# Would anybody actually be interested in me?



## sbbs

As those of you who've read my other threads know, I've left my husband. We're getting divorced. (He hasn't accepted that, and we don't have papers yet, but there's no way in Hell I'm ever going back.)

Even if I'm single and celibate for the rest of my life, I know I've made the right decision.

But it would be nice to know that maybe, kind of, sort of, I could possibly date somebody at some point.

So here's who I am:

1) I'm a 37-year-old woman. I look every day of that. In fact, I probably look older. Heaven only knows I feel ancient. I know that women my age do manage to date from time to time, but does anyone actually want to date a woman as old as I am? 

From what I've been told, men who date women over 35 fall into two camps: a) men who are at least in their mid-50s, and b) men who really can't do any better, for whatever reason. In both cases, the women they'd really like to date are in their late teens or early 20s--maybe as old as 30, if the woman is young-looking. 

Two of the men I dated in my 20s told me straight up that women over 30 were hags. One of them told me that the only reason a man would pursue a woman over 30 was because she was probably easier than younger women, since she doesn't get many offers and has to be grateful for whatever attention she can get.

I didn't hear things like that from everyone I dated, but I don't know. Maybe those guys were the only honest ones I've known.

And heaven only knows that, ever since I got engaged, men sort of just don't see me. It's like I don't really exist to them. I've been married for 2 years, so I suppose I ought to be used to it by now, but I'm not. What can I say--I'm a slow learner.

2) I'm 40 pounds overweight. Yes, I know. Men are visual creatures, they don't like flab, it's worth the effort, the health benefits are great, etc. I know, I know, I know. I'm doing my best to cut the poundage. But it's taking a while. It might take me years. I really don't know. 

I've never really had to work at losing weight before. I've always been naturally slim and kind of active. That changed during the misery that was my marriage. In the meantime, do I have to wait until I'm 40 pounds lighter, however long that takes, and however miserable it makes me, before anyone actually has any interest?

I'd be grateful for any insight you could give me. Thanks.


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## MistersWife

Its all about how you see yourself. If you see yourself as old,fat and unattractive then you will come off that way to men. Your still young, 37 isn't old. If you want to lose the weight then do it for you not to get a man. Besides older women are in..so you won't have any problem finding a men but the right man is harder...Start loving the way you look, if you don't love it change it to make you happier for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

As a 43 year old guy... 37 is definately not "too old". I can't imagine being interested in someone under 35, to be honest. Of course, maybe I've only got a few good years in me as well! 

40 pounds overweight? Doesn't need to be a big deal either. Some folks like skinny people, some folks like larger people. Just a matter of finding someone who likes you.

The advice about how you see yourself being a factor is spot on... A woman who's confident and shows it is much more attractive than one who's not. Regardless of age or size.

C


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## 827Aug

Age isn't a factor. The weight factor is a funny thing though. Some men like a fuller figure while others don't. All I've got to say is this. Barring extremes (obese to malnourished), it's about what's on the inside.....and if a potential date is that superficial, you don't need him anyway.

The two attributes you do need are a positive attitude and self-confidence. Those things are what make you shine!


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## sisters359

Get some therapy to work on your self-esteem; it sounds really low and you will end up with another man who doesn't deserve the time of day. 

First, take some time to enjoy being alone and single. It's awesome! If you don't get to the point of loving it, you need more therapy.

Loving yourself that much and loving your time alone will make you very choosy about who you will spend time with. THEN you may find someone YOU want. Quit worrying about who wants you; it is who you want that matters. When you radiate self-confidence you will find someone who loves you for who you are. Might take time but it will be soooooooo worth it. Good luck!


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## Cooper

Sibbs you have received some good advise, all advise I would guess you know to be true but just aren't sure how to implement into your life.

Understand the perspective from which you are looking at things right now. Ending a long term relationship, the divorce, the anger, the upset, the stress is all consuming, maybe one of the lowest points we ever experience. Emotionally you are a wreck, your self esteem has been eaten away by it all. You're just not in a very objective position.

Right now it would be very hard to "sell yourself" because you just don't feel good about yourself. All that's to be expected, many of us have gone through the same thing. I'm a pretty confident guy but as I was going through my divorce I 
questioned everything about myself, looks, attitudes, social skills, I just wasn't sure I was worthy of anything. But with time that passes, life starts looking great again. 

As Sisters359 said learn to love yourself and being single, for once in your life learn to be selfish. Never measure your self worth by how you think others see you, what's the point? Do things out of your comfort zone, maybe go to a restaurant alone, go see a movie, join a club, volunteer somewhere like a senior center or animal shelter. Once you're happy with yourself life becomes a take me as I am attitude, and that's just how it should be. Don't try and change yourself into what you think others want, do for yourself what you want.

But don't rush things, just because your getting divorced doesn't mean you need a new man tomorrow. It takes time to heal, one day you'll find yourself laughing out loud or singing your heart out and you'll be surprised to realize how happy you are, and trust on this, as a man I love a woman with a smile on her face!

Cooper


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## chefmaster

He's out there hon, someone in his 30's-40's who thinks you are beautiful for who you are and wants to treat you like you deserve to be treated. Believe it.

Take it from someone who sees it constantly.


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## mariem1967

Men should be perfect to answer all your questions. Especially men of 40 something. What can you do to attract someone. Just be natural and work on yourself. If you are overweight try to reduce it. If you're wearing old fashioned try to improve it. If you look older as you say, go for some treatments and good make up. Then, at the end i am sure you'll find someone but it's the most important that you find someone who will accept for what you are.


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## Atholk

Actually you have a pretty good handle on the issues sbbs. You really will get a much better dating response if you lose the weight, of that their is no question.

At age 37 you will find a greater dating response from men older than you in terms of men interested in a relationship. Men younger than you and closer to your age will see you more often as a hookup.


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## unbelievable

Sbbs,

Age is a number and beauty is completely in the eye of the beholder. I imagine that most 21 year old guys might consider a 37 year old woman a bit old, but what 37 year old woman wants to raise a kid anyway? I'm 49 and have worked in predominantly male roles my whole life. If there's something the "average" guy thinks about women, I've either thought it myself or I've heard it many times. Confidence is sexy, regardless of the age and regardless of size. Maybe Popeye likes stick-thin women, but the rest of us appreciate a few curves. You've been out of the dating arena for a while and you're naturally apprehensive. The world is full of lonely people and there are an abundance who need exactly whatever qualities you possess. If you don't love and accept yourself, you have little to offer anyone else. Make up your mind that you are a great catch and that you deserve to be loved and respected and then don't settle for less. Your problem is not finding a guy interested in you but choosing one deserving of you. For what it's worth, even when I was in my 20s, I've always found women in their 30s and 40s to be far sexier than younger women and I'd pick a woman with a few extra pounds over Olive Oil any day.


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## sbbs

Thanks to all of you for helping me buck up a bit! 

I feel kind of dopey and ridiculous even having posted this question. I'd bet that just about everyone feels pretty unattractive when they're going through a divorce or separation. And I know that the lack of confidence that divorce brings doesn't exactly draw people to you.

I'm not at all interested in dating right now. At the moment, I can't imagine getting involved with anyone, ever. That may change at some point, but I'm not holding my breath. 

Given my history of romantic failure, I'm not sure I'd be able to pick anyone who would be good for me, even after I feel healed over. If the end of my marriage has taught me anything, it's that my being attracted to a guy is probably a good reason NOT to date him.

It is nice to know, though, that I don't necessarily have to be alone forever.


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## 2galsmom

You will! why wouldn't you, don't worry about it. If you do, you will have a forced relationship with too much pressure on yourself and your willing suitor.


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## Jellybeans

sbbs said:


> *Would anybody actually be interested in me?*
> 
> 
> 1) I'm a 37-year-old woman. I look every day of that. In fact, I probably look older. Heaven only knows I feel ancient. I know that women my age do manage to date from time to time, but *does anyone actually want to date a woman as old as I am*?
> 
> From what I've been told, *men who date women over 35 fall into two camps: a) men who are at least in their mid-50s, and b) men who really can't do any better, for whatever reason.* In both cases, the women they'd really like to date are in their late teens or early 20s--maybe as old as 30, if the woman is young-looking.
> 
> *Two of the men I dated in my 20s told me straight up that women over 30 were hags. One of them told me that the only reason a man would pursue a woman over 30 was because she was probably easier than younger women, since she doesn't get many offers and has to be grateful for whatever attention she can get.*
> 
> I didn't hear things like that from everyone I dated, but I don't know. *Maybe those guys were the only honest ones I've known.*
> 
> I'd be grateful for any insight you could give me. Thanks.


Please find your self-esteem. 

Until you do (and get a divorce), don't date anyone. Your post comes across as very insecure. Maybe take some time out to "date" yourself.


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## COGypsy

I'm guessing that after two years, she's probably found someone...


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## Jellybeans

Doh!!!


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## angelpixie




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## Jellybeans

Haha! I LOOOOVE Samuel L. He's kind of my dream movie guy


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## 2galsmom

He makes me laugh as well, Snakes on a Plane? That movie got made! Incredible!


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## ladylaker

I feel your pain. 
But I feel as if things are worse for people who are older. I'm 51, soon to be 52. I hold about 35 extra lbs, but am evenly proportioned, thank goodness. I have a larger frame and am 5'9. The average female is 5'5. So for most men, I'm looked at as an amazon woman (no offense to anyone). Most tall men, seem to have a fixation to find some petite shapely (thin and athletic) "Barbie". 

I people watch, and have been to several bars, where the men stand idly on the sidelines, rarely ever seeing them approach women to ask for a dance. When a woman approaches the man, who is NOT the perfect size and shape, I watch as the men decline. Then they stand/sit there for another hour. When a man of most any shape/age/size approaches a woman to dance, 85% or higher accept. As I continue to watch the men that decline, you can see them moving to the beat and obviously WANT to dance, but apparently will only be seen with "little petite Miss Perfect" or nothing. I say that for the reason, that I asked several very good looking women to ask the "distant men" to dance AND they accepted. And I was truthful with the women that I was running a behavioral experiment. All the women were game. 
I have observed this over a hundred times in many different occasions and locations and I just don't get it. 

Can someone shed some light on the male species behavior. This seems to also apply to the dating websites, where judgment is passed by viewing a simple photo. 
I wish I knew of more single type events in my area.


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## 2galsmom

Your negative attitude will stop men from interacting with you and not your age or your figure.


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## Freak On a Leash

This is an ancient thread that dates back to when I first separated and moved into my own apartment. That feels like a million years ago. So much has changed..

3 years later I'm 50 and I'm in much better shape physically, emotionally and mentally then when I was 37. I'm having the time of my life and I could care less if a man wants to date me or not. My self worth isn't validated by what someone else thinks about me or how they desirable they find me. It's about how I feel inside and the life that I live.

I don't worry about whether or not some guy wants to date me. THEY should be worrying about whether nor not I want to date THEM. :rofl:

Get up, get out, diet, work out and get a life and you'll feel like a million bucks. Stay home and have a pity party and you might as well be a hundred years old. 

3 years from now when this thread resurfaces I plan to be hiking around the Rocky Mountains or backpacking in Australia. I won't be caring about whether I'm too old for men to date me, that's for sure.


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## arbitrator

*sbbs: Age is only a state of mind! I'm in my 60's and there are some beautiful, intelligent foxes out there, even in their late 50's/early 60's!

I still need a little time to digest what I've been through of late, but when I'm done, I greatly look forward to the interaction!

After all, if there is one thing that God does not want for us, is to be alone and isolated! To do that richly meets the definition of hell!*


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## Freak On a Leash

I'm DEFINITELY not a hag. :smthumbup:

My daughter is a sophomore in college and she wants to go overseas something fierce. We both talk about heading to Down Under. Australia or New Zealand. So who knows? 

I want to start with finishing my tour of the Canadian Maritimes. I've been to every province besides Newfoundland. That's next on my list. Then travel out west and/or go overseas. 

So I have little time worry about men thinking a 50 year old women is "too old". I've skied black diamonds on ski slope and hiked up rocks with 70 year olds. Age is what you make of it, plus a little luck

Being overweight doesn't help. 5 years ago I was 40lbs overweight and a size 16. Now I'm a size 3 and thinner than I was in college. I definitely recommend losing the weight if only to make yourself happier and healthier. :smthumbup: It goes a long way to building up self esteem.


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## Freak On a Leash

Trust me, I'm not too thin. I like to eat too much! I am happy with where I'm at. I'm just glad I didn't gain my usual 10lbs over the summer. It wasn't easy turning down burgers for salads but I'm glad I did it.


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## daisygirl 41

So you've gone from 37 to 50 in 3 years!!
Oh dear!!!
Tee her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink

SSBS, as one of the other posters said, your self-esteem has taken a beating. Don't worry about dating for now -- focus on taking care of yourself and building yourself back up, and the dates will come on their own.

On another thread somewhere, someone posted this link, and I thought you might find it useful:

Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) - Psychotherapy, Research, Training

It has free PDF workbooks that you can print. There's one on overcoming low self-esteem that might be helpful to you.

*hugs*


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