# my fiance kissed another man



## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Hello, first time posting... great site.
I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 5 years, this past new years eve, we spent it at her house, a couple of minutes after midnight she went to her sisters house (next door) so she can wish her a nice new year....she left her phone and i answered it it thinking it mite be her sister as i just called to wish her a happy new year . I saw a text message saying I miss you etc... I started looking at all the text messages and I saw another man and my fiance have been texting eachother for about a week. "I miss you" and she would reply "me also", he also asked her if she could meet with him the next day, and she responded " ok, we shall see. I also saw she sent a picture of herself, because he asked for a photo, and also asked for a photo in her lingere, and she responded " another time"... all the other texts were "good morning", "i miss you" "what are you up to" etc... as I was looking thru her phone she came to the front door, and my knees fealt week, I couldnt beleive what I just saw, I didnt know how to react, I just made my way to the couch and started crying ( which I so much regret !!) but i couldnt help or control it, she asked me if i looked at her phone, and I said yes, she started crying also, and tried to hug me, and explain it was nothing, just a flirt, and it made her feel special that someone was thinking about her etc...I didnt allow her near me, and swore up and down she never met him alone, and never touched him etc... I had a gut feeling there was more, but she denied every time i would ask, she would just say "I would never with another man" , and how much she loved me etc,,, . Well after one month of me asking and asking, she finaly broke down and told me, three days before new years, he called her and they met in her car for 20 minutes, they kissed and thats all, she again cried and said sory 100 times etc.. and says she didnt tell me all this time out of fear of losing me. .I want out of this relationship !! After almost 4 months I still cant get over it, and I am still furious!! some days it goes away, others it hits be like a bat !! I had no clue it would be this difficult, she lied for one month!! I keep thinking maybe she still hasn't told me anything, maybe she did sleep with him etc... Im lost,I have waisted my last ****ing years with this chic!! I feel like the one person I trusted the most let me down, that hurts more than everything else. How do i know she still isnt hiding things from me,and how do I have a life with someone like this?? ? I want my normal life again... anybody go thru something like this ?? thank you....
sorry for long post...


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I would think twice about marrying her...if she did this before getting married, what will she do after? I know how it hurts...it's the most awful feeling in the world. As much as you love her I would 1) put off the wedding for a while until you are sure, and 2) get counseling with her, and maybe separately for yourself.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Polygraph. Tell her that she should jump at the chance, and that you wouldn't ask if she had told you the truth from the beginning. Say "Its our chance to make a fresh start". Run info about a polygraph service off the internet, tell her that you set an appointment. I bet she will spill the beans (if there are any) b4 you get in the car.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

thanks


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Whatever the cost is, its worth it. To remove a doubt that could be with you for the rest of your marriage. Definitely worth the money.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

yes , I will take it much much slower


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

In marriage there will be lots of challenges you will face that will test you about your love for her; and I am surprised that you are being "thrown so easily" already.

She has been flirting with this stranger and got caught out, but if you can't handle her explanation, you will lose the chance to marry her. She will fear you are having her watched 24/7 by your mates.

A man who truly loves his fiance, will be able to forgive her "wee sins".

She wants to do the poly test, but at the same time, she may already be feeling upset that you doubt her.

Will you want a poly test everytime you are suspicious?
Will she insist on a poly test on you from time to time when you don't come home from work as quickly as possible every night?


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Keeley, 
those are great points you make, I guess I have to relax a bit, at the same time I would bet my life before all this that she wouldnt have done this to me. so I have a mix bag of emotions. You are probably correct, wish i could control my feelings better. This whole ordeal made me something I never thought I would become (vulnerable,suspicious) . I hope time will heal everything, maybe I just want closure?? deep down maybe I beleive her, but how can i beleive anything 100% after all this... for me now its impossible. just being honest. I think just knowing she didnt do more will save me, but Im not sure it will save us. confused and hurt, terrible combination..... I actualy have come to the point that if she confessed to me she screwed this guy 1000 times, I would feel better, than the questions rattling my mind if she did or didnt. somehow I feel if I dont know everything, Im an outsider with the one i love the most, and that hurts the most. yet she is adament she did nothing more, confusion confusion...


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Maybe she is frustrated because you have been engaged a very long time. Marriage is "for better or for worse", you can't rush for a divorce the first time she does something wrong. 

While an engagement is a "trial for marriage", it is not a firm promise of fidelity, and other men can find her attractive and approach her and flirt simply because she does not wear a wedding ring.

When you both say your vows, you can expect her to idolise only you, but an engagement that goes on for years and years must be disappointing for her in the eyes of her friends.

If you can't trust her and therfore cast her aside, other men will rush to date her in your absence, and they will put a wedding ring on her finger in quick time, and not see all the faults you are noticing about her. 

There are no perfect women, but if you found one, she would already be married to a perfect man.

Marriage is a partnership in which each spouse makes sure the other gets as many hopes and dreams satisfied in the marriage. 

The husband is no longer the Head of the House and therefore Boss over a wife who promised to be obedient to him. 

Women are very well educated these days, and do have hopes and dreams, and if hubby won't support his wife to make them come true, the marriage will fall over eventually.

50 percentage of first marriages fail, and 66 percent of second marriages. If the rules of the marriage are too rigid, a wife will bail out when she discovers her needs are not being met.

A SPCA inspector went to an investigate a dog that barked a lot, and the husband was keeping it hungry so that it would snap savagely at strangers and keep men away from his pretty wife.

When infidelity strikes, there must be a chance to say sorry and re-negotiate the marriage to bring it back on course with fresh understandings. 

People who apologise to God for their sins are instantly forgiven and can enter Heaven. 

Humans are meant to forgive those who tresspass against them - spouses can tresspass via adultery, but the term, "go and sin no more" can repair a marriage if much of the marriage was good b4 the adultery.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Good points again,
I am now wondering if the poly will do more harm than good. thanks


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## TimImago (Apr 26, 2010)

My heart goes out to you. I was married 9 years when I found my wife had been having an affair, and I know what that betrayal of trust can feel like. 

What you do now depends on how much you love your fiancee, and how much you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If you do, then if feels important to me that you accept that she is telling you the truth. 

What feels even more important is that you learn from her why she felt lonely, and needed to seek that feeling of connection from someone else. This can be painful, but how much of a man are you? How big can your heart be? And how much are you willing to open up and listen to her needs. 

Here's the challenge, that will call on everything you have. Try to sit down and ask her what was really going wrong, before she started flirting. When she talks, you are bound to feel very hurt, and want to say "No that's wrong". But try not to. Try to take it in, and see underneath it her need to be loved by you. That's probably the most important thing in her life.

Listen and understand, and tell her you understand, and that you feel the pain that she felt when she felt so lonely she had to seek connection elsewhere. And if you feel like crying when she tells you all this - do! Why not!


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Im playing detective, and ask that you analize these messages and give your opinions,because I think I cant see as straight as an outsider at this time. I looked and read into these texts from fiance and the other man and Im trying to convince myself maybe it was just a kiss after all and not sleeping together, she explianed to me, she liked that someone was interested in her, it gave her a high, and that she is guilty of that and feels horrible, but nothing else happend. she stopped him and wanted nothing physical, she says " i just wanted to take from all this, not to give"
so here goes all the texts, 1st to last... he always wrote first.. 1st day...(om) "good morning cutie" ...(fiance)"good morning"

"I hope your smiling,you should smile more you have a great smile".....(f)"im smiling"
2nd day


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

sorry, something went wrong with my last reply, will do over...


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

2nd day om.."good morning cutie, what are you up to?" (f) " house cleaning" om "sounds sexy" (f) no response..
3rd day "good morning, hope your not lieing about smiling, smile cutie" (f) "im smiling"
om " I thinking of you" (f) "me too"
om "I miss you" (f) no response
4th day om "I would love for you to send a pic of yourself" (f) "I dont know how to send a pic with phone, never tried"
om " heres your chance to learn" (f) " I will try to figure it out on my own" om "ok"
(15 minutes later fiance sends him a pic she took of herself in front of the fireplace, wearing her dress she wore that same night, new years eve) pic has the following message " happy new year sweetey, hope all your wishes come true and your deserving of it all" om " you look amazing, would love to have a pic in your lingere" (f) " another time" (she sent the last message 3 hours before I was due home, so she had time if she wanted to) om " tomorrow Im free, want to meet downtown?" (f) "ok, we shall see" those are all the messages, they didnt have a chance to write more, that same night I caugh all of it. 
when I ask her about not saying no to the lingerie pic, she said she wanted to keep him waiting, again she says "I wanted to receive the attention, not give, and keep him waiting, like a game etc..I was guilty that I seeked it elsewhere,and the kiss caught me off guard and lasted one minute at the most,thats when i told him I cant do this, I love the man and partner Im with." I asked her about the meeting the next day, she gave me the same reply, that it made her feel high that someone was into her, and if she was truly planning to meet him, she would of asked "when and where etc.." I want to beleive all this, and to be truthful I dont see her engaging in conversations, basicaly shes letting him say all the nice compliments but her responses are cold or vague. Im not sure if its just my wishful thinking taking over, I would like to beleive if there was sex involved, or something more than just a kiss, there would maybe be some reference to that somewhere? example "it fealt so wonderful" or something like that. tell me what you think of these messages, I know a poly would tell it all, but I would like to avoid a machine dictating my relationship if possible. what do these messages say to you? thanks so much...
ps. I asked her if I didnt catch all this, how long would it have gone for under my knowledge, she says "to be honest Im not sure, but Im sure after a while he would of got the hint that its not going anywhere , it all just made me feel wanted"...All of the messages were after they met, they never text eachother before they met.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

RWB said:


> 5 years of engagement. That is a long time without the ultimate commitment (marriage). It is your call, but to start off with the issue of an affair (yes that is what it is) you really should re-evaluate your decision to marry. She did wrong, she lied to cover up, she is not committed to you, period.
> 
> I would back off now. It hurts yes. But you are not married. No contractual commitment. If you were married the stakes would magnify 100000+ fold. Run Now!


RWB & others, I agree. To the guy that says to "forgive wee sins;" sure, in marriage you'll need to treat each other with grace and forgiveness. But, the way I look at it, you're "pre-marriage," which means that you're both probably on your best behavior. From there, who knows what will happen.

Whatever you decide to do, I would very carefully consider the warning signs and be EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

this all sucks,


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Man I cant believe that you made her do a test. I mean dont get me wrong when I found out that my H kissed my ex best friend I wanted him to I thought about it but then I thought why.... I cant trust the man I married and if he has not told me it all it will come out and if we do it then it will kill our relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Taking the test was fine. If she truly passed it and she was just flirting with the guy and making out a little, then getting caught and then having the embarrassment of taking a polygraph can be a GREAT eye-opener for her. I liken it to if your kid steals candy and you just say 'Bad boy! Don't ever do it again!' - he's likely to steal again. But if you take him back to the store, make him apologize, and then make him work to pay off the $1 for the candy, he is MUCH less likely to ever steal again.

I think she didn't realize how embarrassing the test was going to be.

YOUR job, now, is to drop the subject, and be the most amazing fiance on the planet, to show her WHY she took the test.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Ask her to fill it out (you can do one, too, if you want). Tell her that you want to know what YOU did wrong in your relationship that may have led to her feeling like flirting. Tell her that you want to be the best husband ever, and to do that, you need to know how you Love Bust her (that means what you do that she doesn't like - could be leaving the toilet seat up, to blowing $5000 without telling her).

That will show her that you are not blaming it all on her, and it's now in the past. Reassure her.


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