# Emotional Affair or Just Good Friends?



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Married 22 years with two kids (21 and 16). Husband is impotent due to prostate cancer surgery (2 years ago) but can perform occasionally.

On July 10, 2008 I looked at the cell phone bill and found at least 60 calls in the month of June to 3 phone numbers. One number I recognized from work was a female coworker (we work at the same place, but different buildings). Later found out the other two numbers was her cell phone and home phone. Husband called those numbers every single day/nite. He initiated most of the calls but when he called she always called back. Some calls were after 1:00am! When I confronted him with this he said they were just friends and it was nothing for me to be concerned about. I was hurt, and angry because the woman in question is someone I speak with and see at work and our relationship was pretty good. I had no idea she was spending that much time talking to my husband. I looked further into the cell phone bills and to my anger and astonishment, these calls have been going on for at least two years.

He still claims 'its nothing'. I told him that they have talked enough and not to talk to her anymore and he said he would. Two weeks later while 'snooping', I found a prepaid cell phone he bought the day after I confronted him. Checking the calls on it, they were still talking to each other. He lied to me. I told him that I do not share men and if talking to her is that important, we should divorce. He says he does not want to divorce, will stop talking to her and will get rid of the prepaid phone. 

Well, its November 14, 2008 and I saw the phone again and he has put 300 minutes on it. I'm not getting this, apparently he cares for this woman, why won't he just move in with her and not waste my time? This has really changed my feelings for him. I don't love him like I used to and it shows. 

I confronted the woman a couple of weeks ago and hollered at her about her relationship with my husband. Crying, she said she would never talk to him again - ever. Well, the next day, I check his prepaid cell phone and she had called him (he forgot to erase his incoming calls).

Now what? What do I do now? She must have told him about our conversation because he is very cold to me. Absolutely no affection from him. Is my marriage over? Should I think about a separation or get involved with another man?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, after two years (or more) and continuing to call (with a pre paid phone), I'd give him the choice: her or me. 

the very next time they "talk", you'd better be prepared to walk away. 

It can be a separation, it need not be divorce; but it DOES need to be a wake up call for him.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is deffinately an emotional affair. He knows it is wrong as he is now lying and hiding it from you. He may not see her as a future mate but likely has very deep feelings for her. Usually an EA is started because they are missing something at home. It is generally not about sex but about ego, acceptance, love, attention. The first step in resolving this is to have a firm discussion with him and ask him why he needs to speak to her so much. What does she provide that you do not? But you are correct the contact must stop. Confronting TOW is risky but you felt you needed to do it so fine. He is dealing with the situation through withdrawal. This my pull him closer to her. EAs can be very damaging to a marriage. I know that first hand. Begin with communicating with him to find the underlying need then work from there. Do not get involved with an other man. Tit for tat is not the way to heal a marriage. You have the moral high ground here, stay there. Good luck


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:
100%


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Confronting TOW is risky but you felt you needed to do it so fine. He is dealing with the situation through withdrawal. 


Its funny, when I confronted her in the parking garage where we work, she started dialing numbers on her cell phone so I know she was calling my husband so I made sure what I had to say was plain enough for him to understand also. I have not mentioned to him that I talked to her and he certainly havent mentioned it but I feel like he wants to say something. I forewarned him when this started that I wanted to talk to her and he kept trying to "scare" me from confronting her - making me think that I could get hurt. He also says "its not her fault". He's defending her. She knew better than that. I felt so good that day and still do. 

Since I mentioned "divorce", he does not leave the house like he used to. For years, he leaves home and doesnt come back till 3-4am, saying he was playing chess. He's a good chess player and I know there are lots of all nite chess spots in the area so I believed him. Now I'm beginning to think he's been spending a lot of that time at her house (she's single/divorced).

He's home all the time. Does a lot around the house. We ride to work together every day and we league bowl in 3 leagues. We talk all the time. I just cant understand why he needs to talk to another woman period. He claims I dont "listen" to him when he talks. We talk all the time!!!! 

When he sleeps at nite, he keeps the "secret" phone under his pillow and erases all evidence of calls. I guess he wants to make sure I dont find the phone.

Maybe thats why he's acting like he is - its a lot of energy trying to be sneaky. Do you think he's also angry because he cant do what he wants? I've given him 'free will' for the last 22 years to come and go as he pleases without a lot of questions. I feel like he took advantage of my trust in him.

He says if I cant let this go, our relationship is doomed, saying he doesnt want no one but me, she is not a woman he could live with. So is he really saying "let me have my friend, and I'll still stay with you". Sounds like I'm being used.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i learned a new phrase a couple of days ago that applies here i think.

his phone is in his "sneaky pile." what else does he have in his 
"sneaky pile?" find that and i swear you'll know all you need to know.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Justbecause you talkall the time, doesn't mean that you are good at listening. I found this out when I got divorced from my first wife.

As for confronting her, it is/was risky but it is over with now.

From here you have to decide what you want. Do you want to fix your marriage. Give it one more try. Or walk away.

draconis


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

draconis said:


> Just because you talk all the time, doesn't mean that you are good at listening. I found this out when I got divorced from my first wife.
> draconis


You know what, that exactly what he said! I'm not "there" when he talks to me. I guess sometimes I'm not because if he ask him what he said, I couldnt remember cause I wasnt really listening to him. I know I'm not perfect and need to work on some times about myself, but if I do and he is still talking to other women, I'll have to divorce him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Lasr60637 said:


> You know what, that exactly what he said! I'm not "there" when he talks to me. I guess sometimes I'm not because if he ask him what he said, I couldnt remember cause I wasnt really listening to him. I know I'm not perfect and need to work on some times about myself, but if I do and he is still talking to other women, I'll have to divorce him.


Could you make that a part of the give and take?

As far as him talking to women, do you mean in a sexual way or a way that steals energy from your marriage, or just in general?

draconis


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

draconis said:


> Could you make that a part of the give and take?
> 
> As far as him talking to women, do you mean in a sexual way or a way that steals energy from your marriage, or just in general?
> 
> draconis


Talking that steals energy from our marriage. I have changed something. If I'm on the computer and he comes in and starts talking, I close it up and look at him while talking. I dont interrupt (I think I was doing that alot). I just be quiet and let him talk. 

I'm having a major problem with the lack of affection issue. He won't touch me. At night, he sleeps far to the side of the bed. Its like we are best friends who live in the same house. A few weeks ago I went over to the couch, kissed him briefly on the lips a couple of times and he responded. When I leaned over again to kiss longer with tongue, he threw me off him. It broke my heart. We talked about it immediately and he apoligized but the damage was done. Because of that incident, I'll never take the initiative for showing affection again. 

But he said he was sorry and didnt mean to make me feel like he didnt want to be close to me. He was "just startled". I still cant touch him first. Just cant do it.

Is it possible that he wants out of the marriage, but wants me to take action first?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds more that he is confused about you and the marriage. People (men in general) have a way of bottling things up and thinking they are going to fix themselves or the answers are going to come to them. Communication is the key. You have made the first steps. Now it is time to get him involved. Let him know that you can tell something is on his mind, deeper then what he is telling youm and that it is important that you two get it in the open and resolved.

draconis


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