# Girlfriend is HD but doesn't orgasm during sex



## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Hi everyone,
Not sure how common this one is, but I've always been impressed by the knowledge on this site. GF and I have been together for 6 years. She is 45, I'm 50. Sex life is great quality wise. As I said, she's HD. Her issue is that she has interstitial cystitis, which is a painful bladder condition. So, we can't have sex on a regular basis because it can cause a flare up. So, we manage that one as best as we can. She's never had an orgasm during sex since we've been together. I'll get her there either before or after manually. She said it's only happened once, with her ex husband many years ago. Said he just got the angle right or something and it happened, but not before or since! It's an odd place to be for me. She loves getting it on, but no O. She's pretty specific about positions. She wants to ride it cowgirl almost exclusively. Occasional missionary - that's how it happened the one time. Reverse cowgirl or doggie isn't comfortable for her.

So, asking the TAM crowd if anyone has a similar experience.

Thanks!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I know something you don't know.

Your GF is in the majority as most (> 50%, some estimates as high as 75%) women cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I have a high sex drive and have never once orgasmed from PIV. I still really enjoy it. So this is not really all that unusual at all.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I know something you don't know.
> 
> Your GF is in the majority as most (> 50%, some estimates as high as 75%) women cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone.


Thanks Cletus. We know the stats, and we've talked about that very thing. We've tried manual stimulation during sex, but she says it's too much stimulation then. I do think she's worried about a flare up. And she's confirmed that she's rolling along then that thought gets into her head and it kind of puts a brake on things.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> I have a high sex drive and have never once orgasmed from PIV. I still really enjoy it. So this is not really all that unusual at all.


Birds of a feather BW! Thanks for the reply.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Perhaps if you had six fingers (sorry, couldn't resist)


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Cletus said:


> I know something you don't know.
> 
> Your GF is in the majority as most (> 50%, some estimates as high as 75%) women cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone.


Except she said her ex-husband got her there once, because he did it the right way once. So she can orgasm that way. Unfortunately for her like many women, they are with men who aren't very good at getting them there.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

A lot of it is mental I think. If my wife and I are doing the same stuff that gets her there but she has a pain like one of her joints hurts it will either take her twice as long or she won’t get there at all from PIV. I almost cut my tongue biting it trying to hold out and keep the same technique going for long enough but sometimes I can go for let’s say 4x the average she needs and still nothing.

It’s a shame the combo of hand and PIV isn’t available to you because I have had success with that in different positions. Something like missionary I can only maybe get her for a second one without the hand because she needs the sensitivity from the first one for it to feel good enough if it is PIV only. The key there was I think for a long time I was doing it badly (hand). Had to have her explicitly show me and then basically let her drive with respect to the penetration part. So I rarely will go myself from it when I am using my hand.

You can also try something like a liberator pillow to change the angle. I haven’t had success with it although I have tried.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Personal said:


> she said her ex-husband got her there once, because he did it the right way once.


Once in 100 times ? 200 ? 1000 ? This only shows me that she has had one exceptional experience. The entire remainder of her experiences is the rule. The rule is that she cannot orgasm from PIV.

If her husband "did it the right way" once, he could certainly have continued "the right way".....I think, perhaps, he did, but the rule "ruled", not the exception.

She has a second obstacle which may allow no exceptions. Sadly, there is no "cure" for interstitial cystitis, only management. So your experiences and trials may be limited in number.


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## Intuitivewife (Dec 12, 2020)

Dread Pirate Roberts, firstly I can see that you truly want to please your wife which is 95% of the way to orgasm, so go with it. As a woman I know that direct touch of the opening to the clitoris, which is basically above where we urinate, can be painful. If your wife suffers from cystitis then this is a 'no go'. Any bacteria from your finger (and remember there are millions!) goes straight into the bladder, causing cystitis. Instead, press and circle your finger 1cm or more above the entrance (on top of the clitoris which is about 2cm long and the whole lot feels great) SLOWLY BUT FIRM at first, and ask her to shift your finger to where feels best. Once she is turned on by this, then enter her, as missionary is sensational! Continue pressing on this area (not at the entrance!!!) throughout until she climaxes - and believe me she will. If you assure her you will not touch the 'no go zone' she should relax. Also, I know that the sounds my husband makes when he's turned on, make me turned on even more, so show her you are turned on! I'm sure you know what to do but the main thing is to show her that she turns YOU on (no words just sounds)... Believe me it turns her on.


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## StillGoing (Dec 9, 2020)

Worrying about the sex during the sex could be enough distraction by itself to hinder orgasm. Don't underestimate it.


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## Intuitivewife (Dec 12, 2020)

StillGoing said:


> Worrying about the sex during the sex could be enough distraction by itself to hinder orgasm. Don't underestimate it.


Exactly!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Intuitivewife said:


> Exactly!


If my wife has anything in her mind besides being in the moment, she can't orgasm during PIV. If her mind is clear and in the moment she can have multiple orgasms during PIV. So the mental aspect is not to be underestimated. Some or as @Cletus says most women just never have an Orgasm during PIV. Having had an orgasm only one time ever during PIV would lead one to believe it was not the PIV that did it, but other stimulation immediately before PIV the arousal from which continued into PIV and the orgasm was more a result of the pre stimulation than the PIV. If that makes sense. For example if I perform oral on my wife and get her right to the edge and stop she can just sit there and continue to focus on orgasming and it will happen without any more touching.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Honestly, it's up to her to teach herself how to orgasm. Because men aren't psychics and every woman is different and some women are difficult to orgasm. It may have zero to do with logistics and everything to do with her either being able to relax and zone out or not. I have had that problem. The more I like a new man, the more I am not going to relax enough to just zone out and that's what you need to orgasm when you're a woman. So it could just be that alone. 

She needs to be masturbating by herself to see what works. Even then, not many women are 100% going to get off every time. Only advice I can give you is don't stop if she's starting to zone out and seems to be enjoying it. Guys sometimes tend to think that once they're starting to enjoy it and zone off is a good place to stop what they're doing and commence something else. It's not. Not if you want her to get off.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife has a friend that is very HD but never has a PIV orgasm. It’s no big deal and something you need to reconcile in your own mind and not hers. The more you talk about it with her the more she will become uneasy about it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Personal said:


> Except she said her ex-husband got her there once, because he did it the right way once. So she can orgasm that way. Unfortunately for her like many women, they are with men who aren't very good at getting them there.


Ouch, that's harsh! Once out of how many times so it's more likely she just randomly got off for reasons that had more to do with her than him. If he (the ex) had "the secret" then it's likely it would have happened after that. But it didn't. And hasn't since.

And now? She's worried about having an interstitial cystitis flare-up during sex. That's a pretty heavy braking maneuver on the brain's sex drive. She's likely not going to enjoy PIV enough to have an orgasm without paying a lot of attention to what's going on upstairs, either curing the interstitial cystitis or somehow disconnecting it from the pleasure of sex.

This is a scenario in which a lot of empathy is required. She's doing what she can, all the while knowing that pleasing her husband could cause a painful flare up of her cystitis. She deserves a lot of credit; she's bringing her A game to the relationship bedroom. She hasn't given up on sexual pleasure, for herself or her husband. 

I think technique can still be improved though. If she says it's too stimulating, PIV plus manual stimulation, there ought to be a place in the middle that can work out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Orgasms via other methods besides PIV count and are as valid as PIV orgasms. 

All orgasms matter.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Your title is misleading because your wife is able to orgasm during sex. She can't have orgasms during piv sex, but she can orgasm using other "sex" positions. 

Who cares how she orgasms. If you both have a good time just enjoy the moment!! I enjoy the closeness, I don't care where or how it happens!

I couldn't have piv sex while pregnant, but it felt absolutely great using other positions. 

Don't stress out about it!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you're talking about PIV, a whole lot of women don't get off on PIV alone. I'd like to see a statistic because I think the number is going to be high percentagewise. A lot of women to get off on PIV are going to have to also be having other stimulation at the same time. 

And just because she got off with one other guy that way doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong or he was doing anything right. Every woman is built different and every woman has an ideal size and shape that is optimal. Girth can be important because the optimum length and girth may also stimulate other than inside. That doesn't mean it has to be a lot of length or a lot of girth. It just means it has to be the right fit for that person. And angle can make a big difference. Some of that is controllable and some of it isn't. in general I would just say for the best chance of orgasm during PIV, one way or the other, they're also needs to be outside stimulation. So if you can get some traction while doing PIV, that's a good idea. If you can't you may have to use more than one appendage at the same time. As they say, the more the merrier!


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## StillGoing (Dec 9, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That doesn't mean it has to be a lot of length or a lot of girth. It just means it has to be the right fit for that person.


Absolutely. There is such a thing as too long and too thick. Too much stimulation isn't any better than too little stimulation (in general, some people get off on it).



DownByTheRiver said:


> And angle can make a big difference. Some of that is controllable and some of it isn't.


As an engineer, I like to compare this with the Angle of Attack in aerodynamics (just in my head, mind you, not usually out loud). You can throw air at an airplane all you want (or throw the airplane at the air, it really doesn't matter), if you don't hit it at the right angle it won't do you much good.

Different people prefer a different angle. Try missionary. Doggy. Her laying down on her stomach. Her laying down on her stomach with a cushion under her privates so her butt sticks up just a bit. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl (her facing your legs instead of your face).

There's a world of difference between positions, in part because it changes the angle.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

my first thought: have her orgasm from nipple play.

lightly start rubbing her breasts, kind of avoiding the nipples.
get her enticed. spend a good five minutes or so doing this.

then start lightly playing with the nipples with your fingers, one nipple at a time.
then start to suck them.
then suck one, while playing with the other nipple.

As she gets more and more into it, play a little harder and harder.

After 15 or 20 minutes of that, she should have a massive orgasm. give it a try, could be the start of something new for her.

you could amp it up by restraining her hands and feet too...blindfolding her, using feathers and furry gloves, etc


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Dread Pirate Roberts 

In addition to what others have already mentioned. Note that you don't need to change positions to change the angle, change the motion of the thrust to rub the right spot. Instead of jackhammering try rolling your thrusts.

The spot moves between sessions by the way, but focus on the first orgasm and go from there.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have a pretty good sex drive and have been known to orgasm from POV sometimes, but not all the time.

But I still prefer POV....I love the intimacy and even without an O it feels fantastic.

You're putting too much emphasis on it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have a pretty good sex drive and have been known to orgasm from POV sometimes, but not all the time.
> 
> But I still prefer POV....I love the intimacy and even without an O it feels fantastic.
> 
> You're putting too much emphasis on it.


Right there with you on that one. POV is almost sure fire when she is on top and has all the control...... and if that is what she is hunting for.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Right there with you on that one. POV is almost sure fire when she is on top and has all the control...... and if that is what she is hunting for.


Wait...what does POV mean...??


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Wait...what does POV mean...??


I meant PIV.....


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I meant PIV.....


Hmm...then I wonder what @Mr.Married meant...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Hmm...then I wonder what @Mr.Married meant...


I figured he knew what I meant, but maybe I'm wrong.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> I figured he knew what I meant, but maybe I'm wrong.


No penetration but something for her to rub against. Girl on top.

PIV ... P In V
POV .... P Out V


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If she's inhibited by worrying about getting another infection try making sure to wash up your parts,her parts, and both your hands with a disinfectant before getting started. This will reduce the risk and maybe put her more at ease.

But, if she's not unhappy with your sex life I think you should not make a big deal out of it. You'll only make her feel inadequate and that will definitely affect your sex life. If it's only happened once before as an accident, she does not think you are inadequate, believe me. It sounds like she's very pleased with your sex life. Enjoy it!!


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## StillGoing (Dec 9, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> wash up your parts,here parts, and both your hands with a disinfectant


Won't that dry her out? Not to get too technical, but the parts need to be a bit fatty and/or lubed up or it's going to itch afterwards. Not to mention it could get uncomfortable during the action.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

StillGoing said:


> Won't that dry her out? Not to get too technical, but the parts need to be a bit fatty and/or lubed up or it's going to itch afterwards. Not to mention it could get uncomfortable during the action.


I didn't say wash inside the vagina, wash the outside (the vulva) and just a quick wash to kill any germs that are lurking. A quick shower can take care of it too. Then I'm going to assume you're using foreplay to help get her ready, yes? Also if you're using any lubricants, look for ones that do not contain glycerin...those have too much sugar and can disrupt the yeast/bacteria balance and cause pain and discomfort as well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

StillGoing said:


> Won't that dry her out? Not to get too technical, but the parts need to be a bit fatty and/or lubed up or it's going to itch afterwards. Not to mention it could get uncomfortable during the action.


No one is saying to use Lysol 🙄 🙂🙂 !!

There are sensitive skin antibacterial soaps, and washing hands, toys, and etc, really should be standard practice anyway.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If she doesn’t masterbate, I am going to say she is not high drive. 
I have a good friend that “loves sex”. She never has orgasms and never masturbats. She doesn’t love sex, she loves feeling wanted and desired by men. She has really low self-esteem and sex makes her feel good about herself.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Another thing is why do you think she’s HD? Because she says so? Her actions don’t really say that do they.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Dread Pirate Roberts said:


> Hi everyone,
> Not sure how common this one is, but I've always been impressed by the knowledge on this site. GF and I have been together for 6 years. She is 45, I'm 50. Sex life is great quality wise. As I said, she's HD. Her issue is that she has interstitial cystitis, which is a painful bladder condition. So, we can't have sex on a regular basis because it can cause a flare up. So, we manage that one as best as we can. She's never had an orgasm during sex since we've been together. I'll get her there either before or after manually. She said it's only happened once, with her ex husband many years ago. Said he just got the angle right or something and it happened, but not before or since! It's an odd place to be for me. She loves getting it on, but no O. She's pretty specific about positions. She wants to ride it cowgirl almost exclusively. Occasional missionary - that's how it happened the one time. Reverse cowgirl or doggie isn't comfortable for her.
> 
> So, asking the TAM crowd if anyone has a similar experience.
> ...


The same position she came from with her ex, may not be the same postural she will come from, with you, unless you have identical penises...It is partly to do with shape/size of her ex’s penis.

While it is true that the majority of women don’t orgasm from sex alone, it doesn’t none of them CAN. The fact that she did with her ex and mentioned the ‘perfect angle’ to you (what is she; a sadist?), means that she probably can orgasm from PIV, under the ‘right’ circumstances.

Find a position with which you can hit her g spot best, be steady (don’t go too fast too soon or in bursts; even if it feels good for you. They don’t like that.) Try to figure about the plot line of the movie ‘Tenet’ if you think you are getting there too soon.

Also if she doesn’t orgasm from sex with you, it doesn’t mean it’s worse than with her ex..


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> All orgasms matter.


Yeah but the PIV ones are the ones that have historically received the most prejudice. 
This belongs in the politics section


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> No penetration but something for her to rub against. Girl on top.
> 
> PIV ... P In V
> POV .... P Out V


Don’t you need a bit of both?


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I've been off the grid for several days and am just now checking in. Thanks for all the replies! I'm not sure how to reply to all of you, but will figure something out in the next day or so.

DPR


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Imperfections said:


> Don’t you need a bit of both?


Is that what's going on in your avatar...?? Lolol!!!!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion it is important to try and appreciate the following:

The drive to orgasm is not the same for males and females. Transgendered folks M2F and F2M both report that the male drive to orgasm is significant and strong while females don't really have a drive/need to orgasm (although females are capable of stronger orgasms than males due to the lack of refractory hormones that stop the experience). 
At the age of 50 certain aspects of sex become more important than an orgasm, like an emotional connection. So don't distract from a sexual experience by comparing performances. Just let it be and try to be emotionally present and enjoy what ever happens. 
If you worry about something, one or both of you may end up with performance anxiety and sex will no longer be enjoyable. It can turn into something where each worries about letting the other down if the experience isn't good enough, and that is the beginning of the end.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Buy her a sybian and watch the rodeo!🤠


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> The drive to orgasm is not the same for males and females. Transgendered folks M2F and F2M both report that the male drive to orgasm is significant and strong while females don't really have a drive/need to orgasm (although females are capable of stronger orgasms than males due to the lack of refractory hormones that stop the experience).


Considering the biological fact that M2F transgender women, don't actually have a clitoris or functioning vagina, they have absolutely no idea what a biological woman's orgasm or desire for orgasm feels like.

Congratulations on jumping the shark.



> At the age of 50 certain aspects of sex become more important than an orgasm,


LOL

My wife is 50 and as surprising as this may be to you, she isn't dead yet and still has a sex drive.

Of which her getting frequent orgasms from sex remains extremely important to her. To the point that she relates that absent mostly getting orgasm during sex she wouldn't want to have sex.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Dread Pirate,

You mentioned that you are able to get her off manually congratulations.

My W has never liked manual from me and it has always irked me, it was a form of intimacy denied to me, she told me her form of masturbation was rubbing against a pillow, I accepted this explanation.

Years into our marriage she told me she can get off very fast by rubbing her clit. She told me because I caught her masturbating next to me when she thought I was asleep. 

I have contemplated Divorce over this detail it's almost as bad as her affairs, I'm jealous that your GF allows you this deep connection.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> Dread Pirate,
> 
> You mentioned that you are able to get her off manually congratulations.
> 
> ...


But she doesn't appreciate the fact it's something you would like to do with her, for her?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Personal said:


> Considering the biological fact that M2F transgender women, don't actually have a clitoris or functioning vagina, they have absolutely no idea what a biological woman's orgasm or desire for orgasm feels like.


From my understanding (I could be wrong), I think it is just a matter of brain chemistry and not so much about body parts. 

Testosterone ≠ Progesterone when it comes to the experienced drive and desire to orgasm in the brain.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

badsanta said:


> From my understanding (I could be wrong), I think it is just a matter of brain chemistry and not so much about body parts.
> 
> Testosterone ≠ Progesterone when it comes to the experienced drive and desire to orgasm in the brain.


There is a guy here ( on TAM) who is dating a woman who used to be a man. He says she can bust a nut/ovary just fine.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ragnar, 

You wrote, *But she doesn't appreciate the fact it's something you would like to do with her, for her?*

No she does not, she treats my efforts as a annoyance.

It's like she has different areas of intimacy and some people just aren't allowed in some areas, and it feels like I've been demoted as a person.

I've asked her how to masturbate her but she never gave much of an answer. If she had never masturbated herself this would not be an issue, but I know she used two methods at least in the past, rubbing the clit and humping a pillow.


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