# Layers so deep....



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thats what they are. Layers. Transgressions so stifled and pushed out of the thought processes simply to be able to get up in the morning. I had three pages written, and each topic I mulled over revealed another deeper layer of hurt I had buried. To the point that I couldnt even touch the point of the whole thing.
Marriage counseling.. paying for some professional to tell your wife the exact same thing you are saying, but wont be respected enough to listen to. Attempting to compete with her lavish lifestyle on a cash only basis, when she sees no issue with destroying our credit by taking vacations on, and shopping sprees on credit cards. 
Another 401k loan should bring them back under their limits she says, because "she just cant "Do Nothing", in regards to our massive accumulation of debt, as if the suggestion of taking a real account of her spending was "outrageous to ask".
Being then, regarded as the controlling a-hole instead of practicing any self governance, and maturity.why am I still putting up with it? Becuase I dont have the money to do anything at all about it. Lawyers will eventually want money. a Marriage Counselor will too, but thats depending on whether or not I can ever stand to get past the deceit and lies. She put my face on her own conscience, and attributed her guilt to me being a controlling daddy to her, always trying to tell her what to do, as opposed to in reality, the questions I had about "how could you do those things?". But now a third party has been allowed to stroke her ego, to fill her needs to be found attractive, as my own constant affections and attention has simply become a "given". 
Another "girls only" vacation came and went, and she texted me about how she had overspent. I gave her 200.00, the last remaining funds I had from an income tax return, so she could pay the minimum payments on her 3 out of 7 credit cards. At some point, I too, have to get out of my own debt, that I racked up paying for tires for the car, fixing the heater this past winter, and Wal-Mart clothes so I dont look like a shabby person at my job, and well, maybe theres been times I didnt want to look like a cheapskate when my wife didnt buy everything on my kids birthday list. Did we really need to buy the 1000.00 washer and dryer, or was it you who stormed off in the middle of the store when I showed the slightest hesitancy to investing so much in what is now 2 years later a broken one? The 300.00 washer and 200.00 dryer would have at least lasted just as long, and you didnt need to buy the highefficiency soap either...
Darn, another car repair. No, dont ask them to do an oil change, I will do that myself. "I went ahead and had them do the oil change, it was only 150.00". 
And then the "friend" from facebook came into our lives...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I want to sit on your lap.
Why dont you go sit on Mommys lap?
Shes busy.
(Mommy: "Plus, shes almost as big as I am now, you have more of a lap for her to sit on".)
My attempt was to get more meaningful interaction between them. Easily shrugged off as meaningless.
I welcomed her onto my lap, and we watched Open Season 2 together. 
At least this time, while my wife was on the computer, she didnt threaten to leave to the bedroom, if we were going to choose to watch something other than what she had on the t.v. You see, it didnt matter she was busy on the computer, she had selected a show on t.v. to put it on. WE, my daughter and I, were supposed to either watch that, or mommy would punish us by going into the room and removing her presence.
---layers.....


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

We need to talk.
I havent felt like I have loved you for awhile now.
We want different things. We seem to be living a seperate life.
(But I dont understand, you just gave me a birthday card saying that you know you dont show it often, but you love me deeply)
I know, I just dont know what I want. You are more like a brother to me now
(OMG, a brother? Look, I know we havent been intimate in years, I just dont subscribe to the whole "wifely duty" b.s, I know you have had issues in your past and have even told me that pressuring you is pushing you away)
Well, I am always interested, I am just not the type to "initiate".
(You used to be, it seemed like you never had a problem when we first got together, Plus, I feel like because of your past, I am making you do something you dont really want to, and therefore am not really desired. I need to feel desired too.)
I dont know. I just know that I am all screwed up, and its not fair to you.
(Dont worry about me, Part of my promise in front of everyone ten years ago was to stand by you in sickeness and in health, if this stands a chance, I stand by my promise to you, becuase I love you)

---> The week following I happened to check the cell phone bill and saw over 100 text messages between my wife and an old "friend" from high school. This happened on the day before I got this "talk".


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

WOW! I could have written that with very few changes. Controlling, "pressuring" for sex, online lover over time with kids (I watch them all day), etc.

How do things get so out of whack?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

so I moved away for a few days. which really REALLY hurt my daughter. I called once to say goodnite to her and she was crying before she even got on the phone, asking me "when are you coming home daddy?"
The next day I texted my wife asking if we could try to work things out. she said she couldnt promise anything and couldnt deal with the expectations. I said I wouldnt expect anything but still wanted to try. She agreed, and the next day, I moved in. She said she didnt sleep with the guy, and "Im sorry". Youre sorry for hurting me or sorry that it happened? "Im sorry this happened". (geee thanks). 
so we go about our daily routine. every time she picks up the phone my heart drops into my stomach. "Who are you talking to?" I want to scream. as if an answer would quell my suspicion. That damn cell phone. Glued to her face every moment her hands are free. Her girlfriends decided the best thing to do would be to set up a meeting between her and this OM. to see if there was anything there, and to show whether or not he was just full of b.s. She declined to go, but I found out later that she had met him by herself for lunch. And then in talking to HER mom who now lives with us as well due to her own financial inability to function, her mom explained an entirely different meeting between them. 
Then my wife separated the cell phone plan putting mine on my own name, becuase it wasnt "fair" for her FB game charges to be paid for out of the household account for bills. This incidently also removed my ability to see if she was still in contact with the OM. (as if she didnt know)
this is all coming to a head, and I find myself unable to do anything about it. My daughter absolutely needs me. I dont want her to be raised predominantly by my wife and my wifes mother!! NEither of them have shown any capacity to show affection or maturity beyond their own selfish wants.

Be a man trying to get out of debt, with a wife having twice as much personal debt, and being viewed as a wallflower becuase going out all the time is too expensive, but then having your wife go out anyways without you, even on vacations to other states with her girlfriends, and you find yourself trying to compete with her good times. Look honey, Im not a wallflower! I can show you a good time! 
Exhausting every small amount of money leftover after sending out the bills. 
She earns more than I do, which is no big deal to me and I am proud of her for doing well. But I dont make her responsible for the debts that I personally have incurred. Even if some of them were to pay for "household" fixes and repairs. I too have a 401k that I thought we would eventually combine together to retire on, but she is racking her debts up, and then at the end of the year taking a loan out of hers to just barely get her cards under the limits. 
The excuses I have heard:
"Well, Im just not a very affectionate person" (so like it or leave it)
"Well, Im interested most times, Im just not the type to initiate it."
"Look, I am just ALWAYS going to be in debt".

----The future looks so bright.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

The layers can also be described as an iceberg. There is much, much, much, much more under the surface than above the surface. As I was told when I first came here, buckle up. It's going to be a rough ride. I've been told to never leave the house. It is tempting, especially when the cheating spouse refuses to leave. IF the house is only in your name, I believe you can legally kick her out. In my case, it is in both or our names. Take some time to breath. Work out. Spend time with your daughter. Slow down. Don't tell your wife too much. Take some time reading on this site. It is full of advice. Also, marriagebuilders.com and affaircare.com. 

You are not alone. It's amazing how similar your story is to mine. The background you discussed is eerily similar.

Take it one day at a time. That's what I keep telling myself.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really feel for you. I have been in your shoes and still am. I have been living in this nightmare since 2006. Although I have nothing left, I still find myself in court a lot now because of the unpaid creditors. 

I did learn many valuable things along the way. First, move back in your house. Your wife is the cheater; she can move out. Separate your finances and do not bail your wife out of her financial mess. Create a budget and stick to it. Don't equate love with money. A person like your wife and my husband will drain a loyal spouse dry. There will never be enough money to satisfy their cravings. Giving them every dime they ask for will not make them love you more.

Don't worry about being labeled as "controlling" because you put your foot down on the spending. Same goes for the affair. Put your foot down there too. I wished I had endorsed the "controlling" label back in 2006. Being nice and allowing the cheating and spending only caused more agony.


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