# My husband doesn't want me anymore



## fedupwife (Jul 28, 2011)

Well....where to begin. my husband and I have been married for 4.5 years. In the beginning our sex life was TOP notch and then I got pregnant for my son and he wanted nothing to do with me. i lost all of the weight after i had my son and got back in great shape. I got pregnant for my daughter and the same thing happened. Now i am pregnant for our last baby. i know he isn't into pregnant women but he also isn't into me when I am not pregnant. No matter what I do to attract him. He doesn't even notice me anymore. His typical excuse is i am in a funk but he will look at porn and take care of himself. Now in the past week he was talking to his mother infront of me and he compared his feelings to..."It is like having pizza everyday and occasionally you want a steak" i guess I am pizza. His words cut me so deeply. why did he even marry me!!! Sex isn't just about sex it is about showing your love for each other! He can't even do that.
I know that I am attractive and I have been hit on by other men. He doesn't want me anymore. He also told his mother he doesn't look at me the same way he did when we first met. He isn't affectionate and we are living like roommates. I am starting to feel so alone and deprived. I am a stay at home mom and we have two little ones and one more on the way. i am also running a daycare out of my home. 
I want to tell him I want a seperation just so he can go out and get his STEAK but i am going to get mine too. I feel so angry and hurt. He is making me feel unattractive and very undesirerable!!! I feel like I should find someone else just to validate the fact that I am attractive and worth someones time. Whenever we are out in public he is eyeballing everything that walks by. My selfesteem is in the toilette. I feel like I am the ugliest person in the world. The hardest thing for me is he refuses to talk to me about any of this! Not too mention the one person that matters the most doesn't like me. we have had sex two times in the last three months. i am not fat nor am I ugly. Although he makes me feel that way. i am 5'7 and I weigh 136 when i am not pregnant. I work out and I try to take care of myself and our little ones and him.
He swears he is faithful and not talking to anyone else but I really don't believe him anymore. Part of me wants to just crawl into a hole a die. I made a commitment and I want to stick to it but it is so hard when he really doesn't care about me at all anymore. I cry everyday!!!!!! he is causing so much pain. I look at him and I want to scream and hit him. I want him to realize what he has right here infront of him. 
Please help I need some advice. i feel like I can't cope anymore.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

So sorry you're going through this! and with little ones and a baby on the way. I also found it kind of weird that he talks to his mom that way.

my H rejected me for porn for a few years and I did smack him upside the head...as well as carved "jacka**" on his car, smashed his video console, and went on online dating sites, which I had to actually show him I was on there since he would have never looked himself... My H and i fought like cats and dogs. it got pretty ugly. so ya, i have been there. I became a very angry, bitter person with zero self-esteem, which im still recovering from. 

My H said the reason he changed was because he thought I was going to leave him. But i don't buy that. I threatened to leave so many times but every time I came back and he never even had to ask me to come back. I think he changed because after awhile I stopped showing my anger and started showing how much he was hurting me, and I think he really wanted to change. I think that is what it really boils down to- if your spouse really does want to change.


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## sdicharry54 (Aug 1, 2011)

Are we living the same life? I know exactly how you feel. What your typed is the exact thing I am going thru with my husband, We have been married 5 years... have 3 kids, and each time I was pregnant He was disgusted by me, In the past year we hardly ever talk, It hurts terrribly knowing there are guys out there that think you are beautiful, and your husband doesnt even tell you your beautiful or make you feel wanted.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is addicted to porn and he needs to stop viewing it. You also need counseling.

You need to have a serious talk to him and lay it all out on the table. Let him know you can't stay in a marriage like this and will leave. If you can't do that and mean it, I believe he will just continue with his behaviour and your marriage will end one way or the other.


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## nakhoa (Aug 1, 2011)

You should see at length in your relationship. Usually, the sex desires will disappear if there is no love then.


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## LeiaLove (Jul 31, 2011)

This sounds horrible. I am terribly sorry you are going through this.  To me, marriage is more than the ooey gooey love feelings. It's more than something to purely make me happy. The vows say, "until death do us part", not "until you stop making me happy".

Even though I say that, I know the pain you're feeling. My husband and I haven't gotten to this point, but I can understand him not wanting you. It is extremely painful. It makes me want to pull away, go out, dress up, make all the other boys jealous, but that does nothing but tare the relationship apart. 

It seems like you want it to work out, if not for yourself, maybe for your children? I agree with Syrum, he is addicted to porn. In my opinion, porn is adultery. He is imagining himself with someone else and men's imaginations are vivid. I think getting the porn out of the picture, forever, is the first step. That may require counseling. The fact that he won't talk about it though, means he either doesn't see how badly it hurts you, or he is done caring about the relationship. You need to make him get serious. SHOW him your pain, SHOW him that you can't live like this forever, and make him commit to making it better. If he refuses to improve the situation by any means necessary, sadly, it might be over. I don't say that lightly. I would never get a divorce unless my husband was cheating on me, but like you said, you don't even believe he isn't cheating on you anymore. 

It's true that staying and working through problems is the right thing to do, and is usually good for you children, but if it's only you working 24/7 then that is not good for you children. Not only will you have self-esteem issues, they will as well. 

I hope and pray that he will come around. Good luck. Keep me updated.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sometimes men are turned off by the mother of their children because their wife is now a mother.

I don't know how all that happens, but it can.  I suggest a sex therapist.


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## dbg19891 (Aug 3, 2011)

Amazing. I have actually lived through the opposite for years. 5 kids. My wife all over me for months until she conceived, then ZERO, NADA, zip for 9 mos. of pregnancy, 3-6 months post partum, etc. So, I am a spermbank and good for nothing else aside from $ according to her. I never gave one thought to whether she was 109 hot lbs or 139 pregnant lbs. Either way, I wanted to be WITH her in that way and after the fact I'm not wanted. 
It's tough. I know.


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

Syrum said:


> He is addicted to porn and he needs to stop viewing it.


Just because he prefers to watch porn doesn't mean he's addicted. Obviously there's some kind of major issue if he prefers porn over his wife, but it's unlikely that it started with watching porn.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The first thing you need to do is rule out the possibility of an affair. Check his email/Facebook/cell phone. Is he calling one number too much? Does he have late nights at work or out of the house?

Assuming he's not cheating on you, then he may just be losing desire for you. The standard advice for sparking desire in your spouse is to change yourself. Yes, your husband may have the problem, but you are only in control of yourself.

You have said that weight is not an issue. Given that you're pregnant, you can't really lose weight if it were. Do you take care of yourself in other ways? Do you only wear makeup in public and at home you're natural? Do you save your flattering clothes for public and you're in overalls at home? Do you sleep in flannel pajamas or slinky teddies?

If you look good at home as well as in public, then maybe change the act of sex itself. Is sex between you the same old same old? If so, try to spice it up. Maybe throw in a position/act from some of his porn. Maybe try role playing or something like that.

If you've been down those roads before, try frank communication/counseling. Tell him that you're very hurt and angry from his rejections. If you're contemplating divorce, tell him that. Don't make a false threat, but tell him the state of your emotions.

If that doesn't work, do the 180. This is where you change your behavior 180 degrees from what you've done in the past. If you've spent your time begging him to change and reassuring him that you would always be there for him, do the opposite. Act cool. Prepare yourself for a new life without him. If you are sincerely considering divorce, you will need to prepare yourself emotionally for it.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

A welcome side effect that sometimes happens with the 180 is that the other spouse gets a glimpse of the future and realizes that you may not need him as much as he thinks. Then he starts to fight for the marriage.

Good luck.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

sdicharry54 said:


> Are we living the same life? I know exactly how you feel. What your typed is the exact thing I am going thru with my husband, We have been married 5 years... have 3 kids, and each time I was pregnant He was disgusted by me, In the past year we hardly ever talk, It hurts terrribly *knowing there are guys out there that think you are beautiful*, and your husband doesnt even tell you your beautiful or make you feel wanted.


All people in this situation need to remember this.

A marriage is a deal. It's a two way street. If someone isn't living up to their part of the bargain, then get a better deal.

That's extremely simple and ignores kids and everything else, and I understand how tough it is to change, since I've been driving the one way marriage road for years, but I also control my life, finances, and myself. I'm not being treated bad.

I think everyone needs to have certain lines in the sand that should not be crossed. If your partner makes you miserable, especially while you are bearing his children, he needs to get booted and begin paying massive child support while you find another.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

that_girl said:


> Sometimes men are turned off by the mother of their children because their wife is now a mother.
> 
> I don't know how all that happens, but it can.  I suggest a sex therapist.


exactly, men often fall to the very bottom of the priority list, its just natural. it takes some time for most men to adjust to their sudden new position in the family, some men never do


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's a list? I don't think I'm even on the list.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> There's a list? I don't think I'm even on the list.


thats the point


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## fedupwife (Jul 28, 2011)

Honestly, i have tried everything to get him to notice me!!! Hair make up outfits and he isn't interested in me at all. When i am not pregnant I do work out and I am in good shape. I really don't think there is anything that we haven't done sexually short of bringing another person into it and I am against that. i have tried talking to him and I wrote him an email and his response is he likes porn and he likes to watch it by himself. He doesn't want me involved in that. He says he is 100% faithful. 
He just doesn't want me anymore I guess....i am trying so hard to act cold to him but it is hard when my heart aches for his touch. It is almost like he doesn't care anymore. He has mentioned before that he doesn't want it with me because I want it all the time. He doesn't have to work for it...UGH! So a female is being punished for wanting sex! Go figure! I am trying hard to salvage a marriage that I feel is falling apart but my husband thinks it is normal for our relationship to take a back seat to EVERYTHING else in our lives. I am tired of knowing that everyday he takes care of himself while looking at porn and meanwhile he wants NOTHING to do with me! I do feel he is addicted to it but he would never admit it nor would he go for help. I am not sure what to do at this point. I am starting to feel like maybe there is someone out there that would find me attractive and want to be with me. Maybe someone would think that a warm body is better than a cold computer screen.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

fedupwife said:


> He says he is 100% faithful.


I hope he is. But if he isn't, he certainly wouldn't tell you. You need to verify that he is.



fedupwife said:


> He has mentioned before that he doesn't want it with me because I want it all the time. He doesn't have to work for it...UGH!


AHA! Let's take him at his word. He wants you to back off so that he can pursue you. Have you tried that?

Most men would love for their wives to initiate more, but there are some guys out there who feel emasculated when their wives are always the one to get the ball rolling.

If you back off and he doesn't pick up the slack on pursuing you, then tell him what you're doing. Tell him that you are giving him space to make his move. If he still doesn't, then you need counseling.

A good counselor can discuss the issues at hand without making either one of you feel defensive.

Good luck.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

fedupwife said:


> Honestly, i have tried everything to get him to notice me!!! Hair make up outfits and he isn't interested in me at all. When i am not pregnant I do work out and I am in good shape. I really don't think there is anything that we haven't done sexually short of bringing another person into it and I am against that. i have tried talking to him and I wrote him an email and his response is he likes porn and he likes to watch it by himself. He doesn't want me involved in that. He says he is 100% faithful.
> He just doesn't want me anymore I guess....i am trying so hard to act cold to him but it is hard when my heart aches for his touch. It is almost like he doesn't care anymore. He has mentioned before that he doesn't want it with me because I want it all the time. He doesn't have to work for it...UGH! So a female is being punished for wanting sex! Go figure! I am trying hard to salvage a marriage that I feel is falling apart but my husband thinks it is normal for our relationship to take a back seat to EVERYTHING else in our lives. I am tired of knowing that everyday he takes care of himself while looking at porn and meanwhile he wants NOTHING to do with me! I do feel he is addicted to it but he would never admit it nor would he go for help. I am not sure what to do at this point. I am starting to feel like maybe there is someone out there that would find me attractive and want to be with me. Maybe someone would think that a warm body is better than a cold computer screen.


Reading posts like this make me hurt. Since learning my husband has for years actually PREFERRED porn to me (a concept I can't wrap my head around), now when I read about other women going through the same thing, it breaks my heart. It's not because of your pregnant body. Maybe he doesn't like that and started watching porn, but he did not go back to you. Besides, I think that's a super lame excuse in the first place. You're not a body, you're his WIFE. 

I don't know why, but when some men get into porn, they would rather masturbate to it than to actually have sex. Some people on this form have said porn warps a man's interest/thoughts/expectations about sex. I don't know but I agree that it has to go and he has to want to try to fix the intimacy between you. Otherwise, you and the kids will have a very hard road ahead.


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## fedupwife (Jul 28, 2011)

I am trying the 180 thing and it is killing me!! It is making me hurt even more. My husband just left for drill weekend in another state and i didn't kiss him goodbye and I didn't say i love you. It makes me feel like i am dying inside. there are a million things running through my mind ex: what if he gets in an accident and I didn't tell him I loved him what if he meets someone else and he thinks I am done with him. I am really aching for his love. Why does everything have to be so complicated and hurtful. Am I doing the right thing????????


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

fedupwife said:


> I am trying the 180 thing and it is killing me!! It is making me hurt even more. My husband just left for drill weekend in another state and i didn't kiss him goodbye and I didn't say i love you. It makes me feel like i am dying inside. there are a million things running through my mind ex: what if he gets in an accident and I didn't tell him I loved him what if he meets someone else and he thinks I am done with him. I am really aching for his love. Why does everything have to be so complicated and hurtful. Am I doing the right thing????????


The 180 does not require secrecy. You can tell him exactly what you're doing. Tell him that his actions have communicated to you that you are not very important to him. Therefore, you have decided to deprioritize him. Search for some threads here on "thermostat". Basically, you're looking to equalize your effort with his. If your husband wants you to put a lot of effort into your relationship, then he needs to put a lot of effort in. If he's unwilling to put much effort in, then he knows you will scale back your effort as well. The only thing you should NOT tell him is that this is a temporary effort to shock him into changing his behavior. If he believes that, he may try to wait you out without changing his behavior.

When your actions match your words, he may understand the seriousness of the situation.


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## ILoveStars (May 29, 2011)

First of all, I am so sorry you're going through this! This must be awful since you seem so happy and into your husband. Maybe you two should try to spend a weekend together and capture some magic. If not I would suggest you move on and try to find another man since you said he is constantly checking out other women. It's a shame when people lose interest in one another when they were so happy. My well wishes to you.


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## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

"He just doesn't want me anymore I guess....i am trying so hard to act cold to him but it is hard when my heart aches for his touch. It is almost like he doesn't care anymore. He has mentioned before that he doesn't want it with me because I want it all the time."

I watched this through a friends marriage. He did not feel adequate after the children. Didn't want sex from her and was looking at other woman behind her back. She held her head up high and let him know that there was other ways to please her self. She got vibrators and other sex toys and didn't even go to him anymore. He finally felt the same abandonment issues. I know this could backfire but it worked for her.


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

When a husband stops viewing his wife as his Queen things start to gradually slide. It doesn't happen overnight, it's a slow fade. Their mind and then their heart starts to wander... husbands out there, beware. If you don't wake up every morning and purpose in your heart to love your wife the very best you can that day, before long you will start experiencing the slow fade. Don't let anything come between your love and commitment to your wife. Give her what she needs and wants - take care of HER needs... compliment her beauty and let her know how much you desire her each day. The more attached to porn you get, the more detached your relationship with your wife will get... A computer screen has never reached out and given you a warm, secure embrace and whispered those words "I love you" into your ear making your pulse quicken and your heart melt. If you don't wake up soon, neither of those things will be happening again with the most wonderful gift you have ever been given... your wife.

Just know, fedupwife, that you are not the problem. Until he wakes up and sees the porn and his rejection of you as part of the problem nothing will change. If he is willing, I think it would be good if you guys could get some counseling. But if he is not willing to admit to his problems, it would be useless at this point... But there is much more going on in your relationship other than him not wanting sex... find the why's and start working on them one by one - anything in a marriage can be fixed if your heart and mind are committed to fixing it. All the best...


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## lonely12 (Oct 19, 2011)

I feel for you because I have been going through the exact same thing with my husband. It makes me feel so sad and lonely and unwanted.


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