# He ambushed my kids with posow



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ok so much for my 6 month reflection today. The stbxh met the kids (d24 s20 & s15) for dinner tonight. They get out of the car & there he is with HER!! Here's the best part - its someone he has worked with since 1993. I have no clue how long this could have been going on. This woman would have conversations with me when id call him at work. In 2005 we opened our own business. I was minding the store one day & she called. I had a full blown conversation about our kids with her!! I should explain they worked together from 1993 - 2005 but they kept in touch. She was his "friend" . My God how stupid could I be!! When he left he refused to tell me who she was - I had a number of scenerios in my head - her being one of them but I always thought she was too nice to do something like this. This hurts so much more than if it were some bimbo he just picked up at the gym or somewhere else.

My children have resisted for 6 months meeting this woman. He has been dropping hints since 2 weeks after he moved out about them meeting her & they kept saying no. Now he forced this meeting on them. They're both nothing more than garbage!!


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

I know the feeling.

It s*cks but you must carry on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> I know the feeling.
> 
> It s*cks but you must carry on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. Oh I intend to. Hes an even bigger pos than I originally thought. I just feel so stupid. Now looking back over the years red flags are popping up everywhere!!


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Being "in love" sure has a way of hiding those red flags doesn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It certainly does!!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Man oh man! I don't even know what to say! The POSOW is much lower than scum to do such a thing to you. And for your EX to be involved with this person. Just know that the Karma bus will hit them soon. You are way better off without him. WAY BETTER!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hes just as bad. The two of them don't deserve a moments peace. Hes already suffering from diverticulits- infected abscess on his colon & colitis. I know that's no joke to suffer from but.....


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Great. Now he can be a pain in his own ass (and hopefully, hers, too), not just a pain in yours. 

Sorry, steps. That is very disrespectful of your kids to disregard how they felt about meeting her. There was no hurry. He was being manipulative. I hope they stick to how they feel and let him know that they didn't like it. 

I sympathize with your finding out that the OW is someone you know. It's as if it's not painful enough that there even is an OW, but she's someone you know and would not have expected to do this to you. Obviously she's a liar, just as he is. They will end up lying to each other, too. Liars lie. Just remember that.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank angel - you are right!! Today is exactly 6 months since he left - I guess he was tired of waiting. My older son told me he walked right by them & into the restaurant & didn't say a word or look at them. The other two were answering his questions with one word answers. I just don't understand why he didn't tell everyone who she was sooner. It was like a game - like until they gave in no one would know who she was. Of course for the kids it was more the shock of seeing their father with someone else - for me it was who it was that was more significant.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Great. Now he can be a pain in his own ass (and hopefully, hers, too), not just a pain in yours.
> 
> Sorry, steps. That is very disrespectful of your kids to disregard how they felt about meeting her. There was no hurry. He was being manipulative. I hope they stick to how they feel and let him know that they didn't like it.
> 
> I sympathize with your finding out that the OW is someone you know. It's as if it's not painful enough that there even is an OW, but she's someone you know and would not have expected to do this to you. Obviously she's a liar, just as he is. They will end up lying to each other, too. *Liars lie.* Just remember that.


:iagree::iagree: So true!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

How did your kids react?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Fenix said:


> How did your kids react?


S20 walked right by them & into the restaurant & completely ignored them. Wouldn't look at them & wouldn't answer their questions. When he got home he dropped his brother off - threw out the leftover pizza- took the garbage to the curb & left. He came back an hour later & we talked. Hes furious & feels betrayed. The other two (d24 & s15) from what I was told were more cordial. They answered his questions with one word answers and got out of there asap. They are feeling betrayed. I'm not sure how everyone is this morning. No one is up yet.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

So sorry to hear this  The disrespect is astounding!

My D17 had no choice in meeting our POSOW...she needed a ride and I was working so her POSDad told her if she wanted a ride, POSOW would be with him and she'd have to meet her.

My S19 REFUSES to ever be in her presence. He is going to have a conversation soon with POSDad to let him know that.

Smallsteps, it sucks to find our who your POSOW is....makes the past seem unreal! Our POSOW is a woman that STBXH was dating when we met!! He broke up with her to date and marry me. Can't believe she is such an idiot...he broke up with her once, cheated on me twice and she thinks they will spend their lives happily ever after! HAHAHA! Once he is bored or finds someone better, he'll be gone!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry for this SmallS.
What a selfish jerk your ex is. Putting his wants above his kids needs. There were lots of ways he could have introduced the OW to them that wouldn't have involved underhanded ambush, but he had to do it his way. They are old enough to make their own minds up about their dad and the OW. It will likely be difficult for him to cone to terms with that.
And the POSOW, good-grief. Sometimes you think you can read other people. And sometimes they are so good at hiding, lying, and manipulating others that you never see it coming. I'd talk to the kids about your feelings of betrayal by her. Take the high road and tell them that in your mind (and you hope theirs) this is not the way people treat other people. But I bet they already know that.
Sending hugs.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Grrr, times like these require a lot of faith. What a blessing that your kids love you so much, and respect you the way they do.

Once they get over the grief, the person they knew died, hopefully they can get over the resentment and simply chanel that into being good people. 

My father cheated and was a bad husband for many years. It killed me, I hated him, but thanks to him I'm not capable of doing that to my children, and somehow was able to choose a spouse that was the complete opposite of my father. 

God can make horrible things into positives. God's justice is also much better than our worst revenge. Let him do His job, and you keep on being the good mother that you are. God will never let you down.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LA - I don't understand what these men are thinking. Its like they want what they want now - to heck with what the kids think. All that matters is that ow & making her happy to heck with everything else. I think your 19 year old & my 20 year old are on the same page. This morning the 20 year old wants nothing to do with him or the ow. It sounds like he sent that message loud & clear last night. My other 2 are waiting to see what happens next. I did tell them they need to tell their father how they feel about what happened or he will just continue to do as he pleases.

Wow - I don't believe the pattern yours has going. It seems he doesn't get the meaning of loyalty or being faithful. In my case mine doesn't either. Now I'm going over in my head how many things over the years did I go "hmmm that's odd" and just ignore it. This one may haunt me for a bit.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks Pluto. That's what I'm doing. They don't get the significance of who she is. All they know is since he left they would hear me say to people " I wonder if it was her?" She always seemed so nice. Like sugary nice. Heck the H would refer to her as " nice sweet ****** she could never hurt a fly" youre right some people you never know!! I think my stbxh lulled them into seeing what a great dad he is after he just walked out. That's why springing this on them when they kept saying no really hurt.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> Grrr, times like these require a lot of faith. What a blessing that your kids love you so much, and respect you the way they do.
> 
> Once they get over the grief, the person they knew died, hopefully they can get over the resentment and simply chanel that into being good people.
> 
> ...


Thank you - I know He has carried me this far - Im counting on Him to guide me & my kids through this latest crisis.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> LA - I don't understand what these men are thinking. Its like they want what they want now - to heck with what the kids think. All that matters is that ow & making her happy to heck with everything else. I think your 19 year old & my 20 year old are on the same page. This morning the 20 year old wants nothing to do with him or the ow. It sounds like he sent that message loud & clear last night. My other 2 are waiting to see what happens next. I did tell them they need to tell their father how they feel about what happened or he will just continue to do as he pleases.
> 
> Wow - I don't believe the pattern yours has going. It seems he doesn't get the meaning of loyalty or being faithful. In my case mine doesn't either. Now I'm going over in my head how many things over the years did I go "hmmm that's odd" and just ignore it. This one may haunt me for a bit.


Isn't a horrible thing to watch our kids deal with??? All I can do is be here to support them and get them through the emotions.

I warned mine that POSDad will probably be engaged the day our D is final and married, if not by year's end, within a year. He cannot be alone. Both kids at this point said they will NOT attend a wedding...

He has also abandoned his two grandchildren. My oldest D (not his) lives back in our hometown. He has not seen them since our separation last summer...technically they are not his but they know him as their grandfather and still ask when they might see him....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh God that's horrible Its good they feel like that. Mine wants this big happy family scenerio - intergate the families ( now that I know who it is I know she has two kids my older kids ages) . They have to learn they cant have everything.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Let the games begin. He just texted my youngest to see if he was ok. He told his father he didn't want to meet her. His father replied that he was sorry - he didn't mean to upset him - he'll never do that to him again & he loves him and he just wants them all to be happy. Good God!!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Let the games begin. He just texted my youngest to see if he was ok. He told his father he didn't want to meet her. His father replied that he was sorry - he didn't mean to upset him - he'll never do that to him again & he loves him and he just wants them all to be happy. Good God!!


No he wants to be happy and they should be too...clueless!!! ACK!

I'm so sorry for your son


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

He thinks its the damn Brady Bunch or something? I mean really - just because hes so thrilled & happy with her does that mean shes going to make the kids happy. What is she miss sunshine?? Hes so clueless!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

He'll never do that to him again?! It's already been done!! He knew how they felt, so there's no way he can seriously hope they'll believe him when he says he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt them. He may not have wanted to hurt them on purpose, but in these situations, they weigh the 'costs' and 'benefits' and the feelings of other people always lose. He doesn't care if it costs him his relationship with his kids. He really only cares if *he's* happy. I've seen it over and over. Including years ago with my own father.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You've got it 100% right angel. Its all about him & what will make him happy. Hes been lulling them for the past 6 months into believing hes such a nice guy & he doesn't yell anymore & hes non judgemental - you know - the perfect dad. When my mom & I were discussing when he waould pull this ( mom never trusted him) my youngest defended him & said " no you don't understand - hes changed now hes so nice he'd never do that" and its exactly what he did. So to my little guy ( hes 15 but hes my baby) it was an ultimite betrayal.

I had my own dad issues. I posted another thread yesterday about 6 months going by which I elaborated a lot more about this but my brother sister & I went to visit him in the summer of 79 & my siblings wanted to stay. I rememnlber my father taking my plane ticket & saying until mom says they could stay I wasn't going home.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Its sad to hear about somebody hurting another. Just like it all has gotten easier over the past 6 months for you, it will get better for you smallsteps. Keep working on yourself. You are your own person. You can and will be fine, probably even better, without him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Arendt said:


> Its sad to hear about somebody hurting another. Just like it all has gotten easier over the past 6 months for you, it will get better for you smallsteps. Keep working on yourself. You are your own person. You can and will be fine, probably even better, without him.


Aren't we due an update from you?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Its sad to hear about somebody hurting another. Just like it all has gotten easier over the past 6 months for you, it will get better for you smallsteps. Keep working on yourself. You are your own person. You can and will be fine, probably even better, without him.


Thank you - I am sure you are right. This hurts tremondously but at least I can better deal with this now. 5 or 6 months ago it may have been the final thing to push me over the edge.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Spoke to d24 & s20. He just ignored his fathers texts & she told him she didn't appreciate being surprised like that. He apologized & told her he realized that now & gave her I just want us all to be happy line too. Ugh!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Sounds like your kids can handle themselves. No need for you to worry.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Sounds like your kids can handle themselves. No need for you to worry.


Telling a mother not to worry about her kids?? BWAAAHHAAA..
Ain't gonna happen.

These situations are heart wrenching for us moms.
I have very level headed, well balanced kids but this still has a devastating effect on them and I hate to see how it may rear it's ugly head later in their lives.

I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone (mom or dad) can just go about and change their whole families lives to please themselves and not think twice about the repercussions for everyone, ESPECIALLY children!?!?

Ackkk....sorry.....rant over.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> Telling a mother not to worry about her kids?? BWAAAHHAAA..
> Ain't gonna happen.


 Can you tell I don't have kids


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Can you tell I don't have kids


That's what I assumed :awink:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't feel bad arendt you are right they can take care of themselves but LA is also right I'm their mom & I'm going to worry no matter what because I've seen the devastation on their faces the night he just walked out. LA I have been asking that since the day he left - how does a parent just walk out that way. Heck his visits consit of once a week for 45 minutes - that's his choice. Some weeks he skips all together. For a man who called all throughout the day that's a 180 degree turnaround. I wish I knew why he's like that now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Don't feel bad arendt you are right they can take care of themselves but LA is also right I'm their mom & I'm going to worry no matter what because I've seen the devastation on their faces the night he just walked out. LA I have been asking that since the day he left - how does a parent just walk out that way. Heck his visits consit of once a week for 45 minutes - that's his choice. Some weeks he skips all together. For a man who called all throughout the day that's a 180 degree turnaround. I wish I knew why he's like that now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



i cannot understand either! Mine only hear from him maybe once a week...? I don't ask all that much. He was seeing D on Tuesdays because I have a 12 hour day, and I asked him to please take her out to eat. He did for a bit (cheap fast food she hates) but never thought twice about making plans on a Tues if it better suited him. Now he doesn't bother - but she doesn't want him to anyway.

He has successfully disassociated himself from them in the last year. They say they don't care and don't really want to spend time with him but to know your parent has dissected you from his life has to be painful inside.

We have to stop trying to understand it, because we never will. We would NEVER walk away from our children and they are lucky they have us 

Hang in there, SS.... :smthumbup:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks LA. Mine tell me it doesn't bother them not to see their dad but I think when he cancels on them it does. My daughter turned 24 two weeks ago & he didn't see her until yesterday. She kept saying "I wonder what dad gave me" I told her probably money & she said no that he asked the boys what she wanted. She was like a little kid. I was so sad - hes really made a mess of things.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

More came out about their dinner the other night - I would have rather not hear it but s20 was venting & since he was the most affected by it I let him go until I couldn't listen anymore. He said first that he couldn't understand it - he said she looks so much older than his father & she wasn't that good looking ( maybe my sons awkward way of saying he didn't leave me for someone better looking??). Then he went into that the two of them were talking about going to the movies all the time & what theater they go to. Then it started to rain so she said they couldn't go for their nightly walk. Then I guess their father had to take a pill which she launches into " oh have you ever seen your dads face when he swallows a pill?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Not only do they ambush my kids but now they get to sit there & listen to the two of them talk about their life? After that last comment I had to ask my son to stop. I couldn't listen anymore. I felt terrible because he needed to talk but I couldn't do it. All that went through my head the rest of the day was " great so shes not better looking than me - they've known each other 20 years - he left her because he feels he found his soul mate" and I truly think he believes this. That's how hes justified this entire thing & why he wants the kids to be a part of it. It makes me feel like most of the years we were married were a lie. Should it matter - I guess not - the end result was the same - but I feel as though ive been hit in the head with a brick. I mean after all hes done - he gets the happy ending because this was no fly by night affair - it looks like a damn love story!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's still a lie, SSteps. An affair is a fantasy. When they were running around behind your back, she didn't see his face when he swallows a pill. They were (are) in that fantasy fog where all they see of each other is their best behavior, they look and act their best, they're nice, and they share secrets and can have someone to sympathize with them when they want to complain. 

Now she's going to start to see the real him, and he's going to see the real her. They're going to eventually see that -- guess what? They got involved with real humans, who have bad breath, and look stupid when they swallow a pill, and get in bad moods, etc. 

AND....they cheat and lie. 

Also, look into the phenomenon called Affairing Down. Sounds like that's what happened here. 

It doesn't make any of it easier, I know. But I just didn't want you to think it's 'real,' because it's not. They're lying to themselves just as much as they lied to you. They deserve each other.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Geez, SS...poor kids!!

Like Angel said, it's all a LIE!!! Their affair is based on deceit. What good can come of that?!?!

My son felt the need to talk further last night about his conv with POSDad. When son said money stress, dad rolls his eyes and wonders how that can be with the support he is paying...?!?! ACK!! Really? So son asks how much it is. He is almost 20 so I tell him and then detail my monthly bills, medical expenses, household expenses etc. It gets us by with a bit for savings...but what POSDad doenst know is that I drained my savings getting son a car so he can work and commute to school...POSDad barely contributed a quarter of what was needed. He also said to son about not wanting to see POSOW that he was sure he heard a lot of bias and bashing from me about that...ARGHGHGGGHH!! No he heard truth and fact...

Yes, SS it's hard to listen to all the BS being dished out by our STBXHs but I try my best so that my kids can vent and also, I have the chance to defend myself...

It's gotta get better, eh?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks again angel- you are right. Of course its a new day so my mind runs in a different direction. I think of how many times when they worked together he would tell me they went to lunch & he would tell me what was going on with her & he would talk to her about us. Her husband wasn't so great so she needed to work ( which I always felt bad that she had such an unreliable husband) but mine - as much of an idiot as he is- was a good provider & always made sure he made enough so I could stay home & raise the kids. If I got her on the phone when I called she would tell me how lucky I was to have him. I guess I just wonder how long ago she decided she wanted him? I'm sure she listened to all his problems & complaints and I'm sure he ate it up. I mean I never ignored him but he was an only child and the center of his parents universe - once we had three kids I expected a co parent not another kid. 

I know you are right. No matter what the situation an affair is an affair and now all the scenerios they dreamed up while they made their plans to be together aren't necessarily unfolding the way they thought. Real life will set in one way or another. Heck - you would think now that they are living their "dream" he should be healthy & happy. Instead his health seems to be getting worse (of course he blames his job - he should re think that theory).

I have heard about affairing down - I'll look more into it. Thanks again


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LA you are right - I just couldn't hear anymore. Later on in the day I let him go on again. When he started talking again it started to sound more like it was her doing a lot of the "we"& "us". Not that it excuses him but the way I see it shes exerting her spot in the relationship. Ugh!

I know about discussing the finances with the kids. I don't talk about it with the little one but my daughter is an an accountant & my middle son will be graduating next may with a bachelors degree in accounting. If there is one thing they understand its financial matters lol.

Yup its hard right now but I have to believe it is going to get better.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sorry, smallsteps.

I hope your children know they have the right to WALK OUT of the restaurant/movie/whatever if their dad tries to ambush them again with OW. They should not worry about being 'rude' or 'mean', they need to do what they need to do.

Make sure S15 always has his cellphone and knows he can call you or a sibling if he wants to get out. They should NOT be forced to sit and meet with OW when they've made it clear they're not interested and their father KNOWS THIS and doesn't care; he's only interested in what he and OW want.....to live in fantasyland where everyone's HAPPY!!!!

Ugh.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

They do sgw. It seems they were so caught off guard when they showed up & saw her there they didn't know what to do. Truth is my mom had been warning them for weeks that he was going to do it because they kept saying no but they kept laughing her off telling her she didn't know what he was like anymore - that he would never do that to them. That very day I warned them it might happen & they laughed at me. Now I think they got their collective message across to him for now.
S15 always has his cellphone but is always with one of his siblings. He doesn't like visiting him alone.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Me ex married the affair to "prove" that their love was meant to be.

He, on Monday had his Vasectomy reversed because the 39 yr old AP wants a baby with him. Good lord, he isn't paying properly for our child. They live in a 400sq ft 2 bedroom apt with her 2 girls and 3 dogs and a cat. I wonder where the $5K came from to pay for the reversal.....her oldest is 14 her youngest is 10. She supposedly cleans houses for a living, my son tells me that when she gets ready for work she dresses up like she's going on a date...lmao they will never know who the baby daddy is if she gets pregnant....

one consolation for me, in an admitted vengeful kinda way, is that
whenever they go in public and run into people they know from high school, work, around town etc...he knows positively that she has had sex with them...you'd think that would hurt a male ego..but who knows.....hmm
Thought you all might understand a Shake My Head moment


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Unique....astounding!! I have shaken my head so many times in the last year, I should have shaken EXW snydrome...lol

Funny, I wonder if my STBXH might reverse his V...POSOW has no kids and is running out of time to reproduce...I wouldn't be surprised if he did!

Don't they know how foolish they look?!?!?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

LivingAgain....IKR??!!!! lol

That also made me wonder how foolish I appear ugh granted the completely opposite spectrum from his situation


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thought you all might understand a Shake My Head moment[/QUOTE]

I get it - who knows what is going on in their heads but I don't think we should waste our precious time obsessing over it.

So sorry that is going on for you. Its a selfish act on behalf of the two of them. It seems that wont be anything I need to worry about. Thanks to my investigative sil I know the woman hes with is older than him by like 4 years - shes in her early 50's ( my kids were surprised when we found that out they pegged he as older than that). What I do worry about is her trying to win over mine & here's why. There was one day I was minding our store & she called. We were talking about our kids & she comes out with "you & *** are so lucky you had (our 15 yr old - who at the time was 7 or 8) you guys still have a little one at home. As I'm also evaluating things now that I know who she is & I realized as much as I thought she was such a nice person that in reality shes not -I have a feeling shes pulling a lot of the strings. I'm not letting their father off the hook at all but I'm starting to see its not just him.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

In some ways it's still infuriating, because you know as the ex, you're being vilified. The exH wanted to get away from the oppressive marriage, wanted freedom, etc., then is either _already_ involved or soon gets involved with someone who really is a string-puller or controller. And everyone can see it except the exH. It's the same thing with me. BUT -- I don't feel one bit sorry for mine, because he is letting himself be enmeshed. They have all kinds of ballz when it comes to telling us what they want and don't want, but suddenly they disappear when it comes to her. :rofl:

I'm at the point now where I just observe -- from a distance, as much as possible. Where it's difficult for me is that when she's not around (which isn't often - she rarely lets him out of her sight, lol) he's nicer to me, more polite, smiles, we can just casually talk about DS, etc. But when they're together, he usually has a barely hidden sneer on his face, barely acknowledges and speaks to me, and seems too much in a hurry to talk about DS -- even when it's something I need to talk to him about like scheduling. It's a really obvious difference. It's part of his personality issue, I know, so I don't take it personally like I used to. Sadly, that knowledge makes me realize that what we 'had' was probably no more real, for the same reasons. 

My ex had a V done years ago, too. posGF has said she doesn't want kids (she's in her 20's still), and ex had his done when we were together partly because even after only one child, he was feeling put upon. I think they're both too selfish to want to share their lives with children. Having DS around, at the age he is now, is easier for them. They started leaving him alone a year ago (and I thought 9 y.o. was too young for that -- ex used to think so, too. ) while they went out and did stuff, but they do include him in fun activities, too. I can't imagine them setting that all aside for all the responsibility and sacrifice of a baby. I personally hope they don't -- it would suck for the baby and for DS.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I'm glad I don't have to deal with diapers and teething and potty training.....I'm happy to wait 30 years for grandkids for that


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Angel I think 9 is pretty doggone young for him to be left alone while they go out for fun. your child's being there is for "parenting time" not dad taking the OW out for adult fun time whatever that means

alas ..and {{{SIGH}}} expect nothing to change on his end

If you choose.... I bet there is a FAQ page on your State's US Dept of Health & Human Services division of family and children that would let you know how old a child can be to be left alone, how old to babysit etc...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh God I know that angel. Mine had an explosive personality & was a control freak. To see this going on - I'm floored!! In a way it annoys me because where the heck was this version of him when he lived with me?? Of course I do know - no one changes that drasticly that quickly - that's probably the reason for his health issues. Its not like hes gone to therapy to re learn his behavior. He has high blood pressure - I'm interested to see how long it takes him to blow. I'm sure she knows that side of him - she worked with him but I'm sure she was never on the receiving end of it. She probably sees herself as his "savior" or calming influence. If she was the mastermind of Tuesday nights debacle & his kids don't forgive him or accept her ............

Sorry to hear about the way he treats you in front of her - that really stinks. These women have to be delusional to not realize its all a show. I haven't had to deal with it yet & if hes smart he doesn't bring her near me. There really is no need to. He was coming around the past few weekends to visit the dog in the yard. I avoided him the first few weeks but then he sent the kids in one week to see if id come out (that was in may - up until then I had not seen him since February). He was just so pleasant. We had a polite conversation. Truth is we were getting along alright until Tuesday. Last week he called & we actually were laughing talking about the kids. I don't believe I let my guard down!!

Oh and as for leaving him alone - my sil & I had this discussion the other day. She just started leaving her 11 yr old daughter alone when she runs quick errands (they live in Ny) shes pretty close with all her nieghbors so if there is an emergency she knows someone is around. I think its an individual thing - if you feel hes old enough to stay alone fine - if not say something.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So today just seems to be one of those days. My emotions seem to be all over the place. I'm not sure if its all the things that have happened this week or knowing that what would have been my 25 th anniversary is coming up Tuesday. I know at this point I have to look at it as just another day - ive made plans to go to breakfast with some old pta friends & dinner with old friends from my childhood - but in an odd way its still bothering me. I guess 25 years was a milestone - one that will never be hit. I guess I always looked at it as if we got that far - it would be a good bet we'd make it forever. Boy was I wrong!! 

On a good note my kids didn't have their visit with their father this week. I think he realizes he made a big mistake Tuesday & left them alone this week which is good because the kids were dreading having to see him this weekend.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

25 years is a big investment. It's ok to feel a little upset by it.

I'm glad you've made plans to have people around you who can distract you from negative thoughts and support you if you need it.

Oh, and your ex is a real jerk. I hate that guy!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks torn I think hes a real jerk too.  . Seriously - anyone who hears 1- the way he left in the first place & 2- how he forced the meeting with the kids and the ow - cant get over how he did things. Usually a look of disgust comes over their faces & I hear "what a selfish jerk"

On a better note I was able to get through the day - just had a "moment" around 5 o'clock but I was able to get over it. I had people check in on me during the day & had a nice time at breakfast and dinner. At dinner I was out with two of my oldest friends who were my bridesmaids - we toasted to " even though the husband is gone the bridesmaids are still here" we had a great time. Later I thanked everyone on facebook and more of my friends & family who were in my wedding commented. Again I pointed out they were all still there but he was gone.

I guess that's the amazing thing about friends and family - spouses/significant others/ whatever may come & go but your true friends will stay by your side no matter what.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So he hasn't seen the kids since the whole mess at the restaurant. He has been in touch by texting them but the kids responses have been minimal. He said to them yesterday he'd like to take them to breakfast next week - without them even asking he ends the text with "don't worry it'll just be us" I guess my kids got their point across. I am very proud of them


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

:wtf:

This person is posting the same cut/paste comments in a lot of threads.

Stalker...trying to increase post count?


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Who knows? I think he is probably young and seeing the benefits of counseling for himself and trying to help. 
Stupid question- 
What is the benefit of increasing post count?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Maybe to start a thread in Private? You have to have 30 posts to do that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I have seen exact post in totally unrelated thread. Time to report?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Maybe to start a thread in Private? You have to have 30 posts to do that.


Exactly. To get to the Private forum.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I saw it twice this morning - I thought something was up......


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Gone now. :scratchhead:


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Gone now. :scratchhead:


Mods must've caught it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That's good!!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Small- Sorry for being MIA for a bit. Lots been going on. What's the latest? How are you doing?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm hanging in - but the past couple of days have been a little hard. Last night it all seemed to come to a head. I guess finding out who the ow is bothered me more than I thought. 
The kids are meeting him for breakfast this weekend - I cant wait to see what kind of bs he ends up handing them. Ive had no contact with him at all and the kids have had minimal contact so I'm not sure what may happen.
How are things with you? What's been going on?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So just a small update - he took the kids to breakfast this weekend - just them like he promised. The kids said no mention at all of her.

I'm not fooling myself - I know this isn't over by a long shot. He's just suspended his efforts for now. At least we know the signs its coming next time. See about three weeks before he pulled this he started calling her in front of them and saying things like "oh I cant wait to tell her this" when the kids were interacting with each other. Our eyes are open a little more...


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

He wants everyone to see how wonderful little miss homewrecker is. The kids are too smart to fall for that. The fog is thick with this one.

How are you coping now small?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> He wants everyone to see how wonderful little miss homewrecker is. The kids are too smart to fall for that. The fog is thick with this one.
> 
> How are you coping now small?


Oh you are not kidding torn. I didn't expose the affair right away but over time I haven't hidden anything so it has been exposed gradually and all that's done is made them retreat more into their own world.

He had to have medical procedures done yesterday. I'm guessing shes loving it - getting to show him how great she is at taking care of him. 

I'm ok thanks - hanging in.Finding out who she is has set me back a bit. It makes me wonder how much of our life together was a lie? It brought up a lot of the old questions and feelings I had in the beginning although not as bad as the first time.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

It can be quite painful to look back on your relationship and wonder how much of it was authentic. After finding out that I had unknowingly been in a relationship with a closeted lesbian for 9 years it was hard not to look back and feel like I had been cheated out of the life I thought I was living. My best years, my emotions and my plans for the future were invested in a person who wasn't genuinely committed to me. Very bitter pill to swallow. 

The thing is, when you allow yourself to reflect on that life and feel the pain it causes - YOU are the only one who suffers in that moment. So why do we do that to ourselves? 

Once I began to recognize this I was able to make a conscious decision to not go down that path. Hopefully through all that you have learned you are becoming more self aware, which will lead to fewer set backs.

Happy living SS.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Is it possible posOW pushed to meet the kids and show them how great they are together, to validate this relationship built on a lie? Sounds like it's possible fog behavior.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> Is it possible posOW pushed to meet the kids and show them how great they are together, to validate this relationship built on a lie? Sounds like it's possible fog behavior.


You hit the nail right on the head - that's exactly it. My older son made it a point to tell me that she talked about them going to the movies together - then she saw it was raining and turned to him and said "oh I guess we cant go on our nightly walk". He had to take some sort of medication while they were at dinner and she made the comment about " oh have you guys ever seen the face your father makes when he swallows his pills?" She was trying to show off to them like it was her job!! 

That fog is so thick nothing is going to break it. I think the only thing that MAY have gotten their fathers attention that what he is doing just might be wrong and hurtful is when they shut him out after he pulled that.

See the night he left I warned him the kids would never forgive him for what he was doing. His answer to me was "they'll understand." It wasn't even two weeks after he left that he was trying to get them to come to his new place for Sunday dinner. We had a feeling something was up so on the third week I sent an email & he called. He wanted to know why the kids were hesitant to go to his house. I told him we weren't sure what his living situation was. He said he had told me he moved in with someone the night he left (he didn't - I had no idea at that point) I told him there was his answer - the kids wanted no part of his girlfriend.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Hey Smallsteps!

Fog gets so thick it's hard to see some days, eh??

Our posOW told D that she couldn't wait to meet her brother and she LOVES to cook and wants to make a big dinner for them!!

Yes, ain't gonna happen. Son has reiterated to posDAD that under no circumstances is he to bring posOW into his presence!!!

Awww, poor posOW - no kids of her own and now she can't use mine to pretend they are one big happy family...

Where's the FOGHORN????

Hope you are hanging in there, ss. I am trying to move forward and get through all the BS that posSTBX is putting his kids through!


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Amazing, these guys. I leave my family, but want to create a new one, no questions asked. Maybe think on these consequences before walking away from the existing family?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> Amazing, these guys. I leave my family, but want to create a new one, no questions asked. Maybe think on these consequences before walking away from the existing family?


He is counting on the "one big happy family" deal. She has 2 kids my older kids age - I'm thinking that they will make another push around the holidays. Ugh!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey LA- good for your son!!! These women - what are they thinking??? I remember being on the phone once many years ago with the ow & her telling me how great it was that we still had a little one at home (this is going back almost 8 years) when I think of that conversation now it just burns me something awful!!

Glad to hear you're doing ok. I'm hanging in too - I guess that's all we can do for now.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Hang in there SS. Been thinking about you and your situation. You have some smart kids that are seeing this for what it really is and are not getting pulled into your stbx web of lies. My D7 on the other hand of course is still very young, loves her mom unconditionally and I will have to work hard to show her how honest people act without just slating her mother to her face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Hang in there SS. Been thinking about you and your situation. You have some smart kids that are seeing this for what it really is and are not getting pulled into your stbx web of lies. My D7 on the other hand of course is still very young, loves her mom unconditionally and I will have to work hard to show her how honest people act without just slating her mother to her face.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks I was worried for a while because there was a time that I was having a really hard time getting myself together and the kids started thinking dad was the normal one and I was the one with the issue.
Your daughter will learn the truth. I was reading your thread earlier and I saw the way you handled her when it was time to go to her mom and she had the tantrum - you did great!! You explained everything to her. If you keep that up she will someday see things the right way - you are showing her a stable, structured environment and that is sooo important right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> He is counting on the "one big happy family" deal. She has 2 kids my older kids age - I'm thinking that they will make another push around the holidays. Ugh!!


yucko


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lol - oh yeah the mental image of that horrified me - its my worst nightmare.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Think Christmas Card photo, sorry.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> Think Christmas Card photo, sorry.


No thanks - I don't even want to think of Christmas time at this point. I just don't see it as going well. It doesn't help that he left 2 days after the new year. Its only going to remind me of what he was planning to do between last Christmas & new years.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

things that should have been a red flag to me: she misspelled my D13 name on the Christmas card for 2012. She would have reprinted them if it were kid. I suggested that and she said it wasn't a big deal and no one would notice it. 

Weak on my part to accept that. 

Interesting on her part that she was so unwilling to admit her mistake that she couldn't spend $50 to correct her mistake.

Evolving at light speed.

(and yes, Christmas will be tough this year.)


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

A 13 year old will take that personally. Gotta love these ex's of ours!! They are pieces of work to say the least. Yeah - dreading that time of year coming around - the biggest joke last year was he bought me this tri color gold bracelet & a bottle of dkny perfume I wanted for christmas ( I guess that was my parting gift) I put them directly away - only used them once on Christmas day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

D13 didn't say anything, but we sent the card to 70 people, I'm sure someone noticed. Another time I should have stood up and just let it go. Oh well. I'm getting better at saying I want xyz.

Was he a good present buyer? My stbxw wasn't, unless she bought me something exactly off of my Amazon list. Although the beer fridge I got for my home office was a pretty good buy on her part. 

I think I was good at presents. It annoyed me to see a new picture of her recently wearing the pearls I bought her in Thailand. Oh well, I still use the beer fridge.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lol - glad you have one gift you still enjoy. He was ok - it depended on the year. This year I picked those things out. That's what threw my son off when stbxh left. He had said only 3 weeks before he walked in from school to his father and me sitting at the computer together picking out my bracelet. I'm telling you I really didn't see it coming.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I'm telling you I really didn't see it coming.


Nope, me either. 

I see the signs now, but hindsight is 20/20. Doesn't let them off the hook for communicating what's going on.

What I'm working on in my mind, is destroying her. *smirk* Let me explain. 

I'm thinking over and compiling a list to review often, of why I wouldn't date her now if I knew certain things about her that have come to light in the last six months. Your list could start with a willingness to put his penis in other women when in a committed relationship.

It's a way to remind myself of why I should have been unhappy with her years ago and I got caught up in my own fog of wanting perfection, when it wasn't actually there. It takes the focus off her betrayal and using behavior and puts it on me figuring out what I want and what I should accept and what I should not.

My earnest hope of what comes from this divorce, is a realization on my part that idealizing a relationship closes me off from the reality of the relationship. I accepted far too much inattention, resentment, nagging, poor treatment of my kids and folding on major decisions in my relationship for too long, but because I wanted to be married and we had an "epic" love, I brushed past those flaws.

Sorry for the long hijack, but something I'm doing to get over her and focus on what I want in the next LTR.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't see you as hijacking the thread - this board is here for a discussion its fine.

Yes hindsight is great. When he first left I was blindsided because he was very attentive - we had a great Christmas - we were making plans for the future heck we were even sleeping in the same bed. After some time had passed and my head cleared I started going over events of the previous year and red flags started popping up all over the place.

The list is not a bad idea. As we move away from the situation we tend to sugarcoat the bad things. Or if we're having a bad time we will re write the way things really were. As for the thing you said I should start my list with - my mother pretty much said that to me over & over in the beginning lol. If I even brought up the possibility of taking him back (which I did a lot in the beginning) she would bring that fact up.

I think that's one of the many things we can learn from this experience. We need to respect ourselves more so we don't allow others to disrespect us.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I think that's one of the many things we can learn from this experience. We need to respect ourselves more so we don't allow others to disrespect us.


Totally agree; it's tough to lose the companionship, but I was pretty independent before, so being alone is not what I wanted, but it's also fine, or even good. More time to do things I want, my schedule is more flexible, etc. That base makes it easy to respect my decisions, reactions to others' treatment of me, etc. And so, I will accept disrespectful behavior less often.

That's the plan anyway.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

The companionship and the nice version of him is what I miss. Like today - he didn't see the kids this weekend but he dropped off money this morning. My son spoke to him last night and said to leave it in the mailbox that he was going to be going out early to grab bagels for breakfast. His father told him don't worry that HE would pick up bagels for everyone and drop them off for everyone. (???) so now I wonder - was he just being nice? Is he still feeling bad about the whole ow/restaurant debacle or is he up to something??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Chuck said, and I believe it to be true for a couple reasons, but don't ascribe any motives to the things they do. It might look like a shot at R, an opening to be friends, etc. It has as much to do with that as the JFK assassination.

A, you can make yourself crazy trying to figure out why they're doing what they do, so don't. Unless they make it about you, just ignore this stuff and take it at face value. However, remember to watch the actions, ignore the words. Actions are true, words are easy.

B, they may not know themselves why they do what they do. Could be niceness, could be their mood that day, could be lots of stuff. Again, just leads to craziness. 

Try not to understand why he brought bagels. Maybe he's making up, maybe he wanted to see the kids and house, maybe he had a coupon. Unless he shows an action to make the bagel motive clear or says why he did it (and that would be suspect). Don't worry about why, just enjoy a garlic bagel with lox and tomatoes.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I know - I just sent him a text saying thank you & I got back a no problem. I ate my sesame bagel & moved on with my day. It was a nice gesture and that's it ( it wasn't to see the kids because he left them by the door & he drops the money off at the house every week - sometimes he visits the dog in the yard if he asks to). It's like everyone else's estranged spouses around here - sometimes they show this slight hint of their old selves but that's usually it - just a hint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

God, the hints would be tough. I've got radio silence from mine. I don't see any hints because she's painted me so black, any contact with me might put cracks in that image.

It makes me wonder if she's so fragile in her beliefs that she won't come back at Conrad's 100 days with a different attitude. That would be tough. Her behavior now (and I count myself lucky compared to some other TAMmers) is making it easy to see the stuff I wasn't ok with during our marriage. Detaching is still tough because divorce is not what I want, but her being so distant makes it easier to detach. The hints are not there to stoke hope, like my backslide last weekend. I slipped down that hill way too easily.

btw, no bagels for me, but I'm having bloody mary, beer snit and huevos rancheros. Camping with my Ds this evening. Gorgeous day here.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Small- I wouldn't think much of his kind gesture.He probably did it and gave himself a pat on his own back for doing a good deed for the day. My ex did that ONCE last year and that was the end of it. Never again. I remember going nuts trying to figure out what was his motive. In the end, angstire said it best on his post above. 

Boy, i'm craving bagels now with lox!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That sounds good lol - glad you're having good weather for camping - have a great time!!

Make your list like you said you were going to. If she does come back around at least you'll have that to remind yourself WHY you may be better off without her. 

Here's the difference in our situations - mine never cut contact with me. I cut off contact when he first left. I didn't see him - except for one brief encounter in february- until April. We had at least come to the point where we were cordial but that was it and truth is it messed with my head a bit. Then he pulled the whole dinner thing and I went dark again. I sent him a terse sounding text as soon as they came home which he never responded to and that was it. I texted him last week to wish him luck on a medical procedure he had done last week.

If shes pulling the nc on you then you do the same. See by me initiating it and by me contacting him on my own terms I feel like I'm in control of the situation. That's the position I need to be in right now. I don't need him messing me up. You need to do the same right now. I understand you don't want the D but shes pushing for it so you need to learn ways to deal with it and make life better for yourself.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just an idea.... which worked for me.... plan a different Christmas this year. The first year sucks, no way around that. But you and the kids can decide to begin new traditions, do things a bit differently. 

1. My 5 kids were teens when ex walked out. So we opened gifts at midnight on xmas eve. It was new, different, and worked for us. 

2. A friend with teens also changed up, they order Chinese food and have a picnic in the living room.... sometimes there are lots of other people around, sometimes its just them. 

3. Go to a Christmas day movie. 

4. Take a vacation/trip.

5. Make up a theme... invite other single friends over.... make it a party. 

The idea is to change it up, so it's new and fun for all of you.... and less of a hole/gap where H used to be.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

True enough. I don't want the D, I want the idealized her, so probably the D is ok, because the idealized her is not real anyway.

I read an article on mature love earlier today and I really thought we had that. We probably did from my side, but not hers. That's tough to have picked the wrong woman or have things change or whatever the reason was. I really did give her my love and didn't expect anything in return but her love and loyalty. And she wasn't able to do that; I became the next thing to change in her endless quest for happiness.

Looking forward to scotch by the fire with my daughters tonight. Ghost stories?


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

New traditions are a GREAT idea.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> And she wasn't able to do that; I became the next thing to change in her endless quest for happiness.
> 
> Looking forward to scotch by the fire with my daughters tonight. Ghost stories?


People like that never improve - you know that. They are always looking for something that will make them happy because they aren't happy with themselves. Just remember that.

I don't have any ghost stories but enjoy the outdoors and let it clear your mind. I'm sure the Scotch will help with that too lol!!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Left With 4.5 said:


> Small- I wouldn't think much of his kind gesture.He probably did it and gave himself a pat on his own back for doing a good deed for the day. My ex did that ONCE last year and that was the end of it. Never again. I remember going nuts trying to figure out what was his motive. In the end, angstire said it best on his post above.
> 
> Boy, i'm craving bagels now with lox!


I have to agree with Left...mine does things so that he can feel good about himself, pat himself on the back and assuage any guilt he may have...I had to once and for all stop him from doing things for us because his motives were NOT FOR US, but to help himself feel and look like a good guy....made me nauseous and


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

True - he probably did do this for himself. Went to my daughters place for dinner. My sister is in for a visit with her family so it was big family dinner night. Of course the whole episode was brought up in discussion. Now my son goes more into detail - one of the options he mentioned to stbxh was he would run out to his car to get the weekly money from him instead of leaving it somewhere since he was running out for bagels anyway. His father said don't bother I'll pick them up for all of you and drop them off - don't bother getting up - sleep in.

Now what I pick up from this version of the story is where S said he would meet him at the car. I have a feeling his father was hiding something he didn't want son to see. That's the only reason he was "doing him a favor " and picking them up for him. I think the mystery had been solved - just more of the same bs - always hiding something. I'm not sure how he lives with himself. It must be exhausting always sneaking around trying to get one over on people.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> True - he probably did do this for himself. Went to my daughters place for dinner. My sister is in for a visit with her family so it was big family dinner night. Of course the whole episode was brought up in discussion. Now my son goes more into detail - one of the options he mentioned to stbxh was he would run out to his car to get the weekly money from him instead of leaving it somewhere since he was running out for bagels anyway. His father said don't bother I'll pick them up for all of you and drop them off - don't bother getting up - sleep in.
> 
> Now what I pick up from this version of the story is where S said he would meet him at the car. I have a feeling his father was hiding something he didn't want son to see. That's the only reason he was "doing him a favor " and picking them up for him. I think the mystery had been solved - just more of the same bs - always hiding something. I'm not sure how he lives with himself. It must be exhausting always sneaking around trying to get one over on people.


That sounds more like the true reason for the "favor." Your posSTBX sounds a lot like mine and all favors are done with a motive...whether it's hiding something (I cannot imagine how exhausting it is to keep up the lies and sneakiness!!!) or trying to look good...

I have had maybe two conversations since May with mine and in both I have caught him lying. I dont F around anymore and call him on the carpet for them...all he can do is stutter and spill more lies. 

https://soundcloud.com/fantasylabelgroup/i-don-t-believe-a-word-you-say

Check out this song...it's my mantra for my posSTBX

"I see your mouth moving,
and there's a circus coming out..."
:lol:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I try to limit my contact with him - its just better that way.

Had a bad night last night. Watching my S & BIL together made me realize that I'm now the "single" sibling. Both my S & B have pretty good marriages. I sat there at the table getting so upset about the way stbxh went about things. Not even giving us a chance to fix things. Never saying a word about how unhappy he was and that probably for quite a few months was making plans to leave me and I was too blind to see it. Now my entire life got turned upside down. A choice I did not want but was forced on me anyway.

I know this is sort of unlike me. I really try to keep a positive attitude. I understand I'm still going to have episodes like this. It stinks.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Sorry for that interaction, I've seen the same sort of intimacy with couples and been jealous, sad, etc.

It's really tough to not be given the chance to work on things. This ambush and leave is really difficult. Even if our stbxs had gone thru 6 months of MC and said, nope, not going to work for me, at least we'd all know we'd tried.

It's tough for them to decide in a silo, not inform us and not give hard work a chance. 

Rough few days for me too, maybe it's sad solar flares.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I try to limit my contact with him - its just better that way.
> 
> Had a bad night last night. Watching my S & BIL together made me realize that I'm now the "single" sibling. Both my S & B have pretty good marriages. I sat there at the table getting so upset about the way stbxh went about things. Not even giving us a chance to fix things. Never saying a word about how unhappy he was and that probably for quite a few months was making plans to leave me and I was too blind to see it. Now my entire life got turned upside down. A choice I did not want but was forced on me anyway.
> 
> I know this is sort of unlike me. I really try to keep a positive attitude. I understand I'm still going to have episodes like this. It stinks.


It's ok to feel that way. When I see how attentive my friends' husbands are, I get sad because mine was never like that. And to think his own selfishness destroyed our family makes it worse in my head. 

It sucks to feel that way especially knowing we have to be strong. It okay to cry too. I do. I let myself cry and feel bad for 1/2 hour, then I put on my big girl panties and move on. They're not worth our tears anymore.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> Sorry for that interaction, I've seen the same sort of intimacy with couples and been jealous, sad, etc.
> 
> It's really tough to not be given the chance to work on things. This ambush and leave is really difficult. Even if our stbxs had gone thru 6 months of MC and said, nope, not going to work for me, at least we'd all know we'd tried.
> 
> ...


Maybe - it cant be the full moon that was last week. 

It is - its a sobering reality when you realize they have been making plans to move on while you had no idea. Maybe it has to do with the type of people they are. They made sure they detached and had other arrangments made before we knew anything. They are cowards.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Maybe - it cant be the full moon that was last week.
> 
> It is - its a sobering reality when you realize they have been making plans to move on while you had no idea. *Maybe it has to do with the type of people they are. *They made sure they detached and had other arrangments made before we knew anything. They are cowards.


Yes, they're called COWARDS!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I had an IC appointment yesterday, and at the end, like she always does, my therapist asked me if I could make a summary statement for what we'd talked about. Sometimes we're all over the place in that hour and it's really hard, lol. But yesterday, I thought about all of the changes I've seen in myself, and lately most of them have to do with a lessening of fear and anxiety regarding interactions with other people. Not being as afraid of screwing up all the time, or embarrassing myself by doing something wrong or stupid. I realized I'd felt so much of that especially during the latter half of my marriage to Chinless. I originally thought that he'd been so good for me, and compared to where I'd been before him, he was. But in actuality, he was killing me. I was dying the more I was with him.

The way they did it was very wrong, don't misunderstand me. Mine admitted that he'd never once mentioned anything about our relationship to his therapist before he dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb on me. And would never do MC, even though he promised he would. Always found excuses not to (I wish I had TAM at the time!!!). After all this time and pain, I see that what I thought we had was unhealthy at best, and a lie at worst. In the long run, he did me a favor by pushing me away from him, because in my co-dependence and belief in the 'sanctity' of my marriage vows through thick and thin, I never would have left. Especially with a child who I didn't want to suffer through a divorce.

But, now I can be thankful that my marriage didn't go on even longer. Even though we're apart, he's no different. He's already engaged to his EA partner and they've been living together since Christmas. 

At first, it's easy to see them as giving us a death sentence. But it's really only a formality. Because of their detachment, the marriage was already dead and buried. In the long run, they actually gave us a pardon and early release from the prison of being married to them. It just takes a while to adjust to life on the 'outside,' just like for any long-term prisoner. 

My summary sentence for her was realizing that the further I am away from him (in distance and time), the more alive I am becoming, and the more that the angelpixie I buried all those years is able to bloom.

That's actually been one of my favorite sayings for years:

_*Bloom where you're planted.*_


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Small, so sorry you're having a rough time  I am not around too many couples these days to have to face comparison...hang in there!

Angel - LOVE LOVE LOVE that post!!!

I am experiencing the further away I am in distance and time, the better I am - and discovered last night, that I recover quicker after exposure. Had to sit across a table from him with realtor to sign papers accepting an offer for the short sale of our house. Heading home there was no angst, no rage, no tears!!! YAY! Went home, spent some time with my great kids and no problems sleeping 

Small - you WILL get there...you are so much better without him!
Stay strong!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks Angel - your story sounds very similar to mine. I lost myself over the past 25 years and I'm just starting to re discover me again. I related to everything you said. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that. He did me a favor by leaving because I never would have.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks Angel - your story sounds very similar to mine. I lost myself over the past 25 years and I'm just starting to re discover me again. I related to everything you said. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that. He did me a favor by leaving because I never would have.


:iagree: Same here.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I realise that you are going through a very difficult time. But please don't make the mistake of involving your children in your separation/divorce. You have no idea how badly this can affect them in the future.

The relationship between you and your husband needs to be 100% separate from the relationships between your kids and their mum/dad. I realise that they are older but you are still their parents and they shouldn't be pushed to pick sides.

My husband and his brothers had to watch their parents divorce under similar circumstances to what you are describing and it has scarred them all permanently. The divorce was played out in front of their eyes and they knew FAR too much about it. My husband was 15 when it happened, he is now 32 and the things he remembers still hurt him to this day.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But the kids ARE involved. They are old enough to have opinions and feelings, and to have them respected. They didn't want to meet their dad's affair partner, and he disregarded that. That's on him, not on Steps.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks angel. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Being a child of divorce myself I am well aware of the ramifications it has on the children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

How can you keep kids out of divorce?? Esp older children...they observe, are not stupid and ask questions. I refuse to lie to my children. I give them facts - not opinions..

small, you are doing a great job respecting and guiding your kids  You will continue to be their support and rock through this! You have no control over posSTBX and he will have to deal with their issues with him.

Hang in there SS!!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I should add that I too am a 'child' of divorce -- I was in my late teens when my dad left, my brother was a little older than my own son is now.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> How can you keep kids out of divorce?? Esp older children...they observe, are not stupid and ask questions. I refuse to lie to my children. I give them facts - not opinions..
> 
> small, you are doing a great job respecting and guiding your kids  You will continue to be their support and rock through this! You have no control over posSTBX and he will have to deal with their issues with him.
> 
> Hang in there SS!!!


Thanks


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I should add that I too am a 'child' of divorce -- I was in my late teens when my dad left, my brother was a little older than my own son is now.


We were younger - I was 6 or 7 my sister was 3 and my brother was 2. My childhood was unusual to say the least. There was a point that I was with my mom in NY & my sister and brother were with my dad and step mother in fla.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Sometimes your job as a parent is not to protect your children from reality, but to support them when they are exposed to difficult situations.

If dad pulls a giant d!ck move and the kids form the opinion that dad is a giant d!ck then it's not mum's job to convince them that he's not a d!ck.

This is not a case of deliberate parental alienation.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> If dad pulls a giant d!ck move and the kids form the opinion that dad is a giant d!ck then it's not mum's job to convince them that he's not a d!ck.
> 
> This is not a case of deliberate parental alienation.


Instead of the usual crap that they say in the pre-divorce parenting classes that one parent can _never_ do or say _anything_ negative about the other parent (no matter what the WS does -- something my Ex gleefully jumped all over), or risk intervention by the court, etc., I wish they would say this instead. And obviously, it's true for both parents.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

My kids pretty much lost all respect for him after the ow incident - not that they had much before that. He has become a joke to them. I try not to put him down to them BUT I will not defend him at all.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> Sometimes your job as a parent is not to protect your children from reality, but to support them when they are exposed to difficult situations.
> 
> If dad pulls a giant d!ck move and the kids form the opinion that dad is a giant d!ck then it's not mum's job to convince them that he's not a d!ck.
> 
> This is not a case of deliberate parental alienation.


My Ex and his mother expects ME to fix his relationship with his children. They blame ME for the kids not wanting anything to do with him. I tried to tell them that it was his actions that made the kids form their own opinion, not my job to change it. I don't get their mentality!:scratchhead:


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

People who can't take responsibility for their actions in one area of their life tend to struggle with other areas too.

They cheat but they're convinced that it's your fault. Their kids are angry with them and it's your fault.

Always the victim.

Someone they actually give a damn about is holding them accountable for their actions? Boo effing hoo!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> People who can't take responsibility for their actions in one area of their life tend to struggle with other areas too.
> 
> They cheat but they're convinced that it's your fault. Their kids are angry with them and it's your fault.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

LivingAgain said:


> :iagree:


:iagree::iagree:


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> People who can't take responsibility for their actions in one area of their life tend to struggle with other areas too.
> 
> They cheat but they're convinced that it's your fault. Their kids are angry with them and it's your fault.
> 
> ...


Totally :iagree:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> People who can't take responsibility for their actions in one area of their life tend to struggle with other areas too.
> 
> They cheat but they're convinced that it's your fault. Their kids are angry with them and it's your fault.
> 
> ...


Sounds like my stbxh - never took responsibilty for anything when we were married. Anything that happened to him was always "someone else's fault" - never his. Must be nice to go through life being so perfect...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Victim thinking: It's not my fault. I was made to do xyz.

Mature adults take responsbility, for the good and the bad, especially the bad.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> Victim thinking: It's not my fault. I was made to do xyz.
> 
> Mature adults take responsbility, for the good and the bad, especially the bad.


We're not talking about a mature adult here.

So this is the second week in a row that their father told them he cant meet with them. He told them he has a sore throat.

I'm more annoyed than the kids are. They tell me "so what - its uncomfortable to meet with him anyway"

What kind of father puts off visiting with his kids week after week?


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> What kind of father puts off visiting with his kids week after week?


Someone deep in the fog. I love my kids, but keep boundaries with them. I hope I do that when they're adults too, as yours are. But in light of all that's gone on, I would expect he would be trying harder. Unless, of course, he knows he's wrong and is blaming his sore throat so he doesn't have to deal with his children's disappointment in his immature choices.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> Someone deep in the fog. I love my kids, but keep boundaries with them. I hope I do that when they're adults too, as yours are. But in light of all that's gone on, I would expect he would be trying harder. Unless, of course, he knows he's wrong and is blaming his sore throat so he doesn't have to deal with his children's disappointment in his immature choices.


I'm going with the fog. You see 1- his little plan to get the kids to accept the ow backfired on him because the kids want nothing to do with her. Now this makes it difficult to visit with them because she cant join them.
2- last summer he had "business trips" every weekend it seemed. He'd leave on a Saturday morning and come home on Sunday later in the day. (I know - giant red flag - but he was a road salesman so it was plausible). I'm wondering if they didn't have a weekly "thing" they did during the summer. 
Either way - hes putting her in front of them.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I'm going with the fog. You see 1- his little plan to get the kids to accept the ow backfired on him because the kids want nothing to do with her. Now this makes it difficult to visit with them because she cant join them.
> 2- *last summer he had "business trips" every weekend it seemed. He'd leave on a Saturday morning and come home on Sunday later in the day.* (I know - giant red flag - but he was a road salesman so it was plausible). I'm wondering if they didn't have a weekly "thing" they did during the summer.
> Either way - hes putting her in front of them.


Grrr! That just triggered my memory of how my ex was working special assignments every weekend. The kids never saw him and when he was home, he was so into his own things that he didn't pay any attention to the kids. Now he's acting like he's done nothing wrong.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Left With 4.5 said:


> Grrr! That just triggered my memory of how my ex was working special assignments every weekend. The kids never saw him and when he was home, he was so into his own things that he didn't pay any attention to the kids. Now he's acting like he's done nothing wrong.


That's the way they operate. See what gets to me, although it shouldn't, is that he doesn't try to see them. I mean this is a man who would call 5 times a day to see how the kids (and the dog) were doing. Now he texts them and gets one word answers and doesn't even see them every week. 

Sorry about the trigger 4.5. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Try to let that go. He's making his own choices on seeing his kids. He's also making his own bed with them. He will have to sleep in whatever bed he makes. 

My dad split when I was 5. Hardcore alcoholic. Didn't visit regularly, forgot bdays (big deal when you're 8), etc, etc, etc. We talk once every 3-5 years for 5 minutes about the Vikings. 

That's the bed my dad made. Your stbxhs are working on making a similar bed. Dumb.

PS Don't waste your energy judging him. I know it's hard, but it won't change him and just build anger in you. Try to let this go, as you're letting him go.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

What gets me is that they make their beds and then expects us to fix it for them. I did it a couple of days ago and I told myself that this is the last time i'm ever doing that for him again. I'm not his wife anymore and I don't need to fix things for him. He needs to step up or step out.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Left With 4.5 said:


> What gets me is that they make their beds and then expects us to fix it for them. I did it a couple of days ago and I told myself that this is the last time i'm ever doing that for him again. I'm not his wife anymore and I don't need to fix things for him. He needs to step up or step out.


You are so right!! Time for them to deal with their own mess!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> That's the way they operate. See what gets to me, although it shouldn't, is that he doesn't try to see them. I mean this is a man who would call 5 times a day to see how the kids (and the dog) were doing. Now he texts them and gets one word answers and doesn't even see them every week.
> 
> Sorry about the trigger 4.5.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine used to call several times a day too. Now he texts or calls my kids every now and then. There are times he calls 2-3 times in a row, then go days without any contact. It's got to the point that my kids are not bothered by his inconsistencies.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

The bagel fairy showed up again this morning
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Did he just drop it off?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yep - he texted my son after he left it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> The bagel fairy showed up again this morning
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Were they good?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Were they good?


Absolutely. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well I guess I had to see him sooner or later. He took my son out to work with him last week. My son called when they were on their way home. He asked if his father could visit the dog in the yard. I was already out there with her so I said fine. 
He came in and visited. It was awkward, this was the first time I've seen him since we found out who the ow is. I noticed one thing though, he was on the ground with the dog and I was standing up leaning on the table, he could not look at me. He did look up at one point but quickly looked away. I have to admit, it made me feel like I have the upper hand just a bit.
Oh and the bagels were at the door again this morning lol.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

How are you doing smallsteps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> How are you doing smallsteps?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm doing okay RG, thanks for asking. Taking it one day at a time ya' know. Work is keeping me busy this week. It helps that I really like the people I work with. I look forward to seeing them.

It's been a week of a lot of thinking and soul searching. Having contact with him triggers that. 

I had lunch with someone at work Sunday. We were talking about my situation. She asked me bottom line do i feel like I'm better off with or without him? I thought for a second and said without. She pointed out to me that I had my answer then didn't I? 

How are you doing RG? Seems like you (I'm afraid to say it out loud) are having a good week.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I'm doing okay RG, thanks for asking. Taking it one day at a time ya' know. Work is keeping me busy this week. It helps that I really like the people I work with. I look forward to seeing them.
> 
> It's been a week of a lot of thinking and soul searching. Having contact with him triggers that.
> 
> ...


Yep, you sure do.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hey Smallsteps,

I tried to send you a PM but your box is full. Thought I'd let you know. 

Thanks


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Hey Smallsteps,
> 
> I tried to send you a PM but your box is full. Thought I'd let you know.
> 
> Thanks


Thanks, I just emptied it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Today my stbxh took my youngest out for the day. Then later, once my older kids get home from work, they're all going to meet at D' s apartment for dinner. (No girlfriend, he's been smart enough to keep her and the kids separate.)

I'm sort of feeling down because it's a family thing they're doing and I'm not there. I know I'm not supposed to be but it doesn't make it any better.

Then he calls about a half hour ago to see if S15 needs anything else for school. The conversation went fine. As a matter of fact it got friendly which I shouldn't have let happen. I hate when this happens. It's a nice conversation but I end up paying for it in the end.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Small, we're still in the grieving process-losing the family we all wanted. I've just accepted that its going to take as long as it takes, but that there is an end. Take extra good care of yourself. Pamper yourself or go out with a girlfriend. 
Hugs


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hugs, SSteps. I remember those days of the 'almost friendly conversations.' Try to keep detaching, and not give any meaning to it. His actions haven't changed.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks Pluto and Angel. What's bad about it is the one thing I missed about him were our phone conversations. We may not have got along when we were in the same room, but we could always have a good phone conversation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Today my stbxh took my youngest out for the day. Then later, once my older kids get home from work, they're all going to meet at D' s apartment for dinner. (No girlfriend, he's been smart enough to keep her and the kids separate.)
> 
> I'm sort of feeling down because it's a family thing they're doing and I'm not there. I know I'm not supposed to be but it doesn't make it any better.
> 
> Then he calls about a half hour ago to see if S15 needs anything else for school. The conversation went fine. As a matter of fact it got friendly which I shouldn't have let happen. I hate when this happens. It's a nice conversation but I end up paying for it in the end.


Enforce your boundary


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Today my stbxh took my youngest out for the day. Then later, once my older kids get home from work, they're all going to meet at D' s apartment for dinner. (No girlfriend, he's been smart enough to keep her and the kids separate.)
> 
> I'm sort of feeling down because it's a family thing they're doing and I'm not there. I know I'm not supposed to be but it doesn't make it any better.
> 
> Then he calls about a half hour ago to see if S15 needs anything else for school. The conversation went fine. As a matter of fact it got friendly which I shouldn't have let happen. I hate when this happens. It's a nice conversation but I end up paying for it in the end.


Hey smallsteps,
I struggled earlier in the year with the whole family thing without me. Holidays sucked - even if the kids were with me 

What I did in May was cut all verbal contact with posSTBX. If the kids need something from him, they go straight to him. If I need to communicate something about the D or the house, I email him. I have not spoken or even acknowledged his presence when he picks or drops off the kids since May. Not worth my time or energy. It really makes handling things much easier.

Mine has not brought posOW around them either. Son made it crystal clear he will NOT accept it, period.

Hang in there, ss!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> Hey smallsteps,
> I struggled earlier in the year with the whole family thing without me. Holidays sucked - even if the kids were with me
> 
> What I did in May was cut all verbal contact with posSTBX. If the kids need something from him, they go straight to him. If I need to communicate something about the D or the house, I email him. I have not spoken or even acknowledged his presence when he picks or drops off the kids since May. Not worth my time or energy. It really makes handling things much easier.
> ...


Thanks LA. I know I need to do that. It's the advice I give everyone, I need to learn to follow it myself.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So it looks like I've been replaced. 

My stbxh had a tattoo for me. It was a rose with my name in it. He got it after we became engaged.

All summer when he was around the kids, he would wear long sleeves. Even in 95° heat.

Yesterday he wears short sleeves in front of them. The kids came home from their visit and tell me my tattoo has been covered over completely and he has her name on his arm now.

Does it hurt? Yeah a little, but I knew he'd do it. OW was not going to put up looking at my name on his arm. I'm sort of surprised that he put her name on so fast but I have to remember it's not my concern anymore. He can put whatever he wants, wherever he wants. He's an idiot.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> So it looks like I've been replaced.
> 
> My stbxh had a tattoo for me. It was a rose with my name in it. He got it after we became engaged.
> 
> ...


Repeat as needed


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> So it looks like I've been replaced.
> 
> My stbxh had a tattoo for me. It was a rose with my name in it. He got it after we became engaged.
> 
> ...


First, what Pluto said...repeat as needed.

And what cracks me up is how many cover ups can you put on a tattoo???? You do realize that the stats on his relationship with posOW lasting is slim to none...relationships built on lies and fantasy rarely last.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Hey SS, just think of how funny it will be when this relationship fails and stupid has to front up at the tattoo parlor again with his tail between his legs.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> First, what Pluto said...repeat as needed.
> 
> And what cracks me up is how many cover ups can you put on a tattoo???? You do realize that the stats on his relationship with posOW lasting is slim to none...relationships built on lies and fantasy rarely last.


From what my kids said it looks hideous. They came home thinking he's lost his mind.

I have a feeling he will defy the odds, just because of the circumstances. How long they've been together, the fact that he has no backup plan and he's a narcissist. If he makes a choice it can't be wrong.

He lives in the moment, he never thinks ahead or thinks about the consequences of his actions. All I need to do is look at our history to draw that conclusion.

From the time we started dating until we were married - barely 5 months.

We had our first kid, I suggested life insurance. We saw an agent, he didn't want it.
We bought a house, again I suggested it. Never got it.

He liked to spend money to make himself happy. Getting new things was more important than putting money away for later.

Heck, forcing the ow on the kids! All he knew was he was making her happy. He never considered the fallout it would have on the kids and his relationship with them.

I could go on but I think you get the point. In his mind, this new relationship is forever. He's not thinking about what may happen in the future.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Hey SS, just think of how funny it will be when this relationship fails and stupid has to front up at the tattoo parlor again with his tail between his legs.


If that happens, I'll just sit back and laugh.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

He thought your M was forever too, until he changed his mind. It won't last.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ha ha, maybe he'll show up on that show tattoo nightmares with 18 different covered up tattoos and they'll have to put something huge and ugly on him to cover them. This is why you don't tattoo a partners name on your body.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ha ha, maybe he'll show up on that show tattoo nightmares with 18 different covered up tattoos and they'll have to put something huge and ugly on him to cover them. * This is why you don't tattoo a partners name on your body.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Butbutbut -- _this_ one's going to be for *forrrevvverrrr*. (he says, to one woman after another  :rofl


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

The kids said he covered it with some kind of blue rose with a leopard coming out of it that wraps around his forearm. He also put a random dancing devil next to it. Good luck trying to change that someday.

Maybe her name is on the devil.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Butbutbut -- _this_ one's going to be for *forrrevvverrrr*. (he says, to one woman after another  :rofl


Rainbows/unicorns/soulmates.....ha ha ha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well today is one of those days that I'm a little uneasy about. He asked to take my boys to dinner tonight (D is off to a concert tonight so she isn't going) after I come home from work.

First, I'm pretty sure I'm going to run into him, maybe not but I have to consider the possibility.

Second, I'm a little worried about the dinner. It's Saturday night, she's sitting home while he takes them out? I'm afraid he's planning on trying to show up with her again. I hope I'm wrong.

On an unrelated note he called yesterday. He originally texted me but I never answered (I honestly didn't see it).
He asked why I didn't answer his text, I was honest,told him I didn't see it. He asked how S15 was when he went to school 

Sidenote - this is the first time in 19 years he wasn't here or involved for back to school. Hey, this was his choice to leave.

In the course of our conversation about the kids (and that is where the conversation stayed. It did not stray beyond that) he realized that there are certain nights my S15 may be alone because I work and S20 has an evening class. He then offers to come to the house and stay with S15 to keep him company until we get home.

I wasn't comfortable with that so I told him we were okay, we'd work it out. I don't need him sitting here on Monday and Thursday nights. 

Of course there is the cat. We adopted a cat about a month ago because the kids and I always wanted another (we had one for 20 years, then got the dog when she passed away). He always said no. He was dead set against it. Well, my house now, my decision.

The thought of him sitting there with our cat roaming around and him having heart failure because there's nothing he can do about it made me laugh lol!!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Good call on not allowing him in your home, absolutely no reason for him to be within your household.


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

What is it with our exes thinking it's okay to sit at our homes and keep the kids (that they left) company? SMH


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know, control maybe? They have to keep a grip on what was once "theirs".

Since day one mine has tried to keep involved. Originally when he first left he told the kids that if anything broke and needed fixing in the house he would come do it. We learned to fix things ourselves.

I allow him in the yard to visit the kids and the dog. I do not want him in the house, it's pushing it too far.


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

You're right, it's control. I also think they don't want to let go.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Left With 4.5 said:


> You're right, it's control. I also think they don't want to let go.


True, theyre in such a rush to get out the door and move on that they don't think of the consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

do you have any male friends you can accompany you especially whom he doesn't know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What I want to know is what you are doing on the 15th for your birthday with your kids???

I just read all your all your threads.

He is a coward. He blindsided you. He blindsided his kids.

You are better off without him. It might not feel like that very often but you truly are.

You should put the cat litter where he puts the bagels.

Have a good night SS.

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> do you have any male friends you can accompany you especially whom he doesn't know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure what you mean. My kids went to dinner. They ended up meeting him, my S20 drove.

No ow, they had dinner and went shopping.

I got a phone call from him while he was waiting for the boys to meet him. He wanted to tell me about more medical procedures he needs to have done. Turns out the stomach issues are not going away. He had run into D24 at the grocery store and asked if he couldn't get a ride home from the procedure could she get him. He thought it was important for him to let me know before d24 told me.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> What I want to know is what you are doing on the 15th for your birthday with your kids???
> 
> I just read all your all your threads.
> 
> ...


Thanks HM, I try to remind myself of that every day.

On my birthday? I took the day off work. D24 is making dinner and having the whole family over to her apartment.

D20 will make a cake. He's awesome at it. Made his sister a replica of the Northwestern from Deadliest Catch for her birthday.

I'm just going to enjoy my day. 

Have a good night too HM


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

One other suggestion if you feel you can do this without getting emotional.

The next time he has the kids for dinner. All of them.

You go to. Surprise him, but not the kids.

Just dinner as a family. Nothing more.

It could be your way of saying that his crappy decisions will not stop you from being awesome with your kids.

I think the look on his face would be priceless to you.

But more importantly this lets him know that his decision to cheat and divorce will not ever define you.

Just think of the conversation he would have when he gets home if he tells his GF the truth.

One reason I suggest this action is because of who she is and how long she has known your family.

It is just a suggestion. It also shows him that you value your "family" above him and his new relationship.

No matter what keep kicking butt.

And his stomach issues is what I call karma.

Have a great Sunday.

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> One other suggestion if you feel you can do this without getting emotional.
> 
> The next time he has the kids for dinner. All of them.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the suggestion but I don't think in ready to be in that type of situation. Too many memories.

There was one day in the spring he came to the house. He was in the yard with the dog. He asked to see me, then one by one each of the kids came out until it was all 5 of us and the dog hanging out in the yard. It sent me reeling for a few days.

I'm sure he doesn't tell her the truth. He's a master at hiding the truth or twisting it to his benefit. If he lied to me I'm sure he's lying to her.

That's probably what's behind his stomach issues, how many lies and cover ups can he tell and keep up with all of them before it begins to affect him?

It would also give him exactly what he wants. When he left he said to me he just wants us all to "get along". 

It's a beautiful day here in NJ. Nice day to plant the fall mums I bought for the yard.

Enjoy your Sunday HM.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Perfect day for outdoor work. Taking my middle one to her first soccer game of the season then both kids to my parents for the last swim of the season.

And I understand the "get along" feeling.

But when your feet are firmly under you just think about it.

It has nothing to do with giving him what he wants at all.

Because sadly your husbands issues have very little to do with you. And the OW will lose out as well.

Because your STBX is a glass half full. And only he can fix that.

Not you. Not her and not the kids.

And you know just what the odds are of him ever fixing those issues.

So stay on course. Get strong. Be healthy.

And live for the day.

HM


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Perfect day for outdoor work. Taking my middle one to her first soccer game of the season then both kids to my parents for the last swim of the season.
> 
> And I understand the "get along" feeling.
> 
> ...





happyman64 said:


> One other suggestion if you feel you can do this without getting emotional.
> 
> The next time he has the kids for dinner. All of them.
> 
> ...


HappyMan- You give the BEST advice!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Perfect day for outdoor work. Taking my middle one to her first soccer game of the season then both kids to my parents for the last swim of the season.
> 
> And I understand the "get along" feeling.
> 
> ...


Thanks HM.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It is easy to give good advice when you are happy.

So I suggest to all of you to shutoff TAM, get outside, soak up some vitamin D and breathe some clean air.

Or just call someone and tell them you love them.

Out to the soccer field with my kids to take my own advice.

Peace.

HM


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Took your suggestion HM. Still was checking in here and there but got outside, ran errands, watched some football with my kids and made a great dinner which we sat as a family and enjoyed.

Still ended up feeling sort of lousy at the end of the day. Hopefully it's just a spill over from yesterday's encounter and things will be better tomorrow.

After thinking about why he may start these conversations with me it made me feel a bit used.

See, his goal, in his delusional mind, is for him and her to blend their families. My kids want no part of it. So maybe he's trying it from a different angle. Make peace with me, show the kids we're getting along (he made sure to tell the boys that we had a good conversation. wtf??) Then when everything is calm he'll try to introduce her again. 

I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking things again. I'm in one of those moods where I worry about what my future is going to be like. I know I am so much better without him but I still get mad at him for what he did and how he did it and I still worry that maybe that happy ending isn't out there for me.

I'm hoping I wake up in a better mood tomorrow and this will have passed.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I do believe you know by now that we make our "own" happy endings in life.


Sure, it would have been great to have idyllic marriage, life and family.

But you can only control you. 

The key is to take control. Don't let him pull his nonsense. You see it happening, hence my suggestion to go to dinner with your family.

Sure the doofus will be there. But now he cannot spin it to your kids. Enjoy the dinner. Have a laugh. Let him pay the bill.
Then lean over, kiss him on the cheek and whisper in his ear "Thanks @sshole. If you keep f'ing with our kids feelings you will lose them forever. Knock it off."

That is just one way to assert control.

You see SS, he thinks he only walked out on you. He did not.

But you can only do something like this when you are ready. When you are strong.

You are experiencing many idifferent forces and emotions at this moment in time. Getting blindsided and being forced to make many life changes quickly can do that.

Find your balance first before anything else.

Glad you enjoyed the day. And I look forward to the day when you start enjoying life. Again.

HM


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> I do believe you know by now that we make our "own" happy endings in life.
> 
> 
> Sure, it would have been great to have idyllic marriage, life and family.
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Hey ss,

How are things going?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> Hey ss,
> 
> How are things going?


I'm okay LA. I had my 45th birthday a week and a half ago. I had started another thread because stbxh sent me a happy birthday text.

It was "even though you didn't wish me one, Happy Birthday"

I replied "yeah, well I was a bit upset with you at the time. Thank you"

It felt good to give that answer. 

His birthday was in March, two months after he left, was he seriously expecting me to text him for his birthday? Lol.

Anyway the Sunday morning bagels have stopped after like 5 weeks.

I heard from him yesterday. He picked up a driver's ed book from motor vehicle for s15. He commented on the fact that it's a scary thought that our youngest will soon be driving. He also asked if d24 passed off his congratulations to my mother who ran off to city hall last week to marry her boyfriend of 20 years. I said yes.

It was also 5 yrs since his mother passed away I mentioned how she always was good to me and treated me like her own daughter (she did, he was an only child).

My job is going really well. The people there are great. We all like each other and we have a good time working together. They've increased my hours which I take as a good sign.

Other than that I'm just rolling along.

How's things with you?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Happy belated birthday small steps!!!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

No more bagels?? hmmm...cannot even commit to breakfast LOL

The birthday thing...really??? How dense can they be?!?

I had the opposite with my posSTBX...on our 20th anniversary in January after 6 months of separation and divorce attny acquired, he sent me a 8 paragraph goopy email about our marriage...?!?!? ugh - gak. Then on Mothers day a text and card wishing me a good one...ugh. Immediately called him and told him STOP! I do not need or want your well wishes!!

Limited contact with him since May has helped me tremendously!

Glad your job is going well. Its nice to have one thing in life working well when it seems the rest is in upheaval! 

Things are moving forward here: 

Offer for the short sale accepted so closing should be on or before October 31.

Both retirement QDROs have been accepted by administrators so the court can approve once decree is issued (which I am HOPING is by the end of this week!!!)

Kids are dealing okay with things. Although DS20 just told me he asked his dad to stay over Friday night and hang out with him but was informed that posOW will be there because she's been away and poor old posSTBX hasn't seen her in a while. So poor kid's been blown off for the piece of a$$...and DS' birthday is on Monday!

Other than that...trucking on...

Good to hear from ya  Hang in there and take care!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Happy belated birthday small steps!!!


Thanks RG. Same to you.

Nice to see you back. You had everyone a little worried about you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks RG. Same to you.
> 
> Nice to see you back. You had everyone a little worried about you.


YesAnd happy birthday!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Yes, happy belated birthday!!! 

Mine is coming up in October and hope to be a properly divorced woman! lol


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

tom67 said:


> YesAnd happy birthday!


Thanks Tom!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> Yes, happy belated birthday!!!
> 
> Mine is coming up in October and hope to be a properly divorced woman! lol


Thanks LA!

October - what date?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LA it's a damn shame when they put posow above their kids.

Mine only sees them every other week. I think if posow was involved in the visits he would see them more often.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hi Small Steps ~

I finally read your entire thread as it was time for me to stop thinking about me and to try to help those who have helped me.

Your STBX sounds like a doozie !!!

Just my two cents:

He seems to have some level of regret about leaving you and his children. 

The OW is going to get fed up staying at home when he takes out his children. She may eventually start whining because he is hiding her.

He does seem as if he is still in a fog because it seems that he did not completely realize the consequences of leaving home.

The comment about you missing his birthday was just a pity party for himself. Really, what did he expect?

I am glad that you can admit that you are better off without him, I hope I can say the same thing soon.

Take Care ~

VH


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Happy birthday for the other day SS

Speaking of birthdays, I'm at a hospital right now waiting for my almost born child to have his/her birthday! Hopefully it's today.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Happy birthday for the other day SS
> 
> Speaking of birthdays, I'm at a hospital right now waiting for my almost born child to have his/her birthday! Hopefully it's today.


Hey Torn thanks and congratulations!!

Another September baby!! It will be a Libra - that's a good sign to be born under.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

torn2012 said:


> Happy birthday for the other day SS
> 
> Speaking of birthdays, I'm at a hospital right now waiting for my almost born child to have his/her birthday! Hopefully it's today.


Cool News !!!

I am an Ex Labor and Delivery Nurse.

How many cm's?

VH


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi Small Steps ~
> 
> I finally read your entire thread as it was time for me to stop thinking about me and to try to help those who have helped me.
> 
> ...


Thanks VH. This actually wasn't my first thread I have a few. The original one was " New to this forum-my story happened almost two months ago" I'm no good at adding links lol.

Honestly I can't let it drive me crazy. Because of his health issues yeah I would say on some level it bothers him but that's on him now. It was his choice to leave.

He is in a fog. They defy statistics because the more they are outed the more they shut themselves off from everyone else. Whatever. 

That comment about my birthday just proved to me he hasn't changed a bit. It's always about him.

Yes I am better off without him. It still gets to me sometimes. I miss having "someone" but hopefully someday I will meet a guy who is the complete opposite of what he was. In the meantime I'll just continue to learn and improve myself so I don't make the same mistake twice.

You'll get there too someday VH, I'm sure of it.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

They haven't checked yet. Apparently we're not far enough along for them to do that. Ruptured the membrane 14 hours ago.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> They haven't checked yet. Apparently we're not far enough along for them to do that. Ruptured the membrane 14 hours ago.


You sure? They usually check every few hours.

Keep us posted!!


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

The ob said that they will delay doing that until they decide she is in "proper" labour. Something about reduing the risk of infection.

Good news! The midwife thinks the baby has moved. No longer posterior. Time to tuck into some hospital food.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> The ob said that they will delay doing that until they decide she is in "proper" labour. Something about reduing the risk of infection.
> 
> Good news! The midwife thinks the baby has moved. No longer posterior. Time to tuck into some hospital food.


Good luck, sounds like you're in for a long night, well I think it's daytime there right? Lol.

Like I said keep us posted.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

9am here. Thanks!


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

25 hours since the water broke and still no baby. 6cm at last check.

Epidural is now in and boy it makes a difference. I might see if I can get me one of those the next time I have the man flu.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> 25 hours since the water broke and still no baby. 6cm at last check.
> 
> Epidural is now in and boy it makes a difference. I might see if I can get me one of those the next time I have the man flu.


I had one of those with my first baby, my other two babies I had nothing lol.

It was amazing, I felt nothing. Too bad I waited too long to ask for it in the first place because when it started to wear off they were going to give me more. When they came in and checked I was 10 cm. They said "no more, time to push" ugh lol!!

Sounds like she's getting there Torn. Your new little one should be here soon!


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Finally! It's a little man. We named him Frankie. He's a handsome little fella.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Finally! It's a little man. We named him Frankie. He's a handsome little fella.


Congratulations!!!!!! That's wonderful news!! So very happy for the two of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks LA!
> 
> October - what date?


18th


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Finally! It's a little man. We named him Frankie. He's a handsome little fella.


Congrats!!! Welcome to the world, Frankie  Love your name!!


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks everyone. Sorry about the thread jack Small. It's not often you get to brag about these things so I'm doing it wherever possible.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> Finally! It's a little man. We named him Frankie. He's a handsome little fella.


Congratulations!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Thanks everyone. Sorry about the thread jack Small. It's not often you get to brag about these things so I'm doing it wherever possible.


Nothing to apologize for. Borrow my thread anytime. Its nice to see good news!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Wonderful News.......Congratulations !!!!

Happy Birthday Frankie !!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> 18th


My son is Oct. 27


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> My son is Oct. 27


My two grandchildren are Oct. 27th - born 3 years and 15 minutes apart


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

This will make you cringe:

My son was due on October 14 and he was born on November 1

Do the math !!!

VH


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> This will make you cringe:
> 
> My son was due on October 14 and he was born on November 1
> 
> ...


Wow that's overdue!!

My daughter was born on her due date and my sons were born 10 days early.

My youngest was almost born in an elevator because I waited too long and he decided he was in a rush to make an appearance. Not a good combination lol!!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Small Steps: I felt as if I was pregnant for 10 months !!!!

VH


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Small Steps: I felt as if I was pregnant for 10 months !!!!
> 
> VH



I would imagine so!!!


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

It's nice to be able to talk about the nice things in life on a forum filled with such heartache.

Next time I step in an elevator the thought of someone haveing a baby in there will probably cross my mind. Could be worse places to be born I suppose.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> It's nice to be able to talk about the nice things in life on a forum filled with such heartache.
> 
> Next time I step in an elevator the thought of someone haveing a baby in there will probably cross my mind. Could be worse places to be born I suppose.


Lol, I said almost. I made it to the birthing suite but not to the birthing room. He was born where they check you in and get you set up. They had to clear that room out for me.

It has been nice to follow your journey the past 2 days. It a positive story for a change. Thanks for including us!

How is the little guy doing?


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

He is doing great. He's quiet and a good sleeper like his old man was. Very placid compared to some of the babies in the ward.

Hasn't quite got the hang of breastfeeding yet but he's trying.

He looks just like I did in my baby photos. I guess that means he'll be handsome when he's older too!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> He is doing great. He's quiet and a good sleeper like his old man was. Very placid compared to some of the babies in the ward.
> 
> Hasn't quite got the hang of breastfeeding yet but he's trying.
> 
> He looks just like I did in my baby photos. I guess that means he'll be handsome when he's older too!


Glad to hear he's a content little guy. 

He'll figure out the breastfeeding thing lol. Most of them usually do, I know since all three of mine did. Although I learned after my first one to introduce the breast milk in a bottle pretty quickly. I didn't appreciate acting like a human cow for a year and a half lol!!

Must be nice that he looks like you, you've got a "mini me" or should I say "mini you"? lol!! Feel free to post a photo if you want.

I wish you guys much health and happiness with little Frankie.

Keep us updated when you can!!


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

The male instincts must be kicking in. The little man now thinks boobers are alright.

It's a life long obsession


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Human cow. Haha. Pictured my partner kneeling over a farmer's pail...


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> The male instincts must be kicking in. The little man now thinks boobers are alright.
> 
> It's a life long obsession


Lol, yeah it will be.

Glad to hear he got the hang of things.

Oh and try to wipe that image of your partner over a milking pail out of your head. You don't need that mental image lingering in your mind. LOL!!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Bagel delivery this morning and he threw the newspaper over the back fence. Lol. Smh.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Bagel delivery this morning and he threw the newspaper over the back fence. Lol. Smh.


Enjoy the bagels.

At least that idiot gets one thing right....

Enjoy the weather. The leaves are turning.

I am up in Goshen today and it is beautiful.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

"Hey, I'm a nice guy. I do nice things for the woman I totally screwed over. Don't be mad at me everyone."

As subtle as a sledgehammer.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Enjoy the bagels.
> 
> At least that idiot gets one thing tight....
> 
> ...


My cousin lives in Goshen.

It is quiet nice out today, you're right. Just going to relax and enjoy my day. 

Have a great time there with whatever you're doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> "Hey, I'm a nice guy. I do nice things for the woman I totally screwed over. Don't be mad at me everyone."
> 
> As subtle as a sledgehammer.


At least you get bagels. My ex comes over, stays at the house and has the nerve to ask me to pick up some items so he can make some lunch for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> "Hey, I'm a nice guy. I do nice things for the woman I totally screwed over. Don't be mad at me everyone."
> 
> As subtle as a sledgehammer.


Lol, you're so right!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> "Hey, I'm a nice guy. I do nice things for the woman I totally screwed over. Don't be mad at me everyone."
> 
> As subtle as a sledgehammer.


Ain't it the truth!!! Whatever makes it ok for them in their delusional screwed up heads, eh?


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Yep. When you can see it for what it is... it's just sad.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Left With 4.5 said:


> At least you get bagels. My ex comes over, stays at the house and has the nerve to ask me to pick up some items so he can make some lunch for the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's a moron 4.5. Tell him to go pick up lunch for the kids himself. You have to set some ground rules with him, like when he visits he has to act as if he has them on his own. You aren't his go to person. Ugh, that makes me so mad!!!!!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> Ain't it the truth!!! Whatever makes it ok for them in their delusional screwed up heads, eh?


Absolutely LA. He does it more for him and the kids. This has nothing to do with me.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> We're not talking about a mature adult here.
> 
> So this is the second week in a row that their father told them he cant meet with them. He told them he has a sore throat.
> 
> ...


The kind with a guilty conscience


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I'm going with the fog. You see 1- his little plan to get the kids to accept the ow backfired on him because the kids want nothing to do with her. Now this makes it difficult to visit with them because she cant join them.
> 2- last summer he had "business trips" every weekend it seemed. He'd leave on a Saturday morning and come home on Sunday later in the day. (I know - giant red flag - but he was a road salesman so it was plausible). I'm wondering if they didn't have a weekly "thing" they did during the summer.
> Either way - hes putting her in front of them.


This will eventually be thier undoing


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> This will eventually be thier undoing


I don't know 55, they've known each other for a very long time. My stbxh went from living with his parents for 22 years to living with me for the next 25 then to her, someone he's known for 20 years. I think you see the pattern here, he'll move heaven and earth to make it work with her. He doesn't have any other option.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Just Watch


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Well I guess I had to see him sooner or later. He took my son out to work with him last week. My son called when they were on their way home. He asked if his father could visit the dog in the yard. I was already out there with her so I said fine.
> He came in and visited. It was awkward, this was the first time I've seen him since we found out who the ow is. *I noticed one thing though, he was on the ground with the dog and I was standing up leaning on the table, he could not look at me. He did look up at one point but quickly looked away.* I have to admit, it made me feel like I have the upper hand just a bit.
> Oh and the bagels were at the door again this morning lol.


His guilt will rob any happiness they will not survive

Count on it to fail

Guilt is a wasteful emotion the only way to be rid of it is to do the right thing

The best you can hope for is vindication


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

The next time he brings bagels 

Just feed them to the dog

After all he cares more for the dog than you and his children

Absolutly shameful


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi Small Steps ~
> 
> I finally read your entire thread as it was time for me to stop thinking about me and to try to help those who have helped me.
> 
> ...


I guarantee he has an overwhelming amount of regret

And it will get worse


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> The next time he brings bagels
> 
> Just feed them to the dog
> 
> ...


He cares about his kids the best he knows how. He didn't have a very good relationship with them before he left, the only relationship he had with them was through me.

I'm not helping him build his relationship with them now, he needs to figure that out himself.

As for the bagels and everything else it's all for the kids and the dog, not me. That's fine, I've learned to live with that. I've always said if he can remove me from the scenario he'll get everything he wants.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> He cares about his kids the best he knows how. He didn't have a very good relationship with them before he left, the only relationship he had with them was through me.
> 
> I'm not helping him build his relationship with them now, he needs to figure that out himself.
> 
> As for the bagels and everything else it's all for the kids and the dog, not me. That's fine, I've learned to live with that. I've always said if he can remove me from the scenario he'll get everything he wants.


All he will get is hit by the Karma Bus

Ask HM64


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> All he will get is hit by the Karma Bus
> 
> Ask HM64


I'm counting on it to some extent. Truth is his health is bad. Stomach problems since he's left both lower and upper. I suggested stress he said "no". I chuckled. Let him believe what he wants.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Small steps .....Listen

I know this guy. I was him. I made every mistake a man could make.

But I didn't make this one.

I thought I could leave.The kids would understand one day.

Not a chance young lady. Not a fvcking chance. That mistake /choice is forever. Only a completely delusional person could think that way.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Small steps .....Listen
> 
> I know this guy. I was him. I made every mistake a man could make.
> 
> ...


Funny you should say those exact words.

The night he left he stood in the living room and was about to tell the kids when I decided to blurt it out myself. In all one breath I said he was leaving, he wasn't happy with me and he found someone else.

I know it wasn't the best way to tell them but he had just dropped this bomb on me out of nowhere, I wasn't letting him spin his bs on the kids.

He then continued into the bedroom and began to gather his things. I warned him that the children will never forgive him. He told me "one day they'll understand"


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Smallsteps at 45 you are just getting started my wife is 56 and better than ever I would not trade her in for the OW from 20 + years ago at this very moment.

Sure the OW was very hot. But so is my wife I am so glad I came to my senses and did not make a monumentally bad decision. The pain that I would have caused my children, my wife and entire family, including my parents and my wife’s parents would have been devastating. These are the consequences that your husband failed to understand. It is incomprehensible that a father of 3 (or in my case 4) could be so very selfish.

When think now had I done the worst thing I could do, my children’s lives would be very different today. All four are well educated and fulfilling their dreams.

Very unlikely this could have happened if I had left. I hope this decision by your POSH does not prevent your children from realizing thiers.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

My kids are older 55. D24, S20, & S15.

D24 graduated magna cum laude with a bs in business administration with a concentration in accounting. She's landed a very well paying job as a staff accountant at a retirement firm.

S20 is graduating in May. He's on track to graduate summa cum laude with the same degree as his sister. He's already interning at the same company as his sister.

S15 is a good student. He's in honors algebra 2 (a year ahead of where he should be) and honors biology. He's doing very well.

So you see my children will achieve what they need to and hopefully will end up happy adults in the end. 

My fear is their emotional well being.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> My kids are older 55. D24, S20, & S15.
> 
> D24 graduated magna cum laude with a bs in business administration with a concentration in accounting. She's landed a very well paying job as a staff accountant at a retirement firm.
> 
> ...



Smallsteps I am so pleased and proud for you and your children’s accomplishments. As parents we feel that sense of pride and accomplishment vicariously with our love and support.
My four 

S32 Executive Producer Evening News in a large media market 

S29 Guest Services Manager in a World Class Hotel

D 27 DC of Chiropractic & PhD in Clinical Nutrition

D 24 New Patient Coordinator for the country’s leading Cancer Treatment Center in Boston 

They continue to seek emotional support as I and more than likely you have from your parents as long as they are alive.

I would bet a great deal of their success is due to your nurturing love and support. I bet his contribution was 95% financial.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> My cousin lives in Goshen.
> 
> It is quiet nice out today, you're right. Just going to relax and enjoy my day.
> 
> ...


I was working. helping my brother and Dad with a project for a family friend.

The project is almost done. My last 3 Sundays have been n Goshen.

One more to go.

But it is beautiful there.

I hope you got to enjoy your Sunday.
And not just the bagels......


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It is great to your kids doing so well.

Their emotional well being will be just fine.

They have you as their example.

Keep doing what you can do.

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Smallsteps I am so pleased and proud for you and your children’s accomplishments. As parents we feel that sense of pride and accomplishment vicariously with our love and support.
> My four
> 
> S32 Executive Producer Evening News in a large media market
> ...


That is something to be very proud of 55, sounds like you have some wonderful kids there.

Thank you. Yes I was a sthm while they were growing up, he worked. That is the one decent thing he continues to do. He gives me enough money that I only needed to get a part time job, which has done wonders for my mental well being. 


Do I wish he had come to his senses before he decided to leave? Yes.
Do I wish the night he told me he was leaving he would have agreed with me to seek mc?
Yes.

But he didn't. So now I'm on this path that I am trying to navigate. Hopefully I come out of this better than I was before and the kids are happy and healthy.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> It is great to your kids doing so well.
> 
> Their emotional well being will be just fine.
> 
> ...


Thanks HM. I'm trying.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks HM. I'm trying.


There is no trying SS. There is only do!

And when I see/hear about your kids accomplishments it means you are doing it.

You are there for them.



> Do I wish he had come to his senses before he decided to leave? Yes.
> Do I wish the night he told me he was leaving he would have agreed with me to seek mc?
> Yes.


And as outsider I see your comments above and wanted to comment.

His actions have nothing to do with coming to his senses. Nor was his lack of desire to give your marriage a chance through MC.

He is missing a basic quality. Honesty/Integrity.

Because if he was honest with you he would have shared his feelings/turmoil that was going on within him. 

He still has those feelings today.

And of course he did not want to go to MC with you. He screwed you over. He abandoned not only you but his family, his children.

That is the sign of a coward.

What does a man do that lacks honesty and acts like a coward.

He drops off bagels at his families home and keeps making sure the $$$ are there to pay the bills.

In reality he is trying not be dishonest and be a coward and he does not know how.

How sad for him.

You did not ask for this curve ball at this stage of your life but I think you have met this challenge in the best way that you can.

Keep doing it. You are way past trying when you really think about it.

IMO at least. 

HM64


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> There is no trying SS. There is only do!
> 
> And when I see/hear about your kids accomplishments it means you are doing it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

:smthumbup:


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> There is no trying SS. There is only do!
> 
> And when I see/hear about your kids accomplishments it means you are doing it.
> 
> ...


Small steps you will undoubtedly be better & stronger than ever

HM 64 is exactly correct I too was lacking in those areas as well as being a coward But at least I did come to my senses


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> There is no trying SS. There is only do!
> 
> And when I see/hear about your kids accomplishments it means you are doing it.
> 
> ...


HM everything you wrote here is so true. You described my ex. I hope Small's husband will come to his senses. Mine is still in denial mode and blames me for everything wrong in his life.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> HM everything you wrote here is so true. You described my ex. I hope Small's husband will come to his senses. Mine is still in denial mode and blames me for everything wrong in his life.


The next time he blames you for something hold up a mirror so he sees his own reflection then tell him "this is the person you should be mad at."

Leave him with the mirror.

Sooner or later he is going to look.

Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

HM


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> The next time he blames you for something hold up a mirror so he sees his own reflection then tell him "this is the person you should be mad at."
> 
> Leave him with the mirror.
> 
> ...


Wow, you're gooood!:smthumbup:


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> Wow, you're gooood!:smthumbup:


Not good. Just experienced. I have had to look in a mirror a few times in this lifetime.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Not good. Just experienced. I have had to look in a mirror a few times in this lifetime.


How many of us have had to look in the mirror at some point in our lives

It can be the most fearful thing you will ever do

But if you don't.......

Repeat your bad choices over & over until your live crumbles


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> My kids are older 55. D24, S20, & S15.
> 
> D24 graduated magna cum laude with a bs in business administration with a concentration in accounting. She's landed a very well paying job as a staff accountant at a retirement firm.
> 
> ...


Small Steps ~
Please tell your children that I am proud of them !!!
VH


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Small Steps ~
> Please tell your children that I am proud of them !!!
> VH


Thanks VH.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Left With 4.5 said:


> HM everything you wrote here is so true. You described my ex. I hope Small's husband will come to his senses. Mine is still in denial mode and blames me for everything wrong in his life.


4.5 he'll never come to his senses because as far as he's concerned he did nothing wrong, what he did was best for everyone.

If there is one thing that stands out from our marriage it was his inability to ever admit he was wrong.

It's fine though. I just need to accept that it is what it is and figure out how to move on. He's never going to change, now he's someone else's problem.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> There is no trying SS. There is only do!
> 
> And when I see/hear about your kids accomplishments it means you are doing it.
> 
> ...


You are very right HM. Honesty was not his strong suite, neither was integrity. I did a lot of covering for his behavior for many years.

Whatever made me think he would hold me or our relationship to a higher standard is beyond me. I was fooling myself.

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. It's been one of those days and I greatly appreciate them.

I am far from done with this, I'm working every day to become more at peace with things and be a better person.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Small steps you will undoubtedly be better & stronger than ever


I'm counting on it someday.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



happyman64 said:


> There is no trying SS. There is only do!
> 
> And when I see/hear about your kids accomplishments it means you are doing it.
> 
> ...


Very very good post HM64.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> You are very right HM. Honesty was not his strong suite, neither was integrity. I did a lot of covering for his behavior for many years.
> 
> Whatever made me think he would hold me or our relationship to a higher standard is beyond me. I was fooling myself.
> 
> ...


Aren't we all. I am right there with you. Every day.

Keep the faith.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> *He's never going to change, now he's someone else's problem.*


Oh,smallsteps - this gets me through MANY a day!!!

No more covering up, no more figuring out what is true and what isn't, no more!! NOT OUR JOBS anymore - it's some other poor sap, eh?

We are lucky


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> 4.5 he'll never come to his senses because as far as he's concerned he did nothing wrong, what he did was best for everyone.
> 
> If there is one thing that stands out from our marriage it was his inability to ever admit he was wrong.
> 
> It's fine though. I just need to accept that it is what it is and figure out how to move on. He's never going to change, now he's someone else's problem.


And he is NEVER going to hold you down or back again

Now you never have to change you can remain you

The you that you know you are and never have to question yourself


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

All of your words are very much appreciated. 

Now that I've started to find myself, I need to make sure to never lose "me" again.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> All of your words are very much appreciated.
> 
> Now that I've started to find myself, I need to make sure to never lose "me" again.


Don't thank us you are doing all the work

We have the pleasure to watch you transform back to the way you were.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Don't thank us you are doing all the work
> 
> We have the pleasure to watch you transform back to the way you were.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Small steps you will undoubtedly be better & stronger than ever
> 
> HM 64 is exactly correct I too was lacking in those areas as well as being a coward But at least I did come to my senses


Sorry Smallsteps, short threadjack here...

*just got it 55* - I am intrigued by your story. Do you have a link to a post that you explain your situation? Am curious to know how and why you "just got it" and came to your senses...if you are willing to share


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> Sorry Smallsteps, short threadjack here...
> 
> *just got it 55* - I am intrigued by your story. Do you have a link to a post that you explain your situation? Am curious to know how and why you "just got it" and came to your senses...if you are willing to share


Go right ahead, he can explain here if he wants.........


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I posted it on RL Girls Thread


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Didn't have the best of days yesterday. He came by to take S15 to the orthodontist. S15 wasn't ready and he was knocking at the door so I saw him. I brought the dog out to him, we didn't say much to each other, actually it was good, no small talk. It still in the end left me with a strange feeling, sort of an emptiness I guess. Maybe it was the lack of things to say. More detachment I suppose.

Then I had back to school night at S15' s school. I knew I'd be seeing people I hadn't seen in a while. Not many people knew, so there was a lot of filling people in. They all said I look great (that's how the conversation would start "omg you lost so much weight, you look great what did you do?") They all described my stbxh with a variety of colorful adjectives. All offered support and I got a hug from one person. At the end of the night I had a long conversation with a friend I hadn't seen in a while.

I was generally fine. S15 has some good teachers this year. The thing was as the night was ending I was sitting in the next to last class it hit me. Last year when I came home from this he was there. We discussed the night and what I thought about the teachers. This year when I got home there'd be no one. 

It was overwhelming to think how my life has changed this year. I guess every time I hit one of these milestones, it throws me into a reflection period. It's hard.

I'm dreading the rest of the year. This is where it's going to get really hard and its not just because of the holidays. The fact is that I'm now aware that all through the holidays last year while we were going about our usual routines, he was spending time with ow and making plans to leave me.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SS

Your feelings are perfectly normal.

You are still mourning the loss of your marriage.

But instead of dreading the oncoming year just embrace it.

Accept the loss. I know this is not easy.

I told a friend going through the same dilemma to do the following:

Put a note on a mirror that he will see every morning when his feet hit the floor.

The note says something like this:

"I will make today a great day! "

Put another note in the kitchen:

"Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life! Make it count!"

It sounds silly but over time you will start to see it, feel it and believe it.

Now that you have lost the weight focus on your attitude. The mind is the real muscle that needs the most work.

You have come too far to stop now. ANd I can tell by your posts you have so much to offer yourself, your children, your friends and yes someday a new significant other.

SO get going.

HM

PS
My buddy was 36 with 2 young daughters when she cheated on him for over a year.

He is now divorced with 2 beautiful daughters, a positive outlook on life and many future possibilities in his future.

He is a work in progress just like yourself. 

But he knows he has much to look forward to just like you.


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I'm dreading the rest of the year. This is where it's going to get really hard and its not just because of the holidays. The fact is that I'm now aware that all through the holidays last year while we were going about our usual routines, he was spending time with ow and making plans to leave me.




Sorry, he's a douche canoe.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

((hugs)), SSteps. I remember those milestones, and they are really tough. I'm sorry that you're hurting like this. But each one you 'knock down' is one you won't have to do again. It's nice that so many people were supportive last night.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I brought the dog out to him, we didn't say much to each other, actually it was good, no small talk.


Can I make one suggestion SS.

The next time he does this just look at him,smile and say this:

"Where are the bagels? You cannot come her unless you have bagels...."

Then just laugh and go on with your business.

Life goes on.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> SS
> 
> Your feelings are perfectly normal.
> 
> ...


Thanks HM.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> ((hugs)), SSteps. I remember those milestones, and they are really tough. I'm sorry that you're hurting like this. But each one you 'knock down' is one you won't have to do again. It's nice that so many people were supportive last night.


Thanks Angel. I can't wait to get them all knocked down, I think it will be such a relief. I'm trying to create new memories so when next year comes around I can dwell on the good past memory not the bad one.

It was a good feeling to know I have that kind of support. It's the one bright spot in all of this.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks Angel. I can't wait to get them all knocked down, I think it will be such a relief. I'm trying to create new memories so when next year comes around I can dwell on the good past memory not the bad one.
> 
> It was a good feeling to know I have that kind of support. It's the one bright spot in all of this.


Smallsteps in the end You wil be the happy one

Be happy do things that make you happy

People are happy to be with happy people

Happy people are infectious

Do everything to make yourself happy

Some day someone is going to happily say

I am sure happy I met you 

I am happy to be with you

Get the theme ???

See my signature
Words to live by Sweetie


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Smallsteps in the end You wil be the happy one
> 
> Be happy do things that make you happy
> 
> ...



Thanks 55 I get it and you are so right.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

There will be a time when you will know that he did you a big favor. I hope that time comes soon.

Until then you have us to lean on 

By the way I'm a big fan of the advice you have been giving others on this forum. Very insightful, intelligent, measured and sound advice. One of the best on the forum in my humble opinion. 

I'm curious, what sort of advice might you give yourself if were analyzing your situation from the outside?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> There will be a time when you will know that he did you a big favor. I hope that time comes soon.
> 
> Until then you have us to lean on
> 
> ...


Great question torn?

I cannot wait for the answer......


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm working. I'll think about it and answer later when I'm home.
Thanks guys. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

BigSteps... Happy is from NY... I say you, Happy and I get together...

We bring the pads and pens and let him preach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> BigSteps... Happy is from NY... I say you, Happy and I get together...
> 
> We bring the pads and pens and let him preach.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No preaching over drinks and appetizers with friends. &#55356;&#57225;&#55356;&#57211;&#55356;&#57188;


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Big Steps... Lets do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

happyman64 said:


> No preaching over drinks and appetizers with friends. ������


Makes me wish I still lived there.

First time for everything


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Makes me wish I still lived there.
> 
> First time for everything


2 of The TAM Titans in one sitting... 

We wouldnt let you guys leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

ss

I'm sorry you had a tough night. I am also dreading the upcoming holidays. 

We can all expect these setbacks. They are normal. 

I'm thinking about young few counties away in new jersey. 

Vh


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey I'm up for it guys, pick a day. I just have to make sure I'm not working.

Great idea RG.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Hey I'm up for it guys, pick a day. I just have to make sure I'm not working.
> 
> Great idea RG.


What size jersey do you wear?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> There will be a time when you will know that he did you a big favor. I hope that time comes soon.
> 
> Until then you have us to lean on
> 
> ...


Thank you Torn, I don't know what to say. I never in a million years thought I would find such great friends (yes I know most of us live far apart, and we are limited to being online friends but I consider you my friends all the same) on this site. 

The thought that people value my opinion humbles me. For many years no one really valued what I had to say so it means so much for you to say that.

I didn't forget your request to see what type of advice I'd give myself. I'm going to do what I would do for anyone else and sleep on it since its so late and give an answer in the morning. I promise I will.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> What size jersey do you wear?


Lol - large. I guess we should wear them so we can recognize each other.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Lol - large. I guess we should wear them so we can recognize each other.


Absolutely!


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Absolutely!


Strength in numbers.:smthumbup:


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> torn2012 said:
> 
> 
> > There will be a time when you will know that he did you a big favor. I hope that time comes soon.
> ...


Yes, this TAM friendship means something IRL.

The cheaters have by and large not broadened their circle to include more quality people.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SS

I am up for it as well.

Maybe we should have breakfast at your house when the bagels get delivered???

I would be more than happy to answer the door to let the dog out!!! 

The look on his face would be priceless.....

But on a serious note lets coordinate a date with RG.

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> SS
> 
> I am up for it as well.
> 
> ...


Sounds good HM. Let's get a date that's good for all of us. I'll check my upcoming work schedule then check with RG and you to see when is good.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> ss
> 
> I'm sorry you had a tough night. I am also dreading the upcoming holidays.
> 
> ...


Thanks VH. It's not the days themselves. After my birthday I realized my family and I will most likely have a good time. It's the time surrounding it.

The thing is, I need to start looking at it this way, the time of year he decided to leave could forever destroy the holidays for me. Then he wins. I don't want him to win ANYTHING!!!!


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> SS
> 
> Maybe we should have breakfast at your house when the bagels get delivered???
> 
> I would be more than happy to answer the door to let the dog out!!!


Love this idea.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Okay Torn and HM you wanted to know what advice I'd give if my post was someone else's. Here it goes:

" SS- it does sound as you're detatching. Good for you. You didn't get sucked into any of his drama. You stood there confidently and in charge.

Sorry to hear about how you felt at the end of back to school night. It must have felt good though to know how much support you have from people around you. People like what they see, you can't believe it yet because you're still too close to the situation but believe them. They have an objective view from the outside.

Your life has changed but it has changed for the better. If you look back at the person you were at this time last year who do you like better? Who are you more comfortable being?

It is going to be tough to get through but make new memories this year so you can look back on those next year. Because of what he did at the time of year he did it he had the potential to ruin the holidays for good for you. Don't let him do that. Don't let him win. "

Okay guys that's it. It was totally weird to write that as if i was talking to myself but it's what I would say.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> Sounds good HM. Let's get a date that's good for all of us. I'll check my upcoming work schedule then check with RG and you to see when is good.


Hey, can I get in on this date?
I'm a Jersey Girl as well !!!

VH


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Okay Torn and HM you wanted to know what advice I'd give if my post was someone else's. Here it goes:
> 
> " SS- it does sound as you're detatching. Good for you. You didn't get sucked into any of his drama. You stood there confidently and in charge.
> 
> ...


I think SS has got it She must have been listening

Good for her 

TAMMERS Let pat ourselves on the back NOT

She did all the work

Great Job Sweetie


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Hey, can I get in on this date?
> I'm a Jersey Girl as well !!!
> 
> VH


NH is not so far away


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks VH. It's not the days themselves. After my birthday I realized my family and I will most likely have a good time. It's the time surrounding it.
> 
> *The thing is, I need to start looking at it this way, the time of year he decided to leave could forever destroy the holidays for me. Then he wins. I don't want him to win ANYTHING!!!!*


My Ex was a pro at picking holidays for his major bombs. Gave me the first ILYBINILWY speech the day before Halloween, the 2nd and final one 2 days before Thanksgiving. Spent his first night in his new 'bachelor pad' a couple nights before Christmas 2 years ago. Told me he was going to start dating again on Valentine's Day. Moved posGF into his place 2 days before Christmas last year.

Like you, I could let all of those things ruin those holidays for me. I've had my 'first' anniversaries of all of those things since then, and they were hard. I've had 2nd anniversaries for a couple. The 2nd anniversary of the 1st speech (last Halloween), he was in France visiting posGF. So even that one wasn't really easy. But luckily I have my son, and even though dividing the holidays is probably one of the very worst things about divorce, at least I'm not spending them totally alone. I get to see my son for part of each holiday. 

I refuse to let my Ex ruin those days for me. It may take a while to get yourself back on track. But it will happen if you want it to. Willpower is a lot of it, SSteps. We can all wallow in what we don't have anymore, or we can realize that all we have for sure is this present moment. My memories are tainted now, and I'm sure that's true for many here, too. So, it's no good for me to remember how things used to be. My son was young enough that he (sadly) doesn't even really remember much about holidays when we were all together. And my ex has changed history. So, no point in me clinging to the past. 

I got all new decorations for the holidays that DS and I picked out. I'm trying all new recipes for my Christmas baking and treat making. I'm reveling in the fact that I don't have to clear anything with Ex first. I can put up my entire Christmas village, much to DS' delight. AND I'm really happy that I can save the money that I used to spend on gifts for Ex and his family.  :smthumbup:

And when my lawyer asked if I was ok having my divorce hearing on Valentine's Day this year, I said, Oh, Hell yes! I took _that_ holiday back. :rofl:

And I'm hoping to start making even better holiday memories this year.  

There are positives, SSteps, there are positives!! :smthumbup:


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Excellent SS!

Our situations always seem super complicated to us because our emotions interfere with our judgment. When we analyze someone else's situation without emotional attachment it's much easier to see that person's way forward.

My aim in asking you to self advise was to get you to step outside your personal storm to see your path forward. 

There will be minor ups and downs in the immediate future as you face the triggers and pass the milestones.

I hope you can see that however windy the road is the destination remains the same. At the conclusion you will realize this:

You will be OK.
Your kids will be OK
POS EX H is and will continue to be a coward who is unworthy of your time.

And that's all that matters.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Hey, can I get in on this date?
> I'm a Jersey Girl as well !!!
> 
> VH


I'm only a few hours away


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

We may have to plan a group meeting lol!


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> We may have to plan a group meeting lol!


:smthumbup:


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

LivingAgain said:


> I'm only a few hours away


Living Again ~

Are you in NJ?
What county?

Small Steps ~
What county are you? You told me once but I forgot.

VH


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

I'm in Penna.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

My Baby Girl DR Daughter is in Chatham NJ

I could go visit


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> I think SS has got it She must have been listening
> 
> Good for her
> 
> ...


Thank you 55. I don't know if I 100% got it but I'm getting there.

I'm really happy to have all of you to help me on my journey.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Excellent SS!
> 
> Our situations always seem super complicated to us because our emotions interfere with our judgment. When we analyze someone else's situation without emotional attachment it's much easier to see that person's way forward.
> 
> ...


Aaahh, now I see. Well thank you for having me do it. I get it now.

How's Frankie doing?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> My Ex was a pro at picking holidays for his major bombs. Gave me the first ILYBINILWY speech the day before Halloween, the 2nd and final one 2 days before Thanksgiving. Spent his first night in his new 'bachelor pad' a couple nights before Christmas 2 years ago. Told me he was going to start dating again on Valentine's Day. Moved posGF into his place 2 days before Christmas last year.
> 
> Like you, I could let all of those things ruin those holidays for me. I've had my 'first' anniversaries of all of those things since then, and they were hard. I've had 2nd anniversaries for a couple. The 2nd anniversary of the 1st speech (last Halloween), he was in France visiting posGF. So even that one wasn't really easy. But luckily I have my son, and even though dividing the holidays is probably one of the very worst things about divorce, at least I'm not spending them totally alone. I get to see my son for part of each holiday.
> 
> ...



Thanks Angel, boy your ex really does have some rotten timing. What the heck is wrong with them??

Mine used to pretty much ruin holidays. Christmas he'd be yelling about wrapping paper on the floor. New Year's he slept through. Easter there was no grass allowed in the baskets and I always heard the kids had too much candy. Lol, he was miserable.

You're right I need to find the positives. 

I love how you took back Valentine's day!!!!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Okay Torn and HM you wanted to know what advice I'd give if my post was someone else's. Here it goes:
> 
> " SS- it does sound as you're detatching. Good for you. You didn't get sucked into any of his drama. You stood there confidently and in charge.
> 
> ...


I just wanted to point out the one thing that really stood out to me.

Realize this SmallSteps.

He cannot win. Why? Because he has lost so much already. 

You.
His children..
His family...
His marriage as in the last umpteen years of his life.

So take win out of your vocabulary when you look at what he has done.

But you can win.

Many times I say on TAM that the best revenge is to live well.

The key is to really do it, practice it and when you feel happy with yourself/your situation to preach it.

And when do you realize that you are doing better and realize he has nothing of value to offer any of you or your children.

When you start to pity him.

Who knows; in time you might be dropping bagels off at his door. Lol!

HM


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

LivingAgain said:


> I'm in Penna.


Close enough !!!!


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

just got it 55 said:


> My Baby Girl DR Daughter is in Chatham NJ
> 
> I could go visit


Really? Chatham? That's a stone throw for me!


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> I just wanted to point out the one thing that really stood out to me.
> 
> Realize this SmallSteps.
> 
> ...


Yup This is exactly the way it will go down

Keep your chin up sweetie your best days are ahead
I will quote my grandmother once more

"The best thing God ever made ... is another day"


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> Aaahh, now I see. Well thank you for having me do it. I get it now.
> 
> How's Frankie doing?


He's doing great. It's morning here so he's having cuddles in bed with his Daddy. Bliss.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> He's doing great. It's morning here so he's having cuddles in bed with his Daddy. Bliss.


Aaawww Torn that's great. You must be ecstatic!! So happy for you!


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> Aaawww Torn that's great. You must be ecstatic!! So happy for you!


Thanks SS. I sure am. How is your weekend going?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Thanks SS. I sure am. How is your weekend going?


Not bad, okay so far. I'm working tonight but home tomorrow. Hopefully I can sleep late!! Lol 

How's things with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> Not bad, okay so far. I'm working tonight but home tomorrow. Hopefully I can sleep late!! Lol
> 
> How's things with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sleep in... What's that?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Sleep in... What's that?


Something you won't be doing for a while since you have a new baby, Lol!!

I would guess sleeping late for you isn't happening right now.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hi ss

What's going on?

Vh


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi ss
> 
> What's going on?
> 
> Vh


Hi VH

Sorry I didn't see this last night. After I answered T12 I read around a few threads then went to sleep.

How's things?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I had to put the order together for school pictures for S15 this morning. As I was filling out the envelope I realized I had to order a separate one for him.

Ugh, trigger.......


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> I had to put the order together for school pictures for S15 this morning. As I was filling out the envelope I realized I had to order a separate one for him.
> 
> Ugh, trigger.......


SS ~

It's okay. 
Don't fret.
You actually did it for your son.
You're a great Mom. 

VH


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I had to put the order together for school pictures for S15 this morning. As I was filling out the envelope I realized I had to order a separate one for him.
> 
> Ugh, trigger.......


But why do it for him?

Leave the order form in an envelope and give it to Dufus when he drops the bagels off......


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> But why do it for him?
> 
> Leave the order form in an envelope and give it to Dufus when he drops the bagels off......


He dropped them off before I did the form. S20 made so much noise going out to get them that he woke the dog up which woke me up. It was just not a good start to the day.

He's getting a wallet size. I remembered something, he started a new job two weeks before he left. I bought frames to fit wallet sized pictures and put the kids pictures in each so he'd have them for his office. It's the only pictures he took with him. 

The kids came home after their first visit with him and told me "dad said he showed S15' s picture to someone and that someone said S15 doesn't even look like him"

Nice huh? 

Wallet size. I'm not ordering extra.


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I had to put the order together for school pictures for S15 this morning. As I was filling out the envelope I realized I had to order a separate one for him.
> 
> Ugh, trigger.......


Or, he could order his own effing pics.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> Or, he could order his own effing pics.


He'd have no idea how.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hmmm. Welcome to adulthood, ExH. :rofl:


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Time to be a grown up; you have children who are.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

True angel and angstire 

Sometimes the kids act more grown up than he does


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Stbxh called tonight. He expects to be fired from his job. He warned me to get all the doctor and dentist appointments done right away.

Honestly, is he kidding?


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Did he tell you why he expects to be fired? I assume it's some wrongdoing on his part, and not just a layoff. Great, this is all you need.   issed:

Well, if he's serious, and you have no choice in your timing, you might just honestly explain the situation if/when you call for appointments. Many doctors reserve part of the day for urgent appointments, or they can put you on a cancellation list. COBRA is damned expensive, and I don't know if it's available in cases of leaving a job due to being fired. Oh, and with the government being shut-down, I don't know what you'd be able to apply for right now anyway. 

((hugs)), sweetie. Deep breaths, deep breaths.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Whaaattt??? 

Like angel said, call for emergency appointments.

I am so sorry! Deep breaths and see what happens...be proactive but stay calm...

((hugs!!!))


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

He's not sure. He heard it through the grapevine that they are looking around to hire someone for his job.

He told me tonight that things haven't been going well but he was vague.

He has no other plan right now. He doesn't know what he wants to do.

I mean they probably had a bad taste in their mouths for him from the get go. When he interviewed and got the job he was a married family man, less than a month later he's separated and living with his girlfriend.

There is another theory I thought of. A leopard doesn't change his spots. He had a temper and he liked to control things. Let's face it, I'm sure Miss Thing doesn't see that side and I shut him down when he tries it here. Is that the side they see at work?


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wouldn't surprise me. He has to let it out somewhere.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

I think you deserve a better explanation of what is going on. Why does he expect to be fired?

Sorry for my ignorance as we have universal health care in my counrty, but what are the implications of him no longer having health cover through work?

Also, what does this mean for child support/alimony if he pays it to you?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks LA.

That theory hit me while I was talking to my SIL Angel. She thought it may be character related. That's when it hit me. We always got the cruddy treatment and work never saw that side. Now it may be reversed.

He told me he felt like going in and confronting them but I told him that I knew it's against his nature but to keep quiet and buy as much time as he can.

I'm not counting on him listening.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> I think you deserve a better explanation of what is going on. Why does he expect to be fired?
> 
> Sorry for my ignorance as we have universal health care in my counrty, but what are the implications of him no longer having health cover through work?
> 
> Also, what does this mean for child support/alimony if he pays it to you?


Not sure yet T. He said he'd be in touch as he finds out more.

When he's terminated, he will lose coverage for all of us.

I'm not divorced, I'm separated. Not sure what will happen.

A darker theory to all this is he could be figuring if he's not working or working off the books he shows no income. No income, no support or alimony. Perfect time to file.

Of course I think it will backfire but I can't take anything for granted right now


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

If he does lose his job you should try to get legal advice as to options.

Can he implode anymore than he has already?

Can you tell me what does for a living?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> If he does lose his job you should try to get legal advice as to options.
> 
> Can he implode anymore than he has already?
> 
> Can you tell me what does for a living?


I don't know HM. He's a mess. He also launched into his health issues which I can't specifically name here but suffice it to say something he was diagnosed with many years ago is supposedly giving him lots of trouble.

From the sounds of it the stress is eating him alive.

I can pm you details about his job. I'm not hiding it but posting it here would identify him/me since its not something generic.

My cousin and I were chatting about the same thing earlier tonight. I will have to see a lawyer again if he doesn't keep his promise to keep up the payments.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

It sounds like he's about to be hit by the karma bus. Let's hope he doesn't drag you and the kids down with him.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I don't know HM. He's a mess. He also launched into his health issues which I can't specifically name here but suffice it to say something he was diagnosed with many years ago is supposedly giving him lots of trouble.
> 
> From the sounds of it the stress is eating him alive.
> 
> ...


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Oh Smallsteps, this just totally blows. It is terrifying. Do you have a separation agreement with the support in it, I'm sorry I don't remember. 
My STBX had a good job, and was fired for cause (temper), then a few months later took another good job and quit after a couple months. He hasn't tried to work in a couple years. Since our separation he's been living off of OWs and his retirement saving. Guess in his mind that's easier than actually working. 

You can imput income to him for purposes of support. At the very least, this forces him to tell the court why he's not working, the circumstances of his termination and what steps he's taking to get employed at the same level. It is hard. If you have an agreement that addresses support its up to him to ask the court to reduce it.
You are a strong, resourceful woman and you and the kids will make it through-of that I am certain.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone.

He called this morning. He wanted to tell me not to worry because he kept his mouth shut with his bosses this morning. Gee he finally though of something other than instant gratification.

He also said he has something he's looking into, that another company is interested in him.

We'll see what happens.

In the meantime all of this has brought up a lot of memories of the past few years. It got me to thinking how many of the jobs he went through were lost because of the distraction of ow?

I know on at least one job they were starting to question his weekend expenses and mileage reports.

55 - I'm trying. I am tired of being connected to him and his drama. This made me realize I want more than that in life.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Oh Smallsteps, this just totally blows. It is terrifying. Do you have a separation agreement with the support in it, I'm sorry I don't remember.
> My STBX had a good job, and was fired for cause (temper), then a few months later took another good job and quit after a couple months. He hasn't tried to work in a couple years. Since our separation he's been living off of OWs and his retirement saving. Guess in his mind that's easier than actually working.
> 
> You can imput income to him for purposes of support. At the very least, this forces him to tell the court why he's not working, the circumstances of his termination and what steps he's taking to get employed at the same level. It is hard. If you have an agreement that addresses support its up to him to ask the court to reduce it.
> You are a strong, resourceful woman and you and the kids will make it through-of that I am certain.


No, there's no seperation agreement. If I need to I'll 're visit the lawyer.

Thanks Pluto, I'm feeling tired and worn down today but I'll come around. It's just leftover from yesterday.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So now I will give you some brotherly advice.

Formalize the separation agreement. 

Show him that you are strong, wear big girl panties and are looking forward to your future without him.

I do not think everything is hunky dory in LaLa land.

He drops off bagels on weekends.
He lets you know about issues at work. He seeks your opinion or approval.

Now that could be years of habit at play but I do not think so.

I think he sees you as Plan B. Maybe I am crazy.

You need to show hi what it looks to movin on by him seeing his reflection in your rear view mirror.

Have you been on one date yet? I am not asking you if you are ready to date.

Have you been on one date?
Have you gone out with old friends?
Or gone away for the weekend?

Ask yourself why?

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No date and no going away but yes on the old friends. He made sure I broke contact with all of them after we married. The first thing I did when he left was contact each one. We all try to get together at least once every 4 weeks or so.

The dating? I haven't met anyone and going away, I have kids and work most weekends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> So now I will give you some brotherly advice.
> 
> Formalize the separation agreement.
> 
> ...


It's all about asking the right questions

Huh HM64


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> I am tired of being connected to him and his drama. This made me realize I want more than that in life.


Good! Now use this to motivate you into following HM's advice.

Then you'll soon find yourself in a place where his next drama won't effect you in the same way.

And a date isn't such a bad idea. You might not be ready to make a lifelong commitment to another man but that doesn't mean you can't go out and have a good time with someone new. Having another person show interest in you could be just the confidence boost you need.

If you haven't already you should read up on other people's internet dating experiences. It's worth a try.

I did it. It was scary putting myself back out there publicly. But it was worth it.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi Smallsteps,

Hang in there. I am 55. Life isn't over... I hope, haha. You sound like a real catch. A person who can listen and yet has plenty to say. Do you live in an area with plenty people to meet or in small town where everybody knows each other?

Your WH has some sort of skill that will allow him to find a new job, I presume.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> Hi Smallsteps,
> 
> Hang in there. I am 55. Life isn't over... I hope, haha. You sound like a real catch. A person who can listen and yet has plenty to say. Do you live in an area with plenty people to meet or in small town where everybody knows each other?
> 
> Your WH has some sort of skill that will allow him to find a new job, I presume.


I've heard he's pretty good at delivering bagels.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

torn2012 said:


> And a date isn't such a bad idea. You might not be ready to make a lifelong commitment to another man but that doesn't mean you can't go out and have a good time with someone new. Having another person show interest in you could be just the confidence boost you need.


I've heard there's a few cheap, balding, show-stealing FAN's up in your neck of the woods.

They'd likely go out with you dutch.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I've heard there's a few cheap, balding, show-stealing FAN's up in your neck of the woods.
> 
> They'd likely go out with you dutch.


We've lost him again......


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> It's all about asking the right questions
> 
> Huh HM64


It is always about asking the right questions 55.

Communication is key.

When I got screwed over as a young guy I knew I had to never let myself get in that same crappy position with a crappy significant other.

When I dated my wife I asked her some pretty important questions over the course of 6 years......

That was 28 years ago.

We continue to ask each other those questions still today.

It works. 

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Hi Smallsteps,
> 
> Hang in there. I am 55. Life isn't over... I hope, haha. You sound like a real catch. A person who can listen and yet has plenty to say. Do you live in an area with plenty people to meet or in small town where everybody knows each other?
> 
> Your WH has some sort of skill that will allow him to find a new job, I presume.


Thanks LW, that's nice of you to say. 

I live in a small town but I'm but not isolated and I have a very big city nearby. 

I'm sure he can find something, the problem is he's in an industry that is changing the way they do business so who knows.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Good! Now use this to motivate you into following HM's advice.
> 
> Then you'll soon find yourself in a place where his next drama won't effect you in the same way.
> 
> ...




Dating.......ugh!!!! Not sure I'm ready for that yet.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> We've lost him again......


Difficult to keep him away from those Babylonian women.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

SS ~

I am just getting caught up and I am sorry for this setback.

You would tell us to "Stay Strong" so you know what to do.

Hey, we all know that sometimes life sucks!!!

We're here for you.

VH


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hey SS,

The photo studio is calling. Got yourself ready yet?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Hey SS,
> 
> The photo studio is calling. Got yourself ready yet?


You're not going to let me forget this Synth, are you? 

No not yet. I'm still working on it.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Hey SS. I take it by the lack of chatter in the last few days that bagel boy's fear of being fired hasn't panned out thay way? (or at least hasn't happened yet!) Did you take his advice and get the health and dental checks?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Hey SS. I take it by the lack of chatter in the last few days that bagel boy's fear of being fired hasn't panned out thay way? (or at least hasn't happened yet!) Did you take his advice and get the health and dental checks?


So far nothing. I haven't heard from him at all. He's still employed though. Oddly he asked S20 for a copy of his school schedule to prove he's still a full time student for the dental insurance. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Making appointments. Even if he keeps his job we'll all be caught up on our doctor/dental visits.

Hope all is well with you and the family out there.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

All is well here SS. My weekend starts in about 6 hours. Pleasant spring weather predicted 26ºc and 32ºc (79ºf and 90ºf).

Yep. All good.

How are things for you?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> All is well here SS. My weekend starts in about 6 hours. Pleasant spring weather predicted 26ºc and 32ºc (79ºf and 90ºf).
> 
> Yep. All good.
> 
> How are things for you?


Good to hear. We're heading into fall here. Mid 60's out my way from here on out lol.

Things are okay here. I haven't had to deal with him so that's a plus. It's actually been sort of quiet all around. I'm working a lot but I'm off next weekend. D24 and I have a concert in Manhattan next Saturday night and S20' s 21st birthday is the next day.

We lost RG so get together plans with him are on hold lol.

Not much else going on though. I gave some thought to the dating idea. I think it's too soon. 

Last night a work a guy, 47 yrs old struck up a conversation with me and the 21 year old guy I was working with. We were talking about our kids and as we were talking he would turn to the 21 yr old and say " you know when she and I were kids it was like this or that for us" and then would turn to me and we'd start talking about when we were younger and could stay up all night and get up and function the next day. 

I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well but I think you get the hint. A really nice conversation with a stranger. It was nice, gave me an ego boost and brought me to the realization that it's enough for right now.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Was the Dominican Dandy the central character?

There are others.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Torn...

Bagel Boy... made me LOL


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Was the Dominican Dandy the central character?
> 
> There are others.


Lol, no he wasn't. It was just his idea in the first place.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Lol, no he wasn't. It was just his idea in the first place.


The hell with him.

Proceed without him.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> The hell with him.
> 
> Proceed without him.


We just may have to...


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> Good to hear. We're heading into fall here. Mid 60's out my way from here on out lol.
> 
> Things are okay here. I haven't had to deal with him so that's a plus. It's actually been sort of quiet all around. I'm working a lot but I'm off next weekend. D24 and I have a concert in Manhattan next Saturday night and S20' s 21st birthday is the next day.
> 
> ...


Flirting now miss Steps? Oh boy!


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



Conrad said:


> Torn...
> 
> Bagel Boy... made me LOL


I think she should use it next time he drops some off.

"Thanks Bagel boy. Now go F yourself."

Sorry. I know... too far.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Flirting now miss Steps? Oh boy!


Lol, I guess so. It felt pretty good. 

At least I know I can still do it!!


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> I think she should use it next time he drops some off.
> 
> "Thanks Bagel boy. Now go F yourself."
> 
> Sorry. I know... too far.


Nothing wrong with muttering under her breath, at least.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> I think she should use it next time he drops some off.
> 
> "Thanks Bagel boy. Now go F yourself."
> 
> Sorry. I know... too far.


No, it's fine T. 

He's taking the kids for breakfast this Sunday so no bagels this week lol.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Hi Smallsteps Just checking in to see how you are


55


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks 55, I'm doing ok. Had a little bit of a rough patch in the beginning of the week, just a lot of overthinking and feeling stuck, but straightened it out over the past few days.

Other than that things are good. Thanks.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Just wondering, how did you "straighten it out"? I'm beginning to get that stuck feeling and I know I can't control the STBX or force him to take any responsibility for the kids, but with the end of it all coming near, the entire situation seems so bleh.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks 55, I'm doing ok. Had a little bit of a rough patch in the beginning of the week, just a lot of overthinking and feeling stuck, but straightened it out over the past few days.
> 
> Other than that things are good. Thanks.


3 "Bigsteps forward 1 "Smallstep" backwards is OK

Thats progress.

We all know that we will have one of "those days" from time to time

Expect them. Don't be suprised by them.That way you will be able to handle the emotional setbacks and understand them.

It sucks to be human sometimes..... Huh ?

Keep at it

55


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Just wondering, how did you "straighten it out"? I'm beginning to get that stuck feeling and I know I can't control the STBX or force him to take any responsibility for the kids, but with the end of it all coming near, the entire situation seems so bleh.


Just a lot of thought and reflection. Stopping and taking a step back to look at my situation from a distance. (Observe from 50k  )


Also I have a friend from high school who has been there / done that. She reminded me I still have healing to do and this process takes a long time. Give myself a break and don't be in a rush, things will fall into place when it's time.

Pluto the truth is we have to realize we have no control over them. We need to let go of the thought that we can make them do anything. It's hard and sometimes it's not fair but it's the truth.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks 55, you are right.


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Pluto the truth is we have to realize we have no control over them. We need to let go of the thought that we can make them do anything. It's hard and sometimes it's not fair but it's the truth.


It's particularly hard to realize this when the situation is like yours SS. You're still tied to his financial future, but you can't control or even influence his dumba$$ choices.

Sorry for you, but it's good recognize what you can't control. That will help.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

> Also I have a friend from high school who has been there / done that. She reminded me I still have healing to do and this process takes a long time. Give myself a break and don't be in a rush, things will fall into place when it's time.


Amen!! Wise friend


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> Amen!! Wise friend


She is.

We were best friends in high school, she was the outgoing one I was the quiet one. We balanced each other out.

After high school we both went to work for the same company where we both met out future husbands, who by the way were also friends.

We married within months of one another. The ironic thing is once we married my stbxh wanted to break ties with them. I did.

I talked to her in 2001 and found out her and her husband had split. I didn't talk to her again until this year. As soon as he left I got on Facebook, got her information and contacted her. She's stood by me ever since.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So no bagels this weekend lol.

He took the kids for breakfast this morning. He wanted to come by to see the dog afterward, apparently he's traveling this week. He followed the kids home.

Now I should say I have this next door neighbor who took it upon himself about a month and a half ago to mow my lawn. I told him he didn't have to but he said he didn't mind. Even if my boys mow my lawn, he still does it.

So this morning stbxh sees him doing this. He stops the car and tells the kids forget it, he'll see the dog another time. The kids came in hysterical laughing about how annoyed he was.

Oh well.....


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> So no bagels this weekend.


 I shed a tear.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> Now I should say I have this next door neighbor who took it upon himself about a month and a half ago to mow my lawn...
> 
> So this morning stbxh sees him doing this. He stops the car and tells the kids forget it, he'll see the dog another time. The kids came in hysterical laughing about how annoyed he was.


"But but but... She can't replace me! I am Sir Bagel Boy. The only man on the planet capable of mowing smallsteps' lawn."


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> "But but but... She can't replace me! I am Sir Bagel Boy. The only man on the planet capable of mowing smallsteps' lawn."


Lol, there is no chance of anything with next door neighbor, truth is I try to avoid him. He's a bit strange.

I think stbxh knows that but it didn't stop him from being annoyed at the sight of it.

Life did go on without him. I don't know what he had dreamed up in his head?
It made me think though that I need to keep private what I do. I started by privatizing my Facebook page because I have a feeling he's going to start poking around things to see what's going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> Pluto the truth is we have to realize we have no control over them. We need to let go of the thought that we can make them do anything. It's hard and sometimes it's not fair but it's the truth.


Ain't that the truth.

IMO one thing I see far too often on this site is a desire from the BS to evoke a particular type of emotive response from the WS.

We all seem to get caught up in it at first. We do things/say things that we expect will provoke the WS into feeling bad about the pain they cause. But these people spend much of their time convincing themselves that their actions are justified. "It's ok because she let herself go." "He's not as much fun as he was when we met." etc, etc.

Cheaters are slippery little fckers. Try to pin them and they'll wiggle their slimey a$$out of your trap. Remorse? Forget it!

A message to all BS who are still holding out for a sign of true remorse from the WW - Read the quoted text from SS above and get on with your life. Let the unworthy eat your dust.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> So no bagels this weekend lol.
> 
> He took the kids for breakfast this morning. He wanted to come by to see the dog afterward, apparently he's traveling this week. He followed the kids home.
> 
> ...


What a POS


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> I think she should use it next time he drops some off.
> 
> "Thanks Bagel boy. Now go F yourself."
> 
> Sorry. I know... too far.


No, no no.

She should say Thank you BagelBoy but please remember next time that I like the "Everything" bagels so make sure there are a few of those in the bag.

And then tell him do not forget the fresh cream cheese.

It is never too late to train the Ex to deliver.....

HM

PS
If he misses the [email protected] dog so much tell him to walk him.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Ain't that the truth.
> 
> IMO one thing I see far too often on this site is a desire from the BS to evoke a particular type of emotive response from the WS.
> 
> ...



I'm not liking my comment but I am liking yours T. You hit the nail right on the head!!


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



happyman64 said:


> No, no no.
> 
> She should say Thank you BagelBoy but please remember next time that I like the "Everything" bagels so make sure there are a few of those in the bag.
> 
> ...


Exploit his stupidity. Genius HM.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> Exploit his stupidity. Genius HM.


Exactly. Then when he gets the bagels right let him know that the neighbor mowing your lawn loves the "everything" bagels.

Only then will he understand just the small volume of hurt he bestowed upon you SmallSteps.

This is not an act of cruelty nor revenge just a simple life lesson that can be taught to an Ex.

He will never ambush you or the kids again......


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It's still bothering him. He took S15 to the orthodontist yesterday when he got home he told me his father asked him

"Next door neighbor really mows the lawn every week?"

If he honestly ever knew that I reconnected with all my old friends and that we go out together. That we now get together with my family for birthdays and holidays. That I now have male friends I talk to on Facebook (it drove him crazy that I reconnected with married male classmates when I first joined - he didn't see the need for me to be "friends" with them). That we adopted a cat - something he wouldn't allow us to do, I think he would lose his mind. I have a feeling he honestly thinks our lives stopped the day he moved out.
He's delusional. I guess I've done a really good job of 180/NC huh?

Oh and no more mention of losing the job. As a matter of fact he told S15 that they're sending him on business trips next week and in November. I have no idea what's going on.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> It's still bothering him. He took S15 to the orthodontist yesterday when he got home he told me his father asked him
> 
> "Next door neighbor really mows the lawn every week?"
> 
> ...


So as an outsider looking in let me give you a hint of what is going on.

Your Ex is not delusional, he is selfish. Maybe a little narcissistic.

He thinks he is the sun and all of you revolve around him.

He is very full of himself. Seeing your neighbor mowing your lawn (his) just woke him up to a few things.

1. You have value. 
2. Your family has value.
3. Another man just encroached on his nest.

See how twisted he really he is. He dumped you and the kids. He left the home.

But in his mind you are still his. The kids are still his. And the marital home is still his.

Him dropping the bagels off at your doorstep reaffirms in his mind that you and the kids are still there waiting for him.

Sad isn't it.

Wait till you get a BF. He is going to crap his pants the first time he sees that visual.

Can I make a suggestion SS.

In a very subtle way show him that you are moving on without him.

Retrain him.

Not to hurt him, but to show him that you really have no need for him. Show him a side of you that he never knew existed.
Independent.
Loving.
Sexy.
Hard Working.

When he sees that side of you he might finally grow up and start acting like a man for a change.

It wont make him grow up but it just might make him more responsible for his family.

It also shows him what he has lost.

And no man likes losing SS. 

HM64


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Agreed HM. I never really looked at it the way you just explained it.

I just figured going dark was my best bet. Truth is I didn't to it to win him back. I did it for self preservation.

When he left he told the kids to call if something needed to be done in the house or they needed him.

I froze him out. I took care of what needed to be taken care of:

He used to make Sunday sauce - he told the kids he'd make it for them if they went to his new place. My son learned to make it for us.
(This was while I was still a wreck)

The battery died in my car 3 weeks after he left, I took care of it myself.

Toilet broke the same day, my son went on you tube and we learned how to fix it.

A massive snowfall in late January kids went out and with next door neighbors help, took care of it.

Garage door broke, my mom came and her, me and my sons got it fixed.


I don't care what he thinks anymore. Now I feel my life is none of his business.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I don't care what he thinks anymore. Now I feel my life is none of his business.


:yay:

Such a strong and powerful statement. I love how confident you are feeling with yourself, smallsteps! 

Its funny to watch the ones that can't stand to not have control over something/someone lose that control

You should be proud of yourself of your progress with everything.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That's kind of the way I was, too, SS. And it gives you a really great feeling of pride when you can take care of something without having to call him. I love it when DS still says "Should we call Dad?" when something breaks or goes wrong on the computer (that he built), etc. I love the look on his face when I can say "No, I can take care of it without him."


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I don't care what he thinks anymore. Now I feel my life is none of his business.


Love it, love it, love it.

And neither is your happiness his business........


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

The penny has dropped. His once infallible view that he was irreplaceable in your life is shattered.

He is stewing in his own pool of sh!t. Welcome to the world you created bagel boy.

He thought he could come back whenever he wanted and you would welcome him with open arms. He may just be desperate enough to try something. 

Now don't be foolish and fall for any attempt he makes to regain control of the situation. Be strong. He may not do anything (he is a coward after all). But if he does don't let it mess with your head!

Now for us uneducated folk - what the h is Sunday Sauce?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm Italian. Macaroni & meatballs??? Spaghetti and meatballs?
Tomato sauce lol!! 
Every Sunday we'd make a big pot of sauce (some call it gravy) meatballs and sausage and that was dinner.

I never mastered it to his liking so he started making it 

Truth is my son's is sooo much better !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Ok I get it now. It's funny how we speak the same language but certain words mean different things to each of us. 

Tomato sauce here is what you call Ketchup. 
When we hear the term "rooting for..." on an American film our minds drift to the gutter because rooting is slang for intercourse here.
And if I said my 5 year old loves her new thongs you guys might flip out. The translation is "my 5 year old loves her new flip flops."


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I'm Italian. Macaroni & meatballs??? Spaghetti and meatballs?
> Tomato sauce lol!!
> Every Sunday we'd make a big pot of sauce (some call it gravy) meatballs and sausage and that was dinner.
> 
> ...


Sorry for the TJ

Let me please settle this sauce/gravy debate for the Jersey Folks and some East Boston heathens

Here are the seven basic mother sauces
Please note #5
five hot 
1. hollandaise 
2. bechamel 
3. espagnole 
4. veloute 
5. tomato 

two cold emulsions


1. mayonnaise 
2. Vinaigrette


A GRAVY is made from extractions i.e.
Pan dripping in the culinary world known as souks that are deglazed with wine

And you know what it takes to make great Tomato Sauce ??

It's ingredients driven

Great Tomatoes

Sorry Rant over


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> It's still bothering him. He took S15 to the orthodontist yesterday when he got home he told me his father asked him
> 
> "Next door neighbor really mows the lawn every week?"
> 
> ...


Smallsteps You know what the sweetest word in any language is ?







..........................*FREEDOM*.........................

Now you have it 

Now you have certainly earned it

Don't squander it

Live your life sweetie


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Sorry for the TJ
> 
> Let me please settle this sauce/gravy debate for the Jersey Folks and some East Boston heathens
> 
> ...


My family always called it sauce. Wasn't until I married into his family that I heard the word gravy. I always thought gravy was Brown. Go figure lol


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Nah it's sauce.

My mom is Irish and my dad is Italian.

My mom learned from my Italian grandmother how to cook and her sauce is awesome.

So naive me falls in love with this Irish girl. She brings me home and her mom is pouring Ragu into a large pot for pasta.

They saw my eyes bug out. They asked me what was wrong and I said I never knew sauce came in a jar.

They thought I was joking and they all laughed.

Then my Irish gf came to eat at my house.

She saw my mom and grandmother crushing those tomatoes. Making a real homemade sauce.

She leans over , looks up at me and whispers "you weren't joking were you?"

I looked at her and just said "no".

We still laugh about it today. And my wife still uses Ragu.

And my mom still makes a mean sauce for an Irish girl. Lol.

HM


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Gotta chime in on this one: Sauce vs. Gravy

I am 100% Italian. All four grandparents and some great grandparents came from Italy to the USA via Ellis Island.

My great grandmother owned, cooked and ran a very successful and popular Italian restaurant. 

My other great grandmother taught all the neighborhood women Italian cooking.

My great aunt also taught cooking in the evening for years at a local high school in the evenings before adult night classes were even invented.

My mother and my aunt were back up chefs in the restaurant during the holidays or if there was a bridal shower, christening or if a chef got sick.

Everyone for four generations called the sauce on macaroni "gravy."

Don't care what Webster has to say, I would never question my Great Grandmother......God rest her generous and loving soul.

VH


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lol. I guess this will be debated forever. My grandmother was 1st generation here but I remember my great grandfather saying sauce.

Maybe it's the part of Italy our families come from that determines what we call it?


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Maybe it does depend on the area of Italia.

Gravy? Sauce? Who cares as long as it isn't from a jar !!!

SS, you'll appreciate this: 

My cousin Vinnie wanted to "do" a traditional "Italian 2:00 pm Sunday Dinner" so he came here on Saturday and we made the "gravy" added the meatballs, braciole, sausage, spare ribs, and lamb. We laughed and talk while we waited hours for the "gravy" to boil down to the proper thickness.

We actually made two types of meatballs. My Mom and his Mom's recipe with ground beef (85%), fresh minced garlic, minced fresh parsley, locatelli cheese, black pepper, plain bread crumbs and eggs.

Then we made our grandmother's meatballs with pork, veal and ground beef combo, the other above ingredients and then added pine nuts and raisins.

Made our "gravy" with fresh tomatoes, plus cans of whole peeled tomatos and tomato paste, bay leaf, garlic powder, black pepper.

We made our own pork braciole with parsley, pepper, locatelli cheese and small bits of mozzarella. Tied them with a string and tossed them into the "gravy" pot.

Vinnie bought home-made ravioli and I made my own garlic bread.

Oh, it was so delicious but the best part was the smell that filled my kitchen (and home) was enough to bring back my Mom from the grave. She would have been proud. I miss her.

VH


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Small Steps:

I'm sorry that I carried away and ruined your thread. 

Please forgive me?

VH


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Maybe it does depend on the area of Italia.
> 
> Gravy? Sauce? Who cares as long as it isn't from a jar !!!
> 
> ...


Please send me a PM for your next Italian dinner. Your post just made super hungry.....


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey SS
Isn't this "sauce" conversation a nice distraction from Bagel Boy???
HM


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> Please send me a PM for your next Italian dinner. Your post just made super hungry.....


Happy ~

You can count on it. You can bring the rum cake or cannolis !!!!

VH


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Happy ~
> 
> You can count on it. You can bring the rum cake or cannolis !!!!
> 
> VH


You can count on the cannolis for sure!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm enjoying this conversation much more than ones about my stbxh.

Hey HM, maybe instead of going out we should all meet at VH' s house?

You didn't ruin my thread VH. It's open to all to talk about anything we want.

I'm hungry now lol!!


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Gotta chime in on this one: Sauce vs. Gravy
> 
> I am 100% Italian. All four grandparents and some great grandparents came from Italy to the USA via Ellis Island.
> 
> ...


As a Culinary Professional calling Tomato Sauce gravy is like running finger nails across the chalkboard
With all due respect, though I bet you Great Grandmother made awesome sauce
Wish I could experience the love


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Happy ~
> 
> You can count on it. You can bring the rum cake or cannolis !!!!
> 
> VH



Why not both?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Why not both?


Lol yeah why not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> Lol yeah why not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with SS...........Rum Cake is very traditional with Italians for dessert, especially for Weddings, Christenings & Confirmations. 

I remember my First Holy Communion cake with the yellow cake soak and rum with the layers of choclate and vanilla custard and all the almonds around the icing. 

And guess what? I HATED it.

VH


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'll have your piece, VH.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Gravy, sauce - I don't care what you call it. If it's on my plate I'm eating it


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> I agree with SS...........Rum Cake is very traditional with Italians for dessert, especially for Weddings, Christenings & Confirmations.
> 
> I remember my First Holy Communion cake with the yellow cake soak and rum with the layers of choclate and vanilla custard and all the almonds around the icing.
> 
> ...


How the heck does anyone remember what their communion cake tasted like??

You are scaring me VH.....

I cannot remember what my breakfast tasted like.

Oh yeah, I did not have breakfast. Whew!

HM


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I agree with SS...........Rum Cake is very traditional with Italians for dessert, especially for Weddings, Christenings & Confirmations.
> 
> I remember my First Holy Communion cake with the yellow cake soak and rum with the layers of choclate and vanilla custard and all the almonds around the icing.
> 
> ...


I had the very same one Thats when my parents found out I had a tree nut alergy

I liked the rum though


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I didn't have a communion cake. We were living in Florida and there was very little family so I got lunch at a Chinese restaurant.

Now my kids we had a cake with the thin pastry layers and cannoli cream in between.

Stbxh' s father was a baker. The shop he worked for made the cake they had for the wedding scene in The Godfather.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Went to the city last night with D24 for a concert. Had a really great time. 

Today is S21' s birthday (today he is legal God help us all). Stbxh dropped off bagels and his gift. He told S21 he would take them to dinner during the week. 

Not sure why he didn't take him for breakfast this morning, he did last week. I get the impression stbxh forgot (s21 did not want anyone to remind him. He wanted to see if he remembered on his own) until early this week. 

I also get the feeling ow dictates what weekends he sees them since my kids want nothing to do with her. He screwed up taking them out last weekend.

Sad. Smh.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

At least you got bagels this week.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What show did you see?

Did you leave a note and let bagel boy know the lawn mowing neighbor likes "everything" bagels. 

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Went to see American idol season 7 winner David cook at Irving Plaza. D24 and I watched that season beginning to end and see him when he comes to this area. We had a really good time.

No I didn't put the note. I really wasn't sure he was even dropping them off this week.

My son got a bottle of moonshine for his birthday (he wanted one). I decided to try it. 
Taking a shot glass of it and gulping it down was not a smart move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good for you.

I have a buddy in Tennessee. He has sent me fresh moonshine to sample. 

Holy @$&!

Can anyone say lighter fluid......

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Good for you.
> 
> I have a buddy in Tennessee. He has sent me fresh moonshine to sample.
> 
> ...


OMG yes!! It tasted like straight alcohol! It burned going down lol.

Never again!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So more truth comes out today.

A week ago he asked to borrow our biggest piece of luggage. I thought it was for a business related matter but when I questioned him he told me he'd talk to me about it later. I know that's code for he's not telling me something.

After thinking about it I sent him a text telling him it was fine to borrow it if it's for business but if it's personal I'm not okay with it.

He never answers the text. Again I know he does that when he's hiding something.

Sure enough, he slips today that he's going on a cruise next week. Supposedly his job gave it to him. The same job that wants to fire him.

Meanwhile he's crying money problems. When I called him out on it he told me he didn't want to argue because his stomach is bothering him. He also launched into all his medical issues.

He thinks I'm stupid and I can be distracted. I don't feel bad for him.

Not to mention he was about to borrow our luggage to go on a cruise with his girlfriend. Who has the nerve to do something like that?


----------



## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> who has the nerve to do something like that?


pos stbxh


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Well obviously he has the nerve to do something like that.

I know this upsets you. 

But realize this.

He is a Big Fat Liar. He continues to try to deceive.

It is good that you call him out on it.

Focus on you & your kids.. That is all that matters.

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Well obviously he has the nerve to do something like that.
> 
> I know this upsets you.
> 
> ...


All he knows how to do is lie. He still thinks I believe everything he says. It's insulting.

Yeah it is upsetting. For the last ten years of our marriage we went nowhere. Now he travels.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Smallsteps There is still time to join RED SOX NATION


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Smallsteps There is still time to join RED SOX NATION


I can't, I just can't. But they are going to win. I'm watching the game now.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

My Daughter is a Chiropractor in Chatham NJ
future husband is as well. He is from NJ also
Whats going to happen to my grandchildren
How will we save them from the evil empire (Yankees)

Hopefully they move back to NH


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

By the way

Your POSXH keeps getting
POSH!TER


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Smallsteps There is still time to join RED SOX NATION





just got it 55 said:


> My Daughter is a Chiropractor in Chatham NJ
> future husband is as well. He is from NJ also
> Whats going to happen to my grandchildren
> How will we save them from the evil empire (Yankees)
> ...


Lol - hey there are Red Sox fans around here.

Family get togethers are fun in my house. We're Yankee fans. My sister's family are Red Sox fans and my brother's family are Mets fans.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Lol - hey there are Red Sox fans around here.
> 
> Family get togethers are fun in my house. We're Yankee fans. My sister's family are Red Sox fans and my brother's family are Mets fans.


You call that fun?

I would not want yo be in the middle of any of them for fear of my life. 

My daughter is in a Boston and she said the city was crazy tonight.

Crazy fans up there.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> By the way
> 
> Your POSXH keeps getting
> POSH!TER


:iagree:

They deserve to be on one of those ships that end up breaking down with no electricity or working facilities.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> You call that fun?
> 
> I would not want yo be in the middle of any of them for fear of my life.
> 
> ...


I guess I should have said interesting lol.

Sox fans are insane!! Lol. (Sorry 55  )


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> :iagree:
> 
> They deserve to be on one of those ships that end up breaking down with no electricity or working facilities.


Don't worry thier life will seem like that any way

They don't need a cruse for that


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I guess I should have said interesting lol.
> 
> Sox fans are insane!! Lol. (Sorry 55  )


Did you ever go 86 years without it


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Don't worry thier life will seem like that any way
> 
> They don't need a cruse for that


I don't know, they seem to defy the odds. It's amazing. 

You would think after the kids rejecting her, they haven't had contact since that dinner in July and the fact that he never made the type of money this job originally promised it would have busted up by now but it hasn't.

They just keep on going.

It shouldn't bother me but it does. They get what seems to be the happy settled life and mine has been turned upside down.

I certainly don't want him back but really? He gets to move right into a content relationship like that?


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I don't know, they seem to defy the odds. It's amazing.
> 
> You would think after the kids rejecting her, they haven't had contact since that dinner in July and the fact that he never made the type of money this job originally promised it would have busted up by now but it hasn't.
> 
> ...


At the cost of his childrens respect


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

AS John Sterling would say

THAAAAAAAAAAA RED SOX WHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> At the cost of his childrens respect


I know that but I don't think it matters to him.

He put a card with the bagels for S21' s birthday. Told him he'd take him to dinner this week. He never did and he's gone next week.

I hate to say this and I'd never say it to my kids but ow has 2 kids my older twos age.

I remember when he worked with her years ago and they'd have their "chats", he'd come home telling me all about her kids. It would annoy the heck out of me and I'd tell him.

I believe my children have been replaced too.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> AS John Sterling would say
> 
> THAAAAAAAAAAA RED SOX WHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN


That was cold lol


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

What is it with ex's and their expectation that they can just claim stuff you once owned together whenever they feel like it?

When my ex left I packed up all her stuff and offered her any jointly owned items she wanted. It took about 9 months for her to collect it all. So fkn casual about it. Like I really wanted all her **** sitting about my house while I'm trying to get on with my life.

More than a year after we separated I decided to have a yard sale to get rid of things I didn't want or need. Out of the blue I get a message from her saying that she wanted certain items handed over if they were being put up for sale. 

This was months after the court order dealing with the separation of assets was finalized. She got a wad of cash. I got the house and all contents. That should have been the end of it. Not in her mind.

When you abandon the responsibilities of a relationship you sure as hell don't get to keep the benefits.

Get your own damn luggage you jacka$$!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SS

I will let you in on a little secret.

If their relationship was so "content" their would be no bagels every week and he would go out and buy his own luggage.

In fact, he would never have mentioned his trip.

Ignore him.

His relationship with his children is just that,,, his. You cannot do anything about the relationship he has with your kids.

But you can turn those thoughts to yourself. To bettering your life. To meeting new people.

To having fun again.

Life can be very simple, but very good.

If you let it.

HM


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SS,
What an ARSE! Of course he knew you would eventually find out about the trip and he liked that-or as mentioned above he would have gone and gotten new luggage. Maybe in his twisted mind he is trying to do some cake eating. You get the bagels and some exercise for the dog, OW gets a cruise. Yuck. Cut him off.
The last time my X came to see the kids last spring he took our grill. This was months after he had moved out. I gave it to him as a x-mas present years ago. He hated it, and if we ever used it-I had to do the grilling. That was fine with me, but it was "his" and he loaded it up. I informed him my house was no longer his department store and nothing else was being taken.
My D became final last week and I was trying to be polite about all this so I sent him a copy of the final decree. That night he called and before I got my first sentence out he interrupted me and said he had another call and hung up! Twit. Of course it was OW. 
Its always been my philosophy that I should treat other people the way I would like to be treated. That just doesn't work with some folks. Lesson learned.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone. He's already called this morning.

I guess I haven't shown enough concern. He told me I'm wrong if I think he has it better than me. That at least I'll be alive in ten years because he's so sick.

He told me I think he's taking this cruise to enjoy himself, that he can't even eat the food on it. He's not doing it for that. He stopped himself from saying anymore at that point.

I calmly pointed out that if he took an honest look at it all these problems started when he left. He got all defensive and said it had nothing to do with it. When I asked if he was sure he told me he didn't want to argue about it.

Now he's texting the kids giving them the rundown on his vacation.

He refused to take these kids anywhere for the last 10 years and he insists on telling them about this trip. 

He's a self centered jerk.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So you aren't letting him borrow the luggage, right?? lol


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> So you aren't letting him borrow the luggage, right?? lol


No I didn't lol.

Turned out when his mother passed away my mother helped him pack up her place.

She had a whole set of luggage. Not the pull kind like everyone has now but it was a good brand and hardly used.
He told my mom to throw it out. She said no and put it in her attic.

When I told her last week that he wanted our luggage for some mystery trip she brought it over and I gave him that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> He's a self centered jerk.


You are over estimating him

And that's not fair to self centered jerks


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So he came by to see the dog. I sent her out with S15. 

He was here and gone in less than 5 minutes.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Perhaps the illusion of cake-eating isn't giving him the same old jolt.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> So he came by to see the dog. I sent her out with S15.
> 
> He was here and gone in less than 5 minutes.


No bagels?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> No bagels?


No lol


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



smallsteps said:


> He told me I think he's taking this cruise to enjoy himself, that he can't even eat the food on it.


Why is he going on this cruise if it's going to be so horrible for him? Oh that's right, he's full of sh!t.

Carry on.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Perhaps the illusion of cake-eating isn't giving him the same old jolt.


I have no idea. I 've had way too much contact with him over two days. 

It's never a good thing for me.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Why is he going on this cruise if it's going to be so horrible for him? Oh that's right, he's full of sh!t.
> 
> Carry on.


Because he's so sick and has it so hard that he NEEDS this trip.

After thinking about it that's what this morning's phone call was about. He wants to make sure we understand why he's going on this trip.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Because he's so sick and has it so hard that he NEEDS this trip.
> 
> After thinking about it that's what this morning's phone call was about. He wants to make sure we understand why he's going on this trip.


Because he's the victim.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Because he's the victim.


You're right. Everything he does points back to that.

He's in overdrive right now because none of us are buying it.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> You're right. Everything he does points back to that.
> 
> He's in overdrive right now because none of us are buying it.


He will continue his quest.

Stay centered and in the center of the triangle.

Let Bagel Boy cycle through victim - prosecutor - and rescuer on his own.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: He ambushed my kids with posow*



Conrad said:


> Because he's the victim.


He certainly is a victim.

He is a victim of his own poor decisions.

He is a victim of his own inability to be honest with himself.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> He will continue his quest.
> 
> Stay centered and in the center of the triangle.
> 
> Let Bagel Boy cycle through victim - prosecutor - and rescuer on his own.


That was the story of our marriage and you're right, he's trying to drag me back into it.

Not going to happen anymore....


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> He certainly is a victim.
> 
> He is a victim of his own poor decisions.
> 
> He is a victim of his own inability to be honest with himself.


True, true and true T12


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I like that Conrad. Middle of the triangle. Do you understand that concept SS. Conrad is one of the wise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> I like that Conrad. Middle of the triangle. Do you understand that concept SS. Conrad is one of the wise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I do I've read up on it.

I'm well aware who Conrad is lol 

I take his advice quite often.


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

That Triangle was my home my entire life. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> That Triangle was my home my entire life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seeing it laid out that way I now see how my entire marriage went through that cycle constantly. 

I think he tried to drag me back into it because he's so used to it. I didn't fall for it this time.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well we had one heck of a night last night.

D24 was supposed to get new tires on her truck. She gets there and they say the wrong ones came in and ordered new ones. In the meantime she was driving on a full spare they AAA had manually put on for her. They fixed her regular tire as a courtesy and put it on for her.

She no sooner pulls out and onto the highway when the tire falls off. Somehow she wasn't hurt and through the kindness of a stranger who pulled up to help and ran to the tire place to force them to go to her things ended up ok.

Someone must have been watching over her because things could have turned out a lot worse.

Of course I needed to be in work 20 minutes later so my mom went to her for moral support because of course her father isn't around. He's on a cruise this week. He's not even aware of what went on.

My mother said D24 made the comment that the one time she needed him he's nowhere around.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Well we had one heck of a night last night.
> 
> D24 was supposed to get new tires on her truck. She gets there and they say the wrong ones came in and ordered new ones. In the meantime she was driving on a full spare they AAA had manually put on for her. They fixed her regular tire as a courtesy and put it on for her.
> 
> ...


And guess what? You did not need him. Neither did your daughter.

Stop thinking of him.

And point out to your daughter that the situation was handled.

All 3 of you are strong woman.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> Yes I do I've read up on it.
> 
> I'm well aware who Conrad is lol
> 
> I take his advice quite often.


Small Steps ~
I once critized Conrad for his blunt terse comments but I stand corrected. It's just his MO. Sorry Conrad.
VH


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Small Steps ~

I am catching up on your thread and it seems to me that he is FINALLY and FULLY realizing the consequences of his actions, lack of responsibility, ****ty judgement, immaturity, selfishness, disgusting behavior and lack of character.

Bon Voyage you IDIOT !!!

VH


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SS,
See what happens when strong and independent women take care of business-things get done and no blood is spilled! So proud of your D and incredibly relieved that she and everyone is ok. You're right it could have been a lot worse. But she's ok and she knows who's there for her when she needs it.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> And guess what? You did not need him. Neither did your daughter.
> 
> Stop thinking of him.
> 
> ...


Thanks, you're right.

From what I hear my mom told them to put it up on a lift so she could check it out herself lol.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks VH & Pluto. I was raised by a single mother and I think she did a pretty okay job at it.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> SS,
> See what happens when strong and independent women take care of business-things get done and no blood is spilled! So proud of your D and incredibly relieved that she and everyone is ok. You're right it could have been a lot worse. But she's ok and she knows who's there for her when she needs it.


Small Steps ~

Pluto is spot on.
Your daughter knows who is there for her.
My son knows who is there for him.
It is called devoted UNCONDITIONAL love! 
We are REAL MOMS!

VH


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Every parent should read this, but especially we single Moms.

Op-Ed Columnist
The Passion of Parenting
By CHARLES M. BLOW

Children must grow up and go away, and that is as it should be.
http://nyti.ms/17NWVYS


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Small Steps ~
> 
> Pluto is spot on.
> Your daughter knows who is there for her.
> ...


Yes we are VH!! I like your new attitude!!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Every parent should read this, but especially we single Moms.
> 
> Op-Ed Columnist
> The Passion of Parenting
> ...


Thanks Pluto. This was a good read.


----------



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

In looking at your most recent posts I'm picking up that this cruise is bothering you quite a lot.

I understand your frustration. He's doing the things with her that he should have done with you when you were together.

But let me just point out the obvious - you don't need him or anyone else to take you on a holiday. You are a strong, independent, capable woman who can take herself on a holiday! And I think you should. 

Start planning one now. Give yourself plenty of time to save up and organize things. How about you and your kids go somewhere nice? You can spend time bonding with them and creating lasting memories. 

This kind of project will be a positive distraction and will give you something to look forward to. Involve the kids in the planning process as well.

Just a suggestion!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> In looking at your most recent posts I'm picking up that this cruise is bothering you quite a lot.
> 
> I understand your frustration. He's doing the things with her that he should have done with you when you were together.
> 
> ...


Thanks, we'll see. Right now for the foreseeable future that's not a possibility but eventually it will be.

Yes it bothers me for two reasons but it's not an overwhelming, crippling feeling. It's more of an annoyance.

First he wanted to go on a cruise for our 25th. He got his cruise, just not with me.

Second it's just a typical scenerio. He always went on trips for business conventions and such. We couldn't afford the types of trips he went on and I would always hear "I'm not paying for it, someone else is" I'm pretty sure that's what's going on here.

So it's really just residual hard feelings. It's nothing new.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks, we'll see. Right now for the foreseeable future that's not a possibility but eventually it will be.
> 
> Yes it bothers me for two reasons but it's not an overwhelming, crippling feeling. It's more of an annoyance.
> 
> ...


And those feelings are understandable.

Do yourself a favor. Take an extra $5 a week. Buy a lottery ticket or scratch off.

Your luck is bound to change.

I hit for $2,800.00 on Lotto last year. 

"Hey You never know!"


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks, we'll see. Right now for the foreseeable future that's not a possibility but eventually it will be.
> 
> Yes it bothers me for two reasons but it's not an overwhelming, crippling feeling. It's more of an annoyance.
> 
> ...


Chin up sweetie

I just gave Dis some advice Go check his Blah Blah Blah thread and see what it was.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> And those feelings are understandable.
> 
> Do yourself a favor. Take an extra $5 a week. Buy a lottery ticket or scratch off.
> 
> ...


Can't win if you don't play HM

Good for you

But your girls prolly got the lions share of that windfall


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> Can't win if you don't play HM
> 
> Good for you
> 
> But your girls prolly got the lions share of that windfall


Close. I gave my wife the winning ticket and she drove to the state lottery office with her Mom.

She was excited.

I am now playing for the big bucks.. 
:lol:


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Close. I gave my wife the winning ticket and she drove to the state lottery office with her Mom.
> 
> She was excited.
> 
> ...


True story

I got a 20K bonus a few years back


I never saw a penny:scratchhead:


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> True story
> 
> I got a 20K bonus a few years back
> 
> ...


I believe you. I am owed a lot of commission money and wonder if i will see a cent this year between taxes and my employers accounting dept's checks and balances.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Chin up sweetie
> 
> I just gave Dis some advice Go check his Blah Blah Blah thread and see what it was.


Are you serious???!!!! Lol


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> And those feelings are understandable.
> 
> Do yourself a favor. Take an extra $5 a week. Buy a lottery ticket or scratch off.
> 
> ...


I hope so....

Congratulations, nice win!


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So he's back. Called me first thing Saturday morning with some lame excuse about wanting to know why a friend of his called him while he was away (like I had any idea). He asked about the kids and I filled him in, especially about what happened to D24.

He really didn't do anything at first except the usual "I told you to use my guy" but then the place she got them from started jerking her around. I tried to tell her how to handle it but S21 texted his father and told him D24 needed help.

Stbxh went storming into the tire place (a chain store) and blew a fit. They went to look up the records and can't find them. He calls D24 who realizes, he's at the wrong location. She went to a different one.

D24 called me to tell me the story. Of course it was funny, it's typical him but then it made me sad. It was typical him and it was something we would have all got a good laugh at when we were all together in the evenings. 

It's much easier to dislike him when he's being a jerk.

It's not him I miss, at that point, I missed my family. I missed those moments we used to have.

I'm sad about that and mad at him for destroying our family.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I was wondering how you were.

Were you waiting to hear from him?

And you can still laugh but now it is at his expense.

Keep moving forward.

HM


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi SmallS,
Sometimes, a horse is a horse, or an a**. Try to remember, you and the kids can still have the laugh, he hasn't taken that away-and never will! 
Every once in a while my X will text me to ask why some company called him. How should I know? Its not an attempt by him to keep in contact, he just thinks I would know. I tried to tease him sometimes and tell him I am selfishly withholding my omnipotent powers just to irk him. He doesn't laugh. But I do.


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Hi SmallS,
> Sometimes, a horse is a horse, or an a**. Try to remember, you and the kids can still have the laugh, he hasn't taken that away-and never will!
> Every once in a while my X will text me to ask why some company called him. How should I know? Its not an attempt by him to keep in contact, he just thinks I would know. I tried to tease him sometimes and tell him I am selfishly withholding my omnipotent powers just to irk him. He doesn't laugh. But I do.


I like this.

Steps, laughter is the best approach. Learn to have fun with it sometimes. If he's acting like jerk, put a different spin to it.

BTW, what ever happened to HM, you and I meeting? Lets do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> I like this.
> 
> Steps, laughter is the best approach. Learn to have fun with it sometimes. If he's acting like jerk, put a different spin to it.
> 
> ...


Oh ho!

SS and I were wondering if you remembered dinner.....

Let's pick a date and a location.

HM


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks guys, I've been reading your posts this morning but just spent 2 hours on the phone with at&t upgrading our cell phone service. 
S15' s cell phone broke yesterday and it was renewal time anyway.

On the plus side I finally will have an iPhone lol.

HM - I'm hanging in. Things were going pretty good. I'm just working a lot of hours lately so it's been keeping me busy. No, I was not waiting for him to call. As a matter of fact I was quite surprised that he did. Then I was annoyed because it just seemed like he made up an excuse to call the house. I almost got the feeling he expected me to ask how his trip went.

Pluto - you are right once an a**, always an a**. I had to stop last night and start mentally listing the bad and the good. Yes, there are good things but the bad far outweighed the good.

RG - you are so right. Sometimes laughing is the only way I've got through most of this. I need to just keep doing it.

As for dinner guys, I'm in. I'm going to work tomorrow night and my schedule for the next two weeks should be there. Once I know when I'm working we can try to figure what day is best for everyone. I'm pretty sure Script wants to join us too.


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Does next weekend work for you guys?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

This upcoming weekend I'm working both nights. I'll know tomorrow about next weekend.


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Ok, that sounds good. I am ready. Just say the date and time - I am a go.

We'll kidnap Script.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Ok, that sounds good. I am ready. Just say the date and time - I am a go.
> 
> We'll kidnap Script.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like a plan lol.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Let me know what day you narrow down and I will check in with my boss to make sure I am clear of family obligations.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Let me know what day you narrow down and I will check in with my boss to make sure I am clear of family obligations.


Ok will do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

SS How you doooin sweety ?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> SS How you doooin sweety ?


Thanks for asking 55. I'm doing okay. Not much going on, just feeling all over the place lately but had a long chat with a dear friend last night and I'm feeling better today. Our talk helped me get my perspective back. 

I guess with the holidays approaching and the fact that it's coming up on a year since he left my mind tends to wander. I know it's most likely around this time last year that plans for him to leave were underway. 

He told the kids he "doesn't have to see them" for Thanksgiving. The kids told me they're fine, one less awkward visit as far as they're concerned. I'm not sure how Christmas will play out yet, it was 6 months since the whole botched posow introduction. I'm figuring there will be another attempt soon, I can't picture her tolerating being left out or sharing him with them much longer.

I spoke to D24 about this. Her response was that hopefully he learned his lesson the last time he tried.

On the positive side the kids are really looking forward to Christmas, certainly more than I am. I'm happy to see that and even if I have to fake it for them I will. They feel the pressure of their father is gone, so let's have fun.

Oh and it seems the bagels have stopped. A few weeks ago I pointed out to him that he was shorting the money he gave me by $20 a week but I was still paying his gym membership and car insurance. The $20 went back into the weekly money but the bagels stopped. Lol oh well


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Oh Smalls, the holidays are the worst aren't they. We will get through it all.
I think you should kick him off the gym membership, he gets enough exercise on his own, what with all the hoops he has to jump through. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for friends (how dumb was that). We'll raise a glass of viognie for you.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks for asking 55. I'm doing okay. Not much going on, just feeling all over the place lately but had a long chat with a dear friend last night and I'm feeling better today. Our talk helped me get my perspective back.
> 
> I guess with the holidays approaching and the fact that it's coming up on a year since he left my mind tends to wander. I know it's most likely around this time last year that plans for him to leave were underway.
> 
> ...


Who needs the Carbs anyway

Get that fake it out of your vocabulary

Just Have Fun ......................Always

Have a nice Thanksgiving everybody


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Oh and it seems the bagels have stopped. A few weeks ago I pointed out to him that he was shorting the money he gave me by $20 a week but I was still paying his gym membership and car insurance. The $20 went back into the weekly money but the bagels stopped. Lol oh well


I do hope this helps you see who he really is.....

Look at your calendar SS because I am hungry.

I will try to get RG to go.

HM


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Pluto - he told me he'd take the gym membership back this month.

HM - he's done plenty of things to show me he hasn't changed a bit. 

Sounds good, see if you can get RG on board. Things are crazy with work but I can most likely request a night off.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Pluto - he told me he'd take the gym membership back this month.
> 
> HM - he's done plenty of things to show me he hasn't changed a bit.
> 
> Sounds good, see if you can get RG on board. Things are crazy with work but I can most likely request a night off.


Don't miss work. Figure on a night that you are off and free.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Don't miss work. Figure on a night that you are off and free.


I won't but they'll have me scheduled every weekend from now until Christmas. Next time I go in the new schedule should be up which will be for the second week in Dec. 

In order to get a Friday or Saturday off I need to request it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Does anyone else immediately think about this thread whenever the word bagel is used?

Happy Thanksgiving SS.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

torn2012 said:


> Does anyone else immediately think about this thread whenever the word bagel is used?
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving SS.


Lol that's true T. Thanks, turkey is all ready for tomorrow, deserts are done and of course there will be lasagna because you know, I'm Italian.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So I made it!!

The night before got a little dicey. There were triggers, it hit me as I was organizing my fridge that he wasn't part of things this year. It really caught me by surprise. I was able to get through it though.

Thanksgiving went great though. No pressure, no one telling me to hurry up or rush us to get things done in a certain timeframe. Nobody yelling to hurry up and clean up behind him.
S21 and I were in the kitchen cooking all day. S15 helped get the table ready and D24 was over and helping too.
After our lasagna we had for lunch we decided to put up the Christmas tree. We bought a new one, a 7&1/2".

Now I know that sounds pretty ordinary but for us it's significant.
Stbxh never allowed the tree up until December and would argue when I insisted it go up the 1st week in December. As for the size of the tree, last time we bought one he insisted on 6&1/2, I always wanted bigger. The old tree had to be replaced - we went big.
We did things OUR way. 

The kids and I laughed all day. We enjoyed ourselves. No pressure, no stress just good times. I got to talk to relatives and friends during the day and kept an ongoing chat going throughout the day with a certain person that makes me smile.

Oh and the food was excellent too. The kids and I agreed it never tasted that good. All and all just a wonderful day!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Awesome for you and your family. 😃
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> So I made it!!
> 
> The night before got a little dicey. There were triggers, it hit me as I was organizing my fridge that he wasn't part of things this year. It really caught me by surprise. I was able to get through it though.
> 
> ...


Life goes on and you are making it count

Good for you SS

Be proud of yourself


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SS, this is wonderful. I am so happy you and the kids enjoyed a lovely time and got to live life on your terms. Many, many more joyous times for you all!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm so glad to read your Thanksgiving update, SS. There are mixed emotions when you think of the person who is missing...but it seems you're already getting to the point of seeing that even though he's gone, you're not really missing anything about him! It is an odd thing to feel that hole during special times like holidays, but for a lot of us -- what was there to miss? From what you've described -- nothing good! 

Enjoy your weekend with your kids, SS.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone! It looks like I'm getting Christmas since my brothers house won't be ready so it's another new tradition started and one I'm looking forward to. Stbxh didn't like having company here, after the first Christmas in this house where we hosted everyone and had a great time, he changed his attitude. It was the first and last Christmas we had here.

AP - yeah, I see there really is nothing to miss. It was all stress and aggravation with him. We not only enjoyed thanksgiving but we are enjoying this whole season so far.

As for him, he's digging his hole with his kids a little at a time. D24 needed a new car battery. A place around here was running a special so she made the appointment and called him. He went to her apartment and immediately was complaining about pulling his back out. Then started complaining that she made a mistake, that she should have gone to "his guy". He jumped her battery and followed her there. She told me he made a scene telling her to leave there and go to his guy etc etc. She stood her ground and he left.

She called all upset. She felt he embarrassed her and resented him telling her what to do. She and I had a long talk about her father being that way toward me for 25 years and now he was doing it to her. I also tried to explain that the whole pulled back/bad mood was due to his guilt of not seeing them for Thanksgiving. It had nothing to do with her.

She understood. She just said she can't deal with him. He makes her anxious.

Oh and he texted her a sarcastic message today asking if her new car battery was still working. I'm biting my tongue.....


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

As I have always said

What a piece of SH!T


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks everyone! It looks like I'm getting Christmas since my brothers house won't be ready so it's another new tradition started and one I'm looking forward to. Stbxh didn't like having company here, after the first Christmas in this house where we hosted everyone and had a great time, he changed his attitude. It was the first and last Christmas we had here.
> 
> AP - yeah, I see there really is nothing to miss. It was all stress and aggravation with him. We not only enjoyed thanksgiving but we are enjoying this whole season so far.
> 
> ...



Don't bite your tongue. Take her phone and reply "The battery is working great! In fact, better than our relationship Dad... "

That is the message that should be sent.

He needs to grow up.

Don't make excuses for him.

He should be ashamed of himself and he isn't.

HM


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Or she can just answer him in a calm, civil voice "Of course the battery is working fine, Dad. There are many businesses in town who do a good job of installing batteries. I just happened to pick a different one than you did. I hope you can respect that." If he goes off on her, she can say she has to go. 

Hopefully that will give him pause to see that his child (albeit an adult now) is acting exponentially more mature than he is. Chances are low that this will happen, but getting mad only escalates him, and adds to your D's anxiety. As you know, SS, it's super, super hard to change your dynamic with someone like him. But this is great training for your D. It's good for her to learn to stand up to her dad, because this is training for other relationships as well. 

It's good for her to learn that, even though he's her dad, he doesn't have a right to treat her that way. And quiet strength is a good thing to cultivate. 

And, *good for her* for standing her ground and not going to 'his guy.' :smthumbup:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Dad we will be fine without you


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

What an idiot he is. I agree with the advice about not making excuses, but here I honestly think you weren't making excuses, you were explaining his behavior based on years of your marriage. Did it matter which store your DD bought the batter? Of course not. He wanted control and she was not cooperating. Just keep giving her support to deal with her father. There are a few outcomes to their relationship: 1) He finally has a clue how his behavior impacts others and changes, 2) DD accepts his behavior and learns to protect herself, 3) DD and/or WH end the relationship. At this point they are both adults, although I seriously doubt he considers her one.
What fun to have family in the house for Christmas. I hope the prep is stress-free for you, and fun for everyone.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

It’s going to kill him when he comes to the realization that he no longer has an impact on their lives.

Make him feel his irrelevance

That’s the lesson to be learned for him

Auh …But will he ?

Don’t think so .......Stupid sh!t


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So it's pretty amusing when karma comes back to get you.

One of the other things D24 and stbxh argued about was whether it was just the battery or was the starter or alternator was involved. He swore it was more than the battery, D24 was pretty sure that was it.

Now as a sidenote - stbxh is not good with cars. When his starter went once, I had to tell him what it was. Another time he jumped 
S21' s car, set it up wrong and fried the fuses and wires in the car. 
The kids don't listen to him.

I get a phone call yesterday, seems the alternator went in his car and he had to have it replaced. 

Of course he had to text D24 when he got his bill. He had to let her know he paid $10.00 less then she did for his battery with his mechanic.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> So it's pretty amusing when karma comes back to get you.
> 
> One of the other things D24 and stbxh argued about was whether it was just the battery or was the starter or alternator was involved. He swore it was more than the battery, D24 was pretty sure that was it.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he's got Bagel money!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I could really go for some lox and bagels right now.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

This guy never lets us down.

ss, you are not missing out on much now are you?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like he's got Bagel money!


Lol true!

He doesn't drop them off anymore. It finally stopped.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> This guy never lets us down.
> 
> ss, you are not missing out on much now are you?


Nope not at all RG. 

We decided this year to decorate the outside of the house with lights. He never wanted us to when he lived here so we didn't. 

I'm missing nothing, I'm doing my own thing


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Lol true!
> 
> He doesn't drop them off anymore. It finally stopped.


I guess he felt like everything is even


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> I guess he felt like everything is even


Wow that was quick


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Of course he had to text D24 when he got his bill. He had to let her know he paid $10.00 less then she did for his battery with his mechanic.


Translation of that text: 
"Na na na na boo boo I'm just a big douche canoe!!"

:rofl:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> I guess he felt like everything is even





smallsteps said:


> Wow that was quick



No kidding!   Asshat.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Wow

He just reaffirmed to his oldest child that not only is she more mature but that he is a mental midget.

I feel bad for all the little people out there.

HM


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Things have been quiet. Stbxh dropped S15 off after picking him up school Friday. He texts S21 Saturday morning -

Ex- "the outside of the house looks really good" 

S21 - "thanks, this is what it looks like when it's lit up at night" and he sent him over a picture.

Ex- "you guys did a nice job"

We all got a good laugh out of that. 

Other than that the kids and I are enjoying the holidays. It's going by very fast. I'm sort of surprised I'm doing so well at a time that I thought I would dread but I know why I'm okay. I never dreamed back in January that I'd be getting through this month the way I am.

I'm happy.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Things have been quiet. Stbxh dropped S15 off after picking him up school Friday. He texts S21 Saturday morning -
> 
> Ex- "the outside of the house looks really good"
> 
> ...


Atta Girl.

"I'm sort of surprised I'm doing so well at a time that I thought I would dread..."

I'm not. 

Must be a little kick to HIS ego that you and your family are doing so well. Almost felt a little bad for him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ReGroup said:


> Atta Girl.
> 
> "I'm sort of surprised I'm doing so well at a time that I thought I would dread..."
> 
> ...


Send him some cream cheese so he can console himself.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Atta Girl.
> 
> "I'm sort of surprised I'm doing so well at a time that I thought I would dread..."
> 
> ...


:iagree: RG I was just going to send SS an Atta Girl as well

As I said before about POSXH

Make him feel his irrelevance


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That is truly awesome, SS! I'm so happy for you and your kids. So often in these situations, holidays are the opposite of happiness and peace. Not to diminish any hurt you might still have, but it sounds like the balance has been permanently tilted towards the positive. :smthumbup:

Sucks to be Grinch, doesn't it, former-Mr. SS?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Things have been quiet. Stbxh dropped S15 off after picking him up school Friday. He texts S21 Saturday morning -
> 
> Ex- "the outside of the house looks really good"
> 
> ...


Congratulations. Step 1 achieved.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So of course the holidays weren't going to pass without some form of aggravation from him. He contacted D24 yesterday and asked what they wanted to do about Christmas. D24 suggested her apartment. He told her he had a work emergency and he'd get back to her in a little while. When he did the comment was "I guess you guys don't want to come to my house?" D24 responded "well you can't see the dog at your house but you can if you come to the apartment". He quickly agreed.

Of course D24 missed something here - by using the dog as an excuse, she left the door open for him to bring his girlfriend with him. After all she never said that was the reason they didn't want to go to his house.When I pointed this out she responded that it would be the world's shortest Christmas visit.

This aggravated me but the after discussing it with a friend, I realized he will be digging his own hole if he does this. I can't control what he does, he should know better than to do that to them but let's be real here....when has he ever known better?

The other reality is he will have left 1 year ago on January 2nd. Even if he doesn't show up with her on Christmas, his push to get the kids to accept her is far from over. It's not bothering me as much as it would have 6 months ago, but it's an irritant. I've accepted what's happened. I'm long over him and his drama, but I don't want her in my kids life. That would make him happy. He doesn't deserve that. I also know there isn't much I can do about it. I know my kids are older and have good heads on their shoulders. I know I can't control what he does - he's just an idiot who still doesn't understand what he did was terribly wrong (no surprise there) I just need to let it all go.

I'm in a good place, I can't let him ruin that on me.

So since it is Christmas Eve I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas. I hope all of you have a wonderful day tomorrow and may God grant you every wish and blessing you deserve (and Santa brings everything you asked for.  )

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Merry Christmas Smallsteps!
You are so right about not letting him ruin the holidays for you anymore. Trust your kids, they are smart and will do what they need to with their father. Try to remember it is separate from you now, I know that's hard for me.
I hope you and your family have much joy and love over the holiday.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Merry Christmas SS.

And you cannot control him. 

He cannot control your kids.

So stop thinking of him. He does not deserve your thoughts.

Keep the focus on you and be happy.

HM


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> So of course the holidays weren't going to pass without some form of aggravation from him. He contacted D24 yesterday and asked what they wanted to do about Christmas. D24 suggested her apartment. He told her he had a work emergency and he'd get back to her in a little while. When he did the comment was "I guess you guys don't want to come to my house?" D24 responded "well you can't see the dog at your house but you can if you come to the apartment". He quickly agreed.
> 
> *Of course D24 missed something here *- by using the dog as an excuse, she left the door open for him to bring his girlfriend with him. After all she never said that was the reason they didn't want to go to his house.When I pointed this out she responded that it would be the world's shortest Christmas visit.
> 
> ...


SS does D24 have it in her to intentionally set them up for a humiliating experience?

That may end any further attempts to push her on your children.

Put this behind you nothing you can do either way.

Merry Christmas to all and everybody’s family

55


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank you all. Kept very busy today. Last minute shopping in the morning. Baking and cooking during the day and wrapping presents in the evening. Instead of the traditional fish dinner that only stbxh and I ate (the kids don't eat fish) the kids and I ordered Chinese food and had a great dinner. Then the kids all sat down after dinner and decorated cookies. It's amazing how some traditions don't end no matter how old they get.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Merry Christmas, SSteps! It's wonderful to hear that you are taking this time to carry on the old traditions that you love with your kids, and maybe starting some new ones, too. I hope the rest of your holiday is wonderful, and that, at the very least, your kids don't have to deal with more crap from him tomorrow. But you're right -- if it happens, it will be his own doing. You just keep doing the great job you're doing of moving on and making the most of the time with your kids. :smthumbup:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Awesome. Save me a cookie.

Wait till you pass those traditions to your grand kids.... 

Merry Christmas SS.

HM


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well the day was generally a success but it had its moments. He didn't bring the girlfriend. As a matter of fact, he ended up stopping here to visit the dog (in the yard - I didn't go out) then onto D24' s apt for time with the kids. As soon as he left here he texted me:

"I brought flowers to grandma and grandpa when I went to the other cemeteries"

He was referring to my grandparents. It completely threw me off. It's so much easier when he behaves like an idiot. This was the nice side of him showing. Notice he didn't say "your grandparents" . I had my moment - yes I cried. It's been a trying week, I'm all over the place, I'm tired - then this - it was probably coming. 

Once I got that out of the way I realized I'm sure he did it because I still take care of his parents ashes. We share 25 years, a long history and three children. I guess someday we can find some sort of mutual respect for one another but not right now because the reality is his bad traits still outweigh the good. I'm still healing. I'm still rebuilding, trying to figure out if the life I'm envisioning right now is going to work out while he's building a life with his girlfriend. 
We aren't on a level playing field. I need to protect "me". What I do know is I'm better off without him.

Of course he had to drop some bomb on the kids. He informed them they'll be moving further south in our state, about an hour away. Not sure what this means for his visits with the kids, they seemed a little bothered by it. I on the other hand no longer have to worry about bumping into the two of them around town.

He then asked the boys to help him move. They said yes. I'm sure she'll be there. Not much I can do about it.

So I tried to shake all this off. A lot of emotional ups and downs today. It did not help with the frame of mind I've been in the past couple of days.

The kids and I had a good Christmas other than that. We had a good time opening gifts and hanging out in the morning. We went to D25' s apartment for dinner with the rest of my family later in the afternoon. We had a good time and a lot of laughs. 

I'm okay tonight. I'm emotionally spent and physically tired but okay. I'm grateful for my blessings, I need to focus on all the good that has happened this year. I'm better off now than I was this time last year. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Hope everyone had a great day today.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

SS Sorry for your sad moments but glad you made the best of it

Not bringing OW around for Christmas is more a problem for her than anybody

You have read Disconected's thread right ?

Get out of the house more.

55


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No I haven't and work has kept me very busy lately. Remember - I work retail, I've been gone more than I've been home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SS

Can I make a suggestion. Take it if you want to.

So he put flowers on your grandparents graves.

It was nice.

Send a text back. "Thank you". Nothing more. Nothing less.

It is only to acknowledge that the tool did something unselfish. I think it also might help you heal and move on.

As to your sons helping him move. I know it pains you but they are men. They can make their own decisions. They do not have to choose sides.

He is their father and they obviously still love him.

So let them. Do not let their actions towards their father hurt you. 

Because your kids obviously love you very much too. They spent Xmas with you........

Glad your Christmas was nice.

Try not to work too much and may 2014 be a better year for you and your family.

HM


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, they sometimes do nice things along with the bad things. It's confusing and reminds us they aren't completely evil.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SS,
I totally agree with you that his moving further away will be good for you. You won't bump into him without warning. The physical separation really helps.
Wishing you the very best of new years to come.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> No I haven't and work has kept me very busy lately. Remember - I work retail, I've been gone more than I've been home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats good but work is not what I am talking about

Just get out I am not speaking about uncomfortable social situations

55


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

HM - I did exactly that. I thanked him. As for the boys they kept asking if I minded. I kept telling them no, I'm fine. 

I'll be okay. I had a feeling this would be a bad week in general. 

Openminded - I'm not bitter toward him. Do I want my kids around her? No I don't but my kids are older and I don't have control over what they do. 
Can I be friends with him right now? No. I am cordial but that's it and it's enough for now. My stbxh is with his affair partner and they've known each other 20 yrs. It's a little complicated because I'm left with a lot of questions of how long this affair went on for and how much of my marriage was a lie.
But I appreciate what you are saying. My parents are like that now, they get along pretty well.

Pluto - thank you. It is going to be better that he's further away.

55- I understand what you meant. What I was saying is the job this past 6 weeks have taken up most of my nights and truth is, I could use the money. The time I was off was spent with my kids.

The truth is the people I work with are fun to be around. We do have a good time. We have a lot of laughs together. There has to be a reason that even after people get full time jobs they keep this as their part time job. 

As for getting out my friends and I are already planning to go out together soon. I'm not the only one who has been busy lately.

Please do not get the impression that I'm some shy wallflower. I'm not. I don't have a problem talking to people and making friends. 

I'm not interested in dating right now. I'm preoccupied with work, kids, friends and hopefully going back to school in the spring.

I have someone I am friends with and recently discovered we have feelings for one another. He's someone who makes me smile. Because of distance and both of us having similar priorities this is very new and will be a slow going process. We're very good friends, we "like" each other, it's pretty simple. I'm not sure what the future will bring, I'm hoping for the happy ending, but no matter what I am enjoying this right now.

I'm just looking forward to getting these last two milestones out of the way. New Year's eve and then January 2nd. On January 3rd there will be no more "firsts" to go through. Only new things to look forward to.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> HM - I did exactly that. I thanked him. As for the boys they kept asking if I minded. I kept telling them no, I'm fine.
> 
> I'll be okay. I had a feeling this would be a bad week in general.
> 
> ...


This I Like sounds like a good start

Just remember you and be her


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> This I Like sounds like a good start
> 
> Just remember you and be her


Thanks, it is a good start. 

That's one thing that won't happen. I'll never forget who I am ever again.


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