# My husband won't bathe amongst other things...



## akwife (Dec 6, 2009)

I have a dilemma that I’m not sure how to solve regarding my husband’s hygiene habits. He consistently goes at least 3-4 days without bathing and has been known to go as long as a month without a shower or brushing his teeth. I discussed this with him about 10 years ago but that resulted in a physical assault on me. It is the only time he has ever hit me.
I am just not sure what to say to him at this point. When he comes to bed, I usually have to ask him if he took a shower. There are times when I have to plead with him to take a shower. 

He has also put on over 100 pounds. He is only 5’ 7” and he weighs close to 300 pounds right now. When he comes home, he lies on the bed all night with a tremendous amount of gas that usually seems endless and he won’t get up to use the bathroom even though he gasses everyone out of the room. My bedroom generally smells like a** all the time and I’m so grossed out at this point I’m not sure what to do. 

In 2002 I got a bladder infection that spread to my kidneys resulting in my having to take a strong antibiotic. I had an adverse reaction to that antibiotic that caused 7 years of excruciating pain. I almost went into liver failure and the antibiotic attacked all of the tendons in my body. I’m sure that his hygiene habits were a direct cause of that bladder infection.

Not only is all of this going on, he is viewing a good deal of porn and has been visiting B&D websites.

I am now at the point that I have absolutely no physical attraction to the man I’ve been married to for 11 years now. He believes that the only thing that he should have to do is go to work and make money. He shouldn't have to do anything else, AT ALL! He comes to bed and just expects that I should just want to sleep with him and I am absolutely repulsed at the thought of having sex with him. I don’t know if I can ever get that back or if the damage is too great at this point.

After what occurred 10 years ago when I confronted him about the bathing issue, I have been very hesitant to discuss this with him again. I was so sick for those 7 years and I was on so many prescription medications (morphine, hydrocodone, Xanax…)I really just didn’t care for a long time. I have very recently recovered from that incident and now I do care, more than ever. He just doesn’t seem to get it when I’m begging him most nights to take a shower. I just don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to take a shower.

His weight and pornography addiction is getting to be too much for me as well. He just doesn't seem to care about himself at all or me for that matter. He doesn't care whether or not I'm attracted to him. I am so stressed out most of the time now I can't hardly think straight.

I am currently a full time student and am not in a financial position to end this. We also have 2 children together aged 11 and 9.

I really don’t know what to do at this point and any advice given would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

The hygiene, weight, anger are your husbands lack of responsibility for himself. He is not in control of himself, and this will be not only these issues but also so many other things, like you mentioned, probably does not much else other than the minimum what is needed to get by.

It is not even needed to be said yet again, but still, that a woman will resent a weak man, and a woman will be iresistably attracted to a man who is in control of both himself and his world.

Be sure the man in control of himself is going to show this by some means to take care of his body, at least to the degree of cleanliness and not losing control of overeating, this not even mentioning exercise.

The pornography although upsetting to you is showing he is also noticing your lack of attraction to him. Be sure he knows and is resentful as well.

Best to view this not as a hygiene issue, but as a symptom of the larger issue that your husband is neglecting himself and his responsibilities. Think instead that your concern for your husband is unhealthy and not taking care of himself.

Was the time of you and him getting together a healthy attraction? Was your health issues the time that things changed? So often the marriage is stressed and resentment starts with subtleness and then manifest as problems much later and sometimes looking much different.

To communicate these root issues, to share true feelings is the start. 

To get your husband back to control himself and his world, which is the root and source of you being attracted to him.

Also know that physical violence is not to be tolerated, and you must do what is necessary to protect yourself and keep yourself out of a dangerous situation.

I wish you well.


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Wow, this is a slippery slope. I dont have any advice, but sometimes hearing other peoples problems will show us what we have to be thankful for. So I am now thankful that my husband who is 5' 5" and over 300lbs (which to me does not make him unattractive) cleans himself. 

I guess one thing that my husband does like is that often when he comes from a shower I can smell his body wash and compliment him. He also uses a pomade that smells great and likes when I smell his hair, which I like too. Scent can have a lot to do with attraction. Do you think you might be slightly attracted to him if he smelled good?


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

He sounds like he is suffering from deep, chronic depression. Unclean hygiene and lack of care for self is one of the major symptoms of depression. 

Is there any chance you can get him in to see a physician to talk about this? 

The only thing you can completely control is yourself. You can't control him and what he does with his body. If you have to move into the next bedroom in order to get sleep, then that might be an option. 

If you can't get him to see a physician about his possible depression, then you might not have much choice but to make some decisions about where you want your life to be going in the near future. I'm so sorry you are going through this. A very difficult situation, for sure.


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

I totally agree with Dawnie on their assessment of the situation. His lack of hygeine, porn addiction, and maybe even the weight gain (eating can sometimes be a "crutch") are indicators that point to a possible crisis he may be suffering internally.
My heart goes out to you both. HE needs professional help rebuilding respect for himself which will enable him to regain control of his life. It might be difficult to get him to make this choice, but HE has to WANT to be free from what's been eating at him all this time. This situation has probably drained a lot out of you and it will continue if he is not helped. I'm NOT implying
"go get a divorce", but I am saying that you need to think about getting YOUR quality of life back for your sake and for your children. Mental health issues affects the whole family. Again, He may or may not choose to seek professional help, but a professional may be able to advise YOU or direct you to some helpful resources. You made a very good step towards "change" in your situation by asking for help. Follow through until you get the help you need for your family.


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## akwife (Dec 6, 2009)

Thank you so much for the advice. I plan on having a talk with him this weekend about these issues. I don't want to hurt him but this needs to get resolved. I'm hoping that I can come up with some way to discuss this without it causing an argument. I'll keep you all posted. Thank you again!


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