# I think I might finally be "done"



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

It’s been a long road to here.

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, we’ve been married for 5 of them. I first found out that he was cheating on me in July of 2015 (we got married in May of 2015) I was pregnant with our daughter when I found out…. We worked through it (or so I thought)… He swore that he was being faithful.

I gained a lot of weight after our daughter was born, and discovered that I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which made packing on the pounds super easy! I would complain that our sex life was lacking & he told me our sex life sucked because I got fat (I would catch him masturbating to porn instead of coming to me…) Well, I got the thyroid problem under control, went to therapy, got my diet in check and started hitting the gym regularly. I managed to cut 115 lbs in 2 years! Yes, I was morbidly obese and now I’m a healthy weight. To be honest I think I’m hot now! Confidence is pretty damn sexy!

All the work I put into myself helped me gain a large amount of self-respect and self-esteem. I went on to discover that even after I dropped all the weight (and some) our sex life was still lacking, we weren’t communicating, when we did talk, we were fighting.

Found out in April of 2019 that he continued to cheat on me with many different women. Ironically some were bigger than I ever was… but ya know, me being fat was the problem… Blame shifting much? He used to gaslight me and I actually believed that I was the problem and this time, I KNEW better! He’s a narcissist who will manipulate you emotionally until he gets what he wants. He has no regard for the chaos he’s creating in other people’s lives.

I said we needed to get into marriage counseling if we’d have any chance of working through it this time. For a while we were communicating and working ok together.
Then 2020 happened… councilor went virtual & we stopped going, for a while we were ok, but over the past couple months communication has stopped. there have been a lot of stressors with him being overburdened with work (we both work full time), we have been taking care of my brothers children, the youngest we’d had for 16 months from 6 days old to 16 months then she went home with her mother in July 2020, my nephew (who’s lived with us on and off for half his life) went home with his mother in September 2020. I believe the children leaving to live with their mothers struck a chord with him (he has a lot of past trauma from an abusive upbringing that hes never dealt with) Fights have been getting increasingly nasty and at more frequency since July. Hes got a nasty tongue and does not fight “fairly” with me, he must “win” every argument. I’ve taken to just conceding my point and walking away. The argument isn’t worth the effort. I’m constantly walking on eggshells to not set him off and its ****ing unfair to me. What kind of example am I setting for my daughter?

On Labor Day 9/7/20 things came to a head. We were supposed to go over to my parents house to work on a home improvement project. We’d agreed to be there early in the day to get a lot accomplished. By 11am I was fed up with him laying on the couch, and a fight ensued. I wasn’t considering his issues (he was hungover from drinking the night before and was dizzy) He could have said he couldn’t do the project that day & that would have been the end of it. Instead the argument continued escalating and I told him to leave if he couldn’t act like a mature adult. I’m no longer allowing him to yell and scream and belittle me in front of children. That is unacceptable. He went into our bedroom and continued making a ruckus. I told the kids to go into another room and play with their tablets. Then went and pulled our bedroom door shut (didn’t slam, but closed it to muffle his ******** a bit). He ripped the door open and raved that if I closed it again there wouldn’t be a door. My reply was dude, you need to stop. Then I pulled the door closed again, mind you, I made sure not to slam it, I was trying to diffuse the situation, not escalate further. He proceeded to destroy the door by kicking it out into the hallway. I told him he needed to leave immediately and asked if I needed to call the police. He dared me to and said I would “watch them end it” (I took that as a threat to harm himself. This person is not acting in a rational manner and I don’t take these things lightly) Instead of the police I called my father & said I needed him at my house. He finally left while I was on the phone with my father. After my father showed up he and a friend urged me to call the police. Things have gone on like this for too long (this is the 4th or 5th time we’ve replaced a door that hes destroyed just in the past 5 years) I called the police who came out and made a report. They urged me to petition for a 302 and a protection from abuse order the following day. I went to crisis & petitioned for a 302 for him, I was worried he was going to hurt himself or someone else or even me or our kids with how irrational and unpredictable he was being. The 302 was approved & the police picked him up that night. The 302 didnt stick he was acting rational with the dr... Smooth talker he is..... He went on to text me all night about how I sent a death squad after him. He was posting on facebook about fighting cops and I’d mentioned in my report that hes had issues with police in the past and for them to be prepared in the event that he tries suicide by cop (which is how I took his veiled threat). I don’t know how many texts I received from him that night but I was refusing to respond. They were all emotionally manipulative texts aimed at what I was doing to him. WHAT I WAS DOING TO HIM?!?!?!

He was begging me to let him in the house around 6am so he could sleep. Claiming he had gone to work and his boss told him to go home because he looked like ****.. He had thrown his house keys at me in his fit of rage so I made sure I locked the door after he left. I told him that I felt he should find somewhere else to sleep for now. I was shaking and afraid of what might happen if I let him in. Would he attack me in retaliation for trying to get him help against his wishes? Would I come home to find his body? These are things I was not willing to risk….

He went to a mutual friends house and stayed there for a week, in that time I said he needed to get into therapy and anger management and I would consider marriage counseling again to work on our communication.

In the week he was gone the house was quiet, tidier than usual even, without me continually cleaning up his mess I was able to tackle clutter a little bit at a time & it stayed tidy, imagine that?

Today marks a month since this incident. He has been doing virtual therapy and claims that it’s helping. I haven’t been home much so I can’t attest to this.
He has tried telling me that my family and mutual friends were not permitted at our house, I told him that he will not isolate me and that I will not alienate my family and friends who came to help me while he was acting like a nutbag. I told him that he is free to leave if they come by and he’s uncomfortable with it. He went on to say it’s his house and blah blah blah I stopped listening & walked away. The first few weeks he was back in the house he was cleaning up after himself and not being an asshole. The last week he has been giving me an attitude about not seeing me, I’m completing the project he walked out on after starting at my parents house.

It’s taken me a month of all my spare time to get it nearly complete. I grabbed some tools on Monday to take over to be used there; he gave me an attitude about not talking to him about it. I didn’t think it was an issue, it’s not like he was using the tools. He was just being an asshole because he could. I snapped back with he could be doing the job, like he said he would (ok, not the best behavior on my part but… I’m not saying I’m perfect) I left after saying that, he was yelling things out the door but I didn’t bother stopping to listen.

He and I are sleeping in separate rooms in the house, to be quite honest I don’t want him in bed with me. I’m disgusted with him and how little regard he has for me and our household. Hes right back to being a slob and leaving his crap everywhere. He has made small steps and is taking on doing more things around the house but it’s so inconsistent that I can’t rely on him to do it so I find myself constantly having to check to ensure things were done.

:Sighs:

I’m tired man, I’m not sure I want to bother trying to work through this. Hes back to the porn sites that I’d specifically requested he stop using (chaturbate, etc) the ones where you’re interacting with the person, I told him that I was uncomfortable with it, I set a clear boundary & he doesnt care. Who’s to say he wont go out and tell someone that we have an open marriage again. Insecure men are exhausting. I haven’t enjoyed having sex with him in months, I would do it so he would be happy but I didn’t enjoy it. My head isn’t into it because I cant get past all the other **** going on with us. I don’t need sex. And if its gonna be 30 seconds of him grunting on top of me and smelling his godawful breath, PASS. I’m not attracted to him anymore, he’s let himself go physically, he’s 230 right now (has been upwards of 260), he’s pretty chunky, and he had the balls to go after my weight lol. I let our daughter sleep in bed with me; she is a deterrent to him sleeping in the same bed as she kicks him while shes sleeping and he *****es about it.

It’s been simple to not be around him for a while, I’m nearly done working on the bathroom and bedroom renovation at my parents place. I worry how things will be when I’m home more….However, I’m clear headed and not willing to take the childish ******** anymore, I deserve better. Our daughter deserves better. He can be better or he can be gone.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You do deserve better. It doesn't sound like he actually wants a mature relationship. But bottom line he's a serial cheater. Done. Don't need anything else. He doesn't treat you with respect. Make a plan and get out.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

He's abusive and he is harming your children by belittling you in front of them. You have to leave. If not for your own then for their sake. See a lawyer and figure out how to get him out and gone for good. 

Next time he gets violent and starts breaking things, call the police immediately. Don't threaten to or let him know what is happening. Just do it. You can see that he is escalating so you can't keep taking any chances. He's going to seriously hurt someone if he is not stopped.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not going to change — not for the better, not permanently. Oh, you may see some temporary change now and then when things get really bad but what you are seeing is who he really is. And that’s an abusive cheater. Want to spend the rest of your life with that?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This man is a violent abusive serial cheat, why are you still with him?


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DeeSquiggles said:


> It’s been a long road to here.
> 
> I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, we’ve been married for 5 of them. I first found out that he was cheating on me in July of 2015 (we got married in May of 2015) I was pregnant with our daughter when I found out…. We worked through it (or so I thought)… He swore that he was being faithful.
> 
> ...


Wow, just wow. 
If you believe he's a narcissist (and he sounds like an overt, and a violent one at that), there's no changing him, at all. I wouldn't subject myself or children to this. It's frightening! And if he is a narcissist, it's almost impossible they will change. I wouldn't do anything to get him angry in any way, for fear of more violence...Do yourself a favor, get out and get an order of protection against him. If you can, leave with your children and go to your parents.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I have absolutely no clue why you are still with this “man”.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I would have given him a whole lot more than attitude. Pig. Why would you let a violent, cheating pig back in the house? I cannot fathom that at all.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

You THINK you MIGHT be done?!? Is there some doubt in your mind?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@DeeSquiggles, time to file the papers. How old are your kids, this is both physical and emotional abuse and it is not only damaging you but your kids. Why can't you just divorce this man? What does your family think?


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

Our daughter is 5, I'm no longer caring for my niece and nephew, (thankfully their mothers have been clean long enough to get their children back and hopefully will be able to continue to care for their children) there is only the 1 child in the house now. Being together as long as we have so many things are intertwined, I have no idea where to start. I opened individual bank accounts a year and a half ago when the last cheating incident came to light and have been saving as much as I can in case I needed an exit strategy. I've been paying off any debt but where to go from there I have no idea. I'm worried about the cost of a lawyer.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DeeSquiggles said:


> Being together as long as we have so many things are intertwined, I have no idea where to start. I opened individual bank accounts a year and a half ago when the last cheating incident came to light and have been saving as much as I can in case I needed an exit strategy.


I'm really glad to hear this. It may take more time than you want, but don't worry. Don't worry about being together as long as you have, you will be better off than this situation. You'll be stronger and happier for it, so will your daughter. Don't think for a second you're doing her any favors by staying in this.


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

Realizing today after reading this again, I ignored the incident that happened the week prior to labor day where I packed up the kids (had DD and Nephew at that time) and left the house leaving behind our day old puppies, that was difficult, however, he refused to leave and refused to stop yelling and belittling me. I'm hurting my daughter by allowing that kind of behavior, she got upset as I said we had to go and thought we needed to move out and tried packing up all the things in her room and she said "we need to move out mommy, because daddys crazy, he used to be nice but now hes mean" I can't forget these things, I need to remember all this crap if I'm going to stay strong and not fall prey to his trap again.


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

The day prior my sister was over while my dog was whelping her pups and asked if I wanted her to stay because she couldnt believe how he was talking to me and yelling at me while our dog was in labor. Of course I asked her to stay and he went into our bedroom and stayed for the rest of the night, useless fuker


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DeeSquiggles said:


> Realizing today after reading this again, I ignored the incident that happened the week prior to labor day where I packed up the kids (had DD and Nephew at that time) and left the house leaving behind our day old puppies, that was difficult, however, he refused to leave and refused to stop yelling and belittling me. I'm hurting my daughter by allowing that kind of behavior, she got upset as I said we had to go and thought we needed to move out and tried packing up all the things in her room and she said "we need to move out mommy, because daddys crazy, he used to be nice but now hes mean" I can't forget these things, I need to remember all this crap if I'm going to stay strong and not fall prey to his trap again.


I'm glad to hear that you feel empowered. I grew up similarly, and my mom stayed for too long. It affected me and my siblings in a bad way; and even til this day I have severe anxiety and at one point, co-dependency issues. Still have the anxiety, but broke the co-dependency somehow. Do not force your daughter years of trying to overcome abuse...it's not fun.


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I'm glad to hear that you feel empowered. I grew up similarly, and my mom stayed for too long. It affected me and my siblings in a bad way; and even til this day I have severe anxiety and at one point, co-dependency issues. Still have the anxiety, but broke the co-dependency somehow. Do not force your daughter years of trying to overcome abuse...it's not fun.



The household I grew up in was abusive verbally and physically, I never wanted her in this kind of situation. DH grew up being abused by his alcoholic father and his mother took the baby and hid.. Totally messed up.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DeeSquiggles said:


> The household I grew up in was abusive verbally and physically, I never wanted her in this kind of situation. DH grew up being abused by his alcoholic father and his mother took the baby and hid.. Totally messed up.


It's rough all around. But if he won't take steps to change himself, there's not much you can do. I doubt it, but would he be willing to get therapy and anger management?


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> It's rough all around. But if he won't take steps to change himself, there's not much you can do. I doubt it, but would he be willing to get therapy and anger management?


He started doing individual therapy with a LCSW that does anger management as well on 09/10/20 - there havent been any bad outbursts in the past few weeks, but its only been a month. I've avoided him for most of it.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I was thinking you had posted prior to this thread (something about the niece and nephew), but this shows as your first post so I'm going to give you th standard safety advice, which I can't believe your police officers didn't give you.
Abuse escalates. You need to have safety priorities firmly in your mind.
First priority is your physical safety. if he breaks your bones, cuts you, or injures your head you will not be able to care for your child or home or money. So the first Priority is to save your physical self.
Second priority is the physical safety of your child. Your child has no hope of protecting herself. That is your second job.
Third priority is protecting your assets. In this order. Money, home, things. 
the more of your assets that you can protect the more quickly you can rebuild.
Forth priority, the abusive spouse. yes it is likely that he will harm himself through anger , foolish actions, or neglect. You cannot help him unless you are alive, healthy, secure and wealthy. that is why this is so far down the list.

Your local police tried an involuntary commitment. This was probably a try for a long term solution. The standard book answer for a broken door, is a 2 week restraining order. The reason they do that is to keep people alive. Honestly I think you could walk into the local police and have a restraining order today. Restraining orders don't protect you or prevent him from getting to you. They establish enhanced penalties if he does. It is important to understand that point and arrange extra safety barriers. Family, friends , locks , caution. stuff like that.

TLDR the point of this advice is to get you to understand that your very life is in danger. Take action!


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DeeSquiggles said:


> He started doing individual therapy with a LCSW that does anger management as well on 09/10/20 - there havent been any bad outbursts in the past few weeks, but its only been a month. I've avoided him for most of it.


So if he is trying this and hasn't had a bad outburst in the past few weeks, what prompted you to write yesterday?


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> So if he is trying this and hasn't had a bad outburst in the past few weeks, what prompted you to write yesterday?


I just started typing yesterday, part of me wanted to get it out of my head and with watching how DH is talking less and less with his therapist and I'm seeing things revert back to the way they were (his slovenly nature), I believe my relationship with this "man" is over.


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> I was thinking you had posted prior to this thread (something about the niece and nephew), but this shows as your first post so I'm going to give you th standard safety advice, which I can't believe your police officers didn't give you.
> Abuse escalates. You need to have safety priorities firmly in your mind.
> First priority is your physical safety. if he breaks your bones, cuts you, or injures your head you will not be able to care for your child or home or money. So the first Priority is to save your physical self.
> Second priority is the physical safety of your child. Your child has no hope of protecting herself. That is your second job.
> ...


Oh they did, I went to the county courthouse and got a temporary restraining order, it was good for a week, then in court there wasn't enough evidence to get anything further. The temp order expired and we agreed he could come back to the house with him pursuing individual therapy and anger management, with the possibility of us doing marriage counseling as well.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

DeeSquiggles said:


> Oh they did, I went to the county courthouse and got a temporary restraining order, it was good for a week, then in court there wasn't enough evidence to get anything further. The temp order expired and we agreed he could come back to the house with him pursuing individual therapy and anger management, with the possibility of us doing marriage counseling as well.


Thanks for the reply, it makes me feel better. Honestly if he hits or breaks stuff or acts in any way violent you can get that order re done. They take this stuff very seriously.


----------



## ~YaYa~ (Oct 8, 2020)

This is awful what you have gone through and you don't need this at all as do your children. I love the title of this because I really think you are done with this violent and cheating man. You need to move on and find something better.


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> Thanks for the reply, it makes me feel better. Honestly if he hits or breaks stuff or acts in any way violent you can get that order re done. They take this stuff very seriously.


Ironically the police explained to me that DH can break things, in our state it's not considered domestic violence, hes permitted to destroy "his" door. IMO messed up.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

DeeSquiggles said:


> Ironically the police explained to me that DH can break things, in our state it's not considered domestic violence, hes permitted to destroy "his" door. IMO messed up.


And they didn't seem to care that he was breaking down the door to get to you? Sure, he can break his own doors. ****ty behavior but not illegal. However physically blocking someone's escape route and breaking down a door to get to you is generally considered violent behavior and worthy of a restraining order.

Google "domestic violence advocate" for your area. Usually your closest court house will have an advocate who can help you navigate the police and legal side of things. They will help get them to take it seriously and let you know what you need to say and do. Some times it could be the way you're framing the situation that can make it look like you're not in as much danger as you really are especially if you're telling them things like he's fine when he's sober and you keep allowing him to come back after he's cooled off. It's completely wrong to see it that way but some police just aren't able to read between the lines or take it seriously if you don't stand firm on getting rid of him. A DV advocate can help you get what you need and can look into legal services to help you.


----------



## ~YaYa~ (Oct 8, 2020)

DeeSquiggles said:


> Ironically the police explained to me that DH can break things, in our state it's not considered domestic violence, hes permitted to destroy "his" door. IMO messed up.


Breaking stuff such as throwing a plate on the floor is one thing, but breaking something with the intent to injure someone else is entirely another thing.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Start recording him -- either through a voice recorder or video on your phone. You may need this at some point as proof so it's not a he said-she said. Just find out if the recording is allowed in your state.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

#1 The police are not allowed to give you legal advice. They do routinely interpret the law as part of their work, but they have no authority to make that interpretation stick. I second the domestic violence advocate. Also your family law lawyer (the one you will be seeing soon about the divorce) is allowed to give you legal advice. In fact they are supposed to. 

#2 I've personally seen some very sketchy legal interpretation from local police officers. 

#3 If you are injured in any way go to the emergency room first. Doctors and nurses are the most likely people to believe an abuse allegation. getting them on your side will help with that judge.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People who don’t want their relationship to end make lots of promises. They rarely keep them. Why? Because it takes time and energy and, most important, a great deal of work to change permanently. He took the second chance you gave him and put in some effort for awhile to get back in the house. It didn’t really work. Now it’s time to protect yourself and your daughter.


----------



## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Proud of you for working on getting your life in order! Sounds like a sleazeball. Keeping my fingers crossed for your success.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Counseling and therapy etc do not change or transform a bad person into a good one. I have no idea why you seem to think there is Hope here. 

Save your time and money rom marital counseling and use it on lawyers and protective orders, divorce and getting away from him. 

He is simply a bad person and is not partner or father material.

And your fears are not unfounded - trust them.

He will eventually hurt you and or the kids and he likely will die by either police, his fellow drug dealers/criminals or by his own hand.

You want to be as far away from him and as uninvolved with that as possible when it happens.

Once you are safe and away from him, you need to seek therapy for yourself to determine why your “Picker” is so bad and you have such low esteem of yourself that you think it is ok to be with a person like that. 

You need to address that issue and correct before you even think about getting involved with another man or the next one will be just as bad.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DeeSquiggles said:


> Ironically the police explained to me that DH can break things, in our state it's not considered domestic violence, hes permitted to destroy "his" door. IMO messed up.


That’s why you need to get away from him and into your own place. 

If his name is on the mortgage/deed, a Slick-Willy lawyer may be able to get him off because it was “his” door.

But if you have your own place, then it is your door.


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

Thank you all for the replies, I consider DH and I separated since 9/7/20 I told him he needs to address his mental health issues and seek anger management. We are residing in the same house, but using separate rooms. I'm not putting up with anything from him, if he even starts to get loud I shut it down and leave with our daughter.

I've told him he is free to leave at any point, I can manage the house without him, frankly I was happier and more at ease when he was gone. Just that alone tells me that it's time to move on. I have no interest in being in a relationship with anyone. DH has no business being in a relationship with anyone, can't get your happiness from external sources, that comes from inside. 

I said to him him a few months ago "I know what I enjoy and what makes me happy. Do you?" He couldn't give me an answer, RED FLAGS!

Something I learned in the past couple years is that you need to not lose yourself in your relationship, you must maintain your own individuality to maintain you happiness. For me happiness is taking the dogs out and going to shows, training and different events. I have traveled all over doing dog shows, and IGP competitions (Obedience, Tracking & Protection Work) He has enjoyed doing these things with me but it was also a point of contention. I am always striving to do better than before & am a driven person. I would correct how he was doing something & instead of changing what he was doing he would get defensive and storm off and say hes never doing it again, then get involved again a few weeks/months later (I seem to have ignored lots of red flags over the years)

The ease of which he lies bothers me, more and more it seems hes lying for no good reason (there are now cameras installed in the house with audio and recording set up, I can go back and replay some of the things that come out of his mouth? utter BS!), man, I'm beyond the point where I care what he does.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DeeSquiggles said:


> .
> 
> I've told him he is free to leave at any point, I can manage the house without him, frankly I was happier and more at ease when he was gone. Just that alone tells me that it's time to move on. .




Years ago when syndicated newspaper columnist Ann Landers had her advice column, people would often write in asking if they should leave their spouse. The one question she would ask them if they were better off with or without them. 

Sounds like you have answered that question.


----------



## DeeSquiggles (Oct 7, 2020)

I havent updated here in a while... lets see.... DH and I are still under the same roof, using seperate rooms. He stopped talking to his therapist in october, didnt do anger management....
I've been talking to a therapist since December.


Journaling:
November 17, 2020
DH actually apologized this past weekend for being an ass. He had freaked out last week when an old friend offered to repair a ceiling in our house. I told him about the friend offering to do it; he got in a huff and said he wanted to fix it. Well. I went ahead and had my friend do it anyway.... Mind you it's needed to be done for 5 years now. Ok, going against his wishes was unfair, I waited a few days for him to cool off and explained to him that he was being unreasonable in giving me an attitude about having it fixed. I had someone else do the repair as he has been working a lot lately and it being done is one less thing that he needs to do. It took him a few more days before he apologized for being an ass when I was trying to do things in his best interest, even if he didn’t see it that way at the time. I'm hesitant to allow it to get my hopes up that it will continue though.


December 28, 2020
Having trouble communicating, not seeing the point in bothering to explain how I'm feeling, he doesn’t care to listen, always makes things about him. Unintentionally for the most part, classic narcissistic bs. He can’t see past himself. He was acting like a fool over nothing on Christmas eve (typical holiday freak out over nothing for him - happens every holiday before my family comes over - which he had orchestrated...) I tried diffusing the situation and told him he needs to stop screaming at me and act like an adult or leave. He kept yelling, I again told him he needed to stop or leave, he again refused, so I turned around the camera that is usually facing our front step and told him to have at it since he can’t control himself. He finally stopped yelling, left and when he came back he spent the rest of the day in his bedroom (we're still using separate rooms...) I'm trying to not feel hurt about him remaining in the room the entire time my family was over. We went to his mothers on Christmas and he keeps saying to me it's been the best Christmas ever and doesn’t understand why I just look at him when he says it and walk away... ::sighs:: it’s not worth the argument.


January 15, 2021
I know that eventually I'm going to need to TALK to my husband, he’s been telling people (friends/ family who are aware of our troubles) that we're working through things and doing ok. Yea, that’s untrue.... Simply put, we don’t talk. He's working overnights so I don’t see him during the week, and I've been finding lots of things to do away from the house on weekends so we aren’t seeing much of one another at all. To me, we've been separated since September 7th, part of our agreement of him coming back into the house was him being in individual therapy and anger management, and he stopped his individual therapy in October. He has no desire to alter his behavior. I'm starting to agree with the doctor that diagnosed him as a sociopath in his teens, he’s delusional, argumentative, has to one-up everybody, is a pathological liar.... I doubt he's ever going to deal with the traumas that he’s carrying around and frankly I can’t do it for him. I can only take care of me and our daughter and try to ensure we can handle things without him. As of right now things are headed toward divorce.



February 4, 2021
I'm feeling pretty good this week, had a night out with just the girls on Saturday. Had a night out, away from children and husbands, a good friend and my sister, we rented a hotel room Saturday night. Ordered takeout, took long luxurious showers with no interruptions drank some cocktails and watched netflix all night talking and joking. It was wonderful! DH apologized to me on Sunday for his anxiety about me spending the night out. He worries that I'll cheat on him, which is hysterical to me; I am not interested in sex/relationship/any of it, not even with the idiot husband lol. Heck I don’t even masturbate, I'm not interested. (sorry if that’s TMI) He and I have been working better with one another this week, communicating a bit better, mostly just day to day household things but its still communication without me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.


February 22, 2021
Had a rough week. I went to a friend’s house on a whim Wednesday night and didn’t tell DH (inconsiderate of me), I didn’t get back until pretty late as DD was having a lot of fun playing with their daughter and it wasn’t a school night or work night due to the snow storm that was going to be coming in so I didn’t feel there was a hurry to get home. He called me freaking out that I wasn’t home and didn’t tell him I was going out. He tried to make it sound like he was concerned which to me came across like more control and manipulative behavior. After getting home and putting our DD to bed and bringing in the dogs that I took with me, I tried talking to him, I tried to make some of my feelings clear to DH. He got angry and said he gets it; "I don’t give a **** about our marriage."

I've been avoiding my home/husband as he can’t seem to treat me with respect and he refuses to leave the house as it's his house too. He made a big show of moving all his clothes over to the spare bedroom and throwing away things that I'd given him over the years. I don’t understand his refusal to leave. I even said take all the $ in our account to get yourself a place of your own just stop treating me with so much disrespect. I was nice enough to clear off both cars from the snow and shovel the driveway and sidewalk so he could get to work on time on Thursday. Instead of a thank you he flipped me off and gave me an attitude... I've been crying so much today, I shouldn’t be as sad about this as I am. He's an ass and treats me awfully more often than not anymore. Whether I'm considerate of him or avoiding him, he has a foul attitude and is angry about everything. This sucks.



February 23, 2021
It’s hard thinking a lot of the past 14 years of my life was so enmeshed in lies. 2 years ago, the last time I'd caught him cheating, we went to marriage counseling and it came out that he'd been sleeping with other women nearly our entire relationship. We set some clear boundaries and decided to move forward together. I don’t think he’s sleeping around this time, I think he's just not dealing with anxiety and or depression and is taking it out on me, which is unfair to me. He's asked me to do marriage counseling with him again to help with our breakdown in communication. I told him there was no point and that it would be a waste of money to work on us before he works through whatever he’s got going on in his head.

The biggest thing that makes me sad is that I can’t just talk to him. I can’t talk to him about taking the dogs to training as he hates the trainer I use and doesn’t want to hear about it. I can’t talk to him about my family as he hates them now too. I can’t talk to him about work because he thinks my job isn’t work. He dismisses my stresses and accomplishments and has to attempt to one up everything. Oh you did this? I did this... He can’t just be happy for me.



February 23, 2021
I wrote out my expectations of marriage:
Listen
Communicate well and often
Fight fairly
Honesty
Enjoy Spending Time Together
Show Respect for One Another
Conflict Resolution
Verbal Affection
Consideration of Differences
Willing to Compromise
Physical Intimacy

Then in a column next to them wrote is this happening in my current relationship.... every expectation I wrote down had "no" next to it.


February 23, 2021 
I know I'm not a Saint, I'm the reason they're isn't physical intimacy as I'm not interested with everything else that's wrong. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure there's a future with him and I. I got past the infidelity and hadnt been checking up to be sure he was being honest about it. It's his lack of respect for me that's killing us


February 24, 2021 
I dont love him anymore, I see him as manipulative and controlling, hes always been unwilling to compromise or resolve conflicts. I doubt he ever truly loved me, I think I'm more of a convenience for him, instead of love. I make things too easy for him, I handle our finances, I handle the household, I have continually had the argument with him that I'm not his parent, but I stupidly accepted a quasi-parental role by making sure everything was handled and expected him to grow as an individual.

No, I dont love him. I'm done being disrespected, emotionally manipulated and abused. I just want him gone and he refuses to leave.







Now:

I've been consulting with a number of lawyers (none of which have given me good news about being able to keep the house while getting him to move out) He's stated that its his house too. With 4 large breed dogs and my grooming salon built onto the house I cant just up and leave, as much as that would make things simpler. He refuses to leave.... mostly, I believe, to inconvenience me and to attempt the only control he has left.

He's now telling me hes back in therapy and they are going to address his borderline personality disorder (BPD) and anger issues. (I just ordered the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and have been checking out Borderline Personality Disorder I dont recall him ever talking about having borderline personality disorder before. 

Is it wrong that I'd hoped he would just find someone new and leave lol... too much to hope for.

Any other suggestions


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Any possibility you could rent a house in order to keep your dogs and business? How much equity is in your current home? Let's say you divorce. You get your name off the title. He has to pay you your half of the equity. Could that possibly work out?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm sorry you are here. Once he does figure out you are done and that you two aren't working toward reconnecting be prepared for him to get meaner.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DeeSquiggles said:


> I havent updated here in a while... lets see.... DH and I are still under the same roof, using seperate rooms. He stopped talking to his therapist in october, didnt do anger management....
> I've been talking to a therapist since December.
> 
> 
> ...


So with a situation like this, you would have to decide to go No Contact. If you don't follow through with No Contact, it could be extremely dangerous. Extremely. People like this unfortunately don't change. He could easily find someone else, sure. But I wouldn't live the rest of my life like this. Your kids have been impacted negatively already, believe me, I've been through it with my parents. If you choose to leave, you can NEVER go back.


----------

