# Every dream lost...



## outofoptions (Sep 5, 2012)

The only option I have left is an ultimatum... and I hate ultimatums. Plus it would be wrong to bring a child into the world because of an ultimatum. 

I'm 37, he's 46, we've been married 10 years. He made me promises when we got engaged... we'll move to my hometown, we'll have a family are the two biggest. I trusted him to keep these promises or I would not have married him. Now... we still live in his hometown with him saying he never wants to move, and now he says absolutely no kids. 

Well, he doesn't actually say no, he just refuses to discuss anything. Its like he thinks if we dont talk about it, the problem doesn't exist. Or he'll agree with whatever I say, and then just continue on as if I never spoke. 

Years ago I quit working, because I knew if I had money I would leave him. And I never wanted a divorce... I was going to make it work, no matter what. Plus all I've ever heard is how great he is, how good he treats me, how lucky I am etc. And I can't say otherwise, or I would be betraying the trust he has in me. No, he doesn't abuse me in any way, and in fact he does treat me well. In everything except for the big things... where we live, and having a family. (plus the big secret). I could (and did) get over living here, but I can't get over not having a family. Not after years of hearing "soon". 

Now I'm going to be 38 years old and starting over from scratch... and looking at the possibility of never having a family at all. I'm terrified and heartbroken, and I know that I'm going to have to do it on my own. But I refuse to live like this anymore, and I want to be who I was before I got married. A happy person.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

If this is truly how you feel, all you can do is tell your H that either you two start trying for a family or you will leave him. Because you have said that you are willing to stay in his hometown, I would probably leave that out of the conversation.

My advice would be to keep it short and specific. Tell your husband that you need to have a serious talk with him. Let him pick a good time. Then -- tell him "I want to make our marriage work and I hope that you feel the same way. But, I have struggled to come to grips with the fact that we have had any children and that if we continue in this pattern I will be too old to ever have a child. After a lot of thought, I've decided that I need to be a mom. So... I am going to give you (2 days/ a week/ whatever seems fair) to let me know if you are willing to take this step with me. If you decide you cannot then I am going to move out and file for a divorce." Then shut up. If he has no immediate comment or question walk away. And follow through on it.

My guess is that this will be a *very* tough sell. Your H is 46 years old -- an age at which most men have children in college or high school. To become a parent at this point in life -- when he is probably beginning to look forward to retirement -- will be a huge change. I suspect you realize all this and that's why you have waited and hoped for him for 10 years.


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

This is a tough one that is close to heart in one respect. As for the living thing, I moved from a place I loved because my wife hated it and to tell you the truth, it has placed a huge permanent wedge between us.. So there is no winner in that one. The more important thing is this.. If he does not want to be a dad, do not force him. It will end badly for both you and more importantly for your child. It probably will come down to having kids or having him on his terms alone. I cannot stress how badly things can turn when one parent is forced into parenthood.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Outofoptions:

I cannot disagree STRONGLY ENOUGH with Couleur (no offense, I just think you're really incorrect.) 


> tell your H that either you two start trying for a family or you will leave him.


 OregonDaddy is right, forcing him to be a parent will end badly for both you AND your child (who will end up being resented and/or ignored by Daddy).


> After a lot of thought, I've decided that I need to be a mom.


 This is NOT true. It did not take you 'a lot of thought'...implying that you only recently came to this decision. This is AN AGREEMENT that the two of you have had FOR OVER A DECADE. He is reneging on this agreement (and at this point you should let him, for the reason given above) and HAS BEEN STRINGING YOU ALONG FOR OVER A DECADE.

You should run like h*ll while you can and make a life for yourself as YOU want to define it! 



> we've been married 10 years. He made me promises when we got engaged... we'll move to my hometown, we'll have a family are the two biggest. *I trusted him to keep these promises or I would not have married him.* Now... we still live in his hometown with him saying he never wants to move, and now he says absolutely no kids.
> 
> Well, he doesn't actually say no, he just refuses to discuss anything. Its like he thinks if we dont talk about it, the problem doesn't exist. Or *he'll agree with whatever I say, and then just continue on as if I never spoke*.


If being a mom is a deal-breaker, then it's a deal-breaker. The longer you put off divorcing this man and moving on with your life, the slimmer your chances of becoming a mom.

Your husband does NOT respect you; if he did, he would not REFUSE to consider what you want. He would NOT act as though only HIS concerns are important!



> Years ago I quit working, because I knew if I had money I would leave him.


 It sounds to me like you married him (and have STAYED married to him) for his money. Is your comfortable life worth NOT having your dreams met? Not having your wishes/feelings considered?



> (plus the big secret).


 What is THIS supposed to mean?

Only YOU can decide if being married to him, not having to work, being the envy of other people is WORTH IT TO YOU. If it is, stay and suck it up. If it's not...move on...NOW.

I left my 1st husband after he lied to me about wanting children. I have a BEAUTIFUL daughter that I had when I was 40yo. My good friends had their only daughters at 41yo and 42yo. It is NOT too late for you, but it soon will be.

You need to decide what YOU want out of your life. (It's already about 1/2 way over!)


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