# Trouble dealing with wife's sexual past (and lies about being a virgin)



## DeeKay1

Because of my spritual beliefs and personal values, I chose to remain a virgin until my wedding night. Because I wanted to marry someone who shared my deep belief that sex was a beautiful gift from God to be used only within marriage, I avoided or ended relationships with women who felt differently. Also, my personality is such that I knew I could never be married to a woman who had engaged in sexual intercourse with another man. The thought of it would be just too much for me to handle. (I'm not saying that you have to agree with the fact that I refused to marry a woman who had engaged in sex with another man; I'm just saying that for me, personally, it is something that I wouldn't be able to deal with. That's part of why I chose to marry a virgin. Also, I'm not saying that you have to agree with my belief that sex is a gift of God to be used only within marriage. So, please don't use this thread to debate that issue.)

At the age of 23, I met the woman of my dreams. She knew how I felt about the issue of pre-marital sex, and she agreed with me that it was something to engage in only within marriage. She clearly knew that I would not marry someone whose beliefs were different from mine, and she told me that she was a virgin. We went out for three years and never had sex. At the age of 26, we got married. Knowing that she and I had "saved each other" for marriage was a very special feeling for me.

Eleven years later, my wife got a call out of the blue from a former boyfriend that she had dated for 6 years. She hadn't heard from him in several years. She spoke with him for nearly an hour and it upset me. She told me that I had no right to be upset because she "just had to know how he was doing." After some heated discussions about that phone call, she "came clean" and admitted to me that she had had a sexual relationship with him during their college years. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated because during our courtship she told me she was a virgin.

Now in our 25th year of marriage, last month my wife admitted to me that she had also had sex with another boyfriend, too.

My problem is this: I love my wife more than anything in the world, but dealing with her deception, along with the haunting images in my mind of her having intercourse with those men, is very difficult for me. I try to be a loving and forgiving Christian husband, but I find myself feeling negatively towards her. This situation has adversely affected our relationship.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Is it common for a woman to lie about being a virgin? Any suggestions as to how I can learn to better deal with my feelings about her?

Thanks!


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## artieb

It's common for people to lie about something if they think they'll be judged, or otherwise suffer, for telling the truth. Virginity, whether they think about other women, what their favorite TV show is. People lie because they're afraid of the person they're lying to.

Your wife shouldn't have lied to you. But something you need to understand is that the person she is, and has been for all these years, is the result of those earlier sex acts. If she had been a virgin, she might not have been as good a wife as she was. Those experiences, and the breakups which followed, helped make her into the woman you wanted to marry. Maybe those experiences helped her mature, and caused her to reject other men like those first two and seek out a man like yourself. Maybe she felt bad about herself afterwards, and has been less quick to judge others these last 25 years because of her awareness of her own shortcomings. Not being without sin, she may have spent the last several decades unwilling to cast the first stone.

Think about this: all that's wrong here, in terms of your experience, is that she lied. You _thought_ she was a virgin, but you've actually spent the last 25 years happily married to someone who _wasn't_ a virgin on her wedding night, and apparently everything was fine and you were happy.

The thing to do here isn't to judge her for her sins, which isn't your job anyway. The thing to do here is to ask yourself whether you would have married her if you'd known the truth. If the answer is "no", doesn't that mean you would have denied yourself these last 25 years of happy marriage? Would that be worth it, in your view?

It seems to me that the real lesson to draw from this is not one of anger at your wife, though her lying to you was wrong. The lesson to draw is that your requirement to have a virgin was inflated in importance, because your marriage seems to have been quite successful. Do not now let that requirement remain so inflated in importance that you put a cold rule ahead of the human being you've shared your life with.


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## sisters359

Those haunting images are unhealthy, to say the least. They suggest you are "stuck" on this issue, and this can become an obsession that will destroy your marriage. There are a couple of other men who have written about similar problem. 

You are basically torturing yourself with these images--why? Focus on that issue, not your wife's past--she lied, and it could have been about anything; you'd probably forgive her and get on with it. But you are using her sexual past to punish yourself (and her, probably), so getting to the root of that will help you the most. Perhaps you are insecure about your masculinity/sexual performance. Your rigidity about your partner's sexual history suggests as much--maybe you were using your faith to try and guarantee you'd never be "measured" against another man's equipment or performance, and now that the facade has come down, all your insecurity about yourself manifest themselves in fantasies about her having pleasure with another. 

So before turning this into a marital issue, figure out why it is such a big deal to you. If you can get beyond the insecurity over comparisons, you may be able to forgive your wife for lying. While you are obsessed with her sexual past, however, you probably won't be able to consider anything else with any clarity. They really are two completely separate issues--her sexual past is hers and it's in the past, should be a non-issue; her lying was a breach of trust at the outset of your relationship. After 25 years, one hopes you have plenty of reasons to forgive her for that, but you won't get near that stage if you can't let go of these haunting images, as I'm sure you well know. Good luck.


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## Dryden

You already have some great advise from both of the above posts.

Should she have lied about it? No. However, as artieb stated, people unfortunately will do this when they feel they may be judged poorly by revealing the truth. Hopefully you will be able to understand and forgive these and not sacrifice all the good years that you have had together.

It is understandable to be hurt and upset by it, but remember to ask yourself: 'If I sinned against God, then fessed up and asked forgiveness, what would He do?' I think we know the answer.

My wife also had a partner before me and while this bothered me at first I reminded myself that she left him, and she's with Me.


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## marcy*

Maybe she did a mistake when she lied to you, but she did it because she was afraid she was going to lose you. She was young. Virgin, or no virgin is not a guaranty that she will not cheat on you later. You think maybe she is thinking of these former boyfriends. Only she knows the answer, but don't forget even if she was virgin she could had feelings of other men. The curiosity of being with somebody else, since she had only one man in her life. 
Stop torturing yourself. She chose you because she found what she was looking for, to you and not them. During these time you have been together, I believe she was faithful to you. You have a happy marriage. What is bothering you now doesn't make sense to me. Are you tired of being happy, and are looking for some trouble? 
By the way, you didn't know the difference between a virgin and no virgin, when you had intercourse with her for the first time?


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## DeeKay1

First of all, thanks very much for your advice and input. Each of your responses is very insightful, logical and thought-provoking.

Before going any further, I'd like to say that sisters359 comment that I was using my faith as a means of covering up insecurities about my masculinity or sexual prowess. Unfortunately, we are living in a society in which someone with sincere faith, and the values that go along with that faith, are scrutinized. If someone has faith in God or goes against the "grain" of societal values, there must be some underlying psychological reason for it. Example: some will claim that those with strong faith in God are simply weak human beings who must rely on something outside of themselves (i.e. God) to handle their problems rather than handling their problems themselves.

In this case, rather than accepting the fact that my faith and strong belief that sex is a beautiful gift from God only to be used only within marriage was the reason that I remained a virgin until marriage, and consequently chose to marry someone who shared those deep spritual beliefs, sisters359 has concluded that there had to be a deep-seeded underlying psychological (and worldly) reason (being insecure with my masculinity) that caused me to want to marry a virgin.


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## Dryden

Not disagreeing with you here DK, but keep in mind that as humans we are not perfect and we are susceptible to temptation. Having deep faith not only includes doing our best to adhere to the teachings of the Bible, but it also involves being able to forgive those that sin against us as we are called to be more like God. Obviously it's not easy and can and will take some time and effort from both parties. 

I don't think sisters post was trying to say that was the exact reason, but perhaps that it was an underlying reason as to why you are now finding it difficult to get past the situation.

Seeing a Christian couples counselor may help both of you to get through this.


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## DeeKay1

Sorry, I wasn't done with my previous post....

So, I just want to let sisters know that her theory was incorrect.

Unfortunately, as logical as each of your advice is, it is still a difficult issue for me to deal with. During my college years and beyond, I dated many amazing women. Unfortunately, because of my spritual beliefs and personal values, I could not let those relationships develop into serious ones.

My wife knew how strongly I felt about the virginity issue, and clearly knew that I would not have married her if she were not a virgin. Yet, she intentionally lied about it. Now, this "baggage" has become a part of our marriage. There's an expression that "lies always come back to bite you in the ass." In this situation it has "bitten" both of us.

I often think that, if she were not truthful with me about an issue that she knew was so important to me while we were dating, can I fully trust her now. For example: do you think it's normal for a married woman to talk with a former boyfriend of 6 years, who calls her "out of the blue" after having had no communication with him for 13 years, and talks with him for an hour? And, when I told her that it upset me, she said that I had absolutely no reason to be upset because she "just had to know how he was doing." And, a week later, at a class reunion, she spent the whole time with him while I milled around talking to other people in her class. It was shortly after the reunion that she admitted that she had had a sexual relationship with him when they were dating.

A few months ago, while my friends and I were out at a bar, they began bragging about their sexual conquests while in high school. And, it came out that, while in high school, my wife had had a sexual relationship with a friend of the friend of mine who I was at the bar with. When I asked my wife about it, she acknowledged that it was indeed true.

While everyone's advice is very good and logical, why do I feel so lousy about this?


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## AlexNY

DeeKay1 said:


> While everyone's advice is very good and logical, why do I feel so lousy about this?


Because you think that your wife stole something from you. Although I do not agree with your spiritual beliefs, I respect your right to do so and I will frame my advice within that context.

You will have to come to terms with two things:

_*Item 1: "I forgive you for lying to me in order to force me into an arrangement that is less than perfect for me."*_

AND

_*Item 2: "I accept to give you all of myself in return for less than all of you."*_

The problem is, it will be easy for you to forgive item 1, but very hard for you to accept item 2.

However, your choice will be made easer by the fact that you do not have one.

You will either torture yourself and your wife for the rest of your life, or you will forgive and accept.

By the way, to help you accept: ask many married men on this board how important their past experiences are to them ... nobody will say it mattered at all.

When it comes to sex, one partner is pretty much the same as all others. You are not missing very much at all.

Good luck.


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## Dryden

You likely feel so lousy because it feels like you've been betrayed. You thought you were marrying one person, but found out that there's more to it than that. Sometimes being blissfully unaware can be nice.

While I agree that to get through this it will need Forgiveness and Acceptance, I feel like the way Alex has worded it contains a little bitterness. While this bitterness will be there at first, if you choose to forgive and accept, there can be no bitterness left.

The choice is yours, but it sounds like you have had a happy marriage up until now. Does this new revelation, that your wife made some questionable choices before she was with you, really change all of the good things that you have experienced as a couple? Has she really given you any other reasons to doubt her faithfulness?


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## DeeKay1

Anyone have any thoughts about the other issues I raised in my previous post:

* My wife talking with her former lover on the phone for an hour, and then spending all of her time with him at the class reunion while leaving me on my own (I wasn't even in that graduating class, so its not like I was part of that group). And, telling me that it was ludicrous for me to be upset about the phone call because she "just had to know how he was doing."

* Finding out from my friends at a bar that she had had a sexual relationship with another guy during her college years.

Based on these things, and the lie she had told me about being a virgin, should I have "trust" issues, or am I just being paranoid?


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## New Beginnings

DK, as hard as this may be for you, and trust me I can comprehend insecurities with a loved ones past because it can even get to me. But you have to understand something. This actually has almost nothing to do with her anymore. Yes, she lied and yes she has a past that is different than yours but you got to look at yourself, not her. I can honestly tell you that if this was rewinded back to the beginning of this relationship, a loved ones past is much more fresh and yeah it could give you insecurity but this isn't way back then, this is 25 years later. Maybe those three events of more recently between the bar, reunion, and that phone call is what makes it so much more close to home. I would suggest that you alone talk to a conselor first. Not pointing at you for any reason other than the obvious struggle and feeling of betrayal your dealing with. 25 years of marriage is something that almost no one reaches anymore sadly. So ask yourself, what is that worth to me and can I acknowledge how significant that time period is to me as well as the significance of that accomplishment. You should honestly be extremely proud of yourself and especially her. Also ask yourself this, how well do you know how your wife feels about you and your marriage after 25 years. She could be feeling a multitude of feelings that you could have no clue on. There are a sad quantity of posts on these forums where guys seem to have been oblivious to how their actions and treatment of their wives came back to haunt them. Theres so many issues out there and your picking at what is honestly a minor problem. Maybe to you it is major and I respect your feelings on that, god knows I wish I had that purity with my spouse too but then again I wouldn't want to have her not have been able to experience all the crappy relationships out there either. If she had no past experiences with relationships, was having internal conflict with how your marriage is, she could be extremely vulnerable or desire/wonder if that grass is actually greener theory. Can you look at yourself and say you are confident your wife has had a happy 25 year marriage or might there be things about you yourself that she has had to accept to get to 25 years? Be careful DK, this is a mole hill and not a mountain. You could end up pushing her away from you and regretting your dwelling on something that is so long in the past. 

I think you really should talk to a conselor though. I dont want you to think I am judging you or telling you that you have some mental problem but at least a professional therapist can put this into perspective. 

Oh and here is something to chew on too. Imagine being a female and dating guys who to be honest are typically more interested in getting a little tail than having a positive relationship at that age that she likely had sex before. I can positively tell you that guys are pushy when it comes to getting some. Do you think she was oh yeah lets get it on with some boy friend or do you think she might have felt pressured and cornered into it. I know my wife now actually had hated having sex because it always sucked prior to me. I'm the first person that she says she has found herself enjoy the act with. Now if that is how your wife had experienced this in her past with maybe being pushed or pressured into it, and then to essentially be judged for her decisions as a young adult, I can bet she will feel belittled, unappreciated for what she has with you and likely you will hurt her worse than this is hurting you. 

Another thing that I think you should take into account, did it not ever occur to you how silly it is to think someone had a six year relationship that didn't have sex involved at some point in time? 

Okay now I think you should step back and think about this for a second. I honestly believe that your going to cause a lot of damage here with something that after this long, honestly doesn't really matter when you weigh it against a 25 year marriage. I'm afraid if you don't, your going to open yourself up to starting another thread that will be considerably more painful than what this one feels like now. I also would be a lot more concerned with that hour phone call than this. And don't go jump down her throat about any of this. You will end up pushing her into an EA potentially with an old flame. And that result you will only have yourself to blame. So take all this negative engery and put it to a positive use with making sure your connected with her emotionally and get someone for you to talk to to at least help you look at what is hurting for you.


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## DeeKay1

New Beginnings,

Wow! Your post was absolutely unbelievable and really hit home! I can't thank you enough. I sat here and read it four times before writing this response. It really made me stop and think: especially about how my knit-picking, pettiness and self-centeredness could ultimately result my pushing her away from me!

I also liked the part where you said that perhaps there were things that my wife didn't like about me, yet had to accept, to get to 25 years of marriage. Now that you mention it, she's probably had to endure many more of my negative qualities than the one or two things about her that have bothered me.

Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your advice. I now have a much different perspective on this whole thing. 

I can't thank you enough!!!


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## Nekko

You may have these beliefs but the vast majority of men don't. In fact most of them will only decide if they are serious about a relationship after they have sex with a woman. Keeping that in mind, is it so odd that women adapt to this world and have sex before married? Knowing that if they don't there's another woman round the corner who'll surely give the man they are interested in whatever he wants?

As for why she lied, it may not have been the right thing to do. But did you ever consider that maybe you were the one nice guy she finally found and wanted to be with and the only thing standing in the way of you being married was the fact that she was not a virgin? Which she had to give up to even stand a chance in forming a meaningful relationship? 

Don't take this as a sure thing but as a woman i know this was an issue for many of my friends and it troubled me at times as well.


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## SimplyAmorous

Deekay1: 

SOOOO Much excellent advice here!! I couldn't have shared better myself. I do HOPE that , even though you are a Christian, you can see the deep Value & HOPE in these replies, from others who may not share your same beliefs, but DO understand the Human condition & how some can fall - like your wife, even hide things - given our response to them. You do realize MOST women NEVER have to make the hard choice your wife was faced with. 

That loosing you WAS indeed her fate IF she has been honest all those years ago, as you made that VERY VERY CLEAR. Do you know how excrutiatingly difficult that would be for a woman who felt she found the LOVE OF HER LIFE - to watch it slip through her fingers? What a tormenting choice. 

*Ask yourself this hard question*: If you could go back in time, which would you have changed >>>> Her Honesty - meaning you would have dumped her & married another? 

or YOUR Rigidity on this issue? Meaning you would have fogiven her past, accepted her, delt with this early on & enjoyed these last 25 yrs - probably more so ? 

IF these last 25 yrs have been truly Blessed & a gift from God above, I find it rather AMAZING - as she KNEW she could never feel SAFE enough to fully share WHO she was at her core, where she came from, her struggles, her weaknesses -without Judgement from her husband, her closest friend, her Lover, her Protector in life. I would think this alone would cause her much inner turmoil, even silent pain. She loved you SO much, she sacrificed who she was to KEEP you, to be what you wanted in a wife. 

Maybe after many many years of feeling she could never ultimately live up to the holy virginous woman you believed she was, but instead just a weak fallable human being needing acceptance, she has found herself almost NEEDING to reach out to others who can accept her in ALL of who she is, with no hiding anymore - Old boyfriend she was on the phone with maybe? 

Please, I hope you can see these things do not have to be. Everyone has problems in marraige, Christians and Non-Christians alike. 

We all NEED to feel SAFE when we open up to our spouses about anything & everything. Maybe this is ALL she needs from *YOU* - for you to allow her to be WHAT SHE IS -finally, before you, flaws, mistakes and all and for you to take her in your arms, hold her & tell her "Everything will be OK, I treasure our life together, I love you, I have always loved you" and (maybe even) - I am even very happy you lied to me! 

* LOVE can get past anything*. 

Since you are a Christian , maybe you would enjoy this forumThe Marriage Bed • Index page


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## DeeKay1

SimplyAmorous,

Yesterday, before my wife left for work, she left me a note that said, "Hope you have a good day....praying that God will grant you peace of mind and heart."

The posts on this website over the past two days have done just that. When I read posts like yours and some of the others, it's almost as if God is using you, through your thoughts and writings on this thread, to help me heal and to give me peace of mind and heart. 

Your posts have helped me to recognize many things, particularly that the "human condition" requires each and every one of us to recognize that we all have a past and a story that goes along with it. I've also learned that, because we humans are not perfect, we must all demonstrate qualities of understanding and forgiveness in our relationships. 

Again, thanks to your posts, I've been able to see this whole situation with a much better perspective. I will strive to be a "true man and better husband" by recognizing my owe frailties and by being less selfish, more understanding and more forgiving.

Thanks again!


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## Dryden

DK, glad to hear that those here have been able to help in some way! The initial surge of feelings can be overwhelming and it can be such a help to simply be able to talk about it and get input from others.

God Bless and Good Luck!


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## 63Vino

artieb said:


> It's common for people to lie about something if they think they'll be judged, or otherwise suffer, for telling the truth. Virginity, whether they think about other women, what their favorite TV show is. People lie because they're afraid of the person they're lying to.
> 
> Your wife shouldn't have lied to you. But something you need to understand is that the person she is, and has been for all these years, is the result of those earlier sex acts. If she had been a virgin, she might not have been as good a wife as she was. Those experiences, and the breakups which followed, helped make her into the woman you wanted to marry. Maybe those experiences helped her mature, and caused her to reject other men like those first two and seek out a man like yourself. Maybe she felt bad about herself afterwards, and has been less quick to judge others these last 25 years because of her awareness of her own shortcomings. Not being without sin, she may have spent the last several decades unwilling to cast the first stone.
> 
> Think about this: all that's wrong here, in terms of your experience, is that she lied. You _thought_ she was a virgin, but you've actually spent the last 25 years happily married to someone who _wasn't_ a virgin on her wedding night, and apparently everything was fine and you were happy.
> 
> The thing to do here isn't to judge her for her sins, which isn't your job anyway. The thing to do here is to ask yourself whether you would have married her if you'd known the truth. If the answer is "no", doesn't that mean you would have denied yourself these last 25 years of happy marriage? Would that be worth it, in your view?
> 
> It seems to me that the real lesson to draw from this is not one of anger at your wife, though her lying to you was wrong. The lesson to draw is that your requirement to have a virgin was inflated in importance, because your marriage seems to have been quite successful. Do not now let that requirement remain so inflated in importance that you put a cold rule ahead of the human being you've shared your life with.



Thumbs way up artieb. (nice post)

I would only add that religion (since you explain that you are relgious) IS about acceptance, tolerance and non-judgement. NOT the opposite. (judgement, anger, jealousy etc)
At least that's what my view of it is...

Just because you didnt have all the information you now have does in no way mean your life was a lie...


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## SimplyAmorous

Deekay1 :

I am so very happy to hear you can see this through new eyes, and it is Healing for you. 

My oldest son is a Christian, and he also wants to wait until he is married & his dream is to find a virgin as well, he was very strict on this requirement to weed the women out & told me he would let them know this if he considered a relationship with someone. I accually had this VERY conversation with him about a year ago -as I felt he may be setting himself up for repressed communication and her lying to him if everything else is near perfect. 

I did notice the last time we talked, he said something to the fact that he no longer feels this way, that her past is less important than who she IS when they meet, what they share, & their goals for the future. I was smiling in my heart about that, because It IS just SOOO vital for heartfelt communication & harmony in a marraige. 

Me & my husband were both virgins when we married. We waited for intercourse, although not as Holy & Pure in other things we did before the wedding day - as some Christians would have Judged. I thought I would test the waters & talk about that on the Christian board I gave a link for & got beat up relentlessly !! I find much more understanding & acceptance on this board. 

I know this- even IF one of us slipped with another or had sexual encounters before we met , I might have been VERY DISAPPOINTED in this fact, but I would surely never have traded our last 20 yrs together. It was meant to be. 

It sounds like you feel the same, and truly this is all that matters. 

SO glad you stumbled upon this forum.


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## Dryden

SimplyAmorous said:


> Deekay1 :I thought I would test the waters & talk about that on the Christian board I gave a link for & got beat up relentlessly !! I find much more understanding & acceptance on this board.


Off topic but:
This is one of the things that I think gives Christians a bad rap. So many of them are so quick to judge what others are doing. Do Christians have a responsibility to confront someone that is sinning, yes, but they have no right to be demeaning while they do it. I dislike when I hear other Christians acting 'Holier than thou' because you will not come across a single one of us that hasn't sinned in some way shape or form.


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## SimplyAmorous

Dryden said:


> Off topic but:
> This is one of the things that I think gives Christians a bad rap. So many of them are so quick to judge what others are doing. Do Christians have a responsibility to confront someone that is sinning, yes, but they have no right to be demeaning while they do it. I dislike when I hear other Christians acting 'Holier than thou' because you will not come across a single one of us that hasn't sinned in some way shape or form.


 Off topic again, but in fairness, I do not necessarily feel they were purposely trying to demean me, as much as correct my thinking to Biblical purity, it was not a personal attack as much as a scriptural attack. They would say I was outrightly condoning sin, I would argue they are unrealistic and put heavy weights on men & women who God created to be sexual beings & it is not healthy to sexually Repress *EVERYTHING* within you. I guess trying to prove this Biblically is a complete chasing after the wind. 

Many of them accually believe it is possible to masterbate & NOT have lustful thoughts. If you do allow a lustful thought to slip in, you MUST repent. And before marraige, you are not even allowed to THINK of your fiance in such terms, let alone touch her. Can you even imagine this raging battle?? Heck, what is the point of living !

Even though it was a discussion about my past, the fact was me & my husband (then fiance) felt pretty darn GOOD before God that we restrained ourselves enough to NOT have intercourse, but how quickly something I saw as beautiful & Loving got TRAMPLED on when I shared it & my thoughts with some of these Christians! 

I was compelled to post because many were commenting on this idea that if you had premarital sex or any premarital petting, that your marraige is "Marked" and will be LESS Blessed, you are doomed for troubles ahead. I just felt I needed to comment on that point alone. 

But I, of coarse, was taking on a battle that in no way could I win on their GROUND, as what they see as Pure & Holy from God is just something 99.9% of us could never attain in reality. I guess I don't see God in the same "Box" as them. 

And when they CAN attain this state of being, the funny thing is >> they are Baffled/almost shocked when they finally get married & the wife informs her husband she doesnt care if she ever has sex with him! 

ALOT of Represson on that board. 

But interesting none the less.


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## Deejo

I apologize for not having read this initial thread prior to responding to your other posting.

Certainly looks like you have been given some excellent input.

Mine is pretty simple too.

You have an opportunity.

You have an opportunity to further explore, learn, accept, forgive, and strengthen the bond you have built over 25 years; or you can focus on using what she didn't tell you over a quarter of a century ago, because she had found the man she wanted to spend her life with and was afraid that he would not accept her for her past.

Again, I don't mean this to be a sleight against your faith, but do you get to cherry-pick what is 'design' and what isn't? Maybe you have the truth now, simply to see what you will do with it? If you have a wife that remains committed to you and loves you, you are in possession of a relationship that many here would envy.


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## michzz

I can remember a time when the Catholic church taught that the only "approved" sex was in marriage and only for the purpose of making babies. Otherwise it was sinful expression of lust.

A bit extreme.

I see wanting a faithful spouse who loves and honors you. But requiring a virgin? A difficult quest!

Your wife told you a lie that most women tell their man, as in minimizing their sexual past to the man they love. be it that they were a virgin or that they only were with one or two guys before you and it was awful, awful, awful. They are trying to appear "chaste" so you will get past the past and love them for the present and future.

If I were you I'd not make such a big deal about whatever transpired before you married.

Look at the context of your marriage and how the both of you have interacted. Has that been good? if so, great!


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## steve71

Hi DeeKay

Your wife's original decisions to conceal her early sexual experiences must be difficult for a man with your values. And it could well have been incredibly difficult for her to live with that silence. Can you view her silence as a testament to her love for you and, moving along a little, haven't the last twenty-five years been a redemption? I suspect you're a luckier man than you realize.


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## DeeKay1

Steve71,

Very insightful comments and beautiful advice....thank you!!!

And, thinking about what you said, yes, I now realize what a lucky man I am to have such a wonderful wife!


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## Dryden

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was compelled to post because many were commenting on this idea that if you had premarital sex or any premarital petting, that your marraige is "Marked" and will be LESS Blessed, you are doomed for troubles ahead. I just felt I needed to comment on that point alone


I call total BS on that one! I am a professing Christian, as is my wife. Can you guess when our first daughter was born? 2 months before we got married. We admit to our mistake and we take ownership of it, however our union is nowhere near LESS blessed than anyone elses that we know. In fact we're both blessed with loving families, healthy kids, well paying jobs the list goes on and on.
Was it against biblical teaching, yes. However once repented, sin is forgiven.
Like with anything, there are some that are fanatical and skew the Word, where as many are very levelheaded and take real teachings from it.

ps. sorry for the late post, been pretty busy recently.


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## parker2344

Wow, I just found this looking for advice. Simillar situation. I'm about to be married 7 years and my wife just told me she had multiple partners before we got married.

I would have preferred a virgin as I was, but what really burns me up is that she has lied to me for nearly a decade as we talked about this well before we got married. She admitted to doing everything but sex with a dozen or so people and I admitted to my pathetic history of kissing 2 people (I was foolishly saving myself for marriage)

Given what she did tell me about herself, I had my doubts so I gave her another chance before we were married to "come clean". I told her I didn't have a problem with her having had sex, but I would have a problem if she couldn't be honest with me. I could build a marriage without her virginity, but not without honesty. 

Not only did she swear she'd never done anything, but she blasted me for even asking. 

So now, last night she comes up stairs sits down and says she's been lying to me and then told me about her string of lovers prior to me. It was like getting knifed in the gut.

Here's my two issues:

1) While I did not require it, I highly valued my wife's virginity as a special gift to me and a special bond we shared as co-virgins. This really helped me feel close and also unique to her especially given my limited experience versus her vast. So now I feel like I've been robbed. I would've rather never had thought I had her virginity than think I had and then have it stripped away.

2) How am I ever supposed to trust her? She lied to my face and has done so for 10 years. Not only that, but she has even used her "fake virginity" as leverage in arguments; telling me that we have a special bond and we're one and I'm the only man she's been with. 

I'm angry and hurt. And I feel like a complete fool. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she did if I wouldn't trust her to be honest going forward. She tells me this in the same night! And for anyone wondering, I'm not a religious zealot (she was way more religious than me), and I've treated her like an absolute princess (even she agrees with that).

So what do I do? I've read these post and feel like they can apply but I know my situation is a little different.


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## SimplyAmorous

Parker - What brought this subject to come up after all these years ? 

Your situation *IS* different because , unlike the original Poster, you did NOT inform her that she would be banished if she was NOT a virgin, you gave her the Opportunity to come clean, BE REAL, that your LOVE for her would NOT leave - if she had other experiences, it may have hurt you but you loved her enough to still make her your wife. 

I see Deekays wife as having a tormenting choice >>> honesty meant total LOSS, the death & burial of the one she loved & wanted to marry. To me, I just see that as almost easily forgivable under such dire circumstances. 

BUt your situation is MUCH HARDER. WHy did your wife hide this from you -when you clearly told her that , although it meant a great deal to you, that it was NOT the deal breaker, that THE TRUTH meant more to you, than her virginity. (Is it possible she did not believe you, but *felt* you might turn on her and Look elsewhere *if* she had told the real truth?) 

I would also be very very upset -finding this out later, plus her using this "virginity hoax" all these years -to help settle arguments- that was cruel. 

I think it would have been a RED FLAG for her "blasting" you years ago when you asked though. Anyone who reacts like this - when they are in love & about to marry, something is just not right - we should WANT to share our whole past, the good & bad, what we have learned from it, etc - you both NEED to feel "accepted" to do this -for the sake of deep communication in any future marraige. 

Real Trust has been lost here. Do not feel like a Fool. This is more on her. Has communication always been difficult in your marraige ? Have you found other indescesions?

I hope you start your own thread -- give your story.


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## parker2344

As far as I know there's never been any communication problems whatsoever with us. I've always told her everything and I thought she'd done the same.

She says she believed me when I said I would take her as is but that she didn't want to hurt me so she just kept the lie going.

This is all moving so fast for me. I went from having what seemed like a perfect marriage to finding out it started out on a lie to now being told that she isn't sure if she can stay with me.

I'm the one that was hurt, but I'm the one fighting to keep the marriage. It's like getting punched in the face but concerned about the person who broke their fist hitting me instead of taking care of my own broken nose.

I don't know where to go from here because she tells me there's nothing I need to change and nothing I do that's wrong. She says she just doesn't care for me like she used to and that she thinks the guilt/shame from lying is part of that.


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## SimplyAmorous

parker2344 said:


> She says she believed me when I said I would take her as is but that she didn't want to hurt me so she just kept the lie going.


 SOOOOO many people do this in life, we say what we think the other "needs" to hear, we fear hurting them more than bearing our hearts/souls nakedly before them. (sometimes it has more to do with ourselves > the shame, and sometimes it has more to do with them - not wanting to CRUSH them emotionally).  But we forget, we are lying to ourselves when we do this- this is never good for the one making up the story, it is a betraying of themselves. And so much worse for the hearer when learning the raw truth at a later time.  

Maybe she felt , in her mind-at the time, what difference does this make?? Was she young, niave? Please try to get past this part, at least NOW she has come clean. Maybe she is testing your acceptance -even now. 

There has to be other things going on here -besides just this alone. A woman does not just -all of a sudden , go from happy housewife to "I'm not sure I want to stay with you" without more to the story. 

Is there someone else? Has the attraction been lost? MIdlife crisis? Something? I am sure this hidden guilt/shame thing played a part, but more is missing here. 

We are hi-jacking this thread, seriously, Post your story on a new thread, maybe others can shed some light.


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## shocs12

well my reply is, if you had married a virgin would that had being bad? Because it sounds like many people here are defending your wife. Yes 25yrz is long but what if she lied to you just to get married? Her sex experiences have made her who she is now please! What about all the virgin wives out there? Just because they didnt sleep around doesnt it mean there weird? Frankly man you where duped. And i can assure your wife has more secrets in her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin

She agreed with you, during dating, that sex should be saved for marriage. To me, that sounds as though she'd had a change of heart/mind after having sex with those other guys, and decided that she wanted to wait to have sex again until she was married. Granted, that does not *exactly* match what you were looking for, but it is similar enough that I would say you two shared the same beliefs. 

Lying about being a virgin...she was wrong. I won't try to deny that, she was wrong to lie. However, consider this: when the topic came up, had you been together long enough to begin developing serious feelings for each other? I'm not trying to justify her lie, I don't believe in lying to your significant other. I would never lie to my boyfriend, about anything, for any reason. But perhaps...if she felt that she could or was falling in love with you, she didn't want to risk losing you, and knowing how you felt, knew that the truth would cost her the relationship. So, instead, she lied. Again, no, it's not justified. But consider that she didn't do it to be malicious or anything bad, but truly out of good feelings. 

I don't know how common it is for women to lie about being a virgin. I never did. No one I know, as far as I know, ever did. But, I am also considerably younger than you (sorry!) which means that my friends and I are of a different generation and therefore, different beliefs to a degree. 

After 25 years of marriage, I would seriously question whether you want to throw all that away over this. I'm not saying it's insignificant, but when you look at the history you two share, I would seriously ask yourself if all that history doesn't trump that one lie.

Perhaps speaking to your minister or another counselor of some sort about your feelings could help you to deal with this?


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## Gaia

I almost replied to this thread... then realized its 2 years old...... tsk tsk Aule.... you almost got me... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bee93

its actually really obvious. obviously she knew that you would dump her if you found out...and obviously she loves you A LOT and would do anything to be with you. now no offence but your kind of judgemental if you dump people based on the fact theyve had sex..now believe me i understand where you are coming from! im a christian myself and have the same opinion as you...i want to remain a virgin until im married and would like it if myhusband did the same so we were only for each other bla bla bla....but sometimes you cant make a checklist of a person because you fall in love...and love isnt of the brain its of the heart...and the heart certainly has no checklist it just loves...for whatever reason. you loved/love this wife of yours for a reason. yer she lied to you....but you brought that on yourself! if you werent so clear that you would dump anyone whos not a virgin she wouldnt have felt pressured into keeping it from you. yes it wasnt a great thing to do...but people do things for the sake of holding on to the person they love...
seriously your married....she clearly feels kinda threatened and scared you wont love her if she shows any faults...do you still love her? pretend she had told the truth...you loved her once right? so its up to you to sit her down and tell her that you love her. you understand she lied because you made her feel she couldnt tell you the truth...(which you did!) and tell her that you want her to tell you everything. tell her your secrets. it will make her feel less intimidated. 

then clear it all up, and promise eachother that you will be honest for the rest of your lives no matter how bad it is cos despite everything you entered a marriage because of love. (the lies were only out of pure passionate love) and no matter what you love her and will never leave her. 

........cos unfortunatly as a christian you cant get divroced right? anyway just cos you feel upset about her lies doesnt mean you dont love her...iit just means your upset. youll get over it. and youll both move on.


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## bg 600

Hello

I wonder how your wife would feel if you were to have sex with 2 other women to even the score ! Women will lie in order to get the "man of their dreams". In this case because you have so much invested i would try as hard as i could to forgive your wife . If you find over time that you just cannot do it then you should divorce. Sounds horrible i know. Life is about hard choices.


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