to thank you all for your replies today.
I have carried this inside me for months, eating away at me. Questioning whether I was overreacting or highly sensitive or hormonal. I thank those who saw the seriousness of his actions and understand the damage it has caused.
Thanks for validating my pain, strangers from the interwebs xxxx

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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Changeseeker1 said:


> I know I've made it clear but I'll say it again, I haven't stopped having sex. I've done it from 2 weeks post birth! I've provided. Despite his lack of respect and bully tactics used.
> 
> Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk




This is the problem. And I don't want to sound mean but this is your problem. Why are you doing something you don't want to do? Only you have control of your body, if you don't want to have sex don't. Stop acting like a victim, he is not making you, you are deciding to. 
You have sex with him and then get angry and made at him for something you decided to do. It's not fair. Your going to get so much anger and resentment for him it's going to ruin your marriage. DONT have sex if you don't want to. 
You need to be an adult and take responsibility for your actions. Respect yourself! Don't get mad at him because your having sex with him. Get mad at him because he is threatening and manipulating you, but never ever do anything you don't want to do because only you are to blame. If he wants to leave you and have are with someone else... then goodbye!!! Why be with someone like that? He is probably just bluffing anyway to get you to do what he wants.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> This is the problem. And I don't want to sound mean but this is your problem. Why are you doing something you don't want to do? Only you have control of your body, if you don't want to have sex don't. Stop acting like a victim, he is not making you, you are deciding to.
> You have sex with him and then get angry and made at him for something you decided to do. It's not fair. Your going to get so much anger and resentment for him it's going to ruin your marriage. DONT have sex if you don't want to.
> You need to be an adult and take responsibility for your actions. Respect yourself! Don't get mad at him because your having sex with him. Get mad at him because he is threatening and manipulating you, but never ever do anything you don't want to do because only you are to blame. If he wants to leave you and have are with someone else... then goodbye!!! Why be with someone like that? He is probably just bluffing anyway to get you to do what he wants.


Wow. That is so right isn't it? The anger is a good portion directly at myself for the manipulation succeeding. I never thought of it that way.

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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Changeseeker1 said:


> I've said the bath thing many, many times. Still didn't change.
> I was hoping a de-stress in the tub and feeling fresh might help my libedo for myself and my own sexual desires, as this can work for me. But I'm still on weekly baths 11 months on. I've even pointed out that it could equal more sex. Still nothing changed. It can also feel like it's my punishment for not giving him his desire for sex. Like a trade off. Which leads to further resentment to be "in the mood."
> 
> Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk




What are you talking about! You have to be kidding! Why are you only taking a bath once a week??? I mean come on. 
You need to take control of your life more. Stop waiting around for him. Take the baby, give him to your fiancé and TELL him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Why is this so hard?? A year with a weekly bath come on seriously... 

You are probably so full of resentment for him because your blaming this all on him. Come on girl! Your an adult, do what you want! You want to take a bath? Take the baby put him in the bouncer and on the bathroom floor while you bath. I don't understand why this hasn't crossed your mind? Instead you want to pin this all on your fiancé that you only bath once a week. You have some serious issues.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> What are you talking about! You have to be kidding! Why are you only taking a bath once a week??? I mean come on.
> You need to take control of your life more. Stop waiting around for him. Take the baby, give him to your fiancé and TELL him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Why is this so hard?? A year with a weekly bath come on seriously...
> 
> You are probably so full of resentment for him because your blaming this all on him. Come on girl! Your an adult, do what you want! You want to take a bath? Take the baby put him in the bouncer and on the bathroom floor while you bath. I don't understand why this hasn't crossed your mind? Instead you want to pin this all on your fiancé that you only bath once a week. You have some serious issues.


Errr OK. Now you're getting a bit mean.
Don't you think I've tried that? She just cries after 5 mins, wanting to see what I'm doing. It's not much to ask for him to give me 20mins to bathe in peace?

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Changeseeker1 said:


> I can totally understand wanting a sex life back, but the way he has tried to get it has ultimately caused more damage than the birth ever could. I think I know that now.
> But how do I get over it? Past the resentment it's duly caused. I want to keep our relationship, I want him to feel loved and valued, but I don't trust he, in the difficult times, will afford me the respect or value in return. The sexual desire has been twisted to suit him and I want that to change.


The reason that you continue to feel resentment towards him is that he has shown you he has no intent of stopping his sh1tty behavior. He then uses disingenuous apologies to keep you in line. 

As long as you continue to accept this behavior, he'll continue to do it. Learn to respect yourself, learn to set boundaries, and drop the rose-colored glasses. You need to see your fiancee for exactly the kind of man he is. Only then can you decide if he is really as good as you claim he is.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Changeseeker1 said:


> Errr OK. Now you're getting a bit mean.
> Don't you think I've tried that? She just cries after 5 mins, wanting to see what I'm doing. It's not much to ask for him to give me 20mins to bathe in peace?
> 
> Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk




Give him the baby and tell him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Then lock the door. The end.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> What are you talking about! You have to be kidding! Why are you only taking a bath once a week??? I mean come on.
> You need to take control of your life more. Stop waiting around for him. Take the baby, give him to your fiancé and TELL him your going to take a bath and not to bother you. Why is this so hard?? A year with a weekly bath come on seriously...
> 
> You are probably so full of resentment for him because your blaming this all on him. Come on girl! Your an adult, do what you want! You want to take a bath? Take the baby put him in the bouncer and on the bathroom floor while you bath. I don't understand why this hasn't crossed your mind? Instead you want to pin this all on your fiancé that you only bath once a week. You have some serious issues.


i hope that OP is not saying she only bathes once a week, but instead that she finds baths more relaxing and might help her get in the mood. Babies in a bouncy seat work pretty great for quick showering. Not so if the point is to relax.

OP, i think katie has a really good point. If you want something, then you must fight for yourself to have it in a constructive way. It seems like you want to be treated nicely and to be respected. 

I don't think that's your job to just get over your fiancee's poor treatment of you, on your own. You said you wanted to know how to "get over it". But when someone treats us badly, usually we cannot just bury it, smooth it over and move on. That resentment is going to keep building until all your love is gone.

an apology means, "i'll try not to do it again". It's not just a word to say so that there is peace between now and the time he does the sh!tty thing again. Your fiancee is just placating you with that word. "Sorry".

he is outright telling you that if you don't put out he is going to cheat with a hooker. WTH. One doesn't coerce or threaten sex from a partner who has just had a baby and should not even be having sex. Just no. _ Maybe_ I would advocate that he could tell you his needs will be met elsewhere if you had cut him off with no valid reason, and there was lots of time and discussion involved. but that's an either/or. either we have sex or i get my needs met elsewhere. Not, i'm getting a hooker, and i will expect you to accommodate me next time like nothing happened and carry on with our marriage.

And did I read he withholds affection in order to get more sex? so backwards. 

It is not your job to get over being made to feel like a machine whose job is to give him sex. Somebody needs to sit this guy down, and let him know that this is not how things will go. You created a tiny human together. His job is to help with the baby, and/or support you while you care for baby. Set good boundaries for yourself. Decide what you will do and set your course. The longer you tolerate this behavior, the longer it will go on.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Changeseeker1 said:


> Errr OK. Now you're getting a bit mean.
> Don't you think I've tried that? She just cries after 5 mins, wanting to see what I'm doing. It's not much to ask for him to give me 20mins to bathe in peace?
> 
> Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk




If he isn't doing what you need, then you need to do what you need. Yes men SHOULD do this and SHOULD do that, but if they don't because sometimes men are being dumb and insensitive then you need to find a way to make it happen. Give him the baby and take a bath, lock the door. 
Raising a baby with no help is exhausting. If he isn't helping then recruit a parent. Mom can you please come over and watch the baby so I can take a bath and take a 3hr nap? People want to help. You just need to ask for it.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Lila said:


> The reason that you continue to feel resentment towards him is that he has shown you he has no intent of stopping his sh1tty behavior. He then uses disingenuous apologies to keep you in line.
> 
> As long as you continue to accept this behavior, he'll continue to do it. Learn to respect yourself, learn to set boundaries, and drop the rose-colored glasses. You need to see your fiancee for exactly the kind of man he is. Only then can you decide if he is really as good as you claim he is.


yes! exactly what I was trying to say! Except, you know. better. and more concise


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> If he isn't doing what you need, then you need to do what you need. Yes men SHOULD do this and SHOULD do that, but if they don't because sometimes men are being dumb and insensitive then you need to find a way to make it happen. Give him the baby and take a bath, lock the door.
> Raising a baby with no help is exhausting. If he isn't helping then recruit a parent. Mom can you please come over and watch the baby so I can take a bath and take a 3hr nap? People want to help. You just need to ask for it.


yes. recruit help if need be.
But teach him that he has to help take care of the child you made together. Do not ask for basic needs.
Take, to ensure that your basic needs are met.

Do not enable his crappy behavior!
How is he showering? i'll bet it's you. you keep an eye on the baby while he showers.
This should be reciprocal.

Baby cries while you're in the bath? "honey, the baby needs you"


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I feel like the OP is the women version of "the nice guy" for men. It's called martyr syndrome. You take on too much because you have a good heart and you want to do everything and never say no but inside you secretly hate everyone who isn't helping but you don't ask for help. 
I know a lot of women with this syndrome and it drives me nuts lol. You think your being nice but in reality your building up resentment and sometimes keeping score in your head. Let it gooooo. 

Let me tell you something about men. (No offense to men, ear muffs). But men are kinda dumb in this area. But they love us very much, they just need direction. They want to help but honestly don't know how to help. Sometimes you just have to tell them what to do. Tell them exactly what you need and you will be surprised. Give him a chance to help you.

And if he doesn't... then he's a dousch not worthy of marriage.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I feel like the OP is the women version of "the nice guy" for men. It's called martyr syndrome. You take on too much because you have a good heart and you want to do everything and never say no but inside you secretly hate everyone who isn't helping but you don't ask for help.
> I know a lot of women with this syndrome and it drives me nuts lol. You think your being nice but in reality your building up resentment and sometimes keeping score in your head. Let it gooooo.
> 
> Let me tell you something about men. (No offense to men, ear muffs). But men are kinda dumb in this area. But they love us very much, they just need direction. They want to help but honestly don't know how to help. Sometimes you just have to tell them what to do. Tell them exactly what you need and you will be surprised. Give him a chance to help you.
> ...


I agree about the martyring, and i mean this in the nicest way possible OP. Because i did this for a number of years, carried everything on my shoulders and didn't ask for help. To my credit, there were extenuating circumstances, but in hindsight I wish that I had been able to let it go then like I do now.

And I hope that if your fiancee doesn't get his head on straight that you have the strength to drop him like a hot potato.
For the good of your family, I hope he gets with the program though.


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## Changeseeker1 (Jan 31, 2017)

Thanks for the replies. I've only had 2 serious relationships and both were abusive. It's hard to know what's normal and what's not sometimes. You're right tho. I do do *everything for my family, I also have a son with autism spectrum disorder so normal can sometimes be a challenge. I have little outside help and it's mostly for the eldest son when I do get help. My partner is my only support.

Sent from my HUAWEI Y360-U31 using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I cannot get over the many posters on here that present the male sexual urge as something he has no control over. 
FFS! have men never heard of self-control, they are not dogs that must do it when the urge strikes. If that was the case then there is little to differentiate this type of thinking from the thinking in the country I live in that its ok for certain religions to have more than one wife because the man MUST (at all costs) have his sexual urges satiated. (never mind the consequences)


What about the wife!
1. she has just given birth
2. probably is very sore down there - there was blood and all when having sex
3. probably feels used and abused
4. He is a ****in prick because what he is doing now will come back to haunt him as she will be resentful and women never forget!

OP's H is a brute and any man who can't keep it in his ****ing trousers at this time can always smack the donkey in another way. He doesn't deserve a wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> You do it but it's probably clear to him that you don't want to.


You try squeezing an 7 pound baby through a small hole and all goes with that and see how horny you would be after than, god you guys make me sick!

His behaviour has turned her off altogether. If my H did that to me, I would kick him out and tell him not to come back. He has no regard for her at all, no respect, no consideration. As I said he doesn't deserve a wife, he needs a prostitute or a goat would probably do the job.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Wow. I had to stop reading before I puked.

Tell him that you just had a baby, things are not the same as they use to be and if he wants to be a selfish prick after your brought his child into the world then he can go f*** a prostitute and when he does you will not be there.

Selfish POS. 

You are not a blow up doll. He needs to learn to respect you and if he wont, then stop being his slave. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Changeseeker1 said:


> I've recently bruised my tailbone and am in pain constantly. We still had sex a few nights ago. *He knew it was causing me pain but he never stopped.* He asked if I was ok a lot during and I mumbled "hmmmm", but a brain dead monkey could see I was in agony and wasn't enjoying it. He continued to completion and told me he was sorry a bit after. Still never touched or held me while we were going to sleep together.
> 
> Like I've said, he is not being denied his sex. He gets it. It's that I don't want to, most of the time.


So strong is the urge to get rid of that one ounce of semen/sperm.

Some men will rape to squirt it.

And some will kill.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the "price" of survival of the species.

Look at the lower animals, say Big Horn Sheep. The males run at each other at full speed. Slam their heads together. For what?
*So that they are the ones delivering the sperm!*

Ain't life grand!

I must admit..........release does feel damn good! No head bashing, please.

Oh God, next post please.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Lila said:


> The reason that you continue to feel resentment towards him is that he has shown you he has no intent of stopping his sh1tty behavior. He then uses disingenuous apologies to keep you in line.
> 
> *As long as you continue to accept this behavior, he'll continue to do it. * Learn to respect yourself, learn to set boundaries, and drop the rose-colored glasses. You need to see your fiancee for exactly the kind of man he is. Only then can you decide if he is really as good as you claim he is.


This is Blunt.....AND VERY TRUE

We teach people how to treat us. We do this everyday....without even noticing. He needs re-training. You can do this.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

aine said:


> I cannot get over the many posters on here that present the male sexual urge as something he has no control over.
> FFS! *have men never heard of self-control, they are not dogs that must do it when the urge strikes.* If that was the case then there is little to differentiate this type of thinking from the thinking in the country I live in that its ok for certain religions to have more than one wife because the man MUST (at all costs) have his sexual urges satiated. (never mind the consequences)
> 
> 
> ...


Understand...most men are fountains of self-control. If we weren't....the world would be a very very different place. 

This isn't an issue of self-control....This is about respect and basic decency. OP's H...is lacking in both. This isn't about sex. IMO, sex is merely the symptom. The entire dynamic of the situation is just....sideways.....It doesn't make sense in the context of how OP describes other aspects of her H.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

OP - my H spent our entire marriage threatening to leave me if I didn't have sex with him at least once a day. When I started bleeding at 5 months pregnant and almost miscarried and got put on bed rest with no physical activity including sex, he insisted on it anyway and when I refused to risk the baby for his selfish urges he went out and found himself a f*** buddy. When the delivery went bad and I ended up being told not to have sex for at least another six months due to vaginal tearing, he left permanently.

If I had put my foot down sooner in the marriage instead of giving in to him, maybe he would have learned to respect me and we would have been in a better place later to work things out. So what I'd say to you is don't let him continue to get away with this because the more you give in, the more he will take advantage. You need to give him a reason to learn to respect you!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hellomynameis said:


> OP - my H spent our entire marriage threatening to leave me if I didn't have sex with him at least once a day. When I started bleeding at 5 months pregnant and almost miscarried and got put on bed rest with no physical activity including sex, he insisted on it anyway and when I refused to risk the baby for his selfish urges he went out and found himself a f*** buddy. When the delivery went bad and I ended up being told not to have sex for at least another six months due to vaginal tearing, he left permanently.
> 
> If I had put my foot down sooner in the marriage instead of giving in to him, maybe he would have learned to respect me and we would have been in a better place later to work things out.


Holy crap what a POS. The best way to deal with this type of behaviour is to get rid of the perpetrator. I highly doubt anything YOU had done would have suddenly turned him into a respectable human being.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hellomynameis said:


> OP - *my H spent our entire marriage threatening to leave me if I didn't have sex with him at least once a day. When I started bleeding at 5 months pregnant and almost miscarried and got put on bed rest with no physical activity including sex, he insisted on it anyway and when I refused to risk the baby for his selfish urges he went out and found himself a f*** buddy.* When the delivery went bad and I ended up being told not to have sex for at least another six months due to vaginal tearing, he left permanently.
> 
> If I had put my foot down sooner in the marriage instead of giving in to him, maybe he would have learned to respect me and we would have been in a better place later to work things out. So what I'd say to you is don't let him continue to get away with this because the more you give in, the more he will take advantage. You need to give him a reason to learn to respect you!


WOW....This just seems outrageous. I mean...MrsmarriedDude...hell, I would have expected a Bat to the Dome....at best...and a Knife stick wake up at worst. How have these guys survived?


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> WOW....This just seems outrageous. I mean...MrsmarriedDude...hell, I would have expected a Bat to the Dome....at best...and a Knife stick wake up at worst. How have these guys survived?


In my ex's case, at least in part due to wealth. Which he didn't have yet when we were together. But he has no problem finding women now who are willing to put up with the fact that he is an obese, unattractive bore. Several hundred grand a year and the status of a Fortune 500 executive position will get you a lot of sex.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is absolutely horrible of him.





Hellomynameis said:


> OP - my H spent our entire marriage threatening to leave me if I didn't have sex with him at least once a day. When I started bleeding at 5 months pregnant and almost miscarried and got put on bed rest with no physical activity including sex, he insisted on it anyway and when I refused to risk the baby for his selfish urges he went out and found himself a f*** buddy. When the delivery went bad and I ended up being told not to have sex for at least another six months due to vaginal tearing, he left permanently.
> 
> If I had put my foot down sooner in the marriage instead of giving in to him, maybe he would have learned to respect me and we would have been in a better place later to work things out. So what I'd say to you is don't let him continue to get away with this because the more you give in, the more he will take advantage. You need to give him a reason to learn to respect you!


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> WOW....This just seems outrageous. I mean...MrsmarriedDude...hell, I would have expected a Bat to the Dome....at best...and a Knife stick wake up at worst. How have these guys survived?


in my es's case, it was the frog in a pot of water, and trauma bonding, and manipulation.
and sleep deprivation.

it's difficult to stick up for yourself against someone you love. And people that take look for givers, on purpose.

Treat yourself better OP. look out for yourself. I wish someone had told me to do that years ago. There might have been something left to save.

and maybe get some counseling or find a friend you trust to confide in and bounce things off of. Get together for a girls night, take time for yourself. Tell fiance that this is mandatory. 
Especially with abuse in your past,abuse can be normalized. You may not notice that your fiancee's behavior isn't normal, if poor treatment is normal to you.


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