# ILYB bombshell - how to put things right?



## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi Forum,

I recently had the ILYBINILWY talk from my wife of 8 years - it was a bolt out of the blue to me and has knocked me sideways. We have decided to try to work things out and are still talking and making plans for the future and I'm still in love with her.

Since we decided to try to make it work I've found her a little distant, we do talk everynight and during the day (I work away from home) she has said she just wants me to be myself and acts as though nothing has really happened.

I swing from positivity to negativity almost hourly and I am desperate to know what to do for the best - if anyone has anyone has been through this and can offer any helpful advice it would be very much appreciated!

Thanks,

Hombre


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The emotional rollercoaster is normal and will continue on until things begin to settle. That may take time. When she says she wants to work at the marriage. What does that mean? Do you have a game plan? Dating, regular communication, travel together….. When you talk at night, what do you talk about? Small talk or heavy relationship discussions?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Take Amplexor's comments to heart.

If there isn't a plan, or ground rules - things cannot possibly improve. That means neither of you know what is supposed to happen. The only thing that _can_ happen under those circumstances, is further erosion of the relationship.

Everyone always says, "You need to get a therapist." What is crucial that you recognize, is that there's a reason why everyone suggests it.

You need either someone to help you individually sort through the feelings of what is going on. Or someone to act as referee and guide for the both of you in marriage counseling.

If you don't know how you got here, and aren't able to openly discuss how you got here - there is little chance that the two of you can resolve it without the help of a third party.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, you absolutely must get a counselor. The fact that the marriage got to this point in the first place is evidence that you need outside help; please don't go it alone b/c it won't likely work.

Some things are very hard for even married people to talk about, and there can also be differences in communication styles that interfere with really good communication. Be sure to find out if the spark WAS there--was she really in love with you when you got married? I think way too many people get married just to be married, and they marry someone they aren't madly in love with. You need to know that at some point.

I'm sorry for your situation, but since she's willing to work on it, there is a lot of hope. Best of luck!


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## elattoo (Jul 4, 2009)

Hombre,

It seems to me you both are struggling with your definition of "love" (or at least she is). We put so much stock in being "in love" and become dependent on these feelings lasting forever. The truth is, in a marriage, these feelings won't always be there, and something deeper is required if you are to survive the trials of life.

In my experience, counseling will not cure the root of the problem, though it may help you on your way there. The love you and your wife need is the kind of love that requires you to give of yourself...completely. Is this not what you both promised on your wedding day?

I highly recommend you read the book "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. Even if you aren't a Christian, the principles in this book will change your marriage. You'll find that marriage isn't meant to make you happy (though it can), but make you "holy". This will bring a true happiness and contentment that you will not find by just seeking a "more compatible" partner.

I realize you are not the one who dropped the bombshell, but since she is willing to try and work things out, I suggest you offer this to her. At least look into it and consider it.

Best of luck to you, bro...

Kevin


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi All,

Thanks for your replies.

When I've asked what she wants from our marriage she says she wants to be happy again and for things to be like they used to be. 

I've spoken in private to one of her friends and she is very positive, she says all my wife wants is for me to change in a few minor ways - help around the house more, not go to the pub so often, pay more attention to her and have proper conversations - all of which I am more than happy to do. But in return I want her to tell me when she is upset/unhappy/angry, these are all valid emotions that need to be expressed as suppressing them (as my wife has done) has led to this emotional disconnect.

She also says for me to just be myself so there is a bit of a conundrum there - if I'm just myself won't we just end up back in the same place? 

We are making major plans for the future - we are in the process of buying a new house next door to her best friend (whose daughter happens to be our daughters best friend), and I genuinely believe we can be happy again.

I still have a lot few questions I would like to ask her but I find she is very uncomfortable when I raise the subject so at the moment, in the interest of not rocking the boat I have been biting my tongue. I think that sooner rather than later though I will have to air my thoughts and try to get her true feelings out of her. What do you guys think? Is this a good idea?

I've also been reading a book by Andrew G Marshall call "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I can so identify with some of the scenarios he depicts and the advice he gives seems sound - I have bought a copy for my wife and it will be interesting to see how she interprets his observations and theories.

Many thanks,


Hombre


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

hombre said:


> She also says for me to just be myself so there is a bit of a conundrum there - if I'm just myself won't we just end up back in the same place?


My guess would be that she is asking you to be yourself because you are manically trying to change and meet all of her needs. i.e. doting. This can make her feel uncomfortable and serve to push her away. She has stated what she wants/needs from you. Commit to those changes for life and this will likely settle out with time. As for pushing her for answers it might be best to give her some breathing room on that for now. If you are in the process of buying a house, that’s enough stress to deal with right now. Let the dust settle, assess her actions then discuss the issues you need closure on. Good luck, I like what I’m hearing.:smthumbup:


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Amplexor is right....don't go overboard. Change what you can, but if you appear to needy that will be a turnoff.

Work on yourself. Get some help. Don't ignore the problem hoping it will go away. It will get worse. Communicate in a healthy manner...if you aren't sure how to do that perhaps do some self-help reading on marriage or go to counseling.

It sounds like this can be turned around. Good luck!!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh my god Hombre

you could have been writing about me and my husband.

He dropped this bombshell on me 7 weeks ago and i am struggling to come to terms with it. he told me it was over for definite now he says he will 'see how it goes'. 

I don't know how to act. I don't want to appear desperate, but I want to save the marriage.

He is still distant (apart from the fact we have been having sex, long story), and I just feel i cant break down this barrier he has put up.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi Mumof2,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a similar situation to me!

It's strange about the sex thing - my wife and I have been having a great time between the sheets after years of virtually no sex!

What I've decided to do is take on board what my wife say's are she things that drive her mad (too much time on the computer, going to the pub, not fully listening to her, etc) and work on those along with trying to take the positives out of the situation: she hasn't left me, it's made me look at myself and want to improve plus I've joined a gym and it's going well - so even if it does all head south at least I will have gained something! Plus with all the weight I'm losing I'm looking more attractive (I hope!).

I can also recommend a book I have just read - in a day - "I love you but I'm not in love with you" by Andrew G Marshall. It has some great advice in it along with practical steps you can take - my wife has even agreed to read it so she may find something out about herself in there too.

It's still early days for me but I'm finding that by being positive we are spending more time talking to each other - not about the ILYB though, I know it's hard - I just want to ask so many questions but if I do that it will just drive her away.

I'm also reading a few forums and some of them can be quite helpful when you feel down.

Keep us posted on how things go and we'll try and pep you up if you feel down!

Cheers,


Hombre


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hombre

have we been separated at birth. I too have bought that very book, and you are so right about the sex. It has been great, despite knowing that I really shouldn't be doing it. It definitely has been the best sex after a bit of a drought in the last few years.

I have only just started reading the book, will keep you posted.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

"ILYBINILWY" ha ha that is some serious forum lingo. Pretty soon people will post an entire situation like this: 

HDHIHAHFDGTSVFBXDHDAA?CCCWRCXSZ?GBVZS!!WTF?GNBCXDBCCVVCPMFBCLDVLEGVDDHBXSDFHJBXFD?FFGG!TH!GDSCC?


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

haha - nice one lol

go on, what does it all stand for?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I only understand the WTF. Am using it myself quite alot just lately!!


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

FFS is also a good one!


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## mommyto3boys (Jul 13, 2009)

After my husband admitted he had an affair, strangely, we also had lots of sex.. I just talked to him about this the other day about 'why we had lots of sex' (and his response to me was 'i dunno') and I told him it was because we finally were communicating and talking about our marriage and all the emotions that went with it.

I've been reading posts over the last couple of weeks and one of the posts asked what exactly does a woman mean when she says she requires an 'emotional connection' to have sex... Well in my opinion, ANY kind of 'connection' whether it be LUST or continued verbal communication and an emotional connection is required for women to want to have sex.

I think it's kind of crazy that women need an emotional connection to want to continue to have sex and men need continual sex to have an 'connection'!

But seriously, any counsellor will tell you that continual communication and a connection is needed for marriages to last and for the sex to last (at least for the woman). I don't understand why anyone would stay in a marriage just for the sex if they do not like or have no emotional connection with the spouse.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I think you are right.

Since we have been talking more than we have done in years about how we feel etc, sex had just seemed quite natural.

Although my husband insists on telling me it is not about love. Hmmmm


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

BTW Hombre it took me a few minutes to work out FFS :rofl:


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## mommyto3boys (Jul 13, 2009)

Momof2 - Was the reason you had less sex before because you didn`t want it or him? In my case it was me that did not want to have sex and then when we were finally talking about our marriage and I did not want to lose him....we had lots.

Strangely, it was him who had the affair but it was ME who was desperate not to lose him, that's part of my resentment, in that he didn't do much to keep ME, and if I told him I was leaving him now he would just say 'go'...even though I know he loves me...strange. What's sad is that he said he would move across the country to get over 'me'...and that would mean abandoning his kids....SAD.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I was feeling unloved and wanted comfort rather than sex. Thats how come it was not happening as much, it was a complete lack of communication on both our parts.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, you work away from home. what does that mean? You travel out of the area for days/weeks/months at a time?

Are you absolutely sure that she is not cheating?


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## Liz_09 (May 28, 2009)

WOW this happens way too often!

Hubby and I have been together for 21 years (We are 37 and 38), we have 4 amazing kids (had our 1st at 17). The last 2 years has been an intense emotional roller coaster ride. Hubby also came to me with the ILYBINILWY talk...plus the confession of an emotional affair with a woman online (he met her once), was never physical.

We have worked thru it...still continue to work thru it. A lot of damage to my heart was done and I am slowly healing. I still feel insecure and wonder a lot what he truly feels for me. Its getting better...and he claims it was a mid life crisis thing.

I think people, especially those who have been together since teen years and never been with anyone else, go thru this "unsure of what Im feeling stage." People dont truly know what it means to be "in love" . In the beginning you have the butterflies in the stomach, sweat palms, love struck emotions. So when you dont feel that anymore, you question the being in love, you want those feelings and miss those feelings. Those feelings are cool...but they are not "real" and is temporary. That puppy love turns into something deeper, into a grow up mature love. That is what people dont understand. 

That talk is a tough one (especially if you are on the receiving end of that convo!)....but if you truly love eachother, you can get thru it. Takes love, understanding, open and honest communication (lots of it) and patience. Believe me..I know!


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi All,

Sad to see how many of us there are in this boat isn't it!

Michzz, I'm 100% sure she isn't in contact with anyone but I suspect there is still a limerance for the person she felt attracted to. I hope that as she is committed to making a go of things with me she will have the sense to avoid the other person.

Liz_09, I think what you are saying here makes sp much sense, I think that my wife had lost the butterfly feeling (which we all know is unsustainable) and didn't understand why she felt this way QED she's not in love with me anymore.

I also think bad communication on both our parts and some of my habits (using my computer a lot, etc) have over the years p**sed her off.

So, when she meets this nice man in the pub and he pays her a bit of attention bingo! She immediately thinks the grass will be greener, etc without contemplating the consequences - it's only when she gives me the ILYB speech after hearing about this man that we get the opportunity to examine what a divorce would mean - and it's horrendous!

So I think she has thought to herself that she has to make a go of the marriage to avoid all that pain and in time loving attachment should hopefully return!

Sorry, went on a bit of a ramble there!

Cheers,

Hombre


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Liz 

you are so right. We have been together for my entire adult life. Our kids are 20 and 24 and I am 43 H is 44.

It seems he thinks that he is the only one whose feelings change over the years, and I am trying to explain that after such a long time together we may not feel head over heels in love, but I think we have something alot deeper. You do your growing up together and know each other so well.

There is always the chance though that they will start to think they have missed out by getting together so young, as you say 'the grass is greener' and all that.

I dont think he even considers that I am not 'in love' with him as I was when we first met, but where as I think it is a natural progression, H sees it as a failing.


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)




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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

My suggestion to you is to not "work on your marriage" or try to change her "feelings", all of that is a waste of time and it makes you appear to be weak and undesireable in her eyes. Never waste your time trying to make a woman happy; women actually enjoy being unhappy and they get the most out of being unhappy if they can also make a man unhappy as well. I assure you she is enjoying the drama her "feelings" have created and she is enjoying watching you jump through hoops to change her "feelings". She fell "out of love" with you because you have allowed yourself to be domesticated by her.

Here is the real way to save your marriage:
Hide as much money and assets as you can and contact the best divorce lawyer you can find and sue her for divorce. Buy a Porsche 911S if you can afford it. Tell her you do not love her anymore and that you have met someone else, and she is much younger and more attrative than she is. Lie to her as much as possible and make sure you get "caught" in as many lies as possible; and do not ever apologize for lying to her.

The above actions will draw her back to you. She will view you as a challenge and as a "badboy" who slipped away from her. This will make you appear to be very exciting.

She will fall in love with you again.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

EB: Your response is so out there.... 

Are YOU on the ISS?:rofl:


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## Liz_09 (May 28, 2009)

EternalBacheor said:


> My suggestion to you is to not "work on your marriage" or try to change her "feelings", all of that is a waste of time and it makes you appear to be weak and undesireable in her eyes. Never waste your time trying to make a woman happy; women actually enjoy being unhappy and they get the most out of being unhappy if they can also make a man unhappy as well. I assure you she is enjoying the drama her "feelings" have created and she is enjoying watching you jump through hoops to change her "feelings". She fell "out of love" with you because you have allowed yourself to be domesticated by her.
> 
> Here is the real way to save your marriage:
> Hide as much money and assets as you can and contact the best divorce lawyer you can find and sue her for divorce. Buy a Porsche 911S if you can afford it. Tell her you do not love her anymore and that you have met someone else, and she is much younger and more attrative than she is. Lie to her as much as possible and make sure you get "caught" in as many lies as possible; and do not ever apologize for lying to her.
> ...


WOW...you must be single lol


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi All,

I thought I'd update you on what's been happening. 

I've made massive changes in my life, I've lost loads of weight, changed my attitude around the home, talked and talked to my wife but I fear it may all be in vain. 

I found out that she saw the OM and still had a "fixation" for him despite barely knowing him, she has also looked at financial settlements in divorce and local properties. 

She spoke to her sister and seemed so much better for it, saying she really loved me and wanted to make a go of it. She also went to see the Doctor who has prescribed anti-depressants and since she has started taking them she has become really depressed and really detached, I have read that this is a side effect of taking them but it just so hard to hear her say she doesn't love me anymore - my heart is breaking every day, it's like a rollercoaster of emotion and it just hurts so much I can barely stand it.


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

I most certainly am single. I would never be foolish enough to sign a marriage contract. 

Marriage for a male is nothing less than financial slavery. Married males are simply slaves, nothing more, nothing less. There is no upside for a male to marry - the best he can hope for is to live out the rest of his days in obedience to an aging woman and her ceaseless demands for attention and material things. The downside (and the much more likely outcome) is divorce and his loss of his home and property.

Every married man I know is sorry he did it.

In regard to Mr Hobre........that fact is that his wife is bored. You know it, I know it, every woman reading this post knows it, the problem is that Mr Hombre does not seem to know it. The reality of marriage has not lived up to her fantasy of marriage; she is bored and sees more upside in not being married to Mr Hombre. So she is starting the process of cashing out and then going on the hunt for a more exciting sucker to marry her. And there are plenty of suckers out there for her to choose from.........

Aside from my previous post my primary advice to Mr Hombre is to divorce and take the financial hit and never make the mistake of signing a marriage contract again.

He will live long and prosper as a single, free, man.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

EternalBatchelor - I think you have a very good point. If this all does end up in divorce I wouldn't get married again. It's too easy for the marriage to break up and for the breadwinner to be left penniless. If she want's to leave I can't stop her and I can't make her come to marriage guidance with me to try and make it work - she holds all the cards!


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

Mr Hombre - your wife is what we Eternal Bachelors call an "Emotional Terrorist"; it is a common trait found amoung Western women. A female emotional terrorist uses your emotions and love for her to terrroize you. The entire "I love you but I am not in love with you" action by her is nothing less than emotional terrorism directed against you - its intention and affect is to cause you emotional pain and harm. 

I suppose she expects you to now focus all of your time and energy into trying to solve the puzzle as to why she now "feels this way"; you will of course be expected to navigate through the twisted female logic which brought her to this conclusion. Once you solve the puzzle you will of course be expected to resolve the problem by "re-dating" her; courting her as you did when you first met in the hope of having her once again feel like she both loves you.......and is "in love with you". This will be an expensive and time consuming proposition.

Of course even if you are successful in the endevor, which in my view is highly unlikely, some other issue or problem with "you" will eventually arise which will cause you to once again fall out of favor with her. And the same cycle will begin over again - a cycle in which she emotionally terrrorizes you. This cycle will eventually end in divorce which will likely be initiated by her and not you. It will come when you least expect it and when you are completely unprepared to defend yourself.

In my view you must divorce as soon as possible and get the process over with. You must rid yourself from this parasite feeding from you. Being poor and free is better than having a few dollars and living as a slave under the heel of an emotional terrorist - which is exactly what your wife is.

Males should N-E-V-E-R sign a marriage contract.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Hombre,
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. The same thing has just happened to me, but it is my husband who dropped the "bomb" so to speak, and has left me to care for our three kids ( two of whom are autistic) while he sorts out what he is feeling/not feeling. He has made up a room for himself in the basement, but is spending little to no time with our kids, and they are sad.

I am angry at my husband for putting me in this situation. I was a stay at home parent looking oafter our children, and now all of a sudden, I have to try and fins a job in an isolated community of about 2,500 people, figure out where to live ( we live in military housing, which, for now, is okay) and while we have agreed to "work on things" before he gets deployed to Afghanistan in November, if things are still as horrible as they are now, I am going to have to use the seven months that he is deployed to figure out what is best to do for my kids and myself.

It sounds like you are in a bad situation too, and I hope you don't mind, but I am getting so angry when I read stories like yours ( like mine), as the spouse who drops that on their partner seems, at least to me, to be so damn selfish. No spouse deserves to be told that, and I figure that the spouse who agreed, for better or worse, to stay with their partner, needs to do just that, no matter how much hard work it may take on their part. I really wish that they could see and feel the horrible emotional pain that they are exacting on another human being that they say they "love- but aren't in love with). Maybe, if they could experience even a five minute time when they felt that bad, things like this wouldn't happen.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hombre, you are so right when you say she holds all the cards, she does.

My H is too and its a killer isn't it. I am trying to get back some sort of control, you must try too. Sorry not much consolation is it.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

It is comforting to hear that I am not the only one going throught stuff like this. My wife took the kids and left a month ago. I tried everything I could think of at first to have them come home, to no aval. then I realised that by holding on so tight I was pushing them away farther. Sence then she has rented an apartment and agreed to go to counceling. Now I try to give her the space she needs and when we talk I try not to bring up anything to deep, I save that for counceling, if I can. She will actually let me hold her hand and I actually got a small kiss the last time I saw her. I found a book online (Save my marriage: What to do when your spouse says "Idon't love you anymore!")that helped me put some things into perspective. I wish you the best of luck.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

I know it's a long time since I've posted but I thought I'd give an update. After making a go of it for over a year with my wife and thinking everything was steadily getting better and better - we spent more time together, spoke more, made love more - it was seemingly a total success story - my world fell apart. Again.

I found a text message on her mobile - and no I wasn't snooping, she had left it on the screen and it was from someone saying "you looked gorgeous last night" and my wife replying "gutted I couldn't speak to you" - I was absolutely stunned, when we had decided to make a fresh start last year we had each promised to speak up if something wasn't making them happy. I confronted my wife and the first words out of her mouth were "I don't love you anymore and I want to split up".

I just left the house and haven't really been back since (this happened 1 week ago). When I spoke to her and asked her about it she said it was just a bit of text flirting with a man she had met in the pub - I didn't believe her but I couldn't prove otherwise. She wouldn't tell me anything about the man except his age. I called the number from the text message and the person I spoke to hung up on me pretty much straight away. I went back to the house to get some clothes and found an empty packet of stockings in the holdall I was taking - I then knew for certain sex had taken place as my wife never normally wears these.

I then confronted her again and she swore on our child's life that she hadn't had sex with him - I then wasn't so sure that sex had taken place - surely a mother wouldn't swear on her only childs life if she was lying? She was lying. 

I realised I had a backup of her phone on my laptop and with a bit of detective work was able find out that they "had done the dirty deed", the mans first name and his nickname. A quick look on the browser history and I could see the name of the man as she had done a search for him. I was then able to find out that he was married with two children. When I told my wife I knew where he lived she said she would never speak to me again if I told his wife - which I haven't done.

She still won't tell me the full extent of their relationship but has admitted they have had sex once - I suspect it is more than this though.

I've had a total roller-coaster of emotions and can honestly say I wouldn't wish it on anybody - this is the main reason I haven't told his wife.

The perverse thing is that in my heart I still love her and would take her back and give it another go. My friends are advising me to get out and deep down they I know they are right but I can't just let go of my wife, my daughter and my home.

We are spending time apart to sort our emotions out but I strongly suspect she is still seeing this man even though she promised me had told him it was over.

It is like she is a stranger to me now - the lies that come out of her mouth are incredible.

I know we are heading for divorce and this devastates me - I can't believe my marriage has come to this without having any warning of anything been wrong since making a go of it. I feel so betrayed and depressed it is almost unbearable - it got so bad one day that I even started penning a suicide note! Ridiculous as I would never do that to my daughter.


I asked why she'd become unhappy and she said that she hadn't become unhappy and things had been good and then went on to say that she'd changed and is looking for a "feeling", obviously this is the "new love" feeling you have when you start with a new person but this feeling doesn't last, it transforms into real love if you have a real connection with the other person or you go your seperate ways if you don't.

So I'm staring at divorce now and that leaves me feeling hopeless, I'd always thought it would never happen to me - I feel so desperately sorry for my little girl who is the most wonderful little thing, she is so bright, pretty and loving


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hombre,

You sound like a really nice guy.

You may wish to spend a bit of time her perusing the threads that mention how men attract women.

(Hint - it's not by being a nice guy)

As for your current situation? How could you ever trust her? She jacked you around like a pinball and played you.

Stop working on her and work on yourself.

At least you have the possibility for some return.


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## hombre (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi Conrad,

I think you are right - time to move on as this is the second time it's happened. It'll take time and a lot of pain but I think I have to get out of this destructive relationship - I'm losing myself and am being drawn into her world whenever we speak but it is very difficult to let go of someone you love even when you know they are lying, deceitful and totally self-serving - strange old world!

Cheers,


John


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## Randall (Nov 11, 2010)

Going through a similar situation. Very sad to see how this has turned out. Only thing with your situation compared to mine is I know my wife isn't interested in anyone else. Pretty much last thing on her mind and I believe it. So I have some hope but having an issue with being patient and respecting her boundary.

Crazy how many people have a similar situation.


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