# How to Heal After Finding Out…



## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

This post is inspired by a post I made last week ( http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/266658-why-do-spouse-cheat.html ). After getting a feel of most posters’ undertone, I decided “this” will be helpful.

This post focus on helping you get over the initial shock and focus on proper healing. If you've gone through "this" and survived, please add your own tips/story at the end.

So without much a do, shall we...?

When you discovered about your spouse’s affair, the effect may have devastated you. You may not even believe that what they’re telling you is the truth. This person you invested so much in and trusted deeply has completely betrayed you.

You may even feel as though your life and relationship has been shattered in a single blow – and that’s normal.

Immediately after the news is broken, this is what you should focus on doing;

1. *Pour out your heart.* The news of an affair can be nerve wrecking. You may feel sad, angry, betrayed, confused, disappointed, or a combination of these. It’s normal

Most people deal with these emotions by stuffing them down. But this is not healthy. You need expression. You need to tell your partner what s/he has done – and how you feel. Say it in whatever way makes sense to you. For now, forget about the ethics of how you’re saying it. Just clear out your emotions. That’s the point.

2. *Cry.* During those early days, you may try dealing with those emotions by ignoring them or being “brave.” The problem with this is that it prevents you from completely dealing with your emotions. This makes total healing next to impossible.

You see! You have to get in touch with those painful feelings to get past them. So don’t be afraid. This helps you release those emotions.

If you try to bottle them up, they may come back to haunt you.

3. *Be Skeptical.* Take your partners promises of repentance with a grain of salt – until they demonstrate it. That’s a healthy position to take right now. Don’t just accept anything that they say just because you’re hoping that it will make your relationship heal faster. Let them work for – and win back – your trust.

You see! If your relationship is going to survive, your partner needs to take the time and effort to make an internal character change. They’ll also need to live a life consistent with that change.

4. *Be a broken record – if necessary. *During this painful period, there may be things you’d want your partner to hear from you. There might also be things you’d want to hear from them. Tell them to him/her – and demand to hear what you want. 

Do this as often as you need. Be a broken record if necessary.

Yes, the cheater may complain. But that’s because what you’re saying is painful. They really don’t want the hear it. But at the end, the result is always positive. You’ll get what you need and feel a sense of complete expression.

And don’t worry if what’s coming out are bad stuffs. It can’t be any worse than it already is.

5. *Your emotions will alternate. Go with it.* Over time, those hurt feelings, defensiveness, deception, accusations and painful arguments will wane. The feeling will slowly become less painful. When this happens, let them go. Don’t go thinking you have to hang on to them. No, you don’t. 

There are times the feelings will come up and there are times they will fade. Let them. Emotional healing doesn’t happen in one fell swoop.

6. *Kick-Start the Self-Healing Process. *The first-five tips is to help you deal with the trauma – your past. This one focuses on your future. It’s about reflation: about taking a holistic look at your wants, needs, desires, short comings, your partner and the relationship.

Don’t forget that you have the right to feel (and think) whatever you’re feeling right now. You don’t need to act on them. Emotions and actions are two different things. So allow the taught and feelings.

As you go through this reflection, you may realize that your relationship is not that perfect. You may discover places you may have done things better. But this doesn’t mean you’re responsible for the affair. No, you’re not. Nobody has the right to betray a partner no matter what.

The reflection is only focused on helping you start on a clean slate and improve the relationship. You need to focus on what you want out of the relationship in the future. 

7. *Heal the Relationship.* Now that you know about the affair and are faced with some details about your partner, it’s time to start healing the relationship.

The only way to do this is talk with your partner as much as possible. Open up channels of communication and have those difficult – and painful – conversations.

With time, the pain will start to subside. When this happens, try to have some fun with your partner. When the opportunity pops up, allow yourself to be happy and have fun with your partner. It shouldn’t be all about work.

With these, it’ll (hopefully) be a matter of time and things will improve.

Please drop your feedback. Let me hear what you think. Do you have any point to add? Add it. When you went through this, how did you go through it. Let's hear about it.


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