# Address of the OM



## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Hi All,

I am back after a hiatus... I'll try to keep this short, my WW has pretty much started owning her mistakes and I am quite sure is not in contact with the OM anymore.

I asked her to send an NC letter. She wrote one up and sent it to me for review.
I printed it out and said we will post it. I thought it would be somewhat symbolic to send the thing together...

We have been arguing the past 3 days about this. She will not write down his address on an envelope, because then I will know the address???!?!?!?!

WTF?

The fact that she is protecting the OM is ringing alarm bells with me. The fact that she will not give the address seems utterly ridiculous. Her reasons range from;

You might try and bash him
"I am protecting everyone here"
What if you drive past it everyday and it triggers you?

Honestly, my intent was to just send this POS a letter and hopefully be done with it all. I am not the violent type and she knows this.

She has (apparently) had her counselor among other people tell her that I shouldn't know the address...

So am I being unreasonable in asking that we mail it instead of email? Should I be concerned that the WW is keeping this from me? Or am I just crazy


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

There's no way that I'd go forward not knowing where the OM lives. And the fact that she doesn't want you to know makes it all the more imperative that you do.

Counter her points by offering to not try to bash him as long as she no longer tries to fvck him.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

This would be infuriating to me. When i felt my WH was protecting the OW I was hurt that he seemed to be more worried about her and her life/family than me.

So, she thought you were going to write the letter together and then she was going to whisk it away and mail it to him sight unseen? I don't THINK so! If she is still protecting him like this I would assume she never intended to actually mail it in the first place.

The reasons she is giving are bogus unless you are a documented hot head with a history of assault.

Do you have enough info to find his address on your own? It sounds like he is local if she thinks you might drive by it, which may also be a ruse to throw you off his tracks.

If you have his name and age and general locale I would try the various people finders, Intelius, Spokeo etc. Sometimes , as in my WH's OW's case, she was listed in the white pages, so it was pretty easy to find her address.

But, more importantly your WW keeping info from you at this point is not a good sign.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Give her divorce papers and start the staring contest.. 
Lets see if she blinks.. 
If she loves you that much and doesn't want to lose you then she will give you the address. If she doesn't, well then she never did honestly. 

But its utter bullsh1t straight and simple. 

Do you know what the OM looks like at least ?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

No, you are not being unreasonable. If this is what it takes for your W and you to get over this, she should then be practically writing that address in the sky.

Tell her that you believe that she is trying to protect the OM, in order to keep things "smooth" with him for the future.

Then tell her it's a dealbreaker. If she doesn't give you the address for the BOTH of you to send to him, then it's over.

See how she reacts-it'll tell you EXACTLY where you stand in her eyes.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Could be next door...


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

She's playing you for a sucker.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am back after a hiatus... I'll try to keep this short, my WW has pretty much started owning her mistakes and I am quite sure is not in contact with the OM anymore.
> 
> ...


Do you have his name? Run a background check, get his address, that way you can match it up against the one she gives you.. 

She's protecting her OM, nobody else.. she doesn't want to make him angry or upset that she's ruining his life.. 

Did you hear her counselor or these other people tell her that you shouldn't know the address?... or is this something she told you? You know why I ask....

You need to put your foot down, basically.. "stop protecting your OM and start doing what I need you to do, or start packing your stuff.... "

She's still not owning crap if she's not doing something you need her to do.. You want the address, she won't give it to you.. and are you 'quite sure' or totally sure.. I wouldn't be so sure if I were you, she's still in a fog if she's still putting him in front of you.

Tell her something like this...

You've put him before me, you've put his needs before my needs.. he's been more important to you than your marriage and your husband. If you want to prove to me that I'm more important to you than your affair partner, then give me the address and we can move past this and begin to reconcile. As long as you won't do this for me, it says that he's your #1 guy, and I'm just getting more #2.... I won't settle for being your #2, and I won't settle for your weak excuses as to why you're 'protecting' us. You've proven that you're not the person to keep me safe, or to project anything. 


[*]You might try and bash him
You're worried I'll mess up your boyfriends face, how sweet of you to worry about him and protect him.. I wish you'd care so much about keeping me safe


[*]"I am protecting everyone here"
You're protecting your boyfriend, and your affair.. I can take care of myself, I don't need you to protect me.. in fact, right now you're probably the last person on earth I'd trust my security with.


[*]What if you drive past it everyday and it triggers you?
What if every other place on earth triggers me, because I have no idea where he lives, because you wouldn't tell me.. so now every house I pass will trigger me. Do me a favor and narrow it down for me please, since you're so concerned for my well being all of the sudden.

Some will say that my tone is passive aggressive.. Yea, it is...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Kick her out again and find out his address anyway and let her know you will take care of him.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Thanks all for the replies. I now have the address thanks to a people finder: AustraliaLookup.com - Australia Lookup - Australian People Finder, Reverse Telephone Directory & Reunion Website (thanks to BlueCalcite)

I was starting to feel that maybe I was being unreasonable... starting to doubt myself.

Anyway, my plan from this point forward is to:
- not let on I have the address
- ask her to give it to me, telling her its a deal breaker for me

If she gives me the address, great - I will cross check and we will mail the letter.

If she doesn't then I am ready to move on with my life. The D process is still in flight I will just keep it progressing...


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

russell28 said:


> She's protecting her OM, nobody else.. she doesn't want to make him angry or upset that she's ruining his life..


Exactly how I feel - that's why I have taken such issue with this...



russell28 said:


> Did you hear her counselor or these other people tell her that you shouldn't know the address?... or is this something she told you? You know why I ask....


Nope - hence the apparently in my sentence




russell28 said:


> You need to put your foot down, basically.. "stop protecting your OM and start doing what I need you to do, or start packing your stuff.... "
> 
> She's still not owning crap if she's not doing something you need her to do.. You want the address, she won't give it to you.. and are you 'quite sure' or totally sure.. I wouldn't be so sure if I were you, she's still in a fog if she's still putting him in front of you.
> 
> ...


I can't believe we have been arguing over this for so long. I didn't even think it would be an issue to be honest. I mean if it's over who cares, right?.... right?


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<If she gives me the address, great - I will cross check and we will mail the letter.

If she doesn't then I am ready to move on with my life. The D process is still in flight I will just keep it progressing...>>

Good for you! It does help to come here and talk these things out for a full perspective.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

If she dint gave you the address, then she will send the NC letter to her friend and both of them will laugh like devils.


She is still protecting her OM. Do you think she came clean completely? Why you are in R before knowing everything including who and where her OM lives?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> Exactly how I feel - that's why I have taken such issue with this...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly, it's not over.. even if she's not seeing him, she hasn't gotten to the point yet where she sees him as the person that helped her destroy her marriage and her life. She still sees him with fondness, and cares about him. 

In my case, my wife had to live with her mother for a month to realize he wasn't coming for her, and I was getting on with my life without her.. All of the sudden, she realized that I was the better catch than her OM and he wasn't worth the damage she had done to herself and her family... 

You shouldn't be arguing with her either, it should be a once sided conversation.. It appears that's where you are at, good for you. You are in control.. excellent. I wish you all the best.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

I'd like to say I can't believe you're even considering giving her another chance, but I've been on TAM for too long. I will say I think you're making a mistake by considering R at all, even before this whole address thing blew up. Just a few months ago your wife was asking for R while still seeing the OM. The only reason she admitted a PA at all was because you threatened to polygraph her. Do you enjoy being her wallet that much? 

How exactly did she brainwash you into taking her back between August and now? What made you say "Yeah, you've been lying about everything up till this point, have shown me a complete lack of respect and have carried on the affair after being caught red handed again and again, but now you say you're really actually sorry and that you love me so I'll take you back."


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> If she dint gave you the address, then she will send the NC letter to her friend and both of them will laugh like devils.
> 
> 
> She is still protecting her OM. Do you think she came clean completely? Why you are in R before knowing everything including who and where her OM lives?


I know who he is and I thought I knew where he lived... apparently not.

I am not sure if she has come clean completely. The more I think about it the more stuff doesn't add up. I mean she has admitted to PA, so what more can there be?

Well, how about;
- did you F him in our house?
- did you use protection?
- there are other Q's...

She has been telling me what I would like to hear - I suspect its not the truth.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

LostAndContent said:


> I'd like to say I can't believe you're even considering giving her another chance, but I've been on TAM for too long. I will say I think you're making a mistake by considering R at all, even before this whole address thing blew up. Just a few months ago your wife was asking for R while still seeing the OM. The only reason she admitted a PA at all was because you threatened to polygraph her. Do you enjoy being her wallet that much?
> 
> How exactly did she brainwash you into taking her back between August and now? What made you say "Yeah, you've been lying about everything up till this point, have shown me a complete lack of respect and have carried on the affair after being caught red handed again and again, but now you say you're really actually sorry and that you love me so I'll take you back."


Agree and know where you are coming from.

There was some action to try and reconcile and I thought it was a sign that things were changing. This was after implementing the 180.

She seemed remorseful but perhaps it was all crap.

Either way, I felt like I had nothing to lose by giving her another chance. It was a 'do it for the kids' moment. 

To be quite honest I feel like I am a big p*ssy and probably, with hindsight as my friend, should have never even married her... I shall live with my mistakes though and there are two beautiful kids in this world that need someone with a moral compass.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My advice to you is, tell her to leave and don't come back until she's ready to give you everything you need to put this behind you. You must tell her in a way that she fully understands that it's either this way or the marriage is over. Tell her that the clock is ticking and she's running out of time. If she will not give you his address tells me that your beating a dead horse. She's not over this guy. If she wanted to really save the marriage, she would have turned it over in a heart beat. I honestly don't see a good outcome if she refuses to come clean on this.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are a straight thinking guy. Your wife is testing you.

Her love has too many conditions, such as protecting the OM. If you are having good sex keep at it. Be cheerful and self confident. Don't discuss stuff too death. 

You want his address and a timeline. Press forward with D. 

As soon as you get info on him, post his mug on Cheaterville.

Be nice to your wife but not doormat nice.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You don't have to live up to your username, you know. You are getting too much into character. 

Why are you even reconciling ?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She has either lied about who he is, he lives around the corner or she is still in contact with him. I know about feeling bad about yourself and not acting like a man. I have felt that way before.

She has to know that you are all about a D without full disclosure and I am betting at this point she does not think it will happen. Have D papers served to her and put her bags on the lawn.

You have to do the 180 and be tough. I knew who the POS was before I confronted and I had his home address, phone number and work place. So confronted with the facts I had my wife came clean pretty quick.

She has to know that you are ready to end the marriage. Good luck


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If she was truly remorseful and wanting to do anything to rebuild trust with you, she would throw the OM under the bus because she doesn't care for him.

She's protecting the OM, not you, and even lying to you about people telling her not to tell you.

You are in False R. That's my honest opinion.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> Anyway, my plan from this point forward is to:
> - not let on I have the address
> - ask her to give it to me, telling her its a deal breaker for me
> 
> ...


You could ask her the simple question: what point was there in writing an NC letter, if she won't give you the address to post it to him?

Ask her idiot counsellor too.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

azteca1986 said:


> You could ask her the simple question: what point was there in writing an NC letter, if she won't give you the address to post it to him?


:iagree:

That sums it up.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

DD, this is far from where it should be in terms of R. 
You do not have the full truth.
She is still in love with him.
She has not experienced severe enough consequences for her actions.
OM has not experienced severe enough consequences for his actions.
She is not really remorseful.
You are not healed enough to easily walk away from your perceived idea of your marriage.

Now I'm hoping I am wrong about the last point but stand by all the others based on your original thread and what you have said here. Poly should still be on - you already know some of the questions to ask in terms of being in your house with him etc. What does she say about her feelings for him now (another possible question). And you need the truth behind why she really wants to R and also why she did not give you his address.

Then divorce her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

azteca1986 said:


> You could ask her the simple question: what point was there in writing an NC letter, if she won't give you the address to post it to him?
> 
> Ask her idiot counsellor too.


By just going through the motions of writing a NC letter, she was hoping that that would have been enough, and he would shut up and get off of her case. She is bluffing, and hoping that the next action she shows you is the one where you are finally satisfied and get the hell off of her case...sorta like the trickle truth (which it sounds like she is using, too). 

And the situation with the idiot counselor may be one of three things:

1. W is lying-counselor said no such thing.

2. Counselor will use "patient/counselor" confidentiality (which the W is counting on).

3. Counselor is really a man-hating divorce coach in disguise.

I strongly suspect No. 1.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I believe many cheaters enter into R without genuine remorse for hurting the spouse. As is said frequently, the cheater is sorry for getting caught but not for cheating.

The cheater then starts into damage control. Selfish damage control, not a benevolent damage control for the sake of the betrayed. Yet they say they want to protect the BS from more anguish, and perhaps the WS believes this rationalization themselves.

In any case, I think your wife is doing this. She is balancing in her mind the odds of getting the best outcome for herself based on different levels of revealing information to you. As long as she thinks you will tolerate some amount of secrecy, she will prefer secrecy to the risk of you leaving if you know the full truth.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi DD:

Your wife is hiding something, if she won't give you the address. 

That should have been disclosed long ago. 

Is she afraid you will get into a fight with this guy and maybe you will hurt him and get arrested.

I know my former AP was worried that her husband would get into a fight with me and lose. 

I wouldn't fight the OM, even though he's a little guy. 

I would let him hit me and then contact an attorney to arrange a meeting so we both could sit down and have a pow wow about the lies his wife is feeding him, and still is. 

I actually feel sorry for the guy. She's been lying to him for years and after dday still is. She lied to me too, but that's my own fault.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

DumbDude said:


> Thanks all for the replies. I now have the address thanks to a people finder: AustraliaLookup.com - Australia Lookup - Australian People Finder, Reverse Telephone Directory & Reunion Website (thanks to BlueCalcite)
> 
> I was starting to feel that maybe I was being unreasonable... starting to doubt myself.
> 
> ...


A devious but utterly wonderful plan, but there should be absolutely no negotiation about this. She gives it up now or she walks. The longer you drag it out the more entrenched she will become and that is an R killer.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

I agree with all the others. She needs to disclose the address and you get to be the person that puts the letter in the mail.

You can tell your WS what I've been thinking re: my wife's OM:
"The only reason I haven't shown up on his doorstep to confront him face to face is that I may end up arrested and I love my kids too much to have that happen."

OP - you seem like you love your kids. You wouldn't avoid going to the OM's house for her, but for them.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Getting the address is not the issue. The issue is her lying, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc.

She has no remorse. You are in false R. I have been there and went through false R for over a year. Don't you do this.

I would not argue any further over a stupid address. When she came clean that should have been willingly given. In fact you should not have even had to ask for it.

She is playing you.

Time to file. 

I personally would go dark on her and let her go.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Instead of a NC letter, send her over to other man with a letter articulating your gratitude attached to her person. He shown you who your wife really is, he needs to take some credit for his endeavor.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sad to say, but NC letters, IMHO, are only worth the paper they're written on. They are also worth the person who writes them-the same value as your marriage vows were to them.

Sure, she can send him a letter, but she can CALL him before it gets there, telling him to ignore it, and the only reason she wrote it and sent it is because her jerk-off husband MADE her do it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Sad to say, but NC letters, IMHO, are only worth the paper they're written on. They are also worth the person who writes them-the same value as your marriage vows were to them.
> 
> Sure, she can send him a letter, but she can CALL him before it gets there, telling him to ignore it, and the only reason she wrote it and sent it is because her jerk-off husband MADE her do it.


I never even sent the NC letter.. I never mentioned it to the wife either.. I just let it sit on a pile of papers for weeks. I just wanted the address... I was more concerned with getting his girlfriends name so I could let her know her man pal is a douche bag with the bonus of making him suffer some consequences since she is also his meal ticket.. I figured even if he could lie his way out of this one, she'll now be aware to keep an eye out for him either way.. I did tell her to make him show her the phone records if she doubts me.. he won't, and of course a few weeks later she called all upset that she wanted my wife to call her (she wasn't with me at that time).. so she never saw the phone records.. I would have preferred a baseball bat to his skull, but I have a family to think about so I can't go doing anything stupid or to put my family at risk, unlike my wife.. who I guess that at one point was an option.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

F-102 said:


> 1. W is lying-counselor said no such thing.
> 
> 2. Counselor will use "patient/counselor" confidentiality (which the W is counting on).
> 
> ...


Agreed.

The only reason I could imagine a counselor telling her to not tell me is if she painted some unrealistic picture of who I am. You know, if I had lots of bodies buried in the back yard or something...

I have never been a person to fight. The flight or fight in me definitely leans towards the flight.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Hi DD:
> 
> Is she afraid you will get into a fight with this guy and maybe you will hurt him and get arrested.


She says this but she is just covering her own ass.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Sad to say, but NC letters, IMHO, are only worth the paper they're written on. They are also worth the person who writes them-the same value as your marriage vows were to them.
> 
> Sure, she can send him a letter, but she can CALL him before it gets there, telling him to ignore it, and the only reason she wrote it and sent it is because her jerk-off husband MADE her do it.


This. Even if she gives you the address, she hasn't bought in to the whole "being remorseful" thing. And until that happens, most of the other stuff is just acting out a part.

C


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As everyone has said---she either gives you the address and anything else you need---or D, goes on the table immediately

If she is into the mge, then there is no protecting her lover---NO MATTER WHAT

Your problem may be she still has feelings for him---the only way to bring about cold turkey, getting him out of her mind---is if she faces something much worse, that being left on her own, as in D woman, with kids, who will have to work one to two jobs a day---just to break even

Stop being nice about this----she either is on board for the greatest gift she will ever receive-----HER SECOND CHANCE---or she needs to be set free---that way she can hide all kinds of information about all kinds of men---her problem will be---these men, don't want her for anything more than some sex----they sure as he*l are never gonna take care of her


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Tell her you need to know the address so you can drop off all her things off at.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

This is one of the mechanisms of infiedlity that sucks donkey phallus. When our spouses start making choices for us.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Does she have an address to which you can send her divorce papers?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> She says this but she is just covering her own ass.


So where do you stand?

Your wife figures you will just eventually accept it.

What are your options?

Continue to ask for it and hope she gives in?

Continue to ask for it and have her keep telling you, "no."

Just give up and accept it?

File for divorce and see if she values the marriage enough to give you the address, or if she would rather get divorced over it?

Her hiding the address from you, in my opinion, is her remaining faithful to her other man and being unfaithful to you. That is how I feel. There should be no secrets between wife and other man that I am not aware of - including his address.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Sad to say, but NC letters, IMHO, are only worth the paper they're written on. They are also worth the person who writes them-the same value as your marriage vows were to them.
> 
> Sure, she can send him a letter, but she can CALL him before it gets there, telling him to ignore it, and the only reason she wrote it and sent it is because her jerk-off husband MADE her do it.


But the fight over the nc letter has told him everything he needs to know. It did its job.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> The only reason I could imagine a counselor telling her to not tell me is if she painted some unrealistic picture of who I am.


Never underestimate how incompetent some counselors are.

It's like any other profession. Someone had to graduate at the bottom of the class.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> But the fight over the nc letter has told him everything he needs to know. It did its job.


I believe the value of the NC letter is in the cheater's willingness to write it, send it, and get on the betrayed spouse's "side." The message is secondary. In this case, it did indeed show that his cheating wife is not on his side and that she doesn't "get it."


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Getting the address is not the issue. The issue is her lying, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc.
> 
> She has no remorse. You are in false R. I have been there and went through false R for over a year. Don't you do this.


I went through a false R as well.. 

This plays more with me then the affair honestly.

To have someone I thought loved me just out and out lie to me as she still met this other man on the side AFTER GETTING CAUGHT.. Lying to a therapist, making up stories when she was on the verge of getting caught again and again..

I just think those lies hurt more than the ones during the affair. 

DD don't fall into this.. Trust me it will hurt your ego more than the affair lies. They are just more devious.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Don't press for the address from her for a long while. 2 reasons
1. you wanted her to give it to you willingly, and she is unwilling which is a huge red flag and all the information you really need. In true R the red flags are non-existent. You are not in a true R,

2. You have to assume that the address is where they have been together and if she is still to see him it will be there that she ends up and you know where to find her. GPS her secretly and catch her in the act.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know his name? Then pay a PI to find him and give you his info.

Then you can play it a couple of ways

1. Randomly start driving by his place innocently when she is in the car.

2. Get her in the car and without telling her drive to his place. Get out open the trunk, remove the suit case you put there earlier, set it on the curb, and her to get out with it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I also went through false R. Was way before TAM and I had no idea how the situation should have been handled. 

My ex never had any remorse, only that he got caught. He still blamed me for his cheating 5yrs later. It was always my fault he stepped out.

And guess what, he started up an EA after all we went through. And that is why we are now divorced. Just wish I would have left him the first time and not wasted another 5yrs or my life. 

Years of false R, IMO is one of the most damaging things you can do to your self and well being.


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## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

So did she gave you the adress or not? You said you are ready to move on if she doesn't. Or does it takes 2 or more days to ask for it? If you haven't asked do it now and make her decide right there and now and based on her answer make your decision whether to move on or not. The sooner you do this the sooner you'll be able to heal and return to your normal life.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

For some reason I cannot access TAM from my home internet connection, only work (when I am on my break of course).

Anyway, address given after much ado. Doesn't match what I found on that people finder site.

Did a drive by and there was an auspost van out the front. So that matches what the OM was doing for a living. Still suspicious though.

Oh and yes, its nice and close. About 800m (half mile for those metric challenged individuals).


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

For some reason I cannot access TAM from my home internet connection, only work (when I am on my break of course).

Anyway, address given after much ado. Doesn't match what I found on that people finder site.

Did a drive by and there was an auspost van out the front. So that matches what the OM was doing for a living. Still suspicious though.

Oh and yes, its nice and close. About 800m (half mile for those metric challenged individuals).


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Give her the divorce papers now. Tell her it is a short walk to his place, she can carry her own bag.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I wold seriously wonder why she didn't give you the address without a fight. Perhaps she doesn't want you to know where to look for her. 

He is just a short walk from your place. That make it awfully easy to keep things going. 

Does she go for walks or jogging?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

No way this is over.


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