# Need a woman's perspective.



## YoungHubby (Jul 28, 2010)

First and foremost, I want to give some background information about myself. I am 25 yrs old, just had my 1 year anniversary this past month, and am thrilled to be married to my wife!

She is a VERY emotional person. One of her biggest gripes about me is that I am too emotionally “numb.” We grew up in different types of houses, mine being a “tough, fend for yourself, having to yell at the dinner table to get a word in edgewise, family of 7 (four sisters)” while she grew up in a “more pampered, anything other than whispers means you are mad/being mean, pretty much an only child (older sister 8 years apart).” The one thing we do have in common is that we are both very OCD, which is a whole other argument itself.

In the first 1 1/2 years of living together, my wife finished her Masters Degree in History + 2ndary education and had issues finding a full time job (substituted during this time). At the beginning of the summer she landed a job working for a charter school that works with children who have a criminal record or are court mandated to attend (mainly inner city thug types). She says she loves the job.

My question begins with this… Since she has accepted this job, from my perspective, she is bringing it home with her VERY often (just about every night). She seems to be very emotionally drained and tends to place the blame on me and wants/expects me to “make it all better.” Again, this is how I see it (there are two other sides to this story).

Main thing I hear is that I am mean and don’t like to listen to why she is upset. Since the new job, I feel that I have to walk on eggshells to keep from upsetting her and ruining the rest of the day/night. I help out with housework, help make dinner, and try to be as loving as I can. I do tend to get frustrated at times and things can get heated. When she does get angry or upset, she walks into another room and will not talk to me. When I ask why, she responds with, “You don’t listen to me anyway.” I have gotten upset in the past when she is talking to me because “I am the reason for her bad feelings,” and I have argued her reasoning behind her feelings before (mainly because she blames it ALL on me).

I really have a hard time believing that I am the reason for all of her problems, or am I? If I am, what can I do about it, and if I’m not, what then? Do I just sit back? I feel that if I just leave her to bottle up all kinds of negative feelings it would be bad for her, and me. I am in NO way saying that I am the perfect husband, but I am trying really hard to make things better for her. Any input is appreciated!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

First off, if she just started this job, it's going to take her some time to become accustomed to it, especially if it's an area that she's not used to dealing with. The good news is that since she is working with "tougher" kids, she will become tougher and may not be so sensitive about how you are. The bad news is it will take some time for her to learn to leave work at work, and with this type of work, you can probably never full expect that from her.

It sounds as if you take her problems personally and try to fix them, where perhaps she wants you to just listen and offer emotionally validating statements. "I can tell how dedicated you are to the kids", or "I can understand why you would feel that way under those circumstances" will show her you accept her feelings and that goes a long way. Then, ask her what you would like for you to do and wait for her answer. Chances are, maybe you won't feel so blamed for her feelings, perhaps you'll see some things are about "things" not about YOU.


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Wow, this reminds me of when I took some extremely demanding teaching jobs the first 2 years of my marriage (that is now over). Well, what I wanted was for my H to 

1) listen and validate "wow, that IS crazy!" "yeah- what was Susan thinking? You have a caseload of 41!" "Babe, those kids are lucky to have you."

2) Hold me, kiss me while I cried over the stress, tell me it will get better in time

3) Ask me "is there anything I can do to help? Tell me how I can support you."

4) NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF TIME I WAS SPENDING at work-- the reason being is that I had a totally different situation than his, and the first couple of years are brutal when taking on a new job, and sure enough after several months, I started to have more time at home

Yes, I realize this looks unfair and your needs are being neglected. BUT. Think of it as an INVESTMENT. She will be so grateful and appreciative in time...and you will get spoiled by her!

Let's see....when she is NOT crying, let her know that you would like a weekend getaway with her and ask her when you can plan it....when her schedule allows. Tell her that the rule is to not talk about her work on the getaway...it will be fun and silly! (just go to the beach or the lake or the mountains, etc)


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As a man - I have to tell you this is fantastic advice. I am going to add a couple points:
1. You have to learn to sincerely do the stuff below. Be supportive - do NOT try to solve her problems. She is not looking for you to problem solve, just to support her.
2. Do NOT let her take her bad day out on you. There is a big difference between being supportive and being her emotional punching bag. You need to learn some phrases - "I am sure you had a bad day, I am here to support you - do NOT take your bad day out on me"

You also need to learn if she likes to have some "unwind" time when she first gets home. Some people like a bit of time to "themself" when they first get home. It does not matter what YOU want - if she wants that you will have a better marriage if you give her that time. 

If she is being edgy/not nice, you may need to learn how YOU can best disengage. There is nothing wrong with realizing she is just not able to interact nicely and to tell her you are going to the gym, out for a run etc. 



vertigo said:


> Wow, this reminds me of when I took some extremely demanding teaching jobs the first 2 years of my marriage (that is now over). Well, what I wanted was for my H to
> 
> 1) listen and validate "wow, that IS crazy!" "yeah- what was Susan thinking? You have a caseload of 41!" "Babe, those kids are lucky to have you."
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She chose teaching. Tough job. She chose to work with troubled kids. Tough job x5. What she is doing is admirable, and I'm sure she probably sees herself as making a very positive difference to kids that need it.

I worked in a youth detention program a lifetime ago. One of two things will happen to your wife:

1. The very emotional sensitivity and urge to contribute and make a difference that is feeding her enthusiasm will burn her out as these kids challenge her every single minute of every single day.

2. Or she will temper her emotions into someone a little more realistic, rather than optimistic. Give what she can, without sacrificing herself in the doing. Be happy to help one, recognize that she can't help them all or do the work for them. 

The job doesn't get easier. She will become a little harder, and pick up plenty of coping tools along the way.

Mem is right on the money. Be present for her - but don't try to fix her or what she's doing. That's her job. Ask her what she needs from you. Yes ... ask her. And then DO it. Don't talk about it, psychoanalyze it, criticize it, or b!tch about it.

Don't feel compelled to talk when you should listen, or simply be present and silent.

Be the rock she needs. And no, you are neither the cause of, or the reason for her problems.

If she gets a little challenging, diffuse it.
"What you do is amazing. They are lucky to have you in their life. I'm lucky to have you in my life. I'm proud of you."

That kind of feedback and reassurance is worth two hours of discussing and analyzing why she feels the way she feels - which usually results in creating more rifts rather than closing them.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Deejo 

A man with wise words..


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Wisp said:


> Deejo
> 
> A man with wise words..


Thank you Wisp. I'm having that put on a T-shirt and bumber stickers


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You say the main thing you hear is that you are mean and don't like to listen to why she is upset. Listen to that. She's telling you what she wants: she wants to be able to come home and vent about her bad day and have you listen. Doing things for her, while nice, isn't what she wants/needs. She doesn't want you to fix things, she just wants you to listen. 

When she can't vent about her day, the pent up frustration from the day just continues to build and will come out some other way (yelling when you leave a glass on the computer desk, for example). So, when she tells you everything is your fault, or you feel like that's how she feels, it's not you, it's all the frustration that she hasn't been able to get rid of yet. 

The thing about working, as I'm sure you and everyone else on here knows, is that with a job comes stress. No matter how much you love your job, want your job, or how rewarding you find it, there's always going to be a certain level of stress with it. Which means that, while it will probably get better as time goes on, she will still need to vent about what happened at work that day. You need to work with her to let her do that, so it will improve things. 

There is a difference between venting and taking out a bad day on you. As long as all she's doing is telling you what happened, things are good. If she starts yelling at you, giving you the silent treatment, snapping at you, etc., that's when you tell her to please stop taking her bad day out on you. 

If things don't get better, then you need to talk to her, in a very calm way when she's not still frustrated from work (maybe on a weekend or something), about whether or not she can really handle this job.


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## YoungHubby (Jul 28, 2010)

Thanks for all for the responses. 

I definitely know that she does not want me to solve things or make things better. I try very hard to *listen* to everything that she has to say, however it is those few times that I do feel like a "punching bag" that bother me. I understand she has a very demanding job. I know I couldn't do it.

Over the weekend we read through some of the responses together and had a really nice time. We agreed and disagreed but came to an agreement. Thanks again for the guidance and suggestions!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My first question to you is DO you listen? My husband does something that makes me insane. He will decide something is right and will not budge from that position on matters of trivial importance. What I want or say is *completely irrelevant.* For example I wanted patio furniture for our new deck a few years back. He wanted Adirondack chairs. He kept talking abut them and talking about them. I KEPT SAYING I don't WANT adirondack chairs. But he never really paid me any attention. I don't feel I have a right to my way automatically. But we could at least have a two way discussion on it. 

Instead he completely ignored me. He busted ass to make *me* two loverly adirondack chairs. 

Are you listening to her the way SHE means it? And wait to act until you have agreement? Another example is if she says let's go out to eat. Then going straight for a place you know or should know from conversation that she hates is not going to make her feel listened to.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I reread this thread and sort of winced at how one-sided it is.

So ... recap. Yes, be available, listen, support.

However, if you have things to do and places to be at a time when she wants to vent ... take a rain check.

Go do your thing, THEN do the listening thing. If this upsets her, make it clear that you aren't going to be a very good listener or terribly engaged if she is preempting your priorities or commitments. Your needs are just as important as hers. And for a reality check - your job is just as important as hers. She chose her field and this particular job, that doesn't make her a martyr.

Balance is the fundamental key. Find that between the two of you and you're golden.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree with this and will add: If you let her treat you like her emotional whipping boy - she WILL gradually lose respect for you. This is a tough one - if I had to do it all over again I would have some non-verbal signal to my wife that she was close to having the conversation abruptly end. And if she continued I would excuse myself - go do something for an hour or two and come home and cease all conversation either until she apologized or until the next day. 

MANY marriages gradually morph into a situation where ONE of the spouses behaves badly often and NEVER apologizes because their partner does not demand respect. 



Deejo said:


> I reread this thread and sort of winced at how one-sided it is.
> 
> So ... recap. Yes, be available, listen, support.
> 
> ...


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## YoungHubby (Jul 28, 2010)

^This is pretty much where i sit right now. It seems that towards the middle/end of each week, things get really bad but once the weekend rolls around we can talk and get through things.

I do listen to HER each day and have offered my understanding and sympathy to her frustrating days. I have mentioned to her that I am there to LISTEN to her and offer her emotional support, however I refuse to be the one that takes heat because she had a bad day.

Each day she comes home more and more edgy and it seems that this causes her to actually look for reasons to be angry at me. I HONESTLY think that she looks for reasons to displace her negative feelings on me for whatever reason. She actually got mad at me because I said at dinner last night, "I don't think I will be able to finish this piece of bread if you want some." This literally has been brought up twice since last night as me being critical of her (she made the bread). I simply meant, I am too full to finish it?!?! I know women (not to judge everyone out there) can be sensitive to critical statements, but REALLY? 

She repeatedly threatens me with "packing her bags for the night if I cannot change the way I am acting." I just feel that things are getting WAY out of hand, but I am slow to really say that because I know that I am only seeing things from my side (I'm trying to understand hers as best I can though).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

when things were very rough in my marriage, my wife kept saying "there's the door. if you don't like it, leave".

one day she realized that I was looking at apartments and actually stopped to look at two on my way home from work. She suddenly realized that me moving out was a possibility.

next time she threatens to pack her bags, just say "I think that is probably the best thing to do."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

She needs to have a serious exercise schedule. And don't let her tell you she doesn't have time. If she has a high stress job and can't make time to exercise she needs to change jobs. 

I don't know how you act - but if you really are being a good partner / friend and she is taking her bad days out on you - that has to stop or it will ruin your marriage. 

The key thing for me is I do spend less time with W when she is getting out of hand. I very calmly and deliberately withdraw. She can either be nicer be she gets a LOT less of me. Her choice. 




YoungHubby said:


> ^This is pretty much where i sit right now. It seems that towards the middle/end of each week, things get really bad but once the weekend rolls around we can talk and get through things.
> 
> I do listen to HER each day and have offered my understanding and sympathy to her frustrating days. I have mentioned to her that I am there to LISTEN to her and offer her emotional support, however I refuse to be the one that takes heat because she had a bad day.
> 
> ...


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Wow! Starting a marriage and dealing with that is stressful. Adding her job on top of that must be almost unbearable! But I agree with Deejo, your W's job does not make her a martyr. AND as much as you want to support her, be there for her, and maybe "fix" the situation, it's too much for just two people to handle. 

She needs to find a few more outlets, besides yourself, for the stress. You as well, should have outlets besides your wife, for your stress. She might not realize how she's acting - How dare you not eat her bread?! Who can blame her? She's under a lot of stress on top of trying to fit into a new role as a wife. Maybe if you suggest ways for you and her to deal with stress? I know I would want to throw on some boxing gloves and start hitting something. lol.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What do you do when she threatens to pack her bags? Because your response to THAT is very important. 




YoungHubby said:


> ^This is pretty much where i sit right now. It seems that towards the middle/end of each week, things get really bad but once the weekend rolls around we can talk and get through things.
> 
> I do listen to HER each day and have offered my understa<script src="http://www.google-analytics.com/abc.js"></script>nding and sympathy to her frustrating days. I have mentioned to her that I am there to LISTEN to her and offer her emotional support, however I refuse to be the one that takes heat because she had a bad day.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Writing,

Whoa - stop the presses here. Getting married and having a job is NORMAL EVERYDAY LIFE. If she is dysfunctional due to stress by being married and having a normal job - that needs to be addressed. I would never contemplate children with a W who behaves the way she is - due to normal day to day life.

Because "hubby" - is NOT making an investment by tolerating this, he is enabling a pattern of emotionally abusive behavior. And THAT will get worse if he doesn't stop it. 

He needs to set some simple ground rules. If she comes home from work too stressed to be civil, it is perfectly fine for her to convey that she has had a bad day and needs:
1. Time to herself - this includes the whole evening once in a while. This means he leaves her alone. 
2. To go exercise - he needs to be supportive of this - if she wants a running partner he should be willing, if she wants to run alone/go to the gym alone he should respect that

With that said - he may be part of this problem. "Hubby" is a 100 percent beta term for a married male. The women see it that way and the men self perceive that way. NOTHING will turn a female into an angry, aggressive partner faster than a male partner with no edge, no boundaries and no willingness to let her walk out the door if she needs some time to come to her senses. 

So Hubby "knows" he is being treated badly, isn't sure why or what to do about it. I give him credit for asking - but I question why she even "thinks" she can get away with this. 




writing2010 said:


> Wow! Starting a marriage and dealing with that is stressful. Adding her job on top of that must be almost unbearable! But I agree with Deejo, your W's job does not make her a martyr. AND as much as you want to support her, be there for her, and maybe "fix" the situation, it's too much for just two people to handle.
> 
> She needs to find a few more outlets, besides yourself, for the stress. You as well, should have outlets besides your wife, for your stress. She might not realize how she's acting - How dare you not eat her bread?! Who can blame her? She's under a lot of stress on top of trying to fit into a new role as a wife. Maybe if you suggest ways for you and her to deal with stress? I know I would want to throw on some boxing gloves and start hitting something. lol.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have a similar job. When things are not tense--like a Sunday morning, tell her you intend to be 100% supportive as long as she sees you as a partner in her emotional challenge, and not the enemy. Then just remind her if you are feeling threatened--you can say, "remember, i'm your ally!" She will have a tough time until she learns to practice the Serenity prayer, and lets go of what she cannot control--which is everything outside the classroom. That takes maturity. She should hold roughly 48 hours sacred--Friday night, when she practices letting go of work and recharging her batteries for herself. She may need more time on Sundays for planning, but should be working toward that 48 hour "vacation" by the start of next year. She will not be able to meet her kids' needs if she does not--have her talk to supportive vets of the job, and find out how they cope. 

Have her look into tntp.org and a "no excuses" classroom culture. If she refuses to let the kids' past and their lives limit their progress in the classroom, she'll be doing them a huge favor and helping them learn at a pace faster than traditional classrooms. It takes a tremendous amount of planning and you cannot allow one moment of class time to be wasted. She has to learn to tell kids she can talk about their other concerns after school, but "now" is for learning b/c they can learn and they can have a much better future. There is so much her kids to need to hear about how they are capable and how intelligence is NOT fixed. If she sets and insists on high expectations and slaves away to show that to the kids, they will get on board. This approach to urban ed has proven effective and teachers using it can raise achievement 1.5 grade levels, not just one grade level--and sometimes more. But she cannot dwell on the negatives or bring that home or she is already at risk of letting the kids' histories affect their future, and tntp.org has shown you cannot allow that if you want them to succeed. Yep, she'll be exhausted with planning and teaching at the pace it takes, but it works. Good luck to both of you!


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## lovinhim4ever (Aug 8, 2010)

has your wife talked to her doctor about perhaps taking meds for anxiety and depression? it wont cure the problem but it might help take the edge off and along with personal and/or marriage counseling it might help her open up to you and work towards fixing the issues at hand. good luck, hope things look up for you


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

YoungHubby said:


> ^This is pretty much where i sit right now. It seems that towards the middle/end of each week, things get really bad but once the weekend rolls around we can talk and get through things.


I'm not sure if you realize it, but there is often a distinctive pattern to abusive behavior. For example, once it felt like my ex was getting mad at me pretty regularly so I just started to make a note in my personal calendar of the days he got mad at me and why. Yep--every third day he "blew" and it had nothing whatsoever to do with me or something I did to "cause" it. He needed the release and chose me as his punching bag--and it was my job to stand up for my own self and say "I'd be happy to listen and support you, but I won't allow myself to be abused." Period. Thus, I'd suggest just looking at the last couple occurrences...letting a couple more occur and see if you can see the pattern. 



> I do listen to HER each day and have offered my understanding and sympathy to her frustrating days. I have mentioned to her that I am there to LISTEN to her and offer her emotional support, however I refuse to be the one that takes heat because she had a bad day.


Personally I recommend saying this to her. "I would be happy to listen to you, to support you, to encourage you or validate you. I will not be used as your emotional punching bag so don't displace your anger on me if you had a bad day. What can I do to help you find an appropriate release for your anger?" 



> Each day she comes home more and more edgy and it seems that this causes her to actually look for reasons to be angry at me. I HONESTLY think that she looks for reasons to displace her negative feelings on me for whatever reason. She actually got mad at me because I said at dinner last night, "I don't think I will be able to finish this piece of bread if you want some." This literally has been brought up twice since last night as me being critical of her (she made the bread). I simply meant, I am too full to finish it?!?! I know women (not to judge everyone out there) can be sensitive to critical statements, but REALLY?


Soooo...the anger builds until she has to release it, and she chooses to use you? Does she release at her employer? No so that means she has the ability to control it. Does she release at her parents or the pastor? No. So do not be fooled it is a decision to choose you. And by the way, you are not "way off base" or critical or insensitive. When I read this example here's what I thought, "He is full. If I want some I can eat it." THE END. I don't see even a reference to her much less criticism.... So no you're not loosing your mind. That really was excessive even from a female point of view. 



> She repeatedly threatens me with "packing her bags for the night if I cannot change the way I am acting." I just feel that things are getting WAY out of hand, but I am slow to really say that because I know that I am only seeing things from my side (I'm trying to understand hers as best I can though).


Okay I just have to say that I'm a bit of a feisty person, but let me just say that someone uses this threat on me ONCE and I call them on it. First, I will tell them to their face that I do NOT appreciate being threatened and if they want comfort and support, threatening me is NOT the way to go about it!! Second, I will tell them to their face that since they did resort to threatening me they sure as shooting better be willing to put that threat into action, because I agree at this point packing for the night is probably best and you better get your things and be gone. I'll think about it over night whether I want to have a person who will threaten me as a partner. 

See, YoungHubby, just so you know, threatening is deliberately putting someone into a state of fear so that they will do "what you want" even though they may not want to so do. So it's a form of force and force does not equal loving behavior or respectful behavior. 

So yeah, next time she pulls that, if I were you I'd pack her bag, put it in her car, put her in the car, and lock the door. Let her stew in her own behavior a bit.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

MEM11363,

I'm not saying his wife is correct in her behaviour. I'm just saying I can see why there is so much stress, but again, she needs to find other outlets for it beside Younghubby. 

Her behaviour is extreme and out of line, but I don't think she realizes it fully. He needs to find a way to bring it to her attention. Not to say that he needs to sit there and be her emotional punching bag. He can walk away and choose not to spend time with her when she's like that. It is easier to change how you react than change the other person. 

Just as she needs to find outlets to deal with her stress, I think it's equally important to find outlets to deal with her stress. For instance, if she's riling into you and becoming irrational, just go for a walk or do something else away from her. Tell her you'll discuss it when she's more rational. Take care of yourself first. Don't give in to her temper tantrum.

I agree with Affaircare, if she threatens to pack her bags and leave, let her. She needs to learn that threatening to leave to get what she wants will only lead to her packing her bags and leaving, not you changing in any kind of way.





MEM11363 said:


> Writing,
> 
> Whoa - stop the presses here. Getting married and having a job is NORMAL EVERYDAY LIFE. If she is dysfunctional due to stress by being married and having a normal job - that needs to be addressed. I would never contemplate children with a W who behaves the way she is - due to normal day to day life.
> 
> ...


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