# Emotional Hiccups



## Aroleid

I have been divorced for a year, living apart since 2010, and officially separated due to his infidelity since early 2013.

You would think I know the drill by now, the feeling of being on your own, and the acceptance of what was and what is. We were a couple for 23 years.

Still, now and then, feelings of sadness, and confusion over what happened between us wash over me. I had blind faith in him, and never in my wildest dreams would I have pegged him as a cheater. He moved in with someone else before we were even legally separated, and transitioned smoothly from one situation to another. 

Today, two years later, I have had the misfortune of having met a satisfactory amount of men with issues rendering them unsuitable for a relationship. My life feels choppy and restless these days. A feeling I never had, even during the darkest day of our marriage. Perhaps there was just too much change occurring at the same time: divorce, empty nest, relocation, job change, and no family in this country.

When newly separated, many people advised to not date for 3-5 years. Back then, it sounded ridiculous (the rebound vortex in full gear), but from today's perspective, there seems to be so much truth to this piece of wisdom. 

What are your experiences? When did you feel you were truly ready for a healthy relationship, and found yourself completely resting at your center again?


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## anewstart60

I have been separated for a year and a half and do not feel even remotely ready for a relationship. And when I do go down that path I vow to never marry or live with someone again. It does get lonely at times but I try to put my energy into making sure my relationship with my kids is solid.


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## bkyln309

I started dating once my divorce was final (was separated six months before that but our marriage was over LONG before that). I had been alone in my marriage so long it felt good to date again. I dated a few men at first and then the same man for 8 months. For me, dating him has been really good. It has given me alot of positive things again. I am not sure how long we will date but I dont regret it for a moment.


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## Aroleid

bkyln309 said:


> I started dating once my divorce was final (was separated six months before that but our marriage was over LONG before that). I had been alone in my marriage so long it felt good to date again. I dated a few men at first and then the same man for 8 months. For me, dating him has been really good. It has given me alot of positive things again. I am not sure how long we will date but I dont regret it for a moment.


I can relate to your timeline. The internal workings of my past marriage were dysfunctional long before the split. Yet, I always hoped they could be fixed, and had to realize that it takes two to carry the boat ashore. 

Dating did indeed feel like a breath of fresh air early on. But I soon ran into the "ceilings" of those men, commitment issues, games, and lots of BS, which leaves me a little hopeless about the future, and resentful about the present. I'm not bitter or angry, but I know if I'd still be married, I would not be on this darn rollercoaster. I know, if I return to read this two years from know, I'd facepalm myself, wondering what I was thinking. It's a process, three steps forward, two steps back. I wonder if I could relax more if I did not feel completely alone where I live.


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## Ynot

I feel your pain albeit from a male perspective. I have been divorced almost a year (next week). I have been on more dates with more women than I had before I met my ex. I see a lot of dysfunction, lot's of baggage and lot's of desperation from the women I have met. To some degree I am sure it all goes back to the law of attraction. I am still dysfunctional and that is what I am attracting. When I do happen to meet a woman with her sh!t together, it is somewhat intimidating, because it makes me realize just how much my sh!t isn't together. Some of it is posturing I am sure. But regardless, it still makes me realize how far off center I am still. 
I too get overcome with waves of emotions. Thinking what the hell did she have to do this to me for!? I don't want to be doing this at my age! Then there is the whole, just WTH do I want out of life at this point?
I was married for 24 years. We raised two wonderful, self sufficient kids who are now deep into relationships and careers. I always dreamed of spending time with them and their families together with my wife. I still dream of that when I am flooded with emotions. Now I have trouble visualizing what my future will be like. Like you I wonder WTH does the roller coaster stop long enough for me to get off and move onto the next phase of my life, whatever the heck that might be.


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## dadstartingover

Ynot said:


> To some degree I am sure it all goes back to the law of attraction. I am still dysfunctional and that is what I am attracting.


No... dysfunctional is the norm. You're not magically attracting them. If anything, you're just blind to red flags that are there regardless of your own mindset.

With that being said, it's only been a year, dude. Give it time. You'll get there.


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## huebnem

I really don't feel like dating at all anymore...it has only been about 2 years since my short marriage ended though so I might be different.

I just don't see a lot of hope out here. NOT in a depressed, want to end it all kind of way but more of a "I can't be bothered" kind of way. I actually haven't been on what you would call a traditional date in about a year. Part of my problem is that when I meet someone I try to get to know them before I ask them out, which leads to me seeing something and not ever bothering to ask. Couple that with most women being unwilling to give them the time of day and yeah...

The times I did something like a date I was either stood up rather quickly into the "relationship" or realized that I was a stepping stone to something else. 

I don't really see anything weird about what you are going through to be honest. It is going to suck for a while one way or another. Whenever I see cheating involved in the downfall of a relationship the person that is cheated on almost always gets knocked off kilter for a while.


I also ask a lot of questions but I don't really think there is any right answer to any of these questions. I just decided to find new hobbies and move on with my career...which unfortunately will make the possibility of having a love life WAY harder.


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## Rowan

Ynot said:


> I feel your pain albeit from a male perspective. *I have been divorced almost a year (next week). I have been on more dates with more women than I had before I met my ex. I see a lot of dysfunction, lot's of baggage and lot's of desperation from the women I have met. *To some degree I am sure it all goes back to the law of attraction. I am still dysfunctional and that is what I am attracting. *When I do happen to meet a woman with her sh!t together, it is somewhat intimidating, because it makes me realize just how much my sh!t isn't together.* Some of it is posturing I am sure. But regardless, it still makes me realize how far off center I am still.


I see this quite a lot, too. I waited about 14 months after my divorce, until I truly felt ready, before even trying to date. I'd been alone in my marriage for a very long time, though, even before that. I run into a lot of guys who are dating even though they really aren't relationship-ready. They think they are, they'll tell you they are, but there's often a twinge of desperation about their dating. And often a good bit of dysfunction. No matter how great they are otherwise, a lot of them are still wounded and not truly capable of a healthy relationship at this point. It's disheartening. It can also be hurtful, if you don't realize until you're already attached that he's not healthy right now or that he's still at the point of making women he's with pay for his ex-wife's mistakes. 

For that very reason, I don't date any man who's been divorced any less than a year. If he started dating less than a year after his divorce, then I want to hear him tell me about how that was a mistake and he's taken time off from dating since then to get his head on straight. I'm also very aware of potential red flags. Any whiff of "women suck" or "all my exes were crazy" or moving too fast, or moving too slow, or flakiness, or obvious jealousy, or a host of other behaviors, and I'm out of there. It takes a lot of apparently-healthy behavior to even get me on a second date. And yet, the two men I've had relationships with in the last year have both still not _really_ been ready. They said they were, they thought they were, they even really seemed to be for the first few months - but when a healthy relationship became an impending reality, they got spooked. 

That experience causes me to be more guarded and less patient with whatever the next guy's lingering issues are. A guy is hurting, he ends up hurting the woman he's with, she's more prone to be hurtful to the next guy, the next guy then thinks all women are hurtful, and in his hurt, he ends up hurting the next woman. It's a sort of cycle that a lot of divorced-and-dating people, of both sexes and to greater or lesser degrees, seem to be caught up in.

My advice is that if you aren't at a state of real and genuine apathy toward your ex - whether that's your ex-spouse or just the last person you dated - then you shouldn't be dating. Hurt people hurt people.


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## Aroleid

I think we got a great discussion started here. Dating during middle age, and post-divorce is a different beast than dating as in never been married before, and being young. The baggage is definitely a game changer.

Lots of good insights being posted here. I like the candor of the messages. Too many people pretend: to be whole, to be healed, to be ready, to be tough, etc., but edging closer to a potential relationship takes all these pretenses away, and reveals the nature of the beast, and what we ought to do in order to take charge of it. 

For me, the post-divorce healing seems to be a process with three distinct chapters: Chapter One, immediately after separation or divorce, where one thinks they are ready to venture out to find a new partner. The rebound, bandaid for the pain and newfound loneliness, and rejection. Chapter Two, where after a few failed attempts, with a common theme as the reason for failure, one realizes that there is indeed some healing to do, and that without it, new relationships will continue to falter. So backing off, focus on oneself, and learning to be comfortable on one's own. Chapter Three, ready to find the real thing, healed, for the most part, at least, which includes an improved ability to see those red flags in others, paired with the comfort of rejecting them, without the added fear of winding up alone again. 

I find myself somewhere between Chapter Two and Three, and it has been feeling damn good, those moments of "enlightenment", if you will, the ability to say no, to have your own life, boundaries realigned, and firmly in place, and a clear idea of what you can and cannot live with.


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## Wolf1974

I have been divorced now about 5 years. Lots of damaged people out there. It really is like walking through a mind field. This is for both genders. Despite the saying all the good ones are taken the truth is divorce is hard, dealing with infidelity is hard, especially when you never saw either coming. Lots of good people are now divorced left reeling form the aftermath.

I know for me the hardest part was laying my old life down. For a long time I tried to put things back together as they once were. I wanted to quickly get married again, have more kids, start over in a sense. But I was too old and while my old life was over my kids were still here and they were the priority. 

So I made a new life as a single guy. Far less expectations and for the first time in my life put me as priority. I was able to let go of the resentment I held inside of what she took from me. This is largely what I see when I have dated. I new crop of freshly divorced women who still held the resentment of what was lost vs the hopefulness of what they have ahead. You could hear it in thier voice and how they talked. Bitter,, angry, jaded, untrusting all as I had been.

When I met my now GF it was a breath of fresh air. She had been divorced for 7 years when we met and long since put all that behind her. So time really does move us forward. But no doubt , especially if you online date, you will meet a LOT of people who just aren't ready to date for a relationship. They think they are but you find out quickly the truth


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## Rowan

Aroleid said:


> I think we got a great discussion started here. Dating during middle age, and post-divorce is a different beast than dating as in never been married before, and being young. The baggage is definitely a game changer.


I think the baggage is just a fact. If you're looking for a divorced middle aged person with no baggage, you're going to be looking for a really, really, long time. And you're just as unlikely to find that person in the mirror as you are across the dinner table from you. My ex-boyfriend told me once that everyone's crazy. The best you can do is find someone whose crazy compliments your own. 

My thing is that I know everyone has baggage. My goal is for mine to be carry-on, rather than a steamer trunk. And to find a man who's similarly lightly encumbered.


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## Aroleid

Rowan said:


> I think the baggage is just a fact. If you're looking for a divorced middle aged person with no baggage, you're going to be looking for a really, really, long time. And you're just as unlikely to find that person in the mirror as you are across the dinner table from you. My ex-boyfriend told me once that everyone's crazy. The best you can do is find someone whose crazy compliments your own.
> 
> My thing is that I know everyone has baggage. My goal is for mine to be carry-on, rather than a steamer trunk. And to find a man who's similarly lightly encumbered.


What I meant was that as we mature in life, we collect baggage, in a way a young(er) person hasn't (yet). Which may add a layer of complexity to our lives, and how we approach dating. It's all up to us as to how to handle it. I'm with you, though, carry-on is the preferred way to go. :wink2:


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## free2beme14

I got married at 20, had a kid at 21 and then divorced when son was 11. So I was married for 12 years, got married again and that lasted 13 years. So basically I have been married to someone most of my adult life. Where this leaves me is I have no idea how to date now, I got totally thrown yesterday by a guy I have known for a long time and we have had drinks a couple times at a sports bar. I truly thought I knew this person and he came out yesterday saying he's looking for a FWB situation--I had to look up what that is and then realize that is so not me. I think its different for me now that my son is grown and gone, I want someone to have dinners with, go to movies with, hang out with and be romantic with. But I don't need someone with me 24/7 like I felt I did before.


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## WakeUpCall

Aroleid said:


> I think we got a great discussion started here. Dating during middle age, and post-divorce is a different beast than dating as in never been married before, and being young. The baggage is definitely a game changer.
> 
> Lots of good insights being posted here. I like the candor of the messages. Too many people pretend: to be whole, to be healed, to be ready, to be tough, etc., but edging closer to a potential relationship takes all these pretenses away, and reveals the nature of the beast, and what we ought to do in order to take charge of it.
> 
> For me, the post-divorce healing seems to be a process with three distinct chapters: Chapter One, immediately after separation or divorce, where one thinks they are ready to venture out to find a new partner. The rebound, bandaid for the pain and newfound loneliness, and rejection. Chapter Two, where after a few failed attempts, with a common theme as the reason for failure, one realizes that there is indeed some healing to do, and that without it, new relationships will continue to falter. So backing off, focus on oneself, and learning to be comfortable on one's own. Chapter Three, ready to find the real thing, healed, for the most part, at least, which includes an improved ability to see those red flags in others, paired with the comfort of rejecting them, without the added fear of winding up alone again.
> 
> I find myself somewhere between Chapter Two and Three, and it has been feeling damn good, those moments of "enlightenment", if you will, the ability to say no, to have your own life, boundaries realigned, and firmly in place, and a clear idea of what you can and cannot live with.


I really like your description and identification of the chapters of post-divorce healing. I feel like I am smack dab in Chapter 2 and it's good to know that others are experiencing the same path (whether they are willing to admit it or not). I wish I could get through it quicker but I know I need to let it run it's course in time. Thank you for expressing this so well.


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## Ynot

I agree there are some great insights here on tis thread. I also think the Three Chapter theory is a good one. However I think there are two things that I feel need expanded upon.
First off, I think that many people post divorce are not being truly honest with themselves. I think a lot of people say they are over it and have placed it all behind them, and my truly believe it. But they really aren't despite what they may say. You see that a lot on some of these threads where posters constantly refer to their ex as a b!tch, or have some other derogatory comment. They express anger and bitterness disguised as advice (I know I am guilty of that at times). I don't think any of us are truly ever over it. After all it is yet another of those things that have made us who we are. The real tragedy lies in not being honest enough with yourself to be honest with someone else.
Secondly, I don't know if middle aged people (especially divorced) people have more baggage than others. I really think when we are younger (or when we were married) we just didn't have the gift of perspective needed to recognize baggage. Even the youngest people come with baggage, it might not be loaded yet, but it is still there. Married people (speaking from experience) tend to not notice or overlook their own or their SO's baggage. 
As for myself, I think I am closing Chapter 1 and moving into Chapter 2. I really don't know if you can move onto the next chapter until you have experienced the preceding one though. We all think we are ready, but the only to test it is to test it. Often times that is when we realize (if we are being honest) that the time is not right. Those who lack the ability or have the fear of being honest with themselves are the ones we see moving quickly from one failed relationship, right into the same situation only to see it fail again and again.


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## 3Xnocharm

I hate to admit this, but three years out of my last divorce, Im a mess. Not because of emotional issues left from the divorce, but from not being able to get into a successful relationship since. The first 8-9 months out of it I very stupidly spent trying to get back together with my XH. Since then, I have only found men who don't want to enter into anything exclusive with me. I had a boyfriend for a brief time a year ago (3 months!) but that has been it. He was someone I reconnected with from my past who I always had a thing for and when we met back up, it was instant love for me (GOD I hate to admit that!) and I am still in love with him. We hang out all the time and are best friends, but he is vehemently opposed to being in a relationship right now...with ANYONE, so he claims. I am stressed all the time because I am so insecure about other women since I am not the girlfriend, but I really cherish our friendship and time together. 

Im just a stupid ridiculous mess. I just want to be the special one for someone again. I so miss being in a loving relationship, its just how I am...always have been. There are things I really love about being single and on my own, but when it comes down to it, love and affection is what is most important to me.


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## Aroleid

3Xnocharm said:


> I hate to admit this, but three years out of my last divorce, Im a mess. Not because of emotional issues left from the divorce, but from not being able to get into a successful relationship since. The first 8-9 months out of it I very stupidly spent trying to get back together with my XH. Since then, I have only found men who don't want to enter into anything exclusive with me. I had a boyfriend for a brief time a year ago (3 months!) but that has been it. He was someone I reconnected with from my past who I always had a thing for and when we met back up, it was instant love for me (GOD I hate to admit that!) and I am still in love with him. We hang out all the time and are best friends, but he is vehemently opposed to being in a relationship right now...with ANYONE, so he claims. I am stressed all the time because I am so insecure about other women since I am not the girlfriend, but I really cherish our friendship and time together.
> 
> Im just a stupid ridiculous mess. I just want to be the special one for someone again. I so miss being in a loving relationship, its just how I am...always have been. There are things I really love about being single and on my own, but when it comes down to it, love and affection is what is most important to me.


Don't believe for one moment that you're alone in this! I have a somewhat similar story, although connecting with my exH was not part of it. I, too, find that men tend to be highly unavailable, at least for me (or anyone, who really knows). The key is to embrace the idea that they own their issues. You're not responsible for that. However, what I do see is you trying to rewrite history with men from your past. Odds are, they are in your past for a reason, and you may not have let go yet.

If you want to stick around for this current fella, perhaps lowering your expectations may allow you to enjoy him for what he is to you right now: an emotionally unavailable dear friend. He may have his own carry-on luggage to stow at this point. Not that you asked for any advice here anyway! :wink2: But this is what I have been doing in my own situation. 

But I think nobody here would deny how hard it is to find a quality partner post divorce. I know that I have been much more forgiving than I needed to be, because of it, and in the end, it never paid off.


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## 3Xnocharm

Aroleid said:


> Don't believe for one moment that you're alone in this! I have a somewhat similar story, although connecting with my exH was not part of it. I, too, find that men tend to be highly unavailable, at least for me (or anyone, who really knows). The key is to embrace the idea that they own their issues. You're not responsible for that. However, what I do see is you trying to rewrite history with men from your past. Odds are, they are in your past for a reason, and you may not have let go yet.
> 
> If* you want to stick around for this current fella, perhaps lowering your expectations may allow you to enjoy him for what he is to you right now: an emotionally unavailable dear friend. He may have his own carry-on luggage to stow at this point. *Not that you asked for any advice here anyway! :wink2: But this is what I have been doing in my own situation.
> 
> But I think nobody here would deny how hard it is to find a quality partner post divorce. I know that I have been much more forgiving than I needed to be, because of it, and in the end, it never paid off.


No, by all means, bring on the advice!  

THIS is what I have trying to do, actually, just enjoy it for what it is. But it never fails that some female pops up around us and I freak out. THAT is my issue...if it didn't seem like someone was ALWAYS lurking around, I would be able to do just that. He is insistent that he doesn't want to be with anyone, but who knows what can happen, people pop into our lives unexpectedly all the time. I feel like if he really wanted me, he'd be with me, regardless of the situation...but maybe that just isn't true, and just how MY thinking works. And yes, he does have is own luggage that he is dragging around, despite his denials of that. 

I am the same way as you about being forgiving, too. Bites me every time.


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## Aroleid

3Xnocharm said:


> No, by all means, bring on the advice!
> 
> THIS is what I have trying to do, actually, just enjoy it for what it is. But it never fails that some female pops up around us and I freak out. THAT is my issue...if it didn't seem like someone was ALWAYS lurking around, I would be able to do just that. He is insistent that he doesn't want to be with anyone, but who knows what can happen, people pop into our lives unexpectedly all the time. I feel like if he really wanted me, he'd be with me, regardless of the situation...but maybe that just isn't true, and just how MY thinking works. And yes, he does have is own luggage that he is dragging around, despite his denials of that.
> 
> I am the same way as you about being forgiving, too. Bites me every time.


I firmly believe that if things are that complicated, I need to take two steps back to protect myself. As in less frequent contact, to dedicate the time to building my own life, and enjoying the presence of just myself. We have no control over what happens in someone else's life. If they decide to be with us, they need to do so on their own terms. And the unavailable ones never step up to the plate. Just trust there is someone out there who doesn't tangle the carrot in front of your nose, or who wants to string you along, just in case. Things really don't have to be that hard, and a new relationship should be filled with joy, not doubt, angst, and anxiety.


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## Aroleid

anewstart60 said:


> I have been separated for a year and a half and do not feel even remotely ready for a relationship. And when I do go down that path I vow to never marry or live with someone again. It does get lonely at times but I try to put my energy into making sure my relationship with my kids is solid.


From the perspective of an Empty Nester, time with our kids is precious. That goes without saying. There are times where I would not have felt half as lonely if my kids had been around. The silence in the house can be deafening.


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## Aroleid

Ynot said:


> I feel your pain albeit from a male perspective. I have been divorced almost a year (next week). I have been on more dates with more women than I had before I met my ex. I see a lot of dysfunction, lot's of baggage and lot's of desperation from the women I have met. To some degree I am sure it all goes back to the law of attraction. I am still dysfunctional and that is what I am attracting. *When I do happen to meet a woman with her sh!t together, it is somewhat intimidating, because it makes me realize just how much my sh!t isn't together.* Some of it is posturing I am sure. But regardless, it still makes me realize how far off center I am still.
> I too get overcome with waves of emotions. Thinking what the hell did she have to do this to me for!? I don't want to be doing this at my age! Then there is the whole, just WTH do I want out of life at this point? (...)
> 
> *Like you I wonder WTH does the roller coaster stop long enough for me to get off and move onto the next phase of my life, whatever the heck that might be.*


I can see how a person with boundaries can be intimidating to others by the mere fact of being secure, and able to say no when needed. If someone still is too raw from a past experience, they could easily perceive this as a personal affront, or get their feelings hurt. Kudos to you for recognizing your areas of healing and self-improvement!

As for the rollercoaster, one important thing is to lose the idea that there is this magic, desirable destination of our choice, somewhere out there, and we just need to find it. The journey as a means to an end, if you will. The journey IS the destination, if you think about it. And the scenery changes every day. And someday, if we're lucky, someone will join us on this path.


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## Aroleid

huebnem said:


> I really don't feel like dating at all anymore...it has only been about 2 years since my short marriage ended though so I might be different.
> 
> I just don't see a lot of hope out here. NOT in a depressed, want to end it all kind of way but more of a "I can't be bothered" kind of way. I actually haven't been on what you would call a traditional date in about a year. Part of my problem is that when I meet someone I try to get to know them before I ask them out, which leads to me seeing something and not ever bothering to ask. Couple that with most women being unwilling to give them the time of day and yeah...
> 
> The times I did something like a date I was either stood up rather quickly into the "relationship" or realized that I was a stepping stone to something else.
> 
> I don't really see anything weird about what you are going through to be honest. It is going to suck for a while one way or another. Whenever I see cheating involved in the downfall of a relationship the person that is cheated on almost always gets knocked off kilter for a while.
> 
> 
> I also ask a lot of questions but I don't really think there is any right answer to any of these questions. I just decided to find new hobbies and move on with my career...which unfortunately will make the possibility of having a love life WAY harder.


I'm a firm believer of getting to know someone thoroughly before getting seriously involved ever again. By that I mean at least months, if not a couple of years. Three dates, you're getting intimate, and call it a relationship is no longer something I would aspire to. I want a new relationship to become serious, and hopefully my last one. The sooner someone declares themselves as not suitable, the better for both of us. 

So, I don't see anything wrong with your approach. Too many people out there are looking for quick fixes. If our past experiences have taught us anything, it's to be careful, look deeper, be patient, honest, and real, and accept that you just cannot know a person after a handful of meetings.


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## Aroleid

Rowan said:


> I run into a lot of guys who are dating even though they really aren't relationship-ready. They think they are, they'll tell you they are, but there's often a twinge of desperation about their dating. And often a good bit of dysfunction. No matter how great they are otherwise, a lot of them are still wounded and not truly capable of a healthy relationship at this point. It's disheartening. It can also be hurtful, if you don't realize until you're already attached that he's not healthy right now or that he's still at the point of making women he's with pay for his ex-wife's mistakes.
> 
> For that very reason, I don't date any man who's been divorced any less than a year. If he started dating less than a year after his divorce, then I want to hear him tell me about how that was a mistake and he's taken time off from dating since then to get his head on straight. I'm also very aware of potential red flags. Any whiff of "women suck" or "all my exes were crazy" or moving too fast, or moving too slow, or flakiness, or obvious jealousy, or a host of other behaviors, and I'm out of there. It takes a lot of apparently-healthy behavior to even get me on a second date. And yet, the two men I've had relationships with in the last year have both still not _really_ been ready. They said they were, they thought they were, they even really seemed to be for the first few months - but when a healthy relationship became an impending reality, they got spooked.
> 
> That experience causes me to be more guarded and less patient with whatever the next guy's lingering issues are. A guy is hurting, he ends up hurting the woman he's with, she's more prone to be hurtful to the next guy, the next guy then thinks all women are hurtful, and in his hurt, he ends up hurting the next woman. It's a sort of cycle that a lot of divorced-and-dating people, of both sexes and to greater or lesser degrees, seem to be caught up in.
> 
> My advice is that if you aren't at a state of real and genuine apathy toward your ex - whether that's your ex-spouse or just the last person you dated - then you shouldn't be dating. Hurt people hurt people.


I'll second that, with the added qualifier that the same holds true for women, just to be PC and inclusive. 0 

But you put the post-marital disintegration dating experience in very eloquent terms. Hurt people hurt people, almost a bumper sticker slogan. I've known few who, post separation and divorce were breezing through relationship after relationship, none of which lasted much longer than a handful of months, leaving behind a trail of tears, before they were even able to realize that the common denominator was them, which got them started evaluating their own behaviors. Whether they will be able to make changes remains in the stars, but some have stopped dating as a result, and decided to heal themselves.


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## 3Xnocharm

Aroleid said:


> I firmly believe that if things are that complicated, I need to take two steps back to protect myself. As in less frequent contact, to dedicate the time to building my own life, and enjoying the presence of just myself. We have no control over what happens in someone else's life. If they decide to be with us, they need to do so on their own terms. And the unavailable ones never step up to the plate. Just trust there is someone out there who doesn't tangle the carrot in front of your nose, or who wants to string you along, just in case. Things really don't have to be that hard, and a new relationship should be filled with joy, not doubt, angst, and anxiety.


Thank you for this!


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## Aroleid

Wolf1974 said:


> I have been divorced now about 5 years. Lots of damaged people out there. It really is like walking through a mind field. This is for both genders. Despite the saying all the good ones are taken the truth is divorce is hard, dealing with infidelity is hard, especially when you never saw either coming. *Lots of good people are now divorced left reeling form the aftermath.*
> 
> *I know for me the hardest part was laying my old life down. For a long time I tried to put things back together as they once were.*
> 
> *So I made a new life as a single guy. Far less expectations and for the first time in my life put me as priority. *


Great post! I never looked at things from that perspective, as in folks being cheated on, now divorced, as the good kind. I am one of them, though, I just never pondered it from that angle. 

I hear you on wanting to continue in the old life. I think it is a bandaid that we refuse to get pulled off, because we see comfort in it. Or hope to continue on with someone else in the same way we were with our ex-spouses. I am guilty of it myself. There is a predictability in marriage that just isn't there as a single person, which instills a sense of security. To date, I still have moments where I get flustered over not knowing where I will be headed, or if I would ever find another partner. It's a restlessness that I just can't shake off, and that I had hoped I would never have to face when growing old(er). And I resent the cheating ex-spouse for it, as they now have long moved in with their affair partner. 

Congratulations and good luck with your new relationship!!!


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## Lost40

Yeah... It's hard. I was left/divorced, completely blind sided for OW in July 2014. It was about little less than a year, before I started thinking, maybe it will help me to date a little - here and there. My main goal was "friends". Well, that "friend" thing, turned into more... I fell in love, with someone incapable of loving anything other than a beer bottle. I blame myself. I wasn't ready. I was getting back what I so desperately missed and thought "needed". So, it soothed the loneliness. I missed the red flags, b/c I thought - Wow, this is great... I'm not lonely, I have someone to go hang out with, then it fell into a love thing - then I had that "love" feeling. 

Now... I have nothing again. It hurts bad. I'm in this situation where I don't know if I should start trying to date again, or just stop and forget it all. It helped me to have someone there (or so I thought he was there, b/c he was there in physical body). 

So, yes -- I'm having major hiccups, up and down I go... lol


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## Aroleid

Lost40 said:


> Yeah... It's hard. I was left/divorced, completely blind sided for OW in July 2014. It was about little less than a year, before I started thinking, maybe it will help me to date a little - here and there. My main goal was "friends". Well, that "friend" thing, turned into more... I fell in love, with someone incapable of loving anything other than a beer bottle. I blame myself. I wasn't ready. I was getting back what I so desperately missed and thought "needed". So, it soothed the loneliness. I missed the red flags, b/c I thought - Wow, this is great... I'm not lonely, I have someone to go hang out with, then it fell into a love thing - then I had that "love" feeling.
> 
> Now... I have nothing again. It hurts bad. I'm in this situation where I don't know if I should start trying to date again, or just stop and forget it all. It helped me to have someone there (or so I thought he was there, b/c he was there in physical body).
> 
> So, yes -- I'm having major hiccups, up and down I go... lol


Yes, this dating thing just to fill a void, more often than not, winds up hurting us more, because of the pre-existing marital failure. It a double-whammy for some. If we met a jerk, without experiencing the acute fallout of the recent divorce, we'd just blow them off, for the most part, I'd like to think.


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## Ynot

Aroleid said:


> Yes, this dating thing just to fill a void, more often than not, winds up hurting us more, because of the pre-existing marital failure. It a double-whammy for some. If we met a jerk, without experiencing the acute fallout of the recent divorce, we'd just blow them off, for the most part, I'd like to think.


Or if we have grown from the acute fallout of the divorce, I hope.


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## scienist2

Thanks for the great thread.

I do like the way to break down the post-relationship stage into individual chapters. That helps to quantify the situation and perhaps to take a more balanced and objective stance.

I feel for you with regards to having no family in the country. The same story here albeit you have spent here much more time and have a son. I wish you well.


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## FeministInPink

Ynot said:


> I agree there are some great insights here on tis thread. I also think the Three Chapter theory is a good one. However I think there are two things that I feel need expanded upon.
> First off, I think that many people post divorce are not being truly honest with themselves. I think a lot of people say they are over it and have placed it all behind them, and my truly believe it. But they really aren't despite what they may say. You see that a lot on some of these threads where posters constantly refer to their ex as a b!tch, or have some other derogatory comment. They express anger and bitterness disguised as advice (I know I am guilty of that at times). I don't think any of us are truly ever over it. After all it is yet another of those things that have made us who we are. The real tragedy lies in not being honest enough with yourself to be honest with someone else.
> *Secondly, I don't know if middle aged people (especially divorced) people have more baggage than others. I really think when we are younger (or when we were married) we just didn't have the gift of perspective needed to recognize baggage. Even the youngest people come with baggage, it might not be loaded yet, but it is still there. Married people (speaking from experience) tend to not notice or overlook their own or their SO's baggage.*
> As for myself, I think I am closing Chapter 1 and moving into Chapter 2. I really don't know if you can move onto the next chapter until you have experienced the preceding one though. We all think we are ready, but the only to test it is to test it. Often times that is when we realize (if we are being honest) that the time is not right. Those who lack the ability or have the fear of being honest with themselves are the ones we see moving quickly from one failed relationship, right into the same situation only to see it fail again and again.


I think this is a good point. When I was young, I had a lot of baggage. I had a sh!t-ton of baggage. I just didn't KNOW that I had it. I didn't know that I was carrying around all of these messy emotions and feelings surrounding my childhood, and it took my divorce to open my eyes to these things, and to really start working on them, to take them apart and examine them, and to see how all the pieces fit. I'm still a fvkcing mess, but I'm aware and much healthier and a better candidate for a HEALTHY relationship now than I was 15 years ago. And it has taught me what to look out for in terms of red flags with potential partners.

At this point, I'd rather find someone like me, who's divorced and who has learned from that experience, than to be with someone who's never been married.


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## Ynot

FIP, I have had the same experience.


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## Nomorebeans

Hi, Aroleid. Late to the "party," as usual.

I married my ex-husband at 25 after living with him for 2 years. We were married for 25 years and have a 14-year-old son. So, I knew (or thought I knew) him for more than half my life, and was married to him for half of it. Now I find myself at 50 and divorced with a school-age son I'm raising about 80% on my own. EH left me for an OW he met a little over a year ago and who I found out about several months after that, and moved her in with him a little over a month after our divorce was final in July 2015.

To say I'm still reeling is an understatement.

I've been too shell-shocked to even imagine ever dating again for the last several months. Now I find myself dabbling with your Chapter One, and I know I'm feeling that way because I'm tired of being alone. I was alone in our marriage for a number of years before the affair and separation and divorce, but that loneliness is different from what I'm experiencing now. I feel like a sailboat in the middle of the ocean, with my sails flapping in the breeze, and no anchor or rudder or wheel. A couple of single men I've known for a long time have recently expressed an interest in having a date with me. I have to admit I was tempted because I liked the idea of an attractive male paying some attention to me again.

But I know that's not the right reason to go for it. I'm not ready. If someone like them really were genuinely interested in having a relationship with me, it wouldn't be fair to him for me to jump back into the pool right now. And it really, really wouldn't be fair to my son, who is still getting used to the idea that his parents are actually divorced and his Dad lives with some other woman (he hasn't told any of his friends even that we're divorced yet, and a couple of them have divorced parents, themselves). It most especially wouldn't be fair to me. I'm (obviously) still healing. I do have moments - sometimes days, even - where I feel like I'm almost there - almost "over it." But those, it's turning out, are just mirages - glimpses of how I'll hopefully feel all the time someday, but not truly my reality just yet.


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## BlueWoman

One year and a quarter post divorce. For the first 10 months, I was so shell shocked and in pain that I was no good for anyone. Dated some, but didn't like anyone. Everyone had glaring red flags. But that was really me. At the 10 month mark found a nice guy and had some fun, but realized I didn't want to be a girl friend. I don't want to compromise right now. I don't want to share my space, and I am selfish with my time. And you know what, that's fine. I am in no rush. So I'm not dating or looking to date right now. And it feels good.


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