# Can you get past affair if spouse wont disclose?



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

My husband wont allow access to any account, phone etc and doesnt even admit he did anything wrong... a year later. Can we move on together without disclosure? Instead of trusting him again, I have had to numb myself, instead of rebuilding trust. Is there any hope? I would disclose to him everything if he would do the same for me. If I asked for disclosure, he would see it as an attempt to control him... just like he saw not contacting the other woman anymore as me controlling him... not a choice he made.

I want to stay for my kids and want the man back that was there when he was in contact with this woman... he has been a sh!t ever since he had to stop contact with her... should I let them contact again?

Thanks.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

This does not sound right, if he is serious about wanting things to work out with you, why wouldn't he give you access.....
You should not let them have contact and it's your right to know what your husband is up to.
He is controlling you..........Tell him you want him to tell you so you can move on without all the questions......good luck


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife had multiple EA's. We are separated.

When we've discussed "sharing" passwords in therapy, my wife and the therapist both agree that my wife has a right to her privacy and does not need to allow me access to her Facebook and e-mail accounts.

I discussed this with the therapist one day when my wife missed an appointment. The MC said that she did agree with me - sharing the passwords is the right thing to do - but she felt my wife was too stubborn and too worried about feeling "controlled" to give these up willingly. She said that this might be something to address at some time in the future when we are both feeling more comfortable again.

So - my MC - a "trained professional" - seems to think that you can somehow move on without transparency as discussed on this board. 

I'm not so sure that I agree with her. All I know for sure is that I still don't trust my wife. But I also have to admit that even if she DID give me her passwords, I would still find myself wondering about other secret accounts that she could easily hide from me.

Part of me feels like I'll just know when things are right again - with or without full transparency - just like I knew things were wrong without being able to read every single correspondence or follow her every electronic move.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, if by full disclosure you mean you will tell him about your sexual affair, it could go either way...either you will both decide the marriage is broken beyond repair...if you/he cannot forgive you will continue to seek outside relationships to fulfill your needs...or you will call a 'truce' and say the past is the past...in which case you will both feel safe disclosing the truth, hurtful as it may be for both of you to hear, and at that point you can determine how to meet each other's needs within the marriage and how to feel safe opening up to one another emotionally.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

I hope this isn't a threadjack, but I've observed this recurring theme amongst WS's who are reluctant to provide transparency, after the trust between partners has already been damaged.

They all seem to have the same battle-cry:

"You're just trying to control me!!!"


A counter-argument just popped into my head.

Isn't withholding information _also _a form of control?

Especially information that would affect the life and emotional well-being of the partner.........

If withholding pertinent information prevents the partner from making an accurately informed assessment about what they are investing in (the marriage, or relationship, essentially)..............................

........isn't that the most controlling behavior of all?


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

jitterbug said:


> I hope this isn't a threadjack, but I've observed this recurring theme amongst WS's who are reluctant to provide transparency, after the trust between partners has already been damaged.
> 
> They all seem to have the same battle-cry:
> 
> ...


So you have seen this before? Yes, but in his mind he is the one being controlled by me and nothing I say changes that. What are the outcomes that you have seen with this... not hijacking the thread at all... you just added a great insight. Eager to hear your reply! and his unwillingness to disclose anything encouraged me to decide to monitor his online activities at home (cant get work computer or BB... which unfortunately is where he does his communicating).


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## picket fences (Mar 22, 2010)

Jitterbug - you are RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I found confirmed proof last Wednesday (yes, just a week ago today) of my husband's EA, that my gut knew about for months (is it still just an EA if they kissed, held hands, and "played footsie", but didn't have sex?).

My husband, to his credit, has now freely given over passwords to all his electronic devices and accounts, and leaves his iPhone around unlocked for me to check at will. He didn't decide to own up and do this until the OW showed herself to be a much lesser person than he had imagined her to be while they were still in the bubble - but hey, let's give credit where it's do.

He talked about feeling "controlled" when I first asked him for the passwords, and he kept saying "I made a mistake, but I'm not going to roll over and die". And my response was - I'm not either! You've shown me I can't trust your words, because your words have been untrustworthy, so I need actions. I need all the info I can get to make the best decision for ME now. You are controlling ME if you leave me in the dark about something that is core to my life - my marriage!

I think he gets it now. Choosing which information to share and which to hold back, is a VERY powerful and VERY sneaky, and often VERY deliberate, form of control. Plain and simple.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

My husband wont even admit. I think that is one reason it was so easy for me to "cheat" it didnt feel like I was cheating on anyone, bc I feel unmarried.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So get a divorce. Neither one of you is committed to marriage.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> (is it still just an EA if they kissed, held hands, and "played footsie", but didn't have sex?).


Just for the record: it's an EA if there is no sex. So yes, this is 'still just' an EA...


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> So get a divorce. Neither one of you is committed to marriage.


Sadly I have to agree here. Whynot I'm sorry that it has not turned out the way you wanted, but your own affair that you have been having is not the answer, and makes anyone from the outside question your own commitment or desire to make your marriage work. If you do want to save it you are going about it so far the wrong way.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

whynot said:


> So you have seen this before? Yes, but in his mind he is the one being controlled by me and nothing I say changes that. What are the outcomes that you have seen with this... not hijacking the thread at all... you just added a great insight. Eager to hear your reply! and his unwillingness to disclose anything encouraged me to decide to monitor his online activities at home (cant get work computer or BB... which unfortunately is where he does his communicating).


Well, I've read it before----many times.After my SO had an EA with one of his female "friends", I started reading a handful of relationship forums---trying to make sense of it all. So I've done extensive reading of articles, and people's personal stories for the last 2 years.

Based on what I've read, an unrepentant WS will balk at providing transparency, using that same argument almost every time:

"You're just trying to control me!!!"

or

"I have a right to my privacy!!!"


There are instances where it truly _is _a control issue on the part of the BS. Especially if they are prone to _irrational _ jealousy.(BIG difference from _rational _jealousy, which doesn't usually happen until red flags start popping up.)There are occasions when controlling behaviors by the BS , played a large part in the WS's decision to look elsewhere for their needs.

OTOH, there are instances when the WS is simply a cake-eater---a serial cheater who could be getting treated like a queen/king at home, consistently---and they _still _want have someone on the side.........

Every individual story is different--there's too many variables to make a blanket generalization regarding the outcomes.There is no, "Pressing Button A will result in Outcome B.




I personally view an unwillingness to provide transparency --
(_after a breach of trust has already occurred_........)

as an insult on top of injury.Once someone has already written me a couple of bad checks, I think it's reasonable to expect verification before I will take a check from them again.

I also view the "you're just trying to control me" statement , when used by a WS ,after an affair has been discovered, as a manipulation tactic.It takes the spotlight off their behavior , by attempting to shame, or guilt-trip the BS.It puts the BS on the defensive, while the WS sidesteps accountability.

(also known as blame-shifting)It sends a message that the WS doesn't feel true remorse for the pain they've caused with their infidelity.It shows they're still deep in the fog.

If I was ever in a position with my SO where I asked for transparency, for the sake of rebuilding trust, and was met with that particular response............I would respond by saying that strategic omissions of the truth are the ultimate form of controlling behavior.No matter what the motivation behind the omission is.........

"I was afraid you would get upset..."

"I was trying to spare your feelings......"

Bullcrap!If there was genuine concern for my feelings, you wouldn't have been doing or saying anything that you felt you had to hide.How about showing enough respect for me as a thinking,feeling, sentient being---to allow me the basic right of making a fully informed decision about the most important thing in my life?




Now in your particular case, Whynot, I believe you are ,or were ,involved in a revenge affair . Which really isn't going to
do anything helpful for salvaging your marriage. Tit-for-tat rarely brings about positive results. I think at this point you really need to decide what outcome you want, and follow the necessary steps to bring it about. You absolutely can't work on repairing your marriage if your attention is divided.

And you can't force your H to do anything he doesn't want to do. All you can do is state what your boundaries are, regarding infidelity----and follow through with consequences if the boundaries aren't respected.

Perhaps you can present him with the counter-argument that I suggested---maybe that will pierce through his fog. 
I understand how you felt when he wouldn't admit to his EA, even a year later, I went through the same thing with my guy.
It leaves you feeling invalidated, unheard, as if your feelings are not only insignificant, but something to be scoffed at.It's incredibly painful---when the most important person in your life treats you that way.

.........but it still doesn't justify you doing the same thing. Ask yourself , if you can really complain about him hiding things from you, if you are doing the same exact thing.I realize, "he swung first" but like some of the other posters have mentioned, there can't be a positive outcome from the path you've chosen.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Thanks for your very thoughtful answer... you do understand what its like. I know its hard to understand this but mine was not revenge affair... it was he had the affair, then defended what he and she did to the point of breaking his hand punching that door frame so hard he had a pin for 6 weeks, then wouldnt disclose, THEN, took away access to sex period. I was turned down every time I tried during this last year to have sex. It was not revenge on the affair "you did, so I did" it was you married me and then took away the only access to sex I have, and make me feel like Im the bad guy bc he couldnt talk to this other woman anymore... basically turning the tables on me. It was the only way I could stay married to him bc he was refusing to take care of my needs (in other ways as well), when I was taking care of him and doing all that he asked.

If my kids didnt love him and our life so much I would be out of here and I wouldnt look back. Again, the affair is so I could stay married to him and not hate him for trapping me like this.

I hope that he changes his tune. He seems to want to do more things together... I just dont get it... just because he may feel done punishing me I should say sure... I would love to do that with you when inside I hate him?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Jitterbug.... :allhail: That was wise and well-written. You have it nailed on the head! GREAT post!

Whynot...I agree with everyone here who is suggesting divorce. Over and over I've seen people give you good advice about taking personal responsibility, looking to yourself and stopping your own marriage destroying behaviors, and doing what you know is right...and every time so far you deflect the blame to your spouse and give us excuses why you "can't" (aka WON'T). So end it already.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

uuummmm.....shucks.

(darn it, where's the emoticon for being embarassed?)

Thank you kindly, Affaircare........I tip my hat to you as well, your posts are highly insightful, and well-organized. I'm not always so long-winded, but if a topic strikes close to home for me, and I feel that I can lend insight.....I guess it just flows out.


Whynot, I truly, really, empathize with your pain---our experiences are very similar. And withholding sex indefinitely as a punishment is a form of emotional abuse, as far as I'm concerned.It comes across as a passive-aggressive retaliation on your H's part.........you didn't let him have his way, so now he's going to hold out on you.

I know you're claiming yours is not a revenge affair, that you're simply looking to take care of your physical needs, but
I bet if you look very deeply at your motivations, put yourself under a microscope---I think there may be an element of "well, I'll show YOU...!!!!....underneath your rationalizations.

You're very angry---revenge is a natural reaction. 
And your anger is _justified_---you've been betrayed, invalidated, and punished (for his wrongdoing). In a nutshell, you've been abused, it's a righteous anger, you are entitled to it.

All the same---engaging in the very same behaviors that caused you so much heartache----will solve nothing.It will only perpetuate the abusive cycle that's happening.Everyone suffers---including the kids. Even if you keep them out of it, they're going to sense the hostile undercurrents that are happening, and it will affect them.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

whynot said:


> My husband wont allow access to any account, phone etc and doesnt even admit he did anything wrong... a year later. Can we move on together without disclosure? Instead of trusting him again, I have had to numb myself, instead of rebuilding trust. Is there any hope? I would disclose to him everything if he would do the same for me. If I asked for disclosure, he would see it as an attempt to control him... just like he saw not contacting the other woman anymore as me controlling him... not a choice he made.
> 
> I want to stay for my kids and want the man back that was there when he was in contact with this woman... he has been a sh!t ever since he had to stop contact with her... should I let them contact again?
> 
> Thanks.


You'll never be able to trust him.
My H had an affair that I discovered 6 years ago. He immediately destroyed the emails and refused to give me any tangible evidence to support his story that it had gone on for a year and was online only. Locked me out of his cell account. Said that he wanted to stay with us (we have 2 boys) but that if I couldn't get over it that he wasn't going to tell me anything more, that would be a "deal breaker." I should have trusted my gut then and gotten a lawyer. Instead, I hoped he would see how wrong it was to not be transparent; how we could only hope to save our marriage if he gave me reason to trust him again by telling me what I needed to know. He says she was married with children and he would not risk her marriage in case I went ballistic and contacted her or her husband. So Chivalrous! So, he essentially forfeited our marriage to protect her. His staying physically with me, with us, had little meaning when I could see plainly where his loyalties lie. I had made it as clear as I could that I did not wish to wreck her life, I didn't really blame her or him ( I knew we had problems before this and I was equally at fault,) I just needed a basis to rebuild trust on. Even when I very honestly went to him and told him I was considering getting a private eye to find out for me, he just said, please don't. And I didn't, mainly because I needed him to come forth with the truth of his own volition, or else he still chooses her. Long story shortish, I struggled with depression (still do) and anger and bitterness, staying in it for the kids and on the hope, the slim chance, that he would see the light and help me make things right some day. Finally he ambushes me with Marriage Counseling, not to make it work, but to get help "breaking it to me" that he wants out. After 5 years. See, my lawyer tells me that if I had tossed his ass out within the first year, I could have divorced him "with cause." But because I hung in there a while (we have been married 19 years this past May) the court sees it as me CONDONING his affair. So we have been seperated for the year. I have never cheated on him in any way (which puts me at 4 years celibate, which sucks for me.) You know, when I look in the mirror in the morning, I can still say that I keep my vows, even if I can't control what he does. So I do that for me, not him. 
But the short answer is no. If you married for love, love requires trust. And if he won't give you what you need to rebuild the trust he broke, you are better off alone. sorry.


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