# How to grieve 3 years after his affair



## lost inside (Oct 23, 2012)

I feel like I'm going crazy. It's been three years since my husband cheated and I can't let it go. We had seperated because he was unhappy. A few days later he is sleeping around with other women and filed for divorce. I was devastated because I thought he had more respect for me and that he would at least wait for a divorce to be final before sleeping around. THough he did not cheat prior to our separation I do consider what he did cheating because we never divorced. Anyways, the next week I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I'd hoped that would bring him home but that didn't happen for another few months. So while he "played around" I tried to be strong for the daughter we already had and to be strong for the baby inside me. 

After a few months he came back and wanted to work on our marriage. I loved him and missed him so much so I let him back. Even though my intuition had told me to finalize the divorce that "he wanted" since we had already paid for the whole thing and been through the entire divorce process. FYI, you can't divorce (at least in MO) if you are pregnant. That if I did finalize and things worked out we could always remarry. I didn't do that though, I let him back. 

He did a complete 180 and has done everything above and beyond what I asked him to do to regain my trust. So why now? Why am I a complete wreck over this? I wonder if maybe it's because at the time I didn't really grieve my loss. I felt I had to push it down to stay strong for my baby. He at one point told me I should date around so I could gain some perspective. REALLY!? What kind of guy wants to date a pregant woman in the middle of a divorce? I didn't because I couldn't bare to risk my baby's safety just because I wanted to be spiteful and hurt him. I also knew if I did, he would never be able to look at me the same way again. Although I can't look at him the same anymore either. 

So I didn't deal with it during pregancy, he came back, baby arrived and I was occupied with that and still didn't grieve over what had just happened. So now it's 3 years later and I'm such a mess about it I don't know what to do. I'm really depressed and angry all the time. It's affecting everything in my life and i don't want that. I don't want to lose him but I feel so lost inside. Like he broke my heart and I can't put it back together because he gave away a piece of me. Constantly questioning (in my head) wheather he really loves me or if it was just easier. Feelings of being unworthy and unattractive. Dettached from myself, my marriage and life in general. Am I just now grieving or is this something else? Because it's been so long since it happened and he's changed I feel like this is my burden and I can't talk to him about it. That I can't hang it over his head for the rest of our lives if I truely want to move on. 

I have contimplated divorce because I'm terrified of feeling this way for the rest of my life. Then the realization that the pain and hurt won't go away just because we aren't married anymore sets in. I feel like I am sabotaging my own reconcilitation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It isn't that you didn't grieve, it's that you swept the whole thing under the rug and pretended it never happened.

Did the two of you ever even talk about whether you would sleep around during the separation or did you assume that was the case?

Very specific things MUST happen if a couple is to overcome infidelity. most of which are on the shoulders of the WS. You don't mention them.

Sounds to me like your husband left you as an excuse to sleep around then came back when he didn't find anything else. 

You two need IC and, maybe, MC, if the IC helps. And you need to do a WHOLE lot of reading about recovering from infidelity. Start with the newbie link in my sig.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lost inside,

I'm sorry to hear your story. I can relate somewhat though it's only been a year for me. I still have doubts that reconciling was the right thing to do for me, even though my wife has been great to me through the process.

Perhaps you're having trouble healing because even as good as he's been to you, you're not seeing true remorse from him. So my question to you - does he still own up to what he did?, can you still talk to him without him being upset with you? Does he prefer to rugsweep?Tell him how you feel and watch his reaction to see if he is still truly remorseful. I'm convinced that is something you have to see from a CS in order to heal. If he's not, you'll know. If he wants to be but doesn't know how, help him by telling him what you need.

I don't think a betrayed spouse can or should ever guarantee they'll never change their mind about staying. I tell my wife I'm taking it day by day and "hope" that we'll always want to be together. No one can say that you didn't give R your best efforts, especially after 3 years. 

I hope you get your answers and that they are what you need. 

Best of luck.


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## lost inside (Oct 23, 2012)

Ouch! Plan B  I didn't mention the things we did to reconcile because the story was so long. We did MC and like I said, he's done a complete 180. Believe me I didn't sweep it under the rug. Our divorce was horribly nasty in the first few months. We talked about till I was blue in the face. No we never discussed sleeping with other people while separated at least not in the begining That's not something I wanted to believe he would do. Once the anger settled and we could actually talk without our lawyers present was when he told me I should date other people. 

I didn't because I held out hope that he would come back. I knew him well enough and he's a very jealous man. If I had slept around he would have never came back. Instead he would have tried to use that reason in court to take the kids...."oh she's sleeping around and jeopardizing our baby" type of thing. 

Sweep in under the rug I did not. I started moving on and getting my life back together while this was happening. While he moved in with his parents and lost his job. Stayed out all night partying and flaunting it all over our small town where I have many professional clients. I moved into a new place and had a great job and a lot of support. He ended up in AA.

Maybe grieve is a poor chice of words. I guess it's my head playing tricks on me. I guess it's more of an emotional after shock.


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## lost inside (Oct 23, 2012)

That is a very good reminder....day by day. Thank you for that. it is something I did in the beginning and have forgotten to do now.

As for my husband, he is very forthcoming with whatever questions I asked and still ask from time to time. He has shown much remorse. He still tells me I can ask or say whatever I need to, to help me through this. At some point it seemed like I had to stop talking about it. Not because he wanted me too but because it started to feel like I was the problem. Saying I had moved on and feel good for a while and then BAM another roller coaster of emotions and I'm back to second guessing myself.


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