# Can I get some thoughts from the men?



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I hope you guys don't mind me popping in here for some advice, but I need some male perspective. Bear with the length - there's no short story - lol.

I have been texting and occasionally seeing a man that I met online a year and a half ago. I'm embarrassed to admit that the first time we met in person was about 5 months after we had started chatting online... and it was late at night and I let him come over. (I knew his last name, had checked his record in my state, etc.) We didn't have sex (we still haven't), but had a great time talking and hanging out. 

Since then, we text fairly regularly, but we still only get together when he comes over. Late. (It sounds terrible when I put it out there like this, but bear with me.) Our text messages are always great - a nice combination of conversation, fun and flirty. Always, always can make me laugh, and I'm pretty sure I make him laugh, too. 

Last summer, I told him over text all of the things I like about him-he's smart, kind, funny, sexy... and we're kinda great together. He was flattered, and definitely agreed with the latter, but was a little overwhelmed with some life and work stuff, and said he wished the timing was better. So I told him to let me know when he decides he's in a better place. Since then, we won't talk for while, then we start our cycle again. He'll text, we'll go back and forth with conversation for a few weeks, and he'll come over. We will have a great time, and we will keep texting, but I won't see him again for a while. I have not brought up the dating thing again.

My theory since the start has been that he got burned badly by someone. I think he does really like me, but I think he's afraid of how well we do get along. I've had conversations with friends about this who agree with me. I am sure he's not married, and fairly certain he doesn't have a girlfriend. 

The last time he came over was a couple months ago. He was a little different in the way he talked to me. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but he was just... sweet. I wondered after that visit if maybe this is just how I need to "date" him until he opens up. We've texted every couple of weeks since then - always fun and flirty.

Last night he came over again. We talked for a couple of hours, kissed some, and then he went home. But our talk was different. More engaging than ever before - more substance about life and work and friends. At one point, he talked about a good friend coming to town next month, and said that I should meet him when he's here. They will be going to a place near me, and he said he should call me when they plan to go, so I can meet them there. Not to get all ermygerd girly here, but that was the closest thing to a date that he has ever proposed. A reference to making plans. And he seemed very sincere about it. 

So, I have semi-joked that this guy is my dating kryptonite. Am I letting the kryptonite wear me down again? Or is it possible that I am right - this is just how he needs to get to know me before his walls come down a little? Until last night, I was wondering if I could find the strength to just tell him to stop contacting me - to cut the string he has me on and just block his number. But. He's. So. Great. Argh.

I need perspective on this. My head continues to tell me that he's using me. My heart tells me to be patient and maybe, just maybe, he's softening. I wouldn't let any other man do this to me, but he's had a weird hold on me since the first night I met him. Hard to let go. 

What do you guys think? Is he totally using me, or is it possible that I need to build trust with him behind the scenes until he's convinced that I'm not crazy or out to hurt him? 

He confuses me more than any man I've ever known. And I know how ridiculous this sounds. I'm a smart girl - I am independent, funny, balanced, have a great career. I probably wouldn't let any of my friends do this with a guy. Crazy, right?

What do you guys think?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TooNice said:


> Since then, we text fairly regularly, but we still only get together when he comes over. Late.
> 
> I am sure he's not married, and fairly certain he doesn't have a girlfriend.
> 
> What do you guys think?


He's married!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> He's married!


First thing that popped into my head, too.

Don't be some a$$hole's Affair Partner any longer (because that's what you are). Move on.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you have a first and last name and address any of the people search engines can tell you who else is in that address...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I really am sure he's not married. He's pretty open about enough in his life. I know where he works, and the neighborhood he lives in. I may be naive, but I would tend to think he'd be a bit more guarded about that information if he had something to hide. I know enough to track him down - if I wanted to. FWIW, I did run into him somewhere last summer. I was with a friend, and so was he. It was clear his friend knew who I was when we were introduced, so I know he's talked about me.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Married or not this guy is putting out almost zero effort for you. If your good with seeing him every few months then ok. I couldn't deal with that. Hell. He's never even taken you on a date.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He's not interested honey. If he were he'd pursue you, plan dates and want to see you more than every few weeks. It doesn't really matter why he's not stepping up, all that matters is he's not. If you continue this, knowing all of the above, that's on you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He may not be married, and I wouldn't say he's using you, because you've permitted and encouraged every interaction and been OK with it up to this point. You need to be more honest of what you do and do not invite and allow. 

I would say that perhaps he doesn't know what he wants, and right now you provide the perfect combination of "no-pressure" and "there when he wants/needs you for companionship" while he figures things out. If you're OK with that, then continue, but if you want it to go somewhere, then don't wait for him to come around. If you want something more, YOU go for it and see what happens. If he runs he wasn't for you anyway.

Inviting a man to your place already spells out 70% of what you want, so if you haven't been intimate yet, he's putting the brakes on for some reason. 

Why can't you meet during the day, like at a coffee shop or for lunch? Infrequent communication does not help to build relationships. He may not be pursuing more because every time you're apart for any length of time, it's like hitting the reset button a bit. 

In my general opinion, without knowing either of you better, I think you need to discuss more frequent meetings at the very least. If he protests, then there's a strong possibility he's either married or dating others.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks so much-this does help me step back a little. As I said, I'm a smart girl and I know my role in allowing it to get here. I've tried to put the brakes on, reset, suggested started over with a proper date. Thrown it all on the line, because what do I have to lose-a guy who has committed nothing?

I'm curious to see whether he follows through when his friend visits. It would be a shift, if he does. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm willing to see what happens with that.

Thanks again. 


~Just breathe.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The late night covert hang outs. Point to one thing (hidden affair). The lack of sex after such a long time points to an other thing (Gay, Asexual). But together they make no sense at all. Then you throw in the sporadic nature of your relationship, and that points to both and a fear of commitment. If I were you, I would get a hold of this Guy friend of his. Sit down for a long lunch and figure out what's going on with your guy. 

Making your first Real Date a meet this other guy event is just WEIRD.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Fair point on the meeting his friend, but in the context of the conversation, it makes sense. I understand why he'd like for us to meet. 

And he's not gay-I have been the one to put the brakes on that a couple of times. It's not why I have let him come over, so he's been following my lead there. 


~Just breathe.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Seems a little off. I think he is married or has a girlfriend and may be having you on the side just to get an occasional ego boost. The only reason I can think of that a man is very very friendly with a woman but does not want to go in for more is that he is committed elsewhere or is gay.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TooNice said:


> I really am sure he's not married. He's pretty open about enough in his life. I know where he works, and the neighborhood he lives in. I may be naive, but I would tend to think he'd be a bit more guarded about that information if he had something to hide. I know enough to track him down - if I wanted to. FWIW, I did run into him somewhere last summer. I was with a friend, and so was he. It was clear his friend knew who I was when we were introduced, so I know he's talked about me.


Nope. He's married. When you can, snap a picture of his drivers license. That his friend knew about you proves nothing. Guys talk too. 



TooNice said:


> I was wondering if I could find the strength to just tell him to stop contacting me - to cut the string he has me on and just block his number.
> 
> My head continues to tell me that he's using me.
> 
> He confuses me more than any man I've ever known.


Yes, you are a smart, amazing woman. But you fell for this guy so your judgement is clouded. I have been there. You have been on TAM for a while, right? We always tell people to trust their gut. When something seems wrong it probably is.

BTW, he's married or at least in a LTR - live in GF, maybe with (his) kids.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TooNice said:


> ~Just breathe.


You're going to be hurt. Please *please* put on the brakes. At least until you can accept what everyone here is telling you about this guy.

Breath SLOWLY. Take this relationship SLOWLY.

You have fallen for a fantasy of a man. A great guy, yes, but only in your mind. The reality is he is not good for you. You KNOW this. That is why you are here. 

We don't want to see you get hurt.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yah, sounds strange to me too.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well if you are the one holding him back, he may in deed be following your lead. He may think there is not much available and be holding back. Many people now do not date. I would be with you in seeing this as unacceptable. You've hinted enough. No more Dates (hang outs) until you go to his place. Or, until you have a real date. I still think he is acting covert.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

He doesn't want to take you out, doesn't make you feel secure in what's going on between the two of you, makes you feel confused, gives you only small bits of his time on a sporadic basis. What exactly is to like about him?


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

I could be wrong but I think he maybe emotionally insecure and concerned about a relationship. You mentioned he had a prior relationship that may have made his scared. I had that problem when I was in my early 20s. My concern was if we got to far and had sex how might she feel about my PE problem this kept me from dating much for 2+ years. Do you think he is scared of being hurt?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

mravg2u said:


> I could be wrong but I think he maybe emotionally insecure and concerned about a relationship. You mentioned he had a prior relationship that may have made his scared. I had that problem when I was in my early 20s. My concern was if we got to far and had sex how might she feel about my PE problem this kept me from dating much for 2+ years. Do you think he is scared of being hurt?




I think he's scared of opening up, yes. I also think he likes parts about being single (and really, my gut tells me he is). Maybe, maybe there could be a gf, but he lives alone. He's not married or in a LTR. 

It's been a couple weeks now since I've seen him or talked to him, so I'm easing back into my reasonable self. I know how all of this sounds. But for all that's wrong with the picture, when we do connect, it's amazing. If you take out the covert stuff, I haven't met anyone since my return to dating that I am more compatible with. Great conversation, similar taste in music, we always laugh, he's got many great personality qualities, and we have amazing physical chemistry. 

Kryptonite. Makes it hard to be the smart, reasonable girl I know I am.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What is his history?

What life issues are getting in his way?

If you know where he lives, stop by when you know he is there and bring him some cookies.

Have you seen his place yet?

Something is definitely off. He is probably playing the field right now and you are not the only interest he has and certainty not a priority.

In my opinion, a bit of a game is being played and you don't know the rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

He could be like a friend of mine who is shy. But much of what you mentioned does not mirror the shyness. It sounds like you have feelings for this guy but are concerned about him and his being not more open. Have you thought about asking him where he wants your friendship/relationship to go?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> In my opinion, a bit of a game is being played and you don't know the rules.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree-this is exactly how I feel!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> He's married!


If he's not married, he's in another serious relationship. He wishes the timing her better? He comes to see you and only when it's convenient for him?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

mravg2u said:


> Have you thought about asking him where he wants your friendship/relationship to go?



Yes, when I see him again next, I do plan to put it out there and tell him that I need some clarification and boundaries. I won't do it over text, so I will hold out until I get face to face time again. I do really like him and think we have great couple potential, but I need him to be straight with me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How do people have relationships like this? Go for months without seeing each other? Just comes over for a few hours late at night? No sex? This is a joke, right? 

Don't contact him again and find someone you can have a real relationship with. This isn't normal!


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

I would do it face to face, text is not right for this situation. Based on what he says and his none verbals will tell you a lot. At least you will know if will lead to something more. Most times it will not what he says, it maybe what he does not say. Good luck


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> How do people have relationships like this?



It's not a relationship at all. I know that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is it possible that he has a STD he doesn't want to tell you about just yet?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He's told you lots of things but you haven't checked them out? Check them out.

You are Plan B. You are the late night ego stroke, the back up plan when he's bored. Married or committed or not, he's not putting effort into having a relationship. End it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TooNice said:


> It's not a relationship at all. I know that.


Just go slower on this so you do not get hurt. You may or may not be getting the real story.

Surprisingly some guys might lie.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> He's told you lots of things but you haven't checked them out? Check them out.
> 
> 
> 
> You are Plan B. You are the late night ego stroke, the back up plan when he's bored. Married or committed or not, he's not putting effort into having a relationship. End it.




I have checked out what he's told me. That's why I'm confident he's not married. 

I've allowed him to keep reaching out to me at his leisure without putting effort in, I realize that. It's the whole Kryptonite thing that makes me let it happen, even when I know I deserve more. To be fair though, he's fairly good for my ego, too.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Yes, just ask him. It's not like you've only known him for 2 weeks. 

Nothing wrong with being friends but if you want this to go further you may have to be the one to break the ice. 

Sounds like you and him have some sort of chemistry. 

And for Gods sake, I'm married but if I were back in the dating scene I'd at least be trying to have sex with a woman I'm into and texting/seeing like you two are. 

And if I got the vibe she was not into that I would just stay friends but I'd be sure as hell to be testing the waters with other woman. 

I think some men stay in the "friend zone" way too long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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