# Could use some advice.



## jruchko (Sep 20, 2010)

This post is pretty long, but I will try to keep it as short as possible.

Some information about how I got to this point:
We met in November of 09.
She asked me to move in with her in January of 2010. (live 1 1/2 hours apart)
My car blew up a couple days before I moved in, so I didn't have my own car (big issue)
I decided I wanted to get back into the army, so we got married in March.
Found out it wouldn't be a quick or easy process, and fell into depression.
Stopped going out, getting her little surprises, or showing her I appreciated her.
I was just basically not myself for about 5 months.
We had a few fights, and eventually decided it would be best for me to move out, so I am now currently living back where I used to.
She called me about 2 weeks ago saying she wanted a divorce.

That pretty much covers everything, or at least the main issues. Now 2 weeks ago she asked for a couple days of no contact so she could think about everything and if she could continue with the relationship, and I was an idiot and didn't listen. After 2 days she called me and said we were done, and part of the reason is because I couldn't listen to a simple request.

5 days after that decision she started to see someone else, she usually goes from 1 relationship to another, and doesn't like being alone, he just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and it doesn't bother me that much.

Now this is why I made this thread:
2 days after the call she said she went and got the papers to file for divorce, but still has yet to file. I also know she still loves me, and she still has a part of her that wants us to work. I went no contact last week when I found out she was seeing someone else, and a few days ago she sent me a long e-mail saying that she is confused and doesn't know how she feels at this point, that she will always love me, and I will always have a place in her heart. She also said that she wishes that we could go back in time and things work out differently, and that she wants me to keep in touch with her.

Obviously that had me confused, and I am still trying to make complete sense of it, but I simply responded by saying that I agree with the divorce, that we rushed it, and I think we both just need some space right now. I did that to let her know I wanted no contact, because when I started it last week I just stopped responding to her texts.

Now I know what issues I need to work on, and I am not doing them for her, but for me, because somewhere along the line I stopped being me, and became a jerk. What I need help with, is trying to find out my best chances of getting back together with her somewhere down the road, because we were great together until I changed, and not in a good way.

Is no contact the best thing, or would it be best to send an e-mail about every other week to let her know how I am doing, and showing her I am making changes?

Since she is seeing someone else, I have read 2 different ways to go about getting her back, 1 is strict no contact, the other is slowly become her friend and try to be there for her when her new relationship fails. Right now I just don't know which way is best, because I have had plenty of heartbreaks in the past, but never really wanted to get back together with anyone after the first couple days or so, this is different for me.

TL;DR
First date, moved in, married, and divorce all within 1 year.
She is seeing someone else, and I want the best plan to get her back.
I know all of the issues, and what I need to work on.
She still hasn't filed even after having the papers for almost 2 weeks now.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You didn't see this coming? She wants "no contact" for two days. Translation - "I'll be doing some other guy this weekend and don't want you poppin' in." The special weekend must have been good because she immediately calls you and says "we're through". Allegedly, five days later she starts a relationship with someone else. B.S. That relationship probably dates back to at least a few days before she told you she wanted a divorce. As a soldier, what are going to do with a woman who can't be faithful for a year? Just as a man, what would you want with one? You married a woman you barely knew. Why? Don't worry about getting this one back or getting the next one. Figure out why you value yourself so little that you'd be willing to be some woman's backup plan.


----------



## jruchko (Sep 20, 2010)

I did see it coming, I just didn't want to believe it.

She didn't cheat, I know that for a fact.

The reason she broke it off is because I just didn't show I cared anymore. I spent money on myself, instead of getting her anything, or saving for things I needed (car, future). We were separated for a little over a month before she told me she is done. 

She also has a history of rebound relationships, she just gets used to someone being there, and doesn't like to be alone. I am not willing to be her "backup plan", I just know I messed up, how I messed up, and didn't realize what I had until it was too late. 

If you really think I should just give up and move on, just say so, but making assumptions doesn't help at all.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have no idea what you should do. I do know that if you do go back on active duty, she's going to be alone for long periods of time and it sounds like that's going to be a problem. "Cheating" comes in many forms. One can cheat over the internet or the phone or over a cup of coffee in public. Sometimes that sort of thing actually does more damage. My point was you two have been married a year. Marriages will have their ups and downs. Maybe you act a little selfish for a month or so this time and she does next year. Things happen. For marriage to work, both parties have to very committed and pretty stubborn, willing to hang on especially when things aren't loads of fun. Life for a soldier's wife is seldom fun. I don't know whether this woman has what it takes or not, but I do know if you're in the service, you'll need an extraordinary wife. What happens if you get deployed? Captured? Wounded? Missing? I expect mine to be waiting when I get back and I know I ask a helluva lot. That's just what the job of Army wife requires.


----------



## jruchko (Sep 20, 2010)

Thank you for this clear response.

I don't think she cheated emotionally either, but I am not 100% on that, and quite honestly, even if she was I couldn't blame her, for about 4 months she was not getting much attention from me at all, and people crave attention.

I am trying to get back into the military, and I do know the lifestyle, and she does too. It really was the only reason we got married so fast. I actually think she WANTS a husband that is in the military, she always wanted to join, but couldn't due to a health issue. I know she could handle it.

Even though you said you don't know what I should do, you still helped. I am just going to stick out this no contact, and focus on my new job, and being happy with myself.

Thanks.


----------



## jruchko (Sep 20, 2010)

I broke down, I looked at her facebook page and saw she was feeling like everything was going wrong, and hadn't even talked to, or seen the guy she has been seeing. I wrote a message to her, basically telling her to keep her head up, and I will post the last 2 messages here so you can see what was said.



ME said:


> Don't play it off like you made the easy choice, you chose the road that is filled with uncertainty. Both paths really were, but you chose the one where you had to leave someone you love, that is harder then staying. But that is besides the point and I don't think we are ready to talk about it, and I know I definitely am not.
> 
> Either way, you have also stuck with a job that treats you like * * * * , while I left when there was a little bit of conflict. I couldn't have done what you have done, and I am not sure if I could even now.
> 
> ...


Her response:



Her said:


> Well you do what you gotta do to pay the bills so. And I hope some day soon we can talk about it... And I am more than willing to talking to you josh, it isn't a problem at all
> I could really use some help here, she says she wants to talk about the whole situation, which she never wanted to do before. Should I contact her in a few days to talk about it? If so how should I go about it?


Also, she has been contacting me with little messages here and there the past week or so, basically when I posted something on my wall on facebook about my new job. Me not being able to find a job while we were separated for a month was a huge issue, and she seems like she wants to talk a lot more now that I have one. And before someone says it, she isn't a gold digger, she just wants someone who can support themselves financially, and since we are married, she would like for me to be able to provide for her also, not completely either, she still wants to continue working for now.

That is the first thing I have sent her in a little over a week, when she would message me I only responded with "thanks" or something else really short and left it at that.


----------

