# Confronted my husband and we are now separated



## getawayqueenie (10 mo ago)

I wasn’t sure how to link my old post to the thread, but i made another thread on here about about how I found out my husband cheated but I was quietly moving out before confronting him.

If you haven’t come across it, long story short I found out my husband cheated on me with his male assistant and I was in the process of moving out. This is an update.

I completely finished moving my stuff out. As I figured he asked why stuff was moved around and I told him I was redecorating but other than that he was so busy with “work” he didn’t suspect anything else and most of the stuff was my clothes anyway and I bought all new furniture for my apartment.

I finally did confront and it was worse than i thought. He had actually been seeing his male assistant for a year and not a few months. He told me it didn’t mean anything and that after our daughter was born he had decided to end it. I showed him the video and he said that , that day was the last time he was going to see him. I realize that all the times he was late home even on our 2nd year of marriage anniversary he was spending it with this guy. He was a wreck begging me to stay and all this other **** but I feel that he’s only scared that I am going to out him. I told him that I wasn’t going to out him and I’m not going to do that. My family is aware that he has cheated but not with a man and I plan to keep it that way. Only people that know is me and my best friend. As I mentioned in my other thread im really embarrassed about it all but now im in my apartment with my daughter and im lonely. It doesn’t even feel foreign because I been feeling lonely for years now but now that we’re separating and eventually divorcing I feel even more lonely than before. It cuts a lot deeper and my first few days in the apartment were hell. I never thought I’d be a single mother , going through a divorce at 29. I’ve been in therapy since I gave birth but I haven’t seen my therapist since I moved out. It’s too much right now. It’s one thing to talk about it on here because it’s anonymous but to my therapist is another thing. I can’t really talk much to anyone without crying not even my mom or my sister or my friend. When I was in the process of moving I didn’t cry. When I first found out about the cheating I didn’t cry as much as I have now and it’s because I was hoping to be proven wrong when I finally confronted my husband. I was hoping he would’ve had proof that it was all wrong and a misunderstanding or something and I’d be reassured but nope I officially have been in a one sided marriage and relationship for six years. It’s hurts all too much I keep trying to give myself a reason to go back and make my marriage work, looking at the video to see if the guy force kissed my husband, looking for anything to go back but I keep going back to how he was to me and I get upset and stay where I’m at. It’s very hard. Leaving was easy but coping is so hard especially with a baby. Had he cheated with a woman I probably would’ve stayed and tried to work it out. I know that’s dumb but I really loved this man. I don’t know when I’ll update next. I just wanted to get this off my chest.


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## Jane Doe 82 (9 mo ago)

getawayqueenie said:


> I wasn’t sure how to link my old post to the thread, but i made another thread on here about about how I found out my husband cheated but I was quietly moving out before confronting him.
> 
> If you haven’t come across it, long story short I found out my husband cheated on me with his male assistant and I was in the process of moving out. This is an update.
> 
> ...


All I can say is I’m sorry. I’m going through something similar (different infidelity) and we have two kids together. I just don’t have the resources to leave…yet.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.  The good news is, you're not going to be living in a lie anymore. It will take some time to process this, and you'll go through the common stages of grief, because break ups are losses like anything else. Hope that you continue to stay true to yourself, but know that it will be hard...and let yourself cry and feel whatever you need to. It's all part of what it will take for you to get to the other side of this.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

getawayqueenie said:


> I wasn’t sure how to link my old post to the thread, but i made another thread on here about about how I found out my husband cheated but I was quietly moving out before confronting him.
> 
> If you haven’t come across it, long story short I found out my husband cheated on me with his male assistant and I was in the process of moving out. This is an update.
> 
> ...


I’m glad you have a safe place to come discuss this painful situation.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

getawayqueenie said:


> I wasn’t sure how to link my old post to the thread, but i made another thread on here about about how I found out my husband cheated but I was quietly moving out before confronting him.
> 
> If you haven’t come across it, long story short I found out my husband cheated on me with his male assistant and I was in the process of moving out. This is an update.
> 
> ...


You are crying now because you have been focused on getting out and surviving. Now you’re out and safe emotionally, this is when the flood comes. It’s a process, and you have to go through it to get through it.

Maybe you would have stayed if it were a female, maybe not. Work in the reality that you have, not the seemingly less painful one you want to try on for size. It will help you heal faster if you just face the ugliness, and accept the good things about the man you love that are now lost to you. It’s a part of the grieving and like anything, there will be a day when you will wake up and feel whole again. Good luck. ♥


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s best not to promise him anything. You would be helping him cover his lies. It’s always best to just be honest - he should have been honest with you before building a life of lies.

he’s a farce - don’t help him support that.

it’s time to take care of yourself - I hope you will get honest with those that love you and can be supportive.
Hugs


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Sorry you are going through this. It is not dumb that you loved this person. There is nothing wrong with caring about someone who ends up betraying you. That isn't your fault, that is their fault. Even if there were red flags that you ignored, you still shouldn't feel bad or dumb for caring for someone. I am sure you have seen that LOTS of people on this board have been cheated on or betrayed somehow through no fault of their own. 

As others above have said, the key now is to begin moving forward, as you have started to do. This process comes in waves and is not linear. It'll be two steps forward and one step back for a bit and that is okay. Some people take longer than others to move on, but eventually you will come out the other side of this. Try to do things you enjoy, keep using resources like this to vent and talk and get feedback, and it is okay to feel sad, but don't get stuck in that place.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

I agree with “just a guy…”. I commend you on your strength to make a painful situation right. I hope you get checked for sexually transmitted diseases as MSM increase your risks. Definitely try to resume your counseling. It will help you with future relationships. Unfortunately, no one ever really knows why people cheat. Just know, his actions were never your fault. I hope you’re able to co-parent together. Sometimes life is tough, stay positive. You have a beautiful gift, your daughter, and he will always be a part of your lives, as a result, if he chooses to be a Dad. To me, that’s the most challenging part. However, it’s doable. It takes time. Hate what he did, but try not to hate him or be bitter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

getawayqueenie said:


> I wasn’t sure how to link my old post to the thread, but i made another thread on here about about how I found out my husband cheated but I was quietly moving out before confronting him.
> 
> If you haven’t come across it, long story short I found out my husband cheated on me with his male assistant and I was in the process of moving out. This is an update.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to say how much I admire you for being strong and taking steps to make your life better, rather than just keeping up the status quo in order to avoid the pain. It will get better, and there is a man out there for you that will be so overjoyed to finally find you.
There was nothing else you could do here. You did good. I hope you get healed quickly.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

thunderchad said:


> A 3 person couple! Polyamorous.


OK, buckle up! Just what makes you think that was a viable suggestion given her previous posts? I truly want to know. If you just want to throw crap out there and see what sticks, own it.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Night Owl1 said:


> I agree with “just a guy…”. I commend you on your strength to make a painful situation right. I hope you get checked for sexually transmitted diseases as MSM increase your risks. Definitely try to resume your counseling. It will help you with future relationships. Unfortunately, no one ever really knows why people cheat. Just know, his actions were never your fault. I hope you’re able to co-parent together. Sometimes life is tough, stay positive. You have a beautiful gift, your daughter, and he will always be a part of your lives, as a result, if he chooses to be a Dad. To me, that’s the most challenging part. However, it’s doable. It takes time. Hate what he did, but try not to hate him or be bitter.


This last part is good advice and I am speaking from experience here. I've got two daughters with my ex and once I got over the initial hurt of her cheating and the relationship ending, I was very angry about having to still see this person for parenting stuff, having to lose time with my kids (we've got 50/50 custody), the fact she's already engaged to this new guy, etc. Long story short, I had a lot of anger and hated her more than just hating what she did. That ends up nagging at you while they just move on free and clear. It ends up hurting you. I am not saying you have to forgive him for what he did, but if he does remain in your daughter's life and you have to co-parent with him, it is best to not be consumed by anger (or sadness or any other emotion) to make the dealings with him easier. It ends up being for the benefit of your daughter in the long run. In all honesty, I still greatly dislike my ex, but I'm not consumed by it and the kids never see it. But Night Owl is right that the co-parenting can be more challenging than you might think.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your husband cheated on you and he is gay. I don't think you had any other choice to do what you did.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

You have a lot of strength, OP. You were unwillingly made a beard and that's not what you signed up for.
You have your own space now to feel what you feel. You prioritized getting out and taking care of yourself; now, you can let it out. Let it out but don't dwell.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I have been where you are. Finding out my XW was bi when I caught her cheating. You will get through this and be stronger for it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> OK, buckle up! Just what makes you think that was a viable suggestion given her previous posts? I truly want to know. If you just want to throw crap out there and see what sticks, own it.


It was such a valid, helpful response that it earned him a ban.


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