# Don't know what to do.



## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Need some serious advice everyone. I have been married to my wife for 10 yrs,have a 4 and 2 yr old. To give you a little back round, my wife gained alot of weight starting after we got married and got up to 300+ pounds. I stood by her even though It killed me inside to watch this happen. We got married in 2002 and in 2009 she had gastric bypass surgery. Since then she has lost a massive amount of weight. 3 months after surgery she decided to go back to school to be a nurse. I thought things were getting good. I was not ready for what started happening from this point on.

My wife became a different person all together in a very short period of time. I thought her new found motivation and confidence was going to be good for our marriage. Recently on 3/28/11 I woke up from the most vivid dream of her cheating on me. Some strange instinct told me to check her phone. I found a train of sexually charged messages back and forth from another man with pictures included, oh yes just the kind your thinking of. When I approached her about them she immedietly got deffensive and blamed me for for why she did this. She insist she never met with him physically and only responded to a add on craigslist for a erotic phone thing. I later found out she had lied to me about having a headache so she could talk to him on the way back from school. 

We've always had a good sexual relationship and just can't seem to wrap my head around this. She started reading crazy amounts of erotic fantasy books about 6 months ago which I know must have played some role in this. I also find it hard to believe she would respond to a craigslist add given the craigslist killer and other wake jobs out there. Why would she put our kids at risk? So much doesn't make sense. One of the text from him read- " If we go through with this you won't have to masturbate from tomorrow until saturday". Why should I believe this is just phone play? She also swears it was only a two day phone thing. My question is even if that were true what would have happened if I didn't catch her?

I can't stop thinking about what else she is lying about or hasn't told me. I have so many speculations running through my head and can't stop them. She appologized for like two days and now has thrown her hands up and wants to live seperated in our house. Finacially we can't leave our house and I won't leave my kids. I'm living in hell and can't understand why she has no remorse for what she has done to me. Oh ya and the found texts took place 24 hrs after I was in the hospital for a 24hr monitoring for high blood pressure. Certainly has helped the BP. All I can do is chain smoke.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I posted my opinon of how i would handle an affair durring the first week here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/22586-how-handle-affair-week-1-a.html

you are the kind of person I am talking about in the post.



Being completely objective, her wieght loss may have empowered her to act on desires she felt she could not have done before... The thing that drove her to this happened before the surgey IMO.

IF her new empowerment is still in full effect, then it may be hard to get her out of a destructive mode and back to reality. Imagine you are in a bank with no employees, no security and no cameras... the bank vault is wide open with millions in cash sitting there. Your best friend says " I gotta grab some!" How could you get him to not do it? IF his moral compass tell him it is ok, you probably wont be able to get him away from the vault because now his broken compass is super charged by empowerment.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

yo craigy (beloved):

you need to surf this site as your questions/concerns/hurts/etc
are covered over n over again by many folks/posts.

then, perhaps u may have more complex questions or things
to add here that many would love to delve into.

tho'........i will state my quickie impressions.....if any help.

1. what wgt were/are u? history play a part here?
2. employed? finances ok 4 both u & the mrs?
3. u guys were in a rut? life boring/unchallenging/etc?
4. how old/wise are u? didnt u see the gain & loss (wgt)
as a "red flag" based on many peoples histories/stories?

that'll do for now......i guess.........shalom aleichem....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the apocryphal tale of a man or woman who slowly improves themselves to the point of screwing over everyone in their live to embark on something new.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At some point we just get up and stop tolorating there sh*t and take action.
For me it was Feb.'10...I didnt let the kids or the house influence my dicision to make a change. I can't control my wife but I can control what I will put up with. My perspective is that my W screwed up and if she can't take my pain and the way I want to heal, well she can leave. I healed on my own terms and she can help or she can leave. 

Your the one that is healing here and she throws her hands up.. well we all know it BS and she can pound sand in my book.

Point is show some confidence that you can move on with out her. Man I know how hard it is but when they think there man is ready to move on with out them and they no long have the control over you they once had, they start second quesing there attidude.

I know its BS to think they hold the kid over you ...believing they can do what ever and believing you won't do any thing b/c of the kids. Screw that, I love my kids but I will be dammed if she is going to hold that over me and go out and screw around.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

If you are worried about the kids, get custody of them. It isnt that hard these days... Dads have way more rights than they used to. I got full custody of mine and a so did a friend of mine. 

Totally possible.. and if she is in party girl mode, then she may not want to be bothered with them anyways. 

Just sayin...


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

*Re: Don't know what to do. Two time loser*

It may come to that. How much does something like that cost and where do you start? I think it would would go in my favor too. I've been 90% of the financial support for the better part of our marriage. I've always had a solid job and worked since I was 16. She hasn't worked in years. She works 6 hrs a week now and goes to school at night.I'd love to be the one to stay in the house with the kids. She just walked in the door covered in make up. She spent the night out doing god knows what. Does infidelty have any effect in court? Thanks for the words of wisdom two time.

The other thing I'm really strugling with is that I have no support unless I tell my family. I know once I do it will change the whole situation. My family has become hers in a very close way. I feel like I need to tell them though to have them behind me.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

*Re: Don't know what to do. Two time loser*



craigy said:


> Does infidelty have any effect in court? Thanks for the words of wisdom two time.
> 
> The other thing I'm really strugling with is that I have no support unless I tell my family. I know once I do it will change the whole situation. My family has become hers in a very close way. I feel like I need to tell them though to have them behind me.


I was in the same boat after I found out about my DS's affair. At first I was going to Divorce (making a decision right after I found out was not the right course of action.) and looked all those things up. My Wife also never had a good family unit and mine adopted her. Though with the affair I have no idea how its going to play out any more. 

But to your question. I think it depends on the State. I know in MN I would have won our daughters 100%. Between the Affair (unprotected), drinking while they were under her care, and her background, and mental status it would have been a easy in and out for the judge. I looked up similar cases and in my area the Loyal spouse who fought for the kids won way over the the opposite.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

So she just walked in this morning and you did not start packing her bags??

Stop being a doormat. 

Tell her the consequences of stepping out on you like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> So she just walked in this morning and you did not start packing her bags??
> 
> Stop being a doormat.
> 
> ...


Its not that simple man. I'm no door mat believe me. We made a schedule which says that she has sat night and I have friday night.I on the other hand have no intention on staying out all night when its my turn.Plus I cannot physically force her to leave. She wouldn't leave if I asked her to.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sounds like you might as well pack it in. You actually gave her a night out to go meet up and you k ow she took that as a sign to go get strange meat??? Right???

I'm sure you didn't mean for her to be out all night. But she took it as ok he's accepting that I can have strange meat and be out all night!!!!

Sorry man -
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

What have you done to investigate? 

Do you have a keylogger on the PC? Do you have flexispy loaded on her phone? Do you have a voice activated recorder securely under her seat in the car?

Next up - have you read Surviving An Affair? 

Get over to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and get some knowledge. Lots for free here and there. 

Also - You sound like a nice guy - get your hands on No more Mr Nice Guy by Glover. 

Check out the stickies under Mens Clubhouse here on this forum as well. 

Either you're not meeting her needs or she's got really poor boundaries or both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a game plan for this crap so read up and get involved. She will continue to do this sh*t as long as you keep thinking this way. There are tools on how to fight so get the knowledge you need to get control of yourself. 

Its not just about kicking her out but the thought that you are willing to take that step. What I mean is the action alone in packing her things up and setting them out side is making a statement. Even if she takes them back in the house... you have made a statement. 

Same with money, I had to but limits an my wifes ATM b/c she already maxed out her credit cards. That how my 1st red flag happened. I was paying bills a noticed all the clubs on the activity statement.
Yes she was pissed and wanted to leave... but i had to make a statement "I'm not going to pay for your nights out".

I strongly agree with investigating your spouse. Why take a risk of catching STD's or getting disrespected and lied too. So do it find out what she is really up to. Your health.... financialy, emotional, and physical depend on it.

And by no means ask her, she will lie. You need to do this on your own. If there is evidence then you can expose.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Sounds like you might as well pack it in. You actually gave her a night out to go meet up and you k ow she took that as a sign to go get strange meat??? Right???
> 
> I'm sure you didn't mean for her to be out all night. But she took it as ok he's accepting that I can have strange meat and be out all night!!!!
> 
> ...


Dude you are a ****ing moron. What do you mean I gave her the night out. Am I suppose to tie her to the ****in support in the basement with the kids home? She's an adult who is making her own decisions right now to **** me over which is why it is so hard. Honestly man you are dumb as ****. We're seperated living together right now unable to finacially seperates out of the house. If it helps dummy I told her tonight she is getting her own acccount to put her 6 hr a week paycheck in. I'm not funding a dollar on her nights out with friends or whatever she's doing. She now has to use her 300 a month to pay for her infedelity and her two credit card bills. I thought that was a good place to start. Complicated dude,give me a break.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

I think your all mistaking me for some push over sorry ass. I'm looking for advice on how to strategically go about this. Not people like powerbane who is fueled with mindless anger.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats a great step in controlling the money.
You can still make some great strides in fighting this behavior even if your still living together, but seperated. Getting the banking stuff done is a big step and a great sign that you will not tolorate her spending your money this way. 

Other ways to get her attention is take the kids out, do more things with the kids with out her, show her the reality of not having the family intact and the possibilty that she will not have them around. In addition you are more then capeable of taking care of them with out her.

I hope you are keeping a journal with regards to her comings and goings. This is important down the road in establishing her run away behavior from the family thing.

If you are in a no fault state some things won't matter, but it will help you when you expose her behavior to others. That is why you need to find out who she is seeing. He might be married also, and when you expose the affair you can show her family and his family the adultery.

Even if its random dudes you need to establish a pattern of her behavior. With the right information you may not beable to control her actions but you sure as hell can make it as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible to act the way she is acting.

I hope this makes sence, you aren't tieing her up in the basement or forcing her to move out. She will make her own dicisions, what we are proposing is that you make her dicisions as uncomfortable as possible by doing certain things that will bring her out of this fantasy and this fog that makes her believe that she can do what she wants and have no responsabilty to her family.

She will make her own dicision but you can do things that will effect them. Just like the bank account. This is a consequence for her bad behavior. She can stay home and help support the family unit and have access to the account or she can go out allprettied up and not have access to the account.

She can come home at a reasonable time or she can live out of boxes that you packed and she can be a wife or she can sleep on the couch. I have a feeling if you packed her stuff she would leave, she would come back but if just for the night she saw that you no longer tolorate her behavior. It is saying that her behavior is unexceptable especally in front of the kids.

Point is there are things you can do beside chain smoking, Do them and show her that you are prepared to move on with out her it is her dicision and hers alone. As long as you stay calm and stay away from the anger and just distance your self from here you can make some big statements on what you will and will not tolorate.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

the guy said:


> Thats a great step in controlling the money.
> You can still make some great strides in fighting this behavior even if your still living together, but seperated. Getting the banking stuff done is a big step and a great sign that you will not tolorate her spending your money this way.
> 
> Other ways to get her attention is take the kids out, do more things with the kids with out her, show her the reality of not having the family intact and the possibilty that she will not have them around. In addition you are more then capeable of taking care of them with out her.
> ...


Thanks man thats what I needed to hear right now. I took the kids to my folks house today for the whole day and told her she wasn't welcome,we're seperated right! We had a great visit and that bugged the hell out of her. I can see how this will work now. Next time she stays out all night I will pack her stuff up and tell her too leave if she wants all nighters. Our kids are use to a schedule. She will know i'm not tolerating a distruption to their schedule. If she wants to play she will know I'm not having it. She's not going to be a party girl and come home wrecked the whole next day and play good mom in this house while the kids are home. She can't get the best of both worlds here. She wants to live her highschool years again fine not at the expence of me and my kids though. She can do it on her own.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

craigy said:


> Thanks man thats what I needed to hear right now. I took the kids to my folks house today for the whole day and told her she wasn't welcome,we're seperated right! We had a great visit and that bugged the hell out of her. I can see how this will work now. Next time she stays out all night I will pack her stuff up and tell her too leave if she wants all nighters. Our kids are use to a schedule. She will know i'm not tolerating a distruption to their schedule. If she wants to play she will know I'm not having it. She's not going to be a party girl and come home wrecked the whole next day and play good mom in this house while the kids are home. She can't get the best of both worlds here. She wants to live her highschool years again fine not at the expence of me and my kids though. She can do it on her own.


Way to go, craigy. The kids schedule and routine are so important and if my wife started breaking that up, I'd do exactly what you're doing. Now it seems your lady is getting a real reality check. This aint highschool, college or Jersey Shore...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

craigy said:


> We made a schedule which says that she has sat night and I have friday night.I on the other hand have no intention on staying out all night when its my turn.


Have you tried it, staying out all night? I think you should. If she gets upset, just give her the same lines she gives you.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

craigy said:


> Need some serious advice everyone. I have been married to my wife for 10 yrs,have a 4 and 2 yr old. To give you a little back round, my wife gained alot of weight starting after we got married and got up to 300+ pounds. I stood by her even though It killed me inside to watch this happen. We got married in 2002 and in 2009 she had gastric bypass surgery. Since then she has lost a massive amount of weight. 3 months after surgery she decided to go back to school to be a nurse. I thought things were getting good. I was not ready for what started happening from this point on.
> 
> My wife became a different person all together in a very short period of time. I thought her new found motivation and confidence was going to be good for our marriage. Recently on 3/28/11 I woke up from the most vivid dream of her cheating on me. Some strange instinct told me to check her phone. I found a train of sexually charged messages back and forth from another man with pictures included, oh yes just the kind your thinking of. When I approached her about them she immedietly got deffensive and blamed me for for why she did this. She insist she never met with him physically and only responded to a add on craigslist for a erotic phone thing. I later found out she had lied to me about having a headache so she could talk to him on the way back from school.
> 
> ...


*Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhh!

This is Fcked up! Man i gotta stop reading things on this site because im getting angrier by the second seeing how many people actually are going threw the same f*king unnecessary nonsense as myself! W! T! F!


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Stone_Dagger said:


> *Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhh!
> 
> This is Fcked up! Man i gotta stop reading things on this site because im getting angrier by the second seeing how many people actually are going threw the same f*king unnecessary nonsense as myself! W! T! F!


Ya man why is this forum 80% men who are getting hosed.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

craigy said:


> Ya man why is this forum 80% men who are getting hosed.




Because there is only a 2% difference between men who cheat and women who cheat.

Wanna know the messed up part? 

There are FAR more women in the world than men... In percentages men cheat more, but in numbers... women got it by a land slide.

SOURCE: 2008 Mens Health Study.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You new guys will get through this crap, just read up and get informed, its all a script. It will be up to our spouse to either make the wrong or right disicsion. Own your selfs and make no excusses for standing up and saying I diserve respect and a healty marriage with her or some one more diserving.
You guys have work to do so go get informed.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Because there is only a 2% difference between men who cheat and women who cheat.
> 
> Wanna know the messed up part?
> 
> ...


Interesting stuff,your pretty knowledgable in this field,unfortunately by experience I'm sure. Its amazing how clear headed I am excatly a week later. The first few days are just as you described D DAY. You can't make any logical desicions during the first two days. Its all about survival and breathing exercises. Get this, on top of the hospital stay for blood pressure before finding out about my wife, now I have stressed induced SHINGLES,HAHAH LIFE IS GOOD! Surprizingly I am feeling ok right now.

I'm actually able to find the humor in how bad her lying capabilities are. I've caught her many since last satudays discovery. Tonight I caught her in another. She left the house and said she had a 6:00 appointment with her therapist....obviously that hasn't helped.... anyway her therapist is right down the street. I hopped in my car and drove down, hey whattya know her car wasn't there at 6:15 ha. 

I had enough and called her mother who to no surprize knew nothing of the text messages. My wife only told her she had talked to another guy a few times real g rated, ya ok. Anyways I explained to her everthing I have witnessed since last week. Even though I am done with the marriage for the time being, this is the prelude to her showing up dead somewhere.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

*Free Keylogger??*

Hey is there actually such thing as a free online keylogger? If so does anyone recommend one? The stuff I was looking at seemed kind of shady.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Craigy,

Yes, we've all had similar experiences. The sad part is that the more you read, the more these relationships play out like a text book. 

Your doing the 180. That's good. You want to keep doing that. But...don't get mad, upset, or snappy. Treat her like there is nothing more indifferent in the world than her having an affair. What you are showing her when u are indifferent is that you are strong, won't put up with her crap, and you don't really need her for your happiness. In fact, start thinking like the relationship is over, because in a sense it is, until she comes to her senses.

Keep doing what you are doing. Be indifferent. Focus on you. Focus on your kids. Get stronger. You NEVER bring up the relationship talk. Ever! Let her come to you. And when she does, you say...I am willing to talk ONLY if you are committed to working on this marriage. If she starts crying, stay strong. Tell her those words. The moment you cave at the first set of tears, you are telling her you need her and you are showing weakness. Don't show weakness. You need to project strength. Plus, if you wait for her to come to you, then you can talk about the relationship, but only if sh is willing to commit. If not, or you get excuses about how it's your fault, then you end the conversation, telling her you will only continue to talk to her when she is ready to commit. This may take a few attempts before she stops blaming and stArts taking responsibility for her actions, and sometimes it takes months, after she realizes what she's losing...a strong man in control that knows his boundaries and supports his family. Oh yeah, and doesn't take crap. Only then do you start the conversation.

Br strong, friend. You can hopefully turn this around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

craigy said:


> Hey is there actually such thing as a free online keylogger? If so does anyone recommend one? The stuff I was looking at seemed kind of shady.


STOP SNOOPING!

Really! You already know the truth...found the texts. Why continue snooping. It's unhealthy. You know what you need to know already. Leave it at that.

The only thing you can rely on now 100% is that you one hundred percent can't trust her. She's in the fog. She will lie and blame shift everything on you to justify her actions. Make her behaviors seem less wrong to her...

Keep doing the 180. Stay strong. Be indifferent. Go to the gym. Get confident. Roar like the man you are! There are thousands of women out there who would gush at being with you. Remember that. Act like it. You are the sh$t, bud! As soon as she realizes that, the sooner she will realize what she might be throwing away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You know, im usually full of positive advice and such, but on occasion - marriages are not able to be repaired and I beleive when that happens, a male inparticular must be assertive.

So although I support marriage, when it is over and you are making plans to leave, My advice turns from sweet old twotimeloser to bust-a-cap-in-her-azz. 

So here is what i have to say, since you stated that you are looking for a plan...

Get the kids. Period. I dont care if you think it will be hard to raise them.. real men raise kids. A child support payment will destroy you, and in your next relationship it will be a source of agony. 

Now i am going to tell you how to do that... If she is partying all nighters and such, you have a reasonable fear of drug use. Get an emergency restraining order for you and the kids. This will give you emergency custody and keep her out of the home, legally. This can be done in 1 day and she doesnt need to show up for it. Ex par te is the term.. this is good for only 30 -90 days but it give you possesion of the kids. File the next day for divorce and have her tested for drugs and what not. She may be using, she may not be using... do it either way. If you are showing an interest in the kids, have possesion of them and ask for full custody... while she has a restraining order, then you are likely to keep custody. Judges do not like to step over restraining order lines, and they will likely make the temporary custody, permanent. Sound like i know about this? I do. I am not saying it is moral, I am saying it will get the job done.

Everything else will fall into line after that.

Now... People that know me as the " calm down, let us think this through guy" will be shocked i posted that. When it comes to divorce though, men need to break out the fangs to protect themselves and their children. She will surely do the same and nice guys DO finish last. 

I just lost the admiration of every woman on these boards, didnt I?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Craigy,
> 
> Yes, we've all had similar experiences. The sad part is that the more you read, the more these relationships play out like a text book.
> 
> ...


This is probably the best advice I've read on this board so far. All I need is a brown wallet that sais "Bad Mother ****er" on it. I've started acting like the relationship is already over and I feel good and desirable. Didn't think that was possible.

I've also recently remembered the way I was back when I first met my wife. I just got out of a relationship with a woman who walked all over me, so I told myself "never again." The next girl will like me for me, come to me, take my hand and I'll keep her wondering.

That next girl fell in love with me.. My wife. After about 5 years of marriage, I turned in the "bad ass" card for the "nice guy" one and 9 years later I'm hurting. Well, no more. It's back to the bad ass she first met. She'll come to me, or go home to nothing.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

true.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> I just lost the admiration of every woman on these boards, didnt I?


No. You give very good advice and If I'd been in your shoes, I would have done the same thing.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

She's having an emotional affair. She has not yet met this guy?? Are you sure?
If so, then it's just like looking at Porn right?
What's her intent / motive??
Find out.


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