# Dealing with a kiss.. and then some..



## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

I'm still trying to figure out how to put all this into words and I can't say I understand it fully, but let's try. Sorry if this is all over the place and scrambeld.

My SO of 4.5 years kissed another man, according to her he kissed her but she didn't brake it off.
She felt terrible after and they talked about it, she tells me it was a mistake.

How do I know about this?

I found a text from the OM on her phone one day. He told her that he had feelings for her. I asked her about it and she told me about the kiss and that she does not have feelings for him and that nothing else happened.

Ok, not that big of a thing, right? How do they even know each other?

My SO moved to another city recently to study. The OM and my SO got in touch via a mutual friend. I was actualy happy for her because meeting new friends in a new city can be hard. I know she had told him that she was in a relationship and I trusted her.
She had trouble finding some place to live. The OM already had a couple of flatmates that were going to move out so he offered her a room when it would become available.

So how and when was DDay?

I don't actually know how and when it happened. I know that she was distant for a few weeks, didn't respond regularly to texts, claimed she was very busy with uni. They were hanging out watching a movie when he kissed her. Two weeks later I found the text and she told me.

Ok what's the problem?

I actually believe her that she made a mistake and that she does not have feelings for him. BUT she did not cut contact with him. AND she actually moved into one of the rooms he offered. I get that they arranged for that before the kiss happened and that it is really hard to find a place to stay in that city, but still?!

So now I'm in a very weird place. I believe that she wants to move on with me and not with him and I want to give that a chance but EVERYTHING reminds me of the fact that he is there and that it happened! Even worse is the fact that she is actually really busy with uni and doesn't have the time and place of mind to deal with it the way I would like to. Plus there is the long distance aspect.

What do I do? Trust it was just a mistake and try to move on and hope that time will make it easier? Demand they brake all contact and she finds a new place to live?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Let's see. Dating for 4.5 years, GF moves to another city, and now it's turned into a LDR. GF kisses an old friend in a different city, she's been distant the past couple of weeks and is now moving in with him albeit in a separate room. 

Sounds like OP needs to dump this woman and move on. And...don't look back.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Let's see. Dating for 4.5 years, GF moves to another city, and now it's turned into a LDR. GF kisses an old friend in a different city, she's been distant the past couple of weeks and is now moving in with him albeit in a separate room.
> 
> Sounds like OP needs to dump this woman and move on. And...don't look back.


It's too late for his taking an effective split. She's way ahead of him.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Save your self a lot of heartache and go out tonight with your friends and have a great night

Send her a text and say you have been thinking about the situation and now hope the best for her and her new BF

You may probably regret any other decision in a few months time


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

I would follow the advice and move on. You're both still young and it's clear she's not done playing around; she's not serious relationship material at this moment.

- She confessed only after you caught her.
- She was distant and not answering text, claimed she was busy with uni, but she was in fact going to the movies with him.
- She lives in the same house with him, he has feelings for her, she didn't stop him when he kissed her. What do you think it's going to happen in the next few months?

Listen to G.J., save yourself a lot of heartache.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

fdup said:


> I'm still trying to figure out how to put all this into words and I can't say I understand it fully, but let's try. Sorry if this is all over the place and scrambeld.
> 
> My SO of 4.5 years kissed another man, according to her he kissed her but she didn't brake it off.
> She felt terrible after and they talked about it, she tells me it was a mistake.
> ...


Third option -- dump her, cut contact, and move on.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Look at it this way. If she really regretted it, she would not have moved in with him as 'roommates' bc no one in their right mind would do something that would be considered a threat to the relationship. And it was most likely more than a kiss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

And now the texts and phone conversations between the two have stopped because they don't need to do these anymore when they are living together, so you may never find the smoking gun truth as there is no trail of it (face to face meetings in the same living quarters leave no trails).


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Meaning if I had kissed a guy and regretted it, I would want to stay as far away from the guy and do damage control- do what it takes to salvage the relationship. Moving in with the guy and being too 'busy' to talk in depth with you about it is the opposite. Let me get this right. She has time to sit and watch a movie but no time to talk? She has moved on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The kiss helped get her a discount on the rent. No emotions were involved. It was just a business decision.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

OP: our very own Plan 9 is actually speaking in YOUR favor. That's a very rare natural phenomena like the passing of Halley or rainbow around polar regions. 

Take his advice and run like hell.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would she like it if the roles were reversed?

Why do you believe that only a kiss has happened?

Have her get another place and have her give you the results of her std tests.

Otherwise, you need to cut your losses.

She needs to make a choice, cut him out of her life, or you.


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> The kiss helped get her a discount on the rent. No emotions were involved. It was just a business decision.


+1 
So you can imagine what a f&@k would get her, she probably likes living rent free!!!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

fdup said:


> I don't actually know how and when it happened.


 Not only do you not "know how and when it happened" you also do not know what happened. She was not planning to tell you anything until you found the text. When you found the text she had to tell you something happened, but based on the fact that she was hiding her cheating from you already, it is unreasonable to believe that she would admit to anything more than kissing if you had no proof to make her have to admit more.



fdup said:


> I know that she was distant for a few weeks, didn't respond regularly to texts, claimed she was very busy with uni. They were hanging out watching a movie when he kissed her. Two weeks later I found the text and she told me.


 She was distant and did not have time for you because she was spending much of her free time hanging out with the other man (OM). You are no longer her priority relationship, the OM is pure and simple. 



fdup said:


> I actually believe her that she made a mistake and that she does not have feelings for him. BUT she did not cut contact with him. AND she actually moved into one of the rooms he offered. I get that they arranged for that before the kiss happened and that it is really hard to find a place to stay in that city, but still?!


 Why would you believe that she does not have feelings for the OM when her actions clearly say otherwise? She has probably already done more than just kiss the OM. She moved in with him and will live with the OM for a long time. If she has not already had sex with the OM, she is giving him the time and every possible opportunity to win her over to having sex with him, with you sitting back home being played the fool. I would tell you to end your exclusive relationship with her, but in truth she is already ending her exclusive relationship with you, and is just keeping you in the dark as a backup plan as she explores this new relationship with the OM. 

Prior to finding the text, your gut told you that your relationship with her had changed as "she was distant for a few weeks, didn't respond regularly to texts". The change was that you were no longer in an exclusive relationship with her. She knows it, the OM knows it, and the only one that has not fully caught on is you. I am very sorry for your lose.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Send her a text saying "we're done" then go out to the pub with some friends, pick up a girl or two and get laid. Enjoy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in big time denial.
If the roles were reversed she would not accept it and neither should you.
She is playing you for a fool.
If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

They banged...Sorry dude,dump her and move on...

Good Luck


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LDR's rarely work.

So be a big boy and let her go.

That way she can be the tart that she has already been.

She no longer has to lie to you. Because she did and was not forthcoming until you caught her.

So "Let Her Go!".

And enjoy your life. If your relationship was meant to be she will come back.

You deserve better.

HM


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She dumped you. Grow a pair. Read MMSLP.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Agree with what is being said. She is very obviously physically cheating and you would know nothing if she hadn't been caught. Now she is moving in with the guy she cheated with. Slvts are a dime a dozen and easily replaced. That is all she is.

Don't put a cheap woman on a pedestal. Go get another one, you have a dime right? Better yet, find a lady. A woman with character who won't spread for a POS when out of your sight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

In college my girlfriend's best friend went with one of my apartment roommates. He decided to go to a different college but they didn't break up. She had her own house but spent most of her time at another mans apt. while Jack was at the other college. She loved to party and even had a three way(she told my girlfriend everything) with her local boyfriend and his roommate. Last I heard, her and Jack had a house full of kids after he graduated and they are still together.

She may have no intention of dumping you if she's found her current "roommate" lacking your qualities.

How often do you actually see each other?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

fdup said:


> Even worse is the fact that she is actually really busy with uni and doesn't have the time and place of mind to deal with it the way I would like to.


She also too busy to deal with the emotions of dumping you right now. Let’s say that after several years of living with the OM she picks you and comes home. Would you want her at that point?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> In college my girlfriend's best friend went with one of my apartment roommates. He decided to go to a different college but they didn't break up. She had her own house but spent most of her time at another mans apt. while Jack was at the other college. She loved to party and even had a three way(she told my girlfriend everything) with her local boyfriend and his roommate. Last I heard, her and Jack had a house full of kids after he graduated and they are still together.
> 
> She may have no intention of dumping you if she's found her current "roommate" lacking your qualities.
> 
> How often do you actually see each other?


Was Jack cool being a cuckold? Are you advising OP to be one? Did Jack cheat on his slvt girlfriend too? I can't stop.... Is Jack even raising his own children? 

When Jack was in town, did he play clean up boy for all the other men using his woman for a sperm donation center?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Was Jack cool being a cuckold? Are you advising OP to be one? Did Jack cheat on his slvt girlfriend too? I can't stop.... Is Jack even raising his own children?
> 
> When Jack was in town, did he play clean up boy for all the other men using his woman for a sperm donation center?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


these were my thoughts and questions too


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I'm beginning to think that our OP is a "one and done." I hope he can get some closure to this situation. If his SO is still hanging around this OM, then I'm afraid it's pretty hopeless. Good luck, buddy, wherever you are right now!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Was Jack cool being a cuckold? Are you advising OP to be one? Did Jack cheat on his slvt girlfriend too? I can't stop.... Is Jack even raising his own children?
> 
> When Jack was in town, did he play clean up boy for all the other men using his woman for a sperm donation center?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know the answer to any of those questions. We were only room mates for one semester and we really didn't associate after that. I didn't know they married and had a family until many years later. When my girlfriend and I broke up I lost complete touch since we lived a hundred miles apart.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

Hey guys, OP here.
Thanks for reading through my mess and for your various replies. Your opinions seem quite unanimous but I would like to provide some more aspects.

The picture I've painted probably seems very black and white and fairly obvious, but reality doesn't seem like that to me.
You probably think I'm blind but I'm inclined to believe her when she says that the kiss meant nothing and there is nothing more to it. I have been with this woman for over 4 years, she broke my trust this time, but she has always been honest (except about telling me about it, but I even get her point in this regard). In 4 years this is the first incident and it happened in a really tough time (which is no excuse, I get that).

I have been in her situation, I have cheated in a previous relationship (and was forgiven) and I will never do it again. So why should I be so quick to dismiss her? 
Her point of view: he kissed her, she told him immediatly after that it was stupid and will never happen again (which they agreed upon). She didn't tell me right away because she knew it would hurt me alot and endanger our relationship even though it meant absolutely nothing to her and will never happen again.
Her being distant comes down her brooding about an ongoing problem that we had a pretty big fight about.

I realize that the situation seems bad, very bad, and it is! With her living there and everything.
We talked again today. She told me that she put up clear boundries with the OM and that their relationship has become superficial. Finding a new place to live in this city is damn near impossible, trust me on that.

In my point of view it boils down to this:
I can trust that it was a mistake that won't happen again and we can figure out how to go on from there. Or I can break it off now to prevent pain down the road in case I misjudge the situation.
We realize that it can go one way or the other at the moment but we are trying to figure out if we can go on or not.

Maybe none of this makes sense from an outside perspective, but in my frame of reference it actually does. Don't get me wrong, I realize that there is a good chance that we will not be able to make it work in the long run, but I don't want to make that decision lightly.

Now, any advice on how to deal with the situation besides breaking up?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, no I'm not advising him to be cool with the situation. I would advise him to break up with her or at minimum she has to immediately move out. I was just pointing out in her mind, she might be fine with having two men for the time being and she may not want to break up after getting to know her roommate. She may just like some side action.

OP hasn't explained her excuse for living with a man she "only kissed."


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thummper said:


> I'm beginning to think that our OP is a "one and done." I hope he can get some closure to this situation. If his SO is still hanging around this OM, then I'm afraid it's pretty hopeless. Good luck, buddy, wherever you are right now!


 He came here hoping that some of us, even a small minority of us, would say that she was not cheating on him so that he could hang his hat on that. Instead we all told him the truth that he already knew in his gut, but was denying to himself. The reality of it all must be hurting him deeply. I wish him luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

fdup said:


> Hey guys, OP here.
> Thanks for reading through my mess and for your various replies. Your opinions seem quite unanimous but I would like to provide some more aspects.
> 
> The picture I've painted probably seems very black and white and fairly obvious, but reality doesn't seem like that to me.
> ...


Yes but it depends on you being able to get to her place. Buy a sony var, about sixty dollars and lithium batteries. leave the var hidden in her place and pick it up later. You will then be assured you are doing the right thing by hanging on. The var is small and easy to hide.

The problem is if she is cheating she will lie, that's universal. You know she got herself in a bad position once, how did she explain that?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TRy said:


> He came here hoping that some of us, even a small minority of us, would say that she was not cheating on him so that he could hang his hat on that. Instead we all told him the truth that he already knew in his gut, but was denying to himself. The reality of it all must be hurting him deeply. I wish him luck.


She may not be, but his gut is telling him one thing and there is no cure for that letting things play out as they are now. His imagination will take care of the rest without proof.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> You know she got herself in a bad position once, how did she explain that?


Well the way she describes it:
We had a big fight about an ongoing problem which led to her not having her guard up as much. Why he did what he did I don't know, obviously he is attracted to her. She says he smoked a good amount that evening..

"We had a fight" is no excuse for cheating, but let's face that it's a factor in these situations, it was for me once..



Chaparral said:


> Yes but it depends on you being able to get to her place. Buy a sony var, about sixty dollars and lithium batteries. leave the var hidden in her place and pick it up later. You will then be assured you are doing the right thing by hanging on. The var is small and easy to hide.


So flat out spy on her? I think that will create more problems in the long run and doesn't seem like a good start to rebuild the trust.



Chaparral said:


> She may not be, but his gut is telling him one thing and there is no cure for that letting things play out as they are now. His imagination will take care of the rest without proof.


Yes, excactly.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

There are none so blind as those who will not see.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

fdup said:


> Her being distant comes down her brooding about an ongoing problem that we had a pretty big fight about.
> 
> I realize that the situation seems bad, very bad, and it is! With her living there and everything.
> We talked again today. She told me that she put up clear boundries with the OM and that their relationship has become superficial. Finding a new place to live in this city is damn near impossible, trust me on that.


 Her being distant and the timing of other man (OM) that she now lives with making a move on her was not a coincidence. By being so close with her he was able to know that the two of you were having issues, so he knew it was a good time to try to swoop in. Maybe it did not fully work for him this time or maybe it did, she would not tell you the truth if it went farther than kissing; that is just the nature of what most cheaters do when they cheat. But she is already so close to him that she talked the situation out only with him while keeping it a secret from you, and then moved in with him.

If you look at any of the many sites on how to steal another man's woman, the advice always given is to get close to them claiming an interest in a platonic relationship, and then use that relationship to let her vent about her man. One site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”, says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship.” This and other such sites tell you that no one is perfect so that no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. For example, one site said "Cause/encourage the breakup. If you followed earlier steps, she should talk to you about the mistakes”, and continues with “If it's serious, let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her". Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in.” The other man (OM) followed this script which set up the kiss. With her now living with him, he will certainly have the opportunity to take other shots. As a human, you can never be perfect, but that is what it will take for your relationship to continue long term if she continues to live with a man that is interested in her. It does not matter if she really has other living options or not, as it is what it is.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm out bro. Even if they just kissed, you are out of your minds to think it is ok for her to live with a man that she DID cheat with.

There are far too many, thousands, of cases that show that she needs to have no contact with the person she crossed the line with.

She screwed it up, she can't be in contact with this guy if you two really want a future with each other. How would she feel if you cheated on her and moved in with the woman you betrayed her with?

If you want to work through this, she needs to move and I would get face to face with the POS that took liberties with my woman. I would let him know he endangered his health by pursuing my lady.

Ignore the "no contact" rule at your own peril. Your relationship will more than likely fail if you two don't heed this advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

fdup said:


> Now, any advice on how to deal with the situation besides breaking up?



Sorry, I don't have any good advice because it's a crappy situation, given the blatant red flags. Women don't kiss men (assuming the highly unlikely event it was limited to just a kiss) unless they are attracted. Attraction + proximity + anonymity = eventual sex.

As you pointed out, all you can do is trust her. But she's already proven unworthy of that trust. And don't kid yourself, no matter how you spin it, it's starkly clear what's going on. Trickle truthing upon discovery is a pillar of the cheaters script.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

fdup said:


> Hey guys, OP here.
> Thanks for reading through my mess and for your various replies. Your opinions seem quite unanimous but I would like to provide some more aspects.
> 
> The picture I've painted probably seems very black and white and fairly obvious, but reality doesn't seem like that to me.
> ...


Look, you want to believe fairy tales, you have a right to do so, but as you ask for advice I have to tell you what I think is the truth.
Again, she wants to fool around. You must both be very Young, there's nothing wrong with not being ready for a serious relationship.

The only way you can deal with this is that she finds different living arrangements, regardless of the difficulty.
Your GF living with some other guy is already a problem by itself, if they are attracted to each other (they at least kissed, so they are, no matter what she says) and already went physical it becomes completely unacceptable, in my book.

But if you're happy with it, go ahead


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

A real man does not deal with this Sh!t. She has sh!t tested you and you failed. She's moved on. Just playing you. 

Wake up. Grow up. Man up. 

Be a man. You won't have these issues. Betas do. This is what's called beta orbiting. He took her and you're still pining for the good old days. 

If you were married, she'd do the same. You have a lot to learn. Read MMSLP for starters...

*vomit*


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

fdup said:


> "We had a fight" is no excuse for cheating, but let's face that it's a factor in these situations


 Yes the two of you having a fight is "a factor in these situations", and since in all relationships there will be some fighting, the two of you will fight again. And lets face it, with the other man (OM) living with your girl friend and having home court advantage, the OM will know about the fight and will once again try to exploit the situation.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Please download the two books linked to below. I don't know if they can be downloaded at B&N but they can at amazon.

Re the var. You will be the husband, head of the household. Your number one priority is to protect your family. Everything else is secondary. This is a trial period in your lives. You have to use whatever tools you have to.

The fact is, verifying her honesty with a var is nowhere near equal to how bad kissing another man is. If she feels like you should trust her at this point she is badly mistaken and delusional.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Just curious, fdup. You say she went to another city to study. Are there no colleges or universities anywhere near where you were living? :scratchhead: Why go somewhere else where she could be exposed to continual opportunities to cheat with this other guy? Since he's already admitted that he has "feelings" for her (no doubt those "feelings" are centered somewhere near the junction of his legs and torso), my guess is he's just lying low, biding his time, taking things VERY slowly and waiting for just the right moment to push this further with her. Her staying with him in a supposed platonic relationship is just asking for trouble in the future. I don't think that he's giving up his desire to bed your SO. Hope I'm wrong, but any time people of the opposite sex share living quarters, temptation will ALWAYS eventually raise its ugly head. I wish you well, but I'm guessing she'll cave sooner or later.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

You're a young guy I guess. It's ok, let it be. Gently move on and go live your live. Have fun, meet other good (and bad) girls. When it's mend to be with this girl, you two will be close again. But from what you are telling us now, very little chance. Make a decision and stick with it. Good luck.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

Me again.. Thanks for the replies!

I hear you guys and I see your points. The odds are horrible here and I have no illusions about that. I have never been in a situation like this. I have never been in a relationship that long and serious. So I'm still trying to make sense of it.

Because it came up a couple of times I'm 28 she is 24.
The degree program (not sure it's the right word, german/english language barrier here) she is interested in is not available in our city, that's why she moved.

You all raise valid concerns. One thing I didn't really consider yet is the OM's agenda. Even if she is telling the thruth, he will still be there. I don't know the guy, but clearly for him there is more to it then friendship, which she just seems to dismiss as in "we talked about it, he accepted it."
I wish I could make her see that this will be a problem in the future.
I told her that it would be near impossible with the OM there. But for here the situation with him is clear and not a threat to the relationship anymore.

Yeah, seems pretty clear doesn't it.. :/


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> The 2 important things to consider looking back and moving forward.
> 
> Discretion and Integrity
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

fdup said:


> Me again.. Thanks for the replies!
> 
> I hear you guys and I see your points. The odds are horrible here and I have no illusions about that. I have never been in a situation like this. I have never been in a relationship that long and serious. So I'm still trying to make sense of it.
> 
> ...


One thing we need to know is how often do you see her? Does she come to see you? What happens when you meet?

This is important to know. If you only see her once a term, leaving her alone with the other man for weeks, there may be trouble ahead.

I'm not (yet) part of the wolf pack. You may be right about her and her reactions. The troublesome part for me isn't what might have happened, but what will happen.

The two of them clearly spend time together. There's no way to avoid it. I assume that the other man is about the same age as her. Unless he has a girlfriend of his own (does he?) he's going to get horny. Unless you two get together often, she'll get horny too. That's when things, even innocent things, get dicey.

I'd appreciate it if you could answer the questions above. They will, I think, help all of us here.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

There are all kinds of kisses, from a simple peck on the cheek to a "stick my tongue down your throat". Which did she indulge in? So far the only kissing she's doing is to your @ss.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> One thing we need to know is how often do you see her? Does she come to see you? What happens when you meet?


She comes back to our city every weekend or every other, depending on the workload at her uni.
Well, we spend as much time together as possible. No sex lately though. Meeting has been a little weird, seems we are very careful with each other. Try not to upset each other if that makes sense.



sidney2718 said:


> Unless he has a girlfriend of his own (does he?) he's going to get horny


As far as I know he doesn't. She told me he is still pretty messed up about his last relationship.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She's planning on doing two guys. You and Mr. Messed Up About It. 

For him, sympathy, adventure and real fun. For you, to keep you around as Plan B. Meaning if OM dumps her skank arse. Otherwise she's his.

Get STD tested and next her. Go date some hot babes after you've read those books.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

1. Frankly, at that age, temptation might play a role even if the intentions were good. I assume that they are the only two persons living in that house. If that's the case I wouldn't be comfortable with that arrangement, anyway.

2. There is ample evidence that they do spend a lot of time together, she knows a lot of things about him, his sentimental situations and things like that.

3. Even taking the stance that their relationship has never been sexual, the guy quite obviously wants to bang her. He kissed her and texted her to let her know he has feelings for her. Living in the same house and spending so much time together he's going to try and try and try again.

4. I think that she's not naive, knows what she's doing and wants to fool around, but even if I'm wrong and she told you what she really thinks, she's attracted to the guy, or she wouldn't have accepted the kiss. What do you think will happen living together with him hitting on her night and day, every day?

5. She's not oblivious to all of the above. She knows that too, yet she's moving in with him anyway. This is an obvious disrespect of you, your feelings and the relationship IMO.

6. All that said, frankly I think she's cheating on you, sorry to tell you this, but given the info you gave us, that's the most logical assumption IMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Send her an email saying that you might have a job opportunity in her city.

Ask her if she could look for a home for both of you. 

And see what her reaction is.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

fdup said:


> You all raise valid concerns. One thing I didn't really consider yet is the OM's agenda. Even if she is telling the thruth, he will still be there.



LDRs are tough even under ideal conditions and you're flying blind at a critical juncture. Not every relationship needs mate guarding 24/7 but even the best may need a bit of "focused attention" now and then. 

There is a saying around here. Trust but verify. Coincidentally, when you most need to verify, that option has been taken away from you. The cynic in me wants to say that's by design. Regardless, to paraphrase another poster from another recent thread: "You can't **** block if you ain't there."

Edit: Just saw the part where you don't see each other for two weeks and still no sex. Stick a fork in it. I don't think you can assume good intentions from her any longer.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

fdup said:


> Hey guys, OP here.
> 
> Thanks for reading through my mess and for your various replies. Your opinions seem quite unanimous but I would like to provide some more aspects.
> 
> ...





fdup said:


> Well the way she describes it:
> We had a big fight about an ongoing problem which led to her not having her guard up as much. Why he did what he did I don't know, obviously he is attracted to her. She says he smoked a good amount that evening..
> 
> "We had a fight" is no excuse for cheating, but let's face that it's a factor in these situations, it was for me once..





fdup said:


> Me again.. Thanks for the replies!
> 
> I hear you guys and I see your points. The odds are horrible here and I have no illusions about that. I have never been in a situation like this. I have never been in a relationship that long and serious. So I'm still trying to make sense of it.
> 
> ...





fdup said:


> *She comes back to our city every weekend or every other, depending on the workload at her uni.
> Well, we spend as much time together as possible. No sex lately though. Meeting has been a little weird, seems we are very careful with each other. Try not to upset each other if that makes sense.*
> 
> As far as I know he doesn't. She told me he is still pretty messed up about his last relationship.


You poor, naive fool.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

I have not read what the other posters said because I know they are all dump her posts. Or mostly anyways.

Personally, I would go to where she is living and have a chat with the guy.

I would tell him that you do not appreciate him making a move on your woman and that you expect that he respect that **** in the future.

I would also tell her that you are not too happy that she put herself in such a situation and that you expect it to not happen again.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

fdup said:


> She comes back to our city every weekend or every other, depending on the workload at her uni.
> Well, we spend as much time together as possible. *No sex lately though.* Meeting has been a little weird, seems we are very careful with each other. Try not to upset each other if that makes sense.
> 
> 
> As far as I know he doesn't. She told me he is still pretty messed up about his last relationship.


So she hardly gets to see you but doesn't do you when she has the chance. That shows she can be faithful to the man she loves. Too bad it's not you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

fdup said:


> She comes back to our city every weekend or every other, depending on the workload at her uni.
> Well, we spend as much time together as possible. No sex lately though. Meeting has been a little weird, seems we are very careful with each other. Try not to upset each other if that makes sense.
> 
> 
> As far as I know he doesn't. She told me he is still pretty messed up about his last relationship.


Wait a minute, you don't see her that much and you don't have sex when you do? Which one of you had this terrible idea. Cutting off sex is the biggest red flag of them all.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You really have no idea what going on in the other town except what she has told you. Quit trying to fix her and just move on with life, it is too precious to waste on someone who is unfaithful. There are plenty of woman who would value a relationship with you and remain faithful.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I was just pointing out in her mind, she might be fine with having two men for the time being and she may not want to break up after getting to know her roommate. She may just like some side action.
> 
> *Have a steady guy in each city then pick the one she wants upon graduation. *
> 
> ...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

fdup said:


> She comes back to our city every weekend or every other, depending on the workload at her uni.
> Well, we spend as much time together as possible. No sex lately though. Meeting has been a little weird, seems we are very careful with each other. Try not to upset each other if that makes sense.


 It makes perfect sense for someone that is cheating, especially the "No sex lately" part.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: You say that she says that she has to live with this other man (OM) because she has nowhere else that she can live. Do you really believe that if this OM did not ask her to move in with him that she would have dropped out of school and returned home because she could not have found anywhere else to live? Well I do not believe that. She would have done what everyone else that goes to her school (that does not live with this OM) did, and somehow found somewhere else to stay. The truth is that she chose living with this OM because, without factoring your feelings in, she viewed it as her best option. The other options may not have been as nice, but there were other options. I doubt very much that the school lost any students due to a lack of housing.

To see how she will react, tell her that you are looking for a job in her area, and that once you relocate she can move in with you. If she is anything but immediately excited and happy to hear this news, if she give you any push back at all as to why this would not work, you will have your answer. BTW, is there any reason that you could not move to her city?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If she will not move out of his place, time for you to wake up.

They did more than kiss. She is putting you in a friend zone. 

by the time they spend 300 hours together, they will have a PA.

So she still lives with him. time to break up because you do not want to get stds from her and her OM.

Find someone new in your town. The long distance is not working and will not unless she goes NC with the OM. How can she go NC if she lives with him.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

:iagree:
Excellent idea! You're not married, OP. Count this experience as a lesson well learned and find someone who'll be faithful without moving in with some other guy. Can't find anywhere else to live?! What a crock. And you're just going to let her keep playing you. Not having sex with you when you two have a chance is a HUGE red flag. She's remaining faithful to the OM, and don't you doubt it. Send her an e-mail, tell her it's over, and tell her you hope she's happy with the new man. Sorry.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Look at it this way. She's not into LDR. And she isn't doing an LDR. Shes got someone local, dude. 

You're the only one doing an LDR. It's one way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The one thing that makes it look a little better is that she is still coming home almost every weekend. I would think she would not do that if she was cheating. I mean, why wouldn't she make up excuses to stay there or just break up with you.

Either stop the no sex routine or dump her. See if she can stomach having sex with you.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She moved in with him! Do you really think that he's not plotting and hitting on her every chance he get's?...

So, what does it cost her a month for rent? I'd want to see those cashed checks for her rent, 'cause I'm guessing she's not paying, at least some of it in dollars and cents...

Hey, I guess it all boils down to what you can live with, right...


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> The one thing that makes it look a little better is that she is still coming home almost every weekend. I would think she would not do that if she was cheating. I mean, why wouldn't she make up excuses to stay there or just break up with you.
> 
> Either stop the no sex routine or dump her. See if she can stomach having sex with you.


And use condoms.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> And use condoms.


Why... She's not. Just dump her before you catch something.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, on your head so be it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

True. If you get in his space and stare him down, there should be some ccck blocking effect.

You don't to have a long conversation with him. Stand up straight look him in the eye so that he knows that you know and he should feel anxiety. His lizard brain should perceive you as dangerous.

Your girlfriends conversations with OM about his previous relationships are inappropriate on her side. 

Can a woman stray and return to her man? Sure. But if it is easily accepted by you, a repeat performance will be more likely.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

I've read through your replies, thanks again.

Regarding the sex thing.
She has always had a lower sex drive than me and can't get in the mood/relax when she has a lot on her mind so it doesn't strike me as unusual that we are not having sex atm. That's also the reason I don't believe she woud just have sex with someone else. Now of course I could be wrong about this but I seriously doubt it.

The living situation thing.
She agreed to take one of his rooms before the kiss happened so she stopped looking for a new place. She would have moved in there even if the kiss didn't happen.
She currently shares the room she lives in with another (girl)friend. And there is another woman living in the apartement.
I agree that moving out would be good but it's not going to happen over night.
Until she moved into his place, she lived in another sh!t place every month so she is kind of relieved to have a place she feels comfortable in, a part of town that isn't over an hour away from uni and so on.
People in this city will not rent to students due to no fixed income (they tried that), for every room in a shared flat there are 80 "applicants" or more (they tried that as well).

I could force her to move out sure, but that would mean forcing her back to the miserable state of not knowing where to live the next month.
Like I said, her moving would be great but at the same time I still care about her and am not a monster (stupid me you're going to say, right?)..

The living in her city thing.
I'm attending uni myself so moving is not an option yet. But I will try asking her what she would think about getting a place together there in the future.

The OM thing.
Man I would like to smush his f*cking smug face so much. I don't know why she doesn't seem him as a possible threat anymore. I guess she won't cut ties with him because he was the first friend she made in the new city and he is the main part of her social group at the moment.


At the moment I'm really leaning towards breaking it off, LDR with this on top and all.. But at the same time I can't silence the voice in my head saying "but what if.." over and over. Man it's so f*cked up..


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

what do your guts tell you?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

fdup said:


> She comes back to our city every weekend or every other, depending on the workload at her uni.
> Well, we spend as much time together as possible. No sex lately though. Meeting has been a little weird, seems we are very careful with each other. Try not to upset each other if that makes sense.
> 
> 
> As far as I know he doesn't. She told me he is still pretty messed up about his last relationship.


You are in denial to the extent of their relationship..


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

OP

This sounds like a recipe for a lot of pain on your part. I don't see you ever being happy with your present situation. You don't seem strong enough to cut your losses just yet but a few more trips on the pain train will change that. Sorry you are here.

All the Best
BP


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

fdup said:


> Regarding the sex thing.
> She has always had a lower sex drive than me and can't get in the mood/relax when she has a lot on her mind so it doesn't strike me as unusual that we are not having sex atm. That's also the reason I don't believe she woud just have sex with someone else. Now of course I could be wrong about this but I seriously doubt it.
> 
> The OM thing.
> Man I would like to smush his f*cking smug face so much. I don't know why she doesn't seem him as a possible threat anymore. I guess she won't cut ties with him because he was the first friend she made in the new city and he is the main part of her social group at the moment.



I'm sorry but there are so many things in this last post that strike me as naive.

Regarding the sex thing:
With the right partner any woman can be turned on and have an increased sex drive.

The OM thing:
If that is indeed the case that she won't cut out a friend that is toxic to the relationship, then you don't mean a whole lot. IMO she isn't doing what she needs to fix what happened. The lack of sex is a really bad sign. The reason why many LTRs don't work is because of the lack of physical connection. Sex is important to a relationship. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Self confidence is a major factor. You can scare off OM but if your GF perceives you as having lost your right to her, then that may be the kiss of death to your relationship.

Her desire for you is very important. If she doesn't want you, isn't trying to secure you at this critical time, then her emotional commitment is wavering.

Given that there are so many women sharing the apartment, if you make your presence known it will certainly make things more complicated for GF and OM to get it on. Are you FB friends with her GF and the other woman?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

So now the guy has a harem...

Agree to move in and THEN prepping her with a kiss. This just don't smell right to me. OP, at the very least she has poor judgement. Why on earth do you want this relationship. Is she your first actual GF?

You're certainly not telling us something. -- Or your beta is solidly embedded in your skull. 

Have you read the book Married Man Sex Life Primer? May as well get Mindful Attraction Plan too.

Read these and you will know what to do. Take the red pill, dude. Wake up.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Some wisdom needs to be lived. Stay with her and you shall be schooled.

At least you'll have a better idea what you'll need to do if this should happen again, in a future relationship.

I don't need GPS to know where this relationship is headed(or has been). She's been mapping a course out of your relationship for a while now. To new and exciting places. It's just a matter of time before she stops sending post cards(weekend visits).

I wish you lots of luck. You're gonna need it...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

fdup said:


> Regarding the sex thing.
> She has always had a lower sex drive than me and can't get in the mood/relax when she has a lot on her mind so it doesn't strike me as unusual that we are not having sex atm. That's also the reason I don't believe she woud just have sex with someone else. Now of course I could be wrong about this but I seriously doubt it.


 If you said that she did not want to have sex with you on a particular day for those reasons that would be one thing, but you saying that you "are not having sex atm" is a totally different thing because it is saying that she has shut you down for sex. Even if she is not having sex with the other man (OM), you are at best on equal footings with her as the OM.



fdup said:


> I guess she won't cut ties with him because he was the first friend she made in the new city and he is the main part of her social group at the moment.


 So he is much more to her than just a landlord. He is her main relationship right now.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

fdup said:


> so she is kind of relieved to have a place she feels comfortable in,



Well, so long as SHE feels comfortable then I guess everything's 
peachy keen, gosh oh golly.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Self confidence is a major factor. You can scare off OM but if your GF perceives you as having lost your right to her, then that may be the kiss of death to your relationship.
> 
> Her desire for you is very important. If she doesn't want you, isn't trying to secure you at this critical time, then her emotional commitment is wavering.
> 
> Given that there are so many women sharing the apartment, if you make your presence known it will certainly make things more complicated for GF and OM to get it on. Are you FB friends with her GF and the other woman?


There is also the fact that she takes the time, almost every weekend, to come to the OP's town to see him. If she were really involved with someone else, I'd expect her to have to do school work on the weekends and not be able to come very often.

After reading the OP's recent post about the actual arrangements I feel that there may, in fact, be nothing going on. I'd not bet my life on it, but there it is.

And as for "gut feelings" that someone brought up, they are the result of fears, not of mind reading. We pick up many cues from how someone behaves, especially someone we know well. Those cues may trigger fears and a gut feeling.

The present situation of an LDR and the kiss certainly would cause anyone to have fears. But I'm not sure that the gut is a reliable indicator in this case. But again, I'd not bet my life on it.

Perhaps the best bet for the OP is a two-fold action. He should go visit HER some weekend soon. Once there he may get a better feeling for the emotional atmosphere. The other part is to try to make his visits with her as normal as possible. Continued suspicion on his part will make HER gut nervous...


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

fdup said:


> I found a text from the OM on her phone one day. He told her that he had feelings for her. I asked her about it and she told me about the kiss and that she does not have feelings for him and that nothing else happened.


Then OM should now be blocked on her phone and all other social media, and she is never to have contact with him again.

That is...IF you decide to keep her.



> Demand they brake all contact and she finds a new place to live?


Yes, but its not so much of a demand as a common sense thing to do on her part and by her doing.

What happened first? The kiss? or the moving in?

Because if the kiss happened first, then I'd just dump her(actually I'd dump her regardless). Because not only did she not break contact, she moved in after she was aware of his designs on her.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP,
You wrote this as part of your last e-mail:



> Regarding the sex thing.
> *She has always had a lower sex drive than me* and can't get in the mood/relax when *she has a lot on her mind so it doesn't strike me as unusual that we are not having sex atm. *That's also the reason I don't believe she woud just have sex with someone else. Now of course I could be wrong about this but I seriously doubt it.


Even if you strip away the "kiss" and the fact she is living with the OM, look at what you just wrote regarding intimacy. I hope you realize that once you're married and you have jobs/kids/mortgage/etc...it only gets more stressful. I get it that women can easily shut down intimacy when faced with a lot of stress, but she's largely attached from all major responsibilities except for herself. It does not get easier when you add in a spouse and children that you are now responsible for too. 

If you end up marrying her and you rug sweep this situation, I would not be surprised to see you posting on this or some other website that you haven't had sex with your wife in this amount of time and you don't know what to do about it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay, I'm late getting in, but have to give my two cents.

First, if you have a committed relationship with a SO, you don't accept her moving in with another man if you have a modicum of common sense.

Second, if you have a committed relationship with a SO, you don't accept her moving in with another man *who has made sexual advances to her *- *Times ten.*


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Okay, I'm late getting in, but have to give my two cents.
> 
> First, if you have a committed relationship with a SO, you don't accept her moving in with another man if you have a modicum of common sense.
> 
> Second, if you have a committed relationship with a SO, you don't accept her moving in with another man *who has made sexual advances to her *- *Times ten.*


I'm not sure what you mean by "moving in"? This guy evidently sublets rooms in his apartment. Or he rents rooms, or whatever.

The OP stated that his SO is sharing a room with another woman. There is a third woman in another room. I don't know where the man is, but I doubt she's moved in with him.

This set of events is not unusual in a university town either in the US or in Europe. I spent most of my undergraduate years in such places sharing a room with another guy.

The kiss bit is a problem. But it may in fact be nothing. We have a tendency of seeing everything as a divorce-worthy case. Some folks are already advocating "divorce". I say, let's wait until the OP can give us more information.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I dont know whether to feel sorry for you or laugh at your denial.

You are being played bigtime. Lets assess this calmly.

A cheater will always minimise their involvement in the affair. Unfortunately if she claims they just kissed you have to assume more happened.

A truly remorseful partner would not have moved in with someone they supposedly kissed. Her coldness and avoidance of your calls is a clear sign that she was pre occupied with him. 

Sex has dried up which is the biggest red flag indicator. I have been there the people on this site have been there. You are no different to us.

We are all trying to help you no matter how harsh you might think we are.

At the very least if you continue this denial it will be a life lesson for you.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

Hey, it's me again.
I'have been thinking for the last few days and we had a phone call on sunday, I'll get to that.

First I'd like to get into the living situation again, it seems to cause some confusion.
They are NOT living together like BF and GF or husband and wife. He rents the flat (it has more rooms than he needs) and shares it with several people. They share the kitchen, the bathroom, and split utilities and wifi, they live and sleep in seperate rooms, in Germany we call it "Wohngemeinschaft" (shared flat?). You are not really thinking I'm still with her even though she shares a bed with another man? I mean come on!
She moved into this shared flat after the kiss happened, yes (which is the f'cked up part for me as well). But it was agreed upon before the kiss which is why she stopped looking for a place to live. The appeal of the flat is still the same in regards to cost, location, size etc. And like I said finding something similar is pretty much impossible.

Why do I want to make this work?
Well I seriously think that she might be the one. I've had my fair share of relationships. I'm a good looking guy and think that I could find somebody new. But if I were to write a list that represents my ideal partner, it would pretty much be her (minus the cheating part and a little more sex). That is why it's so hard for me to ignore my gut that's telling me "What if this is really just a (f*cking big) bump in the road?" While my rational brain says "Dude wtf, run like the wind!!!".
You are all doing a good job presenting my rational side with more arguments but that doesn't really do anything to my gut feeling. Guess that's being in love? idk..

So the phone call.
I told her about everything, that I'm not ok with her still living there, that I'm not ok with him still being in her life etc.
She tells me that she and the OM barely see each other (like twice in the evening in the past week) and that they barely talk anymore and only about superficial stuff, smalltalk and such. She told me that moving out is not an option right now because of the trouble finding a new pace I discribed in an earlier post.
She still wants to make it work. I told her that it will probably not work unless she cuts him out of his life and moves otherwise rebuilding the trust betwenn us will be damn near impossible.

The reason she has trouble to cut ties with the OM is because of the previous fight we had. She broke contact wit a friend because I was worried about their relationship and I didn't like him. She vowed to herself never to do that again. So now she doesn't want to cut the ties, even though the situation is a whole lot different. She feels like she needs to be do it to not lose respect for herself. But IMO she essentially chooses a superficial friendship with a guy (she cheated with!) she has known for 3 months over a 4.5 year relationship..

Well the situation is that I told her that I don't know if I can ever trust her again (she will meet new people..) even if the conditions were ideal to work on the relationship, which they are not and which the will not be for the near future. We agreed to talk about it again on the weekend but the outcome seems pretty clear to me at the moment.

Since the phone call she has tried to communicate more, told me she missed me, thinks about me etc. Why would she do that if she didn't mean it? Sure you could twist it into her wanting a BF in both cities but that would not be the person I've known for over 4 years!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

fdup said:


> Since the phone call she has tried to communicate more, told me she missed me, thinks about me etc. Why would she do that if she didn't mean it? Sure you could twist it into her wanting a BF in both cities but that would not be the person I've known for over 4 years!



I wouldn't read too much into it. Actions speak louder than words. She can run her mouth until she's blue in the face, but as near as I can tell she hasn't actually done anything that you've asked her to.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What you are saying is they all share a house/apartment together and have separate bedrooms, right?

All could be perfectly fine. However, she opened Pandora's box. You never mention visiting her, why? You could use a var to find out exactly where you stand. You could c*ck block the guy too. She won't give up friends you find objectionable. Neither of you can get past the superficial things to protect each others back.

Like Nelson said, go straight at them.

I think she is being honest. But I dont think you both care enough to do what you should. You have the responsibility to man up and protect your relationship and she has the responsibility to be above reproach.

She found one place, she could find another, everyone else does hard though it may be. And you could man up but you don't think it would be politically correct?

Relationships are not equal, the person that is less committed is in control.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think we are aware of the living arrangements. She will be in regular contact with her AP. Her ignorant response to you is not a good sign. She would not be breaking off a regular friendship, she would be ending a relationship with the man she betrayed you with. Could just be ignorant stupidity on her part.

She is dead wrong to think it is ok or healthy to continue a friendship with a man she cheated with. Tell her to read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Hell, read it yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

Jasel said:


> I wouldn't read too much into it. Actions speak louder than words. She can run her mouth until she's blue in the face, but as near as I can tell she hasn't actually done anything that you've asked her to.


I totally agree!



Chaparral said:


> What you are saying is they all share a house/apartment together and have separate bedrooms, right?


Correct. Plus there is no shared living room, only kitchen and bathroom. Yet they will probably cook together, eat together.. So where's the difference, right?



Chaparral said:


> All could be perfectly fine. However, she opened Pandora's box. You never mention visiting her, why? You could use a var to find out exactly where you stand. You could c*ck block the guy too. She won't give up friends you find objectionable. Neither of you can get past the superficial things to protect each others back.
> 
> Like Nelson said, go straight at them.
> 
> ...


I think you are on to something here. Maybe we would both be acting differently if we really were invested. I fear that too much already has happened and now we both doubt we can make it work even if we tried to overcome the infidelity issue.

Visiting her is problematic. I don't have the time over the week, plus there is no room for me to stay. And when she is free on the weekends she comes back to our city.



ConanHub said:


> I think we are aware of the living arrangements. She will be in regular contact with her AP. Her ignorant response to you is not a good sign. She would not be breaking off a regular friendship, she would be ending a relationship with the man she betrayed you with. Could just be ignorant stupidity on her part.


Sorry, I got mixed answers regarding the living situation and thought it needed some clearing up, could've been a language barrier thing.

I totally agree with you on the second part.



ConanHub said:


> She is dead wrong to think it is ok or healthy to continue a friendship with a man she cheated with. Tell her to read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Hell, read it yourself.


Again I agree. 
I will look into some German literature on the subject, thanks!


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

fdup said:


> I told her that it will probably not work unless she cuts him out of his life and moves otherwise rebuilding the trust betwenn us will be damn near impossible.
> *
> She feels like she needs to be do it to not lose respect for herself. *
> 
> But IMO she essentially chooses a superficial friendship with a guy (she cheated with!) she has known for 3 months over a 4.5 year relationship..


I've kept out of this since my initial comment back on page 1 as its all flaky at best and with the distance its a double whammy because of her inability to hold in her hormones its pretty much doomed


1.She made this happen.

2.Her excuse = She feels like she needs to be do it to not lose respect for herself.

3.Your thinking = she essentially chooses a superficial friendship with a guy (she cheated with!) she has known for 3 months over a 4.5 year relationship..

You now have you answer as you've told her the problem

*If she wanted you enough she would drop him and leave as quick as she could*

She doesn't want you enough sorry

p.s.
Tell her there is no self in a close relationship ........its we


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

My father taught me "Don't listen to what they say, watch what they do"!


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

fdup, 
maybe we got each other a little wrong on the living arrangement, it was clear to me they didn't live as husband and wife sharing the same bed and that she was in a rented room in his flat, just wasn't sure if there were other people renting there or not (you clarified that).

As for the update, she substantially answered your concerns with psychobabble nonsense:



fdup said:


> The reason she has trouble to cut ties with the OM is because of the previous fight we had. She broke contact wit a friend because I was worried about their relationship and I didn't like him. She vowed to herself never to do that again. So now she doesn't want to cut the ties, even though the situation is a whole lot different. She feels like she needs to be do it to not lose respect for herself.


This would be understandable if you asked her to forsake a friendship because you didn't like his face, but we're talking about someone who kissed her (and she kissed back) and who told her he had feelings for her (the last communication from him to her you know about firsthand) in a situation that she didn't disclose to you until caught red handed. You have every right to ask her to go NC with this guy and she can't dismiss your request with the silly excuse she gave.

IDK I see this as a HUGE red flag, I mean I would have understood insisting on the housing problem, but to give that as a legitimate motivation...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

fdup said:


> Visiting her is problematic. I don't have the time over the week, plus there is no room for me to stay. And when she is free on the weekends she comes back to our city.


 Why is there no room in her bed for you if you visit? You miss the point as to why you need to visit and say with her. It is for the other man and everyone in the apartment know that you are a couple when they see you share a bed with her.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

fdup said:


> ...He rents the flat (it has more rooms than he needs) and shares it with several people.


You said those other people were moving out...will it be just her and him at some point?



fdup said:


> The reason she has trouble to cut ties with the OM is because of the previous fight we had. She broke contact wit a friend because I was worried about their relationship and I didn't like him. She vowed to herself never to do that again.


So this isn't the first time she's had close relationships with other men? Can you elaborate on this event?



fdup said:


> Visiting her is problematic. I don't have the time over the week, plus there is no room for me to stay. And when she is free on the weekends she comes back to our city.


What do you mean, no room for you to stay? Wouldn't you stay with her in her room? You mentioned earlier is was a great space....does she make excuses why you can't be there?


This chick is outa line. You gotta be kidding me, she won't end her relationship with her affair partner due to her principle vow to herself....its called selfish.....she's not worth it.

Cake and eat it too.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

TRy said:


> *Why is there no room in her bed for you if you visit?* You miss the point as to why you need to visit and say with her. It is for the other man and everyone in the apartment know that you are a couple when they see you share a bed with her.





tulsy said:


> You said those other people were moving out...will it be just her and him at some point?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Just a theory, but it's possible the woman she shares the room with might object.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

fdup said:


> Hey, it's me again.
> I'have been thinking for the last few days and we had a phone call on sunday, I'll get to that.
> 
> First I'd like to get into the living situation again, it seems to cause some confusion.
> ...


Boom, nuff said. Get rid of her. She obviously thinks its ok to live in the same flat as someone else after inappropriate behavior went on.

You need someone that isn't going to disrespect you like this. Move on to greener pastures.



> But it was agreed upon before the kiss which is why she stopped looking for a place to live.


So what?




> The appeal of the flat is still the same in regards to cost, location, size etc. And like I said finding something similar is pretty much impossible.


Then if you are dead set on keeping her, then I guess you'll just have to put up with it.




> Why do I want to make this work?
> Well I seriously think that she might be the one. I've had my fair share of relationships. I'm a good looking guy and think that I could find somebody new. But if I were to write a list that represents my ideal partner, it would pretty much be her (minus the cheating part and a little more sex). That is why it's so hard for me to ignore my gut that's telling me "What if this is really just a (f*cking big) bump in the road?" While my rational brain says "Dude wtf, run like the wind!!!".


Listen to your rational brain.




> So the phone call.
> I told her about everything, that I'm not ok with her still living there, that I'm not ok with him still being in her life etc.
> She tells me that she and the OM barely see each other (like twice in the evening in the past week) and that they barely talk anymore and only about superficial stuff, smalltalk and such.


It does NOT matter. There should be NO contact....PERIOD.




> She told me that moving out is not an option right now because of the trouble finding a new pace I discribed in an earlier post.


Bullsh*t. She stays where she is at, but she starts looking and doesn't give up until she finds something.




> She still wants to make it work. I told her that it will probably not work unless she cuts him out of his life and moves otherwise rebuilding the trust betwenn us will be damn near impossible.
> 
> The reason she has trouble to cut ties with the OM is because of the previous fight we had. She broke contact wit a friend because I was worried about their relationship and I didn't like him. She vowed to herself never to do that again. So now she doesn't want to cut the ties, even though the situation is a whole lot different. She feels like she needs to be do it to not lose respect for herself.


Seriously? She doesn't want to cut ties with a guy she cheated on you with??

Guess what my man, she wants to keep him as an option. If you were that important to her, if she respected you, and wanted to be with you, she'd cut ties, no ifs ands or buts.

Her contact with him is more important than you are to her.





> Since the phone call she has tried to communicate more, told me she missed me, thinks about me etc. Why would she do that if she didn't mean it?


To keep you on the hook. She wants to be able to have you available to her, but also keeping her other options open.




> Sure you could twist it into her wanting a BF in both cities but that would not be the person I've known for over 4 years!


You probably also didn't peg her as a cheater either in those 4 years.


I looks like come hell or high water that you want to keep her and ignore the signs. That's up to you.

Bottom line, if you let her disrespect you like this and she insists on not cutting contact with a guy she cheated on you with (and my "gut" tells me much more than kissing and more times than just the one she told you about), then you have given an inch, and she'll take a mile.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_I found a text from the OM on her phone one day. He told her that he had feelings for her. _

_She tells me that she and the OM barely see each other (like twice in the evening in the past week) and that they barely talk anymore and only about superficial stuff, small talk and such._

So, if you were pursuing somebody, and she moved into you (shared) flat, what do you think you would be doing? Would you go from emotional texts to barely talking to her?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

*Words*: The VOW to never let this happen again.

*Actions*: Kiss and run off to live with OM(before the kiss, In a shared flat, blah blah blah). 

*Issue*: You, not her. Her, I understand completely. YOU, I have no clue. 

*Gotta love beta indoctrination behavior. Let's call it the "Beta Script"* 

In my hand are two pills. One blue and one red. Take the blue one and you can continue your coma. Take the red one and see reality. You cannot undo the red pill. Your choice. -- Take the red pill, my friend.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OM may be history and your GF may want to be with you.

What sort of kiss was it? You don't really know. Did their tongues get involved before she broke it off. If the guy kissed her but she wasn't into it, then she wasn't really unfaithful.

If she enjoyed it a lot, that is bad.

At this points I wouldn't discuss this with her. She needs the apartment for the sake of convenience. This is a reality in many big cities.

Be yourself. Don't frown and look glum, that forces you to scotch your relationship. Be a good a boyfriend. Stand up straight. Be quietly assertive. Give her a good banging every weekend.

Don't be needy. Make her want to meet your expectations. She knows what they are now. Judge her by her actions. She should take care to contact you and let you know that you have no cause to be jealous. She should be eager to have sex and enjoy it.

Take her wall climbing or to an event she would have expected.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Here is what I'm hearing:

"I cheated on him, but I'm going to move in with the other guy anyway, still stay in contact with him, and see him in person all the time(and more times than she is going to let on)....and my boyfriend will just have to suck it up"


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> OM may be history and your GF may want to be with you.
> 
> What sort of kiss was it? You don't really know. Did their tongues get involved before she broke it off. If the guy kissed her but she wasn't into it, then she wasn't really unfaithful.


That would be true if she immediately stopped him in a "what are you doing?" moment.

But according to OP, that's not what happened.



> he kissed her but she didn't brake it off


Even if she did stop him immediately, she knows he is into her and moved into the same flat as him and still is in contact. Unacceptable.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

This is pretty cut and dry...she moves now and goes no contact with OM, or it's over and you go no contact with her.

Even if she does the right thing and moves you still have some major issues with her which won't go away. I don't think it's worth trying to get her to understand...she obviously likes attention from other men, knows how you feel about it, this has happened with at least 2 men you know about, and she regrets ending the "friendship" with the first guy, so she vows she'll never do that again for you (like it's your fault you don't want to date a girl who likes having other potential suitors hanging around).

You can learn a lot from this. Most important lesson is what your own boundaries are.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

tulsy said:


> You said those other people were moving out...will it be just her and him at some point?


No, it will be 3 people living there. Currently it's 4: the OM, another woman, my GF and her (female) friend who are sharing one of the three bedrooms.



tulsy said:


> So this isn't the first time she's had close relationships with other men? Can you elaborate on this event?


She gets along better with men (usually makes guy friends easier than girl friends), the same way I get along better with women (make female friends more easily). It has been an issue before because IMO she underestimates her influence on men. She is really cute, petite, big eyes, interesting, friendly.. (She has been a late bloomer/ugly duckling, so she is not hung up on her looks) Of course men will fall for her! For some reason (or maybe she does it on purpose?) she doesn't see that, IMO is a little naive about it. So when a guy got a little too interested in her (at least I saw it that way), I asked her to cut it off. Maybe I was too jealous, but I didn't feel comfortable.

I try to stay away from attractive single women whenever I can because I don't want to cause any trouble in our relationship. I have my circle of close friends, a good relationship(in the past at least) so I don't want the temptaion. But she likes to meet new people a lot. 
Red flag alert, I know..
But I always trusted her, heck she would tell me straight away if she found someone attractive, as would I, yet it never was an issue.
But yeah, that trust is gone now..



tulsy said:


> What do you mean, no room for you to stay? Wouldn't you stay with her in her room? You mentioned earlier is was a great space....does she make excuses why you can't be there?


She share a room (and the bed in that room) with her girl friend atm. So no room for me.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

fdup said:


> She share a room (and the bed in that room) with her girl friend atm. *So no room for me*.


How convenient


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ok, I do understand. 

You're defending her right to walk all over you. And she does. Keep on defending her until she gets engaged to some other guy. I am sure they will invite you to the wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Is it a coincidence there are no other rental opportunities in a big city that do not include OM?


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

I read your post about your facility to have female friend, and all your other posts and I'm tempted to advice you to read "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover. 

It will help you to understand how to stand for yourself, in situations like this one. And why you need male friends more than female ones.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Sorry it seems to don't exist in german


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: In discussing her moving in with the other man ("OM") you are too focused on the kiss and not focused enough on the fact that after the kiss the OM "told her that he had feelings for her". Thus it was more than just a kiss. It was a kiss with feelings. Her claim that she does not have feelings for him, does not mesh with the fact that she will not give her friendship with him up, and does not change that fact that he is pursuing her.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

- Why don't you have a surprise visit Friday night. It may change your mindset. Pretend to leave Sat but actually stick around and see what's happens Sat night. 

- Just tell her you are going to have a few women move into your flat. Then tell her you kissed all of them to test their response and all still want to move in. That one has a BF, but is so beta, she'll probably convince him the rental is good situation. 

- Why on earth are you writing to us. You fail to see reality and defend her every kiss and move. Either you have an issue or you don't. I think you do, but you cannot face it. 

----> Get her to sign up and visit TAM, give her the link to this thread and let her see for herself what you're going through. I think she'll laugh, along with OM at all this.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

fdup said:


> Hey, it's me again.
> I'have been thinking for the last few days and we had a phone call on sunday, I'll get to that.
> 
> First I'd like to get into the living situation again, it seems to cause some confusion.
> ...


Don't blow this up into a situation where you lose her. That's a real danger. She clearly does not want to feel as if you are controlling her life. That will cause resentment and may well be fatal to the relationship. You admit that she already has issues with your jealousy, not that I blame you for that.

Look, if she did what you wanted and moved out to another rooming house you'd be no better off. You'd still be separated and she'd still be stressed by uni work. And she could still be seeing the other man.

My advice, worth what you paid for it, would be to be watchful but back off a bit -- explaining to her why you are nervous but that you understand her concerns and are willing to live with them.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> She found one place, she could find another, everyone else does hard though it may be.


No, everyone else does not do it. I've spent time in a number of university towns where rooming houses are the main form of housing for graduate students. Finding a room that is a reasonable distance from the school can be very very difficult. And few students can afford to keep a car, not to mention paying for parking it.

And she seems to really resent having her life controlled by someone else. They've already had one major fight about this in which he seems to have won and she's resented the outcome.

And it is entirely possible that the "kiss" event has been overblown.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> My advice, worth what you paid for it, would be to be watchful but back off a bit -- explaining to her why you are nervous


He's done that, she doesn't care. She is going to do what she wants to do, hence "The reason she has trouble to cut ties with the OM is because of the previous fight we had. She broke contact wit a friend because I was worried about their relationship and I didn't like him. She vowed to herself never to do that again. *So now she doesn't want to cut the ties*, even though the situation is a whole lot different"




> but that you understand her concerns and are willing to live with them.


He isn't willing to live with them, hence "I told her about everything, that I'm not ok with her still living there, that I'm not ok with him still being in her life"

He wants her to cut ties with a guy that she cheated on him with and still has designs on her.

She doesn't want to cut ties with the guy she cheated on him with and still has designs on her.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Just a theory, but it's possible the woman she shares the room with might object.


Nah. When we, the TAM army, make up our minds that (surprise) the woman is WRONG, there's no stopping us.

Reading the last few posts by fdup, I get the feeling that he'd be happy to dump her, all over a kiss that SHE TOLD HIM ABOUT.

If she'd wanted to cheat, she'd never have said anything, moved into the OM's bedroom and fdup would never be the wiser.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> *Don't blow this up into a situation where you lose her.* That's a real danger. She clearly does not want to feel as if you are controlling her life. That will cause resentment and may well be fatal to the relationship. You admit that she already has issues with your jealousy, not that I blame you for that.
> 
> Look, if she did what you wanted and moved out to another rooming house you'd be no better off. You'd still be separated and she'd still be stressed by uni work. And she could still be seeing the other man.
> 
> My advice, worth what you paid for it, would be to be watchful but back off a bit -- explaining to her why you are nervous but that you understand her concerns and are willing to live with them.


I have the opposite advice: kick her ass to the curb. She's clearly not that in to you so cut your losses and move on.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> I have the opposite advice: kick her ass to the curb. She's clearly not that in to you so cut your losses and move on.


Judging what fdup has written, that's what he's going to do.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Judging what fdup has written, that's what he's going to do.


You and I must be reading different things.

This is what I read:



fdup said:


> Why do I want to make this work?
> Well I seriously think that she might be the one. I've had my fair share of relationships. I'm a good looking guy and think that I could find somebody new. But if I were to write a list that represents my ideal partner, it would pretty much be her (minus the cheating part and a little more sex). That is why it's so hard for me to ignore my gut that's telling me "What if this is really just a (f*cking big) bump in the road?"


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Nah. When we, the TAM army, make up our minds that (surprise) the woman is WRONG, there's no stopping us.


I for one, am not saying so much that the woman is wrong; but that the OP is wrong for accepting this living arrangement. Especially given the OM's advances. It could very well be that the woman hasn't done anything wrong; or she could have. If she hasn't, then this is at the very least, a boundary issue.

And I'll stick by my assertion that the GF has "moved in" with this guy. They share everything but the same bedroom; allegedly. They're literally steps away from each others beds every night.

Would you be okay with your wife or long term SO doing this?


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Nah. When we, the TAM army, make up our minds that (surprise) the woman is WRONG, there's no stopping us.
> 
> Reading the last few posts by fdup, I get the feeling that he'd be happy to dump her, *all over a kiss that SHE TOLD HIM ABOUT*.
> 
> If she'd wanted to cheat, she'd never have said anything, moved into the OM's bedroom and fdup would never be the wiser.


Huh... Nope... Sorry, you didn't get that right..
She admitted to a kiss _after_ he saw a text on her phone by OM expressing feelings for her.

She said she had the intention to tell, after she was caught...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> And it is entirely possible that the "kiss" event has been overblown.


 After the kiss the other man sent a text telling her that he had feelings for her, so no it is not being overblown. 



sidney2718 said:


> I get the feeling that he'd be happy to dump her, all over a kiss that SHE TOLD HIM ABOUT.
> 
> If she'd wanted to cheat, she'd never have said anything, moved into the OM's bedroom and fdup would never be the wiser.


 Prior to the OP finding the text message from the other man, she in fact did not saying anything to the OP about the kiss. Based on your logic that "If she'd wanted to cheat, she'd never have said anything", she wanted to cheat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There's another way to look at it. 

If he takes a kiss from a married woman/woman in a serious LTR, what else might he do if he can't get his way?:scratchhead:

OP, this man is a potential danger to women. Your woman in particular.

*Do something to negate his menace.*

Something legal, of course. But do it!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I think the guy is a player. Funny how all his "renters" are female and as per the OP finding other places to stay are hard to do, "especially within the price point" of the current one. I wonder if he isn't giving them the player special??


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> I think the guy is a player. Funny how all his "renters" are female and as per the OP finding other places to stay are hard to do, "especially within the price point" of the current one. I wonder if he isn't giving them the player special??


Yeah, that's what I've been thinking too.

If he does nothing else and decide to keep her as a GF anyway, he should at least go to visit once unannounced, just to sniff around the air. I'd bet he may change his mind about a lot of things...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Take the cheating away from this entirely, and this relationship would still be doomed to fail IMHO. They're going in different directions. The OP does not live in an area that is amenable to the line of work that his GF wants to pursue, hence the long distance relationship. This is so much like HS sweethearts going off to different schools and drifting apart that I'm quite surprised that people are putting all that much thought into this.

If the OP wants to throw caution to the wind and keep a LDR going with this girl, then fine. No biggie. He'll have to put up with it on her terms, because clearly that's what he's going to have to live with if he wants to keep the relationship going. Her future studies/career choices are more important to her than the OP. There is nothing wrong with that. The OP needs to come to terms about it and decide if he wants to try and wait it out while she pursues her future. After she's done, then maybe she'll put the OP to the top of her priorities. Maybe not. Maybe she even meets someone that fulfills her needs better than the OP.

She's moving on with her future, and he still thinks things are the same as they were before she was accepted to this grad school. Sooner or later, he's going to get hurt unless he resigns himself to the fate of this relationship and move on with his life's work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> Nah. When we, the TAM army, make up our minds that (surprise) the woman is WRONG, there's no stopping us.
> 
> Reading the last few posts by fdup, I get the feeling that he'd be happy to dump her, all over a kiss that SHE TOLD HIM ABOUT.
> 
> If she'd wanted to cheat, she'd never have said anything, moved into the OM's bedroom and fdup would never be the wiser.


Are you drinking?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did the whole kissing episode go? He didn't just walk up and kiss her. Why only one kiss? The one kiss story always ends up a lie around here, so much so its gottne really creepy. So, you read his texts telling her he had feelings for her. How did he word that? As in "you're hot,". You're cute,.I think I'm falling in love." Etc.

So you read the text, she denies everything, then going by the script she says.well, the did have one kiss. Did they hug? Did you ask her if he felt her up, take her shirt off? Were they in public, in his living room, bedroom?

It really doesn't matter. She dumped a regular friend but won't dump a guy she made out with, moved in with, only sees a couple of times a week although they live in the same apartment that you're not invited to because she doesn't want to break her principles of independence dump another "friend" she doesn't even see blah, blah, blah.

So after the kiss and his expressions of desire, you catch her via his texts, what did her texts to him say? She denies everything and finally admits to one kiss. How did she get herself into the position to be kissed but wants you to believe she put a stop to it?

None of this is believable. 

The only thing in her favor is she comes home a lot.

Read mmslp linked to below. Do not respond to every text, email or call. Give her something to think about. Do not keep pestering her, bringing it up, be cool with it. If anything tell her she's a grown woman and grown people can decide who they want to be around.

In my case, when I said that there was a loooooong pause. Then she said , " but I want to see you too.". That's when I laughed and told her she could go out with anyone she wanted but me. That was the end of all her needing space crap.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Nah. When we, the TAM army, make up our minds that (surprise) the woman is WRONG, there's no stopping us.
> 
> Reading the last few posts by fdup, I get the feeling that he'd be happy to dump her, all over a kiss that SHE TOLD HIM ABOUT.
> 
> If she'd wanted to cheat, she'd never have said anything, moved into the OM's bedroom and fdup would never be the wiser.


You are reading differently. She was caught or OP would not have been any wiser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old red (Jul 26, 2014)

you may be very fond of her, but she is not wife material. she is not trying very hard, is she? do you want a wife who is deceptive and lazy, and who rationalizes her hurtful choices by making you seem like a chauvinist? your life, but remember: 90% of your happiness or unhappiness is directly related to your choice of spouse, so be sure to choose wisely.


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## fdup (Jan 10, 2015)

I broke it off..

Some of you probably think "finally" or something and you're probably right. 
But I'm sitting here knowing I just lost my best friend and partner of the last 4.5 years.. And I know that it was the right decision and all, but.. f*ck man.. just.. kacke..


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I'm sorry you had to come to this decision it is the correct one but wont make it any less painful, perhaps the jolt will bring her round but it would seem unlikely as she is there in his house and i do believe it was more than a kiss


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

fdup said:


> I broke it off..
> 
> Some of you probably think "finally" or something and you're probably right.
> But I'm sitting here knowing I just lost my best friend and partner of the last 4.5 years.. And I know that it was the right decision and all, but.. f*ck man.. just.. kacke..


Sorry man, but better now, than in my situation where you have 2 kids and the 20 years together only to say the same thing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

fdup said:


> I broke it off..
> 
> Some of you probably think "finally" or something and you're probably right.
> But I'm sitting here knowing I just lost my best friend and partner of the last 4.5 years.. And I know that it was the right decision and all, but.. f*ck man.. just.. kacke..


Gosh, I didn't see that coming. How did you make the decision? What did you say to her? How did she respond?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude, your woman wanted to share an apartment with a man? Hell F'ing no. That should have been your response to nip that situation in the bud from the git go.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

fdup said:


> I broke it off..
> 
> Some of you probably think "finally" or something and you're probably right.
> But I'm sitting here knowing I just lost my best friend and partner of the last 4.5 years.. And I know that it was the right decision and all, but.. f*ck man.. just.. kacke..


You seem like a good dude so you need to take comfort that you did the right thing and move on. She didn't deserve you. There are plenty of wonderful women in the world who do. Enjoy yourself going out there and finding one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

fdup said:


> I broke it off..
> 
> Some of you probably think "finally" or something and you're probably right.
> But I'm sitting here knowing I just lost my best friend and partner of the last 4.5 years.. And I know that it was the right decision and all, but.. f*ck man.. just.. kacke..


Sorry man. I know it hurts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry man. I know it hurts.


Yeah. We are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sigh...
Look at this as a life lesson and before you marry please watch the movie "Divorcecorp"
It is important for young men to watch this.
I am sorry please when you are ready come back.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

I think you did the right thing.

You sounded like you didn't want to end things, what made you change your mind?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

fdup said:


> I broke it off..
> 
> Some of you probably think "finally" or something and you're probably right.
> But I'm sitting here knowing I just lost my best friend and partner of the last 4.5 years.. And I know that it was the right decision and all, but.. f*ck man.. just.. kacke..


Well done 
you have saved a lot of heatache in the future

How did it go down ?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

If you just sit around pining for her so that when she shows up with big sad eyes and you get back together at the snap of her fingers all you are really doing is giving her permission to sleep around now without cheating, knowing she can pick you up later.

Then she will say "well you broke up with me!"
Dont fall for that, what will she have done to make you feel like you were the man for her.

(Btw this is usually how I see these go)

You need to see her as not marriage material, work on yourself and move on.

Its a hard path to start, I hope you make it.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What will you do with her stuff?

I suggest you box it all and have it ready for her to pick up. Don't act needy when she comes to get it. Stand up straight and act as if replacing her will be done.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You are reading differently. She was caught or OP would not have been any wiser.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right. My bad.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

fdup said:


> I broke it off..
> 
> Some of you probably think "finally" or something and you're probably right.
> But I'm sitting here knowing I just lost my best friend and partner of the last 4.5 years.. And I know that it was the right decision and all, but.. f*ck man.. just.. kacke..


I understand how you feel. But just like I found out when breaking it off with gf's in the past or my marriage, I realized I made the mistake of thinking that they were the only ones for me and that they were my best friend. You'll shed that line of thinking sooner or later.

And congrats. Consider yourself reborn.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry she didn't think 4.5 years meant enough not to move in with the man she cheated with.

I don't predict healthy relationships for her anytime soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you unfriend her on Facebook?


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## WeeTry (Feb 1, 2015)

Even though OP broke up with gf already I'd like to state my opinion...

If I put myself into position of that roomate I'd do everything to get laid with OPs gf. If she is as hot as he claim she is, absolutely. Living in the same house, sharing same bathroom is like a time bomb. Its just a matter of time when it will "explode" (read: happen).

My friend have been in exactly same position. Just he was the one who went into another city. Very first day we came in new town we celebrated starting of our new student life and got a bit drunk. Guess what happend. My friend cheated on his gf first day we moved in new town. It's simple as that. You can not let man and attractive woman live in the same house and expect nothing to happen. Whenever we go with friends on a trip things like that happen. Men can't resist ladies in those sleeping shorts and literally every time happens.

And if I put myself into position of your ex gf. I could never guarantee for myself that nothing would ever happen. Actually I am pretty sure it would have. I am man and if there is a hot lady willing to get laid... well u know what's next.

You did a right decision when u dumped her. Trust me, she have been cheating on u, and if not, she would have, soon or later.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP I am sorry you had to break it off and I know that it must have been tough! What did you say exactly and what was her response ?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

It would be interesting to know how the girlfriend reacted when he broke it off. Did she contact him and try to get him to change his mind, or did she just leave it at that?


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

Come back man, post the aftermath


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

thummper said:


> It would be interesting to know how the girlfriend reacted when he broke it off. Did she contact him and try to get him to change his mind, or did she just leave it at that?


I'm guessing that it moved the time table up on her having sex with the "room mate" (if she hadn't already that is).

In her despair after breaking up, she gets her emotional needs met, then he gets wacka wacka wow wow(queue the 70's porn music).


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