# Please move out!



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I recently have decided I agree with my STBXH and want a divorce. I am tired of his emotional abuse, yelling, name calling, EA's, distancing techniques, emotional bankruptcy, smashing doors and drywall, secrecy and general disrespectful behaviour.

So I asked him to move out and get his own place, ASAP. He whined he can't afford it, I said I don't care, it's not my problem any more. That was over a week ago. So far I am not aware he has rented a place yet, and as much as I can't stand him being around any longer I don't want to be called names for asking him if has he found a place yet.

Of course tonight he is out on one of his binge drinking episodes with his buddies, while our child is here throwing up every 5 mins. What a selfish ass. He told me the other day he can't wait to "find someone else" and "get some [email protected]". Charming... 

He was furious when I told him to move and take ALL of his mountains of stuff with him (clogging up our garage currently). "What can't I store it here?". He was also dumbfounded when I told him to take his dog. "But its hard to find an apartment that takes dogs". Welcome to divorce!! 

How did I ever end up marrying this nutcase? His shrink and therapist diagnosed BPD, and when I heard it and looked it up, it fits him to a T. Everything is my fault. He idolises everybody but I'm a total [email protected] that has ruined his life, depending on what mood he is in. Sometimes I'm the love of his life and a wonderful person. When he goes into his rages, I'm the worst person on the face of the planet. I love you, I hate you, this if what I live with.

I'm tired of hearing his victim mentality.

He has gone around telling everyone at work and our mutual friends that "he tried his best". Complete and utter lies. He has not tried a bit. If continual lying and EA's are trying... well... he needs a reality check fast. He has never even admitted or owned his part in the breakdown of our marriage.

I can guarantee, without a shadow of a doubt, that quite soon he will end up flaunting new girlfriends in my face, because as he tells me all the time "the problem is you, not me, I'll have no problem finding someone else, you will".

He also said I can't make it without him. And of course he is whining about paying child support and spousal support. I've been a SAHM for 9 yrs, special needs child.

Not that I give a damn about who he sees, but it will make me sick to see he thinks he's so perfect and unaffected and rubbing it in my face. But I know the truth about him. I didn't for a long time even though there were multiple red flags, but I know what he really is, but he will succeed in fooling other women for a period of time. He's good at putting on a persona of a normal, sweet, guy to others.

PLEASE move out soon, preferably this weekend!!! I want my life back! I want peace!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ok. We can be there soon, and move him out for you, and if he asks, we can all be your new boyfriends 

I just wow...I think for me reading this, the hardest part is knowing that it is affecting you even though there is no absolutely no reason it needs to. He is totaly off the rails.

Hang in there, and just let us know when you want us to show up ok?


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I hope he moves out too for your sake..

I am almost divorced from my STBXH (a matter of days) and he is refusing to move out at all.. 

We are living in the same house until it is sold because he cant afford his own place (!) and he doesnt want to move in with his mistress (more likely her parents dont want him in their house)

Its torture, he acts like we are staying together until he receives a letter from the court or the solicitor - then he is vile.

Mine too has people he idolises while he demonies me. I can do no right in his eyes, I have never had his back, supported him anything. Although in truth I have supported him, phsically, emotionally & financially over the last 24 years. 

I know where you are right now.. It isn't going to be easy. If he doesn't go carry on with your life as if he wasn't there. You do not answer to him any more. If he starts talking sh1t, go into another room. You don't have to listen to it. I found my iPod invaluable when he wants to blame.. 

Good luck to you, sounds like you have made a huge & positive step


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

oh man I feel for you guys - these men have no self-respect whatsoever!

my ex was exactly the same, sleeping on the sofa because he couldn't afford to move out. Wouldn't go to his mum and dad's or a friend's because he didn't want to 'impose' ha ha good god

I only got him out because I gave him £25k, it took another two months for him to move all his stuff. But the day I got my key back off him was a great day - it WILL happen, but it's torture I know all too well.....


----------



## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

It was hard to budge mine too

He should be on someone's sofa til we have a proper plan but his mum/dads/sisters/friends were not good enough for him so he has rented an expensive flat instead. 

The sense of entitlement these people have is incredible


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

ha ha - mine got a three bedroom flat!! wtf???


----------



## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> I recently have decided I agree with my STBXH and want a divorce. I am tired of his emotional abuse, yelling, name calling, EA's, distancing techniques, emotional bankruptcy, smashing doors and drywall, secrecy and general disrespectful behaviour.


Unfortunately he probably won't leave until ordered to leave by the judge.

Just be aware that the abuse can escalate at anytime, be ready to call 911 as soon as it get physical/sexual, press charges and get yourself a Domestic Violence Order of Protection/Restraining Order which will get him out of the house and might even set temporary support orders. 

I also recommend reading *Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." by Lundy Bancroft. You seem to have a good handle on his abusive behaviors...but there were at least 50 classic abusive things my abusive husband did that I just chalked up to immaturity/being self centered. And my abuser moved directly into the OW's house from the marital home and still has people feeling bad for what 'I' did to him....I guess we all get sucked into the abuser's airspace despite them.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Remember, take stock of who you are - and the role rescuers play in their own demise.

Why DID you think this was acceptable? Was there some high you were to get from fixing it? Some self worth available from changing the troubled soul?

How many fairy tales were you asked to swallow about previous relationships and how they ended?


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> His shrink and therapist diagnosed BPD


You're in for the ride of your life. This divorce will not be pretty. I'm not talking about the financial part. The emotional detachment will be absolutely crushing.

You're most likely a heavily damaged codependent partner with your own personality issues. Don't take the healing process lightly and arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can.

Register at BPDFamily.com and read the stories. You're not alone, but will be feeling very lonely for quite a while. Don't let it kick you off the recovery track. BPD break ups and divorces are soul crushing.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Remember, take stock of who you are - and the role rescuers play in their own demise.
> 
> Why DID you think this was acceptable? Was there some high you were to get from fixing it? Some self worth available from changing the troubled soul?
> 
> How many fairy tales were you asked to swallow about previous relationships and how they ended?


I never thought this was acceptable. I gave him time and patience to change and get professional help. We've been in MC for 12 mnths. He now gets his own IC and Ive been in IC for over a year.

I guess I stayed because I hoped it would get better, We have a small child with special needs, and the one thing I never wanted in my life is for my baby to grow up in a single parent family. I also stayed because I had become financially dependent on him. HUGE mistake. Just this week I told my IC that I will never give up work again. I will never put myself in the position where I just can't walk out, rent a house and support myself.

As for the fairy tales about his previous relationships... I knew they were fairy tales, at least from the very limited information he ever gave me about them. He has had many relationships, the longest lasting 3 mths. Before he met me.

Believe me... I have broken out of the trying to fix things stage. His problems are his problems and I now make it quite clear it has nothing to do with me. Last week he was looking for an important paper he had to take to work. He was all upset and asked me to help him. I said, sorry I have to go out. You can handle it yourself. He got quite angry at me. I just left and went to Starbucks for some peace.

I am not responsible for him, but myself and my child. I can't wait for him to go so I can get on with MY life. :smthumbup:


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

synthetic said:


> You're in for the ride of your life. This divorce will not be pretty. I'm not talking about the financial part. The emotional detachment will be absolutely crushing.
> 
> You're most likely a heavily damaged codependent partner with your own personality issues. Don't take the healing process lightly and arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can.
> 
> Register at BPDFamily.com and read the stories. You're not alone, but will be feeling very lonely for quite a while. Don't let it kick you off the recovery track. BPD break ups and divorces are soul crushing.


Thanks synthetic... Ive familiarized myself with bpdfamily.com and have been taking in as much info as I can. I plan to continue with IC every week so help me move through this mess. I expect it will end 2 ways:

1. Nasty contested divorce
2. Him getting mad at how much support he has to pay out and asking to reconcile.

No 2 is not going to happen in the foreseeable future, if ever.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

be strong broken you sound like you've got your head in the right place :smthumbup:


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> be strong broken you sound like you've got your head in the right place :smthumbup:


Thanks for your support dolly! I can't even begin to explain the relief I feel now, knowing he is on the way out the door. The plan is to 180 him and just get on with rebuilding MY life. 

I will not be agreeing to letting him into my house, coming for dinner, going out to eat with him, joint family activities, or phone calls with subject matter other than anything else but child custody arrangements. I will not be rude to him at any time, but at the same time I am laying very firm boundaries and if he steps over any of them, I will remind him of the consequences.

Ironically enough, last night I heard his brother and his wife are divorcing (Marriage # 2 for him).. his brother has shown the same behaviours as my STBXH the 7 yrs he has been married to my SIL. Although my BIL has committed sins like meeting women in hotel rooms he found on craigslist, getting other women pregnant, and some pretty bad behaviours overall. Sad... apple doesn't fall far from the family tree, does it?

By the way, my insane mother in law is totally BPD. She's as mad a cut snake and one nasty piece of work - once you get on her bad side!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Thanks for your support dolly! I can't even begin to explain the relief I feel now, knowing he is on the way out the door. The plan is to 180 him and just get on with rebuilding MY life.
> 
> I will not be agreeing to letting him into my house, coming for dinner, going out to eat with him, joint family activities, or phone calls with subject matter other than anything else but child custody arrangements. I will not be rude to him at any time, but at the same time I am laying very firm boundaries and if he steps over any of them, I will remind him of the consequences.
> 
> ...


How do you think her sons got that way?

What were your relationships like before him?

Was your marriage the result of wanting to have a baby?


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

_*How do you think her sons got that way?*_
Yeah I agree... I know that now! After IC and reading tons of books I know I should have heeded the red flags. I remember when we were engaged and I expressed concern to my friends over his nutcase family (BPD, schizos, mental hospital admissions, depression, addictions, multiple divorces) my friends assured me "you are marrying him, not his family". I shrugged it off because he seemed so NORMAL. My IC has since confirmed no you really need to look at his family because chances are, he will inherit many if not all of these traits. uugghh... If I'd only listened to myself!

_*What were your relationships like before him?*_
I lived with a guy in my home country for many years, I had a great career and so did he and we both didn't yearn to get married but I think if we had stayed together we would have eventually. Living together in my country is very acceptable over marriage because after 2 yrs you gain the same legal rights as married couples anyway. This man and I had a intimate, sharing relationship. We had out spats of course but were always able to talk it out calmly and I know he never cheated and was loyal. We spilt because he took a job overseas and I did not want to go, or give up my career. Little did I know 2 yrs later I would give it up to move to the States and marry my STBXH anyway 

_*Was your marriage the result of wanting to have a baby?*_ No... i just simply fell in love with this sweet, attentive, man. I thought he was a great guy until a couple of years in. We had our child 3 yrs after we were married.

RED FLAGS!!! I just reserved that book suggested by setmefree, at the library: Why does he do that. Can't wait to read up some more.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

This particular section of the forum ought to be required reading for couples contemplating engagement.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> This particular section of the forum ought to be required reading for couples contemplating engagement.


I know what you mean, but no one ever thinks it is going to happen to them. They are different, they will beat the odds of divorce.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> I know what you mean, but no one ever thinks it is going to happen to them. They are different, they will beat the odds of divorce.


They're in "love"


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I know what you mean, but no one ever thinks it is going to happen to them. They are different, they will beat the odds of divorce.


YEP... I was one of them. I thought just because his entire family is seriously messed up, his parents have been (each) divorced twice, along with just about everyone in the extended family, and half of them are addicts or have serious psychiatric conditions, he was so normal and he had it together.

It couldn't happen to us.

Years later the real him comes out, his clever and carefully glued mask of normality started to slip, and now it is entirely clear to me I am dealing with a seriously mentally ill person. And I mean seriously ill. My IC, has advised me to file for divorce and get court orders in place ASAP. She said do it quickly and get him out of the house permanently. And she is a pro-marriage counsellor. Once it became clear to her who he is and how ill he is she switched her sessions to recovery for me, not on saving the marriage.

She told me that with MANY years of very hard IC work on his part, things MAY change. She also added he has not even begun to look at or acknowledge his problems yet. And he's been in IC for a year. 

He's just left for the day and wouldn't tell our son where he was going. Hopefully he's looking at apartments! I can only hope!


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Tonight's adventures: He's been gone all day and didn't even bother to come home or call our son to say goodnight.

I truly don't think he really gives a damn about our child. He says he's going to ask for 3 days a week custody in the divorce. I can tell you right now he will dump our poor little boy with friends and go out partying. The actual time he spends with him will be minimal and checked out (like our family life has been).

I know he is only asking for 3 days a week to minimize child support payments. I know this because he has a now grown daughter to a girl he got pregnant when he was 20. Never married her, in fact only dated for a month then she dumped him. He put up a big fight in court all those years ago to get partial custody. He paid $199 a month in child support for close to 16 yrs (even when his income soared to over $100k a year) and chose to only see his daughter once or twice a month. He relinquished his parental duties to his BPD crazy mother and checked out on the poor little girl. It was sad to see this happen and I asked him why he let his mother have total control over his daughter. He had no answer and would get very defensive when I asked him about it.

I am NOT going to let my little boy be neglected by his father any more than he already has in his short life. I'm going to ask the court for him to have 2 weekends a month. And I'm going to give good reasons for it. I've done 98% of the child raising. I'm the one who helps him with school, goes to school to sort out problems, takes him to all his therapy and doc visits, cares for him, connects with him, is ALWAYS here for my little boy, emotionally and physically. He has done squat being involved in his life.

Got a facebook post from another friend with a comment in it from my STBXH and it seems he has hooked up with another floozy from his past. Looks like they are out together tonight. This is a chick who I found out was emailing him explicit messages about a year into our marriage. Way back then I told him it was inappropriate and he raged at me how I was trying to control him.

He attracts and surrounds himself with the most boundary-less people I have ever come across. All of his friends are screw-ups. They all have no boundaries and their lives are a mess. Good luck to him.

Typical BPD nutjob. On to the next victim even before we have filed divorce papers. Makes me sick. I abhor even laying eyes on him when he is in the house. He thinks he's proving something by chasing bimbos right now, I think he's pathetic. And seriously disrespectful to me and our child while he still lives here, let alone before the dicorce is even started not to mention final. It's so sick. I want him GONE.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

At 11.40pm last night I got a text from STBXH saying he wouldn't be home, would be back in the morning.

I told him he is hurting our son, our son will wake up and ask where daddy is and as usual, daddy is leaving me to pick up the pieces and comfort our boy.

I asked him who he was with, he refused to answer and started gaslighting me.

OMG.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Can you stop telling him those things - and drop your focus on him?

It will make you feel better if you can.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You are right. I should ignore it. Its hard when someone is flaunting it in your face, in an effort to hurt you/get one up on you.

This past week I have not felt the urge to cry or grieve. I think I may have moved past that stage. Now I just can't wait to get the divorce moving along and get him out of my life.

I hope he finds the grass oh so green on the other side!


----------

