# Venting: eggshells



## k.m (May 18, 2009)

I hate, hate, hate my husband's tantrums.

I hate that living with him is almost identical to the environment I had at home as a child: you just never know which person you're going to encounter, at any given time (I think my mom was borderline, and my dad was closet alcoholic so, between the both of them, home was NOT a stable place). 

I can wake up in the a.m. in a perfectly agreeable mood, after a fairly decent day together and -- next thing I know, he's in the other room, throwing something and swearing at it. I have no idea what, or why.

I know that I'm supposed to teach myself to ignore this -- that this is NOT my problem. But I hate HIM for being so friggin' unpredictable, and immature. I cannot HELP but feel my heart skip a beat when these tantrums occur. I know my past doesn't have to affect me, but it does, and I'm thrown back to hiding in the closet with my sister while an argument raged in the other room. We could hear it coming, and dreaded it. I can hear him being childish, and dread it.

It's never directed at me. That's great - but he uses that as an excuse to NOT stop it. 

I've been given the advice that it is, at these times, that I should become "sweetness and light" and try to "charm" him out of his moods. Why is that my job? Last thing I feel, when I hear something sail across the room and the swearing at inanimate objects begin, is like being sweet to him. I feel like punching him in the face and telling him to act like a man.

Okay - done venting.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You need to punch him in the face and tell him to act like man. Seriously. There's nothing sexier than a grown man throwing a temper tantrum....insert sarcasm here....

Why would you even consider enabling that behavior? It's a love killer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My ex was somewhat abusive, so I tend to want to back off very far at the first hint of anger in a man, be it my boyfriend, my father, or a male friend, even when the anger has nothing to do with me. So, I know how you feel with that dread. 

I'm not so sure the "sweetness and light" and "charming" him out of this mood is a good idea. I know, for my boyfriend, it would only make it worse. Then he would be mad at me, even if he wasn't before. He prefers to just be left alone when he's in a bad mood. Unlike your husband, though, he doesn't throw things or yell or swear or anything like that. 

I have to wonder if your husband really understands how this makes you feel. I would try, when he's not in one of those moods, and preferably not right after he's been in one, sitting down with him and explaining to him (again, if you already have, which I assume you have) exactly what your childhood was like and that his behavior throws you right back to that. I'd even go so far as to tell him that when he acts like that, you really dread it and don't like him. 

I know one of my closest friends left her husband for the exact situation you describe your husband doing. She left him back in October and they talked the other day about what they were going to do about their relationship. She told him, very plainly, that she would not under any circumstances even consider coming back to him until he got counseling for his anger issues. Her husband had, in the months she's been gone, finally realized that his anger was out of control and that he needs to change that. 

Maybe your husband needs a wake up call like that. Not necessarily leaving (unless that's what you want) but a drastic change to the dynamic that lets him know that you can't take this anymore and he's got to stop.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Does he know how you feel about this?

How certain and secure are you that it will not at some point be directed at you?--not like he'll throw something AT you or hit you, but that he'll lose his temper out of anger at you.

It's not your "job" to be sweetness and light to charm him out of his tantrum. Sure, if it came naturally to you to laugh at him, that would be great; but that's not what it sounds like. 

You're not responsible for his feelings and reactions, and it sounds like you know that. 

And while he, likewise, isn't responsible for YOUR feelings, he is showing a lack of self-control that's contributing to an environment you find scary, and that you hate. 

Are you afraid of his reaction to your telling him how his tantrums make you feel?


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> You need to punch him in the face and tell him to act like man. Seriously. There's nothing sexier than a grown man throwing a temper tantrum....insert sarcasm here....
> 
> Why would you even consider enabling that behavior? It's a love killer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


FWIW I think this is totally legit behavior if you are repairing machinery or digging ditches.

And he's just showing his Alpha Male African Floodplains Primal Rage Killer Ape Strength™, girls think it's super-sexy.



> living with him is almost identical to the environment I had at home as a child... I know that I'm supposed to teach myself to ignore this -- *that this is NOT my problem*.


This is true! His anger isn't your problem (in fact, he knows well enough to protect you from it), but your fear/anger/avoidance-feelings *are* your problem. Do you think if he was never angry again that those feelings on your part would go away? It's probably why you stay with him. All this could one day become a strength.



> I've been given the advice that it is, at these times, that I should become "sweetness and light" and try to "charm" him out of his moods.


I do not believe that this is necessarily enabling the behavior, but dimes to donuts says that unless your husband is very self-aware (and if he's throwing **** he almost by definition won't be ATM), it's not going to matter as far as stopping it. Who told you this? A Ph.D. psychologist or a B.A. "Pastoral" counselor? Random people? My suspicion is that what these people are trying to tell you is that when someone confronts you with rage, one way to deflect them is to make pithy comments, you know, to 'communicate' to the rager that they aren't 'communicating'. This is somewhere in the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, but if you ask me it's a bunch of BS.



> Why is that my job?


It's not. Have you tried letting him know, calmly, when things are safe, that you really want him to get help about this? Or maybe let him know that you didn't have a safe childhood, and that his rage is painful for you and causes you to close off to him? That it threatens you relationship? That he needs to "take repsonsibility" for it?

Be careful w/ how you word "take responsibility", though. Most of the time when we hear the phrase used it means "poor black babies should starve to death", or "Jesus wants me to hit you with my cane across the face when you don't finish you dinner". IOW, it's a charged term. "Assume ownership and self-awareness" could be a better alternative. IDK, I can't tell, but for a long time when people said "responsibility" to me I stopped listening: "Responsible? For my feelings? You mean like paying the rent and bills on time and not showing up late for work or hungover? I've got that covered, man."

Part of the thing is that he's not acting ape**** *at* you. So it makes it hard for him to realize he's doing wrong because it's "victimless". I might suggest that you and he both work on something of a codeword for when he's raging. Use it and then you leave the house and hide his remote control or something, so that there is some obvious consequence for his actions.



> I feel like punching him in the face


Aha! Now it all shows up.

You *know* intellectually that you're not supposed to get worried or care, but you do, because it reminds you of home. You even know what your issues are! And your husband knows behaviorally that he's not supposed to attack people verbally or physically. Whether or not he knows why he acts that way is another matter.

So you are actually doing pretty good. The thing is that both of you are going to have to open up to the actual hurts that lead to you feeling the ways you do. I doubt this would happen outside of individual counseling... if you grew up in an 'unsafe' home you need counseling, too.

Also, drugs. Visiting a psychiatrist (*not* a GP unless you want to become a guinea pig for the latest ineffectual "atypical" "next generation" antidepressant) will do wonders. Get tested for ADD (including ADD-I, "inattentive", not just ADHD), possibly OCD (I'm not sure what drugs are used in treatment of this) and depression. These might just be bandaids, but it's better to bandage a wound and clean it occasionally than just let it fester.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I'm not so sure the "sweetness and light" and "charming" him out of this mood is a good idea. I know, for my boyfriend, it would only make it worse. Then he would be mad at me, even if he wasn't before. He prefers to just be left alone when he's in a bad mood.


This. I think it *might* be possible to soothe someone raging like this, but you would need to know them very very well and really it's not your responsibility. So unless you like playing with fire, don't.

OTOH if it's possible for him to learn to self-soothe it may then be possible to soothe him, but again, it's not your responsibility. If he can keep from yelling and throwing ****, he can get distance away from everyone or withdraw somewhere until he can calm down.

Sorry my first post was devoid of any empathy. I'm sorry to the OP and anyone else who's had to put up with this. It's hard to have to face this sort of fear and threat. It's damaging and stressful, to say the least. It's especially hard to want to help and to know that ultimately we can't and shouldn't.


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