# Men, I've just realised something about insecurity



## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Please be nice, I've never dared post here before.

I have two insecurities. One rears up if my SO watches a film (usually an 18) and it has nudity in it. These are not things he watches with me, but I don't like to know he has watched it. My stance is, ignorance is bliss.

My second insecurity is the size of my breasts. 99% of the time I have no problems whatsoever but if the above nudity involves someone with larger breasts (which frankly is easy) then I feel all the worse.

What I just realised is that it's not the nudity itself that bothers me, it's that I see my nudity as a privilage, something I share with him - no one else. So it feels worth less somehow when he can see other nude/partial nude women.

Please, your thoughts. I'm trying very hard to put my insecurities to rest, but this situation (where he'll tell me something he's seen) keeps cropping up and I don't know what to do. Please help.


----------



## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Please guys, I don't want to break up with my SO over this. Help me understand.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why is he telling you what he's seen? Is he saying things to make you feel insecure? Comparing you to what he's seen maybe?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Ahhh. Yes. I understand this. I hope. My opinion is that when I saw a woman naked in a movie, it was less important who she was and it was more about the visual stimulation.

My wife always held a higher level of respect with me because she did not show herself to everyone. She was mine mostly and not everyone else's. 

Sort of like something that no one else could have and it gave me a good feeling that I was the one she chose to give the privilege of seeing her naked body.

I'm certain I'm flawed for some reason. Just let this be the first post to answer your question from a likely incorrect position. LOL

There will be others. Be patient.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My wife had rather small breasts when we married. After a few decades and two children her breasts are now on the large side. To tell the truth breast size did not matter to me then nor does it now. The only thing that matters to me is that she is the one I love.

I don't think you have anything to worry about as long as he is not comparing you to what he sees in films.

If he says something like "I wish your breast were more like that actress" or "I wish you had bigger breasts", then I would dump his superficial butt in a second and not look back.


----------



## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

I have some crippling insecurities as well, as does my wife. Hence our frequently horribly dysfunctional (but often really great) relationship 

I think this is something that you can only fix yourself. And I'm not going to patronize you and pretend it's easy, because I've never been able to do it and probably never will. Now wasnt that helpful!? :rofl:

Seriously though, think of it this way... *your* nudity is a gift to him from *your point of view* and he should understand, respect, and be hugely flattered by that.

This is tough to explain. Like some people will strip nude at the drop of a pin, hump whoever gets them slightly aroused, etc. Receiving anything sexual from folks like this is really pretty meaningless.

When he is seeing a movie with nudity (which is pretty much most movies), it is just an image on a screen. And it is *generally* in context. You're a voyeur of someone else's (pretend) life. It is totally impersonal.

The nudity that you share with him, and share with no one else, is hugely special and so it is completely different. Maybe if you explain that you feel this way, and he validates that he "gets that" and it is part of why he loves you, you will feel a bit less pressured by this?

I'm not going to tell you that I think you should "get over it" and just view nudity as "no big deal" b/c frankly I feel that is a totally personal thing and each person has the right to be as modest as makes them comfortable (plus, Im pretty much with you on this one... LOL!)

Also, if this helps, I can say that as a man... Seeing a real live woman nude, is in no way shape or form even similar to seeing an image of a woman. It is orders of magnitude more meaningful and powerful. And thats the case even if its some woman that gets naked on a whim.

Now add in the impact of knowing that *this* woman is *really* making a genuine statement by *only* getting naked for *you* and it takes it to a different level entirely.


----------



## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Thank you guys. My insecurity came about when my ex started using porn instead of working on our relationship, 18 months ago. My current SO gives me no cause to worry but I really have to beat these feelings down when little things come up. It's normally about a film or tv show he wants to see, then I look it up and hey, there's a scene in a strip club. It ruins it for me. I can just about accept that he could watch anything when I'm not there. I just don't want to know about it!

He knows my issue is from the past relationship and doesn't compare me to what he sees (believe me I would dump him if he was a pig).

I realise it's in most films and so I am careful what I watch because I don't want the issue to flare up when we're having a nice time together. If I saw any nudity while watching something with my ex, it didn't bother me at all. I do feel sorry that I'm a bit broken now and my SO has to put up with me.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

It's ok, it's normal. As time goes by, and as you become more and more trusting to your SO's love to you, you will become more secure emotionally and will not have the urge to compare yourself with anyone else, because you know your SO loves YOU.  Good luck!


----------



## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

I have felt like you and I think a lot of women do - we worry about porn and that some body part of ours is not as good as other women's and wonder if our SO would rather have someone else because of it or feels disappointed that they got the short straw. 

I can't say I'm completely over my insecurities on this, but my opinion started changing when I looked at myself and my own attitudes about the opposite sex. I find other men attractive. There are body parts that other men have that I find more attractive than my SO's. Neither of those things means that I want to leave my SO for another man or that I feel disappointed that my partner doesn't have 6 pack abs like some other man. Would I like it if he did? Yup. Am I disappointed that he doesn't? Nope. I just don't give it much thought and when I look at my partner in the big scheme of things, it just isn't that important. 

I know he's a guy and guys supposedly put more value on sex and the way a woman looks, but I honestly think our insecurities are unfounded on this basis. 

I got out of a marriage where my H was masturbating more to porn than he was having sex with me, so believe me, I know there can be problems with it, and I certainly felt insecure about my body related to it, but having some perspective, I still don't think it was my body that was the issue.


----------



## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

The crazy thing is that for many guys who escape to porn, it can actually be dissatisfaction with *themselves* and not their SO. And then porn makes it worse. Every guy is shredded with an 8 inch + piece of equipment.

Porn is really bad for a guy, IMO, but it takes a looong time to realize this. For many guys they have some insecurities, it makes them feel like they are bad lovers or makes deep intimacy difficult, then a woman's insecurities kick in and you get a vicious cycle. When they turn to porn it's addictive because its an easy release, but it starts to remap the brain in a bad way and makes real life performance more difficult than ever. It becomes "I don't measure up, I can't "give it" the way I should, that's why she's not into me",etc. Meanwhile part of why the woman turned cold to begin with is because the guy lacked confidence and retreated to porn rather than finding a way to be at peace with, and own, his own sexuality and keep her turned on. MANY men feel if they aren't huge, or aren't champion lovers, then they are disappointing her and she's doing them a favor. It's a bad part of the modern male psyche for some men and I think it's getting worse among younger guys.

And the irony is that the woman is thinking "it's her" when in fact it may be all in the guys head.

Now of course that's not universal, but when a woman who is sexy, fit, and enthusiastic indicates that she has this problem, my first thought is that the guy is struggling with his *own insecurities* and, ironically, is now making his own worse and actually triggering hers. It's a really sad thing honestly because the damage on both sides is difficult to reverse

As men continue to catch up with women in the area of body dysmorphic disorder it will probably become even more common.

If I had a son I would have this talk with him and strongly advise that if he ever wants to have an awesome, active, real world sex life he AVOID porn. Do it the old fashioned way. Jerk off to the sears catalogue or something! :rofl: it was a LOT healthier that way. Modern Internet porn is unhealthy at a brain chemistry level IMO.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

keepsmilng

Be confident. Just the way you premised your question with the "please be nice" comment shows you are feeling this issue.

I like many guys love "itty bitties". Porn is porn. Most of it is visual stimuli.

My wife has also gained in the top due to childbirth. I still love em!

But I have always liked a smaller chest. Go figure.

My wife has always teased me that I should have married a girl that is built like a little boy......

I always remind her after that comment with a line from a famous poet "There is nothing like a woman with a little junk in the trunk" Justin Timberlake circa May 2006. She has a great butt. It compensates.

So stop worrying. 

HM64


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

keepsmiling said:


> Please guys, I don't want to break up with my SO over this. Help me understand.


Umm... what? You want to break up with your SO because he watched an R rated movie with a girl with a big rack in it?

There are bigger problems here, methinks.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm confused. You want to break up because he saw a pair of fake tits in a movie?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

keepsmiling said:


> My second insecurity is the size of my breasts. 99% of the time I have no problems whatsoever but if the above nudity involves someone with larger breasts (which frankly is easy) then I feel all the worse.


This always strikes me funny. You are so caught up in the media-hype about big hooters that you miss out on the fact that half the men out there prefer smaller chests. I personally like A and B cups. I dislike fake and larger chests to the point that if I see them in a movie, I get annoyed at the assumption that I'm liking what I'm seeing. I'm not. This has everything to do with your self-image. You drank the kool-aid and now have to figure out how to un-do the mental blocks society has placed in your head.



keepsmiling said:


> What I just realised is that it's not the nudity itself that bothers me, it's that I see my nudity as a privilage, something I share with him - no one else. So it feels worth less somehow when he can see other nude/partial nude women.


That's just not a healthy way to look at it IMO. I don't know what advice to offer to alter your perception, but you would do well to understand that what you are feeling is a cultural moral, and not necessarily a good thing. Again, you need to unlearn the boundaries placed in your thoughts.



keepsmiling said:


> Please, your thoughts. I'm trying very hard to put my insecurities to rest, but this situation (where he'll tell me something he's seen) keeps cropping up and I don't know what to do. Please help.


It may sound crazy, but try to think of these women in a sexual way- not lovey dovey, but raw sex, one night stand mentality. See them for what they are- nothing but imagery designed to stir sexual feelings. Comment on what you like or don't like about her chest, legs, butt.. doesn't matter. Learn to be comfortable with nudity without him present, and then you will have a much easier time being comfortable with him seeing it.

I know my responses are off the beaten path, but among all my issues in my life, I like to think I'm sexually open-minded and progressive in my approach to it.


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I agree with what 2ntnuf & Kaboom said. Pure visual stimulation. No matter what you do you cannot stop a man from being aroused or enjoying seeing nudity in women, but that is not the same as that man loving his wife and finding her even more desirable because he does love her..

Now if he chooses to watch straight up porn rather then be with you now that's a problem.

If anything your man will see that nudity and come looking for you. He's not comparing body parts he just gets aroused and wants you.
You should use that to tease him and have fun with it. You should want him aroused and pleading for sex. I guarantee you when you take off your clothes to him you are 100 times hotter then any image on the screen.


----------



## Milguy (Feb 7, 2013)

QR:

I'm gathering from the OP's original dilemma that she is rather young. First off, a man seeing a naked woman on T.V is much different than having a naked woman they love right there in physical form. To be insecure about that is moot. The same goes for sexual arousal, just because I am aroused by the form of a naked woman, doesn’t mean I want to act in any way on that arousal. Likewise, just because I see a naked woman on T.V doesn’t mean I got aroused. Speaking as a married man; I am often uncomfortable when I see graphic nudity in a movie that I’m watching with my wife. I often joke with her about seeing nudity (and my anticipation of it), but it’s a way to ease the actual awkwardness, not because I’m secretly getting off on it. 

I‘d also like to address the point you mentioned about your Ex-Boyfriend “using porn”. I can’t speak to whether he worked on his relationship with you or not. I’d bet that if he is a man, like me and billions of other men, he has a problem with communication when it comes to relationships. But I’ll get back to that, first let me address, “using porn”. Men don’t turn to porn because they have lost interest in a partner. It can be a reason to turn to porn, but porn is often times just a subsidy for actual sex. You see, men are very visual when it comes to sex, and a large percentage of relationship sex progressively decreases after time and most often it becomes redundant. Porn is often times an escape for men. 

Once again, it doesn’t mean that the man is any less interested in his mate. So we don’t “use porn” to replace relationships, or sex, we view porn because often times when the sex is decreasing and becoming mundane we would prefer keeping the sex inside the relationship. I watch porn occasionally, and I use it for masturbation purposes 99% of that time, I don’t hide the fact that I view porn from my wife, but the understanding is that she can’t have sex with me every time I get a hard-on, and I shouldn’t expect her to pleasure me at my whim. We have kids, it would be impossible.

Believe me, I’ve been that guy that pressures my mate for sex, and I’ve held grudges (100% thinking I was right), and then in retrospect, realized I was an idiot, and if I “expected” my needs to be met, then I better be the one meeting those needs.

Now, let me get back to the difference between men and women when it comes to relationships as I mentioned before. When a man and a woman have a problem with a relationship, no matter how many times they explain the problem to each other, they will always view the problem differently. Men are programmed to go from point “A” to point “B”, and not worry about all the stuff in the middle (much like needing visually stimulation during sexual encounters).

Women, on the other hand, want to sort through all the stuff between points “A” and “B” --- much like wanting an emotional connection during sex. The act of sex hasn’t changed to the outside viewer, but to that man and that woman, the sex is a completely different experience. --- The same goes for the problem in the relationship. On paper, it may look like an open and shut case, but when you start muddling through all of the details you may have a completely different story, even between the two individuals. Men often want to find the simple solution…the shorter story, and woman often think that this is a man’s way of “not caring”. Women usually want to make sure the problem doesn’t occur again, and they need definitive solutions. This can often times be viewed as “Nagging” or “not letting a problem go”. Simply put, men want to use duct tape, and women want to call the plumber and have it fixed. Neither is always right or always wrong. They are just how we function.

Some of us are starting to realize that we need to work on this issue, just like some women are starting to realize that guys who view porn are not always sexual deviants.

I hope that helps, I know it was long.


----------

