# Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years



## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

You heard it here first.

My wife had a hysterectomy around 9 years ago.
She would have sex with me once a week maybe but it was very painful for her so we cut down to once a month maybe. Then it just stopped.

I tried having sex with her afterwards but when I was getting off (You get bigger) and it seemed like I was raping her. I couldnt think about doing it again and she lost her sex drive anyway and seemed to me she acted like I would if I were asked to bake cookies. I can bake cookies, I would get it done but I would be thinking of something else to do while baking cookies.

I got extensive dental work done and started to snore which was keeping my wife awake. I slept on the sofa a lot so she could sleep the night. We didnt hold each other at night because the operation caused her to have hot flashes and therefore I couldnt hold her. (I heat up at night)

After a while I found myself buying a bed for our spare room and now that is where I sleep.

Four years after no sex I talked to her about it. She said that she wasn't interested in it any more and I started to desire wanting sex. I went on a business trip to Florida and found an escort and hired her for a couple hours in my hotel room. (No, it wasn't all that great) But, I had sex and I felt a weight off me and it was good to feel a woman again. I got home and told my wife, she said she wasnt surprised and said its ok. Its better than going without and she was ok with that. I could do it as needed.

Fast forward a bit I found a lover. FWB type thing. Yes, my wife was aware of it but as you know, it was hurting her. Emotions are what they are and I understood. A few months ago I stopped seeing her after speakinig with my wife. We tried to have sex again but it was worse than being with the hooker. She tried to have sex with me but I could tell she just wasnt into it. She said so afterwards and said she just lost the feelings for sex, not for me, but just for sexual desire.

Now my wife and I have been together for 22 years. I have always been open and honest with her in everything I do. We discussed me having a mistress, the whole deal. We are very much in love with each other and it hurts us because this may make us seperate. It hurts and I have no idea what to do. 

She said if she could go back she would never have the operation. She blames herself and of course I tell her it is no ones fault. It just happened.

Well, she doesnt want to have sex, she doesnt want me to have sex and I want to. Either with her or someone else.
Remember, before you judge me and tell me I ****ed up. This was discussed and tried with a surrogate lover. So save the cheating rants.

I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result. 

Again, My wife and I love each other very much. We have never argued and we are best friends. Just more and more I feel like a room mate.

We are both 44 years old and no children.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Perhaps roommates is exactly what you should be. You're hardly married any longer in the true sense of the word. 

You don't mention divorce at all. Is it not an option? If you're wife never has sex with you again, what are you prepared to do? And what are you waiting for if eight years isn't sufficient?


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

We are still in love with each other. I know sex is a small part of life and I dont see myself giving up 99% of a beautiful relationship for 1% failure.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> You heard it here first.
> 
> My wife had a hysterectomy around 9 years ago.
> She would have sex with me once a week maybe but it was very painful for her so we cut down to once a month maybe. Then it just stopped.
> ...


Why would your wife's vaginal pain equate to a sexless marriage? There are plenty of ways to enjoy sexual interaction without penis-in-vagina sex. So the fact that your sex life, which was already low, went to nonexistent on the back of one sexual orifice becoming unavailable makes no sense whatsoever. Your wife stopped having sex with you for other reasons.

It's absurd that your wife now expects you to, at the age of 44 no less, kill your sexual existence to join her down a road of sexless bliss. It's unfair to ask, and cruel.

You need to get a divorce. You can still love your wife, and hell you can still live with her as a roommate if that works. Just because you end the marriage doesn't mean the love is null and void. Find a woman who fulfills you in every way, and keep your wife in your life as the best friend that she has become.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> We are still in love with each other. I know sex is a small part of life and I dont see myself giving up 99% of a beautiful relationship for 1% failure.


Sex is not a "small part of life" for most people.

If sex was such a "small part of life" then you wouldn't even be here. You wouldn't have hired a hooker. You wouldn't have had a mistress. You wouldn't be resisting your wife's attempts to metaphorically castrate you.

Clearly sex is much more than a "small part of life for you".


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> We are still in love with each other. I know sex is a small part of life and I dont see myself giving up 99% of a beautiful relationship for 1% failure.


Well sex is worth a lot more than 1% of a healthy marriage. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet. If you keep having affairs I think you will find someone that you would rather be with than your wife. Eventually she will realize that sex is not just sex. Then it will get nasty between you and your wife.

Has she seen a doctor about the pain during intercourse and lack of desire?


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

east2west said:


> Well sex is worth a lot more than 1% of a healthy marriage. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet. If you keep having affairs I think you will find someone that you would rather be with than your wife. Eventually she will realize that sex is not just sex. Then it will get nasty between you and your wife.
> 
> Has she seen a doctor about the pain during intercourse and lack of desire?


She went to a doctor and had pills, cream etc, two doctors said that she is a small percent that lose the desire after such an operation. Yes, we went to couples counselling and she doesn't have the feel for it any more. One doctor asked if she was gay to which she said no.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Sex is not a "small part of life" for most people.
> 
> If sex was such a "small part of life" then you wouldn't even be here. You wouldn't have hired a hooker. You wouldn't have had a mistress. You wouldn't be resisting your wife's attempts to metaphorically castrate you.
> 
> Clearly sex is much more than a "small part of life for you".


Good point


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Sex is a big part of life, especially marriage. I feel bad for you and for your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Maxwell,
Sorry, but your situation is effed up. Regardless if your wife agreed to you having sex outside the marriage, it was still cheating. It was a violation of the marriage "contract". Before you jump off the deep end and get bent out of shape with that comment, I will also say that her side of the "contract" has not been fulfilled. It is not unreasonable for a husband to expect sex from his wife. Your situation is a little different in that there is a physical cause for your wife's lack of libido. What has been done by you/your wife to address this?
You indicate that you don't want to sacrifice a 99% good marriage for just a 1% aspect of the marriage. The fact that you have gone outside the marriage twice and that you are even on this board tells me that sex is WAAAYY more than a 1% problem for you. 
From your description, it sounds like you and your wife have talked and she realizes that this is a problem for you. Its good that she can at least recognize that. But now comes the hard part. Has she been medically checked out? What about her hormone levels? Does she WANT to have a libido again? Have you been to a counselor (individual or couple)?


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

When you bring a third party into a marriage, that marriage has its days numbered. IMO, you either you accept that you will not have sex at all or hardly any, or you divorce and move on with a partner that fulfills your emotional and physical needs.
I believe if you stay in the present circumstances, it will only increase your resentment towards her, over time, to a point of killing the love you once felt for her.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I, like the others, think it's way more than a 1% problem. I'd estimate that it's at least a 1.62% problem, if you get my drift. 

My wife had a hysterectomy in her 30's that did not eliminate her sexuality. It just eliminated the 28 day heavy negotiation cycle.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> Yes, we went to couples counselling *and she doesn't have the feel for it any more.*


This would not work for me. If she does not want to work on the problem, then divorce might be the only option.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Why would your wife's vaginal pain equate to a sexless marriage? There are plenty of ways to enjoy sexual interaction without penis-in-vagina sex. So the fact that your sex life, which was already low, went to nonexistent on the back of one sexual orifice becoming unavailable makes no sense whatsoever. Your wife stopped having sex with you for other reasons.
> 
> It's absurd that your wife now expects you to, at the age of 44 no less, kill your sexual existence to join her down a road of sexless bliss. It's unfair to ask, and cruel.
> 
> You need to get a divorce. You can still love your wife, and hell you can still live with her as a roommate if that works. Just because you end the marriage doesn't mean the love is null and void. Find a woman who fulfills you in every way, and keep your wife in your life as the best friend that she has become.


:iagree: , as usual!


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Maxwell,
> Sorry, but your situation is effed up. Regardless if your wife agreed to you having sex outside the marriage, it was still cheating. It was a violation of the marriage "contract". Before you jump off the deep end and get bent out of shape with that comment, I will also say that her side of the "contract" has not been fulfilled. It is not unreasonable for a husband to expect sex from his wife. Your situation is a little different in that there is a physical cause for your wife's lack of libido. What has been done by you/your wife to address this?
> You indicate that you don't want to sacrifice a 99% good marriage for just a 1% aspect of the marriage. The fact that you have gone outside the marriage twice and that you are even on this board tells me that sex is WAAAYY more than a 1% problem for you.
> From your description, it sounds like you and your wife have talked and she realizes that this is a problem for you. Its good that she can at least recognize that. But now comes the hard part. Has she been medically checked out? What about her hormone levels? Does she WANT to have a libido again? Have you been to a counselor (individual or couple)?


I am aware what has been done. Honestly, your comments are unneeded as we both know what lines were crossed. So thanks for the worthless comments.

If you had read any other threads you will know that we have tried to go to doctors etc and they didnt work.

Don't mean to ride your ass about your comments but really, we know what I did and what she is not doing. So now that it is out of the way, thanks.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Maxwell71 said:


> I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result.


It's a lot more common than you think for various reasons and there are many on this board who are in a sexless marriage. Not by choice in most cases. This is the ultimate reason I will likely get divorced next year. It's something I refuse to live without.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Maxwell,
> Sorry, but your situation is effed up. Regardless if your wife agreed to you having sex outside the marriage, it was still cheating. It was a violation of the marriage "contract".


He cheated with the hooker. He didn't cheat with the mistress. The only two people who get to decide, and define, what "cheating" is are the people in the marriage. The marriage contract is open to be revised as the two people within the marriage see fit. There is no arbitrary "marriage contract". So if his wife and he sat down and decided it was perfectly OK for him to have some ass on the side, then they have effectively revised their own marriage contract, and there isn't any cheating involved at all.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> We are still in love with each other. I know sex is a small part of life and I dont see myself giving up 99% of a beautiful relationship for 1% failure.


Sex is not just "1%". If that was the case, you would not be here. You are minimizing something that clearly matters to you.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maxwell, how frequent was sex before the hysterectomy? 

Did she initiate? If so, how often?

Did she appear to enjoy sex back then?

Was the sex satisfying for you?


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Maxwell, how frequent was sex before the hysterectomy?
> 
> Did she initiate? If so, how often?
> 
> ...


We had an amazing sex life. We were starting to explore other things and would always keep it fresh. Sex before was three times a week most of the time. It was amazing and my wife is very beautiful. She still looks the same to me as 20 years ago.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

When she had the hysterectomy, did they have to remove both ovaries too? You would think that there should be some sort of hormone replacement therapy that could help her regain her sex drive.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> When she had the hysterectomy, did they have to remove both ovaries too? You would think that there should be some sort of hormone replacement therapy that could help her regain her sex drive.


They have tried different drugs. Creams, They removed both Ovaries. One, then the other. Then it was over.
It was all over with. My lover was gone for some reason and I want her back.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> They have tried different drugs. Creams, They removed both Ovaries. One, then the other. Then it was over.
> It was all over with. My lover was gone for some reason and I want her back.


Do you have children? If not, did she had the desire to have any?
Undergoing a procedure like that can be very traumatic for a woman.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

I feel for you. You seem to love your wife very deeply. Honestly, your wife sounds severely depressed to me (depression can also be triggered by a hysterectomy). Has she given up on herself? Is she active? What is her life and demeanor like outside of her lack of desire for sex? It just sounds like she is given up in general. I don't say this to excuse her. I don't think what she has asked of you is fair. And I appreciate that your infidelity has been addressed, but do not minimize the impact it may have had on her, especially if depression is at the core of her problem. You may have just validated her feelings of inadequacy with your actions. So although forgiven maybe not forgotten type of thing.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

Memento said:


> Do you have children? If not, did she had the desire to have any?
> Undergoing a procedure like that can be very traumatic for a woman.


We have no children as I stated in my OP. We did want them and have the means and love to support them. She started to mother me and we got a dog for her to mother which worked. 

Hell, maybe its the damn dogs fault (Sorry, humor is all I got to say so I dont scream)


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> We have no children as I stated in my OP. We did want them and have the means and love to support them. She started to mother me and we got a dog for her to mother which worked.
> 
> Hell, maybe its the damn dogs fault (Sorry, humor is all I got to say so I dont scream)


Is it possible that her depression is rooted on the fact she cannot have children? If yes, how about adoption? Have you ever considered that path?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Maxwell, 
You and your wife both get high marks for trying to find a compromise. 

Is it possible for your wife to get turned on by touch or oral? Can she masturbate to orgasm? 

I fully understand the discomfort she has with a relationship - the fwb situation. 

That said she cannot simultaneously claim to love you and demand your celibacy. If intercourse hurts, she absolutely shouldn't do it. 

She can't demand celibacy because you are not ok with it. She can either find some type of sexual activity and frequency that she feels good about doing with you out of love, or she needs to accept that you will have non relationship based sex with other women.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> We have no children as I stated in my OP. We did want them and have the means and love to support them. She started to mother me and we got a dog for her to mother which worked.
> 
> Hell, maybe its the damn dogs fault (Sorry, humor is all I got to say so I dont scream)


What do you mean when you say "She started to mother me"?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, I never really hear of other women agreeing their husbands sleeping with other women to be okay whether escort or not. However, going 8 years without sex is not okay either unless both parties are that LD and agree upon it. There are other things your wife could have done to relieve you in place of the prostitute. Maybe you discussed this and it didn't work. I don't have any advice, but if my husband ever has a PA/EA for whatever reason, I'm outta here in a flash. I'm not okay with infidelity. I think it's the biggest betrayal in a marriage. 

I would find it very hard not wanting to please my husband(unless I'm sick). Not only with sex, but in all ways possible. I would imagine your marriage is over or going to be over in the future. You are living as roommates, not husband and wife. Good luck.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Maxwell,
> Sorry, but your situation is effed up. Regardless if your wife agreed to you having sex outside the marriage, it was still cheating. It was a violation of the marriage "contract".


No way!

Its only cheating if it's done without the other partners knowledge and consent. It's not a break in the contract if the contract is renegotiated as has been done here. 

A marriage is anything the two parties agree on as long as no laws are broken. There is swinging, threesomes, you name it.

She gave the ok, it's not cheating and it's no contract violation.



Maxwell71 said:


> We have no children as I stated in my OP. We did want them and have the means and love to support them. She started to mother me


Now it's getting weird.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

east2west said:


> What do you mean when you say "She started to mother me"?


Ever go to your Garndmothers house and she asks you if you want something to eat, then asks if you want cheese on your sandwich, this kind or that? Want it cut? which way, want something to drink? Soda? in a glass? 

Me thinking to myself I WILL MAKE THE @#$%^ THING MYSELF!

She would pick up after me all the time. I dont mean I am a slob, I would be working on something in the house, I would go get a drink and come back and my tools would be put away. Honestly, you would have to know her to understand her and you are looking at this blind without you knowing her.

She is the sweetest, kindest woman you could ever meet. 
She is an amazing wife and I don't want to leave her. I love her very much and couldnt think of what I would do without her other than having sex. I wouldnt want to trade leaving her to have sex. I dont know if its worth it.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow, I never really hear of other women agreeing their husbands sleeping with other women to be okay whether escort or not. However, going 8 years without sex is not okay either unless both parties are that LD and agree upon it. There are other things your wife could have done to relieve you in place of the prostitute. Maybe you discussed this and it didn't work. I don't have any advice, but if my husband ever has a PA/EA for whatever reason, I'm outta here in a flash. I'm not okay with infidelity. I think it's the biggest betrayal in a marriage.
> 
> I would find it very hard not wanting to please my husband(unless I'm sick). Not only with sex, but in all ways possible. I would imagine your marriage is over or going to be over in the future. You are living as roommates, not husband and wife. Good luck.


Again, You have this "OMG you ****ed someone else" stuck in your head. Get that out of your head. Most would leave but this was in fact discussed because she didnt want to fill that role.

Judging by your handle here I dont think you know what being in love is. She loves me so much that she is willing to try anything. We did try. She asked me to stop and i love her so much I did stop.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

Memento said:


> Did she ever went to a doctor and discussed it with him?


The last few posts I wrote the answer was yes.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> Ever go to your Garndmothers house and she asks you if you want something to eat, then asks if you want cheese on your sandwich, this kind or that? Want it cut? which way, want something to drink? Soda? in a glass?
> 
> Me thinking to myself I WILL MAKE THE @#$%^ THING MYSELF!
> 
> ...


I see. Have you considered the possibility that what actually happened is that she started relating to you in a mothering sort of way, using you as a substitute for having an actual baby and that resulted in her loss interest in you as a sex partner?

It's a bit of a stretch though, I would expect that you banging someone else would shake her out of that kind of thinking.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like you've already made up your mind. You will have a sexless life from now on because you refuse to leave your wife over this. She has demanded celibacy from you and you won't divorce her, so you now either live a life of celibacy, or you DO cheat on her.

Which is it going to be???


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maxwell71 said:


> Again, You have this "OMG you ****ed someone else" stuck in your head. Get that out of your head. Most would leave but this was in fact discussed because she didnt want to fill that role.
> 
> Judging by your handle here I dont think you know what being in love is. She loves me so much that she is willing to try anything. We did try. She asked me to stop and i love her so much I did stop.


Your really funny. I have a really good understanding what being in love is. My husband and I have been married almost 13 years and are extremely close, this includes a very healthy intimate relationship as well. We are not lacking in any areas, never have. I have health issues also and they don't stop me from pleasing my husband. My husband and I put each other first.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Memento said:


> Is it possible that her depression is rooted on the fact she cannot have children? If yes, how about adoption? Have you ever considered that path?


I can certainly imagine a scenario where your wife has fallen into depression over not having kids and knowing that the parts of her that could have provided that have been removed from her. Similar to the how some women view having a mastectomy as making them less of a woman. Sex may now be something that repels here, leaving the two of you with an emotional component as well as the physical.

I did not see any mention of it, but did the counseling touch on this? Also, was the hysterectomy related to not having children?


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your really funny. I have a really good understanding what being in love is. My husband and I have been married almost 13 years and are extremely close, this includes a very healthy intimate relationship as well. We are not lacking in any areas, never have. I have health issues also and they don't stop me from pleasing my husband. My husband and I put each other first.


Bully for you


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I can certainly imagine a scenario where your wife has fallen into depression over not having kids and knowing that the parts of her that could have provided that have been removed from her. Similar to the how some women view having a mastectomy as making them less of a woman. Sex may now be something that repels here, leaving the two of you with an emotional component as well as the physical.
> 
> I did not see any mention of it, but did the counseling touch on this? Also, was the hysterectomy related to not having children?


It touched on everything. She just lost the desire and she cant explain it. It is painful for her. I know there are other ways but the lack of holding someone at night and the not sleeping with her and the no sex and the feeling like I am raping her when we do have sex is just a bit much.

I was just asking if anyone has ever had this sort of thing happen to them and what was the end result. Was it seperation? Did you seperate and then come back together


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maxwell71 said:


> Bully for you


You can't tell me I don't know what being in love is. Listen, your the one that said I didn't know what being in love is. I'm telling you your wrong. We don't go out and have sex outside our marriage consented or not. BTW, no need to respond, I'm not coming back to this thread.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You can't tell me I don't know what being in love is. Listen, your the one that said I didn't know what being in love is. I'm telling you your wrong. We don't go out and have sex outside our marriage consented or not. BTW, no need to respond, I'm not coming back to this thread.


You are breaking my heart


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

can she give you oral,hand job,anal,foot job, there are all kinds of sex you could be having.

are you or her oposed to theses activities? not perfect but in your situation if my wife would please me oraly or with her hands that would certinaly help bridge the gap so to speak.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Did she actually go through with taking the pills and/or cream for hormone replacement? Maybe being depressed she didnt.

Just dont see how taking the proper hormones at the proper level wouldnt help. 

My best advice? Go to another doctor explain what you have here, and ask if hormone therapy of the right dosage could make her have sexual feeling greater than that of a robot.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't judge you for what you've done in the past to try to cope. I do think that what you're contemplating for the future is a mistake. In my mind there are only really 3 reasonable choices. Best choice is that your wife finds some way to be sexual. 2nd best choice is that you divorce. Last choice is that she continues to let you have a mistress. Perhaps a live-in mistress, poly thing. I guess my attitude is more of a 'put out or get out', 'use it or lose it' attitude.

Of course, we're only getting one side of the story. Your reaction to IILWMH on this thread shows a bit of your personality, so I do have to wonder how much of your wife's low drive has to do with that.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't judge you for what you've done in the past to try to cope. I do think that what you're contemplating for the future is a mistake. In my mind there are only really 3 reasonable choices. Best choice is that your wife finds some way to be sexual. 2nd best choice is that you divorce. Last choice is that she continues to let you have a mistress. Perhaps a live-in mistress, poly thing. I guess my attitude is more of a 'put out or get out', 'use it or lose it' attitude.
> 
> Of course, we're only getting one side of the story. Your reaction to IILWMH on this thread shows a bit of your personality, so I do have to wonder how much of your wife's low drive has to do with that.


I am totaly different with people in real life.
I am amazed at people who but in on a thread only to tell me how much they are happy or dont read a post complete. 

I am not here to be judged on what I did, what we did or what to do about it.
I am not asking if I should leave, stay or screw around on her.

I was asking if anyone was in this kind of situation and what happened. This I expressed over and over again in countless posts.

So again, have you been in this sort of situation or no?
No? Then honestly I have no idea why you are posting.

Has anyone? No, then I guess this is a useless thread and needs to be locked.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

sweaty teddy said:


> can she give you oral,hand job,anal,foot job, there are all kinds of sex you could be having.
> 
> are you or her oposed to theses activities? not perfect but in your situation if my wife would please me oraly or with her hands that would certinaly help bridge the gap so to speak.


She could do all of that. You have to understand that it is the lack of emotion, the intimatecy or lack of. I can jerk off and get the same feeling of sex. Its the holding, etc. She could suck me off once a day and it wont replace what she has lost.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The funny thing is, this is the internet and you don't really get to choose what other people say or where they say it. Sorry about that.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure the posts are not countless, since you only have 17 posts.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> I am totaly different with people in real life.
> I am amazed at people who but in on a thread only to tell me how much they are happy or dont read a post complete.
> 
> I am not here to be judged on what I did, what we did or what to do about it.
> ...


Your whole story is either BS or you really are this "unfriendly" from not having banged for 8 years.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't judge you for what you've done in the past to try to cope. I do think that what you're contemplating for the future is a mistake. In my mind there are only really 3 reasonable choices. Best choice is that your wife finds some way to be sexual. 2nd best choice is that you divorce. Last choice is that she continues to let you have a mistress. Perhaps a live-in mistress, poly thing. I guess my attitude is more of a 'put out or get out', 'use it or lose it' attitude.
> 
> Of course, we're only getting one side of the story. Your reaction to IILWMH on this thread shows a bit of your personality, so I do have to wonder how much of your wife's low drive has to do with that.


:iagree:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> I was asking if anyone was in this kind of situation and what happened. This I expressed over and over again in countless posts.
> 
> So again, have you been in this sort of situation or no?
> No? Then honestly I have no idea why you are posting.


Actually I had a nearly sexless, 10 year, roommate period with my wife that I successfully turned around. I did it by doing a bunch of things, including fixing certain things about myself. Just because you don't like the message doesn't mean the messenger doesn't know what he's talking about.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Maxwell71 said:


> I am totaly different with people in real life.
> I am amazed at people who but in on a thread only to tell me how much they are happy or dont read a post complete.
> 
> I am not here to be judged on what I did, what we did or what to do about it.
> ...


Seriously? I think an argument could be made that you ought to look at your own behavior regarding why your wife will not have sex with you.

But then again I have no experience in your situation, so what do I know. Clearly I should just leave you alone.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Maxwell71 said:


> Bully for you


Maxwell - Why are you being so nasty to people who have taken time and consideration to try to help you...even if you don't like their opinion, they are entitled to them and they are trying to help you. 

BTW - that (very nice) posters opinion will probably be in the majority here. This is a very anti-infidelity site...what ever the form of cheating.

Several replies of yours lead me to suspect there are other reasons for the lack of sex in this marriage.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I want to commend your openness with your wife. I am sure it was hurtful and has been hurtful to her not to please you. 

When a female doesn't have sex, often, she loses the momentum and sometimes the desire. Sort of if you don't use it you lose it! 

I am thinking that coupled with the lack of hormones and lack of frequency the drive is nonexistent. I know for my fiance, his low testosterone decreased his drive. Once he began taking testosterone, he has regained his drive and stamina.

I would suggest going to another doctor...perhaps a female gyno or a specialist. Things change, opinions change but this is an important enough subject to try again!

Even with the hormone replacement.....it may take a bit to warm her up given the difficulties!

I applaud you for reaching out!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think Maxwell is upset because he asked a specific question and a lot of people got judgmental about his actions/situation. However, if you post on a public forum, you have to be ready to hang on the public cross.

Maxwell... my wife had a discinct lack of interest with all sorts of excuses, yet when she knew I was leaving the marriage she suddenly found a lot of interest. Could it be that she isn't trying because she knows you are 99% happy and wouldn't leave?

The fact that she accepted your finding an escort leads me to believe she is afraid that you might actually leave. Can you leverage that into her trying harder to regain sexual interest? [not in a blackmail sense but in reality living in a sexless marriage will be difficult]


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

I know it is very hard for your wife also that she can't satisfy you on sex.


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## Maxwell71 (Dec 6, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Maxwell - Why are you being so nasty to people who have taken time and consideration to try to help you...even if you don't like their opinion, they are entitled to them and they are trying to help you.
> 
> BTW - that (very nice) posters opinion will probably be in the majority here. This is a very anti-infidelity site...what ever the form of cheating.
> 
> Several replies of yours lead me to suspect there are other reasons for the lack of sex in this marriage.


There was no help in that.

It was a person telling me what they would do and that they are very happy together.

I get this is the internet but only a couple people in here read what I had to say and responded with good suggestions.

The rest judged. Yep, you are allowed to do that but honestly, how does that help anyone?

I know that "Cheating" isn't looked on as a good thing on this board. I get that. It isn't looked at any where as good. It does happen. People stray and it happens. Get over it.

As far as how I act and that may be a reason why my wife may not want to have sex. You don't know me. (See how judging makes everyone look like an ass?)

Either way I will retire from this board. No one seems to be in the same situation as me and i thought I could find out what others did. Instead I get someone that is very happy with their life and if they were her... I get people telling me I am a cheater and to leave my wife and I get others that call me an @sshole for my replies.

I put myself out there and I earned everything that was said. 
Yes, I will say it again, its a public board and anyone can say anything.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> There was no help in that.
> 
> It was a person telling me what they would do and that they are very happy together.
> 
> ...


I think your wife holds hard feelings that you stepped out of the mariage sexually. event though she gave you permission she is still very hurt by it and that is the reason she isn't emotionaly connected with you.

I think many women in your wifes position (low or no sex drive)say go you and find some on the side but very seldom or never really mean it. they say it hoping you will love them no matter what its a royal sh*t test.



good luck


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Maxwell71 said:


> I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result.


Yes. It happened to me: although not the way it happened to you. After the birth of our last child my LW went back to having 4 to 5 cigarettes a day, and then she turned 30. This magic combination forced her Gynaecologist to take her off the pill and put her on the six-month shot. She had a known, yet statistically rare side-effect to the shot. She didn't want to be touched - _at all_ - and sex became out of the question. 

When this first began we had different work schedules, and a new born in the house and we were both just exhausted. So, neither of us thought too much about our sex life for several months. Those months turned into a year... and then another, and another. I can't recall exactly when I began to realize that we hadn't had sex in months, it may have been in that first year. But I do remember that I really began to resent that six-month shot every time it came around. I tried to talk to her about it, but the paradox was that she had no interest in sex, so there was no incentive to find another option. So, that was that, and I just gave up on the idea of having sex again, and dedicated myself to making my family happy.

After nine years... her Doctor found her a new birth control option, and over the course of several months the drug in her system began to wear off. Somewhere after about four months, the years of pent up sex drive broke through the damn and I couldn't keep up. 

I still can't keep up. She became so overwhelmed that she began disclosing all the various sex acts she engaged in during college and with her Ex. Things she'd never talked about before, and I still can't keep up. I'm not the same lover she had ten years ago. I'm not used to the way things were with us _before_ the drugs... let alone her new super high sex drive.

So, yeah, it happened to me. 
Yes, my situation is different. 

How did I handle it during the cold years? You just buckle up and do what you promised you'd do. Marriage, to me, isn't about sex. Sure, it can be a benefit, but the relationship and the vows I took mean something. Sickness and in health...

Did I think about stepping out? Sure, a couple of times, but I only ever _thought_ about it. I couldn't have done it. I think I would had a lot of trouble doing that, even if I had her permission.

What should you do? Besides _Love your wife_? 
I don't know what to say. (I should also include: ignore many of the opinions of posters here - they attacked me with identical veracity when I explained my experience. For the kind of guy that puts his promise ahead of his penis, it's a really rough room.) 

I am sure that your wife is as upset about losing her lover, as you are about losing yours. Keep talking, keep those doors of communication open, and be positive! You can find a solution if you have the will to do so.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> How did I handle it during the cold years? You just buckle up and do what you promised you'd do. *Marriage, to me, isn't about sex. Sure, it can be a benefit, but the relationship and the vows I took mean something. Sickness and in health...*
> 
> Did I think about stepping out? Sure, a couple of times, but I only ever _thought_ about it. I couldn't have done it. I think I would had a lot of trouble doing that, even if I had her permission.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Mr. Vanilla, I want to say thank you, but it almost feels like it's not enough. It's just so nice to hear these words and I am sure your sentiment is shared by other men here (though clearly not all). Your wife is very lucky to have you, as I am sure you are lucky to have her. 

And thanks for pointing out that OP's wife has also lost so much throughout this process. I think that the OP's reaction to this thread is very telling of what occurs when he does not get his needs met. And I'll say it again, Maxwell if you really want to understand and change your situation, take a long hard look and how your actions contributed to where you are at. Otherwise, you may never get your lover back. This has become more than just a physical phenomenon.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sex is an intrinsic part of marriage.

Has your wife seen her Doctor to try got regain her sexual desire ?


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Sex is an intrinsic part of marriage.
> 
> Has your wife seen her Doctor to try got regain her sexual desire ?


Brace yourself. The person who initiated this post is going to complain that he already answered that question in a different post.
Plus, if you are not in the same situation has him, most likely, he will dismiss or minimize your comment.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Cut the guy some slack, its been 8 years, he's backed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

Have you guys considered a naturopathic doctor to fix her libido issues? I am immersed in the world of modern medicine. I've found that cases like this, naturopathic doctors are better at fixing than modern medicine.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Teddy, 
That is your opinion and this is mine. 

I would rather tell my W that I am going to have pay for sex and let her decide whether or not she wants to:
- continue our sexual relationshio
- accept the outside entertainment or
- demand celibacy or divorce me

And for the nth time, it isn't cheating if you say what's what up front.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Teddy,
> That is your opinion and this is mine.
> 
> I would rather tell my W that I am going to have pay for sex and let her decide whether or not she wants to:
> ...


I said it was a royal sh*t test ! I didn't sat he should accept it!

the op indicated he was more interested in the emotional connecting than just haveing sex or being serviced.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

If she won't have sex with you why is she so concerned about your sex life ???


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Moiraine said:


> Have you guys considered a naturopathic doctor to fix her libido issues? I am immersed in the world of modern medicine. I've found that cases like this, naturopathic doctors are better at fixing than modern medicine.


And how, pray tell, have your determined this? :scratchhead: This is a "profession" that isn't even allowed to practice in most states.


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