# Husband Cheated now I feel responsbile for the Childrens pain



## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

My story is a long one so I thought I'd start out with a summary of where I am and hopefully get enough discussion where I can get some sound advice as well as give more information about my situation. 
Basically this is my second marriage. Between the two of us we have 5 children. He has two and I have two and we have a 1 year old together. I divorced my first husband after emotional abuse, cheating and he was a terrible father. I waited 6 years before introducing my children to anyone. I was carefull and sensative to who they felt. I made mistakes along the way but as a single mother of two I thougt I was doing my best. After dating and enjoing single life, I thought my children needed stabilty and a father figure. I carefully and relectunclty joined a dating website and ended up meeting my current husband. He's very educated, articulate, funny, dedicated father, handsome, he's an Attny by trade but was also in seminary school to become a preacher. Involved with his church, involved with his community, good family and always treated me with respect. After almost two years of dating ( or less ) I introduced him to my children. After a few weeks , I met his and the relationship got closer and closer and here we are 6 years or so later, married with a baby. 
What I've learned in the past year and half about this man is that all of the things I thought were admirable about him were all a lie. Everything I thought that was ...wasnt. 
* he cheated on me with some of the women in church
* he cheated on me with women he met when he went on his infamous golf trips
* he cheated on me with women from his seminary school
* he cheated on me ( and what brought all of the above to light ) with the women she cheated on his first wife with. 
Come to find out it was not that they "were not getting along" he had an affair with this woman and left his wife and two small children for her. 
She used him, treated him and his children ( in his words ) like second class citizens. Seems like as soon as he was no longer married and she got him full time she was not happy. 
They break up , I enter the picture and 6 years in.......she's back in my picture this time. She's married now, has a daughter and cheating. I found out because my husbands computer was hacked and hundreds of emails both work and personal were sent out to all his contacts including emails he exchanged with her. Emails of expressions of their undying love for one another, emails where he asked her over and over to marry him. He offered to buy her a ring and even though they were both married to others "in his heart" she would be his wife and he would be honered. She declined the ring but told him a purse would be cheaper and the educated, attny, preacher FOOL bought her a LV purse. This is just one of many emails that were disclosed between them. He often expressed his undying love and they would go out to expensive dinners and cheap hotels. His plan ( their plan ) was to do to his second family what he did to his first. Leave. His children who by this point are very very close to me were not a though. My children were not a thought and neither was our baby. Emails were more descriptive as I read more and get got caught. 
NOW .......I confront him, he has no choice but to admit what is written in black and white and after two days of screaming and crying HE begged me to find a way for us not to break up the family. For US to see how we can work this out so that WE dont destroy our family. He CANT face his children and hurt them again, he CANT leave his baby and BEGGED. He was exposed. She was exposed for the mistress she's always been and now everyone is in hiding. ALL of the children ( expect for my baby ) look to me with tears in their eyes. My oldest who knows the most to the youngest who suspects wrong doing. Children are nervous and guards are up. He is acting like things can go right back to normal so as long as he continues to pay for everything and support the family. He acts with me llike he's walking on eggs shells and like we went through a small bumb in the road and we can get through this. I have been unable to speak, to eat, to laugh, to cry , to sleep. I have not said a word until I came accross this website. I dont want to talk, pray, or go to counseling. I barely make it to work. I dont say anything ever. Im at a loss for words to describe just how I feel. My story is a long one. There is so much I can say although it sounds like I've said so much. Oh yes, since my baby was 2 mths old, we were in counseling because his communication with me was so poor. Every week he was there before I was. Come to find out , the entire time before and after we started going to counseling, he was cheating the entire time. Lieing every single session, every single day to me. He did not just cheat. He had a long on going love affair with the same mistress AND he cheated with other women in between but now BEGS ME to help the family stay together. I need to say more but if anyone reads this and has comments or better yet questions, I will explain more. Sorry for the rambling but this is just 5 weeks old and Im as confused and hurt as if it were one day old. 
I can’t begin to tell you how isolated I feel. I have 5 children at home all coming in and out of the home at different times. I don’t know when I can break down and when I cant. I have zero desire ( at the moment) to speak to a counselor. I feel like I need a 4 hrs session or for her to come live with me if possible. I’m constantly questioning my actions. What should I do next, how should I react, what should I say. Funny but it doesn’t help that he is in begging mode. It makes me feel like the ownership of this ordeal is on me and now I have to "save" the family??I don’t want to have a discussion with him regarding next steps really. Its more about my feelings on this whole thing. First day I was so angry and I was screaming, every day after that has been on protecting my children mode and crying every chance I get to be alone. I have not sat down and calmly discussed how I feel. It happened, I screamed, I cried then he begged and now I’m just going through the motions of living so my kids don’t feel the effects. In essence I’m taking the bullet for all of it and I feel lost inside. You can’t imagine the amount of lies that went on in this relationship. Everything that I thought was solid was all fake. This man is not only a lawyer but a preacher and I believed and trusted EVERYTHING he said. When I was 7 mths pregnant he walked into our room and said "we are making a mistake" . Just like that out of the blue. Come to find out a few weeks ago, he said that because he started his affair then . Countless conversations about trust and honestly out the window. All of it was fake. I sit and watch this man preach at church and I start to wonder if it’s me that’s crazy. The emails that went back and forth were a constant love affair that went against EVERYTHING he speaks about in church, to me, and to friends??? I want to laugh because it sounds like I’m talking about a Life Time movie but I’m not. He's on antidepressants, He's been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 7 years, he is cheating and begging at the same time. If you saw him you'd NEVER think in a million years this man has so many issues. 
It’s bad enough he cheated on me whenever anyone gave him the opportunity but on top of that he had a love affair with his ex-mistress to the point he asked her to marry him and told her he resented me. All the while he's telling me he never wants to leave home and wants to raise his son . All the while he's cheating on me with his mistress, he's also cheating on his mistress with random women in between. NOW I am the one holding the bag with this man. 
Do I stay for the kids and just not care what the hell he does ?
Do I confront this woman? 
My therapist did say to make sure I don’t act out while I’m angry. She says, I need to make sure I’m not telling him to leave just to screw him over and punish him emotionally for what he did to me so he'll suffer because in turn who I'll be hurting in the end are the kids. She says, in war there is always a grave to dig and in my case there will be 5 graves. 
ok..........BUT WHAT ABOUT ME??? 

oh yes, he also told me he wanted to kill himself at the thought of losing his children again for the 3rd time and almost ran his car into an oncomming truck. - no pressure for me I see.

I've asked him to have a sit down with me next week. This week is my daughters birthday and she has a sleepover etc. I dont want to put a damper on her birthday week. I dont really want to discuss our next steps as much as I want to be heard. I feel like I keep so much inside and other then this forum, my sister and one of my friends I dont talk. I dont know how much I'll get out of him but if for nothing else I need to let it out. His responce was the following: 

"We can talk and I will try to answer whatever questions and you can let me know how you want to proceed and we can discuss where we go" 

Clearly this man wants to put the ownership on me ( hence why i titled my post like I did) . He wants it to be ME that decides to stay or go. He wants to walk away saying, "she wanted to break up". Im not going to let him off that easy. I didint do any of this. I was protecting and loving my family while he was out doing everything with everyone now he wants to know how I WANT TO PROCEED


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Expose to the other man's wife and the church congregation!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I worried about my children for so long. It kept me married and miserable for a long time. 

Now I'm sorry I waited. My kids are ok. As long as their activities and home Didnt change much and I told them the truth when they asked questions, they seemed secure.

DON'T drag them into your drama. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, THEY CARE ABOUT THEIRS.

They are children, yes, but we forget to give them credit for being sensible people too. If they know they are loved and that people are human and make mistakes, they are learning life's lessons.

If you stay with your husband, he will not change. He is a serial cheater and a terrible liar. He will hurt you and your Holden more (IN MY OPINION) in the long run.

You should not pay for his mistakes longer then you have to.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's a con artist, fake narcissistic and sociopath. He won't, can't change. 
I wonder why 7 years of psych? Are we talking about meds or psychotherapy?
Main BH needs to be informed, all those BHs need. Church needs to be informed, seminary too.

Talk to a lawyer ASAP, document everything, get an STD test ASAP. Don't forget to drink plenty of water, electrolytes, force youself to eat some, don't hesitate to go to the doctor.
I'm sorry friend, take the garbage out.
Things need to be done.


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## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

My gut also tells me he will continue to do this over and over. Its like I dont learn. I stayed in my first marriage for the kids and was miserable now Im doing this to myself again. I believe I'll "get there" but right now Im trying to stop the bleeding. Reality is I know I cant live like this forever. Not trusting anything that comes out of his mouth and his golf trips and client meetings. What I wish is for him and this person to stay together and both live a miserable life. 

At the end of the day, I know my instincs are right, he'll never change and he is a serial cheater and a LIAR to the core and thats not going to change. Its getting to that decision point that is SO HARD. 

He helps with the kids, and their activities and Im so broken I need the help right now. For how long can I live like this.......not sure


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Expose this to the OWH and to his congregation, as suggested above.

Then, please stop feeling like you are truly stuck. He is a coward and a serial cheater. He has brought children into the world that he cannot possibly mentor because his own moral compass is so broken.

Get the divorce started. He will never change. Your children will not just survive, they will be OK once they are safely out of a toxic situation.

You are responsible for the children. That is a given when you have them. What you are not responsible for is the image that they have of their father. I would divorce and if they are too young for the infidelity story, I would tell them the standard - that you both love them, but no longer can live together. When they are old enough, you should tell them the truth about their father.

He's a very serious serial cheater. This spells misery forever. Please get out sooner rather than later.


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## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

Yes he is most certainly a fake. You would NEVER think it if you saw him. Defenitley a sociopath. Agree, I dont think he's capabale of changing. 7 years of psych WITH MEDS. Takes two antidepressents a day for the past 7 years. NO CHANGE. 
Most everyone was informed since his computer was hacked and all of his contacts were informed. Im sure, church, felow attnys, his ex wife, the mistress ex wife were all sent these emails.


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## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

sorry the mistress ex husband and his ex wife both informend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bacagain said:


> Yes he is most certainly a fake. You would NEVER think it if you saw him. Defenitley a sociopath. Agree, I dont think he's capabale of changing. 7 years of psych WITH MEDS. Takes two antidepressents a day for the past 7 years. NO CHANGE.
> Most everyone was informed since his computer was hacked and all of his contacts were informed. Im sure, church, felow attnys, his ex wife, the mistress ex wife were all sent these emails.


What about the husband of the ex?


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## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

I dont know. He told me it was hundreds of people . He mentioned his ex, her ex. Not current husand. It was his contacts so I doubt he's in his contacts?? 

She's a serioul cheater as well. She disrespected his first marraige now did it again with his second marriage. While she's single she stays away. Only when he is married does she appear. All the while keeping her saftey net set at home and accepting gifts from my idiot husband in between.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

bacagain;4152162
She says said:


> For the second time in about a week I'm actually dizzy from reading someone's post. I am so sorry you're going through this right now, and believe me, a lot of what you wrote I CAN relate too!
> 
> I think what your therapist said wasn't quite appropriate. I mean, the BSs that I know of don't leave their spouse to "punish" the WS; they leave (at least, for a while) to clear their heads...to get clarity of the situation...or the end a relationship that more than likely, will never work.
> 
> ...


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## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

Thank you all so much. This is better then seeing my therapist who I try every week to cancel. 

I think he's been exposed to everyone in his contact list and Im sure those people have told other people. 

My biggest hang up........my son. He's the only boy, he's only 1 1/2 and whenever I think of how he was just cheated on as well I die inside. 

His own daughters who have been through so much already. its just terrible. 

I dont think I'll get 100% truth out of him. I think my talk is more about me then it is about him. 

Did I mention in my post that there are others?? I mean in between his affair he had one night stands all over the place. Dont know how many but there were enough. 

He's exposed and thats is my only respite right now. At least he cant hide and say "oh we were having issues". He's an attny and knows how to play with words. 

Im sure you were dizzy reading my post. Im dizzy writing and thinking. I so disapointed I cant even get my thoughts in order. I ramble at times but I appreciate the support. MORE THEN YOU ALL KNOW!


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## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

- should I confront her?
- Is it possible for me and him to be friends later? I mean we always get and got along. Is that realisitic?
- Should the kids they are all enough to understand be told together? 
-should I just suck it up and live as "roomates" till my son is off to school? 
- is it possible to live sepearate lives but live under same room for cost reasons and the children?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

I just read you thread, and I'm so sorry you have been dealt this blow. Reading about your husband, his behavior sounds totally pathological and irreparable. I can't see any scenario in which a man like that learns his lesson and spends the next 40 years happily and faithfully married... well, maybe if he was castrated, but that might not be so fun for you.

You mentioned dreading seeing the therapist. You may want to try a new one. Therapists have really varied approaches. I dumped one because all she did was hammer me about my less than awesome childhood, and it was unproductive and upsetting. Every week I found myself looking for an excuse not to go. I've got a new one and she's great.

Your questions about co-habitating, remaining friends, etc. are largely up to what you both can stomach. How will you feel sharing a roof with him while he is out on the prowl? Personally, I would ask him to stay somewhere else for the foreseeable future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bacagain said:


> - should I confront her?


No do not confront her. What for? You know the truth. She will only lie and try to make herself superior to you. She did not cheat on you he did. This is between him and you. She’s nothing. She’s nobody. Do not give her an ounce of your time… except to make sure that her husband gets every one of the emails. He has the right to know that his marriage is a lie.


bacagain said:


> - Is it possible for me and him to be friends later? I mean we always get and got along. Is that realisitic?


Friends? You want to be friends with a man how has done this to you? Do you mean fiends like you invite him over for dinner? Do things iwht him? Or fiends in that you don’t hate him but can be civil to him?

You need to learn to be civil with him in regards to dealing with your child. Beyond that, no why would you be friends with a peso like him?


bacagain said:


> - Should the kids they are all enough to understand be told together?


Yes, tell them all together so that they have each other’s support. Tell them that it’s not their fault and you will always be there for them.


bacagain said:


> - should I just suck it up and live as "roomates" till my son is off to school?


No


bacagain said:


> - is it possible to live sepearate lives but live under same room for cost reasons and the children?


Yes it’s possible. Why would you want to? You could never move on with your own life. You would also be teaching your children that it’s ok to cheat and that this is what marriage is. Is this the lesson you want to teach your children?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Get tested for STDs before you do anything else!


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## bacagain (Sep 9, 2013)

No, I cant see how he’s going to have a “wake up” call and be a happily and faithfully married man either. I’d be in full blown denial if I hoped for that. He admits he never loved his first wife of 17 years and cheated on her the entire time. Even on their wedding day! I SHOULD HAVE WOKE UP WITH THIS STORY!! Its true what they say, the writing is on the wall very early on in the relationship so pay attention! 

Your right, why confront her and give her that much importance. I guess its me trying to punch back but its not going to do any good. She is nothing and a nobody so I should leave her as that. I don’t want to be friends over dinner. Just civil so the kids don’t fall into this vicious cycle of fighting. I don’t want to teach my kids any of this is ok and I deserve to move on with my life. I don’t know what it is that even makes me think that is possible? Maybe fear of going back to this divorced life. Financial reasons play a factor as well. 

Whats interesting about the hurt of an affair is that out of the terrible horrible pain there is some strange relief. The relief of “well now I know” . I no longer find myself wondering what does this mean or what does that mean. I use to worry and drive myself nuts about the what if ALL THE TIME. Now that I know and as much as it kills me……….I no longer care about the what if. It’s a terrible way to find relief but its better than driving myself crazy wondering.


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