# Need advice on wife's behavior



## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Ladies, Trying to understand here so thanks for your feedback.
Been married over 20 years.
I was out of town recently for a week and called (845PM) from the airport to let my wife know I landed and would be home soon (about 20 minutes). 
So when I get home she is in the bed asleep... after being gone a week I find this most offensive. Considering I had called just 20 minutes earlier. 
She had been fighting a cold the entire week but nothing major or preventing her from day to day activities. Not on any medicine to make her sleepy.
How would you define this behavior? Would you do that to your husband?


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

What time does she usually go to sleep? Or at least for the week you were gone?


----------



## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Cherry said:


> What time does she usually go to sleep? Or at least for the week you were gone?


Usually 10 to 11PM.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would think she needed a rest and feeling worse then you thought. We can't feel each others pain or sickness, so it's difficult to really know first hand how well she felt.

I'd pass it off if this is the only odd thing that happened. However, I don't find it that odd since I'm exhausted by 8:30pm and I do go to bed at that time during the kids school year. 

Would I do this to my husband? If he arrived home late, most likely. Usually after gone a week or so, he's home much earlier. He always takes an early morning flight home and arrives in the afternoon.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you talked to her about it? I imagine if my H did something like that, I'd approach him in the morning and let him know I was a bit offended so what gives? If he told me he just felt tired, I'd let it go


----------



## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

There have been many times where I was waiting for my wife to come home with good intentions to greet her, but drifted to sleep instead. It happens. If this is your only complaint, I wouldn't worry about it.


----------



## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I've fallen asleep when I'd fully expected to be awake long enough to do something. I've tried to get better about it, it's my husband's biggest pet peeves, but sometimes you're going great and then that wall just hits you and you're like...maybe I'll just lay down til he gets here, and then you're out. Especially if you're getting over being sick. After I am "better" after being sick for a couple of days, I still get exhausted very quickly. 

Do you have reason to suspect it was supposed to mean something? In a healthy marriage I would just check in about what happened and explain how you felt. 

Even in an unhealthy marriage I'd check in before taking it as a slight. Assumptions hurt relationships.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I'm a guy and i can understand the OP. Being a week away and coming home i expect some expression of welcome and "i missed you". Coming home and find my wife sleeping like she doesn't give a crap would be kinda hurtful. 

But maybe she was just exhausted and/or under the effect of medication.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

costa200 said:


> I'm a guy and i can understand the OP. Being a week away and coming home i expect some expression of welcome and "i missed you". Coming home and find my wife sleeping like she doesn't give a crap would be kinda hurtful.
> 
> But maybe she was just exhausted and/or under the effect of medication.


Under normal circumstances I'd be upset too. Since she was sick, maybe she should get a free pass this one time.

If it happens in the future, I'd be communicating my concerns. 

I sure miss my husband while he's away. He misses me too. He travels for pleasure, not for work. We are very blessed this way. I grew up and my dad always travelled for work. It was exhausting to him when he arrived home. Some times he would leave again the day after he arrived home.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Did she take any medication? Cold medication knocks me out.


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

I think you're over reacting...I think she was tired. God forbid a wife get sick and tired....


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I think I may be the only one who would also take offense to this. If I had become so sleepy I couldn't wait for my husband to get home I would call him on his way and tell him that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and that I would see him in the morning. I would apologize.
Just ask her what happened, she may be annoyed that you went out of town or something else is bugging her.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> I think you're over reacting...I think she was tired. God forbid a wife get sick and tired....


According to a lot of posts on here, mine included, a lot of wive's are sick and tired......of their H's.:rofl:


----------



## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

I would like to ask the OP what he thinks the problem is? There seems to a suspicion of something, but it isn't being said. What's the problem?


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> According to a lot of posts on here, mine included, a lot of wive's are sick and tired......of their H's.:rofl:


:smthumbup:


----------



## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

dwaynewilliams said:


> I would like to ask the OP what he thinks the problem is? There seems to a suspicion of something, but it isn't being said. What's the problem?


So I travel for business quite frequently.. gone anywhere between 2-5 days a week, mostly 4 or 5 day trips. Seems lately (last 2-3 months) I get a colder shoulder when I arrive. Seldom do I get acknowledgement and even more so the lack of physical connection on the night I get home.. heck sometimes it's a night or two later that we finally have sex. Seems odd and I am feeling a little taken for granted/ignored.
She even asked the next day "When did you get home last night?" uh.. 20 minutes after I called you and told you I was on my way home I replied. She knows how far it is from the airport.
Last night she went in the bedroom and fell asleep before I got in there too..
On the other hand if I am late getting in I understand she should be sleeping.. I don't expect anything out of normal.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

discouraged1 said:


> So I travel for business quite frequently.. gone anywhere between 2-5 days a week, mostly 4 or 5 day trips. Seems lately (last 2-3 months) I get a colder shoulder when I arrive. Seldom do I get acknowledgement and even more so the lack of physical connection on the night I get home.. heck sometimes it's a night or two later that we finally have sex. Seems odd and I am feeling a little taken for granted/ignored.
> She even asked the next day "When did you get home last night?" uh.. 20 minutes after I called you and told you I was on my way home I replied. She knows how far it is from the airport.
> Last night she went in the bedroom and fell asleep before I got in there too..
> On the other hand if I am late getting in I understand she should be sleeping.. I don't expect anything out of normal.


You have every right to feel this way. A one time thing, no. Every time getting a cold shoulder, yes. For some reason you are both disconnected from each other. I highly doubt she's taking an advantage of you. She may be feeling the same way about you? You need to communicate. 

You need to have a talk with your wife. Don't put any blame on her, but discuss the lack of connection and find a way to reconnect. Her needs are not being met emotionally and neither are yours. 

It takes both parties to work hard at the marriage pleasing one another. The longer you hold this in, the more resentment you will build. There's a book called "His needs, Her needs". Maybe it's a good time for you both to read it.

Good luck!


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> So I travel for business quite frequently.. gone anywhere between 2-5 days a week, mostly 4 or 5 day trips. Seems lately (last 2-3 months) I get a colder shoulder when I arrive. Seldom do I get acknowledgement and even more so the lack of physical connection on the night I get home.. heck sometimes it's a night or two later that we finally have sex. Seems odd and I am feeling a little taken for granted/ignored.
> She even asked the next day "When did you get home last night?" uh.. 20 minutes after I called you and told you I was on my way home I replied. She knows how far it is from the airport.
> Last night she went in the bedroom and fell asleep before I got in there too..
> On the other hand if I am late getting in I understand she should be sleeping.. I don't expect anything out of normal.


I don't want to sound harsh, but a sense of entitlement comes to mind. You are away a lot...and you feel taken for granted? Sounds to me like your wife is only giving what she is getting. You can't neglect another person and expect them to be nurturing in turn. I have heard your complaints, but I haven't heard how you have tried to get to the bottom of it...do something special for her on one of the days you are home...Try to let her know how much you appreciate her and miss her when you're gone....Ya know the golden rule...Treat others as you wish to be treated. That's never more important than in a marriage.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she was sick and taking meds that made her drowsy, why are you offended that she was asleep? Sounds like she wasn't feeling too good. Empathy goes a long way.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Does she often (or always) avoid sex with you? 

Honestly it makes me wonder who (or who with) she was spending her time while you were gone.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sounds like you are away from home a lot. Your wife could be establishing a solitary life and sub-consciously resent your interrupting her routine when you come home. If it's more than the one time when she was recovering from a cold I think some work is in order to re-establish your connection with her.


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Wifes bad behaviour...
Why would you title it that way?
Thats belittling.

ON another note, What was her reasoning for falling asleep?
I know when i am sick i feel sicker at night time then i do any other part of the day she may have been trying to wait on you and passed out.

Did you greet her while she was in the bed?
Or just lay all the blame on her?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've been married for almost thirty years to someone who travels a lot for work (app. 40-60% away from home per year). When the kids were young, this was very stressful for me, since I had my own career & we lived in a foreign country where childcare help was difficult. Pretty much forever, my husband wanted several things at once: 1) He didn't want me to guilt him about the amount of time he was away, i.e., he wanted me to act like I took it in stride, and 2) he wanted me to tell him I miss him on the phone (and I did), plus a big welcome home every time he returned.

After about 20 years, the cognitive dissonance of this became too much for me & I told him if he wanted me not to be upset about the constant travel & to act like it's the same old, same old, then he couldn't expect me to wear my heart on my sleeve every time he comes home. Actually, I was happy to welcome him home with some fanfare, since I essentially always missed him, but I also wanted him to take my concerns about his travel seriously (which he was defensive about).


----------



## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Sounds like you are away from home a lot. Your wife could be establishing a solitary life and sub-consciously resent your interrupting her routine when you come home. If it's more than the one time when she was recovering from a cold I think some work is in order to re-establish your connection with her.


:smthumbup: I can't agree with the above statement more. I would also like to add -- I'll be the candid one out of the group -- your wife may have simply enjoyed the time you were gone because after 20 years the romance is gone and she enjoys being home without your "expectations" on how she should behave or act. She could have been awake and pretending to be asleep so she didn't have to deal.

If you think something is up or she is acting cold towards you, then you are correct. You would know. It wouldn't be your imagination. 

During the dating phase one could be half dead and one would jump out of bed and fly into the arms of their loved one after a long absence. After years and years of marriage sometimes it becomes more like, 'Oh noooo... Please just go away. I don't feel well.' 

But that's just my blunt take on it


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> I don't want to sound harsh, but a sense of entitlement comes to mind. You are away a lot...and you feel taken for granted? Sounds to me like your wife is only giving what she is getting. You can't neglect another person and expect them to be nurturing in turn. I have heard your complaints, but I haven't heard how you have tried to get to the bottom of it...do something special for her on one of the days you are home...Try to let her know how much you appreciate her and miss her when you're gone....Ya know the golden rule...Treat others as you wish to be treated. That's never more important than in a marriage.


Wow.

He travels for work to help support the home and the spouse (not saying she doesn't contribute too) and this is the response he gets? 

Again, why is it always the guy who has to do something for the woman? Why can't the woman ALSO do something special for the husband who travels extensively to help suppot the home? Traveling for work sucks after a while. I actually switched jobs 10 years ago because the extensive travel got to me after a while.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

What do you think is going on? Is this the only issue, or are there other things going on that bother you?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is a change in here behavior. 2-3 month ago something or someone has influnced the dynamics of the marraige with regard to your wife.

I suggest you eliminate my asumtion by quitely investigating her.

This is not normal, hence the reason for your thread. Even if she was "sick" this time, its been going on for months.

Check the cellphone log online and look for a number that is used often especially the 1st thing in the morning and the last one at night.

Look at her computor and check her browwser history anf her social network sites.

There maybe more red flags then the lack of affection you are getting after a long time away from home.

It could be possible that she has made some emotional attachment to someone while you have been away.

If you find the red flags (and I hope you don't) come back here before you confront.


----------



## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Any change in behavior is cause for concern. I think we all know when something is just not right. But we are in denial about it..we try to explain it away.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sorry.. but, if you travel that much... Then you calling & saying you are on your way home is nothing new. No reason to get all excited & stay up & wait. It's a common every week experience.

Now the two nights in a row falling asleep very early.. and her being a little sick, Well, that would scream to me that maybe she is a little more than a "little" sick.

If your body is down & out & you NEED the rest, it will find a way to get it.


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Wow.
> 
> He travels for work to help support the home and the spouse (not saying she doesn't contribute too) and this is the response he gets?
> 
> Again, why is it always the guy who has to do something for the woman? Why can't the woman ALSO do something special for the husband who travels extensively to help suppot the home? Traveling for work sucks after a while. I actually switched jobs 10 years ago because the extensive travel got to me after a while.


Well for one thing, I don't have the benefit to talk to her...ONLY him. SOMEONE has to make the first move at improving the situation, otherwise you're just asking for a stalemate making a bad situation worse. The point of this thread (I thought) was to help. You're advising him to dig his heels in deeper. Giving a little never hurt anyone.


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> This is a change in here behavior. 2-3 month ago something or someone has influnced the dynamics of the marraige with regard to your wife.
> 
> I suggest you eliminate my asumtion by quitely investigating her.
> 
> ...



All because she needed to sleep.............:scratchhead:


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> Well for one thing, I don't have the benefit to talk to her...ONLY him. SOMEONE has to make the first move at improving the situation, otherwise you're just asking for a stalemate making a bad situation worse. The point of this thread (I thought) was to help. You're advising him to dig his heels in deeper. Giving a little never hurt anyone.


I wasn't advising him to dig his heels in further. I was simply trying to point out that I *felt* that your response was a little one sided

I'm not sure how his simply cowtowing to her resolves anything or improves the situation. It would simply continue the stalemate that you talk about


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> All because she needed to sleep.............:scratchhead:


Ducky,

Again the issue here is you are making assumptions on the wife's behalf. She hasn't posted here. The OP has

The OP has said that her behavior has changed in the last few months and not just this one occasion.

Of course, you may be right and waht she needed was some rest but I think that the OP feels there are other deeper issues here hence his seeking out TAM


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Ducky,
> 
> Again the issue here is you are making assumptions on the wife's behalf. She hasn't posted here. The OP has
> 
> ...


If you look, you can see I did give him advice to the problem as a whole.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ducky316 said:


> All because she needed to sleep.............:scratchhead:


I guess OP won't be on this site if it was just that simple.

My point isn't about the sleep issue that brought him to this forum, its about the statement he made that her behavior for the last 2-3 months has him concerned.

Sure I have been hanging out to much in the CWI section LOL, but sometimes folks have a hard time to imagin the unimaginable...thats all.

I guess if I can prevent someone from getting blindsided then great, and if I'm wrong...then even better.


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I wasn't advising him to dig his heels in further. I was simply trying to point out that I *felt* that your response was a little one sided
> 
> I'm not sure how his simply cowtowing to her resolves anything or improves the situation. It would simply continue the stalemate that you talk about


So, doing something for your partner in an attempt to make the situation better, and/or open the lines of communication is now cowtowing? 
It's cowtowing when it isn't reciprocated and if you don't try, then you don't know whether it will be or not. It basically boils down to how valuable your marriage is to you that decides what you are willing to sacrifice and do to save it. There is no pride when it comes to a healthy relationship...If there is, it's doomed.
I know.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

No, rewarding your partner for being (as percieved by the OP) at best somewhat cold is cowtowing. Rewarding bad behavior simply reinforces it

Again, the OP mentioned that this is not the first time something like this has happened. Giving gifts is NOT opening the lines of communication!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> If you look, you can see I did give him advice to the problem as a whole.


I'm sorry but the majority of the advice you gave was "do something special for her on one of the days you are home...Try to let her know how much you appreciate her and miss her when you're gone."

The issue is much bigger than this and the part about communicating that you brought up is correct. I just have problem with the rest of the advice you gave telling him he needs to show her appreciation and do something special for her. As you suggest, someone who cares about the marriage should reach out. Can I therefore assume his spouse doesn't care because she hasn't reached out to do something? No, I can't. 

Again, it is a two way street and I agree to that part of your posts but I believe that there is something deeper going on here but of course I may be wrong.


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> No, rewarding your partner for being (as percieved by the OP) at best somewhat cold is cowtowing. Rewarding bad behavior simply reinforces it
> 
> Again, the OP mentioned that this is not the first time something like this has happened. Giving gifts is NOT opening the lines of communication!


Who said ANYTHING about giving gifts? WOW...doing something special for your partner should only be done as a reward??? Glad my husband and I REWARD each other everyday in one way or another. Making life easier for each other in some small way everyday, yields huge benefits in keeping us close. It's your actions that show your partner you love them...not words and not gifts. And as I said...someone has to make the first move.


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Rewarding bad behavior simply reinforces it


We are not speaking about a child. We are talking about an adult woman here. Try to remember that please.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> We are not speaking about a child. We are talking about an adult woman here. Try to remember that please.


Regardless

Whether you are providing actual gifts or "doing something special" it is a reward.

You are also assuming that the spouse is behaving like an adult. I make no such assumptions. I can only go on the information provided by the OP


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"It's your actions that show your partner you love them"

I agree. Do you think that his traveling extensively for his job is done because he DOESN'T love his wife? Yes, i know the answer to that question

I am simply trying to illustrate that there are 2 different sides to the story and as I tried to get across earlier, it is not ALWAYS the man's fault in these issues. That is it


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

drifting away from the post guys!!!!!!!!!

agree to diagree.!

Lets jsut wait for more feedback from the OP!!!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Ducky316 said:


> Well for one thing, I don't have the benefit to talk to her...ONLY him. SOMEONE has to make the first move at improving the situation, otherwise you're just asking for a stalemate making a bad situation worse. The point of this thread (I thought) was to help. You're advising him to dig his heels in deeper. Giving a little never hurt anyone.


The point I would make is that he shouldnt have to give anything. He's busting his butt to work and bring home some money in this economy and he's neglected her?

If anything I would think a wife would be appreciative that her husband puts in the time and work and sacrafices time aways from his wife and home. If she's being cold why do you automatically assume he is the problem?

From his description its crystal clear she's giving the guy the cold shoulder and has an uninterested attitude. He can't change her attitude.

I dont want this to turn into a male/female thing. I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. I'd think the husband was either sick, lazy or up to something if he didnt greet his wife with a reasonable amount of interest.


----------



## Lenny (Aug 22, 2012)

Do you go away on a regular basis? It's feasible that this is not a novelty and perhaps just a normal occurrance in your household. As for myself, if my hubs was away, I would be awake and ready for action when he returned!


----------



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

It's clear to me that the idea of SOMEONE making a move first is lost on some of you. It's a shame too because it's good advice that my husband and I live by. I wish everyone was as happy as we are, and only hope someone can benefit from my experience. I didn't nurture my first marriage..I learned from that. I learned that WE are more important than ME. 
That being said, I will post no more on this thread.


----------



## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

I think you are right to be upset. Something has obviously changed. Put the work in and figure it out. Things don't change for no reason - you need to figure out what has happened.

Talk to her!


----------

