# Sharing feelings vs manning up



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I'm trying to reconcile with my WW. She is trying to do the right things but I can't help but still feel bad a lot of days. We are about 3 months out from D-Day.

So I've been reading a lot about manning up and I've also read Athol's book and another book I can't quite remember the name of right now. You know, the be attractive by being the Alpha male, blend in some beta traits, ect. you know, become a more attractive person to the opposite sex in general.

Ok, here is my problem. For example, today I feel like poop. I'm feeling depressed because I feel like my wife picked her AP based on the fact that he was more sexually attractive to her. 

Yesterday, I triggered big time at the grocery store because I saw someone who wasn't the OM, but did have his body type which she says she is attracted to. I am not this body type. I could work out and get close, but I'll never be a big guy and apparently this is what attracted her to the OM at least physically.

As a man, this makes me feel depressed and humuliated that my own wife would pick another man over me because she found him more enticing sexually.

The question is, do I tell her this stuff? Do I tell her how I am feeling about this? I may cry if I tell it to her. Won't I just look like a weak little baby?

On the other hand, shouldn't I let her know how I am feeling? Shouldn't she know how I am hurting? Will she even understand? Shouldn't I be able to just be myself?

She is asking me what is wrong, and I know I need to say something. Bottling it in is not doing me any good.

I know if I tell her the truth she will console me. I just don't know if this is hurting my case in the long run.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> I know if I tell her the truth she will console me. I just don't know if this is hurting my case in the long run.


Let her console you but do not tell her the details because you are right that it may hurt your case in the long run. Just tell her that when you see men that remind you of the OM, it triggers a deep negative feeling in you. That is all she needs to know.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is the hardest question I also have of myself. There are times when I trigger or just feel lousy, or just am thinking about what happened a lot that day.

I am 7 months past dday. For me, it's been about the same as at 3 months, although at 3 months I had done a lot of healing. I have made the choice a couple of times to tell her about my feelings. And both times I regretted it. 

See, my WW has moved past the EA and because of this feels I should as well. And I have for the most part, but there are still bad days or hours. Drudging up this stuff brings her down. She is very prone to mood swings and is delicate when it comes to me. She is very affected when I am down. So as a result she is not very understanding or tolerant of it because she gets dragged down with me.

Therefore, I've decided to not clue her in when I'm down. My down times are always quite temporary anyway - I let the storm pass. If it gets to the point I have to say something, then I'll call one of my 3 friends that know what happened. She can't handle it, and it sets us back. It was a very tough lesson to learn.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Stay strong and good luck!


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

TRy said:


> Let her console you but do not tell her the details because you are right that it may hurt your case in the long run. Just tell her that when you see men that remind you of the OM, it triggers a deep negative feeling in you. That is all she needs to know.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Well, that's kind of what I thought. It sucks not being able to confide completely in the one person you should be able to confide in.



Thanks for your thoughts Gab. Feels like someone else knows what I'm talking about.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I think you should confide in her, for what it's worth. Don't be whiny about it, make it simple and short. But she needs to know your pain.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

For the time being, share your feelings with you closest friends but not your wife. Your wife is recovering and may not yet be at that stage where she can handle them. Doing so could make you look emotionally weak and unattractive in her eyes.

Didn't she tried to have sex with him but he only wanted BJs from her? If that is true, then that had to hurt her ego.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> For the time being, share your feelings with you closest friends but not your wife. Your wife is recovering and may not be at that stage where she can handle them. Doing so could make you look emotionally weak and unattractive in her eyes.
> 
> Didn't she tried to have sex with him but he only wanted BJs from her? If that is true, then that had to hurt her ego.


Thanks.

Yes, you remember correctly. And it did hurt her.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I am almost a year out and this last sunday I felt really down. I could not remember what trigger me but try and get any kind of consuling this will help in the long run for both of you. They will help identify what really lead her away and what is lacking in the marriage. I do not know you so I can judge either of you. But for me I help move my wife to what she did. By not paying attenion or meeting her needs and then when I wanted sex she felt like a prostitue becuase we had no love or respect. We went through consuling every week for two months and helped put us back on track. We are now down to every two weeks and our marriage is getting stronger from it


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

sirdano said:


> I am almost a year out and this last sunday I felt really down. I could not remember what trigger me but try and get any kind of consuling this will help in the long run for both of you. They will help identify what really lead her away and what is lacking in the marriage. I do not know you so I can judge either of you. But for me I help move my wife to what she did. By not paying attenion or meeting her needs and then when I wanted sex she felt like a prostitue becuase we had no love or respect. We went through consuling every week for two months and helped put us back on track. We are now down to every two weeks and our marriage is getting stronger from it


We are in MC. It does seem to help.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> We are in MC. It does seem to help.


Well I do wish you the best then this was our recovery and instead of drifting apart we are now moving a lot closer. Don't get me wrong but you will still have bumps that happens. How you use the tools the MC gives you to get through it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gawd, at 3 months out I was still a mess, triggering very badly, etc. The stress seemed to trigger a Bells Palsy episode it was that bad at almost the 3 month mark. I thought I was having a stroke at first. Doc asked me if I had been under a lot of stress lately. I told him yeah, you could say that.

And its not going to get better for a while people. They werent exaggerating when they estimted 2-5 years, with a remorseful spouse. No, I didnt tell her, but she KNEW WHY I was down when I was triggering. She had an affair, no other explanation is needed. If she asked why I was down, I gave her the LOOK.










I don't have to spell it out for her. *Like many men, I had become very beta after 21 years of marriage*. No more. Then line is drawn here. I'm done with being beta. Never again.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I would more than appreciate it if my husband would let me comfort him when he triggers or is down. In the past he has tried to hide it and he has lied about it saying it's "Stress at work".
I believe part of recovery is for me to be able to deal with his pain as well. If he tries to shield me from it, I can't really learn how to deal with it. All I'm asking for is for him to say "Ugh, sure hope this day is over soon!" or something like that.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Part of heal for both of you is to be open and no more stuffing anything. I would like to say atleast 30 minutes a week just you two alone talking. Our MC recomened once a week do something special just the two of you.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Why don't you bring this up in counseling? Not the specifics, but just how to handle triggers and let her know how you're feeling while at the same time keeping your dignity intact.

For the record, I struggle with this, too. Part of our problems were that we simply didn't open up to each other. Both of us kept our feelings very close to the vest and consequently both felt very isolated in our marriage. Part of my personal challenge is to open up to my wife when my entire upbringing tells me that showing emotions IS a sign of weakness. Sixteen months after discovery and I'm still working on it.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

No. If you want to be Alpha, you have to squash all your feelings deep down inside yourself until they fester into mental illness. Check out any guide and it's right there.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I am in R about the same time out from
D-day as you. My fWW and I share our feelings
about our good and bad days. It's good to be able to talk about them because this is a
process we are going through together. It's not about just getting past the affair but making the marriage affair proof in the long run. Go to the "marriage builders" website. Read the book "his needs, her needs". They also have a daily radio program. The author also has some videos on YouTube. Search marriage builders. There is one on infidelity that I watched with my wife that was quite the eye opener for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

I know exactly what you are going through. I have had the same feeling when we go places and I see the man with the physical characteristics she goes for and I get very mad.

The man up part is difficult. In my situation this didn't help. I think to SOME extent there should be opportunity to let your guard down to some degree. I have found that I can't. But I do have friends that are the alpha type and they still revert to more beta traits in their long-term marriages and it seems to work.

My wife would go for physical traits regardless of the alpha traits or not. 

Wish I could help more. Best of luck to you.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

All good advice from different viewpoints. I don't intend to just bottle it up and say nothing. That's what she does and it doesn't work. It just breeds anger. I'm thinking of keeping the specifics to myself though especially as it envolves insecurities towards other men. 

It's very hard to be attractive to someone when you are broken. Even harder when it is the person who broke you. I'll bring it up in MC this weekend and see what the counselor thinks.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Yes, it is hard to have feeling for the woman that has broken you. I have the same problem. 

For me I stated noticing the other women that noticed me. It was like I have been living in a cave for a long time. Then I thought to myself everything will be okay regardless of what happens. And not even just okay, perhaps better! But this thinking does take you further away form your marriage.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> All good advice from different viewpoints. I don't intend to just bottle it up and say nothing. That's what she does and it doesn't work. It just breeds anger. I'm thinking of keeping the specifics to myself though especially as it envolves insecurities towards other men.
> 
> It's very hard to be attractive to someone when you are broken. Even harder when it is the person who broke you. I'll bring it up in MC this weekend and see what the counselor thinks.


God, this is so true. It is impossible to look like the strong guy and communicate these feelings and insecurities. This is possibly the hardest conflict I've had being a male.

It is also the hardest time when you want to express yourself and tell the one person you love the most how you are doing. It's natural - that's why stifling it is so difficult. Some WWs can handle the venting and others can't. Mine can't. I hate it. But I know it never turns out well when I cave in.

Another issue is asking her how she is doing, and confirming with her that she is being a good girl and not secretly talking to the OM again. I don't think she is but I'll never know. And if I bring it up I risk stirring up those feelings again - kind of like "well I wasn't thinking about him, but now you've brought him back up again." The whole thing sucks.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I've always had a way with expressing myself in a clear and concise manner, I also take the emotion out of it to a certain extent while still expressing those emotions. IOW, I can talk about my feelings but not show the weakness. That said, I have broken down on rare occasions.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

perhaps it would help that when you talk about your feelings you pretend it's about another person. (though avoid using the third person it would sound conceited, lol)


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> Yesterday, I triggered big time at the grocery store because I saw someone who wasn't the OM, but did have his body type which she says she is attracted to. I am not this body type. I could work out and get close, but I'll never be a big guy and apparently this is what attracted her to the OM at least physically.


The only way she will ever not have thoughts of cheating with the body type she desires is for you to be someone else.

You are married to a superficial tart that doesn't know meaning of the words love and commitment. You may want to think about giving her the pink slip.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> The only way she will ever not have thoughts of cheating with the body type she desires is for you to be someone else.
> 
> You are married to a superficial tart that doesn't know meaning of the words love and commitment. You may want to think about giving her the pink slip.



Yes, I agree. 

But understand how difficult this can be to accept. 

Bet my wife that thinks the average guy is 6-2 and built like an NFL star ends up marrying down from me, if she ever does at all. But we cant change them.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> The only way she will ever not have thoughts of cheating with the body type she desires is for you to be someone else.
> 
> You are married to a superficial tart that doesn't know meaning of the words love and commitment. You may want to think about giving her the pink slip.


Don't think I haven't given it thought. It's something I've been struggling with this week and always seems to come up when I am feeling bad for myself.

Pit said something in one of my other threads that I didn't really get what he meant until this week. 

He said :



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Just wait until all of the crap you have compartmentalized comes floating up to the surface and you dont have the benefit of pushing it down/away with the single minded urgency to 'save/fix'.
> 
> When all of those tiny little splinters in your heart from the trickle truths, lies, and deciet start getting infected and that strange rose colored light you've been seeing her in starts to fade...
> 
> ...


I thought at the time he meant I would be tempted to cheat.

Now I realize that what he meant was that at some point I would start to feel like there was a women out there who would jump at the chance to be with me. A women who would think I was very attractive. A women who hasen't already broken my heart.

And then I'll start to think to myself "What am I enduring all of this for again?"


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> Yes, I agree.
> 
> But understand how difficult this can be to accept.


Oh believe me, I bet you are absolutely correct. But that alternative is to live a life with a woman that will always want to bone someone with the body type she so craves, and WILL bone them if given the perfect opportunity.




> Bet my wife that thinks the average guy is 6-2 and built like an NFL star ends up marrying down from me, if she ever does at all. But we cant change them.


I know what you are saying, but that doesn't mean she isn't attracted to your build.

What TGF is saying is quite different. That she is NOT attracted to his body type.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> What TGF is saying is quite different. That she is NOT attracted to his body type.


I wouldn't go quite that far. I mean I'm not sure that's what she thinks at all. Although I did get the "I'm not sexually attracted to you and not sure I ever have been." She feels like she was never attracted sexually to someone before she met him. I don't know if that's just fog BS or not.

But I do know that she talked about the way the OM looked to her friends. I remember her specifically saying something to them about "how well his shirt fit" and how she "just wanted to run her hands all over it."

She also said that "every time she sees him she just has to have him".

This was all from stuff she said while she was still cheating with him. It just still hurts and I'll never be that guy.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> I thought at the time he meant I would be tempted to cheat.
> 
> Now I realize that what he meant was that at some point I would start to feel like there was a women out there who would jump at the chance to be with me. A women who would think I was very attractive. A women who hasen't already broken my heart.


Exactly thats what he meant. I can definitely vouch by real life experience on that. Not that my x-wife wasn't attracted to my body type, cuz if you have seen my, how could you not

But trust me, most women are not superficial hos like your wife. No offense, but I call it like I see it.

If you divorce, you will find someone that will make you feel like you deserve. There is someone out there for everyone, and nobody out there that your wife will be satisfied with for long. Leave her to her own unscrupulous life only to find herself 60 something and not in a love based relationship.

YOU on the other hand can go out and find the relationship you deserve.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> I wouldn't go quite that far. I mean I'm not sure that's what she thinks at all. Although I did get the "I'm not sexually attracted to you and not sure I ever have been." She feels like she was never attracted sexually to someone before she met him. I don't know if that's just fog BS or not.
> 
> But I do know that she talked about the way the OM looked to her friends. * I remember her specifically saying something to them about "how well his shirt fit" and how she "just wanted to run her hands all over it."*.
> 
> *She also said that "every time she sees him she just has to have him".*


:scratchhead: I don't know what kept you from telling her to get out right then and there. Talk about pompous, arrogant and unfeeling she must be.

I think its time to give this beyotch the heave ho. Let her go after this kind of man and leave her to an unfulfilled life in the long run. You deserve better than this obvious trashy woman.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> :scratchhead: I don't know what kept you from telling her to get out right then and there. Talk about pompous, arrogant and unfeeling she must be.


She didn't say it to me. And she still doesn't know I heard her say it.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Is your wife fully on board with R? Is she is I think you should be able to be open and honest with her about how your feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> Is your wife fully on board with R? Is she is I think you should be able to be open and honest with her about how your feeling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is but like someone else said, she is still recovering too. 

She tries to be upbeat, she really does. She is willing to listen to whatever I have to say and she will appologize for making me feel that way and try to make me feel better.

I know I *CAN* be open and honest with her about how I am feeling. The discussion was more along the lines of whether I *SHOULD* always be open and honest about what I am feeling at the risk of looking weak and unattractive.

I realize the way she comes accross on the forum as I try to describe some of the things she did and said. But she has recently (like in the past year) changed. I don't know what it was exactly. It almost comes off as a sort of mid life crisis thing.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I think you should talk about your feelings with her and it can be done without looking weak. When do you and your wife have your best or most intimate conversations? For me and my wife it's
after we put the kids to sleep we lay on our bed, hold each other and talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

It's been 9 months since dd for us. Since I was the one that had the affair, by no means do I feel the same pain the bs does . But I try to really understand the pain my husband suffered, and still is. He had read some very hurtful things when he found emails I had sent to OM, and it still comes up occasionally. My role is to make him feel secure and loved in our relationship, something he still wonders about sometimes. 

When we first R, and for a few months after, I was an emotional mess, still confused sometimes. Because of that, I wasn't able to show him that I really wanted the marriage work, even though in my heart I did. Where I'm at now, is I have no feelings for OM, actually I refer to him as a POS, and really feel he was a total looser. He never crosses my mind, you get my point. I think when the ws reaches that point, it becomes easier to help their partner deal with their pain. It takes time, maybe years to recover.

In terms of you feeling that you might come accross as wimpy or Beta when you feel the need to share your triggers, I don't agree with that. My husband still triggers over things. I want him to tell me (he does anyway, holds nothing back), but the way he shares it does not come acoss as weak, it's something that we're aware of and have to deal with it. Sometimes I just listen, sometimes I offer input, but I'm careful not to sound as though I'm justifying, that in itself is trigger for him.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I feel compelled to chime in here. I am dingerdad's fWW. And reading this thread my brain is spinning. 
I am seeing what you are writing about your tough days and I totally recognize those in Dinger. Even trying to hide them and not bring them up to her, I can almost guarentee she is getting the message loud and clear without a spoken word between you. 
As for being unsure as to whether to bring up those feelings with her because you are worried it will upset her already unstable mood in the rocky road of recovery. I am a roller coaster of emotions, have been my whole life and i beat myself up everyday for the poor choices I have made in the last year. I can be laughing, chatting with customers at work or on the phone one moment and the next hopping up to close my office door cuz I cant hold the tears back. But I know that I did this to our marriage, so if dinger is having bad days i need him to open up to me regardless of how bad the punch in my gut will be. If you and your WW are both commited to fixing your marriage and growing stronger through this, then she needs to hear what is bothering you. It will hurt her but she laid a world of hurt on you that you didnt ask for so she better put her big girl panties on and do whatever it takes to help you heal. I know dinger has held back on me at times when he sees me getting dragged down under my guilt but all I have to do is look around at "our world" and I know it is worth every ounce of my energy to help us onto a better path. 
My 2 cents on her attraction to "men of that body type" is that it was girly talk and prob just a bit of her defense on justifing what she did to others and herself. The OM in my life was complete opposite of dinger in everyway. And really not like anyone else I had been with in my entire life. Part of why I should have clued into how screwed up I was in the fog. She may say she is attracted to that "type" but being attracted to and actually pursueing them is totally different. In situations such as all of ours on here, the OP is a drug! Her saying, *"every time she sees him she just has to have him".*
Do you think that a heroine addict says, "Well I dont want that drug cuz its in a red syringe"? They dont care what the heck it comes in, size, shape, color, build or anything. They just want the high that comes from being with it. That is what she feels. Its not his build or yours that she is attracted to, it is so much different than that. YOu need to try stop thinking about comparing yourself to the OM, you will find little if anything in common. He was involved in almost breaking a home up, you, I hope, are NOTHING like that, physically and mentally. 
So I guess what I am saying is, if your wife loves you and is 100% commited to healing the hurt she has caused and is commited to love you and only you from here on in, then be open with her. Stop fretting about body types and superficial things, concentrate on why you guys fell in love in the 1st place and find where it all went sideways and fix it. 
I hope I worded this all okay because I do tend to word things in ways I read different than others but I really did want to encourage you to open up to your wife, it will hurt but she will survive and if you both want it bad enough, you will be okay!
And definately check out the other site, Marriage Builders. dingerdad was right, my eyes got opened a few times. I didnt want to watch them, as I knew they wud say some stuff I really didnt want to hear or awknowledge but I am glad I have now. And I will continue to. 
Good luck to you friend.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Check this out and see if you might want your wife to read it.




Read this:

nderstanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Working and Allybabe.

Chapparal - Thanks, I actually did send this to her a couple of weeks ago. I know she read at least some of it. She had to take it in bits because she said it was painful to read about the emotional damage caused.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> She didn't say it to me. And she still doesn't know I heard her say it.


Either way, she said it, she feels it, and if you stay with her, you can only hope to be content with being a cuckold at best.

Its up to you, but IMO, if you stay, you are losing out on life.

And if for some god awful reason you do not kick her to the curb, then I wouldn't put up with her being with those friends of hers. Sounds like they support her and encourage her getting with this other man.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> She is but like someone else said, she is still recovering too.
> 
> She tries to be upbeat, she really does. She is willing to listen to whatever I have to say and she will appologize for making me feel that way and try to make me feel better.
> 
> ...


:slap:

Aye yi yi. I hate to say this, but I'm going to just the same. Looks like she has you fooled.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> :slap:
> 
> Aye yi yi. I hate to say this, but I'm going to just the same. Looks like she has you fooled.


You may be right. When I say she changed, I meant she changed just before the affair started. And I meant for the worse. I didn't mean to say that she has now changed.


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