# A little scared...



## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi – I am really not sure where to start, but lately I have been becoming more and more depressed about my relationship. I have had trust issues off and on as my husband spends a lot of time on the internet, but not as much as he used to. We have always fought off and on as well, and things get pretty bad. A couple nights ago, his phone dinged indicating that an email was coming in and so he was downstairs and I checked his email. In his deleted folder I noticed an email from some girl and it said, “Hey BABE, bla bla bla, and that she was wondering if he was deleting her emails and that they used to chat on Facebook, but she now thinks he has deleted her from Facebook. She went on and on about how she is single now and 23, and that he used to think she is cute and she thinks he is cute. Then she said if you really want to get a hold of me you have to do this and that and you can't tell anyone else, bla, bla... So then it starts to sound like spam from the sense that this email is all about porn spam. My husband is 50.

So I made the mistake of asking him who this woman is, and he got pissed and said that I was looking at his email, and I said yes, it dinged and first thought it was my iPhone, but noticed it was yours. He said he saw that email and had deleted it three times already. I did notice it was addressed to a weird email address, not his but in his inbox and was probably a list of undisclosed receipients. So of course, we get into this big fight and yes, I should not have looked at his mail, but it still pissed me off that I saw that so I wasn’t ready to say I am sorry yet. So he went downstairs to the basement to watch TV. After awhile, I went down there to apologize, and as he usually does, said, “you are not sorry, you are never sorry until you run out of all your options!” So we start arguing again and then he starts closing the door on me, and I try to keep it open and I am crying because he is not listening to me. Then he pushes me out of the way and I fell and hit the concrete basement floor and bruised my cheekbone, which now looks like a black eye and my chest hurts pretty bad. The next day he said he is sorry that he did that and that not matter what he will never do that again, but when I brought up that my chest was hurting, he got mad again last night and asked how long was I going to draw this out. That was the first I mentioned anything about hurting because he could already see the black eye. He said it was my fault because I got in the way.

I can’t talk to him about anything because he takes everything personal, so I feel totally lost and hopeless. Also, anytime we have a fight he calls me names and yells at me. I started doing that too to retaliate, but I have since stopped doing it because I am not going to stoop that low anymore. But according to him, I am verbally abusive, and everything is always my fault. For example, if he goes off on me and calls me a bunch of names, and I retaliate by calling him a name or two back, I am the one who was the verbally abusive one, and he never remembers what he said and why things got so out of control in the first place. He has serious anger issues unless everything goes his way. The minute I have a request, and believe me, I am so NOT a nag, he will yell at me and tell me to stop telling him what to do. I’m asking, not telling him. Everything is on his time schedule and I have to put up or shut up. As long as I do that, we get along.

I’m scared because I am becoming more and more unhappy with this situation. He swears to me that he is a totally faithful husband and really I do believe him. Even people that know him well say he is a very loyal person. So why did I check his email? I should not have done that. If someone wants to do things behind the other person’s back, they are going to do it no matter what. I do not want to live in this paranoid state because of all the stuff you read about and hear about people cheating. I am going to see a counselor on Friday to help me work through some of my issues. He told me I need to get help or else because a marriage needs to be based on trust. I will admit early on I did have trust issues because we got married so fast, but I have improved 90%, although I did slip up on Sunday and I feel bad because he says I am ruiing our marriage.

To just give you some background of me, I am almost 52. I have always looked younger than my age by about 10 years and have always taken very good care of my body, my skin and my health. I recently have gone through the “change” and that did cause me to be a little more hypersensitive about trust and miscellenous world issues. I am getting better though and I am starting to relax more about life in general, but I pretty much had little to no support from him throughout my whole menopause experience. It’s been tough as I would get yelled at for having a “moment” at times. I just feel hurt and wish he would be more supportive instead of lashing out at me when I am a little more sensitive at times.

Sorry this was sooo long...

T


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

He got a little too defensive to be totally innocent.. IMO

Your "gut feelings" are usually pretty accurate,, something told you to check....

If he is getting abusive, this is a major problem,, please don't accept this behavior. 


Sorry you are going through this, you will get a lot of good advice on here to help.


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi and thank you. Maybe I don't want to see the truth, I don't know. My stomach is torn to pieces after reading your post, but no fault of yours, just making me see things I don't want to see. I'm am really scared...and if he swears it was nothing, what else can I do. I am not going to resort to wasting my time and effort spying on him. I do believe though, if there is something going on that the truth will eventually come out.
Thanks again...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

If you feel like it, you could give some more info of your marriage: before menopause,,,, sometimes just writing things out can help calm you down.. 

People here will listen, it does help. Or at least if you write in a journal on your own.

I didn't mean to upset you with my earlier post. Definitely wasn't intended to..


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

No, you are fine. It's just so hard for me to think he would even cheat on me the slightest bit when he swears all along that he is a very devoted and faithful husband. He is home every night and seldom even goes and plays poker with his friends. He gets defensive he says because I am undermining the very core of his being and that truly upsets him. I could also see that. If he were questioning me and not trusting me or checked my email, I know I would be very upset and hurt. But no worries about your post. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. You are just saying how you see it, which is totally fine.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

But to get so upset as to shove you hard enough to fall, and not apologize till the next day>>> that is awful. I would have a problem with that.


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

Yes, I know it is not cool. To make it worse, he only said it in an email and it was a taboo subject for me to bring up last night at home because it was my fault that it happened because I tried to keep the door open when he wanted to get away from me because he was mad.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Is this the first time he's been physical with you? How long have you two been married? ( unless you said and I missed it).


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

It's the first time he has been physical with me, but in the past (outside of yelling and name calling), he has grabbed my arm in frustration. But two years ago when he was calling me every name in the book such as you F'n B, etc., I did slap him, and I have grabbed his tee shirt and hit him on the shoulder out of complete frustration because he was yelling at me so much and pointing his finger at me and mocking me and not letting me get a word in. He gets in a violent rage and then blames it on me.

We have been married almost 3 years. I had been married 20 years to my ex-husband and we never fought like this or crossed these kinds of lines. I wish I would have never left him sometimes, but I was the wrong doer in that relationship. I left him and forever feel guilty for doing so.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I"m not wanting to throw this assumption out there,, especially for not knowing more of your story,, but your H sounds like he fits in the Narcissist category...


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

Ha ha. It's actually funny that you say that because that is what he seems to think other people are. I actually think he fits it too. I was just reading about it. The other day, he printed out something about it and wanted me to read it because he thinks my 17-year-old son has that disorder. I think I'll read more about it tonight when I get home.


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