# Am I doing the right thing??



## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

My H and I had problems with sex right after our marriage possible because of varying libidos but also because of his unsympathetic attitude towards my pain/health problems that I had during the six months that we spent together.
Hes a kinda moms boy who d handover all the money he earns to his mum.He has always kept his finances under control even if it meant denying me some of my basic needs like buying comfy shoes to work.Until i received my first salary he wudnt even hand me enuf money nor let me go out on my own for any reason.
He doesnt take me out often and if he does he shows hes paying me back and that hurts even more.I fail to have good time and no longer enjoy his company because he does it out of i cant say what.He is a no outing guy who likes to sleep on a sunday till evening in his bed and all we are left wid his few hrs of enjoyment which i fail to enjoy.
His affection for me always seemed fake to get something out of me(sex) and I can say this cuz he has never been friendly ,or helped me in daily chores and keeps watching TV when I clean do the laundry and even do the dishes which I have told him a hundred times we should hire a maid for .They even had one before I was married to him but she left month after my marriage possibly cuz they had got an unpaid one now.
We have neva had a healthy talk discussion on anything.We hardly talk!!It wasnt like this before we got married .
My H wants me to go and work all day,cook for him and family before and after work ,do all the daily stuff without his help and never refuse him sex even if Im damn tired or having some health problem.He forces himself on me and if I refuse he utters hurtful words and has even asked me to leave his house if I cant "cooperate" and has even abused me.
He is aggressive by nature and had even locked me up without food for a day.I admit to have a lower drive than him but I feel I no longer love him cuz he so damn rude to me.He doesn't ever listen to me or tries to make me happy.I used to cook all he likes dress up all gud the way he likes but he'd neva appreciate me for anything,be it looks or anything.It sometimes makes me wonder why did he marry me at all.
Its six months we have separated and he hasnt contacted me just once in this time...Im filing for divorce


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

You are making an excellent decision. "Forcing himself" on you is rape. Locking you up is abuse. Get out! You deserve much, much better.


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## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

I agree. It's time to move on. Maybe after date 1. Take care of yourself and stay away from this abusive person!


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

healme said:


> He forces himself on me and if I refuse he utters hurtful words and has even asked me to leave his house if I cant "cooperate" and has even abused me.
> He is aggressive by nature and had even locked me up without food for a day.
> 
> Its six months we have separated and he hasnt contacted me just once in this time...Im filing for divorce


healme, 

Holy cow.
I would say you are doing the right thing yes.
A million times yes. 

You ultimately have to find the strength to save yourself and protect yourself.


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## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

Thankyou guys...i think i need to standup for myself and stop hoping things would change...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

healme, yes if he is abusing you like you say then absolutely you gotta split and protect yourself.

Just make sure you are being honest and seek the truth - I say this not because there is no reason to not believe you... it's just this is a somewhat anonymous place and it your story sounds exactly like the kind of stuff I can imagine my wife is saying about our relationship. But in her case she is not well grounded in economic reality and is kind of rewriting our history, her small little lies have really added up and now I think she has recreated the reality in her mind to fit her fantasy she wants to be living.

You ask why he married you at all? But why did you marry him?


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## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

Lon,
I dont know about your true situation as well and if this might be what your wife sums up the situation as I think you too need to look for advise.
In my case what I have expressed is only a part of the abuse I have gone through ...
If I could be locked for a day who knows where this agression would land me .
And secondly I married him because these bouts of violent aggression neva cum to picture before marriage .
Im sorry about your situation with your wife whatever that might be but I think it has put you in the mindframe to question my honesty.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes, putting aside all the stuff you were doing that was just underappreciated... if he was striking you(physical assault), forcing himself on you (sexual assault) or locking you up (forcible confinement) then absolutely you are doing the right thing being separate (as far away from him as you can be) and filing for divorce... more importantly you should also have him charged for the crimes he has committed against you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

And Healme, I'm sorry for question your honesty, but the fact that you posted wondering if you are doing the right thing when it "should" be painfully clear to you just wasn't sitting easily with me... plus the fact that you seem to be mixing the general under-appreciation (ie watches tv while you make supper) with the actual abuse (ie forcible confinement) made me question your grasp on the truth. Then again I'm not a victim of abuse, so I'm not entirely sure how easy it is for someone in your shoes to detach... but I can say with certainty, that you did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment from him, it is a flaw in HIS character to bully, intimidate and disrespect his wife. So don't look back there is nothing for you with him.


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## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

I see your point Lon.
But the country and the religion where I belong, divorce is a big NO NO and we dont see them around like I see them on this forum.
In India you die in the house you get married into and you just cant look back so that makes you suck up as much as you can.I dont understand why women are made to take marriage as a test of their endurance here.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

healme, I didn't realize that cultural/family-of-origin issue was in play here too... i agree divorce is very commonplace in N.America, perhaps too much, as it sounds it is not commonplace enough in India. It is still good that you are separate and not in contact with your H, it surely sounds that he hasn't shown you any honor, quite the opposite. Good luck to you moving forward in your divorce.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

If possible, move as far away from this nutjob as possible.


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## Believe21 (Nov 11, 2012)

I can relate to you in the "locking you up without food" It is hard to realize, and face, we put up this. Yet, we become conditioned to think this is our value, all we are worth. You know the "control" word, "cooperate"..My key word is "respect"..This is narcissist personality disorder. Not sure what level your husband is...I am going through the highest level, and beyond( trying to determine, bordering psychotic)..However, we get caught up, in blaming ourselves and deserve what we get...It's a continuous cycle, and not sure how to get out!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Believe,

If no one answers you, it's because the thread was from July of 2011.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

healme

how exciting.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A LIFE SWEETIE 

you are going to wake up in the morning and do whatever it is that's going to make you smile. 
Isn't that awesome?


So...yes and yes and yes. You're doing the right thing.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

dammit- i got sucked in too! old thread

still laughing


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## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

Thanks !!
Oncehisangel, thanks a lot for your good wishes ..
Believe 21 Im sorry you re going throught something similar cuz i know its destructive,but here what I have to tell you,my divorce was finalized in August 2011 and Im "healed"
Nothing is more deleterious than being with an abusive partner who leads you into believing youre worth nothing.
It has been over a year since I logged into this account and seriously I moved on,I feel so blessed to just be out that negative environment,Im single but you know what I love it.
I appreciate every single day of my life just as it is.
Im complete and im full now.
And Conrad, I like your tagline 'Forgive and relive' reminds me of Shania Twain's documentry why not that she filmed after her divorce.
Its important to forgive to move on,not for the other person but for yourself in your mind just free yourself by forgiveness...it helps
Thanks ya all ,havent been here in a while but am glad I got all the support that I did ,Im now in US and doing neuroscience research ,life's good


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## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

oncehisangel said:


> healme
> 
> how exciting.
> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A LIFE SWEETIE
> ...


youre so right,I wakeup and do whatever makes me smile
Yes ,its like a second take on life and yes thats awesome.
I know I did the right thing but I dunno why women in India are led into believing its not...I wish I could help more like me


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

So nice to read a thread that though it starts out so horrendously ends up with such a positive result and hopeful message from the OP!!

healme,so very nice to see where you are now...carpe diem!:smthumbup:


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## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

lol I had to google what 'Carpe diem' meant (Google's my best friend in this country) and
THANKS


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