# Not sure what to do



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

This is my second time posting on this site. The last time was when I found out that my husband was trying to hook up with women while on a business trip.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have two young children (5 & 6) together. Lately I've been thinking more and more about leaving him. Here is my story:

My husband is extremely moody. As long as things go his way, everything is ok. If the kids are not little angels then he blows of the handle. He yells at them all the time. Then he will tell them that it's their fault that he gets so angry. He blames them for his outbursts. The other day he told my 6 year old that he had a problem. How can he say that to a child? He then stormed out of the house, slamming the door. I told him that he was the one with the problem. I know I probably shouldn't have done that, but I was just so upset. He also gets snappy with me all the time. If I ask him a question that he doesn't like or if for some reason I have asked him the same question once before, he gets angry with me. His facial expressions says it all. At times like that I see nothing but hate. Don't get me wrong, there are days that are just fine, but that's because I don't bother him with anything and the kids are having a good day. 

We don't hardly talk anymore. He stays in his office most of the time with the door closed. I know he looks at a lot of porn and probably even chats with women. The last time I caught him chatting with a woman that lived in our area, he said it's because he couldn't talk to me. I guess the same goes for when he was trying to hook up with women on his last business trip. I did confront him about it and he of course first denied it until I handed him the printed out emails. Surprisingly, he didn't get upset, but did try to justify why he did it. He also said that he didn't hook up with anyone. He said that it's funny that when you are trying to find someone then you can't, but when you aren't someone is right there. Now I didn't find that funny at all. There was also one email with him telling a previous co-worker that he wished that she was in his arms right now. When I asked him about that one, he said that this was just talk and that nothing ever happened between them. I'm not buying it though, but don't really have any good evidence. 

He did go to some counseling sessions and I did see where he was trying for a while, but as soon as he stopped going he went back to his old self. The way I see it, he wants to be a dad and husband when he has the “time” for it. He is always more interested in something else and spends a lot of time on the computer. He belongs to all these different boards. When I ask him about it, he just gets snappy and says that he is researching stuff. I know he has got an Internet addiction and I doubt that without help he will ever be able to break away from it. I mean he always has at least 50+ tabs open. How much searching on the Internet can a person do. I also tried checking the history on his computer, but he deletes it, which makes me suspicious.

He is not a person that goes out and usually is home on time from work. Sometimes he is a bit late, but I don't ask him anymore as to why, because then he would get upset. He never calls when he is running late either and I don't want to call him, because that would mean that I'm checking on him. I used to have serious jealousy issues, which I have overcome a long time ago. If I do question him at all then he would say something like “here we go again with your jealousy.” 

I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Just don't feel comfortable around him most of the time. When the kids get upset or start crying, I get really stressed out, because I know before long he will start yelling at them to be quiet. I mean he'll get in their face and start counting to 3, which of course doesn't work and then he'll continue to yell at them to hush until they finally somewhat get to that point. They would be sobbing still, but it would be somewhat quiet. I think by that time they are just afraid of what might come next. If they get hurt, he never really comforts them. Instead, he questions them asking what they were doing to get hurt. He basically tells them that it's their fault because they were running, etc. The sad thing is, my son thinks that dad knows best. When I tell him something, he'll argue with me saying that I don't know. I'm not sure if that is typical at this age, but I somehow think that maybe by him seeing the way his dad talks to me has something to do with it. 

Sometimes I feel that maybe I'm overreacting a bit and that I'm looking for things to be too perfect. I keep going back and forth whether I want to leave or not. I'm exhausted and feel so sad and empty inside. I'm still going to individual counseling and my counselor thinks that he will probably never change, but that she can not tell me what to do, only guide me in the right directions. She keeps telling me to think of my children and how they, especially my son, will grow up to be just like his dad. In a way, I can already see it now. 

We haven't really talked since he told our son he had a problem. He only comes downstairs to shower and eat and then goes back to his “room.” It's like he is not even here. Even the kids keep asking if he is home. I've thought about approaching him, but just can't get myself to talk to him. In the past when I've tried to do that, he would shut me down and say that he wasn't ready to talk. So I guess in a way I'm afraid that he would do that again. 

Thanks for reading my post. I know it's quite long. I really appreciate any advice anyone can give me.


----------



## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Did all of this just recently start? You said you've been married for 22 years. Do you think maybe it started when you started having kids? I've heard that kids make a relationship 1000X harder. I don't have kids myself, so I wouldn't know.

No one will be able to tell you what to do. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's so easy for outsiders to judge your situation based on a few paragraphs. You are the only one who will be able to decide. It certainly won't be easy.

Have you talked to him about spending less time online? Maybe instead of asking him to stop getting online, you could try to set up specific family time. Like maybe ask if he would mind getting together for one hour per night to watch a movie or play a game. Maybe set up certain things for the family to do, like go to the park or something. 

Why did he stop going to counseling?


----------



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

He has always spent a lot of time on the computer, even before the kids came along. I sometimes feel that he just isn't interested in spending time with the kids unless it's something that he initiates. It seems like he is avoiding us more now. I think a lot of it probably has to do with the fact that I don't agree with his parenting style of yelling and bullying the kids. He will tell them that they are a pain in the a** and are annoying. We had a long talk about that once and he said that he has every right to tell him how he feels and that's just the way he is. 

The last talk we had, he said that why couldn't we just each do our own thing. So I guess that's what I'm letting him do now. It's like he just wants to be a part-time member of this family. 

I have never asked him to stop getting on-line and don't expect him to spend tons of time with the kids, just good quality time. Yesterday, my daughter went upstairs to get him for story time before bed and he did come downstairs. However, we weren't quite ready, so he went back upstairs. When it came time to read the story the kids asked "where is daddy" and I said he went back upstairs. My son then told my daughter not to get him again, but I told her that she could if she wanted to. Well, they opted not to, which I find really sad. 

I agree that once the kids came into the picture, things changed for the worse. He became more withdrawn and just doesn't seem to like to be around them. He has always been a selfish person and doesn't like to give up much of his time. Other things are always more important. The thing is, I don't even expect him to help around the house, since I stay at home. However, I expect him to be part of this family or why else should we stay together. 

He stopped counseling because Tricare hasn't authorized any more sessions with his counselor, the same counselor I'm seeing. I asked him if he could see someone on base, but he doesn't want to since he has already established a relationship with this one.


----------



## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Did he even want to have kids? (I know this is in the past and not helpful at all, but might give a little insight)

My husband is exactly the same way: selfish. I'm questioning whether I want to have kids with him because of it.

Do you think you have it in you to leave him? Do you think giving him an ultimatum would work or back fire? If he could change his behavior, would you want the marriage to work?


----------



## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

You and I are in the same page.. the only different your husband is working and mine is not. He spends his entire time in front of computer. since the time he wakes up until he gets to sleep, he is always in front of computer. I feel the same way, the way you feel. he has talked to numbers of women online and I have never banned him from doing it. I did complain one time because he always compares me to these women. It surprises me really that he can see the good side of these women that he only knows from internet but it is so hard for him to see the good side of me. 

I am thinking about leaving him but don't know how to do it. His psychiatrist told me that my husband's behavior would affect my son when he grows up. and I can see it now... my son gets angry so easily and likes to hit people for small thing. I told my H about this, but as usual he blames me for being incapable of teaching or discipline my son. 

Keep updating so I might get inspiration from you.


----------



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

He didn't want to have kids at first, but had a change of heart as he got older. 

I'm not sure if I have it in me to leave him. This is something I keep contemplating about. My counselor said the same thing about giving him an ultimatum and this is something I'm taking into consideration. 

I would be so happy if he could change his behavior, but I'm starting to wonder if that is even possible. My mom has always said that she doesn't like the way he talks to me and I never thought it was that bad until I saw the way he talked to the kids.


----------



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

feylovelyheart - sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. My husband would say the same thing when it comes to the kids' behavior. According to him, I'm not stern enough.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You need to get back into MC to fix it.

My wife told me to join her in MC or we would probably end soon. I changed. My story is in my profile. 

You guys need help to get unstuck.


----------



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

anx - you are probably right about the MC. We have only done individual counseling in the past. Would you say that couples counseling is the better way to go? 

We haven't talked for the last 4 days. He comes downstairs to eat and then goes back upstairs and closes the door. The sad thing is, I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I was thinking about writing him an email, but having a really difficult time as to what I should write.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your husband sounds like he is emotionally abusive and a serial cheat. There is NO excuse for what he's doing. Him blaming you or the kidsi for his outbursts and for him looking for other women is BS and you know it.

Only you know what is best to do. I have been you before (though I later cheated myself) and I ended up leaving. He also told me that him looking for sex online was a "joke" and funny but I didn't laugh. He constantly said I made him angry and made him do things (like breaking doors, throwing all my stuff out, and would not talk to me for weeks sometimes).


----------



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

Jellybeans, you are probably right. The more I think about, the more I ask myself why do I continue to stay with this person. I guess I try to see the good in him and since there are days that are pretty good, I forget about the ones that are bad. 

I wish I had it in me to just up and leave, but instead I continue to try and make things work and keep hoping that maybe he could change. One would think that after the many talks we have had and the many times he has said he would try to change that I would finally just give up, but I continue to stay. Why I ask myself? 

I finally sent him an email telling him that we needed to talk the next time he was off from work. Well, today was his day off and he asked me tonight if we could talk tomorrow since he just got up and was still tired (he has been working the night shift and sleeping during the day). Needless to say, I was a bit upset, because it doesn't seem like talking about our problems is a priority to him. He is now upstairs in "his" room, probably on the Internet. 

Part of me just wants to tell him that I want to separate and part of me wants to give it one more try. The thing is, right now I don't trust him at all and I'm not sure if this is something I can ever do again. There have been too many lies that I have caught him in. 

So here I'm thinking and thinking about what is the best thing to do. I just really want to be happy and for my kids to have a great childhood.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you get to talk to him again, 10?


----------



## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Here is a piece of advise who was someone exactly like your husband. He will not change till they are consequences. Until you get up and leave and are serious about it you can forget him wanting to change. What is his motivation to change? When my wife left with 2 kids and did NC for a few months guess what happened? I was alone and looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw. So went to IC and did whatever it took.
Yup....that is the only reason he will change! Believe me when I say this...you change he will change..you remain the same..he will respond in the same manner!!!


----------



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

Jellybeans- yes we did talk last night. It went like it always did. He agreed that the way he talks to the kids and me is not right and says he hates himself for it. He said that he doesn't know why he is the way he is, but probably has something to do with the way he was raised. It's always the same talk. Then, things will go well for a while and it's back to square one when the kids irritate him too much. I know, not sounding very positive here. 

I did give him an ultimatum this time. Basically what I told him is that if he doesn't do IC and MC, then our marriage is pretty much over since I don't think that we can fix this ourselves. He agreed and said he would do it. He doesn't want to loose me. I also asked him whether he has looked at any personal adds lately and he said that he hasn't. Well, he did lie on that one since I saw under his recently closed windows that he was on a site that was for women looking for men in our area. That's the only thing I saw, since he deletes all other history. I didn't tell him that I saw this, but I did tell him that if I ever found out that he was looking to hook up with other women again, it would be over. He then tried to justify again that he wouldn't have to look if I gave him more sex. The funny thing is that he doesn't hardly initiate sex, but of course he had an excuse for that too. 

I told him that one of the biggest things for me right now is the trust issue. He has lied to me so many times and I just don't know how I could ever trust him again. I'm tired of snooping around, but how else would I know if he is being honest with me? How do you ever trust someone again after you have caught them lying so many times? 

So we shall see what happens next. I truly hope that with the help of more counseling, he can change this time. 

Samjin - I wish I could give him a wake-up call by leaving for a while, but it's not really a good option for me. When I leave, it is going to be for good.


----------



## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

I noticed you mentioned tricare, is/was your husband military?
I have the same problem with my husband and my daughter, he is the same way with his kids. We are complete opposites when it comes to parenting, he is loud, likes to yell, gets in your face and is just flat out mean sometimes. 
My husband is retired Air Force. I think the military has alot to do with how he is. He is like a drill seargent and sees everything as black and white. 
Our marriage fell apart when I found out he was texting a female coworker, it was obvious it wasn't "completely innocent" as he claims. Text messages at 2am while Im asleep, texting anytime I was gone or he wasn't at home. He became a total ********* after I busted him and confronted him, he started drinking alot, being mean to me, he changed our banking information online, changed passwords, got a prepaid phone, busted him on an adult "friend finder" and so on. We went to counselling, it got worse. He moved out 3 months ago, at first it was a trial seperation, whatever that is. He moved into an apartment and then he ended our marriage. I was devastated.
To make a long story short .... 
We are together,he has his apartment, I have my house. He comes over, he spends the night, he goes home. We are committed, this is not an open relationship. At first I didn't like this arrangement but I am starting to enjoy my alone time with my daughter and i don't have to walk on eggshells. When he's stressed or he's had "enough" he can go home. Had we not done this, we would be divorced. It's something to think about


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

10, he can do all the IC and MC that he wants (and it would benefit him and you of course) but ultimately he has to understand that he does what he does because he WANTS to. He has a choice in the matter every time his temper flares and he berates you and the kids and when he goes online to look for sex with different women. Until he starts owning he actions and not deflecting "because of his childhood" or "Idk why I do that," you are facing an uphill battle. 

Please please read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Get it at your library. What he does is very calculated. He has a choice in his behavior. He has already told you he knows it's wrong yet he continues. You even asked if he was still looking online for sex and he told you know to your face but you saw it online. Start printing those things out and document them. Get tested for STDs.

It takes TWO people to make a marriage work. He has to want to change. You can only do your part. I hope things get better for you. I've been there before and it didn't. 

My husband told me after I left that he knew he had "said and done things to you" that "nobody should ever under any circumstance ever say to their wife or treat anyone that way in the world." So he KNEW it was wrong. It made me happy to hear him acknowledge that but man, it also hurt for me to know he did it on purpose.



unhappy10 said:


> . That's the only thing I saw, since he deletes all other history. I didn't tell him that I saw this, but I did tell him that if I ever found out that he was looking to hook up with other women again, it would be over. *He then tried to justify again that he wouldn't have to look if I gave him more sex.* The funny thing is that he doesn't hardly initiate sex, but of course he had an excuse for that too. .


This is BS and you know it. He is again, deflecting, blaming you for what he does. No owning of his actions. 

Call him out on it when you see his online sex ads. 

You have issued your boundary: that you won't be in an open marriage and that if the behavior doesn't change, you are out. Now you have to stick to it. 

Please please get tested for STDs.


----------



## unhappy10 (Jul 18, 2010)

Jellybean, you are so right. My husband hardly ever takes the blame for anything. This is something that really bugs me. He also rarely says sorry and even when we had our talk a few days ago, he didn't say it. It would have been nice to hear that he felt bad for what he did, but instead it's my fault that he is looking for sex elsewhere and the kids' fault because he looses his temper. I really hope that MC will help him with this issue. 

I'm sure I won't be seeing him checking on-line personal adds in the near future. If he does decide to look at them, then I'm sure he is going to be more careful and delete all history. Actually, when I check the history there isn't any, only the recently closed tabs. This is were I saw that he had closed a tab for personal adds. The thing is, we each have our own computers, so I'm never on his unless I'm snooping. 

To be honest, I'm not getting my hopes up to high. We have been through this "I'm going to change" phase one too many times. However, I wanted to at least try the MC before I threw in the towel. I want to be able to say that I tried everything, for the kids' sake. If it wasn't for the kids, I would have been already gone. 

Thanks for your advice and I'll definitely check out the book. 

kgregory - yes, my husband is in the military. Interesting arrangement you have with your husband, but whatever works for you. Are you able to trust him again after what he did to you?


----------

