# At What Point Do You Ask ALove Interest if They Have Ever Been Unfaithf



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This question is more hypothetical than anything else, but it remains a very real one:

Say you are divorced due to matters of infidelity, and you have reentered the dating world to find a man or woman that you are starting to develop real feelings for!

At what juncture to you get brazen enough to ask them if they have ever been unfaithful in a prior relationship?

Wouldn't the sheer asking of this question be tantamount to "insecurity" on the part of the "asker?"

What is your take on this? Please feel free to expound!*_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I haven't been cheated on. But I am divorced and starting to date again.

It didn't really occur to me to specifically ask. One day, my boyfriend and i were watching a TV show where someone had cheated, so I asked if he'd ever been cheated on, or had cheated. But it's not really a question I make a point to ask. Maybe I should...


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Arbie ~

Without I doubt, I would find a way to determine if I am in the midst of starting a relationship with a cheater. 

I have no intentions of spending the rest of my life doing this :crying:

I want to be doing this :x and feeling like this :smile2:

VH


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

arbitrator said:


> *This question is more hypothetical than anything else, but it remains a very real one:
> 
> Say you are divorced due to matters of infidelity, and you have reentered the dating world to find a man or woman that you are starting to develop real feelings for!
> 
> ...


I don't think one would ever get an honest answer to this.

That said, the longer you're with someone before asking, the more likely you would, I suppose?

Obviously, if you ask a question like that very early on in a relationship, they're going to say "no", no matter if that's the truth or not. That's kind of a given.

But if you wait until you've been married a few years, then you might get a real answer to that question (or, "how many people have you slept with?" lol!)

It's funny you ask this, as very early on in my relationship with my wife, she was talking about her ex before me, how he spent the last year of their relationship thinking she was cheating on him, and that was one of the reasons she broke up with him. Long story short, she told me she didn't, and I didn't even ask. However, in the ensuing years, and with more knowledge of her history with him, I could see WHY he maybe could have arrived at that conclusion. I still believe her, but I could see why she would have, too, not that it's ever justified, but all the same...

It's also crossed my mind that she brought that topic up in order to get out ahead of things, in case her ex decided to tell me about it. She also could have been warning me (myself coming from an ex wife who cheated) to not start accusing her of the same things her ex did. If she didn't, then I can see how she wouldn't want her next boyfriend to be accusatory and paranoid, either.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would just ask straight out, arb. Just be yourself. 

I think it is important to be right out front with the things that bother us. No hiding. Better to be disappointed sooner rather than later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *This question is more hypothetical than anything else, but it remains a very real one:
> 
> Say you are divorced due to matters of infidelity, and you have reentered the dating world to find a man or woman that you are starting to develop real feelings for!
> 
> ...


I'm not dating nor do I desire to yet. If in a developing relationship someday I really doubt I'll need that answer. Besides as part of getting to know each other I'll probably know it without asking. 

I imagine my concern will be our mutual compatibility and whether we feel secure with each other despite our baggage.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Since I was cheated on by my first wife, I wouldn't hesitate to ask, if things progressed to a very serious level. Once a cheater, always a cheater, as soon as a reason or opportunity presents itself.
My wife now, was physically abused by her ex husband, mostly slaps, not bruising or bleeding, but still the same. Before she even had to ask, I took the opportunity to tell her I have never and would never do that. I'm a very calm mostly passive person, so she would probably have figured it out on her own.
I did ask her the cheating question, because that would have been a deal breaker for me, no matter what the excuse.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I usually just ask outright. "So, my marriage ended due to my ex-husband's infidelity. It's not something I'm willing to deal with ever again. Cheating, even a history of it, is an absolute deal breaker for me. Is that going to be a problem?" A few have been quick to respond that their ex-partner cheated on them and how terrible it was. I commiserate, but also ask if he ever cheated in return. If he's at all shifty or uncomfortable, or says he did cheat at some point (a couple have admitted it outright) then I figure this isn't the guy for me. If he's dishonest about it, at least he's been given fair warning that if I ever find out, or he ever cheats on me, I'll leave without even the slightest hesitation.

Oh, and I have that conversation before we ever meet in person (most of my dating has begun online), so that I don't waste my or his time.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *This question is more hypothetical than anything else, but it remains a very real one:
> 
> Say you are divorced due to matters of infidelity, and you have reentered the dating world to find a man or woman that you are starting to develop real feelings for!
> 
> ...


I ask before we ever even meet honestly. I don't want to waste time with someone I already know I won't have compatibility with. And personally I could care less if they think it's insecure lol that would be rich coming from a previous cheater. Now what I have been told is that I am judgemental........ 100% I am. I am fully judgemental about the people I have in my life and my kids life as should everyone be


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

alexm said:


> *I don't think one would ever get an honest answer to this.*
> 
> That said, the longer you're with someone before asking, the more likely you would, I suppose?
> 
> ...


You would think that right, I mean you are dealing with someone who has an oblivious character issue and has demonstrated that they are capable of lying to thier loved ones, kids, friends ect... So that gets brought up most often, if you ask why wouldn't they just lie about it.

Well the other side of the cheater coin is self righteousness. All that I have met feel they had a perfectly legitimate reason why they cheated. So when you bring up that you don't want to be with a cheater they always want to tell you the story of why "THEY" are the exception. I mean every time they do it's almost comical. I could see where if you waited until you are both heavily invested emotionally and they feel they have something to loose they may then choose to lie about it. Another reason to ask before meeting for a first date.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

If it is that important to you ask up front or don't bother.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> You would think that right, I mean you are dealing with someone who has an oblivious character issue and has demonstrated that they are capable of lying to thier loved ones, kids, friends ect... So that gets brought up most often, if you ask why wouldn't they just lie about it.
> 
> Well the other side of the cheater coin is self righteousness. All that I have met feel they had a perfectly legitimate reason why they cheated. So when you bring up that you don't want to be with a cheater they always want to tell you the story of why "THEY" are the exception. I mean every time they do it's almost comical. I could see where if you waited until you are both heavily invested emotionally and they feel they have something to loose they may then choose to lie about it. Another reason to ask before meeting for a first date.


This. I've had this conversation with probably 10 guys in the last year. 

Two admitted to cheating but had 'reasons' why it was totally legit and justified. Next and next. 

One said he hadn't and changed the subject back to how wrong his ex-wife had done him, before saying offhand, "When you cheat it's all good, but when someone does it to you it just hurts sooo badly!" during conversation on our first date. Next. 

One guy just blew off his cheating as a 'these things happen' sort of deal. Apparently, everyone does it at least once, especially women, and didn't I want to just admit it now so we could be honest with one another from the start? NEXT!


----------



## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

Coming out of a relationship where I was cheated on, you would think that I would've wanted to ask my current H if he ever cheated. But for some reason I just felt comfortable enough with him to either believe that he hadn't, or to realize that the answer to that question didn't matter enough to me for me to ask. I loved him and trusted him without question. 

Now if my current H were to cheat on me, I would be a lot more questioning of possible prospects in the future. I would get it out of the way very early in the relationship. Like, date 2.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I've always advocated having the sexual and relationship history, including infidelity, conversation very early on. No point in wasting everyone's time if there are deal breakers on either side.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *
> At what juncture to you get brazen enough to ask them if they have ever been unfaithful in a prior relationship?
> 
> Wouldn't the sheer asking of this question be tantamount to "insecurity" on the part of the "asker?"
> ...


I agree with others, that if they cheated and you asked the question head on like that, they probably wouldn't be honest.

But in the first 3 dates, I make it a point to talk about past relationships. Typically questions, "What's the longest prior relationship you've had?" or "Have you ever been married?"

Then I'd follow up with "How did they end?" and "Are you and your ex still friends?"

The answers are very telling. It naturally leads to them asking about my prior relationships and if you follow the flow eventually the topic of infidelity comes up. The ones who have cheated tend to give really lame reasons for the break ups. And if they say they are friends with their ex, that better have a good explanation or bye, bye. 

One thing I think is good to insist on once you are in an 'exclusive' relationship. Is that each should disclose any friends they may have had a 'casual' encounter with, if there is a chance you will meet them (or they will see them in social settings). It may be awkward, or scary to deal with. But I think that honesty helps you build better boundaries as a couple.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Acoa said:


> Then I'd follow up with "How did they end?" and "Are you and your ex still friends?"


Oooh, ex friendships are another common area of disagreement and deal breakers. 

Some people won't date you if you're friends with an ex or ex's and others won't date you unless you are! So, that's another good question to ask.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Certainly before getting serious about a significant relationship with them.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's definitely a substantive question that needs to be answered, at least for my edification!

In reality, I do not mind asking it, but it's never something that I'm going to ask via text, messenger, letter or telephone!
It is going to be in person and  mano y mano!

Why? Because kind of like a "job interview," whenever the interviewer poses a rather pointed question like this, it allows the interviewer to " "take in" their personal reaction to it, using it much like a "lie detector," witnessing the sweat, the unpleasant shiftiness, the hand-wringing, the eye-twitching, the breakage of eye contact by readily looking away, or up to the ceiling or down to the floor!

In another life, I always thought that to ask that "question" was the nader of disrespect! But after having had two marriages that both were victimized by covert infidelity, I feel more than justified in asking that question! 

Like so many other of my brethren here at TAM, I really think feel that I would like to know ASAP about such improprieties much rather than during a committed married relationship!

The lesson that I've learned thus far is basically to hell with tact, the possibility of disrespecting other people's feelings over the asking of such a pointed question, or just being reminded of a crappy, betrayed, untrusted partner, the truth is the most important element to be derived!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I usually just ask outright. "So, my marriage ended due to my ex-husband's infidelity. It's not something I'm willing to deal with ever again. Cheating, even a history of it, is an absolute deal breaker for me. Is that going to be a problem?"


I think I'd be more neutral with the question.

"What are your thoughts on cheating? Ever felt like someone deserved to get cheated on?" Then let him expound one way or the other. I feel like your leading the witness when you preface it with "I were cheated on". Cheaters are liars first and foremost so if he IS a cheater and knows you have had a past issue with it, he may very lie again to protect himself.

Just my two cents.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'd personally ask very early on and be direct about it. But that is because people are more likely to be honest with you if there is no relationship yet for them to worry about losing.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

"Hi, I'm Gus. Ever cheat?"

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't think you would ever get an honest answer. If you say you had cheated in the past, that would be the end of the relationship. This is one of those things that you have to find out for yourself, though her personality and others that know her.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I don't think you would ever get an honest answer. If you say you had cheated in the past, that would be the end of the relationship. This is one of those things that you have to find out for yourself, though her personality and others that know her.


You'd be amazed at some of the things people will confess to having done.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

technovelist said:


> You'd be amazed at some of the things people will confess to having done.


Yep, and especially when they don't feel badly about it, feel justified in having done it, and/or have convinced themselves that "it wasn't cheating".


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> "Hi, I'm Gus. Ever cheat?"
> 
> :lol: :rofl:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"Hi! I'm MJ. Yes. I openly had affairs when married to my lying, abusive, financially and otherwise chronically irresponsible, and also cheating, although lying about it, ex."

Not all cheaters lie. But, yeah, most probably do.

And I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad about marrying him in the first place. But, had I not done that, I wouldn't have my girls, so...

I mean, seriously, how bad should I feel when this is an actual conversation I had circa 1994.

Me "I'm going to Dennis's for the weekend."

exH "Can I drop you off there so I can have the car?"

Me "Yeah, whatever. But I might need a ride home Sunday and you need to put gas in the car because I won't have time before work."


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> "Hi! I'm MJ. Yes. I openly had affairs when married to my lying, abusive, financially and otherwise chronically irresponsible, and also cheating, although lying about it, ex."
> 
> Not all cheaters lie. But, yeah, most probably do.
> 
> ...


How is that cheating exactly?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

technovelist said:


> How is that cheating exactly?


Because I was married and my ex never actually agreed to an open marriage. 

He would sometimes throw a huge fit and other times be perfectly fine, depending on what was going on in his personal life at the moment. When he was out partying or trying to have/having an affair, he was more than happy to see me head out the door to spend time with a man. When he wasn't getting any invites and had no woman on his mind, all of a sudden he gave a hoot.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Because I was married and my ex never actually agreed to an open marriage.
> 
> He would sometimes throw a huge fit and other times be perfectly fine, depending on what was going on in his personal life at the moment. When he was out partying or trying to have/having an affair, he was more than happy to see me head out the door to spend time with a man. When he wasn't getting any invites and had no woman on his mind, all of a sudden he gave a hoot.


Ok, I didn't understand that he didn't agree to it. But it's a pretty unusual type of "cheating" not to involve secrecy and lying. Maybe "open infidelity" would be a better term?

And after reading all the threads about how the lying was worse than the sexual infidelity, this would seem to have been a "better" type...


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

technovelist said:


> Ok, I didn't understand that he didn't agree to it. But it's a pretty unusual type of "cheating" not to involve secrecy and lying. Maybe "open infidelity" would be a better term?
> 
> And after reading all the threads about how the lying was worse than the sexual infidelity, this would seem to have been a "better" type...


He would drop me off with my overnight bag at the house of the guy he knew I was f*cking, yet claim to NOT be on board with an open marriage.

It was a ridiculous situation. He had affairs. I had affairs. He lied and denied even when I literally walked in on him, which happened more than once. I was open about it. Yet, for some entirely idiotic reason, he never would agree to an openly open marriage.

Thing is, if I were single and got asked that cheating question by a date, I'm pretty sure no one would believe me when I explained the entire situation. It was just that batsh*tcrazy.

DH better outlive me. I don't want to be single again.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> He would drop me off with my overnight bag at the house of the guy he knew I was f*cking, yet claim to NOT be on board with an open marriage.
> 
> It was a ridiculous situation. He had affairs. I had affairs. He lied and denied even when I literally walked in on him, which happened more than once. I was open about it. Yet, for some entirely idiotic reason, he never would agree to an openly open marriage.
> 
> ...


IDK, that doesn't sound like cheating to me then.

BTW, did you ever see the movie "Working Girl"? That has one of the most ridiculous "caught in the act and denying it" scenes I've ever seen. If you have seen it, was it like that?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

technovelist said:


> IDK, that doesn't sound like cheating to me then.
> 
> BTW, did you ever see the movie "Working Girl"? That has one of the most ridiculous "caught in the act and denying it" scenes I've ever seen. If you have seen it, was it like that?


Yup.

I caught him once getting oral on the couch. Not about to get oral, but mid-bj.

I caught him once in the bathroom with my friend. They were playing tonsil hockey with one of his hands up her mini-skirt in the penalty box.

I could go on, but you get it.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Say you are divorced due to matters of infidelity, and you have reentered the dating world to find a man or woman that you are starting to develop real feelings for!
> 
> At what juncture to you get brazen enough to ask them if they have ever been unfaithful in a prior relationship?
> 
> !*_Posted via Mobile Device_


BEFORE you develop "feelings" for the other person. 



> Wouldn't the sheer asking of this question be tantamount to "insecurity" on the part of the "asker?"


Some people will see the question as being "insecure". Others will see it as being _smart_. 

If I asked the question BEFORE becoming 'involved' with someone and they saw me as 'insecure', they are obviously NOT 'The One' for ME!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Vega said:


> BEFORE you develop "feelings" for the other person.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*Exactly!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think of all the folks here, OP should know how to ask the questions with certian wording that doesn't come out and say "hey have you ever cheated" but with the right wording you can acheive the answer.

Just like with any question...if worded correctly...one may get the answer with out the other person knowing what the "real" question is.

Alls I'm say is lawyers have a way of wording a question and the person answering doesn't have a clue what the real question is.

In short, the funny thing about liars, ask them the right questions...through time you will get the answer with out them even knowing the question. So start early and with in a few week ...with the right line of questioning one can add up the inconsistantcies of the answers and come to a conclusion. 

Kinda phucked up to think this way, but when you are phucked over enough one needs to avoid the mistakes one made in the past when choosing a belly warmer.

That's my $0.02


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Vega said:


> BEFORE you develop "feelings" for the other person.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The variable of asking a question like this is the person answering can lie!

Going to side track here...but here me out...

My old lady was screwing around and I wanted answers. so the question is did she use protection?
Of course she did. Was there a prego scare....yes.

Well my friends d day my old lady says OM had protection....d day + 3 why did you need to see our doctor "for Day After bill "

So with the right line of questioning the truth will come out!

Granted some wayward are smarter them mine so one will have to be smarter.:grin2:

Again my point to the thread is with the right line of questioning and time frame one can dig out the truthful answer.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> The variable of asking a question like this is the person answering can lie!
> 
> Going to side track here...but here me out...
> 
> ...


Of course they can lie, lol! And it's not the kind of question you'd want to ask on the first date, somewhere between the appetizer and the main course! 

But sensitive issues like this can be handled tactfully, and can actually set the 'stage', so to speak, even on a first date. For example, you can tell someone on a first date that you belong to a forum such as TAM...that TAM is a huge community that discusses things like the difficulties in long-term marriages, children, money issues and even infidelity...how some of the stories you read about infidelity are heartbreaking, and how today you read a story about a man who (...). As you're talking, you can see his/her reaction. You can listen to his/her words. You can 'read' his/her face. You don't have to reveal that you think that all cheaters are dirty disgusting scumbags that deserve a special place in hell and that if you ever caught someone cheating you would make their life a living hell, lol! That would be tipping your hat too soon. 

I agree that the truth comes out with the right line of questioning, but it doesn't come out right away...

...which is WHY it's smart not to get TOO involved TOO quickly. I think one reason why there is so much heartache in relationships is because we allow our emotions to get ahead of our brains. I know that some will say, "I can't HELP how I FEEL!" Well, that MAY be true enough, but you don't have to ACT on those feelings IMMEDIATELY. 

You also have to learn when your brain is telling you to walk away NO MATTER WHAT YOUR HEART SAYS. 

It's the only way....


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dating a cheater is one thing but there are other factors to consider. What about a person who has lost everything due to cheating, do you think they might be a much better risk in a new relationship (because they know the damage that can be done and what they stand to lose) compared with someone who has never cheated but for whatever reasons the previous marriage ended. One must consider individual circumstances I think.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

not so much the brain that keeps you with the wrong partner....it's the genitals....

I mean a love interest can tell you they have been single for 4 years and a week later they tell you they have been divorced for 2 years one can conclude that ones love interest is questionable.

Hence the word "dating" asking questions from the begining that draw a conclusion if more investment should be made with this love interest.
I'm thinkin that to judge the character of a love interest is all about the time spend and the questions asked.

How can one pin point "the right time" to questions one character?

I'm thinking time dictates the answer to OP's question....and the right interiogation....LOL


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

aine said:


> . One must consider individual circumstances I think.


Thats the thing IMHO...it takes time to listen to the circumstances...so with that said OP can't put a time frame on "when to ask" such a question.

You gotta spend the time dating then make a judgement to bail or not.

Even then you have to look at the risk...and most of us don't ...we jump on in and kick our selves later for getting burned.

Think about it...how many thread have we all read that have "when we 1st met my spouse was cheated on and hated cheaters" and yet they are here at TAM talking about that one person cheating on them!

Again..it's not about asking them...it's about listening to them! then one can make a call if that new love interest is worth investing more time.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@aine
good point.
rule of thump....take your time ask the questions and listen.

if 2+2 adds up to four then continue to invest, but if shyt stops adding up that love intertest isn't worth the investment.

But in our youth do we really think with our heads?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My brain hurts...I'm going over to CWI section and see if I can stop some poor guy from say sorry to his old lady while he pulls the knife out of his back.LOL


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'd ask early on like many have pointed out!

Warning! They may tell their version of the truth.

My husband said he had never cheated in a relationship. He also said he had X sexual partners. What I find out after 6 years together...3 years married:

1. He didn't include the occasional one- nighters while dating around. 

2. He cheated, after a drug relapse, with escorts. We were on vacation, I left after being treated badly. He called escorts and scored meth. First time he cheated
on me?? We are divorcing now. He relapsed 2 years ago.....said he didn't. He said he thought about it. Right.

3. Currently, I found out he's on 2 dating websites advertising himself as divorced. This has been going on since our return from vacation and we had not mentioned divorce. He said last week that he felt divorced. However, still wanting to talk and maybe work it out. 

So...a cheater is also a liar. They manipulate the truth.

Be specific in your questions.


----------

