# I love my wife but she hates my son



## DavidInFL

Like the title says, she can't stand him.

When I met "Y" back in 2005, I hadn't had much at all of a relationship with my son "J" for many years. My ex-wife had made it her mission in life to deprive me and J of any relationship, and for the most part, she had succeeded. I had fought and fought it, until her brainwashing finally worked to the extent that J really didn't want to see me any more. A terrible, but true situation. I had come to accept that in his own time, he'd seek a relationship with me and we'd pick up the pieces, move forward, and rebuild.

Since this was the case, Y never had an expectation that J would be part of our lives. After we were married for a couple of years my parents came to visit us and brought J with them. It was the first contact I had with J in several years.

It turned out that J realized his mom has completely lied to him, and that I was not the awful person she'd made me out to be. J also realized the Y was not the "filthy, stupid, and backwards" woman his mother had said she was. It didn't take J long to decide his mom was no one he wanted to live with any longer, and he asked to stay with me and Y. After some discussion, Y agreed to let J stay.

Y was the youngest of many children, and didn't have children of her own. Y is also an immigrant from a fairly conservative Asian nation and was unprepared for the stark differences between her cultural norms of a teenager, and J, who was not only an American rural teen newly relocated to a big city, but a kid who had been thoroughly repressed by his mother. Y never knew the sweet child J had been, and based all her judgements on what she observed- which was a naive country boy of 15 growing up quick in the big city. J was lost in so many ways, yet the one thing he wanted to do was stay with me and Y.

J, being naive and without any street smarts, found trouble. Not big trouble, but a new life without constant repression and newfound freedom exposed him in a big hurry to all the things most teens start learning around 12 or 13. He just didn't have any of that background, and was easy for more street savvy kids his age to lead around. I had the dofficult choice of continuing to severely restrain him, which wouldn't have done a thing to prepare him for the realities of life, or to let him take a few knocks and failures in order to learn. At 15 years old and counting, I didn't have a lot of time to teach him all the thing I wish I could have over his whole childhood.

J is not a terrible kid. But J is fairly typical of American teens, and Y was completely shocked at the behavior she witnessed. J never disrespected Y verbally, but his actions were taken as disrespect to her.

Along the way, Y and I had a son of our own who is now 3-1/2. J has gone off to the Navy and come back and is about to begin nursing school. J is now 20 years old. J doesn't ask for handouts, or expect them, nor do we give them. But Y applies a completely different set of standards to J than she does with our little guy "D".

I've told Y again and again that one day D will shock her with his typical teen actions. She of course, refuses to accept that her precious (and he is precious) little boy could ever act like J. And maybe he won't. But here's the part which eats me up:

We're not rich, but we're not poor either. We make about $160,000.00 per year. We fully fund a prepaid college plan for D, so he can go to school without financial worries. We send about $12,000.00 per year to Y's family back in Asia to support them, and I have no problem with that. We can afford it, and they are family. It's the right thing to do.
Y refuses to help J, and makes clear the I should basically kick him to the curb. I refuse to accept that. I won't carry J forever, but times are tough and he's about to start Nursing school. He already has his CNA and was a Corpsman in the Navy, so he knows what its all about and is sure that's what he wants to do.

The situation has profoundly impacted our otherwise happy and peaceful marriage. In short, Y just hates J, probably because he is not her blood and reminds her of a past relationship of mine. I can't change any of that.

Now before any of you say to just leave her, I'll say this: I love Y. I don't want to lose her, and I especially don't want to lose another son. I've been down the road of losing a son, and with D, I'd probably lose him to another country on the other side of the world. I refuse to lose another son. In the event she refuses to come to terms with this situation, much as I hate it, I'd have no choice but to fight this with every ounce of energy and legal power I could muster to retain custody of little D.

I work from home and travel from time to time, and I'm relatively confident that a custody arrangement would favor me. Y works lots of hours and actually makes more than me, but she devoted her weekends to little D. I spend mornings and afternoons with D, and he stays with the neighbors and her kids for about 5 hours per day. My primary concern is- A) Somehow convincing Y that her position with J is simply and completely unfair; and B) if she will not accept that J is my blood and son and I love both my boys equally, then preserving my relationship and custodial rights with little D.

I'm worried. I've taken all our passports and hidden them away. I afraid Y will attempt to disappear and I'll never see my other son, little D, again. I love all them, Y, J, and little D. I want us to have the best possible relationship, even if it's an imperfect one.

I know someone out there has experienced a similar situation. I'd be interested in how you worked it out.

Thanks for reading my very lengthy post.


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## tacoma

What "exactly" are your wife's complaints about J?

You seem to have left them out.

How much of this problem might be exasperated by the "divorce guilt" you undoubtedly hold for being without your son for so long?

I am in a similar situation, but from your wifes perspective.

I haven`t figured it out yet.

I thought I figured it out 10 or 20 times but I was wrong.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidInFL

Yes, I'm sure there is some divorce guilt; how can there not be?

I'm trying to help a still naive, and fairly unprepared for the world young man find his footing and be on a successful journey into the world. It doesn't help that times are really tough economically.

Y's assertion is that I cover for him too much, in fact I'm quite a hardass. I've made plenty of mistakes in life, and I've learned from them- I don't want J to make those same mistakes, though undoubtedly he'll makes some. Still, I can guide him where possible, and let him fall on his own where it would do no lasting damage but teach a lesson.

Her main complaint is that she perceives him as being lazy and doing nothing with his life. He's been out of the Navy for 2 months, and within a week of discharge has taken his CNA course and began to prepare for his LPN coursework. He'll work as a CNA while in LPN school, about 10 months. Since she works a lot of hours, what she doesn't see his daily activities her perception is really an assumption. In fact, he's up a 8AM, studies for an entrance exam for a few hours, eats lunch, studies some more, goes to the gym, comes home studies some more, then goes to see his one and only friend for a couple of hours. He's home between 8 and 10PM on weeknights and 12PM on weekends.

He's not a slob, but he's not Mr. Clean either. He does clean his room, take out the trash, do dishes here and there, mow the yard, and anything else asked of him. Never a problem, it just gets done. Of course he has to be reminded sometimes.

Nothing major has happened. He's never been arrested, he pays his own bills and is too proud to ask for help, so he doesn't. Right now he has his own money so it's not an issue there, in another month or two he'll probably run out and will have to get a job, for now the critical thing is to pass the last entrance exam and pave the way for school. And that is part of the problem..

School will cost him $10,000.00. His grandparents have offered to help if he can get admitted, which is very generous. The original offer was they pay half and we pay half- it would be a loan. Y says no way. I say why the double standard- we can fully fund college tuition and all the extras for little D, but we can't even loan J the money? Something wrong about that. Still, she won't give an inch. Even if he pays 30% so he has skin in the game, she doesn't like it one bit. Meanwhile, we aided her sister with tuition, and are currently paying for one of her nieces to go to college in Asia. Hard to understand, J can't even get a family loan, but her fam is entitled to gift money. All I want in some semblance of fairness.

Ultimately, she just plain doesn't like him. I know it's hard to like your own teenager sometimes, and someone elses can be unbearable. Still this is family, and there's no getting around that.

I could list a lot of small things, but none are real shockers. He has just acted like a teenager, and that's the only impression Y has of J. 

I'm frustrated, worried, stressed, and simply don't know what to do. The therapist says she needs to accept that things are different in the USA than her home country, but apparently she refuses to do so. 

Comments welcome and appreciated.


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## golfergirl

DavidInFL said:


> Yes, I'm sure there is some divorce guilt; how can there not be?
> 
> I'm trying to help a still naive, and fairly unprepared for the world young man find his footing and be on a successful journey into the world. It doesn't help that times are really tough economically.
> 
> Y's assertion is that I cover for him too much, in fact I'm quite a hardass. I've made plenty of mistakes in life, and I've learned from them- I don't want J to make those same mistakes, though undoubtedly he'll makes some. Still, I can guide him where possible, and let him fall on his own where it would do no lasting damage but teach a lesson.
> 
> Her main complaint is that she perceives him as being lazy and doing nothing with his life. He's been out of the Navy for 2 months, and within a week of discharge has taken his CNA course and began to prepare for his LPN coursework. He'll work as a CNA while in LPN school, about 10 months. Since she works a lot of hours, what she doesn't see his daily activities her perception is really an assumption. In fact, he's up a 8AM, studies for an entrance exam for a few hours, eats lunch, studies some more, goes to the gym, comes home studies some more, then goes to see his one and only friend for a couple of hours. He's home between 8 and 10PM on weeknights and 12PM on weekends.
> 
> He's not a slob, but he's not Mr. Clean either. He does clean his room, take out the trash, do dishes here and there, mow the yard, and anything else asked of him. Never a problem, it just gets done. Of course he has to be reminded sometimes.
> 
> Nothing major has happened. He's never been arrested, he pays his own bills and is too proud to ask for help, so he doesn't. Right now he has his own money so it's not an issue there, in another month or two he'll probably run out and will have to get a job, for now the critical thing is to pass the last entrance exam and pave the way for school. And that is part of the problem..
> 
> School will cost him $10,000.00. His grandparents have offered to help if he can get admitted, which is very generous. The original offer was they pay half and we pay half- it would be a loan. Y says no way. I say why the double standard- we can fully fund college tuition and all the extras for little D, but we can't even loan J the money? Something wrong about that. Still, she won't give an inch. Even if he pays 30% so he has skin in the game, she doesn't like it one bit. Meanwhile, we aided her sister with tuition, and are currently paying for one of her nieces to go to college in Asia. Hard to understand, J can't even get a family loan, but her fam is entitled to gift money. All I want in some semblance of fairness.
> 
> Ultimately, she just plain doesn't like him. I know it's hard to like your own teenager sometimes, and someone elses can be unbearable. Still this is family, and there's no getting around that.
> 
> I could list a lot of small things, but none are real shockers. He has just acted like a teenager, and that's the only impression Y has of J.
> 
> I'm frustrated, worried, stressed, and simply don't know what to do. The therapist says she needs to accept that things are different in the USA than her home country, but apparently she refuses to do so.
> 
> Comments welcome and appreciated.


If you are accurate, I would cut off her family too. She doesn't follow your customs - I guess you don't follow hers. I think it makes more sense to pay your own child's education rather than her extended family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dddivorceee

Blood is, and must be thicker than water, my friend. My father prioritised my evil step mother at my and my sister's expense, and it cast a long, dark and destructive shadow over my whole existence, and that of my sister. My stepmother poisoned my fathers ears with all manner of complaints and excuses, but the fact of the matter is that the most powerful motivating factor in almost all these situations is one of simple blood jealousy. Very likely, all other excuses aside, your wife is simply jealous and hateful of your offspring by another woman. I suspect the rest is smoke and mirrors. 

Nothing should be stronger than the bond of a man and his son. He is your own flesh and blood, and your first loyalties should always be to him.


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## dddivorceee

For my stepmother, she put all her energies into replacing my father's loyalty to us with that to her own children by a previous marriage. The tactic was to promote "fairness" but the outcome was radically unfair. She succeeded. With no genetic continuation of her line through her own children, wife is very likely prioritising your resources towards the nearest thing, being her nieces, who after all are 1/2 her own children genetically. Your primary duty is to your own blood. You can find another wife, and frankly you can find a nicer one than that! But you can't "find" another son.


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## DavidInFL

Golfergirl & dddivorcee, thanks for your replies. It somewhat reassuring to know I'm not just being selfish, though that's not what has really bothered me. I'm thinking of BOTH my boys FIRST, and it's simply a matter of fairness, where Y is not being fair at all.

I hadn't really considered "cutting off her family". I don't have a problem helping them, but I do reasonably expect some reciprocity.

The two biggest concerns, and the reason I don't just say "hey, your clearly acting unreasonably and it doesn't appear you'll change" followed by retaining an attorney and letting her go her own way are:
1.) I do love Y. Aside from this matter with J, we have a good history and relationship.
2.) More importantly, I dearly love little D, and can't stand the thought of losing another son. Yes, I do understand that I'd likely prevail in a all-out legal battle (for many reasons too lengthy to explain here), and could force her hand, but that's an absolute worst and last case scenario. What little D needs is BOTH parents in a loving home, both offering the unique kinds of love and teaching each parent has to offer.

Nothing is ever simple when there are kids involved, especially little kids. J is almost "launched", he just needs a little more aid (mostly moral support and a roof over his head while in school) and he'll be on his way. Little D has a whole childhood ahead of him and Y is woefully unprepared to raise a boy in America by herself while still applying her ingrained cultural norms from Asia. Much as she'd like to think her way is the right way, it's naive on her part and would set little D up for terrible hardship living as an American. Little D deserves to learn how things really work in America (he's an American), not grow up in Y's illusion of a world which is unrealistic.

Thanks again, and keep the feedback coming.


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## Zzyzx

It's blood jealousy. She believes that your resources are exclusive to her and her progeny, that's it. She enormously resents any amount of spending on J because that is taking resources that in her mind belong to her and D.

When you first let Y know about J, you should have told her that if he ever came back to you, your door would be open to him and if she had a problem with that, the relationship was over. Well too late for that now since D is in the picture.

But here's the thing, suppose J gets through school and becomes a nurse making his own living, then he gets married and has his own children. You will feel great being a grandpa, but will Y accept your grandkids via J? Try another scenario: what about your will? Will Y allow you to will anything to J and his offspring? If you die first and your estate passes to Y, will she willingly pass anything on to J?

I'm hoping I get you to see the ramifications down the road if Y does not back off. Absolutely essential to put an end to this now.

Try getting Y into counseling with you. If that doesn't work, then you will need to read her the riot act, J is your blood and you will not be separated from him any more than you will be separated from D. Parents routinely provide for college and trade school for their children, you are no different, you are to be lauded for helping J. You're going to make the case that you want BOTH sons in your life, anything less is unacceptable. And then be prepared to walk. You can always fight for D's custody...


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## Calisha Brown

The all you can do is that just tell your wife that as you are the part of my life my son is also and how can she hate him because she become mother one day.


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## DavidInFL

Thanks all for your replies...

I think Y and I are making small steps towards progress. While at the marriage counselor yesterday a lot came out and some agreements were made. One was regarding the disciplining of little D, which has been a growing concern.

Another, more significant point was regarding fairness and equity in treatment of J pertaining to his educational needs. I believe the counselor finally got Y to accept that we cannot fully fund a college education for little D and completely ignore J. Y admitted she has been unfair- this is the first time I've ever heard such words come from her mouth.

The counselor also made clear that, in light of J's horrible childhood inflicted by his biological mother, that he is going to need a bit more time and guidance to fully "launch". The topic of chores and household responsibilities was focused upon expecting compliance, but not perfection. I think it was a good session.

Most importantly, a promise was made by Y to not make any surprise moves by disappearing with little D, specifically, not leaving the country. Y agreed.

Another bit of great news, J had a job interview yesterday with a doctor who liked him and his credentials. The doctor went so far as agreeing on a wage figure and invited J back next week for a "working interview", mainly to see if J found the working environment acceptable. The doctor even agreed that he could accommodate J with his school schedule when that begins. All this is great for J, and it also makes Y feel like J is doing something on his own, for himself.

I can only hope and pray that J does well on the TEAS test tomorrow and makes a passing score. I hope as well that the "working interview" with the doc also goes well, though it sounds like J and the doc, as well as the docs partner hit it off just fine.

So, a ray of sunshine in cloudy skies. I needed to see progress because I'm about to travel to the West Coast for a week on business. It's good to see some hope that things will get better.

Thanks again to all for reading and commenting.


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## Zzyzx

Good to see progress... You're not quite out of the woods yet, but you're heading in the right direction, just stay on top of everything. Good luck!


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