# Husband gives money away



## honeybee3 (Oct 8, 2011)

My husband is currently in the military and I am not working because we both agreed it would pay off in the long term for me to finish school faster. His family does not have a lot of money, he pays for his fathers cell phone every month, he pays for his parents cable and internet bill, and whenever they're "tight" on money they come to him for it. His sister also hits him up for cash every once and a while and so does one of his brothers. My husband is the youngest of 4 children and he constantly has his family hounding him for cash. 
I've tried talking to my husband about this and every time it ends in a massive fight. He thinks I'm making this a personal attack on his family. I told him when there is a serious situation and someone needs money, give it to them but when it's all the time, it is unnecessary. We are trying to save money right now and with me not working it's difficult enough but him giving away at least 500 dollars a month is ridiculous. 
How should I go about making him realize this is a serious situation? I am becoming extremely resentful towards his family and him and I feel like if this doesn't get straightened out soon, it can blow up into a bigger nastier problem then it is.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Your husband really needs to understand that you and his marriage comes before his family. We are to forsake all others and cleave to our spouses (I don't know if you all are Christians.) Even if you are not, a marriage cannot survive if its not the priority. Maybe you can talk to him about a smaller amount he can give to the family. Also, if you all agreed to save money, and him giving away this money is going against this agreement, he needs to be reminded of that. Your husband also needs to understand that even though its family, they need to work for their money to or pay back any money they have borrowed. Um, why does anyone have cable and internet if they can't afford it? He's supporting people's habits to maintain a lifestyle they can't afford. If his parents are low income, they should be able to qualify for public assistance (including free cell phone service.) You're not really going to be able to "make him realize" but it does start with you expressing to him how things make you feel. Also, maybe he does not know how to say no and be okay with that. I am pretty sure if the majority of those times he went ahead and told his family no, he would see that his family is still okay without all the handouts.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

We have a cross-cultural marriage, and this was something we negotiated up front: when do and do we not help.
So, can you ask your husband to agree to set some boundaries as to what sort of events ought to involve him helping and what sort do not? You can maybe approach this as wanting to be sure that when they really need help you two can offer it. If all your money is gone to cell phones and cable then you won't be able to pay for the ambulance. Perhaps a dollar limit of how much help is appropriate for non-emergencies and a definition of emergencies?
We have the rule that we will help, as much as we can, with medical emergencies, for any relative. We will not fund toys and lifestyle items such as cell phones, computers, etc, except to a certain limit and only to his parents. It's the culture: sons are their parents' retirement.
My husband didn't see how much he was asked for/giving until we agreed there would be a limit on it. "I only sent $50." He's not one for adding up totals. This occasionally drives me nuts--yes, $5 repeatedly at the fast food place will overdraft the account, even if it is only $5. Duh. So a budget, agreed on, is a necessity. Your husband might be wired the same way.


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