# Confused!!



## cntrywrtr (Jan 25, 2010)

Ok...I'm not really sure where to start. I have been with my fiance for a little over 3 years now. He is bipolar and has some emotional issues which I've always dealt, but this last August he got real distant all of a sudden almost literally over night. Then told me he was going to clear his head and left. I find out he had told several of our friends we were breaking up the next day. We went to dinner and talked that night and he ended up staying. He told me that he had left bc he wanted to kill himself and that he told our friends we broke up bc he was sure that I wouldn't want him back. We were laying in bed the next nyt and I saw a msg he was texting to a woman we worked with and when I asked who he was texting he said noone he was saving music. Then I started getting paranoid and chking his phone. I saw a msg he replied to her sayin hey wats up and his msg said "missin you you didn't come c me again today " I confronted him and he said he missed her as a friend and nothing else. It's been about 5 months since and things have been very rocky bc of the situation. I am very paranoid that he is cheating and is just settling for me til he can find a better place to go and every little thing upsets me(like him going in to work 2 hours early this morning). I chkd his phone record and his boss did text and ask him to come into wk early, but I just can't shake this feeling. Idk what to do. I want to fix our relationship and be back to the way we were before the incident. ;( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

The bipolar issues and the possibility of infidelity MIGHT be related, but they might not. I would suggest dealing with them separately.

With respect to his bipolar disease I trust he is managing that with meds and therapies. I would hope as his fiancee you are involved in that at least to the point of being knowledgeable about what he needs to do to manage himself.

With respect to the potential infidelity, I think you need to figure out what YOU need to be able to stop checking up on him so that you can work to restore trust and confidence in your relationship. Maybe that's work with a counselor, maybe that's just a series of conversations between you so that you can feel heard and understood, and so that he can become confident that he 1) can be completely honest with you, and 2) knows that you actually believe him.

Trust occurs in feedback loops. If he doesn't feel safe to be honest with you, he won't, and you'll dig around looking for reasons not to trust him, which you will find. If he does come clean but thinks you don't believe him, resentments will build, maybe he'll hide other things from you, and the cycle will continue. Someone has to start a new cycle.

That's my 2cents, anyway.


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