# No passionate kissing or oral sex in over 15 years



## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

My wife seems to have some type of oral aversion to kissing. Similarly, she had never given me a BJ in 20+ years of marriage. I truly believe she has a narcissistic type of disorder.

She will only kiss me with lips tightly closed. Any attempt at more...it feels like prying an oyster shell and she instantly retreats. I'm not some aggressive, sloppy kisser. It seems to be just a personal thing for her.

I don't have a hygiene issue. My breath is fine. I get hit on frequently by coworkers and such. I am confident. I am a provider with a good job. I am a good father. We have sex approximately weekly. She never really pursues sex but once it begins she moans and yells and orgasms 90% of the time. She doesn't ever flirt with me.

So foreplay ALWAYS consists of me giving her a massage OR we neglect foreplay altogether. I so miss the feel of a woman's lips..her breath on mine, the heavy breathing, the escalation...It just isn't there. Sex is okay, but vanilla. I find myself wanting to kiss women around me and I desire companionship with a woman which would consist of kissing and true intimacy.

I feel so very detached from her. Do other women have aversions to kissing? Other men in any type of similar situation?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Two question...have you asked her? and secondly if it bothers you so much why put up with it?


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Two question...have you asked her? and secondly if it bothers you so much why put up with it?


1) She has basically said kissing does nothing for her...that it was something to do in relationships before sex was permitted. She has said basically "Why kiss when you can have sex?"

2) I put up with it mostly because of our 3 kids. I nearly left her a few months ago. They are teens now and have all said in a round about way that they wouldn't fault me if I left her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In 20 years of marriage, have the two of you ever considered either marriage counseling(MC), individual counseling (IC), or sexual therapy(ST)?

If the answer to these questions is an unqualified "no," then exactly why have you persisted in putting up with this lifelong, abhorrent behavior of hers?*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is nothing wrong with her.

When God made humans, he made some hot, some warm, some cool, some ice-cubes.

You got a cool one. 

At some point, even the once-weekly sex will go south.

She will go from being a cool roommate to a, seemingly, alien life form.

More or less, life-less. Dispassionate.

Rarely, sometimes in their fifties, their belly button morphs into a hot button.

Rarely...

...................................................................................

I feel your pain.

I too love kissing.

Your mind aches. It has a sense of missing 'something' very wonderful.

You are going through one of the 'cycles'. Mid life crisis's.

It happens between 38 and 45 years of age. Some people cheat, some people divorce during this tumultuous period.
If you do not divorce, the mindset to do so persists. The seed has been planted.

It seems....
You are married to a bookkeeper and a cook, not a vibrant women.

Men, too, can be this way.... A cold wind on a summer day.

If you do divorce, do so sooner than later.

Life is so, so, short.




TH-


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Dr.D said:


> My wife seems to have some type of oral aversion to kissing. Similarly, she had never given me a BJ in 20+ years of marriage. I truly believe she has a narcissistic type of disorder.
> 
> She will only kiss me with lips tightly closed. Any attempt at more...it feels like prying an oyster shell and she instantly retreats. I'm not some aggressive, sloppy kisser. It seems to be just a personal thing for her.
> 
> ...


You just described my husband, only need to change the place of the wife and husband.


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *In 20 years of marriage, have the two of you ever considered either marriage counseling(MC), individual counseling (IC), or sexual therapy(ST)?
> 
> If the answer to these questions is an unqualified "no," then exactly why have you persisted in putting up with this lifelong, abhorrent behavior of hers?*


We did marriage counseling for a brief period because I insisted on it, and it was beneficial. The therapist essentially told me on the side things would not change much and to expect our marriage to be an ongoing struggle. Our oldest child mentioned to me the narcissistic behavior. I had always wondered about Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolarism, but after much research I do believe she is a cerebral narcissist. There are multiple other reasons I believe this... being somewhat asexual is a trait of that particular subtype of narcissism.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

A friend of mind tells me his wife is the same way. Not sure how passionate she is with kissing but they been together since high school and now married for nearly 20 years and she has never given him a BJ. He told me he has no idea what a BJ feels like and he is 45. They had some serious Marital issues in the past, they actually separated for a short time (few months). They are not the happiest married couple but even when things were great in earlier years she still never performed oral. It must be a phobia.


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

moon7 said:


> You just described my husband, only need to change the place of the wife and husband.


I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dr.D said:


> We did marriage counseling for a brief period because I insisted on it, and it was beneficial. The therapist essentially told me on the side things would not change much and to expect our marriage to be an ongoing struggle. Our oldest child mentioned to me the narcissistic behavior. I had always wondered about Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolarism, but after much research I do believe she is a cerebral narcissist. There are multiple other reasons I believe this... being somewhat asexual is a trait of that particular subtype of narcissism.


*Was she, in any way, this way during the timeframe of your dating/premarital relationship with her?*


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Was she, in any way, this way during the timeframe of your dating/premarital relationship with her?*


Yes, I realized she was very quirky about food, and textures and unwilling to try new things. She teased oral sex while dating by teasingly kissing or breathing over my crotch and such, but never engaged in oral sex. We did kiss passionately at times, but it stopped immediately upon marriage. With that she also quit essentially any form of affection for years and refused my sexual advances. But during our courting, what began as a cute romance actually turned into an obsession on her part...demanding my time always, being unrealistic if I needed to study rather than spend time with her, calling me at work every 30 minutes, and isolating me from my friends. I also learned she had serious financial woes right before marriage also and just an entitlement mentality overall. You would ask "Why did I marry her?" Well, it was complicated and if I share our unique details I fear I could give my identity away. I want to remain anonymous.

Looking back on it, filtered through what I know about narcissistic behavior, she built me up and then devalued me. This has been an ongoing issue for us. Publicly she will put on a certain "happiness" image, but privately she subverts the things I do or discourages me...to the point I do not share with her about the dreams I have, my accomplishments, or my passions as I feel she will only tear them down.

It seems like a mixed bag for her. She seems torn between wanting me to be successful and not wanting me to supercede her socially or professionally.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Rarely do I see situations as black and white...but to me it sounds like you wouldn't be happy even if the sex was better. With that said if you are unhappy its ok to file for divorce. I don't think she will change. 

The only thing I will say in her defense is your complaints about oral sex are kind of unfair. From what you are saying she never really actually did it even when dating you. Honestly I can't believe you put a ring on it if all she ever did was hover over the area and breathe on it. That sounds meaner than not doing it at all to me. It sounds tortuous actually.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Is it possible that your wife is on the Autism spectrum, OP? I know aversions to some textures, to certain foods, to kissing, to intimacy, can all be issues for those with high functioning ASD - what used to be called Asperger's. That same condition can lead to a lot of personality quirks that can come off as highly self-centered. Has she ever been evaluated?


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Is it possible that your wife is on the Autism spectrum, OP? I know aversions to some textures, to certain foods, to kissing, to intimacy, can all be issues for those with high functioning ASD - what used to be called Asperger's. That same condition can lead to a lot of personality quirks that can come off as highly self-centered. Has she ever been evaluated?


 Funny you mention that, because we have mentioned our oldest son has son mild autistic symptoms. As my daughter ages I am also noticing some kinda quirky traits like my wife...to the point I fear they could cause intimacy issues later in life for our daughter. My wife hates to hear someone chew, drives her up the wall. Apparently that condition is something people suffer with. She has not been evaluated, but some of the autistic spectrum stuff is similar to narcissism behaviors. My wife seems far more consistent with narcissist behavior IMO. I also believe her father is a narcissist. And narcissists tend to not go for counseling because everyone else is the problem. I had to threaten divorce to get her to go to marriage counseling years ago. A sex counselor would be awesome, but that is just not going to happen. Regardless, I don't think she would ever enjoy OS or passionate kissing which even if she did those things for me her lack of enjoyment of it takes the pleasure out of it for me.

And along with narcissist behavior has been a long line of financial infidelity (massive secret debt) on part of my wife. I don't want to get into that, but money is something I can never trust her regarding.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Dr.D said:


> I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.


Thank you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dr.D said:


> My wife seems to have some type of oral aversion to kissing. Similarly, she had never given me a BJ in 20+ years of marriage.....
> 
> .....So foreplay ALWAYS consists of me giving her a massage OR we neglect foreplay altogether. I so miss the feel of a woman's lips..her breath on mine, the heavy breathing, the escalation...It just isn't there. Sex is okay, but vanilla. I find myself wanting to kiss women around me and I desire companionship with a woman which would consist of kissing and true intimacy.
> 
> I feel so very detached from her. Do other women have aversions to kissing? *Other men in any type of similar situation?*





Dr.D said:


> 1) She has basically said *kissing does nothing for her...that it was something to do in relationships before sex was permitted. She has said basically "Why kiss when you can have sex?"
> *
> 2) *I put up with it* mostly because of our 3 kids. *I nearly left her a few months ago*. They are teens now and have all said in a round about way that they wouldn't fault me if I left her.





Dr.D said:


> We *did marriage counseling for a brief period *because I insisted on it, and *it was beneficial*. The therapist essentially told me on the side *things would not change much* and to expect our marriage to be an ongoing struggle. Our oldest child mentioned to me the narcissistic behavior. I had always wondered about Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolarism, but after much research I do believe she is a cerebral narcissist. There are multiple other reasons I believe this... being somewhat asexual is a trait of that particular subtype of narcissism.


I have been married for 46+ years. Never got a BJ. Explicitly talked about it prior to marriage and she told me it was too intimate prior to marriage. After years of marriage, she told me it was too perverted and that she had actually thought that her feeling of love would overcome her feeling of revulsion. I actually believe she thought that she could change herself to do that. My wife also avoids kissing.

Look you are married and have kids. You need to focus on the big picture. Does she have some redeeming qualities? As much as oral stimulation sounds good, there are other ways to find happiness. 

When she told you that passionate kissing was for before you can have sex and why would you want to kiss if you can have sex........................did you really listen to her and find out what she meant? There is a section in David Schnarch book the Passionate Marriage, where he points discusses self-soothing. The idea is that in a growing relationship, people will be put in a position where they are uncomfortable with some action that is expected of them. They need to calm their fears, break it down into small segments that they can practice on until they can master the entire thing. Then they will own it and it will become something that they can do. His example is french kissing. Who in their right mind would find exchanging spit with another person anything but disgusting......and yet once you get the hang of french kissing it sure defines a much different way of kissing a person than the way you would kiss your mom or sister. It become something special you do with a lover.

The point is that it took a while to get comfortable with it. You probably broke the act down into parts; closed lip kissing, more open mouth kissing, then deep tongue kissing and probing.

You said that marriage therapy in the past helped, but you didn't do it long. You said you almost left her a little while ago. Why not try to fix things or at least improve them and start some sex therapy marriage counseling. Not because she is broken, not because you want to label her with some condition, but because you want to reconcile and rebuild your marriage.

Oh and another famous concept from Schnarch is that couples don't have a communication problem, they communicate way too well. You said you think/feel why bother..........well she probably knows what you are thinking and feels it is a real put-down, which makes her not want to try to please you. She also probably knows you are labeling her with a mental health label and resents that as well. Finally, she probably knows you have thought of leaving her and that makes her want to put up barriers between the two of you so it will hurt less when you leave her. 

Have you ever thought that some of the lack of connection you are feeling from her may be some of your own doing?

You have a choice of making things better or not. My advice is to try to make them better. Good luck.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Have you ever thought that some of the lack of connection you are feeling from her may be some of your own doing?
> 
> You have a choice of making things better or not. My advice is to try to make them better. Good luck.


This is a really good post (ALL of it) - a lot of wisdom here. 

Here are my thoughts reading your story. 

1. You CHOOSE to marry her, even though she wasn't into kissing etc. By doing that, and continuing this, making her your wife, having kids with her, staying for 20 years - that was all your choice. You basically said she is the one for you, even though you knew she could not meet all of your needs. 

Now, many years later, you have grown resentful that she did not change. We should never marry people expecting them to change in some way to please us.

2. Threats do not build intimacy, they do the exact opposite. You have threatened divorce over this? Basically have made it clear that who she is naturally, the woman you married is not enough for you, and have threatened her to change or you will be done with her. 

That isn't the way to motivate people. That isn't the way to build love, trust, intimacy and vulnerability. That is the way to create a giant carvass between you two. You said you do not feel close to her? I am sure threats of divorce and accusations of personality disorders have caused her to not feel close to you either. 

If my husband ever said either to me - I would be absolutely crushed, and I don't think I could ever forget it. I certainly wouldn't be greedy to give him hummers to win him back. 

So the crux of your question appears to be "how do I teach a dog new tricks" or how do I make my wife of 20 years a passionate woman, even though she has never ever been one. I don't know that it is feasible to change someone like this - *especially if its not something that they want for themselves. *

I get it, sex is super important to me. Passion? LUST? Desire? Thats the fuel that keeps me running. But I have always made this clear from day one (okay, it was the second date!).

And it something we talk about, constructively in my relationship. About WHY we want it, about the needs of validation, to feel desired etc that get fulfilled when we tend to each other's needs this way. 

We have the intimacy that allows us to be VULNERABLE and truthful about our needs, and our insecurities, and our hang ups. 

You don't get to that place with threats. You get there by sharing LOVE. Saying I LOVE YOU, and I want us BOTH to be happy. That you want her to explore her unattended needs as well, that its not "what can you do for me" is what can WE do for US? 

I don't know. I think your options are give up passion in life, or divorce and find someone else. Expecting her to change, when you have always known who she is, isnt fair.


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> Young at Heart said:
> 
> 
> > Have you ever thought that some of the lack of connection you are feeling from her may be some of your own doing?
> ...


Okay, several points made...some based on things I didn't say. I will try to address them as best I can...and I agree Young at Heart's post has some nuggets of wisdom.

Your 2 points: 

1) The circumstances of our courtship/early marriage were unique and complicated. I'll just leave it at that. I don't want to go into much detail as I don't want my post showing up in searches. If somebody wants to message me I would elaborate, but not on this public forum. Now, I did not marry her KNOWING she was anti- kissing or oral sex. She was misleading in this regard. We made out a lot during our courtship, and I THOUGHT we did not participate in oral sex or sex in general because of religious convictions and wanting to remain virgins. But once we married...nothing. There was no newlywed phase where we had sex multiple times or anything remotely like that. When we finally did attempt sex it was painful for her no matter how gentle, how caring, how slow, or how supportive I was. This was the same woman who would ask me while making while dating to just go ahead and have sex, but were saving ourselves. (Or maybe it was an act?) Regardless, she established an asexual marriage from day 1 and also refused to give me handjobs (on rare occasions she obliged), oral sex or whatever to give me sexual relief...to the extent she once suggested a prostitute might be needed. (That really hurt) I remained faithful for all those years. Finally 7 or more years later she miraculously began to participate in sex. So saying I married her knowing any of this is to not understand the situation. (I left out many details because i was just curious if any other people had similar issues) She was actually the more aggressive person sexually leading up to marriage. So, no I haven't suddenly grown resentful. This has been a long, slow burn.

2) About the threats...perhaps I was unclear... and I see how one could infer I threatened to leave over the "no kissing, no OS" issue but such was not the case at all. While very important to me, this is not the dealbreaker issue-- her financial infidelity and narcissistic behavior are. First, I have never used the word "divorce". Similarly. I have never told her I believe she is a narcissist or has some personality disorder. (This is not somethi g I say flippantly). It has been our children largely who mentioned personality disorders and in particular narcissism to me. For their sake I hope they didn't mention it to her, but all our children have expressed from watching how she interacts with me and from their experiences they would understand if I left her. My middle son who soo graduates cried on my shoulder a couple months ago saying "Mom doesn't love me." My daughter has experienced a host of issues stemming from her relationship with her mother. We got our daughter into counseling and guess what? Immediately the counselor began equipping our daughter with tools to protect her against my wife's manipulative behavior. Subsequently, my wife soon wanted our daughter to quit counseling. She thought 80 dollars every few weeks was too expensive, yet she will blow that in a second. So I agree with your statement that threats don't build intimacy, but sometimes they will evoke change. And it was largely my threat to my wife (threat sounds too strong) many years ago that I would leave if she would not agree to counseling which ultimately led to significant improvements in our marriage, despite how screwed up it still is.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You did not explain why you are still married? I have dated girls who kissed with their lips clenched. I also dated girls who were not into oral sex. However I married a women who did all the things I like sexually so my 46 year marriage has been great. We all get the person we married, who remains the same person before we married. You need to make sure you are sexually compatible before you marry, not after. Yet, there are girls who will do anything until they are married. That is how they trap a guy. I would have been divorced a long time ago, but since you stuck it out try a sex therapist, or letting her know how unhappy you are with your sex life.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> I have been married for 46+ years. Never got a BJ. Explicitly talked about it prior to marriage and she told me it was too intimate prior to marriage. After years of marriage, she told me it was too perverted and that she had actually thought that her feeling of love would overcome her feeling of revulsion. I actually believe she thought that she could change herself to do that. My wife also avoids kissing.
> 
> Look you are married and have kids. You need to focus on the big picture. Does she have some redeeming qualities? As much as oral stimulation sounds good, there are other ways to find happiness.
> 
> ...


46 years and not a single BJ?! Mind blown! That's apparently the only thing getting blown around here too.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Dr.D said:


> We did marriage counseling for a brief period because I insisted on it, and it was beneficial. The therapist essentially told me on the side things would not change much and to expect our marriage to be an ongoing struggle. Our oldest child mentioned to me the* narcissistic behavior.* I had always wondered about *Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolarism*, but after much research I do believe she is a *cerebral narcissist*. There are multiple other reasons I believe this... being somewhat asexual is a trait of that particular subtype of narcissism.


Isn't this the thing with modern society? Trying to find a label or a reason for something.

She told you why she doesn't tongue kiss you.

You know why she only has vanilla sex.

You're making out *sorry* that because she doesn't tongue kiss you or give you hot passionate sex then something must be wrong mentally other than what she told you in that, you're getting sex so be happy with what you're getting.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dr.D said:


> .....Finally 7 or more years later she miraculously began to participate in sex. So saying I married her knowing any of this is to not understand the situation. (I left out many details because i was just curious if any other people had similar issues) She was actually the more aggressive person sexually leading up to marriage. So, no I haven't suddenly grown resentful. *This has been a long, slow burn.*
> 
> .......First, I have never used the word "divorce". Similarly. I have never told her I believe she is a narcissist or has some personality disorder. (This is not somethi g I say flippantly).
> 
> ........So I agree with your statement that threats don't build intimacy, but sometimes they will evoke change. And it was largely my threat to my wife (threat sounds too strong) many years ago that I would leave if she would not agree to counseling which ultimately led to significant improvements in our marriage, despite how screwed up it still is.



A few thoughts.

Your wife made an incredible change. Did you ever forgive her, thank her and publicly apologize to her for your anger shortly after her change?

What started the change in my sex starved marriage for the better was my deciding to forgive my wife for all she had done to me, but not say that. Instead, I figured out how I had hurt her and apologized to her for my hurting her. Then I did things to make her feel loved and cherished and I tried to give her unconditional love, while she adjusted to the new feelings of love from me. Ultimately a sex therapy marriage counselor helped save our marriage and improve them to a point that we are now happy. You might give that a try. Slow burn anger is not going to fix anything. You are a role model for your children.


.So marriage counseling helped, but you would like more help in moving things forward. Why not approach her and say that there are some things about yourself that you want help in changing and that you would like her to attend with you so she can help and support you in improving your marriage.


Good Luck.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I guess what I am getting at.... is it takes two to tango. To me, your posts sound like you are the victim of this terrible woman. This woman that you choose to marry. This woman who you choose to stay married to. This woman that you choose to have children with. 

All of those were your choices. No one forced you to do so. 

Sure, occasionally we hear tales of religiously repressed women, women who's first sexual experiences were not pleasurable. Women who never learned how to be uninhibited and enjoy sex - suddenly doing 180's and becoming wild cats..... but that is usually after the divorce, and some fresh new relationship energy enters their life, and they "discover themselves". 

Some never enjoy being a "sexual being". 




Dr.D said:


> We made out a lot during our courtship, and I THOUGHT we did not participate in oral sex or sex in general because of religious convictions and wanting to remain virgins. But once we married...nothing. There was no newlywed phase where we had sex multiple times or anything remotely like that.
> 
> Regardless, she established an asexual marriage from day 1 and also refused to give me handjobs (on rare occasions she obliged), oral sex or whatever to give me sexual relief...to the extent she once suggested a prostitute might be needed.


Ahh good ol' religious guilt. Not exactly the foundation on which passionate sex lives are built. For women especially there is a lot of shame, guilt, and negative feelings associated with sex. Too many women have been indoctrinated that sex is for the man, and something to provide out of duty, not for enjoyment. 



Dr.D said:


> It has been our children largely who mentioned personality disorders and in particular narcissism to me. For their sake I hope they didn't mention it to her, but all our children have expressed from watching how she interacts with me and from their experiences they would understand if I left her. My middle son who soo graduates cried on my shoulder a couple months ago saying "Mom doesn't love me".


Alright, perhaps you did marry, and have children with a mentally ill person. I am not aware of any cures for narcissism - are you? She does live with you all, without any labels, I am sure she can sense the resent that is aimed towards her. 

So what are you going to do? The time to turn this ship around was a few decades ago. The red flags were ignored, you carried on, and now.... now all of the resentment has really built up. 

I highly doubt she is going to turn into a sex vixxen, I don't think she will even get into kissing. So what are you going to do?

Stay and think you can change her? Or change what you can (hint, you can only control your own actions).


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Dr.D said:


> I feel so very detached from her. Do other women have aversions to kissing? Other men in any type of similar situation?


I think that it is understandable that you are trying to determine whether you should stay or leave. If your biggest problem was your wife's aversions to kissing, then the answer would be pretty easy: stay. However, the first question posted is often only a clue to much bigger issues. 

Did your wife ever give you a reason for why she withheld sex for several years? 

In regard to your original question, Most days, my wife only enjoys a peck on the lips. Real kissing only when she is aroused and being physically stimulated.


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> Dr.D said:
> 
> 
> > I feel so very detached from her. Do other women have aversions to kissing? Other men in any type of similar situation?
> ...


 Steve, 
Thanks for the feedback! Your answer is really the type I was seeking from my post which has kinda since kinda gone off the rails. Some users have messaged me expressing similar experiences to mine.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm friends with a couple whose wife hates kissing and does the closed lip peck only. I don't know why but she just finds kissing gross and tries to avoid it. She'll do everything else in bed though so overall her husband is satisfied with her. I don't have a solution for you because it is unlikely you'll change your wife after a 20 year pattern in which she has full control over your sex life and is comfortable with what is going on. However, if you divorce her and have future relationships you should learn to be more assertive in bed so that the control of your sex life doesn't sit only with one person. BTW, my view of "normal" sex has changed a lot going from married to divorced. Married "normal" was mostly vanilla with some wild nights mixed in, but divorced "normal" is like living in a porn video.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DrD,

Did she have a boyfriend before you whom she was madly in love with?

She might not do certain things with you because in her mind you are still her second choice, and while you might fulfill all her practical needs she cannot love you completely and uninhibitedly. She is reserving a special place for her true love.

I know it sounds unlikely but emotional longings can last for decades and the spouse who feels unloved never has a clue. 

Tamat


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I think you fell into a similar trap as me. My wife's religion prohibited certain acts before marriage. I was promised that these things would happen once we got married. Like a typical "nice guy" fool, I dutifully respected her beliefs. Imagine my surprise when our physical relationship actually got _worse_ after the wedding.

Fiancées should not mislead fiancés and vice versa. So don't listen to the nonsensical "you knew what you were getting into so it's your fault" comments. These kind of posters are quick to blame men and tend to give very different advice to women who are in the same situation as you. 

When you love someone, you respect their beliefs and believe their promises. This is a good thing--it's how marriages _should_ be. You did right in that regard. You played by the "nice guy" rules, not demanding things of her that would make her uncomfortable. But your wife sold you a bill of goods, for whatever reason.

I don't know what the solution is for you. My wife and I were eventually able to reach a compromise. While our physical relationship will always be short of what I expected, we at least have one and we get along well. But for her to get to that compromise point, she had to be made aware of the hurt she had caused. That's what finally woke.her up. Fortunately, she doesn't seem to have any of the narcissistic aspects that your wife has.


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