# A Question for Counselors



## 23cm

Can/should I write a letter to my wife’s psychiatrist about her current condition? 
Background: You may note from previous posts that I don’t think much of counseling/therapy.

Out of absolute desperation, I finally got my alcoholic wife to talk to our primary care physician about her situation and the doc recommended a shrink. A month and a half, three sessions and $1200 into it, my wife is worse. 

She got put on Effexor, but still drinks two to three bottles if wine per day. What’s new is that she’s sleeping 12 to 14 hours a day—up at 7:30 a.m., nap from 2 p.m. to 5 or 6 p.m. and then in bed at 8 p.m. is a typical schedule. Even when she’s awake, she’s removed, and isolates herself in her study. We have no sex life, although she did tell me she would understand if I had “liaisons.” I haven’t. 

She retired a year and a half ago. She lost an elder sister to a drug overdose 6 months ago and is wrestling with a childhood of abuse at the hands of her mother who died 2 years ago. 

I know she’s talked about her childhood , doubt that she’s been forthcoming about the drinking or sleeping. We don’t discuss her sessions. 

If things don’t improve, I’m going to inquire about an intervention and if that’s not successful, then divorce is on the table. I’m 72 and she’s 62.


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## EleGirl

Would she let you go to at least one session. I did that with my ex. It went very well.

You can try writing him. I don't know if he would read it. Would you wife go along with that?


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## Blondilocks

Someone or something needs to wake her the hell up! When my BIL lost his wife, he drank himself into a wheelchair and almost died. He has been in a nursing home for the last 5 years and he's now 73. Maybe you can take her on a tour of nursing homes so she can get a feel for what her life is going to be like in a few short years. It isn't pretty.


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## TJW

23cm said:


> You may note from previous posts that I don’t think much of counseling/therapy.
> If things don’t improve, I’m going to inquire about an intervention and if that’s not successful, then divorce is on the table.


No counselor in the world can help a person who wants to remain as they are. If a person wants to change, they can be helpful.

When living with a wife who had a CSA backstory, and whose drug-of-choice was the prescriptions she could doctor-shop for, not even an intervention in which she got "locked up" actually changed anything.

Sadly, she found her "comfort zone".... and, despite everything I tried, she died of the inevitable overdose. 

A shrink was very helpful to me..... it took one session.... in which he asked me this question:

"What is your reasonable expectation ? "


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## Laurentium

I am a therapist - not a psychiatrist - and not in the USA. Therefore the rules may be different. 

I think you should write, and make it very clear that you are willing for the letter to be disclosed to your wife. 
If I received a letter from a spouse, I would read it, but not necessarily believe everything it said. 

Nevertheless, the alcohol consumption information is vital. Be as accurate as you can. 
Was the initial referral for alcoholism, and can you therefore assume the psych knows she has an alcohol problem?

It might also be worth googling effexor-alcohol interations, if you have not already done so.


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