# Rude inlaws and no support from husband



## mas

Hello everyone. Fist, I would like to say that this is going to be a long post (probably the longest on this site). So I really appreciate your patience.

I met my husband before 6 years and its been 5 months since we got married. Ever since we both decided to get married, me and my family were ready for the wedding. But it took a very long time and lot of convincing for him and his family. They are very narrow minded and superstitious people. My H has a brother who was not married (and is still not), and they wanted to get him married first before they could even think about me and my H. They kept saying this for about 3 years. One thing I need to mention here is, my H told his mom about us, that we wanted to get married etc, and her only response was "hmm...not sure how this is going to work out. your dad will not like this". and that's it. for another 6 months, she never even mentioned this to her husband, eldest son or daughter. My H was also preventing me from telling my parents becuase they would want to know if my H's parents agreed to all this and my H was not prepared for that. So I kept putting it off and finally after 6 months, I could not take it anymore and told my parents. I then called my H to tell him and he started yelling on the phone saying "who did you ask before talking to your parents about this? get lost, I cannot support you and I will not talk about this with my parents. Lets just break up". I apologized and finally convinced him to talk to his family about this. So he told his family....guess what, no big response from them. I asked him if they said ok, but they din't. I asked if they said no, and they dint say that too. I just could not figure out what kind of a family this is. 

Days and months went by and my parents were really upset that we never heard anything from their side. Let me tell you....this period, which continued for 3 years, was the WORST part of my life. I was totally depressed and could do nothing. I lost interest in everything and it showed on my face. I started putting on weight and looking older than I ever did. We had constant arguments and huge fights. I went through several phases and tried so many things, but nothign changed. Meanwhile, my parents were really worried about me and my well being. They are very sensitive people and could not bear to see me so depressed. It started affecting their health too. So I took a stand and told my H that I was prepared to leave him, since this marriage decision was going nowhere. He responded with several emotions: anger, anxiety, depression, threat, yelling, screaming, verbal abuse etc. I finally had to get help from a mutual friend and all our communications were with him becuase this guy was getting scary for me. Finally, my H got very depressed and I saw that he was pleading with his parents to accept for the wedding. They still would not accept. So I called my H's father one day and said "your son is in a very depressed state and god knows what will happen to his life if he is like this. I personally cannot bear to see him like this coz I still care for him. If you are not going to accept this wedding, I will go my way and leave him. But he is your son and you need to be aware that his life is getting spoilt here because of your stubborn nature". When my husband found out that I talked to his father, he got wild. There were several fights and arguments after that too, but my H finally apologised and genuinely asked me to marry him. I fell for it. I changed my mind and accepted. The wedding was less fun than a barbque party. His parents did not want a huge crowd and also refused to come to the reception. Throughout the wedding, his parents, brother and sister never even smiled. It was like they were at a funeral. I really wanted to go on a short honeymoon the day after our wedding. And, I said short becuase me and my H did not have enough vacation. So my H asked his MOM what she thought about the idea!! Yes, you read that right, he asked his mom......And she said "you only have 7 more days of vacation, and I want you to spend time with us here. You can go out on a honeymoon some other time". So my H called me to say he can't go. I WAS MAD!!! I could not imagine that a grown man would ask his mom if she is ok with him going on a honeymoon, and that his mom would say NO!!!! I will never be able to forgive him and his mom for doing that. Finally, we did go on a honeymoon 4 months after the wedding, but it just felt like a vacation, not a honeymoon.

After the wedding, the pattern of fighting and screaming continued between me and my H. Now, I know how much my parents are affected by all this. They are very much concerned about me. It was beginning to affect their health very badly. So I made it a point to never take any issues or problems to them and always talked to them with a smile to show that I am happy. My husband knows very well about this. So anytime we fought, he threatened to call my parents, even if it was in the middle of the night. As soon as I hear that, I go nuts. I don't know what to do and start pulling his hands and hiding his phone and doing all sorts of things to prevent him from calling. I saw that I was getting to be more and more angry day after day. My H's total lack of commitment, responsibility, immature behavior and lack of respect for me makes me go crazy.

I started thinking too much about all this, playing games to avoid his threatening behavior (to call my parents) and I am now feeling like I need to manipulate every step of my life. Anytime we disagree on something, I start thinking what I can do to make him understand, and communicate, while not trigerring anything bad that will make him call my parents. I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating this is.

So, anyway, life continued and we have been married for 5 months. Now, what happend for me to get on this site and write about all this is a visit from my BIL last weekend:

My BIL has been sort of dating a woman for the last few weeks. This woman happends to live close to our place (unfortunately). So he came over to our palce last weekend to meet her. To give you some background about my BIL, he can talk about nothing but food, recipes, cooking, ingredients, oil, garlic, tomatoes etc etc....you get the picture. I've recenly talked to him over the phone about 4 or 5 times and every single time, he has talked about food and nothing but food. I initially thought he is just passionate about cooking. But when he came over to our palce, I realized that this was like a disease. He flew in to our place and my husband picked him up from the airport and they came home at 11 in the night. I had waited very late in the night to start cooking so that dinner would be hot and fresh when they get in. The guy came in and immediately started asking me what I made and how I made it. He started eating and complained (according to him, this was just a joke) that what I made did not taste good - he din't know if it was chinese or italian or mexiacan.....I was suprised to hear this coz my panrets always taught me to be very nice and courteous when we visited someone and also when someone visits us. Until today, I have never in my life heard any of our guests complain like this. And, we have relatives over at our place all the time.

Anyway, the next day was a weekday and I was really busy in meetings and deliverables throughout the day. I got up in the morning and offered my BIL coffee and he asked "what coffee do you have? what kind of milk do you buy? oh, you drink instant coffee? that is not real coffee. do you have tea? what kind of tea do you have? what brand is it? oh, this brand? I dont like it. you should have gotten this other brand...
" and he went on and on about breakfast, bread, cheese, etc etc. I was getting so impatient since I had so much work to do and this guy kept going on and on about every single food item. I went in the bedroom and started working. he entered the bedroom 2 or 3 times, again, to talk about food. My husband I guess realized this and sort of tried to manage his brother and get him to go to the living room. I felt bad for my husband coz he was in a difficult position. When I had a few minutes to spare, I went to the living room to quickly chat with my BIL - I felt he is our guest and we need to entertain him. Every single time I did that, he would say something sarcastic: he indicated that I troubled him and his family for the wedding, he asked me what my pay was and said I don't deserve it, he said my husband also did not deserve his pay and compared us to a friend of his who is a very smart guy. So, all this happened and finally in the evening, he literally forced us to go shopping (he liked a brand of chips we had at home and wanted to buy the same for himself). He dragged us through 3 grocery stores, aisle by aisle, explaining and demonstrating (like a personal tour you would get in a museum) every single item. Finally, we were on our way back home around 10pm. We stopped to get gas and my husband got out of the car to pump gas when my BIL asked me why I paid for the grocery in the store and made a sarcastic remark that me and my husband were living like roommates. He then asked if we had a joint account. Then he started talking about hus friend who has been dating someone for a while now and the woman is now asking about marriage. He said " she is threatening him to marry her, just like what you did". I was totally pissed off, but quickly took control of my anger and said smiling "well, its not wrong to ask about marriage". 

We then came home and on our way to the door (carrying all the grocery bags), I saw one of our neighbors. Me and my husband moved in to this place only before a few months and dont have any friends. I was so happy to meet our neighbors and stopped to talk to them. About 2 minutes into the conversation, my BIL abruptly said "ok, lets go". So my neighbors said bye and we started walking towards our door. My BIL then asked "don't you realize that my brother is carrying 2 cans of milk? why did you have to keep talking to those people?". How much patience can a person have? I still responded with a smile and said that I was just excited to meet them, since we did not know anyone in this new place.

We came in and my BIL started complaining about how our neighbors did not talk to him and that they only talked to me and my husband. Now, since the beginning of the day, my H has been telling my BIL that he should dress well to meet his date the next day. I also supported my H and said that is is good to be presentable and only shows respect to the person you are meeting. I guess my BIL took it the wrong way and snapped at me saying I was paying too much attention to external appearances. I could'nt take it and said "you are jumping to conclusions and what you think about me is not true". All this time, my husband was just quiet, not supporting or speaking up for me. I can understand that, coz he might be embarrassed to suppot me or his brother. Anyway, I was upset and I thought I'll go to the bedroom to get some privacy and also check my emails. My husband followed me inside and so did my BIL. Both sat on the bed with me and started chatting again about how to dress the next day for my BILs date. I thought me and my H were forcing him to dress well and just said "please dont think we are forcing you, ultimately it is up to you to dress the way you like. and I understand that you do not care for external apprearances". Then I continued to say "but sometimes, it is a good idea to atleast listen to what others are saying, whether you take it or not. And, my H told me once about empathetic listening...so may be he could share that with you too, coz i found it helpful". Meanwhile, my husband got a call from his parents and went in to the living room to take it. My BIL I guess got upset with my comment and said "so, you judged me in one day? are you saying that I can't listen? that I am not an empathetic listener?". So I said "sorry, I dint mean to say that you dont listen well, but I thought my H's comments abt empathetic listenting helped me, and thought you might like to hear it". So he replied "tell me, are you an empathetic listener? you could not even understand that my brother was carrying 2 cans of milk and kept talking to you neighbors"....I was so irritated at this point and said "like I said before, I was just excited to meet them and had no idea what my H was carrying since he was standing behind me"...as I was saying this, my husband entered and gave my BIL the phone to talk to their parents. I got up and started walking towards the bathroom and was really really upset...it showed obviously on my face. However, my BIL could not see it coz he was facing the opposite direction. My H saw this and wanted to know immediately what had happened. I went into the bathroom to change and did not want to talk to my H thinking he might make this a big issue.

I came out of the bathroom and noticed that my H and BIL were still talking to their parents. I was still very very upset and did not want to sit and do nothing because that will give my H a chance to come and confront me again. So I picked up the phone to call my parents, thinking my H would not try to confront me if I was on the phone. Wrong!! He stood in front of me asking me questions while I was on the phone. I asked my parents to wait and told my H to leave this as is and not make a big issue out of it. He would not listen and raised his voice. I told him once more to let it go. But he continued saying that there is nothing wrong in what his brother did/asked. I got really mad and told him that his brother was rude and again asked him to leave this issue and go out of the room and give me some privacy. He was so adamant. I had to tell him again to give me some privacy, and i was on the phone with my parents - and closed the bedroom door.

My BIL heard and saw all this and I knew something was going to happen. So I told my parents I would call them later and hung up. I went outside and my BIL was explaining to my H how he had done nothing, and that I am too sensitive. I replied to him saying he was rude and I did not like his comments. My H started yelling at me at the top of his voice and the situation got worse. My H, as usual, picked up his phone and threatened to call my parents. I grabbed his hand and phone and my nails hurt him. He got soooo mad by that and started acting like a maniac, jumping up and down (literally) and threatening to call the cops and pulling my hair and beating me. His brother was just standing there, doing nothing and making the least effort of prevent the argument. But really, this guy is so gifted. He is the only person who can be so calm and composed in the midst of such an argument. The whole issue blew up and I finally went in to lie down when both my H and BIL followed me inside. My BIL started talking to me like he was soo nice and really wanted to help me. I really believed that and told him how unhappy I am and how unhappy I have been ever since i met my H. I told him about my H's irresponsibility and lack of respect. At the end of all this, my BIL said "ok, come lets have dinner". I was like....did you even hear what I said? how can you think about food at this stage? (I dint say this to him). I just said, l am not hungry and don't need to have dinner. My H got mad and yelled at me saying I was insulting a guest. I continued to say that i think i need a divorce. and....that's it...my BIL and H started yelling and jumping up and down saying I had insulted them and it was like a slap on their face...blah blah blah. I mean, is this a surprise? I've been telling these people how unhappy I am...what did they expect? My BIL started telling how unlucky my H is to have a wife like me and that he should put me in my place. I then shut the bedroom door since I could not take it anymore and I could hear my BIL talking to my H outside saying that he should leave me and he continued to complain about me.

I went outside and told my BIL to stop trying to break our marriage. then there was another round of yelling and finally I went to bed. While all this was going on, my BIL managed to cook a nice mexican dinner and started eating...WITH A SPATULA....as we were arguing and yelling back and forth. words cannot explain what I'm thinking....but I can't believe anyone would ever be like this guy. Finally, words went out of control and my husband said "this is my place, so you need to get out". I said "well, my name is on this place too, so I cant get out".

My H then swore to treat all my family members with disrespect and said he would insult them any chance he got. 

Finally, his brother achieved what he wanted....I guess the guy was really jealous that his brother was married before him. What kind of a brother would purposefully be rude with his brothers wife and finally advise his own brother to get a divorce, telling him how unlucky he is? Anyway, my H is not a saint here. He did not even say a single word to support his own wife and just let his brother walk all over me.

I am at a stage where I want to leave this guy and am atleast a little hopeful that I will find a better, more respectable person for myself. My H and his family have had issues with my wedding since the beginning and they are going to keep brining up issues like this throughout. I have no way of avoiding this as my H will always support his family, any day, whether they are right or wrong. If I let this go now, when we have kids, i am going to find it very hard to let go and be independent. I really appreciate your comments in this matter. Thanks.


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## MarkTwain

Phew!

I just read all that through. I can't understand why you married him when all the warning signs were there.



mas said:


> and am atleast a little hopeful that I will find a better, more respectable person for myself.


It would be hard to imaging how you could pick a worse one.

However, you could turn this round - you certainly sound tough enough.


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## marina72

Oh my Gosh.... that's all I can say. I am totally in disbelief, that your own husband would treat you so badly. That he'd let his family interfere to this unheard of level, and tell him, what to do, what to think, what to say to you, whether or not he can go on a honeymoon. 

Your brother-in-law was indeed VERY RUDE,, not just rude, absolutely verbally abusive! Here is a quote from your post....


"My H, as usual, picked up his phone and threatened to call my parents. I grabbed his hand and phone and my nails hurt him. He got soooo mad by that and started acting like a maniac, jumping up and down (literally) and threatening to call the cops and pulling my hair and beating me." 
Your own husband is pulling your hair, and beating you? Instead of telling his brother where he can stuff it? His brother treated you Horribly, and instead of standing up for you, he gangs up on You, his wife, and verbally abuses you along with his brother, and then hits you, and then he threatens to call your parents, upset them, and then pulls your hair and beats you?

Oh my God,,, I'd get Out NOW If I were you.... Your husband is nuts, and so is his whole family. I'm sorry, but if you read your own post, you'd see just how sedistic your husband is.

What kind of man does this to his own wife? He's a sociopath honey.... plain and simple. This goes wayyyy past controlling. 

YOu're not even allowed to say anything, anything at all, or you get threatened, or beaten? And what kind of sicko would threaten to call his wife's parents, every time they have a disagreement? Not only is that childish, but it's also cruel, if he knows how much it upsets them, and you. 

He's not a man honey, he's a child in a man's body, and a dillusional, dysfunctional one at that..... 

I would Never have kids with someone like this, it's only 5 months in, and already he's hitting you, screaming at you, letting his psycho brother verbally insult you and make you so uncomfortable you have to retreat to your room. This is one sick situation. What your husband and his brother did to you, while he visited, is Sick... totally sick. What kind of man gangs up on his own wife, with his brother, and follows her around the house, screaming and yelling at her, and takes his brothers side, intead of telling him to get out for being so unbelievably disrepectful to his wife.

You said for years that your husband, and his crazy family, have made your life a living hell. 
My advice is to get out Now.... and if everything you say is true, No one should be making light of this post, Ever...


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## mas

MK, thanks for your response. In the 5 years I had waited to get married to him, I did tell my H once that I was prepared to let go (although emotionally I was not). I could see no other choice since his parents did not agree for a long time. For about 4 months, I was preparing myself to forget him and move on. But I was totally miserable at that time. At one point I was afraid I was going to lose my job if this continued. Marrying him was one sure way for me to not have to go through my fear of losing him and being depressed. It might sound like a silly reason. But I really love him and even now it is hard for me to imagine being with someone else.


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## mas

Marina, I appreciate you taking the time to read through and respond. To be honest, reading my post and the responses was like a wake up call. I have this perception about myself that I am very hard to live with. But I would never behave the way my BIL did/ask the questions he asked me. And I have never threatened to call my Hs parents at any point. 

I love my family too, but thankfully, they would never behave this way to put me in an embarrasing position.

I'm still hoping I can get through to my H....have been trying to talk to him for the last few days, but no luck. Although I am not totally avoiding the thought of a divorce, it is scary to think about it. I just never thought I would be in this position.


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## 827Aug

Wow! I'm in disbelief--both that I read the entire post and that you are tolerating such behavior! I am curious about your ages now. Moving right along......My answer is going to be short. Get out of this marriage before you waste more of your time. I put up with way too much in my 22 year marriage. There are just some things you can't fix and this is one of those things. You will find someone A LOT better!!!


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## marina72

Mas, He's not treating you right. He's doing things no man should ever do to their wife. I would not stay in a marriage like yours, if those crazy kinds of thing were going on.

The only thing you could do,is tell him he needs counseling, and that you want both of you to have some therapy together as well. maybe that will help? 

But this man's complete lack of regard for your feelings, or your honor, and also your safety ,are concerning.

The episode you described with your brother-in-law... and your husband, ganging up on you. Was muy loco. I read all the way through, and I honestly don't see that you did Anything wrong, all you did was try to be a gracious host, cooking at 11 pm at night, so that they would have fresh food. Honey, if that were my husband, and he was arriving that late with a family memeber... they'd be on their own while I slept! It's called take out honey! 

hehe.... my point is, that you bent over backwards to make your brother-in-law comfortable, endured his constant bickering and nagging about what kind of this, and what kind of that, and I don't like that, and I don't like this... He treated you badly, and your husband Allowed him to do it.

I would never stay with someone that is that heavily influenced by his family, to the point of abusing his own wife. 

He's abusive to you. Get out while you don't have children. That's my advice. I feel for you.


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## MarkTwain

mas-
Part of your problem is that you are trying to control the wrong things. For instance, you worry about him calling your parents on the phone - especially at night.

Who cares? Think it through... if he keeps pestering them, they will just see him for the person he is. If they lose sleep they will take to turning off their phone at night. They could change their number, and give you the new one, and not give it to him.

Do you see where I'm going with this? You do not need to stage manage his use of the phone. Let him make a fool of himself. Your parents are adults, and they can look after themselves.

In the same vein, if you can look at your attempts to control things, and cut out any controlling behaviour that is beyond what is rightfully "your business" you will save energy. And again as in the case of your husband and his phoning - he will be digging his own grave, while you just relax and read a book


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