# Husband can't help himself, please help!



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I posted this in another thread but I have an update, see below:

"I've been down the same path as you. My husband has been detached from our marriage for years. We start MC last year and I find out he is still in love with an "old friend". They see each other, he pours out his heart to her, mostly about our marriage (he won't talk to me), they call each other and text. She is married too! This has been going on for 12 years! 

A complete lack and absence of boundaries from him and her. They have none. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. He really doesn't. And neither does she.

He blames me, quote: "you should have told me before we got married what you expected of me"!!! I said "you should have told me about your secret love of your life before we got married". 

He also added that if in the future him and her are single he would try to pursue a relationship with her. Nice huh.

No wonder he can't emotionally connect to me. I told him I wanted him to go no contact late last year. He told me to go f$#k myself and said I was trying to control him. He moved out. 3 months later he was asking to come home. I told him he has to ditch the "friend". He did. Fast forward to now, he tells me he wants a divorce because he misses "her" and has "nobody to talk to" and my "expectations of him are too high".

Are you kidding me? He just does not have what it takes to be in a marriage. It is clear after all the MC we've been through that he is emotionally retarded, unable to connect with the primary relationship person - me, his wife. I said FINE go ahead and file, I will not live the rest of my life like this, and when are you moving out?? "

*UPDATE*: A few days after I posted this he asked if we could continue with MC and if he could stay in the house while we "worked on things". I agreed.

Today I check the OW's facebook page (I am not a friend but can see her wall) and he's hooked up with her again, the same day we had this conversation about MC.

I just confronted him and he said yes he is in contact with her. I told him to move out ASAP, on his next day off, and I never want to see him again. All contact concerning child visitation can be through an attorney. Who I will hire at HIS expense in the next few days. I also told him I thought this is never going to end, and that our relationship had no chance from the start. 

I also wished him and her luck together.

I am sick to my stomach with this mess. I have a IC appointment in 2 hrs and I am not going to let the therapist tell me my anger and disgust is not appropriate. I want him gone... I think I have every right to feel the way I do. I have been betrayed and lied to right from the start. I makes me want to throw up.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

number 1

he can help himself, he chooses not to

number 2

you can't work on a marriage while there is a 3rd party involved

number 3

he is blameshifting you, you are not at fault

number 4

read the welcome newbies link in my signature




lastly


you are doing the right thing by not allowing him to cake eat and have him move out, keep up with being strong


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

So where are you now? Has he moved out?

This is a very unusual situation. You just found out last year that he has had this relationship for the entirety of your marriage?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I told him today to move out.

Yes I found out about his "true" feelings for his "friend" about 6 mths ago. He has been seeing, texting, phoning her for the entirity of our marriage. He tells her everything.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I told him today to move out.
> 
> Yes I found out about his "true" feelings for his "friend" about 6 mths ago. He has been seeing, texting, phoning her for the entirity of our marriage. He tells her everything.


OMG!!!!!! 

Is she married?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start exposing too

if she's married tell her husband, inform his parents and family as well


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Tell me about it!! And he has the nerve to tell me I expect too much from him. That I have the problem, he doesn't. That there is nothing wrong with what he is doing.

I refuse to let my little boy grow up seeing that pathetic, weak, moral-less person as a example of a marriage. Its sick. He is sick.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> start exposing too
> 
> if she's married tell her husband, inform his parents and family as well


Her husband knows, and she tells her husband she is not inetrested in my H as anything but a friend. Obviously her husband has no boundaries also. 

When I feel a bit stronger, I will be calling his family and requesting coffee with them and tell them my side of the story. I do not want everyone to think I am what he tells me I am: messed up and insecure and controlling.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Her husband knows, and she tells her husband she is not inetrested in my H as anything but a friend. Obviously her husband has no boundaries also.
> 
> When I feel a bit stronger, I will be calling his family and requesting coffee with them and tell them my side of the story. I do not want everyone to think I am what he tells me I am: messed up and insecure and controlling.


Maybe her H is not threatened by your H or has confidants of his own.....

In either case, your H is being very cruel to you by throwing this in your face. If it helps, he is just being defensive and his barbs toward you are not about you at all, but about him.

I hope he is moving out soon. Just go with it! Let the anger go and start happily cleaning and dividing up your stuff. It will make you feel better. 

My guess is that he will not be able to get anything going with her because perhaps she does see him as just a friend while he may see her as more. But it is all a fantasy!

Don't let him talk his way into staying again. He needs to realize you have put your foot down once and for all. And have you read this yet? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I can't wait for him to go and leave me in peace. I look forward to getting on with my own life. I am going to start packing up his stuff today and I will put it on one side of the garage. I want him gone. Seriously I never want to see him again. This is not the man I thought I married. He lied to me for 12 years and blamed me for all of our problems.

I feel SO bad for my son though. I know this is going to bring a lifetime of pain to him. That's the part that really gets me. That's the part that makes me cry....


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I can't wait for him to go and leave me in peace. I look forward to getting on with my own life. I am going to start packing up his stuff today and I will put it on one side of the garage. I want him gone. Seriously I never want to see him again. This is not the man I thought I married. He lied to me for 12 years and blamed me for all of our problems.
> 
> I feel SO bad for my son though. I know this is going to bring a lifetime of pain to him. That's the part that really gets me. That's the part that makes me cry....


Oh My Gosh BBT, my heart goes out to you. I know how much a mother's heart can ache for their babies. We want to protect them from every hurt in life don't we? We never want to see them hurting, ever. You are a good mom to think of your son and how this may impact his life.

But it doesn't have to be a lifetime of pain. Healing is possible for us. I know I never wanted my child to come from a "broken" home. I even swore this to myself. Problem with that is that it takes two, and you did your part. 

I know you are angry now, but it won't always be so. You and your son can have a lifetime of happy memories ahead. No matter what the outcome of your marriage. Go easy today. Please take care of yourself.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Her husband knows, and she tells her husband she is not inetrested in my H as anything but a friend. Obviously her husband has no boundaries also.





ParachuteOn said:


> Maybe her H is not threatened by your H or has confidants of his own.....


Random Thoughts......

Maybe he doesn't have a clue how deep the rabbithole goes because he's been a victim of gaslighting the same way you have been. 

Who's word are you taking for the OWH's knowledge of the relationship? and what his wife is telling him?

Yeah... I'm sure she's being honest. 

Maybe what he knows is being spoon fed to him the same way you have been spoon fed by your gaslighting husband for years and years. Your husband has been a pretty convincing liar for a loooooong time. Bet she's even better.

Your forgetting who is controlling the reality that you have both been allowed to see....

Gaslighting makes me think of the intro to that old TV show the "outer limits"

_"Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are now controlling the transmission. We control the horizontal and the vertical. We can deluge you with a thousand channels or expand one single image to crystal clarity and beyond. We can shape your vision to anything our imagination can conceive. For the next hour we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the deepest inner mind to the outer limits. "_

lol.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think Pit is likely correct. The OW is probably telling her husband that you just can't handle her being friends with your husband. I would be very surprised is her husband knows the extent of their feelings for each other.

I would call her husband directly and tell him that your husband will be single soon, and that he has stated his intentions to pursue a relationship with his wife. I think he would be pretty surprised to hear that.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Some very interesting thoughts coming up here.......How DO you know what her H thinks?..........


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

So sorry for you to be goinf through this! Please do pursue telling her H what the others have stated. You are doing the right thing, the only thing you can...and they will both soon find out that the grass is not always greener!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your input. I gotta be honest, I really don't give a damn about the OW's husband. He can deal with it himself. They can all have their own little menage a trois for all I care. They all deserve each other.

What I do care about is getting myself and my son through this and on to a better life for the both of us. I am tired of being told by the STBHX that I am the cause of our marriage failing, that I am controlling him (by asking him to go NC) that I made him give us his friends, etc. I'm tired of my faults being pointed out to me every day and being compared to others, mainly this OW. I'm tired of him not trying one little bit to heal our marriage. He never gave an inch. Never did a single thing to try and make things better.

I want him gone for good.

I am calling a divorce attorney tomorrow to get the wheels rolling. I want to know EXACTLY what I am due in this divorce and I intend to get everything that is mine. He can pay for the consequences of his choices, and he's going to be paying for the rest of his life.

I hope he is happy with her!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

brokenbythis, GOOD FOR YOU!!


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## LoveMyKids80 (Apr 24, 2012)

By all means, don't blame yourself or let him think it's all your fault. IT'S NOT! It's all on him and his cowardness and selfishness. Just like you, I want this divorce done and over with and I plan on getting everything's that due to me. 

Be strong for your boy. Just know something better is out there for you.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I am calling a divorce attorney tomorrow to get the wheels rolling. I want to know EXACTLY what I am due in this divorce and I intend to get everything that is mine.


You will quickly realize that you don't know how things will ultimately turn out.

A good divorce attorney will look at your income and assets and those of your spouse, determine which are joint marital and which might be separate property and give you a rough idea of how you're going to fare, but there are lots of variables that can have a great effect on the final outcome.

Don't assume anything.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I have no income, have been a stay at home mom for 9 years, have no family in this country and our child is special needs.

I think he can kiss most of his income goodbye. I'm getting half of his pension plan too... to start.

We rent a house currently, have 2 vehicles with car loans and a large school loan he had before we got married (I will not have to pay for that). 

I hope that one day, for his own sake, when he is sitting all alone and lonely in his 1 bedroom apartment, with nobody who gives a damn, he thinks about the damage he did to the family that loved and cared for him.

I doubt it though, I suspect he will be bed hopping for years to come, or a serial divorcee. It's on him.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Thanks everyone for your input. I gotta be honest, I really don't give a damn about the OW's husband. He can deal with it himself. They can all have their own little menage a trois for all I care. They all deserve each other.


It's possible that the OW's husband has the same attitude about you. Perhaps he has known of their affair but decided it wasn't his responsibility to inform you of it. People can do a lot of evil when nobody gives enough of a damn to stop them. But, that's just the kind of guy I am. If I see someone blindly walking toward a cliff, I feel compelled to warn them of the danger. Some people just sit back silently and watch.

However, if you want to hurt your husband, and it sounds like you do, then I suggest warning the OW's husband about what is happening. Most of the time, affairs end when both loyal spouses discover the affair. The OW may choose to work on her marriage and reject your husband. Wouldn't it be fun to see him lose the woman he left you for?

Good luck.


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