# Think my wife is in EA - how to confront?



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Bit of background. Been married 5 years, known wife for 16 (met her in HS, her mom died and she raised her brother, we reconnected 7 years ago). 

I've been trying to man up and be a better husband. For a few weeks everything went great. Then things changed. She started hanging out more with her friends, and she spends a lot of time on facebook. The final event that made me really question things was this past week, she hid her cell phone from me when I came by her. She never did that before.

A little while ago a friend from HS reconnected with her. I thought nothing of it. They did go to teh zoo once with my daughter and his son, but she told me about it and I saw pictures. But after all of this, I began to wonder.

I checked her Facebook account and found this message to him this morning:

Wife: Hey, earlier than I thought. Hope that's ok.
OM: it's more than okay, it's amazing!!! Waiting for clothes to dry and take Dev to school then to kennel.
Wife: I was so excited to send you a message that I went to store before the bank. On my way to bank now.

I am going to put a stop to this today. What's the best way to confront her? 

I don't believe she's seen him and escalated it because I saw her cell phone and he sent a text saying that due to projects they can't hang out til July. 

Thanks for any advice.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Facebook, texting, hiding phone from you,, Man, same thing with my stbx. I say stbx because we are divorcing. 
I am sorry you have experienced this, but know that many here have as well, and know the deep pain it causes. Thats why we are all here. 
Many here may very well provide you with ideas to stop the EA, and hopefully reconcile and get things back on track with your wayward wife. It comes down to a personal decision you have to make to be able to get past it, if you two reach a point of wanting to fix things. Marital counseling would be a must, as well as full disclosure of her phone, texts, etc. The trust between you has been ripped apart by her, and she must want to repair it. How to confront? 
You just "do" it. Tell her you think this is whats going on, and let her know youve seen the text messages and emails.
Be prepared in her heat of exposure, to have it all thrown back in your face. That "you" snooped on her, and didnt trust her wholeheartedly, and betrayed her in some strange twist of logic.
Be prepared to hear that because of this, she will be angry with you and unwilling to even remotely recognize any fault of her own for straying, and entertaining the idea of cheating on you and your kids emotionally at least.
Just expect to hear that you will be the bad guy in this, as the logic in the "fog" of all the "limerance" she is in will bring that about without question.

Her response to you, should be taken with a grain of salt. You know you werent in the wrong by seeing this for what it is, and there are a thousand people right here having started their very first threads here with possibly the exact same phrasing of their experiences as you have.

Only you know her enough to know if her remorse (if any) and willingness to own up to her destruction of your relationship is genuine or not. If it is, and you two want to give it a go, then get your arses in to Marriage counseling and fast. 

Many times these things are given the gloss over, swept under the rug under a false pretense of wanting to "work things out" when the situation only goes further underground. My wife seperated the cell phone accounts so that I couldnt see how often she was in contact with the other man. An exboyfriend she hadnt seen in 25 years. Facebook, text, meeting in secret.

As a side project for you, begin right now journaling what you do with your children every day, as an active participant in their lives. Journal and begin to gather as much proof as you can regarding her indiscretions and keep them in a safe place. (many here may believe this is extreme, however, there may come a time when you have to quantify your involvement in your kids lives, I really hope not, but I was caught unprepared by this, as divorce was my wife's way of escaping her guilt)

Above all else, do not get out of hand. Keep your cool. Give no reason for a restraining order to be placed on you. Begin to shore up your finances meaning, get a seperate bank account and begin to put some cash aside for emergencies. Pay down what debt you can, and look into your state's guidelines for child support, alimony, responsibilities of each person during and after a divorce. All simply to prepare yourself for the worst, even if that does not happen, I certainly hope it does not.

I found myself at points when things were going better between my wife and I, still with a lingering hurt, sense of betrayal, and questioning that I know I would not have been able to get over.
That would have destroyed any hope of reconciliation for me, or at least jeopardized it constantly, so I am of the mind that divorce was right for me and my stbxw.

Keep in mind, you are not alone!! Facebook and its misuse, text messaging, etc., all had a hand in the devestation of our lives as well. Be the good daddy to that child, and focus on that as being the priority during your wife's rants about her innocence.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ouch. Sorry to hear this. I would say take a deep breath and then I would read many threads on this site, and make a plan. Research 7 steps to stop an affair. It will be hard for you to confront and stop it in one day. If you run with no plan, she will be smart enough to lie her way out of it and become more secretive. I would certainly be thinking keylogger at this point.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> Bit of background. Been married 5 years, known wife for 16 (met her in HS, her mom died and she raised her brother, we reconnected 7 years ago).
> 
> I've been trying to man up and be a better husband. For a few weeks everything went great. Then things changed. She started hanging out more with her friends, and she spends a lot of time on facebook. The final event that made me really question things was this past week, she hid her cell phone from me when I came by her. She never did that before.
> 
> ...


This is just my opinion, but it seemed like you were okay with her going to the zoo with another man. Me, I wouldn't be, and it sounds like you two have a very loose agreement on boundaries. I'm not saying this in a negative sense, but only to make the point that your options fall into gray areas sometimes.

Just to give a little background, I will mention that my wife struggles from anxiety migraines. When we had children, it was every week. We had two toddlers and there was never a single activity where she didn't get a sick migraine. I often just had to leave her at the hotel while I took the kids alone. So, I've been to Disney, Seaworld, Washington DC and about a dozen others alone. I'm outgoing, so sometimes a mom with children would feel sorry for me and tag along. After a short while, though, I'd make an excuse to move on alone with the kids. I learned the hard way that something that seems so innocent can be seen so differently by another person. Learned that from a married woman who said her marriage was great, but was at the Smithsonian alone with the kids.

Call me old fashioned, but my wife didn't have to tell me to quit being so friendly.

Our basic policy on texting or social media with a person of the opposite sex is to never say something that can't be said in front of the spouse, and to never let it turn into a continuing relationship.

Regarding confronting her: First, you want to see if she feels that it is crossing the line, and understands that even a casual observer would see it this way. In my opinion, if she shrugs it off, then its a sign that you're in trouble. I'm pretty aggressive, so I'd just do it, and tell her that stopping it is part of the whole staying married deal. If she doesn't just do it, and allow some transparency for a while, then it depends on your relationship. You'll have to get some commitment to end the contact, though, because it sounds like she's lost the ability to stop it on her own.


If your efforts fail, there's one final thought. Crossing the line doesn't deserve touchy feely responses, in my opinion. I've got compassion by the truckloads, but not after the line is crossed, so I'd tell her that continuing this relationship includes paying her own mortgage, utilities and groceries.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thats the trap about snooping though. Keylogger, checking cellphone bills, waking up at night and checking her cellphone. You may very well find exactly what you were looking for, and then what? What are you going to do about it? Say, "hey, you better stop that." and then hope for the best? Nooooo,
you spend every waking minute obsessing over checking everything about it and it consumes you. and then you find evidence and then what. you continue to check up and check up.

If for divorce reasons you wish to provide evidence of infidelity, a keylogger is not admissable in many states.
Plus, these days, a judge is going to throw his hands up in the air and yell "Standard Possession Orders" just to be through with it all for the day.

What I am saying or warning anyways, is to not get caught up in the whole "detective" game. What you will find is what you already know, and it becomes self-inflictive damage and anguish on a daily basis. 

Once you have a truth, either work it out or find someone thats not a cheating %%^$#^^#@@[email protected]@@! !#@!#[email protected][email protected]@$$...


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

The messages have continued all morning and she has sent him racy pictures, telling him to delete them and that she has to remember to delete them.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

So there you have it man. Deep breath. 
Let yourself feel what you have to. It is okay. YOU will be better, and this current emotional hell will subside. 

When I found out what was going on with my wife of 10 years, together for 16, daughter9yrs old, It was as if I was trapped in my own skin, unable to express to the extent I needed, and its a hell of a place to be. 
But you know what?
----This will pass. YOU will eventually find your bootstraps and pull em up and on. 

Let yourself get to the "FK it" stage and start preparing now as I suggested above.. dadsdivorce.com


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for your help. 

The problem I am having at this moment is whether or not to continue on in the marriage. While something I did or didn't do got her to this point, I am not sure if I can trust her again, even if I continue manning up to be the man that i need. I can forgive eventually, but I don't want nagging doubt all the time.

Then again, on the positive side, we can come through this stronger and better. 

Is it totally against Manning up principles if I take her back, assuming she takes the steps to end this permanently?

Oh, the other man is married. I will definitely be sending his wife an email.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> The problem I am having at this moment is whether or not to continue on in the marriage. While something I did or didn't do got her to this point, I am not sure if I can trust her again, even if I continue manning up to be the man that i need. I can forgive eventually, but I don't want nagging doubt all the time.
> .


Its admirable that you would want to first consider your own mistakes in the marriage, but come on now, you didnt hold her hand with finger out to press the numbers/texts to stay involved with that other man. YOU didnt take the risque photos and send them to him yourself. 
Manning up? What part of Manning Up has to do with getting walked all over and having your marriage treated like a piece of trash? SHE is aware that her actions are wrong, and that has NOTHING to do with you or your actions.
So DUMP this idea that "your" actions may or may not have led to this. you are starting to head down the slippery slope of blaming yourself when she hasnt even had the chance to blame you yet...
You havent talked to her about it yet, nor have you even seen what her response is regarding being confronted. 

Dont start believing the "well maybe "I" coulda shoulda woulda.
Its normal, but the fact is, SHE made concious aware choices.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jbird - let us know when you confront and tell her you know about the pictures. Stop this before it gets physical. Here's the thing, if you confront now, and deal with everything, you can get to a place where you know whether it's worth saving. Both of you have to want to save it.

I fully get the blaming yourself thing. This happened to me. We are working on R, 1 month past DDay now. She and I both want to save it, and she has stopped all contact (as far as I can tell). But if she breaks and contacts him again, it will be over. 

Our biggest remaining issue is that because they didn't get physical, she thinks the word "affair" really isn't fair, since they refrained from any touching due to her being married. Never mind she fell in love with him. 

Oh and yes, definitely email the other guy's wife. That should be fun, indeed. See your your wife likes that. That might even put a stop to what is happening.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

First key before doing anything is to have a plan as shoo suggests.
As soon as you contact OM's wife, OM, or your wife about all this, things start spinning uncontrollably, real fast. So you have to know what you want, in advance, and what you intend and are prepared to do about it. Get to the action stage quickly, but don't run off without knowing where you at least intend to go. 
Sorry you're here.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> What I am saying or warning anyways, is to not get caught up in the whole "detective" game. What you will find is what you already know, and it becomes self-inflictive damage and anguish on a daily basis.


Wow, I thought I was the only one that did that. Yes, it is easy to become obsessed with the surveillance. At least it was for me. I've backed off now for the reasons stated.


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## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Let yourself get to the "FK it" stage and start preparing now as I suggested above.. dadsdivorce.com


After reading most of the posts, I have started to do the same thing. Work on my finances and separate bank accounts. The site has good information. Even though I know she is cheating, I'm just moving on. Can't stress enough about this


Shooboomafoo said:


> Thats the trap about snooping though. Keylogger, checking cellphone bills, waking up at night and checking her cellphone. You may very well find exactly what you were looking for, and then what? What are you going to do about it? Say, "hey, you better stop that." and then hope for the best? Nooooo,
> you spend every waking minute obsessing over checking everything about it and it consumes you. and then you find evidence and then what. you continue to check up and check up.


Done with all of that now. I go to a counselor and blog about what me and my kids do together while she is away on the weekends.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You go in icy cold---no screaming, shouting, yelling. and tell her point blank You know she is cheating, and it stops now.

She will deny, and say he is a friend---your comeback is---fine but your friendship with him is way out of line, and inappropriate---friends--converse for a few minutes once in a while and that is it-----she is way beyond the friend range!!!!

You tell her she is married, and therefore there is no expectation of privacy, and there should be no reason for her to hide her cell-phone

Tell her all of the electronic stuff (phone, computer, anything else) stops immediately---or you will see an atty., in re: divorce IMMEDIATELY.

Say your piece, and walk away---Do not be nice about this---it has to be done with you being hard as nails

She must know that she has crossed the line, and has to be accountable----right now to her you are a POS, in her eyes.---and that attitude has to be knocked out, or tell her, she can be a free woman, as in single, divorced, with child.

You need to take all marital finances, and put them in an acct., in your name only

You need to cancel all her credit cards

If she hem, and haws, about dropping contact---then you tell her, she pays for half of EVERYTHING from now on, and she comes up with what she owes HERSELF---that includes, mortgage, utility, car, and insurance payments, food, and everyday living expenses---and that starts now----move her clothes, her cosmetics, and her into aroom by herself, in another part of the house.

Give her a large dose of reality---right now she is in fantasyland, thinking she has no responsibilities, and that she can treat you like a doormat----that thinking changes, or the mge. ends----and all of this needs to happen RIGHT NOW


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jbird... print out the messages/texts/pictures and keep them in a safe place for you.

I would call his wife if you can and tell her TODAY that her hub and your wife have an inappropriate relationship.

THEN I would sit your wife down and tell her you KNOW all about the affair and pictures she sent him and depending on whether you want the marriage or not, tell her it must end or you are done.

Don't tell her how you found out about the messages.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I confronted my wife and it went better than expected. No yelling, no big blow up. I was impressed with my demeanor that day. I went to hang out with my buddy and watch some hockey. 

I noticed on facebook that she was posting on the OM's Facebook page. So I went home and confronted her. She tried to throw insecurity back in my face (early on when things weren't great I did snoop in her emails, but this keylogger is the first time I've done it in years). I stayed calm. She told me to get out and that we're done.

I gave her time to settle and we continued talking. She told me that she has ALWAYS wanted to be with this OM, ever since HS. Timing or circumstances were never right. She has fallen out of love with me although cares for me greatly and wishes to raise our daughter as friends. We are going to try out best to split as easy as possible, forgoing lawyers if we can and splitting everything 50/50. Neither of us plan on trying to get alimony. 

I asked her yesterday what prompted this whole thing, what I did or where I came up short. She told me that it wasn't me, it's just her feelings that lay dormant rose to the surface and seeing him again (recall my post about letting this guy visit) got that ball rolling. She did say that even if I didn't let him come over, this probably would have happened anyway. 

She did say my insecurity was an issue but not a reason this happened. She also told me that in 2009, when we had it rough d/t economy, my not trying as hard to get a second job upset her (she got one within a week of looking, so I stopped so as to not have to put our daughter in nightcare). She told me in the future do what I have to do for the one I'm with. That has stuck with me. 

I went to NYC on Saturday with my pal. I set up a date for my wife and me, but I still went because I really wanted to go. I had a blast and my wife even texted me to see how I was doing. 

She feels bad and apologized and I see she is agonizing over this. The other thing is the OM is in a marriage where a third man lives with him and his wife and his wife is sleeping with the third man. My wife's OM is unemployed and I don't see this working out for my wife. It concerns me how all of this will affect my daughter, and that's why I am trying, as best I can without details, to keep abreast of what's going on. 

It's hard for me, although I do not want to be someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's hard to sleep in an empty bed (my wife either lies on the couch or in my daughter's room. I refuse to not sleep in my bed). I shed tears Saturday morning and Sunday when I told my brother, but I am trying to look ahead to the future. I am already planning on going to the local Renaissance Faire with my sister-in-law (always wanted to go) and more time with my guy friends. 

I have a hard road ahead. But I have plenty of people to support me. I have a lot of love to give, which will go to my children for the time being. Some day, I will give that love to a woman who wants it from me. 

The big thing is to focus on me and not her and the OM. I have no doubt I will come out of this a better person. It's just going to take time.

Thanks everyone for your help and kind words.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are going to go through a lot of highs and lows. At this point, if she wants out, you have the right attitude in letting her go. The clingier you are, the worse off you'll be. 

Are you going to get a lawyer or use mediation or do the divorce by yourselves? Start thinking practically.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

We're probably going to go through mediation. Not sure we can afford lawyers and like I said, we BOTH want this as peaceful and painless as possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Peaceful & painless as possible = good.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Incredible. So she wanted you to get a 2nd job, and this OM is jobless? I guess that's okay because they are "in love". Isn't fantasy land great? :scratchhead:

Good luck with the mediation since you're moving toward D and not in limbo anymore. Reality will hit her soon enough. Maybe she can complete the foursome in their apartment.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have to agree with lordmayhem, something in your post just screams *fog* and *fantasyland*

I can see your wifes relationship heading south in about a year, then she will be coming back, begging for the stability she once had.

Who nows , maybe her pride will get in the way, but she will regret this....deep down she will regret this. She just can't see it now.

Lets face it the grass always looks greener on the other side, but seldom is it....most of the time its worse.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts.

And remember do what ever you have to to keep the OM from your daughter, something tells me she won't be very safe around him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Incredible. So she wanted you to get a 2nd job, and this OM is jobless? I guess that's okay because they are "in love". Isn't fantasy land great? :scratchhead:.


They're HOLE MATES!!! It's real love! 



lordmayhem said:


> Maybe she can complete the foursome in their apartment.


:rofl:


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

My college roommate, also one of my best friends, agrees with you both lordmayhem and the guy. 

She doesn't think they'll get together. OM's screwed if he divorces because he has zero income and wife can't afford to take them in. Plus he has a kid and child support will come out of her paycheck. 

I am trying to get to a stage where I don't care as long as my daughter is ok. She has made it clear she fell out of "passion" with me, as she calls it. In a year I plan to have met my goal weight of 210, be in a steady routine and on the market. 

I will come out of this better.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> I am trying to get to a stage where I don't care as long as my daughter is ok. She has made it clear she fell out of "passion" with me, as she calls it. In a year I plan to have met my goal weight of 210, be in a steady routine and on the market.
> 
> I will come out of this better.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jbird you really have your head in the right place. Let her go for sure. Don't give in to any sort of temptation to take her back. She's blown it - she's probably been in love with this OM since HS. Hold your head high, my friend. Her future is way dimmer than yours.

Mayhem - LOVE the foursome comment!


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

jbird669 said:


> My college roommate, also one of my best friends, agrees with you both lordmayhem and the guy.
> 
> She doesn't think they'll get together. OM's screwed if he divorces because he has zero income and wife can't afford to take them in. Plus he has a kid and child support will come out of her paycheck.
> 
> ...


2 Items I would recommend. reveal to his wife asap. Let him feel the reality of what he is doing. Second, this is only my opinion, but move the wife out if you can. Different states have different rules but if you can do it, move her out. Right now all is secure. You are rolling over and allowing her to progress at her pace. She need to face the reality of being on her own, her own bills, her own reponsibilities and her own problem solving. Right now, by aloowing her to stay and covering the finances you are, you are enabling the affair, make it hard for her. 

That is one of the few ways to wake up a spouse in a fog. Remember, she is in fantasy land and the greener grass is calling, make sure she sees it really is very very brown after all.

Q~


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

Mayhem, your post made me laugh out loud. That was great!

Thanks


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you want your wife back, and I really don't know why you would, cept for your child----ride this out

Stay with your very hard 180---no nice guy, no lovey-dovey, no nothing

She didn't end up with her lover the 1st time for a reason---and eventually she is gonna see he is still worthless, and she will drop him---question then becomes how much of her sh*t are you willing to put up with

IMHO, if you really wanna move her along---put D., on the table----she must see the reality of it all---she knows the scum she is with can't take care of her---she is just getting as much from this whole situation as she can---FORCE HER HAND

Once again, question is WHAT DO YOU WANT---Do not stay with a woman you will be miserable with in the future, just for your child---your wife is repeatedly kicking you in the teeth----do you really wanna spend the rest of your life with her?????


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Stop the EA NOW before your story escalates into mine... Trust me


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I am trying to progress through this as fast as I can. The thing is, she is the breadwinner. I am going to have a harder time on my own than she is. If she leaves, I cannot afford the house. I want to sit down and get this ball rolling, but I don't have a ton of cash to do it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop worrying about money---you can actually go to the courthouse ---get a blank divorce packet and lay it in a room where your wife has to see it---that will get her attention----in all actuality---many divorces are done by the spouses themselves, no atty's---remember you get half of everything


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## s0medude (Jun 10, 2011)

I confronted mine last night with PROOF of it happening, and she was just in complete awe. She started balling and apologizing to me, but then tried pushing blame onto me by saying how I've been "talking down to her" and being "controlling." Total BS. Plus, she's been lying constantly about this to me after I'd question her about it, and I have that to deal with too. Fun stuff, but I feel so much better after confronting her about it. I explained I want to work it out and hopefully things will get better soon.

Just talk to her NOW.


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## CalmMarian (Jun 3, 2011)

Hey,

Why stir things up if he can't see her for a couple of weeks?

Way I see it it's your time to come in and show love (not confrontation) and make her remember how much she loves you. If you do PROMISE she will fess up or let him go.

AND if you do decide to talk to her about it start by apologizing that you feel uneasy and distrustful because it may just be it's nothing more then your insecurities. If it's not, she'll fess up a lot easier if you start by saying it's you.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

CalmMarian said:


> Hey,
> 
> Why stir things up if he can't see her for a couple of weeks?
> 
> ...



Please look at my post concerning affairs in a distance relationship and comment. I feel like this is striking home. There are about 2~3 weeks left before wifey is moving down here for at least half month or so. How much could happen in half a month? Is it better to confront now or after we are in the same location?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I've already confronted her and she wants a divorce. She doesn't love me with the "passion" a wife should have (her words). She loves this OM and has since HS. I got a divorce packet and left it on the table. I don't know if she looked at it or not. 

I do plan on saying that I'm not going to sit here while she tries to get closer to this OM and figure things out. If she wants that, then get the ball rolling on the divorce, because I'm not doing it and I'm not leaving. She did this, she's the one that is getting out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> I've already confronted her and she wants a divorce. She doesn't love me with the "passion" a wife should have (her words). .


Thing is, she's going to find out that the shiny & new "passion" she feels with OM is going to wear off in awhile to. But that will be for her to find out, so don't worry about that.



jbird669 said:


> She loves this OM and has since HS. I got a divorce packet and left it on the table. I don't know if she looked at it or not.
> 
> I do plan on saying that I'm not going to sit here while she tries to get closer to this OM and figure things out. If she wants that, then get the ball rolling on the divorce, because I'm not doing it and I'm not leaving. She did this, she's the one that is getting out.


You have the right attitude. If she isn't willing to work on the maraige with you and wants out, she should go and don't wait around for her. Re: $, if you guys can agree to what to split in a divorce, then you can do it uncontested and "pro se" meaning you both just fill out the packet saying you agree to everything. it's very cheap that way.

What are you doing to fill up your time? Go out with friends, exercise, buy new cologne. SMILE.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I am going out with friends, having fun and doing my own thing. There's a lot of smiling on my end, and if I ask a question and she gets snippy I calmly put it back on her. For the most part though we're like we were before the revelation just without physical affection.


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## tierzastarr (Jan 28, 2011)

*Tell the OM wife!!! Not just to break up the affair but also bcuz she deserves to know!!*


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## Alex2400 (Jun 11, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Thats the trap about snooping though. Keylogger, checking cellphone bills, waking up at night and checking her cellphone. You may very well find exactly what you were looking for, and then what? What are you going to do about it? Say, "hey, you better stop that." and then hope for the best? Nooooo,
> you spend every waking minute obsessing over checking everything about it and it consumes you. and then you find evidence and then what. you continue to check up and check up.
> 
> If for divorce reasons you wish to provide evidence of infidelity, a keylogger is not admissable in many states.
> ...


I tend to agree with this because I was there 2 weeks ago. The detective game seems to just consume you having to know just about everything she's doing and you don't tend to think about whats important and that yourself and your daughter, in the end that's numero uno.

My advise and speaking from real recent experience, sit down and talk to her but remember main point remain calm always the moment you get angry the wall comes up and you look like the bad guy. 

I will say I [email protected] hate facebook it's wrecked my life, you see cheating has become so much more common because of it, I could go now and make friends with a married woman tell her the things she wants to here, because all I need to hear from her is that she is having a small problem with her husband and I can just manipulate her into thinking that this problem isnt small, its huge and just start to put the idea in her head, hence what happened to me 2 weeks ago. My wife doesnt even want to see a counselor, which I am seeing one now myself and the funny thing the problems my wife and I had that were small and now being fixed now from me going to see someone, but this just may be to late for me.. 

Hang in there your not alone at this stage you may just be in for a bumpy ride, I to share a 2 year son with my wife and I know how difficult this can be, I just prey that this is all just a great big misunderstanding because no one deserves this especially when there's kids involved..


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

She said Wednesday she wants to end it and we're taking steps toward that starting Monday. 

But the past 24 hours have been interesting. First, she has yet to take off her wedding ring. She also wants each of us to keep copies of the wedding photos. This morning I was shaving and I take my ring off so it doesn't get messed up. My daughter picked it up and my wife told her to be careful, don't lose that; daddy needs it. 

Also, she has not changed in front of me since I confronted her. Now I found out that Saturday she went to visit OM to talk about things while I was in NYC with my buddy. She took my daughter and he took his son and they played in a park. Nothing happened. But she bought 2 new pairs of underwear (I am assuming she sent pics of her wearing them to him) last Friday and wore a pair when she went to visit.

Last night she went out with a girlfriend and she wore the other new pair. She told me he wasn't going (their illicit texts mentioned something about him going) but she told me she wanted to wear them and he wasn't going to be there. He wasn't.

Today, she also changed in front of me for the first time. She is also texting me and we're having good conversations, fun and lighthearted. So I am not sure what to think.

And to top it off, she tells me today she has to go into work Sunday from 8am-noon. Now she has done this before, but it's Father's Day and I am not sure why she can't go in tomorrow (she says work has no explanation). She told me she is not pursuing a relationship with the OM because of his fouled-up situation, but part of me wonders if they're having a rendezvous. Granted it's Father's Day and he is a dad, plus the OM has a wedding Saturday, so there's a good chance there won't be a rendezvous, but I am not sure. 
If there is, then I am accelerating this and I am going to tell her to leave. I told her Wed I won't tolerate her getting close to him while I am in the house. I think I may take a Sunday drive over to her office and see if she's there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she's buying new panties and he was supposed to meet her, she is def planning or was planning on seeing him. 

I wouldn't text her unless it's about your daughter. Iwouldn't stick around whie she changes in front of you.

She wants out so give it to her in spades. Ar eyou guys doing the divorce on your own (the divorce packet you gaveher)?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh, does OM have a wife/girlfriend?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

They weren't supposed to meet. A girlfriend came over before I left for NYC but she told me the next day the friend left and she went to talk to him. It wasn't planned and it was just talking. The kids were there and she told me that she won't do that in front of our daughter (which I believe). She told me ahead of time that she was planning to buy new panties. I am assuming she wore them in the pics she sent the OM. Not sure I want details so I haven't asked. 

The OM is married but they have a roommate and his wife is banging the roommate. He hasn't left because he is unemployed.

We are doing the divorce on our own. In PA it's called uncontested no fault divorce.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> Today, she also changed in front of me for the first time. She is also texting me and we're having good conversations, fun and lighthearted. So I am not sure what to think.


I agree with everyone about the panties. This was for him, not you. That in itself is so hurtful.

Now why is she changing in front of you and being friendly? Because she wants to keep you interested. This is called cake eating (from the saying having your cake and eat it too). She definitely wants to bang the OM, but doesn't want to burn her bridge with you just yet. This is just so typical wayward behavior and is so predictable. Expect her to waffle, say she wants the D one day, and then say she wants to work on the marriage the next day. This is all about keep you as her option. She may even try to give you some to keep you on the hook. 

Make no mistake, I firmly believe she is going to go bang OM on Fathers Day, or at the minimum, meet with him. Remember he is a father too, and she wants to make the day special for HIM. As hurtful as it is, you need to do the 180 and act disinterested. Take your daughter and celebrate it with her. Just the two of you on your own. Make it an all day event. The last thing you want is to go out with her after she has been with him. Its really gross. Talk about sloppy seconds.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Lordmayhem,

You make perfect and total sense. However, she has not once said she wants to work on the marriage. On three separate occasions on three different days, she said she doesn't feel the same anymore and wants a divorce.

But I will be taking your words to heart.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I have another question. Since she was confronted, she has been truthful about her interactions with him. She told me Sunday morning not too long after we woke that she saw him and nothing happened. Despite this, should I still be leery of Sunday?


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I called her office (she's off today) and pretended i called the wrong number. I spoke to her boss and asked "So, I hear Missy has to come in Sunday?"

He replied "Yes, we have an urgent project she needs to work on."

I may still drive by around 11 just in case she lied about the time of 8-noon.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

jbird669 said:


> They weren't supposed to meet. A girlfriend came over before I left for NYC but she told me the next day the friend left and she went to talk to him. It wasn't planned and it was just talking. *According to who?*
> 
> The kids were there and she told me that she won't do that in front of our daughter (which I believe). *truth from a liar?*
> 
> ...



Jbird, you are buying the lies here like a fish drinks water. You have to stop making it easy to walk over you and easy to have/continue the affair. She needs to leave if possible, you need to seperate finances and she needs to cover her part of them from now on. You need to set a rule of no contact with the OM and your children.

Also, you need to try and find the OM's wife or gf and out him to her. He needs to feel the pain of his actions and she has the right to know. You need to plan time awy from home and leave her responsible for watching the kids. Right now it is so very easy for her to lie to you and head out with the OM for a grand rendevous. Make her feel the consequences of where she has turned her life. 

If not, just be prepared for you to know mostly nothing while she is painting the town red, possibly with some of your money.

Q~


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Q,

I appreciate the response. If you see my last post, I called the office and she is indeed working Sunday. 

The OM lives 90 minutes away. He in unemployed (all over his Facebook page, he talks about it daily). 

I was concerned she was lying about Saturday, but I asked my daughter what she did. She told me about the big slides she went down. My wife said what park they went to and I took my daughter there. My daughter showed me the big slide she went down. Being three I am not sure she is able to make up a big lie. If she went to my father-in-law's she would've told me because she loves seeing him. 

Finally, we don't have a lot of money. I already have my own bank account. She has nothing this week, so she can't go out and paint the town with him.

The OM's wife runs a kennel. I've called it as he apparently works there every day. He always answers. So she is being truthful. Could she have lied about some things, sure. But most things she has said is true.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

jbird669 said:


> I have another question. Since she was confronted, she has been truthful about her interactions with him. She told me Sunday morning not too long after we woke that she saw him and nothing happened. Despite this, should I still be leery of Sunday?


And you know nothing happened how? Because of her word? Dudeman, I don't like being direct but you need to grow a pair. Shove her out the door and let her be responsible for her actions. No one says you cant reconcile but she has an open, and I repeat *OPEN* path do do whatever she wants. Time to either block the road, or at least, stop paying for the gas!

Q~


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> And you know nothing happened how? Because of her word? Dudeman, I don't like being direct but you need to grow a pair. Shove her out the door and let her be responsible for her actions. No one says you cant reconcile but she has an open, and I repeat *OPEN* path do do whatever she wants. Time to either block the road, or at least, stop paying for the gas!
> 
> Q~


:iagree: I don't know what you're waiting for... she's told you she wants out, and you continue to foot the bill and buy her stories while she does what she wants. She "didn't plan on it", but went to talk to him? Seriously? Because she says so... ok. 

Should you be leery of Sunday? Actually, you shouldn't... she should be out on her own by then and not your problem to worry about anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I agree with everyone about the panties.


This sounds so funny out of context.

Re: Sunday.. she may or ay not meet up with him. Evenstill, not your problem. 

TELL OM's WIFE. Find her on Facebook and send her an email OR call the kennel and ask to speak with her. The reason for this is you have NO idea if what wife told you is true (probably not) and the wife deserves to know the truth:

"OM's Wife, I am Mrs. JBird's husband. It's recently come to my attention that my wife is having an affair with your husband. This affai rhas been detrimental to my marriage. From what I know of, the affair has been happening since Month/Date and they actively send X-rated pictures and speak on the phone> I can forward these conersations/pics to you. If you are already aware of the affair, then this will come as no news to you but if you are not aware, I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this news. Please get tested for STDs."

End quote.

That woman has every right to know.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I checked with my lawyer. Per PA state law, because her name is on the mortgage along with mine, I canno legally make her leave. I can inform her that because she makes more $ than I do, once she files divorce, I can petition and will get temporary spousal support. I called the kennel (only contact info I have for OM's wife). The voicemail picked up. I didn't leave a mesage in case he heard it. I will call Monday and ask for her.

I have started only talking to her regarding our daughter. She asked if I am okay, to which I said I'm fine. I am taking my kids out tomorrow myself instead of going to my father-in-law's with my stbxw. I will take the kids to see grandpa while she is gone, but after that I am doing my own thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

I wish you the best. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like her affair with him will be continuing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hell yes it will continue,jbird hasn't done one thing to make this affair inconvienant and uncomfortable.

At least he is making attemps to expose it to the OM wife. 

jbird,
let me quess your wife was the one that told you the om's wife is sleeping with the roommate? Ya figure. of course the Om is going to say"ho my wife and I are getting along great and by no means will this relationsip effect my wife" PLEASE!

This guy is enemployed and it sound like he is being keeped by his wife. I suggest you contact this guy and inform him that you have proof and plan on expossing the affair to his wife. In addition the OM has the oppertunity to keep this all quite if he #1 never mentions the conversation the two of you had and #2 he breaks up with your wife. If he contact her and/or she contact him in the future you will take the evidence and expose the affiar. 

Black mail this guy let him know that no when will ever see the evidence as long as goes along and if any one or anything gives you the suspicion that he told your wife about the conversation or there is a remote chance that the affair is continueing then the whole world will find out that he is with a married women.

See the point here... and even if you think I'm nuts..is to make the affair as inconvienent as possible at all cost. Until the OM is no longer influecing the dynamics of the marriage there is hope.

No matter what you do to achieve this the bottom line is you don't and you can't make your wife leave the home, but if you make this affair uncomfortable for her she may choose to leave, get it


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Another thing, your W is doing a great job at managing you, she has you figured out. As long as she is half @ss honest with you you will not make waves.
Granted when you start really fighting the affair she will get pissed and it will push her away evn generate more lieing. But man she just seams like she's rubbing it in your face.
I mean come on "daddy has to wear his wedding ring but mommy can go be lovey dovey with OM at the park"

Dude except the consequence of what will happen when you man up and make it clear that what your chick is doing is wrong and stop making her behavior look like its all ok b/c she wants a D any way.

You are tolorating way to much go read "how to stop an affair"


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> She told me she is not pursuing a relationship with the OM because of his fouled-up situation


This bothers me. It sounds like she has waited years for the opportunity to be with this guy. Now that everything is coming out in the open, forcing her to make decisions, she is finding the reality is "now just isn't a good time".

You need to consider that if she does change her mind and chooses to reconcile with you, assuming you want to, that she may just be doing it to buy more time until the OM is in a better place (they waited this long, what's a few more years?).

Honestly, the OM seems to be a basket case in a screwed up situation of his own that he has dragged your wife into, and she was let him. I would focus on you, focus on your daughter, and run like hell from this woman.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

We are done. We're divorcing. There's no chance she will want to reconcile. And I am not going to take her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> We are done. We're divorcing. There's no chance she will want to reconcile. And I am not going to take her back


Still expose this to the OM's wife and if you can his extended family. At least this gives her a chance to know why her marriage is going to pots and lets he family know its is because of the affair.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I wonder if that's the reason people were thinking I was being too easy on her. 

I told her that I am taking care of my responsibilities, includin financial, parental, etc. Everything else is separate, since that's how she wants it. At 12:30, when she returns from work (I know she's there and not with OM because I had to call her. Couldn't find daughter's vitamins), the kids and I will be gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> I wonder if that's the reason people were thinking I was being too easy on her.
> 
> I told her that I am taking care of my responsibilities, includin financial, parental, etc. Everything else is separate, since that's how she wants it. At 12:30, when she returns from work (I know she's there and not with OM because I had to call her. Couldn't find daughter's vitamins), the kids and I will be gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish you much luck. You are doing the right things. Compared to 99% of other men in your situation you are being very strong.
This is a good sign for your recovery from this marriage and your ability to build a better life for yourself.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Best wishes m8. Stay strong


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stick to your guns, and get a bulldog for an atty.---see as many lawyers as necessary till you find one, that will get you, what you need in the divorce proceedings


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> I suggest you contact this guy and inform him that you have proof and plan on expossing the affair to his wife. In addition the OM has the oppertunity to keep this all quite if he #1 never mentions the conversation the two of you had and #2 he breaks up with your wife. If he contact her and/or she contact him in the future you will take the evidence and expose the affiar.
> 
> Black mail this guy let him know that no when will ever see the evidence as long as goes along and if any one or anything gives you the suspicion that he told your wife about the conversation or there is a remote chance that the affair is continueing then the whole world will find out that he is with a married women.


I disagree. *Do NOT *let him know beforehand you are telling his wife. Because that just gives him time to get his story straight and to deny deny deny what you've said. He will make you out to be the crazy jilted husband who is having problems in his marriage and you've gotten it in your head that he and your wife have something going on when ti's absolutely not true. TRUST ME. He will make you seem like a psycho.

Tell his wife w/o any warning to OM. Tell her what the deal is today. Call the kennel and make her aware.

Where are you and the kids moving to? Are you sure you want uproot everyone? It's my belief that the person who wants out should be the one to go but ultimately you know what is best in your situation. 

Good luck to your with everything.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I fully support your decision to kick her to the curb. But,and maybe I missed the reason somewhere in the thread,why are you taking the kids away?
> 
> The situation will already be traumatic for them...taking them from mom will only make it worse I would think.


Why should he give up his kids? She seems very unstable right now. I understand that in only extreme cases do they award custody to the father.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> Not sure where i implied he should leave them?
> 
> Not taking them from mom doesnt mean leaving them...if it does then there are a LOT of dads that have left their kids by your definition.
> 
> From his post it seemed like he was planning on simply taking the kids and she comes home not knowing what the heck happened. She might be a lying cheater but her kid(s) still need her especially now...they need BOTH parents.


I hear you. Bad situation all the way around.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Well, I for one think she will know exactly what the heck happened when she comes home, considering the situation. He is not in any way implying that she can't have contact but I know I would would take them with me as opposed to leaving them with a wife who is more worried about an affair than her family and the consequences there of. 

I also agree that he should disclose to everyone in the OM's life he can, as well as his DS's family and friends and he needs to do it fast. If he doesn't, she can paint him as a terrible person and list that as the reason they split up/divorced, etc.

The court of public opinion, as much as it shouldn't, plays a very large part in social relationships. Lastly, Jbird needs to always be cordial, in control and never lash out or be consumed by anger when dealing with the DS. Do not want any opportunity for her to say she felt threatened or in danger from Jbird.

Q~


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I didn't leave, as in move out (can't afford to do that until the house sells). I just did my own thing with them on Father's Day rather than go to father-in-law's. I did go there during the day so he could see them. 

I called kennel and OM answered. His wife won't be there til Thursday.

I talked to my wife yesterday. She said they haven't been physical because her lawyer said if she is caught then court could rule in my favor rather than split everything 50/50 which is what we want. She also agreed to not take my daughter around OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

I did have a great Father's Day, WhiteRabbit. Thanks!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jbird669 said:


> I talked to my wife yesterday. She said they haven't been physical because her lawyer said if she is caught then court could rule in my favor rather than split everything 50/50 which is what we want.


Call the kennel again Thursday. 

I don't buy her excuse for why they haven't been physical yet. It could be a lie. It could be they haven't had sex. But either way, if that is her only excuse then wow, be glad you're getting out of the relationship with her.


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