# Wife has strayed physically and spiritually



## marksaysay

My wife of 10 years is in need of a spiritual awakening and I'm asking for your prayers. Most of my story is under the thread "Could someone please explain this 'fog'". Brief background though. I'm an ordained bapstist minister who has dealt with a pornography issue long before I was married and became a minister (pornography started around 14, got married at 24, became minister at 26). I have really got a good handle on the pornography now with the help of prayer and counseling. I've made some other mistakes throughout our relationship but none that can't be fixed. I accept full responsibility for my mistakes and am working on most if not all of them.

My wife asked for a separation in October and since then i have discovered and confronted her about an affair as well as some other inappropriate contact with other men. We have always been a couple who took great pride in our relationship with God and had a lot of involvement with ministry in the church. My wife has since blamed me for her indiscretion and has stated that she no longer wants to be with me. She filed for divorce the day after I called an individual she was having an emotional affair and who ended it immediately because wife was untruthful with him. Keep in mind that she threatened divorce after an initial confrontation on Oct. 20 but didn't file until Nov. 10. I understand that she's in this fog that most people have describe on this site and she has pretty much followed the script. 

Right now, while I would obviously love to restore and resurrect our relationship, i've learned what it means to have unconditional love for another, my "one-flesh" mate. At this stage, I'm not chasing her, or constantly calling her, or any of that stuff because she knows where i stand. I'm no longer at her every beck and call, which has made her increasingly angry. My biggest concern is that, looking back, i now understand that months prior to the infidelity, she started to distance herself from the church and subsequently from God. She would miss occasionally, most of the time because she said she was too mad at me to go. Now, while people, specifically her mother's side of the family, feel this is a woman who's had enough, i see it differently. I see a woman who has strayed from God and has made herself vulnerable to Satan. During this separation/divorce, we agreed that we would still attend the same church, she has been absent 5 of the last 8 weeks. For years, we never missed a service, and now it's so easy for her to do. I was told by our pastor today that she said she would not be bringing in the new year at our church service tonight either, and that's the first time in 9 years she won't be there. She is desperately in need of a spiritual awakening and I just ask that you all pray for her. I know that until she comes back to God, there is little chance that she will come back to me.


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## Powerbane

Mark - I've been praying for both of you for a while now. It definitely can't hurt. I'll say an extra rosary as well. 

You come a long way. 

God bless and here's to a happier 2011!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45

A prayer for infidels everywhere

Father we thank you for prayer and the power it brings 
to align us with YOUR Will.

Jesus tells us to pray for those who hurt us and to forgive
them for what they do or don't do.

For he took on our sins and forgave us , though we rejected
him and knew him not b4, during, and after.

We ask for YOUR divine grace to fill us moment by moment as we try to live victorious lives daily in YOUR power & strength.

We ask that your WILL override our wills and deliver us from 
evil of all kinds/sorts. For thine is the kingdom, the power
and the Glory forever and ever. Amen.


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## 827Aug

I will continue praying for you and your family also. Unfortunately, your wife probably won't find God again until she suffers humility. As long as someone has unbridled pride and no humility, they play in the Devil's house. At least that's how the story has gone with my estranged husband.

Keep your faith!


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## marksaysay

At this point, faith is all i have. When people keep telling me that I need to move on, something down inside of me keeps telling me to hold on. I know there are some on this website that feel that moving on and finding someone else is the best thing for me, but my conviction is based on the fact that I know that God "hates" divorce and that the out clauses, infidelity and desertion, found in the bible were for man because of their hardened hearts, not because it was what God wanted. I see so many ways, where once reconciliation takes place, that this could benefit not only our marriage, but it could also benefit our ministry together as a pro-marriage couple who's relationship was dead but was brought back to life my God. I could see how God could be glorified when this difficult storm is weathered. I could see how God could take this bad situation and turn it into good. Ultimately, he's the one who has to fix this situation because Lord knows i've tried to do all i could. Because of my understanding of God's view of divorce, and with the fact that spouse and I both come from broken homes, one of my motivations is to break the cycle and teach our daughter what it means to be with someone through sickness and health, for richer for poor, for better or for worse, till death do them part.


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## cb45

unfortunately what u think is

only one persons mindset. my prayer was for all parties esp
concerning the will or her/your will v.s. God's will.

God does hate divorce, but that/those scriptures run deeper 
than just man & woman marriage issues.

i'll let the H>S> be yer guide on that one, as well as what your
future holds. for it may not be as u "will" it to be.

shalom........


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## michzz

You have a problem in your marriage that will hinder your reconciliation.

Your religion.

I'm not bashing it. Hear me out.

You being a minister and a baptist and everyone at your church knowing of the affair makes it extremely hard for your wife to be around any and all of you.

Because you are a part of that hierarchy your wife's affair is being dealt with differently than if you were some Joe.

So she rejects the whole ball of wax.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

mommy22 said:


> I completely agree with you. Although you do have the "out", if you can find it in your heart to forgive, then that's what you should do. "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors..." I highly commend you on your patience and forgiving heart in this terrible situation. I agree that she has to get her heart right before she can return to the marriage. It's a heart issue and hers is hardened at the moment. Prayer is all you can do at the moment, but I'm a big believer in the power of prayer. We often see it as a last resort but God's ways are so much highter than our own. His thoughts aren't our thoughts. I'll be praying for your wife's heart to be pricked by the Holy Spirit to turn from her selfishness and to snap back to reality of how much she has gone astray. If she could "snap back" she probably wouldn't even recognize herself in the mirror. That place of contrition is right where God wants her and right where we have to pray for her to be.


Forgiveness has already been granted to her. I'm not sure at this point that she has or can forgive herself. I do know that holding on to my faith and persistent prayer is all i can do right now. Yes, i also know that it is a heart issue and that hers is solid as a rock right now. But I also know that God can take a heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh. And at this point, he's the only one that can do it. You are exactly right about the selfishness, too. Everything out of her mouth of late has been laced the I's and me's. She doesn't care about anybody else and that's never a good thing. I won't stop praying, though. Nothing is impossible when God is involved.


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## marksaysay

Wife called early this saying I changed her cell phone account password while trying to snoop on her. While I did a lot of snooping to discover her activities, I stopped doing that well over a month ago. She wouldn't stop blaming me long enough for me to tell her that she hadn't called the company to do the transfer of liability (I gave her the number 2 months ago) so while our bills are separate, her number is still linked to mine. I was just trying to get online to pay my bill but couldn't because of the changes she'd made. She tells me that she's been planning to leave me for years. 

She has filed for PO but she complains when I don't respond to her phone calls. She got mad when I turned down her invite to be with her and daughter while she opened Xmas gifts. She doesnt want me to contact her but she can contact me. Throughout our relationship, I've never nor would I ever do anything to hurt her. I have been nice to her throughout all of this even after the numerous profanity laced texts, her throwing water in my face, and even at one point trying to hit me. She claims I stalked her by invading her privacy. She told me she would make my life hard if I just didn't give what she wanted and she is really trying. On the PO request, she even asked the judge to make me give her my car. She is just being vindictive.
She told them I threatened her when I mentioned the vow 'til death do us part' in one of our conversations. I know what some of you may think, but I'm not a violent person and I'm a God-fearing person who would never do anything like that. In the context of our conversation, one in which I was cool and calm while she yelled, I was simply trying to imply that a marriage is meant for the long haul and not until things get too hard or until one gets tired. I regret my choice of words now, but I meant nothing out of the way by my comment. 

She also told me today that she's been getting advice from a male friend from school because he's been through divorce. She will take advice from someone she just recently got back in contact with but wont listen to anyone at our church who cares about us and our family. He doesn't know me or our daughter. I will continue praying until this situation reaches a conclusion. That's pretty much all I can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

Here is what I am missing from your story MarkSaySay. *Humility* . I did not take the time to read your other thread, so I hope I will not be out of line, this is based on my thoughts here only - It appears from your story : 

* Your wife is in need of a Spiritual awakening - but you are fine, you love unconditionally. 

* She has strayed from God and has made herself vulnerable to Satan while you have remained steadfast, honorable, and vow -keeping. 

* She has a heart of stone, Only God can Unharden her heart, HATES divorce , and she is vindictive, 

* Only selfishness flows from her mouth

* You speak of her coming back to you to BENEFIT your marraige and the MINISTRY. 

* Her family appears to be on HER side -feeling she has had "enough" , amazingly you did not say they were also inflenced by Satan and his Wiles. 

* She took out a Protectioin Order against you. 

* She told you she has been planning to leave you for years.

I do believe one thing: YOU ARE VERY GOD FEARING. Have you you ever considered you may come off and appear VERY *Self-righteous *along with this God fearing attitude you carry - to the point of pushing others away, damaging relationships with this ever present God Fearing "PRIDE"? 

You appear to be very scripturally VOW CENTERED indeed, but without LOVE, what is this worth? 

Not saying you do not have it or show it, but I could not gleem it from your posts - 
I failed to see ONE sentence spoken about the DEEP LOVE /connection you & your wife once shared, what you desperately miss, your story comes off "cold" to me, scripturally judgemental -is this the only way you can make sense of it -blame it on Satan, or demean her for her weakness's. NO inner reflection on YOUR PART in this spiraling breakdown-that was in the making for years ? Your hand played zero Part, only some early Pornography issues that you have overcome? 

You sound much more concerned about "the Glory Of God " - what others THINK and GoD's Holy Judgement than anyone's feelings , or human pain & loss of hearfelt love. 

*Have YOU lost the PASSION (not in a religious sense-but the Romantic human sense) for her somewhere down the road, what truly happend here ? * 


I am not trying to get on you (although it may appear so!), but sometimes we need to look DEEP within ourselves, judge where WE went wrong ALSO, what is that Jesus spoke about throwing the 1st stone. Your wife is not innocent, can you honestly boast you are ? 

Many will not agree with me, but saving this marraige has little to do with what GOD does, it has everything to do with what YOU DO for starters ...... your caring & commitment to understanding human nature , the NEEDS of others & why they might do (even fall ) as they do, and humility before her for your own shortcomings in this marraige. Show her THIS very human side of YOU and maybe, just maybe, you will be able to boast of that "new beginning".


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## marksaysay

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is what I am missing from your story MarkSaySay. *Humility* . I have read everything you have shared here: It appears from your story :
> 
> * Your wife is in need of a Spiritual awakening - but you are fine, you love unconditionally.
> 
> * She has strayed from God and has made herself vulnerable to Satan while you have remained steadfast, honorable, and vow -keeping.
> 
> * She has a heart of stone, Only God can Unharden her heart, HATES divorce , and she is vindictive,
> 
> * Only selfishness flows from her mouth
> 
> * You speak of her coming back to you to BENEFIT your marraige and the MINISTRY.
> 
> * Her family appears to be on HER side -feeling she has had "enough" , amazingly you did not say they were also inflenced by Satan and his Wiles.
> 
> * She took out a Protectioin Order against you.
> 
> * She told you she has been planning to leave you for years.
> 
> I do believe one thing: YOU ARE VERY GOD FEARING. Have you you ever considered you may come off and appear VERY *Self-righteous *along with this God fearing attitude you carry - to the point of pushing others away, damaging relationships with this ever present God Fearing "PRIDE"?
> 
> You appear to be very scripturally VOW CENTERED indeed, but without LOVE, what is this worth?
> 
> Not saying you do not have it or show it, but I could not gleem it from your posts -
> I failed to see ONE sentence spoken about the DEEP LOVE /connection you & your wife once shared, what you desperately miss, your story comes off "cold" to me, scripturally judgemental -is this the only way you can make sense of it -blame it on Satan, or demean her for her weakness's. NO inner reflection on YOUR PART in this spiraling breakdown-that was in the making for years ? Your hand played zero Part, only some early Pornography issues that you have overcome?
> 
> You sound much more concerned about "the Glory Of God " - what others THINK and GoD's Holy Judgement than anyone's feelings , or human pain & loss of hearfelt love.
> 
> *Have YOU lost the PASSION (not in a religious sense-but the Romantic human sense) for her somewhere down the road, what truly happend here ? *
> 
> 
> I am not trying to get on you (although it may appear so!), but sometimes we need to look DEEP within ourselves, judge where WE went wrong ALSO, what is that Jesus spoke about throwing the 1st stone. Your wife is not innocent, can you honestly boast you are ?
> 
> Many will not agree with me, but saving this marraige has little to do with what GOD does, it has everything to do with what YOU DO... your caring & commitment to understanding
> of human nature , the NEEDS of others & why they might do (even fall ) as they do, and humility before her for your own shortcomings in this marraige. Show her THIS very human side of YOU and maybe, just maybe, you will be able to boast of that "new beginning".


I appreciate your take on the situation but you have to read my other thread 'could someone please explain this fog' to get the whole story. Understand that I am not placing all the blame on her. I'm fully aware of what role I played in this. During this time, I have taken the Love buster questionare to understand where I've fell short. I've have read tons of books and articles on relationships that have shown me many things I can do to correct my errors. I have done so much introspecting it's unreal. So no, I'm not blaming her for all of our issues, just half of it but she refuses to address her part, many of which she has mentioned before that she has but fails to address. I am far from prideful and have done nothing but accept my responsibility in this "mess". 

Also there are some parts of her family dynamic that you must understand. Her fathers side of the family is full of infidelity and unfaithfulness so when I exposed her actions, her father actually said 'how did you find out?'. Her mother's side of the family is not for what she's doing, they just choose not to say anything about it. Her and her mother have had areally bad relationship as a whole and I feel her siding with my wife and not saying anything, although she knows, is her way of trying to be there for her to mend there relationship. I may be wrong but I really don't think I am. 

And to answer your other question, no, I have not lost my deep live for my wife. Why else would you explain my willingness to fight for her inspire of all the things she's done. Yes, there is the commitment to God, but I live her DEEPLY, more than you can even imagine. She is a part of me. I miss hearing that funny giggle she has. I miss the little jokes she used to make, no matter how corny. I miss the conversations about where we used to be, where are, and where we were going together. Yes, I miss HER. I miss how we used to spend time playing games. I miss being able to show her how much I love her. I'm aware that I may not have done it as much as she wanted or maybe in the wrong Love Language, a book I'm reading now, but I did some awesome things for her and have more ideas but I just need the chance. 

And yes, i do blame Satan since the bible says God hates divorce. And no, I have not been walking around throwing scriptures at her in order to manipulate her but I believe them and I try my best to live by them. I know I've fallen short often but I get back up. I don't look down on her or pass judgment, I just know that wrong is wrong. Speaking out against wrong is not passing judgment. I will continue to be prayerful and seek whatever Gods will is for our marriage and our family. 

Also, as a believer, our motivation should always be to glorify God. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

I tried to read some of your other thread WOW, very very very long !! I skimmed. Sounds like she hid alot from you, and eventually fell into a one night affair visiting a friend 2 hrs away, then after that, desiring more & more of other men? Is this the correct picture? 

And before this, you hurt her by using pornography, you have been in counseling. If anything, having that in your past should help you be MORE understanding of others & their failings & sins even. You didnt sound like it originally in THIS thread, but the others seemed much less religious/critical in nature. 

I take it your wife is in MID LIFE? 

If so, I think many women just about loose their minds during this phase of life, we realize this is it - now or never !! We have this insane desire to RE LIVE our past, our youth, whatever we wanted to experience but maybe was too afraid too, or felt too guilty too -even ! 

Some loose their religion, some gain religion, some get Hyper sexual, some want to go to College, get into Politics. Some get into gardening & health , some want to go bungy jumping, climb a mountain ! It is a crazy super sensitive time of wanting to get WILD for the 1st time in our lives. And it can reak havoc on marraiges. Here is a thread by Southbound -similar situation , he can not make sense of why his wife did this to him ......much talk about women in mid life crisis's on these pages. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/20125-just-dont-understand.html



If your wife has been the dutiful super spiritual picture perfect Pastors's wife & mother for all of these years, being on display for all to view & look up too, I would think this would be a TREMENDOUS amount of PRESSURE. Maybe it came to a boiling point. I surely wouldn't want it ! SHe probably had to hide much of what she was to almost everyone lest she would be judged or corrected by scripture. 

What was bubbling under the surface of that I could not even begin to fathom. Living up to others expectations, that is never an easy road, then we start thinking we are BAD because we feel differently, maybe question some things , think wrongly, have sinful desires, fantasies, then are constantly told we are sinful, deserving of hell week after week sitting in a Church pew. I find this hard on the soul personally -not refreshing, but this is coming from someone who has "lost" their religiousness and I am happy to be where I am NOW.


Obviously, somewhere somehow she was not getting something she "felt" she NEEDED. Whether it be from you, from God ? What do you think? 

Whether you are Christian or not makes no difference here, Resentment takes the same form in marraige, if she let something undisclosed fester in her. Maybe she didn't want to be a pastors wife -being so on display. Just a thought, I've heard it before reading others stories on here. 

It sounds as though she never got over your Porn addiction, so unforgiveness & not trying to understand on her side also. What damage it does. My husband likes a little porn, now we enjoy it together, this openness we share has only spiced up the passion & sex life for us !! too bad the 2 of you could not have explored in this way, it could have given her a little fantasy and kept it all "at home". (But I know what I am saying to you- you will reject). 

I am sorry for your pain & loss. I hope God will give you wisdom on how to deal with it all. Mid Life is a crazy time. Not easy for her either I am sure. No matter how it looks from the outside. I am sure she is in pain also. 

I wish you well.


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## cb45

hmm... a lot one could say here but:

i'll quote something u need to consider Mark.

better yet, i'll list it. u look it up in whatever version u have.

Jeremiah 17: 5-7

something to consider. but best to get some real believing
folk to AGREE with u in yer "holding out" phase of petitioning
prayer right now. dont get neg/angry/evil as she is, as u 
know that'll only make things worse. but dont come off like a
wuss either, as she'll dispise you all the more.

shalom........


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## marksaysay

cb45 said:


> hmm... a lot one could say here but:
> 
> i'll quote something u need to consider Mark.
> 
> better yet, i'll list it. u look it up in whatever version u have.
> 
> Jeremiah 17: 5-7
> 
> something to consider. but best to get some real believing
> folk to AGREE with u in yer "holding out" phase of petitioning
> prayer right now. dont get neg/angry/evil as she is, as u
> know that'll only make things worse. but dont come off like a
> wuss either, as she'll dispise you all the more.
> 
> shalom........


Thanks for the scripture. I'm fully aware of the consequences of the one who strays from God. There are more like this one in Jeremiah. The funny thing is, with all that she's done, my prayer is that God will be merciful towards her but I know he'll have to get her attention somehow. 

Also, with the protective order thing, I'm praying that the judge will see it for what it really is, a woman basically being vindictive, and in essence, throwing a tantrum because she can't have her way, an uncontested, easy divorce. She wants me to not contact her but she can call me. She can come by my apartment. She even gets mad when I don't answer her calls. She even invited me to Xmas although I declined. The funny part is on her PO, she requested that judge make me give her my car and that I be ordered to pay child support. That's funny. She's the one who has sent profanity laced texts. She's the one that has thrown water in my face. She's the one that tried to hit me. She's the one who threatened to damage my car. She's the one who has shown all the aggression but she says I scare her. All of this has just rolled off my back and I've remained cool, calm, and collective through it all. I WILL NOT repay evil for evil. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

Update...God is awesome. I don't know what he's doing but he's doing something. Showed up for restraining order hearing and it had to be rescheduled due to her relationship with the judge. He was her professor when she was in college. Since he was also to hear our divorce case, it also has to be rescheduled. It just seems like God is letting her know that, in spite of her plans, he has something else in mind. Needless to say, she wasn't happy about it. I will continue to pray that Gods will be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

Well, today we had our provisional hearing. It pretty much went as expected. Child support, visitation, etc. It was a little disheartening to know that we are one step closer to no longer being husband and wife. I was ordered to take the mandatory parenting class I've been putting off. I know that as long as God is involved, nothing is impossible but He'll be the only one who can pull us back together. I didn't tell her I knew about her leaving church when she found out I wasn't there. She asked our pastor and he told her I and our daughter went to another church. I believe she left to go find out where I was because she already knew our daughter was with me. I will continue to pray but I know Gods will is going to be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

I'm faced with a very difficult situation both temporarily and permanently. My wife/stbxw has threatened to leave the church we both attend because she can't stand to be around me but she has not done so. I'm still fighting for my marriage even though it really involves nothing more than dong what's right and waiting on God. My delimna is this: while I wait, how do I not hurt so bad having to see her week after week? Understand that I've contemplated leaving the church but have felt compelled to stay because of my ministry in addition to being the church musician. If we do eventually divorce, how can I remain there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mentallydrained

> If we do eventually divorce, how can I remain there?


Curious, are you asking this question on assumption if you divorce and she is still there, you emotionally will not be able to handle this?

Forgive me if I sound harsh, mean or rude, I don't mean to, but I'm confused to why if you are a man of strong faith, ministry, etc., would you even think of leaving your church of many years? Isn't the purpose of why you are and have been there for so long due to your faith, ministry, and committment to the Church, people, relgion etc.? To maintain your faith, strength and trust in God? That he will guide you? Speak to you? Not forsake you? He doesn't give us anything we cannot handle, correct? Aren't Christians suppose to love there enemies? Wouldn't this include your wife? 

I attended church with my H yesterday and the preacher spoke on love being an action...not a feeling. That Christians should love others regardless, by their actions. If that is so, and by you leaving, I do not see how that show's love. 

I understand what you are saying in how difficult it is for you with her still attending. But, maybe there IS still something there that touches her. Should she truly walk out of a church she too knows and has attended for long period of time because of you? And visa versa? You may think and feel she is/has lost her religion or spirituality by her actions. Fact is, only she knows truly where she stands and what her beliefs are still with God. Maybe she does want to leave and voices that, yet, come Sunday morning, or what ever day/evening you attend, something speaks to her heart, tells her to go. Yes, it might be to spite you at this time, as well. But, while there if to just spite you, she is still hearing a message which may be affecting her. Isn't that what you want? For her to come back spiritually?

If you are truly concerned with her straying spiritually, I would try to look at the aspect of her still attending as a postitive for her and her faith and not focus on how it makes you feel. The church should not be a battle ground for your marriage. Find your strength, your inner faith, and continue doing what you have always done by attending this church.


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## marksaysay

EW, understand that I've never stopped loving my wife in spite of what she's done. I guess I'm the poster child for unconditional love. It's this love that still remains that causes such inner turmoil. Know also that what I've explained here is just a tidbit of all the other issues and struggles that I face at this time. 

Yes, I know about faith, and Gods strength, and Gods purposes in the face of adversity, and Gods never ending presence. I know and believe it all but that doesn't mean that I don't hurt. I do extremely well until Sunday when I have to see her. And she always seems to have a reason to come up to me and say something to me, even when I try to avoid her. I understand that he never puts more on us than we can bear, but don't we often put ourselves voluntarily in situations that cause us pain? I have endured a great bit throughout all of this and I'm sure I haven't seen the end of it just yet, but how do you just turn off the love to stop the hurt? I almost feel like God doesn't want me or her to leave because he's not done with us being husband and wife and that at some point he will intervene. I just don't know. I do know that I still love her but unrequited love, especially when it is constantly in your face, hurts like hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug

It is hard. I had things much worse than that. I had a business with my estranged husband, so I had to see him EVERY day--for two years. And I honestly had to ask God to give me strength to get through each day. You just have to separate these people who have done us so wrong from where we are. Sometimes it is simply about being the "bigger" person. The issues of forgiveness and bitterness also come into play. I wouldn't be the one to leave though.


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## bluesky

I don't believe that God is pulling all the strings in your life.....it appears you do.

If he is (which I seriously hope u don't believe), he will do whatever the hell he wants, whether it benefits anyone or not.

This is the way he works.

You could stay together and die in a car crash, or get divorced and be much happier (or die a slow, painful death).

Don't get God, whoever he is, mixed up in all your ****.

Your long term porn addiction had a greater impact on your relationship than Satan did.

Oops....sorry....Satan was making you spank too. 



Update...God is awesome. I don't know what he's doing but he's doing something. Showed up for restraining order hearing and it had to be rescheduled due to her relationship with the judge. He was her professor when she was in college. Since he was also to hear our divorce case, it also has to be rescheduled. It just seems like God is letting her know that, in spite of her plans, he has something else in mind. Needless to say, she wasn't happy about it. I will continue to pray that Gods will be done.


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## marksaysay

bluesky said:


> I don't believe that God is pulling all the strings in your life.....it appears you do.
> 
> If he is (which I seriously hope u don't believe), he will do whatever the hell he wants, whether it benefits anyone or not.
> 
> This is the way he works.
> 
> You could stay together and die in a car crash, or get divorced and be much happier (or die a slow, painful death).
> 
> Don't get God, whoever he is, mixed up in all your ****.
> 
> Your long term porn addiction had a greater impact on your relationship than Satan did.
> 
> Oops....sorry....Satan was making you spank too.
> 
> 
> 
> Update...God is awesome. I don't know what he's doing but he's doing something. Showed up for restraining order hearing and it had to be rescheduled due to her relationship with the judge. He was her professor when she was in college. Since he was also to hear our divorce case, it also has to be rescheduled. It just seems like God is letting her know that, in spite of her plans, he has something else in mind. Needless to say, she wasn't happy about it. I will continue to pray that Gods will be done.


No comment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45

to folks like BSky:

funny when unbelieveing folks wanna give advice on God and
what he is or isnt thinking/doing/etc.

they dont even realize how they disqualify themselves with
statements like "whoever he is.."

'nuff said.

shabat shalom to "HIS"........unrest/chaos to "others"...as God 
deems fit/so. (and it is so, see Psalms-Proverbs)ray:


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## bluesky

funny when unbelieveing folks wanna give advice on God and
what he is or isnt thinking/doing/etc.
they dont even realize how they disqualify themselves with
statements like "whoever he is.."

I'm NOT giving advise on GOD.
This man said GOD is AWESOME because GOD let him get caught.

That is so twisted.....

Basically, then SATAN become the scapegoat.

Hell, if I blamed my alcoholism on SATAN, I would NEVER have gotten sober.


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## 827Aug

bluesky said:


> I don't believe that God is pulling all the strings in your life.....it appears you do.
> 
> If he is (which I seriously hope u don't believe), he will do whatever the hell he wants, whether it benefits anyone or not.
> 
> This is the way he works.
> 
> You could stay together and die in a car crash, or get divorced and be much happier (or die a slow, painful death).
> 
> Don't get God, whoever he is, mixed up in all your ****.
> 
> Your long term porn addiction had a greater impact on your relationship than Satan did.
> 
> Oops....sorry....Satan was making you spank too.
> 
> 
> 
> Update...God is awesome. I don't know what he's doing but he's doing something. Showed up for restraining order hearing and it had to be rescheduled due to her relationship with the judge. He was her professor when she was in college. Since he was also to hear our divorce case, it also has to be rescheduled. It just seems like God is letting her know that, in spite of her plans, he has something else in mind. Needless to say, she wasn't happy about it. I will continue to pray that Gods will be done.


I fail to see anything constructive coming from posts like this. It is also disrespectful--something which will get you banned on this forum.


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## bluesky

If you fail to see anything constructive, then you you are in alignment with "the devil made me do it mentality".


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## Amplexor




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## marksaysay

Yes, God is still awesome. Not because He allowed me to get caught but simply because He is God. God is diligently working on me and I believe Romans 8:28 which says "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that called according to his purpose". I have and still deal with a number of issues relating to my current situation and have had many bad days. I struggle in so many different areas, but the fact is that I made it through each of those days. I don't know what lies ahead, but I will say that I can't wait for the day when I will look back and see how much I've grown. I do continually pray for my wife's well being. I pray for God to show her mercy in whatever he chooses to deal with her. God has a plan and a purpose. That is the only thing that continues to give me any consolation in the midst of my storm. All of you who believe in the power of prayer, please say a prayer for me. God bless.


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## marksaysay

Mike, you really need to read my other thread titled "could someone please explain this fog" and you will get a better picture. I'm not a control freak or overly domineering. I will say that I do have a backbone and that I have not allowed her to just have her way all the time. She has openly admitted to being a control freak on several occasions and it drives her crazy when things don't go her way. I'm not saying that i've told her what to wear, where to go, what friends she can or can't have, or any of that stuff but I am a Christian man who believes that a man is the head of the house. Don't take this as any denial of wrongdoing or anything but i don't believe I'm as bad as she is making things. 

As a matter of fact, a close friend of the family's, who has experience with divorce, talked to me last night about things not adding up. Wife has told everyone she's been unhappy for years, but this female friend doesn't buy it. She believes as i do that spiritually she is in a place that has caused this. She has witnessed on a number of occasions my wife displaying the exact opposite of what she's been telling everyone. She says, as have a couple of other women close to us, that she is not acting like someone who is "done" as she has stated. The friend last night couldn't understand how my wife had just months ago sought her opinion on our next house purchase. She couldn't understand how my wife had been talking to her about our plans for our next child just a month before all this started. She can't understand why she sent me birthday wishes. She can't understand why she goes out of her way to approach me when we are church, even when i try to avoid her. She says it would seem that her head and her heart are not in agreement. These things in her opinion just don't add up. I would agree but what do i know.


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## marksaysay

Okay, I've been having a tough time since last night. I was asked to contact my wife regarding her position on our bowling team to see if she would return and to explain her obligations if she was not going to return. She informed me that she would be returning next week which surprised me but also added a lot of negative emotions. Here I am struggling to try and move on, to try and get over her, to try to stop hurting, to try and stop loving her. I'm struggling with seeing her at church weekly and now I have to see her her twice a week. How can I move on with the constant reminder in my face? How can I get over her when she is always there? How can I move on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

No you can't.
Listen to your heart. The idea of moving on won't give you any peace.
If you don't feel peaceful and loved, it's not from God.
God might want you to continue loving your wife as a close friend?


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## SimplyAmorous

marksaysay said:


> Okay, I've been having a tough time since last night. I was asked to contact my wife regarding her position on our bowling team to see if she would return and to explain her obligations if she was not going to return. She informed me that she would be returning next week which surprised me but also added a lot of negative emotions. Here I am struggling to try and move on, to try and get over her, to try to stop hurting, to try and stop loving her. I'm struggling with seeing her at church weekly and now I have to see her her twice a week. How can I move on with the constant reminder in my face? How can I get over her when she is always there? How can I move on?


 Mark, Your very strong insistence/belief that God is going to turn this around, that she is coming back to you, as many of your posts seem to say, is ONE reason this is so hard for you and will continue to be so. Proverbs 13:12 talks about HOPE being deferred -it makes the heart sick. 

You need to 1st let this go , LET HER GO & GREIVE this loss like any other loss. There are steps involved. It will take time. But stand firm, hold your head up high-even in her presence admist your hurt, it WILL get easier in time. Keep friends close, meet some new peolple, even women! 

I thought I would do a search for an book that might just Speak to your heart & help you deal with this, I found this , the reviews are outstanding & many. Amazon.com: How to Survive the Loss of a Love (9780931580437): Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove: Books 

So many good books on this subject that could help you get through this most difficult time: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=pd_sim_b_1


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## marksaysay

Simply, thanks for the book referral as well as the scripture reference. I may have been somewhat wrong in my earlier statement in that Im not sure if I'm really trying to move on as much as I want to stop hurting. I'm just not so sure that it is in Gods will for our marriage to remain in tact. I've recognized that my wife said that being with me caused her to compromise who she was. That compromise was leaving the worldly lifestyle for one that was pleasing to God. Since she left, all she's been doing is partying and drinking and so forth. I can't say that I apologize for doing what's right. I do still believe there is a great spiritual battle now taking place in my wifes life as well as my own. What I think, and I stress think, is that God may really have to allow her to 'get her way' in order for Him to get her to a point where she recognizes Him. Unfortunately, getting her way involves getting me out of the way. The fact that she has free will means that she can choose to do what she wants regardless of who believes it to be a good choice or not. 

While I do believe she will one day come to realize that leaving me was a bad choice, it is a choice that will at some point get her to realize how our marriage failure wasn't all my fault. It is a choice that will eventually teach her that 'worldly living' isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I think she'll realize that she really had in me much more than she thought. Am I saying I haven't done anything to contribute to where we are? No! Am I saying that I demanded a wife who had to love God with the same intensity as me? No! I think that is very unrealistic. I didnt tell her to stop drinking because while with me she didn't do it very much. I did ask that she be conscious of the environments where she drank. 

I said all of this because I guess I'm somewhat confused about whats really going on with me. I hurt because of the 'deferred hope' and I so want to stop hurting. Im pretty sure that I hide my hurt well as the people who now know said that had no idea by my appearance. But when I tell others about my hurt in order to just let it out, they all tell me to move on. It is definately easier said then done. I don't really feel other can accurately understand my situation since all are different, even though they may seem similar. Everyone doesnt handle things the same. Everyone may not have the same stance on marriage as I do. Everyone may not have the same unconditional love that I have. Everyone may not find it difficult to be in the presence of the one who is not returning that love. I find it quite difficult and now with another chance every week for her to be 'in my face', I need to do something and decide if I'm really still fighting and hoping or if I'm really giving up. Either is not easy. Giving up, I'm not sure will cause me to hurt any less twice a week when she's around but maybe it will. I'll be praying diligently for direction. Please say a prayer for me....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

I can feel your pain. You're confused with your new identity. At this moment, I observed that you're trying hard to change your indentity from a loving husband to a stranger.
The distance is too wide and it's hard for you to reach. She was your wife, so she can't become like a person whom you never meet and whom you have no feelings for.
When she's near you, you can still show your love and concern as a family of hers.
Or a true friend of hers. Give yourself a new identity. You worried so much about her because you are still taking the responsibilites as her husband, so you pushed yourself to worry about her as a husband would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

Guys, I want to know your opinion. This evening I created a profile on the same website that my wife has been on for months with a major difference. I listed myself as married but seperated and not looking for a relationship or to date, just looking for some conversation from time to time. My wife on the other hand lists herself as being single, looking to casually date with the possibility of something more. I was totally upfront and truthful about my situtation while she wasn't. The interesting thing is my wife was one of the first people to view my profile. What do you guys think? Am I wrong for doing this?


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## 827Aug

Honestly Mark, I think you should have selected a different site. I really think the two of you need to separate fully. As long as the two of you keep "bumping into each other" it's like putting salt into an open wound. Allow some healing first.

Also, what is your state's rules on adultery? If there are laws on the books, I wouldn't be giving her ammunition.


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## marksaysay

827Aug said:


> Honestly Mark, I think you should have selected a different site. I really think the two of you need to separate fully. As long as the two of you keep "bumping into each other" it's like putting salt into an open wound. Allow some healing first.
> 
> Also, what is your state's rules on adultery? If there are laws on the books, I wouldn't be giving her ammunition.


I understand your point and I must say that something happened today that may, and I stress may, have got me moving in a more positive direction. I called my wife today to talk with her about some of the financial details of the divorce and nothing more. She breaks out on a tangent and starts talking about me bothering her and how she just wants me to leave her alone. I mentioned nothing about reconciliation. I said nothing in regards to loving her. I said nothing about memories or marriage, just divorce details. She started on a whole different subject and it seemed to trigger some very different emotions than i had experienced just hours before. I started to feel as if I really didn't deserve that type of treatment as I had done nothing but be nice to her even when she would yell and such. I never raised my voice at all. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I've really had enough of her mess. 

I really didn't do it to spite her. I did it because I just wanted something to do that would get my mind off of all the other things i'm struggling with right now, i.e. finances, not seeing my daughter as much as I would like, car problems. I did say that i'm not looking for any dates or relationships, just honest conversation. I did say that I'm married but seperated. I almost seem indifferent to whether or not she knows because she doesn't love me nor does she want to be with me anymore and she's made that very clear. Why can't i start to move on?


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## SimplyAmorous

marksaysay said:


> I really didn't do it to spite her. I did it because I just wanted something to do that would get my mind off of all the other things i'm struggling with right now, i.e. finances, not seeing my daughter as much as I would like, car problems. I did say that i'm not looking for any dates or relationships, just honest conversation. I did say that I'm married but seperated. I almost seem indifferent to whether or not she knows because she doesn't love me nor does she want to be with me anymore and she's made that very clear. Why can't i start to move on?


Mark: In my opionion, I think this is a good thing , and wonderful news that it helped lift your spirits. Not sure what site you made a profile on but I feel it is something that may help you, get your mind off some of this recurring pain in your heart, make some new connections, just talking with others can do wonders, having someone to listen. 

Wording it the way you did in your profile seems very *honorable* to me. I am sure you are a man who knows his boundaries & will abide by them. 

I know little about 827Aug's questions , I suppose these things should be a concern though with an upcoming divorce on the horizon. Given the way you worded your profile, I can't possibly see how this can come back to bite you. 


I don't feel it is a bad thing that you are on the same Profile site as her at all, I feel this is a ++. Now she is seeing up close & personal that YOU are indeed taking steps to move on, that you are no longer pining over her. IF there is any chance of reconciliation, her SEEING you moving on (possibly with another in time) -will bring it to the surface. 

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, you have listed the TRUTH in your profile, VERY interesting that she is one of the 1st to view it !! I think I would be smiling over that one, it is very telling. It gives you a little heads up on something --obviously she has not moved on with another man to be checking out all the new ones so very quickly.


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## marksaysay

Well, I will say it has been nice to actually talk to some other women on the website even though my stated intent is strictly for simple conversation. I've found out that most of them don't want simple conversation so my options are definitely limited, but that's okay. I think I am gonna have to block one individual I've chatted with because she seems to be very aggressive and too needy...LOL. I'm not ready for that. I will say that my wife's behavior has changed somewhat. At church on Sunday, I was asked to sing a solo and during it, I was told that just about the whole church was up on their feet singing and worshipping with me, except my wife (I couldn't see because my back was to crowd while I played piano and sang). When I dropped off some items to her on yesterday, the demeanor that tended to portray "I'm moving on with my life and loving it" was replaced with a more subdued demeanor. She hasn't been on the site much, either (since she viewed my profile, when I check out who else has viewed, it shows her and very few times has it said 'online now'). I have actually enjoyed the few conversations I've had so far. I was also invited to Valentine's party put on every year by the family of one of my co-workers so I think I'll get out for a bit on Saturday. 

To clear things up a bit, I will be attending the mandatory parenting class on the 17th to probably soon be followed by the final hearing. This gives you guys a little more info about where things are. No, I do not want the divorce but what can I do. I've fought for 3 months and still hope for a change but only God can do that at this point. So I guess I'm moving on. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45

Hmmm....guess i'm in 827's camp moreso than other Posters here.

haven't read all u've said here Mark but get the gist of what u r 
thinking/doing as there is a somewhat repetitive "vibe"/thread u put out with each posting.

i'll begin with the cliche "you're a big boy now Mark..& you're gonna do whatever u wanna do..." and may end that way to as well, dunno.

1.You aregoing to same website as her to: watch/monitor/stalk(c'mon lets be honest man, u can excuse yer life away, say it out loud "i am stalking my estranged").
2.You are posting there to make her jealous and realize you are
moving on w/out her, and are quite capable w/out her of having
yer own flings/relationships/etc; i.e., punishment.
3. You are still hoping/holding on/praying for some miracle to get
yer estranged back into yer arms again and things return to 
what they were before (somewhat, minus some scar-tissue), or
hopefully better than before (with God, anythings possible thats
4sure).

Heres the main problem i see/read, with you and other "victims" that post here at TAM re: this issue of divorce, estrangement, or just plain movin' on.
That is to say, *your focus *is STILL (entirely? partially?) FAR TOO MUCH on yer estranged; what she thinks, what she did
or didn't do, etc.

Questions u must ask yerself is, "where am i really at?"
"what do i really really believe, or really want?" "am i being 
honest with myself, or in some cloud of my own?" "am i being
*manipulative* here, for my our gain, her gain, or my own?"

You don't have to agree with me. Heck, you don't have to even
come clean/fess up/argue here. But methinks u need to do so with yourself and with God, whom already has *the answer*(neatly pkg'd/wrapped for us all).

You seem mature enough to realize there's no criticism or condemnation coming from me here, just observation(s).

shalom.........is available.........to us all..............ray:


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## marksaysay

Cb, I can admit that I really appreciate your post. It has really caused me to think and I can honestly say that I would agree with 2 & 3 but not really 1. Maybe some of my motive was to show her that I can move on. Maybe some of my motive was to have some affect on her to bring her back to me. Maybe I haven't fully let go. I can also honestly say that Im not trying to monitor her, either. My time is 100% spent either in some harmless chat with someone to occupy my time or I'm searching for someone I can chat with, sending out feelers. I've only been on the site for 4 days, including today, so her picture still pops up when I go to see who else has viewed my page, checking those who may have some interest, checking to see who that I've contacted is online. Once she cycles off that page, I really could care less. I'm actually enjoying the adult stimulation. 

You said I need to be honest with myself and figure out what I really want. What I really want is for all this to be over. What I really want is to keep my family in tact. I am fully aware that that is probably not going to be reality. Since this is probably really the end of our marriage, I really want to move on. I really want to distance myself from her other than contact for our child but I can't do that because we still go to same church. She has returned to our bowling team. This really makes it difficult for me to just have the real time necessary to let my heart heal when it seems this weekly contact reopens the wound. I still do love her but I really do want to move on. Really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aalina387

*How to get a girl to like you*

i will pray continuously for you and your family.may god help you.


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## marksaysay

Well guys. I haven't been here for a while so i decided to give you all an update. We are now less than 2 weeks away from the final hearing and i'm doing better but not great. I don't believe in divorce. The bible doesn't condone divorce but here i stand. One thing I do know is that whatever God wants to happen will happen. 

So where are things with my wife and I? Things are still horrible. She gets mad and brings up all type of things without my prompting. I tried to talk to her about some of the legistics and she switched to something else talking about how she doesn't want to be with me, etc. I know that she is already dating although she hasn't admitted it (a number of people have seen her and have even told our pastor). She is so mad about me confronting her and exposing her stating that i invaded her privacy. She said stating that she was done meant that I had no right to know what she was doing even though we were still married. She will not accept any responsibility for anything. It was my fault she stopped coming to church because i was there even though we don't sit close to one another, but it's ok for her to be a couple feet away from me on our bowling team. She blames everything on me. She says that it is not important to go to church every week. (When we met, even when I didn't go, she still went. I've never seen her like this in 11 years which only convinces me more of her being in a backslidden condition). It is still difficult to go through but throughout all of this I will say that I've never studied God's Word or prayed so much. She seems to be in control of things. She texts me frequently about our daughter and always has sometype of tag at the end like "Making Major Moves" or "On the Brink of Greatness" or "Rewriting My History" and they all are followed by "<3" (less than three meaning no longer Me, her, and daughter). I don't know but it somehow just seems like her desire to take control of everything will not end up the way she wants it, but that's my opinion. She wrote me a 4 1/2 page letter 2 weeks ago telling me why she can no longer be my wife but has stated that she has not and will not read my rebuttle. She is makes all kinds of accusations and will not even let me answer. She even said I tried to control her when i said it wasn't necessary for her to write about all of my wrongs because most, if not all of them, I was already aware of. She said I was trying to control how she wrote a letter. WOW! She said I was trying to bully her when I exposed her, but I simply asked for her mom and our pastor to ask her to stop her activities. I never told them to tell her to come back to me. 

I will tell you all that in all of this, I've learned so much about myself and why I had deficiencies in so many areas. My aunt and I actually discussed what seems to be a trend in our family due to the lack of emotional support and affection in our family. She seems to think of it as a generational curse. All but 2 couples in my immediate maternal family have not divorced, my brother (3 years) and my uncle (about 30 years). My grandfather, mother, aunt, 2 uncles, 1 brother, 2 1st cousins have all divorced. One of my motivations (obviously not the main one) has been to break this curse and take a stand against divorce. I so badly want to break the cycle and teach my daughter something different. Oddly enough, my wife's family is the same way. I only know of 2, her aunt and uncle, who are not divorce. With her family being predominantly women, that makes for a lot of single women. Maybe there's a reason they are all divorced. 

I've learned about what a successful marriage is and about vulnerability and transparency. I've learned about marriage and relationships from biblical and non-biblical sources. But I've also learned much about her and why she is the way she is. Much like me, she has some childhood issues that have not been addressed (a controlling mother, verbal and physical abuse) and will continue to have some of her same issues until they are addressed. I would love to be there for her to help her tackle these but I know I may not get the chance. I obviously don't agree with her choice to end our marriage, but I understand her maybe even more than she understands herself. It seems that much that I've learned will seem to only benefit my next relationship, they are still valuable lesson learned. It's just so funny that I read a quote the other day saying, "More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." I've really gotten to the point where I will never experience the hurt of losing someone I love and have changed and will continue to make changes. I WILL NEVER, EVER make these mistakes again. The hard thing right now is convincing her. My next wife will owe her a lot since she decided to walk away from such a "great husband". LOL

I still can't stand the thought of her being with someone else. It's still hard hearing people tell me about the things they've seen her doing. It's hard knowing that she doesn't seem to be struggling at all and I'm having difficulty just paying my bills and keeping food in the fridge. I'm now trying to get back into my house. She moved out a month and a half after I'd signed a 6 month apartment lease because she was upset that she'd been discovered, leaving me to suffer the financial backlash because I'm the only one on the mortgage. She also signed a 6 month lease. The house is empty now and at the beginning of the forclosure process but i'm working now to stop it. I don't know how but I believe God will make a way. 

Nonetheless, I still pray for us daily knowing that God can do anything. No, he doesn't change a person's will, but he can change a person's heart, the seat of the will. Will it happen? I don't know. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Keep me in your prayers.


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## 827Aug

Thanks for updating us. I wish things were better for you though. I will continue to pray.

How far along are you on the foreclosure? Be sure to check into programs in place in your state. Also, don't rule out bankruptcy as a means of saving your house. Hope you can get some legal counsel on this.

Hang in there and keep your faith.


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## Blanca

marksaysay said:


> I would love to be there for her to help her tackle these but I know I may not get the chance.


I think without knowing it you are been there helping her, just not the way you think. I think you two had a daddy-daughter set up and she's simply rebelling. she used you to play out her past. You do sound controlling, albeit unintentionally. You sound like a lecturing father figure and she's simply rebelling against you- or her mother. its the same thing. 

You have been there for her. she'll learn, like you said, that this lifestyle wont bring her happiness. she'll find a happy medium some day. it may or may not be with you but either way you will have helped her find happiness and heal from her past.


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## marksaysay

I don't really have a reason to let go of my faith. It's pretty much all I have right now. God knows that you can never really depend on those you hope would be there to actually be there. I believe God has a plan for both of us. What I don't know is if it involves us together. I can only hope and live day by day. I wish it would just be as easy for me as it is for her to re-enter the world of dating but it isn't. For one, I'm still married. Two, I still love my wife. Throughout all of this, I've really come to understand whats meant when it the bible teaches how God loves us no matter how bad we mess up. Unconditional love. What a thing when you really understand it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

Blanca said:


> I think without knowing it you are been there helping her, just not the way you think. I think you two had a daddy-daughter set up and she's simply rebelling. she used you to play out her past. You do sound controlling, albeit unintentionally. You sound like a lecturing father figure and she's simply rebelling against you- or her mother. its the same thing.
> 
> You have been there for her. she'll learn, like you said, that this lifestyle wont bring her happiness. she'll find a happy medium some day. it may or may not be with you but either way you will have helped her find happiness and heal from her past.


What is it that makes me sound controlling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anooniemouse

marksaysay said:


> At this point, faith is all i have. When people keep telling me that I need to move on, something down inside of me keeps telling me to hold on. I know there are some on this website that feel that moving on and finding someone else is the best thing for me, but my conviction is based on the fact that I know that God "hates" divorce and that the out clauses, infidelity and desertion, found in the bible were for man because of their hardened hearts, not because it was what God wanted. I see so many ways, where once reconciliation takes place, that this could benefit not only our marriage, but it could also benefit our ministry together as a pro-marriage couple who's relationship was dead but was brought back to life my God. I could see how God could be glorified when this difficult storm is weathered. I could see how God could take this bad situation and turn it into good. Ultimately, he's the one who has to fix this situation because Lord knows i've tried to do all i could. Because of my understanding of God's view of divorce, and with the fact that spouse and I both come from broken homes, one of my motivations is to break the cycle and teach our daughter what it means to be with someone through sickness and health, for richer for poor, for better or for worse, till death do them part.


I don't know how much of a comfort it will be to you; if God truly wants two people together, they will be together. I've seen him do a miracle in my own life, and lift a terrible burden from my heart that was keeping me from being able to properly love, and care for the wonderful gift he gave to me. I felt the hand of the divine in our meeting, and twice he has pulled us back from letting things go too far astray. He had to let me suffer awhile first, and know I was being arrogant not to put God at the center of our relationship. While I thanked him for her every day, I hadn't put him in the lead role. It was only when I got to the point that I knew I couldn't fix it myself, and after months of prayer that he was willing to hear, and intervene. 

I pray that God will help you both to heal, and if its his will, forgive, and reconcile.


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## marksaysay

Anooniemouse said:


> I don't know how much of a comfort it will be to you; if God truly wants two people together, they will be together. I've seen him do a miracle in my own life, and lift a terrible burden from my heart that was keeping me from being able to properly love, and care for the wonderful gift he gave to me. I felt the hand of the divine in our meeting, and twice he has pulled us back from letting things go too far astray. He had to let me suffer awhile first, and know I was being arrogant not to put God at the center of our relationship. While I thanked him for her every day, I hadn't put him in the lead role. It was only when I got to the point that I knew I couldn't fix it myself, and after months of prayer that he was willing to hear, and intervene.
> 
> I pray that God will help you both to heal, and if its his will, forgive, and reconcile.


Right now, I'm fully aware that God's will will be done regardless of what I want. I don't have any control over her. That's Gods job. I don't really cry over this situation anymore but I did cry at church yesterday. The choir sang a song called "Changed" and it helped me to realize just how much he has been working on me throughout the last 5 months. It was this realization that caused me to become emotional. God has definitely allowed this situation in my life to teach me many things and to enable me to become a better witness and comfort others who are experiencing a storm in their life. In Isaiah 40:31, he showed me that it is the storm that allows the eagle to sore and to elevate to another level. 

It would seem that my wife seems to be more like you in that she has wanted to be in control of our relationship instead of allowing God to be the main piece of the equation. I pray daily that God would be merciful to her knowing what the bible says about those who become full of pride and care little about Him or His word. This is extremely evident by her lack of church attendance, by her surrounding herself with ungodly friends, by her not accepting or even wanting Godly advice from those who love and care, etc. She's in Gods hands and that's scary. I will continue to pray for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca

marksaysay said:


> What is it that makes me sound controlling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i have not read all of your posts but these are two of your comments that i came across:



marksaysay said:


> I simply asked for her mom and our pastor to ask her to stop her activities. I never told them to tell her to come back to me.





marksaysay said:


> I didnt tell her to stop drinking because while with me she didn't do it very much. I did ask that she be conscious of the environments where she drank.


It is subtle. It probably seems like no big deal to you at all. But Im sure there is an onslaught of "suggestions" that you've continually dished out. Believe it or not these subtle suggestions and attempts to change her behavior make you controlling. This sort of behavior is reserved for parents not for spouses.


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## WhereAmI

"<3" is not a dig at you. It's a heart. A lot of people use it when texting. 

Obviously not very important in the grand scheme of things, but I thought I'd let you know.


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## marksaysay

Blanca said:


> i have not read all of your posts but these are two of your comments that i came across:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It is subtle. It probably seems like no big deal to you at all. But Im sure there is an onslaught of "suggestions" that you've continually dished out. Believe it or not these subtle suggestions and attempts to change her behavior make you controlling. This sort of behavior is reserved for parents not for spouses.


Biana, I guess I need to put those 2 statements in their proper context. The first about the request to her mom was made after discovering inappropriate and sexual textual/email correspondence with other men. Is it wrong for me to not want my wife doing these things whether together, separated, or in the process of divorce. As a believer, I know any of these types of activities are especially wrong in a marriage. I'm not perfect and I will not pretend to be so. I have made many mistakes and will continue to do so, but I know that any type of relationship with another, whether they are emotional or physical, is inappropriate in a marriage. I was simply pleading with her Christian mother to stand up for what is right and ask her daughter to respect the fact that she was still married.

The 2nd comment about being conscious of where she drank didn't seem to be controlling. It was a simple request for her to respect my position as a minister. It was simply saying that what she did as my wife could not only affect her but me as well. I know some would say that this was a selfish request but I don't believe it was. I was fully aware of not only my obligation to live a life that would give no unbeliever reason to doubt my devotion to God or my commitment to doing right, but also that what I did could negatively affect my wife. I simply was asking her to do the same. I never told her. I simply made a request. I didn't care that she drank. There is no scripture saying it is sinful to drink but to overindulge. 

None of what I said was an attempt to control her but were simply an attempt of a husband doing what I believe I should have done. I will not apologize for asking my wife to do right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca

marksaysay said:


> The first about the request to her mom was made after discovering inappropriate and sexual textual/email correspondence with other men. Is it wrong for me to not want my wife doing these things whether together, separated, or in the process of divorce. As a believer, I know any of these types of activities are especially wrong in a marriage. I'm not perfect and I will not pretend to be so. I have made many mistakes and will continue to do so, but I know that any type of relationship with another, whether they are emotional or physical, is inappropriate in a marriage. I was simply pleading with her Christian mother to stand up for what is right and ask her daughter to respect the fact that she was still married.


I completely agree that her activities are wrong. But contacting her parents, and pastor, to try and convince her of such is very controlling. I know that makes no sense to you. You think all you want is what is best for her. But you're actually using that to justifying being controlling. It would be good for you to read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. 



marksaysay said:


> It was a simple request for her to respect my position as a minister. It was simply saying that what she did as my wife could not only affect her but me as well. I didn't care that she drank. There is no scripture saying it is sinful to drink but to overindulge.


Im sure you made a lot of "requests" that she respect your station. As I've said before, i know your requests sound innocent to you but they dont sound innocent on this side of things. The above sounds incredibly domineering, demeaning, and un-loving. You have an image to uphold and she might damage that image. And now? Your worst fears are coming to life, arent they. Do you actually care about your marriage or is divorce just a major blow to your ministry? How would you look as a divorced minister? That's it, isnt it. I remember when you first came on here you were obsessed with the idea of not divorcing. You'd do anything to keep that from tarnishing your record. 



marksaysay said:


> I will not apologize for asking my wife to do right.


You wouldnt be apologizing for asking her to do what is "right." Youd be apologizing for putting your image before loving her and for attempting to control her. Your resistance to acknowledge this isnt going to effect her. You will find this problem keeps surfacing, whether with her or a new girl. Apologizing to her isnt going to change her at all, she's already in the process of braking free of you. Apologizing will help you.


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## marksaysay

Blanca said:


> I completely agree that her activities are wrong. But contacting her parents, and pastor, to try and convince her of such is very controlling. I know that makes no sense to you. You think all you want is what is best for her. But you're actually using that to justifying being controlling. It would be good for you to read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.


I don't know if you are a believer, but it would definitely help me to understand your viewpoint if I knew. Also, what I did in asking her mother and our pastor comes straight from the bible, that which I try my best to live by. I fall short, yes, i do, but it is the authority from which i try my best to govern my life. 

Matthew 18 says this:

15 If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother. 
16 But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed and upheld by the testimony of two or three witnesses. 

They were my witnesses.




Blanca said:


> Im sure you made a lot of "requests" that she respect your station. As I've said before, i know your requests sound innocent to you but they dont sound innocent on this side of things. The above sounds incredibly domineering, demeaning, and un-loving. You have an image to uphold and she might damage that image. And now? Your worst fears are coming to life, arent they. Do you actually care about your marriage or is divorce just a major blow to your ministry? How would you look as a divorced minister? That's it, isnt it. I remember when you first came on here you were obsessed with the idea of not divorcing. You'd do anything to keep that from tarnishing your record.


Nope, there were no more "requests" other than those any husband would have and nothing other than the same courtesies i extended to her. I didn't require that she go to bible study or Sunday school. I didn't require that she wear "preacher's wife's" clothing. I only asked that she let me know where she was going and what time i could expect her back as I voluntarily did for her EVERYTIME i left the house, because I felt a wife should know where her husband is. Was it asking too much to get the same in return? I didn't tell her she couldn't go out with her friends. I just asked that if she hang out with her girlfriends, that she not come home at 1 or 2am. And if asking for someone to do what is right is controlling, then shame on me.

It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to control her. And nothing to do with a "rep". You have no idea how much I LOVE my wife. You have no idea how I would trade anything in this world to have my wife back. The only thing i will not compromise is my devotion to God. I don't care about being a divorced minister. I would rather not be divorce PERIOD, minister or not. People say that unconditional love is not possible, but it is. Having endured much of what she has put me through over the last few months and still loving her as I do is unfathomable to many, but God loves me no matter what condition I'm in and that's how I feel about my wife. Good, bad, and all, I LOVE HER. I have even been told, by even some of her own family, that I'm crazy for fighting for her and my marriage in light of some of the things that are known to many, but "love" makes you do crazy things.


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## marksaysay

So today was final hearing. It just WASN'T the final hearing. I tried to talk the logistics of the divorce weeks ago and she went on a tangent talking about how she didn't want to be with me anymore. I never mentioned anything along those lines so I didn't try to talk with her anymore. When the judge saw we could not agree her left saying he would order mediation. I don't know if this is good or bad. Obviously, she wasn't happy about it. I will take what I can get right now. I went in expecting to come out single but I didn't. Maybe it isn't God's will only time will tell. I will just keep praying and accept whatever God decides to do. 

It's just so difficult seeing her in this state. She has allienated all of the close church members who have known us for a long time. She is so full of pride, in my opinion, and she can't see it. She has stated more than once that she's in control. Maybe God is trying to show her that He's in control. I don't know. I'll just P. U. S. H. (pray until something happens)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

Had a bit of a breakthrough on Wednesday. No, my wife didn't call and ask to reconcile. This breakthrough is more personal. After all these months of dealing with the adultery of my wife, it was pointed out to me that, although i did not engage in the outward act, I did inwardly commit adultery based on Matthew 5:27,28. 

I've known porn was wrong and God has helped me tremendously in dealing with this issue and I've only indulged I think 6-7 times in the past 6 months with the last time being a little more than a month ago. I know what you may think, it's still there but these few times is really good for the time frame. I used to view it 6-7 in a week. But on Wednesday, I saw it for what it actually was, adultery in the eyes of God. I read that passage and began to study it more indepth and my hands began to shake uncontrollably with the conviction of what I had just learned. I'd read that passage tons of times before, but this particular time it really spoke to me.

It may not be enough to save my marriage or change my situation in other ways, but it did wonders for me and my relationship with God. This was one of those "WOW" moments. 

Also, I was moved to return to the church I'd left a month or so ago and I revealed to the congregation my battle with pornography and the liberating experience I had earlier during the week. Oh man, it felt good to be completely open about my struggle. The public confession made me feel as though I no longer have to hide my issue. It felt sooooo good.


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