# I Thought Things Were Going To Be Different



## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

For the past 11 months I've been with the most amazing woman I've ever had a relationship with. We have the same sense of humor, we are best friends, we are both dedicated parents, she's drop dead gorgeous, fantastic in bed, takes interest in my interests just enough to be able to talk to me about them and hold a conversation. I support her the very same and she feels the same about me. 

Well we've both been married twice. We've both been cheated on (both in our second marriage) and we've both cheated (mine in my first marriage, hers in her second after she found out he cheated). 

Needless to say we have a lot of similarities in our lives that have allowed us to shape similar views.

We both discussed how having an honest, open relationship was what we both wanted from the get go. So we've openly discussed everything. I know her mistakes, she knows mine, and neither of us judges the other.

So last night we were joking about girl on girl **** (she brought it up because we have a mutual friend staying in my house that's female for 3 nights until her apt is ready (my gf's idea)).

This made me bring up something my GF told me quite a while back about her own girl on girl experience. Let me preface by saying I have ZERO desire to be involved in a 3 way with my GF or share or any of that. But it's still hot to picture.

I started asking for the details on her one and only girl on girl experience. She brushed it off as being something she didn't like talking about and said she didn't like talking about it because it always felt awkward. I didn't like this no sharing side because up to this point we've always shared every detail regardless of shame or what not. 

All I knew was it was before me so I didn't pass judgment or anything. So I pressed a bit and in just a few short minute she was revealing the who what and when to me via me guessing my way through it. 

Well turns out this experience (her having sex with another woman), actually happened a week after we made the commitment to each other exclusively. She was very drunk and out of the country on a work/incentive trip. 

At this point I was really hurt. First, because what she did is cheating in my eyes. She made a commitment to me and broke it. The second, and more hurtful thing, was that she's kept it from me all this time because she knew I would be hurt.

My last wife cheated on me and lied to me about gambling and such, so this has hit me very very hard. I love my GF very much but now I'm sitting here with broken trust. When my ex wife cheated I stayed with her for 3 years after thinking I was over it but I never was. I brought it up in fights and what not over the years because honestly I was never able to get over it. 

So now I'm concerned that I'm going to do the same to this girl. It makes me question what else I might not know because she's worried I will be mad (hell when she told me last night I was very calm, collected, and measured). I've straight up asked her and she says there is nothing else. 

I'm just worried this broke us and not sure what to do from here. I was thinking about selling my house next year and getting a place with her. Our kids are like siblings together. Ugh, it has me questioning everything.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Time to tap the brakes a little. If you're enjoying each other's company, keep it up, but don't jump into cohabitation, etc. You obviously know how badly things can end up.

Now, I'm in the extreme minority here in that I wouldn't freak over the girl-girl thing. Maybe that makes me a freak, but its just the way I feel about that. Another man? Totally different reaction.

In the end, she's still too hot wired to settle down it sounds like. Stay loose, try to discern which direction she seems to be heading. The multiple marriages and infidelities are giant red flags, stumbling blocks, etc. Get way on down the road and look for some smooth pavement before you get seriously locked down with her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I agree with Forest.

I think you need to put this in better perspective. She was drunk and had a girl on girl very early in your relationship. I can't put my finger on it, but this seems pretty hot and given the circumstances, OK to let go of. 

I'd cut her some slack.

Also, if she took pics, shoot them to me in a PM and I can maybe give you a better answer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No offense, but I don't trust people who've been married and divorced twice. Not that they're bad people necessarily, but that it's a fair shot that they didn't take time to sit down and figure out either how they helped break up the marriage before moving on to another person, or else picked the wrong person in the first place. In other words, lack of introspection and possibly unwillingness to make changes that would give the next relationship a better chance. 

Note that I'm being vague and not spotlighting you OR her, just people in general. That said, at least for you, it sounds like you didn't do much in the way of coming to terms with your feelings about previous hurts; so how are you supposed to come to THIS relationship in a healthy manner? And I can say that because, quite obviously, you get one little inkling of treachery and you're spinning out of control. 

And that's not even mentioning the elephant in the room, that you AND she are capable of cheating, which puts a whole other spin on things.

IIWY, I'd just take a step back and slow things down a bit. See if you're still madly in love in 2 more years, when the PEA chemicals start fading and lust isn't pushing you into each other's arms any more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So exclusive to you means exclusive, whilst to her it means... what, exactly?:scratchhead:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Also, if she took pics, shoot them to me in a PM and I can maybe give you a better answer.


Put me on the list. What you're saying Buddy is better understood with pictures so we'll have a better perspective of just how serious her offense was.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

She cheated on her husband ,what did you expect my friend ? that she will not cheat on you and just on her poor husband ?
now the real question look how mush time she manage to hide it , do you believe this is her only time ?


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Friends with benefits material only. Start working on detaching. If you are already too emotionally attached, only a clean break will do. Catching "oneitis" with a woman like this will be terminal.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Buddy,
I regret that my interpretation of this incident, based on your post, is not favorable. People make commitments in order to provide a sense of security and permanence to a relationship. Although you and she did not marry, you indicated that a commitment was made. 

Now there may be those that argue that a marriage commitment is all that counts but to me a person's word is binding no matter the venue. Simply put, her's was not.

Additionally, in order for any relationship to be solid there has to be trust and openness. Secrets are not healthy in a relationship because they erode the sense of honesty in the one with secrets. This can spiral into more and more secrets and destroy the union. She started having secrets one week in, this is troubling. What is even more troubling is that both of you have seen this from both sides. She should have a good understanding of how bad this type of behavior can be and yet she seems to have not learned from her past.

The good in this is that you have no legally binding contract with this woman so therefore the emotional trauma is all that has to be dealt with. Do not misunderstand, I know the emotional aspect can be horrific but I am merely stating that custody issues and financial divisions do not apply here. So, my point being that for you to stay is totally an emotional choice for consideration.

You can always just give it some more time and see how your feelings go. You should be able to know in relatively short order how you are going to handle this going forward. Perhaps letting her know how you feel and discussing it may be of some benefit and ease your mind some. Either way I wish you luck.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I would definitely hold off on selling the house and moving in with her. Absolutely what she did is cheating, she knows it was which is why she kept it from you then and continued to for months, you shouldn't have been so calm. You two were in an exclusive committed relationship.

I wouldn't trust what she tells me in regards to how it played out because cheaters tend to minimize and lie about the extent and motivation behind their actions.

The lying, that is what most betrayed partners cannot get over. If the act of cheating itself isn't enough to end a relationship then the lies and lack of remorse or guilt usually do. Trust me, with the right amount of mental gymnastics and rationalizing guilt can be quite easily quelled, making it easier to overcome further questionable behaviour and actions.

She was able to carry on in the relationship normally with either some level of guilt or no guilt at all, which is worrying either way. I have to ask if she seemed remorseful when she told you?

The willful deciet and omission destroys trust. She engaged in sexual activity with another person, kept it from you and you had to practically drag it out of her. 
I think more than anything that that is what hurts and bothers you the most. That she is capable of not only stepping outside your relationship but also lying about it: "All I knew was it was before me" which it wasn't; "and said she didn't like talking about it because it always felt awkward" she didn't like talking about it not because it was awkward but because she cheated on you.

Multiple marriages aren't necesarily huge red flags but infidelity and cheating, especially early in a relationship, definitely are.

Yes woman on woman action is hot as mentioned before but that is not the concern here.

This really does bother you otherwise you wouldn't be here. You said it took you three years to realize that you couldn't get over your wife's affair. You have to be honest with yourself here about whether you trust her now, if this is acceptable to you and something you are able to move past.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ripper said:


> Friends with benefits material only. Start working on detaching. If you are already too emotionally attached, only a clean break will do. Catching "oneitis" with a woman like this will be terminal.


:iagree:

FWB material only, definitely not marriage material. Cheating is cheating, whether it be with the same sex or opposite sex. And this was only a week after you agreed to be exclusive. Put a hold on the living together thing and don't sell your house.

No matter how compatible you think you are, how does that matter if there's already been cheating in the relationship? That's not a foundation to build a future marriage on. And now trust has been broken already. It would be extremely foolish of you to pursue this relationship any farther or deeper.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

crizhayab said:


> I think you need to put this in better perspective. She was drunk and had a girl on girl very early in your relationship.


Really, how can one put it in a better perspective? They were committed in their relationship and she cheated (and he sees it as cheating as well), so it is not a matter of perspective at this point, it is a matter or cheating and lying to cover it up for all of this time (and drinking is no excuse for cheating either).

Would you be saying the same thing if it was with another man? Either poor advice or a poor attempt at humor/sarcasm, but either way poor statement to be made.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

crizhayab said:


> I think you need to put this in better perspective. She was drunk and had a girl on girl very early in your relationship.


Girl on girl, man on girl, man on man.

*It is cheating.*


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Girl on girl, man on girl, man on man.
> 
> *It is cheating.*


Distill this down to it's very essence and it comes out as cheating...cant be any more plain than that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Otoh, Fergie (the singer) was shoocked when she was told sex with a woman was cheating on her husband.

Not sure in your case, can you contact Bill Clinton if this is cheating?

I think the Biblical definition of adultery is intercourse.

We seem to get a lot of ex cheaters being cheated oon, hmmmmmm.

I think she gets a pass on cheating on her ex since he cheated first. My view is the vows are null and void the moment the first spouse cheats.

Why did you cheat on your wife?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crizhayab said:


> I think you need to put this in better perspective. She was drunk and had a girl on girl very early in your relationship.


I agree. If it was a MONTH or two into a committed relationship, sure, blast away. But a week...things are still getting worked out, second guessing, all that stuff. I usually give people a grace period on that first month, just for psychological reasons.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> I agree. If it was a MONTH or two into a committed relationship, sure, blast away. But a week...things are still getting worked out, second guessing, all that stuff. I usually give people a grace period on that first month, just for psychological reasons.


I don't agree. If that was the case then the same should apply and could be applied in many other situations as everything new/ different to a person poses that same big change from the norm, marriage (even if living together for years, M changes things drastically as now a new "truer"/ "deeper" commitment ideal is present in most with new expectations), new job, birth, death. All of these pose huge psychological and/or physical changes and by that ideal we should give them a grace period also to work things out. I don't think it is a fair statement or ideal.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Did she tell you this Nonchalantly? Did she do it to clear her conscience or just throw it out like no big deal? I think that matters. If was the later, she does not think she did anything wrong...run.

I do not think once a cheat, always a cheat. People can change. She has not changed.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Some really good responses here and many of you have mirrored my feelings. Also some have asked questions or simply made statements I would like to address.



imjustwatching said:


> She cheated on her husband ,what did you expect my friend ? that she will not cheat on you and just on her poor husband ?
> now the real question look how mush time she manage to hide it , do you believe this is her only time ?


Yes that is what I expected. I cheated on my first wife around 2004-2006, and never have since. When we divorced I took a long, hard look at myself back then and didn't like the person I had become. I was literally ashamed. 

When talking to my GF about the subject she shared a very similar feeling about her infidelities against her ex husband. She acknowledged that even though she did it because he did, it was wrong and she was very ashamed of herself. While I don't believe a tiger changes it's stripes, her stripes (and mine) didn't include cheating.

As for believing this was her only incident. I want to believe that, and my gut (along with talking with her best friend that knew about it) tells me it was, I do ask myself that very question or one similar (what else don't I really know), because of the lying by omission for so long. In fact that's what bothers me more so than the girl on girl one week in.



NoChoice said:


> Buddy,
> I regret that my interpretation of this incident, based on your post, is not favorable. People make commitments in order to provide a sense of security and permanence to a relationship. Although you and she did not marry, you indicated that a commitment was made.
> 
> Now there may be those that argue that a marriage commitment is all that counts but to me a person's word is binding no matter the venue. Simply put, her's was not.
> ...


I have let her know exactly how I feel and she acknowledges that my feelings are reasonable and understandable as well as making zero excuses for her actions and owning them 100%. Still, though the hurt isn't just going to go away over night.



Locke.Stratos said:


> I would definitely hold off on selling the house and moving in with her. Absolutely what she did is cheating, she knows it was which is why she kept it from you then and continued to for months, you shouldn't have been so calm. You two were in an exclusive committed relationship.
> 
> I wouldn't trust what she tells me in regards to how it played out because cheaters tend to minimize and lie about the extent and motivation behind their actions.
> 
> ...


One thing she didn't do was minimize or excuse away her actions. She acted ashamed and was very submissive.

You're absolutely right about the destruction of trust and that is exactly the issue I am coping with. You're right, this really does bother me, which is why I posted. Her actions aren't acceptable and the course of action I want to take is to simply let my feelings play out. 



Chaparral said:


> Why did you cheat on your wife?


It was my first wife whom I was married to from 2001-2006. I was young, stupid, and scared to leave the comfort of the stability of the relationship. There was no attraction and I didn't feel special, so I acted out and justified it in my mind as ok to **** around. I was absolutely wrong and am ashamed of my actions.



Observer said:


> Did she tell you this Nonchalantly? Did she do it to clear her conscience or just throw it out like no big deal? I think that matters. If was the later, she does not think she did anything wrong...run.
> 
> I do not think once a cheat, always a cheat. People can change. She has not changed.


No, we were involved in a conversation about her girl on girl experience. I pried and pried amongst her uncomfortableness because she brought the subject up and she knows I am not comfortable with secrets in the relationship. She knew I wasn't going to give up so she fed me enough information that I was able to discern who it was with and thus knew exactly when it took place.

Her best friend had already told her to tell me. I could tell she was relieved that I finally knew, but also devastated by the damage she had caused. She very clearly stated she wasn't going to excuse her actions in any way and very openly admitted how wrong she was. 

She's been asking me how she can make things right, to which I have responded that she needs to be 100% truthful. She knows I am upset and isn't pressing me to change that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to therapy together and get some professional insight.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Buddy, 

I sympathize with your situation. 

It seems like you grew out of your own infidelities and I hope thee x that you hurt is doing better. I am glad that you have been remorseful and recovered as well.

A lot of points people bring up.

I agree with Forest in that, to many guys, girl on girl isn't as bad and in fact, most guys, self included, grew up dreaming about threesomes with 2 women. However, Matt is right, cheating is still cheating. 

Further, while girl on girl may seem to be less damaging on the surface, it does expose a weakness in that it opens up the future field of cheating potential to her if she does step out again. She is more susceptable to cheating with a greater range of people. 

I agree with Turnera that I too would be concerned about her part in the 2 divorces. 2 divorces are not a good thing and she had to play some part and the fact that she did cheat rather than simply divorce the guy raises red flags. I disagree with Turnera about the one month thing. Once you guys were exclusive, it means just that, EXCLUSIVE. 

Observer is right about stepping on the brakes as is Forest. It's 11 months. Do not, I repeat Do not make any living commitments until you see how things transpires.

I would not rush my decision about your future here. It may still be workable since it was early and things are very good but you are right to hurt and should be hurting.

Two questions; where does she live now ? I assume with you ? if so, bag the house idea. In doing that, she will know that you still hurt and will take what she did very seriously and it will serve her notice that she is to be responsible. 

Question 2, and I don't mean this to sound perverted or what have you, but just what is her relationship with her friend who you are putting up this week ? 

Take your time and don't commit yourself to a path of destruction. Don't rush things but stay loyal while you test things out and make sure she is life partner material or not


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wmn1 said:


> I disagree with Turnera about the one month thing. Once you guys were exclusive, it means just that, EXCLUSIVE.


It actually was a week after the commitment, not a month, which was my argument. If it had been a month, it would be a dealbreaker for me. One week...not so sure.

Anyway, T/J over. I agree they need to slow down. Date for another year at least before considering moving in together. Don't make it about convenience and money. That has a tendency to mask the real issues.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> It actually was a week after the commitment, not a month, which was my argument. If it had been a month, it would be a dealbreaker for me. One week...not so sure.


Yes, it was a week, but you quoted a month or two as the magic numbers for after which it was inexcusable. Prior to that is was a "transitional" period by your statement and they should be given leeway. Disagree wholeheartedly with this, as wouldn't that mean that when an engagement was proposed, that the parties involved then have a "transitional" period to decide if that is truly what they want, so it should be "excusable" if the same night the engagement is announced that the one party might be having second thoughts and sleeps with an ex to insure this is what they want. Sorry unacceptable in my book and definitely cheating. My $0.02 and worth what everyone paid for it. 

Back to the regularly scheduled programming (although this is related as it is one of the points of contention in the whole issue).


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

wmn1 said:


> I agree with Turnera that I too would be concerned about her part in the 2 divorces. 2 divorces are not a good thing and she had to play some part and the fact that she did cheat rather than simply divorce the guy raises red flags. I disagree with Turnera about the one month thing. Once you guys were exclusive, it means just that, EXCLUSIVE.
> 
> Observer is right about stepping on the brakes as is Forest. It's 11 months. Do not, I repeat Do not make any living commitments until you see how things transpires.
> 
> ...


Divorce 1: The ex, and father of her first child, became physical with her. She exited the relationship in an emergency situation and left with basically the clothes on her back.

Divorce 2: The ex, and father of her second child, cheated on her with a friend, and is a drunk. 

My GF owns her own home in another part of the city, which is about 45 min away from when the home I own is at.

The girl I'm putting up this week was my friend first. I've known her for 8 years. I introduced her to my GF a while back and they have quickly become friends. They have never been and are never alone in my house together. I have zero concerns about them engaging in a relationship if that's what you are getting at.

As for stepping on the brakes, I've done exactly that. I'm no longer trying to move forward with the move. I need all of my feelings to play out before I am ready for that.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I do think 99 percent of cheaters will be repeat offenders. It's pretty risky dating a known cheater. 

Guys dig crazy chicks so it sounds like it's just part of the package. Dump her now or be prepared for more crazy sh1t down the road. 

Your eyes are open now so you have to decide.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> I agree. If it was a MONTH or two into a committed relationship, sure, blast away. But a week...things are still getting worked out, second guessing, all that stuff. I usually give people a grace period on that first month, just for psychological reasons.


Did OP say they had agreed to be exclusive, and it happen a week later? or did I understand that wrong? 

~sammy


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Rugs said:


> I do think 99 percent of cheaters will be repeat offenders. It's pretty risky dating a known cheater.
> 
> Guys dig crazy chicks so it sounds like it's just part of the package. Dump her now or be prepared for more crazy sh1t down the road.
> 
> Your eyes are open now so you have to decide.


Well, being a known cheater myself, I have to disagree with you on that little statistic you came up with. 

She's far from crazy I can tell you that. Probably one of the things that makes this even more difficult.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BuddyL33 said:


> Well, being a known cheater myself, I have to disagree with you on that little statistic you came up with.
> 
> She's far from crazy I can tell you that. Probably one of the things that makes this even more difficult.


Eh, that just means that you're among the 1%.

So far, anyway.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

sammy3 said:


> Did OP say they had agreed to be exclusive, and it happen a week later? or did I understand that wrong?
> 
> ~sammy


I am the OP. I dated her for 2 weeks, then asked her for things to be exclusive, which she agreed to. 

About 3 days later she left on a trip out of town. The girl that went with her went with her, as they both are in the same business (this was an incentive trip for said business). 

They were roommates for this trip, got really drunk one night and had sex.

My GF remembers bits and pieces of the event, enough to remember the middle of the act, but not how it started, who initiated, or what the other girl remembers.

According to my GF, she and the girl have never so much as spoken about the incident and this was my GF's first and only time with another woman.

This happened 11 months ago.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The only way I would be able to look at this matter, is if I were in a same sex relationship, and this took place with an opposite sex member. 

Take out that it was girl/girlthing...

The reality is, you both know the reality of how easy it is to cross the line, it will always be there in front of you, much like a alcoholic is with a bottle. You will always have to be on guard, and be questioning yourself on your ((this)) behavior. 

This is something the ones who have never cheated, or been cheated on, really never have to do normally in their relationships if they are going along well. Non-infidelity people don't live like infidelity people do in a relationship. 

My feelings with that being said, you both now know there is no heaven on earth, so if you can get through what you are facing together knowing what all has changed and go from there,...if you think it is worth continuing 'cuz it is still some what a new relationship, learning from all the experience you have gone though, it may survive.

It's been 11 months for you, and how has it been for you? 

~sammy


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You should ask your girlfriend if she is bisexual. Her lifestyle is wild; while in a business trip, she is drunk and have sex with another woman. She cheated on her husband before. You say that she was submissive and remorseful when she told you about her sex with another woman. I'm a woman. I've heard cheating women say "if you get caught, act remorseful and be submissive". This is an old act. Be sure that she is the woman you want in the long term or you'll have an anxious life.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is going to be against TAM code but here it is....

Why the heck would you continue to press her when she didn't want to talk about it?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

because Sinnister, the truth has to come out at some point, the whole truth. It is not her decision to talk or not talk about it if she wants to stay in this relationship. BTW, I still disagree with the one week statement by Turnera. Yes, I kind of get where you are going with it but exclusive means exclusive


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I am often amazed at the turns that posts take here on TAM. Why press her if she did not want to talk about it. In other words let sleeping dogs "lie", right? Relationships are built on a foundation of truth, without it everything that rests thereon is subject to collapse. Better the weak foundation is discovered sooner rather than later so that dog does not wake at some future time and extract a large portion of flesh from your posterior.

Also a poster mentioned allowing leeway because the agreement was only one week old. Would this apply to marriage vows as well or is it only restricted to outside marriage commitments wherein two parties agree to be exclusive? If the woman was not ready should she not have refused the offer to be exclusive or perhaps asked for more time to contemplate it? At the very least she should have stated a date and time that the agreement were to become binding as most people assume that an arrangement begins when both parties fully concur.

Lastly, OP you mentioned that your GF was not "crazy" but I posit this for consideration. A business trip taken by two female associates, neither of which are known to be gay/bi and one of which just entered into an exclusive agreement with her BF, whereon they both get fall down drunk, have sex and can't even remember most of the event is, by many peoples definition, crazy.

This is very much like a Snickers bar in that any way you slice it, it comes up peanuts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NoChoice said:


> Also a poster mentioned allowing leeway because the agreement was only one week old. Would this apply to marriage vows as well or is it only restricted to outside marriage commitments wherein two parties agree to be exclusive?


Good grief. These people had been dating for TWO weeks. And instantly they were supposed to be psychologically intertwined, in love, sure that this was the one? They had no business even discussing being 'steady' after two weeks, they barely even knew each other. Even after THREE weeks, their minds hadn't had time to catch up to their words. And not to mention she allowed herself to become so inebriated that she can't even remember what happened.

Now, what I am NOT giving her a pass on is not telling him. That's on her, and for that reason only, I'd be questioning things.

But as has also been said, the way OP went about this, digging and digging until he got what he wanted...not all that flattering, either.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Good grief. These people had been dating for TWO weeks. And instantly they were supposed to be psychologically intertwined, in love, sure that this was the one? They had no business even discussing being 'steady' after two weeks, they barely even knew each other. Even after THREE weeks, their minds hadn't had time to catch up to their words. And not to mention she allowed herself to become so inebriated that she can't even remember what happened.
> 
> Now, what I am NOT giving her a pass on is not telling him. That's on her, and for that reason only, I'd be questioning things.
> 
> But as has also been said, the way OP went about this, digging and digging until he got what he wanted...not all that flattering, either.



You made that statement prior to knowing how long they had been together and based solely upon the OPs statement about them having been "committed" for only a week. This is what has gotten everyone upset, as a commitment is a commitment and no grace period exists nor should be given like you have suggested by your statement. Your statement was made predicated with the thought that they were new to commitment and not new to a relationship, two totally different things.

I agree that given this newly revealed information, they were too new to have been suggesting commitment at that point, but your arguments to defend your statement are based upon information not available or presented originally and still have no bearing on the way in which you presented your statement originally.

Also she needs no pass for her actions and her behaviors to hide the information and to do the deed as before you seemed to excuse her since it was new in the commitment.

Stop picking on the male here yet again. Digging and prying aren't necessarily as involved as a constant badgering regarding this situation would be. If you know someone is lying you are going to probe deeper to get the truth and should be allowed as long as it isn't done in a hurtful and demeaning way.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

wmn1 said:


> because Sinnister, the truth has to come out at some point, the whole truth. It is not her decision to talk or not talk about it if she wants to stay in this relationship. BTW, I still disagree with the one week statement by Turnera. Yes, I kind of get where you are going with it but exclusive means exclusive


You're right of course. It just that it wouldn't bother me that much if we weren't actually married.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Are we to say then that entering into any agreement has to have a caveat that the person entering into the agreement may not be ready to do so? Does that not effectively nullify every agreement? If a person is not ready to enter into an agreement then when asked do they wish to be in an exclusive relationship they should answer no. Yes implies that they have given it thought, they have weighed the pros and cons and they are ready, does it not?

I wholeheartedly concur that 2 weeks is not sufficient time to select a realtor, much less an exclusive romantic partner, so the appropriate answer to the question of exclusivity should have been no. Once yes was the answer then the full weight and responsibility of that station should be expected and purveyed.

If someone is not forthcoming with the truth, how can it be uncovered without digging?

These are all my opinions only but I do believe they represent how most people would feel in a situation wherein commitment was agreed to.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> Good grief. These people had been dating for TWO weeks. And instantly they were supposed to be psychologically intertwined, in love, sure that this was the one? They had no business even discussing being 'steady' after two weeks, they barely even knew each other. Even after THREE weeks, their minds hadn't had time to catch up to their words. And not to mention she allowed herself to become so inebriated that she can't even remember what happened.
> 
> Now, what I am NOT giving her a pass on is not telling him. That's on her, and for that reason only, I'd be questioning things.
> 
> But as has also been said, the way OP went about this, digging and digging until he got what he wanted...not all that flattering, either.


This is what I mean. Essentially it amounted to going steady....I couldn't imagine holding an adult to any kind of commitment standard after such a short period of time of dating.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

sinnister said:


> This is what I mean. Essentially it amounted to going steady....I couldn't imagine holding an adult to any kind of commitment standard after such a short period of time of dating.


I could not either...Unless I specifically asked them and they specifically agreed.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

sinnister said:


> This is what I mean. Essentially it amounted to going steady....I couldn't imagine holding an adult to any kind of commitment standard after such a short period of time of dating.


I agree and agree with No Choice, if you didn't and couldn't hold them to it, then don't ask, and if they couldn't and didn't want to be committed, then don't agree. These are willing choices, made by consenting adults (the key word here is adults, as these are not teens we are discussing either) that have both been in failing marriages and relationships, and this was their choice made. Does that not hold any merit (and I still argue the point that we never knew the extent of the prior dating length to the commitment when this stamen was made. At some point people must be held accountable).


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> I agree and agree with No Choice, if you didn't and couldn't hold them to it, then don't ask, and if they couldn't and didn't want to be committed, then don't agree. These are willing choices, made by consenting adults (the key word here is adults, as these are not teens we are discussing either) that have both been in failing marriages and relationships, and this was their choice made. Does that not hold any merit (and I still argue the point that we never knew the extent of the prior dating length to the commitment when this stamen was made. At some point people must be held accountable).


Right. As I see it, once the question was asked it was no longer about the length of time in the relationship nor the relationship at all. At that point it became about giving one's word to another person and the obligation to be true to that word. At that point, the subject matter was irrelevant.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

sammy3 said:


> The only way I would be able to look at this matter, is if I were in a same sex relationship, and this took place with an opposite sex member.
> 
> Take out that it was girl/girlthing...
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I would compare cheating to being an alcoholic. One is a physical addiction the other choices. I don't worry about myself cheating with anyone else. Hell I had a super hot girl in my house for a week and it never so much as crossed my mind. 

As for your question about the last 11 months, things have been absolutely fantastic. It's honestly lived up to the expectations of the relationship I've always wanted. I know she feels the same.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Buddy,
So how are you feeling about it all?

In reality, 2 weeks was an unusually brief period to expect a decision of such importance to be made with any certainty. It is somewhat surprising that you would ask so soon. May I inquire as to why you did?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

BuddyL33 said:


> I'm not sure I would compare cheating to being an alcoholic. One is a physical addiction the other choices. I don't worry about myself cheating with anyone else.


Not really fair, as if you were a sex addict you might not be able to fight the urges either. Officially this is the classification of alcoholism (it is a mental disorder officially):

Alcoholism is classified as a substance abuse disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III). Mental and emotional symptoms of alcoholism exist long before the grave physical complications of the disease appear


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If she committed willingly then the clock starts clicking from that moment on. She should have declined to be exclusive if she wanted to get drunk sex with women out of her system. She cheated twice in two different relationships. The excuses are immaterial, her character and moral code are. 

Now you know her better than you did before OP. That's what dating is all about, pealing off the layers of the public persona and getting to the core of a person. How do you like her, can you trust her? Have you reached the core yet? 

My advice, don't buy a house with her. Remember, you are still in the trail period. If you don't like what you discover, determine if its important to you and the relationship. If not, move on. Take all data into consideration.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

If my girlfriend did something bad enough to make me post in an infidelity forum, that's the writing on the wall.

She cheated and she stayed schtum about it...commence to running


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

BuddyL33 said:


> As for your question about the last 11 months, things have been absolutely fantastic. It's honestly lived up to the expectations of the relationship I've always wanted. I know she feels the same.


This is what would concern me, that you two could have an fantastic relationship for several months and all the while she was hiding a secret.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I agree with all who said that committed is committed and it started the day both sides agreed to it. Anything after that is cheating.

I winder how Buddy is going ?


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