# How to be more dominant?



## MrLotus22 (May 21, 2013)

Hi,
My wife of five years wants me to be more dominant in bed. You may have read her thread, SO unsatisfied sexually - very flattering for me. 
We talked a lot recently (you should read her thread for the whole story, her nickname is Lotus22). For many reasons, mainly fear of not being "man enough" for her I started avoiding sex, neglecting her.

She blabbed the whole thing to a friend, including her submission fantasies. The friend repeated everything to a coworker who has a crush on my wife. He wrote her a disgusting email. She was so tuned on by this, she considered having an affair.... But in the end she did not, and admitted everything.

I got mad, and asserted myself like ai never did before. I said I agree I should be more dominant but not only in bed. I will not tolerate anymore mean comments from her, I forbade her to talk to the coworker and the so-called friend ever again ( I would never have used the word forbid before) and demanded she finds a new job. She cried when I told her that, but agreed.

I mean, will I really allow my wife to see a man who wrote her that he will come to our house to bend her over the kitchen counter? 

Do you think it is too much to ask? My wife really loves her job, and it was not easy for her to get it.

We met on a trip in Norway. She is Finnish. She was 22 and I was 31. She left her country and family to live with me. She did not speak English that well. She finished her degree here, learned the language, found a job, but she worked really hard. And she is a great mom. 

Now, what should I try to please her in bed? She told me about her fantasies (being tied up, being taken, even being spanked) and even if I am really turned on, I do not see myself doing that to her....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So...you love her but you don't want to spank her.

Why?

Like, serious question, man. Not being a d-ck or anything. Give her a bit of a heavy hand. It doesn't mean you're gonna hurt her or anything. But...seriously, why the aversion?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How about watching the movie Secretary together with her, for starters?

Also...do you understand that most women want a man to be at least somewhat dominant or rough in bed? We like to be taken roughly and with gusto? It is really very normal. If you read more about it, you will see that many wives desire this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She wants that a$$ smacked, give it a smack!! You've probably got some neckties hanging around in your closet. Tie her up! If that's all she wants and you have the means to do it, why not? Be grateful she's telling you what she wants. When you walk past her in the kitchen, give that butt a smack. Grab her up in your arms and kiss her like you expect her to pass out from it; like she's your woman and she damned well better never forget it. Guys are going to say something sexy or flirty to her once in a while. Make sure she hears it better and more often from you. Just because she's smart, beautiful, and a great mom doesn't mean she can't be your naughty sex vixen behind closed doors.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

It's not _*all*_ about smacking her butt and tying her up with neck ties and having your way with her (though that is part of it). It is about being confident and letting her know that you are in charge. She is your woman and you are so overwhelmed with passion and longing for her that you cannot control your more beastial actions. It's about knowing what you want and taking it. In the middle of having sex, if you want to change positions, don't ask her. Just do it. You don't need to be into BDSM to be dominant. If you want to give her oral, just go down below, spread her legs and go to town. 
But being a bit physical and doing some things that she likely wants will help. Kiss her long, hard and deep. Use your physical strength to actually control the tempo and movements. Bend her over in bed (or in the kitchen). Pin her arms above her head while you ravish her body. Gently tug on her hair with your fingers entwined while you take her from behind.
You do these things and I guarantee that she will be putty in your hands.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Funny but my first wife sprung the same desire as yours is doing now ........ and no we did not divorce due to my lack of " dominating " 

When we first started with her being tied up and me being the Master I literally just placed myself in this role ....... with the mind set that it was me who wanted to do this sexually to her and not for her !!! Doing it for her will show in your actions and may not be as " thrilling ". 

Just put your mind of the scenario and put your " game face " on  ........ and oh ummmmm ENJOY !!! As much as i had to adjust to this ..... i actually started to enjoy it very much and ummmm miss that role ahem ahem !!!


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

You think this guy asks permission or does he just take charge and show her what passion is all about?
As men, you and I might look at this and think "how silly" or "how melodramatic"...but this is a real and burning desire for many women.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I love when my H is dominant in our sex life. When he pins me against the wall and kisses me unexpectedly, when he traps my arms above my head during PIV, one hand pushing my shoulder into the bed when he's behind me. We discovered long ago that this dominant style helps me get in the mood, stop thinking about the kids or work, early on it helped me with my good girl problem. I don't want any serious pain and I certainly don't want him to act like only his pleasure is important, but for me some aggression gets me going more so than butterfly kisses. You might have to talk to your wife and see exactly what her idea of dominant is, she might like a spanking but not any pinning her down, only she knows. Experiment to find something you both like...


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

There is a scene in a 1981 movie Body Heat with Kathleen Turner (when she was hot) and William Hurt. In this scene, they are having sex. It is hot and steamy. They are sweaty and panting. He is behind her pounding away while her face is buried in the bed and she is doing everything she can to hang on and cling to the sheets. The look on her face as her eyes roll back in her head is priceless. Rent this movie, watch that scene and you will know what your wife is looking for.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> There is a scene in a 1981 movie Body Heat with Kathleen Turner (when she was hot) and William Hurt. In this scene, they are having sex. It is hot and steamy. They are sweaty and panting. He is behind her pounding away while her face is buried in the bed and she is doing everything she can to hang on and cling to the sheets. The look on her face as her eyes roll back in her head is priceless. Rent this movie, watch that scene and you will know what your wife is looking for.


Maybe - but I always cringe when I see anyone suggest chasing after scenes from romantic novels or movie scenes.

Lets also not all jump on the bandwagon here and tell the guy to pretend he is something he is not. Hopefully they can work it out, but his lack of excitement over role playing with his wife is just as legitimate as her her opposite view.

Considering this has already gone into the EA stage - you may get better advice in the infidelity forum as to how to proceed here. Seems to me this is a serious issue going a little bit deeper than just 'spank me and Im happy' there is much more going on here.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Lets also not all jump on the bandwagon here and tell the guy to pretend he is something he is not. Hopefully they can work it out, but his lack of excitement over role playing with his wife is just as legitimate as her her opposite view.
> .


She is saying that sex with him is boring. He isn't turning her on and he doesn't seem that into it basically. It's not that different than an HD person saying their LD spouse should be more willing to compromise.


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## MrLotus22 (May 21, 2013)

You made some good points guys.
She admitted about being attracted to another man yesterday, so it is still raw. But I appreciate she told me and did not have an affair. She said she was turned on by the things her co-worker wrote, but in her mind she was doing them with me. Basically, she was miserable that I was neglecting her sexually. 

When she told me she wanted to roughen things up, I admit I was taken aback. I imagined doing those things to her, but never dared. I was brought up beinf told to never manhandle a woman. 

And she said in a way that implied she was always bored with me in bed, so I kind of lost all confidence and started to avoid sex. She then started to say mean things, shaming me for not satisfying her. She did apologized.

I've read some other threads. I did put her on a pedestal, never quite asserting myself and biting back my tongue to avd fights. I was so amazed to have that young, hot and incredibly sexy and attractive Finnish girl to follow me home, I thought I was just so lucky and should be grateful. 

We talked a lot yesterday. She said she was not forced to follow me in the States, that I should have realized she did because she wanted to be with me, and wanted me to be happy and assert myself.

Yesterday I did assert myself, and she complied. She started looking for another job this afternoon. And I confronted that moron, actually punching him... Which is so not like me. 

She said she was impressed. I do see a knew kind of respect in her eyes. 

I will try, hell, I cannot wait to do some of the things suggested here to be more dominant. I guess I assumed I had to do a kind of 50 shades of Grey scenario, and felt overwhelmed. 

She is out tonight with a few girlfriends. She called me when she arrived at the coffe shop, she never did that before. 

I'm waiting for her with a few things in mind...


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## maynsx (May 21, 2013)

i actually started to enjoy it very much and ummmm miss that role ahem ahem !


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Well bud, I'll say this...she's expressed a desire. You may want to listen to her before someone else does, and gives her what she wants. Now, if what she wants is a deal breaker for you, then you need to deal with it from that angle. Some people are just not compatible in bed. BUT, within reason, you're likely going to find that you love "phucking her" every bit as much as she wants you to. Making love is nice. It's great. But there is nothing like giving / receiving a great phucking. It has been my experience that the female orgasm from "making love" is "nice", but the female orgasm from "phucking" can be mind blowing. And, if she is capable, it gets even better when she starts having multiples. If she's capable and hasn't had them yet, doing the above may just give her those multiples! (If that happens, the more she has, the harder and faster you go, until they "blend" into one, long, continuous orgasm.) You want to hear a woman really scream during sex? THAT will usually do it!

All women like to be made love to. MOST of them also want to be "phucked like there's no tomorrow" fairly often. Most of those women are afraid to say it. This is where you, the man comes in. You take the freakin' lead and do it (ESPECIALLY when she has expressed a desire for it). You should not feel (or act) meek about something she wants, that most women want.

Time to start smackin' azz my man. And don't start there, necessarily, but here are some things to try...

When you're "making love", start going faster and harder. Pin her wrists above her head for a bit and kiss her boobs, chest, and neck while you're doing so. Time it right before you think she's getting reasonably close to orgasm. If she's close, this will put her over the edge.

Doing doggy? A well timed smack on the rear can put her right over the edge...fast! Wait until she's really into it and getting near orgasm. Give her a good smack on the butt a few times (not in rapid succession, but rather "in between" when you're grabbing her waist, legs, etc). A good smack a few times spaced about 10 seconds apart. Or just when it FEELS right. There's no "rules" on it...other than don't freakin' smack her so hard it truly hurts!!!

Bend her over the bed, so she's laying chest down, but standing up leaning over the bed (or couch, or kitchen counter). Get behind her and enter her. Start by grabbing her waist and "going to town" (phucking, not "making love"). When she's getting into it, either take her wrists and pin them behind her back (but not so much you're hurting her obviously...don't want to pull a shoulder out of its socket! You're not putting her in an arm lock!), or grab one wrist and hold it and using your other hand grab her by the scruff of the neck.

In any position, grab her hair. Gently at first, by the scruff of her neck. You can start by cradling the back of her neck with your hand while in missionary to gauge how much to do and how she reacts. As she gets into the sex more, and when you think she's not too far away from orgasm, grab a handful at the base of her neck and head, and gently pull. (Grab an "even" handful by intertwining your fingers in her hair...you don't want to pull small bits of hair out of her head! That can hurt, and not in a good way!) The closer she gets, the harder you pull. Act like you have "animal needs" and you "won't let her get away" and are "pulling her into you". Sometimes you're pulling her away from you...sometimes you're using the hair grab to pull her into you for a great kiss....all the while you phuck the hell outta her. 

One of THE BEST things to do with a woman when screwing her in missionary, and you know she's about to orgasm, is to grab the back of her neck, pull her face to you a bit, and look in her eyes. Just grab her at the back of the neck, cradling the neck and base of her head in your hand, look in her eyes, and pull her closer to you...passionately! A little "squeeze" on her neck or hair at the right moment will likely send her right over the edge. 

Give her some bites. On her neck, shoulders, and back when things get hot and heavy. Don't overdo it. Just FEEL the passion and bite when you're feeling like it.

When things get hot and heavy, don't ask to change positions...DO IT. Fairly forcefully (by that I mean gently forcefully. Get "rough" but don't get ROUGH). Get out, flip her over, and enter her again quickly....and start banging away like this is the last azz you'll have for a year and you know it.

Listen man, this is all fun, for both parties. You have to understand, that while we're human, we are also ANIMALS. Sometimes you have to phuck like an animal to connect to our inner, animal nature, and tap into the core instincts that are there. And many women want to know you WANT them that way. Like you NEED them. 

She wants a "man" to "take her". It can be you, or it can be someone else. She has the desire. It's not just going to go away because you're a little uncomfortable with it, and you think "nice girls" shouldn't do those things. You know what? That's what all the "nice girls" have been told they shouldn't do all their lives! And they don't know how to ask for it, and they do want plausible deniability when it happens! Most will "protest" a little bit with a "no" or something like that when you do this. Watch her and learn the difference between "no = oh gawd yes" and when "no = not no but hell no".

After you start to venture into this "phucking" thing a little bit with her, you'll see she likes it. BUT, you will be nervous. Afraid of crossing a line, or hurting her. And you should be nervous...you don't want to do that! So....talk to her and develope a "safe word" with her. A word that she can throw out so that when you hear it, you know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you MUST stop what you're doing. Short of that, a lot of little meek "no's" usually don't mean a whole lot other than that's what her good girl side is telling her she should say. When you can "ignore" that (because you know the safe word and also know when she really means "no"), it gives her, in her mind, an "out" from being "one of those girls". Do you kinda get what I'm getting at there?

Another really cool way to be "dominant" in bed....let's say she's on the verge of orgasm. She wants you to go faster and harder. You don't. You go long, slow, deep, and "intense". Get very passionate, but keep her right on the brink of orgasm, bringing her over the edge sllloooowwwwllly! When she's at the "point of no return" and is in full blown orgasm, then speed things up a little and make it even better. She'll have an orgasm that will blow her mind. 

One more way....you're on top, "slow and sensual", like you're "making love". But this is with a twist... She's having a good time. She wants to touch you. Every time she does, grab her arms and put them back over her head, then release. She'll try to touch you or hug you again. Say "no baby", grab her arms, and put them back over her head...like she's just stretched out, laying on the beach, arms over her head, completely relaxed and daydreaming about what you are actually doing to her. She's almost dream like and detached from what you're doing to her, other than what she feels between her legs. It's almost like a "forced day dream". See? You're being "dominant" without "phucking her" and making her do things she enjoys like crazy. 

And once you get a little more advanced...break out the neckties. Great for blindfolds and / or tying hands!

None of this stuff is "dirty" or crazy. It's what people that are comfortable with each other and trust each other do to please the other.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> She admitted about being attracted to another man yesterday, so it is still raw.


Don't let her see it is "raw". Let her see that you are a man, and you are going to TAKE what is YOURS! TAKE IT! A man does not let someone else "take" their woman. Believe me, this is what she WANTS to see from you.



> When she told me she wanted to roughen things up, I admit I was taken aback. I imagined doing those things to her, but never dared. I was brought up beinf told to never manhandle a woman.


Like I said above...it's the "good girl syndrome". It scares both the girls to be seen as wanting to step out of that....so they need some plausible deniability so they can actually "do it" (that's where you "taking it" comes in), and it scares the "nice guys" who think "she is different...she's a nice girl and wants to make love...nice girls don't like dirty, phucking sex"). Wrong. Nice girls like to get their "brains phucked out" too!

It's not "manhandling a woman". It is tapping into your, and her, animal nature, and just doing things you both want to do...but are too scared to try. Women want men who are "men" and aren't scared or too timid to try it, they do it (as always, within reason...a "real no" means no. Know what that is).


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Be thankful your W is so honest. I tried to figure out what was up with my wife's attitude for well over a year and figured she was having an affair. Everything pointed to it. 

Imagine my surprise when I was snooping her internet history and discovered nothing regarding someone else but endless sites about being dominated and spanked.

Needless to say our entire relationship has gone 360. This is not to say I am now wearing a leather mask and she is in a gimp suit but she does love the spanking and is intrigued by the sensual flogger. Thoroughly enjoys the addition of the vibrator and wonders why I waited for decades to buy coconut oil. 

By the way the insufferable witch I was considering separating from last year has left the building.

You do not have to be a brutal master you just need to keep moving on the track your on. Take the lead sir. I have a feeling you are going to enjoy it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are a man. Your natural condition is to be sexually dominating. This sensitive Alan Alda routine is actually you deviating from your true self. That's as natural as a tiger eating salad.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Well bud, I'll say this...she's expressed a desire. You may want to listen to her before someone else does, and gives her what she wants. Now, if what she wants is a deal breaker for you, then you need to deal with it from that angle. Some people are just not compatible in bed. BUT, within reason, you're likely going to find that you love "phucking her" every bit as much as she wants you to. Making love is nice. It's great. But there is nothing like giving / receiving a great phucking. It has been my experience that the female orgasm from "making love" is "nice", but the female orgasm from "phucking" can be mind blowing. And, if she is capable, it gets even better when she starts having multiples. If she's capable and hasn't had them yet, doing the above may just give her those multiples! (If that happens, the more she has, the harder and faster you go, until they "blend" into one, long, continuous orgasm.) You want to hear a woman really scream during sex? THAT will usually do it!
> 
> All women like to be made love to. MOST of them also want to be "phucked like there's no tomorrow" fairly often. Most of those women are afraid to say it. This is where you, the man comes in. You take the freakin' lead and do it (ESPECIALLY when she has expressed a desire for it). You should not feel (or act) meek about something she wants, that most women want.
> 
> ...


Wow, as a woman who wants a more dominant husband, thus is an amazing post! Great advice indeed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Donny...I appreciate your posts, but do try to understand that some women are not afraid to ask for it. This man's wife isn't afraid to ask for it. Please don't perpetuate the idea that women don't know what they want in bed. In this case, the wife very specifically knows what she wants in bed.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mr. Lotus...I'm a little concerned that you punched this guy?

It is one thing that you manned up and that was great. But how would it help your children if their daddy goes to jail for assualt? Manning up doesn't mean violence (in most cases).


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## MrLotus22 (May 21, 2013)

First of all, thanks everyone.
Donny my man, when reading your comments I almost called my wife right away to tell her to get hey sexy azz home right now.

I won't go into details but let's just say she got what she wanted. And I enjoyed it. Cannot think about anything else and find it very hard to concentrate on work. 

Faithful wife, you are right when you say she does know what she wants. I was the one with the "nice girl do not like rough sex" problem. 

Okay I lost my temper with my wife's co-worker. I think he had it coming, but I agree I should not have punched him. Too late now.
I know a few people at her office, apparently it is not the first time he's in trouble for pursuing married women. Never called the cops before. We'll see. What a stupid t**t. I can't wait for her to find another job, I even think I'll ask her to leave right now. I can afford to pay the bills by myself until she finds something else. She started searching, but how long could it be? 

I expect she won't like it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you can cover the bills, definitely tell her to quit now. The people there are clearly toxic, and plus, even if she doesn't like it, she's going to like YOU more and more.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Don't let her see it is "raw". Let her see that you are a man, and you are going to TAKE what is YOURS! TAKE IT! A man does not let someone else "take" their woman. Believe me, this is what she WANTS to see from you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Donny i think only fair to let you know I'm reporting this and your other longer post.The reason is cruel and unusual punishment. 

MY H IS AWAY UNTIL SUNDAY!!!


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## MrLotus22 (May 21, 2013)

She told her boss that Friday will be her last day.

She cried a lot, and I feel a little bad. I do hope she'll find another job soon. I'll help her. But I just cannot have her back in that office. 

Thanks for everything guys. I think we'll manage now.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I love happy endings.

:smthumbup:


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Donny i think only fair to let you know I'm reporting this and your other longer post.The reason is cruel and unusual punishment.
> 
> MY H IS AWAY UNTIL SUNDAY!!!


:rofl:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't know....I think pushing her to leave a job she loved that was difficult to get is over the top when she turned the guy down and communicated openly to you. I hope that doesn't come back to bite you....if she doesn't find another one that makes her as happy she may start to resent you.

But the rest of it sounds great. Carry on.


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