# End it?



## running1932 (May 22, 2013)

So.... I'm going to bet all the advise I get will be to end it run, leave, not try to save it. And maybe I just need that encouragement.

Wife and I met young, together a total of 6 years now, married two years ago at 24/22, no kids, yesterday was two year mark... two affairs in two years, each a year apart one definitely physical the second a online. I should have learned the first time but I took her back, and the second time... I don't know I guess I keep feeling guilted to try and make it work - like - is she just this way because of me? Or is she this way because that's the way she is, or because of my frustration with how things are?

Funny thing is when she is having affair she was out exercising, going outside and in general seeming happy, many of the things I want her to be with me, so I think okay I can live with you like that (but not with the affair!)

My biggest struggles with the relationship have been she has depression and anxiety, has gained quite a bit of weight (~60 pounds and bmi is now considered obese), and in the past year we've fought a lot about housework and finances. 

After her first affair with coworker she quit job and I thought well lets try this... she is good at cooking but not good at getting motivation to clean, so often I would come home and be frustrated because of lack of cleaning (btw we have 2 dogs that shed so carpets should be vacuumed at least 2x week but usually only once every two weeks or once a month..) usually by the point that I'm so fed up with the lack of cleaning it results in a fight. Also I come home and instead of being loving towards her I am frustrated and bring up issues (because they are staring at me in the face! But that's a big issue of hers to me).

We also have troubles with finances, financial decisions, she is always mad because I am trying to get my student loans payed off asap... and in general I'm pretty frugal, but we still go out to the movies and eat out all the time... though I guess I could be better at maintenance on this front sometimes I feel like it's not worth it... horrible feeling.

Anyhow I don't know where I'm going with this, since we married and especially the last year I've been trying to work on myself in various ways, I've gained 50 lbs of muscle and look better than I ever have, consequently I've had to get myself new wardrobe, am making new friends, going out doing stuff.. Eyeing other people...

We didn't celebrate our anniversary and I don't think we plan too.. she's been vacationing with family (I have to work to pay bills you know?) for about 3 weeks now so she is away.. then she plans to get a job when she comes back. I think she also plans to move out after that but I'm not sure at the moment. 

We've tried to be amicable lately and it seems like she wants to reconcile again, but I have an incredibly hard time trusting anything.... I feel like we could stay together and continue to love each other but I have a hard time seeing any of the issues we've had changing, and I feel like it'll be an exercise in futility. For example, before going on vacation she left house a mess... so next two days I spend cleaning house top to bottom  She always makes exuses on cleaning she is too busy with school but really she watches a lot of reality tv and plays on internet.

she's been txting she loves me and misses me but I don't feel it back very much  and feel like mostly she is trying to please me just enough to not make life worse / want to separate before she gets a job and on her feet. Or maybe she does love me and wants it to work and it's just on me to get on and treat her right? I don't know.

The other big issue is because the two times she's left she brings all her problems to her family, and so I feel very estranged from her family. Every time she talks to people they say she should leave me but then she comes back.

I feel like I could make it work but I don't know if it really would work... I don't think we meet each others needs in the ways we would like, and I can't see myself wanting children with her anymore.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Two affairs in two years? Yeah, I'd divorce her.

And as far as her getting on her feet goes, if she's spent the past 3 weeks vacationing w/ her family, she can just live w/ them.

Goodbye and good riddance.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First, let's separate your marital issues from her infidelity issues. 

Right now, the reality is; that you gave her the gift of R after she cheated, and she cheated again - throwing that gift back in your face. That makes her a serial cheater. I would never advise a BS to R with a serial cheater. So yes, without decades invested in the marriage and no children - *RUN*.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She has shown you her cheating side.

Over and over. She will only hurt you more. Have her get her job, stay with her family, but you need her back cheating on you like you need a hole in your head.

Do the 180, get her out of your life.


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## Cleaver Brooks (Jan 19, 2014)

Get out while the gettin's good. There's nothing to salvage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with Gus. You are too young to have to deal with this crap. Your wife sounds like she has A LOT of growing up to do, and has zero respect for you and the marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I agree with Gus. You are too young to have to deal with this crap. Your wife sounds like she has A LOT of growing up to do, and has zero respect for you and the marriage.


:iagree:
No kids.
RUN and don't look back.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

*End it!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you need to end it. The only thing worse than what you have now is what you have now plus children. Don't wait for that to happen.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

End it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

But I bet he comes back and goes "But I really love her..blah blah blah" 
20 pages later..


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## running1932 (May 22, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> But I bet he comes back and goes "But I really love her..blah blah blah"
> 20 pages later..


I know right... My bad I should have let it go while she had separated and was living with family in town, but she came back... (under the pretense she would end anything with him, which she broke), now she is just vacationing with family and intends to come back and other than this keeping me up at night not sure I want her back.


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## running1932 (May 22, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> But I bet he comes back and goes "But I really love her..blah blah blah"
> 20 pages later..


I'm more finding that while I do love her, I'm not in love with her, the classic cheater line she told me on my birthday last year.


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## easysolution (Mar 5, 2014)

The question is what would it take for you to end it? How bad does it have to be before you bail? I've just skimmed through your first thread and you don't seem like a guy who takes advice to heart or even like someone who learns from their mistakes (at least the first time). 
Be honest with yourself, you are in no position to end it. Fact is you're wife has left and right now all you want is for her to be back. You haven't reached your pain threshold yet, but you're getting there. For your sake, let's just hope that she stays away for good this time.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Let her find a job and then close this chapter in your life and start a new one.


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## running1932 (May 22, 2013)

Yes the first time all I wanted was for her to be back, this time I don't. It's more like, I wish things would work out between us, but I don't trust that they will and I don't see it in the present when we are back together. All that I feel has happened is I've shut down my feelings toward her and don't care to bring up the issues anymore because it never seems to go anywhere. I don't even think I want to try MC.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Have a plan. Take action. Lawyer up, separate finances, nuke credit cards. Plan it all out. Listen to your lawyer. Do the 180.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Have a plan. Take action. Lawyer up, separate finances, nuke credit cards. Plan it all out. Listen to your lawyer. Do the 180.


Married only 2 years this should be a pretty cut and dry divorce process.
hopefully.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Married only 2 years this should be a pretty cut and dry divorce process.
> hopefully.


Yah, as long as she does not know his plans until she is served.


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## running1932 (May 22, 2013)

Yeah, no kids, I'd hope everything pretty easy.. I only own a mobile home (making payments) not worth much hope she can just take her stuff and find new place to live....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

running1932 said:


> Yeah, no kids, I'd hope everything pretty easy.. I only own a mobile home (making payments) not worth much hope she can just take her stuff and find new place to live....


Assuming that the mobile home is in your name alone, do the following before she gets back from vacation...

1. Change all of the locks
2. Move all of her things into a rented storage unit
3. File for divorce


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving as you? If you don't respect yourself then who will?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"The other big issue is because the two times she's left she brings all her problems to her family, and so I feel very estranged from her family. Every time she talks to people they say she should leave me but then she comes back."

My guess is you never exposed her cheating to anyone, so the only consequence she ever faced was you pouting and being angry, but at the same time desperate for her to remain in the M?

She has zero remorse or respect for you, yet you are once again considering taking her back.

She is only looking to continue your support...she doesn't want to face a drastic drop in her lifestyle til she finds a new guy to latch on to....you are essentially in a placeholder role.

She will keep looking for her 'soulmate', which mean she will continue to cheat.

File for D, move on, and save yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> two affairs in two years


*That you are aware of.*

I know I have the reputation for being an advocate of reconciliation... but in your case? I think lawyering up might be a good idea.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

This thread's too long already. There is only *one* thing you can do:









*Bail!!*

Find a safe spot now and get *out*, before she gets herself pregnant, gives you an STD, Ebola or some other rare disease.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No kids and 2 years of marriage invested, plus you already tried to R after her first affair. OP- this is easy. GTFO while the getting is good. Also, Matt has point. 2 affairs that you know of.

You have way too much life left in front of you to put up with this garbage. Imagine having kids- getting a paternity test to find out if you are the dad or just the primary suspect. Anyway- you'll pay out the arse to bail later and waste years in the process.

Go find someone that you can have a healthy and happy relationship with, cause it ain't the one you are married to now.

Get tested for STDs
Do not get her pregnant- no matter what- use a condom if you do sleep with her again so she doesn't get pregnant and she doesn't give you a souvenir from her 3 week vacation.

See a lawyer
Buy some trash bags- pack her stuff for her- and send her back to her parents.

You will not and cannot fix her.

You are not obligated to get her on her feet... she won't stay on them anyhow as soon as you turn your back her ankles will be up in the air anyway.

In closing- GTFO as fast as you can.

Good luck
WD


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Two years married. Two affairs. One each year. Married five years How many more affairs then?

You don't have a marriage. You have had a cruel joke played on you if you think that this is a marriage.

I agree with some of the posters. Hire an attorney, file, have her served and move on before it's too late. 

When she's served and wants to know what the hell happened, just flat out tell her that she's done nothing but cause you grief and your done and then if she has any more questions, then direct them to your lawyer.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Run like the wind.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

RUN


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Or is it the other way around?

Anyhoo, time to cut your losses and say goodbye.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

_Let it goooo, let it goooo
Turn away and slam the doooorrrr_

Looks like you already know what you're going to do. You have put up with her first affair and she didn't appreciate your effort at all. Her family told her to leave you ? I think she told them the wrong story or maybe they are as sick as her

It's time to move on and never look back


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the way it is Dawg. When youre "in love" with someone, marriage is a joy. When you love them but are not in love with them, it sucks the life out of you. 
I can tell the by way you right, you're already gone. Do both of you a favor and make it official. There ain't nothing there for her to come home to or for you to wait for.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

End it, don't mend it.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)




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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It's time to go dark on her dude.
Your state has D papers online. Get a copy and go file at the clerk's office while she is gone.

She is already with family that wants her to leave you, so let her stay there.

Dude, you owe her nothing
You owe yourself a way out without all the drama.

Also, you still haven't said what happened with om that pulled you closer.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Even with the cheating left out of the equation, I'm not sure what you see in her. You make no mention of having any fun and only have complaints. She seems a bit on the lazy side. You don't have kids but she isn't working and then complains how you want to pay your student loans? No...just no. 

Cut your losses.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Serial cheater (2 affairs in the first 2 years of marriage, what should be the "honeymoon" phase), No kids....
This is a no brainer, OP, what are you waiting for?


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

SO sorry to hear what you're facing. And just as you predicted, you're pretty much being told exclusively to run and don't look back. One question I have, however, is - what steps did you take the first time you caught her cheating? Did you have conditions set, did you get counseling, or did you just make her promise to behave or something? I'm saying that because everyone seems to think the only one benefiting from your staying together is *her*. When, in reality, divorce is horrible, it's painful, it's very very expensive, etc. for *both *of you. You're going to be hurt that route too, you know, not just if you stay and are possibly hurt by her again.

So, that said, if you've not gotten help from a counselor who specializes in infidelity and marriage recovery, and if you've never laid out a clear set of conditions for her to follow, you may wish to reconsider doing that before you throw in the towel. I may get dumped on by everyone for saying that, but you can at least look back later if it doesn't work and say "Yep, I did everything I could to salvage the relationship and she chose to break the conditions I set and the counseling we got. I couldn't do anything more than I did." There's going to be a bit of comfort you can gain from that at least. 

Maybe you're beyond that point now, but it can't hurt to consider. Yes, counseling is expensive, but - dang - divorce is *really *expensive. HUGS and blessing to you!
*
~ Seek the Light ~*


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I get the sense that you are afraid to be the last one to turn off the light in this marriage, when all this time you have been living in the dark, she has been keeping your relationship, her feelings and her energy level in the dark. She is not going to have this great epiphany that you are the man of her dreams, that she has made this great mistake and she wants to spend the rest of her life to make it up too you, at least not today and not tomorrow. Ask yourself....look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself "is being with her making me a better person? Am i happier with her then with out her?" if you can honestly look back and say no then you need to move on without her not because it is the best for both of you but it is the best for your own well being.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

WatchmansMoon said:


> SO sorry to hear what you're facing. And just as you predicted, you're pretty much being told exclusively to run and don't look back. One question I have, however, is - what steps did you take the first time you caught her cheating? Did you have conditions set, did you get counseling, or did you just make her promise to behave or something? I'm saying that because everyone seems to think the only one benefiting from your staying together is *her*. When, in reality, divorce is horrible, it's painful, it's very very expensive, etc. for *both *of you. You're going to be hurt that route too, you know, not just if you stay and are possibly hurt by her again.
> 
> So, that said, if you've not gotten help from a counselor who specializes in infidelity and marriage recovery, and if you've never laid out a clear set of conditions for her to follow, you may wish to reconsider doing that before you throw in the towel. I may get dumped on by everyone for saying that, but you can at least look back later if it doesn't work and say "Yep, I did everything I could to salvage the relationship and she chose to break the conditions I set and the counseling we got. I couldn't do anything more than I did." There's going to be a bit of comfort you can gain from that at least.
> 
> ...


1. Divorce is really expensive (as opposed to counseling) if there are estates involved, alimony or kids. If not it is expensive but not incredibly so.

2. You DON'T settle for a proven serial cheater because of money, it's a really stupid motivation, considering it's not THAT much money. You don't throw away your life like that at 24!


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Your 26? no kids? married two years? All things considered, you never really had a marriage. Legally end it, learn from it. Run like hell! This divorce should be a no brainer.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

italianjob said:


> 1. Divorce is really expensive (as opposed to counseling) if there are estates involved, alimony or kids. If not it is expensive but not incredibly so.
> 
> 2. You DON'T settle for a proven serial cheater because of money, it's really stupid


Yep, I see your point. I should have been more specific in what I said. I wasn't just referring to the legal costs of the divorce, but the ramifications that follow in all areas of your now separated lives (i.e. maintaining two households, etc.) - there's a great article that outlines many of them at https://www.mint.com/blog/planning/the-financial-impact-of-divorce-062012/ if you're interested. I actually would guess that the other less-expected expenses outweigh the initial legal costs incurred, but I'm sure that varies with individuals and circumstances.

*~ Seek the Light ~*


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

running1932 said:


> I don't know I guess I keep feeling guilted to try and make it work - like - *is she just this way because of me?* Or is she this way because that's the way she is, or because of my frustration with how things are?


No, no, no!

She is this way because of herself, not you.

If i were you? I would run as fast as i could away from this woman. She is not monogamous and never will be.

Not wife material.

Cut your losses and divorce her. Move on.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You really needed to make a thread asking if you should end this "marriage"? Seriously??


:scratchhead:


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

WatchmansMoon said:


> Yep, I see your point. I should have been more specific in what I said. I wasn't just referring to the legal costs of the divorce, but the ramifications that follow in all areas of your now separated lives (i.e. maintaining two households, etc.) - there's a great article that outlines many of them at https://www.mint.com/blog/planning/the-financial-impact-of-divorce-062012/ if you're interested. I actually would guess that the other less-expected expenses outweigh the initial legal costs incurred, but I'm sure that varies with individuals and circumstances.
> 
> *~ Seek the Light ~*



I cant imagine that at 26, no kids, married only two years a divorce would be all that expensive and difficult. Unless of course there are assets to fight over. I didnt have much at 26. But, in any event, as said before. At 26, what ever it cost, would be worth it to get out of such a marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

toonaive said:


> I cant imagine that at 26, no kids, married only two years a divorce would be all that expensive and difficult. Unless of course there are assets to fight over. I didnt have much at 26. But, in any event, as said before. At 26, what ever it cost, would be worth it to get out of such a marriage.




I agree and it certainly will not get any less expensive if he postpones divorce years down the road.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Yeah, I don't see any opportunity for a good ending here. Now that I have been separated for 10 months - I'd advising leaving without a second thought.


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## running1932 (May 22, 2013)

Well, we have mutually decided to separate now. Wife has had a job for the past month and some income and has just moved in with a coworker. Not really sure where we are going to go from here but I think some time and space for us to consider some things in our life will be good.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

running1932 said:


> Well, we have mutually decided to separate now. Wife has had a job for the past month and some income and has just moved in with a coworker. Not really sure where we are going to go from here but I think some time and space for us to consider some things in our life will be good.


Use this time to strengthen yourself. Also, if you haven't done it yet. See a lawyer and get tested for STDs.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

running1932 said:


> Well, we have mutually decided to separate now. Wife has had a job for the past month and some income and has just moved in with a coworker. Not really sure where we are going to go from here but I think *some time and space for us to consider some things in our life will be good.*


Consider divorce. 

Nuff said.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

She needs a maid, a servant and a job. You need to get a divorce and pay off your student loans. You seem to be way ahead and blessed. No kids=No Child Support & Under 9 years=No Alimony for the serial Cheater...And the luckiest part is no STDs for you.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

See a lawyer and put a plan together and have it poised and ready to go.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

bah by!!!


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## Icewind (Dec 18, 2012)

Contact a lawyer asap.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

running1932 said:


> Well, we have mutually decided to separate now. Wife has had a job for the past month and some income and has just moved in with a coworker. Not really sure where we are going to go from here but I think some time and space for us to consider some things in our life will be good.


Sounds like waffling, man.

There is no shame in leaving this situation. But the potential is high there will be lots more shame coming if you stay in this relationship.

Don't be a baby, and just rip the bandaid off.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

running1932 said:


> Well, we have mutually decided to separate now. Wife has had a job for the past month and some income and has just moved in with a coworker. Not really sure where we are going to go from here but I think some time and space for us to consider some things in our life will be good.


Running,

If I'm reading you right, and you've separated with no intention of starting the divorce process; you're making a mistake. It's one thing to ask her to leave the house for a week or two while you make up your mind on R; it's quite another to separate indefinitely and leave this open ended.

To her, this gives her the opportunity to avoid monitoring, to avoid consequences, and to explore OM options. In the mean time she can still picture you as her plan B.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

Don't look back. Do the 180 and remove her from all aspects of your life.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

File for divorce, have her served and don't look back!! Start a brand new life for yourself. Get into individual counseling to figure out why you would willingly stay with a woman that cheats on you. Best of luck to you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what ever reason if the two of you decide to get back together, I strongly suggest you have her get tested for STD's and check the results your self.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Two affairs in two years and lazy and irresponsible to boot.

Your hopes of rehabilitation are not good.


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