# I feel like i have fallen out of love. Should i tell him everything?



## flash4 (Dec 19, 2014)

For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn't very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.

I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really hang out with or talk to. I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20's. Now i look back on my life i don't think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i don't ever really feel satisfied. I have told him what i like, but he is pretty inexperienced as he hasn't been with many girls.

One day i was feeling pretty lonely and down and i had a suggestion of people i may know on Facebook, one being this guy i used to be friends with and had a major crush on back in the day. It has been many years since we last spoke, so i sent him a request. We started talking for a few weeks and i opened up and told him things in my marriage haven't been that great. He started flirting a lot and being pretty suggestive. At first i told him to stop, but then i caved. We talked for about a week about meeting up to have an NSA type thing, but then the feelings i had for him before starting to come back. I have never done a No strings attached thing with any guy ever, so it felt a bit wrong to me, but i thought that maybe a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me. I told the guy that i was considering ending the marriage because i have tried for months to fix things, but i feel the feelings i had for him are gone. He said as long as i was mentally disconnected from my husband that was fine with him.

So after a few days this guy starts to reply less and less, and then eventually says he doesn't want to sleep around and it is awkward being i am married, and he doesn't want to go through with it anymore. He said he found me very attractive, but had no romantic feelings for me, but he didn't want us to stop talking and really cares about our friendship, and would text me later seems he was at work.

He never text me, and after 5 days i told him that i really cared about our friendship also, and felt that what we had talked about had changed things, and i was just in a vulnerable state being in a marriage that is on the rocks, and i don't want to come across like an awful person being i am still married, and no reply. After trying to reach out a few times and being upright ignored, i removed him off Facebook. I later regretted doing so and re-added him. Pathetic i know, and of course he ignored the request.

So i told this whole story as i desperately need advice:

1) Should i tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with the other guy.

2) Do you think this could just be a phase? I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love with him, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don't want to walk away and regret things. My emotions are all over the place right now.

3) I feel totally gutted that i ruined my friendship with this other guy and blame myself. Now i feel like he just sees me as some girl who was willing to mess around with another guy while married, and i really don't want him to see me this way. We have never done anything sexually with each other, and i really care about my friendships, especially as i don't have many close friends. Some people think that his goal was to sleep with me and then i came on too strong. Do you think i should blame myself for him ignoring me and stopping talking to me? Do you think i did all i could to save the friendship and should just leave it alone now? After him ignoring me and not talking to me for over a month now, i still fantasize about him every day sexually.

I just don't know what to do at all. I do not work currently so every day i constantly dwell on the whole situation, and feel very lonely and unfulfilled in my life. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won't, and i just don't know what to do. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn't me at all. I don't know why i was even considering this with this other guy. I am disappointed in myself and feel ashamed. Sorry this is so long but i wanted to include everything.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Get a job.

Stop any emotional affairs now or in the future.

Tell your husband if you want. Be prepared to get kicked to the curb.

Because that's what I would do if I were married to you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You state that you feel "totally gutted" that you "ruined" your friendship with this Facebook guy.

Huh?

First of all, this is a guy that you hadn't seen or spoken with in many years. How does a few weeks of Facebook sexting qualify as a friendship? The only reason you even thought about him in all those years was he just happened to pop up in the "People You May Know" screen.

Second, this man was no friend to you. Friends don't try to seduce married people and undermine their marriages. You should thank your lucky stars that he backed off, or you would likely be embroiled in a messy affair right now.

As for telling your husband, I think Revamped is right--you may get booted to the curb.

You DO need to tell your husband all of your ambiguous feelings regarding your marriage. If you don't want to be married to him, be honest, set him free so he can find someone who DOES want to be married to him.


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## flash4 (Dec 19, 2014)

I think you make a good point. I think i was clinging onto any form of attention from a guy i find somewhat attractive as i have lacked attention from my husband. 

We were good friends back in the day, but that was many years ago so i am sure he has now changed a lot. Other people also agreed he didn't seem much of a friend and seemed to just want to get laid.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think you may just have that backwards a touch.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

flash4 said:


> ...i felt my husband wasn't very supportive.


Here we go again.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You need to take control of your life which will give you self-esteem & not be so co-dependent on your husband for EVERYTHING. Get a job, go to school, get some hobbies, get your chronic pain in order.

Do you think you may be depressed? If so, please seek medical attention.

Stop blaming your husband for your problems. Own it. Stop obsessing over other guys because that will not solve your problems, only make them worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So now you see - involving someone else wasn't the solution to the problems you still feel in your marriage.

Do not try to befriend that guy anymore. Ever. 

Talk to your husband about how you feel in your marriage and make a plan to commit to it or get out.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

True friends don't wreck their friends marriages.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please tell your husband everything. You are going to find out what both of you are made of.

Counseling would be a good idea, too.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> You DO need to tell your husband all of your ambiguous feelings regarding your marriage. If you don't want to be married to him, be honest, set him free so he can find someone who DOES want to be married to him.


BINGO!

Sure, your H may not be the greatest at being a H, lover, etc but he certainly does not deserve deceit, betrayal and complete destruction of his life. He deserves a serious talk that would entail discussions of D and the reason you have come to this point in the relationship. He will either agree to D and respect you for being forthright or he will ask that he is afforded the chance to really examine the what and whys so corrective action can be made thus making the marriage more fulfilling, not just for you, but both. 

Keep the OM on FB unfriended. He is not a friend to you or the marriage.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Pain is unavoidable, so it is better that he hears from you about your betrayal and how you have been feeling about the marriage, than for him to be blindsided through discovery of his own.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You allowed someone else to taint your marriage.

Clear the path to your H, confess it... make it right.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

flash4 said:


> My lack of feelings for my husband have *made me *act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it *just isn't me *at all. I don't know why i was even considering this with this other guy. I am disappointed in myself and feel ashamed. Sorry this is so long but i wanted to include everything.


You really need to stop using langauage that puts the blame on other people.

You are now officially a cheater.
Nothing you can say can take that away.

There is growth to be had here, but I dont think you will have the heart to do it. The truth will come out and your husband will leave.

Should you tell him? 
Yes.
Give the marriage a fighting chance.

That way if it does fail you can at least part ways knowing you gave it a good try.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You allowed someone else to taint your marriage.
> 
> Clear the path to your H, confess it... make it right.


They both allowed it. He could have listened, really listened, a long time ago. And it still does not excuse her cheating.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You cheated on your husband. The fact that the OM didn't go through with it is beside the point. YOU were completely willing to go through with it. Tell him, and own the consequences.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> You really need to stop using langauage that puts the blame on other people.
> 
> You are now officially a cheater.
> Nothing you can say can take that away.
> ...


If he leaves, let him go. You need someone who is going to listen when you speak.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I have a sneaking suspicion she didn't listen to him either jld.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please elaborate, Blossom.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

If you have an aversion for a face to face talk with your husband, then consider printing out your first post and giving it to him to read.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> They both allowed it. He could have listened, really listened, a long time ago. And it still does not excuse her cheating.


:iagree:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Get this out there, hon. He is not meeting your needs, and he sure is not going to be happy with how you have coped.

If you don't have kids, and he doesn't want to commit to working on this with you, I think a divorce is in order. Win/Win, or No Deal.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Please elaborate, Blossom.


It takes two willing to listen. So, listening is not all on him.

"I constantly told my husband how i felt and *he kept saying that he was being supportive*, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself."

See... so my question is.. why did she not self assess at that point if he felt he WAS being supportive and ask herself why she could not feel his support since feelings can be deceptive. But, no... she chose to shut him out.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

We're only getting her side of the story. We've heard what living with the H is like, we haven't heard what living with her is like.

The husband thought he was being supportive. She thought he wasn't. There is clearly a disconnect there, likely in the form of each of them doing what THEY would want done for THEM to feel loved, not doing what the other person actually needs to feel loved. 

Maybe she wants more quality time so she thinks, "If he loved me, he'd take me to the movies or dinner or just talk with me," but he's thinking, "I've cleaned and cooked for months since you are ill, can't you see that I love you?"

I'm just not going to go straight to blaming the husband since his voice isn't here to tell his side. 

flash4, you screwed up by getting into an emotional affair with a man online. That's 100% on you. No one makes you do anything, ever. You need to figure out exactly what you feel is missing in your relationship, then ask your husband that same question, and you both need to actually LISTEN. Fully absorb what the other is saying, don't sit there and formulate what you're going to say while the other is still talking. Repeat what they say back. "So I hear you saying you would like me to help out around the house some more?" "So I hear you saying you would like me to plan a night out for us twice a month?" 

Try communicating openly and honestly. If it's not working at home, go to a marriage counselor.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> It takes two willing to listen. So, listening is not all on him.
> 
> "I constantly told my husband how i felt and *he kept saying that he was being supportive*, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself."
> 
> See... so my question is.. why did she not self assess at that point if he felt he WAS being supportive and ask herself why she could not feel his support since feelings can be deceptive. But, no... she chose to shut him out.


She gave up? And instead of making it official, she took it underground?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> She gave up? And instead of making it official, she took it underground?


She didn't self assess. He could have very well been supportive but couldn't see or hear it depending on her past. I've been through this with my H. Because of my past, I have missed it sometimes when he WAS there for me. I've had to learn to self assess and look with clearer eyes and mind. And NOT give up if I was in the wrong. I don't hear that level of introspection from this OP.

All I hear is justification for an affair.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think she is trying. She _is_ young.

Hope she returns.


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## flash4 (Dec 19, 2014)

Thank you for all the replies, i really appreciate the feedback. Like someone else said, there are two sides to the story, so he could well also have many things that bug him about our relationship that he has not expressed to me.

I think someone mentioned me shutting him out in a previous post. I tried many times to express things to him for months and i got shut down in my responses. He would just say "i do do that," or "I don't act like that you are taking it the wrong way." I got so frustrated feeling like i was not being listened to that i just carried on and stopped telling him my concerns. I was focused on my illness, and trying to get better.

I by no means think my husband is completely to blame at all. I have just been going back and fourth in my head these past few weeks in how i should go about saying/moving forward, and i guess as my emotions are so up in the air i wanted to ask people out of the situation their thoughts.

I am not saying my behavior was right, it was very wrong and i know this. I looked for attention from this other guy, and created a fantasy in my head that never existed. I thought this guy could possibly be everything i want that i lack with my husband. It is obviously very unrealistic, but i guess when you are in a certain place emotionally it makes sense to you.

The issue is that i have fallen out of love with my husband, and i am wondering if there is any way to get back to how we were. If there is, i really want to work on things, but i don't know if it is too late. I think the comments here have been very helpful. Maybe marriage counseling is a good step forward. If after this i still don't feel any different, i think it is best to move on.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

flash4 said:


> Thank you for all the replies, i really appreciate the feedback. Like someone else said, there are two sides to the story, so he could well also have many things that bug him about our relationship that he has not expressed to me.
> 
> I think someone mentioned me shutting him out in a previous post. I tried many times to express things to him for months and i got shut down in my responses. He would just say "i do do that," or "I don't act like that you are taking it the wrong way." I got so frustrated feeling like i was not being listened to that i just carried on and stopped telling him my concerns. I was focused on my illness, and trying to get better.
> 
> ...


YES... there is a way back to your husband.. You can fall in love again. I've done it twice. It is never too late. It will never be how you were, but if you do the work it can be better than where you were. Starting with seeing HIM with new eyes...


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I think she's too foggy to appreciate the magnitude of her betrayal.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Your first move needs to be confessing to him to give him the gift of choosing to stay or leave.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Your first move needs to be confessing to him to give him the gift of choosing to stay or leave.


I think this is good. I am wondering if she should do it with the counselor present, or just on her own, right away.

For sure don't try to control his reaction, OP. Please let him leave if that is what he is inspired to do.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> I think this is good. I am just wondering if she should do it with the counselor present, or just on her own, right away.
> 
> For sure don't try to control his reaction, OP. Please let him leave if that is what he is inspired to do.


Counsel is good if he is willing to go. I think that is a wise move and I would give the counselor a heads up that that is why you are there so they can be prepared to support him through this revelation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have to leave for a while, OP, but I want you to know that I think you're doing a good job being as honest as possible with yourself and with us. You are learning lessons and growing from this.

Expect your husband to be angry and hurt when he finds out. That would be normal. 

After some time, however, you need to hear something from him like, "Wow, I was not there for you. You told me many times that you didn't feel supported, and all I did was defend myself. I could've listened, I could've tried to see things through your eyes, too. I didn't."

"We both made our mistakes here, but I think if we work on this together, we can build something solid."

That is the sort of thing that I would have to hear, anyway, to be willing to stay in the marriage.

Good luck as you think this through, OP.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I would not want to find out in front of a counselor. It would feel like an ambush to me.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

flash4 said:


> 3) I feel totally gutted that i ruined my friendship with this other guy and blame myself.


Really? This is your concern? Your concern first and foremost should be your husband.

If you don't love him, let him go. If you aren't going to let him go, then you need to tell him what you have been doing.




> Now i feel like he just sees me as some girl who was willing to mess around with another guy while married, and i really don't want him to see me this way. We have never done anything sexually with each other, and i really care about my friendships, especially as i don't have many close friends. Some people think that his goal was to sleep with me and then i came on too strong. Do you think i should blame myself for him ignoring me and stopping talking to me? Do you think i did all i could to save the friendship


There is no "friendship" here. This is a guy you want to bone behind your husband's back. You can't be friends with him, now or ever.

Here is what I'd suggest. Get a job. After a while of having a job, leave your husband. Set him free.

Then you can pursue whatever feelings you like without disrespecting your H.

Start taking steps to free your husband. You have no feelings for him, probably never will again, and constantly fantasize about having sex with another man.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I would not want to find out in front of a counselor. It would feel like an ambush to me.


And it would feel like that if he got the same blameshifting crap we are hearing in this thread.


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