# I get upset when my husband wants to give me oral sex



## casa82 (Mar 5, 2017)

My husband is the sex bunny, he wants to have sex all the time. I'm usually tired and stressed so our sex life has come down to about once or twice per month. We have different sex schedules. He wants to have sex in the morning and I want to have sex at night; thus, once or twice a month we make it work. Sometimes we go even further in between having sex. Sometimes is once every three months. 
We've been married for 7 years. At the beginning we used to have sex at least once a week but not anymore. At the beginning, I looked forward to receiving oral sex, and I really enjoyed it, even to this day, I still enjoy it. But now every time my husband's face comes close to my vagina, I just cringe. I get soooo mad. If I'm in the mood, it just goes out the window. I start getting so upset, and all I want to do is push him to the side and kick him (literally). In the end, we don't have sex at all, and we both end up frustrated. 
So, I have to be drunk for him to give me oral sex, and I enjoy it. But if I'm sober, I get mad at him. I resent him. 

In previous relationships I always enjoyed receiving oral sex, even with my husband, I did enjoy oral sex for the first year or so in our relationship, but now, I get mad. And I've told him, I don't trust him with my vagina. He's never bitten or hurt me when he's down there. But somehow, I just don't trust him. 

I don't know what to do. As is we don't have sex as much and the few times that we could have, sometimes it gets spoiled by him going down and me getting soooo upset. 

Should I force me and fake it for the sake of the relationship? Or just be ok with having sex every few months in between? 

It's sexually frustrating, the good news is we both relieve through masturbation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

casa82 said:


> My husband is the sex bunny, he wants to have sex all the time. I'm usually tired and stressed so our sex life has come down to about once or twice per month. We have different sex schedules. He wants to have sex in the morning and I want to have sex at night; thus, once or twice a month we make it work. Sometimes we go even further in between having sex. Sometimes is once every three months.
> We've been married for 7 years. At the beginning we used to have sex at least once a week but not anymore. At the beginning, I looked forward to receiving oral sex, and I really enjoyed it, even to this day, I still enjoy it. But now every time my husband's face comes close to my vagina, I just cringe. I get soooo mad. If I'm in the mood, it just goes out the window. I start getting so upset, and all I want to do is push him to the side and kick him (literally). In the end, we don't have sex at all, and we both end up frustrated.
> So, I have to be drunk for him to give me oral sex, and I enjoy it. But if I'm sober, I get mad at him. I resent him.
> 
> ...


Do you mean that the two of you go off and masturbate alone?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you so upset with your husband? Why don't you trust him?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you so upset with your husband? Why don't you trust him?


Some people are naturally mistrusting or non-trusting, esp in other cultures...


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## Goldfinger (Mar 4, 2017)

This is a little confusing to me. One reason men enjoy giving oral sex is because they enjoy making their partner feel good. If your husband likes it and you physically like it, why are you so angry with him? Saying you would like to kick him is a little extreme for someone who is trying to pleasure you. 

I think you need to do some soul searching and find out exactly why you have these feelings. Talking with your spouse may help so he at least understands what you are going through and won't feel like he is the problem.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

By your words he is a sex bunny.

By our words and standards he has very low sex drive. LD

A sex bunny would want sex multiple times a day, when young.

Past thirty? 3 to 4 times a week, minimum. 

You have serious issues with him. Issues that have nothing to do with sexual intercourse.

Your skin crawls when he touches you. 

You need therapy.....he needs to find a new mate.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Casa82 - I suppose you understand that this relationship is doomed as currently constituted. Deep introspection on your part would go a long way towards helping your next potential partner. Have you had any lesbian moments in the past?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

casa82 said:


> My husband is the sex bunny, he wants to have sex all the time. I'm usually tired and stressed so our sex life has come down to about once or twice per month. We have different sex schedules. He wants to have sex in the morning and I want to have sex at night; thus, once or twice a month we make it work. Sometimes we go even further in between having sex. Sometimes is once every three months.
> We've been married for 7 years. At the beginning we used to have sex at least once a week but not anymore. At the beginning, I looked forward to receiving oral sex, and I really enjoyed it, even to this day, I still enjoy it. But now every time my husband's face comes close to my vagina, I just cringe. I get soooo mad. If I'm in the mood, it just goes out the window. I start getting so upset, and all I want to do is push him to the side and kick him (literally). In the end, we don't have sex at all, and we both end up frustrated.
> So, I have to be drunk for him to give me oral sex, and I enjoy it. But if I'm sober, I get mad at him. I resent him.
> 
> ...


It looks like you are still logged into TAM. You really need to reply to people, answer questions, etc. in order to keep your thread active. If you don't, people will assume that you just posted and left. So they will stop replying.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

your hatred for your husband is coming thru. are you looking to divorce him soon, because that is the road you seem to be headed on.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

casa82 said:


> My husband is the sex bunny, he wants to have sex all the time. I'm usually tired and stressed so our sex life has come down to about once or twice per month. We have different sex schedules. He wants to have sex in the morning and I want to have sex at night; thus, once or twice a month we make it work. Sometimes we go even further in between having sex. Sometimes is once every three months.
> We've been married for 7 years. At the beginning we used to have sex at least once a week but not anymore. At the beginning, I looked forward to receiving oral sex, and I really enjoyed it, even to this day, I still enjoy it. But now every time my husband's face comes close to my vagina, I just cringe. I get soooo mad. If I'm in the mood, it just goes out the window. I start getting so upset, and all I want to do is push him to the side and kick him (literally). In the end, we don't have sex at all, and we both end up frustrated.
> So, I have to be drunk for him to give me oral sex, and I enjoy it. But if I'm sober, I get mad at him. I resent him.
> 
> ...



Your hubby is what's called HD - high sex drive. He can have sex every day.

You are what's called LD - low sex drive. You can have sex 1x to 2x month.

This is common on TAM and called sexual mismatch.

I am also going through this with my wife of 17+ years. I am HD and she is LD.


Try taking this quiz and show him the results. Both of you take the quiz separately and compare afterwards. This is a start.

Profiles Archive - The 5 Love Languages®


If he can have sex every day and you want sex 1x to 2x month, a serious middle ground has to be reached. There is no ideal number but having sex 2x to 3x every week is a good start. 3x week is average by the way.


Tell him you love oral sex. He should then be on adult sites seeing how to give you great oral sex.


For HD spouses, sex and physicality is what binds us to our other halves more than words will ever do. For me, sex totally unstresses me and I feel like I can take on the world. Studies show that having sex 3x every week actually reduces the chances of heart disease and attack in men by up to 50%. Less than 3x week does nothing. It's just enough to start boosting testosterone levels.


Can you go on adult sites and see the great oral sex techniques? Tell your hubby.


Do you give him great BJ's as well?


After 7 years of marriage, you still being LD, you think he is happy with that? Or do you think he is giving up....?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

casa82 said:


> My husband is the sex bunny, *he wants to have sex all the time.
> *
> ...our sex life has come down to about *once or twice per month.
> *
> ...


Wow, very serious issues. First I would suggest you get MW Davis book, the Sex Starved Wife. Then I would suggest that you and hubby go to a sex therapist. They are expensive, but cheaper than hiring two divorce attorneys, and that sounds like the alternative. If you are really lucky, your husband may be more committed to your marriage than you are.

Good luck.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I hope the OP comes back to answer some questions. I feel like we are missing an important part of the story here so its impossible to make any sensible comments / give advice?

Why is sex so infrequent, and why does the OP not "trust" her husband to give her oral. There could be very reasonable explanations for both, but I don't know what they are.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

casa82 said:


> We have different sex schedules.


Perhaps you are angry at him because he is unwilling to go out of his way to try and help make things work.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Seems that you have some underlying resentments in your marriage which is reflected in your attitude to having sex with him, perhaps you should explore what those might be or even go see a sex therapist.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If your husband is a sex bunny, I must be the energizer bunny then. We are in our mid sixties and have sex once or twice a week and still engage in sexual fetishes. For most of our 44 years of marriage we shared a girlfriend so we could have more sex. So your husband is far from a sex bunny with the sex schedule you posted about. In fact, most of the old geezers around her have more sex than he does. It is all relative. Wifes think that if their husband wants more sex than they do, they are sex addicts or oversexed. 

Sex produces a hormone called Oxytocin that emotionally bonds you to your spouse. If you have little sex, you lose out on that emotional bonding and you end up living like friends with a lot less benefits than you would with a real FWB. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to a child and unless you get a good dose of it every week, you are missing out on what could be a much more intimate marriage. The more sex you have the more you bond and want sex more.

As for oral sex, I think many wifes want it less as their love matures. My wife prefers her vibrator to oral sex. She gets her best orgasms that way. Our girlfriend was the same way. For the first half of our marriage of 44 years, the girls loved oral but then they lost interest in it, even with each other. I got used to it and so can your husband if you try to have sex more often. As I have posted many times, schedule at least one night a week for sex with no excuses accepted. My wife and I somethings go into the bedroom not feeling horny, but when we leave the bedroom my wife has had one or two very intense orgasms. Due to making sure we have frequent sex we are like newly weds. My wife feels sexually desired and is very happy. Yes, sometimes she will let me perform oral sex on her if I ask and sometimes she has sex with me out of love. To me, that is what a loving couple does. I do not like taking out the garbage and yet I still do that twice a week so I think we can all make the same effort to have sex too.

Try the scheduling of a sex night each week. It is something I learned from Psychologist and it really works. Whenever we find that our sex live is lagging, we schedule it and lo and behold, our emotional bonding does increase and we do feel closer to each other. Read the article below as it explains the different stages of love. Try to think about why you do not like oral sex performed on you anymore. Perhaps there is an underlying reason that can be fixed. If not, just explain it to your husband and offer something else instead. My wife loves to kiss. She will kiss all through sex if I let her. That is her thing and even if I am not in the mood to kiss for a half an hour, I still do it because I love her. She makes up for not letting me perform oral sex on her as often as I used to by increasing the times she has oral sex on me. Great sex and marriages come from great communication. Talk to each other and let each other know what is on your minds. Then compromise because no two people can fulfill all of another's needs. Marriage is a compromise. I could not marry a super model so I compromised. 

How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @casa82 ~ no offense, but please try to get into sex therapy ~ this type of abhorant reaction on your part, to what is intended to be nothing more than a most natural expression of love, is totally unnatural as well as being on the cusp of sheer irrationality!*


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So one day you liked oral sex, the next you hate it. And nothing happened inbetween? 

Is oral sex the real issue here? If you don't want your husband to do it, tell him not to. The bigger issue is why your not having more sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the reason the oral sex thing bothers you is that it's when you are the most vulnerable.

You seem to really resent your husband. So when you are the most vulnerable, with your guard down, the resentment takes over.

You need to get into individual counseling to figure out how to deal with all that pent up resentment. You might also need some sex therapy. But I'll bet that if you get rid of the resentment, your desire for sex will return.

You might also benefit from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read them, get your husband to read them too.

Your marriage is in real trouble.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Without reading any of the other replies, the first thing that popped into my head was - resentment.

Where this resentment is stemming from, I don't know. Perhaps it's simply related to sex, perhaps it's other things.

I lived through many years of being resented for various things, with my ex wife. Years of her being mad at me for seemingly innocuous things. Things she couldn't or wouldn't express to me, to give me the opportunity to change. Things that I likely wouldn't have been able to change anyway.

By the time she finally split, one of the things she told me (and not in a nice way, either), was that I "stole her 20's" from her. Like it was my fault, and our marriage was somehow forced upon her. Point being - resentment is far too often rooted in illogical scenarios. And the longer this resentment goes, the more it makes sense to the one doing it.

Outside influences can often aid and abet these feelings, as well. It's highly likely my ex wife, at some point, had a crisis about the direction her life had taken. Maybe she read, or heard, or was told that one is supposed to be free and party and figure things out during one's 20's. And then went home to her boring married life, staring at the same guy day after day.

In short, resentment is deflection, IMO. It starts off small, because it's easy to blame somebody else. Over time, it becomes 100% their fault.

If you, for example, have this resentment towards your seeming lack of a sex life, it's easy to blame your husband for it. Before you know it, you don't look at him the same way anymore. You get mad at him for doing, essentially, nothing. You struggle with it, because you KNOW he's not doing anything actually worthy of being upset about, but you're still mad.

Trust me, I lived this, from the other side. My ex wife would have these moments of clarity where she genuinely felt bad and expressed how she felt. That she had no idea why she treated me this way and she hated it. In all honesty, and in retrospect, it was borderline abusive of her. She KNEW I didn't deserve to be snapped at or belittled for things, yet she'd still do it. Then wake up, apologize and feel bad. Eventually she did leave, and tearfully told me that I never deserved to be treated the way she treated me. So at least she was conscious of it, I guess.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Resentment is a nearly impossible thing to detach from ones self. Logic rarely plays any part in it - the person recognizes that the reasons they give are often manufactured or amplified or exaggerated, yet they're still there.



casa82 said:


> My husband is the sex bunny, he wants to have sex all the time. I'm usually tired and stressed so our sex life has come down to about once or twice per month. We have different sex schedules. He wants to have sex in the morning and I want to have sex at night; thus, once or twice a month we make it work. Sometimes we go even further in between having sex. Sometimes is once every three months.
> We've been married for 7 years. At the beginning we used to have sex at least once a week but not anymore. At the beginning, I looked forward to receiving oral sex, and I really enjoyed it, even to this day, I still enjoy it. But now every time my husband's face comes close to my vagina, I just cringe. I get soooo mad. If I'm in the mood, it just goes out the window. I start getting so upset, and all I want to do is push him to the side and kick him (literally). In the end, we don't have sex at all, and we both end up frustrated.
> So, I have to be drunk for him to give me oral sex, and I enjoy it. But if I'm sober, I get mad at him. I resent him.
> 
> ...


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## DonaldDuck666 (Feb 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the reason the oral sex thing bothers you is that it's when you are the most vulnerable.
> 
> You seem to really resent your husband. So when you are the most vulnerable, with your guard down, the resentment takes over.


Really? I see the roles reversed. I think the person GIVING as being submissive, not the other way around. If I'm going down on a woman, I'm there to please HER. Grab my head, thrust into my face, etc.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

DonaldDuck666 said:


> Really? I see the roles reversed. I think the person GIVING as being submissive, not the other way around. If I'm going down on a woman, I'm there to please HER. Grab my head, thrust into my face, etc.


Yes, and perhaps she resents her husband being submissive.

On the flip side, the receiver is often the one who is not in control. Not to mention that a highly sensitive part of their anatomy is in the other's persons mouth/hands/whatever.

Which has always confused me somewhat, as the giver is often deemed 'submissive', despite being in control. Go figure that one out.

Men, for ages, have thought of themselves as great catches, simply for the fact that they will give oral sex to their female partner, and OMG! maybe even enjoy it! Some seem to think it makes them special. The irony is that it's actually a fairly dominant role to play, being the giver (provided it's their choice). Some women have figured this **** out. Many men, unfortunately, think that their willingness to provide oral sex to women is worthy of their dating site profile, or otherwise bragging about.

Basically, giving and receiving can very much be both dominant and submissive. It's all in how it goes down (no pun intended).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DonaldDuck666 said:


> Really? I see the roles reversed. I think the person GIVING as being submissive, not the other way around. If I'm going down on a woman, I'm there to please HER. Grab my head, thrust into my face, etc.


Yes, really. For a woman to spread her legs and let a man that close, she is making herself vulnerable. There is a large emotional part to being able to let a guy that close.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Can I go back to the original post?

Let me get this straight...when you two first got married you were only having sex once a week?

Seriously?

That is not normal. When I got married, my ex and I were having sex two to three times a day for the first year or so. We rutted like lemmings...couldn't keep our hands off each other....sex everywhere, any time. 

Your marriage has never been normal, and it just keeps on getting more abnormal, and I think you know it and I think that is part of your resentment towards your husband. He won't end it, and you are too much of a coward to end it.


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