# email comunacation good or bad?



## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Here is what she sent me today and my response good or bad. 

The wife:

I am very upset with you on how you treated me on Saturday. Your drinking is getting out of control. Sometimes I think you do what you do on purpose because you really are trying to push me away. I am tired repeating myself. I am becoming afraid of you and that’s not good. you say you want to better yourself , well I’m not so sure of that. I don’t think you really know what you want. Please figure it out and let me know because these ups and downs are driving me crazy. You need professional help whether you want to admit it or not.

Me: 
Saturday Saturday,
Let's see, I did some laundry that I started the night before, went shopping, got together all the stuff for last minute trip to the lake, cooked for 10 people, helped and supervised the contractor, what else?
All you had to say was honey thank you, if you do not drink too much, I have a big surprise for you tonight I'm going to rock your world because I love you so much!

The Wife:
It figures that would be your response

Note: My weekly alcohol consumption has dropped in half, 3 or 4 days a week I am now working out. As for being afraid, not sure I have never laid a hand on her. However about 5 weeks ago I punched a hole my bedroom wall in frustration! She was not in the room at the time!
Also when she says I need professional help she is not referring to alcohol but rather my insistence that our sex life or lack there of has to change. The 2 time a week duty F---$ is no longer getting it.

Her last response tells me she knows exactly how to meet me half way, but just refuses to do so. All I want/ need is sex and intimacy with my wife and I would be a very happy man.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Do you two live together?
If so, why this chickensh*t method of communication? For anyone, resolving a conflict with email or text is cowardly when it is possible to speak face to face or at least via telephone.
For a married couple in the same house to email concerns to one another shows that you already have huge problems.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Sorry if I'm being harsh, but that really floored me.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Yes we live together, so you agree that it is bad and that i should not have responded to her via email and just waited until i got home?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

frustated said:


> Yes we live together, so you agree that it is bad and that i should not have responded to her via email and just waited until i got home?


Yes. But it's not just you, it's her too. Unfortunately, she's not here, so you get picked on.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think email is necessarily a bad way of communicating given this type of situation. At least you don't have raised voices and animated movements adding to the already heightened sense of anxiety.

I think you, however, have some issues. You don't have to physically touch someone to make them fear you and your hitting a wall indicates your anger is out of control. I know many women who would fear a man who got so angry that he started putting holes in walls or throw things around. That is not cool. She's hesitant to have sex with you because your behavior is not attractive to her. She can't get in the mood.

Her last response "It figures that would be your response" says nothing about her willingness to meet you half way, and everything about how you are trivializing and disrespecting her concerns. She is being upfront and "adult" with you regarding her feelings about your drinking and her growing fear of you in terms of your relationship and you responded like a child. She sounds very frustrated.

You can't have sex and intimacy with your wife the way you want it until you are willing to respect both her and the concerns she has about you. Be the man she wants you to be and she'll be the woman you want her to be.

As far as your alcohol consumption dropping in half, it obviously is still too much for her comfort level. It also tells us nothing about whether you have a drinking problem or not. The question is, half of what?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

BigToe said:


> *You can't have sex and intimacy with your wife the way you want it until you are willing to respect both her and the concerns she has about you. Be the man she wants you to be and she'll be the woman you want her to be.*
> As far as your alcohol consumption dropping in half, it obviously is still too much for her comfort level. It also tells us nothing about whether you have a drinking problem or not. The question is, half of what?


I agree with everything except this statement. Why must HE bend to her image of what he "should" be like? How do we know she is not the one with unrealistic expectations?

Once a man has hit his boiling point in a relationship that is sexless he's probably tried everything to correct the situation at this point.

I don't know...I just get the impression he could be the most calm and rational man in the world, never punch a wall, never have a drink and he'd still be in the same boat.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The wife.

What does that mean? You seem very disrespectful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I agree with everything except this statement. Why must HE bend to her image of what he "should" be like? How do we know she is not the one with unrealistic expectations?
> 
> Once a man has hit his boiling point in a relationship that is sexless he's probably tried everything to correct the situation at this point.
> 
> I don't know...I just get the impression he could be the most calm and rational man in the world, never punch a wall, never have a drink and he'd still be in the same boat.


I am going to assume that BigToe just worded his response the way he did because he is addressing frustated. Mrs. frustated is not the one on the board asking for help.

I think the point is to realize that in any marriage it actually requires both people to "bend", but it typically takes one of them to decide to be the first one to bend - and that someone is often the one that sees the issue as a problem that needs to be addressed. They can only change their own actions, after all, and hope for a positive reaction from their spouse.

I normally think that the sexual relationship is often the canary in the coal mine. When it slips, it is often one of the first indicators that there are unresolved relationship issues. But it often slips because of unresolved needs on both sides.

In frustated's case, his wife has expressed concern about his drinking, his violent outburst, his pressured badgering of her for sex. Those are concerns she has expressed that he has not respected or addressed completely. He has expressed a need for sex and intimacy. She hasn't been able to address that because she finds his current state to be totally unattractive to her. Therefore, he'll need to work himself into better emotional shape, and in turn she may be able to work herself in to better shape and find him more attractive and be willing to meet his needs. That is, if she is willing. If she's dangling at the end of her rope, she might decide she's not too far from the ground to just jump off.

I believe that once a man has hit boiling point of sexlessness in his relationship, his wife has likely hit rock bottom of emotionless many years before. Just generalizing here, but it does seem that women's emotional needs for being desired and highly prized and seduced and chased after never go away, and they often don't get met very well in many cases after marriage. That may be one reason women just kind of float along in their marriages, or why some of them release a tether and begin an affair with another man. If you look at the brain chemicals involved, women can become addicted to the rush or high they get from 'being in love'. That rush can happen in marriage too, but it takes some amount of effort over a long-term marriage that many spouses are not willing to put in.

Just my .02.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I agree with everything except this statement. Why must HE bend to her image of what he "should" be like? How do we know she is not the one with unrealistic expectations?
> 
> Once a man has hit his boiling point in a relationship that is sexless he's probably tried everything to correct the situation at this point.
> 
> I don't know...I just get the impression he could be the most calm and rational man in the world, never punch a wall, never have a drink and he'd still be in the same boat.


Interesting statement" boiling point" is that where I am at? 22 years and yes i have tried everything. 6 years ago when I messed up and cheated she was still sleeping with my youngest who was then 9. last night she told me she knows I have a plan and that I should just tell her I want to be single. A week ago I sent her a picture of a sexy nighty that I thought where. She is freaking out. Instead of drinking a 36 pack of beer a week I am working out 3 nights a week and not drinking on those days and a lot less on the others. I am not begging for sex I ask once and then self pleasure and tell her If this is how i have sex with you then so be it, at least I'm thinking about you while looking at your back.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

frustated said:


> Yes we live together, so you agree that it is bad and that i should not have responded to her via email and just waited until i got home?


We use email to be clear when the verbal is unclear. She is being clear. You have a drinking problem. We alcoholics don't like to admit that. It is called denial. We all do it at some point. But if drinking causes problems, and it is clear it does here, then you have a problem.

If you gave me an ultimatum I will only not drink if you have sex with me, I woudl not want to have sex with you either.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

First of all, email is not a bad way to communicate. I have worked out many issues with my husband via email because we have small children and do not want to argue in front of them. Plus email gives us time to say what we feel without saying something that may hurt the other like you would do during an argument. I am not saying that a face to face argument isn't good sometimes, but don't knock the email conversation because it does work for some.

Ok, now to the issue. I understand you were upset that you did so much to help out on Saturday and therefore needed to lash out after she sent you that email. What I don't understand is why you didn't take the time to write to ask her what she was referring to when she said you treated her bad. Did you get wasted and say or do something to upset her? Did you promise to quit drinking instead of just cutting down?

Why don't you take advantage of the message she sent you to find out what the real problem is instead of just lashing out at her? I am not saying to kiss her butt and give in, but use this opportunity to both respectfully give your side and get hers. If you respond in a calm mature tone, then she will as well.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> We use email to be clear when the verbal is unclear. She is being clear. You have a drinking problem. We alcoholics don't like to admit that. It is called denial. We all do it at some point. But if drinking causes problems, and it is clear it does here, then you have a problem.
> 
> If you gave me an ultimatum I will only not drink if you have sex with me, I woudl not want to have sex with you either.


She told me a while back that when I drink she does not find me desirable but on the days that I am total Beta and do not drink i am still pushed away?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So, it sounds like along with the drinking your wife could also be harboring some negative feelings left over from you having an affair. What did you guys do to address your marital problems after the affair - did you go to counseling together?

It can take some people a very long time to get over something like that. For me it is a deal-breaker because I know I would just be too hurt and pissed off to want to continue on.

I think if you want to make an effort to save your marriage, she needs to be on board as much as you. And you need to show your commitment by cutting out the booze (after all it looks like she comes in second place behind that) and go to marriage counseling together.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> She told me a while back that when I drink she does not find me desirable but on the days that I am total Beta and do not drink i am still pushed away?


Her attraction to you (or lack thereof) is something that has built up, or been knocked down, slowly brick by brick, drink by drink. Her attraction isn't something that turns on a dime, just because one day you decide you won't drink as much, but the next day you drink more. She needs to be able to see consistent, forward progress from you - not the back and forth ping pong effort. Her trust and attraction has to be re-built, brick by brick by brick by brick ....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ouch.

Your wife gives you a clear idea of what she needs from you in her marriage: Security. Her email to you is the combination to the lock on her pants. You took that combination and threw it in the garbage, without reading it.

You make two very critical mistakes. 

#1, you are trying to use your definition of how much drinking is appropriate. What she needs in her marriage from you is personal to her, and not open for subjective debate with you.

#2, you think that you "deserve" sex from your wife as a trade for not drinking. To say "All you had to say was honey thank you, if you do not drink too much, I have a big surprise for you tonight I'm going to rock your world because I love you so much!" is about the worst think I can think of saying. This is wrong on so many levels. How can you expect your wife to get horny for you when you are doing her the "favor" of not drinking simply because you think that if you do that, she will give you sex. That is not what makes a woman horny.

She will desire you when you become a certain type of man. She will not manufacture desire on days you do or don't drink.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

frustated said:


> She told me a while back that when I drink she does not find me desirable but on the days that I am total Beta and do not drink i am still pushed away?


Sex is not a day to day thing. Drinking and not drinking are also not a day to day thing. It is a whole Big Picture.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Her attraction to you (or lack thereof) is something that has built up, or been knocked down, slowly brick by brick, drink by drink. Her attraction isn't something that turns on a dime, just because one day you decide you won't drink as much, but the next day you drink more. She needs to be able to see consistent, forward progress from you - not the back and forth ping pong effort. Her trust and attraction has to be re-built, brick by brick by brick by brick ....


AND simultaneously or maybe asynchronously, I am not sure, she may need you to unBeta.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

I am an alcoholic.
But,
The excessive beer drinking came way after the intimacy and sex issues. See my original post labeled New. When we met I was a drug user, dealer and retiring gang member a total "Bad Boy" Now I run a sucessful business and financially have taken great care of my family including putting my kids through private school and private college. I'm just tired of living the dream with a wife who does not meet my needs.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Wow, that's some "CV" here 

You have indeed done A LOT of change since you've been together, that's for sure. Still, if you put in all this effort, she already made it clear what needs tweaking. while all the beer you drink in a week doesn't seem much to you, for me, having a guy who's drinking even 2 beers/night is horrible. We drink 2-3 beers/month each of us and this is only in rare occasions. i myself find alcohol to be bad and wouldn't even accept living with someone who needs his "dose", even if it's 1 beer/day. I do come from a family where a member was an alcoholic and I might even get pass many things, but not this.

You do need to have a normal chat and just put everything into perspective. And none should become defensive, in the end you're both struggling for a common goal.

The fact you are taking on a lot of things in the house and seem so involved, DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM (at least in her opinion). Alcohol trumps everything.

You do seem to care a lot and have changed so many things, why not see what else can be done?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I agree with everything except this statement. Why must HE bend to her image of what he "should" be like? How do we know she is not the one with unrealistic expectations?


We know that she is not the one with unrealistic expectations based upon what he wrote. He's an alcoholic with potential violent tendencies at least to the extent of punching inanimate objects such as walls. Most women would not find that combination attractive in a man, and most people would not fault her for not feeling sexual given this environment. That is why he should bend first. She is not being unreasonable.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

frustated said:


> I am an alcoholic.


So am I, frustrated. I don't think anyone here is trying to say BAD BAD frustrated. You are an awful person. Stop being awful. For myself, I understand how hard this problem is.



> But,




You know what that is, right? The remnants of denial?



> The excessive beer drinking came way after the intimacy and sex issues. See my original post labeled New. When we met I was a drug user, dealer and retiring gang member a total "Bad Boy" Now I run a sucessful business and financially have taken great care of my family including putting my kids through private school and private college. I'm just tired of living the dream with a wife who does not meet my needs.


Well regardless of when it began, it is a problem NOW. Anyway you have come so far! That is a lot to be proud of, getting rid of the drugs. Maybe that reminder can be a source of strength for you to get rid of the beer. For YOU.

Also, you may want to give a think to whether or not you have Nice Guyed. Is there a way to recapture the Bad Boy without actually doing bad boy things?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to recapture passion with your wife.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

dojo said:


> Wow, that's some "CV" here
> 
> You have indeed done A LOT of change since you've been together, that's for sure. Still, if you put in all this effort, she already made it clear what needs tweaking. while all the beer you drink in a week doesn't seem much to you, for me, having a guy who's drinking even 2 beers/night is horrible. We drink 2-3 beers/month each of us and this is only in rare occasions. i myself find alcohol to be bad and wouldn't even accept living with someone who needs his "dose", even if it's 1 beer/day. I do come from a family where a member was an alcoholic and I might even get pass many things, but not this.
> 
> ...


That was unnecessarily harsh. If she had the same issues with substances that you do, she would not have married him.


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