# Roommates and now cheating



## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

So much to tell in so little space. 

Suffice it to say that I, through my lack of initiative for sex, turned my marriage into a roommate relationship. My wife could not stand this after 16 years (and I, in many ways, cannot blame her), and decided to lose a bunch of weight, do self-improvement and go looking for someone to pay attention to her. He is a long-distance "friend", but now she has gone 2 states away to visit him for a couple of weeks. 

Just prior to this, she announced that she wanted a separation, I suppose, in her mind, to free her to have this fling from (somewhat) within our marriage. She's now been gone for over a week, and I'm agonizing over the end of our marriage. We are, by the way, conducting our separation from under one roof, as neither can afford to move out and away.

I guess I'd like some perspective from anyone who has been through a similar thing. I believe that, at this point, I might forgive infidelity, as I feel I drove her to it, but on the other hand, I appreciate the sanctity of marriage, and am very upset that she would exit our marriage this way. I want to reconcile if at all possible.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just because you are not wanting sex doesn't give her the right to cheat.

Pack her stuff and put it in the garage.If she can go away for 2 weeks, she can move out. 

Don't do this to yourself. She is not respecting you. Do something that will get her attention and let her know that you are NOT a doormat. Her behaviour is disgraceful.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

We all know you can't kick her out but for effect also I would change the locks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Well, that complicates things. She is something of a hoarder, and the garage is already full, as is the basement and everywhere else. So that's not a solution in this case. But I appreciate your sentiment. 

Either of us moving out right now is financially impossible.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Financially impossible for who? You or her? because making her move out because she is bonking another man is your right. That's her problem if she has no money. 

If she's a hoarder, call up a donation place and have them clean the place out. 

You have options. Just gotta do them.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

bobka said:


> I want to reconcile if at all possible.


It takes two to reconcile. If she doesn't want to there is very little you can do.

Additionally separated is not divorced, she is still a married woman, and it certainly appears she is cheating. Despite your shortcomings in the marriage, whatever they may be, cheating is on her, not you. She could have worked with you on the marriage and failing that she could have asked for divorce before taking up with another man. 

You can try to change the things that you think drove her away, to be a better husband, but you still have to address her cheating - which if you do it successfully might just be the most effective thing you can do bring her back. You have to man up, put your foot down, and tell her you refuse to be in a marriage with three people and she must choose, and if she is unable to choose you're moving on without her while she considers things. Be proactive, pick a course, lay it out, and follow it. Be alpha.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

add to my last... financial consequences be damned.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Financically crippled to move out, but not financially strapped to visit someone for 2 week several states away?


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Just because you are not wanting sex doesn't give her the right to cheat.
> 
> Pack her stuff and put it in the garage.If she can go away for 2 weeks, she can move out.
> 
> Don't do this to yourself. She is not respecting you. Do something that will get her attention and let her know that you are NOT a doormat. Her behaviour is disgraceful.


Well said. Put her stuff out!! :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

bobka;1117798He is a long-distance "friend" said:


> As far as I'm concerned that would be all she wrote....no need for separation just straight on to divorce.You don't say whether or not you have kids?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

What are your ages ??
To believe in the Sanctity of marriage means to make sure your partner has what they need, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Not beating you up, but pointing out how you was lacking in your duty to her.

Ok, now as for her, she is a straight out disrespecting you, herself, and her vows.
You know what ?? there is so much wrong with this marriage and the two of you hat I am darn near stumped.

Example, she hoards, you ignore it, knowing thats a mental issue
You don't want sex. she fustrated hoard more.
You know at your age you should want sex, bt won't get an exam to see if its low T count. Or you watch porn for your release.

The cheating is bad, but this maybe what you need to finally take a look at your marriage.
Then again, he may want her to move there, and you will only have yourself to work on.

How does your house look, clean or sloppy. What are your routine, hers ?? 

Ladies and gents, I think there is much more here than what we are being told.

I understand your fear, but is it that if she leaves, you will have to cook, clean, and get your own beer ???

And yes, this is not my usual, but something just jumped out at me, and pushed me in this direction.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

I hope you're not helping pay for her trip.

Do not have sex with her again without her providing negative results from STD tests, even if you reconcile.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, you are in a bad place. However, all is not lost. It might be possible for you to recover your marriage, or to have a new marriage together.

You will need couples counselling, however.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi.
She is treating you with utter contempt.
"Hey bobka I am going on vacation for two weeks with my new man. You look after the house, pay the bills, look after my stuff while I give myself to him."

Anything wrong with that?

She sounds like she is done.You need to show her that this is okay with you, but you must ACT and act NOW.

Read up on the 180. 
Grow some and start acting like the man she fell in love with.

Contact her and tell her to come home today, or it is over.
Mean it.

When, and I say when because I think she is pretty much done, she refuses and gets angry with you for suggesting such a thing. 
BE CALM. 

Tell her that she needs to start thinking about where she is going to put her stuff.
Start splitting your finances.
Cancel shared credit cards.
While she is gone. Work out where and what YOU can afford.

Do you have kids? 
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. She gets to leave. She wants a new life with Mr marvelous 2 states away. She gets it.



This is going to get way worse before it gets better. The life as you knew it has gone . Forever. Trust the advice on here. It counter intuitive and it is tough, but it is designed to help you recover.

Do not tell her about this site. Password protect your computer. She is no longer your friend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A-freakin-men.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> What are your ages ??
> To believe in the Sanctity of marriage means to make sure your partner has what they need, mentally, emotionally and physically.
> 
> Not beating you up, but pointing out how you was lacking in your duty to her.
> ...



I tend to think there is a bigger story too, but this can not be addressed while the affair is in progress. 
If there is any hope for this marriage the affair must end. 
TAM affair busting still has to apply. 

She sounds like a walkaway wife to me. The affair may be just the exit. We won't know without more info though.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> A-freakin-men.


I'm a ***** cat really
ok. TAM censor bot.. 

a gentle feline?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you have children?

BTW take as much space as you need to tell your story.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bobka said:


> She is something of a hoarder...


Yuck!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Terminate all joint CC
2. Move your pay and 50% of assets to a you only account
3. Prepare the house for sale by dumping and selling all you can
4. Exposé her cheating to friends, family, the World
5. Exposé the OM to his friends, family etc.


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## Picking up the pieces (Oct 7, 2012)

My husband and I have been trying to reconcile for a year (he's having an affair with someone I know and it's been going on about 3 years) and we're kind of under the same roof. He spends some nights with that person (they work and have to go out of town and he also spends nights over there partly because we live very far away and rely on public transportation to get around and he can't get home in under 2 hours at night, etc.). But I can tell you this, if you're going to continue to try to reconcile under the same roof and she's going to keep going to visit her "friend", be prepared for absolute h*ll. It hurts like nothing I can say to watch them walk out the door. And when they come back.... just be ready to go through h*ll. I can't say "kick her out" because I know you maybe can't. I can't kick mine out. Financially AND because I still want him, too.  It's hard, isn't it? I hope things work out for you.


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Bobka i would empty the clutter if only to reduce the fire risk lots of clutter equals lots of chances of fire possabity of being trapped i would use that as an excuse and see what the result is as for the future like the house start with a clean slate and a uncluttered mind its your life so live it


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bobka said:


> Suffice it to say that I, through my lack of initiative for sex, turned my marriage into a roommate relationship. My wife could not stand this after 16 years (and I, in many ways, cannot blame her), and decided to lose a bunch of weight, do self-improvement and go looking for someone to pay attention to her.


When women start losing weight and trying to look good, they have already decided to find and attract a more worthy male. I'm going out a limb (not much of one) and guess that she lost weight and you kept getting fatter. Which brings us to the root of the problem which she used as a pretext for her adultery: your disinterest in plowing her good and proper on a daily basis. The fatter the male gets, the more estrogen and the less testosterone he produces. The higher the estrogen in the male, the fatter he gets. It's a closed feedback loop that's turning you into a girl-repellant eunuch, for all practical purposes.

Did you get that? Not only do you not want to have sex with a woman, they don't want to have sex with you. Once you get your waist/chest ratio out of whack, you become invisible to women. Been there, done that.

Go on Atkins induction and stay there until you get a 32" waist. Simultaneously, take up bodybuilding. See your doctor about a T panel workup, you're clearly deficient. You want it around 700-800. Cool how I can diagnose that over the internet, ain't it?

Take advantage of your wife's absence while she is on her sex tour to haul off the crap in the garage. Better yet, have a garage sale and make some lawyer retainer money.

If you want to get your wife back, that's a tall order. She checked out the first time she said no to a hot fudge sundae. Your only chance is to whip your body into shape ASAP and learn how to get in touch with her limbic brain. Read Roissy and Married Man Sex Life. The lessons learned will be useless, though, unless you fix your hormonal and physical deficiencies first.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

bobka said:


> Suffice it to say that I, through my lack of initiative for sex, turned my marriage into a roommate relationship.
> 
> ..., she announced that she wanted a separation, I suppose, in her mind, to free her to have this fling from (somewhat) within our marriage.


But this is not cheating, it is an open marriage if she told you beforehand. And since you condone it, wel,l it's OK.

Most of the time people feel betrayed _after_ an affair, you knew before, and _you _betrayed the marriage first by turning it in an sexless relationship.

So this is the ideal situation actually, one would have liked the spouse to talk about the problem, divorce beforehand, then have a PA.
All the criticism if people do it otherwise means this is the right way.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Is it an affair if the spouse is totally upfront before anything happens? Don't get me wrong, what she is doing is clearly wrong. I don't know, I guess this one has this newbie a bit confused.

Why does a man stop having interest in sex? Would you be willing to work on this with your wife? Do you think she would be willing to try and work on the marriage if she has to to watch you work to have sex with her?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> When women start losing weight and trying to look good, they have already decided to find and attract a more worthy male. I'm going out a limb (not much of one) and guess that she lost weight and you kept getting fatter. Which brings us to the root of the problem which she used as a pretext for her adultery: your disinterest in plowing her good and proper on a daily basis. The fatter the male gets, the more estrogen and the less testosterone he produces. The higher the estrogen in the male, the fatter he gets. It's a closed feedback loop that's turning you into a girl-repellant eunuch, for all practical purposes.
> 
> Did you get that? Not only do you not want to have sex with a woman, they don't want to have sex with you. Once you get your waist/chest ratio out of whack, you become invisible to women. Been there, done that.
> 
> ...


Naw, I lost weight, too. 70 lbs (Atkins). I'm looking alright. And my testoterone tests fine. For the rest of you, we have two grown kids who don't live at home with us.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Falene said:


> Is it an affair if the spouse is totally upfront before anything happens? Don't get me wrong, what she is doing is clearly wrong. I don't know, I guess this one has this newbie a bit confused.
> 
> Why does a man stop having interest in sex? Would you be willing to work on this with your wife? Do you think she would be willing to try and work on the marriage if she has to to watch you work to have sex with her?


I have bipolar disorder, and the meds I take are libido-killers. That's the main reason for my lack of desire for sex. We have tried to work on this in the past, but I just couldn't make it happen to her satisfaction.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

That makes sense. I was under the impression it was a choice and not a medical issue.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I know this is a dumb question, but you have explored other medications? Is your doctor actively working with you to find a medication system that helps in that area?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> The fatter the male gets, the more estrogen and the less testosterone he produces. The higher the estrogen in the male, the fatter he gets. It's a closed feedback loop that's turning you into a girl-repellant eunuch, for all practical purposes.
> 
> Did you get that? Not only do you not want to have sex with a woman, they don't want to have sex with you. Once you get your waist/chest ratio out of whack, you become invisible to women. Been there, done that.


Not only that, but estrogen feeds depression and makes it worse. Lack of vitamin c brings you anxiety/panic attacks and inability to cope with stress (cortisol)


Your wife wanting space is a sign that she wants to SCREW AROUND and JUSTIFY it in her mind as being MORALLY FINE because "we were separated"

Man, this sux to hear but, she's off on a 2 week fu** fest and it even disgusts me to say it. 


Start working out now, eating healthy, and forget the atkins, if you're that much overweight what you need is THE JUICE DIET. Either buy a juicer and start juicing yourself to keep you busy or just buy bolthouse juice and stick to 64-100 of juice with about 1 gallon of water a day. You'll drop insane amount of weight in little time and have insane amount of energy after the first 3 days ("hang over period" some do not feel it though). I've used that method with many of my clients many times, obviously that is just the tip of the iceberg of what I really have them do.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

bobka said:


> Naw, I lost weight, too. 70 lbs (Atkins). I'm looking alright. And my testoterone tests fine. For the rest of you, we have two grown kids who don't live at home with us.


Seems, I got ahead of myself, keep going strong.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Falene said:


> That makes sense. I was under the impression it was a choice and not a medical issue.
> 
> I am so sorry you are in this situation. I know this is a dumb question, but you have explored other medications? Is your doctor actively working with you to find a medication system that helps in that area?


Yeah, we have switched meds several times, trying to fix this. But to tell the truth, it's never just one thing. I'm sure I have some resentment or other stuff I'm working out through my withholdiong of intimacy.

As I'm sure we all know, this stuff is complicated, and there's never any one solution. I'm just seeking some comfort and some possible good advice. Stuff like "Pack up her $*** and put it on the doorstep" is not very helpful.

Thanks, Faline.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Mtts said:


> Financically crippled to move out, but not financially strapped to visit someone for 2 week several states away?


He's paying for everything, okay?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

TBT said:


> As far as I'm concerned that would be all she wrote....no need for separation just straight on to divorce.You don't say whether or not you have kids?


2 kids, both grown and living on their own. But still young.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you know who the OM is?

Something tells me you are being set up for free storage!

As time goes on and OM pays for his booty call by bringing your wife out there, when ever he has a need fo her, you will get more resentful.

As you continue to share your wife you will see there bond grow.


My I suggest you find the OM email adress and send him some picture of all your wifes stuff......you moght be able to end this affair.

Hell the OM might even be married and if you know enough about this OM you can expose the affair by telling his wife.


For 16 years your wife's bandaids were shopping and hoarding, now that she has a boyfriend you won't have to deal with her bringing any more crap home other then a STD.

Stop making this affair concvienent and comfortable, stop sharing your wife....but thats just me.


When was the last time you heard from her....when was the last time any one has heard from her.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bobka said:


> Naw, I lost weight, too. 70 lbs (Atkins). I'm looking alright. And my testoterone tests fine. For the rest of you, we have two grown kids who don't live at home with us.


Glad to hear it. What's your number? What's your workout look like?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bobka said:


> i have bipolar disorder, and the meds i take are libido-killers. That's the main reason for my lack of desire for sex. We have tried to work on this in the past, but i just couldn't make it happen to her satisfaction.



pt-141


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bobka said:


> Yeah, we have switched meds several times, trying to fix this. But to tell the truth, it's never just one thing. I'm sure I have some resentment or other stuff I'm working out through my withholdiong of intimacy.
> 
> As I'm sure we all know, this stuff is complicated, and there's never any one solution. I'm just seeking some comfort and some possible good advice. *Stuff like "Pack up her $*** and put it on the doorstep" is not very helpful.*


Go here and start reading. That whole website is a goldmine for men. You need to learn more about how to build and hold female attraction. The fact that you've got a medical issue and your wife is behaving this way makes her out to be much worse than the first impression you gave. How often do women hit on you out in public?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bobka said:


> 2 kids, both grown and living on their own. But still young.


Do they know the score?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Do they know the score?


She's supposed to tell them. But I do not know if she's done this yet. If they hear about it 3rd-hand, it will not be pretty.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Well, you are in a bad place. However, all is not lost. It might be possible for you to recover your marriage, or to have a new marriage together.
> 
> You will need couples counselling, however.


Right before she announced that she wanted a separation, we had a counseling appointment, and she refused to attend. We had sought counseling in the past, and I had been admonished to "pursue her", but I guess I never did, at least not to her satisfaction. She truly feels that things can not get better, and at this point, I'm not sure how they could. I blew it, and now I'm paying.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Financially impossible for who? You or her? because making her move out because she is bonking another man is your right. That's her problem if she has no money.
> 
> If she's a hoarder, call up a donation place and have them clean the place out.
> 
> You have options. Just gotta do them.


This is all so easy to say. So I am supposed to put her on the street, a woman I have loved for 16 years, with no resources? Then who's being cruel?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> 1. Terminate all joint CC
> 2. Move your pay and 50% of assets to a you only account
> 3. Prepare the house for sale by dumping and selling all you can
> 4. Exposé her cheating to friends, family, the World
> 5. Exposé the OM to his friends, family etc.


What good will exposing them do? Who will this help?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> What are your ages ??
> To believe in the Sanctity of marriage means to make sure your partner has what they need, mentally, emotionally and physically.
> 
> Not beating you up, but pointing out how you was lacking in your duty to her.
> ...


I am not afraid of being alone. I've been alone before, and can do it again. But I want my marriage. Is that crazy?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

bobka said:


> What good will exposing them do? Who will this help?


*You*. Exposing will help _you_. 

Your cheating wife, as of right now, is having a wonderful sexual affair and is suffering absolutely no consequences for it. She's in la-la land, with bunnies and puppies and "I love yous" and lots and lots of sex. Fantasy. And why wouldn't she be? She has no real life issues to deal with when she's with her lover - no responsibilities, no kids, no bills, no sick husband. Just raw passion and excitement.

She has faced no consequences for breaking her marital vows and betraying you. Forcing her to take some responsibility for her affair by owning up to it to the people she cares about (family, her children) is a sure way to make her absurd fantasy a very ugly reality.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Falene said:


> Is it an affair if the spouse is totally upfront before anything happens?


That's what my wife did. Still hurt like f***, though.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

bobk, I got the feeling there was much more, still, I do feel for you.
No, there is nothing wrong with wanting your marriage.

I think what I felt, was that the normal affair buster tool would have not effect in this case.

Honestly, after 16 yrs I think your wife has just had enough. I could be wrong, but I just don't feel the touch I get from the threads I post on.

I am not very good with the R scene, My thing is getting BS to take action. Hopefully others will be able to guide you.

Question,,,, Have you ever read "Games People Play" ?? Its from the 70s but is on point today. 
Your condition combined with the games you employed during your marriage, may have doomed it.

Question,,, Do you love her enough to let her go and treat her fairly in a D ???

Now don't go thinking I'm right about your marriage, I'm PRAYING you guys can turn it around.

Good Luck, and I'm sorry you are here.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bobka said:


> Right before she announced that she wanted a separation, we had a counseling appointment, and she refused to attend. We had sought counseling in the past, and I had been admonished to "pursue her", but I guess I never did, at least not to her satisfaction. She truly feels that things can not get better, and at this point, I'm not sure how they could. I blew it, and now I'm paying.


No sex has always been a legitimate reason for divorce. That's divorce, not adultery. Your wife being upfront about her going off to screw this guy for 2 weeks against your wishes means she is over the top in her cruelty towards you. Divorce is cruel, but not like this. if things were bad before, your wife has just made them 100X worse and pissed all over you in the process.

This is like VN, to save the village [marriage], you have to burn it. Get out your zippo, bag her sh!t, and ship it off somewhere. Have the papers ready for her to sign when she gets home. Begging just makes you look weaker. At this point, if you stay with her, you're a wittol. Tell the kids today and start dating. Since you've got a great physique, you've already got a better SMV than 90% of your age cohort. Are you employed?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

bobk, pay attention to Mach, warlock, aug, and shaggy. These ppl have helped more BS on here than I will ever.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The objective here is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue.

All these fine folks have been there and have been around this forumn lon enough to know what works and what doesn't.

Again all these tactics that we are mentioning are ment to make the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable. 

In doing these thing you hope to get your wifes boyfriend out of the picture. As long as he is still in the picture the marriage is doomed.

Get it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OldWolf57 said:


> bobk, pay attention to Mach, warlock, aug, and shaggy. These ppl have helped more BS on here than I will ever.


Don't sell your self short OldWolf57


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

the guy said:


> Don't sell your self short OldWolf57


:iagree:

And neither should you btw.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

thanks


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sucks that OP is so caught up in this unconditional love thing that he is excepting the doormat role and giving his kids a crappy example of a man that has no self respect and self esteem....instead he shows a great examble of codependency.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bobka

All I am going to say is this.

If I knew my wife was with her BF and I still loved her like you are claiming as well as still want the movie.

I would be at the OM's house dragging her out by her hair.

And I am not kidding.

And I would ask my sons for their help.

You have owned up to your issues. Get them straightened out no matter what happens.

I think your wife has given you plenty of chances. But it is still a sad day that she is behaving like this while still married to you.

How do you reconcile with a woman that has no respect for you????

HM64


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

How long have you had your diagnose Bi-polar?
Asking because,initially the med´s are a libido killer.

But however that should gradually where off.

Try this medication

*Lamictal*Name of the medicine
Manufacture *GlaxoSmithKline*

Depending on where you live,Lamicatal might have different
brand name..But this is the name of the active ingredence 

*Lamotrigin* Your doctor should not have much of a problem to find out the brand name.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bobka said:


> He's paying for everything, okay?


No it's not. He can't rent your wife for a sex vacation. She's a married mother, and it's completely and totally unacceptable what she is doing . If she's horny there is also vibrators or your hand/mouth etc. 

Cheating is not ok.

Leaving to get your rocks off is not ok.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bobka said:


> What good will exposing them do? Who will this help?


It will help you and it will help your marriage.

Right now your wife has blown you off so she can be another man's *****. he's basically paying for her to be his hooker for couple of weeks.

dude, this is your wife, the mother of your kids. You should be raising hell for this - hell on her and hell on him for doing it.

He has ZERO respect for you , and she is acting with ZERO respect for you as well. Stop taking this and letting her and him treat you like dirt. Expose this affair - to your kids, to your family and friends.

honestly she should be ashamed and humiliated for what she is going out and doing.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Shoutout to The Guy and Happyman, Don't know how I missed you guys.

Yo Dude, these are expeirenced ppl sharing their WISDOM, you don't have to toe every line, but if I had a cheating spouse, I would pay close attention.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Come on people, this is not a standard situation seen the medical aspect. 

I can understand a woman has sexual needs and tries to find a way to integrate her sexual needs with the feeling of obligation to help him in his problems by not leaving the marriage. This is not 'cheating' imho.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Come on people, this is not a standard situation seen the medical aspect.
> 
> I can understand a woman has sexual needs and tries to find a way to integrate her sexual needs with the feeling of obligation to help him in his problems by not leaving the marriage. This is not 'cheating' imho.


:scratchhead:


*with the feeling of obligation to help him in his problems by not leaving the marriage. *
Wow ..I rearly. See this act of kindness.

You are kidding right?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> That's what my wife did. Still hurt like f***, though.


My Ex had a short EA. I found out about it and then she had the affair. Hurt like ****


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That's what my wife did. Still hurt like f***, though.


How did you react when she told you she'd cheat on you MattMatt?

I mean its one thing to be blindsided but I find your story very puzzling.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bobka said:


> So much to tell in so little space.
> 
> Suffice it to say that I, through my lack of initiative for sex, turned my marriage into a roommate relationship. My wife could not stand this after 16 years (and I, in many ways, cannot blame her), and decided to lose a bunch of weight, do self-improvement and go looking for someone to pay attention to her. He is a long-distance "friend", but now she has gone 2 states away to visit him for a couple of weeks.
> 
> ...


There are many women married to men with ED unresponsive to cialis or Viagra. I know them personally, and they do not cheat. 

They love their husband and realize there is more to a good marriage than sex. 

With that said, she could have asked to to go to a sex therapist or a counselor to discuss the issue.

Instead she chose to cheat. 

Let her go, she is not good long term partner material.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bobka said:


> So much to tell in so little space.
> 
> 
> 
> Just prior to this, she announced that she wanted a separation, I suppose, in her mind, to free her to have this fling from (somewhat) within our marriage. She's now been gone for over a week, and I'm agonizing over the end of our marriage. We are, by the way, conducting our separation from under one roof, as neither can afford to move out and away.


Sorry you are here. 

The above quoted paragraph at least shows that she is conflicted about her behavior. 

You hit the nail on the head when you said it is her way to stay married and be free to cheat. 

In her mind if you two are separated she can justify the affair as not cheating. 

My STBEH did the same, while in his affair. He suddenly started picking fights over nothing and asked for a separation. 

I have since filed after an attempt at reconciliation in which he continued with various deceptive behaviors. 

He now adamantly is fighting the divorce and trying to reconcile. 

So, in your case the same may happen. 

I just decided for my part that his continued misbehaviors after I was attempting to reconcile, was not a good thing and did not bode well for my future with him.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It will help you and it will help your marriage.
> 
> Right now your wife has blown you off so she can be another man's *****. he's basically paying for her to be his hooker for couple of weeks.
> 
> ...


Good points all of them. 

But the posters should Just be cautious about directing too much anger toward the OM. 

It's rare for a man to turn down a woman who is pedaling free, not strings attached sex. 

She's the one who took her marriage vows with you, too. Not him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Good points all of them.
> 
> But the posters should Just be cautious about directing too much anger toward the OM.
> 
> ...


It's all about making the OM leave. Everything that can be done to make the OM want to run and have nothing to do with her, should be done. It's not personal, it's business.

If she realizes that there will be blow back to the OM she will realize there are consequences for her choosing to cheat.

So the OM is completely fair game,and a very reasonable target to go after.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Come on people, this is not a standard situation seen the medical aspect.
> 
> I can understand a woman has sexual needs and tries to find a way to integrate her sexual needs with the feeling of obligation to help him in his problems by not leaving the marriage. This is not 'cheating' imho.


Hey SLL

I am glad I am not married to you.

Until the day the D is final she is cheating.

The OP can be the most depressed ahole in the world and she is still cheating.

So she left her husband for a few weeks to have her emotional and sexual needs met against his wishes, what would you call that???
A vacation???


HM64


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It's all about making the OM leave. Everything that can be done to make the OM want to run and have nothing to do with her, should be done. It's not personal, it's business.
> 
> If she realizes that there will be blow back to the OM she will realize there are consequences for her choosing to cheat.
> 
> So the OM is completely fair game,and a very reasonable target to go after.


I agree, Shaggy. 

It's a good idea to make the cheater's partner as miserable as possible. They deserve it and both need to see consequences for their actions.

I am just saying to remember that the wife is at fault too, she is not a victim of the OM. They were both sleaze bags.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

There are so many single/divorced women out there:wtf:yea I know his problem is with her but what scum!


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Jibril said:


> *You*. Exposing will help _you_.
> 
> Your cheating wife, as of right now, is having a wonderful sexual affair and is suffering absolutely no consequences for it. She's in la-la land, with bunnies and puppies and "I love yous" and lots and lots of sex. Fantasy. And why wouldn't she be? She has no real life issues to deal with when she's with her lover - no responsibilities, no kids, no bills, no sick husband. Just raw passion and excitement.
> 
> She has faced no consequences for breaking her marital vows and betraying you. Forcing her to take some responsibility for her affair by owning up to it to the people she cares about (family, her children) is a sure way to make her absurd fantasy a very ugly reality.


When she returns, she will have to face up to her family, our kids, the church, etc. This will be a rude awakening, for sure. But right now, while she is away, your right, she's suffering nothing other than possible pangs of guilt. I would not be personally edified by exposing her any further - she's already told her family that she's made this trip, and I'm sure they know what it's all about. I just can't see inflicting harm when so much has been done already.

The guy doesn't have a wife; I don't know what network he has, but I can't be concerned with him - he's not the problem. He's just taking advantage of a situation that I'm sure he thinks is great. If I were in his shoes, however, I'd not behave this way. I've had my chances, and walked away from them.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get a var just in case she blows up and calls the cops!


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> The above quoted paragraph at least shows that she is conflicted about her behavior.
> 
> ...


I don't believe this trip will lead to an ongoing visitation. Obviously, if she wants to be with him rather than me, she will have to move to him, as he can't leave where he's at. What's scary is how things are going to be when she gets back. It will be probably our final shot at attempting some sort of reconciliation. That may take time to process, and I'm willing to give it that time. 

It must be evident by now that I am willing to work with her on this. I still believe I brought it on through my inaction, and although she is not obsolved of blame, I feel the circumstances are such that we could make something work. Not something inclding the OM, of course, but something that includes forgiveness and some sort of positive forward motion. 

I'm sure those of you who say to just kick her out don't get this. Relationships are not that simple; once you've invested 16 years, you want to protect that investment, as it has gained value for you and your partner. And even though she is obviously not valuing it like I am, I know that she will feel remorse and guilt, and that will lead to who knows what?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Like I said sat. change the locks show her you are preparing yourself to move on it will play mind games with her


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

bobka said:


> It must be evident by now that I am willing to work with her on this.


Busting an affair is NOT a negotiation. There is no working with her until the affair is over. PERIOD!!!!!! 

Only after the affair is over, and she has done/is doing all the things a cheater must do in order to reconcile, can YOU work WITH HER. 

People in affairs don't think logically. I've been in one, I know. All of your efforts to get her to stop this logically and rationally are wasted effort. You might as well walk to the beach and piss in the ocean to try to raise the tide for all it will accomplish. 

If she knows you are willing to work with her while she's cheating on you here's what you'll get: 1: a wife who has no respect for you because you are putting up with the massive load of crap and disrespect she is serving you 2: a wife appearing to work with you just enough to keep you from leaving her so she can continue to have her cake and eat it to. And that's all you'll get. 

I'm all for doing your part to improve the marriage and be a better husband and I understand wanting your marriage. The dilemma is your marriage is currently on hold while your wife shops around. You've got to reestablish the marriage before you can work on it.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Mate, please have some self respect. 

You have a degree of control. Expose to your children and to OM wife/gf. If you let her expose she'll sugar coat it. Why should a married woman spend a two week vacation with another man?

I think its time to give some tough love and not tolerate any of this WS hog wash. Raise the pressure, set it on every possible point you can, always remain calm and relaxed, let the WS have everything blow up, go on vacation with her to visit OM, block this, do w/e you can, how much is your marriage really worth? You think that is very unmanly? On the contrary, do not be a cuckold, acting that way is very lion like, and a lion does not share his food nor his mate with hyenas!

Start shutting down auxiliary systems and boot emergency defense systems. Shut down financial support, emotional support, communications, physical contact etc. This will help you detach a little giving you the ability to focus on your health, body and most importantly mind because a sound relaxed healthy mind (from a healthy body) thinks better, reacts better, copes better and makes better decisions.

Always think before you speak, act, this chess game has begun and you lost your queen in the first 5 moves!

Start now, you can do this, I believe in you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Mate, please have some self respect.
> 
> You have a degree of control. Expose to your children and to OM wife/gf. If you let her expose she'll sugar coat it. Why should a married woman spend a two week vacation with another man?
> 
> ...


Exactly nothing to lose and everything to gain!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Exactly nothing to lose and everything to gain!


That is why WS are always ahead of BS because the BS always finds out too late and when they do have a chance they "feel" it better to do nothing and let them do what they wish without consequences or any difficulties.

OP for whatever pans out, I hope you stay strong and always improve and become better!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

So you guys are seperated now....even if you did not agree it has been done in her mind. Chances are that she is now sleeping with guy. I would just accept it. Try it on and stew in it. Can you live with the affair? Only time will tell.

But as far a reconciliation goes, it will only work if she participates. If she is not willing then it is a no go. You need to prepare yourself for that. It is great that you have recognized your part in the marriage, but she is the one that made the choice to go outside the marriage.

I am sorry you are here.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

And just so you know there are plenty of us on the board that understand the staying for history and kids. Because we have done it ourselves. I have 3 kids and 13 yrs invested in my marriage. We are only able to stay together because we both want it. I offered him the freedom and chose to stay and work on it. I too owned up to my part in marriage. I will tell you that it is hard work. To me the hardest part is trying not to blow things out of proportion in my mind when he does not answer his phone or texts, when we don't have sex because he falls alseep, or the fact that I am uncomfortable with the weight I have gained (not too much).

I just want you to know that there is hope, but it comes at a price.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> And just so you know there are plenty of us on the board that understand the staying for history and kids. Because we have done it ourselves. I have 3 kids and 13 yrs invested in my marriage. We are only able to stay together because we both want it. I offered him the freedom and chose to stay and work on it. I too owned up to my part in marriage. I will tell you that it is hard work. To me the hardest part is trying not to blow things out of proportion in my mind when he does not answer his phone or texts, when we don't have sex because he falls alseep, or the fact that I am uncomfortable with the weight I have gained (not too much).
> 
> I just want you to know that there is hope, but it comes at a price.


I am sort of losing hope that anything good will happen, and trying to move on to what it might be like without her. I'm a person who needs to be in relationship, and this is a nightmare that I never saw coming. And in many ways, it's my own stupid fault.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This guy paid for you wife to come and have a sex vacation with him.

Sorry, he's not just some innocent third party. He's turned her into his bought and paid for wh0re. 

He's more than a fair target, and is deserving of blowback.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> This guy paid for you wife to come and have a sex vacation with him.
> 
> Sorry, he's not just some innocent third party. He's turned her into his bought and paid for wh0re.
> 
> He's more than a fair target, and is deserving of blowback.


That's helpful.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bobka said:


> That's helpful.


I'm sorry if I come off as nasty. I'm not trying to hurt you. I am trying to get you to see that both he and she are very much both in the wrong here, and that the thing to be doing is to be angry and take the fight to them. This is not a time to wait things out, and is not a time to turn the other cheek, or to see things from others view point.

It is a time of clear right and wrong. It is a time to stand up to those who are very much betraying you and taking advantage of you.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm sorry if I come off as nasty. I'm not trying to hurt you. I am trying to get you to see that both he and she are very much both in the wrong here, and that the thing to be doing is to be angry and take the fight to them. This is not a time to wait things out, and is not a time to turn the other cheek, or to see things from others view point.
> 
> It is a time of clear right and wrong. It is a time to stand up to those who are very much betraying you and taking advantage of you.


There's not really any blowback I can do on him. He's single, distant, and involved with my wife. I could send him an email asking him to think about what he's doing and stop doing it, but that would be a joke. 

There's little I can do right now that wouldn't just cause more people more hurt, and there's enough hurt to go around now for the time being. When she returns, there may be room for talk about change and reconciliation, but while she's there, all I can do is wait and think about what it's going to be like to be alone again. And I don't do alone well.

And, I know you mean well, but please don't tell me to get myself in shape by working out and losing weight, for crying out loud. Just don't need that right now. What's needed now is for some logic and clear thinking to come into play, and while she's off in fantasyland with this guy, cool heads are not gonna prevail. That's why I'm just trying to keep an even keel and take care of myself emotionally.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

bobka said:


> There's little I can do right now that wouldn't just cause more people more hurt, and there's enough hurt to go around now for the time being.


Maybe but at least then you wouldn't be the only one with a stomach ache about it. You need to share the pain, then more people will be interested in making the pain go away.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

bobka said:


> And, I know you mean well, but please don't tell me to get myself in shape by working out and losing weight, for crying out loud. Just don't need that right now. What's needed now is for some logic and clear thinking to come into play, and while she's off in fantasyland with this guy, cool heads are not gonna prevail. That's why I'm just trying to keep an even keel and take care of myself emotionally.


You. Are. Wrong.

You need logic? You have it. Your wife, after years of no sex, told you she would be seeking it elsewhere and has.

Clear thinking? IMPOSSIBLE! Not while you are sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and freaking out about what your wife is up to.

You need to exercise and take care of yourself because your self esteem is in the crapper right now. You need all the good feelings and thoughts you can muster about yourself.

In addition, exercise allows your brain to release chemicals that will actually help you. If you work out heavily, it will also help you sleep at night. It will also help improve your appetite.

You may not like the advice regarding taking care of yourself, but you are wrong if you think it won't help. It will help a hell of a lot more than you sitting in front of a computer arguing with people who have a lot more experience in all of this than you (or even I) do and are really just trying to give things that WILL help.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can very much exposé his name and hisi intentions to your friends and family.


You can post him on cheaterville.com


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Falene said:


> You. Are. Wrong.
> 
> You need logic? You have it. Your wife, after years of no sex, told you she would be seeking it elsewhere and has.
> 
> ...


And if you can get off the meds that are killing your sex drive along with weightlifting.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

tom67 said:


> And if you can get off the meds that are killing your sex drive along with weightlifting.


You think I'm thinking right now about going out and having sex?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Falene said:


> You. Are. Wrong.
> 
> You need logic? You have it. Your wife, after years of no sex, told you she would be seeking it elsewhere and has.
> 
> ...


I appreciate what you are saying. I guess I'm just in bad enough shape that going out and doing for myself is a low priority. I may be wallowing in my sorrow, but don't I get to do that for a while?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

bobka said:


> I appreciate what you are saying. I guess I'm just in bad enough shape that going out and doing for myself is a low priority. I may be wallowing in my sorrow, but don't I get to do that for a while?


Look - saving this is likely a long shot - especially given your state of mind as presented here. BUT if you want to try then you don't get to wallow in your sorrow. Why? Because it's consigning yourself to defeat and it will turn your wife OFF faster than anything else you can do. 

Affairs are like wildfire, sure you can ignore it, or wallow, but every moment you do it's getting bigger, stronger and killing the small chance you have of saving this. If you want to save it you have to man up, put the sorrow behind you and act!!!


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

bobka said:


> I appreciate what you are saying. I guess I'm just in bad enough shape that going out and doing for myself is a low priority. I may be wallowing in my sorrow, but don't I get to do that for a while?


Do you want to earn some self respect? Do you want to earn respect from your wife? Do you want to work on saving your marriage?

Then no. You can't wallow in misery. That's weaksauce, defeatist attitude. I don't want to feed you any optimistic "glass half full" bvllsh!t, but you need to look at your marital dilemma as an opportunity, rather than a problem. Don't curl up into a fetal position and bemoan your crappy life. If you do you'll let the only chance you have to rectify things slip away. 

You absolutely need to work on improving yourself physically and emotionally. You need to restore that self respect you lost. It's the only way you'll ever be able to move on with your marriage in-tact. Restoring your own self respect will allow you to establish and enforce new boundaries within your marriage. You will be in a healthier state of mind, where you can demand and expect only the best from your wife.

And if she doesn't want to give you her best? If she doesn't want to continue her marriage with you? Well, you'll be healthy enough emotionally to move on with your life without her. 

So work out, damn it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bobka said:


> So much to tell in so little space.
> 
> Suffice it to say that I, through my lack of initiative for sex, turned my marriage into a roommate relationship. My wife could not stand this after 16 years (and I, in many ways, cannot blame her), and decided to lose a bunch of weight, do self-improvement and go looking for someone to pay attention to her. He is a long-distance "friend", but now she has gone 2 states away to visit him for a couple of weeks.
> 
> ...


Your wife planend to do this. She is not asking you to forgive her. 

I understand that you hate losing her, but you have. You have waited until she left you to decide to try and keep her. Sigh.

Good luck to you but I think you need to not separate but rather divorce her.

Work on yourself and do a better job in your next realtionship. You old marriage is gone. Staying under these circumsyances is not going to make you any more attractive to her. Quite the opposite. 

Wish you had posted some time ago.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bobka said:


> He's paying for everything, okay?


Then let her move in with him. Not back with you. 
Take this time to have all her hoarded stuff removed.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bobka said:


> This is all so easy to say. So I am supposed to put her on the street, a woman I have loved for 16 years, with no resources? Then who's being cruel?


Yes you should. What is more cruel than telling your mate I am goung to go bang someone else for a couple of weeks. Let her move in with that guy.
This was her choice.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes you should. What is more cruel than telling your mate I am goung to go bang someone else for a couple of weeks. Let her move in with that guy.
> This was her choice.


:iagree:tell her just stay there see what she says.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bobka said:


> I appreciate what you are saying. I guess I'm just in bad enough shape that going out and doing for myself is a low priority. I may be wallowing in my sorrow, *but don't I get to do that for a while?*


No. That is death. You do not have time to wallow in self pity. Get up.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*Bobka*


This is the secont time amostiong this

For bipoar trearment
How long have you had your diagnose Bi-polar?
Asking because,initially the med´s are a libido killer.

But however that should gradually where off.

Try this medication

*Lamictal*Name of the medicine
Manufacture *GlaxoSmithKline*

Depending on where you live,Lamicatal might have different
brand name..But this is the name of the active ingredence 

*Lamotrigin* Your doctor should not have much of a problem to find out the brand name.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Seems you have been wallowing off an on your whole marriage, so is any more going to do any good ??

RE: I'm the kind of person that need to be in a relationship ", I don't do well alone ".

Maybe its time YOU started taking care of yourself in a healthy way.

PPl have told you some things to do, and why you do them. They comes from experience.
So, if you won't consider doing whats needed, how in the heck can we help ??


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

I hesitated to write this because Bobka, you haven’t been very welcoming to some of the action oriented advice, but I truly believe you NEED this advice, so please take heart that I am not trying to offend you or hurt you: I am just genuinely trying to give you what I ASSUME you have come here for.

Bobka, you mentioned earlier that you are hesitant to take action towards your wife, particularly the threat of divorce, because you have invested 16 years into the relationship. Bobka, you made a lousy investment, and as a man who proclaims to appreciate logic, I’ll give you a logical example of what I mean:
Your wife is a share of facebook. When you first met and married, it was awesome…she may have even risen in value a few bucks or two; what a great investment! 16 years later, she has dropped to almost NOTHING in value (just like REAL facebook stocks)….yet you continue to hold out that somehow, some way, that stock will rise to its previous value: hell, you may even be thinking of investing even more money (re: energy, time, emotion) on more facebook stock as you are certain will rise in value: IT WON’T. YOU ARE KIDDING YOURSELF. The value has sunk sooooooo far below what it was originally listed as, there’s no way, barring Facebook discovering the cure for cancer, AIDS, and the common cold overnight, that it will EVER reach its original listing value. 

You seem to become really offended when people suggest you take action, and the actions suggested have been fantastic so far, so please excuse me if the following suggestions offend you (and might I suggest being more specific in the kind of help you want if all of these suggestions rub you the wrong way):

1.	Stop being walked all over like a rug people wipe their shoes on before entering a house. When I was in the service, just starting out as an E3 (PFC), my superiors often joked that I was “lower than whale sh!t” in their eyes. Guess what Bobka….you are lower than whale **** in your wife’s eyes. WAIT!!! STOP IT! I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE ABOUT TO DO! YOU WERE AVBOUT TO POST HOW OFFENSIVE AND UNHELPFUL THAT IS!! JUST STOP! Stop, and read. Try to actually DIGEST some of this rather than reacting emotionally; you continue to ask for advice yet react quickly and negatively whenever anyone (particularly those with experience who have been where you are, more or less) post a strategy that even remotely suggests you stand up to your wife. You may not be able to see it now, but your wife is disrespecting you and sh!tting all over you in a way that most of us find shockingly abhorrent and cruel. Your inability to see this or to feel any resentment or anger towards your wife (and I don’t sense either of those emotions in your posts) indicates that you have a high level of “walked upon-ness”, a new word I just made up that describes people who don’t mind and in fact, may have grown comfortable an accustomed to being walked ALLLLLLL over. Speaking of which……

2.	Replace the spaghetti strand you have had installed in your back with some rebar and stand up to your wife! You never mentioned the gender of your children, but I’m taking a shot and guessing you have a daughter. Tell me Bobka, as a parent, what would you advise your DAUGHTER to do if her husband announced he was going away for two weeks to fu.ck his girlfriend? Would you tell her “Don’t do anything honey, there’s already too much pain caused by this as it is”? Would you say to her “Well, you have so much invested and his GF is far away, I doubt this will become a regular thing so just hang in there”. I don’t know what you would say Bobka, but what you SHOULD be saying is “Kick that mother father to the curb; no one deserves to be treated like that, especially someone you claim to love”. Think on that Bobka, reallllly think on that.

3.	EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE! Your wishy washy language about exposure has only indicate that she MAIGHT have told HER family, although you don’t know for certain and you don’t know that they know that she is a cheater. If you aren’t willing to do even the bare minimum to defend your marriage and fight for your wife—telling the entire family and ASKING FOR THEIR HELP in bringing your wife out of the fog--- then why would your wife give a crap about you or the marriage? IT’S NOT EVEN WORTH FIGHTING FOR, as you are aptly demonstrating. It’s one thing when a spineless husband whines that what you are doing is WRONG; quite another when your children look you in the eye with shame and disgust because you are fu.c.king around on their dad. It’s one thing to dismiss a spineless husband when he “confronts’ you, quite another to have to explain yourself and your terrible actions to the children you raised. You see now why exposure is a must, particularly in your situation?

4.	DO SOMETHING! Scolding your wife over the phone and threatening a sever finger wagging when she gets home…which is essentially what I get out of your posts….does nothing. She knows you won’t do anything, she knows there will be no consequences to her behavior, so why not continue doing what she is doing? Let me ask you this Bobka: what do you think is more effective at sending a message of ‘I have had enough: I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking this anymore”: 1) yelling and screaming at her when she gets home 2) reporting her to the church (oOoOoOoO!) or 3) renting a large trash bin and tossing ALLLLL of her hoarded sh!t into a trash bin while talking loudly about finally selling the house (EVEN IF YOU DON’T REALLY PLAN ON DOING THAT). Out of the three options, what do you think is most likely to ROCK YOUR WIFE TO HER CORE? I’ll give you a hint…NUMBER 3. I’ve never cheated in my life (although I have been cheated on during a 5 year relationship: not my current wife of course, because I don't stand for cheating, period), but I can tell you I’d be gutted if I came home and all my stuff was thrown out or placed in storage; I get yelled at by my wife all the time and it rarely phases me (hehehehe), so if my wife already knew I was doing something terrible and all I got was lip service, it wouldn't phase me in the least. Physically removing my stuff from the house though? WOW, that would shake ME to my core. It shows initiative for action, not the usual boring WORDS that usually amount to nothing, particularly when I know words are preferable to action (which is you, and don't think your wife doesn't realize this about you!).

Now Bobka, I could be completely off base here: Maybe you aren’t interested in confronting your adulterous wife, and maybe you aren’t interested in exposing your wife’s adultery to your family, and maybe you aren’t interested in standing up to your wife who is walking all over you, nor do you care that you are the second option, the rent-a-storage manager for your wife's crap, or the person who has invested 16 years into a relationship that is now being abandoned. If that is indeed the case, and I have it ALLLLL wrong, I MUST ASK: WHAT DO YOU WANT AND WHY ARE YOU HERE, IF NOT TO HEAR ADVICE ON HOW TO STOP YOUR WIFE FROM CHEATING? IF YOU ARE INDEED HERE FOR THAT REASON, WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO STOP IT BESIDES TALKING?

Good luck bobka, I REALLY MEAN THAT!


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

I appreciate all you are saying, and much of what you say is right. I am a soft person, I suppose you would call that spineless, but I would call it loving and gentle. I know, this is not what a lot of people here expect to see and hear from a man. 

It is difficult to change my nature, even in the face of something this radical. I cannot all of a sudden become a he-man who's hefting boxes of sh!t out the door onto the street and then tell my wife that I've done that. It's not who I am. I've spent a long time becoming who I am and that doesn't just change overnight. It's a process.

I have to find the part of who I am that can try to reason, even if that reasoning includes telling her that this has to be over and there can be no compromise. I am moving in that direction; it has taken me a while to go from hurt to angry, but I am now angry. But I am not in control of her behavior, only mine. And I have to protect myself. At this point, that sounds like preparing to divorce and move on once she returns.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" stat...

Just google it, you can download it for free if memory serves.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" stat...
> 
> Just google it, you can download it for free if memory serves.


Looked for that, couldn't find it. Lots of Alice Cooper lyrics...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career

My bad, looks like you have to buy it, I'd still highly recommend it.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

> it has taken me a while to go from hurt to angry, but I am now angry


Bobka, that's GREAT  Not that I WANT you to be an angry person, but hell, you SHOULD be angry at how you are being treated, and that type of anger, I HOPE, will lead to action.

Also, I sympathize with your "soft" nature: even with my military experience and what not, I am a softie at heart as well...but....NOT when I am being walked all over. Remember, being a nice, kind, soft hearted man is NOT about allowing anyone and everyone to abuse you. When that happens, dig deep and become assertive: be kind and loving and soft to those that deserve it and WONT take advantage of your kind, easy going nature.

Hang in there Bobka!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career
> 
> My bad, looks like you have to buy it, I'd still highly recommend it.


The ebook here --> No More Mr Nice Guy


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Got it. Thanks!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't just read NMMNG....apply it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bobka said:


> I appreciate all you are saying, and much of what you say is right. I am a soft person, I suppose you would call that spineless, but I would call it loving and gentle. I know, this is not what a lot of people here expect to see and hear from a man.


How is that working for you? To do the same thing over and over while expecting a different result makes no sense.



> It is difficult to change my nature, even in the face of something this radical. I cannot all of a sudden become a he-man who's hefting boxes of sh!t out the door onto the street and then tell my wife that I've done that. It's not who I am. I've spent a long time becoming who I am and that doesn't just change overnight. It's a process.


Why not? None of this is he-man stuff. Rather, it is giving your wife what she has clearly told you she wants - not to be with you any more.



> I have to find the part of who I am that can try to reason, even if that reasoning includes telling her that this has to be over and there can be no compromise. I am moving in that direction; it has taken me a while to go from hurt to angry, but I am now angry. But I am not in control of her behavior, only mine. And I have to protect myself. At this point, that sounds like preparing to divorce and move on once she returns.


You have tried reason and it has not worked. She is not listening to or hearing you. Do you know why? Because your actions are saying that exact opposite. You tell her that something is a problem, but act in the same way, thus telling her it is actually not a problem. She is listening to the message that she wants to hear. 

This is why actions are important. They align your words *and* your actions. You send a consistent message and increase the chances that she actually hears what you are saying. It also increases your chances of protecting yourself.


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