# 21 years of co-dependency ugh



## turtleshell (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi,

My first post and I guess I'm just talking out loud and hoping for some answers through others point of view.

I won't go into a long exhaustive story but I am now 51 and my husband is 43 , we have three sons aged 21, 19 and 18.

We both have a history of alcohol abuse and violence and infidelity towards each other. But miraculously we both
have very close relations with our boys. For the most part 
we have both felt very trapped and unhappy in our marriage
but have stayed for the kids.

I have no job so feel stuck but am now trying to get one. Trouble is I suffer social anxiety because I'm fat and will get insomnia even if something to look forward to the next day let alone a dreaded job interview!

So I just don't know what to do actually. I feel stuck-perpetually.

Thanks if you bothered to read so far.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Starting by getting a job is a very good idea. 

Work on your weight. If you lose it you will feel like a new person.

See an attorney to see what your rights are finacially, etc in a divorce.


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## turtleshell (Jan 1, 2012)

Thanks EleGirl.

I agree I need a job first and foremost but I might have to go on anti depressants in order to get enough sleep to hold down a job. Last job I was offered as a swimming instructor, they were the nicest people but I kept getting chronic insomnia as if I was standing in my own way! It was infuriating but I could do nothing about it except see the doctor for sleeping pills which I didn't want to take with the responsibility of taking care of kids learning to swim.

I have been so long out of paid employment I am scared of it. :/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I imagine it is hard to get back into the job market after being out for a long time. The current economy does not make it any easier.

Have you tried going to a sleep clinic? There might be issues that they can help you with.


One thing that I find really helps me is taking melatonine. Have you tried it?


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## turtleshell (Jan 1, 2012)

Yes I was supposed to go to a sleep clinic for my weight problem so I really think you are right there because I ignored the doctor's advice on that one. But the insomnia is more to do with anxiety, I sleep perfectly well when following usual routine of home duties. And I sleep perfectly well when I have worked for myself- a year ago I was selling eggs from our farm. 

It seems in my heart of hearts I know I must find my independence and sort myself out but something within me is holding me back. Frightened of the unknown I guess, frightened of change. Not believing in myself.

Thanks EleGirl for your thoughtful suggestions.


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## turtleshell (Jan 1, 2012)

Melatonin- no I'll have a look into that, if they sell it here in Australia, thanks.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont tell us my you have to divorce. I am sure all your troubles stem from that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is getting some form of therapy or counselling an option? How about getting started with your weight loss, slowly and gradually. Start with baby steps, and build on success.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Doing a bit of volunteer work one day a week can help you build some confidence to get back into the workforce. Less pressure, and it gets you out meeting people, who are just glad you are there and you don't have to live up to big expectations (less anxiety)

You can also try a temp agency of sorts, just start working part time and move up through different positions as you feel better. Not sure what the economy is in your area, though. 

Walking is a good way to burn off anxiety, gives you some energy, and exercise releases a natural phermone that can help you sleep as well. If it's yucky out, even walking in the mall can help.


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## turtleshell (Jan 1, 2012)

Wonderful advice, thanks.

Reading back my post I would be saying to myself well why don't you get out there and work that fat off!! I sound so pathetic. 

It does help to speak out loud if nothing more than to stand apart and look at yourself. Although I managed to quit smoking five years ago, disentangling myself from myself thwarting all efforts to change is proving a little more complex!

I feel like I want to get my life back but I will not volunteer, not yet. When I sold eggs I raised money for families of cancer survivors not long ago. We live on a remote farm so petrol is scarce on one low income. If I were to spend our few resources on going to volunteer I would feel guilty about it. When I can earn money myself again I am in a position to do that. My husband would look down on it and want me to get a 'real' job because he sees much of our problems stemming from our financial state.

Yet I hear what you are saying! Volunteer work often helps the volunteers most- that's true. But I will instead get counseling and start walking and try to find a paying job. If I want to really help out with charity I can do that from my computer.


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