# Desperate!



## sadwifeconfused (Aug 23, 2014)

I need support and help and I have no one I can talk to this about. Ive been with my husband for 13 years, met wen i was 14. At 17 I have my first baby with him and married a year later. 

We lived with this mum and had no financial worries as we both had good jobs. When my first child was 3 we moved in our own house. Before buying the house everything was fine and I felt happy even though we had a few arguments where he got very emotionally and verbally abusive to me when drunk. 

When we moved in our new house we decided to have another baby. On my first scan they told me a I had a cancerous tumor in my cervix and needed chemo and stayed unemployed for 6 month when we just bought a house. The sickness, financial and stress of moving and the heartbreak of no being able to even try getting pregnant until after a year really messed up our relationship. when we finally had the baby the sleepless nights and a crying baby 24/7 made us really resentful towards eachother and started comparing what house work we had each done. (I do all housework, cook, clean, dishses, laundry, dusting, playing with kids, drop them off at school and nanny everyday) He works same hours as me but does less than half the housework I do. 

Sex life....he has premature ejaculation and its nearly impossible of me coming before him  he goes to bed with my baby whilst I finish cleaning and getting all clothes ironed and ready for work and for kids for next day. HE falls asleep with baby and i dont like waking him up for sex and he sleep talks and tells me to leave him alone etc. moral of sex life not great. 

I think ive lost respect for him since one day he went out since 1pm to 1 am and came home shouting at me (whilst 2 month old baby was asleep) he grabbed my leg and pulled me off the bed and started saying he wanted sex. I said no and he started shouting and slapped my leg, my baby woke up crying so i picked him up and he was walking around the hse following me shouting horrible things whilst i was holding the baby. he said he was gonna kill me and my dad. I forgave him but then he did something similar again. since then i dont feel the same way about him, hard to explain. he is critical of me all the time and we have nothing in common to talk about. sometime I fantasize what my life would be without him and I think I would be happier. 

Im so happy and funny around my friends, but around my husband Im quiet and sad and angry. Im scared to say something he doesnt like or replys with something I dont wanna hear. Ive ended up with antideppresants, sleeping pills and Im only 26.

I wouldnt be able to go elsewhere and I cannot afford to pay this house on my own. I dont drive so Im dependent to him in that also. Obv I also think I would break my kids heart to have a broken family  Im so confsued and have no one to talk about this ((( my family told me they do not wanna know anything about my marriage problems if I am going to stay with him ( help pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


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## sadwifeconfused (Aug 23, 2014)

sadwifeconfused said:


> I need support and help and I have no one I can talk to this about. Ive been with my husband for 13 years, met wen i was 14. At 17 I have my first baby with him and married a year later. We lived with this mum and had no financial worries as we both had good jobs. When my first child was 3 we moved in our own house. Before buying the house everything was fine and I felt happy even though we had a few arguments where he got very emotionally and verbally abusive to me when drunk. When we moved in our new house we decided to have another baby. On my first scan they told me a I had a cancerous tumor in my cervix and needed chemo and stayed unemployed for 6 month when we just bought a house. The sickness, financial and stress of moving and the heartbreak of no being able to even try getting pregnant until after a year really messed up our relationship. when we finally had the baby the sleepless nights and a crying baby 24/7 made us really resentful towards eachother and started comparing what house work we had each done. (I do all housework, cook, clean, dishses, laundry, dusting, playing with kids, drop them off at school and nanny everyday) He works same hours as me but does less than half the housework I do. Sex life....he has premature ejaculation and its nearly impossible of me coming before him  he goes to bed with my baby whilst I finish cleaning and getting all clothes ironed and ready for work and for kids for next day. HE falls asleep with baby and i dont like waking him up for sex and he sleep talks and tells me to leave him alone etc. moral of sex life not great. i think ive lost respect for him since one day he went out since 1pm to 1 am and came home shouting at me (whilst 2 month old baby was asleep) he grabbed my leg and pulled me off the bed and started saying he wanted sex. I said no and he started shouting and slapped my leg, my baby woke up crying so i picked him up and he was walking around the hse following me shouting horrible things whilst i was holding the baby. he said he was gonna kill me and my dad. I forgave him but then he did something similar again. since then i dont feel the same way about him, hard to explain. he is critical of me all the time and we have nothing in common to talk about. sometime I fantasize what my life would be without him and I think I would be happier. Im so happy and funny around my friends, but around my husband Im quiet and sad and angry. Im scared to say something he doesnt like or replys with something I dont wanna hear. Ive ended up with antideppresants, sleeping pills and Im only 26. I wouldnt be able to go elsewhere and I cannot afford to pay this house on my own. I dont drive so Im dependent to him in that also. Obv I also think I would break my kids heart to have a broken family  Im so confsued and have no one to talk about this ((( my family told me they do not wanna know anything about my marriage problems if I am going to stay with him ( help pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


I also suffer anxiety and he says its not true that im very dramatic and blames my anxiety on my anti anxiety medication. he says that those pills are driving me crazy. He keeps telling me Im crazy (even infront of my kids) He also says I never wanna do anything and Im lazy!! When I dont sit down until 12am every night and he is in bed at 9pm!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your children would be heartbroken if you split. They will also be heartbroken for having grown up in a home with parents do not get along and an abusive father. Has your husband started abusing them yet? He will most likely as they get older. Is this really what you want your children to learn about life? Do you want them to learn that this is what marriage is like? Your children would be better in a home without all that strife.

So far you have depressants, have insomnia and health problems form living like this. This is like putting your hand on a hot stove every day and then complaining that your hand is burned, infected and never heals… well of course it does not .. you keep letting yourself be hurt day after day.

Your parents are right to tell you that they do not want to hear out it as long as you stay with your husband. I’m sure it hurts them to know that you and the children are being hurt like this when they cannot do anything to stop it.

At some point you are no longer a victim and instead a willing participant in your own abuse. It might be harsh but it’s true. It was this realization that got me to get out of an abusive relationship. 

What’s sad is that you have all the power in the world to stop the abuse. All you have to do is to kick him out or you move out with your children. You choose to stay. But your children have no choice. They are stuck. They depend on you to protect them. But instead of you protecting them you are forcing them to stay in this angry, unhappy home. IF you change your focus from you being a victim to you being the mother lion who will protect her children from all harm you just might find the strength you need.

Will your family help you if you start working to get out of this relationship?

Find a domestic abuse organization where you live. Go there and get counseling. They can help you in many ways. Start researching your right legally. How much child support would you get? Would your husband have to pay you any alimony?

Also, if your husband ever gets violent with you again, or starts breaking things, etc… call the police. Get a restraining order. This will get him out of the house. Let those in authority teach him that abuse is not acceptable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadwifeconfused said:


> I also suffer anxiety and he says its not true that im very dramatic and blames my anxiety on my anti anxiety medication. he says that those pills are driving me crazy. He keeps telling me Im crazy (even infront of my kids) He also says I never wanna do anything and Im lazy!! When I dont sit down until 12am every night and he is in bed at 9pm!


Why do you listen to this nonsense? You know it's not true.

From now on, every time he starts talking like that to you just say "STOP", then walk away and take the children with you. Go to another room, or leave the house and go for a walk.

Leave him and his foul mouth with no one to talk to.

Oh, and ask your parents to teach you how to drive.

My understanding is that you have a job outside the home, right?

How do the two of you handle your finances? Joint account? who pays the bills? Do you keep your own money?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Paragraphs please. Otherwise I'm not sure I can make it through your wall of text. Thanks.


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## sadwifeconfused (Aug 23, 2014)

we keep a join account so we share the money. by law where i live u need to be taught in a driving school and i cannot afford it now. yesi work outside home and although I want the day at work to be over to see my kids I dont look forward to seeing my husband. There is this work collegue I work with and I really like him. i barely eat and lost lots of weight and feel sluggish and tired all the time. He goes to play tennis every afternoon and I love it when he is gone. he is not abusive to me when sober just wen he drinks. he is generally a good father and spends alot ot time with the kids.I would feel horrible throwing him out and asking him for money


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Paragraphs please. Otherwise I'm not sure I can make it through your wall of text. Thanks.


Yes. Please.


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## sadwifeconfused (Aug 23, 2014)

oops sorry im new to this


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## sadwifeconfused (Aug 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You say that your children would be heartbroken if you split. They will also be heartbroken for having grown up in a home with parents do not get along and an abusive father. Has your husband started abusing them yet? He will most likely as they get older. Is this really what you want your children to learn about life? Do you want them to learn that this is what marriage is like? Your children would be better in a home without all that strife.
> 
> So far you have depressants, have insomnia and health problems form living like this. This is like putting your hand on a hot stove every day and then complaining that your hand is burned, infected and never heals… well of course it does not .. you keep letting yourself be hurt day after day.
> 
> ...


I know you are right, I just am sooo stupid and dont have the guts to tell him to leave I would feel awful! I couldnt do that to him


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## sadwifeconfused (Aug 23, 2014)

thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadwifeconfused said:


> we keep a join account so we share the money. by law where i live u need to be taught in a driving school and i cannot afford it now.


Go to a domestic violence center, Get counseling. One of the things that they should work on is to help you get to be more independent. I would not be surprised if they had a fund to pay for diving classes. 




sadwifeconfused said:


> yesi work outside home and although I want the day at work to be over to see my kids I dont look forward to seeing my husband. There is this work collegue I work with and I really like him.


This sounds like you are in an emotional affair. Stay away from this guy. You need to solve your marriage problems first. 


sadwifeconfused said:


> i barely eat and lost lots of weight and feel sluggish and tired all the time.


Get some good vitamins and start eating. What you are doing will only make your life harder.


sadwifeconfused said:


> He goes to play tennis every afternoon and I love it when he is gone. he is not abusive to me when sober just wen he drinks.(


Your husband goes out playing tennis after work and leaves you alone to take care of your children, cook, clean the house. He goes to bed at 9pm and you have to stay up to midnight to take care of the children and clean. Him dumping all of that on you is a form of emotional abuse. So he’s abusive every day of your life.

Now the abuse he does when he’s drunk? Abusers seldom do this kind of abuse every day. They only do it when they feel a need to control and hurt you. Abusers get a brain chemistry high when they are being abusive… so they do it when they need that high. They also do it when they feel they are losing some control. Do an internet search on “cycle of abuse”. Do some reading so that you gain the understanding of the fact that what he’s doing is abuse and it fits the cycle.

Your husband is also an alcoholic. You make a lot of excuses for you… we call that co-dependent.




sadwifeconfused said:


> he is generally a good father and spends alot ot time with the kids.


A good father does not insult and call their mother names. He does not abuse their mother. He does not get drunk and abusive. He’s not a good father. He is an abusive alcoholic who is damaging his children. You are behaving in a co-dependent manner, making excuses for him, walking on egg shells and thinking that one day you will find the magic fairy dust that will turn him into the prince charming you once thought him to be. People who are co-dependent put their abusive/alcoholic spouse’s needs a head of their own needs. The co-dependent person then becomes a victim of abuse. That’s where the two of you are at.

Get the book “Codependent No More”, By Melody Beattie. Join Al-Anon.. its an organization for partners/spouses of alcoholics.




sadwifeconfused said:


> I would feel horrible throwing him out and asking him for money


He is an abusive alcoholic. You obviously cannot live like this. He is obligated to support his own children. One of the reasons that he acts like he does is because he knows that you will not throw him out. He knows that you will put up with all of the abuse, all the crap.. so why should he behave? The only way to get someone like him to wake up is to kick him out and hope that he hits rock bottom and decides that he wants his family and wife more than he want to continue to be an abusive asshat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadwifeconfused said:


> oops sorry im new to this


Are you on a computer or a cell? If you are on a computer you can see a button on the right bottom of your first post that says "Edit". Click that and add paragraphs. 

A lot of people will look at that post and not read it. So you could be missing a lot of support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadwifeconfused said:


> I know you are right, I just am sooo stupid and dont have the guts to tell him to leave I would feel awful! I couldnt do that to him


No you are not stupid. Your are paralyzed because you are looking that a mountain and you do not have the strength to move that mountain. Most people do not.

So how do you do this? Well if it's a mountain, one wheel barrel of dirt at a time. And you get some other people to help you when you can. And before you know it.. you'll look up and the mountain is gone.

So how do you do this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."* [ Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher (604 BC - 531 BC) ]

You do it by making an exit plan and by getting help.

Here are two links.. one to a safety plan and one to an exit plan. Look at them and write up your own plan based on your situation. It will take you a bit to work this plan. But if you do a bit every day, some day leaving will be one step.. then another step, then another, until you have finished the journey.

Domestic Violence: Safety Plan
Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

If your husband is lucky, as you heal and make your changes, he will wake up and start acting like a husband and father.

Part of that plan has to be building your support system. Join Al Anon. Find a counselor at an organization for domestic abuse. You will most likely meet people at these places who will be happy to be supportive of you. 

Start reading books and websites that will help about abuse, the cycle of abuse.

Read books.. "
"Co Dependent No More", 
"Why Does He Do That? - By Lundy Bancroft
"The Dance Of Anger" - By Lerner
"His Needs, Her Need"
"Love Busters"

And of course you can come here to TAM for support.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

You deserve to be with someone who will appreciate you and not treat you like garbage because they have been drinking. His drinking is not an excuse for bad behavior...he needs to be in substance abuse counseling.

If this man has violent tendencies I would not advise you to try talking to him about your needs. Instead you need to be creating an exit plan. Start saving so you can afford driving lessons and ensure you are in a situation financially to be responsible for you and your children without his support.

Are you able to stay with your parents for a while? This does not have to be the end of the marriage but he sounds incredibly selfish and aggressive. He needs to work on himself while you and the children are not there with him every day. You do not need to abandon your marriage but he needs serious help.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ditto to the other responders. 

Also, to be clear - he is not verbally abusive because he drinks. He is verbally abusive because that's who he is. Alcohol doesn't make someone abusive, it simply removes their inhibitions and the real them comes out.


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## sadwifeconfused (Aug 23, 2014)

But why do I feel horrible about telling him to leave.

I think i couldnt forgive myself for doing that.

I cannot save any money as he always ontop of how much money there is.
Plus we are having financial difficulties how it is already.

We have talked on occasions about divorce and he makes it so difficult for me. 

This guy has been with me since I was 14, he know me better than anyone and knows how to hurt me.

Having anxiety/OCD and other tendancies i find it really hard to deal witha. Separation.

Sometimes i feel that i cud not deal with the whole situation.

I have no friends as my life revolves around, work, house and kids. And my family are not very supportive.

Sometimes i feel like this is my life and i have to accept it and just deal with it. 

But it gets so hard at times, sometimes I just stay home alone whilst he goes out with kids because I dont wanna spend time with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Okay, you've listed all these "reasons" why you can't leave. Now what? He's obviously not going to magically change unless he's motivated to. Have you tried counseling? There are no guarantees there either but it's a step in the right direction.

PS
Stay away from the work colleague.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadwifeconfused said:


> But why do I feel horrible about telling him to leave.
> 
> I think i couldnt forgive myself for doing that.
> 
> ...


Yesterday I spent a lot of time and effort posting to you on how to move to a point where you are stronger and able to make the decision to divorce him. Did you just ignore it?

Sure it's hard to just tell him to get out. For one thing you cannot legally force him to leave unless he's done something to hurt you and you call the police. So you need to have a plan and work the plan.

Let's talk about that. Let's focus on your plan. You keep wanting to focus on this huge insurmountable problem that overwhelms you. Instead you need to focus on making a plan first. Then working the plan.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sadwifeconfused said:


> I know you are right, I just am sooo stupid and* dont have the guts to tell him to leave I would feel awful! I couldnt do that to him*


WHY?? Because he is so loving and supportive?? Because he is such a good guy?? Because he is a child incapable of caring for himself?? Stop making excuses as to WHY you cant leave, and start making a plan. I would suggest you open up to your parents about all this crap. It sounded to me like they would be helpful to you if you want to leave.


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