# New and need help on so many levels



## crazystraw (Nov 22, 2017)

Hello - I am new to this board, and need help. Some background on me.

I am a 45 year old woman, married for the last 17 years to my husband, 49 years old. Two kids 14 and 10. I don't know how long it has been that we have been having issues. I will give you a condensed version. I was married once before this marriage for about a year. My husband was a friend at that time and knew about it. I was 23 when I got married and separated by 24. Married my husband at 28. We had been friends who really liked each other, but never really dated. A year before we got married we realized we really liked each other and decided to get married. He comes from a conservative family but I got the impression he was fine with it because he said so. We have had some issues along the way because he had a hard time with the fact I was had slept with another man before (cultural thought process...common in our country). About 4 years ago, some conversation came up when I mentioned two things 1) I had agreed to my first marriage. It was an arranged marriage again commonin our country. He said he hadn't known that and had assumed my family had forced me into it 2) I was in a 2-year relationship prior to my first marriage and it had not worked out. I told him I had approached the guy in the first place and told him I was interested in him. Not common in our country for a girl to take the lead. He lost it when he found these things out, went into depression, tried to kill himself, hurt himself with a belt, fire...things I cant bear to think about. He said he couldn't get it out of his mind and that I had somehow cheated him by not confessing to them prior to us being married. Things never got better after that. We would have 2 weeks of peace and then something would set him off and he wouldn't talk at all. A week of this, and I would have to try and get him out of it. I went and saw atherapist a few months ago. Went for 3-4 sessions, and then stopped because he was upset that I was telling our personal details to a random stranger. 

In the middle of all this, I am finding myself attracted to someone I work with - my boss actually. After a particularly bad weekend of fights, I was in a bad state at work and had to leave work. I confided some basic details to him. He said he had been in a similar situation and had been separated from his wife for a few months but got back together and are working it out. Hi kids were one of the reasons he is wanting to be together. My attraction for him started much before I knew all these details. I have known him for about 3.5 years now. Initially I just thought he was cute but nowfind myself more attracted. I see changes in his behavior too. He was the kind of person who always held eye contact, but for the last few months I see his eyes wander down my body or look at my cleavage. To my horror, I find myself enjoying it because someone finds me attractive. My husband has stopped showing any interest in me. We have sex if I initiate it - he says he will not anymore because apparently I am not interested. Which is not true. We have had some time periods when I wasn't interested - when the kids were young, but not now. 

I can't talk to him any more. I have tried multiple times and it ends badly. He gets aggressive, and will hurt himself. I know no one else can help me if I don't...I can't walk away can't do it to my kids to have parents separated. I have told myself I will live this fake life. What do Ido about this attraction to anonother man? We have no physical contact or even acknowledged our attraction for each other. He has shared details of his marriage woes which he says no one else knows and he is the only one who knows about my issues too. Outside of his office door, we are co-workers who occupy the same building,nothing more. We don't talk at all outside. But within his office walls he is much more friendlier. A part of me wants him to want me. I feel thrilled when he looks at my legs or my chest. Don't mean to offend anyone but I just want to feel desired. 

From a man's perspective - what would make you change your behavior towards a woman that way?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

crazystraw said:


> ..I am a 45 year old woman, married for the last 17 years to my husband, 49 years old. Two kids 14 and 10.
> 
> ....We have had some issues along the way because he had a hard time with the fact I was had slept with another man before (cultural thought process...common in our country).
> 
> ...


I think you need to do some prioritizing. 

First, continuing to fantasize about your boss is not going to help anyone or anything. Stop it. Sit your boss down and tell him you have had a moment of mental clarity and you want to apologize to him for the flirting you did and for leading him on. Tell him that you need to focus one either saving or ending your marriage to your second husband.

If you continue you are sabotaging your own marriage and it will blow up all around you.

Second, you need to get your husband in to see a mental health specialist. Depression and attempts at killing himself are something that is way over the top! This is the kind of thing you read about in newspapers where there are there is a murder-suicide and an entire family is dead. Seriously get him to a mental health treatment program. If you need to call a suicide prevention telephone hot line or a crisis clinic. He needs serious help.

Third, you need to go back to therapy and get your head straight at to what you want out of marriage and out of life.

Once he starts to come around, then you can figure out if you want to save the marriage. If you do want to save your marriage, both you and your H will need to work at rebuilding it. Right now he can't and right now with your eye on your boss you can't either.

Again, take steps so that you and your H will be in a position to see if you can save your marriage or the two of you should end it.

Good luck.


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Please don’t sleep with your boss. It will not end well for anyone. Just read through some of the threads here. Given your husband’s state, it is very likely that when he finds out, he will expose you. You will probably end up divorced, jobless, and possibly homeless. Besides that, you are in a marriage with children. They will be the innocent victims. Unless your husband is physically abusing you or your children, give it some time. You are unhappy now, but cheating will ensure a long spell of despair for all involved. Your boss is on your mind because he is the nearest and easiest opportunity. He is also the most easily identified potential target, should your husband suspect that you are in an affair. Right now, it is likely that you see your H as the most undesirable of all potential life partners. It is also possible that you are amplifying his negative behaviors in your own mind in order to justify your wayward desires. On a positive note, you haven’t begun the affair yet AND you have found this site. Read as much as you can here, and take the advice of the posters who have been a party to similar scenarios. There are many here, and from what I have gathered, their advice is golden.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The boss thing if you pursue it is going to destroy your entire life. @Young at Heart is right get your husband some help, something is not right with him. You are married that should be your priority.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

You have gotten sound advice regarding your husband's need for a psychological intervention and your impending affair with your boss.

Do you know the most common place affairs take place?
At work

Do you know how they start most of the time?
Intimate conversation where each person bad mouths their marriage. Once that takes place an 'I love you' soon follows and the affair is off and running.

The affair that is about to take place between you and your boss is a textbook case. On TAM it is a bad cliche, a rerun of a B movie.

The personal devastation for your husband, children, and your reputation will be irrevocable. This is an awful tragedy. 

Since you have lowered your boundaries the only way out is quitting your job and ending all contact with your boss. You both have too strong of an attraction for each other now, and neither of you put up proper boundaries. Trust me on this. If you don't quit your job an affair will ensue. We've seen this play out too many times.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You asked what would make me, as a man, show interest in a female coworker?

Easy answer, if she showed more than a passing personal interest in me and flirted a little. Started to complain about her husband.


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