# Husband had an affair with neighbor



## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

*New and need help*

Hi. I’m new to this site. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and recently found he had an affair with my next door neighbor. Hoping to use this resource to figure out how to proceed. I can’t seem to post on the coping with infidelity forum. Wondering how I am able to do that. Thanks


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: New and need help*

First you need CONCRETE proof.

After that: EXPOSE to everyone.

Exposure puts an end to those rose colored glasses he is wearing. End his fairy tale.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

Hello all, I could really use some advice. I recently found out that my husband has an affair with the woman across the street. 

It has been fit wrenching as I also thought she was a friend. While the affairs was going on, she and I would do things together and I would help out with her kids. Our kids are friends. 

Now that it is over, my husband is saying he wants to save our marriage. 

We are both in individual counseling and had a session of couples counseling. 

I just keep getting retriggered every time I see her, which since I work part time from home and she is a SAHM and one of my children is in school with her son. 

Complicating this is that one of my children is special needs and I have been at odds with the school district and fighting for services for him. I finally got an out of district placement for him through them. 

So because of him. I don’t feel I can move. What would you do? She isn’t going anywhere, she and her his dad live their rent free since a relative owns the house - they’ve only been there a year whereas I have been here for over a decade. 

It breaks my heart to leave - I couldn’t afford anything else in my town as it has gotten so expensive, but living across the street from her and seeing her at school drop off and pickup is literally driving me insane. What can I do?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Does her husband know? Tell him.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

Her husband knows. He knew before I did. And no, he didn’t tell me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would stop the couples sessions and make him fix himself, your marriage didn't cause him to have an affair, his own **** character did. I would detach from him and start thinking about yourself and kids. I would talk to a lawyer and see what you are entitled to. Basically empower yourself to get to the point that you won't care if your husband is dead or alive. Then see if he can change your mind but if not it won't be so hard to move on.

Also why are you so sure this is the only time.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

I appreciate your advice. What about the living situation? I can’t stomach the idea of moving - I’ve been here for so long and have built a home and a life and have finally got my son settled in a school that is working after many hard years. Also, moving is so much work - work that I am not capable of. Plus there is a side that doesn’t want me to let her drive me from my home. She has o my been here a year. I’ve asked my husband to move out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lainey94! said:


> I appreciate your advice. What about the living situation? I can’t stomach the idea of moving - I’ve been here for so long and have built a home and a life and have finally got my son settled in a school that is working after many hard years. Also, moving is so much work - work that I am not capable of. Plus there is a side that doesn’t want me to let her drive me from my home. She has o my been here a year. I’ve asked my husband to move out.


If he won't move out force him to move into another room in the house and earn his way back into your bedroom. 

Meet with a lawyer. Also don't just assume this is the first time. There are cheaters and non-cheaters.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lainey94! said:


> Hello all, I could really use some advice. I recently found out that my husband has an affair with the woman across the street. It has been fit wrenching as I also thought she was a friend. While the affairs was going on, she and I would do things together and I would help out with her kids. Our kids are friends. Now that it is over, my husband is saying he wants to save our marriage.


Okay. What do YOU want as regards "saving" the marriage?



> We are both in individual counseling and had a session of couples counseling.


That seems a little excessive. The IC may make things worse. I'd focus on the MC. 



> What can I do?


You aren't going to move, she isn't going to move. So forget about that. That's a distraction. 
If you see real change in the marriage, your triggering may lessen over time. 
Focus on your husband and marriage, not on the woman across the street. 
You need to decide whether to keep him or not.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I would stop the couples sessions and make him fix himself


Sokillme, I understand why you say that, but attending MC is not an admission that she needs fixing. If she's not there to witness it, then she doesn't know what his IC is saying. The husband's IC may be sympathising with him about what a pain the OP is. Or the husband is quite likely not being entirely honest to his IC. I find it's better to be there as a couple so she can see what's happening. ICs tend to be too sympathetic to the WS.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lainey94! said:


> I appreciate your advice. What about the living situation? I can’t stomach the idea of moving - I’ve been here for so long and have built a home and a life and have finally got my son settled in a school that is working after many hard years. Also, moving is so much work - work that I am not capable of. Plus there is a side that doesn’t want me to let her drive me from my home.


Then don't!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Lainey94! said:


> I appreciate your advice. What about the living situation? I can’t stomach the idea of moving - I’ve been here for so long and have built a home and a life and have finally got my son settled in a school that is working after many hard years. Also, moving is so much work - work that I am not capable of. Plus there is a side that doesn’t want me to let her drive me from my home. She has o my been here a year. I’ve asked my husband to move out.


You can only control yourself. She is not moving and you can't make her move. That leaves you moving.

It is understandable that you don't want to move, but your life has now radically changed. You are now living across the street from your enemy. She is not driving you from your house. If you leave you will be leaving because it is in your best interests. Your health comes first. This is not a hill you should be willing to die on.

How about moving to the district where your child is receiving the services?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: New and need help*

Hi, @Lainey94! I have moved your thread to the CWI section.

We're here for you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: New and need help*

See a lawyer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Laine, so sorry you are here. You WH is a POS!

1. Work on yourself, not the marriage, go for counselling for yourself to forgive (for you) not to necessarily reconcile
2, see a lawyer for your options if you decide to divorce
3. Do the 180 on your WH
4. Ask him to do a complete timeline of the affair
5. Tell all family, friends and neighbours, school mums, with any luck the shame will make her move on. Why should you move from your home? It will also keep your WH accountable if you decide to reconcile
6. Kick him out of bedroom or house
7. Keep in touch with the other spouse, work together to ensure your POS WH is not gaslighting
8. It is not up to you to save the marriage, it’s the work of your WH
9. Take care of your health. Your kids, etc


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> Sokillme, I understand why you say that, but attending MC is not an admission that she needs fixing. If she's not there to witness it, then she doesn't know what his IC is saying. The husband's IC may be sympathising with him about what a pain the OP is. Or the husband is quite likely not being entirely honest to his IC. I find it's better to be there as a couple so she can see what's happening. ICs tend to be too sympathetic to the WS.


I would agree if the stories you hear that come out of MC are that they think affairs happen because something is missing from the marriage. This is bull****, people cheat because of lack of character. People in terrible marriages don't cheat and people in great marriages do cheat, half the time it's just from entitlement. I look at it like this, he is sick, what is the point of trying to fix the marriage before he fixes his sickness. You can't operate in good faith with a cheater until they get to the reason why the cheated. Or more specifically they fix their character issues. 

The marriage didn't make him a cheater, even having the best marriage possible isn't going to fix the fact that his character is poor enough that he is a cheater, and frankly before he fixes that he doesn't DESERVE to be working on the marriage. FIRST wait and see if he can do the work to fix himself. 

She will know this by his actions, and how he describes what he had done. Where his heart is, is it humble and contrite? Or is he still entitled. 

If he is not those things marriage counseling is just a waste of time and money. Frankly the marriage is a waste of time and life.

If he is then the marriage will be in a different place already and MC may still make sense but it will be done without the cancerous person in it. 

And yes by all means talk about the IC because you are right lots of them can do more damage then good.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

aine said:


> Laine, so sorry you are here. You WH is a POS!
> 
> 5. Tell all family, friends and neighbours, school mums, with any luck the shame will make her move on. Why should you move from your home? It will also keep your WH accountable if you decide to reconcile



This is how you get some measure of justice. 

Ruin her.

I've seen this before. Women don't want to be friends with another woman who will **** their man.

Men who want to keep their relationship intact will shy away from her.

People will gossip and whisper about her.

Good luck.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

faithfulman said:


> This is how you get some measure of justice.
> 
> Ruin her.
> 
> ...


I agree, out her to the entire neighborhood. Maybe she will then move


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Exposure is about your only recourse here. It's on her and your husband not you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It is not against the law to put a HUGE sign in your front yard that says "The woman across the street cheated with my husband".

You have to be able to get creative but not break the law.

We had a peeping tom next door. He moved out and I didn't break any laws. It just depends on how far you are willing to go.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So sorry you're going through this.

How old are your kids? Are they able to get themselves to school and you only take the special needs child? Or can you drop them at the gate and they walk themselves in? 

I wouldn't stop at her husband, I'd expose them to the whole street! Don't put all the blame on her though, your husband is just as guilty as she. Shame her at school, you only have to "confide in" one gossipy school mum, and it'll be all over the school by lunchtime that day. Go nuclear on the skank and your POS husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell the school authorities.

Surely that would be illegal? No. Not if you do it this way. "Dear whomever. I am the parents of x and x. Recently I discovered that my husband has been having an affair with Mrs Zee the parent of a and b.

"Obviously this has put a strain on our family and I would ask you to keep an eye out for my children and arrange counselling for them if you think this is appropriate. Etc., etc."

Then copy this letter to every member of the school's PTA.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

OP here. Thanks for all the helpful responses. I haven’t figured out how to reply to the individual posts so addressing all of them in this one. 

I’m not sure it’s the only time. I believe nothing that he says. I’m not sure I want to save this marriage, but have agreed to MC for the sake of being able to have communications as we have to co-parent. I had been asking him to attend for some time due to family stress, ect. He stonewalled me in that, but made this appt and asked me to attend. I have said I will but that it doesn’t mean anything yet. 

I started IC right before I found out. I had untreated post pardom depression and dealing with all the things with my special need 8 year old was too much. I had started to do some self care and was doing better when all this hit. He admitted he felt super guilty as he saw me getting better and they guilt was killing him. 

I have some lawyer referrals but have t scheduled an appt yet. 

I have started telling moms in the neighborhood. I’m very introverted and as I mentioned I have been in a state of depression so wasn’t overly involved with everyone. This has actually helped me. They have been nothing but supportive. The OW was planning on running for PTO president, so I told a PTO person that if she did run I would get up at the meeting and say that I found her dishonest, manipulative and lacking judgement and then challenge her to see if she wanted me to tell everyone why. She didn’t run, but I will be co-treasurer next year (with a dad that it turns out might be her new AP, but that is a whole other story that I am paying not paying attention to). 

I am trying to find a way to go away for the summer with the kids so that I can get some space before making any drastic decisions, but not sure how I can swing that. Special needs program goes through July 24. Trying to figure out if i can hold out that long. Not sure where I would go anyway or if I am ready to tell them anything. They are only 5 and 8 and adore their father. I should go away alone, but I am the primary care taker so not sure how to swing that either. 

So many thoughts swirling around.......


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lainey, albeit the chick across the street is far from innocent, you seem to be transferring disproportionate responsibility on her to relieve responsibility from your old man. I've seen a number of men do this even getting their WW to help set up a sting of the other man. 
I can virtually assure you that if it was "only one time", its because she, rather than he, cut it off. Very, very few me are going to turn down a second helping of dessert after they've already crossed that line. People talk about what you need to do to get payback. I'm throwing this in the hopper. Bang the chicks husband and let her and your old man know about it. Hey, when a spouse cheats, the betrayed spouse gets a hall pass as compensatory damages. Hit hard, hit fast, and hit where it hurts.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lainey94! said:


> OP here. Thanks for all the helpful responses. I haven’t figured out how to reply to the individual posts so addressing all of them in this one.
> 
> I’m not sure it’s the only time. I believe nothing that he says. I’m not sure I want to save this marriage, but have agreed to MC for the sake of being able to have communications as we have to co-parent. I had been asking him to attend for some time due to family stress, ect. He stonewalled me in that, but made this appt and asked me to attend. I have said I will but that it doesn’t mean anything yet.
> 
> ...


Really the best thing you can do is take agency in your own life. Act like your husband doesn't exist for your future and take action. Be your own superhero. this will give you control and help you deal with the feeling of uncertainty. 

You are doing a good job so far.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you have to stay in the district and your finances make it impossible to move right now, I would work on several fronts to ghost her presence in all aspects of your life. I would do this as a determined strategy until I could move:

Put blinds or shutters everywhere that could at any time give you a view of her. If you are leaving your house and she is there, go complete automaton - no stares, no comments, just full steam ahead to where you need to get to, earplugs in to some music you like. Do your best to let the neighbors know so that the ones so inclined will shun her. Your child does not play with her child. Ever. Etc.

Your WH is a complete and utter POS for doing what he's done. You have a baby, have post partum, and he is busy cheating on you with the ***** across the street.

If you D him, can you sell the house as part of the settlement and move somewhere else? If you can, this is definitely another selling point of divorce.

Also, I agree that MC is a waste of time with him. Get yourself some help, detach as much as you can, and get a longer-term plan together to solve the mess that he dumped in your lap.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> Lainey, albeit the chick across the street is far from innocent, you seem to be transferring disproportionate responsibility on her to relieve responsibility from your old man. I've seen a number of men do this even getting their WW to help set up a sting of the other man.
> I can virtually assure you that if it was "only one time", its because she, rather than he, cut it off. Very, very few me are going to turn down a second helping of dessert after they've already crossed that line. People talk about what you need to do to get payback. I'm throwing this in the hopper. Bang the chicks husband and let her and your old man know about it. Hey, when a spouse cheats, the betrayed spouse gets a hall pass as compensatoryg damages. Hit hard, hit fast, and hit where it hurts.


Banging her H is terrible advice. OP is recovery from PPD and getting herself together, this will not help. It might work for a man but most definitely not for a woman who is already grappling with her emotions and her WH betrayal. Revenge affairs often create more damage to the BS than the WS. Lainey don’t go there!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lainey94! said:


> I appreciate your advice. What about the living situation? I can’t stomach the idea of moving - I’ve been here for so long and have built a home and a life and have finally got my son settled in a school that is working after many hard years. Also, moving is so much work - work that I am not capable of. Plus there is a side that doesn’t want me to let her drive me from my home. She has o my been here a year. I’ve asked my husband to move out.


I would tell all your neighbors what she did (and he did). So they can protect their marriages from her. My guess is once you do that, she won't be able to take 2 steps outside her home without being shunned.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

aine said:


> Banging her H is terrible advice.


What's a bad idea to some folks is justice to others. Let the two cheating spouse know about it and its a lesson that need not be repeated. If her old man what to get all huffy about it and leave, she's ahead in this game. Sides that, it would be fun. Tell him that what he did raised your curiosity about a little variety and you decided to personally find out what temptation for another person was all about, it was fun, but we need to settle back into the marriage now that we both know.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Lainey94! said:


> He admitted he felt super guilty as he saw me getting better and they guilt was killing him.


Haha. Not enough to stop it apparently.

Focus on yourself and your kids for now, OP. Over time, you can get your stuff together and come up with a plan.

Your H's actions going forth will be the determining factor. If the AP was a friend, then it was essentially a double betrayal - one of the worst types of affairs.

Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Think long and hard before you give the gift of reconciliation. You don't want or need a second dose of his infidelity. 

The capability is there.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

*Re: New and need help*

Were it me I would comfort the ***** and warn her to stay as far away as possible since you might not be sure what you will do to her. Put the fear of God in her even if you won’t actually do something bad.

Get a cut throat lawyer and take your POS cheating husband for all you can get. Work on keeping the house. 

I am so sorry you are here. Lots of great advice from people on here. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: New and need help*



Tomara said:


> Were it me I would *comfort *the ***** and warn her to stay as far away as possible since you might not be sure what you will do to her. Put the fear of God in her even if you won’t actually do something bad.
> 
> Get a cut throat lawyer and take your POS cheating husband for all you can get. Work on keeping the house.
> 
> ...


I'm guessing you meant _confront_?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> I would tell all your neighbors what she did (and he did). So they can protect their marriages from her. My guess is once you do that, she won't be able to take 2 steps outside her home without being shunned.


Absolutely! I sure as hell would want to know which local skank to keep an eye on!


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Lainey, Tomara is right. Get a lawyer right now and start your hard 180.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

What is the hard 180?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

What is the 180?

The 180 is for YOU. It’s not to win back your cheater, but to make you strong--getting on with your life without regard to what the cheater is doing. Don’t try to speak truth to stupid, do this instead. Take care of yourself.

This is a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Why should you move? She's the POS that should be hanging her head in shame. I would put that whor. on blast in the neighborhood and with the other moms at the school. Let her be the one that's embarrassed to show her face. Her BH is a weasel for knowing and not informing you. Maybe if instead of covering for his WW, he were blowing up the affair, he would earn some respect for the two of you to keep an eye on them but it sounds like he's to weak to trust.

As for your WH, you need to blow him up to his family. Let his parents come down on him for betraying the mother of his kids and putting their stable home life in jeopardy. Having a child that has special needs can put a strain on a marriage. For him to throw this grenade on to the family is inexcusable. He risked the stability of a child that needs it more than others, for some strange from a cheap whor. mom that brought shame on her family. 

You need to walk with your head held up high. A loyal wife and self sacrificing mother is ALWAYS diamond for a husband but he chose to chase after another man's wife who provided him with easy sex. She's the one that brought shame to her family . When people at school talk, they're not going to be talking bad about the woman that stayed with her husband to keep a stable home for her kids. They will be talking about the home wrecking who.. that can't be trusted.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You could always take out a billboard in your neighborhood and tell what she has done. She won’t stay around long after that I don’t think.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lainey94! said:


> I had been asking him to attend for some time due to family stress, ect. He stonewalled me in that, but made this appt and asked me to attend.


LOL. Cheaters are SO damned predictable.

He couldn't be bothered to do squat UNTIL he got caught. *Now*, because he stands to possibly lose something, he's suddenly a therapy cheerleader and wants to work soooooo hard at fixing things. 

He sure had no problem screwing YOU over and making YOU look like a fool when he was screwing the next door neighbor and they were having a good laugh behind your back at how they were getting one over on you. He sure didn't seem to mind having his fun at *your* emotional expense because it was you paying the price for it, not him. But now that you've told him to leave and HE'S the one who now stands to lose something, he's suddenly *all* about _caring_ how you feel and telling you how 'guilty' he felt when he was disrespecting you every single day while he was getting his jollies. What a lying, *self-serving* phony.  He's so cliche it isn't even funny.

Be prepared for many more sugary promises of future fidelity and lots of appeasing bull**** from him about how he's going to change and become a better man and how he never realized how much you all meant to him until now, and how he's never loved you more than now and blah blah blah. He's a cliche.

To sink to *this* level - having an affair with someone literally right across the street, and in your home and with someone you considered a friend - tells you a whole lot about how low this degenerate was willing to sink. The level of pure disrespect he showed you is immeasurable.

This is very simplistic but the most valuable piece of advice you can get is the following - when someone shows you who they are, *believe *them. He's shown you, loud and clear, exactly who he IS and exactly how low he'll SINK.

If you stay with him, this will NOT be the last time you deal with his cheating.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

1st I have to co-sign @She'sStillGotIt last post. So spot on. 

Here you are dealing with the stress of running a household that includes the extra work entailed in raising a child with special needs, and then your gut is telling you your husband was pulling away. We always know when our spouse is pulling away. Most times we don't want to believe the worst because it's to much to believe that the person that's supposed to have your back in this battle we call life, could do such a thing. Especially when he knows that your family needs more stability that most.

@Lainey94! Do NOT just go straight to rug sweeping, everything is forgiven mode. He needs to fight for you and the kids. Right now he through all of you away for a cheap piece of a... And I do mean cheap. What kind of SAHM, smiles in your face, acting like a family friend but then F's your husband in her marital bed as well as yours. I'll tell you she's definitely not PTA president material. Heck, she's not dog catcher material. Please put this home wrecking POS on blast. 

PS: DO NOT MOVE. You've been in the neighborhood for 10 years. That's your spot. Let her and her WEAK husband move.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ABHale said:


> You could always take out a billboard in your neighborhood and tell what she has done. She won’t stay around long after that I don’t think.


 It would only be fair to list her husband right along side this woman, because they are BOTH equally slimy. The OP's husband is actually *slimier* because he's the one who thought it was perfectly fine to bring this woman into the OP's bed. Anything he could STAIN in Lainey's life he had no problem doing, as long as HE was having his fun.

He's pure scum.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It would only be fair to list her husband right along side this woman, because they are BOTH equally slimy. The OP's husband is actually *slimier* because he's the one who thought it was perfectly fine to bring this woman into the OP's bed. Anything he could STAIN in Lainey's life he had no problem doing, as long as HE was having his fun.
> 
> He's pure scum.


The thing is OP has a problem with the OW making her life hell


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

Thanks for the advice all. OW is making my life hell. The other day before she left on a trip she sent me a message detailing all the places in my house she had sex with my husband. I have no idea what the end game is for this. I assume it’s because he has broken it off with her and blocked her in all ways ( which he told me he had done but why would I believe this liar and cheat) I didn’t know her email address before so that wasn’t blocked. I’ve blocked her on text, FB, Insta, ect. I wish I could block her IRL. 

I suppose she things we are living happily ever after and she thinks he hasn’t been punished and maybe that’s why she is harassing me? Who harassed the BS??? I need this chick gone. 

As far a WH goes, am doing most of the stuff listed in the hard 180 above (out of self preservation instinct) but he is still hear and living in the basement. I am cold and distant to him, because I can’t be any other way right now. He has offered to go, but that leaves so much work for me that I can’t handle right now. He has stepped up domestically and taken over so much that I was doing - which I sense he is doing as a way of apologizing and I am letting him do all these things but am clear that I am not accepting these as repairs or reconciliation. I am using this to do self care like exercise, sleep and see friends. I am pretty sure I am done but am unsure of how to move on. 

I have found a house on a lake that I can rent for the summer. It is exorbitantly expensive, but I’m hoping that being away from her will help me get sorted and it won’t be so weird for the kids because they know their dad has a city job while I work remotely. At this point I am thinking credit card debt to rent the house would be worth it. 

I have told almost all of the moms I know what happened and she is starting to get shunned at mom and neighbor events. It’s actually making her unhinged. She is slinging attacks at my friends and posting “mean girl” memes and other crazy **** on Facebook fishing for attention. I want to be far from here when she cracks, but don’t want to leave here permanently. 

This all seems so surreal to me. Like some kid of streaming Netflix show. The crazy **** she is doing is unreal.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You can file for an order of protection against her so that she cant contact you if she keeps this crap up. This is harassment, plain and simple. Make sure you keep everything she sends you for proof. Please DO THIS if she doesnt stop! And I am SO GLAD that the other moms are starting to shun her, her crazy behavior proves its working, so they need to keep it up! Eventually she is going to run away. 

Oh and I hope you kick your H to the curb. All of this is his fault and he shouldnt get the privilege of getting to stay married to you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Did you tell your WH what his whor. is emailing you? You should send that email to her husband. I'm sure that the OBS finding out that his WW is behaving like that would cause some tension at their place.

Good work on telling the other moms about this POS. Keep spreading the news. Make it that she doesn't want to show her face at the school and around the neighborhood.

Please don't spend money to get away if you can't really afford it. Besides it is that POS that should be wanting to run and hide. 

BTW: have you exposed your WH to his family? Let him face their disgust at betraying his family.

PS: If the homewrecker continues to mess with you, put a sign on your lawn naming her as a homewrecker. Even if your homeowner's association force you to take it down, having it up for a few hours will bring the heat. Let her know that just because @Lainey94! is a quiet, kind woman, she's not to be trifled with.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Lainey94! said:


> Thanks for the advice all. OW is making my life hell. The other day before she left on a trip she sent me a message detailing all the places in my house she had sex with my husband. I have no idea what the end game is for this. I assume it’s because he has broken it off with her and blocked her in all ways ( which he told me he had done but why would I believe this liar and cheat) I didn’t know her email address before so that wasn’t blocked. I’ve blocked her on text, FB, Insta, ect. I wish I could block her IRL.



SAVE all the messages, etc. she is sending you. 

You may need the evidence if you have to resort to legal means.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I don’t know how you haven’t walked across the street and gone kung fu on her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lainey94! said:


> Thanks for the advice all. OW is making my life hell. The other day before she left on a trip she sent me a message detailing all the places in my house she had sex with my husband. I have no idea what the end game is for this. I assume it’s because he has broken it off with her and blocked her in all ways ( which he told me he had done but why would I believe this liar and cheat) I didn’t know her email address before so that wasn’t blocked. I’ve blocked her on text, FB, Insta, ect. I wish I could block her IRL.
> 
> I suppose she things we are living happily ever after and she thinks he hasn’t been punished and maybe that’s why she is harassing me? Who harassed the BS??? I need this chick gone.
> 
> ...


Why have you not forwarded that **** to her husband post haste?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Why have you not forwarded that **** to her husband post haste?


No kidding. Tell him he wants to do something to help, he needs to get that **** to stop, NOW. And make sure you keep all of them. If it gets bad enough report it to the police. One visit from them might make her back off.

And she's probably spinning all kinds of lies in those emails. She sounds unhinged.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

Catching up a few messages (sorry I don’t know how to quote posts). 

His family does know. He’s parents are elderly and suffering dementia but his sister does know I need help with the kids after he was gone and then he showed up at their house (she lives with them to care for them) a total mess so I am glad I told her first. 

I did send him the OWs message and when we spoke about it he sounded like he was going to throw up. She said a lot of mean things about him to. I’ve always thought she was an little crazy and now he finally believes me. We were friendly at one point (although she has only been here a year), I did recognize the crazy and was stepping away from here. I went back and looked at texts and in January she was always wanting me to come over and drink with her and I always declined. That is when their affair started. 

I have saved everything and let the other moms in the neighborhood know she is doing this to me. She has also sent deranged texts to them and they have all saved them. One of my neighbors is a lawyer and in addition to giving me divorce lawyer recommendations she was outlining the different harassment protection orders. 

OW has been on vacation since sending me that message (literally must have done it before heading to the airport). Her husband and I are supposed to meet when they get back to talk about how we can make it better for her son (I’ve refused to let me kids play with him - not overly so he knows but I have kept my kids at a distance). I’m still going to meet with him and let him know that since she sent me that message I’m disinclined to be accommodating. I’m also going to give him copy so he can use it in any divorce or custody hearings. 

According to the other people in the neighborhood who are still connected to her on FB she is on her way home. Totally dreading that. Installed my Ring doorbell so I can keep an eye on if she approaches. 

I’m seriously nervous about her. She is totally deranged. This 7 day respite has been nice and I wish it could last.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lainey94! said:


> Catching up a few messages (sorry I don’t know how to quote posts).
> 
> His family does know. He’s parents are elderly and suffering dementia but his sister does know I need help with the kids after he was gone and then he showed up at their house (she lives with them to care for them) a total mess so I am glad I told her first.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she is bipolar. Maybe get out a retraining order so if she comes over you can have her arrested right away.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

I can’t get a restraining order without a prior relationship. My husband could have if he hasn’t deleted everything. He said she got “aggressive” with him when he ended it, but I don’t know what that means. Obviously, everything he says should be taken with a grain of salt, but I don’t know why he would lie about that and it is fitting with what I know about here. 

It’s driving her crazy to not have any attention even negative attention so I’ve asked him to continue to follow NC. I won’t respond and I’ve asked the neighbors not when she reaches out about me or him. She had been texting lawyer mom texts to send to me after I blocked her on text. Lawyer mom obviously declined but let me know what she was doing after I disclosed this latest crazy episode. 

Next week is field day at school and I saw her on the signup so I have backed out. She shows up on my volunteer days at school even when she is not on the schedule and I just ignore her. It drives her crazy which is what I think tempted her to send me that last message

It’s is so messed up that she feels the need to hurt me more.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Lainey94! said:


> Catching up a few messages (sorry I don’t know how to quote posts).
> 
> I did send him the OWs message and when we spoke about it he sounded like he was going to throw up. She said a lot of mean things about him to. I’ve always thought she was an little crazy and now he finally believes me.
> 
> ...


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

@notmyjamie - Thanks. I appreciate it. And I did go back and watch that movie recently so maybe I freaked myself out 😳


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Lainey94! said:


> I can’t get a restraining order without a prior relationship. My husband could have if he hasn’t deleted everything. He said she got “aggressive” with him when he ended it, but I don’t know what that means. Obviously, everything he says should be taken with a grain of salt, but I don’t know why he would lie about that and it is fitting with what I know about here.
> 
> It’s driving her crazy to not have any attention even negative attention so I’ve asked him to continue to follow NC. I won’t respond and I’ve asked the neighbors not when she reaches out about me or him. She had been texting lawyer mom texts to send to me after I blocked her on text. Lawyer mom obviously declined but let me know what she was doing after I disclosed this latest crazy episode.
> 
> ...


Keep doing what you're doing. Sadly, there are some effed up people out there who thrive on causing others pain. Even more sad that it's these nutcases people cheat with.

Is there a way to recover the deleted emails? Or did your H clean up everything? If you document all that the AP sent you and continues to send you, you can build up a better case for a protection order.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Lainey94! said:


> I can’t get a restraining order without a prior relationship. My husband could have if he hasn’t deleted everything. He said she got “aggressive” with him when he ended it, but I don’t know what that means. Obviously, everything he says should be taken with a grain of salt, but I don’t know why he would lie about that and it is fitting with what I know about here.


Buy the software Fonelab and you can probably recover a lot of what he deleted from your phone.


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## Lainey94! (May 17, 2019)

His communication with her originally was through texts and then an app called Kik. He deleted the texts and the app. I have everything she has ever sent me. He hasn’t deleted anything from mine. I’ve also taken screenshots just in case.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hope you don't have a pet bunny...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lainey94! said:


> His communication with her originally was through texts and then an app called Kik. He deleted the texts and the app. I have everything she has ever sent me. He hasn’t deleted anything from mine. I’ve also taken screenshots just in case.


Have you actually showed the police what she has sent you? How is that not harassment ?


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