# Help - what should I do now



## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

Let me make a long story short. I have been trying to save our sexless marriage by initiating sex for the past month and am not sure if it's me or something else.

My HB said he will try to have sex with me so we can stay married but


He never initiate sex
 When I do initiate sex, he says he is tired or sick or just lay there
 There is no affection, passion or desire in the process
There is no foreplay at all but all mechanical
He does have eraction 

Any advice on what's wrong with this picture? How long should I try before I move on (I have lived without sex for so long that I am ready to walk away from this marriage). I am afraid I cannot live without physical intimacy any longer.

He say he is not gay and is not on any anti-depresson drugs and have no affairs. He says he loves me - but it certainly does not feel like it. Should I stay or should I go?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Is there love and affection outside of sex or has he distanced himself from you?

How long have you been married?

Are there stress factors inside the marriage?

Outside?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

can i ask how old are you and how often is sex and how long you been married???????????

i know exactly where your coming from on the intimacy bit. we do need to feel loved. if its not there, then you think its time to move on. 
and yes i would leave my H if i had prolonged incidences of lack of affection and intimacy. we need it to feel appreciated and a sense of belonging. that were important. 
if you dont feel that in a relationship - then really whats left?
you forever wanting and feeling lonely in a relationship.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Katie-

Sweetheart, it's not you. You should probably leave before your self esteem collapses completely.

If you give him an ultimatum, he will probably at least try, but I imagine things will revert to normal after he thinks he has got you back under his thumb.

May I ask... since you have been initiating this past month, how often you have been having sex?


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## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Is there love and affection outside of sex or has he distanced himself from you?
> 
> How long have you been married?
> 
> ...



I think he has distant himself from me for a long time. He is trying now. He is giving me kisses in the morning before he leaves for work and at night. He now gives me hugs in bed but other than that there is no showing of any affection.

He does exactly what I ask him and no more.


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## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

Hi Justean - I been married for 15 yrs. and known him for 18 years. I am 45 yrs old. 

I have wanted to leave for a long time but due to my culture and religious belifs that I have not leave. I guess it finally hit me that I don't really want to live rest of my life the way it is now. I think I am also older and am willing to do something that family and friends think are crazy.

My husband is considered a model husband (except the affection, love, sex). He works hard, make good money, help with the kids, fix the house, etc. The lonelness is mostly from my part since he likes to be alone - he can live without talking to anyone for days and still be fine.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Katie-

This sort of man does not normally improve without a huge effort.


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## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

justean said:


> can i ask how old are you and how often is sex and how long you been married???????????
> 
> i know exactly where your coming from on the intimacy bit. we do need to feel loved. if its not there, then you think its time to move on.
> and yes i would leave my H if i had prolonged incidences of lack of affection and intimacy. we need it to feel appreciated and a sense of belonging. that were important.
> ...





MarkTwain said:


> Katie-
> 
> Sweetheart, it's not you. You should probably leave before your self esteem collapses completely.
> 
> ...


Thanks Mark for being so kind. I finally convince my HB to have at least once a week - he does not like the idea of having a scheduled time for sex but it happens on Saturday for now. I have also tried to initiate sex in the middle of the week and am successful few times. Most of the time, he will just tell me he is tired or sick or... before I even try. But so far, there is little fun for me, it is more of just getting him off. I don't know what to think when he just lay there and expect me to getting him off so it's over. This is definitely not what I imagined married life will be like.

I truly misses the days when I had sex 5+ times a week with my old boy friend. I think my problem is that I always had high sex drive and feel deceived by my HB who has very low sex drive.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Did he come from a home with little or no physical affection displayed?

Has he always been so disinterested?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Katie said:


> I think he has distant himself from me for a long time. He is trying now. He is giving me kisses in the morning before he leaves for work and at night. He now gives me hugs in bed but other than that there is no showing of any affection.
> 
> He does exactly what I ask him and no more.


What do you think lead him to distancing himself? What does he feel that he is missing to want to box you out? If he has distanced or disconnected the problem with the low sex drive is exasperated.


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## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Did he come from a home with little or no physical affection displayed?
> 
> Has he always been so disinterested?


Yes. Both his parents had drinking problems - I find this out a week before my wedding from his relative. His whole family are all shy and introverts; highly intelligent but sarcastic personalities.

We had long distance relationship while we were dating. When he was visiting me, everything is fine and we had a lot of phone sex when he is not physically around. After we get married and live together, I guess the power struggle/control issue start to creep into the marriage. 

Come to think of it, I think it was all a trick to get me to marry him. I feel like I am a shield for him so he can feel/look like he has a normal life. I am not sure I know what he is hiding. 

He was never really interested in initiating sex or enjoy sex. He always need me to talk dirty to him before he can come. He wants to be in control of his emotions all the time and I think sex makes him feel he has lost control. My hb does not enjoy anything in life, he does not have fun. Everything is considered work/challenge that he just go around doing/accomplish it. Even when he goes skiing, I think it's the idea of accomplish the toughest slop that drives him not the actual enjoyment of skiing.

Is there hope in this marriage or should I just pack?


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## Katie (Jan 17, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> What do you think lead him to distancing himself? What does he feel that he is missing to want to box you out? If he has distanced or disconnected the problem with the low sex drive is exasperated.


He keep saying that he does not like when I got angry with him and the kids (yelling at him and the kids). According to my friends that I am the most tolerant mom around but not according to my husband. I am not sure this is the only reason. Personally I told him that I don't really know any parents who do not yell at their kids sometimes and not showing any emotion is impossible for me. On the other hand my HB does not like to show any emotions.

Not sure I can resolve this issue with HB


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well im 36 and i promise you and no lies. i have told my H in the past if i end up like my mother ( similar to your situation) please dont take offence. but im gone. 
its not about another man, but the fact then i'd rather be on my own and being an independant kinda gal. i would do it.

my mum and step dad have been married for 30 yrs. my mum is 54 in april. they stopped having sex 19 yrs ago. there is no intimacy , no nothing. no real relationship communication. but i know my mum stays koz its easy. mum had a couple of affairs. 
she felt wanted and had intimacy and good feeling. she left home a few times and lived her own life. but came back to my step dad.
but he really more there for her company.

but i cant be easy like that. i would rather enjoy my own company, than come home to a house that although there are ppl in it, it stil feels empty.

the feelings your having wont go away until you make a decision.
dont stay for the wrong reasons. but do things for the right reasons.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm totally with Justean on this one.

However, while you are with him, you may as well experiment... get him to have sex more and more. If he likes you to talk dirty, then why not do it?

One thing for sure, if you get him used to more sex, he will probably get into the habit of it.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Katie - I have a few thoughts that may spur some interest for your husband that may or may be a little out of the norm of your regular routine. Guys being more visual...... if he takes a shower before going to bed....pop in an xrated video and have it playing as you lay in bed waiting for him. Tell him it's time for us to put these 'actors' to shame. Another option - if you have enjoyed adult toys....let him hear you with a little moaning and groaning, then invite him in to join to ensure you both receive the enjoyment you both deserve. It may just be the 'routine' that has him turned off but pressing the 'playfully deviant' button may turn the tide. Then once that is introduced, you can mix in the more intimate 1:1 mutual enjoyment time when he understands that it is really being with him that turns you on.


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