# Hurting...need support



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Just hit me like a ton of bricks. Feeling very sad. Some here know my wife left me on Friday. I have been doing pretty good, but today while I am working I am feeling the loss and miss her.

I want to call her but trying to 180 and not wanting to show weakness and being needy.


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## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

(((( HUGS )))) i know you're in pain. being at work is the WORST when all you want to do is go lay in your bed and cry. anexity levels are high, and you prob cant think straight. If you called her would it change anything ?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TIM.. Remember its not YOU its HER.

Be strong, don't give her any satisfaction. Let her go and she may come back to you... you are doing your best keep your head up. She is going through the same right now too.

No one died. The sun will rise!

Just like when i lost my long term job.... devastating. However I now have he best job ever! Sometimes life throws your curve balls it's part of living.

Its her issue not yours... move on.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

nmc said:


> (((( HUGS )))) i know you're in pain. being at work is the WORST when all you want to do is go lay in your bed and cry. anexity levels are high, and you prob cant think straight. If you called her would it change anything ?


Thank you for the hugs. It would probably make me feel better just to call her and see how she is doing, but not sure if this is the right thing to do. Torn.

I know when we talked a bit the other day and emailed to agree to MC, I was feeling better the rest of that day. 

Maybe I agree to myself to call her later today but make sure I am 180 proofed before and keep it short.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> TIM.. Remember its not YOU its HER.
> 
> Be strong, don't give her any satisfaction. Let her go and she may come back to you... you are doing your best keep your head up. She is going through the same right now too.
> 
> ...



Thank you. I know, I know. 17 years of being together is really hard to break, especially for me who was very happy in the marriage.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Just a bit of friendly advice, if you ever saw yourself being a religious person, now would be the time to act on it


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Just a bit of friendly advice, if you ever saw yourself being a religious person, now would be the time to act on it


You are right. I/We were. After she dropped the bomb earlier this year, she stopped because it was interfering with her workouts and I stopped as well, not wanting to go alone. I know it was a big mistake. I should have stayed with it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

This is me said:


> You are right. I/We were. After she dropped the bomb earlier this year, she stopped because it was interfering with her workouts and I stopped as well, not wanting to go alone. I know it was a big mistake. I should have stayed with it.


I'm sure that in the very least, it was interfering with her plans. Massive personal strength is required to follow through with the 180. Now is an excellent time to consider going back. I couldn't hurt to ask for a little help from above


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I don’t know your specific situation, but when my wife left for a while it hurt, hurt deep. But as I was sitting alone I realized something. My wife only physically left that day. I had really lost her long before that. She was emotionally checked out; she gave nothing to the relationship. She was unapproachable in every way. She slept in the same bed, but if I could not touch her, talk to her, feel her, kiss her, make love to her, then what was I really missing by her not physically being there? Nothing! 

The pain of her being gone was no deeper than the pain of her being there. The differnce was that with her there, I could never get over it. With her gone, you will eventually be able to move on.

If this is the same for you, you are not missing her; you are missing the fantasy of what you wanted with her. You can’t live a fantasy; you have to live in reality. 

You cannot move forward and find happiness for yourself if you are hanging on to something that is not even real. Don’t look at it as a loss; look at it as a new beginning. You are going to find yourself, you are going to find someone that love and cares about you with free will, and they will give all that you give. You now have learned what you need for yourself in a relationship; you will know what kind of woman to be with and what kind of woman to NOT be with.

Don’t think about what you had, or wished you had. Think about how GREAT it will be when you find a woman that openly, happily, joyfully gives you all that you desire because she wants too. Because you give those things to her and she appreciates and returns it. This is not the end, it’s the beginning!

Who knows, maybe that will be your wife, but maybe the only way she will know it is by not having you for a while?

Chin up brother! You could be on your way to the happiest time of your life, but not if you are closed off to finding it.

I know its hard, I know it hurts, but only as much as you allow it too. Keep yourself busy, try your best to keep your mind on anything possitive in your life. Its there, you just have to look for it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I don’t know your specific situation, but when my wife left for a while it hurt, hurt deep. But as I was sitting alone I realized something. My wife only physically left that day. I had really lost her long before that. She was emotionally checked out; she gave nothing to the relationship. She was unapproachable in every way. She slept in the same bed, but if I could not touch her, talk to her, feel her, kiss her, make love to her, then what was I really missing by her not physically being there? Nothing!
> 
> The pain of her being gone was no deeper than the pain of her being there. The differnce was that with her there, I could never get over it. With her gone, you will eventually be able to move on.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the feedback. She was never fully out of the marriage but without a doubt disconnected. In the end you are correct, with or without her I need to move forward. My emotions are natural and will need to go through them as I was this morning.


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## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

so, did you call her yet ?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Have not. It sounds like the majority think I should not call.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Have not. It sounds like the majority think I should not call.


Agree... let her contact you. You should be prepared for a 30 day period where you let her do the contacting. She needs her space to figure out what she wants. Be strong. Let her go. Make her wonder if what she did was right. Keep the 180 up. Believe me she's as tortured as you... since she left its up to her to come back..not you.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Agree... let her contact you. You should be prepared for a 30 day period where you let her do the contacting. She needs her space to figure out what she wants. Be strong. Let her go. Make her wonder if what she did was right. Keep the 180 up. Believe me she's as tortured as you... since she left its up to her to come back..not you.


I was just about to give in and then read this. Wow this is so hard to do. For a minute I thought I would email, then thought about a quick call...

I was very brief with her on the last emails. As simple and short as typing "OK". Very unlike me. I worry this is sending her further down the wrong path. 

I will wait.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

This is me said:


> I was just about to give in and then read this. Wow this is so hard to do. For a minute I thought I would email, then thought about a quick call...
> 
> I was very brief with her on the last emails. As simple and short as typing "OK". Very unlike me. I worry this is sending her further down the wrong path.
> 
> I will wait.


Don't call. Don't worry. A short OK is great. She is more than capable of sending herself further down the wrong path without your doing anything. Since you have absolutely no objective reason to believe that anything you do or don't do would work in a positive or negative fashion, the less said or done, the better. This way you can be sure you are not making things worse and avoid making yourself feel worse.

Meanwhile, exercise and quiet study will help you strengthen and calm yourself for the demanding situations you will certainly find yourself facing in the future.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> I was just about to give in and then read this. Wow this is so hard to do. For a minute I thought I would email, then thought about a quick call...
> 
> I was very brief with her on the last emails. As simple and short as typing "OK". Very unlike me. I worry this is sending her further down the wrong path.
> 
> I will wait.


You didn't leave...she did!
I would take the attitude of "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"

I know it's hard but pursuing her is absolutely the wrong thing... let her know by not responding that you are willing to move on. This will eat at her inside...her brain is a mess right now. She needs time to sort it all out.

This might actually earn you some respect... get her to re-think what she actually wants.

If she gets angry that you haven't contacted her ... tell her you've been busy getting on in life and that she can come back and talk anytime she wants that you are here in our home if she needs to talk. Let her make the move in that direction... stay focused.

Its hard at the time to realize that YOU have the upper hand... don't lose that by being weak. She misbehaved.

Put yourself in the mindset that you are OK with or without her... work on that. Right now you are single by her actions. She is the same as anyone else to you until she wants to come back.

There have been so many times that I lost the upper hand with my wife over the past two years.... I've now learned how to apply unrelenting pressure towards her and not ease up. She is responding. Be true to your goal.... you want a loving relationship with your wife but in reality it has to come from her. Give her time and space she obviously chose that.

In my own case my wife lost the "upper" hand the moment she uttered ILYNILWY two years ago.... I didn't realize it at the time but now I do. I'm using that to my full advantage now by telling her exactly how our relationship sexually will look going forward! I looked deep at our marriage and made darn sure my needs will be met when we reconcile. Or we will divorce. She has two choices... I already told her if this sounded crazy she can leave...guess what she is still around and seemingly happier. She has until the end of November to show progress sexually.

Use this to your advantage...be a man!
Don't just accept her back...do so on your terms. Be fair but be firm.

In the meantime work on yourself and think about you want if she comes back.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Don't call. Don't worry. A short OK is great. She is more than capable of sending herself further down the wrong path without your doing anything. Since you have absolutely no objective reason to believe that anything you do or don't do would work in a positive or negative fashion, the less said or done, the better. This way you can be sure you are not making things worse and avoid making yourself feel worse.
> 
> Meanwhile, exercise and quiet study will help you strengthen and calm yourself for the demanding situations you will certainly find yourself facing in the future.


Good advice! Any thoughts on quiet study? I picked up Divorce Remedy last night, but think I need to find something that is unrelated to these sad days.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You didn't leave...she did!
> I would take the attitude of "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"
> 
> I know it's hard but pursuing her is absolutely the wrong thing... let her know by not responding that you are willing to move on. This will eat at her inside...her brain is a mess right now. She needs time to sort it all out.
> ...


Well she has agreed to MC and also mentioned coming by over the weekend to help clean around the house. I can see she is making some efforts. I guess that is why I ...never mind, I can see I keep going back to the way that didn't work. Appreciate the support.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

This is me said:


> Good advice! Any thoughts on quiet study? I picked up Divorce Remedy last night, but think I need to find something that is unrelated to these sad days.


This is an individual choice, of course, but I recommend classic Russian literature starting with the short stories of Fyodor Dostoevsky like White Nights and The Eternal Husband


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Well she has agreed to MC and also mentioned coming by over the weekend to help clean around the house. I can see she is making some efforts. I guess that is why I ...never mind, I can see I keep going back to the way that didn't work. Appreciate the support.


Awesome... think about what you need if she comes back.

Don't go back to the same...use this to your advantage.

It's like when Japan did a sneak attack...how did that work out for them?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Day 3 of no contact from her. Last time we talked and exchanged emails she mentioned coming by this weekend and would talk with me before. There is a grayness as to if this is still on or not. 

Tonight is girls night out for her, I expect she will be getting support from those looking out for her feelings and not what is best for the marriage. How ever this plays out could throw a wrench in her coming by over the weekend or even doing MC if she is still thinking about it. Last girls night out she told me she did 5 shots which is very unlike her. A definite red flag as to her troubles.

Tonight I have a party to attend and will likely have many asking where she is at. I may default to the GNO to avoid too much depressing discussions.


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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

Fear of the unknown is the biggest fear. Being without that person who shared your life for so long is crippling. Some move on, some don't. My mother still pines for my father and they divorced 14 years ago. She never met anyone else. Trust me, for your own sake it's best to let go fully. If she comes back, she comes back. If she doesn't, believe in yourself enough that what's happening is for the right reasons. 
Read something inspiring. I just read 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne. Made a huge difference in my life. Best of luck. You're not alone.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

hunter_aussie said:


> Fear of the unknown is the biggest fear. Being without that person who shared your life for so long is crippling. Some move on, some don't. My mother still pines for my father and they divorced 14 years ago. She never met anyone else. Trust me, for your own sake it's best to let go fully. If she comes back, she comes back. If she doesn't, believe in yourself enough that what's happening is for the right reasons.
> Read something inspiring. I just read 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne. Made a huge difference in my life. Best of luck. You're not alone.


Thank you. I will look into that book. I definitely need some inspiration. All in all I think I am handling this pretty well, but these moments of loss hit me in both the head and heart.

I find myself at moments realizing I need to let her go, but it is still so fresh and she is still giving me signs she is not certain she wants to end us. Very difficult to balance the want for hope and the realization that I may need to say good bye to us.


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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

As Dr Phil says (don't judge me) - Time heals nothing; it's what you do with the time that counts ...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

So she just left me a voicemail to say she will come by tomorrow to pick up a few more things.

I have yet to return the call.

Thoughts?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is me said:


> Just hit me like a ton of bricks. Feeling very sad. Some here know my wife left me on Friday. I have been doing pretty good, but today while I am working I am feeling the loss and miss her.
> 
> I want to call her but trying to 180 and not wanting to show weakness and being needy.


My heart goes out to you, as I know this pain 

However, keep with the 180-- you will feel accomplished and in control. 

This too shall pass. Maybe call a friend up to join you for a drink tonight? Or just go out by yourself (I love going out alone but I'm weird LOL).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is me said:


> So she just left me a voicemail to say she will come by tomorrow to pick up a few more things.
> 
> I have yet to return the call.
> 
> Thoughts?


Don't reply. She knows you got the message.

When she comes over tomorrow to get her things, don't follow her around. In fact, be doing something (i would be painting when hubs would come over)...do something that keeps you busy so you're not up her butt while she's there.

You will be ok! This part of it just sucks. I know


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is me said:


> Day 3 of no contact from her. Last time we talked and exchanged emails she mentioned coming by this weekend and would talk with me before. There is a grayness as to if this is still on or not.
> 
> Tonight is girls night out for her, I expect she will be getting support from those looking out for her feelings and not what is best for the marriage. How ever this plays out could throw a wrench in her coming by over the weekend or even doing MC if she is still thinking about it. Last girls night out she told me she did 5 shots which is very unlike her. A definite red flag as to her troubles.
> 
> Tonight I have a party to attend and will likely have many asking where she is at. I may default to the GNO to avoid too much depressing discussions.


Oh! A party is good. If people ask where she is, tell them the truth....she walked out on you last week. No shame. And try to have a good time


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You didn't leave...she did!
> I would take the attitude of "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"
> 
> I know it's hard but pursuing her is absolutely the wrong thing... let her know by not responding that you are willing to move on. This will eat at her inside...her brain is a mess right now. She needs time to sort it all out.
> ...


F YES! :iagree:


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My heart goes out to you, as I know this pain
> 
> However, keep with the 180-- you will feel accomplished and in control.
> 
> This too shall pass. Maybe call a friend up to join you for a drink tonight? Or just go out by yourself (I love going out alone but I'm weird LOL).


Thank you TG! I have a party tonight which should help. The only issue is most of those there will be asking where she is and other know what is going on. Not sure I want to disclose too much. I need to work on getting that feeling of being in control.

I look very tired these days which is not helpful. Seem to be getting sleep, but the stress is not helping. Time will heal.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> F YES! :iagree:


I agree that is brilliant and well said!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Wow this whole thing is really showing me how weak I really am. Painful.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not painful! inspiring!

I mean, now you can just work on fixing you. Don't look at it as if you're weak, but how you can get strong.

I think it's a blessing, really. Time to man up! Seriously, the possibilities are endless.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Not painful! inspiring!
> 
> I mean, now you can just work on fixing you. Don't look at it as if you're weak, but how you can get strong.
> 
> I think it's a blessing, really. Time to man up! Seriously, the possibilities are endless.


I know and thank you. I hope when this is all over that I can look back and say that I did my best to be strong and do what is right. When the fog clears, I hope to have a better vision of those endless possibilities.

The reality that I deal with is knowing how many years I dated and the many girls I dated before we met. Plenty. I never really enjoyed the dating days and was much more comfortable in settling in to a home life with her. Being single is not what I want, but undertand it is a step to a new life if this is over. Not getting any younger either.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I hate dating too. I'm not good around people sometimes...so awkward and stuff.

But for now, focus on you and just learn to be alone and love yourself again.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Never liked being alone. How do I learn to enjoy it? I guess I do like it sometimes, but life seems so much sweeter when it is shared. In my eyes. 

I appreciate the advice!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, do things you enjoy. Start doing more just by yourself. If you don't like being with you, who else will?

I am a little weird in that aspect as I like to be alone. I don't mind it. I used to, then i got comfortable with myself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tariq456 said:


> I can understand your feelings but don't waste your time and call her and ask for coming home . Hopefully she never say "No" .


:scratchhead:


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Had a good time at a party last night, but could not help and notice of the 40 or so people there I was the only one without a spouse. Sad realization. Some people asked where she was, some knew what is going on which helped knowing I had some silent support in the wings.

She is coming by today at noon, to in part help with a few chores and to pick up more stuff to take with her. I will try to follow the 180 the best I can. 

Any thoughts?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just be calm and collected when she shows up. Don't follow her around the house and DON'T ask to talk about things.

I know you're hurting and BELIEVE ME I know how painful it will be to see her come and go. But you can't ride that rollercoaster. It's a sickening ride.

Glad you had fun at the party. It's ok to be single/solo right now. Having a wife doesn't make you any better or complete.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Just be calm and collected when she shows up. Don't follow her around the house and DON'T ask to talk about things.
> 
> I know you're hurting and BELIEVE ME I know how painful it will be to see her come and go. But you can't ride that rollercoaster. It's a sickening ride.
> 
> Glad you had fun at the party. It's ok to be single/solo right now. Having a wife doesn't make you any better or complete.


That Girl, I just want to thank you for being there. You have been so very helpful to me through this very hard time in my life. 

Have a great day today!


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

This is me said:


> Had a good time at a party last night, but could not help and notice of the 40 or so people there I was the only one without a spouse. Sad realization. Some people asked where she was, some knew what is going on which helped knowing I had some silent support in the wings.


I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You have it within you to be strong. Believe in yourself.

Did you ever think that the reason you were the only one at the party solo is that your friendships have gravitated toward people who are like you? In other words, when you're married, you tend to make friends who are also married. It's just something people do unless we intentionally reach out to someone in a different phase of life from us.

Try to make new friendships with single / divorced people; I'm not talking dating, but true friendships. Not to reject your current friends, but new friends who know what you're going through can be a source of comfort.

When you compare yourself to a party where everyone there is married, it will make things seem worse. If you compare yourself to a party where everyone else in the room is also single, you'll fit in.

It's tough to reach out when you're hurting this bad, but this is the time you need friends the most. Do you attend a church or synagogue? If so, do they have a singles group or a divorce recovery support group? Is this perhaps a good time to begin attending a church or synagogue? It all depends on how you feel about faith and spiritual matters, but a lot of modern-thinking churches and synagogues (avoid ones that only want to put you on a guilt trip) have a plethora of support services available for people who are going through exactly what you are now.

I'm curious as to why the others in the room don't know yet. Is it because you haven't had time to tell them? Is it because you're afraid if you tell others, then that will somehow make the situation more "real?" Try reaching out to your friends. Don't badmouth your wife, but just tell the facts. You'll be amazed how many people have been through similar situations who would love to be there to support you. People you've never suspected had a problem in the world may have things in their past that make them perfectly suited to help you out now.

Just be careful about comparing your life to others'. It's a no-win game. We all do it when we're miserable, but asking "Why can't I have that life?" only prolongs the misery.

You'll get through this. Stay strong. We're all rooting for you!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You have it within you to be strong. Believe in yourself.
> 
> I'm curious as to why the others in the room don't know yet. Is it because you haven't had time to tell them?
> 
> You'll get through this. Stay strong. We're all rooting for you!


Thank you. Some people knew, but others had not heard yet as this is one week into it. I didn't want it to be the topic at this party. They will find out soon enough.

Thank you again!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

So she just left and it went as well as it could. 

She collected a few things then we went to lunch. We had light hearted talk and were polite to each other. Caught up on a few family things going on, how we are handling this situation, her new routine as she takes a diffferent train line to work, how her life is living with her sister family, how my job is going (very good btw), etc.

We will see each other again on Monday for our first MC with this new Female Therapist. We had a Male Therapist back in the spring who we both agreed was not doing us any good. This one was recommended by a couple who repaired things, where the one in the spring was recommended by a Divorced person.

I almost feel like I am breaking the 180 by making myself available and less mysterious by sharing so much information with her. When we parted she gave me a big hug and said it is good to see me with a kiss on the cheek. 

Did I fail here or is this good?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

One other thought. Very un-180, but after a nice lunch together and a hug good-bye, I was thinking that we used to go to church every week together. Would it be so bad to offer for us to meet and go together? 

I can see it breaks the 180 rule sort of a date, although Church is not really a date. Thoughts?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope. If anyone initiates contact or get togethers, it should be her.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I think it sounds like you are doing a really good job of being strong, even though you don't feel like it. It sounds like she wants things to work between the two of you - otherwise, she wouldn't go for MC... It sounds as if you are still someone to her.

but like others have said, initiating contact could make it much worse, and force her in the other direction. If you were begging and texting/calling all of the time, she probably wouldn't be going to MC with you or lunch either.

I know it's hard but chin up, and start to love yourself again. Do something for yourself because you deserve it. Let your wife know what she will lose if she chooses to walk away.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Lydia said:


> I think it sounds like you are doing a really good job of being strong, even though you don't feel like it. It sounds like she wants things to work between the two of you - otherwise, she wouldn't go for MC... It sounds as if you are still someone to her.
> 
> but like others have said, initiating contact could make it much worse, and force her in the other direction. If you were begging and texting/calling all of the time, she probably wouldn't be going to MC with you or lunch either.
> 
> I know it's hard but chin up, and start to love yourself again. Do something for yourself because you deserve it. Let your wife know what she will lose if she chooses to walk away.


Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. I agree 100% to what you are saying. 

Well I balked/failed, before seeing these responses. When the thought of asking her to Church crossed my mind, I was tired, feeling down and called her, it rang on and so I did not leave a message. She called back a while later and asked if I had called her, I told her to take or leave the following thought and asked if she be interested in going to Church together, she replied, "Eventually". I said OK.

I think that is a positive, but will back off. 

We have MC tomorrow. Any thoughts for me on doing this right?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The thing is...we start to see progress with our 180...in ourselves and get responses. So we stop the 180, thinking we are "healed" but we're not.

I equate it to a mentally ill person who thinks they are better because the meds are working...so they stop taking the meds, and their illness comes back.

You are in the new stage of the 180, where you're doing it somewhat for a reaction from your wife. Fine. We all do it. But when it starts working is when it gets a reaction from YOU and it becomes your way of life-- not just something you are doing to make your wife come back.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thanks TG. I get it. I reread the 180 list and believe I am doing pretty good on most of it after one week. 

Last night went to a party and made some new friends. Not exactly my crowd, but I enjoyed meeting some new people. I plan on buying a new guitar, I have had one for years that is old and hard to play, I was thinking this morning, that I will move my stuff into her bathroom which would be more convenient for one, and then remodel the one I used which has needed it for years. Keeping busy, being happy and taking it all one day at a time.

I will keep at it!

Is there any advice on my approach to MC tomorrow?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Thanks TG. I get it. I reread the 180 list and believe I am doing pretty good on most of it after one week.
> 
> Last night went to a party and made some new friends. Not exactly my crowd, but I enjoyed meeting some new people. I plan on buying a new guitar, I have had one for years that is old and hard to play, I was thinking this morning, that I will move my stuff into her bathroom which would be more convenient for one, and then remodel the one I used which has needed it for years. Keeping busy, being happy and taking it all one day at a time.
> 
> ...


Don't appear needy... that church call made you look needy. Stop it!

That "eventually" comment was her controlling you... don't let her do that! Don't give her any satisfaction... make her squirm. That's just like my wife's "trying" its a psychological back door to failure!

Remember SHE chose her path LET HER GO. Just be there if SHE wants to come back. 

Tell the marriage counselor that you love your wife and that you want to work the marriage out but only if she wants to also with 100% effort on her part otherwise she can stay gone. Also tell the MC that you are preparing to move on without her that you understand she may never have the same feelings for you and that you are sorry she feels that way however you can accept that and move on with your life. Tell the marriage counselor you want your wife to be happy with whatever she chooses. Keep the upper hand make your wife make HER decision. Be a man she can RESPECT. Tell the marriage counselor EXACTLY what you need from your wife if she decides to return... nothing less than a win/win permanent fix will do. Remember that! Be firm be strong. Otherwise you will lose her or end up in the same situation... you need win/win.

Stop being weak. You are supporting her decision. Keep the 180 up... treat her as already gone. It'll serve you well. Remember this is a critical session! Bring your game face.

You can bet she'll bring hers... be ready.
Seriously get your mind straight tonight. You need to be on 100% tomorrow.

Put it in this perspective... it's not like your DOG died. Dogs are totally loyal with unconditional love.

Your wife although at times great is no where near as loyal as a DOG... she can be replaced.
Your DOG can't. She chose her path let her travel it. You have our own path and their are lots of ladies that would love to meet you for you. Keep your head held high it's her issue!
Don't leave without a win/win on the table for her to choose or not choose.

Replace her with a dog if she doesn't choose you. Dogs attract women.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Don't appear needy... that church call made you look needy. Stop it!
> 
> That "eventually" comment was her controlling you... don't let her do that! Don't give her any satisfaction... make her squirm. That's just like my wife's "trying" its a psychological back door to failure!
> 
> ...


Someone sent me a joke not to long ago that said if you put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car, only the dog will be happy to see you when you open it.

This is very inspirational. I will be rereading this before MC.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TIM... You and I are in the same situation only difference is my wife is still here,

WE have to use this to OUR advantage... your wife left, so did mine in emotions. WE remained committed to our marriage throughout.

We can hold our heads high.


Think of this like getting a job.... you can make your biggest push for higher earnings BEFORE you get hired. Once there companies know that don't have to do much to keep you with the economy. Use this situation to YOUR advantage.

Your wife is the same way, she left (so did mine) so when they return to ask for their wife job back it'll be on OUR terms. They pulled this stunt now make them understand it's a two-way street.

My wife KNOWS what I need from her now. So far she has stayed so I believe she understands and is willing to meet me halfway. It's win/win... she got a better husband and father AND I get a better wife. Win/win.... I will not accept a sexless marriage PLAIN and SIMPLE.

My wife is free to leave anytime and she knows it! So far she seems intent on staying. Sghe is making HER right choice. It's taken two years!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MC today. Was never this unsettled when we lived together and went. I guess it is part of the feeling like we are already over. Just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I know it is not in my best interest to be in a marriage with someone who lost her love for me, but with so much time and memories invested and the fact that I was happily married, seems to be a waste to end it. 

I know it is not over yet, but the reality is we are mostly there and MC may not be a solution.

Wish me well.

I know I need to toughen up, man-up and see the best possibilities for me in the future, but the sad truth is I still love her and believe I need to learn to not love her to get over her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind the purpose of the 180 is not for her, it's for you...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> MC today. Was never this unsettled when we lived together and went. I guess it is part of the feeling like we are already over. Just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
> 
> I know it is not in my best interest to be in a marriage with someone who lost her love for me, but with so much time and memories invested and the fact that I was happily married, seems to be a waste to end it.
> 
> ...


Not over until it's over... good luck


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## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

this may or may not be good advice.... BUT.. im gonna say it anyway.... because, what do you have to loose. Try to act like its not bothering you. Appear to be moving on with your life. Smile, be happy.... one or 2 things will happen, she will get scared that she is loosing you and come home, or she will continue doing what she is doing. just dont let her see you are hurting anymore. as long as she sees that, she feels power over you. Take that power away. take control of your own emotions and stop letting her dictate how you feel, with her actions. GO OUT, have a good time, meet new people, 
THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS.... YOU get to create a BRAND NEW LIFE and you get to do whatever you WANT to do, what ever makes YOU happy.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

nmc said:


> this may or may not be good advice.... BUT.. im gonna say it anyway.... because, what do you have to loose. Try to act like its not bothering you. Appear to be moving on with your life. Smile, be happy.... one or 2 things will happen, she will get scared that she is loosing you and come home, or she will continue doing what she is doing. just dont let her see you are hurting anymore. as long as she sees that, she feels power over you. Take that power away. take control of your own emotions and stop letting her dictate how you feel, with her actions. GO OUT, have a good time, meet new people,
> THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS.... YOU get to create a BRAND NEW LIFE and you get to do whatever you WANT to do, what ever makes YOU happy.


I appreciate it.


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## martinboycot (Nov 14, 2011)

Brought back a lot of memories of me going through a similar thing a few years back


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The bad thing is when your betrayed it hurts like he!!. The good thing is, if you do the right things to take care of yourself, sooner rather than later you do get over the one that wronged you. Not only that, you will look back on it as being lucky your not still with someone who had so little feeling for you that they would do something like that. 

For me it didn't turn to hate but it did turn to pity and maybe even a little contempt. It doesn't feel bad knowing you found someone new and you realize things are turning out a lot better than they would have if you stayed with someone who would willingly break your heart.


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## christinadanderson (Nov 15, 2011)

I'm going out on a limb here and disagreeing with you. I think if you really miss her give her a call. If you were both unhappy find out why and fix it. The man is the one who is suppose to chase after the girl so I see no harm in doing a little bit of chasing.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Well today was something different. The MC didn't happen because of an error in confirming the appointment. I thought it was confirmed, but they claim it wasn't. So we ended up going to Panera and looking online together for another option. I think we found one.

After some talk we parted ways with not one but two hugs and even a kiss on the lips.

I know I broke some rules but my heart was right and I think hers was warming.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Well today was something different. The MC didn't happen because of an error in confirming the appointment. I thought it was confirmed, but they claim it wasn't. So we ended up going to Panera and looking online together for another option. I think we found one.
> 
> After some talk we parted ways with not one but two hugs and even a kiss on the lips.
> 
> I know I broke some rules but my heart was right and I think hers was warming.


Good job...sounds like she is reconsidering. Do you even really need a MC? How about just taking it slow and easy with her and let her come back on her own?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Good job...sounds like she is reconsidering. Do you even really need a MC? How about just taking it slow and easy with her and let her come back on her own?


I think we do need a MC, but the right one, which is a different matter. I also think she needs an IC. She still blames me for everything, and I do not deny there are things I can improve on, but it is clear that she is in denial about what is going on in her head. 

She is unhappy about many things, she exposed to me yesterday she never liked our house and neighbors. 2 years ago we put an addition on it and after completed, she never decorated or ordered furniture, which is something she has always liked to do. I had to encourage her to do it.

Since we could not have kids, we really never got to meet others at kid events like soccer games. Most of her friends live 30 minutes away in the town we grew up in. I have made some friends in the neighborhood, but she never really tried.

Where we bought our house we got more home for the money and lower taxes. I got us in almost a debt free situation and only a couple years away from no mortgage, which believe she has been gaging the timing with her exit strategy.

I offered her that if we can repair things, that after sometime we could look to make a move back there. I agree somethings about this house are not good for retirement and it is really more home than we need.

This behavor with unhappy homes is very much like her parents and grandparents who moved all the time, where as my parents are still in the home that I grew up in. 

But home situation aside, her unhappiness and loss of feelings I believe is an internal issue that she needs to address with a IC.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> I think we do need a MC, but the right one, which is a different matter. I also think she needs an IC. She still blames me for everything, and I do not deny there are things I can improve on, but it is clear that she is in denial about what is going on in her head.
> 
> She is unhappy about many things, she exposed to me yesterday she never liked our house and neighbors. 2 years ago we put an addition on it and after completed, she never decorated or ordered furniture, which is something she has always liked to do. I had to encourage her to do it.
> 
> ...


Shes just posturing. She is thinking of getting back with you but wants to be in total control AND maintain the subservient status-quo she has you pegged for. The house complaint is just a way to make you feel like the bad guy. Make it seem like this is ALL YOUR FAULT. She's crazy. You are way too weak like a puppy dog with a tail between it's legs...that is NOT sexy at all. Used to be but not anymore. Shes done with your weakness.

She might need external therapy if YOU are unable to help her cope with her situation. I'm not sure if you really want her back she sounds like she'd be unhappy with any outcome. You know your wife you have to decide if YOU want her back even.

Both of you created your current situation.. sounds like she is having a mid-life crisis possibly related to Peri-menopause and in general the economy. She is questioning her life with you. You need to show her YOU are HER best option.

I wouldn't let her do this to you..When she brings up the house etc. tell her that is not a priority right now but can be addressed in due course IF our marriage continues. Tell her.."You left so our immediate priority is seeing if you want to move back and re-commit 100% to our marriage then later we can discuss our future home situation."
Without your involvement in our current marriage and situation we won't be discussing the future house now! Figure out if you want to stay married to me first! I'm here for you if you want that. I'm willing to give you my all if you will as well.

Be FIRM with her keep control or you will FAIL. She is like a slippery fish right now...gaff her.
There is only one scenario you should be aiming for a 100% WIN/WIN....That probably doesn't mean letting her run The show. We see what happens when she does. he's not capable of that job... you are if you become a man.

Quit trying to console her with "deals". Quit being a weakling. Quit "rewarding" bad behaviors on her part.

You both messed this up. Be the adult. BE THE MAN. For once.
In reality that has been the problem all along. Stand up to her. Don't be afraid of her. She is YOUR wife.

Turn into a man she can RESPECT...quit being a doorstop!
YOU need to be her counselor. Tough love.

Go watch RAMBO or something.
I was you... I got much better and my wife is much happier. Use this all to YOUR advantage.

You don't NEED her... however she may NEED you... let her decide.
Become the man she wants. You'll both end up much happier.

You have the high ground... let her climb up to where you are. Extend your hand at the top as she gets close.

There is NO QUICK FIX... be patient and be consistent and upbeat and happy.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

TIM - firstly, this another thread you started. It would be more helpful to you, and easier for people to post suggestions if you kept just one thread.



This is me said:


> I think we do need a MC, but the right one, which is a different matter. I also think she needs an IC. She still blames me for everything, and I do not deny there are things I can improve on, but it is clear that she is in denial about what is going on in her head. *IMHO if she's blaming you for everything (and to say this is 'unfair' is an understatement, she needs to start working on herself before you two working together. Just a thought.*
> 
> She is unhappy about many things, she exposed to me yesterday she never liked our house and neighbors. 2 years ago we put an addition on it and after completed, she never decorated or ordered furniture, which is something she has always liked to do. *Be careful she's not rewriting history. Were things good with the neighborhood/house at one point and now for her to look back, 'none of it was any good.' And it's never been any good and it's your fault. This can be tricky.*
> 
> ...


Yep. My wife has low self-esteem issues. Part of our communication issues is that if she senses that I might be even remotely critical (as constructively as I try), she cuts me off to defend herself, shift blame, rationalize, etc. She wants to jump into MC but I can't see the point if she can't engage in a healthy conversation. I'm just wondering if your wife needs to sort out her issues before (or at least during) MC.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

And I second what Trying2figureitout said too!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Last night she called to apologies for not being able to help that day with setting up a new MC. She was happy to hear we will be able to meet with her on Saturday. We talked about a few other family things and she wished me a good night.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Last night she called to apologies for not being able to help that day with setting up a new MC. She was happy to hear we will be able to meet with her on Saturday. We talked about a few other family things and she wished me a good night.


Good keep up the 180.... let her continue to come back to you and don't act needy. It's working don't let any slack in the line until you land her back in your home and start having regular sex. You are turning into a man she respects. Good work.

She needs to do the heavy lifting. She left.. let her return to a better more confident man who is willing to stand up to her.
This was her throwing a tantrum and locking herself in her room... then reality hit her smack dab on the head! Use this to your advantage.

Don't accept the previous dysfunction... fix your marriage permanently.
In reality you should be freakng glad this happened it's a do-over!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Bad day. Just feel sad and depressed. Cold weather and the holidays coming up is weighing on me. I know I need to count my blessings and see the positive things, but my true feeling is I am just sad.

Encouragement please.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

This is me said:


> Bad day. Just feel sad and depressed. Cold weather and the holidays coming up is weighing on me. I know I need to count my blessings and see the positive things, but my true feeling is I am just sad.
> 
> Encouragement please.


Here are a few that helped me through the hard days. Hang in there, “all is good, and all grows better”

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma. 

"Lord, you told me when I decided to follow you; you would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need you most, you leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testing’s. When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Margaret Fishback Powers, 1964

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 
2 Corinthians 4:16-18


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Bad day. Just feel sad and depressed. Cold weather and the holidays coming up is weighing on me. I know I need to count my blessings and see the positive things, but my true feeling is I am just sad.
> 
> Encouragement please.


Tim...

You need to get over the sadness...accept your reality and move on. I get why you feel sad but that affects you and the way you project yourself to others including your wife.

My wife about a year ago said during a conversation about our lack of sex life.... "Try to be happy"... I found out later on that is what exactly what she needed to re-connect with me again.

At the time I was thinking "Want me happy have sex with me!" but as I reflected I looked inward and realized she was right... in order for her to re-connect I had to make myself happy despite our non-existent sex life.

I took a while but I found one thing that was making me unhappy was not knowing about our future...I wanted it fixed! it had been a year. How long can this possibly take!?

So I decided that I needed a solid plan... someway to control what was happening in my life. Once I started on that plan that made me happier. A month ago I put some key pieces of my plan together since another year passed from her "happy" statement. I knew it was time for a fundamental shift to affect change. Once I executed those changes... I was totally happy. Just like when things were great in our marriage. I was back. I finally felt normal and full of energy. Life was great again.
Why? Because I executed my plan and saw major results.

So today I'm very happy... I feel normal my sex life will be fixed. All this reflects on my wife... she sees a truly happy energetic, funny and easy going husband again. She sees someone she can truly love again.

She even asked me to go out with her tomorrow night. She is happier obviously... it all started with me letting go of the sadness and having a plan. 

Think about that. Sadness solves nothing. You can affect positive change. Relish in all the small steps along the way. There are those... you just have to look.

Life's a journey... get out of the pot hole. Like the song says "After a storm there is a rainbow"

You are in control of your future. Lead your family out of this mess.

No one died.. you don't have terminal cancer, you aren't in jail for life....keep it in perspective
Give you wife time. Listen to her every word and reflect on what she said.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

She just called. We haven't talked for about 48 hours. She wanted to see how I am doing.Told her good and shared with her these big deals I have going, which is true. She wanted to confirm we are going to the MC on Saturday and I shared where it is. She will come by that morning and we will go together.

In 180 hindsight, what should I have done different?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> She just called. We haven't talked for about 48 hours. She wanted to see how I am doing.Told her good and shared with her these big deals I have going, which is true. She wanted to confirm we are going to the MC on Saturday and I shared where it is. She will come by that morning and we will go together.
> 
> In 180 hindsight, what should I have done different?


Nothing..you did great! Keep it up. Pat yourself on the back!

As long as she is out of the house... let her do the contacting!
Stay upbeat and friendly around her. 
Don't appear NEEDY.

Remember BRING YOUR GAME FACE ON SATURDAY. Make sure you don't appear weak or needy. Keep the high road and tension on her. Make your NEEDS known to the counselor. Don't be afraid to do that as your wife NEEDS to know. Put all your cards on the table.

Doesn't this feel great? She is reaching out to YOU because she NEEDS to.
Be the man she can RESPECT.

As long as your wife is out of the house... you have the upper hand. Use it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Nothing..you did great! Keep it up. Pat yourself on the back!
> 
> As long as she is out of the house... let her do the contacting!
> Stay upbeat and friendly around her.
> ...


Not sure how in depth we will get at the first meeting. I want to make sure this counselor is good. When you say make your needs known to the counselor, there seem to be some obvious ones, but not sure how to present them.

I would think number one is that she moves back home and comes back 100% committed to repair the marriage, no more 10% effort.

Number two, to be a loving wife in all ways.

Number three, that she seek help to learn how to take ownership of her feelings and happiness.

What else could I be missing?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Not sure how in depth we will get at the first meeting. I want to make sure this counselor is good. When you say make your needs known to the counselor, there seem to be some obvious ones, but not sure how to present them.
> 
> I would think number one is that she moves back home and comes back 100% committed to repair the marriage, no more 10% effort.
> 
> ...


Put them all strictly in terms of your feelings....


1. I would like for my wife to return home so we both can work 100% in repairing our marriage together. I only want her back if she is willing to commit to 100% effort upon her return. I am prepared to let her go if that is what makes her happier.

2. I need to feel love often from my wife. My wife needs to understand that sex is the way I feel connected to her and feel her love its how I feel close to her.... I strongly desire sex x times a whatever. I also need (whatever else) from a wife.

Suggestion: Take the online 5 love language assessment and find out the ways you feel love strongest. Mine are "quality time" and "physical touch". That way you can talk about what was lacking before that you need.

3. Leave off 3... that is her. Let her make those decisions. She is a capable adult.

In essence you want to set YOUR boundaries....make sure whatever you set its a win/win and that it is because you strongly feel that way. Don't accept your married life before... that didn't work so well. Think about what you really need from a wife. Think about what your marriage should look like.

Always state these things in terms of how YOU feel. That way you are not telling her to change but instead giving her guidelines of what you will accept from a wife. Let her decide whether she wants the job.


Lay your cards on the table ADMIT where you failed your wife. Let the counselor know you are committed to learning from your mistakes and that you are on that journey. You would like that journey eventually to include your wife.

Stay in control.... the counselor won't trust either of you. They know you both messed this up. Show her you are committed to owning up to your mistakes. All this will eventually get through to your wife. She'll respect that.

Good Luck


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Last night I was reading Dovorce Remedy and found it very interesting how much of the section on Mid Life Crisis for Men actually she exhibited over the past year or more. Cosmetic changes, plastic surgery interest and even recently a mention she has never been happy with our home. It was almost as if I was reading what she has been doing. The section did preface that the Walk Away Wife is very similar to the Male MLC.

Sadly, there is not much you can do. The last thing they want to hear from the one they are blaming (me) is that they are going through a MLC and the marriage has not been nearly as bad as they are saying. I thought we had a very good marriage.

In the end it says that you have to be patient times one million and could take months and years for them to realize the marriage is worth saving.

I fear that the extended damage from all this will not repair before she wakes from her funk.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Last night I was reading Dovorce Remedy and found it very interesting how much of the section on Mid Life Crisis for Men actually she exhibited over the past year or more. Cosmetic changes, plastic surgery interest and even recently a mention she has never been happy with our home. It was almost as if I was reading what she has been doing. The section did preface that the Walk Away Wife is very similar to the Male MLC.
> 
> Sadly, there is not much you can do. The last thing they want to hear from the one they are blaming (me) is that they are going through a MLC and the marriage has not been nearly as bad as they are saying. I thought we had a very good marriage.
> 
> ...


TIM... it is all a MLC with our wives... we just finally push them over the edge (not always our fault). I think they just get to the point they realize they are older and try desperately to hold on to their youth. They rebel against the very person they shouldn't in essence blaming him for their "oldness" realizing they "wasted" their youth on you.

Now it's not that bad... but I'm sure that is some of our wives thought process. Ideally what happens is the husband responds and realizes he let the marriage coast and re- invigorates the passion in his wife. then both recover to a happy marriage better for the experience.

You have the "inside track" on your own wife. She is waiting to LOVE you again. Stay consistent... work your butt off becoming a better man, always be happy around her. Eventually she will see your efforts are consistent and that you became a better you. That is what she needs to fall back in love with you. You have to transform... she obviously did not like the old you very well. You need to give her a brand new perspective on you... re-brand yourself and stay true to yourself.


Microsoft did that with Windows 7... Windows 7 is a "service pack" of Vista. But most people don't know that.... guess what people LOVE Windows 7 and the HATE Vista. Underneath they are near identical OS kernels... one more streamlined.

Microsoft listened to user gripes and changed Vista into 7.... huge success!

You are VISTA become 7... took Microsoft two years probably will take you the same time.

In essence become a YOU any woman would love. When you do that your own wife will notice and want you for herself. Let her come back to you... she needs to decide to do that not you. The flip side is your wif herself has to transform as the old her wsn't working either. Both of you need to transform to survive married to each other.. You start and she will follow.

We got here because our wives DID NOT see us that way after being married to us for a while... it's up to us to open their eyes for the second part of our marriage to them. WE are great husbands... deep down our wives know that but their feelings get in the way. Change her feelings... women are all about feelings.

Be ultra patient... there is no quick fix! It took many years to build the Pyramids and a lot of work... the result they are still standing 1000's of years later. Your marriage is the same.... put the time in getting a solid repair so that you can enjoy it the rest of your life! This is a CRITICAL time to understand that. How you handle the next few months... determines your life.

Think of it as giving 2 years for 50 good ones. Be patient and DON'T GIVE UP. Trust me it gets better eventually.. I adore my wife again and she is now re-connected and getting better everyday. Took two years of busting my butt with little in the way of positive reinforcement... it was hell but worth it for I was fighting for my wife.


Good LUck.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

So Friday late afternoon she calls to tell me that she is having problems charging her cell phone and gives me a couple of options if I want to call her. Interesting as I have not called her once since she left, unless I was returning her missed call. One of her options was to call her sisters in the evening or call her parents where she is going for dinner tonight.

She also mentioned we should go to breakfast before MC.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This is me said:


> Last night I was reading Dovorce Remedy and found it very interesting how much of the section on Mid Life Crisis for Men actually she exhibited over the past year or more. Cosmetic changes, plastic surgery interest and even recently a mention she has never been happy with our home. It was almost as if I was reading what she has been doing. The section did preface that the Walk Away Wife is very similar to the Male MLC.
> 
> Sadly, there is not much you can do. The last thing they want to hear from the one they are blaming (me) is that they are going through a MLC and the marriage has not been nearly as bad as they are saying. I thought we had a very good marriage.
> 
> ...


Get the "Love Busters" "His Needs Her Needs" Books you will be glad you did.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> So Friday late afternoon she calls to tell me that she is having problems charging her cell phone and gives me a couple of options if I want to call her. Interesting as I have not called her once since she left, unless I was returning her missed call. One of her options was to call her sisters in the evening or call her parents where she is going for dinner tonight.
> 
> She also mentioned we should go to breakfast before MC.


She is dying for you to appear needy... don't call her.
She probably shorted out her phone crying on it!

Keep up the 180


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
> No frequent phone calls.
> Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
> Don't follow her/him around the house.
> ...


Good Luck today TIM

Keep up the 180... your wife will come back.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Just got back from MC. I like the counselor and I believe she does also. We scheduled the next session for Monday night. Not alot of new ground covered, but she did say her goal was to repair the marriage. We discussed her needs and my needs as goals to attain. All in all it went well. The MC said it is clear we both care for each other, but need to work on our communication.

She came back and took more stuff with her which is always sad to see.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> Just got back from MC. I like the counselor and I believe she does also. We scheduled the next session for Monday night. Not alot of new ground covered, but she did say her goal ways to repair the marriage. We discussed her needs and my needs as goals to attain. All in all it went well. The MC said it is clear we both care for each other, but need to work on our communication.
> 
> She came back and took more stuff with her which is always sad to see.


All great journeys start with a single step....

Relax... it just will take time. Keep taking steps. Don't rush... do it right this time.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> All great journeys start with a single step....
> 
> Relax... it just will take time. Keep taking steps. Don't rush... do it right this time.


Thanks. This has been one hell of a journey and I understand it will take time and patience. It is good to know there are others like you who can walk this walk with me.

Best regards.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

TIM: Ask her about that action on your Monday session. Just inquire as to why the session went as such, but the action she took after (of getting more of her stuff) sent an opposite message. 

Frame it in terms of actions taken that send the opposite message, not as being needy. Point these things out. Unless you call her on them, she's likely to say one thing in counseling and do the opposite outside. That isn't progress - it's part of cake eating.

Maybe something along the lines of - either take all of it, or don't. Make up her mind. Does she want to improve the marriage, or leave it? Sh*t or get off the pot.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I also call bulls*it on the improve communication. A clear discussion of non-verbal communication vs. verbal needs to be discussed. Remember this rule of thumb: believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see. 

Her actions will dictate her willingness to improve the marriage. Presently, they don't show anything but pulling away.


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## LostinBrokenArrow (Nov 19, 2011)

Hi all, I'm new here and really hurting so I guess this is the right place. Two weeks ago my wife of 7 years told me that she was going to drink and I could either deal with it or not. i didn't know what to say, so she packed up her clothes and went to her mothers. I have tried everything I can to get her to talk and try to work it out. But nothing. Told me today that she wasn't mad at me, but was mad at herself for getting into such a state of self loathing... Mix the alcohol in with the fact that she has RA, is addicted to pain killers, has seasonal depression and has had gastric bypass and it feels like the perfect storm. Top that off with the fact that today I had to put our dog down due to age and being in pain and I'm suffering. I let her know that the dog was hurting and that this was coming and left her a message that it had taken place. Nothing from her, not even an R U okay. Thanks for any feedback.


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## LostinBrokenArrow (Nov 19, 2011)

Also, sorry if I'm not supposed to post in this thread, I'm trying to figure out where to go or start a new thread. I didn't mean to get in the middle of anyones conversation, so if you can point me the right direction I would appreciate it.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

LostinBrokenArrow said:


> Also, sorry if I'm not supposed to post in this thread, I'm trying to figure out where to go or start a new thread. I didn't mean to get in the middle of anyones conversation, so if you can point me the right direction I would appreciate it.


Create a new post in the General Relationship Discussion area. Repost your stuff. You should get some help in that area.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> TIM: Ask her about that action on your Monday session. Just inquire as to why the session went as such, but the action she took after (of getting more of her stuff) sent an opposite message.
> 
> Frame it in terms of actions taken that send the opposite message, not as being needy. Point these things out. Unless you call her on them, she's likely to say one thing in counseling and do the opposite outside. That isn't progress - it's part of cake eating.
> 
> Maybe something along the lines of - either take all of it, or don't. Make up her mind. Does she want to improve the marriage, or leave it? Sh*t or get off the pot.


I believe the first session was more of the MC getting an idea where we are at, but I don't disagree with what you are saying. 

I was thinking that there are three things I want to address. 

1. She is not wearing her wedding band. This gives the signal to me that she does not want to repair the marriage and to others that she is available. 

2. Her taking more and more stuff from the home is also sending the signal she is going away from the home and marriage.

3. Our marriage is failing as long as we are apart and her 10% efforts when she lived at home are now down to 1% since we only see each other once a week. 

Would it be wrong for me to demand an ETA back home?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

No - and in my book, separation would only be acceptable for 1 - Death and 2 - Divorce. 

To me, her being physically absent from the marriage is enough to file papers, especially in light of the 3 items you mentioned.


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