# nervous breakdown & PTSD



## come_undone (Oct 23, 2010)

Hello everyone,
I am completely new here, so I apologize in advance for starting a frantic new thread.

I have been married to a wonderful Japanese man and living in Japan for the past 5 years.
However, within these past 5 years, my mental and physical health have been in steady decline (for various reasons such as isolation, alienation, poor diet, absent husband, poor quality friendships, terrible job, complicated family issues and basically I had a lot of issues adapting to the society as a 'gaijin' wife. I should note that I do not have children).

This past spring, I decided to quit my job and go back to the States to try to piece together my failing health---which I did rather successfully.
I did a lot of reflecting about my life, my marriage and most importantly, our future. 

According to plan, I went back to Japan a few weeks ago, however I suffered a terrible physical and mental breakdown and had to quickly return to the States.

I've been back a few days, but I am a complete wreck. I feel horrible b/c I want to be with my husband but (for various reasons) I can not function there anymore. I have basically wasted away there for the past 5 years and I can not go back to that existence, no matter how hard I try....and believe me I have tried.

His family is very upset and feel like I left him and that we are going to get a divorce, but honestly (right now anyway) divorce is not something we have talked about. His mother suggested that I get pregnant so that I would have a purpose to my life (!!!)

There has been a lot of drama and I feel so much guilt about having to chose between my husband and my health.
My heart is telling me I did the wrong thing by leaving again, but my body/mind are thanking me for it.

I feel like this is my own personal 'Sophie's Choice' (don't know who is going to get that reference...thanks to those who understand).

Now, since I have been back, I have been having anxiety/panic attacks, on top of debilitating depression.
I also think I am suffering from PTSD and I am afraid I may need to be hospitalized.

My husband, though far away, has been very supportive and he said he is hoping to get a transfer to the States through his company (but he's been saying that the past 5 years) and frankly, I am not optimistic about the chances of him getting transferred.

It's just been one long "wait and see" situation, but I feel like I have to get on with my life because I have become a shell of a human being. 

Even though I am back in the States, I am experiencing such a nervous breakdown, I don't know how to get back on my two feet again.
Plus being 35 and living with your parents again is quite a blow to my self-esteem. I'm feel like everything is ground zero.
Well, I've carried on too long.
Thank you for reading.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

> I have been married to a wonderful Japanese man


My MIL is full Japanese. Not sure if same for you but I know in that culture, the woman is to 'follow behind the man' cator to him make him priority and most of all the most important. Even though MIL moved here with my FIL after the war, she still has those values and has instilled them in my H. Who now, hates and resents I do not treat him that way after 18yrs of being together (12 married) and it started approx. 7 yrs ago. 



> His family is very upset and feel like I left him and that we are going to get a divorce, but honestly (right now anyway) divorce is not something we have talked about. His mother suggested that I get pregnant so that I would have a purpose to my life (!!!)


IMO..this IS NOT a wise choice for a purpose in life. I know, I have done it! 9yrs ago, my H and I lost a child at birth. 40 1/2 wks pregnant, 2 days before inducing, she died in womb. No reasons. My reason is she was meant to be for my dad who died 2 weeks later with lung cancer. She was the first granddaughter in family and he promised fight and live to see her born. Well, he did but not how we wanted. He attended her graveside service and a week 1/2 later died. She was meant for him. 

1 year later I begged H for another child. He wanted nothing to do with it. His first child (son) was born with some physical issues, he never wanted to experience again and then we lose our daughter. So you can imagin his dismay. I decided I needed for self, didn't care about H feelings or what he wanted and stopped my BC pills. Got pregnant. He hated entire time. I could not enjoy 1) because H would not be happy with me or for me, and 2) fear of what happend before. 

6yrs later, finding having my daughter was not the 'key' to my happiness or purpose for my life to be happy. We are struggling now, I am mentally struggling with much guilt and resentment from what I felt 6 yrs ago in thinking I could surpress it and move on. It's all resurfacing and it's tearing me and my marriage apart. Everyone is different but I do advise don't feel having a child will make things all okay. 



> It's just been one long "wait and see" situation, but I feel like I have to get on with my life because I have become a shell of a human being


You are not alone. I know that shell all too well and it's eating me alive. No answers, just hoping to know your not alone will at least give you some realization it's okay to feel this way. I'm good at saying it, but not living it myself. I guess that's why we are here. To see and hear we are not alone, crazy, mental, or whatever it may be.

Hopefully you, me, and many other's here will find some sort of relief, 'freedom' per say, or answers by just keeping each other intouch and posting.


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