# 16 years and still no trust



## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

16 years of marriage and I still have to prove myself to my wife. I admit, the first 5 years were rough and there were some serious communication issues, but we have gotten past that...or so I thought. So here we are, 16 years into our marriage and she turns into a detective on FB when she sees a name she doesn't know. When I explain to her who the person is, she continues to dig and not believe what she sees even though what I tell her is true and everything she finds supports that truth. It seems to me that she is looking for a reason to be upset or she just doesn't trust me. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Oh, and by the way, I have tried to talk about it several times and we always end up back where we are.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frustrated1971 said:


> 16 years of marriage and I still have to prove myself to my wife. I admit, the first 5 years were rough and there were some serious communication issues, but we have gotten past that...or so I thought. So here we are, 16 years into our marriage and she turns into a detective on FB when she sees a name she doesn't know. When I explain to her who the person is, she continues to dig and not believe what she sees even though what I tell her is true and everything she finds supports that truth. It seems to me that she is looking for a reason to be upset or she just doesn't trust me. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Oh, and by the way, I have tried to talk about it several times and we always end up back where we are.


Unless she has always been an over the top suspicious person this shouldn't be this way for 16 year unless you cheated. Did you?


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

Never cheated while we were married. When we were dating I did, but since we took our vows, no.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Sorry, but whether or not you want that to "count" you gave your wife a reason not to trust you. Is she hasn't been like this all along, something recently must have triggered her.

What did you mean be "serious communication issues?" 

Did you go to counseling to work on that? Did you ever go to counseling to discuss the cheating?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Cheating before marriage counts too. She was still cheated on.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

frustrated1971 said:


> Never cheated while we were married. When we were dating I did, but since we took our vows, no.


Some people never get over being cheated on. Especially if there are other behaviors that continue to trigger them.

For example, are you flirtatious with other women, or constantly checking them out in public? Do you hide your phone from her, are you always immersed in your phone, or never let it leave your sight? Are you one of those guys who is always giving rides to women from work or "helping" them with something? Do you frequently add new women friends to FB? Do you work in an industry where there is a lot of cheating, or you do a lot of business travel? Do you spend a lot of time away from home without her? 

Do you two spend romantic time together? Do you have enough alone time to connect emotionally regularly? Do you do what you say you'll do, or are there often broken promises? Do you laugh together frequently? Do you fight frequently?

All of that, and much more, plays a role in maintaining trust. Maintaining trust is a constant effort - trust doesn't stay static, and it is highly dependent on the state of the relationship.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

frustrated1971, I see you are new to this forum. Welcome. 

We generally only hear one side on this forum, so people will dig a little to get an overall picture. Do not take it amiss if possible.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you did not R completely from your infidelity then she will never fully trust you and recover. You revealed that it was before marriage as if it did not count. At the time that you cheated you were in an exclusive committed relationship, no? Just like you are now. You may be minimizing the pain and humiliation she felt and you may not have helped her through the it in a sincere and sustained manner. 

Read about reconciliation and atonement and start over again. For her, the cheating took place yesterday and she lives it over and over when she has a trigger, like an unknown FB friends. 

Is it necessary for you to get into situations that you know will trigger her suspicions? With your history of deception, don't you think you should avoid any hint of deception now? She is crying out for your help and attention to her pain. 

Don't be defensive or insensitive or blind if you love your wife. Step into to her shoes, how would you feel if she cheated on you? It is possible you know. She could be vulnerable to some guy that appears to be sensitive to her needs and seems to validate that she matters. 

Better let her know now how important she is to you and that you realize how much pain you caused her by cheating, even though it was a long time ago. Make it right and R properly now.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If she didn't get over it in 16 years....she isn't going to.


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## lmtosf (Jul 28, 2014)

I would not be too hard on her if most everything else is good in the marriage. I admit I am like this with my wife, she gets mad that I don't trust her 100% but I am just not the super trusting faith type person and I never will be I guess. I generally need a little investigation, nothing over the top, to support what she is saying on certain things (like wanting to see her texts to other guys she texts with to make sure they are just being friends, the most common issue with us). 

I am sure it annoys you because you really do know the truth, but if other things are good in the marriage, I would just let her do her thing because that will satisfy her on the issue.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

All very good points and very good advice. Thank you. We did go to marriage counseling several years ago to work out some of your problems. In my mind, we were moving in a positive direction. I do believe, as mentioned above, there is still resentment about what happened over 16 years ago. I can't change the past so all I can do is try to open up healthy conversation about what bothers her and discuss it. Needless to say, I am not the same person I was back then. We all grow over time. But, if we are going to continue to grow together, she will have to let what happened in the past go. I am not saying she has to forget it, but forgive and move on.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Get rid of the Facebook or make up a joint account. It's really not worth the trouble it brings. 
She should have let it go before she said I do.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I am a woman and ongoing 35 years married. You need to give her all the passwords to your accounts and let your accounts be open for her to view. I've never cheated on my husband nor he to me, but our accounts are transparent to each other. 

She may get over your difficult times, but she may also remember the details. To give her peace of mind, give her access to everything. Don't be defensive. Explain if you need to. In time, she will let the bad memories fade. As of this time, she's not yet there. 

Save your marriage and let her feel secure. Make new fun memories to remember. In time, your good memories will far outweight your bad ones. You must be patient.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you know what you are doing. The repeated FB stuff - you know that these things trigger her but you continue to do them. You pretend innocence, you know what happens when you do the FB trick, right? How many times do you need to play this cruel game and why? 

Has she done anything to deserve bad treatment. She has been faithful to you, bore your children, made a home with you, provided companionship? If you were not getting something out of the relationship, you would have been gone, am I right? 

Your wife ask a little thing from you, to be consistent in reassuring her and to avoid doing things to provoke her. That's all she ask. Why can't you give her all of the reassurances that she needs from you? Have you any empathy or compassion for your wife? Do you love her? 

BTW, I don't like your avatar. It says it all. Why should you be angry? You really need to think about who you are and what you want to be. Be grateful for what you have. Many men don't have a faithful wife who are focussed on their family. 

Are you really any different than you were 16 years ago? You were deceptive and selfish then, like all cheats. Now you won't give a woman who accepted you in spite of your selfishness, the one little thing that she ask of you. Instead, you covertly trigger and destabilize her needlessly and profess innocence. Is that not as cruel and deceptive. Your words say you are different but your actions may say otherwise.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think NoraJane's post is excellent. How about you answer some of the questions she asked.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

Catherine602. There are no facebook games being played. Nothing is being done intentionally. She has complete access to my facebook which is why when she sees someone she doesn't know, she gets riled up. I use my facebook to stay in touch with highschool classmates and to keep up with family. I can guarantee that this is not something I am doing intentionally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Most people who have been cheated on never really get over it. Every so often they have a bit of a panic attack. The best way to reassure them is to just let them snoop. Answer questions, etc.

Saying things like she should get over it , etc will only serve to reinforce that something is wrong to her.

This is about her, not you. You broke something in her when you cheated. Just help her work through when it happens.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Unintentionally means you do it once and then stop if it is upsetting the person you care about. When you do it a second time, it's intentional, isn't that right? That means you know what will happen but you don't care, right? 

Do you keep up with old gf and girls that you knew? You have every right to do so. Your an independent man. Do as you please, even if it hurts your wife. That freedom to keep up with HS friends, if that what bothers her, may be more important than your wife's feelings and the stability of your marriage and your children lives. It depends on your priorities. 

I think my family and my intimate relationship is far more precious than doing anything that upsets my husband. He is the same. I respect and love him even more. He is man enough to compromise on things that he would normally do if I were not with him. He does not seem to need to defy me just because I am his wife. 

Maybe you really can't see things from another person point of view. You don't have to experience the hurt your wife feels but you can put yourself in her shoes. Why don't you try it. What would you want her to do for you? 

Wait a sec, you are asking her not to bother you with her anxieties due to your behavior. You go first. Stop the behavior on FB. If you can't do that then you have your answer. You can't do for her what you want her to do for you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW - she would not get so upset if she did not care about and love you. That is something to think about too. How do you return her love? Indifference?

When she becomes indifferent to your concerns and needs, then worry.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

Wow. Shifty behavior. I did not know staying in touch with old classmates is considered shifty behavior. As for what I would expect her to do if it was me....I would expect her to talk about it as I have tried to do with her. I don't think you understand the situation or you choose not to. I am not doing anything nefarious in my action on facebook. The problem is when there is a question, rather than asking and discussing, she gets upset. I have tried to talk, to explain, to reassure, you name it. So to insinuate that I am intentionally being callous and malicious is as far from the truth as Pluto is from Earth. I have never asked her "not to bother me with her anxieties", actually I have tried to get her to talk about them. Now, if that is being shifty, then yes, I am guilty.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

But your perspective is different, you've not been cheated on by her. That's why you should consider that things which are completely innocent to you, because you know your intentions, may not appear this way to your wife. I like Facebook too but is keeping up with high school friends really worth upsetting your wife? What about some of the other questions asked here..... are you flirty with other women? Do you still court your wife? The problem is that even though your infidelities were before marriage you demonstrated that you have it in you to be deceptive, so normally benign things will send up red flags. What does your wife say she needs from you, and what's the issue with simply telling her who someone is? Better yet, why don't you offer to shut down facebook..... if you offer she might not even take you up on it once she knows you'd do it. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that if she's still hypervigilant adyer 16 years it's because she never got what she neefed from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Was the person you cheated with someone you had as a friend on Facebook?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Was the person you cheated with someone you had as a friend on Facebook?


And was she a high school friend?


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

lifestooshort. You may be correct. There must be something that she needs that I am not providing. As for my behavior, I am not flirtation with other women. You are correct in your statement that she has seen that I am capable of cheating from the incident before our marriage, but my question is do I spend the rest of my life making up for something that happened in the past? I understand that she was hurt and I know that apologizing just doesn't cut the mustard. This much we have talked about. But, are you saying that I spend the rest of our life making up for something that happened so long ago. How can you focus on the future when you are constantly living according to what happen in the past. I am not dismissing what happened over 16 years ago, but I can not go back in time and change it. As for shutting down FB, I did offer and she said "no", so I have tried that. I have even cut off frequent communication with my family because she did not get along with one of my sisters. I can not say the same for her when her relatives and I did not disagree. But that is neither here nor there. I have cut off long time friendships with people I have known for over 25 years because she did not feel comfortable with me talking to them. I have even ostracized co-workers because she did not feel comfortable around them. I am not trying to sound like a victim, I just want to know when does someone decide to move forward and stop looking backwards.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

She and I did not meet until we were adults.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

frustrated1971 said:


> Wow. Shifty behavior. I did not know staying in touch with old classmates is considered shifty behavior. As for what I would expect her to do if it was me....I would expect her to talk about it as I have tried to do with her. I don't think you understand the situation or you choose not to. I am not doing anything nefarious in my action on facebook. The problem is when there is a question, rather than asking and discussing, she gets upset. I have tried to talk, to explain, to reassure, you name it. So to insinuate that I am intentionally being callous and malicious is as far from the truth as Pluto is from Earth. I have never asked her "not to bother me with her anxieties", actually I have tried to get her to talk about them. Now, if that is being shifty, then yes, I am guilty.


I took out the shifty, you are right. I have no cause to characterize your actions like that. 

You are skirting around the issue. I hope you are thinking though. 

There is something that you are doing that upsets her. You talk about it with her. You know what you are doing because you talk about it repeatedly. You said so yourself. Why let it happen in the first place? What is there to talk about and explain unless you are doing the same thing that needs explaining. 

I have a tendency to get so wrapped up in what I am doing that I don't keep in touch with my husband as he prefers. He gets really upset. I make sure to have a reminder to call him now. I could continue to not call him because I don't think he needs to worry and then explain that I was looking at the new iPad's. We could talk about it every time it happens. 

I may even get to like upsetting him and then talking about it. I doubt it though. I like a harmonious relationship and a safe harbor for a home. How much do you want to solve this so that you and your wife become team mates and pull together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frustrated1971 said:


> Wow. Shifty behavior. I did not know staying in touch with old classmates is considered shifty behavior.


You have apparently not been on forums like TAM for long. Most men would absolutely hit the ceiling if their wife kept in contact with male friends on Facebook or any social media. So if most men do, is it really surprising that women do?

Today, at least 20% of divorces involve affairs that start and are carried out on Facebook. Most of these are between people from each other's past.

80% of divorce attorneys say that the numbers of these kinds of affairs are growing rapidly.

What makes places like Facebook such a hotbed for affairs is that it's a seemingly innocent environment. So people let their guard down and they get sucked into an affair. 

Your wife, any spouse, has every right to be concerned about what goes on in social media.





frustrated1971 said:


> As for what I would expect her to do if it was me....I would expect her to talk about it as I have tried to do with her. I don't think you understand the situation or you choose not to. I am not doing anything nefarious in my action on facebook. The problem is when there is a question, rather than asking and discussing, she gets upset.


Your wife does not completely trust you. She has good reason. Sure you say you have not cheated in 16 years. But you did cheat 16 years ago. And every so often she has a panic attack and then finds something of concern. 

I'll bet that your wife is completely aware that more affairs now start in Facebook than start at pickup bars.



frustrated1971 said:


> I have tried to talk, to explain, to reassure, you name it. So to insinuate that I am intentionally being callous and malicious is as far from the truth as Pluto is from Earth. I have never asked her "not to bother me with her anxieties", actually I have tried to get her to talk about them. Now, if that is being shifty, then yes, I am guilty.


If you want her to feel 100% safe , you need to stop any communication with women on facebook.

I am getting the feeling that this is not the only problem in your marriage and that the other problems are making this worse.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, jus the two of you, doing date-like things where you concentrate on each other?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frustrated1971 said:


> She and I did not meet until we were adults.


what was the relationship with this woman? Co-worker? old girl fiend? ??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frustrated1971 said:


> lifestooshort. You may be correct. There must be something that she needs that I am not providing. As for my behavior, I am not flirtation with other women. You are correct in your statement that she has seen that I am capable of cheating from the incident before our marriage, but my question is do I spend the rest of my life making up for something that happened in the past? I understand that she was hurt and I know that apologizing just doesn't cut the mustard. This much we have talked about. But, are you saying that I spend the rest of our life making up for something that happened so long ago. How can you focus on the future when you are constantly living according to what happen in the past. I am not dismissing what happened over 16 years ago, but I can not go back in time and change it. As for shutting down FB, I did offer and she said "no", so I have tried that. I have even cut off frequent communication with my family because she did not get along with one of my sisters. I can not say the same for her when her relatives and I did not disagree. But that is neither here nor there. I have cut off long time friendships with people I have known for over 25 years because she did not feel comfortable with me talking to them. I have even ostracized co-workers because she did not feel comfortable around them. I am not trying to sound like a victim, I just want to know when does someone decide to move forward and stop looking backwards.


So now the issue is bigger. Not just random women you know who you communicate with on facebook. Now she has been cutting you off from everyone.

Why are you fighting for your FB friendship with this woman more than you fight for the relationships with your family?

Was anyone in your family openly attacking your wife? Were they mean to her?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you have gotten into a habit of letting her insecurities rule your lives. She doesn't like someone, you cut them off. Now this will happen generally throughout our lives. We like harmony at home, however, if it happens too much, when one person is always giving in, shutting other people out etc, to make their spouse happy, it is unbalanced.

Now, every new contact is one she feels she needs to make a decision on, should they stay or should they go, and you are merely the spectator to her decisions.

DH cut off his mother because of something she did to me. I did not ask this of him. I was supportive of him maintaining contact if he wanted to. In your case, it seems like she is dictating to you who you are allowed to be in contact with. It should always be your choice. You did indeed have a choice to continue contact with some of those people, however, I'm guessing there would've been consequences to your marriage if you made that choice? Therefore, it's not a choice you made freely.

I don't like that you once cheated on her, but she chose to stay with you, she chose to marry you. Your past behaviour should therefore not be used as an excuse to treat you as a child in your relationship.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

EleGirl. What woman are you referring to. My wife and I met when we were adults. As for the friends on facebook, my classmates are both male and female. As I stated earlier, she has access to my facebook and sees everything I do, so there is no "affair" going on within the social media medium. As for how much time we spend together for date-time, not much. Most of time when we are home we are taking care of the kids and stuff around the house. For the record, she does keep in touch with her highschool friends and some of them are male.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

frustrated1971 said:


> lifestooshort. You may be correct. There must be something that she needs that I am not providing. As for my behavior, I am not flirtation with other women. You are correct in your statement that she has seen that I am capable of cheating from the incident before our marriage, but my question is do I spend the rest of my life making up for something that happened in the past? I understand that she was hurt and I know that apologizing just doesn't cut the mustard. This much we have talked about. But, are you saying that I spend the rest of our life making up for something that happened so long ago. How can you focus on the future when you are constantly living according to what happen in the past. I am not dismissing what happened over 16 years ago, but I can not go back in time and change it. As for shutting down FB, I did offer and she said "no", so I have tried that. I have even cut off frequent communication with my family because she did not get along with one of my sisters. I can not say the same for her when her relatives and I did not disagree. But that is neither here nor there. I have cut off long time friendships with people I have known for over 25 years because she did not feel comfortable with me talking to them. I have even ostracized co-workers because she did not feel comfortable around them. I am not trying to sound like a victim, I just want to know when does someone decide to move forward and stop looking backwards.


You didn't say at first that the problem was so wide spread. It is not confined to FB friends. I think you need professional help to resolve this. She has to decide if she wants to work on trusting you again and to avoid social isolation. 

Did you cheat repeatedly and did your family know. What were the circumstances? Did any of them hide your secret. There is much you don't say so its hard to tell. You tell it like it's all her. Have you been even inadvertently inappropriate with friends or coworkers so that it makes her not trust you. 

The fact that things happened 16 yrs ago is really immaterial if they are still alive and kicking around in your relationship now. You need help to excise the ghosts. Your wife needs help to figure out if she can live the way she is for the rest of her life. If your behavior is repeatedly disturbing she may be better not being with you for her piece of mind. 

What are you doing that needs explaining so much? There are many poster who have misrepresented what is really happening in their relationship. The spouse finds the account and gives their perspective and it is often very different.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

Another point to be made. My family (father, mother, sisters) mean the world to me. One of my sisters was mean to her and I have cut off communication with her over that. I confronted my sister when after it happened and she apologized to my wife, but my wife said she did not think the apology was genuine. So, in cutting off communication with my sister, I have hurt my mother because now the family is fractured. Before any of you go into anything about my mother....tread lightly. As for fighting for FB contact with some woman, I never said I was fighting for FB contact with some woman. The whole situation started because a woman, who is a friend of the family, posted a picture of snow in her back yard on my page. When my wife asked me who she was I did not recognize the name because she has re-married. When I found out it was a family friend, I explained that to her but that was not enough. So from what I can gather, some of you are recommending that I get rid of my FB, I stop communicating with all my co-workers and associates and stop communicating with my family. Because of something I did over 16 years ago I now must cut out everything and everyone in my life but her. Is that what you recommend? If so, then let me ask you...is that what you do for your spouse or is that what you expect them to do for you.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

My family did not know about me cheating prior to our marriage. As a matter of fact, when they found out, they all chastised me, as they should have.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

So what do you want to do? You feel that you paid your penance for cheating on her on the basis of time and 16 years of purgatory. I don't think she will change without some insight on her part about why she can't trust you and why she wants to isolate you. 

There must be other problems in the relationship. Are you in general unhappy in the relationship, is she? What is your quality of life in other respects? 

How old are your children? Do you feel that she loves and is attracted to you? How about you for her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frustrated1971 said:


> EleGirl. What woman are you referring to. My wife and I met when we were adults. As for the friends on facebook, my classmates are both male and female. As I stated earlier, she has access to my facebook and sees everything I do, so there is no "affair" going on within the social media medium. ……. For the record, she does keep in touch with her highschool friends and some of them are male.


I meant what was the relationship with this friend on facebook. Was she just a friend on college? A co-worker somewhere? Did you date her at any time?

By the way, your avatar has on influence on how your posts are interpreted. So they come off as angry, probably angrier than you intended. I think people are subconsciously reacting to the avatar.

Now that you have told us more…

I can understand your wife having panic attacks once in a while. But it seems this is more than panic attacks based on a 16 year old affair.

One thing that is obvious is that you have allowed your wife to intimidate you into who you do and do not keep in contact with. If a person attacked your wife verbally, it makes sense that you would put her first and end contact with that person. But short of that, it’s not approprieate for her to expect you to end contact with family, friends and coworkers because she wants to pick your associations. 
But you have trained her how to treat you. You are apparently afraid of her anger so you give in to smooth things over. How has that been working out for you? You need get family and friends back in your life and stand up to your wife about this. You are going to need a strategic plan to do this and you are doing to need to not fear her anger over it.

About the Facebook friend(s). I agree that she decided to marry you so she accepted you knowing about the cheating. She should not be beating you up over it 16 years later. But you also need to realize that she probably has panic attacks. So there is a balance here.

However, out of all of what you have told us, the most critical thing seems to be the on your are concerned the least about.


frustrated1971 said:


> As for how much time we spend together for date-time, not much. Most of time when we are home we are taking care of the kids and stuff around the house.


The two of you are seriously neglecting your relationship. You have both allowed the love and passion to die. It’s either almost gone or very close to death. Do you know what happens when a couple neglects their relationship for a long period of time? Exactly what you are experiencing: anger, distrust, annoyance, and on and on with negativity.

What I suggest is that for a while concentrate on rebuilding your relationship. The goal is to rebuild your bond. There are some books that can help you quite a bit: “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”.


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## frustrated1971 (Dec 27, 2014)

I don't think he attraction is there like it used to be. We have not been intimate in over 2 months. I don't she is attracted to me like she used to be and I know the attraction I had for her has begun to fade. The kids are in their early teens so they can do a lot on their own. Between taking the kids to what ever event they are in, doing laundry, helping with homework and keeping the house clean both she and I barely have time to look at each other after work. Yes, both she and I work. As for happiness, I am happy as long as the kids are happy and healthy. I do worry what will happen when they leave the house.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can't imagine that your wife likes living like this. It's emotionally exhausting to police someone like this. Your wife hasn't gotten what she needed to put this behind her, maybe more mc can figure out what that is. 

I'll tell you a little secret of mine: my hb did something very shifty involving his ex wife about 5 years ago (no, it wasn't an affair). To this day I'm not over it..... he thinks I am because he's basically refused to deal with it. Maybe he doesn't know how, and I don't think it's something he'd do now, but the last time it came up he said he was sorry and stomped off. I don't think he's been completely open about it and I've never gotten what I needed to move on, and the little bit I've gotten I've had to drag out of him. Because it's not affair related and i haven't seen any other shifty behavior I've chosen not to bring it up again, but I'm hypersensitive regarding his ex and her family, partly because of this and partly because I feel he's had poor boundaries. 

Were you completely open about your cheating? Did you trickle truth her? Things like that can contribute to an atmosphere of suspicion. Find out what she needs to put this behind her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

This is the thing, your wife has to feel your sincerity and see with her own eyes/ hear from your own mouth that you are not the same person. If she feels you are the lack of trust remains, especially if you routinely lied to her in the past.

My husband and I are in the same boat. Lots of lies and poor behavior which I was trying to address but he was not admitting to for years. He confesses and comes clean finally and for him perhaps that was his beginning but how am I supposed to trust? You see? He does not tell me how he screwed up and that he can see that now. He doesn't act any different. He still has a lustful eye for the ladies, eh is still up late on the computer, he does not share information or tell me what is going on in his head (his thoughts) so how is it different from before??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frustrated1971 said:


> Another point to be made. My family (father, mother, sisters) mean the world to me. One of my sisters was mean to her and I have cut off communication with her over that. I confronted my sister when after it happened and she apologized to my wife, but my wife said she did not think the apology was genuine. So, in cutting off communication with my sister, I have hurt my mother because now the family is fractured. Before any of you go into anything about my mother....tread lightly. As for fighting for FB contact with some woman, I never said I was fighting for FB contact with some woman. The whole situation started because a woman, who is a friend of the family, posted a picture of snow in her back yard on my page. When my wife asked me who she was I did not recognize the name because she has re-married. When I found out it was a family friend, I explained that to her but that was not enough. *So from what I can gather, some of you are recommending that I get rid of my FB, I stop communicating with all my co-workers and associates and stop communicating with my family. Because of something I did over 16 years ago I now must cut out everything and everyone in my life but her. * Is that what you recommend? If so, then let me ask you...is that what you do for your spouse or is that what you expect them to do for you.


No it's not what was recommended.

When you first posted you said that this was about a female friend on facebook. That it had happened before when you have had female friends on facebook.

You gave a very isolated definition of the issue. You did not mention your family, co workers, etc.

You told us that the woman was a friend from college. Now you said she is a family friend.

After all that it's clear that your wife is very controlling.

If it was one or two women on facebook for 16 years, that what's the big deal bout them vs your wife? Choose your wife. 

But now that the story is that your wife is hostile to anyone but herself and her family.. you have a different problem .

You have a controlling wife who you have given into for 16 years. And now you are pissed because you have cut almost everyone out of your life. 

So you need to find a way to teach her that she cannot control your friends and family, within proper bounds. 

Don't get pissed at people for giving input based on your incomplete story. We can only respond to what you tell us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frustrated1971 said:


> I don't think he attraction is there like it used to be. We have not been intimate in over 2 months. I don't she is attracted to me like she used to be and I know the attraction I had for her has begun to fade. The kids are in their early teens so they can do a lot on their own. Between taking the kids to what ever event they are in, doing laundry, helping with homework and keeping the house clean both she and I barely have time to look at each other after work. Yes, both she and I work. As for happiness, I am happy as long as the kids are happy and healthy. I do worry what will happen when they leave the house.


The state of your marriage is predictable. This is what happens when a couple puts everything else before their own relationship.

The love, bond and passion in a marriage is nurtured by intimacy... not just sexual intimacy but emotional intimacy . A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a day together, just the two of them, doing date-like things. If hey do not, the love and passion die.

Your wife's insecurity and lack of trust of you can be traced to the growing distance between you. When the oxytocin and dopamine levels fall in a person, they come become harsh, jealous, remember every tiny wrong doing, unloving. When a woman's oxytocin level falls below a certain point, she cannot stand to be touched, or be sexual. 

This is where the two of you are at.

How do they get it back? Start spending that time together. 

If you want to fix your marriage and fall in love again, get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them with her and do the work. Love, passion and intimacy and be rebuilt this way.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

EleGirl has a point but I would like to mention spending time together is one thing but actually meeting her emotional needs are quite another. If you think sitting with her and talking is about talking about your day at work that does nothing to reach the emotional needs your wife has. She needs emotional connection. She needs to hear what comes from your heart, she needs your support and understanding. If you see her as angry and demanding then it might be hard to sympathize with her. Is she really angry and demanding or has she become this way from not having her emotional needs met by her husband?

Try to see life from her point of view. Okay, you think your wife and mother are great but that doesn't mean she will and if she feels upset or insulted by things they have done and said then you need to realize she is being honest with you about her feelings rather than seeing it that you gave up your relationship with them to please her. You see the difference. If you feel you gave up the relationship with family for your wife then that causes hard feelings on your part. Understand your wife, understand what she feels. What she tells you she is feeling is her real feelings but if you slight them it will cause you emotional separation.

I have a great book suggestion for you and your wife, "Secrets of a Happily Married Man, " by Scott Haltzman.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

You haven't said much about the circumstances of your affair, so we're forced to speculate a little. 

If you lied to her while the affair was happened, that could cause some of this mistrust. For example, if you told her you were not cheating, and she later found out that was a lie, she will remember that now when you say you're not cheating. 

If you lied to her, you taught her not to trust your words. Which would explain why, when she gets upset over something you're doing, she doesn't want to talk about it. She wants to check your actions. 

If she's an insecure person anyway, she might take this to an extreme. And if you guys don't have a very good emotional connection right now, she's probably feeling very insecure, and also wondering more than usual if you're looking for that connection elsewhere.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Some people will never forgive thier cheater. I'm one of them. I recognize that about myself and because of this wouldn't take my x wife back. Trust is everything to me. Sounds like your wife tried to make a go at forgiving and moving on but can't. Can't blame her but it's sad she has wasted so many years


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> EleGirl has a point but I would like to mention *spending time together is one thing but actually meeting her emotional needs are quite another*. If you think sitting with her and talking is about talking about your day at work that does nothing to reach the emotional needs your wife has. She needs emotional connection. She needs to hear what comes from your heart, she needs your support and understanding. If you see her as angry and demanding then it might be hard to sympathize with her. Is she really angry and demanding or has she become this way from not having her emotional needs met by her husband?.


Of course this is true and I did not suggest otherwise. This is why I suggested the books I did. Because the books do a great job of explaining what needs to be done. I'm not going to type out 100-200 pages to explain the details. 

My point about spending time together is that if a couple spends no time together, just the two of them, there is 0% chance that they are truly meeting each others needs. Just knowing that indicates that they have seriously neglected their relationship.

But it can be fixed if they work on meeting each others needs.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

frustrated1971 said:


> I don't think he attraction is there like it used to be. *We have not been intimate in over 2 months*. I don't she is attracted to me like she used to be and I know the attraction I had for her has begun to fade. The kids are in their early teens so they can do a lot on their own. Between taking the kids to what ever event they are in, doing laundry, helping with homework and keeping the house clean both she and I barely have time to look at each other after work. Yes, both she and I work. As for happiness, I am happy as long as the kids are happy and healthy. I do worry what will happen when they leave the house.


You are being toasted a little here. For what it is worth, I do not know many friends who would be shocked if their partner had male friends, most do. As long as there is a reasonable distance that is fine.

There are alternative possibilities to you being an evil and heartless monster. I am not smart enough to come up with many, but here are some:
1. Two months is a long time. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. She might suspect you are wandering if you are not interested or if she is not providing.
2. Do you last when you have sex? A personal experience, but when I had a similar period of denial, I learnt to be rather indifferent to sex. It meant that after a month, I would still last a long time. My wife became concerned I was cheating at that point.
3. She is having an affair or had one. Unfaithful people are convinced their partner is cheating and that really it is their fault (otherwise, they would be the bad one).
4. Some people are just desperately needy and therefore terrified and panicy. Some men are irrationally jealous and some women are too. If she is insecure enough, she is just going to be like this. It reflects nothing more than that she sees herself as reliant on you for her happiness.

This is not a rejection of the input you have had already, which is far more learned than mine. Just additional stuff.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I was wondering #3 above. Have you checked HER FB lately? She is hyper jealous and vigilant 16 yrs. after you had sex with another woman while y'all were dating before you got married? It drives me nuts when people will say "She was not cheating, y'all were not married...did you both agree it was a committed relationship?" Then some say "even though it was before you were married, you were cheating" its like if she is the cheater....well you were not married...but if the man is the cheater then its assumed he cheated...it does not matter if they were just dating....just seem like as a whole guys are held to a double standard alot of times the women are not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I don't know. I'm on the other side of the coin. Would you prefer she does not look or care? Personally, I would take the snooping, looking and questioning as a sign she still loves you and is looking to assure all is well in her life(your life and married life). She is tending her garden. Sometimes checking for weeds is required as there was some weeds in her garden prior to the marriage. No one I have met likes to feel insecure. Security is an essential part of a relationship. Accept she is loving and snooping.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

frustrated1971 said:


> Another point to be made. My family (father, mother, sisters) mean the world to me. One of my sisters was mean to her and I have cut off communication with her over that. I confronted my sister when after it happened and she apologized to my wife, but my wife said she did not think the apology was genuine. So, in cutting off communication with my sister*(this will happen sometimes. I have zero communication with one of my sisters)*, I have hurt my mother because now the family is fractured. Before any of you go into anything about my mother....tread lightly. *Cut the apron strings. Sorry your mom is upset. You are married now. W's happiness is now first and foremost.* As for fighting for FB contact with some woman, I never said I was fighting for FB contact with some woman. The whole situation started because a woman, who is a friend of the family, posted a picture of snow in her back yard on my page. When my wife asked me who she was I did not recognize the name because she has re-married. When I found out it was a family friend, I explained that to her but that was not enough. *She can either accept the facts or reject. That is on her.* So from what I can gather, some of you are recommending that I get rid of my FB, I stop communicating with all my co-workers and associates and stop communicating with my family. Nope. Because of something I did over 16 years ago I now must cut out everything and everyone in my life but her. *No, something that appears to not been resolved 16 years ago is the reason a resolve must be found now.* Is that what you recommend? If so, then let me ask you...is that what you do for your spouse or is that what you expect them to do for you. *If my W asked me to dump FB today it would be done in a second. I have communicated via phone and letter for decades. Worked then and does now. FB is not the end all to every social means of communication. To me it is pages upon pages for people to creep. And creep they do.*


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

frustrated1971 said:


> I don't think he attraction is there like it used to be. We have not been intimate in over 2 months. I don't she is attracted to me like she used to be and I know the attraction I had for her has begun to fade. The kids are in their early teens so they can do a lot on their own. Between taking the kids to what ever event they are in, doing laundry, helping with homework and keeping the house clean both she and I barely have time to look at each other after work. Yes, both she and I work. As for happiness, I am happy as long as the kids are happy and healthy. I do worry what will happen when they leave the house.


And here is were your priority has gone astray. W comes first over kids. You two have set up life around kids. Your happy if your kids are happy yet your W is left to languish? That is not what marriage is about sir. Your kids are now grown to a point you can start dating your W again. *Get dating sir. Find the passion again.* Be happy when your W is happy. * It takes work sir.* FB has nothing to do with your current issues. Not meeting your W needs is the issue. Close out of FB. Go date your W again.....sheesh....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

intheory said:


> You have to do something. Two months without sex. The bells of doom are ringing.


I agree. I also believe that FB has little to do with it. It is part of the overall issue but not solely the issue. The concentration on kids overall happiness has contributed to detachment of your W with added snooping as a result of her needs not being met.


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