# Still struggling after 8 months



## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Found out October 2020 that my husband of 37yrs had been having an affair for almost 10 years, I was absolutely devastated, we have been together since we were 20yrs old, we have 3 grown children together. She is also married. Eight months before D day our beautiful youngest son died suddenly, he was only 22 and lived at home with us, we were and always will be heartbroken, he was so loved by us all, I was still grieving for my boy when I found out about my husband's affair I was already broken and crushed. Each day is a struggle. The OW was a co worker, the workplace closed in 2011 but they continued their affair over the years, mostly through emails and the occasional meet ups, The affair was discovered when he left his computer on and his emails were open, hundreds of them going back years, it was very evident what had been going on. at first, he was giving nothing away, told me lie after lie, but I was relentless, because I had names and email I found a lot of information on social media, he is really trying to make things better, I have access and passwords to everything, I know where he is at all times. But I am up and down, sobbing one minute to thinking we'll survive this the next minute. The longevity of the affair stuns me, I honestly never had a clue. He says it was just sex! but 10 years behind your families back, it takes a lot of deception to get away with that.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> Found out October 2020 that my husband of 37yrs had been having an affair for almost 10 years, I was absolutely devastated, we have been together since we were 20yrs old, we have 3 grown children together. She is also married. Eight months before D day our beautiful youngest son died suddenly, he was only 22 and lived at home with us, we were and always will be heartbroken, he was so loved by us all, I was still grieving for my boy when I found out about my husband's affair I was already broken and crushed. Each day is a struggle. The OW was a co worker, the workplace closed in 2011 but they continued their affair over the years, mostly through emails and the occasional meet ups, The affair was discovered when he left his computer on and his emails were open, hundreds of them going back years, it was very evident what had been going on. at first, he was giving nothing away, told me lie after lie, but I was relentless, because I had names and email I found a lot of information on social media, he is really trying to make things better, I have access and passwords to everything, I know where he is at all times. But I am up and down, sobbing one minute to thinking we'll survive this the next minute. The longevity of the affair stuns me, I honestly never had a clue. He says it was just sex! but 10 years behind your families back, it takes a lot of deception to get away with that.


I am sorry you are here and for the loss of your son. I can’t imagine the pain you must be in. 10 years of lying is beyond imaginable. What do you want to do?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

rosieposie said:


> I am up and down, sobbing one minute to thinking we'll survive this the next minute.


I remember. I went bouncing off the wall. I didn't eat for 8 or 9 days. I didn't work for about a month, I mean I went through the motions, with little actual accomplishment.
And my situation had not even close to the severity of yours. My marriage did not survive. But, in the beginning, that wasn't any kind of a clear choice.

Let these good folks here help you. A lot of them will come. Most of them will be the BS, however, there are a couple of some very wise former-waywards here too. I'm sorry you find yourself here in "the club no one wanted to join".


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It takes years to heal from infidelity, not months. My wife had an affair for 4 years, then another that was off and on "just sex" for almost a decade. I didn't _start_ feeling a little bit better until almost 2 years later. 

You really need to find a good therapist. Infidelity is traumatic and you won't be able to get over this alone. Your husband also needs to be seeing his own therapist to figure out why he was able to do this to you. Marriage counseling comes later, if you make it that far.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I am sorry you are here and for the loss of your son. I can’t imagine the pain you must be in. 10 years of lying is beyond imaginable. What do you want to do?


I can't imagine a life without him, we've been together so long, we have our children and grandchildren together, but I look at him sometimes and I can't believe he did this to his family. I could say I know him well enough to know he is hurting because of the pain he has caused, but there again he's not the man I thought he was.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> I can't imagine a life without him, we've been together so long, we have our children and grandchildren together, but I look at him sometimes and I can't believe he did this to his family. I could say I know him well enough to know he is hurting because of the pain he has caused, but there again he's not the man I thought he was.


I understand. I was married over 30 years as well when I found out about my husbands 2 year affair. What is he doing to make things better for you? Are you sure the affair is over? Was she married as well?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm so sorry that your husband has turned out to be the type of person who was willing to betray you every single day for 10 years. That's terrible and is an indication of how little he actually respects you. There's just something deeply wrong with a person who can live a double life and justify it to himself for years on end, even if he "was never going to leave you". But mostly, I'm just so very sorry for the loss of your son. No parent should ever have to experience that. That your husband was cheating on you before, during and after is just appalling in every way.

That said, even if both spouses truly want to reconcile, and they both go about it in exactly all the right ways, true reconciliation can take YEARS. Years of intensive hard work in therapy for him, and for you to help you heal, years of working on the marriage, years of rebuilding a lifestyle that gives him no opportunity to cheat ever again. And years of rebuilding a relationship that actually works for both of you rather than just for him, without his accustomed luxury of both a wife and a side piece. He's been living a double life, created a whole lifestyle around his lies and cheating, that's been going on for nearly a _decade_. That's not something you're just going to "get over". Not ever.

You might eventually be able to move _through _something like that. But doing so would require a huge amount of work, work that a great number of wayward spouses aren't actually willing to do. Most just want to hit some imaginary reset button where everyone just pretends this never really happened and everything can go back to "normal". And normal usually just means back to the way things were before you found out, without any safeguards in place to ensure the affair is really over and that he can't do anything like this ever again.

So, what work is he doing on himself? What is he doing to assure you, as many times as you need and for as long as you need, that the affair is over and that he understands the enormity of his betrayal? What is he doing to prove he's trustworthy every day, without you having to ask? What is he doing to help you heal? Actually _doing? _Not just _saying_, but _doing_?

If the answer to any of those questions is "not much" then I'm sorry to say that this will likely never really get any better. You two might limp along in hurt, bitterness, resentment, and sadness for years yet - but without doing the real work, your marriage will never recover.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I understand. I was married over 30 years as well when I found out about my husbands 2 year affair. What is he doing to make things better for you? Are you sure the affair is over? Was she married as well?


It's definitely over. She was also married, still is as far as I know, I thought about telling her husband, but didn't want him turning up at my door causing trouble, I have enough to deal with.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> It's definitely over. She was also married, still is as far as I know, I thought about telling her husband, but didn't want him turning up at my door causing trouble, I have enough to deal with.


Personally I think it is a mistake not to inform him. How do you know it is over? I ask this seriously because someone who is invested in another person for that long doesn’t just stop.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Rowan said:


> I'm so sorry that your husband has turned out to be the type of person who was willing to betray you every single day for 10 years. That's terrible and is an indication of how little he actually respects you. There's just something deeply wrong with a person who can live a double life and justify it to himself for years on end, even if he "was never going to leave you". But mostly, I'm just so very sorry for the loss of your son. No parent should ever have to experience that. That your husband was cheating on you before, during and after is just appalling in every way.
> 
> That said, even if both spouses truly want to reconcile, and they both go about it in exactly all the right ways, true reconciliation can take YEARS. Years of intensive hard work in therapy for him, and for you to help you heal, years of working on the marriage, years of rebuilding a lifestyle that gives him no opportunity to cheat ever again. And years of rebuilding a relationship that actually works for both of you rather than just for him, without his accustomed luxury of both a wife and a side piece. He's been living a double life, created a whole lifestyle around his lies and cheating, that's been going on for nearly a _decade_. That's not something you're just going to "get over". Not ever.
> 
> ...


He's with me at all times when he's not at work, he sits with me and reassures me he will never ever hurt me like that again, I know for certain he is not seeing or contacting her, he stopped all contact on my discovery, she tried contacting him, he showed me the emails and texts, she is now blocked on computer and mobile.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Personally I think it is a mistake not to inform him. How do you know it is over? I ask this seriously because someone who is invested in another person for that long doesn’t just stop.


When he's not at work, he's with me, he never goes anywhere without me, he has a tracker on his phone, he only goes to work and back, she lives miles away. they both work in different places.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> When he's not at work, he's with me, he never goes anywhere without me, he has a tracker on his phone, he only goes to work and back, she lives miles away. they both work in different places.


When you say she lives miles away what does that mean?
For the 10 years he was with her when did he see her?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your husband was living a whole other life. The one thing you do need to realize is all cheaters lie like hell. A lot. Affairs are addictive. The best way to try and break that addiction is to inform the OW’s husband. Living the life of a marriage warden is a thankless task. Cheaters are ingenious. They always seem to find a way.

You don’t need him. He’s just a want. I suspect until you wake up and realize that you’re going to keep yourself in limbo.

Sorry you’re here. I’d stay out of marriage counseling. Your husband is broken not the marriage.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> When you say she lives miles away what does that mean?
> For the 10 years he was with her when did he see her?


She lives 50 mile away. He would tell me he was working overtime, or going on a course for his work, or he would take a half day holiday, these were some of the excuses so he could meet up, they met up very infrequently, once or twice a year, big gaps in between meet ups.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> She lives 50 mile away. He would tell me he was working overtime, or going on a course for his work, or he would take a half day holiday, these were some of the excuses so he could meet up, they met up very infrequently, once or twice a year, big gaps in between meet ups.


Well 50 miles is a little over an hour away which is not far at all. 
Here is the thing. You are taking his word for it. Cheaters lie…they lie again…and then they lie some more.
My husband pulled the one time…ok 3 times…and then it was a couple of times a week for 2 years. 
I don’t say this to hurt you but it is part of the cheaters script. It’s in their handbook.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I am sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances. I cannot even fathom the pain of that. And I am sorry about the loss of your son.

In any event, I agree with some posters on here to go for individual counseling. I think it'll help you figure out what you want and don't want, ie. if you want to really save this marriage or not. 

Is your husband being patient about the fact that one moment you're ok and the next, you're not?

I can understand why you're afraid though, if you pull the plug on your marriage, the stability that you once knew will be non-existent, and yes, that can be extremely scary. But, this was hidden for 10 years, and he didn't give you information until he was backed into a corner and had no choice. 

But, you can only worry about yourself, go get some individual counseling and get some peace of mind from an objective person.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her husband deserves to know. Any troubles that brings belongs solely to your husband. How would you like to be deliberately kept in the dark about your life? Have some compassion for the guy. And, don't let her get away with this. She and your husband cheated you out of ten years of your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you’ll stay so I’ll tell you that reconciling after a long-term relationship, and a betrayal of that magnitude, is extremely difficult. You’ll never again trust him the way you once did and you shouldn’t. I wish you the best.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I find it highly unlikely that he carried on an affair for 10 years but only went and slept with her "once or twice a year". 50 miles is not that far. Cheaters lie, you shouldn't believe a word he says.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

rosieposie said:


> Found out October 2020 that my husband of 37yrs had been having an affair for almost 10 years


/HUGS I am so sorry about your loss of your young son! My condolences! 
I am with you sister! Yes, I can relate to you! I found out in 2020 in May that my husband of 24 years (back then) was sleeping with several co-workers and also had occasional oral sex with prostitutes! Of course 10 years its NOT just sex! Does her husband know?? I bet he also has no clue! Did you take screenshots of emails with her email going to him describing where they'd meet? I'd find her husband and I'd send him a few emails....
Your husband leaving the computer on with his email open is kind of suspicious.... why would he do that? For 10 years he was so secretive then suddenly bam! As if he wanted you to find out! Also keep in mind that your husband might have a 2nd phone (like mine has) or another simm card on his phone. My husband had about 20 emails! When I tried to login to one, he became very agitated and mad! When I'd asked him for the password to that email, he told me "he didn't know it" he demanded I'd give him his laptop back. He doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want to leave the house. These 3 weeks have been hard for me emotionally. I live with him under one roof and I've been a housewife for 18 years and raising our child. I went back to school and all that to get a degree but it will take a few years at least. 
I don't think a husband can make it "better". I tried to save my marriage and I tried to force myself to cope with his infidelity, financial abuse (stealing money from his own family) but I just could not and cannot do it! It's OK to grieve and sob! Let your emotions out! It will take time! But tell yourself "you are strong and you CAN move on with your life)!
Once a cheater, always a cheater! They have the "thrill" when they do it behind our backs, once they are alone and divorced, they realize what they've lost....
Go out, go on walks in parks. If you have a dog, take a dog with you! Clear your head, go to yoga classes, start meditation and think about how better off you'll be living without a scumbag who stabbed you on your back!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rosieposie said:


> She lives 50 mile away. He would tell me he was working overtime, or going on a course for his work, or he would take a half day holiday, these were some of the excuses so he could meet up, they met up very infrequently, once or twice a year, big gaps in between meet ups.


You information on this came from your husband I’d bet. Your source is a known liar. Wake up.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Oh forgot to tell you, my husband said THE SAME THING! He'd say "something broke at work, I have to go fix it" (on a weekend) or he'd work later and when it'd be his time to leave work, he'd text me at 6:00 p.m. on a dot and he'd say "something broke, I do NOT know how long it would take to fix it. I am staying over" and he'd stay there for 2, 3 hours! He would not answer his phone nor his text messages. When I'd call him, he'd pick up sometimes the phone and he'd be out of breath! I'd ask him "why are you out of breath?" (He's an executive who works at his desk) he'd say : "I was running from end of office ))) LIE! I also looked at his Paycor (employee app for personal time) and I'd find that some days he'd take off work. Like he'd go to "work" but in reality he'd NOT be at work! He'd park his car there as if he was at work, but he'd probably be picked up in her car! The crap I've found out was just unbelievable! Why not just get a divorce and then go bang whoever you want? WHY lie and WHY not want to divorce?


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well 50 miles is a little over an hour away which is not far at all.
> Here is the thing. You are taking his word for it. Cheaters lie…they lie again…and then they lie some more.
> My husband pulled the one time…ok 3 times…and then it was a couple of times a week for 2 years.
> I don’t say this to hurt you but it is part of the cheaters script. It’s in their handbook.


I seen all the email exchanges between them, he hadn't deleted any, he doesn't delete any of his emails, he literally has thousands. I seen in the emails when they had met up, it was all arranged through emails, there was even a gap of 2yrs between meet ups, the emails were pretty regular, but there was gaps of 12-18 months between some of them.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> I seen all the email exchanges between them, he hadn't deleted any, he doesn't delete any of his emails, he literally has thousands. I seen in the emails when they had met up, it was all arranged through emails, there was even a gap of 2yrs between meet ups, the emails were pretty regular, but there was gaps of 12-18 months between some of them.


He doesn’t have a work email? A work phone?


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

anna2020 said:


> Oh forgot to tell you, my husband said THE SAME THING! He'd say "something broke at work, I have to go fix it" (on a weekend) or he'd work later and when it'd be his time to leave work, he'd text me at 6:00 p.m. on a dot and he'd say "something broke, I do NOT know how long it would take to fix it. I am staying over" and he'd stay there for 2, 3 hours! He would not answer his phone nor his text messages. When I'd call him, he'd pick up sometimes the phone and he'd be out of breath! I'd ask him "why are you out of breath?" (He's an executive who works at his desk) he'd say : "I was running from end of office ))) LIE! I also looked at his Paycor (employee app for personal time) and I'd find that some days he'd take off work. Like he'd go to "work" but in reality he'd NOT be at work! He'd park his car there as if he was at work, but he'd probably be picked up in her car! The crap I've found out was just unbelievable! Why not just get a divorce and then go bang whoever you want? WHY lie and WHY not want to divorce?


Thats's what I told him, why didn't he just leave and he would have been free to do what he liked.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rosieposie said:


> Thats's what I told him, why didn't he just leave and he would have been free to do what he liked.


Because he’s a cake eater.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> He doesn’t have a work email? A work phone?


Yes he does have a work email and phone, I also have access to his rota, so I will know if he has taken time off from work. I know exactly what holidays he is due and when he will be taking them. I am so vigilant now, I'm sure nothing will get past me, I'm on his case a lot.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

rosieposie said:


> Thats's what I told him, *why didn't he just leave and he would have been free to do what he liked*.


There's a simple answer to this. Your husband didn't leave because he liked his life the way it was. He had you at home, he had his image of happy family man, and he had the fun of something extra on the side. He wanted all three. Just the other woman wouldn't have been enough. He liked having both you and her, and his reputation as a standup family man to boot. 

This is the truth of cake-eating. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted to have his wife and family _and_ his affair partner.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Because he’s a cake eater.


Yes he is, I told him that, I also called him a lot worse than that!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> Yes he does have a work email and phone, I also have access to his rota, so I will know if he has taken time off from work. I know exactly what holidays he is due and when he will be taking them. I am so vigilant now, I'm sure nothing will get past me, I'm on his case a lot.


So I assume you want to salvage the marriage. Will you ever trust him again?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

rosieposie said:


> It's definitely over. She was also married, still is as far as I know, I thought about telling her husband, but didn't want him turning up at my door causing trouble, I have enough to deal with.


So sorry for the loss of your son, and your marriage, as you knew it. 

You are free to choose obviously, but I think it is so important that you tell the husband. He has the right to know. In my opinion, if you don't tell him you are complicit in the affair. If he doesn't know, he is living a lie just like you were. I assume you would want to know if the roles were reversed.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So I assume you want to salvage the marriage. Will you ever trust him again?


I do want to salvage the marriage. I've seen on a lot of these forums about "forgiving". I will never ever forgive him for what he has done, I've told him that. How can you forgive something like that. I know I have a long way to go, and no I won't ever fully trust him again.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> I do want to salvage the marriage. I've seen on a lot of these forums about "forgiving". I will never ever forgive him for what he has done, I've told him that. How can you forgive something like that. I know I have a long way to go, and no I won't ever fully trust him again.


So why stay? Take The kids and grandkids off the table. Why be with a man capable of disrespecting you that way?


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So sorry for the loss of your son, and your marriage, as you knew it.
> 
> You are free to choose obviously, but I think it is so important that you tell the husband. He has the right to know. In my opinion, if you don't tell him you are complicit in the affair. If he doesn't know, he is living a lie just like you were. I assume you would want to know if the roles were reversed.


Yes, your right, I would want to know, I emailed her, obviously I had her email address after finding it on his computer. I told her I was going to tell her husband, she said if I did that, she would end up in hospital and he would have someone shoot my husband!!!!! it scared the life out me, I don't know these people and what they are capable of, maybe she was just bluffing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

rosieposie said:


> Yes, your right, I would want to know, I emailed her, obviously I had her email address after finding it on his computer. I told her I was going to tell her husband, she said if I did that, she would end up in hospital and he would have someone shoot my husband!!!!! it scared the life out me, I don't know these people and what they are capable of, maybe she was just bluffing.


She is a cheater and liar, so don't believe anything she says. She will say anything to cover her tracks.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So why stay? Take The kids and grandkids off the table. Why be with a man capable of disrespecting you that way?


I have been a stay at home Mum most of my married life(through choice), I have no income of my own, I wouldn't want to interfere in my childrens life's by going to stay with them, and because I can see he is really trying and making an effort to help me, then I don't want to give up just yet. This isn't just a boyfriend/girlfriend tiff, this is a long marriage, with children, a home, and a lot of history, albeit he's changed some of that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rosieposie said:


> I do want to salvage the marriage. I've seen on a lot of these forums about "forgiving". I will never ever forgive him for what he has done, I've told him that. How can you forgive something like that. I know I have a long way to go, and no I won't ever fully trust him again.


Better understand you can’t save a thing. That would be up to him to fix what he’s destroyed.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She is a cheater and liar, so don't believe anything she says. She will say anything to cover her tracks.


I know she's a liar, he told me details of where, when, and how and she played everything down, lied through her teeth.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rosieposie said:


> I have been a stay at home Mum most of my married life(through choice), I have no income of my own, I wouldn't want to interfere in my childrens life's by going to stay with them, and because I can see he is really trying and making an effort to help me, then I don't want to give up just yet. This isn't just a boyfriend/girlfriend tiff, this is a long marriage, with children, a home, and a lot of history, albeit he's changed some of that.


It was also along term affair with the other life he was living. Know your worth.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> I have been a stay at home Mum most of my married life(through choice), I have no income of my own, I wouldn't want to interfere in my childrens life's by going to stay with them, and because I can see he is really trying and making an effort to help me, then I don't want to give up just yet. This isn't just a boyfriend/girlfriend tiff, this is a long marriage, with children, a home, and a lot of history, albeit he's changed some of that.


I understand. As I stated before I am in a very similar boat. You are entitled to half the assets and permanent spousal support. I’m 3 years out and I assure you it does not get easier when you are dealing with a LTR.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> I know she's a liar, he told me details of where, when, and how and she played everything down, lied through her teeth.


Wait….listen. HE is telling you SHE is a liar? My husband did the same thing. Tried to demonize her. What was he telling her about your life? What lies did he tell about you?


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> I am sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances. I cannot even fathom the pain of that. And I am sorry about the loss of your son.
> 
> In any event, I agree with some posters on here to go for individual counseling. I think it'll help you figure out what you want and don't want, ie. if you want to really save this marriage or not.
> 
> ...


I don't think I would go for counseling, I did mention it to my husband, he said he would go if that's what I want, but no, I don't think I will. My two grow children are the only people I have told. No other family members know.


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Wait….listen. HE is telling you SHE is a liar? My husband did the same thing. Tried to demonize her. What was he telling her about your life? What lies did he tell about you?


I'll probably never know the full story and all the details, but I badger him all the time, I know some BS don't want to know all the details, but I do.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> Yes he does have a work email and phone, I also have access to his rota, so I will know if he has taken time off from work. I know exactly what holidays he is due and when he will be taking them. I am so vigilant now, I'm sure nothing will get past me, I'm on his case a lot.


I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry that your husband has betrayed you. Her husband has every right to know about his wife's affair. You need to tell the husband about the affair. If you're afraid he would come to your house, warn him that it is between him and his cheating wife and in no way he should involve you and your husband. But he needs to know. 
You say that you track your husband's every move and you know whom he is contacting. It is no way to live. You are punishing yourself for his betrayal. It will be very hard if not impossible to trust him again after 10 years of cheating. Don't fool yourself into believing that you need him in your life. Don't fool yourself into believing that all of a sudden he became a trustworthy person. 
Take care of yourself. See a therapist. Start new hobbies and meet regularly with trusted girlfriends. Surround yourself with caring friends. Detach yourself from this person because he is not the person you thought he is. He is not the caring husband you thought he is.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

rosieposie said:


> I'll probably never know the full story and all the details, but I badger him all the time, I know some BS don't want to know all the details, but I do.


You will never know. Not in a million years. What has he said he told her?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Good grief, your H had a huge secret for 10 years. I'm not sure how one gets past this. Since your kids know, perhaps have a heart to heart with them.

I know that if I was in my 30s and found out my dad did this to my mom, I would absolutely help my mom with zero hesitation, even if that meant having her live with me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

rosieposie said:


> It's definitely over. She was also married, still is as far as I know, I thought about telling her husband, but didn't want him turning up at my door causing trouble, I have enough to deal with.


You should DEF tell her husband -- that poor guy probably has no idea like you -- and it's the right thing to do for him.
Just DO NOT tell your H before you do it..


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## rosieposie (Apr 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You should DEF tell her husband -- that poor guy probably has no idea like you -- and it's the right thing to do for him.
> Just DO NOT tell your H before you do it..


If I decide to tell him, I won't tell anyone beforehand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to let go of the idea that he or she will ever tell you the true story. It doesn’t benefit them so they won’t. When you stay with a long-time cheater you have to accept that you’re reconciling without knowing all that happened. It’s a very hard thing to do and takes years to come to terms with. You’re just beginning.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Torninhalf said:


> Well 50 miles is a little over an hour away which is not far at all.
> Here is the thing. You are taking his word for it. Cheaters lie…they lie again…and then they lie some more.
> My husband pulled the one time…ok 3 times…and then it was a couple of times a week for 2 years.
> I don’t say this to hurt you but it is part of the cheaters script. It’s in their handbook.


In British terms 50 miles is a long, long way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rosieposie said:


> Yes, your right, I would want to know, I emailed her, obviously I had her email address after finding it on his computer. I told her I was going to tell her husband, she said if I did that, she would end up in hospital and he would have someone shoot my husband!!!!! it scared the life out me, I don't know these people and what they are capable of, maybe she was just bluffing.


Report her threat to the police.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> In British terms 50 miles is a long, long way.


How long does it take to travel 50 miles in Britain?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Depends where you are. For example, we used to drive approximately 50 miles to our son’s flat in London and it would take over 2 hours on average. We used to live in a town just outside London and it would take around 45 minutes to drive 5 miles home in the rush hour.

We just do not have the wide open roads that you have in the States.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@rosieposie, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and continue to fight through.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You're determined to make your reconciliation work, so do it with your eyes open. Every betrayed spouse should read @bobert's novel on reconciliation that he wrote for the never-ending Cici thread. . 



bobert said:


> Your husband isn't going to have time to process the DNA results before having to wanting to compose himself to be there for you for the amnio results. So don't be shocked if he says he's dealt with it but it comes back up. Or not, because he's a rug sweeper. And apparently he's staying anyway so that's not the real test. The real test is the next 20 years when he has to deal with the OM over and over and over. That "this could be the last week we're together" feeling? It could take years to go away, IF it ever does.
> 
> I call ****** on the whole "it takes 2-5 years" when there is an AP in the picture and the affair is being thrown back in the BS's face over and over. Infidelity is hard enough to deal with, and having the AP around makes it damn near impossible. It's not always bad, but it can hit out of nowhere. Things could be going great and you could be doing everything right and you could still have huge setbacks years down the road out of nowhere, because of the AP being involved.
> 
> ...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

rosieposie said:


> *I can't imagine a life without him*, we've been together so long, we have our children and grandchildren together, but I look at him sometimes and I can't believe he did this to his family. I could say I know him well enough to know he is hurting because of the pain he has caused, but there again he's not the man I thought he was.


Not saying that you should divorce him (although it is what I would do), but that is the hardest part of the end of a marriage. It literally ruined your life. The life you planned and worked so hard for and for so long, it's all gone. And the process of building a new life out of the wreckage of what once was is daunting. 

In terms of what I would do, having had to do that: it was the hardest and most painful thing I ever did, but now that I am on the other side, I don't regret starting my life over. Once they betray you, the life you planned becomes poisonous. I would so much rather live the life I have now with all its struggles than to have stayed in that toxicity. It eats away at your soul. 

If you stay, you should definitely follow the advice of the posters here. But honestly, your husband is the one who has to do the work. And if he isn't willing to do the work then there is no point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> How long does it take to travel 50 miles in Britain?


Please check Harold Demure's answer.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

rosieposie said:


> I don't think I would go for counseling


Why not?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@rosieposie I would suggest individual counselling for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

rosieposie said:


> Found out October 2020 that my husband of 37yrs had been having an affair for almost 10 years, I was absolutely devastated, we have been together since we were 20yrs old, we have 3 grown children together. She is also married. Eight months before D day our beautiful youngest son died suddenly, he was only 22 and lived at home with us, we were and always will be heartbroken, he was so loved by us all, I was still grieving for my boy when I found out about my husband's affair I was already broken and crushed. Each day is a struggle. The OW was a co worker, the workplace closed in 2011 but they continued their affair over the years, mostly through emails and the occasional meet ups, The affair was discovered when he left his computer on and his emails were open, hundreds of them going back years, it was very evident what had been going on. at first, he was giving nothing away, told me lie after lie, but I was relentless, because I had names and email I found a lot of information on social media, he is really trying to make things better, I have access and passwords to everything, I know where he is at all times. But I am up and down, sobbing one minute to thinking we'll survive this the next minute. The longevity of the affair stuns me, I honestly never had a clue. He says it was just sex! but 10 years behind your families back, it takes a lot of deception to get away with that.


I am sorry for you, but I am going to tell you the truth that you probably won't hear much, in the world of "you can have a marriage better then ever before". If you stay with this man you will most likely be struggling just as much 10,15,20 years later. Maybe not as intensely but it will be there. This is what you are signing up for by staying. Better to just accept it. What you feel is normal and the logical reaction to being a victim of abuse and they trying to spend the rest of your life with your abuser. A 10 year affair is sever emotional abuse, it's 10 years of a double life. If it was 10 years of physical abuse do you think yo would just get over it? I am not saying that to convict you or judge you but to say give yourself a break. 

If you don't want to struggle your best bet is to leave, and even more so if you eventually find someone better. If you stay you are most likely going to struggle. That is just the way it is.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

rosieposie said:


> I told her I was going to tell her husband, she said if I did that, she would end up in hospital and he would have someone shoot my husband!!!!!


Think about it. She and your husband had zero fear of this for *TEN* years. How big of a threat do you think it is? You've had sex with your husband - is his lovin' really worth getting hospitalized over? Do you think her vagina is so golden that it blinded your husband to the fact that he may get shot? It is total BS and is so commonly dragged out by the woman that it is laughable. She is actually preying on your sense of compassion.

Screw her and the horse she rode in on. She did this, your husband did this and it is not your job to protect them from themselves. So far, the only one suffering any consequences for their behavior is you. Taking the stance that you will get your revenge by beating your husband over the head for the rest of your life will only make you increasingly miserable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

After such a very long affair, 10 years, it's hard to see how you would ever be able to trust again. Do you really want to have to be his jailer for the rest of your life? Plus you have said that you will never forgive him, so really there is little hope for this marriage. 

What do your children think?

I do think you need to tell the other man, poor guy.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> After such a very long affair, 10 years, it's hard to see how you would ever be able to trust again. Do you really want to have to be his jailer for the rest of your life? Plus you have said that you will never forgive him, so really there is little hope for this marriage.
> 
> What do your children think?
> 
> I do think you need to tell the other man, poor guy.


I agree with you Diana7 but I think the idea of actually leaving is petrifying to the OP. She says she wants to save the marriage but I wonder if this is more out of fear and poor self belief than love.

OP could probably benefit from advice on how she should do this?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Harold Demure said:


> I agree with you Diana7 but I think the idea of actually leaving is petrifying to the OP. She says she wants to save the marriage but I wonder if this is more out of fear and poor self belief than love.
> 
> OP could probably benefit from advice on how she should do this?


I think OP said she didn't want counseling. But individual counseling would definitely be needed. Especially for the husband.

OP, if you're really set on reconciliation, you're going to have to accept that there's always going to be something you don't know. Considering this has gone on 10 years, you've probably only breached the top of the iceberg. The lies won't stop just because you caught him and he's stopped now.

Next, the bulk of the work is on him. Aside from handing over his socials and staying with you all the time now, what has he actually done to make you feel safe? What else do you need to feel safe?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Harold Demure said:


> I agree with you Diana7 but I think the idea of actually leaving is petrifying to the OP. She says she wants to save the marriage but I wonder if this is more out of fear and poor self belief than love.
> 
> OP could probably benefit from advice on how she should do this?


I understand that people will stay in bad relationships due them not wanting the upheaval and change and upset that ending it brings, but the alternative is staying in an unhappy and bad situation. 
In the end it's their choice.


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