# Complications in the land of chaos



## LuckyLizard (Nov 2, 2012)

Ok humor me I'm not to familiar with this concept of outside help. That and I've deleted a bunch of stuff so this is the re-write to sum up the issue.

My husband and I have been married... 5 or 6 yrs. I don't remmeber (nor does he but we agree its 5 or 6). We have one child, 3 yr old. We've had our issues, and have pointed them out to the point they are pointed out in neon lights. We know the problems. >.> ....... mainly his issues. I have my fair share but half to almost the majority of the fights are because of his issues. 

Let me explain: He is jealous. He has jealousy issues, but not with just guys. EVERYONE. I call one of my female friends, like my best friend. We have been nothing but best frineds for over 15 years. She is a permanent fixture in my life, he knows this but gets jealous. I have guy friends, not a big deal, there is NO attraction between us. He gets jealous. I call CALL someone... JEALOUS. Sometimes its to the point where he acts like a major pain and starts an argument just to start one because I like talking to someone! He even gets to the point of looking through my personal messages. There is NOTHING there but the usual banter between two friends. 

I am frankly sick of it and he knows it all too well. I personally don't care who he talks to. I don't care who sends him texts, yadda yadda yadda. I very honestly don't care! And I tell him this I don't care, if I ask it's because I'm nosy/bored. He could lie to me and I'd never know. I don't get why I can't have the same?! I can understand a bit of it stems from his ex-wife who cheated on him. But as HE cleary points out I'm NOT her and HE knows this, still does this to me.

Another issue. Decision making.... fun fun. Because growing up with a dad who easily and quickly labeled everyone but himself wrong, hubby does NOT want to go through that again so he doesn't. By having this mindset all of my opinions when it comes to MAJOR decisions fall on deaf ears. I am not right he is. He knows best. Yea uh-huh ok honey..... Then so whatever he already made his mind up to do. Which put frankly backfires 9 out of 10 times, because he can't bloody listen to me. I'm not yelling at him, just asking. Yet he fades back to when his dad would put him down and all and so he sees me doing the exact samething. This issue has cost us dearly, and to the point where you can literally say we are screwed. House, car, just in general.

Now this one I wouldn't say it's an issue, it's just somehting thaty drives me bonkers. I am not a very 'lets cuddle' person. I did not grow up in a very touchy feely family. My family life is chaotic is the best way I can describe it, and its just sad. He on the other hand is a romantic, wants to surprise me with gifts or dinner, or whatever, cuddle up and just snuggle for hours..... ew. >.>
I am not a romantic. I don't do surprises, I like to cuddle sometimes but not for long. He knew this before and he was fine with it. I have comprimised for him on this. To become more cuddly for him I just scream inside because the constant touching is .... If you don't have a problem with it you will never truly understand the feeling. 

There are other quirks that we have issues with but are in the process of being worked upon as to everything else. I have tried! Like really tried. I have held this haphazard relationship for these few years. He once suggested marriage counseling I said I'd go and for him to set it up because I wasn't (was during his phase of you need to do everything because I'm to full on myself to lift a finger to help). And after him bringing it up a few more times even after his phase he still never made one. So it's been mainly me at my wits end on how to make things work. 

It finally sunk in that things needed to change because I finally stated I was done, that I want out. I told him 2 1/2 years ago that I would give him 3 years to get his crap together or I would be out of this marriage. 3 years is fair in my book. I have changed the best I can and he hadn't budged. I am scarcastic, blunt, goth, punk, artistic, into many hobbies, I drink once in full blue moon, I quit smoking, yea I gained weight when pregnant and still aftwards as I sunk into post-pard. depression. I am many things, but I am honest, I expect little, I don't have delusions of grandure, I have common sense and use it. Hell I am the golden ticket when it comes to everything he could have on his "what I want in a girl list". He's a nerd, D&D, tabletop, LARP, MMO's, gamer, likes black and white old tv shows, large variety in music... the works. SO AM I. it blows my mind.

The 1st year of the 3 yrs to clean up he did nothing.. 2nd year... again nothing. Got to the end of the 2nd year, massive fight. As of this point I have begun thinking in my head of my next move. He is a GREAT DAD. He loves and gives her anything she could ever want. And she loves him just as so. That is his lil girl and it is how it should be. When it comes to me and him... thats another story. He finally got it in his head I'm not playing, I can't take much more of the "I'm changed and getting better" to him slipping back into his bad habits and crap getting worse. The yo-yo thing is breaking me.

I think I have started to check out of our marriage emotionally. I STILL love him to the point where it draws tears even typing this simple line. I do love him and would give anything to still be something even if it all crashes down. We have talked about that as a possibility. As we may be friends though he will do anything to put us back together again. And that if its truly over he will never marry again because he swears I am THE ONE. It hurts.. bad. Really bad. He knows (by our talks not arguments) that I don't love him the same way I use to. I do love him, and want him to be happy, healty, sucessful, the works. I just don't know if it will be with me.

The latest thing that hurts is we've had sexual issues. He's still attracted to me physically or so he says. I loathe the way I look so I will never fully believe him. Anyway, so the act commenses.... Sometimes its great, but lately and progressing more and more I am really there so he can feel satifaction. I do what I can to make sure he gets his happy ending and is smiling when its over and I smile and go about like it was awesome. Inside I kinda feel blah, nothing. I don't know whats wrong with me. I know I just feel horrible afterwards, mainly self loathing and the like. 

We've been in discussion now for the past few months that I will be moving in with friends in a few states away. With everything that has built to this point we can not afford to stay here in this lame house anymore. We both hate this state we are in, so when they offered for me to move up there I was half excited to be away from this state but torn with sadness over the ordeal with hubby. We have talked about it, more and more coming to terms with things and the like.

I don't know I think I went on long enough and I'm upset now and we are out of tissues. 

What do I do? I love him, know we need to have some space between us. If I'm not happy with me. He is not happy with him. we know we can't be happy together if we are not happy to begin with. What do I do about the other things?
About emotionally checking out and checking out so to speak when the bedroom play comes about. I can't even kiss him deeply as he tries to kiss me. I kiss him, sometimes a few more kisses but I can't bring myself to kiss deeply, or 'french kiss'. *sigh* I don't know anymore.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

It sort of sounds as though you know the answers to your questions. 
It seems like you have made determinations.
What then is preventing you from making an action? 
Is there counselling involved here? Have you sat down with a MC to professionally arrive at a understanding of your situation?
Listen, take some some time to hear yourself. 
Clearly you are a thinker but it would help to have someone to coordinate your thoughts for you. Observe and report. 
What do you your friends, family think? 
What is your heart telling you? 
Don't just throw away a marriage becasue your goiong through an identity crisis or a life change. 
Work at cleaning your headspace to the point where you can invite him in and see what there is without the clutter. 
Take the time, make the effort, be honest above all else. No matter how much it hurts to say it. Lying about sex is a bad sign. 
Not telling him about these thoughts is even worse. 
Communicate to him, be bold, take control.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Do you really love him or do you love the ideal person you think you would like him to be and which you sometimes get glimpses of?
Believe me, relationships are not meant to be this difficult! There are so many issues going on (such as the jealousy).
Look at things objectively and ask yourself if that you were starting all over again would you choose this man? Do you think you can do (and deserve) a lot better? If you do, you need to have the courage to create the space for a relationship that is truly going to make you happy.
You CAN do that if you are willing to have the courage.


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