# There's no hope, or is there?



## tnredd (Jun 13, 2010)

I came across this site today and it seems like a great guide for all marital situations. Let me share the current situation with me.

I just turned 26 last month and my wife is 23. We've been married going on 3 years. My problem ( I say My because it doesn't seem to be a problem for her) but the problem is sex life, or lack of one. I waited until marriage to have sex for the first time (starting to regret that one) Anyway I waited 23 years to have sex and now that I am married it seems like the sex has went downhill. Starting off it was 4-5 times a week and in just year 2 it's once every 2-3 weeks. That may be normal for some but I wouldn't think for our age that's normal. I can only think that its going to get worse. We've had numerous conversations about this and she promises to work on it. She's not working on it. I'm even forbidden from releasing myself..lol With all the sexual frustration I find myself thinking back on my life before we were married and the possibilities I could have had. Is this beyond repair?

Thanks for any advice.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Some questions:

Overall who projects more love at who? Specifically:
- How often do you say "I love you" to each other?
- Who typically says "I love you" first?
- How often do you hug/touch her? 
- How often does she hug/touch you?
- How often do you ask to spend time with her, or simple make the effort to be in the same room with her at home? How often does she make that same effort with you?
- How often do you suggest dates? How often does she?
- How often do you compliment her, tell her she looks good/hot/beautiful?
- How often does she compliment you?

Conflict:
- How often do you argue?
- Who typically makes the first effort to "make up" after a fight even if the make up effort is just pretending the fight didn't happen?
- Who typically apologizes? 
- How often do you think she is in the wrong, but she simply refuses to apologize? What do YOU do when that happens?

Sexual communication:
- How often do you radiate sexual desire for her simply via body language, let her know you want her? How does she typically react to that? 
- How often do you directly ask for sex?

Whose idea was it that it was ok for her to ignore you sexually AND tell you not to self pleasure? WHY did you agree to do that? 

Have you kept steady employment during the marriage? Do either of you spend more than you make? Do you have credit card debt?



tnredd said:


> I came across this site today and it seems like a great guide for all marital situations. Let me share the current situation with me.
> 
> I just turned 26 last month and my wife is 23. We've been married going on 3 years. My problem ( I say My because it doesn't seem to be a problem for her) but the problem is sex life, or lack of one. I waited until marriage to have sex for the first time (starting to regret that one) Anyway I waited 23 years to have sex and now that I am married it seems like the sex has went downhill. Starting off it was 4-5 times a week and in just year 2 it's once every 2-3 weeks. That may be normal for some but I wouldn't think for our age that's normal. I can only think that its going to get worse. We've had numerous conversations about this and she promises to work on it. She's not working on it. I'm even forbidden from releasing myself..lol With all the sexual frustration I find myself thinking back on my life before we were married and the possibilities I could have had. Is this beyond repair?
> 
> Thanks for any advice.


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## tnredd (Jun 13, 2010)

Overall who projects more love at who? Specifically:
- How often do you say "I love you" to each other? *everyday several times a day*

- Who typically says "I love you" first? *50/50*

- How often do you hug/touch her? *daily*

- How often does she hug/touch you? *daily*

- How often do you ask to spend time with her, or simple make the effort to be in the same room with her at home? How often does she make that same effort with you? *We are both home about the same time but she sleeps wayyyy more than i do. She's in bed by 9pm while i'm up an additional 3 hours. Weekends she sleeps in and usually takes long naps. I always try to do things with her but it doesn't always work out.*

- How often do you suggest dates? How often does she? *We both do, and we try to do something every weekend.*

- How often do you compliment her, tell her she looks good/hot/beautiful? *Not as much as I should but a few times a week and I ALWAYS acknowledge her when she dolls herself up.*

- How often does she compliment you? *regular basis*

Conflict:
- How often do you argue? *rarely but on occasion about money and sometimes the topic of conversation*

- Who typically makes the first effort to "make up" after a fight even if the make up effort is just pretending the fight didn't happen? *she does*

- Who typically apologizes? *she does* 

- How often do you think she is in the wrong, but she simply refuses to apologize? What do YOU do when that happens? *Its usually 50/50 but i can get over it quicker than she can.*

Sexual communication:
- How often do you radiate sexual desire for her simply via body language, let her know you want her? How does she typically react to that? *On a daily basis, the most popular reaction is a sigh followed with an excuse.*

- How often do you directly ask for sex? *2 times a week.*

Whose idea was it that it was ok for her to ignore you sexually AND tell you not to self pleasure? WHY did you agree to do that? *I had a severe addiction and I agreed to drop it, and she worries I will fall back into the addiction.*

Have you kept steady employment during the marriage? Do either of you spend more than you make? Do you have credit card debt? *We've both had the same jobs even before marriage, and we are pretty smart about finances, and we only have 1 CC which is pretty low balance.*


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## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

MEM had some very good questions for you to ask yourself and answer. I agree with you though that it's not "normal" for your age and the time that you've been married. It's still the honeymoon stage in my mind? Have you ever told her how you feel about her rejection? Not in a accusing sort of way to make her feel like shes doing something wrong (because that could make her shut down in defense and what will that get you?)

But how it makes you feel emotionally? Have you told her how she is the only person you are allowed to have sex with because you married her, and she is withholding from you and it is hurtful to you to feel rejected? Maybe she hasn't thought of it from that angle. Do you show affection to her without expecting sex from it? Will you hug her, hold her, massage her, just to be close to her? Do you know what to do to get her in the mood? Maybe you have approached her in a way that she doesn't like? Too forward or too fast with not enough foreplay? 

And you say in the beginning it was 4-5 X's per week. Did it seem like she liked it that often as much as you did? Or more like she only did it to please you? 

It could be her libido is down from BC if she is on it. My H and I were also 4-5 times a week on a reg. basis. For a time when I got on Mirena (hormonal IUD) it really lowered my libido and my H sensed I was different. I didn't get the urge to dress up anymore, pursue him, etc. I still have it in, and have really had to make it a mental effort to think about doing those things for him. Yes it seems more like a chore instead of "wanting" to do those things, but I know it's the hormones. We're past 10 years right now and average 3-4 times per week. 

I would suggest having an honest conversation to see what is behind her being this way.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

tnredd,
Your answers were great - very very helpful. 

I want to take you through some ideas I have. 

Lets just say hypothetically that your wife started off feeling desire 3-4 times a week. But you were radiating a sexual vibe at her 7 days a week. Hey I remember being in my mid twenties I KNOW how you feel. But the thing is SHE feels pressured/not good when you are radiating a constant sexual vibe at her even when she is not feeling anything. For some women, that constant vibe can make them feel smothered and it turns them off. 

Do you think you could try an experiment for a week or two. Ease up a little bit on the frequency that YOU initiate the I love yous and the hugs. If she initiates great. Say it back, hug her back. And do it with the same warmth sincerity you do now. 

Spend a little less time with her - go to the gym or something else that is good for you. 

And last and MOST important - stop with any and all sexual behavior. No touches, no comments, no looks. 

If you go out - and she dresses up - one sincere comment that she looks "great" and that is it. 

If she flirts with you - smile at her - let her flirt some more. But give her the space to come to you. If she initiates sex - go for it. Do not reject her. But then resume this behavior pattern until she lets you know by flirting or other means she WANTS sex again. 

One other important point. If she flirts and you flirt back but she doesn't do anything to move it forward. That is ok once. But if she does it a couple days in a row - or twice in 3 days - just look her in the eye and say "lets go to bed". Don't ask. Just "state" it like a fact or maybe even a command. 

If she rejects you at that point you need to calmly sit her down and explain the facts of life. 
1. You have been giving her space
2. Flirting is fine but it is abusive to flirt with a guy you are starving of sex - it smacks of either sadism or the desire to get the emotional jolt of being chased at the expense of the sanity of your male partner. NO MAN with a spine will tolerate a wife repeated teasing him sexually during a long dry spell of her creation. 

Does this make any sense at all?



tnredd said:


> Overall who projects more love at who? Specifically:
> - How often do you say "I love you" to each other? *everyday several times a day*
> 
> - Who typically says "I love you" first? *50/50*
> ...


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