# I'm so tired



## endlessgrief

It's 6:30 a.m., I am still awake in my room watching TV due to insomnia. H drinks a 5th or more of rum every night starting at midnight. I hear a loud crash and it seems like the whole house shook. I sat on my bed and didn't move for a minute because I knew what that sound was. He fell. He's a big guy and he fell. I sit on my bed dreading going into his room to see if he is alright because I really don't care. I feel my face melt and I feel achy and my stomach hurts and I'm tired. I'm so tired.

Finally my "motherly instincts" kick in (notice that I did not say "wifely instincts") and I go to investigate. He is kneeling in the doorway between his room and the bathroom. He is wearing his reading glasses and has blood gushing from his elbow to his hand. He can barely speak. He took out all the stuff that was on the night stand, a total mess.

I checked his cut and put him back to bed. Took off his reading glasses and wrapped his elbow in a towel and retreated to my room. God, my stomach hurts. 

I have been dealing with this for over 28 years and I am only 44. There is no advice any of you can give me that I haven't heard or given to others. People who have never dealt with this say JUST LEAVE! Go to ALANON and get some counseling! No sh!t. I'm not a victim and I am not stupid. I do not want a pity party. I just need to share my thoughts, get them out of my head. I'm sure a few of you on here know exactly what I am saying. 

I am reaching out to others who are where I am. Who know what needs to be done but can't/won't do it. I just wanna go home, but I am already there.


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## Lordhavok

Damn endless, big hug, dont know what to say


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## Jamison

ELG, I'm so sorry to hear this!  It must be a awful way to live.

May I ask why you chose to stay? Have you gone to Alanon before? 

You say you're not a victim BUT, yet you still feel the way a victim of a alcoholic would feel. Once again, I'm not trying to offer a pity party or tell you what to do, just asking a few questions, since I don't really know your whole story. Once again, I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## endlessgrief

Yeah, I went to ALANON for awhile, met some nice people, heard some horror stories, memorized The Serenity Prayer, and went to IC for 5 years. I start new therapy July 11.

This may sound horrible but I believe that he will not live longer than five more years. The alcohol abuse, smoking 2 packs a day, eating mostly fast food, depression, sleeping all day is wearing on him. He has really dark circles beneath his eyes, his skin tone is almost grey, the alcohol makes his stomach very distended. The reason I named this post "I'm so tired" is I fought tooth and nail for years to get him to eat right, go to the doctor, exercise, quit drinking, see a shrink, yadda yadda yadda. I only recently let go for my own sanity. I do not see a good outcome here. I am watching him wilt and rot away more everyday and I am powerless.

I also stay because he is my husband and I want to be here for when he goes down. It is just a matter of time. Every day when he sleeps in until 8:00 p.m., I am scared to go into his bedroom because I don't want to find the body. But I go anyway. Ever see a body in a casket at a funeral? That is how he lays when he sleeps. He even folds his hands on his chest like a dead man in a coffin.


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## Why Not Be Happy?

No judgement here----just support. Take care of yourself!


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## Mavash.

endlessgrief said:


> This may sound horrible but I believe that he will not live longer than five more years. The alcohol abuse, smoking 2 packs a day, eating mostly fast food, depression, sleeping all day is wearing on him.


Don't count on it. My estranged father is like this. He just turned 71 and is still very much alive and kickin. 

Unfortunately. My mother wishes him dead just to be free.


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## Runs like Dog

All of the men in my wife's family, including men her sisters married are or were alcoholics and/or drug addicts. I gotta say, the likelihood of recovery is low. Plus you're an enabler. It's not impossible for your hub to get sober but it's not better than 50.50.

My wife's oldest friend married a drunkard, divorced him, married a bigger drunkard, a 24 beers a day man, 2 packs of smokes, has A-Fib, liver disease, the whole works. You would think he'd be in the ground but no. Maybe his insides just turned to carbon and creosote. Anyway, she's probably going to divorce him too. Or not.


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## endlessgrief

Mavash. said:


> Don't count on it. My estranged father is like this. He just turned 71 and is still very much alive and kickin.
> 
> Unfortunately. My mother wishes him dead just to be free.


Mavish, I always agree with whatever you post, and this time is no different. I am certainly no fortune teller, I just tend to look on the dark side of things.


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## endlessgrief

Runs like Dog said:


> All of the men in my wife's family, including men her sisters married are or were alcoholics and/or drug addicts. I gotta say, the likelihood of recovery is low. Plus you're an enabler. It's not impossible for your hub to get sober but it's not better than 50.50.
> 
> My wife's oldest friend married a drunkard, divorced him, married a bigger drunkard, a 24 beers a day man, 2 packs of smokes, has A-Fib, liver disease, the whole works. You would think he'd be in the ground but no. Maybe his insides just turned to carbon and creosote. Anyway, she's probably going to divorce him too. Or not.


Could you explain why you think I am an enabler?


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## TBT

endlessgrief said:


> This may sound horrible but I believe that he will not live longer than five more years.


This doesn't sound horrible but very realistic.Had a cousin who died when he fell and hit his head while drunk.Being an alcoholic ramps up the odds of dying sooner rather than later enormously.

I feel where you're coming from,as I've been sober in my recovery for many years but I still remember the hurt and suffering I visited upon people that I love in the past.This isn't a judgement but I'm just curious to know if at any point have you ever left?

I'm glad you've found a place you feel comfortable enough to vent.Hope today you can find a little bit of peace.Take care.


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## LovesHerMan

You are telling yourself that nothing can be done. You are wrong. Do not listen to that chattering monkey in your head. You have the strength within you to divorce this man and make a good life for yourself.

Synthetic posted a picture of himself as a little boy in his thread. Find a picture of yourself as a little girl, stare at it, and hug that child with all your might. Tell her that she is worthy of happiness. Tell her that you will love and protect her. Tell her you will do what it takes to give her the life that she deserves.

It is going to hurt like hell, but you can get through this. The way out is through the pain; avoiding it only results in more pain and self-loathing.

Formulate an exit plan. Talk to a lawyer. See what resources you can marshall from friends. Taking action will give you the courage that you need to follow through with your plan. Please love yourself. You are worth it.


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## Jamison

ELG, I'm not sure what RLD actually means as far as being an enabler, but I will take a stab at it as far as what it means to me. 

To ME, eNabling is when someone is with a addict, and that person helps to supply that person with the problem with whatever they are doing, drugs alcohol etc. Or they ALLOW it to continue etc. For example, I had a family member who was on drugs really bad. His mother didn't buy the drugs for him he got them from the streets, but she did buy him alcohol, (he had drinking issue as well) In HER mind she felt she was helping him by letting him to do his drugs and drinking in her home. Her response to other people was, "At least he is at home and I know where he is and not out on the streets." She enabled him by allowing him to continue to live there and disrupt, hurt, and destroy others lives etc, and helping to supply him with things. In HER mind she was "helping" him stay off the streets, but in reality she was doing him a great dis-service. 

For some people enabling can mean, anyone who continues to stay and put up with another persons addiction(s). It offers no real consequence for the other person to seek help or no accountability for their continued actions. In the addicted persons mind, they may feel if another person is putting up with their bad behavior, then it must be ok and they see no real need to change. 

Thats just my take on it, not sure what RLD might have meant.


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## trey69

Some examples of Enabling:

*Bailing someone out over and over, whether its being in jail, in a tight spot, financial issues. etc.
*Giving them one more chance-again and again and again.
*Ignoring the problem in hopes it just goes away.
*Joining them in their destructive behavior.
*Accepting their justifications, excuses, rationalizations. 
*Avoiding problems, and trying to keep the peace. 
*Doing for them what they should be doing for themselves
*Trying to soften or even remove the natural consequence of the behavior.
*Trying to fix their problem(s)
*Always coming to the rescue.
*Trying to control the problem or person.


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## GhostRydr

Story sounds like my wife so I know what its like but have decided to end it after 3 years. No way am I gonna deal with her crap. Initially, I was like, sure she brings a lot of it on herself and much of it is due to family upbringing/abuse and lack of work losing self esteam, and I do on one level feel so sorry for her while on the same level hate her for what she has out me thru.

I dont love her, cant stand her most of the time, still care about what happens to her..heck..if I hit the lotto, Id give her money to live on but will still leave her in a heartbeat. If that makes sense...but I aint sticking around.


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## endlessgrief

Oh man Ghostrydr, excellent post. You really get it! I don't want to see him hurt and I know he is in pain inside that he will not share or even acknowledge, but I have stopped making this my problem. 

Whenever he drinks, I disappear. I go away. He doesn't seem to know I am gone. Sucks for the ego but necessary for my sanity. I refuse to take the blame. He tries to tell me that because he pays the bills and I don't have a job right now, he turns things around on me whenever I try to broach the subject of his drinking and my unhappiness. He is avoidance. How do you get through to someone who rolls their eyes, turns the blame on something YOU did, or shuts down? 

Any advice about this would be greatly appreciated.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

i think you know where i stand on this endless.
i just hope the best for you. i really do.
*((HUGS))*


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## Californiagirl

Hi endlessgrief,

I have been in your shoes. I recently celebrated my 16th anniversary. My husband was chronically alcoholic for the first 12.5 years of our marriage. When we met we were in our early twenties, partied, fell in love and got married. I knew that my husband abused alcohol but I never had a clue what I was in for (but there were signs).

I naivelly believed that my husband would grow up and the alcohol abuse would subside. We started a successful business and had four amazing children. Everything seemed to being going well minus the alcohol abuse that bothered me every day. I expressed my thoughts about the abuse every day. I am not a drinker so, of course, I didn't get it. I was holier than thou. I was square. I was no fun. I was miserable. Yet time marched on.

Finally in December of 2008, everything came to a head. I could see my husband physically deteriorating; he was bloated and overweight by 25 pounds, he was eating about twenty TUMS per day (for heartburn), he was verbally and physically abusive, he would wake in the middle of the night and urinate on our bedroom floor, he threw up on himself and the bed when he passed out one time, every square foot of our house had an empty beer bottle "hidden" in it so I wouldn't know? 

I finally hit a wall in my life. Although, my husband had been a highly functioning alcoholic, I knew the time had come to stop the insanity.

One morning before my husband was leaving for work (still hung over), I told him that I was done (I had said it a million times before but this time I truly meant it). He proceeded to get a knife from the kitchen a told me that he wanted to kill me. I was not afraid just so sad to see HOW sick he was. He then left for work and I called the police. The police picked him up and brought him to jail. When the police came to my house for a statement, I told them that we needed help. My husband had to go to treatment immediately which he did.

The significance to my story is this: I had to finally realize that I had to get out of the crazy situation I was in. Any life seemed better than being with an alcoholic. I had four young children, no serious prospects of providing for them on my own, no plan. The insanity that was my reality had to STOP! 

It isn't that you do not love the alcoholic but you have to love yourself first. You know what is and is not okay. Remove yourself from the sickness. Enabling is just being there. Let your husband fall to some extent.

Life is too short to let ANYONE drag you down to the abyss.

It has now been three and a half years that my husband has been sober. We are back on track (with a lot of hard work) to a good/happy/healthy life. I feel super lucky and happy for my husband, myself and our children. I lived in H*ll long enough and would never go back another day.

In your heart you know what is right. Follow the correct path and things will work out for the best. I promise!!!


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## endlessgrief

Californiagirl, your response was excellent and very helpful. The TUMS thing, oh my God, have you been spying on us?  The urination in places that are not the toilet. Blood on the sheets and the floor and I have to play CSI and look for where he is cut, he doesn't remember.

He was diagnosed with clinical depression when he was a kid. He was raised by an alcoholic father who used to take my H with him to the bars so he could drive him home. MY HUBBY WAS 10 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME. 

So the economy took a nosedive, I lost a great paying job and am having a hard time finding a new one. He is not working since he does new construction plumbing and no one is building houses anymore. Instead of finding work and bidding jobs, he just shut down completely. Thankfully, when he had money, he paid off the house and vehicles so we only pay for utilities so money isn't the issue. It does make me crazy when he complains about money and then goes out and buys a fifth of rum and smokes. If he quit the smoking and the drinking, we would have much more money!

I had a shopping addiction, had to claim bankruptcy. Whenever I bring up his drinking he will turn it around and point the finger at me about my spending. Then he rolls is eyes and refuses to speak, he doesn't want to argue. 

Oh, and the knife thing! He did that to me when I wanted to leave back in 2007. I came home from work to find him passed out in his chair with a knife sticking out of his chest (it was about 1/2 in his skin) and his whole stomach was covered in blood. He scrawled a note that said (You wanna stab me in the heart, I started the process, now you push it all the way in. You finish it). After years of therapy and ALANON, I knew that he was manipulating me with guilt and it didn't work. 

He refuses to go to the doctor to get on anti-depressants. He says it's because of the money. Bullsh!t. I never miss an appointment and I go quite frequently so the doctor can see how I am doing on my anti-anxiety meds. 

People who don't live with an alki have no idea what we go through. They read our posts and complaints and then they see us say we still love the alki and they think we are nuts. When not drunk, my husband is a wonderful man who can make me laugh like no other. He is kind and soft spoken. He has the ability to calm me down because I am his opposite. 

My fear is that I view him more like a son than a husband. I am the caretaker. 

Oh, a few years back, I had two EA's that he found out about (by snooping) and I told him I wanted to feel desired again, I wanted to feel sexy. Well, he also throws that in my face when we argue, and since I am guilty, I don't know how to fight back. 

I am working very hard on myself and my confidence. Things cannot change overnight. I do know he won't quit drinking until he wants to, and I do not see that happening any time soon. And that crap about hitting bottom? I'm tired of waiting for him to hit bottom. I have left him before, he has been in jail a few times for DUI, he had to have that thing on his truck he had to blow in to start his car, he had to be driven everywhere for two years by everyone. 

I just need advice on how to fight back when he throws my mistakes in my face whenever I bring up his drinking. He is doing it to shut me up and it is working, which makes my resentment grow.


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## CallaLily

endlessgrief said:


> I just need advice on how to fight back when he throws my mistakes in my face whenever I bring up his drinking. He is doing it to shut me up and it is working, which makes my resentment grow.


This is a vicious cycle, and one that needs to be broke. Only You can break it. You do not need to learn how to fight back when he throws up things in your face, you need to get out of the situation, and move on with your life. You deserve a happy, healthy, meaningful one and if means being alone to have that, then it just does,. Fighting back, isn't helping its not letting you both move forward its keeping you where you are.


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## Cherry

endless - my 44 year old cousin just died this weekend from a fall while drunk. She cracked her head open and was brain dead. Her H begged her to not go out Saturday night, she did anyway. She is gone now. 

I chose to end my communication with her about 4 months ago or so. I had stopped drinking entirely 7 months ago and I just couldn't deal with her drama with my sobriety. 

I have no words of wisdom or advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that I can understand your pain and struggle and that I wish you all the best. My cousin was the 4th alcohol related premature death in our family. I would've been there too eventually.


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## endlessgrief

Cherry, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. It's awful when you see the train coming and cannot get your loved one out of the way. Her death seems so unnecessary, a waste, and horribly sad. My prayers are with you and your family.


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