# The effect of social networking and texts messages with regards to affairs.



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Been wondering how many less affairs would happen if no text messages or social networking was available. Just a thought.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

"An astonishing 80% of U.S. divorce lawyers report that social media evidence is now cited in divorce cases as one of the many reasons a marriage comes crashing to an end. One in five doomed married couples cite Facebook by name in their divorce proceedings, according to a recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers."

Facebook Destroys Marriages


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I'd hit the like button on your post, but I only like that you scoped it out. I DON'T like that so much of the underhanded contact and duplicitious joy of cheating right under the nose of your spouse is so prevalent thanks to texts. Of course, I'm jaded, since my h practically attached his finger to his phone to be on call to text the ***** every time she waved her crook'd finger at him.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

There was plenty of adultery before the advent of social media; divorces were just harder to get. As they say, where there's a will, there's a way, unfortunately.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My H's Ex.Mistress continued to 'reach out', sending little messages, life updates etc a couple of times a year for NEARLY 12 years!! My H never replied until she caught him at a very weak time. It took 3 mails for him to be asking her to open a 'secret account' so I wouldn't find out. 

Yes, lack of morality, weakness etc play a part. If it hadn't been her & some other random woman was in the right place at the right time it could of happened too. 

It's just interesting when you think about it. 

Affairs are fantasy & emails, texts, Facebook, any of it, offers that 'step back' from reality. Also, if it's that bit removed does it negate the normal warning sirens that tell us we're headed in a bad direction. Is it easier to accidentally slip & fall onto a computer than a real life *#%€?? Is it easier to have the chemicals drowning out reality & common sense accidentally released while people are telling themselves "It's just messaging. It's not REAL".


1. Computer stuff can be very addictive. Is the high amplified by the act of pressing those buttons & hitting send? Amplified by the anticipation of the next message allert? 

2. If it were snail mail my H would of had a delay to really think about what he was doing by replying to her. 

3. Texting, emailing does create a faster intimacy than 'real life' in my experience. It's the easiest medium to 'woo' someone. It's a form/feeling of anonymity. 

4. It's easier to create a storybook romance in words. Not only the psychological impact of the written word but also....REALLY!! Have you ever read out-load the complete & utter cheesy crap that affair partners write to eachother? A sane person would laugh if a real person looked them in the eye & said some of that stuff!


Dating sites can be fantastic for lonely singles searching for 'the 1' but pure evil in a hand wearing a wedding ring. It's like free prostitution for many! Yep! Technology makes it all a lot easier but we all know where the off switch is!! Weak individuals with no boundaries looking for a little ego boost are ripe pickings & you don't need a computer to tell you that!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Let's take a moment and contemplate the 1989 novel "Bonfire of the Vanities" written by Tom Wolf. The first pivotal moment in the book was where the main character was desperate to leave the apartment so that he could get to a pay phone to call his mistress.

No novel set in the present these days would have the moment. 

Maybe someone has done a rigourous comparison between then and now.

What I like about now is that it's possible to gather so much information about someone with just a few keystrokes.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

Augusto said:


> Been wondering how many less affairs would happen if no text messages or social networking was available. Just a thought.


Maybe, but no social metworking would also mean fewer people meeting the partner they want to spend their lives with.

A less connected world has fewer connections full stop.

And it goes without saying that if people want to cheat, they will.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I think it's a bit of both sides.

On one hand, a cheater will cheat if they want to. It happened before the internet, and before phones.

On the other, I think a fair amount of people who may not have otherwise been looking can and will be tempted (though I think if one would cheat under those circumstances, they'd likely cheat eventually, anyway). I suppose it just makes it easier.

That said, texting and FB messages and the internet in general lends itself to anonymity (to a certain degree) as well as built-in excuses and the benefit of the doubt.

For example, my wife was sent a picture of one of her FB friends d***, quickly followed by him saying "OMG, I meant to send that to my girlfriend, please delete that blah blah blah".

So yes, it's possible it was accidental, and I'd like to believe so, BUT, it could also very well have been a calculated risk this guy made. Same goes with texting and other forms of electronic communications that don't involve face-to-face or voice communication. In other words, it's VERY easy to claim it was an accident, or meant for somebody else, or more commonly, "that's not what I meant!"

I believe this new way of communicating with people lends itself very very easily to this type of thing. We all know that it's pretty unlikely some dude will flash his d*** at a woman in real life (though it does happen...) and try to claim it was accidental, or wasn't meant for her. But when you do it electronically, it creates enough doubt in ones mind that it WAS accidental or meant for somebody else.


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## Learning2Fly (Oct 11, 2015)

Removed myself completely from social media after my, now ex-wife, left me for a "high school friend" that she rekindled things with on FB. Too much drama and not enough positive things about FB for me to see staying on. Plus, I don't have much interest in talking to people I knew 25 years ago. If it was meant to be, I'd still be talking to them now regardless of FB.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Actually is kind of a trade off. My wife had an LTA for two years back in the late 80's. I only found out a couple of years ago! Affairs were way easier to hide back then. No phone history, no Internet history, no itemized phone bills, no Spokeo, no Internet searching, no VAR, GPS tracking, etc. etc. I never suspected anything for two years. And even if I had, I could have NEVER have proven anything much less catch her. 

Fast forward to a few years ago and everthing has changed. Yes texting and social media allowed her to stay in constant contact with the POS OM, something you could never do before, but it was also her downfall. She forgot that every freaking text message showed up on our wireless bill. All 2,000 a month. And I guess she never realized that with that phone number I could find out EVERYTHING I needed to know about the OM on the Internet, more than she knew about him. Once I knew what I was looking for, it was easy, I found out everything and for the most part she has no idea how. 

So yes, modern technology does present more opportunities, and different ways to facilitate affairs, but at the same time it's very, very hard to cover up your tracks now a days.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Facebook or the bar in town? Either works for the determined cheater.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Like Harry said, affairs were easier to hide in the old days.

That said, I think my ex bonded more and sooner with his AP because they texted each other multiple times per day, talked on their cell phones whenever he was driving around, sent each photos of rings and wedding venues and such on their cell phones... It was a LDR, so the modern technologies made it easier to connect on a regular basis.

Back to Harry's point, I caught them because of a text she sent him late one night when he left his phone unguarded. My ex doesn't "get" Facebook, or he'd have probably had an affair sooner than he did. His AP went to high school with him. He now has several female Friends on FB who also went to high school with him. Normal for most people, except I found in my snooping stage after DDay that he sent all of them private messages trying to "reconnect." This after he ran into the AP at a funeral in his home town and they started their affair. Already looking for a Plan B, because it turns out she has no socially redeeming features except for her willingness to throw herself at him.

Mid-Life Crisis, anyone? It doesn't occur to me and never has to look up guys I knew in high school, or college for that matter. As someone else said, if they were so important, I wouldn't have fallen out of touch with them in the first place. But Facebook brings them right to your computer screen. And when you're desperately trying to regain your lost youth, what better way than to finally bang that cute girl in your algebra class? Even though she's just kind of swelled over the years and has partial dentures, now. It all looks the same in the dark.

I'd say they're childish for doing this, but that would give children a bad name.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BrokenLady said:


> *Affairs are fantasy* & emails, texts, Facebook, any of it, offers that *'step back' from reality*.


Agreed. But in less than 2 weeks time, my WW re-connected on F--kBook with her college BF straight to the Hotel Room. Granted, she had been secretly cheating on me for years with a couple of other OM and knew the route fairly well. In the end, it seemed pretty real to me.


BrokenLady said:


> 4. It's easier to create a storybook romance in words. Not only the psychological impact of the written word but also....REALLY!! *Have you ever read out-load the complete & utter cheesy crap that affair partners write to each other?*


Agreed again. She wanted to R. I asked her to read to me out-loud the Email between her and her AP. A load of sexual laced dream-ville crap for sure, still painful to accept.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Cheating was nothing new prior to the advent of the advancements of social media!

All that the technology of social media has done is to offer services that sure as hell make cheating so much damned easier to commit ~ and conversely, just a hell of a lot easier to catch in the proverbial act thereof!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Consider what social media and new technology allows a cheating spouse to do that wasn't possible 25 years ago:

- To keep in constant communication at all hours with the ability to delete messages.

- The special "Hello/I love you's" when they get up, after work, and before they go to bed.

- The ability to plan trysts at a moment's notice.

- The ability to contact each other at the work place without suspicion.

- The ability to send naked pictures.

- The ability to warn the AP if the BS is near or getting close to discovery.

- Burner phones that allow complete anonymity.

- The ability to deepen and sustain relationships through constant "romantic/sexual" electronic interaction.

- The greater opportunity to find a new AP on-line and to quickly develop the A through sexting.

- The ability to find and connect with exes, or past BF/GF's. 

But the BS's can take heart, that by the same token; electronic trails can more easily be discovered through due diligence. Exactly the reason why I never advise a potential BS to hesitate to fight fire with fire.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

In my husband's case Facebook played a HUGE part in his infidelity. He had poor boundaries outside of facebook and I know said/did things he should not have said/done in person as well. But FB allowed him the opportunity to build the emotional affair with another woman easily. You can say things when you are "chatting" online much easier than you would if you are doing so in person. It also made it easier for me to discover it was going on- find proof. I definitely think social media has changed the ways that we relate to others.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Does it really make a difference? I mean technology isn't going anywhere so it's the past, present and future for everything so social media for cheating is the norm nowadays. Just my two cents worth.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I believe social media facilitates many affairs which would otherwise not have happened. Might those people eventually have cheated anyway? Some may have, but others would not have. Someone who is vulnerable to cheating will not cheat if the opportunity isn't there.

The number of affairs which begin with an old flame contacting them on Facebook, linkedin, email, or other modern mode is huge. Huge. Many of those affairs would never have happened otherwise.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

One thing that was useful for me when having a productive conversation with my (future) husband regarding his special friend is that I had primary evidence of the substance of his friendship with his so called friend.

Otherwise, his saying "she's just a friend" would have closed down any discussion. Yes, I could have walked away but still wondering what exactly did go on.

With social media and other messaging systems (ie texting, e-mailing) I was able to see a lot of detail and knew better what I was dealing with.

Even if I had to walk away from the relationship with my (future) husband, I would have been better informed about those sorts of "friendships" for situations in the future.

Let IT be free........ I think the advantages here outweigh the disadvantages. Anyone who is unhappy in a marriage can leave and easily find a whole new group of people to hang with and date.

That's better than staying trapped in an unhappy relationship........ the intelligence gleaned from Social media and elsewhere can hasten this necessary step to happiness for both parties.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> One thing that was useful for me when having a productive conversation with my (future) husband regarding his special friend is that I had primary evidence of the substance of his friendship with his so called friend.
> 
> *Otherwise, his saying  "she's just a friend" would have closed down any discussion.* Yes, I could have walked away but still wondering what exactly did go on.
> 
> ...


*Please inform the "uninformed!" Exactly what does a "married" man or woman need with an opposite sex "friend" that necessitates them to have to meet in private, other than to expose to each other's delight "the heavy burden" that they are carrying between their thighs! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *Please inform the "uninformed!" Exactly what does a "married" man or woman need with an opposite sex "friend" that necessitates them to have to meet in private, other than to expose to each other's delight "the heavy burden" that they are carrying between their thighs! *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was unearthing that relationship while we were still dating. But still, if you don't know the details, what more can you say after they say "He /She is just a friend."

And imagine if they punctuate it with "So just get over it."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I was unearthing that relationship while we were still dating. But still, if you don't know the details, what more can you say after they say "He /She is just a friend."
> 
> And imagine if they punctuate it with "So just get over it."


*The preemptive adjective in my previous post was "married!" Not single and unencumbered!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

This is an interesting subject area and one I have often thought about.

Some years ago, when they were still alive, I was talking to my grandparents and my Grandfather showed me a dictionary that was gifted to him by his headmaster at primary school before he left to move to a nearby town in Wales. The hand-written message in the front wished him luck on his 'journey' to his new town. The ridiculous part of this is that the 'journey' was actually 25 miles away. My grandfather explained that back in those days few people left the village and due to the lack of cars and communications, 25 miles was a huge distance back then.

The world, certainly for those living outside cities, was tiny.

Fast forward to when my parents were newlyweds. Now, my dad is a bit of a cad and had his fair share of affairs. My mum told me years later that she knew about some of his flings but turned a blind eye, until that was he found someone he wanted full time. Anyway, this period they had cars although air travel was still novel for most and hideously expensive, they had landline phones but no mobiles and there was of course no internet. That he had a car enabled him to commute to work (probably 15-20 miles away) so the world was certainly bigger than in my Grandparents day but only the radius had changed and increased by 30 miles or so. His affairs were almost all with people he socialised with, worked with, worked for or knew through various societies he belonged to. 

Nowadays the entire world is tiny. With SMS and Internet, it's possible to cultivate relationships with complete strangers on the other side of the planet. And when you do, air travel isn't as prohibitive as it once was so meeting for real is a very real 'carrot'. As has been mentioned here, the 'always on' factor of the internet allows almost constant communication which accelerates relationships dramatically however also makes it far more likely to be caught.

It's also made lying a more full-time hobby. Back in the days, someone would say 'I'm at a conference' and that would be that. Nowadays, they will have to concoct various reasons why they can't answer texts or calls at certain times, make sure location services are off and hope that none of the 'expenses' filters through to a paper statement dropping through the door or pinging up on their wife's iPad....

But the key thing for me, and this is something that was touched on earlier in this thread - is that whilst folk like my Dad would have always hunted out that excitement of an affair - others, who may not have been looking for anything in the 'small world', are now subject to temptations thrown in their faces in the big internet-facing world. People at a low ebb may suddenly have old flames contact them. People from work or business may get their cell phone number and send them flirty text messages. If their guard slips and they talk about something that upsets them, it is easy for even the most steel-hearted sociopath to text back 'Awww darling, I feel for you so much. I just wish I could give you a hug and it will all be alright'...and it will seem like a genuine connection and not the tactical move which will see the 'hugs' turn into something altogether more suggestive over the next 100 texts.

People can get drawn in far easier,and once in it is far harder to get out - as people rarely change their mobile number, close down their facebook page, stop playing whatever online game they enjoy. 

I still think affairs are most common on a local level, but the empowerment of social media and technology is downright scary.

As for my dad - in case you were wondering - his last affair ended a number of years back when it was busted open by his affairs children finding some of his emails on their mum's PC. Ironically, technology and the risks involved appear to have moved him away from that behaviour altogether - oh, and his bad back!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I don't think the introduction of social media had as much of an impact as the widespread use of cellular phones. Being a man of a certain age, I remember vividly the days of landlines, where if a WW or WH wanted to contact the AP, they would call the house and hope the BS would not answer. And if they did, they would hangup. But too many hangup calls would tip off the BS. And then with the advent of caller ID, anonimous calls became impossible.

Small, portable cellular phones (not the early "bag" phones) made connections much easier and covert. My fWW had Affairs with coworkers, so she always had an excuse as to why they were calling her cell. She could also send short text messages to set up private calls for later. And she could lock the phone to prevent discovery.

As others have mentioned, I think social media (as well as search engines like google) have made it so much easier to be tempted to look up old crushes from school, old BGs/GFs, etc. And it escalates from there.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Brad Paisley got it exactly right. This is how many affairs happen with social media.

https://youtu.be/4Gc30PPvs3M



> She was looking at shoes on Amazon
> A pop-up ad said find anyone
> She thought about the first boy that she loved
> Just a couple clicks and there he was
> ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

With cell phones and the internet essentially eliminating the physical barriers of time and distance, the built in social firewalls, leaving a world where almost anyone can communicate anything they want with anyone, or everyone, at any time, and anywhere, humanity has never had such a need for individual self control and self accountability. Unfortunately, we see many people who are not capable of either.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Social networking doesn't destroy marriages. Cheating does.

Cheaters existed before technology. You'd have to remove ALL technology going back to the telegraph to reduce the technological impact. All that technology does it make it easier to discover and verify an affair - tech leaves trails.

If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way, just like they always have. Besides, cheating is a small part of the way tech is used - you'd eliminate all the good as well. So, it's a ridiculous fantasy, IMO.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Social networking doesn't destroy marriages. Cheating does.
> 
> Cheaters existed before technology. You'd have to remove ALL technology going back to the telegraph to reduce the technological impact. All that technology does it make it easier to discover and verify an affair - tech leaves trails.
> 
> If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way, just like they always have. Besides, cheating is a small part of the way tech is used - you'd eliminate all the good as well. So, it's a ridiculous fantasy, IMO.


Technical advances revolutionize many many fields, not just socialization. And new technologies and innovations can be abused and put to uses that were never envisioned by any of the inventors. But you can't blame the technology for the way it's used.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Consider what social media and new technology allows a cheating spouse to do that wasn't possible 25 years ago:
> 
> - To keep in constant communication at all hours with the ability to delete messages.
> 
> ...


BadMemory has some great points.

Here are the problems we now face: 
Where are boundaries?
Where is integrity?
Where is the moral compass?
Where is one's ability to look at oneself and not be happy with what you are doing?
Where are the consequences?

Technology just gets abused by those that want to cheat.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

snerg said:


> BadMemory has some great points.
> 
> Here are the problems we now face:
> Where are boundaries?
> ...


Full access to anyone, anywhere, any time with minimal effort. Of course technology is not the cause. It is people's lack of self control, and as I said earlier, what technology has done is remove the built in limitations of time and distance.

In the past, a determined cheater would cheat for sure, but for many people in many aspects of their lives, the only reason they don't do things is because they are essentially lazy and can't be bothered to put in the effort.

The easier things become, the less laziness is a factor, and that is where self control and self accountability comes in, and sadly, an awful lot of people don't have much of either when they need it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The original question was whether more affairs are occurring as a result of social media. My observation is definitely yes, more affairs are occurring as a result. These people may be predisposed to cheat but were lazy or just didn't have a clear opportunity. Some of these cheaters may never have intended to cheat but due to poor boundaries they cross the line when a situation occurs. While these people are not ideal spouses, prior to social media they would not have cheated.

Those who are actively interested in cheating probably find the playing field easier than before due to social media, but most of them would have cheated anyway.

There is the flip side where the social media can expose cheaters. My sister discovered her fiance was on numerous dating sites and using some social media to make contacts with affair partners. Probing social media also can reveal important information about someone who is a potential future partner.

There is certainly the full spectrum of good and bad uses of social media.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Another things which help, is the no fault divorce.

No legal consequences, help to do wrong things.

If we begin to take as a personality issue, in family court, infidellity (lack or low boundaries, exposing relatives to health risk,ect ), you will have less affairs.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

BrokenLady said:


> 1. Computer stuff can be very addictive. Is the high amplified by the act of pressing those buttons & hitting send? Amplified by the anticipation of the next message allert?


(1) convenience. one doesn't have to act hard or go anywhere but the security of ones' own space.

(2) speed of reply. Can keep that low edge person-to-person contact high just simmering along. and at low risk, and low interference.

(3) security. Own space, get to dictate the when's and where's, don't have to pony up to be entertaining, or uncomfortable. The fantasy has full space to work.

It's not accidental. Engineers design these tools; Salespeople and people managers think up more things they think people will want to use. And the easiest sell? Is just to digitalise something you are already doing...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Thor said:


> There is the flip side where the social media can expose cheaters. My sister discovered her fiance was on numerous dating sites and using some social media to make contacts with affair partners. Probing social media also can reveal important information about someone who is a potential future partner.
> 
> There is certainly the full spectrum of good and bad uses of social media.


The dating site thing isn't really a red flag unless they're using it.
Often people sign up to see whose doing things in the area. Or what kind of popularity the area/interest is getting. A lot of people used to just sign up for the quizzes. Or even just on a lark.
One of the reasons it used to be difficult finding genuine people via the sites - most were curious or whack jobs.
But with the falling in social skills, more genuine people, and more average people get listed. things like "gold accounts" and top photos are signs of a genuine playa.


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