# he said he'll never marry me



## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

long story short i've been in a relationship for 9 months with a guy who has never told me how he feels about me. he's 24 and i'm 27. all of his friends have told me that he's never been like this with anyone, has never felt this deeply about anyone before, has matured so much since we've started dating, etc. etc. when i am with him i can tell that he loves me and we have a lot of love for one another, but he's never told me how he feels or that he loves me. 

well, this past weekend i told him that i was upset that he has never told me how he feels, that i'm at the point where i want to be in a relationship that has the potential (no guarantee but potential) to go somewhere, and that without really knowing how he feels i end up feeling insecure. 

we got in a big fight, he started throwing around that he couldn't get married for at least five years even though i didn't bring up marriage, then he broke it off with me saying that he knows that he is just not the right person for me.

now, since we are not talking, his friends have told me to move on because he came to the conclusion that he doesn't see himself marrying me even though he didn't say why. he said he loves me very much but that he couldn't see himself marrying me.

what happened here?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What happened is you wasted 9 months of your life with someone who never told you how he felt about you. 

If he never even told you how he felt about you then why on Earth would you think he'd want to get married?

Move on.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

It's exactly as it seems. He doesnt want to be married and he knows that you're interested in more. He was either feeling scared or decided that you deserve to find someone who is interested in marriage. He actually seems like a decent guy, which I'm sure doesn't help you get over him. Breaking up was best for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What happened? You were used as a little bit of fun. When you expressed interest in more, he dumped you. You have paid 9 months tuition to the University of Life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but I agree, and would recommend that you look for guys OLDER than you, who HAVE had their fun 20's and are now ready for more.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

i guess i just felt that we were in love and that it was something that could potentially lead there in a few years, not now.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

thanks for the honesty. i think it's just ridiculous because i told him at the beginning of our relationship that i was looking for something that had the potential to turn into something more, and he seemed on board with that and stuck around for 9 months.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

He might not have taken you seriously at the beginning when you said you were looking for more. Or he figured that since you said "potential" he had time to string you along, and now you were pressing for that "potential" and he wasn't willing to play anymore. 

At this point, I wouldn't keep trying to figure out what happened. I'd just accept that you want something very different than what he wants, and that although you wasted several months with him, he's done you both a favor by ending it now so you can move on to find someone who's looking for the same thing you are.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jules0713 said:


> i guess i just felt that we were in love


I don't understand this. How could you feel you guys were in love if he never ever told you how he felt about you? For 9 months?

:scratchhead:


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't understand this. How could you feel you guys were in love if he never ever told you how he felt about you? For 9 months?
> 
> :scratchhead:


i mean i led myself to believe to feel that we were in love even thought neither of us had verbalized it. i was in love with him and never told him either, so i assumed he felt the same way as i did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In the future, don't do that. Look at someone's actions and don't believe what you "want" to believe because it's not based in reality.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You really need to learn how to date. Most men RUN when you say you want something serious too early on in the relationship especially in your 20's. Also most men when in love shout it from the roof tops. And they don't wait 9 months to do it either. He was just having fun until something better came along. Like someone else said you pushed him for more so he bolted.

<<<< dated a lot before I got married.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good idea. Get a good grasp on what love would LOOK like in a guy - wanting to please you more than himself, willing to sacrifice to make you happy, into you and your goals, things like that.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

turnera said:


> Good idea. Get a good grasp on what love would LOOK like in a guy - wanting to please you more than himself, willing to sacrifice to make you happy, into you and your goals, things like that.


The first thing that came to mind was that movie He's Just Not Into You. Like love sick puppies I tell you. There is no denying a young man in love. And they can't wait to tell you, to show you, to bring you home to mom, THEY bring up the future and they want to be with you every spare moment.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

these are all very good pieces of advice. this is difficult for me because i have done many different kinds of dating. i've had boyfriends, flings, gone out with someone once or twice, etc. i was actually in a relationship before this where the person i was dating would shower me with affection, constantly telling me he loved me, was in love with me, etc., did everything he could to make my life easier, non-stop. then he broke up with me out of the blue and said we weren't right for eachother. it took me more than a year to get myself back on track after that breakup because i thought i wouldn't be able to trust anyone again. then i met this guy, who was great but just generally has difficulty communicating, and thought i could "feel" that he was in love with me and that he wasn't saying it because he had communication problems. i know it sounds stupid now, but other than him telling me how he felt, i THOUGHT all his actions showed me that he loved me. but clearly i don't know how to tell when a guy is really in love with me or not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> The first thing that came to mind was that movie He's Just Not Into You. Like love sick puppies I tell you. There is no denying a young man in love. And they can't wait to tell you, to show you, to bring you home to mom, THEY bring up the future and they want to be with you every spare moment.


:iagree: You can definitely tell when someone is in love. The fact the OP says sh ewanted to believe it was true and he never told her how he felt says it all. He wasn't that into you and honestly, it sounds like he never was from the get-go. Next time, axe it before you waste too much time. I think a woman can always tell when her feelings aren't being reciprocated. (Men, too).


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

jules0713 said:


> i was actually in a relationship before this where the person i was dating would shower me with affection, constantly telling me he loved me, was in love with me, etc., did everything he could to make my life easier, non-stop. then he broke up with me out of the blue and said we weren't right for eachother.


Tell me about THIS relationship. What is this "out of the blue?" In my experience rarely are things out of the blue.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jules,

People say anything. If you want to know if you are loved or not, don't listen to the crap some guy says. Watch how he treats you. Does he keep his promises? Does he value your opinions, respect your right to autonomy? Is he more concerned about his feelings and needs than yours? Watch how he treats other significant people in his life, his parents, grandparents, kids (if he has any). Does he treat you differently when things get difficult? Everybody gives us clues about who they really are. Ya gotta look for them and you need to believe them.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Unbelievable has it right, actions speak louder than words. If a man loves you, you will know, without question. When a man gets to that place nobody can shut him up.

All there is to do now is cut your losses & move on. You're young & there are plenty of men who are looking for someone to spend their life with. Take your time so you can see the man you are dating for who he _really_ is, not who he wants you to _think_ he is. Don't listen to what his friends tell you about how he feels about you, "listen" to how he treats you & behaves towards you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

jules0713 said:


> thanks for the honesty. i think it's just ridiculous because i told him at the beginning of our relationship that i was looking for something that had the potential to turn into something more, and he seemed on board with that and stuck around for 9 months.


All guys will say that to get between a woman's legs. Sorry but it's the truth, we'll lie through our teeth to get it as much as we can (not all of us, but the majority, like 99.9%).

That's what dating is for, go out, get to know one another and find out if this is it. Well, he's not the one so it's time to move on to the next potential candidate.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

jules0713 said:


> long story short i've been in a relationship for 9 months with a guy who has never told me how he feels about me. he's 24 and i'm 27. all of his friends have told me that he's never been like this with anyone, has never felt this deeply about anyone before, has matured so much since we've started dating, etc. etc. when i am with him i can tell that he loves me and we have a lot of love for one another, but he's never told me how he feels or that he loves me.
> 
> well, this past weekend i told him that i was upset that he has never told me how he feels, that i'm at the point where i want to be in a relationship that has the potential (no guarantee but potential) to go somewhere, and that without really knowing how he feels i end up feeling insecure.
> 
> ...


Whoa... ok this story hit me close to home. The missus is also 3 yrs older than me! And while we were still dating, I still remember refusing to give her lovey doveys, for example, if she goes "I love you", I go "Awesome! I LOVE ME TOO!" :rofl:

I'm a natural hardass until after passionate love-making anyway - which was the only time I became a big softy, at least until this year. Now, the thing is, some men may just have difficulty expressing themselves, sometimes it can also be past hurts or paranoia. For example - I never wanted to get married myself.

I wanted to settle sure, but not get married with all the vows and what not. To be honest if the baby bells didn't ring I still wouldn't have got married at all (which does make me a bit suspicious... but meh)! Anyways, you may have just hit a sensitive note with him, how long has it been since he left?

And what do you know about his past/family/etc. How does he view marriage? How does he view fatherhood? This is still salvageable because it seems the feelings are still there, but you gotta break through this barrier of his somehow. Talk to him about it, reassure him if he has doubts, but lastly - DONT PUSH IT. Give it time, you may have scared the bejesus outta him.


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