# Is he a blamer, or is it my fault?



## marriageishard (Mar 24, 2011)

This will be long, but I have to tell the whole story so I can get a real opinion.. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8. I always end up in a fight with my husband about something I did wrong or I just didnt do. When we argue I try to gets words in to tell how I feel but he tells me to shut up bc he is talking, well over the years I learned to just shut down let him yell and be done with it, now he complains that I never have an opinion about anything we talk about, I try to tell him its bc of hows he has done and I have told him he is controling but he doesnt see it, he says he knows alot about everything and unless I can back up my reason about something or why I believe it then he will only consider his way. About 1 1/2 years ago he went out of town to work, not even 48 hours after him leaving I check my myspace and have a message from a girl that had met him at a bar, he bought her drinks, gave her his cell # room # and tried to get her to go there. she hadnt went, but the next day had went to look him up only to see he was married and decided to write me. I called him right away and was so angry/hurt. he said he was drunk, another time he said he just wanted to see if he could still get anyone else, and then on top of that said (well i didnt do it, and i threw her number away) my reply was well you would of if she had shown up, which he did agree with. he ended up telling me he wont go out without me anymore so that I wont have to worry. WEll time went on I stayed but I had changed, inside i had totally different feelings for him and mostly had only stayed at that point bc i needed him, we have 2 kids, I for the most part have been a stay at home mom. I have went to school and worked here and there but he is our full time money maker so to speak. so months after that an old friend contacted me, we ended up talking all the time on the phone and eventually I saw him in person and was intimate with this person once. my husband found out about it, I stopped talking to that person and we decided we were going to try and work on things however he wanted a divorce bc if we did split up leter he wanted all this done while we were getting along, and that if i trusted him then i would do it. I did do it, but it helped nothing at all, he still has no trust, gets angry over such small things and every other fight is hes not sure he can put up with me anymore. he said when i cut my bangs without asking him first. he says I know he likes my hair long and I should of talked to him first. It was a big deal, sure I ended up not liking my bangs either but i didnt ever think it was such a big deal. he sayd Im no good with money, that he has to reminde me to pay bills (not true) a year ago yes, but bc he made the issue so big, i have since then made sure to always get them done. but he still feels if he doesnt say something to me about them that ill forget. I cook, clean take care of the kids, the only thing he does do is work, i dont even have him take out the trash, if he throws his clothes on the floor (as he always does) i pick them up along with any other things he has left around. but yet any little thing that goes wrong is always bc of me, he says he never gives me a reason to get mad at him, but its bc he works, thats it, and yes thats a big deal but bc of that the only thing i could get upset about is if he quit his job or something like that. I have never even before i messed up been allowed to go out with girlfriends, yet he has always went out to bars with his guy friends. and his thing to that was always girls cant be faithful, well i admit my guilt to what i did, even if i felt like i was getting him back, i still should of never ever done it, and i have been trying to prove myself every since but it feels hopeless. im sorry this is so long, please anyone help.. i have showed you my faults and his and just need to see if you think he has every right to always blame me for things, or if just maybe it really isnt all just me. I dont even so much as go to walmart these days without txt him to tell him where i am what im doing, and he still works out of town, he is home once a month for 4 days but i still always let him know what im doing just so he will know.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I can understand why he would need to know where you are all the time and not want you to go out without him, but i think its gone too far. But it also does not sound like you are really sorry about the affair. If you are defensive about it then he's going to continue to feel angry and insecure. Of course since he was considering having an affair I dont know how you could be completely sorry about it. Your situation is pretty complicated.

I think to get out of the mess you have to start being honest with yourself and not try and make him happy. Yes you crossed a line, but he's not exactly innocent himself. Who knows if he actually met up with some other girl. So i dont know if you can be vulnerable enough to him to really apologize. I think it would be best if you refocused on yourself and how to make yourself happy. That would include going out with friends if you want to, not texting him constantly if you dont want to, and also not fighting with him. He can think he is right if he wants to, you dont have to dispute that with him. Take some time to distance yourself emotionally from the relationship in order to reidentify with who you are and what makes you happy. Then if you feel you can, slowly reenter emotionally and see how he responds.


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