# Learning to communicate concerns with boundaries. Am I overreacting?



## winniecooper (Nov 16, 2011)

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Well, I am at a loss as far as how to handle how I feel about my husband's overly friendly/touchy-feely disposition. 

I myself am not a people person, but he is. My problem is when it comes to other women. He's clueless to the fact that he is overly friendly with other women. He's like a desperate chick magnet. He touches other women in a non-sexual, but friendly manner, which I have told him makes me uncomfortable. 

Tonight, he placed his hand on the shoulder of his relative's female friend's back as he was walking by her. He doesn't know her that well and I felt it was a weird thing to do. She was super warm and friendly to him the rest of the night, but said all of two words to me the whole night. She then came and sat down in an obnoxious manner right next to him like they were best f-ing friends while a group of us were having a conversation. This upset me, so I got up and moved to another place at the table, hoping he'd get the point. I feel like the only way I can get his attention is with being passive aggressive. I hate this feeling. 

Then the rest of the night he made no effort to try and be near me until I started clearly distancing myself from him (I felt disgusted at being in his presence). Then he seemed worried and concerned and brought it up. When I mentioned my concerns, he acted like I was overreacting. 

He also hugs other women. I would never hug another man or run my hand on another man's back because I know how upset he would be. I know he would be upset if I encouraged this kind of behavior with other men (which I purposely don't). I feel like he doesn't value the exclusivity of our marriage. And it's causing me to feel not attracted to him. I just wish he would be more assertive and show other women that he's not available for their cutesy flirting. He's too nice. I feel like this harping wife who's just jealous and controlling. I don't know what to do. I don't want to play games with him, and I refuse to try and vie for his attention when another women hones in on his friendly personality, but I feel like we're drifting apart. 

GAH! I am so annoyed and sort of repulsed at his lack of personal boundaries with women. IDK, I just feel so disconnected from him emotionally right now. I am sorry to rant, but I just don't know how we can work through this. I don't feel like he cares enough about us to show some self control around people. 

I wish he would more openly prize me and me only when other women are around. I feel like he subconsciously distances himself from me. And then when I mention my concern, he justifies his actions as just "being friendly". I would appreciate any advice on this. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

"his lack of personal boundaries with women"

Totally. Tell him that his actions may just be friendly, but they are hurting YOU, and making you feel like less than an equal to these other women, when you should be feeling like you're way above them... (As in, you're in the relationship with him. Not them)... I hope you understand what I wrote, sometimes I think I'm expressing what I want to say properly and it comes out awful lol.

Take care 

SM


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You know what men are pretty terrible mind-readers...just fact.

Here I'm going to help you out as a man...say this verbatim with feeling. Say it slow so he hears every word. Then walk away. No need to talk just let it hang. Even print it out read it and then give it to him.... very effective. Make it a nice pleasing font.


" Honey I know that you always act in loving ways with me and I really appreciate it. However yesterday you acted in a way that made me feel somewhat concerned, I noticed how much attention non-sexually you giving to other women and that made me pretty upset with you as you were ignoring me and paying attention to them. I'm going to chalk this up to a mistake on your part as I'm sure you know I expect to be the #1 woman in your life always just like you are the #1 man in my life. I just wanted to let you know rather than hold it in and hurt us both. Thank you."

Now I would let the hugs slide IMO... many times its customary if you see someone you hadn't seen in a while that you know. Even a quick peck on the lips is ok in my book. I think where you should set the boundary in your mind is when your husband continues the contact after the initial greeting. Hugs are customary... groping not so much. Walking with a hand around a shoulder of another lady a big no-no.

Don't make him bubble boy! Just make him respectful of some limits.

You want to make sure the message sticks...have rocking sex with him the night after you read it to him... Men are like lab rats.

Problem solved. Guaranteed.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

winniecooper said:


> I wish he would more openly prize me and me only when other women are around.
> I feel like he subconsciously distances himself from me.


Can't argue with this. Maybe he needs some gentle nonverbal hints from you when other women are around.

Try inserting yourself physically between him and the object of his interest.
Maybe you can position a piece of your anatomy directly in front of his face and keep it there
Hold one of his hands (preferably the dominant one) in both of your hands. 
Press his hand against your lower abdomen or upper hip 
Sit on his lap

...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

When you guys were dating was he this friendly with women? If so, did you expect this to change or you change him? 
If you harrass him about it enough he WILL resent you regardless of your feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Sanity said:


> When you guys were dating was he this friendly with women? If so, did you expect this to change or you change him?
> If you harrass him about it enough he WILL resent you regardless of your feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel the same. If you try to force him to be something he is not, then you just create friction.

Just my opinion, but you should not fight his behavior, you should embrace it. I believe that you should have handled it in the exact opposite way. You got up and moved away, you should move right in closer, put you arms around him, started talking to him and the other lady. Showing her, and him, that you are his woman, you love his outgoing and affectionate behavior, but it belongs to YOU!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RDJ said:


> You got up and moved away, you should move right in closer, put you arms around him, started talking to him and the other lady. Showing her, and him, that you are his woman, you love his outgoing and affectionate behavior, but it belongs to YOU!


Exactly. If you put a big lipstick kiss right on his mouth, the other girls might not be so warm and friendly while he is busy cleaning it off.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Exactly. If you put a big lipstick kiss right on his mouth, the other girls might not be so warm and friendly while he is busy cleaning it off.


The thing is, though, is that she doesn't want to have to do this. She wants him to be the one showing the world that he's with HER, and no one else.

I get what she's saying. I see what you're saying. But I also think she just feels like she needs him to do this.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Not only would that piss me off but it would have happened only once in our relationship. Just saying..

I don't understand what he doesn't get about it. It's perfectly clear. Just don't touch other women. It should be plain and simple.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I feel the same. If you try to force him to be something he is not, then you just create friction.
> 
> Just my opinion, but you should not fight his behavior, you should embrace it. I believe that you should have handled it in the exact opposite way. You got up and moved away, you should move right in closer, put you arms around him, started talking to him and the other lady. Showing her, and him, that you are his woman, you love his outgoing and affectionate behavior, but it belongs to YOU!


ummm. and why should a woman have to do this? 
Maybe she should just sit at the edge of the bed and sweetly smile at them as they F*&k.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

that_girl said:


> The thing is, though, is that she doesn't want to have to do this. She wants him to be the one showing the world that he's with HER, and no one else.
> 
> I get what she's saying. I see what you're saying. But I also think she just feels like she needs him to do this.


No problem here if the issue of needs is settled verbally, preferably in advance. But the op is already taking nonverbal action in moving, distancing, and probably some other stuff as well. I can't support leaving over kissing. Leaving is a movement away from intimacy. Kissing is a movement toward intimacy, and one that is hard to refuse from your spouse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> No problem here if the issue of needs is settled verbally, preferably in advance. But the op is already taking nonverbal action in moving, distancing, and probably some other stuff as well. I can't support leaving over kissing. Leaving is a movement away from intimacy. Kissing is a movement toward intimacy, and one that is hard to refuse from your spouse.


True. Until she talks to her spouse, this is true.

However, in a woman's mind, we just want you men to read our minds and know what we want, k? thanks.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> ummm. and why should a woman have to do this?
> Maybe she should just sit at the edge of the bed and sweetly smile at them as they F*&k.



In my opinion, she shouldnt HAVE to. But if it is her desire to send a message, send a possitive one in place of a negative one.

I don't know too many people that respond well to negative actions/reactions. We reap what we sow!

Again, just my opinion. But I see the reaction as one of insecurity, right or wrong, insecurity is just as much of a turn off to men as it is too women.

If my wife puts her arm around another man (yes it has happened) I have a choice to make. I can feel all insecure about it and create negative energy for nothing. 

Or I can embrace it and know that it really is not that big of a deal. I am the one she goes home with!

If that changes, then I will enforce a boundry. In short, jealousy and insecurity kills marriage!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

RDJ said:


> If my wife puts her arm around another man (yes it has happened) I have a choice to make. I can feel all insecure about it and create negative energy for nothing.
> 
> Or I can embrace it and know that it really is not that big of a deal. I am the one she goes home with!
> 
> If that changes, then I will enforce a boundry. In short, jealousy and insecurity kills marriage!


What you just said is that if you wife puts her arm around another man, you will embrace it (so as not to appear jealous) as long as she goes home with you, and enforce a boundary only if that changes. What you are saying is fundamentally flawed. Waiting for her not to want to go home with you is a little late to begin enforcing boundaries. 

You seem to have a wife that puts her arm around other men at parties, and she has conned you into thinking that you must agree to let her flirt with other men in this way so as to not be too controlling or jealous. News flash, if your spouse is being to flirty with the opposite sex, you have a right to be jealous and to tell them to stop. There is nothing wrong with being jealous when your spouse act inappropriately and publicly disrespects you.

Getting physical attention from the opposite sex sets off chemicals in your body that some people get addicted to. In this case the OP's husband is picking targets to hit on and is enjoying the high of them responding (unneeded physical contact is hitting on them, done in such a way as to give him plausible deniability). Cheaters always try to defend their actions by calling their spouses controlling and jealous. Cheaters always try to turn things around and say you are insecure. The fact is the only reason that you are insure is because they are giving you reason to feel this way.

OP, I once saw another man hit on my wife by rubbing her back as he walked by. I had seen him do this before and he seemed to only do this with attractive women, never to men or less attractive women. When I walked up to him and did the same thing to him, he immediately shook me off and stared at me. I told him that since I saw him do this to my wife just a minute ago and I though that he would be OK with it; I told him he was just being friendly and so was I. Guess what, he did not want to be my friend LOL.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

TRy said:


> You seem to have a wife that puts her arm around other men at parties, and she has conned you into thinking that you must agree to let her flirt with other men in this way so as to not be too controlling or jealous. News flash, if your spouse is being to flirty with the opposite sex, you have a right to be jealous and to tell them to stop. There is nothing wrong with being jealous when your spouse act inappropriately and publicly disrespects you.


No, thats not exactly what I said, but I respect your thoughts.

Actually, it is rare that my wife puts her arm around another man. And thats why I don't have a big issue with it.

I have certainly put my arms around another woman and hugged them. It did not arouse me, if it did, then I would not have done so. I'm pretty sure my wife is capable of the same. I believe they call that "TRUST"?

I am not conned into anything. I am not unrealistic in my mind, I am not so insecure that I freak out over something that should be nothing. Thats just me, if that does not work for you, I'm fine with it. Different strokes for different folks I guess?

I agree that OP has a bigger problem than that. But I already expressed my thoughts about that.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

RDJ said:


> In my opinion, she shouldnt HAVE to. But if it is her desire to send a message, send a possitive one in place of a negative one.
> 
> I don't know too many people that respond well to negative actions/reactions. We reap what we sow!
> 
> ...


So does stupidity.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> So does stupidity.


As does percieved rude and disrespectful comments??


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

TRy said:


> What you just said is that if you wife puts her arm around another man, you will embrace it (so as not to appear jealous) as long as she goes home with you, and enforce a boundary only if that changes. What you are saying is fundamentally flawed. Waiting for her not to want to go home with you is a little late to begin enforcing boundaries.
> 
> You seem to have a wife that puts her arm around other men at parties, and she has conned you into thinking that you must agree to let her flirt with other men in this way so as to not be too controlling or jealous. News flash, if your spouse is being to flirty with the opposite sex, you have a right to be jealous and to tell them to stop. There is nothing wrong with being jealous when your spouse act inappropriately and publicly disrespects you.
> 
> ...


Spot on post! especially this:


> Cheaters always try to defend their actions by calling their spouses controlling and jealous. Cheaters always try to turn things around and say you are insecure. The fact is the only reason that you are insure is because they are giving you reason to feel this way.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

care free,

It seems that you may have been burned by a cheating jerk.

I would understand your feelings. But that does not make all of us a$$ holes ????????


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

RDJ said:


> As does percieved rude and disrespectful comments??


How was that rude and disrespectful? I wasn't calling YOU stupid. I thought the idea you offered of having to compete with another woman for your mans attention stupid. 
Maybe that's part of your insecurity, percieving people calling you stupid when they're not. Something you should definitely work on with positive reinforcement instead of being defensive. Let me know how that works for you.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

RDJ said:


> care free,
> 
> It seems that you may have been burned by a cheating jerk.
> 
> I would understand your feelings. But that does not make all of us a$$ holes ????????


Nope. Not at all. I deeply believe there are many men out there who don't cheat. Please don't go there. Do not ever throw me on your bandwagon of man-haters. You also have no right to throw my own story in my face. I came here to offer and get support. Just because I went through a difficult time (many years ago) doesn't give you the right to label me as a person incapable of giving sound advice. I _earned_ the right to and am qualified as a BS to see more clearly than people in your situation. Trust me on this. What this guy is doing is WRONG and he should not be REWARDED for his ill behavior.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> Nope. Not at all. I deeply believe there are many men out there who don't cheat. Please don't go there. Do not ever throw me on your bandwagon of man-haters. You also have no right to throw my own story in my face. I came here to offer and get support. Just because I went through a difficult time (many years ago) doesn't give you the right to label me as a person incapable of giving sound advice. I _earned_ the right to and am qualified as a BS to see more clearly than people in your situation. Trust me on this. What this guy is doing is WRONG and he should not be REWARDED for his ill behavior.


I mean no disrespect, and give my sincere appology if it were percieved that way.

I only offer my thoughts, I respect and admire your thoughts as well, even though we may not agree?

If you don't mind? "in my situation" what situation would you be percieving that I am in???


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

Prior to meeting my husband, I dated 2 different men(at separate times lol) that were looked at as very strong, confident, successful men. Both of them were "touchy feely and flirtatious" with other women. I hated it. But assumed it was my problem and that I was insecure. Hindsight 20/20 I'm still to this day angry at myself for letting them disrespect me like that out in public. It's not ok behavior. And...it turns out that both of them had real insecurity issues and self esteem issues and getting attention from other women made them feel important or wanted. Stupid. So, my take on this is that he is doing this for some type of attention, whether it be to feel important, get attention or whatever and he needs to quit thinking about himself. BTW, the 2 men I mentioned, all of my co-workers joked about how i was attracted to narcissists. This is his issue and he needs to think about someone besides himself.-that being his wife.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I mean no disrespect, and give my sincere appology if it were percieved that way.
> 
> I only offer my thoughts, I respect and admire your thoughts as well, even though we may not agree??


Thanks RDJ, I really appreciate that. No hard feelings. I apologize as well.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

My husband and I have many friends that are close to us and we both hug their spouses when we see each other, it's a natural reaction for us. Well natural for my hubby but became natural for me. My hubby grew up in a home that is full of hugs and kisses and "I love you" I didn't. However, since we've been together I've gotten used to the attention. His mother, father, and all 5 siblings do not hang up the phone or leave without telling you that they love you. I think it's sweet and I've adapted to it and that's how we are raising our children.

Anyway, back on topic. What was your hubby's childhood like? Was it warm and affectionate or cold and distant? Just curious because it probably relates to some of his adult behaviors.

When we go to a party together, it doesn't bother me that he hugs another female or innocently flirts. My hubby and I both are naturally flirtatious, but we both mean nothing by it. With that being said, if he continued to give one woman in particular a lot of special attention, I'd be upset. I would have went over to him and got his attention and joined them in their conversation. Doing so, would have let him know that I noticed the behavior and wasn't comfortable with it (we've had this issue before). I don't think that you need to go over and hang on him or anything like that, but you should interject yourself into their conversation and get your point across, without coming across as jealous and insecure. Being confident is much more appealing to a man.

Afterwards, mention it lightly without any accusations and without anger in your voice. I know it's easier said than none. Just say, so I noticed that you were having a good time with blank and that you spent a lot of time with her, what was that about? Give your spouse the chance to respond completely. I've found that a lot of arguments are made worse because you don't let your spouse finish their thought. After you've had your conversation finish with well, I really wish that you would've given me more of your attention, with work and all of our responsibilities I enjoy getting to spend any extra time together that we can and I missed you tonight. 

Trust is the issue here in my opinion. If him touching another woman in any nonsexual way bothers you, maybe you should look into why it upsets you so much. When I say this, I mean if he's just hugging to say hello, not hanging on her all night. A hug is okay, hanging is definitely not!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> Thanks RDJ, I really appreciate that. No hard feelings. I apologize as well.



No worries, I have found that many of the people I disagree/debate with are the same people I come to know and love the most.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Winnie,
Just one question. When you and he are by yourselves, do you treat him the way you want him to treat you in public?
If so, you are on solid ground here. If not, you might want to rethink why he is doing this.

=winniecooper;491817]Happy Thanksgiving! 

Well, I am at a loss as far as how to handle how I feel about my husband's overly friendly/touchy-feely disposition. 

I myself am not a people person, but he is. My problem is when it comes to other women. He's clueless to the fact that he is overly friendly with other women. He's like a desperate chick magnet. He touches other women in a non-sexual, but friendly manner, which I have told him makes me uncomfortable. 

Tonight, he placed his hand on the shoulder of his relative's female friend's back as he was walking by her. He doesn't know her that well and I felt it was a weird thing to do. She was super warm and friendly to him the rest of the night, but said all of two words to me the whole night. She then came and sat down in an obnoxious manner right next to him like they were best f-ing friends while a group of us were having a conversation. This upset me, so I got up and moved to another place at the table, hoping he'd get the point. I feel like the only way I can get his attention is with being passive aggressive. I hate this feeling. 

Then the rest of the night he made no effort to try and be near me until I started clearly distancing myself from him (I felt disgusted at being in his presence). Then he seemed worried and concerned and brought it up. When I mentioned my concerns, he acted like I was overreacting. 

He also hugs other women. I would never hug another man or run my hand on another man's back because I know how upset he would be. I know he would be upset if I encouraged this kind of behavior with other men (which I purposely don't). I feel like he doesn't value the exclusivity of our marriage. And it's causing me to feel not attracted to him. I just wish he would be more assertive and show other women that he's not available for their cutesy flirting. He's too nice. I feel like this harping wife who's just jealous and controlling. I don't know what to do. I don't want to play games with him, and I refuse to try and vie for his attention when another women hones in on his friendly personality, but I feel like we're drifting apart. 

GAH! I am so annoyed and sort of repulsed at his lack of personal boundaries with women. IDK, I just feel so disconnected from him emotionally right now. I am sorry to rant, but I just don't know how we can work through this. I don't feel like he cares enough about us to show some self control around people. 

I wish he would more openly prize me and me only when other women are around. I feel like he subconsciously distances himself from me. And then when I mention my concern, he justifies his actions as just "being friendly". I would appreciate any advice on this. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## winniecooper (Nov 16, 2011)

Hello everyone and thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my OP. 

Each of you has offered great advice for my issue. I am also sorry it took me so long to reply; I have been out of town for the holiday and have been talking with my husband about my insecuritites. 

After I posted the OP, I wrote down exactly what was bothering me and then I let him read what I had written. I tried to not take on an accusatory tone in my writing but instead, I expressed what my perception was with regard to the day's events. 

After we talked, I now know that it is wrong for me to distance myself completely from him when these things come up. I told him that I desired for him to be more assertive in showing that we are a united couple when around other women and men. Not joined at the hip or anything, but more like we are involved and inetersted with each other while out in social settings. 

I also have a lot of personal issues that I am trying to work through, the main one being openly communicative with my husband. I am kind of emotionally stunted in some ways. 

He is a genuinely nice guy to everyone. He is not one to show partiality for the sake of gaining something for nothing. He's also from a very loving and openly affectionate family. I am the complete opposite, so I have a hard time relating to the fact that he needs to be social and involved with others. I am also shy and sometimes feel uncomfortable showing affection to him while around others. When we are alone, it's a different story. I am just very private in nature. I am learning to be more affectionate and interested in him/his interests while in public because I know it's something he values. 

After I mentioned the touching issue he said that he noticed the other woman's advances throughout the evening and he said it was making him uncomfortable too. I realize now that he was probably just being nice to a woman who misread his intentions and then ended up having to sort of fend for himself with a seemingly disgruntled wife (double-whammy). We've discussed how to handle such situations so that neither spouse will feel rejected or abandoned if this happens again. 

I think if anything all of this has helped him become more aware of how to better interact with other women so as to keep any unnecessary drama out of his/our social interactions. 

We have talked a great deal and have both been very honest about these things. I have no problem with him having and being friendly with his female friends as long as he is careful not to show them affection. What was really bothering me that night was that he was giving that other woman (who he barely knows) affection that I covet. Now that we have talked things through, we both feel better equipped regarding mutually meeting each others needs in this area. I think if anything he really appreciated me being honest (and sort of possessive) with him. 

Thank you again for hearing me out on this and offering me your thoughts on this matter. We are both better off from having considered your input.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I would say you are over reacting to what he does. Some people create bonds thru words, some thru actions. I myself am a well spoken guy but come across as abrupt and harsh in my delivery, this has been known to create animosity in situations where none was intended. I am not from a touchy feely background but have learned that a "neutral" touch while speaking to someone will endear them to me more than just my words.

I will touch a persons arm or shoulder or back as I interact simply to make sure I am not making them uncomfortable in the way I speak. I will use the same gestures with males as well as females and have found that people are more receptive when I do this. 

I get the feeling that your hubby is doing the same thing, it is not to antagonise you, nor is it designed to upset you, it is about a man using body language to convey more than his spoken word will. This is something women have done for aeons and will always do, naturally. I think that your husband instigated that to create a comfortable bond with a person he otherwise had no connection with.

You had these people in your house and it was his way of putting her at ease. She reacted positively, and may well have returned the interaction at her own level of comfort, this made you both uncomfortable, but being a decent guy, he kept the interaction going, so as not to spoil the atmosphere.

I may well be seeing this all wrong, but it would seem that he is still there for you, not her.

Congrats on sorting it all out in a mature and well thought out and presented way instead of making a mountain from a molehill.


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