# Dealing with my wife’s lust for ANOTHER man



## Lukeluckless

A few years ago my wife became obsessed with following professional tennis. Her obsession was focused around one particular male tennis star. For whatever reason I remained blind to what was happening until this obsession started to affect our relationship and sex life directly. I finally checked out my wife’s postings on the athlete’s fan website and saw in my wife’s own words how her fanatic devotion was based on her lust for him. I finally confronted her and told her that she must stop following this guy and that we needed to work on our marriage. She responded positively and though our marriage would vastly improve, she told me she needed to wean herself slowly off tennis (though it was clear “tennis” meant this one player). After 3 months I begged her to stop because it was wrong and it was tearing me up inside. She said she would. Several times over the next year she reiterated to me how she was past all “that” and felt completely happy and content with our marriage. A year later I caught her following tennis and she finally admitted that in spite of the fact we had been experiencing more closeness during the past year than we ever had in our whole marriage, she was unable to give this guy up but she was ready to comply with the promise she made to me over a year earlier. Whether she was or wasn’t I had had enough and lost all closeness I ever felt for her- it was such a betrayal- especially after all we experienced together over that year. It felt like a fraud. She broke our marriage because her actions showed that the best our relationship could be was not enough to replace the lustful obsession she had for this other man. She never even apologized since she felt she did what she had to do to get over what she called an “addiction.” Time has not proved to make me feel differently and my wife feels that it’s my problem that I haven’t gotten over it. I would like to hear from other guys how THEY would react if their wives did this, not what they would tell a friend to make him feel better or what advise they would give but how it would have affected them. THANKS


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## bandit.45

You know what your wife is? 

She's one of those pathetic high school girls who want so badly to date the popular boy that they will literally sell themselves body and soul to do it, while ignoring the great guy who wants to date her and treat her like a queen. Ever seen _Sixteen Candles_? 

Brother, you need to start detaching from her...like...immediately. 

Your wife has serious, serious issues. Her entire reality is built on a fantasy. This goes much deeper than just lust. She's completely infatuated with a man who only knows her as a blip on his computer screen...if even that. She is having a one-sided affair with a person who does not really exist except in her mind. 

Obsession is a dangerous thing, and think your wife is a bit unbalanced mentally. If this progresses, think of the other awful things she might be capable of. Have no doubt: if she snuck out and showed up at one of his matches and advertised herself as a tennis groupie, and caught his eye, she would go to bed with him in a heartbeat. Do not doubt it. Women do the same thing with rock musicians. There is no difference. 

You have done what you can do. Time to start protecting yourself and start walking in the direction of your own happiness. People always bag on me because I advocate divorce...which I do not...but they think I do. 

In your case, however, I think filing for divorce, having her served, doing the 180 and showing her that you are beginning to head down an opposite road from her may be the ONLY thing you can do to wake her up from her fantasy world.


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## thatbpguy

I see her as more of someone with an illness. To me, this is plain sick and I think you should take her to a PhD shrink. Not a counselor, mind you, but someone who knows how to treat illnesses of the mind. 

I am also certain that this can be worked through and I suggest not giving up on her. Time for you to step up and get her the help she needs to save herself and your marriage. Don't throw away both your lives.

Do it.

Now.


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## sisters359

I'm having a hard time understanding how your wife's fantasy is in any way damaging to your real life *except* for the fact that you have decided it is.

Many, many people--and I'll talk about women, in this case--get turned on by sensory stimulation in their environment, including seeing someone in pictures who they find, for whatever reason, smokin' hot. If your partner uses this sensory stimulation to improve the relationship between you--as she seems to have done--then how is it different than anything else that makes her turn to you? By channeling her fantasy into her real life relationship with you, she is doing something positive and healthy.

Feeling threatened by her lust for a celebrity is sign of your own insecurity. You need to work on that and quit blaming her for how you feel. You'd be surprised how many men enjoy the way their wives' fantasies improve their sex lives. Embrace the fact that she responds sexually to external stimuli (many women will shut down their sexuality, so be grateful yours hasn't). You don't have to participate in her fantasy or even pay attention to it--just enjoy the way it makes your life better.

If your wife is beyond fantasy in any way--stalking, for example (by trying to develop an actual relationship with her crush, beyond just wanting to meet him--she thinks they are "meant to be together," or she thinks he is somehow contacting her or sending secret messages to her through his photos or interview comments, etc., then yes, you might have a real mental health issue on your hands--and she needs professional intervention. But a simple celebrity crush? So, so common. Only you can tell the difference--the latter makes your life better, the former would probably make your life a living hell b/c she'd be doing things, like spending money to travel where he is, etc. You'd know. Nothing you have written indicates anything to worry about, so I hope that is truly the case.


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## tech-novelist

I'll have to disagree with bandit.45 here. Yes, she is obsessed, but people are obsessed with many things without having that ruin their marriages.

Many women have similar obsessions with a rock star, although usually it is not all-consuming. Would they act on it if she got the chance? Who can be sure that they wouldn't?

So what would I do in your case? My advice is to just treat it like a silly crush and try to get over it. As long as things are otherwise good between you, there are a lot worse problems that you could have.


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## Yeswecan

Your W is nothing short of a stalker. That in itself requires professional help. It is not healthy.


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## RandomDude

Begging? Seriously?

*sigh*


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## happy as a clam

Hmmm... I would agree that it's a silly celebrity crush, except this statement changes my mind:



Lukeluckless said:


> I finally checked out my wife’s postings on the athlete’s fan website and saw in *my wife’s own words how her fanatic devotion was based on her lust for him.*


The fact that she is leaving lustful messages on the guys fan site seems a bit kooky and delusional.

It really depends on the content of the messages to know whether or not OP is overreacting. I mean, if she said, "I think you are handsome young athlete and you inspire me!" that's one thing. OTOH, if she said, "You are a hot young stud and I'd like to DO you on the tennis court!" that's a whole other thing.


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## Yeswecan

happy as a clam said:


> Hmmm... I would agree that it's a silly celebrity crush, except this statement changes my mind:
> 
> 
> 
> The fact that she is leaving lustful messages on the guys fan site seems a bit kooky and delusional.


It is called stalking. :wink2:


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## samyeagar

sisters359 said:


> I'm having a hard time understanding how your wife's fantasy is in any way damaging to your real life *except* for the fact that you have decided it is.
> 
> Many, many people--and I'll talk about women, in this case--get turned on by sensory stimulation in their environment, including seeing someone in pictures who they find, for whatever reason, smokin' hot. If your partner uses this sensory stimulation to improve the relationship between you--as she seems to have done--then how is it different than anything else that makes her turn to you? *By channeling her fantasy into her real life relationship with you, she is doing something positive and healthy.*
> 
> Feeling threatened by her lust for a celebrity is sign of your own insecurity. You need to work on that and quit blaming her for how you feel. You'd be surprised how many men enjoy the way their wives' fantasies improve their sex lives. Embrace the fact that she responds sexually to external stimuli (many women will shut down their sexuality, so be grateful yours hasn't). You don't have to participate in her fantasy or even pay attention to it--just enjoy the way it makes your life better.
> 
> If your wife is beyond fantasy in any way--stalking, for example (by trying to develop an actual relationship with her crush, beyond just wanting to meet him--she thinks they are "meant to be together," or she thinks he is somehow contacting her or sending secret messages to her through his photos or interview comments, etc., then yes, you might have a real mental health issue on your hands--and she needs professional intervention. But a simple celebrity crush? So, so common. Only you can tell the difference--the latter makes your life better, the former would probably make your life a living hell b/c she'd be doing things, like spending money to travel where he is, etc. You'd know. Nothing you have written indicates anything to worry about, so I hope that is truly the case.


And that reasoning right there is precisely why so many women feel like nothing more than a hole, a living sex toy, a human masturbation device, dehumanized.

I understand that some people are seemingly ok with the old adage that it doesn't matter where they get their appetite, so long as they eat at home. I for one, and I suspect many others, reject that notion.


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## Yeswecan

samyeagar said:


> I understand that some people are seemingly ok with the old adage that it doesn't matter where they get their appetite, so long as they eat at home. I for one, and I suspect many others, reject that notion.


I'm with ya! :wink2:


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## sisters359

Channeling my fantasies never made me feel like a "hole." And if a woman is threatened by her man's fantasies, that is her problem.

Women feel like "holes" when men ignore them except for sex. Healthy sexual fantasies have nothing to do with it.


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## happy as a clam

samyeagar said:


> I understand that some people are seemingly ok with the old adage that it doesn't matter where they get their appetite, so long as they eat at home. I for one, and I suspect many others, reject that notion.


Gotta agree here.

I can honestly say, if my SO was lusting over a hot chick celebrity, writing her messages and constantly checking her fan site, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be a couple anymore.

I don't need to be made to feel like chopped liver while he's obsessing over filet mignon!


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## happy as a clam

sisters359 said:


> Channeling my fantasies never made me feel like a "hole." And if a woman is threatened by her man's fantasies, that is her problem.
> 
> Women feel like "holes" when men ignore them except for sex. Healthy sexual fantasies have nothing to do with it.


Fantasy is one thing. Obsessing over ONE individual is entirely different, IMHO.


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## snerg

samyeagar said:


> I understand that some people are seemingly ok with the old adage that it doesn't matter where they get their appetite, so long as they eat at home. I for one, and I suspect many others, reject that notion.


True.

Lust in the mind and lust in the heart for someone else does not make a happy relationship.


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## sisters359

:smile2:


happy as a clam said:


> Fantasy is one thing. Obsessing over ONE individual is entirely different, IMHO.


But that's just your opinion--and there are lots of people out there with a different opinion, as any basic research can show you.

Over-reacting to a crush suggests insecurity. Nothing the OP said makes me think his wife has anything but a crush. So what if she posted sexually-laces fan messages--the internet is full of that crap, and it is anonymous and meaningless absent any evidence of actual "stalking." Obsessively following a celebrity crush online isn't stalking, nor is it even likely to be a precursor to stalking (yes, most stalkers with follow, but most followers won't stalk).

Those of you who feel threatened by this need to look at the actual evidence. The one thing that I don't like is she lied to him rather than standing up to him and telling him he was showing his own insecurities. She should have stood up for herself and pointed out how FOR A YEAR or more, her crush has co-existed with a vastly improved relationship.


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## EleGirl

Have you considered the two of you going to marriage counseling to get a professionals perspective.

Since this is a fantasy. I would not call it stalking because she has not personalized it to the point of contacting him in real life and done things like contact him in real life and stalked him there.

I'm having a hard time seeing the difference between her fantasy with this guy and the pretty normal use of porn hat most guys are into. Except that porn is a direct sexual stimulation. 

How many hours a week does your wife spend following tennis and this guy?


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## Morcoll

Ummmm....your wife is at best extremely immature, however your reaction to it is very needy. 

Do not beg, plead, grovel, etc. 

Work on yourself, FOR yourself, and frankly I agree w/ the advise to detach, and to take a step further, be prepared to walk away. yes this is a celebrity crush and there is not a chance it will ever become an affair, but you are disrespected. 

You have tried talking about it. Where did that get you? 

Time to take action and keep your mouth shut.


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## samyeagar

EleGirl said:


> Have you considered the two of you going to marriage counseling to get a professionals perspective.
> 
> Since this is a fantasy. I would not call it stalking because she has not personalized it to the point of contacting him in real life and done things like contact him in real life and stalked him there.
> 
> *I'm having a hard time seeing the difference between her fantasy with this guy and the pretty normal use of porn hat most guys are into*. Except that porn is a direct sexual stimulation.
> 
> How many hours a week does your wife spend following tennis and this guy?


Except that many women who are ok with occasional porn use do start to draw the line with other behaviors, and would start to be less ok if the porn use was focused on one particular actress, their husbands going online and sexually discussing that particular actress, publicly proclaiming their lust for the actress...


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## twocents

Tell your wife you need to clear your head and re-evaluate the relationship. She has no respect for you, you need to get it back. Move out and stay with the friend for the weekend. See how she reacts. Monitor everything she is doing, she cannot be trusted.


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## samyeagar

Lukeluckless said:


> A few years ago my wife became obsessed with following professional tennis. Her obsession was focused around one particular male tennis star. For whatever reason I remained blind to what was happening until *this obsession started to affect our relationship and sex life directly*. I finally checked out my wife’s postings on the athlete’s fan website and saw in my wife’s own words how *her fanatic devotion was based on her lust for him*. I finally confronted her and told her that she must stop following this guy and that we needed to work on our marriage. She responded positively and though our marriage would vastly improve, she told me she needed to wean herself slowly off tennis (though it was clear “tennis” meant this one player). After 3 months I begged her to stop because it was wrong and it was tearing me up inside. She said she would. Several times over the next year she reiterated to me how she was past all “that” and felt completely happy and content with our marriage. A year later I caught her following tennis and she finally admitted that in spite of the fact we had been experiencing more closeness during the past year than we ever had in our whole marriage, she was unable to give this guy up but she was ready to comply with the promise she made to me over a year earlier. Whether she was or wasn’t I had had enough and lost all closeness I ever felt for her- it was such a betrayal- especially after all we experienced together over that year. It felt like a fraud. She broke our marriage because her actions showed that the best our relationship could be was not enough to replace the lustful obsession she had for this other man. She never even apologized since she felt she did what she had to do to get over what she called an “addiction.” Time has not proved to make me feel differently and my wife feels that it’s my problem that I haven’t gotten over it. I would like to hear from other guys how THEY would react if their wives did this, not what they would tell a friend to make him feel better or what advise they would give but how it would have affected them. THANKS





EleGirl said:


> Have you considered the two of you going to marriage counseling to get a professionals perspective.
> 
> Since this is a fantasy. I would not call it stalking because she has not personalized it to the point of contacting him in real life and done things like contact him in real life and stalked him there.
> 
> *I'm having a hard time seeing the difference between her fantasy with this guy and the pretty normal use of porn hat most guys are into.* Except that porn is a direct sexual stimulation.
> 
> How many hours a week does your wife spend following tennis and this guy?


Again, I suspect most women who are ok with porn would NOT be ok with this...


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## bandit.45

What it comes down to is respect. This woman is not an automaton. If she cannot curb her fvcking impulses enough to show her husband the respect he is warranted, and figure out a way to channel her sexual lust and thoughts towards him, then the relationship is doomed. 

I'm not saying they cannot work this out and be a healthy couple again, but if she continues on with a behavior that clearly makes him uncomfortable, then it shows a blatant disregard for his feelings. I don't see him as being needy or insecure. I see him as being honest. Seeing his wife lust after another man is hurtful to him, and if she cannot give him some consideration, he has every right to decide that she is no longer a viable mate or compatible as a wife. He has every right to let her go and find himself a mature woman who acts like a fvcking adult.


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## twocents

This is not about watching porn or obsessions. The husband asks his wife to stop what he views as inappropriate behavior. She agrees to stop it but instead goes underground. This is plain and simple trust issue and lying. This behavior needs to be crushed. It has no place in any relationship.


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## EleGirl

samyeagar said:


> Except that many women who are ok with occasional porn use do start to draw the line with other behaviors, and would start to be less ok if the porn use was focused on one particular actress, their husbands going online and sexually discussing that particular actress, publicly proclaiming their lust for the actress...


I agree that if it focused on one person it's more of a concern. But with porn there is sexual activity involved whether it's a lot of porn stars or just one.


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## EleGirl

twocents said:


> This is not about watching porn or obsessions. The husband asks his wife to stop what he views as inappropriate behavior. She agrees to stop it but instead goes underground. This is plain and simple trust issue and lying. This behavior needs to be crushed. It has no place in any relationship.


Women ask their husbands to stop what they consider inappropriate use of porn all the time. And the husband lie and do it behind their backs. 

Like you say, it's a trust issue. She should have just told her husband that she had no intent on stopping it. Then they could have dealt with it.

And no, the op cannot 'crush' anything his wife does. Either does agrees and does what she agrees to do or he has the choice to leave.

It is not his place to control her and crush things she does. And yes I'd tell a woman the exact same thing.


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## Yeswecan

sisters359 said:


> :smile2:
> 
> But that's just your opinion--and there are lots of people out there with a different opinion, as any basic research can show you.
> 
> Over-reacting to a crush suggests insecurity. Nothing the OP said makes me think his wife has anything but a crush. So what if she posted sexually-laces fan messages--the internet is full of that crap, and it is anonymous and meaningless absent any evidence of actual "stalking." Obsessively following a celebrity crush online isn't stalking, nor is it even likely to be a precursor to stalking (yes, most stalkers with follow, but most followers won't stalk).
> 
> Those of you who feel threatened by this need to look at the actual evidence. The one thing that I don't like is she lied to him rather than standing up to him and telling him he was showing his own insecurities. *She should have stood up for herself and pointed out how FOR A YEAR or more, her crush has co-existed with a vastly improved relationship.*


So by your logic here me stalking Miley Cyrus and crushing like a wrecking ball will vastly improve my relationship. 

Got it.


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## twocents

EleGirl said:


> Women ask their husbands to stop what they consider inappropriate use of porn all the time. And the husband lie and do it behind their backs.
> 
> Like you say, it's a trust issue. She should have just told her husband that she had no intent on stopping it. Then they could have dealt with it.
> 
> And no, the op cannot 'crush' anything his wife does. Either does agrees and does what she agrees to do or he has the choice to leave.
> 
> *It is not his place to control her and crush things she does. And yes I'd tell a woman the exact same thing*.


I respectfully disagree. Actually it is his place, they are married. Marriage is a partnership, she really needs to respect his wishes and concerns. 

Men are just as guilty watching porn. If the wife ask the husband to stop watching port he needs to stop. 
There is only one way to deal with bad behavior and it is from the position of strength. It is really my(his) way or the highway. 

Lets just play this out, if she is comfortable with this behavior, she will develop other crushes and he will be posting in the infidelity forum instead. What if something bad happens to the stalkee, who do you think will show up at the front door?


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## Married but Happy

To me, her "crush" is similar to excessive use of porn. I would bet that she masturbates to thoughts of this tennis player as well, in which case this is identical to excessive use of porn. In both cases, there is an impact on the relationship. Even though there was supposedly an improvement in the relationship once she started hiding and lying about her obsession, the relationship could probably be even better without this obsession.


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## SimplyAmorous

My 1st thought is ...her fantasy is a form of *Escapism*.. something is missing in the relationship for her to be excessively lusting over this tennis player...

I only seen a name mentioned by Intheory...is this who it is?.. Roger Federer...I looked him up...just not familiar with any tennis players....







...

I think all of us can be swooned by someone famous we see as HOT, or a personality we gravitate to... then we'd want to see all their movies, or if they come to town, go to their concerts.. ...this in itself... I don't feel is a huge deal...but it should never dominate our thoughts, come into play comparing our spouses....if it gets to the point of her spending hours stalking his website, fan club, whatever..... masturbating to him.. I mean.. this is an OBSESSION... it's very unhealthy.. she needs snapped out of dream land.. or something....certain centers of her brain are being LIT up on this fantasy.. how to tone it down... is the question.. 

How long has it been going on?? Has she had OTHER OBSESSIVE CRUSHES in the past?

I guess she has this >>  Celebrity Worship Syndrome ...Celebrity worship syndrome is an obsessive-addictive disorder in which a person becomes overly involved with the details of a celebrity's personal life. Psychologists have indicated that though many people obsess over glamorous film, television, sport and pop stars, the only common factor between them is that they are all figures in the public eye. The term Celebrity Worship Syndrome is in fact a misnomer.

It speaks of Simple Obsessional, Love Obsessional, Erotomanic is when they are so delusional , they think their obsession is in love with them, Entertainment-social, Intense-personal & Borderline-pathological...



> *MENTAL HEALTH* : Evidence indicates that poor mental health is correlated with celebrity worship. Researchers have examined the relationship between celebrity worship and mental health in United Kingdom adult samples. One study found evidence to suggest that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety.[14]
> 
> Similarly, another study in 2004, found that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness.[15] Both these studies showed no evidence for a significant relationship between either the entertainment-social or the borderline-pathological dimensions of celebrity worship and mental health.
> 
> Another correlated pathology examined the role of celebrity interest in shaping body image cognitions. Among three separate UK samples (adolescents, students and older adults) individuals selected a celebrity of their own sex whose body/figure they liked and admired, and then completed the Celebrity Attitude Scale along with two measures of body image. Significant relationships were found between attitudes toward celebrities and body image among female adolescents only.[16]
> 
> The findings suggested that, in female adolescence, there is an interaction between intense-personal celebrity worship and body image between the ages of 14 and 16, and some tentative evidence suggest that this relationship disappears at the onset of adulthood, which is between the ages of 17 and 20. These results are consistent with the authors who stress the importance of the formation of relationships with media figures, and suggest that relationships with celebrities perceived as having a good body shape may lead to a poor body image in female adolescents.
> 
> Within a clinical context the effect of celebrity might be more extreme, particularly when considering extreme aspects of celebrity worship. Relationships between the three classifications of celebrity worship (entertainment-social, intense-personal and borderline-pathological celebrity worship and obsessiveness), ego-identity, fantasy proneness and dissociation were examined. Two of these variables drew particular attention: fantasy proneness and dissociation.
> 
> Fantasy proneness involves fantasizing for a duration of time, reporting hallucinatory intensities as real, reporting vivid childhood memories, having intense religious and paranormal experiences. Dissociation is the lack of a normal integration of experiences, feelings, and thoughts in everyday consciousness and memory; in addition, it is related to a number of psychiatric problems.[17]


This article on WEB MD speaks of the interest to look up alpha males and females, the ones who are important in the pack," how it's written in our DNA...though its been studied & there is a sliding scale ...to where it tips the scale into *ADDICTION*.. when a crush becomes a central figure in our lives ...

Experts help you understand the good, the bad, and the ugly of being the world's biggest fan -The Science of Hero Worship


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## Morcoll

I don't know man, this thing sounds far beyond a normal crush and sounds like she does not respect her husband, but it sounds like he has also lost his confidence due to it and he needs to go about making himself the best man he can and create attraction. If that doesn't work, soon he will see other women reacting to him and maybe one of them will respect him. 

And she can go on chasing the tennis player. Which is really quite funny; I would laugh in that woman's face, frankly.


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## happy as a clam

I find it intriguing that Lukeluckless hasn't responded yet, not once. Not even on his lunch hour.

Perhaps he is a machine operator and hasn't been able to get to his computer. Or he has been out in the field all day.


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## Pablodiablo

I would just tune in to the tennis channel and play with her while she watched, using it as foreplay. Then I'd put a headband on and serve her some balls!


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## ocotillo

Lukeluckless said:


> I would like to hear from other guys how THEY would react if their wives did this, not what they would tell a friend to make him feel better or what advise they would give but how it would have affected them. THANKS


I understand your angst to a point. There is a difference between an infatuation with a celebrity when it is abstracted as harmless fantasy vs. actively desiring an inappropriate relationship with that celebrity to the point where the only real things holding us back are the improbability of ever meeting them and the unlikelihood of our interest being reciprocated. 

This may not be fair to your wife though. I don't think what she is doing is terribly healthy, but only she knows where she is falling on this spectrum.


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## Shasta

I used to have a crush on anna kournikova.

So I sort of get it.


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## bandit.45

The question is this: 

If a person loves their spouse, why would they deliberately go out of their way to do something that they know makes their spouse uncomfortable or stressed? 

I mean, why do that? What good comes of it? If you think what you are doing is okay and no big deal, but your spouse thinks its a HUGE deal, then you have a problem...a big problem that needs to be done away with, or dealt with, or some kind of accord reached. 

This guy's wife is going on a public forum and writing posts about how hot she thinks this tennis dweeb is and probably a few more scandalous things about what she would like to do with him sexually. This isn't just harmless fantasy...this is acting-out behavior that humiliates her husband, and it is costing her her marriage.


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## bandit.45

Shasta said:


> I used to have a crush on anna kournikova.
> 
> So I sort of get it.


Did you spend hours on a forum writing about how you would like to fvck her, or go down on her for hours, or other naughty tidbits, and do it on a shared computer where your partner could see what you were writing?


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## EleGirl

twocents said:


> I respectfully disagree. Actually it is his place, they are married. Marriage is a partnership, she really needs to respect his wishes and concerns.
> 
> Men are just as guilty watching porn. If the wife ask the husband to stop watching port he needs to stop.
> There is only one way to deal with bad behavior and it is from the position of strength. It is really my(his) way or the highway.
> 
> Lets just play this out, if she is comfortable with this behavior, she will develop other crushes and he will be posting in the infidelity forum instead. What if something bad happens to the stalkee, who do you think will show up at the front door?


I guess I have been very influenced by TAM. Generally on here when a woman complains that her husband is obsessed with porn, lies about it and uses it behind her back.. even when he promised not to.. she is told that it's not her right to control/crush his use of porn. He's a guy and guys have the right to use porn. We have entire threads, many of them, in which women are called to task for this.

Note for clarity: I have no issue with porn use that is reasonable. I also have no problem with infatuation with a celebrity to a point. IN both the question is what is the point.

When we ask a spouse to stop something because it bothers us, if they do not do it, then its time to decide if the activity is enough of a deal breaker that we are wiling to leave the marriage.

After all, what else can he do? That's reality. He has two choices... stay and she will do what she wants (since she will not stop) or he can leave.


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## EleGirl

Lukeluckless,

how many hours a week does your wife spend specifically posting on sites about this guy? 

What things does she say.. please quote as closely as you can remember .


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## samyeagar

EleGirl said:


> I guess I have been very influenced by TAM. *Generally on here when a woman complains that her husband is obsessed with porn, lies about it and uses it behind her back*.. even when he promised not to.. she is told that it's not her right to control/crush his use of porn. He's a guy and guys have the right to use porn. We have entire threads, many of them, in which women are called to task for this.
> 
> Note for clarity: I have no issue with porn use that is reasonable. I also have no problem with infatuation with a celebrity to a point. IN both the question is what is the point.
> 
> When we ask a spouse to stop something because it bothers us, if they do not do it, then its time to decide if the activity is enough of a deal breaker that we are wiling to leave the marriage.
> 
> After all, what else can he do? That's reality. He has two choices... stay and she will do what she wants (since she will not stop) or he can leave.


I don't think this is true at all. When it is limited to just porn use, with no lies or deception, and it is not detracting from the marriage, then some say it's not that big of a deal, but when a woman comes here and presents her husband as lying and hiding it, and it is taking away from their sex life, she is usually validated. Women and men both are told quite frequently to stop the porn use when it becomes obvious that it is causing problems.


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## lifeistooshort

I think the wife is acting nutty but I do wonder how this is that kick different from guys having favorite porn stars, which we're frequently told is no big deal as long as he's not in personal contact. 

OP, you never watch porn or get turned on by other women? 

I do think she's acting a bit stalkerish but I think your reaction is a little over the top.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar

lifeistooshort said:


> I think the wife is acting nutty but I do wonder how this is that kick different from guys having favorite porn stars, which *we're frequently told is no big deal* as long as he's not in personal contact.
> 
> OP, you never watch porn or get turned on by other women?
> 
> I do think she's acting a bit stalkerish but I think your reaction is a little over the top.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's no big deal as long as it is not part of deception or affecting the relationship. Women are frequently validated by women and men alike when deception and negative effects are happening.

His wife is spending time focused on one man in particular who is not her husband, telling the whole world about her lustful feelings for this man who is not her husband, unable to stop herself from fantasizing about this one particular man who is not her husband, is lying about and trying to hide her expressions of lust for this other man who is not her husband...


----------



## bandit.45

lifeistooshort said:


> I think the wife is acting nutty but I do wonder how this is that kick different from guys having favorite porn stars, which we're frequently told is no big deal as long as he's not in personal contact.
> 
> OP, you never watch porn or get turned on by other women?
> 
> I do think she's acting a bit stalkerish but I think your reaction is a little over the top.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not over the top. 

I can say to people that porn star Gianna Michaels is beautiful, which she is, but I don't write at length how much my loins boil when I see her and all the positions I would boff her in and so on and so forth on a public forum. 

It is one thing to _secretly_ fantasize about a certain celebrity, ex partner, porn star or what have you and to imagine having sex with them while simultaneously having sex with your partner... but to go on a website and write all that stuff, when you know that your SO has been there, knows you are posting there, and can see what you are posting? There is a wide gulf of difference. 

You protect the one you love. If the one you love is hurt by you actively going on a website and writing about how much you lust after a celebrity, you stop that activity so that you do not cause your partner any more humiliation. This is pretty elementary stuff.


----------



## Shasta

bandit.45 said:


> Did you spend hours on a forum writing about how you would like to fvck her, or go down on her for hours, or other naughty tidbits, and do it on a shared computer where your partner could see what you were writing?


Can't say I did. Besides even if I was that obsessed over her, I could never go down on a woman for more than say, 20 minutes. Some of us need to breathe.


----------



## bandit.45

Shasta said:


> Can't say I did. Besides even if I was that obsessed over her, I could never go down on a woman for more than say, 20 minutes. Some of us need to breathe.


I have. I couldn't talk for a few days.


----------



## samyeagar

bandit.45 said:


> I have. I couldn't talk for a few days.


I have too, and she was the one who couldn't talk for a few days


----------



## Wolf1974

lifeistooshort said:


> *I think the wife is acting nutty but I do wonder how this is that kick different from guys having favorite porn stars, which we're frequently told is no big deal as long as he's not in personal contact. *
> 
> OP, you never watch porn or get turned on by other women?
> 
> I do think she's acting a bit stalkerish but I think your reaction is a little over the top.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It isn't different and not ok either. 

I am not a jealous person. I look at porn..... my GF looks at porn. We both have actors and actresses we both think are hot. All this is ok. But if she showed this level of obsession with one actor or tennis star I would be out. She would do the same if I was this obsessed with an actress. Neither is ok


----------



## Shasta

bandit.45 said:


> I have. I couldn't talk for a few days.


Hopefully not because you were down there for that entire time.


----------



## bandit.45

samyeagar said:


> I have too, and she was the one who couldn't talk for a few days


You licked her into a speech impediment huh? Doh...duh...duh..ffffbbbb.


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## bandit.45

Shasta said:


> Hopefully not because you were down there for that entire time.


It was epic.


----------



## lifeistooshort

samyeagar said:


> It's no big deal as long as it is not part of deception or affecting the relationship. Women are frequently validated by women and men alike when deception and negative effects are happening.
> 
> His wife is spending time focused on one man in particular who is not her husband, telling the whole world about her lustful feelings for this man who is not her husband, unable to stop herself from fantasizing about this one particular man who is not her husband, is lying about and trying to hide her expressions of lust for this other man who is not her husband...



I agree it's not good for the marriage. I just have a hard time seeing how it's a lot different then men lusting after porn stars and models. We're told that just because he finds fantasy women attractive doesn't me he's not attracted to her, men are visual. 

But I do think leaving blog posts is stupid and childish. He'd fair better if he stopped the begging and pleading and treated her like the whole thing is pathetic. Which it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shasta

bandit.45 said:


> It was epic.


I wonder if you qualify for an entry in the Guinness book of world records.

They sometimes do TV series based on that book. They could do a spot on "the guy who rode a roller coaster for 6 months straight" and then fade out and open up to your bedroom where you're still going strong after a week. Then cut to a commercial or something.


----------



## bandit.45

lifeistooshort said:


> But I do think leaving blog posts is stupid and childish. He'd fair better if he stopped the begging and pleading and treated her like the whole thing is pathetic. Which it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I definitely agree with you here. 

He is going about it all wrong. He needs to show strength and resolve, not whine and beg like a junior schoolboy who just got dumped by his prom date. And that's why I advocate he do the 180 and start moving towards detachment. If he emotionally detaches and becomes more emotionally independent, then he can step back and objectively figure out his best course of action. 

But if I were him, I would tell her that the marriage relationship is on hold until she knocks that sh!t off. No sex, no marital privileges... nothing. If she doesn't cool her jets, then it is time for the next step.


----------



## bandit.45

Shasta said:


> I wonder if you qualify for an entry in the Guinness book of world records.
> 
> They sometimes do TV series based on that book. They could do a spot on "the guy who rode a roller coaster for 6 months straight" and then fade out and open up to your bedroom where you're still going strong after a week. Then cut to a commercial or something.


I'm up for that. But I get to pick the woman.


----------



## samyeagar

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree it's not good for the marriage. I just have a hard time seeing how it's a lot different then men lusting after porn stars and models. We're told that just because he finds fantasy women attractive doesn't me he's not attracted to her, men are visual.
> 
> But I do think leaving blog posts is stupid and childish. He'd fair better if he stopped the begging and pleading and treated her like the whole thing is pathetic. Which it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And everything that has been described about her behaviors...a husband would be called out for his hurtful, disrepectful behavior if it was his wife here having a difficult time coping.


----------



## samyeagar

bandit.45 said:


> You licked her into a speech impediment huh? Doh...duh...duh..ffffbbbb.


More like drove all coherent thought from her mind.


----------



## morituri

Sure there are some TAM male members who will have a male bias towards porn usage and state that their wives concern is not a valid one, and that they should just get over it, but they are not the representative majority of TAM male membership.

Both genders are guilty of double standards. How many times have we read stories where the OP states that his wife is upset that he watches porn but she insists that there is nothing wrong with her spending a night alone with a male friend? Is that representative of all wives? of course not but it does happen in a lot of marriages.

Male porn obsession can and has hurt marriages, there is no denying that, and while the OP's wife may not be engaging in porn, her obsession with this one particular male tennis player has hurt her husband and the marriage. Any spousal behavior that hurts the other spouse is simply unacceptable.


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## lifeistooshort

bandit.45 said:


> I definitely agree with you here.
> 
> He is going about it all wrong. He needs to show strength and resolve, not whine and beg like a junior schoolboy who just got dumped by his prom date. And that's why I advocate he do the 180 and start moving towards detachment. If he emotionally detaches and becomes more emotionally independent, then he can step back and objectively figure out his best course of action.
> 
> But if I were him, I would tell her that the marriage relationship is on hold until she knocks that sh!t off. No sex, no marital privileges... nothing. If she doesn't cool her jets, then it is time for the next step.


Agreed. My personal, similar story is when my hb used to talk about exes all the time in the most innapropriate moments and inappropriate ways was not to beg and cry about how hurt my feelings were. I ripped him a few new ones and told him it looked insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up i was getting him a cookie. And I might have mentioned how big the c0ck on my first was, since we're sharing details. It hasn't happened since.

A little empathy can go a long way. Maybe he should rattle on about a celebrity he'd like to plow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

samyeagar said:


> It's no big deal as long as it is not part of deception or affecting the relationship. Women are frequently validated by women and men alike when deception and negative effects are happening.
> 
> His wife is spending time focused on one man in particular who is not her husband, telling the whole world about her lustful feelings for this man who is not her husband, unable to stop herself from fantasizing about this one particular man who is not her husband, is lying about and trying to hide her expressions of lust for this other man who is not her husband...


I agree that her behavior is over the top. But women are frequently told that porn is no big deal if he's still having sex with her. That's often the litmus test for worthy it's affecting the marriage. We see all the time here where women don't like it and feel threatened by it and she's told that it's normal to view porn.

Sure if he's not having sex with her it's a problem but I don't see where op's wife has cut him off. 

As I said I dont think her behavior is reasonable, I just detect a slight hint of double standard here. But in the end if it bothers him it's a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree that her behavior is over the top. But women are frequently told that porn is no big deal if he's still having sex with her. That's often the litmus test for worthy it's affecting the marriage. We see all the time here where women don't like it and feel threatened by it and she's told that it's normal to view porn.
> 
> *Sure if he's not having sex with her it's a problem but I don't see where op's wife has cut him off. *
> 
> As I said I dont think her behavior is reasonable, I just detect a slight hint of double standard here. But in the end if it bothers him it's a problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Lukeluckless said:


> A few years ago my wife became obsessed with following professional tennis. Her obsession was focused around one particular male tennis star. For whatever reason *I remained blind to what was happening until this obsession started to affect our relationship and sex life directly*. I finally checked out my wife’s postings on the athlete’s fan website and saw in my wife’s own words how her fanatic devotion was based on her lust for him. I finally confronted her and told her that she must stop following this guy and that we needed to work on our marriage. She responded positively and though our marriage would vastly improve, she told me she needed to wean herself slowly off tennis (though it was clear “tennis” meant this one player). After 3 months I begged her to stop because it was wrong and it was tearing me up inside. She said she would. Several times over the next year she reiterated to me how she was past all “that” and felt completely happy and content with our marriage. A year later I caught her following tennis and she finally admitted that in spite of the fact we had been experiencing more closeness during the past year than we ever had in our whole marriage, she was unable to give this guy up but she was ready to comply with the promise she made to me over a year earlier. Whether she was or wasn’t I had had enough and lost all closeness I ever felt for her- it was such a betrayal- especially after all we experienced together over that year. It felt like a fraud. She broke our marriage because her actions showed that the best our relationship could be was not enough to replace the lustful obsession she had for this other man. She never even apologized since she felt she did what she had to do to get over what she called an “addiction.” Time has not proved to make me feel differently and my wife feels that it’s my problem that I haven’t gotten over it. I would like to hear from other guys how THEY would react if their wives did this, not what they would tell a friend to make him feel better or what advise they would give but how it would have affected them. THANKS


He stated in his original post that it was negatively impacting their relationship, and their sex life in particular.

I agree with seeing undertones of double standards in this thread, but probably in the opposite direction from you. Perhaps that's because that tidbit from the OP that I just pointed out has been overlooked through all of this?


----------



## morituri

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe he should rattle on about a celebrity he'd like to plow.


Tit for tat may sound good but it is no guarantee of desired results. Plus it could backfire on him by giving her a justification to continue with her obsession.

Now if the OP chooses to better himself emotionally, physically and start wearing more attractive clothinh, his wife just might stop to take notice and more so if she notices other women paying attention to him. And even if she doesn't, his confidence will get a boost and he just might come to the conclusion that when it comes to women, he can do better than his wife.


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## MarriedDude

Lukeluckless said:


> A few years ago my wife became obsessed with following professional tennis. Her obsession was focused around one particular male tennis star. For whatever reason I remained blind to what was happening until this obsession started to affect our relationship and sex life directly. *I finally checked out my wife’s postings on the athlete’s fan website and saw in my wife’s own words how her fanatic devotion was based on her lust for him. *I finally confronted her and told her that she must stop following this guy and that we needed to work on our marriage. She responded positively and though our marriage would vastly improve, she told me she needed to wean herself slowly off tennis (though it was clear “tennis” meant this one player). After 3 months I begged her to stop because it was wrong and it was tearing me up inside. She said she would. Several times over the next year she reiterated to me how she was past all “that” and felt completely happy and content with our marriage. A year later I caught her following tennis and she finally admitted that in spite of the fact we had been experiencing more closeness during the past year than we ever had in our whole marriage, she was unable to give this guy up but she was ready to comply with the promise she made to me over a year earlier. Whether she was or wasn’t I had had enough and lost all closeness I ever felt for her- it was such a betrayal- especially after all we experienced together over that year. It felt like a fraud. She broke our marriage because her actions showed that the best our relationship could be was not enough to replace the lustful obsession she had for this other man. She never even apologized since she felt she did what she had to do to get over what she called an “addiction.” Time has not proved to make me feel differently and my wife feels that it’s my problem that I haven’t gotten over it. I would like to hear from other guys how THEY would react if their wives did this, not what they would tell a friend to make him feel better or what advise they would give but how it would have affected them. THANKS



Why would you beg her stop? WTH...never beg. For anything. 

And why did you not use this low hanging fruit for what it is? the most excellent fodder for jokes and other awesome teasing???

I would have had so much fun with that.


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## lifeistooshort

samyeagar said:


> He stated in his original post that it was negatively impacting their relationship, and their sex life in particular.
> 
> I agree with seeing undertones of double standards in this thread, but probably in the opposite direction from you. Perhaps that's because that tidbit from the OP that I just pointed out has been overlooked through all of this?


Perhaps it would be helpful to know what he means by sex life is suffering. Is she turning him down in favor of masturbating to this tennis guy? Has she told him she's thinking of said tennis guy while having sex? Or is he the one having issues with sex because he's thinking about this obsession of hers? I think the answer to this question would be good to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

morituri said:


> Tit for tat may sound good but it is no guarantee of desired results. Plus it could backfire on him by giving her a justification to continue with her obsession.
> 
> Now if the OP chooses to better himself emotionally, physically and start wearing more attractive clothinh, his wife just might stop to take notice and more so if she notices other women paying attention to him. And even if she doesn't, his confidence will get a boost and he just might come to the conclusion that when it comes to women, he can do better than his wife.


I don't see it as tit for tat. I see it as empathy.

If your purpose is tit for tat then it's probably not a good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

Yeswecan said:


> So by your logic here me stalking Miley Cyrus and crushing like a wrecking ball will vastly improve my relationship.
> 
> Got it.


Failed reading comprehension, did you? I said precisely the opposite-that having a crush is NOT stalking and there is a vast difference between the two. But if you choose to assume they are one in the same, then logic, evidence, and reason won't make any difference.


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## ConanHub

I agree with posters that think she might be a little mental.

If my wife acted like a retard posting on some guy's page that she wants to bang him, we would be done that moment.

I need an adult to be married to.

Not an out of sorts teen. Embarrassing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan

sisters359 said:


> Failed reading comprehension, did you? I said precisely the opposite-that having a crush is NOT stalking and there is a vast difference between the two. But if you choose to assume they are one in the same, then logic, evidence, and reason won't make any difference.


The OP wife is actively on the tennis players page and engaging every activity and event the player is associated. It's become an obsession and stalking. This is beyond a crush.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

lifeistooshort said *"Maybe he should rattle on about a celebrity he'd like to plow."* and *"I don't see it as tit for tat. I see it as empathy"*

The OP's repeated and unsuccessful pleas for her to stop, have proven that she simply doesn't care how her behavior has and it continues to affect him. She considers this as solely HIS problem. No chance of empathy happening here.

Sadly it MAY take a separation or divorce, initiated by the OP, to finally wake up the wife.


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## bandit.45

Luke must not have liked the conversation. He's gone. 


Celebrity Worship Syndrome. Wasn't the singer Selena murdered by the president of her fan club?


----------



## sisters359

Yeswecan said:


> The OP wife is actively on the tennis players page and engaging every activity and event the player is associated. It's become an obsession and stalking. This is beyond a crush.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's never met the guy and never made any attempt to meet the guy. The only thing that actually bothers the OP is that he knows she finds this other man steamy hot--not anything else. He has no complaints once they agreed to pay more attention to each other. Clearly, the only part of this that is a problem is that he *thinks* of it as a problem. He could have teased her, participated in humorous ways, etc. Nope; he's dug in his heels b/c he thinks the fact she finds another man (probably other men, because she's married, not dead) super hot is a threat to him. 

A man who cannot handle the fact that his wife is a red-bloodied, lusty woman who knows how to channel her fantasy into real-life good, is too insecure to be married. He has a win-win situation, and he will lose her not b/c she finds someone else sexy, but b/c he's trying to shut down her sexuality and control it. She lied b/c she knew he was being insecure--that's wrong. But he was equally wrong in attacking her sexuality as he did, in expecting her to kow-tow to his insecurities.

She's not meeting other men; she's not engaging in real life conversations with this celeb; she's not refusing to have sex with her husband b/c he isn't the celeb; she's not falling in love with this unknown celeb. She's fantasizing about him, his appearance turns her on, and she then turns that into a better relationship with her spouse.

Unless the OP could post real evidence that she has crossed a line (anonymous posting on fan sites is about as harmless as it gets; it's not even flirting b/c there is no real person engaged at the other end) by finding out the guy's address, doing drive bys, trying to arrange private meetups, breaking laws to try to establish a relationship IRL, writing or talking in ways that indicate she truly believes the celeb is equally interested in her--there is no evidence of stalking. Stalking involves a LOT beyond posting on fan sites and obsessively following someone online. Most legal definitions specify that harassment is involved. I'm pretty sure the OP would have pointed out these highly questionable behaviors and I'd have been giving a lot of different responses if he had. He didn't.

Bottom line: anyone who feels threatened by another person's harmless fantasy needs to look inward. There are tons of women who play around like this, "acting like guys" by hooting at hot men in pics, or posting dirty messages--and tons of couples who play around like this. Lots of women like to know who their partner thinks is hot--and lots of women are not the least bit threatened by the fact that their partner likes porn or finds other women attractive. 

Many women are just as lusty as men (and many men are as low-drive as many women). If a man feels threatened by that, he is insecure and will damage the relationship b/c of that insecurity--he will not be able to trust, b/c he'll assume she will be exactly like him: lust = infidelity, sooner or later; the slvt can't be trusted (because, he believes, men can't be trusted to keep their d*ck in their pants, so neither can a woman who demonstrates a "manly" lust.) Here's a news flash: there are many high-drive people who do not commit infidelities, and absent any evidence that this crush is a threat to the celeb, the OP was over-reacting.

This OP's sex life was probably greatly enhanced by his wife's drive, and he's going to go and ruin it. Sad.


----------



## lifeistooshort

bandit.45 said:


> Luke must not have liked the conversation. He's gone.
> 
> 
> Celebrity Worship Syndrome. Wasn't the singer Selena murdered by the president of her fan club?


Well it was fun while it lasted, assuming it's real :wink2:

I think that is true about Selena, though I would speculate that there are many people with some level of obsession directed toward a famous person that don't escalate it beyond acting like a 14 year old. Though I have a 14 year old son and I wouldn't expect nuttiness like this out of him.


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## morituri

OP, come back please, we need you to the rattle the cage once more with new info.


----------



## ConanHub

sisters. There is a difference between finding someone hot and letting them know over a web page or otherwise that you want to fvck them and that is the only reason you follow them.

I'm so confident it is scary, but I wouldn't put up with such idiotic behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359

ConanHub said:


> sisters. There is a difference between finding someone hot and letting them know over a web page or otherwise that you want to fvck them and that is the only reason you follow them.
> 
> I'm so confident it is scary, but I wouldn't put up with such idiotic behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You meant, "not scary," right?

Idiotic, I totally agree. But that is a different issue. 

Ruining a marriage over it as some supposed "threat" or "disrespect" is also idiotic, IMHO.

Ruining a marriage b/c you realize your spouse is a complete moron or an immature brat?-hmmm, that's a tough one.


----------



## samyeagar

sisters359 said:


> She's never met the guy and never made any attempt to meet the guy. The only thing that actually bothers the OP is that he knows she finds this other man steamy hot--not anything else. He has no complaints once they agreed to pay more attention to each other. Clearly, the only part of this that is a problem is that he *thinks* of it as a problem. He could have teased her, participated in humorous ways, etc. Nope; he's dug in his heels b/c he thinks the fact she finds another man (probably other men, because she's married, not dead) super hot is a threat to him.
> 
> A man who cannot handle the fact that his wife is a red-bloodied, lusty woman who knows how to channel her fantasy into real-life good, is too insecure to be married. He has a win-win situation, and he will lose her not b/c she finds someone else sexy, but b/c he's trying to shut down her sexuality and control it. She lied b/c she knew he was being insecure--that's wrong. But he was equally wrong in attacking her sexuality as he did, in expecting her to kow-tow to his insecurities.
> 
> She's not meeting other men; she's not engaging in real life conversations with this celeb; she's not refusing to have sex with her husband b/c he isn't the celeb; she's not falling in love with this unknown celeb. She's fantasizing about him, his appearance turns her on, and she then turns that into a better relationship with her spouse.
> 
> Unless the OP could post real evidence that she has crossed a line (anonymous posting on fan sites is about as harmless as it gets; it's not even flirting b/c there is no real person engaged at the other end) by finding out the guy's address, doing drive bys, trying to arrange private meetups, breaking laws to try to establish a relationship IRL, writing or talking in ways that indicate she truly believes the celeb is equally interested in her--there is no evidence of stalking. Stalking involves a LOT beyond posting on fan sites and obsessively following someone online. Most legal definitions specify that harassment is involved. I'm pretty sure the OP would have pointed out these highly questionable behaviors and I'd have been giving a lot of different responses if he had. He didn't.
> 
> Bottom line: anyone who feels threatened by another person's harmless fantasy needs to look inward. There are tons of women who play around like this, "acting like guys" by hooting at hot men in pics, or posting dirty messages--and tons of couples who play around like this. Lots of women like to know who their partner thinks is hot--and lots of women are not the least bit threatened by the fact that their partner likes porn or finds other women attractive.
> 
> Many women are just as lusty as men (and many men are as low-drive as many women). If a man feels threatened by that, he is insecure and will damage the relationship b/c of that insecurity--he will not be able to trust, b/c he'll assume she will be exactly like him: lust = infidelity, sooner or later; the slvt can't be trusted (because, he believes, men can't be trusted to keep their d*ck in their pants, so neither can a woman who demonstrates a "manly" lust.) Here's a news flash: there are many high-drive people who do not commit infidelities, and absent any evidence that this crush is a threat to the celeb, the OP was over-reacting.
> 
> *This OP's sex life was probably greatly enhanced by his wife's drive, and he's going to go and ruin it*. Sad.


Meh. Everyone's different. I for one expect to be the primary source of my wife's desire and drive, and her primary focus and source of relief. I won't have sex with a woman where I'm not. I also expect those feelings to be reflected by her both publicly and privately.


----------



## morituri

sisters359 said:


> This OP's sex life was probably greatly enhanced by his wife's drive, and he's going to go and ruin it. Sad


Now imagine how much higher the OP's wife sex drive is going to be if she has a chance to bang that male tennis player or his reasonable facsimile. The OP would be so lucky


----------



## Lukeluckless

Thank to everyone for responding. Since so many people ask for more detail, here's some that was left out before for brevity's sake:
My wife and I had had a sexless marriage (and I can confidently state that it was her fault). She refused to acknowledge that there was a problem (but that's for another day...). For two years I watched her obsession with the this tennis player (kudos to the one who guessed it is Roger Federer). I could spend hours describing her adolescent, ridiculous and hurtful behavior but here's few highlights: besides the daily visits to his website where her posting describe how she drools over him and has a hard time deciding which picture of him to choose as her next computer screen wallpaper to drool over (and to think I saw those pictures on her screen- just didn't realize they were chosen for their drool factor!). She went to the US Open replete in a RF cap and Jersey and dodged security to stand in the bushes and take pictures of him when she found him on a practice court. Even though most of the pictures were blurry or over exposed by the sun, she printed out every one she snapped off and put them in a small photo album she kept in her nightstand next to his biography she always kept there. She posted that she felt a little guilty that she was jealous of his girlfriend when they announced they were going to have a baby (meaning she wished she was the one having his baby), etc etc. Our bad sex life got even worse during this time (duh). The worst was when she left me high and dry on the one night we set aside for sex for the 1st time in months because she was up past midnight watching him play a match at the Australian Open (due to the time zone difference). She didn't apologize for forgetting about me or ignoring me. The next week when we had another opportunity to have sex she explained she was tired and going to bed early instead. The next morning I woke to discover she had been up at 5 AM to watch the final of the Australian Open (again the crazy time zone difference). Did she think I was stupid? That I would't figure out WHY she went to bed early! I could go on... This was NOT some innocent celebrity crush. I feel sorry for those who think it's cool to have their wife (or husband) sexually stimulated by someone else as long as it's acted upon at home. Not me. I don't watch porn, not interested. I just want to have a normal, fulfilling and robust relationship with my wife but she has made that impossible.

She had an opportunity to show me that this thing was just something she got caught up in when our marriage was dysfunctional but when we became closer than we've ever been and she reiterated how happy and content she was with our marriage, I end up discovering lies and deceit and manipulation (what a stranger she has become to me). We have kids who I wouldn't hurt for the world and divorce would destroy our family's finances... so I stay but it's a daily struggle to be with someone who I just can't really be with..


----------



## Wolf1974

Lukeluckless said:


> Thank to everyone for responding. Since so many people ask for more detail, here's some that was left out before for brevity's sake:
> My wife and I had had a sexless marriage (and I can confidently state that it was her fault). She refused to acknowledge that there was a problem (but that's for another day...). For two years I watched her obsession with the this tennis player (kudos to the one who guessed it is Roger Federer). I could spend hours describing her adolescent, ridiculous and hurtful behavior but here's few highlights: besides the daily visits to his website where her posting describe how she drools over him and has a hard time deciding which picture of him to choose as her next computer screen wallpaper to drool over (and to think I saw those pictures on her screen- just didn't realize they were chosen for their drool factor!). She went to the US Open replete in a RF cap and Jersey and dodged security to stand in the bushes and take pictures of him when she found him on a practice court. Even though most of the pictures were blurry or over exposed by the sun, she printed out every one she snapped off and put them in a small photo album she kept in her nightstand next to his biography she always kept there. She posted that she felt a little guilty that she was jealous of his girlfriend when they announced they were going to have a baby (meaning she wished she was the one having his baby), etc etc. Our bad sex life got even worse during this time (duh). The worst was when she left me high and dry on the one night we set aside for sex for the 1st time in months because she was up past midnight watching him play a match at the Australian Open (due to the time zone difference). She didn't apologize for forgetting about me or ignoring me. The next week when we had another opportunity to have sex she explained she was tired and going to bed early instead. The next morning I woke to discover she had been up at 5 AM to watch the final of the Australian Open (again the crazy time zone difference). Did she think I was stupid? That I would't figure out WHY she went to bed early! I could go on... This was NOT some innocent celebrity crush. I feel sorry for those who think it's cool to have their wife (or husband) sexually stimulated by someone else as long as it's acted upon at home. Not me. I don't watch porn, not interested. I just want to have a normal, fulfilling and robust relationship with my wife but she has made that impossible.
> 
> She had an opportunity to show me that this thing was just something she got caught up in when our marriage was dysfunctional but when we became closer than we've ever been and she reiterated how happy and content she was with our marriage, I end up discovering lies and deceit and manipulation (what a stranger she has become to me). We have kids who I wouldn't hurt for the world and divorce would destroy our family's finances... so I stay but it's a daily struggle to be with someone who I just can't really be with..


I feel for you sir. I have never seen a level of unhealthy obsession like this first hand but I have to believe it's truely demoralizing. I wish you would reconsider the divorce thing. I Know you say for the the kids but this is a terrible example they are seeing. I kinda wonder if she has some sort of mental illness. In any case I hope you can find peace.


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## morituri

Lukeluckless, if you totally rule out divorce then you are setting yourself up to one day step out of the marriage and have one or more affairs. If this happens, the devastation will be unbearable to your wife, your children and yourself.

Insist that your wife go to counseling and if she refuses, seriously consider filing for divorce. A divorce will allow you to move on with honor and dignity and not in cowardice and shame for bringing untold heartbreak to those closest to you because of an affair.


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## ConanHub

Whackadoo!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

I can see why she feels happy in her marriage. She disrespects you and emotionally neglects you and you stand by and allow it. She's got it made in the shade. 

You are allowing her to do this to you. You are staying with a person who is sick, but worse, has no respect for you whatsoever. 

Try this experiment: without telling her, shut down your internet, cable and cell providers...then stand back and watch what she does. I bet she turns into a fire breathing dragon and tears into you like a tsunami.


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## Kitt

This sounds unhealthy and your wife sounds like an adolescent. It is time for MC. Schedule an appointment and make it a requirement.


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## Lukeluckless

FYI- we've been to counseling. My wife says she's over it. But the damage has already been done. I just don't know how to stay married to someone when I know the name and face of her deepest passion.


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## samyeagar

Lukeluckless said:


> FYI- we've been to counseling. My wife says she's over it. But the damage has already been done. I just don't know how to stay married to someone when I know the name and face of her deepest passion.


One of the uphill battles you are going to face with that is what you saw right here. Because the other man is a celebrity with no chance of your wife hooking up with him, some people are going to look at you as the bad guy, call you shaming names...you already saw it happen right here. Ignore them. What you describe here, other than her clear disassociation from reality, your wife had a deep emotional affair on you, with access being the only thing that kept it from going physical on his side, because I imagine it was plenty physical on her side...just with you as his stand in.


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## snerg

Lukeluckless said:


> FYI- we've been to counseling. My wife says she's over it. But the damage has already been done. I just don't know how to stay married to someone when I know the name and face of her deepest passion.


You don't

You don't always have to skate uphill.

Sometimes in life, it is okay to take the path of least resistance.

Divorce would be a wise consideration here.


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## morituri

Lukeluckless,

Per your new updates:

1. Your wife's actions proved that she was in a multiple years long term, one sided EA (emotional affair), which by her blog admissions, she would have happily escalated it to physical if she had the opportunity to attract the male tennis player.

2. She built a shrine of photos of the male tennis player right in front of your face "small photo album she kept in her nightstand next to his biography she always kept there".

3. Your wife is in counseling but you feel that the damage is done and that is too little too late for you to love her again like before her addiction to the male tennis player.

4. She finally woke up enough to suspect that you had had enough and that may be your were even considering divorcing her. She brought back the sex and the "I've never been happier, I love you" to dissuade you from pursuing divorce.

If you were one of us reading this information. What would you advise the man who went through this situation? Chances are good that you would have pointed out to him that a woman who loves her husband would never have acted in such a cruel, selfish and disrespectful fashion. To insist on counseling and if that wasn't effective, to file for divorce. Of course you would, its what most folks would advise.

Until you look at your situation with a dispassionate eye, you are going to continue being stuck and continue asking for advice you already know yourself but aren't strong enough to take because of fear. Until you are true to yourself and your core beliefs, you will continue to endure the unacceptable.


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## lifeistooshort

Ok, with that clarification I changed my mind. Your wife is a nut, and a nut who's not into you. 

Think carefully about what kind of future you want because you're getting exactly what you're going to get with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lukeluckless

Intheory no need to focus on the picture taking episode- it was a long time ago and there were other fans standing in the bushes (including my son who was with her at the Open). It was that this was very uncharacteristic behavior for her and part of her obsession- along with the photo album and everything else. She got rid of that stuff (with some prompting from me). She doesn't watch tennis anymore and doesn't play it (since I smashed her $200 custom strung racket). She even apologized to me that I she made me so mad I did something like that. She swears she's over it now and has NO interest in tennis anymore except I do know for a fact that isn't true- I just don't know how far it goes...

The damage here is that I was able to deal with this bizarre phase when it appeared that said tennis player was just a substitute for a normal relationship with her husband and that shining a mirror in from of her so she could see her actions, thoughts and words AND fixing our marriage would cause this obsession to wither and vanish. It did not (not even enough to control her actions). She continued her activity until she was ready to stop (if she ever did). And it wasn't our relationship that purged this out of her- she had to find other means (some sort of self therapy, working on appreciating what she has, weening herself off him slowly, etc). All this leaves me feeling pretty secondary- pretty much like a consolation prize. An obligatory relationship she needed work at being satisfied with. Not exactly warm fuzzy feelings to go on in a a marriage with. BTW- every conversation we have about this leaves me feeling worse, she keeps changing stories about this aspect of the thing and that aspect. I'm constantly having to calibrate my thoughts on what happened exactly because the story keeps changing. The certainly don't trust her but that almost doesn't matter I'm not sure i really care what her relationship to this guy is currently- as i said the damage was already done.


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## samyeagar

Lukeluckless said:


> Intheory no need to focus on the picture taking episode- it was a long time ago and there were other fans standing in the bushes (including my son who was with her at the Open). It was that this was very uncharacteristic behavior for her and part of her obsession- along with the photo album and everything else. She got rid of that stuff (with some prompting from me). She doesn't watch tennis anymore and doesn't play it (since I smashed her $200 custom strung racket). She even apologized to me that I she made me so mad I did something like that. She swears she's over it now and has NO interest in tennis anymore except I do know for a fact that isn't true- I just don't know how far it goes...
> 
> The damage here is that I was able to deal with this bizarre phase when it appeared that said tennis player was just a substitute for a normal relationship with her husband and that shining a mirror in from of her so she could see her actions, thoughts and words AND fixing our marriage would cause this obsession to wither and vanish. It did not (not even enough to control her actions). She continued her activity until she was ready to stop (if she ever did). And it wasn't our relationship that purged this out of her- she had to find other means (some sort of self therapy, working on appreciating what she has, weening herself off him slowly, etc). All this leaves me feeling pretty secondary- pretty much like a consolation prize. An obligatory relationship she needed work at being satisfied with. Not exactly warm fuzzy feelings to go on in a a marriage with. BTW- every conversation we have about this leaves me feeling worse, she keeps changing stories about this aspect of the thing and that aspect. I'm constantly having to calibrate my thoughts on what happened exactly because the story keeps changing. The certainly don't trust her but that almost doesn't matter I'm not sure i really care what her relationship to this guy is currently- as i said the damage was already done.


Regardless of what some have said here, tried shaming you for...your wife had an affair, she is following the cheaters script, and what you are feeling is very common for betrayed spouses.


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## samyeagar

I suspect what is making this more difficult for you, making it more confusing is what you have seen here. Many people are of the mindset that celebrity crushes and worship are harmless, that it's cute fun, that everybody does it. People have compartmentalized celebrities and rationalized the behavior as acceptable because there'd be no chance of anything actually happening, that they're safe. I don't subscribe to that. Nobody is safe in the mind. It is no different than if the celeb was the next door neighbor, the bagger at the grocery store, or a coworker.

What makes it even more difficult is the 24/7 news cycle, instant access, information overload, knowing so many details, carefully scripted details, it makes it very easy for some to fall into the fantasy trap of actually knowing these people. What I find particularly sad is that many people know more about the Kardashian's than they do the family living three doors down from them. Pathetic really.


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## always_alone

samyeagar said:


> I suspect what is making this more difficult for you, making it more confusing is what you have seen here. Many people are of the mindset that celebrity crushes and worship are harmless, that it's cute fun, that everybody does it. People have compartmentalized celebrities and rationalized the behavior as acceptable because there'd be no chance of anything actually happening, that they're safe. I don't subscribe to that. Nobody is safe in the mind. It is no different than if the celeb was the next door neighbor, the bagger at the grocery store, or a coworker.
> 
> What makes it even more difficult is the 24/7 news cycle, instant access, information overload, knowing so many details, carefully scripted details, it makes it very easy for some to fall into the fantasy trap of actually knowing these people. What I find particularly sad is that many people know more about the Kardashian's than they do the family living three doors down from them. Pathetic really.


Well, part of that is that the family down the street has the good sense not to air every stupid thought they've ever had on national TV. 

But I totally agree with you that the whole celebrity crush is no different than if it were a colleague or acquaintance. It isn't any "safer".

TBH, though, I'm pretty jaded, and don't expect anything different. The more I hang out here, the more it seems to me that most relationships involve a pretty high degree of wandering eye and wandering thought. I'm impressed by the few that genuinely seem to put their spouse's first and foremost, but they seem the exception, not the rule. Personally, I can barely imagine what it would be like, and suspect that I am not alone in that.


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## samyeagar

always_alone said:


> Well, part of that is that the family down the street has the good sense not to air every stupid thought they've ever had on national TV.
> 
> But I totally agree with you that the whole celebrity crush is no different than if it were a colleague or acquaintance. It isn't any "safer".
> 
> TBH, though, I'm pretty jaded, and don't expect anything different. The more I hang out here, the more it seems to me that most relationships involve a pretty high degree of wandering eye and wandering thought. I'm impressed by the few that genuinely seem to put their spouse's first and foremost, but they seem the exception, not the rule. Personally, I can barely imagine what it would be like, and suspect that I am not alone in that.


When my wife and I were dating, we saw that episode of "Friends" that centered around the celeb freebie list, and she playfully asked who would be on my freebie list...Jill from accounting, that cute little red head I see every day in the break room...I suppose that could have been playing the dread game, but it at least got her thinking about the appropriateness of the question within the scope of a relationship.


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## bandit.45

Women live inside their own heads...that is the truth I have gathered with my life experience. What happens in a woman's mind IS reality to her, regardless of physical reality. This affair was as much a real relationship,with this tennis star as if he had been living next door to her and coming over for nooners every day while OP was at work. 

I totally understand his feelings of being held second rate in her mind.


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## always_alone

samyeagar said:


> When my wife and I were dating, we saw that episode of "Friends" that centered around the celeb freebie list, and she playfully asked who would be on my freebie list...Jill from accounting, that cute little red head I see every day in the break room...I suppose that could have been playing the dread game, but it at least got her thinking about the appropriateness of the question within the scope of a relationship.


It's not really a game if you're serious. Besides, what defines celebrity? I was on tv at one point. Does that count?


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## samyeagar

always_alone said:


> It's not really a game if you're serious. Besides, what defines celebrity? I was on tv at one point. Does that count?


It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt right? There are just some things that I don't make a game of, and suggesting, even jokingly, that I would sleep with someone else is not terribly palatable to me.

As far as what defines a celebrity...that's a good question. My first though is that it is kind of one of those "in the eye of the beholder" type things. I mean, there are local bands that don't play outside of a 50 mile radius, only play covers, never been on the radio, yet still have their groupies...


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## always_alone

bandit.45 said:


> This affair was as much a real relationship,with this tennis star as if he had been living next door to her and coming over for nooners every day while OP was at work.
> 
> I totally understand his feelings of being held second rate in her mind.


I wouldn't go that far. But it certainly sounds like she's infatuated with her fantasy life, to the point where she's willing to sacrifice real life to keep pursuing it.

This is not at all specific to women, BTW. Men are just as capable of getting so wrapped up in fantasy, they lose their grip on reality.


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## always_alone

samyeagar said:


> It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt right? There are just some things that I don't make a game of, and suggesting, even jokingly, that I would sleep with someone else is not terribly palatable to me.
> 
> As far as what defines a celebrity...that's a good question. My first though is that it is kind of one of those "in the eye of the beholder" type things. I mean, there are local bands that don't play outside of a 50 mile radius, only play covers, never been on the radio, yet still have their groupies...


In all fairness, some couples enjoy titillating themselves and each other talking about, fantasizing about, even having sex with others. And if you both want and enjoy it, why not?

But, I think you do have to agree that you're both want it that way, and you're both playing the same game. And in OP's case it sounds decidedly one-sided with him on the losing end.

Personally, I'm more of the mindset that if my SO wants to chase after others, he's welcome to do so, but he shouldn't expect me to be there when he gets back. Even if the odds are relatively high that said person would turn him down flat.


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## bandit.45

always_alone said:


> I wouldn't go that far. But it certainly sounds like she's infatuated with her fantasy life, to the point where she's willing to sacrifice real life to keep pursuing it.
> 
> This is not at all specific to women, BTW. Men are just as capable of getting so wrapped up in fantasy, they lose their grip on reality.


I concede to the second part of your argument. Regardless of sex, these people are scary.


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## Muse1976

This story hits home for me. I will admit to being weak in regards to setting boundaries on this with my wife. And finally after 10 years of humoring this infantile garbage, I laid down the law. Problem is the damage is done. Coupled with a borderline sexless marriage, partially due to BC. You fine folks can think what you want of my post, but this is a very short synopsis. 

OP, 
How much respect have you lost for your wife over this? 
I can tell you in my case it was most of the respect I had for her. Sorry, it a [email protected] sore subject for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Lukeluckless said:


> She went to the US Open replete in a RF cap and Jersey and dodged security to stand in the bushes and take pictures of him when she found him on a practice court.


How did you find out that she did this?


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## Yeswecan

Lukeluckless said:


> She went to the US Open replete in a RF cap and Jersey and dodged security to stand in the bushes and take pictures of him when she found him on a practice court. .


As I stated. Your W is a stalker. She needs to be counselled before the authorities are called for an future bush hiding with a camera.


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## EleGirl

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, with that clarification I changed my mind. Your wife is a nut, and a nut who's not into you.
> 
> Think carefully about what kind of future you want because you're getting exactly what you're going to get with her.


Yep, it seems that he left out some important details. Then included them later. The bit about her sneaking in to see the guy practice should have been the #1 concern. That's crazy behavior... which he apparently did nothing about.


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## Yeswecan

EleGirl said:


> Yep, it seems that he left out some important details. Then included them later. The bit about her sneaking in to see the guy practice should have been the #1 concern. *That's crazy behavior..*. which he apparently did nothing about.


It is also illegal.


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## EleGirl

Yeswecan said:


> It is also illegal.


Yep, If I found out that my spouse that something like that I'd intervine to get him help or leave. Why? Because clearly there is some serious mental health issue to cross the line like that.


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## Lukeluckless

Yes. I've lost most of my respect for her. If one has to set such specific boundaries then there is something profoundly wrong. Can you share your experience?


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## EleGirl

Lukeluckless said:


> Yes. I've lost most of my respect for her. If one has to set such specific boundaries then there is something profoundly wrong. Can you share your experience?


In a marriage, both spouses have to set boundaries of what they will and will not accept.

If your wife stalked him by sneaking in to see the guy, your wife has a serious mental health issue. When your spouse is mentally ill you get them help.

Instead of getting her to a doctor and psychiatrist to find out what's wrong with her, it's all about you.

Has she really stopped this nonsense? or has she taken it underground. 

You need to either help her get help or you need to divorce her. There is no middle ground here. To stay in insanity on your part.


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## EleGirl

What else has she done to stalk him in real life? I'm not talking about posting stuff on an internet fan site. Those things are just nonsense. The celebrity does not read them.


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## samyeagar

EleGirl said:


> Yep, If I found out that my spouse that something like that I'd intervine to get him help or leave. Why? Because clearly there is some serious mental health issue to cross the line like that.


Yes, it's illegal, but...it's also not that uncommon, and the security most likely was aware of what was going on. There are even cases where this over the top behaviour is actively encouraged. She was in a group of others doing the same thing, so there is the rationalization of group absolution. It is extremely immature behaviour that some otherwise mature people never grow out of.


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## Yeswecan

Lukeluckless said:


> Yes. I've lost most of my respect for her. If one has to set such specific boundaries then there is something profoundly wrong. Can you share your experience?


I can share that my W liked a specific baseball player(over 20 years ago). Watched the games. Wanted to get is autograph. Did get said autograph. That was about it. 



> Stalking is a behaviour not a mental disorder. Where mental disorder does play a role in stalking, its contribution varies greatly depending on the nature of the symptoms experienced, the context in which they are experienced, and the role of other personal and environmental factors. Stalkers present with a wide variety of mental disorders, with psychosis often playing a role for those stalkers with Intimacy Seeking or Resentful motivations, while personality disorders, depression and substance misuse are common amongst those with Rejected, Resentful, and Predatory motivations. Stalkers who are classified as Incompetent Suitors (those whose stalking is an inept attempt to get a date) sometimes present with development disorders such as intellectual disability and/or autism spectrum disorders, with the stalking behaviour being a consequence of social skills deficits associated with these disorders. Amongst Predatory stalkers, paraphilias (disorders of sexual attraction) may play a role in motivating the stalking behaviour. In many cases stalkers present with multiple mental disorders, or a primary disorder is accompanied by specific personality traits that are linked to the stalking behaviour but are not sufficient for a diagnosis of personality disorder.


https://www.stalkingriskprofile.com/what-is-stalking/stalking-and-mental-illness


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## EleGirl

Lukeluckless said:


> Intheory no need to focus on the picture taking episode- it was a long time ago and there were other fans standing in the bushes (including my son who was with her at the Open). It was that this was very uncharacteristic behavior for her and part of her obsession- along with the photo album and everything else. She got rid of that stuff (with some prompting from me). She doesn't watch tennis anymore and doesn't play it (since I smashed her $200 custom strung racket). She even apologized to me that I she made me so mad I did something like that. She swears she's over it now and has NO interest in tennis anymore except I do know for a fact that isn't true- I just don't know how far it goes...
> 
> The damage here is that I was able to deal with this bizarre phase when it appeared that said tennis player was just a substitute for a normal relationship with her husband and that shining a mirror in from of her so she could see her actions, thoughts and words AND fixing our marriage would cause this obsession to wit*her and vanish. It did not (not even enough to control her actions). She continued her activity until she was ready to stop (if she ever did). And it wasn't our relationship that purged this out of her- she had to find other means (some sort of self therapy, working on appreciating what she has, weening herself off him slowly, etc).* All this leaves me feeling pretty secondary- pretty much like a consolation prize. An obligatory relationship she needed work at being satisfied with. Not exactly warm fuzzy feelings to go on in a a marriage with. BTW- every conversation we have about this leaves me feeling worse, she keeps changing stories about this aspect of the thing and that aspect. I'm constantly having to calibrate my thoughts on what happened exactly because the story keeps changing. The certainly don't trust her but that almost doesn't matter I'm not sure i really care what her relationship to this guy is currently- as i said the damage was already done.


When a person has an addiction, or an obsession (obsessive compulsive?) they cannot stop it until they hit rock bottom and they want to change. so you are upset with her for doing what is needed to end a serious case of OC behavior. I have no doubt that you reflecting her behavior back on her is a large part of why she did ultimately change.


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## samyeagar

Muse1976 said:


> This story hits home for me. *I will admit to being weak in regards to setting boundaries on this with my wife.* And finally after 10 years of humoring this infantile garbage, I laid down the law. Problem is the damage is done. Coupled with a borderline sexless marriage, partially due to BC. You fine folks can think what you want of my post, but this is a very short synopsis.
> 
> OP,
> How much respect have you lost for your wife over this?
> I can tell you in my case it was most of the respect I had for her. Sorry, it a [email protected] sore subject for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's very easy to become weak in setting boundaries regarding this because it's not a normal situation and has many perceived grey areas. It is far less clear for some than if it was a real person, in real life, where there was real interaction. You have seen how some here have reacted...shaming the OP for suppressing her sexuality, calling him insecure, telling him he shouldn't complain since he is getting more sex...


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## tech-novelist

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, with that clarification I changed my mind. Your wife is a nut, and a nut who's not into you.
> 
> Think carefully about what kind of future you want because you're getting exactly what you're going to get with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With the new information, I have changed my mind as well. Your analysis is spot-on.


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## Muse1976

Lukeluckless said:


> Yes. I've lost most of my respect for her. If one has to set such specific boundaries then there is something profoundly wrong. Can you share your experience?


Warning - long and my story is not a bad as yours. 

Disclaimer: The infatuation/crush/fantasy is intimately tied to many other aspects of the marriage, so in essence, it's just one small aspects to of 17 years of marriage. I also am somewhat leary to mention all this as we are in marriage counseling, but it will come up at some point, so why not now. I'm also somewhat leary as my wife actually knows and has posted at TAM. I used to think of this as my safe place. Lol. 

This all started about 12 years ago. We had our 3rd child and the wife went on depo. A woman with a high drive became no drive. I ended up having a short EA. At the time I denied it as just flirting, but I did accept it as an EA. 

About the same time, Pirates of the Caribbean came out. Of course, I knew she always liked Johnny Depp, so I took it as no big deal. This infatuation culminated in her watching these movies multiple times a day. Now, don't get me wrong, I think the Pirates movies are pretty decent, but damn a weekly marathon is a little much. I don't know if she ever visited his fan site or anything like that, but any news or movie with him in it was devoured. This went on for a few years. I knew that she had not fully forgiven me. I became hyper vigilant. I became conscious of when a female came within in my presence, I found a way to excuse myself. I started a new job that required my to travel. Man, did I catch hell. I was constantly accused of cheating. I was told I had a different woman in every town. Basically, she crucified me every single day. At the time, I couldn't really blame her, because I was crucifing myself everyday as well. This went on for a long time. I just recently forgave myself for it about a year ago. In her defence, I crucified myself longer than she did. 

In year 14 of our marriage I decided to renew our vows. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I never asked her if she wanted to. The reasoning was I was trying to make our marriage better and my wedding ring had broken in half and I wanted us to get new rings. She didn't want new rings because the original ones had been blessed she said. I decided that if that was the case, then I was just set up a vow renewal so the new rings could be blessed. I sent up activities I thought we would both enjoy and I arranged a over night stay at the most exclusive bed and breakfast in Dallas-Fort Worth area. $600 for the works. That was just for the room. The preacher did a private wedding for us in the gazebo next to the small Creek that ran through the property. All in all I thought it went well, so I thought. I even payed for us a commemorative plate with the date on it. This was on Saturday night and she was scheduled to fly home on Sunday afternoon. 

We got up Sunday morning and had time to see a few things before her flight. We went to a wax museum in Arlington that we just happened to see earlier in the week. Most of the wax statues were really well done, and they just happened to have a wax statue of Johnny Depp. I will never for get what she said. "There's my man!" 

I have seen the looks on plenty of women's faces when they are in love and it's unmistakable. I know what I seen. She claims that she said "There's the man" Lol. Regardless, my thoughts are what the fvck am I, chopped liver? This all happened about 4 years ago. Things pretty well stayed the same up until a couple of years ago and we came to an agreement to bury the hatchet so to speak and forget the past. 

Things went really really well from about November 2012 until September of 2013. We got along better than we had in years. It's amazing what getting off of the depo shot and letting past mistakes go, does for a marriage. In September we went to see Black Sabbath in concert. Now, I am a music lover,its how I relax and I soothes my mind. I have had a very very sh1tty childhood, but the one thing I have always had was my music, specifically, Black Sabbath. They are one of the biggest reasons I started playing guitar, and the first several songs I learned to play were all Sabbath. I drove 12 hours home from West Texas and then got up early the next morning to drive us to the concert in Indiana. As we got into Indy, she made the comment to me, "I'm going to get Ozzy to sign my tits!" 

That was the straw that broke the camels back. The thought that went through my mind was, "gee, just what the world needs, another fvcking groupie." That's the day that I lost most of my respect for her. 

I little over a year ago in a fight I told her that the only way we go forward is for you to break every Johnny Depp movie in the house and you also break the plate we got, because as far as I'm concerned the renewal of vows was a Hugh slap in 5he face. It may not make much sense in reading all this, but there is a lot of context that is hard to put into words. I also don't want to write a bigger book than what I have. 

It's been very hard trying to regain my respect for her, it's still very much a work in progress. We are in marriage counseling. We have only had a couple of sessions so far due to my job, but I will schedule one every chance I get. 


I agree with other posters when they say that this sort of thing is just as insidious as porn is,because it's true. Just for reference. When my wife asked my to stop looking at porn I did. It wasn't hard, I really haven't found any arousal out of porn for more than a few years now. Even when I did look at it, it's not like it was a huge problem, hell, it served a purpose, because I am only home about once a month to every 2 months.

I hope that all makes sense.

Just for reference, I always remember her birthdays and anniversary and mothers day and all the other big holidays. Last month on mothers day I made sure to tell the kids just like I always do to tell their mother happy mothers day. We all told her. 
Yesterday, I got squat. I didn't even get an acknowledgment of any kind. Lol. And she wonder why I think she looks the gift horse in the mouth. Lol. This Thursday is our 17th wedding anniversary, I'm willing to bet my paycheck that nothing gets said until I do.

I'm sorry for the book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Muse1976

samyeagar said:


> It's very easy to become weak in setting boundaries regarding this because it's not a normal situation and has many perceived grey areas. It is far less clear for some than if it was a real person, in real life, where there was real interaction. You have seen how some here have reacted...shaming the OP for suppressing her sexuality, calling him insecure, telling him he shouldn't complain since he is getting more sex...


Like X 1000

QFT
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

So Luke....


Watcha gonna do?


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## samyeagar

Muse1976 said:


> Just for reference, I always remember her birthdays and anniversary and mothers day and all the other big holidays. Last month on mothers day I made sure to tell the kids just like I always do to tell their mother happy mothers day. We all told her.
> *Yesterday, I got squat*. I didn't even get an acknowledgment of any kind. Lol. And she wonder why I think she looks the gift horse in the mouth. Lol. This Thursday is our 17th wedding anniversary, I'm willing to bet my paycheck that nothing gets said until I do.
> 
> I'm sorry for the book.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will commiserate more with this later, but...

Father's Day isn't until next Sunday, June 21 in the United States...if that is what you were getting at.


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## Muse1976

samyeagar said:


> I will commiserate more with this later, but...
> 
> Father's Day isn't until next Sunday, June 21 in the United States...if that is what you were getting at.


OK. Wow. I feel like such an ass. I apologize not only to my wife but to everyone in the thread. I have been working about 90 hrs a week the last couple weeks. Days all run together. 

That being said, we will see if the trend continues as it has been going. 

My sincere apologies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Muse1976

Lukeluckless said:


> BTW- every conversation we have about this leaves me feeling worse, she keeps changing stories about this aspect of the thing and that aspect. I'm constantly having to calibrate my thoughts on what happened exactly because the story keeps changing. The certainly don't trust her but that almost doesn't matter I'm not sure i really care what her relationship to this guy is currently- as i said the damage was already done.


Luke, 
Correct me if I am wrong, but everytime she changes her story it's to minimize the situation, and make it seem as if she did nothing wrong? 

IMHO, Sam has been spot on in his assessment of the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida

Your wife may not be aware of this but it is clear she has a childhood trauma or something emotionally absent in her life. I'm not going to guess what it is because it could anything from hear early childhood right up to a few years ago.

It is clear she is fulfilling that need or gap or dealing with a trauma with this emotional obsession. 

Put your foot down. Tell her you are falling out of love with her at the moment. DO THIS to get her attention and to let her know you are SERIOUS. Tell her you want to help her, that what she is doing is a sign of something that needs resolving.

Send her to personal counselling first and put the offer of couples counselling on the table.

See a counsellor yourself and discuss this. Make sure you haven't got your own issues about this subject.

Work at it and you can have a great future.

Let this go on and it is only going to end in tears. 

Do something, if only to know you have done all you can to help.


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## *LittleDeer*

Sounds like she knows what she's doing. Tennis players are hot. 

In all seriousness though... Yeah I got nothing.


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## Marduk

Here's the thing.

Everybody has celebrity crushes. They can be fun, they can be a turn-on, and they can tell you a lot about your partner.

And, they shouldn't cause insecurity. As long as they remain that - a crush.

This isn't that. This is an obsession, an addiction, a hit of heroin for her. A transference of all that she is not getting from her life onto this person she doesn't even know.

And what it really portrays for her is living a fantasy-prone life, poor boundaries, and betrays what is probably a deep-seated insecurity and unhappiness.

What it portrays for you is serious bad news.

What I recommend is MC, which will probably lead to IC for her. 

What I don't recommend is turning a blind eye to it.


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## Lukeluckless

My wife created a whole cult around this guy in our house for two years until I put a stop to it. I knew about the US Open incident because my wife called home right away with the news she and my son saw HIM on the practice court and she excitedly posted a fan report on his website that night- she was excited that she figured out how to upload her pictures with her post. 

A year after it was all supposed to have ended and I discovered she was just underground I stayed in a motel until she went to see a therapist even though she said it was all finished by that point. The therapist didn't get us anywhere as far as answers go nor did couple counseling. As far as our own conversations...she offers very little as far as WHY and has given many inconsistent answers as to what she was doing and when etc. (when you lie you have to have a very good memory or take real good notes!). She has said things she obviously thought would help the situation but usually backfires (I catch nuances and glean information she doesn't realize she's giving). Anyway... as I said, she maintains it's all in the past and has apologized as much as she can considering that she hides behind the "A" word and therefore feels she was not responsible for her actions. Even if I were to forgive her- I'd be forgiving her for destroying our marriage BUT our marriage would still remain destroyed!

Today's is our 22nd anniversary; I gave her a gift but I'm not celebrating...


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## committed_guy

Lukeluckless said:


> I would like to hear from other guys how THEY would react if their wives did this, not what they would tell a friend to make him feel better or what advise they would give but how it would have affected them. THANKS


I caught my wife having an emotional affair and on the brink of a physical affair. She claimed nothing would have happened but she was sending him PG-13 pictures and text messages and scheduled to meet him for drinks. I told her that this is non-negotiable for me that her meeting other men without my knowledge is a violation of our marriage agreement. 

If my wife was communicating with someone she really didn't have a chance to meet then I might not have been too offended by it. Kinda like how she jokes about her boyfriend "Tom Cruise". 

But a guy in our town that she has texted hundreds of times and planning on meeting him in person for the first time is a no-go. 

My advice: keep everything you can as permanent evidence for a possible divorce case. If you can prove with evidence that your wife was cheating on you then the outcome will be very favorable for you.


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## samyeagar

committed_guy said:


> I caught my wife having an emotional affair and on the brink of a physical affair. She claimed nothing would have happened but she was sending him PG-13 pictures and text messages and scheduled to meet him for drinks. I told her that this is non-negotiable for me that her meeting other men without my knowledge is a violation of our marriage agreement.
> 
> *If my wife was communicating with someone she really didn't have a chance to meet then I might not have been too offended by it. Kinda like how she jokes about her boyfriend "Tom Cruise". *
> 
> But a guy in our town that she has texted hundreds of times and planning on meeting him in person for the first time is a no-go.
> 
> My advice: keep everything you can as permanent evidence for a possible divorce case. If you can prove with evidence that your wife was cheating on you then the outcome will be very favorable for you.


And see, this is where I diverge. I don't compartmentalize people like that along fame and proximity lines. To me, another person is another person, and I expect to be the focus of my partner in thought, word, and action.


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## morituri

Your last update does not sound very promising. Do you believe that you can stay married without losing your soul?


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## maritalloneliness

I really don't understand what's the big deal. Is it because her infatuation with his celebrity is taking time away time with him? What is most disturbing about this marital relationship is lack of trust and respect. Has the husband actually talked to the wife about what she finds so intriguing about this tennis player. I also think it is also good PR, the guy could be a real jerk in real life. She might be idolized an idiot. Has the wife discussed why he feels threatened by someone who exists in his wife's head? Yes, the wife is being disrespectful by flaunting her desire for this guy in front of her husband. However, the husband can't force his wife to stop this stupid infatuation. Yes, she was wrong to tell her husband she had stopped when she had no desire to do so. People have the capacity to enjoy various relationship and this infatuation can't even be classified as a relationship since it's not based in reality but in the imagination. I'd be more worried if she was actually fvcking a real person. Being married for long periods of time, we have to choose your battles and get some perspective.


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## phillybeffandswiss

maritalloneliness said:


> I really don't understand what's the big deal. I really don't understand what's the big deal. Is it because her infatuation with his celebrity is taking time away time with him? What is most disturbing about this marital relationship is lack of trust and respect. Has the husband actually talked to the wife about what she finds so intriguing about this tennis player. I also think it is also good PR, the guy could be a real jerk in real life. She might be idolized an idiot. Has the wife discussed why he feels threatened by someone who exists in his wife's head? Yes, the wife is being disrespectful by flaunting her desire for this guy in front of her husband. However, the husband can't force his wife to stop this stupid infatuation. Yes, she was wrong to tell her husband she had stopped when she had no desire to do so. People have the capacity to enjoy various relationship and this infatuation can't even be classified as a relationship since it's not based in reality but in the imagination. I'd be more worried if she was actually fvcking a real person. Being married for long periods of time, we have to choose your battles and get some perspective.


He's been in a sexless marriage for 2 years because of this obsession.


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## maritalloneliness

phillybeffandswiss said:


> He's been in a sexless marriage for 2 years because of this obsession.


Then her behavior is adolescent in nature. She has a real life husband who wants her attention and she has chosen to live in lala land. Maybe he should leave and let her see what her life would be without him.


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