# Getting the nerve up to file...(long post, sorry)



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My husband and I have lived apart for seven months now, after twenty years of marriage, no kids. I left at his request, as I had wanted to do so for a while, but due to his issues (depression, other health issues) I had kept myself from doing so. We had never fought, no infidelity as far as I know, none of the usual issues. We simply barely communicated at all anymore. I have had physical health problems for the past decade which limited what I could do (no more of the travel we had enjoyed, etc) and he had become more and more depressed, largely due to the hatred of his job of 20+ years. He works "graveyard" shift, which never helped our relationship. Anyway...since I left, our only contact has been via email and has been cordial, mostly about bills, or the occasional comment about a mutual friend or current events. 

But...I know he does not want things to change, i,e going through the divorce process. It takes him a very long time to adapt to changes and he asked me three or four months ago to let it go for now. But I am worried about finances mostly. Is he keeping up payments on the house (which he said he would fix up and sell, so we could split any profit) and has he cashed in his 401k? I have no idea what his situation is. I have taken an apartment and been paying all of my bills from my disability, my only income source besides savings of my own. I plan to ask for a lump sum to cover what my share of the house profit should be and nothing more.

I just know that when I let him know I am filing, the cordiality will end. He will feel persecuted, etc even though in our state, the judge would make him give up 50% of everything he has (we would have to pool our assets and split them but he has much more) if we do not agree, and what I plan to ask for is probably 25% or less.

Guess I am just looking for opinions as to how to let him know to expect papers soon, and whether I should let him know I will be asking for a settlement. Anyone?? I hate the idea that we end up hostile. We really just need to both live separate lives. I want him to be happy (I am now, on my own). Thanks for reading.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why are you still ***** footing around a man whom you have already decided to divorce. Are you worried about his feelings or his reactions, why does it matter to you so much? If the court allows you to have your share, go ahead, take it and move on, you have already left him.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

In answer to your question...I want to be as kind as possible. Not only was he going through a terrible period, but his family was also always good to me and I do not have much family of my own, and none in the state. We are not going to reconcile-we were both too unhappy. But that does not mean I am happy about going through a divorce after a long marriage that was very happy for about fifteen years and when I feel no animosity toward my husband. I simply need to get my financial future settled. He should be able to retire in a year or so and will likely move away.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> In answer to your question...I want to be as kind as possible. Not only was he going through a terrible period, but his family was also always good to me and I do not have much family of my own, and none in the state. We are not going to reconcile-we were both too unhappy. But that does not mean I am happy about going through a divorce after a long marriage that was very happy for about fifteen years and when I feel no animosity toward my husband.* I simply need to get my financial future settled.* He should be able to retire in a year or so and will likely move away.


Yes, you do. And just tell him that if he gets mad. Sure, his feelings are important, but so are yours. This isn't only about him. You have to look out for yourself, and he's a grownup so he should realize that.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Does he assume you two will be getting divorced or does he think there is a chance to reconcile. I would just file and don't worry about how he reacts, friendly divorces are rare. You need to protect yourself since you are on a fixed income. He could stop making payments on the house then it would go into foreclosure and you would loose all of the equity. The courts should make him sell the house and split the profits 50/50 with you and the 401k too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he's not ready to face divorce, it doesn't matter how "kind" you try to make it for him. It isn't likely to make much difference. Divorce for most of us tends to be adversarial so be prepared. Staying in limbo, as you are now, is worse than dealing with the difficulty of divorce. Tell him it's time to get this over with so both of you can move on. And file.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Jane, sorry for your situation but the thing you must do is recognize that is not only perfectly legitimate but also absolutely necessary that you begin to put your interests first. Right now you are putting his feelings and desires before your own. You have to stop that. Recognize that your interests and his interests are in conflict. That doesn't mean you cant have a relatively amicable divorce. But you need to look out for yourself. No one else will. Don't worry about looking our for him. He's already doing that.
But do yourself this favor today. Call the mortgage company and the other creditors and see if he's been paying the bills. If I were still a betting man I would tell you that I suspect you are in for rude awakening. 
And regarding the 401K, 401K's and pensions are the largest marital asset generally speaking if the marital home has lost substantial value. If you had a lawyer and already filed you wouldn't have to worry about him cashing it in. You do have a lawyer don't you? Because if he cashes that in before the Court tells him he cant you are screwed.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> In answer to your question...I want to be as kind as possible. Not only was he going through a terrible period, but his family was also always good to me and I do not have much family of my own, and none in the state. We are not going to reconcile-we were both too unhappy. But that does not mean I am happy about going through a divorce after a long marriage that was very happy for about fifteen years and when I feel no animosity toward my husband. I simply need to get my financial future settled. He should be able to retire in a year or so and will likely move away.


Based on you health issues it may benefit him MORE than you to be legally divorce. Remind him of that if you were to take a turn for the worse and rack up a lot of medical bills.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I have an appointment next week with lawyer to get started.
As far as medical goes, he no longer covers me on his plan and I just started getting Medicare for disability, so he is not affected.
I decided not to let him know at this point. Will see what lawyer advises. Thanks.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Ok, let me ask this. Are you sure he dropped you from his health insurance or are you taking his word for it? If it is employer provided health insurance there is a good chance that his provider would not let him drop you without a court order. I would advise you to call the insurance carrier yourself and ask. And if he did tell them you are separated but no one has filed yet. He wouldn't be the first estranged spouse to forge a court order. I know you must think I am a terrible cynic. But this is precisely how you need to start to think too regarding him. All the more reason to get yourself to a lawyer.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Yes I was off of his insurance as of January of this year. We had not officially separated,,i.e no legal actions, so he was not obligated to insure me. Anyway I knew I would be able to get Medicare. So yes, not taking his word, I checked before enrolling.

Also I do have a lawyer and meeting again next week to pay the retainer and get moving on divorce.


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