# am i doing it all wrong?



## hope-its-not-too-late (Mar 25, 2009)

the whole story....

me and my wife had being seeing each other for maybe 3 years, all was good, she had 2 kids to a previous relationship, didn't bother me, the kids were cool, i enjoyed having them around. we should go further and get married. 

All was good for a while, then maybe 6-8 months ago, my work started to fizzle a bit, i'm a building contractor, changed around companies a bit, that sort of thing, money was pretty tight, we were in some serious finacial trouble, my roofing contracting company went bad. we got a flat mate in, she bugged me, but needed the money. The flat mate ended upmoving her lowlife scumbag boyfriend in.

Meanwhile I Got a new job, a decent one this time, good money, a bit stressfull thou, involves a bit of travel around, sometimes exteneded periods, maybe lasting 6 weeks, i fly home as often as i can, every 2 weeks usually. 

The bills were getting payed, the mortgage was getting better, all was good i thought. My wife, who was getting bored/lonely i guess, started gambling and drinking heaps. We both enjoy a few drinks, so i din't notice any warning signs.

Started noticeing about the money going to gambling, and also that the flat mate wasn't pulling her way.

Between the new job and now has probably been maybe 3-4 months, i think i was also paying more attention to work and the allmighty $$ than to my wife. just before christmas, i had been hinting at the flatmate/s getting the hell outa my house for a while, but its a bit difficult to boot them out onto the streets when there was a baby involved. 

Christmas time. I was to be having 2 weeks off, got all my holiday pay, fridge was full of beer, freezzer was full of food, nothin to do, but sit around and relax. still had 4 days to go till last day thou. my money was gone in 3 days, spent on gambling and anything else that wasn't sitting still, most of my beer was gone, and there was stuff all food left. 

I got pretty damm annoyed as you can imagine, sat around all day drinking the last of my beer, before anybody else could get too it, i was fuming mad, and blind drunk,very bad, the flatmates scumbag boyfriend had a shot at me over something, he was wasted on drugs and who knows what else, i lost it.

Result, me telling everyone what i thought of them, and that they were a bunch of a-holes for spending all my $$ etc, theres was broken glass everywhere, my poor wife coped an ear full, i waved a broken bottle at her, the kids saw it.

Meanwhile, the flatmate, whose boyfriend caused this, has call the police. I get draged away, arrested etc, and had a court order placed on me that i waasnt alowed back to the house

I ended up staying at a friends house, not too far away, i was talking to the wife still and we were trying to work things out but i got sent away halfway through january, i was still paying the bills at the house. the flat mates were still there. I got really annoyed about this, i let issues be known.

Finaly got rid of the flatmates, but i was still feeling huge frustration about being away from my wife, the court order was still in place, i think i started taking my frustration out on her, i was bored and lonely and miles from anyone i knew. we would have some good conversations and some reallly crap ones, we were still catching up, when i could get down there, but we get a hotel room in town.

skip forward to the present, im going to be going home soon, and the court order will be dealt with in a few days, but i dont know what i have said or done, but now i am pretty much not wanted anymore.

I realise that i have said some very hurtfull things, due to compleate frustration and anger at the situation that i was in. I have had no one to talk about these things with except my wife.

Ihave organised marriage counseling for us, its actually starting tomorrow, but she has said that she has really ' found herself' over the last few months, and is tired of us and dosn't want to try anymore.

i don;t know what to do, i am going to be putting 200% effort into this, but she isn't sure

Any advice


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## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

Sounds like things without the flat mates will be much better!! Also sounds like your wife is the type of person who needs a husband who is always around. This is perfectly fine, some women are more independent and like the space but some women really need that constant companionship. Since this is obviously the case as she replaced your absence with drinking and gambling, is there a position with your employer that you can move into that would not require you leaving for weeks at a time? Or can you start looking around for another job that would keep you at home?

If things were good before the traveling job and the flat mates, I think your relationship has a lot of hope! :smthumbup: During counseling this should all become clear. 

Just curious: how much time passed during all of this? (when things started going down hill until now?)


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## hope-its-not-too-late (Mar 25, 2009)

i can probably change position in the company.

as far as time goes, it started getting bad maybe 3 months before christmas

im scared that i have stuffed eveything


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## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

hope-its-not-too-late said:


> i can probably change position in the company.
> 
> as far as time goes, it started getting bad maybe 3 months before christmas
> 
> im scared that i have stuffed eveything


Don't worry too much, that isn't all that long ago since things were still "good"

Be positive and encouraging for yourself and your wife. Show her that you are truly interested and committed to making her happy and regaining the wonderful relationship you had before the new job and the squatters came along. Show her that you love her and want to make it work, really listen to her and calmly share your feelings, and whatever you do, don't be pushy or demanding or it will push her further away.


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