# Please I need your help, I'm really sad and depressed



## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

we live in a good size city in the midwest, wife and I only married through the church but never registered in goverment. now we have 13 month boy

- I met wife in NY where she lived, got married then moved with me to Midwest. 

- wife does not have a degree or work experiance, she alwasy worked as front desk or cashier, I'm currently working on master and planing doing Phd. 

- Wife hates midwest, and love NY and always complaining how the city we live in how boring and nothing to do. all my family member live in Midwest just 5 minutes a way from my house.

- I pay for her school, and bough her a nice Lexus and live in a nice house we bought a year ago comparing to the Sh**ty apartment she used to live in NY with roommates, but she always complaining how unhappy she is and how much she hates that city and how lonly she is because she don't have good friends. 

- she always trying to push me to leave the city and everything behind and find a job in NY. i explained to her that not possible now, due to the market and already have a boy and another one in the way in few months. 

- every time, all the time we argue she threating me to leave me and take the baby a way. her main threating is the baby she knows how much i love my baby and cant imagine my life with him 1 minute. I'm so attached to my baby that I welling to face the world for him. my baby very attached to me and his grandparents very much. 

- is it possible that she can take the baby a way from me in case of separation and move to a different city? she never had a job or stable job in her life, either baby setting or work in hotel or front desk. I'm the one who was always working and busting his tails to get her through school. is it possible that she can take my baby a way and move to NY?
how can I stop that if she decided to move out. if it is not for my baby i dont care if she goes to Mars. No one understand how much i love my kid, every time he sneeze at time during sleep i wake up like crazy and stay next to him to make sure he is ok. 

I dont think i can live without seeing my baby everyday and hold him and play with him. kiss him and sleep next to him. I cry when i think someone can take him a way from me. 

Please help me is that possible?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What do you mean about "registered in church but not in government?" Usually to have a religious service done, you must have a license to be married, which is then signed by the official (priest, minister, whoever) who performed your wedding service. You will need to check out what your legal status is. If you were married in a church, the chances are that you ARE legally married, but find out.

Parents who are NOT legally divorced often have a lot more freedom to move their kids around without the other parent's consent--within the U.S., that is; not overseas (you cannot obtain a passport for a child unless both parents sign the application in front of the person taking the application, for example). 

Frankly, if you are very concerned that she might take your child, you can file for a legal separation and MAKE SURE that your paperwork indicates she may not take the child out of state. In my state, it is illegal for either of us to move more than 150 miles (or out of state) without the consent of the other parent--that is part of the divorce decree and did NOT need to be added. Your state might be different.

If you are a student, you might qualify for legal aid at your school or nearby, so look into getting some legal advice. Do not tell your wife you are doing this--just do it. 

Living in a place that one hates is truly miserable--I know b/c I've done it for 24 years, because of my ex. I would never take away his kids, however--that would be much worse than living in a place I don't like. I have a great life--friends, a good job, etc., but I miss my family and the climate/country side that I adore. My ex's unwillingness to consider moving--his insistence on making his job the only factor in determining where we lived, his insistence on putting $$$ above quality of life, his inability to imagine a life different from the one he had mapped out for himself--these were factors in the end of our marriage. Money is not everything, and I'd have been a lot happier in a place I loved even if we had less $$; we would both work and never have been destitute, for goodness sake. LOTS of people choose to find jobs in the places they love rather than allowing their job to determine everything.

SO, having said that you should protect yourself legally, I very strongly urge you to consider how inflexible you are being--there is ALWAYS another path to get where you want. Maybe not in the way or on the timetable you initially envisioned, but please consider it. Don't give up your ultimate goal, but transform the plan to get there to meet more of her needs. You might be able to save your marriage AND end up where you want--wouldn't that be best?

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

I have discussed with her moving to a different state, I could get more money moving to NY but like you said $$ not everything. 
I told her the time now is not good to move out specially we just bought a house and that she still didnt finish school and the job market is bad, but she wont understand. 
let me put it this way. we are not legally married we are married through a religious marriage and we didn't have to go register. 
I have told her so many times we need to build first then move out. I told her I need to finish my master and my job pays some for my school and have great schedule at work that allow me to study at home and at work. but wont understand. every time we argue about something or anything the word moving to NY comes up.
I step on myself even I know she is wrong sometimes but what can i do. she always threatening to take the baby and go back to NY.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I have told her so many times we need to build first then move out.


Again, that's how YOU see it.

If you cannot see a different path to your goal, then you may come across as inflexible, and she feels that. 

I don't know you; I don't know her. But at least try to envision a different way of arriving at the same goal--maybe one that is quite so perfect JUST FOR YOU. The plan you outline is perfect--just for you; it's clearly not remotely satisfying for her. 

Marriage is about compromise, compromise you can make without resentment. If having everything just so perfect for yourself is that important to you, then at least be honest about it. 

What have you done to help her find happiness where you are? She may be lacking in some basic skills that would allow her to do this for herself. She may be inflexible herself. You can only change yourself; you cannot "make" her accept your way of seeing things. Once you realize that, you can focus your energies in a more positive direction--helping her adapt more, thinking of other ways to reach your goal, whatever. But don't keep trying to figure out how to make her accept your way; clearly, that isn't working.


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## vela-de-luz (Jul 22, 2010)

Hey, I know this is kinda late, sorry about it.
How are things now? Hope they are better.

Life is for living, hope to hear from you soon.

Yours, Matilla Hernandez
[email protected]


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