# Lost.



## 11234jrm (Nov 19, 2010)

Don't know where to start. 

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We went to high school together but never dated at the time. I actually thought she was a flaming [email protected]#$%. After college we started to date. How it happened I truly don't know. While we were dating I tried twice to end our relationship. Some how we wound up back together. 

Early in our marriage intimacy was lost. There were times I was afraid to touch her out of fear that I would be told "I'm tired". I also noticed that at night I was the one to say "goodnight I love you". I decided to try an experiment. I stopped saying " goodnight I love you" until she said it herself. To this day I have never said it again. Childish I know. 

In walks another woman. She herself was and still is in a difficult marriage. Without elaborating its quite obvious what happened. 

The twisted part of this whole story is that my wife knows about it and has never said a word. I am in a loveless marriage with three fantastic children I could never hurt. I don't have the financial means for a divorce. Sure I could get divorced but not without serious repercussions to our children.

I don't know where to go from here.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

11234jrm said:


> Don't know where to start.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We went to high school together but never dated at the time. I actually thought she was a flaming [email protected]#$%. After college we started to date. How it happened I truly don't know. While we were dating I tried twice to end our relationship. Some how we wound up back together.
> 
> ...


congrats
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

11234jrm said:


> I think about my actions daily. I am not proud nor am I sorry. If I were to die tomorrow I will at least have known what love is.
> 
> I don't know where to go from here. There is so much more to tell.



If you're coming here for support for being remorseless for cheating on your wife and children, you came to the wrong place.

I suggest you purchase a notebook or open a Word document and write your story out. Then hand it to your wife and then let her decide on what to do next.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How do you know your wife knows about it?


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Wow. 

Glad you've known what love is.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Before judgement I suggest one spends a few weeks/months/years in a marriage with an emotional zombie as described, then pass judgement. Especially when finances and the like are involved. 

Maybe the following song lyrics can help you understand what I'm talking about... 

Beside a dried up fountain
Lie five dusty tomes
With faded pasted pictures
Of love's reverie.
Across each cover is written,
"Herein are Photos of Ghosts"
Of ghosts, of ghosts,
Of the days we ran and the days we sang.

(Premiata Forneria Marconi, "Photos of Ghosts")

It's easy to start collecting nice sharp stones to throw at the offending spouse if you come home every day and you don't find a zombie at the door. 

The alternative is to plan your marriage and life with the distinct possibility that every day will be your marriage's end, and plan accordingly. That is, don't buy a house, don't have kids, and track everything like you're dealing with a roommate. In which case you become just as much a zombie as your partner.

Bottom line, it's not as simple as you think.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

If you broke up with her twice in college and she was as bad as you described why did you get back together and then marry her?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

101Abn said:


> If you broke up with her twice in college and she was as bad as you described why did you get back together and then marry her?


I agree

This seems like self inflicted pain. Why in the world would you marry someone that clearly was not cut out to be a great wife.

I think OP needs to face his fears.
a) stop cheating
b) ask your wife if she loves you
c) divorce

It seems like you are both in it for children at this point. Not a bad thing, but not a great thing either.

You have to figure out what you want in life and go with it. Don't worry about children, they will adjust/survive.

You need to worry about the effects that this unhealthy marriage currently has on your children. Remember, they are learning from you as we speak.......that can't be healthy either.


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## Aeternus (Mar 11, 2014)

I have never cheated on my wife.

My wife is beautiful. She gave birth to my son. After so doing, she became distant. We drifted apart, and had a relationship much like you described (I like what another poster said "zombie", that about sums it up) I met new women at work. I thought about them, Thought about what it would be like to be with them instead. Even went onto personal sites and imagined what life would be like without my wife.

But I never cheated. I never would.

Something strange happened next. I started seeing my wife again. I saw past the zombie, to the beautiful woman who has taken care of me when I was sick, loved me when I didn't deserve it, and stayed with me when it would have been easier to leave

Then I fell in love. I cheated on my zombie wife with a beautiful, fun, happy person I didn't even know existed. The mask was taken off and my life was full of color and excitement again. Our relationship was new again. 

It's so easy to lay blame on her, she isn't good enough because X and X. I'm justified because X and X. Its not her fault. It's not your fault. It's both of you, and It only takes one person to make it better. You have checked out. You found someone new, and you broke the most important vow you made to your wife. Then you blamed her for it. 

Work on one relationship at a time. Which one is up to you, but you have alot to make up for should you pick your wife.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Cheating is EXACTLY that - CHEATING.

There were (maybe still ARE) ways to work on your relationship. The part that sort of makes me think that you TWO didn't work on it much was the "experiment" of not saying goodnight I love you.

Marriages really should be important to BOTH parties.

Perhaps working on it BEFORE the cheating was the best way, but it's a little too late for that now. Now you're talking reconstruction. BIG difference.

I believe you should just sit with her and "spill your guts" and be honest (really honest) about everything that led to this.

It may be that it's too late, but it will get things going - either way.

BTW - not being able to afford a divorce is (IN MY OPINION ONLY) just an excuse to do nothing....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Some zombies can't be de-zombied regardless of effort. Take that into consideration before shopping for stones.


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## Aeternus (Mar 11, 2014)

john117 said:


> Some zombies can't be de-zombied regardless of effort. Take that into consideration before shopping for stones.


Agree, and I recognize every situation is different. This is just my personal experience.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

john117 said:


> Some zombies can't be de-zombied regardless of effort. Take that into consideration before shopping for stones.


Regardless, that is no reason to justify selfish actions. She is not willing to change and he knows that, then he has the choice to walk away without breaking his marriage vows. Period.

His inability to act, whether to save his marriage or break away from it, is on him.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mrs Chai said:


> Regardless, that is no reason to justify selfish actions. She is not willing to change and he knows that, then he has the choice to walk away without breaking his marriage vows. Period.
> 
> 
> 
> His inability to act, whether to save his marriage or break away from it, is on him.



It is - I do not dispute this. But there is no good way to resolve the issue especially financially. 

I have spent the first 25 years of my marriage relatively happy and content, and the last five with my wife in zombie mode. I have not cheated but I don't think I would feel bad at all if I ever did. 

I do not consider morals into the picture at all. Self preservation and keeping the kids housed and fed transcends morals. It's easy to throw stones at the "cheater" without understanding what he's going through. 

In contrast, two neighbors cheated on their wives and both blew up their marriage - but these were well heeled individuals that could afford to. No qualms here for me, it is wrong.

It's like stealing to feed your kids vs stealing to buy meth. Neither is desirable or moral but one is just a wee bit more palatable. Fix the divorce / child support picture some and hold the zombie responsible too and maybe things will change.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OP, you are not, and have never been, a victim in any of this. You are not lost, you know where to go you just refuse. Tell your W you want a divorce and why, stop using money or your kids as an excuse for everyone to suffer in the misery you are causing.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Ask your wife for an open marriage. Give her the option to date as well.

If you can't afford a divorce, it's the fair thing to do. Maybe your wife is already cheating on you. ??

As long as your honest, it's not cheating in MY book. 

My husband cheated on me for eight years of our 20 year marriage. The thing that always bothered me most is he made MY choices for me. 

He was having his cake and eating it too. I was home taking care of the kids and home while he was out screwing his brains out. Eight years, possibly more, I was robbed of and subjected to STD's. 

THAT's what I despise my ex-husband for, robbing me of MY life. 

It's extremely cowardly. 

Grow a pair and talk to your WIFE.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Aeternus said:


> It's so easy to lay blame on her, she isn't good enough because X and X. I'm justified because X and X. Its not her fault. It's not your fault. It's both of you, and It only takes one person to make it better. You have checked out. You found someone new, and you broke the most important vow you made to your wife. Then you blamed her for it.


Bingo. Sometimes you can go for years and not even really know the person you're living with. I bet if the OP actually has a real talk with his wife about what she's really thinking and feeling he might be shocked. I might even wager that he will hear his own story coming from her mouth: "long ago he stopped touching me, stopped saying he loved me, he checked out and that's not at all how I would want it to be but I have stayed in a loveless marriage (also bearing the pain of his infidelity) because I loves the kids and fear divorce would destroy them."

OP made assumptions about what his wife was really thinking and followed a bad path based on what he assumes to be the case without ever trying to confirm it or working to change it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Without insight into the relationship we don't and can't know. But based on what OP indicated it's got all the signs of a zombie marriage.

Hang around long enough in TAM or better yet (better??) have a zombie marriage yourself and you can tell pretty quickly.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> Without insight into the relationship we don't and can't know. But based on what OP indicated it's got all the signs of a zombie marriage.
> 
> *Hang around long enough in TAM or better yet (better??) have a zombie marriage yourself and you can tell pretty quickly.*


:lol:


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Okay, I'll bite. What causes someone to become loveless and zombie-like?

Is it hormones that have dramatically changed or has someone become bi-polar? I've got to say that I don't get it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In my wife's case, a rather unfortunate mix of culture (Central Asia), age, entitlement attitudes, resentment towards me, bad family role models, bad family incident (sister passing away during an affair), work stress, and full blown diagnosed and untreated BPD.

A couple of the above alone are enough to zombify even the most vibrant individual but all of the above... 

One can argue signs were there and marrying someone without meeting her parents and with a huge cultural gap to fill was not very smart (I'm European and we live in the USA) but still, it takes little effort to zombify someone, especially if they're predisposed.

I got a couple years to go before bailing out - employed zombies have their uses  - but long term it's not sustainable.


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