# How do I meet a good woman and how do approach her?



## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

So here's the situation. I am a single 35 year old man who has never had a serious relationship. Never dated in High School because I was over weight and shy. I was a virgin until I was 19 and without my buddies help (he hooked up a booty call for me), probably would still be a virgin today. Ok maybe I'm exaggerating. 

I've dated a few women who usually I met through friends or co-workers, some from internet chat, and one from a wrong number (yes a wrong number and we got to chatting, then dating). The thing is, now that I'm older, and never actually been in a relationship longer than a few weeks, I really don't know how to meet a decent girl. I can no longer rely on my friends hooking something up for me because we are no longer kids, lol. :rofl:

I am very terrible at approaching women. I literally fear it.  After the ice has been broken though, I am fine. I dont know why but that's just how I am. When women approach me, I have no problem. It's just me approaching them that is the problem. 

I already know someones going to ask why my relationships are so short and dont last. Here's my explanation: I'm an idiot. No not really but I have this unbelievable knack at attracting married or promiscuous women. I'm looking for a good woman not a ticket on the public bus, lol. The one good relationship I had (a 6 year friendship) I blew from letting another girl (the crazy one) sabotage us. So she married the next guy. Ever see the movie good luck chuck? Yeah that's me. 

But for the most part I haven't had a long relationship because I usually break it off when I feel the girl I'm dating isn't wifey material. Now that I'm older I'm a lot less picky but the approach is what's killing me. I'm otherwise a normal well adjusted guy with a good head on my shoulders. According to friends and family, I have no reason for being habitually single. I can be rather shy when around new people but have an excellent rapport around long time friends and family.

My roommate thinks it's just me being self-conscious about whatever. I guess I am to a point, but I am confident enough to know I'm a good catch. Need some suggestions here. Please help. Thanks.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Must admit, I am almost reluctant to reply as I thought your post could be a practical joke from one of my friends. With some slight differences, you have pretty much just described one of my closest friends to a tee. He is attractive, educated, successful and everybody thinks he is just the nicest guy. He is also 50 years old (does not look it all) and has never been married. Now a twist to his situation, one of his relationships did result in a child several years ago. He was dating a decent gal and some of us believe it was an attempt on her part to get him to put a ring on her finger. However, it did not end up that way. Still, he is a great dad. He is also very fearful of marriage. He just freezes up in a relationship when things are going rather well. He does not cheat on these women and seems to treat them respectfully. The supporting evidence to that is the women he has dated have nothing bad to say about him. The women are also very cordial to him even after they are no longer dating. He used to believe he had just not found the right person yet. Now he knows and admits it is not the issue. It is frustrating for him, to the point he will refrain from dating and entering a relationship for awhile.

Obviously I do not know you well enough to conclude you have the same issues my friend does, but good grief the story line seems so familiar to me. :scratchhead:


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

Man I hope I'm not still single at 50! That would majorly suck! My main reason is I just never make myself available. The few girls I ever dated were nice girls with exception to one. I just am socially awkward I think because I never dated as a teen and really dont get out much. 

I seem normal according to my co-workers. My best friend thinks I'm just a big wuss who is afraid of women. Somewhat true, lol. In social situations I can be so quiet that my friends joke that they forgot I was even there. I am the man when I'm with the immediate family. Maybe I spent so much time alone or with my family I never learned to be social outside of that circle? Everyone who knows me says I'm such a great guy but those who dont know me think I'm creepy cuz I'm too quiet. What I do know is if I meet a good woman soon, she will receive 5 years worth of me being solo, lol. I'm serious and joking at the same time. I got a lot of love to give to the right woman!

Anyone have any suggestions of what I can to to better my situation? I'm starting to feel really lonely and deprived of affection! I need a change. I need love!


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Ooofff!!! You share very much the same behavior as my friend. His profession choice and career definitely enforced the quiet behavior etiquette he already developed in high school. At bigger social gatherings, he’s the stand back and observe type. However even at family and smaller friend gatherings, his socializing has limits. He is more open on the 1 to 1, but if you add more than 3 people, he tends to be the ears and not the mouth. And yes, those who learn of his profession but do not actually know him can be intimidated by his quietness. Irony is, those of us who are his friends know what a big push over he really can be.  

On a social level with women he is an absolute nincompoop! Which he admits to. Don’t get me wrong, he knows how to be a gentleman, but it’s the opening up and exposing himself (emotionally) which he is terrible at. Throughout the years women have usually approached and pursued him (again, his is a good looking guy). He is getting better at initiated the “getting to know you” interactions with a woman now. Possibly because he has started to realize most women assume at his age he must be married.

He and I have spoken about the concept of trying to find the “right woman” and instead to be slightly more focused on whether you are the “right man”. You can find many flaws in any person if you have them under a microscope long enough. At the same time, do not be afraid to be you. There are so many jerks and weirdo’s out there that if a genuinely nice guy says a simple “Hello” to a woman or even gives her a friendly smile he will have won half the battle of introducing himself already.

Oh, and I’ll add one more thing my friend and I have discussed. Love for your family and even your children is a somewhat given. We are typically expected to love them unless they have treated us wrongfully. When you open your life up to someone outside of that genetic connection, you are making yourself vulnerable that they will see all of your quirks and idiosyncrasies. We all have them. When you find the “right person” you will be able to smile and still think to yourself, “That’s why I love her/him“, because those quirks make them who they are. Then you walk over, pick up the pair of underwear they left on the bathroom floor for the 5th day in a row and put them in the hamper which was only roughly five feet away. At the same time you can smile while doing it because hopefully your partner can feel the same way about your quirks. That’s the kind of unconditional love we should try to give and hopefully receive.

P.s. In stating quirks/idiosyncrasies/flaws, I’m not referring to overlooking behaviors which are undesirable and by their very nature hurt others.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I've always been very shy, didn't date much in high school (I ended up marrying the one and only guy I dated in high school, we recently got divorced) so I'm new to the dating arena too and understand your hesitation. It may be a little easier for me as a woman because it's easier to get guys to approach you than the other way around, but I'm horrible at reading "flirting" signals and never can make a first move. I'm exactly like you described in social situations, pretty much keep to myself and don't say much. I don't go out that much and just have a few very close friends.

All that being said, I decided to try online dating. It was much easier for me to talk to someone and be a little more forward via chatting rather than in person. The anonymity took away a lot of my shyness. Plus, you already know that the person is single (hopefully anyway!) and interested in dating and must be talking to you because of something they liked about your profile. It takes some of the self-doubt out of it. The first time I met someone in public, I was very nervous but it got easier and I ended up meeting someone online that I really clicked with (even over chatting) and we've now been dating for several months. After being able to get to know him via email and chatting, I was much less nervous and awkward in person. We already had things to talk about and knew we liked each other's personality. 

I guess the other suggestion which many people offer is to join a club or activity that exposes you to new people and gives you an easy way to chat with people without pressure. If I hadn't met my current boyfriend, I might have tried that but in social situations I clam up really bad. I could be mountain biking or making pottery or whatever for hours in a group of 30 people and somehow not manage to say more than 5 words to anyone. It sounds like you might be the same way. 

That's my suggestion FWIW.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would also suggest the on-line approach. I SUCKED at the picking up part of dating before I got married... Never any luck, was shy, couldn't read body signals, etc... Actually, I'm not AS shy anymore to begin with, but I still suck at reading body language and interest.

But with on-line services, that's not as much of an issue. You can build a certain degree of rapport prior to meeting in person. You can search for someone who you think might be physically attractive to you, as well as similar interests. Of course, at some point, you still need to transition your virtual game to real life...

C


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

It does sound like your friend and I have many of the same personality traits. At least now I know I'm not alone. What's ironic is that I work retail part time and deal with people face to face on a daily basis at my night time job at an auto parts store. I have dealt with many women at this level, although I still have trouble asking them out or getting a phone number. I have a female co-worker who always calls on me to help the women who come in, lol. To be honest, if she wasn't already happily married, I have an excellent relationship with her although we are only friends. My morning full time job I drive a truck and only have to deal with one co-worker who happens to be my best friend since grade school. As far as the relationships go, my only real issue was being with the wrong girl. I never had any problems in a relationship setting. I am very good at the emotional/personal level of a relationship. I share everything as I am very open. As I said before it is mainly the meeting or finding someone new, or approaching someone new that I have a problem with.

The online dating thing I have tried with no success. For the most part, the women in my target age group are very selective of who they respond to. They want a guy with the six pack abs and a handsome face. I am 30 pounds overweight and fairly average on looks. I have a profile on a few online dating sites and have yet to receive any solid hits. I've gotten some responses from older women whom I am not attracted to unfortunately.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I probably should be listening to that little voice inside my head which is telling me to “Just drop it!”, but after so many long talks with my friend, I feel like I should pass along some information. The biggest reason for sharing all of this is because until I found myself single again, I always thought he was happily living his single status.

About a year and a half ago he asked me how I was handling everything since the divorce. During the conversation, I kind of broke down a little when I stated how I admired that he seems so comfortable and ok all these years being single and wished I could get to that point also. It wasn’t long before admitting to me that he isn’t completely happy either. I was somewhat surprised, because I (along with many friends) did not know that. He shared more with me than he probably has our other friends. Including the fact he has even spoken to a few counselors. I was also shocked to learn how some years ago a few individuals decided he must be gay and sent that rumor to circulate. Hello!!!! He’s been with woman! He just doesn’t marry them.

Anyhow, back to the suggestions which the little voice disagrees I should share. 



johnboy63 said:


> To be honest, if she wasn't already happily married, I have an excellent relationship with her although we are only friends.


Your co-worker is an unavailable prospect. Yet, you are kind of focused on her. Hence, someone who is unavailable is not a threat to hurting you emotionally. From the way things sound, you are very much like my friend. If, on the flip side, this girl were available, it would take less than a year for you to find that “She wasn’t the one either."



johnboy63 said:


> As far as the relationships go, my only real issue was being with the wrong girl.


In my friend's late 20’s, he had one of those also. He discovered she had been extremely promiscuous with other guys while they were together. For along time he blamed the pain from that relationship for his fears towards getting married. Now he realizes it was present long before that.

I give kudos to those who have had success and enjoy the online matchmaking/dating sites. It’s just not for me. I have heard good stories and bad with it all. A few of my girlfriends were together while one of them accessed her online dating account. While going through possible matches, one of them stated “Hey, I purchased a picture frame at Target with the same photo of that guy in it!” She brought the frame over two days later and sure enough, it was the same photo. The girlfriend who had the account responded with a message of how odd it was the photo of him was the same as the one in picture frame. She never received another message from him again. Totally reminded me of the song “Online” by Brad Paisley. Way too many weirdo’s out there for me. I’ll weed through them on more level playing grounds.

So, I really do not mean to come across as belittling. Like I said before, so much of your story parallels with my guy friend’s. Knowing what I do now, I think it’s even harder to see him single than it is myself. If only he would’ve begun to explore the reason behind it all when he was 15 years younger. Like at 35 years old.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Dating advice forum : eHarmony Advice

I read little bit in your thread and was surfing the internet. I found this site i thought it might be helpful

IMO a little advice is to accept and embrace yourself and find more good and positive things in your personality. Knowing your strength points will give you more confidence in approaching the opposite sex.

Good Luck!!!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What hobbies do you pursue? That is really the best way to meet someone, because you already have a common interest. Do you have a skill you could teach in an informal setting (county recreation class, for example)? This is another way to meet people. 

The hardest part for many is the "initial approach" because the fear of rejection is high at that moment. Really work on changing your attitude, because right now, you fear being rejected. Try to take on an "I guess she isn't smart enough to see what a catch I am!" attitude, one where you are grateful to have early warning of someone you really don't want to waste time getting to know. Yes, I'm exaggerating a bit, but the point is, learn to see "rejection" as "filtering." We all filter people all the time. It is not about US, it is about the person doing the filtering--they have particular needs/wants to meet, and they filter for those. It is just irrational to think that someone who does not even know you can reject your--she is looking for 6'4" and you are 5'11"--there is nothing wrong with you, it is just that she is looking for something else. If you can cultivate this attitude, you will start finding it much easier to approach people and to enjoy it, which will increase your chances of meeting someone.


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses. I know it is not easy diagnosing deep rooted problems with just a internet forum thread. I've been reflecting on my past relationships and have concluded that I was being too critical with myself and my GF's. Kind of like Jerry Seinfeld when he nit picked every last detail of his dates and never had a chance with any of them. Most were because of me being not ready for commitment and general fear of being with the wrong person. One of my last gf's was a great person but when I found out she had slept with a womanizer buddy of mine I was completely turned off and broke up with her. The one girl I did actually love and could have been committed to I lost because of another girl sabotaging our friendship. We were friends for several years and were close but never sexually intimate. Then I met another girl who sent her nasty emails and phone calls out of jealousy. She felt betrayed and our friendship quickly went sour. She later suddenly eloped with someone else. I have tried to repair our friendship but the damage has been done. Now it is just a matter of making myself available to meet new people. My best friend always teases me I must be gay, but the fact remains I am not attracted to men, lol. He's just so much of a playboy that he see's my lack of women as odd. 

As far as hobbies, I love regular guy stuff like fixing up my motorcycle, cars, truck (yes I have all three), shooting guns, movies, music, outdoor stuff like camping, hiking, biking, etc. I've never been much of an athlete so sports is rare for me. I recently picked up bowling with my friends every wednesday night. I live downtown so bars and nightclubs are just across the street. I work two jobs, one full time and one part time so my personal time is limited to late friday night and saturday and sunday. I also spend my days off visiting my aging parents to help around the house. I am their mechanic and handy man. Other than that I have no real excuses for being habitually single! It's been seven years since I was in brief relationship and over four years since my last date!


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

johnboy63 said:


> general fear of being with the wrong person.





johnboy63 said:


> It's been seven years since I was in brief relationship and over four years since my last date!


Double Oooooffff!!! These similarities are becoming frightening.

That being said, I think I should really be asking my friend what his advice to you would be. What would he have done 15 years or more ago to change his situation?

I have plans to see him later this evening. Helped him out on something and I need to give him paperwork and details. Johnboy63, actually you may find humor in this story due to one of your places of employment. 

My friend took his Sea Doo jet ski in for a regular tune up service to the big local motor sports dealership. I had already questioned his desire to do so as they rake everyone over the coals with their outrageous service prices. Just about anyone you talk to here in town will state the same thing. My Ex and I have done business with this dealership but only to order parts for dirt bikes. If my Ex couldn’t fix the problem (which seldom happened), he took the dirt bike to a mechanic but never this dealer. Case in point, a service mechanic from the dealer called my friend a few days ago and stated it was going to cost $2,500 because jet ski needed an engine rebuild. Long story short, I dropped it off to another mechanic today. I didn’t mind doing that favor for him at all because when it comes to mechanical jargon all he hears is “Blah …. Blah …. Blah “. The new mechanic told me today, a complete top end rebuild (cylinders, pistons, rings, gaskets, etc….) wouldn’t cost more than $950 and that’s if the Sea Doo even needs it. A huge difference from what the dealer’s estimate was.

Guess I should back up a moment to explain that my friend is so not “Mr. Fit-It“. Sadly, I know more than he does. Which seems odd, because he is rather educated. Every time I asked him for an adjustable wrench, he brings me a pair of slip joint or combination pliers. One day I finally told him, “Dude, we need to discuss the difference between wrenches and pliers.” I know the difference and I only have a Bachelor’s Degree, much less than the extent of his education. LOL! Anyhow, my friend said he was going to buy me dinner tonight for doing the favor with his jet ski.

I’m thinking that part of dinner conversation will be, “Do you see the similarities in your two stories? And …. What would you suggest?”

I’ll get back to you with what he says.


P.S., Sorry for getting off topic with the "mechanic" stuff. Just thought johnboy63 would find the humor in it all.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I was really shy in the early teenage years. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, my dad dogged me constantly about getting this girl or that one between the sheets. The college years were really crazy. 

To tell the truth, I just finally accepted that I would screw up a large percentage of the time, but I was just going to be myself, and be honest. So yes, I screwed up a lot, but a few felt sorry for me and went out anyway. After a while, I just got comfortable with myself and got better. Avoided canned pickup lines. Get a foot in the door, then hurry up and just shut up if you're not asking her about herself. Of course, the college I went to was a party college. Usually, everybody in the place expected to end up in their dorm or apartment with someone else, so it made it easy.

I've been married a long time, but I seem to meet new friends pretty easily. Drives my wife crazy sometimes. One thing I'd strongly recommend is to think about the kind of places you would imagine the good woman going to. To church? To the volunteer food drive? To the open house for a new restaraunt? Then go there, and be willing to screw up when you introduce yourself. People cut you slack if you're willing to laugh at yourself, since its a sign of confidence. Just be honest and sincere, but with lightness so you don't scare her, and realize that she might be just a nervous as you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have a couple practical suggestions. 

I'm a girl and more like you, in that I'm somewhat quiet and like being at home...I'm techie, a gamer and I like cars (specifically muscle cars). And when I was mid-30's with two kids, I thought I was a stunning person but who will ever take the time to get to know me? 

Sooooooo...I decided to stop stressing about it and just try a few things and maybe it would flop and maybe it would work! :lol:

I tried eHarmony and Match.com and those really didn't work for me, but honestly I think that was "just my luck" because from eHarmony I got one guy I thought was pretty neat except that he was still not divorced and his wife was in Europe and all he did was talk about her... and I'm not "into" dating married guys!  From Match.com I had a few dates but they felt like it was "if I buy you dinner I get to have sex with you" dates...and I'm not into being bought!  

I tried Expresso Dating and that was kind of fun because we met at a local coffee shop woman stayed put and men moved from table to table every 3 minutes, and then you said if you were interested or not. I didn't get a big relationship but did have fun meeting people (men and woman), made friends, and enjoyed the coffee houses! 

I printed up cards with my personal name and home phone on them, and there were two fellas I had seen around who caught my eye (one at a class we both attended and another at a coffee house) and so the next time I saw those guys I gave them "my card"  Both of those turned into several good dates and good friends. 

Finally I sort of said, "Oh skip I'll just do what I'm interested in" so I was on Marriagebuilders.com helping other people who were going through an affair. My previous marriage had ended because of an affair and I figured I could help people right? So naturally while working on there I met a fella also working who caught my interest, and the rest as they say, is history. Now I call him "Dear Hubby"


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

So …… talked my friend last night. Shared with him this thread topic and how the similarities were ironic. As I gave him the details you have shared, he answered with “Yep” and “I know” several times. When I mentioned you stating 



johnboy63 said:


> those who dont know me think I'm creepy cuz I'm too quiet.


And how I thought his quietness might come across more as intimidating. He answered with, “Been labeled as arrogant also.” Oooo! I never would have thought that because he is so not!

He was fully aware of the Seinfeld episode(s) you mentioned. (I never really watched the show.)



johnboy63 said:


> Kind of like Jerry Seinfeld when he nit picked every last detail of his dates and never had a chance with any of them.


When I finished with my little spill of gossip, I asked, “Do you see how your stories parallel?’ Without a seconds hesitation, he said, “Yes. We are both doomed.” I came back with, “You need to come up with something better than that. You really have no advice, even hindsight?” Him, “To always hope.” Me, “Ya? And how’s that been working out for you?’ He didn’t respond, as it was a rhetorical question anyways.

The common behavior you two share which raises the big red flag to me is how you both “fear being with the wrong person“. His fear of that ends up superseding his desire to keep a longtime companion. I would suggest to start working on that fear. My friend has developed a few little claustrophobia issues just in the past 5 years. A counselor told him they are directly associated to a fear which he has not resolved; hence, his fear of marriage.


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## preppy12 (May 17, 2011)

Man, I am jealous of you because I have been good looking and shy for most of my life but I didn't get to lose my virginity till I was 22. I don't know why really...i think that I passed up too many chances because of fear...

Anyway: I found that approaching women in malls works out very well. I have been doing it for 2 years now. I have gotten good results. You just talk to women in malls. There is a lot of them there. 

If you don't know what to say, use lines from here Pick Up Lines Blog! 

But keep in mind that these are just a crutch for until you get good.


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