# WTF what does bring to the table mean?



## Davidmidwest

What is it or WTF are women over 45 stating what does a man bring to the table. 

Ladies, what does that mean, what do you want in a man to bring to the table to date and be a friend and life partner? .

Men, what is it that women should bring to the table to date them, for them to be a friend and life partner.

In your answer describe all three.


I am so confused. Does this make dating and going into a loving relationship more difficult?

I got my but torn up in the ladies lounge about regrets about not having kids when I was younger and getting advice about late family. I know at 54 i want no new family from scratch. Another thing I have no living relatives and mention making friends takes work.


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## john117

Assets and liabilities:

- Practical skills
- Financial situation
- employment
- assets
- attitude
- character
- morals 
- looks
- empathy
- not too emotionality messed up
- maturity
- age appropriate behavior
- activities
- clean lifestyle
- no skeletons
: : :


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## *Deidre*

Everyone's table is different. I think of ''bringing to the table''...a basic set of standards that someone wants before thinking about taking things to the next level in a relationship.


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## Davidmidwest

john117 said:


> Assets and liabilities:
> 
> - Practical skills
> - Financial situation
> - employment
> - assets
> - attitude
> - character
> - morals
> - looks
> - empathy
> - not too emotionality messed up
> - maturity
> - age appropriate behavior
> - activities
> - clean lifestyle
> - no skeletons
> : : :


Thanks john, Do you have to have all of them. Of course I got all the character plus signs in the world., you describe perfection. What would be the 2/3 minimum?


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## Davidmidwest

*Deidre* said:


> Everyone's table is different. I think of ''bringing to the table''...a basic set of standards that someone wants before thinking about taking things to the next level in a relationship.


Deidre,

Thank you for the good take. I like your quote too...by unknown. It shows me hope and faith


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## Elizabeth001

Davidmidwest said:


> I got my but torn up in the ladies lounge about regrets about not having kids when I was younger and getting advice about late family.




What about the son you called a “dud” at 7 years old and then threw away for a new wife and her children?

You’re going to get your butt torn up here too I’m afraid. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RoseAglow

When dating, I used to ask myself: is this person going to be an asset or a detriment? A partner to contribute and help, or a drag? Going to make my life better, or worse? 

If you are making someone else's life better, then you are bringing something to the table.


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## Davidmidwest

Elizabeth001 said:


> What about the son you called a “dud” at 7 years old and then threw away for a new wife and her children?
> 
> You’re going to get your butt torn up here too I’m afraid.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes I know... I am working on the prodigal son thing. My son's mother screwed him up too. long story. I call monthly and say I love you to him.


Elisabeth. I like you... You are a fiesty one Tell me truthfull the basic of what brings to the table.. I think it's different or everybody. I have standards and character. There are people who like me and those who don't and vis/versa...I just need to find friends at this stage. 

LOL you are one of the few who took her shark bite... What are things you have that men dislike. It's only fair to share...


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## Davidmidwest

RoseAglow said:


> When dating, I used to ask myself: is this person going to be an asset or a detriment? A partner to contribute and help, or a drag? Going to make my life better, or worse?
> 
> If you are making someone else's life better, then you are bringing something to the table.


Good point. you make it so easy thanks


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

john117 said:


> Assets and liabilities:
> 
> - Practical skills
> - Financial situation
> - employment
> - assets
> - attitude
> - character
> - morals
> - looks
> - empathy
> - not too emotionality messed up
> - maturity
> - age appropriate behavior
> - activities
> - clean lifestyle
> - no skeletons
> : : :


Hopefully by middle age, most people have developed most of those. 

But by then most have skeletons:surprise:
The longer we wait, the more likely something's gonna' happen.

For a realistic chance, might want to amend that last one to say "no skeletons that are likely to eff things up for us."


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## john117

Davidmidwest said:


> Thanks john, Do you have to have all of them. Of course I got all the character plus signs in the world., you describe perfection. What would be the 2/3 minimum?


I'm far from perfection (how do you grill a steak anyhow) and tend to use my rather good psychology skills in ways never intended... I hate work, I'm immature, I make fun of people, I have ADHD, waste lots of time on computer games, still dress like an academic, and so on.

I do offer my exceptional education, people insights, stable job with a lot of glory, I'm well traveled, model parent, etc. 

Problem is, my offerings aren't palatable to many women. After 3+ decades of marriage, some good and some not, we decided to go our separate ways. Now in our 6th month of separation, I'm really wondering why it doesn't bother me. 

Bottom line. Everyone has things to offer. There's good in everyone. Even the mother of my girls. Even me if you like driving a Mini Cooper or want to argue product design. The selection process is gestalt, more than the sum of its parts. I don't think there's a minimum of core competencies that are involved. We are who we are, and hopefully we get better at what we do. And what we do clicks with someone else.


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## Davidmidwest

john117 said:


> I'm far from perfection (how do you grill a steak anyhow) and tend to use my rather good psychology skills in ways never intended... I hate work, I'm immature, I make fun of people, I have ADHD, waste lots of time on computer games, still dress like an academic, and so on.
> 
> I do offer my exceptional education, people insights, stable job with a lot of glory, I'm well traveled, model parent, etc.
> 
> Problem is, my offerings aren't palatable to many women. After 3+ decades of marriage, some good and some not, we decided to go our separate ways. Now in our 6th month of separation, I'm really wondering why it doesn't bother me.
> 
> Bottom line. Everyone has things to offer. There's good in everyone. Even the mother of my girls. Even me if you like driving a Mini Cooper or want to argue product design. The selection process is gestalt, more than the sum of its parts. I don't think there's a minimum of core competencies that are involved. We are who we are, and hopefully we get better at what we do. And what we do clicks with someone else.


Hi John,

I hate Gestault... when therapits spin and try this on me to challenge, I get peeved. I am getting to think Grey! Black and white thinking and changing I have set my own challenges. I don't need a therapist to add more. My therapist throws, no sneeks some Gestault in there, and succeeds. I like the psychdynammic ways of therapy. Works best for me. You are giving me ideas. Good ones...


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## Elizabeth001

My spidey senses are tingling. I’m out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Davidmidwest

Elizabeth001 said:


> My spidey senses are tingling. I’m out.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Don't go Elizabeth. Give advice but can't take it or share? It's only banter... 
Come back...


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## john117

Look. I have a PhD in Gestalt (*) There's a lot of integration done by the mind. It's NOT all black and white. Far from it. The mind is not a Turing machine that simply plays back rules. 

But remember that true Gestalt in the Kaffka sense is not "something MORE than the sum of it's parts". It's "something OTHER than the sum of its parts". If you go thru your list or my list I'm crap. Yet I manage to integrate a wide variety of contradictory properties and attributes into a very decent and different package. You could be like that too. That's how it works. 

When you meet someone conventional wisdom says you decide quickly whether it's an interesting person to think about. Maybe, but it takes time to understand the multiple facets and layers of complex personalities. I have dimensions that surprise even myself. We all do.

But we have to discover them. So, introspection is key, and you will find the OTHER, hopefully integrated you. 

(*) I actually do.


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## Vinnydee

I have posted many times that I am very confident and never got jealous because I know what I bring to the table. It means what you can offer someone. Getting married simply because of love is a major reason for our high divorce rate. Love changes and/or fades. Worrying about paying bills or supporting your kids can cause a lot of stress. Needing your wife to work and also take care of the house, is not every woman's dream. A smart woman will consider love but not as the only measure of a man. What I brought to the table and was well received by many women is:

- Income in the top 5% of the country and every thing that it brings with it.
- IQ in the top 99.7% of the world which enabled me to succeed in all that I did.
- Good looks according to the many girls who shared my bed. 
- Good Personality. Easy going. Good sense of humor
- Well dressed, educated, spoken.
- Financial security for her and any future children
- Very alpha. Jock in school and combat vet. Many girls want alpha men, even these days.
- Good in bed from what I have been told. Lots of repeat business. 
- Sexually liberal. Anything goes. You name the kink and odds I have done it. 

And of course, modesty.  This is what I bring to the table and why women were always attracted to me.


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## MrsHolland

I'm a simple woman:

He had to be wealthy, exceptional in bed, very good looking, tall, into football, intelligent, killer SOH, appreciator of good wine, loyal, good morals, not religious, successful white collar career.


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## Blondilocks

MrsHolland said:


> I'm a simple woman:
> 
> He had to be wealthy, exceptional in bed, very good looking, tall, into football, intelligent, killer SOH, appreciator of good wine, loyal, good morals, not religious, successful white collar career.


Yep! lol Keep it simple.


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## Cooper

Davidmidwest said:


> What is it or WTF are women over 45 stating what does a man bring to the table.
> 
> Ladies, what does that mean, what do you want in a man to bring to the table to date and be a friend and life partner? .
> 
> Men, what is it that women should bring to the table to date them, for them to be a friend and life partner.
> 
> In your answer describe all three.
> 
> 
> I am so confused. Does this make dating and going into a loving relationship more difficult?
> 
> I got my but torn up in the ladies lounge about regrets about not having kids when I was younger and getting advice about late family. I know at 54 i want no new family from scratch. Another thing I have no living relatives and mention making friends takes work.


Are you serious? At the age of 54 you never heard that phrase before? Or don't have the ability to figure out what it means? 

I agree with Elizabeth001, something just isn't right.


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## Andy1001

MrsHolland said:


> I'm a simple woman:
> 
> He had to be wealthy, exceptional in bed, very good looking, tall, into football, intelligent, killer SOH, appreciator of good wine, loyal, good morals, not religious,
> 
> successful white collar career.[/QUOT
> 
> I don’t like wine so that’s me ruled out lol.


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## arbitrator

MrsHolland said:


> *I'm a simple woman:
> 
> He had to be wealthy, exceptional in bed, very good looking, tall, into football, intelligent, killer SOH, appreciator of good wine, loyal, good morals, not religious, successful white collar career.*


*If lacking in any of these traits listed above are even remotely deemed to be "dealbreakers," like being "wealthy, very good-looking, not religious, and white collar," then you're simply missing out on a lot of great people and companionship!*


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## tech-novelist

Vinnydee said:


> I have posted many times that I am very confident and never got jealous because I know what I bring to the table. It means what you can offer someone. Getting married simply because of love is a major reason for our high divorce rate. Love changes and/or fades. Worrying about paying bills or supporting your kids can cause a lot of stress. Needing your wife to work and also take care of the house, is not every woman's dream. A smart woman will consider love but not as the only measure of a man. What I brought to the table and was well received by many women is:
> 
> - IQ in the top 99.7% of the world which enabled me to succeed in all that I did.


99.7% of the world's population is in the top 99.7% of the IQ curve, so that's not terribly rare. >


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## Rowan

tech-novelist said:


> 99.7% of the world's population is in the top 99.7% of the IQ curve, so that's not terribly rare. >


Now, now. Plenty of really intelligent folks are bad at mathing.


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## Spicy

Vinnydee said:


> What I brought to the table and was well received by many women is:
> 
> - Income in the top 5% of the country and every thing that it brings with it.
> - IQ in the top 99.7% of the world which enabled me to succeed in all that I did.
> - Good looks according to the many girls who shared my bed.
> - Good Personality. Easy going. Good sense of humor
> - Well dressed, educated, spoken.
> - Financial security for her and any future children
> - Very alpha. Jock in school and combat vet. Many girls want alpha men, even these days.
> - Good in bed from what I have been told. Lots of repeat business.
> - Sexually liberal. Anything goes. You name the kink and odds I have done it.
> 
> And of course, modesty.  This is what I bring to the table and why women were always attracted to me.


OUCH!!!! I just sprained both my eyes with that roll!


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## john117

Rowan said:


> Now, now. Plenty of really intelligent folks are bad at mathing.


Thank God for SPSS and Matlab


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## Blondilocks

john117 said:


> Thank God for SPSS and Matlab


LOL I had read that as 'bad at mating' (which is still true).


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## Bananapeel

Davidmidwest said:


> What is it or WTF are women over 45 stating what does a man bring to the table.
> 
> Ladies, what does that mean, what do you want in a man to bring to the table to date and be a friend and life partner? .
> 
> Men, what is it that women should bring to the table to date them, for them to be a friend and life partner.
> 
> In your answer describe all three.
> 
> 
> I am so confused. Does this make dating and going into a loving relationship more difficult?
> 
> I got my but torn up in the ladies lounge about regrets about not having kids when I was younger and getting advice about late family. I know at 54 i want no new family from scratch. Another thing I have no living relatives and mention making friends takes work.


If a woman says that to you it's just a *poop* test. 

What I bring to the table is just me and I don't feel the need to justify who I am to garner interest from a woman. Either they feel the spark and want to get to know me or they don't and I'll date someone else. If we get to know each other and have shared values, sexual chemistry, physical attraction, desire to be in a relationship, and compatible lifestyles is what determines whether it progresses to a life partner. 

BTW, dating shouldn't be difficult. It is supposed to be fun or you are doing it wrong. Try to not be so goal oriented and instead just go out and have a good time and let things progress naturally.


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## Bananapeel

To more directly answer your question, the good characteristics that I possess that most women seem to like include: smart and highly educated, confident, successful, well respected in the community/volunteerism, thoughtful, funny, fit/attractive, good in bed. 

If you're a fan of Tom Leykis you'd believe that the general things that women find attractive in men are money, fame, and power. If you have done well in any one of those areas you'll have an easy time finding women.


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## uhtred

People look for different things. One very general attribute is whether someone is often "providing help" or often "needing help". At least in my experience this doesn't feel at all random - there are some people that seem to frequently find themselves in situations where they need someone to help them, and other people who seem to frequently be in a position to provide that help.


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## Rowan

Bananapeel said:


> If a woman says that to you it's just a *poop* test.
> 
> What I bring to the table is just me and I don't feel the need to justify who I am to garner interest from a woman. Either they feel the spark and want to get to know me or they don't and I'll date someone else. If we get to know each other and have shared values, sexual chemistry, physical attraction, desire to be in a relationship, and compatible lifestyles is what determines whether it progresses to a life partner.



I'm not sure women in his real life are saying that to him. I agree that would be weird and very off-putting coming from a date. 

I suspect, rather, that he was somewhat taken aback that so many posters on his thread in the Ladies' Lounge were asking that question. It's much less weird coming from people you've just asked about finding a woman 15-20 years younger so you can start a "do-over" family since your previous marriages didn't work out and your now-grown son has always been "a dud". That sort of thing is pretty much guaranteed to cause people to question what you might be bringing to the table that would make you a great catch for any woman.


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## Bananapeel

Thanks @Rowan. I didn't read his other thread so that makes a lot more sense now.


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## I shouldnthave

Here’s the deal. 

It doesn’t sound very romantic or lovely dovey, but relationship, finding that “someone” is often about an exchange of assets / qualities. 

There is no secret that rich powerful men, ten to land extremely beautiful women. For a man, power and wealth make then “high value”, and women, good looks tend to add to their “high value”. 

People want to know your value, they want to know what you have to offer them. Again, not romantic, but it’s the basics stripped down. Ever heard the term “water seeks its own level”? Its important to understand what your assets are, and your weaknesses, and how they affect your “value” in the dating market. 

Lets play the “high and low value game”

Young (for women) +30 points
Young (for men) +5 points
Same age +0
Older (for women) – 20 points
Older (for men) – 10 points

Physically fit +20
Overweight -20

Physically attractive (woman) +40
Physically attractive (man) +20
Average looking +0
Below average -20

Sex – more the merrier +20
Low libido -20

No kids +20 points
Kids but good relationship +0
Estranged kid -20

Wealthy (man) +40
Wealthy (woman) +10
Average finances +0
Struggling finances -30

Emotional intelligence +20
Poor communicator -30

Do you get the idea? THIS is what you bring to the table, who you are, what you have to offer a partner, why would someone want to take a chance on building a life with you? 

The other thread you basically said “I want a high value woman” one who is young, and will bear children for me, despite my past. Well, if you want a high value woman, you have to be a high value man. If you do not have youth, dashing good looks and charisma on your side, you better have some other high value qualities like wealth and a high emotional IQ. 

If you are in your 50’s, with grandchildren, a spotty career history, multiple divorces, physical and mental health issues, you must recognize all of those things affect your dating “value”. You would be best suited to direct your attention to women who have a similar “value”. 

Its akin to walking into an auto showroom with a Toyota budget, but instead try to buy the Ferrari. Know your buying power.


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## john117

Except one rarely selects a spouse by numbers. A phone, maybe. 

That's where the Gestalt part comes in.


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## LTCNurse

Davidmidwest said:


> I call monthly and say I love you to him.
> 
> 
> 
> ..



I thought you said WEEKLY in your other thread. Weekly is MUCH better but still not enough. Find ways to spend time with your son and get in touch with your grandchildren on a regular basis. Offer to be a babysitter at times. Send them cards with treats and a few dollars. Plan some fun activities with them and include your Son. There is a lot of healing to attend to in your current relationships before starting another. You make some Christian oriented comments, I recall, and I'm sure Jesus would want you to focus on what he has already given you....WHO he has already given you.


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## I shouldnthave

john117 said:


> Except one rarely selects a spouse by numbers. A phone, maybe.
> 
> That's where the Gestalt part comes in.


I agree completely - while I set out "numbers" above, I wasn't trying to say that people really do sit down and make a tally....

But perhaps in a way they do - yes its Gestalt, yes its a bit more than the sum of parts. The parts are important though, and water tends to seek its own level. 

The most important quality is that thing you can't place a numeric value on, that spiritual connection, that certain chemistry, that *thing* that draws two people together.

Often though, that *thing* wont get a chance if there are too many negative qualities. What you bring to the table matters as well.


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## I shouldnthave

> I call monthly and say I love you to him.





LTCNurse said:


> I thought you said WEEKLY in your other thread. Weekly is MUCH better but still not enough. Find ways to spend time with your son and get in touch with your grandchildren on a regular basis. Offer to be a babysitter at times. Send them cards with treats and a few dollars. Plan some fun activities with them and include your Son. There is a lot of healing to attend to in your current relationships before starting another. Y*ou make some Christian oriented comments, I recall, and I'm sure Jesus would want you to focus on what he has already given you....WHO he has already given you*.


This 100%

Do you love him? Why do you say you knew he was a dud at age 7? Bad genes? Bad parenting? What in the world would make a 7 year old a dud? 

Remember, love is not a word.... love is an ACTION. How do you *show* him you love him?


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## BarbedFenceRider

Just keeping to the question and topic at hand....

I would say "BRING TO THE TABLE" : ME. All of me. not some of me, not part of me...Just me.

Yeah, we ALL have been to school. Half of the worlds morons have been to some of the most prestigious ones! As long as you do have some context into the world around you, and can coherently speak to me...We're good. 

Yeah, I don't make a ton of money... And I know quite alot that do. They are self absorbed, narcissistic and condescending. Don't want 'em, don't need 'em. But I take care of my Sh*t, and don't rely on others for my well being.

Yeah, I'm a failure. I have failed at alot of things I have done. But I have also tried and done! Most go through life without ever stepping out of their shadows. Not me. You only get one chance at this thing, and I am glad to have done than regret not have done.... But , I have also succeeded as well. If not more of the time anyways!

Mostly, I bring value into showing the other, value in them... I bring something that a piece of paper or something bought or procured at a store doesn't.

Most of all, I bring the hope for peace and love. And the joys in experiencing that in the world around us, together.


Yeah, thats MY table....


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## SentHereForAReason

I shouldnthave said:


> Here’s the deal.
> 
> It doesn’t sound very romantic or lovely dovey, but relationship, finding that “someone” is often about an exchange of assets / qualities.
> 
> There is no secret that rich powerful men, ten to land extremely beautiful women. For a man, power and wealth make then “high value”, and women, good looks tend to add to their “high value”.
> 
> People want to know your value, they want to know what you have to offer them. Again, not romantic, but it’s the basics stripped down. Ever heard the term “water seeks its own level”? Its important to understand what your assets are, and your weaknesses, and how they affect your “value” in the dating market.
> 
> Lets play the “high and low value game”
> 
> Young (for women) +30 points
> Young (for men) +5 points
> Same age +0
> Older (for women) – 20 points
> Older (for men) – 10 points
> 
> Physically fit +20
> Overweight -20
> 
> Physically attractive (woman) +40
> Physically attractive (man) +20
> Average looking +0
> Below average -20
> 
> Sex – more the merrier +20
> Low libido -20
> 
> No kids +20 points
> Kids but good relationship +0
> Estranged kid -20
> 
> Wealthy (man) +40
> Wealthy (woman) +10
> Average finances +0
> Struggling finances -30
> 
> Emotional intelligence +20
> Poor communicator -30
> 
> Do you get the idea? THIS is what you bring to the table, who you are, what you have to offer a partner, why would someone want to take a chance on building a life with you?
> 
> The other thread you basically said “I want a high value woman” one who is young, and will bear children for me, despite my past. Well, if you want a high value woman, you have to be a high value man. If you do not have youth, dashing good looks and charisma on your side, you better have some other high value qualities like wealth and a high emotional IQ.
> 
> If you are in your 50’s, with grandchildren, a spotty career history, multiple divorces, physical and mental health issues, you must recognize all of those things affect your dating “value”. You would be best suited to direct your attention to women who have a similar “value”.
> 
> Its akin to walking into an auto showroom with a Toyota budget, but instead try to buy the Ferrari. Know your buying power.


POTY Candidate ^^^^^


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## Ynot

It really is rather odd that anyone would even ask such a question as the OP did. "Bring something to the table" means you don't show up empty handed or even worst with just an empty stomach that needs fed (ie needy). I think most people understand when they ask what does he/she bring to the table that they are not looking for another dependent, but rather someone who can enhance their life instead of sucking more of it away. If the OP has to ask it makes me think perhaps he is a needy or he wouldn't wonder why anyone else would expect him to have something to offer.


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## Davidmidwest

LTCNurse said:


> I thought you said WEEKLY in your other thread. Weekly is MUCH better but still not enough. Find ways to spend time with your son and get in touch with your grandchildren on a regular basis. Offer to be a babysitter at times. Send them cards with treats and a few dollars. Plan some fun activities with them and include your Son. There is a lot of healing to attend to in your current relationships before starting another. You make some Christian oriented comments, I recall, and I'm sure Jesus would want you to focus on what he has already given you....WHO he has already given you.


Good. I am so thankful. I pray for my ex-wifer her kids to be successful. I have forgiven them and myself.
I am making effort to see my son... 
Your advice is good.


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## Davidmidwest

Ynot said:


> It really is rather odd that anyone would even ask such a question as the OP did. "Bring something to the table" means you don't show up empty handed or even worst with just an empty stomach that needs fed (ie needy). I think most people understand when they ask what does he/she bring to the table that they are not looking for another dependent, but rather someone who can enhance their life instead of sucking more of it away. If the OP has to ask it makes me think perhaps he is a needy or he wouldn't wonder why anyone else would expect him to have something to offer.


I have examined my life, issues, work life, I have had my share of tragedy. I am going to live the rest of my life following God's way. Give love, be positive, have a good thing to say. I learned much at a large eknxpense. I made my mind up to live in the present and don't worry about things. I know my worth and I need to find a way gain and rebuild my soul. I am no way dependent on anyone. It life and marriage one has to be interdependent: Not dependent and not co-dependent.


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## Ynot

Davidmidwest said:


> I have examined my life, issues, work life, I have had my share of tragedy. I am going to live the rest of my life following God's way. Give love, be positive, have a good thing to say. I learned much at a large eknxpense. I made my mind up to live in the present and don't worry about things. I know my worth and I need to find a way gain and rebuild my soul. I am no way dependent on anyone. It life and marriage one has to be interdependent: Not dependent and not co-dependent.


Dude, you are dependent on someone. In this case some God that you were spoon fed at some point in your life. God (whatever that is) wants you to be happy. It is why he created that concept. He/she doesn't require your worship, dedication to him/her or anything of the sort. He/she just asks that you go out and make the most of your life and the opportunities that present themselves to you based on the decisions you make as a living breathing human being. Live for you, as it is intended and not for someone or something else.


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## chillymorn69

Women don't like cry babies


Just sayin.


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## RandomDude

Davidmidwest said:


> What is it or WTF are women over 45 stating what does a man bring to the table.


Quite frankly in my opinion if a woman asks that, I believe you should look elsewhere. She's not interested in you, but what you can offer her alone. There is a difference.

Now if a woman asks you what drives you, what is your ambition, and what are your dreams - then she's worth it. If a man doesn't have any of those however, then women would be wise to avoid him.

Now if a woman doesn't ask any of those, she's a fool, and not worth it either in the long run as she has yet to know what she wants.


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