# Question: Sex Not Great But Rest Of Relationship Is?



## FamilyGuy (Aug 2, 2009)

I've been reading a lot of these threads and a common refrain I keep seeing is "our sex life is no good, but the rest of our relationship is great."

How can this be? I have seen posters here say things like (I'm paraphrasing) "how much of your marriage is spent having sex" as if to put it in perspective (i.e., it's a very small percentage of one's marriage, from the perspective of time spent). But that doesn't make sense to me; by that logic, sleeping is nearly a third of my marriage, and I don't devote any significant effort to it. 

Sex, and sexual intimacy, to me is the keystone of a good marriage: architecturally speaking, without it, the rest crumbles. Like many others here, I'm sick and tired of the excuses: who wants to be rejected by their spouse? My lack of sex, and lack of sexual intimacy, with my wife pervades every single aspect of my marriage. It makes me angry. It hurts. It depresses me when I stop to think about it.

But I persevere and am a "good soldier", helping with our kids, bringing home a good income. I'm a family man, and value a strong family life. There's nothing I would like more than to make mad passionate love with the mother of my children on a very regular basis, and if that brought another child into the world, so be it--it would be God's gift and if it ever got to the point that I had to flip burgers at McDonald's to support the extra mouth to feed, then so be it.

While I'm kind, caring, and respectful to my wife--from the outside, we probably appear to most to be a perfect couple--I struggle to continue being such a "good guy." I'm angry and resentful.

My intellectual curiosity is getting the best of me: how can posters here say "my sex life sucks, but the rest of my relationship is great"? Is it just that, for them, at the end of the day sex really isn't that important?

Thanks in advance--

FamilyGuy


----------



## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

I'm with you. Unless two totally asexual people get married and agree that there will be little to no sex in the marriage beforehand, it is a big deal!! If your marriage is going great, you WILL want to be intimate with your spouse, if not for sexual release, then just to be close to them in a physical/spiritual sense. If you say it's going great but there's no sex and you have no desire to, then sorry, it's not really going great!! Something is going on. :scratchhead:


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

TheLuckiest08 said:


> I'm with you. Unless two totally asexual people get married and agree that there will be little to no sex in the marriage beforehand, it is a big deal!! If your marriage is going great, you WILL want to be intimate with your spouse, if not for sexual release, then just to be close to them in a physical/spiritual sense. If you say it's going great but there's no sex and you have no desire to, then sorry, it's not really going great!! Something is going on. :scratchhead:


Tend to agree with this.

But marriages also go through "dry" spells and I don't think those should be cause for huge concern. Marriage is not a steady state (an understatement if there ever was one) nor should it be as both people are changing and growing. Partners are going to constantly be growing and learning...sometimes great patience is required to allow for the ebb and flow to just "be". 

Sometimes if one focuses on what they are not "getting" they forget what they are getting. Not that not getting any is not an issue, but it needs to be worked on and discovered why it isn't happening, not just sit and build resentment and anger, that will only make it worse.


----------



## ianpet07 (Aug 1, 2009)

I couldn't agree more FamilyGuy. I'm with you on this one.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

the trouble is (as ususal) the one who is sexually satisfied, ie.not having to have sex cause it is what they want, leaves the other party frustrated and wanting more. they are getting everything THEY desire out of the relationship.

I think alot of the advice given in the area assumes otherwise healthy sex appetites for both parties, its just that something is getting in the way and it is up to the party wanting the sex to make it better. in reality, i think that it is very possible that some people (man or woman) just dont want sex.


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> I think alot of the advice given in the area assumes otherwise healthy sex appetites for both parties, its just that something is getting in the way and it is up to the party wanting the sex to make it better. in reality, i think that it is very possible that some people (man or woman) just dont want sex.


Correct. 
After 30 years of marriage I would agree and add..."OR much of it" to the last line. 

For those of us left wanting it sucks. Our partners on the other hand are totally fulfilled in that department. 

The question is...what should the unfulfilled one do to fill the gap??


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

You basically have three options on what you can do. You can keep trying to convince your wife that you arent a pervert and that you need the sexual intimacy to feel loved. You can write it off as a lost part of your life your not going to get to enjoy. You can try both of those, realize after a few years maybe she isnt going to help you out and THEN you can move on.





John


----------



## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Familyguy, 

I can feel your pain. I have a wife that just doesn't act like she is sexually interested in me. She says she is but it feels more like lip service. They say one thing but do something totally different. I can ask my wife if she has any idea how many times we have made love this month and I get that deer in the head light look. She doesn't know. usually once per week if I get irritable and act like an ass. Then I will get the duty sex routine. "Oh honey, you seem irritable lately, do you want to make love?" That is such a turn off to me. I can get sex anytime I ask, but I don't want to ask. It would be nice if the W instigated the sex and it was done for reasons other than a tool to keep me happy. I would just as soon go buy some P***y on Craigslist. Then maybe I could get a women that acted like she wanted it. I know that sounds extreme and I have never cheated but it sure will put you in the mood to cheat.

I guess deep down it pisses me off because she has cheated in the past and we have never come to a conclusion as to why, other than blaming me for the problems in our marriage. I guess working a lot to put your spouse through college, nice cars, nice house, toys, etc.....is a reason to get pissed of and cheat while H is at work. :scratchhead: Just didn't spend enough time at home. 

If you get the answer, please share. Good Luck


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Beninyourshoes said:


> "Oh honey, you seem irritable lately, do you want to make love?" That is such a turn off to me. I can get sex anytime I ask, but I don't want to ask.


I am with you on that one. Perhaps some guys are quite satisfied to be 'allowed' to have sex their wife or significant other. That doesnt do anything much for me. Other then the rare loving 'favor' when one is too tired or something, sex should be a mutually desired and mutually pleasurable experience. If one is considerate of their lover and both enjoy the activity its not like suffering through root canal or something. LOL Thats why I think for some it just comes down to appetite. Some folks like a little slice of cake now and then, but only a little, and only now and then. The rest of the time they dont even think about cake.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

FamilyGuy said:


> I've been reading a lot of these threads and a common refrain I keep seeing is "our sex life is no good, but the rest of our relationship is great."
> 
> How can this be?


it really depends on the day. im in a sex starved marriage. two days ago i would have said my relationship sucks (all of it), but today, its ok. i would say i have a good relationship even though the sex sucks. just depends on the day.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

To me sex is not the cornerstone of marriage. Trust, respect are....
and without that, who cares about sex?
I feel too many people put too much into the sex act as it should be an expression of love, not the basis or cornersteone of the relationship.

No wonder the divorce rate is so high.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Yes, sex in a marriage SHOULD be an expression of love, but also of desire, intimacy, and FUN! So, if sex is an expression of love, and one party is refusing to have sex with the other, or holding out as a punishment or giving in as a reward, then what does THAT say about the love aspect of the relationship? 
Sex may not be the cornerstone, but it sure as heck is a support beam...take that away, and you are left with structural problems. My H and I have an AWESOME sex life. Neither of us hold out as a reward/punishment. On stress filled days, its a great stress buster, and on happy days, its just plain FUN! It helps us to feel connected on days when time is short, the pleasure we get from each other keeps us grounded, and the admiration we share for each other sexually is a great esteem boost in other areas of the marriage as well. 
So, in my opinion, when one or both partners forget all of that, then it really IS no wonder the divorce rate is so high!!


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Well said Mommybean.


----------



## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

preso said:


> To me sex is not the cornerstone of marriage. Trust, respect are....
> and without that, who cares about sex?
> I feel too many people put too much into the sex act as it should be an expression of love, not the basis or cornersteone of the relationship.
> 
> No wonder the divorce rate is so high.


To me, trust and respect have to be a critical part of the fabric of a marriage else sex, nor much else could/would ever happen. However, that's not all it takes to make it work. I don't think that you can put the sexual component of any marriage low on the radar unless both partners agree that is an appropriate place fo it to be. I believe that sexual satisfaction for both partners at any point in a marriage is one of several barometers that indicate whether or not a marriage is really working well.

I've lived almost 25 years with a woman whom I trust implicitly and greatly respect in almost every manner, but our sex life has always failed me since just after our oldest was brought to the surface (22 years ago). I've tried to figure out why our sex life has chronically been a dissappointment since that time and have come to believe that the reasons lie in what others have said above; some people can just go through life with less of that ingredient than others - that it's less important or meaningful to them in some way that is not easily grasped by someone who is more easliy motivated by physical pleasures.

The lack of the sex spice in my marriage has resulted in my marriage coming to a dissapointing conclusion after a long attempt to make it good. I've given up hoping, waiting, wanting, trying to do the right thing, and playing the "if you do this - I'll do that" game. Now what?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The posters who say that are not being honest with themselves. It is that simple. When the "foundation" is good you don't really think about it. When it cracks and the house crumbles - whole different story. And that is the genesis of the saying "sex, when it is good is 10 percent of the relationship, when it is bad, it becomes 90 percent of the relationship." 

If you want to help your W understand how you feel I have a suggestion. Tell her that you are both going on a total austerity program. All discretionary spending stops until you say otherwise. Because money is like sex - when plentiful a non-issue. But when in very short supply it becomes a constant source of stress. 

That said you have to figure out if she dislikes sex because she finds your behavior outside the bedroom "un-sexy" and/or your technique in bed sorely lacking. If she is just indifferent to your needs - that is one thing. But if she has a valid reason for being turned off - different story. 

Having a good job, being helpful at home - are great qualities. But they don't create sexual desire. Creating and then satisfying desire is a completely different set of behaviors/skills. 

Part of it may be she doesn't truly understand how important this is to you. A less fractious step would be to get her to read "his needs/her needs" and see if that helps. But ultimately if you don't demand respect - for yourself and your needs, nothing is going to change.




FamilyGuy said:


> I've been reading a lot of these threads and a common refrain I keep seeing is "our sex life is no good, but the rest of our relationship is great."
> 
> How can this be? I have seen posters here say things like (I'm paraphrasing) "how much of your marriage is spent having sex" as if to put it in perspective (i.e., it's a very small percentage of one's marriage, from the perspective of time spent). But that doesn't make sense to me; by that logic, sleeping is nearly a third of my marriage, and I don't devote any significant effort to it.
> 
> ...


----------

