# longtime girlfriend wont cook, clean, or work.



## saddend

I realize this is a marriage forum and im not married, but ive been with my girlfriend for 9 years. we have a six year old and might as well be married. she has had short lived jobs here and there , but is currently not working. I pay for everything and work around 60 hours a week. she does not cook or clean and this is the problem. She does not like to do these things and thinks she shouldn't have to. I feel like it's a ridiculous notion that she shouldn't do any of these things and i should do all of them. Am I wrong? So, of course this leads to arguments. I can't help but be aggravated by her unwillingness to at least keep the house clean. I grew up in a filthy house and i do not want the same for my child. She wants to move out so she doesn't have to hear me complain about it, but if she moves out my child will still be living in a filthy house at least part time. I love her and don't want her to go, but I feel like my child seeing her live like this is detrimental to my child's image of how a person should live. Should I ignore this behavior and do everything so my child wont have to go through the trauma of her parents splitting up, or should I let her go and show my child what its like to live in a respectable house with a respectable person at least part time?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> should I let her go and show my child what its like to live in a respectable house with a respectable person at least part time?


THIS!

And if it is squalid and unsanitary, call Child Protective Services to get her removed to YOUR HOME full-time until/unless you gf starts living like she should!

BTW: How is your gf who doesn't work, planning to pay rent, utilities, car, gas, clothes, food, medical, etc? You will be ordered to pay 1/2 of the child's care, but what is gf going to do?


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## Mavash.

saddend said:


> She wants to move out so she doesn't have to hear me complain about it


Then let her go.


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## Corpuswife

Wow! I am sorry that you are going through this...I know you want to keep your family together for your child. However, it's not a very healthy place right now. She needs to contribute something! 

I think the others have already said it. You really can't make her do anything but you can make her leave.


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## saddend

Its not squalid just messy and unkempt(dirty laundry, dusty, sink of dirty dishes, papers piled on table, etc.). Its not that she wont clean at all, its that there she wont keep up on them and then i have to bail her out. I should have been more clear with my original post. I feel like i shouldn't have to clean at all throughout the work week. But, the points you brought up about her not working are the same things I've been saying. I don't want her to move out, not be able to pay the bills, and then want to move back in. At that point, i would let her move back in so my child wouldn't have a homeless mother.


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## RandomDude

So you work 60 hours only to come home to a messy house with a woman who does sh-t all everyday?

Meh, kick her out and she'll be forced to find a job and perhaps even realise how easy she had it.


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## saddend

And Im not walking around making messes as I am a pretty clean person.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

saddend said:


> I realize this is a marriage forum and im not married, but ive been with my girlfriend for 9 years. we have a six year old and might as well be married. she has had short lived jobs here and there , but is currently not working. I pay for everything and work around 60 hours a week. she does not cook or clean and this is the problem. She does not like to do these things and thinks she shouldn't have to. I feel like it's a ridiculous notion that she shouldn't do any of these things and i should do all of them. Am I wrong? So, of course this leads to arguments. I can't help but be aggravated by her unwillingness to at least keep the house clean. I grew up in a filthy house and i do not want the same for my child. She wants to move out so she doesn't have to hear me complain about it, but if she moves out my child will still be living in a filthy house at least part time. I love her and don't want her to go, but I feel like my child seeing her live like this is detrimental to my child's image of how a person should live. Should I ignore this behavior and do everything so my child wont have to go through the trauma of her parents splitting up, or should I let her go and show my child what its like to live in a respectable house with a respectable person at least part time?


See an attorney and take care of custody issues before you even go one step further. Until you do, the playing field is uneven. If you have shared custody which you can certainly set up now, she will simply not be able to take your child and leave, and why should she be able to do that, just because she doesn't have a job? If she leaves and you have the child half time, she will certainly have to get a job, since child support is never enough to live on. 

I'm not saying you will ask her to leave.
I'm just saying that before you start discussing options, you need to close up the obvious gap to level the playing field to reflect that the child has two parents who are equally entitled to custody.

You could do what some people I know have done and invest in a small duplex. Or a house with an inlaw apartment. Keep your side nice and she can keep her little place however she wants it, it would be cheaper than child support and the child can choose where to be and when to be there, more or less. If she wants a relationship and to be in your house, let her meet you on your terms. There are major advantages to not being married, however you seem reluctant to use them. Are you afraid of being a bully? It seems to me she has no problem using child against you to have things all her way. A relationship is about compromise.


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## saddend

RandomDude said:


> So you work 60 hours only to come home to a messy house with a woman who does sh-t all everyday?
> 
> Meh, kick her out and she'll be forced to find a job and perhaps even realise how easy she had it.


but then do i let her come back if she realizes how easy she had it? or should i give up on her? despite all this i love this woman more than anything.


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## saddend

these are all very helpful. thank you.


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## LoveBeingFemale

If you truly love her, then try and work with her. So, the house is cluttered and not filthy. There's a big difference. Obviously, you've had discussions with her about this. What is her mother like?? Can her mother maybe sit down and talk with her about cooking and cleaning. Maybe she could start with one room, and go from there. I would love to have a spotless home, but with children and the enormous amount of paperwork that comes into our home via mail, kid's schoolwork, bills that needs to be paid and filed, laundry, cooking, yardwork, running errands, getting kids to school, exercising, grocery shopping, etc., it's just about impossible.


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## saddend

LoveBeingFemale said:


> If you truly love her, then try and work with her. So, the house is cluttered and not filthy. There's a big difference. Obviously, you've had discussions with her about this. What is her mother like?? Can her mother maybe sit down and talk with her about cooking and cleaning. Maybe she could start with one room, and go from there. I would love to have a spotless home, but with children and the enormous amount of paperwork that comes into our home via mail, kid's schoolwork, bills that needs to be paid and filed, laundry, cooking, yardwork, running errands, getting kids to school, exercising, grocery shopping, etc., it's just about impossible.


this makes me sound like a d*** but i do the yardwork, i run errands, i go to the grocery. She gets my child ready for school; takes her there, shes doesnt file things as much as stuff them all in a drawer, no exercise, no cooking if you didn't read the first part, and does a load of laundry a day but not always she does skip days not to mention most of the time its left in the dryer for me to deal with, she pays the bills with my money, and the rest of the day she eats, watches tv, plays on the computer(not sure what all that entails) and naps. i went a month without a job when i was switching careers. not only did i save enough money to cover the bills while i was unemployed, but i also did literally everything u listed and my house was immaculate. It was a piece of cake and i also dislike doing these things. I guess what i was really wanting was someone to say that its not to much to ask for someone im supporting to keep things tidy. I know i sound self righteous and i dont normally act that way, but it really bugs me when women act like its so hard to do these things. My job is very stressful and i do it 12 hours a day and come home and be a father. she has 7 hours at least of uninterrupted freedom while our kid is at school. thats more than enough time to do all of these things.


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## *LittleDeer*

You need to call her bluff.

She is wanting to move out because you expect her to act like an adult and do things every day.

She sounds very selfish.

What is the rest of your relationship like? Sex life?

I would make serious plans to move on without her. If she says she wants to stay, insist on marital counselling, and a very real effort from her. She doesn't need to do all house work and parenting, but at least make a huge contribution and take some of the pressure off of you.


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## CanadianGuy

RandomDude said:


> So you work 60 hours only to come home to a messy house with a woman who does sh-t all everyday?
> 
> Meh, kick her out and she'll be forced to find a job and perhaps even realise how easy she had it.


I think what random dude is trying to say here is kick her out and she'll be forced to find a job and perhaps even realize how easy she had it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Is your girlfriend addicted to a computer game?
Besides the housework it sounds to me like she is missing out on a lot that life has to offer a person. Watching tv and eating all day and not having any other person to talk to or any activity out of the house or even a hobby to do is mentally (and physically) unhealthy. But if someone is addicted to computer games or tv shows it can happen. Perhaps instead of taking the tactic of changing her behavior to get what you want, you could take the perspective of your love for her, and express your concern that she needs to do something healthier with her time. Is it maybe that before your child started school, she had something to do, now she does not know what to do with herself? How long has this been going on?
What does she do summers and vacations when the child is home?
Can you take any time off of work to make activity dates with her during the day one day at week even would be something? Forget about the house, I think maybe you should be more worried about the girlfriend and how dusty she is.


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## Shoto1984

Your post has me wondering what things used to be like. Has this been a progression with things getting worse over time? If that's the case its going to continue to slide downhill until you put the brakes on. She does not sound like a rational actor here and seems willing to use you as much as you allow her to. Sometimes love is not enough.


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## Toffer

Can't really add anything to what's already been said by others

She picks up the slack or she's out


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Since your child is in school ALL DAY, then there is NO REASON your gf cannot do ALL the housework. Seven hours a day is PLENTY of time to straighten, do dishes, make beds, dust/vacuum, sweep, clean bathrooms & kitchen. It's not like she has to do ALL of those things EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

It is unclear from your postings WHAT your gf's problem is, but she DOES have one.


She's depressed and can't summon the energy for anything. (Have her checked by a doctor)
She's lazy and taking the path of least resistance via tv & computer. (Tell her to start pulling her 1/2 of the load or to get out.)
She's overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. (Help her for ONE weekend and help HER make a daily/weekly chart. Don't do it FOR HER, show HER how to make it.)
She's disorganized and doesn't understand HOW to manage her time during a single day or over the space of a week. (See point above.)


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## RandomDude

> She's overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. (Help her for ONE weekend and help HER make a daily/weekly chart. Don't do it FOR HER, show HER how to make it.)


That's the case with my wife and I in regards to her finding a job. Sure she keeps the house clean but that's easy as we're both neat (lucky!)

But as for getting off her ass, encouraging her and helping her formulate her own plans for her own individual future rather then nagging her seems to be proving more progressive then in the past.


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## CH

Man, she trained you good from the beginning.

Wife wanted me to do the grocery shopping, fine. Gimme the list and I just bought the 1st thing I saw. What about coupons/sales, etc.. OH, sorry. Rinse/repeat, I don't do the shopping anymore.

I was to do the laundry, throw it all in and push start. Compromise, she washes/folds and I put the clothes away (I do fold 1/2 the time though to help out)

Cooking, burned the food, undercooked the food etc. Now she does the cooking. Although I do make some dishes on special occasions for her.

Guess I trained my wife pretty good during our early years and she's trained me in other things over the years also lol.

Diaper changes (ugh), throw up cleaner, and all the other crappy jobs around the house. My favorite is toilet bowl cleaner man, lol.

Compromise. No compromise, others have said it, get out. You're not raising 2 kids here.


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## 3Xnocharm

No, it is NOT too much to ask. There is no excuse for her to be home all day long without even a single child there and not keep things clean. Nobody enjoys housework, but it has to be done, and whoever is the one home all day, then thats who should be doing the bulk of it. If she hates it so much, tell her to get a job.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Whoa! This wouldn't work very well in any marriage or relationship. 

I may be disabled and limited in physical ability due to a massive neck injury, but I still clean the house, laundry, exercise, care for the children, care for the animals, cook homemade foods, iron hubby's clothes and tend to my hobbies daily! My husband works very hard and does 100% of the shopping since I need a wheelchair to walk long distances, but I am not lazy. I keep hubby happy too. My husbands hard work never goes under appreciated either. I do my best to pull my weight around here.


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## EleGirl

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Since your child is in school ALL DAY, then there is NO REASON your gf cannot do ALL the housework. Seven hours a day is PLENTY of time to straighten, do dishes, make beds, dust/vacuum, sweep, clean bathrooms & kitchen. It's not like she has to do ALL of those things EVERY SINGLE DAY.
> 
> It is unclear from your postings WHAT your gf's problem is, but she DOES have one.
> 
> 
> She's depressed and can't summon the energy for anything. (Have her checked by a doctor)
> She's lazy and taking the path of least resistance via tv & computer. (Tell her to start pulling her 1/2 of the load or to get out.)
> *[*]She's overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. (Help her for ONE weekend and help HER make a daily/weekly chart. Don't do it FOR HER, show HER how to make it.)
> [*]She's disorganized and doesn't understand HOW to manage her time during a single day or over the space of a week. (See point above.)*


If the issue is one of the two that are underlined/bolded above, you and she might benefit from checking out the website FlyLady.net

The website is dedicated to teach how to clean & organize a house efficiently and keep it that way, setup a schedule, etc.


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## EleGirl

You need to do a better job of how to talk to her. She says that she wants to leave so she does not have to list to you complain? When she says that remind her that she will have to get a job and clean her own house if she leaves.

Give her three options.

1) she stays and gets a job. Her money can go to hire someone to clean the house and pay for child care. Whatever is left over goes into the joint family account to pay bills, etc. YOu both get the same amount of spending money after all bills are paid.

2) She stays and keeps a spotless house, has dinner ready when you come home for work, does the grocery shopping etc. Since she has 7 hours a day to clean house and do chores you should have to do little to nothing in the house.

3) She leaves. With this option she will have to support herself. She cannot remove your child from your home until custody paperwork is drawn up and signed giving you at least 50% custody.

I agree with the person who talked about you making sure that your paternity rights are in order now. I don’t know if your name is on the birth certificate. Generally when an unmarried woman has a child, she is considered to have sole legal and physical custody of the child. The father has to prove his paternity and fight for the right to legal and physical custody. So make sure you take care of this.


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## curlysue321

I would threaten to leave and tell her you want to go to counseling. I don't work, but I keep the house clean, bake goodies for hubby, make home cooked meals, and mow the lawn. I feel it is only fair since he works. I am remarried and am 44 years old. I did not keep a clean house when i was younger. Lots of maturing and now i do. Maybe kick her out for a while and then take her back if you love her. It took a failed marriage for me to realize some things.


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## Toshiba2020

I would give her 3 choices

1) Go get a job, bare minimum of 30 hrs a week
2) Be a house wife, cook, clean, etc...
3) Leave

Those are all fair options, its not your responsibility, to bring home the paycheck, maintain the home and raise the kid.

If thats what she wants then she can just leave, at least that way you will have one less person to pick up after and cook dinner for.


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## Tigger

Has she always been this way? What has changed to where you are not wanting to tolerate it anymore.

With the kid in school, she really should be working.

Does she have any skills?


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## Lurking No More

sounds like organization issues both with material items and time.

help her on weekend get organized then tell her you expect it to be kept that way. 

clutter is very depressing and stressful she may not know where or how to begin.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

My step brother had a similar situation in his marriage, he had a little moan every now and then but did not DO anything about it. Needless to say the situation just got worse. It ended up in the Divorce / Family court but at least he got custody with his EX having them every other weekend and half the holidays.

Unless you do something NOW your situation will not improve. Stand up for yourself and your child. Make your partner understand that you have both got to pull your weight.

Best off luck.


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## Enchanted

saddend said:


> this makes me sound like a d*** but i do the yardwork, i run errands, i go to the grocery. She gets my child ready for school; takes her there, shes doesnt file things as much as stuff them all in a drawer, no exercise, no cooking if you didn't read the first part, and does a load of laundry a day but not always she does skip days not to mention most of the time its left in the dryer for me to deal with, she pays the bills with my money, and the rest of the day she eats, watches tv, plays on the computer(not sure what all that entails) and naps. i went a month without a job when i was switching careers. not only did i save enough money to cover the bills while i was unemployed, but i also did literally everything u listed and my house was immaculate. It was a piece of cake and i also dislike doing these things. I guess what i was really wanting was someone to say that its not to much to ask for someone im supporting to keep things tidy. I know i sound self righteous and i dont normally act that way, but it really bugs me when women act like its so hard to do these things. My job is very stressful and i do it 12 hours a day and come home and be a father. she has 7 hours at least of uninterrupted freedom while our kid is at school. thats more than enough time to do all of these things.


How old is the child?


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