# Strategy to win her back?



## fuggedup (Jun 21, 2013)

I posted earlier about how I thought my wife was having an affair. So I have now ruled that out infidelity..or no longer care at this point.

I just truly want her back and am gonna fight with everything in my power. The reason she left me is because I treated her badly.. I never cheated or layed a hand on her..but i was over controlling, hypercritical and unsympathic of her depression... I was selfish...cold..got angry.. the list goes on...My strategy is to behave in everyway diferenent than I had before.. 

I also told her I thought this seperation is a good idea but that i m not willing to give up on her. And whatever happens Im still there for her...after all ...most of marriage is really companionship and friendship.. right? Build the trust back! 

The other part is to stand back and be patient. Give her space. Let her call or text... We have a son and are two blocks from another now so we have to see each other a lot.. things now are very cordial..with a few heart to hearts... we see a counselor Tuesday.

Any other advice? Need it contructive and positive and BTW Im secular.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If she's having an affair, you won't win her back until you crush the affair.

First things first.


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## fuggedup (Jun 21, 2013)

OKay lets just assume she isn't having an affair...

I cant prove it ....without going full on stalker or PI mode..and plus the guy is oversees right now ..with his wife...for a month.


whats my strategy to win her back? 

BTW .. Im no slacker..good job....nice house...great dad ..very fit.. I can just be a bit of an assholio.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Well the first step would be to find out. If he is oversees she must be using a computer. I believe a voice activated recorder under her car seat and a keylogger on the computer will get you the information you seek.

If she is cheating, you tell OMW with evidence before even confronting your wife. This will increase the odds of the affair blowing up. The affair must be crushed for any chance at all at winning her back.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

The guy can be overseas but if she's having an affair with him, even if it's solely an emotional one, it doesn't matter that he's not physically present. He's in her mind all the time and she's probably in communication with him. Follow GP's advice. Check your phone records too.

You sound like you are doing the right things: acknowledging your mistakes, improving yourself, doing the 180, getting counseling.

In your MC sessions, make sure you know where the counselor stands on marriage. Don't get hooked up with a counselor who is just going to validate a wife's feeling the need to leave a marriage. And just make sure you listen to your wife, even if you have to bite your tongue at times. 

Letting her know your intentions to keep the marriage intact is good, but don't go overboard on making it clear it is your mission at all costs. She may think you are just saying what she wants to hear in order to not lose her. Show her that you will be okay on your own, too. And let her know what you want out of the marriage, too. She'll respect you for making your own needs known in a constructive way.

But you may need to dig further about the affair. If it exists, then MC could be largely be a farce. In fact your wife might have only agreed to it as a vehicle to ease you into separation. Try to get her to commit to multiple sessions. 

Keep up the fighting spirit..


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## fuggedup (Jun 21, 2013)

Thats was the first bit of good advice ive had... thanks..

first of all He is her boss and so they are always messaging/ emailing back and forth.. I read though all that I could and coudnt find anything remotely romantic...secondly... the man in question...came to me and apologized profusley that absolutley nothing is happening or will ever happen.... He seemed sincere..

That aside.... I think your right...there is plenty I want her to work on ...btw I live in a no fault state.. she could just admit it and it would be all over.. ( I couldnt deal)


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

fuggedup said:


> Thats was the first bit of good advice ive had... thanks..
> 
> first of all He is her boss and so they are always messaging/ emailing back and forth.. I read though all that I could and coudnt find anything remotely romantic...secondly... the man in question...came to me and apologized profusley that absolutley nothing is happening or will ever happen.... He seemed sincere..
> 
> That aside.... I think your right...there is plenty I want her to work on ...btw I live in a no fault state.. she could just admit it and it would be all over.. ( I couldnt deal)


Anytime you have contact outside of just the A (whether EA or PA), makes if very difficult to break. ESP if it is work related. As most of other posters have said over and over, you need to separate them, and having a relationship (even if it's work related) makes NC impossible. You will have to figure out if it's worth the costs (income now vs expense later, ie alimony).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tell me about her depression and how much that affected your treatment of her.


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## fuggedup (Jun 21, 2013)

Her depression killled me. I am the most energetic, happy go lucky person I know.. I never get depressed and When i do I go for some exercise. She would lay in bed for 6-7 hours during a warm sunny day... I would be disgusted with that... this wasnt always the case... before the birth of out son she was way more energetic and lively. The mono was followed by the CFS and exasperated it by 10 fold and she was borderline suicidal.. ( Half the medical profession feels Chronic Fatigue syndrome is all mental and linked to depression) the other half feels its a legimate immune defciency that causes poeple to get really sick and then depressed because of it.... The other factor to this is Her dad is a MAJOR hyperchondriac... so half the time I was really suppportive.. the other half I wasnt... and she knew I was disapointed with the situtaion


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