# How to keep the sex fire HOT!, HOT!!, HOT!!!!



## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Man, I must have read about 5000 posts saying the same thing: my w/h is boring in bed or doesn't pay attention/treat me good so I don't want to have sex. What am i to do?
Let's get this straight: you want sex but don't want a relationship? Why have a relationship, then?

when I was younger I felt the same way: sex and marriage weren't necessarily the same. However, as I've aged, I've begun to mellow out regarding my rampaging desires. I mean I am still rampaging, but I scale back my ambitions and release them in controlled and utterly moderated way whereby my wife feels both involved and focussed on. Make her the center of your world and she will do just about anything. If you really want to have sex with someone else, turn out the lights. I think that using your imagination now and then is ok but you prolly might want to remember why it is you married the woman in the first place.

If the love is there, then be happy you've found someone righteous enough to want to spend your life with and honour them and they will treat you right!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Good post, but the other thing to keep in mind is that there are not going to be fireworks every time you have sex. Sometimes it is OK, sometimes it is good, sometimes it is really good, and sometimes it is WOW!!!! We started a book recently called "Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style." It starts with separating fact from fiction. The majority of sex is somewhere in the middle.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

romantic_guy said:


> Good post, but the other thing to keep in mind is that there are not going to be fireworks every time you have sex. Sometimes it is OK, sometimes it is good, sometimes it is really good, and sometimes it is WOW!!!! We started a book recently called "Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style." It starts with separating fact from fiction. The majority of sex is somewhere in the middle.


Yes indeed, and contrary to the media, the middle actually rocks most of the time!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I should have said, however, that I am all for keeping it as hot as you can by reading, toys, trying new positions, trying new places, role-playing, etc.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

L.M.COYL said:


> Man, I must have read about 5000 posts saying the same thing: my w/h is boring in bed or doesn't pay attention/treat me good so I don't want to have sex. What am i to do?
> Let's get this straight: you want sex but don't want a relationship? Why have a relationship, then?
> 
> when I was younger I felt the same way: sex and marriage weren't necessarily the same. However, as I've aged, I've begun to mellow out regarding my rampaging desires. I mean I am still rampaging, but I scale back my ambitions and release them in controlled and utterly moderated way whereby my wife feels both involved and focussed on. *Make her the center of your world and she will do just about anything.* If you really want to have sex with someone else, turn out the lights. I think that using your imagination now and then is ok but you prolly might want to remember why it is you married the woman in the first place.
> ...


Well, this has been true for our marriage. 

I'm sure that there are many dysfunctional people out there, though, that if you make them the center of your world, they'll take that and everything else besides without ever returning anything.

Works best when both are willing to give to each other.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good post, Enchantment. That is what has made our marriage work as well. But as we have learned from this site, some people will take advantage of their spouse's vulnerabilities.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Well, this has been true for our marriage.
> 
> I'm sure that there are many dysfunctional people out there, though, that if you make them the center of your world, they'll take that and everything else besides without ever returning anything.
> 
> Works best when both are willing to give to each other.


Nicely put! This place is full of stories from people who do exactly what the OP suggests and are still potless.

As Joe Walsh said "You can't argue with a sick mind"


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, there are always qualifiers and pathologies that we must be vigilant against. I was speaking in generalities. That being said, every relationship will experience stages when one partner might pick up the slack of the other, then they will switch roles. If it is all one way then there is a pathology at work. The point is that too much of the time people think in polarities/expectations and neglect compromise/living in the moment which leads us to conflict. Prepare the ground for physical arousal by satisfying emotional and other needs first. The rest will follow, eventually.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Sex is like the rest of your life (except there's no welfare system). In other words, you get what you work for. If you don't work for a good sex life, you'll never have it. If you do work for a good sex life, you will have it.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I guess what I was getting at is that the sex is secondary as you age (I know, that's a groundbreaking insight ) ) . For me, I want it but balance it against my partner's feelings. I realize how wrong that sounds to testosterone brimming readers on this topic who want ways to engage and interest their powers more often but I don't think they get the bigger picture for their lovers which is emotion and well-being. It's good from time to time to sacrifice impulses for the sake emotional connection time.

I'm not sure I agree with the social service analogy. I agree that you must work for a strong relationship, and by extension sex, but I disagree that it is all within your power to mitigate against issues your spouse or lover may have (i.e., legacy of sexual abuse, etc), that is really the role of a specialist (or, in your analogy a social service worker-God, love em' all!). A healthy and HAPPY society is one which respects/helps all and especially the underprivileged. In a similar way, we must give our lovers the space and supports they may need, often that does not mean tiresome, insensitive and selfish sexual coercion.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

L.M.COYL said:


> I guess what I was getting at is that the sex is secondary as you age (I know, that's a groundbreaking insight ) ) .


That is NOT the case for us. We started having sex as teenagers...which led to us getting married because she was pregnant. We are finding that sex is getting better after 40 years. It is just as important and frequent as ever. Last night was so passionate, so awesome. It may be because it had been a week because of her period and we had just finished watching "The Other Bolyn Girl." We found the scene when the King "bedded" Mary quite erotic!


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

That sounds awesome. I've heard that's a video. 

I agree that sex does get better over time, but I also feel that there is less urgency to it. There are other areas where we share and we are comfortable with that. I guess I look at it in a hollistic manner; all parts need to be in balance for the relationship to work.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

"I agree that sex does get better over time"

Im not sure I agree with that entirly. For some it might and logically, you would thnk it true but I gues the human factor needs to be taken into account. I see for many couples, mine too, that sex appears to dimish as they progres deeper into their relationship. Sex begins to take a back seat and as a result, gets pushed down furhter and further on the to do list. Eventually, it gets taken off the list altogether. Long after dishes. Life itself takes over and our sex life, which is a different life to our normal lives disappears into the sunset. Eventually, never to be seen again.

That appears to be a more normal married life.


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

Paradox of Sex

If you had a fulfilling Sexual Union...you dont feel like having it the next day or day after ....

On the Otherhand , the same Love driven couples have Love Making in small to big gestures , as and when they mutually feel like ...

Another POV..

Women who complain of Men's Lack of Interest or Performance need to understand, that Men are The Dynamic Force...even Hercules will need rest after coming from a Tiring Work Schedule, inorder to "Work on them" further....

Women are not satiated owing to their Lack of Understanding on their Men and lack of Cooperation and they turn to Infidelity as a Solution...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Claude Veritas said:


> Paradox of Sex
> 
> If you had a fulfilling Sexual Union...you dont feel like having it the next day or day after ....
> 
> ...


I disagree, for me personally as woman. Having sex means wanting more sex, the less women have it, the less they desire it, and the reverse is true as well.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I like the paradox characterization: sex seems less urgent to those who are assured of it. However, I would not say that it dies at all. In mt experience, I find that though frequency declines the intensity is better as well as the openness of partners to more kinky behaviour :smthumbup:


I find that relationships like my own identity is best when I pay attention to all facets, not simply just one. That being said, for my wife it seems liker her libido gets stronger the more sex she gets :scratchhead:

My question is: are you both largely happy?


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

I disagree, for me personally as woman. Having sex means wanting more sex, the less women have it, the less they desire it, and the reverse is true as well.


---I dont disagree as such , but partly...for in the first aspect,Thats not a Paradox in Sex, its simply the normal Libido..yet, this happens since the Sex was never complete in its Satiation,....but the Extreme of it is Unhealthy ...thus wanting for more can result in Sexual Dis satisfactions and further troubled Sexual Appetites...

and .those who dont get much sex,though seemingly or otherwise less with desire, paradoxically craves it deeply...and it can erupt at any time, like a Dormant Vulcano and thats pretty Unhealthy...and detrimental in the consequent aftermaths..

Ponder...Deduct...Infer


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I would have to say over all, we are definatly both happy. We do things together we never could have dreamed of. We work together well, share goals and dreams and sucesses. And the failers as well. Everythng we have, we owe to each other. But sex have definatly taken a severe down turn. We have talked about our issues but nothing eventuates. Just same old same old. On the weekend, she said I think we'll have sex tonight and I just froze.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Diolay said:


> "I agree that sex does get better over time"
> 
> Im not sure I agree with that entirly. For some it might and logically, you would thnk it true but I gues the human factor needs to be taken into account. I see for many couples, mine too, that sex appears to dimish as they progres deeper into their relationship. Sex begins to take a back seat and as a result, gets pushed down furhter and further on the to do list. Eventually, it gets taken off the list altogether. Long after dishes. Life itself takes over and our sex life, which is a different life to our normal lives disappears into the sunset. Eventually, never to be seen again.
> 
> That appears to be a more normal married life.


That is why a couple MUST keep their sex life a priority. I know that life can become the "tyranny of the urgent" and it takes work to keep your relationship primary. For our 39 plus years we have had a date nights, took time away from our kids for a romantic get away, got counseling when needed etc. We had a baby 5 months after we were married at 16 and 17...we HAD to work at it or fail. Now, the kids are gone (for about 15 years) and we are having the best sex of our lives. My wife does not refuse unless she can't keep her eyes open and last night, although she was exhausted, we had a quickie. Her orgasm was AMAZING (mine too). Sometimes you do it when you don't feel like it and the results are outstanding!!!
:smthumbup:


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

.......Imagination.......


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhsssssssssss!


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Yeah romantic guy, I actually tried that years ago. I can remember waking up in the morning, feeling a bit amorous, starting to get it on with my wife. Playing around etc. Then, in the blink of an eye, time to get up, we have to go shopping. (Or something like that). Day after day, week after week etc.. 

Eventually of course, I just gave up. We have talked about this but nothing changes. Now all I concentrate on is doing other things such as shopping etc. Sex is no longer on the agenda. Often my wife says, we’ll have sex this weekend, but it’s rare that it will happen.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

A lot of this is all state of mind. It's what you make of it. Your actions reflect his and visa versa. If you want the sex to be hot, keep the passion there. It's not difficult to do. Be open and honest with your spouse. Communicate your needs. 

My husband and I only had a hard time right after I broke my neck. It took a full 6 months to heal and 2 years to accept the chronic pain. We still need to take it easy, but work within our limits. I couldn't kiss him back until I felt comfortable enough with my neck. Even a little kissing makes a huge difference. Without the passion, it seems so disconnecting. I'm glad we are back to where we once were. Actually it's better. Practice makes perfect!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Diolay said:


> Yeah romantic guy, I actually tried that years ago. I can remember waking up in the morning, feeling a bit amorous, starting to get it on with my wife. Playing around etc. Then, in the blink of an eye, time to get up, we have to go shopping. (Or something like that). Day after day, week after week etc..
> 
> Eventually of course, I just gave up. We have talked about this but nothing changes. Now all I concentrate on is doing other things such as shopping etc. Sex is no longer on the agenda. Often my wife says, we’ll have sex this weekend, but it’s rare that it will happen.


I wouldn't necessarily give up w/your w, Diolay.
If she is saying things like maybe this weekend that is significant. Now, will you prepare the atmosphere, make time for both of you and . . . ah, lubricate the environment?


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Oh I have totally given up on it. She says that I think just to keep the peace but it rarely eventuates. I used to take her at her word but when I tried to set the scene, get thhings going or initiate thing, I was brushed off. I simply don't believe her any more. We used ti have sex once in a blue moon. During those times she would talk about any thing and every thing but pillow talk. Not even an I love, you're sexy, nothing. It was usually things about the kids, or she would turn it into a ***** session. If I touched her anywhere, I could never touch her right or she would push me away. 

Eventually I would have to force her legs apart and do the deed just to shut her up. It was a case, of get this over with so I can get the hell out of there. (Sounds bad I know).

After a while, if she say I think we wil have sex tonight, and I thought she actually meant it, I would tense up. It wasn't relaxing at all nor enjoyable. Last time she said it, I absolutly froze. There is no emotion or attachment with sex in any mannor or form. For me, it's dead stone cold.


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