# Wife asked for separation before admitting to kissing another man



## ThrownAway074119 (Aug 8, 2021)

Two weeks ago, my (M37) wife (F33) of more than seven years asked me for a separation. 

Although it came somewhat out of the blue, it was preceded by about seven weeks of terrible communication, tensions related to her work, her being physically and emotionally absent from the home and household duties (kids, little things, etc.)

It was all sparked by one incident in which I completely lost my cool and yelled at her inside my vehicle not knowing her co-worker was in earshot. While this is the first incident of me snapping at her like this, it was one of those “straw that broke the camels back” incidents. I was already having a bad day and it came after months of her being forgetful, unengaged with household activities and children, and her basically acting like a slave to her job. To the point where I told her it’s OK to quit, that we’d be OK. Even still, I acknowledged my mistake and immediately took steps to rectify the situation by entering anger management counseling, which I felt was going well and has been extremely helpful. I’ve been a better man since that happened. (FTR, I’ve never physically hit her. That’s not me. My anger comes out in words, which is something my counselor is helping me with.)

Unfortunately, between us, nothing has been the same since. She began to wall herself off from me. We talked less. We had sex maybe twice. She even began distancing herself from our two children, who are both under 5 years old. This left me to carry most of the load for the two kids. Friends saw this and both our families saw this, and have commented on it to me.

She asked me for the separation on a Sunday night. She had been basically out of the house all week. Should come home, and say “I have to go to the gym,” or “I’m going to my friend X’s house.” She later admitted that she had been doing those things but also just sitting in her car in parking lots and thinking about our marriage. So she had all this planned. 

She said wanted to split up our bank accounts and that she would be moving out soon, and that she’d like to split the kid time 50/50. Her reasonings were because we are “too different,” that I have prioritized the kids over her (partially true), that the yelling incident made her see me in a totally different light, and that she feels like she is not the person she was when she met me. She said she doesn’t completely like the person she is and wants to reset her life to become more like she was when she was in her 20s when she met me. I begged her to go to counseling with me and even told her that I agreed with her on some of those statements, and told her that obviously I’m working to change my self and improve myself, and that it’s working. She refused to do counseling. I feel like she is scared of counseling and that she is having an identity crisis coupled with depression. 

The next week was absolute hell for me. I began planning for divorce. I basically gave up on my job for the week, which my boss was cool with considering the circumstances. I limped to the finish line on Friday. I then took the kids and went to my parents place over the weekend, and recharged.

The following Monday night, we sat down and talked under the auspices of figuring out what to do with school, daycare, money, church, etc. We ended up talking for nearly 3 hours. She acknowledged her faults. I acknowledged mine. I told her I still loved her very much. That I wanted to fight for her. That I wanted to fight for our family. That I wanted to save everything we have built together. 

But that’s the big shoe dropped. 

For about three months, she had been briefly talking about some guy she was working with. Now, because she works in a female-dominated field, I didn’t pay much attention to it. Most of the guys I know there aren’t your typical alpha males or players. And because my wife has always been someone who preached loyalty and never cheating, (so much so that she said she would take everything I had if I ever did.) I took it all with a grain of salt and gave her a little crap about it, and that was the end of it. Nothing more. I never imagined she would tell me what she did next. 

She broke down crying and admitted that she has kissed this man twice. She wouldn’t speak more about the situation than that, other than she did it because I had made her feel less of a woman and he made her feel wanted. She said has broken it off with him and was ashamed of what she did. She asked for my forgiveness. I have not given her this yet. 

I asked her if it was more than kissing and she vehemently said no. I still don’t know if I believe her. She says this guy and her have a lot in common (they work in the same field, obviously), that he made her laugh and that he made her feel pretty, and that’s why she kissed him. I was floored. I have never done anything in our relationship to make her feel unwanted, at least in my POV. I have never been unfaithful, and there have been temptations. I barely even talk to other women who aren’t at work or part of our couple friends circle. I think the first thing I replied was, “And he knew you were married. So that’s the type of person he is.” I didn’t downgrade her for doing what she did. But I tried to make her see the kind of person he is for doing what he did. 

This week, she will be moving out and we will be living separately, and we will be splitting the time with the kids. This was her choice. I gave her the choice to stay, even after the kiss admission. I did this for our children, and to try and work it out. We have been cordial this week. She has in recent days said she wants to work it out and wants to end up together. 

What the hell am I supposed to do? We both have so much to lose in a divorce, including the time with the kids. Before the one incident and her admission to cheating, we had seven years of what people would think is a near-perfect marriage. I feel that her kissing this guy was her way to get back at me for my yelling incident.

Part of me wants to forgive her and try to work it out, but only if she comes to counseling, and pulls the weight on her end to patch things up. Part of me wants to ask the cute divorcee at my work who always flirts with me to go have a drink and talk about our situations. I know she’s going to see this guy at work still. It’s a big place, but still… I don’t want to be forever worried that she’s going to cheat on me with this ****er (or someone else) again.

I still love this woman with all my heart. She’s the mother to my children. She has always been my one person. My heart tells me to save the marriage, but head tells me to file start prepping for divorce.

Does anyone have any advice?

TL;DR: My wife of seven years and mother to my two children asked for a separation after just a couple bad months of what I always felt near-perfect marriage. A week later she finally admitted she kissed another man. Do I try to save this marriage?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife has been having an affair ever since you started noticing things were “off”.
She used the yelling incident to bail.
A separation is only for one thing: to test drive the other man. You’re now plan b at best.

advice: file for divorce. Go dark on her.
Act like she does not exist.
Don’t fall for the “we only kissed” line. Women don’t move out over a kiss. Ever since the sex slowed with you, it was going on with him. 

If you want her gone and to divorce her, don’t file. Act weak and try to be a good husband. Give her some space. Lol.

If you want a tiny chance if her coming back even though she has been having an affair, file for divorce and don’t be her safety net.
Good luck. Sorry this happened.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She says she wants to work it out and end up together but is still moving out? I didn't get that. 
It's your little ones she is hurting. They are both so small and are about to have their lives turned upside down. 
You mentioned church, could you both see either the pastor or an older couple you trust about all this?


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Sorry OP. Going through the same right now. It's crazy how common mine and your situation is. I'm reading your story and it sounds identical to mine. Don't "Fight" for anything. She needs to do all the lifting.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> I had made her feel less of a woman and he made her feel wanted.





ThrownAway074119 said:


> She asked for my forgiveness. I have not given her this yet.





ThrownAway074119 said:


> that he made her laugh and that he made her feel pretty, and that’s why she kissed him.





ThrownAway074119 said:


> I feel that her kissing this guy was her way to get back at me for my yelling incident.


 these are the 4 things i have taken out of your post 
now the first thing I think of is that the attraction for the guy goes back maybe more than the time you can now look back on as 7 months of not good , I would not be surprised if it was near a year , wan there more than a kiss i can't say for me the important thing was that "he made her feel wanted" that he made her laugh and that he made her feel pretty,"

the yelling at her was what showed her you had lost sight of her and that she had someone in her work that romanced
her and made her feel good , 
that you had started to take her for granted for a very long time , that you became just a husband someone that came home did your thing she did her thing and life had become automatic , the other guy made her feel like you made her feel when you first met 

both of you are have to be responsible for the blame here both let the light go out and the cold in , now that someone has turned on a lamp she is thinking she wants more 

you don't know what you want because today 'She asked for my forgiveness. I have not given her this yet.'
and I am not saying you should I am not saying you should not , WHAT i AM SAYING IS even if you find it in you to forgive her you need to look on how much you want this woman back , 
have you grown apart , are you just afraid of been alone , is this you reason for wanting to keep her , 

no point in been with someone because they are x y and z if you don't have the feeling of been wanted a person can tell you 1000 times they love you but if you don't feel loved it is no good , and many people that get divorced still love each other but the things that they are missing some things in the relationship , some times these are important things some times loss but it is that little extra 

I think she is doing the right thing moving out and you need to take the time to see what you want 
then work from there one way or the other , the only way too win her back is to show her that you can make her feel better and loved more than any other guy , if that is what you want , 

it would take a lot now to show her that you have changed , in a way you need to get to the point that you can thank that other guy for opening your eyes , 
it is a little like both went fishing in the same river , he had his hook baited and you had lost your hook and did not see it until it was to late


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

ThrownAway074119 said:


> She even began distancing herself from our two children, who are both under 5 years old.


I was prepared to respond one way until I read this. That's when red flags popping up everywhere. No woman begins to neglect her kids unless something else is going on...and by that, I mean she is having an affair. The children are her connection to you, so by ignoring them, she's putting you out of her mind too while she's out messing around with another guy. You confirmed this later in your post.



Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife has been having an affair ever since you started noticing things were “off”.
> She used the yelling incident to bail.
> A separation is only for one thing: to test drive the other man. You’re now plan b at best.
> 
> ...


This is 100% spot on. You are now Plan B and she has been planning this for a while. 

The question you have to ask yourself is will you accept your cheating wife back when she comes begging, saying she made a mistake, she loves you, blah blah blah. That will happen when (not if) the other man dumps her. Hopefully you will be a man and tell her to get lost. That's what I did and I never regretted the decision.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Update?


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