# After divorce, dating is just depressing



## RaisedGarden

Hi Everyone,

So I haven't been here for some time, but I needed a place to air my latest queries to a group who may have been there. 

First off, I went through hell of a divorce(yes final) with a manipulative Narcissist of the Nth order.(you can find my story if you look) Been out on my own for awhile slowly chipping away at the Debt my ex-wife accumulated going to school on my back. Been in a few relationships since getting out, but I'm finding that the new boss is worse than the old boss. 

So in the last few years I dated a raging alcoholic, a manipulative younger girl who was a little handsy when she didn't get her way, a host of severely distressed paramours(who didn't last long) whose mental stability fell apart on the lightest of inspection, and now the latest one making my exwife look like a walk in the park. 

Quick back story, been seeing this girl(same age as me 40) for a little over 2 years. Seemed like a nice enough girl, active in the church, had her own place, liked animals, attractive, wanted to have kids, no existing baby daddy issues, etc....
Friends and family adored her, and she really did seem like someone to spend the rest of my life with, the perfect ending to the dating hell I was in. Then BAM!! three months in she had some misfortune(water issues made her house uninhabitable)and I asked her to move in(big mistake).

During the course of her cohabitation(which now is 2 years) she decided to go back to school full time with no source of income(she supposedly had savings), had a bad actor start to fix her house and walk away who was a friend, had another contractor fix her place and allowed a friend to move in with his wife behind my back who pays no rent before even being done(who also has limited work prospects), had her dog diagnosed with cancer and a ton of vet bills(paid by me), and a ton of car issues. To add insult to injury she is extremely confrontational and has either deliberately or inadvertently caused issues with all my friends and family who will no longer allow her in their homes(severe strain with everyone when I go solo), she has severe depressive episodes where she locks herself in bed or the tub for days on end, lied about ever wanting to have children(I may be too old now at this point, so mute point), really had no savings to speak of, and she likes to hit.

So what it boils down to is I have a money leech living at my place without any source of income other than handouts from her father who has a mortgage I have to cover most months, and no way to move out since her home is currently occupied by another leech. When she isn't holed up in bed, or in the bath, she starts fights and I'm deathly afraid of the police ever showing up and dragging me away even though she is the aggressor. So folks did I just step in crap again and just have horrible luck, or did any of you find something remotely approaching normal post divorce around 40? Because my track record doesn't make me think it exists. :banghead:


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## jorgegene

your picker needs to get better. you are picking from the bottom of the barrel.

there are plenty of good women out there, but you're not finding them, so something is wrong. either that, or you are not
finding out their true selves until it's too late and your already deep in.

i should talk. i went through a bad relationship myself. what i learned: first appearances can be very deceiving.
you have to learn to be more discerning...........and then get lucky by finding that gem.


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## RaisedGarden

jorgegene said:


> your picker needs to get better. you are picking from the bottom of the barrel.
> 
> there are plenty of good women out there, but you're not finding them, so something is wrong. either that, or you are not
> finding out their true selves until it's too late and your already deep in.
> 
> i should talk. i went through a bad relationship myself. what i learned: first appearances can be very deceiving.
> you have to learn to be more discerning...........and then get lucky by finding that gem.


To be honest this latest one isn't the bottom of the barrel. If you pick up the barrel and dig five feet underneath, yeah that's the level we are at. 

As for my BS meter, I thought I was getting better at separating the crazies, but unfortunately circumstances allowed this one keys to the castle before the cracks that appear in the first few months. 

Another point is that I live in an area that most decent women have high 6 figure and 7 figure alternatives to a 40 year old divorcee living in a tiny condo, paying off debts from his previous marriage who is doing well, but not as well as the hedgefund players I see running around town on their 3rd or 4th failing marriage. I can't financially keep up, and to be honest even if I could look right now with this albatross still living at my place, the ones that are out there are either under 30 looking for a sugar daddy(which I am not), or way over 40 and tired with life and not looking for a family. Pickens are slim. Do guys out there find this to be true in their areas as well?


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## Bananapeel

I haven't experienced anything like you. I've personally found it's easy to meet women and I only date women that are younger, hotter, and more successful than my XW. If I go on a date with a woman and I don't think she's got potential for either a short or long term relationship then I just don't ask her out again and move onto the next, and I like each future woman to be better than the last one I dated. I've made myself a great catch and only date women that see that in me, so all of my relationships post-divorce have been very positive ones. 

Now some quick advice. First of all you need to toss her out and for future relationships you need to get the courage to end them when they aren't going the way you want. Also, you have some self esteem issues and that is going to haunt you and make dating very difficult. You need to get into the mindset that you are a catch and that you have an easy time finding great women to date because if you project that then women will notice and find you much more attractive.


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## RaisedGarden

Bananapeel said:


> I haven't experienced anything like you. I've personally found it's easy to meet women and I only date women that are younger, hotter, and more successful than my XW. If I go on a date with a woman and I don't think she's got potential for either a short or long term relationship then I just don't ask her out again and move onto the next, and I like each future woman to be better than the last one I dated. I've made myself a great catch and only date women that see that in me, so all of my relationships post-divorce have been very positive ones.
> 
> Now some quick advice. First of all you need to toss her out and for future relationships you need to get the courage to end them when they aren't going the way you want. Also, you have some self esteem issues and that is going to haunt you and make dating very difficult. You need to get into the mindset that you are a catch and that you have an easy time finding great women to date because if you project that then women will notice and find you much more attractive.


100%, I have asked her to leave multiple times over the last 2 years and it is always some sort of limitation that prevents her moving out(finances, squatter at her place, dog is sick, etc..) God hope she moves soon though and torments some other soul. 

I'm not what you would call a looker. I could be a little thinner, but I'm not a dog either. Problem is that women sniff monetary ability quick and to be honest until I finish paying off the sins of covering my Exwife's life(not exactly easy with the leech living there), I won't get a whole bunch more attractive with debt still stinking on me.

As for younger and more attractive, see in my metropolitan area women make a living out of dating and I am working with what level of woman I can get with the above limitations. To be honest I don't need a 20 or 30 something smoking hot model making bank working on wall street. I would be beyond overjoyed even for the slightly chubby girl next door a couple of years younger looking to make a life and family together. If it doesn't happen soon, I'm afraid it never will. Again the leech is also holding up that as well.


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## Rowan

OP, what is it within you that keeps attracting - and holding on way too long to - crazy women? Are you not seeing the red flags? Are you ignoring the red flags hoping you can change, save, or fix these women? Or do you not have the will extricate yourself even though you do see the red flags? I think it's not so much that there are no good women out there, but that you are attracting - and apparently attracted to and willing to get into relationships with - women who are not good. You need to examine what you're looking for in a woman, and figure out how to not wind up in relationships with unstable, unhealthy, women you don't want. 

Oh, and start by breaking up with your girlfriend and asking her to leave your home. Evict her formally, if that becomes necessary. She's a grown-ass adult. She can find another place to live and start supporting herself. Or, perhaps more likely, she can find another sugar-daddy to take her in and keep her.


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## Ynot

Actually I think you just have a horrible picker. As the previous poster said, you need to do a better job of picking them and being more discerning.
FTR post divorce dating is more difficult than it was pre-divorce in most cases (unless you had a very short marriage) mainly because post divorce we are changed (regardless of what the naysayers may try to tell you). You have been burned in one way or another, and should be a little more cynical (if you have learned anything).
It sounds to me like you didn't take any time to learn from your experience and are now paying the price by going thru hell once again.


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## RaisedGarden

Rowan said:


> OP, what is it within you that keeps attracting - and holding on way too long to - crazy women? Are you not seeing the red flags? Are you ignoring the red flags hoping you can change, save, or fix these women? Or do you not have the will extricate yourself even though you do see the red flags? I think it's not so much that there are no good women out there, but that you are attracting - and apparently attracted to and willing to get into relationships with - women who are not good. You need to examine what you're looking for in a woman, and figure out how to not wind up in relationships with unstable, unhealthy, women you don't want.
> 
> Oh, and start by breaking up with your girlfriend and asking her to leave your home. Evict her formally, if that becomes necessary. She's a grown-ass adult. She can find another place to live and start supporting herself. Or, perhaps more likely, she can find another sugar-daddy to take her in and keep her.


I have started down that road. She unfortunately got help from some legal aid and says if I start the formal eviction process she will dig in and drag it out in the courts at a cost to me. Also she is playing dirty pool and said she will go to women's centers and have charges pressed against me despite the evidence to the contrary and have me removed(side note found out she did this to her ex in a previous relationship). She says she will leave as soon as she "gets a job..."So to put it unpolitely, my balls are in the vice and she has her hands on all the levers. I'm kind of screwed.

As for red flags, yes she had them too late. As for attracting crazies, well I have been to the therapist and unfortunately I feel the need to help everyone. I have been working on that, but unfortunately this time it really screwed me royal. I'm better now than even a few years ago, but like I said this one got in like a ninja, played on my emotions, and now I'm stuck. I understand the need for the laws the way they are, and for groups to help the weak amongst us, especially women, but some know all the right words and know how to play the system like a fiddle. That is where the chips fell here.


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## Ynot

OP, the law of attraction is at play here. You think scarcity and that is what you find. Then you settle for scarcity. As BP said, you need to start considering your self a catch or if you don't feel like a catch make your self one by focusing on your self. Right now today, nothing is stopping you from getting started - go work out if you could stand to lose a few pounds, start looking for a better job if this one isn't working for you, get rid of "leech" if she is holding you back. Ultimately you have total control of your life. The only thing holding you back is you and your scarcity thinking.


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## Diana7

Rowan said:


> OP, what is it within you that keeps attracting - and holding on way too long to - crazy women? Are you not seeing the red flags? Are you ignoring the red flags hoping you can change, save, or fix these women? Or do you not have the will extricate yourself even though you do see the red flags? I think it's not so much that there are no good women out there, but that you are attracting - and apparently attracted to and willing to get into relationships with - women who are not good. You need to examine what you're looking for in a woman, and figure out how to not wind up in relationships with unstable, unhealthy, women you don't want.
> 
> Oh, and start by breaking up with your girlfriend and asking her to leave your home. Evict her formally, if that becomes necessary. She's a grown-ass adult. She can find another place to live and start supporting herself. Or, perhaps more likely, she can find another sugar-daddy to take her in and keep her.


I agree with this. I started dating again about age 47, 4 years after my marriage ended. I met a few nice guys but there was no chemistry and then after 2 years I met my now husband. 
I had strict criteria about the type of man I wanted to meet and marry(not talking about looks or money here) and wasn't interested in short term casual relationships. 
I also had the disadvantage of there being about 3 or 4 women to one man on the sites I went on to(Christian ones) but I wasnt prepared to compromise at all, even if that meant I didn't meet anyone and stayed single. 

Not sure where you are meeting these ladies but something isn't working. You don't seem to be able to see the red flags and issues that these women have all had. Do you think that you are a bit desperate and just want a lady regardless? Otherwise why did you date them all and why haven't you told this lady to leave yet? She is taking advantage of you and you are letting her. 


My advise is not to live with anyone until you are married and know them well.


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## Diana7

RaisedGarden said:


> I have started down that road. She unfortunately got help from some legal aid and says if I start the formal eviction process she will dig in and drag it out in the courts at a cost to me. Also she is playing dirty pool and said she will go to women's centers and have charges pressed against me despite the evidence to the contrary and have me removed(side note found out she did this to her ex in a previous relationship). She says she will leave as soon as she "gets a job..."So to put it unpolitely, my balls are in the vice and she has her hands on all the levers. I'm kind of screwed.
> 
> As for red flags, yes she had them too late. As for attracting crazies, well I have been to the therapist and unfortunately I feel the need to help everyone. I have been working on that, but unfortunately this time it really screwed me royal. I'm better now than even a few years ago, but like I said this one got in like a ninja, played on my emotions, and now I'm stuck. I understand the need for the laws the way they are, and for groups to help the weak amongst us, especially women, but some know all the right words and know how to play the system like a fiddle. That is where the chips fell here.


Have you got any legal advise yet?


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## Bananapeel

You don't think the courts would be suspicious if you filed paperwork to have her evicted and then after dating for years she tries to claim abuse??? They'd see right through that. You can also carry a VAR with you to record the interactions or put up a nanny cam. 

As far as dating goes, I've had an easier time now than when I was young but I've improved myself post divorce to make myself that way. It wasn't by luck or by accident. You should take some time after this relationship is over to work on yourself and make yourself a catch. Don't start dating again for at least 6-12 months while you read self help books, go to the gym, get a new wardrobe/style, and make your career/finances one you'd be proud of. I personally always keep with me a written down description of the man I want to be and what I want to accomplish in my life, and I live every day based on that (you should try this). That has wiped out my complacency and boosted my confidence more than you'd ever imagine, which in turn makes dating very easy. Last weekend I had a hot date that turned out to be mediocre, so I'm not asking the woman out again. It wasn't a big deal at all and I don't feel like I'm missing out on something. Instead I met two other hotter women this week and am finalizing plans with one on Sat and one on Sun this weekend. Hopefully I hit it off with one of them, but if not then I'll find another one. Now take some time to realize that you can have all the same success if you just put in the effort and make changes instead of making excuses for why it won't work.


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## Thor

You need a lawyer to help you get her out. Use a VAR and video cameras within your home to document false allegations.

No matter what, she is never going easy. She'll trash your home, she'll break your stuff. Even if you don't evict her, she's going to go nuts when she leaves.

You really do need a lawyer to help you out. He can advise you on what and how to document everything. If she has no money, and no family with funds to help her out, she's not going to be able to put together any substantive legal challenge. My experience with a crazy landlord was that lawyers quickly figure out when their client is a crazy loser, and they fire the client. Legal aid has limited resources, so they are not going to sink much into her case when they see what's really going on.


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## TAMAT

RG,

Sorry dude, users know how to appear like normal people until it's too late. 

Gosh does this mean we have to polygraph and get character information before we even date these days?

Tamat


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## Openminded

She's not going anywhere. Why would she. 

Once you finally get rid of her -- check with a lawyer to figure out the process -- maybe you need a break from dating for awhile. A long break. You keep picking crazies. Find out why.


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## GusPolinski

Don’t _ask_ her to leave. Tell her to GTFO.


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## Faithful Wife

Are you still having sex with her?


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## Cooper

If someone is living in her old house than the house is livable and she needs to move back! OP you need to force her out immediately, I realize it will be an ugly scene but one day of ugly is better than day after day of misery. Once she's out you will be sorry you waited so long.

Going forward why not just enjoy life as a single man? You're not having very good luck with your woman picker and there's nothing wrong with being single.


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## MovingForward

Dam man feel sorry for you!!!

Sounds like maybe you are lacking in confidence and do not think too highly of yourself, build some self esteem as maybe your picker is going after less desirable because that's all you think you are worth.

Where do you meet these woman?


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## FieryHairedLady

Go get some legal counsel. 

The var and video camera's sound good.

I can't believe she threatened you. 

I would have a var on and bring that up again. Record it.

You are 40, that is cool you are looking for a gal similiar in age. 

But there is a problem.

If you have kids from a previous marriage, and don't necessarily want any more, then great.

But if you want more, or don't have any, then not so great.

If you and a new woman are 40. And you hit it off and take 2 years to let the relationship bloom, etc.

You are looking at a 42 year old woman. 

Now I am 43 and 43 y/o women are awesome! 

But we are talking about child birth, and conception here.

The older women get, the harder time they have conceiving.

Some women are focusing on careers and waiting until mid 30's to try to conceive and are having trouble. Lots of trouble.

My guess is if kids are a top priority for you and in particluar more then one kid, you may need to target women in their early 30's. 

If she is 30 and you take 2 years to court, then marry. She will be 32. If you start trying to conceive right away and she gets pregnant within months, she can deliver at 33. There may be time for one more kiddo after that. Or there may not.

Good luck OP!


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## Ynot

Personally I do not understand why anyone over the age of 40 would be interested in having more children. You would be well into your 60's before you are emancipated from however much responsibility you assume for them. By that time you should be living life for your self and free of the burden of rearing a child.


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## Elizabeth001

Ynot said:


> Personally I do not understand why anyone over the age of 40 would be interested in having more children. You would be well into your 60's before you are emancipated from however much responsibility you assume for them. By that time you should be living life for your self and free of the burden of rearing a child.




Fo shizzle!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61

RaisedGarden said:


> 100%, I have asked her to leave multiple times over the last 2 years and it is always some sort of limitation that prevents her moving out(finances, squatter at her place, dog is sick, etc..) God hope she moves soon though and torments some other soul.
> 
> I'm not what you would call a looker. I could be a little thinner, but I'm not a dog either. Problem is that women sniff monetary ability quick and to be honest until I finish paying off the sins of covering my Exwife's life(not exactly easy with the leech living there), I won't get a whole bunch more attractive with debt still stinking on me.
> 
> As for younger and more attractive, see in my metropolitan area women make a living out of dating and I am working with what level of woman I can get with the above limitations. To be honest I don't need a 20 or 30 something smoking hot model making bank working on wall street. I would be beyond overjoyed even for the slightly chubby girl next door a couple of years younger looking to make a life and family together. If it doesn't happen soon, I'm afraid it never will. Again the leech is also holding up that as well.



look if she does not move out then STOP SPENDING MONEY ON HER!!!! stop it


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## Bobby5000

Don't know who's right; do know that you seem very angry and it isn't working for you, ("money leech" is not equivalent to cute blonde). Try to nicely ask her to leave, and even if it costs a little money try to get her out of your life amicably; if that does not work, check with a lawyer and you will have to serve a notice of eviction. Note the obvious, no matter what happens (comments about doing other guys, alleged inadequacies of your lovemaking, ) do not hit her.


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## Chuck71

Saw your post on Moving Forward's thread. Wow.... your story was brutal. Really hoped things had 

improved for you. Well.... least you hadn't M her. Is all of her stuff with you? Did she ever sign any 

type of lease with you (yeah 99.9% unlikely but I still ask)? Did she ever pay rent / mortgage

from her account? If her place is livable (yes), wait until she leaves for class or whatever, have a UHaul,

take her crap to her place.... and leave it. Take the sick puppy to the vet and pay for one nigh boarding,

email her its location. Change the locks. And go to the police.... file DV charges. Have an OoP issued.

Then.... breath a sigh of relief.... and for God's sake fix your damn picker.

Oh.... she may try and take you to court. So....? I can take you to court for anything and claim

I know you...... all you have to do is show up and it's thrown out. Will she take you to court?

I seriously......seriously doubt it. She threatened you..... call her bluff.


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## Marc878

She's not paying rent so have the cops come by and escort her out.

You are only in this because you've allowed it.


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## Livvie

I think your focus on finding someone to have a family with is getting in your way. The majority of women your own age may be too old for that (as other posters have pointed out) and with a clock ticking down for women your age, it forces both of you to move too fast. 

So, focusing on women younger than yourself may pose a problem as well, as it limits your dating pool, and you say you are having a hard time finding a match in your area to begin with. 

If you are 40 and don't already have children, it must not have been a priority to you before, or you'd have had them by now, sometime in the last 15 years or so. Sometimes it really is too late to have both children and a perfect-for- you life partner, just like it is for women. Why don't you focus on finding a great life partner instead? And if future children happen to come along with that, great.


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## BobSimmons

jorgegene said:


> your picker needs to get better. you are picking from the bottom of the barrel.
> 
> there are plenty of good women out there, but you're not finding them, so something is wrong. either that, or you are not
> finding out their true selves until it's too late and your already deep in.
> 
> i should talk. i went through a bad relationship myself. what i learned: first appearances can be very deceiving.
> you have to learn to be more discerning...........and then get lucky by finding that gem.


Exactly this.

It may be harsh but you are the problem. It's not bad luck, it's your choice of women, even now with all the stuff she's doing.

I'm not going to be one of the folks saying I feel sorry for you.

Stop moaning and do something about it.


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## chillymorn69

Another nice thinking with the wrong head.

Get out of this asap!


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