# Dont want to divorce but...



## [email protected] (May 28, 2010)

Hello, this is my first time here so this post will be a long one. Sorry. 
I am 27 yo, my H and I have only been married less then 1 year but have been together for 5. he has a 6yo from an old girlfriend which he (we) see every weekend. 
I feel like there are so many issues that have always been there but everything blew up about two months ago over passover. 
(I am Jewish, grew up in Israel, served in the military. He was raised catholic but is not religious). He had never been a wiling participant in my family functions, my family and I are very close, they did not approve of me dating him, of his upbringing and having a child, and did not approve of me marrying him at first, but said as long as he makes me happy they will be supportive.
Before we married he made me promise him that I would put him first and support him to my family, which i did. 
Well, when passover came around I wanted him to go to my parent with me, our relationship with them had stabilized since the wedding and my holidays mean a lot to me. we were going to be moving to a new apartment that same weekend and he refused to go to the holiday, I said to him that my parents do want him there, and care about him and that It would mean a lot to me, and he said that if my parent really care about him they would apologize about the things they said about him. 
I tried standing for him, telling my parent that he is still very hurt and wants an apology, they were very taken aback, said things were said on both sides and that we can talk about it, we suggested family counciling, and were going to sit with them, when my H and I turned on each other. He said I never stand up for him, and never support him. was yelling and calling me names (very common in our house) and my mother even over heard him call me stupid. He said he wanted me to not have contact with my family, and stand up for him. I refused to stop talking to my parent. he said he wanted divorce. 
I offered to give him space and stay at my sisters, and when she came to get me she heard him screaming at me calling me stupid, and started screaming at him to protect me. 
I left and went to stay with my sister, where I have been living for the last two months. 
I have tried everything to try and repair our marriage, Have apologized and taken responisbilty for not standing up for him. I understand needing us to be top priority. We have gone to therapy for 8 sessions, I have tried to explain to him that the way he treats me is wrong, and that I understand that he is hurt and that he needs me to support him, but that he needs to work on his anger.
after sitting in therapy for so long getting nowhere (he was very rude and disrespectful to the therapist, and said a few times that he was only going to prove me wrong, and that I just make him to be the bad guy) I found us a new male therapist. 
But last sunday I said enough (for the first time) and said I was going to file for divorce. he was crying saying he was sorry (for the first time) said he understand the position he put me in (for the first time) and that he wants to still work on it if I am willing to prove to him that I can put us first. 
...
I am so confused. 
dont know if I should run away or stay and fight. 

this was just the story in a nutshell, sorry for the long post, but there is so much more that I am leaving out. 

He has always been a loving supportive husband, despite his temper and anger, he never hit me, but does yell and scream, call me names, and shakes when he gets frustrated because I tend to shut down when he yells at me and dont respond.

I feel like I deserve better.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I really think you should stick it out. it would be easier in the short run to quit and start over, but in the long run you will run into the same problems no matter who you are with. there will always be heated problems and the blame is never one-sided. 

There's a great book you can do called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. And i also think Dr. Phil has a boundaries with family book and workbook. you might want to check those out.


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## [email protected] (May 28, 2010)

Thank you for book suggestions, I am always open to those! I will check them both out. I do think there are boundary issues with my family. Jewish families do tend to be very close and meddling. 
I do understand his wanting to put us first and me supporting him. I just dont know what expense this will take on my relationship with my family. I think that our values may be very different. he did not have a close relationship with his family until I came along, and only spent two hours a week with his son the first 2 years of the little ones life, until I helped him push for more time. SO I do understand the different values and how overwhelming and threatening it may be for someone that comes from a distant family setting. I am considering applying to be the next Dr. Phil family


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

[email protected] said:


> I just dont know what expense this will take on my relationship with my family. I think that our values may be very different.


You mean you and your husbands family values may be different? Or you and your family values? 

the change in dynamics with extended family is scary. its really difficult. my H and I fought about his mom and brother for a couple of years. I eventually got him to alienate them and now i feel kind of guilty. actually, i feel really guilty. his only brother wont talk to him and his mom rarely calls anymore. even though he had a dysfunctional relationship with them, and they've said some horrible things about me, i think maybe dysfunctional is better then nothing. I try to stay out of his family life now. Even if they say horrible things about me i dont care anymore. But that might be because i know my H sticks up for me now. 

My family dynamic has changed a lot too. I've had to set boundaries with my mom. she tried to threaten my H once. I told her if she ever did that again she'd never see me again. and i meant it. she's never done it again. Ive worked hard to win her over, though. i know what she likes and so i will try to encourage those things. she loves to cook for people so i always tell her how much my H loves her cooking. I do a lot of other things to win her over. He is now her favorite SIL. I also had a sister that spoke poorly of my H on many occasions. I dont talk to her anymore. 

Dealing with family is very difficult and i hope things go smoothly with your family. but that is rarely the case. it will most likely get turbulent but i am sure everything will work out in the end. hopefully those books will give you some good tools to work with. my H and I went at it blindly which caused a lot of problems.


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