# Is he just trying to get sex? (New to dating again)



## jessicabrooke (Jul 15, 2016)

I am new to dating again after my marriage ending, and I’ve had a situation with a coworker. Both mid 20s. I know some are going to say don’t date someone from work, but it honestly doesn’t bother me. 

Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too. 

I don’t get much time to go out because of my kids and last night I finally had the night without them, and I asked him if he wanted to talk after work. We didn’t get out until 12 a.m. and we talked in his car. We joked around and discussed different things including relationships and sex for like an hour. I said, “Well, it’s getting late...” as a lingering sentence.

“Are you trying to **** me?” He asked. I was caught off guard a little, I thought he would have tried to kiss me or something. I beat around the bush and we joked around more, then he kissed me, except he went straight to making out which I didn’t expect. After getting into it, he asked if I wanted to have sex. I told him no, not tonight. We made out some more and he asked “I mean, do you wanna go to the back of my car? Suck my ****?” I said no again, I cut him off in the middle of making out to say I have to go. I didn’t want to tease him too much because he obviously wanted more. He said, “Well, you’re something else. This is gonna be interesting.”

Anyway my friends all told me he just wants me for sex because that’s all he was trying to do, I don’t want just sex. Just wondering if that’s the case and how I should handle this going forward. I wouldn’t mind sex in the near future, but not if he’s gonna disappear afterwards..


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Not necessarily an either/or. He might want to have sex and get to know you better. Apart from that though, he sounds like kind of a scumbag.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jessicabrooke said:


> Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too.
> 
> “Are you trying to **** me?” He asked. ... he went straight to making out which I didn’t expect. After getting into it, he asked if I wanted to have sex. ... he asked “I mean, do you wanna go to the back of my car? Suck my ****?”


So you have known this guy a week and consider him a friend. Uh, okay. Then he comes directly to the point and asks if you want sex. You decline his offer. He then asks, in what I consider an equally classless way, if you want to give him fellatio in the back seat.

Assuming this is an authentic post, I'll begin by asking what you find attractive about this man. He is sucking up to you and, YES, he wants sex. No finesse. No class. Uncouth. Crude. I dunno ... sounds like a no-brainer to me. I don't have to be wined and dined, but I need substantially more than a one-week friendship before it gets to this point. And I wouldn't want a man asking me in such a crude manner. Yuck.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Guy sounds like a real charmer.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Now I remember you .... You had the cheating husband and wanted to verify he was having an affair. I believe you were pregnant when your husband was cheating. Okay, I'll be blunt here: You don't seem to be very discerning when it comes to men. You were married to a jerk, and now you are making out with a coworker in a parking lot; one with whom you are "friends" after knowing one another for just one week.

I'd suggest you tell this latest loser to go pound sand. And take some time to figure out why you find these type of scum balls attractive. Seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@jessicabrooke

Yes, your friends are right, this guy just wants sex. Once he has it he will either dump you or keep you on a string as his easy lay at work. And he will tell all the other people at work about how he's using you. 

This is a new job. You are a single mother. You need your job. Generally, when stuff like this goes down at work, it's the woman who is fired to put an end to it.

There is a reason that there is a saying "Don't get laid where you get paid." It's because people lose at least their reputation at work for this kind of nonsense. And at worst they lose their job.

You only know this creep a week. And yes he's a creep.

You have serious problems with the men you pick. Your man picker is broken. You really need to stop dating, stop trying to have relationships with men at work and work on yourself.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

The ladies here are steering you right. 
As a man, I'd add a very similar take. 

You told him you didn't want to have sex and his counter is to go to the back of his car (that's thoughtful!) and suck his ****? 

You can't run from this man fast enough IMO. That is one seriously self-centered, thoughtless creep right there. 

The fact that even have to ask the question you're asking at this point has me in complete agreement with @EleGirl that your man picker is defective. You need to develop far better senses in this area before you even begin dating again. Get yourself and child square and secure first and foremost.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Everyone here is right on.

And just because 'dating someone at work' doesn't bother you, doesn't stop making it a bad idea.

Learn from the wisdom of others.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jessicabrooke said:


> I am new to dating again after my marriage ending, and I’ve had a situation with a coworker. Both mid 20s. I know some are going to say don’t date someone from work, but it honestly doesn’t bother me.
> 
> Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too.
> 
> ...


*I think that your friends are wise beyond measure. 

This dude has more than aptly proved that all he really cares about is getting in to your pants! And for his tastes, the sooner the better!

A word to the wise is sufficient!*


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> @jessicabrooke This is a new job. You are a single mother. You need your job. Generally, when stuff like this goes down at work, it's the woman who is fired to put an end to it.


Can we get a loud and resounding "AMEN!!!" here??? You now have a job. Why, in the name of all that is holy, would you want to louse it up by getting involved with a coworker???

It may not "bother" you to date and/or screw a coworker; hey, it may be A-Okay with you. But you have supervisors and bosses who might not be so cool about such behavior. Workplaces have policies and procedures. I doubt there is anything that says fraternizing among the help is the way they want to run their business.

You are young. Apparently, you are also somewhat naïve about the workings of the world. Step away from a potential hot mess.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Your friends are right. Do not date at work
because you will have to see that person 
everyday regardless of what happens.
If he wanted to really get to know you
I think in the old days we called that 
dinner, lunch, movies or something
else besides lets get into the back 
of my car. Maybe I am just old but
if I wanted to really get to know 
you I would date you first.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

jessicabrooke said:


> “Are you trying to **** me?” He asked.... After getting into it, he asked if I wanted to have sex. He asked “I mean, do you wanna go to the back of my car? Suck my ****?”


:rofl:

Oh what an idiot


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## jessicabrooke (Jul 15, 2016)

How long should I stop dating for? I always think I’m getting better at recognizing them but apparently not..



EleGirl said:


> @jessicabrooke
> 
> Yes, your friends are right, this guy just wants sex. Once he has it he will either dump you or keep you on a string as his easy lay at work. And he will tell all the other people at work about how he's using you.
> 
> ...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jessicabrooke said:


> How long should I stop dating for? I always think I’m getting better at recognizing them but apparently not..


Okay, I'm going to be as kind as possible. But I think you need to step back and take a look at YOUR reality. You are in your mid-20's. You have kids. You were married to a cheating jerk. At this point, you don't recognize a crude, disgusting loser when he's doing everything short of whipping out his pee-pee when propositioning you. 

You don't date people at work. You spend your non-work time with your children. You don't need to start swimming in the dating pool yet. Obviously, you don't know how to differentiate between the losers and winners. How long has your divorce been final - maybe a year at the most?

Take time for you. Do you have health insurance or any medical assistance? This is where you get into counseling to sort out why you are making bad choices.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jessicabrooke said:


> How long should I stop dating for? I always think I’m getting better at recognizing them but apparently not..


How long should you stop dating? At least 2 years. You have been going from one guy to the next since you were 18 years old if I recall correctly. You need time without men in your life to figure things out. Somehow you were not taught what you needed to know growing up. So now you have to take the responsibility to figure this out for yourself and learn. (Don't feel too bad about this, a lot of use were not taught well by our parents in this regard.)

If at all possible, you need to get into some counseling as well because just lack basic good sense about men. And I say this as kindly as I possibly can.
Here is a book that will be a good start for you to learn the things you need to know.......

*Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives* by Laura C. Schlessinger

One thing you might want to do is to create two lists. 

1) What the problems were in your previous relationships and other things with men <- figure out what the red flags are for these things so that when you see a guy do this, you know that you need to end that relationship then and there. Make no excuses for men who behave badly.


For example, this guy you were making out with from work. Look at your OP on this thread. it's full of Red flags... Here are two of them.


a. you work with him, never date a man you work with... NEVER
b. He tried to get sex or a BJ from her in the parking lot the first chance he got you alone... this guy is a user and sleazebag.​

2) A list of must haves in a relationship.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jessicabrooke said:


> I am new to dating again after my marriage ending, and I’ve had a situation with a coworker. Both mid 20s. I know some are going to say don’t date someone from work, but it honestly doesn’t bother me.
> 
> Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too.
> 
> ...




- you started a new job and this coworker likes you, smiles, chats, joking and you notice this. You know he likes you more than a friend.


- You asked him, lets talk after work, then got out around midnight.


- You talked about relationships and even sex. You're setting the stage.


- Then you say, its getting late.....as a lingering sentence. Setting the stage.


- You were hoping for making out, sex and for him to initiate.


- This guy finally clues in, duh, saying do you want to have sex?


- You were caught off guard but wanted him to at least kiss you and make out anyway.....


- You went to making out and sex.


- You then change your mind and say, no sex, maybe another night....


- Then you make out more instead of stopping with this guy and he asks, want to give me a BJ? You got him totally worked up and you know this.


- Again, you say no, maybe another night.....


- You are a c0cktease and that's a really bad thing to do.


- If you wanted more of a relationship and not sex, then you shouldn't of set the stage to get to that point. You know what you were doing.


- You could of drove to a diner or somewhere to eat and just chatted.


- And now all the ladies say this guy is a scumbag and only wants sex?! Not cool.


- You set the stage multiple times for kissing, making out and sex and then changed your mind while kissing, making out, leading to sex.


- Now you're saying you wouldn't mind sex in the future....?!


- This tells me you aren't ready yet for another relationship leading to sex. You just don't know what you want yet and need more time.


- Why torture this guy when you don't know what you want?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jessicabrooke said:


> I am new to dating again after my marriage ending, and I’ve had a situation with a coworker. Both mid 20s. I know some are going to say don’t date someone from work, but it honestly doesn’t bother me.
> 
> Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too.
> 
> ...


Yes he just wants you for sex.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

CuddleBug said:


> - you started a new job and this coworker likes you, smiles, chats, joking and you notice this. You know he likes you more than a friend.
> 
> 
> - You asked him, lets talk after work, then got out around midnight.
> ...


Well as a fellow man, I could not disagree with your assessment more. Kind of appalling actually. Let me guess, she deserved whatever happened to her that night because she was asking for it?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jessicabrooke said:


> “Are you trying to **** me?” He asked.
> 
> We made out some more and he asked “I mean, do you wanna go to the back of my car? Suck my ****?”


^^THIS^^ is what has me questioning the authenticity of this thread. Okay. The OP is young and somewhat naïve. But NOBODY is this naïve. I mean, c'mon, anybody with basic sense realizes this is downright crude. 

Which is why I have to wonder if this is real. 

Maybe it is. But the OP has been married and has children. Sadly, if this is true, then OP has no self esteem whatsoever and needs help.

But there is something about this that sounds voyeuristic to me. Just too over-the-top crude, no matter how unworldly she may be. Sigh ...


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## LL2018! (Apr 17, 2018)

The only thing I can think of is this phrase "Don't sh*t where you eat." Its gross but true. Do not date a co-worker. But you might have to keep it friendly and flirty so it doesn't get awkward. Just make up excuses to see him, eventually its gonna get weird though. 
Maybe you should set a standard, rules for yourself when it comes to dating and then stick with them. I set the standard that I would never sleep with anyone before I got married and succeeded. You don't have to do the same, but be realistic with your situation and needs.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jessicabrooke said:


> I am new to dating again after my marriage ending, and I’ve had a situation with a coworker. Both mid 20s. I know some are going to say don’t date someone from work, but it honestly doesn’t bother me.
> 
> Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too.
> 
> ...


Not only does he gets mad at you for not putting out after an hour of conversation about sex, and you are asking this question. Are you kidding me?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, even as a teenager I would not be tolerant of your co-workers approach or even consider going out with him again. This is as a direct result of being groomed by the older school girls and advice from men who wanted us Catholic girls to protect ourselves.

Hence I am not saying this to make you feel terrible about yourself but just to point out the validity of what everyone is trying to make you realize her, ie something is wrong with the way you evaluate men/your experiences with them. The important thing is to realize it, now you just have to focus on fixing it. Once you learn to make the connection between behaviors/comments and likely outcomes/indicators, you'll be able to pick up on patterns displayed by men who are poor relationship material.

I learn very well from hearing about the experiences of others, so that was sufficient for me. If that's also the case for you, perhaps investing time into TAM and hearing others stories may help you be more analytical. Exploring your childhood can also be extremely insightful. It will point to weaknesses that you're prone to displaying because of the experiences you were exposed to. So getting the right counseling is also a great idea.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I have to agree that a 2 year break from dating is a must. You not only have issues that are attracting you to these loser, you also have small children that need a mom and a healthy emotional/physical/spiritual woman is what you should be working on for them and for you.

When you’re ready to start dating, pick a setting that sets what you are looking for which should be casual getting to know each other, like a restaurant, coffee house and drive yourself there. While I don’t believe that woman are ever to blame for getting violated or accosted by men, we do have ownership in what situations we put ourselves in. Having a date at midnight and in some guys cars might not have been the best idea and you very well may have been putting out the vibe that you were interested in sex. Not saying you were, but given your location he may have thought that. Have a little more self respect for yourself and know your self worth. You are worth a real date in a restaurant, not a hanging out in a car in a parking lot, you’re not a teenager anymore. 

Also going to second the reading of Dr Laura’s book “Top ten things woman do to mess up their live.” It’s a great book and I’m sure it will help you. All the best.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I mean, reading what transpired here, I'm just glad it didn't go any further. Looking at this from a high level and putting it frankly. This is a guy that was told, essentially NO on a few things and kept pushing the envelope. I'm glad he didn't take matters into his own hands but it was heading that route. Which just takes him down a notch from being a person that would sexually assault someone to just a creep, self centered loser. 

I'm glad you are here asking questions but like the others have said here, if you can't see how much of a creep this dude is by what he did, then you need to take a step back and reflect on the type of guys you are attracting or putting yourself in proximity of. Having small children puts a greater emphasis on you taking care of yourself for the benefit of the children needing their mother. I know it might help get past the pain of the ex but not at this expense. You will want to eventually find someone that puts your ex to shame with how thoughtful and caring they are, not someone that will make your ex laugh.


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## jessicabrooke (Jul 15, 2016)

I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not going to post my address and SSN. I am real and EleGirl knows that, I have a 3 1/2 year history on this site under another name. I have posted my picture before. You don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to. Putting me down that much is not cool though and definitely not helpful. So now I’m unbelievably naive with no self esteem and have no basic sense. Thanks, I already know I need to take a break from dating. I freaking get the point.



Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS^^ is what has me questioning the authenticity of this thread. Okay. The OP is young and somewhat naïve. But NOBODY is this naïve. I mean, c'mon, anybody with basic sense realizes this is downright crude.
> 
> Which is why I have to wonder if this is real.
> 
> ...


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## jessicabrooke (Jul 15, 2016)

No.


NobodySpecial said:


> Not only does he gets mad at you for not putting out after an hour of conversation about sex, and you are asking this question. Are you kidding me?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

JB, just looked at your previous posts. You need counseling if you haven't started. I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a necessary way. It will help with you reading between the lines and figuring out how to read people better and understand better what is best for you. I consider myself the strongest mentally person I know but without counseling in my situation, I would be lost and frankly, probably depressed.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If you're wondering about how to back away from this guy, try this. When you're with him, only talk about your kids, how important they are to you, and how you hope you can find a new dad for them. If he talks about trying to get together, tell him you don't have a sitter so you have to go to Chuck-e-Cheese and bring the kids. I have a feeling this will work itself out.

Do you think you might be addicted to the wonderful feelings you get when you start dating someone? They can be very enticing--almost like a drug--and cause people to make poor choices as they hop from relationship to relationship chasing that high.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

A lot of good suggestions above. 

It sounds like you do need to take some time for yourself to see what you really want at this time.

You mentioned that you want more than just sex from this guy.

If that is the case, see if you can make it clear to him.

Instead of sitting in a car talking/kissing go to a coffee shop and talk there.


But to answer your question, yes, the guy just wants sex from you and most likely that is it considering how he treated you in your description of the night.

Good luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jessicabrooke said:


> I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not going to post my address and SSN.


I'm a complete stranger out here in cyberspace. Did I request anything of you? No. As far as "putting you down" goes, if that's your opinion of my observations, fine. 



jessicabrooke said:


> Putting me down that much is not cool though and definitely not helpful. So now I’m unbelievably naive with no self esteem and have no basic sense. ...I freaking get the point.


I questioned the authenticity of your post. I did not definitively say it was bogus, merely questioned it. And why did I question it? Well, to begin with, (1) a woman who would let a man speak to her in such a crude fashion (and a man she barely knows at that) IS naïve, and (2) a woman who would ask if a man only wanted sex after he point-blank asked her and pushed it after she refused, lacks self-esteem and basic sense (your words, not mine).

No, you don't get the point. However, hopefully you will. You needn't get so defensive; just smarter. Seriously.


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## norman (Mar 20, 2018)

This guy wants sex and he sounds like a real arrogant scumbag about it, too. it should have been enough for him when you said, "no" the first time. I would keep away from him.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Jessica, there is nothing wrong with the guy for being direct and asking. There is also nothing wrong with you choosing to say either yes or no, depending on how you feel. I don't think he's a creep, just direct and crude and possibly somewhat inexperienced. In the future try to think about the situation you are setting yourself up for and the expected outcomes, and you can avoid this type of thing from happening or alternatively encourage it, if that is what you want. I'm going to let you know that in this day and age it is fairly common for people to have sex very early in the relationship, especially with all of the online dating apps like tinder making it easy. So, you will likely be in a similar situation in the future and now is a good time to think about what your boundaries are.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bananapeel said:


> Jessica, there is nothing wrong with the guy for being direct and asking.


Well I dunno, when it comes to sex... I think there's EVERYTHING wrong with a guy for being direct and asking.

Where's the fun in "can we have sex?" let alone the hilarity of what he ended up saying lol


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Bananapeel said:
> 
> 
> > Jessica, there is nothing wrong with the guy for being direct and asking.
> ...


You never ask, you suggest. And usually you use a false pretense like 'I have this nice bottle of wine at my place, let's go back to my place and I'll pop the cork...' with a wry smile. Or if your both already smashed you can go the direct route, just dont ask. Dont start with 'can we...' but 'we should' or 'let's do this'.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Meh, I just let it happen. One show of affection leads to the next, from a gaze, to a stroke, to a kiss, to a lower kiss... 

From a tease, to a playful game, to a playful touch, that just leads to the next...

Some things don't have to be mentioned, or asked for, let alone suggested or heaven forbid, demanded.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP you are a newly divorced young mum. You have children who need you to help them navigate this enormous change in their lives. You need to not date anyone for at least a couple of years, and when you do start dating, keep them away from your children until you're almost sure that it's going to be a long term, committed relationship.

If you bring different men around your children regularly, you are exposing them to enormous risk. That's statistical fact. I know you didn't do that this time, but these are things you need to remember when the time comes that you do start dating again.

I would also start looking for a new job...the gossip that is going to go around that place about "the new girl"...ick.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

This guy is a scum bag. For some reason he thought you were easy prey.

Quit talking sex with guys. 

Quit making out in the car with guys your not even dating.

Quit making out in the car with your co workers. 

Quit putting yourself out there.

Concentrate on building friendships. 

Work on home/kid life.

Get counseling for the divorce issues.

Work on your self esteem.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

jessicabrooke said:


> I am new to dating again after my marriage ending, and I’ve had a situation with a coworker. Both mid 20s. I know some are going to say don’t date someone from work, but it honestly doesn’t bother me.
> 
> Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too.
> 
> ...


He's a sleaze ball. Run for the hills.

Just look at what he said. You're on your first "date", and he's already trying to get your clothes off - in the back of his car no less. Then after you already said no, he, nearly a total stranger, keeps on trying?

Thanks, but no thanks.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jessicabrooke said:


> I am new to dating again after my marriage ending, and I’ve had a situation with a coworker. Both mid 20s. I know some are going to say don’t date someone from work, but it honestly doesn’t bother me.
> 
> Anyway we have been friends since I started this new place a week ago, and he always tries to talk to me and ask me questions about myself. He’s always smiling at me and joking around with me too.
> 
> ...


I agree with your friends what a jackass. He is so obvious just after sex. I mean really just wham bam thank you mam. He honestly thought you were going suck him off just by asking. He obviously has no respect for you what so ever.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

jessicabrooke said:


> How long should I stop dating for? I always think I’m getting better at recognizing them but apparently not..


Jessica, the biggest thing I think you need to recognize is that the guy should RESPECT you. If this early on he doesn't, then it certainly won't get any better. Just the way he spoke with you isn't respectful AT ALL -- he just wanted sex and thought you may be an easy target...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

From your original post....
This guy is too crass and lower class in the way he talked to you on that date.
You're better than that. Cut that off quick, imho.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

jessicabrooke said:


> Is he just trying to get sex?


Yes.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

jessicabrooke said:


> “Are you trying to **** me?”
> 
> After getting into it, he asked if I wanted to have sex. I told him no, not tonight.
> 
> We made out some more and he asked “I mean, do you wanna go to the back of my car? Suck my ****?”


🤔 He sounds like a keeper to me. 🤨


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