# Don't know what to do.



## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

My husband and I have been drifting for a while now. We see a marital counselor weekly, but I don't feel that it is helping much. My husband likes to go to "trivia night" at the bar every Wednesday. This has been a constant issue with us for months. He doesn't let me go out with my girl friends if I'm invited out. He doesn't physically keep me in, but threatens me with divorce or whatnot because he "cannot be married to someone who acts like a single woman." I have never cheated or been dishonest with him. He and I have had the conversation several times that if I couldn't go out, he couldn't go out...and he agrees every time. Yet, here comes Wednesday's. Everything will be wonderful afterward. We will talk it out and he will tell me he understands and we let it go and move on with life... Then Wednesday comes again... He will do everything he can including lying to me to get out to this "trivia night." I am sick of it. I have no time to myself and I have pretty much been alienated from my friends because some of them are single. He works very hard and is an excellent provider to our family... I work too, but only 33 hours a week. I just don't get it. I want him to be fair to me and either let me do things too or him stop. Is this a dead cause? Should I just let in and let him go and continue to be home? Am I wrong? Help! I will answer any questions.

Thank you!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you let him tell you what to do? Go ahead and go out. Heck, go out on Wednesday night (get a babysitter if you like) and make sure to come back after he's home. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

I believe you are right on that. We have very little of a support system here. It's hard to find a sitter for our kids when they are sick, much less for fun... I think I need to try a little harder at this though...


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> Why do you let him tell you what to do? Go ahead and go out. Heck, go out on Wednesday night (get a babysitter if you like) and make sure to come back after he's home.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PBear, you know better than this. It's not that easy, especially for a woman who is trapped in a semi-abusive marriage, which this may be. A man who threatens divorce when his wife wants to go out is an abusive man. 

Also, 33 hours a week is more than most Europeans work "full time" so don't put yourself down on that. 

The real issue is with you. You've allowed your husband to take control over your life and you've allowed him to do it with bullshizz threats of divorce. Then, you fail to hold him accountable for promises he's made you. Therefore, he knows he can get away with pretty much anything and will continue to do whatever he wants until there are consequences for his actions.

What would happen if you did follow PBear's advice? Would he hit you? Verbally abuse you? Would he do it in front of the children?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

losinghope1983 said:


> I believe you are right on that. We have very little of a support system here. It's hard to find a sitter for our kids when they are sick, much less for fun... I think I need to try a little harder at this though...


Going out and catching up with old friends once in a while is normal and healthy for a relationship. Your husband is acting distrustful, insecure, and macho. 

I agree with Pbear, go out. Don't let him boss you around.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... What does your marriage counselor say about this double standard and him threatening divorce?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

C123 said:


> PBear, you know better than this. It's not that easy, especially for a woman who is trapped in a semi-abusive marriage, which this may be. A man who threatens divorce when his wife wants to go out is an abusive man.
> 
> Also, 33 hours a week is more than most Europeans work "full time" so don't put yourself down on that.
> 
> ...


I don't know exactly what he would do... Last time I did that he stayed mad at me for a few days, basically accused me of doing things I would never do... He has been physical with me in the past, but I called the cops the last time, and it hasn't happened since. That's when counseling started.
I know I'm not holding him accountable but I don't know how to. I don't want to make things worse so I try to forgive and forget. How do I enforce those "consequences?"


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

Omar174 said:


> Going out and catching up with old friends once in a while is normal and healthy for a relationship. Your husband is acting distrustful, insecure, and macho.
> 
> I agree with Pbear, go out. Don't let him boss you around.


I agree. I just don't know how to change it. :scratchhead:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I despise what your husband is doing at the face value you're presenting, but can I ask some deeper questions.

What are you looking to do when you go out with your friends? Are you acting like a single woman? 
If your situation is one where you go out to the movies and dinner and drinks with some friends...that's one thing. If you get all dolled up, go out dancing and collect phone numbers for the fun of it and to remind yourself that you're sexy to strangers...that's a COMPLETELY different scenario.

Have you ever given your husband a reason to distrust you. Have you ever cheated etc.?

PS I'm not trying to put the blame on you or give your husband a pass in any way. I just don't feel like I have enough of an understanding of your situation to properly give any advice. 

PSS REGARDLESS of the situation, you being under lock and key is wrong. You should be able to go out with your friends, even if you've done the worst things in the past, as long as they're marriage safe things.

EDIT: Because I was typing this before seeing about the physical abuse. YOU NEED TO LEAVE OR KICK HIM OUT. It doesn't mean you can't repair your marriage but your husband is BROKEN and he needs to fix himself before you can fix the marriage.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

As I suspected, an abusive marriage. That changes the game. This isn't simply a "go do what you want" type of situation.

You need helping dealing with the abuse.

Here's a question: Do you even want to be married to this abusive man?

If so, there's not much you can do. I can't imagine why a woman would stay with an abusive man, but of course, I've never been abused by a man. I do know from watching my father in law emotionally abuse my mother in law that it never ends. He'll never change.

So, you pick your life. Stay and be abused or leave and make a new life. I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

You are not at fault for his abuse. I repeat: HE is the one responsible for that. Your part ends at "messed up dynamic" (Unless you, too, are abusive.)

What can we do to help you find a way out? It's a leap, yet living with being monitored like a prisoner isn't love. Neither is being hurt physically. If you want help finding a domestic violence center near you, I can do that. Also, don't forget to clear this site off the history when you log off.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Well, for me... it would all depend on how these GNO's would look like.

World of difference between, for example, dinner at the local thai restaurant and going clubbing in a singles bar with, indeed, your single friends.

Not ok with husbands way of doing things like lying, threatening with divorce etc but that was not the question.

For a reason unknown to me he doesn't seem to trust you like he trusts himself going to trivia night (or it could be a case of projection which would constitute a whole different ballgame but let's assume that is not the case).

That or he may be a controlling conservative ahole whose mind has not evolved since the fifties.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Ok, other posters beat me to it.

Quite surprised, in a good way, to see all these liberal, even feminist reactions on this thread. Not always so.

Cfr the other one where the OP'S wife was going to take a trip with girlfriends. Boy o boy. Not so kind on her.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Regardless of her behavior he should NOT be abusing her to cause change. If her behavior is innocent then it's even worse because he is controlling AND abusive.

You have to define the behaviors Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support

THEN you say "it is not ok when you do xyz behavior, I expect you to refrain and if you choose to not refrain, then consequence."

For instance ... calling the cops on his physical assault was brilliant. So... you can insert it like this...

"it is NOT ok when you physically assault me, I expect you to refrain and if you choose to not refrain, the I WILL BE calling the cops." 

So... lets take the threat of divorce...

"It is NOT ok when you threaten divorce to control me, I expect you to refrain and if YOU CHOOSE to not refrain, (insert your choice of consequence here) in my situation I asked him to stay at his mothers until his attitude improved. I have also told him to leave when he used sarcasm. I used to stare me down and sit to close when angry one day I turned to him and said "It is not ok for you to be sitting so close and staring me down, I'm asking you to move away from me. He did and my son got to see his mother stand up for herself by asking for proper behavior!! GREAT LESSON and I was PROUD of myself! That was just last December...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If her GNO's are inappropriate he has every right to set a FIRM accurate boundary, but does not have to be abusive about it.


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

PBear said:


> Btw... What does your marriage counselor say about this double standard and him threatening divorce?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He says that trivia on Wednesday's might be different than a weekend "bar night." I don't like going out during the week. I don't want to go to work all hungover...or even be out late the night before when I have to work the next day. The counselor says that my husband is addressing that he doesn't like my friends...well, the guy he goes out with I don't exactly like either... I don't feel he's a good role model when it comes to his marriage as well... Just my opinion... I can't just make new friends because "he likes none of them."


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

losinghope1983 said:


> I know I'm not holding him accountable but I don't know how to. I don't want to make things worse so I try to forgive and forget. How do I enforce those "consequences?"


Tell him if he continues to go out Wednesdays, you will start going out as well. And after every Wednesday that he goes out, make your own plans and GO OUT.

Eventually, he will see and understand that cause and effect: he goes to trivia night, means you will also go out. If he wants that to stop, then he will have to stop going out too. If he wants to keep going out, then he will have to accept that you are allowed a life outside the house and friends, too.

It's not fair that you are locked in the house while he does as he pleases.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

losinghope1983 said:


> He says that trivia on Wednesday's might be different than a weekend "bar night." I don't like going out during the week. I don't want to go to work all hungover...or even be out late the night before when I have to work the next day. The counselor says that my husband is addressing that he doesn't like my friends...well, the guy he goes out with I don't exactly like either... I don't feel he's a good role model when it comes to his marriage as well... Just my opinion... I can't just make new friends because "he likes none of them."



Sorry... "out in a bar" is "out in a bar" no matter what the activity is... I would get my own counselor.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

norajane said:


> Tell him if he continues to go out Wednesdays, you will start going out as well. And after every Wednesday that he goes out, make your own plans and GO OUT.
> 
> Eventually, he will see and understand that cause and effect: he goes to trivia night, means you will also go out. If he wants that to stop, then he will have to stop going out too. If he wants to keep going out, then he will have to accept that you are allowed a life outside the house and friends, too.
> 
> It's not fair that you are locked in the house while he does as he pleases.


Jesus people. It doesn't work that way in an abusive relationship. There isn't a whole lot of rational thinking.

He goes out because he wants to and there are no consequences. She doesn't go out because he's an abusive husband.

It is helpful to understand the mind of an abused woman. My mother in law would not say she was an abused woman, but she clearly is. Everyone can see it. She can't. My guess is that OP is in the same boat. 

This is an abusive relationship. The regular rules don't apply. She needs support for the abuse, not help convincing her husband that she should be allowed to go out.


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I despise what your husband is doing at the face value you're presenting, but can I ask some deeper questions.
> 
> What are you looking to do when you go out with your friends? Are you acting like a single woman?
> If your situation is one where you go out to the movies and dinner and drinks with some friends...that's one thing. If you get all dolled up, go out dancing and collect phone numbers for the fun of it and to remind yourself that you're sexy to strangers...that's a COMPLETELY different scenario.
> ...


When I DO go out, it's with a group of girl friends. Ratio is like half and half of single and married or committed. I absolutely DO NOT act like a single woman. I do get dressed up just because it makes me feel good and I don't do it often, but I adore my husband and respect the things he does for our home. He works very hard and provides for us... I would never do anything to sacrifice our relationship. I always wear my wedding rings when I go out, and if any guy even comes near me, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is that I'm married, or I'll kind of subtlely flash my rings. I have never given him a reason not to trust me or to make him question me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

C123 said:


> Jesus people. It doesn't work that way in an abusive relationship. There isn't a whole lot of rational thinking.
> 
> He goes out because he wants to and there are no consequences. She doesn't go out because he's an abusive husband.
> 
> ...


Yeah, ok, but meanwhile, she is still stuck in the house with no friends. Maybe if she had some friends, they'd be able to provide her with some support.


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

GNO - Girl's night out?

What is an OP?? I'm so lost!


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

I just need to do what everyone says and go out. And if it results in him divorcing me, that's his problem. I am amazing to him and I know I deserve better than this... I have never done anything to make him not trust me, so this is crap...


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Sorry... "out in a bar" is "out in a bar" no matter what the activity is... I would get my own counselor.


That's exactly my perspective!


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

norajane said:


> Yeah, ok, but meanwhile, she is still stuck in the house with no friends. Maybe if she had some friends, they'd be able to provide her with some support.


I agree with that. He's basically chased off all my friends because whenever they want me to hang out, I always have to say no. Well, I guess I don't have to. I just choose to, because I don't wanna deal with the consequences.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

losinghope1983 said:


> GNO - Girl's night out?
> 
> What is an OP?? I'm so lost!


GNO = Girls Night out.

OP = Original poster, which means YOU, in this thread.

Given that he got physical with you in the past, and he threatens you with divorce if you go out, I have to agree that you are being abused.

I recommend you get out of it, either by leaving, or by getting some counseling and changing the dynamics of your relationship.

The other thing that jumped out at me is how much effort your husband puts into Wednesday night trivia night. It seems excessive. 

How do you know for sure that he's actually going to trivia night? "Well, he tells me that's where he's been" ain't good enough. I think there's a really good chance that he's either not really at trivia night, or that he is there because someone else (a woman) is there.

So here's an idea. Line up a babysitter for Wednesday night, 15 minutes after your husband heads out to "trivia night." Dress appropriately for the trivia night bar, and follow your husband there. I think I'd just go and watch him for awhile and see what is going on.

If he's there at all, I think he'll be way to focused on someone else to notice you, but you will gain some enlightenment no matter what is going on.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Support for the abuse in my book is empowering her to develop zero tolerance for all forms of it which takes education on the different forms and practice in recognition of them which can take a while, in the mean time recognizing his unreasonable request is a HUGE step in the right direction. If it were fair and balanced he would have reasonable boundaries not controlling ones. So you are reading this one spot on OP. And I love it you called the cops on him... A lot of abused women never do. I have been in that camp more than once.. no more. My husband has been told straight up.. ever happens again cops will be called and charges will be filed. So, I for one am proud of you, lay doubt of yourself aside.


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> GNO = Girls Night out.
> 
> OP = Original poster, which means YOU, in this thread.
> 
> ...


That is an interesting concept. I honestly don't think he has it in him to cheat... I know the friend he goes with...and he goes EVERY Wednesday... I guess you never really KNOW anyone... Either way, I think a night out would do me some good...and if I pick up some "knowledge" in the meantime, so be it.
Our counselor is aware of the past abuse issues. I have to say it hasn't happened in years, or since we "grew up." We are only 31 and have been together since we were 19, so maybe mildly adolescent crap or what not... No excuse really, but it took a looooong time for him to grow up... He's still learning the difference between right and wrong.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

He's still learning the difference between right and wrong at 31?

You don't learn the difference between right or wrong. You inherently know the difference between right and wrong. It's called a conscience. 

We don't "learn the difference between right and wrong" unless we were raised by wolves. We CHOOSE to do right or CHOOSE to do wrong.

Stop giving him hall passes to control you. You say you adore him, so I assume you want to stay with him but your children will bear the brunt of the abuse over time and will never know the difference between a real father/husband and an abusive father/husband. They will grow up and enter the real world with a lot of baggage because of your decision to stay with and put up with an abusive husband.

If I seem harsh or unreasonable, it's only because I've seen it first hand. My wife witnessed her father physically abuse her mother for the first 8 years of her life and then witnessed her step father emotionally abuse her mother for the next 35 years of her life. Trust me, the kids suffer as much as the parents.


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

C123 said:


> He's still learning the difference between right and wrong at 31?
> 
> You don't learn the difference between right or wrong. You inherently know the difference between right and wrong. It's called a conscience.
> 
> ...


There is no more abuse. At least physical. When he goes out, I say nothing in front of my children, and we just go on with our day like nothing is wrong. He knows that without counseling I would have left him after the last time. He would never agree to go before. I had bags packed ready to leave. I wasn't tolerating it anymore. Now there's this issue, which is in no way as bad as the previous situations, but it still bothers me. With the "right and wrong" thing, that was purely sarcasm.
I too watched my step father abuse my mother. He also abused my sister and I. So that is no type of situation that would ever happen to my children. He has never touched either of them, and they are both close to 10 years old. And if he ever did, the police would be the least of his problems.


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## losinghope1983 (May 22, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Support for the abuse in my book is empowering her to develop zero tolerance for all forms of it which takes education on the different forms and practice in recognition of them which can take a while, in the mean time recognizing his unreasonable request is a HUGE step in the right direction. If it were fair and balanced he would have reasonable boundaries not controlling ones. So you are reading this one spot on OP. And I love it you called the cops on him... A lot of abused women never do. I have been in that camp more than once.. no more. My husband has been told straight up.. ever happens again cops will be called and charges will be filed. So, I for one am proud of you, lay doubt of yourself aside.


Why thank you.  That certainly makes me feel good. I hate that it had to come to it, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I'm getting to the point to where "enough is enough" is my mentality. I just don't have the strength to battle it anymore, and have purposely been putting space between us to where I didn't incur as much hurt. He didn't sleep in the bedroom with me last night, nor did he last Wednesday night. Good perspective? I got a good, quiet, still night's sleep. LOL


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

My ex-husband used to pull that crap all the time.

Grief whenever I had the opportunity to go out before we had a child and then after when I was afforded the unusual opportunity of time away from care-giving for my Mother and my toddler.

Come to find out that all that grief I was being given was because HE was the one cheating.

Those that shout the loudest about you can't do this or that ...are usually doing the EXACT thing they are telling you they are worried that you would do.

I'm sorry that people have to deal with this kind of crap.

My best wishes to you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

losinghope1983 said:


> Why thank you.  That certainly makes me feel good. I hate that it had to come to it, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I'm getting to the point to where "enough is enough" is my mentality. I just don't have the strength to battle it anymore, and have purposely been putting space between us to where I didn't incur as much hurt. He didn't sleep in the bedroom with me last night, nor did he last Wednesday night. Good perspective? I got a good, quiet, still night's sleep. LOL


Your body is telling you that self protection is the right answer until he can be trusted.


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