# lost and confused



## whatwillbe (Nov 27, 2010)

I posted this before (under the name love4ever) but I forgot my password. I'm not sure if it was on a different site, but I think I told the story wrong cos the only advice I got was that my wife has someone else. 

We've been together nearly 11 years, since we were teens. I'm 28 and Angela is 26 and we have 3 boys, 6, 4 and 2. The passed year I've been really caught up in a business I've been trying to start. I'd get up in the morning and go online at breakfast, and I'd go off-line and to bed hours after her. She started going out more and started drinking, just socially. I never bothered about her going out, and it just meant I was getting more peace to do what I needed to do. 

The only thing we both noticed going wrong was our sex life. I regularly had problems and, sometimes, when I didn't have problems I'd pretend like I did to get out of it. I was also feeling kind of depressed.

In October I went through her phone and discovered she'd been texting a friend of hers, and the texts were dirty. We had a row, and she'd said the texts were a joke between her and another friend, trying to catch this guy out (he's engaged, and with a baby). I promised never to read her phone again, and we seemed fine.

I went through her phone again. There was one message from her to him, and the meaning was ambiguous, but I had a huge row with her. And she with me for reading her phone. We rowed pretty solidly for the next few weeks, with one or other of us threatening to leave every other day. There was one particular day when I said some pretty horrible things to her through text, worse things than I've ever said, calling her a w**** and all the rest. I don't know why, I was just so angry. I said we were over.

We made up. Three weeks ago she asked for “space” to sort her feelings out. 14 days ago she told me we were over, she didn't love me that way anymore, and that she thought of me more as a brother or a friend. 

I was devastated. I went through shock, then I started to question whether I had been in love with her. Truthfully, I hadn't, but this has made me realise how much she means to me, and has made me fall in love with her all over again.

She's told me I don't have to move out until after Christmas, for the kid's sakes. So for the passed 2 weeks I've done all the housework, I've ran her baths for getting in after her work, I've complimented her, and I've spent time with her away from the kids. And this is where I'm getting confused.

She keeps asking me to rub her back, her leg, etc. When she said I was very “touchy” I pointed out I hadn't touched her in a week except when she had asked me to. 

Some nights she sleeps on the couch. Some nights I sleep on the couch. Every night I'm supposed to sleep on the couch, we end up sharing a bed because I make her feel bad (I don't do anything). 

We go out together – we played pool, we went to a friends, we had breakfast in a cafe. She seems to be enjoying these days out together. We're going Christmas shopping today to a nearby city we used to go to on day long dates when we started dating. We might be going ice skating.

I recently facebooked an ex girlfriend and we've been texting. My wife hates her on principle (she says it isn't jealousy, she just hates her for no reason). The texts we were sending got slightly flirty (innocently, my wife is my world) and my wife read my messages and flipped out – then calmed completely down and said we were fine. I'm sure she is jealous.

My wife recently met an old school friend in the pub. They went out for a drink, and are going out again, but she has reassured me 6 times today alone that there is nothing in it.

The other day she told me 4 times that she wouldn't change her mind (we played pool that night). The next day she told me twice she wouldn't change her mind. I told her it's okay, I was fine with it, and did she expect me to be devastated forever; she burst into tears and said I was being mean. 

That night we cuddled on the couch, watched a dvd, she told me I was like a brother to her, and we spent the night cuddling in bed.

She says she doesn't want to try and bring the love back. She doesn't want anyone else (her best friend told me that she has said to her that she isn't even wanting fun with other guys) she just wants to be on her own. She gives me a row every time I compliment her (even on things that you would say to a friend). She doesn't want me to try. She says there is no chance she will change her mind, then says if she changes her mind it will be a shock to both of us. She said (about 4 weeks ago) that I'd be better with someone else and I'd forget all about her but when I said she might be depressed she went mad. I suggested counselling but she doesn't think relationships can be fixed from the outside. 

She's told all her friends about us. 

I get the feeling this isn't what she wants. I get the feeling she is almost trying to “mute” all her emotions. She's been acting a bit like a robot. I can't just tell her I love her, or give her a kiss, because that will push her away. I need to get her to realise that she wants to be with me (if she does – but I'm sure she does) but I have no idea how to do that. 

Oh, and one last thing – she's really started eating. Like one night (when we played pool) she had 2 dinners, and the next night she had a dinner, then started a biscuit but left it, then started a roll, but left it – I know the first week this all started I felt like my stomach had no bottom, but I don't know if that's how she feels.

The only thing I feel now is lost and confused. Where do I go from here?


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## whatwillbe (Nov 27, 2010)

Okay, so I've had no advice yet. I think I'm on a different timeline to most people here, and it is the weekend. Okay, so last night she stayed with a friend. She has been staying there a lot - the friend is a single mum who just had a baby by section and Angela has been helping with the night feeds. 

She went there straight after her work. She texted me to tell me she was there. I replied OK. She texted me to give the kids a kiss from her, and to tell me goodnight. Again I said OK, and pointed out the kids were sleeping.

I waited a while, and texted her to tell her I'd told my dad about us, and it was fine for me to move in in January. She phoned me, asking what I said, what he said, etc, and didn't sound very happy.

I know there isn't an affair, but I figured last night I'd try some elements of the 180... the not chasing, not pleading, etc. So last night I kept my texts short and to the point when about us, and I pretty much only texted in reply. 

She texted me at 3am to say the night feeds were stressing her out. She texted me at 11 to say she was just up and wouldn't be home till after work (10pm). We talked about the weather (it's deep snow) and her work (the heating is broke) and I was fully communicative about these safe subjects. 

Again I only texted in response.

I phoned her at 1, got no answer so hung up. She phoned me back and I asked something pointless about the house (ok, I gave in; this is hard) and she asked me if I'd be moving stuff through to my dad's before Christmas. I didn't commit to an answer.

She turned up before her work (even though she'd said she wouldn't) and as soon as she was in started asking if I was ok with her, if everything was fine. I kept to my "ok" answers basically. Her excuse to come home was to get her wellies. She works in a shop and parked further from our house than from the shop, and she'll be inside all day. 

I think she came home to see if I was okay. 

Oh, and she asked her friend to babysit so we can go out Christmas shopping (even though there's nothing left to buy, we're just going to spend a day together).

So, do I continue with my stripped down version of the 180?
Do I give her back my wedding ring?
And please, please could someone tell me what you actually mean when you say "improve yourself?" Is that like reading a self help book, joining a gym or what?


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Your wife is very confusing. One minute she is happy about leaving and the next she is hooking back up with you. What is the draw to leaving? Does she think she is missing out on something, does she take you so for granted that she can no longer appreciate you?

She is searching for 'something', I just can't figure what it is...a woman that would leave a good man and disrupt her children for her own selfish whims is very foolish. To the extreme. It's like she has no idea what she is doing, what she will be putting others through because she is a selfish, self absorbed person right now.

The anger you must feel is understandable. I would sit her down and explain to her, that if this is really what she wants but just know that what she is putting you and the children through is vile, it's selfish and your kids will be paying for her whims for years. They may never be able to form and sustain long term relationships in their adult years. If she has no regard for them, then fine. You'll be there for them while she worries on herself.

She thinks she is getting away scot free, but that is nothing of the truth. She'll pay at some point, she'll wake up someday but it might be too late to repair the damage she is doing.

Do you have a home church? They have counselors that help families work through these things. Look and see if there is a Calvary Chapel in your area. They are excellent.


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## whatwillbe (Nov 27, 2010)

Thank you Applepies. I am not angry, actually - I'm not an angry person; that one time I spoke about was very traumatic to both of us. About 9 or 10 years ago my wife was very violent to me. I ignored it as I could, being very much a man who does not hit women.

At some point I snapped, and would pin her down when she became violent. That didn't work, so I began just pushing her away. One day I pushed her and her head hit the wall. She stopped hitting me then, and cried. After that she would hit me, I would hit her harder to make her stop.

And then she just stopped hitting me, but I couldn't stop. I hit he when she was pregnant with both our older children. I was in a dark place and with my wife's help I came through it. There was been no violence for six years. 

That has no bearing on this but it might explain why I'm not angry. I'm hurt, I don't believe her when she says she doesn't love me. I'm confused, I'm lost. 

The things she says make no sense. I think she doesn't know what she wants but she has picked the easiest route. She says she can't consider the children in her decision because she can't stay in an unhappy marriage forever. But I didn't think we were unhappy.

She says the children will benefit from this, getting more quality time with each of us. Reading the life after divorced thread I can see this makes sense, but surely they get more from us being together? 

She told me that because we got together so young we have always been "us," and she wants to find "her," that she feels she missed out on going out when she was younger (I've never stopped her - the only thing she missed out on was other guys, and she says she doesn't want them).

She makes plans with me to decorate the house. 

Unfortunately, Applepies, we are not Church people, and I would not feel good going to a church just for the free councelling. 

I have recently realised that all my friends were "our" friends, and now they are all (except 1) very much "her" friends and I would appreciate some input in how to make some new friends as i have no idea what I'm doing. With anything, really. 

Thank you.


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## whatwillbe (Nov 27, 2010)

Oh, one more thing. She told me getting back with me would feel like "moving backward" and she feels her life must "move forward." I have no idea what that means.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Anger is not a bad emotion but unhealthy ways of dealing with it can be turning it inward versus outward. The body acts outs in physical illness, diseases spring from not letting us feel things. You may have learned to not be outwardly angry but inwardly, it can become depression.

Please don't dismiss the idea of church so readily. The counseling is a benefit but giving your children a chance to learn about love and forgiveness, to learn about how they were planned and dearly loved by the Creator, could be a huge blessing to them right now. It would be a place of strength for you too, as you open your heart to that small voice that can guide you. It might not be bad for your searching wife to learn God's plan for marriage and may fill that empty yearning space in her heart. 

Children do best with a mom and dad. A model of a respectful loving couple is the best present you can ever give them.


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## whatwillbe (Nov 27, 2010)

Thank you for your advice, Applepies. I am not just dismissing church out of hand, i just know it isn't for me. But thank you for your concern.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Of course, it's a personal choice. I'll respect your wishes.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

By move forward is she is thinking about dating, she is thinking that there are all these wonderful men out there that will pursue her and make her feel alive.

At least, that's what most women are thinking when they get married young and feel like they missed out. They start getting bored with the hum drum of everyday life. They start yearning for care free days and boyfriends that take them out on the town. That sort of thing.

It's a fantasy. She's throwing away something solid for something that doesn't exist. No man will EVER care for her children as much as their biological dad, in fact, mr. new will resent them and they will feel it. She'll be torn between pleasing mr. new and the children.

Just really sad what she thinks is waiting for her out there and what truly exists out there.


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## whatwillbe (Nov 27, 2010)

I've been on the marriage builder site, and the case studies and so on describe her perfectly. According to Dr Harley she is in withdrawal - it's not that she's not in love with me, it's that she has erected barriers.

She feels lonely in the marriage, and we fight all the time. (fought). She will feel lonely out of the marriage but there won't be fighting.

However, for the sake of the kids, she wants us to stay friends, and so hasn't erected full barriers. Which should make bringing the barriers down a bit easier.

I just have to remind her why she fell in love with me. Would help if I new, lol.

Last night she came home from work and we talked for 40 mins, just small talk. The great thing was it felt natural and easy. Today the kids were snowed off school, and I went out for a bit. When I came home we had lunch and chatted, then tidied up, talking as we did. Truthfully, today was the first time I've felt like part of a couple in months. I had a great day.

Before my wife went to work tonight she said she hadn't been looking forward to the kids being off, because they can be a handful (our oldest has ADHD) but that she'd had a really good day. I don't think she's giving me much credit for that, yet, but baby steps.

We will be spending all day thursday together xmas shopping in the city we used to go to on dates when we first got together, even though she has admitted there's pretty much nothing to buy. 

I can see hope, but I hope I'm not staring at the distant hope so much I get blind-sighted by an oncoming train. I intend to take every day, every minute in December as it comes, and have a great month. Either my marriage will end with a month of memories I will treasure forever, or my marriage will reignite with a month of memories I will treasure forever. Either way, it won't end in bitterness, fighting, or cheating like so many marriages do. 

Applepies, thank you for your advice. I don't think it is the reality of what she is "chasing" right now that consumes her, but rather the reality of what she is "fleeing." I had been naively content in my marriage but, in retrospect, I don't think I'd have lasted as long as she did if the shoe was on the other foot. Now it's up to me to win her back, if I can.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

:smthumbup: I love that marriage builders site. Really good info there. The love bank and the love buster theories make a lot of sense.


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