# Bumping Back at a Bipolar Wife?



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I was trying to wait to ask this in this way, but everyone seems to have jumped on it in my other thread.

My wife was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I after she had her first serious manic episode with pretty severe psychosis & delusional paranoia. She just got stable on her meds.

Anyway, she has pretty much taken over the house in recent years as I've allowed myself to be Betaized. I feel like I have to get a handle on this now rather than later. She is disrespectful, does not give affection and pretty much a ***** a lot of the time. She is testing me like crazy right now, and this is the time to draw some lines in the sand.

So there are two conflicting things. 1) I have to start bumping back, but 2) I don't want to stress her too much due to her recent episode. Any thoughts?

And for anyone who says to leave her, even if I did want to I wouldn't do it now while she's in early stages of recovering from this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm bipolar but I don't have a "severe" case as I have never been hospitalized or had a break like you described, but it has derailed my life- so to add my 2 cents to your situation

1) it's a recent diagnosis, it takes many years to come to terms with the disorder (and some won't ever come to terms, quite frankly) and she is likely in a denial phase right now. Mania feels good after all, and she may even fear that she will lose her "personality" or creativity or ability to process quickly, etc by using drugs. Hopefully she can learn that the right combo of meds will actually help her function enough to utilize those manic traits to her advantage instead of having it control her or have her go off the rails again.


2) Being bipolar doesn't mean you have lost the ability of knowing the difference between right and wrong. She has to learn to accept consequences and be responsible for her actions despite them being while she either manic or depressed. Thus you can't "let her off the hook". If you shield her from what she has done then she will merely blame her brain chemistry/disorder and never try to atone or do what's needed in regards to her actions.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you're in therapy, as I think you said you were in your other thread, has the counselor given you any suggestions on things to do or try?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

trey69 said:


> If you're in therapy, as I think you said you were in your other thread, has the counselor given you any suggestions on things to do or try?


I've actually been discussing it with her therapist, so yes I'm getting some "professional" help. But was hoping for some advice from people with bipolar spouses or people who have bipolar disorder themselves too.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I wouldn't think of it as bumping back. You need to become an expert on boundaries (if you aren't already), and then you need to lay them down. 

Her disorder does not give her a green light to be disrespectful to you, you aren't her doormat, and you don't have walk on eggshells for the rest of your life.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Almostrecovered: DING! You nailed this exactly.

1) This is exactly where she is right now.

2) I think I have to give her a pass on this first episode. No one saw it coming. She was completely unprepared, as was I. AND she had severe psychosis with delusions, which DOES impair your ability to determine right/wrong.

BUT, now she's been warned. Even in denial, if she chooses to stop treatment and this behavior repeats, she made a conscious decision and gets no pass. 

On the other hand, she is just barely stable right now so I don't want to go out of my way to trigger another episode. I love her and want to help her get better so we can deal with things the right way.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Some good reads for yourself as well that might be helpful too are:

"Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder" by: Julia A. Fast 

"The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide, What you and your family need to know" by: David Miklowitz

"An Unquiet Mind, A Memoir of Moods and Madness. by: Kay Jamison.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> 2) *Being bipolar doesn't mean you have lost the ability of knowing the difference between right and wrong. * She has to learn to accept consequences and be responsible for her actions despite them being while she either manic or depressed. Thus you can't "let her off the hook". If you shield her from what she has done then she will merely blame her brain chemistry/disorder and never try to atone or do what's needed in regards to her actions.


 Best advise ever. Do not ever let the disorder be an "excuse" for any thing.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

First off, I have to second Trey's recommendation for the books above, particularly Mik's book, "Surviving Bipolar Disorder". He recently updated it and it's one of the best out there in terms of a very practical guide to day-to-day living with this disorder.

My second point echoes the other posters as well. Her disorder doesn't give her a pass for railroading. I understand that you're sympathetic to her recent episode, but I want to emphasize not only that she HAS to be accountable for her behavior from the get-go, but also to make it clear to you that YOU can't MAKE her cycle again. It's biological. Stress can make a cycle (up or down) worse, but the episodes themselves are triggered chemically. You being "nice", "alpha", "beta" or purple polka-dotted isn't going to do the trick.

Just to give you an example. I have bipolar disorder. I also am the administrator for a small health services research group. I oversee operations for a group of about 30 people with an annual budget around $5 million plus. Stress is part of waking up every morning. There's no way around it. Add in my divorce, helping my parents who live an hour and a half away while my stepdad goes through cancer treatments and trying to maintain some semblance of my own friendships and life and I'm up to my eyeballs most of the time right now.

So far my stomach has been more affected than my brain. I'm taking precautions, upped my check-ins with my clinical guy and have let my close friends and family know what's going on so that if my behavior were to change, we could catch it early. However, other than mild sleep disturbances, my life just goes on and I deal with each day as it comes. The stress I'm under right now hasn't triggered an episode at either end of the spectrum. In particular, since I tend to cycle up, I haven't experienced hypomania or full mania. 

Being upset, mad, sad, stressed, or whatever doesn't make a manic or depressed cycle happen. You have to act in the best interest of your overall relationship. And I would seriously start setting boundaries now. You're going to have to be very strong and enforce some pretty stringent boundaries for yourself and your family from here on out.....even if it upsets her. However, if you don't get used to doing that now, you'll be conceivably putting your finances, your marriage and your own mental health at risk.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Thanks for chiming in COGypsy. I want to be clear. I'm NOT going to let her make me her doormat. I have done that too long and not interested in that. What I am concerned with, and have spoken with MH professionals about, is that she has only just barely become stable. And, yes, stress is a "trigger" (according to every MH professional I've talked to) for episodes (not a cause of BP). And while I fully understand the necessity of boundaries and am setting them every day now, I also want to do that in a way that creates as little stress this early in her recovery as possible. Honestly, I've probably already set more boundaries on her behavior in the last week than I have in 16 years of marriage.


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