# Seriously .. what am I worth? Please read.



## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Okay - I hate to bring up the subject of money, but I really need someone to tell me I am wrong before I decide to walk right out on a 9 year marriage. Please tell me I'm wrong. 

He works hard and pays the mortgage and most of the bills with his paycheck and also he contributes his disability income. He does this faithfully week after week. I buy grociers and spend what I want in the store and he doesn't question it. I am a stay at home mom with two children. I also am wrapping up a degree in education and have financed that in my name. 

Here's the thing. He gets a lot of overtime and bonus money at work. Sometimes a thousand dollars a month. He thinks that because he pays all the bills he should spend that money on himself. Okay -- before you jump down my throat, there's more. 

The budgeted money is for bills and food and gas. Nothing else. Not for clothes, not for playgroups, not for lunch with a friend, not for makeup. Nothing else. Which means I have gone years with out those things. Fine. So, I do get work per diem to finance those things. But his income doesn't cover the bills we have. We are getting our elecricity shut off soon. My vehicle is unsafe to drive.

I have offered to work second shift. He said no because he doesn't want to watch the kids. I asked him to spend some of that extra money (about 200-300 a week) on getting caught up on bills. He said no. Still not a huge deal. 

Finally, here comes his sister wedding. I am expected to dress up and bring a gift. I asked for $40 out of the next batch of $1200 he is getting that is unbudgeted money. He said no. 
He said that the money he gives me for the house and utiliiteis and food is gas is enough. 

Do I have the right to be so mad? I am hurt. If it were him at home I would want him to have things. Not fancy things. Not trips to the salon and vacations. Just a $20 dress and a $20 gift when I know for a fact he has spend thousands on his model airplanes. 

Tell me I am wrong.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Ok...you are wrong. BUT, you're not. He sounds a bit selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

be mad

Be very mad! This is completely ridiculous! Tell him that WHEN you divorce (and if you keep going down this path, you probably will) that he'll be liable for 1/2 of the bills accumulated in the union and you'll be entitled to spousal support, child support etc.

See how he likes them apples!

How could a man let his wife and children drive around in an unsafe vehicle when there's money to fix it?

For the wedding, just pull some old dress out of the closet and go in that and let HIM explain to his family why you look the way you do

So, what does he spend this extra $1k a month on anyway?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> be mad
> 
> Be very mad! This is completely ridiculous! Tell him that WHEN you divorce (and if you keep going down this path, you probably will) that he'll be liable for 1/2 of the bills accumulated in the union and you'll be entitled to spousal support, child support etc.
> 
> ...


This...get angry...now is the time to stick up for yourself.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

$1000/month on model airplanes!?!?! Are you kidding?!?!?!

You've every right to be livid over this situation!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sorry, you're not wrong. He is a selfish jerk.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Still, 

First, Stop moving your threads all over the place and be patient, the answers will come. 

Second, Your absolutely right to be pissed off. You must have a lot of strength to put up with that BS for so long. I don't know how you do it. But you know it's wrong. 

You said in your other post your on your way to get a FT job. That will bring you some security. Stop feeling sorry for him. He doesn't feel bad for you. He thinks your fully dependent on him and you can't go anywhere. The truth is you are getting to the point where you see he is wrong and your getting ready to move on. 

Just read up on abusive spouses and be ready for his BS when the time comes to move you and the children out. Wait till he sees what a family court takes out of his pay for you and the kids.

Edit; Sorry, I tried but I couldn't help it. He's a selfish a$$.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Your husband seems like a selfish person by nature. I wonder how he justifies the way he spends his money in his head??? I'll spare you all the incredibly negative thoughts in my head towards him and ask you this: 

Do you have any friends or family you could borrow an outfit from?? Or do you live near any thrift shops?? As far as gifts are concerned its HIS sister if he can't cough up 20.00 for a gift I'd suggest maybe buying a nice looking picture frame or something to that effect. Remember it's the thought that counts and weddings are more about celebrating a union with family. Over time wedding gifts will be forgotten but good times with family will be warmly remembered. 

Trying to be positive here as I'm not expecting much positively towards your husband in this thread. For good reason!!!


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

He's gotten away with it for so long that I don't know what the difference is now just because there is a wedding involved. As long as you keep putting up with it, he will keep on treating you this way.


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## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

Does he buy clothes for your children? Does he give them porcket money? If the answer is also NO, then he's a jerk!


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Do you not have access to the checking account? If you do, go buy a dress and don't fix him dinner for a week. Tell him why.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

So, I talked to him a bit (he is very hard to talk to) and he offered to let me sell his paint ball gun and keep the money, but that I still can't have any out of the next batch of "extra" money. While I'm glad to finally get the $100 I'll get from the gun, it still doesn't compare to what was spent. We canceled our vacation over $400, the one and only thing I look forward to year round. We haven't been out on a date in years. My whole family needs clothes and shoes. My kids and I breathe toxic fumes when ever I drive (when I can drive because half the time there's no gas in my tank). He says he needs to spend this money on himself because of his PTSD and depression, that it keeps him happy. He says he has the burden of the whole family on him and this is like his "reward".


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

He is wrong! What will he expect when you finish your degree and go to work?


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

I do have access. I use most of the money to pay our bills and buy food. Our debt is more than our income (not counting the "extra" money that we can't depend on and that he therefore won't let me count as income). I feel so guilty when I spend money on myself instead of food or bills that I just can't do it. I just want him to give me a percentage of his "spending" money or to maintain my vehicle.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

He expects that when I finish my degree and go to work that the burden of the bills and family will be lightened off his shoulders. I assume he will keep on spending on himself as he always has. 

He is selfish about other things. He won't talk to me unless it is a subject and a time that he wants to talk about. 

But I know for a fact he does love me. He cried the last time I tried to leave (not that I had anywhere to go....). He tells me he loves me.

He is in pain a lot of the time. He does have depression, social anxiety, and anorexia. 

Via the love and the health issues, I have been justifying his selfish behavior. How wrong am I?


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

still.trying said:


> He expects that when I finish my degree and go to work that the burden of the bills and family will be lightened off his shoulders. I assume he will keep on spending on himself as he always has.
> 
> He is selfish about other things. He won't talk to me unless it is a subject and a time that he wants to talk about.
> 
> ...


You arent asking for a Louis Vitton purse..ok? A wedding gift? He should have wanted to do that. Geex..its like dealing with my husband. He never sees the importance in things like that. 

I hate the word ASK regarding finances in a marriage. However, that is your set up. Next time he says no--tell him you will sell a model plane to get it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

River1977 said:


> He's gotten away with it for so long that I don't know what the difference is now just because there is a wedding involved. *As long as you keep putting up with it, he will keep on treating you this way.*



:iagree:

To the Original Poster,
let me give you a little story.
My wife's sister is in the same boat as you, and she is a qualified professional.
Her husband owns a business,and he treats her like crap.
But the problem with her is that they belong to a church ,and he has a high office in the church......
She is now a shadow of herself , how she used dress and look before she married him an had children. She was a socialite.
Things are so bad with her ,that my wife tells me she often asks her for money to buy basic " ladies " stuff.

Its time you take some " affirmative action."


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> To the Original Poster,
> let me give you a little story.
> ...


Yes! Like open up an Ebay store that sells model airplanes. People can be so stinking selfish.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

If I were to sell his model airplane, or engage in any kind of retaliation, it would be horrible. He would empty the account before bills could be paid. He would yell a lot and I cant stand that. He would take out a credit card and buy more. He would ignore me for months and I hate that too.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

still.trying said:


> If I were to sell his model airplane, or engage in any kind of retaliation, it would be horrible. He would empty the account before bills could be paid. He would yell a lot and I cant stand that. He would take out a credit card and buy more. He would ignore me for months and I hate that too.


I really do not suggest you do that and I apologize for saying so. That would be almost as disrespectful as what he is doing. Talking to him might do good or if you have to keep yourself a rainy day fund do that. Spare change, a dollar, a ten here and there adds up.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

What I see is a man with a variety of mental illnesses which are either not being treated at all, or not being treated effectively.

After that happens - yes, maybe he's just a selfish jerk.

Clearly he has some resentment on being the sole breadwinner. Did you both agree that you would be a SAHM? 

While I agree that such a huge disparity in the way each of spends money is not fair, in one of your first posts you mentioned that you buy groceries and don't have to think about what you spend while at the store. As unfair as it is, there are things you can do on your end, like couponing, that will help you stretch your money a bit more.

Where does his bonus go each month, does he keep a wad of cash on him or have a separate account you don't have access to? If you've got bills going unpaid the deal needs to be, those bills get paid immediately and spending money is whatever is leftover. 

He needs to get the eating disorder and mental health under control. Compulsive spending can be a band aid for these issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

you aren't much more than an underpaid housekeeper, it seems. Love is not about what he says; it is about what he does. He does not love you, because his behavior says he does not care about you or the kids. He wants the trappings of a family life without any of the connection and responsibility beyond what he has "decided" is sufficient financial responsibility. 

I can only imagine what it must be like. Your kids must still be pretty young, but the atmosphere in the house will be having a negative impact on their impression of what THEY are worth (ie, not much). 

Tell him you are leaving unless this changes tomorrow and be making arrangements to talk to a lawyer on the first business day.

His mental health problems are his, not yours. You can help if and when he asks, but you cannot lead a life burdened by his insecurities, etc. Esp. when he does so little to contribute to a feeling of being partners and a team. 

Let him know you WILL leave this time, and that there will be no 3rd chance-if he messes up again, it is over. He's had 9 years of utter selfishness. He does not deserve even a 2nd chance--you stayed and nothing changed, right? So don't feel you have to give him a 3rd chance. But be clear in your mind that IF you give him one last chance, you WILL leave at the first sign he is sliding into old ways. 

I'd have walked out a long time ago. You are not wrong. Do what you need to do to be happy.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I have PTSD also, but no way in hell would I buy a TOY before I took care of my family. Tell him that after the DIVORCE he will not have money to buy Tuna Fish on sale at Walmart. Tell him to pull his head out of his ass or you will file.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

still.trying said:


> So, I talked to him a bit (he is very hard to talk to) and he offered to let me sell his paint ball gun and keep the money, but that I still can't have any out of the next batch of "extra" money. While I'm glad to finally get the $100 I'll get from the gun, it still doesn't compare to what was spent. We canceled our vacation over $400, the one and only thing I look forward to year round. We haven't been out on a date in years. My whole family needs clothes and shoes. My kids and I breathe toxic fumes when ever I drive (when I can drive because half the time there's no gas in my tank). He says he needs to spend this money on himself because of his PTSD and depression, that it keeps him happy. He says he has the burden of the whole family on him and this is like his "reward".


What he is doing to you is called economic abuse. It's wrong. 

It sounds like the only way you will change this situation is for you to file for divorce. There are many attornies who will give .5 to 1 hour free consultations. So make appointments with a few of them and ask them about our rights, etc. And ask if they will represent you and go to court to ask that your legal fees be paid out of community income/assets. You will find an attorney who will do this.

Before you have your husband served get a copy of every piece of financial paperwork in your house. Store it some place away from your home.

Remove anything valuable you can from the house to a safe place.

Then have him served. Either he will come to realize that you have legal rights as his wife or you will end up divorced and he will be paying child and rehabilatative spousal support.

If your husband has PTSD, I assume it's from the military. He needs to go to the VA and get help for it. Spending $$ is not the solution.


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## EddieJ333 (Mar 10, 2012)

I'd like to know what vehicle he owns. Almost for sure he owns a pretty better car than you, and his car doesn't have any trouble. If the answer is "yes" then there is one point more in favor that he is a selfish stupid jerk who doesn't care about you and your children. You'd better get a divorce and ask from him the money you need to live and support your children. If it is the only way you would get that money from him, then do it. WHAT A JERK HE IS!!!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He is wrong. That money should be shared. You may need to get that job so you have your own money to save for the things you want and need. He can do some of the work around your home and care for the kids as well. That will cut back on his time to work over, so less money for him. Or, he could share a little so you have what you deserve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

still.trying said:


> I do have access. I use most of the money to pay our bills and buy food. Our debt is more than our income (not counting the "extra" money that we can't depend on and that he therefore won't let me count as income). I feel so guilty when I spend money on myself instead of food or bills that I just can't do it. I just want him to give me a percentage of his "spending" money or to maintain my vehicle.


Could you please share with us how much of our budget a month is spend on food? This knowledge would help quite a bit.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Sorry, but - I'm a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills, but when he gets a bonus from work or when we get our tax return we discuss what to do with it (which is usually to pay off my unfortunately high medical bills). If he month after month just spent the whole thing on himself, I'd be beyond livid. 

How long has that gone on? The entire nine years? Really sit and think about how much money that is. Calculate 1,000 by the number of months this has happened and pondered about what that money could have been used on. 

Yet, you are living hand to mouth, with mounting debt and you can't even pay the electric bill. Which means in August, during the heat, you'll have no electricity and no way to use your fridge and keep your food safe. That's not even getting into having no air conditioning with young children. 

I 100% agree about couponing to save money. It's amazing how much it can help (I'm a big coupon nut.) But, I get the idea that's going to be a band-aid on a gaping wound, I doubt if you save money at the store you'll be allowed to keep it. Do you get cash to spend on the groceries or do you charge it, does he demand to see receipts? 

Saving money is only going to help the dynamics of the situation if -you- get to keep some of it. Otherwise, it's just going to be spent on more model airplanes. 

Frankly, as callous as it sounds, I wouldn't be scraping nickles together to buy his sister a present when my children had no clothes to wear and were in danger whenever we left the house because of driving a beater with no brakes (or whatever it is that's wrong with your car.) 

Crying does -not- prove that he loves you, it proves that he loves the status quo. If he loved you, truly, as he promised to no doubt during your wedding vows, your husband would be able to put the needs of his family before his own selfish hobbies. Which - either that's a mental health problems that needs to be professionally addressed, or that's just the way he is. 

And that needs to be addressed -pronto-. Whether that's going to the VA, or getting counseling, or even meds, something needs to address this problem. If you were to sell one his planes, he'd empty out the accounts and leave you and the children to starve? That's a serious problem. That is -not- loving you or loving the children. 

Will your children forever be forced to do without because of your husband's addictive spending? 

I'd be seriously concerned with this, because it's obvious your husband has little actual concern about the safety or well-being of you or the children, or he'd have made sure their basic needs (like electricity) were being met. What happens if something tragic happens (medical bills, the car does finally up and die) and he -has- to spend the money on something else? 

I'd almost be concerned, if this was addressed, it leading to violence if he felt what he -needed- was being infringed on.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

still.trying said:


> Okay - I hate to bring up the subject of money, but I really need someone to tell me I am wrong before I decide to walk right out on a 9 year marriage. Please tell me I'm wrong.


Wondering what happened to that?

You are basing love on him saying he loves you and him crying when you were going to leave. But, you don't base love on things like that. People say "I love you" all the time. People cry when they can't get their way, such as your husband losing the power and control over you he is accustomed to exerting. His world the way HE loves it was ending. It doesn't mean he loves you, and it doesn't matter if that were what it means.

Love is projective - how he projects his feelings of love onto you. What matters is how he makes you feel. So, the questions are: Do you feel loved? Do you feel respected? Or, does he love himself more? It seems to me you are his convenience and little more than that.

What you don't seem to understand is you have to demand love and respect. No, that doesn't mean yelling in his face thinking you're going to MAKE him love and respect you. You cannot scream someone into compliance. To demand love and respect also doesn't mean telling him he better love and respect you. 

Be loved on your own terms. Be loved the way you need to be loved.......not whatever little he thinks it should mean. You are not supposed to sit there living your life by his approval and permission. 

To demand love and respect means you do not tolerate his disrespect and do not tolerate him claiming he loves you without SHOWING you that he loves you. It means you do not keep allowing him to treat you just any kind of way. 

You came here feeling so fed up and so incensed by this situation that you wanted to leave. What happened? You felt so certain you were right that you practically begged us to show you how wrong you surely must be because it was just too obvious that you were right. What happened to that?

What happened is you decided there is nothing you can do. You began to feel powerless and helpless to change the dynamics in your marital relationship so that now, your purpose for coming here was for no other reason than confirming that you are right. Okay, now that we all confirmed you are right, what are you going to do about it? Or, do you feel so powerless to do anything that you've calmed down and resigned yourself to putting up with his disrespect, manipulation, and control perpetually? You have resigned yourself to having to ask for money like his child?

Truly now, if he is so clever that he can manipulate you with his so-called illnesses, then there is no real concern for the illnesses at all. If he can use his illnesses against you like that, then he can control the illnesses just as easily as he controls you with them. Stop allowing him to dump his pity party on your shoulders. It is not your problem. Loving him and trying to be sympathetic/empathetic does not mean his illnesses become all-consuming. You do not place yourself on his back burner like a non-entity.

You need to wake your husband up. The way to do that is to stop living your life by his permission. TELL HIM how things are going to be from now on, and tell him that they are going to be on your own terms. Begin the conversation by first letting him know you don't like him treating you like his child and things will no longer be the way HE says. If he doesn't like it, then live up to what you yourself stated and walk right out on a 9 year marriage. The fact is, you don't have to walk out the door and you shouldn't. Don't leave your home and don't uproot the kids. Go see an attorney and file for divorce. In the meantime, turn the tables on him and YOU be the one to ignore him for a change. Let him know you mean you will not tolerate being controlled by him any longer. When he gets the divorce papers in the mail, he will know you mean business when he learns he has to continue paying all the bills for the house and his family. He will be shocked when he learns how much he has to pay in child support and spousal support. I bet he'll be more than willing to talk then.......and to talk on your terms.

Be determined not to live powerless and unable to make your own decisions. Marriage is a partnership. It's about both people making the decisions in all things, and of course that means the financial decisions. Stop being his little scared mouse and take back all this power you handed over to him on a silver platter.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Money is to be shared in marriage.
He is totally in the wrong.
Get a man who will provide for his family. That is the life purpose of a man.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You are off the leash but won't leave the yard.
This really isn't a money issue.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Wow. That's a lot of information to absorb. I can't fully respond right now. But I have come to the conclusion that he loves me but doesn't like me. Is that possible? He doesn't want to talk to me or hang out with me or give me the time of day. But if I were dying he would be sad. He thinks I'm a great mother. He likes to be taken care of. He loves me. He doesn't like me very much. I know I need to talk to him. It is so hard. I practice and practice what I will say (even for little talks) and I always end up sounding like a needy little girl. It just never comes out right. I get knots in my stomache and practically beg him to at least look at me and he just looks the other way and refuses to respond. So I provoke until he get mad and yells because I would rather he yell than ignore me. So, I'll gear up for the next conversation in which this will all be addressed and get back to you. Or maybe I should just write a letter. He always responds to that. Then I can't screw up the words.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

For $40, I got a divorce!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> For $40, I got a divorce!


Mine cost me $134.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

I have always felt like I had no options. I have nobody to stay with, no other place to go. I have no way to support myself given the cost of childcare. I have a degree, but can't get certification until I complete an internship, which I am working on. So I feel stuck for now. Also, he senses this and has always thrown in my face, "you are just using me so you can stay home while you get your education". My pride makes me want to prove him wrong. Then there is the fact that I really do love him and I know he loves me the best he can. I just don't think he can really love all the way. He has issues. And it doesn't look like they'll be getting better any time soon.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I've found from my personal experience that I'm fully capable of digging my own grave with words.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Could you please share with us how much of our budget a month is spend on food? This knowledge would help quite a bit.


About 1/4 of the budget I call the grociery budet. About $600 a month. It is for food, anything that comes from walmart (filter salt, birthday party gifts, pet food and supplies, socks, medications, etc... ) and pretty much anything that is not a bill that comes in the mail or gas.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Sorry, but - I'm a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills, but when he gets a bonus from work or when we get our tax return we discuss what to do with it (which is usually to pay off my unfortunately high medical bills). If he month after month just spent the whole thing on himself, I'd be beyond livid.
> 
> 
> 
> I'd almost be concerned, if this was addressed, it leading to violence if he felt what he -needed- was being infringed on.



I'm not. First of all, he weight 125 pounds, I can take him! Just kidding. He yells and might throw something, but he's really not like that. Second of all, yes he has guns, but he's not that crazy. I have considered how he would react if I left. He does have depression. I would be more worried about him harming himself.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just talk to attorneys, figure out what the settlement would likely be (child care and spousal support for 2-3 years b/c it sounds like you are close to full-time employment).

You need some serious data to present to him so he knows you are NOT kidding. 

BTW, why do you think he loves you at all? He shows little to no affection in any form, it appears. 

More importantly, why do you think you "love" someone who treats you so badly? Get to work on your self-esteem, girl, with or without counseling.

I think there is hope if you take all the actions recommended--he'd be a fool to let you walk away. But UNLESS you take serious action, he is *never* going to change and never going to take you seriously. Why should he? You've put up with this crap for years, right?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

if you are a liberal. i would tell you to suck it up. Go get a job. split everything fifty fifty. You have total right to GO GET YOUR OWN JOB. splitting the rest, and child care, is half his problem.


iF you are traditional, you are submissive, you believe in headship. then this man is failing with flying colors. Because the pecking order going down in who is in charge, reverses for needs and goes UP.

so need wise, who gets what they need first.
he comes last. kids first, you second, him LAST.

emotional needs, you first kids second , him LAST.


BASICALLY , he always comes LAST.

this is how i live, i know it too well. i have ZERO problem putting everyone in the family before myself. Family first, me last. That is what headship is. Looking out for everyone else and family.
It is how it is suppose to be.


but yeah, if you are a liberal, you really need to go get a job. supporting you isnt his problem, and half the support for the kids and everything else is your responsibility as well. 
you should be paying half of kids, house, everything.


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