# Red Flags for dating someone new



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I will be entering the dating world again after a long time so I am a little "out of practice". What are some red flags that I should keep an eye out for so I don't get myself into the same situation I was in with my STBXW?


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Any level of dishonesty. Dishonesty in general is a huge red flag so start there for sure.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Any level of dishonesty. Dishonesty in general is a huge red flag so start there for sure.


If I could like this times infinity! Lots of things can be overcome as long as open communication takes place.
Don't forget to watch for lies of omission. Some people don't consider it a lie if they don't actually say anything.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

It depends. 

If you're only looking to date to have fun, then a criminal record or mental health issues would be red flags. 


If you're looking to date to find someone for a committed relationship then the list is long but I would start by asking how long they've been divorced. Anything less than a year is a red flag.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Beware the "lady" with a history including one or more FWB's.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you divorced yet? For how long?


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Are you divorced yet? For how long?


In the midst of my divorce now. I am not planning on dating anytime soon, for now I am concentrating on myself and being who I want to be again, but eventually I would like to date again. I don't want to make the same mistakes again that got me here. I know the one BIG red flag to look out for but wanted to hear what other people have learned where red flags.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> In the midst of my divorce now. I am not planning on dating anytime soon, for now I am concentrating on myself and being who I want to be again, but eventually I would like to date again. I don't want to make the same mistakes again that got me here. I know the one BIG red flag to look out for but wanted to hear what other people have learned where red flags.


You & I are in same boat. I have to get thru divorce, get re-established, then think about dating. One thing that I have thought of is "How do I go about finding out if person I would be considering for a LTR has aversions to receiving oral, using shower as foreplay to main event, etc"

My STBXW lied about this even in pre-marital counseling. Makes me wonder if a pre-nup is needed that states that both of partners have disclosed that they have disclosed all abuse from past with each other. Further more, both partners have listed all sexual acts that are ok in marriage. If any events come to light after marriage, marriage is null & void and each partner will only get what they brought into marriage for assets.

My main thought is how do I avoid the same mess again.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> You & I are in same boat. I have to get thru divorce, get re-established, then think about dating. One thing that I have thought of is "How do I go about finding out if person I would be considering for a LTR has aversions to receiving oral, using shower as foreplay to main event, etc"
> 
> My STBXW lied about this even in pre-marital counseling. Makes me wonder if a pre-nup is needed that states that both of partners have disclosed that they have disclosed all abuse from past with each other. Further more, both partners have listed all sexual acts that are ok in marriage. If any events come to light after marriage, marriage is null & void and each partner will only get what they brought into marriage for assets.
> 
> My main thought is how do I avoid the same mess again.


Right now I would settle for someone with no "Daddy issues" and who isn't hugely selfish LOL


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> In the midst of my divorce now. I am not planning on dating anytime soon, for now I am concentrating on myself and being who I want to be again, but eventually I would like to date again. I don't want to make the same mistakes again that got me here. I know the one BIG red flag to look out for but wanted to hear what other people have learned where red flags.


It’s actually kind of hard to even trust yourself when you first dip your toes in. Because at first you’re still raw and feel so exposed. It’s easy to get wrapped up in something that’s not ultimately going to be good for you. We almost always go through one or two rebounds at first. Meaning, someone new who we think is pretty great but it doesn’t last for a bunch of reasons. Unfortunately we may think this new rebound is “the new One” at first because we just feel so happy to be feeling giddy with that new relationship energy and we really can’t see where the problems are.

Some people get lucky and strike gold right away, but it’s more common to flounder around a bit at first. For me, I did not have the emotional capacity to care deeply about anyone for quite some time. So I focused only on a casual thing here and there, and I also took the opportunity to explore some wild and crazy stuff during that time.

You also have to recognize that you will be a red flag to some others because you’re so new to it. It’s actually difficult for someone who has moved on and been settled for a long time to date someone who is fresh out of it.

I was not truly ready for at least a year after divorce. So during that first year, just understand that others may see you as a risk.

Anyway, when you are ready, here are some common red flags:

Too bossy, clingy or controlling.

Shows signs of anger for odd reasons.

Talks too much about their exes or previous relationships.

Too much emphasis on their own appearance (shallow, arrogant or possibly insecure).

Too focused on their pets (a personal one for me, not everyone will feel this way. I love animals but I don’t date people who have pets that are too big a part of their lives.)

Weird relationships with their own family members.

Doesn’t seem to have any long term friendships.

I skimmed your thread so I assume a red flag for you would be if they had ever cheated or if they are bisexual. Not that you can always find those things out right off the bat, but you will learn to screen for certain key words and ask the right questions.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> I skimmed your thread so I assume a red flag for you would be if they had ever cheated or if they are bisexual. Not that you can always find those things out right off the bat, but you will learn to screen for certain key words and ask the right questions.


Oh, you can be sure that finding out someone's sexual orientation will be the FIRST thing I found out before ever consider dating again


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> You & I are in same boat. I have to get thru divorce, get re-established, then think about dating. One thing that I have thought of is "How do I go about finding out if person I would be considering for a LTR has aversions to receiving oral, using shower as foreplay to main event, etc"
> 
> My STBXW lied about this even in pre-marital counseling. Makes me wonder if a pre-nup is needed that states that both of partners have disclosed that they have disclosed all abuse from past with each other. Further more, both partners have listed all sexual acts that are ok in marriage. If any events come to light after marriage, marriage is null & void and each partner will only get what they brought into marriage for assets.
> 
> My main thought is how do I avoid the same mess again.


When you get to that stage, if you are open and easy breezy about it, you can talk to potential new dates about their preferences and get a lot of info that way. People who can talk about sex openly are pretty obvious and upfront about things. Those who can’t even discuss it are showing you that they may be a bit shut down in the bedroom.

You can also suss out those who are maybe too sexual or too experimental based on those early discussions too.

Not gonna lie, it’s scary at first and you feel like you can’t trust anyone because your heart is still raw. But after a few first dates, you get your feet back under you.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> FrazzledSadHusband said:
> 
> 
> > You & I are in same boat. I have to get thru divorce, get re-established, then think about dating. One thing that I have thought of is "How do I go about finding out if person I would be considering for a LTR has aversions to receiving oral, using shower as foreplay to main event, etc"
> ...


I haven't even been or am even ready to step back into it but the thought of it scares the hell.out of me. Doesn't help that I am having trust issues with basically anything the breathes. LOL


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Oh, you can be sure that finding out someone's sexual orientation will be the FIRST thing I found out before ever consider dating again


I get it, because I’m bi and have been with men who were burned by a bi woman before. So for me, I have the other side of that red flag. I can’t date anyone who has preconceived ideas of what my bisexuality means. Not all bi people are the same and not all of us are cheaters or want threesomes, etc. But I would understand if someone had been burned by it, they just will not be able to be cool with me and I accept it and don’t move forward with them. It’s best to let things go rather than try to change their mind. A lot of them actually want to exploit me also, and I suss that out very quickly now, by asking if they have ever had a threesome and a few other questions. Anyone who is too into that kind of thing is not for me.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > Oh, you can be sure that finding out someone's sexual orientation will be the FIRST thing I found out before ever consider dating again
> ...


I understand where you are coming from and believe me. I would never punish someone for what someone else did. It is different (at least in my opinion) if the person you are considering getting into a LTR was honest and upfront about it from the beginning instead of blindsiding me years down the road


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> I understand where you are coming from and believe me. I would never punish someone for what someone else did. It is different (at least in my opinion) if the person you are considering getting into a LTR was honest and upfront about it from the beginning instead of blindsiding me years down the road


For your peace of mind, I definitely think you should just avoid anybody who is bi altogether. Or even “curious”.

Sadly, you can’t really avoid someone who is just going to end up cheating with a guy. But you will know more and more who you can trust as you get back into the game. It takes time and patience with yourself. 

I don’t think most cheaters planned on cheating when they got together with someone. It comes up later when they get bored with the relationship or whatever. So that’s kind of something you have to watch for after you get exclusive with them.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > I understand where you are coming from and believe me. I would never punish someone for what someone else did. It is different (at least in my opinion) if the person you are considering getting into a LTR was honest and upfront about it from the beginning instead of blindsiding me years down the road
> ...


I agree, that is a can of worms I don't have the time or patience for again.


----------



## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

If something, anything about them is even remotely off or seems to good to be true, it usually is. If they can't stop talking about themselves. And should they casually mention that they're still friends and in touch with every ex they've ever had, that's the biggest one for me personally.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think one good indicator is whether they seem to feel responsible for their own lives. Anyone who is constantly complaining that they have been treated badly by an unfair world is a cause for concern. If some specific terrible thing happened, that is different, but if they just seem to fail at life and its always someone else's fault, that a problem IMHO.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*An entitled sense of arrogance, lying, lack of empathy, and a lack of eye contact!

That and being of an atheistic nature!*


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *An entitled sense of arrogance, lying, lack of empathy, and a lack of eye contact!
> 
> That and being of an atheistic nature!*


Aw, Arb. Some (a lot actually) atheists are total sweethearts. Was one of your wives an atheist, or can you expand on that? 

I am confused by some who identify as atheist. Because some of them are superstitious and afraid of ghosts. I don’t get that. So sometimes I’m not sure a person really is atheist even if they say they are.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> arbitrator said:
> 
> 
> > *An entitled sense of arrogance, lying, lack of empathy, and a lack of eye contact!
> ...


Well, not wanting to go too off topic, there is a difference between believing in God, and ghosts. An atheist could surely believe in the lingering of the energy of a deceased person... but it doesn't automatically mean they have to believe in God. They don't go hand in hand.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Watch how he/she treats others and how they react to small as well as large inconveniences in their lives.

Are you in agreement on big issues--parenthood, faith, health, finances, adventurous?

I need someone who is generally consistent within reason--not labile.

Remember anyone you date may be a future significant other in your life.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Well, not wanting to go too off topic, there is a difference between believing in God, and ghosts. An atheist could surely believe in the lingering of the energy of a deceased person... but it doesn't automatically mean they have to believe in God. They don't go hand in hand.


Hmmm, ok. I get ya.

I have always associated ghosts with an afterlife (and not so much ghosts as spiritual energy and consciousness). But I can see how that’s not necessary in order to believe in lingering energy in some form.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are smart to hold off awhile. Rebounds are something you want to stay away from. Plus learning to enjoy living alone can have some great benefits and being independent is an attractive trait to have.

With that said I'd be looking for someone who has it together. Job, life family, etc.

If they aren't what you're looking for dump fast and don't waste your time.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm, ok. I get ya.
> 
> I have always associated ghosts with an afterlife (and not so much ghosts as spiritual energy and consciousness). But I can see how that’s not necessary in order to believe in lingering energy in some form.


*There are quite a few Christians, FW, who do believe in the presence of ghosts, if that, in any way, makes you feel better!*


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your date, he or she, having two eye colors, one looking left, the other looking confused.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *There are quite a few Christians, FW, who do believe in the presence of ghosts, if that, in any way, makes you feel better!*


All of you who believe in me, believe in ghosts.





from the archives of SunCMars-


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

1) Watch for consistency. If he/she describes an event and the details change the next time the story is told...red flag. You may notice the details will change depending on who’s present each time.
2) Behavior changes. If basic behavior changes depending on who’s present, red flag.
3) Answering important questions. Watch for deflection. If a simple yes or no question isn’t answered with a simple yes or no, red flag. He/she doesn’t want you to know something.
4) Is he/she always a victim? He/she doesn’t take responsibility. Red flag.
5) Lying by omission, obvious red flag.

The thing with dating is honesty isn’t a given and not always for nefarious reasons. You may need to spend a fair amount of time with someone before they feel comfortable enough to open up to you. The body language, tone of voice and facial expressions will be much different between someone who’s lying and someone who’s embarrassed or shy. It should be obvious though, trust what your seeing and what your gut is telling you.


----------



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Avoid anyone that is crazy. Crazy can seem like fun, but it gets old fast and dangerous after a while.

Avoid needy people. I always lecture my kids to look for mates that you respect and think highly of. If they "need" you to complete them, you'll eventually fall short. 

Avoid negative people. Surround yourself with positive, optimistic people. People who complain a lot won't be satisfied and will nag you once they are comfortable with you.

Be cautious around people that don't have some long term friends. You want some assurance that they understand how to maintain relationships. 

Don't judge someone by their family, but don't ignore family either. If you don't click with their family and they are very close to their family, you are setting yourself up for trouble. 

Avoid people that lead two lives. If their dating life is very different from the life they lead with friends, that's a red flag. 

Watch how they treat people that they don't need to be nice to - waiters, drivers, or whatever. Obnoxious people can usually put on a good show for you, but they sometimes slip up and show their true nature around others.

Similar to the one above, watch how they treat pets/animals. They needn't be an animal person (unless that's important to you), but if they are unkind to animals it's another tip-off that they aren't really nice but are just pretending for you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I did a search on "dating red flags" and got tons of results. Here are a few good ones.

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/dating-red-flags/

https://lifehacker.com/the-red-flags-to-look-out-for-when-you-start-dating-som-1758382710

https://www.self.com/story/relationship-red-flags-never-ignore


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Wow, we seem to be building up quite a list! 

I'll add, also beware of someone who

- can't tell their life story at all clearly or coherently
- constantly needs distraction. Can't sit quietly with their thoughts. 
- has a habit of "cutting people out of their life"
- always has to be the centre of attention
- tends to oversimplify everything in a slightly menacing way (e.g. "losing weight is easy, just eat less)


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

I’ll add ( from experience, unfortunately) wants to borrow money, lives with parents , lazy , 
Says they have been clean and sober for years but seems hung over in the mornings. 
Has 100 excuses why the x has full custody of the kids. 
Talks like they have a PHD but works retail for minimum wage and has 100 excuses why.
Is hotter than a 3 dollar pistol and has several chubby older male “friends “ 
That’s a start.
Don’t be afraid to do a background check, they are confidential. 
Only about $40 for year 
Good luck


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I told my.kids if the future parent in laws says, oh you would be so good for.my son or daughter. Run dont walk.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If I were dating again.....

1. I would ensure that he has no interest in pandering to my family. My family knows no boundaries so I need to ensure that the guy I'm dating hs no interest in those sorts of games. When my sister called my (future) Husband's place to look for me, I noticed he was on the phone with her for far too long, when he handed the phone to me, he said, that was creepiest call I ever took. Good for him.

2. Anyone too religious. I know now that men lead the relationship -- whether I like it or not -- so choose wisely before it's too late. Anyone who has every Sunday morning filled with activity that he so self-righteously expects me to engage in is not a match for me.

3. A man who shows inadequate boundaries with women. these female friends want to show me how well they know this guy I'm dating. Disparage him in front of me and so on ...... and he still wants to be friends with them after that ........ run for the hills.

4. Anyone who has feelings of "owing" someone when I can't understand -- and they don't help me to understand -- what extraordinary generosity this person has provided. Particularly when this sense of debt to someone affects me in any way.... and worse, that friend behaves like an ass towards me.


----------

