# Need Advice - Biological Kids vs Someone Else's



## geronimosan (Oct 14, 2014)

Hi - In general, I'm hoping to get advice on how to deal with the topic of deciding on the need to have one's own biological children versus being okay with someone else's children for my family.

For context, I'm a 42 yr old man, and for the past 7 months have been dating a 36 yr old single mother of a 10 yr old son and a 2 yr old daughter (she also was an IVF surrogate of twins for another family 4-5 years ago). She had her tubes tied after her last child, but for the first half of our relationship she was on-board with having another child between us, either through IVF or having a tied tube reversal. This of course made me happy as we could get married and have a great family of 5 between us, and one of those children would be from my own bloodline, which completely satisfied me. Great!

Over time, she slowly backed off from having another child, until she reached a point where she says if forced to make a decision right now, then No, not another child, and even down the road probably not. She has decided to move forward with a tummy tuck operation (which would mean if we were to have kids it would need to be through IVF), as well as breast augmentation surgery (which means no breast feeding if we were to have a child, which she is very much against). Essentially, she is now 99% sure she doesn't want another child.

We had been talking marriage, family, and future together, but with this latest development, our relationship has been on the rocks, on and off, while we tried to figure out whether there was a way to reconcile the issue. Now, she's told me that I either need to be 100% on-board with not having another child and we can move forward together, or we need to go our separate ways.

So, that throws me into a predicament (not to mention puts all the pressure on me). Before, I just knew I wanted a family, and I didn't need to consider whether I wanted my own biological child because she was willing to do it. Now, I love her and her kids very much, her kids, especially her daughter, and I have bonded well, and I could see us being a great family together. But in terms of me having my own biological child, I'm not sure what I want. I've always thought it necessary to carry on my bloodline and my family name, but I also know these two kids are in major need of a father/father figure in their lives, and I would feel guilty not being there to help provide it to them.

Because I'm 42 it's not like I have all the time in the world to leave my girlfriend and search for someone new. I'd hate to leave a great thing in search for something better, some holy grail, only to not find anything better, or worse yet, never have any kids or family as a result.

I know this is a personal choice, but I honestly cannot decide right now what it is I should do. Do I make a family with the woman and her two kids that I love, or should I break it off and search for someone else to start a family with kids of my own, running the risk of not finding someone else?

Any thoughts or advice that any of you might have to offer would be hugely appreciated!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You have been dating for 7 months? Wow a lot sure has happened in that short time frame. You are in love, attached to her kids and talking about marriage.

Warning, warning, big red flags here. 

And anyway you will never be her children's father, you will be the step dad, a support person, bonus adult which is just fine but you will not be their parent.


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## geronimosan (Oct 14, 2014)

Hi Holland - Thanks for the reply. Can you tell me why you think that equates to many red flags?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You have plenty of time to find someone else.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want the same t thinks in life that you want? And why is she have surgery? So she can look good for the next guy?

Move on.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

If you want a child but give this up to be with her then it's a high probability you will come to resent her later on. It could end badly.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

In all reality, 7 months is not a long time at all. As a matter of fact, it seems like the relationship has been moving extremely fast. Now that you have now found out that she is dead set on no more kids, it is up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. It sounds like you would really like to have a child....so it is looking like this woman is not _the one _for you.

As far breast augmentation & not being able to breast feed....that's just an excuse & it is not entirely true. One of my friends was able to breast feed successfully after having one. The tummy tuck, is just another excuse.....she could hold that off until after the baby. It sounds like she told you what YOU wanted to hear in the beginning, now she is showing you her true colors.

In all honesty, she might be a great woman but it doesn't mean she is the _right_ woman for you. Wanting kids or not is a big deal in a relationship. If you don't want to live with regrets or resentment because you didn't have kids, then it may be time to move on.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your girlfriiend is right to protect the well being of her existing children in this way. Natural and step children mixed together is bad for step children as you are biologically driven to favor your own children.

So no new children popping out of Mom is best for the two children who have asked for none of this drama.

Another lesson learned is that these children also did not ask for their mother to get close to a man, and a man to become a father figure to them, only to disappear. You have to be careful on this in the future.

I would say, doing the "right" thing is to accept her with condition of no more natural children or break up with her. A child ideally is welcomed strongly by both parents.

No one can make this decision for you, but hopefully you now see some of the pitfalls.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You only have 7 months invested, so if you think there's any chance you may want your own biological children, the time to break up, move on, and look for someone else is NOW. You aren't getting any younger, and probably have limited time and opportunity to meet someone who is both young enough and still interested in having a(nother) child.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've got three kids. Two are my biological productions and one was three when I met and soon married his mother. They are all adults, now. If you love a kid, that kid is your's. You want a family and she's got two younguns. Looks like the makings of a family to me. If you want more, the world is chock full of parentless kids who need adopted or foster parents. When my son says, "dad" I know exactly who he's talking about. He's 35, now. Got my name, got my mannerisms and values, folks say he even looks like me. He just doesn't have my DNA. His natural father never did anything for him, never came around, and eventually killed himself when my son was about 14. If I had to choose between a biological dad and a loving one, I'd be taking the loving one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm stepmum to my husbands 10 year old daughter. Our daughter. I disagree that a step parent isn't a parent. I love her as my own, and do everything for her and with her that her bio mum does (with her blessing). 

Would I like my own biological child? Yes of course, but not at any cost. If my husband and I aren't blessed with our own child, we will still be happy, the three of us.

Of all the things my husband has brought to my life, my daughter is the best part. Yes, I call her my daughter - I've earnt the right to do that


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

geronimosan said:


> . . . .
> Because I'm 42 it's not like I have all the time in the world to leave my girlfriend and search for someone new. I'd hate to leave a great thing in search for something better, some holy grail, only to not find anything better, or worse yet, never have any kids or family as a result.
> . . . .
> Any thoughts or advice that any of you might have to offer would be hugely appreciated!


Nonsense, as a man you’ve got plenty of time biologically. And life expectancy, at 42, I believe you’ve got another 44 years to look forward to. Mind you, and speaking as an older Dad myself, starting out in your mid-forties is wholly different than your twenties but it is not without its joys and pleasures too. 

My only regret, and shame on your girlfriend for letting this happen, is letting the relationship get to the point where you have become ingrained into the children’s lives and then to have made such a categorical call (on her part). 

Now with all due respect, I appreciate the time, work and commitment (particularly for most women in traditional relationships) it is to bring another Little Unit into the world BUT of all parties to this relationship, she should have been the most aware and protective of the emotional vulnerability of the children (and to a lesser extent adults) involved.

It’s going to be a deep and tough call on your part. But from where I stand, and based upon your read, I have to question the judgment and character of the girlfriend here. I think she played this one a little fast and recklessly.

Hang tough my Brother – we’re pulling for ya’

Spin


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I completely disagree you can't love other children as much as ones that have your DNA. My sister is the birth child of both of my parents and I am adopted. There is zero difference in the degree of love from them.

So - what is at the base of this desire? An urge to preserve the bloodline as you mention? Wanting to see bits of you in another? You just assume you can't love another like you would your own? If you could set aside genetics, would you both be open to adoption? You would certainly have the experience of raising a child from infancy as your very own. Is the father currently very involved? Don't marry her because you think the kids need a good man around the house - the primary relationship regardless of step children, birth children or adopted children would still be the marriage.

To me the biggest red flag is that you two have been dating 7 months and you already know her children well enough that they have developed some sort of attachment to you. Bad choice on the mother's part. Introducing children too soon is an all-too-common error for this very reason. I never have because I do not want my daughter thinking relationships and people are disposable once they don't serve their purpose any more.

Less than a year is too soon to know whether or not you want to marry her. And sometimes life gets in the way. There are plenty of people on earth already if you don't get the chance to personally reproduce.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It all comes down to how much you want a child of your own. 

No one can make that decision for you.


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## geronimosan (Oct 14, 2014)

Thank you all very much for the responses thus far. All of your replies have really been helpful for me to think about this situation in ways that I had not yet considered, mainly due to the insights coming from people who have experienced this, or similar situations, before.

To respond to a few of the comments:

- clipclop2: "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want the same things in life that you want?" When she and I first began dating, I asked her at the forefront whether she was interested in having a child between us, and she said yes. And I fell in love with her. Is 7 months too soon? Maybe. But that's how I feel right now. For all I know it could change down the road, but I have to go with how I feel today. And so when she realized she didn't want to have another child, I couldn't just immediately stop loving her or her kids. Which is why I'm in my current predicament.

- Hicks: "Your girlfriiend is right to protect the well being of her existing children in this way. Natural and step children mixed together is bad for step children as you are biologically driven to favor your own children." Well, her current two children are fathered by two different men. So, having a third child would would result in three kids, all by the same mom but different men. In that light, all three children would be equals. If you mean a danger in that I might love the biological more than the steps, I don't see that as an issue. I would treat all three children the same. The only difference between them would be in knowing that my bloodline was being continued. Whatever that really means.

- unbelievable: "I've got three kids. Two are my biological productions and one was three when I met and soon married his mother." How would you have felt, honestly, had you not had the two children of your own, and you met the woman with the child. Would you still have gone through with the relationship and marriage, and why?

- frusil: "Would I like my own biological child? Yes of course, but not at any cost." Did you have any doubts or concerns at the beginning of your relationship about not being able to have your own biological child?

- EnjoliWoman: "what is at the base of this desire? An urge to preserve the bloodline as you mention? Wanting to see bits of you in another? You just assume you can't love another like you would your own? If you could set aside genetics, would you both be open to adoption?" Those are all really great questions. I'm not entirely sure about the basis of this desire. I mean, I would definitely not look forward to changing messy diapers or a few years of sleepless nights (who does? Though I would still do it). There is a small sense of wanting to preserve the bloodline, if only because I look at my ancestry and it's filled with good-hearted, loving people, and I think the world can't have enough of those types around. There is also a small sense of seeing myself in someone else. Growing up I kept hearing how my dad and I could have been twins, Pete & Repete we were called, and it was kind of a bonding thing between us. I don't think in the long run that I couldn't love another's as I would my own, but it's the feeling of picking up in the middle of their childhood and trying to bond with them and guide them when they've already formed a huge portion of their personality, as opposed to bonding with a child from their birth - I guess there I'm just scared, as someone suggested above, that I won't feel like I'm really a father, but rather just a support person tacked on to an already formed family. And as to adopting a child from birth, it's not that my GF is opposed to another child in the family, it's that she doesn't want to start from scratch in raising another child. She's already said that if we broke up and she were to date again, she'd only date single dads.

Thank you all again very much for your thoughtful replies - they've been very helpful!


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Her children are not that old....so it is not really "starting from scratch". 

If you want a child, move on or insist. She said she was cool and then changed the rules to suit her needs after she hooked you. That sounds a bit deceitful to me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

geronimosan said:


> - frusil: "Would I like my own biological child? Yes of course, but not at any cost." Did you have any doubts or concerns at the beginning of your relationship about not being able to have your own biological child?


Hi OP, my husband (then boyfriend) and I discussed children quite early on in the picture - just to be sure we were both on the same page, which we were. 

We've been trying for a while now and it hasn't happened for us, and given my age - I just turned 42, it's not likely to now  He is doing it more for me than for him, and I know that if I went to him tomorrow and said I can't take it anymore and no longer wish to try I'd have his full support. It is getting harder and harder with each month that goes by. I got very excited a couple of months back when I was 5 days late - I'm as regular as clockwork, and I was shattered when I wasn't pregnant. Not sure how much longer I can keep trying to be honest.

That said, there was never any doubt in my mind that I loved my husband, and I was not willing to give him up for something that may not happen. If he hadn't wanted any more children I would still have continued to date him. If I had been 10 years younger though, I honestly don't know.

If we are blessed with our own child, my bonus daughter will be their big sister - there will be no "step" involved. We are a family now and will be a family then just the same. I love my bonus daughter with all my heart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I can only see another child enhancing that, not taking away from it


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My "stepson" was my first child. Honestly, my two biological kids weren't planned. He's the only one I deliberately made a choice to be a father to. If he were my only child or if I had acquired two or three more kids through other than natural means, I think I'd still love them all. I love my dogs and I wasn't involved in their birth. Love my wife and I'm not her dad. I don't have any titles of nobility or vast estates to pass along to future generations, and I don't expect there is anything particularly special about my DNA that I needed to pass along as a gift to the world.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Seems like you are moving way too fast here. Only 7 months in and your are already talking babies. Meanwhile, she is telling you she doesn't want this, getting breast implants, etc. It is not clear to me that she is preparing for a life together with you the way you seem to be with her. Why are you so tempted to push this forward? Do you not think you can do better? These facts are not favorable to you. 

Also, out of curiousity, what is your income compared to hers?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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