# Can a wifes resentment ever be healed?



## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

I would like an opinion on whether resentment can ever be healed?

My wife literally hates my family. To explain, we had a relative refinance our home. When assigning the new loan, the loan was made only in my name (the husband). The explanation for this was my credit rating was better and we could get a better rate. My wife feels this was a conspiracy to get her off the deed,etc. At the time I was ignorant of financing practices and didnt think anything about it. My fault there. My family denies any of that and tries to reach out to her. My state shows equal ownership bwtween spouses so that scenario could not have happened. I have apologized for this and had no idea it bothered her like this. She is bitter to the bone on this and refuses to get past it.
It has been over two years now and it is contantly thrown up. She is bitter to the point she is resenting me for it. We have been married for 15 years and I love her to death. She seldom touches me and is critcal of everything I do now. There are other dynamics that have impacted our relationship over the years so this doesnt help things. I feel like I have no bargaing leverage to address those issues I am dealing with. All I do is apologize for everything.
She is drop dead gorgeous and has several options to replace me with if she chooses that, so I am between a rock and hard place.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Who pays the mortgage? Can't you go to a lawyer to draft something up that states she is the co-owner? If her credit was so bad why doesn't she understand?
Sounds like she is using this against so she can treat you badly.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Bobcat2014 said:


> I would like an opinion on whether resentment can ever be healed?
> 
> My wife literally hates my family. To explain, we had a relative refinance our home. When assigning the new loan, the loan was made only in my name (the husband). The explanation for this was my credit rating was better and we could get a better rate. My wife feels this was a conspiracy to get her off the deed,etc. At the time I was ignorant of financing practices and didnt think anything about it. My fault there. My family denies any of that and tries to reach out to her. My state shows equal ownership bwtween spouses so that scenario could not have happened. I have apologized for this and had no idea it bothered her like this. She is bitter to the bone on this and refuses to get past it.
> It has been over two years now and it is contantly thrown up. She is bitter to the point she is resenting me for it. We have been married for 15 years and I love her to death. She seldom touches me and is critcal of everything I do now. There are other dynamics that have impacted our relationship over the years so this doesnt help things. I feel like I have no bargaing leverage to address those issues I am dealing with. All I do is apologize for everything.
> She is drop dead gorgeous and has several options to replace me with if she chooses that, so I am between a rock and hard place.


She is definitely already looking ahead to life without you, including the division of the marital assets, which is why this is an issue for her in the first place.

No sex, either?

How often do women hit on you?


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> She is definitely already looking ahead to life without you, including the division of the marital assets, which is why this is an issue for her in the first place.
> 
> No sex, either?
> 
> How often do women hit on you?


I pay the mortgage. She works pt.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Being on the deed and being bound to the mortgage are completely separate things. 

She can have half ownership without having the loan obligation. 

She has nothing to complain about. At least, not as far as half ownership goes. Besides, if the house was acquired during the marriage then it's going to be considered joint marital property anyway. She'll get half the equity regardless of whose name is on the deed. 

There's a lot more going on here. 

Whether you realize it or not.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you should look into refinancing, with no family involved, under both your names, regardless of the extra cost. 

As for resentment towards your family; if she feels they honestly care nothing about her and only have your interests at heart, she really has no reason to ever forgive anything. Time alone may heal this wound, but only if you correct the issue first.

I don't really understand how this could've been done without her consent anyway. She must've signed the paperwork and understood what was happening when the refinancing happened right?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

_Since the deed establishes ownership and the mortgage establishes responsibility for paying the loan, a person listed only on the mortgage but not on the deed is responsible to pay the loan for the property even though he has no right to the property itself._

From here:

Difference Between the Name on the House's Title Vs. Its Mortgage | Everyday Life - Global Post

_Can a spouse be listed on the deed/title but not on the mortgage?
My husband and I are closing on a home located in CT. The mortgage will be in his name but the title/deed will be in both our names. Can we do this? If so, how?_

http://www.zillow.com/advice-thread...he-deed-title-but-not-on-the-mortgage/504626/


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If she has so many options why does she stay around and torture you? You have more going for you than you think. Stop apologizing, its weak. 

I don't know anyone who would spot us a loan for a house. They gave you a good deal? They did her a big service. They made you alone responsible for the loan. She owes nothing on the house. But she owns 50% of it. 

They gave her 50% of whatever equity you are building. What lovely people. If they are in banking, they knew they were giving her a sweet deal. 

Talk about ungrateful. Geeez.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What was her relationship with your family like prior to this refinance? I'm thinking there has to be more to this story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> If she has so many options why does she stay around and torture you? You have more going for you than you think. Stop apologizing, its weak.
> 
> I don't know anyone who would spot us a loan for a house. They gave you a good deal? They did her a big service. They made you alone responsible for the loan. She owes nothing on the house. But she owns 50% of it.
> 
> ...


Yes it was explained at the time of refinance.


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

Prior to this it was fair. My mom oversteps boundaries at times. I know this has been a problem for her. I understand her feeling toward my family, and again I apolgized for not intervening.


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> If she has so many options why does she stay around and torture you? You have more going for you than you think. Stop apologizing, its weak.
> 
> 
> Talk about ungrateful. Geeez.


Her main option is still married.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Bobcat2014 said:


> Yes it was explained at the time of refinance.


Ok, so it's been established that she's well aware that she's gotten a good deal and she's got ownership of half the house while not having any obligation towards the loan.

It's not clear why you even brought that up then.

She doesn't want to be with you, that much is clear. She's also made it clear that she has many other options. 

The only question is, what are you going to do about it?


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

When i talk to her, she says this is the root cause of her resentment, this is why it appears to be a continuing issue. We have sold the home and dont even live there now.

My point of asking advice is to figure out how to deal with my issues that her resentment is causing me. I dont know why she stays, if she hates me this much. She tells me she loves me, but I dont feel it. She complains that I am too needy. Again, I feel stuck between labeled needy or not showing her enough attention.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, if you got her name back on the loan, it wouldn't make a tinkers damn difference and you better start digging to see what's really up with her.

Now another thing you said tells me that your hooked on her for something more than love. You said she's drop dead gorgeous and has several options to drop you. 

Well by all means friend just keep on kissing her tight ass just like your doing and see how far you'll get. Not very far from what your saying.

You better figure out a way to get her off her high horse and start acting like a wife or your in for a nightmare. In other words, stop kissing her ass.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Bobcat2014 said:


> I would like an opinion on whether resentment can ever be healed?
> 
> My wife literally hates my family. To explain, we had a relative refinance our home. When assigning the new loan, the loan was made only in my name (the husband). The explanation for this was my credit rating was better and we could get a better rate. My wife feels this was a conspiracy to get her off the deed,etc. At the time I was ignorant of financing practices and didnt think anything about it. My fault there. My family denies any of that and tries to reach out to her. My state shows equal ownership bwtween spouses so that scenario could not have happened. I have apologized for this and had no idea it bothered her like this. She is bitter to the bone on this and refuses to get past it.
> It has been over two years now and it is contantly thrown up. She is bitter to the point she is resenting me for it. We have been married for 15 years and I love her to death. She seldom touches me and is critcal of everything I do now. There are other dynamics that have impacted our relationship over the years so this doesnt help things. I feel like I have no bargaing leverage to address those issues I am dealing with. All I do is apologize for everything.
> She is drop dead gorgeous and has several options to replace me with if she chooses that, so I am between a rock and hard place.


She has these options to replace you, how? Has she made sure to stay in touch with several old boyfriends while she is married to you.


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

She got in contact on FB


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Bobcat2014 said:


> When i talk to her, she says this is the root cause of her resentment, this is why it appears to be a continuing issue. We have sold the home and dont even live there now.


You said the whole refinance thing was explained to her and she understood it at the time it was done. So she knows she was always half owner of the house while having no obligation to pay back the loan.

Your relatives did you a favor by facilitating the refinance, your wife has nothing to complain about and she knows it and yet she says she resents you and hates your family for it.

Makes zero sense.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your case makes me think of the old saying, 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'. If you WANT her to stick around, don't NEED her to. Let go. If things don't work out between you, it's not the end of your world, life will go on, you'll move on.

It's nice to feel wanted, a little needed, but if you feel like you're with someone who feels they don't deserve you, you'll start to feel that too. 'Hmmm, maybe he doesn't deserve me, maybe I can do better.'

I don't always think the 180 is the best way to go, but in cases where one partner is clinging on for dear life while the other is trying desperately to get away ("Pepe Le Pew" comes to mind), they need to just stop for a minute and think about what they're doing.


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

lenzi said:


> You said the whole refinance thing was explained to her and she understood it at the time it was done. So she knows she was always half owner of the house while having no obligation to pay back the loan.
> 
> Your relatives did you a favor by facilitating the refinance, your wife has nothing to complain about and she knows it and yet she says she resents you and hates your family for it.
> 
> Makes zero sense.


It truly is a 70/30 relationship. Maybe I need to concede to the fact she has checked out of this marriage. I mean I get mixed signal, in that she talks about our future, the kids, etc


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bob 
Do you mean she is having an emotional affair? 

Cant really give you advice because you are not giving the whole story. This is not about your family or a house. Facing the issues cannot be any worse than what you are suffering now. 

Can you give more info on your marriage, how long, kids, when problems started, who is the Facebook friend, have you said anything about the contact. So far, it sounds like you are putting up with abuse. 

What are the reasons you want to stay?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Have you told her you don't want her in contact with old boyfriends?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

This has little to do with the house or family resentment. 

Rationalization for something she's either done or thinking about doing is more likely. 

Laying the groundwork...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

FB what? Talking to other guys?

OP, I have the sinking feeling there is much more to her "resentment" then she's letting on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would go up to her and ask her if she is ever willing to get past this.

Yes or No

Because with her actions, she is clearly telling you NO. So you are just communicating the facts.

If she says yes, then ask her to start acting like wife again.

Anything but yes = divorce



sinnister said:


> FB what? Talking to other guys?
> 
> OP, I have the sinking feeling there is much more to her "resentment" then she's letting on.


Agreed!!!



nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> Have you told her you don't want her in contact with old boyfriends?


This as well. Just the act of contacting her old boyfriends = RED FLAG (the biggest one you can imagine OP)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

when a wife does this, you have to say GET OVER IT OR LEAVE. That stops it from becoming any sort of defining issue in your marraige.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hicks said:


> when a wife does this, you have to say GET OVER IT OR LEAVE. That stops it from becoming any sort of defining issue in your marraige.


Irrational people cannot be reasoned with.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bobcat2014 said:


> *She is drop dead gorgeous and has several options to replace me with if she chooses that, so I am between a rock and hard place.*


Everything else you said is minor in comparison to your attitude that you show here. So she takes pity on you by being married to you? She's the person of value in this marriage and you just got lucky? I guarantee the biggest issues in your marriage are based in what you wrote above.

She's holding onto the resentment of the mortgage for other reasons. It's a mask. She's not happy about a number of issues larger than the mortgage.

PS if you two divorced, she owns 50% of that house, even if her name isn't on it so it's a meaningless gripe.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

^^^ I agree

And if OP knows about "plenty of other options"....chances are, those options have already been explored.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bobcat2014 said:


> She is drop dead gorgeous and has several options to replace me with if she chooses that, so I am between a rock and hard place.


Bull sh!t. 

That's what you think. She thinks she has a chump and a monkey on a string. Come on that's not you, can't be. 

Many men make the same mistake you are making. They put up with anything to keep a beautiful woman. They make fools of themselves. Only confident men who respect themselves, can see the beauty but also expect to the same from them as an average looking woman. 

They are people too, they want to be seen as people. That means that you see beauty when they act with beauty and ugliness when they show it. 

It's highly likely that your wife has never felt she is loved for herself. Stay with her as a conscious choice with conditions. That you be respected and loved. She has probably never had that. 

But you have to respect and love yourself before you can do that. You would not allow anyone to have their foot on your neck, no matter how gorgeous, if you loved and respected yourself. 

It will take time but start that journey. If you can do it, you will be very happy with her, if she respects and loves you or without her if she dosen't.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Bull sh!t.
> 
> That's what you think. She thinks she has a chump and a monkey on a string. Come on that's not you, can't be.
> 
> ...



Lots of single dudes walking around TAM carrying their empty pedestals.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

breeze said:


> I think you should look into refinancing, with no family involved, under both your names, regardless of the extra cost.
> 
> As for resentment towards your family; if she feels they honestly care nothing about her and only have your interests at heart, she really has no reason to ever forgive anything. Time alone may heal this wound, but only if you correct the issue first.
> 
> I don't really understand how this could've been done without her consent anyway. She must've signed the paperwork and understood what was happening when the refinancing happened right?


Why does it have to be emotional? I simply don't understand why emotions have to be priority over sound financial practices. If her credit is crap it will affect their rate. Better credit score = less interest paid and more money in their pockets month to month. 

OP's wife needs to sit down with him and be specific about her resentment and OP needs to discuss the issue in detail and get past it where its beneficial long term for the marriage and not because of feelings.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Why does it have to be emotional? I simply don't understand why emotions have to be priority over sound financial practices. If her credit is crap it will affect their rate. Better credit score = less interest paid and more money in their pockets month to month.
> 
> OP's wife needs to sit down with him and be specific about her resentment and OP needs to discuss the issue in detail and get past it where its beneficial long term for the marriage and not because of feelings.


Because all she'll here is blah, blah, blah.

Logic rarely works with people in her state of mind.

Save your breath.

It was the correct course of action.

She's rationalizing her resentment for other reasons. 

Explanations will be as controlling and manipulative.

You cannot make her understand if she doesn't want to.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Bull sh!t.
> 
> That's what you think. She thinks she has a chump and a monkey on a string. Come on that's not you, can't be.
> 
> ...


It's more likely your DW is extremely vulnerable to her internal sense of self-worth. Imagine if your self-esteem is based on external reinforcement ... You know your looks will fade over time ... this must be terrifying. 

Catherine's right, you need to love and respect yourself and insist your DW do the same. 

OP, please consider that people are much more than they appear:

-Physical (you commented on this)
-Spiritual
-Intellectual
-Emotional/Psychological
-Social

My experience has been that individuals tend to focus on their areas of strength to the exclusion of the rest. This offers an opportunity for us to grow as individuals.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

what are her good traits, aside from the drop deadishness?

wondering if you might describe her in more detail. does she fight fair? does she say a lot of hurtful things to you (besdies the 'options' part?)
does she seem to save all the ugliness for you, while presenting a sort of sacharin-sweet personality to to ohers??


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> what are her good traits, aside from the drop deadishness?
> 
> ...


She has many good traits, in being kind and gentle at times. I am also more driven because of her. There are other things, I wont mention that I love about her as well. 
As far as fighting, things are brought up from times before we married. She tends to have a selective memory and likes to remember history different than what really happened. I have been called horrible things out of these episodes. We might fight once a month, maybe. The scariest part is her ability to lie so easy, at least to others in front of me. Its very convincing. This questions what she tells me, maybe she lies to me the same.

My goal is to make the needed changes to my behavior/person/ appearance/ or whatever, to become the best version of myself for her. My concern is this: I don't think I am doing enough or focused on the right areas because I don't know what else to work on in terms of self improvement. The steps I have made, have yielded very little payback. This is one of the reasons (I joined TAM) to get other opinions on how I need to address her resentment. 

In my opinion, I am a better man and husband the older I get. I do least my share of house duties (laundry, etc, stuff I should do). Most of the dishes and cooking (which I enjoy). I always make her time priority over mine, always. Most of my time is spent doing home projects, working, college coursework and lifting. Again, these tasks never take priority over spending time or doing what she wants, never. I don't feel I have any negative habits per se ,ie, smoking, alcohol, gambling, golf, etc. I have been told I can get annoying with nutrition, fitness, etc. In addition, I also tend to be a little unemotional, because I deal with facts and data, not drama and opinion and I can become needy, mainly because I get very little affection, IMO. All of these areas I am working to improve, though and then that affection will come.


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

Jung_admirer said:


> It's more likely your DW is extremely vulnerable to her internal sense of self-worth. Imagine if your self-esteem is based on external reinforcement ... You know your looks will fade over time ... this must be terrifying.
> 
> Catherine's right, you need to love and respect yourself and insist your DW do the same.
> 
> ...


I want to self improve and grow as an individual. Hopefully, she can see my level of commitment and being proactive in making the needed changes for the betterment of the relationship.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

bobcat:

sorry, did you say you have children with her. if you want to improve yourself that's great. falling out of love with her would be one of those steps IMO. honestly with her wanting to maintain her backup "stable" of old boyfriends, plus the "lies easily, convincinly" and other things you've described she may even have some kind of narcisstic personality disorder. she sounds like bad news....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are trying too hard Bobcat.

She is the carrot, and her behavior is the stick. It's difficult to get a fix in a situation where a skillful reward and punishment system is employed. 

It takes a certain amount of heartlessness, cunning and calculation to be good at it. Narcissist are good at it and people with BPD are too. 

The most important thing is that the recipient of this treatment be a decent person who has character, empathy, compassion and goodness. Otherwise it does not work. See how hard you are trying to make your wife happy? 

Does she deserve such devotion? Does not sound like it to me. I can't wait till she overplays her hand and you finally see her for what she is.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

Bobcat2014 said:


> She tends to have a selective memory and likes to remember history different than what really happened. I have been called horrible things out of these episodes. We might fight once a month, maybe. The scariest part is her ability to lie so easy, at least to others in front of me. Its very convincing. This questions what she tells me, maybe she lies to me the same.


This is a traitor, not a spouse. 

The opening description of her irrational stance on the house made me think it was a made-up issue to fight over when the real problem is something else. 

The harder you try the more she will despise you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bob where are you??


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## Bobcat2014 (May 10, 2014)

Cathrine602,

I am here...........and been educating myself with the contact you provided me. I cant thank you both enough.
Sadly, I am now aware of what I am in dealing with in terms of dysfunction and my own issues of why I endured this for so long. Yes I said my issues with fear of abandonment and being entwined in a co dependant marriage.

The house issue is only the tip of the iceberg, so too speak.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bobcat2014 said:


> Cathrine602,
> 
> I am here...........and been educating myself with the contact you provided me. I cant thank you both enough.
> Sadly, I am now aware of what I am in dealing with in terms of dysfunction and my own issues of why I endured this for so long. Yes I said my issues with fear of abandonment and being entwined in a co dependant marriage.
> ...


It will take time to unravel and reach a comfortable solution. I think you will be able to endure the temporary turmoil, if you have support.


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