# Married me out of depression??



## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I got married older...to the one I thought was the one for me in college. She got married to someone else. I moved on. She contacted me a time or two over the years, it made me feel great but we were legitimately friends...we had been best friends in college, so I didn't look too far into it. She contacted me again after something bad happened in her marriage. Swore we'd be together and she should have never married the guy in the first place. I went with it...then she went back to him. Crushed me. Crushed.
Years later she called me out of the blue. I told her I was in a relationship and wished her the best. The relationship I was in was having it's own issues and the gf told me (because of distance...different countries) that if I need to "see someone else" she understood. She is more...open...to things. 
To make a long story short, I went with it and ended up marrying my wife. I felt it was a complete blessing. Total testimony to never having married and finally getting the one I knew was for me so many years ago.
Fast forward to now. We've been together for 4 years. 1 dating, 3 married.
We got into a fight and she ended up telling me that the first two years she was depressed...including the dating one...which blew my mind...and that she was in a fog so she didn't see clearly and therefore it wasn't her fault, she couldn't help it.
After that, the next two years we were growing distant because I was in my office working and doing FB and such.
She told me she fought for the marriage those two years...I didn't pick up on a 'fighting for the marriage' outside of her saying we needed more time together and I agreed. I loved her. But I had to pay the bills and the company I started when I was single had taken a notable hit every year after I got married. It was worth it, but I still had to try to keep things going. We have 3 homes (because two didn't sell, they are finally rented) and 3 kids. One is biologically mine.
Now she doesn't love me, isn't attracted to me and again...she was depressed when we married (still blowing my mind because it was one great year in my opinion).
I knew she was depressed the first year. I felt the rejection and over time I would occasionally look at things online (which was wrong) instead of trying to be with her...I knew rejection from previous relationships, didn't want it from my wife so...I handled it wrong).
I also stayed in contact with previous ex-gf, but one in particular upset her. I didn't really get it. None were ever inappropriate. I felt that we both had our histories. She had an ex that would also be in our life. I would never cheat on her, she was my best friend and dream girl. I even invited her to be friends with the one on FB because there really wasn't anything. I felt like we were adults, I'm not trying to hook up with anyone. 
Anyway, at the time, it made sense to...maybe only to my ego.
But now she says the texts and the inappropriate online stuff (which I told her about and wasn't often) took away her trust...which is something she had issues with prior.
I get it now. I never thought it was divorce-worthy.
I tend to go back to the fact that the says she was depressed to begin with and those other two issues are her escape routes.
I don't want her to...escape. I don't think she is seeing anyone else.
We have 3 great kids, 2 from her previous marriage and they don't see us fight so us splitting up with crush them.
I can't tell what is real. She runs a lot now. She is sometimes in a better mood but often not.
Doesn't appreciate anything.
I get the idea that chances of making this better are pretty low but I also think if we can get through this, then we can be stronger for it.
Never "sexted" or anything, let alone actually talk to someone in a way that was inappropriate.
We have a good life otherwise that was finally getting better.
This is a long enough intro. I just don't get it. I don't want to split up this family. Not sure if there is real depression...I think there is...and if there is, is it because she married me? If so, I don't see how it will work.
If it is an imbalance or deeper-seated issues, I will do whatever it takes...and have.
Any advice or encouragement is appreciated.


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## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

All I can say after reading this thread, many other threads on this forum and writing my own thread is that most people have gone Insane!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> we were growing distant because I was in my office working and doing FB and such.
> 
> I also stayed in contact with previous ex-gf, but one in particular upset her. I didn't really get it. None were ever inappropriate.
> 
> ...


So did you lock yourself in your office talking to exgirlfriends on facebook in inappropriate ways or not?

First you say you didn't, then you said you did although it wasn't often, then you say you "get it" when it comes to her trust issues about the online stuff.

You contradict yourself repeatedly.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Sorry I wasn't clear.
My office was always open.
I mainly got on FB when I'd finish some paperwork but had more to do, I'd click on FB for a quick break.
Whatever conversations I had with an ex on FB were usually public. The few that weren't were still not inappropriate.
The texts were few and far between.
I treated exes like any other friend because that is what they were. 
You still care about them as people but you don't continue on inappropriately.
One or two I still have to work with from time to time.
I forgave whatever hard times we had so there weren't any hard feelings on my part.
I guess that is why I saw things differently. I married the one I wanted in the end. I guess I never thought she'd be worried I'd want anyone else. My fault. But now she doesn't want me. 
And I can't tell if I really did cause it, if I was really just the rebound that she woke up and realized what she had gotten herself into, or if there is something clinical that we could get past if we/she sought treatment. She has had bouts with depression before.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> We have a good life otherwise that was finally getting better.
> This is a long enough intro. I just don't get it. I don't want to split up this family. Not sure if there is real depression...I think there is...and if there is, is it because she married me? If so, I don't see how it will work.
> If it is an imbalance or deeper-seated issues, I will do whatever it takes...and have.
> Any advice or encouragement is appreciated.


Advice:

1) Stop being friends with women you had relationships with years ago. They don't matter. The woman you are married to matters. Un-friend and block your exes. Ask yourself why you would want to be on FB anyway?

2) It seems like there is a good chance that your wife is depressed, and that your conduct is contributing to her depression. Try to get her in front of someone who can make a clinical diagnosis. Try to get her to go to Couples Counseling.

3) Read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Multiple times.

4) Stop being "kind of hopeful." Either be unflinchingly optimistic and completely confident that things will work out, or be bitterly and relentlessly pessimistic that you have no future together and begin the process of separation. Stop dithering.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

That is all actually really good advice. Thank you.


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