# Finding the Will to Live After An Affair



## CantCope10 (Oct 17, 2012)

How do you do it? Two weeks ago, I found out my soulmate, my best friend, my wife of 3 years has been having an affair with a co-worker of hers. It's been off and on for about 6 months. She was FANTASTIC at hiding it. To make a long story short, we dated for about two years before getting married. A year into our dating, she met another guy at school and broke up with me. I was devastated, but respected the fact that she had the decency to break up with me rather than string me along while cheating on me behind my back. That only lasted for about a month, before she broke up with him and we got back together. I loved her and wanted to make it work and believed she did too. She said she was just confused and scared. From that point until about six weeks ago, things were going absolutely amazing (at least in my eyes).

However, since then, I've always been a bit cautious. I violated her privacy (although I feel justified, as wrong as it might be) but constantly reading her e-mails, Facebook messages, etc. I'd read her text messages on her phone when she was out of the room and there was nothing suspicious. 

Anyway, my spidey senses began to tingle as she has been staying later and later at work the last couple of months. Early in our relationship, I'd go to pick her up for dinner when she was actually legitimately staying late for work and by 6 p.m., just about everyone at the office was gone. Two weeks ago, she's "working late" for the third straight night. It's 9 p.m. I'm sitting watching TV and I automatically get that feeling. Maybe it's "mothers intuition" (although I'm a single guy with no kids), but that feeling where you just KNOW something is wrong. 

I get in the car and SPEED to her office. I'm there in 15 minutes. As I sit in the empty parking lot, I text and ask how it's going. Minutes later she replies: "Still at work, getting some last minute stuff done, be out soon..love you". That's when my world came crashing down. I didn't even need to see a text or a picture or any evidence. I knew something was going on.

Later that night, she gets home and I'm in a fit of rage. Seeing red. I grab her purse from her and tear it open, throwing everything on the floor. I immediately see a cheapo pay-as-you-go phone that I've NEVER seen before. I reach for it and she immediately lunges to get it from me. I know what I'm going to find on it, but I don't care. I rush into the bathroom, lock the door and begin reading. I got exactly what I expected. Sexting, pictures, the whole nine yards. I read things about her affair, things they did together, things they did together in MY HOME, that make me literally sick to my stomach. Just sitting here typing it I want to vomit. I can't even believe this is real. After I calm down, she spills her guts. Co-worker, he came onto her, she tried to fight it off but eventually gave in. She doesn't want to get a divorce, still loves me, wants to find a way to work it out. Two days later, she's singing a different tune. After dinner, she tells me she's not happy. Not being fulfilled emotionally or physically. LOVES ME, BUT NOT IN LOVE. The whole nine yards. Two days after that? She's gone. Living with her sister, probably spreading her disgusting legs for this other guy every night as far as I know.

Where do I go? What do I do? She was my other half. I have nothing now. My parents are gone. My sister is in France and we're not particularly close. I don't have many close friends. I have an average-paying job with a mortgage I can't afford on my own. The person I told everything to, shared everything with, spent every night and every morning with, is now gone. I'm not saying I'm sitting here with a gun to my head or anything, so don't get TOO concerned, but I am really, very seriously at a point where I'm wondering what is the point of going on? What do I have to live for? I don't think I want to live in a world anymore where your supposed soulmate can rip your soul out like this.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You have a large void right now... you can still survive and in so doing will naturally fill a lot of that void in with other equally wonderful things.

By the way, your story resonates with me for some reason. I was a betrayed loyal H too.

Anyways, you should see this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/58292-thinking-checking-out-life.html

another man suffering through this painful ordeal, he has been very close to checking out for good, just raed the comments by the folks here, there really is a lot of love here, even if it sounds kinda patronizing - he really is hurting bad. Just as I was and I know you are, but there is truly a lot to live for, it will come to you again but it takes some time to heal - you are in grief, we all understand here.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry you're here friend. 

She's gone. 

First, separate your finances. Get on the horn and cancel all joint credit cards. Go to the bank and pull out your money if you and her have a joint account. Open a new account and have your pay depositedt here so she cannot access it. 

Second, go to a lawyer and find out your rights. Find out what you need to do to start the divorce process and get it going.

Third, go to a doctor and tell him what happened and see if he thinks you need some mild antidepressents and sleep aids to help you through these dark days. 

Then...do not call her, text her or contact her in any way. Go *dark.* If you chase her she will run away from you faster. Chasing, begging and pleading NEVER works with a wayward. It just makes you look weak. 

Do the 180. The link is below on my signature line. Read it, and apply it. It will help you. 

Thats the crash course brother. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. Others will come along to add to what I've listed. Listen to them. We know the pain and agony you are feeling. We have all been there.

So take our advice to heart and follow that advice. 

Godspeed.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh, one last thing... when you go to the doctor get tested for STDs. She most likely did not use protection with the other man.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The world sucks for you right now. But you are young. 

I felt the same as you at one time. Almost 30 years later, I now have a successful business, three beautiful kids and a great wife. 

Don't lose faith in everyone. There are good people out there. Pick yourself up and make yourself better. Look for something to get involved in to occupy your time. For me it was exercising.

Most of all, don't take this woman back when her fling is over. She is a serial cheater, you are better off without her.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

The longer I'm on this site the more my formula seems to work out.

If your wife comes to you sobbing with guilt and remorse and confesses she cheated on you and begs your forgiveness and is willing to do anything to save the marriage, then reconcile with her. Your marriage has a shot.

If you think everything is fine and dandy, and then one day your world comes crashing down because you just discovered your wife is having sex with someone else, be it a one night stand or a long term affair, file for divorce. She is a liar and you'll never be able to trust her.

File for divorce. Put the house up for sale. Move on. Your marriage to her was relatively short. Find someone who deserves you. She doesn't.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, my post will be 2 parts. 

First part: What you should do:

Second part: personal story about my problems, and why you want to survive

Now, you file for divorce!!! No if's, and's, but's, any of it!!! You divorce!!! You get a shark of a lawyer, take her for everything, give her nothing, and get out! 
She is a serial cheater. That means: she will cheat on you with anyone. So don't try to reconcile. Serial cheaters don't feel remorse, they feel guilt for getting caught. 
Then you do the 180. I am not sure where it is, but find it, read it, memorize, tattoo it into your soul. You NEED it. 
Second, get yourself active. Workout, get sexy, get money, then rub it in your wife's face that you can: live by your self, have fun by your self, have fun with your friends, and can still date other women that are hotter and younger. May reason for this is to get yourself feeling better. Because you will feel like crap. 

Your wife is evil, and here is what she is going to do. She is going to try and seduce you. She'll walk into your room wearing nothing but maybe a towel. She will do what is called hysterical bonding, where she tries to claim and keep you. 
Don't let it!!! She gets zero sex from you! You need to stay strong, and not touch her. 

Don't even talk to her! 

By the way, the "I love you, but I am not in love with you." Line means this:
Translation: I am pretending to care about you, so I can keep my life style and string you out. 
But by saying this, I am giving myself a reason for my affair, and giving myself the ok to continue it. 

Get it? 
She doesn't love you. She wants your money. Your ability to provide security. She wants to have sex with someone else that is hotter and younger than you. And probably a loser. By that I mean they have a job (not a career) and probably do drugs, and have about zero life planned out. 




Now, as for how to go on. 
My wife told me about her affair. I OD on steroids. How did it end? A hospital bed. That was 5ish months ago. 
I still got a 50% liver. Plus my kidneys are acting up. Still bad enough that I have to be careful with what I eat. 

Now, find ways to keep yourself busy. I owned 3 businesses besides my career, so I worked there as much as I could. I refused to go home. I would be working 18 hour days. Anything to stay busy. 
Will you be sad, and trigger? Yes. 
But it will be worse if you shut yourself up in your house and cry in your room alone. 

I sufferred a panic attack a while ago while I was sleeping. It could have very well killed me. 
Now, seeing death's door open, but not passing through, really changes how you view these things. 

Trust me, life will be hard. That is why it is called life. 
But you can get over it.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not let this women break you. you diserve good things so have the confidence and pride that will show your WW and others, that her bull crap will not define you.

At first it will be hard but keep telling your self "you diserve good things". When I first found out I was repeating this montra a hundred times a day. It helped me by saying this montra "I diserve good things" over and over again.

I all so went to my favorite resturant and got my favorite meal to go and picked at it to keep me feed for those 1st few days.

It will get better, it just takes time as you work on your self and be positive and never letting your WW evil define you.

Thats the thing here when your WW sees how well you are doing with out her its like a slap in her face....ya its hard but fake it until you make it. Soon the fake perception will start to be real and it will get easier being better with out her......

Start working out, that is another great way to cope.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Let them know where she works what has been going on too!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tom67 said:


> Let them know where she works what has been going on too!


Expose the affair to their employees HR dept.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i seconds bandits post..protect yourself money wise before she makes a mad dash and drains everything,then go competely dark, fall off the face of the earth.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i would hold off exposing her to H.R. right now you got a bargaining chip to keep her in line,AFTER the divorce, then be a azzhole and expose.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah no reason to expose just yet, but definitely protect yourself financially and legally. Do not move out of the home or leave your kids (if you have any). Separate finances, close joint accounts, go see a lawyer asap. Also get a voice activated recorder (VAR) and carry it with you for when you get into discussions with her.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

With all due respect to my fellow forum members, you all seem to have the OP totally wrong. He's not here asking what to do about his wayward wife and how to watch his back. He's here because he feels hopeless and wonders how on this f'ng Earth he can live another day because of her unfaithfulness.

CC10...here's the deal. It f'ng hurts. It hurts more than when you lost your parents. It hurts more than anything you've ever felt in your life. I know, man. I've been there. My soulmate/wife had a FIVE YEAR LONG AFFAIR. I get it. I totally understand where you're at. Guess what? My first wife...yeah, that bit#h cheated on me, too.

There is life after an affair, brother. And it's a life of YOUR choice. You get to choose what to do from this point on. Do you want to reconcile with your wife? Do you want to leave her and start your life over? Bro, that's totally up to you and don't let anyone TELL you what you SHOULD do. Do what YOU need to do. Do what YOU feel is the right path.

All I know is one thing. When I found out my ex-wife cheated on me, I was pissed. We went the reconciliation route. I thought things were going okay until I found her in a bar with her arm draped around the other guy. I didn't make a scene. I put my ring on the bar and told her "Well...now, you've married a bar." I got on my motorcycle to ride home and as I crossed a very large bridge, there was a fleeting moment that I felt it would be so much easier to jam the bars right and go off the ledge hundreds of feet down.

Obviously, I didn't do that. Instead, my mind raced to the fact that I was still breathing. That what she did...did NOT kill me. SHE was not worth me leaving what could amount to a good life.

Yes...I've gone through another route of Hell with my 2nd wife, Regret214 on these very forums. You can read our story and know you're not alone in how you feel. Despair sucks moose balls, man. I get that. A LOT of us get that.

There is more to life than leaving it.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

CantCope10 said:


> Where do I go? What do I do?


Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?

Will your life be better with or without WW?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am so very sorry about this. Remember that you had a life before you met her & you will again. Misery loves company so read the threads on this forum so you know you are not alone.

You have found a great support site here.


----------



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

F that bit h. You are so much better than her. Do not let her define YOU!! You are going to be okay without her. Say that to yourself. "I am going to to be better without her". Say it again. Look in the mirror and say it 10 times. My wife lied to me for 3 years. Cheated for 3 years. But you know what- that is her character flaw. Not mine. She does not define me. She is just a woman I married. 

Get to work. You have work to do. Get in shape. Get promoted. Life is out there and there are good people. They will find you!!

Hang in there my brother. Sorry you joined our club
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

CantCope10, I feel for you. Cheap advice? Dump her and move on.
You will NEVER be able to trust this woman, again. The good news is there are plenty of available women who can offer you companionship without the need to have to involve "trust".

By the way: get a test for STD's. She's likely been going bareback since she no loner is "in love with you".


----------



## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

CantCope10 said:


> I am really, very seriously at a point where I'm wondering what is the point of going on? What do I have to live for? I don't think I want to live in a world anymore where your supposed soulmate can rip your soul out like this.


You're make the mistake a lot of men make. You believe you're no good without a woman and the one you had is the only one on the planet capable of making you whole. The truth of the matter is they are relatively easy to replace. If you can avoid eating a gun, you will discover that not only can you live quite well without her, you actually married a disloyaled, mediocre chick and there a much better selections available. I assure you that 2-3 years down the road, she will be a distant and indifferent memory as you cuddle with your newest love.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> You're make the mistake a lot of men make. You believe you're no good without a woman and the one you had is the only one on the planet capable of making you whole. The truth of the matter is they are relatively easy to replace. If you can avoid eating a gun, you will discover that not only can you live quite well without her, you actually married a disloyaled, mediocre chick and there a much better selections available. I assure you that 2-3 years down the road, she will be a distant and indifferent memory as you cuddle with your newest love.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I know it seems impossible but it will get better. I was in almost the same exact situation, only my wife and I were together for eleven years. 

Divorce the *****. Someone already mentioned that you should get a shark lawyer. I agree wholeheartedly. 

*Make her pay*. Keep the phone and show all her friends and family. Never talk to her again. She's gone, corrupted and tainted. She is not the same person because she allowed herself to be defiled. 

You *need* to cut her out of your life. It sucks. I know man, I know so much how badly it sucks. It is a pain that is indescribable, and it's an epidemic that is spreading like a disease in America's women. But you have to move on. You have to 180 this fraud and force her to face the consequences of her actions. 

I am so sorry man.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Don't think on the hurt. You have a lot to do. Focus on that and stay busy. Hurting yourself won't guilt her and she's not worth it anyway. Keep yourself busy and you will only have to deal with the pain on your breaks. It'll help you space it out. Also if you don't eat right or exersize start both now. It will help you feel better and look better. It may even bring a women worth your time around. 

After most cases like this the WS ends up living like crap and the BS ends up stronger and better. It may take some time, but in the end you win out. Just have to hang on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are alone and in a very dangerous emotional state. Keep posting on TAM. We can help you here and you can use us to vent.

Go meet a doctor and get some medical help. ...


You did nothing wrong but trust the one you loved. She is the one that betrayed you. How come it is you t


Go to meetup.com and see if you can join any local hobby groups. Surround yourself with as many people as possible. join atleast one group.

Bring some friends over if you can. Definitely don't stay alone. The thought s will kill you.

Expose the affair to her family and mutual friends. Call her office and inform the HR. If this guy is in relationship, expose it to his SO. That woman is in a similar position but she doesn't know it yet. 

The next few months will be horrible but believe it when people say that it will get better...

The women you thought you knew is dead. She is replaced by an evil doppelganger. Don't base your healing on her actions or words. She will only say what helps her situation. Even if it will destroy you.

Totally cut contact with her


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

One of my favorite quotes for questions like this is one from V for Vendetta, it's absolutely beautiful and I hope it can help you during your hard time.

"I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart ,I love you."

There's good people in the world who care about you, you may not know they even exist. Taking your own life could take away a great life from someone else, someone who would never meet you and never have the opportunity to be with you and in turn end up with someone like your spouse who ends up ruining their life and puts them in your same situation.

Go out there, better yourself and find that person that has been waiting for someone like you their whole life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Go visit this thread I started a long while back, read through it. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/23016-inspiration.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Can't

You go on because you can.

You go have a great life because you deserve to have one.

You let her go because she is not worthy of you.

But in the end just be as awesome as you can so she someday sees what she passed up. That is the sweetest revenge in my mind.

And be glad for small miracles. You got to see your wayward wife for who she truly is early in your life.

Now go find a good woman who truly knows what love and committment really means.

HM64


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

CantCope,
Like everyone else I am so sorry for you. I think the advise you have received is the right kind.

I think you have to think a little practically here because I dont think the drama is likley over yet.

I do think you should file immediately, (and change the locks on your door, you maybe cant keep her out legally but a bluff attempt may not hurt, dont agree to her comming back except on your terms, let us help you with those, she can wait a day or two). Because typically the spouse will try to get back if somthing goes bad in the affair and you need to be ready.

File asap. If you decide to reconcile you can always stop the process, but if she comes back and you are not ready she will cake eat and keep you in limbo for a long time. You need to be decisive here or she will be in control if she returns and that will be so much more damaging for you.

But it wll take time and we see betrayed spouces start to live again.

take care!


----------



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Follow the great advice these people are goving you. I was where you are 5months ago, ready to blow my brains out. I made it. One more week to my court date and looking forward to a new life.

See a shrink and get something for anxiety/panic. My thoughts are with you, hang tough. Her life will spiral down, you can create a great life for yourself.


----------

