# Separated, thinking about getting back - Help



## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

Hi. 

My wife and I are currently separated. We didn't get divorced because we thought maybe things were worth saving, but wanted some time of living apart. A while has passed and now we are coming to the point of either trying back at it or getting a divorce. I'm trying to figure out what I should do.

A little back story... We've been married for 5 years now and together for 9. We have a child. Things came to a head after my son was born. During a large chunk of the pregnancy, we weren't having sex - my wife didn't feel like it. But we always talked about how it would be after - we'd have good sex again. Well, that time came, and I didn't want to. And my wife got angry and asked me about it, and this problem exposed some issues with our relationship. She asked me why... I had a hard time telling her... in a nutshell, I had lost a lot of if not all attraction for her. Right or wrong, I told her that was how I felt. At the time, my wife was around 70 pounds overweight. And I felt that the weight was just too much.

My wife didn't want to listen to me. Before the pregnancy she was around 60 pounds overweight and we were still having sex a couple times a week.
So, she felt like things should just go back to normal. But for me, although this might be unfair, my view had changed. There are various reasons, and I will try to explain the best I understand.

1. Having a kid basically freaked me out. The realization that I've got a kid which is an 18 year comittment at least, really made me scrutinize my marriage - some subconsciously, some consciously. But for me it put a spotlight on my wife's weight issues which she had for years, which I basically overlooked because of the other qualities which I admire and love about her.

2. This one is extremely unfair and foolish on my part - but it must be said - I developed a huge crush on a woman whom I worked with. I did not fall in love with her - honestly I didn't particularly like her personality, but physically she attracted me like no woman I had ever been around before... even compared to girls when I was younger with raging hormones. It just made me realize how much of a hole there was in my relationship with my wife... And how much had always been missing. My wife was always rather overweight. I think when we met, she might have been 10 pounds overweight, but as the years went on, she put on more and more weight. I didn't think that it would ever be a problem because I never fell in love with because of our crazy physical chemistry - yes, we had good enjoyable sex, but attraction was just above average. I fell in love with her personality, but eventually the physical issues for me overruled all of that.

3. The time without sex made me feel like, instead of really wanting my wife more, that I could basically go without it and that I wasn't that interested in the sex anyway.

So, as our sex frequency dwindled down to around once a month, with her initiating, we started getting into some heated arguments about it. I told her how I felt, and soon after we started going to counseling.

In counseling, I told my story and placed an emphasis on the weight being an issue for me that was making me disinterested in sex and causing systemic problems for me: I was feeling resentful; I was being aloof in the relationship; I was stubborn about planning activities on the weekend. I felt that if her weight improved to a healthy amount or even close to it, attraction would be possible and these related problems would get better. Maybe I was oversimplifying, delusional, idk. The therapist looked for other reasons why our relationship might be rocky. He said that it's not the weight - if you love someone then you can look past that. And he said that her losing the weight for our relationship wouldn't be healthy for her - she would have to do it for herself, because what if she lost it all for us and things still weren't better. He suggested that we go out on date nights and try to rekindle those feelings.

So we went out on a few date nights and they were nice nights out but all I kept thinking and feeling was, I don't want to be here, I don't like this, and I couldn't keep myself from looking at other women. :-/ I felt so frustrated.

I got a membership to the gym to support her because she already had a membership. Before I had been exercising playing sports at other facilities. And she would go. And she worked out hard, but even though over the years she had worked out, it never really seemed to make a significant difference. I've thought that maybe she has a medical problem, and she's admitted that she secretly eats but I don't know the extent of it so I've been so confused about how her exercise hasn't seemed to make a difference.

I tried to give her enough time to enjoy herself as well as exercise. She worked half days 4 days a week while I worked 9 hour days 5 days a week. I would pick up our son from the babysitter after work 4 days a week and do everything to get him to sleep. As time went by, even tho my wife was exercising, nothing really seemed to change. We wouldn't have sex until my wife really pressed it and then we would fight and have sex after. Eventually I came to the idea that I would just have sex for her even though I didn't want to. That made things seem better on the surface but really nothing had gotten any better.

Eventually I started thinking about sleeping with other women - at first I thought, to give myself an outlet that satisfied me - but nothing permanent. She decided to take a vacation over the summer with our son for 6 weeks or so, visit her family, clear her head, because she too was stressed by all of this. I don't believe it, but it's possible she did this to test our relationship, idk, she says that she didn't but she says that she doesn't regret it either. But anyway, while she was gone, I slept with someone else, someone I just met online. And I didn't feel bad a bit, it felt great. I mean, I guess you could say, no surprise there, but then again there could have been this awful feeling and guilt. And eventually when she came back what I did was tell her that I thought we should get a divorce and that I had slept with someone else and that I didn't feel bad and I thought that this was an awful sign for our relationship and that we should get a divorce.

She flipped out and I felt absolutely horrible, but at the same time I felt like this was the right thing to do. We started sleeping in separate rooms and eventually I moved out to a friend's apartment. When that happened, I started to feel kinda scared - like alone and unsure of life on my own.

I started talking to lawyers and getting the info and my wife started talking to me about divorce papers and asking me what we would have to do. Eventually some time went by and I felt like I couldn't move on the divorce formalities. She kept asking me about it and eventually I realized that I was afraid of making it all final. My wife had been my best friend. I had never connected with anyone like her before, I was afraid of losing that, but there was still something seriously wrong with our relationship I could not rightly go on with.

So that's when we decided to separate instead of divorce. She moved back with her parents, I sold our house, and it's almost been a year since then. We've been living in different states far apart. We've seen other ppl, but I don't think either of us has met anyone special to us like we were to each other. She has still wanted to get back with me for most of this time - give it a try again. Altho, she doesnt want to be with me if we don't have romance and passion and if I dont fight for the relationship. She says that she's lost 10 pounds, although when I saw her a month or two ago I didn't notice any difference. I still have that feeling that if we were to be together again, I would feel trapped and want to look elsewhere for the sexual side. But I feel like, idk, maybe there's still a chance, the weight thing is something that can change, and even though it hasn't for years I still have this feeling that it could be fixed and I would be happy giving her want she wants and I would be happy for myself.

Idk... What does everyone else think? Thank you so much if you've read this far. I extremely appreciate you taking a look here.P
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If you want my honest opinion, I think you're an a**hole. Your wife can do better than an inattentive, judgey husband who criticizes her for her weight (when she clearly has body issues), who won't give her the physical and emotional attention she deserves, and who cheats on her when she goes out of town to visit her family. And I think she's finally realized she deserves better than what you've given her.

You might think I'm being cruel/unkind, but you asked for opinions. And people here on TAM are opinionated and honest. I don't think you'll like the response you're going to get -- if anyone else responds to your post.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do I think? I think that nothing has really changed, and you'd have about 6 months max before you were back in the same situation as before you separated. I don't know if you're an a$$hole (as per the post above), but you're definitely confused and need to work on yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

PBear said:


> What do I think? I think that nothing has really changed, and you'd have about 6 months max before you were back in the same situation as before you separated. I don't know if you're an a$$hole (as per the post above), but you're definitely confused and need to work on yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're much kinder than I


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> You're much kinder than I


I was trying to balance things out. . Good cop/bad cop style. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A person who is 60-70 lbs overweight is actually likely to die earlier and suffer illnesses like diabetes. OP is right see this as pathological. That does not give license to treat her poorly. She has health issues. She should take care of her health. If OP loves her he will support her. Perhaps their home is full sugar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> A person who is 60-70 lbs overweight is actually likely to die earlier and suffer illnesses like diabetes. OP is right see this as pathological. That does not give license to treat her poorly. She has health issues. She should take care of her health. If OP loves her he will support her. Perhaps their home is full sugar.


It sounds to me like she has some serious body-weight/self-esteem issues - you saw the part where he said she was secretly eating? I started doing that for a while because my STBXH was so critical of my weight and everything that I put in my mouth (and then he insisted we order pizza on the weekends because those were HIS "cheat days"). I'm not saying that the OP's "support" caused her to go underground, but it's a distinct possibility, but I'm pretty sure there's more going on here than "I'm supportive, but she won't lose the weight!"


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Please for her sake, just go ahead and leave her. I am lucky in that when I gained weight after having kids, that my stbxh never really said anything to me and half way supported me in getting the weight off but I would never allow a man to tell me that I had gained too much weight for him to love me or be attracted to me anymore. 

If you aren't attracted to her anymore, then there isn't much that is going to bring that back. I honestly think that you are making up any excuse to get out of the marriage and if it wasn't her weight, then it would be something else. I am not saying that you are right or wrong in the way that you are thinking but I do think that she would be better off with someone that loves her for herself versus what you see on the outside.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I don't understand how the fact your W put on weight led you to act like this. I can kind of see what you are saying about not feeling physically attracted to her and not wanting to have sex when she put on weight. But if you really love someone it doesn't matter what is on the outside, you truly love someone for their personality and that's what makes a person beautiful and attractive. A woman can look super hot and attractive and you probs will think more about having sex with a woman like that but just because they are beautiful on the outside doesn't mean they are perfect on the inside. 

If you really loved your W then you would support her and it shouldn't have given you an excuse to cheat on her. Me and my H had problems and instead of facing them my H withdrew from me and became distant. Eventually he ended things with me, it's sad that he let little silly things come between us and never spoke to me properly about things which we could have sorted. 

What I'm saying is you let a little thing become a big issue in your marriage and instead of sorting it you ran away. I don't know if your W can forgive you but at the same time I don't blame her because cheating is so hard to get past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

1 year in different states far apart. Is your child with your ex? How often do you see your child? How much child support do you pay?
Did you split the proceeds of the house?


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

deejov said:


> 1 year in different states far apart. Is your child with your ex? How often do you see your child? How much child support do you pay?
> Did you split the proceeds of the house?


Yes, he's with her.
I see him every couple months. I take all my vacation time to see him.
Around 20% gross income
Yes - proceeds were split


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You mention that you feel you had something special with her, you've both been seeing other people.

My opinion would be that you just haven't met anyone yet, and you would be settling for her instead of being alone. 

You don't see enough of each other to base any decision on getting back together. Seriously. 

Who would move? How do feel about being such a distant father?


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

Juicy said:


> I don't understand how the fact your W put on weight led you to act like this. I can kind of see what you are saying about not feeling physically attracted to her and not wanting to have sex when she put on weight. But if you really love someone it doesn't matter what is on the outside, you truly love someone for their personality and that's what makes a person beautiful and attractive. A woman can look super hot and attractive and you probs will think more about having sex with a woman like that but just because they are beautiful on the outside doesn't mean they are perfect on the inside.


I totally understand and I would've never wanted to get married to my wife if I didn't feel she was amazing on the inside. But you just said that you can kind of see what I said about the physical attraction and not wanting to have sex - but then you said if you truly love someone then it doesn't matter. Is it that straight forward? What if someone puts on 100, 150, 200 pounds?

I believed that too but being truly honest with myself, even though I loved her, I felt that it had come to the point that it was too much for me. I was very unhappy and my defense instincts started kicking in. I wanted a change - I told her that and I knew it would be hard to change, I know how deep those issues can run. But I felt like she could've done better in changing and listening. Considering her history, I felt like things were not going to change any time soon.



Juicy said:


> If you really loved your W then you would support her and it shouldn't have given you an excuse to cheat on her.


It's no excuse. I should've NEVER done it. It was a horrible waying of dealing with things. If I could take it back I would.



Juicy said:


> What I'm saying is you let a little thing become a big issue in your marriage and instead of sorting it you ran away.


It may have been a little thing before we got married but by the time I realized that it was an attraction problem it had become a big issue. I think that there were attraction problems long before this point - perhaps all the way back to when we got married around 5 years ago - but I had just chalked it up to what I thought was the normal waning of attraction that occurs in every relationship. I can remember not really wanting to have sex on our wedding night - we had been together for 4 years at that point.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

deejov said:


> You mention that you feel you had something special with her, you've both been seeing other people.
> 
> My opinion would be that you just haven't met anyone yet, and you would be settling for her instead of being alone.
> 
> ...


Yes - it was special. I still feel a special connection.

I've been seeing other people and haven't met anyone that way - but am keeping my distance anyway. Honestly, my wife still has that place for me even through all of this - perhaps I am delusional.
I'm afraid that I will utterly miss her if that connection goes away. And I'm afraid that at that point it will be impossible to get back. It's happened to me before, once when a girl I loved dated my best friend for 3 years before I could move on.

I would move. She's near her family who is supporting with our son. I have been looking for work and have almost found something. It's starting to pain me about being so far from him. As he grows older my desire to be more in his life is growing. I spent so much time with him when we were living together but he's so little that I can bear being away from him like this but I know that's not going to last.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You weren't attracted to her because of her weight. She hasn't lost the weight. If you go back nothing will have changed except that you will confuse your son when you leave again. Get a divorce and look for someone you feel is better physically suited to you. But bear in mind the new person may gain weight after you marry her.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> If you aren't attracted to her anymore, then there isn't much that is going to bring that back.


I thought that if she were to lose some weight it would change things. I guess I still think that.



sherri1997 said:


> I honestly think that you are making up any excuse to get out of the marriage and if it wasn't her weight, then it would be something else.


She thinks there is something else - so do other people I've talked to - I don't know what it is. Perhaps subconsciously I wanted to get out of the marriage and this is how I'm manifesting that desire?

All I do know for sure is that my desire to be physically intimate with her went way down over time and I felt that things would've improved if my wife lost weight - because I certainly felt fine thinking about other women that way in good shape. And then it was like we were just roommates - two people - friends - get along OK, living together.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> A person who is 60-70 lbs overweight is actually likely to die earlier and suffer illnesses like diabetes. OP is right see this as pathological. That does not give license to treat her poorly. She has health issues. She should take care of her health. If OP loves her he will support her. Perhaps their home is full sugar.


Yeah, my mom has been that overweight for the past 25 years and has diabetes. Growing up, it was apparent that her weight issues were always a significant strain on my parent's relationship. That has been another problem for me since I have a bias regarding this issue in particular.

You're right - and I see that it was wrong to cheat. That was horrible.

No, our home was not full of sugar. We had sweet snacks, but just a normal minor amount here and there. We cooked organic, healthy, well balanced meals a lot of the time. There were often times when we went out to eat - because my W loves food and trying different foods - that our portions were probably too much. But I thought we had a good balance.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> If you want my honest opinion, I think you're an a**hole.


Yes, my wife has called me that many times. And I was a TOTAL *******. I should've never done that. I was a moron when it came to dealing with that. I would take it back if I could.



FeministInPink said:


> Your wife can do better than an inattentive, judgey husband who criticizes her for her weight (when she clearly has body issues), who won't give her the physical and emotional attention she deserves, and who cheats on her when she goes out of town to visit her family.


Inattentive? Because I didn't see this coming sooner and didn't deal with it sooner? Honestly, I didn't realize what the problem was and how big of a problem it was for me until it was at my doorstep. Physically I felt like I was at the point where I couldn't give her what she deserved. I felt like I had to defend myself.
I don't think I was judgey/critical - I just knew and let her know I didn't like the weight. It was a matter of opinion for me - not something right or wrong - and I tried so hard not to pick on it. I tried indirect ways of dealing with this before saying anything critical like, Maybe you should save the rest of your meal, or Might want to take it easy with that bag of snacks. I went many many times to exercise with her, I cooked many healthy meals for us. I would listen to her thoughts about her feelings connected to her body issues and offer what suggestions/advice I could think of - but that was still a sensitive topic, one that she was consistently reluctant to open up about. I thought and still think that perhaps there's something that I could've done or still do to help her through this issue. It's something that I know she wants to overcome herself - she's told me this, but I find it and found it extremely difficult to address it more, considering how sensitive she is about it - and especially how sensitive she is/would be to MY feedback. My father has told me there's nothing I can do - that it's something she has to do for herself. On one hand I hate thinking there's nothing I can do, on the other I'm afraid to be a fool.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is good that you want to live closer to your son. Carry out that plan. If your wife succeeded in losing a lot of weight, she might want to look for a new husband. Moreover, she might be successful.

I know a woman who was really, really overweight. Strangely she is a super athlete, playing a sport in which weight might even be an advantage. She had surgery and lost a lot of weight. Her skin, though has not contracted to reflect her new size. Those bags of empty skin are not attractive.

She is a super person, well loved by many. Why she ate herself into ill health, and it is clear that this type of overeating leads to premature death, is not known to me. She has boyfriend from what I can see on FB.

The inside and outside are not completely separate.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I agree with LongWalk... move closer to your son.
That will also mean you are closer to your wife.
See how things go from there.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bleepbloop said:


> Yes, my wife has called me that many times. And I was a TOTAL *******. I should've never done that. I was a moron when it came to dealing with that. I would take it back if I could.
> 
> Inattentive? Because I didn't see this coming sooner and didn't deal with it sooner? Honestly, I didn't realize what the problem was and how big of a problem it was for me until it was at my doorstep. Physically I felt like I was at the point where I couldn't give her what she deserved. I felt like I had to defend myself.
> I don't think I was judgey/critical - I just knew and let her know I didn't like the weight. It was a matter of opinion for me - not something right or wrong - and I tried so hard not to pick on it. I tried indirect ways of dealing with this before saying anything critical like, *Maybe you should save the rest of your meal, or Might want to take it easy with that bag of snacks.* I went many many times to exercise with her, I cooked many healthy meals for us. I would listen to her thoughts about her feelings connected to her body issues and offer what suggestions/advice I could think of - but that was still a sensitive topic, one that she was consistently reluctant to open up about. I thought and still think that perhaps there's something that I could've done or still do to help her through this issue. It's something that I know she wants to overcome herself - she's told me this, but I find it and found it extremely difficult to address it more, considering how sensitive she is about it - and especially how sensitive she is/would be to MY feedback. My father has told me there's nothing I can do - that it's something she has to do for herself. On one hand I hate thinking there's nothing I can do, on the other I'm afraid to be a fool.


You were being resentful, aloof, and never initiated sex with your wife = inattentive. You were only concerned with yourself; it's clear you had no consideration or thought for her feelings at all. A husband who won't initiate sex, who is so clearly NOT INTO YOU, that is magnificently damaging and hurtful to the wife. You have no idea the havoc and pain you inflicted on her already fragile psyche, ESPECIALLY since you spent SO MUCH TIME talking about how great sex would be once you started having it again. You rejected her - the one person who is supposed to love her unconditionally, and you physically rejected her. 

(And BTW, even if you consented when she initiated, she knows you weren't into it. We always know.)

As someone who has struggled with my own weight for a long time (and who still does), I can tell you that most of what you've done as "help" and "support" really wasn't helpful or supportive, by any stretch of the imagination.

Let me give you a little insight into the mind of an overweight person.

First, if you're overweight, you already feel bad about it. You feel bad about it ALL THE TIME. You see people all around you who are fit/thinner than you, and it makes you feel bad about yourself. It's not inspiring, it just makes you want to eat more and dis-incentivizes you to go to the gym. If you do go to the gym, you're struggling to breathe, to keep up, when everyone else there makes it look so effortless. If you have a trainer, the trainer keeps telling you to push! and work harder! and it occurs to you that the trainer has NO IDEA how hard this is for you, both physically, mentally and emotionally. And you're wondering if everyone else is thinking, "Ha ha, look at that fat cow! Does she really ever think that she'll lose any weight? What a joke." 

And every store that you go into, all the pretty clothes are too small. So you have to go into the plus-size stores, where the clothes are gaudy and ugly - nothing close to stylish - and they charge a premium for shoddily manufactured clothing because they know they have a corner on the market. So you see ads and read fashion magazines, and you know you can't employ any of the fashion tips there, because you're too big.

All of this, it makes you hate yourself. Loathe yourself. And it's even worse, because you know that everyone has flaws, but other flaws can be hidden, they can be disguised, but if you're overweight, your primary flaw is out there for everyone to see, 24 hours a day. And whenever you go out or are around other people, you can't help but wonder if they're thinking you're lazy, you're stupid, you have no discipline, no self-control. And you start to internalize these things, which makes it even harder to do the things (eat right, exercise) to fix your "flaw."

And what's even worse is we are genetically programmed to gain weight, and everyone seems to ignore that fact. We are biologically programmed to carry extra pounds in order to maintain our life in times of famine, especially women (for producing breast milk to sustain children). Society seems to totally ignore this fact.

It's excruciating to know, that in the eyes of society, we are reduced to the stereotype of our biggest flaw, simply because it's out there for the world to see ALL THE TIME. To walk around and feel like you're being constantly judged is demoralizing and depressing.

So then there's you, her husband. The man who is supposed to love her unconditionally, you pick up on her biggest insecurity and are vocally critical of it. How do you think that made her feel? She thinks, "The one person who was supposed to be on my side has just validated what society says about me, that I'm worthless if I'm fat." Your "indirect" comments like, _Maybe you should save the rest of your meal, or Might want to take it easy with that bag of snacks_, are incredibly hurtful and insensitive, because they only reinforce what she hears from the rest of society. These statements ARE judgey and critical. You might not think they are, but you're not thinking about how they will be taken by your wife.

Her weight problem IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN FIX. You're dad's right, it's something she has to do for herself. And trust me, whatever you think you're going to do to "help" - that's just going to be another roadblock in her way. You really want to help? If you get together, make sure where you go for dinner (or if you cook) has lots of healthy options; if the eats only a little or if she eats like a horse, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Whatever opinion you have, she doesn't need to hear it, so keep it to yourself. If she says, "I've lost 10#," tell her she looks great and that you're proud of her. Even if you can't see a difference.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> You were being resentful, aloof, and never initiated sex with your wife = inattentive. You were only concerned with yourself; it's clear you had no consideration or thought for her feelings at all. A husband who won't initiate sex, who is so clearly NOT INTO YOU, that is magnificently damaging and hurtful to the wife. You have no idea the havoc and pain you inflicted on her already fragile psyche, ESPECIALLY since you spent SO MUCH TIME talking about how great sex would be once you started having it again. You rejected her - the one person who is supposed to love her unconditionally, and you physically rejected her.
> 
> (And BTW, even if you consented when she initiated, she knows you weren't into it. We always know.)
> 
> ...


FIP - thank you for your honesty on this. You ARE beautiful.
Society's view on overweight women in particular has been something I have loathed for a long time. Yes, it can be a health issue, and that's the support angle that I am willing to talk about. And yes, you can be healthy and not be a size 4. If one is eating properly and getting regular exercise, your cholesterol and BP will be just fine. In fact, one could be healthier than a thin person who eats a lot of salt and sits around playing video games. 

But I have a personal value that one could realise that it's a personal opinion on what is beautiful or not. Ask 100 people, you will get 100 different answers. Opinions applies to many many areas of life, and is the source of most human conflict on this planet. 

There is much to be gained from being aware of how we judge others based on our personal views of the world (which are not the same as any other person's on the entire planet).

From a self awareness point of view, the OP would have a chance to explore that. Because it's not just his wife that he applies these rules of judgment to. Why is he still drawn back to her? Maybe he could explore how to love her as a person, the mother of his child. In whatever capacity. 

Rant over.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> Society's view on overweight women in particular has been something I have loathed for a long time.


And yes the hunter gatherer's urge to eat and accumulate fat is an unfortunate instinct. Or rather the instinct is sound but for our current caloric environment.

Many attitudes that we attribute to public opinion actually reflect deeper hard programmed aspects of human behavior. I noticed that my idea of what an attractive woman's body looks like has changed. The skinny look no longer competes for my liminal attention the way a curvy woman does.

What is striking about this shift is that it seems to have come with age and it makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Women with wider hips probably survived child birth when we were in prehistory. The older male **** sapiens must have wanted that woman with wide hips and extra fat. 

When the OP desires his wife to lose weight so that he can feel sexual attraction towards her, that is in some sense a selfish desire. A selfless approach her would to be concerned with her health and well being. In this respect the OP failed before, as evidenced by his revenge affair against her fat. He does seem more humble and compassionate now.

But still we return to the issue of her obesity and whose responsibility it is to treat it. Should the OP simply accept her as she is and hope she will succeed treating herself?

Also, regarding the superficiality of men who judging women based on their looks. Women do the same towards men, though perhaps they concentrate on other attributes, such as income and social status more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I grew up in a time when there was not an obesity epidemic in this country. A time when people were more active. Portion sizes were much smaller and people ate healthier. When you were pregnant the magic number you were supposed to gain was 20 pounds. Beyond that, your doctor was on your back constantly about your weight. Life was very different. 

In those years I was very underweight. And teased greatly for it. Over the years I developed thyroid issues and began to gain weight. I was thrilled for awhile to finally not be underweight. But the weight gain didn't stop and I realized I could no longer eat as much as I once did or skip exercising. And I got it under control. It certainly isn't easy to keep it under control as I continue to age but my health depends on it so I do. 

We are obviously all responsible for what we do or don't do. The OP is not attracted to his overweight wife. It isn't easy for his wife to lose weight. He can't make her. So he either accepts her as she is or he doesn't. If he can't then he needs to move on. And let her live her life.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Agree with most of your post, LongWalk and Openminded.

I admit that being type 1 for 25 yrs make me no stranger to food, health, and the connection between the two. (My thyroid died 2 years ago, too. UGH). 

I would hope that a partner's health would be more important than societal looks. I (try) to understand that men are more visual than women, and I agree some women are just as "shallow" in that regard.

I've known men that have a visual image of their perfect mate, down to eye and hair color. Matching that to the prize of a good connection is their choice. Some do manage to find it. 

OP, I was digging at this for a reason. Is it truly the reason? Now that you've had some time to see other people, I got the minor impression that you might find some merit in the connection as being equally as important as the visual aspect. 

I sometimes think about how a man would feel "owning up" to choosing to be with a woman that others would deem un-attractive. Especially when there is lots of support for the theory, or seems to be. 

I guess what I was digging at was..... no one (male) really chimed in and said "each to their own" and if you care for this woman, and you have a connection, it's OKAY to be with an overweight woman. An overweight woman can be attractive. 

So I'll say it .


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

deejov said:


> Agree with most of your post, LongWalk and Openminded.
> 
> I admit that being type 1 for 25 yrs make me no stranger to food, health, and the connection between the two. (My thyroid died 2 years ago, too. UGH).
> 
> ...


It is absolutely ok to be with an overweight woman. It is ok to be attracted to an overweight woman. Let's face it, I'm 46 years old and MOST women my age are technically overweight. 

I married an overweight woman. We had a tremendous connection and yes, I was sexually attracted to her. Was she the woman I had visualized on my arm before I met her? No, but it didn't matter and it didn't even cross my mind that she didn't "measure up" to society's bias. I do find overweight women attractive ... to a point. I am not particularly attracted to obese women and there is a difference ... but even that isn't a hard and fast rule ... it just depends. I AM attracted to athletic and thin women ... but I am also attracted to women who have "some meat on their bones" ... more to hold onto, I guess  

Now, 20 years later, my wife has doubled her weight and I know you've heard me say this before, she is morbidly obese. Even that isn't necessarily a problem (except of course, her health). What has happened though is that our emotional connection has been strained over the years. When the connection is weak, love is no longer blind. I do NOT find her sexually attractive. She is far too obese and I SEE it. She is also not terribly sexual ... attraction depends a lot on presentation. You know that big black girl ... the one that is just terribly overweight and doesn't even care. She is sexy and she knows it .... I would have sex with that girl. If my wife was very sexual, wanted to have sex, was confident in her appearance ... did little things like sext me or talk dirty or suggestively, I likely still would be attracted to her. As it is, I wish I could see it differently. I wish I could still find her sexually attractive and we could use that as a springboard to bringing back our emotional connection. It is what it is.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

JustSomeGuy,
Yeah, I get the lack of sexual attractiveness, from her. It is a personal mindset. I bounce from 20 lbs overweight to 20 lbs underweight (health issues will do that to me) but I'm one of those women that "ooze" sexuality, even in sweats and no makeup. It's just... who I am. That has nothing to do with weight. Even in your wife's case. (that's sad that she doesn't find herself sexy!)

Thanks for sharing. It is a circle of thought. It's easily lost when your partner loses it first, and hard to bring it back, for a woman.
I hope you are able to find peace with your situation.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

But women always make excuses for this stuff and they're always blasting guys for feeling like this yet - women screw round as bad as guys for all the same reasons and are just as bigger [email protected], just read through this place .
The problem is you can only live on love for so long. Sex largely comes from attraction for guys and attraction can come in all shapes and forms and from all sorts of personality things and actions too.
But if as a guy you don't likem over weight , whatever bs you want to throw at him really , makes no difference . lf he ain't turned on from whatever it is that turns him on , he can only fake it for so long in whatever the issue is, that's just how it goes .
70lbs is a lot of extra for a guy that doesn't like extra , some love it but op doesn't , l mean it's a tough call.
Edited ...

The things is l mean the girls are saying supporting her is this , saying stuff is that but then - so what exactly is it you can do to help her then ?? 
l mean l read for example good food , my ex would eat the good stuff though no probs there but then she'd be looking for the family size chocolate blocks afterwards with vengeance 
l must admit , thinking more about it and re reading the thread, my x piled on the weight and it did cost us dearly in the end.
lt was hard for me to understand because l lost weight easily and use to try everything to get her to lose weight.
But she ate like a horse , and junk , lots and lots of it.
That just didn't make sense to me and to be honest it was not only a shame because she was a great looking girl but to me it felt like l just wasn't worth keeping in shape for.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Anyway, the OP needs help. He wants his wife but he wants a different version of her. Does she want him? Does she want to change herself?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your Hamlet-like indecisiveness is very self-absorbed, in my opinion. You say that you love your W as a person but are not physically attracted to her.

If you love her, then let her go and have a decent, happier life, perhaps with a man who both appreciates her personality and is not turned off by her weight.

For her sake, I hope that she loses the weight and gets in great shape, but I wish this solely for her. You have already put her through the emotional wringer with all of this. Her self-esteem must be in sorry shape given what you think of her and how she has had to process that.

I feel for both of you because this is not a simple problem with an obvious solution, but I definitely feel real empathy for your wife, who must feel truly desolate about herself as a woman.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

bleepbloop said:


> Yes - it was special. I still feel a special connection.
> 
> I've been seeing other people and haven't met anyone that way - but am keeping my distance anyway. Honestly, my wife still has that place for me even through all of this - perhaps I am delusional.
> I'm afraid that I will utterly miss her if that connection goes away. And I'm afraid that at that point it will be impossible to get back. It's happened to me before, once when a girl I loved dated my best friend for 3 years before I could move on.
> ...



But don't except being away from your son , just don't, just say NO.
lf things keep heading this way then build your future near your son. Or, you spend the rest of your life regretting it and the poor little man doesn't get to have his dad growing up. That is just so wrong, cruel and so unfair. Just say no , that is not how it's going to be .
Good luck.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> It is good that you want to live closer to your son. Carry out that plan.


Yes, that is my plan - it's been pretty hard. I work in a somewhat special area and I may have to give that up in order to fulfill that plan. But, I think that plan is something I must do.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

deejov said:


> I sometimes think about how a man would feel "owning up" to choosing to be with a woman that others would deem un-attractive. Especially when there is lots of support for the theory, or seems to be.
> 
> I guess what I was digging at was..... no one (male) really chimed in and said "each to their own" and if you care for this woman, and you have a connection, it's OKAY to be with an overweight woman. An overweight woman can be attractive.
> 
> So I'll say it .


OK - so - I just want to clarify, I am definitely attracted to women who are overweight. I generally don't subscribe to society's view of what is attractive. My guy friends have often told me that I like "fat chicks." I prefer women that are curvy and thick - not skinny women or even athletic body types for the most part. And throughout basically our entire 9 year relationship my wife has been overweight or more - and during the times when she was just overweight I was attracted to her.

However, being obese - especially approaching morbid obesity, she's only 5'2'' - and being overweight are definitely different in my view of attractiveness. I guess I didn't realize how different I would feel as my wife steadily approached the point where she was/is now.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> But don't except being away from your son , just don't, just say NO.
> lf things keep heading this way then build your future near your son. Or, you spend the rest of your life regretting it and the poor little man doesn't get to have his dad growing up. That is just so wrong, cruel and so unfair. Just say no , that is not how it's going to be .
> Good luck.


Thank you. Deep down I feel this is the right thing. I've have some opportunities to move closer than I am now but still far. I'm really trying to think long term and get close to him - like so I could see him every day if I wanted.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Ahh that's great , you will work it out and yep it takes compromise but hey , worth it.
l'm 10 mins from my d now and often see her everyday.
but l have a moving dilemma too when the house sells. Truth is though , l just don't think l could survive or do it to her moving much further away than this so l'm doing my best to find the middle.
Goodluck , l know all about how gut wrenching and confusing it all is.


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