# We.



## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

c


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> This is our first Christmas together. We got stockings for the family. I filled his stocking and my DDs stocking. On Christmas Day my stocking was empty. Everyone was oblivious to the fact that my stocking was empty. I felt sad. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be accused of being petty. The next day I asked him why he didn’t fill my stocking. He got upset and hurt that I would say anything and he said I overlooked and didn’t appreciate that he put a lot of thought into my actual gift. I just felt sad and hurt. I wasn’t angry. I felt like he didn’t hear what I was trying to say and instead he felt attacked.


I get why the stocking made you sad. What gift did he get you and was it a good one for you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you always do stockings? Does he usually buy things for the stocking?


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

[x


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Do you always do stockings? Does he usually buy things for the stocking?


This is our first Christmas together. We have only been together for six months.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I guess you would have needed to tell everyone that you're going to fill their stockings and you expect them to put something in yours. Of course any kids would have thought Santa would do it! Did your husband put anything in the stockings for the kids? Did he just assume that was your job? If so you just got a guy who doesn't think it's his job. Which sucks but isn't unusual. Some people hate to shop really bad (though that is really no excuse now that there is Amazon) and don't have any idea what to get you much less trying to find small little nothings to put in a Christmas stocking. If he put some thought into your present, and you didn't outright tell him he needed to help stuff stockings, I think you better let it drop. But I totally understand why your feelings would be hurt. Seems like there's always a thoughtful one in the family, and that they are also often the unappreciated one. 

I got really hurt one Christmas with just my small group of friends I had invited over. The tree fell over and literally no one got up to help me put it back up. They just sat there. I went off to the bathroom because I got tearful and my female friend followed me in there and kind of understood. But I mean not one helpful person in the room. When you try to make things nice for people and they don't appreciate it, it's sad.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Only put up stockings for the pets next year. They always appreciate it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@Sincerelyme I think history will repeat itself if you’re not careful. You now have a guy living off your dime and he’s making you feel guilty because he screwed up. The last time you were here your ex punched you in the mouth because you suggested giving his kids a key of the house instead of leaving the place unlocked all day.
You need to improve your picker and you need to get this leech out of your life.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Only put up stockings for the pets next year. They always appreciate it.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> I feel like he’s taking advantage of me because he spends 90% of the time at my house and he only goes to his house to shovel or check on it about three times a month. He doesn’t pay rent or any expenses. Then he acts like he’s sacrificing his time by spending all of it at my house.


So, it sounds like _this_ is the real issue?


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> @Sincerelyme I think history will repeat itself if you’re not careful. You now have a guy living off your dime and he’s making you feel guilty because he screwed up. The last time you were here your ex punched you in the mouth because you suggested giving his kids a key of the house instead of leaving the place unlocked all day.
> You need to improve your picker and you need to get this leech out of your life.


I agree. I’m seriously thinking of getting rid of this one too


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> So, it sounds like _this_ is the real issue?


I’ve tried to bring this up to him but he just never wants to talk about it


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> I’ve tried to bring this up to him but he just never wants to talk about it


Okay. So you need to learn a little about assertive communication skills...


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> Okay. So you need to learn a little about assertive communication skills...


Ok can you give me some tips? That’s why I’m here


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sincerelyme said:


> He got me two gifts. A nice soft pair of pajamas and a necklace. They were thoughtful. I did appreciate them. I got him a custom cut suit, a Patagonia jacket, and some workout gear. I feel like he’s taking advantage of me because he spends 90% of the time at my house and he only goes to his house to shovel or check on it about three times a month. He doesn’t pay rent or any expenses. Then he acts like he’s sacrificing his time by spending all of it at my house. He finally got around to buying groceries about once a month. I thought he could have at least got me some items for my stocking. I informed him that the stocking is for little items about three weeks ago when I put them up. Then yesterday he said he didn’t understand how the stocking worked. I’m not a good digger. I just wished he had noticed that my stocking was empty while they both were happy that they got things like bubble bath and snacks.


Maybe his family didn't do stockings when he was a kid and he really didn't know. 

If he's going to be living there you're going to have to talk to him about sharing expenses and responsibilities, or encourage him to spend more time at his own place and I guess that's going to be a touchy conversation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sincerelyme said:


> This is our first Christmas together. We have only been together for six months.


Ok well in that case it's more understandable. Most families I know only have stockings for the children not the adults. His family may well be the same. 
In the end he isn't a mind reader is he.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

[h


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Ok well in that case it's more understandable. Most families I know only have stockings for the children not the adults. His family may well be the same.
> In the end he isn't a mind reader is he.


No and we’ve discussed the importance of stating expectations clearly. I did state to him that the stocking is for small items. I didn’t know I was supposed to say “you have to fill my stocking” also ironically he said he likes to suprise each other with gifts rather than telling each other what we want


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> Ok can you give me some tips? That’s why I’m here


Well, ultimately that's deep work. You need to work out what it is you actually mean.



Sincerelyme said:


> I’ve tried to bring this up to him but he just never wants to talk about it


Okay, give me some dialogue. How do you bring it up to him? Like
You: "......"
Him "......"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Everyone (may have) noticed that your stocking was empty.
No one noticed the empty place in your heart.

In itself, the stocking is a nice touch.
Those small, finishing strokes, say, on a portrait. that make it worthy.

The stocking was overlooked by your boyfriend because he is used to those common broad strokes.

Few ladies and fewer men are sentimental and attuned to all these quaint traditions.

We learn these things in childhood. 
Maybe he missed out on this one.

Men can be obtuse.

As @Laurentium said, it was less the stocking and more the love for him slipping away.

You have begun to resent the man.

Consider breaking it off with him. 
If you do, politely return the Christmas presents.

Compatibility is the most important thing in a union.




_Lilith-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sincerelyme said:


> Thanks for the kind response. I appreciate it. Yes he said his family didn’t do stockings. I did explain to him my expectations when I put the stockings up. He stated next year he will fill my stocking.
> I will be assertive and ask him about splitting household costs. I’ll try it this week. I’ve tried to discuss it but he gets sensitive and acts like he’s done something wrong. He’s getting better at having difficult conversations.


Well it's more understandable then. He really just didn't know what to do exactly. 

It may be too soon to start trying to have him really move in and split expenses though. But you're going to have to have some kind of talk with him about it. Maybe you just start talking about how he's there most of the time anyway and find out if he's on a lease or planning on keeping his place or what. That can be a casual conversation just finding out that much. You could just with a smile say, You're hardly ever at home anymore. Maybe you just see what he says to that and then say something like, well if we're still spending this much time together in another 6 months, I guess we'll need to talk about all that. That way it kicks it down the road for 6 months because it really is too early to just move in together I think. You're probably just now getting to know the real him and vice versa. 

But it would let him know in a non-threatening way that if this is still the case 6 months from now that it will be time to make some kind of move.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Eh. We never filled stockings in my family. If that's something you never did at Christmas I could see forgetting about it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sincerelyme said:


> He got me two gifts. A nice soft pair of pajamas and a necklace. They were thoughtful. I did appreciate them. I got him a custom cut suit, a Patagonia jacket, and some workout gear. I feel like he’s taking advantage of me because he spends 90% of the time at my house and he only goes to his house to shovel or check on it about three times a month. He doesn’t pay rent or any expenses. Then he acts like he’s sacrificing his time by spending all of it at my house. He finally got around to buying groceries about once a month. I thought he could have at least got me some items for my stocking. I informed him that the stocking is for little items about three weeks ago when I put them up. Then yesterday he said he didn’t understand how the stocking worked. I’m not a good digger. I just wished he had noticed that my stocking was empty while they both were happy that they got things like bubble bath and snacks.


If he still has his own house and is paying a mortgage and $ to keep the utilities on there, it's more than a bit much to expect him to ALSO pay rent at your house.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Livvie said:


> If he still has his own house and is paying a mortgage and $ to keep the utilities on there, it's more than a bit much to expect him to ALSO pay rent at your house.


Both our houses are paid off. I’ve asked for us to go stay at his house but he never takes the initiative to arrange it. I don’t want to invite myself.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Eh. We never filled stockings in my family. If that's something you never did at Christmas I could see forgetting about it.


I plan to stop the practice


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> He got me two gifts. A nice soft pair of pajamas and a necklace. They were thoughtful. I did appreciate them. I got him a custom cut suit, a Patagonia jacket, and some workout gear. I feel like he’s taking advantage of me because he spends 90% of the time at my house and he only goes to his house to shovel or check on it about three times a month. He doesn’t pay rent or any expenses. Then he acts like he’s sacrificing his time by spending all of it at my house. He finally got around to buying groceries about once a month. I thought he could have at least got me some items for my stocking. I informed him that the stocking is for little items about three weeks ago when I put them up. Then yesterday he said he didn’t understand how the stocking worked. I’m not a good digger. I just wished he had noticed that my stocking was empty while they both were happy that they got things like bubble bath and snacks.


Ok so you are in a new relationship. Christmas obviously means more to you than him. I got stockings when I was little, loved them as a kid. My SMIL does stocking and I hate them. They are always filled with crap. Great more crap for my house which is already a mess.

He's said he will do better next year. I think the stocking thing is a little bit just different expectations. Frankly many men have grown up with others filling stockings and them not having to. When you told him about the stocking and small presents did you specifically let him know HE was the one to fill your stocking? If so then his bad. On the other hand he brought you present you claim to have liked so why worry about something small in the stocking.

The bigger issue is you and he haven't worked out a living arrangement that you both feel good about. Next year you may also want to discuss price ranges for presents so that you don't way over do or him under do. You can still do surprises with a range.

So he does have a place. I don't see how you can expect rent. You can expect groceries and perhaps partial utilities. You can work it where he buys groceries or he can just give you money. Or you two can shop together and alternate who pays.

I can't tell if he's using you or not but now is an excellent time to set boundaries within the relationship. Discuss expectations.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He needs to be buying a lot more groceries if he’s spending 90% of his time at your house and you’re taking care of it all.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so you are in a new relationship. Christmas obviously means more to you than him. I got stockings when I was little, loved them as a kid. My SMIL does stocking and I hate them. They are always filled with crap. Great more crap for my house which is already a mess.
> 
> He's said he will do better next year. I think the stocking thing is a little bit just different expectations. Frankly many men have grown up with others filling stockings and them not having to. When you told him about the stocking and small presents did you specifically let him know HE was the one to fill your stocking? If so then his bad. On the other hand he brought you present you claim to have liked so why worry about something small in the stocking.
> 
> ...


I can’t tell if he’s using me or not either. I don’t expect rent but just something to offset the added cost of food and other things he just takes freely of, and he doesn’t seem to understand that it costs me money to replace these things. I’m a single mom. And then he turns around and gives hundreds to his nephew or dad. Maybe he doesn’t see me as family or maybe he cares more about his family than he does me which is reasonable but eventually you have to care more about your life partner than your biological family. Here’s an example; I buy a case of premade protein drinks that cost me about $2 a bottle after buying them in bulk and he just helps himself to one every day without thinking about buying a case for the house. That’s just one example.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> I feel like he’s taking advantage of me because he spends 90% of the time at my house and he only goes to his house to shovel or check on it about three times a month. He doesn’t pay rent or any expenses. Then he acts like he’s sacrificing his time by spending all of it at my house. He finally got around to buying groceries about once a month.


I think the stocking issue is secondary and minor. The thing is, people who have strong boundaries don't end up being taken advantage of. Honestly, this guy sounds like a bit of a user and a taker. 

I can only tell you what I'd do in a similar situation, and that would be to end the relationship. However, I'd first calmly and firmly state what is making me unhappy (and I don't mean the stocking). My guess is he'd start tossing a fit. Fine. Let him. Then tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.

You've only been with this guy for six months. You're not happy with the way things are. Sadly, I think keeping him around could mean things will get even worse unless you assert yourself.

People can only be taken advantage of if they allow it. Stop allowing it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Th


Laurentium said:


> Okay. So you need to learn a little about assertive communication skills...


That’s easy ...... “ring ring ... hello officer...”


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> I can’t tell if he’s using me or not either. I don’t expect rent but just something to offset the added cost of food and other things he just takes freely of, and he doesn’t seem to understand that it costs me money to replace these things. I’m a single mom. And then he turns around and gives hundreds to his nephew or dad. Maybe he doesn’t see me as family or maybe he cares more about his family than he does me which is reasonable but eventually you have to care more about your life partner than your biological family. Here’s an example; I buy a case of premade protein drinks that cost me about $2 a bottle after buying them in bulk and he just helps himself to one every day without thinking about buying a case for the house. That’s just one example.


So do you care about the shopping or the money or both. If it were me I'd just lovingly say. Listen honey I love you and you are welcome to anything in the house (if that is true) but I need you to pay your fair share. If you are going to come over and stay then $x / month would cover the food and utilities. If he thinks it's too high then you can name the price of items like the protein shake. It seems like you two are still kind of dating and you are expecting to be treated like a wife and he's expecting to be treated like a guest. You both have some adjusting to do.

You don't even have to be poor to expect to be treated fairly


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Ok I will have this conversation with him.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> Ok I will have this conversation with him.


OK. Run it past us. What do you plan to say? What do you think he'll reply?


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> So do you care about the shopping or the money or both. If it were me I'd just lovingly say. Listen honey I love you and you are welcome to anything in the house (if that is true) but I need you to pay your fair share. If you are going to come over and stay then $x / month would cover the food and utilities. If he thinks it's too high then you can name the price of items like the protein shake. It seems like you two are still kind of dating and you are expecting to be treated like a wife and he's expecting to be treated like a guest. You both have some adjusting to do.
> 
> You don't even have to be poor to expect to be treated fairly


I just don’t want to be taken advantage of financially because my previous boyfriend did that.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> OK. Run it past us. What do you plan to say? What do you think he'll reply?


I’ll like say
Sweety, can we talk about our living situation? You’re here most of the time and I love that you are. But I’m wondering if you’d be able to chip on to offset the extra cost of things I’m having to take on with another body in the house. These are difficult conversations for couples to have and it can be uncomfortable but I hope that we are in a place in a our relationship where we can have those kinds of necessary conversations.
He will feel sad and he might get upset but he will think about it and come up with a solution.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> I just don’t want to be taken advantage of financially because my previous boyfriend did that.


So then let him know about the money. 

I had a boyfriend in college. I was dirt poor and lived in the ghetto. He 'lived' with me and ate my food. He didn't seem to understand how poor I was. He thought if he took me out to a nice dinner once a month that should do it. Except that was still only one meal. So him eating 1/2 of my food for a month wasn't the same even if he was paying a lot of money for it. Since his parent were paying his bills and they bought him the meal plan on campus he 'couldn't' buy groceries or they would want to know why. It was a mess. I was very resentful since I lived on $1/ meal and even back then that wasn't a lot.

If he says anything you can let him know that not only is it fair but it triggers bad emotions in you from prior experiences. You can again offer to spend time at his house. Though you say your a single mom so I'm not sure how flexible you actually are on spending an equal time at his house. Let him buy the groceries.

Just make sure that the conversation is about adjustments and not about resentment. He may feel loved that you take care of him and make his food and have protein drinks he likes. Make sure he understands it doesn't mean you love him less.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> I’ll like say
> Sweety, can we talk about our living situation? You’re here most of the time and I love that you are. But I’m wondering if you’d be able to chip on to offset the extra cost of things I’m having to take on with another body in the house. These are difficult conversations for couples to have and it can be uncomfortable but I hope that we are in a place in a our relationship where we can have those kinds of necessary conversations.
> He will feel sad and he might get upset but he will think about it and come up with a solution.


This is a good start. But when you say pitch in for the extra cost make sure to bang out the details on how much and when it will get paid. Otherwise you are setting up for another misunderstanding like the stockings because he'll give you $20 at some point for something and think he's good.

Most people who don't shop regular for groceries or specialty items like protein shakes have no idea how much they cost.
I don't know what he did before he met you. Did he eat out a lot? just buy convivence foods, eat Raman? It's easy for a single person who doesn't care to eat at a fast food restaurant for $2 if they skip the drink and get the $1 burger or what have you. Never in their life would they imagine the healthy meal they just ate and washed down with a protein shake cost $5. Hell I do the shopping and I'm still surprised at how much I spend on healthy groceries.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> Sweety, can we talk about our living situation? You’re here most of the time and I love that you are. But I’m wondering if you’d be able to chip on to offset the extra cost of things I’m having to take on with another body in the house. These are difficult conversations for couples to have and it can be uncomfortable but I hope that we are in a place in a our relationship where we can have those kinds of necessary conversations.


That's not bad. I'd say it's a bit too long. Assertive is short. I'd definitely leave out the second half (after "house") and just say "what do you think?" 



> He will feel sad and he might get upset but he will think about it and come up with a solution.


That's good. Any guess what his actual words might be?


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

he will say he works hard to show that he cares and it’s never enough.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> he will say he works hard to show that he cares and it’s never enough.


Explain it isn't about caring. It's simply a fair way to split the money.

I mean unless he bought you a car or something you haven't told us about. Let him know this is a different conversation than the stocking. This is simply when two people semi live together they have to figure out what that's going to look like. 

Now on the other hand you need to be realistic. Twice you've brought up that he feels he isn't doing enough to make you happy, like the stocking and now in this make believe conversation. Are you being a princess? Like the stocking seemed a little much to be concerned about. Then the list of gifts you way over did and then felt bad about the stocking. You love language might be gifts but that doesn't mean his is or that he knows what's your love language. You should look up 'The 5 love languages'. OR is he simply consistently showing he doesn't really care for you and you are calling him on it. Third option you two haven't figured out how to communicate without fault and guilt being assigned.

But let's say you are being a princess and he's just not meeting those expectations. You shouldn't stay in a relationship that someone is consistently not meeting your expectations. Even if your expectations are higher than most (not saying they are). Know why, because the other person isn't going to change and you are going to consistently be unhappy.

So why does he feel it's never enough? Or is he using that to make his lacking ok?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sincerelyme said:


> _*He doesn’t pay rent or any expenses. Then he acts like he’s sacrificing his time by spending all of it at my house. He finally got around to buying groceries about once a month. I thought he could have at least got me some items for my stocking. I informed him that the stocking is for little items about three weeks ago when I put them up. Then yesterday he said he didn’t understand how the stocking worked. I’m not a good digger. I just wished he had noticed that my stocking was empty while they both were happy that they got things like bubble bath and snacks.*_


But I'll bet he's MORE than happy to eat your food day after day, and use your hot water to shower and your shampoo and soap and everything else, right? I'm almost willing to bet he also dumps his laundry at your place.

What a catch.

You got yourself a lazy ass who only wants to do the minimum - while taking advantage of all the benefits you offer. He apparently has NO qualms about leeching off of you day after day while contributing *nothing *in return.

I can see why you like him. 😏

So how much longer are you going to put with being taken advantage of by a PARASITE?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Maybe he doesn't want you over his house for a reason....


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> he will say he works hard to show that he cares and it’s never enough.


Okay, Good. Pull on that thread!

*You*: "You’re here most of the time and I love that you are. But I’m wondering if you’d be able to chip on to offset the extra cost of things I’m having to take on with another body in the house."
*Him*: "I work hard to show I care and it’s never enough"
*You*: "Oh! You feel that what you do is never enough? That must be tough. Tell me more about that..."

That's kind of like a judo thing. Either way, you'll find out what it is. Maybe, as one person said, he's a parasite who doesn't really expect to contribute. Or maybe, as someone else said, you've expected him to read your mind and made him feel his task was impossible. Let him speak his speech and he may make it clear. You don't have to believe the things he says, just because you let him say them!

You asked about assertive communication. It's often about "oh, tell me more" rather than "no you're wrong". Any good police officer or teacher learns this.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> This is a good start. But when you say pitch in for the extra cost make sure to bang out the details on how much and when it will get paid. Otherwise you are setting up for another misunderstanding like the stockings because he'll give you $20 at some point for something and think he's good.
> 
> Most people who don't shop regular for groceries or specialty items like protein shakes have no idea how much they cost.
> I don't know what he did before he met you. Did he eat out a lot? just buy convivence foods, eat Raman? It's easy for a single person who doesn't care to eat at a fast food restaurant for $2 if they skip the drink and get the $1 burger or what have you. Never in their life would they imagine the healthy meal they just ate and washed down with a protein shake cost $5. Hell I do the shopping and I'm still surprised at how much I spend on healthy groceries.


He’s used to eating simple foods and he’s tiny simple foods and he doesn’t spend much on himself


Benbutton said:


> Maybe he doesn't want you over his house for a reason....


what reason might that be?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sincerelyme said:


> This is our first Christmas together. We got stockings for the family. I filled his stocking and my DDs stocking. On Christmas Day my stocking was empty. Everyone was oblivious to the fact that my stocking was empty. I felt sad. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be accused of being petty. The next day I asked him why he didn’t fill my stocking. He got upset and hurt that I would say anything and he said I overlooked and didn’t appreciate that he put a lot of thought into my actual gift. I just felt sad and hurt. I wasn’t angry. I felt like he didn’t hear what I was trying to say and instead he felt attacked.


I can understand your disappointment, but most men don't get subtlety.
They don't always understand when they should mirror their wives or girlfriends.
Did you tell him that you'd like some small sentimental gifts in your stocking?
If you do it again next year, I will bet that he will remember and fill your stocking.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sincerelyme said:


> This is our first Christmas together. We have only been together for six months.


Your stocking dreams are a clear case of you having these expectations and you expecting him toreador your mind and put all this effort that YOU expected….
He’s got business to handle. Stocking aren’t in his mind. He’s a man. Bigger fish to fry.
He got you two thoughtful gifts. They aren’t good enough. I’d be upset if I were him.

Men on average just don’t dig all these special requirements that women come up with in order to feel loved.

What, you want him to pay rent? Gotta say so up front. You’re not a gold digger, you’re just hell on covert contracts. No man will go for that crap long term. You might find yourself a really weak man that would be All about it. Look for him. Seems like there’s quite a few out there.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your stocking dreams are a clear case of you having these expectations and you expecting him toreador your mind and put all this effort that YOU expected….
> He’s got business to handle. Stocking aren’t in his mind. He’s a man. Bigger fish to fry.
> He got you two thoughtful gifts. They aren’t good enough. I’d be upset if I were him.
> 
> ...


I'm a woman, and filling a stocking is not on my mind, either. It doesn't sound very fun and I'd hate every minute of shopping for little crap like that. 

I'd also be really irritated if I was going to someday be judged on the way I filled it, too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> I’ve decided next year I won’t do the stocking.


Do you usually put up a stocking for your DD? How old is she?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> He got me two gifts. A nice soft pair of pajamas and a necklace. They were thoughtful. I did appreciate them. I got him a custom cut suit, a Patagonia jacket, and some workout gear. I feel like he’s taking advantage of me because he spends 90% of the time at my house and he only goes to his house to shovel or check on it about three times a month. He doesn’t pay rent or any expenses. Then he acts like he’s sacrificing his time by spending all of it at my house. He finally got around to buying groceries about once a month. I thought he could have at least got me some items for my stocking. I informed him that the stocking is for little items about three weeks ago when I put them up. Then yesterday he said he didn’t understand how the stocking worked. I’m not a good digger. I just wished he had noticed that my stocking was empty while they both were happy that they got things like bubble bath and snacks.


Since he’s always at your place - he should definitely be paying half the rent/mortgage plus half the bills. Half the food too.

You may have evidence he’s not a good gift buyer - so buy things you really want and put them in the stocking yourself.

But obviously this little thing snowballed and shows bigger issues.

Have him pay half - otherwise he’s just a mooch!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She says he eats very little snd fiends very little on himself. So how much does he eat? How much electricity does he use? 
Why not just tell him a particular amount you want him to pay so you won’t feel used and abused. I suspect he would be glad to.
But stop the covert contract stuff.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> Since he’s always at your place - he should definitely be paying half the rent/mortgage plus half the bills. Half the food too.
> 
> You may have evidence he’s not a good gift buyer - so buy things you really want and put them in the stocking yourself.
> 
> ...


Her house is paid off. He also has a house. 

She has a child. Why should he pay half of the food and utilities? That's too much given this is a pretty new relationship and he has a house he needs to keep utilities running on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you ever been to/inside his house? Does anyone else live there besides him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Her house is paid off. He also has a house.
> 
> She has a child. Why should he pay half of the food and utilities? That's too much given this is a pretty new relationship and he has a house he needs to keep utilities running on.


If he's eating all his meals at her house, he probably should pitch in about 1/3 of grocery bill.

Maybe she could compare her current utility bills to those a year ago and see how much they have increased if at all. While he probably does still have utilities on at his house, he's not there to run up the bill much so he's most likely saving money not living in his own place.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> She says he eats very little snd fiends very little on himself. So how much does he eat? How much electricity does he use?
> Why not just tell him a particular amount you want him to pay so you won’t feel used and abused. I suspect he would be glad to.
> But stop the covert contract stuff.


She didn't really have a covert contract. She told him about the stocking. We aren't sure if she made it plain it was his job to put the stuff in the stocking.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sincerelyme said:


> I just don’t want to be taken advantage of financially because my previous boyfriend did that.


This is the baggage that everyone brings into a relationship.
You brought your old boyfriend relationship dislikes into the new relationship.

That is not to say the guy should be more generous with you.
He should.

He gets a place to stay, he gets fed, his utilities and grocery bills are lessened.... and, he gets laid..

Uh, he needs to carry his own weight.

I do not think he is a ****, more that he is just too, self absorbed and not well socialized (well mannered!).

I think _considerate_ might be the word I am searching for....

He does not self reflect much, and is just living on the surface?

When you discus this with him, do so calmly, and quietly, citing examples.






_Lilith-_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> She didn't really have a covert contract. She told him about the stocking. We aren't sure if she made it plain *it was his job to put the stuff in the stocking.*


if this guy is such a wuss that he follows orders to stuff her stocking and follows them…..
Wait…ok he definitely hasn’t been stuffing her stocking right or we wouldn’t be discussing all this…….

so I stand corrected 😋


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Be careful with your responses. I’m still here. Thanks for the kind ones. I appreciate them. Take care.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

How do I delete my profile? Some of this advice is horrible.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sincerelyme said:


> How do I delete my profile? Some of this advice is horrible.


I hope I gave you good advice. I did try.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> How do I delete my profile? Some of this advice is horrible.


If you're still here .... yes, you need to not take to heart everything everyone says. Decide what you'll let in.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sincerelyme said:


> How do I delete my profile? Some of this advice is horrible.


You can't. You can put the smart alecks on ignore. 

Yeah, de boys gonna be boys 'cause boys be dumb routine gets old.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Sincerelyme said:


> How do I delete my profile? Some of this advice is horrible.


Just ignore the advice you deem unacceptable. My very first thought was that you were being petty about the stocking, but then the other stuff came out. 
He may or may not be intentionally leeching off you. He may not have intended on it, but soon realized that he is, and just runs with it because you seem to be ok with it (by not mentioning it). 
For me, six months is too soon to effectively move in together, especially since he has his own house and you have a daughter. If you were only each renting, I could see cohabitation as an option, which would also save money.

I think he shouldn't have to pay rent, but he should be offering a fair contribution to groceries and utilities, as well as any maintenance he would be capable of. 
Bringing this up will likely cause tensions, because it seems he's not the kind of guy that will on his own. 

Have him move back to his place, he doesn't seem like a "partner" who brings anything to the table.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


jonty30 said:



I hope I gave you good advice. I did try.

Click to expand...

*That's what they usually say and do when you don't tell them what they DON'T want to hear.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sincerelyme said:


> *How do I delete my profile? Some of this advice is horrible.*


I'm guessing we didn't tell you what you want to hear. 🙄 🙄 🙄


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm guessing we didn't tell you what you want to hear. 🙄 🙄 🙄


What is it that she wanted to hear, I wonder? 

That he was evil for not filling a stocking? 🤷


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*OP deleted first post. This thread is now closed.*


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