# I love my wife, but she's a sexual dud



## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

heh, it just keeps getting worse that I'd find it comical if it wasn't so aggravating. I just need to vent..

Been married 5 years, and I realized that even on our honeymoon, I had to initiate sex every time (even though we did not have sex prior to marriage). I think she's initiated sex maybe 10 times since then, and about half of that was when we were trying for a baby (so that doesn't really count).

Let me bring you up to speed:

- It's always missionary position. She never initiates another position for the fun of it, and even if she were in another position, she almost never orgasms unless it's missionary. Ok, not her fault, but still there's no creativity or experimenting there..

- No vibrators because "it tickles".

- No dildo because "it feels weird".

- No oral on her because of my stubble. Fair enough. I shave it off with perfection.... "I can't, it tickles when you go down". Although it didn't seem to be a problem a couple years ago.

- Touching her breasts? No, this does nothing for her because she still breast-feeds our toddler. Not her fault, but it's just one more "no" on the list.

- Rimming on her? No, she starts laughing and pulls away, saying it tickles.

- Rimming on me? "No I don't want to catch any germs that might go in the breast milk" (extremely unlikely I think). I'm very clean in that area anyway.

- Anal fingering on her? "Feels like I'm doing a poo. Turns me off"

- Anal sex? "Feels like I'm doing a poo." This is especially a bummer after I had a girl that loved anal and would always initiate it. She really loved getting rimmed too. Man she was awesome. Eh, I'm getting distracted...

- Anal fingering on me? That's if my wife can find the hole. I put her finger there while trying to enjoy sex, and she gives it a shot but inevitably ends up fingering my perineum or nostril or something, oblivious to the fact that she's got it all wrong until I have to correct her....but it's usually not worth the trouble drawing her a map every session.

- Oral on me? This is about the only thing she does. Until last night.
These days with a toddler, more often than not my wife will orgasm 2-3 times, but when it's time for me to cum, the baby wakes up, so I'm left with full balls and a stiffy. Last night she came 3-4 times, then the baby stirred, so I said, can you give me a blowjob when you get back?
Then it comes out that she gets a stomach ache whenever she swallows cum. Are you sh**ting me? First time I've ever heard of it. I though it was just some coincidence, but after doing a search, apparently some girls do get this. And my wife just happens to be one of them. LUCKY ME! One more thing to cross off the list!

So I end up with a handjob, thinking I might as well be at the Happy Ending Massage Parlor.

Well, I just needed to rant for a bit...thanks for reading.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

BlueFire said:


> heh, it just keeps getting worse that I'd find it comical if it wasn't so aggravating. I just need to vent..
> 
> Been married 5 years, and I realized that even on our honeymoon, I had to initiate sex every time (even though we did not have sex prior to marriage). I think she's initiated sex maybe 10 times since then, and about half of that was when we were trying for a baby (so that doesn't really count).
> 
> ...


There is a strong likelihood that she's making some/most of the issues up to mask a dislike of sex (overall or with you). There's also a possibility that she has some shame issues around sex. Finally, it could be that she's just lazy - she gets off multiple times when she wants and then tunes out.

Waiting until marriage for sex is a red flag when viewed in light of poor sexual performance. Surely, some people strive to marry as virgins for religious / moral reasons. However, it seems that some people have hang-ups around sex that they intentionally mask or sweep under the rug with morality claims.

Also, there are way too many excuses around her sexual style. Cum makes her stomach hurt? Let me see: a stomach makes lots of mucus itself as protection from the digestion process, but an extra teaspoon from you pushes it over the edge?

Same thing with the bacterial issue. She likely has no problem eating chicken, seafood, etc. but a little bit from you is going to overwhelm her immune system and damage your child?

IMO, is she's using excuses to change the context of this issue. Say she doesn't like sex much (generally or with you), which is likely. If she's honest and says "I just don't feel like it, so I will not", you likely will think/say "who is she to decide an important issue based just on how she feels". She'd look bad and you'd be (justifiably) upset at her self-centeredness. It may impact how you treat her in non-sexual matters, and she knows this.

However, if you think she cannot (rather than will not) perform well sexually, it's a different deal. You, being a good man, would not expect the impossible, right? You would reluctantly accept this "truth" and move on with married life. She gets her way in and out of the bedroom as you continue to believe this isn't her fault - pretty sweet deal, huh?

You can continue to just take this and vent / rant to relieve your frustration. Or, you can listen to the inner voice telling you this does not add up, and confront your wife (in love) and insist on better for yourself - your choice.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

BlueFire said:


> ..
> 
> (even though we did not have sex prior to marriage) .


There's the crux of your whole problem right there.

What did you expect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sex is just one part of a marriage and often the quality and quantity of sex are related to all those other parts. So how is the rest of the relationship?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Outside of sex, is she affectionate with you? Kissing, holding hands, etc.

Your answer there is a big clue whether she really has issues with sex or her issues are actually with you.


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## whynotrightnow12 (Mar 30, 2013)

> That's if my wife can find the hole. I put her finger there while trying to enjoy sex, and she gives it a shot but inevitably ends up fingering my perineum or nostril or something


:rofl:


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

She doesn't want to touch your backdoor. I don't blame her. Ew. So either deal with it or get a toy for her to use on you. 
She can give you BJs without swallowing and there is no excuse for her leaving you unsatisfied like she did. Wean the kid and let it sleep through the night. It sounds like she has Super Mommy syndrome and she could be using the kid as a **** blocker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Maybe I am just old fashioned but I have never understood the interest in anal play. Whatever you're into is your thing. But I do wonder if porn and pop culture have created an expectation that it is normal. I don't think it was considered mainstream until very very recently.

Aside from that opinion....

Is there any chance your wife has a of a history of abuse, assault, an alcoholic parent, a borderline personality or other psych issue in her mother?

Most women desire and enjoy sex. An aversion is not normal.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

What's this world coming to? I'm finding myself agreeing with aribabe and LotL! Everything they said (as well as Thor), I agree with. 

Oh, and Tacoma? Abstinence before marriage isn't the "crux of his problem"... There ARE plenty of people who don't have sex before marriage yet they have very satisfying sex lives. Why don't they post here? Likely because they have no need to seek out advice in this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> What's this world coming to? I'm finding myself agreeing with aribabe and LotL! Everything they said (as well as Thor), I agree with.
> 
> Oh, and Tacoma? Abstinence before marriage isn't the "crux of his problem"... There ARE plenty of people who don't have sex before marriage yet they have very satisfying sex lives. Why don't they post here? Likely because they have no need to seek out advice in this.


Because they were lucky as hell when they rolled those dice or they have simply accepted their plight.

This is EXACTLY why you don't marry without knowing someone.
If you marry without having a sex life first you don't have a clue about that persons sexuality.
I think we all agree that sex is a pillar of any marriage.
it's insane to commit without knowledge of the strength of that pillar.

Tell me, do you think the OP would be here if he had known this stuff about his wife before they married?

It's also not right to be bashing this guy for his sexual proclivities as they are fairly common within relationships today.

My wife and I engage in anal play in All of the ways described in the OP.
She brought it into our sex life "After" marriage BUT because we had a sexual relationship prior she knew I'd be game.

No sex before marriage is insane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tacoma said:


> No sex before marriage is insane.


Tacoma, regarding the other parts of your post... not everyone is game for that stuff, and they DO make that known from the start. Sadly, there are some, whether they have sex before marriage or not, think they will be able to change their partners after that ring is on the finger...even after being told ADAMANTLY that it is not going to happen. This has been posted often as well. 

But to say that "no sex before marriage is insane" is YOUR opinion. If I were to guess, I'd say she, at least, is a religious person. If that is the case, it very likely explains a LOT of what you consider to be hangups in their sex life. Personally, except for the whole issue regarding BJs, I find her reactions to the rest to be normal. But then, my husband has absolutely no interest in anal play.

No, I think the crux of their problem is that they didn't thoroughly discuss what was acceptable and what was not, nor what were "grey areas" in their sex life, before they married. Had she said, even when dating (or did he say courting?) that she was NOT open to certain things, no matter what, he would have had a better understanding. If they DID have this talk, then he knew what he was getting into.

Scoff at the idea of "no sex before marriage" if you like, but abstinence is what I am stressing to my kids.

ETA: One thing I do recognize, Tacoma, is that our positions on this are fundamentally different. What would work for you, wouldn't work for me, and vice versa. My position is definitely influenced by my Christian views, and I know you do not share that belief. I understand, and respect that. What you find insane isn't insane to one who shares my beliefs.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> Maybe I am just old fashioned but I have never understood the interest in anal play. Whatever you're into is your thing. But I do wonder if porn and pop culture have created an expectation that it is normal. I don't think it was considered mainstream until very very recently.



Actually, as a history buff, I can say with confidence that anal play has been very "mainstream" for thousands of years! The only difference is that porn and pop culture didn't really catch up until recently.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Also, sorry, but it's so dumb when people say that a guy who likes anal play must be gay. If you are a guy and you like your ass played with by a WOMAN you aren't gay. Call it gross....whatever...but it's not gay. When people say that I immediately imagine them as insecure 13 year old boys.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> Also, sorry, but it's so dumb when people say that a guy who likes anal play must be gay. If you are a guy and you like your ass played with by a WOMAN you aren't gay. Call it gross....whatever...but it's not gay. When people say that I immediately imagine them as insecure 13 year old boys.


Honestly, my first thought if my husband said he wanted me to play there WOULD be that he is at the very least bi-curious. Sure, he'd be asking a WOMAN to do it, but it wouldn't stop the THOUGHT from going through my head. Personally, I'm GLAD my husband has no interest in having me stick anything int here. That's something I could not, and would not ever, do. I'm fortunate that my husband and I agree on this.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Okay. That would be your thought. But IMO it would be a dumb thought. You're a woman. Your ass is a woman's ass. It's next to a *****--not a ****. If he wanted to **** a guy, he'd **** a guy. :smthumbup:

How do you know you wouldn't like it? That he wouldn't like it? For years my husband would not let me go there. And I kind of thought it was gross. Then I just started playing with his butt sometimes during oral. Not sure why...it was just something different. He totally loves it, and I like giving him pleasure. He sometimes does it to me, and I admit I'm a little squeamish about it. But it does feel good. I can't deny it. 

It's fine if you don't want to do anal play, but if you're just denying it because you think it's "gay" or gross, you might be missing out.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Post removed by moderator.

User banned.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Actually, as a history buff, I can say with confidence that anal play has been very "mainstream" for thousands of years! The only difference is that porn and pop culture didn't really catch up until recently.


Mainstream? No. Not uncommon? Yes.

There's no way I'm licking someone's a$$hole. That's where the sh!t comes out, and I'm not eating anybody's sh!t. And, modern claims to the contrary, the anus was not designed to have things inserted into it (I've yet to hear a doctor say you can improve your health by sticking objects up your rear end).

The OP's list looked like a laundry list of sexual acts. I'm surprised he didn't have golden showers and golden retrievers listed as well.

Maybe his wife is pushing him away sexually, because she fears exactly how far he will take it if she has enthusiastic sex with him. As far as I can tell, he has no sexual boundaries at all--zero. Hell, who knows if a yard gnome wouldn't show up one night.

Maybe they should go back to the basics. Get the regular sex down and working correctly. Try walking for a while before he starts running (and jumping head first off a cliff). Believe it or not, old fashioned intercourse does have a lot going for it.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Somehow I have the sense that if we could hear from Mrs. Bluefire we'd learn a lot of relevant facts.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Frankly, I'm just jealous that this woman is having multiple orgasms and I'm not. :rofl:


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Lionlady said:


> *It's homophobic and offensive because there are plenty of gay men who don't have anal sex on a regular basis but instead have oral sex and hand jobs. Gay men aren't attracted to as*holes. They are attracted to men, who happen to have as*holes. Gay men suck each other's c*cks too, but yet you don't equate oral sex with a woman with being gay. Why not?*


Now that we're on this subject, it is a common attitude that oral sex and anal sex are wrong because that's how homosexuals have sex. Maybe the OP should explore if his wife has that attitude.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> Frankly, I'm just jealous that this woman is having multiple orgasms and I'm not. :rofl:


Now THIS I can agree with! :rofl:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Do you care to say what happened to your relationship with the girlfriend that you anal sex with? I wonder that you married a woman with whom you did not have sex. It seems so strange that a man who has had varied sexual experiences with women who were apparently sexually comparable would chose to marry someone who was a sexual unknown. 

This apparent mismatch is solvable. First, stop comparing her to firmer gf. You married because she had qualities that were more important to you than sex obviously. You could have married the anal gf. You'll have to ask yourself if it is fair to fault your wife for being the person you married. She was sexually repressed and controlled and she is still repressed. 

Please take responsibility for a choice you made. Now you have to work to help your wife out of her shell. She will not turn into a sexual being unless you are patient and understanding and move slowly towards tgat goal. 

You are guilty of a bait and switch - you married a good girl and now you want her to morph into a bad girl. Would you morph in to a good boy to suit her level of sexuality? If not, why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alexandria (Apr 21, 2013)

Jesus, she sounds like a mega borefest. Other than anal sex, which is really NO fun for me and really not healthy for your sphincter. I mean I don't want to be in a diaper from anal sex; no thanks. Other than that, I am open to it all, a complete pervert and have initiated so much stuff. I am the guy in the relationship and get shot down sometimes. I have begged to do rimming and he won't let me. Ha, ha! I think I was a man in a previous life. But, eriously, she sounds super frigid and that has to be so boring. When you talk to her about it, what does she say?


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## Alexandria (Apr 21, 2013)

Okay, maybe not gay, but it is very anal oriented and it seems like that is the focus and that is odd, sorry, but it is.. no variation, just lick or finger my ass or I lick or finger your ass or actual anal sex. I bet you a dime to a dollar that he has asked her to strap on a dildo and do him. And, hey, that is okay, but this guy is super anal oriented and with no sex before marriage, he is discovering now he does not like her style whereas he did with his ex, that he so fondly recalled, which pissed me off. They are just incompatible, pure and simple. He digs mega ass play, she does not, so someone is going to be unhappy.




Lionlady said:


> Also, sorry, but it's so dumb when people say that a guy who likes anal play must be gay. If you are a guy and you like your ass played with by a WOMAN you aren't gay. Call it gross....whatever...but it's not gay. When people say that I immediately imagine them as insecure 13 year old boys.


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## Alexandria (Apr 21, 2013)

Best answer so far!!!




Catherine602 said:


> Do you care to say what happened to your relationship with the girlfriend that you anal sex with? I wonder that you married a woman with whom you did not have sex. It seems so strange that a man who has had varied sexual experiences with women who were apparently sexually comparable would chose to marry someone who was a sexual unknown.
> 
> This apparent mismatch is solvable. First, stop comparing her to firmer gf. You married because she had qualities that were more important to you than sex obviously. You could have married the anal gf. You'll have to ask yourself if it is fair to fault your wife for being the person you married. She was sexually repressed and controlled and she is still repressed.
> 
> ...


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

First of all, just wanted to re-affirm that anal sex, whether giving or receiving is not gay. That's like saying I'm gay or bi-curious because I want to kiss my wife on the lips, since gay people also kiss each other on the lips. That's ridiculous.

But even if he was "bi-curious" so what? That has nothing to do with the issue at hand. 



Blue Firefly said:


> Maybe they should go back to the basics. Get the regular sex down and working correctly.


I consider oral sex pretty darn "basic", and his wife won't even do that anymore. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. But then she should own up to it, and not make excuses.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Theseus said:


> First of all, just wanted to re-affirm that anal sex, whether giving or receiving is not gay. That's like saying I'm gay or bi-curious because I want to kiss my wife on the lips, since gay people also kiss each other on the lips. That's ridiculous.
> 
> *But even if he was "bi-curious" so what? That has nothing to do with the issue at hand. *
> 
> ...


Actually... it might. If she thinks he is, and is not wanting to even bring the subject up to him, or if she is very religious (very good possibility given the abstinence before marriage), that could be her "hang up" regarding everything.

What I DO agree with is that oral is pretty basic. However, I did reserve that only for my husband. He's the only one I have ever given a BJ and he's the only one who has given me oral.


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## Alexandria (Apr 21, 2013)

What you said makes no logical sense, but let's move on. No, you are not gay, but you are super into anal anything and that is okay. But, is this something you should have established with her beforehand since getting your tushie fingered, f'ed and licked is so important, "entering" into a relationship with a woman who finds is so "ewwww" was kind of not a good idea, right? I mean you so remind all of us how good it was with your ex and how your current wife is a dud. Hmmm, maybe get a divorce and find someone you are sexually compatible with and who will lick and finger your tushie to your heart's content. And, you would not have to burden someone with all of your anal requests. She said "no," so try something new or STFU. You should both be happy and you are not sexually and I am sure she is not either. I would be mega irritated if my husband had some sexual requests that freaked me out, like, "Hey honey, let's swing or do an orgy." I would be gone so quickly. And dude, what's up with all of your anal interest... you are not gay, clearly, but I think you had some stage of your development delayed or something. I mean do you like anything else, or is is just anal? Just curious. I personally HATE anal sex, but oral/anal is good and fingering anal is good, but that is just me. My husband thinks I am a pervert, but it just makes me laugh. I am always trying to put my face in his tushie just to freak him out. We have fun with it. Anyway, good luck to you... oh, and as a side-note, if I had to guess, 75 percent of women are not into mega ass play, so it is a roll of the dice.





Theseus said:


> First of all, just wanted to re-affirm that anal sex, whether giving or receiving is not gay. That's like saying I'm gay or bi-curious because I want to kiss my wife on the lips, since gay people also kiss each other on the lips. That's ridiculous.
> 
> But even if he was "bi-curious" so what? That has nothing to do with the issue at hand.
> 
> ...


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

hey thanks for the replies. I haven't read more than the first page yet, but I figured I should start responding:



Plan 9 from OS said:


> How old is your toddler? I remember for all 3 of our kids we switched them over to regular milk around their 1 year old BDay.


Toddler is 2 years, though still breastfeeding. She never took to formula or any other substitute. We've had a few issues with her, so weaning hasn't been a priority. Looking to wean her off soon.



tacoma said:


> There's the crux of your whole problem right there.
> 
> What did you expect?


(Re: no sex before marriage) Well we had some hot moments before marriage and her desire was certainly there...though of course due to religious beliefs (which I, and her for the most part, no longer subscribe to), the goal was not to "go all the way" before marriage.
Now I realize this is dumb...couples do need to be sexually compatible, just like they need to have similar beliefs and convictions, otherwise it just makes things more difficult.



Theseus said:


> Outside of sex, is she affectionate with you? Kissing, holding hands, etc.
> 
> Your answer there is a big clue whether she really has issues with sex or her issues are actually with you.


Yeah, good question. It's not that often that she'll go out of her way to be affectionate. I don't think it's entirely me though, as her family members tend to act the same way. She hardly even hugs her own mom (and vice versa), even though she's probably closest to her mom. 




aribabe said:


> You want your wife to lick your ass hole, finger your ass hole, and you want to have sex wth her... in her ass hole, and you want to lick her ass hole.


Stop it, you're turning me on lol

Anyway, I could've just written on my list "no anal play", but I thought I'd be specific. You know, a lot of women like it, and some just don't. I wrote down stuff that she doesn't like and anal play happens to be part of that list.



aribabe said:


> I don't even want to to see my husbands ass hole


lol oh my goodness




Thor said:


> Is there any chance your wife has a of a history of abuse, assault, an alcoholic parent, a borderline personality or other psych issue in her mother?


hmm, nothing obvious that I can think of. As I mentioned before, her family seem a bit emotionally stunted with each other, I wonder if it's genetic or something.

When I met her she was living at home with her mom with hardly any friends. She's middle-aged and had a previous marriage that simply dissolved. To be honest if something happened between us, I'm quite sure she'd just move back home and be single the rest of her life. If I hadn't come along, I'm sure she'd still be there. I don't think I've even seen her check out another guy at the mall or wherever. I mean, even I get looks and smiles from other married women. Maybe twice in 8 years I've actually caught her out where she thought a guy on TV was cute. Sometimes it's almost like living with an androgynous room-mate.

It's been difficult having a beautiful toddler to look after and all, and it takes its toll on her (and me), but really it goes deeper than that.


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

Blue Firefly said:


> There's no way I'm licking someone's a$$hole. That's where the sh!t comes out


Some people get really hung up about their anus. If you clean it, you're not going to have a problem. What if you had the same attitude about the vagina? "Ew that's where blood and mucus comes out!" Once it's clean, it's clean.

Get some liquid soap, stick your finger up your ass and clean it after you take a crap. You'll feel like a new creation (hallelujah!). I've known people that complain that there's always crap in their butthole even after wiping. Stop being such a prude and clean yourself properly. A couple dry wipes aren't gonna cut it. We use soap and water for every other part of our body except the place some of us need it the most.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I think it's funny that people without prostates judge those of us who have them....who just want a little message.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> I think it's funny that people without prostates judge those of us who have them....who just want a little message.


Newsflash: not everyone with a prostate wants anything stuck in his ass either. 

So, no, it's not just the ladies saying it. I know men who have the same mentality: anus is exit only.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

BlueFire said:


> Some people get really hung up about their anus. If you clean it, you're not going to have a problem. What if you had the same attitude about the vagina? "Ew that's where blood and mucus comes out!" Once it's clean, it's clean.
> 
> Get some liquid soap, stick your finger up your ass and clean it after you take a crap. You'll feel like a new creation (hallelujah!). I've known people that complain that there's always crap in their butthole even after wiping. Stop being such a prude and clean yourself properly. A couple dry wipes aren't gonna cut it. We use soap and water for every other part of our body except the place some of us need it the most.


Hey, finger in the ass works for you. Doesn't work for your wife. You knew that, and still know that. And you insist on comparing her to a woman you stopped seeing. And if your attitude toward your wife is anything like what you have said here ("she's a sexual dud"), it's no wonder she's not receptive. Frankly, I'd be the same way if my husband spoke like that to/about me.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

BlueFire said:


> Toddler is 2 years, though still breastfeeding. She never took to formula or any other substitute. We've had a few issues with her, so weaning hasn't been a priority. Looking to wean her off soon.


Yea, mine were that age when they weaned. I don't understand the mentality of not wanting the breasts touched because of breastfeeding a baby/toddler. I had no problem with my husband touching mine. I know there are some who do have this issue, and I'm sorry I can't advise as I never did... even at 2 years of breastfeeding.





BlueFire said:


> (Re: no sex before marriage) Well we had some hot moments before marriage and her desire was certainly there...though of course due to religious beliefs (which I, and her for the most part, no longer subscribe to), the goal was not to "go all the way" before marriage.
> Now I realize this is dumb...couples do need to be sexually compatible, just like they need to have similar beliefs and convictions, otherwise it just makes things more difficult


Well, as I suspected, religious beliefs played a significant part in not having sex before you married. I understand that you no longer ascribe to NOW, but that wasn't the case THEN. And that's what matters as far as THAT time. She was open to many things (desire was there, you said), but anal was scratched off the list from the start? If that's the case, you DID know what you were getting into, in that respect. I suspect you anticipated being able to change her mind, correct?



BlueFire said:


> Yeah, good question. It's not that often that she'll go out of her way to be affectionate. I don't think it's entirely me though, as her family members tend to act the same way. She hardly even hugs her own mom (and vice versa), even though she's probably closest to her mom.



And this can be a symptom of the problem as well. She's not very affectionate with her family, either? And I would guess you come from a very affectionate family... which is going to cause clashes as well. 



BlueFire said:


> Anyway, I could've just written on my list "no anal play", but I thought I'd be specific. You know, a lot of women like it, and some just don't. I wrote down stuff that she doesn't like and anal play happens to be part of that list.


As I said above...it's something she doesn't like. And, it seems you are fixated on THIS, specifically. Maybe we have it wrong, but that's how it comes across. Instead of fixating on THAT, why not build up the GOOD parts of your sex life? Doing that may open her up more. Not certain, of course, but a possibility, of course.



BlueFire said:


> hmm, nothing obvious that I can think of. As I mentioned before, her family seem a bit emotionally stunted with each other, I wonder if it's genetic or something.
> 
> When I met her she was living at home with her mom with hardly any friends. *She's middle-aged and had a previous marriage that simply dissolved.* To be honest if something happened between us, I'm quite sure she'd just move back home and be single the rest of her life. If I hadn't come along, I'm sure she'd still be there. I don't think I've even seen her check out another guy at the mall or wherever. I mean, even I get looks and smiles from other married women. Maybe twice in 8 years I've actually caught her out where she thought a guy on TV was cute. Sometimes it's almost like living with an androgynous room-mate.


Now there's a hint.... why did it dissolve? Do you know the particulars? It could be a huge part of the problems you are having now, even with the "normal" stuff.



BlueFire said:


> It's been difficult having a beautiful toddler to look after and all, and it takes its toll on her (and me), but really it goes deeper than that.


You are right. It goes deeper than that. And, I think it would be an excellent idea for her to get into IC to figure it all out. It definitely has more to do with HER than with your child...or, really, even about you. She DOES have some things she needs to sort through. 

Just don't expect her to do a "180" regarding anal play. Some of us women never change our minds about that.


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

No, I'm not bi or gay or whatever. For the record, I'm not a huge fan of blowjobs either. Everyone's different. 

Everyone seems to be fixated on the anal thing, which really isn't the point of the post. I mentioned oral on me and oral on her, breasts, vibrators, dildos, along with various positions - which include doggy (which she doesn't mind, but never initiates it), or in the shower, or in the lounge room with the blinds open for something a bit different (extremely unlikely that anyone could see in, but even still she completely freaks out and runs to the bedroom)....where we're back to square one again.

It would be nice if she showed some kind of initiative or creativity, rather than being a log on the bed waiting for me to make her cum.




Lionlady said:


> Have you ever sat down and really had a conversation about what you want and what she wants and WHY?


Well I've tried discussing, and I've even left small letters explaining that I don't feel desired or wanted. She basically says "sorry you feel that way" and gives me a few extra hugs for the next couple days but that's about it. I know she loves me, but physical affection is certainly lacking.



Lionlady said:


> I would love to be able to have multiples. It sounds like your wife is really easily orgasmic.


Well many times it's because it's been a whole month without sex. And also I've learned how to push her orgasm button. She enjoys sex when we have it, and goddamn she cums first 95% of the time and always feels relaxed afterwards. But then she almost never initiates sex. Which just doesn't make sense to me. "I love chocolate, so I never eat it!"
She never masturbates either of course (although she did before we got married). It would be nice if she did something to show me she actually has a libido. Some passion and fire. Like, go hump the guy next door or something.

I'm not mad that she only orgasms in missionary position (god, imagine if she couldn't orgasm either), but what about me? How about seducing me for once? Change it up a bit for my sake. She even admitted to me once that she's a bit selfish in the bedroom, after I told her how it's always missionary.




Maricha75 said:


> Now, to OP: BJ's? She doesn't have to swallow. And don't make her feel like she HAS to. Perhaps she feels obligated because of something said in the past or just an impression she got from you?


The last time I asked for a blowjob was maybe two years ago. And it's probably been 18 months since she at least sucked it a little. I don't think I've ever asked her to swallow. I would tell her I'm coming beforehand which gave her enough warning to pull out if she prefers. 
I almost never drink coffee which I know can makes it taste bad.




Maricha75 said:


> Even so, there's NO excuse for jumping up when the child stirs, after she gets hers but you don't get off. That's not right at all. At the very least, she should come back, after settling the child, and take care of you


Well if she didn't get up for the baby, she'd just keep crying, so she had to do it. I told my wife to go have a shower and then come back (she likes to have a quick shower after intercourse). She did mention that she could give a blowjob without swallowing, but when she came back it just turned into a hand job. I was still stewing about yet another thing crossed off the list, that I just didn't care.



Maricha75 said:


> But what do I know? I'm dumb because I have no interest in anal play.


You must be responding to someone else.




Catherine602 said:


> Do you care to say what happened to your relationship with the girlfriend that you anal sex with? I wonder that you married a woman with whom you did not have sex. It seems so strange that a man who has had varied sexual experiences with women who were apparently sexually comparable would chose to marry someone who was a sexual unknown.


Well it has to do with religion and a strict upbringing. The previous girl was actually married, so it was an illicit affair :nono: She was in a marriage where he never wanted sex, and she never felt desired. And he wouldn't give her the kind of sex she wanted. I was a suppressed youth that had been told "no" my whole life, so our timelines crossed and we had some good times. Although at the time I regretted it due to my religious beliefs, so had to reel myself in and be a good church boy. So that's why my wife and I never had sex before marriage, because we were trying to follow our religious convictions. The ironic thing is, my life now matches the girl I had the affair with.

I love my wife and have no intention of ever leaving her, it's just this side of it that I find frustrating.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

BlueFire said:


> Everyone seems to be fixated on the anal thing, which really isn't the point of the post. I mentioned oral on me and oral on her, breasts, vibrators, dildos, along with various positions - which include doggy (which she doesn't mind, but never initiates it), or in the shower, or in the lounge room with the blinds open for something a bit different (extremely unlikely that anyone could see in, but even still she completely freaks out and runs to the bedroom)....where we're back to square one again.
> 
> It would be nice if she showed some kind of initiative or creativity, rather than being a log on the bed waiting for me to make her cum.


Well, I have to say... the likelihood of anyone seeing or not means nothing. It's something that makes her uncomfortable, just the possibility, no matter how remote. She's obviously not an exhibitionist! 



BlueFire said:


> Well I've tried discussing, and I've even left small letters explaining that I don't feel desired or wanted. She basically says "sorry you feel that way" and gives me a few extra hugs for the next couple days but that's about it. I know she loves me, but physical affection is certainly lacking.
> 
> 
> Well many times it's because it's been a whole month without sex. And also I've learned how to push her orgasm button. She enjoys sex when we have it, and goddamn she cums first 95% of the time and always feels relaxed afterwards. But then she almost never initiates sex. Which just doesn't make sense to me. "I love chocolate, so I never eat it!"
> She never masturbates either of course (although she did before we got married). It would be nice if she did something to show me she actually has a libido. Some passion and fire. Like, go hump the guy next door or something.


Yea, I think it has a lot to do with religious convictions. I think she has it in her head that it's "bad" for her to initiate, etc... as for masturbating... she's not the only one who did it before marrying but stopped after. And that's both men and women. Some choose to stop doing it because they see it as taking away from their spouses.



BlueFire said:


> I'm not mad that she only orgasms in missionary position (god, imagine if she couldn't orgasm either), but what about me? How about seducing me for once? Change it up a bit for my sake. She even admitted to me once that she's a bit selfish in the bedroom, after I told her how it's always missionary


Funny thing... my husband is the one who prefers missionary now. And I'm one who can't cum with just PIV, unless I'm on top. Right now, that's not even an option. So, he takes care of mine first (his choice, no matter how many times I have told him I don't have to cum every time)... oral or manual. And then he gets his (again, his choice to do this way).




BlueFire said:


> The last time I asked for a blowjob was maybe two years ago. And it's probably been 18 months since she at least sucked it a little. I don't think I've ever asked her to swallow. I would tell her I'm coming beforehand which gave her enough warning to pull out if she prefers.
> I almost never drink coffee which I know can makes it taste bad.


My husband doesn't ask for them either. He's one who likes them, yea... but prefers PIV. 

There are other things that can make it taste bad as well, not just coffee. But hey, at least you have that one covered! 




BlueFire said:


> Well if she didn't get up for the baby, she'd just keep crying, so she had to do it. I told my wife to go have a shower and then come back (she likes to have a quick shower after intercourse). She did mention that she could give a blowjob without swallowing, but when she came back it just turned into a hand job. I was still stewing about yet another thing crossed off the list, that I just didn't care.


Ahh, I see. I misunderstood then. I assumed you meant that the baby was just moving around and she jumped up before she had a chance to even START crying... which would be ridiculous. As for the BJ to HJ... sorry, I just can't comprehend that. I mean, I have to use my hand with BJs, but still.. I don't just promise one and give the other. I think she was really still focused on the baby, tbh.




BlueFire said:


> You must be responding to someone else.


I was.




BlueFire said:


> Well it has to do with religion and a strict upbringing. The previous girl was actually married, so it was an illicit affair :nono: She was in a marriage where he never wanted sex, and she never felt desired. And he wouldn't give her the kind of sex she wanted. I was a suppressed youth that had been told "no" my whole life, so our timelines crossed and we had some good times. Although at the time I regretted it due to my religious beliefs, so had to reel myself in and be a good church boy. So that's why my wife and I never had sex before marriage, because we were trying to follow our religious convictions. The ironic thing is, my life now matches the girl I had the affair with.
> 
> I love my wife and have no intention of ever leaving her, it's just this side of it that I find frustrating.


Ok, bad enough to compare her to an ex... but the "ex" wasn't really yours to begin with! Honestly, to me, that makes it even worse. There is no comparison. I think, deep down, you get that... at least I hope you do! 

Regardless of that, I think counseling would help her tremendously. At the very least, it can help as far as showing more affection. Doesn't mean anal will be on the table, for her, at least... but getting her to open up on "regular" stuff will help.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, bad enough to compare her to an ex... but the "ex" wasn't really yours to begin with! Honestly, to me, that makes it even worse. There is no comparison. I think, deep down, you get that... at least I hope you do!


This doesn't make sense. Why shouldn't he compare his wife with the ex-gf? :scratchhead:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

RFguy said:


> This doesn't make sense. Why shouldn't he compare his wife with the ex-gf? :scratchhead:


Let's see... perhaps because the "ex" wasn't really HIS to begin with? It was an affair. And the woman was putting her best foot forward with him...willing to do many things because she wasn't satisfied having sex only with her HUSBAND. Go figure. 

And for actual ex-girlfriends, dwelling on how awesome the sex life was with the ex, compared to the (dud) spouse is NOT going to help the situation. When people do that, it only ADDS to the problems... it doesn't help FIX them. It's not a difficult concept to comprehend. IOW, affair sex and sex in the marriage are not going to be the same. They don't compare... and that's what he's doing. Comparing sex with his wife to sex with a married woman he was screwing before her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do some soul searching and decide if her lack of motivation to please you sexually is a deal breaker.....if it is act accordingly. if not get over it. she is never going to change into a sexual vixin.


I find it funny that when a woman who complains about her husband not doing for her the women often give a different set of advise.



the good old double standard! is alive and well here a TaM.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> do some soul searching and decide if her lack of motivation to please you sexually is a deal breaker.....if it is act accordingly. if not get over it. she is never going to change into a sexual vixin.
> 
> 
> I find it funny that when a woman who complains about her husband not doing for her the women often give a different set of advise.
> ...


Hmmm maybe true, for some.

I do agree that OP needs to decide if any of this is a deal breaker for him. If not, then, as you say, he needs to get over it. And I agree that if she wasn't a vixen from the beginning, it is HIGHLY unlikely that she will be now. And her current behavior supports this.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

OK, BlueFire...WOW...this has been quite possibly the most entertaining thread I've read on here! I'm so tempted to comment on the anal play...baaahhh, I'll just let it go  But GOOD for YOU for being a sexual adventurous person!!!

NOW...your wife...is a sexual snooze. That sucks. BUT...just from the brief comments about her previous marriage and religious upbringing, I think you've gotten 2 steps closer to the root of the problem. 

Personally, I was raised in an extremely devout religous home...the first time I had sex with a man I loved at age 18, I cried because I was so overwhelmed with guilt. Could your wife simply be a sexually repressed person who's never known the pleasures of embracing her sexuality?

Of course, there is the possibility that your wife just doesn't care about sex. I'm sure you can find lots of info here about dealing with wives with low drives. Throw in the fact you have a toddler...yeesh, she could just be exhausted all the time too!

Honestly, I don't think this is the case. You've gone on and on about all the things YOU want to try and do, but what does she want?

You can't know this because: "Well I've tried discussing, and I've even left small letters explaining that I don't feel desired or wanted." That's pretty low level effort, my friend. If having a mutually enjoyable sex life is something that's important to you, then you must have the DREADED SEX TALK!!! I've posted this before other places, but no one, I mean NOBODY enjoys discussing problems in the bedroom. It's hard to broach delicately and it just leaves an icky feeling for both parties (who likes to hear their partner is sexually unfulfilled?!) 

BUT...if you can bring this up with your wife as a "OK, babe...I make suggestions to try new things and you never seem to be into it...is there anything YOU'D like to do/try?" and there's a good possibility she'll just say "No" (and it could be true) but, given the type of person she is, I imagine it would take some time to actually get it out of her what she does want. 

It's not a matter of making wifey do what you want in the sack, it's a matter of figuring out if you guys are even sexually compatible. Again, there's a chance you're not and if that's the case, well I hope she's cool with you becoming a chronic masturbator and porn-viewer  (Oddly enough, I wasn't even saying that like it's a bad thing!) But, again...it REALLY sounds like your wife has never once been given free reign to explore her sexual self. Perhaps you can help her get there? 

good luck, buddy! I'd love to hear what develops!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Because they were lucky as hell when they rolled those dice or they have simply accepted their plight.


Or (especially if we are talking about people with a Christian worldview) they understand that they are responsible for their spouse's sexual satisfaction, and make it a priority.

To be fair, there are people who do believe that and make it happen.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

BlueFire said:


> Well it has to do with religion and a strict upbringing. The previous girl was actually married, so it was an illicit affair :nono: She was in a marriage where he never wanted sex, and she never felt desired. And he wouldn't give her the kind of sex she wanted. I was a suppressed youth that had been told "no" my whole life, so our timelines crossed and we had some good times. Although at the time I regretted it due to my religious beliefs, so had to reel myself in and be a good church boy. So that's why my wife and I never had sex before marriage, because we were trying to follow our religious convictions. The ironic thing is, my life now matches the girl I had the affair with.
> 
> I love my wife and have no intention of ever leaving her, it's just this side of it that I find frustrating.


From what I've heard, it's not uncommon to pick up sexual shame from really conservative homes. It's all too common for the religious to take "sex prior to marriage is sinful" and morph that into "sex is bad", while completely ignoring the part about being responsible for your spouse's sexual satisfaction.

Your wife has some red flags. Objecting to you masturbating is a huge one. This is the one that makes me think it's an issue with sex and not with you (although I can't be sure).

Your wife needs to get professional help to lose these unhealthy sexual attitudes. "Sucking it up" is not an issue when she objects to you even taking care of your own needs.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

DTO said:


> Or (especially if we are talking about people with a Christian worldview) they understand that they are responsible for their spouse's sexual satisfaction, and make it a priority.
> 
> To be fair, there are people who do believe that and make it happen.


:iagree: Not just Christians, us Muslims too, and I think it's the norm throughout Southeast Asia.. no matter what religion you are, in our culture, we are responsible for our spouse's sexual satisfaction, and indeed it is a priority.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There are many nerve endings in, and around, the male (and some female) human anus. The male "g-spot" is the prostate, which can be stimulated either by inserting something into the anus, or pressed through the perineum. Every man is physiologically designed to be able to get pleasure anally, regardless of sexuality. We all have the nerve endings. The stimulation of those nerve endings are completely separate from whether you want a man, woman, Martian, dog, cat, horse, or whatever, to do the stimulating. If a man is disgusted by the thought of having his anus touched, that is a psychological reaction; it does not mean he is not physiologically equipped to receive sexual pleasure from these acts.

Saying that a man is gay, or bi, or "bi-curious" because he is able, and willing, to indulge in having those nerves stimulated is the equivalent if saying that women who like to have their clits licked are gay, bi, or "bi-curious" simply because tons of lesbians have very clit licking centric sex lives. 

It is also ignorant because it supposes that gay men all are interested, attracted to, and crave anal play. This is not the case. You can have a heterosexually oriented man who loves to have his ass fingered, and find a homosexually oriented man who is repulsed at the very thought.

Many married men who turned out to be secretly gay never, not even once, asked their wives to do anything to their backdoor. It's actually the opposite, as most down low men wouldn't want to give any indication at all that they might be gay, and the ignorance that assplay=gay is still very prevelant. For every story of a woman who's gay or bi husband asked for anal play you'll find scores of women stunned because he never, not even once, asked her to do anything to his ass. 

Anal sex, on both men, and women, has been documented for thousands of years, and in plenty of cultures and societies where there wasn't even a "gay identity" to discuss. It's a very old, very widely practiced sexual act.

Having said that...

No woman is a "dud" because she doesn't want to stick her fingers, or tongue, up your ass. That is absurd. Anal pleasuring is NOT for everyone. Most people will likely look at it as "exit only". It is, afterall, the area where our waste exits. There is absolutely nothing wrong about a person not wanting to sexualize the anus. It doesn't make a person closed minded, or ignorant, if they just can't, or don't even want to try, to see the ass as a sexual playground.

If you're interested in sexual acts that fall outside of the typical, it's imperative that you are upfront about that long before marriage. If having your ass played with is a huge turn on you don't want to live without, tell your woman that so she can decide if she's game. It's no different than guys who whine about not getting any blowjobs, but then admit that they never told their girlfriends and finances that this activity was of vital importance. 

Deciding not to have sex before marriage is a personal decision, and it's frankly nobody's business but the two people who make that choice. It, however, does not excuse not having in depth, honest discussions about sexual desires, needs, wants, and expectations. It is potential marital suicide to just cross your fingers, and hope for the best. There needs to be a lot of discussion about these things.

If you are Christian you need to be praying to God about your sex life BEFORE you get married. I am serious. What's the point of praying for, and about, a compatible spouse but leaving the sex part out? Religion and spirituality should not be used as a cover, or excuse to be rigid, prudish, and totally disconnected from your sexuality, and thus your partner's sexuality. I am so, so over the "Christians=Prudes" nonsense. 

There is nothing wrong with somebody being a "missionary only" type of person, IF that's what they genuinely enjoy. They just need to be upfront about it, and marry somebody who is of the same type. The issues come when people like about their sexual openness just to snag a partner, or the opposite, people who stifle their real sexual natures just to seem more "normal" to their partners. 

Finally, the OP just needs to decide if he wants to stay in a marriage with a woman who is sexually incompatible with him. The woman in the OP might even be interested in sex, but she sadly might not be interested in it with YOU. Try to have a honest, potentially searing, conversation with your wife to discover which camp she's in.

Also sexual "duds" don't cum 2-4 times during sex. So she's either very happy with the sex you're having, or she's lying.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> There are many nerve endings in, and around, the male (and some female) human anus. The male "g-spot" is the prostate, which can be stimulated either by inserting something into the anus, or pressed through the perineum. Every man is physiologically designed to be able to get pleasure anally, regardless of sexuality. We all have the nerve endings. The stimulation of those nerve endings are completely separate from whether you want a man, woman, Martian, dog, cat, horse, or whatever, to do the stimulating. If a man is disgusted by the thought of having his anus touched, that is a psychological reaction; it does not mean he is not physiologically equipped to receive sexual pleasure from these acts.
> 
> Saying that a man is gay, or bi, or "bi-curious" because he is able, and willing, to indulge in having those nerves stimulated is the equivalent if saying that women who like to have their clits licked are gay, bi, or "bi-curious" simply because tons of lesbians have very clit licking centric sex lives.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is everything I wanted to say, including the very last part.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

Okay...I read all of the posts (phew)...Im going to suggest something probably waaay out of her comfort level. What about introducing her to some new things by way of "pretty porn" or explicit books (Kama Sutra, Tantric Sex, etc.)? I only suggest it because I discovered my sweet, adorable bear of a husband was watching porn in his "off" time. At first I was confused and bummed out. After lots of communication and understanding I realized the poor man was bored! Like your wife, I enjoyed sex the normal, regular, run of the mill way. It was fine by me. I didnt suggest anything different. He didnt either. He never pressured me and was always a very SELFLESS lover. 
After realizing he needed some spice I started opening up my mind to other things. I wasnt prude before, (gosh I hope I wasnt a "dud" as you say) I just hadnt given it much thought. I picked up more tantalizing books and started (gasp) watching porn with him. As a porn newbie, it was kept to what I call "nice porn" until I was more comfortable.
All that to say....after learning some new things and honestly..growing convinced that some of the new things look pretty awesome and enjoyable..I'm much less inhibited now.
You want dirty talk? No problem. Bj's? I thought you'd never ask. Shaved and waxed everywhere? Already did it. On top? Sideways? In a back bend? Im pretty flexible. Even the a$$ play has proved to be quite nice. By day, Im pretty modest and professional and a full time mom. When Im with my man..Im a sexual being.

Talk to your wife. Tell her you love her and you LOVE sex with her but tell her you are bored. Tell her you vowed only to ever have sex with her and you'd like it to at least be good/frequent/ adventurous/whatever you need. Say those words. It might hurt her a little at first but I think it will prompt her to spice things up. Lay on the compliments about what she does that you enjoy. Tell her she's sexy. Then tell her you'd like to feel like she thinks you are sexy. You only get to sleep with each other, like FOREVER. Life is hard and we work hard and sex is one of the things we can offer our spouses that can add some pure joy and fulfillment in our married lives. 
I say communicate. With words..not letters and not in the heat of the moment as you seem to strike out that way. Patience is key...and trying to convince a gal that is most comfortable sticking with missionary (no oral, no on top, no reverse cowgirl...) and asking her to lick your a-hole or put her finger in it? Thats just not good etiquette.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

kcait said:


> Patience is key...and trying to convince a gal that is most comfortable sticking with missionary (no oral, no on top, no reverse cowgirl...) and asking her to lick your a-hole or put her finger in it? Thats just not good etiquette.


Just needed to add..I dont think there is ANYTHING wrong with wanting that or asking for it...just to be clear...I only mean that she seems to be more inhibited, less adventurous, perhaps a little insecure and definitely squeamish about bodily fluids and holes for that matter..(at least and lets hope, FOR NOW). So, requesting something that far out of her comfort level and box of what she perceives as "normal" sex, is too much pressure in my opinion.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Kcait, I realize your experience was such that you learned your husband was watching porn because he was bored. Ok, I get that. And, I get that the OP here is bored. Understandably so. If, as has been speculated, the OP's wife is sexually repressed due to religious upbringing/beliefs, I suspect that even "pretty porn" (wtf is that anyway? Porn is porn IMO... no matter how you dress it. But whatever, I digress) would be met with blatant hostility. If she's not even wanting him to touch her breasts, or give/receive oral, nor use vibes... what makes you think porn of any kind is going to be well-received? I think his best bet is to get her to open up about the "normal" stuff before even THINKING of adding anything like porn to the mix... IF she would even be receptive to it. Not all of us would.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> If, as has been speculated, the OP's wife is sexually repressed due to religious upbringing/beliefs, I suspect that even "pretty porn" (wtf is that anyway? Porn is porn IMO... no matter how you dress it. But whatever, I digress) would be met with blatant hostility. If she's not even wanting him to touch her breasts, or give/receive oral, nor use vibes... what makes you think porn of any kind is going to be well-received?


What makes ME think it will be well received? Gosh...I didnt _think_ about it that much. It isnt my relationship...I dont know his wife or her sexual boundaries. It was a _suggestion_. The original poster DID say that he and his wife have since near abandoned (please dont quote me on that...I havent read back to see exactly what he said) their previous religious adherences. I think there may be a possibility that his wife will be open to what I call "pretty porn". Which is pretty. No fluid shots and full screen graphic imagery. Just soft lighting, kissing, breast fondling, ultimately we all know what is happening porn. Pretty porn. It was a _suggestion_. I think the original poster knows his wife and knows how she would respond to my suggestion. Clearly, my advice isnt for everyone. I did also suggest clearer communication. And even help books. 
I think her hang up could be her inability to let go and feel free to explore and try new things. Perhaps she needs some encouragement and a new bag of ideas from external stimuli? It doesn't have to be porn....


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

aribabe said:


> Most women honestly don't expect to have to lick our husbands ass hole, I don't even want to to see my husbands ass hole and I will never be putting my tongue in it.


Way to mischaracterize the entire post and fixate on the anal.

Here is where he is actually at according to his post:

No oral.

No anal.

No toys.

No breast fondling.

Strictly missionary where she frequently has multiple orgasms and doesn't always ensure that he gets off at all.

Yeah, that is totally normal and anyone should be thrilled with that setup...

Admittedly it is his fault for marrying before getting it on. That antiquated idea needs to go. Unless you are both asexual or have little attachment to sex you better test drive that portion of the relationship thoroughly prior to marriage. For most people it is way too important an aspect of a relationship to wait to explore until after you make a lifelong commitment.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Just a small suggestion... you've probably got a lot of good responses here already. Also, it sounds like your wife is at least open-minded enough to have tried a lot of things, so you're not in a bad spot in that regard.

What if you suggest a trade-off? Your wife gets a session of whatever makes her feel good (preferably sexually, but if not, then pampering - give her a nice massage with oil or something - but make sure she directs everything), and you get a session of sexual feel-goods from her. Make it clear from the start that it's a sexual trade-off. Maybe just say you could really use one especially good session. 

You can avoid things that someone is not okay with, or that are (allegedly?) a medical concern - but this will drive off the "that tickles" things. Ask her to restrain her giggles for you, just for that one session. Eat her out or whatever it is you've been wanting to do. 

It might end up being a one-time thing, or she might end up gaining a new-found appreciation for something. 

As a side note: There's normally enough warning for a man to pull out of a mouth before cumming, in my experience. If she doesn't want it in her mouth, will she take it on her face for you? Or her chest or something? 

Anyway. Best of luck.  Happy f***ing!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

amr1977 said:


> Admittedly it is his fault for marrying before getting it on. *That antiquated idea needs to go. * Unless you are both asexual or have little attachment to sex you better test drive that portion of the relationship thoroughly prior to marriage. For most people it is way too important an aspect of a relationship to wait to explore until after you make a lifelong commitment.


That's your opinion. If you have religious beliefs which say otherwise, which the OP said WAS the reason for them waiting, then it is perfectly normal. You want to "test drive"? Feel free. Not everyone believes as you do. Not every couple has the issues they have, even when they don't "test drive". _For some people it is way too important an aspect of a relationship to engage in sex before they marry._ I am one who wishes I HAD waited until we married. And that, along with my religious beliefs, is why I will be stressing abstinence to all of my children.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> That's your opinion. If you have religious beliefs which say otherwise, which the OP said WAS the reason for them waiting, then it is perfectly normal. You want to "test drive"? Feel free. Not everyone believes as you do. Not every couple has the issues they have, even when they don't "test drive". _For some people it is way too important an aspect of a relationship to engage in sex before they marry._ I am one who wishes I HAD waited until we married. And that, along with my religious beliefs, is why I will be stressing abstinence to all of my children.


I agree with this wholeheartedly. I myself advocate sex before marriage, and I think it's best in general - but if this goes against someone's religious beliefs, I think it's best for them not to have sex before marriage. Yes, there's a possibility their differing sexual drives and preferences will create tension, but they've made the decision that their religious beliefs are more important than that possibility, and that's a very respectable and legitimate decision to make.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Faiora said:


> I agree with this wholeheartedly. I myself advocate sex before marriage, and I think it's best in general - but if this goes against someone's religious beliefs, I think it's best for them not to have sex before marriage. Yes, there's a possibility their differing sexual drives and preferences will create tension, but they've made the decision that their religious beliefs are more important than that possibility, and that's a very respectable and legitimate decision to make.


Which is why Jaquen suggested earlier that while praying about the decision to marry, to pray about sex life and all it entails as well. In addition to that, to discuss expectations about the sex life together, even/especially during any premarital counseling that the pastor or other religious leader may have with them. More easily avoided if they TALK and get on the same page before they marry.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Try more foreplay. Make her wait until she's so wound up she can't stand it. More often than not I've found those "ticklish" spots are only ticklish when they're not aroused a good deal. Then ticklish spots seem to feel reaaalll good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Whether two people decide to take a sexual test drive before marriage isn't really anybody's business. 

And oddly enough, as much sense as a "test drive" makes, now that it's become the overwhelming practice it still hasn't helped marriages stay together overall, and there are still tens of millions of sexless and/or incompatible married couples.

Why? Because almost any married person will tell you that the sex you had before you were married (or lack thereof) almost has no bearing on the sex you eventually end up settling into after marriage.

I actually think a vastly bigger issue is that people don't talk enough about sex before marriage, whether they're having it or not. You can suss out a lot of deep rooted views, issues, and boundaries surrounding sex from lots and lots of frank, open, non-judgmental, REAL conversations about what you like, how you both view sex, what's expected after you are married, the whole nine yards. You can also learn a ton by how your partner acts during such conversations. Are they uncomfortable stating their needs? Are they shy? Reserved? Angry? Do they appear elusive, or dishonest? Trust me when I say that you can learn so much about your partner's true sexual identity before you ever touch their bodies. When in the throes of sex, it's very easy to mask sexual issues until it's too late. Much harder to do in non-sexual conversations. 

Because couples who wait, but don't talk are just as doomed as couples who don't wait and still don't talk.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Which is why Jaquen suggested earlier that while praying about the decision to marry, to pray about sex life and all it entails as well. In addition to that, to discuss expectations about the sex life together, even/especially during any premarital counseling that the pastor or other religious leader may have with them. More easily avoided if they TALK and get on the same page before they marry.


That's another important point: discussion/communication. It's the most important indicator of a healthy relationship - and if you don't have a healthy relationship to begin with, where both people can openly share what they want from a relationship, then you aren't ready to get married. 

I'm not religious myself, but that's definitely a point we can agree on. 

The reason I generally think it's better to have sex before marriage (religious beliefs permitting) is because sexual drive and preferences are something you might not be aware of until you've had sex. When you share a religion with your partner, you're perhaps a bit more likely to have similar sexual boundaries, but you could still run into significant issues with a difference in drives. 

With that said (and like I mentioned before), by making the decision to marry before sex, you are making it clear that your religion is more important to you than your sexual experiences. There's nothing wrong with that - life is all about priorities.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

BlueFire said:


> heh, it just keeps getting worse that I'd find it comical if it wasn't so aggravating. I just need to vent..
> 
> Been married 5 years, and I realized that even on our honeymoon, I had to initiate sex every time (even though we did not have sex prior to marriage). I think she's initiated sex maybe 10 times since then, and about half of that was when we were trying for a baby (so that doesn't really count).
> 
> ...


Maybe I'm reading this wrong but...anal sex is not standard "on the menu." 

And I'm sorry but no amount of money in the ****ing world would make me put my mouth on a man's *******.

Anal sex is unpleasant for A LOT of women. And just because she doesn't want things up her ass or wants to stick things up yours, it doesn't mean she's a dud.

It sounds like these things aren't pleasurable for her. I think maybe you need to cut her some slack. 

You sound like a kinkster more than she sounds like a prude.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Tacoma, regarding the other parts of your post... not everyone is game for that stuff, and they DO make that known from the start. Sadly, there are some, whether they have sex before marriage or not, think they will be able to change their partners after that ring is on the finger...even after being told ADAMANTLY that it is not going to happen. This has been posted often as well.
> 
> But to say that "no sex before marriage is insane" is YOUR opinion. If I were to guess, I'd say she, at least, is a religious person. If that is the case, it very likely explains a LOT of what you consider to be hangups in their sex life. Personally, except for the whole issue regarding BJs, I find her reactions to the rest to be normal. But then, my husband has absolutely no interest in anal play.
> 
> ...


I wanted to wait until marriage and I managed to make it until I had my engagement ring on my finger. 

There is nothing wrong with waiting and it doesn't have to be a problem.

You don't have to **** someone to know if you have good chemistry. 

And IMO, it's very easy to tell who is interested in sex and has enough self respect and self control to abstain and someone who just isn't interested. 

"Don't buy a car before test driving" is frankly just a cop out.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

LailaDay said:


> You don't have to **** someone to know if you have good chemistry.


This is 100% true. But it's very difficult for people to grasp if they've never waited.

But yes, you can ascertain powerful sexual chemistry with a person long before you sleep together. In fact I think it's incredible if you can detect that prior to sleeping with someone, because actual sex can go a long way to deceiving people into believing that they have chemistry, when in fact they don't, it's just sex.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I also agree that anal sex isn't the standard, vaginal sex is for obvious reasons.

Anal sex I would like to try with my wifee but it would never replace vaginal sex and if she liked it, then we'd have it more often, otherwise, its no huge deal to me.

My wifee and I waited until we were engaged and 1 week from getting married before we moved in together. (Christian upbringing)

But I'm no goodie goodie so had lots of oral before......


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

ok, so many posts, I have to start replying:

It's not a religious hang-up that she has. She never grew up in such an environment, and her family has never been religious. It was only just before we met that she started going to church. While I grew up in hardcore fundamentalism, she had more of a mature perspective and would have conversations with me about how extreme various things were in our church.

So I don't see a religious connection.



Maricha75 said:


> Let's see... perhaps because the "ex" wasn't really HIS to begin with? It was an affair. And the woman was putting her best foot forward with him...willing to do many things because she wasn't satisfied having sex only with her HUSBAND.


Actually for the record, I didn't initiate anything anal with the previous girl - she did. It was basically friends with benefits. Both of us knew we wouldn't become a couple. She had a family and had no intention of leaving.




plasmasunn said:


> the first time I had sex with a man I loved at age 18, I cried because I was so overwhelmed with guilt.


I know exactly where you're coming from. I went through all that with a previous girlfriend while I was deep in fundamentalism. The guilt was just overwhelming due to all the indoctrination. It was extremely unhealthy and psychologically damaging. And the condemnation is ridiculously over the top. 




plasmasunn said:


> Throw in the fact you have a toddler...yeesh, she could just be exhausted all the time too!


Yeah that has a lot to do with it too, and it's a legitimate point. I think things will improve a little when our toddler is a bit less dependent. I understand what people are saying about communication and so on, but it's difficult to bring up. The baby is almost always the excuse, but even before the baby she'd have other excuses. And when I try to attend to one problem she brings up, there's always another excuse in the queue.

I started this thread mainly just out of frustration, and not really looking for answers. Though it's good to hear all the various suggestions that have been made.



plasmasunn said:


> You've gone on and on about all the things YOU want to try and do, but what does she want?


I don't know. I've asked her a number of times. I get mainly lame answers like "it turns me on when you wash the dishes". Ok fine, but I do the dishes all the time anyway. I can't get any straight answers from her for what she actually likes in the bedroom.

I know some have suggested that I might have to make a decision whether I can live with this or leave her, well I don't see it as an option to leave her. I do love her, and this issue isn't that important that I'd leave her over it. And certainly not with a young child.




DTO said:


> Your wife has some red flags. Objecting to you masturbating is a huge one.


What I mentioned was that she never masturbates _herself_. A few years ago, on the odd occasion I might try masturbating, which she didn't really like because she felt I should be using her. However, lately she's even suggested that I masturbate while she's out of the house to relieve myself. Since she "doesn't have time to have sex because of the baby", she thinks she's doing me a favor.



jaquen said:


> Also sexual "duds" don't cum 2-4 times during sex. So she's either very happy with the sex you're having, or she's lying.


Well...she can only come one way (which is fine), but that's the only way we have sex...almost every time. I'm perfectly happy to finish off her way after a bit of creativity, but when it's the same from start to finish every time it gets old. It's funny, if it were vice versa and I demanded sex my way every single time, I'd be considered some selfish male pig that her girlfriends would recommend she dump in an instant.

I know it sounds cliche, but I can tell when she comes. There have been a couple times when we try for ages to get her to cum, but it just doesn't happen and I've told her she'll just have to get herself off, which she does, surprisingly. I dunno, once she's in bed with a bit of penis, she enjoys having sex. But the main problems are getting her to bed in the first place; and getting her to do something different.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

BlueFire said:


> It's not a religious hang-up that she has. She never grew up in such an environment, and her family has never been religious. It was only just before we met that she started going to church. While I grew up in hardcore fundamentalism, she had more of a mature perspective and would have conversations with me about how extreme various things were in our church.
> 
> So I don't see a religious connection.


Ok, I just one to point out one thing regarding religious hangups. You don't have to grow up in the environment to have them. I grew up in a fundamentalist church, and I don't have nearly the sexual hangups you have mentioned about your wife. There are some, when they start going, start accepting what they have now learned... they start viewing things, including/ESPECIALLY sex, as BAD. Hence, one reason I believe you stated as the reason for waiting until you married. You already stated that religion played a part in waiting. Even if she didn't grow up with it, the feeling is there. Sigh... not sure if I'm making myself clear, so I do apologize for that. Anyone who can clear it up...go for it lol.





BlueFire said:


> Actually for the record, I didn't initiate anything anal with the previous girl - she did. It was basically friends with benefits. Both of us knew we wouldn't become a couple. She had a family and had no intention of leaving.


Not the point i was making. You were having sex with a married woman. You can't compare affair sex with that of a spouse. That's the point. When I say she was open to more because it was an affair, I meant exactly that. Has nothing to do with whether or not she initiated it. It has everything to do with the fact that she was having sex with someone other than her husband... and affair sex is not the same as sex inside the marriage.




BlueFire said:


> Yeah that has a lot to do with it too, and it's a legitimate point. I think things will improve a little when our toddler is a bit less dependent. I understand what people are saying about communication and so on, but it's difficult to bring up. *The baby is almost always the excuse, but even before the baby she'd have other excuses. And when I try to attend to one problem she brings up, there's always another excuse in the queue.*


Right here. That's the problem. She has ALWAYS had excuses. It's not about the baby. It's about the fact that she has virtually no interest in sex, period. If she DID have any interest in it, she wouldn't make excuse after excuse after excuse NOT to have sex. You need to talk about this. REALLY talk about it.



BlueFire said:


> I started this thread mainly just out of frustration, and not really looking for answers. Though it's good to hear all the various suggestions that have been made.


I understand frustration. But even if not looking for answers, it helps to hear possible ideas you've not tried. And, I think it even helps hearing from people who have boundaries which may be similar, if not the same, to your wife's. It sometimes helps to get a better understanding from those who are there or have been there. 



BlueFire said:


> I don't know. I've asked her a number of times. I get mainly lame answers like "it turns me on when you wash the dishes". Ok fine, but I do the dishes all the time anyway. *I can't get any straight answers from her for what she actually likes in the bedroom.*


That's really the problem...in many ways... she doesn't know. You mentioned her previous marriage. If she never pleasured herself, and still doesn't... and if her previous husband never did, then she really has no clue what REALLY gets her revved up. That's something you need to discuss... DIFFERENT ways to get her off. While I wouldn't say to go straight for anal play, I'd suggest trying to open her up to new positions. Try ones SIMILAR to missionary first, and proceed from there.



BlueFire said:


> What I mentioned was that she never masturbates _herself_. A few years ago, on the odd occasion I might try masturbating, which she didn't really like because she felt I should be using her. However, lately she's even suggested that I masturbate while she's out of the house to relieve myself. *Since she "doesn't have time to have sex because of the baby", she thinks she's doing me a favor.*


No no no no no no no!!! Do NOT let her keep using the baby as an excuse for not having *TIME* for sex! You need to MAKE time for sex...even if it's _as soon as the baby goes to sleep_! 



BlueFire said:


> Well...she can only come one way (which is fine), but that's the only way we have sex...almost every time. I'm perfectly happy to finish off her way after a bit of creativity, but when it's the same from start to finish every time it gets old. It's funny, if it were vice versa and I demanded sex my way every single time, I'd be considered some selfish male pig that her girlfriends would recommend she dump in an instant.
> 
> I know it sounds cliche, but I can tell when she comes. There have been a couple times when we try for ages to get her to cum, but it just doesn't happen and *I've told her she'll just have to get herself off, which she does, surprisingly.* I dunno, once she's in bed with a bit of penis, she enjoys having sex. But the main problems are getting her to bed in the first place; and getting her to do something different.


Ok, if she won't masturbate herself... how are you able to convince her to get herself off????

BlueFire, I do apologize if my comments have come off as condescending at any point. That wasn't my intent. Parts of what you had initially posted, I was able to identify with. That's what I focused on. But the important thing here is that you two really DO need to talk about this. You're NOT going to improve anything, even after the baby is a bit older, unless you address the issues NOW... including the excuses she was always making BEFORE your daughter was born.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There are so, so many red flags here dude, it's amazing. I see you've been registered for years, but barely post. Do you read the board a lot? There are so many guys here with your exact same story.

Unfortunately the little sex you do have is likely to dry up. This woman is putting mega barriers between herself and sex with you, and these are not likely to improve without drastic measures. 

Even your "I love her and would never leave her over this" is a cliche. It's important to get to the bottom of this because issues with sex are HUGE red flags for issues with the entire marriage. It's rarely about just sex.

Have you two talked about going to a marriage counselor or couples therapy? I know a lot of people here swear by "His Needs/Her Needs", have you checked that out?

This woman, for whatever reason, does NOT want to have sex with you. I can't even believe she tried the tired "dishes turn me on" bit. How insulting, and so cliche. You really need to get past just venting, and get into serious action.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, Bluefire, your argument seems to be: Because you used to date a woman who liked using toys, liked anal sex, liked rimming, liked to act out scenes from the Karma Sutra, that your wife should like those things, too.

*Why* should she?

She doesn't *have* to. There's no law that says that anyone has to like anything, if they don't want to.

I mean no offence but your post seems a little... oh, I don't know... Juvenile?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So, what's happening here is that BlueFire is basically getting bored. And his wife isn't interested in helping to make it less boring. I think this happens a lot. Women fall for the misconception that they have the golden ***** and if they just lay there and allow access that it will blow his mind. And men do it too. They think they just have to show up and stick it in. But after 20 years or so, it just gets old. Cut through all the talk about anal and rimming and whatever, and what you have is a guy saying he's bored. Those things are just his stab at making it interesting.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Right...
Because everyone knows the way you fix "boring" sex with a "boring" wife is to ask her if you can stick it in her butt after she licks and fingers your ass hole. :rofl:

That's always effective :smthumbup:



WorkingOnMe said:


> So, what's happening here is that BlueFire is basically getting bored. And his wife isn't interested in helping to make it less boring. I think this happens a lot. Women fall for the misconception that they have the golden ***** and if they just lay there and allow access that it will blow his mind. And men do it too. They think they just have to show up and stick it in. But after 20 years or so, it just gets old. Cut through all the talk about anal and rimming and whatever, and what you have is a guy saying he's bored. Those things are just his stab at making it interesting.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Worried you're a bit boring Ari? Lol


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Well no, I'm not worried.
I'm definitely a bore...BUT
I'd accepted my fate a long time ago.

My husband also has to go without my fingers or tongue in his ass hole lol.
I'll have to ask him how he manages  :rofl:



WorkingOnMe said:


> Worried you're a bit boring Ari? Lol


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Right...
> Because everyone knows the way you fix "boring" sex with a "boring" wife is to ask her if you can stick it in her butt after she licks and fingers your ass hole. :rofl:
> 
> That's always effective :smthumbup:


I love reading that next to your cute cheescake picture of Dorothy Dandridge.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So, what's happening here is that BlueFire is basically getting bored. And his wife isn't interested in helping to make it less boring. I think this happens a lot. Women fall for the misconception that they have the golden ***** and if they just lay there and allow access that it will blow his mind. And men do it too. They think they just have to show up and stick it in. But after 20 years or so, it just gets old. Cut through all the talk about anal and rimming and whatever, and what you have is a guy saying he's bored. Those things are just his stab at making it interesting.


I understand what you're saying here.It does get stale after a while of the same thing.It's best to start slow in introducing new stuff.Zooming from missionary to "let me lick your bootie and put my penis in it" is a bit much


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> What's this world coming to? I'm finding myself agreeing with aribabe and LotL! Everything they said (as well as Thor), I agree with.
> 
> Oh, and Tacoma? Abstinence before marriage isn't the "crux of his problem"... There ARE plenty of people who don't have sex before marriage yet they have very satisfying sex lives. Why don't they post here? Likely because they have no need to seek out advice in this.


Absolutely. Husband and I were abstinent and we have a great sex life. and we both have very high sex drives, haha. 


OP, have you ever tried just asking her what she likes in bed? Maybe even trying counseling? I don't know...but I would understand if she didn't like the whole anal thing...it's just not for everybody....and you seem like you are very anal-oriented in the sack. Plus the baby probably isnt doing anything to increase her sex drive.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tacoma said:


> No sex before marriage is insane.


Here's to another insane couple on TAM >>> Me & Hubs  ...  ...I'm going to say, for some of us....it's a beautiful thing to grow and learn together ... 

The  of these differences come down to our Sexual views in life... Some view sex as something they Give to 1 very special person, this is the Romantic view...it is worth the waiting..... others see virginity as a Plague, something to be hidden/ ashamed of and gotten rid of as soon as possible... for them it's all about SKILL --not LOVE... the more you do something , the better you get at it... 

It bothers me when others trample on MY VIEW. I will try not to trample yours, so don't trample mine. I didn't want to have sex with a skilled person, I wanted to wait and have it with someone who LOVED me, was committed to me...and for life. 

This poster had an ANAL ex GF... he KNEW he wanted this sort of sex....yeah, I'm with Catherine...why did he marry the good girl when he KNEW he'd have these expectations..... hell....why did SHE marry him ???


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

some good girls like anal too occasionally...

good girls get freaky too every now and then


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I just watched "The Scene" in "Killer Joe" with Gina Gershon and Matthew McConaughey......uhhh pretty freaky.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Some view sex as something they Give to 1 very special person, this is the Romantic view...it is worth the waiting..... others see virginity as a Plague, something to be hidden/ ashamed of and gotten rid of as soon as possible... for them it's all about SKILL --not LOVE... the more you do something , the better you get at it...
> 
> It bothers me when others trample on MY VIEW. I will try not to trample yours, so don't trample mine. I didn't want to have sex with a skilled person, I wanted to wait and have it with someone who LOVED me, was committed to me...and for life.
> 
> This poster had an ANAL ex GF... he KNEW he wanted this sort of sex....yeah, I'm with Catherine...why did he marry the good girl when he KNEW he'd have these expectations..... hell....why did SHE marry him ???


I think you _are_ trampling others' views, by saying people who don't save themselves for marriage see virginity as a "plague" and are ashamed of it - that they see sex as being about "skill" and not about love. 

You can (and probably should) be in love before you get married - and if your morals and religious beliefs allow it, you can express your love with sex. This doesn't mean you're trying to gain skill in having sex, and it doesn't imply a lack of romance, either. It's just a different kind of romance than yours. 

Even if you have sex without love, this doesn't mean you see virginity as some "plague." It also doesn't necessarily imply a wish to gain "skill." It just means that you enjoy sex and are able to detach it from romance (at least sometimes) for the sake of physical pleasure. There is a whole lot more to romance and love than sex, so (again, if individual morals/religious beliefs allow) why should sex in particular be relationship-defining?

I have no issues with your beliefs and with what is right for you - but the language you've used to describe people who don't agree with you (in particular the suggestion that they are "ashamed" of virginity) is passive-aggressive at best.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This poster had an ANAL ex GF... he KNEW he wanted this sort of sex....yeah, I'm with Catherine...why did he marry the good girl when he KNEW he'd have these expectations..... hell....why did SHE marry him ???


Quick side note: I agree with this. It does seem a bit odd that they got married to begin with, given the fairly extreme differences in sexual drive and preferences. Especially so since it seems like they both had sexual experience prior to their relationship.

Although your use of the term "good girl" is frustrating. Is she just a good girl because she doesn't want anal? Because it sounds like she's done it with him before. So, was she bad and now she's good again? >.>;;


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

They've been married for half a decade. Can anyone really be still called "inexperienced" at this point?

That's actually one of my pet peeves about this line of thinking. People talk about premarital sex, or the lack thereof, as if it's the sole time you have to develop a sexual identity, and that, for the most part, is it. This kind of thinking is so pervasive that most don't even realize what they're saying.

We ALL, from the freakest freaks, to the most sexually dead among us was once inexperienced. And if you get married inexperienced, it's suppose to be your job to evolve sexually to the point of mutual satisfaction for both your spouse, and yourself. Coming in ignorant does not mean you're suppose to get comfortable and stay ignorant. 

If they aren't compatible after five years, it isn't because she's an inexperienced woman. It's because they are sexually incompatible.

And all of this is probably moot, because the OP isn't even his wife's first. Wasn't she married before?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *This poster had an ANAL ex GF*... he KNEW he wanted this sort of sex....yeah, I'm with Catherine...why did he marry the good girl when he KNEW he'd have these expectations..... hell....why did SHE marry him ???


No, he had sex with another man's wife, and that woman happened to like anal. She wasn't his girlfriend. They were having an affair.



Faiora said:


> I think you _are_ trampling others' views, by saying people who don't save themselves for marriage see virginity as a "plague" and are ashamed of it - that they see sex as being about "skill" and not about love.
> 
> You can (and probably should) be in love before you get married - and if your morals and religious beliefs allow it, you can express your love with sex. This doesn't mean you're trying to gain skill in having sex, and it doesn't imply a lack of romance, either. It's just a different kind of romance than yours.
> 
> ...


Go back and re-read SA's post. She didn't state it as an either/or thing. She said SOME view it as this and SOME view it as that. The only thing she didn't do is state the "in-between". She wasn't lying when she made the statement she did... there ARE some who feel virginity is just something to get rid of as quickly as possible. Ive seen posts on here that have stated as much. So, no, she wasn't trampling anything at all.



jaquen said:


> And all of this is probably moot, because the OP isn't even his wife's first. Wasn't she married before?


Yes, she was. About halfway in, OP said she was previously married, but he was not too into sex, or something like that. And, because he wasn't into it, she didn't grow sexually. Can't remember if he said why they divorced, though.

They chose to wait to have sex until after they married. But, OP has stated she has had excuse after excuse after excuse...even before the baby was born. Honestly, I'm thinking she's just not into sex. She can GET into it, if he initiates, it seems... but she has no interest otherwise. You are right. It appears their drives are just mismatched.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faiora said:


> I think you _are_ trampling others' views, by saying people who don't save themselves for marriage see virginity as a "plague" and are ashamed of it - that they see sex as being about "skill" and not about love.


 You can't deny some feel this way....Hooking up & casual sex users are not in it for the Love... I was responding to the crazy comment... 



> You can (and probably should) be in love before you get married - and if your morals and religious beliefs allow it, you can express your love with sex. This doesn't mean you're trying to gain skill in having sex, and it doesn't imply a lack of romance, either. It's just a different kind of romance than yours.


 the reason I mentioned SKILL is from a book I am reading right now authored by a Professor who taught Sexual ethics for 20 years ...she was explaining the 4 ways to view virginity...and for the "Plain Sex view" and "Expressive"- it can be primarily looked upon as something one just wants to get over with...a right of passage...nothing special at all.. an embarrassment even...

If you have Love thrown in there...you won't see it as a plague....you will see more my direction. 



> Even if you have sex without love, this doesn't mean you see virginity as some "plague." It also doesn't necessarily imply a wish to gain "skill." It just means that you enjoy sex *and are able to detach it from romance* (at least sometimes) for the sake of physical pleasure.


 You just described the "PLain sex view".... explained HERE People who hold this view see no value in waiting for Love... it is not that special to them. 



> There is a whole lot more to romance and love than sex, so (again, if individual morals/religious beliefs allow) why should sex in particular be relationship-defining?


 Because that is how I view LOVE...... I would not have sex with someone I was not committed too, it's against my personal moral code. I have no desire whatsoever to detach my emotions from the beautiful expression of sex. 

As you feel Sex is not important in defining a relationship/ our emotions can be detached....I feel just as strongly that is SHOULDN'T be detached... 

To each their own. 



> I have no issues with your beliefs and with what is right for you - but the language you've used to describe people who don't agree with you (in particular the suggestion that they are "ashamed" of virginity) is passive-aggressive at best.


 I've been referred to as many things, but Passive aggressive ..this is a 1st.... I will stand by my thoughts that a good many...and growing in this climate of casual sex ...that many view those hanging on to their virginity for love & commitment to be Half baked.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faiora said:


> Although your use of the term "good girl" is frustrating. Is she just a good girl because she doesn't want anal? Because it sounds like she's done it with him before. So, was she bad and now she's good again? >.>;;


 Honestly I have not read all the posts in this thread ..I think I only read to where Catherine posted and she used the term "good girl"...so I ran with it. Nothing more to read into. 

And no, I Have nothing against anal sex personally, if my husband wanted to try it, I'd be game...but he doesn't -he's told me I am not to grace the hole, no fingers, no rimming... not that I am complaining about this...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It involved the Q44 bus and a viking helmet.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Honestly I have not read all the posts in this thread ..I think I only read to where Catherine posted and she used the term "good girl"...so I ran with it. Nothing more to read into.
> 
> And no, I Have nothing against anal sex personally, if my husband wanted to try it, I'd be game...but he doesn't -he's told me I am not to grace the hole, no fingers, no rimming... not that I am complaining about this...


Eh, it looks like I've gotten my panties in a knot over nothing. The earlier comment about you not meaning ALL others feel a certain way was clarifying for me. So, sorry about that. 

I similarly run into a lot of self-righteous people who trample on others' thoughts, and it annoys me too.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> She came into the marrige less experienced than him. Obviously premarital experiences have a big impact on the evolution of sex in marriage. If they had simular levels of experience, they would explore together. He came to the marriage with fixed desires because he has done the basics and then some.
> 
> He approached her like she had the same experiences. Relative to him, she is inexperienced. She needed time to explore what she liked and did not like.



The woman was married before. I'm pretty sure nobody here is privy to the level of sexual experience this woman had with her previous husband, or any other lovers she might have had.

We still don't even know if this woman has an aversion to sex, or an aversion to sex with THIS man. Or that her aversion isn't relatively new, and actually didn't exist in the past. It's actually not uncommon for once promiscuous women to become extremely sexually shut down when they marry, or remarry, in an effort to appear "clean" again.

We just do not know. This isn't a virginal young 20 something. This is a middle aged woman, with kids, and a previous marriage. I think there is obviously much more to this woman's story than the OP has let on. And that's assuming he even knows himself.


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