# Higher sex drive than my wife



## CL3 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi guys,
Thought we could have a bit of a discussion? Been together for 12 years and married for 5 of those. We have 2 wonderful children and most things are good. Except affection and making love. I am naturally an affectionate person and display it anywhere and feel that it is a very important part of life. I am by no means smothering by the way. I just like to make sure that she feels loved and attractive, because she is. My wife has not told me that I am overly affectionate, but she is nowhere near as affectionate as I am. I have always tried to deal with it and understand that not everybody is affectionate, and it has worked for a while, but I'm really starting to feel rejected, unattractive and just plain unwanted. Sex is also an issue for us. I have a higher sex drive than her and honestly I don't think I am wanting it too much. I would be happy with 2 or 3 times a week. I am attracted to her in all ways and can't help it if she turns me on and I want to make her feel good, and make both of us feel good. I work full time, my wife is part time (about 16 hours a week) which is great because that is what she wants. I help around the house, with the children, I'm involved in everything to do with us as a family. It's not as if I spend all my spare time out everywhere except home and then expect what I want when I get home. We cuddle whilst we are watching TV, when we wake up, before we go to bed. This sucks because it always turns into more for me. Here I am aroused and we're doing nothing about it. I let her know it is there, but I am not forceful about it at all. Then more often than not it is ignored and I get the ****s. Is she not aroused too? Why is she not attracted to me now? How is it possible that she can ignore it like this? etc etc. . . I am a generous and attentive lover and I have never said no to my wife for sex, much less most things. I thoroughly enjoy foreplay and do not rush. I t is a time to be enjoyed and the journey is as imortant as the destination. Cliche I know but that is how I feel. As a male I try to ensure my wife reaches 'the heights' first if not together. And if I cannot do this, I will always make sure the big O arrives one way or another. I always instigate sex and a little while ago I did not instigate to see what would happen. I lasted about a month and could not handle it any longer. We talk about it all the time. We talk about the lack of affection and sex usually at the same time. Things are OK for a little while then nothing again. I feel like I am always being rejected and I have never said no. I feel like we can only have sex for so long and then when our bodies start to break down things don't work as well as they used to. Why waste it??? Only to look back one day and go "Wow. I can't do that anymore. I should have shared that part of my life more". I don't want us to do that. It isn't as if I'm not pulling my weight in other areas of our life. I do my best to ensure there is as least stress and discomfort in our lives as possible. I really don't know what to do. I am starting to think less of myself, and worried that I may look elsewhere if it continues.


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## fixmywife (Feb 16, 2012)

Your life sounds very familiar to mine! Not sure what to tell you but I think I may just throw in the towel. I am like you I do more than my fair share aroung the house and stay involved in the family life and nothing gets better! I dont have any solid advice but hang in there its not your fault!


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Sounds like your behavior patterns are setting you up for this. You are acting like her girlfriend/roommate, not her husband.

She is sexually attracted to alpha, you are beta. She likes beta but doesn't lust it. Biology my friend. Take a look at Athol Kay's blog..........Married Man Sex Life and follow his excellent advice. You'll wildly improve your marriage and your sex life.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Have you talked to her about your needs? My husband never ever once told me how important sex was to him or a man. I did figure it out on my own, but it wasn't until my own sex drive kicked in, which was in my mid-late 30's. My sex drive is higher then my husbands at the moment.lol

Maybe it won't be long before hers kicks in. My husband is a very nice guy and I absolutely adore him for that. I do not like the "alpha" type. My husband is affectionate like you are, but so am I. We both snuggle up every night together holding hands hanging out. I do wish my husband would of expressed his needs to me. We are very good at communication, but I'm sure he didn't want to hurt my feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I do not like the "alpha" type. ....... We are very good at communication, but I'm sure he didn't want to hurt my feelings._Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife doesn't like the stereotype of the "alpha" either, but she does appreciate decisiveness both in life and in the bedroom. Being alpha does not equal being a jerk.

You say you are good at communication, but your husband isn't telling you what he really wants. Why? Because he was taught to be a nice guy and "doesn't want to hurt your feelings". So, he represses his true desires and directs that energy into other areas. This is not the wife's fault - he is an adult and should be asking for what he wants. Problem is, he was taught not to....see the bind?:scratchhead:


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## CL3 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think you've jumped a bit ahead of yourself FormerNiceGuy. I read the blog, but that's not me. I am the dominant partner in the relationship but that does not mean I am going to knock her on the head "take what is rightfully mine" like your mate Athol. I have grown my balls, and I know where I am on this sphere. There is a difference between enjoying sex with your partner and one of you doing it because they think they have to. I would prefer the former so this is why I do not forcefully press the issue with my 'iron fist'.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

CL3 said:


> I read the blog, but that's not me. I am the dominant partner in the relationship but that does not mean I am going to knock her on the head "take what is rightfully mine" like your mate Athol.


You say you've read the blog. But you obviously don't understand it. You should try again. Athol isn't about bullying your wife into sex. His blog is about men becoming more attractive to their wives. What a crazy idea, huh?

You say you work full time, your wife works part time, but you share the household chores? It sounds like you're doing too much. Maybe your wife has become too comfortable letting you serve her. Maybe you've become the help. Women don't like to screw the help.

In addition to Athol's advice, which I think is probably the best, you should check out The Five Love Languages. You seem to value physical touch as an expression of love. Maybe your wife doesn't value physical touch at all. Maybe she wants something else that you're not giving her.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Have you talked to her about your needs? My husband never ever once told me how important sex was to him or a man. I did figure it out on my own, but it wasn't until my own sex drive kicked in, which was in my mid-late 30's. My sex drive is higher then my husbands at the moment.lol
> 
> Maybe it won't be long before hers kicks in. My husband is a very nice guy and I absolutely adore him for that. I do not like the "alpha" type. My husband is affectionate like you are, but so am I. We both snuggle up every night together holding hands hanging out. I do wish my husband would of expressed his needs to me. We are very good at communication, but I'm sure he didn't want to hurt my feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I remember right you and your husband are in very good physical shape? That's an Alpha quality right there.

Don't let PUA and other uses of "Alpha" and "Beta" make you think that Alpha = jerk. It doesn't.

If you didn't like Alpha qualities in a male, then I'm assuming that you made all the moves and initiations with your husband when you were dating? If not...guess what...that's another Alpha quality he has.

It's not something you "decided" you don't like about a man, or you husband. Alpha attraction is hard wired into your brain, just like sex and visual attraction is hard wired into ours, being men.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

CL3 said:


> I think you've jumped a bit ahead of yourself FormerNiceGuy. I read the blog, but that's not me. I am the dominant partner in the relationship but that does not mean I am going to knock her on the head "take what is rightfully mine" like your mate Athol. I have grown my balls, and I know where I am on this sphere. There is a difference between enjoying sex with your partner and one of you doing it because they think they have to. I would prefer the former so this is why I do not forcefully press the issue with my 'iron fist'.


You obviously didn’t read much. Spend $10 and read the book. It’s $10, so give up two Starbucks coffees. I GUARANTEE YOU if you READ the entire book, and keep an open mind you will be shocked about what you realize.

It’s not “taking what is rightfully mine” it’s improving YOURSELF and the way you interact with your wife.

When you were dating your wife, was she more affectionate and more into sex that she seems to be now?

Ever wonder why? Don’t use the “children” or “that’s marriage” excuse. I’ve been there. Married 16+ years, I can tell you that excuse won’t fly for long.

READ READ READ. You are judging his stuff without truly understanding it.

You can dismiss Athol’s blog and our recommendations. That’s your choice. However, when the nice and polite conversations about more sex and affection stop working, what then?

When arguments start happening about sex, and it gets worse, what then?

How long do you think you can go on with a sex life you OBVIOUSLY aren’t happy with? You can only fool rationalize things to yourself for so long.

You are making the same mistakes that A LOT of us have made, including myself. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t have Athol’s book 15 years ago. I guarantee my marriage would have been so much fuller and happier over the years, for BOTH myself and my wife.

I was in the infantry for more than a few years. We had a motto there, I will never forget.
“If it’s stupid and it works, it’s not stupid.”

Good luck. I hope you decide to at least read the book and not just random posts and actually keep an open mind. If not, you are in for a HELL OF A RIDE. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemies.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

There are many things in your post that are exactly the same in our marriage. We got married at 16 & 17 and have been married for 39 years. I have a hot wife too and want her all of the time. Here are somethings that I have learned:

1. My love languages are quality time and physical touch. Hers are acts of service and words of affirmation. I am very affectionate, but that does not speak to her. I needed to learn to speak her language.

2. Many women have "responsive desire" meaning they don't think about sex all that often. When asked, "Do you want to have sex?" they will say, "I really don't feel like it." And they don't until they get into it. Read more about that here: do you know when you want it? | Emily Nagoski :: sex nerd ::

3. You will not understand MMSL until you read the book. It is not about demanding anything. Here are some small changes that I have made.

a. I no longer ask for sex, I just expect that we will be having it. Or, I simply say that we are having sex tonight. If she really can't physically (she has some chronic pain) she will say no, how about tomorrow? I can then say, "great...I love you" and go about my day.

b. I no longer have the expectation that she orgasm every time. She does 95% of the time, but there have been times that she did not want sex because she was just too tired or preoccupied to orgasm. She is perfectly happy letting me have mine. She, in fact, has thanked me for that.

c. We have put into practice the "Captain, First Officer" plan into our relationship. Read the book ad you will understand.

In all of this I think the two biggest lessons for you to learn are to discover her love language and realize that she most likely has responsive desire and it has nothing to do with her not loving you or being attracted to you.

Oh...and by the way, we are now having sex 3-4 times a week. We went to a cabin in the woods last weekend and had sex 5 times in 3 days.

Hope this helps!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I echo romantic guy's points and note a couple of others:

1. Sex with your wife does not start that evening at 11 pm. It starts on the couch (you have that point right) at 8 pm, it starts with the flirty text at 1:38 pm, it starts with the kiss when you pull her into you right before you head off to work. You need to lay the foundation that you desire her and that she is desireable long before you "make your move".

2. Be assertive and unashamed of your desire for her. She likes that you want her. She may give you a bad time about it, but she likely does not mean it. Being wanted is a good feeling.

3. Recognize that as the man, you will need to be the initiator. It is a fact of life. When she says no, shrug your shoulders, say okay, and go to sleep or do something else. Not in a huff or pouting, but as acceptance. By not putting pressure on her (making it safe for her to say no), she will actually be more likely to say yes.

4. Date her. Do stuff like you did when you were dating. Not just romantic dinners and the like, but fun things (going to a comedy club or an adult arcade). People are naturally attracted to people who are fun to be around. Your wife liked you for a reason, and probably thought you were attractive. Be a bit more like that guy back then.


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