# Lost and found.



## mrsc2012 (Dec 26, 2014)

So i'm new here. I've read a ton of good advice already. I was looking at the site for a few weeks before i actually signed up. I don't know if I need advice as much as I need to vent. I'm on the verge of 24 years old so most of my friends are just now getting married so no one understands what i'm going through or they just don't care. Any who my story isn't anything special. I met my husband in 2009. We met and married extremely quickly which i've come to understand is how things usually happen in the military. Things were going extremely well until about 6-8 months ago. I got out before my husband so I had already landed two jobs started school and had become extremely involved in my church. My husband has suffered from alcoholism all his life and so 6 months ago he decided to stop drinking once and for all. Well when he got out of the military he was having a really hard time finding a job so he asked me to move back to his hometown with him and I obliged. Big mistake, his parents didn't like me much. His mom resented me for getting married to him without her knowledge(husband lied to me telling me he told his parents) so she found out on Facebook. That lady can seriously hold a grudge. So eventually his dad told me I had to leave their house because his wife was under too much stress. By then I was already working 3 jobs because I didn't want to be at home with them so it didn't make much sense on how I was stressing her out but i left and H stayed with them because he wasn't working still and had a hurt ego by me paying for everything. That left me feeling hurt of course. I slept at his family pastor's house for a few days and then got my own apartment with no furniture since all of my things were still in storage in califonira and i was now 2000+ miles away from there. We continued to text and meet up everyday because he still had my dog and i wanted to get my marriage back to where it was. Eventually things just hit a head and he told me he was extremely lost and he couldn't get his mind straight if he was still married to me so he asked for a divorce. Mind you there were no arguments at all during this period so I came back to California pretty hurt and confused. He soon after got a job in another state and moved there the first of November. About 2 weeks later he told me he didn't want to end our marriage and that his parents were putting a lot of pressure on him about ending it and their nagging and him not having a job had killed his ego and now that he was working and living on his own again he wanted to make us work and that he missed me. At this point I just took him back because the last thing I wanted to do was throw away our 5 years of good for the hard 6 months that we had endured so since i was already back in ca putting the pieces back together to get my old jobs back we just skyped,called, texted, and sent cute little gifts back and fourth all month and things were normal. I was happier than I'd been in a long time. He even wanted to talk to me about having a baby and starting a family now that he had locked in such a good job. So we were talking about how excited we were to be spending the holidays together making plans and everything. Well his job always pays for his flights home for his time off so he told the flight coordinator he was flying to ca instead. I guess they only fly them to their home of record so long story short his flight wasn't coming to ca but instead of telling me that he wasn't coming he kept making plans with me. Well I make sure all bills are paid so i occasionally check his emails to get totals so i can balance our check books and I came across his flight information. He told me it wasn't what it looked like and that he didn't plan it like this and that he didn't know how to break the news to me because we were both so excited to see each other and that he can just take the time to tell his parents that we were back together so it would be "a good thing in the long run." This happened just a week ago. I was pretty hurt by it because we had made so many holiday plans as well as looking at potential houses i've been sitting on since I wanted him to make the decision with me. I just told him that i wanted a promise(my mistake i think looking back) that when he told his parents that he wouldn't let them talk him out of staying committed to this marriage and he said "well thats an easy promise." Well things went on as normal but the night he got in there his attitude switched and he was flat out mean. I was telling him how i felt about how he was treating me and that i would talk to him the following day. The next day out of no where he tells me that it's not working out and he needs the divorce after all. I'm so confused. At first I was upset and I told him we can talk about it when he left his parents house but he says he doesn't want to talk about it. This happened sunday night. Yesterday he sent me a text saying merry christmas with a kiss face. I just said you too. We had a decent conversation throughout the day. I want my marriage to work because that's what i've always wanted however this is causing me too much stress. If I knew the reason why he wants or needs this divorce then it would make more sense but I didn't get a reason just a husband that was one way saturday morning and was ready for divorce by sunday evening. I wish I had more to tell you guys so you could give me some advice on what to do but that's all that I have. I'm 23 with no kids so I'm thinking I should cut my losses and move on while i'm still really young but there's still that little part of me that says don't give up. 


Geez that was long if you actually read that you're awesome!


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Dump his ass. He does not deserve you. I wish I had a wife who wanted to stay married to me. But then again, I am just bitter tonight.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband threw you to the wolves for months.

It was his fault, not yours, that he did not tell his parents. If he was a man, and not a boy, he would have told his mother to stop the nonsense. If she needed to be angry with anyone, he should have told her to be angry at him.

There is nothing to save. Your husband does not know what he wants. When he's at his parents' place, they tell him what to think and say. When he's not at their place his moods and desires change at random.

Move on. Be more careful in the future in picking guys. Date for 2 years before getting engaged. It takes time for a person who show how they really are.


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## SleeplessInTO (Nov 10, 2014)

Sorry to see you here mrsc2012. It sounds like you have been patient. I agree with Gonna Make It and EleGirl. Your husband needs to figure out what he wants, and he just can't make up his mind, being told by his parents what to do.

Focus on yourself and put yourself first, no more Mrs. Nice with his indecisiveness.


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## mrsc2012 (Dec 26, 2014)

Thanks guys! Hearing my thoughts reaffirmed by others is very encouraging. I've spent Christmas with my family, got back to my daily routine, and I'm planning on skydiving tomorrow.  Moving on seems a lot easier this time. Do you think I should wait on him to file, file myself, or just not worry about it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

File yourself. You have been tossed around at his whims long enough. It's time that you took charge of your own life.

California court system has a very good divorce self help site.
Divorce or Separation - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp

If you don't want to spend a lot of money on an attorney you could do it yourself. Besides the court self help site, there are books you can guy at amazon that will walk you through it.

I get the impression that the two of you do not have a lot of assets for debt to divide. Student loans, if any are your own sole debt, not community propery.

You two have been separated for some time now.

So your divorce should be very easy. Your assets and debt are already divided. Not much to it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is a weak person who can't deal with conflict, and will do anything to avoid and deflect the issues. He is not marriage material, as it requires people to work as a team to deal with life's problems. Your in a relationship of one. His alcholism was an escape. His lies are an escape from his responsibilities. Also he seems like a mama's boy.


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## mrsc2012 (Dec 26, 2014)

You're definiteky right about that mr fisty! He's definitely a mama's boy. I guess when you live 2k+ miles from your in laws you don't really notice other than the thousands of missed calls. 

I guess it's the season for divorce my sister's H is currently in jail for domestic violence because he snapped yesterday. It's nice knowing I have someone to go file with me! 

Thanks for that info elegirl! I went and ordered a couple books. We don't have much together. My car is in both of our names since he didn't have much credit established(parents bought his car) but that's pretty simple fix. Other than that he's agreed to give me my dog back since he fought about that when I left IL. She's such a good girl chewing up all my in-laws furniture. Lol. 

I got a pretty large settlement from a car accident at the beginning of the year and it's in our joint account I can't withdraw more than 2k without both our signatures do I just keep taking 2k a day or is there an easier way to claim the money. I think I might have screwed myself with that. :/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsc2012 said:


> I guess it's the season for divorce my sister's H is currently in jail for domestic violence because he snapped yesterday. It's nice knowing I have someone to go file with me!


Sorry about your sister. At least the two of you can give each other support.



mrsc2012 said:


> Thanks for that info elegirl! I went and ordered a couple books. We don't have much together. My car is in both of our names since he didn't have much credit established(parents bought his car) but that's pretty simple fix.


Yea that’s a quick fix. It’s your car in your possession, you make the payments. In the divorce just say that it goes to you. He can remove himself from the title. If it lists an “or” between your names, you can just have him removed.


mrsc2012 said:


> Other than that he's agreed to give me my dog back since he fought about that when I left IL. She's such a good girl chewing up all my in-laws furniture. Lol.


:rofl: good doggy



mrsc2012 said:


> I got a pretty large settlement from a car accident at the beginning of the year and it's in our joint account I can't withdraw more than 2k without both our signatures do I just keep taking 2k a day or is there an easier way to claim the money. I think I might have screwed myself with that. :/


Do you mean 2k at a time? 2k a day? Or 2k at all?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsc2012 said:


> I got a pretty large settlement from a car accident at the beginning of the year and it's in our joint account I can't withdraw more than 2k without both our signatures do I just keep taking 2k a day or is there an easier way to claim the money. I think I might have screwed myself with that. :/


Do you mean 2k at a time? 2k a day? Or 2k at all?

What I would do is to open an account in the same bank in my name only. Most banks today have online access. Most will let you create an account online so you might not even need to go to the bank to do it. And with most, when you set up your online account, it will list under your online account all the bank accounts associated with your SSN. So you will see the joint account and your personal account.

If your husband creates his own online account, he will see the same joint account, any personal accounts he has. But he will not see your personal account.

And start moving money from the joint account ASAP. DO NOT DEPOSIT ANY OTHER MONEY IN THIS ACCOUNT until the divorce is final. You need clean/clear audit trails.

If you have your paycheck deposited to the joint account, open a new account just for your paycheck and to pay your bills.

Settlements from a car accident are a sole asset. It is the same with inheritance, gifts and things you had before you married. The general rule is that you have to keep sole assets separate from community assets. If you mix/mingle a sole asset with a community asset, as you did in a joint account, then it becomes a community property/asset.

Basically never, ever again mix sole assets with community assets. One of life’s little lessons.

However, if you can show a clear paper trail, showing the source of the money and that it was clearly deposited in the joint account. You can often claim it as a sole asset.

The problem comes when the account has had marital income/assets mix in and then some of the money is spent. Which bucket did that money spent come out of? Community or sole? I would argue that it depends on what the money is spent on. If it was spent to pay for normal living, such as rent/mortgage, food, gas, car payment, it’s easy to argue that it came out of joint marital income, not a windfall settlement.
So basically you can argue that it’s still your sole property and you get it in the divorce. You might need an attorney to write up this part of the divorce. You can find attorneys who will do jus the one bit one work and just pay for that.

Me? I’d first try just writing up the divorce and list the settlement money as your sole asset. List the funds as being in your personal account that you have set up just for the settlement funds and whatever of it is left in the joint account.

Then say in the divorce that he will sign a check at the bank to move the rest of your sole money to your personal account. And he has to do this before the divorce is final.

In the mean time you move $$ as often as you can, 2K at a time. Now it might turn into a piss fight where each of you are moving 2K at a time. But there will be a record of it and if you need to fight it, there is a clear trail showing how much he took.

The worst case is that the court says its community property, so you will only get half. But he has no more access to the money right now than you do.


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## mrsc2012 (Dec 26, 2014)

only 2k at a time is the cap for withdrawing money if both parties aren't present. It's a savings account with the majority of my paychecks being allotted into it on top of the check from the accident(he didn't work from August until beg. November so he couldn't contribute much). We never really draw from it other than what I needed for my condo in San diego. If I lose the money I put in from my paychecks I don't care but I want the accident money. I am going to see my best friend's mother(she's been a divorce attorney for over 15 years)tonight to get a better understanding on what exactly I can do. That ca website had the paperwork for print which was awesome!! First thing Monday morning I am getting that personal account. Thank you so much elegirl! I feel more determined to get my affairs in order than I am to save a crap marriage now!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You didn't marry a man. You married a little boy, and as such, will continue to act in this manner until he figures out how to be a man. 

Can you live with that?


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