# A Nine Year Cloud



## RogerRarebit (Aug 31, 2013)

I'm not even sure where to start, this story is so long, but will try to keep it brief. I have been married for 6 years, have 2 small children. Before I met my wife, she had a 2-year affair with a married man while living in a different state, his wife never found out.

Early in our relationship, while snooping, I discovered a sex tape, printed emails, love letters, and journals concerning their affair. I didn't do anything, as I didn't want to admit to snooping, and figured it all happened before I'd met her anyway, so was none of my business. A few months later, she accidentally sent me a sexual text that was meant for him, which blew everything wide open. I looked at her phone bills, and discovered she was talking to him on almost a daily basis. After months of arguing, she finally agreed to let him go.

Fast forward a few months, just before I am going to propose to her - I look at her phone and see she is calling and 'sexting' him again. Naturally, I don't propose, and we go through the whole ordeal again. Promises to stop - yet again.

Now fast forward three years. One child, and she leaves her email open on our computer, where I discover she started emailing him again. Again with the excuses and promise that she will truly stop this time. I told her that if it ever happens again I will divorce her, that she is hurting me, and should let this guy go.

Now fast forward two more years. Yesterday I went to log onto facebook, she had not logged off, and I see that she recently AGAIN started emailing him. She claims they are simply friends, and the emails are pretty harmless, although he call her beautiful, and asks her to come see him (she is due to travel through his area soon)- to which she replies "I can't, I will have my kids with me." Not 'I just want to be friends, or don't think it would be right, etc'.

So what do I do now? I told her last night I am not willing to share her with him, that even if they aren't having a physical relationship, this has been our one and only issue - that unfortunately keeps rearing its head.

Please give advice! I am kind of leaning towards separating, because I can no longer trust her, and although she will most likely promise to stop contact, how can I believe her this time?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Brother. 3 times is a charm. File for divorce. Now. ASAP.

She will never respect you if you don't. Without real consequences her behavior will never change. She will just learn to take it underground making it harder for you to detect. Your misery will increase exponentially over time. If she truly decides to reconcile with you it can happen after the divorce where she competes with every other female on the planet. Start working out now, up your sex ranking. 

BTW. you should DNA test your child. You would not be the first man whose wife used him for child rearing another man's baby while her sexual jollies were taken care of by the real father.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

The chances that your wife has continued to have an affair with this man throughout the years is extremely high. Likely, she has just taken her infidelity further underground and found a better way to hide it throughout the years.

Your words and warnings throughout the years have not discouraged her cheating ways. She has called your bluff time and time again. 

There is no such thing as "just friends" when it comes to hanging onto someone you've slept with as a friend when you're married. You need to stop listening to her words and start looking at her actions. They speak louder and they tell you the truth.

I would start snooping more. It's time to look at her phone, her phone records, other emails, credit card bills etc. see if there is an IM chat history. Many people here may tell you to get a VAR and to install a keylogger on the PC. Personally, I never needed this much proof that I was being betrayed. However, I think that for you it's a wise idea since you seem to need the proof to slap you in the face in order for you to act.

I would suggest insisting on NO CONTACT whatsoever and if she doesn't agree or tries to contact him behind your back, then actually filing for divorce. You don't need to go ahead with it in the future if she turns around. However you do need more than your bluffs and threats to tell her you mean business.

Outside of that, I would expose the prior affair to OM's wife and tell her that they are still contacting each other "as friends" on Facebook. The wife deserves to know what kind of man she is married to. It will also make staying in contact with your wife less desirable to the other man as it will cause him trouble at home.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

There's not much to say here. It sounds like you kept finding red flags and just kept ignoring them, even before you married and had a kid with her. The fact of the matter is you CAN'T trust her. That should be blatantly obvious at this point. You need to file for divorce. You're married to an unrepentant cheater. At the very least you should tell this guy's wife what he and your wife have been up to before you kick her to the curb. And DNA test that kid (yes yes I know he looks just like you, you're 100% positive he's yours, etc etc do it anyway).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jasel said:


> There's not much to say here. It sounds like you kept finding red flags and just kept ignoring them, even before you married and had a kid with her. The fact of the matter is you CAN'T trust her. That should be blatantly obvious at this point. You need to file for divorce. You're married to an unrepentant cheater. At the very least you should tell this guy's wife what he and your wife have been up to before you kick her to the curb. And DNA test that kid (yes yes I know he looks just like you, you're 100% positive he's yours, etc etc do it anyway).


:iagree:

Also, Cheaterville for them?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why would you let the OM freely contact your W all this time? Why have you never contacted the OMW? Tell her she is free to persue him, then file.

Read the newbie thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think it is pretty obvious what you need to do. You threatened her with divorce if she contacted him again and she did. This means that she would rather lose her marriage than stopping contact with him. This means she loves him more than you. I would suggest:
1. Get a paternity test on your child even if it seems ridiculous to you.
2. Find a good lawyer to understand your options.

She simply does not love you enough and she loves him more. I also think that you should contact his wife as well.

He texts her saying she is beautiful and come see him and she tells you it is harmless. Clearly she think you are an idiot. Are you?


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## RogerRarebit (Aug 31, 2013)

The contact was not continuous, she would in fact stop for a couple of years (can confirm by checking phone bills, email and facebook). But, after a period of time, contact would start again...

And yes, I do feel like an idiot!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Ever have an itch up on your back that you couldn't reach?
Your cheater (or eventually will be) has an itch that you can't reach but that the guy she was with before you could.
You're not an idiot. Just one of the rest of us who tried to save something that was passed saving.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Open your eyes. She is not the person you think she is. She has been in contact with him continuously. You just don't have immediate proof of it. Use your common sense. For example, burner phones, work email, AIM, Skype, Facebook, etc. She uses ways to lay low, make you believe it is over. If she tells you otherwise she is just lying to you. Lying to your face. Lying comes naturally to cheaters. 3 times brother. Cheater Trifecta! You catch her, she takes in underground, after some time figures you are not looking then surfaces again for ease of communication. Cheater script, same nonsense over and over on TAM CWI, she is just a new player.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

DNA your kids and file for divorce and change your locks.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You should tell his wife.

Then you probably should respect your words, unlike the last few dozen times. Why should she believe that you would follow through your words when you couldn't do it yourself ? Why should she even change ?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Open your eyes. She is not the person you think she is. She has been in contact with him continuously. You just don't have immediate proof of it. Use your common sense. For example, burner phones, work email, AIM, Skype, Facebook, etc. She uses ways to lay low, make you believe it is over. If she tells you otherwise she is just lying to you. Lying to your face. Lying comes naturally to cheaters. 3 times brother. Cheater Trifecta! You catch her, she takes in underground, after some time figures you are not looking then surfaces again for ease of communication. Cheater script, same nonsense over and over ion TAM CWI, she is just a new player.


You made mistakes so what we all do now the big next move is to fix this and learn from it. DNA test your kid to mainly show what you think of her word get your financial ducks in a row and file you can always stop it if she truly changes but...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You should tell his wife.
> 
> Then you probably should respect your words, unlike the last few dozen times. Why should she believe that you would follow through your words when you couldn't do it yourself ? Why should she even change ?


Yes tell the wife asap!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You drew a very correct line in the sand when you said you would divorce her. She is not trustworthy. She actually sounds like a serial cheater. So sorry. I think you should divorce.


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You drew a very correct line in the sand when you said you would divorce her. She is not trustworthy. She actually sounds like a serial cheater. So sorry. I think you should divorce.


Hmm why does every man get told to divorce but every woman is encouraged to expose and force the wh out of his fog???? Oh double standard lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Thing is you married her even though you knew this was lurking under the surface.

Twice you caught her, even told her you'd divorce her if it ever happened again....she did it again. Apparently she knows you're not a man of your word, so she will do it again. 

*not berating the man, simply pointing out even after repeated warnings on his part she still breaks her promises.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

STD test
Paternity test
file for D
Post them on Cheaterville
Move on with your life.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

workindad said:


> STD test
> Paternity test
> file for D
> Post them on Cheaterville
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have a hope for reconcilliation, ask her to take a polygraph. That will tell you how eager she really is. You may get all the way to the parking lot before she comes clean.

Your biggest problem is that she has always loved him and he just uses her for sex and she uses you for a beta male provider.

You will always be her plan b. If he divorced his wife today, she would be gone tomorrow. Tell her you talked to him and that's what he told you. You can help her pack.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

canuckprincess said:


> Hmm why does every man get told to divorce but every woman is encouraged to expose and force the wh out of his fog???? Oh double standard lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This affair has gone on for years it has never stopped. You just have not caught her all the other times.

This affair must be exposed. Tell the OMW. Expose to WW parents, siblings, and grandparents. Copy and past OM FB contact list. Then expose one at a time. Allow 2 minutes between each post so FB does not block you as a spammer.

DNA kids is a must.

Polygraph is also a must.


How old are your kids?

Then contact an attorney and file. You have to show WW that you mean what you say. You can file then have your attorney stall. This will shake up WW.


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## ceejay93 (Jun 29, 2013)

You said you'd divorce her if it happens again.

You now have two choices:
1) Show that you're a man of integrity who values his word and divorce her ASAP!
2) Be a b1tch!

5hit position to be in and I sincerely hope that you consider your happiness. Not in the short term, but 10-20 years from now.


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

That's it scare her straight make her a prisoner, put her on a leash and a tracking devise around her neck. That will keep her loyal and faithful lol. Ya listen to these people cause they can't control their relationships so they have the authority to tell you what you should and shouldn't do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

canuckprincess said:


> That's it scare her straight make her a prisoner, put her on a leash and a tracking devise around her neck. That will keep her loyal and faithful lol. Ya listen to these people cause they can't control their relationships so they have the authority to tell you what you should and shouldn't do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahhh, yes, it's better to take the advice of a woman who was having sex with a married man... the advice of an unremorseful OW is helpful.... how?

As for your statement of the double standard above... no, even if it were a woman who had told her husband "if I catch this one more time, I'm divorcing you..." the advice would be the same as what has been given to the OP here.

Roger, you told her you were divorcing her if she did it again. You do realize that if you don't, she's going to see that she can get away with it because your threats are empty. File the papers. And expose to the OMW what he has been doing.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I would D ASAP. 

But I really think you need to seek IC to understand why you have such a low opinion of yourself to have repeatedly kept this serial liar and cheater in your life. I counted 4 times you caught her yet stayed with her.

The cheating is 100% on her. But you continually allowing yourself to be a doormat in 100% on you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You knew she was a cheater, having an affair with a married man, before you married her. This did not raised a big giant flag in your head, why is that?

Are you surprised that she continue to do so after the marriage?

She had shown you she does not respect marriage. Why do you think she would change her fundamental mindset with you?

She's a cheater. Let her go. 

Tell her lover's wife. That much you must do.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Why in the world have you never exposed this crap to his BW?

Stop being a doormat.

You bluster at her that 'next' time there will be serious consequences then do....NOTHING.

No wonder she has never stopped.

Only the threat of real consequences could make her change her pattern. She has never faced any at all.

And canuckprincess is right about one thing, all the boundaries and controls in the world cannot STOP her from cheating.

But setting them and then seeing her break them gives YOU the chance for self-respect by kicking her lying, cheating a** to the curb hard.


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## RogerRarebit (Aug 31, 2013)

Thank you for all of the advice! My kids are 4 and 1. We are going to sit down and talk later this morning, after the kids go to their grandparents. I am going to tell her I am filing for divorce and see if she would like to discuss arrangements (custody, etc) amicably. I know she will tell the same old story and claim that she chooses me.....problem is, I've heard it all before. I will, however, offer to go to counseling while we get the ball rolling on divorce, though I don't really see that helping any at this point.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

RogerRarebit said:


> Thank you for all of the advice! My kids are 4 and 1. We are going to sit down and talk later this morning, after the kids go to their grandparents. I am going to tell her I am filing for divorce and see if she would like to discuss arrangements (custody, etc) amicably. * I know she will tell the same old story and claim that she chooses me.....problem is, I've heard it all before. * I will, however, offer to go to counseling while we get the ball rolling on divorce, though I don't really see that helping any at this point.


Write your words, I highlighted, on your hand and look at them every time she speaks. 

You have a lot to go. Start reading this book too.

No More Mr Nice Guy

BTW, Take back some control, Make a point your not covering for her and won't be her accomplice anymore. Inform the OMW.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Before I met my wife, *she had a 2-year affair with a married man while living in a different state, his wife never found out.*
> 
> Early in our relationship, while snooping, I discovered a sex tape, printed emails, love letters, and journals concerning their affair. I didn't do anything, as I didn't want to admit to snooping, and figured it all happened before I'd met her anyway, so was none of my business. A few months later, she accidentally sent me a sexual text that was meant for him, which blew everything wide open. I looked at her phone bills, and discovered she was talking to him on almost a daily basis. *After months of arguing, she finally agreed to let him go.
> *
> ...





Glad your finally taking a stand but the next women you meet you should set firm boundaries early into the relationship. I'm cant see how you would let the relationship get this far because the red flags were freakin huge from the beginning.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why waste money on counseling------

You drew your line in the sand---she challenged you---KNOWING THE FAMILY WAS AT STAKE---

You need to D, her, that's all there is to this---she obviously is locked into him, and will NEVER let him go

How many times, do you intend to listen to her lies---you also must realize the woman you married is a HOMEWRECKER, in her own right, as she had her A with him, while HE WAS MARRIED----she seems to have very little, if any in the way of morals


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your old lady is truely sorry she will ask the OMW for support for your marriage.

The reason the OM continues to fish for your old lady is cuz he never had to face any consequences.

If your wife really want sto get rid of the OM she will tell his wife.

Hell you should tell the OMW!!!!!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

canuckprincess said:


> That's it scare her straight make her a prisoner, put her on a leash and a tracking devise around her neck. That will keep her loyal and faithful lol. Ya listen to these people cause they can't control their relationships so they have the authority to tell you what you should and shouldn't do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Skanks come with all kinds of plumbing. If one spouse is cheating, then it means that only one spouse is trying to make the marriage work. 
In spite of my own failures,I ALWAYS suggest rewriting one's dance card when they discover their spouse has already rewrote theirs.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

RogerRarebit said:


> I told her that if it ever happens again I will divorce her, that she is hurting me, and should let this guy go.


The rest of your post doesn't matter. She has been a cheater for nine years, time to go. I hate hindsight, but you were given 2 chances to boot her and you had a child. 

Divorce. There are times where I sit back and say work it out or nothing. She has a sextape, remained in contact, lied to you about contact and then contacted him again.

As my mom used to say "[email protected]#$T or get off the pot!" It's time to get off the pot.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Want to end the affair? Besides telling the OM's wife, send her all the proof you have along with the sex tape so she can see for herself. That should put a serious crimp in their underwear.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ugh cmon you KNOW the answer.

Honestly we are getting some who should just have 'welcome' stamped on their foreheads as that is what doormats look like. CUT IT OUT!

DNA the kids. There is like a 50% chance they are not yours.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Pretty good advice your getting here dude. To summarize:

1.DNA test your kids

2.File for divorce immediately (Its a lenghty process that can be stopped or postponed later)

3.Expose the affair. (To OM's wife and your WW's family.)


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Roger

The advice has been spot on.

You need to show your wife real consequences.

And you need to expose the Affair.

Let us know how your talk went with your wife.

And do yourself a favor. 

Copy all the emails, texts, Confiscate the sex video and other evidence you might need now.

Hide it somewhere safe.

It is leverage you should have just in case you need it.

Judge your wife by her actions, not by her words.

HM64


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## RogerRarebit (Aug 31, 2013)

The talk went well, she agreed to start counseling. I didn't tell her my intention to divorce, because I want time to meet with my attorney this week, gather evidence, and (at least try to) protect my assets. But yes, I agree and thank you all for the advice. Now I can at least start the process I should have started years ago.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

One of your first priorities is contacting the other mans wife. Let het know her husband wants your wife to come see him. This brings up the question of whether or not he has been to see her. Has she traveled in his "area" before?


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## RogerRarebit (Aug 31, 2013)

Not without me she hasn't, he lives three hours away, in the same town as her grandparents. I always made it a point to make this trip with her!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

RogerRarebit said:


> Not without me she hasn't, he lives three hours away, in the same town as her grandparents. I always made it a point to make this trip with her!


We have seen several here meet half way. Many men would drive three hours to meet up with a woman.

If you end up reconciling a poly test is in order. Hate to bring up the dna thing but it is what it is.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

RogerRarebit said:


> Thank you for all of the advice! My kids are 4 and 1. We are going to sit down and talk later this morning, after the kids go to their grandparents. *I am going to tell her I am filing for divorce and see if she would like to discuss arrangements (custody, etc) amicably.* I know she will tell the same old story and claim that she chooses me.....problem is, I've heard it all before. * I will, however, offer to go to counseling while we get the ball rolling on divorce, though I don't really see that helping any at this point.*





RogerRarebit said:


> *The talk went well, she agreed to start counseling. I didn't tell her my intention to divorce, because I want time to meet with my attorney this week, gather evidence, and (at least try to) protect my assets.* But yes, I agree and thank you all for the advice. Now I can at least start the process I should have started years ago.


Dear RR,

My fear for you is that you will (if you haven't already) get cold feet about filing for divorce, will attempt to R with your WW and, a few years down the road, will find yourself in exactly the same situation you are now.

Your comments above evidence serious confusion over what you intend to do. In the earlier post above, you said you intended to discuss divorce. In your last post, you said you have put off mentioning divorce to give yourself time to gather evidence and get your affairs in order. Nothing wrong with either plan, as long as you follow through. However, you have a history of not following through and I believe you will not this time either. Why do I believe that?

Because, in both of these posts, you say you also intend to start "counseling" with her (by which I presume you mean marriage counseling). The purpose of marriage counseling is the opposite of the purpose of divorce. Hence, you seem to be holding on to two diametrically opposed objectives -- to D your WW and to R with her. You need to ask yourself, which do you really want and then to forsake the other objective. But my guess is that you will not do this, you will start marriage counseling, she will make some new promises and your marriage will (temporarily) improve, you will drop your plans to divorce her and, in a few years, you will learn that she has started up with the OM again (or perhaps with a different man).

Based on the story you have given us and the experience of countless others who have found themselves in situations like yours (married to a person who has repeatedly cheated after promising to stop), the likelihood that you can have a healthy, happy marriage with your WW is vanishingly small. Thus, if you decide to attempt R, at least accept the fact that you will have to closely monitor her communications for years to come, that there will be enormous and indefinite emotional strain on you and that your attempt at R will likely fail.

Of course, this is your marriage and your life so it is up to you to decide what is the best course of action. But, before you become committed to R, I would urge you to read two books: _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay (Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.) and _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy). The first book explains what a healthy relationship between a husband and wife looks like and how to achieve it. The second addresses problems that a lot of guys who are in your situation suffer from and how to address them.

I endorse most of the other advice you have received (notify the OMW, ask your WW to take a polygraph test, DNA test your kids, etc.). But no advice is of any value unless it is understood, accepted and acted upon.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

RogerRarebit said:


> Thank you for all of the advice! My kids are 4 and 1. We are going to sit down and talk later this morning, after the kids go to their grandparents. I am going to tell her I am filing for divorce and see if she would like to discuss arrangements (custody, etc) amicably. I know she will tell the same old story and claim that she chooses me.....problem is, I've heard it all before. *I will, however, offer to go to counseling while we get the ball rolling on divorce, though I don't really see that helping any at this point.*


:scratchhead: *Absolutely Pointless*. 

And you will continue to be a doormat if you offer MC. 

Since she is a seasoned serial liar and cheater, she will most likely accept MC to just string you along, you'll feel happy about it, and the cycle will continue. Please don't do that. Tell her your divorcing and leave it at that. Move on with your life WITHOUT HER !!!!!!!


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Female here, 

Questions- 

You describe a marriage where you are constantly patrolling the boundaries of your marriage and her behavior- why are you torturing yourself in that way and have been??? It's almost like you have a cuckhold fantasy. Playing marriage cop is exhausting and think of all the things in life you could have been improving instead of playing warden to her? 


She wants him so bad? Pffft..send her packing. When a woman displays these types of repetative behaviors, she's pretty much a lost cause. The only way she would get this out of her system is if they got to be together on a permanent basis. The "forbidden" aspect of this is what keeps it going- I can guarantee your were plan B. I've known many man women like this and I hate to say it but my childhood best friend is this woman. They hook up with steady providers for the meal ticket and have the sumthin sumthin on the side that they give their heart to. It's a horrible pattern and I believe rooted in psychological issues. 

AS every other poster stated above, marriage counseling only buys her time to plan better. She will take it underground, lay low for a year or two and then "meat is back on the menu". 


You got a lot going for you- if your a decent looking bloke, have a good head on your shoulder and can pull yourself together you will actually recover much faster than her. You will be quite surprised and relieved at how fast you will heal once your are not spending precious energy patrolling her. 

1. Divorce- (only cuz she's serial, otherwise I'm pro marriage)

Speaking of your handle you picked, remember the line when the detective sees bombshell Jessica Rabbit and says...."Rogers married to her??" and betty boop says..."Yes, she is such a lucky girl"


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Female here, 

Questions- 

You describe a marriage where you are constantly patrolling the boundaries of your marriage and her behavior- why are you torturing yourself in that way and have been??? It's almost like you have a cuckhold fantasy. Playing marriage cop is exhausting and think of all the things in life you could have been improving instead of playing warden to her? 


She wants him so bad? Pffft..send her packing. When a woman displays these types of repetative behaviors, she's pretty much a lost cause. The only way she would get this out of her system is if they got to be together on a permanent basis. The "forbidden" aspect of this is what keeps it going- I can guarantee your were plan B. I've known many man women like this and I hate to say it but my childhood best friend is this woman. They hook up with steady providers for the meal ticket and have the sumthin sumthin on the side that they give their heart to. It's a horrible pattern and I believe rooted in psychological issues. 

AS every other poster stated above, marriage counseling only buys her time to plan better. She will take it underground, lay low for a year or two and then "meat is back on the menu". 


You got a lot going for you- if your a decent looking bloke, have a good head on your shoulder and can pull yourself together you will actually recover much faster than her. You will be quite surprised and relieved at how fast you will heal once your are not spending precious energy patrolling her. 

1. Divorce- (only cuz she's serial, otherwise I'm pro marriage)

Speaking of your handle you picked, remember the line when the detective sees bombshell Jessica Rabbit and says...."Rogers married to her??" and betty boop says..."Yes, she is such a lucky girl"


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

RogerRarebit said:


> Thank you for all of the advice! My kids are 4 and 1. We are going to sit down and talk later this morning, after the kids go to their grandparents. I am going to tell her I am filing for divorce and see if she would like to discuss arrangements (custody, etc) amicably. I know she will tell the same old story and claim that she chooses me.....problem is, I've heard it all before. I will, however, offer to go to counseling while we get the ball rolling on divorce, though I don't really see that helping any at this point.


Here's the problem RR. You didn't give her consequences for multiple cheating episodes (yes, every time she contacted him again counts):

Now, you've painted yourself into a corner. Nothing short of a D will be a significant enough consequence. When a BS get's into this predicament, it's too late - that's when the marriage is over. 

The alternative is a false R that likely includes further cheating and a lack of remorse from her - and most importantly, ongoing misery to you. Attempting R would be a losing gamble, and simply be delaying the inevitable. 

Agreeing to counseling is not a good idea. It's only purpose would be if you are considering R - and you shouldn't be. 

Implement the 180 to help you detach, get your D rolling, and move on with your life. You deserve better than her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree that counseling is saying you want to work this M out. I agree that you need time to protect your assets and get a better plan in order. Start the 180 big time. Lawyer up. This is a LTA and will not anytime soon. Tell the wife. Get the evidence to her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

RogerRarebit said:


> So what do I do now?





RogerRarebit said:


> I told her that if it ever happens again I will divorce her


You either do what you said you were going to do, or you continue living with a remorseless serial cheater who knows you will continue to elicit empty threats that you have no intention of following through with.

It really is that simple.


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