# Dating after D feeling like once bitten, twice shy!



## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

I'm enjoying being single and dating again; being able to go out with different girls, sharing in new experiences, and seeing how I mesh with different personalities has been fun and exciting.

However, one thing that I've realized about myself is I'm not as romantic as I was with my ex-wife. I know I can't compare my relationship with an ex-wife to someone I just went on a few dates with, but I remember even at the beginning of my relationship with my ex-wife I was a lot more romantic but also younger and maybe more naive about love. Lol.

I was a never a "wear my heart on my sleeve" type of guy, so now after going through this whole divorce I feel even more guarded. I enjoy dating but sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be fully back to the way I use to be. Maybe I'm not meeting girls that I'm head over heels about, maybe I'm not giving these girls a fair shot, or maybe it's me not really ready to jump into a serious relationship just now. I just hope that this isn't the way I'll always be now, and hopefully there is someone I'll meet that makes me do all the wonderful things that I did for my ex-wife when I first met her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Coming from an old fart who is twice cheated on in as many marriages, you'll find that your guard will always be up, more especially now!

Sometimes, I am of the warped attitude of whoever might come along to picque my interest on a romantic plane, I have to remain somewhat aversive to their advances and affection for me, primarily because somewhere in the far reaches of my soul, I just know that if I open my heart up to them, that they'll end up cheating on me as well!

Don't ever want to subject myself to go through that deception again!*


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is still new and it takes time. Remember these women you are just meeting are strangers and you shouldn’t feel anything for them. That develops over time and In a relationship and you are older and figured out more about yourself. Sounds like you’re doing great just be patient and have fun


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

Wolf1974 said:


> This is still new and it takes time. Remember these women you are just meeting are strangers and you shouldn’t feel anything for them. That develops over time and In a relationship and you are older and figured out more about yourself. Sounds like you’re doing great just be patient and have fun


Yeah, that's true; I need to remember that! Sometimes I feel I can be more flirtatious towards them and that usually tends to come out more after we've had a few drinks because it makes me drop my guard more, but when we go out again I'm back to being more reserved again since we haven't had any drinks yet so they probably don't know how to take me. Lol.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

dennisg1 said:


> Yeah, that's true; I need to remember that! Sometimes I feel I can be more flirtatious towards them and that usually tends to come out more after we've had a few drinks because it makes me drop my guard more, but when we go out again I'm back to being more reserved again since we haven't had any drinks yet so they probably don't know how to take me. Lol.


Thats not a bad thing either.

Sounds to me like you are right where you should be.

The goal of dating doesn't HAVE to be a relationship. That's up to you.

As long as you are enjoying yourself, and your date is enjoying herself, without worrying about what it all means and what comes next, then you're doing just fine.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

dennisg1 said:


> I'm enjoying being single and dating again; being able to go out with different girls, sharing in new experiences, and seeing how I mesh with different personalities has been fun and exciting.
> 
> However, one thing that I've realized about myself is I'm not as romantic as I was with my ex-wife. I know I can't compare my relationship with an ex-wife to someone I just went on a few dates with, but I remember even at the beginning of my relationship with my ex-wife I was a lot more romantic but also younger and maybe more naive about love. Lol.
> 
> I was a never a "wear my heart on my sleeve" type of guy, so now after going through this whole divorce I feel even more guarded. I enjoy dating but sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be fully back to the way I use to be. Maybe I'm not meeting girls that I'm head over heels about, maybe I'm not giving these girls a fair shot, or maybe it's me not *really ready to jump into a serious relationship just now*. I just hope that this isn't the way I'll always be now, and hopefully there is someone I'll meet that makes me do all the wonderful things that I did for my ex-wife when I first met her.


Putting my money on the bold, which means you are on a normal path. Two great things about this post though that show you are on the right path.

1. You are dating and having fun
2. More importantly, you are realizing something just isn't right yet or the same but you aren't denying that feeling, you are acknowledging it, which will allow you to figure it out ... eventually!


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

Thanks for all replies, I do feel like I'm on the right path and don't want to rush into anything just yet. My only arch-nemesis is "time", Lol, I always wanted to have a family but the last thing I want to do is rush into another relationship that just ends up me being a single parent instead of finding a life partner / wife that will stand by my side.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Dating after D isn't going to be the same as before because you have maturity, experience, perspective, and age that you didn't have when you were last in the dating pool. Essentially it can't be the same because you aren't the same person you were before, so don't sweat it. Just have fun and enjoy yourself.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Dating after D isn't going to be the same as before because you have maturity, experience, perspective, and age that you didn't have when you were last in the dating pool. Essentially it can't be the same because you aren't the same person you were before, so don't sweat it. Just have fun and enjoy yourself.


Yes, I guess these are all normal emotions after going through a D; so definitely just going to have fun and enjoy myself!

My ex-wife is still with the AP and I know everyone is entitled to go down their own path, but to me it just doesn't seem healthy to go from a marriage right into another long-term relationship but that's just my outlook. I feel right now being single is the more appropriate path to take and if a relationship evolves eventually at least it will be naturally and not forced.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Some people are co-dependent and that causes them to jump into relationships right away. I don't know your XW and whether that applies to her, but it is also possible that she's genuinely happy with the OM and in a better place than with you. But really it shouldn't matter what she is doing or with whom, because exes are meant to be left in the past. Try to not think about her or give a flying F what she is doing or with whom because it shouldn't be a burden that you choose to saddle yourself or your future relationships with.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My observation from my post-separation dating, was that I was no longer naive, had experience, and was slightly jaded. Of course, I was also more cautious because I did not want to repeat the mistake of choosing the wrong person for my next relationship. Call it being less romantic, but I was able to _enjoy_ dating a variety of women far more than in my younger years, because I was less attached to a particular person or outcome. When I _finally_ met the right match for me, it was still very intense, but lacking in some of the youthful ignorance of my past. We got serious quickly, but still took our time to fully know each other before deciding to fully commit.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> My observation from my post-separation dating, was that I was no longer naive, had experience, and was slightly jaded. Of course, I was also more cautious because I did not want to repeat the mistake of choosing the wrong person for my next relationship. Call it being less romantic, but I was able to _enjoy_ dating a variety of women far more than in my younger years, because I was less attached to a particular person or outcome. When I _finally_ met the right match for me, it was still very intense, but lacking in some of the youthful ignorance of my past. We got serious quickly, but still took our time to fully know each other before deciding to fully commit.


I could of wrote this post! but not until about a week ago! See my thread "What is wrong with me?" Just updatted it today. What you are feeling is exactly me following my divorce. The infidelity cause me extreme heartache. I have been on here for the last 7 years, feeling the way you are right now. Time..... dont worry about it until A LOT of it has passed.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I sure do understand and just replied to Hoosier in his post, "What is wrong with me?" When we were young we gave our hearts fully, we were naive in thinking that those intense feelings of love were going to last forever. I too was cheated on and that adds to the hurt we feel in our hearts and I do not think we open up nearly as easily or give of ourselves fully once we divorce.I have had a wonderful time meeting new gentlemen since my divorce but with many of them I can tell their hearts are wounded and not giving and at the same time I have not given of myself either. So things do change for us as we mature. We will never be the naive person we once were and I think he takes a great deal of breaking down our own walls to let a new person in and until we do this I am not sure it is possible to truly be close, or accepting of love.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you get mugged at an ATM, you will never again be blissfully content and oblivious to the world around you while at an ATM going forward. 

You will eventually get to a point you don't fear going to an ATM and you won't be paranoid and in a panic state about it. Peace will come. 

But you'll never again be blissfully ignorant and oblivious to what can happen at an ATM. 

Love is much the same.


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## BlakeH (Sep 29, 2018)

I think you should not compare how dating is after D. I am still married, but thinking about dating after marriage makes me feel uneasy... maybe because you were happy about finding your life partner and the idea that she is the one and that you dont have to "court" other women now.. i think you are doing great by putting yourself out there again..dont worry about being romantic..you arent looking for another wife right...just have fun.. discover yourself again and worry about all the energy you put into dates later..just BE..


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

AVR1962 said:


> I sure do understand and just replied to Hoosier in his post, "What is wrong with me?" When we were young we gave our hearts fully, we were naive in thinking that those intense feelings of love were going to last forever. I too was cheated on and that adds to the hurt we feel in our hearts and I do not think we open up nearly as easily or give of ourselves fully once we divorce.I have had a wonderful time meeting new gentlemen since my divorce but with many of them I can tell their hearts are wounded and not giving and at the same time I have not given of myself either. So things do change for us as we mature. We will never be the naive person we once were and I think he takes a great deal of breaking down our own walls to let a new person in and until we do this I am not sure it is possible to truly be close, or accepting of love.


Yes, I agree! I feel like the less naive path I'm on right now is the right one; even though it does close me up a bit but I guess once I meet the right girl these walls should come crashing down.

And I guess my XW is still naive as ever and hasn't matured through this whole process because she just continued into another long term relationship with the OM. It sometimes makes me question if she really did love me or if I was just being used to keep her leaky love tank constantly filled because as bad as it got I never acted so selfishly as she did with her year+ A behind my back.


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