# Separated, now I have a crush, hubby wants to return



## belle_ (Sep 19, 2012)

I have been married for over a year. My husband insisted on living with his parents in his mother's house for reasons of elder care. I moved in with them. To cut a long story short, his mother hijacked the marriage from Day One and destroyed it even before it had a chance to begin. I lived with them for 5 months before eventually moving back to my home town. Now, we live in different cities and have spent more time separated, than with each other. 

Somewhere along the way, my husband discovered his mother's true colours and moved out of her house. He claims he has reached the point of completely disowning her. He says he wants to make it up to me, make the marriage work and set right his past mistakes. He wants to move to my city and live with me. It is evident he loves me very much. I do not love him. I have been asking for a divorce since long, but he won't let go. (He knows I would prefer divorce by mutual consent over the emotional and financial rigours of fighting him out in the courts.) I have told him I am sick of giving him a "second chance" after each of his countless failures. I understand that his intentions are good but he does not have it in him to make marriage work. 

I have developed a crush on a professional contact. For obvious reasons, I am careful not to let anyone know about my feelings for him. He is saccharine sweet to me but I don't know if he behaves that way with every one. My heart leaps with joy every time I get his attention. I feel disappointed when he does not reply to my messages. Whenever I wish I could be with him, I watch videos of his on YouTube (he is a public figure of sorts). I fawn over his exotic accent, his rosy cheeks, his scholarly demeanour, his hidden sense of humour. Sometimes, I spend sleepless nights thinking about him. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of night and stare at his photos stored in my phone. Just thinking about him makes me happy and light. His words brighten my day. I feel like a teenager high on life. He knows I am married. I don't know if he has a partner. 

Do I feel guilty about having this crush? No. Is there a chance I could take it ahead with my crush? None, because of my marital status. (Besides, it's risky because of our professional involvement.) Will I be over him in some time? Maybe; I'm not sure. Am I ready for another serious relationship yet? Possibly not. I don't believe what I am doing is emotional infidelity or amounts to breaking the nuptial vows. I want my husband and I to move on from a marriage we never had. I tried talking with my husband about this, but in vain. Someday, he might travel 1500 kilometres, with bag and baggage, and show up at my door. I talk about divorce; he talks about shipping me tulips.

On one hand I have to stop myself from going moon-eyed in front of my crush. On the other, I am trying to convince my husband to back off. I really don't know what to do.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Did you feel the way you do about your husband before this crush developed or did these feelings of "i don't love him. don't want to give him another chance,etc" show up after your crush showed up?

not judging you,just trying to figure out if you're making a choice based on real feelings or based on the fog of a crush.


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## belle_ (Sep 19, 2012)

The feelings of not loving my husband, and not falling for his assurances and promises came before we separated. His only reply ever has been, "I'll ensure I don't fail this time". My crush is only about a month old.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok OP what makes you think your husband doesn't have it in him to make the marriage work? If he is taking steps on improving himself.... I would say he does have it in him to make it work. How long have you known your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Geez I feel bad for your husband ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

" I have told him I am sick of giving him a "second chance" after each of his countless failures"

countless failures during one year of marriage? explain.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

so the way I see it,the man has let you down countless times.you're in a new city,on your own...taking care of business without him. what would he be bringing to the table? doesn't sound like he'd be bringing much.

if you do have a change of heart and give it another go, don't live with him right away...you want to make sure he's all grown up and making real changes that will stick before you commit to living with him again.

the crush as all crushes...is being made sweeter by the fact that you can't have him without causing a bunch of potential drama for yourself.

you know what you have to focus on and get through before you're free to chase crushes stay on track with what you know you want and you'll be ok


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## belle_ (Sep 19, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Ok OP what makes you think your husband doesn't have it in him to make the marriage work? If he is taking steps on improving himself.... I would say he does have it in him to make it work. How long have you known your husband?


I have known him for 3 years now. The reasons why I think he can't make marriage (with any woman) work would make a long list. He has been financially irresponsible all his life. I had accepted this fact when I married him because I thought this was his only drawback. He has been unemployed since before we got married. He turned down job offers, now no one is giving him a job. He can't afford a house; he is living with a friend since his mother practically evicted him from her house. (He didn't want to live with her either.) 

I made great sacrifices for the sake of this marriage. I moved jobs, homes and cities. He went about slandering me in front of anyone who was willing to listen. He held me responsible for the problems he and his mother had created in the marriage and were fuelling. (I hacked into his email account when I figured out he was doing this and saved copies of every bit of mud-slinging.) He later admitted he was a jerk to involve all and sundry in our private matters and that he should have stood up against his mother. He realised his mother's true colours only after she did something 5 months into our marriage that harmed his father, to whom he is deeply attached. 

Every time, he would say he would fix the situation. Every time, he failed. He would just throw his hands up in the air and say he was sorry he could not do it and that he wanted to try again. He was never able to take tough decisions. If he did, he would never stick to his guns. It was either his lack of effort or will or foresight or bad judgement or all of this. And maybe bad luck too.

His father has dementia. His mother has taken all his father's money for what she calls her needs and "merry-making". His father requires really expensive medical treatment, caregiving, etc. My husband is not and will not be able to afford any of that. If he doesn't earn enough to run a house, pay for his upkeep or that of his father/ parents, where does that leave me?


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## belle_ (Sep 19, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> " I have told him I am sick of giving him a "second chance" after each of his countless failures"
> 
> countless failures during one year of marriage? explain.


The marriage started on the wrong foot and went downhill all the time. I have explained this in detail in a reply to Gaia below: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/56325-separated-now-i-have-crush-hubby-wants-return.html#post1079609


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## belle_ (Sep 19, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> so the way I see it,the man has let you down countless times.you're in a new city,on your own...taking care of business without him. what would he be bringing to the table? doesn't sound like he'd be bringing much.
> 
> if you do have a change of heart and give it another go, don't live with him right away...you want to make sure he's all grown up and making real changes that will stick before you commit to living with him again.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot, ScarletBegonias. That was heartening. 

I was living in the new city for a few months after marriage. I am now back in my home city where I have a fantastic, well-paying job (and some really interesting professional contacts. :awink: )

I have made it clear to him that if he shows up in my city, I won't put him up until he is prepared in every way to sustain himself. And that I'll ensure his do****bag family and friends won't be get their hands on me here. 

I hope my crush is around and available when I am ready for him.


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## belle_ (Sep 19, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Geez I feel bad for your husband ...


From a distant, objective vantage point, I feel bad for him too. His own mother destroyed his marriage. He had refused to support me or save the marriage because he wanted to stay with his parents. To this day, his mother says she doesn't want our marriage to work out. He and his mother feel betrayed by each other.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Belle I understand your frusteration.. believe me.. in more ways then one. My own spouse has a toxic family as well and he is only now fully realizing how this has effected our relationship. I understand the financial situation as well. Perhap its time you take more of a lead on the finances? Sit your hubby down and create a budget and plan as well as schedule for when something is due, appointments, ect. 


I just recently found out my own spouse has ADD/ADHD so perhaps you and your hubby could make an appointment to see if his irresponsible behavior may be partly due to some condition such as this. I know all to well how hurtful mudslinging from a spouse can be which is one reason my own and I are going to mc. If your willing to give it one last shot you may want to try some of these suggestions before throwing in the towel. 



Oh and don't expect it to instantly or dramatically get better either if you do this. It will be a lot of hard work but it just may be worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

belle_ said:


> Thanks a lot, ScarletBegonias. That was heartening.
> 
> I was living in the new city for a few months after marriage. I am now back in my home city where I have a fantastic, well-paying job (and some really interesting professional contacts. :awink: )
> 
> ...


You have seriously good boundaries, that’s the best I’ve read here on TAM. I really don’t know what to advise you, you seem to be doing more than ok all by yourself.



Crushes are all ok, but you do need to check them out as you've discovered with your H. Maybe the pedestal you hike them up and on to is too high and you need to get more real.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> " I have told him I am sick of giving him a "second chance" after each of his countless failures"
> 
> countless failures during one year of marriage? explain.


It is VERY possible to accure "countless failures" in one year and even 6 months of marriage. I know from a prior marriage that this is very possible.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

So, since you have a crush on another guy and you husband is full of faults, including refusing to abandon his old father with dementia, why did you post this?

It's seems pretty clear that you should divorce and pursue this other perfect guy. Because he won't have real life issues and will just be perfect.

This way you can even test if your husband has what it takes to make a marriage work when he wises up and goes for another woman.

I see no downs with this scenario.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Belle, if your marriage is only a year in duration, and your husband has not put you first and foremost over his stupid family, allowing his mommy to get between you two, then it makes sense to leave his sorry arse.

Your easily having a crush on this celebrity is just more proof that your love for your husband is lost, gone.

Do your husband and yourself a favor and split and move on.

What most posters here don't get is that when a spouse allows his mother to get between the couple, and it is chronic as you have described, it can really really damage a marriage, especially when the husband does not man up and tell his mother to shut the F up!


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## belle_ (Sep 19, 2012)

costa200 said:


> So, since you have a crush on another guy and *you husband is full of faults, including refusing to abandon his old father with dementia*, why did you post this?
> 
> It's seems pretty clear that you should divorce and pursue this other perfect guy. Because *he won't have real life issues and will just be perfect.*


What part of posts indicated I want my husband to leave his old father suffering from dementia? I *don't* hold it against my husband or his father that he has dementia or that his treatment and upkeep are quite a task and are expensive. In fact, the same mother-in-law who harassed me has also done things that aggravated his mental condition, if not caused it in the first place. So, I understand what his father has lived through for a few decades. *One of my problems* is that my husband can't afford to sustain his father, and the biggest reason (after his mother's robbery) for that is his financial callousness. 

I don't expect any marriage to be free of its shares of problems. There is no such thing as an uncomplicated relationship. Even if it works out between my crush and me, I am sure we will go through issues. But one of the things I don't expect from any man in my life henceforth is to be treated like a second-class occupant of the household. My mother-in-law threatened many times to chuck me out of "her" house when she knew fully well that I was living there only on the insistence of my husband.


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