# When is it ok to be selfish?



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

..."And I'm back" (radio guy voice) after a short ban for my lip lol. 

So when is it ok to be a little selfish in your relationship? We are always taught to be selfless in a marriage right? So when is it acceptable to be a little bit of a selfish brat for lack of a better term, when it comes to your own wishes and needs? 

Just celebrated my 11 year anniversary today (yay us!) And I asked for one single thing... To go see a movie I really really want to see. The new star wars movie. We named our daughter Leia after all, after you guessed it, princess Leia. I'm told this morning "I really dont feel like sitting in a movie theater" so I defer to her. "Yes honey, whatever you wish" and to be fair to her, we both came up with a suitable replacement for my gift request. We had a fabulous lunch and decided on something that was good for both of us. Things went south with the replacement plan, and thus, I'm feeling a little cheated here now. 

She likes star wars enough to agree upon our daughters name. A name that suits her. A princess, yet one that doesn't have everything handed to her. A strong girl with perfect moral compass. Out of the box thinker with perfect grades, taking every class in a dual language program meaning she takes every course in two languages (English and Spanish) The type of girl anyone would be proud of...

Anyway, this is me defending to my parter, Which ends up in not only me missing a golden opportunity to enjoy something I like, but missing an opportunity to do it with my wife. 

So when do you put your foot down? Obviously you choose to defer to your spouse's desires at all times right? You make that sacrifice. When is enough enough for you? 

I'm an avid backpacker, the last three times I've gone, we got in a fight about one thing or another. I told her I won't go all next year (2018) because I can't stand to fight about it anymore. Yet she tells me she wants me to be happy. I go 5 times a year if that. I didn't go for years before, I just revamped an interest after years of no life outside of work. Now when I go its "you dont think of us and "you are trying to avoid us" bull****. No, I just was to still enjoy what I like to do! 

What the hell is up with women? They act all happy to be with you one minute. Act like they are so attracted to you for who and what you are. Next minute, they want you to twist and turn and change for them, so you do. Then when you aren't happy, act all surprised! Or they mold you into this "perfect husband" they always wanted, then sit back and say "you used to do xyz" and aren't attracted to you anymore because you changed for their ass. 

Anyway, year 12, is that when I just say to hell with your feelings? Can't do that, because I'll lose her, right? Can't look out for myself because then I'm just being selfish right? Can't do everything she wants, because then I'm just a pushover and not respectable in her eyes. Can't just be myself because she wants a perfect mate. Can't be what she perceives as perfect because she loses the man she fell in love with and thinks less of me right? 

Literally WTF! So when is it ok to be selfish and choose yourself as a man? I beg you ladies, please someone make sense or your lunacy! Good lord y'all are so full of chit sometimes. How is any man supposed to put up with this horse chit for life? FOR LIFE! We promise for life? With these divorce laws? WTF???!!!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Please forgive my spelling errors btw and questioning of women. I'm a little buzzed. For freak sake can't women do what their husbands would like for a change!!??

To be fair, if you are a woman who feels the same and your husband does this to you, WTF is up with these guys? The old saying goes, "women marry a man in hopes that he will change, men marry a woman in hopes she will never change" so yes, as a man, this is how I feel. If your relationship has gone differently as a woman, I apologize in advance. No disrespect to you. 

I just don't get how people love you for who you are, then the next second try to change who you are. Then when you change, its a problem. 

I will go see the movie on my own tomorrow. I have plans to do so. Bet money ill hear some crap about it though. "Oh you went without me huh? I would have liked to have seen that movie with you. What, you don't want to spend time with your wife and kids?" 

Same ol guilt trip bull****. Fellas, WTF? What am I supposed to do? And she wonders why I drink so much!!!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Btw women. You wonder what your husband and his guy friends talk about when they are at the bar? Read these posts of mine. Same thousand year old complaints. Rehashed by every man to have ever put a ring on those fingers of yours.

And yes. Happy 11th to me, lol. Of course she had a wonderful day. I made sure of it because I love this damn woman with all of my heart and I want her to be happy above all.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

After I read the first post I thought "wow, is he drunk?" Second post, yep, he's buzzed.

As for the gist of your message...I dunno dude I think maybe you are just reaching a point in your marriage where it isn't working for you anymore. It's clear you love her. But it seems in order for you to be happy, she would have to do a lot of changing. So do you really love her as she is? And maybe yes you do, but can you stay in the relationship and be happy if she stays as she is? Again...it seems the bottom line is that you don't accept her as she is and want her to change before you can be happy. Doubtful the amount of change she would have to do is going to happen.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead: Just go see the movie, with your daughter too, and if she acts up saying "Oh you went without me huh? I would have liked to have seen that movie with you. What, you don't want to spend time with your wife and kids?" Just remind her that she said: "I really dont feel like sitting in a movie theater", and that you'd rather not force her to do something she wouldn't want to do.

As a SW fan, new SW movies are a joke to me, it breaks too much lore. I can't bring myself to go see the new one considering how the last one was the first SW movie I wanted to walk out from.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Grow up- Dude.

From one timeout poster to another-

Oh- you may want to rethink the bong usage and everything your dudes chat about over beers-

Your woman has elevated needs that you seem to have missed.

Happy bro days!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tell your wife you are going to the movie tomorrow and ask her would she like to come.It’s then up to her whether she comes or not.
You go whatever happens.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Tell your wife you are going to the movie tomorrow and ask her would she like to come.It’s then up to her whether she comes or not.
> You go whatever happens.


*I’m completely with my good friend Andy! Just put the ball squarely on her end of the court!

Make the offer to her to go see the flick! If she says “yes,” then it’s a nice family outing; if she says “no,” then it’s her loss!

And FYI, either choice does not replicate selfishness in the very least!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Seems like you give in a lot.

That sends the message that your needs aren't important, so no surprise that she doesn't act like they're important.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, 59 years old, 37 years married (first marriage for both of us), & never went to a bar as I don't drink. You taught your wife how to treat you. You became a pushover. As one poster said, you can invite her to join you to see the movie. If she doesn't want to go, then go alone! 

If you want to go backpacking & she doesn't want to go, then go! Did she go with you before? If she did, then she changed her behavior. It's bait & switch. Not all women try to change their husbands. I didn't. My husband did not try to change me either. I was a "geek" in college & still a "geek" today. Nothing changed. Best of luck to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> ..."And I'm back" (radio guy voice) after a short ban for my lip lol.
> 
> So when is it ok to be a little selfish in your relationship? We are always taught to be selfless in a marriage right? So when is it acceptable to be a little bit of a selfish brat for lack of a better term, when it comes to your own wishes and needs?
> 
> ...


You are married to one woman, please don't say we are all the same, we aren't. You are attacking 50% of the human race here.:frown2: 
Speaking for myself I would have gone to see that film with you, but on the rare occasions we go to see a film, its one that we both want to see.We recently went to see Murder on the Orient Express and enjoyed it. I wouldn't choose a film that I know he wouldn't like.

Some people are just rather selfish and self centered. My husband's ex often wanted him to watch those historical romance films with her which he did even though he hated them. I would never ask him to see a film like that so we compromise and find one we both like.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Btw women. You wonder what your husband and his guy friends talk about when they are at the bar? Read these posts of mine. Same thousand year old complaints. Rehashed by every man to have ever put a ring on those fingers of yours.
> 
> And yes. Happy 11th to me, lol. Of course she had a wonderful day. I made sure of it because I love this damn woman with all of my heart and I want her to be happy above all.


That's what YOU talk about, its not what many man talk about.. Many married man don't go to bars.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One thing my wife has learned is that I love her very intensely, yet at the same time, I have no fear of losing her or the relationship.


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> One thing my wife has learned is that I love her very intensely, yet at the same time, I have no fear of losing her or the relationship.


Bravo Sam!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> Tell your wife you are going to the movie tomorrow and ask her would she like to come.It’s then up to her whether she comes or not.
> You go whatever happens.





Roselyn said:


> Woman here, 59 years old, 37 years married (first marriage for both of us), & never went to a bar as I don't drink. You taught your wife how to treat you. You became a pushover. As one poster said, you can invite her to join you to see the movie. If she doesn't want to go, then go alone!
> 
> If you want to go backpacking & she doesn't want to go, then go! Did she go with you before? If she did, then she changed her behavior. It's bait & switch. Not all women try to change their husbands. I didn't. My husband did not try to change me either. I was a "geek" in college & still a "geek" today. Nothing changed. Best of luck to you.





samyeagar said:


> One thing my wife has learned is that I love her very intensely, yet at the same time, I have no fear of losing her or the relationship.


All of these are spot on. You need to stop putting your wife on a pedestal and compromising what you want and who you are for her. What you are doing is approval seeking behavior so put an end to it. She'll respect you more for it and those fights you have will disappear.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I defer to my wife when it is important to her, and she defers to me when something is important to me. When we both have a strong feeling about something that is not in harmony, we'll either compromise or each do what matters to us depending on the specifics.

It would be unhealthy to always give in, or always insist on your own way. There is nothing wrong with being selfish - in moderation, and for your own well-being, especially when it doesn't harm your partner.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> One thing my wife has learned is that I love her very intensely, yet at the same time, I have no fear of losing her or the relationship.


It's difficult to over-emphasize how critical this is. I use to have just that fear, in fact was crippled by it at times. Losing that fear was something I processed through for maybe as long as a year. As counter-intuitive as it may appear to some, losing the fear over outcomes has changed our marriage for the better, maybe vastly better, in both my and my wife's views.


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

As was mentioned, you're the one who put her on the pedestal, and trying to take her down from there well let's call it a train wreck waiting to happen.

I've made a helluva lot of money playing the hedge fund games, and I'm betting that you won't see your 12th anniversary.

Sorry dude.


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## Parttimehippie (Dec 23, 2017)

I believe it is ok to be selfish sometimes. And it is Ok to have a life outside of work. We all need that. My husband and I have very different interests, and we don't expect each other to have the same interests. But we do stuff together, too. 

Is there a chance she is resentful about you enjoying yourself? Was there a hobby that she used to enjoy that she doesn't anymore, or has she shown interest in? She might be in a slump, and needs some excitement. I feel that way sometimes! I spend the vast majority of my off-work time caring for my family, and don't often do things just for me. In fact, I only went on 3 little day hikes last year. 

I would make this offer: "Honey (or whatever you call her), pick a day and go do something you want. I got the house/chores/kids for a whole day." She will melt!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm just curious. Did you go see the movie? 

I love science fiction, yet the last three were hard to sit through.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well, I think it depends on the 2 people involved, what they need for personal space/time, and how much each other respects that. Personally, I think it's important to encourage time with separate friends, or doing things separately that you both enjoy. Not everyone is like that though, and maybe your wife is just one of those people. It might be worth sitting her down and explaining to her that you really need to just do "you" once in awhile, and you should also encourage her to get out and do "her" as well.


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