# Is there anyone truly in an honest loving relationship?



## ijustwantadecentguy (Jun 30, 2013)

All I have seen and experienced is damaged people with secrets and issues, people who cheat people who live double lives, people who are afraid of commitment, I am 25 years old I was in a very unhealthy marriage before and I am just wondering if its even possible to find a good man who genuinely loves you and doesn't take you for granted or betray you in any way, don't tell u have seen happy people on Facebook pictures lol, most people are faking it everyday but have you experienced it meaning are you in that relationship right now? Is it a strong great love?


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm in a really great relationship now. However, I think sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven. At least then you have a good reference point to know what's good, and what's not.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

ijustwantadecentguy said:


> All I have seen and experienced is damaged people with secrets and issues, people who cheat people who live double lives, people who are afraid of commitment, I am 25 years old I was in a very unhealthy marriage before and I am just wondering if its even possible to find a good man who genuinely loves you and doesn't take you for granted or betray you in any way, don't tell u have seen happy people on Facebook pictures lol, most people are faking it everyday but have you experienced it meaning are you in that relationship right now? Is it a strong great love?


I think I am. But it doesn't mean you don't have problems. My Husband have been on a business trip for little over 2 weeks and he has done 2 things WHILE AWAY to highly piss me off. But it still doesn't mean we don't honestly love each other. It just means he got some 'splaining to do when he get home. After ... umm ... certain other things are taken care of ... like unpacking and stuff like that


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

My wife and are in a happy, loving relationship. 

We've known each other for 25 years and been married for 20.

My wife and I, our love has not ebbed and flowed... We've never had a major fight. We don't even have a lot of minor disagreements. Never been any shouting.

We are best lovers, best friends and we have a ton of respect for each other. 

A great contributor to our success is that their just isn't a lot of room for disagreement. We feel the same way about money, religion, politics, child rearing etc. etc.

Another secret to our success is that I pretty much let her run the show... Why? Because I trust her and she handles all the details I don't want to be bothered with. When we have major issues... like buying a car.. we make a joint decision. If she needs my input on an issue, she'll ask for it. If I want to interject my opinion on something she listens and considers it. My wife has great judgment. 

The two things people fight about the most are money and sex. Sex has never been a problem... We still hit it like drunk monkeys. And money... we can manage our money better than anybody I know. I made a good living and she knows how to stretch a dollar. 

Our home... my wife creates a wonderful, welcoming atmosphere. We have friends over all the time and all our kids friends love to be at our house. Hardly a night passes that we don't have at least one extra kid here. 

I LOVE my life.... 

My advice to you is to be yourself. Don't jump through hoops to get a guy to marry you. Just be yourself and let a guy fall in love with you for what you are!.. Then, you don't have to fake it after you are married! Second, marry someone you like... as well as love. That intense lust phase will eventually fade.. and if you're married to someone you like, someone you like talking to and spending time with... You won't mind being married to them... And finally, marry someone you have a lot in common with... Makes for less friction. And.. TALK about things like how you'll manage money, raise kids, etc, etc BEFORE you marry them.


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## ijustwantadecentguy (Jun 30, 2013)

hambone said:


> My wife and are in a happy, loving relationship.
> 
> We've known each other for 25 years and been married for 20.
> 
> ...


Wow sounds so beautiful 😊😊


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

If you are looking for a potential future husband, I would also make sure you each have similar love languages as it will be easier to consistently meet each others needs and desires.

I had a 9 year marriage that was literally sheer hell. This time around, I was a bit wiser with my selection of a wife. For me, she is fantastic. Two imperfect people who can be gentle, loving, kind, and forgiving toward one-another.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

ijustwantadecentguy said:


> Wow sounds so beautiful &#55357;&#56842;&#55357;&#56842;


My wife is great. Let me clarify, since we agree on everything.. she runs home just like I'd run it..

And if just casually mention something to her... Like.. "Wow, wouldn't it be fun to do so and so". puff, we're doing it.

Or, "I wish I had a so and so"... Poof.. it shows up. 

She really caters to me... What's to complain about? For example... When we eat, she fixes my plate and brings my plate of food to me.. And after meals, I clear the table and put all the stuff up...

My wife takes care of me..

I LOVE my life...


On the other hand, she has always been a SAHM.. and when our kids were little... she had a maid! So, I take care of her too.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I have a fantastic marriage. We've been married 13 years now and we both put our marriage as our number 1 priority.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

I'm really happy in my marriage. 20 years, and 5 kids with the same man. It isn't always easy, and all marriages have ups and downs.

We both come from traditional families, who's parents aren't divorced. I think that makes a difference. We have a good idea of what a marriage is. Love is a decision, not a feeling. It also gives a person a better perspective on choosing a spouse. Marrying strippers or drug dealers would never make ANY sense to people like us.

That alone doesn't cut it for sure. What makes a BIG difference is that my husband has a lot of faith. He can be a nightmare, abusive, and impossible, but his faith makes him completely committed and dedicated to his family. We are loved and protected by his constant prayers. His personality wouldn't really make me feel like he loves me, but his strength and faith makes us feel loved no matter what he does (most of the time).

I'm far from perfect, but he loves me the way I am. My kids are healthy and happy and that is all I want in life. I think a good loving selfless mother makes all the difference in the world for a person's success in life.

A man that has a bad relationship with his mother is a bad sign. So is porn, drinking, drugs etc. The problem is that you don't always really know a person, especially a sneaky one, even after years of marriage.

Just trust that people are human, and you won't be so disappointed. God is the only one that will never disappoint. I trusted that God would give the man that was meant for me, he did. Sometimes I did tell God, "what were you thinking". Haha


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

As far as I know, my husband and I are completely open with each other. It's because we both value honesty and find it essential to a healthy marriage. I believe, if you're a person who wants total transparency, you have to find a partner who values the same things. And you have to be willing to practice it yourself, even in tough situations.

My husband and I have had some very difficult conversations about issues in our relationship. Conversations that made us furious, sad, anxious, you name it, due to being completely honest with each other. But since we are committed to resolving our issues from the root, those conversations have only brought us closer when all was said and done. And we have always been mutually respectful. I think that helps.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ijustwantadecentguy said:


> All I have seen and experienced is damaged people with secrets and issues, people who cheat people who live double lives, people who are afraid of commitment, I am 25 years old I was in a very unhealthy marriage before and* I am just wondering if its even possible to find a good man who genuinely loves you and doesn't take you for granted or betray you in any way,* don't tell u have seen happy people on Facebook pictures lol, most people are faking it everyday but have you experienced it meaning are you in that relationship right now? Is it a strong great love?


Yes, it is possible to find such a person.
But part of the equation is _being_ the right person.
Never be in a hurry , and you will find the right person.
You don't _have_ to pass through any hell, but if you have , focus on where you think you went wrong and work on yourself.

Doing so will help you choose better the next time.
In the meantime, enjoy your single life.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ijustwantadecentguy said:


> but have you experienced it meaning are you in that relationship right now?


Yes. I have a 41st anniversary coming up. I didn't come to TAM because my marriage was failing. I came to TAM because religious and idealogical differences were causing a great deal of friction with extended family and we were being drawn into it.





ijustwantadecentguy said:


> Is it a strong great love?


Strong, great love shifts and transforms in a long term relationship as both of you change and grow. If you don't allow it to transform with you, you'll lose it.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> I'm really happy in my marriage. 20 years, and 5 kids with the same man. It isn't always easy, and all marriages have ups and downs.
> 
> We both come from traditional families, who's parents aren't divorced. I think that makes a difference. We have a good idea of what a marriage is. Love is a decision, not a feeling. It also gives a person a better perspective on choosing a spouse. Marrying strippers or drug dealers would never make ANY sense to people like us.
> 
> ...


You've got some good points. 

I would second your point to marry someone who comes from a stable family. My observation is that a lot of men from broken homes don't know how to be a husband and dad. 

In our family, when someone makes a mistake... we don't make a big issue of it... We fix the problem and we move on. To teach our kids a life lesson, we let them fix their own problems. They forget to return their book to the library on time. It would go like this, "Mom... (or dad), I forgot to return this book on time." Mom (or dad), "OK, we'll just return it tomorrow.. don't forget to take a quarter!". We NEVER fix their problems for them and then yell and scream at them as punishment. Their punishment is fixing their own problem. 

We know each other's strengths and weakness and we play to each other's strengths. We don't pound each other over our inadequacies. We accept them and work around them. That's called respect. When you love someone... you don't humiliate them by publically criticizing them. Before we let our spouse look foolish... we will discretely correct them. 

And one final point. Neither of us is focused on who has the power. Our focus is making the best decision possible for our family. If we have a difficult decision... we will spend a lot of time discussing the pros and cons of our choices. AND, we let our kids watch the decision making process. Remember, focus on the best choice... not who's winning the discussion. 

We are so in sync that we really don't have to "work at it".


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> I'm really happy in my marriage. 20 years, and 5 kids with the same man. It isn't always easy, and all marriages have ups and downs.
> 
> We both come from traditional families, who's parents aren't divorced. I think that makes a difference. We have a good idea of what a marriage is. Love is a decision, not a feeling. It also gives a person a better perspective on choosing a spouse. Marrying strippers or drug dealers would never make ANY sense to people like us.
> 
> ...


 I asked & my wife, said our marriage was adequate. also it is a good marriage. of course we have nothing better to do now.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

It's possible...you just have to marry someone with strong character and compatible values/goals in life. Finding that person is easier said than done however.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Yes


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Laila8 said:


> It's possible...you just have to marry someone with strong character and compatible values/goals in life. Finding that person is easier said than done however.


I agree and would add, finding that person AND being passionate in love with that person... now that makes for a blissful marriage.

You have to be patient... When I found my wife... I was pretty bound and determined that I was never marrying again.. 

I found someone that I could not resist.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

olwhatsisname said:


> I asked & my wife, said our marriage was adequate. also it is a good marriage. of course we have nothing better to do now.


I'm a great husband but me and my mothers relationship is not the best. The reason is, my mothers priorities and viewpoint for me does not work for me, she does not understand me. I was most successful when she was not in or near my life. I feel she would diminish me in a heartbeat to any new female in my life, there are some actions that she has also taken which just shows she was suiting her best interest when it comes to me and not going to give me what I need.

In the end, it's another human being on this earth whose values may not align with yours and can cause you setbacks, loss and pain.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

ijustwantadecentguy said:


> All I have seen and experienced is damaged people with secrets and issues, people who cheat people who live double lives, people who are afraid of commitment, I am 25 years old I was in a very unhealthy marriage before and I am just wondering if its even possible to find a good man who genuinely loves you and doesn't take you for granted or betray you in any way, don't tell u have seen happy people on Facebook pictures lol, most people are faking it everyday but have you experienced it meaning are you in that relationship right now? Is it a strong great love?


You have unrealistic expectations, and will be disappointed for the rest of your life if you don't change your perceptions. There's no such thing as the guy you want. Oh, he exists. He's called a "nice guy" and once you have him, you will eventually grow dissatisfied with him and the relationship. 

You cannot expect captain fantastic to fall into your lap. You have to work HARD at it. You have to understand what you really want and how it differs from what you think you want. I speak in riddles, I admit, but it's only because I don't know you, and cannot tell you what is in your heart and desires. 

It sucks that you had a lousy marriage, but you should use it as a learning experience and figure out how you could have avoided the mistakes made. You sound like a "nice girl".. I think there's a book for women equal to the "no more mr nice guy" book- others here could expand more on that, I don't really know much about it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Kaboom said:


> You have unrealistic expectations, and will be disappointed for the rest of your life if you don't change your perceptions. There's no such thing as the guy you want. Oh, he exists. He's called a "nice guy" and once you have him, you will eventually grow dissatisfied with him and the relationship.
> 
> You cannot expect captain fantastic to fall into your lap. You have to work HARD at it. You have to understand what you really want and how it differs from what you think you want. I speak in riddles, I admit, but it's only because I don't know you, and cannot tell you what is in your heart and desires.
> 
> It sucks that you had a lousy marriage, but you should use it as a learning experience and figure out how you could have avoided the mistakes made. You sound like a "nice girl".. I think there's a book for women equal to the "no more mr nice guy" book- others here could expand more on that, I don't really know much about it.


NIce guys should be with nice gals, and they need to take care of each other and not be jealous of whats out in the world.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

One of our favorite bands, "Over the Rhine" has a song entitled, "All My Favorite People are Broken." We all have stuff in our lives that we need to deal with. Marriage has helped us both to deal with our own stuff and become more loving and more unselfish. We will celebrate 41 years in 11 days and we are in an honest, loving relationship. 

Sure, we have had our difficulties since we got married at 16 & 17. We have opposite love languages; we had to learn each others. We are opposite in 3 of 4 of the Myers Briggs Type Indicators. We had to learn that she needed to feel intimate to desire sex and that i needed sex to feel intimate. We had to learn how to communicate and how to handle disagreements in a healthy way. 

The one thing that helped is that we enjoy doing the same things. We are best friends. We just love being together! I can't remember the last time we had an argument. We will be most of this month on vacation including a week at a resort in the Riviera Maya and it won't be long enough!

This kind of relationship is possible but it takes two people who are willing to do the work.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

the Quest! - wish I could say I had found it.

On this topic and in relation to transparency - my partner is adamant she needs her "privacy". Of course this was blown out of the water with her A and now she feels violated. Bizarre!

In any case those of you in these strong committed relationships, let me ask, how important to you and your SO is private space (healthy private space). Is it necessary / depends on the individual or a bone of contention.

My view is skewed of course because my WS's privacy was effectively her fantasy single life - IMO based on what I uncovered.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Sorry ijustwantadecentguy, just realised this must be my first thread hijack. Apologies.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ijustwantadecentguy said:


> All I have seen and experienced is damaged people with secrets and issues, people who cheat people who live double lives, people who are afraid of commitment, I am 25 years old I was in a very unhealthy marriage before and I am just wondering if its even possible to find a good man who genuinely loves you and doesn't take you for granted or betray you in any way, don't tell u have seen happy people on Facebook pictures lol, most people are faking it everyday but *have you experienced it meaning are you in that relationship right now? Is it a strong great love?*


We've been married for 23 yrs, together for 31.... I have always felt my husband was the greatest thing that has ever happened TO ME... and I know he feels the same about me..... not a day goes by that we don't express our feelings to each other... in our touch, our words......If I go on I will just sound like a Romantic Gusher... just to say...I get teary eyed just thinking it will all come to an end someday....I wish I could stop time. 

Such intense Love does exist ...do I think it's rather Rare... it does appear so....it's what movies are made of and the greatest love songs ever written.... My Grandmother & Grandfather had a love like that...we've met others through the years..always an inspiration...

I think one can tell -just being observant in public even....lets say you are out at a Restaurant noticing those around you....when you see a couple ...looking around, not real engaged, not much being said.. chances are they have lost the spark ..... while another couple over there -their faces light up when they talk to each other, laughing together, a little flirting.. cutting on each other ...either this is a NEW relationship or this couple has *chemistry *that has lasted through the years.. they have watered their garden of Love. 

We haven't had any horrific trials in our marriage (the most trying = 6+ yrs of infertility) ....this never tore us away from each other...That was harder on me & he was wonderful, loving , patient through it all...with every negative pregnancy test...my tears...all the Doc visits, a surgery.. he made everything "Light"... 

It helps when we know who we are, what we seek and are willig *to give* as well in a healthy relationship with another... always know your "deal-breakers" (dishonesty of any sort should be #1)... and never ignore those little red flags  that others may see (friends, family) - even warning us .....in someone we are dating, people often get into a Romantic FOG early on and can't see clearly.. Always allow the test of TIME for a compatibility that can last through the hardships as well as the Joys... 

Experts say if a new relationship is still emotionally thriving...still feeling the Romance, the bonding still intact...beyond the 18 month mark ....such a couple has beat the odds.. it's looking good. 

For some ideas on what to look for -as far as "Compatibility"...


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband and I have a fantastic marriage. We've been married 13 years now and we both put our marriage as our number 1 priority.


Same here ! :smthumbup:


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 25 years, together for 33. Our marriage has not always been easy. When two intelligent, strong-willed people are married, it's not always simple to compromise within a marriage when we do not often compromise outside our relationship. Hence, we have had our ups and downs over the years.

Major sources of friction:

- Our families (other than our immediate nuclear family) have introduced a lot of drama.

- Infertility during the first 10 years of our marriage, including the 8 years of treatment.

- We both had baggage from childhood (both of us had strict Catholic upbringings, she had some sexual abuse at the hands of a relative, my Dad was a workaholic and was never around, her parents divorced when she was very young, etc.),

- Sexual differences (for many years, she was LD while I was HD).

Major pluses for our marriage:

- We respect each other immensely.

- We have always been very honest and faithful to each other.

- We have raised a wonderful son.

- We communicate openly and honestly (was not always the case, though).

- We both take care of ourselves and try to be attractive and desirable for each other.

- At this point in our lives, we are on the same page sexually, and it is truly wonderful.

- We took a long vacation recently to celebrate our 25 years of marriage, and it was just about the best 10 days of my life.

In a nutshell, a long loving marriage is not easy, and you get out of it what you put into it, just like anything else in life that is worthwhile.


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