# At my wit's end



## RainyDayz83 (Jun 7, 2008)

Hello, ladies/gents.

I came across this forum while searching for answers. Of course, in reality I already know what I need to do, but it still is good to get some affirmation from others.

For starters: my husband & I have been together for other 4 years now & have been married for less than one of those years. I've never been truly happy in the relationship to begin with, and please don't bash me for saying that. I know I'm in the wrong & I have come to terms with such. But this is what happens in an abusive relationship. Not a physical one, b/c from day one I told him, should he EVER lay a hand on me, I'd be gone! However, it is a mentally abusive relationship. He's great at playing mind games & miscontrueing my words to his advantage. One minute I'm done w/the relationship & the next, I'm forgiving him. I think, for the most part, it's b/c I can't stand the constant fighting & belittling!

At least, now I know I'm in an abusive relationship. Before I was shown signs of such, I was living in denial. Thinking I was in the wrong... I was doing something that was making him so angry. And in truth, it wasn't. All of his ways comes from a less than happy childhood (of which he told me when we met)... his mother is incredibly weird & seems to love her animals more than her children. But that's besides the point...

All of our fights are started by him & end with him. I feel like just a pawn in his little game. I go above & beyond to please him, but to no avail. Now, I'm not trying to pull the "Woe is Me" card... obviously nobody's perfect & I'm far from it... but this is NOT a healthy relationship!

Our last BIG fight was actually on my B-Day last year. A couple of co-workers wanted to take me out & buy me a few drinks. Innocent, right? And it was. Now, considering my previous tries to hang out w/my friends, I immediately asked him TWO weeks in advance if I could go. He was seemingly fine w/it. The time came to go out & all of a sudden Dr. Jekyll revealed himself! He said - "Go enjoy f**king whoever you're f**king!" What the? Where did that come from buddy? 

Fast forward to this past week. I came across the inbox of his cell phone - actually by accident. I don't snoop, b/c I had no reason to not trust him. I was waiting for him in his truck & figured I'd play a game while I waited. Well, I must've hit a menu button more than once & I came to his text messages. I remember it plain as day -- there were 22 texts in his inbox. All from another girl. So I read those he sent too. Basically they were discussing getting together. And he also must have told her how I may take a new overnight position at work (of which he was elated about!)... she even knew my name! She stated that it would be awesome when I started this, then she'd come & sleep with him! WTF?! Always the one to accuse me of cheating & now you are?! 

You'd think I'd be upset... but I really wasn't. I was kinda relieved. Ahh.. finally a way out. I'd call him on it & that would be it. But, no... stupid me. I listen to his story & forgive him like an idiot!

Now, some of you may be thinking. Stop being a wimp - get out now! Just leave! But it's not that simple. Those of you in an abusive relationship know this. You feel like it's your fault that he's the way he is... you must be doing something wrong. I know, deep-down this isn't true... but for piece of mind. I need to do it my way & when I'm ready. 

My questions are for those of you that have either a.) been through this, b.) are going through it or c.) men - as I'd like to hear your perspective. 

What steps are you taking to ending this relationship? I just want to move on & get back to a NORMAL life! Many of our fights have ended in him crying & begging for forgiveness... w/out me in his life, he doesn't know what he would do. What do you say to that? God! I know he's the type to do something stupid, like kill himself if I left him. I can't have THAT on my conscious for the rest of my life... but I can't stay in this predicament either! Help, please. Should I just get out for my own sanity & leave it at that? I'm to the point where I'm ready, but I DO care about him & don't want him killing himself!

*sighs* Why are women so complicated?! *LOL* Better yet - why do I have to have empathy for others? I take into consideration HIS feelings rather than my own!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here is a list of the things I’d consider verbally abusive.

I) Ridicule your core beliefs or who you are.

II) Humiliate you privately or in public.

III) Keeps you from friends or family.

V) Severe mood swings.

VI) Controlling of situations like money.

VII) Threatens to leave, or hurt you.

VIII) Abuse of something you care about (child, pet etc.)

IX) Manipulation with lies

X) Threatens to throw you out

XI) Controls what you wear and how you look

XII) Hits objects

XIII) Questions your every move and motive

XIV) Insulting to disability or medical conditions

XV) Using words to shame you

XVI) Yelling, swearing and screaming.

XVII) Using rage to cause fear

XVIII) Act different in public then in private.

draconis


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## RainyDayz83 (Jun 7, 2008)

From your list, Draconis, the following refers to him:

II) Humiliate you privately or in public.
III) Keeps you from friends.
V) Severe mood swings.
VI) Controlling of situations like money.
VIII) Abuse of something you care about (child, pet etc.)
IX) Manipulation with lies
X) Threatens to throw you out
XI) Controls what you wear and how you look
XII) Hits objects
XIII) Questions your every move and motive
XV) Using words to shame you
XVI) Yelling, swearing and screaming.
XVII) Using rage to cause fear
XVIII) Act different in public then in private.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I am so sorry to hear that. Remebe you deserve better then living like this. No one should ever be treated this way.


draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

RainyDayz83 said:


> why do I have to have empathy for others? I take into consideration HIS feelings rather than my own!


I think many times having empathy towards someone that is abusive occurs when you don't feel you deserve anything better for yourself. I think this can get worse over time as you start to believe some of what the abuser is saying about you. 

Have you ever talked to a therapist/counselor on your own? It might help you to gain the strength to do what you need to for yourself without all of the guilt you are currently feeling.

If you are seriously considering getting out, I would start keeping track of his episodes...write down dates/times and details.

I hope you gain the strength you need to be happy.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

swedish said:


> I think many times having empathy towards someone that is abusive occurs when you don't feel you deserve anything better for yourself. I think this can get worse over time as you start to believe some of what the abuser is saying about you.


Absolutely. Women who have a strong self concept typically don't end up in this kind of dynamic - although it's not impossible. There can be a high level of manipulation that occurs by the abuser - a slow and systematic psychological and emotional degredation. It does get worse over time as a result of "crazymaking" where he starts to have you questioning your own perceptions of what's happened and questioning whether it's really your fault. 

Rally your support network - friends, family, etc. You might need their help now. Unfortunately, it probably won't get better until he admits he's behaving in such a way. The problem is he's likely doing so out of his own self esteem problems and desperate need for control - fear of abandonment which he likely isn't aware of himself right now. Alas, it gets quite complicated. 

At the end of the day be mindful of what you want and need. His returning to you with tears and apologies is part of the classic abusive dynamic. It's a cycle that goes round and round. Good luck getting off the ride - find a therapist if you can to help you sort through. If you are fearful for your safety and need help getting out call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

Hey RainyDayz - it sounds like you do actually have your eyes open as to what is going on, and that's a step above so many people in similar situations.

When I was 20 I finally got out of a 5-year relationship with my high-school sweetheart. I'd tried a few times during the years to end it, but nothing really worked (lots of promises from his side). I never really realized that it was 'abusive' because he never physically hurt me...pretty dumb I guess. Only after I did manage to get out of it did my friends and family begin opening my eyes as to what was really going on. 

How did I finally get out of it? I met someone else and over a period of six months fell in love with him - through him i felt what respect was and got a lot of strength in that.

My ex figured out that something was going on, and so I finally told him. That night was *hell*. He even got out a gun, held it crying, and told me he was going to kill himself. At that point I said every lie in the book ("we can work it out, put it away, I do still love you, give us some time") in order to get him to put it away. He did, and the next day I came home to find a spotless room, bed made, everything cleaned up, and a love card from him. It didn't make it easier, and I think I told him that it was basically too little too late (the worst was over for me, after the episode with the gun I knew he wouldn't do anything). Within a week he'd moved out.

My 3 best friends stuck to me and told me how much more they liked me after he and I had broken up. He didn't follow me anymore, I didn't have a curfew, he didn't pick me up from friends' houses.

It did hurt not to have him there anymore, but I found me again, and no one will ever talk to me the way he did.

I don't know if my story can help you at all - be strong!


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## RainyDayz83 (Jun 7, 2008)

Thank you all. I know what needs to be done, I just gotta do it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I had the extreme displeasure of watching someone I respect go down a hell-hole, in her effort to 'save' and 'fix' an addict. She very nearly lost everyone else in her life that loved her. This was a highly intelligent, capable and independent woman. She became disturbingly co-dependent, to the point that she eventually had nothing but disdain for this man - but stayed anyway. His ability to manipulate her was frightening. 

There is far, far, better out there waiting for you. Step out the door, close it behind you, and take a look around.


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## nursekris88 (May 17, 2008)

All I can say is I was in the same boat, 18 years ago, and just NOW getting out of my relationship with my husband. If you aren't happy now, my first advice is to get counseling. But if your heart isn't in it, nor has ever been? Then get out now, before you are more years into it, with children involved. My husband is controlling too, and I have been beat down mentally, its time to stand strong, and move forward mainly because the entire family is miserable, and we are ruining our children's, and our lives due to our discontentment.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I hope you can let us know from time to time how you are doing.

I wish you the best and pray for you.

draconis


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