# Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I've posted before that I sometimes feel that my H is a closed book. I know men in general don't talk about feelings and things. I get that. But this man is as closed off as they come. Part of it is likely me and I have been exploring my role in it for a couple of years now. 

The last two days have been very crazy for us. Yesterday our son very suddenly got sick and spiked a fever so high that we took him to the ER. He had other frightening symptoms too. We dropped him off at daycare in the morning totally fine and were told in a matter of mins he dropped to the floor incredibly ill. H and I were both at work when this happened...I work 1.5 hours away and he was in a meeting at a location that was 30 mins away at the time. I called him and told him of the emergency and he dropped everything and left to go to our son. I did the same and met them at the ER. While we were both driving there I was on the phone with him trying to come up with a plan...things like who has the insurance card, make sure you find out from daycare what meds he was given, etc. Logistics. He seemed very blah about the whole thing and while I didn't say anything about it at that time, it made me very upset. He didnt seem alarmed or scared or anything...he was actually giving me a tone of voice that lead me to believe he found my phone call annoying. So I quickly got off the phone. 

I was very shaken and upset and of course trying to keep my mind from going to worst case scenario. I let my tears out on the drive there and cleaned myself up so I wouldnt upset my son or scare him. When I actually saw him on the ER bed laying in the fetal position whimpering and shaking it took everything I had not to lose it. H was just there. No emotion. Nothing readable in his face. He sat in the corner and didn't say a word. 

It was a stressful day. Eventually via meds the ER was able to get his fever down to a more normal level and he regained some of his normal self....sat up and was talking and things. We still don't know what is wrong with him. They ruled out everything that would be serious and sent us home. We've had to keep him on steady meds ever since to keep his fever at bay including getting up several times at night to administer meds and take his temp. When I talked to H last night about breaking up the shifts to take care of him he again acted annoyed. Not at having to do the work but at me for bringing it up I guess? I was about ready to fall apart after the days events so I snuck away into another room and called my dad for support. After talking to my dad for 30 min I felt so much better, but it struck me that I could not have had that same convo with my H about how scared I had been and how worried I was. I just Instinctively knew not to even try to talk to him about it.

Today I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy scheduled and H was taking me. It took me a long time to get the appt so we didn't want to cancel it even tho our son is sick...luckily MIL came to take care of him. I have been sick for years and this procedure was next in line to try to get me a diagnosis so I can try to get better. I have been scared for about a month for this procedure....not about the procedure itself but more scared of what they might find. Colon cancer and all kinds of other awful diseases run strong in my family and my symptoms were similar. I told my H in passing a couple of times I was worried and each time he said "You'll be fine" and deliberately ended the convo so I stopped talking about it and just kept my worries to myself. 

Today H was there when the doc gave me my results and for the most part they were fine. Nothing seriously wrong, which is good news. 

We get in the car to leave and I mention to H how relieved I am that my scopes came back clear. He says - for the first time ever - me too, I was so worried about you, I am so glad you are ok, I dont know what I would do if anything ever happened to you. 

I was sooo happy to hear those words from his mouth. All of this time I really thought his silence meant he didn't care. 

I told him how scared I was yesterday when we were racing to get our son to the ER. He finally admitted how scared he was too and told me he cried on the way to pick him up because his mind was racing just like mine. 

Well, geez. Why didnt you just say something to me?! I understand not wanting to lose it in front of our son and when the moment isn't right but it would have been nice once we got home and everything was quiet just to hear him say those words. I really had the impression from his actions and lack of reaction that he thought I was overreacting by taking him to the ER and was annoyed to be there and didn't care. 

He was a bit shocked to hear that I interpreted his actions that way. He had no idea he comes off that way. 

This is a pretty typical dynamic for us. Except today was a very rare case where he shared something about his own fears and worries with me. I am overjoyed that he did. But why won't he do it more often? What goes thru a man's mind that makes them so closed off?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm not a male but my observation is that males try to be strong and not show vulnerability -- especially in times of crisis. I'm like that as well so when I have had potential medical issues to deal with I didn't even mention my concerns to my then-husband until I was sure it was not serious. Same for when our son had potential medical issues. I would discuss it after it was over but not admit any fear while it was going on. No discussion of feelings until the danger is past.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

I think he has an inability to reconcile his fears and his need to protect you emotionally. Your son being sick has to be scary to him but at the same time I am sure he feels obligated to be strong for you. It can be hard to offer calming words (which I think he feels is his job) while he is scared himself. So he may just shut down. Just my thoughts as I have been there myself.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Two freaked out people does not a good situation make.

He analyzed in his mind you would be OK, but understood that there was a very small chance what you had was terminal and he may lose you... so he expressed relief it wasn't after the facts came in and his initial assessment was correct.

Men are analytic.

They/we hide their/our emotions for your* own benefit*.


I will give you a for instance...my son swallowed top of a coke can.... my wife totally freaked out wanting to go immediately to ER, I remained calm asked a few questions of my son (what did he swallow, examined the can for sharp edges) and sat and researched it. I was certain a tip to ER would be unnecessary and traumatic and frankly a waste of time.

I was right...I handled the "emergency" like a man. And explained in detail what would occur to both my wife and my son and what my research found.

Was I concerned...slightly. But did not show it. I researched instead and calmed everyone down.
It passed all is well.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP, I can't talk for your husband but I know I have an ingrained need to keep a strong stable front even when inside my emotions are in turmoil.

So many of the roles I play in life (husband, father, big brother, boss) require me to help and support others that I find it hard to except help from others. I am lucky as I have a great relationship with my own father (now in his late 70's) and he is the only family member that I can truly open up to.

When it comes to our kids being ill I think all caring parents have their emotions put through the ringer (our eldest son has a chromosomal abnormality maternal upd 14 so we have spent more than our share of days / nights at various hospitals) but I always seem to be the one expected to stay calm, ask the right questions of the doctors, explore the treatment options, liaise with the schools etc. My wife is great at the caring / nurturing / supporting him but she gets too emotional to deal rationally with authority figures.

BTW I thank god that I do not have to worry (thanks to the NHS) about where the insurance card is / will it cover the treatment, that must be a whole extra level of stress that you don't need when a loved one is ill / sick.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

A lot of sensible things said already. I do not mean this unkindly but I also guess that your husband is American. I think that all the things that can be said about us men needing to appear strong, unemotional etc. maybe apply with particular force to many American men - the cult of the lone cowboy riding off into the sunset on his own, John Wayne - a man's got to do what a man's got to do etc. - I think have all had an effect on the culture.

I say this having visited the US often and loving it as a country - my best friend is a US citizen- so please, American readers, do not take this as being meant unkindly. You are, by and large, wonderful people.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband would act in a similar way, although perhaps not to the same extent. He would hug me, for example, but he wouldn't talk.

I made the mistake for years of thinking if he didn't say anything he didn't feel anything. I was totally wrong.

Now I just know it's there, and don't question. I trust.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

He is being strong for you. In his mind, talking about fear will make you worse, because it will add to your fear. So he is being strong and taking care of things.

I used to be the same way and still am to an extent. Where I have gotten better is acknowledging her fear and admitting at least a small part of mine. I then move forward as I always have. Those two things seem to be what my wife needs.

Are there a couple of small things like this that would help you? Could your husband take these steps?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The brains of men and women just evolved differently because we had traditionally different roles from the dawn of time until maybe the 1980s. We are only slightly evolved cave dwellers. Men were generally hunters and warriors, tasks that required 100% focus on the business at hand. Women were gatherers and managed the daily business of tribe and family. They had to think about a dozen things at once and their brains adapted to get really good at it. 
While driving, your husband was in driving mode. He knew your son was ill, he cared your son was ill, but getting emotional about it while he was driving would have been counter-productive and probably dangerous and getting emotional couldn't help your son. Not only is his male brain wired for focus, he likely feels his job is to take care of you as well as his son and his giving the appearance of calm and control allowed you the freedom to be emotional. Regarding your fear of colon cancer, at that moment, the problem wasn't cancer because none had been detected. The problem was your fear and he performed his manly business by reassuring you. If you are diagnosed with cancer, he will handle that. A small stream can make a lot of noise but that doesn't mean a lake has less water or less power. As a cop, I go to emergency calls a few times every day. When I arrive, I might find mutilated bodies, people shooting at me, hysterical people missing limbs, Big Foot, or space aliens. Whatever is there, I'll have to deal with and I can't get visibly emotional about it. I supervise other cops. If they see me freak out, they are going to freak out. All the bystanders are going to freak out. I can process things emotionally in private when I have the time or I can find a bottle and/or a shrink after I retire.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Being strong does not mean showing no emotional affect or seeming annoyed. He could have said "I know this is frightening but let's stick together and get through this. Let's stay positive and be there for each other." 

At least he did finally open up but maybe you can tell him that when he is afraid he doesn't need to completely disengage from you or come off as annoyed.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ugh I am so annoyed. I mentioned to him tonight when we were having what I thought was a nice moment how much I appreciated hearing him tell me his thoughts after my scopes yesterday. I just wanted to drive home to him how much his talking makes me happy and that I feel better when he lets me know he cares. 

He said "Well now that we know that there's nothing seriously wrong with you, there's no need for me to give you any special treatment so things can go back to normal now." I said...back to normal, what do you mean?...he says "I'm not worried about you now so we can just drop it and go back to acting normal now."

Blah. He doesnt get it. I stopped trying. 

I understand wanting to be strong and blah blah blah...nothing wrong with that. But its not right to block me out totally and leave me in the dust to deal with everything by myself. I am not an overly emotional person, believe it or not, even though I feel things very deeply I rarely let people see that side of me. My H makes it feel like its unsafe to open up to him so most times I stopped doing it. 

For example I am not an emotional heap in a crisis. When we were in the ER with our son he sat in the corner disengaged and I was the one calmly talking to the doctors, dealing with the insurance, keeping things light and cheerful for our son, explaining to our son what his treatment was so he would cooperate (he's 5). My H didn't do any of that. It was like having a statue in the room. 

If he's not going to step in and help with the logistics or practical things AND he's also not willing to engage in any of the emotional side of being supportive, the only conclusion I can come to is that he doesn't give a sh!t about what is going on.

Yet when I tell him that, he is baffled that I would think he doesn't care. He cannot make the connection between how he behaves and how it is interpreted by other people.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Ugh I am so annoyed. I mentioned to him tonight when we were having what I thought was a nice moment how much I appreciated hearing him tell me his thoughts after my scopes yesterday. I just wanted to drive home to him how much his talking makes me happy and that I feel better when he lets me know he cares.
> 
> He said "Well now that we know that there's nothing seriously wrong with you, there's no need for me to give you any special treatment so things can go back to normal now." I said...back to normal, what do you mean?...he says "I'm not worried about you now so we can just drop it and go back to acting normal now."
> 
> ...


Ok I'll ask you..how does he think your sex life is?


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

kag123 said:


> He seemed very blah about the whole thing and while I didn't say anything about it at that time, it made me very upset. He didnt seem alarmed or scared or anything...he was actually giving me a tone of voice that lead me to believe he found my phone call annoying. So I quickly got off the phone.


Well, someone has to keep their head about them. 

I'd think you'd be grateful he kept his cool in a dire emergency. Instead, you're upset that he wasn't a basket case. I don't get that at all. SOMEONE has to keep their head together and stay calm and apparently it's going to be him, so be grateful.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

As a man, I instinctively feel the need to be stable and steady in very difficult situations. My wife's emotions get the best of her in most tough situations. She then turns to me to make the difficult decisions. My "man" brain is wired to solve problems...so I take in all of the information and try my best to make the best decision. 

I have always been conscious of showing too much emotion or fear in front of my wife, because when I do, it will only makes my wife worry MORE. For me, I think it is an instinct to protect my wife from fear and worry....so I keep my emotions to myself and deal with the problem solving first. It doesn't mean I don't have the emotions...it just means that I suppress them as I handle the situation and keep things calm. Does that make sense? I think your husband is doing the same thing.

When I was going thru pilot training...my flight instructor would put the plane in very difficult situations, and I had to react quickly and make decisions to recover the plane...based on the situation, NOT on my emotions or what I was feeling. I couldn't freak out or get emotional....I had to solve the problem and make tough decisions quickly.

Another example....After my pregnant wife had gone thru 14 hours of tough, emotional labor at the hospital...the umbilical cord then wrapped around my unborn son's neck for a short time. We found ourselves in a very difficult and emotional situation. My wife was extremely emotional, crying, and hysterical with fear...the doctor then looked directly at me for my decision as to how to proceed. I had to solve the problem quickly and we did an emergency C-section right then. I smiled at my wife and held her hand as our son was delivered by C-section 8 minutes later. Everything turned out great, but I had to remain calm and make the decision. I blocked out all of my raw emotions and made the right decision. I had to suppress my own emotions to HELP MY WIFE calm down during this time. 

In tough times, men do tend to block out emotions to make the right decision...and to protect the people we love. Does that make sense?

Bottom line, I would give your husband the benefit of the doubt in this situation. It is good that he revealed his emotions and concerns for you.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

To be honest it doesn't sound especially like he was trying to be strong for you. It sounds like he freezes during stressful situations and can't function. It sounds like any situation that might call for emotion makes him panic and shut down.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I am not an overly emotional person, believe it or not, even though I feel things very deeply I rarely let people see that side of me. My H makes it feel like its unsafe to open up to him so most times I stopped doing it.


Any possibility that you husband could mirror these words back?

Because your description of yourself sound more than a little like how you describe him.

I agree with Lyris that it sounds like he does shut down a bit. He cares but does not know how to show it.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I have an older brother who cares a lot and is uncomfortable showing it to others. He is an engineer and extremely smart, but lacks some social skills. Could that be the case here?


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## KalmAndKollected (Sep 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> He said "Well now that we know that there's nothing seriously wrong with you, there's no need for me to give you any special treatment so things can go back to normal now." I said...back to normal, what do you mean?...he says "I'm not worried about you now so we can just drop it and go back to acting normal now."
> 
> Blah. He doesnt get it. I stopped trying.


This.
This is so annoying.

This is YOUR problem. Now that there isn't any worry, why hash out the emotional garbage? You don't get special treatment, because it's not serious.

My wife does this crap. I do care, but when something is done, it's done. No need to waste hours of time with it any more than need be.

Waste of time.

You could be doing something productive with the relationship. And is that connecting? Yes. But not for hours on end. Just let it go, catch a movie, and screw each other, and BE HAPPY.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok I'll ask you..how does he think your sex life is?


Any question posed to me, asking me "how does HE think..." is nearly impossible for me to answer because I never know what he thinks, about anything. He doesnt tell me and when I try to ask a question like this he avoids answering or says "I dont know".

So here's what I can tell you without having to make assumptions:

We are about once a week, or whenever I initiate it. Because he doesn't and won't. He's a willing participant when I go to him but will wait forever without pursuing me. So it all hinges on me making the moves. I suffer with some health problems and take anxiety meds that dampen my drive. I could easily go only once a month or even less these days just based on my own drive, but I try to keep it at once a week bc I feel like its better for us that way. He could probably go more often than that and I'm assuming he's taking care of himself in between while waiting for me but I have no proof and don't get an answer when I try to talk to him about our sex life so I stopped trying.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



oldgeezer said:


> Well, someone has to keep their head about them.
> 
> I'd think you'd be grateful he kept his cool in a dire emergency. Instead, you're upset that he wasn't a basket case. I don't get that at all. SOMEONE has to keep their head together and stay calm and apparently it's going to be him, so be grateful.


I find this a bit offensive but I understand what you are trying to say. It only offends me because I am very good in bad situations and can react swiftly and decisively without emotion. I don't panic and I don't need a knight in shining armor to take care of me. But it would be nice to have a partner who didn't just sit there and do nothing.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



I Notice The Details said:


> As a man, I instinctively feel the need to be stable and steady in very difficult situations. My wife's emotions get the best of her in most tough situations. She then turns to me to make the difficult decisions. My "man" brain is wired to solve problems...so I take in all of the information and try my best to make the best decision.
> 
> I have always been conscious of showing too much emotion or fear in front of my wife, because when I do, it will only makes my wife worry MORE. For me, I think it is an instinct to protect my wife from fear and worry....so I keep my emotions to myself and deal with the problem solving first. It doesn't mean I don't have the emotions...it just means that I suppress them as I handle the situation and keep things calm. Does that make sense? I think your husband is doing the same thing.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying. Thanks. 

I went through a similar crazy labor experience with our 2nd baby...I went from normal contractions to omg-the-baby is coming out right now in a matter of minutes on our drive to the hospital. I was scared that I was going to have to deliver our daughter by myself into my own hands because H was driving and we couldn't get there fast enough. When we got to the hospital, H was holding my hand but left me to scream at the doctors and tell them what was happening and it took a triage nurse to look me in the face and tell me what I needed to do to immediately calm me. If H had looked at me at any point in time and said "I will help you even if we deliver this baby right here in this car" I would have been a lot less terrified. My fear was from feeling alone and unprepared to deliver a baby on my own. She was born less than 5 mins from the time we entered the hospital. 

Does this help illustrate what I am frustrated about? There's normal man behavior and then there's him...he's a little further on the spectrum than any other man I've ever met.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



Tall Average Guy said:


> Any possibility that you husband could mirror these words back?
> 
> Because your description of yourself sound more than a little like how you describe him.
> 
> I agree with Lyris that it sounds like he does shut down a bit. He cares but does not know how to show it.


I think that in the beginning of our relationship he found me easy to handle because I am very far from a typical girl in that I am less emotional and very practical and decisive. I never forced him out of his comfort zone. 

Now we've been married for almost 6 years and together for almost 10 and I'd like to feel that I can be vulnerable in front of my H. If not him, then who? Will I go my entire adult life never knowing what it is like to have a fully invested relationship with someone? The more I put my toes in that water...the further he shrinks away. It's apparent to me he has no interest.

Funny thing is that when I tell him that it feels like he doesn't care or is oblivious he is offended. He does not understand how I could possibly think that.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



I Notice The Details said:


> I have an older brother who cares a lot and is uncomfortable showing it to others. He is an engineer and extremely smart, but lacks some social skills. Could that be the case here?


He is an engineer type, but he's very sociable. More so than me actually. I am not good with crowds and meeting new people and small talk....I hate that stuff. He's always got a good story to tell and knows how to make people laugh and fits right in wherever he goes. He's an introvert too so both of us find too much social activities to be draining but he's definitely not awkward by any stretch.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I KNEW you were going to say he is an engineer.....I have heard the same complaints about lack of communication from an engineer at least 6 times. There must be something to this personality type. Just saying....

My brother's first marriage failed for this exact reason....


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



KalmAndKollected said:


> This.
> This is so annoying.
> 
> This is YOUR problem. Now that there isn't any worry, why hash out the emotional garbage? You don't get special treatment, because it's not serious.
> ...


I agree that this is my problem, because I am the only one in the marraige that pines for a deeper connection with my spouse. He clearly doesnt. 

So where does that leave me? I only see three real solutions:

1) Let it go, as you say. (I have tried this many times over the last few years without success. This is important to me and I feel the void in my marraige. I feel unloved on a consistent basis. I think each person deserves to feel that they are loved by their spouse considering the commitment they have made to them.)

2) Attempt to fix it (which would mean he has to understand what I want, agree that he's willing to try something different and change his behavior....which is a lot to ask.)

3) Decide whether this issue is divorce worthy.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



I Notice The Details said:


> I KNEW you were going to say he is an engineer.....I have heard the same complaints about lack of communication from an engineer at least 6 times. There must be something to this personality type. Just saying....


He's actually an Architect, but same difference. I am an engineer.  We have similar personality traits except that I am a leader and he is a follower.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

How many times has your child been to the Dr. since birth?

How many times in the past 5 years have you seen a Dr. about your own illnesses?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Words lose their meaning when said too often. Most mean believe this.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I was married to a woman who had a hysterical personality, everything was always blown way way way out of proportion. You could yak yak yak a subject to death and the next day she was back to why??? how??? when???. And during an emergency? She was always more of a distraction than a help.

OP maybe you are not that bad, but just reading your post and seeing how you react and what your expectations are gives me flash backs.

My guess is your husband has learned to temper his responses as a way of avoiding or encouraging your over the top reactions or even conversations. Your husband only has so much energy to give, he has learned that no matter what he does it's never enough and it's exhausting for him. I bet many times his afraid to say anything because it turns into such a big deal.

How about next time he says something like he was worried or he's happy just say thank you and let it go, don't talk it to death.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Can you please explain how a man's brain works for me?*



Cooper said:


> I was married to a woman who had a hysterical personality, everything was always blown way way way out of proportion. You could yak yak yak a subject to death and the next day she was back to why??? how??? when???. And during an emergency? She was always more of a distraction than a help.
> 
> OP maybe you are not that bad, but just reading your post and seeing how you react and what your expectations are gives me flash backs.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I will work on keeping things to myself more often.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I've found out the hard way NOT to share what is on my mind. My wife used to ask me to be more open, so I shared my fears on job stress, what I felt on different topics, etc. Nothing earth shattering, just everyday stuff. The frequency of sex dropped way off after that. It seems to me, it diminished my sexual attraction to her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When a woman finds out she's pregnant, she is a mother at that moment and for good reason. She has a baby growing inside her so she has to start taking care of herself from the get go. She gets to feel that life in her when he/she kicks and moves. She has a 9 month head start on a guy. 

Now a guy can't experience that for good reason and so we have to wait for the birth to see what she was experiencing for those 9 months and then "the Dad and Defender" comes out so we have to not show weakness and one weakness is getting emotional. 

For a long time growing up I wasn't real close to my dad. I worked for him in the summer and Saturdays and he was hard on me and for good reason which I didn't realize until later but there came the day when the US Army came calling in 1966 and he was calm through it while my mother did what moms do and that is worry, but when I came home for ten days of leave before I went to Vietnam, I saw a change in my dad and the look was worry.

The day I left he stayed calm for me and my mother but my mother told me when they got home he lost it and the roles were reversed. She allowed him to get it out and a year later when I came home, he was at the airport waiting and when he saw me, I got a hug that almost broke my back and it was the first time I ever saw that other side and honestly it made me feel good that he showed his love for his son and from that day on we became thick as thieves. Sorry for the ramble.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> Words lose their meaning when said too often. Most mean believe this.


I've always felt this way, too. Growing up, my family was not real expressive. More matter-of-fact. My wife's family IS very expressive, and into each other's lives. "l love you"'s are dropped at every occasion. 

To me, that's a more private response.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I think that in the beginning of our relationship he found me easy to handle because I am very far from a typical girl in that I am less emotional and very practical and decisive. I never forced him out of his comfort zone.


Understood. My question is whether it is possible that his attempts in the beginning were met with words/actions that made him feel he could not share more? Not intentionally, but nevertheless what he received?



> Now we've been married for almost 6 years and together for almost 10 and I'd like to feel that I can be vulnerable in front of my H. If not him, then who? Will I go my entire adult life never knowing what it is like to have a fully invested relationship with someone? The more I put my toes in that water...the further he shrinks away. It's apparent to me he has no interest.
> 
> Funny thing is that when I tell him that it feels like he doesn't care or is oblivious he is offended. He does not understand how I could possibly think that.


Because you changed? Put yourself in his shoes. You dated and married him knowing he was like this. You yourself were the same way. You seemed happy and he was too. This was the way you too both wanted it. Now, you don't want it that way and use his the very behavior that was just fine in past as proof that he does not care. To him, it looks like you are rewriting your history together.

None of this is to say that what you want is wrong or that changing is a bad thing. But acknowledge that to yourself and most importantly to him. Let him know that you are not blaming him for what you two did in the past, but be clear that you want more from him and explain why. Think of things to start the ball rolling. For example, if during the episode with your son, if he had just said "I know it is scary. I am scared to, but I believe everything will work out" - would that have been enough?

Also, if you can get him to open up, you have to make it safe for him. If he shares some feelings and you get mad about it in the beginning of this change, he may never do it again.


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