# 59, at a crossroad, tricky situation



## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

Hi one and all.
lf anyone has any thoughts on my sitch , l'd really like to hear them so please feel free.

I was married , single on and off around 6yrs now.
There was someone , couldn't work it out , and now someone new l've known 6mths or so.
She moved to my country 6yrs ago with her husband,they went for visas and were basically approved but 3 yrs after moving here they split up because of abuse, immigration found out and has now put a ? mark over her visa to stay.

l'm 59 and after everything else for us both we feel very very lucky to have met however , there's the new visa question mark right now,
That actually came up , 2mths after we met she got the letter from immigration and us meeting had nothing to do with visa;s btw, that was all paid for, in , and last she knew all fine and ready for the old stamp.
l've seen all the details and payments, letters, the lot all 100% legit.

Well , her lawyer says she should be ok but with immigration right now anything is possible and no way he can say for sure.
Here, not in the US , if they do decide to knock her back after all she'll need to reapply to stay , and there's no refunding from the first application , it'll be a complete new app, and fees and start over. 
lt's a lot of money and l don't really have it anyway but to me l just haven't known her long enough regardless of how l feel anyway , to fork it out if it does come to that and she only has some but not near enough.
She might not even need to reapply , buttt, our life and relationship for me is completely on hold with this hanging over our heads.

So,,, thing is , my questions not about visas, or money , it's about should l or shouldn't l let this go on ?
You know , 59, how many more chances am l gonna have, we get along fantastic and feelings could easily be overwhelming , but l've been heart felt and mentally in hold off mode since that damn letter.
l dunno wtf to do with US , tbh. Not risk heart and try to walk away, jump in and hope for the best , or wth .
What if l let it go on , lawyer says it could be 18mths before we hear, for sure or it could be next week, and it's a decline, but it might not be, no one can tell us what the likely hood either way is.
l wasn't really looking for love when we met and if this didn't work out l truly could not be bothered with anyone else now and besides, we have everything l could ever want , butttt.

Any thoughts, advice.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

HOLD OFF !!!!!

I'm american and work overseas most of my working life. I can not tell you the endless amounts of stories like this that end really really bad.

The guy gets tugged in by heart strings ..... and then BAM !!!!! Your screwed.

Speaking from experience I have seen..... don't do it !!


It's only been 6 months !!!!


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

Thanks for the tips mr married and yeah , l could imagine. Not exactly what l'd like to hear butttt, better now than later l guess.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'll take a shot in the dark:

She's a bit younger than you.


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

Nah , not really , no more than ex w or other gf's , couldn't be bothered with some younger chick bs.
As l said , we get along very well and the visa stuff didn't even exist when we first met , seen all the stuff.
ps ,she's not asking anything of me , matter of fact l've told her l haven't known her long enough and if she does have to reapply l'm not paying for it.


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## cheapie (Aug 6, 2018)

Hate to say it, but I agree with Mr. Married - I'd steer clear of this one and don't risk getting sucked in. Then, later on, if she gets this resolved on her own and you're both still free, maybe you could still get together and be starting from a better place. 59 is not that old, BTW, so don't feel like you have to hang onto a relationship because you won't get a better chance.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

59 years old, I remember when I was that young.

Even at my present age I would slow down and let
her resolve her own visa issue. The fact that you have 
concerns and questions says a lot.

If it is really meant to be it will be, if not move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Do not become her golden ticket only to find there was no show.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What do you do in a rush? Nothing.

Don't be a green card sugar daddy.

Why make this your problem? KISA (Kinight in shining armor complex)


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It sounds like you know better than to get sucked into a scam, if that's what afoot. You think you know that this just came up, but she could have known long before she told you.

On the other hand, if she is completely honest and trustworthy you could be missing out on love. As Lord Tennyson said, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Let all her legal issues sort out. If there are still feelings, you can have a LDR for a while, and see what she does. You can always marry her later.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> It sounds like you know better than to get sucked into a scam, if that's what afoot. You think you know that this just came up, but she could have known long before she told you.
> 
> On the other hand, if she is completely honest and trustworthy you could be missing out on love. As Lord Tennyson said, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."


If it's truly love on both sides, she'll find a way to pay her own visa fees. That's a pretty minimal test in terms of scam-proofing a relationship. If she can't come up with the money on her own, that's a big red flag to me.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> If it's truly love on both sides, she'll find a way to pay her own visa fees. That's a pretty minimal test in terms of scam-proofing a relationship. If she can't come up with the money on her own, that's a big red flag to me.


If she is on the up and up and he has a relationship with her, he may end of losing her due to the VISA issue. Nowhere did I suggest he help her pay for it. If he thinks she is for real and doesn't have a relationship because of something that might happen, then he has lost out on love. Besides who knows if they will even be together in 18 months if they pursue a relationship now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you think you can have a relationship without being devastated if she leaves - i.e. just have fun for now - go for it, but WITHOUT giving her money for this. IMO, that's kind of like someone wanting to date someone famous or rich - you never know if they want you or the money/notoriety.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> If you think you can have a relationship without being devastated if she leaves - i.e. just have fun for now - go for it, but WITHOUT giving her money for this. IMO, that's kind of like someone wanting to date someone famous or rich - you never know if they want you or the money/notoriety.


I agree with Turnera, more than she thinks...

How much money are we talking about?

If it is not too much and somewhat affordable, can the lawyer handle the money?

Sure, help her stay, but do not marry her, nor invest a lot of hard earned money [that you don't have].

I would *give my last cent to someone I loved. True love comes around but a very few times. 
You are not getting any younger.

But, that is a long term, long time away for these 'giving' things.

*One who had proved themselves as trustworthy. I exaggerate when I say my last cent, but you get the drift.



You cannot take money with you when you pass.
You cannot recall a past love when you pass on them.

Ten years from now you will sit in the dark, alone, hungering for her love, her arms, her kisses.

My pal Turnera, knows this, so do I. 

Many romantics would give their last drop of blood for the person they adore.
Yes!

Just do not be a fool or a dupe.





[THM]- Lilith


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

Yeah see this is it , maybe be my last shot. Don't ask me how but since my marriage they have slowly but surely popped up so it's not really that so much but more that l don't like many women.
We hit it off though and want all the same things and l'd def' think long term or marriage with her , if not for this stuff..
l really couldn't be bothered if this didn't work out with anyone else though.
But nope , l don't wanna be no knight ISA either, that's all wrong in my book, that's the only thing about us l'm not comfortable with now.

Trouble is nah l can't let it go much further without this really knocking me about if she did have to leave. Atm , l've been on hold so much , fighting it off, since that damn letter, but l can't keep that going much longer, feelings are getting away from me.
Feel like l've gotta make the decision right now or it'll be too late, either cut and run or be in this for the long hall.

l have thought of backing off too and if the visa things all ok later, maybe we can pick up again , if other things haven't come along for her or me in the meantime.
lf that's 18mths or 2 yrs though, that's a lotta wasted life at this age in between isn't it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're a big boy. Old enough to know.

I would have my eyes wide open and make sure I'm well protected.

We think we know people but...

You just never know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm curious why you seem to think your life is basically over if you hit 60 and single.


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

Thanks tunera , and to everyone's thoughts on the sitch to btw.
But funny you say that , no one has any idea l'm even near that age, but l am feeling it in love matters though that's for sure.
It's not that l'm saying life is over, but love !!!!!
Think l'm finally getting my karma actually , been so lucky in love my whole life, but this last 6yrs , man , def' paying my dues .

l'm thinking maybe l should let it go though tbh.
We have this thing , again l feel so lucky, but at the same time, admittedly although l've done some serious shyttesting and she's come through everytime , buttttt, l still don't trust something. 
Maybe it's just a triple does of visa paranoid , l've heard all the horror stories too, that sure doesn't help.

l know one thing , if someone knows they might need a new visa well, even if it takes 18mths to find out , they're gonna be on best behavior right,


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'm warning you buddy ........ I've seen this go bad so many times. Don't set yourself up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

rocltop said:


> l know one thing , if someone knows they might need a new visa well, even if it takes 18mths to find out , they're gonna be on best behavior right,


Yeah, and then what do you get once they don't need you anymore?

rocltop, you have another 20-30 years of living to do - and I guarantee there are some amazing women out there who are also looking for a partner to share it with. 

What do you do for fun? I always advise people to join clubs, start hobbies, be parts of groups who do things they love. Fill your life with stuff you love to do, and you're going to run across women who do, too. Strike up friendships, see where they lead. You should be a friend to your partner first anyway.


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> If it's truly love on both sides, she'll find a way to pay her own visa fees. That's a pretty minimal test in terms of scam-proofing a relationship. If she can't come up with the money on her own, that's a big red flag to me.



Yeah , her son lives here his married and on good money , she says he;ll cover it if it comes to that but then that feels weird too. Say l'm with her and it does come to visa, like l let the son pay for it , l dunno what to feel about that.


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> I agree with Turnera, more than she thinks...
> 
> How much money are we talking about?
> 
> ...


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