# Am I really acting crazy?



## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

My husband and have been together almost ten years. We were high school sweethearts five years before that and split up because he wanted to...well, you know...the usual. We both married other people and had children of our own. Then we got back together and had three more children. Fast forward to now where we have six children total. We have always struggled. He has always been very jealous and very controlling which made for a lot of fighting when I was the one on the work scene. He also struggles with alcoholism and sex addiction. He feels that he has made a lot of progress (he hasn't gotten any dui's. He hasn't had sex with anyone lately, and he no longer breaks things). Thus, he has decided that he wants to make friends with a bunch of his employees who are half his age. These kids, both girls and guys are no older than 21 (11 years younger than he), he buys them alcohol, they text and e-mail eachother, all of which he deletes. I have beggedhim to not continue the relationship. He refuses. He says that he is a grown man and he is tired of having to live hislife under someone's thumb. He says that he has reached a point in his life where he is going to do whatever the hell he wants. If I don't like it, I can pack my things and leave (without the children). He swears that I am completely over reacting and am just being cruel by not letting him have a life. I have tried to talk about this with him in so many different ways, my head is spinning. Yet, he still insists that I am just acting ridiculous. Is this kind of behavior ok? Am I asking too much of him to not have these kinds of friends. He's upset because I don't trust him, but why should I trust him when he does nothing but lie to me?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jealous and controlling but won’t be controlled by you. Improved, hasn’t gotten any DUI’s??? He lies, breaks the law by buying alcohol for minors. What if one of them wraps their car around a pole on his booze? He’s a train wreck waiting to happen. Leave him and take the kids with you. Then he can do whatever the hell he wants and not drag you and the kids down with him.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:
You shouldn't have to treat him like a child and lay down rules for not drinking and sleeping around. That's ridiculous & if he is in his 30's and hasn't matured enough to want to step up and do these things for himself (sounds more like he's just trying to pacify you so and use it as his reasons for his other inappropriate behavior) he should be the one to leave so you can raise your kids in a nurturing environment.


----------



## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Let me start by saying I do agree, you are NOT being unreasonable, or asking for too much.

I think this situation is pretty simple actually. He has made a stand, and pretty much said "take it or leave it". So you have two choices -- take it, or leave it.

First of all, understand where he is coming from. He does NOT view any of his behavior as wrong or irrational. He does believe he has improved, and he believes he is old enough to not be ruled, and works hard and has earned the right to have what he wants.

Please understand these are VERY valid feelings. I'm pretty close to doing something similar with my gf (I'm a grown man, so stop acting like my mom, or leave). Men above all do not want to feel like their wives are "in control" of them. Men get fed up with being punished for doing things they feel are perfectly reasonable.

So he is taking a stand, probably because he is pretty sure that you will put up with it.

Unfortunately, I think your only choice (if you do not agree) is to leave. Tell him that you respect that his beliefs are rational to him, but that you do not want to live your life that way, and you will be leaving. You can then fight over the kids.

Let me reinforce that I believe in this case that challenging what he is doing as "right" or "wrong" is a waste of your time and energy.

I believe, very firmly, that many people believe their own beliefs are perfectly rational, even though you and I know that if you asked 20 people on the street, 19 of them would say "he's crazy!". He just does NOT believe he is wrong, nor will any amount of factual or emotional arguing change his stance.

Offer him a counter-ultimatum, because he's already given you one, and ultimatums end relationships. "If you don't change, I'm gone".

It'll stink for a while, but you will feel OHHHH so free!

Best of luck.


----------



## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> Please understand these are VERY valid feelings. I'm pretty close to doing something similar with my gf (I'm a grown man, so stop acting like my mom, or leave). Men above all do not want to feel like their wives are "in control" of them. Men get fed up with being punished for doing things they feel are perfectly reasonable.
> 
> Unfortunately, I think your only choice (if you do not agree) is to leave. Tell him that you respect that his beliefs are rational to him, but that you do not want to live your life that way, and you will be leaving. You can then fight over the kids.
> QUOTE]
> ...


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Because it's fun, and because he can. Responsibilities of supporting a family and raising children can be difficult but that is where his focus should be if he really is a 'grown' man as he says.


----------



## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

swedish said:


> Because it's fun, and because he can. Responsibilities of supporting a family and raising children can be difficult but that is where his focus should be if he really is a 'grown' man as he says.



So, do I just wait it out and hope he gets it out of his system? He did marry young (18 and became a father right away), but he and 1st wife were crazy. They had an open marriage, they smoked, drank, and partied the entire time. After we got married, he boxed for two years, tended bar, joined a fraternity, and even went to Baghdad for a year (which is considered fun for my husband, don't ask). What more does he have to do before he's done reliving his teenage years?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

He may never grow up...To be honest, if it were me, I'd leave him. It will either shock him enough to change his behavior or he will go on the way he always has...but at least you have a shot of him straightening out his act...Otherwise, he doesn't sound like he's willing to change any of this current behavior. I personally, couldn't live with it.


----------



## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

You knew what you were getting into when you married this guy. Now you want him to change. A very common mistake. Not being judgemental of you. who would want to put up with this b.s.? for some reason you choose to overlook it. This guy likes his lifestyle a certain way. Accept it or get out.


----------



## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

brad said:


> You knew what you were getting into when you married this guy. Now you want him to change. A very common mistake. Not being judgemental of you. who would want to put up with this b.s.? for some reason you choose to overlook it. This guy likes his lifestyle a certain way. Accept it or get out.


Actually, I didn't know what he was like. When we got back together, he made it seem like his crazy life was his wife's doing. He said that he wanted to live a normal life, be good husband, and a good father. I believed him. When things got difficult, I just figured that old habits die hard. As long as he wanted to change, I was willing to be patient. Now, it's like we're full circle. He doesn't want to be normal. He wants to party while I take care of his kids. I understand that the most likely answer is for me to leave. If it were that simple, I wouldn't even be here right now. I love him. I love our children. I don't want our kids to have to be split up from eachother. There has to be another way.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

madamewuzzle said:


> I understand that the most likely answer is for me to leave. If it were that simple, I wouldn't even be here right now. I love him. I love our children. I don't want our kids to have to be split up from eachother. There has to be another way.


If someone had of asked me if i'd stick around in the situation im in right now i would have told them they were crazy. but like you said, once you are in the situation it is rarely that simple. I've decided to stay and i have pretty much dropped whatever his issues are. i dont focus on him anymore. i dont ask him to change anymore. I tell him once about how his behavior is affecting me and then i put up boundaries to protect myself-regardless of whether he says he will change or not. I have emotionally and physically separated from him. I did a lot of reading on boundaries and how to protect myself in an abusive situation. My boundaries will slowly come down when he actually _shows_ me that he's emotionally matured. 

So if you are going to stay I think you outta do a lot of reading about how to recognize and construct healthy boundaries for yourself.


----------



## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> If someone had of asked me if i'd stick around in the situation im in right now i would have told them they were crazy. but like you said, once you are in the situation it is rarely that simple. I've decided to stay and i have pretty much dropped whatever his issues are. i dont focus on him anymore. i dont ask him to change anymore. I tell him once about how his behavior is affecting me and then i put up boundaries to protect myself-regardless of whether he says he will change or not. I have emotionally and physically separated from him. I did a lot of reading on boundaries and how to protect myself in an abusive situation. My boundaries will slowly come down when he actually _shows_ me that he's emotionally matured.
> 
> So if you are going to stay I think you outta do a lot of reading about how to recognize and construct healthy boundaries for yourself.


Boundaries...okay, where do I start?


----------



## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

madamewuzzle said:


> Actually, I didn't know what he was like. When we got back together, he made it seem like his crazy life was his wife's doing. He said that he wanted to live a normal life, be good husband, and a good father. I believed him. When things got difficult, I just figured that old habits die hard. As long as he wanted to change, I was willing to be patient. Now, it's like we're full circle. He doesn't want to be normal. He wants to party while I take care of his kids. I understand that the most likely answer is for me to leave. If it were that simple, I wouldn't even be here right now. I love him. I love our children. I don't want our kids to have to be split up from eachother. There has to be another way.


I didnt mean it to sound so simple for you. I have a lot of empathy for someone who is simply doing her best in a bad situation. You see outside of your own needs with having kids and all. 

I wish you well in a difficult situation. The only thing I would say is in the end your kids are more hardy then you think. They will tell you when they are adults that they would have prefered you apart and happy then togeather and miserable. Easy for me to say this. We all handle things differently.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

madamewuzzle said:


> Boundaries...okay, where do I start?


Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

this website is a good place to start. 

http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html

if you scroll down this website until you see an exercise labled 'figure 1' and it has some circles, you should do that exercise. it helped me tremendously. sometimes we think our spouses _should_ be in our inner circle of confidence because they are our spouse. but establishing boundaries means recognizing who has earned the rights to which of your emotions. just because he is your spouse doesnt mean he _should_ be granted access to your inner most circle. he has to earn it. talking to him about how you are feeling constantly will only hurt you more because you are expecting him to be in a part of your circle that he has not earned. He will disregard your feelings. but once you recognize what part of your circle he has earned, you can start portraying the appropriate emotions, one's he will be able to handle.

I've come to find that my spouse is now in my outter most circle, and that is ok. it doesnt mean he's a horrible person or that its the end of our marriage. he can still be my spouse and not be in my inner most circle. its just a cycle to work through.


----------



## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

These are great resources, ltj. Thanks.


----------



## jennyc (Aug 27, 2008)

I don't think that's being unreasonable in all. I think you need to make a decision though, and I agree with the one who said give him an ultimatum now and turn the tables around. It doesn't seem to me like he'd be quick to change


----------

