# another day...



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

I posted several weeks ago with my story. Married over 30 years...hubby took a job across country..moved, ended up in an emotional affair with a younger woman.....that started to turn sexual. I ended up moving to be with him to try to hold our marriage together. This was his second affair in our marriage, along with some venturing into the *threesome* area. We have been in marriage counseling for almost two months.
He did have contact with the OW once when I first arrived, but has stated he has had NO contact with her since then, they both agreed to work on their own marriages. He has told me he had feelings for her, but was not in love with her. I am slowly working on my own issues, but having a difficult time living in a new state...and being totally alone (other than my hubby). Very limited social life, very few friends...and I am missing my family back home. We have a very close family ( we all actually live near each other, and spent a great deal of time together). My two daughters remained back home...one is married and is on her own, but the other one is a senior in High School and opted to stay there with her aunt and uncle to finish her senior year. I find myself feeling very resentful to my husband for doing this to our family....not only the affair, but the moving away and starting a new life. I also have a great deal of guilt for making the decision to fight for my marriage and leaving our teenage daughter, although we did allow her to make the ultimate choice about where she wanted to be. Counseling was very difficult today....I broke down. Hubby and I had a wonderful weekend planned with the three day holiday, but he found out that he has to work the entire holiday and I have allowed that to send me into a tailspin. Knowing I am a thousand miles away from my family and friends, and trying to hold together a difficult marriage just sucks. I do love my husband, but we are at such a critical time, and our communication skills are just not where they should be. Just feeling very overwhelmed....


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

I really feel for you. I know how it is to be thousands of miles away for family in times of crisis. You need the support and you should have it. The best way to enforce no contact is to be far away. I would suggest that as a condition for reconciliation that you require him to move back. That way you can work on yourself to heal with the support network you deserve. He is the one that was unfaithful, he should be doing the heavy lifting and paying the price as much as possible.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> This was his second affair in our marriage, along with some venturing into the *threesome* area.


Does this kind of stuff ever work?

I wish you well and I hope your husband comes through for you.


----------



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through this so very far from your loved ones.

I just wanted to tell you that I think it's amazing what you sacrificed to fight for your marriage. 

I'm pulling for you and your hubby to make it through this stage. Also to let you know that you're never really alone, you have the good people here at TAM to lean on, I understand that it isn't the same as being there but I lean on these folks and they have been so supportive. Good luck to you in your quest for a happy marriage.


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

meson said:


> I really feel for you. I know how it is to be thousands of miles away for family in times of crisis. You need the support and you should have it. The best way to enforce no contact is to be far away. I would suggest that as a condition for reconciliation that you require him to move back. That way you can work on yourself to heal with the support network you deserve. He is the one that was unfaithful, he should be doing the heavy lifting and paying the price as much as possible.


I wish moving back home was a possibility, but it is not. He has been here for almost a year (we lived apart of 10 months, before I made the move). If he returned home, he would have no job, which would not work for us financially. We are making two house payments right now, until we make a decision about what to do with our other home. I refused to sell it, or make any big decisions in regards to the other home until I felt secure in the choice that I have made, or the choice I feel that was made for me. If I had my choice....none of this would have ever happened, and I would be back to my old life. I know h made the right decision for himself, but I feel like my feelings were not taken into consideration. Although...in all honesty he stayed back in our old hometown for many years...living a very unhappy life and disliking his job because I had to care for my invalid mother. He did sacrifice for me as well...


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

havenrose33 said:


> I wish moving back home was a possibility, but it is not. He has been here for almost a year (we lived apart of 10 months, before I made the move). If he returned home, he would have no job, which would not work for us financially. We are making two house payments right now, until we make a decision about what to do with our other home. I refused to sell it, or make any big decisions in regards to the other home until I felt secure in the choice that I have made, or the choice I feel that was made for me. If I had my choice....none of this would have ever happened, and I would be back to my old life. I know h made the right decision for himself, but I feel like my feelings were not taken into consideration. Although...in all honesty he stayed back in our old hometown for many years...living a very unhappy life and disliking his job because I had to care for my invalid mother. He did sacrifice for me as well...




moving back home sounds like a very good idea to me . you still have a house there and a daughter. 


see a lawyer and know what might be avalible to you if you guys end up divorcing. the more informed you are the better you will be able to make a good decission.


did you work? contact youe old employer and see if you can get your job back. 


this is his second time cheating on you he most likely won't stop. and his affair most likely was much more involved than he is letting on to. Don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth.

he has to work suddenly this weekend ......red falg I would suspect hes see his affair partner. don't say anything but check up on him making sure hes really working when he says he is.


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Does this kind of stuff ever work?
> 
> I wish you well and I hope your husband comes through for you.


I often wonder exactly what goes through peoples minds when they make the choice to cheat. I think the dishonesty is as hurtful as the actual sexual act...


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Burned said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this so very far from your loved ones.
> 
> I just wanted to tell you that I think it's amazing what you sacrificed to fight for your marriage.
> 
> I'm pulling for you and your hubby to make it through this stage. Also to let you know that you're never really alone, you have the good people here at TAM to lean on, I understand that it isn't the same as being there but I lean on these folks and they have been so supportive. Good luck to you in your quest for a happy marriage.


Thanks for the kind words. Its nice to be able to vent, and actually have someone else who understands the emotions involved when a spouse cheats...


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> moving back home sounds like a very good idea to me . you still have a house there and a daughter.
> 
> 
> see a lawyer and know what might be avalible to you if you guys end up divorcing. the more informed you are the better you will be able to make a good decission.
> ...


In all honesty...I do have times when I want to get on the next plane and head back home. But...I know that would be the easy way out for both my dh and I. It is going to take much more work to stay...then to run.
I am not worried about where I stand if we divorce....he will give me whatever I ask for. He is and idiot when it comes to sex...but after 31 years of marriage, I do believe his words are honest in regards to making sure I am taken care of if we divorce. And the answer to if I could get my old job back...yes, I probably could. I worked part time before I made the move. I do know he is working this weekend....I have seen the texts from work, although....at first, I did have some doubts. I also do find myself questioning much of what he says...it will take a while to get the trust back..


----------



## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

I know this is history now and obviously can't be changed, but how did you end up with a long distance marriage? How did you think you could remain emotionally and physically connected separated for months on end?

If I was separated from my wife for 10 months other woman would be looking real good.

I know it can be done, but it is so stressful.

:scratchhead:


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

havenrose33 said:


> I posted several weeks ago with my story. Married over 30 years...hubby took a job across country..moved, ended up in an emotional affair with a younger woman.....that started to turn sexual. I ended up moving to be with him to try to hold our marriage together. This was his second affair in our marriage, *along with some venturing into the *threesome* area.* We have been in marriage counseling for almost two months.


Were you involved with the threesomes?

What consequences did he have for the first affair?


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

JustAnotherMan said:


> I know this is history now and obviously can't be changed, but how did you end up with a long distance marriage? How did you think you could remain emotionally and physically connected separated for months on end?
> 
> If I was separated from my wife for 10 months other woman would be looking real good.
> 
> ...


We ended up in the long distance marriage when he accepted a new position a thousand miles away from home. He had been very unhappy at his old job for years, and when offered this new opportunity...he took it. I was not happy with his decision and made that perfectly clear to him. He had suffered a stroke five years ago because of stress related to his job, so I told him that he needed to do what he felt was best for his health. When he left, things were not great in our marriage, and I decided to stay for the remained of the school year with our daughter. He wanted us to move when he moved. We saw each other several times during the 10 months, but it was obvious that things were not as they should be. In March he became friends with a younger married woman, and they ended up having an affair. It did turn physical, but SHE stopped it before they had actual intercourse. If she had not stopped it, I have no doubt that it would have gone further. My dh and I had very little emotional connection left at that point, although I feel we did love each other. After 31 years....we just forgot the cherish part of our vows.
I had every chance to cheat as well, but I knew it was a move that was not right for me. He got involved with this woman and lied about it for several months, until I started to put together some of the pieces. That's when we both agreed to try to work on our marriage....and that is where we are at now....working on it. Just have days when I feel exhausted, and very sad.


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

aug said:


> Were you involved with the threesomes?
> 
> What consequences did he have for the first affair?


I was involved with the threesome, a night of drinking..and it ended up causing the end of a 25 year friendship. It was not something I EVER wanted to do, but I allowed it to happen and I take responsibility for my mistakes. It had been his dream to have that happen, and I felt very pressured into it for many years.....and I put myself in a position that I should never have allowed to happen, and but for the drinking, it would not have happened. It will NEVER happen again with me being involved. It almost destroyed me...
His first affair happened ten years into our 31 year marriage. He had a six month affair with one of my friends. She fell deeply in love with him and tried to commit suicide when he ended it. I had NO clue this affair was going on, he came clean to me about the affair. I had told him before he started the affair that I was unsure of my feeling about him, and to him.....that meant the marriage was over. We were in marriage counseling for almost a year after that affair. Worked through it, but honestly never got our communication and trust back to a good place. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, but we both knew better.


----------



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

What a hard situation for you to be in. Also; one that is affecting your daughter as well. I admire you for moving to be with him, but I am wondering if there is a lot of resentment around that decision. Will you be able to get past it since it seems looking from the outside that you have sacrificed so much for him.

You must put yourself first here and especially if you are having doubts. Keep up the therapy as it will help you decide what is best for you and your future.


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

5Creed said:


> What a hard situation for you to be in. Also; one that is affecting your daughter as well. I admire you for moving to be with him, but I am wondering if there is a lot of resentment around that decision. Will you be able to get past it since it seems looking from the outside that you have sacrificed so much for him.
> 
> You must put yourself first here and especially if you are having doubts. Keep up the therapy as it will help you decide what is best for you and your future.


Without a doubt I do feel resentment about moving away from my family and home. We are in counseling to help us deal with everything, but after five visits our counselor has advised us to move on, stop dwelling on the past and work on letting resentments go. All very difficult for me. But, I am trying! I know that my husband has resentments too, and he has made it clear that he is trying to let them go. He seems to be having more success than I am, but then again, most of my resentments come from more recent events in our marriage. Today is my daughters first day as a Senior in High School, and I am not there with her, and it hurts me deeply. But...I know I have to try my best to concentrate on the reasons I moved here. I want a strong, healthy marriage. That is not going to happen without a great deal of work...and sacrifice.


----------



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

havenrose33 said:


> Thanks for the kind words. Its nice to be able to vent, and actually have someone else who understands the emotions involved when a spouse cheats...


I wish I understood the emotions. I wade through them looking to catagorize them so I have some idea of where I'm at, but in all honesty most day's I feel lost.


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Burned said:


> I wish I understood the emotions. I wade through them looking to catagorize them so I have some idea of where I'm at, but in all honesty most day's I feel lost.


I get that...I often feel very lost. Its difficult to adjust to the fact that everything you thought you had in your marriage is forever changed. The trust issue is a huge one for me, and so are the resentments...


----------

