# Is it perfectly OK to treat your spouse like a sex object?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There has been a lot of talk of late about objectification of women, and men. Most of it seems to lean toward a negative light; i.e., it's wrong to treat your spouse like a "sex object", or use them just to "get your rocks off".

But is it, really? Sex has differing components, and at any given time can hold various meanings, and purposes. It is not all one thing or the other; it can be _this_ at one juncture, and _that _at the next. You might make love today, connected, full, and emotionally rich, and straight raw screw the time after that.

There have been times when my wife has said "You were different. It's like I was just some girl off the street, and you just TOOK me". At first I wondered if this was a criticism, or a mark against those moments where I didn't treat her delicately, or even uniquely. But she quickly clarified that it's NOT a bad thing, just a different thing; in fact she finds those moments quite a turn on. In those moments I DO use her, in a way that is not typical, or as focused on complete mutual pleasure.

And there are times when I know my wife objectifies me. She's after one thing, and one thing only; the ****. There are times when she is so focused of mind that she doesn't "see" me, only my body. It's very animalistic. It's those times where you're awoken in the night being fondled, sucked, or ****ed. In those moments it's a deep, gut level, raw need.

These topics on TAM of late, this raging debate about objectification, has gotten me to really hone in on my thoughts regarding the matter. And my conclusion is this:

If you're both fine with it, objectify away! 

What about you? Do you sometimes use your spouse purely as a sex object? Do you feel any guilt about this? Does your spouse use you in this way, and you are NOT comfortable with it?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Sounds exciting to me. I think being a sex object for my husband would turn me on big time. I'd feel sexy and desired.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think we all want to be attractive to our spouse, and I have no issue with it, as long both people are consenting and for me there has to be love there. Because then i know when all is said and done, he also loves me and I'm not replaceable, I'm not a cum receptacle. I'm also a cherished human being.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

LittleDeer is right, as long as it love that's behind it. I sometimes look at my wife after being together 14 years like that. I hope she does too.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

my wife loves to grope me when I am naked. Help, I am being objectified. Should I file a report to the police? 

Joking aside, I agree with what Mrs. Tracy, Mrs. Littledeer and Mr. Richie said above. 

Mr. Jaquen. I wonder why would you waste your intellectual capacity and energy discussing this. What kind of people brought up this kind of trash about "objectification"? In a happy, loving marriage, there are no such talk, because *both spouses are looking at each other as "object of desire"*. Is this wrong? I could go the other way and saying that in a sexless marriage, the partner that is doing the sex-withholding are using the other partner as an object of hatred, by making the partner's life miserable.

All this talk about sex-objectification of partner in marriage being wrong and negative, only occurs in an unloving marriage. The fact that there are such talk is a proof that some marriages are not healthy. An unhealthy marriage, which counselling cannot fix, can be treated by a righteous divorce. Simple as that.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

In some cases, spouses earn the way they get treated.
If some don't have any qualms about treating their spouse as a meal ticket, they shouldn't be surprised in how they get treated, either.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

We both treat each other like sex objects. We both grope one another at home or while out. Yea we love one another and have the other on a pedestal but we are very sexual and like to express it. 

We both have sex out of love and just because sex is fun.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Is calling him "my penis on legs" objectification? If so then yes I treat him like a sex object, he hasn't complained yet.

I agree with Littledeer, if there is love behind it then all is good.

As a woman I have no problem with being the object of his raw animal desires at times, it turns me on.
But that is tempered with lots of very, long and loving sessions.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

All depends on context.

If the foundation is solid and each partner KNOWS the value they hold in the other's heart, then this is a fun shake-me-up.

However, to be constantly treated like just a hole to stick it in, that's demeaning and deflating. Fo sho.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Holland said:


> Since when do people have to justify how much time they spend on forums? This post sounds a bit passive aggressive to me.


:iagree:

But yes, I am doing a research. As an Asian, I have this long entrenched belief that Asian ways are not inferior to Western ways, and vice versa. I am baffled by the fact that Western people has very high divorce rate, despite all the advances they made in modern medicine and behavioral sciences. 

My country will not stay backwards forever, one day we will grow into a developed country, and maybe we will face the same problems with Westerners. Therefore I want to read about their lessons learned and best practices in regards to maintaining harmony in married life.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Tigger said:


> With your happy family life, it seems odd that you would be on this forum so much. I would think you would have better things to do.
> 
> What does this have to do with the topic? is why you started the topic in the first place. Are you writing articles about these things? Doing research?


Im curious... How is it "odd" that a MARRIED man ison a MARRIAGE forum? Its not... Talk about broken, miserable marriage... Its talk about marriage. Besides with iphones and such people can multi task quite easily not to mention..... We can all learn from those in happy, fullfilling marriages as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> But yes, I am doing a research. As an Asian, I have this long entrenched belief that Asian ways are not inferior to Western ways, and vice versa. I am baffled by the fact that Western people has very high divorce rate, despite all the advances they made in modern medicine and behavioral sciences.
> 
> My country will not stay backwards forever, one day we will grow into a developed country, and maybe we will face the same problems with Westerners. Therefore I want to read about their lessons learned and best practices in regards to maintaining harmony in married life.


What do you think the divorce rate is in the USA?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Jaquen... To answer your question... There are times my man objectifies me and times I objectify him. Hell I probably use him more then he uses me but we both do make love to each other as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shouldn't we define what is meant by treating a spouse like a sex object is?

I hardly think that lusting after one's spouse is objectifying them. To me that sounds like a good marriage.

The one thing that I can think of that is objectifying for sex would be when one spouse only uses the other to get off sexually and really does nothing to give their spouse sexual pleasure. I've known a few women who had husbands who did this.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What do you think the divorce rate is in the USA?


From what I read in Wikipedia, the divorce rate in the USA is above my country. Which means the challenges to maintain a healthy marriage is much harder in the USA. I believe the pressure is harder too. 

This is not a slam at American people. Difficult marriages are not the monopoly of Americans alone. The very existence of this forum is a proof that Americans recognized the challenges, and seek ways to resolve their problems. It is always better to recognize a problem and seek a solution, rather than pretending that the problem does not exist.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I hardly think that lusting after one's spouse is objectifying them. To me that sounds like a good marriage.


:smthumbup:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That is true Ele....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> From what I read in Wikipedia, the divorce rate in the USA is above my country. Which means the challenges to maintain a healthy marriage is much harder in the USA. I believe the pressure is harder too.
> 
> This is not a slam at American people. Difficult marriages are not the monopoly of Americans alone. The very existence of this forum is a proof that Americans recognized the challenges, and seek ways to resolve their problems. It is always better to recognize a problem and seek a solution, rather than pretending that the problem does not exist.


The divorce rate in the USA is somewhere between 20% - 30%. The more educated the couple is the lower the divorce rate. The older they are when they marry, the lower the divorce rate.

You make the assumption that the reason the divorce rate is lower in your country is because marriages are healthier in your country. I rather doubt that. In your country divorce is still has a very bad social stigma. Married couples put up with a lot more in your country that many would here in the USA.

We have had quite a few women on this forum from your country and other 3rd world countries who talk about the violent abuse and serious emotional abuse. But they say that they cannot divorce because their family tells them that they have to stay in the marriage so as to not bring shame on the family. The women are afraid of becoming social outcasts who can never remarry. Some even have stated that they are afraid that if they divorce, their younger sisters will never be able to find a husband due to the shame.

I have lived in countries where divorce is like it is in your country. I have seen women treated horribly by their husbands. But they cannot divorce because of the social and family pressure.

Forcing people to stay in unhealthy marriages does not make the marriages in that socieity healthier.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You make the assumption that the reason the divorce rate is lower in your country is because marriages are healthier in your country. I rather doubt that. *In your country divorce is still has a very bad social stigma. Married couples put up with a lot more in your country that many would here in the USA*.


That could be a reason, but that also does not means that most marriages here in my country are bad either. Points taken btw.



> We have had quite a few women on this forum from your country and other 3rd world countries who talk about the violent abuse and serious emotional abuse. *But they say that they cannot divorce because their family tells them that they have to stay in the marriage so as to not bring shame on the family. The women are afraid of becoming social outcasts who can never remarry. Some even have stated that they are afraid that if they divorce, their younger sisters will never be able to find a husband due to the shame.*


That might be correct in other South or Southeast Asian countries, but In my country, there are no stigma for widows to remarry, so that point of yours above does not apply to our situation. Our 1st female President herself (Madame Megawati) was in her 2nd marriage when she became president.



> I have lived in countries where divorce is like it is in your country. I have seen women treated horribly by their husbands. But they cannot divorce because of the social and family pressure.


Indeed, the strength of the clan is often enough to do that, and the pressure goes both ways, especially in the way of arranged marriages. 



> Forcing people to stay in unhealthy marriages does not make the marriages in that socieity healthier.


Points taken. BTW. I am not here to debate whether our way of life is inferior to yours or not. I am here to learn. I always recognize that Western countries are more advanced in many ways than us Asians, and I want to recognize the problems that you are facing today, so that we will be more prepared in the future.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Back to the OP question.

IMHO, 
Within a stable relationship between two consenting adults, anything goes as long as it make you both happy.

The problems only occure when people mis one or more of these out.
Two consenting adults,
Stable relationship,
Both happy.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> From what I read in Wikipedia, the divorce rate in the USA is above my country. Which means the challenges to maintain a healthy marriage is much harder in the USA.


Actually it means that Americans have more freedom.

In my country divorce rate is about 30% and slowly climbing up. I do believe the rate would at least double if weren't for kids or finances.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> Actually it means that Americans have more freedom.


more freedom? not because their lives are more challenging/more difficult?



> In my country divorce rate is about 30% and slowly climbing up. I do believe the rate would at least double if weren't for kids or finances.


30% is a bit high, Maybe due to bad economy conditions? bad economy is really putting lots of stress and tension which will break many marriages. 

Ehh btw, I think we are OOT.. why don't we continue this discussion in PM?


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Jaquen, your original post pretty much summed up my relationship with my wife, and a few tidbits thrown in by john lord. Object? yeah and no, just depends on the mood I guess. Theres no telling with her and her raging hormones. Sometimes she wants to make love, other times she asks me if I want to f*ck. Were both Ld so the mix is explosive all the time. I guess alot of times I do see her as a sex object, a trophy wife, ect. I tend to be jealous and overprotective and treat her like property sometimes. She has no complaints, and due to reading other peoples veiws, I thought this might be a problem with her, but its not, so it works out good. Shes my queen, and yeah, I've spoiled her rotten. She can be a diva, but its my own fault and I love her for it.


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## JWilliams (Jul 2, 2012)

My wife has woken me up in the middle of the night and just wanted to be effed. No love making.. Harder.. Faster... I love it

And there are times when she has been in laying on her side in with her knees near her chest in the middle of the night and I take her. 

No objections on either side. We are humans after all.. We are still animals


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I have told my wife numerous times to feel free to use me as a sex object.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

I have no issues/insecurities with my husband using me as his sex object 4% of the time when I know that he doesn't objectify me 96% of the time.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

I have no issue with it, as long as it the rest of the relationship is on solid ground.

If the relationship is rocky and my needs are not being met, then yes, I am going to feel like a sperm dumpster or a masturbatory device.

But if I know in my heart that he loves me and if he shows me on a regular basis that he does, I have no problem animal ****ing when we get to the bedroom.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> There has been a lot of talk of late about objectification of women, and men. Most of it seems to lean toward a negative light; i.e., it's wrong to treat your spouse like a "sex object", or use them just to "get your rocks off".
> 
> But is it, really? Sex has differing components, and at any given time can hold various meanings, and purposes. It is not all one thing or the other; it can be _this_ at one juncture, and _that _at the next. You might make love today, connected, full, and emotionally rich, and straight raw screw the time after that.


I agree.



> There have been times when my wife has said "You were different. It's like I was just some girl off the street, and you just TOOK me". At first I wondered if this was a criticism, or a mark against those moments where I didn't treat her delicately, or even uniquely. But she quickly clarified that it's NOT a bad thing, just a different thing; in fact she finds those moments quite a turn on. In those moments I DO use her, in a way that is not typical, or as focused on complete mutual pleasure.
> 
> And there are times when I know my wife objectifies me. She's after one thing, and one thing only; the ****. There are times when she is so focused of mind that she doesn't "see" me, only my body. It's very animalistic. It's those times where you're awoken in the night being fondled, sucked, or ****ed. In those moments it's a deep, gut level, raw need.


There are times I pretend to be a prostitute for my husband.  It's not that I don't enjoy the warm, tender, amazing love making we share, but sometimes I wonder what sex with him would have been like if we had met at the gym, gone out for a drink or two, and then just had a crazy, awesome time between the sheets? Cause I know him SO well by now that, even when we do have sex for nothing more than physical pleasure, it's not really _just_ for physical pleasure. I like pretending to be something totally different than we are. 

In fact, I've suggested that some time we should go to a bar we don't usually frequent, go in separately(without our wedding rings on) and play out a scenario of meeting each other for the first time and then having sex. It's one of my fantasies, actually. I was such a "good girl" when we dated that I've often wondered what it would be like to have had sex with him without really knowing him really well. 



> These topics on TAM of late, this raging debate about objectification, has gotten me to really hone in on my thoughts regarding the matter. And my conclusion is this:
> 
> If you're both fine with it, objectify away!
> 
> What about you? Do you sometimes use your spouse purely as a sex object? Do you feel any guilt about this? Does your spouse use you in this way, and you are NOT comfortable with it?


I love it and so does he. I wish he would buy a pair of sparkly hand-cuffs, honestly. And a home pole for me to dance on.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

jaquen said:


> What about you? Do you sometimes use your spouse purely as a sex object? Do you feel any guilt about this? Does your spouse use you in this way, and you are NOT comfortable with it?


no.no because #1 question i answered with 'no'.
#3: YES PLEASE.sometimes i wish STBXH would try that. i have no sixpacks, granted, but i keep my weight on check, i wear makeup,im not ugly, im frisky around him and yes please do objectify me.bring the toys, handcuffs, nutella, whiplash, all those kinky costumes.
i wanted to be his 5lut, but no, he didn't want it.
so yeah.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

jaquen said:


> There has been a lot of talk of late about objectification of women, and men. Most of it seems to lean toward a negative light; i.e., it's wrong to treat your spouse like a "sex object", or use them just to "get your rocks off".
> 
> But is it, really? Sex has differing components, and at any given time can hold various meanings, and purposes. It is not all one thing or the other; it can be _this_ at one juncture, and _that _at the next. You might make love today, connected, full, and emotionally rich, and straight raw screw the time after that.
> 
> ...


When a man has sexual value to his wife. It turns her on to be treated like an object/pornstar.

If he has been rather more in need of sex and more on discussing sexual issues, I cant remember a woman who is then turned on by being wanted to be treated as a sex object. 
..YES, she might say she is bored about sex being too vanilla and that sometimes she wants to be taken like punching bag, BUT she will not be aroused by you taking her like that just because SHE wanted it that way! She prefers it like a pornstar when she BELIEVES YOU Mr Husband wants her like a pornstar.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> There has been a lot of talk of late about objectification of women, and men. Most of it seems to lean toward a negative light; i.e., it's wrong to treat your spouse like a "sex object", or use them just to "get your rocks off".
> 
> But is it, really? Sex has differing components, and at any given time can hold various meanings, and purposes. It is not all one thing or the other; it can be _this_ at one juncture, and _that _at the next. You might make love today, connected, full, and emotionally rich, and straight raw screw the time after that.
> 
> ...


To me, this is a misuse of the term objectification. Maybe for a short period of time, you or your wife are in it just for the sex, but I bet that if you always treated her like some girl off the street, or she always acted like you were nothing more than a hard penis,you'd both end up feeling degraded and used.

The problem of objectification does not come from a night (or two, or three) of animalistic sex; it comes from stripping another human being of their agency and reducing their personality to body parts. I'm sure that does not describe your relationship with your wife -- but it does describe how women are (often) portrayed in various media and how many are treated by men in their daily interactions.


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