# Give space to wife or not?



## orlsouth (Nov 16, 2014)

I will try and keep this short. Wife and I are going through a divorce waiting period on papers I filed. We had discussed for a while seeing what it would be like. 

When she found out I filed she was shocked. She asked for 2 weeks to think things over. We have two kids but I watch them anyways. She sort of abandoned us, would stay out late all the time and avoid me and the kids for the most part. 

I talked to her mom and she said my wife told her she needed some time to see if she could be a better mother (gone a lot) and wife. She also said wife was concerned I didn't love her and didn't ever buy gifts anymore. I went to a few counseling sessions as soon as she left and I learned a lot about myself and the mistakes I made that contributed to our poor marriage. I feel like I was blind for a few years and want to show her that

My question is, give space or pursue? I feel like its 50/50, she wants space but also wanted me to love her and be more romantic. Should I send her something or try to make contact to show her I'm willing to be more loving and romantic?


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

So where was your wife when she "abandoned" you and her kids? Was she out partying with friends or at her parents?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How loving was she to your children and to you when she would leave....you should ask how does she purpose to win you back not the other way around?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What was she doing all those late nights when she wasn't home? Methinks she wasn't volunteering at a homeless shelter.

Didn't buy her gifts? Meaning you didn't acknowledge birthday, major holidays, or Hallmark holidays? Sounds like an excuse after the fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Not enough info to be able to comment.

When you say she "sort of abandoned" you and stayed out late most nights, avoiding you and the kids, I have some questions:


How long have you two been married ?/known each other?
How old are your kids ?
When did this behaviour start and how long has it been going on?
What does she do when she stays out at nights ?
Are the only reasons she gives for this behaviour that she "thinks you don't love her" and "you don't buy her gifts"?
What was your sex life like - at the start, just before this and after this behaviour ?
Is she cheating (physically or emotionally)? What is your gut feel if you haven't done any investigations ?
What did you tell her when she started staying out late? What boundaries did you lay down ?
During your counselling, what did you learn (specifically to what mistakes you made)?

When a wife like this asks for space it is normally to freely sample life with another man undisturbed and to see if her plan A is workable, else she comes back to her safety net plan B (hence the term separation instead of immediate divorce). Never accept it and never leave the house.

You say you discussed for a while what divorce would be like - why ? And then, why was she shocked when you actually filed ?

And I don't get your 50/50 comment - as I said when women want space its not for you to pursue them - quite the opposite. So what makes you think she wants you to pursue her and be more romantic. She may say this to feed you a line, but I don't know how much investigation you have done and whether there is another man or not.

As I said, not enough info from you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is she a good person?

Have you ever been happy together?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I can see her leaving you but the kids too?

She has deeper issues than a crappy marriage.

She abandoned her own children for fun and partying.

Sounds like she is more irresponsible and doesn't know what a relationship should be.

I would continue the divorce, and you should work on your issues and become a better person, learn communication skills, and learn about needs, physical and emotional.

You can always halt the divorce, and she should work on her issues too.

Obviously, if she does not work on her issues, you can pull the trigger.

Separate finances if possible. I son't think you should trust her. So separate all bank accounts, and close joint credit cards, you get the picture. 

There have been some people who screwed their spouse over financially.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Two weeks to think over her commitment as a mother and a wife? I say no! I'm a wife of ongoing 35 years and working long hours outside the house. Proceed with your divorce. You deserve a better life and a better wife.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

orlsouth said:


> I will try and keep this short. Wife and I are going through a divorce waiting period on papers I filed. We had discussed for a while seeing what it would be like.
> 
> When she found out I filed she was shocked. She asked for 2 weeks to think things over. We have two kids but I watch them anyways. She sort of abandoned us, would stay out late all the time and avoid me and the kids for the most part.
> 
> ...


What was she doing out late and gone? What I'm getting at is, why would you want to reconcile? Okay I'll skip that and pretend you answered that she was not out wh*ring around while you watched the kids. To be clear though, that's exactly what's normally happening. 

Take her on a date if you want somewhere to start but remember that there's no solution without her changing how she thinks about marriage and responsibility.


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## orlsouth (Nov 16, 2014)

We've been together 6 years. Kids are 4 and 2. I have no control over what she is doing, I accept that. She is at least emotionally cheating but I do not believe she is sleeping with anyone. 

Regardless, our sex life was good up until last week, she is kind and nice person. She just seems completely lost. This all started in August. 

We were very happy together before the kids. Then things took a turn for the worst. She says she wants to go to counseling once she has some time to think. 

We talked about divorce before because I told her that I couldn't accept a wife that wasn't willing to be home most nights of the week and not out partying with her girlfriends. Once in a while was ok, but she was completely disregarding any family responsibilities for a while. 

The divorce train is already moving, we are just in a 30 day waiting period, state imposed, nothing me or her did. I filed, so she has 30 days to figure things out. She says she doesn't want to divorce.

In my counseling, I learned that I was basically ignoring her and frustrating her for years. And she was doing the same to me. We were in a power struggle and in a working relationship (just working and watching kids.) We had no relationship. Sounds weird, but I really never had any idea until I started talking with someone. 

That's why I feel guilty now and want to fix it. From what her mother says, it doesn't seem to be too late, unless she is going to come drop the bomb that she slept with someone whenever she does return.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

orlsouth said:


> When she found out I filed she was shocked. She asked for 2 weeks to think things over. We have two kids but I watch them anyways. She sort of abandoned us, would stay out late all the time and avoid me and the kids for the most part.
> 
> I talked to her mom and she said my wife told her she needed some time to see if she could be a better mother (gone a lot) and wife. She also said wife was concerned I didn't love her and didn't ever buy gifts anymore. I went to a few counseling sessions as soon as she left and I learned a lot about myself and the mistakes I made that contributed to our poor marriage. I feel like I was blind for a few years and want to show her that


 Your wife is following the cheaters script. Cheaters always find an excuse to blame shift their cheating onto their spouse. When they do not have real issues like you cheating, being abusive, being a drunk or you being bad with money, they go for the easy to say and hard to disprove they did not feel loved anymore line. Since you are human and are not perfect, they will always be able to find an excuse. How do you know that it is an excuse? Simple, her excuse does not explain why she abandoned her children. So stop accepting blame for not being perfect. The very fact that you are thinking of trying to work on these false reasons, proves that you are a good spouse that at least tries to do the right thing when you become aware of them. As a human, that is the best that can be expected of you.

The reason that she is looking for reasons to find fault with you is because she has another man in her life. The reason that she needs space is that she wants to see if can work with this other man. How do I know this? Read other threads in the infidelity section and you will see the pattern of what cheaters do. On many of them, you will realize how their situation sounds just like yours, and how they too did not realize at first that their spouse was cheating on them. It is down right spooky how cheaters sound so similar to each other when they try to blame shift.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

She met someone in August.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

orlsouth said:


> She is at least emotionally cheating but I do not believe she is sleeping with anyone.


Why don't you believe she's having sex with anyone? She goes out at night, ALL THE TIME.

Don't confuse what you want to believe with the obvious truth.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


soccermom2three said:


> She met someone in August.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, I bet she really was shocked that you filed. She thought you were just bluffing and would continue to stay home and watch the kids while she continued to constantly go out. 

She wants space to decide if that lifestyle -- whatever it is she may be doing -- is worth divorcing over.


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## orlsouth (Nov 16, 2014)

I understand. That is something Iam going to have to deal with and I realize she will probably never admit it. 

I have to decide whether it actually happened and whether to forgive. It is not clear cut for me. I feel guilt, I played a huge role in this happening, whatever happened. 

So everyone says right nownshe is off with some guybdeciding if she can live with him? What if nothing happened and I am juat watching her leave? It isncommon for thebcheated to feel like this, ive read aboit it, i guess im holding out hope she ismt doing anything that severe. I was hoping the divorce filing would aolve it one way or another and it will soon. I juat wanted to know whether or not to sit back and wait or go try and see if shebwantrd to come back and I could help..


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You filed for divorce to test her. 

I get it. 

It's not all that bad a strategy. However now that you have filed you can't backpeddle and start chasing her.

That would just be disasterous on so many levels.

You must sit back and take a wait and see approach.

The ball is totally in her court.


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## orlsouth (Nov 16, 2014)

OK thank you. I didnt want to get into infidelity too much here more about space. Im reading the infidelity forum now. 

I will sit back and wait. She is deciding between me and someone/something else. I can wrap my head around that. It makes sense now, shes mentioned hinking about it having to find aomeone new, start over, and leaving everything she built with me and the kids. 

Does this ever end wrll?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some come out of the "new toy" fog (if that's what the situation with her really is) and choose the marriage. But it doesn't take two weeks to decide. The fact that she needs that long is a serious red flag. 

If she comes back, be prepared to spend a lot of time wondering exactly what went on because the truth can be very difficult to get.


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## orlsouth (Nov 16, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Some come out of the "new toy" fog (if that's what the situation with her really is) and choose the marriage. But it doesn't take two weeks to decide. The fact that she needs that long is a serious red flag.
> 
> If she comes back, be prepared to spend a lot of time wondering exactly what went on because the truth can be very difficult to get.


She left on Wednesday. I saw her on Thursday to sign the divorce papers. She told me she wasn't sure when she'd be ready, maybe 1 day, 2, 3, 10. She just "needed some time".

Someone I spoke to on the matter told me that I should confront the worst and start dealing with it now since I may never know. So in my mind, I assume the worst is happening and I'm working on how I feel about it and whether or not I could move on or forgive.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like she's trying to decide if the convenience of marriage is worth giving up the semi-single life she was leading.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

orlsouth said:


> She left on Wednesday. I saw her on Thursday to sign the divorce papers. She told me she wasn't sure when she'd be ready, maybe 1 day, 2, 3, 10. She just "needed some time".
> 
> Someone I spoke to on the matter told me that I should confront the worst and start dealing with it now since I may never know. So in my mind, I assume the worst is happening and I'm working on how I feel about it and whether or not I could move on or forgive.


 OK so what if she wants to come back. Now are the both of you willing to make the changes to make the marriage work? It's got to be both because one changing their ways and the other staying on the same beaten path wont work so if she's stalling just to burn the candles at both ends, then IMO it going to be a one sided thing with you making all the changes and she not doing anything. 

If it was me and was handed that story that she needed to think, then I would say sorry and tell her to relax her mind and wish her luck in her new life and move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R is a very hard road. Especially when you don't know what you are forgiving. She won't volunteer it either. Cheaters (if she is one) have a tendency to lie -- even when you have the proof they're cheating and since you don't have that you aren't going to know.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Start detaching, and think critically.

Right now, your placing your life on hold for a wife who wants to see if there is something better out there.

If she is in a rut again, will she test the market.

Your in a competition that your not participating in.

She is seeing what will win, her single life style, with a possible man, or men.

Then there is you and the kids.

Could you live with it, knowing that she did not find something better out there?

Instead of working things out, she bails on you.

I am sure she has her good qualities, and you know what they are.

But just giving you a version of your wife from a third party, whose facts come from you.

Hmm, I have another thought, will she be there if times get tough?

Will she stand by you and share your burdens when things may not go correctly?


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## orlsouth (Nov 16, 2014)

I came to the realization that I need to change regardless of what she decides because when I move on and find someone else, I can't do what I did in the past again. I will work on that every day from here onwards.

She did say that if she thinks she can come back and be a good mom and wife she would want to go to counselling, start over so to speak, ditch the friends and going out, and try to find happiness again with us. Sounds like she's trying to decide if the convenience of marriage and the kids are worth giving up this life she is leading.

Like Mr. Fisty said, I feel like I'm in a competition that I'm not participating in. I just wondering which direction was best to get us to a point where we were both willing to fix things. Since I am ready, I am wondering if there is anything I can do now to help her decide to work this out with me. Space vs. Pursuit. Clearly, everyone says just give the space, and it feels counter intuitive, but I'll try it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you want a successful reconciliation, it should be her idea. She should want to reconnect with you. At the moment her perception is that she is in control. When you filed for D, it was probably the right move. It is cutting short her period of experimenting with other men.

You cannot know how this ends. A woman who felt neglected and ceased to feel sexual desire for her husband may actually dislike him or feel vague friend zone affection for him as the father of her children. When she cheats she may need to fall in love with OM and vilify you to make right in her own mind.

A lot this process is unconscious. She may really get thrill out of OM. It's all of that stuff in the romance novels. The eye contact. The strange new smell. New jokes. New tongue. New genitals. People like new.

Once a woman is getting banged by someone she tends to become emotionally committed. Some WAW or WW may move from OM1 to OM2, never really looking back at BH. Others may get over the thrill and want the BH. Read Dadof2's thread.

Do you have a family cell phone contact? Check the call log and see who she texts and calls.

VAR her car.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

orlsouth said:


> I feel like I'm in a competition that I'm not participating in.


 Cheaters always give the other man (OM) home court advantage, where the OM gets to know all about you and the issues in your marriage, and you did not even get to know that there was a OM much less that your marriage was under attack by him.



orlsouth said:


> Since I am ready, I am wondering if there is anything I can do now to help her decide to work this out with me. Space vs. Pursuit. Clearly, everyone says just give the space, and it feels counter intuitive, but I'll try it.


 Right now she knows that you are ready to take her back, and that she gets to decide, while discussing with the OM what is really going on with her, the future of your marriage. This is not what you should be doing. You misunderstood what many of us were telling you. Most did not tell you to give her the space to explore her options with her OM. What we told you to do is to move forward with divorce and not look back unless she makes the effort to try to get you back. Even then, she should never get to think that you taking her back and forgiving her is a sure thing that she can take for granted while she asks for space to explore her options. You must tell her that you are not sure that you can forgive her for the way that she has been neglecting not only you but the children. Look her in the eye and ask her "what type of person is so self centered that they can neglect their own innocent children? I am not sure that I can be married to that person."


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Have her trailed on a couple of her nights out. Shouldn't be hard. A cheap PI can work a few hours a night and get all of the cell phone video you'll need. Do that before making any decisions. You don't talk much about what you think she does wen she's out. Do you know why a pack of cougars goes out partying all night? Do you know what they do? How they act? I have my suspicions. Some cell video will confirm it. 

I can GUARANTEE it will be an education. You seem like one of those "I'm cool with my wife partying at meat markets, as long as it's not too often" guys. I was one. Or wanted to claim I was anyhow. Party girls LOVE that attitude in their man. A hall pass every Saturday night. Or more often, as the case may be.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Space is often the rope people need to hang themselves with. They don't usually know though.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She's taking space to taste the OM all over. You out of the way for a while for the full course. You are plan B to her. If OM tosses her under the bus, now knowing she is no longer a married challenge, she'll come home until the next one and the next one after that.

Good call with the D. 

Get an STD test and DNA the kids for shock value. Keep up the pressure. Execute the 180. Read Up on MMSLP. Head for the gym. Get in real shape and date hot younger girls. Plenty around that don't cheat. 

Living well is your best revenge. Let her be someone else's garbage. Get OM on Cheaterville.com after the D. Her too, maybe. 

*married man sex life primer 2011, Athol Kay. Read it several times.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

orlsouth said:


> This all started in August.
> .


Wake up. She's been whoring around with someone since August.

"Give me space" is code for "I want to be able to boink another guy without you interfering."

She wants to keep you on the hook without losing the other guy and that is known as cake eating. Look it up.

Pretty soon she'll get her game on, take the affair farther underground and gaslight you into believing her fantasy. Look up "gaslighting". 

Your situation exhibits many symptoms of classic cheating behavior. It's predictable and we've seen it many times here at TAM. 

The question of "giving her space" is a smoke screen and is irrelevant. The real question you should be asking is what are you going to do about a cheating wife?


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Wake up. She's been whoring around with someone since August.
> 
> "Give me space" is code for "I want to be able to boink another guy without you interfering."
> 
> ...


:iagree:

When a girlfriend or a wife asks for "space" in a relationship, 99% of the time she's actually trying to "sample" some other guy without her boyfriend/husband getting in the way (I wrote 99% trying not to be too negative, but in my experience I've never seen or heard something that could make that 1% a possibility in real life, and I'm kind of old, so I've witnessed this kind of behaviour many times)

You made the right move filing for D, she's probably been into a side relationship with an OM ever since August, and she was shocked by D papers because she thought you found out about her infidelity and that her cake eating days were over, but then you made the mistake of letting her know that it wasn't the case and that if she changed her mind you would be taking her back, so she asked for "space" to keep eating cake while she makes a decision.

Do some investigation, I'm quite sure you'll find that what people have been telling you here is quite close to the truth. Then YOU (not her) decide if you want to consider taking back a cheating wife (and one that would abandon her children to be free to cheat, nonetheless)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are WAWs but infidelity is often the impetus.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

orlsouth said:


> I will try and keep this short. Wife and I are going through a divorce waiting period on papers I filed. We had discussed for a while seeing what it would be like.
> 
> When she found out I filed she was shocked. She asked for 2 weeks to think things over. We have two kids but I watch them anyways. She sort of abandoned us, would stay out late all the time and avoid me and the kids for the most part.
> 
> ...


Now here is the CRITICAL question.....HOW and WHEN are you supposed to be romantic and build the feelings of wanting romance, when your wife is out clubbing it up...with WHO KNOWS WHOM?

This is a classic form of blameshifting in order for you not to follow through with your plan. I hate to say this OP, but mark my words, if you give her time and she wins you back, it will only be a short period before she starts up this lifestyle again.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W is only figuring out if she wants to stay with you and the kids or someone else. Let's face it. She already has stated it will be hard starting over again. I bet my eye tooth after 2 weeks the "new friend" will appear magically. However, your W has been on some other planet since August. I think the "new friend" was found on that planet back in August. 

File for D. She is already abandoning the kids.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Spy on her at the clubs. That will tell you all you need to know.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

I agree that it would be best to try to find out where she is going all the time. Like everyone has pointed out there is a good chance that she's checking to see which relationship works best for her (If there is an OM). 

Yes she may come back if things don't work out but do you really want to be Plan B, because that's what you will always be. I always find it sad when I read about a BS who takes back a WS who only returns because 1. they got dumped, 2. It turned out OM/OW was never interesting in a relationship and only wanted sex or 3. It didn't work out. As you can see you won't be one of the reasons.

So gather as much evidence as you can and once you find out she is seeing someone else proceed with divorce. Though I really hope this is going to be one of those cases where there isn't one. Not very likely though since it always seems to play out the same way.

And keep working on yourself.


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