# Female Friends



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Yep.. the old opposite sex friends debate. My STBXH has had inappropriate "friendships" with females, usually ones from his past, for the entire 13 yrs we were married. A few he got way to close to, one her definitely had an EA with. 

The usual EA stuff: my wife is mean to me, she doesn't give me sex, she is a horrible person. The typical speel of cheaters.

I set boundaries with him after I found out he had been seeing these women all along, even though he says "we're just friends". After he crossed that hard line last summer, after he lied and said he wouldn't see them anymore, I asked him to move out.

Fast forward, he confesses to me in Spring this year one of his "friends" is pregnant. To him. I file divorce papers. 

Lately he has been showing true remorse and confessing having these female relationships was indeed harmful to our relationship.

So just when I think he's actually owning it and maybe he will change....

I find out today he's taking our son along on outings with yet another old female "friend". 

He just doesn't get it, he never will. He never cared enough to realize what damage these "relationships" had on our marriage.

They never change, its in the genes.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Continue with the divorce. Get an injunction baring him from taking your son near any of his "friends".


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## OlderAndWiser (Apr 17, 2013)

I agree with Middleman......just divorce him. He's not worth anymore time or thought or consideration. Move on.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Continue with the divorce. Get an injunction baring him from taking your son near any of his "friends".


You can't legally get this injunction. I understand the idea but it will not fly in court. 

I am sorry. Continue with the Divorce if that is what you really want. I think it is best for you to do so but all that matters is what you think. I am so sorry you are here.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can't help but be curious by the details.

Broken, does the mother of his child want an exclusive relationship with him? Or just his child support?

And what how deep of a friendship is this other woman that he has been taking your son to visit?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Sorry to say but cheaters be cheating and they justify it to themselves every time.

Continue with your divorce and keep moving forward without him, when he sees you are moving ahead without him then he'll get it, but by then it will be too late!!!!

Chin up, at least you are not seriously wanting to take him back now.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> He just doesn't get it, he never will. He never cared enough to realize what damage these "relationships" had on our marriage.
> 
> They never change, its in the genes.


Betraying is an addiction. He was giving you the denial talk for all those years and now you find out the truth.

I really feel for you. That said, and not to disrespect you, but you should have done something about this years ago.

I wish you well.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> You can't legally get this injunction. I understand the idea but it will not fly in court.
> 
> I am sorry. Continue with the Divorce if that is what you really want. I think it is best for you to do so but all that matters is what you think. I am so sorry you are here.


Clearly injunction is not the right word, but the courts can set limitations on where he can take the son and who they visit.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I can't help but be curious by the details.
> 
> Broken, does the mother of his child want an exclusive relationship with him? Or just his child support?
> 
> And what how deep of a friendship is this other woman that he has been taking your son to visit?


Pregnant OW wants a relationship with him - pretty desperately, enough to "accidentally" get pregnant. Long story on that bit 

He does not want a relationship with her, and hes not sure if he wants a relationship with the child yet, but sure as heck he will be paying support. We were reconciling when she told him she was pregnant.

The "friend" from today, is yet another 20+ year "friendship".


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Clearly injunction is not the right word, *but the courts can set limitations on where he can take the son and who they visit*.


Not in CA unfortunately. Fought that battle already in court. He can do whatever he wants and take him to see whoever he wants, as long as there is no alcohol or drug abuse, or physical abuse.

Don'tcha love California?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Don'tcha love California?


Not really.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Some of these female "friends" - over the years he has gone to them and discussed our marriage and private life in great detail. That broke my heart. 

How could I ever tell him anything ever again? I can't trust telling my secrets, fears and feelings to someone who tells other women everything I tell him and how crappy a person I am and how unhappy he is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cheaterville for all of them.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> Pregnant OW wants a relationship with him - pretty desperately, enough to "accidentally" get pregnant. Long story on that bit
> 
> He does not want a relationship with her, and hes not sure if he wants a relationship with the child yet, but sure as heck he will be paying support. We were reconciling when she told him she was pregnant.
> 
> The "friend" from today, is yet another 20+ year "friendship".


Hold on, this is a COMPLETELY different woman? It isn't the pregnant woman? WOW.
Divorce, now.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes - different woman. There's a whole bunch of these women sniffing around him, always has been. They know no boundaries, what is an appropriate relationship with a married man...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Unfortunately you will need to prepare for your son to be exposed to other women. It is all part of D and unless these women have criminal records or whatever, during and after the D, he will more then likely become part of their lives. 

For the BS it is just more insult to injury.

Hugs to you. This is just so wrong in so many ways. 

Get tested for STD's.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

How does he know the OW is pregnant and more importantly, how does he know it is his?

You need to just move on. Not worth working with this one.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Clearly injunction is not the right word, but the courts can set limitations on where he can take the son and who they visit.


Middleman, this is not legal in any state I believe. It doesn't make it right. It is just not illegal. There has to be extenuating circumstances involved. A physical or real threat to the child has to be there, not that the other person is a scumbag.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> The usual EA stuff: my wife is mean to me, she doesn't give me sex...


Just out of curiosity....were you mean to him? Did you withhold sex?


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Middleman, this is not legal in any state I believe. It doesn't make it right. It is just not illegal. There has to be extenuating circumstances involved. A physical or real threat to the child has to be there, not that the other person is a scumbag.


:iagree:
Unless there is criminal record, or a clear and present danger to the child, you will not be able to keep your child from whoever the xW or xH chooses to see. You just hope that whoever it is, that is a significant relationship (usually the timeline is 6 months) before exposing the child to this person.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

MrK said:


> Just out of curiosity....were you mean to him? Did you withhold sex?


I guess after years of him ignoring me, running off to his female friends to save them from their latest crisis, and telling me I was too fat to have sex with (untrue) I was mean (resentful) to him and didn't want sex anymore.

So what he told them was true, but he left out the first 75% of the story.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> I guess after years of him ignoring me, running off to his female friends to save them from their latest crisis, and telling me I was too fat to have sex with (untrue) I was mean (resentful) to him and didn't want sex anymore.
> 
> So what he told them was true, but he left out the first 75% of the story.


Oh yes, telling your spouse hurtful things ALWAYS makes them want to give you sex./end sarcasm.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Yes - different woman. There's a whole bunch of these women sniffing around him, always has been. They know no boundaries, what is an appropriate relationship with a married man...


I'd say the common boundary problem was your STBXH...

C


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Yes - different woman. There's a whole bunch of these women sniffing around him, always has been. They know no boundaries,* what is an appropriate relationship with a married man...*


This guy can't be trusted....EVER. 

I'm a man, and I don't hang out with women unless my girlfriend is there...it's out of respect for my girlfriend. If she was hanging out with dudes while I'm not around, it's a deal breaker for me....that IS the boundary. We both know what is acceptable.

No talking and confiding secrets to someone of the opposite sex. I've heard of some people who this works for, but it doesn't work for me. I've seen it go wrong so many times...it's like playing with fire. 

If that is your boundary, you have to enforce it. It appears you never really enforced it, he walked all over it countless times, and he's just going to keep doing that if you let him. You gotta cut him loose....he's a piece of chit that can't be trusted, and he doesn't deserve yet another chance.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

tulsy said:


> This guy can't be trusted....EVER.
> 
> I'm a man, and I don't hang out with women unless my girlfriend is there...it's out of respect for my girlfriend. If she was hanging out with dudes while I'm not around, it's a deal breaker for me....that IS the boundary. We both know what is acceptable.
> 
> ...


I enforced it - last year - when I kicked him out and filed for divorce when I found him yet again seeing one of the main "female" friends that has managed to wedge herself in between us for so many years. I had told him previously I would not be in any type of relationship with him if he continued to see her or any other women behind my back.

When he continued I made him move out of our house and filed papers. I meant what I said to him.


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