# Is it always my fault?!



## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

Every single argument, disagreement, question, concern turns into my husband saying mean things to me. Things to hurt me. When he finally calms down and I ask for an apology he never takes responsibility. He always replies with "if you wouldn't do this I wouldn't say mean things. Or sorry I ruined your life. I'm sure you found somebody to replace me." I could just be having a grumpy day and it turns into the world's ended. The point IS IT POSSIBLE THAT EVERYTHING IS TRULY MY FAULT?!


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

I would find it hard to believe that everything is your fault, sounds like he has other issues and he is trying to take those issues out on you in other ways,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Of course not. Impossible.
But if you keep getting the same results it is time to try a different approach.
You cannot really have an argument with someone who hurts you and then when you are upset and hurt and you try to 'explain' it to him tells you it's your own fault.
You know this.
I know this.
Then there is the smokescreen that you must be seeing someone on the side, which causes you to wonder how you are coming across to him, you must appear to be an untrustworthy sl*t and that you are not acting trustworthy. And forget that he probably deliberately did something to hurt you in the first place, just to be mean!
I've heard it too.

I got individual therapy (useful to keep your sanity when it is under attack) and also the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" or something to that effect, was given to me to read also. It tells you/teaches you how to respond to this situation better, better for yourself that is. I like that book too about Why Men Love *****es. It has some good tactics in it on how to deal with someone trying to treat you in a way that you don't deserve to be treated (i.e. mean, ignored, dismissed, accused).

Make sure you take care of yourself. Don't always put him first. There is love, then there is doormat. There is a difference between these. One gets returned. One gets stepped on and eventually feels dirty and gets a hole in it where people wipe the sh*t off their shoes.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

hbgirl said:


> Every single argument, disagreement, question, concern turns into my husband saying mean things to me. Things to hurt me. When he finally calms down and I ask for an apology he never takes responsibility. He always replies with "if you wouldn't do this I wouldn't say mean things. Or sorry I ruined your life. I'm sure you found somebody to replace me." I could just be having a grumpy day and it turns into the world's ended. The point IS IT POSSIBLE THAT EVERYTHING IS TRULY MY FAULT?!


No, it is not possible that everything is truly your fault. Marriage takes two. And when he says "if you wouldn't do this I wouldn't say mean things" is total BS. That is his way of not being responsible for the mean things he said. You are not responsible for his actions - he is. If he said mean things then that is on him and not you. You are only responsible for your actions, he is responsible for the way he acts or reacts.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To him, everything is your fault. My spouse is like that. She does not own responsibility or even participation in any-thing. Ever. Whatever it is, not her fault. 

She's been in 4 minor car accidents in the past 2 years including hitting one car from behind at the airport and hitting the drivers side of another car in front of her in a TRAFFIC CIRCLE. ----not her fault. Nuh uh. Started a fire in the kitchen, nope not her fault. Forget to mail the bills, nyet. Toilet overflows while she's watching it overflow. Not her fault. Lost her phone? Someone else did that. 

And so on. Look the instances are almost comical but what's happening is that she literally takes no responsibility for anything in her own life. Not her actions, not her happiness, nothing. This is partly why sex disappeared. She 'doesn't have to' do anything about it. Ever. Not her job. This is partly why she's so incredibly angry and unhappy - because someone else hasn't fixed it for her. This is partly why she's never held a job - because contributing is not her problem. It's my problem, my fault, or someone else's problem or the world's problem. 

It's enormously frustrating to have to deal with paranoids like that. And I've never been able to improve on it. Because whatever you say to them, they tell you no. no. no. no. no. no. Not their fault. It doesn't even have to make sense. It doesn't even have to be connected to reality.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

No, it is not possible for everything to be your fault. Most things are nobody's fault, many are both person's fault and the rest are pretty much evenly split. My wife's favorite line is "It's not all my fault". But no one ever said it was all her fault. Thinking that everything is her fault is a form of self aggrandizement she learned from her alcoholic father.

But the real killer here is the inability to apologize. This is a trait observed in the narcissistic personality where one never has to apologize because one is never wrong. One should always sincerely apologize for any action that hurts another person whether accidental or purposeful or deserved (?) or whatever. The standard of whether the apology is deemed to be sincere is completely up to the injured party. Without this your marriage is in a tailspin destined to crash. There are a lot of ways to work with this including play acting, since in insincere but totally believable apology is almost always OK. The time to start working on this is now.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

hbgirl said:


> Every single argument, disagreement, question, concern turns into my husband saying mean things to me. Things to hurt me. When he finally calms down and I ask for an apology he never takes responsibility. He always replies with "if you wouldn't do this I wouldn't say mean things. Or sorry I ruined your life. I'm sure you found somebody to replace me." I could just be having a grumpy day and it turns into the world's ended. The point IS IT POSSIBLE THAT EVERYTHING IS TRULY MY FAULT?!


You are letting him manipulate you. I used to be someone who was easily manipulated. There are times when I do things that even I would say mean things to myself for. Part of my "growing up / manning up" process was being able to recognize those times and own my bad behavior. However, when I know it wasn't me and it was my wife just being disrespectful, I have no problem calling her on it.

The other day I was under a lot of stress for work. These days I work all but 4 days a month from home. I was stressing trying to meet a deadline and she kept interrupting me and I started to get snippy. Instead of calmly asking her to not interrupt me I snapped at her. I instantly realized what I did and saw her reaction so I walked to the kitchen and apologized. I really meant it. Her response was, "Yeah, well, I'm sorry for EVERYTHING I've ever done to you!" in a real smart ass tone. I said to her in a perfectly calm tone, "I realize that I had no reason to snap at you. I realized it immediately and came to apologize. Your response was derision and disrespect. If this is how you are going to continue to receive sincere apologies from me, we are going to have to sit down and discuss our future." In the past I would apologized and done so much @$$ kissing that I would have made most people sick because I thought everything was my fault.

Know when you get what you deserve, but damn it, don't take it if you don't deserve it. I can tell you from experience, you will only be manipulated if you allow it to happen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boogsie said:


> Know when you get what you deserve, but damn it, don't take it if you don't deserve it. I can tell you from experience, you will only be manipulated if you allow it to happen.


What is your advice in a situation where you tell someone they are hurting your feelings and keep blaming you for everything wrong and the behavior doesn't change/they won't apologize?

How can she learn not to be "manipulated" anymore?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mine does the same thing.

It helps when I stay as calm and centered as possible, and show no sign of being hurt or fazed by his words.
Sometimes walking away helps, if you can.
Or saying calmly, "I feel x when you yell at me, so when that happens, I'm going to do y."
or "we can talk about this when we're calm, and can discuss it like adults without yelling and name calling."

unfortunately, it doesn't cause him to stop.
But it helps me feel better.
Individual therapy has helped a lot.
Sorry, I go through the same thing, wish there was a better answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Mine does the same thing.
> 
> It helps when I stay as calm and centered as possible, and show no sign of being hurt or fazed by his words.
> Sometimes walking away helps, if you can.
> ...


This is good advice. I responded to your other thread about money. Obviously lots of manipulation going on, as has been said. I think therapy's a great idea as people like this truly screw up how you think about yourself. You really cannot change what he does, but you can decide how you are going to respond and how much of it you're going to take. You don't have to put up with anything that you chose not to, even if it seems small. But you might be forced to just remove yourself from the situation. That type of person is just so good at verbal manipulation - it can really make you feel crazy.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> What is your advice in a situation where you tell someone they are hurting your feelings and keep blaming you for everything wrong and the behavior doesn't change/they won't apologize?
> 
> How can she learn not to be "manipulated" anymore?


If someone is doing / saying something that hurts your feelings and totally disregard you they are not only trying to manipulate you but they are showing you a total lack of respect. At some point you will have to make a decision and set a boundary.

Boundaries are a tricky things though and what I mean by that is this: When you enforce a boundary you must be prepared to take it to its ultimate end. If you aren't prepared to do that it will just be another line to be stepped over with no consequences.

You may start with saying, "Please don't say things like that, they hurt my feelings."

The next time you may say, "I've asked you not to say things like that to me. This is unacceptable."

The next time you might say, "I've told you before this behavior is unacceptable and I will not remain in a relationship where it exists."

Be sure that if you go this route you are ready and willing to take the next step. It took me a long time to realize that if I stepped over one of my wife's boundaries (quitting my job) that she would leave me in a heartbeat. (I asked her and she said that would be the case). Lo and behold a few weeks later we had a conversation about our non-sex life and I told her I was not willing to stay in a marriage with no intimacy. She said she was willing to work on it and she has been putting *some* effort into it. Not enough effort in my opinion so this time I'm going to have to push it a step farther.

Every time I push back across the boundary she does exactly as much as she thinks she has to to get me to back off. My next step is to come home with divorce papers and tell her flat out, I don't want a divorce but I will not live a life of near celibacy. All other aspects of our marriage are great, but I'm a very highly sexed male and once a quarter just is not enough for me.

Another good litmus test would be the old "Do unto others." If your spouse belittles you and doesn't heed your warnings, do it back some time and gauge their response. Then make sure they know exactly how they make you feel. My wife HATES it when I do this to her but she does quickly learn how I feel.

I've noticed from this forum though, that unless highly motivated to change (IE divorce), most people have no interest in true change.

I started out on a journey to try to "change" my wife into wanting more sex and ended up really changing myself.

I'm very interested in my wife's happiness, but no longer at the expense of my own. If something in my life is making me miserable now, I simply remove it if I can't change it.

This turned out much longer than I intended.  Sorry about that.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Kill him with kindness.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

BigToe said:


> Kill him with kindness.


If you can testify to this being effective and smart at garnering respect from someone who does this, do tell.
I'm genuinely curious.
I've tried that too, but it seems to justify and enable his disrespectful treatment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boogsie said:


> Boundaries are a tricky things though and what I mean by that is this: When you enforce a boundary you must be prepared to take it to its ultimate end. If you aren't prepared to do that it will just be another line to be stepped over with no consequences..


I agree.



Boogsie said:


> You may start with saying, "Please don't say things like that, they hurt my feelings."
> 
> The next time you may say, "I've asked you not to say things like that to me. This is unacceptable."
> 
> The next time you might say, "I've told you before this behavior is unacceptable and I will not remain in a relationship where it exists."..


See, I don't think you should have to tell someone 3 separate times they are hurting you and you want them to stop. People who continue to do something after you've told them it's hurting you do NOT respect your boundaries and are "boundary-resistant."


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