# OW still contacting him



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

So we've been spending a lot of time together lately (his idea) and I must admit it has been nice.

Yesterday we went out and had lunch then went to a movie. All through the movie his phone is going off, I snuck at look at the screen and its her, calling and calling. I was so angry.

She's probably having one of her many personal crisises. She uses him as her personal shrink.

Whenever this happens I just think this marriage really is doomed. She's never going to leave him alone. I'm going to spend the rest of my life upset when his female "friends" interrupt out family time.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> So we've been spending a lot of time together lately (his idea) and I must admit it has been nice.
> 
> Yesterday we went out and had lunch then went to a movie. All through the movie his phone is going off, I snuck at look at the screen and its her, calling and calling. I was so angry.
> 
> ...


Tell him posOW has got to go.

And, mean it.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Tell him posOW has got to go.
> 
> And, mean it.


Believe me I've told him.

He has said quote: "I will never give up my friends" and "I've known her a lot longer than I've known you".

HE actually did tell her no more contact at the beginning of the year, then she attempted suicide and he feels guilty. I don't consider that an excuse to stay in her life. 

Bottom line is he values his "friends" more than he values his family. I suspect this has a lot to do with his upbringing. Divorced parents both remarried to abusive spouses. He would never spend holidays or time with them, he went to his friends instead.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. I want someone who values me and truly cares about my feelings.

I have been hesitating filing because we have a young child together and he is not handling our separation well. I fear he will turn out like his father - not knowing what a family and marriage is supposed to be like.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

If you want the marriage to work then she has to go. You will never be able to reconcile with him if she has continued contact. If you are truly seperated and divorcing then you have no say in the matter.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Be assertive.

Get a copy of the no contact letter in Jellybeans' signature.

Put it in front of him and request that he sign it.

Go with him to deliver it to her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He MAY be securing his home turf. I think this is called cake-eating. Some men get a high of knowing two women are competing for his attention. And to be fair, some women get a high from knowing two men are competing for her attention. (And all other flavors of this scenario, too.)


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Here's the kicker guys: she has no romantic interest in him and he knows it. 

He was in love with her for 10 years before we met. She never wanted to be with him except as a "friend". She married and divorced someone else, twice!

She uses him as her personal shrink and he happily goes running to her whenever she calls. She knows how I feel about her contact and intimate talks with my husband and still she does it. And he still allows it.

Him and her have been having intimate talks and meetings (secret) for years I just found out about it early this year. He has used her as his personal marriage counsellor which makes me feel sick - knowing that she knows every dirty secret about me and my relationship with my husband.

I found old diaries of his where he writes of how perfect she is, and is she would only love me like I love her, AND "all the girls I date none of them come close to HER.

It's sick and messed up. He would rather dump his family and 12 yr marriage just to have the "perfect" woman in his life, however he can get her. She is dating someone else now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like you're afraid he'll choose his friendship with her.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

underwater2010 said:


> If you want the marriage to work then she has to go. You will never be able to reconcile with him if she has continued contact. If you are truly seperated and divorcing then you have no say in the matter.


I know this and I've told him this. He refuses to give her up and I said you;ve made your choice, he replied You've made yours.

Nice huh?

I can't make him do anything, all I can do is show him the consequences and leave for good, of which he doesn't care anyway.

He's given me some speel about how this breaks his heart, etc, etc.. but he still does the very thing that is making me leave.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like you're afraid he'll choose his friendship with her.


He has chosen his friendship with her over me and our son. I kicked him out of the house 3 mths ago when I learned this. 

He's been asking to see me and taking me out the past 6 wks or so.

My decision still stands. Her or me. He chose her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> He has chosen his friendship with her over me and our son. I kicked him out of the house 3 mths ago when I learned this.
> 
> He's been asking to see me and taking me out the past 6 wks or so.
> 
> My decision still stands. Her or me. He chose her.


Yet you're going out with him.

He's not listening to what you're saying, he's watching what you're doing.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Yet you're going out with him.
> 
> He's not listening to what you're saying, he's watching what you're doing.


I wanted to give him another chance before I file... I want to save my family from divorce but I won't tolerate this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> I wanted to give him another chance before I file... I want to save my family from divorce but I won't tolerate this.


He doesn't believe you're serious.

You're not acting like it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I wanted to give him another chance before I file... I want to save my family from divorce but I won't tolerate this.


You can't give him another chance until OW is gone....

You giving him another chance while she is still in the picture only contributes to his cake eating attitude.

The statements he gives you are not from a man who wants his marriage to work.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Here's the kicker guys: she has no romantic interest in him and he knows it.
> 
> He was in love with her for 10 years before we met. She never wanted to be with him except as a "friend". She married and divorced someone else, twice!
> 
> ...



I know it is hard but all what you say above made me think he is madly in love with her and he'll waiting for her to give him the green light , despite hers marriages and affairs .

He doesn't love you , you're his Plan B only and since I'm on the same team I know how it feels and I'm sorry for you.

You best bet I think is D and no going back . Obviously when you file he'll get scary and will take you serious , he'll stop talking to her for awhile so to make you happy , but then when settle down he'll continue pursue her because he is obsessed with her. All this from the man standpoint .

Good luck and stay strong, hope you'll get the right decision for your self .


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Are you prolonging filing because you're still holding out hope that he will choose you over her? The past is the best indicator of the future in many cases. You have given him the opportunity to make his decision. He's made it. You can't control that - all you can do is accept it. Does it hurt? Of course. Is it ludicrous to you and most of us? Without a doubt. But none of that changes his decision. As much as you want to, you can't will him to change his mind.

I know what it's like to want to hold on. But it sounds like you've run out of rope to hold onto. Time to let go. File for yourself because you know you deserve better. You deserve more than he can give you. Continuing to spend time with him may feel nice in the moment (when she isn't calling that is), but be honest with yourself. You're just postponing the inevitable. Time to move on. Close this chapter and begin the healing process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Lose him. No man (or woman) is worth the pain you're going through. He doesn't even WANT to stop. Can't you see that?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You are right he doesn't want to stop he's even admitted he won't give her up.

He's told me so many times over the years what a crappy person I am. He loves to point out my "bad" faults. And he compares me to HER. She "accepts him for who he is". She doesn't fight with him. 

I suspect she is so "accepting" because she uses him as her personal shrink and has no other expectations of him. She doesn't expect him to love her or be faithful to her or spend time as a family. All she expects is for him to come running when she has a crisis and be her shoulder to cry on.

He's told me she's not there for him sometimes when we wants to talk (about me and our marriage).

I tend to agree I am plan B, probably always have been. And if she gave him the green light he would dump me in a millisecond and run to her side. It makes me sick that he thinks she is so perfect. She's a mental mess, 2 divorces behind her, messed up family, yet I'm the bad guy in it all.

I'm tired of being made to feel crappy about myself. I have been wondering why he wants to spend to much time with me lately. I suspect he feels I'm lonely and being the rescuer he is, he is doing it out of pity.

She's not the only SINGLE female he spends time with, there are others too I know about.

He is emotionally distant, has always kept to himself (except with her) and our MC (who we no longer see - he quit) told me she thinks he has these female relationships because they do not require any real intimacy or commitment from him yet he can fool himself into thinking they are real relationships. I tend to agree I think its all he's capable of.

He blames all of our relationship issues on ME.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you in therapy?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, I hope you divorce him STAT. He does not deserve you and you do not deserve this. She must be a real piece of work, too, to cavort with him knowing full well the damage it's caused to your marriage.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Are you in therapy?


HELL YEAH I am


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> HELL YEAH I am


Is your counselor challenging you?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, I hope you divorce him STAT. He does not deserve you and you do not deserve this. She must be a real piece of work, too, to cavort with him knowing full well the damage it's caused to your marriage.


Yep Candie I think it's time. I've given him plenty of chances.

Yeah she's a real peach. She knows exactly what she's doing - she destroyed her own marriages she doesn't care what she does to his. He's admitted to me she's selfish ie: she wants his attention but doesn;t want to be there for him.

He's as much to blame - he allows this to happen.

What goes around comes around eventually. I truly believe he will never have a real relationship again. He'll have a series of girlfriends, all of them messed up or with problems, but I think he's uncomfortable with the level of commitment a marriage takes.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Is your counselor challenging you?


What do you mean?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I know it is easy to say it , but I truly think you should D him ASAP , he won't change . From the man standpoint - she is his idea fix !

Best for you is to forget him asap .


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

BigMac said:


> I know it is easy to say it , but I truly think you should D him ASAP , he won't change . From the man standpoint - she is his idea fix !
> 
> Best for you is to forget him asap .


I know it is and I am very much coming to that point. 

What gets me is I have told him for years the damage these "friendships" do to our marriage. I've told him knowing he has intimate emotional contact with these women makes me want to withdraw and have no intimacy of ANY kind with him. I've told him it kills the feelings I have for him. I've told him I can't trust him anymore. I've told him and told him.

All he says is "I'm not giving up my friends I've known for longer than I've known you". Wow.. that makes me feel so loved and cared about...

He won't change. It makes me so incredibly sad myself and our family of 12 yrs can be thrown away so easily. But I guess that's the common thread on TAM!!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like you're afraid he'll choose his friendship with her.


Looks to me like he already has. :-(


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

SO he blames you and her for the issues, but not himself...

Get rid of the loser...you can do so much better. Your feelings and concerns mean nothing to him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> He's told me so many times over the years what a crappy person I am. He loves to point out my "bad" faults. And he compares me to HER.


Be sure to kick him in the b*lls on the way to divorce court by pointing out, "You're right, [STBXH's name], she is MUCH better than me; she's smart enough to never date OR marry you! She's got a lot of problems, but at least she's not STUPID!" Then walk away.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> I know it is and I am very much coming to that point.
> 
> What gets me is I have told him for years the damage these "friendships" do to our marriage. I've told him knowing he has intimate emotional contact with these women makes me want to withdraw and have no intimacy of ANY kind with him. I've told him it kills the feelings I have for him. I've told him I can't trust him anymore. I've told him and told him.
> 
> ...


Where is he living right now? You threw him out, right? He probably thinks you'll never go through with a divorce. Do it. Divorce him. By your account, he's been hankering after this woman your entire relationship anyway. Just let him go, you'll be much better off. Stop talking to him right now, file your proceedings, and start getting on with your life. Your living well will be the best revenge.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

:iagree:


SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Be sure to kick him in the b*lls on the way to divorce court by pointing out, "You're right, [STBXH's name], she is MUCH better than me; she's smart enough to never date OR marry you! She's got a lot of problems, but at least she's not STUPID!" Then walk away.


 I don't know how I missed that part - he compares you to her...Oh HELL-O NO!!!! Kick him hard and multiple times and be done. Sorry you are here. He should be so yesterday to you. I am a cheerleader for working through an affair, but this is not one of the times. For your own health and sanity, do not give this POS another second of your life. To someone special, you will be their ideal woman. This POS is not even worthy of another POS. And this OW - OK - so maybe they deserve each other. She will break his heart like he did yours. Take your life back and don't leave any room for him in it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I also missed where he compared you to her...TO YOUR FACE. What level of disrespect. He knows your concerns and throws her around in your face and even says how she is better than you...wow.

If she's so great, let him go to her. You want someone who loves and respects you anyways


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

That's what I tell him.. go tell it to her. He says "I will".

I've done the 180 before. Told him I was going to move ahead with the divorce. He crawled back 2 weeks later telling me all the right things. Told me he would stop contact. 3 months later I find out he's seeing her again - behind my back of course. I found out by sheer chance, saw their posts back and forth on the digital devil: facebook. Then I find out this was right after her latest suicide attempt occured. Of course he ran to her side. He told me she refused to see him, told him YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE!! Yes the choice was me HIS WIFE! Is she for real? When I confronted him he defriended me and hid his profile and so did she.

That's when I kicked him out. He's been sending me apologies AGAIN and telling me he would do things differently, etc. but he's still in contact with her. I told him once again - we cannot make this marriage work with her in between us. He honestly doesn't think its a big deal. "We're just friends". "There's nothing going on between us". "She's not interested in me". "I can't s*&t on my friends just because you want me to". "I've known her way before I met you". AND "she's not in between us".

He has no sense of what a family is and even though he's been seeing a therapist for a year he told me he quote: doesn't agree with what she says.

I don't know why I am having such a hard time making this final decision. I know I need to do it. If it wasn't for us having a child together I would have done it long ago. My little boy is already devastated. He's on the autism scale and doesn't handle his emotions well. My heart so breaks for him. I've only been giving my STBXH another chance to see if he really will turn things around.

He won't and has not. I am so incredibly sad.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

As long as YOU are "giving him a chance", he won't.

If you move forward with YOUR life, he may decide to ask to join you.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you married to my STBX??? They are exactly the same! I believe in opposite-gender friendships, but my male friends are work buddies and we get together in a group for lunch or after work. No late-night calls or intimate conversations. That is disrespectful to the marriage. Believe me, I know how hard it is to let go when there's no obvious cheating, but these guys have been cheating our marriages of intimacy for years. I never thought of my STBX having female friendships to avoid intimacy, but boy, that sure makes sense!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> He has chosen his friendship with her over me and our son. I kicked him out of the house 3 mths ago when I learned this.
> 
> He's been asking to see me and taking me out the past 6 wks or so.
> 
> My decision still stands. Her or me. He chose her.


Your decision may stand but meanwhile you're sitting next to him in a movie theater while he exchanges texts with her. You're probably still having sex with him, aren't you.

When you say one thing and do something else you lose your credibility and you won't get any respect.

That's exactly what's happening here.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> If you move forward with YOUR life, he may decide to ask to join you.


Yeah, and then tell him to P*SS OFF! This is ONE lying, cheating, sneaking POS that you will NEVER be able to trust!

I know your son is upset, but you are doing him NO FAVORS by staying with a man who treats his mother disrespectfully. You cannot be your BEST SELF for your son when you are taking/accepting this DAILY DEGREDATION from your spouse. It eats at your heart and soul and there is, therefore, less heart and soul for your little boy.

Woman-up (or t1t-up as someone here suggested we put it) and move on with your life WITH SOME DIGNITY and PURPOSE. Leave this man IN YOUR PAST, cut off ALL communication (text, email, phone, face-to-face) that is not DIRECTLY related to your son, and START A NEW LIFE N-O-W.

Your son needs a REAL MAN in his life. One who is NOT AFRAID to be emotionally involved with a woman.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Yeah, and then tell him to P*SS OFF! This is ONE lying, cheating, sneaking POS that you will NEVER be able to trust!
> 
> I know your son is upset, but you are doing him NO FAVORS by staying with a man who treats his mother disrespectfully. You cannot be your BEST SELF for your son when you are taking/accepting this DAILY DEGREDATION from your spouse. It eats at your heart and soul and there is, therefore, less heart and soul for your little boy.
> 
> ...


Sharkey: No way am I having sex with him. No sex at all since I kicked him out the first time a year ago. Don't even kiss him.

I totally agree about what example I am setting for my son. I want him to come from a 2 parent home, but at the same time what is he learning? It's ok to disrespect your wife and put everyone else ahead of her? Its ok to yell at your wife? Its ok to not be emotional with your wife? And its ok to lie and cheat the person you say I love you to?

It's totally not ok. I grew up with 2 parents who adored and respected each other. While my dad and mom had strong personal boundaries, there is not a single thing they ever did to each other to hurt, lie, or cheat. That's what I expected when I got married. Its nowhere near what I got.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Sharkey: No way am I having sex with him. No sex at all since I kicked him out the first time a year ago. Don't even kiss him.
> 
> I totally agree about what example I am setting for my son. I want him to come from a 2 parent home, but at the same time what is he learning? It's ok to disrespect your wife and put everyone else ahead of her? Its ok to yell at your wife? Its ok to not be emotional with your wife? And its ok to lie and cheat the person you say I love you to?
> 
> It's totally not ok. I grew up with 2 parents who adored and respected each other. While my dad and mom had strong personal boundaries, there is not a single thing they ever did to each other to hurt, lie, or cheat. That's what I expected when I got married. Its nowhere near what I got.


Why do you think you're in the position of trying to earn someone's love?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> "I'm not giving up my friends I've known for longer than I've known you"



Only this statement is enough to dump him and never get him back !

He'll never change that's for sure . So , again easier said then done , if you can get rid of him you'll be better and I'm sure you'll find someone that will respect you , love you and adore you .


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

First of all guys: Happy thanksgiving! Whatever cra&&y things are happening in our lives we can always show ourselves some love and peace on days like yesterday.

Update: I talked to him about him not wanting to give up old friends. This was basically his reply:

"What you are asking me to do is comprimise my principles. How can you expect me to give up my principles and show you blind loyalty and screw everybody else. I've known these people for 20+ years and you expect me to dump them?" 

Then he turned it around on me:

"The fact that you think dumping people so easily is ok is scary to me. I don't like that trait in you. It shows that YOU don't value relationships and can throw people away on a whim".

I explained again the people I am asking to cut contact with have hurt our marriage and continue to wedge themselves in between him and I. He doesn't agree - of course he doesn't. 

I wonder where his "principles" were when he was lying to me for years and seeing these women and having EA's behind my back... I guess leaving his wife and child is ok in his book of principles? I don't get it. I don't understand him.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

ALSO: I asked him why she was calling the other day. He told me it was none of my business. I asked how often does she call you - again none of my business.

I asked him to show me his phone and email and facebook (he blocked me about 6 mths ago). He laughed and said "that's private".


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> ALSO: I asked him why she was calling the other day. He told me it was none of my business. I asked how often does she call you - again none of my business.
> 
> I asked him to show me his phone and email and facebook (he blocked me about 6 mths ago). He laughed and said "that's private".


Fvck him. you will never be loved and have the marriage you want and deserve with this man.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> ALSO: I asked him why she was calling the other day. He told me it was none of my business. I asked how often does she call you - again none of my business.
> 
> I asked him to show me his phone and email and facebook (he blocked me about 6 mths ago). He laughed and said "that's private".


BBThis,

What would you tell a friend whose partner was treating her this way?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad: I know exactly what I'd tell my friend: kick him out of the house and tell him to take a hike. All of which I have done. He's the one coming back to me asking for forgiveness. Wanting to take me out and spend time with me.

All that is good, except he just won't give up this woman. He wants her in his life and has made it clear I can file for divorce but he is not giving up his oh-so-special "friend".

I guess I'm just torn on how my husband can watch me walk out the door for good, all because of her. And she doesn't even want him romantically. She just keeps him around for her emotional support. He even admits this.

I feel totally rejected and thrown away. I feel so disposable. 13 yrs down the drain. He chose her over me AND our family and it really hurts. It really really hurts. I feel like a worthless POS.


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