# First Day of Seperation



## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

Last night my fiance told me we needed to "take a break."She had mentioned about a moth prior to today that she wanted to "take a break," but then decided that she didn't need one and she wanted to be with me, i had hoped that was the end, but it wasn't. I am 25 and she is 24 and we have been together for 5 years and have a 4 1/2 year old together which was unplanned. Currently we live in my parents basement (they have been nice enough to let us to that so we can get our feet under us.) We both have recently graduated from college and she was offered (and accepted) a job at a hospital.This is the most heart wrenching experience i have ever endured...

Her wanting to take a break is the result of a resentment she holds towards me after our daughter was born, I was emotionally and sexually absent (I never strayed from our relationship). She asked me why I had acted like that and i told her what i thought was an honest answer "I was 20 living on my own and then im back at my parent's house, with a child and fiance, and no financial prospects." I was terrified of everything life was about to bring and I resorted to being an introvert (which i have always been). I've been a jerk on vacations, and just absent at home. 

We admittedly don't have much in common, and when she became a Level 1 reike (its a holistic medicine thing) user, i seldom let her practice it on me. It didnt work for me, i never told her it was stupid or pointless, I just said i dont notice the difference.This is another thing she has brought up as just completely crushing her. I told her I wanted her to try it on me and she could do it as much as she wanted on me now, but she said "Its to late."

But over the last 2 years i have been doing everything thing I can to make it up, But I feel like the more I try the more she resents me for it. When she was studying for finals i told her " Dont worry about anything you only focus on studying, and Ill take care of our daughter and the keeping the basement clean." But every time we fought she would resort to telling me that i didnt support her on anything she did. I guess what im getting at is that I feel she cant see me for who I am and want to be now for our family, but only what i use to be. I dont blame her. 

Right now I'm feeling like I broke our relationship too much to be fixed, that had I only worked a bit harder in the beginning I would have everything I wanted in life, and that is tearing me apart. being on the younger side of a relationship like this not many of my friends can understand whats going on, not that I have many friends (introvert remember?), so I dont have any way to vent about this.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Jugger said:


> Last night my fiance told me we needed to "take a break."She had mentioned about a moth prior to today that she wanted to "take a break," but then decided that she didn't need one and she wanted to be with me, i had hoped that was the end, but it wasn't. I am 25 and she is 24 and we have been together for 5 years and have a 4 1/2 year old together which was unplanned. Currently we live in my parents basement (they have been nice enough to let us to that so we can get our feet under us.) We both have recently graduated from college and she was offered (and accepted) a job at a hospital.This is the most heart wrenching experience i have ever endured...
> 
> Her wanting to take a break is the result of a resentment she holds towards me after our daughter was born, I was emotionally and sexually absent (I never strayed from our relationship). She asked me why I had acted like that and i told her what i thought was an honest answer "I was 20 living on my own and then im back at my parent's house, with a child and fiance, and no financial prospects." I was terrified of everything life was about to bring and I resorted to being an introvert (which i have always been). I've been a jerk on vacations, and just absent at home.
> 
> ...


Vent here.

You're taking on an awful lot of blame for this. What about her? Did she work at the relationship or expect you to do it all?

You are both very young and you both found yourself with a child, going to school and living in your parents's basement. That's a lot of stress. On any relationship.

Have you considered marriage counselling? Sounds like you both could use some outside, impartial help.


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## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Vent here.
> 
> You're taking on an awful lot of blame for this. What about her? Did she work at the relationship or expect you to do it all?
> 
> ...


I think she did, but its not like it was all peaches and cream from her end, i was the only one providing financially for cars and to pay rent to my parents. I feel like i have taken on more of a burden of responsibility here, she doesnt even try to take an interest of anything i like, but i dont want to get into a point counter point with her, I love her and dont want to seem petty. 
As it has been, i feel like I do everything around "the basement" to make it liveable. Cleaning, vacuuming, ect. 

She was very much in love with me then, i know that, as i was her but as i stated before...I would love to do marriage counseling, she goes to independent counseling and i thought she was working on us, but i found out just the other day she was simply talking about her new job. I told her that there are bigger issues than her new job.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Jugger said:


> I think she did, but its not like it was all peaches and cream from her end, i was the only one providing financially for cars and to pay rent to my parents. I feel like i have taken on more of a burden of responsibility here, she doesnt even try to take an interest of anything i like, but i dont want to get into a point counter point with her, I love her and dont want to seem petty.
> As it has been, i feel like I do everything around "the basement" to make it liveable. Cleaning, vacuuming, ect.
> 
> She was very much in love with me then, i know that, as i was her but as i stated before...I would love to do marriage counseling, she goes to independent counseling and i thought she was working on us, but i found out just the other day she was simply talking about her new job. I told her that there are bigger issues than her new job.



Oooops! Don't try to direct her counselling sessions. They are hers alone. Besides, if you asked her what she talks about with her counsellor, she may not have wanted to share with you and just mentioned the job. Don't pry. That's a sure way to push her away.

Suggest marriage counselling. If she won't go for it, you go. It can help you learn skills so that when you broach touchy subjects, you can do it in a constructive way. It's understandable to feel resentment if you are the one taking care of finances and all the housekeeping, but you can't address it in a negative way. It will blow up in your face.

ask her questions about her new job. Show her you are interested.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Look for a book on here "no more mr nice guy" a free ebook....that will explain alot of things, it really sums me up to the max and alot of other guys on this forum...

Also read the 180 rules also on this forum...

I so know how you feel, I know that pain, fear, frustation....

Hang in there,


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi Jugger, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I was in your shoes about 4 years ago living in my parents basement with my new wife. That experience was incredibly stressful and frustrating. We needed to get out of there quickly. Would getting your own apartment be at all possible in your financial situation? That might be appealing to your fiance.


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## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Oooops! Don't try to direct her counselling sessions. They are hers alone. Besides, if you asked her what she talks about with her counsellor, she may not have wanted to share with you and just mentioned the job. Don't pry. That's a sure way to push her away.
> 
> Suggest marriage counselling. If she won't go for it, you go. It can help you learn skills so that when you broach touchy subjects, you can do it in a constructive way. It's understandable to feel resentment if you are the one taking care of finances and all the housekeeping, but you can't address it in a negative way. It will blow up in your face.
> 
> ask her questions about her new job. Show her you are interested.


I know, i shouldn't have said anything im not generally a controlling person I was just really confused ect. But you are right, i shouldnt have even asked. I no longer have feelings of resentment when i do all the financial stuff and house keeping, I did, but now i more than happy to clean (except the bathroom thats her territory).

Also, im very interested in her new job, and have told her so many times Im proud of her and all her hard work has paid off. 



xirokx said:


> Look for a book on here "no more mr nice guy" a free ebook....that will explain alot of things, it really sums me up to the max and alot of other guys on this forum...
> 
> Also read the 180 rules also on this forum...
> 
> ...


Ive taken a look at the 180 rules and am going to try my best to apply them. 



Unwind80 said:


> Hi Jugger, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I was in your shoes about 4 years ago living in my parents basement with my new wife. That experience was incredibly stressful and frustrating. We needed to get out of there quickly. Would getting your own apartment be at all possible in your financial situation? That might be appealing to your fiance.


No, but in about a month or so i think we could. She just got a job as a nurse and I have a few promising things on the horizon, so Im optimistic about the future. 

She said this break will be (tentatively) only a week, i really hope so.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Jugger said:


> I know, i shouldn't have said anything im not generally a controlling person I was just really confused ect. But you are right, i shouldnt have even asked. I no longer have feelings of resentment when i do all the financial stuff and house keeping, I did, but now i more than happy to clean (except the bathroom thats her territory).
> 
> Also, im very interested in her new job, and have told her so many times Im proud of her and all her hard work has paid off.
> 
> ...


I hope so too. What is her reasoning for a one-week break?


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## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> I hope so too. What is her reasoning for a one-week break?


She just has, as she said, alot of built up resentment towards me about how i was disconnected from her and she said shes afraid how im acting now isn't going to last (even though ive been acting this way for a year plus). The timing may seem odd, but she just finished school in June and she said that was the time she started really being annoyed with me and its been building. The dark part of my mind is telling me (though i often tell it to shut it) that now she has the outlook of good financial situations that she is going to bail on me. However, I want to stress THAT IS NOT the type of person she is, i think im just being paranoid. I told her that this break will be a way of "Starting the next chapter of our lives together clean."


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Jugger said:


> I told her that this break will be a way of "Starting the next chapter of our lives together clean."


That was a good way of putting it.

Perhaps the pressures of finishing school (I assume there were exams, assignments, etc) played a role in how she is feeling. I know when I was in school, exam time was really horrible and made other aspects of my life seem worse than they actually were. Maybe a break is exactly what she needs to put things back into perspective.

My fingers are crossed for you.


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## sleeplessindesert (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi Jugger. Your fiancee and I have a lot in common. I lived with my husband in my in law's basement through nursing school. i was very grateful to them for the opportunity and support they gave me, but it was really hard. I went to school full time during the week and worked on the weekends at a hospital. My husband worked as much as he could so that we could get out of there as soon as I graduated. I think that experience drew us closer together because we both had to survive the situation and only had eachother to depend on. Nursing school is awful. I am in grad school now to be a family nurse practitioner and only have one year and two days left (who is counting  ) and have to say that my RN was way more challenging. I can also relate to the resentment your financee feels. It is natural for her to wonder how long the change will last or if its just a phase. I think you get to a point where you have given everything you can to the person and relationship and have nothing left to give. Give her the space she is asking her.


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## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

sleeplessindesert said:


> Hi Jugger. Your fiancee and I have a lot in common. I lived with my husband in my in law's basement through nursing school. i was very grateful to them for the opportunity and support they gave me, but it was really hard. I went to school full time during the week and worked on the weekends at a hospital. My husband worked as much as he could so that we could get out of there as soon as I graduated. I think that experience drew us closer together because we both had to survive the situation and only had eachother to depend on. Nursing school is awful. I am in grad school now to be a family nurse practitioner and only have one year and two days left (who is counting  ) and have to say that my RN was way more challenging. I can also relate to the resentment your financee feels. It is natural for her to wonder how long the change will last or if its just a phase. I think you get to a point where you have given everything you can to the person and relationship and have nothing left to give. Give her the space she is asking her.


Yes, when she was discussing it with me i told her all of her thoughts and feelings were completely valid, and i truly think they are. I know nursing school was very difficult she studied like 8-10 a day for NCLEX exam. I have plently left to give; i love her with all my heart. These two days have been hellish, but if it means we can spend the rest of our lives together I'm all for a little hell fire. 

As a side note I have been trying to do the 180 in the mean time, and she asked me why I was being an a$$hole, if i was going to cry, if I was upset and I simply responded with: "Im just trying to give you the space you need to work this out." I dont want to be perceived as an a$$hole though, thoughts?

Edit: Something that just came to mind, the "I love you" thing should i be saying it or not? I have been saying it back, but have yet to say it. My initial reaction is to NOT say it because she damn well knows i love her, but hanging up the phone when neither of us say it...and we are both being stubborn hurts.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> That was a good way of putting it.
> 
> Perhaps the pressures of finishing school (I assume there were exams, assignments, etc) played a role in how she is feeling. I know when I was in school, exam time was really horrible and made other aspects of my life seem worse than they actually were. Maybe a break is exactly what she needs to put things back into perspective.
> 
> My fingers are crossed for you.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

Day 2: Today started off okay. I spent the night (and will continue for the week) at a fiends house. When i woke i felt okay I wasn't too bummed out, was able to sleep well. But as the day dragged on, its gotten worse. I feel like my skin is on fire, i want to vomit and my stomach feels like it's empty. Every time i talk to her i have to resist with SO much urge to simply tell her I love her and will do anything to make her happy, and hug her. But i know she already knows this so it will only make me look pathetic. I feel like I have been outwardly doing well with the situation on a whole but inside, im tearing up. Something im beginning to fear too is that she is going to become to comfortable and happy without me during this time. I dont know my thoughts are all over the place, as she said this was only going to be a temporary (one week thing). She did say before we started that she loves me and knows she wants to spend the rest of our lives together, buy a house, and get married. I hold onto that and move forward. 

As a side note I have been trying to do the 180 in the mean time, and she asked me why I was being an a$$hole, if i was going to cry, if I was upset and I simply responded with: "Im just trying to give you the space you need to work this out." I dont want to be perceived as an a$$hole though, thoughts?

Something that just came to mind, the "I love you" thing should i be saying it or not? I have been saying it back, but have yet to say it. My initial reaction is to NOT say it because she damn well knows i love her, but hanging up the phone when neither of us say it...and we are both being stubborn hurts.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Jugger said:


> Day 2: Today started off okay. I spent the night (and will continue for the week) at a fiends house. When i woke i felt okay I wasn't too bummed out, was able to sleep well. But as the day dragged on, its gotten worse. I feel like my skin is on fire, i want to vomit and my stomach feels like it's empty. Every time i talk to her i have to resist with SO much urge to simply tell her I love her and will do anything to make her happy, and hug her. But i know she already knows this so it will only make me look pathetic. I feel like I have been outwardly doing well with the situation on a whole but inside, im tearing up. Something im beginning to fear too is that she is going to become to comfortable and happy without me during this time. I dont know my thoughts are all over the place, as she said this was only going to be a temporary (one week thing). She did say before we started that she loves me and knows she wants to spend the rest of our lives together, buy a house, and get married. I hold onto that and move forward.
> 
> As a side note I have been trying to do the 180 in the mean time, and she asked me why I was being an a$$hole, if i was going to cry, if I was upset and I simply responded with: "Im just trying to give you the space you need to work this out." I dont want to be perceived as an a$$hole though, thoughts?
> 
> Something that just came to mind, the "I love you" thing should i be saying it or not? I have been saying it back, but have yet to say it. My initial reaction is to NOT say it because she damn well knows i love her, but hanging up the phone when neither of us say it...and we are both being stubborn hurts.


Your response ("I'm just trying to give you the space you need to work this out.") was perfect. I'm not sure the 180 is totally applicable in your situation. She hasn't actually left you and some of those suggestions could come across as mean. Choose carefully which ones you use.

re. the 'I love you': Don't assume that because a woman knows you love her that you don't have to say it. (Why do men think this?!) You have to say it. 

In your situation, and others may disagree, I think if she is saying it, you can respond. I don't know that you should initiate. Depending on how she is feeling at the moment, she could perceive it as pressure.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, if one of her big beefs was that you were emotionally and sexually absent from the relationship, the "180" may not be the best way to show her the "new you"...

C


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Jugger,

Read this short book today (I really mean today):

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


Stop blaming yourself for being who you are and for your fiance's selfishness. So far I don't see anything abnormal or abusive about your behavior since your daughter's birth. It's what every man in his 20s experiences when they have a child early on. Tell your fiance to get her sh1t together and be an adult.

Don't let her determine the path of your life. You're in charge of your own life and your level of contribution as a father. Your fiance has no power over your destiny unless you give it to her.

Read the book NOW.


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## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Your response ("I'm just trying to give you the space you need to work this out.") was perfect. I'm not sure the 180 is totally applicable in your situation. She hasn't actually left you and some of those suggestions could come across as mean. Choose carefully which ones you use.
> 
> re. the 'I love you': Don't assume that because a woman knows you love her that you don't have to say it. (Why do men think this?!) You have to say it.
> 
> In your situation, and others may disagree, I think if she is saying it, you can respond. I don't know that you should initiate. Depending on how she is feeling at the moment, she could perceive it as pressure.


Yeah ive been sort of picking and choosing. Like I havent really texted her as much, because i dont want her to get the feeling that im trying to check up on her. 



PBear said:


> Btw, if one of her big beefs was that you were emotionally and sexually absent from the relationship, the "180" may not be the best way to show her the "new you"...
> 
> C


Yeah agreed, I'm just being happy and smiley when im with her (which I really am) and when we arent together, Ive just giving her the space she needs. I haven't really been no-conversationalist towards her at all. I've listened and talked about whats been going on and what we've been up to (nothing too heavy aside from being offered a promotion at work that is time sensitive and i didn't think i could wait until after this week to talk about[which went really nicely]) 

Part of me feels like im taking this break thing a bit to seriously, as she as reiterated to me that we both want the same thing : to be together. But I dont know... either way talking about it has helped.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Jugger said:


> Part of me feels like im taking this break thing a bit to seriously, as she as reiterated to me that we both want the same thing : to be together. But I dont know... either way talking about it has helped.


You could be right. She may just need some time away from the stress of school. That stress may be making everything look worse than it is and making her feel that she is drowning. So, eys, continue to be careful with the 180.


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