# Good dates going dark



## firebelly1

I know I've b*tched about this before but it just keeps happening and I just keep getting upset. I realize it will probably keep happening so I need to figure out how to cope: I've engaged with a few guys now where everything seems to be going along swimmingly, we have a few dates, lots of texting, phone calls, etc. and then blam - the guy's contact with me just trails off into nothing. I know something is up but just have no idea what. I have no idea what triggered it. 

There was one instance where I felt like something was up and decided to check my gut - I texted and said "it seems like we have a 'not that into you' situation. Am I right? If I am...it's okay. No explanation needed." No response. The guy was just a chicken sh*t. I debate with myself about whether to check the assumption but maybe I should just lick my wounds and let it lie? 

And by licking my wounds I mean that my tendency is to think there was something I did / didn't do wrong and on top of that - there must be something really wrong with me because I can't determine what it was. Grrrrr....


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## Lloyd Dobler

Firebelly,

sorry that things aren't going as well as you'd like with some of these dates. I agree that there should be no reason why an adult can't come out and say they're not that interested - he doesn't even need to go into any detail. For those that don't bother to let you know, good riddance. These aren't the type of people who are relationship-worthy in the long run.


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## Jellybeans

Ugh. 

I feel your pain.

Being ghosted by someone is the WORST. Especially if you thought you had a connection and some dates were going well. 

My advice: eventhough it sucks, just try not to take it too personally. They may have figured out you were not a good match before you did. Or they may be involved with someone else. Or just plain not into you. I would NOT do what you did here again (the text saying about the " not into you-situation"). If you are wanting to contact you could ask to hang out. If they blow you off, that is your response.

It would be SO much easier and better if some people just said, especially after a few dates, that they didn't see it going anywhere. But some prefer to go the silent route.

I hate that sh*t. One side is always left wondering, "Did I say something wrong?" "are the going to call me?" UGH.

It's the worst. 

But listen up and listen well: DO NOT CHASE.


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## happy as a clam

^ ^ ^
THIS.

:iagree: Agree with J-beans.


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## SamuraiJack

I have had a few dates where it seemed like they just werent that into me so I didnt pursue...only to find out they thought we were a hot ticket exclusive item. 

You can just never really tell how the other person is seeing things.


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## firebelly1

JB - I don't chase. But that is good advice - if I want to contact ask to hang out. In truth, in the most recent situation, I was having doubts about our compatibility as well so I wasn't sure I wanted to contact him. But dang it - I don't wan to be the rejected one! 

It is the taking it personally that I really need to get under control. But what bugs me is this - if I am doing or not doing something that would also turn off other potential mates, it would be really nice to know what that is.


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## EnjoliWoman

I just see that as they enjoyed themselves and things were nice but not GREAT. I agree ghosting sucks and I've done it but then I told myself that I'm an adult and need to act like one and that's it's simple courtesy. It's been done to me a couple times. 

But I never initiate any contact after a date so if they don't want a second date I don't have much invested when they disappear.


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## IndyTMI

Ha, if only there was a service that could video document a dating sequence and then evaluate your chances of another date. It could tell you the things you did right and what was done wrong.

I think for some, it is difficult to be self aware of the turnoffs and without feedback from your date, you are lost about what it is you are doing to remove the chances of future dates.


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## Cooper

It happens to us guys also, you have a few dates, a few laughs and then........silence. Heck just two weeks ago I was messaging a woman on Match and she gives me her number so I can call her. So next day I call, no answer so I leave a message, next morning I call again, no answer so I leave a message. Next day I send her a text and ask when is a good time to call so we can chat, nothing. Why the heck give me your number? Is my voice that bad that you said yuk? 

I guess people just take the easy way out, maybe they don't feel an attraction, maybe they met someone else, maybe they just changed their mind, who knows? Going silent avoids any possible uncomfortable conversations.


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## ne9907

Yeah, it sucks when a seemingly great date doesn't respond.
Rest asure that it is nothing wrong with you. We as individuals, are not meant to please everyone we meet, nor are we meant for everyone to like us in a romantic way!!

I had a guy (we went out on four or five dates), very great dates, no initial spark. This guy was a talker and I noticed his life was very high in drama.
On our last date, I mentioned how I did not see myself fitting into his high drama life. 

He hasn't asked me out since, and I have not either.

If you seriously worry though, look inwards and find out the areas in your life or attitude you do not like and change them. But do it for you!!

Good luck! May you catch a lot of fish and may they be delicious!


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## hereinthemidwest

I totally relate to this thread. Been there. But it’s was obvious he not feeling the same. It was one sided. Why be in some limbo relationship? They say the hardest good-byes are the ones that we say nothing. And it’s true. Next time don’t give them satisfaction or opportunity to think your desperate by texting them. You'll only become some fill-up station in a bad relationsh1t. Just move on.


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## Jellybeans

IndyTMI said:


> Ha, if only there was a service that could video document a dating sequence and then evaluate your chances of another date.


Haha. That would be awesome!



Cooper said:


> I guess people just take the easy way out, maybe they don't feel an attraction, maybe they met someone else, maybe they just changed their mind, who knows? Going silent avoids any possible uncomfortable conversations.


I think they fee that not saying anything is better than having the conversation. I operate from a different POV so it is very hard for me to relate to this or fathom doing it to someone. Because I have a rule that I am always straight up about where my headspace is at. I feel it's only fair. But...we're not all the same.



hereinthemidwest said:


> They say the hardest good-byes are the ones that we say nothing.


True.


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## Nikita2270

> It is the taking it personally that I really need to get under control. But what bugs me is this - if I am doing or not doing something that would also turn off other potential mates, it would be really nice to know what that is.


It doesn't matter. You are you.

I think dating is a volume game. You just have to optimize your chances by meeting lots of people.

The bottom line is that if you go out with someone who isn't courteous, respectful, or thoughtful enough to let you know that it isn't working for them...you probably dodged a bullet anyway. What are the chances that you're going to have good communication, honesty and trust in a relationship with someone like that?

You have to date with the mindset that they can come or go. You're not just trying to meet a person, you're trying to meet the right person. It just takes time.


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## unsure78

Agree with Jelly... do not chase... I do not initiate texting after the first date... if they want to they will ask you out again. ...

You may have thought it was a great date they may have just been being polite... Unfortunately being ghosted is very common... I personally never get invested until a few dates in anymore...I like to think of a first date as almost a business meeting, thats way its easier not to take anything personally
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix

firebelly1 said:


> JB - I don't chase. But that is good advice - if I want to contact ask to hang out. In truth, in the most recent situation, I was having doubts about our compatibility as well so I wasn't sure I wanted to contact him. But dang it - I don't wan to be the rejected one!
> 
> It is the taking it personally that I really need to get under control. But what bugs me is this - if I am doing or not doing something that would also turn off other potential mates, it would be really nice to know what that is.


Emotional armor.  Don't take it personally. I know this is easier said than done. However, would you really have changed anything? Weren't you yourself? See if you can adopt a WYSIWG attitude. To use a cliché, be authentic.



Moxiesbuddy said:


> The whole process is not unlike job hunting. You may get all the way to the final two candidates and then the company goes with the other person. You never know if you did something wrong in an interview, or if it was your personality, or if the other candidate was a better fit, asked for less money, etc. You can make yourself crazy recovering from the apparent rejection and unknown factors.
> 
> Rather than try over-analyze, it's probably best to continue being honest yourself, and hope and pray that your dates have the same respect for you.
> 
> Moxiesbuddy


 Yes. Concentrate on fit and not what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong. Seriously.



unsure78 said:


> Agree with Jelly... do not chase... I do not initiate texting after the first date... if they want to they will ask you out again. ...
> 
> You may have thought it was a great date they may have just been being polite... Unfortunately being ghosted is very common... I personally never get invested until a few dates in anymore...I like to think of a first date as almost a business meeting, thats way its easier not to take anything personally
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I might or might not initiate after the first date depending on how I felt it went, did we discuss a common interest or getting together and if I come across something fun to do. For ex. with my current guy, I did send an email on a blues band because we had discussed seeing a band in the future. I was headed out of town the next week, and the band was for the following week. I had had fun on our first date and was open to seeing him again, but it wasn't a drama filled angsty feeling. We didn't see the band, but we did see a movie. Not sure it would have happened if I hadn't followed up as, apparently, I was putting out mixed signals.  I can be kind of obtuse about that. I am used to a more emotionally stunted sort of man... :rofl:


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## whitehawk

lt's not a personal or did or didn't thing , it's just a not into you thing. Believe me that's all it is l'd put money on it. l've faded out with every girl l've met so far cept one that dumped me.

Thing is , as more talking or time or dates or whatever your doing goes on , if it's gonna be that way then that's about when it just becomes obvious . So it's like oh well , what's the point .
After reading a bit through here though l guess l must have left a few girls asking this same stuff . 
Even one l met only a wk and a bit back. We talked most nights and days one way or another for about a wk. But l haven't been back to her in 4 or 5 days now because as time went on there was just nothing there for me. That's happened 1/2 a dozen times.
Doesn't seem much point that's all , maybe to them though, maybe l should say something l dunno. l just let it go the way it's going though myself . l mean if she was to ring and ask or something sure l'd say my side but l usually just assume it's pretty obvious tbh.


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## Cooper

whitehawk said:


> lt's not a personal or did or didn't thing , it's just a not into you thing. Believe me that's all it is l'd put money on it. l've faded out with every girl l've met so far cept one that dumped me.
> 
> Thing is , as more talking or time or dates or whatever your doing goes on , if it's gonna be that way then that's about when it just becomes obvious . So it's like oh well , what's the point .
> After reading a bit through here though l guess l must have left a few girls asking this same stuff .
> Even one l met only a wk and a bit back. We talked most nights and days one way or another for about a wk. But l haven't been back to her in 4 or 5 days now because as time went on there was just nothing there for me. That's happened 1/2 a dozen times.
> Doesn't seem much point that's all , maybe to them though, maybe l should say something l dunno. l just let it go the way it's going though myself . l mean if she was to ring and ask or something sure l'd say my side but l usually just assume it's pretty obvious tbh.


 Whitehawk the way you approach ending things is an easy decision from your perspective, but maybe not for the woman on the other side. To you it is obvious things are not going to work out, but the other person may be having totally different thoughts. She may be thinking "wow, this guys pretty cool, we are talking almost every day and things are just clicking along" and then.....nothing.

Sure after a few days she will realize he was either in a plane crash or he's just not going to call me again, but for those first few days she is left wondering, maybe even waiting and hoping to hear from you again.

I guess a lot of it depends on how the dates or conversations went. If every second is a struggle looking for something to talk about then it's obvious you have nothing in common. If conversation was easy and you had some fun but it just wasn't happening for you I think you owe the other person some closure. Nothing long or drawn out, just a simple "I'm just not feeling the right chemistry, sorry, best wishes to you"


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## BeachGuy

Is it an intimacy thing? I'm not dating (yet) but if I went out with a woman "3 or 4 times" I would at least anticipate some physical contact by the 3rd date. Kissing, more, whatever? Not saying this is the case here just wondering out loud. Am I thinking too aggressively? Been a long time since I went out on an official "date".


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## firebelly1

BeachGuy said:


> Is it an intimacy thing? I'm not dating (yet) but if I went out with a woman "3 or 4 times" I would at least anticipate some physical contact by the 3rd date. Kissing, more, whatever? Not saying this is the case here just wondering out loud. Am I thinking too aggressively? Been a long time since I went out on an official "date".


This wasn't a problem in the situation I'm whining about. And it wasn't after a first date - it was after being together 5 or 6 times, texting multiple times a day, talking on the phone, etc. There was a lot of contact, and then all of a sudden there was none.


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## lenzi

firebelly1 said:


> There was one instance where I felt like something was up and decided to check my gut - I texted and said "it seems like we have a 'not that into you' situation. Am I right? If I am...it's okay. No explanation needed." No response.


It sounds sorta desperate as if you're saying "I really like you and want to be with you but you don't like me!" It puts him on a pedestal while diminishing your importance to something less than him. 

If a guy is interested, he'll get in touch. 

If you don't hear from a guy after a few dates, just chalk it off to lack of interest or he found someone he likes better.


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## Vanton68

SamuraiJack said:


> I have had a few dates where it seemed like they just werent that into me so I didnt pursue...only to find out they thought we were a hot ticket exclusive item.
> 
> You can just never really tell how the other person is seeing things.


The best one was about a year ago, said she wanted to be friends and quote "oh no, we will never have sex, I hope you're okay with that". Later that week she invited me back to her place, gave me a massage, kissed me and it turned into months of fun times. 

Other girls have been hot and then went cold on me. I knew they were going to work out and never heard from them again


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## whitehawk

BeachGuy said:


> Is it an intimacy thing? I'm not dating (yet) but if I went out with a woman "3 or 4 times" I would at least anticipate some physical contact by the 3rd date. Kissing, more, whatever? Not saying this is the case here just wondering out loud. Am I thinking too aggressively? Been a long time since I went out on an official "date".




Thanks Coop to btw . Yeah it's been a weird trip for me so far. l've gotten along really well with most of them but no magic on my part.
Your right though , l suppose l should say something , l have often felt a bit guilty not . 

BG , don't worry man , your not missing much but nah , that's not too aggressive no way. God these days you'd be lucky if she hasn't tried to get you in the cot by 2 or 3 dates .
But your not missing much so take your time mate. The whole dating things bs anyway, well to me . Most people just seem to be chasing their tails over and over, what's the point. Think l'd be much happier just doing my thing until that someone really special comes along.
There was one but she was still pretty messed up from her D so , damn shame but it didn't get past a few mths all up and down with a thud. But at least it was special and worth the try .


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## whitehawk

lenzi said:


> It sounds sorta desperate as if you're saying "I really like you and want to be with you but you don't like me!" It puts him on a pedestal while diminishing your importance to something less than him.
> 
> If a guy is interested, he'll get in touch.
> 
> If you don't hear from a guy after a few dates, just chalk it off to lack of interest or he found someone he likes better.



Exactly :smthumbup:


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## whitehawk

Most of mine have been from my date site so it's damn near impossible to to tell what they really look like or get any natural feel for things. So Meeting's usually been disappointing. Can't beat real life where you actually see someone first and know straight away now her , l would go for.

The only two really worthwhile ones l've met so far were both real world.
One l met looking for an address and we clicked straight away and had some times l'll never forget.
The other one l met having coffee while l was waiting for my car. 
Both of them were exactly what l'd go for and l knew it straight away like you do.

Date sites can be really tricky like that though and really disappointing .


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## Deejo

firebelly1 said:


> This wasn't a problem in the situation I'm whining about. And it wasn't after a first date - it was after being together 5 or 6 times, texting multiple times a day, talking on the phone, etc. There was a lot of contact, and then all of a sudden there was none.


He's met someone else.

I have had exactly one person, out of a hell of lot more than a few ... dates tell me that she met someone that she feels a real connection with and wants to see where it goes. We had 3 dates. I thanked her and wished her the best.

I did this once and then received an onslaught of contact of being told that I was a horrible person for seeing other people, who did I think I was, I strung her along, and what was wrong with her? 

Do you know how you respond to that?

You don't. Because if you do, you are simply inviting more.

We can talk about being an adult all day long ... 'most' people are more than likely going to behave like a child than an adult when told basically ... "I've met someone that I'm more attracted to, and get along with better than you."

So consequently, 'most' people, just go dark and expect that you will figure it out.

I've also been told that ending a dating relationship via text is 'cowardly'. Which once again, I have a pretty good laugh over these days. 

Bottom line, whether someone is noble or a scum-bag ... the outcome remains unchanged, and odds are, you aren't going to feel any better about it regardless of what they do or do not say.

Therefore, most people choose to say nothing.

If I have seen someone more than a few times, I'm going to end it with them over the phone. As for the whole meeting face to face ... why in the name of God anyone thinks that is a good idea I'll just never understand. 

It's important to be a good ender. I've said this many times. It's important to know how to end a relationship, as both the rejector ... and rejectee.

I just don't ever ask questions. Ever. They are pointless. I have no interest in talking someone who isn't into me, out of the fact that they aren't into me. I think it's ok to wonder ... but I certainly don't wonder if it's me. Their stuff. Their life. Their choices.

And by way of example Firebelly, I can tell you outright, most of my dates are 'good' dates ... and I've been on lots. But I have yet to land in a long term relationship. I'm enjoying the journey ...


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## Cooper

Deejo said:


> He's met someone else.
> 
> I have had exactly one person, out of a hell of lot more than a few ... dates tell me that she met someone that she feels a real connection with and wants to see where it goes. We had 3 dates. I thanked her and wished her the best.
> 
> I did this once and then received an onslaught of contact of being told that I was a horrible person for seeing other people, who did I think I was, I strung her along, and what was wrong with her?
> 
> Do you know how you respond to that?
> 
> You don't. Because if you do, you are simply inviting more.
> 
> We can talk about being an adult all day long ... 'most' people are more than likely going to behave like a child than an adult when told basically ... "I've met someone that I'm more attracted to, and get along with better than you."
> 
> So consequently, 'most' people, just go dark and expect that you will figure it out.
> 
> I've also been told that ending a dating relationship via text is 'cowardly'. Which once again, I have a pretty good laugh over these days.
> 
> Bottom line, whether someone is noble or a scum-bag ... the outcome remains unchanged, and odds are, you aren't going to feel any better about it regardless of what they do or do not say.
> 
> Therefore, most people choose to say nothing.
> 
> If I have seen someone more than a few times, I'm going to end it with them over the phone. As for the whole meeting face to face ... why in the name of God anyone thinks that is a good idea I'll just never understand.
> 
> It's important to be a good ender. I've said this many times. It's important to know how to end a relationship, as both the rejector ... and rejectee.
> 
> I just don't ever ask questions. Ever. They are pointless. I have no interest in talking someone who isn't into me, out of the fact that they aren't into me. I think it's ok to wonder ... but I certainly don't wonder if it's me. Their stuff. Their life. Their choices.
> 
> And by way of example Firebelly, I can tell you outright, most of my dates are 'good' dates ... and I've been on lots. But I have yet to land in a long term relationship. I'm enjoying the journey ...


Some good points Deejo

I absolutely agree with learning to be a gracious ender and it needs to be by both parties. I have never once questioned a woman as to why when she has ended things with me, what would be the point? I am confident in myself and if someone doesn't like me or find me attractive it may not make me feel great but it also doesn't shatter me. 

On the other hand I have had several women beg for reasons why I don't want to see them again, and it becomes very awkward, a couple times it has turned ugly on their part with nasty text and emails blasting me. All I can think of at that point is what a land mine I just avoided stepping on. 

Personally I like a bit of closure at the end, a phone call or even a message is fine, and I like to extend the same courtesy. But I have become use to some just going silent or dark, I don't hold it against them, every one has a different comfort zone.


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## unsure78

Cooper said:


> Some good points Deejo
> 
> I absolutely agree with learning to be a gracious ender and it needs to be by both parties. I have never once questioned a woman as to why when she has ended things with me, what would be the point? I am confident in myself and if someone doesn't like me or find me attractive it may not make me feel great but it also doesn't shatter me.
> 
> On the other hand I have had several women beg for reasons why I don't want to see them again, and it becomes very awkward, a couple times it has turned ugly on their part with nasty text and emails blasting me. All I can think of at that point is what a land mine I just avoided stepping on.
> 
> Personally I like a bit of closure at the end, a phone call or even a message is fine, and I like to extend the same courtesy. But I have become use to some just going silent or dark, I don't hold it against them, every one has a different comfort zone.


This actually happened to the guy im dating now with the girl he was seeing before me and he ended it with her not ghosted(note they had only dated on and off for two months, then he met me and wanted to be exclusive with me right away)... he let me read one of the emails (he was asking my opinion on his response) it was just such a sad email..her wanting to know what was wrong with her, he never gave them a chance, ripping him down, blah, blah. ..and they only dated on and off for two months!

Yea at this point actually my rule has become when dating someone (before exclusivity) if I dont get a response to two texts in a row...I wont contact again...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1

Deejo said:


> Bottom line, whether someone is noble or a scum-bag ... the outcome remains unchanged, and odds are, you aren't going to feel any better about it regardless of what they do or do not say.
> 
> .


I appreciate your approach in general Deejo - but I don't agree with this. Yes, being rejected feels bad no matter what, but it would feel better to be given a clean break rather than silence. It really would. Which I think you understand and respect by calling people and being clear that you don't feel it. 

I like the two texts with no response suggestion. This is sorta what happened to me - I texted and got very clipped, short answers and no further initiation of contact on his part. Which I took to mean the same thing.


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## Shoto1984

OK, so just some more thoughts for the mix.. It occurs to me that many people are dating, saying they want a "serious relationship etc when they aren't really ready for it (maybe never will be). So they are serial dating and just running their pattern over and over. Another angle on this is having expectations so high that no one will ever measure up to them. So they meet someone who might normally be a possible match but pretty quickly find enough "wrong" with the person to turn themselves off. I also think there are quite a few out there who actually enjoy the pseudo relationship of emails and texting more then the real thing. 

Beyond those issues, as others have mentioned, its pretty typical for people to shy away from difficult situations. Personally, I hate hurting people and find it very trying to let someone know I'm not feeling it and that I'm moving on. Too much empathy perhaps? 

I also agree that asking why, as much as you want to understand and reconcile the situation in your head, probably doesn't get you anywhere. Its one thing to be told that they have met someone that they think is a better fit for them. Not easy but that's life. I doubt someone is going to come out and say "you're among the worst kissers I've ever met and I just can't deal with that..." or "I think I could find more passion in a corpse" or "I don't know what you're growing down there but its scares me..." Ok, I'm having a little fun with this but that's my point.


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## Deejo

*Re: Re: Good dates going dark*



firebelly1 said:


> I appreciate your approach in general Deejo - but I don't agree with this. Yes, being rejected feels bad no matter what, but it would feel better to be given a clean break rather than silence. It really would. Which I think you understand and respect by calling people and being clear that you don't feel it.
> 
> I like the two texts with no response suggestion. This is sorta what happened to me - I texted and got very clipped, short answers and no further initiation of contact on his part. Which I took to mean the same thing.


I have a code of conduct. Following it, more often than not, means doing something I'd prefer not to have to do, or saying something I'd rather not have to say.

But to the point just made, honesty is NOT always the best policy.

I stopped seeing a woman because I truly couldn't stand the way she smelled. Body, breath, hell even when she wore perfume, I didn't like it. Out of compassion, I'm simply never going to be that honest.


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## firebelly1

Deejo said:


> I have a code of conduct. Following it, more often than not, means doing something I'd prefer not to have to do, or saying something I'd rather not have to say.
> 
> But to the point just made, honesty is NOT always the best policy.
> 
> I stopped seeing a woman because I truly couldn't stand the way she smelled. Body, breath, hell even when she wore perfume, I didn't like it. Out of compassion, I'm simply never going to be that honest.


I get that - which is why I think leaving it at "I'm just not feeling it," is good.


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## firebelly1

Okay guys - I couldn't resist. I've been wondering all week if I have been misreading things so sent him a text telling him I have backed off 'cause I wasn't hearing from him. He texted back to say he has just been in "kid" mode because his son is visiting for the summer but is still really interested in spending time with me. (He has not initiated contact with me for a week.) So...is this now a red flag that the guy is just really sh*tty at communication? Urgh. I hate dating.


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## Vanton68

firebelly1 said:


> Okay guys - I couldn't resist. I've been wondering all week if I have been misreading things so sent him a text telling him I have backed off 'cause I wasn't hearing from him. He texted back to say he has just been in "kid" mode because his son is visiting for the summer but is still really interested in spending time with me. (He has not initiated contact with me for a week.) So...is this now a red flag that the guy is just really sh*tty at communication? Urgh. I hate dating.


RED FLAG! I can be playing with my kids all day, and still take the 5 seconds to send a short text letting someone know I was thinking about them.


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## firebelly1

Vanton68 said:


> RED FLAG! I can be playing with my kids all day, and still take the 5 seconds to send a short text letting someone know I was thinking about them.


That's what I thought.


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## unsure78

Vanton68 said:


> RED FLAG! I can be playing with my kids all day, and still take the 5 seconds to send a short text letting someone know I was thinking about them.


Agree with Vanton.... red flag

Hes just saying it to be nice..its BS... if he wanted to contact you he would have, it takes 2 sec to text someone...this is why I instituted my rule.

Actions not words... he says hes interested but did he show that by texting you this week, no...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poppyseed

I agree... It means, "you are my plan B or plan C in case my plan A didn't / wouldn't work out. Or "just a stop gap until something better comes up" etc...


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## Dollystanford

firebelly1 said:


> Okay guys - I couldn't resist. I've been wondering all week if I have been misreading things so sent him a text telling him I have backed off 'cause I wasn't hearing from him. He texted back to say he has just been in "kid" mode because his son is visiting for the summer but is still really interested in spending time with me. (He has not initiated contact with me for a week.) So...is this now a red flag that the guy is just really sh*tty at communication? Urgh. I hate dating.


If he was interested in spending time with you then he would be. Let this one go. Do not contact again! You said you'd backed off and then you got back on again


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## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> It's important to be a good ender.


I agree. 100%.



unsure78 said:


> Yea at this point actually my rule has become when dating someone (before exclusivity) if I dont get a response to two texts in a row...I wont contact again...


I am similar to you, Unsure. I text/reach out and if no response, I may reach out again. If nada the second time, I become a ghost myself. Chasing people does nothing for me.

And like Deejo I never ask why. If someone tells me they aren't into it (or if they ghost me completely) I just fall back. No point in playing 20 questions. Doesn't make anyone feel good to do that either.



firebelly1 said:


> Okay guys - I couldn't resist. I've been wondering all week if I have been misreading things so sent him a text telling him I have backed off 'cause I wasn't hearing from him. He texted back to say he has just been in "kid" mode because his son is visiting for the summer but is still really interested in spending time with me. (He has not initiated contact with me for a week.) So...is this now a red flag that the guy is just really sh*tty at communication? Urgh. I hate dating.


It means that, once again, he isn't interested.

Please* do not* reach out to him again. He has made it clear he's not that into you and you are going to drive your yourself crazy if you keep reaching out to him.


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## firebelly1

Thanks guys. I think you're all spot on again. I'm assuming he will contact again. There is an event coming up this Saturday night that he had invited me to before and he mentioned it in his text yesterday - that he was still hoping I'd go with him. I'm guessing you would all say if he contacts again I should bug out. And how would you word that?


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## Dollystanford

Say:

'Honey, I will not be any man's half-time, down-time, spare-time or sometimes. So don't waste my time'

*finger snap*


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## Jellybeans

See. Now that's the thing--now you are going to be wondering if he only invited you out because you reached out to him, like a back up plan. :/

If you want to go, go, but my advice is to not get your hopes up too high. He is probably lukewarm about you at best, based on his contact.

Also the fact he blew you off and didn't even respond at all when you told him "I guess this is just a 'just not that into you situation'" is really telling. 

On the flip if you do not want to go out just say "Thank s for the invite but I already have plans. I wasn't sure if it was still on since I had not heard from you and you didn't respond to me." 

Tricky though cause you reached out to him -- again. Oh..


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## Jellybeans

Dollystanford said:


> Say:
> 
> 'Honey, I will not be any man's half-time, down-time, spare-time or sometimes. So don't waste my time'
> 
> *finger snap*


Yeah. Do this.


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## firebelly1

Well...I am actually not opposed to being a guy's part-time or third choice as long as I'm getting something out of it i.e. good sex. And unfortunately, that is not the case here. So not much of a win for me is there? 

The one thing that I'm REALLY debating with myself about is that this event on Saturday is a Tantric group. It's the only one like it in my city and I really want to try it. He is my in. If things go awkward between he and I, I no longer have an "in."


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## Jellybeans

What is a Tantric group? Is that a sex thing?


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## movealong

Don't google images for Tantric at work. Just sayin'....


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## firebelly1

Jellybeans said:


> What is a Tantric group? Is that a sex thing?


As far as I can tell from the description it's working with energy in an erotic way. As in - you place your hands over the other persons body (not touching, just close), including sexual parts, and exchange energy. I know, sounds woo-woo, but I'm curious. I've done energy work before and my experience is that you can affect the energy of other people. So I'm curious to see it done in an erotic way. If you look up "puja" you'll get a better idea.


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## Dollystanford

that sounds fairly intimate for a first or second date lol


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## lenzi

firebelly1 said:


> I'm guessing you would all say if he contacts again I should bug out. And how would you word that?


Why does it matter what any of us say? You had 2 pages of advise saying don't contact him, and you did it anyway.

You're going to go out with him if he invites you regardless of what anyone here says, and you know this.


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## Cooper

firebelly1 said:


> Well...I am actually not opposed to being a guy's part-time or third choice as long as I'm getting something out of it i.e. good sex. And unfortunately, that is not the case here. So not much of a win for me is there?
> 
> The one thing that I'm REALLY debating with myself about is that this event on Saturday is a Tantric group. It's the only one like it in my city and I really want to try it. He is my in. If things go awkward between he and I, I no longer have an "in."


 Firebelly if you're a decent looking woman just go stand in front of the building, SOMEONE will invite you in!:smthumbup:


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## firebelly1

lenzi said:


> Why does it matter what any of us say? You had 2 pages of advise saying don't contact him, and you did it anyway.
> 
> You're going to go out with him if he invites you regardless of what anyone here says, and you know this.


Well...as it turned out he texted to tell me the thing is on Friday and not Saturday as I originally thought and I used the opportunity to tell him I already had plans (I don't.) 

But...sometimes I ask a question specific to the case at hand and sometimes I'm asking because I want to know how to address this type of situation in the future.


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## firebelly1

Cooper said:


> Firebelly if you're a decent looking woman just go stand in front of the building, SOMEONE will invite you in!:smthumbup:


Well...you're probably right.  But a) he would be there. Awkward. and b) you actually have to ask the facilitator ahead of time because she tries to ensure that there's an equal number of men and women.


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## Jellybeans

lenzi said:


> Why does it matter what any of us say? You had 2 pages of advise saying don't contact him, and you did it anyway.
> 
> You're going to go out with him if he invites you regardless of what anyone here says, and you know this.


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## BeachGuy

And this is why I'm not looking forward to being single. Mind GAMES!!! Just like high school. Ugh!


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## SamuraiJack

BeachGuy said:


> And this is why I'm not looking forward to being single. Mind GAMES!!! Just like high school. Ugh!


Sadly it only gets better with a minor percentage of the population. Most are still stuck on whatever age tlevision panders to...


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