# Are you keeping your significant other from achieving his or her dreams?



## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

I know we like to view ourselves as being supportive and an asset to our love partners, but is this perception a reflection of reality or just an aspiration? During my sessions with couples, I typically find the later to be more accurate. Most people seem to believe they are doing a good job of being an asset to their mate, but come up short when their actions are put under the microscope. Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself to determine how much of an asset you are to your partner.

1. Do you really understand your partners' lifestyle desires? Sure, he or she may talk to you about career goals, but what about lifestyle goals? Are you sure your wife wants to have multiple children? Are you certain that your husband doesn't mind taking any job that enables him to provide for the family? Write down what you believe your partners' lifestyle desires are and then go and ask them what they are? How accurate is your list when compared to the answers your partner provided? If more than 30 percent of your answers are wrong; don't consider yourself a complete asset to your partner. Everything begins with knowing those desires. How can you be assisting your partner with reaching their lifestyle desires if you don't really know what they are?

2. Is the pursuit of your lifestyle desires causing your partner to lose out on their dreams? This is a tough question to answer, but it must be addressed. Far too often; the desires of one person will inhibit their partners' desires. This behavior creates resentment that often bears its ugly face years after vows of everlasting love were taken. It can be a relationship killer and this seems to be occurring more frequently than ever before. The most successful relationships allow each person to realistically pursue and achieve the majority of his or her lifestyle desires. If you aren't spending at least one quarter of your time and money on the lifestyle desires of your partner; a significant change may be needed in your relationship.

3. Do you believe your lifestyle dreams are more important than anyone else's? This can happen more easily than most people expect. We live in a society that breeds selfishness and it shows up in our relationships. We don't believe this because we want to suppress the dreams of others. We just have become convinced that living our lifestyle dreams will satisfy the desires of others. We think everyone simply wants to be wealthy and have a beautiful family, but that can be far from the truth. Wealth can never fully quench a thirst for personal and social relevance. People like to be respected for their skills and your money doesn't meet that desire. Your professional accolades cannot completely fulfill lthe lifestyle desires of your mate; unless all of their desires are geared towards your career achievements. You will be hard pressed to find someone like this. Remember, we don't live in a society that esteems this behavior and this way of thinking doesn't develop out of nowhere. If you truly believe that your dreams are more important than your partners, it is time to re-evaluate your thinking. A successful partnership requires high consideration for everyone's dreams.


Now that you've answered these questions; how much of an asset are you? Are you helping your partner achieve his or her dreams or are you simply getting in the way? 

Joseph Lorick
Money Etiquette - MoneyEtiquette


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That's the kind of partner I was, and that's the kind of partner I'm looking to partner up with. <3


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mr.D.E.B.T. said:


> 1. Are you sure your wife wants to have multiple children? Are you certain that your husband doesn't mind taking any job that enables him to provide for the family? Write down what you believe your partners' lifestyle desires are and then go and ask them what they are? How accurate is your list when compared to the answers your partner provided? If more than 30 percent of your answers are wrong; don't consider yourself a complete asset to your partner. Everything begins with knowing those desires. How can you be assisting your partner with reaching their lifestyle desires if you don't really know what they are?


 We talked long and hard about all of this before we married... we both agreed on at least X amount of kids.... a good job to provide was very important...he did a little college but didn't get anything out of it....his being a model employee came before our leisure... Bills need paid...and if the job goes







... so does the order of our marriage and our dreams.......we'd do whatever it took to meet our bills , work towards getting debt free as the years passed...and build our family....Working together hand in hand..If we could swing it, he preferred me to stay home..and that is what I have done....(with only small side jobs throughout the years) 

I've helped him do roofs, pull transmissions, body work on cars, lay cement, etc etc ..to save us from hiring another..

Once we toyed with the idea...better pay, but an Over the road truck driving Job....we decided against this...as we'd miss each other too much.. More $$ is not always worth it.

Other times he could have made $$ but these jobs didn't have good health benefits, so without that figured in, he stayed put. 

We've always brainstormed together weighing every option and having a "peace" about it - so it's never been an issue for us. Married 23 yrs. 



> 2. Is the pursuit of your lifestyle desires causing your partner to lose out on their dreams? This is a tough question to answer, but it must be addressed. Far too often; the desires of one person will inhibit their partners' desires. This behavior creates resentment that often bears its ugly face years after vows of everlasting love were taken. It can be a relationship killer and this seems to be occurring more frequently than ever before. The most successful relationships allow each person to realistically pursue and achieve the majority of his or her lifestyle desires. If you aren't spending at least one quarter of your time and money on the lifestyle desires of your partner; a significant change may be needed in your relationship.


 We've always held to a simple lifestyle model .....Both desired a house in the country/ a little land, make it our own ..... Have some kids, enjoy them... meet our bills, take family vacations to Disney every so many yrs, have friends around us... and enjoy life & living.. nothing lavish... nothing 1st class. 

We've never bucked heads here. We are both frugal home bodies anyway, so it's been an easy ride to be on the same page.... We drive older cars & they seem as reliable as our friends who have brand new ones while taking yrs to pay off.



> Now that you've answered these questions; how much of an asset are you? Are you helping your partner achieve his or her dreams or are you simply getting in the way?


 Since our dreams were always in alignment... it's been pretty easy to support each other ...always an enthusiasm to move ahead, get projects finished... . He's been a great husband who is on top of things, and I know he'd say I am an excellent helpmate ... 

Compatibility in these things - has been our friend.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

SimplyAmorous
Compatibility in these things - has been our friend.:)[/QUOTE said:


> Thank you for sharing your story. It is so insipirational and this board is better because of stories like this. Congrats and keep teaching us.:smthumbup:


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Such an important topic. 

I took a break from my job to stay at home with our kids, after making an agreement with H that he would take advantage of his flexibility (he's a freelancer and has a huge amount of freedom in setting his own schedule) to pitch on on childcare so I could keep my skills current by working approx. 10 hours per week. 

It worked while we had one kid, but fell apart when the second came along. He stopped helping, said deadlines had become less flexible. I believed him. Five years--and lots of struggle on my part to arrange child care--later, he confesses that he could have made it work but just didn't prioritize it. 

I'm hurt. Devastated. I'm afraid my career will never recover from the neglect, which of course was a risk even with his support. He knew having a career was important to me, but I didn't realize how let down I'd feel when he didn't support that. I wish I'd called him out on not keeping up his end instead of just believing him. But I didn't think he'd lie to me.

So, yeah. Really important conversation to have periodically even if you think you're on the same page.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

We were on the same page when we met and fell in love. Unfortunately, over time and life circumstances, we have diverged. I need to figure out whether I can keep going in this if my wife's apparent lifestyle goal (to never work again) is actually true.


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