# Truth, Lies and the grey area.



## Northern (Jan 13, 2010)

I would like feedback on an fight my wife and I had yesterday. I think it representative of fights we have. I probably would not comment on it but my wife used my computer yesterday to email a friend about her "hate" for me as a result of this event and left the email up on my screen. She says I told her to shut up. I didn't say that. She told me to "sshh" because someone was close that she did not want to hear a conversation we were having in starbucks about ouf son and I reacted to being told to "shut up" - I think I growled. She walk out and flips me the bird. So, whose account is true? Nobody will ever know for sure but I assure you mine is!

Anway, she tells a common friend that I told her to shut up. She also commiserates with other moms at the school our son attends because apparently our incident was watched by a mother or two. Nice small world.

Here's my major issue. I get that we will remember events differently but followup should not be to slander the name of your spouse to a common Social group?


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Of course you shouldn't slander your spouse to common friends/acquaintances - but emotions get the best of some people. But most people don't believe 1 person's side of the story 100% either. I would speak to her about how it not only makes you look bad, but it makes her look bad for airing the family's dirty laundry. We all need to vent, just ask her to vent to her own family or close friends, and not to the other Moms at the PTA meetings.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Ouch, for sure. Airing your dirty laundry is definitely not a good plan, especially if the stories are different. And the fact that she talks about her "hate" for you is also extremely unhealthy. 

Have you asked your wife why she would slander you purposely? Is this a common thing for either of you to do?

Can you humble yourself to say that it doesn't matter what people think??? That response may shock your wife and stop her from bashing you (because maybe she does it to create a reaction, so don't give her one).


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## Northern (Jan 13, 2010)

I dont slander my wife. I sometimes feel like it but no, I dont act on it. Lol, I can say that is doesn't matter what people think (even tho it does to both of us i guess tho her more I think) but I suspect wouldn't help. Yes, hate. She reacts strongly with Anger to alot of stuff - background to this (health related...) but I wont get into it yet...we just started dating me and this site no?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But they will never forget how you made them feel.

Did you ever hear that quote? I think it fits in your situation. Maybe you didn't tell her to shut up, but that's how you made her feel so that's what she remembers.

I know it hurts you for her to recount the issue to her friend, but she felt trapped and wanted to talk about it. She couldn't discuss it with you, she wanted to discuss it with someone who "gets it" and who would sympathize. Don't begrudge her the right to vent to her friends her frustration. 

To lessen the event of this happening, you could have gone after her and implored her to talk to you while listened in silence nodding in agreement. She wasn't getting the feedback she needed from you so she went to someone else who she knew would understand.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Alexandra said:


> Ouch, for sure. Airing your dirty laundry is definitely not a good plan, especially if the stories are different. And the fact that she talks about her "hate" for you is also extremely unhealthy.
> 
> Have you asked your wife why she would slander you purposely? Is this a common thing for either of you to do?
> 
> Can you humble yourself to say that it doesn't matter what people think??? That response may shock your wife and stop her from bashing you (because maybe she does it to create a reaction, so don't give her one).


I disagree respectfully. I think it's healthy to vent to someone who is willing to listen and to whom you know will sympathize. What other recourse does she have? In that situation she could have either kept her feelings in or continued to try to feel understood by him. 

I guess she could have written her feelings down in a journal, but she needed to be heard by someone who would listen and offer the feedback she was looking for. I've been there.


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## Northern (Jan 13, 2010)

themrs said:


> To lessen the event of this happening, you could have gone after her and implored her to talk to you while listened in silence nodding in agreement. She wasn't getting the feedback she needed from you so she went to someone else who she knew would understand.


I get that is how she felt. I just think that this method builds divisions between spouses and their friends. All this inuendo and part truths is confusing.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

themrs said:


> I disagree respectfully. I think it's healthy to vent to someone who is willing to listen and to whom you know will sympathize.


While venting frustration is definitely healthy, I think there's a line between venting to a friend and disrespecting your spouse.

In the original post it sounds like this was more than just a venting to one close friend too. Sounds like it was to a bunch of other mothers at school too, although this could be misinterpreted.

Also, I think when venting, the person has to watch what they say too. 'Hate' is a pretty strong word, and if you start using it when referencing your spouse, you may start to believe it. 

I DO vent to my close friends occasionally, but I try to watch how I vent because while venting is healthy, disrespecting your spouse is never appropriate.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Dryden said:


> While venting frustration is definitely healthy, I think there's a line between venting to a friend and disrespecting your spouse.
> 
> In the original post it sounds like this was more than just a venting to one close friend too. Sounds like it was to a bunch of other mothers at school too, although this could be misinterpreted.
> 
> ...


We're not privy to the rest of the email. This is the only part that sticks out in the OPs mind. 

I have said and heard other wives say that they hate their husbands. It is a strong word, but I understand what they mean. They aren't going to leave the man, they just really hate him sometimes.

To me, venting is expressing frustration about a situation or event. Disrespecting my husband would be to attack his character or the person he is by sharing all of his shortcomings with my friends. I wouldn't do that, but I frequently blow off steam with my friends when I need sympathy and I have used the word hate a time or two so I can relate to the OPs wife.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Apparently you both feel disrespect as a result of these kinds of interactions. Might be a good idea for the both of you to be able to identify when you're going down that road ... and stop.

If each of you are having your boundaries crossed, or feelings hurt, and the other party doesn't, or refuses to recognize and acknowledge this, then it really doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. You both lose. Set boundaries with one another then be prepared to call her out when she is out of line, as well as take ownership when you are out of line.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If your wife is badmouthing you all the time - and you continue quietly about your business - it makes her look worse than you.


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## Northern (Jan 13, 2010)

She brought me home an apology coffee from Starbucks. Nice gesture and I am happy were are back on track. Course we still have issues. 

Venting is fine to a limited set of people - preferably people that know me well - because I know they will appropriately filter an otherwise agry emotional reaction. Beyond that I still feel its divisive and confusing for everyone. 

I am venting too i guess -with this thread. For me its good because you folks are "into" relationships and seem to provide good advice and there is a fair amount of impartiality -and that appeals to me. I try to be fair when talk about my relationship with my spouse othewise how can I expect answers that will help. 

I hope other people out there with current conflicts got the proverbial coffee of truce today ...or even something better.


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## rosehalligan (Sep 10, 2012)

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