# 5 Year Long Distance Relationship Ended...Help!



## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Hi everyone, first post here..

I'll start from the top because this is a very complex story and situation.

I am Canadian and met my girlfriend in Brazil 5 years ago. We instantly started Skyping as soon as I was back in Canada, and over the past 5 years, we have lived in eachothers countries on and off. She came to Canada from January to May this year trying to get a job here because we were going to get married. 

She ended up going back to Brazil because she couldnt find work and couldnt just sit around doing nothing. DUring those 4 months, it was incredible, I mean.. I often faintly welled up thinking how perfect life was. I mean, we were GREAT! She left, and in the airport we talked on the phone while she waited for her flight at the gate. She said that she was just going back to Brazil, get a few months of experience, and then come back here to work or study until we get married. The next few months were great even though it was long distance.. we were just..head over heels, and this is almost 4 years into the relationship, it wasnt first day butterflies.. 

In midseptember she began to grow distant. Our internet connection was horrendous, and we would sometimes have to redail 10 times just to try and talk for half an hour. It was unbearable. When I confronted her nicely about growing distant and asking what was wrong.. she said that she was having doubts about everything..me..career..moving to the other side of the world. SHe confessed that she had an emotional attachment with a guy from work. SHe confided in him about her doubts for me and he took advantage of that and tried to lure her in. She was very sorry and hated herself for it. She has always been a girl with low self esteem even though shes great and beautiful, and I alwas tried to build that up in her. 

I ended up flying down there for an emergency 10 day trip and it really helped things. She was very affectionate, and after the first few days passed we were crazy about eachother. She sat on my lap in the park with tears in her eyes and said "baby Im so sorry, I remember you now... you're my man". The rest of the trip was magical.. perfect.. but we still decided to let things go because she still wanted some space to think. She said "___, I promise you I will be good, I am so sure now that the only thing I want is time to think, no one else". She ended up quitting her job right after I left in order to be away from the guy who she had the emotional attachment to.. 

Over the next couple weeks, she was contacting me on and off, sending mixed messages.. sometimes it was "Im listening to our song", other times it was "I hope youre doing ok there. I truly want you to be happy." Sunday I set up a skype call with her to end the contact. I told her that I had to move on and it strings me on if she contacts me like that. She was absolutely DEVASTATED.. DISTRAUGHT. She was crying beyond control, shaking, saying she was numb..saying I was the best thing to ever happen to her, I was her angel, she loves me, etc etc... She called back after again and sent me a million messages asking to talk.. so I caved out of concern and answered.. she was so upset.. we finished the talk and I called her back at 10 canada time(1 am brazil time) and said I was mad that she had that emotional affair, yet still broke up with me and is now still upset.. i was just angry, and I didnt know why.. The next morning I got just a sad face as a text message.. then tuesday went by..and wednesday I got these voicemails.. 9 minutes worth.. of her saying how tough the past few days was, and has been crying constantly, and hasnt been sleeping, and when she does she wakes up and cries and wishes it was all a dream.. She said deep down she wants to get back together, but is afraid of her unstable emotions right now. She says "I want to come running back to your arms because youre my man, and you make me feel soo safe". and so on and so on.. she said she just wanted to know if I had heard the messages and didnt have to talk.. but i called her that night to talk about the messages.. and hinted a lot that she should just come to canada to work on us(she said she was considering it a lot, but didnt, again because she was afraid that if she didnt take time to figure out what she wants, she may be unstable and uncertain in the future). 

That was the last time we talked.. and I walked away from it feeling like I gave back the control to her, because it was way too obvious that I would just take her back and am always going to be available. Yesterday I put a facebook status up saying "friends, heres my number, Im deleting my facebook tonight".. seconds before I actually deactivated it that night, she liked my status and then sent a "poke".. obviously to get my attention..

The past 36 hours has been the worst.. I wish I didnt reply to her messages Wednesday... my friends say Im paving the way for her to move on.. Anyways, shes obviously missing me,..and her messages are genuine. Im her first boyfriend, she was 17 when we started dating and is now 22. I was planning on proposing at Christmas in brazil(I was originally supposed to go there next friday). 

I just don't know what to do at alll... Everyone says move on, if she hasnt come back now she probably wont.. or...move on anyways, she needs time and if she comes back you can decide later.. but I want to work on us, we had 10 days to try and fix a 5 year relationship.. not sure thats enough time. Does anyone have advice for me? Anything would be appreciated.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Go local???? Why did you delete your fb page? Just defriend her. Reactivate your account and do what others have suggested, move on. You need to talk to women while using your mouth, not a video screen. She had whats called an emotional affair on you and usually theres more, like a physical affair. Look into some codependecy books. She's doing what all cheaters do and you can do much better. Read more posts here. Do a 180 and get your head screwed on straight.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Thanks for your reply. I had no intention of falling in love with someone from another country. I was 20, and it just happened, and until recently, they were the best 5 years of my life! We spent time in each others countries, it was luxury, far better than being stuck in 1 job here. I loved every minute of it (except saying bye at the airports) and get along extremely well with her family, its all a perfect fit. 

As for the emotional affair, she has been very transparent, weeping at my feet, and I have chosen to forgive her. She even quit her job to be away from him. 

I guess I'm trying to figure out the best way to get through this time.. Ya.. I understand she needs some time to think.. I understand that she needs to listen to her parents about not getting back togther with me until she is 100% sure about it. 

I just wish there was SOMETHING i could do to draw her back towards me.. Ive cut all contact, in hoping that I look more serious and less....I dont know.. I guess I had been passive for the past 5 years.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Seems like she was too immature when you started dating and she wants to live and experience other things. Move on and learn it's not a bad idea that you meet more people and focus on you. Chalk it up as experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

There is, read the 180 Thread!


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Seems like she was too immature when you started dating and she wants to live and experience other things. Move on and learn it's not a bad idea that you meet more people and focus on you. Chalk it up as experience.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ya...she had a pretty wild and eventful youth. she comes from a wealthy family so shes seen most of the world already. I just wish I could meet more people are redo the relationship with me focusing more on me during it.. 

I cant imagine how life could be any better than with her. We would live here, travel to Brazil all the time(her parents already said the tickets are covered for life).. we have the same interests.. I guess.. once you live together for a period of time then have to go 7 months without being together in person things are bound to go awry. 

I'll look into the 180 thing.. is it supposed to be used to get people back?


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I keep thinking.."Man, it was SO perfect all year until the last quarter. It was genuinely great, I mean, authentic, and she was crazy about me! Then time goes by...feelings disconnect due to never seeing eachother, not being able to talk due to skype connection.. and it fell apart and shes a confused mess because of it.. How can it disappear so fast?! I want to just tell her since she said shes holding herself back from buying a ticket "Babe! Buy a ticket!! come on!!!"


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If she really loved you she would not have gotten involved with another which is clue of a persons loyalty in the future. While dating I did not see my husband for two years, not once did I ever consider cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> If she really loved you she would not have gotten involved with another which is clue of a persons loyalty in the future. While dating I did not see my husband for two years, not once did I ever consider cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thats great, you're a keeper!

I am a forgiving person. She has a lot of baggage from her past as far as depression and self esteem goes.. I accepted tht at the beginning of the relationship, and as the 4.5 years went on, I watched her bloom into an AMAZING woman.. Its not an excuse, but she did it because he gave her attention, and she can be desperate for that, obviously more so when we're apart. Either way, I have made the decision to forgive her, and I do want her back.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

As for this 180 thing.. it all sounds good, and its what many have kind of been advocating before I discovered this forum.. 

however, how can those things apply to a long distance relationship? they say that shes been contacting me to keep control of the situation and to help her move on, instinctively, not so much intentionally. if she calls or sends a message, what do I do? is she just trying to keep me around, or is she genuinely having a hard time too coming to a 100% decision about moving to the other side of the world/marrying me?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

No way it was just an EA. They were in each others presence on a daily basis, and you were out of the country. She considered leaving you for this guy.

WhenEVER someone cheats, you almost never get the whole truth, you only get what they choose to share. 

She gave you just enough to relieve her own guilt. 

So when you're missing her, think about the fact that she really screwed this guy. Many times. Maybe that will make it easier for you to let go.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

lenzi said:


> No way it was just an EA. They were in each others presence on a daily basis, and you were out of the country. She considered leaving you for this guy.
> 
> WhenEVER someone cheats, you almost never get the whole truth, you only get what they choose to share.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the honest reply.. I'm not sure what else to say other than that she didn't go any further than what she said. Once again, we talked it all out when I was there. She opened up about everything she was feeling and made it clear that he was nothing more than a regret and history. 

Having said that.. Im looking for the best strategy to get her to come back without forcing her hand..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sustaining a 5+ year long LDR is asking too much, if you ask me. Especially when dealing with young (and no offence intended) immature partners. You had a good run, now it's over. Move on. Remember the good times, though. 

C


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> she didn't go any further than what she said.


I see. Ok forget the possibility that she's not telling you the truth. I mean, you're probably right, why would she possibly keep anything from you?

Your question is "what strategy is the best to get her to come back".

The answer is simple. There is none. She's not a dog that you're trying to coerce back into the house with a treat. 

She's a human being, with her own needs. At this time, she does not want to be with you. There's nothing you can do to change her mind, and besides, if you really love her, don't you want her to do what makes her happy? If being with this other guy is what she wants, then it makes sense to let her go. 

There IS a strategy to get that dog back. If the dog is outside running around in a field, and you run towards the dog, which way do you think the dog is going to run? That's right, it will run away from you.

To some extent, people are like dogs. If you want her back, chasing her isn't going to get the job done. 

Do the opposite. Maybe she'll come looking. If she doesn't, then no strategy would have worked. At least, nothing legal.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I see. Ok forget the possibility that she's not telling you the truth. I mean, you're probably right, why would she possibly keep anything from you?
> 
> Your question is "what strategy is the best to get her to come back".
> 
> ...


Sarcasm noted. I'm sure these boards are full of horror stories so I guess it is always assumed that the worst happened.. 

I dont want to think that I'm trying to manipulate her, but from the messages she left me after I cut contact, its tough not to want to encourage her to come back because she said that "deep down I want to run to your arms again because you make me feel soo...safe.. and life with you is guarunteed. youre the best man ive ever met."

maybe I'm in denial and being too optimistic.. i dont know.. She was sobbing uncontrollably when I made the cut off... i mean..not a faking kind of sobbing.. I mean like.. the ugly..raw..raw emotion.. this isnt a girl with experience in this kind of stuff. I was her first boyfriend.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

So cut her off, but not for the purpose of manipulating her. Convince yourself it's best for both of you to be finished, and do not expect to ever hear from her again. 

"If" you do hear from her, then just play it cool, again not to manipulate her, but because you realize it's never going to work if she's there and you're where you are. If at some point she says something like "I miss you so much I want to come where you are", then you can reconsider.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

PBear said:


> Sustaining a 5+ year long LDR is asking too much, if you ask me. Especially when dealing with young (and no offence intended) immature partners. You had a good run, now it's over. Move on. Remember the good times, though.
> 
> C


I completely agree. The distance was going to end LITERALLY next friday. She was asking me to bring a ring in december(asked this all year until september) and I was going to live in Brazil while we were engaged.. she didnt know that part until after we got into our issues. 

I agree that she isn't a 100% mature partner, she has no experience with girls etc.. The fact that we were young was actually a benefit because we didnt have such serious commitments (mortgage, dependants, full on career). I've been working full time for the past year and a half at a great job, visited brazil twice during that time, and she was having a "career crisis" and just didnt know what to do. So.. when I talk to people about her confusion i say.. 
"some would say that choosing your partner is the biggest choice youll make. the next are your career, and then your location(although some dont have to choose that). She is making all 3 of those at once. I cant really blame a 22 year old for having a difficult time with that.."


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> Sarcasm noted. I'm sure these boards are full of horror stories so I guess it is always assumed that the worst happened..
> 
> I dont want to think that I'm trying to manipulate her, but from the messages she left me after I cut contact, its tough not to want to encourage her to come back because she said that "deep down I want to run to your arms again because you make me feel soo...safe.. and life with you is guarunteed. youre the best man ive ever met."
> 
> maybe I'm in denial and being too optimistic.. i dont know.. She was sobbing uncontrollably when I made the cut off... i mean..not a faking kind of sobbing.. I mean like.. the ugly..raw..raw emotion.. this isnt a girl with experience in this kind of stuff. I was her first boyfriend.



Read this
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

She's giving you the classic cheaters script,


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Read this
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> 
> She's giving you the classic cheaters script,


You mean the part about the emotional turbulence? She has shown all the signs of remorse etc.. She fully opened up in brazil, was there during my desperate moments.. and since we broke up, she has still been appologizing when we have our emotional talks, like when i cut off contact...


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Zildjian,

Forgive me but I'm curious, why did you sustain this invisible relationship for so long?

Is your self-respect and self-esteem that low that you can't date a woman locally?

LDR's are not relationships. A man involved in an LDR places accountability and responsibility of being a boyfriend on himself for an idealised partner, without the benefits of sex, intimacy and companionship.

If I were you, I'd stop looking for ways to draw her back in, and look for ways to let go yourself.

Asking yourself why you settled for this pseudo-relationship would be a good start.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your relationship sounds doomed now. You can write her a post card and tell her that you hope she'll get on a plane and show up or that she wants you to fly down and get married.

"If I don't hear back from you, I love you but goodbye."


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Zildjian,
> 
> Forgive me but I'm curious, why did you sustain this invisible relationship for so long?
> 
> ...


I dated women locally until I was 20. I met this girl unintentionally on a trip to Brazil and we hit it off instantly. We went months at a time without being together in person,but we had many visits, long(8 months) and short(3 weeks). It's not like I sat on a phone for 5 years. I spent just as many days out of a year as normal relationships do probably. 

Perhaps you haven't been in a long distance relationship. I would assume so by the way you cut them down. I would give anything to keep it going, because think about it. If all went as planned, she would move here, we would live in Canada, and then visit BRazil for free a couple times a year. The past 5 years, although some nights its tough when you cant just get ogether with your girlfriend, have been the best of my life. Truthfully, I'm more concerned about having a normal relationship again because I enjoyed the distance set up so much. She was in brazil, i killed it in school, got an awesome job, focused on myself for those times.. It was great.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> I dated women locally until I was 20. I met this girl unintentionally on a trip to Brazil and we hit it off instantly. We went months at a time without being together in person,but we had many visits, long(8 months) and short(3 weeks). It's not like I sat on a phone for 5 years. I spent just as many days out of a year as normal relationships do probably.
> 
> Perhaps you haven't been in a long distance relationship. I would assume so by the way you cut them down. I would give anything to keep it going, because think about it. If all went as planned, she would move here, we would live in Canada, and then visit BRazil for free a couple times a year. The past 5 years, although some nights its tough when you cant just get ogether with your girlfriend, have been the best of my life. Truthfully, I'm more concerned about having a normal relationship again because I enjoyed the distance set up so much. She was in brazil, i killed it in school, got an awesome job, focused on myself for those times.. It was great.


You assume wrong, I spend two years in an "LDR".

Anyway, I've given my opinion. Good luck.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> You assume wrong, I spend two years in an "LDR".
> 
> Anyway, I've given my opinion. Good luck.




Fair enough, how old were you when you were in the LDR? We started it when we were both in school, so going back and forth was quite easy.. Over a year we spent the same amount of total days with eachother as normal couples would.. Its funny, I feel like itll be tough to get back to dating canadian girls haha.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> Fair enough, how old were you when you were in the LDR? We started it when we were both in school, so going back and forth was quite easy.. Over a year we spent the same amount of total days with eachother as normal couples would.. Its funny, I feel like itll be tough to get back to dating canadian girls haha.


My LDR was between ages 17 and 19, but age is irrelevant to the fact that it isn't a real relationship. If I had been 40 and in an LDR for 10 years, it still wouldn't be real.

What's wrong with Canadian girls? I knew a Canadian girl once, she was hot .

Men maintain LDRs on the hope of intimacy, they cling to a dysfunctional relationship for fear of rejection. They're of the mind "a half-assed relationship is better than no relationship". With that mindset, you'll never have anything real.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> My LDR was between ages 17 and 19, but age is irrelevant to the fact that it isn't a real relationship. If I had been 40 and in an LDR for 10 years, it still wouldn't be real.
> 
> What's wrong with Canadian girls? I knew a Canadian girl once, she was hot .
> 
> Men maintain LDRs on the hope of intimacy, they cling to a dysfunctional relationship for fear of rejection. They're of the mind "a half-assed relationship is better than no relationship". With that mindset, you'll never have anything real.


I think I will have to agree to disagree about it not being a real relationship. Like I mentioned earlier, it wasnt like it was only only chatting and phone calls.. There was a ton of travelling on both parts and spent probably an average of 7 months a year together, and during those 7 months, every day together.. It was normally just breaks of 1-4 months. 

I consider myself confident, Ive never had an issue approaching women, and if I wasn't soooo in love with this other girl, I would be doing right now. We had only 1.5 months to go until engagement.. and I feel like she gave up..which leads me to want to vent a lot here.. 



The last time I talked to her was last Wednesday, and during that call I made myself far too desperate and available. I didnt say anything directly but I said the words "if we get back together..." enough that she probably took the hint, and ending the call was easy for her(considering up until before that cal she was absolutely desperate and distraught that i cut off contact, according to the messages prior that day. 

Since then, no contact, and truthfully, I thought that she would at least break down and try and contact me, just like she always has.. I talk to her dad through text message quite a bit.. we're very close.. and he has insisted that he wants to be there for me through this time.. He mentioned a lot that I should try my best to fill my time, and focus on me, much like people on here say.. and tonight said that I should continue trying to move on instead of keeping my hopes up, because he thinks she is trying to move on.. and that kills me because when we talked wednesday, she insisted that she was trying to figure her life out and what she wants.. it kills that she never fought for us.. instead of coming to me with our problems, she went to someone else, and by the time that i found out, she was trying to break up, i went to brazil, it helped a lot, but we still broke it off when i left, and then went on and off talking for the next 3 weeks.. and then i cut contact, shes distraught.. realises whats going on.. ends up a psychologist and sending me audio notes on wednesday.. and i blew it!


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> I think I will have to agree to disagree about it not being a real relationship. Like I mentioned earlier, it wasnt like it was only only chatting and phone calls.. There was a ton of travelling on both parts and spent probably an average of 7 months a year together, and during those 7 months, every day together.. It was normally just *breaks of 1-4 months.
> *
> I consider myself confident, Ive never had an issue approaching women, and if I wasn't soooo in love with this other girl, I would be doing right now. We had only 1.5 months to go until engagement.. and I feel like *she gave up*..which leads me to want to vent a lot here..
> 
> ...


The bits I've emboldened should tell you all you need to know.



> she insisted that she was trying to figure her life out and what she wants


As for this, are you okay with being strung along with words like these? Remember words are not actions, without actions to back them up, words mean nothing. I'd watch this, it could well be the start of cake-eating behaviour.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Zild,

Your situation is simple. You have no children. You do not face divorce. Begging and pleading will get you nowhere. It is will just turn her off and make her lose respect for you. Stop calling and emailing.

All you can do at this point is try to recapture her with a sense of humor. Everybody can come up a plan. You must be rather good at Portuguese by now. Why not write a funny essay about Brazil? Everything you like about the country. Recall different experiences. Make the wittiest, coolest bit of writing you have ever done. This piece should include no mention of her at all. There should be no weighty references that hint at her existence, unless they are comletely dismissive of her importance.

If she should ever read it, you she should scream inside: what happened to me?

From this essay about Brazil you can talk about all sorts of things. Perhaps places in the country you have yet to visit. Maybe you want to visit Portugal now.

You will discover that Brazil as an experience will continue to exist. Your ex will be an an experience in your life. Maybe you can get it published. Maybe you put it up as a Facebook note with photos. Maybe you read it for YouTube with with photos.

Once it is done, you will be done with her, too. You can always send it to her but she will have moved on. If you should get back together with her in many months time, it will be something different. Hopefully you are not going to wait around for her.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> The bits I've emboldened should tell you all you need to know.
> 
> 
> 
> As for this, are you okay with being strung along with words like these? Remember words are not actions, without actions to back them up, words mean nothing. I'd watch this, it could well be the start of cake-eating behaviour.


Sorry, when I said breaks of 1-4 months, that only meant that we spend 1-4 months on average alone in our own countries. We have never broken up before until now.

I don't know about how I feel about the words.. I guess its because I think it IS possible that they're true, that she truly wants to figure out what she wants in life since she has been dating since she was 17. Bull or not, I don't know, maybe I'm blind, but I truly am trying to be as rational as I can right now. It just seems that the emotion takes over constantly. 

her dad says that i need to put an end to my suffering. If I feel the need to talk to her, I should just email her my feelings, doubts, concerns, wishes, etc etc, and ask for a definitive answer. If she magically says yes, then thats great. if she says no, thats my worst nightmare but at least I would know I tried one last time and would have some sort of closure. 

I ended up finding our messages from her old phone number here in canada. We texted a lot while she was in the airport waiting atthe gate(small airport, we could see eachother) and she was so happy to move forward with our next step towards marriage. She said.. it's weird, I'm not crying right now, I'm so excited to marry you and cant wait to get over this next step. and she continued on to tell me that I'm absolutely one for her and everything.. I have been wondering about printing the little screen shots of the conversation off for her and emailing or mailing it.. Perhaps it would remind her what she was feeling only 6 months ago.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You need to leave her alone, yes was too young when she dated you, she's may not be mature enough for marraige. I'll be even more blunt, you may not be ready for marriage either. Here's a girl that cheated on you and all you want to do is get her back. Even when she doesn't want you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> You need to leave her alone, yes was too young when she dated you, she's may not be mature enough for marraige. I'll be even more blunt, you may not be ready for marriage either. Here's a girl that cheated on you and all you want to do is get her back. Even when she doesn't want you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate the honesty. Even though I hate hearing those words.. 

She did have an EA, but we got past that before we broke up. I forgave her, and still want to be with her. That may sound pathetic to some, but it's my decision right?

I have a ridiculous amount of messages from her canada phone(she has no record as it was a canadian service card) and she was SO happy.. texting me every day telling me she loves me, misses me, cant wait to see me, cant wait to take the next steps towards marriage.. I feel like sending her that since she didnt know what to say when the therapist asked her "so why are you two not together?".. she didnt know anymore.. and maybe thats my opportunity to remind her why she was WITH me..


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> She did have an EA, but we got past that before we broke up. I forgave her, and still want to be with her. That may sound pathetic to some, but it's my decision right?


Of course it's your decision. Who else's would it be?


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Of course it's your decision. Who else's would it be?


Sorry, I wasn't actually asking if it was my decision. I was more so just pointing it out to some people that it IS my decision if I decide to move forward and get her back, as I know some instantly say "no! kick her to the curb and just move on!'


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> I'd say give her some time and let her contact you and then you follow up with her in full swing.
> 
> She was actually honest to tell you about her Emotional Affair which she could have easily hidden from you and you wouldn't have had a clue.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I appreciate the advice. ya, she really is a great girl, who made a stupid mistake. There's never excuses for cheating, but I know that long distance can make anyone feel lonely, especially someone with lower than avg self esteem.. I guess I'll wait a little longer, I can't help that, but eventually I need to hit myself in the face with a 2x4 and focus 100% on myself instead of looking back. 

It really was great, I mean.. when she left canada, shes sending me texts in the airport saying, "baby! im not crying! Im actually so excited about our next step!" , she was full on ready to go..hinting right up into the beginning of september for me to bring a ring...and then bang.. she has doubts, goes to someone else about them, comes back feeling horrible about herself saying "i never thought i could be that kind of person!" etcetc etc.. I think it has actually messed her up in the head. She was/is really upset with herself.. Ithink that it made her doubt herself, not only her love for me..


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She may have been wondering whether she is too young to marry. She may wish to experience more single life, not just other men, life without obligations.

Did you learn Portuguese?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> She may have been wondering whether she is too young to marry. She may wish to experience more single life, not just other men, life without obligations.
> 
> Did you learn Portuguese?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_



Ya that could be it. She wanted to know if she could do life on her own first. She had a rough youth and relationship with her mom and until we met, her mom was always trying to control her, and then I came along, and in a different more loving way did the same thing. Helped her, and numerous times she thanked me for bringing her up in life. And that goes right until the last time we talked.. she said it constantly when we broke up, and last week she was calling me her angel that God sent. She said I changed her life etc, and I was the best thing that ever happened to her because I showed her what true love reallly is. 

Yes, I learnt portuguese, I love it, but it's rooted to her so deeply that it hurts to hear it anymore.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> I appreciate the honesty. Even though I hate hearing those words..
> 
> She did have an EA, but we got past that before we broke up. I forgave her, and still want to be with her. That may sound pathetic to some, but it's my decision right?
> 
> I have a ridiculous amount of messages from her canada phone(she has no record as it was a canadian service card) and she was SO happy.. texting me every day telling me she loves me, misses me, cant wait to see me, cant wait to take the next steps towards marriage.. I feel like sending her that since she didnt know what to say when the therapist asked her "so why are you two not together?".. she didnt know anymore.. and maybe thats my opportunity to remind her why she was WITH me..


Sending her reminders of what she did and felt is emotional blackmail. You can't guilt her to love you. You have to let her go, maybe you are suffocating her which is why she ended it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Sending her reminders of what she did and felt is emotional blackmail. You can't guilt her to love you. You have to let her go, maybe you are suffocating her which is why she ended it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I just thought that if shes having such a hard time remembering how she felt, and doesnt even know why were apart, then i could remind her. What if she saw those messages, and it was like a flashback and she said "wow... look at the happiness we had before i walked away. look how happy we were! this is what i want!" 

I did have times when i suffocated her, and it did play a role in us breaking up i think. Especially in October when she began to push away and I reacted instinctively and tried to pull her closer. And then it was just a matter of rebounding back and forth, she pushed, i pulled..it was brutal. Im hoping that this space will make her remember the good times, not the bad.. because wewould need to start ovr 100% i think.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> I just thought that if shes having such a hard time remembering how she felt, and doesnt even know why were apart, then i could remind her. What if she saw those messages, and it was like a flashback and she said "wow... look at the happiness we had before i walked away. look how happy we were! this is what i want!"
> 
> *Its still guilting her, call it what you want. Something is obviously was stronger than those memories*
> 
> I did have times when i suffocated her, and it did play a role in us breaking up i think. Especially in October when she began to push away and I reacted instinctively and tried to pull her closer. And then it was just a matter of rebounding back and forth, she pushed, i pulled..it was brutal. Im hoping that this space will make her remember the good times, not the bad.. because wewould need to start ovr 100% i think.


*Stop blaming yourself and go out with friends, I know you are hurting. You need to move on, you are young, you will find someone. Look at this as an opportunity to learn about healthy relationships.*


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I am envious of your frequent flyer mileage.

Write the story of you and Brazil but without her. I have a feeling there is richness in your experience. It will make you feel better, give you some closure.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> I just thought that if shes having such a hard time remembering how she felt, and doesnt even know why were apart, then i could remind her. What if she saw those messages, and it was like a flashback and she said "wow... look at the happiness we had before i walked away. look how happy we were! this is what i want!"


That's not going to happen.

You reminding her by sending her those messages is going to make you look desperate. It's only going to drive her further away.

Look, you've started 2 threads on this subject, and you have received unanimous responses to back off and leave her be.

Yet you keep coming back with these "great ideas" to keep in contact with her and somehow change her mind.

It's not going to work. No one who has experience in these matters will advise you otherwise, no matter how much you resist, nor how many threads you start.

Leave her alone. If she wants back in she'll figure it out, but she has to do it on her own. You can't make the situation any better.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> *Stop blaming yourself and go out with friends, I know you are hurting. You need to move on, you are young, you will find someone. Look at this as an opportunity to learn about healthy relationships.*


The worst worst part..ok..maybe not the worst is that I literally just moved 6 hours away from everyone I knew. I was thinking, its fine, we talk, so it's not like I'll be all lonely because we talk every night before bed. 


LongWalk said:


> I am envious of your frequent flyer mileage.
> 
> Write the story of you and Brazil but without her. I have a feeling there is richness in your experience. It will make you feel better, give you some closure.


Haha ya, I'm ONE flight away from a free trip to Brazil! I dont know if I can write a story about brazil without her. Everything I did was related to her. All of the places I went, was with her.. 



lenzi said:


> That's not going to happen.
> 
> You reminding her by sending her those messages is going to make you look desperate. It's only going to drive her further away.
> 
> ...


I know.. Im trying to be rational.. its just my emotion overrides my brain and gets desperate. Im trying to fill my time, but it's tough, especially not knowing many people. My 2 closest friends both work afternoons at hotels.. so... I rarely see them other than the weekend. I had 10 days essentially to fix a relationship, and thats why Im struggling so much with closure. I should have never got on that plane.. If I turned around and walked out after going through customs.. she would have still be standing there!!!!


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> Yo Zil,
> 
> I can completely relate to you when it comes to the desperation to contact someone you loved the most in your life.
> 
> ...


How long do you think until it's safe to communicate? not saying I will, just trying to see all my options..


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> How long do you think until it's safe to communicate? not saying I will, just trying to see all my options..


It's safe when she contacts you and specifically states she wants to work things out.

Anything less than that will cause you more pain.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> You will get her back.
> 
> Zappy


Doubtful.



zildjian_4 said:


> How long do you think until it's safe to communicate? not saying I will, just trying to see all my options..


Just about everyone who has posted has said the same exact thing. Including Zappy- who for unknown reasons is certain you will "get her back".

The answer is "never".

If she comes knocking, well that's another story.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It's safe when she contacts you and specifically states she wants to work things out.
> 
> Anything less than that will cause you more pain.


Thanks.. I guess I knew that already. Even before coming on these boards, the first thing her dad told me when we broke up was to let her feel my absense right now, for her clarity and so that she can sit back and see who she lost. 



lenzi said:


> Doubtful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You mean never because I cant get her back by what I do - only by her coming back on her own wil?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> You mean never because I cant get her back by what I do - only by her coming back on her own wil?


Affirmative.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> Lenzi-
> 
> Never say Never. Unexpected things happen all the time.


I didn't say "never" in the context of "when will she come back".

I said "never" in response to his question as to when is it safe to contact her. The next contact needs to come from her, if it happens at all.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I didn't say "never" in the context of "when will she come back".
> 
> I said "never" in response to his question as to when is it safe to contact her. The next contact needs to come from her, if it happens at all.



One thing that has always confused me about this NC thing is that I thought that she would begin to forget me, and the little things and emotions that makes her want to be with me would disappear. In the same way I would move on during NC, so would she.. Shes not going to remember why she was with me if we go so long with NC. Just venting right now..


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> One thing that has always confused me about this NC thing is that I thought that she would begin to forget me, and the little things and emotions that makes her want to be with me would disappear. In the same way I would move on during NC, so would she.. Shes not going to remember why she was with me if we go so long with NC. Just venting right now..


If she still cares about you, and wants to be with you "enough", then it doesn't happen that way. 

Sure, over time, as in, many months and years, the feelings will start to fade, but not initially. 

For the first weeks or months, if she really wants to be with you, but those feelings are suppressed in all the confusion and turmoil, then by you backing off, and her realizing she's losing you, those feelings of desire will literally explode and she'll be banging your door down. 

For right now..you contacting her, making these useless attempts to "remind her" about how she felt about you, will only drive her further away. 

People want what they can't have. Don't be so available. Let her realize she's pushed you too far and she's in danger of losing you. Like I said, she may be gone anyway, in which case you pulling back is good for you anyway. You need to detach and stop obsessing over her so much. Nothing you do proactively in terms of contacting her, is going to help you.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

lenzi said:


> If she still cares about you, and wants to be with you "enough", then it doesn't happen that way.
> 
> Sure, over time, as in, many months and years, the feelings will start to fade, but not initially.
> 
> ...



Thnks so much for explaining things in depth. That helps! 
WHat about this perspective.. seeing as were in a long distance relationship, shes not exactly used to me being there. Her house doesnt "scream" me, every day things dont remind her of me.. The only thing she has are our trips, and what she can remember of me being there for 10 days at the beginning of November..


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> Lenzi-
> 
> Never say Never. Unexpected things happen all the time.
> 
> ...


I don't condone giving people false hope on this board to be honest.

It's best to lose all hope and then be pleasantly surprised when the extremely unlikely happens. _if_ it happens.

As for becoming emotionally strong, I agree.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It's best to lose all hope and then be pleasantly surprised when the extremely unlikely happens. _if_ it happens.
> 
> As for becoming emotionally strong, I agree.


This is what i think when I have my rational phases.. move on, if she doesnt come back, ill be moved on already, if she does, i can decide what to do rationally and without emotional attachment to her.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> This is what i think when I have my rational phases.. move on, if she doesnt come back, ill be moved on already, if she does, i can decide what to do rationally and without emotional attachment to her.


Listen to your rational mind, detach from your emotions. 

Has anyone explained the concept of observing at 50k? I'll give you a crash course:

Imagine yourself a 50,000 feet looking down on the situation. Observe your actions, observe her actions from the perspective of someone completely detached from the situation.

If this doesn't work, imagine you're advising a friend in the exact same situation, what would you tell them?

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is work on yourself, treat the relationship as being over, because it *is* over. Accept it for what it is, take everything at face value. 

Then _if_ she comes back you can start all over again. The worst thing you can do is pick up where you left off, because it didn't work out before right? It won't work out again.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Listen to your rational mind, detach from your emotions.
> 
> Has anyone explained the concept of observing at 50k? I'll give you a crash course:
> 
> ...


Ill have to try that today when i go home from work.. right now I can't even get out of my own head to see someone elses perspective.. It's just a blur right now. I simply don't want to be dropped and forgotten.. Even though I know I cant answer the phone unless she explicitly says that she wants me back for sure, I just wish it would ring so I knew she was thinking about me... 

The only thing I have in my head right now is this song that she reasd to me on Wednesday in tears...obviously switch the word 'man' to 'woman' for this case..

"When I Was Your Man"-Bruno Mars

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> The only thing I have in my head right now is this song that she reasd to me on Wednesday in tears...obviously switch the word 'man' to 'woman' for this case..
> 
> "When I Was Your Man"-Bruno Mars


Oh the memories... My STBX emailed me this song a few months back and asked me to read and listen to the lyrics. 

For sometime I wondered if I would have done as the lyrics stated our relationship would be healthy. 

When you get right w/ yourself again... you'll laugh that you even pondered that notion. 

Just like I am laughing at myself right now.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

My STBXW asked me to listen to a song - "Let Her Go" by Passenger (terrible terrible song). It made me sad when I first heard it.

Now it angers me.

In time, it will amuse me.

Practice staying at 50k, and in all honesty it's a useful skill to apply to any life situation, not just break ups. Alpha males lead by detaching emotion from thought and doing what they think is best. You may not always get it right, nobody does, but don't be too hard on yourself.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Oh the memories... My STBX emailed me this song a few months back and asked me to read and listen to the lyrics.
> 
> For sometime I wondered if I would have done as the lyrics stated our relationship would be healthy.
> 
> ...


She was reading it from her point of view.. her regretting and wishing that SHE did those things.. I guess its because last time I was there, and prior to, I always wanted to dance etc.. and we danced in the airport before I left and she weeped the entire time and my shirt was wet all the way back to Canada.. I stillhavent washed the makeup off that shirt..



WantWifeBack said:


> My STBXW asked me to listen to a song - "Let Her Go" by Passenger (terrible terrible song). It made me sad when I first heard it.
> 
> Now it angers me.
> 
> ...


Ive heard that one, but couldnt handle listening to it so I turned it off! AHaha..

Ill continue to try to see it objectively.. Id love to just have an epiphany and and say to myself, "ya man, get out of here! look how many better girls there are!". Im genuinely worried that Ill be bored with canadian girls...


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> Ill continue to try to see it objectively.. Id love to just have an epiphany and and say to myself, "ya man, get out of here! look how many better girls there are!". Im genuinely worried that Ill be bored with canadian girls...


The way to have that epiphany is to get out and grab life by the balls!

Go out, hit a bar, hit a club, talk to women. It's fun


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> The way to have that epiphany is to get out and grab life by the balls!
> 
> Go out, hit a bar, hit a club, talk to women. It's fun


Haha, if only I drank! Ive never been a bar person, I only started drinking wine casually when my gf enrolled in gastronomy. I thought Id try to appreciate it too. 

As for the women.. not yet! haha... the problem is, I would talk to them and try my best to see my ex in them, and then be disappointed. Good thing the holidays are almost here and Im out of the city and back to my home town for a couple weeks.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Oh the delights of songs....

Cannot stand The Lumuneers Ho Hey- "I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart". It's my X's song with POS. Can imagine those two getting together with that piece of musical c**p.

Tried Otherwise- I don't Apologize yet?


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

So.. just some thoughts I've been having today..

She is in her glory when she's in Canada.. she's always been so happy here, and in May when she left this year, she was so certain that she wanted to move here and get married. Doesn't it make sense that if she came back here, her feelings would come back up about living here? That's one difference that i think we have with this whole distance situation.. She hasnt been here for almost 7 months now.. It seems logical that the memory of why she wanted to live here would fade away as she forgets what it's like and all those little things that she prefers over brazil..


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> So.. just some thoughts I've been having today..
> 
> She is in her glory when she's in Canada.. she's always been so happy here, and in May when she left this year, she was so certain that she wanted to move here and get married. Doesn't it make sense that if she came back here, her feelings would come back up about living here? That's one difference that i think we have with this whole distance situation.. She hasnt been here for almost 7 months now.. It seems logical that the memory of why she wanted to live here would fade away as she forgets what it's like and all those little things that she prefers over brazil..


You're clutching at straws fella.

The only way her feelings will come back about _anything_ is if deep down, she wants them to.

Anything else is false hope. You can't force it I'm afraid. There is no catalyst or magic fix.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> Haha, if only I drank! Ive never been a bar person, I only started drinking wine casually when my gf enrolled in gastronomy. I thought Id try to appreciate it too.
> 
> As for the women.. not yet! haha... the problem is, I would talk to them and try my best to see my ex in them, and then be disappointed. Good thing the holidays are almost here and Im out of the city and back to my home town for a couple weeks.


No time like the present to start .

It's just talking to them mate, I'm not suggesting you pick up 2 chicks for a 3-way . It will help with your confidence and it will reinforce your self-perceived social value.

It will do wonders trust me.

Also, do you work out? If not, join a gym, start lifting  Make sure you use proper form though.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> No time like the present to start .
> 
> It's just talking to them mate, I'm not suggesting you pick up 2 chicks for a 3-way . It will help with your confidence and it will reinforce your self-perceived social value.
> 
> ...


I suppose I just need to find a venue to talk to them, other than a bar or club, because those arent the kind of girls Im into..

As for working out, yes, it's been my life for a long time.. I gained muscle until 217 in September, and since then have dropped to 182... Ya... I'm basically starting over in the gym..


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> You're clutching at straws fella.
> 
> The only way her feelings will come back about _anything_ is if deep down, she wants them to.
> 
> Anything else is false hope. You can't force it I'm afraid. There is no catalyst or magic fix.



Hm... I just figured that if she was here, she _would_ want them to you know? Maybe she just needs to be back in the position where she realises... I dunno. You're right, likely grasping at straws..


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Buddy, time to let it go you are back to wanting to guilt her. She don't lose her memory, she knows what she felt. 

I'm going to have to :whip: you for your own good. Go make friends!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Buddy, time to let it go you are back to wanting to guilt her. She don't lose her memory, she knows what she felt.
> 
> I'm going to have to :whip: you for your own good. Go make friends!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



If she truly knew what she felt wouldn't she be here right now? In May she was 100% about coming back. It was the first time we didnt have tears in the airport..except tears of joy because she was saying how she was so excited to take the next step and that the next time she was coming to canada was to get married. I figure if she flipped away so quick she can flip back just as quick.. She also had a guy influencing her the other way.. Why can't I influence her towards me? I am the decision, why not be apart of it?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> I suppose I just need to find a venue to talk to them





> As for working out, yes


The gym seems like a logical option  perhaps join some classes? I notice at the gym that men tend to hit the weights, women tend to do spinning/yoga/pilates.



> Hm... I just figured that if she was here, she would want them to you know? Maybe she just needs to be back in the position where she realises... I dunno. You're right, likely grasping at straws..


I went through this phase too, trying to come up with ideas of ways to get her back, thinking like "I know, if this happens..." or "If I do _this_ she'll come back" and so on. 

The flaw in these ideas is that you can't control her, her thoughts or her emotions. You can only control you, which is why we so strongly advocate disconnecting and focusing on yourself. It takes time and it's not easy, but it's the only option.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> I suppose I just need to find a venue to talk to them, other than a bar or club, *because those arent the kind of girls Im into..*


Also, be careful of this. Don't just talk to girls you'd be into - don't go looking for a relationship, or even a one night stand. Just go and talk to them, re-inforce your confidence and social skills. It doesn't matter what kind of woman you talk to. It's just talking, not searching for the future Mrs. Zild.

You can't jump in to a new relationship and work on yourself/get over the old one at the same time.

On a side note, given your username, I'm assuming you're a drummer?


----------



## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Also, be careful of this. Don't just talk to girls you'd be into - don't go looking for a relationship, or even a one night stand. Just go and talk to them, re-inforce your confidence and social skills. It doesn't matter what kind of woman you talk to. It's just talking, not searching for the future Mrs. Zild.
> 
> You can't jump in to a new relationship and work on yourself/get over the old one at the same time.
> 
> On a side note, given your username, I'm assuming you're a drummer?


Sounds good, I'll do my best to meet some new girls at Christmas this year!

I definitely won't be committing any time soon of course, I need to be 110% over this girl before I start to show strong interest in another.

As for the drums, yep, I've been playing since I was 8. How about you?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> Sounds good, I'll do my best to meet some new girls at Christmas this year!
> 
> I definitely won't be committing any time soon of course, I need to be 110% over this girl before I start to show strong interest in another.
> 
> As for the drums, yep, I've been playing since I was 8. How about you?


Sounds good, let us know how it goes.

Yeah you need to get over her, and more importantly get right with yourself before moving in to anything new with someone else, otherwise you're far more likely to wind up in the same situation again!

I don't play drums, I play guitar, started when I was 13, but I know the Zildjian brand from years of playing with bands and frequenting music shops .


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I guess it's time for me to come clean here.. I don't know why I held back info and spent so much time arguing the possibility of a PA - I suppose I was in denial and knew people would tell me to run, and at the beginning, I wanted to get her back.

The EA was more than that. She admitted in early October that she had kissed him once (coworkers bday party.) For the record.. I think a lot of us would say, well if it was a kiss, there was more.. but in Brazil things are strangely different.. People literally go out, make out with a person at a club, and just go home, never see them again, its normal there to "just" kiss. Strange, I didnt get it at first but after going out with her and her friends the firs time I realised, jeez, people kiss instead of dance here! When I was in Brazil, we had a very emotional talk and she was pulling the whole "I hate myself" crap, and said, I'm sorry but I lied again and thats why I cant be with you, we kissed twice. Also, in midoctober before I went to brazil she came home from work very angry because apparently her girl friend at work(hotel) had started a rumor that the cleaning lady caught her and the OM in one of the rooms. She was so upset, and it kind of baffles me to this day whether its true or not. I guess she is the kind of person to do that now, but, if it was true, why tell me?! It is so easy for her to hide that from me. I dont know anyone from her work, nor could I ever have a friendship with them as Im from another country. So that still makes me wonder.

After I left Brazil, she was quite a mess, and told me that night on Skype when I got back to Canada that the other guy called to see if she was ok, and she said "ya im fine, but I have to go, bye"... Now I suppose I could dismiss that last part as a lie, but if she wanted to hide it, why tell me in the first place that he called? It had hit her that I had left.. she was screaming crying right before we talked (according to her dad). Maybe because she realised that she may have lost me, she was honest in that moment?who knows..

We went communicating on and off for 2 weeks before I found this site. 2 Sundays ago was when I cut contact. The beginning of that call was small talk, and when I asked if she was seeing someone else, she said she would prefer not to say. She was also wearing a bathing suit under her shirt.. and guess who was on vacation at his friends beach house? The other guy. She didnt admit to it being him and told me not to assume. Ha. I'm not dumb. 

I called her later that Sunday night once it sunk in that she had spent the day with him yet was absolutely distraught and having a panic attack when I cut contact. I told her I was so angry, and I was done, but it is not my character to hold grudges. So I dont know, I was hoping that after her distraught display she would appologize perfusely and I would at least feel a little better and less hatred. 

Anyways, the next 3 days goes by, as I mentioned the first post, she calls leaving messages etc saying she has made every decision wrong in the past 3 months.. etc.. still confused yada yada..deep down feels like coming back but cant because its not fair to me because she isnt certain about life in canada yet..No contact since then..

Only recently have I put 2 and 2 together and realised the extent of this affair.. and its a whole new kind of PAIN! Not simply, "I dont know if I can move to Canada"(which is still valid as she mentioned it before in our relationship. Being optimistic, I would assume that after I cut contact, it woke her up and she realised what she lost, and then didnt speak to him anymore.. but I highly doubt that is the case. It makes me sick to think that the girl I was so madly in love with simply can't control her need for attention. She is 22, absolutely, absolutely gorgeous, smart, good family, extremely wealthy family, and she went for the attention of a 33 year old hotel receptionist(this is a below minimum wage job, he couldnt get anything better. she had studied hospitality in brazil and canada and was a receptionist purely for experience as she didnt need the money..) the second he affirmed to her that she was beautiful and would find someone else if me and her didnt work out. 

Maybe all the horror stories on here made me assume the worst in my case, or maybe it woke me up. I guess that's something I will never know. 

I appologize to all of you for not being honest at the start.. I was in denial and felt as if I could not bear the word "RUN!".


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> I guess it's time for me to come clean here.. I don't know why I held back info and spent so much time arguing the possibility of a PA - I suppose I was in denial and knew people would tell me to run, and at the beginning, I wanted to get her back.
> 
> The EA was more than that. She admitted in early October that she had kissed him once (coworkers bday party.) For the record.. I think a lot of us would say, well if it was a kiss, there was more.. but in Brazil things are strangely different.. People literally go out, make out with a person at a club, and just go home, never see them again, its normal there to "just" kiss. Strange, I didnt get it at first but after going out with her and her friends the firs time I realised, jeez, people kiss instead of dance here! When I was in Brazil, we had a very emotional talk and she was pulling the whole "I hate myself" crap, and said, I'm sorry but I lied again and thats why I cant be with you, we kissed twice. Also, in midoctober before I went to brazil she came home from work very angry because apparently her girl friend at work(hotel) had started a rumor that the cleaning lady caught her and the OM in one of the rooms. She was so upset, and it kind of baffles me to this day whether its true or not. I guess she is the kind of person to do that now, but, if it was true, why tell me?! It is so easy for her to hide that from me. I dont know anyone from her work, nor could I ever have a friendship with them as Im from another country. So that still makes me wonder.
> 
> ...


Well, denial is natural. Had you told us this sooner, I'm not sure the advice would change. Everything previously offered still stands.

Why are you sad for a woman that could do this? To me this just further proves that she isn't who you thought she was. 

Maintain no contact, focus on yourself. If you chase her or even take her back, it's like saying "Hey, you did this, but that's ok, you're allowed to treat me like this". You'd be affirming her belief that it's OK to treat you this way. Is it OK? The answer is no, it's not OK.

Do it for your self-respect. The boundaries of your relationship have been breached, and when boundaries are breached you should always enforce consequences. Her consequences are losing you. She made her bed and let her lie in it.

I know it's difficult for you to process this loss too, but do you want to be with someone who's capable of that? The answer should be no. If your answer is yes, then you need to get to the root of why you're willing to accept such treatment and betrayal in IC.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Can you bear it now? ...Run.

This one is too young, too immature, too flighty. 

She is not ready for a serious R. 

Let her go.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

My advice is going to be slightly different to others': go after your girl. Call her, win her back! Else you will regret it later. However ... not for marriage or anything too permanent yet. You are both too young. But have fun and enjoy each other. And btw I know the Zildjian family in Canada a little bit ( through Armenian connections) and also the breakaway Sabian (have a Tama Superstar set but not really a drummer). Good luck!


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

So, yesterday was supposed to be the day that I left for Brazil, the trip we were counting down the days to for almost 8 months. 

She sent me a message at 6pm yesterday saying "last day of work?" and I didnt reply. It sure made my heart beat fast though. Then when I was getting home at around 830 she sent a video diary that she made.. it was her crying saying she has never felt so lost.. "I miss you like crazy but I dont know what to do" and she held the necklace I bought her and said "I will ALWAYS keep this with me, I dont want to forget you".. She was wearing everything that I had bought her over 5 years, the watch, the earrings, the necklace, even the shirt.. "it was so hard to type your name into facebook, and not see you there.." "I'm so sorry..I wish none of this ever happened, but now it has happened and I have to face it"

Makes things so hard.. the videos were recording at 2 and 3 pm, then the text at 6, then the videos were sent at 830.. she clearly spent the whole day thinking about it.. but frig, honestly, if she really felt those things, i guess she would be here trying to make up by now.. but she isnt..


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Correct. She wants to explore the world in encumbered. You have common FB friends. If you press forward with your life, there is some small chance you will reunite. You cannot live your life for it.

Her next relationship or two may end and have her thinking about you. Right now you absolutely have to give up to protect yourself. Keep writing.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Correct. She wants to explore the world in encumbered. You have common FB friends. If you press forward with your life, there is some small chance you will reunite. You cannot life for it.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_



II'm sorry, I dont understand what you're saying there..


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> II'm sorry, I dont understand what you're saying there..


It means move on with your life without her.

Don't wait for her to come around.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the continued support..

Since last night I've been trying to level my head out after getting those messages last night. I didnt reply to anything at all, although she knows that the messages were received. It's tough to see the persn you invested so much of your love in crying.. so tough.. but it got my emotions going again, and perhaps thats why she did it.. or maybe its just her way of dealing with the guilt and break up - talking to me and crying an saying sorry.. maybe it helps her sleep at night. Either way, it wasnt long ago that we were perfect together, and theres more to her face than what has happened in the past 2 months.. Thanks for listening and any more replies are more than welcome!


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

annndd another video message tonight. Shes going to her cousins wedding tonight with her parents(yes just parents, her dad told me theyre going first). 'Hey. soo.. going to a wedding.. wish you could come with me. i tried calling you but..... i guess.. youre ignoring me, thats ok.. i miss you so much.. good bye."

She was all dressed up and ready to go.. I dont get how words arent lining up with actions you know? If shes so desperate that she is spending her days moping around etc, why isn't she at least coming here to at least talk?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She probably did cheat. You were far away. She was horny, curious, emotionally needy, whatever. Once she cheated she felt guilty. She continues to contact you because she is looking for closure that will allow her to tell herself that she worked on her relationship with you and did not cheat first.

She did cheat first. The square will not fit in the round hole. Her opinion of herself fell. Your opinion of her underwent a radical negative change. This is a major upheaval in her personal development. She is honest enough to be struggling.

Since the 180 is difficult for you perhaps you should send her a short letter:



> Dear ex fiance,
> 
> You cheated on me. That is hard for you to understand. You did not think of yourself as a dishonest person. Neither did I. What you did with him surprized you and now you wonder what it says about your character and the direction you will go in life.
> 
> ...


You can make a video letter of this or whatever you might want to write. You need to block her from sending emails.

If she really wants to contact you, love will find a way.

If she reads your reply and wants to talk with you about some future together, you must tell her that you are not certain anymore. You should certainly not go to Brazil to see her. If by some chance she changes her mind, let her come to Canada.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> She probably did cheat. You were far away. She was horny, curious, emotionally needy, whatever. Once she cheated she felt guilty. She continues to contact you because she is looking for closure that will allow her to tell herself that she worked on her relationship with you and did not cheat first.
> 
> She did cheat first. The square will not fit in the round hole. Her opinion of herself fell. Your opinion of her underwent a radical negative change. This is a major upheaval in her personal development. She is honest enough to be struggling.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for your insight, it sure helps. I've always been an oblivious person, I just gave people the benefit of the doubt no matter what and didnt notice little subtle hints or something.. Understanding how the dark side of peoples minds is really helping me here. If it wasnt for this board I would be thinking that she was contacting me because she still loved me and wanted to get back together.

As for the 180, I guess I only show my sad side on this forum.. Ive met some new people, joined 2 soccer leagues, got a group season pass at a ski hill close by, etc.. Im making progress which is good, and a street bike is on my wish list for the spring. I cant have my identity centered around Brazill.. whenever people see me they ask about Brazil etc, I need other things in my life. 

She sent messages yesterday and tonight like I mentioned, and I ignored both.. I figure, brush off the words, but if she shows up here, she must be serious.. 15000km and a 3000 dollar plane ticket proves something in my eyes.. If that happens, ok, we`ll discuss, if it doesn't, then I move on..


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She does not want to be a cheater, but that is not the same as being committed to you. If she looks inside herself and finds love and a desire to improve herself, to correct her mistakes, then okay, try R. 

You can always thank her for revealing her weakness before marriage. Think how much worse it would have been if you had 4 year old son and she did this.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You can always thank her for revealing her weakness before marriage. Think how much worse it would have been if you had 4 year old son and she did this.



Ive been thinking that a bit lately.. even though my heart wishes the past could be erased and we could continue on into life together, I try to imagine myself in 10 years with kids and a wife that cheated and then ran back to brazil


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

She called me last night from her cousins wedding, saying how much she hates herself and blah blah and misses me and loves me etc..pretty sure she had some extra wine, but hey, I guess that makes her say it all doesnt it!?!

She got home an hour later and called me again, but I ignored 7 calls in a row and then finally picked up. She was on skype (in her bedroom at home) crying etc.. not denying or fessing up to anything.. just going quiet and saying "___ please" and I didnt show any emotion or sympathy at all. I said repeatedly "how do you think im so stupid? do you honest expect me to believe that youre suffering there and taking yourself seriously to think while youre face down on another guys pillow?!".. She sent him a text message say it was over and not to contact her anymore and everything and showed me as she sent it. I was making no assumptions last night. I told her, "every word you say during this conversation is absolutely nothing to me unless you back it up with words.".. I wished her the best at the end of the call and ended it. I feel sick now, having confirmed what shes been up to for the past month... its disgusting...so gross.. her self esteem issues really came out as she whined about not wanting to be alone and doesnt like letting people down etc.. I told her to take care of herself, gave her a bit of objective coaching and moved on my way. Unbelievable. I guess she made walking away easy.. She insisted that she will be here soon but I said dont bother.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How did you get her to admit to cheating?

Are you certain now that if she flew to Canada, you wouldn't marry her?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

She didnt say the exact words, but it was pretty clear. "how many times do you sleep with him since we broke up?" followed by "____, please dont do that.." 

If it was 0 she would say that, because she would have nothing to be ashamed of. She said that she has just be so lonely..which is bs.. We broke up so she would have time to think about her life and what she wants to do but couldnt even last 1 month without going to someone else for validation. She left a voicemail this morning saying I was right about everything and she was so stupid and selfish to even second guess removing him from her life.. That means crap to me now from someone who could do that stuff to me. (see my anger level going up as time goes by?)

As for her flying here, she said in this mornings voicemail that shes coming for me, and will be 100% when she does.. and will be the strong valiant woman that she once was (she did 'seem' to be at one time). But thanks to some realistic friends and all of you commenting on this thread, I realise that those words are absolute dirt unless their followed through with. But, if she does fly all the way here, ya, ill give her the gift of discussing things.. but I have a strong feeling that by the time she arrives.. ill be looking the other way.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> She does not want to be a cheater, but that is not the same as being committed to you. If she looks inside herself and finds love and a desire to improve herself, to correct her mistakes, then okay, try R.
> 
> You can always thank her for revealing her weakness before marriage. Think how much worse it would have been if you had 4 year old son and she did this.



You're right. and thats one of the things that im trying to weigh out in my head right now. She shows the signs of remorse and a strong desire to change, but I think that time apart is good for both of us, as well as that it will let me see with time whether or not what shes doing is fake. 

And ya, about it happening now, that IS the silver lining.. Many friends have said that to me since this all went down, and theyre right.

Ill spend the next few months focusing on myself and saving up for that motorcycle and if she comes back around like she says she will, then Ill be in a good position to reconsider.

Just a little tid bit of info.. She was planning on studying her in Canada close to me, but then slowly gave up on it and lost motivation as all that crap went down in October. She said the other day that she still wantsto go there, and it starts in April which is good because she will have time to fix her deep issues and then be here to "win" me back. Those are her words.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> *Those are her words.*


Words words words.

Believe nothing you hear and less than half of what you see.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She is not grown up. She wants the drama to aleviate her guilt and shame. Instead of saying:

"I was about to get married when I felt uncertain about my life and I cheated. My fiance found out and he was really hurt. He tried to win me back. My lover was just using me but that only made me want to have sex with him more.

At the same time I started to have more feelings for my fiance and I knew it would be best to fix it with him. I realized this when my friends and family heard that I was breaking it off with him. They would say things like, 'we all like your fiance. You seemed like such a perfect couple, but if you don't love him anymore, then it is best not to get married'.

Some of my girlfriends want to me to leave my fiance, but that is because they are jealous that I have such a great guy.

They told me I was still young. I felt as if I was not giving people a good impression. The people I most respect seemed disappointed in me, but they did not say it straight out. When my finance began to get really angry. I felt that I belonged to him and that I wanted to belong to him again. The OM only wanted me for sex. He is really such a typical Brazilian player guy.

My fiance is a good person, the best person in my life. I do love him. I don't love OM but I can't say no to sex with him. He is bad for me. He makes me laugh, but he doesn't care about me.

I am going to get back together with my fiance, even if I have to go to Canada. I am going to school in Canada. When my fiance sees me going to school he will know I am serious about him. It seems so strange that I could go to Canada and not live with him, that he wouldn't meet me at the airport and kiss me.

I have to win him back. People don't understand how I am suffering."

a) if she really grows up, maybe you can reconcile. I don't think she has the independence of spirit to move to Canada and live on her own. But is she does that would be a sign of maturity. It would not mean that she had to be with you.

If she took school seriously, that would be the most important sign of some change. Are her study ambitions of any worth?

b) Underneath the meltdown of your relationship she may have come to a conscious or half conscious realization that she wants to experience more men. She wants to see if she can attract them and get them to chase. She doesn't know exactly how much she is going to be open to sex with them. But maybe she is also curious about sex with strange. Mostly she sounds like a romance seeker.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> She is not grown up. She wants the drama to aleviate her guilt and shame. Instead of saying:
> 
> "I was about to get married when I felt uncertain about my life and I cheated. My fiance found out and he was really hurt. He tried to win me back. My lover was just using me but that only made me want to have sex with him more.
> 
> ...


LongWalk nailed it here - I wouldn't entertain even speaking to her unless she says something similar to this, and even then I would seriously question whether my self-respect would allow me to.

Anything less than the above is cake-eating behaviour, stringing you along. Anything less than the above will prolong and intensify the pain, and to be honest, it's likely that even the above will prolong and intensify the pain.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> She is not grown up. She wants the drama to aleviate her guilt and shame. Instead of saying:
> 
> "I was about to get married when I felt uncertain about my life and I cheated. My fiance found out and he was really hurt. He tried to win me back. My lover was just using me but that only made me want to have sex with him more.
> 
> ...


Thats a really tough post to reply to/understand. 

She is showing all of the signs of true remorse, and is regularily texting me what shes doing etc, reading the bible now, going to the gym, etc etc. She called a few times last night and on the laqst call I picked up. We talked for a bit and she said she doesnt understand how she could possibly so stupid. she says she regrets everything shes done in the past 3 months, that includes drifting away from me, confiding in the other guy and all that went along with it, the drinking the week after we broke up, and the overall idea that she walked away from the one who loved her for a crap life. But hey, I guess she did say she wanted to see how she would do in life without me, since we had been together since 1 month after her 16th birthday.. I dont see that as a very legit excuse but whatever. She saw it now, it was ugly, her friends and family all turned on her and said that what shes doing is ridiculous and unhealthy.. her best friend isnt really talking to her anymore because she cant believe that she left me for that other guy. her friend really wanted to see us together.. 

Anyways, just spilling out my brains and some facts here..

She asked to get back together tonight, "Can we get back together? I want so badly to buy a ticket to Canada tonight", at which point i said, "no, space, like you originally asked for is what we BOTH need now. You need to fix your issues and I need to consider whether or not I feel like being with someone like you and also be able to objectively judge whether or not you're being true or not. In the past few months, my 'passion' has blinded me and I did everything wrong. Now, I see more clearly, I see what you did, and I will be able to see whether youre being real or not"

Just a question for you guys.. her way of proving that she loves me is by moving to canada..now, if I'm telling her not to come, how would I ever know? I guess just tell her that its 100% her decision..


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Zildjian, I think I said this before. You both are too young to be contemplating a steady relationship. She is definitely too immature and as has been said here already, of course she needed to experience other guys, flirting, dating etc. This does not mean that you should not see each other but should understand that at least one of you is not ready to settle down.

Now, on the other hand if this whole episode has truly shown her that she wants to be with you, then maybe you should consider going steady. I believe that you are more mature than her in this relationship. Therefore you would need to assess whether she is ready or not.

I do believe that she loves you but maybe she did not love you enough before. There is a lot of open and honest discussion to be had before you know if she is ready and most of this is going to be painful and she has to really feel safe in being honest with you. Questions like "how can you know if you are ready to just be with me when you haven't experienced enough other relationships" are going to dive into topics like sexual experiences, being bored and curious later on in life, whether monogamy really makes sense for you both etc. You need to really delve deep into these discussions if you are planning to have a steady relationship leading to marriage. Else, you can opt to carry on and have this discussion later on when she has had time to think about this and even experience some of the boredom, ups and downs etc.

I am not saying that you two should not be together - quite the opposite. I think that you should give it another shot because there is a lot of emotion, passion and love involved here. I can sense this from just what you have said. So go get her, have this discussion and arrive at a balanced conclusion and then decide what to do next.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You were together long enough for the intense sort of in love infatuation to weaken. In that place a couple needs a more mature sort of love. 

She went for another guy because she is young, curious and unprincipled. 

You can tell her that marriage requires discipline and commitment. Boredom is part of life. Whomever she marries will be unable keep her diverted all the time.

You communicate with rather a lot now. Is that helping you to understand her better?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Zildjian, any updates ? How are you doing ?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How does 2014 look so far?


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Wow.. I'm back here again.

I got the email notifications that more people replied to my threads but found that being on here made me think about it too much so I stayed away to move on. I'll try and give a quick recap of spring this far.. and some of you may just roll off your chair.

I spent until the end of February probably trying to convince her to come to Canada to start over. Occasionally I would get frustrated and say well then lets just cut this off, its doing us no good talking if nothing will happen. But we never did stop talking. We talked all spring, and she went to Europe with her mom to visit her sister in late April. 

When she got back from her 2 week trip, she immediately called me and said she knows EXACTLY what she wants and was looking at plane tickets. It just so happens that I had been slowly drifting away, and had met a girl at my church that day exactly. It wasn't anything serious, but she was gorgeous and attractive so it was a distraction. I asked Paula why she took so long to come back and if she came back a few weeks earlier id be more open to it.. but it was too late for me at the time. She cried and begged me to let her come here so we could start over and eventually get married. 

The time passed after that with her texting me quite often, sending pics whenever she dressed up.. told me she loved me consistently but I just wasn't in the mood to return it. i didn't even know what I was feeling, apparently I needed some quite time to think to myself without her.

1 month ago she started to fade away. and heres the emotional part me..very hard to write. I was a little bit relieved that I wasn't getting lots of calls anymore, but realized I did miss her. She was still occasionally texting and send pics. 2 weeks go by, and I'm starting to seriously consider what I had with this girl. I decided clearly in my head that I wanted to be with her and contacted her on JUNE 11. She said she was moving on with her life and it is without me. She was very respectful, apologized for the timing etc, and said goodbye. I was shocked and replied asking what happened and if I could call and she proceeded to say just let me move on with my life. I said, that just doesn't sound like you, this isn't adding up. And she said, "I have to, I've met someone else", which I replied to, "but you're not even over me yet", "I'm happy with someone else". We continued back and forth and I was basically pleading with her once again(Ill never learn apparently).. She keeps insisting that we can't work anymore etc and wishes me the best with my career, and finding someone special to make new dreams with. Over this past monday th 16th, I sent a few messages trying to get her to turn around again, and she said bluntly "leave me alone", and then called 1 minute later saying sorry, I don't know how to do this.. we need to stop and I feel like if Im not harsh, you'll keep pursuing me. So we talked and basically ended it. That was monday night.. the hardest day of my life since the first breakup. 


I'm just broken down with the timing of this all. I was so distant the past 2 months, I didn't reply much, ignored some of her texts(not bitterly), and showed absolutely zero interest. She did a Skype interview and got accepted at a university 1 hour from me 2 weeks ago.. She told me 2 days ago that she emailed them to cancel it.. I feel like if I had been more available the past couple months I wouldn't be in this situation. I don't even know what to say, I'm just trying to process it all.. 

The no contact stuff doesn't apply here i don't believe.. I've basically done that for 2 months, and too long, and thats what lost her. 

Any any any advice? I had my space, and decided rationally(without my waves of emotion) that she is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> Wow.. I'm back here again.
> 
> I got the email notifications that more people replied to my threads but found that being on here made me think about it too much so I stayed away to move on. I'll try and give a quick recap of spring this far.. and some of you may just roll off your chair.
> 
> ...


Why does there have to be a "one?" 

This is a serious case of "oneitis"http://therationalmale.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/ you have. This has kept you stuck for years. Her words and actions are matching. Capitalize on this moment: She's telling you exactly what she means: She said goodbye and she's seeing someone. Let. Her. Go. This isn't a disney movie, brother. That kind of stuff doesn't exist in the real world. You've been conditioned that it does, and that's why you're setting your mind on chasing her. 

I recommend not chasing after her and pursuing local women that you can actually have a relationship with - not this long distance relationship stuff. 

Obviously not what you want to hear, but my 2 cents.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She just wasn't that into you, she found someone else pretty fast.
You seem to have gotten good advice the first time around. 

This will sound harsh: you need to find some dignity and move on. You will do better and find someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Zildjian,

Wondered where you went, but this played out as expected. The distance between your became a major obstacle and the two of you played hot and cold. Why? In the back of your heads both of you have a rational voice objecting to the relationship. Her battle was between the idea of the marriage to the wonderful exotic caring Canadian man – you didn't know there was such a being, did you?

But she also had to choose Canada and a new life. She may have felt uncomfortable leaving home or at least had mixed feelings.

Finally, she want to be chased by other men for romantic adventure. She may also have gotten curious about sex. What sort of guys can she attract? How are they in bed?

You didn't want her back because you no longer trust her. So every time she got hot, you got cold. Even if you had told her to come after the European trip, she might not have. So don't agonize over the missed opportunity.

Anyway, you took her virginity. She'll look you up again in 10 years time, once she gets tired of whatever guy she marries.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

zildjian_4 said:


> Any any any advice? I had my space, and decided rationally(without my waves of emotion) that she is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with.


Individual counseling. Lots and lots and lots of Individual Counseling.

This whole "I'll ignore her until she stops paying attention to me" thing is one of the strongest indicators that you are not ready for a serious relationship that I can think of.

If you don't want to do counseling, then for God's sake, go out and find yourself a different girlfriend.

And follow that link helolover provided. Good perspective in there....


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

helolover said:


> Why does there have to be a "one?"
> 
> This is a serious case of "oneitis"There is no One. | you have. This has kept you stuck for years. Her words and actions are matching. Capitalize on this moment: She's telling you exactly what she means: She said goodbye and she's seeing someone. Let. Her. Go. This isn't a disney movie, brother. That kind of stuff doesn't exist in the real world. You've been conditioned that it does, and that's why you're setting your mind on chasing her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. I'll try to absorb it and use it. I suppose one of the hardest parts of letting her go is also letting go of all that comes with her- a life time of brazil visits to people i consider family.



mablenc said:


> She just wasn't that into you, she found someone else pretty fast.
> You seem to have gotten good advice the first time around.
> 
> This will sound harsh: you need to find some dignity and move on. You will do better and find someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks again. I don't know if she found someone else so fast.. I just spent an hour going back through the messages trying to see where I turned off..and it was a while ago actually..like 2 months for sure. But thanks for being blunt with me, I guess I need to hear that.



LongWalk said:


> Zildjian,
> 
> Wondered where you went, but this played out as expected. The distance between your became a major obstacle and the two of you played hot and cold. Why? In the back of your heads both of you have a rational voice objecting to the relationship. Her battle was between the idea of the marriage to the wonderful exotic caring Canadian man – you didn't know there was such a being, did you?
> 
> ...


I dont understand though why I got so cold. Like, I just read through 2 months of messages, and I was DULL! like non-existent.. she would send voice recordings crying and saying she loved me and is starting new etc.. and i would IGNORE them! That is NOT me. I'm never vengeful, its just not in me. I don't even recognize the guy sending the messages that I'm reading here..

I felt numb when she came back.. I didn't feel anything, I remember saying that. I just.. I'm speechless right now.. so confused..


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Update: I called her early this morning when she was in bed to tie things off a little better. Last time we talked I was distraught and if anything, that memory of me would only push her further away and give her another reason to stay away.

The call started well, I told her that I respected her decision and that its important to me that she does what she needs to in time. I also told her to ignore the long letter that I had already mailed on Monday. She ended up dragging out the conversation for half an hour and talking about the world cup(she's brazilian). She talked about seeing other people and I told her I took her advice and set something up with someone this weekend. She was shocked, although she didn't express it right away.. asked what she looks like, said "I know we're not together but I admit I'm jealous", and continued on to mention how she still has feelings for me but perhaps seeing other people will help distract us. 

Anyways, I kept my cool throughout the call, she showed more emotion to be honest. In fact while we were talking about the cup and stuff she had a few moments where she just start giggling like crazy..obviously not too upset to be talking to me. 

We ended the call on more serious terms, she thanked me for respecting her space and thought it was still needed. As for me, I guess you're all right.. she isn't mature enough yet to consider marrying. Maybe someday.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Yet another update from me... Still glancing through the snapshots of my screen that I took from last night. SO MANY times she came pleading, crying, saying she was sorry and wanted to come back, expressing shock that I didnt even want her at all.. Yet at that time I just ignored it and shrugged it off. It's almost like I used it for an ego boost.. it doesnt seem real. I had it all in my hand and I let it slip through my fingers!!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Got a story for ya Zild..... guy 16, girl 15, met in '87...on vacation, love at 

first sight. Lived 400 miles apart....well, time and distance slowly eroded things.

Broke up (keep in mind, the forms of communication back then) and...

moved on. Kept in touch several years....just as friends, maybe 

once every three months. Several years pass and they have opportunity

to rekindle. The key is... both moved on. There may be something

down the road but for the "here and now" you must march on.

I question her choice to return home from finding no work

What did she mean "no work?" No jobs period or no jobs paying

mega bucks? When you love someone... being together is the

main thing. Income from a job is secondary. After residence is 

established, then.... seek maybe a higher paying job.

I read the first page and came here, my apologies if I 

have missed something.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Got a story for ya Zild..... guy 16, girl 15, met in '87...on vacation, love at
> 
> first sight. Lived 400 miles apart....well, time and distance slowly eroded things.
> 
> ...


Thanks for those words chuck. Shes young and just beginning her career, she wanted anything to allow her to stay here in Canada with me until she studied. The key was that it had to relate to her field of study(hspitality) so that she could study here in the fall or this spring. She applied to dozens of bakeries, hotels, etc, bt just had no luck. Its too easy for them to find canadian workers and hiring a foreign worker is crazy complicated unfortunately..had a few interviews but as soon as they knew she was foreign and had to apply for a visa the mood changed. 

I think youre right about moving on and rekindling later if the opportunity arises.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I am guessing work visas are a pain in the arse to obtain for Canada.

Winters in Canada, for all I know, can shut down a city for four months

I live near the Smoky Mountains, we have tourists galore from May to

October. I am glad the post helped you, the two people, Mike and

Angie did rekindle things... in a way. But it shows, right time and right

situation when they met but right time, wrong location afterwards


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Ya theyre a pain in the butt for getting visas. If that had worked out though she would have stayed here last fall, likely never had broken up, and she would be moving here as we speak for studies.

edit: Winter doesnt really shut down cities unless you get a ridiculous amount of snow. Parts of the states actually get colder winters and more snow than we do up here. Gotta tough it out! and for some really strange reason, she always loved the cold! (and not just for 2 weeks at a time, I mean, she stayed all winter and enjoyed it til the end)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The reason you went cold on her is that you were p!ssed off at her. At a deeper level your cortex and liminal brain united to block her out. You know she is not marriage material at this point in her life. Heart ache, yes. A steady wife, no.

Break off the contact to get rid of oneitis.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If you are familiar with the US, I am in Chattanooga. When we get a

light dusting, the city shuts down. This was not the case years ago.

When I grew up in the 70's it was northing to have snows of four or 

more inches 7-8 times a year. Snow from Oct-Mar was normal.

Now, from 1998 to 2009 we had nothing but a few flurries and 

nothing stuck. Since then we have had three snows of over ten.

One period in late '10 to early '11, we had a snow, flood, snow

within two weeks. Temps in week in-between were 75, week before

and after were in teens


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> The reason you went cold on her is that you were p!ssed off at her. At a deeper level your cortex and liminal brain united to block her out. You know she is not marriage material at this point in her life. Heart ache, yes. A steady wife, no.
> 
> Break off the contact to get rid of oneitis.


I guess so. Even at the time it was something I couldnt put my finger on. All of the messages that I sent her after she came back in response to her begging to come here were "babe, you need to take care of yourself. Fix these issues, become confident in yourself, and then maybe we have a future".. unfortunately she didnt do that, drifting away, and now met someone else.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> If you are familiar with the US, I am in Chattanooga. When we get a
> 
> light dusting, the city shuts down. This was not the case years ago.
> 
> ...



Wow thats interesting..crazy how the climate is changing(Im one of the ones who believes it shifting, not warming)


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

i think my friend from work hit the nail on the head about the phone call this morning.. 
"she showed emotion, she said that she still has feelings for me.. she said she was jealous, yet still needs space. The only reason she wants space right now is because shes entertaining the idea of another man and is curious to see what its like. if that doesnt work then she'll come running back, I guarantee it."


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

as a child, before I was placed on medication, I would study the 

Canadian provinces of Yukon and Northwestern Territories. I found

a passion for Alert as well. It seems if you wish to avoid the harsh 

winters, in Canada, you have to move to British Columbia or Nova

Scotia. Lots of interesting history there, gold rushes....etc


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Ya agreed, BC is pretty mild compared to the rest of canada. As for the East coast.. they got hit the worst this winter. Anyways though, I don't wanna highjack my own thread haha.


I just keep reading my replies to her when she was trying to convince me to come back.. it just absolutely baffles me. How did I not let her come? I felt it right up until she said she wanted to come back, and then I do again now, yet for the important gap in between I did not. It makes absolutely 0 sense to me. 0. and its frustrating.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I don't know why but I got the box of her things out this evening.. It all came rushing back and hit me SO HARD. I just couldn't resist opening it... I cried for a while and yelled, and then put it away..left the house for a drive..and Im here now just hoping that tomorrow morning Ill wake up feeling the same way I have fr the last 2 months(not caring about her so much)


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She cheated on you!!! That's why you didn't take her back. 

Come one, you need to find your dignity and stop obsessing over her. I don't mean to be so blunt but re-read your post and imagine it was not you, but a friend. What would you tell him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I appreciate you being so blunt, I really do.

I would tell my friend to move on. However, telling myself that is a whole new thing because its a lot easier to say than do. I guess it is true - I have oneitis. I have no problem forgetting the mistakes of the past and optimistically look into the future. I suppose that could get me in some big trouble some day. I am trying to be realistic here, I'm trying hard to see the reality. 

So many positives come with this girl. Ignoring the cheating last fall and how she was so indecisive in the spring, she has been amazing. She is the most caring girl I have ever met. She is generous and always willing to sacrifice her time or things for others. She lives in Brazil - this is huge for me. I LOVE the brazilian culture and being married would have us living in the great canadian economy, safe and sound, and travelling to brazil every year to visit family(money isn't an issue) and spend our vacations at her parents beach house, not some resort. I know thats kind of a material thing that I shouldn't pay attention to, but it has a grasp on me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

you are focusing on the wonderful things you "might" miss

there are many stories here in CWI about trusting their spouse

blindly. Check a few of them out


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can easily have another Brazilian woman. The country is populous.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I still cant get my head around it. Came across an email from her on last monday, June the 9th, that was saying how much she missed me.. then I went back to her June the 13th, 4 days later, and she suddenly had her mind absolutely set on moving on.. 

For someone so indecisive, I just dont understand it. I just want to be able to tell her..."baby, I'm sorry that I was so ignoraant to you, I was hurt from the past few months, numb to everything. I wish I realised what was happening when you were telling me you were moving on, but also when you were telling me that you miss me".. I should have responding 110% differently. if I had, i wouldnt be in this mess right now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating women! Yes, guys do this 

too. Appears she can talk the talk but not walk the walk


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Apparently so...

So today I was thinking. When people are evaluating someone for marriage they are together, thats the point of dating..right? So, how can someone decide if they want to be with someone that they have seen for 8 months? I find even with myself, theres my Skype gf, and real life gf..same person, but its easy for them to get detached with time you know?

Ive been thinking about flying down there in a few weeks once the cup is over and surprising her... I'm asking a few mutual friends if she actually has someone else. If she does, then Ill respect that and not go. If she doesn't.. I'd casually show up and see what her reaction would be. After tuesdays call, I don't think it would be too negative! In fact, she may melt like last time..


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Wow, she told you to stop contacting you and now you want to surprise her? What is it going to take a restraining order? You are either going down the creepy or desperate path, both are not good. Since you ignore all advice good luck, if she takes you back I hope you understand she's lost all respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Wow, she told you to stop contacting you and now you want to surprise her? What is it going to take a restraining order? You are either going down the creepy or desperate path, both are not good. Since you ignore all advice good luck, if she takes you back I hope you understand she's lost all respect for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the reply. If i could just apply all the advice I get instantly I would probably be doing a lot better off right now! BUT, I have these emotions, and theres lots of conflicts in my head as to what to do because some people tell me one thing, and my mind or heart tell me another. 

I'm the closest person to her in her life, she hasn't seen me in 8 months. I highly doubt she would be upset to see me. It was only monday she confessed she still had feelings. Of course she's trying to move on now though, she barely remembers how I am in real life. Its been over a year since I saw her with the exception of the 10 days last November. 

Why do you think she's lost all respect for me?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

zildjian_4 said:


> Apparently so...
> 
> So today I was thinking. When people are evaluating someone for marriage they are together, thats the point of dating..right? So, how can someone decide if they want to be with someone that they have seen for 8 months? I find even with myself, theres my Skype gf, and real life gf..same person, but its easy for them to get detached with time you know?
> 
> Ive been thinking about flying down there in a few weeks once the cup is over and surprising her... I'm asking a few mutual friends if she actually has someone else. If she does, then Ill respect that and not go. If she doesn't.. I'd casually show up and see what her reaction would be. After tuesdays call, I don't think it would be too negative! In fact, she may melt like last time..


My advice... Work on your dignity. Find a local woman. Let her come to you, if that's what she wants. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Thanks Pbear. 

Honest question, why does everyone assume I have no dignity? As far as the distance goes, I'm fine with it as it's just something temporary.

As for her coming to me.. she won't even remember in a few months time.. at least thats what I think.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

zildjian_4 said:


> Thanks Pbear.
> 
> Honest question, why does everyone assume I have no dignity? As far as the distance goes, I'm fine with it as it's just something temporary.
> 
> As for her coming to me.. she won't even remember in a few months time.. at least thats what I think.


I dunno... Maybe because you're planning on spending a bunch of money to fly thousands of kilometers to "drop in" on a woman who dumped you, but might have some kinda feelings for you. But obviously her feelings aren't strong enough for her do do much the other way. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

PBear said:


> I dunno... Maybe because you're planning on spending a bunch of money to fly thousands of kilometers to "drop in" on a woman who dumped you, but might have some kinda feelings for you. But obviously her feelings aren't strong enough for her do do much the other way.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So I'm going to fight for her..? I did the whole 180 thing this year already.. it worked..she came back.. I wasn't ready, and then she began moving on.. now that I'm ready, I'm catching the tail end of it. I want her so I'm considering going to improve my chances.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

zildjian_4 said:


> So I'm going to fight for her..? I did the whole 180 thing this year already.. it worked..she came back.. I wasn't ready, and then she began moving on.. now that I'm ready, I'm catching the tail end of it. I want her so I'm considering going to improve my chances.


Knock yourself out. Enjoy the ride. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Any other thoughts out there?


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I'm slowly figuring this out and remembering what happened to me. I remember in late February when I gave up asking her to come to canada, I said to her "it feels like the pain is setting in"... I wasn't always as happy anymore and she was concerned what was wrong.. That was the time when I said "it's finally sinking in I think". I did feel pain, and talking didn't help a lot. I felt an anger too at that time. That's why I went quiet and wasn't so responsive to her anymore. I told her I needed space.. I remember her asking in April "am I doing a good job giving you space?", and "I promise one day you will tell me you love me again". With that time, I focused on myself. It wasn't until the last few weeks that I lost that resentment and felt love again. 
It's just that it's finally making sense to me now. The unfortunate part is that I wasn't able to explain it to her last weekend, unfortunately based on her comments to me, I won't be able to explain it. In my head it's like a little kid yelling "hey! I'm back! I was just hurt and needed time to heal!"


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I related, when I was younger and still today, the contemplation

of a LTR / M to this point...."Would you want her with you in a 

foxhole if a band of guerrilla fighters attacked your town"

If I thought no, she should not be considered LTR / M material.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Chuck is right. Examine her character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> I related, when I was younger and still today, the contemplation
> 
> of a LTR / M to this point...."Would you want her with you in a
> 
> ...





LongWalk said:


> Chuck is right. Examine her character.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting question Chuck..unfortunately Im having a hard time understanding it though..

She has always been a sweetheart to me. I always felt so good when I was with her. Then last fall/winter came along.. she cheated. That was her character flaw, but I regard it as a mistake now, especially based on her emotions after coming back to me after having space. She has a lot of things that I'm looking for in a woman. I guess its just the bad things that come out about her on this forum though.

I wish I could tell her the reason I went absent. I hate the thought of her moving away slowly. A lot of mutual friends tell me not to worry, it doesn't end like that for us, her feelings are too strong. But at the same time, she's just disappeared including deleting her Facebook the day that I came back to her. It feels very final to me, and I don't like it...obviously. But theres nothing I can do and I'm struggling with accepting that. All I can do is try to keep busy, hope I hear from her soon, and if I don't, by that time perhaps Ill be less emotionally attached.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

How do you even attract someone that you're not even allowed to talk to....


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

maybe going there isn't "making" her come back...maybe its just levelling the playing field. dealing with things in person because anyone who's been in a LDR knows that the person you know and the one you Skype with eventually detach from each other over time.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

No not true, I had a. LDR for two years before Skype. We were close there was never any distancing. Only email and phone, the longest we last without seeing each other was a bit over a year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> No not true, I had a. LDR for two years before Skype. We were close there was never any distancing. Only email and phone, the longest we last without seeing each other was a bit over a year.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not true as in you start to separate the person from the one you see on skype/call?

we always found it that way. You see each other after a few months and its always a little bit strange.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> not true as in you start to separate the person from the one you see on skype/call?
> 
> we always found it that way. You see each other after a few months and its always a little bit strange.


Seems like she is not the right person for you. 

We had a strong relationship it was never strange on the contrary, it was great when we did see eachother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Seems like she is not the right person for you.
> 
> We had a strong relationship it was never strange on the contrary, it was great when we did see eachother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, do you mean she's not the right person because of how we always ended up kind of separating the person online with the one in real life over time?

Ya I agree, it was absolutely amazing to see each other. Butterflies all over again, but at the same time, seeing all the little details in real life makes you think "ah yes.. i forgot about that".


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

What people here are saying is that it is easier to learn from the mistakes of others than have to make mistakes yourself. When I was younger I was like you, I had a hard time learning from others or taking their advice. 

I have read your thread and I think that even if the breakup hadn't happened, the majority of people aren't mature enough to be married at 22. You have it even harder in that an ldr is difficult even for the most mature couples. 

However, this woman is not marriage material, at least not at this point in her life. You are only making the situation more difficult by keeping in contact and being in limbo as to where you two stand. If 2 people want to be together, they will make whatever sacrifices are necessary. But that us not happening on her part.

You are caught up in drama of your situation right now. I can understand because I have been there myself when I was that age. But take it from me and the others...its better to learn from our mistakes than drag yourself through hell chasing this girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Thanks Snake, I appreciate your advice!

I do try to take others advice, that's why I am here. As much as most of it makes sense and I want to just take it to heart and follow it right away, my heart is fighting. Everytime my mind says "do this" my heart says "but", you know? I do appreciate everyones advice here just so you all know, it's just hard to follow right away sometimes. 

I just want to deal with this in person. I didn't even have a warning and then suddenly she's set on moving on. An explanation seems appropriate for a 5 yr relationship, and also better in person..


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Didn't you already deal with it? She dumped you, so there's nothing to deal with. It's over


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Ya I did. Last november I went there when we first broke up to try to mend things. It didn't work that time, but there was another guy.

This time it's been a while since we talked. Me going there is like someone just going for coffee with their ex to talk about things. It's better to do things in person, whether its doomed or potentially salvageable. 

She said its over yes...But...I'd still like to try. She still loves me, at least I have that going for me.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

zildjian_4 said:


> Ya I did. Last november I went there when we first broke up to try to mend things. It didn't work that time, but there was another guy.
> 
> This time it's been a while since we talked. Me going there is like someone just going for coffee with their ex to talk about things. It's better to do things in person, whether its doomed or potentially salvageable.
> 
> She said its over yes...But...I'd still like to try. She still loves me, at least I have that going for me.


Ok, I was going to ask the same thing. 

Seriously, this makes NO sense. You broke up over 6 months ago! Why would you go down to Brazil at considerable expense to yourself to chase someone who broke up with you over half a year ago?

If she really loves you, what you need to do is CALL HER BLUFF, not chase her. 

When my college boyfriend broke up with me, of course I assumed it was permanent and for real. He was dating, or trying to date other people. We were broken up, so I did the same! When he found out I was dating someone else, he totally flipped his lid. I guess I called his bluff, that he expected to get back together or something, to have his cake and eat it too. Well, unfortunately for him, I didn't want to get back together. Like you, we were having serious problems and it was for the best. 

While I'm not suggesting that you find a rebound relationship just to draw her back, I am trying to show you that neediness and chasing is the exact opposite of what you want to show if you have any hope of getting her back. 

_But in all honesty, I don't think you should try to get her back. _At this point in her life, she is immature, indecisive, displays attention seeking behavior, and has serious character flaws. These are the EXACT OPPOSITE qualities of what you want in a mate of marriage partner. 

Seriously, you need to talk yourself down. Cut all contact and move on with your life. You setting yourself up for more hardship and pain continuing on your current path.

I understand how you feel, but as a passionate person, I have had to learn to let rationality govern my emotions...not the other way around. Learning that lesson is one of the most important things I have had to learn in my life.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> Ok, I was going to ask the same thing.
> 
> Seriously, this makes NO sense. You broke up over 6 months ago! Why would you go down to Brazil at considerable expense to yourself to chase someone who broke up with you over half a year ago?
> 
> ...


I really appreciate this post.. very helpful. 

So..yes it was 6 months ago we broke up, but it was only a couple weeks ago that she was still pursuing and saying I love you etc. Thats why I would go down there. If she didn't say that so recently, I would too feel that it was too long ago and it wouldn't make a difference anymore. I thought that if she still loves me, being there in person will bring up her true emotions for me again. It just feels like my only chance..but then I have to consider your post.

How serious was that college boyfriend when he broke up with you? Did he make sure there was no hope left on your part? As in.."its over, lets just carry on with our own lives"?

As for personality flaws and talking myself down.. I admit that you're right. I need to just take a deep breath and relax. I guess my thoughts of her are all from when we were dating and everything was good...not the drama and stuff from the last 6 months


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

btw...being on the opposite side of the world and with her deactivating her fb the day I came back, theres no way for her to see whats going on with me.. Not that I would use it to influence her. I met some girls yesterday casually with friends, but as beautiful as they were, I just couldn't get into it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She's ask you to stop contacting her, she deactivated her Facebook (amusing to get rid of you), I get the feeling you guilt her into telling you things so you can cling on to hope. I'm starting to feel sorry for her. 

You are stalking her, you are guilting her emotionally, use the money and get some therapy. I think we all see you walking of a cliff and you ignore all warnings. 

If you go, then go maybe that's the only way you learn as you come across like a stubborn mule. 

The "if you love someone let them go" saying is very wise. You want her to continue to break your heart go, but realize and I have said of before, you are being vey cruel to her by blackmailing her emotionally. To the point of traumatizing her in refusing to leave her alone. Let her live her life. 

I know I'm wasting my time, so go chase her. If you are normally a stubborn person, you are going to learn very painful lessons that could have been avoided but, it's your life buddy, knock yourself out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

She deactivated her fb while I didn't have fb. I haven't had it since we broke up. I went on and she wasn't there. Thought I may have been blocked so asked a mutual friend and they said "ya she's not here anymore..weird, because she was yesterday."

While appreciate the honesty, I have to defend myself here. I think you're getting me wrong. I haven't talked to her since she finished things last weekend. So...I'm not guilting her at all you know? I'm doing exactly as she requested. 

However, on my end(without her knowing at all), I am considering other options. Im not set on anything, I'm here for advice, options, and you know, sometimes people need to hear something over and over again to have it finally sink in! Its reality. If dropping a relationship and moving on was a one step simple process this board would be full of 1 page threads! 

I'm not stalking her. I am not guilting her. And I am not *ignoring* advice. Just because I don't pick it up right away and apply it doesn't mean I'm a stubborn ass, thanks!! It means that I'm like any other normal person who is having a hard time getting over a relationship with such a messy ending and both parties still having feelings.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

zildjian_4 said:


> I really appreciate this post.. very helpful.
> 
> *So..yes it was 6 months ago we broke up, but it was only a couple weeks ago that she was still pursuing and saying I love you etc. *Thats why I would go down there. If she didn't say that so recently, I would too feel that it was too long ago and it wouldn't make a difference anymore. I thought that if she still loves me, being there in person will bring up her true emotions for me again. It just feels like my only chance..but then I have to consider your post.
> 
> ...


The bold part: actions, not words. If she wanted to get back together, she would be there in Canada trying to do so. You said she is well off, she could easily do so. 

My college boyfriend and I were together 2 years, we lived together. It honestly did not occur to me that there might be any hope of getting back together, I took him at his word. BUT, if there was any small desire to get back with him on my part, that ended with him chasing other women the minute we broke up. 

I was of the opinion that it should end anyway. We were fighting a lot, there was too much drama. The breakup was upsetting, but it was never my intention to get back with him at all. 

Yes, you need to calm down. You are imagining her as an idealized version of what she was, not what she is now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

when she had wanted you, you would blow her off

when she moved on, you wanted her back

that is a very unhealthy relationship

had Mike and Angie acted the way you and her have

it would have blown everything up for a future chance

I bring these two up, since they are lead characters in one

of my novels. Am I Mike? Well..... let the reader decide 

but me, and these other posters have been, exactly where you

are at.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> when she had wanted you, you would blow her off
> 
> when she moved on, you wanted her back
> 
> ...


Ya... It can assure you I wasn't playing mind games and blowing her off just to have someone pursuing me. I was hurt..even though it had happened months before, it didn't set in until then. It was just horrible timing...

As for the pic you posted, thats great..speaks volumes to me!


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

SO....

Today I did my best to focus on other things and keep myself busy. It seems like the second that I stop doing things, its like a tidal wave of thoughts paranoia crashing in my mind. Example.. tonight when I got home I started thinking "wow...my best friend just walked out, cut off all contact, and judging from the way it ended, Ill never hear from her again." But then my mind tries to comfort me by saying "Well, remember the last call? She confessed feelings and said she was jealous that I had a date et up this weekend." That was at the beginning of the call I told her that..and half an hour later at the end of the call she said "have a good date this weekend", but....clearly in an unhappy voice. Hard to explain; Anyways. Just thinking out loud here, it helps to write it all out. Feel free to reply, I appreciate it always!


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I just talked to one of her friends on fb. She's a really good person and I've always had a lot of respect for her.

Anyways.. she says that she hasnt talked to her recently about me.. doesnt want to bring it up because shes trying to move on.. she also said that shes happy with her job and wants new experiences in brazil..so.............

This is EXACTLY how it went down in november. GF gets job, finds affirmation in other areas of life, is happy and wants new experiences IN brazil. So, what happens one month later? I get a call from a absolutely depressed distraught confused girl. She was constantly saying "but Im happy now" last time.. I didnt buy it based on her facade...turns out it wasnt true either.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Freaking rough day..I'm so sick of this crap... She was focusing on herself like I said a couple months ago..happy to be doing productive things..asking if she was doing well giving me space/if there was anything she could do to improve our chances...promising future together....and now?


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

anyone out there..?


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

zildjian_4 said:


> anyone out there..?


Here. It's just that there isn't much to say other than I understand what you are going through. Seriously though, no one who cares about you would put you through what your ex is putting you through.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> Here. It's just that there isn't much to say other than I understand what you are going through. Seriously though, no one who cares about you would put you through what your ex is putting you through.


Ya thats kinda what I figured about there being nothing to say.. Im just always looking for new or different perspectives to give me a glimpse of relief right now. 

Just a question..in your eyes..what exactly is my ex putting me through right now?


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

zildjian_4 said:


> Ya thats kinda what I figured about there being nothing to say.. Im just always looking for new or different perspectives to give me a glimpse of relief right now.
> 
> Just a question..in your eyes..what exactly is my ex putting me through right now?


Didn't she have an EA, then breakup with you, then keep contact/keep you on the back burner by saying she "maybe," wants to get back together with you once she is done having her fun with OM?

Seriously, this is unscrupulous, hurtful, immature, attention seeking behavior. 

I'm sure you know that already though. It seems like you need to hear it from others to believe it. 

You need to find a place of center and strength within yourself and have faith in your own good judgment. Don't continue to let this person take you for a ride.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I guess its sinking in.. if she loved me, we wouldnt be in this situation right now.. she wouldnt be ignoring me..wanting to move on..

It pisses me off how this all went down though. Its the same as last year. She is a person who is horrible when she doesnt have a routine(work/study/gym/friends etc)... She always blamed me for that even though i encouraged her to see friends, apply for jobs..heck I was close to pushing her to do this stuff because I knew it made her happy. Then last fall she got a job..suddenly disappeared..didnt need me anymore..felt "fulfilled"... Not her words, but thats the way I see it.

Now here we are again. She gets a job, feels useful in life, feels happy, and suddenly thinks that she needs to eliminate me to maintain that happiness. Then last year she turns around, realises..'hey.. this job isnt the center of my life.. i want love in my life too..and came back.. '

Just bloody frustrated right now. Im so angry because she makes it seem like I made her unhappy, that i was holding her back.. I was 100% supportive of her seeing friends/working.studying anything she wanted. If we had a chance to talk but she mentioned she had the opportunity to go out with friends, i would make sure she did that... I didnt want to be a burden over the distance.

Like why the heck cant she just wrap her head around doing both? Everyone has friends, a job, and significant other.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

zildjian_4 said:


> I guess its sinking in.. if she loved me, we wouldnt be in this situation right now.. she wouldnt be ignoring me..wanting to move on..
> 
> It pisses me off how this all went down though. Its the same as last year. She is a person who is horrible when she doesnt have a routine(work/study/gym/friends etc)... She always blamed me for that even though i encouraged her to see friends, apply for jobs..heck I was close to pushing her to do this stuff because I knew it made her happy. Then last fall she got a job..suddenly disappeared..didnt need me anymore..felt "fulfilled"... Not her words, but thats the way I see it.
> 
> ...


Did you see my prior post? 

A quality partner does not behave in the way your ex has. She may love you, but since she is certainly not acting like it, you can't assume that. 

Its best to move on psychologically. The longer you keep yourself in this state the longer it will take you to get back to normal and you may miss out on better potential partners in the mean time.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> Didn't she have an EA, then breakup with you, then keep contact/keep you on the back burner by saying she "maybe," wants to get back together with you once she is done having her fun with OM?
> 
> Seriously, this is unscrupulous, hurtful, immature, attention seeking behavior.
> 
> ...





SolidSnake said:


> Did you see my prior post?
> 
> A quality partner does not behave in the way your ex has.


Now i do, we must have been typing at the same time.. ya she did all those things.. I guess because of the time and the healing of the cheating, I focus too much attention only on the good times..

Not to nitpick or anything though/just to set the record straight.. she only wanted to get back together after 4 months had passed since the OM.. I told her to focus on herself, she did, and did quite well, and then came back and I guess...I dont know.. I wasnt ready.

I do really appreciate your posts here. It may seem like Im arguing or ignoring the, but I am doing my best to absorb it.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

What are peoples thoughts about getting back together with a cheater? Does it ever work? Is it possible?

I'm very close with her dad and have been talking to him a bit. His advice is along the lines of "The time you had is not enough yet. She has done things that hurt so deep. I think you both need a long time to go through this, and taking decisions under the fear of losing someone can lead to bad decisions. I also think that you both need to mature about yourselves, about each other, about you together, about the distance and so many difficulties you'll have in life. You need to know yourselves better and it may take more than a couple of months. And then, if God is willing, you will start over. You have to take care of yourselves before you take care of each other."


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I highly recommend you start reading the coping with infidelity (cwi) section under focused topics here on TAM. 

Your question of if a cheater can be reformed is answered repeatedly in that forum.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

helolover said:


> I highly recommend you start reading the coping with infidelity (cwi) section under focused topics here on TAM.
> 
> Your question of if a cheater can be reformed is answered repeatedly in that forum.


Any threads there you could recommend I read? Just to save some time searching through them...


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

zildjian_4 said:


> Any threads there you could recommend I read? Just to save some time searching through them...


I suggest just start reading.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

helolover said:


> I suggest just start reading.


I guess Ill have to keep reading tomorrow. I spent the last 40 minutes reading through tons of pages but didn't find anything yet. If anyone has a answer to my question about getting back together with a cheating partner, that would be great. Cheers.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> What are peoples thoughts about getting back together with a cheater? Does it ever work? Is it possible?
> 
> I'm very close with her dad and have been talking to him a bit. His advice is along the lines of "The time you had is not enough yet. She has done things that hurt so deep. I think you both need a long time to go through this, and taking decisions under the fear of losing someone can lead to bad decisions. I also think that you both need to mature about yourselves, about each other, about you together, about the distance and so many difficulties you'll have in life. You need to know yourselves better and it may take more than a couple of months. And then, if God is willing, you will start over. You have to take care of yourselves before you take care of each other."


Zildjian, not sure if you ever got around to reading my thread, so I'll summarise and share a few very specific parts of it.

Years before we married, my STBXW cheated on me, left me for OM. One cheat.

She came back, I forgave her, we got married. When I say she came back, what I mean is, she cheated on OM with me and left him to be with me again. Two cheats

Shortly after getting married, my STBXW most likely physically cheated on me (no proof this time, but it's fairly obvious), definitely emotionally cheated, and left for OM again. Three cheats.

Months later, she starts messaging me, sending me sexual messages, saying that she wants to come back, she's made a mistake etc. This time I told her no. It was difficult, but it was for the best.

It wasn't some Hollywood romance moment in which two star-crossed lovers reunite, and once I realised what it actually was, telling her no became the only option.

What she was doing was gearing up to physically cheat on OM again, and she was emotionally cheating on him with me. Also, if she was seeing OM during the early separation, and I suspect she was, she was physically cheating on him with me. Four cheats.

So that's at least 4 cases of cheating I know of in her history.

Can cheaters reform? Maybe if they have some kind of epiphany that makes them realise how wrong they are, combined with the will, determination, and moral compass to actually do something about it.

Is it likely for all of that to happen? Not at all. I'd say you have a better shot of winning the lottery.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Wow thats quite the story.. sorry to hear about that, must have been so difficult.

In between the cheats, were you ever 100% confident that she wouldn't do it again/did she show consistent signs of change?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> Wow thats quite the story.. sorry to hear about that, must have been so difficult.
> 
> In between the cheats, were you ever 100% confident that she wouldn't do it again/did she show consistent signs of change?


Honestly, no. I told myself I was, and that it was just a mistake and that I could trust her. In my gut, I knew otherwise.

That kind of suppressed feeling takes it's toll on your mental health, believe me. Nobody is worth that and I'm happier without her now.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Honestly, no. I told myself I was, and that it was just a mistake and that I could trust her. In my gut, I knew otherwise.
> 
> That kind of suppressed feeling takes it's toll on your mental health, believe me. Nobody is worth that and I'm happier without her now.


I'm glad to hear that you're doing better.

I'm having a hard time telling if I'm confident in her or not you know? Like, the pain healed, and I felt ready..and from what i thoguth i knew, she was busy improving herself too you know? Unfortunately as she improved herself suddenly she felt she didnt need me. I guess that makes it the second time it happened. last time, she got a job, felt fulfilled and then dropped me. It's like she cant get her head around balancing friends/work/and a boyfriend! She's always kind of squirmed in our relationship when she got busy and put the blame on the relationship whenever she was feeling stressed. Even on days when we would just skype half an hour before bed or something..its not like its messing up her schedule.

I just wish she could comprehend that just because she is happy doesnt mean she doesnt want to be a relationship anymore! If thats the case she will never be in a relationship while shes happy! She'll get low, use someone, then get happy, and drop them. So frustrated right now. i want the old girl back, the one that was set on getting married 8 months ago! I have no interest in the one Im dealing with now..


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Rrally missing her right now.. but not only do i know that I must do NC right now, its also what she requested. feels bad...


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Last November when I went to Brazil, she wasn't sure about me coming.. but once I was there, she was happy, And by the time i left, was distraught that I was leaving because it all became real to her again.. its tempting to dhtat again..maybe not get back together right away, but maybe get back en route to doing that.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> she felt she didnt need me. I guess that makes it the second time it happened. last time, she got a job, felt fulfilled and then dropped me. It's like she cant get her head around balancing friends/work/and a boyfriend!


Or, she doesn't want to get her head around that?



> I just wish she could comprehend that just because she is happy doesnt mean she doesnt want to be a relationship anymore! If thats the case she will never be in a relationship while shes happy! She'll get low, use someone, then get happy, and drop them. So frustrated right now. i want the old girl back, the one that was set on getting married 8 months ago! I have no interest in the one Im dealing with now..


Unfortunately mate the old girl is gone, and you need to accept that. Stop living in the past with a girl from the past.



> Last November when I went to Brazil, she wasn't sure about me coming.. but once I was there, she was happy, And by the time i left, was distraught that I was leaving because it all became real to her again.. its tempting to dhtat again..maybe not get back together right away, but maybe get back en route to doing that.


To what end mate? Just so this can happen all over again?

I'm getting the impression it's not her you're missing, it's not the relationship either.

It's the certainty you had for your future, with a girl who no longer exists. This was part of the process for me too, and it's difficult and you literally feel like you're going insane sometimes.

Stay busy, focus on you and keep on doing things you enjoy, for _you_.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Unfortunately mate the old girl is gone, and you need to accept that. Stop living in the past with a girl from the past.


It's just SO recent you know?! Like.. one-two weeks before I went back she was still in love and showing it with words, sending pics, phone calls, asking if I could make time for her to talk etc.. The actions lined up with the words...and it was so recent..thats the other thing I cant figure out.

edit: I keep wondering if its just that shes forgetting her life in Canada. She sent me a message a while agio "its like when im living one life I forget all about the other"..So now that shes living and has routine in Brazil, shes forgetting here.. so not only does she forget, we cant see eachother like a normal couple can which = never gonna work again.Ill just be a distant memory..not because things went wrong but because of the distance...


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> Didn't she have an EA, then breakup with you, then keep contact/keep you on the back burner by saying she "maybe," wants to get back together with you once she is done having her fun with OM?
> 
> Seriously, this is unscrupulous, hurtful, immature, attention seeking behavior.
> 
> ...


maybe this is something I need to hear more of. All I keep remembering are the good times. I know there were bad times...times where I was disrespected and suffered.. it just seems like the times in between were SO good that it negates the bad times.. I know its not supposed to work like that though, Im just thinking out loud. 

How do I begin to stop focusing on only the good times?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> It's just SO recent you know?! Like.. one-two weeks before I went back she was still in love and showing it with words, sending pics, phone calls, asking if I could make time for her to talk etc.. The actions lined up with the words...and it was so recent..thats the other thing I cant figure out.
> 
> edit: I keep wondering if its just that shes forgetting her life in Canada. She sent me a message a while agio "its like when im living one life I forget all about the other"..So now that shes living and has routine in Brazil, shes forgetting here.. so not only does she forget, we cant see eachother like a normal couple can which = never gonna work again.Ill just be a distant memory..not because things went wrong but because of the distance...


Believe me dude, I understand how sudden it is, my wife left less than four months after giving me her wedding vows. No communication. There were hints, and I picked up the hints and she lied to me.

Sex tailed off a couple of weeks before she left, I asked why, she just said she was tired or not in the mood etc etc.

She was rarely home and always out with "friends". I asked her why she seemed reluctant to spend time with me, and she'd blow up and call me jealous, controlling and so on.

People can change. What you need to understand is that your girl always has been this person, and either something, or someone has been the catalyst in bringing it out. I don't want to speculate which, but whichever it is, it's beyond your control and you'll just drive yourself insane thinking about it.

You seem like a decent guy, maybe a little too believing & trusting of your girl's words, and blind to her faults, much like I was. Frankly I think you deserve better than this.

But what I think doesn't matter, what do you think?


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Believe me dude, I understand how sudden it is, my wife left less than four months after giving me her wedding vows. No communication. There were hints, and I picked up the hints and she lied to me.
> 
> Sex tailed off a couple of weeks before she left, I asked why, she just said she was tired or not in the mood etc etc.
> 
> ...


Wow...that is quite a story. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. 

As for what do I think...are you sure you want to open up that can of worms haha?! I have no idea what I think!!!

Part of me says, respect her space, let her go, and if she comes back, she's mine for good. The other part says, dude.. if you don't go after her and try and mend this relationship and restore the feelings by being in person, you'll never hear from her again.

I know she has flaws, but they just wont register in my mind. I know that I've posted only about how she was in the past 8 months, but our relationship was golden the rest of the time. I mean, we very, very, rarely fought, sex life when we were together was..well...exhausting.. and we just got along well. I enjoyed doing things for her and vice versa. The amount of times she looked at me randomly and said "Im such a lucky woman..Im so blessed to have you in my life" or.."I was so lost until I found you. I thank god so much for putting you in my life, because of you I've become a better person" is almost impossible to count. Not only did her words say happiness, but her actions did too.. They really, really..did.


So, what do I think? I think that my mind is fighting on the edge of letting her go and never hearing from her again, or pursuing her, and maybe at least giving it a chance. This whole NC isnt anything ideal for a LDR... we already dont see eachother in real life lately so the only thing its doing is driving a wedge between us.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> Wow...that is quite a story. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.
> 
> As for what do I think...are you sure you want to open up that can of worms haha?! I have no idea what I think!!!
> 
> ...


I notice a lot of past tense and a lot of future "what ifs" in here.

What about the present? I'd be focusing on her present actions.

I'd say let her go, focus on you, get out there, meet local women when you're ready, just have fun and be entirely selfish for a while. If she comes back, she comes back, if she doesn't, then you'll be happy and having a blast anyway.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I notice a lot of past tense and a lot of future "what ifs" in here.
> 
> What about the present? I'd be focusing on her present actions.
> 
> I'd say let her go, focus on you, get out there, meet local women when you're ready, just have fun and be entirely selfish for a while. If she comes back, she comes back, if she doesn't, then you'll be happy and having a blast anyway.


Thanks, I appreciate that. 

I should mention in this thread that I'm living in a new city as well. So its pretty tough being alone all the time. I play soccer 3 times a week but still..I come home to an empty house after and just have the hardest time connecting with new people(I'm not shy, I have plenty of friends in my hometown). Im actually back in my hometown and have seen lots of people. It's been good the past few days but today I just completely feel blah. I don't give a crap about nothing. I had a dream that she was with the guy who she cheated on me with back in October and its just been eating me alive. I'm trying not to think about it but its so hard...It's like my mind is battling against me you know? For example, it's like I'm trying to prove to myself that she's with him by saying things like "ah thats why she went off fb...so it doesn't have to be official or seen by my family..or maybe he wanted her to delete me but she didn't want to do it..". I don't know, its just a vicious circle in my head.

Still not a word from her.. I don't understand it. Ended up talking to her brother about it yesterday and he said that I should be doing what I can to get her back, and if it doesn't work out, then I'll know I went 100% and it simply isn't meant to be.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

It seems that as time passes, it only gets worse for me. Today was absolutely terrible. I drove from my hometown back to where I live now(6 hours) and cried for half of it.. it's just becoming unbearable. She was there, and then suddenly gone. Just...gone. Haven't heard a word from her.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you need to prove to yourself that this relationship is dead or alive, you can always fly down. I don't think she will welcome you. You could also send her a plane ticket (buy one that can be refunded) and write a simple note. I'll be at the airport to pick you up.

See if she comes.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> If you need to prove to yourself that this relationship is dead or alive, you can always fly down. I don't think she will welcome you. You could also send her a plane ticket (buy one that can be refunded) and write a simple note. I'll be at the airport to pick you up.
> 
> See if she comes.


I have a feeling she wouldn't welcome me either..thats what kills me.. the fact that suddenly she wants me 100% out of her life... "I met someone new and in order to make that work I have to cut off every unresolved relationship in my life"... 

I feel used. She kept me around all year so far.. and then as soon as she meets someone, and still isn't even over me, just uses the other guy as a rebound and drops me. I know I'm being/have been disrespected, but I just can't shake these feelings for her no matter how hard I try. I want to dwell on the things she did wrong to me to get over her but also don't want to live with resentment.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

I just talked to her brother now. He spent the weekend with her and said she didnt mention much, but it did seem like she was moving on. There is no other guy as far as he knows. He also said that it is likely because she worked so hard on moving on and as soon as she felt like she accomplished it a little bit, didnt want to give it up. Thats why shes gone no contact with me.. 

But frig.. it still KILLS! I'm so tired of this.. It's just so hard to accept. My friend tells me that when I snapped back to wanting her it wasnt real..it was me snapping back to the idea of her...but ignoring reality and the dark moments we had last fall.. Either way... I forgave her for those things.. I had my time to heal, and now I'm ready, but its too late!!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your inner self protected you from forgiving her because the relationship is headed nowhere. If you had married, you would have divorced within a couple of years.

After all the soccer tourists Brazil is going to export and import thousands of love sick persons.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Your inner self protected you from forgiving her because the relationship is headed nowhere. If you had married, you would have divorced within a couple of years.
> 
> After all the soccer tourists Brazil is going to export and import thousands of love sick persons.


You think my subconscious stopped me from getting back together with her? I'm honestly just prodding for other perspectives - why did you say we would divorce in a couple years?

and yes.. I feel sorry for all of those souls!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You were indifferent to her when she chased you. Obviously, your anger had some reason. You could have asked her to come back to Canada. You chose not to. You did not believe her at some level.

Divorce?

She is young. She cheated because she was curious to have another guy. That curiosity, the hunger for strange, is not sated. She likes attracting men.

Even good girls get exited when men chase them. It takes maturity to stay committed.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

Those are wise words. Thank you.

As for my anger.. I do remember it coming on slowly...just crazy that it got to the point that I didn't even care to see her.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Never ceases to amaze me what our subconscious will do in order to protect us emotionally, physically and mentally.

If your gut is screaming, there's usually a reason for it.


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Never ceases to amaze me what our subconscious will do in order to protect us emotionally, physically and mentally.
> 
> If your gut is screaming, there's usually a reason for it.


same here.. I didn't even knew it existed.. all I knew was that I was mad at her at the time..not super angry, but I wanted my space and truly wanted her to be well. Work hard, study, see friends, be healthy..all of those things..


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> You were indifferent to her when she chased you. Obviously, your anger had some reason. You could have asked her to come back to Canada. You chose not to. You did not believe her at some level.
> 
> Divorce?
> 
> ...


so many times, people are not given any responsibility today

until they are 25 (college, living with parents). just two 

generations ago, people were given adult responsibilities at

16-18. How do I know? I see the younger generation in

class, daily. I listen and observed how older people acted

growing up. When I was 18 there were no such terms as 

"starter home" "starter marriage" 

the hamster wheel continues to tighten its grip on humanity


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> ....
> the hamster wheel continues to tighten its grip on humanity


It is my part time endeavor to shine light upon the hamstering of the western world. It is an uphill struggle for sure, but it is a calling.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

helolover said:


> It is my part time endeavor to shine light upon the hamstering of the western world. It is an uphill struggle for sure, but it is a calling.


LW and I have discussed this quite a few times

pop and I were never close but he did give some 

top notch advice on people and how the world was changing

it still holds very true, nearly twenty years later

and he thought I never listened to him :rofl:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Even good men and women are tempted to fornicate. When I was 18 I met a Christian woman at a summer job. She was warm, sunny and empathetic. She had married young and she and her husband had gone in different directions. She got a BA to be a teacher and he joined the navy. One Saturday she asked me to hang out with her we drove to a baseball game where some of her in-laws were. She even introduced me.

We went back to her apartment. She remarked that I was a nice guy and wouldn't make a move on her, unlike John, an older co-worker who was trying to get into her pants. She stood there, conflicted, wishing for a man to take her. She knew I was too young and earnest to jump at the opportunity to sleep with a married woman. She held out till her husband came back on leave. I sometimes wonder if they are still together.

The world is not made of saints and sinners. We are most of us both. You disappointed your wife by cheating. She had no monogamous marriage to save. Your chance now in the 11th hour is to be a better guy down the stretch to divorce. There is a one in ten chance that she will see her redemption in you, but it is small.

Make certain to expose to OMW asap. Tell her you wish her happiness and are letting her go.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

for centuries, adultery was frowned upon severely

today, it's the "in" thing to do

to say it enrages me to see people allow themselves to be 

manipulated by the tele, net, "have a fling dating sites"

is an understatement

when I tell students to turn off their phones when I lecture

I am looked upon as a heretic

"I have to stay connected Mr. xxxxx"

"No.... you need to be disconnected much more than you realize"

LW.....Helo, we should start a post about this

wonder where it would go?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Zildjian

You need to prepare yourself to be with her or without her.
You probably are not going to listen to many on this thread and you will chase after her until she goes back to you or she dumps you big time!

You need to prepare yourself for being dumped because there is at least a 50/50 chance she will dump you. I say 50/50 and that is being very optimistic. At this time it appears that you are not able to handle being dumped. Get yourself more self sufficient in your emotions and self worth!


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## zildjian_4 (Dec 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Even good men and women are tempted to fornicate. When I was 18 I met a Christian woman at a summer job. She was warm, sunny and empathetic. She had married young and she and her husband had gone in different directions. She got a BA to be a teacher and he joined the navy. One Saturday she asked me to hang out with her we drove to a baseball game where some of her in-laws were. She even introduced me.
> 
> We went back to her apartment. She remarked that I was a nice guy and wouldn't make a move on her, unlike John, an older co-worker who was trying to get into her pants. She stood there, conflicted, wishing for a man to take her. She knew I was too young and earnest to jump at the opportunity to sleep with a married woman. She held out till her husband came back on leave. I sometimes wonder if they are still together.
> 
> ...


Was this posted in the right thread?



Mr Blunt said:


> Zildjian
> 
> You need to prepare yourself to be with her or without her.
> You probably are not going to listen to many on this thread and you will chase after her until she goes back to you or she dumps you big time!
> ...


this is true. The strange thing is that has me wondering.. I've always been a confident person. I have a level head on my shoulders, I dont care what others think about me, I have my life and interesting hobbies. Maybe more time is needed to get the root of why I gave her so many chances..


The good news is that I've been doing a little better lately. Started going to a new church geared for young adults and met a lot of new people, both guys and girls. the amount of single young ladies has been really encouraging to me actually. Alsoooo, the first time my ex came back in April was the same day I laid my eyes on a girl across the church. I didnt get a chance to talk to her but found out from a female friend what her name was/what she was like. Unfortunately after that Sunday she never showed up again.

WELL. It turns out that she goes to this new church that I'm going to. So, I'm a little conflicted. I'm thinking I need to work on myself/get comfortable alone and may just befriend her to start and later on when I'm ready, pursue things further.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

zildjian_4 said:


> LongWalk said:
> 
> 
> > Even good men and women are tempted to fornicate. When I was 18 I met a Christian woman at a summer job. She was warm, sunny and empathetic. She had married young and she and her husband had gone in different directions. She got a BA to be a teacher and he joined the navy. One Saturday she asked me to hang out with her we drove to a baseball game where some of her in-laws were. She even introduced me.
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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