# How do I handle it?...need help



## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Hello,
I am new to this forum idea but I am having great difficulty in accepting my situation.
I have been married 28 years. It has been a good marriage with its rocky times. 8 weeks ago my husband rang me while I was on holiday with my daughter, to tell me the marriage was over and he was having an affair. 
There have never been any affairs in our marriage. He is an honest man and wanted to tell me straight away.
He says he has been feeling that something was missing but he didnt know what. He admits to looking at other women and wondering what it would be like to be with them.
The other woman is 22 years younger than my 52 year old husband and has been in lesbian relationships for 10 years.
He went to live with her for 2 weeks before she decided that she wasnt sure about it all. I allowed him to come home for 2 weeks. We were close during that time. 
Then he left again because she said she wanted him back, but she dumped him again the same day. I let him come home again and we were very close for the next 2 weeks. 
She started texting him and encouraging him to leave me - so I asked him to leave because I could not have a relationship with him when his heart lay with someone else.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 
To watch him pack his clothes and leave was devastating.
That was 3 weeks ago and he is living in the next town and is still in touch with the other woman, although there is not a sexual relationship again yet.
He says he is enjoying being independant and single and if it doesn't work with her, there are plenty more women.
He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore and is searching for something but he can't say what. 
I've asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he is not going to come home. All he says is that this is how he feels for now and doesnt know how he will feel in 6 months time.
Today he told me that the affair was so easy to have and that I should consider myself available and single.
I am shocked, hurt, angry and just don't know where to turn or what to do...... I need help please!


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

I don't know what to say to you, but send a big hug! We are all hurting in some way, and here for eachother. I am fairly new, and just knowing I have this forum to come to, is a nice relief. If you want to talk,cry, or complain, feel free to PM me, I am a good listener. Hugs!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

My soul cries with you. I may not have the best solution for you but I will be praying for you. Praying has help me a lot! Sending you hugs.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Thankyou so much - it's nice to know there is support out there.
28 years of marriage is such a big part of my life - I just don't know where to turn now.
My husband says he wants to be good friends but I find it difficult to go from 'wife and lover' to 'friend' in the space of a few weeks.
He can't understand this and tells me I'm being cruel to him for wanting marriage or nothing.
I am having counselling over all this but he is not interested in counselling to rebuild our marriage.
He is also blaming me for asking him to leave while he was still having an affair. He says I forced him to leave our home. I feel he forced himself into the situation but was to weak to make the decision to leave himself. He was using our home and me as a convenient thing.
Sorry to rant... need to get it off my chest......the hurting is really bad......when will I even begin to accept it all??


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I have been thinking about all the stories I have read since I have been a member and I always seem to find myself that the attacker is always missing something. I am not saying all great marriages have everything right. But that those that go wrong have lost something or never had it to begin with.

I am a very faith based person and I see a lot of people give into how you say their "worldy desires". They know it isn't good but they do it.Most of the time that person regrets their decisions later on. I hate to think or feel that my marriage or yours was lost by such foolishness which it is. Though it is so easy for any of us to get caught up in quick 1 minute desires.

My wife walked out on me and I still am not 100% sure why because she left many questions unanswered. But since we have been seperated (now 2 months) I have learned a lot more about her past then she told. I have realized that she has some deep rooted things that effect her. I would be such a bastard to hold her actions fully against her for how she is programmed/wired because she is hurt and has never gotten help for it. 

It sounds like your husband has a lot of inner turmoil in his soul. I would say pray. Pray for clarity and blessings upon him and yourself. This is a start.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks .. you sound very understanding of your own situation. I'm very sorry to hear about it.
I think there is alot of inner turmoil within my husband and it's very very hard when he sounds so rational and acts as though he's fine and everything is quite normal.
I'm not religious but am trying to stay positive.
Its really a nightmare....down days and more down days with the occasional good one!
It is difficult to give up the hope that one day they may come home!
I have good neighbours and a few good close friends which helps alot.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I learn more about my own situation every day. At times I want to be a bastard and harden my own heart and just get this all over with. But I know if I do that now and here I will carry this baggage on with me. I don't need to carry this on to where ever I go.

I must admit good neighbors , friends , and family are a huge help. Mind you I wouldn't necessarily take their advice on everything let alone things dealing with your marriage. I see them as good nature people but doesn't mean they have the right answer. I see your not religious but just try praying. Pray for good things like peace, understanding , and even try asking for patience. Everything happens for a reason in time and we never know why till it has happened.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't dismiss prayer or introspection, but I would recommend something that you can do as a stop-gap against the waves of pain.

Change your focus. Stick with shock and anger, and focus it where it belongs - on your husband and his betrayal of a 28 year marriage. Cut him no slack. Establish firm boundaries. You can find numerous examples here of people that get caught in the fog of an affair. They dismiss and minimize the relevence of their marriage. They say things to hurt you and justify their behavior. What I'm suggesting is that you tolerate none of these things. Be angry at him - for your own self preservation.
Don't pursue him, it will hurt more. And in no uncertain terms make it clear that his choice and behavior reflects an unforgivable betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mva (Mar 26, 2010)

Since he has decided to move then it better to leave for some time, otherwsie he will feel that, you cannot stand alone. Handle this situation by claming your mind first, then see if your childerns are safe after that think about yourself, if you have good friends discuss with then not in length and understand your own feeling whether you can manage daily chores, sex etc yourself. Its time to show him that you are able to go ahead if both of you were had good sexual relationship, he may come back to you after a small sting with that lady after all if she is lesbian then it will be difficult for him to adjust with her, but wheneve he returns you should be active and impress him the way you moved on or you will also try for someone to make your life happy.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Thankyou for your thoughts - they help heaps!
I am angry at the betrayal and I am angry that he continues to want to be friends. It's so hard to do that. 
I realise that I must be civil to him otherwise any chance of him coming back in the future will be non existent but it is hard to talk to him as though everything is fine.. cos it's not.... it's hell on earth!
I am at the piont where I know I must detach a bit though.
He sends me texts everyday asking how I am and what I am doing.
Is this guilt?...trying to let me down gently?... genuine concern? I don't know.
He is still saying that he needs to spread his wings..I think this really means try being with other women.
Sometimes he tells me this is a permanent thing and other times he says it could be for a few months or forever... he just doesn't know.
He continually wants to come home and do jobs for me like mowing lawns etc... but I say no, I am coping and it is better for him not to have a comfort zone to run to if he feels bored or lonely.
Am I doing the right thing?
What will give me the best chances in the future???


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

It's been one month today since my husband of 28 years moved out.
Today he informed me that he was moving into a flat at my nieces home.
I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea to move in with members of my own family and that he should be more considerate of my feelings about it.
I was told that I was being selfish and had a bad attitude. I should be grateful that they are supporting him and not being judgemental.
He said that I wasn't being considerate about his circumstances and that this was the very behaviour that he did not like when we were married.
He says he doesn't want this marriage anymore and we should just be friends. Then he had to run off to a lunch date with his other woman.
Am I being selfish?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Discarded,

I watch this every day to kind of laugh at myself and find the humor in our situation (at laugh at the melodrama of the old Star Treks):

YouTube - captain kirk goes crazy!! best of william shatner

Deejo is right - it's ugly but there is a darker side to you - an "Evil Kirk" if you use the brief video there as a guide.

It does serve you and divorce will "split" you into 2 people - Good Discarded and Bad Discarded. Your bad Discarded will rightfully show anger, greed, lust, fear - all of those emotions demonstrated in that video.

Your husband is nuts, like my wife, to think that he can end a marriage of 28 years (mine was 15 years) and oh, BTW, can't we just be friends? That needs to evolve and no, you aren't being unreasonable. He had an affair for Criminey's sake and he's manipulating you. 

Respond accordingly.

There are certain things that only your dark side can accomplish on behalf you. Let him get intimately familiar with that side of you.

Then tame it with prayer or whatever.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Scannerguard,
Thanks for that link - I had a good laugh! (It's been a while)
I'm beginning to think he is nuts in a way. 
He is making the silliest decisions and cannot see that his family have opinions and feelings. It's all about him.
I must stop giving him the power to manipulate me, blame and insult me.
Easier said than done when you love someone.....


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

discarded, he is being crazy. It's a common reaction to affairs. He wants to experience his freedom, has rewritten the whole mariatal history to support his poor choices, and is demonizing you. He expects you approve of his choices because, in his mind, he's suffered and deserves something. But what is really underneath it, is that he knows he acting terribly and doesn't want to face it. 

Below are a few links that may better help you understand all of it:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

When a man leaves a woman (Part 1) - Relationship Matters

When a man leaves a woman (Part 2) - Relationship Matters

When a man leaves a woman (Part 3) - Relationship Matters

At this stage, the best thing you can do is read up on affairs to understand better what he's going through, and what YOU are going through. And focus on yourself. It's easy advice to give, VERY difficult to do when you are heart broken.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Some day you will be on the other side of it, and you'll be a better, stronger person for it. But the ride sucks.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Seeking Sanity - thanks for your wise words and the links...they were very helpful and I am starting to realize that HIS bad choices are the problem.
He has been and still is acting terribly but is making himself out to be such a good guy... saying he cares etc etc.
How do you hurt a person like this and say you care?????


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

How does he hurt you? 

Because he is totally in fantasy land. An altered reality without consequences. I'd encourage you read those articles again because they explain exactly how and why this happens. Doesn't excuse his behavior but understanding will help you feel less like it was you. 

It's not about you. It's all about him and his brokeness. I went through about 1.5 years of feeling like **** about myself. Rationally I knew better, but emotionally I felt inadequate and like a failure. Articles helped me.

It takes time to heal.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You do not have to be friends. Maybe down the road you will feel differently, but right now, it might be best to cut all contact. If he needs something, let him figure it out. Seriously. The "friendship" will give him the benefit of your support without doing a darn thing for you. 

This is all about setting boundaries--and since he is already out of the house, it will be much easier. No calls or emails or anything. Tell him he is a stranger to you now, and you want him to leave you alone. So what if he feels you are "cruel" and says so? That is nothing but his opinion--and he's saying it b/c he doesn't want to face up to what he's done, wants to seem like a "good guy," and wants to have easy access to what you will still provide him w/o having to provide what you want from him in return. Some "friend."

God bless and good luck.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

I know you are right....but I just keep wondering if I'm handling the situation in the right way.
He has phoned me a couple of times in the past week to ask if he could come over to catch up with me. I ask what his reason is for wanting to come over. I desperately hope that he will say that he's sorry or that he wants to work things out or something like that. But.. he says 'No reason'. So I have said 'NO, I don't think so'.
He seems disappointed..but then says that he wants to pick up some things. 
He already has all his clothes and personal belongings so I have no idea what is left for him to pick up. 
It feels good to be in control but... am I being mean by not letting him come and talk to me???
I just don't know anymore.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Well - he turned up unannounced the other day to collect his motorbike.
He came inside, helped himself to a glass of wine and got all teary telling me that he was sorry to be hurting me but he just had to keep going with this reassesment of his life.
He states that he may be ready to move home in 6 months or maybe never.
He says he doesn't want to come back to a stale relationship but he still loves me despite his behaviour. He is enjoying the new experiences of living independantly and feels he must see it through. 
He is still infatuated with the other woman but she is not having much to do with him. She has some kind of hold over him though.
He said that he would like to go to old time dancing (we used to do this when we met and were first married). He asked if I would go because he would like to partner me.
I am confused! ...and I think maybe he is too.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR DO!!???


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Well - I haven't posted anything for about a month.
It's been 3 months since my husband left home - a little over 4 months since I found out about affair.
I have good and bad days still, weekly counseling, but I'm coping.
I have been going to the old time dance and dancing with my h. there. It was ok for the first 2 weeks but the 3rd week he just flirted with women in front of me. I hated it.
I have been slowly finding out that he has been telling people that our separation was mutual and that we are good friends. This is anything but the truth!
A separation is never what I wanted and he knows it!
He has also told a couple of people that I accused him of having an affair and kicked him out of home! Again NOT true.
Why is he disrespecting me so much that he is telling lies about what happened and how I feel?
Should this be the end for me?
I have left the door open for 3 months and I feel like an 'option' in his life.
Is it time to tell him that because of his lying and disrespect, I am now ceasing all contact?


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

I spoke to h. and told him I thought it was cowardly of him to be telling people that our break up was mutual etc.
He said I had issues if I didn't beleive him and that this sort of behaviour from me was exactly the reason he didn't want to come back.
Since when are my 'feelings' the same as 'issues'??
I told him that I wouldn't have him back until he had done some work on himself. 
He said I would have him back anytime....ARROGANT man!!
I asked him if he was happy and he said 'not overly'. His counselor told him that he shouldn't even think about coming home whist he is still wanting to be with other women. 
His relationship with the 29 y.o. is fizzling out and he is on the lookout for someone else. Very hurtful to hear your husband say that he wants to try whatever else is out there.
Is it time to stop contact or do I just let him ring when he wants to??
Help please????


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

May I know why you want to stay with such a man??? I mean, we all are flawed, we all made mistakes, but this man doesn't even regret them.

Kick him to the curve! He deserves that, he's going to counseling and still wants to see other women? 

Please have pride on yourself and stop letting this piece of a man treat you this way, love yourself more because you deserve better.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Why do I want to stay with him??...he has been my companion and love for 33 years (married 28). I love him.
I don't think this is really him doing what he's doing. It is like something has taken over his mind and I hope it may leave his mind one day.
I know him to be a different man altogether - this is most out of character.
He has had only 1 session of counseling so far and his counselor is right I think - he can't possibly come home when he still feels the need to explore what's out there. It would only end up badly again.
I just have to let him do what he has to do for however long it takes.
I can only let him know that I am here.. and step back to give him the space and time he needs.
It hurts..it really hurts.. but I am getting to the point where I know this is what I must do.
I want to reconcile but that is the last thing on his mind at the moment, so I just have to let him go.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

How old is he? Old enough to perhaps need a thorough medical exam--you mention old time dancing and how this is totally out of character for him. It's worth exploring his mental and physical health--although unlikely, this could be related to some type of dementia or something, perhaps. If he's even in his 50s, it's not totally unreasonable to be concerned.

Because his current behavior bothers you, you can tell him to call you when, and only when, he is ready to come home. Then, start living your own life and enjoying it. Figure out how to be happy without him. You will never regret learning to become your own best friend! Perhaps at some point you will even realize you do not WANT him to come home, and if so, you can proceed from there.

But if the plan is, you will let him get this out of his system, then let go while he does. If you need to think, "He'll come back someday," ok, but simply do not wait around for that day. Get out there and rediscover yourself. Get some counseling to figure out why you let him manipulate you (his crack about "issues" when you confronted him with the truth). 

Stand up for yourself, too. If someone tells you that they heard it was mutual, correct them. If someone says you threw him out for a suspected affair, tell them it was a confirmed affair and give a few details of the OW--age, etc. You'll feel better. And eventually, you won't even care what he's told others, and you won't feel the need to defend yourself-that's the best feeling of all, knowing that you know and love yourself and the opinion of anyone not really close to you simply isn't important to you.

Good luck!


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

sisters359 - He is 53, I am 49. 
I am trying to do all the things that you suggested. You are spot on.
He phoned me about 6 times last night but I knew it was him and didn't want to answer...just didn't feel like hearing him talk as though everything is normal.
Finally he texted asking where I was and asking if we were going dancing tomorrow night.
I said no- not this week. I got a txt back accusing me of withholding information.
I said that I didn't really have to answer any questions... I leave him alone to do what he chose to do, and that I wanted to be left out of the whole thing.
He said 'fine'.
I will call him when I feel up to it and explain that I just don't want to be any part of his cheating and lying. 
Tears are rolling as I am writing this....


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

discarded you are absolutely correct in feeling..you can't go from being married to 'just friends'..that is impossible if you are a human being...my wife who initiated separation after 17 yrs of marriage wanted to be 'just friends'..I was like "wha..how..who??"..can't be done at first...and I pray for her all the time I pray that her brakes would fail as she approaches a sharp curve at 70mph Just kidding..but you do have to let your husband see the 'mean,nasty' 'discarded'..or you will wish later that you had.


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## Tryinhard (Mar 5, 2010)

He doesn't care or he wouldn't have done that to you. I hear "I love you" or "I really care" and I've learned that's just her way of not accepting any accountability.

We'll be here to help you through it but don't get fooled. Pray hard EVERYDAY !


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Received a txt this morning saying that hes has never lied or never been secretive with me.....ha ha 
He rang tonight to ask if I'm going to the dance. I said no and told him I wasn't interested in being around when he was on the prowl for someone else. He said that he might be on the prowl for me and I should be more encouraging.
I asked him if he was still interested in other women and he said he was. So why should I bother being encouraging??
I told him I was not interested in just being with him fro 1 night a week...that I deserved to be someones only girl.
He said that I wanted it all.
Well why shouldn't I??
I told him that I didn't want contact except for financial things and he told me that I was burying any relationship we might have if I did that.
He said he didn't like my tone and he would not want to come home to that.
He said it was good to build up our relationship by going to the dance and having fun together.
He has a way of making me feel guilty.
Don't know what to do!!!
Feel all shaky and horrible again!


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## Tranquility Counseling (May 6, 2010)

Greetings in reading your post I quicky recognized the level of your pain. Your heart is broken, you are experiencing grief due to the loss of a relationship. You would benefit best by seeking the consult of a professional. Each day is a new challenge to you now that you are living a new life seperate from your husband in whom you have lived with for most of your adult life. This in itself is a transition a change. It takes time to adapt to changes. You need to be mindful not to allow yourself to slip into despair. You need to focus on keeping yourself healthy. You have to remain strong and survive this hurtful event. In reference to your husband: He sounds as if he may be going through midlife crisis. He sounds very confused and uncaring of your feelings. He is not healthy for you at this time. Actually he is very TOXIC to you. You need to define healthy boundaries in terms of your relationship with him. I suggest seeking professional guidance ASAP.. your mental and emotional health are very important..
Good luck to you
Darleena Anderson LPC MHSP NCC


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks, I have been having weekly counseling but my counselor is away for 3 weeks.
I have tried to put boundaries in place but he just says I have 'issues'. I have now told him that I don't want to be part of his life at all while he's having or looking for another woman. 
He rang back again last night and we had an hour conversation about this stuff.
He finally said he understood that I would not want to be part of some triangle.

As he was talking about wanting me to be more encouraging to him, I made a list of the things he said:
-I can't give up the OW even though she keeps me at arms length.
-I still want the excitement of other women
-Don't pin your hopes on me.
-I don't want the same old stale relationship.
-I have too much baggage with you.
-I don't want to be committed to anyone at the moment.
-I don't want to be your one and only person.
-You are not my wife anymore.
-I can't say if I'm definately not coming home because I don't know yet.

On the opposite side of the page he says:
- be more encouraging to me because I might be interested in having a relationship - I don't know
-Go to the dance with me and just have fun, they're baby steps we can take together and might lead to doing more fun things.
-If we can have fun, you might be the one I want to be with.
-You might be one of the other women I'm interested in.
- If you don't want contact with me you will be burying any chance there is of a relationship.

Please - any thoughts??


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

I really need some help...my counselor is away for 3 weeks and I feel I am going backwards.

Am I risking my relationship by rejecting his requests for me to be more encouraging?...or is it just blackmail on his part??
I don't want to do or say anything that might risk us not having a new relationship.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

discarded~ 

I'm going to take a moment and see if I can "decode" his Disloyal Dizziness talk for you. You see, when a person is disloyal, they speak in a way that literally makes your head spin because it makes NO SENSE! So give me a moment, I'm working on the interpreting for you. But in a summary...no you are not burying your chances with him if you "give in." YOUR head is on fairly straight and you're thinking fairly clearly--weary and grieving but clearly. HIS head, and his logic, on the other hand, is out of this world silly.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> Thanks, I have been having weekly counseling but my counselor is away for 3 weeks.


 Soooo...for the next three weeks continue working on the last assignment your counselor gave you to work on. What was that assignment? If he/she didn't give you one, I will and I will expect you to report how you're doing on it every day. (crack the whip :lol Counselors aren't magic. You have to do the work and you have to live your life so you can do it! 



> I have tried to put boundaries in place but he just says I have 'issues'. I have now told him that I don't want to be part of his life at all while he's having or looking for another woman.
> He rang back again last night and we had an hour conversation about this stuff.
> He finally said he understood that I would not want to be part of some triangle.


So let me ask you this. You said you're setting boundaries. Boundaries are when you say out loud what you will and will not accept in your life--not a "rule" he has to follow. So for example, I might say "I will only share myself fully and intimately with an open, honest spouse in my life. I will not accept dishonesty, covering up, unfaithfulness emotionally or physically." Now, my Dear Hubby is 100% free to choose whatever he wants. He can be open and honest, and I will share myself with him. But he is also completely free to choose to be dishonest and unfaithful--in which case I would not share myself with him. 

Now if your boundary is "I don't want to be part of his life at all while he's having or looking for another woman" then how does that fit with having an hour long phone conversation with him? It doesn't! You violated your own boundary! 

Here's how you can diminish your own distress and back your boundary with a firm, cement wall. YOU don't contact him at all. If you have to, distract yourself...but don't contact him by phone, email, or text. When he contacts you (and he will because he's going to try to get some of his needs met with you or to be able to blame you for the ills in his life) you either ignore it--don't answer, turn the phone off--OR answer and say "Hello (hubby) are you ready to give up having or looking for other women in your life and dedicate your affection and loyalty only to me? You're not? Okay when you're ready please call me. Bye!" and then hang up. Don't listen to his drivel otherwise...it's just dizzy talk anyway and the purpose of it is to deflect from the huge phone pole in his eye (the ADULTERY) to the teeny toothpick in yours (you had a "tone" with him). *PUHLEEZE! * 

Now let me translate some Disloyal Dizzy Talk for you. I will write what it REALLY means and what you can reply to the dizzy talk. You wrote:



> -I can't give up the OW even though she keeps me at arms length.


MEANS: Can't=won't, so this means "I want to behave immorally and I don't really care who it hurts. I won't stop even though I know it's wrong."
ANSWER: Oh you're right! You are unwilling to live a moral life and that's why I am protecting myself from you.



> -I still want the excitement of other women.


MEANS: "I'm so immature, I follow my hormones rather than honoring my commitment to my family like an adult."
ANSWER: Oh you're right, you are so blinded by the pleasure, who needs to think of the veneral diseases the exciting women may have? I choose to have a pure marriage bed. 



> -Don't pin your hopes on me.


MEANS: "I'm undependable, immature, and self-centered."
ANSWER: Oh I have no hope for you. 



> -I don't want the same old stale relationship.


MEANS: "I want what I want and I want it NOW but I'm not willing to work for it at all."
ANSWER: Oh you're right, I would never accept that neglectful relationship we had in the past. Now I expect a mature partner who's willing to keep his promise to keep working at it until death parted us.



> -I have too much baggage with you.


MEANS: "I'm not willing to forgive you or let go of the negative memories."
ANSWER: Oh you're right you do have too much baggage for me to accept you.



> -I don't want to be committed to anyone at the moment.


MEANS: "I'm selfish."
ANSWER: I can see that you're only willing to consider yourself and can't see the damage you're doing.



> -I don't want to be your one and only person.


MEANS: "I know this is wrong but I want to do it, so I want you to do it too so it's legitimate."
ANSWER: I can see that you don't want to be a person who honors their commitments.



> -You are not my wife anymore.


MEANS: "I'm looking for a way to make my cheating okay."
ANSWER: (I can see going two ways with this one) #1--You're right. Until you start treating me better I don't choose to let you be my husband. #2--My promise to you was to keep working at it until death parted us and I'm not dead, so I'm your wife.



> -I can't say if I'm definately not coming home because I don't know yet.


MEANS: "I want to have the freedom to be sexually immoral and have a safety net just in case."
ANSWER: "You're right you can't say, and right now I'd say you are not invited to come home. I'm not sure yet."

Now let me translate the opposite side of the Disloyal Dizzy Talk for you. I will write what it REALLY means and what you can reply to the dizzy talk--just like last time. You wrote:



> - be more encouraging to me because I might be interested in having a relationship - I don't know


MEANS: "I want to have my cake and eat it too."
ANSWER: You're right. YOU should be more encouraging to ME because I may be interesting trying to revive our relationship...I'm not sure.



> -Go to the dance with me and just have fun, they're baby steps we can take together and might lead to doing more fun things.


MEANS: "Nobody else seems to want me right now so I'll turn to you as a last resort."
ANSWER: Are you ready to give up other women in your life? I'm not willing to be second best. 



> -If we can have fun, you might be the one I want to be with.


MEANS: "I'm unwilling to do the right, honorable thing unless it's FUN!"
ANSWER: You're right, if you were fun you might be the one I wanted to be with.



> -You might be one of the other women I'm interested in.


MEANS: "I'll string you along as long as possible."
ANSWER: Look me up when you're ready to give up having or looking for other women in your life and dedicate your affection and loyalty only to me



> - If you don't want contact with me you will be burying any chance there is of a relationship.


MEANS: "I'll threaten you with something I know scares you, if you won't do things my way."
ANSWER: You're right. Your unwillingness to give up other women in your life buries any chance this marriage has.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

AC got to it before me, but YOU are on the right track and HE doesn't like it--so he threatens you with what he knows scares you. And, the "issues?" He does not want to have to discuss any of HIS problems, mistakes, or weaknesses at all--he just wants to blame you. 

Every time you talk to him, you are reinforcing his power over you. Are you afraid of being alone? That's ok, a lot of people are--and many get past it and then learn to LOVE being alone. I know, b/c I was one of those! Terrified, and then one day, suddenly, not. What do you fear? Maybe talking about that some will help.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

(nod) Yep I was one of those too! I actually like people and dislike being alone, but once I learned how, now I enjoy the peace. For me it wasn't "suddenly one day" but what happened is that I was afraid, afraid, afraid then one day I thought, "Oh hey--whaddya know! I was happy today!" and I was all surprised I could have a good day!


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Thankyou so much for the wonderful help! It's so good to have advice from others who've been through it too.
Those interpretations of what my h. said are a real eye opener for me. 
When I talk to him he SOUNDS so confident and sure of what he is saying. Everything I say, he has an immediate comeback for and I feel like I'm backed into a corner and just can't think of the right reply.
What am I afraid of??....I hate being lonely, having no one there when I get up in the morning or come home at night. I am afraid of the future and financial security. I am afraid that he will eventually find someone else and be happy and that I will be on my own. I am afraid that I might become bitter because he did the wrong thing and may be happier than ever because of it. How do people who cause so much unhappiness to their spouses often end up being so happy?? It doesn't seem fair.
My counselor has said that I have to start imagining myself in the future without him...imagining different scenarios without him. She says the more I do that the more it will become OK to be on my own.
She says I must fill up my life with other things (which I am trying to do), and spend lots of time with my 2 children, 22 & 25.
Obviously I need to think about my boundaries more... but I am the sort of person who doesn't like to hurt others, even my disloyal h. If he rings me, I find it very hard to be blunt and cold and just put the phone down.
I have to see him about once a fortnight to sort out payment of bills etc..it's unavoidable.
I forgot to say in my last post...he also said that he was not seeing or sleeping with anyone at the moment, so he couldn't understand why I wouldn't go to the dance with him. I told him that while he was still even thinking about other women, I wouldn't go out with him. He said that if a man asked me to go out, would I refuse on the grounds that they couldn't be thinking about other women or would I just accept it as a date?
I feel quite down at the moment....but I'm seeing my wonderful children this weekend and have to try hard not to be a whingeing mum in front of them.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

discarded said:


> He said that if a man asked me to go out, would I refuse on the grounds that they couldn't be thinking about other women or would I just accept it as a date?


I love disloyals, don't you? Honestly at times they are so :lol: :rofl: 

Okay, if a man asked you to go out, right now you WOULD refuse them because you are married!

When you are married, you make a VOW--a covenant/business contract--that says "I take you to be my spouse *forsaking all others* for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or health, until death parts us." So when you are married, you volunteer to NOT think about other people. 

When a person is single and available--not "separated" and not "in the divorce process" but SINGLE then you may decide to accept a date and if you found out that the whole time he was thinking of and wanting another woman...EVEN THEN you would probably refuse to date that gentleman again! 

So as usual, he's being :scratchhead: Disloyal Dizzy talk!


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Yes - I would refuse any date because I am married. Iam loyal and faithful and always have been...never a thought of straying.
I will remain faithful until I am divorced.
I NEVER want to give him grounds to say.."well you were unfaithful while we were still legally married".
As far as I'm concerned, I am still his wife and he is my husband. My vows mean alot to me .....he thinks that people change and relationships change and the vows he made when he was 24, were made by a very young person who has now changed his thinking completely.
I won't be able to post for a few days- going to my daughters house and will not have the internet.
Thankyou so much for the help - I race to the computer evey morning and night to look for the great advice on here! It helps so much.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Well I had a great but busy weekend helping my daughter move. I also went to a university music concert that she was playing in - so proud of her.
My h. was busy all weekend with a community drama group that he is in, so I didn't have to hear from him which was good! He gets cross that I have the time to help our d. move and go to her concert and he is missing out because of other committments.
I am not looking forward to when he rings me to ask if I'm going to the dance this week. I know in my heart I must say no while he is still thinking about being with other women.
It was very sad and lonely coming home to an empty house last night......I guess I'll get more used to it.....but for now it's awful.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

discarded said:


> Well I had a great but busy weekend helping my daughter move. I also went to a university music concert that she was playing in - so proud of her.


GOOD JOB! Keeping yourself involved and with some plans gives you things to look forward to and you can start to see that some of life is still good and even enjoyable. This also keeps your spirits up a little, to be with and near people whom you know love you. 



> My h. was busy all weekend with a community drama group that he is in, so I didn't have to hear from him which was good! He gets cross that I have the time to help our d. move and go to her concert and he is missing out because of other commitments.


Again, GOOD FOR YOU. Not hearing from him is probably a good thing right now as it helps you to keep your head on more straight and eases the rollercoaster of emotions somewhat. If your H gets cross about not being there to help your D move, just remind him that it's his choices to be away from the family and that any time he wants, he can make choices that honor the family. The idea there is to drop clues where/when you can that you might not take him "right back" but you'd be open to rebuilding the marriage. Make sense? Otherwise, as always, don't let his B.S. fool you. He's just trying to somehow drag you in and blame you for the life choices he's made. 



> I am not looking forward to when he rings me to ask if I'm going to the dance this week. I know in my heart I must say no while he is still thinking about being with other women.


Have you been memorizing that little line I gave you (or putting it into your own words)? Let's practice:

"Are you coming to the dance with me? If you don't come you're..." (interrupt RIGHT ABOUT HERE and say your line.)

"No I'm not willing to give up looking at other women and who do you think you are....?" (interrupt RIGHT ABOUT HERE and say "Oh you're not? Okay call me when you're ready! Bye!" Click. 

See how you don't have to subject yourself to his blaming and rants? And see how you stand up for yourself by showing with your actions that you will only accept EXCLUSIVITY or nothing? 



> It was very sad and lonely coming home to an empty house last night......I guess I'll get more used to it.....but for now it's awful.


Okay I have a few practical suggestions. 1) Personally I leave music or the stereo on when I'm home to "fill the silence." I also would often put on a comedienne on TV and just putter around the house because a) it's a voice so it feels like someone is in the house and b) it's funny so if I happen to listen I laugh rather than cry. 2) I decided to "reclaim" the house and I did some things to it that I'd always wanted to do. I wantonly wore shoes on the living room rug. I put my feet up on the coffee table. I got BRIGHT RED SILK THROW PILLOWS for the couch because I like colors other than beige. I painted my room a bright, warm yellow to feel sunny in there. I got a very girly, frilly, feminine comforter for the bed that was pink and yellow roses so that it was MINE. 

Yes some of those things cost some money and I didn't have a lot, but I made curtains, I watched shows or movies *I* liked that he'd never let me watch. I DRANK DARK GRAPE JUICE IN A WHITE BLOUSE IN OUR LIVING ROOM!  So I hope maybe you can think of some things to do to your home to make it "yours." Yes the hope is that the separation is temporary, but these few little things can make a quiet, empty building feel like your home again.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Had text message thanking me for helping our d. to move. I didn't reply.
Had another text asking if I wasn't talking to him. I replied "Yes, I am talking - but I am only an option in your life so don't expect me to make you a priority in mine."
Another text tonight from him saying that he was at a work training thing for a few days so was not going dancing tonight. He said that may or may not please me but he enjoyed doing that activity with me.
I have not responded yet. Trying to think of the most appropriate thing to say....or just not bother replying at all.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

He keeps ringing morning and night - I don't answer if I know it's him.
He sent txt message asking why I wasn't answering his calls.
I replied -'While ever you are pursuing or having an affair with other women, I will not be a 'choice' for you. When you are ready to start a new relationship faithfully with me, call me then.'
He completely ignored it and texted me about something totally irrelevant!


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

Discarded, I am in the same situation as u for 2 yrs my h left me and my kids i was 40 yrs old then now im 43 and he came back because the OW cheated on him she is older than my h, i didn't put myself in their level, i stand firm on my ground, my h came back DEC 09 and I tried I went into relationship 17 months after my h left me and when he came back to me i accepted him and broke up with my bf but it didn't work with my h i feel like he just used me because he doesn't have job and needs financial help. Now im back with my bf who stayed supportive with me when I decided to get back with my h...I am planning to file for divorce


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out with your h.
If my h. wanted to come home right now - I would know he wasn't ready to. He has not done any work on himself or his behaviours and is not ready to come back to the relationship.
I'm glad you're happy with your b/f.
I am 49 years old and feel that I wont find anybody else, especially as I live in a small community. I would love for my h. to do the work he needs to and for us to have a relationship again but for now I don't want to be in contact with him until he's through with searching for the greener grass.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

H. was calling and calling this morning. He finally sent a txt asking why I wasn't answering his calls. 
I re sent the same text I had sent 2 days ago saying that while he was pursuing other women i would not be an optional extra in his life and when he was ready to be faithful to me, to call me.
His response: 'What if I am neither at this stage or I just don't know. What if I need some convincing? How about lunch?'

My response: 'I'm the one you should be convincing. If you need convincing I'm not interested. I have done plenty of work on me with my counselor.'

He then asked where I was. I said I was out for the day (true).
He responded 'Would you want to go back with someone who won't communicate openly? I am not convinced, frankly'.
(I'm sure this was said because I wouldn't tell him where I was and he is making out that I am therefore dishonest and why would he want to be with a dishonest person!)

My response 'I have learned alot with my counselor about myself and you. You have hardly done any work on yourself though, and you need to. You left me, and I don't have to tell you where I am. If you wanted an honest, faithful relationship with me, you would know.'

Affaircare (or anyone) - can you interpret what this really means as you did with the last mixed messages?


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Should I be trying to convince him??


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Short answer? Nope. 

HE MADE A VOW TO DEVOTE ALL OF HIS AFFECTION AND LOYALTY TO YOU. He is not honoring that vow. The only "convincing" that needs to be done is this:

"Do you intend to honor your vows to me and me alone or not? No? Call me when you are--I'll accept nothing less." 

Then hang up. Don't listen to all that other bull-stuff because that's what it is: manure.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> 'While ever you are pursuing or having an affair with other women, I will not be a 'choice' for you. When you are ready to start a new relationship faithfully with me, call me then.'


THIS IS EXCELLENT! Very good job. Now the next part is to repeat this and only this. If the answer is no, you hang up or don't listen or delete the text. 



Here...I'll show you:



> H. was calling and calling this morning. He finally sent a txt asking why I wasn't answering his calls.
> I re sent the same text I had sent 2 days ago saying that while he was pursuing other women i would not be an optional extra in his life and when he was ready to be faithful to me, to call me.
> His response: 'What if I am neither at this stage or I just don't know. What if I need some convincing? How about lunch?'


At this point here, you are under NO OBLIGATION TO REPLY. You could say maybe..."You made a vow to me. If you are at neither stage, call me when you are ready to start a new relationship faithfully with only me. Bye!" 



> My response: 'I'm the one you should be convincing. If you need convincing I'm not interested. I have done plenty of work on me with my counselor.'


Here's your first mistake. You said "...don't call until you'll only be with me..." and then you let him pull you into a discussion/argument that is FILLED with disloyal dizziness and confuses you. So remember, he is a grown, adult man not some teenager. He can honor his vow to be devoted to you or not. It's simple. At this point, you could delete his text and don't reply.



> He then asked where I was. I said I was out for the day (true).


Here's another mistake. It's none of his business where you are--he left you remember? If he doesnt' care enough to honor his vow he also doesn't need to know where you are. If it were me I would have just deleted this text but surely not replied at all. If he wants to know where you are...he does have the option to honor his vows, return to the marriage, and be faithful to you. Again, at this point, you could delete his text and don't reply.



> He responded 'Would you want to go back with someone who won't communicate openly? I am not convinced, frankly'.
> (I'm sure this was said because I wouldn't tell him where I was and he is making out that I am therefore dishonest and why would he want to be with a dishonest person!)


See the disloyal dizziness there? He is a) trying to hook you into a conversation, b) trying to say YOU are the one being dishonest when he is committing adultery, and c) trying to deflect the focus off the phone pole in his eye (infidelity) and focusing on the toothpick in your eye (you may not have be open and communicative).

In your head the response to this is "Right. Why would I want to go back with someone who won't communicate openly with me? I don't!" But out loud your response is... delete his text and don't reply.



> My response 'I have learned alot with my counselor about myself and you. You have hardly done any work on yourself though, and you need to. You left me, and I don't have to tell you where I am. If you wanted an honest, faithful relationship with me, you would know.'


And there it is...see how he's deflected from HIS ADULTERY to you having to defend your honor and your marriage? When you do not reply that means he is loosing his connection to you and if there is no "other woman" and no "safety net second choice" suddenly  he's got nobody! 

discarded, send the "faithful only to me? No. Bye!" message ONE TIME and thereafter let him call over and over and over. He left you remember? And the natural consequence of his decision to leave you is that he doesn't get to know what you're doing, where you are, who you're with...it was HIS choice to leave. If he wants to be with you, he can be FAITHFUL. The point here is that when he sucks you into these texts and conversations, they are so littered with disloyal dizziness that it sends your mind into a whirl and is confusing. Stay focused. Send the message once; if he says anything OTHER THAN YES, say good bye. Then turn the phone off, take it off the hook, delete texts and emails, etc. DO NOT REPLY. Allow him to experience the consequences of *his* choices. Okay?


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Is he clever at doing this to me or is it just the thinking of someone in a crisis?

My daughter spoke with him this morning and he asked why I didn't answer his calls.
She told him that I didn't want to anymore and he just couldn't understand that.
He said he thought I would like to hear his voice. 
She said that I actually wouldn't.
He said he would just have to text me and she told him that I didn't want that either.

He asked 'How can things grow between us if mum doesn't want to talk to me?'


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow, he has ignored everything you have said. He is continuing to push you to let things "grow" between you while he is actively pursuing other women. That's all there is to ALL this b.s.

You are doing a great job. Be aware that he may NEVER get it--and think long and hard about whether you want him in your life any more. He is so narcissistic--he does not hear anything he does not want to hear. Has he always been like this, on other issues? Is it only now you are becoming aware he does not listen to you? Think about other times in your life together and communication, and feelings of frustration, etc., you have had when you felt your opinion/needs/wants, etc., were "proven" less significant than what he wanted/decided. I suspect he has done this for a very long time, and you are having trouble seeing it b/c it has become "normal" for you. He's not clever, just extremely self-centered. EVERYTHING is easy for him, b/c he's defending himself and asserting his needs with every breath-he doesn't even think about it; it's like flinching when something nearly hits you. It's his normal mode of operation. Imagine yourself choosing not to respond to his words, but instead simply asserting what you want in a slightly different phrase, or turning the conversation in a direction that would make you more comfortable. Since you actually hear him and, like a normal person, you tend to want to respond to his actual words, you are at a disadvantage--you have to think about constantly pursuing your own agenda no matter what he says. He doesn't. He is NOT HEARING a word you say--he's pursuing, "I want her to do what I want." He doesn't have to think about it, as I said, b/c that's all he is thinking about!

Truthfully, the two of you are at a stage where you do not have to engage with him at all. You do not need to sort out bills with him--it would be unhealthy for you, I suspect. Either do it through email--or much better yet, have a 3rd person handle it. The 3rd person can determine what's fair, or can meet with him. But in your own interest. Tell him to stop calling or texting, etc., and that you will not respond to anything from him until the 3rd party informs you he has committed himself to working on the marriage with you and has totally forsaken others. 

As for being alone, ah, once you turn the corner and embrace it--you may never want him back in your life. Seriously. You will begin to realize all the compromises you had to make to share living space with him, and they may total up to, "Why would I want that again?" Maybe not! But, don't be surprised if they do. As you are going through counseling, you will grow and change, and you may truly outgrow him. Do not feel guilty if you do, please. We can talk about that if it happens.

If you do not have a pet, consider getting one--an adult dog from a breeder or from a rescue group may be just perfect. (Look at apartment options if you suspect you may have to move, however, and get a bird or cat or rabbit if most are "small pets only.") There is a reason people have pets! They are so good for you.

Plan your alone time, and then if you blow the plan b/c you choose to do something else, great! Reschedule with yourself. It's awesome!

If you don't work, start volunteering. Walk in somewhere tomorrow and say you are ready to start now. Local schools may need help, and if they cannot put you in a classroom right away (you may need police clearance), ask if you can file papers or something.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Yes - that is absolutely right.
Working with my counselor, I can now see that this has been going on for many years. 
Any feelings I had were put down or ridiculed. I was told I was being petty or being a drama queen or that I had 'issues'.
If I had an opinion about something, it was shot down straight sway. His opinion was always the right one. I was never allowed an opinion.
It became a spiralling downward circle of him treating me like that and then me reacting by ignoring his needs. 
This did become a way of life and I guess he felt his needs for company not being met led to him having the affair.
He does have great difficulty in listening and understanding what I want and he does just ignore it and go merrily along with his life.

I have a pet rabbit - she is delightful. I have been surprisingly busy during the last month and as you said - I am getting used to being alone, doing my own thing etc. Just at times, the reality of it all hits and I really feel the lonliness of getting up or coming home to an empty house.
I do work 4 days a week and I'm thinking about doing an online course in the future. 
sisters359- you are spot on with your observations, how can you know all this without knowing my h.? Have you been in a similar situation?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

There are two easy ways we can know all this without knowing your hubby: 1) we've lived through some of it ourselves and thus recognize the patterns, and 2) we've studied healthy relationships and worked others for a few years.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

He's still not getting it!
Rings early in the morning and tonight rang at least 6 times.
He sent me a txt asking me to please answer the phone.
I sent back the same text re giving up affairs and being faithful to me.
He sent me back a txt saying that I had already sent that one!
And I thought to myself - Yes and thats the only one I will send from now on! 
Until he understands it....
Why is he doing this - it's almost harassment!


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

I have read about working on myself and continually telling h. that when he wants to be loyal, to call me. 
I don't understand really how he is supposed to see that I've been working on myself and that I am an attractive alternative to meet his needs when I'm having no contact with him.
How will he ever know what stage I'm up to in working on me if I don't see him or talk to him?
Won't he just say 'Oh well, there she is not talking to me again and I hate that sort of treatment'.?
How can I get across to him that I have done much work and would love for a new relationship with him?


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Well - he just texted me asking me to go to the dance tonight.
I sent the same text that I have been sending -'While you are pursuing or having an affair with other women, I will not be your optional extra. When you are ready to have a new and faithful relationship with me, call me.'
He replied 'Why, when you treat me like this?'
I replied 'Cos I am not the one committing adultery. I will not be just your Tuesday night extra. I'm the real deal - take it or leave it.'
He replied -'I am not committing.'
I did not reply.

So sad - he won't commit himself to our relationship - he wants it all. I think this must be truly the end.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

It is all very frustrating....I love my h.

My d. says that by asking me to the dance maybe he is trying to work on things in some small way.
My other d. says he's being mean and wanting it all his way.

He sent another txt asking me to please tell him why I won't talk to him all of a sudden.

I replied - because I wont wait in line with other women, because you say you want convincing but still want other women, because you can't forgive and let go of negatives, because you only want my company when it suits you, because none of this is healthy for me and I don't want any sort of relationship based on that, because if I don't tell you where I am, you threaten me, because I have been very patient and have had enough now.

I have had no reply.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay... *deep breath* I see that there are a couple things that are being a little unclear here so let me see if I can make it more clear for you. 

1) When he calls and calls and calls--you do not need to reply AT ALL. You have already told him several times what it would take to be a part of your life, and right this second he's not calling you because he's ready to commit. He's calling partly to meet his need to know he still has you as his safety net, and partly to meet his need to blame the relationship breakdown on you rather than his adultery (Yeah--it can't be that I'm with other women! It's because she won't talk to me!  ). Any time that you reply, even to say the things you've been saying, what you are communicating to him is that he doesn't need to listen to what you say. You have told him you are not willing to get less that 100% faithfulness from your husband and then you turn around and take a teeny communication: he feeds you B.S. guilt and you reply so he can say "See? It's her not me!" So.... no more replies. None. Nada. Nothing. The crickets in the background noise is what he gets from you. Okay? If his calling/texting over and over bugs you...turn the phone off (or change your phone number). 

When you actually stop replying and taking his calls, two things are likely to happen: 

a. YOU will go through some withdrawal-type feelings yourself. Right now, you are used to having even that minimum contact with him and even though you don't like it..it's safe and predictable. Without his contact, it's not known and thus feels unsafe and scary. Just realize you'll likely be REALLY tempted to contact him and think of a zillion little reasons why "you need to" reply...just resist the temptation and get through it. 

b. HE will go through panic as he realizes he made a mistake, you're moving on and not taking his B.S., and he can no longer keep you on the hook. Thus, he will try EVERY TRICK HE KNOWS to push your buttons and make you contact him. The only way you can show him that you mean business is to resist his tricks and let him panic. Okay? So prepare for that. He's going to try crying, calling you names, telling your D's lies...*ANYTHING* to get you to contact him and return to "the way it was". 



2) You do not need to prove to him all the work you've done on yourself or that you are an attractive "alternative." He made a covenant vow to you and you are the ONLY woman on the planet to whom he owes all of his affection and devoted loyalty. This isn't a contest. He either chooses to honor his promise or he doesn't. YOU know that you are doing good work on yourself and that you've changed to be a better person, and he could have honored his vow and found that out too. But it's not up to YOU to show HIM the changes... He broke the marital vows and now it's up to him to show you that he has changed--and the first thing he'd do to demonstrate that he is a NEW MAN is to honor your request to not badger you and understand why you'd be hurt and upset by his carousing! He would show you he's a NEW MAN by no longer trying to contact you, by thinking of you and what you need from him, by going to counseling on his own...without you reminding him, by making time for his daughters, by doing things to better himself, and by attending some sort of worship services! He wouldn't have to say a THING--his actions would demonstrate to you that he is ready to be the kind of man you'd consider as a partner. 

Now discarded, I know that this is REALLY, REALLY hard to do but you can do it. Let him have his little fit but you hold firm and let him fully taste what life would be like without YOU in his life. In case you've missed it, part of the reason he does text and text and text is because he doesn't want to lose you entirely. I suspect he wants to have you and others too...which is just :lol: foggy! But still that means he recognizes he doesn't want to lose you! So you be the very best YOU that you can be. Be the woman you have the potential to be and SHINE...exude confidence and inner beauty and either he'll go live in the gutter for a while or he'll see the true beauty of you and be sad that he ever let someone like you ever get out of his grasp.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you keep focusing on losing him, you will never really get him. Yes, he may choose not to come back--but not because of what you do. He KNOWS he is welcome back when he forsakes other women. That is the ONLY thing you are asking, at this point. When he tries to distract you with questions about "how will he know he wants you, if he doesn't get to spend time with you," you are forgetting that he has CHOSEN not to be fully committed to you. If you let him come back on those terms, those will always remain the terms of the relationship.

I'm sure this is very hard and very scary, because no matter what you do, he may NOT return. But the reality is, you will ALWAYS have to live with the uncertainty of him wandering again, and maybe not coming back the next time, if you let him come back on any terms other than the ones you have set. 

Imagine how awful it would be to be reunited but knowing he has not fully committed to you, that he has not given up on "sampling" other women. Is that really what you want? Would you prefer that to being alone? If so, you really need to work hard in counseling to figure out why you would sell yourself so short. I'm not judging you--I'm trying to encourage you to value yourself more. I personally would be completely miserable in a relationship where I felt like an "option," but then I'm not afraid to be alone. Only you can decide what's worse: being alone (possibly), having him back when he makes you his one and only (possibly), or having him sort-of-kind-of back and sharing him with other women (probably easy to have him back on part-time terms). If the last option is utterly repugnant to you, then you know what you have to do. Good luck! We are here for you!


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Thankyou for giving me so much to think about. I really will think hard about it.
I am going through the withdrawal symptoms that you talk about. I have had little contact for aboyt 2 weeks now and its hard.
Yes - I do find it safe to have a little bit of contact but I can understand what you're saying. He is trying to blame me and he does want his cake and eat it too.

I know how he thinks and I don't think he will panic - he will just see it as one less problem he has to worry about. He certainly won't cry and tell our D's lies - it's not in his nature. He will just say 'Oh well, if she wants to treat me this way, I'm never going back to that treatment'.
He is absolutely firm in his belief that he does not want commitment anymore.

It is very scary to have no contact and think about him NEVER coming back. I am feeling very depressed about it today.
I have not heard from him since I sent that last text last night outlining why I was not talking to him....and I am very sad.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Well he tried ringing again a couple of times last night but I was out at my yoga class.
He sent a txt saying It would be nice to talk - how about answering the phone?
I ignored it.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Phonecalls again last night which I didn't answer. Then a text saying he would really like to talk with me cos he doesn't understand why I won't talk.
I started to reply - then deleted it.
I suspect his next move might be just to turn up at my house unannounced one day.
Don't know how I'll handle that if it happens.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

discarded said:


> Phonecalls again last night which I didn't answer. Then a text saying he would really like to talk with me cos he doesn't understand why I won't talk.
> I started to reply - then deleted it.
> I suspect his next move might be just to turn up at my house unannounced one day.
> Don't know how I'll handle that if it happens.


Okay discarded... do you remember when I wrote this: 

_b. HE will go through panic as he realizes he made a mistake, you're moving on and not taking his B.S., and he can no longer keep you on the hook. Thus, he will try EVERY TRICK HE KNOWS to push your buttons and make you contact him. The only way you can show him that you mean business is to resist his tricks and let him panic. Okay? So prepare for that. He's going to try crying, calling you names, telling your D's lies...*ANYTHING* to get you to contact him and return to "the way it was". _

...and you said _"I don't think he will panic - he will just see it as one less problem he has to worry about. He certainly won't cry and tell our D's lies - it's not in his nature. He will just say 'Oh well, if she wants to treat me this way, I'm never going back to that treatment'. He is absolutely firm in his belief that he does not want commitment anymore."_

You know which tricks he may try to pull better than I do, but this is what I was talking about. He is currently trying every trick he can think of, that has worked in the past. He will come up with NEW ways of trying to push your buttons. If he honestly and sincerely did not care, his exact response would be "Okay...bye" and you'd never hear from him again. But his actions speak louder than his words right now, and his actions say that he is upset that you are no longer under his thumb and/or no longer is safety net. His mouth forms air into syllables that sound like he doesn't want commitment, but that is NOT what his actions say--if nothing else, from a very selfish point of view he wants you to commit to being his second choice if nothing better comes along! 

So be prepared--seriously. I would not be surprised if he tried to be emotional, squeeze out a tear maybe, and try to give you guilt for "hurting him" and being the one who ends the marriage. Then I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to tell your daughters that he tried to fix things and you refused (you big meanie), so it's all your fault he's leaving you. See what I mean? He'll do EVERY TRICK HE KNOWS (some dirty) to get you to defend yourself, yell at him or talk to him. You may even want to tell your girls what you're doing and why so they have a heads up when he tries. Okay?

If he shows up unannounced, just tell him your line and then say, "Okay well I'm sorry then I can't talk now. Bye." Turn--go in the house--close and lock the door--and go far from the door (like to your room).


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Yes - this is true - he must be thinking of me to keep texting and calling.
And yes, he is probably upset that I am not taking the bait. Is it good that he's getting upset about that?

He is still trying to ring home every morning and night.
He has obviously gone back through his messages from me because he sent me one just now asking for clarification on this one I sent - "If I don't tell you where I am, you threaten me."
I have not replied to him.
For the past few weeks he has been asking where I am if I am out. I don't tell him. He then says something like "Why would I want to be with a person who can't communicate openly?"
I'm sorry, but I take that as a threat - something to try and scare me into thinking that if I don't tell him where I am, I might be jeopardising chances of a relationship.
He must know that saying that could be seen as a threat or blackmail.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Well - I had to see him today. I had to swap vehicles with him so my d. could practice before her driving test next week.
I explained to him that I wasn't trying to be mean or pay him back by not wanting to talk with him. I told him that I couldn't talk to him cos it was stopping me from growing further and moving ahead.
He tried to understand. I hope he did. He got all teary.
He doesn't understand how anything can grow between us if I'm not talking to him. I told him that nothing would ever grow while he wanted other women.
He is still very confused. 
But I was strong - in fact I felt really like the stronger person today.
He said that he enjoyed our conversation today and I told him that I got absolutely nothing out of it - I was just hearing the same old stuff.
He was quite surprised at how strong and forceful I was being I think.
Anyway - I asked him again to stop calling me all the time and he said he wouldn't call.
Time will tell I guess.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Well - no phonecalls so far......but texts instead, just asking silly things like "can you help with this clue to the crossword'.
Thought I'd made myself clear to him. :scratchhead:


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

If anything he is trying to get under your skin by keeping you on his mind kwim?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

discarded said:


> Well - no phonecalls so far......but texts instead, just asking silly things like "can you help with this clue to the crossword'.
> Thought I'd made myself clear to him. :scratchhead:


Noooo...he is still testing your boundaries. See, you told him not to "call" and he said he wouldn't "call"...and he hasn't. He's testing to see if you really mean ALL COMMUNICATION or is it possible you'd cave and go back to the way it was?

If it were me, I'd turn my phone OFF for a couple days! No calls, no texts. Just tell your girls ahead of time so they don't panic, and tell them how they can reach you (like... land line or open an MSN chat just for them so they know you're okay). Literally...go for about 3-4 days without hearing from him. It will break him from continuing to "test you" with texts and it will break you from sort of thinking of him when he tries to contact you.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Had to swap vehicles back today.
He tried to tell me that if I loved him, I would not stop speaking to him.
I told him that he shouldn't look at it as though I don't care - just that I need to get my life together and can't do that with him in the background all the time.
He said that his life wasn't going as well as he had hoped and that maybe I should call him sometimes just to see how he's going.
He still says that he feels unsettled and doesn't know what he wants.
He knows that he doesn't want a monogomous relationship with me...not at this time.
He says that if he started dating me again now, it would only end in another break up.
I told him that I was not interested in any relationship where my feelings and opinions are not considered and also not going back to all the emotional neglect that I had.
For the first time today he actually said that the way he had an affair and left me was very wrong and he was sorry to have hurt me.
It makes me feel no better though..cos I know that's what he still wants to do.
He did say he would respect my wishes and have no contact even though he thinks I should not 'snub' him as he puts it.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

No contact from him for 24 hours now. 
Maybe he'll respect what I want after all.....
I'm miserable though and think about him and us lots.
I've done a lot of crying the past few days...it just seems like it's really over and there's no hope.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

discarded said:


> He tried to tell me that if I loved him, I would not stop speaking to him.


:rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:

This coming from the man who married you and committed to love you for a lifetime, and he decided it was "okay" to break that commitment and hurt all his loved ones so he could be with several women at once? PUHLEZE! If you loved him, you would allow him to experience the consequence of his choices as if he is an adult. 



> He said that his life wasn't going as well as he had hoped and that maybe I should call him sometimes just to see how he's going.


DISLOYAL DIZZINESS TRANSLATION: "I thought when I left you I'd be living the swinging singles life and have women up the yinyang...and I don't! And I can't figure out why! I'm lonely and so I'm going to use you to make me feel better." 

FOG-BUSTING REPLY: "You're right--your life isn't going well because the grass isn't greener and you've cut out the people in your life who USED TO care enough to ask how you're doing." 



> He still says that he feels unsettled and doesn't know what he wants.


DIZZINESS TRANSLATION: "I want to have uninhibited sex with anyone I run into without having to be faithful."

FOG-BUSTING REPLY: "You're right--I do not know if I want you either."



> He knows that he doesn't want a monogomous relationship with me...not at this time.


DIZZINESS TRANSLATION: (See above about uninhibited sex and faithfulness)

FOG-BUSTING REPLY: "I am smart, beautiful, funny--with high morals and character, and I will accept nothing less than that in a man who is partner in my life. Too bad that's not you right now."



> He says that if he started dating me again now, it would only end in another break up.


DIZZINESS TRANSLATION: "I don't want to admit I made a mistake leaving you--I want to have my cake and eat it too!"

FOG-BUSTING REPLY: "I agree--I would never date you right now. You are not the caliber of man I would have in my life."



> He did say he would respect my wishes and have no contact even though he thinks I should not 'snub' him as he puts it.


DIZZINESS TRANSLATION: "I really should be able to have my mistress and you as a safety net/backup plan. It's not fair you're being difficult about it."

FOG-BUSTING REPLY: "Well and I think you shouldn't dump your commitments and commit adultery."

Oh discarded--he is still just giving you the same old-same old he's always given you. Let him figure out that to have a woman of your caliber, he needs to be a man of morals and commitment. Okay?


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Yes - okay.
I am smart, attractive and with high standards and good morals.
I am feeling better and better about my life.
I have days where I break down and have a good cry but generally people are wonderful. I have had many dinners with neighbours that I simply haven't had much contact with over the years because I was too wrapped up in my own life.
I have had many offers to help me around the house. I am learning that I can talk to people about what has happened to me without shame or guilt. People are just wonderful.
I'm learning to be comfortable being 'me'....not being part of a 'couple'.
I'm busy at work and at home. There is plenty to do in life. I have 2 fabulous girls who support me greatly.
Yes.. there is alot to be thankful for.
If, in the future, my h. realised what he hade done.....he would need to have had a deep look into himself before I would consider dating him.
It's good not to have someone putting down my feelings all the time and emotionally neglecting me.
One day at a time and life is OK........


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

He is honouring my wish not to be contacted - no contact now for more than 2 days.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

discarded said:


> Thanks, I have been having weekly counseling but my counselor is away for 3 weeks.
> I have tried to put boundaries in place but he just says I have 'issues'. I have now told him that I don't want to be part of his life at all while he's having or looking for another woman.
> He rang back again last night and we had an hour conversation about this stuff.
> He finally said he understood that I would not want to be part of some triangle.
> ...


I know this isn't a new post, but holy cow - this guy is a MASTER manipulator!! What an absolute narcissist! 

He was spelling out to you these words: I EXPECT TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO, AND YOU'RE GOING TO LET ME.

I need to read further into this thread, but I am praying for you already. You are a sweet woman and you deserve SOOOOO much better than this!!


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

discarded said:


> Had to swap vehicles back today.
> *He tried to tell me that if I loved him, I would not stop speaking to him.
> I told him that he shouldn't look at it as though I don't care - just that I need to get my life together and can't do that with him in the background all the time.
> He said that his life wasn't going as well as he had hoped and that maybe I should call him sometimes just to see how he's going.
> ...


Wow. Unbelievable. Still operating from an extremely narcissistic perspective, I see.

After reading more of your thread, I am so glad to see how well you are doing! You seem to be enjoying life more and that's wonderful. I hope that continues and only gets better. You deserve happiness - whether you stay in your marriage or end it!


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks for your encouragement.
I called him narcissistic once - he had no idea what it meant. I told him to go and discuss it with his counselor. He probably won't even remember what the word is!

Yes - I am beginning to look at life in a new and different way. I'm learning to like 'me'. My feelings and opinions were always shot down in my marriage and by having meaningful conversations with other people and my counselor, I realise that it is ok for me to express them.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

discarded said:


> Thanks for your encouragement. Yes - I am beginning to look at life in a new and different way. I'm learning to like 'me'.
> 
> *My feelings and opinions were always shot down in my marriage* and by having meaningful conversations with other people and my counselor, I realise that it is ok for me to express them.


The bolded part breaks my heart and proves that this man has been pretty selfish for a long, long time. However, the rest of your post makes me want to stand up and cheer for you! I can imagine how you would have a totally new perspective on life now! That is wonderful. Please don't let him take that from you again. Big hugs to you!

P.S. I'm thinking your username should be changed from "discarded" to "hedidmeahugefavor"! :rofl:


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

InAPickle - Thanks for your kind words. Yes, he has been pretty selfish during the marriage but I cannot say he is fully to blame for the breakdown of it. I reacted to the treatment he gave by putting up walls which did nothing for our relationship either. 
I actually have been thinking of changing my user name....it's been nearly 5 months since all this started happening and although I still hurt beyond belief, I have learned alot about my own strength.
I hate having no contact...I know he doesn't like it either, but in my head, I know it's best for me.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

A text last night from h. asking if I was going to a Jazz Festival this weekend.
He knows I always go because I am involved in taking a school group there to perform.
He said he had friends going who had a spare motel room.
I don't know if he was trying to ask me to go or checking it out to see if he could take someone else!
I told him I would prefer him not to be there if he was not with me. It could be awkward.
He asked me if I was making him an offer to go?
I said No, the only offer is for him to be faithful to me and only to contact me when he is over his 'state of confusion'.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> I actually have been thinking of changing my user name....it's been nearly 5 months since all this started happening and although I still hurt beyond belief, I have learned alot about my own strength.


I would suggest the name "Blossom" because since all this happened you have blossomed and grown like a flower that suddenly gets the sunshine and water it's been needing. Plus that name would always remind you of the way you bloomed.



> A text last night from h. asking if I was going to a Jazz Festival this weekend.
> He knows I always go because I am involved in taking a school group there to perform.
> He said he had friends going who had a spare motel room.
> I don't know if he was trying to ask me to go or checking it out to see if he could take someone else!
> ...


 :redcard: :nono: :bsflag:

Boy he sure is something, isn't he? I mean seriously!

"I would prefer you not to be there if you're not with me. It could be awkward."

"Are you making me an offer to go?"

"Are you willing to stop chasing floozies and remain faithful to a real woman, honor your vow, and devote all of your affection to the woman to whom you committed it? Because the man in my life is loving, respectful and faithful TO ME ONLY and has no room in his life for women of questionable morals? So is that you?" 

Lord... seriously! I can't believe him sometimes. 

Well Blossom, you are doing really well and had the exact right reply to him. If he's not ready to be faithful to you, you're not ready to accept less. So good job! I know it's hard; I know at times you feel lonely; and I know there are days when it seems like he's getting exactly what he wants. You know what though? You are a truly amazing, beautiful woman and you are worthy of a man who looks at you and sees that beauty and voluntarily devotes himself to loving you every day.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

I've been away for a couple of days at a Jazz Festival with my bunch of students who performed there.
I actually forgot about home and what's been happening - it was wonderful!

Thanks for the advice while I've been gone.

H. rang me the day I left (broke his word not to ring!) - told me that his OW had been with others about 4 times and he knew how I felt when he had an affair. I just laughed!
As if 27 years of marriage would compare to that! H. says that it's even a worse feeling for him because he was at the 'exciting, new' stage of their relationship and that's a worse feeling. Haha- what a joke!

From time to time he asks me what I am offering. I tell him I offer all the things a wife offers and then ask him what he is offering? He can't offer anything!
Why did he break his agreement not to ring me? - he said it had been 4 days since he had talked to me and that should be enough time for me not to want contact. He doesn't get it!!!!

He says he's not having a relationship with anyone at the moment - OW doesn't want him anymore. I know he has talked to her about me, personal stuff - I hate to think of it! 
He wants to go out with me from time to time and enjoy my company as a friend. He says that if he's not currently seeing anyone, that's what we should do.....just to enjoy the company and talk. 
Says he doesn't want to 'burn his bridges'. I told him that was very selfish of him. 
I said that he was trying to fill the gaps in his life with me......but I wasn't doing that to him.....I'm filling the gaps in my life by working on myself and finding new things/friends to be with.
He said that if he started a new relationship with me right now, it would end in tragedy again because he still feels 'unsettled'.....although on the other hand, he wants me there just in case.!

He's not ready for me again - and I know it! He wants to keep me there on the backburner until he sees what's out there and then he'll make a decision. 

On a positive note - I had a fantastic weekend away. About six of my work colleagues came on the trip with the students as well. I spent a lot of time with one in particular and as it turns out, we share many interests. The only downside is that he is 11 years younger than me (and he doesn't know it yet!)
He's invited me to his house for dinner and a movie.... and I'm looking forward to it!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> he asks me what I am offering. . . he said it had been 4 days since he had talked to me and that should be enough time for me not to want contact.


I'm beginning to suspect he is mentally ill--seriously. He is asking what YOU are "offering????" OMG. Please do not even give this the respect of responding. He wants you to be in a bidding war for his love, affection, constancy? REALLY? He is so far removed from reality that it is totally bizarre.

And he is telling you what SHOULD be enough for you? Seriously? Can he tell when your stomach is full, or your bladder? Can he feel your headaches or the warmth of your clothes? Since when is HE you? How can he even imagine that he has any clue what it feels like to be you? 

I'm having a hard time understanding why on earth you would even want to go back with him, especially given how unbelievably self-centered he is. He's in charge of how you are supposed to feel? Ugh, ugh, ugh. It just gets worse and worse from him.

I suspect he may appear to have a change of heart soon, because he is becoming aware that you will not play his game from this distance and he may choose to get closer so he can exert more control. Please do not fall for it--he needs to prove he is sincere about coming back to you and only you, and you cannot simply accept his promise that he means it. If you accept him back too quickly, you will find yourself back in this position again within a relatively short time. He MUST woo you, and only you. He must make YOU "choose" him, because you have realized you do not NEED him. He has completely lost his former position, where you were too afraid to be alone so you did not insist on proper respect and treatment. He is NOT going to like this--but too fuc*ing bad. He will want everything to go back to how it was before, but you cannot go back there--you will be miserable if you do. 

I almost wish I could see the look on his face when he finally decides to say, ok, i'll commit to you (like he's doing you some type of favor) and you say, "Ok, now you can try to earn my love and respect so that I will re-commit to YOU." I suspect he thinks all he has to do is just "agree" that you will be his one and only, and you will be grateful to take him back. For your sake, I hope not! But you need to be thinking about this, b/c I'll bet the moment is not that far away now. Good luck.

edit: oh, I missed the part about dinner and a movie. You rock. make as many friends as you can, male and female. Find out what it feels like to surround yourself with people who respect you. Don't rush into anything, just enjoy the "new you" and the interesting people your self-confidence will attract. Good for you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. I think you have skewed your 'vision' of what a marriage is, because of him. You think that the kind of marriage HE offered is normal. But it isn't! 

You deserve so much more. But please reconsider dating for awhile. I know you need to feel wanted, beautiful, all that...but you will benefit from this time, for a change, to just be with yourself and FOR yourself.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

sisters - I don't think my h. will have a change of heart soon....he wants to know what else is on offer out there and will find it necessary to complete that search before he even contemplates a relationship with me. From what he says to our older daughter, he doesn't even want a relationship with me - just wants to be friends.

As for my new friend ....I wouldn't call it a date......we are friends that seem to be enjoying each others company.
He's only been in this town for 6 months and is also trying to make new friends. It's just something that seems to suit us both at the moment.....we are going to go on a couple of bushwalks together also.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please just remember that half the time guys say they just want to spend time with you, no expectations, he is STILL wondering how long until he gets to screw you. That's not a putdown of you, just how men think.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

I know this is totally inappropriate and I am not a violent person, but I have the urge to sock your husband right in his narcissistic face. (I'm sorry, just being really honest here) I don't have urges like that often, let me tell ya. The nerve of the guy is just UNBELIEVABLE! It's no big surprise to me that the OW already doesn't want him!

Discarded, I still stand by my original theory that in the long run, he did you a HUGE favor by pulling the crap he's pulled. You deserve SOOOOOO much better.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

InaPickle, is that our protective side coming out maybe? I know my reaction is rarely "punch him in the face." It's more like "jaw drop to the ground from the sheer audacity." 

Discarded, I have two thoughts for you:

1) I see you wrote all this contact:
"From time to time he asks me what I am offering."
"...he said it had been 4 days since he had talked to me and that should be enough time for me not to want contact."
"...He says he's not having a relationship with anyone at the moment."
"He wants to go out with me from time to time and enjoy my company as a friend."
"He says that if he's not currently seeing anyone, that's what we should do.....just to enjoy the company and talk."
"...Says he doesn't want to 'burn his bridges'. "
"...He said that if he started a new relationship with me right now, it would end in tragedy again because he still feels 'unsettled'.....although on the other hand, he wants me there just in case.!"

Do you see a lot of contact there? I'm pointing this out to you because you are supposed to be asking if he's ready to commit to you and then hanging up. Instead you give him lots, and LOTS and *LOTS *of opportunity to spew disloyal dizziness at you!! (This tends to confuse you and make you second-guess yourself.) In addition you keep yourself emotionally entangled with him which is harmful to you. Worse yet, you give him the opportunity to get a need met by you--the need to have a safety net, to know you haven't really moved on, and the need to blame you for all the rejection he's experiencing in his life. 

Rather than spending time talking about HIM and what his issues are, etc. though...I think we can all agree that his behavior and sense of entitlement is shocking. Since YOU are the one here, though, and we are working with you to help you see that not everyone will treat you this poorly, let's start with two assignments: 

1) You know how I usually do the INTERPRETATION and the DIZZINESS-BUSTING REPLY? This time look at those statements he made up above (the "He said's") and see if you can interpret what they mean and come up with a reply that breaks through his foggy thinking. This is not to say you would say this to him, but to help you learn to see when he's blowing fog at you and when it's realistic.

2) Practice saying "Are calling because your ready to devote all of your affection and loyalty only to me? You're not? Okay call when you will commit to me. Bye." ten times...out loud. That is literally all he should get from you. Don't answer his dizzy statements. And one day you're going to ask that and he's going to say "yes, I'm ready" and then you need to be ready to determine if it is a trick or real. For now though...practice that ten times out loud. Ready? Set? Go!


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

I know, I know....I weakened when he rang.
It is so so hard not to have contact.....I think about him lots and when he rings I just weaken even though I know it upsets me.
He is happy living the single life and I know I must come to terms with that....it's not easy after 27 years of marriage.
I NEVER ring or text him though...it's always him that makes the contact.
I'm making new friends of my own, which makes me feel good.....not 'our friends' but 'my friends'.
I found out that while I was away on the weekend, he was here in his shed and visiting the neighbours and some of our friends. A couple of them said to me 'What could we do? We had to be civil to him.'
They said he was his usual old self as if NOTHING had happened.
Why is it so easy for him to behave as though nothing has happened and it's so hard for me to accept.
OK - I will go and practice that line now!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

discarded said:


> I NEVER ring or text him though...it's always him that makes the contact.


That's because he is still getting needs met by you. 

STOP letting him! By taking his calls, you stroke his ego and reinforce his belief that you are weak and need him, which makes HIM feel great! 

What he really needs are consequences. If your friends won't give him consequences by snubbing him, the LEAST you can do is do it for them. CUT HIM OFF - let him feel the sting for a change.


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## discarded (Mar 25, 2010)

Have not heard a peep from my h. for 6 whole days now.
It is very hard...it's like he's dead or he thinks I'm dead.
How can he go from 27 yrs of marriage to enjoying a bachelor lifestyle so easily??


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Note to self, discarded: I HIGHLY doubt he's "enjoying" a bachelor lifestyle. I mean think about it. He has no one to talk to, and no one wants him anymore. He gave up his morals to have "free sex" and now, he has no sex! He has to clean up after himself, he has to do all his own household chores and cook for himself. He's not going to any classes or improving himself in any way, he's alienated his own children, and there is no one around to blame for the gigantic flushing sound that is his life. 

By contrast, you were thrown a HORRIBLE blow and yet managed to survive with dignity and honor. You kept your morals and surrounded yourself with people who help and support you. You are going to support groups and working on yourself, and through those you've found that people LIKE to talk to you. There are people in your life who want you to be in their lives. You already were cleaning and cooking after two--no there's just you and that's easy! Your daughters are closer to you than ever, and your life is becoming your own! Yes, you temporarily don't have sex right now either, but you are young and vibrant--no reason to think you couldn't one day in a mutually committed relationship. And YOUR life is blooming and improving!


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