# Detachment



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Most days I manage to get by just fine. I focus on my son, my job. I'm starting to see myself as someone worthy of love, as someone attractive, who has something to give. But some days, like today...not so much. Does anyone ever really feel sure of themselves the whole time? Or is it all an act?

Being a bit of a hopeless romantic, I really want what a lot of people want - love. I miss that feeling of rightness that went with early stages of my relationship with my XH. It was all an illusion and I don't know how to reconcile that yearning for someone to share my life with, with the new reality - people who you love will sometimes disappoint you. That you can't really ever relax with someone you're starting to care about because they'll hurt you. That you remain pretty unimportant to the other person.

Once I take a step back and try and detach myself from my emotions, I can acknowledge that I'm missing my son because he's with his father this weekend. That I've had a hard time forming new friendships since moving and that I'm just a bit lonely. That my grandmother passed away recently and that I miss her. Detachment seems to help. It blunts the edges of the despair that comes on the bad days pretty well. It helps in its own way. But I wonder if it's an entirely healthy choice.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I hear you. I have been doing well lately, but yesterday I said out loud to myself, there is really NO ONE here where I live (this town, where I work) who loves me. My family wants me to move closer to them, and I'd give up this job in a heartbeat if I could get one similar to it (but with a different boss - I've spent much of the weekend researching absentee or checked-out bosses, since mine is, totally detached!). 

I miss my Mom who died in September and my friends and i are all busy dealing with new realities at work so we haven't gotten together in a while. 

You're right that detachment helps to step back from the emotions and acknowledge their source, but it doesn't make the pain of them go away. And I think I hear you saying that detachment can result in a withdrawal from the pursuit of relationships, for fear they won't be healthy. And if that's what you're suggesting or inferring (or maybe I'm interpreting your post that way because that's how my own detachment feels to me), I would agree, but I also think that kind of detachment is necessary for a season (to keep us from rushing headlong in to relationships without time to repair and heal), but when we're ready to grow out of it and towards healthy relationships, we will. Ultimately the definition of detachment is not being overly attached, too eager to fix what is beyond our control or responsibility. So the kind of detachment that keeps us FROM relationships for a while may be a healthy thing, if it isn't permanent. I think of detachment as a way of staying safe IN relationships, but since I'm not in many other than those related to inevitable situations like work, I take your point.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry Joanna,



This I know:

Good friends are very hard to find, let alone develop, once the Bloom is off the Rose. To keep your [existing friends] and Roses, you must water and fertilize them on a regular basis. Let your existing friends and relatives network for you.

New and mature Lovers, or FWB's are even harder to find and maintain. Everyone has an agenda. Is their agenda good for you?

You can never swim if you stay out of the pool.

All men and women have established needs, routines and little [maybe big] skeletons in their closet. Be picky with lovers, more flexible with pals.

You must join every little and big organization. Meeting many people increases your odds of finding someone nice......someone COMPATIBLE, in reality, mostly compatible, especially with those things that you hold dear and cannot compromise [on].

They will come to you if you are these things:

a) Cheerful, have a sense of humor.
b) Friendly
c) Dignified, without being stuffy.
d) Not afraid to show your feelings...laugh, cry when appropriate.
e) Have a sense of yourself.
f) Be calm under pressure......get rattled at home, not in front of others!
g) Do not be opinionated....even if you are! Show others that you are flexible.
h) Read up on things that interest those that You are interested in. Get straight with the facts.
i) Start developing hobbies that will bring like-minded people closer.
j) Let others [men] do the talking...listen to them....show interest. Even if they would not qualify as a Lover, a FWB, they can be a friend to talk to. Remember, friends have friends.
k) Do the GNO to bowling alleys, golf courses, tennis, those bus tours to Everywhere USA!
l) Book stores, libraries and quant Pubs have single men in them.
m) If you have musical talent, start a band or join one. You are never too old.

Don't give up.....life IS really special....My God...what a place and time that we live in. It is so exciting to be alive today. Do not concentrate on all the bad things in the world [I do this, occasionally!]. Visit and walk through our National Parks. Ride a horse....a big fat gentle mare. Keep the horse away from the grass and have fun.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> I hear you. I have been doing well lately, but yesterday I said out loud to myself, there is really NO ONE here where I live (this town, where I work) who loves me. My family wants me to move closer to them, and I'd give up this job in a heartbeat if I could get one similar to it (but with a different boss - I've spent much of the weekend researching absentee or checked-out bosses, since mine is, totally detached!).
> 
> I miss my Mom who died in September and my friends and i are all busy dealing with new realities at work so we haven't gotten together in a while.
> 
> You're right that detachment helps to step back from the emotions and acknowledge their source, but it doesn't make the pain of them go away. And I think I hear you saying that detachment can result in a withdrawal from the pursuit of relationships, for fear they won't be healthy. And if that's what you're suggesting or inferring (or maybe I'm interpreting your post that way because that's how my own detachment feels to me), I would agree, but I also think that kind of detachment is necessary for a season (to keep us from rushing headlong in to relationships without time to repair and heal), but when we're ready to grow out of it and towards healthy relationships, we will. *Ultimately the definition of detachment is not being overly attached, too eager to fix what is beyond our control or responsibility*. So the kind of detachment that keeps us FROM relationships for a while may be a healthy thing, if it isn't permanent. I think of detachment as a way of staying safe IN relationships, but since I'm not in many other than those related to inevitable situations like work, I take your point.


Hang in there! You'll find your village. I can sympathize with your situation as my family lives abroad and most of my friends live over 3 hours away. Getting involved in local clubs helps but to be honest I have limited time to do that.

I think I have finally seen that I'm going to have to end my current relationship. He's not an evil person, nor did he do anything terrible. It has made me detach even further, if anything, as he isn't considerate like he was in the beginning, and to be honest, it has just made me lose interest. It takes a lot of time and effort to make a relationship work as a single parent, and there came a point where I just felt he wasn't putting in any effort anymore. It's a good indicator of how uninterested he is and life is just too short. 

Celebrating my little one's 3rd birthday today, so lots of good things in life still and anticipating a visit from my parents this week. I try and stay focused on the good things and allow myself to experience the emotions they entail instead of trying to just block everything.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry Joanna,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for your kind post. I'm currently at the end of a relationship and getting ready for the dreaded breakup talk. Not a bad or evil person, we're just not on the same page. I guess it's less that I am having trouble meeting someone because I'm ready to take a break from dating for a month or two. More that I miss having my core group of friends around me. 

They're now all a few hours away. It can be a bit challenging between my son and work to fit in social activities that develop friendships but I think I need to start trying again. I think if I have friendships with people I can't wait to go hang out with, and vice versa, that things will improve somewhat.

Had a lovely visit from an old friend this weekend and it made me realize how important those relationships are.


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