# This is happening



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

I originally posted in "Considering divorce or separation" 

(http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/70581-i-do-not-want.html)

Short synopsis: we've been growing apart since my wife got pregnant, and since our son was born 3 years ago. I didn't quite know what to do about it so I focused on being the best father I could be. Eventually got the ILYBINILWY about a year and a half ago. That was my wake up call, started trying really hard to reconnect, but kept getting discouraged with no positive feedback from her. Eventually discovered she was having an affair, that ended, we tried MC twice, she wasn't into it. We've each been doing IC for about 2.5 months. A few weeks ago she says she decided we're done.

Been in limbo since then, she talks about seeing an attorney but it never happens. Finally this morning she emails me to say she is working on writing up an agreement as to the division of our things and parenting time. If I agree we'll get a dissolution and she'll pay all costs. If not, we'll each need to get a lawyer.

So this is it, I guess. Honestly when I think about things she's done (I know too many intimate details about her affair) I feel so full of bile and hate I never want to see her again. But, also, we've been together 12 years. I would miss her. But thinking about our son breaks my heart. 

Having two parents that don't love each other or even respect each other isn't good for our son to see, obviously. But is divorce a good thing? Splitting his family, dividing him between two homes?

I don't think she's even willing to try MC. How can a person decide to divorce without trying MC?

I feel like such a failure for my son. And I'm worried — about finances, where I'll live, selling our house, all those things.

I don't think there's anything I can do at this point to reverse course. I feel very powerless and hopeless and just lost. My son really feels like all I have, and I'd even be losing him part-time. I'm a broken man.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

I understand all of what your are feeling. It does not make sense. I am sorry.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

So sorry for what you are going through. So many of us on this forum can relate. My heart goes out to you. You are not a failure for your son, and not soley responsible for the deterioration of the marriage. She's the one who cheated on you, and you tried to make it work and give her another chance -- shes' the one who did not want to hold up her end of the relationship.

So now it is time to go into self-protective mode, in terms of assuring the fairest and best possible financial and child custody outcome FOR YOU. You can see what she offers, and if there is room for mediation rather than litigation. But it is all about you and your (and your child's) best interests now. 

Hang in there and keep us posted.

Best Regards, - Kim


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## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Until I have more info on this agreement she's supposedly working up, I don't know what to do or how to act.

I know all about the 180. I've tried to detach. The thing that worked for me was to really focus on her affair. But that might work too well. It fills me with anger and hate towards her and I have no desire to be amicable.

Should I just go completely dark? I want her to understand I haven't put forth my best effort. I haven't been able to. The pain from the affair is too great and she has not been helpful in helping me to deal with that. 

I still believe we should at least try MC and I want her to be open to it and really try. For the sake of our son and for the sake of us not being financially ruined temporarily. I'm not sure if there's any way to get her to think about it in those terms — it feels like she has "decided" and that's it.

As far as going dark, a specific example. I have a job interview lined up next week and am excited (still employed, I've just been looking). Normally I would of course tell her. Should I even bother or should I be working to close off my life from her?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

somearbitraryname said:


> Until I have more info on this agreement she's supposedly working up, I don't know what to do or how to act.
> 
> I know all about the 180. I've tried to detach. The thing that worked for me was to really focus on her affair. But that might work too well. It fills me with anger and hate towards her and I have no desire to be amicable.
> 
> ...


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

My STBXW had an affair with my brother. I forgave her but said something the other week that I think was the final nail in the coffin of our marriage about it that was cold and rude.

She said she can't get past what I said.....that might effect my future relationship with her. Don't do that.

It will never be truly gone from your memory but let the rage go.. the hurt will never be gone but it does fade away.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry to have to ask this but did you DNA test your child?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Gutpunch:
Should I act cheerful this is happening and help move it along swiftly? It would be hard to fake myself into feeling that. 
And "absolutely not" what? Do or do not tell her?

Toffer:
That's a painful question. She did know the OM at the time but I truly, truly do not doubt he isn't mine. 
When it comes down to it though, he's been my son for 3 years and will always be my son. Does it matter?


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## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

A few weeks ago, in a panic, I got a new bank account in my name only. I switched direct deposit not expecting it to hit for two weeks but it will post tomorrow. She doesn't get paid 'til next week. I can take care of some shared bills but she doesn't really have any to spend. I feel pretty bad about that. Should I? I would feel pretty dumb giving her some money.


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## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

I thought I'd give an update on the situation. Nothing's really changed — no better, no worse.

She hasn't presented me with any kind of dissolution agreement like she mentioned 3 weeks ago. I've seen the paperwork in her purse, I guess she printed if off online, but nothing has been filled out. 

We have some major roof work to do on our house. It would need to be done regardless of whether we're staying or leaving. We're starting on that in about 2 weeks. I guess we're waiting around until that's finished before we move forward. I guess. She hasn't specifically said.

I really kind of hate my life right now. I'm trying to take care of myself and enjoy things on my own and have fun with my son but it just sucks. I can really feel myself liking her less and less. Pretty sure thoughts of R are gone...I really don't see it happening. I have a difficult time even picturing being close to her like that ever again. 

So we spend time with our son together, eat meals together, run errands together sometimes, but after our son goes to bed we spend time in separate rooms of the house. We're still sleeping together though (no sex). Whatever.

I'm just sick of living like this. I'm not going to move out, so I guess get the home repairs done, try to sell the house, and go from there. I'm just really tired of living like this and feel so alone and lonely.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

I think one of the hardest parts of this is being together but so alone. My husband is living in the spare bedroom, and once the kids go to bed awkwardness reigns. Sometimes we both stay in the living room for a while, but the attempted small talk reminds me that we aren't friends anymore. This man was my best friend 2 weeks ago and I don't know how to be in a relationship with this man that isn't a marriage.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

You are moving on.

Put all your energy into your son, YOU and your future.

Stretch


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hang in there -- my heart goes out to you! You will get through this and arrive at a happier place.

Cheers,- A12


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## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

She met with an attorney 3 days ago to go through the dissolution process. Her parents gave her the $1500 that the attorney required. That paid for the attorney's time for 3 months. The clock is ticking.

She says Monday night we'll start to go over the division of our things. We've mostly got the shared parenting figured out. She's allowing more than the state guidelines for parenting time. Weekends are assumed to be split but the official guidelines say all I would get during the week is Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 5:30-8:30 PM. That's the guidelines right up to the child being 18. What the hell is that? Anyway, she's fine with me getting two consecutive weeknights.

The attorney said she could leave our house with our child at any point with no negative effects. Also said by leaving the house it would then be my responsibility to fix and sell it. By leaving, she would absolve herself of any responsibility for the house. Both of our names are on the deed so I don't understand that advice at all. That doesn't seem correct to me.

However, she doesn't want to do that. Says she doesn't want to be unfair. So she's staying, we'll do the house work, try and sell it either normally or through a short sale, and move out at the same time each going our separate ways.

So here we go. Fun times ahead. :\ Not excited at all about having to communicate and work with her for the next 15 years.


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## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Wow, has it been over a month? We're still living together, still discussing separating our things. We have the co-parenting more or less figured out. It isn't quite the 50/50 I was hoping for, but it's close, more like 60/40. At this point, I don't think there's a good way to make it 50/50. It can always be modified in the future — he's only 3.

As soon as everything is decided she'll have her lawyer draft the papers, I'll run those by a lawyer, if everything looks good we'll sign and that will be it.

Emotions still go back and forth. Part of me still doesn't want this to happen. I cry pretty much every day. But I think I know it can't go on, we can't reconcile, it's over.

Had a terrible meltdown from my son on Father's day. We had a great morning and afternoon together but when it was time to meet my parents he wanted to stay with his Mom. I guess I shouldn't have made him come with me. I've never seen him so upset and distraught — I felt like a kidnapper.  I'm worried that was a preview of how he's going to be.

There's a good possibility the house won't be ready for market by the time this is over. If that happens I'll be staying in the house until it's sold. She doesn't like this. Says that won't be a good transition for our son if I'm still there and she isn't. I disagree. I'm not sure. I don't know what choice I have.

She'll be living with her parents for a time so he's already comfortable there. A new house when he's with me would take some adjusting. I think he might be better still living part-time in his current home. I really don't know though.

I think I'm ready for this to be over. I'm having a hard time moving on when she's still around, still living with me. We still sleep together. I told her I don't want to, I want her to sleep on the couch. She refuses. After everything, she won't do it. I'm a very light sleeper — the couch wouldn't be good for me. So we're still sleeping together. I don't like living like this.

Sometimes it feels like I'm never going to feel better but I know that can't be true. I just can't imagine the future.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Name,

I hope you get your closure sooner rather than later. I could not have gotten this far if that woman was still living with me so hats off to you.

Keep sharing for my sake please. I am starting the legal work tomorrow and I am not looking forward to the emotions.

Good luck friend, stay strong, I know it sucks,
Stretch


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

She is stalling and you're enabling her.

You should not be sleeping together and you should tell her to get out now. This is pure torture on you. Both of you cannot move on at all in this situation. Put your foot down and stop letting her control everything. You seem to be a doormat for her. Stop letting her take advantage of you.

Her lawyer is not too bright if he believes she can walk away from the house and leave you 100% responsible for it. Call him on that. It's not true. Her name is on it, it's hers and she IS responsible for it.

I still cant' believe you guys sleep in the same bed. If she won't go to the couch, then you go. You really need to move this along and start the healing process. Focus on YOU and your kid. Not her. She has her cake and eats it too. Take it away from her. She'll be shocked if you actually stood up to her.

Sorry to sound harsh but you're to blame too for letting her get away with all this crap.


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