# So Confused, and feeling Regret



## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

Hi,

I've been a reader at this forum, and registered to hopefully find some support and wisedom from the members.

Long story, so please bear with me.

We got married, it was an arranged marriage. Last year i went to India to find my soul mate. After much searching i found someone that was beautiful, from a good family, good education, and seemed like a over all good person. We got engaged and I filed for her to come to the US (i am a US Citizen). We talked over the phone every day (about 4hours everyday) for 8 months. I fell in love with this girl. Being an arranged marriage we discussed everything to know if we are compatible. In an arranged marriage i believe trust and honesty is the base of the relation, and love something that grows into the relation.

Before getting engaged, i had asked her if she had past boyfriends. And she said NO she didn't. If she loved someone else i would rather she marry him than me. I told her all of my past relations. I told her that i understand it is ok to have a past, i mean this is the 20th century, but you need to be honest about it. While talking to her over the 8 months i told her she is very beautiful, how can you not have any boyfriends while in college. She said she never had any relations with any guys and i shouldn't "question her decency". I left that matter alone.

In December we get married, go on our honeymoon. I came back to US in Jan. and she came to US in Feb. I was so excited and happy to have my "significant other" in my life. We traveled, went site seeing, hanged out with friends and did alot of things together. We had our small fights and arguments but i think this was healthy and we would work though them.

In March a few days after she gets her GreenCard and SSN, one night in bed she asks me if i had a girlfriend in the past. I tell her I had already told her everything about my past, was there something else on her mind? And then she tells me that she had lied to me, and that she had a boyfriend for 3 years before getting married to me. A little shocked i asked her "Why did you tell me this before? If you loved him why didn't you marry him?". She replys "I couldn't he was already married". I got upset that she knew she had no future with him yet she was sleeping with him...

...next day I came to my senses and thought that she thought she was in love, and love makes you do crazy things. I talked to her and told her "It's ok, as long as you don't love him anymore and promise to love me more than you ever loved him". She replys "I loved you since we first meet. I never thought about him after meeting you."

We are pretty young, so i asked her if she was with him for 3 years, when did you breakup with him? She says "2 days before getting engaged". I was really really hurt and upset by this. She said she "loved me since we first meet, and never thought about him after that". I think this is a lie! I'm sitting there trying to convince my self "its ok"...

...she then tells me that she had an abortion about 6 months before getting engaged! At this point i did not know what to think and walk out of the room.

I talk to my parents and family about this, and they tell me that she is untrust worthy and that i have only been married about 3 months and should seek an divorce. I will find someone that is trust worthy and better for me.

I spent a few weeks trying to figure out what i should do. Stay with her, divorce her? It was hard for me to see my future with her. She had broken my trust. I did not know if I can look at her or believe in her the same way. I filed for divorce.

She took her green gard and left to a relatives house. I don't know where or how to contact her.

I still think about her, and if i over reacted. Did i do the right thing? She called me a few times (blocked number). 1st time she said she loves me, and to see if she really did, i asked her to "run away" with me to India. She said she's willing to run away but lets not go to india, stay here in the US. 2nd time she called me she wanted to know if i am cancelling her green card, I tell her i'm still trying to consider if things can work out. At times she makes me believe the she loves but some her actions make me believe she doesn't. I am so confused.

I don't know what to do. I think I still love her. but not sure how to see my future with her though; I don't know if i can forgive her of if i SHOULD forgive her. Am I doing the right thing? should i forgive her and take her back?

FYI: my story from a visa perspective Need Help Ending It - VisaJourney.com


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Sounds to me like she used you to get a green card. Pretty short relationship os hard to say if you should call it quits or fight to win her back. I am new to all this and my wife was the "one" for me too but now she is way gone. Still here but totally different.

I'm affraid I didn't give you much help but I do wish you well.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I agree...I've worked in immigration law for years, and it sounds like she used you to get a green card. At this point, I think any efforts at reconciliation should come from her, and should be unrelated to her legal status. Well, that's not really possible...sigh.

I'm sorry. Be careful, and get a good lawyer.


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I agree...I've worked in immigration law for years, and it sounds like she used you to get a green card. At this point, I think any efforts at reconciliation should come from her, and should be unrelated to her legal status. Well, that's not really possible...sigh.
> 
> I'm sorry. Be careful, and get a good lawyer.


Even though I was the one who asked for the divorce? should the reconciliation effort be expected to come from her?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

NeedHelp, just from reading your story, she pushed you into that.

Am I wrong?

Yes, she needs to take the lead in reconciliation, because the whole story stinks of marrying you for a green card and then forcing you to leave her.


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

So I've been thinking about it too much. I am not sure if she is worth forgiving and fighting for. I love her and my heart says take her back, but my mind some times says other wise. I try to list out the things that are wrong/right:

(1) Lied to me. Didn't tell up front about her past.
(2) Was with another guy 2 days before getting engaged.
(3) Sleeping with another guy, knowing he is married.
(4) Had an abortion with him.
(5) Possibility that she married me for green card.

I think i can forgive her for (1) as it is not easy to tell someone about your past; she may be afraid that i wouldn't marry her if she told me and loved me too much to lose me. I think i can also look over (5) as if she only wanted a green card, she wouldn't have told me any of this and had gotten away with it. May be she loves me so much NOW that she didn't want to keep lying to me.

I am unsure about 2, 3, and 4. Are these items "forgivable"? I am too confused and in love to know so am seeking your guys advice.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

NeedHelp_ said:


> May be she loves me so much NOW that she didn't want to keep lying to me.


Oh, honey...


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, honey...


It's possible!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NeedHelp_ said:


> It's possible!


But highly unlikely.

I'm sorry.

Have you ever heard the term "hypergamy"?

Look it up.


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

Conrad said:


> But highly unlikely.
> 
> I'm sorry.
> 
> ...


I don't think that is the case. If she was just looking for a "move up" she didn't have to tell me anything... She already have the "up scale" life with me and yet she told me.

She still wants to get back with me and live with me; however it is me that is unsure if what she has done is forgivable... please help!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>She took her green gard and left to a relatives house. I don't know where or how to contact her.<<

What part of this did I miss?


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

caz i divorced her...

... i think it is slim looking of me getting back with her? =(


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NeedHelp_ said:


> caz i divorced her...
> 
> ... i think it is slim looking of me getting back with her? =(


You are already divorced? It's final?

Why hasn't she told you where she is living and given you her phone number?


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

i think u need to sit down and talk to her about it. U definately did not over react as most would probably have done the same thing, considering she lied to u at day one. 

I do however, believe in 2nd chances. If shes willing to give 150% and work on the marriage, then do it. But ask her if shes really up for it as u will need time to regain this trust. 

As for u, be prepared because she could turn around one day in future, say if the other guy divorced and wants to be with her, she might be gone in an instant. 

It sounds like she did choose you not because she loved u, she may have liked u but she definately loves the other guy more. Basically, u were 2nd choice ( the next best thing to give her a better life - i.e. in the US). 

goodluck!


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

capacity83 said:


> I do however, believe in 2nd chances. If shes willing to give 150% and work on the marriage, then do it. But ask her if shes really up for it as u will need time to regain this trust.


She does want to get back together. But i am not sure if it is the right thing to do. I will be giving up my family for her as they don't want me to be with her anymore...



capacity83 said:


> As for u, be prepared because she could turn around one day in future, say if the other guy divorced and wants to be with her, she might be gone in an instant.


I don't think this is possible. As he is also from the same "village" and it is looked down upon to marry within the same town in our customs. Also if i take her back, and she does this... it would just kill me... this would definitely not happen.



capacity83 said:


> It sounds like she did choose you not because she loved u, she may have liked u but she definately loves the other guy more. Basically, u were 2nd choice ( the next best thing to give her a better life - i.e. in the US).


WOW. As much as it hurts to read that, I think there is some truth in it. I was the 2nd best choice. She couldn't have her 1st choice so go with this one... WOW.

Then again, in an arranged marriage, no body "loves" the other person right away. It is something that grows overtime... You would look for some one that give you a better life.




EliGirl said:


> You are already divorced? It's final?
> Why hasn't she told you where she is living and given you her phone number?


Out of haste, anger, emotions, and family influence I filed for divorce in April. The judge has already signed the "final judgement" however I am not a "free man" until October.
She is living with some extended family/friends. She doesn't have a cellphone so she calls from their house phone. My family does not like her so they want me to not talk/meet her. Her family says we are divorced so why talk now...


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

So lets say she does love me and really wants to work things out and she is not doing this for a "higher status" or just for the green card. Would you say the things she done are forgivable? Would you marry someone who did something like that?


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

I'm just wondering, do you think you've been told the last lie? I was in a marriage founded on lies, and as time moved on the contradictions kept coming in and the lies began to expose themselves... After a while when I'd catch her in a lie like "that's not what you told me before, or I thought you said ect. since when did you ect." She would just get really angry and blow up at me to divert my attention elsewhere. You will be on a slippery slope of insecurity and mistrust if you continue on this way with her. Just my opinion, but your case sounds similar to my own as far as not really knowing who you just married.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Her boyfriend was married. She wisest up and left him. She found you and jumped into it and committed.

She told you about her past, probably because she wanted to be honest with you and not build a marriage on lies. Was your marriage contingent on her virginity?

Get over it. It's in the past. She's not cheating and telling you about her past was probably not easy. She didn't marry you for your green card; why would she tell you about her past if that was the case?

Talk and see if you both can have a real marriage, drop the lies and tell each other all the truths. Then decide. No need to get all judgey about what she did before y'all even met.


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

moxy said:


> Her boyfriend was married. She wisest up and left him. She found you and jumped into it and committed.


She was sleeping with him while he was married. She knew he was married when she got pregnant. Someone said that she would leave me in a instant to get back him (ie he got divorced), I'm thinking may be if i didn't come along she probably still sleeping with him. I don't think she "wised up".



moxy said:


> She told you about her past, probably because she wanted to be honest with you and not build a marriage on lies. Was your marriage contingent on her virginity?


Virginity was never a requirement. Honesty was. Is it okay to lie now and tell the truth later? I don't know what to do...


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

Whatever you decide, don't decide it in an emotional rush!!! Process all of your feelings, the entire situation... The pros and cons... Did you ever find out where she is? And what's that about anyways? If she wanted to be honest with you she would have been.. Be honest with yourself, it's sounds like in your previous post you are trying to tell yourself something. She got pregnant by a married man that she continued to sleep with leading up to your wedding? Am I getting all of this right?


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

teewhy said:


> Whatever you decide, don't decide it in an emotional rush!!! Process all of your feelings, the entire situation... The pros and cons... Did you ever find out where she is? And what's that about anyways? If she wanted to be honest with you she would have been.. Be honest with yourself, it's sounds like in your previous post you are trying to tell yourself something. She got pregnant by a married man that she continued to sleep with leading up to your wedding? Am I getting all of this right?


She is at some relatives house; but i don't know address/phone. I am not sure what to tell my self. Its hard for me to say "just forget her" or "just take her back".


So she finally called; about a month after. She said she doesn't have access to a phone and that she is call from the relatives phone while they are out. I did not argue or talk much; it feels so long since i've heard her voice. It seemed that she was "chewing" me out and blaming me... i just took it. We talked for about an hour before she had to go. She wants me to take her back but i am not sure if i should/shouldn't. She says she loves me and that is why she is still calling. i am so lost...


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

So i've been feeling really well today. It feels like it's been so long since i've felt this calm and confident. I meet some one (friend only) and told her my story and the confusion im going through. She basically said "your X is untrust worthy. Come tomorrow can you (I) with confidence say that she will not have an affair? What if she is not satisfied with me or finds a "stud", can i with 100% trust say she wouldn't cheat on me".

My answer was NO, with the lost of trust im going through i can not say with 100% confidence she wont cheat on me. I mean she was with an married man, got pregnant, had an abortion and she just swept it under the rug as if its not a big deal.

This got me thinking. Why did have an "affair" with an married man? The only answers i came up with was either "out of lust" or "she truly loved him".

If it is out of lust, then there is no way i can trust her not to cheat on me. Again if i dont "satisfy" her she may go out looking for something better. If it is was out of lust, i don't think she understands the commitment of marriage. She was about to break someones else marriage "out of lust". how can i trust that this "lust" won't break my/our marriage again?

If she truly loved him, then how can she break up with him and 2 days later commit to a marriage? How can she "truly love" someone so much that you over looked that he is married and then forget about him so quickly. Looking at my self, its been 4 months since we been divorced and yet i still can't get her out of my head; how did she do it in 2 days?

I think even if i love her, getting her back would just be bad for my future. I would be just setting my self up for more hurt later in life.

What does TAM think about this? I'm I thinking wrong? do i have flaws in my thought? Are these thoughts just caz of my emotions right now? I would like TAM's opinion. Thanks.


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