# Wanting to work on it



## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

I want my marriage to work but I am becoming resentful because I make more money than my spouse. Does anyone else feel this way or have a similar situation? I would love advice on how to overcome these feelings and live a happy marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're skipping a lot of information. How did you meet? What were you two doing at the time? What were your goals? What did you each do to achieve those goals? Are there psychological differences between the two of you (go-getter vs. take-it easy, etc.)? Did either of you break promises you made? Were either of you lying to the other about who you were, to 'snag' the other person? Has one of you changed what your goals were midstream? Do you make joint decisions or work separately? You get the idea.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Why do you resent making more money than your spouse? Are you a woman who wanted a "traditional breadwinner?" Are your finances in bad shape? Is your spouse not pulling his/her weight? We need more info.


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

We're married and have a beautiful daughter. He's an amazing father to her and I love sharing our family together. When we met we had similar goals in life and I think we still share the same long term goals. He has always made less than me and has had some unfortunate life circumstances such as heart surgery and failed businesses. 

Currently my husband is working at a job that he does not enjoy. This is also putting some strains on the relationship. He has taken tests and what not to change his current work situation but starting anew means a low starting income. There isn't too much hope of a higher salary at this time. I know I did not marry a CEO who made hundreds of thousands each year. He's a great father and although we've had some ups and downs he's a good man. I love him. 

However, we are strapped for money and its worrying me. I'm becoming stressed as my daughter is getting older and we don't have much money left at the end of the month. I want to give and provide her with everything. I want her to take dance classes and swimming lessons and go to tennis camp. 

My salary is decent; I'm very fortunate to work at a job that I enjoy and bring home good pay. I own my house and have retirement funds established. My husband doesn't have this like I do. Again, yes I was aware his income was less but foolishly I didn't prepare myself for the impact that it would have on us for the future. Naively I didn't think about these things when we dated so now I find myself angry. 

As I'm writing this, (its very therapeutic,) I'm realizing I think I am angry at myself for 'allowing' this to happen and I'm taking it out on him.


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Why do you resent making more money than your spouse? Are you a woman who wanted a "traditional breadwinner?" Are your finances in bad shape? Is your spouse not pulling his/her weight? We need more info.


Unfortunately, I don't think I thought about it enough. Our finances could be better, we are getting by. I think I'm angry at my husband because I find him to not be "pulling his weight" as you put it. But financially not much has changed for him, so why am I so angry now??( I'm asking myself that question.)

Thanks for the reply. I have a lot to think about and am glad I came on here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Allontime said:


> I want to give and provide her with everything. I want her to take dance classes and swimming lessons and go to tennis camp.


Husband issue aside, I want to point out that 'providing' all these things to your daughter doesn't make you a good mom. 

When DD23 was about 10, my mom told me to stop. Just stop. Stop putting her in all these classes. Stop buying her stuff. Just stop. At the time, I was a bit offended. A couple years later, I got it. And stopped. DD23 has thanked me a dozen times, for stepping back.

I don't know you, but my first instinct is to tell you that you may want to get some outside advice on whether you are really 'helping' your daughter by needing to 'provide' for her in this way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Allontime said:


> Unfortunately, I don't think I thought about it enough. Our finances could be better, we are getting by. I think I'm angry at my husband because I find him to not be "pulling his weight" as you put it. But financially not much has changed for him, so why am I so angry now??( I'm asking myself that question.)
> 
> Thanks for the reply. I have a lot to think about and am glad I came on here.


It's common for females to want and expect men to be the protector of the family. Goes back to caveman days, I think. 

Digging down, though, it sounds more like what you're not liking is that he has no drive. That's a psychological thing, really. A personality thing.

Definitely needs a real discussion. Please remember, though, that just because YOU want one thing and he wants another, it doesn't make him wrong. I hope you can go into that conversation acknowledging that, and just wanting to find a compromise you can BOTH be ok with.


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Husband issue aside, I want to point out that 'providing' all these things to your daughter doesn't make you a good mom.
> 
> When DD23 was about 10, my mom told me to stop. Just stop. Stop putting her in all these classes. Stop buying her stuff. Just stop. At the time, I was a bit offended. A couple years later, I got it. And stopped. DD23 has thanked me a dozen times, for stepping back.
> 
> I don't know you, but my first instinct is to tell you that you may want to get some outside advice on whether you are really 'helping' your daughter by needing to 'provide' for her in this way.


Thanks for the reply...I don't feel I NEED to give her these things, I want to. And I definitely understand providing her with extra curricular activities does not make me a good mom. I want her to grow up with a loving family (who doesn't) and I want her to grow up happy (again, who doesn't want that for their child). 

I feel I make everyday life fun for my daughter and value the time we spend together most all. Deep down I do know what's important. I just want to be able to give her some extras without breaking the bank. Will she grow up deprived if she doesn't have ballerina practice or have ugg boots? No. I know that. But she's my girl. I want to spoil her. 

But I will try and focus on how lucky I am just to have her at all be thankful for everything I do have. Life could be worse. Sometimes a reality check can put everything in perspective. My mom has said the same to me, "Stop spending money on the little things. They add up". And she's right. And in the long run, it makes me happy for her to have the 'stuff' she probably could care less right now. Thanks again for the post.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My daughter frankly didn't WANT the stuff we kept buying her and the classes we kept putting her in. And today, she doesn't even remember any of it. Because it kept coming, she never had to work for it.

Here's what changed everything for me: I read a story of a man who had 3 sons. Teenagers. He realized he had been spending thousands of dollars on each of them, with school and sports and clothes and electronics and whatnot. So on January 1 one year, he sat them all down. He had a pile of cash in front of each of them. He told them that he figured out how much money he was spending, and he figured that they had been taught to take it all for granted. He said that his job wasn't to keep them happy, but to teach them to become happy, responsible ADULTS. To that end, he was now going to give them each what he and their mom would normally spend on them for the next year. 

He said that they would NOT bail them out. At all. He warned them to start thinking hard about planning ahead. One son blew through his money and spent the last 6 months begging and borrowing from the other brothers or friends, having to skip sports events or going out with his friends, etc. Another son almost made it all the way through the year, and didn't suffer much. The last son not only made it through, but he started a savings account, loaned out money to make even more money, reassessed what he wanted out of life.

He said that, in the end, he ended up with 3 sons who not only paid their own way through college, but all bought their own houses, had successful careers, and led happy lives. He said he fears how they would have turned out had he not changed his own ways.

I read that when DD23 was about 12. I didn't go quite that far, but I started giving her a decent allowance, and told her I would no longer pay for anything but essentials (and books - I always bought her books, no questions asked). It was up to her to decide how to get what she wanted. Told her I'd be glad to listen to her offers to work for me to earn more money if she wanted something big.

Suddenly, she started blossoming, caring more, taking pride in what she did and what she got.

I'm not saying you should follow my lead. I know I sound preachy. It's just that I saw such a big change in her, once I stopped making money and stuff and activities the most important things. She is SO together now. She's the only one of her friends to graduate college, going for her PhD, VERY careful with money, and miles ahead of her friends in terms of being happy and getting what she wants out of like. I hope that the changes I made in myself had something to do with that. Just food for thought.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What makes you want these specific things so much -- tennis camp, ballet lessons etc.? Is it that you had those things growing up and therefore it just seems like you "should" be able to provide them for her because that's what she's "supposed" to have? Or did you maybe grow up not having those things and watching other kids have them and feel jealous? Is there some part of you that wants to say "I made it in life. My daughter can have nice things." ?

Because I agree with the above posters, they are not the most important things in life. No woman ever plopped herself down on a therapist couch and said "my parents didn't give me tennis camp." But a lot of them lie down and say "my father worked all the time and he was never there for me" or "my father acted like he didn't care about me.

If you feel like you are always "strapped" you might want to examine your lifestyle and your expectations. Do you drive luxury cars when you could drive simpler cars? Are you taking multiple expensive vacations per year when you could scale back to one? Do you shop at a fancy grocery when you could buy a lot of things at Costco instead? Does your rent or mortgage take up too big a percent of your income?


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> I read that when DD23 was about 12. I didn't go quite that far, but I started giving her a decent allowance, and told her I would no longer pay for anything but essentials (and books - I always bought her books, no questions asked). It was up to her to decide how to get what she wanted. Told her I'd be glad to listen to her offers to work for me to earn more money if she wanted something big.
> 
> Suddenly, she started blossoming, caring more, taking pride in what she did and what she got.


Great advice! Thank you!! That's exactly what I want for her future...To appreciate what she has and be financially responsible.


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

John Lee said:


> What makes you want these specific things so much -- tennis camp, ballet lessons etc.? Is it that you had those things growing up and therefore it just seems like you "should" be able to provide them for her because that's what she's "supposed" to have? Or did you maybe grow up not having those things and watching other kids have them and feel jealous? Is there some part of you that wants to say "I made it in life. My daughter can have nice things." ?
> 
> Because I agree with the above posters, they are not the most important things in life. No woman ever plopped herself down on a therapist couch and said "my parents didn't give me tennis camp." But a lot of them lie down and say "my father worked all the time and he was never there for me" or "my father acted like he didn't care about me.
> 
> If you feel like you are always "strapped" you might want to examine your lifestyle and your expectations. Do you drive luxury cars when you could drive simpler cars? Are you taking multiple expensive vacations per year when you could scale back to one? Do you shop at a fancy grocery when you could buy a lot of things at Costco instead? Does your rent or mortgage take up too big a percent of your income?


I did have those things growing up and I had an amazing childhood. I don't feel that I "should" give them to her, I want to. I had so many valuable experiences that my parents were able to provide for me. My parents were actively involved in my life and enjoyed various activities/events with me. Such as, traveling, sports, boating adventures, etc... I wouldn't change one thing about my childhood. So, yes I do want to give the same to my daughter. 

I'm not trying to create a materialistic world for her so I can tell my friends that my daughter does dance. I am not trying to prove anything. I really want her to be able to experience everything and I want to be there with her while she does. 

My financial situation is not the same as my parents had. I'm going to have to accept that and accept that I cant give her everything that I would like to. I will have to cut costs where possible and prioritize what I can give her. More days at the beach playing with family and less days at tennis camp


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The one most important thing I've learned is that what YOU want may not be what your KID wants, and you may have to adjust your expectations. I tried to get mine in dance twice, then dropped it. Later, in high school, SHE decided she wanted in it so I signed her up for classes. (but she wasn't that good)

Not saying you're pushing her, just reminding you not to get upset or not to push her to things she's not really that into. Remember that kids will SAY they want things they know you want, because they want to please you. My mom told me not to sign DD up for anything unless she asked for it - for a good long while. And she was right.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Allontime said:


> More days at the beach playing with family and less days at tennis camp


Sounds like heaven for a kid!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, to get back on track, you need to figure out how to approach the discussion with your husband about your expectations. Can you accept that he may be perfectly happy with the life he's chosen for himself? What will you do if you tell him you want him to change and he doesn't want to?


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> btw, to get back on track, you need to figure out how to approach the discussion with your husband about your expectations. Can you accept that he may be perfectly happy with the life he's chosen for himself? What will you do if you tell him you want him to change and he doesn't want to?


Yes...I'm prepared for a discussion with him. I'm going to write some things down so I can be assured I'm explaining myself correctly. My husband has a tendency to get defensive when I bring certain topics up. Maybe I should write down my expectations first? So he can read and digest the information and then we could discuss them?

He and I need to prioritize our relationship and have/make quality time for US. That is one thing I really would like to see happen. I'd also like to see a better sharing of household chores. These are things I foresee as being easy to discuss. It's the money part I'm worried about. I don't want to make him feel 'less of a man' or ashamed. I know he would love to make more money but I don't believe it is possible right now with his background and field he is in. He's very smart but dropped out of college. Had a really good job years ago, and like I said earlier a failed business. He's made some poor work related choices. He's very well aware. 

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, it's a reality. Something I knew when i met him. I think we'll have to reassess and look to see what other jobs might bring in more income. Maybe some additional schooling would be necessary. 

Thanks for all the advice and feedback. It's very helpful!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Allontime said:


> I'm not trying to make excuses for him, it's a reality. Something I knew when i met him. I think we'll have to reassess and look to see what other jobs might bring in more income. Maybe some additional schooling would be necessary.


The way you're talking about this concerns me a little -- it sounds kind of like you're saying "Well, my husband doesn't make enough money for the life I want, so I'm just going to discuss with him how he can start making enough money to give it to me." I don't know that you pushing him into different jobs or getting additional schooling is really a good solution for your marriage. That sounds like the kind of thing that (1) probably won't work and (2) if it works might breed resentment. Planning out his career for him would not sit well with most men. 

How does he feel about all this? Does he want to be making more money? Is he taking any steps to get there? Does he work hard? It's hard for me to tell from what you're saying whether he is the complacent type or whether he wants to be doing better but is just a bit down on his luck right now. 

I kind of wonder from your posts whether you initially took for granted the lifestyle you had as a child and only later realized how expensive it was and how your husband didn't earn enough to provide it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I kind of got the same sense. I tried to tell you that he might be ok with where he's at (lots of people stay in jobs they 'hate' cos they don't want to bother changing), yet your feeling is that you need to help him improve himself so he can earn more. That is you TELLING him what he needs to do and be. Won't work. Go ahead and tell him YOUR side, but don't try telling him what his side needs to look like. Unless you're willing to divorce.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Also, there has to be a sense of partnership. Saying "we'll sit down and work together on how we can meet MY financial goals" is a very minnesota nice way of making demands. Does your husband want her to have tennis camp and all that? You need to sit down and work together on what your joint goals are first, which may have to mean compromise between the life you want and the life he wants. 

All that aside, I just wonder if you've sat down and tried to figure out how much money you actually "need" for the lifestyle you want. You need to figure out all the costs and add them up - is it an extra $10,000 a year or an extra $100,000 a year? If it's the former, maybe it's just a matter of making sacrifices in other areas.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I agree with the previous posters. And I will note the following:

* Do you know exactly what you want from him? What do you see as each of your roles? There's no specific right or wrong, except that you need to work as hard as he does somehow. So, with that in mind...

* Are you prepared to work harder as you ask him to do the same? You want him to make more money (going to school if necessary) AND you want him to do more chores. And, you say he's made bad career choices. Honestly, you make him sound like a bum, and I'm not buying it. He had a business and had a good job at one point, which means he is not lazy.

So, let's assume that he's a reasonably hard working guy who has hit lean times (very common in this bad economy - if you don't have exactly the skills someone wants, you will get paid little if you can find a job at all). When you say you want XYZ, he will say he wants ABC from you. What will you do then?

* You say you own the home and have a retirement account, and he has none of those. How did that come to be?


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

It's hard to put a relationship and marriage into words. I know my husband is not happy with the job he's in and the amount of money he makes. I know he wants that to change, not for me but for himself. This is something he mentions often. However, my husband does not seek ways to change his current situation without discussing it and getting advice from people. He has also had many people assist him in the various jobs he's had. There was a time when he was unemployed and basically accepted it. He was down and needed support to get back on his feet. My point being i don't feel that I'm pushing him to create the life i want. I'm trying to help and support him to have a better life. One that he has told me he wants. 

He is currently seeking a new job because he doesn't like the one he's in now. This was something we both spoke about and researched together. I completely support him. I hope he gets the new job and enjoys it.

We spoke last night and I asked him what his future goals were. He wants to be making more money, liked to go on some vacations, put money away for retirement, etc... I explained to him my concerns about our finances now and how I didn't think what we had now would allow us that future. I don't think that I am trying to have him meet my financial goals. I know he would like the same. He's told me more than once. I just don't think he has a plan in order to make that happen. His plan is to 'get by now' and worry about it later which frustrates me a little. We're not young (38 and 40). I know it's not fair to expect him to wave a magic wand and poof we have more money. I want to feel secure for the future and know that my daughter will be well taken care of. I know that what we have now isn't going to support that.


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

I did bring up the schooling as an option. I did not tell him that's what he should do. I asked if he's considered it. His concerns were the time to do it and the money to do it. He actually liked the idea of expanding his career choices. However, worried that after it all there still was no guarantee of a job and more money. He's absolutely right but I'm glad we discussed it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. 

From what you described, he probably had parents who took care of things for him and never just said 'figure it out.' So he didn't. Sad to say, that rarely changes in someone's personality - it simply was never learned. It's like never realizing you could protect yourself from Denghe fever because you never heard of it before, so how could you even KNOW to protect yourself?

So I suggest that you two sit down once a month to discuss your finances and your goals and your successes, and listen to each other's ideas on how to change things. That will help him learn to at least THINK about how to change his life, and maybe even HOW to do it, if he listens to you as an ally.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Schooling for a career is something that has to be weighed very carefully. Gone are the days where more schooling automatically equals more pay or a better job.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

But one other thing: I still sense vagueness in some of your statements about finance. This may just be because you're choosing not to be specific on this board, but it's important to be specific in your planning. It can't just be "I would like to have money for retirement and vacations." That's a start. But you also have to sit down and look at your expenses very carefully -- ALL of them. Planning for your future doesn't have to, and shouldn't, wait until the day your husband "gets it together." You need to start by looking at how you can make your current income more in line with your needs. Forget the tennis camp right now, focus on the essentials: (1) an emergency fund with 6 and preferably 9-12 months total expenses (2) paying down of debt, higher interest first (3) retirement savings (4) child's basic educational needs (this is up to you -- it might mean putting some money away for her college, it might just mean living in a good public school district and making sure she does well to maximize scholarships).

If you can focus on getting those things in line with your current income, you will breathe easier and not feel all this pressure to have your husband make more money. Then, if he ever does, it will be a nice bonus and THEN you can start thinking about the nice vacations, tennis camp, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When DD23 went off to college, I thought I'd go back and get a new degree...NOT! Thousands of dollars for EACH semester, just to go to night school, one class at a time? Uh no...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is a good website for learning to redo your budget:
https://www.mytotalmoneymakeover.com/

Although he tells you to pay down the smaller debts first, to give you impetus to keep going. If you're very disciplined, go for the highest interest.


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

Thank you so much for the feedback. I appreciate the time and am happy i ventured onto this site. It has opened my eyes in many ways and hopefully will lead my husband and I in the right direction. 

We will have to sit down and budget...and keep it on a tight budget right now while putting away what we can and re-evaluate as needed. I like the monthly idea to begin with and go from there. 

I too understand all about the cost off college and how expensive it can be...and understand that it's not a guarantee to a new job. I see people all the time in my field with multiple degrees/
certifications and no job. It's a shame. 

So, we made a list of free/inexpensive things to do together and with our daughter. I'm a little excited to make fall leaf placemats this weekend


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## Allontime (Oct 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> This is a good website for learning to redo your budget:
> https://www.mytotalmoneymakeover.com/
> 
> Although he tells you to pay down the smaller debts first, to give you impetus to keep going. If you're very disciplined, go for the highest interest.


Thanks so much!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Glad to hear it. You know what kids want most, right? TIME with their parents. btw, when DD was a baby, her favorite toys were pots and pans. Two or three years of presents went ignored.

Another thought - when I was a kid, I had Barbie dolls. But not much else. A neighbor sewed clothes for them for me. So my sink became her swimming pool and the faucet the diving board. The bathtub was the ocean. A shoebox was her car. Another, folded down, became a bed. Another, a desk and chairs. 

Best memories of my life. Why? Because it was MY IMAGINATION that brought all that to life.

My DD23 is an amazing kid. But she's lazy as hell, because we handed her so much stuff.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Schooling for a career is something that has to be weighed very carefully. Gone are the days where more schooling automatically equals more pay or a better job.


:iagree


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