# In love with another man..don't think my husband has ever loved me.



## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

This is my first post here. I am really look for advice as I don't know what to think or do anymore.

I have been with my husband for 18 years and married almost 8 years. We have two children age 4 and 6. If I am honest my husband has never been interested in sex. We get on great and are really good friends and very rarely argue. Everything is good apart from the sex. I married him knowing the sex wasn't great but felt that it would improve..I know hindsight is a wonderful thing. 4 years ago I reached a point where I felt that I couldn't continue. My husband isn't a very affectionate person, never tells me he loves me and we very rarely have sex. We have gone years without sex in our 20s before children. I suppose I just got used to it and this has become the norm for me.

I told him 4 years ago things had to change otherwise I didn't see our marriage lasting. I feel as if I have given him the best years of my life and look back and could cry. I look at other people and after reading many posts on here realise how abnormal our relationship is. I crave for a mans touch, to feel loved and wanted. I am so lonely and unhappy in my marriage. If I didn't have the children I know I would have left him. Things did improve for a while, I would get pity sex once every 4 weeks. 

A few months back I met a man in a similar position to myself and I have fallen completely in love with him. I don't think I have ever loved husband and just settled as I had been with him for so long. I know what I am doing is wrong but can't stop. I don't want to leave my husband because of the children. I don't see myself staying with him in the future. We don't do anything together, he does his thing, I do mine. On my birthday we had a rare night out and were home by 9.45pm. I sat downstairs and watched tv on my own while he sat upstairs. I went to bed alone. We woke up the next day alone and no sex. 

I am not trying to justify my actions, I know it is wrong but am too scared to end the marriage because of the effect it will have on the children. My husband is a wonderful father and I feel that I married him knowing what he is like it is my fault and I should stay with him for the sake of the children.

I am sorry this is so long and am really looking for some advice, thank you


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It's pretty simple actually. Divorce your husband and stop seeing this OM until you do so. Don't use the children as an excuse.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you think your husband has been unfaithful?
Agree with SomedayDig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Well, don't stay for the sake of the children, the will come to hate you if you are cheating on their dad.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

My response was a bit short changed regarding your children, so I'm gonna add just a little bit more.

See, you can't stay for the children for a few reasons. First, children NEED to see parents who love each other and show affection. It's how we learn to love. Second, as soon as your husband finds out about your OM he's going to leave you anyway and it's going to be pretty rough. So rough that you might not even have full custody of your children. How bad do you think that's gonna be?

Lastly, I give you a small bit of my story which has been told here on TAM.

My step father was a son of a b-tch. A real bad guy. I was abused pretty badly until I was 18 and walked out with a baseball bat in my hands and almost killed him. A couple years later when my mother finally left him, I took her back to where we grew up to live with her mother, my grandmother. On the 600 mile drive we talked a lot. I finally got the courage up to ask her why she stayed with him for so long considering what an ass hole he was. Her answer?

"I stayed for you so you wouldn't have to go through another divorce."

In other words - "IT'S YOUR FAULT" is what my brain heard. It took years to get over that and a lot of therapy.

Don't pretend to be a martyr for your children cuz you're just gonna f-ck them up.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> I married him knowing the sex wasn't great but felt that it would improve..I know hindsight is a wonderful thing.





Bubbles74 said:


> A few months back I met a man in a similar position to myself and I have fallen completely in love with him. I don't think I have ever loved husband and just settled as I had been with him for so long.





Bubbles74 said:


> I am not trying to justify my actions


You are trying to justify your actions. It's all right there.

Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your husband.

Realize your feelings for other man are infatuation, not love. This guy has not been there for you for the past 18 years. If you follow through with cheating on your H to get sex on the side, or leave him for this man, odds are extremely high you will regret it. 

Do yourself and hubby a favor. Locate a good sex therapist. Go interview them if you have to. Once you find one, set an appointment and tell your husband he either attends therapy with you, or you are filing for divorce. It's understandable that you don't want to be in a sexless marriage. But if what you say is true, and in all other ways you guys 'get on great'. Then sex is very fixable. It takes communication and understanding from both parties, but it's very fixable. 

If he isn't willing, then I'd say lack of sex is reasonable grounds for divorce. It's not reasonable grounds for an affair. 

Drop other man now. Tell him never to contact you, the feelings you have for him are poison to your marriage. Even if you are pretty sure you are headed for divorce, drop him. After the initial withdrawal and missing him, you will think more clearly and at least won't regret your choices.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> My response was a bit short changed regarding your children, so I'm gonna add just a little bit more.
> 
> See, you can't stay for the children for a few reasons. First, children NEED to see parents who love each other and show affection. It's how we learn to love. Second, as soon as your husband finds out about your OM he's going to leave you anyway and it's going to be pretty rough. So rough that you might not even have full custody of your children. How bad do you think that's gonna be?
> 
> ...


I got a similar flavor of this justification from my mother after she finally split from my abusive A-hole step-dad. Thanks mom! A decade of constant verbal abuse punctuated by the occasional beating was just what I needed to become a healthy, well-adjusted man. 

Don't be a martyr. You won't be doing your kids any favors. also, don't blame your reluctance to divorce on the kids. They won't appreciate it.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Thank you all very much for your comments. I have never told anybody about our situation. I think people look at us and think we have the perfect marriage. It is good to get peoples opinion on this good and bad.

I will try and answer everybodys questions.

Acoa- yes, you are right I am trying to justify my actions but would like to think that most people would not have put with my situation as long as I have. I am pretty certain this isn't infatuation and I am in love . The thing is I am almost past caring, I don't feel as if my husband cares about me, he doesn't act as if he does. He really isn't interested in me, put up with this for years not months and have tried to make things better but I don''t think I am going to change my husband, I honestly believe he is asexual, I don't think it is fixable, I don't think my husband would be bothered if he never had sex again. I mentioned marriage counselling to him before but he doesn't think we have a problem. He thinks what we have is reality..sex a few times a year???


Somedaydig- thank you for your reply and sharing your story. My husband and I don't argue and everything is fine day to day nobody has any clue that I am not happy. I know what you are saying is right but at what stage do I leave? When they are a bit older so they understand, I worry that by leaving I am going to screw them up for life.

Longwalk- no my husband isn't cheating..he has zero interest in sex would rather sit and do a crossword! I have asked him if he was gay and he has told me no, have no reason to believe he is. Doesn't go out much and no evidence of porn etc.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Bubbles my wife recently cheated on me and when she told me why it was like she and I have totally different memories of our marriage. I think you re wrote the history of your marriage to justify your cheating. Please let your husband go and let him find a woman who honors her vows. You get no sympathy from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

I understand having children to raise, but being trapped in a sexless marriage and then seekING comfort elsewhere isn't a healthy situation for two young children to grow up in.

Are you willing to divorce or are you going to stop the affair and stay with your husband? Is there anyway you can seek counseling for yourself and possibly your spouse? I'm asking because I'm a wife who has cheated on her husband for almost the same reason.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

If I was her husband I would hand the boyfriend's azz to him. 

Fvcking cheaters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Have you ever looked into your husbands life? I mean there is low drive and their is suspicious low drive. If I were you I would figure out what your H is doing with his separate life that fulfills his sexual needs and makes you a secondary pity partner. I mean it couldn't hurt to look into things the worst thing that could be is that your H is cheating and now you know it isn't your fault your H can't get it up. Your marriage is the perfect maelstrom for an A on both of your parts. I would look through the phone records, his email, and his computer to see if he is hiding something. I would recommend doing this for yourself so that you can finally put the marriage to bed. Either he is cheating and is a worthless piece of garbage or Your husband is faithful but totally unable to fulfill your emotional and physical needs. both IMHO are reasonable grounds for D so long as you A) break it off with the OM until your marriage is over. That means no contact. IF the OM really loves you he will respect your wishes and back off. If he just wants to get laid he will continue to badger you.
B) Go to an IC and MC to determine if you H is willing to change and that you would truly be better off with another man.
c)Make sure your children understand their situation and that none of your issues gets put on the kids. They are not the reason you two can't work things out. They need to know that the issues between you and your H are not their fault. That the issues were there before you got married and that your H was not willing to do what was necessary to keep you and your H together. The words we stayed together for you is not a reasonable answer you stayed because you were afraid you wouldn't find someone else.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If your kids are only 4 and 6 leave now when they probably won't have many memories of you two together anyway. I'll never understand why people think two parents staying in an unfulfilling relationship and existing in the same space is in the best interest of the kids by default.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> When they are a bit older so they understand, I worry that by leaving I am going to screw them up for life.


It doesn't matter if they "understand" because quite simply they never WILL understand because neither of you will ever tell them WHY. They will find out after they graduate high school and then you're gonna have to explain sh-t to them and they probably won't like you very much for a while.

I'm not telling you to divorce because it's the right thing, either. I'm telling you divorce because you're obviously f'ng miserable and cheating because of it. THAT is not fair to your husband OR you, let alone your children.

And trust me, even without arguing, the two of you not showing affection to each other is an impression that they see and feel. We learn all that sh-t when we're children.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Badbane why are you turning this back on the husband? If he's low drive there are alot of medical reasons why he could be. Why do you jump to the conclusion that he is a cheater like his so-called wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Acoa- yes, you are right I am trying to justify my actions but would like to think that most people would not have put with my situation as long as I have. I am pretty certain this isn't infatuation and I am in love . The thing is I am almost past caring, I don't feel as if my husband cares about me, he doesn't act as if he does. He really isn't interested in me, put up with this for years not months and have tried to make things better but I don''t think I am going to change my husband, I honestly believe he is asexual, I don't think it is fixable, I don't think my husband would be bothered if he never had sex again. I mentioned marriage counselling to him before but he doesn't think we have a problem. He thinks what we have is reality..sex a few times a year???


I've always believed love is an action. That feeling of connection and desire is infatuation. That feeling comes and goes depending on mood, health and life's circumstances. You can feed that feeling of infatuation, and it's healthy to feed that in your marriage. Different people express lover different ways too. Search "love languages", there is some good stuff on the net about it. It's possible that your husband cares a lot for you, but just doesn't show it in a way that you feel it. 

I also totally understand why you are not feeling it in your marriage. If physical touch is part of your love language, that need must be filled for you to feel satisfied in your marriage. Have you been fair by communicating clearly to your husband how important more frequent sex is to you? How important it is that you feel like he desires you? Have you told him clearly that the two of you either need to fix this or get divorced?

If you have been painfully clear with him. File for divorce now. Put your other man on hold and come back to it after you and your husband are separated. 

If you have not been painfully clear, then I urge you to cut this other man out of your life. Your feelings for him will cause confusion and you won't make good choices regarding trying to save your marriage (if it's even possible to save). 

Making a good faith effort to save your marriage doesn't guarantee it will succeed. But if you keep the other man around, you make your marriage plan B and are unlikely to be fully committed to trying.


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## GreenThumb (Jul 5, 2013)

Bubbles74 said:


> This is my first post here. I am really look for advice as I don't know what to think or do anymore.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 18 years and married almost 8 years. We have two children age 4 and 6. If I am honest my husband has never been interested in sex. We get on great and are really good friends and very rarely argue. Everything is good apart from the sex. I married him knowing the sex wasn't great but felt that it would improve..I know hindsight is a wonderful thing. 4 years ago I reached a point where I felt that I couldn't continue. My husband isn't a very affectionate person, never tells me he loves me and we very rarely have sex. We have gone years without sex in our 20s before children. I suppose I just got used to it and this has become the norm for me.
> 
> ...


Bubbles, 

I agree with all of the other posters here who have advised to D
husband if both you and he cannot seek counseling to rectify the mismatched sex drives. It's simply tragic that you are using your children as an excuse to "play house" with your husband and fulfill your sexual needs with the OM. Your children will see and recognize your marriage as unhealthy. 

Similar to other posters' childhood stories, my mother stayed with my biological, alcoholic, abusive father because she wanted to keep the family intact and couldn't financially support us as she was a SAHM. The first words out of my 17-year-old mouth when she told me that she was finally divorcing him were, "It's about time. What took you so long?" 
While your situation isn't abusive, the lack of visible and invisible acts of love in a marriage WILL be noticed by your children. They will think that their marriages should look and feel like that. 

Face reality, make the hard decisions that have to be made and act on them for everyone's best interest.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OM is unhappily married, too. Correct? Does he want to divorce so that you can marry? Did he tell you this? OM maybe providing you with sex and emotional warmth, but is capable of being a life partner and good to your children?

When pretty women walk by does your husband look at them or is he completely indifferent to women?

I agree with the other posters. Put the affair on hold, absolutely no contact at all while you inform your husband that you have had an affair from x date to y date. You apologize for cheating because it is immoral. You want a divorce asap. If during the waiting period – differs in different states probably – you can go to MC, IC and sex therapy.

If you can fix your relationship, you can cancel the divorce. But to give your marriage a fair shot, you must NC with AP.

You should be willing to inform your families of your marital problems if he so desires. You can write a letter of apology to your in-laws.

Why didn't your husband take your earlier complaints seriously?

If your become a single parent, will your household be economically viable?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You can't have both. Welcome to planet earth which involves choices. You are going to wreak holy hell on everyone with an affair.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Hmmm o.,k some very interesting replies some of which I expected.

Longwalk- yes OM isn't happy with his wife and also should probably never married her. I haven't discussed leaving my husband with him and re-marrying...not even sure I would ever want to get married again to be honest. No, my husband doesn't look at other women. He doesn't look at me. Yet when i go out I get plenty of attention from other men. I am 39 and look after myself, not overweight, in the best shape of my life, I go running 3 times a week and do weights, I haven't let myself go! I can stand naked in front of my husband and he doesn't see me, will just walk out of the room. Not saying I am god's gift I am not but not that bad for my age and having had 2 kids! I honestly believe he is asexual. I feels so cheated. I am curious as to why I should right a letter of apology to my in-laws? My husband hasn't been fulfilling his vows to me, if he had been there is no way I would have done what I have done and I have tried to put up with it for years, why should I apologies for being normal and having needs that are not being met in the marriage??? Not sure why he didn't take my earlier complaints seriously. I have always just put up with things. I don't like to argue or confrontation and I don't think my husband knows how to deal with me. He told me I wanted the fairytale but what we have is reality....,yeah right! I don't think i could survive on my own in our current home. We live in a lovely house in a very good area. I work part time and earn good money but would probably have to sell the house.

Acoa-thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it. Yes, I have been clear to my husband. He has never been a very affectionate person but we have no contact now and it is killing me. I don't want to beg for sex anymore I want to be with a man who genuinely really wants me, can't wait to rip my clothes off me, can't cope with scraps of sex anymore and have actually given up on him and now try and avoid bedtimes. My husband only ever will have sex on a weekend as he is too tired in the week

Somedaydig- you are right I should divorce him I am just too scared to do it.I am miserable now and spend a lot of time crying...he doesn't even notice and I can't imagine being like this when I am in my 50s.

Jasel- not so easy just to walk out when you have kids and financially not sure what would happen, if it was just me I would be long gone, I deserve better than this, he doesn't give a **** about me the kids are his priority.

Badbane- I truly wish he was having an affair at least I would know that he was interested in sex, this is worse I can't do anything about it. I have checked his computer, doesn't go out much, works from home, works in IT mainly men or geeky women. To conceive our children I had to phone him in work and tell him I was ovulating and we had to have sex that night. His reply, " You are joking me". Can you imagine how hurtful this is?

Bashfullbull- you are right he isn't cheating he just living up to his marriage vows. I know I am not either but if he was fulfilling my needs to begin with I would not have done this.

mtpromises- I would be interested to hear your story if you were willing to share it. I know you are right but getting sex elsewhere almost makes this bearable at home. Sometimes I just wish I had a switch and I could switch it off. I go to the supermarket and look at random men and just want to jump on them. My need for sex is so great some days it totally consumes me, and what makes it worse is that I know I am not going to get anything at home. I don't see myself staying with him long term but don't know when to leave him. I can't live like this forever. Not sure what good counselling for me would do?

Bashfullbull- sorry to hear you have been cheated on but not looking for your sympathy. Certainly haven't rewritten history.Not sure if my husband is happy, I can't believe he thinks I am happy and this is good but probably just with me for the kids too? Happily let him go we live as two single people anyway don't think he would be interested in finding anybody else. What about him living up to his vows to me? Is it acceptable that I go years without sex??


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What if your husband's low sex drive was caused by a physiological problem, fixable by -for example- testosterone therapy? 

What then?

By the way: Don't cheat. Please.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Mattmatt- well if it is he isn't bothered about getting it fixed. He doesn't have a problem...it's me, I am the abnormal one. Too late I have already cheated I am the evil witch and don't I know it .


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Mattmatt- well if it is he isn't bothered about getting it fixed. He doesn't have a problem...it's me, I am the abnormal one. Too late I have already cheated I am the evil witch and don't I know it .


huh?


Simple solution. Tell him to have himself fully checked medically. Do a full blood panel. Do a full hormone panel - thyroid, liver, sex, etc. 

Take him to a psychologist and have him evaluated for depression.

Change his diet. Does he workout? Get him to build muscles.

Tell him you cant live like this, and if he doesnt find the source of apathy you'll divorce him. He'll sit on that. You wait a few days, get the separation/divorce form and you both work on it to get filed.

If he still waits, file.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Reality check time!

You have been married 18 years.
You have two children.
You rarely had sex with your husband.

So, for 17.5 years this was an arrangement that was sort of okay. I agree that low sex drive in your partner is incredibly hurtful but you need to look at why it is now you are having such a huge problem. Right now. 

You met another man and are currently having sex with him.

This other man has also not had sex with his wife for a long time and you are both madly in love.

This is straight out of the cheaters handbook and is cheating excuse number one and almost never true for men. Here is another one out of cheaters handbook.

Married men almost never leave their wives for the mistress [that's you by the way] because you just devalued yourself from a "respectable married woman of 18 years" to "a mistress who is cheating on her family and partner" 
He won't leave his wife for someone like that. 

This is all very base stuff because that is what sex is. It is base. To intellectualize it is another cheater trait. It all becomes "very complicated". No, it doesn't

You are fcking another man behind your husbands back.

We see this all the time and we also see the consequences.

Here they are!

The "Us"
That friend you had for 18 years will be gone. He will not only not be available he will be betrayed and after 18 years the wounds will be deep. This has already happened. You have betrayed your friend. 

Think about that. All the things you rely on him for, the emotional support you take totally for granted will be removed. 
The friendly chats, the little things that happen in your life without you even thinking about it. All gone.
This may already have happened. 

Your family.

That thing that seems like it is stable and secure. You have thrown that away. Family holidays, Christmas, kids birthdays. Your going to be only having 1/2 of them now. A future where you get 50% custody of your kids. 
Custody. It sounds so clinical. It sounds okay doesn't it.

That means that you will lose 50% of the life of your children. You will have no control or influence on what happens in that time and I would suggest that at some point your husband will re-partner, another woman who you do not know [ and probably thinks very poorly of you] is going to be doing your job half the time
This is likely to happen..

Your finances.
You are going to be reset to zero . Start again. From scratch.

You are going to need a full time job that pays about 80% of your current combined income to be able to keep a house going. 


Friends.
Your going to lose a lot of them. Women who leave families with small children for cheating married men are not held in very high regard. I really do not give a rats arse about the rights and wrongs of that at the moment. This is reality.

My advice.

Immediately ditch the dirt bag who says he loves you. If he loved you he would walk away. If you loved him you would walk away.
This is about sex and infatuation and is incredibly strong because you are both cheating. 

Tell your husband you cheated on him

You "deciding" to get a Divorce may be a moot point...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Let me see if I am getting this right....You were with him ten years, and knew he was not what you would call a good lover, but you thought that after marriage it would get better?

You were married to this guy for four years, and although he was not a good lover, decided to have kids.....

After eighteen years you have decided you need to get another man, and you are looking for justification....

Was there any compelling reason that you married him?

Are you absolutely sure the other man will be able to take care of your sexual needs, or are you being hasty?

Have you tried other AP's before this guy, or are you settling again?

the woodchuck


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry but I think you want to stay for comfort, I'm willing to be the other man will not leave his wife for you. While you may think you feel true love, read up on affairs while it may seem like love it's nothing but a cloud of smoke. When it clears you will have to face the damage and hurt you have caused. People think children don't notice what's going on but they are actually more intuitive than adults. Don't underestimate the damage you are causing him. Divorce and leave or stay and fix things there is no excuse to pick the cheating route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

aug- have asked him to go to the doctors to get checked out but he won't go there is nothing wrong with him!

ing- no never been happy with things but promised thing would get better...yes I have mug tattoed across my forehead! Always had a massive problem with it but everything else was good so I suppose I accepted it. When I turned 35 I had a midlife crisis and just flipped. Couldn't believe I had spent 15years living like this and wasn't prepared living the rest of my life like it. Tried to talk to him and make things better, things improved for a bit but quickly reverted back to normal. Om has more regular sex with his wife than my husband and me, don't want to marry him and don't want him to leave his wife for me. Am not living in the fog or cloud cuckoo land I know what it is just sex and that's fine. 

Well my friend doesn't really give much of a **** about me. We don't communicate anymore, we don't do anything together, there are no emotional chats, I am more or less on my own now. I know if we split up if wouldn't be too much of a shock as I am leading a single life now. He does his thing and I do and that's fine I am not interested in him anymore. If he wants to find another women he is very welcome to but I would love to see another woman put up with what I have for the last 18 years. Not going to happen.

Not going to lose my friends, I have a small circle of very very close friends.

Dirt bag hasn't told me he loves me and I haven't told him but I know how I feel.

Woodchuck- I was married to him for 1 month, I got really excited as we started trying for a baby and thought this would mean lots of sex...I fell pregnant the first month after the first and only attempt...I could have cried. I married him because everything else was good and are weakness was sex. I thought it was shallow to not marry him because of that and it would improve.

Mablenc- yes you are right I am staying for comfort if I had the money I would be gone, not sure I even love my husband after what he has done to me. Have you any idea what if feel like to be rejected by your husband, the man who supposedly loves you, night after night after night after night. There is only so much you can take before it really starts to effect you. Not sure I would leave for OM quite happy to be on my own...well I am anyway so no different really.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

I have only been married 8 years not 18, wiht my husband for 10 years before getting married.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> ing- no never been happy with things but promised thing would get better...yes I have mug tattoed across my forehead! Always had a massive problem with it but everything else was good so I suppose I accepted it.
> 
> When I turned 35 I had a midlife crisis and just flipped. Couldn't believe I had spent 15years living like this and wasn't prepared living the rest of my life like it. Tried to talk to him and make things better, things improved for a bit but quickly reverted back to normal. Om has more regular sex with his wife than my husband and me, don't want to marry him and don't want him to leave his wife for me. Am not living in the fog or cloud cuckoo land I know what it is just sex and that's fine.
> 
> ...


He will find another woman. Easily. She will see that boring man who you see quiet differently. He went straight to the top of the dating tree in later life.. Just so you know. He will have women after him within weeks!

1. He can maintain a long relationship
2. He doesn't cheat
3. He puts his children his children first. [very, very sexy]
4. They will take the time to fix the sex issue, which he will recover from. 



You on the other hand just plummeted to absolute zero.

1.She cheated on her husband with married man.

Your dating pool is married men, men who cheated, and dirt bags

You sound like you have already packed your bags and rebuilt your life without him.

Tell him you cheated on him. Today. No details. 
Move out of the house and only communicate about the kids.
Hope it works out better for you than it did for My Ex-wife! 
bye


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Children are not a reason to stay married especially in the role modeling the 2 of you are showing them---believe me they know---things ain't right or good

Stop with the you love your lover---maybe you are infatuated with him---but love---"BS"-----you don't know him---you have never spent ONE MOMENT OF REALITY WITH HIM---you don't even know for sure whether he will ever leave his wife-----and I promise you---he is a liar---for he lies to his wife, doesn't he

If you need physical attention---get your D, and move on---if you are gonna stay and be miserable---well that's on you, for probably what at least 8 to 10 more years----are you gonna become a cheater over the next 8 to 10 yrs---you won't like yourself-----and you will probably just end up with a string of losers---just like the loser you have that is your present lover

Gain some respect---get your D, and do everything right, from that point on---be proud to look at yourself in the mirror


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Delude yourself all you want Bubbles. You are heading for a world of pain and regret you cannot even imagine. You are happy as spam because you have a player boyfriend using you for sex. After your friends and family and kids find out you cheated on your husband and took the cowards way out of your marriage you will have the mother of V-8 moments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

The saddest thing here is you sold you honor and integrity for sex. You can justify it as you want but no one not even your husband made you do it. You decided to do it. You made vows before your family and whatever god you believe in. You betrayed those vows for a penis. How do you think your kids will deal with this? When you ate older and they have a moral issue what are you going to tell them, that when times ate tough it is okay to betray people who you made promises to? Okay to betray yourself?

Cheating is a cowards way, you want your husband to be the kind of husband you want but you are not being the wife anyone would want. Yes you dealt with it for years you should of forced the issue with divorce or separation instead you did not want to give up his financial support. Do you realize how shallow that is?

You don't have to be the person you are right now. You could change but until you fully understand what you have done to yourself and your family your inner self will have no integrity. 

Your posts are all about how he has driven you to it while in reality you drove yourself through your love for your lifestyle over having honor. We look down on those that betray others for money and that is exactly what you did. When exactly did you lose yourself respect? Is this who your younger self wanted to be? Only we can truly hurt ourselves and that is by inviting corruption into our souls what you have done to yourself is SO much worse than what your husband has done.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You've done what all cheaters do: revise history so that your insanity seems sane. You don't need anyone to tell you you're wrong; you know you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well it's clear there are a lot of bitter men here, if this was a man complaining of no sex the board would be all over the wife for "not meeting his needs", though in fairness they would tell him not to cheat and to divorce. Bubbles, stop making excuses and file for divorce, the OM isn't going to solve your problems and is going to complicate your life. Your kids will be fine, people use them for an excuse to take the cowards way out all the time. End the marriage, then you can pursue anything you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> You've done what all cheaters do: revise history so that your insanity seems sane. You don't need anyone to tell you you're wrong; you know you are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So they've really had an active sex life but since she's met another man she must be rewriting history? I don't get this; sometimes people just view the marriage differently, and maybe people accuse others of rewriting history because they don't want to face the fact that the marriage wasn't that great? That being said cheating instead of divorcing first is a cowardly thing you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I realize women are not by nature numeric creatures but let me throw a number at you.

43

That is how many years of sexlessness you are going to face before regretting your whole life.

You are getting even less hot wet sloppy goopy sex than me. Stop it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> aug- have asked him to go to the doctors to get checked out but he won't go there is nothing wrong with him!
> 
> ing- no never been happy with things but promised thing would get better...yes I have mug tattoed across my forehead! Always had a massive problem with it but everything else was good so I suppose I accepted it. When I turned 35 I had a midlife crisis and just flipped. Couldn't believe I had spent 15years living like this and wasn't prepared living the rest of my life like it. Tried to talk to him and make things better, things improved for a bit but quickly reverted back to normal. Om has more regular sex with his wife than my husband and me, don't want to marry him and don't want him to leave his wife for me. Am not living in the fog or cloud cuckoo land I know what it is just sex and that's fine.
> 
> ...


So the sex with your lover is just fine, is it? The sex acts you are stealing from his faithful, yet clueless cheated upon wife?

The wife you are risking giving an STD to? (Well, you think your husband isn't having sex with others, but you can't know for certain...)


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> So they've really had an active sex life but since she's met another man she must be rewriting history? I don't get this; sometimes people just view the marriage differently, and maybe people accuse others of rewriting history because they don't want to face the fact that the marriage wasn't that great? That being said cheating instead of divorcing first is a cowardly thing you do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't sound like you've ever been cheated on. You would sing a different tune if you ever were. You cannot fathom the pain and agony her husband is going to go through when he finds out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

You describe a emotionless marriage where there's no connection, sexual or otherwise. You also describe worrying about the impact a divorce will have on your kids.

Why aren't you more worried about what you and your husband are modeling to your children about relationships and marriage? Going by what you describe, a dismal, emotionless existence, sexless marriage, etc. A marriage where at least one of the partners either tolerates being unhappy and is not getting their needs met, or is unhappy and stepping outside the marriage to get their needs met.

At least if you divorce your kids may have a fair shot at seeing their parents happy and no longer modeling this dysfunctional marriage you describe.

FWIW, I don't necessarily agree another woman wouldn't be happy 
with your husband. You clearly seem angry and very unhappy but have to say, something about the way you talk about him reminds me of the way cheating spouses often vilify the betrayed while they are in the fog of the affair. Or, as you said, cuckoo land. Pretty common.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> So they've really had an active sex life but since she's met another man she must be rewriting history? I don't get this; sometimes people just view the marriage differently, and maybe people accuse others of rewriting history because they don't want to face the fact that the marriage wasn't that great? That being said cheating instead of divorcing first is a cowardly thing you do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What you say is irrelevant- what we choose is at hand
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"Mablenc- yes you are right I am staying for comfort if I had the money I would be gone, not sure I even love my husband after what he has done to me. Have you any idea what if feel like to be rejected by your husband, the man who supposedly loves you, night after night after night after night. There is only so much you can take before it really starts to effect you. Not sure I would leave for OM quite happy to be on my own...well I am anyway so no different really."

OP,
I can imagine its painful to be rejected, I just think you are not helping your situation, you are making it worse. In the process you are hurting everyone including yourself. There are options, don't settle. You need to think about what you want, your kids are very young and if you stay in an unhappy marriage it will affect all of you. It's hard work either way but think about long term impacts on the decisions you make today. You can lose it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What are you going to tell your kids when they found out you are cheating on their father? That he was asexual, you told him about it, he didn't improve, and you were too comfortable in your lifestyle, so you just kept cheating, and keeping him and them in the dark? If the real truth comes out, what do you think your kids would think? Will you tell the kids that you did it for them, so their life would not be disrupted?

Here's the thing. I think the kids would understand a divorce, that you weren't happy, didn't get along - moreso than they would understand you lying or cheating and hurting their father that way. They will not agree that the correct solution to your problem would be to cheat.

Maybe you are planning on the kids never finding out about the cheating. 18 years ago, you planned for things to be better than they turned out to be. Your kids are still young. You plan on ending the affair and before they get to the age where they will get curious about what's going on with you, or before they will be able to undertand it. Is that it?

About sex with your spouse. It is a basic obligation of marriage. If your spouse withholds sex from you, it is grounds for divorce. At least it is in NY. I am sorry you are in this situation. Sex is a basic part of marriage. It's different if your spouse has a physical condition that keeps him from having sex. To withhold it from you if he is able to perform is wrong of him. It is perfectly acceptable to divorce your husband on the grounds that he withholds sex from you. However, the sex problem is best confronted and resolved for what it is. Keep working on the problem until you come to a resolution - either an improved sex life or divorce. Cheating is not the answer.

My advice is to tell your husband you are cheating on him and tell him why. Then work out between you whether you want to work on the marriage, improve the sex life, quit the cheating, or get divorced.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> My husband and I don't argue and everything is fine day to day *nobody has any clue* that I am not happy. I know what you are saying is right but at what stage do I leave? When they are a bit older so they understand, I worry that by leaving I am going to screw them up for life.


Do you expect your husband to read your mind? 

File for divorce and tell your husband what a horrible person you are... Because eventually, your husband will find out, no matter how much you try to keep it, something will slip up. And so it will destroy your marriage, children, husband, and everyone else involved. and you will end up with a divorce anyways.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Bubbles, 

Your husband is exactly like mine. I mean EXACTLY. 20 years of a sexless marriage. No affection, not even a kiss.

Tried for years to find out why. Never did. Thought he was gay for the longest time. He was very boring, no sex drive (with me) and always home watching TV. Zzzzzzzzzzzz

I never cheated. I suffered in silence for years.............sigh.......

Well imagine MY surprise when I found out my husband had been cheating on ME!! WITH WOMEN!! All kinds of women at the same time. physical affairs, setting, you name it.

I wasted 20 years even if he wasn't cheating, I was still denied the best years of my life. Kids, yes, I have two pre-teens. VERY VERY TOUGH but I have filed for divorce and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Whatever is ahead of me could be no lonelier then what I am leaving behind. My children love me and I will always be there for them. I feel bad my marriage was an unhealthy and unhappy one but my kids know they are loved by both their parents. 

It's the best I can do right now. 

I think being happy will have a ripple affect in your life so please don't rule out divorce. Or at least let your husband know about your intentions. Maybe he will be receptive to an open marriage.

Best of luck. I REALLY REALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

You two need to see a sex therapist ASAP. Tell your husband that it is for the children as they need to grow up in a happy household, otherwise they will develop unhealthy outlook of life. If he is a decent father, he will understand.

Never use your children as excuse for staying in a bad marriage and having an affair. I see this here on TAM all too often and hate it with all my heart. My parents stayed in a very bad marriage and they kept saying that they are doing this for the children. Guess what- it made us only more miserable, not less. If you stay with your husband without fixing the issues and have an affair, then your children's childhood will be completely destroyed. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into.

If you cannot live with your husband, then don't. But do the honorable thing and divorce. Don't date others while you are still committed to another person. That's not justifiable. That's disgusting.

Oh, and btw, my STBXW also withheld sex a lot. So I know how it feels to be rejected. But I never cheated. She did. I didn't cheat because I had to, I didn't cheat because I wanted not to.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Thank you for your replies. Lifeistooshort- I agree I would be interested to see if the replies would the same if this was a man after having been a lurker here for many years! 


Another woman may be happy with my husband, he is good looking, kind and we have a nice lifestyle, as long as she wasn't interested in any form of intimacy or love.

I am pretty certain I know what I am going to do, thank you for taking the time to post a reply it has really helped.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Bubbles, my guess here is that either your husband truly never loved you, as you suspect, and he is not at all attracted to you - in which case I'd find out why he married you...maybe he was in love with someone else that left him, or couldn't have, he never got over that someone in his heart, and settled for you just to make a family? Could this be a possibility?
Or..he is truly asexual. There are people who just don't like sex. There is nothing to fix about them. It's just that they don't like it. Like they don't like pizza, for example. There are very few of those people, but they exist. If so, he shouldn't be forced to have sex if he doesn't enjoy it. But you shouldn't be condemned to live the rest of your life this way.

So, my advice is not like everyone else's, give up on your happiness and just suck it up, because you're married. You don't have to give up on your new man, if you really believe he can make you happy.
But you have to tell your husband. 
When you do: either he agrees to see a sex therapist and make it work with you, or he doesn't agree and then you tell him honestly that you are going to have your needs met with another man. It's not cheating if you tell him. Or, you mutually agree to divorce and then you are free to do what you please - though, it is still wrong while the OM is married. He too should be honest with his wife and see what he decides to do.

Honestly, after so many years, I don't think your husband will come around. Especially if there was never passion between you. But who knows.
Is there anything that you are doing together now that you can't do when you are divorced? co-parenting your child, you don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. You can;t fool the kids- they SENSE it. Going out to have dinner once in a very blue moon, then go each to sleep separately? It's what divorced people do. Getting along well, but no sex, and no sexual attraction? any roomate can offer you.

And, @ BashfulBull : I read your thread about the wife attacking you to get you off her lover, and stated clearly I sympathize and feel for you. But do you realize how bashing - pardon the pun - bitter, and miserable you sound here? Why do you project your anger with your wife toward the OP? " I'm pretty sure you didn't starve your wife of sex and of affection, like the OP's husband. Each situation is different.
And "Fvcking cheaters?" Remember, cursing and name calling is a violation of rules. Someone can just as well say "fvcking bitter people". How would you feel? Again, I understand your pain, but I don't see the use to direct at someone who did nothing to you. 
Not looking to engage in an argument with you, but had to say it. I'd friendly suggest you some anger management therapy.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Bubbles, my guess here is that either your husband truly never loved you, as you suspect, and he is not at all attracted to you - in which case I'd find out why he married you...maybe he was in love with someone else that left him, or couldn't have, he never got over that someone in his heart, and settled for you just to make a family? Could this be a possibility?
> Or..he is truly asexual. There are people who just don't like sex. There is nothing to fix about them. It's just that they don't like it. Like they don't like pizza, for example. There are very few of those people, but they exist. If so, he shouldn't be forced to have sex if he doesn't enjoy it. But you shouldn't be condemned to live the rest of your life this way.
> 
> So, my advice is not like everyone else's, give up on your happiness and just suck it up, because you're married. You don't have to give up on your new man, if you really believe he can make you happy.
> ...


:iagree:

BashingBull has done a great job dealing with his situation. In fact, the speed and resolution put him among the top 90 percent.

(BB, you are a model for how it should be done)

However, for a person in the midst of dealing with infidelity it is hard to have a broader perspective. It will come with time if one hangs out on TAM.

Hortensia is giving good advice.

Bubbles, you don't even seem certain about your new guy. He could be someone else.

I suggest that you write your AP a note to say that you must take a timeout. That you think you love him but an affair is not an honest way to live. Therefore, you are requesting no contact. You can add that you are going to tell your husband about the affair and seek a divorce/therapy for your marriage.

Book MC now so that you and your husband will have place to talk more freely. The fallout from the affair could be horrible. Perhaps your husband will quickly decided that divorce is the right way to go and if so it would indicate that his feelings for you are muted.

It is positive that you do not feel revulsion for your husband. This means that if he got therapy, you might be able to save your marriage by injecting it with sex. But as others have noted, if ain't there it ain't. Maybe testosterone supplements will turn him into raging lover.

If your husband is asexual, which is rare, maybe you can enter a open marriage. It is not an easy route, but it is better than cheating if it works.

The economic consequences of divorce sound unpleasant. But your sexless marriage is oppressing your soul and ultimately making life harder for your husband and children.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Hortensia/longwalk-thank you for your post, I really do appreciate people taking the time to reply and offer advice.

I don't think my husband ever had a serious girlfriend before me..I now know why! I think I make him look normal. I have given him children, who are his priority and people looks at us and see a happy family. You are right I don't think I will change him, this is who he is. I feel that I need to tell him again how unhappy I am and give him the chance to change and clearly tell him that if it doesn't happen then I want a divorce.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you for your replies. Lifeistooshort- I agree I would be interested to see if the replies would the same if this was a man after having been a lurker here for many years!
> 
> 
> Another woman may be happy with my husband, he is good looking, kind and we have a nice lifestyle, as long as she wasn't interested in any form of intimacy or love.
> ...


You are fooling yourself about your husband. 

He will be destroyed. Then he will recover, then you will regret this. Same advice for men and women..


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What do you think your husband's response would be if you told him the truth?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

if you have to divorce, go about doing it but in your rush to feel some emotions, you picked the wrong kind of guy. You know nothing about him. He could be lying to you about the state of his marriage. he could be a serial cheater. You only have a limited look into his life because of the secrecy of your relationship. Why don't you divorce your husband, become single and find someone from the actual singles pool. Now you don't know anything about this guy. You know nothing about his family. Yes, your talks are emotional and all but I seriously think you are umping into another bad relationship, only because you are desperate to get out of this one.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ing said:


> You are fooling yourself about your husband.
> 
> He will be destroyed. Then he will recover, then you will regret this. Same advice for men and women..


How do you know?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> if you have to divorce, go about doing it but in your rush to feel some emotions, you picked the wrong kind of guy. You know nothing about him. He could be lying to you about the state of his marriage. he could be a serial cheater. You only have a limited look into his life because of the secrecy of your relationship. Why don't you divorce your husband, become single and find someone from the actual singles pool. Now you don't know anything about this guy. You know nothing about his family. Yes, your talks are emotional and all but I seriously think you are umping into another bad relationship, only because you are desperate to get out of this one.


I don't get the impression that she believes in the affair relationship. It was an exit affair. She is trying to summon the courage to D and made the bad choice of cheating. She knows it is wrong. 

It is hard to believe her husband is so asexual. But there are such people.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> if you have to divorce, go about doing it but in your rush to feel some emotions, you picked the wrong kind of guy. You know nothing about him. He could be lying to you about the state of his marriage. he could be a serial cheater. You only have a limited look into his life because of the secrecy of your relationship. Why don't you divorce your husband, become single and find someone from the actual singles pool. Now you don't know anything about this guy. You know nothing about his family. Yes, your talks are emotional and all but I seriously think you are umping into another bad relationship, only because you are desperate to get out of this one.





> Om has more regular sex with his wife than my husband and me, *don't want to marry him and don't want him to leave his wife for me*. Am not living in the fog or cloud cuckoo land I know what it is just sex and that's fine.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Inform your husband about your cheating it may snap him out. He may work on his issue and you can work on your issues and may make your marriage to work.


What kind of a man cheat on his wife and children? What kind of women cheat on her husband? Only broken people, OM is going to dump you as soon as he get caught. remember one thing you cant hide the truth for ever, it will come out eventually and strip you down in front of your husband, friends, family and children.

What you are doing is killing yourself, your husband and your children's home. Its time for you to do the right thing else your husband may forgive you but your children will not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well it's clear there are a lot of bitter men here, if this was a man complaining of no sex the board would be all over the wife for "not meeting his needs", though in fairness they would tell him not to cheat and to divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gotta, say wow! That is 100% uncalled for, and insulting and dismissive of the people who are trying to help.

Where the heck is the bitter part, in telling her cheating is 100% disgusting and dishonorable?

And I've never ever in all my years on TAM, even once seen a man get told anything different than she is being told to do: stop cheating, and to either work with him or to divorce him.

Nothing here is helped by name calling and attacking the other posters.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Hortensia/longwalk-thank you for your post, I really do appreciate people taking the time to reply and offer advice.
> 
> I don't think my husband ever had a serious girlfriend before me..I now know why! I think I make him look normal. I have given him children, who are his priority and people looks at us and see a happy family. You are right I don't think I will change him, this is who he is. I feel that I need to tell him again how unhappy I am and give him the chance to change and clearly tell him that if it doesn't happen then I want a divorce.


Well he's got zero chance of success even if he completely changed, while you've still got your POSOM on the side.

You must stop cheating and end the affair and contact with the 
OM regardless of if you R or D. Only when you are truly single is when it's ok to be in a new relationship.

Alternatively, if you don't stop,my hen hopeful your husband will put 2+2 together and will expose both you and your OM , especially to his wife. That will certainly help end the cheating.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you for your replies. Lifeistooshort- I agree I would be interested to see if the replies would the same if this was a man after having been a lurker here for many years!
> 
> 
> Another woman may be happy with my husband, he is good looking, kind and we have a nice lifestyle, as long as she wasn't interested in any form of intimacy or love.
> ...


Sorry,but if you've lurked here for years, you apparently haven't learned anything otherwise you would not be cheating like you've chosen to do, because you would know what a cost this affair will have when, not if, you are caught. 

Your children will be deeply emotionally hurt by the way you chose to end their family. They will see the trauma you are inflicting on the father who loves them.

If you had read here, you would age known that divorce or therapy where two valid options - but that joining the ranks of people who cheat was never an option, only a selfish horrible betrayal of your husband and family.


My advice: tell your husband of your affair, and let him decide what he wants to do with you. He may help you by happily exposing your posom to his wife - that way his marriage problems get fixed too.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well it's clear there are a lot of bitter men here, if this was a man complaining of no sex the board would be all over the wife for "not meeting his needs", though in fairness they would tell him not to cheat and to divorce. Bubbles, stop making excuses and file for divorce, the OM isn't going to solve your problems and is going to complicate your life. Your kids will be fine, people use them for an excuse to take the cowards way out all the time. End the marriage, then you can pursue anything you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfounded. Untrue.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> *Well it's clear there are a lot of bitter men here, if this was a man complaining of no sex the board would be all over the wife for "not meeting his needs", though in fairness they would tell him not to cheat and to divorce.* Bubbles, stop making excuses and file for divorce, the OM isn't going to solve your problems and is going to complicate your life. Your kids will be fine, people use them for an excuse to take the cowards way out all the time. End the marriage, then you can pursue anything you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Regarding the bolded, I would like to see the instance where this happens. As a matter of fact, I would say that the people here tend to treat wayward wives with kit gloves way more than they do with wayward husbands. Then again, I've only been on here for a year.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I posted earlier in this and I'm female....I don't see any bias. As in, what would folks say to a cheating husband with a wife who didn't want sex. IMO, when I see replies like that they are generally from trolls or very unremorseful types. There are many BH's here and having gone through being cheated on, I can't see any BH being supportive of infidelity in any case. There also seem to be a lot of reformed WH's here and again, can't see them being supportive of such a thing either. Of course, this is based on what I've read here in less than a year's time, YMMV.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

I think that people tend to be more sympathetic when men are not getting sex from their wives. Men need sex and although the general consensus is that it is wrong to cheat there is more of a sympathy towards them, a kind of well what do you expect if he's not getting it at home attitude. But the other way around and you should put up with it.

Clearly, I haven't learnt anything from all my years of lurking here. Although I have told my husband how unhappy I am and how I don't see the marriage lasting if things don't change(2010) he feels it is acceptable to continue in this manner. I didn't deliberately set out to cheat on him. I have tried to make things better with my husband, I don't want to divorce him. I have needs and they are not being met in the marriage. What happened happened and I wish I could have a full marriage with my husband but not sure if this is going to happen. If it was the other way around I would worried that my husband would be looking elsewhere and actively doing something to stop this yet he doesn't seem to care?

I don't see why I should let my husband decide what he wants to do with me? What about what I want to do with him? Why should I put up with living like this. Have you any idea what it feel like to go months and months without sex, nothing, no kissing no touching, how **** that makes me feel as a woman. I feel like some kind of freak. So please don't judge me until you have had to live like this.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I know. My former wayward wife didn't have sex with me for months on end.

We're not judging cuz MOST of us have been in the sexless marriage place.

However, it doesn't make infidelity your only out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> I think that people tend to be more sympathetic when men are not getting sex from their wives. Men need sex and although the general consensus is that it is wrong to cheat there is more of a sympathy towards them, a kind of well what do you expect if he's not getting it at home attitude. But the other way around and you should put up with it.
> 
> Clearly, I haven't learnt anything from all my years of lurking here. Although I have told my husband how unhappy I am and how I don't see the marriage lasting if things don't change(2010) he feels it is acceptable to continue in this manner. I didn't deliberately set out to cheat on him. I have tried to make things better with my husband, I don't want to divorce him. I have needs and they are not being met in the marriage. What happened happened and I wish I could have a full marriage with my husband but not sure if this is going to happen. If it was the other way around I would worried that my husband would be looking elsewhere and actively doing something to stop this yet he doesn't seem to care?
> 
> I don't see why I should let my husband decide what he wants to do with me? What about what I want to do with him? Why should I put up with living like this. Have you any idea what it feel like to go months and months without sex, nothing, no kissing no touching, how **** that makes me feel as a woman. I feel like some kind of freak. So please don't judge me until you have had to live like this.


My wife is too ill to have sex on a regular basis. It is just several times a year, when she can.

Guess what? I don't get to have much sex. I don't cheat.


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

I don't see why I should let my husband decide what he wants to do with me? What about what I want to do with him? *Why should I put up with living like this. *Have you any idea what it feel like to go months and months without sex, nothing, no kissing no touching, how **** that makes me feel as a woman. I feel like some kind of freak. So please don't judge me until you have had to live like this.

You shouldn't. You should figure out life on your own and leave. People can be very judgmental, especially those who have been hurt by a cheating spouse/partner... you can't really blame them because it does hurt.

But the point here is you really shouldn't be putting up with something like this. If your husband really is asexual, then I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Plus, it kind of seems like you are through, like you've been through a long time now.

You are still young and attractive. You deserve someone who will fulfill your needs. You have a lot to offer, why not find someone who will take it and appreciate it? That is after you get over this mess.

I understand you. I was in a similar situation- my partner was completely closed off emotionally. He was in his own little world and I felt like crap. But I wasn't married to him, haven't got kids with him so moving on was a lot easier. I never cheated on him, I just left... I am not saying what you're currently doing is okay but your situation is more difficult than mine and I know it's not just sex you aren't getting. You don't feel loved by your own husband and that is something very hard to bear.

I'm surprised your marriage has lasted this long.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

End the affair. Seek divorce. Once you have filed and separated, then begin your single life. As things stand, you are risking Dday and trauma for your H and children
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Mattmatt- I am sorry that your wife is ill and you are unable to have regular sex. See, I could accept this if there was a medical reason but there is NOTHING wrong with him nada! He seems to have plenty of excuses lined up though. I didn't set out to cheat on him, it happened and if things were good at home I would not have done this. I know I sound like an evil ***** but I read so many stories on here of what men do to get their wives to have sex with them...all the chores, free time so they are not tired, pampering etc.... are they mad?? I would kill to have a husband who wanted regular sex. I am sorry I know I sound bitter and angry that's because I am! I have given him the best years of my life and I feel as if I have missed out on so much and he is oblivious to it!


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Pinktrees- thank you for your mail, you understand what I am going through and you are right. Me too not sure how I have lasted this long..the kids really otherwise I would have long gone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bubbles74 said:


> Although I have told my husband how unhappy I am and how I don't see the marriage lasting if things don't change(2010) he feels it is acceptable to continue in this manner.


Well, what did you expect? You told him this THREE YEARS AGO yet continued to accept it. YOU had a hand in the situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bubbles74 said:


> I don't see why I should let my husband decide what he wants to do with me? What about what I want to do with him? Why should I put up with living like this. Have you any idea what it feel like to go months and months without sex, nothing, no kissing no touching, how **** that makes me feel as a woman. I feel like some kind of freak. So please don't judge me until you have had to live like this.


 Then you should have divorced him. Not cheated. Is that the path you want your kids to take? They WILL mimic you, you know. It's all they know.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Its like peeing into the wind with Bubbles trying to give her advice. She is just not going to get it through her head that she needs to divorce her husband if she is muserable. 

Bubbles is a cake eater. Too scared to walk away from her cushy life and too scared to let her player boyfriend go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Bubbles,

You are in situation that no one should have to tolerate in a marriage.

You have every right to put your foot down and demand changes if the relationship is to continue.

That said, you did not have the right to cheat on and betray your H and your family because of this. It was a colossal mistake.

Sadly, your infidelity has now probably made this situation irreparable. 

Before your cheating, the justice/right was on your side in dealing with the problems in your M. Your H was in the wrong and could never have honestly claimed to be an injured party if you had decided to divorce for his refusal to make changes. The failure of the relationship would have been all on him.

Now though, when your A is revealed, he will feel empowered and justified to deny you those changes at all. He will tell himself he is rewarding your cheating if he does the heaving lifting to save the relationship. He will claim the mantle of the injured party and use it as an excuse to avoid fixing the marriage. 

And sadly, most people who might have seen you as justified if you had divorced over the major problems in your M, will now see him as the justified person since you are a cheater.

This all means that the likelihood of you being able to repair your M into a happy relationship is close to nil. There MIGHT have been a chance if you had given a stern ultimatum for the changes you needed BEFORE you cheated. 

Now, sadly, I think the only realistic outcome for this troubled relationship will be a divorce.

Your H was an ignorant schmuck, but NO ONE deserves what you did to him.

I'm truly sorry for you, but you handled this sad situation in the worst way possible if you wanted to save your relationship and children's family.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

turnera- well I told him 3 years ago and things did improve for a short time before reverting back to normal. I am a very patient and have given plenty of opportunity to change...he hasn't!

Bashfullbull- thanks for you useful advice as usual! Not too scared to walk away but when you have two young children to think about not so easy to just walk away!

Dyokeem-thanks for your post- I know what you are saying is right, but if I end things and my husband never finds out about the affair then doesn't that change things? Why should everybody find out, I am not going tell am I? What I did was wrong but at this stage I am still not certain I want to remain in the marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dyokemm,

Infidelity is not the first, last and only determinant of what people are doing right or wrong in their marriages, although many BS on TAM wish this were true.

As to changes by a BS, well BS who are in reconciliation sometimes try to change their behavior. So being a BS does not sentence a person to a permanent inability and unwillingness to change.

Bubbles has come for advice and she is getting it, but so far she has declined to commit herself to some course of action. She may not have the integrity to confess to her husband. But she has at least had the courage to take a pounding here. She must have known she would not be praised and hailed.

Also, did you get married in a church and take vows or was it a civil ceremony? What vows did you take?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bubbles74 said:


> turnera- well I told him 3 years ago and things did improve for a short time before reverting back to normal. I am a very patient and have given plenty of opportunity to change...he hasn't!


Wrong. He DID change, he slipped, as we all do, and YOU LET HIM.

That is on YOU, not him. Stop blaming him for your cheating. That's weak and unattractive. Have you told your mom what you are doing? Your dad?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Bubbles,

If you are going to make any attempt at fixing your M then I think you have to confess,

Reconciliation will require you and H to deal with ALL of your issues and problems: his horrible denial of intimacy AND your choice to betray the marriage.

Otherwise, I think any fixes will be false and based on a deception.

Let's say, for example, your ultimatum finally wakes him up because he realizes his stupidity has put your family in danger. He does a 180 and finally the intimacy issues you face start to improve and you start to fell happy as a couple again.

Then boom, the revelation of your A comes out (don't think it can't, my grandmother's affairs came out 45 years after they were over). In an instant, all the progress you have made and everything you have worked for will disappear. 

The fact is you are now BOTH wrong for hurting the marriage. Him by his distance and coldness, and you by cheating.

To have any chance of fixing this at all, the wrongs of BOTH of you must be worked on through counseling and serious efforts by you two.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

What do you mean he changed? He slipped and I let him? For a short period of time..but quickly reverted back to normal. No I haven't told my parents but if they knew they would be distraught...they would want me to be happy and I am not.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They would be distraught that you are cheating but they would want you to be happy?

Why don't you find out?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop the excuses girl.
Nobody will defend you have to put it up with anything. A sexless, lovess marriage is horrible... so divorce his sorry ass.

Out of pain you are forgetting how this is already affecting you (complete moral failure worsened by the continued justifications and at celar risk of interiorizing it as "normal") and other innocent people.

Stop the "i told him 2010..." it just means you could be happy divorced and possible happily dating for three years, your kids adapted for three years and you would be clean and with your honor intact. You screwed up, badly. Stop.

The most horrible about your situation is your husband was always very upfront and honest about what kind of man he was, and happy to be this way, it's you who changed after accepting him as he was for so long. Stop eating cake, specially other's cake. Stop rewritting this at your adventage, he was already this way when you were dating and kidless he didn't suddenly decided to withold sex from you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Longwalk,

You are correct that many other problem behaviors besides cheating exist in relationships. In fact, I told OP that her dissatisfaction with her H's lack of intimacy is completely justified and a legitimate cause for divorce if he refuses to change it.

But my point was that her cheating in no way made fixing her situation more likely, if anything it made it more improbable.

I agree that there is no certainty that her BS will act in the way I suggested he might.

I just think it is probable based on what she shared of their past and basic human nature.

Like most people, when confronted with how he helped make a crappy M, and given his persistent lack of motivation to deal with his issues in the past, I would be willing to wager that instead of facing up to his faults he will attempt to use her poor decisions as an excuse to refuse to deal with his own mistakes.

Most people I have seen in this world will do almost anything to justify how they act or why they do things. I doubt this BS is any different, and OP has provided what in his mind will be the perfect "Get out of jail free card" ( to use an analogy from Monopoly) 

Personally, I'm not currently married. I'm in an exclusive relationship, though I think it might be coming to a close (not from infidelity though).

I'm not religious at all anymore (was raised in a VERY religious family of Protestant Christians). So, if I do get married in the future, I don't really care if its a church service (if she wants it) or a civil ceremony.

The important thing to me about vows though is they are your solemn word, whether religious or civil in nature. Unless you are willing to sully your own pride and honor as a person by being a liar and a cheat, then you should never break them.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Turnera- well I am sure they would not be doing cartwheels but if I told them how unhappy I am and what I have had to put up with they would understand as most normal people probably would .

Ababado- couldn't have walked away in 2010 had to talk to him and tell him how unhappy I was and how I wanted him to change...I had to give him a chance didn't I? You are right he has always been this way and that's what makes me feel that I should just put up with it for the sake of the kids, he has always been like this..lucky me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> You are right he has always been this way and that's what makes me feel that I should just put up with it for the sake of the kids, he has always been like this..lucky me.


You are allowed to change, you are allowed to have needs. People change. You should do things with integrity. 
What kind of meessage are you going to send your kids. What if you succeed wrecking that home too?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Longwalk,
> 
> You are correct that many other problem behaviors besides cheating exist in relationships. In fact, I told OP that her dissatisfaction with her H's lack of intimacy is completely justified and a legitimate cause for divorce if he refuses to change it.
> 
> ...


That was a nuanced reply and I agree with what you say. The reason that I mention vows is because I don't think civil vows say anything about "being faithful". And there is a reason for this. No fault divorce laws imply that the state should not enter people into a contract that real laws do not enforce. To me this means that people have not formally committed to be sexually monogamous in a civil ceremony.

I am an atheist myself, but haven't noticed that religion have much effect because most people don't believe in an afterlife run by a fallen angel.

It would be interesting if the Bubbles went to her husband and requested permission to have an open marriage. However, an asexual person would have difficulty empathizing with the need for sex, extramarital or otherwise.

Also, noteworthy is Bubble's age. She is reaching the end of her fertility. Machiavelli is always fond of pointing out how everything is driven by biological (subconscious) factors.

In short, human instinctual behavior + the erosion of ethical norms = marriages are failing at high rate.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> I think that people tend to be more sympathetic when men are not getting sex from their wives. Men need sex and although the general consensus is that it is wrong to cheat there is more of a sympathy towards them, a kind of well what do you expect if he's not getting it at home attitude. But the other way around and you should put up with it.
> 
> Clearly, I haven't learnt anything from all my years of lurking here. Although I have told my husband how unhappy I am and how I don't see the marriage lasting if things don't change(2010) he feels it is acceptable to continue in this manner. I didn't deliberately set out to cheat on him. I have tried to make things better with my husband, I don't want to divorce him. I have needs and they are not being met in the marriage. What happened happened and I wish I could have a full marriage with my husband but not sure if this is going to happen. If it was the other way around I would worried that my husband would be looking elsewhere and actively doing something to stop this yet he doesn't seem to care?
> 
> *I don't see why I should let my husband decide what he wants to do with me? What about what I want to do with him? Why should I put up with living like this.* Have you any idea what it feel like to go months and months without sex, nothing, no kissing no touching, how **** that makes me feel as a woman. I feel like some kind of freak. So please don't judge me until you have had to live like this.


I agree, you totally don't have to let your husband or anyone else decide for you what will go on in your life. However, infidelity isn't going to solve the problems at hand and will only make them worse.

I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes so I won't address that specifically because I have nothing to offer but assumptions about what it might be like. 

But if you are confident you've done everything in your power to try and resolve the problems with him, what is your reason for staying? Is there something besides the children? Finances? Inertia? Do you want him to find out to drive him away? Is there a possibility you hope he finds out and will change as a result? Stranger things have happened so just putting the questions out there.

Also...not judging, just truly curious why you're still there if things are as dismal as you describe.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bubbles74 said:


> they would understand as most normal people probably would .


You are in what is called 'the fog.' It's the layer upon layer of justification cheaters wrap around themselves so they don't want to shoot themselves for doing something so immoral and horrific. 

Most 'normal' people, even your parents, would not condone you cheating. I'll bet dollars they didn't say, if this marriage gets too bad, just go out and get some strange. They may ACCEPT it, but they will never look at you in the same way again. You have ruined that. And trust me, they will find out. The degree of onerousness is only dependent on whether you own up to it and tell the truth, or whether they have to find out from someone else.

Normal people indeed.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Clear example of a cheater in affairland, re-writing the history of the marriage to justify her cheating. How many stories have we read here where this has happened? Too many. When in the fog of the affair, they will suddenly decide that the sex was never any good, or there was never any affection, etc, the affair has to be justified in some. Same with OM. The OM will claim to be in a sexless marriage, then come to find out he was getting sex from his betrayed wife just fine. I'm sure many of the betrayed wives here can agree with that. It would be interesting to see the BH come on here to give his side. He might give a totally different version of the story.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Somewhere there was a thread that mentioned how one WW told her POSOM that in six years of her pathetic marriage she and her husband had only had sex twice. The couple happened to have two children. People rewrite the history of their lives continuously. Some of the rewriting is truthful, some dishonest.



> However, infidelity isn't going to solve the problems at hand and will only make them worse.


 Ah, if this were only a certainty, then people would never cheat. Cheating solves a problem as long as one can get away with it. Many do get away with it. However, cheating, even when undiscovered has a price. It costs you your integrity.

There are those who sanction cheating by saying that it allows the cheater quality of life that gives them the strength to stay with their family. I am not applauding this logic. But it exists. The argument could serve Bubbles.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Bubbles74 said:


> mtpromises- I would be interested to hear your story if you were willing to share it. I know you are right but getting sex elsewhere almost makes this bearable at home. Sometimes I just wish I had a switch and I could switch it off. I go to the supermarket and look at random men and just want to jump on them. My need for sex is so great some days it totally consumes me, and what makes it worse is that I know I am not going to get anything at home. I don't see myself staying with him long term but don't know when to leave him. I can't live like this forever. Not sure what good counselling for me would do?


I didn't think counseling had anything to offer me until I started at the end of May. I feel like things in my life have been put into perspective just a little bit, but true healing and finding answers takes a very long time.

To me it sounds like your sex drive is way higher than your husband's. Some people are so used to hearing about women complaining about their husband's sex drive being too high that they forget some men aren't as virile. You have to find a balance and maybe your affair partner can help you out for now, but it will likely be a temporary fix to a problem that has been long term.

It's hard to know when the right time to walk out and leave it all behind is and honestly only you can know because your situation is so unique to you. 

Would you leave and go with your affair partner? Would you be single? At this point would your husband listen to you and consider your need for intimacy?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> A few months back I met a man in a similar position to myself and I have fallen completely in love with him.


That's called "the fog". You are not "completely in love" with someone after only 3 months. You do not even KNOW him at this point. You are both bending over backwards and "standing on your heads" to say all the right things and do all the right things. You won't be "completely in love" with this guy a few years down the line I'm betting.

Having said that, it sounds like you told your husband of your dissatisfaction, that it had to change, and it hasn't. Seems he has gotten fair warning (not for your cheating, but rather for you leaving). So do it. Leave. Don't justify your actions by using your kids. Your kids need to know how to be stand up people, and not how to live a sham of a life. And they're going to look to you to show them how to do that. If (and likely WHEN) they discover you were cheating on your husband (and them), they will either lose all respect for you, OR see this as an acceptable way to live a life.

My advice? Leave your husband now AND tell him you were having an affair. He has every right to know you've been exposing him to potential STD's. He also has every right to know what you've been up to so when your new "love" turns out to be a douche nozzle in 6 months, and you want to go back to your husband, he can make an educated decision on if he should let you back into his life.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Longwalk,

I agree that their are people who would argue that affairs can improve the quality of a person's life and even some who will claim that it can improve a marriage.

This is to be expected, human beings have an almost unlimited capacity to justify any choice or action they engage in. It is a necessity because most humans cannot OPENLY and KNOWINGLY admit they are choosing to do a wrong or injustice to another.

They always have to find an excuse that allows them to continue to see themselves as inherently good. Their bad actions only APPEAR to be bad, but actually aren't because of x,y, and z.

Its all selfish bs dressed up in logical sounding language to make the people who engage is such hurtful actions feel better about themselves, but it will not stand up to clear and unemotional rational analysis.

Real logic will expose how false and self-serving such drivel is.

In this situation, while Bubbles may still be in the fog of trying to justify her poor decision to have an A, at least she has not stooped to actually claiming it has made her life and marriage better to have done so.

She does appear to understand that the cheating is wrong, but she just cannot bring herself to openly admit that she was completely unjustified to choose this as a 'solution' to her obviously (based on her story) crappy marriage.

It's only effect will be to make the situation worse. Now, in addition to the mountain of problems her M had due to her H's ignorance and uncaring attitude, she has added a giant pile of crap with her cheating. They will now face even more problems they have to work through if there is any chance to save the relationship.

If the M was hanging by a thread beforehand due to H's unjustified denial of affection to his W, it it now definitely in need of last rights and on life support/death watch because she has added immensely to the problems.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dyokemm,

I agree with you. However, to go deeper into this moral choice consider the short story _A Painful Case _by James Joyce. Here is a link. Things are not so black and white in real life.

But as far as Bubbles goes two things need repeating:

One, she stated openly that she has not desire for a post D relationship with AP. She does not want him to end his marriage. He is only the person whom she connected with sexually, thus driving home the failure she has been in changing her husband.

So, please stop writing that she is in a fog over the other man. Or she will discover his true nature after she divorces. She has no great expectation there.

She is uncomfortable with the situation she is in, otherwise she would not come here for a moral whip lashing. Obviously, and she knows it. She should divorce her husband and end the farce marriage. She should break off the affair at once.

She should not beg her husband for sex. That is too unsubtle. If he wants to save their marriage and asks what he can do, she should only yes he can and she will cancel the divorce if he figures in out.

re: justification
The killing of that kid in Florida is a great example of people justifying what they want to be the moral lesson. A man with a gun stalks an innocent person on public property, frightens him into an altercation and then takes out a hidden weapon and shoots him down.

So, I agree people can put a spin on many things.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Longwalk,

I agree real life is not black and white.

But focusing too much on the ultimately subjective nature of almost every decision and action in life leads to nothing but intellectual paralysis.

In the end, life must go on and be actually lived. This forces us to finally have to make a judgement call on every situation we confront in life's journey.

Common standards of behavior have to be established by the community as a necessity for living. Our human nature will lead most of us to subjectively justify why we failed to abide by the commonly accepted moral/standard, but it should not be considered an acceptable excuse by the community as a whole.

No matter what rationalizations or reasons an offender puts forth, they cannot be excused from their actions because a community or society cannot survive if its members are allowed to become subjective, narcissistic, individuals each deciding when and where the common rules will apply to them.

Therefore, any arguments advocating or excusing the abandonment of common standards/principles can be dismissed out of hand as destructive of our common society.

I place all arguments that cheating can improve quality of lives and marriages in this category.

As to Bubbles, I never said she was in a fog over the OM. The fog I am referring to is her inability to objectively look at the circumstances of her marriage. She is still caught up in the subjective view of it that allows her to justify what she has done so that the only real issues she sees for her M are the major problems her H has. But this view conveniently allows her to sweep the real problems her cheating has now brought to the relationship under the rug. 

My view is that ALL the issues now need to be dealt with, and those from her infidelity are at least as large, if not larger, than her H's massive problems. 

I do not think she can see this point if she is still justifying the affair to herself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Mattmatt- I am sorry that your wife is ill and you are unable to have regular sex.* See, I could accept this if there was a medical reason but there is NOTHING wrong with him nada!* He seems to have plenty of excuses lined up though. I didn't set out to cheat on him, it happened and if things were good at home I would not have done this. I know I sound like an evil ***** but I read so many stories on here of what men do to get their wives to have sex with them...all the chores, free time so they are not tired, pampering etc.... are they mad?? I would kill to have a husband who wanted regular sex. I am sorry I know I sound bitter and angry that's because I am! I have given him the best years of my life and I feel as if I have missed out on so much and he is oblivious to it!


*That you know of...*


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

:iagree:


Dyokemm said:


> Longwalk,
> 
> I agree real life is not black and white.
> 
> ...


Agree with everything.

I didn't mean that you were saying that she is in a fog about the OM.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As I read through this, I feel more and more pain for the OMW. Bubbles, you know that your solution to your marital problems is dishonorable. Your dishonor is compounded, though, because your agony seems to be reserved for you and your own family. You blithely note that the OM is still having regular sex with his BW, his clueless, humiliated BW. The tragic fact is that you've been a major actor in the senseless pain that will be eventually visited on this woman. In my opinion, you should feel shame for that.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Tryingtorecover- the reason I am still here is financial, not sure how I would manage on my own and I don't want the children to have to go though their parents divorcing. As already commented it's not as if we ever had a good sex life, he has always been like this and so I feel as if it is my own fault for marrying him, why should they suffer because their mother wants sex? I am unhappy but not sure if my husband realises how unhappy I am, I just try to get on with things as best as I can.

Turnera- not in the fog, know what I am doing is wrong and not trying to justify it just stating a fact as to why I am doing it, if things were good at home I would have no interest in looking elsewhere......fact! If I tell my husband about the affair isn't that causing more harm than good? 

Lormayhem- not rewriting history just telling the truth. Sex with my husband is very good when it happens just very infrequent and feel as if I am begging for it or getting pity sex. Om isn't in a sexless marriage he has more regular sex with his wife.

mtpromises- if I leave my husband I don't expect OM to leave his wife. I would want to be on my own, being single doesn't frighten me, I almost lead a single life now. Not sure if my husband will listen to me as he thinks what we have is normal, I just feel as if I have given up with him, honestly can't see him changing.

donny64-thank you for your wise words. No chance of me giving my husband stds as we don't have sex . If I leave him there will be no coming and I would not be leaving him for OM, it would be for me.

Mattmatt- nothing wrong with my husband no medical conditions at all, very fit.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Mattmatt- nothing wrong with my husband no medical conditions at all, very fit.


It's not necessary "wrong", many low libido people are just fine as they are. It doesn't mean if he decided to test his testosterone levels they are likely below the "normal" (as habitual) levels.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Mattmatt- nothing wrong with my husband no medical conditions at all, very fit.


How do you know? Has your husband had a testosterone level test done? I doubt it very much. And even if he has that is not always accurate. I have a very good friend who was diagnosed with low T in his thirties. He was very fit, lifted weights, jogged, even had sex with his wife every week. But he frequently got tired. He figured he just wasnt sleeping well. Finally he went to his doctor and they ran some tests. The first round of tests revealed absolutely nothing. But he insisted they dig deeper. The second round of tests revealed that his testosterone levels were a little low. See the thing about T levels is that they are different for everyone. A "normal" testosterone level can be anywhere between 348 and 1197. But my normal level might be 700 and your husband's normal level might be 900. If he tested at 700 even though its considered normal it might be causing him issues. Furthermore if your husband tested at say 400 that would indicate he is normal. But what is normal in that case could be in comparison to an 80 year old man with type 2 diabetes. Furthermore some men have other "hidden" medical conditions that only manifest themselves later in life. These secondary conditions can also cause low T and may have been causing low T for the better part of his life after puberty. So saying your husband has no medical conditions is not a statement of fact. It is more a statement of justification.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Bubbles74 said:


> mtpromises- if I leave my husband I don't expect OM to leave his wife. I would want to be on my own, being single doesn't frighten me, I almost lead a single life now. Not sure if my husband will listen to me as he thinks what we have is normal, I just feel as if I have given up with him, honestly can't see him changing.


If in the end you decide to end things with your husband I would stay away from the OM only because of the history you two now share. I can totally relate to feeling like you're already living a single life. If you're husband absolutely won't listen then you have to decide how much longer you can deal with someone who's being stubborn. 

Lots of people wouldn't feel comfortable staying in a sexless marriage.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: In love with another man..don't think my husband has ever loved me.*



mtpromises said:


> If in the end you decide to end things with your husband I would stay away from the OM only because of the history you two now share. I can totally relate to feeling like you're already living a single life. If you're husband absolutely won't listen then you have to decide how much longer you can deal with someone who's being stubborn.
> 
> Lots of people wouldn't feel comfortable staying in a sexless marriage.


Totally agree. And if her husband does have a medical or emotional problem he is ignoring maybe being served divorce papers will wake him up to the reality of the damage he had caused. An affair serves no purpose other than to exacerbate that damage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Tryingtorecover- the reason I am still here is financial, not sure how I would manage on my own and I don't want the children to have to go though their parents divorcing. As already commented it's not as if we ever had a good sex life, he has always been like this and so I feel as if it is my own fault for marrying him, why should they suffer because their mother wants sex? I am unhappy but not sure if my husband realises how unhappy I am, I just try to get on with things as best as I can.
> 
> Turnera- not in the fog, know what I am doing is wrong and not trying to justify it just stating a fact as to why I am doing it, if things were good at home I would have no interest in looking elsewhere......fact! If I tell my husband about the affair isn't that causing more harm than good?
> 
> ...



Ok, you blame your affair on your affair but why ruin someone else's marriage ? Does the OM have kids ? Would you accept responsibility if their family breaks up because of the affair ? Why not separate and find a single guy ? 

Instead of confronting the issue and making it a do or die scenario for the relationship, you found it easier to have an affair. Is that what you are saying ? 

Have you considered that you have personality traits that turned your H off you ? (Like the one you exhibit in the forum)

You married him when you knew how he was. yet, you married and had kids with him. Now you cheat on him because he is the way he was. maybe a good time to look at yourself.

Who is the OM, how did you meet him and how much of the family money are you spending on him ?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I feel like I'm reading a thread from the cheater forum.   

It's despicable. Look at the title of this thread:

In love with another man..*don't think my husband has ever loved me*.

The BH has never loved this cheater? Yeah, right. The reason given for ruining two families is because the OP doesn't get enough sex, even though it's good when she does get it? 

The BH is convenient live in babysitter who helps pays the bills. He's been reduced to nothing but the provider, while the OM provides the fun and sex. She cheats for the classic reason: The BS drove her to do this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Tryingtorecover- the reason I am still here is financial, not sure how I would manage on my own and I don't want the children to have to go though their parents divorcing. As already commented it's not as if we ever had a good sex life, he has always been like this and so I feel as if it is my own fault for marrying him, why should they suffer because their mother wants sex? I am unhappy but not sure if my husband realises how unhappy I am, I just try to get on with things as best as I can.
> 
> Turnera- not in the fog, know what I am doing is wrong and not trying to justify it just stating a fact as to why I am doing it, if things were good at home I would have no interest in looking elsewhere......fact! If I tell my husband about the affair isn't that causing more harm than good?
> 
> ...


B1 on TAM thought he was very fit. But he never had sex with his wife, EI. It transpired he had an unsuspected hormonal medical condition. It was treated and guess what? He suddenly realised how incredibly desirable his wife is.

BTW, when are you going to befriend the OM's wife? I mean, you could do this. Take her out shopping, baby sit her children, go drinking with her, get to know her as a person. 

Some people thinks this adds spice to the cheating. After all, she is your cuckqueen, so you might as well make a bang up job of helping her husband cheat on her.

Who knows? You might even learn to like her. Perhaps ask her for a threesome?


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Bfree- yes you are probably right I would imagine he does have low T levels but you try getting him to a doctors to get checked out..he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.

Warlock-I met OM through work,although I don't actually with him. Not spending any family money on him...strange question why would I be? OM isn't happy with his wife ( o.k yes I know that's what he tells) he has already left her once a few years ago but went back as he missed his children. He doesn't see himself staying with her longterm and is going along with things until his children are old enough to leave as he doesn't want to miss out on them growing up. Things were like this before I came along.

Personality traits and what would they be then as you know me so well. The only personality traits I have is that I am full of anger and resentment towards my husband of being robbed of a normal healthy life. Yes, you are right I did marry him knowing what he was like but he promised me things would improve and I believed him. Everything else was so good I thought it was silly to end things because of that. I know how wrong I was now.


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Lordmayhem- would you be happy with sex a few times a year? Would that satisfy you? Well I wish my husband was the one providing the fun and the sex but he isn't. If I was a man the responses here would be so different.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bubbles74 said:


> Turnera- not in the fog, know what I am doing is wrong and not trying to justify it just stating a fact as to why I am doing it, if things were good at home I would have no interest in looking elsewhere......fact! If I tell my husband about the affair isn't that causing more harm than good?


You mean, doesn't that make things hard on YOU? Well, yeah, probably. Since YOU are the one CHEATING.

Go tell your dad what you are doing. See what he says.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bubbles74 said:


> Lordmayhem- would you be happy with sex a few times a year? Would that satisfy you? Well I wish my husband was the one providing the fun and the sex but he isn't. If I was a man the responses here would be so different.


 No, they wouldn't. They would be: tell your spouse you need sex. If spouse still refuses to give sex, then DIVORCE. 

THEN look for another partner. 

We have never, ever, to my knowledge, ever told someone to go ahead and cheat on their partner. The closest we have come is telling someone to ARRANGE (that means actually including the spouse in the decision) for an open marriage. If you wanted to do that, we'd be supporting you. As it is, all you want to do is get what you want, at your husband's expense, while TAKING YOUR HUSBAND'S MONEY.

What does that make you?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> The only personality traits I have is that I am full of anger and resentment towards my husband of being robbed of a normal healthy life. Yes, you are right I did marry him knowing what he was like but he promised me things would improve and I believed him. Everything else was so good I thought it was silly to end things because of that. I know how wrong I was now.


Again you are rewritting this despite the apareances (rationalizations). You knew he was this way while dating and during the engagement, yet you married him. You knew he was this way during the first years of the marriage, yet to started a family with him.
You warned him about your unhappiness around 2010, yet you stayed when he didn't change and stated he was just fine (as his usual self), and then you decided to change the woman you once were in order to stay.
All this is on you. All of this.
And here we are todau: he still claims to be fine as he is and yet you are now making excuses to keep intruding yourself in another family (which it's never excusable, never was in your mind before you gave up in yourself) taking at heart whatever narrative this man sells you; this time the excuses are borrowed and the BW (basicaly a non entity, a cartoon to you) is to blame.

This is what I get from your story if I accept it as you first wrote it here: you have been making dumb decisions after the other (maybe the reasons made sense somehow at the time, when you had different priorities) by marrying him, then starting a family with him, and the dumbest of all them is the decision to cheat becasue it means you finnaly gave up on yourself, now you are selling your soul and making a complete mess out of it. Don't you see how all those decisions have impacted you?
Girl, you were doing better at the start of this thread, you weren't censoring yourself, speaking your mind, since then you are just trying to defend yourself, defend the indefensible. And you know it.
It's time to stop and start weighting seriously how your decision making process is all wrong and start making better choices. In order to do so you need to clear the background noise, the distractions, the self medication, drug-like effect.
First and most evident is to stop cheating, stop defending it in any way shape or form, own your stuff. As long as you keep cheating you need to justify it so won't be able to give yourself a chance to think clearly. It's false you are trapped, it's false he's trapped. False. And you won't die if you go back to the sexless routine for a little while more before you take the right steps.
First stop, regain your integrity, your self respect, then decision time about the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Lordmayhem- would you be happy with sex a few times a year? Would that satisfy you? Well I wish my husband was the one providing the fun and the sex but he isn't. If I was a man the responses here would be so different.


Actually, they *would* be different. *

If you were a man cheating on a hapless wife my comments would have been so harsh that I might have risked getting banned.*


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> If I was a man the responses here would be so different.


Again this false and inmature bit. You claim to be a lurker so stop this nonsense. It's false. Don't you realize you got the same advice from women here?
It's what I was talking about, as long as you keep cheating your will come up with nonsense like this.
It's simply ridiculous, and false. It's the product of the need to defend yourself in the best case. At the worse you are trying to provoke here.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

If you were a man you not be fit for the name. Honor is not just for men. Integrity is not just for men. Being true to your word is not just for men. Understanding that your actions cannot be blamed in others you have decided you betray a person who has stood by you for years because if sex. 

You had choices you chose the one that satisfied your desires at the expense of your honor and you vows. We have few sacred commitments in life when you made your vows in front of your family and friends that was one if them. Your vows amount to the fact that you will be a partner, you will have his back, he would never need to doubt your intentions. You threw that away along with your morality.

I am not saying you should of stayed with him. In fact I would if left after one year if that crap. But cheating is a horribly cruel thing to do and yet your posts are all about how he drive you to it. You take no accountability for your actions. No accountability for the pain this is going to cause. Instead it is all about you and your sexual desires.

The OM wife has done nothing to you and yet you are contributing to an action that will scar her for life. A betrayal so massive it will forever taint all her future relationships. And yet you feel no sorrow for this. Where is your compassion for others? Where is your love for your fellow human beings?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CEL said:


> If you were a man you not be fit for the name. Honor is not just for men. Integrity is not just for men. Being true to your word is not just for men. Understanding that your actions cannot be blamed in others you have decided you betray a person who has stood by you for years because if sex.
> 
> You had choices you chose the one that satisfied your desires at the expense of your honor and you vows. We have few sacred commitments in life when you made your vows in front of your family and friends that was one if them. Your vows amount to the fact that you will be a partner, you will have his back, he would never need to doubt your intentions. You threw that away along with your morality.
> 
> ...




Will nobody think of the children and the other man's poor wife?

Well, Bubbles, *you* do not care about them. That's clear from what you have posted.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

CEL said:


> If you were a man you not be fit for the name. Honor is not just for men. Integrity is not just for men. Being true to your word is not just for men. Understanding that your actions cannot be blamed in others you have decided you betray a person who has stood by you for years because if sex.
> 
> You had choices you chose the one that satisfied your desires at the expense of your honor and you vows. We have few sacred commitments in life when you made your vows in front of your family and friends that was one if them. Your vows amount to the fact that you will be a partner, you will have his back, he would never need to doubt your intentions. You threw that away along with your morality.
> 
> ...


Cheaters don't have it, if they had it, they wouldn't become cheaters in the first place. Even truly remorseful cheaters, no matter how few of them are out there, have trouble grasping the intensity of pain caused by cheating. The OP here is not a remorseful one, so it is only expected that she will be lacking in these things.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

life101 said:


> Cheaters don't have it, if they had it, they wouldn't become cheaters in the first place. Even truly remorseful cheaters, no matter how few of them are out there, have trouble grasping the intensity of pain caused by cheating. The OP here is not a remorseful one, so it is only expected that she will be lacking in these things.


:iagree:

Bubbles = Remorse lite. (_All the cheating, none of the guilt_)


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## Bubbles74 (Jul 26, 2013)

Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


Unfortunately, I am not sure you are here asking for advice. People are giving you advice but it doesn't seem to be what you want to hear. It doesn't seem to bother you a whole lot that you are having sex with a married man while keeping your husband in the dark because you enjoy your current standard of living. In fact, you pretty much put all of the blame for the affair on your husband instead of owning it as your choice. I don't think there is much else to offer you. What do you want to hear? That it is ok, your husband and children deserve it, you deserve it, you lover's wife deserves it? Well, that's not what you are going to get here because that would be poor advice.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Lordmayhem- would you be happy with sex a few times a year? Would that satisfy you? Well I wish my husband was the one providing the fun and the sex but he isn't. If I was a man the responses here would be so different.


I've been here a long time, and you're completely wrong. And if it was a man, he would be crucified. In fact, there was one thread where the man was cheating, that it enraged many people, so much so, that there were multiple bans.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, what did you expect?!?! You come on a site where a LOT of people have been devastated by the same actions you are doing to your husband.

So, leave him! Tell him that you've been cheating on him and go be with the OM! Simple as that. I mean, that's what you want folks to tell you from the beginning. Tell the OM that you left your husband and your children to be with him. Now, he should leave his wife and kids to be with you and you can live happily ever after. 

But, I speculate that things aren't as bad as he says on his home front. I speculate that he told you what you WANTED to hear so he could get in your pants. You're probably thinking, " No, my OM wouldn't do that." Sure, guys NEVER lie! 

And even if he wasn't lying, he wouldn't leave his wife and kids because, unfortunately, guys get raped in divorce courts and if the OMW finds out he's leaving because he's been cheating with you, she'll be out for blood. 

He never says he loves you....you just know it. I wouldn't risked my marriage and my family on a hunch.

But, hey. Go be with the OM. There, someone said it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


You have not had abuse. See, the problem is you came here expecting for us to agree with you and to say: "Yeah. Your husband deserves to be cheated on, who cares about your lover's wife and their and your children? 'You go, girl!'"

But that's not going to happen.

I feel sympathy for you, I really, really do. But the cheating? It's got to stop. Really.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


If you don't find the advice helpful, it's because you don't want to listen. You're so deep in affair land, you refuse to see it. 

What you're really looking for is validation for your cheating, people to tell you that you shouldn't feel so bad, that you had no other choice but to cheat and fall in love with a married man. But you had choices. You're also helping ruin another family as well. You have not one iota of sympathy for his BW. Neither do you have any for your BH, because he doesn't have sex with you as often as you would like. Sorry, but I refuse to coddle your behavior and enable you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I know how wrong I was now.


You think you are right now ? I think you made this thread for a reason. You have guilt about the whole scenario and you cannot obviously argue with your husband about it. So are you arguing with your H by proxy ? What was your intention when you made this thread ? Reaffirmation ? 

What kind of advise are you looking for ? The kind that agrees with you ? You never answered the question about his kids.




> The only personality traits I have is that I am full of anger and resentment towards my husband of being robbed of a normal healthy life. Yes, you are right I did marry him knowing what he was like but he promised me things would improve and I believed him. Everything else was so good I thought it was silly to end things because of that. I know how wrong I was now.


Tell us a bit about your financial condition before you met him and after you met him. Also, tell us about your current contribution to the marriage financially ? Not looking to attack but it might give insight to your own view on things. Did you marry him because he was the right kind to marry and have kids with ?

Do you hate your Husband ?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


Ok, so you're going to play that card now? If you go back and see some of the posts I have "liked" in this thread, you would see that they are all ones you claim were "abusive"... like lordmayhem and turnera's posts. No, they were not abusive... not even remotely CLOSE to abusive. What they were doing is trying to wake you up. You, yourself, know that what you are doing is wrong. You know you are, and have been, cheating. You say you are not trying to justify it, but you are. You have said "well, anyone who has gone through this would do the same." No, not everyone would cheat on their spouses.

You are assuming that everyone here has been cheated on. Well, that is completely false. Yes, my husband cheated. But so did I. And you, unfortunately, are speaking just as I did when I was cheating. I rationalized it. I tried to make it seem like it was ok because he was "XYZ" (insert whatever lame excuse I came up with/rewriting).

You say you came here to get advice, and to get help. No. You came here to get validation that it was ok to cheat on your husband because you weren't having sex as much as you wanted. The answer is NO, it is NOT ok to cheat on your husband. That is the advice you were getting. That was not what you wanted to hear. Too bad. TAM, and more specifically, CWI, is not here to rationalize cheating on a spouse. We are here to get you to wake up, step up, and make the right decision. Maybe that right decision is to divorce. Maybe it isn't. But the right decision, whether sexless or not, is NOT to cheat on your spouse. You obviously know this, otherwise you wouldn't have come here, wouldn't have been lurking in the first place.

Now, you want some advice from a cheater? Do the right thing. Do the honorable thing. Either divorce your husband and find a man who is NOT MARRIED to have a relationship with...or stay with your husband and stop cheating on him. Either way, tell him the truth of your actions, and stop trying to rationalize this. We've all been there, done that, in some way or another. We know the score.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Well, what did you expect?!?! You come on a site where a LOT of people have been devastated by the same actions you are doing to your husband.
> 
> So, leave him! Tell him that you've been cheating on him and go be with the OM! Simple as that. I mean, that's what you want folks to tell you from the beginning. Tell the OM that you left your husband and your children to be with him. Now, he should leave his wife and kids to be with you and you can live happily ever after.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I agree with this. OM is apparently unhappy in the marriage but will not leave his wife. They still have sex on the regular so the marriage isn't on the ropes. My guess is that in this case unhappy = bored. He wanted some strange. He came across a married woman who would give it to him. Married women are safer because they are motivated to keep it all a secret.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


All the people here told you to either divorce your husband or stop cheating. They also told you that the OM should divorce his wife if he wants to be with you. You said that sex with husband is a problem and you like to have sex with the other man. So, for your happiness you and OM should both divorce and then be together. You want the sex but not divorce. Because, no matter how scarce the sex is, you get something out of staying in the marriage. Otherwise you wouldn't have stayed this long or have had a family. 

In life we all have to deal with the trade offs. You cannot just eat the cake and have it too. You are doing just that, without any consideration given to your BH, children, OMW, and OM's children. Calling you out on this is not abuse, but attempt to wake you up from your self imposed exile in the dreamland.

Ask yourself this question: what kind of example are you setting for your kids? Don't you want them to be honorable and truthful? If you are a decent mother, you will know the answer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

life101 said:


> All the people here told you to either divorce your husband or stop cheating. They also told you that the OM should divorce his wife if he wants to be with you. You said that sex with husband is a problem and you like to have sex with the other man. So, for your happiness you and OM should both divorce and then be together. You want the sex but not divorce. Because, no matter how scarce the sex is, you get something out of staying in the marriage. Otherwise you wouldn't have stayed this long or have had a family.
> 
> In life we all have to deal with the trade offs. You cannot just eat the cake and have it too. You are doing just that, without any consideration given to your BH, children, OMW, and OM's children. Calling you out on this is not abuse, but attempt to wake you up from your self imposed exile in the dreamland.


Excellent post.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


I don't see where any reply in your thread has been abusive. I think it's just a case of the truth hurts. I wouldn't want to be in your marriage either but do something constructive, rather than destructive, about it. Basically, s*it or get off the pot. Your kids will recover from a divorce. H*ll, my mom has been married and divorced three times and I'm doing fine. She was married and divorced two of those times by the time I was 16yo (in my 40s now) and those situations were the least of my problems growing up. The fact my parents hated each other until the day he died a couple years back was more damaging to me than their divorce. I just wanted happy parents, which would have made for a far better childhood, and couldn't have cared less about whether or not they were still together. I'm sure I was upset when they initially split up but I don't really remember anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


We gave you advice - STOP CHEATING. And DIVORCE YOUR HUSBAND. Neither of which you want to do.

It's just not what you wanted to hear. So I can see why you think it's not helpful.

You didn't come for advice. You came for justification. Some day you'll understand that. Years from now, when your life is in tatters, your reputation is ruined, your kids have distanced themselves from you and 'chosen' their dad, your looks are gone so no other OM are picking you any more, and all you have left is...what? Wanting sex? 

I hope you figure it all out sooner rather than later.

Oh, and btw, I have not been cheated on, no bitterness here. Just trying to save people from themselves.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And if you can't stop cheating on your husband, can you at least, please, stop cheating on the other man's poor, unsuspecting wife?


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you should end the marriage, clearly you are not happy with him.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*Bubbles:

Your husband has almost destroyed your marriage by not having sex.

And you have destroyed another marriage by having sex.*

(The D-Days in both marriages are still to unravel, and when they do, it could go either way).



Seemingly, better case scenarios would have been (in descending order):

•	You putting forth a clear caveat in front your husband: more frequent sex / sex therapy or divorce.

•	You putting forth a clear caveat in front your husband: more frequent sex / sex therapy or an open marriage.

•	Open marriage (unbeknownst to your husband), but you hook up only with single men.

•	Open marriage (unbeknownst to your husband), and you pair up with a married man.

•	Open marriage (unbeknownst to your husband), and you pair up with a married man with children.

Your chose the last *(worst)* option.
(they do have children, right?)


Q:
If the OM would leave his wife, would you leave your husband for him? If you would, you should leave him anyway (whether or not the OM leaves his wife). *Because he (or any other man) deserves more than that.

Just as you (or any other woman) deserve a sexually and emotionally fulfilling marriage.*


(Of course, the word ‘leave’ is easy, while the action entails a whole life change. And I don’t know whether I would be up to it. It’s so easy to advice others, I guess. I confess my hypocrisy.)



By the way, lady, your lack of empathy for the OMW is really startling.

Overall, you seem supremely unaffected by the wrong done to her (what she doesn’t know, wouldn’t hurt her and all that?), and her children. As though they're just some shadows in the backdrop.


From the OMW’s POV:
She could be an STD threat to me. She downgraded me to my husband’s Plan B. She could shatter my children’s home and family life. What do I care if her husband does not have sex with her enough? Shouldn’t she get some toys and be more self-sufficient or something, instead of using my husband as her dildomat? *Her husband wouldn’t do her, so she takes revenge on ME?

*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Bubbles, not sure if you're still reading this or not... But I'm a guy who was in your situation. Sexually unsatisfying marriage, cheated to try to "hang on" in my marriage till the kids were old enough, etc.

From my experience, you need to decide to either force things in your marriage or you need to end it. By forcing it, I mean giving up the OM, confessing to your husband so he knows the truth about how bad things are, and then working through whatever therapy or process the two of you decide on. But both of you would have to be fully committed to doing what's required to fix things, including your husband willing to get things checked out physically as well as committed to working with you (at some point) to recognize his part in the demise of your marriage "pre-affair". The heavy lifting in dealing with the pain and fallout of the affair will be your cross to bear.

My experience with having an affair... It drove an even bigger wedge between my wife and I than even the lack of sex did, as I invested my emotional currency into my affair partner. I was also on the road to getting caught, even though I thought I was so smart. It also didn't address the core issues... A romp in the sack once every week or two doesn't make up for no intimacy (sex or otherwise) the other 90% of the time. 

In the end, it took me about 6 weeks to realize I was using a band-aide on a gunshot wound, and I needed to end the marriage. I ended my marriage without ever telling my wife that I had cheated on her. I suspect she suspected, but she never asked me if there was someone else; I don't think she wanted to know. And in actuality, I ended the marriage after my affair ended, so I wasn't leaving my marriage for the other woman. I was leaving my marriage for me. 

Anyway, stop cake-eating. End the marriage or end the affair. Living in limbo will simply consume more of your life to no advantage to anyone. If you would have given your husband 6 months to demonstrate the sincerity of his changes back in 2010, as others have said in this thread you would be in a healthy place 2 years post-separation/divorce, and well in your way to a happier place. You would also have your integrity intact, something neither you or I can ever claim again.

Oh... And I think one reason my kids have adjusted so well post-separation is because my wife and I are amicable. I think it would be a totally different story if my affair would have blown up in my face. Keep that in mind... Things become much much messier when emotions become hurtful.

C


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


You've not received abuse- you've received piercing light- the truth. 

One of your many problems is that you equate "abuse" with "anything I don't like". 

If you don't reevaluate that way of thinking you're in for a very rough life.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *Bubbles:
> 
> Your husband has almost destroyed your marriage by not having sex.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Bubbles,

The above post is very analytical, offering resolutions with ethical evaluations. You cannot say that this is accusatory.

If some of the posts sting, don't shut yourself.

There are sites that approve of affairs. Here is a thread on the question guilt towards BS. You can study that site and compare it with TAM.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I've been here a long time, and you're completely wrong. And if it was a man, he would be crucified. In fact, there was one thread where the man was cheating, that it enraged many people, so much so, that there were multiple bans.


LM has a point. You are actually being treated with kid gloves by the males here to avoid exactly the charge you so easily make. 

I am not going to bother anymore.

I was in a similar position to you Bubbles. For 20 years, so please don't lecture me about not understanding the pain and rejection of a person who is asexual . BTW she cheated on me and left in an exit affair. 

What you are doing is reprehensible. There is not a single word you say that can justify your behavior. 
Tick them off..

1. You are cheating on your husband .
2. You are lying to your children
3. You are the other woman in another marriage and destroying it. 
4. You are exposing your husband. The OMW to STD's. 

You have no idea how many partners or how many affiars this man has had. What he says can not be trusted and more than 
you can not be trusted. You are no longer the person you thought you were. This is you.

As far as bitter. Affairs cause suicide attempts and major mental breakdowns of not only adults, but of children. Your children. The OM's children.
I have seen it over and over again here and all these have touched me in the last two years. 

Watch your thoughts; they become words. 
Watch your words; they become actions. 
Watch your actions; they become habits. 
Watch your habits; they become character. 
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. 

What is your destiny going to be Bubbles?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm not sure if this is real or not or if the OP will be coming back. But there are a lot of lessons to be learned from this thread. Here are my thoughts.

Marriage takes effort. Sometimes it's hard work and sometimes it's tedious. But if you commit to your spouse fully and go all into the marriage, the odds of it being truly rewarding are significantly higher.
You need to tend to the fire to keep it burning. When you get lazy about your marriage, you will suffer the repercussions. Hopefully, they are little more than your spouse giving you an earful about what's bothering him/her and putting plans together to fix the issues. Divorce is less desirable, but at least it would be an acceptable moral result. Cheating is also a possibility. It's not morally acceptable, but it's a potential "solution" that an upset spouse may pursue.
Without communication, you will not be able to fix an issue let alone know that an issue exists.
It's better to live honestly and single than to be married and living a lie. The kids will know one way or another.
If you sacrifice yourself for the sake of the kids, who will be left to take care of them? You cannot have a strong family without a strong foundation. Mom and Dad are supposed to be the strong foundation. Sacrificing love for the sake of the family erodes the foundation.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

BashfulBull said:


> Badbane why are you turning this back on the husband? If he's low drive there are alot of medical reasons why he could be. Why do you jump to the conclusion that he is a cheater like his so-called wife?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well sometimes there are people who are low drive and there are people who go hire transsexual prostitutes because they are hiding their true nature. That is a story from a flesh and blood person I met who had a "perfect marriage." Plus the leading two lives total separation of affection. I mean low drive is one thing but there is not affection between them at all. Which to me seems odd since most people even in a low drive situation still want affection and validation form their partner. just because someone has an Affair doesn't make them evil or inhuman it just makes them selfish. neither one of them are doing anything to resolve the issues in the marriage. I don't think cheating is right in any sort of way. But the OP is at least remorseful and is coming here for help to try and figure out what she should do with her marriage. I have read plenty of stories where is it pretty evident that something is up on both sides of the fence here. If I were the OP I would make sure the LS wasn't acutally a WS. Wouldn't you?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OK here's two cents. My last marriage was sexless for 10 years or more (I had to stop counting lol). I cheated on her, yes I did. Weird part is she also cheated on me, but with a woman, so it's a weird story. And by the way, that's NOT justification.

If life had Mulligans like golf does, I'd do it completely different. There's nothing good that comes out of this either in the flesh or spritiually.

I've also been cheated on in every LTR I've been in, geez. Three times the OM was married. So it's not that uncommon, at least from my POV. 

But the fact remains that you have broken your vows; whether you think your H has or not isn't even a factor here. The vows, and your previous life experience with him showed you exactly what you were getting into and exactly what you were promising your life to. When it didn't turn out to be ideal, you shifted blame to your H, and *walked out of your marriage*. 

Yup, you've already divorced your heart from this marriage, and because of a lousy sex life. I get that, as you can read from the above. But it's absolutely the WORST way of going about fixing things. I came to expect it, after all those years of being cheated on. I fell into the same patterns. You had a chance, before you started justfiying your actions, to stay true to your self ("Unto thine own self be true" Shakespear) and you blew it. It's going to take you a while to forgive yourself, don't you think? It took me a while. I'm not proud of any of it, but in my 20s I just wanted to get as much as I could because I'd been cheated on. And in later years I knew it was only a matter of time. Self fulfilling prophecy.

You're 39, and most people, regardless of gender, do some serious life analysis at that age. Call it mid-life crisis or whatever you want, but we have to realize that we're not 20-something any more. Or even 30-something. I'm a very experienced 39 year old... my fWW did her MLC to an extreme, with a married man while she was single, hoping he'd leave his family to be with her. It was a total disaster, and your situation will be too. Even if neither BS ever finds out. 

You didn't come into this relationship thinking you'd cheat, did you? And if the shoe were on the other foot (including being OMW), how would you feel? 

Please do what everyone else has told you, and read posts like this from other former cheaters and married folks. Nobody here is going to condone cheating, even with a lousy marriage, so don't put those expectations out there on this group and call us insensitive because we don't align with your thinking. Wrong website. Do the right thing, and do it not only for your own sexual health and well being, self esteem and other things that tend to go along with it (I get it, I really do), and come clean to your husband. He doesn't know what kind of hell he's living in right now, and it's at *YOUR *hands. It's up to you to heal him. Don't you want to heal your husband so you can grow old with him, just like you always wanted to do?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Lordmayhem- would you be happy with sex a few times a year? Would that satisfy you? Well I wish my husband was the one providing the fun and the sex but he isn't. *If I was a man the responses here would be so different.*


Bullsnot. 

If you were a man they would be the same. Open up any thread with a male OP.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> I think that people tend to be more sympathetic when men are not getting sex from their wives. Men need sex and although the general consensus is that it is wrong to cheat there is more of a sympathy towards them, a kind of well what do you expect if he's not getting it at home attitude. But the other way around and you should put up with it.
> 
> Clearly, I haven't learnt anything from all my years of lurking here. Although I have told my husband how unhappy I am and how I don't see the marriage lasting if things don't change(2010) he feels it is acceptable to continue in this manner. I didn't deliberately set out to cheat on him. I have tried to make things better with my husband, I don't want to divorce him. I have needs and they are not being met in the marriage. What happened happened and I wish I could have a full marriage with my husband but not sure if this is going to happen. If it was the other way around I would worried that my husband would be looking elsewhere and actively doing something to stop this yet he doesn't seem to care?
> 
> I don't see why I should let my husband decide what he wants to do with me? What about what I want to do with him? Why should I put up with living like this. *Have you any idea what it feel like to go months and months without sex, nothing, no kissing no touching, how **** that makes me feel as a woman. I feel like some kind of freak.* So please don't judge me until you have had to live like this.


I got to this post before I had to post. I was trying to get to the end but had to address this.

Yes I do. I didn't have sex with my ex wayward wife for a year and a half. NO FORM of affection. And it was barely there for the year and a half prior to that. Turns out she was cheating on me for those 3 years .

But guess what. I never even THOUGHT about cheating. I even had a hot little 24 year old trying to get me and I refused, didn't even kiss the girl. NOTHING. See I wouldn't let my sexual urge (animalistic) override my integrity (my thoughts). The key to being a human is our thoughts are stronger than our instincts (or they SHOULD be).

So yes...thank you. I've been where you were and it sucks. That's why you realize the relationship isn't good and divorce. THEN go out and have all the sex you want. My ex wife would tell you I was not sexual at all. My CURRENT wife would tell you the opposite. Because we're all creatures of our surroundings and response to different stimuli. Your husband may be responding to you. I don't know.

So stop justifying your cheating. That's all your doing. So, you're in a sexless, affectionless marriage....there's an easy solution. DIVORCE. Cheating is just wrong. Would you set up a stranger to go to prison in order to get $5,000? Because what you're doing to the father of your children is akin to the same behavior. You're betraying a human being and making them deal with years of pain and issues to get a cheap thrill.

I don't think you're an evil person. But I think you're making awful choices. It IS a choice.

And to everyone talking about the difference between men and women on here and their response. Get over yourself. This is one of the LEAST gender based perception areas I've ever seen. WH get bashed as hard as WW equally.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Mattmatt- I am sorry that your wife is ill and you are unable to have regular sex. See, I could accept this if there was a medical reason but there is NOTHING wrong with him nada! He seems to have plenty of excuses lined up though. I didn't set out to cheat on him, it happened and if things were good at home I would not have done this. I know I sound like an evil ***** but I read so many stories on here of what men do to get their wives to have sex with them...all the chores, free time so they are not tired, pampering etc.... are they mad?? I would kill to have a husband who wanted regular sex. I am sorry I know I sound bitter and angry that's because I am! I have given him the best years of my life and I feel as if I have missed out on so much and he is oblivious to it!


And he has given to you as well. Now, it wasn't EVERYTHING you needed, and that's a problem, but it's not like he has given you NOTHING. You need to regain the full picture of what this man is, provider?, father? friend?.

Yes, you need to divorce, because you two aren't compatible in a CRITICAL part of marriage, but don't turn your BH into a horrible monster so you don't feel guilt.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

Read the OP in this thread...

Before you decide to leave. Read my story.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bubbles74 said:


> Thank you all for your posts. I came here for advice and help and I feel that's all I have received is abuse. It is clear that many people here have been cheated on themselves and I can understand that it must be difficult to read my posts but I am not finding any of this helpful anymore.


You are getting help and advise.

Step 1.
Stop cheating

Step 2
Address the REALITY of your cheating

Step 3
Reset your perceptions about your marriage once the cheating fog clears

Step 4
If you are truly unhappy with your husband help get him in counseling, you get in counseling and put your kids in counseling and separate as amicably as possible.

Step 5
Wait an appropriate time before dating someone else.

Step 6
Find a hot man, after you're single again, and screw like rabbits. Explore all of the strange and unusual sexual antics you only dreamed of before. 

THAT'S what you should do.


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