# I was cheated on but how do I know she wants it to work out



## SR125H

I am 13 years married with two kids. We have had our ups and downs and in particular very big downs with my wife having a major back op and us caring for terminally ill dad. I know we have had some challenges in our relationship but seemingly it is often that it comes over that I am not listening or nagging me to do practical stuff. I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.

The bomb shell his last month after 3 months of really trying support my wife through her operation I was just getting no response and infact she was pretty much giving absent from the relationship.

I broke down one night through the pressure of everything as I had been looking after her and the kids and holding down a job. In fact two jobs. She said she loved me but did not feel in love. I argued that this feeling is not going to be as strong and love is very much a doing word. I tried to convince her to go to counselling and she reluctantly did. Along side this she was late coming to bed I thought she could not sleep due to the back. Then when she was well enough she started going out late to 3am with friends. Then there was the new lingerie and the phone constant usage and high bill. Anyway I discovered in the end she was having very intimate chats with my sons soccer coach who I had considered a friend. I confronted her and she stormed out then return with the coach midnight trying to explain it was all silliness. He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down. I should add the week after she told me this she went away for two nights to get some space apparently alone. 

I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.

She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair

she wants me to allow my son to play for this team still and blames me for saying I need this guy to be shut out of our family. I rationalise that my son will find new friends in time and a stabe family is more important. 

She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.

She says she is trying yet thinks she has not got the feeling and that she needs this to progress. she then does not want to talk about anything until the councilling yet when we are there she cannot think of things that she think can be worked on.

It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.


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## Voltaire

She is not taking responsibility and is trying to shift blame for her decisions onto you. Until she stops doing this and starts showing some real remorse she is not ready to reconcile. That is not to say that she will not get there, but she is not there yet. And it certainly won't happen whilst the coach is in the picture.

Presumably you have a lot of leverage with the coach - he could lose his reputation if not his job if he is known to have had an inappropriate relationship with a mother. Use this leverage. I don't think that he would have come to your house if he wasn't concerned about the consequences.


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## MattMatt

Your wife lives a consequence free life and refuses to accept responsibility for her actions. She needs to learn about them. Now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin

SR125H said:


> I am 13 years married with two kids. We have had our ups and downs and in particular very big downs with my wife having a major back op and us caring for terminally ill dad. I know we have had some challenges in our relationship but seemingly it is often that it comes over that I am not listening or nagging me to do practical stuff. I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.
> 
> The bomb shell his last month after 3 months of really trying support my wife through her operation I was just getting no response and infact she was pretty much giving absent from the relationship.
> 
> I broke down one night through the pressure of everything as I had been looking after her and the kids and holding down a job. In fact two jobs. She said she loved me but did not feel in love. I argued that this feeling is not going to be as strong and love is very much a doing word. I tried to convince her to go to counselling and she reluctantly did. Along side this she was late coming to bed I thought she could not sleep due to the back. Then when she was well enough she started going out late to 3am with friends. Then there was the new lingerie and the phone constant usage and high bill. Anyway I discovered in the end she was having very intimate chats with my sons soccer coach who I had considered a friend. I confronted her and she stormed out then return with the coach midnight trying to explain it was all silliness. He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down. I should add the week after she told me this she went away for two nights to get some space apparently alone.
> 
> I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.
> 
> She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair
> 
> she wants me to allow my son to play for this team still and blames me for saying I need this guy to be shut out of our family. I rationalise that my son will find new friends in time and a stabe family is more important.
> 
> She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.
> 
> She says she is trying yet thinks she has not got the feeling and that she needs this to progress. she then does not want to talk about anything until the councilling yet when we are there she cannot think of things that she think can be worked on.
> 
> It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.


God it's depressing 

Welcome my friend to this bastard club.

You will sadly find everything on this site to help you deal with this
I'd suggest have a good look at various links 'the 180' technology threads to help you nail down what's been going on. Read up on trickle truthing gaslighting rugsweeping dday etc as you will need to understand what all of this means to help you deal with what's coming.

Christ I've said this so often to people on here I feel like I'm prepping an army for a small war !! 

Sadly I s'pose that is the truth of it - it is in fact a 'war' of sorts


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## rrrbbbttt

Expose the affair. As long as it is kept in the dark she will continue to Blame Shift. 

Do the 180

She needs to write the NC letter.

Seperate your finances to protect yourself.

Get a VAR and keep it with you and make sure it is on when you talk to her.

Put a VAR in her car.

Yes, as HEADSPIN stated you are at War.


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## SR125H

Thanks I am trying to locate the 180 info and other things. Its scary as I feel I am reading very similar things...


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## alte Dame

It is all similar. People behave in very similar ways. That means that the experience here can help you if you use it.

You should expose to the OMW right away. Really, do it yesterday.

The 180 helps to make you strong enough to handle things in a more confident way:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck! Remember above all else at this stage that she will lie about everything. If you get any information from her it will be a complete lie or bits and pieces of the truth. As you said, it's all similar & she will be no different.

So sorry that this happened to you.


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## GutPunch

Tell the soccer coaches wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SR125H

Thanks for info I return from abroad in a few days. I do not know what her thinking will be. Currently our phone calls are difficult she seems to not want to openly talk and then snaps at me over things like when her skype does not work she shouts at me down the phone as if I was somehow responsible for her incompetence.

I exposed her to her mum, sister, my sister, my mum and dad and our closest friends.

I do not have the mobile of the OM wife but I know the landline and know the address etc. I was thinking of leaving her a note to contact my work phone. or just trying to call her during the day. He tends to work hours to his pleasure hence why he managed to take advantage of the situation.

I was thinking on the lines just being brave and saying.

Even though I am away abroad I can still she she is facebook which mean online around midnight she then complains when she is in hurry in the morning. I am thinking on the lines of some boundaries that think are not unreasonable

1) no contact with this guy.
2) share all her passwords - at least the ones I know about
3) We both go to bed at same time and gadgets stay off.
4) We only go out past midnight when together.
5) Not so happy as she has made a friend who is divorcing for second time and she is now spending loads of time with her. I have told her this is not compatible with a marriage. Ignored.


Other things that have been in the mix
1) I always say I love you and I sort of get I love you back. should I stop doing this and see if she says this first.

2) our councillor asked us both three days after i exposed her out 10 how much do you want the marriage to work. She said 6.
Twice now I have said that is not good enough. I recognise that it takes time to heal a marriage after this but for me she needs to want this 100% I even said she has until I come back from abroad and if no progress then I would consider divorce and I would want full access to kids. She thinks I am black mailing her to which I replied I am giving her choices and I not wait for long for her to make a choice to save the marriage. I have said I am willing and I know that the marriage was a good one and one worth saving but not at the cost of my dignity.


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## workindad

Do not tip your hand to your wife that you will be contacting OMW just do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt

I think you know, unless she is committed to saving the marriage 100% this R will not work. She is in the FOG and doing the Woe is Me thing trying to manipulate you. Do not let it happen because it will be 10 times worse for you and your children if you let her manipuate you.

Prepare yourself. 

Per your posts; As of right now she is not willing to do the work to heal the marriage and if it is all left up to you and/or she gives a half hearted attempt it will not work.

Last Point, Do not let your children play soccer on the POS team


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## warlock07

Stop being a servant to your wife. Cut off the money. Expose the OM at his work and other parents.


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## SomedayDig

She's reluctant to admit to an affair.

Hmmm...so kissing is!?!!

Oh, that's right. Not JUST kissing. Kissing is stuff that kids in grade school do. Adults don't just kiss. So, make sure you're totally in line with that thinking first and foremost.

Next, you really need to read the 180 link. It is vital for someone in your position right now. She might be your wife and you might love her and all that fun stuff - but she's the enemy at this point.

And the OM coming to your house to play it down? Nothing is more disrespectful than that - AND your wife went to get him to bring him there, all the while they came up with their spin story to you. Absolutely atrocious behavior!!

She needs BIG consequences. She needs them pronto.


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello SR125H, 

Your wife has some BALLS to leave you after initial confrontation and returning at midnight with her OM (Soccer coach) then ganging up on you, making you the guilty party in all this. Your wife just *HUMILIATED YOU *in your *OWN HOME*, where your *OWN KIDS *are asleep in front of her *OM (Soccer Coach). **Excuse ME!* *You have the REAL BALLS in this Marriage! NOT HER!*



> “He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down.”


This is called a PA (She’s cheating on you behind your back and now in front you!!!!!!!!) *MAN-UP!*



> “I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.”


Right! Contact the Soccer Coach’s wife and inform her on everything that’s been going on. She has a *RIGHT TO KNOW!* *Blow this UP!*

Contact the school I’m sure the Soccer Coach has broken some rules here, which ones I don’t know, but contact the HR department/Headmaster/Headmistress and update them on what their favourite Soccer Coach is “*playing away*” with a married woman whose children are under his supervision.



> “She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair”


*Simple!* Gather all the information you have about the EA/PA and get a VAR and carry it on you at ALL times when talking to your wife and Soccer Coach, get them to reconfirm everything again. Now you have *written* and *verbal proof of an EA/PA between them*. Before you go to work, leave the *Divorce papers (unsigned) on the table*, as soon as your wife sees it, she’ll know you mean business. If she can’t OR won’t admit to the affair then sign the papers and give it her and leave it at that. Watch her reaction.



> “She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.”


What a load of Bollocks! Your wife has them and she’s blaming you for everything. *But*, your last sentence shows you are seeing the light – keeping thinking, talking and writing like that, she’ll soon get the message loud and clear:smthumbup:.

Here’s something for you to think about. When you confronted her, she left the house and went to the Soccer Coach and dragged him back to your place at midnight. 

*1.* How did she know where he was that evening?
*2.* How long was she gone from the time she left and returned with her Soccer Coach? (Trying to match up their stories?)

Read the first paragraph on the top again! 
*LOOK, YOUR WIFE HUMILIATED YOU! IN YOUR OWN HOME BY MAKING YOU A SMALL AND PATHETIC LITTLE MAN, IN FRONT OF THE SOCCER COACH, HER OM SHE’S HAVING AN EA/PA WITH. THERE’S BEEN INTIMATE CHATS AND THE SOCCER COACH ADMITTED SEVERAL KISSES TAKING PLACE (WHAT ELSE? I THINK MUCH MORE, AND SO DO YOU AND EVERYONE READING YOUR STORY). HE KNOWS HIMSELF THEY HAVE COMMITTED ADULTERY AND I SUSPECT FEELS SLIGHTLY ASHAMED AT BEING DRAGGED OUT AT MIDNIGHT TO YOUR HOME. CONTACT THE SOCCER COACH’S WIFE.*

Sorry it hurts, but it needed saying!



> “I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.”


*You will only see your real strength when you are at your weakest. MAN-UP!​*
Regards, FTP 


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## Headspin

SR125H said:


> Thanks for info I return from abroad in a few days. I do not know what her thinking will be. Currently our phone calls are difficult she seems to not want to openly talk and then snaps at me over things like when her skype does not work she shouts at me down the phone as if I was somehow responsible for her incompetence.
> 
> I exposed her to her mum, sister, my sister, my mum and dad and our closest friends.
> 
> I do not have the mobile of the OM wife but I know the landline and know the address etc. I was thinking of leaving her a note to contact my work phone. or just trying to call her during the day. He tends to work hours to his pleasure hence why he managed to take advantage of the situation.
> 
> I was thinking on the lines just being brave and saying.
> 
> Even though I am away abroad I can still she she is facebook which mean online around midnight she then complains when she is in hurry in the morning. I am thinking on the lines of some boundaries that think are not unreasonable
> 
> 1) no contact with this guy.
> 2) share all her passwords - at least the ones I know about
> 3) We both go to bed at same time and gadgets stay off.
> 4) We only go out past midnight when together.
> 5) Not so happy as she has made a friend who is divorcing for second time and she is now spending loads of time with her. I have told her this is not compatible with a marriage. Ignored.
> 
> 
> Other things that have been in the mix
> 1) I always say I love you and I sort of get I love you back. should I stop doing this and see if she says this first.
> 
> 2) our councillor asked us both three days after i exposed her out 10 how much do you want the marriage to work. She said 6.


Just check out this new thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/75346-my-marriage-went-down-drain-6-hours.html and find out what can happen when OM wife is told !!


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## Ovid

SHe's trying to blame shift and rug sweep. Start doing the 180. Get some time to clear your head.


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## GutPunch

She is in the fog. Start the 180. Forget the MC it is a waste of money. He is already concocting a story for his wife about one of
the crazy Dad's on the soccer team who thinks his wife is having an A with me. Blow it up. Get those text and facebook messages. 
Blow it up.


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## Tony55

SR125H said:


> It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.


This will begin turning around the moment she ceases to exist in your mind as a woman you love. Now what am I saying here? I'm saying, regardless of how you feel inside, from here on out you need to behave as if she's irrelevant. Acknowledge her, be cordial to her, treat her the way you would treat a good buddy, but nothing more. This will draw her back into you, you will, through your aloofness become more attractive to her.

This is a game. If you plan to win, you better get good at it. Your character is the strong, fair, kind, confident one, play it, be it, and you'll win.

T


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## Kallan Pavithran

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello SR125H,
> 
> *Your wife has some BALLS to leave you after initial confrontation and returning at midnight with her OM (Soccer coach) then ganging up on you, making you the guilty party in all this. Your wife just HUMILIATED YOU in your OWN HOME, where your OWN KIDS are asleep in front of her OM (Soccer Coach). Excuse ME! You have the REAL BALLS in this Marriage! NOT HER!*
> 
> 
> *He admitted kissing her to you And she is still your wife..........*:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> This is called a PA (She’s cheating on you behind your back and now in front you!!!!!!!!) *MAN-UP!*
> 
> 
> 
> *Right! Contact the Soccer Coach’s wife and inform her on everything that’s been going on. She has a RIGHT TO KNOW! Blow this UP![/U]*
> 
> Contact the school I’m sure the Soccer Coach has broken some rules here, which ones I don’t know, but contact the HR department/Headmaster/Headmistress and update them on what their favourite Soccer Coach is “*playing away*” with a married woman whose children are under his supervision.
> 
> 
> 
> *Simple!* Gather all the information you have about the EA/PA and get a VAR and carry it on you at ALL times when talking to your wife and Soccer Coach, get them to reconfirm everything again. Now you have *written* and *verbal proof of an EA/PA between them*. Before you go to work, leave the *Divorce papers (unsigned) on the table*, as soon as your wife sees it, she’ll know you mean business. If she can’t OR won’t admit to the affair then sign the papers and give it her and leave it at that. Watch her reaction.
> 
> 
> 
> What a load of Bollocks! Your wife has them and she’s blaming you for everything. *But*, your last sentence shows you are seeing the light – keeping thinking, talking and writing like that, she’ll soon get the message loud and clear:smthumbup:.
> 
> Here’s something for you to think about. When you confronted her, she left the house and went to the Soccer Coach and dragged him back to your place at midnight.
> 
> *1.* How did she know where he was that evening?
> *2.* How long was she gone from the time she left and returned with her Soccer Coach? (Trying to match up their stories?)
> 
> Read the first paragraph on the top again!
> *LOOK, YOUR WIFE HUMILIATED YOU! IN YOUR OWN HOME BY MAKING YOU A SMALL AND PATHETIC LITTLE MAN, IN FRONT OF THE SOCCER COACH, HER OM SHE’S HAVING AN EA/PA WITH. THERE’S BEEN INTIMATE CHATS AND THE SOCCER COACH ADMITTED SEVERAL KISSES TAKING PLACE (WHAT ELSE? I THINK MUCH MORE, AND SO DO YOU AND EVERYONE READING YOUR STORY). HE KNOWS HIMSELF THEY HAVE COMMITTED ADULTERY AND I SUSPECT FEELS SLIGHTLY ASHAMED AT BEING DRAGGED OUT AT MIDNIGHT TO YOUR HOME. CONTACT THE SOCCER COACH’S WIFE.*
> 
> Sorry it hurts, but it needed saying!
> 
> 
> 
> *You will only see your real strength when you are at your weakest. MAN-UP!​*
> Regards, FTP 






Read the 180 and bring your balls back to its original place. Stay strong and be a man not a doormat.


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## SR125H

Headspin said:


> Just check out this new thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/75346-my-marriage-went-down-drain-6-hours.html and find out what can happen when OM wife is told !!


Painful to admit that you are all likely right. Just very hard to stick with the hard line approach. I have stuck to my guns re son playing for the team and made it clear I am not punishing him for her wrong doing rather that this is a consequence that she needs to take responsibility for. She tried to say that she will just tell my son what had happened I think to try and make me back down. I simply said she only needs to tell him that the coach has not selected him and thats that.

Not sure how to approach my wifes recent friendship with this other girl friend. She is a month and half into her second break up after a number of years ago leaving her man and leaving the kids. One of the texts that I had noticed was that they were out and some guy had approached them and asked for a drink. My thinking is that she was being actively encouraged to pull a guy. It seems to be that this friendship has been consistent in timing with the decline in our relationship.

Funny thing this morning when I called from abroad I did not say I love you and just said bye. She then replied love you too!! I then said I did not say I loved you.. She was in autopilot...


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## SR125H

So I have read through some of the 180 stuff. 

My minds says maybe that is the right thing. On the other hand she says part of the reason our issues is that I do not listen and I am not emotionally meeting her needs. Then again when I ask her when she has had arguments before what we agreed to do she cannot remember yet thinks that I did not try and she did. Reason is the arguments go along the lines I need to do stuff and not her. I have to say part of the problem is I have let her just rule the house. Our close friends have been good recently and told me that she speaks to me like I am a bit of dirt and she is a spoilt something. 

Any tips to handle the following scenarios during this time.

1) Wife says she wants to go out clubbing with friend
2) When she says she does not feel in love 
3) When she says I need to listen more
4) I have told her that if she cannot get to want the marriage 100% then I would speak to lawyers and would want the kids and she says I am blackmailing
5) When she is disrespectful on the phone by not wanting to chat
6) when she say i am not fun anymore. She has a point I have found it hard to pull on the energies to enjoy fun with friends, dance laugh and have fun whilst trying to manage the family her illness, our finances, my job and the kids. I even fell asleep once when around our freinds late one evening due to exhaustion. She says that makes her feel less loving. I can see her point but boy she has not once showed any appreciation for the sacrifice I have made. For the whole time I cared for her no thanks just complaints that jobs have not been done and that things have not been put back in the exactly place... Any suggestions welcome. I am not a bad husband just like many others I am not perfect and I think her expectations are too high.


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## GutPunch

180 is for you.

She is a cheater.

She has no respect for you.

Married Mans Sex Life Primer

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Get these two books.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

Expose to his wife asap!


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## GutPunch

tom67 said:


> Expose to his wife asap!


Tell me you got this done today right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL

SR125H said:


> So I have read through some of the 180 stuff.
> 
> My minds says maybe that is the right thing. On the other hand she says part of the reason our issues is that I do not listen and I am not emotionally meeting her needs. Then again when I ask her when she has had arguments before what we agreed to do she cannot remember yet thinks that I did not try and she did. Reason is the arguments go along the lines I need to do stuff and not her. I have to say part of the problem is I have let her just rule the house. Our close friends have been good recently and told me that she speaks to me like I am a bit of dirt and she is a spoilt something.
> 
> Any tips to handle the following scenarios during this time.
> 
> 1) Wife says she wants to go out clubbing with friend
> 2) When she says she does not feel in love
> 3) When she says I need to listen more
> 4) I have told her that if she cannot get to want the marriage 100% then I would speak to lawyers and would want the kids and she says I am blackmailing
> 5) When she is disrespectful on the phone by not wanting to chat
> 6) when she say i am not fun anymore. She has a point I have found it hard to pull on the energies to enjoy fun with friends, dance laugh and have fun whilst trying to manage the family her illness, our finances, my job and the kids. I even fell asleep once when around our freinds late one evening due to exhaustion. She says that makes her feel less loving. I can see her point but boy she has not once showed any appreciation for the sacrifice I have made. For the whole time I cared for her no thanks just complaints that jobs have not been done and that things have not been put back in the exactly place... Any suggestions welcome. I am not a bad husband just like many others I am not perfect and I think her expectations are too high.



The 180 is for you to heal and get yourself in a good place. You need to file for Divorce I know you love her but you do not need to be with her if she is going to disrespect you and sleep with others. This is simple until she actually shows real remorse she will continue to degrade you cheater always do this because this way they don't feel like crap. She is blaming it all on you because you have not stood up for yourself you need to tell her that if she not longer loves you and disrespects you all the time that is not a marriage it is just person abusing you. You need to go 180 and start the paper work. You will never get a good marriage out of this until she take ownership of HER OWN ACTIONS. At this point you are not even standing up for yourself. She should be doing a No Contact letter to the man which she hands to you so that you can send it. She should be starting a written timeline for you. She should be remorseful for her actions. None of this has she done. FILE the paper work and go 180

1: NO CLUBBING she goes you divorce
2: Then you need a divorce as you are married because you love each other no love no marriage so file
3: Well listen more but this is no excuse for the affair but you probably could do with marriage counseling.
5: Disrespecful then you need to file do you want to married to a person who treats you like shyte?
6: She wants to be single so let her go with a divorce she can have all the single life she wants.

Also lets be honest she is the one that betrayed her vows, she betrayed her children, she betrayed your love, she betrayed you trust, she betrayed you life. Do not be easy on her this is her mess and she needs to clean it up. If the kids are upset she needs to tell them that she screwed up and that is why they have to change teams. This is her mess you are being way to easy on her.


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## carolinadreams

SR125H said:


> So I have read through some of the 180 stuff.
> 
> My minds says maybe that is the right thing. On the other hand she says part of the reason our issues is that I do not listen and I am not emotionally meeting her needs. Then again when I ask her when she has had arguments before what we agreed to do she cannot remember yet thinks that I did not try and she did. Reason is the arguments go along the lines I need to do stuff and not her. I have to say part of the problem is I have let her just rule the house. Our close friends have been good recently and told me that she speaks to me like I am a bit of dirt and she is a spoilt something.
> 
> Any tips to handle the following scenarios during this time.
> 
> 1) Wife says she wants to go out clubbing with friend
> She can do all the clubbing she want's when yall are divorced
> 2) When she says she does not feel in love
> Love is a choice, and she's chosing to fill her heart with another woman's husband.
> 3) When she says I need to listen more
> Maybe, is she saying anything worth hearing - the stuff she has said so far is foggy rationalization, caking eating whorse-code.
> 4) I have told her that if she cannot get to want the marriage 100% then I would speak to lawyers and would want the kids and she says I am blackmailing
> Boundaries are inconvenient to cheating.
> 5) When she is disrespectful on the phone by not wanting to chat
> 6) when she say i am not fun anymore. She has a point I have found it hard to pull on the energies to enjoy fun with friends, dance laugh and have fun whilst trying to manage the family her illness, our finances, my job and the kids. I even fell asleep once when around our freinds late one evening due to exhaustion. She says that makes her feel less loving. I can see her point but boy she has not once showed any appreciation for the sacrifice I have made. For the whole time I cared for her no thanks just complaints that jobs have not been done and that things have not been put back in the exactly place... Any suggestions welcome. I am not a bad husband just like many others I am not perfect and I think her expectations are too high.


You should be your wife's primary recreational partner, you have to do some repairs first, starting with her acknowledging the affair, stopping all contact, and going to see a counselor.

Expose to the other man's wife, he's going to have a hard time chasing yours when he is in full panic mode. If you have any nice guy inside you , you need to bury it.


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## SR125H

GutPunch said:


> Tell me you got this done today right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am on the other side of the world for another week so exposing to OMW is a tad difficult. I have a couple of options. 1) do it once I am home. 2) get my friend to post a letter into her car door to call me or make contact.. what do you think. My friend was knows everything and would be happy to tell her but I kind of think I should as a man manning up!


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## GutPunch

Do it when you get back.

If you have hard evidence let her see it.

Shyt will hit the fan as your wife will not
be expecting her doormat to do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301

Maybe you should tell her that if she's well enough to go clubbing and well enough to suck face with the soccer coach, she's well enough to go get a job and help out rather than you work two jobs Let her know that if you didn't have to work two jobs to support her and her bad back you would have the time to spend with her. Sometimes I think there are people in this world that need to be spun around and have a foot lodged between the cheeks of their a$$ so far up that they crap shoe laces and shoe leather for the rest of their lives. Maybe they would wake up and start thinking about someone rather than their own selfish self. 
Also. Don't wait. Call that clowns wife or go see her and let her know what's going on. The guy shouldn't have the right to have a free ride on your dime.


----------



## SR125H

6301 said:


> Maybe you should tell her that if she's well enough to go clubbing and well enough to suck face with the soccer coach, she's well enough to go get a job and help out rather than you work two jobs Let her know that if you didn't have to work two jobs to support her and her bad back you would have the time to spend with her. Sometimes I think there are people in this world that need to be spun around and have a foot lodged between the cheeks of their a$$ so far up that they crap shoe laces and shoe leather for the rest of their lives. Maybe they would wake up and start thinking about someone rather than their own selfish self.
> Also. Don't wait. Call that clowns wife or go see her and let her know what's going on. The guy shouldn't have the right to have a free ride on your dime.


called their home today grandmother answered so figured best not to scare her to death. OM was walking dog and BW was at work.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

> Not sure how to approach my wifes recent friendship with this other girl friend. She is a month and half into her second break up after a number of years ago leaving her man and leaving the kids. One of the texts that I had noticed was that they were out and some guy had approached them and asked for a drink. My thinking is that she was being actively encouraged to pull a guy. It seems to be that this friendship has been consistent in timing with the decline in our relationship.


You wife’s new girlfriend has *torpedoed her own relationship *and his now living “The life of Riley”. She has freed herself from her life with her “*man and kids*” and is foot loose and fancy free chasing and shagging any man she wants. 

That’s your wife’s new girlfriend? *Oh dear...*

This woman has given your wife a taste of what single life use to be like, and she likes it. Your wife’s girlfriend is a *TOXIC GIRLFRIEND *whose morality went down the toilet when she left her “*man and kids*”. Deep down she miserable and wants and needs someone like her to continue her new life style. You’ve heard the saying *Mersey Loves Company!*, *THERE YOU GO!*

*To SAVE your MARRIAGE/FAMILY, KILL THIS FRIENDSHIP NOW!*​
FTP


----------



## SR125H

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> You wife’s new girlfriend has *torpedoed her own relationship *and his now living “The life of Riley”. She has freed herself from her life with her “*man and kids*” and is foot loose and fancy free chasing and shagging any man she wants.
> 
> That’s your wife’s new girlfriend? *Oh dear...*
> 
> This woman has given your wife a taste of what single life use to be like, and she likes it. Your wife’s girlfriend is a *TOXIC GIRLFRIEND *whose morality went down the toilet when she left her “*man and kids*”. Deep down she miserable and wants and needs someone like her to continue her new life style. You’ve heard the saying *Mersey Loves Company!*, *THERE YOU GO!*
> 
> *To SAVE your MARRIAGE/FAMILY, KILL THIS FRIENDSHIP NOW!*​
> FTP


so how do you kill the friendship. I say to my wife its not healthy yet she still talks on fb and meets her incidently with a friend who is closer and who works with this girl hence how she knows. this girl is also it seems on the edge of a break up with two kids. 

Its a bit complicated hey


----------



## bryanp

She brings back the OM to your home to humiliate you even more with the OM saying it was just kissing? Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever and pretty much knows that you will do everything to get her to remain with you. Why would she respect you at all and now her with this toxic girlfriend on top of it.

If the roles were reversed would your wife have accepted you bringing back to OW to your home to tell her that it was just kissing? I doubt it. The more needy you are the less attractive you are to her. How can you not see this? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## barbados

SR125H said:


> so how do you kill the friendship. I say to my wife its not healthy yet she still talks on fb and meets her incidently with a friend who is closer and who works with this girl hence how she knows. this girl is also it seems on the edge of a break up with two kids.
> 
> Its a bit complicated hey


Consequences. That is how. It is a common saying on TAM/CWI that to save your marriage you have to be willing to end it.

You tell her the friendship ends NOW, or D begins NOW !


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

SR125H said:


> 2) our councillor asked us both three days after i exposed her out 10 how much do you want the marriage to work. She said 6.


Sorry, I'd leave. Let's be real, 60% is a percentage point above an F. F is a failed marriage. For me that isn't enough especially, when it is said during counseling.

Anyway, you have to blow everything up and set consequences. That is all you can do. As long as those toxic friends and facebook exist, you'll work nothing out.


----------



## Pomlover

From experience she's still lying and she def slept with him or gave him head. There is a strange need to tell our husband the truth but not the whole truth to make it seem less severe. But then I realized it all comes out eventually so no better time than now to divulge in full.


----------



## Pomlover

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> You wife’s new girlfriend has *torpedoed her own relationship *and his now living “The life of Riley”. She has freed herself from her life with her “*man and kids*” and is foot loose and fancy free chasing and shagging any man she wants.
> 
> That’s your wife’s new girlfriend? *Oh dear...*
> 
> This woman has given your wife a taste of what single life use to be like, and she likes it. Your wife’s girlfriend is a *TOXIC GIRLFRIEND *whose morality went down the toilet when she left her “*man and kids*”. Deep down she miserable and wants and needs someone like her to continue her new life style. You’ve heard the saying *Mersey Loves Company!*, *THERE YOU GO!*
> 
> *To SAVE your MARRIAGE/FAMILY, KILL THIS FRIENDSHIP NOW!*​
> FTP


Agreed, I have a bad influence friend that does the same types of things I do. My BH ave me dropping the friendship as one of his ultimatums if R is an option.


----------



## Machiavelli

SR125H said:


> so how do you kill the friendship. I say to my wife its not healthy yet she still talks on fb and meets her incidently with a friend who is closer and who works with this girl hence how she knows. this girl is also it seems on the edge of a break up with two kids.
> 
> Its a bit complicated hey


Not complicated at all. Affairs run through female social circles like a virus, as do the divorces that follow on their heels.

You've already been told to download and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer." Most guys usually need MMSL first, but you need to read NMMNG first. Tonight.

And don't let your wife know you're reading this stuff or posting here.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> so how do you kill the friendship. I say to my wife its not healthy yet she still talks on fb and meets her incidently with a friend who is closer and who works with this girl hence how she knows. this girl is also it seems on the edge of a break up with two kids.
> 
> Its a bit complicated hey


So, there's yet another girlfriend that's close to becoming foot loose and fancy free! Your wife now has a social circle/group of toxic girlfriends, great, just great. You have to declare WAR NOW. *When it rains it pours!* 

Your wife needs *NEW *friends who understand what simple words like, PROMISE, VOWS, REAL FRIENDSHIP etc. means, and when broken, there's a price to pay; and it's *ALWAYS a HIGH PRICE TO PAY*.

You won't like this, but understand I'm on your side. Since your wife is cheating and playing “*Dumbo*” to the affair, it’s time for you to play “*Colombo*” (Get it!); well right now, that’s you or going to be you!

Brace yourself…
Your wife thinks you’re dumb, your soccer coach thinks you’re dumb, and if you’re not careful your own kids are going to think you’re dumb. It’s a good bet your wife’s new toxic girlfriends also think you’re dumb, most likely she’s feeding them stories about you in a negative way to promote sympathy from her new toxic friends, and in return they respond by encouraging your wife to cheat, because they have. She is now a member of their social group of cheaters. I'll say it again shall I. *When it rains it pours!* 

*1.* Who’s the Alpha in your house? That answer better be *YOU*! Because if it’s *NOT*, then sign the divorce papers now and look for a woman with better moral values, then your wife. You kids will hate you at first, but they’ll understand soon enough why you divorced her.

*2.* Make more family time and spend it together. Make sure your wife is in charge of the family events, that way she’s always thinking about the family and not her toxic girlfriends. 

_*3.* Spend more time with her communicating about anything with her, this builds more connections. Those connections become deeper until she’ll see you again, your marriage, and your family. Right now your wife is communicating with her toxic girlfriends more than you, hence her sudden change in personality and behaviour. _

*UPDATE:* Machiavelli Post#42 made ALL valid arguments,:smthumbup: therefore, based on your position ignore my point 3 and become a different Man. Change your clothes, hair style (if you have any left!), get healthy and be more proactive about your life and your wife will see you changing before her eyes. *She'll be wondering who this new Man is!* 

*4.* Read the books already recommended to you. “No More Mr. Nice Guy” etc. Also read other Tamer's threads you'll get an insight into who you are and where you are now and going. Just read and understand.

*5.* Machiavelli, made a good point, don’t tell your wife, *HELL *don’t tell *ANYONE *you’re on this website.

*6.* Install key loggers on all computer(s) in the house place VAR her car, keep one on you at all times when talking about the affair.

There are other threads here dedicated to *number 6*, I forgot where, so if any Tamers can post it or link here, great.

*“It’s a bit complicated hey” *– Using technology to investigate and confirm, not really! But emotionally from within, yes, I guess so. You don’t want to believe the person you took your VOWs with would lower themselves to the gutter level. Well, she can take the low road and you can take the high road.

FTP 


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## SR125H

Machiavelli said:


> Not complicated at all. Affairs run through female social circles like a virus, as do the divorces that follow on their heels.
> 
> You've already been told to download and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer." Most guys usually need MMSL first, but you need to read NMMNG first. Tonight.
> 
> And don't let your wife know you're reading this stuff or posting here.


I have purchased and downloaded no more mr nice guy will be reading this weekend.


----------



## SR125H

key logger will try and get one for a windows 8 phone somehow. Ipad bit of an issue need to jailbreak it.

have no more mr nice guy.

I will get a VAR sent to my friend and collect it from him as to not arise suspicion.

I have plotted her mobile data activity which shows me all the spikes in the last ex months. I have shots of some her messages.

I now have the address of the OM and wife so could write to her to call me


----------



## Machiavelli

SR125H, how often do women hit on you? I ask, because you don't seem to feel like you're in the driver's seat with women. Why do think women don't hit on you? Is it your physique? If you don't look for opportunities to take your shirt off, it may be that wife doesn't have much physical attraction to you.



SR125H said:


> Any tips to handle the following scenarios during this time.
> 
> 1) Wife says she wants to go out clubbing with friend


You say: "Well, you'll have to get a baby sitter, because Raquel the office slüt has invited me to accompany her to her favorite swinger's club." Then leave the house, immediately.



SR125H said:


> 2) When she says she does not feel in love


Say, "That's funny, I was just going to say the same thing."



SR125H said:


> 3) When she says I need to listen more


Say, "You've got more affairs you want to get off your chest?"



SR125H said:


> 4) I have told her that if she cannot get to want the marriage 100% then I would speak to lawyers and would want the kids and she says I am blackmailing


Say, "I haven't asked you for any blackmail, I'm telling you the facts of life."



SR125H said:


> 5) When she is disrespectful on the phone by not wanting to chat


Get off the phone hurriedly. Say, "Gotta go, somebody's here to see me."



SR125H said:


> 6) when she say i am not fun anymore. She has a point I have found it hard to pull on the energies to enjoy fun with friends, dance laugh and have fun whilst trying to manage the family her illness, our finances, my job and the kids. I even fell asleep once when around our freinds late one evening due to exhaustion.


You've either got a chronic disease or you're out of shape and eating wrong. Unless you're in combat, your #1 priority is 8 hours of solid sleep. Get your priorities straight.




SR125H said:


> She says that makes her feel less loving. I can see her point but boy she has not once showed any appreciation for the sacrifice I have made.


Wives feel more attraction to their husband when other women are attracted as well. If you don't come off good in social situations, this means other women are not going to be attracted to you and your wife loses some of her attraction as well. Eighty percent of women are attracted to the same top 20% of men and _really_ attracted to the top 5%. Your appearance and behaviors (including doing lots of housework to help your wife) are probably what's keeping you out of that top tier. Sounds counterintuitive, but if you do too much of what is traditionally seen as "woman's work", you lower your own attractiveness. This has been well documented in social science literature.





SR125H said:


> For the whole time I cared for her no thanks just complaints that jobs have not been done and that things have not been put back in the exactly place... Any suggestions welcome. I am not a bad husband just like many others I am not perfect and I think her expectations are too high.


Completely change your haircut before you come home. If it's long, cut it short. Do anything different. It doesn't matter whether you really like it or not, just change it.

Upgrade your wardrobe to that of a guy 10 years younger and making twice as much. Don't discuss any of this with her. Just do it. 

All this sends a message that women understand: you are making changes in your life that probably include new women.

The more you move away from her, the great your attraction will be.

How often do you work out and what kind of program are you on?


----------



## SR125H

Machiavelli said:


> SR125H, how often do women hit on you? I ask, because you don't seem to feel like you're in the driver's seat with women. Why do think women don't hit on you? Is it your physique? If you don't look for opportunities to take your shirt off, it may be that wife doesn't have much physical attraction to you.
> 
> 
> 
> You say: "Well, you'll have to get a baby sitter, because Raquel the office slüt has invited me to accompany her to her favorite swinger's club." Then leave the house, immediately.
> 
> 
> 
> Say, "That's funny, I was just going to say the same thing."
> 
> 
> 
> Say, "You've got more affairs you want to get off your chest?"
> 
> 
> 
> Say, "I haven't asked you for any blackmail, I'm telling you the facts of life."
> 
> 
> 
> Get off the phone hurriedly. Say, "Gotta go, somebody's here to see me."
> 
> 
> 
> You've either got a chronic disease or you're out of shape and eating wrong. Unless you're in combat, your #1 priority is 8 hours of solid sleep. Get your priorities straight.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Wives feel more attraction to their husband when other women are attracted as well. If you don't come off good in social situations, this means other women are not going to be attracted to you and your wife loses some of her attraction as well. Eighty percent of women are attracted to the same top 20% of men and _really_ attracted to the top 5%. Your appearance and behaviors (including doing lots of housework to help your wife) are probably what's keeping you out of that top tier. Sounds counterintuitive, but if you do too much of what is traditionally seen as "woman's work", you lower your own attractiveness. This has been well documented in social science literature.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Completely change your haircut before you come home. If it's long, cut it short. Do anything different. It doesn't matter whether you really like it or not, just change it.
> 
> Upgrade your wardrobe to that of a guy 10 years younger and making twice as much. Don't discuss any of this with her. Just do it.
> 
> All this sends a message that women understand: you are making changes in your life that probably include new women.
> 
> The more you move away from her, the great your attraction will be.
> 
> How often do you work out and what kind of program are you on?



I have not been working out so much but I work for a gym company and this last two weeks I have been running, rowing and pushing some weights. Was thinking to get some personal training from one of those female kick boxers. That might make her lift an eye..


----------



## Machiavelli

SR125H said:


> I have not been working out so much but I work for a gym company and this last two weeks I have been running, rowing and pushing some weights. Was thinking to get some personal training from one of those female kick boxers. That might make her lift an eye..


Now, you're thinking right, she needs to know that you can replace her with any three younger, hotter women as soon as you should decide to do so. You need to start eating hard core and lifting hard core. All the way to the six-pack and The Golden Ratio. These are visual clues that trigger a sexual response in a woman's limbic brain (which controls attraction and arousal). See, no matter how much her cortex knows you are a good guy, if her limbic isn't feeling it her rationalization hamster will spin up all kinds of bogus rationalized reasons that you are to blame for her lack of attraction. Her limbic reproduction system is calling the shots; so you start appealing to it.


----------



## SR125H

Bit of a problem over weekend. Wife managed to get into my social account and noticed messages from me to a close friend who I was sharing plus other messages all about her affair. she noticed one about a guy I know I asked to watch the OM whilst I was away to make sure he did not go to a venue that they both take our boys to for sports. She is aware that I have attempted to contact the OMW. it mentions boundaries re clubing with other her single friend.

Her response was unbelievable

she said that I should not be telling the whole world and she was disgusted and angry with me

I called her she said I was out of order and asked me to list everyone I confided in. I told her as I was reading NMMNG and figured sod it if she knows everything she has nothing more on be.

I said she should not prevent me from sharing with my family and friends. She basically has not been prepared to discuss the issue until my return from working abroad a month in total. I left country D day plus 7.

I said I had the write to speak to people I trust to ensure that I could get over the pain and by her refusing to discuss I had to fill in the blanks.

She picked up on the boundaries and said I cannot force her to not see these people. I said no I cannot she had lived the marriage without boundaries and I need them to be there. she is adamant that she will do what she wants her and has not considered the hurt. I know guys have bought her drinks.

she went off on one about the person I asked to watch them saying that he could tell anyone and I should not be gossiping

To add to this when I said that not of this would have been necessary had she not cheated. She said that she had not cheated as she had not had sex. I reminded her that she had kissed him. she said it was one kiss. I reminded her again that he had told me several. She then said oh they were just pecks. talk about trickle truething. I said I have had to fill in the gaps i,e when she was out at night and having day time meetings and when she decided to take off for two days to get some space.

Basically ended with her saying if I keep telling people the there is no way back.

She then again shifted onto the marriage and saying that was broken before all this. Again I reminded her I have never said we have not had issues and that 50% responsibility lies there but 100% responsibility for her choice to cross the line sits with her and she cannot expect to not have consequences.

Whilst I am chewed up inside. I kept reminding her that this time i am not going to apologies for being strong and taking control if my life. I told her that I have done much soul searching and I am going to be stronger whatever happens. At least for once I did not back down or try to say any of what I said was in anyway untrue. She had taken some of it out of context though but hey she did decide to look at my messages. she seems more worried about what other people think than taking responsibility. 

Not sure where to go next. I will be flying home in a week.


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## Jasel

You need to file to let her know you're serious. Because as far as not being remorseful in the slightest for what she's done, she has absolutely no fear that you're going to do anything anyway. She's outright told you she's going to do whatever she wants with who ever she wants and you better keep your mouth shut about it.

As far as I'm concerned you should expose far and wide while you file, do a 180 on top of that and just go indifferent/dark. If that doesn't bring her back to her senses than you should probably just go through with the divorce. 

The spouse who calls the shots is the spouse who is in control. The spouse who appears more willing to walk away from the relationship is the spouse who is in control. The spouse who doesn't come off as co-dependant/needy/bargain is the spouse who is in control. You are none of these things at the moment. It's time for you to change that.

Also don't feel obligated to give her information and explanations about what you've done, plan on doing or not doing when she won't even admit the simple truth to you that she cheated while trickle truthing and gas lighting. YOU don't owe HER explanations after what SHE has done to YOU. It's really that simple.

I liked your last bit at the end standing firm but I think you know that you have a long way to go. Hope it all works out.

And yes read NMMNG but don't talk to her about it. She does not need to know that. The same goes with exposure plans. Keep her in the dark and let her reap what she has sown. Playing hardball will increase your chances of getting your wife back. Not *****footing.


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## BobSimmons

She knows you're not a serious man.

She knows she can tell you whatever and get away with it.

It's sad she calls the shots.

When will you take back control?


----------



## SR125H

Jasel said:


> You need to file to let her know you're serious. Because as far as not being remorseful in the slightest for what she's done, she has absolutely no fear that you're going to do anything anyway. She's outright told you she's going to do whatever she wants with who ever she wants and you better keep your mouth shut about it.
> 
> As far as I'm concerned you should expose far and wide while you file, do a 180 on top of that and just go indifferent/dark. If that doesn't bring her back to her senses than you should probably just go through with the divorce.
> 
> The spouse who calls the shots is the spouse who is in control. The spouse who appears more willing to walk away from the relationship is the spouse who is in control. The spouse who doesn't come off as co-dependant/needy/bargain is the spouse who is in control. You are none of these things at the moment. It's time for you to change that.
> 
> Also don't feel obligated to give her information and explanations about what you've done, plan on doing or not doing when she won't even admit the simple truth to you that she cheated while trickle truthing and gas lighting. YOU don't owe HER explanations after what SHE has done to YOU. It's really that simple.
> 
> I liked your last bit at the end standing firm but I think you know that you have a long way to go. Hope it all works out.
> 
> And yes read NMMNG but don't talk to her about it. She does not need to know that. The same goes with exposure plans. Keep her in the dark and let her reap what she has sown. Playing hardball will increase your chances of getting your wife back. Not *****footing.



Any tips for how to shift the discussion away from her getting me to justify my every action. To the conversation of responsibility?


----------



## Jasel

SR125H said:


> Any tips for how to shift the discussion away from her getting me to justify my every action. To the conversation of responsibility?


You don't have a discussion about it. You can't "talk" someone out of the fog of being in an affair. You make them take responsibility by showing them that their actions have consequences. One of those consequences is exposure. Another one of those consequences is a divorce petition. Another one of those consequences is showing her that you can live without her if she has no respect for you and your marriage.

Don't get in arguments with her. Don't try to convince her she's wrong and you're right. Don't bargain, plead, make threats that you don't back up. Hell you don't even have to say much of anything. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to breaking someone out of the fog from what I've seen.


----------



## SR125H

Jasel said:


> You don't have a discussion about it. You can't "talk" someone out of the fog of being in an affair. You make them take responsibility by showing them that their actions have consequences. One of those consequences is exposure. Another one of those consequences is a divorce petition. Another one of those consequences is showing her that you can live without her if she has no respect for you and your marriage.
> 
> Don't get in arguments with her. Don't try to convince her she's wrong and you're right. Don't bargain, plead, make threats that you don't back up. Hell you don't even have to say much of anything. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to breaking someone out of the fog from what I've seen.


I think thats part of my problem I have been tending to explain everything and it does not make any difference. I am now being told I should have asked and she would have told me the who truth. I do recall on several occasions asking but being told not to pressure her and wait till I come home. emm.


----------



## warlock07

> she is adamant that* she will do what she wants* her and has not considered the hurt.





> she went off and* I should not be* gossiping


----------



## GutPunch

You are not going to discuss your way
out of this. File for divorce and have her
served. She has zero remorse. 

She has zero respect for you.

Filing will give her a nice slap across
the face she will understand.

Does OMW know yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

I posted earlier:



> Look, your wife humiliated you! In your own home by making you a small and pathetic little man, in front of the soccer coach, her OM she’s having an EA/PA with. There’s been intimate chats and the soccer coach admitted several kisses taking place (what else? I think much more, and so do you and everyone reading your story). He knows himself they have committed adultery and I suspect feels slightly ashamed at being dragged out at midnight to your home. Contact the soccer coach’s wife.


Warlock07 post says it ALL! :smthumbup:

The more you want TALK the less she wants to; as she’s done nothing wrong! When you do talk she’ll twist yours words and use them against you. Because she’s still has the BIGGER BALLS in your marriage. 

Don’t talk to HER! 

Talk to the Soccer Coach’s wife and blow this UP! 

Get the Soccer Coach to admit to everything and make sure the VAR is on you.

Get the divorce papers ready.

FTP


----------



## alte Dame

You ask how to talk to her without explaining yourself. 

This is easier than you think.

When she goes on the attack with an accusation or is twisting your words so that you feel defensive, you say, 'Yes, I know you feel that way. I've heard it all before. You need to understand what my requirements are. I will not have a marriage in which my wife behaves the way you behave. Your choice. You can behave like a wife, or we can divorce.'

You keep things short, don't engage in a back-and-forth with her as she attacks you. Consciously stop yourself from reacting to her verbal assault. Stay on message with your demands. Keep repeating the same sentences if you have to until she realizes that you won't take her bait.

And...you really need to blow it up with the OMW.


----------



## Blue Firefly

SR125H said:


> Any tips for how to shift the discussion away from her getting me to justify my every action. To the conversation of responsibility?


You don't have to explain or justify your actions or feelings to anyone, *when they are the right actions of feelings*.

Trying to make you explain and justify *to her* every action you take is a control technique. It places her in the position of control. Does she justifying all her actions to you? No, instead she gets upset for you even asking about her actions, as if she is above you. 

She is not your god. You don't have to justify your actions to her, and she is NOT above reproach. Take her off a pedestal. Stop acting as if she is morally superior to you. The truth is, at this point she is morally inferior to you. She's the one that is breaking her marriage vows (the one's made before the real God who, unlike her, actually does have to right to judge people).

Often, the best way to answer "why are you doing this" is to simply reply "because that's what I'm going to do." If you know it's the correct action to take, then I guarantee she know it also, but she's just denying it.

The book "When I Say Know I Feel Guilty" by Smith has a pretty good section on how to reply to people who demand you justify your actions to them. I know you are reading NMMNG, but I think an afternoon with this book would help you. Learning the "fogging" and "broken record" techniques would do you wonders.

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: Manuel J. Smith: Amazon.com: Kindle Store


----------



## barbados

SR125H said:


> She picked up on the boundaries and said I cannot force her to not see these people. I said no I cannot she had lived the marriage without boundaries and I need them to be there. she is adamant that she will do what she wants her and has not considered the hurt. I know guys have bought her drinks.


There is all you need to know. You demand boundaries, she doesn't want any. Time to D. NO BOUNDARIES = BEING SINGLE !


----------



## Shaggy

You need to stop arguing about your actions. 

Fact: she is having an affair with the soccer coach

Fact: after the first confrontation she was out with him one date and brought him home to tell you not to worry, that he was treating your wife right and you should back down

Fact: she spent two nights away do she could be with him without you stopping her

Fact: she planned,(and likely did), have him over to your home and bed while you are on this trip



She's following the standard cheater script of lies, calling you controlling, saying you are violating her privacy, and telling you to keep silent about the affair.

Right her only fear is that your actions will cause the OM enough grief that he will dump her.

The best ways to cause the OM grief:
1. Exposé to his wife. He'll be watching so make sure you really do contact her and that it doesn't get intercepted.

2. Exposé to the soccer club and parents. Do you think the other fathers are going to want a guy who sleeps with married moms coaching the team and around their wives?

As for the clubbing , staying out all night etc. you can't physically stop her, but you can cut off money for clothes, etc. and you can file for D.


----------



## Shaggy

Btw, the new lingerie etc. you know she bought and has worn them for him. When she's not around, I would quietly take them from her closet and shred them and put them in the garbage.


----------



## TRy

SR125H said:


> I am now being told I should have asked and she would have told me the who truth.


 Call her out on this lie. Tell her that you did ask and that she has refused to answer your questions and is always putting off doing so. Remind her that she has already lied to you about how often that they have kissed and other such things so her truthfulness to you so far is not what she claims it to be. Then tell her that it is time for her to put her money where her mouth is and to tell you the whole truth now that you are again asking. Have a prepared list of questions and just start asking her these questions. When she does not fully answer a question truthfully, point it out to her and ask the next question.


----------



## GutPunch

Schedule a lie detector test. 

I bet they only kissed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

She is all pissed off cuz she knows you are right and she knows her behavior is wrong.

So now she will go to her toxic friend and get reassurance that she is in fact right and you are wrong... She will find justification for the bad behavior that will in the end cost her her marriage.

Its sad but she has no concern for the marriage and in her mind the marriage is over.

You have to admit this to your self now!


Its time to let her go and give her a taste of reality. Until she gets this taste she will never second guess her choices or think twice about her decisions.


Lets face it she has it made she has a provider (you) and she a lover (the OM) and to top it all off she has the freedom to pick up strange guys that fill her ego.

She needs to see that you will not control her but you will control what you have to tolerate by letting her go and ask her to leave the martial home.

Granted you are in a tight spot right now but you will be home soon enough and then you can take the step you need to take to emotionally protect your self.

And speaking of emotionally torture, why do you continue to engage her when it is clear that she does not want to communicate with you? STOP CONTACTING HER!!!!!!!!!

Ya I know its hard but again she has to see that you are letting her go...a tactic that will at least get her to second guess what she is about to lose.

Please tell me your not sending home your pay check?

Sir, please tell me you are not financing her party girl life style while you are gone?


----------



## Rollin

You need to file


----------



## SR125H

Its hard work though trying to not get sucked into the argument. I have been better over the last day or so in that when she text again having a go about some I said I replied with a short polite yes I did say that on this day as that was how I feel you acted. Then said I will not justify it and that she can now see the consequences of her actions lived out. I have not had any further responses on the subject.


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## GutPunch

Quit answering her texts.

Her attempts at drama do not need
any response whatsoever.

No response is the best response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad

She is not taking you seriously at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Did you tell his wife yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SR125H

GutPunch said:


> Quit answering her texts.
> 
> Her attempts at drama do not need
> any response whatsoever.
> 
> No response is the best response.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


probably wise advise obviously I want to have contact with my kids as well but i can ignore the subject.


----------



## SR125H

tom67 said:


> Did you tell his wife yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


have found the address just do not have her Mobile. I did get through to granny. This guys seems to be home more than at work as well. he has his own business but way to much time.


----------



## GutPunch

Kids and finances that's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> have found the address just do not have her Mobile. I did get through to granny. This guys seems to be home more than at work as well. he has his own business but way to much time.


When the soccer coach is at practice, pay a visit to his house and for god’s sake don’t tell anyone. 

Other Man runs his own business and is a Soccer Coach and plays away with your wife/others.

His Time Management skills are excellent aren’t they!

FTP


----------



## alte Dame

This guy is a classic player and doesn't really care about your W. Please blow up his world. Please do it asap. Is there really any reason to wait?


----------



## just got it 55

SR125H said:


> So I have read through some of the 180 stuff.
> 
> My minds says maybe that is the right thing. On the other hand she says part of the reason our issues is that I do not listen and I am not emotionally meeting her needs. Then again when I ask her when she has had arguments before what we agreed to do she cannot remember yet thinks that I did not try and she did. Reason is the arguments go along the lines I need to do stuff and not her. I have to say part of the problem is I have let her just rule the house. Our close friends have been good recently and told me that she speaks to me like I am a bit of dirt and she is a spoilt something.
> 
> Any tips to handle the following scenarios during this time.
> 
> 1) Wife says she wants to go out clubbing with friend
> 2) When she says she does not feel in love
> 3) When she says I need to listen more
> 4) I have told her that if she cannot get to want the marriage 100% then I would speak to lawyers and would want the kids and she says I am blackmailing
> 5) When she is disrespectful on the phone by not wanting to chat
> 6) when she say i am not fun anymore. She has a point I have found it hard to pull on the energies to enjoy fun with friends, dance laugh and have fun whilst trying to manage the family her illness, our finances, my job and the kids. I even fell asleep once when around our freinds late one evening due to exhaustion. She says that makes her feel less loving. I can see her point but boy she has not once showed any appreciation for the sacrifice I have made. For the whole time I cared for her no thanks just complaints that jobs have not been done and that things have not been put back in the exactly place... Any suggestions welcome. I am not a bad husband just like many others I am not perfect and I think her expectations are too high.


You say to point # 3 I heard you when you said you do not love me That was point 2 BTW


----------



## Dyokemm

SR125H,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation.

I think you need to take a very hard line with your WW spouse and her POS here.

Expose them fully, especially POS so he has something else to worry about.

Then lay a clear choice in front of your wife...marriage or the POS.

You can't be afraid of her reaction or losing the M. It's lost right now and you have to fight if you want to recover/save it.

My favorite line from The Outlaw Josey Wales says it best.

"When it looks bad, and your not gonna make it...that's when you got to get mean, plumb mad dog mean..."


----------



## tom67

Dyokemm said:


> SR125H,
> 
> I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation.
> 
> I think you need to take a very hard line with your WW spouse and her POS here.
> 
> Expose them fully, especially POS so he has something else to worry about.
> 
> Then lay a clear choice in front of your wife...marriage or the POS.
> 
> You can't be afraid of her reaction or losing the M. It's lost right now and you have to fight if you want to recover/save it.
> 
> My favorite line from The Outlaw Josey Wales says it best.
> 
> "When it looks bad, and your not gonna make it...that's when you got to get mean, plumb mad dog mean..."


please do it :iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Madman1

If you follow the advice here there is a danger that you will gain self-respect, control and have a better life.

Nope just keep doing what you are doing, (at last some advice an op will follow.)


----------



## Dyokemm

How are you doing SR125H?


----------



## SR125H

Dyokemm said:


> How are you doing SR125H?


Not good I arrived back from a 26 hour flight. Went for breakfast with my wife. She laid into me about stuff I calmly reminded her that it was an ea and kissing makes it a pa. She told me she did not miss me and that if she does not have the feelings then why should she try again. She admitted having a text affair with another guy sons old coach for 6 months pre this.

I said that if she has any will to not destroy the family then to keep the counseling appointment this week. She is thinking about it. I said if she is nit willing then I will have to let her go knowing I have done my best and now need to concentrate on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm

Sorry to hear that the situation is no better, maybe worse.

I will just repeat my advice about playing hardball with exposure and filing papers for divorce (you can always stop the process if she comes around).

This is probably the only chance you have to snap her back to reality. She may be too far gone, but it is your only shot.

You can't reach her through begging, crying, or even logical arguments based on your family/life together. She's in the fog.

I hope you can find it in yourself to fight back against this garbage.


----------



## Dyokemm

If she wants to work on the marriage after you do this, then you can demand info on the full extent of her cheating as a requirement for fixing the relationship.

I'd be willing to bet money that it is far worse than what she has admitted to.

Also, I think she doesn't really want a divorce. Why else go to all the trouble of bringing POS to your house in an effort to save herself if she was really wanting to walk.

She just wants to maintain the status quo so she can cake eat. 

Her anger and aggressiveness towards you is an attempt to gain control of the situation and get you to back down.


----------



## SR125H

At the moment I think she is calling the shots. I have obvious been very upset over the weekend and cried I find myself just looking at her and the pain just cuts me up. 

I did assert some things i.e I told her I was going to take daughter for a run then took them to church. in the afternoon i bashed some weeds in the garden. The evening was obviously tense. The fridge was empty has been for a couple of days. Thought she could have least got some shopping in. ended up getting take away and she ate it did not say thank you then spent rest of evening on social sites. Eventually coming to be at almost 1am. She has had the cheek to say she was tired.

When i raise the subject she says my pressuring drives her away. 
I have just told her that we are going to the forest for a family picnic. figured if she sees me having fun with kids it may help. She said she will come but only for the kids. Sucks really.

When see facebooks should I just ignore her. I cannot find a key logger for windows 8 phones. any ideas.

we have a joint account and a food account. She seems to expect me to pay her phone, pension and food. she then goes over drawn on the food account. She has a small casual job but due to back issues has not been to work since Feb. was thinking of asking her to pay her own phone billing but at least I get to see the bill as is. 

not happy that I am potentially funding her social life. she does the washing, has started to clean the house more at least. 

Any tips for getting this 180 thing going and trying to be strong to stick with it. We have counselling midweek and I hope she will go so do not want to drive her off this. 

was thinking of drawing up a list of how the divorce may work out in terms of her share and what she gets. might shock her. I think she will struggle with the idea of living on benefits plus 600 a month from me. I have a good wage so I would be ok in that sense but I think she has been used to being looked after. She can't even work out her tax returns.


----------



## jfv

The counselor cannot make her respect you. Start preparing for divorce.


----------



## Dyokemm

You have to emotionally detach yourself.

You feel hurt about her not acknowledging your kind gestures with the meal or wanting to do family activities.

You CANNOT 'nice' her out of this PERIOD!

Only speak to her about kids and absolute necessities and only in an unemotional tone. Ignore her otherwise. Go out and enjoy time with your kids, and don't pout or act hurt that she doesn't want to be involved. Act like you could care less.

Then see a lawyer and drop the hammer on her. FILE!

At the same time you give her the papers, you can give her a list of your demands for any reconciliation attempt: full disclosure of the affair(s) extent immediately, NC forever with these scumbags, full transparency are a MINIMUM.

Tell her if she doesn't meet your demands in any way you will proceed with divorce as you will not be disrespected like this.

At the same time, fully expose both of these POS to their wifes and any mutual friends. Make them scramble to save their own behinds. This accomplishes two things:

First, they will throw your wife under the bus to their spouses to save their own behinds. Being rudely dumped like this combined with your presenting papers will probably snap your wife out of the fog.

Second, while they are scrambling to save themselves they cannot be a support/encouragement to your wife as you lay down your demands.

I think you MUST take these steps if you want any chance of saving your marriage.

Continuing to be weak, emotional and needy WILL DOOM YOU.


----------



## MattMatt

She doesn't have any respect for herself so it must be hard for her to try and respect you.

Do things with your children that do not involve her.

She wants to do things with you but only for the children?

No! That's untrue! 

She wants to do things with the children so she can pretend to be a good mother.
a good mother, is she?

Empty fridge does not = good mother. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

SR

Reach over and punch yourself in the nuts!

That is to wake you up because you are in a fog yourself.

Your wife is using you. That is no marriage.

Stop talking to her. Only deal with her regarding the kids.

Without speaking to her do the following:

Lock up your finances.
See an attorney and file for Divorce.
Go see the OMW and let her know what the two of them have been up to.

Then let your wife be served.

If she does nothing then you have your answer.

If she shapes up and starts acting like a wife and mother then tell her she has up until the D is final to make amends.

Act!

And act tough. No false bravado will work for you because she knows you too well.

Just Do It!

HM64


----------



## Blue Firefly

SR125H said:


> At the moment I think she is calling the shots. I have obvious been very upset over the weekend and cried I find myself just looking at her and the pain just cuts me up.
> 
> we have a joint account and a food account. She seems to expect me to pay her phone, pension and food. she then goes over drawn on the food account. She has a small casual job but due to back issues has not been to work since Feb. was thinking of asking her to pay her own phone billing but at least I get to see the bill as is.


The 1st thing you should do Tuesday is get a separate checking account (1) in your name only at (2) a different bank than your current joint account.

Move half of your money over to the new account.

Start depositing your paycheck to the new account.

Only give your wife the bare minimum she needs to buy groceries (or just start buying them yourself and don't give her any money). If she needs more, she can come to you and ask for it.

Hopefully, this will will wake your wife up to reality. She has it pretty cushy right now. Doesn't have to work; works a casual job she could leave at any time. Maybe the thought of having to work full time will be a wake up call for her. 

She's obviously taking it for granted that you will be there to support her. You MUST remove that thought from her head for her to wake up from her mental fog.


----------



## Blue Firefly

Wednesday, contact the other man's wife. 

Tell her he even came over to your house and said "it was just kissing." She how that goes over.

Dude, she deserves to know.


----------



## Shaggy

She does not call all the shots. You have a lot of effective tools her but you aren't using them. Right now you are limiting yourself to hoping she will change on her own why no outside motivation.

Your wife is acting defiantly and distant because she believes that eventually her and the OM will reconnect. They may in fact already be reconnecting. 

You need to expose to the other mans wife. This will cause serious repercussions for him, and very hopefully have him throw her under the bus. You may in fact get info you don't already have, that she possesses.

Do no threaten to do this or warn your wife you are doing this. Just do it, and remain silent about it. If she finds out ASAP you'll know he contacted her, and you'll hopefully see how.


----------



## Shaggy

Oh and give the OMW the dates that your wife went away to be alone. I'm betting the OM and her hooked up big time. Perhaps the OMW was out of town, or the OM was away on a trip (with your wife)


----------



## alte Dame

She calls the shots if you let her, but you don't have to let her do it.

Tell the OMW asap. This takes some control away from the two of them.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Not good I arrived back from a 26 hour flight. Went for breakfast with my wife. She laid into me about stuff I calmly reminded her that it was an ea and kissing makes it a pa. She told me she did not miss me and that if she does not have the feelings then why should she try again. She admitted having a text affair with another guy sons old coach for 6 months pre this.
> 
> *So that's TWO EA's and ONE PA! All within the year! Get the FIRST EA's name and contact details and contact his wife and blow his world up.*
> 
> I said that if she has any will to not destroy the family then to keep the counseling appointment this week. *She is thinking about it.* I said if she is nit willing then I will have to let her go knowing I have done my best and now need to concentrate on me.
> 
> *Oh the poor thing, she's thinking about having a counselling appointment, ONLY THINKING! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





SR125H said:


> At the moment I think she is calling the shots. I have obvious been very upset over the weekend and cried I find myself just looking at her and the pain just cuts me up.
> 
> *We agree on something at last! She has the BALL's in your marriage NOT YOU! Please wake up! Fight dam you!*
> 
> I did assert some things i.e I told her I was going to take daughter for a run then took them to church. in the afternoon i bashed some weeds in the garden. The evening was obviously tense. The fridge was empty has been for a couple of days. Thought she could have least got some shopping in. ended up getting take away and she ate it did not say thank you then spent rest of evening on social sites. Eventually coming to be at almost 1am. She has had the cheek to say she was tired.
> 
> *Your wife is FAST becoming single again thanks to her toxic friends and her new life style.*
> 
> When i raise the subject *she says my pressuring drives her away*. I have just told her that we are going to the forest for a family picnic. figured if she sees me having fun with kids it may help. She said *she will come but only for the kids*. Sucks really.
> 
> *BEEP BEEP BEEP Now you replace the BEEP's with swearing words........ *
> 
> When see facebooks should I just ignore her. I cannot find a key logger for windows 8 phones. any ideas.
> 
> *http://www.mobile-spy.com/* *Have not tested It myself but it looks like it does pretty much everything.*
> 
> we have a joint account and a food account. She seems to expect me to pay her phone *(FTP: Good then you can monitor it)*, pension and food. she then goes over drawn on the food account. She has a small casual job but due to back issues has not been to work since Feb. was thinking of asking her to pay her own phone billing but at least I get to see the bill as is.
> 
> not happy that I am potentially funding her social life. she does the washing, has started to clean the house more at least.
> 
> Any tips for getting this 180 thing going and trying to be strong to stick with it. We have counselling midweek and I hope she will go so do not want to drive her off this.
> 
> was thinking of drawing up a list of how the divorce may work out in terms of her share and what she gets. might shock her. I think she will struggle with the idea of living on benefits plus 600 a month from me. I have a good wage so I would be ok in that sense but I think she has been used to being looked after. She can't even work out her tax returns.


*SR125H, I'm NOT trying to offensive BUT YOU ARE BECOMING THE DOORMAT HUSBAND! YOU MUST BREAK FREE of this continuous loop of thinking everything is your fault. It's NOT, it's HERS, ONLY HERS! 

I told you before you need to become "Columbo" look and act dumb and stupid to everyone, but inside become that Detective / James Bond etc........*

*Please wake up! FIGHT DAM YOU!!!!!*


----------



## Jasel

Doesnt really sound like youre doing the 180


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

She's 100% correct, if she has no feelings it is over. Funny how SHE can file the paperwork, but is throwing it all in your lap. IMO she is daring you to do something because you've let her do whatever for who knows how long.

Time to set yourself up for Divorce. Notice, I didn't say leave. You need to get a really good lawyer, one that is versed in Male custody battles, get your kids, get a divorce and then move on.

The reason I say this is she has a history with coaches of your kids team. That crap is mentally abusive for a child. You get a good lawyer and custody will be ugly for her. Obviously, check with a lawyer because every situation is different.


My friend received primary custody because his wife was having an affair with coach/teacher. The lawyer pointed out how the kid could suffer from bullying from kids and parents due to favoritism. That the child picked up on the problems and was torn between telling the father and being loyal to his mom. We were all shocked when he received primary custody.


----------



## Chaparral

Why would she respect you? You don't respect yourself. Please tell us you have not been crying in front of her. If you have you have absolutely no idea how women think. Instead of feeling sorry for you, you are making her sick of looking at you.

This is an emergency, read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER now.

You can download it at the link in my signature. The info is there that you need to deal with a woman.


----------



## SR125H

Went on our family picnic. I had fun with the kids and she sat in the car whilst we played outside. When kids were on there bikes we spoke briefly she said nothing had changed and she said again that the reason for her affair was because I was not emotionally supporting her. she said I was boring and that as she is 33 and I am 40 that she had changed and wants different things. 

she asked me again if I was going to sleep in spare room. I said no and that she was free to do so if she wants. I said I am staying put. 

She has gone out tonight for a drive to clear her head. not seen her yet. going to bed. 

She seemed to react when I asked what she was making for dinner saying she would cook for kids but not us. I think she needs to understand that I bring the pay check home and she needs to contribute her part.


----------



## jim123

File and be done. You can not beg your way, Start moving on.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

SR125H said:


> Went on our family picnic. I had fun with the kids and she sat in the car whilst we played outside. When kids were on there bikes we spoke briefly she said nothing had changed and she said again that the reason for her affair was because I was not emotionally supporting her. she said I was boring and that as she is 33 and I am 40 that she had changed and wants different things.
> 
> she asked me again if I was going to sleep in spare room. I said no and that she was free to do so if she wants. I said I am staying put.


Why have you not filed? This is ridiculous. She sat in the car? I hope you are documenting this garbage.


----------



## bryanp

I am sorry but you would have to be masochistic to remain in this marriage. Why should she respect a husband who is willing to endure any and all times of humiliation and disrespect that she hurls at you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


----------



## BobSimmons

A sad case of a man burying his head in the sand..


----------



## bandit.45

He's British. Seems to be the norm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

SR125H said:


> When kids were on there bikes we spoke briefly she said nothing had changed and she said again that the reason for her affair was because I was not emotionally supporting her. she said I was boring and that as she is 33 and I am 40 that she had changed and wants different things.


SR, I'm going to tell you your problem in one word and one word only. You've kissed her azz too much. You have committed what I call the “dweeb corollary”. The more you kiss their butts, the more of a boring dweeb you become in their eyes. My phrase comes from observing my daughter, who is now 39, when she was a young teenager. The young guys who pandered to her every whim were thought of as dweebs. The young guys who didn't were exciting.
Additionally, the reason your 180 is not effective is because your whole strategy is getting her to love you again. It ain't going to happen my man. Women know how much they like you, and her actions are speaking louder than words. And since her words are telling you she done take it from there.
I know you thought after 13 years, 2 kids, and all the support and everything else you provide that you and her were pretty solid. It means you’re just like all the other turkeys who thought the same thing SR. 
Why you would want to continue on with this chick after what she's put you through, I don't know. But what you need to do is draw a hard line in the sand and dare her to cross it. First thing up is that she lose the girlfriend, the boyfriend and the bar hopping. If she fails and any of these three, file the big D. If you cannot make that stand, forget it. You ain't got what it takes to control this chick and she'll continue to run all over you until she can't stand it any more and kicks you to the curb.


----------



## Remains

She came on the family picnic for the kids! 

But she sat in the car?!!!!!

This woman has no respect for you. Please, please, start following the advice here. To the letter.

And if she refuses to cook, buy only food for you and the kids. You cook, for just you and the kids. Separate all yours and hers in all else that matters...let her pay her way....phone, bills, all of it! Oh, and whose computer is it? And who is paying for the internet? Remove that from her too. And don't give anything back til she makes her decision as to work on the marriage or not. And don't give anything back easily! At least a month of good results from her before she gets a bean from you.


----------



## Remains

What an entitled bi*ch she is!


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Remains said:


> She came on the family picnic for the kids!
> 
> But she sat in the car?!!!!!
> 
> This woman has no respect for you. Please, please, start following the advice here. To the letter.
> 
> And if she refuses to cook, buy only food for you and the kids. You cook, for just you and the kids. Separate all yours and hers in all else that matters...let her pay her way....phone, bills, all of it! Oh, and whose computer is it? And who is paying for the internet? Remove that from her too. And don't give anything back til she makes her decision as to work on the marriage or not. And don't give anything back easily! At least a month of good results from her before she gets a bean from you.


She wants to be single. Let her be single. Stop paying for her to be single. She's blaming you for HER affair ... don't you know how ridiculous this sounds? There is nothing here to save. Move on and find somebody worth your time.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I know it is getting harsh, but let's be real. How did you ENABLE her to let a guy between her legs, EVEN if you were neglectful, distant, emotionally unavailable and mean?

That is when you leave, you do not cheat. You talk about the problems, you do not cheat. You communicate with your husband, not another man or woman.


----------



## Shaggy

I'm guessing she was private texting in the car.

Her drive tonight is to meet up with the OM

I say this because her actions scream that the affair is very much still going on.


----------



## Dyokemm

Stop engaging with her and follow the advice you have been given on these boards.

FILE, EXPOSE completely, ISSUE DEMANDS FOR ANY CHANCE OF RECONCILIATION, and then ONLY SPEAK TO HER CONCERNING KIDS, HOUSEHOLD NECESSITIES, AND DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS.

Id she doesn't want to be part of the marriage, show her what its like.


----------



## Dyokemm

And Shaggy's probably right...she is out meeting and plotting with this POS right now.

If you don't start fighting, your life is gonna get steamrolled.


----------



## SR125H

I am pretty certain she met up with her toxic friend instead last night.

It is hard to read the message her and the reality hits home that I have allowed myself to be the Mr Nice Guy. I have downloaded the books an am reading quickly. Hard to accept it does kick you to realise that this is how I have been for 13 plus years. I held her on a pedistal and allowed her to control. me

Yesterday she had a go at me as I decided to put my son in for the county trials to basically give him a different focus. She said I should of consulted with her. She then said that I make all the decisions. I thought to myself. I only make decisions that you allow me to as I am that mr Nice Guy. she said that our son is not in the right frame of mind at the moment of the trials as he sensing whats going on to which I simply replied that she should have thought about that before she cheated and walked away.

This morning I got up nice and early and went to the Gym did not even say goodbye or offer the cup of tea that I used to always do. 

Today I am going to start to focus on me and the kids. I am going camping with the kids and our friends at the weekend. She said she would not come if I did not want her to. I have not decided yet. Was half thinking that if she saw me having fun and ignoring her then she might start to respond or I could say no stay away and again she will probably be pissed off that I am spending time with her our joint friends. Then she could equally spend the weekend with her OM whilst I am away. emm decisions.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> I am pretty certain she met up with her toxic friend instead last night.
> 
> *and you did what? Nothing right?*
> 
> It is hard to read the message her and the reality hits home that I have allowed myself to be the *Mr Nice Guy*. I have downloaded the books an am reading quickly. Hard to accept it does kick you to realise that this is how I have been for 13 plus years. I held her on a pedistal and allowed her to control. me
> 
> *That's right your "Mr Nice Guy" and she knows it! How about being "No More Mr Nice Guy"*
> 
> Yesterday she had a go at me as I decided to put my son in for the county trials to basically give him a different focus. She said I should of consulted with her. She then said that I make all the decisions. I thought to myself. I only make decisions that you allow me to as I am that mr Nice Guy. she said that our son is not in the right frame of mind at the moment of the trials as he sensing whats going on to which *I simply replied that she should have thought about that before she cheated and walked away.:smthumbup:*
> 
> *FIGHTING WORDS! MORE, MORE, MORE! *
> 
> This morning I got up nice and early and went to the Gym did not even say goodbye or offer the cup of tea that I used to always do.
> 
> Today I am going to start to focus on me and the kids. I am going camping with the kids and our friends at the weekend. She said she would not come if I did not want her to. I have not decided yet. Was half thinking that if she saw me having fun and ignoring her then she might start to respond or I could say no stay away and again she will probably be pissed off that I am spending time with her our joint friends. Then she could equally spend the weekend with her OM whilst I am away. emm decisions.
> 
> *That's tough one to answer! Okay, she's been spending time with her OM in front of you and you did nothing. But given how she treats you, say to her something like:*
> 
> * "It's a family camping trip, you can come if you really want to, it's your choice."
> 
> THEN WAKE AWAY!*


I have never seen so many posts backing YOU and telling you what to do. Your wife WANTS TO BE SINGLE AGAIN! LET HER! She'll wake up one day and realise exactly what she has thrown away. By then of course, you'll be happily remarried and your kids will have another mum.


----------



## SR125H

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> I have never seen so many posts backing YOU and telling you what to do. Your wife WANTS TO BE SINGLE AGAIN! LET HER! She'll wake up one day and realise exactly what she has thrown away. By then of course, you'll be happily remarried and your kids will have another mum.


Yes i have been overcome by the support on this forum. The frankness of the posts are tough to read but consistent and I am awaking myself to the acceptance that this is the reality. 

Thinking through through I have allowed myself to become the servant to the marriage and the way she is treating me know is her control mechanism to shift the blame. It is sad that she has now find out the hard way and no doubt be disappointed by OM when he has sucked her emotions dry for his physical self centred needs.

Today I have got into my work been to gym again and have started to sort next steps. Next call is legal advice to understand my options. I have btw ignored wife all day she was very used to me calling her everyday.

I am reading three books suggested and finding again that they talk to my situation.

In conclusion you are likely all right and it is sad though to think that my wife of 13 years was capable of this and so stubourn to change early in the marriage when I suggested marriage enrichment sessions.


----------



## GutPunch

From Day one you were told to expose to 
Soccer coaches wife. Why hasn't this been
done yet. Are you afraid of him or your wife.

DO IT NOW!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Shaggy said:


> I'm guessing she was private texting in the car.
> 
> Her drive tonight is to meet up with the OM
> 
> I say this because her actions scream that the affair is very much still going on.


They are for sune in contact if not deep in a full blown affair. If that's the case nothing can be acomplished. Nothing.
Remember BW could be an ally in this nightmare. Correct me if i'm wrong but you still didn't expose them.


----------



## tom67

GutPunch said:


> From Day one you were told to expose to
> Soccer coaches wife. Why hasn't this been
> done yet. Are you afraid of him or your wife.
> 
> DO IT NOW!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


EXPOSE TODAY!:iagree::iagree:


----------



## LostViking

Yes expose today. Your marriage is dead and gone. You literally have nothing to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blue Firefly

GutPunch said:


> From Day one you were told to expose to Soccer coaches wife. Why hasn't this been done yet. Are you afraid of him or your wife.


I've become convinced that the tendency to *avoid conflict* is at the root cause of why many men get cheated on to begin with.

So, it's no surprise that the OP hasn't exposed the affair--that would involve conflict.

Even when it involves a moral imperative--telling the OM's wife--the OP would rather place himself into the position of committing a moral wrong than face the conflict that telling the OM's wife would entail.

I really don't understand this attitude. It's like witnessing a rape and then keeping the name of the attacker to yourself. What the OM has done to his own wife is just as bad as a rape--he has violated her and their marriage--and yet the OP won't help her.


----------



## Remains

Avoiding conflict...in agreement! 

Equating witnessing of rape to that, or even that cheating on your wife is like rape....no! Totally disagree. I see where you are coming from in the emotional violation, but the comparibility is not equal or even near equal.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

SR125H said:


> I am pretty certain she met up with her toxic friend instead last night.
> 
> It is hard to read the message her and the reality hits home that I have allowed myself to be the Mr Nice Guy. I have downloaded the books an am reading quickly. Hard to accept it does kick you to realise that this is how I have been for 13 plus years. I held her on a pedistal and allowed her to control. me
> 
> Yesterday she had a go at me as I decided to put my son in for the county trials to basically give him a different focus. She said I should of consulted with her. She then said that I make all the decisions. I thought to myself. I only make decisions that you allow me to as I am that mr Nice Guy. she said that our son is not in the right frame of mind at the moment of the trials as he sensing whats going on to which I simply replied that she should have thought about that before she cheated and walked away.
> 
> This morning I got up nice and early and went to the Gym did not even say goodbye or offer the cup of tea that I used to always do.
> 
> Today I am going to start to focus on me and the kids. I am going camping with the kids and our friends at the weekend. She said she would not come if I did not want her to. I have not decided yet. Was half thinking that if she saw me having fun and ignoring her then she might start to respond or I could say no stay away and again she will probably be pissed off that I am spending time with her our joint friends. Then she could equally spend the weekend with her OM whilst I am away. emm decisions.


STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SHE THINKS.

Sorry, I have to yell. 
The 180 is for YOU and YOU alone. 
It helps YOU detach.
It helps YOU get fit.
It helps YOU raise your appeal rating.

A byproduct is that she may or may not notice. That is IRRELEVANT to you getting your life and priorities straight. Yes, it is hard. I know you are doing your best after a 13 year long habitual pedestal loving princess. 

You need to expose. I usually stay out of the exposure mess because I don't know where I stand. She threw it in your face, your kids face and in the face of your marriage. Time to go scorched earth. I'd tell the OM wife, your families and inform other parents. That way, the other team husbands can protect their wives. I'd want to know if a coach was trying to screw married moms.


----------



## LostViking

And if it seems we are being brusque and harsh with you, it is for the simple fact that we all can see you are a good man with a kind heart, and we don't like seeing good men or women trampled on this way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SR125H

LostViking said:


> And if it seems we are being brusque and harsh with you, it is for the simple fact that we all can see you are a good man with a kind heart, and we don't like seeing good men or women trampled on this way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks I am not offended by what you are saying better to face truths than live in denial.

btw one thing that seems a bit strange we had pre booked our marriage counselling which is tomorrow on the one hand she is saying that she is convince its over that she has tried on the other she is going along to the session. pretty much said that she would say what she thinks and see what happens but don't expect anything. I expect she is going along to real off the guilt trip stuff that she ranted on at me about on my return from abroad. How does the 180 operate in a situation like this. regardless whether our marriage is over in a sense she needs to deal with her issues.

I spoke to our company counsilling service today for me. They have got me onto legal advisor. They also listened to whole situation and they reckon she is not acting a marriage she is being childish and acting as single. They said I need to be assertive and treat her respectfully but not play to her game. They encouraged me to try and keep her in councelling for the kids sake even if this is to ensure when marraige ends that some communications can be improved so that I do not get issues with kids. They said she is having a parraLlel process living out her mums affair which followed by divorce then her dad dying couple of years later. She has had a hard times but it does not justify her child like behaviour. They said she needs to feel the pain of having to pay her way.


----------



## Shaggy

Exposé already.

I think you've held off because you we're afraid of making her angry.

Her actions scream the affair is back active. I'm guessing she cooled it off initially but once you didn't D and didn't expose, they decided it was safe to continue.

Exposé the OM. It's your very best tool at disrupting the affair,


----------



## awake1

Stop worrying about her. No I mean really. She's a big girl. 

Worry about #1, you and the kids. 

I've been where you are, and worried about the kind of mother my kids had, and how she has issues. It faded away, at least for me. 

Don't worry about her. Dont think on her motives, desires, anything. 

She is not the leading character in your life. She is supporting cast. Who cares what's going on in her brain? Why should it matter to you? 

Go out, have fun, live life, spend time with your kids. You, like me, sacrificed yourself for a family for more than a decade. Don't just be alive, LIVE. Do what you like. 

This person is not worth analyzing. 

We should be reading about how you're rebuilding you life. How you've reconnected with old friends, started having fun, doing what YOU want. 

You want to make happy posts as much as we want to read them. The only way for that to happen is for you to put you first for a time. You have got to find your balls. 

Have you had testosterone levels checked?

Man please, Im begging you. You're just like me, and trust me the grass on the other side is greener. You will one day realize you've been a fool for chasing after bad money. 

You are meant for more than this.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

SR125H said:


> Yesterday she had a go at me as I decided to put my son in for the county trials to basically give him a different focus. She said I should of consulted with her. She then said that I make all the decisions. I thought to myself. I only make decisions that you allow me to as I am that mr Nice Guy. she said that our son is not in the right frame of mind at the moment of the trials as he sensing whats going on to which I simply replied that she should have thought about that before she cheated and walked away.


See how well this worked? One of your biggest problems is that you talk to much. You raise the issue, engage her, and hash it to death. Some women, and your wife seems to be one, find that to be a huge turn off. Add to it that you give her every chance to justify her actions, and you can see that discussions with her don't help.

So don't have them. Short and to the point is your best path forward with her from now on.


----------



## LongWalk

Tall Average Guy said:


> See how well this worked? One of your biggest problems is that you talk too much. You raise the issue, engage her, and hash it to death. Some women, and your wife seems to be one, find that to be a huge turn off. Add to it that you give her every chance to justify her actions, and you can see that discussions with her don't help.
> 
> So don't have them. Short and to the point is your best path forward with her from now on.


:iagree:
Your wife is used to kicking your butt in arguments. You are used to it, too. So, as TAG suggests, do not engage in battles that reduce your credibility.

When one person wants a relationship to survive more than the other, they are the weaker party in the conflict. Your wife has not faced negative consequences for cheating. If you file for divorce, she may say fine. But divorce will change her life. If you are prepared to walk away, then your take her power away. If she wants to save your marriage, she will have to accept your terms.

You cannot nice her into loving you. She has to respect you. At the moment you aren't getting any.

Also, you have not exposed to OMW, despite many vet posters explaining how important that is.


----------



## LongWalk

LongWalk said:


> :iagree:
> Your wife is used to kicking your butt in arguments. You are used to it, too. So, as TAG suggests, do not engage in battles that reduce your credibility.
> 
> When one person wants a relationship to survive more than the other, they are the weaker party in the conflict. Your wife has not faced negative consequences for cheating. If you file for divorce, she may say fine. But divorce will change her life. If you are prepared to walk away, then your take her power away. If she wants to save your marriage, she will have to accept your terms.
> 
> You cannot nice her into loving you. She has to respect you. At the moment you aren't getting any.
> 
> Also, you have not exposed to OMW, despite many vet posters explaining how important that is.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

SR125H said:


> Thanks I am not offended by what you are saying better to face truths than live in denial.
> 
> btw one thing that seems a bit strange we had pre booked our marriage counselling which is tomorrow on the one hand she is saying that she is convince its over that she has tried on the other she is going along to the session. pretty much said that she would say what she thinks and see what happens but don't expect anything. I expect she is going along to real off the guilt trip stuff that she ranted on at me about on my return from abroad. How does the 180 operate in a situation like this. regardless whether our marriage is over in a sense she needs to deal with her issues.
> 
> I spoke to our company counsilling service today for me. They have got me onto legal advisor. They also listened to whole situation and they reckon she is not acting a marriage she is being childish and acting as single. They said I need to be assertive and treat her respectfully but not play to her game. They encouraged me to try and keep her in councelling for the kids sake even if this is to ensure when marraige ends that some communications can be improved so that I do not get issues with kids. They said she is having a parraLlel process living out her mums affair which followed by divorce then her dad dying couple of years later. She has had a hard times but it does not justify her child like behaviour. They said she needs to feel the pain of having to pay her way.


I am not convinced that counseling is your best move here. Consider cancelling it and telling her it is because there is no point as you don't want to be married. 

An alternative is to go into it and let the counselor know that you are here to figure out an amicable way forward in divorce for you and the kids. Have some bullet points on her cheating and disrespect to lay out to the counselor, but again, keep it short. Don't respond to her and justify.


----------



## SR125H

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am not convinced that counseling is your best move here. Consider cancelling it and telling her it is because there is no point as you don't want to be married.
> 
> An alternative is to go into it and let the counselor know that you are here to figure out an amicable way forward in divorce for you and the kids. Have some bullet points on her cheating and disrespect to lay out to the counselor, but again, keep it short. Don't respond to her and justify.


Think it has come down to that now. Just finished another argument this time I held firm. We had supposed to be doing some homework to plot a time line of events positive times and negative. The time line showed clearly 5 to 6 years of positive times and things then a whole load of events live her having two back ops her mother leaving her disabled husband for someone else then her dad dying kids, finance issues redundancy all in the last 5 years. After pointing this out she just laid into me again. saying for her the marriage is over. I said I accept that this is her choice to decide that however I will not accept she is in the state to have fully considered this. She asked again about me moving out of our bedroom. I said I was staying and she was free to leave and sleep in spare room. She then said I was an Axxxhle as her back is hurting. I ignored her. she then said if I am going to be like this then the divorce would be messy. Saying she is the primary parent. pointed out that I was not helpful around meals last couple of days. I simply said that if she intends to leave me then whilst I am providing the pay check she needs to pull her weight as she is not working. I said I will sort out the practical things around the house as I do anyway and spend time with kids.

I am in my bed right now and she is on sofa. feel bad but I had to assert myself I feel. I am pretty sure that her intent tomorrow was to try and get me to be submissive in front of the counsellor
I think you are right tomorrows session should be how we can ensure and amicable divorce for the kids sake.


----------



## Remains

Absolutely agree...in the counselling, do not waffle, don't get sucked into justfying. Think about what your focus is and stick.to it. Don't let her divert with petty issues or issues that take away from true real point. If she is/was unhappy, why didn't she fix it? If she is unhappy, why hasn't she left already?

I would bring the focus on setting a time frame and plan for her to move out if I were you. Let her say her piece and respond with (if it is the complaints you expect to hear) 'I realise you are unhappy with me and I realise you don't wish to work on the issues. Let's discuss what comes next...when are you moving out?'

That should bamboozle her! 

And yet you will be giving her all she wants it seems!


----------



## Remains

I wrote my reply before reading yours. 

Don't tell her she is not considering things fully! This is undermining her decision and her big girl pants. You will not get her to see she is not considering fully by telling her so.

Give her what she wants. And if giving her what she wants means she threatens you with a messy divorce just because she can't have the marital bed to herself...the MARITAL BED, the marriage that she wants out of FFS, then bring that to the counsellor tomorrow! See what they make of that. 

Give your wife what she wants. And NOT what she thinks she deserves.


----------



## Shaggy

You need to be deploying VARs in her car ASAP.


----------



## happyman64

The next time she says her back is hurting will you please say this:

"It amazes me how even though you are in such pain you are not hurting enough to shut your mouth nor your legs!"

Then walk away.

Get your lawyer in line.

And go find a nice woman that will love your kids as well as you.

Oh and make sure she has a strong back......

HM64


----------



## Chaparral

Can anyone think of a thread where the husband refused to expose the OM and still saved his family. Its like night follows day. 
No exposure=divorce.........no?


----------



## walkonmars

From here on out consider these two ideas before you act;

1. Will I be harming my children?
2. Will I be lowering my self-respect?

If the answer to both is "no" then do it. IF either is a "yes" think it over carefully.

And remember - you can't stay in your marriage solely for the kids. They will not benefit in their outlook if they see you being submissive and treated poorly. They will learn either that they should stand up (respectfully) for themselves or they will learn to cower. 

Teach them to stand up straight.


----------



## ThePheonix

happyman64 said:


> And go find a nice woman that will love your kids as well as you.


Absolutely. I think by now SR you realize that being the catering nice guy don't get you a lot of mileage with the women. If it worked, your old lady would be drawing your bath water and rubbing your feet instead of being a toxic cheating harpy. 
At the meeting tomorrow, think, "why should I keep living in this hell and putting up with this crap just to say married to this hellcat?"


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Think it has come down to that now. Just finished another argument this time I held firm. We had supposed to be doing some homework to plot a time line of events positive times and negative. The time line showed clearly 5 to 6 years of positive times and things then a whole load of events live her having two back ops *her mother leaving her disabled husband for someone else then her dad dying* kids, finance issues redundancy all in the last 5 years. After pointing this out she just laid into me again. saying for her the marriage is over. I said I accept that this is her choice to decide that however I will not accept she is in the state to have fully considered this.
> 
> *WOW! She's following in her mother's footsteps, "Like mother, like daughter".*
> 
> She asked again about me moving out of our bedroom. I said I was staying and she was free to leave and sleep in spare room. She then said I was an Axxxhle as her back is hurting. I ignored her. *she then said if I am going to be like this then the divorce would be messy.* Saying she is the primary parent. pointed out that I was not helpful around meals last couple of days. I simply said that if she intends to leave me then whilst I am providing the pay check she needs to pull her weight as she is not working. I said I will sort out the practical things around the house as I do anyway and spend time with kids.
> 
> *YOU NEED TO DOCUMENT EVERYTHING SHE DOES! If she wants the single life, blow her up to ALL her family and friends with HARD evidence!!!! *
> 
> I am in my bed right now and she is on sofa. *feel bad but I had to assert myself I feel.* I am pretty sure that her intent tomorrow was to try and get me to be submissive in front of the counsellor
> 
> *You feel bad, BUT DOES SHE feel bad about what she is doing to your marriage/family. NO!
> 
> If she complains about her back pain again, tell her:
> "I'm sure your Soccer Coach has some good techniques for back pain, why don't you call him, when his wife’s out of the house!"
> 
> Than WALK AWAY with a smile. *
> 
> I think you are right tomorrows session should be how we can ensure and amicable divorce for the kids sake.
> 
> *YES! Good, BUT HAVE YOU BLOWN UP ANY OF HER AFFAIRS YET?*


----------



## SR125H

Affair one the guy is single and moved away as he is a pro footballer.

Affair two letter written ready to post. Have been trying to get contact details for OW to ensure that he does not intercept. think i have the address.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

You are doing better with this. A couple of comments.



SR125H said:


> I said I accept that this is her choice to decide that however I will not accept she is in the state to have fully considered this.


Next time, stop before "however." Let her go and be clear that you are letting her go.



> She asked again about me moving out of our bedroom. I said I was staying and she was free to leave and sleep in spare room. She then said I was an Axxxhle as her back is hurting. I ignored her.


Good work. You did nothing wrong, so no need for you to leave the room. 



> she then said if I am going to be like this then the divorce would be messy. Saying she is the primary parent. pointed out that I was not helpful around meals last couple of days. I simply said that if she intends to leave me then whilst I am providing the pay check she needs to pull her weight as she is not working. I said I will sort out the practical things around the house as I do anyway and spend time with kids.


Great answer. 



> I am in my bed right now and she is on sofa. feel bad but I had to assert myself I feel. I am pretty sure that her intent tomorrow was to try and get me to be submissive in front of the counsellor


Feel bad here all you want. Don't show it to her, as it will only encourage these actions. Be prepared for the counselor. Have a list to keep things straight if you need it. Make clear where you dealbreakers are and why you want what you want.



> I think you are right tomorrows session should be how we can ensure and amicable divorce for the kids sake.


Make that clear and why. Also make clear that the only way this has any possibility of changing is if she puts in the work. No guarantees, but until then, you won't even consider it.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

SR125H said:


> Today I am going to start to focus on me and the kids. I am going camping with the kids and our friends at the weekend. She said she would not come if I did not want her to. I have not decided yet. *Was half thinking that if she saw me having fun and ignoring her then she might start to respond or I could say no stay away and again she will probably be pissed off that I am spending time with her our joint friends.* Then she could equally spend the weekend with her OM whilst I am away. emm decisions.


Ok, you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? - Stop trying to get her approval.


----------



## SR125H

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ok, you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? - Stop trying to get her approval.


Made decision and told her I am going on my own with kids and my camper van friends. No reaction


----------



## LostViking

Big surprise there.


----------



## GutPunch

Better start planting VARs
everywhere. I would definitely 
expose the affair before you leave
or I'd wash the sheets when you get back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

GutPunch said:


> Better start planting VARs
> everywhere. I would definitely
> expose the affair before you leave
> or I'd wash the sheets when you get back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, plan a couple of VARs, maybe a friend can check her whereabouts...
I'm rather sure she never stopped current affair.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

SR125H said:


> Made decision and told her I am going on my own with kids and my camper van friends. No reaction


Well, that's great but I hope you understand what I meant by approval.

You said:

*Was half thinking that if she saw me having fun and ignoring her then she might start to respond or I could say no stay away and again she will probably be pissed off that I am spending time with her our joint friends. *

Look at this line of thinking. On the one hand you have an ulterior motive for having her go along - winning her over. It's like the kid in middle school doing crap to impress the girls. Trying to seek her approval. On the other hand, you are worried that if you don't take her then she will be pissed. You NEED her approval ... having her permission to go without pissing her off is important to you. You need a radical shift in your thought process.

No, if you want to invite her along then great. Do it to reconnect with her, have a good time, etc. Do it because you would enjoy her company. Tell her exactly why you want her to go. Don't do it because of some sneaky ulterior motive that isn't going to work. If she doesn't want to then that's ok too. No begging allowed. The offer was there and she chose not to take it, no worries.

If you don't want to invite her then just tell her you're going. You want to spend time with your kids and friends. If she objects then offer a compromise but don't back down on going without her. You don't NEED her permission but every good marriage involves compromise as long as you don't in the process compromise your sense of self.

EDIT: ... and I agree with the others. Since she had no reaction at all and with her history ... break out the VARS.


----------



## Shaggy

Can you have a friend drive by the house at night an check for the OMs car?


----------



## SR125H

Shaggy said:


> Can you have a friend drive by the house at night an check for the OMs car?


Yes can get someone to do that

Just had her have a go at me as apparently my dad did not say hello to her when she dropped kids off tonight.
We had met at her mums birthday and said to me I am not alright your dad etc then silence. I shrugged my shoulders as I felt she was not sharing her feels she was wanting me to feel somehow responsible.

This has been her issue she could have said I felt up set when your dad ignored her. Then she owns her feelings.

Just went to bed and she had a go at me for being off. I said I understand your upset what are you expecting to happen?

She walked off with blanket and is downstairs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Tell her this is reality. Does she honestly think your Dad is happy to see her?

Tell her to get real and enjoy the couch.


----------



## Shaggy

Sorry but everything she's doing screams the affair is active again.

Do you want to know, or are you just read to file?


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Yes can get someone to do that
> 
> Just had her have a go at me as apparently my dad did not say hello to her when she dropped kids off tonight.
> We had met at her mums birthday and said to me I am not alright your dad etc then silence. I shrugged my shoulders as I felt she was not sharing her feels she was wanting me to feel somehow responsible.
> 
> This has been her issue she could have said I felt up set when your dad ignored her. Then she owns her feelings.
> 
> Just went to bed and she had a go at me for being off. I said I understand your upset what are you expecting to happen?
> 
> *She walked off with blanket and is downstairs*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shame on you SR125H! What kind of husband are you, what no good night kiss? naughty, naughty.......

Oh I know, Your starting to *Man-up*! Keep going......


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

What an angry entitled woman. Really? 
Why would he say hi to a cheater who ruined the entire family? Yes, it affects him as well. People forget affairs affect EVERYONE. It's why people call it a selfish act.


----------



## SR125H

Just got back from weekend camping with kids and our mutual friends. CW popped over for an hour but I think found it a little frosty.

Arrived home as how her friends christening was and she mentioned she had told them that she had separated from me. I simply replied that I was angry with her that she was destroying a lovely family. She has gone to her sisters for dinner and left us to sort ourselves out.

Kinda thinking now that despite the fact I love her. I really not sure I want to spend the next few years trying to repair her broken self centred mind. In fact if I do I will be knocking on into mid forties and it might be harder to move on.

Was thinking of sitting her down this week and showing her the financial reality of her actions. Then to tell the kids which they will be devastated.

Off to bank tomorrow to freeze joint accounts. 

Looks like I get a pretty raw deal from this though as she only works casual and will likely make claims on our assets due to her back. Anyway at the end of the day I have started to realise also that material things are not important.

I am going to find it hard to fall out of love with her despite the pain and anger inside.


----------



## bryanp

Maybe you should ask yourself why do you wish to love a woman who treats you like garbage?


----------



## SR125H

bryanp said:


> Maybe you should ask yourself why do you wish to love a woman who treats you like garbage?


Good point wife is a want not a need I guess. If I do not need and there is no reason to want then maybe I should move on


----------



## walkonmars

Your emotions are understandable. The inertia of 13 yrs is weighing on you. The uncertainty a future without her is also a reason for inaction. However, her guile, selfishness, vindictiveness, and deviousness will move you to action. 

You seem to be headed that way. There is no dance you can do to rectify this mess. It's all on her. 

When you've divested yourself of this creature you will feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Go 180 and stick to it. It's the best you can do.


----------



## warlock07

The affair is active. At this point, any additional evidence will be leverage in divorce. You marriage cannot be repaired or reconciled until she has a very major shift in her attitude. 

Does her family and mutual friends know about her affair ?


----------



## Remains

I wouldn't bother going through the financial implications for her. You don't want her staying or becoming uncertain just for that. Let her work through that on her own. It will all be part of the shock and awe you need when reality finally hits her. Don't cushion her reality and TT it to her. Let it hit her like a freight train.


----------



## SR125H

warlock07 said:


> The affair is active. At this point, any additional evidence will be leverage in divorce. You marriage cannot be repaired or reconciled until she has a very major shift in her attitude.
> 
> Does her family and mutual friends know about her affair ?


Yep they all know I busted it right open which she did not like. showed her sister the messages and our mutual friends. She is spending her time with the two friends one that is on her second divorce and the other is thinking of leaving her guy. seems this is the place she gets her support.


----------



## aug

SR125H said:


> Yep they all know I busted it right open which she did not like. showed her sister the messages and our mutual friends. She is spending her time with the two friends one that is on her second divorce and the other is thinking of leaving her guy. seems this is the place she gets her support.


That's good for her. Now you know she's getting advice from them and you need to protect yourself.


----------



## walkonmars

SR125H said:


> Yep they all know I busted it right open which she did not like. showed her sister the messages and our mutual friends.* She is spending her time with the two friends one that is on her second divorce and the other is thinking of leaving her guy. seems this is the place she gets her support.*


Well, Sahib, she has years of experience to draw from. 

But.... you have TAM... no match!!

Your marriage may not survive but you will.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Yep they all know I busted it right open which she did not like. showed her sister the messages and our mutual friends. She is spending her time with the two friends one that is on her second divorce and the other is thinking of leaving her guy. seems this is the place she gets her support.


So the ONLY friends that will support her are her new social group of toxic friends that want to be foot loose and fancy free. She's about to lose everything and she has no idea, what she is about to lose because of her new life style. PLEASE continue to think about YOU and the KIDS from now on. The ONLY person she's thinking about is herself and her new social group of toxic friends, let her! Remember misery loves company and she's in the perfect place for that to happen.
Keep going.....


----------



## LostViking

warlock07 said:


> The affair is active. At this point, any additional evidence will be leverage in divorce. You marriage cannot be repaired or reconciled until she has a very major shift in her attitude.
> 
> Does her family and mutual friends know about her affair ?


If I recall this OP is British. The British legal system as jaundiced against men as it is wil not care what evidence he brings forward. If anything he will most likely get busted for violating her privacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SR125H

LostViking said:


> If I recall this OP is British. The British legal system as jaundiced against men as it is wil not care what evidence he brings forward. If anything he will most likely get busted for violating her privacy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes I am from UK and it is not so good reading that she will probably benefit from a larger stake of the equity and pension which I have provided whilst she has been getting bored and enjoy company of others. Its seems that fault makes no difference in this respect.


----------



## LostViking

SR125H said:


> Yes I am from UK and it is not so good reading that she will probably benefit from a larger stake of the equity and pension which I have provided whilst she has been getting bored and enjoy company of others. Its seems that fault makes no difference in this respect.


All the more reason to walk away with as much integrity as you have left. I'm sorry friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

SR125H said:


> Yes I am from UK and it is not so good reading that she will probably benefit from a larger stake of the equity and pension which I have provided whilst she has been getting bored and enjoy company of others. Its seems that fault makes no difference in this respect.


Like they say, "It's the f-ing you get for the f-ing you got." At any rate, getting rid of pest and parasites cost you money no matter if they have eight, six, four, or two legs.


----------



## Remains

Sorry if I have missed this, bit have you exposed to the OMW yet?


----------



## bandit.45

SR125H said:


> Good point wife is a want not a need I guess. If I do not need and there is no reason to want then maybe I should move on


Hmmm. 

Ya think?


----------



## bandit.45

SR125H said:


> Yes I am from UK and it is not so good reading that she will probably benefit from a larger stake of the equity and pension which I have provided whilst she has been getting bored and enjoy company of others. Its seems that fault makes no difference in this respect.


That's why you need to quit eludicating, prevarocating, waffling and talking, talking, talking about it...

You Limeys talk sh!t to hell and back and still never make up your minds on anything. Get a solicitor, get the divorce paperwork going and extricate yourself from this madness.


----------



## ThePheonix

walkonmars said:


> The uncertainty a future without her is also a reason for inaction. However, her guile, selfishness, vindictiveness, and deviousness will move you to action.


That, my man, is the certainty of what he'll be dealing with if he keep her around.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Bandit,

How are you? Don't answer that! wait for it.....



bandit.45 said:


> That's why you need to quit eludicating, prevarocating, waffling and talking, talking, talking about it...
> 
> *You Limeys talk sh!t to hell and back and still never make up your minds on anything.* Get a solicitor, get the divorce paperwork going and extricate yourself from this madness.


Some Americans like YOU! _*Your words are my words:*_ *"Talk sh!t to hell and back and still never make up your minds on anything as well."* We have system here that is geared towards those that cheat and have the money to buy their way out of anything they want using expensive lawyers who know the system and how to twist it in their favour, I'm very sorry you don't understand this. But we do!

The ordinary man and woman on the street doesn’t have access to the best and the brightest lawyers so each step is a slower process for us. BUT don’t you [email protected] dare judge an entire nation based on your limited experience of us British. *I don’t judge all Americans that way and* *NEVER WILL!* Why? Because I have family that are Americans, I respect them as they respect me without the gutter name calling.

Have a nice day!


----------



## SR125H

Remains said:


> Sorry if I have missed this, bit have you exposed to the OMW yet?


Letter sent had call from OM on weekend tried to make out it was only EA and that the previous guy was more serious. He also said he was surprised cw was not wanting it to work. Reckon he is trying to limit damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Letter sent had call from OM on weekend tried to make out it was only EA and that the previous guy was more serious. He also said he was surprised cw was not wanting it to work. Reckon he is trying to limit damage.
> Posted via Mobile Device


Excellent! Have you contacted the school about the Soccer Coach and his extra activities with his student's mum(s)?

The school MUST have rules here and the other mums, husbands would be very interested in knowing what the Soccer Coach gets up to, don't you think? 

The Soccer coach is clearly a predator of married women, blow his world up as much as you can.
Come on....


----------



## Shaggy

Have you 

1- checked to see if she slept at home & alone this weekend?

2-checked the panties she wore this weekend, to see if there is discharge from another guy on them?

Her actions scream that the affair is still active.


----------



## SR125H

Shaggy said:


> Have you
> 
> 1- checked to see if she slept at home & alone this weekend?
> 
> 2-checked the panties she wore this weekend, to see if there is discharge from another guy on them?
> 
> Her actions scream that the affair is still active.


checked think she was alone. no evidence to suggest otherwise.


----------



## SR125H

180 continued today without issue. I went sailing with family minus CW. She cleared the spare room. I did not engage in discussion about the marriage. I carried on sorting my own stuff out. In the end she picked up the blanket and said I am going to bed in spare room. I said goodnight.


----------



## walkonmars

Keep it up. The 180 is for you. Get yourself centered on you. While you center yourself, she has no role in YOUR life. Discuss only critical issues of the kids welfare and legal issues. 

Yes, keep it up.


----------



## Dyokemm

So what info did OM2 spill on your WW and OM1 in a pathetic effort to save his own behind?

He was definitely trying to win you over with truth about your wife so you will view him as a friend and stop trying to expose him to his wife.

The POS probably intercepted the letter and is desperately trying to prevent further attempts by you.

I would not believe a word he says about his own relationship with your WW, but he can probably give you lots of info on POS 1. Your wife probably shared a lot of details with him while painting her woe is me, H is a jerk sob story.


----------



## Dyokemm

If you can get info from him about OM1 and then use it to confront WW, AND let her know that OM2 is the source of this and says there was really nothing between them but friendship (sneaky I know), your wife might become enraged and throw OM2 under the bus to you in her anger.

I've seen people do this almost without thinking when they think one of their co conspirators in some shady situation are trying to put all the blame on them and assume an air of innocence.

Think something similar happened on Wolfgar's (?) thread, where he used OM statements to OMW about his wife to get her to admit everything in a rage where she in turn threw OM under the bus with the entire truth because of her hurt feelings/anger.


----------



## SR125H

Only discussion tonight was about divorce options. I explained house will need to be sold. She said she could stay there and I pay half mortgage. I do not think so!!

its a bit complicated this UK system.


----------



## walkonmars

By no means should you allow her to stay in the home with you paying 1/2 the mortgage. Not at all!

She could be in arrears in no time and the banks would come after you. If she wants she can pay you 1/2 the equity and have the loan transferred to her name only (as if!). 

Don't engage in any small talk. Kids and divorce convos only. No crying, looking sad, being melancholy, etc. exude confidence.


----------



## SR125H

Ah missed that one I have been a bit grumpy last two days. I guess I need to cheer up and sound positive. I have told her that I will inform her of options next week regarding financial separation and divorce


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

bandit.45 said:


> That's why you need to quit eludicating, prevarocating, waffling and talking, talking, talking about it...
> 
> You Limeys talk sh!t to hell and back and still never make up your minds on anything. Get a solicitor, get the divorce paperwork going and extricate yourself from this madness.


Bloody 'ell, listen to the man SR125H!


----------



## GutPunch

SR125H said:


> Ah missed that one I have been a bit grumpy last two days. I guess I need to cheer up and sound positive. I have told her that I will inform her of options next week regarding financial separation and divorce


Yes...Do not be grumpy or ill with her. Put a big ole fake smile on your face and "Fake it til you make it"


----------



## SR125H

bryanp said:


> Maybe you should ask yourself why do you wish to love a woman who treats you like garbage?


Well guys a couple of weeks on and you are right. VAR identified very much still on. He is now splitting with his other half. Not sure if OW got my letter I have tried calling a couple of times but he keeps answering. Think he has diverted his landline.

I managed to find other evidence of my soon to be ex wife purchasing food for two in a shop near his house and no where she has any reason to go.

I confronted her and she has admitted meeting up. I have just said she could do me the courtesy of coming clean she is squirming as I drop the odd fact into the conversations.

I found out her two toxic freinds are also having and affair so we are arranging to be greeting them on there return from an evening boat trip in a couple of weeks.

Divorce petition will be in her hands tomorrow.

The one thing in the var that i did not want to hear was his comment about not expecting my kids to call him daddy just yet,

I think they are trying to engineer a harrasment plea to get me kicked out of the house. wife said I she nearly took all the pills the other day when I asked her for the truth. I was very calm saying you are lying I know its and that I deserve the truth. I said she is welcome to the guy.


----------



## CEL

Sad man but she has chosen him over you. Time to protect yourself here are some measures.

1. Have VAR on you at all times so she can't pull any harassment complaints.

2. Go to the OM house and tell his wife this way he cannot divert you.

3. Expose the toxic friends affairs to their SO's. Use the VAR recording if needed.

4. Go deep and dark. NO cuddling. NO hugs. NO kissing. NO sex. NO I love you. Just tell her you only want to talk about the kids, finances or divorce. The darker you go the better you will feel.

5 Start splitting the finances so that she cannot use YOUR money to finance the affair.

6. Cancel cell phone.


Sorry this happened and sorry you are here. We are all here for you and the more you post the more we can help you get through this also you can always come on here and vent. Good luck


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Well guys a couple of weeks on and you are right. VAR identified very much still on. He is now splitting with his other half. Not sure if OW got my letter I have tried calling a couple of times but he keeps answering. Think he has diverted his landline. *(FTP: Keep finding a way, she MUST be told).*
> 
> I managed to find other evidence of my soon to be ex wife purchasing food for two in a shop near his house and no where she has any reason to go.
> 
> I confronted her and she has admitted meeting up. I have just said she could do me the courtesy of coming clean she is squirming as I drop the odd fact into the conversations.
> *(FTP: Calm and to the point, I like it!)*
> 
> I found out her two toxic freinds are also having and affair so we are arranging to be greeting them on there return from an evening boat trip in a couple of weeks. *(FTP: Footloose and fancy free life style!!!! Misery loves it's own company. Let them have each other!!!!!!) *
> 
> *Divorce petition will be in her hands tomorrow. (FTP: Can you hear that sweet music playing in the background, feels good doesn't it.)*
> 
> The one thing in the var that i did not want to hear was his comment about not expecting my kids to call him daddy just yet, *(FTP: Not just an affair then? Looks like she was planning on replacing you all along!!!!) Bi1ch!!!!*
> 
> I think they are trying to engineer a harrasment plea to get me kicked out of the house. wife said I she nearly took all the pills the other day when I asked her for the truth. I was very calm saying you are lying I know its and that I deserve the truth. I said she is welcome to the guy.


Sooner or later your wife will take the *reality PILL* and wake-up to what she has thrown away. By then of course, you'll be long gone and with someone else worthy to be your wife and a new mother to your kids.

*Look who's MANNED-UP! and in Style! **Well done!!:smthumbup:*


----------



## Dyokemm

Blow up her toxic friends affairs by exposing to their spouses.

If they want to play a part in destroying your family, return the favor.

And make sure you keep trying on POSOM BW. I would bet that him splitting is a story he's feeding your WW in their clandestine meetings.

If he's really splitting, why is he trying so hard to block any attempts for you to reach his W by phone? Why did he try so hard to convince you it was just an EA?

And tell your wife that if this POS EVER thinks you will tolerate your kids being led to call him daddy, he has another thing coming.

This guy needs to be pummeled bad. Wreck his entire life in any way possible.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

SR125H said:


> The one thing in the var that i did not want to hear was his comment about not expecting my kids to call him daddy just yet,


Yet? What an arrogant D-bag. Yep, I know it sucks, but sell that house.


----------



## tom67

Dyokemm said:


> Blow up her toxic friends affairs by exposing to their spouses.
> 
> If they want to play a part in destroying your family, return the favor.
> 
> And make sure you keep trying on POSOM BW. I would bet that him splitting is a story he's feeding your WW in their clandestine meetings.
> 
> If he's really splitting, why is he trying so hard to block any attempts for you to reach his W by phone? Why did he try so hard to convince you it was just an EA?
> 
> And tell your wife that if this POS EVER thinks you will tolerate your kids being led to call him daddy, he has another thing coming.
> 
> This guy needs to be pummeled bad. Wreck his entire life in any way possible.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:YES!!!


----------



## alte Dame

I hear that cheaterville.com is up and active in the UK. The OM sounds like a good candidate for that once you have your divorce all settled.


----------



## walkonmars

He doesn't want to be called "dad" *yet* because he never intends to BE dad in any way. He'll drop her when he's done with her. 

Your best bet is to get them together asap to reduce your financial obligation. 

Tell your lawyer that "you've heard from reliable sources" that your wife may try to set you up with a bogus charge to get you out of your own home. - don't reveal the VAR

And do keep a VAR on your person for protection. In fact, you could let her see you use it whenever she speaks. It'll put her on notice that you're no fool.


----------



## Shaggy

I'd be posting the OM and the toxic cheating friends all up on cheaterville ASAP.


----------



## SR125H

Shaggy said:


> I'd be posting the OM and the toxic cheating friends all up on cheaterville ASAP.


yes I am working on how to expose without drawing to many problems in the divorce aspect. My solicitor is insistant that I stay put in the house and we will demonstrate to her that the house must be sold. She will not like this as it does not fit in there plans to intimidate me to move out and for me to pay half the mortgage. This may force her hand as they either have to make the relationship public or accept that the house will go and they have to start again on their own. In which case I would likely offer spousal maintenance now to save the equity impact knowing that this will be invalid as soon as he lives with her for 6 months.

In some ways Although I am filing I feel back in control. I am already looking forward to being single and having some space to do my own thing. I am now using the term ex wife. legally we are married but she no longer acts as a wife.


----------



## Shaggy

Why not expose it publicly yourself now?

I've never seen a single case here on tam where the threat of exposure was successfully used. Not one.


----------



## LostViking

Expose now to family and friends. It may not change her course, but it will definitely be entertaining...if nothing else.


----------



## BobSimmons

Get ducks in a row, make sure everything is airtight with regards to you moving forward with your life, when she's got the papers, expose the heck out of her, then detach.

Control is a very important word, because once your wife's pretty world where everything is going her way starts to collapse, she'll try to exert control of the situation again, and it starts with the person she knows best...you.


----------



## SR125H

BobSimmons said:


> Get ducks in a row, make sure everything is airtight with regards to you moving forward with your life, when she's got the papers, expose the heck out of her, then detach.
> 
> Control is a very important word, because once your wife's pretty world where everything is going her way starts to collapse, she'll try to exert control of the situation again, and it starts with the person she knows best...you.


Its definatly getting wierd by the second tonight she was encouraging me to go out for evening I went out with mate to play pool at home before I left she gets upset that I am spending all my time with kids and she is not getting a look in. Then says she had a letter from my solicitor and wanted to know why u am acting so quickly to divorce. Then whilst I am out she text me saying shall I leave the outside light on... What could that mean. I replied saying not sure and I can see in dark... Bizzare. Then I get a message saying hope your having good time... I ignored it... Really strange
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

SR125H said:


> Its definatly getting wierd by the second tonight she was encouraging me to go out for evening I went out with mate to play pool at home before I left she gets upset that I am spending all my time with kids and she is not getting a look in. Then says she had a letter from my solicitor and wanted to know why u am acting so quickly to divorce. Then whilst I am out she text me saying shall I leave the outside light on... What could that mean. I replied saying not sure and I can see in dark... Bizzare. Then I get a message saying hope your having good time... I ignored it... Really strange
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



As long as you were mopy, sad, angry, *NEEDY*, she had you figured out and considered herself superior with the upper hand. But now - she sees you more confident, man-of-action, taking charge. She's not so confident anymore - 

Oh, she probably still wants the OM but she's losing confidence in her future - especially since you laid out the future in clear terms. 

Stay strong - don't respond to useless chatter.


----------



## SR125H

walkonmars said:


> As long as you were mopy, sad, angry, *NEEDY*, she had you figured out and considered herself superior with the upper hand. But now - she sees you more confident, man-of-action, taking charge. She's not so confident anymore -
> 
> Oh, she probably still wants the OM but she's losing confidence in her future - especially since you laid out the future in clear terms.
> 
> My friend just said exactly the same thing. Think she did nit expect me to act so decisive
> 
> Stay strong - don't respond to useless chatter.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Your attitude of being ready to start dating etc. is sinking in. She's jealous. Asking about the light is wanting to know if you planned to come home.

Maybe she wanted some company and did not want you there.

Maybe she had to know if you were going to stay with a woman.

Maybe she is trying to set you up.

Do not trust or believe a cheater.

Here is the process to divorce mentally. The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck

Do not forget to work out, at a gym is best. Weight lifting is like a magic elixir, works and anesthisizes (sp) the body and mind.

To see if its jealousy, stop by a store and and squirt a sample of women's cologne on your shirt. Maybe your mom or sister could put a lipstick imprint on your collar. Of course it would be great if you could get a sales girl to do it, the lipstick thing I mean.


----------



## BobSimmons

SR125H said:


> Its definatly getting wierd by the second tonight she was encouraging me to go out for evening I went out with mate to play pool at home before I left she gets upset that I am spending all my time with kids and she is not getting a look in. Then says she had a letter from my solicitor and wanted to know why u am acting so quickly to divorce. Then whilst I am out she text me saying shall I leave the outside light on... What could that mean. I replied saying not sure and I can see in dark... Bizzare. Then I get a message saying hope your having good time... I ignored it... Really strange
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not bizarre at all. She's playing nice while still trying to exert control over you. I bet she didn't text that much when she was having the affair was she?

Even when you went out, exerting a show of independence, thinking singularly about yourself, something not involving your wife, she still had to exert some level of influence over the whole event, hence the texting about the light, you're out having fun, doing you, and beep a text message which forces you to think about her and keep her in mind until you get home.

The fact you even replied was a small victory on her part, which is something you must prepare for..a series a small battles in an overall bigger war. First the playing nice, then the getting closer, maybe even sex might be put on the table. Just be careful. She knows you better than you know yourself, so she'll be trying to get you back into the old habits..habits she knows and can control.


----------



## walkonmars

chapparal said:


> Your attitude of being ready to start dating etc. is sinking in. She's jealous. Asking about the light is wanting to know if you planned to come home.
> 
> Maybe she wanted some company and did not want you there.
> 
> Maybe she had to know if you were going to stay with a woman.
> 
> *Maybe she is trying to set you up.
> 
> Do not trust or believe a cheater.*
> 
> Here is the process to divorce mentally. The Healing Heart: The 180
> 
> Good luck
> 
> Do not forget to work out, at a gym is best. Weight lifting is like a magic elixir, works and anesthisizes (sp) the body and mind.
> 
> To see if its jealousy, stop by a store and and squirt a sample of women's cologne on your shirt. Maybe your mom or sister could put a lipstick imprint on your collar. Of course it would be great if you could get a sales girl to do it, the lipstick thing I mean.



Great post, but this is worth repeating:

*Maybe she is trying to set you up.

Do not trust or believe a cheater.*


----------



## MattMatt

Yep! Be very careful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SR125H

MattMatt said:


> Yep! Be very careful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I work at a gym so sorted on that. I have been going most days

She is not liking the extra attention I am giving the kids she commented that I seem to have the fun with them now..
I ignored her and then took kids out kayaking and then to a BBQ.
The second letter from the solicitor arrived today whilst I was out with kids she phoned me to say goodnight to kids as she was going to sisters. She sounded down.kids told her what a great time they had.

She also thinks I am moving to fast with divorce. I just said I am ready and giving her what she wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

SR125H said:


> ...She also thinks I am moving to fast with divorce. I just said I am ready and giving her what she wants....


Good answer. And great job with the kids. 

She wants you to continue to give her your paycheck while she has a good time. She's worried that she's going to have to be frugal and spend less time thinking about the OM and more time worrying about finances. 

She may play-act at wanting you both to spend more time thinking about your future. Don't fall for this game. You don't need a conniver in your life.


----------



## alte Dame

She's wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. Now you're taking away her cake and this is disorienting to her. Others have mentioned control & this is extremely important, especially to women.

A survey of many thousands of women a few years ago asked what one thing bothered them most in their daily lives. The number one answer was 'Feeling like I am not in control.'

So, stay confident, strong and decisive about your own life. Keep control of your life firmly out of her hands. Not only will it drive her nuts, but it is much better for you in general.


----------



## SR125H

Another tough day. Its fathers day in the UK. Took kids to church. Got home soon to be ex wife was grumpy and had a go at me for not telling her that I was filing and that she thought I want to be amicable. I replied I want it to be amicable so I am giving her want she wants. She then said I had a conflict of interest going with a solicitor that I knew as a friend. I replied its her partner and I can choose who I like. 

Afternoon was better I went to mates for a while and played with his engine from an old VW camper. She is rumpy tonight as she wants to go and be with her dad that passed away and she said get in before dark so she could its still an hour to dark and apparently I should have been home earlier.. Grrrr....

I do not think she likes me making all these decisions its as if she wants to be part of everything or be in control.


----------



## ThePheonix

Sounds like she wants your support and his "companionship".


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Another tough day. Its fathers day in the UK. Took kids to church. Got home soon to be ex wife was grumpy and had a go at me for not telling her that I was filing and that she thought I want to be amicable. I replied I want it to be amicable so I am giving her want she wants. She then said I had a conflict of interest going with a solicitor that I knew as a friend. I replied its her partner and I can choose who I like.
> 
> (FTP: This is EXACTLY what I do! The best way to control a situation is to use your opponents own words against them. You shut them down instantly! Good Job!
> 
> Afternoon was better I went to mates for a while and played with his engine from an old VW camper. She is rumpy tonight as she wants to go and be with her dad that passed away and she said get in before dark so she could its still an hour to dark and apparently I should have been home earlier.. Grrrr....
> 
> (FTP: Sorry about your FIL passing away! But the rest, she's trying to control you.)
> 
> I do not think she likes me making all these decisions its as if she wants to be part of everything or be in control.
> 
> (FTP: Do you really care about that? She's seeing for the first TIME you have a BRAIN, a MOUTH, and a HEART and when put together you become a independent, strong MAN, a HUSBAND (ex soon), and FATHER, and she can't handle.)


Keep going....:smthumbup:


----------



## SR125H

Just managed to get a recording with OM saying that his wife does not know we are having sex etc and he needs to keep her happy so she eventually is ok with the relationship. Clearly my letter was intercepted. my sister has tried to call tonight and no answer. I just called and he answered. I think OMW maybe away. Hoping to get over there tomorrow. 

I have a group of friends all now looking out for an opportunity to bust this right open. My soon to be ex wife is house sitting tonight for her sister and no doubt enjoying her night. 

I have heard a load of talk that they want to get the house valued low so that the equity is small and she can buy me out then take some of the pension. Then do house up and sell. He is telling her to discourage me from tidying up the house. I have as a result decided to organise a house tidy party for all my freinds in a couple of weeks once I have returned from a short holiday. We will drink beer and sort the garden out and then get the house valued. She will not be happy


----------



## Shaggy

Have you posted OM on cheaterville yet? If not you need to correct that today.

I'm guessing OM is at her sisters with her. You really have got to mess with them.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

> Just managed to get a recording with OM saying that his wife does not know we are having sex etc and he needs to keep her happy so she eventually is ok with the relationship. Clearly my letter was intercepted. my sister has tried to call tonight and no answer. I just called and he answered. I think OMW maybe away. Hoping to get over there tomorrow.


The OM will do everything to prevent you from contacting his wife! Try talking to the neighbours about when she's in, you never know they may just give you enough info, for you to act.



> I have a group of friends all now looking out for an opportunity to bust this right open. My soon to be ex wife is house sitting tonight for her sister and no doubt enjoying her night.


You have friends in the SAS? Oh man "*Who Dares Wins*"....



> I have heard a load of talk that they want to get the house valued low so that the equity is small and she can buy me out then take some of the pension. Then do house up and sell. He is telling her to discourage me from tidying up the house. I have as a result decided to organise a house tidy party for all my freinds in a couple of weeks once I have returned from a short holiday. We will drink beer and sort the garden out and then get the house valued. She will not be happy


Yep! They both want the house and the money! That's ALL the affair is about! *Fix it up and sell it fast!*

Here, own these sage words:


> Success is not final, failure is not fatal! It is the courage to continue that counts - Winston Churchill


*"keep calm and carry on"*


----------



## SR125H

Shaggy said:


> Have you posted OM on cheaterville yet? If not you need to correct that today.
> 
> I'm guessing OM is at her sisters with her. You really have got to mess with them.


Yep posted this morning


----------



## SR125H

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> The OM will do everything to prevent you from contacting his wife! Try talking to the neighbours about when she's in, you never know they may just give you enough info, for you to act.
> 
> 
> 
> You have friends in the SAS? Oh man "*Who Dares Wins*"....
> 
> Not quite SAS but they are angry mutual friends of me and my CW and they are raging at what she and the OM is doing to our family. They are shutting her off from freindship and are making trips to check if OMW is home
> 
> 
> 
> Yep! They both want the house and the money! That's ALL the affair is about! *Fix it up and sell it fast!*
> 
> Here, own these sage words:
> 
> 
> *"keep calm and carry on"*


----------



## SR125H

Funny thing just happened I was calling some of the high used unknown numbers last night and found that it was another man that was hitting on my wife at my daughters birthday he was the entertainer. I called him 11pm last night and he was in the middle of a gig and had left phone on... Karma prevails. He posted on face book that his gig was intterupted by a cold caller.


----------



## tom67

SR125H said:


> Yep posted this morning


Please send me a link thanks.


----------



## LongWalk

Me too, please. Cheaterville always seems to work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SR125H

tom67 said:


> Please send me a link thanks.


will do it takes up to 48 hrs to go live apparently


----------



## happyman64

good for you SR.

continue to make their lives uncomfortable.


----------



## Chaparral

There used to be a link on cheaterville that you could use to send annoymous emails to other people,.............like his wife, other players parents etc.
Good job outing him, enjoy the fireworks.


----------



## SR125H

removed link


----------



## SR125H

Tonight Our plan to out them big time and visit his wife came to an abrupt end. They were due to go out on an evening boat party. We had arranged folk to watch them get on board take pictures and whilst they were out to drive to wife and tell her. Problem was CW got on board without him but with other toxic girls and there lovers. Think maybe he was tired from the previous nights adventures. Back to the VAR for a day or two. I am away for a few days after that. We will get to his wife somehow.


----------



## tom67

SR125H said:


> Soccer Coach steals parent of kid he was coaching - Brendan White


Thanks this should go viral.:lol:


----------



## Shaggy

You should proof read your post on cheaterville and clean it up, it'll be more powerful if well written.


----------



## LongWalk

Shaggy said:


> You should proof read your post on cheaterville and clean it up, it'll be more powerful if well written.


Yes, fix the text up a bit.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

SR125H said:


> Tonight Our plan to out them big time and visit his wife came to an abrupt end. They were due to go out on an *evening boat party*. We had arranged folk to watch them get on board take pictures and whilst they were out to drive to wife and tell her. *Problem was CW got on board without him but with other toxic girls and there lovers.* Think maybe he was tired from the previous nights adventures. Back to the VAR for a day or two. I am away for a few days after that. We will get to his wife somehow.


A boat party for cheaters, liars, and toxic friends; was the name of the boat, by any chance called the RMS Titanic? nudge, nudge, ,  get it..

Keep going, you're doing great!


----------



## SR125H

A letter went to OW house on Friday sent from a friend who works in the local council to avoid OM intercepting. So far I have not been contacted by OW so I will keep trying until we get a confirmation.

So my solicitor is advising me that I should not use the VAR material as it is not admissible and could end up with a non molestation order.

So I am really keen to understand if I would likely in the UK get any legal issues if I just here hear some of the content. Was think of sending a few clips to her. Maybe the one saying best not let my wife know I am rude word you.


----------



## SR125H

SR125H said:


> A letter went to OW house on Friday sent from a friend who works in the local council to avoid OM intercepting. So far I have not been contacted by OW so I will keep trying until we get a confirmation.
> 
> So my solicitor is advising me that I should not use the VAR material as it is not admissible and could end up with a non molestation order.
> 
> So I am really keen to understand if I would likely in the UK get any legal issues if I just here hear some of the content. Was think of sending a few clips to her. Maybe the one saying best not let my wife know I am rude word you.


 Oh and the var is installed in a car legally registered to me if that makes a difference.


----------



## Shaggy

If you use the VAR to gather intelligence, but never directly reveal it, then no one will ever be the wiser.

When in doubt, learn from the cheaters and just deny deny deny


----------



## SR125H

Well a few weeks later and the situation has blown up in a massive way.

My CW maintains her story that the relationship was plutonic only. emotional support. The Evidence says otherwise. The OM was manipulating her to get the house value low so they could buy out the equity. 

In the end whilst I was away at the weekend my close friend who knows the other man went to the OMW house to make sure she had received the letter that was sent to her. Then the next day he challenged the OM to call him if he had any balls.

He called him and was grilled for over an hour and admitted the relationship and plans. 

Now my CW is mad with him for leaving her as the only person maintaining the original story.

Added to this totally unrelated really my CW best friend was also discovered. My CW is saying that I had informed the guy which is not true and I simple replied that neither of you could hide this.

The divorce petition is in she is fighting with me now on everything and thinking she can stay in the house. she is losing her mind as we cannot afford to keep the house.

btw to end it all I have a second date on saturday and CW seems a little surprised.


----------



## tom67

SR125H said:


> Well a few weeks later and the situation has blown up in a massive way.
> 
> My CW maintains her story that the relationship was plutonic only. emotional support. The Evidence says otherwise. The OM was manipulating her to get the house value low so they could buy out the equity.
> 
> In the end whilst I was away at the weekend my close friend who knows the other man went to the OMW house to make sure she had received the letter that was sent to her. Then the next day he challenged the OM to call him if he had any balls.
> 
> He called him and was grilled for over an hour and admitted the relationship and plans.
> 
> Now my CW is mad with him for leaving her as the only person maintaining the original story.
> 
> Added to this totally unrelated really my CW best friend was also discovered. My CW is saying that I had informed the guy which is not true and I simple replied that neither of you could hide this.
> 
> The divorce petition is in she is fighting with me now on everything and thinking she can stay in the house. she is losing her mind as we cannot afford to keep the house.
> 
> btw to end it all I have a second date on saturday and CW seems a little surprised.


:smthumbup::smthumbup:Good for you!


----------



## SR125H

bandit.45 said:


> Keep up the pressure. Don't back down from her and spread the truth about her to all who will listen.
> 
> If you keep going on as you are, showing some spine, someone is going to mistake you for a Yank.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Already done she seems surprised that all the football parents know and blaming me. I simply reminded her that she was so obvious that as soon as I said we were divorcing they guest why and who..


----------



## bandit.45

SR125H said:


> Already done she seems surprised that all the football parents know and blaming me. I simply reminded her that she was so obvious that as soon as I said we were divorcing they guest why and who..


Damn man I would date you if I could. Good job!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Now carry a var with you so she doesn't get you kicked out of the house we hear it's kind of bad for guys over there.


----------



## SR125H

tom67 said:


> Now carry a var with you so she doesn't get you kicked out of the house we hear it's kind of bad for guys over there.


Yes they can try for a non molestation order with very little evidence. I have already caught her trying to record me. following me around trying to entrap me.

I am hanging in here at the moment in the house but it is pretty draining to say the least.


----------



## happyman64

SR

Enjoy your date. Get a kiss on the check and put it on your phone homescreen.

Let her know she has been "replaced" and it was very easy to do.

H!


----------



## Shaggy

Enjoy the date, and even make sure you come home via the walk of shame, even if you have to just stay out by yourself.


----------



## SR125H

Shaggy said:


> Enjoy the date, and even make sure you come home via the walk of shame, even if you have to just stay out by yourself.


Date delayed to Thursday now due to a work commitment she has. At least she works and has little time to cheat on people.

Had letter from her lawyers today saying I should move out to my parents as she is finding living in the same house unbearable. We have responded to the effect of No you move out and leave the kids with me.


----------



## tom67

SR125H said:


> Date delayed to Thursday now due to a work commitment she has. At least she works and has little time to cheat on people.
> 
> Had letter from her lawyers today saying I should move out to my parents as she is finding living in the same house unbearable. We have responded to the effect of No you move out and leave the kids with me.


:iagree::lol::lol:


----------



## LostViking

SR125H said:


> Date delayed to Thursday now due to a work commitment she has. At least she works and has little time to cheat on people.
> 
> Had letter from her lawyers today saying I should move out to my parents as she is finding living in the same house unbearable. We have responded to the effect of No you move out and leave the kids with me.


Yesssss!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WyshIknew

Post made on Cheaterville.


----------



## LongWalk

PM link please!


----------



## TOMTEFAR

WyshIknew said:


> Post made on Cheaterville.


PM link please?


----------



## LongWalk

Since this names your wife as an adulterer, she will go ballistic. Have you planned for that?


----------



## LostViking

Where is the link? Do we have to belong to some special clique to get it? Can I use my Buck Rogers decoder ring?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SR125H

LongWalk said:


> Since this names your wife as an adulterer, she will go ballistic. Have you planned for that?


I have had to hide the post for now as the legal side is getting very prickly and it does not help my cause yet. Enough people know anyway..

The law here gives the woman loads of power and she has been not holding back on making up a load of rubbish around privacy and harassment. Want to make sure i have it on paper that I can have shared access to kids.


----------



## LongWalk

The UK legal system is not so nice.

Have any of the other parents approached you offering sympathy or condemning the soccer coach?

By the way affairs with soccer coaches have popped up TAM before.


----------



## SR125H

LongWalk said:


> The UK legal system is not so nice.
> 
> Have any of the other parents approached you offering sympathy or condemning the soccer coach?
> 
> By the way affairs with soccer coaches have popped up TAM before.


Hi some of the parents worked it out from their interactions and behaviours so when I said I was divorcing they just immediately thought exactly that. I did not have to say.


----------



## LongWalk

Horrible for your child. Sorry.


----------



## SR125H

Well 3 months down the road and the 180 has been creating some very roller coaster times. The OMW found got in touch with me. She made him admit everything and show her all his phones. He then convinced her to work on the marriage or so she thought. She insisted in no contact with my STBX and he seemed to be playing both woman telling the different stories. This has now backfired. The twist is that he became aware my STBX had also started a relationship with a parent of one of the football players I coach at a totally different club. This started early May. Again she Denied it then I showed her the 200 plus text messages sent on her bill at the time when I was away and she was supposed to be making the marriage work after the first bloke was discovered. I am now considering excluding this parent from coming to watch games as he conducted an inappropriate relationship with the wife of the coach..

Anyway it seems that she has isolated all her long term friends through the lying. It is now getting difficult as she has lost all sense of rational and is refusing to consider that we will have to sell the house as we will not be able to afford it. Her lawyer is going down the line that I pay the mortgage and child maintenance and she stays in the 4 bed house until kids are adults. I cannot pay that and rent my own place.. She is bonkers


----------



## Dyokemm

SR125H,

Your WW is indeed bonkers.

Just keep the process of removing this toxic woman from your life moving forward as quickly as possible.

This is now 3 OM in a short period of time right?

Maybe one day, she will finally clear her head and realize she destroyed her life and the happy childhood of her children, but it won't be any time soon.

Move on and find a deserving partner.

Try to keep your interactions with this disaster of a woman to a bare minimum in the future for your own peace of mind in life.

I predict that she will eventually lose your kids, or have very strained relations with them after they grow up and realize what she did to the family and why.

And definitely expose OM3 to his wife and ban him from the games. What a POS.


----------



## bandit.45

She's not bonkers. She's desperate. Keep up the pressure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

She went after a new guy whose kid you coach? Bizarre. Does OM3 have a wife or GF? Sounds like she sought out someone else whose marriage had failed; nice to have something in common. Seems that human sexual urges cannot be denied and once conventional life is over there is no reputation to protect. The next OM becomes easier. Probably she has a strong need for reassurance from the new OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad

Post all of them to cheaterville.

Move forward with your life minus the lying chesting spouse.

You will be better off in the end.

Also, some schmuck will likely end up with your STBXW... poor [email protected] with luck maybe it will be one of her current OM's. Then he'll get what he deserves.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

SR125H said:


> Just managed to get a recording with OM saying that his wife does not know we are having sex etc and he needs to keep her happy so she eventually is ok with the relationship. Clearly my letter was intercepted. my sister has tried to call tonight and no answer. I just called and he answered. I think OMW maybe away. Hoping to get over there tomorrow.
> 
> I have a group of friends all now looking out for an opportunity to bust this right open. My soon to be ex wife is house sitting tonight for her sister and no doubt enjoying her night.
> 
> I have heard a load of talk that they want to get the house valued low so that the equity is small and she can buy me out then take some of the pension. Then do house up and sell. He is telling her to discourage me from tidying up the house. I have as a result decided to organise a house tidy party for all my freinds in a couple of weeks once I have returned from a short holiday. We will drink beer and sort the garden out and then get the house valued. She will not be happy


Holy fckn jebus shttballs, are they even mammals, or some kinda cold blooded reptiles, that is some cold planning going on behind your back, and all the time she is looking you square in the eyes....

I can never trust a woman again....


----------



## tom67

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Holy fckn jebus shttballs, are they even mammals, or some kinda cold blooded reptiles, that is some cold planning going on behind your back, and all the time she is looking you square in the eyes....
> 
> I can never trust a woman again....


That is extreme


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

tom67 said:


> That is extreme


What's extreme about what I wrote. Do you think their/her behaviour is human? Plotting to his very face to take his house from him while fcuking another man? What's so "emoticon confusing" about that? It's just plain evil.

Since I registered at this forum, my eyes have been well and truly opened. 

Leave the political correctness at the door, their are some horrid realities at play in this modern era that the average male needs to be availed of in order to defend themselves.

Chateau Heartiste (thank you Machiavellian) is the best blog I have ever read.


----------



## tom67

The Cro-Magnon said:


> What's extreme about what I wrote. Do you think their/her behaviour is human? Plotting to his very face to take his house from him while fcuking another man? What's so "emoticon confusing" about that? It's just plain evil.
> 
> Since I registered at this forum, my eyes have been well and truly opened.
> 
> Leave the political correctness at the door, their are some horrid realities at play in this modern era that the average male needs to be availed of in order to defend themselves.
> 
> Chateau Heartiste (thank you Machiavellian) is the best blog I have ever read.


No no she and this situation is extreme I agree with you. Good grief she has lost almost all her friends to go after some strange even after being outed that's what I meant. :iagree:


----------



## tom67

tom67 said:


> No no she and this situation is extreme I agree with you. Good grief she has lost almost all her friends to go after some strange even after being outed that's what I meant. :iagree:


Mach is a good straight shooting guy too.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

tom67 said:


> Mach is a good straight shooting guy too.


Yeah, Machiavellian, Chapparal, Bandit, Decorum, SlowlyGettingWiser (among others) they opened my eyes. With some pretty brutal PM's to me too. I'm not there yet, I have a lifetime of being a shtt eating beta to overcome, but I am getting better everyday, I'd be in a bad place had it not been for TAM, infact I more than likely would have committed suicide


----------



## MrMathias

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Chateau Heartiste (thank you Machiavellian) is the best blog I have ever read.


Really? Can I ask what you like about it? I made the mistake of reading some of the comments and felt like I was listening to highschoolers argue.


----------



## SR125H

Dyokemm said:


> SR125H,
> 
> Your WW is indeed bonkers.
> 
> Just keep the process of removing this toxic woman from your life moving forward as quickly as possible.
> 
> This is now 3 OM in a short period of time right?
> 
> Technically its now 4 as last month she admitted going on a date with someone she me when doing some casual work. OM3 is divorced and had a girlfreind certain around the time this started. Not sure his status now.
> 
> Maybe one day, she will finally clear her head and realize she destroyed her life and the happy childhood of her children, but it won't be any time soon.
> 
> Move on and find a deserving partner.
> This is something I am doing. I have met someone. Early days but she is really nice and intelligent. A teacher so she will likely be good with kids. STBX seems jellous despite wanting to have relationships herself oh and the person I met is single and not cheating on anyone.
> 
> Try to keep your interactions with this disaster of a woman to a bare minimum in the future for your own peace of mind in life.
> 
> I predict that she will eventually lose your kids, or have very strained relations with them after they grow up and realize what she did to the family and why.
> A number of folk have made observations that she is verbally very short with the kids when I am not around.
> 
> 
> 
> And definitely expose OM3 to his wife and ban him from the games. What a POS.


----------



## SR125H

I was not expecting this 180 thing to be quite so hard. MWW has started a relationship with another soccer dad of my team this time and is doing so right in my face in front of the kids. This one seemed to have started whilst she was seeing the coach of my sons other team (no longer). He seems to be a real rough chap and would not put them together. I think this is going to car crash. 

She is being a pain on every front of the divorce as well. Have been in mediation and she is really cold and just snipes at me trying to construct silly little things such as making out that I was with holding savings from her and that her recent back problems were me making her work.

The issue now faced is that she is expecting me to let her stay in the 4 bed house with the kids and for me to pay her mortgage and child maintenance. I cannot afford to pay this as is let alone with me renting another place. She has been given some strong indicators that she cannot expect to live in a 4 bed whilst I stay in a one bed lodging and call that a home for the kids. We have shared access for the kids.

The issue is that she is not working and is not very motivated to work. I only see an option of selling the property and she rents or has to get a much smaller place on joint mortgage. Again the later would be tight and put me at risk from rate rises.

She picks fault on my every move sends me a nasty text and then tells me not to text her when I reply. Its almost Narcissistic behaviour.


----------



## WyshIknew

Narcissistic?

No she is just a nasty, vindictive, self entitled slapper of a cow.

To be honest if it wasn't for the kids you'd be well rid of her.


----------



## LongWalk

You've been shocked so many times now. Don't know how you stay so cool. Keep on with the 180, allowing for communication when she is rational.

Treat her respectfully when she is sane. Use standard 180 replies to cut her short

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## SR125H

LongWalk said:


> You've been shocked so many times now. Don't know how you stay so cool. Keep on with the 180, allowing for communication when she is rational.
> 
> Treat her respectfully when she is sane. Use standard 180 replies to cut her short
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_



Standard 180 replies. Any good ones you can advise. is there a list somewhere..


----------



## awake1

SR125H said:


> Standard 180 replies. Any good ones you can advise. is there a list somewhere..


"Yes, I can pick the kids up." 

"Yes, I am happy to have the kids this weekend." 

"Yes, I can buy sally shoes." 

"No I cannot watch sally tonight. I am working." 

Examples of non 180 replies: 

"How was your day?" 

"We should talk about us." 

"You really hurt me." 

"I love you, why are you doing this to me?"

If she says:

"Maybe if you were a better husband I wouldn't have cheated." 

Response: no reply. 

"I can't live like this, I don't know if I want you or OM."

No reply. 

These are just examples. Theres different ways. Just make sure you shut down all non essential communication. 

As for her working or not, chances are someone is going to make it obvious she needs to at some point. Don't worry about that, follow the lawyers advice. 

Minimize your relationship to her in as many ways as you can. Make it an ever smaller part of your life. Fill the time you spend with her doing other things. 

Use other men and women friends for your socializing.
Have hobbies. Do things either by yourself, with friends, or with your kids.

I recommend lifting weights and self improvement. talk to friends, even if only by fb. Go out with people from work. 

Whatever it is, stay busy. As you do things without her, you'll probably get reminded of what it was like being single. You'll begin to recognize how much your life revolved around her.


----------



## SR125H

awake1 said:


> "Yes, I can pick the kids up."
> 
> "Yes, I am happy to have the kids this weekend."
> 
> "Yes, I can buy sally shoes."
> 
> "No I cannot watch sally tonight. I am working."
> 
> Examples of non 180 replies:
> 
> "How was your day?"
> 
> "We should talk about us."
> 
> "You really hurt me."
> 
> "I love you, why are you doing this to me?"
> 
> As for her working or not, chances are someone is going to make it obvious she needs to at some point. Don't worry about that, follow the lawyers advice.
> 
> Minimize your relationship to her in as many ways as you can. Make it an ever smaller part of your life. Fill the time you spend with her doing other things.
> 
> Use other men and women friends for your socializing.


Gotcha yes I think I sometime fall into the how are you one. Frankly I no longer care how she feels just whether she is progressing with the divorce and of fit state to look after the kids.

I am not very confrontational I find it stressful when she asks what I am doing with my time and what I said to my friends about stuff. She also uses the kids a lot to angle her attacks and I end up trying to justify or argue her ridiculous points down. 

For example get a text last night saying you did not say goodnight to kids.

I respond "Incorrect. Please just stop this silliness"

she comes back with the kids said it..

I knew I was right as I gave the kids a goodbye and my son a hug just prior to her laying into me. But whats the point she is just trying to get my back up


----------



## LongWalk

The classic reply is: "I am sorry that you feel that way."

Or "I am not comfortable with the direction this conversation is taking."

Mavash is the expert. If she helps you, you can do great things. But she only helps those who catch on. 

Read ReGroup's famous thread.

Remember once you grow your balls back, your wife may fall in love with you again. The chances are poor. But it is better to emerge with no wife and intact gonads neither

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Shaggy

Why is she both the cheater and the one calling all the shots here?

Why are you in a small place, while she is in the house?


----------



## BK23

Shaggy said:


> Why is she both the cheater and the one calling all the shots here?
> 
> Why are you in a small place, while she is in the house?


...UK.


----------



## awake1

Don't get lulled into arguing with a cheater. 

Pressing your buttons is how they keep you engaged in the sinking relationship. Like an addict they will manipulate or make outlandish promises to keep you in the loop. 

From what i've lived with, and seen there is often a dynamic. 

It's usually either fighting to provoke an emotional response, and so move you into replying so you keep communication ongoing. 

Or, making outlandish promises to keep communication going. 

Do not fall to the temptation of fighting or arguing. You can never decouple doing this. So long as she knows how to push your buttons you are a puppet on her strings. 

The solution isn't to have new buttons, it's to not have any. Do not give her any power over you. 

This is a time for looking ahead and building a foundation for a single future. 

You may not see it, but when stay at home mom is forced to work, is forced to face reality, there will be a come down from the drama high. 

I understand your anger and frustration, but when you step back and realize the very fast train barreling toward her coming down the track, you might get to a place of empathy. 

The same kind of empathy you might feel for someone who is an addict, even if they did it to themselves.

Being a single mom or dad isn't easy. Neither is replacing an honest spouse you carelessly throw away.


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## SR125H

BK23 said:


> ...UK.


I meant that she was expecting me to live in a smaller place not that I am going to. I have made it clear that if she expects that she can live in a 4 bed then she cannot consider me living in a 2 bed parity or acceptable for the kids to call home. I have a boy and a girl one whom is approaching teenage years and they will need some privacy. She has had several hints that legally they courts would look for fairness once the kids priority needs are dealt with and that four bedrooms is a want and not a need.

I am current staying at a friends for a while to keep my sanity but have made it very clear if the house is not on the market in the next few weeks I will move back in.


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## bfree

SR125H said:


> I meant that she was expecting me to live in a smaller place not that I am going to. I have made it clear that if she expects that she can live in a 4 bed then she cannot consider me living in a 2 bed parity or acceptable for the kids to call home. I have a boy and a girl one whom is approaching teenage years and they will need some privacy. She has had several hints that legally they courts would look for fairness once the kids priority needs are dealt with and that four bedrooms is a want and not a need.
> 
> I am current staying at a friends for a while to keep my sanity but have made it very clear if the house is not on the market in the next few weeks I will move back in.


Since you aren't living in the house she can't claim that you abandoned the family and home can she?


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## ThePheonix

SR125H said:


> For example get a text last night saying you did not say goodnight to kids.
> 
> I respond "Incorrect. Please just stop this silliness"
> 
> she comes back with the kids said it..
> 
> I knew I was right as I gave the kids a goodbye and my son a hug just prior to her laying into me. But whats the point she is just trying to get my back up


You're letter her play you man. Do something like this:

_For example get a text last night saying you did not say goodnight to kids._

No reply or simply "I'll catch um next time." 

_she comes back with the kids said it._

No reply.

Catch her in a verbal fog where she has nothing to push against. You're not challenging her first comment. You're saying you'll catch them next time, which you will.


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## SR125H

bfree said:


> Since you aren't living in the house she can't claim that you abandoned the family and home can she?


No I checked this out and agreed in mediation the child contact arrangements prior to moving out. It was made clear that my moving out was due to the hostile behaviour in the house.


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## WyshIknew

BK23 said:


> ...UK.


To be fair I think things are improving on the UK mainland. The incidences of Dad having to move into a run down bedsit and live on baked beans and bread while mum moves toyboy into 5 bedroomed house while dad pays for it all are changing. Just a bit slowly.

There are quite a few dads rights movements that are very vocal and visual in getting the unfairness across to the powers that be.


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## SR125H

WyshIknew said:


> To be fair I think things are improving on the UK mainland. The incidences of Dad having to move into a run down bedsit and live on baked beans and bread while mum moves toyboy into 5 bedroomed house while dad pays for it all are changing. Just a bit slowly.
> 
> There are quite a few dads rights movements that are very vocal and visual in getting the unfairness across to the powers that be.


Lets hope so. Tonight was a typical night. I dropped kids off and she gave me an earful. suggested that I spend £1k to do some decorating and flooring in the bathroom as she thinks it will add 10k to the house. absolute hog wash. My reply was no and when are you going to put on the market. she could only say when her solicitor gets back to her.


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## the guy

SR125H said:


> Lets hope so. .


The only constant in life is change...so lets hope guys like you and many others start getting support from the courts when it comes to getting betrayed by WW, that want things they don't diserve!

Good luck


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