# So confused



## Glaubefreude (Mar 22, 2016)

Hello everybody !!

Am a newbie here, and I hope I get this right. I was not really sure of if I am doing a right thing or not but I am so confused and helpless. There is no one I could talk to, no parents, and I dont think a 9 and 8 years old boys will understand. Just a few hours ago, me and my husband for 10 years had a fight. I must admit it was my fault, like always. And what we argue about is just the same thing. My husband is not really a drunkard, he drinks but to a limit, well sometimes he gets drunk and thats where our arguments would start. I hate a drunk a person, I actually get scared when I see one and avoid right away. So heres what happened, I caught him having a drink with his friends about 11:00 am today, so I called his attention and asked him if he could come home for a while, first he just looked at me, I called him again, and he followed, just as we are about to reach our house, he stopped and told me they r already leaving for work, I got so pissed and because of this I raised my voice and told him to come home for a while. When he got inside thats where he started yelling at me. He is a big guy and you can imagine his voice, . He asked whats the big deal with his drinking its not that he does it everyday, and I answered that I don't like it, it is always the root of our arguments, and worse the kids are home. In situations like this, he would start yelling at me, call me names and smash what he gets hold. And I am like an idiot grabbing the things he would smash and throw. As I said it was my fault because I raised my voice on him with his friends around, he felt humiliated, but is it reason enough for him to yell at me inside our home with the neighbors hearing everything? And the kids seeing what he's doing? He would always say he loves us, and he is doing everything for us, but I feel he is just using this to justify and do the things he wants. He once cheated on me, until now I honestly have not moved on. Everytime he leaves our house and gets home late not so good things come into my mind, and I always doubt his whereabouts. I lost half of my trust for him and I just dont know when I will be able to trust him fully again. We just keep repeating the same mistake and I am so confused what had gone wrong. I am becoming impatient, doubtful and resentful. I love my husband, and I know he loves me, but I don't know if our marriage will still work. With my attitude gone like this, it will always come back to square one and I am tired of it. Am i too selfish? All I want is for us to be happy but it seems so far. There was a time, I used to hurt myself when we had a fight, and I still have the urge to do so, but I am fighting it back so hard. I even think I need a shrink, well given I have the money for it, I certainly will. I don't know how to handle myself and our situation. Im so confused.


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