# Almost divorced, but reconciliation on the cards



## Andy26599

Ok, so 15 months ago my wife and I separated, due to a mixture of things essentially, arguments about money (or lack of), being mum and dad and not husband and wife, not having time or money for us to go out as a couple, etc…

We separated just after New year 2015, 6 weeks later, she was seeing someone else, and lied about it to me, as at that time I was seeking a reconciliation. I was devastated, and we agreed to divorce, although I left it up to her to file against me. Anyway, the divorce process has been going along, amicably, as we have 3 young kids, so we’ve kept it civil and friendly. We’ve had the final court letter to say she can now apply for the Decree Absolute, which she hasn’t yet done.

Last week, I received a message from her saying that she thinks she’s made a mistake, and that we should talk about slowly reconnecting, and that she still loves me. The bloke she was seeing is no longer in the picture, after he realised that he didn’t want to be a step dad to my kids (luckily he realised this before he was introduced to them).

During this 15 month separation, I’ve abstained from dating and meeting new people, not out of hope of reconciliation, but out of respect for myself, my marriage vows, and the fact that I swore to myself that while I was still married, I wouldn’t until the divorce was final.

Now that she has realised, or thinks she has realised, that the marriage may be worth fighting for, I’m not sure if I can forgive or forget the fact that she’s been with other people during our separation. 

We’ve agreed to talk about things, and to take things slowly, I’m not going to move back in, I’m not going to declare my undying love straight away, it’s going to take a lot of hard work and honesty from both of us, and even then, it’s not a promise to rekindle our marriage, it’s just an option to try and see if doing so is the right thing to do. We won’t tell the kids, we’ll just go on dates and see where we go.

I suppose what I’m asking, if I’m actually asking anything at all, is should I just agree that this is a new start, and to put the fling she had with someone else behind us? 

I expect we’ll be better off going to marriage counselling to get to the bottom of all this, and feelings, etc…

Things will have to change anyway, as going back to how it was isn’t an option. I suppose this is a chance to make a fresh start, with (hopefully) less money worries now that we’re financially completely separated (with the exception of the marital home which I still retain a share in, although don’t contribute to the mortgage currently whilst paying child maintenance.

Does anyone have any success stories of reconnecting after such a long separation, and almost divorce?


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## 225985

Right now, you are her Plan B since Plan A with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.


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## BetrayedDad

blueinbr said:


> right now, you are her plan b since plan a with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.


Bingo

Plan A pumped and dumped her. You got the sloppy seconds @Andy26599.

Finish the divorce make her EARN another chance with you.


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## Andy26599

blueinbr said:


> Right now, you are her Plan B since Plan A with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.


Her "dalliance" with the other guy ended almost a year ago (in June), and as far as I am aware, from speaking to mutual friends, there has been nobody else since. So it's not that he's binned her off and she's immediately come back to me, there has been a long clean break (or as clean as there can be when I see her pretty much 3 times a week when we do drop offs with the kids.) where we have not been a married couple.


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## BetrayedDad

Honestly.... If a person can't even wait for the divorce to be final before they start fvcking other people then really tells you how they REALLY feel about you in the first place.

Think about it, you waited because you respected the marriage and still had feeling for her. She DIDN'T because.... that's right, she doesn't truly care about the marriage or you.

Many people will come crawling back not because they love you but because they want the CONVENIENCE of having a husband or extra financial support. You're a tool to them nothing more.

I'd still walk. Date some other women. See what's out there. She did and only came back cause the pickings were slim. You're still plan B. Make HER plan B too. What's good for the goose....


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## 225985

Andy,

Another person's success or failure to do this has nothing to do with your situation. If you want to attempt to reconcile with her - like REALLY want to - and she feels the same way, then do it. 

Don't cancel the divorce process but make an agreement between you and wife that you will give it a 6 month try.

Set VERY clear written rules. For example, if she dates or sleeps with another guy during this time, the deal ends and you go straight to divorce. Make a LONG list of conditions and get her to agree and both of you sign at the bottom (not legally binding, but you get the idea.)

It's your life. If you can stomach another reconciliation attempt, then go for it. Just make sure it has a finite time limit, so that you are not strung along for years in limbo. 

This is a marriage advice site, not a divorce advice site.

Good luck to you.

BTW: She needs to say she MADE a mistake, not THINKS she made a mistake. There is a big difference. And don't soften the issue by calling it a "dalliance". She and you both know what she was doing, while you were trying to reconcile. You have to accept that CLEARLY for this to work.


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## Satya

Finish the divorce. If she really wanted to give the marriage a try, she would have lived alone to process everything and introspect. 

Live apart, just focus on co-parenting. Don't do anything else with or for her. Watch her for a year while you are busy healing yourself. See if she can live without a man for a full year and if she can, THEN see if you have any care to date her.

She is back peddling because she messed up. You don't pay for someone else's lesson learnt.


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## zookeeper

blueinbr said:


> Right now, you are her Plan B since Plan A with the other bloke did not work out. Divorce her and then if you both agree, start dating. You need a clean break to get over what she did during separation.


Truth.


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## GuyInColorado

There are millions of single women out there. Take a gamble on them instead, your odds are much better than R with your STBX. Time to move on brother.

But I'm the guy who is in a serious relationship after being separated for 4 months and divorce is a few months away. Tells you how far gone I was from my STBX. Life is short, be happy.


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## lifeistooshort

Did you have an agreement in place as to seeing other people when you separated?

I see this question asked all the time and I'm not sure why everyone's jumped on the divorce wagon here without asking it. 

It's a little sleazy to see others while separated and I wouldn't date someone like that but people do it all the time. 

If you didn't discuss it or have an agreement I'm not sure you can really be upset about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper

lifeistooshort said:


> Did you have an agreement in place as to seeing other people when you separated?
> 
> I see this question asked all the time and I'm not sure why everyone's jumped on the divorce wagon here without asking it.
> 
> It's a little sleazy to see others while separated and I wouldn't date someone like that but people do it all the time.
> 
> *If you didn't discuss it or have an agreement I'm not sure you can really be upset about it.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll disagree. Anyone can be upset about anything they like.

Agreement or not, if her actions are repellent to the OP he would be a fool to dismiss them on the technicality of lack of proper contract negotiation. If seeing other people was within bounds, why did she feel the need to lie about it? 

Different people have different values. Above all, we must be true to ourselves.


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## MarriedDude

Andy26599 said:


> Ok, so 15 months ago my wife and I separated, due to a mixture of things essentially, arguments about money (or lack of), being mum and dad and not husband and wife, not having time or money for us to go out as a couple, etc…
> 
> We separated just after New year 2015, 6 weeks later, she was seeing someone else, and lied about it to me, as at that time I was seeking a reconciliation. I was devastated, and we agreed to divorce, although I left it up to her to file against me. Anyway, the divorce process has been going along, amicably, as we have 3 young kids, so we’ve kept it civil and friendly. We’ve had the final court letter to say she can now apply for the Decree Absolute, which she hasn’t yet done.
> 
> Last week, I received a message from her saying that she thinks she’s made a mistake, and that we should talk about slowly reconnecting, and that she still loves me. The bloke she was seeing is no longer in the picture, after he realised that he didn’t want to be a step dad to my kids (luckily he realised this before he was introduced to them).
> 
> During this 15 month separation, I’ve abstained from dating and meeting new people, not out of hope of reconciliation, but out of respect for myself, my marriage vows, and the fact that I swore to myself that while I was still married, I wouldn’t until the divorce was final.
> 
> Now that she has realised, or thinks she has realised, that the marriage may be worth fighting for, *I’m not sure* if I can forgive or forget the fact that she’s been with other people during our separation.
> 
> We’ve agreed to talk about things, and to take things slowly, *I’m not* going to move back in, *I’m not* going to declare my undying love straight away, it’s going to take a lot of hard work and honesty from both of us, and even then, *it’s not a promise* to rekindle our marriage, it’s just an option to try and see if doing so is the right thing to do. We won’t tell the kids, we’ll just go on dates and see where we go.
> 
> *I suppose* what I’m asking, if I’m actually asking anything at all, is should I just agree that this is a new start, and to put the fling she had with someone else behind us?
> 
> *I expect* we’ll be better off going to marriage counselling to get to the bottom of all this, and feelings, etc…
> 
> Things will have to change anyway, as going back to how it was isn’t an option. *I suppose* this is a chance to make a fresh start, with (hopefully) less money worries now that we’re financially completely separated (with the exception of the marital home which I still retain a share in, although don’t contribute to the mortgage currently whilst paying child maintenance.
> 
> Does anyone have any success stories of reconnecting after such a long separation, and almost divorce?


OP, your post is full of negatives. It appears that you are seeing the situation for what it is. 

What I noticed is missing........You didn't state anywhere up There^^^^ that you love her. If you don't have that as a starting point -the any R is just a waste of time. 

I think you have already decided what you need to do...but don't want to take the step. Passive..like "I left it up to her to file against me"...now you are leaving it up to her to start the R. It just won't work that way. You don't sound like a man in love, like a man that wants his wife back. 

If any of this sounds true...then don't R. If I have this all wrong and you love this woman and can get yourself past everything that has happened...really get past it....then grab a hold of your wife and never let her go.


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## joannacroc

lifeistooshort said:


> Did you have an agreement in place as to seeing other people when you separated?
> 
> I see this question asked all the time and I'm not sure why everyone's jumped on the divorce wagon here without asking it.
> 
> It's a little sleazy to see others while separated and I wouldn't date someone like that but people do it all the time.
> 
> If you didn't discuss it or have an agreement I'm not sure you can really be upset about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. I started dating while still separated. What changed my mind about feeling guilty was reading an article in the local paper where my now XH was trying out some dating site and reporting on how it went. 4 months after separation. In my case, it wasn't so much the length of time. It was the publicizing it after protesting that he hadn't cheated and that he still loved me and wanted to get back together. In your case, that is extremely hurtful. 

OP, I'm not super clear on what you guys *jointly* agreed, perhaps I missed it in your post. Did you both agree that you wanted to separate and date each other? Exclusively? Or that you were ultimately separating with eventual divorce in mind?

In the end I concluded that while it was a tactless thing to do, we were separated, I had asked for a divorce, and he was perfectly within his rights to date. So I finally decided to date not long after that. 

What concerns me about the reconciliation is that you just sound so ambivalent or maybe just conflicted, perhaps because her dating so soon after the separation hurt you deeply? 

Best case scenario, since your troubles were lack of romance and financial issues, if you get back together after successfully dating for a while, wouldn't you be sharing finances again? So it sounds like while divorce ultimately would only be a short-term fix for the financial arguments, because if you'd be in the same boat if you reconciled/ remarried. Would it be fair to say the lack of romance and feeling like parents instead of romantic partners will still be an issue if you're in the same environment again?

I wish you best of luck with your decisions, you don't have an easy choice ahead of you. From the few successful reconciliations on TAM, it seems like you really have to BOTH acknowledge what went wrong in the marriage, and both REALLY want it. It sounds like she hurt you a lot dating so soon after separation. Have you addressed that with her? If y decide to pursue dating her and maybe reconciling, you should discuss that.


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## lifeistooshort

zookeeper said:


> I'll disagree. Anyone can be upset about anything they like.
> 
> Agreement or not, if her actions are repellent to the OP he would be a fool to dismiss them on the technicality of lack of proper contract negotiation. If seeing other people was within bounds, why did she feel the need to lie about it?
> 
> Different people have different values. Above all, we must be true to ourselves.



Of course he's well within his rights to dump her if that's what he wants. 

As for her lie, I agree she should've been truthful. However, maybe she thought he wouldn't take it well or maybe she felt like he meddles in her business. 

In fact, how did he even know unless he was in her business? Maybe I missed that part.

I think that once you separate you don't get a say in the other's business, but like you said he is free to move on without her. 

Let this be a lesson in why this stuff needs to be made clear when you separate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

Make no mistake. She was seeing the other bloke long before you separated or got the ILYBINILWY" speech. 

So...did she cheat? YES. Are you Plan B because Plan A (the other guy) didn't work out? YES. Can you live with sloppy leftovers? Most men couldn't.

Have some self respect. Divorce this woman. Then start over at your own peril (she'll likely do it again) and try dating her. If it doesn't work out, you're free to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honda750

I beg to differ with all the so called experts here ......... Man up !!! You have CHILDREN involved here ......... Put your kids first , the advice of these other nitwits is self serving and ill advised .......... Your kids sanity and self worth are more important than how you feel about this , at this juncture . Get the required counseling and whatever it takes to keep this family unit intact , you and your wife owe this to your children .........


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## Mclane

Seems like there's 3 schools of thought on this thread.

1- Divorce her then start dating again. To me that's totally pointless. If you're considering reconciliation then why divorce? As if there's a better chance of things working out if you legally wipe the slate clean and start over? Makes no sense.

2- Dump her because she jumped right into bed with another guy as soon as you split. If it was me, I'd do that and not look back. I'd never stay with a woman I could not trust who has inflicted that level of betrayal upon me.

3- Do everything you can to save the marriage- If you're looking at a hard life due to a big financial hit from divorce and lost access to your kids and all of that then it might be worth trying to make a save but you gotta lay down the law or she'll be right back at it again with another guy before you know it. No matter how bad it might be if you stay with her it might be better than living on a relatives couch or a small apartment, seeing your kids every other weekend and having no money to spend on them or yourself. 

None of your options are great. No matter what you do it's going to hurt, big time. But serious damage has been done here, you can't expect to walk away unscathed but of course you already know that. Choose your punishment. It's going to be painful no matter what you do.


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## arbitrator

*In all likelihood, your W was busy lowering her panties and mixing DNA with "the bloke" long before you had the first damned clue about it. 

You are foremostly her Plan B, even despite the fact that she's warming back up to you during the December phase of your D. 

Make no mistake about it: You were her Plan B then ~ you are her Plan B now, until such time that she can find herself another hard male appendage to play with!

Proceed with the D, for both your sake and the kids! Get custody of them and look out for them! As far as your deceptive, skanky W is concerned, let her go! She ain't worth it! BTW, did you ever get yourself checked out by a doctor for the presence of STD's?

In time, will find a loving, faithful woman who you can trust implicitly!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk

Mclane said:


> Seems like there's 3 schools of thought on this thread.
> 
> 1- Divorce her then start dating again. To me that's totally pointless. If you're considering reconciliation then why divorce? As if there's a better chance of things working out if you legally wipe the slate clean and start over? Makes no sense


Divorce is symbolically huge. It means "the previous relationship is dead, we can start at square one from a safe legal standpoint."




> 2- Dump her because she jumped right into bed with another guy as soon as you split. If it was me, I'd do that and not look back. I'd never stay with a woman I could not trust who has inflicted that level of betrayal upon me.


Same, and I suspect the OM may have been part of the demise of the marriage to begin with. At least I'd be asking myself that question.



> 3- Do everything you can to save the marriage- If you're looking at a hard life due to a big financial hit from divorce and lost access to your kids and all of that then it might be worth trying to make a save but you gotta lay down the law or she'll be right back at it again with another guy before you know it. No matter how bad it might be if you stay with her it might be better than living on a relatives couch or a small apartment, seeing your kids every other weekend and having no money to spend on them or yourself.


You can always make more money, and you can almost always get half custody and spend a hell of a lot of time with your kids. Especially if you do it amicably rather than trying to R and it going even more badly.




> None of your options are great. No matter what you do it's going to hurt, big time. But serious damage has been done here, you can't expect to walk away unscathed but of course you already know that. Choose your punishment. It's going to be painful no matter what you do.


I'd just add one thing, and that I think the one pain greater than divorce or her having OM so soon would be a false reconciliation.

Because I think that's what he's heading for.


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## Mclane

marduk said:


> You can always make more money, and you can almost always get half custody and spend a hell of a lot of time with your kids. Especially if you do it amicably rather than trying to R and it going even more badly.


Despite the gradual changes in divorce legislation, many if not most states still award primary custody to the mother and the father is given occasional visitation. He becomes a secondary parent and is barely present in the lives of his children, even if he utilizes all available funds and legal strategies to prevent this from happening.


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## Yeswecan

happy as a clam said:


> Make no mistake. She was seeing the other bloke long before you separated or got the ILYBINILWY" speech.
> 
> So...did she cheat? YES. Are you Plan B because Plan A (the other guy) didn't work out? YES. Can you live with sloppy leftovers? Most men couldn't.
> 
> Have some self respect. Divorce this woman. Then start over at your own peril (she'll likely do it again) and try dating her. If it doesn't work out, you're free to move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bless you. You have nailed this one right on the head.


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## Yeswecan

Honda750 said:


> I beg to differ with all the so called experts here ......... Man up !!! You have CHILDREN involved here ......... Put your kids first , the advice of these other nitwits is self serving and ill advised .......... Your kids sanity and self worth are more important than how you feel about this , at this juncture . Get the required counseling and whatever it takes to keep this family unit intact , you and your wife owe this to your children .........


Just what nitwits are you referring?


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## ABHale

Really Honda750. So, he should lock his man hood up and come crawling back. What a great example that would be for the kids. They have been apart for over a year. She did not leave the affair partner, AP left her. 

I would not get back with her or talk. You are plan B,C,D ect. During the time that the OM had left her she has been looking. She just can't find anyone else, so she is coming back to you.

She see's your not dating as a sign you are still devoted to her not that you have morals. Finish the divorce first then decide what you want to do.


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## manfromlamancha

Andy don't do it. I have been following your threads all along and basically I advised you in your post last year when you discovered her infidelity (if you remember the beer bottles, and then while paying Amazon for her on her computer, the message from him and her reply that popped up).

She lied about it and deceived you. She hooked up with him on New Year's Eve while you were at home with the kids - bad enough.

Then you had barely left the home (because she insisted and you were thinking of her and the kids when you left) and she had him in your bed in your home - the height of disrespect.

And now you are considering going back to her ?!?!? You are not her first priority. She wants back with you because she is comfortable with you - not because she is in love or wants you for any other reason. 

You have already seen that you can be without her and can co-parent well enough. So don't go back to the misery. Let the divorce happen and as others are saying, let her compete with some of the other hot women (waiting to date you) before she earns her right for another chance. That and a ton of truth, remorse and repair work that she needs to do (although I don't think she is anywhere near up to the task ahead).

Tread very carefully here as you have come a long way since then.


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## Decorum

Your cheating wifes thoughts...

"Affair sex is the best but who will take care of me and help me with the kids? The Andy man can, the Andy man can cause he mixes with my cheating and makes the world taste goood!"

Yep she was cheating with this guy, found reasons to blame you out of guilt, and replaced you like a cold hearted b..b..ahhh, person.

Now she thinks you are so weak that she can make you come with one finger.

She probably realized that the world is full of men who will bang her, but not many that want to take her on as a wife.

She can put up with you till the kids are grown (maybe step out for some exciting sex once in a while), and see if the grass is any greener then or along the way.

Just put it all behing you and take her back, yeah that's a good idea...because she really loves and respects you...not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz

For goshsakes, get the divorce. She already tried out some strange for a significant period of time and does not care for you as you would expect a wife would.

The reasons for the divorce are as valid as when the papers were files.

Be smart, hire a lawyer. Protect your parental rights and minimize your spousal support issues.

Seriously, you are at the advantage for finding better than her.

There is better out there. Do not settle for being Plan B.
.


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## eric1

happy as a clam said:


> Make no mistake. She was seeing the other bloke long before you separated or got the ILYBINILWY" speech.
> 
> 
> 
> So...did she cheat? YES. Are you Plan B because Plan A (the other guy) didn't work out? YES. Can you live with sloppy leftovers? Most men couldn't.
> 
> 
> 
> Have some self respect. Divorce this woman. Then start over at your own peril (she'll likely do it again) and try dating her. If it doesn't work out, you're free to move on.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




If he was to even consider R he'd need to poly her about when the affair started. I mean it WAS an affair, but nailing down the exact specifics is super important


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## Decorum

She wants to take it slow is code for rugsweeping. It sounds mature but it's manipulative at its core.

She dosnt want to deal with your pain, inevitable new insecurities and all the consequences of her affair.

She wants you to close the gap, chase her, heal on your own (she dosnt want to deal with it everyday, she wants you to do it alone), and let her keep the power in the relationship, without going through the painful remorse for what she has done.

She will agree she dosn't want to return to status quo, she wants you to work for her and make it better.

She is a very entitled person.

False reconciliation is a soul sucking hellish limbo no person can endure and heal in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

Plan B to the rescue!!!!! Get the divorce. You can always date her later.


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## Marc878

Honda750 said:


> I beg to differ with all the so called experts here ......... Man up !!! You have CHILDREN involved here ......... Put your kids first , the advice of these other nitwits is self serving and ill advised .......... Your kids sanity and self worth are more important than how you feel about this , at this juncture . Get the required counseling and whatever it takes to keep this family unit intact , you and your wife owe this to your children .........


Save the marriage at any cost??? Be a plan B doormat? 

Man up and make your life what you want it to be. Getting played now will be detrimental to you long term.


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## Marc878

Andy26599 said:


> Her "dalliance" with the other guy ended almost a year ago (in June), and as far as I am aware, from speaking to mutual friends, there has been nobody else since. So it's not that he's binned her off and she's immediately come back to me, there has been a long clean break (or as clean as there can be when I see her pretty much 3 times a week when we do drop offs with the kids.) where we have not been a married couple.


The reality is you have no idea what's going on. You can't base anything on dropping off the kids 3 times a week.

If you're going on what she's telling you take that with a grain of salt.


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## Decorum

You cant reconcile without the truth.
You cant reconcile with someone who isn't truthful.
You cant reconcile with someone who betrayed you, lied to you, and tossed you away if their primary motivation for reconciliation is to use you to please themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iskranetwork

Well for starter Andy I wouldn't say your her Plan B as what some of us here are saying. 

Lets just take the marriage out in the picture first and ask yourself does memories happen overnight? While your still unsure about it I suggest you watch this 'The Story of Us' just watch it after all what is an hour or two compare to the rest of your life w/ her, right? I guarantee you this will help you a lot in making up your mind.



> I expect we’ll be better off going to marriage counselling to get to the bottom of all this, and feelings, etc…


Counseling is damn expensive if I were you I'd look for other marriage help / counseling alternatives. Since you know most of the facts and it seems your in control instead of your emotions it would be a good idea to get some insights from coaches/ experts try Michael Cross 'Your Marriage Savior' how to save a marriage or Simple Things Matter. Good luck!


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