# How can you be trusting in a new relationship?



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Or for that matter; why even bother? I would like to hear from others who have divorced and went on to have a healthy trusting relationship. 

When I found out about my husband's affair, I discussed with him going to counseling and working things out or at least giving it a try. His response to me was No; he wasn't going to change, neither was I so forget it. (Speak for yourself buddy.) Anyway, I knew I could not live like that; feeling the need to check up on him, wondering if he was still in contact with the OW-which was impossible not to be because they worked together and according to him she just couldn't find another job that paid as much. The funny thing is, about six months ago he was telling me that she would have found another job if we were going to work things out...ummm...a little too late maybe?!? He tells me on his own that they are no longer discussing inappropriate things with each other. Whatever. I don't really respond to those conversations.

Back to my question though; if I wasn't willing to trust him again, how would I ever move on and trust someone new? I feel like the thought of cheating would be in the back of my mind and I don't want to live that way. I also know I don't want to be alone the rest of my life either. How do you move on with someone new when you were the BS?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

given the right circumstances anybody is capable of cheating, I feel that trust is earned and developed slowly also maybe you have learned some things to help you in the future just because you have chosen to not trust your ex due to history or your experience with him doesnt mean everyone falls into that catergory. Develop your future relationships slowly, trust but verify and ask friends and associates about their level of honesty etc there is a whole world of decent people just because this one didnt work out also work on yourself and work through your issues before you get involved in another long term relationship just my opinion


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

First, you'd need to let some time pass, so that you're not still so hurt by your H's infidelity; then, you'd have to start the person off with a clean slate. He's not your H!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

In the Wind: Yes; this is true. It is so scary though for me right now!

CandieGirl: There are some days when I feel like I have slid right back into the early days after I found out. I think this is one of them. I do know that I can't put my issues about my STBX on a new guy. I have to remember that I really am doing so much better than before~and yes; the counseling has helped me with that!


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

It's a choice you make. I made the choice to trust my current boyfriend. I still feel scared at times, but he's never yet given me reason to doubt his integrity. I just hope for the best. I think it's really hard to trust once you've been the victim of a wayward spouse. I know I have a hard time with it, but I don't see any other way to get over that particular hurdle. My boyfriend says he has 'cautious optimism' about people. That kind of sums it up for me. I hope for the best but be aware that there could be issues down the line.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have to trust yourself, first. And you have to address issues of vulnerability. There is also a fair amount of discernment. Everyone can act like a jerk now and then, but you have to figure out for yourself if it's malicious or not. I think good communication and tactful honesty is key. And admitting when you are feeling vulnerable and also communicating when you are hurt, without getting a big knee-jerk accusatory reaction, being responsible for your own feelings and letting the other person know just how to make you more secure and trusting, is key. But this all stems from trusting yourself first, to do all this stuff, even when it feels difficult and awkward. If you don't do it, you won't build trust and then you won't have an awesome relationship like you deserve. Telling someone they screwed up is one thing, but helping them to succeed in areas where they want to succeed is the other part of the story. If you can really listen to your partner and know what makes them feel good about themselves in a relationship, you can consciously allow them the opportunity to show you how attached/invested they are when it comes to you and them. If you only focus on what you think you might need, you will not fully experience how prepared they are to give. What makes you feel most secure might not be what they are going to communicate that makes them feel attached. Vice versa, if you tell them what's most important to you and what makes you feel more secure when you are giving to them, they will also value that a lot more, and the trust follows from that.
Being a receiver is a bit more involved than just getting what you need, it involves understanding where the gift you're receiving comes from.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

My IC and I just discussed this in my session yesterday. He feels that trust is (will be) my biggest hurdle in the future. I agreed.

Unfortunately, cheating has been a large part of my life...my father cheated on my mother throughout their 40-year marriage and my XH cheated on me. 

It sucks that we have walls up. I had them up when I first met my XH based on my dad's activity. Being the great charmer that he is, though, XH broke the walls down, then took advantage of the situation and cheated. A$$hole. Yes, he is.

But, I agree with WomanScorned, trust is a choice we must make. And, like you said, 5Creed, we can't punish the next man/woman for indiscretions made by former spouses. 

Hopefully, we'll all end up with wonderful people who are honest, with high morals and integrity. Then trust shouldn't be too much of a hurdle to get over.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

WomanScorned: Glad to hear that you got past it enough to start a relationship. There are no guarantees in life; and as a friend of mine told me; possibly getting hurt is the risk we take when we are ready to move forward. So go for it and trust or be alone. I don't want that at all so will eventually make the big leap and just do it.

HNU:Good advice; I am going to reread it a few times and do get what you are saying. I think that it is important to be at a place where this isn't such a big issue.

ImStillHere: Ughh. Aren't some cheaters just the best?!? (not!) My Dad also cheated on my Mom several times but I didn't find out until I was an adult and she was ready to leave when he; surprise!!-had an affair with his secretary. She decided to stay with him in the end and sometimes will question me about my decision to divorce. I just remind her that this is my life and I have to do what I feel is best; just like she did. We don't and won't agree with each other's decisions and that is OK. Yes; I will have to keep all this in mind-and hope to end up with someone honest!


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

My advice:

Don't assume all women/men are going to be untrustworthy like your last relationship. Going into this will destroy your relationship before it begins. Don't sabotage yourself.

The reality is, you're going to go in a little cautious, but you have to go into it with a lowered guard, and play things by ear. Allow this other person to be trusted. Allow them to trust you. That's how you build a strong relationship.

If something happens....that sucks, but that's the game we call "life"

If right now you don't think you can trust anyone in a relationship, you're not ready to begin a new relationship. So don't. It won't end well if you go in head first with that kind of mentality.

Cheers


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