# So Confused, Need Help



## sjbgwa (Aug 30, 2012)

Ok, so, my situation is complicated. It's so confusing to me being inside of it that I've stopped trying to even really understand it. 

My ex husband and I have been divorced for 2 years. I was going through a long term illness when we were divorced so we continued to live together for a year after the divorce. I will just admit right here that we have been unable to end the sexual part of our relationship despite the divorce. We both insist, time and time again that it needs to stop and set boundaries but somehow we always end up back together in that respect.

Our relationship is also not the typical ex relationship. We both decided that we wanted to remain friends when our marriage ended, despite our marriage really being horrible. It was really an 8 year long living hell but I think we both realized that we value each other too much to lose.

So we have been in this sort of in between place. We both live in a city away from family, so we are each other's family. We spend a lot of time together with our kids, sleep at each other's house, cuddle, kiss, etc. 

But the problem is that I want to offically get back together and he does not. We just keep having the same conversation over and over again about getting back together. Sometimes he says that he wishes it could work but the conversation always ends with him saying that he is terrified of our past repeating himself and being single now, he's happy and doesn't want to be with anyone. He says that if he were to be with anyone, it would be me but he has no interest in a relationship period. So I try to pull away and so does he but within a few days we are drawn back together.

This is so incredibly hard for me to sort out in my head. At times I think he's using me. I accuse him of just using me for sex. But it's not that simple. He also wants to hold me and cuddle me. He tells me he loves me. And it honestly hurts because I want him to be mine. I want a commitment. I don't like this in between.

There is a line in a movie that says "I don't have the strength to stay away from you any longer" and that really is how I feel about him. And it seems to be how he feels about me.

So I don't know what to do. Part of me says to avoid contact as much as possible (we have small children that we co parents so we cannot completely end contact) and another part of me just refuses to give up and wants to be with him.

Advice please. Please help me sort out this mess. I don't know if I should (or how to) walk away from him or if I should keep fighting for us.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Hmmm....tough one only because of the kids. Sounds like you both are somewhat committed to not being committed to each other, but continue to treat each other with the benefits of committment.

Not to sound harsh and maybe its just me, but you two sound like your both just playing a game with the roles in a committed relationship. But if it works...

If you want to give it away without boundries, like friends with benefits, than that is what it is, but if this is not what you want, than stop with that part of the relationship.


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## sjbgwa (Aug 30, 2012)

And see, that's the problem and why I've kept this entire thing to myself because people don't understand. It's not a giving it away for free scenario. We both love each other. It's so much more than that and that confuses me so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your problem is that you think you can be "friends" when you can't
You know you can't so simply stop being his friend.

Any communication should be about the kids and only the kids.

Then get out and start dating others.

Quite honestly he's got it made, i envy him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sjbgwa (Aug 30, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Your problem is that you think you can be "friends" when you can't
> You know you can't so simply stop being his friend.
> 
> Any communication should be about the kids and only the kids.
> ...


Very true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> our marriage really being horrible. It was really an 8 year long living hell but I think we both realized that we value each other too much to lose.



You wonder why he is not wanting to take a chance at another 8 years of a living hell? *If it was a living hell then right now you both are doing a LOT better than a "Living hell"*


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