# Relationship needs and counselling



## Calistyle033

Hello,

My wife and I have been seeing a marriage counsellor in our city and I wanted to discuss with an individual counsellor some further issues that I have.



Background

I am 31 years old and my wife is 28 years old. We have a 16 month old daughter both professionals and working consistent and well-paying jobs.

We have been having marriage issues and trying to juggle life, our personal needs and each other as our daughter was unplanned and was a huge change for us. We have got in to the point that we will trying counselling and if it doesn’t help, we will go our separate ways.

We typically make our relationship priority as much as we can and do date nights at least 4-5 times a month and a lot of errands and spend days together doing chores etc. She has said that quality time is very important to her in a relationship.

This could include spending time such as movies, dinners, outdoor activities (which she really doesn't like) indoor activities, watching movies at home etc. However, lately it's been moreso movies at the theatre and dinners because of babysitting 


Issue

We realized that there are two big areas for our problems so far. For her, her anger, verbal abuse is a huge problem. For me, my defensiveness when it comes to criticism and actions.

I think the way my wife was raised, she has quite a bit of selfish demands, grew up as a princess with the world revolving around her. Her mom will drop anything for her and meet her needs and she is now used to getting her way immediately. She says that quality time is important to her and that we should always be priority for each other. However, she wants 90% of my free time and when I don’t give her 90% of my free time because of family, friends, career, personal health reasons, I am attacked, told she’s going to leave, manipulated into giving her what she needs and threats of divorce are uttered. (We haven’t had a chance to discuss this stuff yet and just the criticism and defensiveness.)

I am having trouble wrapping my head around how to not be defensive and wanted to reach out.

I understand the implications it has in an argument where if I do not acknowledge the others persons feelings and needs, and just explain or excuse my actions, it does not help the situation has I have not addressed the individuals emotional needs. I.e. a simple example would be if I understand correctly, if a person is explaining to me how it hurt them that I did not say bye before I left, if I respond with oh yeah I was late and busy and just had to run off. It doesn’t acknowledge the others feelings. Instead I should not provide a reason and just say I understand that you are upset that I didn’t say bye and I am sorry.

An area that I am having trouble wrapping my head around in regards to the defensive part is when it comes to the verbal abuse, manipulations or questions that are asked in a way that I have no other way to respond except in a defensive manner:

1. Simple example – If I am running cutting tomatoes, she tells me that it would be better if I cut them this way, I acknowledge her but I continue cutting the tomatoes the way I want to. She becomes angry and goes off about how I just do whatever I want, why can’t I just listen to what she is saying and further verbal abuse and manipulation. She further ask questions like why do you always do what you want to do, or why do you think your way is better (as a rhetorical question) that puts me in a position that I have to justify my choice or explain to her, even though its asked in a way to belittle and doesn’t really care about the answer.

This goes on until I give in and just do it her way. When I do that I feel angry and feel like I am losing myself. This issue pretty much arises anytime I like to do something or my own way and she doesn’t A) like it B) thinks her way is better or C) If I am not putting her needs or views first above mine.



I feel like if I don’t follow her ways, she is manipulative and aggressive and does not respect my needs and my decisions.



2. Another issue is how do I prevent being defensive when I feel like I am not being treated fairly. For example, my daughter was crying and I decided to make the decision to take her out of the room. I was immediately attacked with criticism and verbal abuse. Then few days later same scenario but she decides to take her side the room and when I ask her why is she taking her out of the room, I thought we weren’t supposed to do that, she responds with defensiveness and further verbal abuse. 

Her constant responses are that life isn’t fair, stop comparing, yours always causing an issue etc. Do I just ignore her and do whatever I want?



3. Another issue is she’s always wants more and more from me and has got to the point where I cannot simply give her that especially when my needs are not being met and I am trying to juggle and balance life. For example, this weekend I had to be away for a work trip to L.A , I was working 12-15 hours a day and whenever I could get a break I would call her or text her. However, when I got back she was upset that I did not make her priority and go above and beyond to make her feel important and that I missed her. I got angry and defensive that every time I got a chance I would try. She got hung up on small things like that I said I miss you guys not I miss her or didn’t text a memory in the past we had in L.A. and that I should have done that. She also started stating that in the future she expects me to behave this way and needs me to change and me to go more above and beyond for her when I am away. I understand that my reaction of the defensiveness part doesn’t help. However, I know that it’s not my personality to be like that nor will I be able to fulfill her needs in the future. How do I go about responding to things like this and telling her I cannot meet those expectations that you have of me without it being taken has a negative things and leading to personal attacks or her withdrawing and wanting to end it.



4. Finally last issue is, when I say no to something she wants me to do she makes me feel guilty by attacking me and trying to manipulate me by sayings things like that I don’t care about her feelings, bring up things that’s she done for me to convince me I should do it for her, tells me how hard her day and life is and that I don’t care if shes had a hard day etc.



This could be for mundane tasks like if we sitting on the couch together and asks me to get her a water, where should could do it herself. She’ll ask but it’s like I have to say yes or I am such a bad person. If I bring this up that I don’t appreciate her talking like this or when she does it, my feelings are deflected and its my fault somehow. I am to sensitive, I am not caring enough, I am not thinking of her needs, I am not making her priority, or looking I did this last 10 times (even when it’s not true) it’s your turn etc.



I’d appreciate any input on these issues if there is something I am not seeing and/or any input on how I can clearly address these issues in counselling so we can gets past these problems.


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## Calistyle033

Further to this, we weren't able to go on dates nights before until he was about 8-9 months due to nursing and he wouldn't take the bottle and sleep issues with our son 

She had mentioned quality time was important so we made the effort to spend that time together after that..however, i had told her how the above things impact me about 6 months ago but nothing has changed and I have just sucked up the feelings with the above issues until now


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## BarbedFenceRider

Have Postpartum depression ever made it to discussion with the counselor? And before you guys had the baby, did you guys have the negative cycle as well?

What positive things do you find IN your marriage as of right now?


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## x598

you dont cut the F'ing tomatoes correctly? say who? her? LMAO

Sir....you correctly described her as a spoiled, catered after, completely entitled and self absorbed BRAT.

you doing her dance and trying to do all this "her way" and catering to her whims......is making this worse.

until you wife understands the world doesn't resolve around her.....your life will be nothing short of living hell ad this will only get worse as she concocts more and more things to be pissy about.

this isnt something you can fix. your wife needs a serious coming to Jesus moment in couseling to realize what a complete idiot she is.

my only hope for you is that she is young......and MAYBE and i mean MAYBE with counseling and some major growing up she will see how she is behaving. I doubt it though. the only way people that are ingrained with their thoughts come to any sort of self reflection is through the pain of loss....and even then.......some wont and will just going on to the next relationship with their baggage.

good luck, you will need it and i am sorry you are here. My advice......stop being a doormat today and be prepared for some serious drama.


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## Thor

Wow, 3rd time today I'm going to recommend the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. There are a number of verbal tactics for dealing with verbal abuse. I think you can really benefit from reading the book. You may also be a bit of a Nice Guy in the dysfunctional sense, in which case you should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. There are a lot of good resources out there if you need to learn to be more assertive, definitive, and masculine within the relationship.

Learn to laugh at her. When she says you're cutting the tomatoes wrong, just smile, wink, tell her she's cute when she's mad. Give her a hug. She needs to see you are a rock in the storm. The key is for you to be assertive and definitive but without being defensive or angry. Tell her as cheerfully as possible "I've got this, really. Don't worry about it". Expect her to react angrily the first few times you do this. Also expect her to test you. Look it up on the interwebs if you're not familiar with women testing men. 

Did she have these behaviors before the baby or even before the wedding? Do you know of any childhood traumas, perhaps sexual abuse? Your description does sound like she was brought up a princess, and she probably observed her mother behaving like this with her father. But just on the brief bit you've written it also could be consistent with emotional upset due to CSA or other trauma as a young child. When her baby was born it could bring all the psychological stuff back to the forefront. If that is the case, the problem won't be solved by you hugging her.


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## Bananapeel

I've seen your relationship type before. She doesn't respect you and is walking all over you. The thing is you have allowed this behavior to happen so you are equally at fault. If you want to be treated respectfully and like an equal you can't accept any less than that from her. You also need to learn to let her outbursts not bother you and she needs to see that her anger is having no affect on you.


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## x598

Bananapeel said:


> I've seen your relationship type before. She doesn't respect you and is walking all over you. The thing is you have allowed this behavior to happen so you are equally at fault. If you want to be treated respectfully and like an equal you can't accept any less than that from her. You also need to learn to let her outbursts not bother you and she needs to see that her anger is having no affect on you.


while i agree with your statement......sometimes when the "outbursts" do not get a response.......they will then ratchet up the behavior to new levels not previously seen. like a toddler who just learns to cry louder and louder when ignored until they are pacified.

OP you are in for a wild ride.


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## Idyit

Oh boy. Your situation is more pronounced but very much like mine. I would strongly suggest counseling and doing a whole lot of reading/working on you. Any course that your marriage takes will require a very different you.

You're struggling with not being able to do or be enough to satisfy her. It could be a fault in you or could be something is not adding up with her. When 2+2 is equaling 5 it's not that you don't know how to add, something is being left out.


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## Bananapeel

x598 said:


> while i agree with your statement......sometimes when the "outbursts" do not get a response.......they will then ratchet up the behavior to new levels not previously seen. like a toddler who just learns to cry louder and louder when ignored until they are pacified.
> 
> OP you are in for a wild ride.


Yes, but that is fixable, assuming he wants to fix it. I'm friends with a couple where the wife acts exactly like this. I got sick of it so when they wanted to visit me (they live out of state) I told her that she wasn't welcome unless she could behave like an adult and act respectfully to her husband because I didn't want my kids around that sort of behavior. Long story short...she complied and apparently I am the only person in her life that has the balls to stand up to her. Now when we see each other she's controlled but when I am not around she still treats her husband disrespectfully. People can control themselves when given sufficient motivation.


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## lovelygirl

You lack backbone. 

The problem is not what she says, but HOW she says it and HOW you REACT.

She lacks respect because you don't react properly. You don't stand up for your position and you immediately get defensive, as if you're trying to justify what you did, even when you didn't do anything wrong.

For example: if she "orders" you to bring her water, tell her to either ask it respectfully or go get it herself. You can't get up like a puppy and follow her orders. 

Keep in mind that us women do "sh*t tests", which means we try how much you men can handle, how far we can go with you...etc. 
If you had shown boundaries and personality since the beginning, she'd have no courage to behave like that now. You've let it go a bit too far and with lack of respect there comes lack sexual attraction. She doesn't consider you much of a man anymore, because you didn't know how to show strong personality against her verbal/psychological abuse.

I don't know if it was mentioned here before, but try to read "No more Mr.Nice Guy" (NMMNG) so that you can change your attitude around her.
She'll notice the changes in you and start to act differently. 

Take action before it's too late.


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## Calistyle033

Thank for the replies everyone ..this and put alot of insight for me that I ultimately need to step up for myself and for us 

I will definitely read the books mentioned here 

Thank you!


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