# Someone please help me



## DoubleR (Dec 15, 2011)

I am in the midst of a pending separation. I have made my decision and informed husband he must move out that we can no longer be under the same roof for fear of turning toxic. He found an apartment close by (in case one of us needs something and to provide to me he is not running away) and has started moving. 

I am in the midst of a pending separation. I have made my decision and informed husband he must move out that we can no longer be under the same roof for fear of turning toxic. He found an apartment close by (in case one of us needs something and to provide to me he is not running away) and has started moving.

This started the weekend of Thanksgiving. He was acting distant, did not want me to go to Lowe’s with him (we always run errands together) and I felt in my gut something was up. I confronted him, asked him what was wrong and I get the “I am in love with you but not in love with you” speech and that he can’t take it anymore he is so empty and alone and he has nothing left to give. I am in utter shock. We are J and R, we are a team, everyone looks to us as the “perfect” couple. We have been together 11 years and are coming up (Feb. 4) on our 10 year anniversary that we were planning a trip for. Our problem in our marriage is communication, we both think we are telling the other one are needs but we are not in a way that can be understood and I am not so sure we have really stopped to try to understand because we both get so caught up in our own feelings. Neglect has set in, the dreaded “is this all there is” thinking on his part because we are no longer spontaneous and fun. He feels that since we make a date for romantic time that I do not want him or desire him any longer and I am just fulfilling my wifely duties. He thinks I am too dependent on him and just need him around so I am not alone. He tells me he wants someone who wants him as much as he wants them. He has yet to tell me he no longer wants me. 

He says he no longer wishes to be married and starts justifying his feelings, we then shift into the blame game and you NEVER listen to me and then the exaggeration starts…our marriage has been bad for 8 years, it’s a just a show etc. The whole time I am wondering where was I at when all this was happening? How could I miss him telling me he wanted a divorce? I guess it’s because I didn’t miss it, he didn’t tell me, he just told me the same old thing over and over that we lack intimacy in our relationship. Which results in me telling him, you don’t give me the attention to make me feel like number 1, you take calls from work and interrupt my speaking, don’t apologize for it, work on vacation and generally make me feel very very small. It’s an endless circle but it is a dance that we have been doing, fight then make up. I agree that I do not wish to be in a marriage where I am not understood and feels like we’ve lost something.

Ok well now after me doing everything wrong (begging, pleading, remember the good times etc. etc.) we get to a point where I feel that there is something else going on. So I get on his computer, which is normally locked. I cannot access his cell because it is locked as well. Besides he is a cop so he is pretty smart and I think would delete most incriminating evidence. I find under a system folder a folder titled newfolder (like where you right click to create and save) and inside the folder are photos of a girl taking photos of herself with her cell phone, topless in front of the bathroom mirror, some she has just a robe on, others she is showing all her top etc. There is also a photo of her with a friend from the top up clothed, appears to be a family type photo. When I found it I had an ah ha moment and decided to tell him that I knew. I left him a voicemail telling him I know what you have done and left it at that. Well it seems after he announces he wants a divorce that he just is settling back and letting things ride. 

He is sleeping in a separate bedroom, avoiding me at all costs etc. I am like wait a minute you say you don’t want to be married, then say you want a divorce and you are just hanging around? So I decide that I need to move out, then I get pissed when I start to look at apartments and think why am I doing this? He is the one that wants out, so I tell him to leave. During this time frame we have a talk, a good talk, friend to friend and I ask him if he has done anything that could have compromised our marriage. He said no, this is his thing, he needs to be selfish for himself he is tired of taking care of others etc. So I confront him about the photos, he says they are amateur porn, I said how strange but I believe you. Well we talked some more and he tells me he has been talking to his friends about our marriage and trying to gain perspective. He mentions “you remember KD?” nope I don’t, wait I do, she is a friend he has had since he was 12 and was the woman he ran to when we had a rough patch (9 years ago same communication issue) who was calling him at 2AM. I light went off, he left to go to a party and I started digging. I match the nude photos to his yearbook and they were KD. 

He got home and I confronted him, he said yes they are her and he was mad that she sent the photos. He tells me he has set boundaries with her and that she sent them to tell him that he was desirable, attractive etc. and that if the circumstances were different she would want him. He felt she was trying to entice him. I asked why did you save the photos, he replied he didn’t know. I asked later today and asked if he used them to fantasize about her, he said he did but it was too disgusting and he could not do that. He tells me that she knows him so well and she went through something similar and how she has been helping him. I say how can you trust a friend that puts you in this sort of position? He says I don’t know. He says he does not want her in that way, that he is not looking for a replacement for me or something better. He just does not know what he wants, he doesn’t even know if he has the desire to try to fix our marriage or what he even wants in life. 
I informed him that I was uncomfortable with this relationship. Did I mention she lives in Jacksonville, which is where he visited in October for a business trip? He says he purposely avoided her, so at least I know they have been talking since then, he says it started in October and he hid it because he knew I would get mad?? He now today tells me after I try to get the log in for our Sprint account that he did talk to her one time and he can show me the record of that. I am not sure what that means?? It went from he purposely avoided her to now they had one call, to she doesn’t have a FB to me telling him she does and he has been friends with her since Feb. to today to him saying he is sorry, he promises me that they have not been physical but when I asked him for 30 or 60 days to please stop talking with her so we can get some clear focus, that he will not do that. 

He talks to her everyday (although earlier he said he hasn’t talked to her in days) and how am I to tell him how to progress through his healing through this? He says I have no right to tell him what to do and I say you have no respect for my feelings. I keep hanging on thinking maybe if I stick to the 180 that this will work (and it started to but I messed it up by conversing this morning) but then I am also like should I allow this to continue? Should I take a stand now and say I am filing for divorce? He them blames me for not sticking it out with him during this trying time, that he is again so alone, he is confused about life, etc. and that I must not really care about him at all if I think this relationship with his friend is all there is to set this into motion. I said I understand it is a facet of our relationship and is probably not the reason for him feeling the way he does but it complicates things. What in the world is going on here? Is this midlife crisis? He says it’s 50% me and the other is him trying to figure himself out, he gets teary eyed sometimes but other times he is so cold and mean towards me, he turns everything I say into “I don’t care about him and only care about myself”. Is this because of KD? Or is this midlife crisis with KD? Should I end the trial separation before it begins? I can’t stomach the lies, I can work through the affair, if that is what it is but he will need to come clean and want to work on things as well and he does not want to do that. What choice do I have, do I tell the man I love I am divorcing him or do I try to wait it out? I don’t think I can take another day of this. I feel that the separation is the beginning of the end. 

I've been devoted to him, always raising him up, put my own feelings aside for him, always about him and now he acts like I have done nothing for him and I wonder what have I done to myself in the process?


----------



## Geeky_Guy (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not considering myself an expert here, especially since I'm JUST divorced, but I would say that he lied to you more then once and had an affair, either emotional or physical, he had one. Don't put yourself through it and try to stay positive towards yourself.


----------



## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

You know... it's so easy to get caught up in trying to understand the other person's actions, the 'why' of it all. I completely understand what you're going through, but I have to honestly say you'll never understand why he's making the choices he's making. And, he is lying to you.

I suggest you check out the 180 that people on this board do. It's all about moving on and caring for yourself. 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


----------



## DoubleR (Dec 15, 2011)

Well I told him over lunch that he is making a choice and he is choosing his "friend" over me, that I will be filing for divorce after the holidays. I refuse to play 2nd fiddle, my feelings DO matter, he doesn't get priority over that just because he asked for divorce first! He was po'd at me because I went to "friend" this person on FB (I changed my mind and hit cancel I guess it went through) and she called him freaking out. Why would she be "freaking" out?!! If they were just friends!! He also told me he snooped on my computer and acted disgusted that he found links where I was looking at spy software and researching KD on google. Seriously!! I can't believe this man, I DON'T know this person! Where is MY Joe? 

I told him I have the photos and more and I have forwarded to my friends and family for safekeeping, I said as long as this remains amicable I will not reveal the documents. I wished him happiness and informed him I hope he finds what he is looking for and in the process he realizes what he gave up. I said I hope he was happy with KD and that they deserve each other. I have to move on, I cannot stand by during a "separation" knowing that they are continuing on with their relationship, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.


----------



## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

DoubleR,

I know exactly what you are going through. My wife up and left 8 weeks ago. Found out eventually about the other guy, and she hasn't looked back since.....

I have found out during her absence how addicted I was to her (22 years worth!) and how she was/is addicted to $$!

She has said we are toxic, but I like the word addicts better.

Stay strong and ask for help from your closest friends, family, religion or otherwise. You can make it through this journey, and you will come out the other side a greater person than you ever thought possible! :smthumbup:

Work the 180 as noted by others. Also look up addictive relationships and see if the tag applies...it did for me.

My wife's bubble cracked on Monday when I told her I got myself a lawyer...she proceeded to call him to see if he could represent us both..:rofl: He said NO THANKS!

Her "dream" is coming to an end, your hubbies will as well....just YOU STAY STRONG! Work on YOU!

My prayers are with ya!


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Good for you DoubleR. It sucks so bad to be lied to by the one person who is supposed to always be on your side. You're doing the right thing, and you sound very strong so you will get through the hard times ahead. I too was in the "envied/perfect" relationship as far as my friends were concerned...shock and surprise to all that stbxw strayed, cheated and lied through her teeth. Sorry, but there is much your H is lying to you about...sounds identical to so many stories here, mine included.

Take care of yourself, 180 his a$$ like crazy and go ahead and file. At least you'll leave with his respect. And your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

