# Dealing with sudden sex drive bump in spouse



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

We're in our mid 30s and my wife seems to be having that proverbial mid-30s sex drive surge lately, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Our sex life until now I would describe as "ok" -- we had a lot of chemistry and attraction when we met, and we've now been together 12 years and I still get easily turned on by her although more in an automatic sort of way. Sex has pretty consistently been 1-3 times per week, waxing and waning, and I don't think we've ever gone more than 2-3 weeks without sex. We're pretty vanilla, and that's fine with me because I see myself as a pretty vanilla guy. Really, I'm a little bit of a reserved person, conservative temperament, etc. -- I can "let go" in bed but I don't get into anything too crazy. 

Suddenly lately I feel like my wife wants sex more often than I do and also wants something "different" and seems bored or frustrated with our sex. Some of this is what she tells me, some of it is just body and facial language. I want to give her what she wants, but I feel like she's not even sure she knows. She has remarked that she wanted me to be more of an "*******" in bed, but then other times lately she's complained that I was being too rough (even when I wasn't trying to be). She's also told me that certain things I do she's disliked for "years" even though she's never told me -- a horrible thing to find out!

My problems with this are mainly two things: (1) I work long hours in an office job, and lately in particular I've been working a lot and not getting much sleep or exercise. So I just don't have a lot of go or stamina in me to match her. And (2) the things she's told me and her reactions to me in bed lately are getting to me, making me more insecure, and that just becomes a feedback loop for me when we have sex now. It makes it so I can't relax. 

In the past she's been very complimentary of me in bed. She said I was the first guy who really made her understand what sex was about, and the first guy she really enjoyed it with. I get that things get stale (they're stale for me sometimes too, but I guess I just don't let it bother me much). 

Don't really know what to do. I'm really bad at stuff like role-playing fwiw - I always feel ridiculous.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh if you only knew how much other guys here would like your problem.
Communication and compromise are key here. Do not be passive aggressive and let this fester.
Just my 2 cents.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Simply put at her age she is nearing the end of the baby making stage that has to do with some of this.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Oh if you only knew how much other guys here would like your problem.
> Communication and compromise are key here. Do not be passive aggressive and let this fester.
> Just my 2 cents.


Ha! I would have loved this problem too, two or three years ago. In fact, like a lot of guys, I think, I got very used to having less sex than I wanted. But now we have a toddler and I have a stressful job and lately I just don't have that much sex drive, I mean not like I did.

Plus there's the whole thing of just not being able to figure out what she wants me to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like she isn't attracted to me anymore but she insists it's not that.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Ha! I would have loved this problem too, two or three years ago. In fact, like a lot of guys, I think, I got very used to having less sex than I wanted. But now we have a toddler and I have a stressful job and lately I just don't have that much sex drive, I mean not like I did.
> 
> Plus there's the whole thing of just not being able to figure out what she wants me to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like she isn't attracted to me anymore but she insists it's not that.


Ok please read

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
Check it out that's all.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Find out what's on her kindle. Read it.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Find out what's on her kindle. Read it.


Ooooh boy I hope not another 50 shades story.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You can have a chick magnet physique and tons of stamina with two or three workouts a week of 15 minutes each. 

High Intensity Training the Mike Mentzer Way

this is exactly how I train my younger (under 40) clients. combine that with proper eating and you'll have her slobbering all over you instead of criticizing your technique. Most of it is in her head, anyway.

That's very easy to fix and there is no excuses about time or age. You're at your peak of sexual attraction, assuming you're not a lard ass, at age 35.

It's also pretty clear that you're experiencing a drop in Testosterone. If you start doing Mentzer's HIT program, that will increase your testosterone. Eat plenty of saturated fats and get 8+ hours of sleep nightly and your T should skyrocket back to age 20 levels.

Read MMSL as you have been directed to do. ASAP. This will give you some quick and dirty insight into the female libido.

I also agree that you need to find out what is influencing her change in sexual appetites and tastes.

Get with the program.


----------



## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Ride the wave and enjoy it while it lasts.

even though you are tired 30 mins will make the world go around.

Experiment a little. Different places in the house.......(one cool little thing I have done before is get a dozen roses and place them at different locations throughout the house. Let her figure out what those locations have in common. Of course they are the next 12 places you want to have sex. It can be done even with kids in the house)

Just be a little bit creative. there are 100's of guys on here wishing they had this issue with their wives so smile big at knowing this is a great issue to have.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I've done the same thing to my husband this past year. It's like you can see how you are acting but are unable to feel differently. I changed the rules on him and know he also feels insecure. Like you said, the insecurity feeds the inability for inhibition.

But anyway - you said she doesn't know herself what she wants. (Which I can also relate to.) You can try just using more force. Restraining her somewhat. Blatantly come on to her in other areas of the house than the bedroom. 

Anons suggestion to look through what she's reading is good as well. If nothing else erotica can give you some ideas of what to do.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Enjoy it while it lasts. Later on you will have some good memories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

John Lee said:


> She has remarked that she wanted me to be more of an "*******" in bed, but then other times lately she's complained that I was being too rough (even when I wasn't trying to be). She's also told me that certain things I do she's disliked for "years" even though she's never told me -- a horrible thing to find out!


That is on her, and you need to clearly communicate that. If she does not like something, she needs to speak up. She has at least some times (about you being too rough), so no excuse for not doing so other times.

There are things she can do to be a wh0re in bed (at least that is how I read the ******* in your post) that are not as rough. Since you have been vanilla, try some things that are a bit less vanilla, if you will. Tying her up, oral on you after PIV, anal, etc. Make her masturbate for you or service you. You can be dominate without being rough. These sorts of things can be tough to ask for, as it may seem less authentic.

Anon is right about checking what she is reading (check her night stand for books and her computer for browsing history). This may give you an idea about what is turning her on.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I agree do not let work be an excuse to not take care of your body -eat healthy and get some exercise. You will be glad you did in twenty years. 

Maybe she wants to be dominated some but not handled roughly? 

I think you just need to step out of your comfort zone for her. If she knows you care enough to make the effort that goes a long way. 

You can experiment with role playing and it does not have to end in sex at first. Maybe the new situation will put you off a bit until you get past your stage fright. Do not be defensive women are an ever changing target and you can't modify your technique if she is not giving you proper feedback. -that was her problem and not yours.

Just explain to her that you are a bit uncomfortable in new situations and it might take some time to get comfortable. My wife is very much a routine type also and she freezes up a bit if I change things up.

Make sure you are listening to what she says without being defensive or inserting your point of view. You will have opportunities to talk some other time. Just confirm that you are hearing her and accepting what she says. 

Mostly women (that like sex) just like men to be very assertive. Instead of being relaxed and casual about sex.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How about putting together some fantasy sorts of things? This would up the novelty factor without having to increase the frequency.

For example, take her to one of those romantic theme bed/breakfast places for a night. They have themed rooms to make it interesting.

Or get a cheap blindfold. Use a necktie even, and blindfold her. Maybe use another tie to loosely secure her hands. Then have fun with her. Or do the reverse, blindfold yourself.

Take her to a nightclub and pick her up as if you were a stranger, then bang her in the backseat of your car (don't let her know the plan).

Come up with a sex bucket list. There are some good ideas out there on the web, plus a few books.

Have a "Your Night" then a "My Night". On her night she has to tell you what she wants. It can be general, but more specificity is better. It can even be to the point where she directs you move by move.

In general, your energy level is a bad thing. Get better nutrition and get some exercise. Turn off the tv and go for a walk. Wake up 15 minutes earlier and do some basic exercises like pushups, planks, pullups. Being too busy is not an excuse, it is a reason to get exercise.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Lately I have been doing this:

How To Get Fit With 3 Minutes Of Exercise A Week:How To Get Fit With 3 Minutes Of Exercise A Week: BBC Doc Tries "HIT" - Medical News Today

"Professor Martin Gibala and his team at McMaster University, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, carried out a study on college students, and discoverd HIT delivers the same physical benefits as traditional endurance training, even though it takes considerably less time, and surprisingly, involves doing less exercise."

Along with a good diet high in fresh fruits and vegetables -low in processed foods

Along with walking my dog several days a week I have lost 25 pounds in five months and feel much better.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm a big fan of trying a Gluten Free diet. Many people have a low level malaise due to gluten issues. Try it for a month. It is tough at first because gluten hides in all kinds of processed foods and restaurant foods. So you have to cook much of your own stuff and be careful if you have to eat out. No beer, either!

After a month, see how you feel. Then go back on gluten and see how you feel.

Small changes can have a big effect. Just walking daily can increase energy and improve sleep. Cut out the sodas, and even cut out the caffeine (my personal weakness).


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Thor said:


> I'm a big fan of trying a Gluten Free diet. Many people have a low level malaise due to gluten issues. Try it for a month. It is tough at first because gluten hides in all kinds of processed foods and restaurant foods. So you have to cook much of your own stuff and be careful if you have to eat out. No beer, either!
> 
> After a month, see how you feel. Then go back on gluten and see how you feel.
> 
> Small changes can have a big effect. Just walking daily can increase energy and improve sleep. Cut out the sodas, and even cut out the caffeine (my personal weakness).


I got all kinds of unexpected benefits by dropping grain, which I did for fat loss. I lost 60# of fat, but I also lost the arthritis in my hip.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Well, some good news -- one poster above mentioned getting a lot of sleep, and work finally hit a lull, so I got two nights in a row of very good sleep and even took naps. Sex was instantly like 5x better for both of us, and I felt much more at ease and less worried. We also were able to talk things out a little.

Another problem that I forgot to mention is that my wife is on medication that makes it harder to have an orgasm -- she used to be an easy comer, so to speak, but it became more challenging. She's been on the meds for a while, so sometimes I forget that it's an issue, but it does complicate things.


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

You both need to sit down and talk about sex. She need to tell you what she wants and you need to tell her what you want. Don't be afraid to say you are not comfortable doing something. If you don't and continue to do it, eventually you will start to resent her for it and it goes downhill from there. Also if her needs go unmet, she could find someone else to meet them. She probably won't go looking for this, it will just happen. 

BTW. I work 60+ hours a week and there is no amount of sleep I would not be willing to loose for quality sexual intimacy with my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

