# Men - Leaving for work earlier? (and earlier...)



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Husband recently got a new job. The commute is 20 minutes. 

Job starts at 9am. At first he left at 830am, then 8, then 730 etc. This morning he left at 615! 

Can anyone think of a reason a husband would leave in the morning at 615am for a 20 minute commute when he didn't have to be to work till 9am? When i asked him, he said it was to avoid the traffic and he just sat in the car in the parking lot when he got there for what is now 2hrs and 45minutes. 

Does this strike anybody else as odd? :scratchhead:

We have had a really rocky year, with him wanting to leave and get divorced last year, then we got marriage counseling which he would attend but never do any of the 'homework'. 

Now he seems happier, but something feels weird about this.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

It does seem a little weird to sit in a parking lot for 2 hr 45mins is he stressed about his job? is the traffic that bad ?
does he stop and relax with a coffee, It does rings alarm bells a little


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Doesn't seem stressed out. Traffic can be bad (up to 40 mins if he leaves at 830) He does stop at the corner gas station for a coffee, but it's not like he stays there. 

other than being exhausted when he gets home at 7pm, he seems ok.

I haven't found any evidence of 'strangeness' but it feels strange to me.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

so he can spend 40-50 minutes in the car driving stop of for coffee 15 mins onces hes in work had a chat with work friends sorted out his work ..its probably just visable.

Maybe you need to just ask "him hey babe are you ok your leaving earlier everyday im worrid about you"
It could be totally nothing just the stress and strain of a new job trying to fit in with others


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Maybe you need to just ask "him hey babe are you ok your leaving earlier everyday im worrid about you"


:iagree:

I find it very strange. Ask yourself what he may be trying to avoid at home.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Humpty - he says as long as he leaves before 8am, it's only a 15 minute drive. His work doesn't open till 9am and there is nobody there! He says he drives to his boss's house and sits in the driveway at his boss' house for 2.5 hours. At 9am, his boss then comes out of his house and they get into the work truck and go to work.

Not talking to anybody, just sitting there. And I did ask him - he said he just likes to get there early. There is really nobody to 'fit in with' as it's just the boss and him. They repair pools and install spa's and such. The entire company is the boss, the boss' wife (part time bookkeeper) and my hubby.

I could understand it if it was a big downtown place with water cooler talk or being able to actually 'work' early or something. But sitting in the car for almost three hours?

Amplexor - I have thought about that. He's been much 'nicer' to me lately, but distant as usual. We don't fight or argue. We spend time it the same room in the evenings watching his movies. I just can't shake the feeling he's trying to avoid me? or get some time to himself or something.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its certainly sounds like hes trying to avoid being at home .. how are the evenings you say you watch movies together do you talk about whats been happening in your day ? how works gone etc


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Give him morning sex, he'll want to stick around longer.


Seriously though, it does seem "odd". He's wanting to leave early to get out of the house...


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

RH - I've tried to give him morning sex... he says he doesn't want to be late for work. This seems impossible as the sex between us usually lasts all of four minutes or less.

Humpty - In the evenings he makes a big production out of telling me how exausted he is, and sits around watching movies. I offer to rub his back and neck, take a hot shower with him, watch the kids so he can take a nap, etc. He just turns me down with a smile and a kiss and then goes to bed at around 10pm. If I want any time near him (i don't call this 'with' him) then I have to watch whatever movie he's watching sitting in the chair or on the couch while he sits on his 'perch' - the desk by the window.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11-

Say nothing at all to him.
Then hire a PI. You will have your answer within a week.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> snix11-
> 
> Say nothing at all to him.
> Then hire a PI. You will have your answer within a week.


I agree, the way he is "zoning out" from you completely AND leaving for work 2.5 hours too early, makes me believe something is "going on".


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

I find it really weird. Can you check his cell phone bills?


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

And do you really think his boss would want him sitting in his driveway for 2.5 hours?? I would be really creeped out if someone did that to me... I ain't buying it!!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

ya sitting in your car for 2 and a half hours hmmm............


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I use to leave early to swing by the OM's house - not saying he is but...


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I know I know - same thing has been buzzing around my head. 

Yesterday I reminded him that we have a really nice membership to a health club that is paid up till Aug and they have a branch right next to his boss' house. He might want to go there and take a shower in the mornings? Our well water turned sulfur nasty with the drought and it's really nice to go there and get 'really clean'. Then again, he might just been a gym bunny there too! lol. Well, if he's gonna, he's gonna. 

He says that he just listens to his audiobooks in the morning while he waits. Hard to tell with him. 

He has stood me up two times this week for a date tho. Granted, that could be just 'him'. 

11 more days to play 'nice' to him.... I can do this!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Good Idea Mommy22!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

eh... either he is or he isn't. his choice. 

if he is, so be it, i'm done. if not, doesn't matter because it's about spending time away from me. 

either way, i don't find myself caring too much


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

snix11 said:


> eh... either he is or he isn't. his choice.
> 
> if he is, so be it, i'm done. if not, doesn't matter because it's about spending time away from me.
> 
> either way, i don't find myself caring too much


Stop thinking of yourself ... we want to know what he's doing!

*For the record, the above is sarcasm


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I understand what you are going through some days I would be great others I would feel like that the WHATEVER hell with him attitude its really hard. But you dont want to just throw it out the window do you?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Honestly, if he is having an affair, I can't see myself going all nuts over it. I would take it with a grain of salt and move on. (and he would move out)

I know he's going to a thing called "Spring War" in his mid evil reenactment game he plays in March for several days. He usually gets laid at these events as he doesn't normally drink and he'll get wasted on Tequila and well, HIS clothes do come off after that. 

I tried to go with him this year, but he's manipulated it so I'm not going and I'll be home watching the kids. This is a big source of some of my depression. He's been texting and messaging and calling all his friends about going now for weeks, and getting really excited about going. I went one year (2 years ago) and it was really fun and we had a great time.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> Do you guys have an open marriage or am I missing something?


Yeah, that just seemed odd to me as well...


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Oh dangit. I just lost a whole reply. Dang iPod. Will post when I can use the pc without waking him up. I've Been up since 4 am lonely.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

ok. lets try this again on the pc. he might wake up and get mad, but oh well  (yeah i know how loving...)

update - i called several times this week in the pre work hours and he answered right away and i could hear traffic in the background but no audio book. either way, i don't think he's meeting someone. however, it still looks like he'd rather sit in a driveway for three hours than have morning sex with me 

The open relationship thing. oh boy, where to start. 

Met in Jan 2006 - dating, life is wonderful. 

He and his two kids moved in with me Oct 2006 - His idea

Nov 2006- Aug 2007 - major change in his actions. no more dating, hardly any sex, it's like he tuned out. Lots of frustration and arguments over this.

He proposed to me Oct 2007

Dec 2007 he announced we weren't working out and he wanted to leave and move out.

Jan-march 2008 I work on the changes he insisted on - basically no arguing (on my part) and no bringing up any issues or anything that might upset him. Covering up his mistakes and not talking about anything other than kids and work.

March - Sept 2008 Marriage counseling with Steve Harley (marriage builders) I do all the homework, he doesn't. Steve tells me he's not into it and I should be prepared to leave. Hubby refuses to take the time for us, refuses to date, refuses to work on talking. Two days before a marriage session he would be REALLY nice to me, then about one day after. The rest of the time i'm invisible to him even tho we live in the same house, work in the same room and are around each other 24/7. I fall into deep depression and loniliness.

Sept-Dec 2008 - I basically give up. Don't really try any more. He stays the same. Pleasant but roommates. Asks me if i need something from the store. Ignores our personal relationship. Treats me like an Aunt he is fond of.

when we first started dating, we discussed an open relationship. I said he was welcome to bring someone to bed with US, but i got veto rights. stipulations were that we were strong in the relationship, no problems and we put each other first and looked at the playmate as just that. he said at the time he was happy with just me. we have never utilized the playmate clause so to speak.

In March of 2006, while we were dating but before we had had sex, he went to spring war and got laid. he told me about it - we were very close friends. i wasn't jealous, more amused.

When he proposed, he wanted me to pick the date. i wanted us to pick one together. we were both stubborn on the subject. he has a HUGE family and lots of friends and i thought he should be the one to co-ordinate the timing. I have NO family except the kids to accommodate. Neither of us are Christian, and wanted an alternative wedding. He did some preliminary checking on that, but like many of his projects, he gave up on it in a few months. So, for these reasons, i never picked a date. 

Two months later he announces we are over, he wants out and that it was a mistake moving in with me. That he had felt that way all along but felt bad and cowardly that he hadn't told me. plus he thought that things would get better but they didn't. By this time I'm eight months pregnant with our son. NOW he tells me he doesn't want a relationship??

When I became pregnant, he started telling people i was his wife. In texas that makes you common law married. We lived together, raised our combined children together, started one business together and ran another together etc. 

We didn't discuss the marriage ceremony while i was pregant for several reasons. I was traveling all the time for business, I was also in poor health due to the pregnancy - I have a major time with pregnancies and should not have gotten pregnant this time. Pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure, and five c-sections with complications did not make for a happy pregnancy. Add to this two miscarriages I had prior to this baby. 

Jan 08 I had our son. He spent a month in ICU as a seven week preemie. Had a PDA etc. I spent a month with 67 staples in my stomach living on the floor of my Husband's mothers ratty apartment near the hospital taking care of his dying mother - in and out of ths hospital with uncontrolled high blood pressure. He was somewhat concerned about me. Visited the baby every day and checked on me once a week or so. Lets just say for several reasons it was a VERY stressful month. I even had CPS investigate me for drug use and tell me I couldn't take my child home and he would be place in foster care! It was later found out that the 'drugs' they found in my son's meconium was from the drugs they gave me for my emergency C section and I was cleared of all suspicion. But I hope NOBODY ever has to go thru that!

Then during the summer, i ask him again if we are married he says no. I say what? he says that since things aren't going well for us right now we aren't married. I suggested he might want to send his wife a memo or something when they get 'divorced'. While there is a common law marriage in texas, there is no common law divorce.

Just recently in Marriage counseling - last month, the counselor asked paul if we were married. He said yes. When asked to define that, he said he couldn't. He couldn't describe what that was supposed to look like (vows, promises, exclusivity etc) and said only that no, marriage wasn't a 'forever' thing to him. Never the less, he felt we were married, whatever that means. I came away thinking that we might as well be 'snarfblatted' since marriage wasn't defined in any way, included no vows etc. 

2006 - He has sex at the event with some cute girl
2007 - He goes to the event by himself. Says he didn't have sex but blacked out for Sat night after drinking. Woke up alone but doesn't know if anything happened.
2008 - We go to the event together as he is up for a knighthood. Have a nice time until we leave where in he's screaming and slamming car doors and such. 
2009 - He plans on going by himself.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

snix11 said:


> He usually gets laid at these events as he doesn't normally drink and he'll get wasted on Tequila and well, HIS clothes do come off after that.


So we are assuming the "gets laid" part is pre-relationship. Correct??


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

pardon me while i post something to the parenting forum. i'm trying to avoid an argument this morning.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Yes - post meeting and talking, pre sex with us.


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## StillStanding (Feb 1, 2009)

Im sorry perhaps, I am confused, I have been somewhat stalking your posts (in an interest way not a creepy way) and I thought that I had read in one seperate from this one that he had announced to you that he just wanted to be roomates and nothing more.
Did this change at some point or did his comments about seeing you two as married make you think that the roomate statement was no longer valid?
Also you seem very nice, interesting, and a woman with a sex drive(like myself) that most men would deeply appreciate so I am curious as to why you seem to fear him moving out eventhough that seems to be what he wants to do? 
Now this is just my perspective: It looks like he is leaving earlier and earlier in an effort to spend more time away from you or the household as a whole. 
It like he is making you a last resort option and you are making him a priority. Do you ever do anything just for you?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

With six kids and working from home, time for 'just me' is rare indeed. I can't even find time or space to masturbate, much less anything else!

Honestly i don't know what he thinks or feels about us. He's become a totally diff person than the one i feel in love with. He's gone from making me the center of his universe to treating me like furniture one day to a well loved aunt the next to a friend the next. Though the aunt and friend aren't bad things, I would rather feel like a special and loved companion, lover, mate and wife. 

He feels that the 'honeymoon' period is over and i'm just nuts to want romance to continue beyond the dating period. Maybe I am, but I hear enough men here too wanting it to think that I can find someone nutty like me 

As for him moving out, unless he has someone else, I promised NOT to kick him out, ever. Stupid promise I realize, and said under duress, but I keep my promises.

I tried to do something just for me on saturday. I hadn't ridden my horses for a few months, so i went out for a ride. 36 years riding horses you'd think i had the hang of it!! Well while using a mounting block (because i was riding bareback) I slipped off! Boy did i feel stupid. Got a bruise on my left ankle doing it. Well, you know me, back on I got to do it again. This time, WHAM, like somebody kicked the thing out from under me! sheesh. This time it REALLY hurt my right ankle. But i was determined. Third time was a charm. Up and on my way. I noticed i was a little nausaus, but didn't think much of it. (i should have known better, every time i'm injured and get queasy, it means a broken bone) so i went out riding for four hours. Got back and noticed my ankle was really bruised and swollen and a little hard to walk on. 

it's now two days later and i can't put any weight on it. sigh. doesn't feel like a sprain either. and me without any health insurance - can't afford it. kids are on medicaid, but i make 16.00 too much a month to qualify for insurance. 

Hubby wants me to go in and get it xray'd but we don't have the money for it. so i'm using my laptop today working from the easy chair. i'm hoping a few days off it (yeah that will happen with two homeschooled and a 1 yr old) will help.

so that's the farm report... lol


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I'm not sure why he's leaving so early - and other than someone else, i suppose it's just to get away from me. he's been posting to singles sites, face book, myspace, yahoo personals. all looking for a short, thin, redheaded girl age 28-40. i'm a tall, hefty brunette age 43. guess he's not looking for me, huh?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I don't know how you couldn't burst at the seams knowing that he is actively seeking someone else.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I've been reading your posts all along and really hoping he would take some sort of an interest in you. I just don't understand how you can continue to let him treat you this way. I know you had some issues with your ex that caused you to stay in the relationship you are in for the time being....what has happened with that? 

How can it possibly be acceptable for him to be listing on dating sites....putting himself out there....disrespecting you at every opportunity he gets....and then turn around and mention he hasn't received his love note? 

I'm sorry. I just don't get it. I don't understand why you put up with someone who doesn't value you. You deserve so much better. At the end, you can definitely say you gave it your all. I'm rooting for you still, not for your relationship anymore, now just for you.


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## StillStanding (Feb 1, 2009)

snix11 said:


> I'm not sure why he's leaving so early - and other than someone else, i suppose it's just to get away from me. he's been posting to singles sites, face book, myspace, yahoo personals. all looking for a short, thin, redheaded girl age 28-40. i'm a tall, hefty brunette age 43. guess he's not looking for me, huh?





:2gunsfiring_v1: (That what I think of him posting personal ads)

I am all for maintaining a relationship with minimal jealously but blatantly soliciting for an affair while treating you like a doormat instead of woman is where I would draw the line, but that just me.

It doesnt seem like you two have much a marriage, a relationship, or even a friendship. Im curious... what are the advantages of continuing this (not really sure of the proper word for it)?:scratchhead:


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

```
looking for a short, thin, redheaded girl age 28-40.
```
Sounds like he is looking for my wife....LOL 

Tell him she is taken already....


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Time to drop him in my opinion if he's actively looking for other women on dating sites.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

When i mention it to him, he says he's not actively seeking anyone and he signed up for those sites a long time ago. He did sign up a while ago, but I keep getting billings for classmates.com.

He says that is because he's looking for old friends from school. Is it possible? i suppose. There is nothing overt in his posting on myspace, other than he's really looking forward to seeing this girl/guy or that at spring war next month. nothing that suggests he's having sex yet. Just basic flirting. What hurts is that he doesn't flirt with ME anymore.

Never the less, he still lists himself as SINGLE on all these sites, including his myspace account. When I ask him, he says it's no big deal, that he just hasn't bothered to update it yet (in three years) however, he does put on his myspace site that one of his favorite things is his waterbrother (me) but doesn't mention me by name. He says it's sweet, i say it's arms length sweet at best.

So he paints me as jealous and crazy for thinking he is out to find someone else.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> I don't know how you couldn't burst at the seams knowing that he is actively seeking someone else.


I used to. Then he would call me jealous and insane and all these negative things. He skirts the edge of 'actively' seeking by using all these ways of saying he's not actually seeking anyone. 

if that is so, why change all his passwords on his sites?

Last night was weird again, but interesting.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Update - He's now leaving closer to 7am rather than 615. 

He no longer wants to spend time with me in the evening (or doesn't actively seek it out) but is nice to me. Took me to the doc yesterday. Came home, played VERY energetically with the baby for a while. Then as soon as the babysitter (my 17 yr old) came to get him at 930pm for 'our' time, he was suddenly too tired to do anything but go to sleep. This made me really depressed and I started crying, realizing the hopelessness of it all. 

He asked me what was wrong, and what he had done wrong this time. I didn't want to get into it - if i tell him he just tells me how i'm wrong for thinking that way, and how i'm just crazy to think that the 'honeymoon' period of our life should continue blah blah blah.

He wanted to cuddle with me in bed, i didn't really want to - afraid of more rejection. But he told me that if I didn't, I was just proving that it was ME that didn't want to fix the relationship. Then he insisted i get undressed to cuddle him. I did. then he gave me one of those half hearted cuddles that doesn't mean anything and i felt so stupid and vulnerable. 

This went on for a while, then I couldn't take it any more and got up and went downstairs to play with the kids. He said that he wouldn't be able to sleep knowing I was upset. (yeah right, since when?) I came back later and he was reading. I was feeling better and offered to cuddle with him again. He said "I guess" and "only if you want to" I declined and went to write it out of my system. 

Now, here comes the interesting part - for my ankle, they gave me some tramadol. about an hour after taking it, i'm NO LONGER DEPRESSED! feeling really good actually. I thought, oh what the heck, even if he rejects me again, it's good practice for the next guy to be nice. 

I went over to the bed and sat down. He looked up from his book like "what do you want?" i said hi. i was cute, i smiled and made jokes. I asked him if he was still unable to sleep because he was worried I was upset. He said "I guess". I asked him what I could do etc. Pulled out ALLL the loving stops so to speak. He again gave me the cold shoulder, or at least the indifferent shoulder. One could reasonably assume he was afraid of my rejection too, since i was the one that got up and left earlier. 

I asked him what he wanted to do - snuggle with me, just be left alone or what. he said he didn't know. (grrrrrrr i hate it when he does this) but i was all perky and said, well why don't we try some things then? 

I got out the extra love notes i had been saving and gave them to him one at a time. he smiled in all the right spots when he read them. some of them actually seemed to get an internal reaction out of him. (just a little mind you) then i 'made' him cuddle me. 
Then I suggested he sleeps better after an Orgasm (dont all men?) and gave him one of those too. he did fall asleep after that, but woke up again and was restless most of the night a few hours later. 

Yes, i know it looks like doormat city - BUT...

it was MY choice to be nice. I didn't feel like a doormat and i didn't really care what his reaction was. Frankly i like ME better when i'm nice, to hell with what he thinks of it. He couldn't reject me that time because i was being nice for ME, not for HIM. I know that sounds all twisted and strange, but living with all this rejection and being as loving as I am, i dont see any other way to reconcile it. 

AND, it's still Feb. Month of love, remember? forgiveness, love, trying as many times as it takes etc. How can i respect myself if i don't give it my ALL? 

Besides, tomorrow is my birthday (woo hoo) and it's only a few more days I have to 'be nice' so I think i can last that long. 

Come march - i'm not under the same constraints.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

thank you for the birthday wishes


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

:birthday: I hope he does something nice and special for you.

I understand being nice for "you". Being the person you want to be and acting accordingly is so important. It really sucks when we let others dictate our moods (speaking from personal experience). I also understand that you want to finish what you started with your February "Month of Love". You are certainly a better woman than I am.

My question for you.....unless he gets his act together pretty damn quick, and starts treating you with the respect and love that you deserve....is March going to be "Kick His A$$ To The Curb" month? Other than being "nice" and "tolerating" you, I don't see that he has done anything to deserve you.

I really hope he pulls out all the stops for your birthday tomorrow.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

i agree with the people that have found this a buit strange... he def seems like he is avoiding being at home because who sits in a car 2.5 hours a day ?????


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Good Morning Ms. Stacy! Thank you for the birthday wishes 

You are officially the first person to wish me happy birthday. lol. i think that warrants a prize. *grin*

His best friend is having a party for me Saturday. It feels really strange but nice of Jim (his friend). I've had five kids and never had a baby shower, been married and never had a bridal shower or anything and the last time anybody had a party for my birthday i was 10. I'm always the one throwing the parties, never the one getting one.

All i did was ask Jim to make me some of his famous cookies! lol. 

I don't really expect Hubby to do anything. He already gave me the ipod 'from the family' on Feb 1. He didn't even say good morning before he left today, much less happy birthday. but, shrug, whatever 

He hasn't been sleeping well the last few days. keeps tossing and turning at night. i'm trying to help him all i can, but not sure what else i can do. 

No, March won't be PHYSICALLY kicking his ass to the curb (that damn promise of mine) but i'll be 'checking out' of the relationship so to speak. No more researching ways to fix us, no more spending money on marriage counselors he doesn't want, no more time spent on it. 

In my other thread, I posted some questions that I'd sure like some input into. I'm not sure WHAT exactly to do - other than knowing i don't want to keep beating my head against a wall. I want to take care of me (emotionally too) but i don't want to yell, or be shrewish or vindictive. I want to surround myself with people who treat me well, and distance myself from those who don't. Sounds easy except for this roommate who sleeps in my bed. 

Anyway, i'm off to work, have a wonderful day :smthumbup:


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

pinkprincess said:


> i agree with the people that have found this a buit strange... he def seems like he is avoiding being at home because who sits in a car 2.5 hours a day ?????



I don't know why he does it, he says it's to avoid the traffic. I don't suspect there is anyone else, just that he wants to leave early i guess.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> :birthday:


and yes, mommy22, you get the pre-birthday wish prize


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

lol  

Thank you kindly, ma'am ...

hubby just called and left a voice mail wishing me a happy birthday. "Hi hon. happy birthday, call me back i'm on my lunch hour" called him right back, got his voice mail. left a message for him saying thank you for wishing me a happy birthday and hope he has a nice lunch.

aren't we so polite to each other?


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Happy birthday snix11! I hope everything goes well today for ya.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Why thank you. Just when you thought it was safe to turn off.. .sigh

hubby calls up and actually SINGS me happy birthday - Bill Murray style. awwwwww. Said he wanted to take me out to the health club tonight to soak my sprained ankle and his tired body - he's been using the jack hammer all day at work, then even offered to take me to dinner. 

yes, i know.. don't hold out any expectations i guess... last time i got all dressed up and ready he stood me up. Dress up or not? oh why not.. if he stands me up i'll take the kids out by ourselves


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## StillStanding (Feb 1, 2009)

:smthumbup:HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA!:smthumbup:

Since March will not be "Kick His A$$ to The Curb Month" could it be "You are Just My Roomate, Clean Up after yourself, Feed Yourself, Do Yourself Month"?

What about "Kick His A$$ out the BED Month"?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Why yes, still standing I think it will... not only that but, if you don't want me, I'll find someone who will 

Now I just need to find a way to TELL him without sounding like a bit*h but only like a reasonable woman who wants to take care of herself and be loved. suggestions?

Yesterday he offered to take me to the health club to soak in the hot tub. (good sexy memories for us from when we were dating) I accepted and got ready for that (not an easy feat with the sprained ankle) then he takes a shower at home and says he doesn't want to go. ok, so i unpack everything and shower here. 
Put on a brand new pretty sundress, did my hair different, extra special make up. He didn't mention it. The kids however were like "wow mom, you look BEAUTIFUL!!" at least the kids notice. lol.

Asked him to zip me up. "sure" zip. no kiss on the neck or anything. well ok. we went to dinner and he talked about the kids and his work. just good friends. He opened the door for me on the way in, but the waiter had to get my chair. 

He asked me while we were there if I'd like to do anything afterwards - I said is there anything you want to do? He said 'no, not really, this is your night honey, lets do what you want to'. 

So I took a chance and said - yes, stud... you... in my sexiest voice. He said "that sounds great". After dinner we drove to this place called planet K which is kind of a head shop and insense seller. It's where I get my gonish insense and he said I could pick out a present. I picked out two new types of insense. He said 'is that all you want?" I just smiled and said everything else I need is you honey." the clerk smiled and said he was a lucky man. When we got into the car he said he was very sorry but he was really tired and we came straight home. Did he expect me to pick someting else out at the store? they had some gag gifts (not my style) insense (i got some) books (I don't grow hemp) and some gag sex gifts (he takes those to his friends parties and to events - like a penis squirt gun he fills with either booze or milk) and why would i want that? I feel I was missing something, but not sure what. He gave me a few 'birthday spankings' earlier in play then offered to use his belt on me to give me the rest. I just said for him to remember HIS birthday was coming up the end of march and to give only as much as he wanted to get. lol.

he went to bed when we got home. no cuddle, no kiss on the cheek, just him saying he was glad i had a great birthday and goodnight hun. He then rolled over and read his book. Where did I go wrong?

Note that nothing he did was mean, or spiteful or angry. But neither was it anything more than a roommate or a kind relative. He makes these motions like he want a relationship - singing to me over the phone, taking me to dinner, asking what i want to do after - but then he either doesn't follow thru, or keeps it at a 'safe' distance (like over the phone). 

Frankly, I'm just sick of waiting for him. I don't hate him, I'm not even angry any more - just tired and ready to be treated like a woman


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## StillStanding (Feb 1, 2009)

snix11 said:


> Now I just need to find a way to TELL him without sounding like a bit*h but only like a reasonable woman who wants to take care of herself and be loved. suggestions?


SHOW HIM better than you can tell him. He wants a roomate, then be just the roomate, you dont have to be friends just civil.

I would introduce him as "my roomate...." or "my friend...." 
As your roomate he needs his own room, or somewhere else to sleep besides in bed with you. He can do his own laundry, make his own meals, and get himself off, you dont need to be involved in any of that. Dont call him any pet names, or do anything that he cant do for himself. Dont play those role playing games, board games or anything with him. Dont be home everytime he gets off of work, it predictable he expects that. Take the kids out or for a ride. You need to take the focus off of him.

That will give you plenty of time to free yourself up to take care of you. Wine and dine yourself, take yourself to the movies, let him be the babysitter. You might think its silly to go out alone, but its no more silly than living alone with someone living with you. I think you have been stepped on long enough, its time for you to step up and take back your life.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Sounds good  and all this logic out of a pregnant woman 

At the party this weekend, I'm going to introduce him as my friend. He probably won't even notice, but I will. lol.

He has encouraged me for MONTHS to go out and do things by myself or with friends or (get this) even to go find people to have sex with. I held off because I figured the only reason he was suggesting it was so that he could have an excuse to leave the relationship by saying "see, she's going out...."

But now, fine. If he can't or won't commit to us, no reason for me to stick around expecting him to come around just because I'm being nice, sweet, romantic, sexy, available and willing.. huh


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

I agree to say nothing to him. Most men will not tell you the truth and it will be harder to find out what he is doing. You could put a GPS on his vehicle, hire a PI like Mark said, etc. You will find out more by watching and waiting for him to slip up. Usually when you have a bad feeling that something is going on, you are probably right.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Sometimes your gut feeling is always right unfortunately. Check his ATM records, his gas card record, text, phone, any strange phone
calls at night?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

nah - whatever he is doing, i think he's waiting for me to 'cheat' first before he makes his move. and he is encouraging me to do so and has been for the last year. 

I think he's getting impatient for me to 'leave' the relationship so that he can. Cowards way out if you ask me, but oh well.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

wow, you definately have a very strange relastionship right from the start. i dont agree with all you have said, open relationships and living like he is a roommate , not actually getting married and all that, so i might be way off here. 

i am also having the same problem with my husband. which is what caught my attention on your post. my husband works 4am to 4pm. he has left as early as 2am. WTF we dont have traffic, we live 5 minutes from his job. he gets picked up and dropped off since his dwi last year. And yes, i think he is cheating on me.

personally i dont know any other reason to leave so early. yes, he might be avoiding spending time at home, but who cares. it still hurts. and he is still letting you down. 

As far as your promises, i am also like that. i rairly brake a promise. but in this case, it is just a foolish excuse to stay with him. Some times you just have to break a promise, no matter what. You can promise your best friend you will not tell anyone her secrets but if you find out her dad is having sex with her, you tell for her own good. Such as in your case, since he is treating you like a door mat, and you are not legally married you really should leave him. i am all for staying for the kids and trying to make it work. but i worry that this is damaging you. if you think he is getting impatient for you to leave, then leave. i am not sure what is holding you there, promise or no promise. if he doesnt want you to go to his play thing, it is for a reason. i cant believe he would shut you out like that after you telling him, hey we had a great time, i really enjoyed it and spending that time with you, for him to manipulate it so you cant go. he really must have missed getting laid there. 

i also agree with someones response. find a friend to watch the kids or the babysitter and after he leave follow him. i have been actually considering doing this myself. only i dont have any friends. and he would regonize the car. trying to figure out how to get this done because i know my husband is not going to tell me the truth no matter what it is, he does sit and drink coffee and talk to other people, just dont talk to me. so who knows it might be innocent. in your case, you seem to have the opportunity to do this. just because he answers the phone and you hear traffic, doesnt mean he is not getting head in the car or that someone is there with him.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Update: 

He's not cheating - we had a long talk about that. He just feels that he's not wanted at home and is throwing himself into his job. He loves to read but he's been coming home exausted every night around 7pm (lots of physical work after being behind a desk for three years) and isn't getting his 'reading' time in. He is listening to audiobooks in the car. Yes, I did check on all this and yes that's what he's doing. 

As for the "us" factor - that's another story...

I'm battling major depression (partly brought on by his emotional abuse and neglect but other factors also) so I'm struggling to make it thru some days. 

He tells me he "doesn't know" if he wants a relationship
"doesn't know" if he wants to leave or not
"doesn't know" if he wants to be married, etc etc.

Finally Monday we argued about it. Basically I told him I can't live in limbo anymore. If i'm not the ONE, he needs to leave and find the one. To which he answered he doesn't think there IS a 'someone' for him and doesn't think true love, romance, etc exists.

He says he has done alot of soul searching and he doesn't have any needs from a woman. He doesn't care if someone is affectionate, or loving, or sexual or any of that. This is complete Horsesh*t and he knows it. 

Monday night, he's laying into me verbally like he does, and I just started saying "thank you sir, may I have another?" he got REALLY mad at that, but he quit beating me up verbally. Finally, he decided to quit the fight and we went to bed. We actually snuggled and fell asleep in each others arms. 

Tuesday, he comes home late, spends some time with the kids and goes to bed early, asking me if I will hold him when we go to bed. I said sure - he replied, "do i have to hold a gun to your head?" I have NO idea what that was supposed to mean, my response to him was loving and positive not sarcastic. Anyway, the baby finally goes down about 1130 and I come to bed. When I tried to hold him (he's fast asleep) he's jerking away in his sleep. This isn't unusual for him. But he calmed down and again, we spent the night with our legs tangled together. 

Now what I find so interesting about that is - despite not having any personal time, talking, etc while we were awake the night before, i have a very happy positive feeling about him today because of how we slept together. Interesting, huh?

I've been reading my "marriage fitness" stuff and it seems to be more about the 'connection' than anything else. When I feel connected to him, I don't feel neglected. 

We'll see how it goes. Never the less, I don't think I can put up with his "fence sitting" much longer. He tried to tell me that it's MUCH worse for him because not only does he have the pain of not knowing what he wants, he has the pain of hurting me by his inaction. He said he's been on the fence so long it's digging up his arse. my reply? *GOOD! I hope it bothers you enough to finally choose*

I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to be married. I want to be with someone who wants me, tells me they want me, and treats me like i'm wanted, needed and loved. 

He is very caring. But he makes no bones about the fact that he's 'unsure' if he wants a 'real' relationship with me. He greeted me warmly yesterday after work, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. We slept together all tangled up and in the mornings he gets dressed in the dark or with a lighter so he doesn't disturb me (I wake up anyway - i'm a light sleeper - but the gesture is kind)

I do wish he would just make up his DAM* Mind already.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Now he's nicer again ... this on off is driving me nuts.


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