# Is it my fault ?



## Evetheveeg (May 15, 2021)

We've been married 9 years he dosed off on the couch, I just gotten out of the bath. I grabbed his phone and was mortified. Secret email address says sissyslut hes been emailing men to have sex with them ! Idk what to do I had no idea he was into men to . We have a child together. I want to leave him but I dont want our daughter to deal with divorced parents. He said he'll kill his self if I leave him. Were looking for marriage counseling asap. I feel so disgusted . I never want to have sex with him again!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

No it’s not your fault he’s having sex with men. It sounds like he’s not ready to confront his sexuality thus his threats to kill himself if you leave. 

Was there any indication of this during your marriage before you found the messages? 

Have you told him you know?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who he is and unfortunately you can’t change him back to who you thought he was. You are in for a very difficult time if you stay. There are worse things in life than your child dealing with divorced parents. If he threatens to kill himself, call 911. He won’t like being sectioned but if he really does need help, he’ll get it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wonder if it may help if you asked for a separation for a set time so that you can have time and space to think and make decisions? 
His threats are appalling, tell him that if he threatens suicide again you will call the police, that is highly manipulative. 
I am guessing that he has had sex with many men and that's hard to come back from. What has he said about it all?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Evetheveeg said:


> We've been married 9 years he dosed off on the couch, I just gotten out of the bath. I grabbed his phone and was mortified. Secret email address says sissyslut hes been emailing men to have sex with them ! Idk what to do I had no idea he was into men to . We have a child together. I want to leave him but I dont want our daughter to deal with divorced parents. He said he'll kill his self if I leave him. Were looking for marriage counseling asap. I feel so disgusted . I never want to have sex with him again!


He's probably gay, but at least bi. Regardless of his sexuality the one thing you know is he is a liar and a cheater.

Your daughter would be better off dealing with amicable co-parents than a broken mother in a sham marriage with a gay/bi man who cheats.

Do NOT allow suicide threats to sway you. He is either trying to manipulate you so that you stay and he faces zero consequences for his actions or he's mentally unstable. Either way, leave. If he threatens self harm call the local police and ask they do a welfare check. If he's manipulating you and the police show up he will knock that **** off. If he's actually mentally ill he'll get the help he needs from professionals. 

Do NOT go to counseling. It's a waste of time. Counseling can't change his sexuality. And you'll (rightly) never trust him again.

Good Heavens, no, do not have sex with him. You have no idea how many men he's been with, how many men and women they've been with, and so on. Condoms do not protect 100% against STI's. Many are transmitted through skin to skin contact in places the condom doesn't cover. A few common diseases are transmitted orally, as well. So, he's simply not a safe partner. Explain to your doctor what has happened and get STI testing now and again in about 6-9 months.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Eve, I am so sorry that you are here with this problem. No, absolutely not your fault. You have just discovered that your husband is not the man that you married. Aside from the fact that he is gay, your husband is a liar and a cheat and probably has been for the entire time that you have been married. He's been, obviously, very good at hiding it. It wasn't fair of him to marry you under false pretenses. But, what you do now if for the protection of you and your children. Your husband is an adult whom is capable of making his own decisions. His threat of suicide is drama. He blew this up, not you. 

You need to get an STD test ASAP. You also need to talk to a lawyer asap, to get your affairs in order. Your marriage is now over and actually has been for a very long time and you know that there is no going back. But you are in exactly the right place to get good, sound advice on how to advance.


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## Evetheveeg (May 15, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> No it’s not your fault he’s having sex with men. It sounds like he’s not ready to confront his sexuality thus his threats to kill himself if you leave.
> 
> Was there any indication of this during your marriage before you found the messages?
> 
> Have you told him you know?


I have always wondered about him being into men he gave me that vibe. Yes he knows I know denies everything even though I seen it with my own eyes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evetheveeg said:


> I have always wondered about him being into men he gave me that vibe. Yes he knows I know denies everything even though I seen it with my own eyes.


So he is still lying, thats not good.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Evetheveeg said:


> We've been married 9 years he dosed off on the couch, I just gotten out of the bath. I grabbed his phone and was mortified. Secret email address says sissyslut hes been emailing men to have sex with them ! Idk what to do I had no idea he was into men to . We have a child together. I want to leave him but I dont want our daughter to deal with divorced parents. He said he'll kill his self if I leave him. Were looking for marriage counseling asap. I feel so disgusted . I never want to have sex with him again!


Please check out @notmyjamie thread as she had to deal with a similar situation. I wish I had good advice for you and I feel so badly for you.

I do want to say no. It is not your fault, never has been. I think he needs individual counseling though, not marriage counseling.


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

It's absolutely not your fault. Sorry you had to find out like this. He seems extremely unstable. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter.


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## Amomwithcamera (Dec 18, 2020)

I cannot say if I am in the same shoes like you or not. but my husband actually admitted that he had desires to have sex with men but never really went through with his fantasy. I asked him if he is gay, he said he is not. But since we havent had sex for 8 years now, I was wondering if he is.

so, I think you need to ask him straight if he is gay or not. some men still find it difficult to admit it because how they were raised. or they are just not ready to face the truth. 

either way, please don't think it is your fault, because it isn't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Certainly you can ask the question but you’re unlikely to get a truthful answer if they want to stay in the marriage.


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## Amomwithcamera (Dec 18, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Certainly you can ask the question but you’re unlikely to get a truthful answer if they want to stay in the marriage.


I agree. no matter how many times you ask, if he is not ready to admit it. he wont never be able to tell you the truth.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Eve, by hook or crook, you need to ditch this "sissyslut " and replace him/her, or want the f he is, with a man. You don't need to spend the rest of your life living with a shemale that turns you stomach to look at him and you have to give up intimacy or find you a real man on the side. Sides that, its bad and dangerous for your kid. Kids have a built in geiger counter for detecting dysfunctional marriages, there's no benefit and probably psychologically damaging for the kid to know there father been sucking off other men and ain't no telling what kind of perverts the child will be exposed to.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Amomwithcamera said:


> But since we havent had sex for 8 years now, I was wondering if he is.


Of course he is. You know that. My questions to you is what makes you think he hasn't gone through with his "fantasy'" and do you still want or need what a man that's into other men, can't do?


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

Im sorry your going through this. 
As for the posters comments on the suicide threat and manipulation...my best friend tried to break up with a boyfriend. He made the same threat. We thought and talked about it being manipulative. After some time she broke up with him. A few days later we visited him in hospital with a gun shot wound to his head. He lived but it was horrible experience for him her and all. 
Please if you feel he may be truly suicidal tell someone. But dont stay with him for that reason.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hmmm, a sissy ****.
in other words he wants to dress up as woman, and have men use him.
it MAY be just a fantasy, and one that he never goes thru with. Or he may be meeting men every weekend wearing panties and thigh high stockings.

i would think it important to find out if he ever actually did it with other men. some people just have bizarre fantasies, and would never go thru with them. those sorts can be re-directed so their fantasies are less bothersome. for instance, you help dress him up, then tie him up and humiliate him, and dominate him. He might like that even more. And gay cheating would be off of the table. i am guessing that half of these sissies want to be dominated by a woman, and not a man. femdom


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Not your fault if he offs himself.


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## Elijah220 (Jun 26, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Eve, by hook or crook, you need to ditch this "sissyslut "* and replace him/her, or want the f he is, with a man. You don't need to spend the rest of your life living with a shemale* that turns you stomach to look at him and you have to give up intimacy or find you a real man on the side. Sides that, its bad and dangerous for your kid. Kids have a built in geiger counter for detecting dysfunctional marriages, there's no benefit and probably psychologically damaging for the kid to know there father been sucking off other men and ain't no telling what kind of perverts the child will be exposed to.


This a completely homophobic response. No where did she say he was a “she male.” This response is vulgar and completely unhelpful! Keep your own homophobic views to yourself and deal with the issue at hand.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evetheveeg said:


> We've been married 9 years he dosed off on the couch, I just gotten out of the bath. I grabbed his phone and was mortified. Secret email address says sissyslut hes been emailing men to have sex with them ! Idk what to do I had no idea he was into men to . We have a child together. I want to leave him but I dont want our daughter to deal with divorced parents. He said he'll kill his self if I leave him. Were looking for marriage counseling asap. I feel so disgusted . I never want to have sex with him again!


*Beware of marriage counselors.* A lot are notorious rugsweepers. And may even blame you. These people are not gods.

His affair was a choice he made and it’s on him.

Staying just for you child is an excuse to do nothing which you’ll probably regret later. Bring a martyr is a thankless task.


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## Elijah220 (Jun 26, 2021)

Evetheveeg said:


> We've been married 9 years he dosed off on the couch, I just gotten out of the bath. I grabbed his phone and was mortified. Secret email address says sissyslut hes been emailing men to have sex with them ! Idk what to do I had no idea he was into men to . We have a child together. I want to leave him but I dont want our daughter to deal with divorced parents. He said he'll kill his self if I leave him. Were looking for marriage counseling asap. I feel so disgusted . I never want to have sex with him again!


I am so sorry you are going through this!

I understand your concerns about your daughter, but children are incredibly intuitive and pickup more than we realize. Staying is only teaching your daughter how to have a dysfunctional relationship, and she will think this is normal. This will affect her future relationships, as she will base them on what she has seen her parents do.

Your husband is obviously gay or bi. You have no idea how long this has been going on, and I agree with everyone that you should have yourself tested for STD’s immediately.

The threats of suicide…we are not responsible for the actions of others. All you can do is what is right for you. You know him better than we do, so if you truly believe him to be suicidal, call the police. They will take him to the hospital where he will likely spend at least one night. Use that time to leave, but call his friends and family. Let them know what is going on and ask them to be there for him when he gets out of the hospital. He is not your responsibility.

I know this is easier said than done. I have been through this, and she did kill herself. It *** you up forever, but after intense counselling I know it was not my fault. Hers was spontaneous, so I had no chance to get her help, but you do. Once you have done that, you have done all you can. You cannot be held hostage by the fear he may do something to himself.

Focus on you and your daughter. You need to build a new, happier and healthier life for yourself. Be strong. If sex with men is a need for him, he won’t stop. So there is no need for you to continue to subject yourself and your daughter to this constant betrayal of your marriage.

Truly all of my best to you!!!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Elijah220 said:


> This a completely homophobic response. No where did she say he was a “she male.” This response is vulgar and completely unhelpful! Keep your own homophobic views to yourself and deal with the issue at hand.


Well I guess if we could go back 2 months the OP might be interested in your wisdom ....


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Evetheveeg said:


> I want to leave him but I dont want our daughter to deal with divorced parents. He said he'll kill his self if I leave him. Were looking for marriage counseling asap. I feel so disgusted . I never want to have sex with him again!


Divorced parents are better than parents that are together and miserable. Being miserable in your marriage makes it hard to enjoy your children and be with them. Trust me, they can pick up on sadness.

As far as your H saying he'll kill himself, I hate to say this, but whether or not its an idle threat, it isn't your problem. And if you did leave and somehow he DID do it, it still isn't your fault.

Marriage counseling? meh, went ONE time before my divorce. It was nothing but one big "blame the victim" session. You can take it for what its worth. Maybe your counselor will be better than the one I had to deal with.

But it is just my opinion that if you are disgusted by him cheating, and rightfully so, that the only solution you will be happy with in the long run is to leave his unfaithful ass.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Elijah220 said:


> This a completely homophobic response. No where did she say he was a “she male.” This response is vulgar and completely unhelpful! Keep your own homophobic views to yourself and deal with the issue at hand.


Homophobic or not, if my x-wife would have cheated on me with a woman, it would have been a helluva lot easier. To me seems not as emasculating and easier to leave.


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## Elijah220 (Jun 26, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Well I guess if we could go back 2 months the OP might be interested in your wisdom ....


I just saw her post on another persons recent post, so it will notify her that people are posting here. 🙄🙄🙄


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No, I t’s not your fault. File for divorce ASAP.

Schedule regular STD tests — probably every 3 months for at least the next couple of years — as well. You’ll want more than one test because some of the worst stuff can take years to show up.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP hasn't been here since May 15th.


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