# Connection or Not



## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Many times when couples first get together "sparks fly", you feel alive and vibrant, embracing together what may lay ahead. However, after the trials and tribulations of life, you may notice things change. These are personal reflections, please feel free to add or comment.

For me I think at first I became complacent. In order to "keep the peace" I went along with things that I necessiarly didn't agree with or may have felt could have been delt with a different way etc. In the begining, I thought this was compromizing, I was wrong. In some occasions, I lost part of myself.

Actions speak louder than words. As time has passed and now with some reflection, I know I had disconnected myself from the relationship. After years of trying to meet him on the dance floor I stepped off. We became more like roommates with benefits (with no intimatcy). I was less concerned about his feelings or well being and more concerned with my children and just exisisting. I read some place that when a woman states "it is a little to late" she is speaking the truth. 

Nevertheless, during this time, I think I have lost who I was. I was/am unhappy with who i have become and want better, to be happy. However, in order to be happy with someone else, one has to be happy with one's self, first.

I apologize for jumping around. 

Connection for me was more emotional than tangiable. He was working out of town commuting everyday. I tried to explain to him that his family needed him at home and that a cut in pay was worth it, to have his "time" for his family. A woman can only beg and plead for so long. Another example, i wish he would have gone that extra step, put some thought into his actions, make me feel special. I tried to do special things to show I was going above and beyond for him, because I loved him. 

Lastly, do not and I repeat do not allow the mother-in-law to live with you for an extended period of time. This was my biggest mistake, I never felt like the woman of the house. Sorry guys, but your wife does need/want to feel more important than your mother. Rather than stand my ground, I withered away.

Anyway, enough for now...just my thoughts....it has helped just to write them down, which is a real first for me....thanks for listeing.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira ~ Awesome piece!

I want to have the time to honestly reflect on this because it struck a nerve with me on so many levels. It will be about two hours before I can really say how. But know this I was moved by your post.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> Connection for me was more emotional than tangiable. He was working out of town commuting everyday. I tried to explain to him that his family needed him at home and that a cut in pay was worth it, to have his "time" for his family.


I was much like this once too.

During my first marriage I worked all the time. My first wife had said she wanted to stay home like her mother had done. I thought I was stepping up to the plate by bringing home good money for the family.



> A woman can only beg and plead for so long.


Unlike you my first wife had never complained she just got lonely cheated on me and lied about it. One day I caught her and a friend of mine.

Funny thing was we still had a good sex life.

After the divorce I made two adjustments in my life. I found a women more independent and I worked much less and did much more with my family. I was a much happier person too. My wife and I make time and days to be together and do things. The grand parents help by taking the kids so we have alone time.

As a side note I still get alone with my ex-wife fine. She is a good person I just knew that things would never be the same. 

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

I am a very strong personality type. However, first and foremost I am a woman first. Sometimes the "strength" over shadows, the tenderance inside that needs attention. I am confident (especially after last night) that my marriage is over. Now, I need to learn to grow my own emotions through love, compasion and respect of myself, before I can even begin to think about getting envolved with someone else. (the anger part is starting to set in regarding his affair and I don't want to say/do anything in haste).


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I wish you the best, and hope that things go well for you.

Please keep us informed and you always have friends here to talk to or talk things through.



> Iam a very strong personality type. However, first and foremost I am a woman first.


Out od sheer curiousity what exactly did you mean by this?

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Sometimes I have the tendency to love harsh or cold as a matter of survival. I have come a long way in my 30 somthing years. Nevertheless, there is still a soft passionate, tender woman inside that wants those particular needs met. Passion for a woman is a strong and controlling emotion, physically and as part of her make-up. Personally, it is the intellectual passion that procceeds the physical, however, ulitmately the goal is to have both.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Thank you for the clarification. You seem to have a great strength to you that I believe will serve you well in you life.

Do you and your husband have kids?

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

We have four children ranging in age 7 to 17, however, only three are at home now. I have discussed the situation with the older two and they know the whole story. However, the 12 & 7 year old do not. I have considered moving out of state and the two older ones at home want to stay here, I was told "him" I would take the youngest with me. Right now I'm trying to make sure what I do will have the least impact on my children.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Is he a good father at least?

draconis


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

From my 40 years of experience in life and love...... I personally have found that women find great satisfaction in relationships (family, friends, kids, love) while men seek satisfaction in work.

Some times no one wins here for both partners are rarely on the same path together, let alone at the same time.


 - :scratchhead:


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Doubt&Wonder said:


> From my 40 years of experience in life and love...... I personally have found that women find great satisfaction in relationships (family, friends, kids, love) while men seek satisfaction in work.
> 
> Some times no one wins here for both partners are rarely on the same path together, let alone at the same time.
> 
> ...


Even though science would say that women can easier get close to relationships because of the chemicals they produce during child birth, breast feeding and female orgasm, the fact is there are plenty of men tha are just as attached to family.

I for one raise my family, I do the house work, the cooking and raising the kids. I think that the perception of social propels a self defeating attitude towards stay at home dads and men that really put into relationships.

draconis


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

kajira said:


> Many times when couples first get together "sparks fly", you feel alive and vibrant, embracing together what may lay ahead. However, after the trials and tribulations of life, you may notice things change. These are personal reflections, please feel free to add or comment.
> 
> For me I think at first I became complacent. In order to "keep the peace" I went along with things that I necessiarly didn't agree with or may have felt could have been delt with a different way etc. In the begining, I thought this was compromizing, I was wrong. In some occasions, I lost part of myself.
> 
> ...


i sympathise, empathise... and feel odd reading your post, because it feels like i'm reading about myself. with the only difference that my marriage is still very very young and that i have the possibility to change things now, before they get out of hand.
i find your strength inspiring... and i hope that i will be able to find that kind of strength in myself once again, just the time for my wounds to heal.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

fire_vogel said:


> i sympathise, empathise... and feel odd reading your post, because it feels like i'm reading about myself. with the only difference that my marriage is still very very young and that i have the possibility to change things now, before they get out of hand.
> i find your strength inspiring... and i hope that i will be able to find that kind of strength in myself once again, just the time for my wounds to heal.


You have come across today as a very strong and intelligent women. I hope things do change for the better for you. You have the right idea of trying to fix it before it gets out of hand. 

draconis


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

draconis said:


> Even though science would say that women can easier get close to relationships because of the chemicals they produce during child birth, breast feeding and female orgasm, the fact is there are plenty of men tha are just as attached to family.
> 
> I for one raise my family, I do the house work, the cooking and raising the kids.



You are so right....... and my older brother is one of those Men just like YOU - that is why I NEVER say "ALL" when talking in general statements, but rather I like to say "a lot" or "most" this way it leaves room for the others (male or female) that do not fit into the average mold.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Doubt&Wonder said:


> You are so right....... and my older brother is one of those Men just like YOU - that is why I NEVER say "ALL" when talking in general statements, but rather I like to say "a lot" or "most" this way it leaves room for the others (male or female) that do not fit into the average mold.


Thank you and good for your brother, we need more men to come into the 21st century.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

There are not enough men in the world like the ones described previously. Not all men are as diligent in accepting their responsiblities and learning to appreciate how much their signifigant others truly adore those "little" things that they do. I have a male friend who is Mr. Fix it and his wife could care less. She doesn't know how lucky she is........


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

draconis said:


> You have come across today as a very strong and intelligent women. I hope things do change for the better for you. You have the right idea of trying to fix it before it gets out of hand.
> 
> draconis


thank you, your words give me the courage i need to move in the right direction.

@ kajira... it is true that sometimes some people tend to focus on what they DON'T have rather than what they DO have. and sometimes what they DO have, can give them reasons to be happy.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

fire_vogel said:


> @ kajira... it is true that sometimes some people tend to focus on what they DON'T have rather than what they DO have. and sometimes what they DO have, can give them reasons to be happy.


to continue............sometimes it is "a little to late".........they realize what they had only after it is gone......


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira said:


> Many times when couples first get together "sparks fly", you feel alive and vibrant, embracing together what may lay ahead. However, after the trials and tribulations of life, you may notice things change. These are personal reflections, please feel free to add or comment.
> 
> For me I think at first I became complacent. In order to "keep the peace" I went along with things that I necessiarly didn't agree with or may have felt could have been delt with a different way etc. In the begining, I thought this was compromizing, I was wrong. In some occasions, I lost part of myself.
> 
> ...


I have thought and thought about this post and wanted to go back to the original because something inside of me was screaming out.

As some know I own a business (a store). I treat that much like my marriage. Every few months I see where things are and change it up a bit. I get in new product. Clean away the old dirt and move things around.

Now how is that like a marriage? good question.

I have to admit I have fallen into the trap of the mundane from time to time. Nothing is worse then that rut, of the same or less sex at the usual time and place and way. The same time together eating the same food. Greeting each other in a numb sort of way because you just always do.

Everyone in a while the relationship or marriage needs a real curveball. If you let yourself fall into the mundane then that is where you will be. Over time it is boring thus the relationship will seem boring and as if you know what to expect.

The customers that come to my store but once a month are always surprised. Everything is always different. Oh look at this I never knew you carried this. No matter how the place is arranged I am always told how nice it is and how much better it looks. To me it is just a bit different.

But in my marriage that spark has always been there because neither I nor my wife lets it die. When ever we start to lose that edge one or the other will do or say something to spark a whole new life to the marriage.

Don't settle for boring. Make it wonderful.

draconis


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