# Confused and overwhelmed



## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

This is my first posting. I have no one to discuss this with, not even my family.

My husband and I have been married for 23 years. On January 1st of this year I discovered my husband has been having sex ... with a man. After the initial shock and some snooping, I found he had profiles on gay hook-up sites. Really descriptive profiles. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. 

It took me a couple months to confront him and I only did because he asked me why I was getting sick in the middle of the night almost nightly. I asked him how long he's known he was bi-sexual. I guess it's been going on for a very long time. I guess I'm a clueless idiot. He said that this person was the only one. He didn't really have any answers for me. He wanted to know if I was leaving him. At that point I should have. I don't know why I didn't. He wanted to work on our marriage. He deleted all his profiles on those websites. We (I) tried to make sex more exciting. Now yesterday because of a strong hunch I found out he went to a gay sauna/bath house. I tracked his phone to the location. I went on his computer and found that he is back on those hook-up sites AND he was on Craigslist searching for men. 

WHAT DO I DO??? I know I should leave him but it's so much more complicated. We have a business together but luckily no children. I am shattered all over again. I feel stupid. I should have realized I can't change how he feels. But know I'm wondering if he is more gay than bisexual (if that makes sense). I have no one to talk to or discuss this with. He will not go to counseling and he knows I contemplated suicide when this first came out. I think I deserve better than this but how do I start over at 57?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

How can you now stay with him after knowing who he is? Gay sex brings such dangers more than hetero. I hope you went and got the full spectrum of std testing . 

Nothing is ever that complicated if you want to untangle things. Or you might consider separating the business into a partnership and continue working together.

Think about it as having the rest of your life to do what you want. Think about all the possibilities out there for you.

Don't stay in a married that will make you miserable and bitter. Life is too short.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this.

It would not be hard for me to leave, after the first time you caught him. 

I think a person can start over at any age, and you at 57 is not old at all.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'd leave him and buy his share out at a huge discount to keep his secret lifestyle under wraps (knowwhatimean?). Once it's in the open, you will be able to breath and make decisions. Keeping it a secret might help you financially. Retain a good divorce attorney and figure it out. Good luck and sorry you are here. 

Keep posting on this forum, a lot of good people here will help you through it. Reading other people's stories lets you know you're the only person out there going through tough times. We've all survived and thrived after divorce.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hi...for your own safety you should seriously consider leaving. I mean a gay bath house? What if he brings something home with him and you catch it? Plus look how he has selfishly put you at risk for years? It's not good. Age is but a number and I am sorry that you have to go through this and suffer such pain. Take care...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He is cheating. He lied when he wanted to work on the marriage. He will continue with the lies. He will keep cheating. 

He will not change because he can't. Please begin seperation by asking him to leave your bedroom. Your marriage was of two, not others. From now on, work on how you two can end things in the best possible way that is fair for both of you. You have no one to talk too because you want to keep his cheating a secret, but that doesn't help you. Let your family know he broke his vows with his infidelity. This is not on you. You didn't break any promises, he did. 

This is very painful, but his lies and deceit will not get better, it will only get worse. Can you live with his cheating?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I hope you didn’t buy the bit about this being the only time he’s ever cheated.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Believe nothing he says, every time he opens his mouth it will be a lie.

You have two options. Either accept your husband is bi sexual and will be involved with men for the duration of your marriage or divorce him.


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## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

I never in a million years would have thought I would be in this situation. I guess I should have known better that things would change. 
I don't even know how to start the process because I'm scared to death. I know I would get support from family and friends, but this is humiliating and I'm ashamed and I feel oh so isolated because I just can't bring myself to talk to anyone. I hate my life right now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are going to have to divorce him. You have no reason to be humiliated, you are not the one who has been doing something wrong. You cannot control who he is, and he has been lying to you all this time about who that really is. I think your friends and family will be angry for you and will support you. But you cannot stay with someone who has this kind of need that you are not able to fill.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Please whatever you do STOP having sex with him the risk of catching an STD is huge and it may cost you your life.

Tamat


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

TAMAT said:


> Please whatever you do STOP having sex with him the risk of catching an STD is huge and it may cost you your life.
> 
> Tamat


At this point you need to take it a step further and get yourself tested for STD's.

Embarrassing yes, for him, but not your fault and not your job to protect his feelings. You start over at 57 by eliminating the misery and stress in your life, and that is your husband.


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## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

This is the hardest thing that I have had to face outside the deaths of my parents. I am trying to act normal and not let on that I know where he went the other day. I know I need to seek an attorney. I know a lot of business people but I can't ask anyone for a referral so I have to seek one out on my own. Given my situation, what do you think, would a male or female attorney be better? 
I have a lot to think about and how I'm going to handle this situation financially. I just don't know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why cant you ask for a referral, is that not allowed, or are you embarrassed? No need to be embarrassed, people get divorced all the time, sad to say. It is what it is. I would suggest a female attorney, but really it doesnt matter if male or female, as long as they are competent and looking out for YOU.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I'm sure that you could leverage the information you have towards getting a very quiet and uncontested divorce. he isn't going to want his dirty laundry aired in public for that reason I'm sure you could probably go through an arbitrator rather than a lawyer as it will be much cheaper.

The other option is to incorporate his new life style into your life and continue living like you are (less the intimacy). Some people just decide divorce later in life simply isn't worth it so they adopt more of a roommate mentality for the benefit of financial stability and accept that the romantic portion of their relationship is gone, take separate bedrooms and start dating again.


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## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

Is it normal to have not emotion? I mean, I am angry, hurt and very confused but I've had one small breakdown when I saw where he went on Monday but that's it. I've not had any tears and this is on my mind 24/7. 
As for attorneys, do most of them have free consults? How do you pick one that will be right for you? For those that have gone through this, how many did you seek out before you made your decision?


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