# should depressed, separated husband set the terms



## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

of everything so he feels comfortable or not? therapist and others suggest i cut contact quite a bit because i'm "enabling" him not to suffer more, if that makes sense. does anyone have any advice about this. it's been going on since summer. he calls every day but only sees me occasionally. he is not having an affair and seems to be very confused and depressed but only recently started counseling. he has gotten very controlling (wants to be the one in charge of setting all our contact; wants to know and agree to the content of our conversations at times-- weird stuff) and calls it 'taking care of himself' when he refuses to see me or any of his old friends. not sure what to do. therapist suggests i should barely talk to him until he "bottoms out" or sorts himself out somehow. don't know. i don't feel like pressuring someone to see me who doesn't want to. also i don't feel like having to pick up the phone every day for someone who has deserted me. yet i feel guilty because he may be having a mental health crisis.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

also i would like to know if it is true that if one person works on a relationship, it allows the other person NOT to work on the relationship or really feel the total grief the loss of the total relationship would cause. does anyone have an opinion about this? i don't see how a relationship would get fixed if one person is depressed and isolating and ignoring it, but i'm open to the idea that even if someone is depressed the other person is "enabling" them to not take responsibility for themselves or their relationship by worrying about it and helping too much. just not sure. he points out tiny things he is doing to help the relationship but also says he must "work on himself" more. i might need to cut contact to get off this roller coaster and hope for the best. any ideas?


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

last question: what is a reasonable time to wait for someone to get less depressed or "find himself" if that's what is going on? has anyone on this board been separated and ultimately reconciled? if so, how long did it take? he claims he still cares for me, but he seems to be holding on to some grudges and playing them over and over in his head. also he says he is overwhelmed with sadness. this could be from our separation, or it could be depression because he has a history of it or both. no way to know.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

All the things you said points to him having someone else in his life. As painful as that sounds and as painful as it would be to accept, I really think thats the issue. Everyone likes to be chased and longed for and will say whatever and act however to keep it going. If he is controlling all meet ups and even controlling conversations, its because he is hiding something or someone and knows you will allow him to control everything. And number one clue is: Depressed or not depressed- he would be with you if he wanted to be with you. You deserve someone that wants you and makes you feel wanted. He definitely doesnt deserve you and all the time you spend waiting on him to change his mind. Find ways and things that make YOU happy, cause Im sure sitting there wondering and waiting are not!!


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Thanks for your input. I'm open to the idea that he's having an affair, but I really don't think he is. For one thing, he has gotten downright unkempt. I think this is due to depresssion. I don't think people having an affair gain weight, let themselves go, and complain of their mental state and seek counseling. Maybe they do. I think he would seem and be happier if he was having an affair. He has anxiety attacks if we discuss any issues etc.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

It is true that he could be with me if he wanted to and he is choosing not to. So why should I help him or put up with this regardless of whether he's depressed or not. So thanks for your opinion. I guess I just need to decide how much longer I can tolerate these scraps and for what reason


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

it seems as though you are definitely looking at everything objectively and with a clear head. I hope this situation becomes easier for you soon!! It really does hurt to be without someone you love. And i, myself, have been one to think emotionally, therefore irrationally. Good luck lj!!


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

believe me, i thought irrationally at first and yelled about it too! now i'm trying to get a clear head. but it is not easy. mostly i just get emotional and try to put off letting it come out of my mouth. very hard. i guess time will tell. like many others on this board, it's just hard to believe this kind of thing happens after over ten years! oh well. thanks for the well wishes.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

hmm i dont no maybe i dont understand the situation here who left who and who is chasing who and i dont no about the one person enabling the other to not work on things idea but i do no one person can work on it alone and eventually get the other to follow suit in time if you are in it for the long run cause in a race of distance it those that are willing to go the distance that win not those that bail out


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

but i dont think i no half the story here or something so i cant really say to much either


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

it's a tough one to explain. it has to do with blaming one person more than another for arguments (me getting blamed more) and also blaming that same person (me) for stress that has led to his depression. my therapist thinks he is not taking responsibility for himself and other issues in his life and that he is choosing to blame me rather than commit to taking better care of himself mentally or going to marriage counseling. i have also read that one person could make a difference. and it is obvious that if everyone gets hopeless or depressed and doesn't try that NOTHING good will result. yet i don't want to be taken for granted or drive myself crazy. i'm trying to get him to follow suit in time by doing a good job of working on myself and our relationship. but i don't think i'll last a million years like some people i hear about. i got confused recently because my therapist said i might make more progress for myself and him by making him get more depressed by not helping him. hard to tell.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like you have a good therapist.

You can't _help_. You can't do the work he needs to do. You can't make him feel one way or another. The sooner you accept that fact, and convey it to him ... will actually be the point where you _do_ start helping.

Cut him loose (figuratively). Attempting to manage the boundaries and dynamic of your relationship and degree of contact accomplishes two things for him - it gives him a scapegoat. He gets to blame you for what isn't working. And second, focusing on managing you and what happens in the marriage enables him to continue avoiding responsibility and the fact that he is solely responsible for making his mess, and cleaning it up. 

So yes, for as long as you feed into the current dynamic, it is very unlikely that things will significantly change - until you become completely fed up. However, if you initiate a stance of no contact, you will be taking the hard, but necessary step of making it clear that he needs to make a choice, without having the luxury of holding you responsible for that choice.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

well i can tell you this i didnt no what i had till she made it painfully clear what i had and that took her to kick me out and put this huge big solid iron wall up and see very little of her then it all hit me like a freaking anvil from the top of a sky scrapper and wow i realized fast what was wrong what i needed to do what needed to change with me for the better and what she had needed out of me the hole time but it took a drastic measure to make me reflect that deep into myself to see it and i dont think you therapist clarified what they meant well i think they meant you may have to make him realize by you not being around that he misses you and then panics enough to hit bottom to reflect hard enough to see what he has or what he wants right now and i really do think from just the little bit i no now that the love is still there and maybe there is more to it but he wouldnt be depressed if he was happy with the way things were so keep that in mind and remember your a good hearted person with a heart as well and sometimes tough love is the best love to give a person , making up after always resparks that fire and then things move forward but you got to find the match first sorta speak


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Deejo,

Thanks for this. It sounds correct. There is some game and scapegoating going on that seems to help him avoid other issues and also "self care" as my therapist calls it. In my heart I guess I know I can't "help" but so far I haven't been able to step back and let the proverbial crap hit the fan. Probably this is my denial that it will get better some other way with less risk to the relationship. I'm going to try to do it this week. The risk and pain to the relationship is already there anyway.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

beninneed,

you are also right because he expressed to me that when he saw me, despite the fact that we are separated, he does not worry that it is the last time he will see me. ever. yet i do suffer from this worry every time i see him. so apparently i have made him quite comfortable in his separation. it might be turning into i can have my depression cake and eat it too situation. i would much rather push this mess along to some type of resolution or realization one way or the other. thanks.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

no problem but trust in this he is depressed for a reason and im betting its cause there is a gap between you two and he isnt sure what he really wants so im betting you give him time without you where he thinks he lost you he will start and mind you it might not be the first week but will start seeking you and chasing after you and that is where i think you need him to go , and honestly everyone is different on time it might only take him a couple days or it might take a month or two or more who knows but im sure this is what he will need to wake up out of it on a truely solid level that you need out of him
also he wouldnt be going to see you if it was something he truely didnt want so there is that he can say one thing to mind game to control things but his actions speak louder then words and that is true in almost everything a human does in life


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

lj2000 said:


> Deejo,
> 
> The risk and pain to the relationship is already there anyway.


Bingo.

Acknowledging that simple fact will help you move forward, with, or without him.


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