# Met a WAW this weekend



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

I mentioned in my thread that this past weekend i was at a spiritual and personal growing retreat. One of the people i met there was a late 40's woman who would be what you call a "WAW", talked to her and exchanged stories.

She told me that she has been married almost 20 years to her H, they have two teenagers and that for the last 10 years there has been no M. they sleep in separate bedrooms and she has stayed mainly for the kids. She said she's tired of it and wants more out of life. At first she told me that she asked her H to go to MC and he refused, he's as stired and wants out as much as her.

There are no OM or OW min the M and she says that there is no love between her and H. There is a lot of resentment on both parts as the situation has gone too far. The are in the middle of a D.

Before going to these fórums i didn't know about WAF or anything like, so it was interesting talking to one, but in this case both her and the H think the D is for the best, tehy have already talked to the kids and even the kids agree it's for the best.

One thing that surprised me is that she told me that now she thinks she never loved her H and that she married him because at the time he clicked all the boxes but she never fell "love" for him, she did say that she believes that he really loved her and that he was hurt from her rejection many years ago, so my guess is he shouted out and pulled away from her and concentrated on work and providing for his family, which then she resented because he didn't spend enough time with his family.

The situation makes me sad because at the end of the retreat family members came to be with their family ho were in the retreat and her H and kids came to support her, such a lovely family, you know, it sadden me, she was very affectionate with her kids but you could tell there was a million years distance between H and W. He wrote a letter for the retreat saying that he will ne there for their kids and that he will not be an absent father like he has been for years anfd that the D is for the best. She tells me, "see he doesn't want to work on the M" and then she complained to me about him-.

I tried reasoning with her saying, "give the M another chance, go to MC, do anything", after you have tried everything if you feel there's nothing there then quit", she said "What for?, i haven't tried everything and i don't feel like it, nobody can force me to do something i don't want to or feel like", i said... "yeah, but you have such a lovely family." it's sad to see that go, she said "but i will still have my kids once he leaves". Makes me think that sometimes for women D is not as hard as for men, as most women get to keep the children, while men get only visitation rights, at least here in our country, seldom do you see 50/50 like in the US.

The she was worried about child support and "keeping the house after the D".

I know that theirs is a M gone wrong and yeah, maybe it is for the best to separate, but it still saddens me.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She doesn't sound like a WAW to me, it sounds like they both have decided they no longer want to be together. It's sad but it's not like one spouse is leaving the other one. Sounds like they might be happier apart. The most important thing is that he is there for the children. To me a WAW is where the husband thinks they have a great marriage and is shocked when the wife wants to end it and he doesn't want to end it.


----------



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She doesn't sound like a WAW to me, it sounds like they both have decided they no longer want to be together. It's sad but it's not like one spouse is leaving the other one. Sounds like they might be happier apart. The most important thing is that he is there for the children. To me a WAW is where the husband thinks they have a great marriage and is shocked when the wife wants to end it and he doesn't want to end it.


Yeah, i guess you are right.:iagree:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, she is not a WAW.

They have essentially been separated for years. 

She asked him to go to MC to fix things and he chose not to.


The divorce is a mutual decision.


----------



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, she is not a WAW.
> 
> They have essentially been separated for years.
> 
> ...


What stood out for me was that she said that not she thinks that she never loved him. is that the truth or rewritting history?, either way, sad.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Regretf said:


> What stood out for me was that she said that not she thinks that she never loved him. is that the truth or rewritting history?, either way, sad.


This part of your telling of the story stands out for me too, she admits that she never felt in love with him (which implies all sorts of things that make relationships unfulfilling) yet puts the blame on her H for not going to MC - like MC is a magic potion which if he took would solve all her problems??

I agree, it's not a WAW situation, it's not even really a unilateral divorce, seems both of them are fine with not being each other's spouse, it's the logistics of raising kids together that is the crux of the problem they face.

It's sad because both of them have zero balances in their love banks.


----------



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Lon said:


> This part of your telling of the story stands out for me too, she admits that she never felt in love with him (which implies all sorts of things that make relationships unfulfilling) yet puts the blame on her H for not going to MC - like MC is a magic potion which if he took would solve all her problems??
> 
> I agree, it's not a WAW situation, it's not even really a unilateral divorce, seems both of them are fine with not being each other's spouse, it's the logistics of raising kids together that is the crux of the problem they face.
> 
> It's sad because both of them have zero balances in their love banks.


Yeah and she mentiones that prior to dating her now H, she had a boyfriend that she really loved or liked but she knew he would not make a good H. And married her current one, but says that she was never in love with him. Why did she marry him?, she said that she believes he was in love with her at the beginning of the M, but she thinks her constant rejections made him grow apart, idk, complicated i guess. But i loookd at theri family and said to myself, "how sad".


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Regretf said:


> What stood out for me was that she said that not she thinks that she never loved him. is that the truth or rewritting history?, either way, sad.


It is probably re-writing history. 

This happens.. it's actually part of what happens when a person's levels of oxytocin and other in-love brain chemicals fall to a very low level. They lose the in-love feeling.

High levels of oxytocin make a person see their relationship and partner through rose colored glasses. They see the good and downplay the bad.

Low levels of oxytocin do exactly the opposite. It makes a person see their partner and the relationship through dark glasses... they see only the negative, feel no love now so don't remember the love they felt before, and every negative thing about their partner is magnified.

Humans are chemical engines.

If the two of them were to work through the "His Needs/Her Needs" ideas and work hard at it or a few months they would be back to madly in love.

It is sad because it's very fixable. It sounds like they are both basically good people. But at this point neither of them have the desire to fix it.


----------



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It is probably re-writing history.
> 
> This happens.. it's actually part of what happens when a person's levels of oxytocin and other in-love brain chemicals fall to a very low level. They lose the in-love feeling.
> 
> ...


Yeah that's what i'm saying. Now i understand after almost 20 years married both of them being "tired" to work it out. But yeah it's sad.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

If you take her at her word then she married the man under false pretense and should not be the least bit surprised at this outcome. I highly doubt when he proposed that she accepted, but stipulated that she really didn’t love him. I highly doubt that when she married him that she told the congregation, no I don’t love him, but he is a better option that the last guy. If she never loved him then why do counselling? He was a good provider, so what did it matter if he interacted with her, she didn’t love him anyway. This is revisionist thinking and simply not true. What it does is takes the onus off of her. Well I never loved him and he withdrew and now it’s over. I don’t know her husband from Adam, so I can’t really speak as to whether the relationship could or should be saved, but this is about her. (JMO)


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The divorce is a mutual decision.


No it's not, it's what you are told you have to do. She know's she'll get the kids but is selfish enough to only worry about getting the house to. What about him: no kids, no house, no money. Tell me he had a choice to do otherwise... he didn't.


----------



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> No it's not, it's what you are told you have to do. She know's she'll get the kids but is selfish enough to only worry about getting the house to. What about him: no kids, no house, no money. Tell me he had a choice to do otherwise... he didn't.


See i don't know either of them, i just talked to this woman a few times during the weekend. At first i thought, well she want's to go to MC, he's the one that doesn't want to, she saying "i can't beg anyone to love me and receive crumbs", but the next day everything she told me made me think that this guy actually loved his wife at one point but for whatever reason she didn't love him back as much, she wanted him to provide, and he did. She says that he spends long hours at work and that he wasn't as close to the kids as he should have been and that therer's just not any love between them. But when i saw the H and the kids there it seemed odd to me, like he got along fine with the kids, he seemed closer to the kids, iDK. I just find weird that after being married for 20 years to someone you just say, "yeah, i don't think i ever loved him", if so, the guy got resentful, she admit it to me that "she rejected him many times" and when i said, "you know, you should try everything before getting a D so at least you'll know you did your best", she said, i don't want to, i know i didn't do my best, but no one can forcé me to do something i don't want to.

M is hard, but sometimes i see people getting D for reasons i can't yet comprehend, but what do i know, i'm not the one married for 20 years.

Yeah she seemed selfish to me, but IDK, i told her D is most times harder on the man for the reasons you said, and "she just looked at me"


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Regretf said:


> See i don't know either of them, i just talked to this woman a few times during the weekend. At first i thought, well she want's to go to MC, he's the one that doesn't want to, she saying "i can't beg anyone to love me and receive crumbs", but the next day everything she told me made me think that this guy actually loved his wife at one point but for whatever reason she didn't love him back as much, she wanted him to provide, and he did. She says that he spends long hours at work and that he wasn't as close to the kids as he should have been and that therer's just not any love between them. But when i saw the H and the kids there it seemed odd to me, like he got along fine with the kids, he seemed closer to the kids, iDK. I just find weird that after being married for 20 years to someone you just say, "yeah, i don't think i ever loved him", if so, the guy got resentful, she admit it to me that "she rejected him many times" and when i said, "you know, you should try everything before getting a D so at least you'll know you did your best", she said, i don't want to, i know i didn't do my best, but no one can forcé me to do something i don't want to.
> 
> M is hard, but sometimes i see people getting D for reasons i can't yet comprehend, but what do i know, i'm not the one married for 20 years.
> 
> Yeah she seemed selfish to me, but IDK, i told her D is most times harder on the man for the reasons you said, and "she just looked at me"


......sounds like my ex.......


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Regretf said:


> What stood out for me was that she said that not she thinks that she never loved him. is that the truth or rewritting history?, either way, sad.


Why is it that one can't give their view on the marriage without it being rewriting? Everyone has their own view of the marriage and looking back one can often see things they didn't see at the time. By this logic every red flag one ever sees looking back is just them rewriting history.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many women marry for reasons other than love. They shouldn't but they do because it seems a good idea at the time. They justify not being in love by telling themselves he's a good person, etc. But at some point down the road it becomes not a good idea. Usually after children are involved.


----------



## WasHappyatOneTime (Nov 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> This part of your telling of the story stands out for me too, she admits that she never felt in love with him (which implies all sorts of things that make relationships unfulfilling) yet puts the blame on her H for not going to MC - like MC is a magic potion which if he took would solve all her problems??
> 
> I agree, it's not a WAW situation, it's not even really a unilateral divorce, seems both of them are fine with not being each other's spouse, it's the logistics of raising kids together that is the crux of the problem they face.
> 
> It's sad because both of them have zero balances in their love banks.


It actually points out some very common - and sad themes.

I think it's rare for a man to marry a woman that he's not attracted to physically. But, I believe the reverse happens quite frequently. And, it's a bad idea.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WasHappyatOneTime said:


> It actually points out some very common - and sad themes.
> 
> I think it's rare for a man to marry a woman that he's not attracted to physically. But, I believe the reverse happens quite frequently. And, it's a bad idea.



I think it's just as common for men to marry women that they are not in love with and/or attracted to physically. They do it because they want a wife who fits the 'wife' mold for them; or because she has money; or her family connections. It happens all the time.

Then these guys have some other woman on the side.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

She does sound selfish. Sounds like a WAW that just took a long time to walk.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WasHappyatOneTime said:


> It actually points out some very common - and sad themes.
> 
> I think it's rare for a man to marry a woman that he's not attracted to physically. But, I believe the reverse happens quite frequently. And, it's a bad idea.


I agree with this and feel it has to do with the way girls are raised. We are not raised to embrace our sexuality but to consider what kind of provider/father he'll be, while men are raised find someone they're attracted to. And many men only consider whether they are attracted to their woman, not whether she's really attracted to them. If a guy snags a woman way above his attractiveness level is he going to hesitate and consider whether she's attracted to him? Probably not. 

Moral of this story: women need to be raised to look for a man they're attracted to, among other good qualities of course, and men need to consider whether a woman is that into them regardless of his much he wants to bang her.

He should probably consider her character too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

