# Not going to be your Secret dude!



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Once again I have encountered another guy who wants me to be his secret. No he’s not married, just been on and off with another girl.
Found pics of them in and off during the time we were together. 
We went out but it was a lot of downtown places. Of course we had our breaks too so I think when we were broken up he was with her and vice versa.

The lies oh I’m too busy yea right. 
The I’m too damaged to get serious
The women are crazy move too fast line 
We can keep this a secret. 
All BS
Done and hopefully a good one will come around 

Some men just love to keep that back up just in case.
It’s degrading and makes me feel so unworthy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Keep looking.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, what a loser. You are smart in dumping him.

What's amazing to me is that he's probably learned that he can treat women this way because he's probably been with other women who will play this game with him for a while.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> Once again I have encountered another guy who wants me to be his secret. No he’s not married, just been on and off with another girl.
> Found pics of them in and off during the time we were together.
> We went out but it was a lot of downtown places. Of course we had our breaks too so I think when we were broken up he was with her and vice versa.
> 
> ...


Not all men are like that, so do not paint them all as such. There is no reason to be offended or feel unworthy. You just found a guy and a situation you are not comfortable with. Instead of feeling degraded and offended, consider yourself lucky that you found out sooner, rather than later, when you had made an emotional investment. Keep looking for whatever it is you want. Not everyone will want the same thing as you, so don't be offended when they don't.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You have one thing wrong.
You are not unworthy, he is.

You want and deserve better 
than him. Not someone who
plays games. Little boys play 
games like this, not men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> Once again I have encountered another guy who wants me to be his secret. No he’s not married, just been on and off with another girl.
> Found pics of them in and off during the time we were together.
> We went out but it was a lot of downtown places. Of course we had our breaks too so I think when we were broken up he was with her and vice versa.
> 
> ...


Maybe need to set your radar to "man" level.

I think it must have been set to "limp wristed ***** boy".


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

From reading all your other threads it appears you have a gift for picking complete losers as suitable boyfriend material.Maybe take a step back from dating and work on yourself and try and find out why your picker is so badly broken.Therapy would help if it’s viable for you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I'll never understand why some normally intelligent women pick losers, guys who won't work, criminals, and those who are playing the field with three other women. My own niece liked his motorcycle! Now the guy's in the joint in another state.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I agree with @Andy1001. Work on your picker.

At least you found out before marrying the Loser. I think his other GF needs to know that he has some secrets.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're getting there Sue, still need to tweak your man picker but I'm so glad to see you didn't hang around this time or chase him - well done.

Any time a guy starts spouting bs like "We don't need to label this" or "Im too damaged to be in a relationship" or "Lets keep our relationship just between us" or any of the other lines they state (some women do it too) that's just code for "I'm not interested". Always. Next them.

Notice I said guy, not man. A man, a real man, will be honest enough to say "This isn't working for me".


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Thank you frusdil!
I’m trying...... 😊


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Where are meeting these guys?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Hmm....from the title, I thought the sexes were going to be reversed.

That is, I initially thought the thread was by a guy refusing to be relegated to the role of someone's "Secret dude".


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I’m meeting them online. I don’t do the bar scene or have a lot of time to mingle in meet up groups.

Maybe it’s just not my time. I heard that people have their best luck 45-50 years of age. Well I’m 45 and I hope I stay cute a little longer lol


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Hmm....from the title, I thought the sexes were going to be reversed.
> 
> That is, I initially thought the thread was by a guy refusing to be relegated to the role of someone's "Secret dude".


She's missing a comma.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think it's important to realize that when we say you need to work on your picker, we aren't suggesting that you'll eventually find some magical method of knowing upfront whether every single guy you meet is a good or bad fit. Rather, what we mean is that you need to work on not only being able to recognize red flags, _but also on having the self-confidence to act quickly on that recognition._ There will still be men who occasionally make it past your initial screenings, who later turn out to be losers. What's important is that you remain alert and aware of potential red flags and act upon them as soon as they appear. The goal isn't to never meet another loser. The goal is to strictly minimize the amount of time you waste on them. 

It's often suggested around here that posters need to learn to be okay with being alone. And I think that's very important. But what that means is _not_ that you should give up on finding someone, get 12 cats, and become a lonely old lady. Rather, it means that you should learn to _not be afraid_ of this person not being the right one for you - because, as it turns out, the next one or the next, just might be. Approaching the search for a partner from a place of fear, of being afraid that you'll be alone forever if this one doesn't work out, makes you weak. It can lead you to give too many second chances, ignore red flags, put up with things you shouldn't, and generally blind you to what should be apparent incompatibilities and issues. 

The truth is, you're always going to meet asshats. The trick is to quickly recognize them for what they are. And to move on, with no hesitation, second-guessing, hopeful waiting, or second/third/eleventyth chances once a guy reveals red flags to you. But to do that you've got to love and trust yourself, and not be afraid of what will happen if this guy - whoever he happens to be - doesn't turn out to be right for you. It is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. It just is.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Rowan said:


> OP, I think it's important to realize that when we say you need to work on your picker, we aren't suggesting that you'll eventually find some magical method of knowing upfront whether every single guy you meet is a good or bad fit. Rather, what we mean is that you need to work on not only being able to recognize red flags, _but also on having the self-confidence to act quickly on that recognition._ There will still be men who occasionally make it past your initial screenings, who later turn out to be losers. What's important is that you remain alert and aware of potential red flags and act upon them as soon as they appear. The goal isn't to never meet another loser. The goal is to strictly minimize the amount of time you waste on them.
> 
> It's often suggested around here that posters need to learn to be okay with being alone. And I think that's very important. But what that means is _not_ that you should give up on finding someone, get 12 cats, and become a lonely old lady. Rather, it means that you should learn to _not be afraid_ of this person not being the right one for you - because, as it turns out, the next one or the next, just might be. Approaching the search for a partner from a place of fear, of being afraid that you'll be alone forever if this one doesn't work out, makes you weak. It can lead you to give too many second chances, ignore red flags, put up with things you shouldn't, and generally blind you to what should be apparent incompatibilities and issues.
> 
> The truth is, you're always going to meet asshats. The trick is to quickly recognize them for what they are. And to move on, with no hesitation, second-guessing, hopeful waiting, or second/third/eleventyth chances once a guy reveals red flags to you. But to do that you've got to love and trust yourself, and not be afraid of what will happen if this guy - whoever he happens to be - doesn't turn out to be right for you. It is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. It just is.


very good post, and good advise for anybody that's dating.

i'm no longer in the pool, but i made many 'picker' mistakes myself along the way and stayed with some women I shouldn't have due to lack of confidence.

but i just got lucky and almost by accident found a gem and after almost 6 years of marriage, well, i just plain lucked out.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Yea all this is VERY good advice.
My confidence level is not that great, and that’s something I need to work on. I know every man that comes along is not going to be a match.
I can live with myself I’ve done it all my life even being a single mom.
But as my son gets older and doesn’t need me as much, I miss the adult companionship


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> Yea all this is VERY good advice.
> My confidence level is not that great, and that’s something I need to work on. I know every man that comes along is not going to be a match.
> I can live with myself I’ve done it all my life even being a single mom.
> But as my son gets older and doesn’t need me as much, I miss the adult companionship


Hang in there. There are good guys with good intentions out there.
To catch the best you must be the best. 
I try to be the best man I can be everyday. This has lead me to being the best 50+ boyfriend I can be. 
So I found a woman quickly. 
You will find someone too. I wish the best for you!


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

If you are only meeting people online then
that can be a big problem. You then only 
know what they tell you. Maybe lies ?
Sometimes in social groups and with friends
you can meet better people. Other people
will talk and tell you about people. Then you 
can weed out the bad ones. If nothing else
you can have fun and meet more people.

Anyone can fake an online profile. 
But in person it is harder to fake it
for to long.


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