# Not getting what I need after addressing issue



## open_hearted (Apr 13, 2013)

I'm new to the site, and I joined to ask advice from people outside of my situation. My husband and I have been together for four years, married for a year and a half, been friends since we were kids. He hasn't worked since we started dating. We married young, and are still young, but I feel like I've been waiting on him to grow up to start my life. I put grad school on hold, I've been working at least full time the whole marriage, and I've been growing and changing. I want children, and my husband wants to wait until we have a house and are stable to have kids, but he won't work to support the family to enable us to have things like a house. I pay for literally everything, and I've got to the point where I don't even ask for things anymore because I know he doesn't have the means to give them to me. He doesn't even take care of the house while I'm at work or attempt to better himself. 

Two weeks ago I wrote all this down in a letter, explaining that I'm not getting what I need and I need a strong man who would not put the stress of supporting the whole family on me and who would step up and take care of himself so I could take chances, like going back to grad school, and for us to still survive, and that if he couldn't be that man, I had to take care of myself and leave, because I couldn't be his mother instead of his wife. I told him that I don't want him to find work to make me happy, but that I wanted him to have ambition and consideration enough to take care of his family with hard work. 

He said he was sorry for stressing me out (although he also stated that the messy house was making him depressed, so I've been working on cleaning when I get home from work), and he looked for work the next day, but that was the only day he looked at all in two weeks. And a week ago, he got angry very quickly while discussing grad school options and before I knew it, he had shoved me and was fuming. I told him that he could never lay his hands on me in anger again, and I was dead serious, but he hasn't progressed any further since. I've tried to get him help for his anger but he won't put forth the effort, and he's still not showing any ambition to begin to take care of himself even though I made it clear that I wasn't going to neglect myself any further by taking care of him constantly at my emotional expense. 

I'm stuck wondering what to do. Does he need more time? Should I readdress the issue? Should I give him a deadline? I'm very frustrated right now because nothing's changed, but I don't want to make a hasty decision. Help?


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## open_hearted (Apr 13, 2013)

Anybody?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi open hearted, Your situation sounds very frustrating. It also sounds like something unlikely to change with patience, or deadlines.

Unfortunately, you married a little boy, not a man. If he isn't showing any sort of ambition now, there is nothing you can do to make him find ambition, or drive, or a sense of responsibility, or maturity, or the character traits one typically associates with a MAN.

How much do you want this marriage to work? Can you live the rest of your life being the bread winner?


If your answers are NOT SURE and PROBABLY NOT, then you need to end this marriage and search for a grown up man.The only glimmer of hope would be that ending the marriage, forcing him to move back home with his mommy, might be the catalyst for him to grow up... But it might not be.

If your answers are, VERY MUCH and YES I CAN, then you need to give him specific responsibilities and expectations for keeping the home clean all by himself. You are not both bread winner and maid. If he isn't bringing in a paycheck, his JOB is to keep the home in it's entirety!. That means shopping, meals, laundry and daily cleaning tasks. Even in a traditional marriage, when one spouse isn't working and the other spouse is, the non working spouse is responsible for running the home. This doesn't mean you never lift a finger, but it does mean your assistance in the home is minimal. You make plans to go to grad school with or without his help. Dont EVER allow any situation prevent you from attaining a degree, don't put it off because it will never get easy, or affordable. So do it now and get it done and out of the way.

Lastly.. But most important. Let your family and friend know he pushed you during a fight. If he ever puts his hand on you again, call the police and get him out of the house!

It sounds like he's got some issues, depression, anger, whatever, that are escalating. Being completely honest here, from what you describe, I think you should just end this extended FWB relationship and move on. The sooner you pursue YOUR life's ambitions the better your life will be.


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## open_hearted (Apr 13, 2013)

Thanks for your advice, Pink. Part of what I fell in love with in the first place was his goofiness, since I'm goofy and fun-loving myself, but I've grown to be goofy and still take care of business and I feel like he's stuck back where we started 4 years ago. He's in a band and is putting off talking about our future because he is committed to the band, it's just really frustrating. I'm also a very spiritual person and he's an atheist, so it's hard sometimes because he refuses to share in a huge part of my life. We share a sense of humor and get each others' jokes and play video games and have fun most of the time, but when he's angry, it's like he's possessed and becomes a totally different person, and I've been putting off taking care of myself for years. At the same time, I'm the kind of person that said I would NEVER get divorced, never give up on someone, and that's really bugging me right now, but I can't continue with things the way they are.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yeah well we all say we "will never" or we "will always" but life has a way of making us eat our words on a regular basis. How were you supposed to know this guy had no plans of growing up? How were you supposed to know his fun loving and goofiness would become a way of life? Everyone has to grow up at some point and your man refuses? Seems to me like you already have a son....


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

open_hearted said:


> Thanks for your advice, Pink. Part of what I fell in love with in the first place was his goofiness, since I'm goofy and fun-loving myself, but I've grown to be goofy and still take care of business and I feel like he's stuck back where we started 4 years ago. He's in a band and is putting off talking about our future because he is committed to the band, it's just really frustrating. I'm also a very spiritual person and he's an atheist, so it's hard sometimes because he refuses to share in a huge part of my life. We share a sense of humor and get each others' jokes and play video games and have fun most of the time, but when he's angry, it's like he's possessed and becomes a totally different person, and I've been putting off taking care of myself for years. At the same time, I'm the kind of person that said I would NEVER get divorced, never give up on someone, and that's really bugging me right now, but I can't continue with things the way they are.


Anon Pink gave you excellent advice. My question is because you husband has anger issues, if you decided to cut your losses, would he walk away peacefully? I feel many marital problems are workable. But I draw the line when it comes to physical violence. I don't believe in sticking around and waiting for the next shove. If he got away with it once, he will feel he can get away with it twice. 

Also lurking in the back of my mind is you paying him alimony for years to come. My friend is a Nurse Practioner, her husband a disbarred, unemployed attorney. She is trying to divorce him but he's fighting her for her money. So far, he has been awarded a large percentage of her retirement AND he wants alimony and his legal fees paid by her. During their marriage he was physically and emotionally abusive. So, as you advance in your career, it's something to think about.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

open_hearted said:


> I told him that I don't want him to find work to make me happy, but that I wanted him to have ambition and consideration enough to take care of his family with hard work.


You can't expect his ambition and consideration to change because you wrote him a letter. That's how he is. You can either accept it, or leave. He was like this when you met him and he'll always be like this. One thing you can do is stop enabling him.



open_hearted said:


> (although he also stated that the messy house was making him depressed, so I've been working on cleaning when I get home from work),


The messy house was stressing him out, so when you got home after work you cleaned it?

If the messy house is stressing him out, and he's home all day goofing off then let HIM clean it. On one hand you demand he changes and your other hand is picking up the mess that he isn't cleaning up even though he does nothing all day.

You're giving him mixed messages and not giving him any real reason to change. Words in a letter aren't enough.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I agree with him on the messy house! How could you? ( I am soo going to be banned again!) OK, all joking aside, the above was sarcasm!

OK, why did you marry this man? just asking. You know, you can change your mind. End the marriage. Go back to school, get your degree, find someone with a good job that loves and respects you.


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