# Separated and Dating Each Other...Tips???



## indecisive11 (Mar 27, 2011)

Well things definitely have not been working out between me and my husband. We have been separated for 2 weeks. He expressed to me that he does not want a divorce. My feelings for him have definitely changed. I am not "in love" with him, but I love because of the time we shared and the 3 children that we have.

Even though things seemed good for a moment, I decided that it was too soon for him to move back in the house. I thought that we should "date" each other for a while to see what happens. 

I will be extremely honest...I am TOO forgiving, overlook often, very optimistic, and make excuses for him. When you wanted your marriage to work and have done it for 7 years, you began to do it without even knowing.

I need some help! I want to be firm, realistic, but not too demanding. What are some of the things that I should look for and/or expect to see that he is making a change?

Some of the things I would like to see are:

1. More involvement with his kids.
2. More attentive to me.
3. No extramarital affairs.
4. Treat me as someone that he wants to take it to the "next level" with (i.e. move back in).
5. Being romantic (gestures, dates, I love you's for reason, card/gift for no reason).

I really want to feel like he adores me and I am the most important thing in the world to him (besides our kids). I feel like what I want is a NEW relationship. I miss that old feeling. Does it ever come back with a person that you have had marital problems with? Or am I really asking for a new person altogether?

I understand that I am older and wiser than I was when I got married, and I don't want to be unrealistic.

Please give me any advice you may have.

Thanks.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I too am separated, and want a "New Guy," "New Relationship" but truly don't know if it could ever happen. He says that too much has happened over the last 22 years, and I agree. I want a brand new marriage WITH him since I have had so many personal revelations and so has he, but I am afraid I will be kicked in the stomach and disappointed once again if we ever even tried. Think ours is "too little too late" but you need to do what feels "right for you!" Would he be receptive to you telling him exactly what you expressed here as to what your needs/desires are for your marriage, or would you have to "play the game" more with him? A long time ago I heard that relationships are like a pie. For women, almost the entire pie revolves around our significant other. For the men, it is only a "slice" and they have many more portions that are important to them too. I really see that in my situation. I would like to be almost the "whole pie" to him. I am wishing you luck. Go with your "gut" and be open and honest with him and see where it leads you. It will probably go back and forth until it stabilizes one way or the other. 

Kcrat


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

IMO 2 weeks isn't long enough for someone to change their life for good, especially if the behaviors that caused the split have been going on for years.
What steps have both of you taken to help save your marriage besides living apart?
Are you both willing to do counseling together? That would be a must.

My H and I have been separated for almost 2 months and while it's been hard, I know that if we are serious about changing some of our behaviors and it is going to take time.
We do go on "dates" together and have a nice time. I've been going to C by myself and he has expressed interest in possibily joining me.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a "new" marriage. As far as I am concerned our old marriage is dead. Neither one of us want to go back to that marriage.
However, if you expect your H to turn into Prince Charming and be your knight in shining armor I am sorry but that is unrealistic.

If you love your H, take things slow and do whatever you can to work through this.
Make sure you take this time to work on yourself as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indecisive11 (Mar 27, 2011)

Kcrat,

To be honest, there is a big side of me that wants to let it go. By nature I am a fighter and I figure that I will see how this one LAST chance works out. We have children together and they love him! I wanted to make sure that I did my absolute best so that when I look my kids in the eyes, I know that I did all I could do.

BUT I don't want to go through the drama or be played for a fool anymore. There is a huge side of me that is scared because I have been so disappointed in this marriage. I figured that this would be better than going through the whole separation process all over again. If he does not do what he needs to do away, he won't do it at home.

Ya' know I really want to TELL him what I want, but I have been telling him for years. If he has any clue and really wants this relationship to work, he is going to have to step his part up big time. I am no longer going to be the doer or bring all the suggestions to the table. If he wants me, he is going to have to work for it. 

I told him to bring his A game. All the things that you would do for that hot girl that you really want -- do them for me! He has much more invested in me than a fantasy -- 7 years and 3 kids. I AM WORTH IT! 

If he does not do it, it will be on him this time -- instead of me putting forth all the effort. I am flat out tired of working so damn hard in the marriage and it seems to be a walk in the park for him. Don't get me wrong there is a big side of me that wants to tell him, but I don't want to make it too easy for him. If he ever comes back home, he will have to put his heart, time and effort to make the relationship continue to work. So I think I will give a some practice!  If he REALLY wants me back!


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## indecisive11 (Mar 27, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> IMO 2 weeks isn't long enough for someone to change their life for good, especially if the behaviors that caused the split have been going on for years.
> What steps have both of you taken to help save your marriage besides living apart?
> Are you both willing to do counseling together? That would be a must.
> 
> ...


I don't want to Prince Charming, but I do want a man that values me for who I am. I know that marriage and life can get hectic but we should always reconnect with our spouse about why we got married in the first place. He just became a bump on a log.

I agree. 2 weeks is not long enough. I am thinking months. I want to see a consistent change in him. Don't get me wrong, he has done his part, but I am looking at myself too. If I want him to be better, I want to be better for him too. I am going to counseling, but I don't want to offer it to him. I don't want to make his way to easy. I want to see him make the steps in the right direction and continue in them. 

I am not sure if I can get a "new" marriage with him to be honest. I really have lost all hope. I just want him to show responsiblity and effort for the place that we are in. I want to see if we can get it right. I hope you understand.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I understand exactly what you mean.

It is good that you are in counseling for yourself.
I wasn't necessarily saying you should go together, he could possibly go by himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indecisive11 (Mar 27, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> I understand exactly what you mean.
> 
> It is good that you are in counseling for yourself.
> I wasn't necessarily saying you should go together, he could possibly go by himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't mind me asking. Why do you think we should go together?


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't have any suggestions for you, just sympathy. I won't even date my husband at this point. He can't do 4 days running being nice. Then I think if he ever makes that it may still be a lost cause. How can I know that when he goes Mr. nice living on his own that he can handle out house with 3 kids one of them having autism. He has peace and calm all the time and can't do 4 days...
 Good luck :scratchhead:


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## can't decide (Jul 21, 2015)

Hi Indecisive11.

I am so glad that I stumbled upon your post. I've said the exact same things as you to my therapist. I see that your post is dated in 2011. Could you please give us an update? 

I am going through it now and I am as indecisive as you are. Please tell me what happened after your separation.


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