# Married with 0 sex life



## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I am new here and so happy that I found this website. 

I married a man that originally low testosterone and never have a high sex drive (never get very HC) in the beginning. We married 12 years now, we had sex may be less than 20 times, and stop having it about 6.5 years ago. And sex was just so so since his C never gets hard enough.

He now going to the gym 7 days a week. All he said I’m so tired, my shoulders so sore, and all stuff that he wanted I compliment him about he works so hard at the gym. I ignored and sad deep inside.

He just started to go gym less than a year ago, I thought he wanted to boost his hormone so that we can have some sex life. No! It seemed he just want to go to the gym to get in shape and complaining he is tired.

My heart is so painful and lost all the confidence even I am very in shape and 10 years younger and still attractive guys still turn heads. I am 5.2’ and 115lbs with a toned body. I lift weight for 4 years now. I have 19% body fat. 

When he is home (since pandemic he is home nearly 24 hours a day except for use some time for working out). All he does besides working is watching TV or play video games. He will only come to bed when he needs to sleep.

I am still going to school once I finished and I started to work I will ask him for a divorce I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I am worried I will get heart disease. I read some article it said if we are sad or lonely and our heart hurt if this happens too long you may get heart disease. 

I wrote him a letter and told him about this many times he ignored. We have kids together. 

If we don’t I would leave him maybe 10 years ago.

He always thinks he works so hard and yet he is and also a good dad. He just doesn’t want to give any afford in our marriage life. I watched porn from time to time. 

Thanks for reading 🙏🏻


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If you settle for less, you will get less. If you want more, then replace him with a man or men who are sexually functional.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

First don't worry about the heart disease in and of itself. What depression (not clinical per se) does is lower your body's ability to fight off things it normally could. So yeah, worry about getting sick, but not about any one thing specifically. Focusing on one might cause you to miss signs of something else.

You simply need to lay it on the line for him. A good marriage for you includes sex on some kind of regular basis. If he cannot provide this, you either need an open marriage or a divorce, depending on what he and you are able to handle. Your husband could well be asexual, meaning that he has no real _sexual _attraction for anyone, although he can still have a _romantic _attraction, as seems to be the case in your situation. Does he still do anything for you non-sexually?


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

He does help with the kids, cooking, and some house chores and writes me a card to tell me how much he loves me, and gave me some gifts. 

No romantic time and sometimes for both of us. All he does for years after the kids go to bed he is in the media room, watching TV or playing video games. He is about 50 years old. 

He starts to go gym less than a year ago and now he goes to the gym 7 days a week. He always complains he is so tired and his body sore from working out. He wanted me to compliment he works so hard at the gym. 

He is not cheating, he work from home and stay at home almost 24 hrs - gym times.

I wrote him a long letter about what I need and a few years ago we talked and he said he will start to eat good and workout to boost my hormone, but nothing change. 

I am very lonely even we have kids. I don't have friends or socialize and I don't need, or I need is some attention from him to show that he still want me as a wife. But it seemed we are together just as parents and roommates like. 




maquiscat said:


> First don't worry about the heart disease in and of itself. What depression (not clinical per se) does is lower your body's ability to fight off things it normally could. So yeah, worry about getting sick, but not about any one thing specifically. Focusing on one might cause you to miss signs of something else.
> 
> You simply need to lay it on the line for him. A good marriage for you includes sex on some kind of regular basis. If he cannot provide this, you either need an open marriage or a divorce, depending on what he and you are able to handle. Your husband could well be asexual, meaning that he has no real _sexual _attraction for anyone, although he can still have a _romantic _attraction, as seems to be the case in your situation. Does he still do anything for you non-sexually?


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

We have none 6.5 years we never intimate or hug, he stop kissing 8-9 years ago. He has never have a high sex drive or real hard enough. 




Personal said:


> If you settle for less, you will get less. If you want more, then replace him with a man or men who are sexually functional.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No hugs, no kisses, no sex. That’s a rough way to live.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

He will come to bed after watching TV or games when he is really tired. Once he is on the bed either read a few minutes or sleep immediately while my heart is hurt so bad and sleeping with the tears. 



Evinrude58 said:


> No hugs, no kisses, no sex. That’s a rough way to live.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He won’t even snuggle with you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you tried to go down, he’d push you away?
I’d just be honest with him and tell him your intentions and follow through. 
Tell him you can find a roommate anywhere, but want a husband who wants to touch you. But as usual, I must ask: Why did you knowingly marry a man who doesn’t really like sex? Most men do. They’re not hard to find.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

No, he just sleeps through the night by himself with the same bed. 



Evinrude58 said:


> He won’t even snuggle with you?


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

Since we don't have sex anymore I never touch him and I know he won't get any erection. He has very low testosterone since he was young. 

I married him because he was nice and used to give some afford at the beginning of the relationship. 

But most of the time I am the only one who started first. 

I can't do that anymore I felt rejected and I know he will tell me I'm tired. 




Evinrude58 said:


> If you tried to go down, he’d push you away?
> I’d just be honest with him and tell him your intentions and follow through.
> Tell him you can find a roommate anywhere, but want a husband who wants to touch you. But as usual, I must ask: Why did you knowingly marry a man who doesn’t really like sex? Most men do. They’re not hard to find.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

If he's hitting the gym, it may be because he's trying to look good for another woman...It almost sounds like he's just "bored" of you....He's blowing you off, because it doesn't matter to him anymore...If it did, he would be doing something about his limp noodle...There are a multitude of options there...

I didn't hear mention of kids, so if I were you, this is a relatively easy break...This will likely never improve, unfortunately....It sounds like he just doesn't care, or is checked out emotionally/physically but is just too lazy to do anything about it...Nagging him wont do you any good..

Just as an aside, don't worry about dying from the heartache...Its not a good place to be in, and can lead to a variety of unpleasant and unhealthy conditions, but it wont specifically give you cardiomyopathy or anything...Not that I ever heard of anyway..

Sorry if my response is blunt..I wish you he best.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Itiyou34 said:


> He does help with the kids, cooking, and some house chores and writes me a card to tell me how much he loves me, and gave me some gifts.
> 
> No romantic time and sometimes for both of us. All he does for years after the kids go to bed he is in the media room, watching TV or playing video games. He is about 50 years old.
> 
> ...


This is marriage therapy territory. You both really need to go. There are options for online sessions.

As noted, he could be naturally asexual. If so then there is nothing you can do really as far as his improving. However, if he is low testosterone, that is a medical condition that can be helped. The big thing will be if he is willing to, either the medical or the therapy. If he is not, then you have to choose whether to live with it or not. If you choose to not live with it, then you are back to the options of open marriage or divorce. Age is irrelevant at least at the moment. I am 50 and I am still sexually active. Right now, a lot of the choice is on you. You can given him the options of medical and therapy, but after that, you have to decide.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

Thank you! But I am 100% sure he has nobody! He works from home and only goes out for working out. 

Four years ago I started to go gym myself just want to be in shape after pregnancy I didn't want to look good for others but myself.





hamadryad said:


> If he's hitting the gym, it may be because he's trying to look good for another woman...It almost sounds like he's just "bored" of you....He's blowing you off, because it doesn't matter to him anymore...If it did, he would be doing something about his limp noodle...There are a multitude of options there...
> 
> I didn't hear mention of kids, so if I were you, this is a relatively easy break...This will likely never improve, unfortunately....It sounds like he just doesn't care, or is checked out emotionally/physically but is just too lazy to do anything about it...Nagging him wont do you any good..
> 
> ...


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I asked him to go see a doctor maybe 9 years ago he insisted he needs to work on diet and start to exercise it might help.

I don't know how long I can take in a situation like this. 

I want to divorce him so bad I have to wait till I can work. If I don't have kids I would leave him after the first year of marriage.

Thank you 




maquiscat said:


> This is marriage therapy territory. You both really need to go. There are options for online sessions.
> 
> As noted, he could be naturally asexual. If so then there is nothing you can do really as far as his improving. However, if he is low testosterone, that is a medical condition that can be helped. The big thing will be if he is willing to, either the medical or the therapy. If he is not, then you have to choose whether to live with it or not. If you choose to not live with it, then you are back to the options of open marriage or divorce. Age is irrelevant at least at the moment. I am 50 and I am still sexually active. Right now, a lot of the choice is on you. You can given him the options of medical and therapy, but after that, you have to decide.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Itiyou34 said:


> I asked him to go see a doctor maybe 9 years ago he insisted he needs to work on diet and start to exercise it might help.
> 
> I don't know how long I can take in a situation like this.
> 
> ...


At this point I would say that your decision is made. You are only waiting on your degree. If such is the case, don't pretend. Sleep in your own room if you can. Don't even try anymore. Live your life and then be on your way. And who knows? Maybe if you are no longer reaching out to him, he'll notice and start behaving.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Has he gone to the doctor for a total workup to see if there's any underlying condition affecting him?


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## JWSully (Nov 29, 2020)

Itiyou34 said:


> I am new here and so happy that I found this website.
> 
> I married a man that originally low testosterone and never have a high sex drive (never get very HC) in the beginning. We married 12 years now, we had sex may be less than 20 times, and stop having it about 6.5 years ago. And sex was just so so since his C never gets hard enough.
> 
> ...


Hi I might be a man like your husband. I am in my early 50s and married for 15 years and have young children. My wife is beautiful, fit and enjoys sex. I have always been attracted to her and affectionate, but my sex drive has dropped off, perhaps due to age, stress and mild depression. Several times I struggled to become aroused and at times she took it personally which made me feel terrible. At times I have tried to look at porn or think about other women to get aroused, but it has not been effective. Recently our marriage broke down and I suspect she may have become involved with someone else. (Now all I want to do is touch her again). We have other issues but I don’t think they are serious ones which can’t be fixed. Your husband sounds like a decent guy so its perhaps worth trying to save your relationship. I wish my wife would have said or wrote to me months (or years) ago: "I'm very unhappy and one reason is your lack of interest in me. I want to see a marriage counsellor to see if we can address this problem before it does permanent damage to our relationship." I saw what was happening, but it never occurred to me that it was going to last or do serious damage to my marriage. I was a fool but also I feel my wife should have said something about this before breaking up our marriage and family. With a new approach or drugs, you may be able revive your sex life and keep your marriage intact.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

JWSully said:


> Recently our marriage broke down and I suspect she may have become involved with someone else.


Well what else was she supposed to do? Seriously any spouse who turns the sex tap off, and expects marital fidelity is barking up the wrong tree.


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## JWSully (Nov 29, 2020)

Pretty simple. Say something and end the marriage before violating your marriage vow. Many things can and do go wrong in a marriage which can be addressed and resolved. Its not just "for better." Unfaithfulness and deceit is for cowards but agree that there many cowards out there.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

JWSully said:


> Pretty simple. Say something and end the marriage before violating your marriage vow. Many things can and do go wrong in a marriage which can be addressed and resolved. Its not just "for better." Unfaithfulness and deceit is for cowards but agree that there many cowards out there.


You violated your marriage by turning the sex tap off, and expecting your wife to suck up celibacy.


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I appreciate that you are sharing the story. 

Last night I sent a text to him about let us have an open marriage. He was so angry. I told him we can do whatever we want just need to make a plan! I don't care what you want to do. Blah blah (we mostly texting even we live in the same house just the first and the second floor)

He came down to bed immediately he asked what do you mean?? I work so hard, helping with kids, and cooking, and...Then I told him I want to sleep!!! Then he just quietly sleep by me.

Today in the morning after he was done with the gym he told me the story about the gym he beat the guy and tried to tell me that he is stronger than him.

Me: ignored like so what??

Then he shut up! 

All he wanted to talk and want me to compliment is about his exercise. 

He doesn't care how lonely I am, what do I need from him. He never touches or kisses or anything as a husband. 

We did love language quizzes, his number one was words affirmative (support), my was physical language. 







July said:


> Hi, I might be a man like your husband. I am in my early 50s and married for 15 years and have young children. My wife is beautiful, fit, and enjoys sex. I have always been attracted to her and affectionate, but my sex drive has dropped off, perhaps due to age, stress, and mild depression. Several times I struggled to become aroused and at times she took it personally which made me feel terrible. At times I have tried to look at porn or think about other women to get aroused, but it has not been effective. Recently our marriage broke down and I suspect she may have become involved with someone else. (Now all I want to do is touch her again). We have other issues but I don’t think they are serious ones that can’t be fixed. Your husband sounds like a decent guy so its perhaps worth trying to save your relationship. I wish my wife would have said or wrote to me months (or years) ago: "I'm very unhappy and one reason is your lack of interest in me. I want to see a marriage counsellor see if we can address this problem before it does permanent damage to our relationship." I saw what was happening, but it never occurred to me that it was going to last or do serious damage to my marriage. I was a fool but also I feel my wife should have said something about this before breaking up our marriage and family. With a new approach or drugs, you may be able to revive your sex life and keep your marriage intact.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> He does help with the kids, cooking, and some house chores and writes me a card to tell me how much he loves me, and gave me some gifts.
> 
> No romantic time and sometimes for both of us. All he does for years after the kids go to bed he is in the media room, watching TV or playing video games. He is about 50 years old.
> 
> ...


I was unsympathetic in my last reply to you. 
He works from home, he is going stir crazy. My wife is also working from home, which means I end up cooping myself up in the office and...going to the gym seven days a week.
He is with you all the time and you rely on him for all your social interaction. Don't. Get out and give him space, he might just need to meet friends, be social etc. Emotionally, we assume that the woman leans on the man. His only respite is the gym.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> I appreciate that you are sharing the story.
> 
> Last night I sent a text to him about let us have an open marriage. He was so angry. I told him we can do whatever we want just need to make a plan! I don't care what you want to do. Blah blah (we mostly texting even we live in the same house just the first and the second floor)
> 
> ...


It makes sense and great you did that quiz. It confirms that neither are getting what you need. 
He is doing his best, even though it is rubbish (best to assume that). He does not get affirmative support and goes to the gym, where he does not get it either. He feels rubbish, alientated and that means no physical language.
You are complaining at him to get your love language atteded to, which is the very opposite of affirmative support. 

All he says is "I am working hard, acknowledge it!". You undermine him.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Itiyou34 said:


> I am new here and so happy that I found this website.
> 
> I married a man that originally low testosterone and never have a high sex drive (never get very HC) in the beginning. We married 12 years now, we had sex may be less than 20 times, and stop having it about 6.5 years ago. And sex was just so so since his C never gets hard enough.
> 
> ...


I have given you a hard time. 
With no sex or physical affection, you should have separated long ago. 
As it is, you have built up resentment for years.
I noticed when I was young, that if I got food for my girlfriend first, she would find it greedy and selfish that I would still be hungry once she had eated. So it is with LD people and sex.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Personal said:


> You violated your marriage by turning the sex tap off, and expecting your wife to suck up celibacy.


His inability is not the same as "turning off the sex tap". That implies a decision to withhold sex as opposed to his body not responding. That doesn't absolve him of the responsibility of communication and seeking medical aid. But it is a serious misrepresentation of the situation.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am very sorry but he is not into you and you have nothing to work with here. He was never a good lover and you haven’t had sex in over 6 years so there is no reason to believe that you will ever get sex from him and no reason to believe that it would be any good if he did suck it up and have sex with you.

Nothing you do or say with matter with him so do whatever you want. 

If you want to divorce, then go for it.

If you want to stay married to him but get your sex and affection needs met elsewhere, go ahead. 

If you want to stay with him and get a vibrator, do it.

You are an adult and he doesn’t want to be with you sexually so whatever you do with your own body and genitalia is none of his business. 

What’s the worst that could happen? He stops having sex with you?????


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

tell him that IF he takes testosterone supplement, it will help him in the gym to build muscles! See if that gets thru his thick head.

if it does not, ask him permission for you to find a lover who cares about your sex life.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Why don’t they just write it into the marriage vows that your penis will never be needed again. Sounds more like it. Save some people some heartache know wha I say’n?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> tell him that IF he takes testosterone supplement, it will help him in the gym to build muscles! See if that gets thru his thick head.
> 
> if it does not, ask him permission for you to find a lover who cares about your sex life.


Aren’t we talking about adults here? 

If someone’s partner hasn’t touched them in years and doesn’t want to be with them intimately, then why should she play Mother-May-I and ask “permission” like a child wanting a candy bar? 

Her sexuality is hers, not his. He has made it clear he doesn’t want it so whatever she does with it is her own business.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

After a year of chronic rejection, all rights and claims to the other person’s sexuality is null and void. 

The rejected party can do whatever they want at that point. No permission slip required.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Aren’t we talking about adults here?
> 
> If someone’s partner hasn’t touched them in years and doesn’t want to be with them intimately, then why should she play Mother-May-I and ask “permission” like a child wanting a candy bar?
> 
> Her sexuality is hers, not his. He has made it clear he doesn’t want it so whatever she does with it is her own business.


Why?

because the basic premise here at TAM is that it is NOT ok to go outside the marriage without asking permission. Once permission is given, it is magically ok to go for it. 

in those cases where permission by a recalcitrant spouse is NOT given for sex...well then the decision is to stay in a sexless marriage or to divorce. 

It is the act of LYING ABOUT IT ALL that destroys the marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> Why?
> 
> because the basic premise here at TAM is that it is NOT ok to go outside the marriage without asking permission. Once permission is given, it is magically ok to go for it.
> 
> ...


Rejecting your spouse for years is what destroys marriages and breaks down the bond.

If they’ve shown through chronic rejection that they don’t want you sexually, then what one does with their own genitalia and their own sexuality is their own business. 

If you reject your spouse indefinitely, you waive your claim to their sexual exclusivity. You have no right to expect sexual exclusivity if you ignore and neglect your partner’s needs and don’t lift a finger to address them. You should have seen it coming.

Reject your partner and ignore their needs, they ‘might’ suck it up and stay with you. And they ‘might’ dump you before pursuing other ventures.

Maybe they’ll play by TAM rules.

But they may also take up with somebody else right under your nose.

That’s the risk you take.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> It is the act of LYING ABOUT IT ALL that destroys the marriage.


Withholding sex has already achieved that, all else after is is moot.

Anyone who withholds sex frequently or always forfeits any right to the niceties of marital fidelity.

If someone wants to divorce over sexual withholding, good for them.

Likewise if someone cheats on their partners and has sex with others behind their spouses back, in the face of sexual withholding, good for them as well.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Cheating is not the answer. OP you want to leave this marriage with your head held high. Get a divorce and find someone who wants to be with you in every way. I've lived the live you're living...it damages you until you're dead inside. Don't let him kill you. 

But, he did come upstairs to talk with you and you wouldn't discuss it face to face you "wanted to sleep." That is not how people solve problems. This is too important a discussion to have via text. You need to calmly tell him that his continued rejection of you is hurting you more than he could possibly imagine. Honestly, he sounds either asexual or gay...ask him outright which one he is? And don't think he can't be cheating at the gym. He could very well be hooking up with someone (man or woman) at the gym...not the first time we've heard of that on TAM. 

I do hope you'll stand up for yourself and get free of this situation though before it damages you so much you can't repair it. Good luck!!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Personal said:


> Withholding sex has already achieved that, all else after is is moot.
> 
> Anyone who withholds sex frequently or always forfeits any right to the niceties of marital fidelity.
> 
> ...


Its kind of like when people refuse their spouse sex and then complain if the denied spouse watches porn. If you don't want sex, why do you care if they are enjoying some visual fun by themselves?


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