# I'm starting to resent my husband



## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

I’m having marital problems and don’t really know what to do. A brief history of the relationship: 

We have been together since 2005. We have separated once (early in the relationship before marriage and we were barely out of being teens), and then my husband had an EA in 2011 (approximately). In 2012, I found out fully about the EA but I knew some about it before it was fully revealed. I began contacting the OW on my own to scare her off, and I also moved out of our apartment with our daughter into my own temporary housing. The OW stopped contacting my H shortly after that (about a month), and then eventually my H began contacting me again to move back – we had had contact during this as well about the status of our relationship but H did not act interested in me moving back until OW was gone. I know nothing physical happened because OW lives about 3000 miles away and neither her nor my H had any means to travel. I moved back in after another month or two to work on our marriage. We did a few sessions of counseling but then $ got tight and we had to stop. 

We are both fully transparent with everything – our cell phones, computers, facebook, etc. I check periodically usually if I notice odd behavior. Lately the last few years have been great. We have both been happy in our relationship together and my H has been honest and faithful to me.

Recently for what seems to be no reason, I’ve begun to think more about our separation in 2006, and the EA he had in 2011. I have recently began crying again about what happened and feeling very depressed. It really started last week – I was driving into work and I just started crying thinking about it, and I felt just like I did – gutted – in 2006 when I found out my H (we weren’t married then) wanted to see someone else, and then again in 2012 when I found out fully about the EA. It’s like I was right back there in those times. I feel just as worthless, unloved, unwanted, etc. I have convinced myself that H now wants OW again, even though he hasn’t talked to her in years nor mentioned her at all recently. I have convinced myself that H only married me because I was pregnant at the time, and that he only stays with me now to care for the kids (we have 2), cook, and clean – and I’m not sure why I feel this way. I don’t think I’m making a fair assessment of his intentions because my H has completely changed and now dotes on me all the time.

I told H about these feelings yesterday. He told me he is very sorry for what has happened but that's about all he has to say about it. When I tell him I feel like he only married me because of our daughter, he tells me that's definitely not true.

Normally I’d be OK with that, but another feeling I have now is also resentment. I have begun the last week to resent him and even find him disgusting. Today he wanted intimacy and just the thought of it was disgusting to me. I couldn’t enjoy it. I’ve been rejecting my H at every corner this week, and being very irritable with him (and we have had intimacy problems before – he is lower drive than me – it’s usually HIM rejecting ME). Normally when he works weekends I miss him, but this weekend I have been looking forward to the time when it’s just our kids and me without him. He wanted me to watch some videos with him online over the past few days and I just turned around and went to bed without even considering it. I dread the time he will come home tonight because I just don’t want to deal with any of it.

I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. Could this be depression bringing these feelings back? Could there be some sort of unresolved thing involving the past unfaithfulness that is causing this to come out? I just want things to go back to normal and to be happy again. 
I have a history of anxiety and depression and I have noticed my feelings of sadness and anxiety have heightened recently due to some other issues not related to my marriage. I'm not sure if that is related or not to this issue.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think it is partly depression, and also it takes a long time to get over a spouse's betrayal if one ever does.

If you can't afford the marriage counseling, do you think you can afford individual counseling? you would benefit a great deal from it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Depression. Plus you probably rugswept which means you brushed it all under the carpet.

Been there, done that!

However what I would suggest is that you seek medical help for your depression and the feelings that you are suffering from. 

This would include counselling and perhaps a short course of medication. 

Couple's counselling might also help. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Thank you. I will have to see tomorrow or Monday what types of counseling our health insurance covers. Money is better now than it was years ago. We are also involved in a religion that offers some types of counseling. I've been on medication before for my depression and do not enjoy it at all, but it may be something I will have to look into again.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have noticed that after a particularly stressful event or period in my life, issues that I thought were long gone between DH and I will unexpectedly rise to the surface. It feels like all these bad moments in our life are imprinted in our cells and when the body becomes stressed with bad feelings again, the negative energy activates all these negative memories.

At the moment I'm dealing with a particularly stressful issue and I know that if I'm not careful I will drag something that neither DH nor I want to talk about back into the open. It's not that we hold resentment, it's that some things are just better left 'forgotten' (pretend forgotten, since we can't literally remove the memories, unfortunately).

I think this other stress in your life is triggering everything else. The sooner you remove the other stress, or deal with it effectively, the sooner you can lay those memories back to rest.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I can keep this simple. . .this sounds like a grudge.

I think you come by it naturally with the 2 X chromosomes. . .you will have double than a human with 1 X and 1 Y chromosome so some of this isn't your fault.

You said everything has been great. . .those genetic predispositions are kicking in again.

I would skip marital counseling and explore the topic of forgiveness, either through books/rabbi/pastor/priest, the root of the word (it's interesting) and what it means to the forgiver. Your husband emotionally connected with a woman 4-5 years ago. . .congratulations, it means he's human too.

Good luck.

I do applaud you in that you realize this is YOUR issue, not your husbands.

And I would dismiss the advice on stress. We all have stress. . .good and bad everyday. . .it shouldn't trigger a grudge.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

By the way, Grudge is one the 4 Horseman of the Divorce Apocalypse. . .when that Horseman shows up, other Horseman show up.

The broader term for it is "CONTEMPT", which you are showing by being non-intimate.

It's now entered your marriage. . .now along with STONEWALLING (being non-intimate with your husband), another Horseman. Dropping the stonewalling is just a matter of behavior, but the CONTEMPT is really something deep within you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LM, I think you were so concerned about fixing the marriage you neglected to fix yourself and work through the wounds of rejection, abandonment, neglect and resulting resentment. Now it is coming back full force when you settled into a safer routine.
Sometimes we go back into relationships not because of love but because of trauma bonding, being rejected through the separation and then betrayed with your WH's EA has resulted in trauma. You wanted the marriage to work so you pushed through but those wounds/trauma is still there. You really need counselling.
If you are feeling resentful and dislike him, it might not be love for him but trauma bonding, which can keep you in the relationship for all the wrong reasons.
Ultimately you have to forgive him to get rid of the resentment. If you are fully healed then you will be in a better decision to make a decision to go or stay.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What does your typical week look like? What do you do in your life that is fulfilling for you? What does your husband do for you and the family? Do you go on dates at least once or twice a month? Do you volunteer (great thing to teach your kid, btw)? Are you exercising or doing a sport? It sounds like you're having a 7-year itch - not the kind where you want to cheat, but the kind where everything is just blase and boring and you're asking is that all there is. 

You have to work at a marriage to keep it healthy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Whoa, zombie thread...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Folks, this thread is three years old.


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