# Need advice. Am I really wrong?



## Linus (8 mo ago)

Hi guys!

I registered myself here just to ask your opinion on a situation that happened a couple of days ago.

My wife and I have known each other for eight years — for the the last 2,5 years we have been together and we got married only three months ago.

Two days ago we were sitting in a cafe with a friend of hers. He is considerably older than she (like 30 years older — she is 25) and at some point before we were together they were intimate with each other once (she told me about it) but not in a relationship.

So we were sitting there — he sat across from us — and she talked about her wisdom teeth that were removed last week and how one of her cheeks was still swollen. Suddenly, she offers him to check her swelling for himself. She took his hand and pressed his fingers against her cheek while I’m watching. At first, he wanted to take his hand off, but then touched her cheek again, this time by himself and even closed his eyes for a moment. The whole thing took probably like 10 seconds. I sat across from him beside her and was at the same time disgusted and perplexed because of what I saw. I felt sick to my stomach. After that, the conversation went on like nothing happened but I couldn’t really pay attention to it anymore.

After he left, I talked to her about it, how I find this unacceptable and disrespectful to me. It turned into an argument. She said that I’m jealous and trying to control her, and that there was nothing wrong with this whole situation. I asked her if she would find it okay, if I would do something like that. Her answer was that he is a doctor, so she wanted him to check if everything is okay, but she would even do the same with any of her friends because it’s an absolutely normal thing to do and there is nothing wrong about it.

At some point in this argument, I just went away from her to calm myself down. We tried to talk about it later again but with the same result. And it doesn’t help if I say that I wouldn’t do such a thing to her just out of respect.
She keeps saying that she sees it differently and I have to accept it. But I just can’t and won’t. Two days have passed, but I am still disgusted and can’t really be close to her now, because she won’t even acknowledge that she was wrong and it’s not an okay thing to do if you are married. I feel really bad about it and can’t really think of anything else the last two days. And now I have to think what else she can do and find acceptable when I’m not around, if she thinks it’s okay to do something like this in front of my eyes. I need help.

Do you think this is really normal and she is right? Or I do have a point and it is not acceptable?

I would appreciate your opinion on this. Thanks!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why are you and your wife hanging out with her ex lover? I don’t know any men who would happily hang out with their wife’s exes. 
You need to create boundaries in your marriage because otherwise your wife is going to walk over you. She’s already gaslighting you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The jealous and controlling charge is usually employed to shut down a reasonable reaction to bad behavior. Unless one is off the rails controlling, but you're not.

That's not proper behavior for a married person and should he shut down now. Like Amdy asked....why are you sitting with one of her exes?

At this point she isn't quite ready to married. Tell her that you two will set good boundaries or you're out. I know that seems extreme but if you nip this stuff early you save yourself a lot of problems later.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Linus said:


> only got married three months ago.


If she is disrespecting you with her lover in front of you now, the future will only get worse. Get loose from her ASAP


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

How did she become friends with a guy who is 30 years older? Sounds to me like this might be her sugar daddy.

This guy is taunting you right in front of your face. Why in the heck are you allowing this guy to be around you or your wife while out and about?


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## Linus (8 mo ago)

Thank you guys for such prompt responses.

Thing is, I really do love her. I’m not happy at all to hang out with her ex (technically, he isn’t her ex, they were never in a relationship, it was rather a one-time thing, as far as I know). The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own. I talked to her some time ago about how I don’t want her to see him anymore. She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this. So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone. I hate to sound pathetic, but it really breaks my heart and I feel terrible.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

So, let me get this straight.

She was sexually intimate with a 50ish guy when she was a minor .... underage ..... technically for legal purposes still a child?

And she still hangs out with him?

And you two are still in what is supposed to be the honeymoon stage of your marriage and she takes his hand and puts it on herself so he can caress her?

Wow.


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## Linus (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> How did she become friends with a guy who is 30 years older? Sounds to me like this might be her sugar daddy.


[/QUOTE]

No, he is not. I would have known. She met him years ago while doing some research for her work.


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## Linus (8 mo ago)

syhoybenden said:


> So, let me get this straight.
> 
> She was sexually intimate with a 50ish guy when she was a minor .... underage ..... technically for legal purposes still a child?


She was 20 at the time. But other than that it really makes me sick.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Linus said:


> She was 20 at the time. But other than that it really makes me sick.


It would be her wanting to hang out with him that would make me sick.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Linus said:


> So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone.


You should have had lot of discussions about boundaries in the 2.5 years you were together BEFORE you got married. After the wedding is too late. She doesn’t respect you and has told you straight up she will do as she damned well pleases. If she wants to meet her ex for whatever it is none of your business.

Three months married and it is this way, just imagine 3 years. You loving her has nothing to do with it because she obviously doesnt love you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Linus said:


> Thank you guys for such prompt and constructive responses.
> 
> Thing is, I really do love her. I’m not happy at all to hang out with her ex. The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own. I talked to her some time ago that I don’t want her to see him anymore. She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this. So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone. I hate to sound pathetic, but it really breaks my heart and I feel terrible.


I guess what she means is “you have to accept this (if you want to be with me).”

But…you don’t have to accept this.

Only three months in…ugh. If she is already disrespecting you like this so early on, I can only imagine what else you’ll be expected to “accept.”

You’re not in the wrong, here.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Linus said:


> Thank you guys for such prompt and constructive responses.
> 
> Thing is, I really do love her. I’m not happy at all to hang out with her ex. The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own. I talked to her some time ago that I don’t want her to see him anymore. She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this. So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone. I hate to sound pathetic, but it really breaks my heart and I feel terrible.


This isn’t a compromise, it’s an ultimatum. You either meet up with him and be emasculated or she meets up with him alone and your cuckolded.
This is a very bad start to marriage and I’m afraid that other than divorce her there’s nothing you can do. She obviously doesn’t care about your opinion and she’s going to see him either with or without you.
Maybe let her read the replies you’re getting here and if she’s still insistent on seeing him then you let her know that you’ll be talking to a lawyer. 
As an aside, which of you makes the most money.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Linus said:


> She keeps saying that she sees it differently and I have to accept it.





Linus said:


> She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this.


She's really good at telling you what you have to accept. Was she like this when you were dating? Truth is, you don't have to accept it. Clearly, boundaries need to be set and if you don't do it now, things will get worse.


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## Linus (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> As an aside, which of you makes the most money.


She does. At least, up until now that was the case. I even owe her some money because of financial problems I had over the last few years. But I started a new job two weeks ago, so it should make things better. Financially anyway.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

110% unacceptable in my book. If I were in your shoes I feel she should have zero contact with an ex-lover and doing the touchy feely thing Infront of your is disgusting and disrespectful to you. It is also rather inappropriate IMO that a 50 yo man had a sexual relationship with a 20 year old. He is probably older than her father. I would be telling her she is to have no contact and I would have a man to man talk with this guy to tell him go away and never contact her again. That it isn't healthy for your marriage. 

Now, what you do it up to you. You have to set your own boundaries, and if you do, it is your responsibility to enforce them. You have to be able to walk away from the marriage if she can't accept your hard boundaries. The big issue here is she already is pushing back. You never should have been weak and caved in on this. Honestly I question you getting married in the first place. I suspect you knew of this "friendship" prior to marrying her, but didn't have the balls to deal with it. Instead you tiptoed around and weakly gave in. Not trying to be mean, but this is how I see it. This boundary should have been set long ago.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> This isn’t a compromise, it’s an ultimatum.


I agree. Just make sure you are actually prepared to end the relationship if you give an ultimatum. You have to follow through. Empty threats won't work.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Linus said:


> Thank you guys for such prompt responses.
> 
> Thing is, I really do love her. I’m not happy at all to hang out with her ex (technically, he isn’t her ex, they were never in a relationship, it was rather one time thing, as far as I know). The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own. I talked to her some time ago about how I don’t want her to see him anymore. She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this. So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone. I hate to sound pathetic, but it really breaks my heart and I feel terrible.


No, you don't have to accept it, just because she says so.
You don't have to sit around with her and some guy she banged, just because she calls him "a friend."
Obviously, you should have sorted this out before you signed on the dotted line; however, this stance is very disrespectful to you, and you need to have enough respect for yourself to repel such disrespect towards you.
Tell her that you are all about love and soulmates, and that you can no longer deprive her of hers.
Print some Divorce paperwork off the internet for your jurisdiction. Start filling it out in front of her.
Get some nice boxes and extra trash bags (be classy, buy the heavy duty ones) and offer to help her pack.
See what her reaction is. If she doesn't drop lover boy, complete the separation process.
If she backs off, use your new offensive position as a means to get some counseling for you both to set up proper boundaries and expectations for your relationship. Best of luck.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

She might or might not see it as anything at all, nonetheless, that's a fact right there for you to realize that her boundaries are not in sync with yours. Actually, she's outright disrespecting you right in your face, and selfishly thinking of just herself.

She's married now, if she can't see or understand your boundaries, I'm afraid that you are heading towards a marriage of disrespect, where she'll always have the upper hand.

Time for you to put on the big boy pants and take a stance with boundaries. If she is not willing to accept your boundaries, then you'd have your answer. It would be wise for you to end the relationship. And please, don't give me that crap that you "love" her, because love has nothing to do in this equation. A marriage/relationship is much more than just love. You are at a junction where the stakes are not high if you decide or are force to end relationship. if you stay and not boundaries are agreed upon, then, I'm afraid that some day eventually you'll end up in divorce with a couple of kids, and a mortgage. 

Just remember, you do not have "to accept" anything. If you do, then, you'll get what you'd justly deserve. Time to be a man that has boundaries, self-respect, pride, and self-worth. There's plenty of fish in the ocean to catch a better more suitable partner. start by not being afraid of losing or not the relationship.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Linus ,

Just to be clear, when we say "Time to set boundaries" we don't mean that you make a bunch of rules for her to follow. That honestly and truly would be controlling, and that's not what we are advocating at all. Boundaries are all about YOU. Boundaries are when you set a fence around yourself and say "Being close to me and being intimate with me emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically is deeply valuable. That means that I will only allow people who behave XYZ close to me." People are completely free to choose to NOT be XYZ...but that also means they will NOT be close to you. Boundaries means that you decide for yourself what you will allow in your life. 

So in your specific instance, an example of a boundary might be that you will only allow partners in your life who are 100% committed to only you and who treat you in a kind, loving and honest way. She's free to have commitments elsewhere or be unkind, unloving, or dishonest all she wants. But you love yourself enough to say that an uncommitted, unkind, unloving or dishonest person will not be your life partner. Make sense? It's a subtle difference but can you see?

My final thought is about faithfulness. So often you'll hear peole say "Oh yeah, cheating is wrong" but they don't think about "What does faithfulness MEAN?" I have a definition of faithfulness and I've shared it with my spouse...we are in agreement on it. Faithfulness in my relationship means giving 100% of my affection, loyalty, and companionship to my spouse (forsaking all others  ). 100% means that there is 0% available to give to any other human being. Now, I'm not talking love like for a child or for a parent...but none of my romantic affection is given to any other person--that's faithfulness in my opinion. None of my loyalty is given to any other person--that's faithfulness. None of my romantic companionship (or plain, old, have fun companionship) is given to any other person--that's faithfulness by my definition. 

Now, your definition may vary. But I think part of the reason this rubs you so wrong is because a) CLEARLY she or the older dude were getting some kind of romantic affection there...right in front of you! and b) CLEARLY when you spoke to her about her some of her loyalty was to HIM and not to you. It may not have been a large percentage, but "some" means that 100% is not yours, and thus it bothers you. When I think of marriage, I think that includes as a primary concept the idea of being faithful to one another. You voluntarily stand up before God and family and say "I volunteer to be faithful to you." And it bothers you because the definition in your head was crossed but it wasn't crossed in HER head! 

Soooooo...time to define some of these things for yourself. Define your boundaries and who you will and will not allow into your inner close circle (not by naming people, but rather "I will allow people to be close who treat me with dignity, kindness, love and respect. I will not allow people who are disrespectful, insensitive and nasty, cold-hearted, abusive or disrespectful." And then define what faithfulness means to you and share that with your wife. Honestly, for me faithfulness is one of my boundaries! [And again, I reiterate, it is not controlling. Any person is free to choose to be any way they choose to be. But YOU get to choose who you will and will not allow into your life and into your heart. If someone is hurting you, that's not someone you want close.]


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Maybe she's going to pitch you on an open marriage. She's violating boundaries in plain sight already.


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## Linus (8 mo ago)

@Affaircare, 
thank you so much for such a thorough response to my post. I really appreciate it.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Linus 

when she says it was one time then she lied - may be 100x

she is controlling and abusing the relationship. it is simple, consider the marriage as a business agreement between two partners - one partner cant go go on their own or dictate to speak to a competitor. 

same thing with marriage - you have the right to say NO to who she hang out/act with. and she has the right to do the same. 

because you bent and said yes the first time to meet her ex lover, now she is walking all over you. the fact that she is welling to disrespect and jeopardize your relationship for another guy tells you everything on where your marriage is headed to. she is screaming for an affair. 

she is not a marriage material and please don't have kids. 

husbands who agree to hang out with guys who their wives had slept with are called Cuckolds.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> You should have had lot of discussions about boundaries in the 2.5 years you were together BEFORE you got married. After the wedding is too late. She doesn’t respect you and has told you straight up she will do as she damned well pleases. If she wants to meet her ex for whatever it is none of your business.
> 
> Three months married and it is this way, just imagine 3 years. You loving her has nothing to do with it because she obviously doesnt love you.


Agree with everything but the conclusion she doesn’t love him. She may or may not.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Linus said:


> Her answer was that he is a doctor, so she wanted him to check if everything is okay


By that logic, I could make friends with a male plastic surgeon specializing in augmentation mammoplasty and let him check out my boobs, you know, to see if he thinks everything's okay or if I need a boob job. In other words, he's* a* doctor not *her* doctor. The fact that he's her ex-lover makes it even worse.

As for all this:


Linus said:


> She said that I’m jealous and trying to control her





Linus said:


> and that there was nothing wrong with this whole situation





Linus said:


> Her answer was that he is a doctor, so she wanted him to check if everything is okay,





Linus said:


> but she would even do the same with any of her friends





Linus said:


> because it’s an absolutely normal thing to do and there is nothing wrong about it.


To quote a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Linus said:


> Thank you guys for such prompt responses.
> 
> Thing is, I really do love her. I’m not happy at all to hang out with her ex (technically, he isn’t her ex, they were never in a relationship, it was rather a one-time thing, as far as I know). The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own. I talked to her some time ago about how I don’t want her to see him anymore. She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this. So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone. I hate to sound pathetic, but it really breaks my heart and I feel terrible.


You are the one choosing to accept this. She gets no say for what you will or will not do unless you allow it. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Linus said:


> The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own.


That's your problem, not the cheek touching. You don't know how to set boundaries, and that my friend, will be a costly mistake of yours now and in the future.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That's your problem, not the cheek touching. You don't know how to set boundaries, and that my friend, will be a costly mistake of yours now and in the future.


This is correct. 
She is a married woman and your wife.
If you don’t want her hanging out with an ex-lover (witches a wise and very typical boundary by the way), then you need to have enough power in your relationship to tell her NO. 
“No wife, I’m not OK with my wife in meeting up with ex lovers. If you want to maintain friendships and spend time going out with ex lovers, you are free to do so, but it won’t be as my wife.”


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly you ignored red flags before you got married.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Casual Observer said:


> Agree with everything but the conclusion she doesn’t love him. She may or may not.


@Casual Observer -- I'm not asking you this as a threadjack. I'm asking because I think discussing this hear might be beneficial to the Original Poster, @Linus . 

@Rus47 said: "You loving her has nothing to do with it because she obviously doesnt love you," and you disagreed. Yes, on one hand we aren't in her mind so we can't tell what she thinks or feels...and thus can't definitively make a statement like that. 

On the other hand, what is "love"? Is it feelings and butterflies in the stomach and passion and exciting attraction? I personally don't think so--I think that is lust or infatuation. Love is treating someone in a loving way--an action. So acting in a way that is affectionate, devoted, adoring, caring, tender, warm, admiring, generous, loyal, friendly, thoughtful... You get the drift. It is an ACTION. 

Sooooo one could easily look at her actions (forget the words and evaluate actions) and ascertain if she is treating him in an affectionate, devoted, adoring, caring, tender, warm, admiring, generous, loyal, friendly, thoughtful way. Hmmm...  If the answer is "no"...if she's showing affection to another man, is devoted to her own self and not OP, adores the touch of another man, cares about what she wants or what the other man wants and not what OP wants, etc. then she is not acting in a loving way. If she's not acting in a loving way, she is not loving and thus "She doesn't love him." 

See, she may "have some smooshy feelings" at times...or she may SAY that she loves...but real, true Love ACTS. And @Linus, someone who actually does love you will admire you and kind of look up to you for who you are, and will be devoted to you and only you, and will treat you in a thoughtful and caring way that demonstrates caring about how you feel, and will be generous with YOU and loyal to YOU. When you see that kind of treatment...that's love. When you get lipservice with no actions (words and actions don't match) that is not love.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Linus, the title of the thread and the following quote


Linus said:


> Do you think this is really normal and she is right? Or *I do have a point and it is not acceptable*?


Why do you doubt yourself? You are not wrong. She is. What she did is *way* unacceptable. In front of you she let her lover touch her cheeks, closing his eyes dreaming of clutching her other cheeks in passion. IN FRONT OF YOU!!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think most worrying are her many statements to you that you have to accept things. 

She's showing you how she deals with and works through marital situations with you. As in, she doesn't. She just tells you to deal with it. She isn't going to be a good life partner. Like someone else said, she's not ready to be married. 

Only a few months in... I'd get a divorce and move on. Purely for the way she won't handle conflict in a healthy way.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Linus said:



The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own. I talked to her some time ago about how I don’t want her to see him anymore. She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this. So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone. I hate to sound pathetic, but it really breaks my heart and I feel terrible.

Click to expand...

*Good lord. Even you can see how pathetic your actions are.

Go into the bedroom and look in Miss Thang's purse - dig around in it until you find your testicles and take them back for the love of God.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Ex lovers being allowed to stay in contact. That's a hard no from me. Those ties is to be severed completely because the odds are simply too high that that spark that once glowed can rekindle and since they already had sex, what's a couple of more time, right?

Were I you, I'd make her pick, you or him and if she picks him, you know where you stand.


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## L4L (8 mo ago)

Hi, when this happened, what meaning were you giving to that situation? 
I guess it's about mutual respect for one another and if you felt uncomfortable about it then she should respect that and accept how you are feeling. 
It may have been a completely harmless encounter hence why it was done in front of you but still she should respect your feelings on the matter.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

L4L said:


> Hi, when this happened, what meaning were you giving to that situation?
> I guess it's about mutual respect for one another and if you felt uncomfortable about it then she should respect that and accept how you are feeling.
> It may have been a completely harmless encounter hence why it was done in front of you but still she should respect your feelings on the matter.


It was done in front of him because she doesn't care. This guy quietly touched her cheek as he closed his eyes and the touch linger for 10 seconds. A guy who she previously slept with. A guy likely older than her father. There is no innocence here, just disrespect and a woman that is not marriage material.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It was done in front of him because she doesn't care. This guy quietly touched her cheek as he closed his eyes and the touch linger for 10 seconds. A guy who she previously slept with. A guy likely older than her father. There is no innocence here, just disrespect and a woman that is not marriage material.


Besides which, when @Linus objected, she told him to go pound sand. He was "controlling". You know, the accusation that gets thrown down when a married female isn't getting her way. She as much as told him the old man "ex" lover was a "friend" and she would either see the "friend" with her newly minted husband being the cuckold, or she would go see her friend without the husband.

It wouldn't surprise me ( and shouldn't surprise @Linus) at all if the chick is in fact still doing the old guy as much as his health will allow. Just call him "Dr Feel good". Let''s figure the math. She is 23 now. She was doing the old guy when she was 20. @Linus has known her since she 6 months after she was for sure doing the guy.. Isn't it likely she and the old guy were meeting when @Linus met her? How likely is it that she just stopped doing the good Doctor just because she met a marriage-minded man? If the Doctor is married, obviously he doesn't want to pay for a messy divorce, so keeps the girl as a fun sidepiece. He has the money and she has the time. Why should that stop just because she married @Linus?

The meeting with @Linus present was just to confirm that a husband was no threat to the relationship. The closed eyes were in anticipation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Besides which, when @Linus objected, she told him to go pound sand. He was "controlling". You know, the accusation that gets thrown down when a married female isn't getting her way. She as much as told him the old man "ex" lover was a "friend" and she would either see the "friend" with her newly minted husband being the cuckold, or she would go see her friend without the husband.
> 
> It wouldn't surprise me ( and shouldn't surprise @Linus) at all if the chick is in fact still doing the old guy as much as his health will allow. Just call him "Dr Feel good". Let''s figure the math. She is 23 now. She was doing the old guy when she was 20. @Linus has known her since she 6 months after she was for sure doing the guy.. Isn't it likely she and the old guy were meeting when @Linus met her? How likely is it that she just stopped doing the good Doctor just because she met a marriage-minded man? If the Doctor is married, obviously he doesn't want to pay for a messy divorce, so keeps the girl as a fun sidepiece. He has the money and she has the time. Why should that stop just because she married @Linus?
> 
> The meeting with @Linus present was just to confirm that a husband was no threat to the relationship. The closed eyes were in anticipation.


There is something fundamentally wrong with the wife to think this is okay. The other aspect of this is she slept with him without actually being in a relationship. So, she has no problem with NSA sex with a man old enough to be her father, invites her husband to lunch date with her FWB, has him caress her face in front of her husband and calls @Linus controlling for not being okay with all of this. Yeah, non-marriage material for sure. 

I don't understand how @Linus didn't flip out while this was all playing out. First of all I would never be casually sitting at a table with my wife and one of her ex lovers. If I were, I wouldn't sit around while he had a lingering touch of her face. This is total nonsense.


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## L4L (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It was done in front of him because she doesn't care. This guy quietly touched her cheek as he closed his eyes and the touch linger for 10 seconds. A guy who she previously slept with. A guy likely older than her father. There is no innocence here, just disrespect and a woman that is not marriage material.


Yes i read what he said thank you. 
And you know for definite she doesn't care and isn't marriage material? 
There appears to be quite a bitter hierarchy on this site dictating and causing more damage than good. 🤔


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I don't understand how *@Linus didn't flip out while this was all playing out*. First of all I would never be casually sitting at a table with my wife and one of her ex lovers. If I were, *I wouldn't sit around while he had a lingering touch of her face.* This is total nonsense.


Not sure what @Linus brings to her party that she wanted. But evidently she picked a compliant man who doesn't flip out about anything. Most men would have laid the old guy out cold when he touched our wife. And she had better damn well welcomed that response from us or she would be the Ex so fast she wouldn't be able to catch her breath.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

L4L said:


> Yes i read what he said thank you.
> And you know for definite she doesn't care and isn't marriage material?
> There appears to be quite a bitter hierarchy on this site dictating and causing more damage than good. 🤔


Her actions, if portrayed accurately by the OP, make it very obvious that she doesn't care and isn't marriage material. 

What do you base your claim that more harm than good is being done other than your own feelings and opinion? Which is what everyone else is doing here too.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Ex lovers being allowed to stay in contact. That's a hard no from me. Those ties is to be severed completely because the odds are simply too high that that spark that once glowed can rekindle and since they already had sex, what's a couple of more time, right?
> 
> Were I you, I'd make her pick, you or him and if she picks him, you know where you stand.


I don't think ex-lovers have to be a 100% severed contact, when there are firm boundaries in place and your spouse knows the ex well enough to trust him or her. My wife and I attended my ex's wedding, and my ex is a customer at my business. We were a thing 40+ years ago; she's happily married (I think... I dare not ask because that is a boundary, especially since my marriage has issues), she contacts my wife from time to time to see if our Apricot tree is bearing fruit. A little while ago she (the ex) texted me about something I'd helped her with (professionally) and was so happy about it she included a heart emoji. I felt a bit weird, knowing that it was innocent, having to let her know that she should find a different type of emoji to express her gratitude. I told my wife about it, showed her the text.

This is quite different from when I broke up with my ex; I went 100% full non-contact until the relationship with my later girlfriend (now wife) was secure.

I think, as long as there are firm boundaries, and those boundaries include nothing, zero, zilch, that involves confiding anything, it can be ok. I'm more than willing to hear from those disagreeing with this. There are absolutely scenarios in which zero-contact should be a requirement. But I don't think every situation requires it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> There are absolutely scenarios in which zero-contact should be a requirement. But I don't think every situation requires it.


So in your opinion, what should @Linus and his 'wife' boundaries be regarding Doctor Feel Good?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> So in your opinion, what should @Linus and his 'wife' boundaries be regarding Doctor Feel Good?


My opinion is that anything having to do with boundaries and this person that could have resulted in an acceptable state of affairs should have happened before they got married. Right now, she should recognize the pain she's causing her husband and prioritize her marriage over anything having to do with this other man. Period.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

@Linus 
What’s your status? 
The guidance you’re getting here is on point, I hope you’re receiving, processing and planning to take action on your relationship dynamic.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Linus said:


> Thank you guys for such prompt responses.
> 
> Thing is, I really do love her. I’m not happy at all to hang out with her ex (technically, he isn’t her ex, they were never in a relationship, it was rather a one-time thing, as far as I know). *The only reason why I do that is so she wouldn’t meet him on her own.* I talked to her some time ago about how I don’t want her to see him anymore. She told me that it was years ago and now they are just friends and I have to accept this. So it was some sort of compromise to hang out with him — just so she wouldn’t meet him alone. I hate to sound pathetic, but it really breaks my heart and I feel terrible.


You don’t have to accept an x lover in your marriage. You are choosing to.
Good luck. You’ll need it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, she is telling you her x is more important than you or your marriage. 
Do you love that?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Linus has left the building it appears. He unfortunately doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to do what’s right with regards to his wife. 
There may also be financial repercussions for him up to and including losing his home and lifestyle if he angers her. He admitted that he owes her money and also that he just started working. 
I think Linus is in over his head with this pair.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Linus has left the building it appears


The comments from too many here were "not helpful"


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I don't know if OP's wife loves him or not (I believe it's brought up somewhere in this thread) but I will say this:

I love my husband more than words can describe. I would never put him in that situation. Just as my husband would protect me from some fool on the street, I want to protect him from harm too, like the emotional harm that would result from being in a situation like in the OP--I wouldn't allow such circumstances to occur, never mind create them.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Linus said:


> Hi guys!
> 
> I registered myself here just to ask your opinion on a situation that happened a couple of days ago.
> 
> ...


Bad bad, she isn't in to you, run, leave divorce, she settled, it was totally in appropriate to both meet up with a man she banged beforer you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Controlling would be excluding all guy friends. 

State what your requirements are with respect to this guy. My guess is she believes you won't divorce her and you'll just suck it up - so she has no motivation to change.

Her behavior is selfish, entitled, and shows zero empathy for you.

You are in an abusive relationship. Love is not a solid reason to allow someone to abuse you.

You deserve better.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This guy must be really special to your wife. She’s basically told you her “friendship” with her ex lover is more important than your marriage. With her feeling so strongly about this including using the controlling card , has to make you question how true that they only hooked up once and just remained friends all these years. She probably admitted to 1 hookup because to admit more would have made her look more pathetic than she is and also raised your suspicions. 

I suspect they have been FWB for a while. I just hope it actually stopped since you’ve been together but my gut tells me, he gets to occasionally hit that. That at 20 years old, she was having sex with a 50 something year old is sick and should have been a red flag to not marry her. That she would do that right in front of you has to make you wonder how they interact with you not there.

With you being married 3.5 months, and getting treated this disrespectfully, what are you going to get after a few years? I know you think you are so in love with her but she’s showing through her words and actions that the feelings are not mutual. She may have fond feelings for you but she’s not “in love “ with you. A young wife would NOT want to spend time with an ex. To have you sit across from a guy who’s had her, is totally disrespectful and women don’t love a man she can’t respect.


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