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## 350179 (Jun 23, 2021)

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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years now. He’s cheated on me more than once. As a woman, I naturally forgave him, thinking things would get better. I asked him if he’s been talking with other women’s and the answer was no. When I get a hunch about him cheating, I’m always right. That hunch is now back. I don’t want to go back through the path of calling it out, both of us crying, we may be good for a little while and then carrying on again as if nothing has happened. I have fallen out of love with this man. He disgusts me. I no longer like him touching me, around me, kissing me or even to look at me. We haven’t had sex since two weeks. I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. I’m going to get tested this month, since knowing he has the calling of being a dog. He try’s to touch me aka signaling for sex and I now hate it. I hate the way he comes straight from work and wants to get it on, without showering or at least cleaning up. I’m a clean/neat freak 80% of the time, so everything gross me out. I am 33 years of age. I know I’m all over the place but this is how I’m feeling right now. I feel at this point of my life, I need space and to live in my own air without being in a marriage/relationship.
> Help/advice?


If you are looking for permission to end the marriage, you will get plenty of it here. 

If you cannot see any way for the marriage to improve or the ability and desire to do some VERY hard work to get a better marriage, then it's best to end it. There is no point staying in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage, then down the road wishing you didn't waste your life on this man. 

Part of the reason you're here is because you've rug swept all of his affairs. That never, ever works.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

He sounds like a lousy husband so kick him to the curb!


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

I'd prepare for the divorce as much as possible. You'll have time and the advantage of surprise. Talk to that kind of consultant in your area and make a plan ASAP. If you don't want to do that go into marriage counselling because maybe this is stuff he should hear and change might be possible. Eg. you could set a rule that he comes home from work and has a shower if he smells and has dinner with you and pays attention to you and then you have sex at the agreed time. A counsellor may help communicate that you both have different priorities and you like cleanliness. But it sounds like it goes beyond that. I feel once someone is disgusted by another person rational discussion can never convince them that they are attracted to that person again. It's about feeling rather than thinking.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

You are not required to forgive or forget...Do whatever works best for you!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> I naturally forgave him


Wtf?


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## 350179 (Jun 23, 2021)

The tough part is taking the actual getting divorced and out for good step. I do care very much about his well being because he will be a lost puppy without me. We’ve invested the time in our relationship. We don’t own anything together. I’m really thinking about parting ways by next year if not sooner only due to finances and not wanting to blindside him. He gets really defensive when I talk about separating or us needing space. I will really have to plan it out and cease all communications. Even through the mutual people we are connected with. A whole lot to consider. Very stressful but I know I won’t be stressed once out.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> I feel at this point of my life, I need space and to live in my own air without being in a marriage/relationship.
> Help/advice?


My advice, listen to your feelings. You are way too young for this BS.


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## 350179 (Jun 23, 2021)

CharlieParker said:


> My advice, listen to your feelings. You are way too young for this BS.


Amen to that!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> The tough part is taking the actual getting divorced and out for good step. I do care very much about his well being because he will be a lost puppy without me. We’ve invested the time in our relationship. We don’t own anything together. I’m really thinking about parting ways by next year if not sooner only due to finances and not wanting to blindside him. He gets really defensive when I talk about separating or us needing space. I will really have to plan it out and cease all communications. Even through the mutual people we are connected with. A whole lot to consider. Very stressful but I know I won’t be stressed once out.


You need to start worrying more about your wellbeing, and less about coddling him. That's part of what got you here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> As a woman, I naturally forgave him, thinking things would get better.


As a man I hate this. This is not directed at you so much as at the attitude that men shouldn't be better then this. That is ********, no "Man" with everything that that still means in this world acts like this, a Man honors and takes care of his wife and his family. Period.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOO FORGIVE HIM AND HOPE THAT IT GETS BETTER. YOU DESERVE BETTER RIGHT NOW.

Tragically maybe you haven't met men who think like this, but we are out there. You are young, divorce him and go find one.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

If you really feel its over and that you don't want him touching you or being affectionate, and don't want to try marriage counselling, you should make a plan focusing on your personal safety, and future financial security and the practical things: like making sure you've got accommodation and somewhere for your belongings and a vehicle etc. You'd want to prep and time the event so he's not there. There will be a help phoneline you will be able to call for people in your State and you should talk to someone about things to consider and how to do it and what information to get copies of now while you can easily eg. bank statements, assets etc. If law in your State doesn't have a "no fault" divorce I'd be surprised but it would be good to talk to someone locally about what you'd need to do in the practical world of filing for separation and divorce and getting a property settlement etc.


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## 350179 (Jun 23, 2021)

sokillme said:


> As a man I hate this. This is not directed at you so much as at the attitude that men shouldn't be better then this. That is ******, no "Man" with everything that that still means in this world acts like this, a Man honors and takes care of his wife and his family. Period.
> 
> YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOO FORGIVE HIM AND HOPE THAT IT GETS BETTER. YOU DESERVE BETTER RIGHT NOW.
> 
> Tragically maybe you haven't met men who think like this, but we are out there. You are young, divorce him and go find one.


This is a good message. He really thinks and have said, “I won’t find anything better out there then him.” At this point, I just need a peace of mind.


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## 350179 (Jun 23, 2021)

Goobertron said:


> If you really feel its over that you don't want him touching you or being affectionate and don't want to try marriage counselling you should make a plan focusing on your personal safety, and future financial security and the practical things like making sure you've got somewhere to stay and somewhere for your stuff. You'd want to prep and time the event so he's not there. There will be a help phoneline you will be able to call for people in your State.


I am actually planning and thinking a safe way out. I just like have all my ducks in a row for sure.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> The tough part is taking the actual getting divorced and out for good step. I do care very much about his well being because he will be a lost puppy without me. We’ve invested the time in our relationship. We don’t own anything together. I’m really thinking about parting ways by next year if not sooner only due to finances and not wanting to blindside him. He gets really defensive when I talk about separating or us needing space. I will really have to plan it out and cease all communications. Even through the mutual people we are connected with. A whole lot to consider. Very stressful but I know I won’t be stressed once out.


It sounds like it’s time to go, nothing left to save here. And I don’t think you owe him anything more at this point. 
When it’s time to go, go. “Needing space” ******** isn’t helpful for anyone.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> This is a good message. He really thinks and have said, “I won’t find anything better out there then him.” At this point, I just need a peace of mind.


That's complete BS. I really hope you don't believe that. I doubt he believes it though, it's just a form of emotional abuse.


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## 350179 (Jun 23, 2021)

bobert said:


> That's complete BS. I really hope you don't believe that. I doubt he believes it though, it's just a form of emotional abuse.


Absolutely! 
I would really take my time before getting into a serious relationship ever again. I want my main focus to be only be me. Good thing we don’t have any kids.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> The tough part is taking the actual getting divorced and out for good step. I do care very much about his well being because he will be a lost puppy without me. We’ve invested the time in our relationship. We don’t own anything together. I’m really thinking about parting ways by next year if not sooner only due to finances and not wanting to blindside him. He gets really defensive when I talk about separating or us needing space. I will really have to plan it out and cease all communications. Even through the mutual people we are connected with. A whole lot to consider. Very stressful but I know I won’t be stressed once out.


Hon, you tried way too hard to make this work. He wasn't such a lost puppy when he found another woman to screw, let him be her problem now. Do what you need to do to take care of you. For God's sake, do not sleep with him no matter what, the last thing you need now is to get pregnant.



Caramelmacchiato said:


> This is a good message. He really thinks and have said, “I won’t find anything better out there then him.” At this point, I just need a peace of mind.


Being alone forever is better than being with him. You're young enough that you can recover and find someone decent when you're ready. You'll be ok.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> being because he will be a lost puppy without me


If this is true them MAYBE he should have NOT CHEATED on you numerous times and actually stepped up to be a good husband.
He will survive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> The tough part is taking the actual getting divorced and out for good step. I do care very much about his well being because he will be a lost puppy without me. We’ve invested the time in our relationship. We don’t own anything together. I’m really thinking about parting ways by next year if not sooner only due to finances and not wanting to blindside him. He gets really defensive when I talk about separating or us needing space. I will really have to plan it out and cease all communications. Even through the mutual people we are connected with. A whole lot to consider. Very stressful but I know I won’t be stressed once out.


You very clearly care about him wayyyyy more than he cares about you. you don’t have to discuss this with him, make your plan and get it moving as quickly as possible. I think it would be a good idea to work on yourself to find out why you allowed yourself to tolerate this for so long, or someone else is just going to do it to you again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years now. He’s cheated on me more than once. As a woman, I naturally forgave him, thinking things would get better. I asked him if he’s been talking with other women’s and the answer was no. When I get a hunch about him cheating, I’m always right. That hunch is now back. I don’t want to go back through the path of calling it out, both of us crying, we may be good for a little while and then carrying on again as if nothing has happened. I have fallen out of love with this man. He disgusts me. I no longer like him touching me, around me, kissing me or even to look at me. We haven’t had sex since two weeks. I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. I’m going to get tested this month, since knowing he has the calling of being a dog. He try’s to touch me aka signaling for sex and I now hate it. I hate the way he comes straight from work and wants to get it on, without showering or at least cleaning up. I’m a clean/neat freak 80% of the time, so everything gross me out. I am 33 years of age. I know I’m all over the place but this is how I’m feeling right now. I feel at this point of my life, I need space and to live in my own air without being in a marriage/relationship.
> Help/advice?


It just sounds like it's time to leave the marriage. You know sometimes your body knows it's over before the rest of you does. Once you're to the point where the thought of having sex with him disgustd you, that means he disgusts you and you should get out. It's not like he's going to stay in a marriage with no sex and I don't see why you would want to put yourself through having sex with him under the circumstances. He brought it on himself. Sorry it's up to you to deal with it. They always say they're sorry and it'll never happen again but it's empty words.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's a recommendation Caramel. If you can stand it, wait until he's involved with another chick before you leave, pull the plug, and get out of sight for awhile.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Caramelmacchiato said:


> He’s cheated on me more than once. As a woman, I naturally forgave him, thinking things would get better.


Nope. This is not a gender thing. This is a doormat thing. Plenty of women do not forgive. 



Caramelmacchiato said:


> I do care very much about his well being because he will be a lost puppy without me.


Not your problem. He wasn't too helpless and lost to cheat on you with whoever would let him screw her. He just says that to guilt you into staying because he doesn't want to be without wifely comforts at home when between affairs. he is a grown man. He can either figure it out or not. It isn't your problem. HE isn't your problem.



Caramelmacchiato said:


> We’ve invested the time in our relationship.


Sunk cost fallacy



Caramelmacchiato said:


> I’m really thinking about parting ways by next year if not sooner only due to finances and not wanting to blindside him.


If you wait a year you'll wait another. He's done this before and you let him worm his way back in. You need to leave. Soon. As soon as possible. File papers, pack what you need, and go. Get a roommate or stay with friends/family if you need to. Just actually take action and start the process.



Caramelmacchiato said:


> He gets really defensive when I talk about separating or us needing space.


So? Why the hell do you care? This is not your problem, either. He can feel whatever way he wants. Serve him papers and he can go cry on the shoulder of his latest side piece.



Caramelmacchiato said:


> This is a good message. He really thinks and have said, “I won’t find anything better out there then him.”


Another way to mentally abuse and manipulate you into staying. Truth is finding better won't even be that hard from what you've described here.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, cheating isn't a one-time thing or a mistake or any sort of aberrant behavior on your husband's part. It's a lifestyle for him. One he _enjoys_ and actively _chooses_ to engage in. Which means he will never, ever, stop cheating. Serial cheaters never do. Mostly because they really just don't want to. 

So, just know that if you forgive him or don't, try to make it work or don't, leave him or don't - he will still cheat. But, if you leave, he won't be cheating _on you_. You'll be free of him and free to build a life that doesn't involve this sort of heartache.

Oh, and no matter what you do, find a good therapist and work on building healthy self-esteem and healthy boundaries. You really should believe that you're worth more than, deserve better than, the relationship you have now. It's sad that you don't seem to think so.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There is no reason to wait, get legal advise and start arranging to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Caramelmacchiato,

You say that he repulses you now and you cannot stand having sex with him. Keep in mind that you hurt yourself emotionally every time you have sex with him. You need to take better care of yourself.

Do you have children with him?

Do you have a job?

Do you have a plan for how to move forward? For example, it would be wise to get copies of all important paperwork such as birth certificates, financial reports, etc. Do you have a bank account in your name only?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Caramelmacchiato said:



He really thinks and have said, “I won’t find anything better out there then him.”

Click to expand...

*LOL...this guy is SUCH a weapons-grade douche bag.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

IF YOUR HUSBAND thought as much for you and put you first in the way you put him first there would not ever have been an affair 

been a good person and a good wife is build into you it is just wasted on the wrong guy


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## 350179 (Jun 23, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> @Caramelmacchiato,
> 
> You say that he repulses you now and you cannot stand having sex with him. Keep in mind that you hurt yourself emotionally every time you have sex with him. You need to take better care of yourself.
> 
> ...


No kids, I work FT, and no joint accounts. No joint credit accounts either. Both cars are in my name which the cars he tries has equity in it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Read her other thread. She had/is having sex with other men.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's very common for betrayed spouse (BS) to have what is generally called a revenge affair. About 50% do.

The problem with revenge affairs, besides the obvious, is that they bring the BS down to the same level as the wayward spouse (WS). It's like they are now both wallowing in the same mud puddle.

@Caramelmacchiato

If you are at the point that you are cheating you really need to just get that divorce. What you are doing is engaging in 'exist' behaviors. That's behaviors that bolster your strength to file for divorce. As it is you are seriously compromising yourself by all this. Part of taking care of yourself is protecting yourself from behaviors that injure you. You cheating injures you.

How do you think your husband will react if he knew you were sleeping around?


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