# Wife uninterested in sex



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

Ok. This is a first post for me as a new member. I'm a new member for a reason unfortunately. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children and have a good friendship with each other.

The catch is that we never have sex nowadays. Things have changed dramatically in this area since we started dating. Prior to getting married she wanted it all the time...almost always initiating and always wanting it...a pretty naughty girl. In fact even before me, she was the same way. But since we got married things have gradually been getting worse.

The great sex lasted for a few months into our marriage after we bought our first house and had the whole place to ourselves. But then the sex turned into baby-making mode. This was fun for a little while until we found out that we would have more trouble conceiving than the average couple. After a while it became a very routine and uninteresting event. We were finally blessed with our first child. Naturally the sex was still on hold a lot while in mommy mode. At this point something fundamentally changed with my wife's sex drive. She was self conscious about how unsexy she looked post-baby, which I understand as a normal reaction but it got to the point where she no longer wanted to be naked in front of me (let alone strut her stuff in front of me like she used to do).

From that point on my sex life was for the sole purpose of making babies. There was a fake intimacy with it all. She kept telling me that she's going to lose weight and look sexy for me again...so again, I waited. I love her and believed her. I truly felt that once she gets past some basic self image issues, that we'd have normal sex life again. I encouraged exercise. I led by example losing a lot of weight myself, and encouraged healthier eating. Lo and behold after baby 3, she started hitting the gym and the pounds were dropping off. She looked great. She gets a lot of compliments on how she looks but it still wasn't good enough. She didn't like that she scarred a lot from her pregnancies and that she had a little belly pouch. Also her cup size went down a size.

I realize that can be a pretty traumatic change to get used to so again, I understood and supported her. I let her decide the pace for getting back into our groove....it never came. She realizes the frustration it's causing me and assures me that she loves me and will try to make time for it. But it never happens. She never initiates and has no issues putting intimacy aside because of work or being too tired...it's an easy afterthought for her.

It's become so difficult to make it happen now that I not only have to tell her well in advance...only after she says she's ready. It's not a same day spontaneous thing. There are times when the stars align and she still has no qualms about getting caught up in a TV show or a book instead of using the precious time alone to be intimate. Even in these cases, she's still not initiating...she says "we can do it tonight (or tomorrow) if you want to". She makes it sound like she's doing me a favor...I get so pissed at this approach that I just say f' it. I'm not going to be the one to initiate it. Then she says "why didn't you make your move"?

The last straw is a recent situation. We went on a family vacation at a beach resort. While I was in the room hanging out while the kids were napping, she went out to the pool to read and she also had a few ****tails. By the time I came out with the kids she was pretty buzzed and started talking a bit more freely about things in general. She said that one of the bartenders tried to flirt with her...she also mentioned another time shopping how a sales woman at a clothing store said she looked good and that she must work out a lot. These events obviously flattered her and she admitted that maybe she is bi-sexual because she catches herself looking at women more than men (she did have a bi experience in college) so it's not all that surprising. Now most guys would probably be turned on by this and I won't lie, I definitely was. But this time it stung because I caught her basically admitting that whenever she fantasizes about things, it doesn't involve me. She's even reading that damn 50 shades of grey book and had admitted to me that she gets off on it once in a while, having a thing for the the whole bdsm thing (yet another burst to my bubble). She asked me if I fantasize about her and I flat out said yes...especially since I know you get turned on by all this other stuff. That's the sad part, she still does have a sexual drive but it just doesn't involve me. You would've figured she'd want to jump my bones after reading that book.

She's also talking about maybe getting a tummy tuck and a boob job to boost her self image and libido. Who is she trying to impress? I've always been telling her she looks great the way she is. Now I'm not a gross dude or anything. I'm pretty fit and according to other people, a good looking guy, a great father, and one of those dad's/husbands that can do it all (cook, take care of the kids solo, fix things, home improvement, etc). But I'm really frustrated sexually. Do I deserve better? I love my family but the thought of living the rest of my life like this is depressing. I'm desperate for advice.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It might be that she finds it hard to break the pattern that your relationship has settled into. A sex therapist can help with getting the two of you on track. They do not only address sexual issues, but are like marriage counselors who also address sexual issues.

If your wife knows that you are not willing to continue your marriage the way it’s going, you might be able to shock her into paying attention to your marital needs.

And no tummy tucks, etc when she seems to be focusing elsewhere.


----------



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl, thanks for the advice. I agree that the pattern is probably hard to break. The sex therapist is a good start. I know she really does love me, but I feel she's oblivious and insensitive to how all of her actions are hurting me...although they are with good intentions to make things better between us. I don't know if that's a sex therapist thing or a marriage counselor thing. Or maybe it's just her own self esteem issues?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gerimacbp said:


> EleGirl, thanks for the advice. I agree that the pattern is probably hard to break. The sex therapist is a good start. I know she really does love me, but I feel she's oblivious and insensitive to how all of her actions are hurting me...although they are with good intentions to make things better between us. I don't know if that's a sex therapist thing or a marriage counselor thing. Or maybe it's just her own self esteem issues?


The sex therapist would also be able to help with anything a normal MC can help with.

I done some reading on techniques that sex therapists use to get a couple back connected sexually. These are of course things that you can your wife would do in privacy. Often, once the sex life is back on track your bodies will make hormones that will change your attitudes towards each other quite a bit... the edge will be gone. You might want do some reading on the topic.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It might be that she finds it hard to break the pattern that your relationship has settled into. A sex therapist can help with getting the two of you on track. They do not only address sexual issues, but are like marriage counselors who also address sexual issues.
> 
> If your wife knows that you are not willing to continue your marriage the way it’s going, you might be able to shock her into paying attention to your marital needs.
> 
> And no tummy tucks, etc when she seems to be focusing elsewhere.


Yes. You need to get back on track with her. And it may not be very easy, but in your instance, you're pretty early into it, so it's not undoable. 

Start picking up on some techniques to rock her world. She needs to have great sex to want sex. I've gone through this. The W, after a period of no sex due to a health issue, was more than happy to go without. I did a couple things. I gently let her know that I recognized it had to be good for her, but I would not live like that again. Then I went about making sure I "rocked her world" when we did have sex. Her drive was back up to 100 percent in no time. I'm not sure what it is. Us guys, our drive can be high without great sex. But with women I've found that they can be happy with or without it...unless they're getting great sex. Then they can't seem to be happy without it. The trick is to be a little patient (but not too much so), and "kick start" her drive by making sex wonderful for her. Once you do so, she'll typically desire more. But you have to get her to that point. As EleGirl said...you have to break the pattern. It's all about "snowballs". You can make a snowball and roll it down a bad hill, and let it keep picking up speed and size until it's a behemoth of destruction, OR, you can roll that snowball down a good hill, and it will likewise pick up speed and size. Your choice which hill to roll it down.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

donny64 said:


> Yes. You need to get back on track with her. And it may not be very easy, but in your instance, you're pretty early into it, so it's not undoable.
> 
> Start picking up on some techniques to rock her world. She needs to have great sex to want sex. I've gone through this. The W, after a period of no sex due to a health issue, was more than happy to go without. I did a couple things. I gently let her know that I recognized it had to be good for her, but I would not live like that again. Then I went about making sure I "rocked her world" when we did have sex. Her drive was back up to 100 percent in no time. I'm not sure what it is. Us guys, our drive can be high without great sex. But with women I've found that they can be happy with or without it...unless they're getting great sex. Then they can't seem to be happy without it. The trick is to be a little patient (but not too much so), and "kick start" her drive by making sex wonderful for her. Once you do so, she'll typically desire more. But you have to get her to that point.


A quote that explains this is...

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

It's true that the more great sex a woman has, usually the more she wants. It has to do with our hormone production. Great sex causes more of the good hormones to be created… the good ones that make us want more sex. What I have read is that it seems that a woman’s body works in such a way to match her sex drive to her partners. Women’s sex drive is responsive.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree with the above quote... Women need a reason to have sex.

What was her reason for being sexual with you prior to marriage? It was to get you to marry her. Then it was to have children. She has gotten what she wants in life, marriage and children. What is her current reason for wanting sex with you? You must give her a reason.

What must this reason be? It is a) you must be a great husband and make her happy. b) she must have a great life that she enjoys. c) You must connect to her that you provide her with "a" and "b" and that you are a sexual man who expects his wife to meet his sexual needs.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Geri,
Your W wants you to be sexually aggressive with her. And that is VERY normal. More than half the female population - given they can relax about the concept - finds the "guy completely taking control - maybe being a bit rough" very hot. 

The comment she made about 50 shades of grey was directed at YOU. It is a clear statement of "male/female" dominant sex is hot. 

This does not require dressing in leather or any equipment. It does require you to bring some edge to bed. 

When she asked "why didn't you go for it". She wants you to just "TAKE" her. 

And THAT is the only fantasy no one wants to request.





gerimacbp said:


> Ok. This is a first post for me as a new member. I'm a new member for a reason unfortunately. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children and have a good friendship with each other.
> 
> The catch is that we never have sex nowadays. Things have changed dramatically in this area since we started dating. Prior to getting married she wanted it all the time...almost always initiating and always wanting it...a pretty naughty girl. In fact even before me, she was the same way. But since we got married things have gradually been getting worse.
> 
> ...


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Some great advice given here. As MEM says be more aggressive and bold, be willing to get shot down. Heck I've been shot down a ton of times and I still keep coming back for more.

She may also want to feel like you are fighting for your sex life, not passive aggressively like you are doing it... but actively! Be BOLD! 

I strongly agree with seeing a sex therapist immediately. We have been going to one for a few months now and it's helped a lot. We found a good one through my wife's gynecologist, perhaps your wife's gyn can recommend one?


----------



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

Some good advice here. Thanks everyone. There's two things I'm understanding so far, 1) is that we need to address this issue asap before it gets worse, and 2) I need to be more bold

Point number 2 was a bit of a surprise to hear but it makes sense I suppose. I still honestly think she doesn't find me physically attractive anymore for some reason. It's bizarre. I totally notice her when she's dressed sexy or walking around half naked after a shower. She doesn't take notice to me like that anymore like she used to. I could be totally naked getting out of the shower and she'd just look and talk to me like I was fully clothed.

Anyway, I see everyone's point but in the end, I still feel like I'm being wronged here. We'll see how things go and I'll report back any progress.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Agree that you should move more aggressively towards sex, but for a different reason.

I find it odd that she has made it known you need to schedule sex in advance, yet she never is available. Feels like there is a bit of intentionality to it; she indicates she wants advance notice yet does not respond when she gets it.

So, yeah, when you see she has a bit of down time (and certainly when she has a big block of time and having drinks, picking up a big book, etc.) make your move. If she responds, then you know what you have to do. If she still puts you off, respect that then at the next neutral opportunity explain that consistently putting the marriage last is not working for you, and that her neglecting the marriage inevitably will lead to you doing the same.

If you continue to let this slide, you are reinforcing that this behavior is okay because while you protest your actions conflict with and speak louder than your words. Your mindset now should be that her actions either support or harm the marriage - no neutrals.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

90 percent of the time,a woman starts talking boob and tummy job you should really start waking up. they are usually the start of her starting to look elsewhere.


----------



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

So I confronted her last night telling how her actions and comments make me feel and I must say it was not really the reaction a wanted. She got pretty defensive about her struggles with body image and I got a half-ass apology for being insensitive to the situation. She was pretty surprised I said what I said and I was even getting choked up telling her. Now we're in some weird place where we're not talking and ignoring each other. She tried to snuggle with me after our talk and I was like...really???!

She did say that she can do without sex...which is in line with what all of you are saying about "needing a reason". But that in my mind didn't help her argument. Actually its kind of relieving getting that ambiguity out of the way. She didn't have much of a counter argument when I claimed she's not physically attracted to me anymore. She disagreed and I said then where's the evidence that you are?...silence.

She's going a way traveling for work for two days so these few days apart should be interesting. Appreciate all the feedback.


----------



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

67flh said:


> 90 percent of the time,a woman starts talking boob and tummy job you should really start waking up. they are usually the start of her starting to look elsewhere.


Interesting statistic. She did think its something I wanted but I made it clear I don't care about it and she looks beautiful the way she is. Silence again. I think deep down she wants to get them done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rocco (May 20, 2012)

Hi,
I have the same issue as titled here but minus the signs of sexual stirring on her part. That in being alone, with others or otherwise. As far as her wanting physical self improvement, I relate in that I am starting to workout myself. I have to admit it's half for us and half for the ego boost of knowing I can attract others. My 'blind' comment is there is a good chance it's motivated by thoughts of others in the way of starting to be tempeted by the forbidden fruit. Maybe just the slight rush at this point. I doubt those books are about how to spice up a long term relationship, and more about strange or new love. But with what is being shared to you, compliments from other men/women, it is at least on her mind. My thought would to beat her to it. In working out, self improvement that is. Make her wonder about you this time.



gerimacbp said:


> Interesting statistic. She did think its something I wanted but I made it clear I don't care about it and she looks beautiful the way she is. Silence again. I think deep down she wants to get them done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She says she can do without sex. Can she also do without her husband? There are two people in this relationship; two sets of needs, two sets of feelings. She needs to drop her laser focus from her sags, wrinkles, bartender, book, etc, and recall she's still got a husband...for now. He's got legs and a brain. If he gets unhappy enough, he will walk. She's giving him precious little reason to stay. She's got three kids who are going to suffer horribly if she doesn't drop this self-centered routine of hers. The world is full of single moms who thought they didn't have to work at marriage. If he dangles from that celibacy cross long enough, he'll just hop down and walk.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Un,
For a guy with a lot of integrity, you consistently givve advice that you seem unable to follow yourself.




unbelievable said:


> She says she can do without sex. Can she also do without her husband? There are two people in this relationship; two sets of needs, two sets of feelings. She needs to drop her laser focus from her sags, wrinkles, bartender, book, etc, and recall she's still got a husband...for now. He's got legs and a brain. If he gets unhappy enough, he will walk. She's giving him precious little reason to stay. She's got three kids who are going to suffer horribly if she doesn't drop this self-centered routine of hers. The world is full of single moms who thought they didn't have to work at marriage. If he dangles from that celibacy cross long enough, he'll just hop down and walk.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> She says she can do without sex. Can she also do without her husband? There are two people in this relationship; two sets of needs, two sets of feelings. She needs to drop her laser focus from her sags, wrinkles, bartender, book, etc, and recall she's still got a husband...for now. He's got legs and a brain. If he gets unhappy enough, he will walk. She's giving him precious little reason to stay. She's got three kids who are going to suffer horribly if she doesn't drop this self-centered routine of hers. The world is full of single moms who thought they didn't have to work at marriage. If he dangles from that celibacy cross long enough, he'll just hop down and walk.


It is nice to hear someone so strongly defend me. The truth is I'll do anything in my power to avoid doing that to my kids. Having said that, there are two sides to the coin. I have my flaws. I'm not the most affectionate person but I try to make it up for her in other ways...offer her massages, cook her dinner, take care of the kids, & keep the house looking good. The difference is that I've always been that way. That's how I was when we started dating up until when we got married. I think nowadays though this whole lack of sex situation is causing frustration and resentment and I end up being more distant with her (although I do still take care of business w/ the family & house). It's self perpetuating. But she is clearly now less affectionate with me than she was in our 5 years of dating. I'd get an occasional caress on the back, or a pat on the but...but not def not the smoochy/huggy person she used to be. She'd move right along to whatever she was doing when I'd be wanting more.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Geri,
I truly am trying to be helpful here. TRUST ME everything I say below is based on direct personal experience AND reading lots a and lots of posts about how guys here turned things around by doing thing different than they used to. So take this in that spirit. 

You: I "feel bad ....your sexual response to me isn't what I want...long painful conversation"


Your Wife: OMG. I freakin told him:
1. 50 shades is SUPER HOT
2. Why didn't he just TAKE ME

How much of a picture do I need to draw. AFTER I tell him EXACTLY WHAT I WANT. He comes and whines about how I am making him feel bad by not acting interested. 

THE WHOLE FREAKIN SCENARIO OF HIM TAKING ME IS PREDICATED ON ME NOT SHOWING INTEREST IN THE BEGINNING. IF I START OUT SHOWING INTEREST HE ISN'T TAKING ME HE IS JUST RESPONDING TO ME. 

THAT IS NOT A TURN ON TO ME. I WANT TO BE TAKEN. WHAT THE HELL ELSE CAN I TELL HIM FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT. 


Geri,
You cannot ask her permission to take her. You have to just do it. The day before you proceed just do one thing. Just one thing but a very important one. Establish a safe word. Very simple to do. You tell her: "From now on - in any sexual situation - unless YOU (meaning your wife) say the word "INSERT SAFE WORD HERE" I am going to do whatever I want to you. The safe word should be simple - like ORANGES. And make sure she hears you and understands that. Keep the conversation about the safe word as short as humanly possible. Like under 60 seconds. Ideally she will just look at you and nod/smile. 

I think she will only use the safe word if you pick a bad time - meaning she is clearly unhappy/sad or really tired. 

Very short voice commands in a firm/sharp voice tend to work well. Strip - NOW! often is a good start. Though kissing her and pushing her against the wall of the bedroom is also a winner. 

If she gives you "soft" resistance that means she WANTS you to proceed. "I am not sure I want to do this" is part of a game of resistance that is part of the "taken" scenario. 

Unless she uses the "safe word" you proceed. 

And separate from that you need to start learning how to wrestly with her - as foreplay. 





gerimacbp said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> So I confronted her last night telling how her actions and comments make me feel and I must say it was not really the reaction a wanted. She got pretty defensive about her struggles with body image and I got a half-ass apology for being insensitive to the situation. She was pretty surprised I said what I said and I was even getting choked up telling her. Now we're in some weird place where we're not talking and ignoring each other. She tried to snuggle with me after our talk and I was like...really???!
> 
> ...


----------



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Geri,
> I truly am trying to be helpful here. TRUST ME everything I say below is based on direct personal experience AND reading lots a and lots of posts about how guys here turned things around by doing thing different than they used to. So take this in that spirit.
> 
> You: I "feel bad ....your sexual response to me isn't what I want...long painful conversation"
> ...


Trust me. I've thought about doing that. I'll try it as my "bold" move but I doubt its going to fly. The body image thing always comes up. She's the type of person who likes to plan everything to death so somehow I don't see her going along with that. This is the 2nd time I confronted her and I have tried to just take her in the past (maybe not so as aggressively as all of you are suggesting) but I'm not talking about just groping her into making love either. She'd make up some excuses and cut me off...even some times just totally squashing the mood with weird turn-off excuses like she has BM or C issues. I want to believe you. I'll give it a try.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

gerimacbp said:


> It is nice to hear someone so strongly defend me. The truth is I'll do anything in my power to avoid doing that to my kids. Having said that, there are two sides to the coin. I have my flaws. I'm not the most affectionate person but I try to make it up for her in other ways...offer her massages, cook her dinner, take care of the kids, & keep the house looking good. The difference is that I've always been that way. That's how I was when we started dating up until when we got married. I think nowadays though this whole lack of sex situation is causing frustration and resentment and I end up being more distant with her (although I do still take care of business w/ the family & house). It's self perpetuating. But she is clearly now less affectionate with me than she was in our 5 years of dating. I'd get an occasional caress on the back, or a pat on the but...but not def not the smoochy/huggy person she used to be. She'd move right along to whatever she was doing when I'd be wanting more.


Of course you're becoming less affectionate! Why would anyone waste time waxing a car that had no engine? The logical consequence of ignoring another's basic needs is that they will resent you. Continuing to shower your abuser with endless affection wouldn't even make sense.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Un,
> For a guy with a lot of integrity, you consistently givve advice that you seem unable to follow yourself.
> 
> 
> ...


I realize that fact even better than you do. I rationalize it to myself in this way. I knew my wife was severely LD before I married her. She actually does have depression, bipolar, ptsd, and God knows what else. I personally suspect she's BPD. I knew about these psych conditions before I married her. I wouldn't advise anyone to knowingly marry a mentally ill partner but I don't believe I've advised anyone to divorce their partner over a mental health condition. Marrying her was probably unwise but I did.


----------



## gerimacbp (May 19, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Geri,
> I truly am trying to be helpful here. TRUST ME everything I say below is based on direct personal experience AND reading lots a and lots of posts about how guys here turned things around by doing thing different than they used to. So take this in that spirit.
> 
> You: I "feel bad ....your sexual response to me isn't what I want...long painful conversation"
> ...


MEM1163,

You may be onto something. I think she's more into the 50 Shades stuff than I thought. She dropped some more clues to that. I just don't know to what degree yet and I don't even think she realizes to what degree either. I'll just start out being a bit more aggressive and see how she responds. She hasn't come home from traveling yet but we have made amends and we can't wait to see each other. 

She for some reason thought I encouraged her to get a boob job and tummy tuck, which I reassured her wasn't the case.

Thanks again.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

gerimacbp said:


> Trust me. I've thought about doing that. I'll try it as my "bold" move but I doubt its going to fly. The body image thing always comes up. She's the type of person who likes to plan everything to death so somehow I don't see her going along with that. This is the 2nd time I confronted her and I have tried to just take her in the past (maybe not so as aggressively as all of you are suggesting) but I'm not talking about just groping her into making love either. She'd make up some excuses and cut me off...even some times just totally squashing the mood with weird turn-off excuses like she has BM or C issues. I want to believe you. I'll give it a try.


MEM has some great advice here. Talking about these things is a turn off to many women. Doing them is not. They don't want to admit that they have these feelings, but are willing to be lead into them. Stop talking about it and start doing them. It will fail if you go in expecting it fail. 

If she raises the body image thing, dismiss it by telling her how hot she is and is making you and keep going. Show her by your actions how attracted you are to her.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TAG is giving you great advice. Be prepared for any body image comments. My advice:
- Take her face in your hands - gently - look her in the eye and say "you are soooo hot"
- EXPECT resistance as it is part of the game - she may argue with you - whether spoken or body language you need to respond very quickly - lean to the side and smack her on the butt - firmly - you won't "hurt" her as in "real" hurt
- Then go back to eye contact and say "You need to learn - that when I compliment you - you may nod, or say thank you, or quietly look down (this last bit is pure body language submission which she will immediately grasp) and I will punish ANY OTHER response - and then give her the "do you understand" look

As soon as you get past that sequence - SHE will be turned on and you can start with "strip - get on the bed...." whatever you want her to do. 

YOU should read 50 shades. Don't tell her you are/have done so. Just do it. And use what you learn....




Tall Average Guy said:


> MEM has some great advice here. Talking about these things is a turn off to many women. Doing them is not. They don't want to admit that they have these feelings, but are willing to be lead into them. Stop talking about it and start doing them. It will fail if you go in expecting it fail.
> 
> If she raises the body image thing, dismiss it by telling her how hot she is and is making you and keep going. Show her by your actions how attracted you are to her.


----------



## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

Every guy should take Mem's advice below and apply it quickly. I have done so with my wife opening a totally different side of her I didn't know existed for 18 years. Mem has helped me with what I've learned about her and taken it to a whole new level. We are into year 21 of marriage and I can tell you the past three have been the best sexually.

50 Shades of Grey, uh pretty tame to us now!



MEM11363 said:


> TAG is giving you great advice. Be prepared for any body image comments. My advice:
> - Take her face in your hands - gently - look her in the eye and say "you are soooo hot"
> - EXPECT resistance as it is part of the game - she may argue with you - whether spoken or body language you need to respond very quickly - lean to the side and smack her on the butt - firmly - you won't "hurt" her as in "real" hurt
> - Then go back to eye contact and say "You need to learn - that when I compliment you - you may nod, or say thank you, or quietly look down (this last bit is pure body language submission which she will immediately grasp) and I will punish ANY OTHER response - and then give her the "do you understand" look
> ...


----------



## plony (Jan 24, 2013)

I'm in a position very very similar to that of the OP. So many things he's said that was like "dang it, describes exactly my situation".

I see no response/followup here for a while, so I am assuming - maybe geri is living happily ever after because this recent/last advice (about more "aggressive" approach) actually worked?...

I can report that after 1 evening of trying stuff like this - I am seeing some preliminary positive results. Just some, but I guess maybe it takes a few more rounds for things to catch on all the way. I hope.

I've also discovered something which I'd like to share, maybe it'll help someone else too;
I discovered the problem may have been with myself all along; confidence issues, strong fear of rejection, strong fear of not being liked, etc.

I feel this was putting a severe halt on me daring to do/say some things, and instead preferring to think & hope that she might take initiative & show enough will/desire until I felt comfortable enough that she's into me.

I now realize that this may not be how the game works. She might never ever pull us (me) out of such a state, she'd even go on forever missing out on all the fun than do something that would compromise her natural womanly prude/shy/need-a-reason-for-sex nature. She might not even realize consciously but she really was waiting for me to be a real man & dare dare dare fearlessly, disregarding any fears of rejection & the like (even if rejection might occur sometimes!)

The moral is then; examine yourself (honestly!) if you may have such fears which may be hindering your boldness to dare all the way. If you do have such fears, you may want to work on them, either on your own if you can or if you need counseling/help go for it - you'll be glad. Super glad.



One small thing that bothers me now is - I feel "it's not fair", that somehow you guys & billions more out there somehow naturally know/knew how to be a man & be bold as advised here -- on their own, without needing to read about it in these forums. Not fair. Why couldn't I figure that out myself on my own too? What gives everyone else the right to know all about how sex/women work and I didn't know? It's as if I was absent the day sexual knowledge/know-how was distributed to men. All _I_ naturally felt/concluded was that we (me&wife) might both have same kind of desires & lusts, so it should be no big deal getting into the swing of fun things. How's anyone supposed to independently figure-out / deduce that "Oh, hmm.. apparently she doesn't work the same way as the guy, so uhh... Oh, I know! I must act totally boldly and lead her right into things without even checking with her if it's all cool." ?? Whoever gives anyone the impression that this is ok/acceptable/bound to succeed/not fail catastrophically?


Wtvr. I'm glad I know now, and that I've managed to dig out some strong sense of confidence/boldness that totally overrides any fears. As in; What - she might not like it? She might not find some things cool? She might not respond very interested / turned on / into it? Too friggin bad. I mean - there's gotta be SOME sequence of actions that she would find hot/be turned on by, so im'a stop worrying too much and start taking us there. Secretly, that's what she wants.

Well -- based on what you guys were saying anyway.
Hope it works.


----------



## CJK (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you Geri and Plony. 
I too can relate to this situation and would love to hear how things have turned out. One big difference however is that my wife thinks 50 shades is garbage and really never did display the strong sex drive. It makes me wonder if this relationship was a mismatch from the get go as I have a very strong sex drive and wish she thought that kind of stuff was hot. It's just hard to know since at one time we did have a great sex life and she does claim to want sex but never initiates it in a way that I can recognize. She seems totally fine going a month with out which for me is total hell but I get so tired of feeling rejected and like I constantly have to go to her for the favor of it all. 
As for the forceful thing I can say with 99% certainty that it would not work on my wife and that she may even slap me or something. I occasionally give her a light spanking when I can't resist the urge or even just grab her waistline from behind and she is very clear about not wanting to be "groped" like that. She instead tells me that she needs more small efforts to warm her up and be all romantic like if I ever want to get her in the mood. I really have tried to go the extra mile without results but it isn't realistic to come home with flowers and newly penned poems every day. Life is hard and busy, I try to let her know that I love her but after years of feeling frustrated like this I'm no longer sure if I even do or not anymore. I fear this life of sexual and emotional unfullfillment will continue on forever because I don't want to be away from my children. 
Don't really know where to turn here but I do appreciate the advice and just reading about others who can understand my frustrations. I don't really feel comfortable talking to friends about this kind of stuff and according to my wife counseling is super expensive and we can't afford it.


----------



## CJK (Jan 24, 2013)

than do something that would compromise her natural womanly prude/shy/need-a-reason-for-sex nature. 



This quote is great and I feel describes my wife very well, it's almost as if she's too proud to put her self out there even though we've been together for 10 plus years.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Does she orgasm during sex?

I'm just wondering.

Maybe she's bored with your sex life.

Because it sounds like she has a drive, as you mentioned, just not when it comes to you.

I hope you can fix this.

And I hope I didn't hurt your feelings but that's the first thing that comes to mind.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

67flh said:


> 90 percent of the time,a woman starts talking boob and tummy job you should really start waking up. they are usually the start of her starting to look elsewhere.


I would agree it's a big red flag. I would start monitoring her internet usage and history and at least check to see if she is sending an inordinate amount of texts. Don't want to freak you out; it is just a precaution. If you trust her then you won't expect to find anything.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

One of the reasons I say this ... it sounds like deja vu to me. There is a guy at work who was going through a nasty divorce where his wife was a serial cheater. I was in a separation at the time so we hung out and commiserated. After more than a few beers one night, he told to me that he had met a woman through ash mad. A lot of what he told me about her rings a bell with your wife. Tummy tuck, check ... she had one, post 3 kids. Boob job, check ... she had one. 50 Shades, yep. I asked if the husband had any idea. He said he didn't think so, she plans it very carefully ... and the thing that really made me connect with your story ... she rarely has sex with her husband but just in case, she makes her husband schedule sex in advance so that there is never a chance she has sex with him and her husband on the same night. Wow. Things you don't discuss with your coworkers ... lost a lot of respect for him that night, two wrongs don't make a right ... but you don't forget a story like that. I don't know anything about your wife other than what you posted here and I don't want to make you jump to conclusions based on some random woman ... trust but verify.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Geri,
When a wife says "50 shades makes me hot" the worst response you can offer her is some type of jealous, judgmental or negative reply. 

The best response by far is to start being more sexually dominant and aggressive and 
Begin to try some lightly rough stuff during sex. 






gerimacbp said:


> Ok. This is a first post for me as a new member. I'm a new member for a reason unfortunately. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children and have a good friendship with each other.
> 
> The catch is that we never have sex nowadays. Things have changed dramatically in this area since we started dating. Prior to getting married she wanted it all the time...almost always initiating and always wanting it...a pretty naughty girl. In fact even before me, she was the same way. But since we got married things have gradually been getting worse.
> 
> ...


----------



## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

My wife had a three month long affair with a coworker. She was dropping the same hints as your wife (especially the heavy flirting). I admit I was always working so I wasn't there for her. Thus, she started wandering, flirting, not wanting to have sex with me, starting handing out at clubs with her single coworkers drinking, coming home reeking of alchohol, making house visits to the coworkers apartment when she'd tell me she's with a female friend, etc..

She admitted to me two days after my birthday about the affair. Prior to her admitting it to me, I caught her downstairs with a ex boyfriend in our house making out on his lap. I quickly squashed that situation, but that was when I started questioning her. But after those two incandescent I didn't divorce her because we had a young daughter (my parents divorced when I was 12, so I know first hand how hard it was on me at 12, I can only image it for our 2 year old daughter at the time). 

I'm still her today, but the trust has never been at 100% since those two incidents. It's literally stuck at 90%. I literally still remember those two days like it was 5 minutes ago (yet it was 6 years ago). Get your things ready to leave her before you end up like me. I'm honestly only married because we have children together, but if if wasn't for that. I would have left her soon as I caught her with her ex-boyfriend.

Save yourself unspeakable pain, (I do mean unspeakable pain. Only someone who's been cheated on can fully understand where I'm coming from) and leave now. She wants something you can't give her anymore. She's missing the "old care free days". Until she get that, she won't be ready to be a wife.


----------



## plony (Jan 24, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> Does she orgasm during sex?
> 
> I'm just wondering.
> 
> ...


Not sure who this was meant for, but as for me; yes, she does orgasm. It's very strange though, somehow it doesn't seem to make for any build up in her. As in, even though she seems to enjoy it, she'll never randomly request/hint/flirt for sex to get it. It's as if it all remains in bed, and out in everyday life it just never seems to cross her mind. Evar.


----------

