# What a trip it has been



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. Most of you would either call me a pathetic guy with no self-respect, or the doormat of all doormats. I see myself as a new individual that will never take sh!t from anyone, regardless of whether my relationship works out or not.

I'm not throwing in the towel yet. I have grown so much as a person through the discovery of my wife's most recent affair. It's been amazing. What makes this situation unique is that her affairs did not stem from something she is lacking at home. It's her addiction to the need for attention and to be desired. With guys she is 'not interested in'. Once guys she is already close with fill that void, she lets them in and then the fog puts things on cruise control.

I man'ed up and began communicating to the OM a few weeks ago. . . something that the old me would never have had the balls to do. Since they still work in the same place I just had to know for sure that things were over and that there was no contact. Put it this way - without ever threatening the OM, I had him crying on the phone about what he did and how badly he ruined our lives. His wife is 6 months pregnant and it is not in my character to destroy her world - so I do not plan on telling her. But he now lives with the concern that I may tell her as I never said what I'd ultimately do either way. He will have to live with the guilt for the rest of his life, and since I know this guy (he has been friends with my wife for years), I know he's not just BS'ing me. He's a mess.

Most of the people in my life I've opened up to about this crisis have responded that they are awestruck with my ability to handle such a tremendous blow to all I have known for the length of my marriage. My brother can't sleep, my good friend said he can't handle things half as well that are half as heavy. My mom says it's likely due to my mesomorph characteristics. . . something my maternal grandfather had the qualities of as well. It's possible.

My wife - well, she has a sickness and she is only beginning to accept that she needs serious therapy. But we're getting there. Why I'm still around, and let-me-tell-you, I'm being perfectly honest with her, is because of our precious kids, and I've explained my goal is to rekindle a flicker of the flame that has permanently gone out from our old relationship. If that flame can't be re-lit, we will not work out. But there is a glimmer of hope.

It's different this time. The family knows. After she was going to tell her mom, then decided against it, I demanded she tell her as that may be the beginning of where this need for attention stems from - the fact that she has no real relationship with her parents and that they were clueless and gave her no consequences as a child/teenager (and likely may be filling the void with the OMs). After the phone call she realized how much she is going to need her mother in the months to come.

She says she can't go on without me, but I've told her she needs to truly explore that thought, cause her brain seems to operate in two year cycles - and once we hit two years or so, she let's someone else in. Is she capable of remaining in a committed relationship? The question can't be answered right now. A post-nup has been discussed, and she said she'd sign it 10x over. Done.

I think the true reason I'm giving her another chance is that this is the first time I've addressed the problem, so in essence, it's her first but final chance. I take the responsibility for not being the man I should have been in previous situations, and I know we all say it's not our fault and we should be protected by the bond of trust, but for some, especially those that have grown up with no consequences, they need to be taught right and wrong because it's not in their system. She understands there are no more chances, and she's done a terrible job in the first two months of this mess with the trickle truth and lies, but she is starting to see a little more clearly.

She wants to be here though, there is no question about that, and she said she will not (personally) end this (marriage), ever. She will not go unless I ask her to go, but she'll go fighting to stay with me. But she needs to PROVE that she wants to be here, cause her actions have suggested otherwise for years.

Simply put, she is one of the luckiest women alive, cause I have the talent to handle what would send most guys to the hills. I liken it to that Sex in the City scene where Samantha's young boy friend is waiting outside the elevator after she went upstairs with her old flame. . . then comes out and says to her young BF "why do I keep hurting you"? 

That is me. And I can accept that. And I am happy for who I am. In these times, honest people feel short changed. They feel like honesty gets them nothing. They feel like they truly do finish last. But I'm still a believer that if you are honest, you will find the right way in life.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Good luck to you. Some may think that I'm pro divorce or too hardcore, when really I'm not. Heck, I'm in R myself. I just believe in R only under the right conditions and for the right reasons. And it looks like you have your boundaries set, and she knows she has this one shot at R. I hope she realizes what a precious gift you are offering her: Reconciliation

And she has one shot at it, and only one shot. Also be aware that R is difficult under the best of circumstances. Only 1/3 of marriages survive infidelity, so the odds are already 3 to 1 against you. There are going to be bumps in the road, such as she forgets to be transparent on occasion, or she slips into old behaviors once in a while, etc, etc. 

It appears you are ready and she is ready by what you say. Post updates on your situation often, hopefully yours will be one of the success stories here. It would be tragic if you come here after a few weeks/months to report that she has fallen off the R wagon and spurned the gift of R. True Remorse, Transparency, and communication are the pillars of R. Remember to trust, but verify.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like you have a good handle on it. I would only recommend that you also invest in a therapist for yourself, as well as one for the two of you. I know you feel like you're handling it well, but I can assure you, it's in there, buried. And what's buried eventually comes out. Most likely when you no longer fear her actions and can breathe.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> Sounds like you have a good handle on it. I would only recommend that you also invest in a therapist for yourself, as well as one for the two of you. I know you feel like you're handling it well, but I can assure you, it's in there, buried. And what's buried eventually comes out. Most likely when you no longer fear her actions and can breathe.


This is the coming out party, all are invited to attend. I've mentioned in previous posts that I have never trusted my wife since marriage, since before, ever. This affair has stirred up all the ugliness of her previous inappropriate relationships, and I'm finally doing what I feel to be the things I should have done from the start. 

YMMV, and some, most perhaps, would say enough is enough, but the children factor is big for me. They are a tremendous part of my life, much more weighting than the average person. So we'll see what happens. Gloves are off though.


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