# Marriage problems..



## AnotherCluelessHusband (Feb 11, 2018)

Hi, I’m in a relationship for 12 years.. we dated 7 years and are married for 5 years, we also have been parents recently and have a 10 month baby son.

When we started dating I had passed through a breakup from a previous relationship and at the time I was determined to not make the same mistakes I had done on my previous relationship. I decided I wouldn’t be jealous of any male friends she might have or be as “needy for her love” as not to be too overwhelming to her. I was also her 1st boyfriend and this decision of mine ended up having adverse effects on our relationship as my view of “maturity” ended up fueling her fears and insecurities that our relationship might be with problems or that I didn’t love her anymore.

I must add that at the time I had also been given the opportunity for an IT job for which I had no academic degree and as such I had to be very focused at my work as to prove myself a worthy and professional employee.

So, at the time I had to keep a work that took much of my time and energy, I would work 8 to 10 hours a day and still be available for any helpdesk requests off-hours. All this while trying to maintain a relationship with someone that obviously expected all my utter attention, affection and love. All of which was hard to keep up, as my work exerted huge levels of stress and anxiety on me and I couldn’t always be on a good mood..

She is a very positive and optimist person and I’m the other side of the coin.. I’m negative and pessimist.

So it was a rocky road, with ups and downs.. which at the time I took as normal, I always had this idea that perfect relationships wouldn’t exist.. today I think I was wrong on that assumption and that I should have done more.

In the middle of our dating, between the 5th and 7th year we decided to live together. It’s not the same thing to live together with another person as it is to pass some weekends together.. that is for sure.. but we ended up passing through it. At this time she had started working recently with much merit and hardship from her part.

After living together for almost 2 years and while we were passing through some bumps on our relationship, we decided to marry.

Now I see that the “rocky road”, those “ups and downs”, those “bumps” were nothing more than the person I love asking for my love in return, my affection, my attention. I’m not saying I don’t love her but I know I didn’t show her the love she deserved.

Today, we are parents and it’s being very hard on both of us.. but she is the one sleep deprived and as such I can’t expect her to be always on a good mood,

The problems our relationship had experienced for years came crumbling down, and she completely “checked-out”, she’s tired of my lack of empathy towards her and how I don’t support her when she is at her lowest.

I really love her, and most of the times I end up centering myself on my fear of what her problem/sadness might mean to our relationship instead of simply telling her I’m there and available to listen to her.

I really want to be a better person, and I’ve also wrongly tried to change myself instead of learning new ways of being a better person..

I would like some feedback on how I could manage to become a better partner to my wife. I love her and I don’t want to lose her.

I know she deserves better than what I can offer right now, I just miss the time we used to pass together, the talks we used to have and the intimacy we used to share.

Now I just feel empty and I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Thanks in advance for any feedback!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You need to clean up your side of the street. Become a better partner, father, man... for yourself and them. 

You might have a chance, you might not. It all may be too far gone. 

With that said, would you still be willing?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

To me that sounds like a lot of fighting.

My goal when I got married was to never fight. I never understood the idea that it was expected to have fights. If I love her why would I fight with her?

I had one fight with her in the first 5 years. Then she had an affair and all hell broke loose. After all that settled, which took a couple years, we have not had another fight. So now it has been 36 years without fighting.

I don't get it. I just think there is something wrong inside you when you get mad at the woman you love over trivial things. 

My wife had an affair. She lied to me. I got mad at those things. Since then, I learned to be at peace even if she lies to me. Love can conquer anger if you really want it to.

If she had another affair, I would probably get mad at her.

Take anger management classes. Take yoga. Learn to meditate. Contemplate what really matters in the universe. What really matters is the smile on your wife's lips.

Not the fact she forgot to set the alarm clock.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

What exactly were the “bumps” and the “ups and downs”? More info would be helpful if you want good advice.

Are we talking about constant bickering? Silent treatment? Verbal or emotional abuse by either of you? Knock down drag out arguments?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AnotherCluelessHusband said:


> Hi, I’m in a relationship for 12 years.. we dated 7 years and are married for 5 years, we also have been parents recently and have a 10 month baby son.
> 
> When we started dating I had passed through a breakup from a previous relationship and at the time I was determined to not make the same mistakes I had done on my previous relationship. I decided I wouldn’t be jealous of any male friends she might have or be as “needy for her love” as not to be too overwhelming to her. I was also her 1st boyfriend and this decision of mine ended up having adverse effects on our relationship as my view of “maturity” ended up fueling her fears and insecurities that our relationship might be with problems or that I didn’t love her anymore.
> 
> ...


Have you gotten the ILYBINILWY speech?
Has your sex life with your wife flatlined?

We need more info about what your wife has told you.


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## AnotherCluelessHusband (Feb 11, 2018)

happy as a clam said:


> What exactly were the “bumps” and the “ups and downs”? More info would be helpful if you want good advice.
> 
> Are we talking about constant bickering? Silent treatment? Verbal or emotional abuse by either of you? Knock down drag out arguments?


Thank you for your reply!

Well, we have different "approaches" when we are in an argument.. I want to talk about it and solve it ASAP and she wants to calm down first by sometimes giving me a little silent treatment, so things would get worse quickly as I would insist we talk about it.

I learned we are different here and I've tried since then giving her the space she needs on these situations.

Some arguments could be about small things, others about big things, but mainly about how she feels the lack of emotional attachment from me and I simply didn't knew what I could do.. I loved her and I don't know what to do to show her I'm there for her.


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## AnotherCluelessHusband (Feb 11, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Have you gotten the ILYBINILWY speech?
> Has your sex life with your wife flatlined?
> 
> We need more info about what your wife has told you.


Thank you for you reply!

Yes, I got the ILYBINILWY speech.

And yes, our sex life flatlined.. at the time she was pregnant and then she had our son so I didn't took it as unusual.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

AnotherCluelessHusband said:


> Thank you for your reply!
> 
> <snip>
> 
> Some arguments could be about small things, others about big things, but mainly about how she feels the lack of emotional attachment from me and I simply didn't knew what I could do.. I loved her and I don't know what to do to show her I'm there for her.


This still seems vague. Concrete specific examples work better.

Given she has told you she is no longer in love with you I'm not sure the information would be useful. But it might be.

Can you describe succinctly and with precision one or two small things you two have had blow ups about? What exact thing started the confrontation. How far did it escalate? Did you raise your voice? Did you call her any derisive names? Did she do either?

I knew a man once who said it was just a little thing, and proceeded to tell me his wife refused to bring him coffee so he slapped her, and that was the beginning of the argument.

So what started your argument?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You’re not giving enough info. Are
You like that with her? This could be anything from post partum depression to another man. Has she actually mentioned divorce?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

AnotherCluelessHusband said:


> I know she deserves better than what I can offer right now,


What do you mean by "right now"? Why can't you offer the new best you right now?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

From your narrative, it sounds as though you decided to change something about yourself. Then met this woman who was relatively inexperienced and you changed your self to try to please her. Since she wanted all of your attention and she needed your support etc. Now it sounds as though it is a few years down the road, you have not been able to supply her with whatever she needs and now you are at a loss.

Before you even think about saving your relationship, you need to determine what it is that YOU want. If it turns out that you want to try to save this marriage that is great. If it turns out that you don't that is great as well. But the choice you make must be your own.

If you can't give her what she needs, then you owe it to her and your child to set her free. 

Finally, it seems that much of your relationship has either been fear driven or driven to sooth a fear. Perhaps you need to remove these fears from your relationship by facing them down and defeating them?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AnotherCluelessHusband said:


> Thank you for you reply!
> 
> Yes, I got the ILYBINILWY speech.
> 
> And yes, our sex life flatlined.. at the time she was pregnant and then she had our son so I didn't took it as unusual.


I was married 14 years and my ex and I had 3 kids. During the pregnancy, and not long after the birth (all c-section), the sex life never was any different. Always good. So although I know it can def. change for some people due to pregnancy, it doesn't have to.

If you've received the ILYBINILWY speech, your marriage is in dire straits, as you know.

You need to do the following:
1)Secretly do some detective work to rule out the presence of another person in the marriage. Give your wife ZERO clue that you are worried about this. Honestly, if the sex life was good and went to crap and you get the ILYBINILWY speech, there's a good chance of another man. Doesn't mean there is. 

2) privately get a free appointment with a divorce attorney and KNOW your options.

3) Have a long talk with your wife, when you're both calm and relatively comfortable and not busy. Ask her if she is truly out of love with you AND doesn't really want to work on the marriage. From MY experience, if a woman tells you this, they mean it and I would file for divorce, realizing that it can be stopped at any time.
Find out if she DOES want to work on the marriage, if there's something you can do to help heal it. Ask if SHE is willing to work on it, too. If she is NOT, or if the changes she wants are not something you WANT to change, then file for divorce.

Divorce is the most painful thing I ever went through in my life. I still bear the scars. It nearly broke me. However, it was a necessary evil. I had to do it, although I didn't want to with all my heart. You may very well be in this same situation.

Whatever you do, I urge you not to beg, plead, or cry to your wife. I urge you not to get into hysterical bonding. If you do these things and make her feel any pressure whatsoever to reconcile, she will RUN. SHE WILL FREAKING RUN. Believe it.
You must let her figure out if she wants to work on the marriage and come to you. If she doesn't, there is NOTHING you can do. One spouse can't fix it. Both must want it.

The ILYBINILWY speech is pretty much the death knell of a marriage. You really need to talk to an attorney and get ready for the worst case scenario.

YOur life is not over if you divorce. But change is very hard,and this is quite a helluva change.
I'm really very sorry about this, and that I can't give you more hope. 

I had an ex gf that wouldn't talk and solve a problem, and emotionally abused me by giving me the silent treatment and withdrawing all affection. I broke up with her because of that. I just couldn't get along with her. You may have the same thing going on here. I loved my ex gf with all my heart. But her personality just wouldn't allow her to work out the slightest problem with me. I really feel for you....


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

When you get the ILYBINILWY speech it's time to check your phone bill. DNA the kid too.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

It is so nice to read how much you care and clearly love your wife. I think you've made a big step to your own self-improvement by coming here and simply asking for help. I hope you've gained some insight from the other posters!

I have a few suggestions... the first would be to discover which language of love you both speak. You can do the quiz together, I think it is called "The 5 Languages of Love". If I were your wife, I would want you to listen to me without judging or trying to solve anything. I would want you to show me in your actions that you care and love me. But, your wife might speak a different language of love...so you could find that out with the quiz.

I really think everyone wants to be heard though, really and truly heard, without the other person figuring out what they're going to say next. Maybe you can try to pick a time every day, maybe 30 minutes to an hour, where you decide you'll seek out your wife and ask her about her day, how she's feeling...just out of curiosity. Nothing more. When she says she's upset with you, just listen. Don't try to reason, fix, change...Just listen, as uncomfortable as it may be. You could reach out for her hand or hug her. If she's sad and feeling helpless, don't try to make her feel better. Just be there for her. 

In my personal experience, this is the biggest issue between men and women. Men want to fix everything and women just want you to listen.


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