# Sleep



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I am recently separated. My lifestyle has improved dramatically, stress has decreased from dangerous to not dangerous, I am not losing weight, I am exercising regularly (intense to yoga) and generally feeling good.

However, I have started regularly sleeping ten hours a night. A trivial thing to raise on here, but I wonder if anyone else has experienced something similar?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Limited replies might be because most folks experience the opposite, not enough sleep.

That was my experience, difficulty getting to sleep and getting up early to execise to burn stress.

I think you are more lucky than anything,
Stretch


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Had something similar.
I lost the weight but was able to sleep quite soundly once she left.
You will drfit back into your comfort zone with time.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

A little over a year ago, my brain stopped working well - extreme absent mindedness and forgetfullness. However, I kept going. Now, it seems to be slightly worse, which is I think the relief and not trying so hard to keep everything together.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I personally found that I lost quite a bit of my thinking capacity and attention span while going through the storms at the end of my marriage (separation, betrayal, false reconciliation, fights, false reconciliations over and over again, pregnancy of ex, abortion, separation again, asset division, divorce). I'm not sure if I have regained all of my sanity back at this point (1 year post final divorce) or if I'm just used to the new me with limited brain capacity!

Sleeping more than you used to is not necessarily all about your separation. It's could just be an age thing.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Just back from the shrink. Very interesting. Her opinion was broadly; "Yes, you are having a mental collapse as the time seems right. You are a smart guy, make the most of it, handle it as you think best and rebuild the pieces as you choose knowing who you are and with responsibility for yourself". No further appointment as a statement of faith in me knowing what I am doing. 

I have a headache and a glow in my legs that come from dramatic relaxation.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Yep, extreme absentmindedness and loss of ability to focus here too. It is diminishing though, thank goodness! Almost back on track.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I am in a second week off work, with the intent of falling apart a bit. It has been a limited success, I have not fallen apart, but the time has been useful and I am sleeping eight hours per night.

I do not know if the mind is functioning yet, but it was holding everything together that caused the trouble. Now that is no longer the case, things can improve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> Just back from the shrink. Very interesting. Her opinion was broadly; "Yes, you are having a mental collapse as the time seems right. You are a smart guy, make the most of it, handle it as you think best and rebuild the pieces as you choose knowing who you are and with responsibility for yourself". No further appointment as a statement of faith in me knowing what I am doing.


Extreme absentmindedness, forgetfulness, lack of ability to concentrate, excessive sleepiness or insomnia are all signs of depression. Like the doc said you are having a mental collapse.

If you can work through this on your own, good for you. If it persists too long (weeks more) then you might need to get some help for it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Extreme absentmindedness, forgetfulness, lack of ability to concentrate, excessive sleepiness or insomnia are all signs of depression. Like the doc said you are having a mental collapse.
> 
> If you can work through this on your own, good for you. If it persists too long (weeks more) then you might need to get some help for it.


I has been months already.

People often think that it is due to the marriage break-up, but it is more that I no longer have to live with the insanity and having to keep things together.

I am in a second week of vacation from work and it is improving, but not quickly.


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## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

I had major issues sleeping when she abducted our children to a different state, once I got my kids back I slept real well.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I have gone through something very similar. I have had insomnia and anxiety for YEARS. I am married to a cheater, in the process of separating and divorce. This time around, I had made up my mind within a week or two that I was not going to be destroyed by this, and then wonder of all wonders, I started sleeping! I no longer spend hours in the middle of the night awake. I might not go to bed too early, but once I do go to sleep, I stay asleep. And I also no longer have terrible dreams. 

The long and short of it is that I never really trusted again after the first (and likely others) infidelity. Once is happened again, I decided I was done no matter what, and it was a like a peace of mind came over me. Yes, there is an element of depression that can be part of all this, but I also attribute mine to just exhaustion from years of trying to hold it together, and now I don't have to anymore. It's done. I have new things to worry about now, but they seem so much less daunting than the waiting for the pain again. 

I hope you can are experiencing the same thing. The relief, rather than as a symptom of depression. I have been calling it relief for a year now.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Thanks, very good of you to write. Things are going nicely actually.

I am very fortunate in that I told my workplace that my brain was not working and would not be working properly for a few months. Their response is to give me less work, tell me to take sick leave whenever I need it and they are happy to pay for the shrink. Clearly, this is not a typical employer.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I have had a friend drag me out on town and get me chatting to women again. I find I have an aversion to them, I could be getting closer but I am not letting myself. Probably not unusual.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You must be surprized that your wife deserted your marriage so lightly. Understandably, you feel cut adrift. If you aren't suffering from illness, then you will emerge and find yourself again.

Does your WAW stay in communication?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You must be surprized that your wife deserted your marriage so lightly. Understandably, you feel cut adrift. If you aren't suffering from illness, then you will emerge and find yourself again.
> 
> Does your WAW stay in communication?


I do not think she really left the marriage. She was very clear that she really hoped I would come, and while I made it clear we would legally separate if she left, I did not make it clear I would definitely not follow. I was honest with her, in that I genuinely did not know how I felt. She was clear in feeling the problem was being abroad and that if I followed her to the USA, I made it clear that I felt the problem was making effort. 

We spoke a couple of times on the phone (not good), then email. The email communication was far more useful, as it was very open, honest and expressive. Then she called and was angry that I had legally separated without telling her, I had told her and this sort of thing happened a few times in our relationship, so I had started to keep a record of what I said (to check my own sanity). 

After that phone call, it has reduced to polite, but business like emails every few weeks. It is tough.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

How is the sleeping going? right around the start of my separation I went under the knife for my sinuses/polyps. I lost a ton of weight, not eating from the anxiety of separation as well as the pain in my face. For the couple years before surgery I was getting about three hours of broken sleep a night. Breathing again made for full night, ten hour sleeps which went a very long way towards getting vitality back.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Lon said:


> How is the sleeping going? right around the start of my separation I went under the knife for my sinuses/polyps. I lost a ton of weight, not eating from the anxiety of separation as well as the pain in my face. For the couple years before surgery I was getting about three hours of broken sleep a night. Breathing again made for full night, ten hour sleeps which went a very long way towards getting vitality back.


I am having a couple of broken night's sleep now. Probably, I have had the benefit from sleeping ten hours a night for a long time. I also have an unrelated (but serious in its own way) health issue. That and work may be moving me to a new continent soon. My attempt at getting married and settling down has ended laughably badly.

My weight stabilised after the first year of marriage, in which I lost a lot. With the stabilisation, I have also dramatically lowered my heart rate and no longer have the muscle spasms. This was after I decided to concentrate on health and chilling out rather than entirely the marriage - it was a bit of a 180o before I knew what that was. Now my mental health is having the attention.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

The last few nights, I have had difficulty sleeping. This seems far more normal. 

I also have just had an email from my lawyer, who has heard from her lawyer. He would like to speak with me tomorrow. Oddly, I had falled into a rut of being content with the status-quo whereas it is now becoming real. I would much prefer the marraige to work, but this does seem impossible.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hard to understand why you see the choice between work and marriage. Your wife chose not to be married. You could do little about that.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I had a concerned phone call from my lawyer/solicitor/advokat last week. She has got a very good L/S/A.

Mine had been confident I coudl call all the shots, but this changes everything. However, if it is just pay $12.5K and be done, then I am very happy with that. She needs the money, so it does not strike me as greed. And I am relieved oddly that she is not being trampled on.

Her L/S/A apparently did an unusual informal, approach. Mine knows hers and is encouraged that he has been asked to get it sorted out asap.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have no children. Why do you have to support her? She lived off you for a long period of time.

File for divorce in Denmark and force her to hire Danish counsel.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

My sleeping patterns during the divorce process and now after the divorce have been all over the place: too much sleep, too little sleep, constant waking during sleep, and nightmares. My regular physician and psychiatrist say that these unfortunately can be normal for people dealing with anxiety and depression as long as each episode doesnt last for an extended period of time. Hopefully being off work when necessary helps.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You have no children. Why do you have to support her? She live off you for a long period of time.
> 
> File for divorce in Denmark and force her to hire Danish counsel.


Our lawyers, both Danish, are in negotiation. There is no real bitterness here, I think she just expected to have a gay best friend. 

I just had a house guest, I looked after her well, we laughed joked and hugged. She was just visiting and did not really do much housework and was not working. XW might have wondered why it was OK for this house guest. The difference was the guest was merely a guest and was grateful (and also a young underwear model, which helped).

When married you are expecting someone to take a selfless regard for your well being above that of pretty much anyone apart from kids. Really, it is completely realistic and while I am hurt by the experience, being bitter will not help. 

miche4, I perhaps went through the most stressful patch whilst married. I am a scientist and went straight to the literature. The best things are yoga and meditation. I am a rugby playing scientist, I take that attitude to getting things sorted out and in the spirit of that I recommend both yoga and meditation. 

This book:
http://www.amazon.com/59-Seconds-Ch...31&sr=8-1&keywords=60+seconds+richard+wiseman
Based on science and evidence, not nonsense charlatanism (including debunking active listening).

This is also a good resource:
http://medweb.mit.edu/wellness/resources/downloads.html


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

This is now becoming a "me, me, me" thread, but forgive it becoming a journal.

Two things have happened that have cheered me up. First, a chap I know through sport asked if anyone could put up a mate of theirs for a few nights. Most were slightly reluctant to put up with a large, smelly, hard drinking Aussie. However, he turned out to be a she, who was a model and half my age. Coming home to a big hug from a stunningly beautiful lady for a few days lifted me and had me feeling some missed emotions. 

That said, I kept a certain distance as I could see how she saw me and reasonably enough liked boys her own age. I have had a few other dalliances to the extent that a colleague has asked for me to help him out with romance. I have no idea how, but I was very flattered.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good for you.

Do you like Denmark?

I'll visit Copenhagen next year.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I like Denmark very much indeed. It can be a very big cultural leap for many Americans and it is not the paradise many on the American left portray, but it is closer to that paradise than it is to the hell hole that many on the right portray.

I live in the centre of Copenhagen, so please send me a PM and I can recommend a few places.

PS: I notice you are in Europe, so probably the UK. It is not like The Guardian version and it is very racist. Also, it is not a foodie culture. However, it is otherwise as you would imagine.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I am in Sweden. Have been to the UK many times.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I was packing some of my wife's things up last night and packing them up to be sent to the USA. It still stirs up emotion and left me rather sad this morning. However, understanding it is bound to happen and will pass, encourages it to pass.

Longwalk, Copenhagen is great for a visit. I would be very happy to but you a pint.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I'll let you know when I come. It will be for work but we could meet up.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It is a bit of a shock to realize how much time has passed since August and this still feels fairly fresh. I do not know why I should be surprised that it takes time.

It has been a very useful few years though. I can look at the neuroses I had to shed that I did not know I had. Meditation and yoga were real saviours for me, and yoga was something I had no background in previously. I feel much better off for the time.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Thanks to someone on this forum who mentions Awareness by Anthony de Mello. It is a fantastic read and has explained why I should stop being so stupid.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I had an enjoyable time with a Swedish girl. Despite being a very determined feminist, she seemed to enjoy me being very assertive. 
"Has it been a long time?" she asked as I was romantically groping her.
"Two days." I confirmed, with my best puppy dog eyes.

It really hit home a few things. I suddenly feel far better from being sexually active again after being married for years. It was shocking how little I required to feel good, yet it was too much effort. I have the occasional regret, then I look at how the house is cleaner, being done up, I have more money, more time and an active sex life. It does ram home how incredibly lazy she was and how much better off I am now.

The slightly more depressing thing is how the women I have not had full sex with probably do not regard themselves as having cheated. One girl in particular, whom I was trying to have my way with said, "I have a boyfriend I'm commited too. Really, I shouldn't even have given you the blow job". It is almost comedic.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I will speak bluntly. I read through your thread. At first, you seemed like an intelligent man going through a separation and having normal feelings associated with a separation/divorce. As I read on, it seems like you are the root of your own problems. You see women as objects. You are attracted to younger beautiful women that use you for your money and power. But instead of acknowledging your pattern and changing your shallow ways, you are acknowledging your pattern and laughing at the women. The odds of finding a younger underwear model to live happily ever after with is slim to none. Those younger women will use you just as much as you are using them. Women are not ornaments! 

My advice to you would be; try dating women closer to your own age. Women with self-respect. Women that are intelligent and established and don’t NEED a man but want a man for his company and companionship! But in order to have a marriage, you, yourself must put aside your childlike competitive nature and be willing to accept love without envy and artificial means!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I will speak bluntly. I read through your thread. At first, you seemed like an intelligent man going through a separation and having normal feelings associated with a separation/divorce. As I read on, it seems like you are the root of your own problems. You see women as objects. You are attracted to younger beautiful women that use you for your money and power. But instead of acknowledging your pattern and changing your shallow ways, you are acknowledging your pattern and laughing at the women. The odds of finding a younger underwear model to live happily ever after with is slim to none. Those younger women will use you just as much as you are using them. Women are not ornaments!
> 
> My advice to you would be; try dating women closer to your own age. Women with self-respect. Women that are intelligent and established and don’t NEED a man but want a man for his company and companionship! But in order to have a marriage, you, yourself must put aside your childlike competitive nature and be willing to accept love without envy and artificial means!


I accept a great deal of what you say. From how you write it seems to be coming from a very genuine place.

When I am at my lowest, I tend to write on here and so you see the worst. At the moment, I am not over the break-up and would be a terrible match for any woman. Part of the anger (I say that with embarrassment), is that when I fell in love and decided to marry, it was a very down-to-Earth woman of a sensible age. Things changes, I think being in her thirties, getting married and moving, combined with some dishonesty put me in a position of being married to a woman who seemed to think of herself as a trophy wife. Part of me rationalised, and gave up on women. That is something I have to get over, not 

At the moment, I am probably going to stay single and leave it. The blow to the self-esteem is huge and something I am still getting over. I am far too untrusting, which is daft. If I am not in a rush to solve that, it is that I am trying not to rush anything at all.

I might well be travelling to a new area soon, which makes dating at all a bit pointless. That may be no bad thing.


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