# What is your take on in -house separation?



## sarah25 (Mar 4, 2012)

I am currently staying with my stbxh, for financial reason. Would you agree for this kind of arrangement?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I am in the same situation.. It sucks.

Emotionally its confusing for me the longer we are together. I am stuck in some kind of limbo. Until my daughter & I have moved out there are no consequences for his actions. He is being really ****y and arrogant about what he has done. 

I still cook, clean etc as before. As I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for our daughter. We sleep in seperate bedrooms, I share with my daughter - he is in her room. 

When we are alone it is like there is an elephant in the room that no-one talks about. I want to scream at the top of my lungs....

House is on the market though - so hoping the karma truck will come on by & run him over when it is sold!!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i just dont see it as a separation really, especially when the 2 still have sex even just occasionally.

if you do end up in this situation i think you need to do NOTHING for the spouse.
let them cook for themselves, do their own laundry and everything else.
and NO SEX.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

NO NO NO! I keep telling friends that my one piece of advice from all of this horror is that I should have gotten away first thing.

The absolute hardest thing was seeing her every single day and loving every inch of here while she went about her business forgetting I was even alive.

If you're trying it out an there is no OM\OW then maybe it would be different but living under the same roof was the biggest hindrance to me getting better. She's gone now and that hurts too but at least I don't have to see it in my face every single day!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

From both an emotional and a psychological standpoint, it is far better to be living in separate dwellings as well: Hands down!

However, due to some kind of an economic hardship, if one has no other choice other than to dwell in the same dwelling with their STBXSpouse, then they would be absolutely crazy to even entertain the notion of carrying on conjugal relations with that person, much less anybody else even if done outside the home.

In essence, there is little to no good that could be derived from that particular type of living situation given the parameters of one or both spouses making a concerted effort to legally invalidate their relationship with each other.


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## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

I guess we're in this boat too... Separated, sort of... but still in the same house for financial reasons and for our children. 

She does whatever she wants, with whom ever she wants and when ever she wants... She tells me to do the same. The problem is, I just want her!


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Jilted-canadian said:


> I guess we're in this boat too... Separated, sort of... but still in the same house for financial reasons and for our children.
> 
> She does whatever she wants, with whom ever she wants and when ever she wants... She tells me to do the same. The problem is, I just want her!


Exactly what I was saying! Spot on.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

it does suck...we tried it...and sometimes i feel like we're still in one even though stbx moved out...


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

sarah25 said:


> I am currently staying with my stbxh, for financial reason. Would you agree for this kind of arrangement?


NO, NO and ahhhhh NO!!! Definitely no sex. For reasons that a few have already mentioned, being there while they act like you aren't, because the resentment comes out in everyday actions and if you have kids they will feel it and that is no good. elephant in the room when you are alone, good one [email protected]!!


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

definately not, emotinally i could not have done it, i tried so hard to make our marriage work but he had given up years ago, he declared himself homeless when he left so he could be put into local councils bed and breakfast, but it was only for two weeks whilst he worked out his notice for his job as he had already made plans to move 700 miles away to be with O/W.
I could not have dealt with him daily face to face, i struggle now being overly polite all the time and on edge when he visits the kids, although it was hard to start with being alone it would be better that hoping things would work out and getting mixed signals.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I understand what it's like. I'm living it.

Financial reasons, only because I know he will default on the mortgage and drag me into financial ruin to get back at me.

There may come a point where you feel your sanity is more important than being bankrupt. Sometimes though you simply don't have the money to get your own place. The house has to be sold first, etc. There just isn't family, or an extra 3,000 for a deposit and moving expenses.

All you can do is day to day. 
IMO, it's not really truly a separation. But the positive side to this is it does give you some time to "get over it" and get used to the idea. Maybe when the separation finally occurs it won't be so hard to do. 

And if you have no option.. might as well try to make the best of it.


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## sarah25 (Mar 4, 2012)

NO SEX for us. I am gooing through the confusion every day and like some of you i am wondering if being broke is better than this situation. 

As far as he is concerned, he is single, he gets to live in a clean house, eats what i cook , gets to see our son at all times, he is free to stay as long as he likes.

this is not working for me at all, just dont know how to get out of it. Frankly its torture!!!!!


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## sarah25 (Mar 4, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I am in the same situation.. It sucks.
> 
> Emotionally its confusing for me the longer we are together. I am stuck in some kind of limbo. Until my daughter & I have moved out there are no consequences for his actions. He is being really ****y and arrogant about what he has done.
> 
> ...


Do you feel people are less sympathetic when you explain to them your situation. I am asking you this because my friends think i have taken him back and thay cant belive i am still separated.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

sarah25 said:


> NO SEX for us. I am gooing through the confusion every day and like some of you i am wondering if being broke is better than this situation.
> 
> As far as he is concerned, he is single, he gets to live in a clean house, eats what i cook , gets to see our son at all times, he is free to stay as long as he likes.
> 
> this is not working for me at all, just dont know how to get out of it. Frankly its torture!!!!!


definitely a tough situation to be in. It's easier to separate your mind and emotions when you truly are in a different place. it does make for clearer thinking. It makes it easier to focus on you personal well being too. And it does definitely suck being apart from the rest of the family.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

quit taking care of the [email protected] up spouses if you decide on an in house fake separation.

let them see what it is to be separated.

do nothing for them, even if that means 2 separate meals being cooked for dinner or what ever.

i decided to leave 2 years ago and divorce is finally over.
im broke as hell now but feel so much better after doing it.


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## sarah25 (Mar 4, 2012)

What is sad is , he is doing what ever he needs to do to improve his life and to be happy with out us, and seems not to be affected at all

While i am spending hours and hours ,googling for solutions, when i have assignments to do and a job to search for, which in a way would make me stronger but i am still wasting way too much energy in a relationship that no longer exist.


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## sarah25 (Mar 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> quit taking care of the [email protected] up spouses if you decide on an in house fake separation.
> 
> let them see what it is to be separated.
> 
> ...


What is FAKE about it??
Belive me it is as real as it gets only harder!!!!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sarah, if it helps you feel more balanced, why not approach HIM with a similar attitude?

Define a roommate.
Would you be cooking and cleaning for a boarder you had in your house? For convenience, you might cook meals together, if you agreed to it. 
You would be splitting the bills, you would be sharing custody of the children, lots of things Im sure that you can think of that would change if you were really living apart.


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## AloneInMontana (Mar 11, 2012)

I have been going through this myself since December due to financial reasons. I am in the process of trying to move back home to where my family is. STBXH has been using the spare room when he is here and not at the OW house (her husband moved out of their house already).
Even though I never see him, it is hard staying under the same roof. I don't cook or clean for him and we each pay our own bills...we are pretty much like roommates now


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

It sucks. Hopefully this damn house sells soon.


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

no I think that it's hard to have closure and move on if you are still living in the same house and living like a married couple (cleaning up after each other, cooking for each other, having sex etc,)


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> quit taking care of the [email protected] up spouses if you decide on an in house fake separation.
> 
> let them see what it is to be separated.
> 
> ...


I didn't do it this way but this is ABSOLUTELY how it should be done IMO.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wisteria (Mar 11, 2012)

Been here, done that. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get by. I'd want to make a plan to get out of that situation as soon as I could, though. I think it is confusing for children and it greatly prolongs the healing process. Also, your spouse gets all the benefits of being married and single, to include child care, hot meals, clean laundry, while being unaccountable and able to date. You become more their mother than a partner.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

wisteria said:


> You become more their mother than a partner.


exactly


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## sarah25 (Mar 4, 2012)

well i was doing great for the last couple of days regards to not asking him about things that he does that annoy me but today i annoyed my self coz i asked him about the ring he wore next to his wedding ring, its similar to a wedding ring, so like he has 2 rings next to each other and seems like he doesnt want to come across as married.

Why why did i ask, given the circumstance he can even take off his wedding ring.....why did i feel like i have the right to say anything...........f***


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up! STBXH and I did the in-house thing. I worked full-time, drove our son back & forth to school, telecommuted part of the day, did the majority of the cleaning & cooking...and he taught one freshman class and went out with friends. 

He was trying to start a little business, so in the beginning he slept a couple of nights a week in his studio/office. We were going to have a 'couple' night on Saturdays. AFter a few weeks, of that, I went into the bathroom after he left to go back to his place & saw that, again, he left all of his dirty clothes & towels on the floor, AND brought over the dirty laundry from the studio. We'd had sex the night before as part of 'couple' night. I felt like a hotel maid that also f*cks the guests. From that point on, I didn't do his laundry anymore, just mine and my son's. 

It was emotionally very confusing. After one too many times being jerked around, *I* decided to move out. Even when he wasn't home, I could do nothing but think about us. When I moved out, I was able to work on me. I never thought I would want to move away from the home I'd put so much of myself into. But in the end, it's just a building. It was being in it with him that either made it good (in the beginning) or bad (at the end). If he is not working on it, then everyone else here is right -- do nothing for him. No cooking, laundry, anything. And NO SEX. That was the biggest bummer for me. We still enjoyed sex together. But there came a point when he just stopped cold. And we were still living together. That was pure. unholy. hell. 

Get out as soon as you can. Are you a student? Is there any kind of student housing you and your child can move into that wouldn't cost very much?


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

We are still in the same house. It's only been a little over 2 weeks, but in my opinion, at the point where he told me he wanted to "be alone", he should have had somewhere to go then. This is pure hell. We don't communicate because he can't look me in the face. When he comes home he goes straight upstairs to the spare room. He doesn't come in the kitchen area at all if I am home. I know financially, we really can't afford an apartment for him, but he's going to have to get a second job or something. That's his problem. 
I just wish he would leave already. I need to start healing. The kids feel the tension and I hate that they see me upset all the time. It's just awful.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm sorry that you're going through this, Jenny123. Is there someone who has a couch he can crash on, or share rent with a roommate (so that it won't cost as much as his own place)?


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I'm sorry that you're going through this, Jenny123. Is there someone who has a couch he can crash on, or share rent with a roommate (so that it won't cost as much as his own place)?


He really has no friends here. I think the only option would be for him to rent a room somewhere. Instead of saving for a place, he goes out and buys a big flatscreen tv and hangs in on the wall in the spare bedroom! Don't know what he's thinking, but he needs to get out....the piece of ***t!


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## fraid4kat (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm in the same situaion and its rotten for all the above posted reasons. There will never be any sex again with him, nor any romantic feelings. I do not clean his room nor do his laundry. I cook, but we don't eat together nor do I try to be around him when he is in the same room. We only communicate about the kids. I'm upstairs rooming with my kids and he has the master room downstairs ( but thats what I wanted). This is only for financial reasons until the debt is paid off( that I was unaware of), but so far he has stonewalled on putting the house up for sale, or basically anything that has to do with a divorce. I can't even talk to him about anything divorce related because he then starts in with the " your detroying the family and have killed every inch of me diatribe". I think he either thinks that given enough time I will reconsider, or that I will end up cheating on him so that he can then not pay spousal support. My friends and family are very angry with me for not filing already but I guess that I'm scared to death of his threats about bankruptcy. and since I have been a stay at home for the past 26 years, with him taking care of EVERYTHING, I'm having to take baby steps to try to stand up on my own two feet. guess I just wanted enough of the debt to be paid off so that it would be easier on all of us in the long run....but if I had the wherewithall to leave and take the kids with me I would do it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hang in there, fraid4kat! You're very brave, taking all these steps for yourself and your kids. I'm sorry he's being such a jerk! ((HUGS))


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

the thing that sucked for me was that he's got a few friends round here who he could stay with, but he didnt want to because he didn't 'want to impose'

what a tosser, didn't mind imposing on me though did he? at least he's doing his own washing, cooking his own meals, etc. It will all be over by tomorrow - what bliss!

he did move into a hotel for a week or so and then spent the week complaining about having to have breakfast in a box


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

So how are you going to celebrate, Dolly?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

a) watching True Blood in peace and finally taking control of the remote
b) packing all his damn war DVDs into a bag for him to take tomorrow
c) NOT SMOKING IN THE BEDROOM - god that really got on my nerves
d) starfishing in the bed

that doesn't sound too exciting does it, guess I need to learn how to party again heh heh

mind you i've had a weekend long hangover from Friday night


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> d) starfishing in the bed


That's hilarious! :lol:


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## abetterme (Mar 8, 2012)

My H is still in the house that he loves, seperate bedrooms. He still has not filed the papers. Since end of January he says he has been watching my behavoir mind you he is the one with an EA. But he won't leave and when I do what will happen to him? He had a breakdown and called my mom when he couldn't talk to me. Odd that when I take control of my own life and won't communicate with him he is upset but he's the one who wants the divorce.


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