# I need a little perspective



## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

Hey everyone, I'm new here and this is my first post.

I'm a late 30's husband and father who's dealing with an issue I have been trying to ignore for years.

This might sound trivial to some, but to me it just sucks...

I met my wife when I was 23, got married at 25 and we're still married and have 2 kiddos. Our marriage is pretty plane jane at this point.

We started a company a few years ago and all we do now is work, work, and WORK.

My issue is a 2 part deal. Please bare with me.

My first issue is that my wife has issues with approaching me for intimacy. She has never been comfortable with approaching me and it hasn't improved. I have had countless talks with her and encouraged her to at least let me know when she's in the mood. She still won't approach me and says she's going to work on it. Ok, I've heard that now for about 12 years.... It's not going to change, but I keep trying.

I'm tired of always being the one to initiate sex. It's OLD and I want to be chased every now and then! 

I'm really tired of the routine and tired of getting turned down when I approach her because I have no idea of how she's feeling, mood-wise.

Sooooo, that's issue #1.

Here's issue #2, that I have been trying like crazy to forget, ignore, etc. for years.

My wife is the only woman I have ever slept with. I know that may sound silly, that being an issue. It's a wonderful thing and I'm really proud of it. Especially these days, when sex is being thrown in your face from every direction at all times.

I have never cheated on my wife. EVER! 

I feel like I'm slipping though. I can't ignore my curiosity and it keeps pecking at me.

With the combination of my wife not approaching me and the fact that I don't know what it's like to be with anyone else, I'm going crazy. I think about other women every day and can't seem to stop. 

I don't know what to do and could really use and unbiased opinion and advice.

Please chime in and help :frown2:

Thanks in advance


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Welcome aboard.

What's your wife's history before you? If she wasn't a virgin when you met, do you think that plays into both issues?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Is being with another woman worth losing your wife and family? Does your curiosity out weigh the love you have for your wife and kids? Do your wedding vows mean so little to you that you would toss them aside for some fantasy in your mind? 

Because that is exactly what you are risking.

You want to do the right thing? Then divorce your wife and THEN chase your fantasy life. One word of caution - a fantasy never lives up to expectations.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

How is your wife's libido? If her libido is low, she may have trouble initiating sex because she just doesn't feel the desire, but may feel it after you initiate and foreplay, etc. There are things she can do to increase her desire. How old are the kids? If they are very young she may just be exhausted. If you are having these feelings, it sounds like you need to have a conversation with her and let her know that she needs to figure out what the issue is.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sit down and talk with her. Let her know this is your last conversation about your intimacy.
She told you she is going to change and try harder,but that was going on for 12 years.

You know her rejection over and over again is slowly killing you. You are losing confidence in yourself.
Basically you are begging your wife for sex which is bad. 

Also you can try this. Join some gym,be in better shape,try to romance her,hell even sometimes tell her no.

About your thinking of other women I think it is the case of rejection. Constantly begging for sex would put your mind in hell. I can bet,you asked yourself am I good for her and stuff like that.

Maybe you have some fantasy,or things you would like to do with them but you can have all of taht with your own wife. And doing it with the woman you love would be great. 

So talk to her and I repeat let her know this is your last conversation about it. 

I hope my little post will help you.

Stay strong.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You both definitely need counseling and therapy..

I am wondering does Issue 2 have anything to do with Issue 1. Be honest about it if it doesn't.. But if it is, then you can see how they link together and the issues this is starting to cause in your marriage.

Personally I have been turned down sex for about 1 month many years ago ( about 17 years ago ) before catching my Ex wife looking to have an affair.. I wracked my brain trying to figure it all out.. 

But after doing every possible thing I finally called her out on it, but then like the next day I discovered what really was going on.. 

Beyond that point my current GF told me a total of 4 times in the past 2 years no.. Twice she we sort of fighting.. 

But again beyond these moments I have never been told no.. I take it really personal when I am told no.. 
It pisses me the fvck off.. I walk out and don't call her for the rest of the day.. 

There is a saying in Spanish.. 
*"Si tu no tienda la tienda, Otro tienda la tienda"*.. 
Which translate, if you don't take care of the store someone else will take care of the store.. 

I told my GF Flat out if your telling me NO now and we are dating.. I only expect it to be worse when and if we are married and I am not going to get married to woman who tells me No.. I need it 3 to 4 times a week.. I am telling you now, before we go down this road..

If you can't give it to me then all I am going to do is resent you and cut you lose to find someone else who can..

My point is you can't beat around the bush with this nonsense.. 
*SEX IS A BIG PART OF A RELATIONSHIP... *

A friend of mine does EVERYTHING with his wife.. They have similar interest they are the same page with many things including their kids.. They are just very much in the zone mindset wise with each other.. But they are unofficially separated because even though they are the best of friends, they haven't had SEX in over 2 YEARS... 

That is all they are now, best of friends.. 

Sex matters..

About other women and sex.. 

I can say this only from my personal standpoint.

Sex is sex.. ***** is ***** ( sorry for being so crass about it ladies ).. I am sure many women will also say the opposite.. Though others will disagree..

My simple point here is that no matter where you put your d!ck in, you're gonna have an orgasm.. 

The only differences I might be able to say again from mans standpoint.. Some women like anal.. Some don't have a gag reflect and some enjoy oral.. 

But beyond that again. I haven't had TONS of women.. and I can tell you my current GF has had MANY more men then the average woman.. But even my GF doesn't do the stuff my Ex wife did or other women I have relationships with.. Mind you my GF is very attractive but so was my first Ex wife.. I don't even show her any pics of the first ex wife because it would make her jealous.. 

My point is you are not missing anything unless your wife is a cold fish.. Even my GF doesn't get on top.. She says its too much work, but she has been told she is very good for just laying on her back *( Ugh, I wish I was making that up )*

I told her she was just *okay* for laying on her back.. She didn't like that.. But then I didn't want hear her tell me that story either.. 

But beyond that I have no complaints because its pretty much the same sh!t.. Knowing what I know today.. If I could get sex 2 to 3 times a week and know my partner will have my back for the rest of my life and I could get along with them, I would be very happy.. 

If Issue 2 is because of Issue 1, then I would talk to therapist alone about it and then bring it up in counseling where it's a neutral ground and you have the support of the therapist to help your wife understand it..


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Before my impending separation/divorce whatever I'm going through, I withheld sex from my husband. Not all the time, we would have sex once or twice a week. 

I withheld it a lot because I didn't feel wanted. I felt like I was a body. I was expected to take care of the kids, the house, cook dinner, no time spent together, second to everything and then at the end of the day, I was expected to not only initiate, but blow his brains out AND be a porn star in the bedroom. It was EXHAUSTING. 

So I just stopped. It was a chore. When we did have sex, he would take care of my needs too, but it just wasn't enough to make me WANT it. 

Because all of the other stuff made me feel like a blow up doll and nothing more.

My husband is great in bed. We have a very adventurous sex life, were very open with each other and we have a lot of fun in the sack.

But none of that was enough to make me want to pursue him. Because he didn't send me flowers. He was bothered if he had to spend time with me, he was distant, cold, emotionless. Women need to FEEL that. What are you doing to make her feel appreciated? What are you doing to help her around the house? Lighten her load? 

Now that my husband and I are separating, we've had more sex in the last 2 months than we've ever had outside of the first year together. I pursue him, he pursues me. It's kind of the only connection we have left right now. We have sex almost every day. Sometimes 2 and 3 times a day.

I've been able to take the appreciation factor, all of the other stuff out of it and I no longer feel pressured to do it. I do it because I want to. And it's pretty damn amazing every time. There's a lot of people here on TAM that do not agree with my decision to still have sex with him. But I love him and yada yada yada. That's a story for a different time. 

What I'm saying is.....find out the root of WHY she doesn't want it. Don't just demand she want you and demand she initiate it. You're not going to get anywhere. You need to find out WHY and if she tells you - LISTEN.

As far as fantasizing. I guess that's ok. I know a lot of people fantasize. I do myself at times, but mines more of an abstract fantasizing, it doesn't involve specific other people, specific men, etc. 

But for gods sake, don't you DARE cheat. You have NO idea the damage you'll cause. Her. You. Your family. Your life. Trust me, I've cheated, and id give my very soul to take it back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You think about other women 

Yeah. That's a man thing.

Women think about other men.

Yeah. That’s a woman thing. 

But guess what? The joyous good news is you do not have to have sex with them! 

BTW, sexless marriage? Time to take a grip of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

I understand the first problem. It's something I've dealt with since getting married 20 years ago. 

I also am a one woman man. It's something to be proud of. I don't have any baggage from having previous lovers who gave better/worse BJs, had bigger/smaller titties, etc, etc. I think you would benefit from Athol Kays, "Married Man Sex Life'' and other marriage game advice. It really helped me with the first problem. 

I see a lot of promise in your situation improving!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My opinion:

Is sex with your wife good? Do you want her regularly? Do you have an orgasm with no problem? 

If yes to the above, you're not missing out on anything with other women.

Please don't cheat on her. The pain it causes is indescribable and unforgettable.

I don't know how to fix your problems. All I can tell you is there's good sex and sex. Some women are great, some are not. The ones that are not are terrible. A clean woman is hugely important. 

Some women do t even like sex. Some think they are fabulous lovers and are actually just awful. Sex with someone you love beats sex with anyone by a million miles. 
I'd you enjoy sex with your wife, you will likely be grossly disappinted. 

I assure you that all the crap going on in your head is not how it would really be. Most likely you wouldn't even be able to get it up for a while with someone else... 

Don't know what to say. You're opening a can of worms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> Before my impending separation/divorce whatever I'm going through...


Listen to this poster...and prepare. You, my friend, are in for a ride.



LosingHim said:


> You need to find out WHY and if she tells you - LISTEN.


And have the honor of being the very first man who ever has.

Good luck to you sir. I've seen this 1,000 times. Starting right here in my very own house. It is RARELY ever a happy ending.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Haven't read either, but the books, "His Needs, Her Needs", "Married Man Sex Life Primer", and "No More Mr. Nice Guy", may be all you need at this point.


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

Thor said:


> Welcome aboard.
> 
> What's your wife's history before you? If she wasn't a virgin when you met, do you think that plays into both issues?


She was a virgin when we met.


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

bluezone said:


> How is your wife's libido? If her libido is low, she may have trouble initiating sex because she just doesn't feel the desire, but may feel it after you initiate and foreplay, etc. There are things she can do to increase her desire. How old are the kids? If they are very young she may just be exhausted. If you are having these feelings, it sounds like you need to have a conversation with her and let her know that she needs to figure out what the issue is.


My wife's libido is a little low, I would venture to guess. If it were normal/high, I would think she would approach me more often.

Our kids are 9 & 10.

I will keep trying and see what we can accomplish.

Thank you!


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Before my impending separation/divorce whatever I'm going through, I withheld sex from my husband. Not all the time, we would have sex once or twice a week.
> 
> I withheld it a lot because I didn't feel wanted. I felt like I was a body. I was expected to take care of the kids, the house, cook dinner, no time spent together, second to everything and then at the end of the day, I was expected to not only initiate, but blow his brains out AND be a porn star in the bedroom. It was EXHAUSTING.
> 
> ...


I hear what you're saying and I know you're right. I don't help enough around the house. I open our shop every day and close at night. When I get home, she's tired from taking care of the kids/house/cooking for the evening. I know I need to put forth more effort to help out.

I like the flower idea. I used to surprise her with flowers OFTEN. Then it became a regular thing and it wasn't special anymore. That's when I stopped. 

She's kinda hard to impress, so sometimes I feel like my efforts are futile. Like I keep trying to do nice things for her, but she doesn't care. I know deep down that she did care, but she didn't show it and that bothered me a lot.

I will give it another shot though. See if I can stoke the fire a bit.

As for actually cheating, I don't think I have the balls for it, honestly. I think it's more of an exciting fantasy than anything at this point. I have been thinking about it since I wrote this post and realize how crazy it is to attempt something like that.

After getting huge hugs and "I love you daddy" from both my daughters this morning, I would be absolutely crushed if I missed that in my life.

I know an orgasm with a strange woman isn't worth what I have now.

Thanks for the perspective and taking the time to chime in :smile2:


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> My opinion:
> 
> Is sex with your wife good? Do you want her regularly? Do you have an orgasm with no problem?
> 
> ...


The sex is pretty good, not very adventurous though. But, I'll take it.

We don't have sex often. We only have sex about once a week......

I feel like we really drift apart during a dry spell and my feeling get a lot stronger about being with someone else. 

I'm going to work hard to fix this with her and keep it in my pants :grin2:

Thanks for chiming in, I really appreciate it!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

needalittlehelp said:


> My wife's libido is a little low, I would venture to guess. If it were normal/high, I would think she would approach me more often.
> 
> Our kids are 9 & 10.
> 
> ...


I won't offer advice, per se (it will be similar to what others have said here), however I might be able to offer some perspective.

There are varying reasons as to why a spouse/partner does not initiate. It's also quite common.

However, those reasons go out the window once the other partner has stated their needs, or otherwise opened a dialogue in regards to the issue.

Once communicated (by you, to her, in this case) and things remain the same, there's only one logical reason left (with different off-shoots) - sex is not a priority for her. And, to varying degrees, neither is the relationship as a whole - at least inasmuch as she does not believe (or see, yet) that sex is a "make or break" relationship issue.

That sounds harsh, but it's the reality, unfortunately.

That's not to mean YOU are not important to her, or the marriage/relationship is not important - it's just that the two of you differ on priorities on elements that make a healthy relationship.

Sometimes, the spouse who is in your shoes is able to get through to their partner, but it requires time and patience. Sometimes they are not. In those situations, one either has to be thankful for what they DO have, or seek what they require by ending the relationship.

Take solace in that you are definitely not alone (especially here on TAM). I am one of many here who's spouse does not put an equal amount of importance on sex within the relationship, but have learned to (more or less) accept it. Granted, we do still have sex fairly regularly (once a week) and she does enjoy it, but as far as initiation, it's 95% me.

Keep communicating, but never lose your cool or get too frustrated. Try to understand her POV, but also make sure she understands yours. A middle ground can be obtained, but understand that it's not likely things will ever swing in your direction completely.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

needalittlehelp said:


> I hear what you're saying and I know you're right. I don't help enough around the house. I open our shop every day and close at night. When I get home, she's tired from taking care of the kids/house/cooking for the evening. I know I need to put forth more effort to help out.
> 
> I like the flower idea. I used to surprise her with flowers OFTEN. Then it became a regular thing and it wasn't special anymore. That's when I stopped.
> 
> ...


It’s not just flowers. That was just one example. It’s the little things. Clean out her car, Buy her something you know she likes at the grocery store, her favorite cookies, heck I’d of been happy if he brought home my favorite peanut butter just because. Gestures don’t have to be grand to be appreciated. A funny card, a simple romantic card. What’s better than sending flowers is stopping on the side of the road and picking a bunch of wildflowers. A little love note tucked into her purse, a text here and there saying you hope she has a good day. Little things go a long way.

And then there are the gestures around the house. I know you’re tired from working the shop all day, but maybe offer to be the one to tuck your girls in that night, do the dishes without being asked. Wipe down the counters, clean up your dirty clothes, put away the laundry. ANY small gesture of taking something off her plate is big when a woman is overwhelmed or doesn’t feel appreciated. Hug her and thank her for being a good mom. Hug her and tell her you are so glad to have such an amazing wife.

It may not happen that day, it may take a couple of days of stuff like that, so for gods sake, please don’t do it once and then be like “but I thought I’d get sex!” She cannot feel like you are doing this to get lucky. Otherwise, it’s just gonna backfire.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

needalittlehelp said:


> The sex is pretty good, not very adventurous though. But, I'll take it.
> 
> We don't have sex often. We only have sex about once a week......
> 
> ...


Two things:

Once a week is fine - honestly. It's not ideal for many of us (me neither), but it's about average for most married couples.

That said, I know the feeling that when it's 100% you doing the initiating, and the rest of the week it's rejection - it sucks. That said, once a week, when it's not bad, can be enough. I imagine there are weeks when it's more than once, as well.

I will offer advice on this subject: it's possible your wife likes to be taken - not asked. I don't mean forced, of course. Not very many people, man or woman, like to be asked if they want to have sex, or if they're in the mood. Generally speaking, men and women are the same. Do to her what you said you want her to do to you.

My wife is not an initiator either. We talked about this years ago. She DID listen, and made an attempt for quite a while, but her idea of initiating was to ask. Of course, this is not sexy, nor does it make me feel desired - which is what people like you and I want. It's not so much the actual sex that we require, it's a partner who shows us they WANT us.

So, my wife clearly heard what I said to her, but did not -understand- it, if you know what I mean. She made the effort, but in her own way, which I alternately respected and resented at the same time. She heard what I said, but didn't LISTEN.

I figured out quickly that my chances of being intimate with her was to "take" her. No beating around the bush, no asking, no hinting - just doing. Yes, there were (and are) many times that I still get rejected, but that rate has gone down incrementally. For people like my wife, they get in the mood once things start rolling. Responsive desire. Giving her the option, so to speak, almost ensures that she will say no, because she's not in the mood - until she's in the mood, if you know what I mean.

I know my wife well enough to know what works, and I know not to push too far. Your wife may vary.

This, in turn, has increased (however small) her efforts with our sex life. It's gone from 0% initiation to 5-10%, which is better than nothing.

Also, initiating in the way I do now also ensures that I DO feel desired (though not exactly the way I want), as I now know how to get her in the mood more often than not. Once her responsive desire has kicked in, I DO feel wanted.


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> It’s not just flowers. That was just one example. It’s the little things. Clean out her car, Buy her something you know she likes at the grocery store, her favorite cookies, heck I’d of been happy if he brought home my favorite peanut butter just because. Gestures don’t have to be grand to be appreciated. A funny card, a simple romantic card. What’s better than sending flowers is stopping on the side of the road and picking a bunch of wildflowers. A little love note tucked into her purse, a text here and there saying you hope she has a good day. Little things go a long way.
> 
> And then there are the gestures around the house. I know you’re tired from working the shop all day, but maybe offer to be the one to tuck your girls in that night, do the dishes without being asked. Wipe down the counters, clean up your dirty clothes, put away the laundry. ANY small gesture of taking something off her plate is big when a woman is overwhelmed or doesn’t feel appreciated. Hug her and thank her for being a good mom. Hug her and tell her you are so glad to have such an amazing wife.
> 
> It may not happen that day, it may take a couple of days of stuff like that, so for gods sake, please don’t do it once and then be like “but I thought I’d get sex!” She cannot feel like you are doing this to get lucky. Otherwise, it’s just gonna backfire.


I understand what you're saying. I know it's not just about flowers, I was just going on the example from earlier.

I get up every day, unload the dishwasher, make the coffee and get the kids up and running while she makes lunches.

In the evening, I either clean the kitchen or take the kids upstairs to get ready for bed. This is my daily routine. 

I try my best to chip in and feel like I do so daily. I also constantly as "What can I do to help out?"

It probably doesn't help that we work together every day, every day.

I think the only thing I can do now is approach her and express how I feel again, while following that up with little gestures like you mentioned.

Thank you again for the solid advice :smile2:


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

alexm said:


> Two things:
> 
> Once a week is fine - honestly. It's not ideal for many of us (me neither), but it's about average for most married couples.
> 
> ...


That makes sense. I will definitely try your approach. I have been asking and need to just get the ball rolling. I realize my approach has been too hands off :wink2:

Thanks for the perspective. I will give it a shot for a few weeks and see what happens.


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

I just want to thank everyone who chimed in. This, being my first experience here, has been amazing and supportive. 

I'm really glad I decided to put myself out there and have found a place to help me see thing for what they are.

This is a great community and I thank you all for being part of it and allowing me to join:grin2:

Merry Christmas to all of you and I will keep you posted on my progress


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

needalittlehelp said:


> My wife's libido is a little low, I would venture to guess. If it were normal/high, I would think she would approach me more often.
> 
> Our kids are 9 & 10.
> 
> ...


Have you *asked her *if she has trouble with libido, or has she mentioned it? Does she have any thyroid issues, which are common with women and wreck havoc on the hormonal system? 

If she has trouble, is she willing to take some steps to improve her libido? That could make all the difference in the world for you two. Some supplements I can recommend are Damiana Leaves 450 mg, Royal Jelly 300 mg and Gingo Biloba 120 mg...all can be purchased at Vitamin Shoppe or online. Also, I started taking something for the digestive system...it's a little pricey if you buy a bunch of supplements but surprisingly it has done WONDERS for my libido. You can private message me if you want supplement info...not sure we are allowed to post stuff like that on here.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

alexm said:


> Two things:
> 
> Once a week is fine - honestly. It's not ideal for many of us (me neither), but it's about average for most married couples.
> 
> ...


I like to be "taken". I'll initiate once or twice a week, but the other 4-5 days, I like to be pursued. 

I have rarely, even when I was somewhat "withholding" turned him down if he just started the act. Starting the act could've been as simple as running his fingers up my arm, a simple kiss on the neck. 

The last really hot sex we had started with cuddling. We were laying on the bed, my head on his chest, we were both almost asleep. Then it was a brush on the bare skin of my back under my shirt. Reciprocated by softly touching the skin on the inside of his elbow. Then it was a kiss on the fingertips. Warm breath on the neck. You get it, I'm not trying to write for Playboy here.  But that stage lasted about an hour. NO overt sexual touching. No kissing other than a kiss on the shoulder here, or a whisper of a kiss on the ear. By the time the good stuff started, we were both fired up. But it was the small, gentle, little things that led up to that. Being close beforehand, affectionate touches, etc. Take THAT time. 

There is nothing that turns a woman off more than feeling like she's EXPECTED to have sex with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> I like to be "taken". I'll initiate once or twice a week, but the other 4-5 days, I like to be pursued.
> 
> I have rarely, even when I was somewhat "withholding" turned him down if he just started the act. Starting the act could've been as simple as running his fingers up my arm, a simple kiss on the neck.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to say this is good advice...LosingHim..thanks for taking us men inside the mind and essential make up of a woman. It's very informative


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

needalittlehelp said:


> She was a virgin when we met.


Why was she a virgin? Did she come from a strict religious upbringing? Was virginity a strongly held personal value of hers? Was it for no good reason other than you two were firsts and then ended up married, without any strong personal belief against premarital sex?

Also, just to be clear, she's never had sex with anyone but you? You didn't break up for a while and she had sex with others?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A lot of young couples with children fall prey to making a terrible mistake. They fail to tend to the marriage. It seems that in modern America there is a mindset that the kids are the biggest priority. That's quite wrong! 

With that mindset, the parents neglect the marriage. Marriages are like teeth, if you ignore them they rot and go away.

Yes, your children have urgent and important needs. They need diapers changed, they need to be fed. But, people generalize that too far. Your kids can do without some objects. Your kids can do without you tending to them constantly. Especially once they're no longer toddlers. They can get themselves a bowl of cereal on Saturday morning if you're not downstairs yet. They can learn to clean up their toys. They can learn to do their own laundry when they're teens.

And, you and your wife should be making the marriage relationship the highest priority after the safety and health of your children. The marriage is the center pole of the circus tent that is your family. Without the marriage there is no family. Repeat: Without the marriage there is no family. It is that important!

Dirty dishes can wait until tomorrow. You can turn off the tv and have a conversation. The kids can live without watching that show. Instead, you and your wife go for a walk. Or, turn chores into together time. Go to the grocery store together, and make it about you two being together. Don't rush around the store like you're on some mission, just walk together and talk while you're filling the cart. You can double-dip and get two things accomplished, the shopping and spending time together, as long as you put the priority on being together.

Consider reducing some of the kids' activities. Most kids have way too much on their schedule. One musical instrument and one sport type activity is plenty. Don't put them in a competitive league, keep them in the fun leagues where they have only one practice and one game per week.

It is too easy to get caught up in being too serious about getting everything done when those things are so much less important than your marriage and your family.


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

bluezone said:


> Have you *asked her *if she has trouble with libido, or has she mentioned it? Does she have any thyroid issues, which are common with women and wreck havoc on the hormonal system?
> 
> If she has trouble, is she willing to take some steps to improve her libido? That could make all the difference in the world for you two. Some supplements I can recommend are Damiana Leaves 450 mg, Royal Jelly 300 mg and Gingo Biloba 120 mg...all can be purchased at Vitamin Shoppe or online. Also, I started taking something for the digestive system...it's a little pricey if you buy a bunch of supplements but surprisingly it has done WONDERS for my libido. You can private message me if you want supplement info...not sure we are allowed to post stuff like that on here.


Thanks for the tip! She says her libido is normal, but I'm suspicious. I will talk to her again and ask.


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I like to be "taken". I'll initiate once or twice a week, but the other 4-5 days, I like to be pursued.
> 
> I have rarely, even when I was somewhat "withholding" turned him down if he just started the act. Starting the act could've been as simple as running his fingers up my arm, a simple kiss on the neck.
> 
> ...


That sounds amazing :smile2:
I will certainly try that approach. And just so it's out there, I never "expect" anything from her.

I have tried emphasizing the bond that comes with sex and how important it is. Not just the act, but the emotional involvement and intense focus on the other person. 

I'm really not looking to just have sex, just to have sex. I want the connection that comes along with it.


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

Thor said:


> Why was she a virgin? Did she come from a strict religious upbringing? Was virginity a strongly held personal value of hers? Was it for no good reason other than you two were firsts and then ended up married, without any strong personal belief against premarital sex?
> 
> Also, just to be clear, she's never had sex with anyone but you? You didn't break up for a while and she had sex with others?


She made a choice to hold out for marriage, as did I. It's a religious/upbringing thing honestly.

She didn't/hasn't had sex with anyone else. I know that for a fact and neither have I. 

Than's part of my curiosity issue.....


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## needalittlehelp (Dec 21, 2015)

Thor said:


> A lot of young couples with children fall prey to making a terrible mistake. They fail to tend to the marriage. It seems that in modern America there is a mindset that the kids are the biggest priority. That's quite wrong!
> 
> With that mindset, the parents neglect the marriage. Marriages are like teeth, if you ignore them they rot and go away.
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree more. We try our best to focus on each other, but clearly we're not doing enough. 

I'm on the same page with your statement about kids. Our kids entertain themselves for the most part. We send them outside to play and they come in for supper when it's ready. 

They don't play sports and are involved in school clubs once every two weeks for an after school meeting/get together.

I think our main issue is that we work all day, like most people, and then when all the chores are finished and the kids are down for the night, we're both tired and unmotivated to "make it happen."

That's when I try to approach her and have some luck. 

That seems to be the subject or focus of our conversations when I approach her about the lack of sex and connection. But it also seems like a convenient scapegoat. The work is ALWAYS going to be there and the kids will for 9 more years as well. 

Sooooo, since we know that's a constant, that can't be her excuse anymore. We have to find a way to make it work and sometimes I think she's not interested in putting forth the effort.

I will keep trying and helping out more to lighten her load. All I can do is try and hope for the best.

Thanks for chiming in, I really appreciate it!


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

needalittlehelp said:


> She made a choice to hold out for marriage, as did I. It's a religious/upbringing thing honestly.
> 
> She didn't/hasn't had sex with anyone else. I know that for a fact and neither have I.
> 
> Than's part of my curiosity issue.....


 Would you mind elaborating .?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

needalittlehelp said:


> She made a choice to hold out for marriage, as did I. It's a religious/upbringing thing honestly.
> 
> She didn't/hasn't had sex with anyone else. I know that for a fact and neither have I.
> 
> Than's part of my curiosity issue.....


I suspect she has some issues with all the negativity usually pushed on girls about sex. Religious upbringings tend to do that. The message is usually received as "sex is bad, dirty, and you'll burn in hell for it", and "only dirty slvtty bad girls have sex".

Now the intended message is more along the lines of "sex is to be saved for marriage". But the negatives used as a discouragement tend to be what is received and internalized, especially by girls.

Just look at our language. When someone gets a bad deal, they got screwed. When something is messed up, it is fvcked. When something is totally messed up it is FUBAR (f'd up beyond all recognition). When someone is difficult, they are either a d1ckhead or a jerkoff.

I suggest your wife probably needs some counseling and maybe some book reading to get a better attitude about sex. You can try the website themarriagebed.com too.

Marriage counseling, not religiously based, would be a good idea. No need to wait until you're both ready for divorce before getting a mid-course correction.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

needalittlehelp said:


> My wife is the only woman I have ever slept with. I know that may sound silly, that being an issue.
> 
> I have never cheated on my wife. EVER!
> 
> I feel like I'm slipping though. I can't ignore my curiosity and it keeps pecking at me.


OP, I know this thread is old and you have another thread going. I really sympathize with you as I am in the same situation. Like you, my wife is only person I have slept with and as I get older like you "I feel like I'm slipping though. I can't ignore my curiosity and it keeps pecking at me." 

*Expect this to get worse as you get older. * You are a risk of a mid-life crisis, or at risk of leaving your wife once you kids get into college.

Do you now want you wife to be fantastic in bed? It is ok to say and think yes. But that is not going to happen. So you need to decide if all the good things that you wife does are enough to keep you married to her. 

If you running your own business keeps you have interacting with young single or young married co-workers, consider that a plus for you. 

You need to either accept this or divorce your wife. Do not cheat on her. You might think you never will cheat but you are primed for it to happen under the right circumstances. You might be a better man than me. I hope you are. 

Something to think about. If you had a chance to do it again, would you still marry your wife?


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