# Just got the horrible news...:(



## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

OK, I cannot do this alone and I am a total wreck. This is sad from a 6ft 1inch 250lbs guy, but I was hit with the news friday my wife of 5 years wants a divorce (together for 9 years). I can't believe the emotions I am feeling, it feels worse than a death in the family I swear. Here are my problems, classic guy stupidity it seems. I ignored all the little things, would not listen, made fun of her (always in private and in jest) and was not available emotionally. I have a terrible communication problem and say things I do not mean. I do not have many friends due to depression myself that may have helped thing get to where they are. We don't drink, drugs or anything like that, pretty much a model household. I have bought her cars, jewelry, and everything under the sun but she claims they mean nothing and that all she wanted was for me to take her to a movie now and then. What a fool I have been, and I agree when she said I just did not listen to her. I have never yelled, hit, or ever called her any bad name in anger or otherwise and never will as I love her more than life. She is unique, independent, super smart and everything you could ever want in a girl. She is thoughtful, gentle, kind and was so full of love that I just must have killed because now its just rage and anger. In the three small talks we have had she tells me quote "She is done, there is nothing left." she also said that she loves me "But does not want to love me.". She says she hates herself more than me because she is ruining peoples lives (My son from a fling before I met my wife sees her as his mom and vise versa) and my business partner is like her Dad. She has no contact from her family because she was abused from a very young age. I can tell you also she bottles everything up and only expresses anger when it the last straw. Right now she won't even look at me, and she only expresses sheer anger and rage. Again, I admit, I did neglect all the small things and I am far from perfect. I also know she is not perfect but to sound cliched, she is perfect for me. I have spoken already to a therapist myself and believe it or not she is actually going to a therapist with me thursday. She says she only agreed to go so I will leave her alone. I called the therapist and he said that she seems very angry and she may well have her mind made up but that its good she agreed to go despite the reasons. He said he cannot change her mind if she is that determined but also says that many of the couples that go to see him say the same thing and yet benefit from the experience. I keep wondering should I keep the appointment together or just go myself, I hate watching her in so much pain, I always have. I used to watch her cry and be in pain when her family did cruel things to her and it killed me so this is hurting me too. I recommended some books that she perhaps could read and that only enraged her more and said that I need to read them, not her! Thats just what I am doing, I also am honest enough to know I need support in every way. I have already seen my family MD, got sleep meds, therapy is thursday and if she continues to go or not I know I will have to continue to better myself no matter what happens. I can't put nine years and every detail into this but the short of it is this, I have a very angry, emotional, hurt wife who deserved my attention, although I though gifts and such were enough they were not. My joking hurt her feelings, and my terrible communication and trying to convey things seem to be terrible as well to her. On the flip side she keeps most things bottled up and waits until she is angry to convey them. I think this time its gone to far for her. Any words of comfort would be wonderful, and I want to thank you in advance for taking time out to even respond. I will be honest, at this time I am not prepared to just give up but I am taking the steps to transition to that emotional state. I want to also say that there has never been infidelity on either part. We already have each others passwords and use the others cell phones on a regular basis and the fact that we see each other all the time would make it hard. She only uses facebook for the company and is rarely even on the computer. She has not left yet and says she will stay until June when my son goes to see his real mom for a month. Its very hard when she is still here but "Not here."... Thanks again....


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I keep wondering should I keep the appointment together or just go myself


Go together.



> Any words of comfort would be wonderful


It is possible that this will work out. This does happen unfortunately too often. What you wrote is a common theme in many threads here.

My story is here.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/21986-counseling-reconciliation-success.html

Try to get her to understand that bottling it up made it hard for you to respond. Usually the H doesn't know how the wife is feeling, and you can't read minds to figure it out.

Stay strong and best of luck


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

Thank you for the reply, I hope for hope. We are going in the morning and I am sure it will be emotional. I am not looking forward to it myself but I am committed to this change for the better.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I wish I had more to say or advise. It seems like you are headed in the right direction and know what to do. 

The only things I can stress are:
-MC is hard. Changing yourself isn't easy. Especially when everyone is hurt and doesn't know the right way to do it.
-Learning to communicate a new way is hard and awkward. Its hard to know what to say, why, and in what tone. 
-Find books that talk to you. I really liked Gottman's books because I work in science and he was a scientist. 

Finally, I can tell from your post that you love your wife, you want to make it work, and that you mostly already know the issues and what needs to be fixed. I really hope your wife sees this too. Even if it takes separating, hopefully you can show your wife in the time before and during separation that you want to make a good life for the two of you, and I hope she will want to stay.


I'm sorry this happened. My wife also didn't voice her unhappyness and why she was unhappy until she was ready to leave. I couldn't fix anything if i'm hurt and I don't know why shes unhappy.

Please feel free to update your story with any questions or issues. Now comes the hard part and the vast unknown.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

anx said:


> I'm sorry this happened. My wife also didn't voice her unhappyness and why she was unhappy until she was ready to leave. I couldn't fix anything if i'm hurt and I don't know why shes unhappy.


same here


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

She would every now and then drop hints but never just grabbed me and stated what she wanted. And like the big stupid idiot I am I just seemed to overlook what she was saying think the whole time that I buy her nice things, she has a great house to live in, nice cars and really does not even have to work. I feel like such a fool for being so blind and wrapped up in me. All she said yesterday was she wanted to be first in my life now and then because she has never been first in anyones life. Made me cry, but not in front of her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

While you wait for marriage counseling to get here, try this...

Pilot Light Love In Just Five Minutes A Day


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

I just seen a text message between her and her best friend. In it she says that she "did not want to go to the therapy." and she hope that when its over today I will just leave her alone. Her friend is just asking the basics like "Did he argue with you?" etc. Although she of course is siding with my wife she seems to be pretty neutral and really just letting my wife make her own mind up. She also mentions how awful I have been in ignoring her and said some horrible things about me to her friend, but I should expect this right? Again, her friend seems more like she is listening rather than making snap judgements. I am in agony, but I have not argued with her, I have been polite, very light conversation. She is still very, very distant and extremely cold and only talks to me when needed or if I say something. Just an update.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

As an aside - 6'1" and 250 lbs is very heavy. Did you gain a ton of weight since marriage, or always like that with her?

So sorry if this is like kicking you when you are down - but if the weight is an issue to her, then you have to taken some sort of action on that. Most women find that much weight a major turn off.


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

Not kicking me at all... I was about this size when I met her. Its not all fat either LOL. I am actually working on that as well and I hope to see some big changes.


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

We went to our first day of therapy today and I could not help myself, I was blubbering like a five year old and as I looked at her she was still as beautiful to me as the day I married her. She started out by telling the therapist that she was only here because I basically said I would leave her alone if she went and at least tried. 

The therapist was kind and very informative and I could not believe he actually had her do most of the talking for a full two hour session. She cried some and then every time he would ask if she thought that she was giving up too much she said "No, and her mind is made up.". He asked this on about four occasions very nicely and each time she said that its over and she is only there because of my son. He did say to her that he thinks she is very angry and that she needs to think about what she is giving up without working harder to make it better for herself and everyone. 

She agreed with many of his points about her state of mind and her being angry and that she also allowed this to get as far as it did and at the end of the session, she happily agreed to another next week. She did state that it was only to help me through this and to help prepare for her eventual exit come the end of may. She would talk as if she was empowered and then just a quickly she would cry. She originally was so angry about going and now agreed to another visit. Since I am new to this it seems so strange.

He asked me all the standard questions and I had told him all of the things I knew I did wrong and also was told things that I had done that I was not aware of or thought was bad and I was in tears because it seems so simple to avoid this if you just listen to your wife. All mine repeats is I should have just paid attention to her, done the little things she asked and just generally be there more than I was. But like a big dumb guy, I focused on the big things and basically ignored the rest and even made fun of her when she wanted to do those things. I though I was being funny but I was being and idiot.

My family MD after much pleading from me has put me on 20mg of Lexapro (Anti depression) and Ambien so I can sleep. He was very hesitant to put me on the Lexapro but I am a total mess and to be honest I need it. 

Last question, everyone keeps talking about the 180 program. I have already been in that mode but not because of the "180" but just because it seems like the right thing to do. The odd part is that she is angry / "Out of love." because I ignored her, so how does doing that even more help? I am soooo confused. Thanks again..


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Watch for the very common sexual side effects from the Lexapro. If you have any immediately report to your doctor.

Wellbutrin is generally the anti-depressant I advise.


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

Atholk said:


> Watch for the very common sexual side effects from the Lexapro. If you have any immediately report to your doctor.
> 
> Wellbutrin is generally the anti-depressant I advise.


So far the anti depressants seem to help, it kind of counters the ambient. She said she hates me again and is cold so no change. Should I stay in the same bed? No intimacy of course, or go to another room?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What can anyone say? It's over. Dead and over and out. What you describe is seething hatred on your wife's part, for whatever reason. She has a ton of her own issues it sounds like and whether you two are together or not she going to have to deal with them if she ever wants a normal relationship again. No need to beat yourself up over her personality.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay in your bed, shes the one with the problem let her sleep on the couch.


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

the guy said:


> Stay in your bed, shes the one with the problem let her sleep on the couch.



I am still gonna try, it's only been 7 days since she dropped the D bomb and said she hated me. At times she is nice but distant. I can't expect changes overnight. I am working on me as well and giving her as much space as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Ok, I am going to play devils advocate. I came from an abuse family,physically and emotionally. They still like to play games. I hold things in just like your wife and then all the resentment comes blowing out like a time bomb. She has had her fill. For years my hubby neglected me and our kids. I would hint thinking he would catch on, and he would do something stupid and I just wanted to scream. Unfortunatley, our financial situation is different due to my son's medical issues,but I am not a material girl. It means more to me if he made me dinner, took me out to the movies, sent me flowers, or even a card left in my car.once he left a teddy bear inside my suitcase when I was dating him. I was flying out for a wedding. We have been married 18 years and to this day that teddy bear goes with me.

As long as she agrees to a couple of counseling sessions and is going with you, I would not leave that bedroom. That will create even a bigger space between the two of you. Go back to the little things. Put a single rose in her car the day after a session and leave a note telling her how much you appreciate her coming with you. She complained you didn't take her to a movie,then take her to a fun dinner place so the tension can't overcloud the evening. Like Dave and Busters, or a japenese place that cooks in front of you. That will keep tensions from spoiling things. Don't do anything big. She will think you are doing it just because she griped about it.

If you continue to do the small things, work on yourself, and continue to work on things,you might have a chance. She has built up soooo much resentment that she can't see past her anger. When you first start doing it, she will deject you, remain calm tell her you love her and you are changing. You have some time,use it wisely. Most importantly, if you win her back,never take her for granted again. It hurts and when you have no family to turn to and your best friend takes you for granted, the scar runs deep. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

Thank you for the advice... She is not in a place to let me do those things right now. She and I just had a nice small talk and she is extremely angry and although she is trying to be nice she will tear up and begin to tell me the things I did not do. She still is saying that she is leaving no matter what.

I will give it some time before I start dong the rose and small gifts. I have been just being nice, small talk, doing alot more around the house (never really a problem). I will try to do those things when she stops being as angry.

Thanks..


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## 06hdfxdwg (Feb 14, 2011)

I think you're beating yourself up a little too much here. Ive noticed in alot of these stories that the husbands are demonized because they didn't get suttle hints or perhaps they didn't get some sort of message that wrapped in some sort of riddle,so to speak. I say B******T!!!!! If a mans wife cant just come out and say whatever it is her needs/wants are then they have noone to blame but themselves. Likewise,if the hubby cant open his mouth,then he has noone but himself to blame. Communication is a two way street and if theres something i need i say something and i say it louder each time i have to repeat it if shes not listening. 
I say stay in ur room and if she isnt comfy with that then let her move out of the bedroom and sleep on the couch. It seems typical that when she says she wants to leave the men always beat themselves up,yet the problem is they let the anger and resentment build to a point where leaving to them is the only option. I say go to counseling if it would help,but i wouldnt blubber like a baby and dont take all the blame. In my opinion,each time you cry ,she loses a bit more respect for you. Dont be mean,but stand your ground,be fair but firm and if you have issues,then make them known as well.....after all,you're not the only one whos done wrong here. Make sure she knows the passive aggresiveness is a load of horse puckey as well and if she has needs,then she needs to make them known clearly instead of just dropping hints. After all,you're not a mind reader either.


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## bowdersg23 (Feb 23, 2011)

She left her cell phone on the bed and I seen her messeges to her best friend. Her best friend asked "If I was nagging her." my wife replied "No, I was just sitting at the breakfast bar and that she hoped I would not even look at her.". She then said in the text that "She needed to start a countdown." I suppose thats to when she leaves. I know I have done really stupid things, but she even admitted she let it go on for too long and helped let herself get the way she is. This is really the first time she has ever threatened to leave in our nine years so why does it have to be so final? 

Those texts hurt, I admit, but its to be expected since she has already said she hates and is leaving me. I would give my eyes for a second chance. I am keeping my distance and just being nice. Right now I am the enemy, no doubt. She sees me as a huge obstacle in her way right now. I am certain she has said other unpleasant things to her friend. Her friend really has only said cheerful things like "Your young and beautiful and everything will be allright." and nothing really awful about me so I guess thats ok. I hope someday she begins to see some good again and perhaps change her mind. I assure you, this whole relationship was not terrible. Two weeks before she snapped she was still talking about the future with us. Its strange...


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