# tired of trying



## tired45 (Feb 2, 2012)

i find myself writing this today in a state of sadness and grave depravity. I have been married for about 8 years, together for almost 10. My husband and I are not getting along and have tried counseling, a few times actually. I feel really angry inside, I have been through my husband being unfaithful at least twice. He tells me he loves me and wants to work on things, but then when we disagree, he almost all the time never wrong (so annoying). He also will have drinks with friends and on his own periodicially. There have been times where he could not drive home. There are so many things that irritate, but what I have listed above has hurt the most, and I cant seem to "get over". I expect a lot more from someone, and in general, I do not feel supported or really loved. We get in arguements and there are very terrible things said to one another. I feel that I am just shutting down, deep down inside i know that we love each other (its crazy i know), but I question if there is hope to get back to what we once had, a healthy loving relationship. I am christian, I pray, but I also believe that God wants us to do our part. can anyone relate to this. I feel so alone, and cant bear to talk to friends and family right now.

thx for the support.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Ok, when your husband cheated how was it handled? Did you ask for a divorce, seperation what happened?

Second, the drinking. Could you define him as an alcoholic? If he is you have several problems you will have to deal with.

Third, when you get into arguments, what are the terrible things that are said and is there alcohol involved.


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## tired45 (Feb 2, 2012)

1) we went to counseling after the cheating. it took me two years to find out that it happened. we talked about it, he promised me it would never happen again, about 6 years later, he told me that he met someone and kissed them, nothing further. the earlier infidelity was a one night stand. and, yes drinking was involved with twice.

2) i would say he is a binge drinker. he drinks 1-2 with me or occasionally, then he will go off and binge drink with friends and a family member who is a full fledged alcoholic. 
there have a been a few times where he had to stay at this family members house. its awful being on teh recieving end of this for sure. he blames me and says if i was nicer adn didnt argue with him put him down, then this would not of happened.

3) we have both said terrible things. like, name calling, and things that would hurt the other person, using there past against them, etc. sometimes he has been drinkingk other times not, i dont drink much at all. maybe 1-2 times a month one drink if that.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this.

From what you posted, it sounds like you have failed to set the proper boundaries in your marriage.

Drinking with you and then going off to friends or family for further drinking is not normal in a healthy marriage.

Staying over at someone else's place due to drinking is not a good thing. It can happen once or twice in a long-term marriage, but even then, it's not really excusable. 

Cheating twice in a marriage is not something that everyone can overcome. I don't think you're completely over it. If it resurfaces during fights, then there's definitely unresolved resentments.

Your marriage needs a lot of work and therapy. Are you willing to go through it? Is your husband? 

I'm very pro-marriage, and don't think anyone can tell you what the "right" thing for you to do is (people are very different), but you need to make your husband understand what's going on in your head. I'm sure he has his own story as well. If a separation is what will make you both miss each other to the point of wanting to resolve issues, then start getting prepared. If you can live with the way things are going, then just vent here and let your conversations with your husband remain free of pollution.


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## tired45 (Feb 2, 2012)

Synthetic,

I agree with you about the boundaries. I tried setting them the first year of our marriage, I told him I would never accept my spouse not coming home, etc. due to drinking anything. My husband travels, adn therefore is away sometimes 2-4 day trips for his work. I used to travel as well, but am no longer in a travelling position. Everything I have described has happened during our marriage when we were both home. I have talked nicely to him, yelled at him (doesnt work), we went to a counselor together to set up boundaries. After three years of this, the counselor told me that he is a binge drinker. He can go for awhile and not drink, like months for instance, or weeks etc. with no problems, then he will binge, and should not drive He didnt want to pay for a cab because of the expense, and frankly he stays with his Dad and stepmom. This has happened about 25 times in the last 7 years. I know, i am an idiot. The problem is I still love my husband, and I know he loves me. I love other aspects of our relationship, but this is a deal breaker for me. He has told me that he needs to control his drinking and has been successful at times. It;s just last night, he did that again, and I locked the door, adn told him to sleep in the car. He kept texting me, drove all the way to his uncles house an hour away instead of spending the $$ on a hotel. He wants to talk with me about it, and says I was being rude to him after our date, 'I dont think i was, we were having a discussion that we didnt agree on, and he hurt my feelings. He told me that he did want to escalate with me, and he opted to get out of the car. I pulled into the parking lot to get him, and he got back in the car, but then decided because i talked again to get out. That was it for me, I left him there. if he wants to act that way, then he is a grown man, let him find his own way home. I am tired of the games, and its time to grow up.

I was at home, he tried to call me twice after a couple of hours. He waited a couple of hours before he called for a ride, then he had a friend pick him up, then they went out. then he tried getting in teh house at 3;30 am. I told him no way, locked the doors, etc. It was an ugly situation. I locked the windows, and I told him that he needed to sleep in his car, adn he can get his things in teh morning. i was just so mad from teh entire day, this s teh first time I stood up to him so fiercely. It's alos the first time he wouldnt get ina car with me. I feel like giving up, Right now i am jobless, and he has a good job. its just really, realy hard to leave. i tried to twice in teh past, and i couldn't do it, i even prayed, adn i did not have peace from God. This is making me question my relationship with God too. Why would he give me such a tough situation? I wish I could find a good answer on that one too. 

I guess I have tried teh boundaries, and have failed. What do you suggest? If I give him an ultimatem, there is a good chance we are completely over. he will do the opposite, does not work with him at all. But, I can try agin. i will be thinking about that tonight, I am going to ask him to stay at his uncles for awhile. I am not ready to live under the same roof anymore. he needs to respect me, life, himself, and this household, and appreciate it. I am not giving in on this one anymore. I just have to figure out what I can and cannot tolerate anymore.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You have no right to keep your husband out of his own home no matter what he has done. It's his place of residence and he as an individual has the right to enter and exit anytime he wants. Whether you want to stay married to him is another story.

You're not his mother. You can't punish him. You have created a terrible situation here.

You haven't tried boundaries. You have tried to punish your husband for things that bothered you. Toss all your "trying" out the window. You two need a fresh start if this marriage is to last.

At this point I think it's either separation or marriage counseling. Tell him to pick one. You should too.


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