# Strange problem



## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

After several years of marriage I just realized that my husband cannot get an erection without first performing oral on me. At first I thought it was just a preference of his but now I've noticed that nothing happens when I touch him. It doesn't sound like a bad problem to have but he doesn't pay attention to anything above the belt and I'm frustrated by the amount of time it takes him to get ready and he's frustrated that I'm not totally into to. We lack intimacy in general so it's difficult for me to get in the right frame of mind for lackluster sex. Once he's ready for intercourse it's over in less than a few minutes. I would to discuss this with him but he's not the easiest person to talk to and sex is a touchy subject for him because he will take it personally. I don't know if a pill would help but I suspect this is something psychological. I would appreciate any advice on this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Could be psychological. But even if it is Viagara et al will still help.

I wonder if your husband knows that his version of love making makes you feel like a piece of meat in use to gain an erection and a place to put it. You say he doesn't like to talk about it and get touchy. I take it this means you haven't been fully honest with him about this upsets you?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Ms X
I see two different issues. Him only getting an erection after giving you oral seems pretty minor - assuming you enjoy receiving. It limits the order in which you can do things, but not too badly.

Him not paying attention above the belt is a much bigger issues. Have you let him know?




Mrs.X said:


> After several years of marriage I just realized that my husband cannot get an erection without first performing oral on me. At first I thought it was just a preference of his but now I've noticed that nothing happens when I touch him. It doesn't sound like a bad problem to have but he doesn't pay attention to anything above the belt and I'm frustrated by the amount of time it takes him to get ready and he's frustrated that I'm not totally into to. We lack intimacy in general so it's difficult for me to get in the right frame of mind for lackluster sex. Once he's ready for intercourse it's over in less than a few minutes. I would to discuss this with him but he's not the easiest person to talk to and sex is a touchy subject for him because he will take it personally. I don't know if a pill would help but I suspect this is something psychological. I would appreciate any advice on this.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

He's a deviant. That doesn't mean that he's a pervert or has sick sexual proclivities. What I mean by that is that he's fixated on something specific that is the only avenue that he can use to gain an erection. My question would be once he gets the erection, is it a race against the clock until he loses it? If from the time he gets hard from giving you oral until he ejaculates is about 2 - 4 minutes total, is he practically flaccid when he pulls it out? If so, then I think he's more than likely fighting ED and he's keyed on something that he knows will work to get him up there. Also, he may be rushing to get it done before he loses it.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Could be psychological. But even if it is Viagara et al will still help.
> 
> I wonder if your husband knows that his version of love making makes you feel like a piece of meat in use to gain an erection and a place to put it. You say he doesn't like to talk about it and get touchy. I take it this means you haven't been fully honest with him about this upsets you?


He doesn't know because I just figured it out myself and we haven't had an opportunity to discuss because he is still in a bad mood over what he perceives as my rejection, simply because I wasn't content to lay there like a statue. He is very good at it and I usually enjoy it but not if he just dives right in.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Ms X
> I see two different issues. Him only getting an erection after giving you oral seems pretty minor - assuming you enjoy receiving. It limits the order in which you can do things, but not too badly.
> 
> Him not paying attention above the belt is a much bigger issues. Have you let him know?


Good evening! I've told him about paying attention above the belt before and that only works for one night. Even then he gropes me quickly then moves down south.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> He's a deviant. That doesn't mean that he's a pervert or has sick sexual proclivities. What I mean by that is that he's fixated on something specific that is the only avenue that he can use to gain an erection. My question would be once he gets the erection, is it a race against the clock until he loses it? If from the time he gets hard from giving you oral until he ejaculates is about 2 - 4 minutes total, is he practically flaccid when he pulls it out? If so, then I think he's more than likely fighting ED and he's keyed on something that he knows will work to get him up there. Also, he may be rushing to get it done before he loses it.


Thank you for explaining this. In the earlier days of our relationship he asked me to watch porn with him as a way to spice things up but he was only interested in girl on girl, so after a couple tries I gave up because it didn't turn me on. All the pieces are falling into place now and I realize that he is fixated on oral. Sometimes he can "finish" on his own while giving so once he gets close he stops and we have intercourse for about 2 minutes max, then he's flaccid fairly soon after.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mrs.X said:


> Thank you for explaining this. In the earlier days of our relationship he asked me to watch porn with him as a way to spice things up but he was only interested in girl on girl, so after a couple tries I gave up because it didn't turn me on. All the pieces are falling into place now and I realize that he is fixated on oral. Sometimes he can "finish" on his own while giving so once he gets close he stops and we have intercourse for about 2 minutes max, then he's flaccid fairly soon after.


How old is he? What is his general health and activity/fitness level?

I think plan9 was right. He is masking his ED. Time for a trip to the doc.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Perhaps he is mostly responding to you having a physical orgasm via oral (even if it lacks a desired emotional connection). 

Try denying his access to give you oral but still demonstrate an orgasm while you have a more traditional embrace. As for the means of achieving orgasm just be creative but try to specifically avoid oral. This will let you know if he is primarily getting aroused by your orgasm which will perhaps unlock some variety and a better connection.

Cheers...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This thread just doesn't compute. It's like a guy coming on here saying 'my wife doesn't get wet unless she gives me a bj first'. And that's a problem how?


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Mrs.X said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you for explaining this. In the earlier days of our relationship he asked me to watch porn with him as a way to spice things up but he was only interested in girl on girl, so after a couple tries I gave up because it didn't turn me on. All the pieces are falling into place now and I realize that he is fixated on oral. Sometimes he can "finish" on his own while giving so once he gets close he stops and we have intercourse for about 2 minutes max, then he's flaccid fairly soon after.
> ...


He's 50 and this has been going on for a couple years. He's gained weight and that's definitely affected his performance and stamina. He sees his doctor regularly and is fairly healthy but needs to lose 50 pounds. If he doesn't he won't be fairly healthy for much longer. He just started an exercise program a couple months ago.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This thread just doesn't compute. It's like a guy coming on here saying 'my wife doesn't get wet unless she gives me a bj first'. And that's a problem how?


I suppose some women would be ok with having attention given to one part of her body while the rest of it is ignored, including her mind and not being an active participant with her partner because he's down there for a while so she can only rub his head. That's fine if getting off is the goal but I would like to have a more intimate connection.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Perhaps he is mostly responding to you having a physical orgasm via oral (even if it lacks a desired emotional connection).
> 
> Try denying his access to give you oral but still demonstrate an orgasm while you have a more traditional embrace. As for the means of achieving orgasm just be creative but try to specifically avoid oral. This will let you know if he is primarily getting aroused by your orgasm which will perhaps unlock some variety and a better connection.
> 
> Cheers...


Thanks for the suggestion. He stops when he's hard, even if I don't orgasm. I'll have a conversation with him about this and see if there are other ways to arouse him.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This thread just doesn't compute. It's like a guy coming on here saying 'my wife doesn't get wet unless she gives me a bj first'. And that's a problem how?


I love pizza, but if I had to eat it everyday and never have access to other foods then I would eventually come to hate it. It sounds like the same pattern all the time, except as she wrote that sometimes she gets off sometimes she doesn't. He stays down there long enough to get hard, stops, sticks it in and races the clock until he loses his erection. If he doesn't get her off via oral before they go to PIV, does he get her off afterwards? Bet they always do it missionary too.

Sounds like the H is now going the diet and exercise route. Hopefully the weight loss plus exercise will increase the T and the reduced weight around the middle allow for improved blood flow so that they can have more variety. The H is a selfish lover it sounds like, but that's again probably being driven by the ED. If neither are good at communication about sex, then I can see why these problems are lingering without a concrete plan to improve things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mrs.X said:


> I suppose some women would be ok with having attention given to one part of her body while the rest of it is ignored, including her mind and not being an active participant with her partner because he's down there for a while so she can only rub his head. That's fine if getting off is the goal but I would like to have a more intimate connection.


This is the real trouble. Your husband is so focused on making sure his equipment is working sex has become mechanical, predictable, and boring. The emotional connection that should be spiking as a result of physical contact is actually getting worse because you aren't feeling anything FROM him, prior to, during and even afterward. It's all mechanics. No woman is going to be satisfied with that and frankly neither would most men. We all need to feel emotionally connected to what's happening.

So you've got two problems to contend with. His ED and his lack of emotional build up and connection with sex.

Maybe it would be easier if you talked to him about not feeling an emotional component during sex? Give him your thoughts and suggestions about what you would like him to do. Would you like longer kissing, a long period of time spent caressing your whole body, more time spent of other erogenous zones to arouse you? Would you like him to help you orgasm first, or a few times before he penetrates you?

Stick to the above components and don't mention his ED. Maybe he will say something himself, maybe he won't. But at least he now knows you're unhappy with the way it's been and you've been specific with what you'd like.

The hope is that as you express yourself better, he understands your needs better, he can be more open himself about ED. From there he could go to the doc and get a script for Viagra or Cialis. Id recommend Viagra first because it works within an hour and it is very effective.

Post back after you've had this conversation with him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This thread just doesn't compute. It's like a guy coming on here saying 'my wife doesn't get wet unless she gives me a bj first'. And that's a problem how?


Are you saying you wouldn't care if your wife ever kissed you, held you, stroked you, seduced you? You would be happy with her simply giving you a BJ and then jumping on top when she was wet enough, humping away and then climbing off when she was done? Not matter if you had cum or not?


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

It's a problem but I can thnk of worse problems!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mrs.X said:


> *After several years of marriage *I just realized that my husband cannot get an erection without first performing oral on me.
> 
> ....We lack intimacy in general so it's difficult for me to get in the right frame of mind for lackluster sex. Once he's ready for intercourse it's over in less than a few minutes.
> 
> ....he's not the easiest person to talk to and sex is a touchy subject for him because he will take it personally. I don't know if a pill would help but I suspect this is something psychological. I would appreciate any advice on this.


Have you ever considered that in a Pavlovian way you may be partly responsible for training your husband into this condition over multiple years?

Having him bury his face and eyes in your privates may have been a way to avoid eye contact, kissing and a host of other intimate activities for the both of you.

If you want to change that, GREAT! But remember that change will take time. 

You might try talking to him and tell him that you love making love with hm and find him a wonderful lover, but that you would like him to help you fulfill a new fantasy of yours. Ask him to allow you to seduce him. Oral sex is an overpowering sensual experience that includes sight, smell and taste. There are pheremones that stimulate men.

If you have been Pavlovian training him, then you need to figure out how to "un-train" him. That will involved determining which single or combination of errection triggers are strongest in him.

You might want to start your seduction of him by either starting with 69 mutual oral or doing a strip tease and when you take off your panties, hold them next to his noise as ask him if he can tell by your scent how much you want him. See if putting his face between your breasts and smelling you there does anything for him. Try rubbing his face past your arm-pits. The point is explore and see if some of his errection triggers are scent related.

If not try taste to see if that may be an errection trigger. 

Also oral sex is a wonderful visual stimulation. You might see if spending a few minutes looking closely at your vagina is his errection trigger.

Your having him naked while seeing if his penis responds to sight, smell, taste is a good starting point in your seduction of him. Once you have that figured out then you can add touch and start your re-training process. 

Make sure you reinforce any positive responses, often and with enthusiasm.

Good luck.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I love pizza, but if I had to eat it everyday and never have access to other foods then I would eventually come to hate it. It sounds like the same pattern all the time, except as she wrote that sometimes she gets off sometimes she doesn't. He stays down there long enough to get hard, stops, sticks it in and races the clock until he loses his erection. If he doesn't get her off via oral before they go to PIV, does he get her off afterwards? Bet they always do it missionary too.
> 
> Sounds like the H is now going the diet and exercise route. Hopefully the weight loss plus exercise will increase the T and the reduced weight around the middle allow for improved blood flow so that they can have more variety. The H is a selfish lover it sounds like, but that's again probably being driven by the ED. If neither are good at communication about sex, then I can see why these problems are lingering without a concrete plan to improve things.


You've hit the nail on the head. The pattern is the same all the time and all we ever do is missionary now. I'm hoping the weight loss helps our sex life as well as his confidence and overall well being. He has been overweight for as long as I've known him and has been adding on more pounds as the years go by. Communicating with him about anything that I want him to correct is a chore and takes a lot of thought on my part in terms of carefully choosing my words because he takes everything personally.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

peacem said:


> My DH spends a long time doing oral, I like it but sometimes don't want it all the time or so prolonged. When I talked to him about it he said it was because it gave him time to get hard (he has ED issues). His reasoning was he is pleasuring me and at the same time taking his time to psychologically get there.
> 
> Once he had told me this, I took the lead and did other things to give him more time. The thing is - when he is down there I cannot get a good view of his penis. He was basically hiding his slow response from me.
> 
> This may not be the case with your DH but I thought it may be worth mentioning.


I think this is the case with my DH too.


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## Mrs.X (Apr 1, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Have you ever considered that in a Pavlovian way you may be partly responsible for training your husband into this condition over multiple years?
> 
> Having him bury his face and eyes in your privates may have been a way to avoid eye contact, kissing and a host of other intimate activities for the both of you.
> 
> ...


I've never required oral and often times I have said let's skip it and spend time in a position where we can be face to face and have physical contact with each other, such as kissing & fondling. It's not his preference but at least if we start in that way I can get warmed up before he goes down. Even when I take the lead and try other positions (me on top) and give attention to his erogenous zones he always ends up doing oral so he can get going. I'll try some things and hope that he can be aroused in other ways.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mrs.X said:


> *I've never required oral *and often times I have said let's skip it and spend time in a position where we can be face to face and have physical contact with each other, such as kissing & fondling. *It's not his preference *but at least if we start in that way I can get warmed up before he goes down. Even when I take the lead and try other positions (me on top) and give attention to his erogenous zones *he always ends up doing oral so he can get going*. I'll try some things and hope that he can be aroused in other ways.


Do you understand the concept of conditioned response? This is not about original preferences, this is about programming creating the only option he knowes to achieve intimacy and sexual release with you.

You know generally what triggers your H's errection. That is a huge step.

Now you need to *figure out which aspects *of his doing oral on you trigger his errection. Probably trial and error (or stimulation and observation) is the way for you to figure this out. 

Obviously, if you can talk to him about it, it would all be easier, but he may not really know. It might all be on a subconscious level to him that he can't express in words.

Good luck.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Are you saying you wouldn't care if your wife ever kissed you, held you, stroked you, seduced you? You would be happy with her simply giving you a BJ and then jumping on top when she was wet enough, humping away and then climbing off when she was done? Not matter if you had cum or not?


Dang, can you teach my wife how to express this kind of thing?

Where is that cold shower?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

peacem said:


> My DH spends a long time doing oral, I like it but sometimes don't want it all the time or so prolonged. When I talked to him about it he said it was because it gave him time to get hard (he has ED issues). His reasoning was he is pleasuring me and at the same time taking his time to psychologically get there.
> 
> Once he had told me this, I took the lead and did other things to give him more time. The thing is - when he is down there I cannot get a good view of his penis. He was basically hiding his slow response from me.
> 
> This may not be the case with your DH but I thought it may be worth mentioning.


I know I'm not helping the OP but I can see Mrs. Nails saying this. She gets a kick from watching / feeling the growth. 

I'm starting to see a pillow talk communication issue here and with weight and 50 years, I'd get some of those pills.
MN


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