# Crazy about the ex's!



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

For those who don't know the back story, heres a short one in a nutshell just to paint a picture:

My husband and I separated before we were married for 4 months before getting back together. While we were separated he dated an old friend of his (we'll call her "Mary"). We got back together and then got married, and 2 months after the marriage he cheated on me with "Mary" (after reconnecting with her on facebook). No contact with her since then though.

However, lets fastforward to today. I'm very uneasy with him still being friends with past ex's, for obvious reasons. When he got back in contact with "Mary" after we had gotten hitched, it ended with them sleeping together. To ease this crazy turmoil I'm in, I asked him to defriend another ex on facebook that he had on his account. We'll call her "Sue".

"Sue" is very beautiful. Almost stunning...and I hate her. I met her once while I was pregnant and test rode a horse she was selling. I told her that I didn't think the horse was for me and she got offended and has disliked me ever since. I knew she was an ex of my husband (back then boyfriend) but she didn't threaten me because I trusted him.

However, the reason why I hate her is simply because I just can't stand that she's beautiful, she's an ex of my husbands and he's now had a history of hooking up with an ex.

Anyways, he begrudgingly defriended "Sue" on facebook when I asked him. He didn't like it, but he did it. A few months go by and its all good. Tonight I discover that she re-added him as a friend on facebook and he accepted, and now I'm in tatters again.

I just can't get over this. I want to trust him. I just can't though. Not after what he did. I feel he should be friends with whoever he wants, like it was before this whole mess started out, but I can't handle him being friends with his ex. Not anymore. I can hardly handle him being friends with another female, let alone an ex.

Am I asking too much of him? He's known this girl from when they were kids, but that makes me feel even more threatened. I wish to god that I could trust him  I don't want him to resent me. Its like I just can't win no matter what I do. If I let him friend "Sue" on facebook, I feel I run the risk of him straying. If I ask him to unfriend "Sue", he'll resent me for it. 

I wish I could trust him. I wish I wasn't such a wreck. He's made me feel so secure and loved lately but this is just the thing that will toss me into the pits again. I wish I was strong enough to handle this and not freak out. Why does he need to have her as a friend on facebook anyways? Theres no reason. Stupid, stupid facebook. I sometimes wish it had never been invented.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You were secure, he took that away, you can be secure again but probably not with him, so if he wants to be with you, as he is in the wrong, he needs to make it right. No other woman should be important then you, his love for you and your feelings of security and trust.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

While we were separated "Sue" had sent him a picture of her in black lingerie with a message attached saying "You know you like it". I found it after we got back together and he's since deleted it. But this just shows me that she still has feelings for him and after the "Mary" drama, I feel that I can't trust him with any woman who still has feelings for him.

I went upstairs to bed last night and saw he was still awake, so I told him "You can unfriend "Sue" in the morning when you get up". He asked "What?" and I told him "You can unfriend "Sue" from facebook in the morning when you get up tomorrow". He didn't say anything and I told him "And if she asks why, you can tell her exactly why, and exactly what you've done to your wife".

He hasn't unfriended "Sue" yet. I'm so angry.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So during hte separation he had sex with Mary, was getting lingerie pics from Sue and two months after you married he had sex with Mary? 

Eh.

Jazz, he shouldn't be in contact w/ these women at all.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Ok, thank you for the encouragement that I'm not insane and that I'm not being over bearing or over protective. I sometimes feel like a crazy female who flies off the handle at small things, but I'm glad to hear that these things aren't small.

He's not in contact with "Mary" anymore and hasn't been for almost a year now. However, "Sue" just friended him again on facebook after he had unfriended her a few months back, and he accepted. 

I know I'm warey of other women now because of what happened but I do control myself enough to allow him to stay in contact with his female friends. I feel its only right and I don't want to be the crazy, controlling, jealous wife...but I can't handle the ex's, and I can't handle the women who made advancements on him while we were separated.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You have every right to expect him to sever those ties. At the very least, he should be bending over backwards to make sure that you can trust him. I think the real problem, though, is that he hasn't given you any evidence that he will respect certain boundaries in general.

In a real sense, most guys know that women generally commit their hearts in a way that humbles us, as men. You deserve to feel the same security in return, and will likely need to be prepared to discuss the consequences if he can't settle your fear once and for all through a serious discussion of boundaries.

Before I was married, my wife met a former girlfriend that I had been close friends with since childhood. I could tell two things right away: 1) the former girlfriend didn't respect the boundaries and 2) my fiance knew this implicitly. I severed those ties with extreme finality. But hey, this was before facebook. I just changed my phone number and told her that we could not be friends anymore.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I spoke with him about it and first he was defensive, but then when I told him exactly how I felt, why I felt how I felt, and why I absolutely didn't like any contact with her, he began to slow down and understand.

I told him that she still had feelings for him, and that I wasn't comfortable with women who had feelings for him. I reminded him that she sent him longerie photos while we were separated and now that he's married, it was inappropriate to have contact with her (even though they've known eachother since they were 6 and dated for a year or two). He tried to turn it around on me at first, but I told him it was his fault I didn't trust him. None of it was my fault.. I was innocent and he ruined my trust in him with his selfishness, stupidity and greed. I told him I wasn't out of reason and its up to HIM to do everything right so eventually I'll be able to trust him again. After I said that he got less defensive and started appologizing.

He appologized to me and took her off his facebook account and blocked her on there. I checked and he told the truth. He's been very affectionate.

I'm just confused. I mean, he seems to want to make the marriage better. We're not in tourmoil and we get along and he's making it a point to make me feel loved a lot more often than he used to. But then he does something like that. He told me that he forgot and thats why he accepted her friend request. I do kind of believe him because he can be stupid sometimes. But I don't know. He just seems like he's in this "learning" stage and its almost like this is the first mature relationship he's really been in where you don't scream and yell and seek revenge on eachother. I want to be patient with him but I don't know how much longer I can last if he keeps playing the stupid card. 

I don't think divorce is in our future...not unless he actually does the deed of cheating again. But part of me is tense and waiting for the day that he does cave and cheat. I just don't trust him not to.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

So did that chick send him a pic of herself in lingerie before you were married, or during your marriage? 

Does it say that he is married on his facebook? 
How about creating a facebook account and linking it up to his (you being listed as his wife on his info page)?


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

She sent it to him while we were separated. They've known eachother since they were 6 years old and dated when they grew up, but still kept in contact after the breakup. I guess she's in a relationship, and he stressed that, but I stressed that he was married but it didn't stop him. I guess that was a low blow, but sometimes I have to release some anger too.

It says that he's married on facebook and that I'm his wife. But...you know, this didn't stop "Mary" from contacting him. I've been listed since our wedding date as his wife and linked on his page. It just doesn't stop anyone. Nothing does. There are no boundaries except for the ones we set for ourselves, and its like he's brand new to this concept or something...which pisses me off because its common sense to me. 

So yes, it says that he's married and we're linked as husband and wife. And you know, it could have been innocent. She could have re-added him just because they knew eachother. And possibly she doesn't have feelings for him and maybe she is totally in love with her current boyfriend. She does NOT like me though...at all. And in return, I've not liked her either. I'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt though. I'm not comfortable with her at all...and you have to learn to trust that feeling sometimes.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> She sent it to him while we were separated. They've known eachother since they were 6 years old and dated when they grew up, but still kept in contact after the breakup. I guess she's in a relationship, and he stressed that, but I stressed that he was married but it didn't stop him. I guess that was a low blow, but sometimes I have to release some anger too.
> 
> It says that he's married on facebook and that I'm his wife. But...you know, this didn't stop "Mary" from contacting him. I've been listed since our wedding date as his wife and linked on his page. It just doesn't stop anyone. Nothing does. There are no boundaries except for the ones we set for ourselves, and its like he's brand new to this concept or something...which pisses me off because its common sense to me.
> 
> So yes, it says that he's married and we're linked as husband and wife. And you know, it could have been innocent. She could have re-added him just because they knew eachother. And possibly she doesn't have feelings for him and maybe she is totally in love with her current boyfriend. She does NOT like me though...at all. And in return, I've not liked her either. I'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt though. I'm not comfortable with her at all...and you have to learn to trust that feeling sometimes.


Jazz, I agree with you. Under the circumstances, it's best that he is not friends with his ex. Especially one that you do not like.

I had a chick pull stupid crap like that with my husband. His ex kept contacting him on facebook, insisting they get together for coffee or stop by her office and have a "closed door visit". She kept friend requesting him, and understanding that I would be uncomfortable, he kept denying them. 
The messages continued, and so I had to confront her. She actually _tried_ to lecture me about how it should be okay for a married man to visit a single woman at her office (an ex lover, no less) for "closed door visits." Ummm, it ain't okay with me honey.

Some chicks are like that. It's very annoying to say the least, and if you're hubby doesn't get it, it is extremely frustrating.


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