# Just found out my husband is cheating..



## punktx (May 12, 2011)

and I'm numb. Actually I go from freaked out to depressed to *sad* to hatred then to numb all in the same hour. I don't want a divorce, we have two little children :crying: 

It turns out my husband is meeting other men. Why does part of me want to ignore it... for the sake of the children. That can't happen, can it? This is going to be messy and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. 

We haven't had sex in about 3 months and honestly... I don't have the desire because I've had a little inkling that this was happening and I was _afraid_ to have sex with him for fear of disease.

He lied to me yesterday when I found a bit of evidence... he said "I don't accuse you of cheating, and I'm sick of you insinuating I did because I never have and I never will."

At that moment I thought "OK, maybe I'm wrong... then I checked his computer. He was private browsing but I found the evidence anyway. 

Part of me does want to tell him I know something is up and just stop it... don't talk to me right now.. but stop what you are doing. To divorce, this would devastate our kids, our little family... Plus we have tremendous debt and no money.UGH I hate him right now.


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

Should I confront him today?
What should I do, my brain is mush today... my poor kids.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

punktx said:


> Should I confront him today?
> What should I do, my brain is mush today... my poor kids.


Is your evidence 100 percent? Don't do anything while you're mush. I wish a more experienced member would chime in. Wait til one of them advise you. And I'm sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Is your evidence 100 percent? Don't do anything while you're mush. I wish a more experienced member would chime in. Wait til one of them advise you. And I'm sorry!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THanks, yup I'm 100% sure.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Don't act on anything while you're this upset. It will only make things worse. 

A really good friend of mine has a husband who was in the closet about being gay for years. She found out he was sleeping with the same man for 10 years of their marriage. She has three kids with this guy. They love each other and stay together to raise their kids but they have an open marriage now. She has a steady boyfriend and so does he. I've had them over for dinner parties all together and I'm still amazed at how well they get along. 

My point is, this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. You get to define what your marriage is with your husband. I would talk to him about this once this initial shock and anger calms down a bit. I know it's hard but try to come from a place of understanding...imagine how hard his life must be for him and how torn he must be? He loves you but he's attracted to men...I can't fathom how confusing and depressing it must be for him to lead a double life like that.

((((((hugs)))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. Another option is to take the steps to start making sure you're covered in the event of a divorce. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and find out what the best course of action would be at this point.


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> Don't act on anything while you're this upset. It will only make things worse.
> 
> A really good friend of mine has a husband who was in the closet about being gay for years. She found out he was sleeping with the same man for 10 years of their marriage. She has three kids with this guy. They love each other and stay together to raise their kids but they have an open marriage now. She has a steady boyfriend and so does he. I've had them over for dinner parties all together and I'm still amazed at how well they get along.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the hugs and advice. I am so hurt and I want to call him at work right now and tell him I know everything. I'm not going too, I just... i don't even know what to say through these tears. Open marriage. Sigh. I can't believe I'm contemplating that but I am... I feel so sick. I feel so so sick.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Just remember all your feelings are normal.It's ok to be hurt and angry,sick,shocked...when you do finally talk to him about it, don't let him make you think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Bottom line is he is deceiving you and you have a right to be furious about it.

But as with all things, it will be better to handle it as calmly as possible. He's expecting you to blow up when you find out so throw him off by being calm and collected.


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> Just remember all your feelings are normal.It's ok to be hurt and angry,sick,shocked...when you do finally talk to him about it, don't let him make you think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Bottom line is he is deceiving you and you have a right to be furious about it.
> 
> But as with all things, it will be better to handle it as calmly as possible. He's expecting you to blow up when you find out so throw him off by being calm and collected.


I think I do this. Am I suppose to act like nothing is going on? Should I try to act "normal"? I think the kids and I are going to be spending a lot of extra time out of the house.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do not ever compromise and throw the open marriage thought out of the window. Print out copies of the evidence , secure an electronic copy where your husband cannot find it. When you confront you are not negotiating, you are stating facts, be calm and do not agree to anything until you have a clear mind and ask for advice here. Show him the evidence, tell him you are aware of his affair with another man and that is not what you signed up to when you married him. He will take a couple of routes , be open and honest , lie and deny or blame you. As you cannot verify his honesty don't believe him.

Make it clear the affair ends now, tell him before he touches you again you want him tested for STD's . 

Call your parents and his and tell them of the affair, in your case you may be embarrassed as it is with a man however be clinical and follow through with this, you do not want an angry husband who has deceived his marriege and lied about his sexual preferences gaslighting you to everyone plus you will need support.

Be strong don't blink, if you feel you are losing control step away from him and tell him to give you space.
Do not leave the house , if push comes to shove he leaves.

Hang in there get past this first , breathe then post again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

I think that you should first make a plan of action. Come up with several different plans. If you want to stay married to him and he wants to stay married to you...make a plan for how you're going to do this and what boundaries will be in place for this to happen.
If you want to leave him, make a plan to see your lawyer before talking to him about anything. Your lawyer will then tell you what to do.

If you do plan on staying together, counseling is a MUST for your situation. The counselor will help the two of you formulate guidelines for whatever type of marriage you feel you can handle at this point.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You are in a tough situation. For most people, having an open marriage with a gay spouse is very, very difficult to pull off, and personally, I don't know if that dynamic is something you would want to model for your children. 

You need to be tested for STDs right away. This is a serious health risk for you and you need to know asap if you have been exposed.

There is a fabulous website called survivinginfidelity.com that is the best website I've ever found for support for infidelity. The boards are very active and all deal with how to cope with all aspects of cheating - confrontation, collecting evidence, reconciling, divorce, new beginnings, etc. Check it out.

It sounds like your husband is gay and that is usually a deal breaker for most hetero marriages. 

I would see a lawyer ASAP and save the evidence you have just in case you need it down the line. Your H could also be a sex addict, but I don't know enough about your situation to know how likely that might be. If he is a sex addict, you would want to protect your kids from exposure to his behavior, so saving the evidence you found is key. It will also help you when you confront him and he tries to deny what he's doing. So save everything you can.

A lawyer will let you know what your rights are and how to protect yourself and your kids. You don't have to act on anything, but knowing your rights is always a good thing.

Sorry you are going through this!!! Can you see a therapist or tell one close friend what is going on?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Here is some reading: go to affaircare.com under articles and marriagebuilders.com under articles , both will give you a good start as to the processes to follow and the journey we will guide you through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

Survivinginfedity.com ---- ok I'll look at that today. 

I am thinking about which friend to tell. I'll get tested for STD's asap and I'll check out the articles at affairs.com and marriagebuilders. 

I have to get off line now because I have a million things to do (how will I do them? <said through tears?>????

Thanks for all the advice and support already this morning.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The problem with open marriages is that they work only in very strong marriages where the primary relationship with their spouse is the more important one. In these situations, each of the spouses is more than willing to end the open marriage if it is causing harm to the other.

Even with men, sex is the most intimate act between two people and it is often the precursor to developing a very strong emotional bond between them. A spouse may end up falling in love with the boyfriend/girlfriend and choose to leave his/her spouse for their lover.

If it's too hard for you to keep the evidence you discovered about your husband a secret, then go ahead and confront him with the truth. But know this, if you choose to do so then please show him some emotional fortitude by fighting the urge to crumble into a weak, pathetic looking mess of a human being. *Calmly, respectfully and quietly* show him the evidence. If you do this, he may feel safe enough to admit the truth to you. It's tough but it is more productive than showing him that you can't handle the truth.

I wish you good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

punktx said:


> Why does part of me want to ignore it... .




Because you're in denial. And denying the truth is very unhealthy. If you have evidence, don't tell him what proof you have but say "I am fully aware that you are looking to cheat/have cheated with other men. I will not live in an open marriage and etc."

Get tested for STDs. Staying for the kids is wrong in a situation like this. The thing is, does he even like women? Is he only into men? Sure, you could stick around and waste your life away while he gets to live the life of "straight" man/the facade of a happy family and have all his needs met while you get what... crumbs?

if that is what you signed up for, great. For me, I'd want more out of life than just being the Wife on paper and the Wife and Mother to fit society's little square.


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

So the world as I know it is about to come to an end. My kids... I don't know what to say, but their safe happy little world is about to get turned upside down. 

I will not confront him until I am no longer a blubbering mess. I need to come to terms with this, but still I'm a mess. 

I appreciate each post, and I have re-read this thread about 12 times now because I need a plan. Ugh. I hate this man even though 2 days ago I loved him.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> *Calmly, respectfully and quietly* show him the evidence. If you do this, he may feel safe enough to admit the truth to you. It's tough but it is more productive than showing him that you can't handle the truth.
> 
> /QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

punktx said:


> So the world as I know it is about to come to an end. My kids... I don't know what to say, but their safe happy little world is about to get turned upside down.
> 
> I will not confront him until I am no longer a blubbering mess. I need to come to terms with this, but still I'm a mess.
> 
> I appreciate each post, and I have re-read this thread about 12 times now because I need a plan. Ugh. I hate this man even though 2 days ago I loved him.


You come across to me as being a very strong person. You may think you are a mess but I don't believe you are a mess and I hope I can persuade you to tell yourself, constantly throughout the day 



"Even in the midst of a most challenging situation I am coping. I am calm. I am good at problem solving and decision making." 



Keep repeating this to yourself every time you feel negative, frightened, hurt ... and all the rest. Even if you know you do not feel like the bit in quotes - keep repeating it daily and believe in yourself. 

Sounds a bit silly and simplistic but please please humour me and try repeating it to yourself numerous times throughout the day, everyday, and I believe this will see help see you through and stop you feeling overwhelmed. You have good reason to feel overwhelmed but that doesnt mean you have to feel that way.

Stay strong.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I have no words of advice other than to say you aren't alone. An acquaintance of mine just came out last year after a 20 year marriage. They have 3 kids. I have no idea if she knew or not but they just got divorced. He was outed by one of his teen daughters on facebook. His life is now on a downward spiral.

Hugs stay calm, breathe and just know that no matter what you will survive this.


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

"Even in the midst of a most challenging situation I am coping. I am calm. I am good at problem solving and decision making." 

Ok, I will repeat this but I certainly am a crying awful mess. I can't focus. 

...and the tears keep coming


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to get it together and confront him and tell him you're not ok with it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The cat's out of the bag so to speak. Your husband is the one who's got to make a commitment one way or the other. But I think you know what he'll do, yes?


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> The cat's out of the bag so to speak. Your husband is the one who's got to make a commitment one way or the other. But I think you know what he'll do, yes?


I think he'll lie. Doesn't matter I'm ending the talk with "I want a divorce"

I'm going to call a divorce lawyer tomorrow. I can't confront him this weekend because we're having a party for my son. I'm having minor surgery on Monday. I should have about a week to recover. Next weekend, I'm going to confront him and life as he knows it and I know it is over. My poor kids.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

see - you are not a mess. you are thinking staight and have your priorities right re our child's party and getting your health right first. 

keep believing in yourself. sounds like u r on track.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stay on course for your children and yourself. This will get better, you know what to do, stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

I'm trying to be strong. I told 2 close friends today that I am contacting a lawyer for divorce but I didn't give them the details. I'm meeting one of them tomorrow night and I will tell her everything. 

Honestly, I'm getting a little worried that he might threaten me when I confront him. He has never been violent although he does have a short temper and screams a lot but he's never hit me or the kids. But he's a lier and I'm telling him his world is about to crumble. 
DOES this happen, do guys make physical threats at the confrontation? 

SHould I have a friend waiting in the car in the driveway?

Should I ask him to leave once I tell him that I know?

I do all the bills and If he would stay in a hotel room for a night, it may overdraw our account (depending on the week) so, do I tell him "GET OUT, but remember don't use your bank card!" :scratchhead:

In other news, I couldn't even look at him yesterday and he asked why I was mad. I continued to ignore him.

Today, I was gone all day (cried most of the day) but when we got home I had to interact with him because we have a busy night and weekend. Seemed normal except I know nothing is real here anymore where he is concerned.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You can call your local police department and explain the situation. They will probably be willing to send an officer to keep the situation calm.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Start to journal..now your emotionare off the f*cking chart, so write down what you want ,what you'll tolorate, what you won't tolorate.
Yes slow down and breath gather these thoughts and come up with a plan to confront...and remember write this confrontation plan down, b/c once you start you will be freaking out of it with emotion so have it all out lined and make it count.

Best advise "calm the f*ck down and get it together.

Once you start thinking and the shaking stops you ....hopefully get a better picture of want your family needs.

Trust me to not sweep this under the rug. I did it for 13 years. it will come back sooner or later it will come back, so please address it know..with undeniable proof of his infidelity open this can of worms with all that you have. do it for you and do it for your family.

You can't control him so don't try, but you can control what you do so think it through.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters.

Now is not the time to be weak especially in front of him. You must show confidence and strenght in front of him . no matter how hard ,he must see a women who will not stand for any sh*t.

Make sure with out a doubt that you show him the perseption of a women that can move on with out him and it's his choice to straighten up and come along or be left behind with the rest of the filth.

Good luck and no begging!


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

I'm glad to know you have friends to support you. If u feel it will make him think twice about getting physical if he knows u have a friend nearby when you have the confrontation, then go ahead and arrange it. 

I hope someone with experience can chime in re how to get him out of the house after you confront. Would I be right in saying you do not want him back should he admit/repent all when you confront?

You are strong. You are coping - and keep repeating the mantra above!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> Best advise "calm the f*ck down and get it together.


:rofl: I like this advice!

Punk, if you are fearful of how he will react, have a friend with you. Or you could call the cops. I would tell hubby what you know and that you will not live in an open marraige, possibly putting your health at risk and lying to your children every day about it being an exclusive relationship. 

Like the poster said above: stand your ground and do NOT show weakness. He needs to understand his consequences have very REAL actions.

If anyone were to move out, it should be HIM, not you. 

Good on you for visiting the lawyers. Ask about payment plans, what the laws are, distribution, etc.


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

I have already started to calm down. I am still going to confront him but I don't have the urge to scream "I KNOW what you did and what your doing!" every time I look at him. 

I can't confront him until I see a lawyer and talk to friends plus I need a plan for when he is gone. This may take a few weeks or longer, I'm thinking. :scratchhead: * How long is too long?* 

Journaling is a great idea, I'm going to start putting my thoughts down as to what I want and the different scenarios that are likely to come up. 

Sigh.

When I confront him, if repents and says he will never do it again etc. I will not believe him -- I have no reason to trust him now. I don't know what will happen but I really suspect he will deny it, even with proof. Yeah, he's that rational. 

Today was an interesting day because by all appearances it was a "normal" day around here. We had the party for my son and his family and mine were here and I was able to spend the day focusing on my kids and family and NOT on him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The sooner you see a lawyer, the better.

Glad to hear you are calming down. Keep your head up and focused and put your kids first.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a brutal situation. My story is documented on here and some of the same people have responded. If I can advise one thing that worked for me (I am a H with W who had an EA) very well is that you need to get yourself into a position to confront, as soon as you can. Don't drag it out. I agree with the others that you have to be strong, have your ducks in a row, etc. But do that quickly. Alacrity is key here. It's too big a problem to hide for long.

When you said "weeks" I cringed. Don't take that long. You are doing the right things so far. Just don't procrastinate.


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## punktx (May 12, 2011)

I saw a lawyer today so I have a better idea now of what will happen when I file. 

I don't think the confrontation will be less than 2 weeks unfortunately. I'm recovering from surgery I had yesterday and it will take at least a week before I'm able to do much. 

I want to tell confront him every time I see him, but I just can't. I'll try to move things as fast as possible though.

Thanks again all, for the input and advice. Above all my kids come first -- I'll never forget that.


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## candycorn (Jul 31, 2011)

OK....PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU CRACKED INTO THE "IN PRIVATE" BROWSING SESSIONS HE WAS DOING ON THE COMPUTER?!!! my husband browses that way too and I suspect he is cheating...but I need electronic evidence! Ive tried to open the browsing history but it shows nothing for "inprivate browsing" UGH! please help!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

candycorn said:


> OK....PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU CRACKED INTO THE "IN PRIVATE" BROWSING SESSIONS HE WAS DOING ON THE COMPUTER?!!! my husband browses that way too and I suspect he is cheating...but I need electronic evidence! Ive tried to open the browsing history but it shows nothing for "inprivate browsing" UGH! please help!


Check out the key logger thread. Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

candycorn said:


> OK....PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU CRACKED INTO THE "IN PRIVATE" BROWSING SESSIONS HE WAS DOING ON THE COMPUTER?!!! my husband browses that way too and I suspect he is cheating...but I need electronic evidence! Ive tried to open the browsing history but it shows nothing for "inprivate browsing" UGH! please help!


google crack private browsing there is info for dif browsers have no idea if they work


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