# intimacy issues...



## loiue (Sep 7, 2011)

Hi all,

Wanted to get some opinions and advice.

I am 24 yrs old me and partner have been togeather 9 years, we have 2 kids with another on the way. We have a mortgage, car loans responsibities.
Ok so me and my partner have been have been having problems intimacy wise lately. Although we still have sex once a week it is very quick, very matter of fact there is no love or tenderness. sometimes ill admit i am to blame but even when i have tried to do things other than intercourse he doesnt seem interested in returning the favor. I have confronted him about it and he says he has lost interest, that it is not my fault that he just cant be bothered anymore. On other levels we are fine our family life is great he is a committed father, and he is still affectionate outside the bedroom he still tells me he loves me and cuddles and kisses (not to the same extent) but still there is physical contact. I tell him i love him daily, i still tell him im attracted to him. I do not want to affect his self esteem any more and things to disipate totally in the bedroom.
We have had some problems over the past year or more. A few months ago he lost his job, he now has another one but i have tried to be supportive for him telling him i love him helping him with his job searching creating resumes cover letters etc.
I was suspicious earlier this year he was having an emotional (if not more) affair with someone else. I confronted him about itand he said he was talking and flirting but it was nothinh to worry about.
Also last year i told him that i had been sexually abused by a relative when i was 15 and it occurred on more than one occasion not long after me and my partner had started dating and having an intimate relationship and that i was affraid of telling him i was protecting his feelings as well as myself. I have tried to be open and honest now about everything he feels i am untrust worthy now. 
I need opinions and advice should i try to talk to him? Should I still be with him even though my sexual needs arent being fulfilled?
I have considered cheating on him with men, women, couples just so i feel something again. I have not done this i decided it would be wrong and that i should try and stick it out as i love him. 
When i have confronted him he says its not me it not in my head it is him and what is in his head. He said he is trying ti sort it out and i will know if its fixed, also there was a bug emphasis that it may not ever be fixed. 
What should I do?


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

If he can't communicate his issues with you, you are left wondering what is going on with him. You are left hanging with all the doubts, uncertainties, rejections, etc. If you keep trying to get him to show affection and are continually rejected, that is an unhealthy situation. I know as I'm in a similar situation with my wife. The constant rejection will build up and eat at you. 

What is he doing to address his "issues"? Is he seeking counseling? Has he been able to verbalize his issues to you? You are left with little to go on without more information.


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## Luke728 (Sep 8, 2011)

I would definitely keep trying to talk to him. I guess the difficult thing is to keep talking without coming across as nagging. I think we all go through difficult times when we feel like we're not getting what we need out of a relationship. I definitely would be concerned with him being emotionally connected to someone ele. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loiue (Sep 7, 2011)

thanks all...
Although it is hard and i feel unloved at times, I am going to try stick it out and keep trying to get through to him.
We were seeking therapy for my sexual abuse but have since ceased as it is very hard for my partner to deal with emotionally and has gotten bitter and angry towards me about it all.
I keep telling him that he needs to see a doctor or a therapy that i feel he is depressed, he has acknowledged that he is but doesnt see the point on therapy. He thinks it will be a waste of time...Sometimes i feel he doesnt want to do anything to help the situation.
I will admit there was a period of time a for a few months ago where i wasnt trying also, but being like that wasnt healthy for me my partner or my family. So i am doing my best to stay positive and support everyone around me in any way i can.

so thank you for the feedback. i suppose i just needed to be heard as my problems seem to be falling on deaf ears elsewhere.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

Gah! Keep trying for therapy. Just gotta be blunt about it and say hey, this isn't going to work if we don't fix things. You should be able to get it through to him that you don't want to live like this. What's the point? Life should be fulfilling and happy. Don't sweat the times of not trying. We are human and can only do so much. Just keep at it, and it will be so worth it.


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## loiue (Sep 7, 2011)

Thank you Rosie. I appreciate your bluntness...Its a welcome relief.
You have made me feel validated when i just gave up. But if i didnt for a while i think i would've been worse off. Now I feel I am committed to nutting this out and will not give up until there is a solution...although i may not like it, still I a determined now.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

I can understand where you are coming from. We, too, started our family early. I got pregnant at 16. Luckily both my hubby and I had and still have a VERY strong desire to have a happy, healthy family. It hasn't ever been easy. Down this path both sides miss out on some pretty crucial independent growth and maturing. I've found that it's not necessarily a bad thing (in the end, at least), because you two, like my hubby and I, have had the opportunity to grow and form a pretty strong bond together.

As long as the desire and willingness is present on both sides, things can be worked out. I probably say this in every post I make, but talk, talk, talk! Nothing will happen without the talking, hehe. And just give it time. We've gone through an entire year of crappiness (mostly due to me not TALKING lol) in the past. It takes work, but you can get there, I know it! Good luck!


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## NewlyWedMomy (Sep 10, 2011)

I can relate hun... keep talking about it and keep trying to get your point a cross with how it makes you feel!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

txhunter54 said:


> If he can't communicate his issues with you, you are left wondering what is going on with him. You are left hanging with all the doubts, uncertainties, rejections, etc. If you keep trying to get him to show affection and are continually rejected, that is an unhealthy situation. I know as I'm in a similar situation with my wife. The constant rejection will build up and eat at you.


You said it perfectly. This is where i am too.


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## loiue (Sep 7, 2011)

Rosie123 said:


> It takes work, but you can get there, I know it! Good luck!


Thanks you this is how i feel and hopefully DH comes around eventually.


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