# Husband's nitpicking is driving me crazy



## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

I've been married 16 years this summer. My husband has always been really picky about food and in general prefers to eat out. However we obviously can't afford to eat out 3 meals a day. He already eats out lunch every day to the tune of about $50 a week. I learned a long time ago to let him decide what/where we were going to eat dinner in order to avoid arguments. However lately it seems like despite letting him make all the mealtime decisions he still is always upset about whatever I have done for dinner. I'll ask him in the morning if he wants to go out for dinner and if not what does he want me to make. I try to get an idea of what time he thinks he'll be home and I have asked him numerous times to call or text if he's going to be late so we can go ahead and have our dinner (we have 12 year old twins) if he is going to be home well past their normal mealtime.

So lately he'll tell me he wants to go out for dinner, but he'll come home and be upset because I haven't cooked. Or the opposite will happen - he'll tell me he wants to eat in, why don't I make chicken parm (for example). Then he'll get home and be upset because he was craving meatloaf and mashed potatoes or he wants to go out so I've wasted food. If he doesn't want what I've made he'll actually insist I throw it out rather than save it for another meal. Which is a terrible waste IMHO. He gets mad if we don't wait dinner for him when he's late, even if he's not home until after 8 at which point the kids are already getting ready for bed (sometimes he's not home until after 10 even). I don't really like to give them dinner much after 6 and I think 8 is way too late for kids to be eating their heaviest meal of the day.

He does this constantly lately. I can NEVER get dinnertime plans right anymore in his eyes. Not that he yells, he just acts all hurt and disappointed and ends up sulking for the rest of the evening. A few times he's gone so far as to go out to dinner by himself if we have gone ahead and eaten without him due to a late night, or driven over to his parent's house because "his mother will make what he wants no matter what time it is." I've offered to cook whatever he wants when he gets home but by then he's already in a sulk and doesn't want to listen to anything I say he just wants to make it all my fault.

And this is starting to spill over into other aspects of our lives. I don't do his laundry often enough or iron his shirts properly (lately he's been taking his laundry/ironing to his mother0. I don't mow the lawn often enough (this was supposed to be HIS job). I don't keep the bathroom clean enough. There's dog (or cat) hair on the furniture. His car needs washing why haven't I gotten it done (which makes no sense since his car is never HERE). The kids' grades aren't good enough (they're both honor roll although not high honor). The grocery bill was too high (I manage on about $200 a week for 4 people including 2 growing kids). It seems like NOTHING I do anymore is right but it's the mealtime complaints that really bug me because he TELLS me what he wants every morning but by the time he gets home he's changed his mind and somehow it's MY fault even though he can't be bothered to do something like text me to tell me he wants something else after all.

Reading through some of the posts here I realize my issues sound pretty minor and it's not like I'm contemplating divorce over this or anything. I'm just so tired of being nitpicked and made to feel like a failure all the time lately. I know he's stressed at work but so am I and I don't take it out on him or the kids even though my job is actually much more emotionally difficult than his. I have made numerous attempts to talk to him about what is bothering him because I figure this has to be a symptom of something bigger than just his deciding that I"m a failure as a housewife lately.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

I was trying to write something else in my opening post when my phone rang. Started to say I've tried to talk to him about what's really bothering him and he keeps telling me it's nothing he's just having a hard time at work. He has a new boss who is a lot stricter than his old boss and the new boss is also a woman and he thinks she's unqualified and a b*tch. I know he's pissed because he thinks he should have been promoted into the position she was given. I kind of feel like he's been taking his grievances with her out on me. I've suggested that he start looking for another job but other than this new boss he really likes where he works. He's already outlasted 4 superiors and he keeps hoping that he'll be given that position himself if he sticks around.

I've tried to tell him how bad he's making me feel but he pretty much told me if I want him to stop complaining than I need to make more of an effort to meet his needs and keep our home "nice" the way his mother does. Considering I work 40+ hours per week myself, do all the housework and cooking alone, and do a ton of stuff with our kids that he rarely participates in, I don't know what more he expects of me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

CMD1978 said:


> I was trying to write something else in my opening post when my phone rang. Started to say I've tried to talk to him about what's really bothering him and he keeps telling me it's nothing he's just having a hard time at work. He has a new boss who is a lot stricter than his old boss and the new boss is also a woman and he thinks she's unqualified and a b*tch. *I know he's pissed because he thinks he should have been promoted into the position she was given.* I kind of feel like he's been taking his grievances with her out on me. I've suggested that he start looking for another job but other than this new boss he really likes where he works. He's already outlasted 4 superiors and he keeps hoping that he'll be given that position himself if he sticks around.
> 
> I've tried to tell him how bad he's making me feel but he pretty much told me if I want him to stop complaining than I need to make more of an effort to meet his needs and keep our home "nice" the way his mother does. Considering I work 40+ hours per week myself, do all the housework and cooking alone, and do a ton of stuff with our kids that he rarely participates in, I don't know what more he expects of me.


From what you have relayed here, I suspect he is the reason he didn't get promoted.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CMD1978 said:


> I was trying to write something else in my opening post when my phone rang. Started to say I've tried to talk to him about what's really bothering him and he keeps telling me it's nothing he's just having a hard time at work. He has a new boss who is a lot stricter than his old boss and the new boss is also a woman and he thinks she's unqualified and a b*tch. I know he's pissed because he thinks he should have been promoted into the position she was given. I kind of feel like he's been taking his grievances with her out on me. I've suggested that he start looking for another job but other than this new boss he really likes where he works. He's already outlasted 4 superiors and he keeps hoping that he'll be given that position himself if he sticks around.
> 
> I've tried to tell him how bad he's making me feel but he pretty much told me if I want him to stop complaining than I need to make more of an effort to meet his needs and keep our home "nice" the way his mother does. Considering I work 40+ hours per week myself, do all the housework and cooking alone, and do a ton of stuff with our kids that he rarely participates in, I don't know what more he expects of me.


Time for him to go live with his mother. @ss


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Oh she'd just love it if he (or we) moved in with her. Ever since my FIL passed she's been bugging us to either let her move in with us or else to sell our place and move in with her. I understand she's lonely but she's also a control freak and has been verbally abusive to him, me, and our kids, so there is no freaking way we are going to agree to living with her. I adored my FIL and horrible though it sounds I could wish it had been MIL who had died instead. I've NEVER been good enough for her little boy or been able to do anything right in her eyes. And now my H is starting to act just like her. Minus the truly nasty verbal abuse so far.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Ugh...it sounds like you have a huge problem on your hands.
> 
> All I can say is don't take any crap any more. Make it crystal clear to him that he's choosing to not only have an unhappy work life but to also be unhappy at home. Ask him if he realizes this and why he would want to do that.
> 
> ...


I guess the big deal to me is the wondering why he's acting this way now when he never used to be like this. We've had what I would consider a happy, "normal" marriage up to this point. I'm not sure I can completely accept that his recent behavioral changes are just because he's no longer happy at a job he used to love. Reading through other threads, I find myself wondering if he is starting to do what so many people here seem to refer to as "checking out" of our marriage. He's working longer hours than he used to, he never comes to our kids' school/sports events anymore, he's stopped going to church with us. As a matter of fact about the only thing we really do as a family anymore is go out to eat. He used to help the kids with their homework every night. Now when they ask for help he tells them to "google it" or to ask the teacher if they need more help. He went on a total rant the other day because the kids needed money for school activities twice in one week. He acts like it's the school's fault. (Just for the record we could easily afford what was needed - between us our income is about $120,000 a year in a low cost of living area and our mortgage will be paid off in another 2 years.) Our sex life has dropped from about 3x/week to about once every one or two weeks. He doesn't seem to miss it. I can't say I mind that much it's hard to want to have sex with him when he's treating me this way.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Oh another thing - our kids are going on a class trip to DC during spring break. We had signed up to be chaperones - both of us. We thought it would be a fun family activity and hey, we wouldn't have to drive! I thought we were ALL looking forward to it. Out of the blue H decided he didn't want to go. No reason, no excuse like not being able to get out of work. He doesn't mind me going with the kids he says he's looking forward to the time alone. I can't seem to change his mind. I feel bad, the kids feel bad, and the school has to find another chaperone with the trip only 2 weeks away. Plus we lost his deposit because it's non-refundable. $400 down the drain. I can't for the life of me figure out what he's thinking.


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## lilbitoluv (Aug 14, 2015)

Oh hell no. Listen, if you both work, and you are the one handling the bulk of everything that is unfair ands he needs to pull his own weight. If you don't put your foot down he's going to drive you crazy. You already can't please him because he is impossible to please. He is totally unreasonable. He acts like a spoiled brat and you're doing nothing but encouraging that behavior from him. If you want things to change, stop tiptoeing arOund his stupid and childish behavior and demand he grow the hell up!! It seems he's gotten you so afraid of his unpredictable behaviour that you're losing your mind thinking you're not good enough. If you don't put an end to this you'll end up in the crazy house


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Do I need to restart this in the other forum or just put in a new thread pointing to this one?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Then he needs to go and live with his mother.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CMD1978 said:


> Do I need to restart this in the other forum or just put in a new thread pointing to this one?


No, just send a PM to French Fry, French Fry is a Moderator and can move your thread for you.

Sadly, it seems likely your husband is cheating on you, or might be having a breakdown of some kind.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Done.

BTW Matt Matt I love your dancing kitties. They look a little like Pokemon, which are a really big deal in our household!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CMD1978 said:


> Done.
> 
> BTW Matt Matt I love your dancing kitties. They look a little like Pokemon, which are a really big deal in our household!


Thanks! 

I chose them because they remind me of a cat who owned me until she was nearly 20. She had cancer, in the end.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Moved here on advice from other posters



CMD1978 said:


> I've been married 16 years this summer. My husband has always been really picky about food and in general prefers to eat out. However we obviously can't afford to eat out 3 meals a day. He already eats out lunch every day to the tune of about $50 a week. I learned a long time ago to let him decide what/where we were going to eat dinner in order to avoid arguments. However lately it seems like despite letting him make all the mealtime decisions he still is always upset about whatever I have done for dinner. I'll ask him in the morning if he wants to go out for dinner and if not what does he want me to make. I try to get an idea of what time he thinks he'll be home and I have asked him numerous times to call or text if he's going to be late so we can go ahead and have our dinner (we have 12 year old twins) if he is going to be home well past their normal mealtime.
> 
> So lately he'll tell me he wants to go out for dinner, but he'll come home and be upset because I haven't cooked. Or the opposite will happen - he'll tell me he wants to eat in, why don't I make chicken parm (for example). Then he'll get home and be upset because he was craving meatloaf and mashed potatoes or he wants to go out so I've wasted food. If he doesn't want what I've made he'll actually insist I throw it out rather than save it for another meal. Which is a terrible waste IMHO. He gets mad if we don't wait dinner for him when he's late, even if he's not home until after 8 at which point the kids are already getting ready for bed (sometimes he's not home until after 10 even). I don't really like to give them dinner much after 6 and I think 8 is way too late for kids to be eating their heaviest meal of the day.
> 
> ...


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

cmd1978 said:


> i've been married 16 years this summer. My husband has always been really picky about food and in general prefers to eat out. However we obviously can't afford to eat out 3 meals a day. He already eats out lunch every day to the tune of about $50 a week. I learned a long time ago to let him decide what/where we were going to eat dinner in order to avoid arguments. However lately it seems like despite letting him make all the mealtime decisions he still is always upset about whatever i have done for dinner. I'll ask him in the morning if he wants to go out for dinner and if not what does he want me to make. I try to get an idea of what time he thinks he'll be home and i have asked him numerous times to call or text if he's going to be late so we can go ahead and have our dinner (we have 12 year old twins) if he is going to be home well past their normal mealtime.
> 
> So lately he'll tell me he wants to go out for dinner, but he'll come home and be upset because i haven't cooked. Or the opposite will happen - he'll tell me he wants to eat in, why don't i make chicken parm (for example). Then he'll get home and be upset because he was craving meatloaf and mashed potatoes or he wants to go out so i've wasted food. If he doesn't want what i've made he'll actually insist i throw it out rather than save it for another meal. Which is a terrible waste imho. He gets mad if we don't wait dinner for him when he's late, even if he's not home until after 8 at which point the kids are already getting ready for bed (sometimes he's not home until after 10 even). I don't really like to give them dinner much after 6 and i think 8 is way too late for kids to be eating their heaviest meal of the day.
> 
> ...


[/quote]


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

CMD1978 said:


> I've been married 16 years this summer. My husband has always been really picky about food and in general prefers to eat out. However we obviously can't afford to eat out 3 meals a day. He already eats out lunch every day to the tune of about $50 a week. I learned a long time ago to let him decide what/where we were going to eat dinner in order to avoid arguments.


That feeds his behavior. Never fear an argument because you have an opinion.


> However lately it seems like despite letting him make all the mealtime decisions he still is always upset about whatever I have done for dinner.


An unhappy individual will always find something to complain about. If you feed the behavior, he will turn his energy to other aspects of life that he has found to be negative.


> I'll ask him in the morning if he wants to go out for dinner and if not what does he want me to make. I try to get an idea of what time he thinks he'll be home and I have asked him numerous times to call or text if he's going to be late so we can go ahead and have our dinner (we have 12 year old twins) if he is going to be home well past their normal mealtime.
> 
> So lately he'll tell me he wants to go out for dinner, but he'll come home and be upset because I haven't cooked. Or the opposite will happen - he'll tell me he wants to eat in, why don't I make chicken parm (for example). Then he'll get home and be upset because he was craving meatloaf and mashed potatoes or he wants to go out so I've wasted food.


This all is just a distraction from the underlying problem.



> If he doesn't want what I've made he'll actually insist I throw it out rather than save it for another meal. Which is a terrible waste IMHO. He gets mad if we don't wait dinner for him when he's late, even if he's not home


His behavior was fed. He is spoiled.





> He does this constantly lately. I can NEVER get dinnertime plans right anymore in his eyes. Not that he yells, he just acts all hurt and disappointed and ends up sulking for the rest of the evening. A few times he's gone so far as to go out to dinner by himself if we have gone ahead and eaten without him due to a late night, or driven over to his parent's house because "his mother will make what he wants no matter what time it is." I've offered to cook whatever he wants when he gets home but by then he's already in a sulk and doesn't want to listen to anything I say he just wants to make it all my fault.


You don't understand the victim. The victim is your husband. It isn't something you can reason with. He feels victimized. You feel victimized. You are on the "right" side, but has that mattered or de-escalated any situation?





> Reading through some of the posts here I realize my issues sound pretty minor and it's not like I'm contemplating divorce over this or anything. I'm just so tired of being nitpicked and made to feel like a failure all the time lately. I know he's stressed at work but so am I and I don't take it out on him or the kids even though my job is actually much more emotionally difficult than his. I have made numerous attempts to talk to him about what is bothering him because I figure this has to be a symptom of something bigger than just his deciding that I"m a failure as a housewife lately.


This issue is not minor. This is a major disconnection at play here. You are not validated and not respected and we have to work to change that. It won't change by using the status quo. It won't change by feeding his behavior.

Does this make sense?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why was this moved to CWI? The OP has no clue that her husband is cheating. Just because some posters jump to the standard 'he's cheating' mantra doesn't make it true.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Why was this moved to CWI? The OP has no clue that her husband is cheating. Just because some posters jump to the standard 'he's cheating' mantra doesn't make it true.


Because the OP requested it be moved?

Why did the OP want it moved?

Because her husband is waving more red flags than a traditional Italian flag waving troupe. *That's* why.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

I requested the thread be moved because it was suggested to me that cheating might be an explanation for the recent changes in my husband's behavior and that the regulars to this forum might be able to help me find out for sure.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

CMD1978 said:


> I requested the thread be moved because it was suggested to me that cheating might be an explanation for the recent changes in my husband's behavior and that the regulars to this forum might be able to help me find out for sure.


As a not so technically savvy regular here, let me ask you this: Has he suddenly become overly protective of his phone? Has he put a passcode on it, when he didn't have one before?

My ex used to b!tch about the passcode I had on my phone. It's a company phone. We are required to have a passcode. It cannot be disabled. He b!tched and b!tched about that, and then one day, he put a passcode on his own phone. I didn't realize that at the time - I came to find that out later.

Olivia and MattMatt are right - his recent changes in behavior are red flags. 

It's interesting that he is so controlling about dinner. So was my ex. Passive aggressive, really. I finally took to just leaving him a plate in the fridge, because he could never manage to be ready to eat much before 8:00 or 8:30, and we had a young son who needed to be in bed by then, or not long after.

I completely agree with the earlier assessment that he is putting up hurdles for you to cross, and then putting up some more when you cross those, in order to justify in his mind that he has disconnected from you to the point that he is now having an affair. Be prepared for more blame-shifting.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

We have a family phone account. All 3 units (2 iPhones and an iPad) on it have the same pass code. And we have notifications turned on for text messages on all 3 phones so messages sent/received on one are seen on all. So I know the only women he communicates with on a regular basis are me, his mom, one female friend that he games with, and a couple of coworkers including the boss he hates so much. I've never seen anything inappropriate going in either direction with any of them. And the only other person he texts regularly is his brother who is also his best friend. He does not have a work phone. He also does not have a personal Facebook account we have a family account. And he doesn't hide his phone from me either we have a multiple phone charger in our kitchen and all 3 phones sit on it all night. And considering how often he forgets to take it to work I can't imagine he's hiding anything on it. He doesn't use it much at home. Mostly he uses the iPad because the bigger screen is better for games.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If he's not cheating, it seems like he's spoiling for a big fight to give him an excuse to go move in with his mother.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Well he always did say she was a better cook and housekeeper than me. But she's 78 years old with emphysema I don't imagine she keeps up with that stuff like she used to do. She does let him smoke in the house, which I don't. That's been the source of quite a few arguments but I won't have my kids exposed to it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cheating or not, he's a spoiled brat manchild.

Kick him out on his ass and file.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs deprogramming. From the special training he had from some deluded soul who has emphysema and who has no problem with smoking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CMD1978 said:


> Oh she'd just love it if he (or we) moved in with her. Ever since my FIL passed she's been bugging us to either let her move in with us or else to sell our place and move in with her. I understand she's lonely but she's also a control freak and has been verbally abusive to him, me, and our kids, so there is no freaking way we are going to agree to living with her. I adored my FIL and horrible though it sounds I could wish it had been MIL who had died instead. I've NEVER been good enough for her little boy or been able to do anything right in her eyes. And now my H is starting to act just like her. Minus the truly nasty verbal abuse so far.


I think what the poster meant was for HIM to move in with her.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Cancelling going away with the family is a red flag. The other stuff adds up to lots of orange ones. 
If you're not a techie, have a PI watch him for the couple of nights you are away. 
That will tell you if he's cheating, assuming if he is that the AP isn't married too. 
He's very open with his phone which is a good sign, unless he's got a burner phone. 

What's with gaming lady? Does she live locally? Have you met her? Doubt if he treats her the way he treats you because they'd be no longer gaming if he was. If someone is checking out of a marriage, often they're 'friends only' with someone of the opposite sex such as gaming lady but begin to think they'd be happier with someone like the friend. And it goes from there.

If he isn't having an A, he's treating you like cr*p & behaving like a two year old. You sound like his housekeeper/maid right now & not even a good one in his eyes. As for a husband comparing his wife with his mother? Doesn't get much unhealthier than that. 

Either way you have to stop him treating you like a doormat. He won't stop by himself. With meals, tell him in the morning what's for dinner & do not waver from that. He's running the menu in the house too. It seems it doesn't matter what anyone else wants to eat except him. Tell him to stop acting like a spoiled brat & treating you, the woman he loves, another of his children & life partner like cr*p. 

He's a bully as well as everything else.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

He's been gaming (D&D) with the same group since high school. This woman has always been a part of the group. They game every Saturday night, sitting around his mother's kitchen table. His mother loves it and encourages them by cooking up all sorts of goodies every week. A lot of drinking goes on. There used to be pot as well but for the most part they've outgrown that. Gaming lady as you call her is this incredibly butch lesbian so I've never felt threatened by her. The rest of the group is male, most of them are married, one is gay. I used to be into this along with him back in our college days (we met at an SCA event) but after the twins were born I figured it was time to grow up. Unfortunately he doesn't see the need to do the same.

He is a good provider and he's worked for the same employer for over a decade and has a position with significant authority (he's a dean at a small public college). I've always known he was good at compartmentalizing his life, the person he is at work is very different from the person he is at home and he's very different at our house from how he is at his mothers. He's a good dad but the older the kids get the less interest he seems to show in them. He actually used to coach Little League and Pop Warner now he won't even go to their games. I KNOW he's been really frustrated that he got passed over for promotion to Dean of Students about 8 months ago and it makes it even harder that he can't stand the woman who got the job - she came from outside academia and he thinks she's incompetent. I would say the time frame of her being tired is about the same time he started being so difficult at home.

I talked to my mom about this for a couple of hours last night after it was suggested here that he might be cheating. She brought up the idea that maybe he's having an affair with the new boss and he's talking up how much he hates her to throw me off. I don't know if he could hide something like that from me successfully I've always been able to read him pretty well. But he's changed so much lately it's obvious that SOMETHING is going on.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Matt Matt not only is she ok with smoking she still does it herself. Says she figures there's no point quitting when she's already dying. Surprisingly enough though she's amazingly healthy apart from the emphysema. Her doctors have told her she could easily live another 10 years if her lungs don't give out. Of course they probably will since she won't quit smoking.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> It sounds like there's a possibility that he's having an affair and is trying to convince himself that you're a bad wife, therefore his affair is justified.
> 
> If I were you I would post in the Coping With Infidelity Forum and ask for advice. The folks there will give you good advice about how to find out what's going on if anything's going on. A lot of them have been very badly hurt by infidelity though and seem (to me) to find evidence of cheating in everything a person does. Just know that going in.


Yeah, maybe it's the cynic in my name, but I have to wonder about a possible affair too. With this new lady boss. His portrayal of disliking her might be a smokescreen.



CMD1978 said:


> He's working longer hours than he used to, he never comes to our kids' school/sports events anymore, he's stopped going to church with us. As a matter of fact about the only thing we really do as a family anymore is go out to eat. He used to help the kids with their homework every night. Now when they ask for help he tells them to "google it" or to ask the teacher if they need more help. He went on a total rant the other day because the kids needed money for school activities twice in one week. He acts like it's the school's fault. (Just for the record we could easily afford what was needed - between us our income is about $120,000 a year in a low cost of living area and our mortgage will be paid off in another 2 years.) Our sex life has dropped from about 3x/week to about once every one or two weeks. He doesn't seem to miss it. I can't say I mind that much it's hard to want to have sex with him when he's treating me this way.


He's spending more time away from the house (has somewhere else he'd rather be).
He's becoming critical of you (you can't match his fantasy of another person, and he has to use how 'awful' you are to justify an affair).
He's stopped going to family events with you (gives him private time to contact or visit another person).
Disinterested in the children (distracted by a second life without them).
Unnecessarily concerned about money (diverting finances somewhere else).
Sex life dropped off (getting it somewhere else).



CMD1978 said:


> Oh another thing - our kids are going on a class trip to DC during spring break. We had signed up to be chaperones - both of us. We thought it would be a fun family activity and hey, we wouldn't have to drive! I thought we were ALL looking forward to it. Out of the blue H decided he didn't want to go. No reason, no excuse like not being able to get out of work. He doesn't mind me going with the kids he says he's looking forward to the time alone. I can't seem to change his mind. I feel bad, the kids feel bad, and the school has to find another chaperone with the trip only 2 weeks away. Plus we lost his deposit because it's non-refundable. $400 down the drain. I can't for the life of me figure out what he's thinking.


If he doesn't go on the trip, he can spend extra time, even an overnight, with an affair partner, while the family is out of town.



CMD1978 said:


> He's been gaming (D&D) with the same group since high school. This woman has always been a part of the group. They game every Saturday night, sitting around his mother's kitchen table. His mother loves it and encourages them by cooking up all sorts of goodies every week. A lot of drinking goes on. There used to be pot as well but for the most part they've outgrown that. Gaming lady as you call her is this incredibly butch lesbian so I've never felt threatened by her. The rest of the group is male, most of them are married, one is gay. I used to be into this along with him back in our college days (we met at an SCA event) but after the twins were born I figured it was time to grow up. Unfortunately he doesn't see the need to do the same.


This is sending several messages to him, that aren't good, even if there is no affair happening.

First, you used to share hobbies with him, but now you don't. You've changed from the woman he originally fell in love with, and some connection is lost.

Second, you are judging him as immature for not giving up the hobby. Nobody likes to feel judged by their spouse!



CMD1978 said:


> He is a good provider and he's worked for the same employer for over a decade and has a position with significant authority (he's a dean at a small public college). I've always known he was good at compartmentalizing his life, the person he is at work is very different from the person he is at home and he's very different at our house from how he is at his mothers. He's a good dad but the older the kids get the less interest he seems to show in them. He actually used to coach Little League and Pop Warner now he won't even go to their games. I KNOW he's been really frustrated that he got passed over for promotion to Dean of Students about 8 months ago and it makes it even harder that he can't stand the woman who got the job - she came from outside academia and he thinks she's incompetent. I would say the time frame of her being tired is about the same time he started being so difficult at home.
> 
> I talked to my mom about this for a couple of hours last night after it was suggested here that he might be cheating. She brought up the idea that maybe he's having an affair with the new boss and he's talking up how much he hates her to throw me off. I don't know if he could hide something like that from me successfully I've always been able to read him pretty well. But he's changed so much lately it's obvious that SOMETHING is going on.


Yeah, those are my thoughts as well. The more he acts like he hates her, the less you'll suspect anything is going on with her.

Even if it isn't, he may still harbour attraction to her, be comparing her to you (her best qualities and your worst) and be fantasizing about what it might be like to be with her.
He may in fact truly believe she's incompetent and still have an intense attraction to her. In that case, his best fantasy scenario would be for them to fall in love, for her to leave the position to avoid any workplace shenanigans, and then for him to get both the job AND her.

Even if there's not an affair, he's definitely unhappy and hates his life right now. This leads him to see everything in a negative light, and disinclines him to put effort into it. Then a vicious circle develops where he has to blame it on other people because if he blamed himself that would mean he had the responsibility to change it.

How close are you to this other woman gamer? I'd maybe ask her if he's talked to his gaming crowd about what's troubling him. If they drink a lot there, he may not be able to hold back.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

CMD1978 said:


> he's changed so much lately it's obvious that SOMETHING is going on.


If our gut says something is going on then it usually is. And I think by that you mean he's possibly having EA/PA. 

A big sign of someone having an affair is getting very irritated with their spouse & you sure have that going on. My ex was. 

My alarm bells went off too when you said he has a new female boss, despite him saying he doesn't like her. My ex didn't like his colleague either! Surprise, surprise. 

My gut knew there was something up too except I didn't go into snoop mode, not until it was too late. 

You GOTTA go into snoop mode. Are you tech minded? IMO, hiring a PI the weekend you're away with the kids would be worth every dollar IMO. 

IMPORTANT: If he isn't having an A, it sound like clinical depression: being extremely irritable, lack of interest in life & everyone around him, not having the motivation to do things, e.g. go away with the kids as planned, withdrawing into onself, loss of libido. If so, it may have started when he didn't get the promotion. Worth looking into anyway.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

CMD1978 said:


> I've been married 16 years this summer. My husband has always been really picky about food and in general prefers to eat out. However we obviously can't afford to eat out 3 meals a day. He already eats out lunch every day to the tune of about $50 a week. I learned a long time ago to let him decide what/where we were going to eat dinner in order to avoid arguments. However lately it seems like despite letting him make all the mealtime decisions he still is always upset about whatever I have done for dinner. I'll ask him in the morning if he wants to go out for dinner and if not what does he want me to make. I try to get an idea of what time he thinks he'll be home and I have asked him numerous times to call or text if he's going to be late so we can go ahead and have our dinner (we have 12 year old twins) if he is going to be home well past their normal mealtime.
> 
> So lately he'll tell me he wants to go out for dinner, but he'll come home and be upset because I haven't cooked. Or the opposite will happen - he'll tell me he wants to eat in, why don't I make chicken parm (for example). Then he'll get home and be upset because he was craving meatloaf and mashed potatoes or he wants to go out so I've wasted food. If he doesn't want what I've made he'll actually insist I throw it out rather than save it for another meal. Which is a terrible waste IMHO. He gets mad if we don't wait dinner for him when he's late, even if he's not home until after 8 at which point the kids are already getting ready for bed (sometimes he's not home until after 10 even). I don't really like to give them dinner much after 6 and I think 8 is way too late for kids to be eating their heaviest meal of the day.
> 
> ...



Sounds like a narcissist. Check out the Cluster B personality disorders.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Narcissism isn't something that normally just starts out of the blue though. This behavior has only really surfaced in the last 8-10 months I would say. Pretty much since he got passed over for the promotion toward the end of the spring 2015 semester. I mean he's always been picky about his food but there are some people who are like that. This has become far more than picky eating behavior.

I can't imagine him messing around with a student! He's got a college age niece and I can't see him messing around with girls practically young enough to be his daughter.

I don't know much about his female gaming friend other than they've been friends since high school, she used to date one of his buddies before she came out, and she's been married to her long term partner since NYS legalized gay marriage. She's fairly close to my MIL but doesn't like me or my BIL's wife. She's very immature from what I've seen of her. Been arrested for meth possession a couple of times.

I have never told him I don't approve of his gaming. I don't want them meeting at our house because they turn into drunken slobs every time they get together, but since his mom is always willing to host they have a guaranteed place to meet up anyway. The kids and I usually go to my parents house on Saturdays if they don't have any sports events going on.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

He sounds completely nuts,then. What you describe is abuse.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sure there's no one else? Maybe not a full blown affair, but an emotional one, maybe? I rarely make that leap, but when people start nitpicking constantly, always finding fault...and backing out of the trip (but he may still want you to go)...it strikes me as his attention is being pulled elsewhere. Worth exploring.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

It's only abuse if I let it be. Which I don't. He can complain as much as he wants and go running to his mother as much as he wants. He's NOT hurting me - he's driving me nuts and SERIOUSLY pissing me off. He IS hurting our marriage because while I was willing to go along with his picky behavior regarding meals, I'm not willing to let him make me feel bad about myself just because he all of a sudden has decided I don't measure up after 15 happy years. The h*ll with that!

I'm a social worker - I work for NYS DSS and I deal with a lot of mentally and emotionally disabled people. I know the signs of most psychiatric disorders and IMHO his behavior doesn't fit. Unless something had happened to him physically that had changed his mental capacities it would be pretty unusual for an adult to suddenly change this much. And based on conversations I've had with others, he's only changed at home, with me and the kids. It would be highly unusual for someone who had developed a behavioral disorder to only show it to some people and not others.

Reading through one of the other cheating threads I realized there is another "red flag." He's started dieting and gone out and bought himself some really nice new suits. He used to mostly wear slacks and sport coats to work. He SAYS the new administration has cracked down on the dress code at his level but a business suit and tie dress code in an academic institution, even for a dean, would be pretty odd. I may have to do some checking up on that with a couple of his colleagues we are friends with.

He also won't let me drive his car anymore which is weird. Used to be if one of us went out anywhere other than work we would just take whatever car is in back (single lane driveway). But lately when I need to go out he always jumps up and backs his car out so that I can move mine. Always keeps his keys on him these days too, he just used to throw them on the kitchen counter when he got home. But I can't imagine what he could be hiding in his car? If there was some sort of "incriminating evidence" ending up in his car seems like he'd just throw it out. I had just written it off to him not wanting me to use it because he doesn't think it's safe for some reason. He did mention it needed new brakes but I know he hasn't gotten them done. So I just don't know.

Clinical depression is something I have considered and I've asked him to talk to his dr or even a counselor on the campus. He flat our refused. His answer was something along the lines of there was nothing wrong with him that getting rid of his b*tch of a boss wouldn't fix. So who knows? Maybe he really is just taking his misery with her out on me. But if he keeps it up, he's going to find out I'm not going to tolerate it much longer than she probably would.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

I'm not sure how to go about figuring out if anything is going on. I could try the recorder in our bedroom while I'm gone but what's that going to prove if nothing happens? He's already told me he plans to spend that week staying with his mom. I've found nothing on his phone and he keeps his car locked and the keys on him these days. Which is one thing that does bother me. He doesn't have a work laptop he has a desktop so he obviously doesn't bring it home. He hardly ever touches our home computers. Just the iPad and like i said nothing suspicious there. He really only uses it to play Clash of Clans and other online RPGs. Most of the time when he's home he either watches sports (it's golf this weekend) and falls asleep on the couch (which is what he's doing now), or he's grading student papers (he still teaches a few classes each semester). And I know his class schedule so I know the nights he's late it's because he has a class that gets out at 8 and sometimes he takes his entire graduate evening class (which maxes out at 6 students per semester) out to late dinner at Denny's to continue their class discussions. I have no problem with that in fact I think it makes him a great teacher. He's never home later than 10.

I really don't think I could manage a PI. H controls the finances and he'd be questioning that kind of money coming out of the account. I might be able to get a friend to drive by the house a few times while we're away, to check if he's home or if there are strange cars in the driveway. Maybe even to knock if he appears to have company, pretend they don't know I'm not home.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

CMD1978 said:


> Reading through one of the other cheating threads I realized there is another "red flag." He's started dieting and gone out and bought himself some really nice new suits. He used to mostly wear slacks and sport coats to work. He SAYS the new administration has cracked down on the dress code at his level but a business suit and tie dress code in an academic institution, even for a dean, would be pretty odd. I may have to do some checking up on that with a couple of his colleagues we are friends with.
> 
> He also won't let me drive his car anymore which is weird. Used to be if one of us went out anywhere other than work we would just take whatever car is in back (single lane driveway). But lately when I need to go out he always jumps up and backs his car out so that I can move mine. Always keeps his keys on him these days too, he just used to throw them on the kitchen counter when he got home.


New clothes - major red flag. Since he dislikes the new boss so much unlikely he would have bought new suit, suits??? just cos she said so as it wouldn't be an enforceable rule. Why suits? Sports jackets & trousers much cheaper and more appropriate for teacher/lecturer. Never saw a teacher in a suit my whole time at school/university. He's dressing up for someone & its not you. 

I think I know what he may be hiding in his car. . . 
*a burner phone*!

He wouldn't want it to ring & even if on vibrate it could be heard. It would be MUCH harder for him to hide it in your house. And it explains why he's hanging on so tightly to his car keys too.

My gut says burner phone. 

When he's fully asleep, get those car keys & a torch and have a look.

PS How do you mean he 'controls' the finances. Don't you have equal control of your finances? As in you don't have to ask him permission to buy something? Sorry if I have misunderstood, just that he sounds like such a control freak. 
Ask a PI for a quote. Then, tell husband in advance you are getting something 'female' done at the doctor's which your insurance doesn't cover. Say you really do NOT want to go into the details of it with him, that it's not life-threatening but you have to have it done. Believe me, most men want to run a mile if they hear about us females & things we need doing & he shouldn't ask any more - smirk . 
Whatever it costs, it's worth your peace of mind. 
Also ask him casually abut his boss, is she married, how old blah blah. See if he gets a bit uncomfortable.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Just got back from family dinner out (so what else is new. We're spending over $1000 a month in restaurants. That money could keep our kids from needing student loans). Staying home from church tonight because nobody felt up to it. H and son are watching TV in our bedroom. Daughter is reading and I am pretending to read. Just another normal evening in our household lately. Nobody talks to anybody anymore. At least on the kids side I'm pretty sure it's just preteen hormones.

As far as finances - we have a joint checking account and a joint savings account. Both our paychecks are direct deposited. When I say he has control I simply mean he pays all the bills and balances the checkbook. We both have debit cards and a rule that neither of us can spend more than $200 without telling the other.

I've met his boss a couple of times. I truly don't believe he would get involved with her she's got to be pushing 60 and he's not even 45 yet. I mean our kids are only 12 and she's got grandchildren! 

I kind of think I'm worrying about this for nothing. It hit me today that what he may be hiding from me is that he is looking for a new job. I've told him more than once that I don't want to move again so he may not want to tell me until it's already a done deal. (We literally moved 14 times between when we first moved in together and buying the house where we now live.) That would explain the suits if he's doing skype interviews or something similar. And maybe he wants to skip our trip to DC so he can schedule some in person interviews. I'm going to ask him about it. I don't really like it here the winters are way too harsh. If he is wanting to move, he may open up to me if he realizes I'm open to it now. Maybe not leave NY but maybe get some more distance between us and the Canadian border.

I'm also thinking if he is having an affair, the thought that I want to move away might completely freak him out. If nothing else I think his reaction could be informative.

OliviaG - I'm also going to send my car to the shop this week and tell him he has to drive me to work until I get it back. See if he argues or tries to make me make other arrangements or even just scrambles to clean his car out. His car is normally a health hazard level mess of food and cigarette wrappers and he doesn't care so if he makes a big deal about having to clean it up for me I'm really going to wonder why. Better yet if he insists on cleaning it first I'll INSIST on helping him do it. That way he won't get the chance to remove anything he may be hiding. Although I still think there has to be some other explanation. Like maybe it just smells so bad he's ashamed of it but still too lazy to clean it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

The interview thing does add up CMD1978. I suspect his ego is badly bruised about being overlooked for the position so maybe he wants to surprise you with, 'Hey, I got a new job,' as well as wanting to get it first as he thinks you don't want to move. 

It sure doesn't sound as if you have anything to worry about as far as his boss goes . 

The car thing is still very weird. If it's untidy now, hasn't it always been? Been thinking what it could be but burner phone is the only thing I can think of. 

Eating out all the time is a bit strange too i.e. why so much. If he was always picky about food, maybe he's projecting whatever is going on inside onto his food thing. All of us project & project in different ways. 

There definitely seems to be some kind of communication breakdown since he didn't get that position, i.e. he has withdrawn into himself. Because there's so little evidence for an EA or PA, maybe sit him down and ask him all these things, about the suits, the car, his irritation with you all the time and how it makes you feel so bad. (It's abuse, really it is when it gets to that point & it must stop for your sanity.) And ask him straight out why he has withdrawn. And maybe say at the end that you're concerned he may be depressed. 

I dunno. Do you think he's approachable for all this? Because it must be wearing you down trying to figure out what's going on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

45 to 60?

That doesn’t signify. When I was in my 20's I had a relationship with a woman in her 50s. Why? I fell for her, big time.

I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

So Olivia I took your advice last night and attempted to go car snooping. Failed miserably. Couldn't find either his set of keys OR the spare. Definitely wondering now why he feels the need to HIDE his keys.

I did go outside early this morning before he got up and just looked in the windows. The car is definitely a mess but doesn't seem any more so than usual. I did notice what appears to be a dark stain on the back seat that wasn't there last time I rode in it. Wonder if he spilled something and doesn't want me to find out because the car is only 6 months old. I have to admit I WOULD be mad. The last car he had we lost a lot of $$$ on trade in value due to the damage his mess had done to the interior.

Bugs me that he's allowed to let his car get that bad but I get blasted if the house gets even a little messy.

I'm going to make an appointment to get my car inspected this week and then tell him he has to take me to work and pick me up while its in the shop. I'm also going to tell him I want us to start planning a week long summer vacation to make up for not going with us for spring break.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Hiding things, "spouse can't do anything right" syndrome, new clothes, and now mystery stains in the back seat of the car?

Hmm. I mean, none of that sounds good. 

But if nothing else, the finances seem like that something that seriously needs to be discussed - you seemingly have this $200 rule but then he insists on spending $1000 a month eating out because he wants his every food based whim catered to. The same that his car is a complete wreck and he goes off if things aren't pristine. It seems to me that he operates under a completely different set of rules than you. He wants what he wants when he wants it, and wants everyone else to cater to him.

He's not "allowed" to do these things. Next time he feels like "blasting" I'd point out the hypocrisy and leave the room. Allowing tirades just gives the idea you accept that you deserve it.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

It sounds like you think his behavior is getting worse because he's trying to find out exactly how much I'll let him get away with. Am I reading that right?

I always have believed in picking my battles. The food thing was important to him and not to me so I went along with it. But it seems like people think he views me poorly because I never gave him push back on it. Honestly I never gave him push back on it because it wasn't a big deal and it didn't bother me. But now it's taking over every aspect of our life and his finding fault with everything I do is making me crazy. And angry. He thinks he's entitled to act like this because he's unhappy at work? He ought to try doing my job for a day.

I've about had it. This morning he never said one word to me between getting out of bed and leaving for work. I was going to do the whole thing about taking my car to the shop and I never even got the chance. He got up, took his shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee, and walked out. No kiss goodbye, no see you later, didn't even tell me what he wanted for supper tonight which is something he never forgets. Something is obviously bothering him. I need to find a way to get it out of him.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

CMD1978 said:


> I've been married 16 years this summer. My husband has always been really picky about food and in general prefers to eat out. However we obviously can't afford to eat out 3 meals a day. He already eats out lunch every day to the tune of about $50 a week. I learned a long time ago to let him decide what/where we were going to eat dinner in order to avoid arguments. However lately it seems like despite letting him make all the mealtime decisions he still is always upset about whatever I have done for dinner. I'll ask him in the morning if he wants to go out for dinner and if not what does he want me to make. I try to get an idea of what time he thinks he'll be home and I have asked him numerous times to call or text if he's going to be late so we can go ahead and have our dinner (we have 12 year old twins) if he is going to be home well past their normal mealtime.
> 
> So lately he'll tell me he wants to go out for dinner, but he'll come home and be upset because I haven't cooked. Or the opposite will happen - he'll tell me he wants to eat in, why don't I make chicken parm (for example). Then he'll get home and be upset because he was craving meatloaf and mashed potatoes or he wants to go out so I've wasted food. If he doesn't want what I've made he'll actually insist I throw it out rather than save it for another meal. Which is a terrible waste IMHO. He gets mad if we don't wait dinner for him when he's late, even if he's not home until after 8 at which point the kids are already getting ready for bed (sometimes he's not home until after 10 even). I don't really like to give them dinner much after 6 and I think 8 is way too late for kids to be eating their heaviest meal of the day.
> 
> ...


What else is he doing? By that I mean is there unexplained behaviors he has been exhibiting lately? It sounds to me like he is trying to rile you up for a fight and split. Then again I am overly suspicious anymore. Trusting got me the heartache from Hell. Also, Olivia is right-tell him childish behavior is going to earn him childish results. I would go one step further, I would leave him a plate of (for instance) mashed potatoes and meatloaf-but I would puree the meatloaf. I would leave the food in one of those toddler plates-with the appropriate cutlery!
But then again I am an A$$hole who treats childish snarky people like they deserve...


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

CMD1978 said:


> It sounds like you think his behavior is getting worse because he's trying to find out exactly how much I'll let him get away with. Am I reading that right?
> 
> I always have believed in picking my battles. The food thing was important to him and not to me so I went along with it. But it seems like people think he views me poorly because I never gave him push back on it. Honestly I never gave him push back on it because it wasn't a big deal and it didn't bother me. But now it's taking over every aspect of our life and his finding fault with everything I do is making me crazy. And angry. He thinks he's entitled to act like this because he's unhappy at work? He ought to try doing my job for a day.
> 
> I've about had it. This morning he never said one word to me between getting out of bed and leaving for work. I was going to do the whole thing about taking my car to the shop and I never even got the chance. He got up, took his shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee, and walked out. No kiss goodbye, no see you later, didn't even tell me what he wanted for supper tonight which is something he never forgets. Something is obviously bothering him. I need to find a way to get it out of him.


I'm surprised that he doesn't even mow the lawn. Did his Mom do that too? If not, I'd remind him that you expect him to take that of that this year and in the future. You work full time and it sounds like it's time the household and child rearing duties were shared. You are NOT a housewife.

Is this the lesson you want your impressionable 12 year olds learning about how a husband and wife should interact? Even if you have these conversations when they are not in the room, I guarantee that they know way more than you think.

You may have been choosing your battles, but I think you may now have let this gone on too long to easily make a change.

I would recommend telling your husband that the buck stops here. You will be attending marital counseling together and working to figure out where things have gone wrong. You will no longer put up with being his verbal punching bag.

If he is looking for a new job, the fact that he isn't discussing that with you is a huge red flag on where your relationship is at right now.

Unlike others, I don't think he's cheating. Not much of a market out there for a 45 year old obese smoker who isn't swimming in dough. If he was truly trying to lose weight, you wouldn't be spending $1000 a month dining out on crap.

One last thing. You really need to get the bad eating habits of your kids under control. Don't let your husband lead on this since your kids are already at above average BMI's. It's much harder to lose it than to just keep it off in the first place. You need to take back some of the control and stop letting him walk all over you just so you can feel like you are choosing your battles.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CMD1978 said:


> I was trying to write something else in my opening post when my phone rang. Started to say I've tried to talk to him about what's really bothering him and he keeps telling me it's nothing he's just having a hard time at work. He has a new boss who is a lot stricter than his old boss and the new boss is also a woman and he thinks she's unqualified and a b*tch. I know he's pissed because he thinks he should have been promoted into the position she was given. I kind of feel like he's been taking his grievances with her out on me. I've suggested that he start looking for another job but other than this new boss he really likes where he works. He's already outlasted 4 superiors and he keeps hoping that he'll be given that position himself if he sticks around.
> 
> I've tried to tell him how bad he's making me feel but he pretty much told me if I want him to stop complaining than I need to make more of an effort to meet his needs and keep our home "nice" the way his mother does. Considering I work 40+ hours per week myself, do all the housework and cooking alone, and do a ton of stuff with our kids that he rarely participates in, I don't know what more he expects of me.


I don't think his behavior is minor at all. I think he needs to see how he'd feel about living with mommy for awhile...

I haven't read this whole thread yet but it almost sounds like he could be having an affair and creating impossible situations with you to justify his cheating in his mind and/or to drive you over the edge so you leave him. His behavior makes no sense. Even if he is bummed about work - why is he being deliberately impossible with you and the kids? Something is rotten in Denmark...


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

So this just happened this morning.

I very calmly told him over breakfast that we needed to talk.

He looked at his plate, at the floor, out the window, everywhere but at me, and said "I know" so quietly I could barely hear him. Followed by "I don't think you're going to like what I have to say."

So tonight we are taking the kids over to his mom's for the evening. Then coming home to whatever this conversation turns out to be.

Gonna be a long day. I've got so many different possibilities running through my brain I feel like I'm going crazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Workathome said:


> I'm surprised that he doesn't even mow the lawn. Did his Mom do that too? If not, I'd remind him that you expect him to take that of that this year and in the future. You work full time and it sounds like it's time the household and child rearing duties were shared. You are NOT a housewife.
> 
> Is this the lesson you want your impressionable 12 year olds learning about how a husband and wife should interact?


QFT. More importantly, do you want your kids to grow up thinking men use women and women are too dumb/weak/whatever to have any rights or needs? 

Because that's what you're teaching them.

If you went to therapy, she would tell you to STOP LETTING HIM walk all over you, that YOU matter, but that you can't make him change so it has to be YOU who changes.

You're being a doormat. And only you can stop that.



> Followed by "I don't think you're going to like what I have to say."


This tells me that he thinks he's in complete control of this marriage, that you are nothing to him, that he has to do 'what he needs' and leave you and find a 'real woman' - i.e. a woman who knows her worth and will stand up for herself. He stopped respecting you a long time ago. And if he can't respect you, he can't care about you.

Whatever you do tonight DO NOT BEG HIM TO STAY WITH YOU.

Ok? 

Will you at least do that?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Good luck CMD1978. At least this thing is coming to a head at last & he has decided to communicate with you. 
I know it must be torture, the wait. Whatever he says, maybe try your hardest not to respond or engage with him so you can process it after. He has been treating you SO badly & no matter what happens, you won't have to put up with that any more, because you simply won't. You sound like a great wife & mother who deserves to be loved & cherished. So hold your head high. Hugs.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Tell him to pack his **** and go live with his mother. And ask him if he thinks his mother is better in bed too. How do you live constantly being compared to someone else?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

...chit! This is getting nerve wracking. I don't know how you have ANY patience. 

My money is cheating. Honestly i advise you to have a bag packed for him to go to his moms. i have a gut feeling he will be going there anyway and if his stuff is wrangled up already it will save time getting him out of your hair. 

Please Pack his bag. Prepare for the worst.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

I just typed out a long update in my other thread. I'm too exhausted and miserable to type it out again. And I can't figure out how to copy and paste on my phone if it's even possible.

Long story short he's moved out. But not because he's cheating - because he's a drug addict. I just can't believe I didn't figure it out for myself. All the signs were right there. And somehow I missed them. It would seem that's why he didn't want me in his car. He wasn't sure I wouldn't find something he didn't want me to see. Silly me I tried to make a joke asking him why if he was that worried he didn't just start cleaning his **** car already. Not much of a joke neither of us was laughing.

I don't know where we go from here. Take it day by day I guess. It was his idea to move out but based on what he told me I doubt I'll let him move back in unless he goes through rehab AND agrees to cut ties with his gaming group since he admitted that's where he's getting the illegal stuff. He swore up and down it was "only" prescription painkillers the rest of the week. Yeah. Only.

I have to go get my kids from MIL. It's going to be a fight to not blow up at her since H admitted she's known about this all along and in fact it was happening at her house. The kids will not be left with her as babysitter again. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to have a civil conversation with her again.

Then I need to come home and start figuring out how I'm going to handle this. As a state employed social worker I can't ignore the fact that my husband admitted to me that one of his buddies is dealing hard drugs. I can guess which one because it's not the first time. I'm just afraid of the fallout at home if I get one of his lifelong best friends busted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That was THEIR choice to become a person doing illegal things that could get them in prison. Not your problem. BE the person who does right. So that your kids can watch you and become who you are.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Prescription addiction is one of the worst. It leads many to steal from those who need it most. 

I would not write off cheating because (sometimes) addiction and cheating go hand in hand. His leaving and moving out tells me that he does not actually want to work on things. Going away will make it easier to hide from you longer. 

Goodness... I just can't shake that Addiction isn't the end of the story.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

He didn't tell me where he was going. No place good since his mother was obviously enabling this and his brother was apparently using right along with him since he said it was his entire gaming group. I'm pretty sure the provider would be the woman since she's been busted for meth possession and dealing in the past. Another bust might actually be her third strike.

I'm just horribly torn about this because upset and even angry as I am I'd hate to see him go down for this as well. But honestly I don't see the problem resolving unless the entire group gets busted.

I'm going to talk to my boss about how she thinks I should deal with this. There are avenues for dealing with this as a DSS employee that don't exist for the general public. If she involves the police based on what I tell her, I've satisfied my mandatory reporting requirements. And she can ask the police to handle it as an anonymous tip which might keep H out of it.

Unfortunately I already know the best way to bust this up is to tell the cops to go to MILs house on a Saturday night because that's when they're doing the hard stuff. If that happens, H will know **** well that I'm responsible. If he gets arrested I seriously doubt my marriage will be salvageable.

I see this all the time in my work. I can't believe it's now happening to me.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

*Sorry CMD1978 - wrote below before I saw your post above. 
*In one of your posts, you said his gaming lady was done for dealing drugs, or taking drugs, can't remember which. At the time I wondered if he was doing drugs at his Mom's house cos you said that's where he caught up with her & they all got very drunk too. I didn't ask cos you seemed to have enough on your plate & I thought it was only a shot in the dark. 

I wouldn't assume you got the full truth. Drug addicts are notorious liars. And cheating may be involved too. Just a shame you got treated like that as a result of his drug taking. How dare he. I'll bet he didn't treat his stupid Mom like that, or gaming lady, or gaming buddies, or colleagues - but you. And his stupid complaints if the house was untidy - look at the mess you said his car was in & comparing you to Mom. Grrrrrrr! 

Where did he move to? His Mom's? Will you be OK financially if he's in rehab etc? 

Maybe for now, don't think about whether to notify the authorities. You have enough to deal with & you can always say you needed to find more info to confirm as you can't just go around accusing people. Yes? 
And I think you have to dig a little deeper anyway. Try to get more information. Maybe snoop his stuff. Maybe even ask gaming lady though did you say she didn't like you? Do you know any other of the gamers you could ask? 

At least it's out. Half the problem is knowing what the problem is which you didn't know before now. 
You look after yourself & your kids, your & the kids favourite food! No need for so much eating out any more. Try & get some good sleep, maybe see your doc. On Sat go to the mall, get your hair done, get the kids some new clothes etc. Spoil yourself & the kids. You will probably find your home is a lot more relaxed now. 

This is now your H's journey. Not yours. No one can do it for him. At least he admitted it. I think users get let off lightly. It's the dealers the police want. Yes? 

Try not to miss him. Talk sense into yourself if you do. I've been there. Still am in a way. Missing not him, but simply having another adult in the home. It's hard to get used to but he wasn't even engaging with you by the end & before that it seemed to be mostly criticise your housekeeping skills & telling you that you weren't as good as his Mom. Grrrrr again. 

Time for YOU now. Look after yourself & keep posting.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CMD1978 said:


> He didn't tell me where he was going. No place good since his mother was obviously enabling this and his brother was apparently using right along with him since he said it was his entire gaming group. I'm pretty sure the provider would be the woman since she's been busted for meth possession and dealing in the past. Another bust might actually be her third strike.
> 
> I'm just horribly torn about this because upset and even angry as I am I'd hate to see him go down for this as well. But honestly I don't see the problem resolving unless the entire group gets busted.


I think you're right. He needs to get away from the people enabling the drug use if he's to have any hope of overcoming his addiction.



CMD1978 said:


> I'm going to talk to my boss about how she thinks I should deal with this. There are avenues for dealing with this as a DSS employee that don't exist for the general public. If she involves the police based on what I tell her, I've satisfied my mandatory reporting requirements. And she can ask the police to handle it as an anonymous tip which might keep H out of it.
> 
> Unfortunately I already know the best way to bust this up is to tell the cops to go to MILs house on a Saturday night because that's when they're doing the hard stuff. If that happens, H will know **** well that I'm responsible. If he gets arrested I seriously doubt my marriage will be salvageable.


I don't think a Saturday night bust would be automatically blamed on you. Police would only have to do a week of surveillance to figure out that hey, Saturday night's when they all gather in one place!

If he had stayed in the house, it would be different, but if he's moving out, you have much less power to prevent him from maintaining his poor associations. If he's there to get arrested, then that might be the rock bottom he needs. If he's avoiding them, that's a good sign, for both his recovery and his lack of arrest.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Folks am I missing something. This guy is a nasty, self-centered, complete pain in the a__. Next time when he comes home and asks for dinner, I'd probably bring out a frozen TV dinner and say, why don't you take this and shove it. Why are you continually taking crap from him, and the worst he treats you, the harder you work to meet his needs. Are you competing for the world enabling wife crown or something. I don't think my mom would have taken .000000000000000000000001 of this before handing him his head. 

Sorry to rant, but his treatment of you gets me upset and I am not the victim.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Well, at least you know what's up now, CMD. I'll be praying for you. And for him to get off drugs. Not sure if your marriage is salvageable, but at least you know what has been going on. ((hug))


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CMD1978 said:


> I
> I always have believed in picking my battles. The food thing was important to him and not to me so I went along with it. But it seems like people think he views me poorly because I never gave him push back on it. Honestly I never gave him push back on it because it wasn't a big deal and it didn't bother me.


I don't think there is anything wrong or abnormal with making what he wants to eat if it's important to him and not to you.

What's weird is his asking for a specific meal then saying you screwed up and/or that's not what he asked for. Also weird coming home late and expecting the kids to wait for him to eat. 

Also does he not call you in advance when he's coming home late? Is that normal? It seems weird to me.

It could be his ego is bruised at work so messing with you and making you and kids wait for him makes him feel better about himself somehow? But if that's true - wow, um, who wants to be married to that? 

Can you insist he speak to his Dr. about depression?

What would he do if he asked you for Chicken Parmigiana for dinner in the morning and you said "sure" then wrote that down on a piece of paper with the date then asked him to sign it before he left?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CMD1978 said:


> I just typed out a long update in my other thread. I'm too exhausted and miserable to type it out again. And I can't figure out how to copy and paste on my phone if it's even possible.
> 
> Long story short he's moved out. But not because he's cheating - because he's a drug addict. I just can't believe I didn't figure it out for myself. All the signs were right there. And somehow I missed them. It would seem that's why he didn't want me in his car. He wasn't sure I wouldn't find something he didn't want me to see. Silly me I tried to make a joke asking him why if he was that worried he didn't just start cleaning his **** car already. Not much of a joke neither of us was laughing.
> 
> ...


OMG, I just read this. I'm so so sorry. What a nightmare.

I can't believe your MIL. Pathetic. I wouldn't let the kids near her either. Unbelievable.

Horrible. I feel for you and your kids. You H too (in a different kind of way), but he has to figure this out, sympathy won't do him any good right now. Uggghhh.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it possible that MIL is also taking drugs?

Either way, you are right. MIL is NOT to be trusted with your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know what is worse - dealing with a cheater or a drug addict. You have to take care of yourself and the children. He is not the priority. If there is any justice in this world, his mother will be arrested.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WorkingWife said:


> What's weird is his asking for a specific meal then saying you screwed up and/or that's not what he asked for. Also weird coming home late and expecting the kids to wait for him to eat.


Not that weird for an abuser, though. They always shift the goalpost so that the victim can be assured of one thing: never being able to please the abuser, thus spending their whole life TRYING to. Keeps the victim from ever being able to feel sure of themselves or confident or...having the leisure to question the bullshyte the abuser is putting out. And expecting the family to meet HIS requirements is also typical, as he is the one who matters; they are just tools for him to use.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Sadly, it's also possible he's cheating as well, and using the drug use confession to conceal the affair. I don't know why he would want to move out of the house unless it was into a rehab facility.

Maybe I should change my username to Hopeful Paranoid.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Quick update: my boss doesn't really think I should continue posting about this. But I will say it turns out that H and his brother, who is part of the gaming group and also apparently using, decided to do this together. SIL called me asking if I knew anything but I don't know any more than she does. Haven't heard from H all day but Find My iPhone says he's been on campus pretty much since he left home. I'm guessing he's crashing on the couch in his office. SIL says she doesn't know where BIL is. She's pretty much going through same thing I am. This sucks.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Just wanted to post a quick update. My husband and his gaming buddies got busted big time. They all got 30 day sentences with mandatory drug counseling and community service. The woman who was dealing is in serious trouble and is still awaiting trial. My husband is also in more serious trouble than the others because it's his second drug related arrest, although the first was more than 2 decades ago. He may end up with a pretty hefty sentence and he's been suspended from his job although it will take a long time for him to be fired if ever because he's Union. MIL has been fined for letting it happen in her home but she didn't get in major trouble I think because she's in her 80s and terminally ill. Otherwise I think she might be serving time for possession as well since it was her house.

I'm on the fence about leaving him. I have a lot of serious thinking to do. He's definitely not coming home and being around the kids unless he can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's no longer using. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Move on. Let him come to you AFTER he has his life sorted out, has been through extensive therapy, and can prove he's no longer a danger. You have no obligation in this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CMD1978 said:


> Quick update: my boss doesn't really think I should continue posting about this. But I will say it turns out that H and his brother, who is part of the gaming group and also apparently using, decided to do this together. SIL called me asking if I knew anything but I don't know any more than she does. Haven't heard from H all day but Find My iPhone says he's been on campus pretty much since he left home. I'm guessing he's crashing on the couch in his office. SIL says she doesn't know where BIL is. She's pretty much going through same thing I am. This sucks.


Have this thread moved to the private section. A moderator like El Girl or Frenchfries can do this. 

And tell your Boss to mind his own business. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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