# In love but she's not happy



## dizzle92 (Jul 8, 2012)

My girlfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years now. At the beginning she was really happy cheerful and comforting to be around. Since about the last year, she has significantly deteriorated. She does not like me being in contact with anyone except her (friends cousins and especially other females). She gets angry ar me over small insignificant things and this has meant an argument almost everyday for the last year. She has many problems with her home life therefore the anger and frustration is justified. She recently told me the person she was when i met her was an act as she would never reveal herself to a stranger. She doesn't like her own friends much. I jus want to know how i can make her happier and to come above petty things.

Ive gotten her to talk about it a lot but she says that I'm meant to be an escape but its not in my nature to let someone suffer. 

I try to remains as calm as possible during our conflicts

I am a social person with many friends (whom i've had to cut off for her) and am still and always have been a happy person


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> *She recently told me the person she was when i met her was an act *as she would never reveal herself to a stranger.


Then she is now showing you the kind of person she is. THIS is the real her, not the person you met and fell in love with.

You cannot "make" anyone happy and you cannot "fix" anyone or their problems or the way they choose to deal with their problems. She has to want to change her life, her way of dealing with issues, and her perspective or nothing will change.

All you can do is decide whether you can handle her as she is without expecting any change, and without thinking you can save her and change her.


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## dizzle92 (Jul 8, 2012)

Im pretty sure she doesn't mean that. When something goes wrong EVERYTHING goes wrong so i doubt she genuinely means that. It always goes to an extreme feeling whichever feeling it may be


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Whether she means it or not, you said:



> Since about the last year, she has significantly deteriorated.


so you are the one who is seeing the truth of it.

My advice still stands - you can't change her. She is who she is, so either you can accept that or not, but you most certainly can't change her.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dizzle, I agree with everything NoraJane has said. It would be helpful if you would provide more information about your GF's behavior and background. Was she abandoned or abused in childhood? Does she do black-white thinking, wherein she catgegorizes everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me")? If so, does she recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other very quickly? Is her anger typically triggered, in just ten seconds, by a minor comment or infraction, resulting in a temper tantrum lasting a few hours? 

Further, does she have a great fear of abandonment, evident in irrational jealousy and the way she tries to isolate you away from friends and family? What does "I am meant to be an escape" mean? Are you convinced that she genuinely loves you? If the answers to any of these questions are "yes," please tell us why they seem to apply to her.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You mention your GF has a difficult home life, and I'm wondering what that entails? It also sounds as though she is depressed and has done what a lot of depressed people do - withdrawn from contact with others.

Unless your GF gets professional help for her issues, sadly this is going to impact on you even more - and that is unfair. You've said that already you've had to cut yourself off from family and friends on her account, which limits your own support systems. Can you suggest that your GF see a counselor and get help for her issues?


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