# Comm issues lead to intimacy issues



## Ohiolover (Apr 10, 2020)

My wife and I have been married for 6 years in August. The first year of dating leading to our engagement we were very sexually active and exploring, some stuff we talked about trying then never did, she was very dominant when she wanted to have sex. 
I knew that dynamic wasn’t permanent, life happens, we had a child who is very needy, work gets stressful, my wife is 6 years my senior and we both feel she’s entering the next stage of her feminine life cycle. I fully understand things change, I accept that.
I keep re-writing this as I want to give as much info as possible for the best advice possible, but I don’t want to lose people based on the length of the post, so here goes.
I find myself doing a lot of things to keep my wife happy. She currently has a spine issue (it’s not debilitating) so a couple times of week I’ll rub on her shoulders, lower back etc. these range from a 5 minute quick rub to full on 30 minute massages focused on her back. I have some slight pressure issues with my hands, being a musician I’ve been experiencing early stages of carpel tunnel, but I do it for her, I get nothing out of it unless I make sure our daughter goes to bed at a decent time, my wife had her bath, the house is picked up then I can suggest we do the massage in our room and move things in a more intimate direction during. Then I get to have sex with her. 
That seems to be my issue. I’m in a situation where I have to jump through hoops, put days of work in and make sure everything is done right for me to get something back. 
I don’t only do it to get something, it’s just when I’m in the mood it almost turns into a chore. I love my wife, she’s absolutely beautiful to me, shes smart, funny, a great mother and I love being close to her. So for me sex is like the ultimate form of expression of love.
Yesterday my wife needed me to run and grab some things from the store after work, she’s been home all week due to COVID and just started working from home but we’re out of printer ink, she needs it, I have to go. No problem. I get some other things while I’m out, since I’m out, and I don’t end up home until 2 hours later than I normally do after work. She then complains about dinner. I normally do the cooking but she complains that she’s had to make things the last few days and doesn’t want what’s there since she’s been eating it for the last few days lol. She goes to take a bath and I sneak out and grab some fast food from 2 different places to be sure I grabbed something she was in the mood for. 
Afterward she was fine, we were laughing, light flirting, I’m picking on her for being hangry, everything is ok. I make some subtle hints that I’d like to rewarded with sex or something of the sort, she laughs and blows it off, I assure her I’m serious.We end up just going to bed, fine with me but I do set my alarm extra early as I know she usually gets up an hour before I do and 2 hours before I have to leave for work. 
We go through our morning coffee, I state I’m gonna go lay in bed, she comes in and hints at a back rub, I’m aroused at the thought of us possibly doing something and shes aware but never acts on it. This leads to an argument over intimacy. 
I just want to feel like I’m wanted, I would appreciate someone touching me affectionately and in a way that feels good to me, I never get that in spite of the things I do for her which leads her to accuse me of demanding that she allow me to rape her. Way off base, a completely ridiculous accusation. We can go 2 months without any sexual contact and that bothers me, I let her know that, I ask her if she knows how it feels to be in love with someone, to be attracted to them, to want them and that person not feel the same way, she replied “No” then turned everything back around on me. 
I’ve been trying different approaches to intimacy and since she hasn’t been much of an initiator and submissive in the bedroom I called her while I was at work one day and suggested that she put our daughter down for a nap an hour before I got home, and that she take a bath. When I get home Ill shower and meet her in our room. She did, but demanded a back rub when I got there so everything got put on hold until I was finished with that. The back rub didn’t bother me, but she used that example of me being controlling. I was just trying something new. 
The bottom line is, I don’t EXPECT sex, but I thought as a married couple we could depend on each other to do things for one another, sometimes things we might not be into at the time. There’s a lot of things I don’t feel like doing but I do then anyway because I love her and I know they will make her happy. Is it wrong for me to want the same thing in return?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Before we go any further, please read Marriednatlanta's thread in this section. He is four years into the almost exact situation as you. He isnt willing to really change, isnt willing to force the issue with real consequences, that will be you in four years if you dont act. 

Many will be on here to offer advice, people way more qualified than myself, Ill pray that you have the strength needed to improve your situation, evidently it takes more than I realized.

Good luck,

Hoosier


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ohiolover said:


> I’m in a situation where I have to jump through hoops, put days of work in and make sure everything is done right for me to get something back.


Welcome to marriage. At least, from time to time, you get something back. Many of us get bupkis, even though we jump through the hoops, work long hours, and do our dead-level best to make sure it's "done right". However, no matter how "right" you do it, there is always some aspect which can be found which is "substandard", and therefore, a permanent excuse for no sex can be maintained. When, the real reason is that she is not "in to" us, would prefer to have someone else as a sex partner, but prefers YOU to be the "plan B beta provider guy".



Ohiolover said:


> I thought as a married couple we could depend on each other to do things for one another, sometimes things we might not be into at the time.


No, let me explain how it REALLY works. You are the MAN. Society has considered, for decades, even centuries, that YOU will be expected to do things for your family, whether you are "in to" them, or not. If you don't want to do these things, as a slave would, without even any expectation of "happiness" on your wife's part, you will be considered a worthless freeloader upon society, a "deadbeat dad", etc. You will have NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE for not doing these things, whether your are "plan A", or perhaps "plan Z".

However, society has also considered that the WOMAN can choose not to work outside the home, will be honored for putting her children FIRST before her husband (which means that children can be a prime excuse for no sex), and will have the right to pour herself all over her husband and expect him to carry the financial, emotional, familial, and material responsibilities that SHE deems appropriate.

To quote Mr. Cronkite..... "...and that's the way it is...."


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Ohiolover said:


> My wife and I have been married for 6 years in August. The first year of dating leading to our engagement we were very sexually active and exploring, some stuff we talked about trying then never did, she was very dominant when she wanted to have sex.
> I knew that dynamic wasn’t permanent, life happens, we had a child who is very needy, work gets stressful, my wife is 6 years my senior and we both feel she’s entering the next stage of her feminine life cycle. I fully understand things change, I accept that.
> I keep re-writing this as I want to give as much info as possible for the best advice possible, but I don’t want to lose people based on the length of the post, so here goes.
> I find myself doing a lot of things to keep my wife happy. She currently has a spine issue (it’s not debilitating) so a couple times of week I’ll rub on her shoulders, lower back etc. these range from a 5 minute quick rub to full on 30 minute massages focused on her back. I have some slight pressure issues with my hands, being a musician I’ve been experiencing early stages of carpel tunnel, but I do it for her, I get nothing out of it unless I make sure our daughter goes to bed at a decent time, my wife had her bath, the house is picked up then I can suggest we do the massage in our room and move things in a more intimate direction during. Then I get to have sex with her.
> ...


You should read my thread, however, it is a lot like every other HD/LD marriage thread. I believe I have made some headway, with more room to improve, @Hoosier thinks I am wasting my time and everyone else’s too. I think.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> Welcome to marriage. At least, from time to time, you get something back. Many of us get bupkis, even though we jump through the hoops, work long hours, and do our dead-level best to make sure it's "done right". However, no matter how "right" you do it, there is always some aspect which can be found which is "substandard", and therefore, a permanent excuse for no sex can be maintained. When, the real reason is that she is not "in to" us, would prefer to have someone else as a sex partner, but prefers YOU to be the "plan B beta provider guy".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Honestly, no, it's not the way it is. That's only the way it is if you are married to a selfish taker who isn't in love with you and CHOOSE to stay married to them.

Not all women are like this. Only the ones of poor character.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Read up on the 180. 
Use it for your clarity.
Form then storm. Take control.
Lay out your expectations, and inform her of the consequences if she doesn't strive to meet them.
Then be prepared to walk the talk. 
You have to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it.
I posted my story (very similar) on a thread in here this week.
I used this strategy, and it has worked for me.
My marriage is still a work in process, but seriously, they all are.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You are her "Plan B". Give her her walking papers and put yourself first


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So I think YOU have taken on way too much in your relationship. Yes, she gets backaches, but that doesn't mean that SHE can't cook.
Why did YOU have to go out and get printer ink and food? Can't she drive? Is she at high risk? ALL of this shouldn't fall on your back.
There is a real imbalance in your marriage, and you are on the short stick side. She needs to be pulling her weight also.

I think that maybe you both are just is such a rut of "this is how we do things" that it is causing issues.

Try this: Schedule sex with her (whatever frequency/time works for you both) and STICK TO THAT SCHEDULE. There shouldn't be a 10 task job list to work through before you can have sex. Tell her you need this intimacy (and THAT is what this is -- not just getting your rocks off) and that your MARRIAGE needs this intimacy between you.
TALK to her, listen to her concerns, but this needs to be something that needs to be active in a marriage.


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## Ohiolover (Apr 10, 2020)

My wife and I had a deep conversation this evening. She apologized for the rape comment and she admitted to being negligent. She also agreed that I do more for her than she does for me and will actively try to be more attentive to my needs. 
We’ll see, I’ll get back if not


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