# Yes, I did it.... get over it!



## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

I cheated on my husband before we were married, and he knows about it. I admited to it, and then we supposivly moved on. Got married and was 9 months pregnant when the next thing I know i get a text message from a friend on my birthday. my husband accused me of cheating on him , 9 months pregnant, on my birthday, in a crowded movie theater.... i was and still am mortified.  i havent thought about another man since my marriage... and wouldnt even think of cheating, because i dont want to hurt my husband or ruin my family. he has to stop making me feel guilty about something that he said he forgave me for. it makes me not want to trust him with anything anymore... just because he wont give me sex doesnt mean that i am going to just find someone to replace him with. just means that i will be more lonely and horny, eventually i'll get over it i guess.

does anyone else have this problem too???? how did you get over it?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Who's baby is it?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wow "Yes, I did it....get over it! Yes, he threw it back up in your face..... get over it! 

Was the friend a guy? Was it the guy that you cheated on him with? 

I guess somewhere, somehow you came up with the screwy idea that we actually have control over the pain in our lives. 

Guess what! You don't get to have male friends until he feels secure that you won't spread your legs for them. That's what you signed on for when you decided to get married to him after betraying him.

How long ago did you get married?


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

why won't he give you sex?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think your attitude isn't fair to him. He has obviously suffered a lot of trauma and he *hasn't* gotten over it. So be constructive and stop acting like you didn't harm him in a big way. You should suggest therapy for him so that he can decide if HE wants to continue in this marriage. And you should go to figure out why you did what you did to him.

So he said he forgave you. He didn't. That's your reality.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I have to agree, with Initfortheduration and Dobo, as these actions take some strange twists and turns. It is a bit like the old saying: "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime." which is a "hip" expression of the 1960's-70's that advises you not to do something risky unless you are willing and able to accept the full weight of the consequences. ~ Urban Dictionary


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Unfortunately as the cheater you don't get to decide when he has to "get over it".

But - he can't say that he forgives you and then continue to use it as ammunition against you. Either he has forgiven you or he hasn't. I'm not saying he has to forget - no way he could. But forgiving someone means you forgive the whole thing and you don't use it to punish the other person with. He may not truly be to that point yet.

I think you 2 need to go to counseling. It is very easy for someone to say the word forgive and another thing to truly mean it. I think you need to go into counseling to figure out why you cheated in the first place and to build better communication between the 2 of you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Forgiveness and trust are 2 different things. He obviously forgave you, as he went on to marry you. On the other hand, trust was broken and it doesn't magically mend itself when one decides to forgive.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Swedish, I have to disagree. He may have pushed aside his doubts but he never forgave. He's now using what she did as a weapon against her. He feels he has the upper hand and he uses it. That's not forgiveness and that's not love. 

I agree about trust though. He's going to question a lot about her over the years. That's the reality. Even if he never utters a word, he'll never completely trust her.

But he still needs to work through his upset and his anger and get constructive. Or else he might as well say he made a mistake in marrying her because he just cannot get over what happened.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Wow "Yes I did it .... get over it!" I hope you haven't said that to him. If my H said that to me, I'd be posting here about how I was moving on. That is one thing I never will tolerate from him. Do you think your H doesn't want to get over it? Do you think he wants to hang on to that pain? Forgiveness happens in stages but that doesn't mean trust is instant. You earn trust. Sounds like you have not been married very long. 

I'm curious why he was not with you on your birthday, was he away or working? Why did he suddenly think you were cheating on him? There is a lot here that we don't know so hard to give you advice, if that is what you are seeking.

Just because he forgave you doesn't me he can't ever discuss it, it can't be a taboo subject. But he need not be accusatory. What went in to why he was thinking this way? Discuss it with him but do so understanding he is hurt and has doubt. Tell him that he can ask questions but not to accuse, that is hurtful and doesn't help either of you. 

But first you have to change your attitude "get over it" won't fly. Do you want to be with him? Does it hurt you that he is hurting? If yes, never say those words again. Your throwing up a challenge to him and its likely to backfire on you.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

When you have been cheated on it is VERY HARD to get the painful thoughts out of your head. Give him a break...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

dobo said:


> Swedish, I have to disagree. He may have pushed aside his doubts but he never forgave. He's now using what she did as a weapon against her. He feels he has the upper hand and he uses it. That's not forgiveness and that's not love.
> 
> I agree about trust though. He's going to question a lot about her over the years. That's the reality. Even if he never utters a word, he'll never completely trust her.
> 
> But he still needs to work through his upset and his anger and get constructive. Or else he might as well say he made a mistake in marrying her because he just cannot get over what happened.


I agree that using it as a weapon would indicate that he has not forgiven. I guess I did not see it that way...I would consider throwing it back in her face everytime they argued, 'well, you slept with so-and-so' as using it as a weapon, but if he heard the phone go off and it brought back some anxious feelings, it may be that he is still working through the trust thing...

I agree with AZMOM ... the 'get over it' attitude is the worst way to respond.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ain't that the truth!!


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

Just a quick thought, I heard that being told to 'get over it' by the person who hurt you is the equivalent of them presenting you with a sh!t sandwich and then asking you to hurry up and eat it, because they can't stand the smell.

Forgiveness is a process that is earned by the person wanting it. Many people forget that. They think it's the victim's job to forgive. Why should they do all the work? They didn't screw it up in the first place. Also, forgiveness doesn't mean that the trust bank goes back up to full. 

A great book, even has a section of self-forgiveness is: How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To By Janis Spring. It is helping me a lot.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

hideandseek said:


> Just a quick thought, I heard that being told to 'get over it' by the person who hurt you is the equivalent of them presenting you with a sh!t sandwich and then asking you to hurry up and eat it, because they can't stand the smell.


:rofl:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your a cheater, he wont trust you for a long time. if you love him you should feel very fortunate he stuck around


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Hideandseek, now that is a great analogy! :smthumbup:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I wonder how much this cheating has to do with your complaint in June about not having sex. I wonder if he has had a checkup to see if he's depressed. You may not realize what your cheating has really done to him. He may not even realize it.


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Who's baby is it?


his baby, there is no doubt in my mind, as i was with no one else for many years before that, 100% loyal since LONG before marriage


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Wow "Yes, I did it....get over it! Yes, he threw it back up in your face..... get over it!
> 
> Was the friend a guy? Was it the guy that you cheated on him with?
> 
> ...



Whoa! I dont get to have ANY friends, and he throws my make in my face EVERYCHANCE he gets.... its not like its a one time thing him using that excuse, its everytime. 

what i'm trying to say, and i think people dont understand is if you say you forgive someone you should bring it up everychance you get. especially when i have done nothing to bring on more accusations...


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

He may have told you he forgave you before he was really able to. You are right, if he is throwing it in your face all the time he hasn't forgiven you. What most peope mean when they give forgiveness in this situation is "I'm not ready to leave you for this right now." Noone can know in advance if infidelity is someting they can live with. You both have to ask yourselves if the relationship can still work with the hurt feelings. If your marriage is important, give it some time.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You don't get to have MALE friends. Is that a big sacrifice for you? Knowing that you having male friends will trigger the memories and cause new pain. When he said he forgave you, did he say that he will not feel pain about it in the future. Remember you made the mess. If the mess is to big just divorce him.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

your kidding right?? I did it get over it! wow hahahaha you are awesome. Why did he marry you? I wouldnt have expecially if you cheated BEFORE the marriage big sign your a ______ fill in the blank! but seriously you did it and you have to know that it will be talked about of course ppl say OH I am over it BUT they are never realllly over it. you cheated broke his heart you think that you cant trust him. you have issues.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Gomez said:


> Noone can know in advance if infidelity is someting they can live with.


I may be finding out, 3 years after saying I would try and forgive him, that I cannot. I still live with the knowledge that he is capable of any lie or betrayal.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

"get over it?" you telling him what to do" perfect. i did it, it's done. get over it? 

i can't get over it. it was a big fat bomb that dropped in my peaceful world. it changed everything that i know. God help me "get over it."

i'm just thinking for him.


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## MariaBella (Oct 6, 2009)

Some people really believe the saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't believe this is true, and it seems that you have been faithful in your marriage. What came before does count, but it's time to move past it. Your husband must have trusted you enough to marry you, even knowing what you did. He has to stop using it as a weapon and you have to be totally transparent, especially in your frienships with other men. It takes lots of time--years, for some people--to be able to live with infidelity. Sadly, some people are never able to get past it and the marriage has to end. I wish you luck.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Trying not to be judgemental here but wow that is a bad attitude to carry around in any relationship. It will be the demise of your relationships in life. Maybe remorse isn't something that you feel for what happened. How would it be for you if it were him that had the affair on you previously?

I'm going to guess his lack of desire towards you is because of what you did in the past and how it still is eating him up inside. Regardless of how long ago it happened. It sounds like the communication in your relationship has broken down. If your going to have a chance to fix any of this, you need to fix that. He needs to know it will never happen again. He needs to see it in your actions, even though I am sure you probably feel you are demonstrating that. I would bet that your communications between each other probably are always difficult. If he makes a comment towards you about that past issue, how do you react? What do you say and how do you say it? Do you verbally attack him, are you defensive, do you lash out at him for this insecurity he now has because of the unfaithfulness? 

Do you keep guy friends and defend it as your right to have them? Even though it shouldn't be an issue having them, they probably are to him. Does he have the okay to go onto your facebook, myspace, or emails to see who and how you are interacting with others to give him some peace of mind?

I don't believe in controlling anyone in a relationship but your rules changed somewhat when that affair occured. To be honest, the two of you probably should have went your seperate ways when that happened because that damage isn't very easy to fix and sure as heck got your marriage off on the wrong track before even saying I do.


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> You don't get to have MALE friends. Is that a big sacrifice for you? Knowing that you having male friends will trigger the memories and cause new pain. When he said he forgave you, did he say that he will not feel pain about it in the future. Remember you made the mess. If the mess is to big just divorce him.


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh as i said before he doesnt let me have ANY friends, male or female....

and yes it is a big sacrifice!


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

lorithehun said:


> I may be finding out, 3 years after saying I would try and forgive him, that I cannot. I still live with the knowledge that he is capable of any lie or betrayal.


cheaters arent the only ones who lie,....


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

MariaBella said:


> Some people really believe the saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't believe this is true, and it seems that you have been faithful in your marriage. What came before does count, but it's time to move past it. Your husband must have trusted you enough to marry you, even knowing what you did. He has to stop using it as a weapon and you have to be totally transparent, especially in your frienships with other men. It takes lots of time--years, for some people--to be able to live with infidelity. Sadly, some people are never able to get past it and the marriage has to end. I wish you luck.


finally someone who gets it.... and you hit the nail on the head, he uses it as a weapon... that hurts. thanks for understanding me and not bashing me like others....  i thought this was a place for therapy and understanding, and some people dont treat it that way. they see that i cheated and that is all the care about. i'm not a bad person. i did it, i admited it. i could have lied or covered it up, or any number of things but i didnt. im a good person.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

People make mistakes. He said he would stick it out with you and you said you wouldn't make that mistake again. Sit down with him somewhere where you won't get interrupted and have a talk with him about this. Use a counselor if you (or he) can't talk about this calmly. You both need to come to an agreement about how things are going to work for the rest of your lives. Good luck!

PS...didn't you read any of the other posts before you posted on this website?? Not the best place to look for sympathy when you're the cheating half, but I still hope things work out..you seem sincere.


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

New Beginnings said:


> Trying not to be judgemental here but wow that is a bad attitude to carry around in any relationship. It will be the demise of your relationships in life. Maybe remorse isn't something that you feel for what happened. How would it be for you if it were him that had the affair on you previously?
> 
> I'm going to guess his lack of desire towards you is because of what you did in the past and how it still is eating him up inside. Regardless of how long ago it happened. It sounds like the communication in your relationship has broken down. If your going to have a chance to fix any of this, you need to fix that. He needs to know it will never happen again. He needs to see it in your actions, even though I am sure you probably feel you are demonstrating that. I would bet that your communications between each other probably are always difficult. If he makes a comment towards you about that past issue, how do you react? What do you say and how do you say it? Do you verbally attack him, are you defensive, do you lash out at him for this insecurity he now has because of the unfaithfulness?
> 
> ...


you dont get it do you. he married me after this happened. we have a son. he uses the one mistake i made as a weapon to hurt me whenever he feels like it. i dont do anything to make him suspicios. i love him, and i wouldnt do that again. i have nothing to hide... he has complete access to my life, online, and offline. i have NO friends, male or female, because i have to spend my time at home with him so that he knows what i am doing.


I WANT MY LIFE BACK. IM NOT A BAD PERSON PEOPLE!!


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

Deb1234 said:


> PS...didn't you read any of the other posts before you posted on this website?? Not the best place to look for sympathy when you're the cheating half, but I still hope things work out..you seem sincere.



no, i wish i had... these people dont care. its suposed to be for therapy and support. i'm gonna fire my counselor for suggesting this stupid place.

thanks for caring... i appreciate it.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

We certainly get that you feel upset. But we're trying to tell you that the attitude doesn't help. Since he hasn't gotten over the affair, that's what you have to deal with. He needs to recognize he hasn't and he has to decide whether he can continue in the same manner. But for you to say "get over it" is really unloving. Of course everyone wants to be forgiven and wants the other person to get over whatever harm they have experienced. But to be so pissed off about it, well, that denies the great harm you have caused. It pretty much removes any remorse and is like you're not sorry at all. That's where you are erring and that's what people are upset about.

He's still upset. You complained about your sex life and this is probably related. He hasn't recovered. And now recognizing this, how are you going to approach him? You can't demand he get over it. But you can tell him that you cannot live with him without his forgiveness because it is making you into a prisoner. You can ask him what he needs to feel safe and secure that is *reasonable.* And, you can get him into therapy to see if he can find a more constructive way to deal with his pain and fears.

You may be a good person but you're looking at this in a very unhelpful way. You need to reframe.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

shackles said:


> i love him, and i wouldnt do that again. i have nothing to hide...


now you understand the notion of trust. his trust for you has been shaken, wrongfully or not.



shackles said:


> I WANT MY LIFE BACK. IM NOT A BAD PERSON PEOPLE!!


"your life?" what do you "want back?"


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

We do care, especially I think, since so many of us have been there one way or another. Sit down with him and ask what you can do to help him trust you again...and then do it. It will take a long time to get that trust back, but if you are going to make this work, you have to have patience.


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