# How to stop being angry at OW/OM?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Understand I am just as angry at H..but somehow the anger I feel towards OW consumes me more.

Three days ago I ended up getting into his second secret email (which I knew about it 7 weeks ago but didn't have access to it) and all I saw in it was an email that they sent to each other after DD#1 (last fall) and in it she was asking him how I got into his email and giving him advice such as make sure you delete this, etc. etc.

This set me back a bit...and now I feel even more anger toward her. It just bugs the **** out of me that she had the nerve to know that he was married and not give a ****! Plus giving him advice make sure you delete this, make sure you delete that...I was just livid when I saw that. 

I feel so angry at this person yet I know 100% that they were both to blame for it...am I expecting too much to think that an OW/OM would have some sympathy for thier WS's wife/husband?


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

I think both are to blame but unless the AP is your friend or family member why should the care about the bs, your own spouse didn't care so why should the person their screwing around with.
Here's the thing about the OW/OM, what kind of lies do you think there being fed? Trust me if the WS breaks the NC in anyway shape or form then all the blame should be put on the WS. If you give more then a chance to save the marriage and they continue the affair and you don't leave them then IMO your in a round about way agreeing to an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

I know I have been far too easy on my WW and I now have her foot prints on my forehead. Just call me mat!
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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Highwood, you have every right to be angry at the OW; however, you should reserve 90% of your anger for your WS. He's the one that brought another person into the marriage. Completely Lost is absolutely correct, the WS owes you nothing. She's looking out for her own best interest -- which, unfortunately is a relationship with your husband.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I'd love nothing more than to turn the OM's face into
a bowl of red oatmeal, but then I think to myself that it
was my WW who accepted his offers... 
The one who played the game and kept it all hidden from me... 
The only one I cared about.

Being angry at the OM/OW is misguided anger.
Frankly, I believe it just gives them more power in your
mind than they truly deserve. They've already helped to ruin
your life, so try not to make the mistake of letting it continue to
fester inside of you.

Deal with the anger that's directed towards the more important person in your life - - - -your spouse.

Good luck to you. I know it's difficult.


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

Remember all the lies your WS has told you, what do you think he's telling the AP. I bet its things like
My spouse doesn't make time for me or we fight all the time or she/ he knows I want out but I can't leave cause of kids or money. 
Don't think for a moment that a WS isn't bull****ting everyone. I just wish if my WW wasn't happy that she just left me first instead of being a cake eater.
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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I think you can feel pure bloody rage towards the OM/OW because your feelings for them are not mixed up with the love/history/kids you have with your WS

Pure emotion trumps logic any day of the week in shoving itself into your brain whether you want it or not

I still hate the guts of an OW from 4y ago. It doesn't help that I see her sometimes and I do like that she freezes if she spots me. Its always in her place of work so even now she has the worry that I could kick up a stink. I like that - small consolation, but I like it anyway.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Here's something. While I do feel anger toward her for her part in the A. For her part in engaging a married man. Mostly, I just want her out of my head. Out of his head. He says she isnt there. That she was nothing. That he knows he didnt even really know her. And what he thought he felt for her was all based on a persona that she put forth much like the persona he put forth with her. He knows he put his absolute best foot forward ALL THE TIME with her leaving out the 'real flaws'. With that realization comes the understanding that she did exactly the same thing. The realization that she too was cheating on her H. She too was sacrificing time with her kids. She too is a liar. Nothing more. So I dont hate her. I am apathetic toward her. She owes me nothing. She tried to take everything. But in the end- my H is the one that cut me to the bone. He is the one that broke his vows to me. He is the one that looked me in the eye every night and lied straight to my face. He and he alone did that. In the end, when I confronted her, she didnt lie. She didnt deny it. She basically listened in stunned silence. Thats more respect than he gave initially. So No, I dont hate her. But if she were on fire, I wouldnt get water. That would take more effort than Im willing to put toward her.

Try to concentrate on the H in front of you. yes, he lied to you. He deceived you in the most cruel way possible. There was nothing special about her. If it hadnt been her, it would have been someone else. I believe that very strongly. There was nothing special about my H's AP. She was average. Truly. Im gonna go out on a limb and say your H's AP was no more than that. Beautiful women dont need to steal other womens husbands. They have a long line of available men. This Im sure has exceptions. But I think 95% of the time-the wife is smarter, prettier and obviously a better woman since she isnt screwing around with a married man. So try letting go of the jealousy??? I understand it. At first I was really jealous of her. Then I realized. It wasnt her. It was just opportunity. She was there and willing. Nothing special. She is a really thin, blonde with green eyes and no boobs. Honestly. Not the girl he'd normally chase down. But for some reason-HIS BIG OLE' EGO had to take that stroking. And she gave it in spades. So honestly she probably could have been Cruella DeVille and if she said the right sweet nothin's -game on. Its his character flaw. One he is very aware of NOW. He has boundaries now. I Hope. And thats all you can do. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. But do not let HER have another minute of your life HW. Hasnt she had enough?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The lies go both ways. They always do. Your spouse lies to you, they lie to their partner, they lie to themselves.

I can tell you nearly 4 years later, it changes. 

The sooner you can make the disconnect allowing the choices your ex-partner made, to influence the choices you want to make for yourself and your future ... The better.

Get by that initial feeling of having youd guts ripped out.

Then let them and their AP go. And go be happy, in spite of it all.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> Understand I am just as angry at H..but somehow the anger I feel towards OW consumes me more.
> 
> Three days ago I ended up getting into his second secret email (which I knew about it 7 weeks ago but didn't have access to it) and all I saw in it was an email that they sent to each other after DD#1 (last fall) and in it she was asking him how I got into his email and giving him advice such as make sure you delete this, etc. etc.
> 
> ...


I was sent emails that showed the OW was trying to convince my husband I was lying or that I had a detective on him. I didn't. 

She also told him to lie and deny the affair and was also giving him advice. 

Why shouldn't you be angry at the OW. She is purposely dating a married man. It is wrong. She knows that. Yet, she still does it. 

The bottom line is she cared nothing about you or your feelings or ruining your children's lives. 

She is an amoral person looking out for only her own best interest. 

You should hate her. She deserves it.

Both are to blame and No she has no sympathy for you otherwise she wouldn't have engaged in the affair. 

As for you husband telling lies to her. Perhaps he did. But in my case, based on the emails, the Married OW was the aggressor. She was very very aggressive, and pornographic and pushy.

Still, my husband portrayed the marriage in a worse light than was real in my opinion. But the OW was acting like a porn star who really wanted to get some on the side.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My bf's EA told him to drop me so that they could date each other exclusively. He had shared with her our sexual activity, so she used that info to attempt to convince him that our relationship was not progressing...all the more reason to drop me.....

It's funny how most people want to assume that the OW/ OM had no idea that their affair partner was not available for a legit relationship.

Unless a married partner is taking a sabbatical on the other side of the world, it's very easy to tell whether someone has a partner that they "need to report to."


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

So if you find out several months later that the A never ended, who would you hate more the WS or AP? That's what I'm going though right now. Yes I hate him for being with my wife but she's the one who lies to me every single day not him.
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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

We all want to feel like the OM/OW somehow manipulated our WWS. It makes it easier to swallow. But deep down we all know that's most likely not the case. Only our WS
's took an oath to us. 

My WW has a conference in Vegas in a couple of weeks and most likely he will be there. I am going - part of our new rules ( if she is traveling and there is a likelihood he will be there then I go). I don't plan on confronting him. My WW is terrified of what scene I might cause, but I really don't want to give him the pleasure of getting me upset. He is nothing!!
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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

Wow good luck it would be hard just looking at the guy. How long do we keep a WS on the leash. I had my WW on one and she managed to take the affair underground. I guess my leash wasn't short enough lol.
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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I never believed she led my WS astray or manipulated him but she did make herself available

I just hate her in her own right, woman to woman - you just don't mess with a married man with children still sharing a house with his wife in my value system. 

You can say all you like about the OM/W owing you nothing but there is now one person on this planet I wouldn't pee on if they were on fire.

Don't get me wrong, I don't obsess or plot or even think about her much so many years down the line but if I see her or remember her this is what she triggers.

I don't think you always HAVE to get over feelings. I think its more like getting used to them, the more familiar they are the easier they are to live with. A little like a bereavement, I firmly believe you don't get over it as such you just get used to it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Here's something. While I do feel anger toward her for her part in the A. For her part in engaging a married man. Mostly, I just want her out of my head. Out of his head. He says she isnt there. That she was nothing. That he knows he didnt even really know her. And what he thought he felt for her was all based on a persona that she put forth much like the persona he put forth with her. He knows he put his absolute best foot forward ALL THE TIME with her leaving out the 'real flaws'. With that realization comes the understanding that she did exactly the same thing. The realization that she too was cheating on her H. She too was sacrificing time with her kids. She too is a liar. Nothing more. So I dont hate her. I am apathetic toward her. She owes me nothing. She tried to take everything. But in the end- my H is the one that cut me to the bone. He is the one that broke his vows to me. He is the one that looked me in the eye every night and lied straight to my face. He and he alone did that. In the end, when I confronted her, she didnt lie. She didnt deny it. She basically listened in stunned silence. Thats more respect than he gave initially. So No, I dont hate her. But if she were on fire, I wouldnt get water. That would take more effort than Im willing to put toward her.
> 
> Try to concentrate on the H in front of you. yes, he lied to you. He deceived you in the most cruel way possible. There was nothing special about her. If it hadnt been her, it would have been someone else. I believe that very strongly. There was nothing special about my H's AP. She was average. Truly. Im gonna go out on a limb and say your H's AP was no more than that. Beautiful women dont need to steal other womens husbands. They have a long line of available men. This Im sure has exceptions. But I think 95% of the time-the wife is smarter, prettier and obviously a better woman since she isnt screwing around with a married man. So try letting go of the jealousy??? I understand it. At first I was really jealous of her. Then I realized. It wasnt her. It was just opportunity. She was there and willing. Nothing special. She is a really thin, blonde with green eyes and no boobs. Honestly. Not the girl he'd normally chase down. But for some reason-HIS BIG OLE' EGO had to take that stroking. And she gave it in spades. So honestly she probably could have been Cruella DeVille and if she said the right sweet nothin's -game on. Its his character flaw. One he is very aware of NOW. He has boundaries now. I Hope. And thats all you can do. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. But do not let HER have another minute of your life HW. Hasnt she had enough?


Ya know... I actually can relate to this. Granted, there was no physical contact with my husband and the OW, but those messages made me seethe. And, while I know I am still going to have days when the whole thing is going to rush back, I also know that the rage I felt even a month ago isn't there. I think, for myself, I had to hit my own "rock bottom" and crawl back up. Still crawling. But now, it is more about what my husband and I were lacking which caused both of us to seek attention elsewhere (neither went physical). I can't work thru all of this FOR HIM, I can only do what I need to do...and that has improved my outlook. Yes, we still have a long way to go. Yes, we still have things to work thru. Yes, there are some things that have gone backwards, but we are acknowledging those as well, and trying to move forward on those fronts. But I no longer hate the OW. I feel sorry for her, in a way. Actually, it's more that I feel sorry for her kids. And I'm not sure that's even the right word for it. She made wrong choices, not just about my husband, but the men she actually dated. She is lonely... not excusing her actions, just stating facts. Instead of "tit for tat" regarding her relationships, she should have either left and found someone who wasn't married, or tried to fix her relationship. Unfortunately, she has children stuck in this situation... 

Sorry for rambling... I guess, for me, it was hitting my own "rock bottom" that changed the way I viewed the OW. I still hate what she did, pursuing my husband, waiting for 4 years to make her move, pretending to be my friend all that time... but I got to the point that SHE didn't matter to me. My husband matters. He chose to drop her, without question, tho he didn't really "get it"... he chose me. And now, my energy is focused on trying to fix us.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yes, I just think of anger as requiring a lot of energy. I don't want to dignify the OW with that level of emotional investment; she means nothing to me as a person. I just have a bit of scorn but mostly pity that she has to get her scraps of validation from someone else's table. She's not mature enough, or deep enough, to find her own. I know you've heard it before, but indifference is the best revenge. She wins when she has the power to take over your mind and emotions.
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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

funny, I'm not remotely interested in the 'other women' (however many there might have been)
I'm angry at him, I couldn't give a toss about them
I guess it's different if there is one specific AP which there wasn't in my case (as far as I know)
But he was the one that stood there and said his vows, not them, and he was the one that broke them


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oddly enough, I do not remember being angry with the OM, or my wife. I felt upset, but I can't recall feeling angry. 

Though I did feel irritated with him when she made it clear to him that she did not want to have anything else to do with him and he persisted. Until she gave him the knee in the groin treatment.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks all! I debated sending her an email telling her to **** off and that she is a piece of ****...after reading the comments I will not do that. People have cheated with a WS and were friends with the BS and that didn't stop them..so how then do I expect someone who does not know me and lives across the ocean to have any allegience to me.

I just got angry when I saw her giving him advice on what to do..like she has all the power over our marriage.


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

Is he still in contact with her?
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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I think it is good to remember if it wasn't OM/OW (a) it would probably be OM/OW (b). If you're going to run around, you'll find someone to do it with. The OM/OW didn't exactly use magic to make it happen. To their spouse, your H/W is the OM/OW.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

highwood said:


> Thanks all! * I debated sending her an email telling her to **** off and that she is a piece of *****...after reading the comments I will not do that. People have cheated with a WS and were friends with the BS and that didn't stop them..so how then do I expect someone who does not know me and lives across the ocean to have any allegience to me.
> 
> *I just got angry when I saw her giving him advice on what to do..like she has all the power over our marriage.*


Write it out. Then, either rip it up and throw it away or burn it. If you want to hold it for a couple days, then do that. But never send it to her. In the end, destroy the letter.

Yea, my husband's OW did that too. When he told her that I freaked out over the texts, she said that was why she deleted everything every night..and he should have as well. I never saw all the texts between them. Never saw all the pics. Never saw what pics he sent her, but I have a pretty good idea based on the dates of the messages and the dates on the pics in his phone. Only one pic/date is questionable. And, frankly, I don't want to know if that pic was sent to her. Frankly, I was guilty of the same things he was at one point, so the content isn't important to me anymore. What is important is working with my husband. 

I never got the chance to contact her boyfriend. But I have an "insurance policy" of sorts. I typed up a letter to him and saved it to my computer as well as other places. If she ever contacts my husband, then I will let the boyfriend know what happened. I thought of sending it anyway, but after two months, I figured it would have looked petty, and showed she was still on my mind. I don't know, maybe that's part of why I was able to let go of all that rage? Because now, I have this in place "just in case" and will adjust the wording based on how much time passes.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I think most of the blame belongs to our WS.

That said, the OW/OM also deserves a big helping of blame if they knew the WS was married and still opted to become involved with them. A person who enters into an A with a married person does so knowing full well the damage they will cause, especially if there are children involved. Claiming not to know the BS, therefore not owing them respect or concern is a cop out. I don't know a lot of people in this world but I would NOT intentionally cause them harm simply because I don't know them personally.

In my case, AFTER OW was told by my H at the 10 month mark that he did not feel right about continuing the A and that he wanted to end it and focus on his M, she began threatening to destroy me and our M. She actually told him that if he hurt her, she wanted to hurt me. So yes, she deserves my anger as her invitation into my H's life was revoked and she still pursued him with the intention to hurt me and my children. She spent months begging, pleading, guilt-tripping and threatening while he went out of his way to avoid her texts and calls. At that point, she became a predator who purposely tried to end my M and demanded my H move out of our home so I am angry about those actions for sure.

However, I do think there comes a point where you need to let go of the anger. OW is not worth my time or energy and I refuse to allow her to take up space in my head forever.

Right now, I still think she's a pathetic, selfish, mean, nasty and manipulative wh0re though. But I do feel sorry for her H and her children.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Another thing that annoyed me was in one email from last fall when he was working overseas in a different location from where she was, she asked him did you have supper yet..make sure you have supper..like she was so concerned about him...trying to make her self out to be this caring loving woman...**** off lady!

Another thing that annoyed me was her.."I miss you soooooooo much!....god I just want to rip her eyes out reading that.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...

I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

highwood said:


> I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
> 
> I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.



I have often wished I could have read some of my H's and his OW's texts or emails prior to the end of the A. I only saw the texts in which she was begging him to please talk to her and to please take her back or she would die.  Yes, she actually said that. Those texts were enough though because like you, I'd probably read any emails between them over and over and torture myself.

I know it's easier said than done, but do you think it's time to stop reading those emails so you can focus on healing? And I say this as someone who would probably not do this myself so I do get it.

I can relate to the surreality of the situation as well. When I think about my H lying to me so he could sneak off to see that nasty piece of work, well it's a complete out of body experience every time I allow my mind to go there.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

highwood said:


> I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
> 
> I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.


Yes, it does feel that way. Another thing that hurts is when confronted, hubby said "well, she wasn't getting it from her bf, so someone had to make her feel better"... calling her things that should have been reserved only for me is NOT the way to "make her feel better"..well, it was, but you know what I mean. At least, he acknowledges that I was hurt by the exchanges. And he is trying to make it up to me as best he can. 

Highwood, I don't remember if you said OW was married or not... nor if her H/SO was told. If you feel it too late to say anything to him, do what I did...write out the exposure letter anyway. Hold onto it if you feel you need to. And, if there is any contact, send it then. That helped me, at least.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, she was single. Divorced, same age as me (43)..

I still can't figure out why a woman who was single and living an ocean away from her (boyfriend, my H) would be content with a relationship that was all online for the last 8 -1/2 months. Why would that be a satisfying relationship?? Wouldn't you want to be with a guy who you could actually go out on a date with??


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

One would think...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
> 
> I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.


I completely understand this. But try to remember the here and now as much as possible. Hard as hell and not always possible I know. Just do the best you can.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't stop being angry.

Angry helps you focus and know your enemy.

These days everyone is so much in a hurry to forgive and accept and accomodate. 

Why? Have we become a culture of doormats? Anger directed against enemies is reasonable and natural. It's nature giving us motivate and focus against threats.

when the OW/OM stops being a threat you can down grade them to not current enemy, but don't rush it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Don't stop being angry.
> 
> Angry helps you focus and know your enemy.
> 
> ...


Not being angry doesn't mean that you're a doormat. Being angry is not only natural, but very beneficial. However, obsessive and misplaced anger can be detrimental to one's mental and physical health. Everything in moderation.


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

It's been 2 1/2 years since D-Day and the woman my husband was involved with still gets to me. She is a mother of five children - at the time her kids were 21, 18, 16, 9, and 6. She told my husband that she would leave her children for him. This is when he sent her the "no contact letter." I just don't understand what kind of mother could do this. I never exposed their affair but it weighs on my mind that maybe I should have contacted her husband. If she could walk away from her family for another man -- then maybe he had a right to know. I do wonder about her children eventhough I know I just should just let it go. She still bothers me to this day.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LittleMiss13 said:


> I never exposed their affair but it weighs on my mind that maybe I should have contacted her husband. If she could walk away from her family for another man -- then maybe he had a right to know. I do wonder about her children eventhough I know I just should just let it go. She still bothers me to this day.


You're about 2 1/2 years late.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

LittleMiss13 said:


> It's been 2 1/2 years since D-Day and the woman my husband was involved with still gets to me. She is a mother of five children - at the time her kids were 21, 18, 16, 9, and 6. She told my husband that she would leave her children for him. This is when he sent her the "no contact letter." I just don't understand what kind of mother could do this. I never exposed their affair but it weighs on my mind that maybe I should have contacted her husband. If she could walk away from her family for another man -- then maybe he had a right to know. I do wonder about her children eventhough I know I just should just let it go. She still bothers me to this day.


There is no statute of limitation on exposure. It's still the right thing to do. The OWH has the right to know what kind of woman he's married to, and to decide the course of his marriage. *If this OW can cheat with your husband, then she can cheat with the next OM*. She still has no qualms about leaving her five children. We've seen here in this very forum, that it doesn't matter how old you are, or how many children you have, or how long you've been married, a cheater is NEVER to old to cheat. The OWH needs to know, but if you do expose the A, at least have irrefutable proof.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

I wish I knew the magic answer.

Letting go of anger of can be hard and the steps to getting over it may be obvious as mud and change each time with every topic. And every time you find something new out, that can trigger you and reset the clock.

I've been debating making a post just about this on there boards here, and apologizing to everyone, as things I've recently learned or just realized from learning here, have cause me to show a lot of anger, towards my ex- mostly, but some to myself, in my posts here. A lot more anger than I wish I had shown that is. I want to be over it all, and fully healed, but I'm finding out I'm not.

I'm sure it's different for everyone, but I doubt its easy for any betrayed spouse who gave their all.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> One would think...


Exactly..I don't get that. If it was me I would want a guy that I could physically be with...going to dinner, movies, etc. not sitting in Yahoo MEssenger with and chatting over a webcam a few times a week.

I still maintain that there was something in it for her and to me that was the hope of a free trip to Canada where she wanted to come over and look for work (coincidentally where her friend was living now). Sometimes I want to slap H for being so stupid and not seeing thru that....sorry but to me she saw dollar signs when she met H.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Their was one email in which H asked her if she was still receiving emails from me and she said "yes, the last one was last Tuesday" (this was last fall)...and then H says Sorry, I should n't have brought you into this situation....and she says no need to apologize..WTF..he is apologizing to that *****!!


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

The OM still pisses me off. Every day it gets a little better but I guess in my mind, it was easier to transfer my anger from my wife to the OM, although I know she was just as responsible.

I get angry because he was a friend that lied to me, even to the point of making me feel guilty about my suspicions. He even asked for an apology(which really pisses me off because I gave it to him).

He pisses me off because he basically got away with it. I talked to his OMW a few months ago and he told her that the EA he had with my wife was innocent. He told her they were "just friends" but admitted that they talked and texted just a little too much which was inappropriate. OMW is a rugsweeper an bought it. 

It bothers me that I still have to see him as his wife is a teacher at my kids school. Their kids go there too so I have to see him at school functions. 

None of this is healthy and gives him way too much power over me. There are days when I feel like I'm over it but days when I bounce back to anger. The wild swings in emotion are less and less each day but still come around every once in a while. 

I'm hoping to get to indifference toward him one day. I'm just not there yet. 

Sorry to Highwood on my own rant but I do know how you feel. We need to be able to move past this. To answer your original question, the OM/OW are never thinking of the LS. If they were, the affair wouldn't happen. Expecting them to gain a moral compass midway through the process is highly unlikely.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Interestingly, I'm starting to lose my anger toward the OM, in spite of his 2 fishing attempts, and the fact that I found out that my fWW was the agressor. Maybe the passage of time has something to do with it too. I know I AM superior to him in every way, his only advantage was that he was a former boyfriend from her high school years. That was it. So now it's getting hard to continue to be angry towards an inferior man.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

I m angry at her on so many levels - not just the obvious but the face during the last 3/4 months of the affair she was trying to get my H to leave me - ok I can deal with that - but that would have meant taking my daughter s father away from her , taking away my child s security and her family unit - that s one thing I won t forget. P!ss me off fine , I ll deal don t go near my child !!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> I m angry at her on so many levels - not just the obvious but the face during the last 3/4 months of the affair she was trying to get my H to leave me - ok I can deal with that - but that would have meant taking my daughter s father away from her , taking away my child s security and her family unit - that s one thing I won t forget. P!ss me off fine , I ll deal don t go near my child !!


In the beginning I felt like this. Then I realized "hell she's got her own kids she didnt give a sh*t about, why the hell would she care about mine???" A Ho's a Ho. Cant expect depth from a ho.

That said-I dont blame you. Messing wiht him is one thing. Taking my child's father-different. But then I remember he was the one jeopordizing that not her. She has NO power. He had the power to say "no" which he did finally but about a year too late.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> I never believed she led my WS astray or manipulated him but she did make herself available
> 
> I just hate her in her own right, woman to woman - you just don't mess with a married man with children still sharing a house with his wife in my value system.
> 
> ...


That is EXACTLY how I feel. You put your finger on it. The Woman to Woman quote really got me. The "How could you, you asked me to sit NEXT to you at our mutual friend's bridal shower" is what got to me. The lack of conscience. The lack of respect. And the next day with my husband (of our children, whom she had met), like I was dirt. No peeing out a fire on my part, either.:scratchhead:


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> There is no statute of limitation on exposure. It's still the right thing to do. The OWH has the right to know what kind of woman he's married to, and to decide the course of his marriage. *If this OW can cheat with your husband, then she can cheat with the next OM*. She still has no qualms about leaving her five children. We've seen here in this very forum, that it doesn't matter how old you are, or how many children you have, or how long you've been married, a cheater is NEVER to old to cheat. The OWH needs to know, but if you do expose the A, at least have irrefutable proof.


I drove all the salacious texts and emails to the OWH's house. He was blase' about the whole thing. I said, "Your wife is driving some 25 miles from your home to hang out on our beach in hopes of bumping into my husband." He replied, "You look upset. I will read what you printed for me."

There is no telling what each couple has agreed to in their marriage. At least I felt better that he knew what was going on. I can't make him care, and I can't make her change. She already has several other boytoys lined up.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> I drove all the salacious texts and emails to the OWH's house. He was blase' about the whole thing. I said, "Your wife is driving some 25 miles from your home to hang out on our beach in hopes of bumping into my husband." He replied, "You look upset. I will read what you printed for me."
> 
> There is no telling what each couple has agreed to in their marriage. At least I felt better that he knew what was going on. I can't make him care, and I can't make her change. She already has several other boytoys lined up.


At least you made the effort. For all you know, he might have been cheating too, hence his lack of a reaction. But you did the right thing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri's said this before, but the OM in his case, was found murdered recently. Now, I don't wish death on the OM, but I won't shed a tear either if it happens to him. 

If the OM were on fire, then I would not panic, but walk at a steady pace and find help for him.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I'd probably stop and smell the flowers


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> morituri's said this before, but the OM in his case, was found murdered recently. Now, I don't wish death on the OM, but I won't shed a tear either if it happens to him.
> 
> If the OM were on fire, then I would not panic, but walk at a steady pace and find help for him.


Hmmm, I wonder if the OM was murdered by an irate cuckolded spouse of the OW?

In my case if OW was drowning, I would call the rescue squad but wouldn't risk my life to save her. 

I would call the squad for my own peace of mind, only.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Zanna said:


> In my case, AFTER OW was told by my H at the 10 month mark that he did not feel right about continuing the A and that he wanted to end it and focus on his M, she began threatening to destroy me and our M. She actually told him that if he hurt her, she wanted to hurt me. So yes, she deserves my anger as her invitation into my H's life was revoked and she still pursued him with the intention to hurt me and my children. She spent months begging, pleading, guilt-tripping and threatening while he went out of his way to avoid her texts and calls. At that point, she became a predator who purposely tried to end my M and demanded my H move out of our home so I am angry about those actions for sure.


This happened in my case, too. At first I was only angry at my STBEH, but later when she continued her pursuit and trouble making after being dropped, I started to become angry at her. IMO that's normal.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

This whole thing is like being on a carousel...but all you want is for your purty little horse to turn real so you can jump off the ride and head towards the sunset preferably by yourself so you can heal and return strong and well without a care in the world ready to tackle varmints and mudslingers and cheaters and lowlife's. But sadly, the horse keeps going up and down and the only way for the fluctuations to stop is to get off the ride or to cut the power. 

After a period of feeling indifferent I'm going through an angry period again and I know the only way for this to stop is for them to no longer be working together. The OW was my "friend"...kids in school together in our mutual town. She works under (no pun intended) my husband in a nearby city. He is looking for a new job. It can't come soon enough. 

I think the only way to truly move towards a neutral feeling is either by miracle (horse/sunset) or with the knowledge that your sig other/waywardwaywardwaywardwaywardspousebadboypersonmyopicdude is no longer focused AT ALL on the other person and that can only come through a demonstration of ACTION on his/her part that they are devoted to you and your relationship. That creates security and rebuilds trust. Until then you have to do what you need to do regain your internal security and feelings of self-worth. Loving the good things. This anger bit, though motivating at times can eat away at us. It's not just a cliche. Get outside. Feel beautiful because you are and dress up for yourself. Spend time with people who build you up. (I'm self-talking too (-). Big hug your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
> 
> I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.


I am glad I read them. I needed to see how my STBEH really felt about me. I don't care if it was a Mid life crisis for him, He's 59. It was still stuff he said and he can never take it back. I see he hates the fact that I saw the emails and texts between them. To bad.

Not only was it surreal reading emails and texts that read like a cheap porn novel on the OW's part, but the part where my own husband was complaining about me. 

He was complaining about things that he always said he loved about me, like being cautious with his money, and liking to cook at home, and being happy with simple things and being an intelligent intellectually curious woman. 

All of a sudden he meets this brainless, spendy, flirty, sl&*tie woman who mentioned in the emails how she never cooked or cleaned the house, had a nanny so she could neglect her kids while she went off being sl*&tie, and liked to go to spas and spent her husbands money on things he never knew about.... 

... and then...all the things my STBEH ALWAYS said attracted me to him and that he loved about me, suddenly repelled him.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Hmmm, I wonder if the OM was murdered by an irate cuckolded spouse of the OW?
> 
> In my case if OW was drowning, I would call the rescue squad but wouldn't risk my life to save her.
> 
> I would call the squad for my own peace of mind, only.


You are a good person. I found what you wrote _inspiring_. I want to be more like you. I pray for the day that I would not look on and do nothing to help. I will get there. I am still bitter. It will change, I will heal, and that is better for all concerned.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Zanna said:


> I can relate to the surreality of the situation as well. When I think about my H lying to me so he could sneak off to see that nasty piece of work, well it's a complete out of body experience every time I allow my mind to go there.


That's so true, Zanna. It's the lying part that I am having a lot of difficulty wrapping my brain around. 

He would look me straight int he eye and swear he would never cheat on me. 

He would come home and hug me and make up some half lie about being out drinking with a friend, if I questioned why he was coming home much later than he usually did on boy's night out or after business meetings.

Well it was a friend, he just neglected to mention it was a girlfriend. 

And, all so he could go off and be with a confessed (actually she bragged about it) serial cheater who often had sex at club in her car, club bathrooms, parking lots and claims she was a member of the mile high club which means she had sex in a airliner bathroom. Ugh.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I am glad I read them. I needed to see how my STBEH really felt about me. I don't care if it was a Mid life crisis for him, He's 59. It was still stuff he said and he can never take it back. I see he hates the fact that I saw the emails and texts between them. To bad.
> 
> Not only was it surreal reading emails and texts that read like a cheap porn novel on the OW's part, but the part where my own husband was complaining about me.
> 
> ...


All the emails/texts are burned into my brain forever. So painful to read. And the compliments he gave to her, and he could not give me one, not even a "You look nice" when we were going somewhere special. And I always compliment him, there is so much that I find appealing about him. It hurts so very much. I wish no one in this world of ours would ever have to feel that kind of pain again.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Don't stop being angry.
> 
> Angry helps you focus and know your enemy.
> 
> ...


The anger is definitely a protective mechanism, IMO. 

I do think our culture forgive cheaters far too easily. Everyone, including the counselors are all to quick to suggest forgiveness or to attribute too much blame to the loyal spouse.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> All the emails/texts are burned into my brain forever. So painful to read. And the compliments he gave to her, and he could not give me one, not even a "You look nice" when we were going somewhere special. And I always compliment him, there is so much that I find appealing about him. It hurts so very much. I wish no one in this world of ours would ever have to feel that kind of pain again.


I experience that, too, the compliments thing. 

My STBEH was not the type to compliment on a nice dress or my hair. 

Yet, I saw that he did this with the OW in texts and email. 

Complimenting her pants and her newly coifed hair fresh from the expensive hair salon, and her whitened teeth fresh from having them whitened at the dentist's office. He also never noticed new clothing on me. I used to joke about it.

I do my hair at home, and it looks good, but he never noticed. I also whiten my teeth at home because the dentists wants big bucks for it. 

He never noticed when mine were whitened. 

How can you not harbor anger and resentment after seeing things like that?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

To answer the OPs question:

Sometimes it's hard to NOT be mad at the OW/OM...sure, your H/W is the one who make the choice to cheat, but some of these OW/OM are scum, who relentlessly chase. They're 'in your face' about it; they taunt; they steal. Kind of hard not to get mad and stay mad.

I'm still mad at the old wh0re who tried to come between me and my husband by trying to start up a texting dialogue, even though she'd stopped talking to him a few years before...before even I was on the scene! The only reason she started up was because she wanted to cause sh!t. To come between us. So ya. Phuckin' right I'm mad at her.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> To answer the OPs question:
> 
> Sometimes it's hard to NOT be mad at the OW/OM...sure, your H/W is the one who make the choice to cheat, but some of these OW/OM are scum, who relentlessly chase. They're 'in your face' about it; they taunt; they steal. Kind of hard not to get mad and stay mad.
> 
> I'm still mad at the old wh0re who tried to come between me and my husband by trying to start up a texting dialogue, even though she'd stopped talking to him a few years before...before even I was on the scene! The only reason she started up was because she wanted to cause sh!t. To come between us. So ya. Phuckin' right I'm mad at her.


Gotta say, loved this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

I go back and forth on this myself. I am still immensely angry with the OM, as I knew and trusted him. He was a pastor at a former church of ours. But I also know that my anger with him is a reflection of my anger with my wife. I was 110% clueless on DD#1. I swore up and down to myself that is was all a misunderstanding. I trusted my wife without a doubt for 11 years. My world crumbled in a day. "Who are you" screamed at her, she transformed before my eyes not only figuratively in perception, but once she had admitted to having an EA only (which was a lie) her demeanor changed, and all the things that should have been red flags for me became glaringly obvious. 

I am not a violent man by nature, in fact I avoid confrontation whenever possible. Being a large man for most of my life (6'1 240lbs) most people are intimidated by me just naturally. But I am angry enough still to this day (Post DD#2 by 60 days) that I cannot travel home to see my family in my home town because he lives there, and I don't trust myself. I have never been this angry before. 

On the flip side of it, during our R, and in speaking with my wife. I know there is a look of sadness on my face that she always questions. I have never once in my whole life been unfaithful to any partner. Not because I did not have opportunities, but because I respect myself more than that, and the I cannot bear to hurt the people I love.

How to stop being angry? I'm not sure, it's day to day for me. Some days I'm hopeful and positive, some days I am sad on down to angry and bitter. It's new ground for me, some days I try to figure out why I am giving her this chance to rebuild what she destroyed. Other days I feel like if I ever showed another person a sign of ultimate love, it would be working through the remnants of our wrecked marriage, and forging a new one. Living each day the rest of my life wondering, and checking. 

Most tell me to let it go and move on, I have made my choice. But only one of those talking has ever been through the betrayal I have. His marriage never lasted through the R. So if you find the answer, spread it around OK? =)

I wish you the best of luck, my thoughts go out to you, knowing you know pain the way I do, the way most of us do.

Peace


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

"He would look me straight in the eye and swear he would never cheat on me. " ---- Sara8 this happened to me as well...during the course of our marriage. He knew my father had cheated on my mother, and thx be to God, my parents made it through and healed from that betrayal, but it scarred me deeply. Years later my brother, who was always the trustworthy nice guy, did the same thing to his wife and their marriage didn't make it, unlike my mother she didn't give him a second chance. (Then it happened to my brother on the flip side during his second marriage.)

Now that we're in counseling and addressing the lies, calling them out, my H knows that promises now of no future infidelity because of a desire to heal the damage he's done, to not injure his family and lose us, are falling on "hearing impared" ears. Yup, hearing impared. (Not that the shell shock trauma to my ear drums can't heal.)

Two weeks ago the anger towards the other woman was rough. The feeling of wanting to rip her dermatologically enhanced face off was palpable. By grace this week my focus is back on healing myself and our relationship and keeping the focus on us and his job situation changing. 

Apologies for going on and on about my situation....the short of this would be that it seems this takes time. The anger comes and goes but at the base of that anger is the hurt of being betrayed and that hurt can only be healed through true reconciliation with a remorseful and action-filled spouse, or through moving on in the event they are not there, and focusing on individual healing and being grateful for the hope of a new life. Hope that makes sense!


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I read somewhere that the OW/OM don't feel like they're taking the H/W away, they feel they are rescuing them... Why? Because H/W talked a LOT of **** about the BS. Sooo, I think most of the anger should be directed at the spouse...
Having said that, if I ever bumped into my stbxh's new 'gf' I think I'd ensure an introduction of her teeth and the pavement.... ****ing *****!


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