# How should I phrase this to my husband?



## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Hi all,

I've been reading these threads for awhile... have posted a few replies that I thought would be helpful, but this is the first time I've asked a question.

A short backstory:
We married young, but we were both career-oriented and driven. Both have been successful in our jobs. I'm now 40, he's 45 and we have a son in elementary school. I have had several "depressive periods" over the years. Sometimes I've felt the need to be on anti-depressants, but not right now. We've just made some HUGE changes in our lives recently. We've moved cross-country and I'm going to go back to school soon. 

My problem is I really feel like I'm falling out of love with him. There are just too many day-to-day problems that we face differently. Things were fine before we became parents. Our marriage was the envy of everyone. Truth be told we both traveled so much, maybe we avoided a lot of issues.

But now we're parents, we've downsized from our 5 bedroom house in California to a 2 bedroom apartment (to be closer to family so our only child can live close to cousins) and we're now driving each other crazy. At least I know he's annoying the hell out of me!

We don't fight very much... because I mostly refuse to "get into it" unless its something that I feel VERY strongly about. I will bring up an issue... something trivial like curtains... and what I want to do/buy. He doesn't get mad... but he usually (99% of the time) disagrees with whatever I've said, tells me how that is a stupid opinion to have, and generally leaves me feeling like I never should have tried to make conversation in the first place.

It seems like its a constant barrage of negativity from him... I might mention something about how I need rain boots (he'll say that's ridiculous, it doesn't rain enough here), or I want to start giving our son an allowance (that's silly, he's too young to learn about money), or I want to plan an overnight trip to see all of my nieces and nephews (no, thats just asking for trouble because my sister and brother-in-law are religious freaks).

I feel like it never ends. When I mention it he says "Well you should stand up for your opinion and not let me win," or "Do you want me to just be your Yes man?" I just don't want to get into unnecessary fights! I finally blew up at him in a HUGE fight when we were trying to sell our house... something I did care about. I nailed him on every issue that he tried to say was silly or ridiculous... I mean I was up in his face ridiculing every argument he had. I felt like I was being such a witch. When I was done I asked him, "Did you enjoy any of that? Because I hated it" and of course he said no, but he forces the issue until I can't stand it.

I honestly feel like he can't stand me... he obviously berates all of my viewpoints, he doesn't approach me for sex, he doesn't really try to join me in any hobby we could do together. But I know he would never divorce me and he's probably unaware that anything is wrong.

My point is, how do I begin talking to him about this? I don't even know where to start. How do you tell someone that you're tired of being their doormat? Its gotten to the point that I avoid being with him. I'll volunteer at the school or tell him I need to run errands so that I don't have to be at home with him. I always say "Yes" about visiting his family because I know I won't have to deal with him while we're there. 

I know we probably need counseling, but how do I approach it with him? Sorry that this post is so long... but I didn't know how to condense it any further. I'll look for responses tomorrow... he's coming home soon and I've already planned a class so I can be gone


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

You guys need to learn to love one another again. Do for each other and you will be amazed at what happens. I do agree you need counseling, I would make this happen. Tell him you love him and want the marriage to be good like it used to be and this is what you need to do. I bet he is feeling the same way and will do it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is he doing this to avoid sex? 

When did this start? Did it correlate to anything else - like a lack of desire on his part. 

He must have a motive, what is it?





ChimeIn said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I've been reading these threads for awhile... have posted a few replies that I thought would be helpful, but this is the first time I've asked a question.
> 
> ...


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

ChimeIn said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I've been reading these threads for awhile... have posted a few replies that I thought would be helpful, but this is the first time I've asked a question.
> 
> ...


*I haven't responded to a thread on here in a long time, but your issue is really close to what my wife and I have gone through. She would let all of the little things that get on her nerves add up. She wouldn't tell me anything. After a while the started to explode over to the point where she didn't want to be with me anymore. We would go to counseling and fix the issues that got on her nerves. The cycle repeated for the next few years. I will tell you that after many years of saying she should be on medication, she has recently gotten the medication she sorely needed to balance her out. You may not think you need medication, but you should at least see a counselor and see what they have to say. As a husband of someone who is depressed I will tell you that you have no idea how much your moods affect your husband. 

If you deal with each problem as the come along, you wont have all of the built up frustration to deal with. Best of luck to you.*


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## behappy (Oct 10, 2009)

when is the last time he had blood work?
did his testosterone get checked?
if not, get it done
low test is a ****** to live with especially if you don't know.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

This sounds familiar. I try to avoid being around Hubby too much, I don't even schedule a class, I just hop in my car and go shopping.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I'm not sure how to begin to talk to him. I need to know the same thing, as my husband and I have a communication issue. I too, walk on eggshells to avoid his negativity.

Here's to hoping some men on here can provide some insight...


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Just an update...

I did "approach" my husband by sending him an email saying "Thank You" for going out dancing with me last week... one of my favorite things to do. The way I worded the email clued him in that I wanted to talk... but things went downhill from there.

He wanted to talk while I was in the middle of a project, our son was still awake, the TV was blaring and a million other things were going on. It kind of pissed me off that he would want to start the conversation that way. I'll admit I got annoyed more than anything else. 

We finally got junior down to bed and decided to eat a late dinner together and talk. We fought on/off because we're both saying the same things. I say he's too negative and he says the same thing about me! When he says "negative" he's talking about how I get irritated with our son. I don't know any parent who doesn't occasionally let their temper bubble a little bit... I don't mean boil over completely... but things have to get to you eventually. 

He also said that I act like I can't stand him. And the truth is, he's right. WHEN HE'S ACTING THIS WAY. He admitted that he's a sarcastic guy... but that I've always known that and always liked it before. He said he didn't want to have to use "company manners" with every discussion we got into. I can understand that to a point... but when your spouse is asking you to change, a minor change at that, shouldn't part of you just want to do that? To make them happy?

To answer Nancie's questions, it was always made very clear from my previous doc, who prescribed the anti-depressants, that it shouldn't be a "cure-all" that I should use for long-term. When he put me on them, he was already talking about when I could stop using them. Then we lost our insurance, moved to Texas and now we don't really have good insurance anymore. We have a disaster policy only... if we were in a car wreck, we would be covered, but that's about it. Nothing preventative or maintenance wise is covered.

Which brings me to the final part of our argument... after we decided that we both are acting like we don't want to be with each other and we both want to stay married, we decided to go to a marriage therapist or counselor of some type. Now my question is, how do you find someone? I know there are ads listed on this site (and that's where I'll start), but how do you screen a therapist?

Most important I need hubby to approve of the therapist. I told him flat out he would have to choose the person. I don't want him to blow holes in the person's theories behind my back, or when we leave the office, or even just internally. I NEED him to like the person and feel they know what they're talking about. I figure I can find 3-5 people that I like, then give him the final choice.

Anybody have any tips on how to hire a therapist? With no insurance?


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## brankj2007 (Feb 23, 2010)

Ask about a sliding fee.


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## needhelphere (Feb 17, 2010)

Cost wise, we have used a great young woman who just needed to get her hours in before receiving her credentials. She only charges us $30 a visit. We do have insurance, but we like her and our copay is $30 anyhow. We don't even have to mess with submitting it to the insurance company. 

As far as how to find someone, first you need to figure out what level of treatment you need. Do you just need a counselor/social worker? Do you need a psychologist? Do you need a psychiatrist? Once you figure that out, think about what type of spiritual beliefs you would want your therapist to have. This alone may narrow the list more than you know. When you know what you want as far as spiritual background is concerned, I would check out some discussion groups from that same background to see if you can find some names in your area. You can then call your insurance company to see if any of them are on your plan. You may have a male/female preference as well. That, too, will help you narrow it down. If you don't like your therapist after a session or two, try another one out until you are both comfortable.


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