# what to do



## justkeepswimming (Nov 9, 2011)

I have recently become very confused about my relationship with my husband. I am asking myself questions such as: Was I ever really in love and where do I go from here. I know that I deeply care for him and have never cared for someone so much. I have also started to wonder if love is always enough and maybe I am just not really in love. I have always been a big believer in the notion that you make a decision everyday to love your spouse no matter what. We met when I was 19 and he was 35. Yes there is a 15 year relationship difference. He was also recently divorced. Ok so early on he was insecure and untrusting. I tried to live with it but eventually took a summer apart and that was what finally broke through to him that there was a problem. I felt like after that time he had improved some and we decided that we would continue in our relationship. We got married shortly after. (FYI, we currently have been in a relationship for 10 years and 3 of those years married) Things really seemed to be going well for that first year until thee I don't trust you stuff started again. I could never go out (which is rare) with any of my girlfriends without getting *****ed at and given the 3rd degree accused of cheating. I have never done anything to compromise my husband's trust. This is just so hurtful because I feel like if my husband really knew me he would know that I would not do this to him. Frankly, I feel insulted. I have spoke to him about how I feel and his response is I don't understand you, of course I trust you and he thinks I am nuts. This is the most devastating part because I feel like if he doesn't even know then how can he address it. Anyway, my husband was on a business trip and was accusing me of cheating in some text messages and ended the conversation in "I don't think I can do this anymore". I took this as he didn't want to be married anymore. I think that made something inside of be just break or snap. All of these emotions just came to the surface and I am just on the fence now. I have been thinking about filing for divorce. I feel hopeless. Sad. Angry. I started to see a therapist to try and talk out my feelings. But I don't feel like I am any closer to a decision. I feel so indecisive. I am really looking forward to multiple perspectives that are unbiased. So I think if I can get a different perspective then maybe I can make a more educated decision. This is so stressful.


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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm sorry you feel so stressed out. It's hard to know sometimes when things are rough if it's love you feel anymore.
Obviously he has major trust issues that don't stem from you, as you haven't done anything to hurt him.
When you go out or he's away he seems to get panicky and paranoid.
The issue lies with him and his feelings. He needs to work through why he feels like this, all you can do is tell him calmly you have never done anything to break his trust and he can't treat you like this with no basis.
Trust is the lifeline of a marriage and you need to feel respected.
If it will help him, and you are willing, tell him in order to work through his feelings and ease his mind he can call you whenever you are apart, or text, just to connect so he knows you are not hiding anything and he doesn't sit there with his own thoughts creating scenarios. This can be a long and tiring process for you but it is the only physical thing you can do, apart from counselling if he is willing.
When he says he 'can't do this anymore' it might mean even the constant anxiety he feels when you are apart and he thinks you're up to something. This is his issue he needs to work through, all you can do is help him the best you can without sacrificing your well-being.
It will either get better or it will become too much for you.
Marriage is a partnership that needs to be met in the middle. You are willing to help him, and he needs to be willing to help himself.
My advice for the stress, and I know it sounds crazy to some, is to relax and let go. Think positive thoughts because negativity feeds negativity. Picture yourself feeling happy and contented and don't let the anxiety over this and the stress seep in. It won't help the situation it will just drain your energy.
Take some time out for you doing the things you love, and some time off in your mind from the relationship troubles.
Best of luck with everything I hope you guys can find some peace.
Life is about joy and happiness and you deserve that too.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

When you are going out with your girl friends, what are you doing? Are these single women? Are you going to clubs or over to someone's home for beer and brats. It is not appropriate for married women to go off to clubs without their husbands (IMHO) Also going out with single women is a recipe for problems. I don't know the circumstances of your husband's divorce; but, I can see how you going out might engender concern. I don't think this should have lead to arguments. If your going out bothered him, you should have come up with ways that made it ok for the both of you. i.e. going out to a restaurant rather than clubs or going to a friends home or being back at a certain time. etc.....


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