# Miserable but terrified to end it



## curlycue (Jun 19, 2017)

Hi,
Hopefully this won't get too long since there is a lot of history... apologize in advance if it does.
My husband and I have been together over 17 year and married for over 14. I was young when we met (me 19 he was 24) and fell in love and had very romantic notions of what that meant. My father didn't approve (cultural issues) but we got married. And the trouble started. He made a wonderful boyfriend but an immature and undependable husband. 
We briefly lived with his mother who was ill (widow). She interfered with every stupid detail of life (how late I worked, how often I saw my brother and my friends) and he never stopped it or stood up for me even though he had no issues with it himself. I pushed to move out and he resisted despite my becoming depressed and on meds (our issues and dealing with the tension with my parents for getting married without them) and then he fought with me on being depressed. 
EVentually we did move out (no prerogative on his part - i found the place and did everything) and he only did it because she sold her place. But she ended up moving really close to where we now lived. Less interference now but she took up all our time. He constantly had dinner at her place, spent too much time there. I was immature in the beginning and fought about it. But I matured and we had a ton of discussions with me asking for him to focus on me, us, the relationship – this went on for years. I simply wasn’t a priority and I started focusing on other parts of my life. 
At some point he noticed I was distant and improved and things got better and we had our first son. Then she became all involved again – not about things having to do with our son. And we were back to her being the #1 priority. Then after a year or so we discovered he had some developmental issues. It turned my life upside down. I ended up quitting my job. Figuring out what was going on with him and what to do became the center of my life. After two really tough years we finally got a autism diagnosis. I was crushed and He completely ignored the diagnosis as if it was nothing and I was making a big thing out of something insignificant. I spent a year of dealing with it practically alone – the issues, therapies, and schools, and decisions. Doing better but still requires constant involvement to manage his treatments and school and health. 
Meanwhile, I caught my husband in a sexting relationship planning to meet at a hotel with someone from work. He claimed it was just looking for attention. We got through that. But I still felt like I was always alone in dealing with life. I was re-thinking the relationship but I got pregnant. 
Another baby and things are somewhat better. We live well together. We’re great as partners in day to day and do really well parenting together. But after 14+ years of not being a priority, I’m feeling like he was ever there for me in the worst of times. I don’t feel an emotional connection at all. And without that, physical intimacy has gone down (this part is my fault). 
So, we’re partners not a couple. We’ve talked about it and he sees what I mean and why I’m there. He keeps apologizing but that does nothing for me. I’m OK forgiving all that. I truly don’t feel angry anymore when I talk about it. But I also don’t feel anything else -no love or passion or intimacy. I care about him to the extent I don’t want him hurt but that’s about it. I really feel nothing. I don't lean on him for support in any way except financially. (Caring for our older son makes it hard for me to work full time.) 
But I’m terrified of ending it. Mostly because of the kids – especially my older autistic one. I’m not sure he can cope with that kind of a change. Or if we can deal with the financial repercussions. But is living together a reasonable choice? We're both miserable.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. It doesnt sound like you've had a real marriage pretty much from the beginning, with your husband allowing interference from your MIL. If you leave, you will need to find a way to work, but your husband will be responsible for support, so that will help out tremendously. Depending on your state (if in the US) you may be entitled to spousal support in addition to the child support. I would suggest you consult an attorney and find out what your rights are.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Are you living in a western country? If so can you get help for your older son, to take the burden of you. It sounds like you need time for yourself. I think you should try marriage counselling and maybe individual counselling to deal with the frustrations of the neglect and abandonment you feel (believe me many women feel like this without having a MIL or special needs son) .

It sound like your H is a decent guy he just does not know how to handle emotional intimacy. Are you of different cultures too? If he is Asian that can be quite an issue esp if you are Caucasian. Just thinking out loud here.


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## curlycue (Jun 19, 2017)

Thanks. Money would be an issue. But first of all I'm very afraid of our oldest being able deal with the change. He has anxiety attacks if we take a different route to school. I can't even begin to imagine the reaction to this. And all the help he would need coping (I.e. Even harder to work)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he might be willing to make some serious changes.

Take a look at the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask him to read the books with you and do the work they say to do.


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## curlycue (Jun 19, 2017)

Aine- yes he's a decent guy. Yes emotional intimacy issues and tends to just go with the what seems easiest.

He has never agreed to marriage counseling before. I pushed for it especially after the autism diagnosis. I have gone to individual counseling- learned to communicate my needs better and deal with the resentment. Problem there always was it kept happening (the "abandonment") even when I clearly asked for support and resentment always came back.

He's willing to work. But honestly, I'm not sure he's capable of doing what he needs to for us. 

Yes Asian. But we both are. So I get the cultural side of family relationships. But it doesn't require to completely ignore my needs. And it wasn't all just related to his mom.


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## curlycue (Jun 19, 2017)

He's apologetic. I'm not sure what he's willing to do or not. And not sure he's capable. 
I don't believe he ever wanted to hurt me. Just could never make the hard choice to stand by me whenever it mattered. 
So now just because he wants to fix things - doesn't mean he can and will do what's needed.

Thanks for the book suggestion- will look into it.


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