# Update... friends involved



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is something that happened today that put me in a rather difficult position. It seems that my wife is having an interesting falling out with our friends... and a part of me wonders if I'm partly responsible too.

Just as our mates reckon my wife is living it up, I'm also guilty of badmouthing my wife amongst them, so they know that I'm also sick of it. I've decided to drop it recently but it seems like it's too late...

A friend of ours was rather bold enough to accuse my wife. My wife and I are always SMSing random crap so I found out about it, and she just HAD to ask me if I have been talking with her. I told her the truth, didn't have to get into the gritty details lol but I still got a bit of a finger wagging when I got home.

She was disappointed yes, and thought that I'm "betraying" her and that I'm not "supporting" her and that she thought we're meant to be working together from now on. I didn't apologise for my own opinions but I did for badmouthing her.

Do I seriously have to agree with everything she says or does just to help her feel better? I shouldn't have run my mouth sure, it was stupid of me to embarrass my wife like that even though our mates already think that way about her... but if I am to support my wife in this, how? Especially when I don't agree with her current lifestyle myself?

I DO want my wife and I to be a team again just like old times. I told her that, but stuff like this makes it difficult. Also... let's say if I DIDN'T run my mouth off... The same thing would STILL happen, and she knows it - which she's really not happy about. Despite our progress we're still a... well, "work in progress"

What can we do to sort this out?
I've already stopped nagging her, but now she's asking for support I simply can't give her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I guess the best and only thing you can do at this point is apologize for "sharing too much" with your friends and promise no to do it again


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not up on your history, but based SOLELY on your post


> a part of me wonders if I'm partly responsible too


More than partly. 


> I'm also guilty of badmouthing my wife amongst them, so they know that I'm also sick of it......even though our mates already think that way about her.


If you're truly trying to fix things/make them better, why on earth would you add fuel to the fire? You can't "sort things out" if you're talking behind her back. You don't necessarily have to defend HER to your friends, but you should be defending "US" (meaning your relationship with her).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Boundaries.

Can't let your friends bad mouth your wife. And you can't let them think it's ok to do because you are doing it. You need to knock that off.

Knowing they don't approve is fine. Them saying "I don't approve ..." is fine, but if they start teeing up on your spouse, you NEED to shut that down. And you certainly need to not be contributing to it. If you don't, they presume you don't respect her either, and it's open season.

And if you actually don't respect her, you have bigger problems.

No, you don't need to agree with everything she says. But if you insist on maintaining a push/pull relationship, you will never be a team either.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, sometimes you sound so much like my husband it's frightening. 

He, too, has a nasty habit of both over-sharing about our relationship (particulalry the minute details of our sex life) and bad-mouthing me to his friends/co-workers/parents/people on the street. To be frank, there is very little he could do that is more hurtful. 

If you want to stay married - to your current wife or to any other woman in the future - may I suggest that you stop seeing her as the enemy, stop showing open disrespect for her to others, and learn to disagree with her opinions without holding her in contempt for having those opinions.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Here's my rule in my marriage.

What is wrong in our marriage is between those in the marriage or if you have a psychology degree etc (and we're paying you to help us through issues in our marriage). ONLY!!

My wife will go as far as saying "Yeah Hubby and I are going through a rough patch," but won't get into any specifics and she NEVER assigns blame. She has a couple close friends (yes female AND married only LOL) that she talks with and I'm glad, she needs that. But she doesn't "bi+ch" about me. Ever nor I about her. I don't even go as far as the "rough patch" comment. To anyone else, we're a picture of a perfect marriage.

You are 100% allowed to have your complaints and you also need to address them, BUT WITH YOUR WIFE ONLY and in a way that it can be constructive. Complaining just to complain is a waste and damaging. Complaining to improve is good for both parties. But keep them between you your wife and your counselor (if you have one).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Agreed, I've made my decision to stop badmouthing her and if I get pulled into a discussion involving my wife in the future I'll just let them know its none of their business anyway. (Unless it's TAM hehe)

I managed to make our friend apologise in front of my wife so it's all sorted now. My wife is glad at least that I'm making progress, she told me she didn't think I would stick up for her. She's starting to appreciate the new sober me actually.


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