# Dating - or should I saying TRYING to date is horrible!



## Clawed

Okay, so I am official - single for the first time after a 15 and a half year relationship. I'm now 33 and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit I have never dated anyone but my ex. But then, I was 17 and I just kind of stumbled upon her online (who remembers AOL chatrooms?).

Honestly, I was doing pretty good on my own, you know - simply coping with the collapse of my marriage. I have been really happy, all things considered. It's been nice developing some new interests and connecting with my 7-year old son in a much more meaningful way.

However, I want to start trying again - although it feels like the first time. I have to say, I'm terrified. I'm coming out of a marriage in which my ex made me feel like crap about myself. To maintain a decent level of confidence I've been hitting the gym ever since my split, maybe 5 months now. I'm still pretty slender though and I know there are better looking guys out there so I don't even know where to start. I have trouble meeting people at 'normal' places, and even a couple of Meetup Groups I'm part of. I have a couple of dating apps which are terrible, btw. Not only does no one want to chat in any meaningful way, but the types of people you meet there, not the kind I want to be seeing. I even stooped so far as to post on Craigslist (for platonic friends though), I actually had a couple of responses there and I met a couple of women, one of which I kind of started dating. She is horrible for me, in every way imaginable, and I know that, but because she is paying me at least a little bit of attention, I am still around. She is the exact opposite of my ex, maybe that's why there is some attraction? Either way, she describes us as being 'in limbo' and she talks frequently about her ex and a couple of other guys that are pursuing her... I loathe myslf for not running from this woman.

Ugh, I actually was much better off without anyone and not having to worry about this crap. Maybe I was MEANT to be alone? Any suggestions for a clueless guy like myself if I want to find a decent woman (outside of stop posting on CL and using apps)? I feel like I have to settle... even though I am a really good guy - loyal, trustworthy, compassionate and treats women extremely well. I just feel like I can't get past the physical attraction stage (meaning, I'm just worried there is no one attracted enough to me to want to give me a shot - I'm scared of rejection, like anyone else).


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## Jellybeans

Clawed said:


> I'm now 33 and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit I have never dated anyone but my ex. But then, I was 17 and I just kind of stumbled upon her online (_who remembers AOL chatrooms_?).


I do!

Don't be embarrassed that you haven't really dated before. You were in a long relationship--some people never have a long relationship like that. Count your blessings.



Clawed said:


> However, I want to start trying again - although it feels like the first time. I have to say, I'm terrified. .


Normal to feel this way.

MY advice is that until you are over your marriage and deal with the problems, low self-esteem you had, bad feelings your ex made you feel like you had, it's better to stay single.



Clawed said:


> I met a couple of women, one of which I kind of started dating.* She is horrible for me, in every way imaginable, and I know that*, but because she is paying me at least a little bit of attention, I am still around. .


Dude Bro. DROP HER like a bad habit. You already know.

It takes time to heal. You will get there. Promise.


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## Clawed

Haha, thanks. Yeah, I actually have fun spending time with her - and then I realize that I could have that much fun with ANYONE, I just like meeting and getting to know new people (even though I'm shy). This woman is really bad for me... she is actually very bad for ANYONE!


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## badcompany

You aren't ready to date yet Clawed.
I've started giving it a try recently and I've got no problem telling the most attractive women we're not a good match sorry. 
I enjoy someone's company and want to have someone, but I don't need to.....especially someone that isn't a match just to validate myself. You aren't going to get over a 15yr marriage in 5 months.


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## Clawed

badcompany said:


> You aren't ready to date yet Clawed.
> I've started giving it a try recently and I've got no problem telling the most attractive women we're not a good match sorry.
> I enjoy someone's company and want to have someone, but I don't need to.....especially someone that isn't a match just to validate myself. You aren't going to get over a 15yr marriage in 5 months.


I guess I agree with this and I don't. I agree that, all things said and done, I am probably not ready. I disagree with the fact that is has anything to do with the marriage though. I have accepted the demise of my marriage, we worked things out amicably, and I don't want to be with someone who does not love me.

Now, as far as the self-esteem issues and such that probably stem a little bit from being with my ex, that's part of the issue. The trouble is more of HOW to meet quality people for me. It's just a totally new experience. I'm glad you have no trouble meeting attractive women, but not all of us have such an easy time, so I am much more likely to hold on to whatever I can.


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## thunderstruck

Clawed said:


> I loathe myslf for not running from this woman.


Do you have any close male friends or family members? If not, you should concentrate on building those relationships first. You aren't ready to date. 

This woman who treats you like garbage...I have a few friends who I could count on to kick my azz if I told them a story like that. You need that, b/c right now you don't have the b**ls to NEXT her on your own.


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## Clawed

thunderstruck said:


> Do you have any close male friends or family members? If not, you should concentrate on building those relationships first. You aren't ready to date.
> 
> This woman who treats you like garbage...I have a few friends who I could count on to kick my azz if I told them a story like that. You need that, b/c right now you don't have the b**ls to NEXT her on your own.


Okay, and that's fine, but the question is nearly the same then - how would you make new friends if you were a fairly shy and had a bit of trouble knowing where to go and how to approach new people? I guess, that is what I have been driving at.

And why is it that people can treat each other like garbage even here, under the guise of 'helping.' It's not enough to say I'm not ready and give me your reasons? Was the last comment necessary?


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## badcompany

I'm not raking them in trust me. My profile is under constant revision to help *reduce* the amount of contacts I get but at the same time they are far more likely to be a better match for me.
There is a lot of attractive women out there that are nutcases cheaters and have all kinds of problems. Holding onto one of these is just going to end up causing you more problems.
I have a completely honest and if anything humble profile, what I've gone thru, interests, and if the site has a chemistry and needs thing fill them out too. Take some personality tests and get to know YOURSELF better and include that too. At the bottom I put in a little statement how that if interested just message a "hello" and we'll get some chat going. I don't "chase" very often.


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## LIMBOLADY

Clawed said:


> Okay, and that's fine, but the question is nearly the same then - how would you make new friends if you were a fairly shy and had a bit of trouble knowing where to go and how to approach new people? I guess, that is what I have been driving at.
> 
> And why is it that people can treat each other like garbage even here, under the guise of 'helping.' It's not enough to say I'm not ready and give me your reasons? Was the last comment necessary?


Clawed, I feel your pain and I am in a similar situation. I don't think I am ready to date at all but it would be nice to have friends to go out with and do things with. All of my friends here are married so I cannot do anything with them on a weekend. How do you go about making friends when you are 40+ years old? My workplace is not a very social environment either for that sort of thing. 

I don't know about your situation, but I am many hours away from my family so I cannot go to them either. 

The only thing I have tried is meetup.com where you can find some local groups to join that you might find interest in. They have everything from hiking, to walking, dog lovers, and the list goes on and on. 

Stay away from Craigs List. That is a very scary place.

Good luck. Like I said, I totally get where you are coming from. Hang in there.


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## Clawed

badcompany said:


> I'm not raking them in trust me. My profile is under constant revision to help *reduce* the amount of contacts I get but at the same time they are far more likely to be a better match for me.
> There is a lot of attractive women out there that are nutcases cheaters and have all kinds of problems. Holding onto one of these is just going to end up causing you more problems.
> I have a completely honest and if anything humble profile, what I've gone thru, interests, and if the site has a chemistry and needs thing fill them out too. Take some personality tests and get to know YOURSELF better and include that too. At the bottom I put in a little statement how that if interested just message a "hello" and we'll get some chat going. I don't "chase" very often.


*badcompany* Haha, well you must be a pretty damn good looking guy then, because I literally get zero contacts from anyone. My profile is pretty decent too, I think. I show that I am fun (even funny) sincere, loyal, compassionate. I should just add pics of someone else just to see what happens. What site(s) do you use?

*Limbolady* Nice to know I am not alone, I guess misery loves company, haha  But I agree, Meetup has been great when it comes to finding new hobbies and getting together with new people. I just joined a beach volleyball club even though I've never played before and I am absolutely hooked. However, I'll still go to the meet, introduce myself to everyone, but I have a hard time going any further than that. I'm friendly but standoffish. Craiglist is terrible, but I just used it recently to find a roommate and it's been an amazing setup and it's been several months, so I know it's at least possible to meet decent people. I think I did the whole "platonic friends" post with the intent of possibly meeting someone who might want to be more and it's less intimidating to people which is why I was actually able to meet up with a couple of people. Whereas with the apps, I can't even engage anyone in an intelligent conversation :/


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## thunderstruck

Clawed said:


> Was the last comment necessary?


IMHO, it was. You may agree after you ditch your gf. 

Either way, I wish you well. You deserve better than what you're accepting from this woman. :toast:


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## Clawed

thunderstruck said:


> IMHO, it was. You may agree after you ditch your gf.
> 
> Either way, I wish you well. You deserve better than what you're accepting from this woman. :toast:


I guess the truth hurts, is all 

I do appreciate your input.


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## thunderstruck

Clawed said:


> I guess the truth hurts, is all


The truth can be a real MOFO at times.

I'm blunt with the guys here when I see them making mistakes I've made, so feel free to tell me to F off at any time. :toast:

Another option for you would be volunteer work. No, don't do this JUST to score. Find something you're interested in, and then get out there. 

I meet lots of good people when I do this, and the women generally greatly outnumber the men.


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## badcompany

"Haha, well you must be a pretty damn good looking guy then, because I literally get zero contacts from anyone. My profile is pretty decent too, I think. I show that I am fun (even funny) sincere, loyal, compassionate. I should just add pics of someone else just to see what happens. What site(s) do you use?"

I just consider myself average but I am 6'-2" tall and I seem to attract a lot of 5'-8" +/- women, looks are all in the eye of the beholder. I've been told I look younger than 37 but if you saw the top of my head you'd know better.
I use match and POF, match produces far less contacts but more quality ones as its a pay site. POF is pretty busy and you need to do some sorting and ignoring.


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## Clawed

thunderstruck said:


> The truth can be a real MOFO at times.
> 
> I'm blunt with the guys here when I see them making mistakes I've made, so feel free to tell me to F off at any time. :toast:
> 
> Another option for you would be volunteer work. No, don't do this JUST to score. Find something you're interested in, and then get out there.
> 
> I meet lots of good people when I do this, and the women generally greatly outnumber the men.


Nah, I can take it, just have not posted in a little while so I forget that people can be very honest - which I have found is a VERY good thing. Here at TAM, people generally tell it like it is, which is why I'm here!

Volunteering is a good idea, and honestly, I really want to do more volunteer work anyway, I actually just signed on to do some work with United Way next month. I have a definite soft spot for helping people.


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## ne9907

badcompany said:


> You aren't ready to date yet Clawed.
> I've started giving it a try recently and I've got no problem telling the most attractive women we're not a good match sorry.
> I enjoy someone's company and want to have someone, but I don't need to.....especially someone that isn't a match just to validate myself. You aren't going to get over a 15yr marriage in 5 months.


Totally agree. I also think that love comes naturally
You definitely do not need a mean woman around you. Enjoy being single, date aroud. Overcome your shyness by simply smiling at people. Oh read the "the singles of TAM thread" great info!!


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## Clawed

ne9907 said:


> Totally agree. I also think that love comes naturally
> You definitely do not need a mean woman around you. Enjoy being single, date aroud. Overcome your shyness by simply smiling at people.


Yeah. Well, she is not mean to me, but I've lost count of the red flags for her. I think because my last relationship ended horribly, in flames, I don't care at this point. Everyone has their issues... this girl happens to be fun to hang out with and we talk quite a bit, but she drops so many bombs on me. It's something new every time. I found out early on she is bisexual with an insatiable sex drive during an early convo we had (not sure if it's normal to talk about that on meeting 3 - she still desribes us as being "just a little more than friends." Now, she is telling me about the "other men" in the picture, which includes 2 exes and a long time friend. This girl, she is not super pretty, but I happen to find her cute (and she thinks she is God's gift to men, lol). It's messed up though. She doesn't want me to meet anyone in her family yet - and from what I can tell, I 'out-normal' the lot of them by miles. Is it weird that I just don't give a damn anymore? She'll tell me all these crazy things and literally nothing phases or surprises me, and I have lived an INCREDIBLY sheltered life. Maybe it's the meds I'm on... but the old me would have been running for the hills after the first time we met.

Also, I woud date around, but it's hard for me. I went through enough trouble finally meeting this one. Like I said, I'm incredibly friendly and kind up front when I meet someone, but I don't really initiate any deeper conversation after that. I always just feel out of place.


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## badcompany

I met one of those myself, my first online meeting btw, and I DID run for the hills.
You can do better, give it more time, work on you and keep trying. 
Coming out of an emotionally empty marriage with a BPD'er, now knowing that I did my best and it wasn't all my fault, I have much more confidence and smiles than before and it's magnetic


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I stopped online dating. But wasn't sure why I did this although it's been, probably, since June. I realized today that I dislike having to be gracious and polite during dinners and movies and other events to someone who is behaving rudely or irritates me or is just not fun. Being alone is far preferable to some of the alternatives, and you should never, never, never forget that. Just go where you want to go and do what you want to do.


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## Hardtohandle

The reality is your not the same person you might envision you are.. I thought I was.. But I am starting to see I am not.. 

I have lost all patience at the age of 46.. I've think I have dated enough for a year or two or three atm.. 

The good thing is your young.. Which means at 33 you can get a 25 or 26 year old.. Less baggage and issues.. 

For me at 46, EVERYONE is gonna have some sort of issue.. Unfortunately I really am at the point I want a woman who will laugh at my jokes but be a fvcking mute the rest of the time.. I know its mean.. But I think I am just spent on this relationship sh1t myself..

No one has a sense of humor.. Everyone takes sh1t so serious an personal.. 

I think part of it is being a cop.. I think the cop sarcasm is just too much for some women.. Who the fvck knows.. 

So be happy your 33 and not 43...

26 is some experience but nothing crazy.. Unless they started at 14 or something..


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## SurpriseMyself

I think you are hanging around this girl because it's better than being alone. I could be off base here, but you don't sound like you are confident in who you are and so you need others to validate you are worth being with, even if it's a girl who you would otherwise run from.

The best thing you could do is get away from her. Next, do something that's going to build your confidence. Not necessarily with women, but in general. Then, after you are feeling strong, go rewrite your online profile. Bet you will get a few contacts then....


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## ne9907

I too was afraid of being alone, but not anymore.

I am thinking along the same lines of Hardtohandle, except I haven't date and really do not want to.

I do feel that I will not get a 2nd chance for real love (romance) and I am good with it. I am only 3 years older than you, but I can tell you that being alone for the rest of my life does not scare me.


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## Jellybeans

Everyone does have baggage. I got involved with exH in my early twenties, we divorced when I was 30. I'm 32 now and see a lot of my friends in their marriages going through sh1t. I always wonder which ones will divorce. Because half are supposed to, statistically, right?

I don't feel "young" but I don't feel "old" either. My life experience tells me I will meet someone(s) again. And again. Will I marry again? Idk. NEver say never, right? But it's not high on my list of things to do again. I have lived that life. I would like a partner to share my life with, a respectful partner, who is loving/mature and giving, who listens, is compassionate and kind. But... time will only tell. 

Marriage.

Eh.


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## Aerith

Clawed said:


> Okay, so I am official - single for the first time after a 15 and a half year relationship. I'm now 33 and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit I have never dated anyone but my ex. But then, I was 17 and I just kind of stumbled upon her online (who remembers AOL chatrooms?).
> 
> Honestly, I was doing pretty good on my own, you know - simply coping with the collapse of my marriage. I have been really happy, all things considered. It's been nice developing some new interests and connecting with my 7-year old son in a much more meaningful way.
> 
> However, I want to start trying again - although it feels like the first time. I have to say, I'm terrified. I'm coming out of a marriage in which my ex made me feel like crap about myself. To maintain a decent level of confidence I've been hitting the gym ever since my split, maybe 5 months now. I'm still pretty slender though and I know there are better looking guys out there so I don't even know where to start. I have trouble meeting people at 'normal' places, and even a couple of Meetup Groups I'm part of. I have a couple of dating apps which are terrible, btw. Not only does no one want to chat in any meaningful way, but the types of people you meet there, not the kind I want to be seeing. I even stooped so far as to post on Craigslist (for platonic friends though), I actually had a couple of responses there and I met a couple of women, one of which I kind of started dating. She is horrible for me, in every way imaginable, and I know that, but because she is paying me at least a little bit of attention, I am still around. She is the exact opposite of my ex, maybe that's why there is some attraction? Either way, she describes us as being 'in limbo' and she talks frequently about her ex and a couple of other guys that are pursuing her... I loathe myslf for not running from this woman.
> 
> Ugh, I actually was much better off without anyone and not having to worry about this crap. Maybe I was MEANT to be alone? Any suggestions for a clueless guy like myself if I want to find a decent woman (outside of stop posting on CL and using apps)? I feel like I have to settle... even though I am a really good guy - loyal, trustworthy, compassionate and treats women extremely well. I just feel like I can't get past the physical attraction stage (meaning, I'm just worried there is no one attracted enough to me to want to give me a shot - I'm scared of rejection, like anyone else).


Unless you are in modelling you don't have to be the best looking guy 
Just confidence and some sexy charm... Good talker and good listener would help too...

If you look at dating as kind of social training - not seriously, just to develop your skills, that would reduce the pressure. You don't have to find your next life partner right now - just casual dating. Just be yourself - no need to compromise and degrade your values with someone you see the first time and probably the last time

After failed marriage I think we all have problems with self-esteem for some time... But then it gets better...


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## Stretch

A couple of thoughts.

Married friends, how about suggesting girls or guys night out. There are gender preferred activities.

Clawed, focus on fun. I taught myself to understand that if you do not hit it off with someone, so what, just move on.

When you are looking for the one, they do not show up. When your happy, having fun, the right person will appear.

Good luck everyone, this does not have to be a chore, it can be a blast. 

You were a good catch before and if you worked on yourself you are an even better catch now.

Smile and be confident, companionship can be fun,
Stretch


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## Clawed

Right now, I am having fun when I'm with her, we go out and have a really great time. We first met, as friends, just had some good conversation over coffee. I discovered some interesting things about her and I actually felt comfortable talking about myself, my divorce, etc. I asked her later if it felt more like a date or a meeting as friends and she said more like a date, since it was our very first time meeting.

Since then, it's been going downhill the more I find out about her. It's to the point where I wonder how I liked her to begin with, because we seem so entirely incompatible. The thing is, I only feel like crap when I'm NOT with her, when we are together in person, I enjoy our time a lot. She has been pulling away a bit though, which suggests she is just keeping me hanging on until she figures out if she wants to reconnect with her ex. Whatever, I don't mind being friends with her. Like I said, tons of red flags, so I think my plan should be to back off completely in terms of pursuing her, because for some reason, I still have been (though I've scaled back quite a bit).


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## Jellybeans

Clawed said:


> Since then, it's been going downhill the more I find out about her. It's to the point where I wonder how I liked her to begin with, because we seem so entirely incompatible.
> 
> She has been pulling away a bit though, which suggests *she is just keeping me hanging on until she figures out if she wants to reconnect with her ex.* Whatever, I don't mind being friends with her. Like I said,* tons of red flags,* so I think my plan should be to back off completely in terms of pursuing her, because for some reason, I still have been (though I've scaled back quite a bit).


Why are yo ueven wasting time hanging with her? Seriously. Why?


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## Clawed

Because, like I said, I'm still having fun. I see friend potential, I guess. I need that right now. Just some people I can go out and catch a movie or grab dinner with. If nothing else, she is good for that.

Of course, part of me is still holding on because I want it to work, but the smart half of me knows it could absolutely never work as more than friends.


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## angelpixie

Clawed, the idea about getting involved with volunteering is going to be great in a number of ways. It will help you to sink your teeth into something that's meaningful to you (good for rebuilding self-esteem and confidence). In that, hopefully, you'll meet other people with at least that interest in common. That can help you build a friend network. It's not an arena that's based on socializing, so that takes some of the pressure off of you to focus on meeting people -- you're focused on your volunteer activity, and the meeting people is a sideline. 

Another thing you might want to investigate would be activities involving your 7 year old -- coaching pee-wee sports? Chaperoning something at his school? Things like that put you in touch with other parents of kids your son's age -- again, another way to build a network.

On top of that, these things fill your time with positive activities, lessening your time alone or spent with someone with tons of red flags. You'll get more validation from within, rather than needing the validation of a partner or gf.


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## Pbartender

angelpixie said:


> Clawed, the idea about getting involved with volunteering is going to be great in a number of ways. It will help you to sink your teeth into something that's meaningful to you (good for rebuilding self-esteem and confidence). In that, hopefully, you'll meet other people with at least that interest in common. That can help you build a friend network. It's not an arena that's based on socializing, so that takes some of the pressure off of you to focus on meeting people -- you're focused on your volunteer activity, and the meeting people is a sideline.


"Group" hobbies are great for this sort of thing, too... Like AP's contra dancing, or the community chorus and the community band that I joined.


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## Clawed

angelpixie said:


> Clawed, the idea about getting involved with volunteering is going to be great in a number of ways. It will help you to sink your teeth into something that's meaningful to you (good for rebuilding self-esteem and confidence). In that, hopefully, you'll meet other people with at least that interest in common. That can help you build a friend network. It's not an arena that's based on socializing, so that takes some of the pressure off of you to focus on meeting people -- you're focused on your volunteer activity, and the meeting people is a sideline.
> 
> Another thing you might want to investigate would be activities involving your 7 year old -- coaching pee-wee sports? Chaperoning something at his school? Things like that put you in touch with other parents of kids your son's age -- again, another way to build a network.
> 
> On top of that, these things fill your time with positive activities, lessening your time alone or spent with someone with tons of red flags. You'll get more validation from within, rather than needing the validation of a partner or gf.


Good input, thank you. It looks as if I am already on the right track then, not only do I volunteer periodically, but I also just finished coaching my first season of youth soccer. Plus, like I said, I already am involved in other activities like beach volleyball and photography - and I am getting involved in church. Really, I do have quite a bit on my plate right now, but that is why I wanted to at least attempt starting a new relationship. It's nice to be able to share it all with someone else.


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## Another Planet

A ton of good info in this thread already, I think I liked half the comments jeez. 
Still sounds like your not ready ready yet man. It is really easy to get wound up into another relationship right off the bat. Learn to be alone, if you aren't comfortable in your own skin/mind how can you make the logical judgement needed about initiating another soul into your life when you don't even know yourself.


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## Clawed

Another Planet said:


> A ton of good info in this thread already, I think I liked half the comments jeez.
> Still sounds like your not ready ready yet man. It is really easy to get wound up into another relationship right off the bat. Learn to be alone, if you aren't comfortable in your own skin/mind how can you make the logical judgement needed about initiating another soul into your life when you don't even know yourself.


Thank you for your honesty and checking out the thread. I think you nailed it. I am not comfortable with myself, and I'll be honest, it has 100% do do with appearance. Nothing more. I believe I have so many positive things to offer and I certainly don't let my failed marriage define who I am. So, I feel ready, but at the same time, I have some self-esteem issues to work through first - otherwise, I know that I will end up settling for less than what I deserve.


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## thunderstruck

Clawed said:


> Since then, it's been going downhill the more I find out about her. It's to the point where I wonder how I liked her to begin with, because we seem so entirely incompatible. The thing is, I only feel like crap when I'm NOT with her, when we are together in person, I enjoy our time a lot. She has been pulling away a bit though, which suggests she is just keeping me hanging on until she figures out if she wants to reconnect with her ex. Whatever, I don't mind being friends with her. Like I said, tons of red flags, so I think my plan should be to back off completely in terms of pursuing her, because for some reason, I still have been (though I've scaled back quite a bit).


I swear, man, you will read all your posts in this thread months from now, after you've NEXT'd her azz, and you'll facepalm so hard you'll knock yourself out. I was very fortunate to have ben in yours shoes at 18. The good, bad and red flags were off the charts with my gf at the time, but I refused to listen to any of my friends about it. I had to learn the hard way, but it was a great life lesson.

You deserve better, and you'll believe that soon.


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## Clawed

thunderstruck said:


> I swear, man, you will read all your posts in this thread months from now, after you've NEXT'd her azz, and *you'll facepalm so hard you'll knock yourself out*. I was very fortunate to have ben in yours shoes at 18. The good, bad and red flags were off the charts with my gf at the time, but I refused to listen to any of my friends about it. I had to learn the hard way, but it was a great life lesson.
> 
> You deserve better, and you'll believe that soon.


Hahaha... sorry, this made me laugh. 

Well, I have had zero communication with her since before the weekend. I technically owe her no explanation - she said it herself, she does not even know what to call "us."

I do have a question for everyone though, before I drop the bomb - is it reasonable to still be friends? Like I said, I enjoy hanging out - pretty sure she does too. I honestly think that is all that is has ever been anyway, from her perspective. I guess the downside to even that is that I am going to have to watch her self-destruct. I can't possibly imagine that her relationships will go well long-term... and guess who she would probably end up running to?


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## Jellybeans

Clawed said:


> I do have a question for everyone though, before I drop the bomb - is it reasonable to still be friends? Like I said, I enjoy hanging out - pretty sure she does too. I honestly think that is all that is has ever been anyway, from her perspective. I guess the downside to even that is that I am going to have to watch her self-destruct. I can't possibly imagine that her relationships will go well long-term... and guess who she would probably end up running to?


I wouldn't. You have already said that it's like watching a trainwreck. Why would you want someone like that as a friend? Someone's whose character you don't seem to think highly off?

Just tell her you don't see it going further and wish her well. 

Carry on.


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## Another Planet

Yeah that's never good. Just cut her completely out of your life cause the same drama will continue and you will continue to be involved. Maybe in like a couple years you could be friends but even then there is a good chance something will flare up but it's easier to just turn away at that point.


----------



## Clawed

Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't. You have already said that it's like watching a trainwreck. Why would you want someone like that as a friend? Someone's whose character you don't seem to think highly off?
> 
> Just tell her you don't see it going further and wish her well.
> 
> Carry on.


Would you think less of me if I said that I'm that desperate for friends? 

Kidding, kind of... It's quite often said that a good friend is hard to come by in Arizona. Living here for 13 years now, I definitely agree. It's easy to get involved and meet a lot of new people, but making lasting friendships seems impossible. And I have to say, I am a pretty decent friend, I think - loyal, compassionate, trustworthy - but again, getting past the acquaintance stage is tough, especially at my age (not that I'm old). With her, we are obviously past that, and I feel somewhat vested in her life.


----------



## Jellybeans

Clawed said:


> Would you think less of me if I said that I'm that desperate for friends?


Not at all. Friendships are so rewarding. When they are with good people who treat you well. Not with people who have drama and are drama.

It's your call.


----------



## Clawed

Jellybeans said:


> Not at all. Friendships are so rewarding. When they are with good people who treat you well. Not with people who have drama and are drama.
> 
> It's your call.


Wow, it's pretty sobering when I ask myself "Is she a good person?" and "Does she treat me well?" and I honestly have a very difficult time answering them. Yikes...


----------



## Jellybeans

Well, if she does not treat you well, then the question answers itself.

If she treats you well and is just a little crazy, that's another topic.


----------



## ne9907

Clawed said:


> Would you think less of me if I said that I'm that desperate for friends?
> 
> Kidding, kind of... It's quite often said that a good friend is hard to come by in Arizona. Living here for 13 years now, I definitely agree. It's easy to get involved and meet a lot of new people, but making lasting friendships seems impossible. And I have to say, I am a pretty decent friend, I think - loyal, compassionate, trustworthy - but again, getting past the acquaintance stage is tough, especially at my age (not that I'm old). With her, we are obviously past that, and I feel somewhat vested in her life.


Not at all
We can be virtual friends!! Btw, one of my goals is to move to Flagstaff, I love that place!


----------



## Clawed

ne9907 said:


> Not at all
> We can be virtual friends!! Btw, one of my goals is to move to Flagstaff, I love that place!


Sounds good - I consider everyone here at TAM to be my friends, the kind I wish I had in person - no one gives me the hard truth as you guys do. I believe that is what a good friend does. So thank you!

Also, I have never been to Flagstaff - crazy, huh? I'll have to make it up there one day soon.


----------



## ne9907

I like it because it snows in the winter, gets a good amount of annual rain, does not get too hot, and it is fairly close to California.
But I do hear the cost of living is very expensive...


----------



## sammy3

Gosh, you guys sound like your dead at 30, 33, & 45... Try going back out in the workd at 60!!! It's really hard to meet people. 

Believe it or not, I really dont feel any different now, than I did at 28, and I look pretty much the same as I did when I was in my late 30's early 40's. 

So if you guys think you have it tough, try it at my age... 

~sammy


----------



## Jellybeans

sammy3 said:


> Gosh, you guys sound like your dead at 30, 33, & 45...


:rofl:

Apparently no matter what age we all are, getting back in the dating game SUCKS.


----------



## Another Planet

sammy3 said:


> Gosh, you guys sound like your dead at 30, 33, & 45... Try going back out in the workd at 60!!! It's really hard to meet people.
> 
> Believe it or not, I really dont feel any different now, than I did at 28, and I look pretty much the same as I did when I was in my late 30's early 40's.
> 
> So if you guys think you have it tough, try it at my age...
> 
> ~sammy


I was out working this morning and the whole time I am just thinking about how nice it is when you have someone to come home to from after work...
Then I remembered how miserable it is trying to find someone to fill that role


----------



## badcompany

sammy3 said:


> Gosh, you guys sound like your dead at 30, 33, & 45... Try going back out in the workd at 60!!! It's really hard to meet people.
> 
> Believe it or not, I really dont feel any different now, than I did at 28, and I look pretty much the same as I did when I was in my late 30's early 40's.
> 
> So if you guys think you have it tough, try it at my age...
> 
> ~sammy


Sammy, its all about location. In my area we're a college and retiree town, so there is plenty to chose from in the 20's and mid 40's on up but my age group is pretty slim pickings. Throw in work and co-parenting kids and finding the time is even harder.


----------



## Clawed

badcompany said:


> Sammy, its all about location. In my area we're a college and retiree town, so there is plenty to chose from in the 20's and mid 40's on up but my age group is pretty slim pickings. Throw in work and co-parenting kids and finding the time is even harder.


This is absolutely true. Like I said, AZ is hard in general, it's just a different mentality here - there is no sense of community. Everyone is a transplant from somewhere else. And I can say that, because I am from NY myself.


----------



## ne9907

sammy3 said:


> Gosh, you guys sound like your dead at 30, 33, & 45... Try going back out in the workd at 60!!! It's really hard to meet people.
> 
> Believe it or not, I really dont feel any different now, than I did at 28, and I look pretty much the same as I did when I was in my late 30's early 40's.
> 
> So if you guys think you have it tough, try it at my age...
> 
> ~sammy


haha
I was just thinking that at 36, I am not a spring chicken anymore and my pickings are getting very low!

That is all right with me, I want to become with crazy cat lady when I get older~


----------



## 3Xnocharm

ne9907 said:


> haha
> 
> That is all right with me, I want to become with crazy cat lady when I get older~


I am starting to think this is the way to go!


----------



## badcompany

Clawed said:


> This is absolutely true. Like I said, AZ is hard in general, it's just a different mentality here - there is no sense of community. Everyone is a transplant from somewhere else. And I can say that, because I am from NY myself.


Same here, more "valley girls" than locals left here, except I'm not a transplant.


----------



## ne9907

2galsmom said:


> Nope. It sucks at every age and in every location. I am in population central. I was in the same location when I was 21. It has not changed one bit.
> 
> Isn't half of AZ from California?


Arizona is next to California, both are pretty big states. Flagstaff is about 8 hours from where I am at. So not too far.


----------



## ne9907

2galsmom said:


> You are funny. Yes. I know where Arizona is, I love it there. I also know half of Phoenix Scottsdale is Los Angeles transplants who we refer to as Zonies. You want to be a Zonie ne?
> 
> It used to be you got divorced here and moved to AZ. I guess we should pack our bags but I do not fancy wearing leather gloves in the summer because the steering wheel is ten thousand degrees F.


haha!!!
Yes I would like to be a zonie


----------



## angelpixie

ne9907 said:


> haha
> I was just thinking that at 36, I am not a spring chicken anymore and my pickings are getting very low!
> 
> That is all right with me, I want to become with crazy cat lady when I get older~





3Xnocharm said:


> I am starting to think this is the way to go!


What do you do if you're allergic to cats? Or don't like them? Or both?


----------



## ne9907

angelpixie said:


> What do you do if you're allergic to cats? Or don't like them? Or both?


I love cats! I am not allergic to them. I wish science would come up with miniature cats (do they exist?)

A perpetual kitty would be awesome!! I would like order 10 of them!!!

I am seriously crazy about cats. I would like to move to the country and open a cat sanctuary or something like that. But all my cats will behave, be neutered, and declawed (indoors).... Hmmm maybe not declawed so they can fight their own battles.


----------



## angelpixie

ne9907 said:


> *I love cats! I am not allergic to them.* I wish science would come up with miniature cats (do they exist?)
> 
> A perpetual kitty would be awesome!! I would like order 10 of them!!!
> 
> I am seriously crazy about cats. I would like to move to the country and open a cat sanctuary or something like that. But all my cats will behave, be neutered, and declawed (indoors).... Hmmm maybe not declawed so they can fight their own battles.



I was referring to yours truly.


----------



## whitehawk

Another Planet said:


> I was out working this morning and the whole time I am just thinking about how nice it is when you have someone to come home to from after work...
> Then I remembered how miserable it is trying to find someone to fill that role



Yeah , that's when it hurts the most for me too. l often have to travel across state to pick up or deliver my jobs. And it use to be a barrage of text all the way there and all the way back . lf it wasn't my x it was my d. And at night an hr or so from home it was always exiting for us all , l'd get home and my girls would be all happy to see me and x and l would catch up. She'd make me coffee or save me some desert . Now there's nothing and l miss all that so much .
Hmm , now l've upset myself 

l could not imagine anyone else being the same .


----------



## whitehawk

l come from a huge family and some married some didn't/ Got a bro late 40's , he's never lived with a gf . He gets his action but his just unlucky in love.
Got a sis 51 , only guy she ever lived with was in her 20s, she's even unluckier than bro . Cool lookin girl too , only looks about 35.
These two have lived on their own since they left home basically . What a bizarre existence, l just couldn't imagine it.

Yet here l am now . l've never really been girl'less . Maybe 12 mths straight my whole life . l've only had wild belts of friends though , never consistent , never last, l am very unlucky in friendships.


----------



## ne9907

whitehawk said:


> l come from a huge family and some married some didn't/ Got a bro late 40's , he's never lived with a gf . He gets his action but his just unlucky in love.
> Got a sis 51 , only guy she ever lived with was in her 20s, she's even unluckier than bro . Cool lookin girl too , only looks about 35.
> These two have lived on their own since they left home basically . What a bizarre existence, l just couldn't imagine it.
> 
> Yet here l am now . l've never really been girl'less . Maybe 12 mths straight my whole life . l've only had wild belts of friends though , never consistent , never last, l am very unlucky in friendships.


I am sorry you are feeling down. I too, was very sad today, but as the night is ending I am feeling better.
I shouldn't be sad since I am surrounded by my family. 
Life will get better. I know this!


----------



## whitehawk

ne9907 said:


> I am sorry you are feeling down. I too, was very sad today, but as the night is ending I am feeling better.
> I shouldn't be sad since I am surrounded by my family.
> Life will get better. I know this!


Thanks for that ne , sure hope so for us both.


----------



## Another Planet

ne9907 said:


> I am sorry you are feeling down. I too, was very sad today, but as the night is ending I am feeling better.
> I shouldn't be sad since I am *surrounded by my family*.
> Life will get better. I know this!


This is a love hate thing for me. I seriously feel like a void is filled when I have my family and friends around, I am literally just absolutely happy.
And then they leave.....and that emptiness comes back..... 
So the whole time they are here I just keep thinking please don't leave, it's really frkn pathetic honestly but I can't help feeling that way.


----------



## ne9907

Another Planet said:


> This is a love hate thing for me. I seriously feel like a void is filled when I have my family and friends around, I am literally just absolutely happy.
> And then they leave.....and that emptiness comes back.....
> So the whole time they are here I just keep thinking please don't leave, it's really frkn pathetic honestly but I can't help feeling that way.


I am quite the opposite. I do not know what is going on with me at the moment. I am surrounded by family, I am happy, but after a while, I get annoyed. I want to run away and never see anyone ever again. Especially yesterday, when everyone was here. I was happy but then I got very sad, moody, emotional, and finally angry.... I lashed out to someone who has been very nice to me. I am a mess. 

Has anyone just wanted to run away? Just get lost and never come back? Is this normal?


----------



## ne9907

2galsmom said:


> I declined an invite from my friend for Thanksgiving Day because her husband is a trigger for me. It takes time and healing ne. Don't expect results overnight, you have been through hell for over a decade. But on the other hand, it won't take forever to heal.
> 
> I wanted to run away, alas I cannot and I also know my issues would follow me.


Thank you 2gals, you always say the right things at the right times


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ne9907 said:


> I am quite the opposite. I do not know what is going on with me at the moment. I am surrounded by family, I am happy, but after a while, I get annoyed. I want to run away and never see anyone ever again. Especially yesterday, when everyone was here. I was happy but then I got very sad, moody, emotional, and finally angry.... I lashed out to someone who has been very nice to me. I am a mess.
> 
> Has anyone just wanted to run away? Just get lost and never come back? Is this normal?


I went to Mongolia last summer, for a while. Going to DC over Christmas for a bit just to get lost and wander around, then Iceland in February. If you're the type who needs to get away once in a while, you should indulge. It takes the edge off, seriously. There is running away, and there is running away. It's so much more fun when you do it on your own terms.


----------



## ne9907

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I went to Mongolia last summer, for a while. Going to DC over Christmas for a bit just to get lost and wander around, then Iceland in February. If you're the type who needs to get away once in a while, you should indulge. It takes the edge off, seriously. There is running away, and there is running away. It's so much more fun when you do it on your own terms.


I am planning on doing this once I get myself establish a bit more. I have always wanted to see Washington DC. and many other places.

Mongolia sounds fun!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

2galsmom said:


> I declined an invite from my friend for Thanksgiving Day because her husband is a trigger for me. It takes time and healing ne. Don't expect results overnight, you have been through hell for over a decade. But on the other hand, it won't take forever to heal.
> 
> I wanted to run away, alas I cannot and I also know my issues would follow me.


What is it about her husband that triggers you?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

OMG, I do NOT blame you for not wanting to be around that! Yuck!!


----------



## whitehawk

ne9907 said:


> I am quite the opposite. I do not know what is going on with me at the moment. I am surrounded by family, I am happy, but after a while, I get annoyed. I want to run away and never see anyone ever again. Especially yesterday, when everyone was here. I was happy but then I got very sad, moody, emotional, and finally angry.... I lashed out to someone who has been very nice to me. I am a mess.
> 
> Has anyone just wanted to run away? Just get lost and never come back? Is this normal?



l've wanted to my whole life and me and ex spent 10 yrs all over interstate doing just that. l still like the idea .

l often have enough of people to , famous for it.
Maybe you just have too much on your mind right now , not up to too much of it if your anything like me in that sitch.
l find to right now , other peoples happiness can really piss me of inside right now. Not all you guys hell we deserve some but in life you know , it can make me really sad if it's in my face.
Especially older happy married couples. l mean l'm happy for tham and admire their staying power , it just makes me sad. We were always gonna be one of those.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ne9907 said:


> I am planning on doing this once I get myself establish a bit more. I have always wanted to see Washington DC. and many other places.
> 
> Mongolia sounds fun!


DC is fun because it's inexpensive, there are so many different parts to the Smithsonian, and lots of small places where you can get good food inexpensively. It's also easy to get around on foot, using the Metro or if necessary a taxi. In the winter there are outdoor skating rinks set up in a few places, add to that good independent film theaters and places where people read poetry / open mic and you're good. DC is a place where it's easy to be single and anonymous, I hope the same for Reyjkavik. Not that I'm going to be doing anything I'd be ashamed of, it's that I like to travel and explore but I like to stay under the radar and be unobtrusive, so places like that appeal to me. Where you can sit on a bench for a while or at a table or bar somewhere for a while and nobody gives it a second thought. 

Mongolia was fun but you have to watch yourself as petty crime is fairly high. There were a lot of drunks in my neighborhood and when I walked home from work at midnight I'd have to be on the lookout, but carried a bright pink metal water bottle with my finger looped through the handle clip hole and rest of hand around the top. Just a bit of a swing and the drunks and the wild dogs left me alone. The last night I was there I saw a night-time recreational cyclist out for a ride and the pack of dogs near the outdoor bar gave chase. I nearly died laughing. The street kids are also a bit hard on you, there are less of them and not sure if this is because they've all been stolen as slaves or maybe body parts for the wealthy Chinese and other people wanting transplants. One or the other probably :-(


----------



## RandomDude

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Mongolia was fun but you have to watch yourself as petty crime is fairly high. There were a lot of drunks in my neighborhood and when I walked home from work at midnight I'd have to be on the lookout, but carried a bright pink metal water bottle with my finger looped through the handle clip hole and rest of hand around the top. Just a bit of a swing and the drunks and the wild dogs left me alone. The last night I was there I saw a night-time recreational cyclist out for a ride and the pack of dogs near the outdoor bar gave chase. I nearly died laughing.


Did you meet the nomads at least?



> The street kids are also a bit hard on you, there are less of them and not sure if this is because they've all been stolen as slaves or maybe body parts for the wealthy Chinese and other people wanting transplants. One or the other probably :-(












Here they are 

Ne ways I hope you've had a good trip, did you enjoy your time there overall?


----------



## ne9907

RandomDude said:


> Did you meet the nomads at least?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Here they are


That is such an adorable kid!! I never had children in my marriage, I have been giving adoption some important consideration. Hopefully, when I get back on my feet if all works well, I would want to adopt.


----------



## Another Planet

ne9907 said:


> That is such an adorable kid!! I never had children in my marriage, I have been giving adoption some important consideration. Hopefully, when I get back on my feet if all works well, I would want to adopt.


ne that is from a recent pictoral/article about some of the places kids sleep around the world.


----------



## ne9907

Another Planet said:


> ne that is from a recent pictoral/article about some of the places kids sleep around the world.


I know, My thoughts ran along the lines of children who need loving parents. Like this child, who has no place to live.


----------



## ne9907

2galsmom said:


> Good for you ne9907. And I warn you! None of you bother attacking her for her contemplating adopting a child from another county, and demand why she is not thinking of adopting an American child. A child, is a child is a child and they are all worthy of saving.
> 
> Ne9907 if anyone every pulls that on you say, "If you are so concerned over American children, tell me how many YOU have adopted. None? I thought so."
> 
> That child is adorable.


Aww 2gals:
You have no idea how wonderful and warming you, everyone else, and this site is to me. 
I have been in a big funk since Thanksgiving. Apparently my ex is telling everyone that I never wanted children, when in reality that is far from the truth. I cannot have children, through out our marriage I was always careful with money, saving because I wanted to go through IVF to have a child. Call it a version of ex and I. 
It just happened that life has different plans for people, we were never able to save enough. Every time we had money saved he would spent it in frivolous things like a jet ski, a car, a boat, etc. He thought we needed to be happy (he was probably right) THen, he found out he had a teenager child from a past relationship, by then I had lost hope of ever having our own biological child and close my heart to the idea, and he never wanted to adopt. 
So having a child never materialized. Now that I am by myself. I want a child to raise and to love. I honestly do not care what nationality he/she is. 
I will be blessed either way.

Now I am crying, haha. 
I so adore this site!!! It gives me hope.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

RandomDude said:


> Did you meet the nomads at least?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Here they are
> 
> Ne ways I hope you've had a good trip, did you enjoy your time there overall?


The nomads do not actually travel so far as some people think. Usually it's just from out on the open in the summer to the base of the mountains in the winter. The mountains provide a barrier to the wind, also in the spring the rocks of the mountains heat up better and so the grazing is improved there vs. the flat steppes. But they do not travel so far as one would think, the Soviets left behind districts and most stay in their district and on the approved lands for the people who have been there traditionally, you need a permit to be a nomad! If you stay too long on someone else's land, with flocks or not, you will be asked to move along, no squatting.

The kids, yes, I think I met that one. Perfect teeth and well fed and swears in perfect English. The kids are very smart most times, I think living underground not only do the pipes keep them warm without the use of the nasty coal stoves, they are also spared breathing in the coal dust that everyone else has to inhale. The meek will inherit the earth, like the British poor who couldn't afford white flour and ate the "inferior" brown wheat, these kids will be less affected by coal dust and the various hazards of ger living and apartment dwelling. Many of them do have parents, at least one who will acknowledge them, so foreign adoption is very difficult. It is better to send a donation than to adopt these kids out of their homeland. Children of the Blue Sky is a good organization, it only helps a few kids at a time but it's legit and free from corruption that other organizations have. I think one thing the organizer/founder is doing is assisting kids to claim benefits that belong to them from the government, and helping them to establish themselves. In UB, in particular, there are plenty of opportunities for kids who can get a little help. 

As for lack of toilets and running water underground, that's no different than most ger dwellers and some apartment dwellers, even in UB and surrounding area. Mongolia has many issues. Right now pollution is the worst issue, as it's winter, which gives the underground dwellers an advantage of sorts as everyone else is breathing in very toxic stuff at very high doses, worse even than Beijing.


----------



## RandomDude

Well I was hoping you would at least say something positive about us =/

Even though the Halh people aren't my ethnic they are our cousins and the face of our race to the rest of the world tis all. Mongol lifestyles have always been harsh, even in modern times, all we have now is our people and our culture, and I'm curious of foreigner impressions of us, regardless of the economic/environmental issues in UB.


----------



## ne9907

RandomDude said:


> Well I was hoping you would at least say something positive about us =/
> 
> Even though the Halh people aren't my ethnic they are our cousins and the face of our race to the rest of the world tis all. Mongol lifestyles have always been harsh, even in modern times, all we have now is our people and our culture, and I'm curious of foreigner impressions of us, regardless of the economic/environmental issues in UB.


Random, that kid is absolutely adorable!
I have been told I look Pilipino and sometimes Asian.
Do you see that in my avatar?


----------



## RandomDude

Yeah I actually thought you were Filipina myself lol


----------



## Soveryalone

I don't even know how I found this thread, but I have to say I feel much less alone now after reading. Really funny to me that the initial post mentioned AOL, I met my Ex on AOL, and was with her for 12 years, prior to that , I was with someone for 4 years so I really don't have a whole lot of casual dating experience either. I am 37 years old, also lost touch with 95% of my friends, like someone else mentioned in the thread, I was living 1300 miles away from my family and my friends for nearly 8 years so I really lost touch with everyone. So I moved back north( was living in the south with her) 

MY ex and I decided it was over and I left in May, and have been living 3.5 hours north of my family, I work and I am in School finishing my graduate degree so I hardly have anytime, but I really more than anything feel like I am missing the support a group of friends can offer. Like most people when you are in a serious relationship you lose touch with your friends, and that makes me really upset. But I haven't a clue where to meet new people, people say try dating sites, or do things I love to do and try to meet people that way, but I have school and work and I have limited time. 

I am single, and yes miss certain parts of being in a relationship, however there are so many many ****ty things about being involved , I think people forget this too often. I am ready to date, ready to be involved again , this I know for sure, but I honestly don't think I want to, I think I am still getting back on my own two feet. sorry for this rant haha 

more than anything I just want to make new friends, I don't really care about falling in love again, that's not in the cards for me, I just want to be there to support people, and feel supported as well, its just nice to care about someone and know they care about me too, anyways, I still don't know how I found this thread , but I am glad I did.


----------



## Another Planet

Soveryalone said:


> I don't even know how I found this thread, but I have to say I feel much less alone now after reading. Really funny to me that the initial post mentioned AOL, I met my Ex on AOL, and was with her for 12 years, prior to that , I was with someone for 4 years so I really don't have a whole lot of casual dating experience either. I am 37 years old, also lost touch with 95% of my friends, like someone else mentioned in the thread, I was living 1300 miles away from my family and my friends for nearly 8 years so I really lost touch with everyone. So I moved back north( was living in the south with her)
> 
> MY ex and I decided it was over and I left in May, and have been living 3.5 hours north of my family, I work and I am in School finishing my graduate degree so I hardly have anytime, but I really more than anything feel like I am missing the support a group of friends can offer. Like most people when you are in a serious relationship you lose touch with your friends, and that makes me really upset. But I haven't a clue where to meet new people, people say try dating sites, or do things I love to do and try to meet people that way, but I have school and work and I have limited time.
> 
> I am single, and yes miss certain parts of being in a relationship, however there are so many many ****ty things about being involved , I think people forget this too often. I am ready to date, ready to be involved again , this I know for sure, but I honestly don't think I want to, I think I am still getting back on my own two feet. sorry for this rant haha
> 
> more than anything I just want to make new friends, I don't really care about falling in love again, that's not in the cards for me, I just want to be there to support people, and feel supported as well, its just nice to care about someone and know they care about me too, anyways, I still don't know how I found this thread , but I am glad I did.


Yep same here. Not really sure how to integrate myself again... 
Glad you found some support


----------



## ne9907

Welcome Soveryalone.


----------



## Soveryalone

thanks  I am very slowly reintegrating I think, I work with some really cool people however , I feel sort of strange walking up to someone and saying " hey lets be friends " , I did make a friend on this site a few months back, and we seemed to get along really well, but that sorta ended as quickly as it began, I tried the whole chatroom thing and met a lot of really nice people , however they are from all over the world and honestly I think after a few months of chatting , I sorta realized just how selfish and cruel some people can be, so anyways about 4-5 days ago I just stopped doing the chatroom thing, however now I am really on a mission to meet new people, make new real friends, I guess anything is possible right? I am really busy , I work nearly 60 hours a week plus school takes about 30-40 hrs a week but for some reason I just feel like now is the right time to make new friends , who knows maybe I can make another friend on this site, the one I met a while back, we really clicked , I thought her and I were going to be friends for a very long time, anyways  thanks for the welcome


----------



## whitehawk

l think l must be the only person on this site that went through all this though , after 18yrs together , totally alone.
Without my little family now , everything in my life is alone. l live alone , l also live outa town on 1 ac and l do not fit in with any loacal , at all. l work alone and from home. My family are 3hrs away,l have one brother 1 hr away. Apart from seeing him for a few hours about once a mth and 3 or 4 ph calls with a couple of my sisters, l've gone through 13mths of this , basically with just tam , that's it. And some phone counseling about once every 2 wks. 
On the phone to banks and finance companies and power and ph companies after more time every wk or two, credit cards the lot. So there hasn't even been money to get out a bit.
So there ya go , that should make everyone else feel better.
Went lots of heartbreaking wk ends alone with my daughter trying to find ways of just making it better for her and in tears myself 1/2 the time . 
life can just be downright cruel to some of us , been a barrel of laughs that's for sure.

As far as new friends go , that's hard to because l'mout of all the towns so l don't really have ways of meeting people in them.
We'd only been in this house 12 mths and only moved to the area 6yrs ago but that's been just work and stress to get to here and so not meeting anyone anyway.

So bizarre though and now l know this will be a contradiction in terms but one of the other big things that helps wreck our marriage was 12 mths of partying and an EA - if it doesn't rain it poors.
But they were all interstate friends down visiting , l haven't seen any of them now though since before we split. 

l did spend 2mths with a girl l met early on and now l thank God that happened because it was the only social thing that came my way in this whole 13mths.

But , l have had some gorgeous wk ends and hoidays with my d and often a heap of her friends eating me out house and home and wallet , heaps of fun though.

My bro and l have started doing a bit of fishing too , nah , l can't catch a cold but hey , ya should see the scenery who cares !
l also finally got enough left of a pay to buy a canoe to so l've been getting into that and again , lots of lovely female tourists about where l canoe. My d's been coming a lot too , heaps of fun.

But yep , l've only been a lone 12 mths since l was 15 before this because l always had gf's or was married. So just how the hell to break into friend stuff after all this time is a tricky one , especially living out here.

So all in al , this has definitely been the hardest , most painful , most stressful and loneliest 13mths of my entire life that's for sure 
But it also follows a pattern that's been my whole life too , highs much higher than most people ever get because when it's on offer l must admit - l do know how to have a good time , usually too good. And here we are, the lowest of lows once again in my life only of course this one is the lowest point ever. 
So , maybe my highs are nearly due , that's how it usually works for me and seems as this was so bad hey , they might be worth the wait hopefully - bringem on !!!!


----------



## Another Planet

whitehawk said:


> l think l must be the only person on this site that went through all this though , after 18yrs together , totally alone.
> Without my little family now , everything in my life is alone. l live alone , l also live outa town on 1 ac and l do not fit in with any loacal , at all. l work alone and from home. My family are 3hrs away,l have one brother 1 hr away. Apart from seeing him for a few hours about once a mth and 3 or 4 ph calls with a couple of my sisters, l've gone through 13mths of this , basically with just tam , that's it. And some phone counseling about once every 2 wks.
> On the phone to banks and finance companies and power and ph companies after more time every wk or two, credit cards the lot. So there hasn't even been money to get out a bit.
> So there ya go , that should make everyone else feel better.
> Went lots of heartbreaking wk ends alone with my daughter trying to find ways of just making it better for her and in tears myself 1/2 the time .
> life can just be downright cruel to some of us , been a barrel of laughs that's for sure.
> 
> As far as new friends go , that's hard to because l'mout of all the towns so l don't really have ways of meeting people in them.
> We'd only been in this house 12 mths and only moved to the area 6yrs ago but that's been just work and stress to get to here and so not meeting anyone anyway.
> 
> So bizarre though and now l know this will be a contradiction in terms but one of the other big things that helps wreck our marriage was 12 mths of partying and an EA - if it doesn't rain it poors.
> But they were all interstate friends down visiting , l haven't seen any of them now though since before we split.
> 
> l did spend 2mths with a girl l met early on and now l thank God that happened because it was the only social thing that came my way in this whole 13mths.
> 
> But , l have had some gorgeous wk ends and hoidays with my d and often a heap of her friends eating me out house and home and wallet , heaps of fun though.
> 
> My bro and l have started doing a bit of fishing too , nah , l can't catch a cold but hey , ya should see the scenery who cares !
> l also finally got enough left of a pay to buy a canoe to so l've been getting into that and again , lots of lovely female tourists about where l canoe. My d's been coming a lot too , heaps of fun.
> 
> But yep , l've only been a lone 12 mths since l was 15 before this because l always had gf's or was married. So just how the hell to break into friend stuff after all this time is a tricky one , especially living out here.
> 
> So all in al , this has definitely been the hardest , most painful , most stressful and loneliest 13mths of my entire life that's for sure
> But it also follows a pattern that's been my whole life too , highs much higher than most people ever get because when it's on offer l must admit - l do know how to have a good time , usually too good. And here we are, the lowest of lows once again in my life only of course this one is the lowest point ever.
> So , maybe my highs are nearly due , that's how it usually works for me and seems as this was so bad hey , they might be worth the wait hopefully - bringem on !!!!


I'm sorry to hear that :/
Strangely enough I can fully relate to you. Even the 2 months with another girl thing.....
I divorced my wife in March and if it wasn't for one person and his wife dragging me out I probably would have gone down a hole I might never have recovered from, I actually get scared at what could have been if it wasn't for them. I lucked out and met a ton of wonderful new friends and made so many great memories this summer.
You got to get out man! Where do you live that is so out of range of everything?


----------



## ne9907

Soveryalone said:


> thanks  I am very slowly reintegrating I think, I work with some really cool people however , I feel sort of strange walking up to someone and saying " hey lets be friends " , I did make a friend on this site a few months back, and we seemed to get along really well, but that sorta ended as quickly as it began, I tried the whole chatroom thing and met a lot of really nice people , however they are from all over the world and honestly I think after a few months of chatting , I sorta realized just how selfish and cruel some people can be, so anyways about 4-5 days ago I just stopped doing the chatroom thing, however now I am really on a mission to meet new people, make new real friends, I guess anything is possible right? I am really busy , I work nearly 60 hours a week plus school takes about 30-40 hrs a week but for some reason I just feel like now is the right time to make new friends , who knows maybe I can make another friend on this site, the one I met a while back, we really clicked , I thought her and I were going to be friends for a very long time, anyways  thanks for the welcome


Somehow I feel that at my age (36) and having no children, it will be difficult to make new friends. 
I do keep in contact with high school friends who live about 2 hours from me, but since I have been very apathetic I have not visited them in a while.
I also text with an old army buddy, she is very far away but I know that if I need to talk she is always there.
At the moment, I do not feel like socializing at all. I was reading the "Singles of TAM", boy that thread is super fun and always makes me smile, they are discussing dating. I honestly cannot wait for the time when I have the desire to date, even if they are crummy dates.
THings will get better.


----------



## whitehawk

Another Planet said:


> I'm sorry to hear that :/
> Strangely enough I can fully relate to you. Even the 2 months with another girl thing.....
> I divorced my wife in March and if it wasn't for one person and his wife dragging me out I probably would have gone down a hole I might never have recovered from, I actually get scared at what could have been if it wasn't for them. I lucked out and met a ton of wonderful new friends and made so many great memories this summer.
> You got to get out man! Where do you live that is so out of range of everything?


Ahh thats great , really glad things came together for you . But it's funny l know, how it can often just take that one person to change things for you , especially if they know people. Did you meet the new crowd through them and then some fun came from there or ?
Mt sitch is just such bs l still can't believe it. l'm 10-15 mins out of 4 or 5 small towns surround me . Then my main bigger town 25mis away. There's no one local to my house l fit in with and by the time l finish running in and out for groceries or around for work , that uses up what fuel money there is and there's just never anything left to get out for fun. So l do try to make the most of that running around. l often have to travel across state to to either pick up or deliver jobs to so l try to make the most of those trips too.
But our sep and financial mess has just left me too broke and struggling through each wk see for anything else.
My fav town is on the coast 20mins over, that's where l wanna move if the house sells. But by the time l save petrol money to go over there canoeing once or twice a wk there's nothin left.
Our main cities 3hrs away. Been gonna go down and crash at my sis's place for ages, and bonus , she's got some great looking friends  but money or else if the monies been there the time hasn't.
Same with some other friends a few hrs away , they've been inviting me over for mths and they know heaps of people but same though, money or timing. 
l have my d most wk ends too, not giving that up but l we can swap and change easy enough if there is something.
Have made some good internet friends here and around but hey , need real world to right now.

lt's just been weird though right through, as though because l've need some life so badly now it just seems to fkg run away from me, typical 
Maybe it's all part of lifes plan for me now and ends up landing me in some new sitch that otherwise couldn't have come about. l met my x in almost identical circumstances , never know. Could be some light just waiting at the end of the tunnel. l've got a feeling it's much closer now . Had to this exact same feeling just before l met her so , never know.

Maybe it's even about us R'ing , not sure . Hopefully it is for something though.


----------



## whitehawk

It's weird how in the first 6 or 7 mths of this l could feel nothing , zero , zilch , nada.
But l've always believed in fate and lifes proven it too me over and over if things are taking their natural coarse.

Well through this , my natural coarse seems to insist on me going through all this and alone , because life has somehow blocked and stopped every single attempt l've made at anything really since all this started.

So l am pretty sure it does have a plan for me now and l can feel something brewing in the air sooooo , see what happens l guess.
Meanwhile though l guess l'll keep trying to get things going and hey on the one life doesn't ironically block me on , maybe that'll be the path that leads to the rainbow :smthumbup:


----------



## Soveryalone

thanks for the support 2galsmom, I am a huge believer in all forms of equality however I think men and women are very different when it comes to reconnecting with old friends / making new friends. most male friendships are extremely superficial , meaning us guys talk about sports maybe music and a few other topics but in terms of depth of a friendship I think women are far more likely to achieve this than men are. 
I was raised by a single mom, and she taught me to be very much in touch with my emotional side, and to be expressive and to deal with issues head on when they arise ( in terms of plutonic/ romantic relationships) so I am a bit of an anomaly. I have one male friend I can talk to in depth however I tend to open up and get along much better with female friends. female friends are terrific however at times the lines get very blurry, and what was once plutonic friendship quickly evolves on one side or the other. in any case thanks for the reply


----------



## Soveryalone

quote from Ne9907 -" I honestly cannot wait for the time when I have the desire to date, even if they are crummy dates"
I hear ya but who has the time to actively date lol I totally hear ya when you say you are 36 and have no children , and I am quite sure a majority of the people you know do have families / children, I am one year older, 37 , I too have no children and I think when people have children, like a majority of the people I know do have, they change drastically, their lives change drastically and they really only feel comfortable with and can identify with others who are parents as well. 
As far as dating goes, I hope things will improve for me, it would be nice to spend some time with the right lady  but I have gotten to the point where I don't have the time or energy to date, or even get close to someone, I have a few people I do talk to now and again ( if it was up to them I would talk to them a whole lot more haha) and its nice to care about someone and its even nicer when she cares about me too, but each day that passes that I am single , alone and doing my own thing I realize more and more that I am completely and totally fine with being single. 
its kinda silly and a little funny but I try to focus on all the negative aspects of being in a relationship. the arguments, the worrying , the self doubt, dealing with someone else's family ( I know I struggle dealing with my own family most of the time lol) anyways yes falling asleep with someone is nice, yes sharing hopes and dreams is awesome, yes making plans for the future with someone is exciting and peaceful, however focusing on your own plans, having your own hopes and dreams and chasing them is quite exciting as well. and sleeping alone isn't all that bad, you can actually get rest, and uhh not do other things you might do when you are sharing a bed


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## thunderstruck

ne9907 said:


> I have been told I look Pilipino
> 
> Do you see that in my avatar?


That would be my guess from your avatar.


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## Jellybeans

Soveryalone said:


> quote from Ne9907 -" I honestly cannot wait for the time when I have the desire to date, even if they are crummy dates"


Be careful what you wish for. HAHAHA.


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## Soveryalone

haha jellybeans, no kidding  I would rather be single for eternity than to experience the awkwardness and futility of "crummy dates" but I agree lol careful whatya ask for NE9907, you very well just might get it


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## thunderstruck

Soveryalone said:


> I would rather be single for eternity than to experience the awkwardness and futility of "crummy dates"


But...it does make for some funny azz posts here, so you guys need to get moving on this..


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## Jellybeans

LOL funny, Thunder. Glad we can entertain you.


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## badcompany

Soveryalone said:


> and sleeping alone isn't all that bad, you can actually get rest, and uhh not do other things you might do when you are sharing a bed



Pfftttt, plenty of time to sleep when we're dead


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## Soveryalone

if you are going on a blind date or an iffy date that might turn out badly , make sure to have an exit strategy, for example have a friend call you mid date, and if you use a code word ( sassafras works) and if you use said code word ( good luck using the one I suggested in an average friendly phone call) your friend can give you a way out... when you get off the phone make sure you go all out, don't use the typical line " aww my cat got out of the house and I need to go home " , try something like " I am so sorry to have to leave but an enormous sinkhole swallowed 90% of my house", this is so outrageous, your boring date will more than likely believe it. ( its not polite or kind to exit on a date but in some cases I totally get it)


----------



## Jellybeans

Soveryalone said:


> if you are going on a blind date or an iffy date that might turn out badly , make sure to have an exit strategy, for example have a friend call you mid date, and if you use a code word ( sassafras works) and if you use said code word ( good luck using the one I suggested in an average friendly phone call) your friend can give you a way out... when you get off the phone make sure you go all out, don't use the typical line " aww my cat got out of the house and I need to go home " , try something like " I am so sorry to have to leave but an enormous sinkhole swallowed 90% of my house", this is so outrageous, your boring date will more than likely believe it. ( its not polite or kind to exit on a date but in some cases I totally get it)


Love the sinkhole idea! Crazy! But alas, I never have an exit strategy. I AM the exit strategy. If I am not feeling someone I just tell them, _"You know what... this isn't really happening for me. Thanks for your time though. Wish you well._" And leave. I believe in being straight up with people.


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## 3Xnocharm

Jellybeans said:


> Love the sinkhole idea! Crazy! But alas, I never have an exit strategy. I AM the exit strategy. If I am not feeling someone I just tell them, _"You know what... this isn't really happening for me. Thanks for your time though. Wish you well._" And leave. I believe in being straight up with people.


See, I would at least just finish out the date. At an accelerated pace! For me to bail out on someone like that, the date would have to be something really AWFUL!


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## Jellybeans

LOL. True. But I would still be honest. No leading people on or pulling a disappearing act.


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## badcompany

"Grandma is watching the kids, they are a handful and she's old, so I can't stay out very late".


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## ne9907

Soveryalone said:


> if you are going on a blind date or an iffy date that might turn out badly , make sure to have an exit strategy, for example have a friend call you mid date, and if you use a code word ( sassafras works) and if you use said code word ( good luck using the one I suggested in an average friendly phone call) your friend can give you a way out... when you get off the phone make sure you go all out, don't use the typical line " aww my cat got out of the house and I need to go home " , try something like " I am so sorry to have to leave but an enormous sinkhole swallowed 90% of my house", this is so outrageous, your boring date will more than likely believe it. ( its not polite or kind to exit on a date but in some cases I totally get it)


:rofl::rofl::rofl: seriously!

How about 
"The alien federation from the Andromeda galaxy just landed on my front porch. I must go. I am the only one who can prevent intergalactic warfare!"


----------



## whitehawk

Soveryalone said:


> thanks for the support 2galsmom, I am a huge believer in all forms of equality however I think men and women are very different when it comes to reconnecting with old friends / making new friends. most male friendships are extremely superficial , meaning us guys talk about sports maybe music and a few other topics but in terms of depth of a friendship I think women are far more likely to achieve this than men are.
> I was raised by a single mom, and she taught me to be very much in touch with my emotional side, and to be expressive and to deal with issues head on when they arise ( in terms of plutonic/ romantic relationships) so I am a bit of an anomaly. I have one male friend I can talk to in depth however I tend to open up and get along much better with female friends. female friends are terrific however at times the lines get very blurry, and what was once plutonic friendship quickly evolves on one side or the other. in any case thanks for the reply


l've always loved female friends too. Like l've had male friends and although l sure don't get a long with just every bloke l do get along with some really well.
But l've always got along with some female friends really well to , thing is though l often wonder how healthy it is.
Like for a start , a guy need to hear blokey sides to things , females to but l started thinking all female and it's not good.
The other thing is , it always one way or another , got complicated from their side.
Thing is , if l was interested l wouldn't just be friends .
Don't think l've ever hung out with one in hope though myself.
There was one l knew for a long time as friends that l was always trying to make my mind up about. 
Every time l thought hmm , l want us together , l just couldn't quite get mt feeling there.


----------



## Pbartender

2galsmom said:


> "I'M GIVIN' HER ALL SHE'S GOT, CAPTAIN!"


That's not something you want anyone hearing you say from inside a public bathroom... Trust me on this.


----------



## whitehawk

You know how l said l think l can feel something . l've realized this last few days l am definitely feeling something.

And then , it accrued to me that it might even actually be R but l sure wouldn't put money on that one right now . l can feel something though . Not saying it's tomorrow , took 6mths before my W showed up last time l felt this so it might be awhile but l'm happy to report, something is definitely brewing


----------



## Jellybeans

ne9907 said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl: seriously!
> 
> How about
> *"The alien federation from the Andromeda galaxy just landed on my front porch. I must go. I am the only one who can prevent intergalactic warfare!*"


I love this sooo much.


----------



## Clawed

Soveryalone said:


> haha jellybeans, no kidding  I would rather be single for eternity than to experience the awkwardness and futility of "crummy dates" but I agree lol careful whatya ask for NE9907, you very well just might get it


Haha, "crummy dates" are actually a lot of fun - that might be the meds speaking - but I honestly look at it as a form of entertainment. A very recent first date was a trainwreck, but I found myself feeding into the craziness of where the conversation was headed, you know, kind of egging them on for more information about their bizarre personal life.

So, I say, unless they are just insanely creepy - have some fun with it!


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## whitehawk

That was always my idea to but my knack of finding the complicated always stepped in 
Like even say you don't really wanna pash them , within by far day or two , they expect a pash at least , so what do you do.
A week or two max , if not within a day or two , an hr or two, they expect you to be trying to jump their bones , so what do ya do? They notice these things or the lack of straight away so it starts getting awkward the second you realize .
Next minute they're asking stuff or thinking it , either way !


----------



## outNabout

@clawed 


> I actually was much better off without anyone and not having to worry about this crap. Maybe I was MEANT to be alone?


Maybe this has already been covered before in the thread? But...

What makes you NEED or WANT to be with anyone (for now). Maybe you should take some time to face that fear head on. Sometimes you see a hero in a movie being told by his wise father that the only way to survive is face your fear straight on. 

Maybe wasting time with a low quality woman is your way of avoiding facing your fear. 

But let's look at that fear head on. Are you anxious that you will be alone for the rest of your life? Or is it that you feel you can't have time alone for right now, or the next 12 months? 

And is it the need for physical contact thats the main thing you're after or would it be enough to simply enjoy some spare time spend meeting some new people at a gathering of some kind?

Sometimes when I'm bothered about being alone, I find if I just relax about it, the time goes by really quickly and then before I know it I'm surrounded by people the next day at work, wishing I could have some quiet time away from it all. It's like the "grass is always greener". 

And yes wouldn't it be awesome to enjoy the sensation of a hot woman who's passionately all over me... but the reality is I know there's a catch. Someone somewhere is already tired of her bull****. Maybe some restful time being single isn't so bad.


But I'm only dealing with a wife who's walked out two weeks ago, so what do I know...


----------



## Another Planet

outNabout said:


> @clawed
> 
> 
> 
> And yes wouldn't it be awesome to enjoy the sensation of a hot woman who's passionately all over me... but the reality is I know there's a catch. *Someone somewhere is already tired of her bull****.* Maybe some restful time being single isn't so bad.


Made me LOL


----------



## Clawed

outNabout said:


> @clawed
> 
> Maybe this has already been covered before in the thread? But...
> 
> What makes you NEED or WANT to be with anyone (for now). Maybe you should take some time to face that fear head on. Sometimes you see a hero in a movie being told by his wise father that the only way to survive is face your fear straight on.
> 
> Maybe wasting time with a low quality woman is your way of avoiding facing your fear.
> 
> But let's look at that fear head on. Are you anxious that you will be alone for the rest of your life? Or is it that you feel you can't have time alone for right now, or the next 12 months?
> 
> And is it the need for physical contact thats the main thing you're after or would it be enough to simply enjoy some spare time spend meeting some new people at a gathering of some kind?
> 
> Sometimes when I'm bothered about being alone, I find if I just relax about it, the time goes by really quickly and then before I know it I'm surrounded by people the next day at work, wishing I could have some quiet time away from it all. It's like the "grass is always greener".
> 
> And yes wouldn't it be awesome to enjoy the sensation of a hot woman who's passionately all over me... but the reality is I know there's a catch. Someone somewhere is already tired of her bull****. Maybe some restful time being single isn't so bad.
> 
> 
> But I'm only dealing with a wife who's walked out two weeks ago, so what do I know...


That is actually a very good question. There is no _need_ to be with someone, it's actually a want for me. My ex-wife moved out in April, during the time I was hospitalized. It was devastating. The amazing this is, I thought I would never recover, but I have worked tirelessly to be stronger without her. The last four months of my life have been amazing. I have managed to start some new hobbies, make some friendly connections, get myself in shape and simply be okay and happy alone.

I feel it's about that time where I allow someone to share in this wonderful new life with me. It's not so much about the physical contact as it is having someone to hang out with, doing things that friends do. I'm sure some might say I just need to make some good friends then, but there is something about having that kind of connection with the opposite sex that appeals to me. Honestly, I don't even care to have male friends. That doesn't appeal to me. The problem is, it can become complicated, which is precisely what happened with my "girlfriend." It's like we are friends, but a little more than that, so it's confusing. The fact that I am in the midst of sexual drought does not make things any easier, but I do not let that dictate my decisions regarding my current relationship.

I guess the fear is that no one will ever care or show me affection like my wife once did. When I think about it though, my "girlfriend" doesn't at all anyway. So, it's not really a fear as much as it is a desire to feel wanted again. I am ready for that. Never been moreso. I want people to see what I am capable of and the amount of compassion I have for others that invest themselves in me. I have a lot of love to give - but if I did have to quantify a specific fear I have - it's that I am scared of people not looking past my exterior to find all of those things that make me a lovable and worthwhile person.


----------



## ne9907

Clawed said:


> I guess the fear is that no one will ever care or show me affection like my wife once did. When I think about it though, my "girlfriend" doesn't at all anyway. So, it's not really a fear as much as it is a desire to feel wanted again. I am ready for that. Never been moreso. I want people to see what I am capable of and the amount of compassion I have for others that invest themselves in me. I have a lot of love to give - but if I did have to quantify a specific fear I have - it's that I am scared of people not looking past my exterior to find all of those things that make me a lovable and worthwhile person.


You are worthwhile, you know it, and soon a woman will know it too.
What if you do find the attention you want from a woman but you find that you do not want her?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

For me, I don't want to leave this planet/plane of existence without experiencing real love and passion. I married too young and was more starry-eyed than in love and then I stuck it out because I committed but then the abuse was too much and I knew I had to leave.

I was very close to love with BF of last year but looking back maybe I just really liked the idea of love and I really enjoyed his company, lifestyle, etc as for the most part it was good match (i.e. loved to entertain, travel, etc.). Or it could be that he's the only guy in a long time with whom I experienced an orgasm haha. Gotta love the chemical side of love.

I feel I deserve to WANT to kiss someone - to be drawn to them. To WANT to be with them all of the time and to feel cherished, protected and loved. 

This is something I feel I have missed the mark on all of my life and here I am, 45 and never been loved in the truest sense. I'm not looking for prince charming or the picket fence. I'm realistic about who I am and what I'm looking for but I just cannot accept that this is all I will have emotionally. It's OK. I'm relatively happy but I want that CONNECTION with someone. There are some things we shouldn't leave this world without doing like watch a sunrise and I feel one of those things is to love and be loved. I don't want to never know that.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Gee, that sounds really depressing! LOL I don't feel depressed about it - I just want to keep looking is all.


----------



## Another Planet

Enjoli How do you know what love is if you haven't been in love before?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Another Planet said:


> Enjoli How do you know what love is if you haven't been in love before?


How does anyone know until they've experienced it? I certainly love my parents, sister, daughter... I have friends I love. To quote Forrest Gump "I know what love is". I just haven't had it with a romantic partner.


----------



## thunderstruck

EnjoliWoman said:


> Gee, that sounds really depressing! LOL I don't feel depressed about it - I just want to keep looking is all.


Not depressing. I can relate to some of that, so I'm glad you wrote it. 

Keep looking...you'll find a great guy soon.:toast:


----------



## ne9907

EnjoliWoman said:


> For me, I don't want to leave this planet/plane of existence without experiencing real love and passion. I married too young and was more starry-eyed than in love and then I stuck it out because I committed but then the abuse was too much and I knew I had to leave.
> 
> I was very close to love with BF of last year but looking back maybe I just really liked the idea of love and I really enjoyed his company, lifestyle, etc as for the most part it was good match (i.e. loved to entertain, travel, etc.). Or it could be that he's the only guy in a long time with whom I experienced an orgasm haha. Gotta love the chemical side of love.
> 
> I feel I deserve to WANT to kiss someone - to be drawn to them. To WANT to be with them all of the time and to feel cherished, protected and loved.
> 
> This is something I feel I have missed the mark on all of my life and here I am, 45 and never been loved in the truest sense. I'm not looking for prince charming or the picket fence. I'm realistic about who I am and what I'm looking for but I just cannot accept that this is all I will have emotionally. It's OK. I'm relatively happy but I want that CONNECTION with someone. There are some things we shouldn't leave this world without doing like watch a sunrise and I feel one of those things is to love and be loved. I don't want to never know that.


I have been deeply, madly, truly (haha) in love before. Like the stuff from legends, I hope I never forget the feeling.
ONe day, you will find this kind of love Enjoli~


----------



## Clawed

ne9907 said:


> You are worthwhile, you know it, and soon a woman will know it too.
> What if you do find the attention you want from a woman but you find that you do not want her?


 I certainly hope so, thanks for the encouragement!

I'm not sure what you are asking though. Are you asking- what if someone is into me but the feelings aren't mutual? Well, I'd like to think that I would give anyone a fair chance. I believe that there are some amazingly wonderful people out there and if I ever shot them down based on one factor like looks alone, then I am no better than that which I fear. But I know appearance means a lot... however, I recently expereinced a friendship (to someone I wasn't at all attracted to), that has potential to be more because when you are around somone who has so many other attractive qualities - it's hard to ignore.


----------



## ne9907

Clawed said:


> I certainly hope so, thanks for the encouragement!
> 
> I'm not sure what you are asking though. Are you asking- what if someone is into me but the feelings aren't mutual? Well, I'd like to think that I would give anyone a fair chance. I believe that there are some amazingly wonderful people out there and if I ever shot them down based on one factor like looks alone, then I am no better than that which I fear. But I know appearance means a lot... however, I recently expereinced a friendship (to someone I wasn't at all attracted to), that has potential to be more because when you are around somone who has so many other attractive qualities - it's hard to ignore.


I am vague...
But you got it!! Exactly what I asked, no less!
For me, I ve had men hit on me, just this past weekend a man asked me for coffee and dinner. I quickly shot him down. I am not interested yet, but I have been thinking what if when I am ready to date, I find all men who ask me out unattractive?
I would like to think that I will not lead them on.


----------



## Clawed

ne9907 said:


> I am vague...
> But you got it!! Exactly what I asked, no less!
> For me, I ve had men hit on me, just this past weekend a man asked me for coffee and dinner. I quickly shot him down. I am not interested yet, but I have been thinking what if when I am ready to date, I find all men who ask me out unattractive?
> I would like to think that I will not lead them on.


I tend to think women can be a bit more selective as far as choosing an attractive partner. Personally, I have been trying to select individuals that I even have a remote attraction to and I give them a chance. If they have an ugly personality, that is when I shut them down, except for the original case that I posted here about, oddly enough, and like I said repeatedly, it's probably because we have a lot of fun together.

I think in your case, you will be able to find someone you find attractive. But I think the lesson here is that *if you are as attractive personality-wise as you are exterior-ly, you will exponentially increase your chances!*


----------



## Clawed

So this weekend, I have dates with two different women - the one from the original post, and a new girl, who makes the former seem like actual poison 

It's going to be interesting to see just how different these two dates go. The new girl is really sweet and we have so much in common (including a divorce with kids). Plus, she is actually my age. The former is 8 years my junior and as I have said, is so incredibly bad for me. Now we will get a chance to see just how NICE a date with a non-crazy can be. I couldn't be more excited! Hopefully, I don't royally screw it up. And if it goes well, it's goodbye to the former, immediately! Because then I'll know I can do far better.

Now I just have to plan a nice evening with new girl


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Clawed said:


> So this weekend, I have dates with two different women - the one from the original post, and a new girl, who makes the former seem like actual poison
> 
> It's going to be interesting to see just how different these two dates go. The new girl is really sweet and we have so much in common (including a divorce with kids). Plus, she is actually my age. The former is 8 years my junior and as I have said, is so incredibly bad for me. Now we will get a chance to see just how NICE a date with a non-crazy can be. I couldn't be more excited! Hopefully, I don't royally screw it up. And if it goes well, it's goodbye to the former, immediately! Because then I'll know I can do far better.
> 
> Now I just have to plan a nice evening with new girl


Why would you continue to date a crazy? :scratchhead:


----------



## Clawed

3Xnocharm said:


> Why would you continue to date a crazy? :scratchhead:


Simple - it's kind of fun in a twisted way. I was with "safe" for 15 years so this really keeps me on my toes. But honestly, it's just nice to share life with someone. She has major issues to be sure, but for the most part, I have not gotten tangled up in them. On the other hand, it's only a matter of time and that is what I am worried about.

And hey, some of us don't have women beating down our doors and some of us are a little shy and have a hard time meeting women - in general. I was fine being alone, but I love the company.


----------



## just got it 55

Clawed said:


> Okay, so I am official - single for the first time after a 15 and a half year relationship. I'm now 33 and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit I have never dated anyone but my ex. But then, I was 17 and I just kind of stumbled upon her online (who remembers AOL chatrooms?).
> 
> Honestly, I was doing pretty good on my own, you know - simply coping with the collapse of my marriage. I have been really happy, all things considered. It's been nice developing some new interests and connecting with my 7-year old son in a much more meaningful way.
> 
> However, I want to start trying again - although it feels like the first time. I have to say, I'm terrified. I'm coming out of a marriage in which my ex made me feel like crap about myself. To maintain a decent level of confidence I've been hitting the gym ever since my split, maybe 5 months now. I'm still pretty slender though and I know there are better looking guys out there so I don't even know where to start. I have trouble meeting people at 'normal' places, and even a couple of Meetup Groups I'm part of. I have a couple of dating apps which are terrible, btw. Not only does no one want to chat in any meaningful way, but the types of people you meet there, not the kind I want to be seeing. I even stooped so far as to post on Craigslist (for platonic friends though), I actually had a couple of responses there and I met a couple of women, one of which I kind of started dating. She is horrible for me, in every way imaginable, and I know that, but because she is paying me at least a little bit of attention, I am still around. She is the exact opposite of my ex, maybe that's why there is some attraction? Either way, she describes us as being 'in limbo' and she talks frequently about her ex and a couple of other guys that are pursuing her... I loathe myslf for not running from this woman.
> 
> Ugh, I actually was much better off without anyone and not having to worry about this crap. Maybe I was MEANT to be alone? Any suggestions for a clueless guy like myself if I want to find a decent woman (outside of stop posting on CL and using apps)? I feel like I have to settle... even though I am a really good guy - loyal, trustworthy, compassionate and treats women extremely well. I just feel like I can't get past the physical attraction stage (meaning, I'm just worried there is no one attracted enough to me to want to give me a shot - I'm scared of rejection, like anyone else).


Dude you are 33 for crissakes

Take your time you are giving up and you haven't even started

Fail More ........ Fear Less


----------



## Clawed

just got it 55 said:


> Dude you are 33 for crissakes
> 
> Take your time you are giving up and you haven't even started
> 
> Fail More ........ Fear Less


You are 100% right! I am terrified of failure. Not surprisingly, much less so now that I am through the D - which was one big, disastrous, 15 year fail. It's hard to top that 

The thing is, I'm not used to failing, I married my first GF for crying out loud. I've almost never been shot down.


----------



## just got it 55

I was at a tradeshow a number of years back. There on a pedestal was Miss Iceland.

A large group of men were standing around in awe making goo-goo eyes at her.

I calmly walked up to her put my finger on her shoulder. She looked down and I gave her a wink and flipped it off her nose.

She smiled and I turned around to the group and said

See fellas She is just a girl 

That’s the attitude you need


----------



## Clawed

just got it 55 said:


> I was at a tradeshow a number of years back. There on a pedestal was Miss Iceland.
> 
> A large group of men were standing around in awe making goo-goo eyes at her.
> 
> I calmly walked up to her put my finger on her shoulder. She looked down and I gave her a wink and flipped it off her nose.
> 
> She smiled and I turned around to the group and said
> 
> See fellas She is just a girl
> 
> That’s the attitude you need


That brings up a good point. It's so crazy to me that there are guys that actually WANT that type of woman. You know, the one that EVERY OTHER GUY IN EXISTENCE WANTS! And it's only based on appearance. I hate that freakin' crap. It shows what a bunch of shallow idiots we really are. 

To be honest, my above statement was actually incorrect, because *I* don't want them. I want a regular girl, one with a good heart that treats me like I'm the only guy in the world that matters. My ex was stunningly beautiful and there is no doubt in my mind she would get hit on constantly. Thankfully, she worked 3rd shift with a bunch of other women, but in the end, she did cheat... I'm not saying that the odds are higher for beautiful women, but let's face it, they receive much more attention. I'd rather find a diamond in the rough, maybe a bit cute, gotta be at least some attraction, but has an absolute heart of gold. There ARE women out there like that, and there aren't a bunch of other guys constantly around her drooling over her - even though she is the MUCH better prize.


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## angelpixie

Let's hear it for the Plain Janes! :smthumbup:


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## Clawed

angelpixie said:


> Let's hear it for the Plain Janes! :smthumbup:


Yes! Nothing wrong with being "plain." Besides, odds are someone finds even the plain Jane's attractive. It's just a lot less likely that they think they are God's gift to men, which is the biggest turn off in existence!


----------



## badcompany

Heck nothing wrong at all, Plain is my favorite type


----------



## Pbartender

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the Plain...


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## angelpixie

¿qué?


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## Clawed

Oooo, I have an update on crazy gf from the original post (and that I have been mentioning in some of this thread). She finally directed her crazy at me on Monday, which was supposed to be kind of a special date night *wink* yeah...

So I message her during the day and she is complaining about feeling like crap and she doesn't know if she wants to get together. And then I have a bad day at work because I lock my car and house keys in the time secured cash vault at my bank so I am S.O.L. and she called me during my frantic search, and accused me of blatantly ignoring her calls. She got so mad at me and did not even offer to give me a ride or anything even though she lives 3 mins away with a vehicle!

I got a ride home and went to bed, but the next day for some stupid reason, I try to smooth things over, and then she lets me have it again even after apologized (even though I certainly did not have a reason to). She went crazy texting me and saying some pretty crappy things... I took the abuse and finally just said "I'm sorry something this trivial is the reason we can no longer be together. Good luck to you." And that was that (so glad the sexy date night with her did NOT work out - I don't think I'd be able to clean that dirty feeling for months!).

It sucked but I messaged the other girl I was chatting with and asked her out for Sunday and she said yes - girl is sweet as can be / super cute and is coming out of a divorce herself with kids. No pressure, should be fun. Compared to psychotic former gf, she is a Godsend!


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## Clawed

2galsmom said:


> How did you get back into your house with no keys?


Haha, well, that was a minor detail but I have a roommate. Thankfully, he was home at the time.


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## 3Xnocharm

I am getting worn out from this dating stuff. So tired of having first dates that end up being ONLY first dates, with no click, no connection. Going to take a break soon!


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## Jellybeans

How many first dates have you been on 3x?

Here's an different issue: What if you keep going out with the same person, you feel a connection, but it's moving as slow as molasses. Would you keep hanging with the same person if you aren't sure they're interested? Or rather, do you go out with someone (keep going out with someone) if not interested?

I realize that sounds like a puzzle.


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## Soveryalone

Jellybeans, I think no matter how quickly or slowly a relationship is developing is rather a mute point if there is a connection and both people ARE interested, finding a connection these days seems pretty much impossible so forgetting about the pace for a moment, if there is a connection why not go with the flow? and as far as continuing to date someone when there is a lack of interest on either side, why waste time, on to the next one, no ?

Me personally I am nearly 8 months out of a 12 year relationship which was essentially a marriage (not legally speaking but in every other sense of the word), I have met women here and there and connected with a few, but here I am as of today Jan 7, 2014, not dating, not really wanting to date. completely and totally single and of course some days are lonely, some nights as well, and of course to this day I still think of my Ex often, however its much different than it was after 2 months, 3 months , 4 etc etc, but I think I have just reached the point where I am alone, not looking and starting to feel ok about that. My family was asking me if I was seeing anyone and I just shrugged them off, and said, nope, not really wanting to, I guess if it happens it happens, ya know? maybe I will meet her next week, or next month or next year, all I know is I haven't met her yet  and if I don't ever get involved again, oh well, I have experienced love and all of its intricacies and madness, some people live a lifetime without ever knowing true love, and I honestly feel as though I have  anyways I think if people are struggling with dating and or forming connections, it may just mean they are just needing more time alone, just my 2 cents on the matter


----------



## Hardtohandle

I'm dating but I'm at the point I just might be done.. I just think everyone is too fvcked up ( including myself ) past a certain age..


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## 3Xnocharm

Hardtohandle said:


> I'm dating but I'm at the point I just might be done.. I just think everyone is too fvcked up ( including myself ) past a certain age..


I am not finding that people are fvcked up. I am just not finding someone that I connect with beyond a good conversation. I went out with a guy this past Sat that I felt a good connection with through our communication. We had a lot of fun, we had a few beers and shot pool, but if I dont have the urge to reach out and touch someone, I know its just not there for me.


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## Deejo

Jellybeans said:


> How many first dates have you been on 3x?
> 
> Here's an different issue: What if you keep going out with the same person, you feel a connection, but it's moving as slow as molasses. Would you keep hanging with the same person if you aren't sure they're interested? Or rather, do you go out with someone (keep going out with someone) if not interested?
> 
> I realize that sounds like a puzzle.


Need more info. Who's making it go slow, you or him?


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## 3Xnocharm

Jellybeans said:


> *How many first dates have you been on 3x?*
> 
> Here's an different issue: What if you keep going out with the same person, you feel a connection, but it's moving as slow as molasses. Would you keep hanging with the same person if you aren't sure they're interested? Or rather, do you go out with someone (keep going out with someone) if not interested?
> 
> I realize that sounds like a puzzle.


Lost count...probably 10 or so.


----------



## Clawed

Soveryalone said:


> Jellybeans, I think no matter how quickly or slowly a relationship is developing is rather a mute point if there is a connection and both people ARE interested, finding a connection these days seems pretty much impossible so forgetting about the pace for a moment, if there is a connection why not go with the flow? and as far as continuing to date someone when there is a lack of interest on either side, why waste time, on to the next one, no ?
> 
> Me personally I am nearly 8 months out of a 12 year relationship which was essentially a marriage (not legally speaking but in every other sense of the word), I have met women here and there and connected with a few, but here I am as of today Jan 7, 2014, not dating, not really wanting to date. completely and totally single and of course some days are lonely, some nights as well, and of course to this day I still think of my Ex often, however its much different than it was after 2 months, 3 months , 4 etc etc, but I think I have just reached the point where I am alone, not looking and starting to feel ok about that. My family was asking me if I was seeing anyone and I just shrugged them off, and said, nope, not really wanting to, I guess if it happens it happens, ya know? maybe I will meet her next week, or next month or next year, all I know is I haven't met her yet  and if I don't ever get involved again, oh well, I have experienced love and all of its intricacies and madness, some people live a lifetime without ever knowing true love, and I honestly feel as though I have  anyways I think if people are struggling with dating and or forming connections, it may just mean they are just needing more time alone, just my 2 cents on the matter


I could have written the same thing, so thank you for saving me the time! I have been out of my marriage for roughly the same time and like you, had a couple of connections, but right now - now that I am not in any kind of relationship - it's actually kinda nice. Let's put it this way - *It's drama free*! I just feel like it's a simplification of my life, and honestly, that is what I need right now. I can concentrate on being a good dad, work and if I play my cards right, get my business going like I have always wanted.

Feel the same way in response to JBs question about pace. The only thing I can add is that it's okay to communicate your feelings if the relationship is not moving in the direction you might desire or not moving at all. In fact, although there is a possibility it could create some friction, I think it's healthy to have that conversation sooner than later. That reminds me of my favorite movie (500) Days of Summer... the two main characters don't 'define' their relationship in the same way and don't even have the same beliefs about love, in general. It's good to keep an open dialogue about those things.


----------



## TheGoodGuy

3Xnocharm said:


> We had a lot of fun, we had a few beers and shot pool, but if I dont have the urge to reach out and touch someone, I know its just not there for me.


3X, can you enlighten someone who was on the flip side of this? How did you cut it off with this one? On a date a few months ago, I desired to touch her and did (held her hand for a while during a movie) and afterward it was clear she wasn't into me. OK, but instead of cutting it off with me, she asked me out again and then ended up standing me up for the date, and I haven't heard from her since. 

How did you handle this one you had fun with but weren't feeling it? Have you cut it off?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TheGoodGuy said:


> 3X, can you enlighten someone who was on the flip side of this? How did you cut it off with this one? On a date a few months ago, I desired to touch her and did (held her hand for a while during a movie) and afterward it was clear she wasn't into me. OK, but instead of cutting it off with me, she asked me out again and then ended up standing me up for the date, and I haven't heard from her since.
> 
> How did you handle this one you had fun with but weren't feeling it? Have you cut it off?


I'm sorry she did that, that was rotten. 

I really havent cut it off with this guy, we have texted only a couple of times since we went out. I am guessing that he didnt really feel it either. I was not opposed to going out with him a second time, just to feel it out a little more, but I dont think that will be an issue. Usually I just stop contacting. That probably is not the "proper" way to do things, but so far it has worked for me, no one has come back at me all butthurt or anything, which tells me they felt the same way. 

A little advice? Maybe next time you feel like reaching out to touch, just do subtle, like brief touches on the arm or the back. Holding someone's hand requires them to reciprocate, and if they arent feeling it, that makes it awkward for them. Make sense?


----------



## TheGoodGuy

3Xnocharm said:


> I'm sorry she did that, that was rotten.
> 
> I really havent cut it off with this guy, we have texted only a couple of times since we went out. I am guessing that he didnt really feel it either. I was not opposed to going out with him a second time, just to feel it out a little more, but I dont think that will be an issue. Usually I just stop contacting. That probably is not the "proper" way to do things, but so far it has worked for me, no one has come back at me all butthurt or anything, which tells me they felt the same way.
> 
> A little advice? Maybe next time you feel like reaching out to touch, just do subtle, like brief touches on the arm or the back. Holding someone's hand requires them to reciprocate, and if they arent feeling it, that makes it awkward for them. Make sense?


Makes perfect sense. I thought it was right at the time on date 5 or 6 (first movie though) after plenty of brief touches and hugs on the previous dates. Wasn't the right timing for her I guess, or I should have picked up on other signs beforehand that she was wishing washy. Lesson learned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

OH! Im sorry, I misunderstood! I thought that was your first date! Then you holding hands was perfectly in line!


----------



## TheGoodGuy

3Xnocharm said:


> OH! Im sorry, I misunderstood! I thought that was your first date! Then you holding hands was perfectly in line!


No problem, I should have been more clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Well, I have said it before, that 5 or 6 dates in my world means serious interest. I mean, why so many dates if she wasnt feeling things?


----------



## Jellybeans

TheGoodGuy said:


> 3X, can you enlighten someone who was on the flip side of this? How did you cut it off with this one? On a date a few months ago, I desired to touch her and did (held her hand for a while during a movie) and afterward it was clear she wasn't into me. OK, but instead of cutting it off with me, she asked me out again and then ended up standing me up for the date, and I haven't heard from her since.
> 
> How did you handle this one you had fun with but weren't feeling it? Have you cut it off?


It could be that she wasn't sure how she felt about your and/or wasn't comfy with you touching her at that time.

The act that she asked you out again shows some interest at least. But then if she stood you up and didn't make other plans, I am guessing there wasn't enough interest to go out with you again.

Could be a timing thing or she's not interested).

Me, personally, if I am not feeling someone, I just tell them. Because I value being really clear with people. This one guy and I had been out twice and then h started flaking a little to the point where it turned me off. My interest in him wasn't super major but I enjoyed the time we did spend together but when he started acting flakey, any interest I had in him depleted. So when he reached out to me again saying how badly he wanted to see me/missed me, etc, I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea because I didn't feel we were a good match. He asked why and I told him it was because of the times he'd flaked and how I just prefer honesty from people instead of when people say they will do things and then they don't. He said he understood but he still hits me up. I told him we could be friends but that I was not going to pretend like we could be anything else because I am not into it. 

I think it's better to be honest with people.


----------



## TheGoodGuy

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, I have said it before, that 5 or 6 dates in my world means serious interest. I mean, why so many dates if she wasnt feeling things?


Like I said, she was wishu washy, hot and then cold, along with me being a little naive about dating. I'm convinced I was a "toy" for her to play with when she was bored and or wanted a meal payed for. She would flirt and touch just enough to keep my interest high enough, then go cold for a while. I gave up after a twice rescheduled date, contact then no contact, and that last time being stood up. Wasn't worth any more of my effort or continuing to pay for dates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheGoodGuy

Jellybeans said:


> Me, personally, if I am not feeling someone, I just tell them. Because I value being really clear with people. This one guy and I had been out twice and then h started flaking a little to the point where it turned me off. My interest in him wasn't super major but I enjoyed the time we did spend together but when he started acting flakey, any interest I had in him depleted. So when he reached out to me again saying how badly he wanted to see me/missed me, etc, I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea because I didn't feel we were a good match. He asked why and I told him it was because of the times he'd flaked and how I just prefer honesty from people instead of when people say they will do things and then they don't. He said he understood but he still hits me up. I told him we could be friends but that I was not going to pretend like we could be anything else because I am not into it.
> 
> I think it's better to be honest with people.


Sounds very similar and I would have much preferred this from her as well. She hasn't hit me up again yet, but when/if she does I will respectfully give her the not a good match speech.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

TheGoodGuy said:


> Sounds very similar and I would have much preferred this from her as well. She hasn't hit me up again yet, b*ut when/if she does I will respectfully give her the not a good match speech.*


Good idea


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Jellybeans said:


> Good idea


:iagree:


----------



## Deejo

*Re: Re: Dating - or should I saying TRYING to date is horrible!*



Jellybeans said:


> My interest in him wasn't super major but I enjoyed the time we did spend together but when he started acting flakey, any interest I had in him depleted. So when he reached out to me again saying how badly he wanted to see me/missed me, etc, I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea because I didn't feel we were a good match. He asked why and I told him it was because of the times he'd flaked and how I just prefer honesty from people instead of when people say they will do things and then they don't. He said he understood but he still hits me up. I told him we could be friends but that I was not going to pretend like we could be anything else because I am not into it.
> 
> I think it's better to be honest with people.


Heartbreaker ...


----------



## whitehawk

Clawed said:


> I could have written the same thing, so thank you for saving me the time! I have been out of my marriage for roughly the same time and like you, had a couple of connections, but right now - now that I am not in any kind of relationship - it's actually kinda nice. Let's put it this way - *It's drama free*! I just feel like it's a simplification of my life, and honestly, that is what I need right now. I can concentrate on being a good dad, work and if I play my cards right, get my business going like I have always wanted.
> 
> Feel the same way in response to JBs question about pace. The only thing I can add is that it's okay to communicate your feelings if the relationship is not moving in the direction you might desire or not moving at all. In fact, although there is a possibility it could create some friction, I think it's healthy to have that conversation sooner than later. That reminds me of my favorite movie (500) Days of Summer... the two main characters don't 'define' their relationship in the same way and don't even have the same beliefs about love, in general. It's good to keep an open dialogue about those things.



IMO , 8mths out is just stupid to be even bothering but hey maybe that's just me.But l reckon 12mths at least myself after a marriage break up. l mean it's probably the biggest most painful and confusing roller coaster sh!t you'll ever go through - how the hell can 8mths sort that out.
l even compare it to losing both parents in the 3 yrs before my marriage busted up and l tell you , losing the parents was hardly a ripple compared .

And then there's freedom , you gotta have a bit of that stuff first l reckon.
Hell l spent 18yrs trying to be married , then go through all this , fk me l just wanna do my thing for awhile before l go worrying about someone else again.
l dunno if that's a good way to go for most or not but l know l need too.
Then there are sooooo many feelings and views , new ones old ones , ideals , blown to smithereens . Hell l feel like this reshuffle will take the rest of my days right now alone .
And then , datings not as simple as just going out with a friend , it's not like that. lt gets confusing , emotional , can be hurtful , feelings can run wild and very fkg depressing when it keeps not working out . 
Damn big ask on an only 8mths out fkd up head .

So l dunno and then , even with the one girl l was involved with since , 8mths later and l still think about her , it , sh!t, hell l have sooo much to deal with already and the marriage break up itself, l mean who fkg needs it you know. Seems suicidal right now to ask for even more crap.
Maybe later , maybe somethone special pops up , l dunno , that's how it use to work for me. Dunno if that lucks still with me though after all this and 18yrs.

Apart from feeling like l'm missing out and going to waste right now though hell , l still couldn't really give a toss as yet.
lt fires up when it fires for me right now -whatever ! Although if l really think about future maybe love , it does scare the living hell out of me , so does maybe never having someone else and growing old alone.

See , l'm still fkd up , l rest my case !


----------



## somethingelse

Clawed said:


> Okay, and that's fine, but the question is nearly the same then - how would you make new friends if you were a fairly shy and had a bit of trouble knowing where to go and how to approach new people? I guess, that is what I have been driving at.
> 
> And why is it that people can treat each other like garbage even here, under the guise of 'helping.' It's not enough to say I'm not ready and give me your reasons? Was the last comment necessary?


I always say, the right person will come along when you least expect it. Concentrate on yourself for now. Go to the GYM and do things you like to do. Get out more often. 

You learn how to interact with people and make friends once you take a leap of faith in getting to know people you meet on the bus or out shopping even. Just make little chit chat if someone initiates a question. It takes time to break out of that shell. I have had the same issue as you with being quiet or shying away from conversations or people. 

Have you ever thought of volunteering for something? If you go to church, are there groups for singles? There are lots of ways to meet decent women if you are in the places you like to be. But at the same time, do these things for YOU, not to meet anyone special. It will make a world of difference for you.


----------



## whitehawk

Hardtohandle said:


> I'm dating but I'm at the point I just might be done.. I just think everyone is too fvcked up ( including myself ) past a certain age..


Yeah l just find the same thing by even observation only, it's everywhere.
l can say from a guys point of view , mine anyway , wtf happens to the easy going, happy, no hang up fun girls l use to go out with in 18yrs .

lt's down right scary out there


----------



## Hardtohandle

Hardtohandle said:


> I'm dating but I'm at the point I just might be done.. I just think everyone is too fvcked up ( including myself ) past a certain age..


Wanted to update a bit on this and try to explain something, hopefully it will help someone else.

My Ex wife divorced me and did it in the most sh1ttiest of possible ways.. Even almost a full year later that she left it still bad communication wise for me and one of OUR sons.. 

But beyond this d0uchebagery she did for the 19 years we were together she overall a good person.. It was as if she had this issue bottled up inside her for 19 years and then just exploded into this insane woman she is today. But again she was a good person and for the most part a loving wife and great with the kids. 

So where is my issue here.. Well I think I am too structured.. Too compartmentalized. I'm far from a neat freak and pretty lazy in many degrees. I don't cook,though I could probably could and I don't do laundry though I probably could as well. I will be honest I have my mother who lives downstairs from me that does these things for me. She is old school and even though I told her not to or to let me do it. Her comments are when she dies I can do it then. I appreciate it and it helps out tons as it allows me to work a few more hours of OT then I would have to otherwise. 

But nonetheless my simple point that the therapist brings out. I'm too ridged. I bring my cop mentality into my personal life.. 

I'm too tense and even though I mean well I sometimes say the wrong things.. I also had a woman that grew up with me and learned about me over the years. 

Today I am very sarcastic humor wise and I am pretty much a wise a$$. Trust me when I say I am happy go lucky despite the postings here sometimes. I'm pretty much never serious and when I do I am too serious. It just throws everyone off. 

Another thing I am learning when I never knew before is woman do a lot of testing. I didn't understand this and understandably so because I was with one woman for so many years and she never did these sorts of things. OR maybe she did and I didn't see them or passed these test at those times without knowing.

Oddly it took a friends girlfriend to explain and openly admit what she does to test my friends love and commitment to her. Which was sort of an eye opener for him as well. But it was nice that she explained it and what goes through her mind. 

I took that info and put it to good use trying to understand the current girlfriend who loves to do testing of her own that drives me nuts sometimes. 

Many times I don't fall for the bait but then there are some days she just catches me off guard and I fall hook line and sinker.. When I do, I become a beast.. Its not the first time I was told that people were afraid of my anger. 

Unfortunately my apocalyptic anger then bring this to another level. I snap and get upset that I am being tested and that I am a grown man and don't need to be tested, among other things. Let me simply say it isn't pretty. 

I'm looking into meditation and yoga to calm me down a bit more, and now that I am conscious of it and understand this stuff a bit more I developed the tools needed to handle the relationship testing and just grasp what is going on.


----------



## Hardtohandle

TheGoodGuy said:


> Makes perfect sense. I thought it was right at the time on date 5 or 6 (first movie though) after plenty of brief touches and hugs on the previous dates. Wasn't the right timing for her I guess, or I should have picked up on other signs beforehand that she was wishing washy. Lesson learned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey TGG

I think you need to pick your speed up a bit.. 5 dates before holding hands.. 

This is what I do which I mentioned I think in another post and was shot down as being beta or not macho enough.. But it works well for me at least.

First date usually a coffee thing because its online dating. We meet, she see's I'm not crazy. I see she isn't crazy and we talk for a bit.

Second date ( what I would call the real first date ). I usually take them to the city. It big, its crowded.. I tell them, look I might hold your hand or put my arm in yours or my arm around you. Its the city and I don't want someone to think you're my sister or something. Its cool also to grab their hand and lead them through a crowd and just keep holding their hand after you cleared the crowd.

I also tell them I might even sneak a kiss or two or three depending on the moment and the mood. BUT if that isn't okay I understand and they can tell me at any time don't hold my hand or not accept the kiss. 

Honestly I keep the kiss for the end of the night most times. But sometimes it is the big city and lots of lights. My first kiss is usually a kiss on the cheek while taking a pic together.

My final comment is the following.. Its a bit rough or strong but if a woman has online dated enough she will understand it quite well. I tell them this is date and only a date I expect nothing else but their company and a good time. I have been told by woman that at times they have been told flat out a date that cost 100 dollars or more requires some sort of sexual or oral compensation. Sounds crazy but welcome to the 21st century. 

For me living in NYC a dinner and drinks is always going to be over 100 dollars. Parking along sometimes is 50 dollars. So as much as that might sound cool to get oral for a dinner, I just wouldn't respect a woman who thought it would be okay and understood it was fine to do so.


----------



## FeministInPink

Hardtohandle said:


> I have been told by woman that at times they have been told flat out a date that cost 100 dollars or more requires some sort of sexual or oral compensation. Sounds crazy but welcome to the 21st century.


If someone said that to me, my response would be, "I'm not a prostitute, and I have no interest in being seen in public with a john. F*ck you very much, but I'm outta here. You want a hooker, head over to the corner of Main and Go F*ck Yourself Street. You don't deserve someone as awesome as me." And I might pour my drink in his lap for good measure.


----------



## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> Heartbreaker ...


Yes, I have been known to break a few.

I like to keep them in jars. 



Hardtohandle said:


> I have been told by woman that at times they have been told flat out a date that cost 100 dollars or more requires some sort of sexual or oral compensation.


WTF? 

People are nuts.


----------



## not recognizable

ne9907 said:


> I too was afraid of being alone, but not anymore.
> 
> I am thinking along the same lines of Hardtohandle, except I haven't date and really do not want to.
> 
> I do feel that I will not get a 2nd chance for real love (romance) and I am good with it. I am only 3 years older than you, but I can tell you that being alone for the rest of my life does not scare me.



This may well be the most reassuring and inspiring thing I've ever heard.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Sooooo, I've got this guy pursuing me from DC, obviously so, none of this does she maybe like me stuff, insecure...but is not some lowlife idiot either slobbering down my neck. At first I was a little irritated but then I remembered how it was from when I was younger, and I kind of like it - enthusiasm is good, right? In middle life, it's impressive to suddenly find yourself suddenly thinking about a guy the way you might have when you were in your young 20's. Too funny.

Told him he could visit. Will be interesting to see if he does. 
I'm far more attracted to him than anyone I've met through Match or eHarmony or anyone that I can think of for a very long time. Gotta hand it to the guy for recognizing some kind of magnetism and taking action. Impressive moves, at work, and under video surveillance too. I might have just walked right by as I was on vacation and zoning, in my own space. 

I wonder how many guys here would do that...see a woman they like walking by them at work and insist on meeting up later on?


----------



## Jellybeans

Do you live far from DC, Homemaker?

Long distance is always tricky and IMO, not worth it.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Jellybeans said:


> Do you live far from DC, Homemaker?
> 
> Long distance is always tricky and IMO, not worth it.


It's not far. A short plane ride with two major hubs available plus another airport with regular flights. 

For me long distance would be perfect for the next few years...I have children who will be 10 and 14 this year and not looking for a domestic relationship that involves the kids, just me. My kids are away more or less every other weekend. Guy said he would consider re-locating for a while, if it came to that. When my kids are older I would also consider relocating, in my line of work there is plenty I could do in DC, in fact I used to live there which is why I was vacationing there, more relaxing when you know your way around. I like the guy, am neutral on the city. Actually he's from rural Virginia, not a metropolitan kind of guy. Just works there. 

Re LD, I'm not the type to drive myself crazy wondering what a guy is up to, if the relationship can work, it will work, and if it can't then it won't. Nothing is forever. For the most part I like my space and my day to day freedom. A relationship is not something I see as a domestic thing 24*7. In fact, I think it's a good way to fast track a relationship into the ground when you are age 50, more so when you have children. 

I think a lot of people want a domestic relationship - I'd rather just play house every now and then and keep it relaxing. I also don't want to be co-mingling finances, or having my domestic set-up and day to day stability be dependent on another person, ever. It's been compromised far too often. Nor do I want the responsibility of having someone else's day to day stability be dependent on me...don't want to be stuck in the situation of having to deal with a freeloader. 

I want a "pure" relationship, none of this co-mingled stuff for me. I'd rather relate on a personal and intimate level and leave it at that, why mess with something like that? 

I'm a good friend, so if issues come up like illness, etc. it's not like I'd willingly ditch someone I was attached to. In other words, not a fair-weather person, and also not a perpetual dater either, someone who takes advantage of others to pick up the tab etc. I don't even really like most restaurants or even motels (when I vacation I stay in hostels or I camp...) Everything I need I can provide for myself or make arrangements to provide for myself.

TBH, I think a relationship is really just the time spent with another person...not all the other ephemeral stuff that goes along with it...(domestic space, finances, plans for the future even made out of words unrelated to present time and space...) those just frame how the time in the relationship is spent...but are in no way NECESSARY for a relationship/partnership to take place.

I think adults make relationships far too complex.


----------



## Jellybeans

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> . Guy said he would consider re-locating for a while, if it came to that. When my kids are older I would also consider relocating, in my line of work there is plenty I could do in DC, in fact I used to live there which is why I was vacationing there, more relaxing when you know your way around.


He's saying he would relocate and you have only seen him once? 

Well if you are into it, I guess, do you.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I turned off all my dating profiles. My stress level has dropped considerably! :smthumbup:


----------



## FeministInPink

Jellybeans said:


> Do you live far from DC, Homemaker?
> 
> Long distance is always tricky and IMO, not worth it.


If she can keep things in perspective and expectations realistic, though, it could be a fun fling.


----------



## RandomDude

> TBH, I think a relationship is really just the time spent with another person...not all the other ephemeral stuff that goes along with it...(domestic space, finances, plans for the future even made out of words unrelated to present time and space...) those just frame how the time in the relationship is spent...but are in no way NECESSARY for a relationship/partnership to take place.
> 
> *I think adults make relationships far too complex.*


Lol tis is true 

But we do this because everyone else does it


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

FeministInPink said:


> If she can keep things in perspective and expectations realistic, though, it could be a fun fling.


If I had wanted a fling, I would have flung in DC. I didn't. Not what I want. There is a HUGE difference between a fling and a relationship. A fling is a throw-away, I don't throw away people I choose to be with, unless they reveal themselves to be pure garbage.

WRT him relocating. He said outright that he would be able to move in a year or two. I think that's important information to put out there up front when you're talking to someone who is just passing through and you're not just looking for a hookup. Of course, if he was looking for a hookup maybe he said it just to tip the scales in his favor. But I'm a believe it when I see it not when I'm told it kind of person, so it didn't tip any scales... we'll see if he follows through on plans to take some of his saved up vacation time and show up. It's far enough that anyone who wasn't serious wouldn't bother, far better playing field in DC, and from what I've seen he could do very well if he wanted to. But the verdict is still out...we'll have to see what happens, he's going to have to make the first visit, I'm not going down there again even if he does seem to have some plausible reason why he can't follow through on his plans to come here. IMO, people can play games that way...best intentions blah blah blah. Best intentions mean nothing unless a person can find a way to actualize them.


----------



## Jellybeans

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Best intentions mean nothing unless a person can find a way to actualize them.


:iagree:


----------



## RandomDude

Love shouldn't be so fking complicated, I'm so tired of all this crap


----------



## FeministInPink

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> A fling is a throw-away, I don't throw away people I choose to be with, unless they reveal themselves to be pure garbage.


I beg to disagree. You can have a fling, NSA short-term thing without devaluing the other person - if you're both up front about the fact that this "relationship" has a limited, short-term life span.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

RandomDude said:


> Love shouldn't be so fking complicated, I'm so tired of all this crap


Exactly, you get to a point where it's meet, like, scr*w, eat, sleep, and repeat from scr*w. Where is the problem? 

I think we make the problems ourselves. It doesn't have to be so difficult. But we're human, we like to think we have to work hard to open a box in order to enjoy what's in there. (Not sure if pun is intended, but, whatever.)


----------



## RandomDude

Now I'm tempted to go to FWBs >.<


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

RandomDude said:


> Now I'm tempted to go to FWBs >.<


No way! I have friends and they could be FWB's but if they were meant to be FWB we would have already done the bennies thing. Some guys are just meant to be beer buddies and leave it at that. Someone who starts as a friend, should stay a friend. If you were attracted to them sexually something would already have happened, don't you think? 

I can't stomach thinking about messing around with my friends...ewwwww! It's just wrong. They're like family to me.


----------



## Jellybeans

FeministInPink said:


> I beg to disagree. You can have a fling, NSA short-term thing without devaluing the other person - if you're both up front about the fact that this "relationship" has a limited, short-term life span.


It doesn't even have to be a short-term thing. It could be a long-term fling of FWBs.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Kudos to all of you who can have flings.
I find it repulsive (for me, which is different than finding people who have and enjoy flings repulsive - I don't, not on that basis...)
For me it's a definite turnoff, and wishing won't make it otherwise. 
To each their own!


----------



## Jellybeans

Well at this rate (being that I haven't been bedded in awhile), it is sounding more and more attractive. The problem is finding someone who I could with. I am not really built for casual relationships as they aren't really my bag but if it were someone discreet and not in my social circle who I am attracted to, then maybe it could work.

I did have one FWBs back in college. It worked magnificently. We were on the same exact page and only stopped trysting when we both got in relationships w/ other people. It was so very evolved, the way the entire thing went down. It's funny cause the people we ended up dating were nothing like each of us were. He was a hot soccer player.


----------



## doureallycare2

Posted this on another thread then saw this one and thought maybe its more appropriate here. sorry its longggg

ok so here is a dating question, scenario for you all.. I haven’t been totally up front here. I’ve mentioned my tall guy right and how we seem to have a great relationship... however it’s still pretty casual with him just starting to step it up.
I was also seeing a couple of other guys still.. it’s really weird I never saw myself as the type that would multi date. One of the other guys turned into a physical relationship very quickly but I honestly didn’t feel an attraction, more that he was safe and sweet. Lost his wife in April and he was lonely and I didn’t know where my tall guy stood (barley held my hand) so I basically started letting myself get attached to the widower. He did not know I was seeing anyone else. My tall guy did know I was seeing others as he was not willing to commit to exclusive dating until we got to know each other better. Widower wanted to be exclusive right from the bat and although I never said I was I certainly led him to believe I agreed.

Widower told me he was falling in love with me several times and was exclusive. Please know this was all as confusing to me as it sounds here.. I think I was basically being a cake eater but didn’t want that roll. I kept going back and forth to try and make a decision of who I was going to try and make it work with. My friends said it was ok to take my time and date two but I felt I wasn’t being honest. I wanted the comfort of a physical relationship with someone that said they loved me but the security of the other guys that was going slow and wanted to get to know me better in case widower didn’t work out)

anyways:
Widower and I were really starting to get very into a relationship and I was ready to tell tall guy he was not the one for me around thanksgiving. the widower has a 19 year old daughter with bi-polar (and very spoiled also). Her parents had her late in life using invetro. She was away to college and that’s when are relationship became intimate (beginning of November). I stayed for a week at his house and made excuses to tall guy why I couldn’t see him. Then widower would come to my place also. For about a month we were inseparable. When I was sick he brought soup to my work. He called and texted every day.ect ect. Right before Christmas his daughter decided to switch collages and stay at home while going to a local college.. All of a sudden I was not getting to see him and the calls became less frequent. (He did tell me this would be a problem for him because of how volatile she was) I tried to be understanding knowing this was the first Christmas with her mom and him with out his wife. But he didn’t even text me on Christmas day!
Meanwhile tall guy stepped up to the plate. Wanted to become exclusive, wanted to see me on any free days. so I start seeing him more, trying to judge if he's a better fit for me...( I think he is but still feel very strong affection for widower.) Widower cancelled out new year’s plans because he was worried his daughter would be alone. I ended up calling him and giving him the "speech". He needs to take care of her and himself, ect. probably too soon for him to be in a relationship ect.. Sorry this was so long but I’m really struggling, did I do the right thing.. Part of me says this was a really nice guy, he wouldn’t lie, he tried to reassure me a couple times. Although his actions would seem to say yes I’m committed they were also few and far between. he ended up taking me away for two days after new years because he knew he messed up but that was the last time we had any quality time together or got physical. he would call and say I miss you but then say he was out to dinner by himself.. why wasn’t he at my house seeing me?
Am I getting mixed messeges from him or is it me?

meanwhile I had my cousin check him out on the dating site and it showed he was active on match within 24 hours that day. I confronted him on that also and he promised he wasn’t. And said he was 100 0/0 committed to me, that he felt lucky he found me..

Does the web site lie or does he.. I was confused. I’ve had enough lies in my marriage. He also told me that a lot of the nights he "couldn’t see me" he went to his favorite hangouts for dinner and drinks alone or with friends.. Just didn’t include me...I could have met him there after work, I work close by. So how much was it the daughter and how much was he just liked his freedom and didn’t think to ask me...? Anyways he comforted me and assured me he was 100 0/0 committed to me.

Fast forward two weeks ago to Sunday the 5th and I see he’s on the match .com site again (said available to chat). I send him a text that says it appears that your still on the site. He calls I once again share all my doubts, not calling me, not actively seeing me. He assures me again. Anyways we hung up from conversation and an hour later he was at my door.. Surprise... said he wanted to reassure me in person. he’s committed, not on site and really cares for me thinks he’s falling in love. Also said I made him feel an inch high with my text message. He stayed an hour and left to go back to daughter. That whole week I hardly heard anything again but he called up Tuesday night the 7th, drunk and said he loved me and he cancelled his match account period! Then i heard nothing from him at all Wednesday or thrusday or friday. (found out he went out alone again friday night). Saturday he took his daughter and I to a basketball game, paid $225.00 for us to go and have a “bonding moment”. Got back to his house and he says "thanks for coming- drive safe" I was dismissed! I didn’t hear anything that night or Sunday and got a very brief text Monday saying good morning. I checked the match site and it showed him as active within 5 days. 
I heard nothing yesterday so I checked the match site last night and it showed active within 24 hours. I’m like what the F. (Mean while remember that tall guy has been coming on strong.. I ended up seeing him Friday, Saturday night after the game and Sunday.) Kind of I think because I felt abandon by widower. But I see that I have more in common with tall guy.) Widower worries me, seems like he’s pulling away, has issues with his daughter which by the way was extremely rude to him threw-out the whole game and on the way home. She’s very angry he’s dating. Because I see his match account went from 5 days to 24 hours last night and He doesn’t seem to be telling me the truth about match... ect.. so I send him a scathing text message including a snap shot of his being active on the site and how I guess I can’t count on honesty from him.. He intern sent me a snapshot of the confirmation of his account and a text saying all he has is his word and if I that’s not good enough sorry, but wishes me the best, good luck. I send him a text saying it’s about more than his word, I explain my doubts with his drawing away again (talked with him about it that last Sunday also) also that a dating site is an unusual experience and with unusual circumstance and cant he see where I would doubt his word? But I wished him the best also.. I didn’t hear anything more from him but he took himself off as my facebook friend...I guess its over.

So here’s the thing… I should be happy, He obviously was not the best connection for me. Why else would I still want to see other guy? But no matter what, I did let myself get somewhat emotionally attached. And I feel rejected.. how stupid is that… I don’t know if this whole thing was my fault by questioning him to much, he probably just needed to go slow because of how recently his wife died and I wanted as much of his time and attention I could get. When I wasn’t getting it I got it from another source.. Is he a liar or does match screw with people and show them active when not. He did show me his confirmation that he cancelled his account. Am I just not ready based on my past marriage and the trust issues… UGH!! I feel guilty yet I feel rejected. Does this make sense to anyone and can anyone give me some insight to him? Also he was not a good communicator. But very kind.. I stayed home sick Monday and felt bad he hadn’t contacted me.. I texted him that I was home sick and he asked if he could get me anything.. we go from that to a day later broke up… yet in the long run I think that was my goal…. because I Dont want to get emotionally attached. He is not the first guy I got too close to then foound a reason to end it..... Ugh so confused.. 
Feel so hurt.....sorry agin this is long.. no one else to vent to!


----------



## Jellybeans

You really should try to make this shorter--surmise the situation in a few sentences. 

A lot of folks won't read it because of the length.


----------



## Clawed

*doureallycare2* hmm... my first inclination is to feel that he is lying to you about the Match.com thing. Sure he may have cancelled, but I'm sure it's nothing to start it back up again. It also sounds like although you ended up getting pretty close to him, he simply has not been giving you the attention you desire. Does not help that the relationship is now strained by the presence of the daughter. My recent relationship (one that occurred after my marriage ended) ended in a very similar fashion. We were pretty tight, just getting close and affectionate toward each other and suddenly, we are both wishing each other the best in life. It's crazy how quickly things can turn. 

My advice though, is to go with your instincts. If you feel that he is not being totally honest with you, he probably isn't. I mean, you have valid evidence to support how you feel. Plus, he is withdrawing. I can't be sure, but my guess is that he is seeing someone else as well, or at least chatting them up. So, if tall dude is good to you, maybe now is the best time to give him a shot.


----------



## Deejo

Will tell you that if you have Match on your phone, it always indicates 'Active within 24 hours' or has you online when you aren't.


----------



## doureallycare2

Deejo said:


> Will tell you that if you have Match on your phone, it always indicates 'Active within 24 hours' or has you online when you aren't.


Are you kidding me? I think he does have it on his phone but the other day it said days.. then went to 24 hours.

Now i really feel like crap... ugh


----------



## 3Xnocharm

The Zoosk app is the same way.


----------



## Clawed

doureallycare2 said:


> Are you kidding me? I think he does have it on his phone but the other day it said days.. then went to 24 hours.
> 
> Now i really feel like crap... ugh


Yeah, well, the fact is - it's likely NOT deactivated then. Now, he might just be browsing, keeping some options open just as you were with tall guy. That seems to be what I would say the good majority of people do these days. I'm not that kinda guy, and it sucks to be seeing someone who is clearly not ready to be exclusive anytime soon (and I can't blame them, it's just hard to find someone who wants to try exclusivity with me). I'm having a really hard time myself, which is why I am taking a breather.


----------



## Clawed

whitehawk said:


> IMO, 8 mths out is just stupid to be even bothering but hey maybe that's just me. But l reckon 12mths at least myself after a marriage break up. l mean it's probably the biggest most painful and confusing roller coaster sh!t you'll ever go through - how the hell can 8mths sort that out.


What you say is true, the collapse of a marriage is an incredibly difficult life situation to face - but I am finding that I have exceptional coping skills that I had no idea I had. I am a much stronger individual than I ever gave myself credit for. Therefore, I can go into a new relationship as a well-adjusted, newly divorced guy. I have had a couple of brief encounters and the women that I had been seeing were very receptive of me and where I was coming from. The truth is, I know there is not a thing I could have done to save my marriage - because I tried. I did everything I knew how to do. So, I can move on and not be hung up on my wishes for what the outcome could have been. I can wash my hands of it knowing I did my best to be a selflessly loving, loyal, and devoted father and husband. And I'm happy! Because I had one hell of a run and I wouldn't trade that time spent with my former wife for anything in the world  Onward to new, exciting experiences!


----------



## whitehawk

Good for you then Clawed , we're all different eh. Maybe just take yourself that breather and see where your at, won't hurt. 
Good luck with everything.


----------



## whitehawk

l don't trust their phone apps they seem to take over all sorts of things , who knows what they're stealing and watching.
Noticed this last 6mths you don't even need most apps anymore anyway. Most mobs even Ebay are making their sites work on everything now.

But Zoosk l just get Zoosk emails forwarded to my normal email and then my phone. l can still go straight through on my phone in any links on their emails but they aren't in my stuff, works good.


----------



## FeministInPink

Jellybeans said:


> Well at this rate (being that I haven't been bedded in awhile), it is sounding more and more attractive. The problem is finding someone who I could with. I am not really built for casual relationships as they aren't really my bag but if it were someone discreet and not in my social circle who I am attracted to, then maybe it could work.
> 
> I did have one FWBs back in college. It worked magnificently. We were on the same exact page and only stopped trysting when we both got in relationships w/ other people. It was so very evolved, the way the entire thing went down. It's funny cause the people we ended up dating were nothing like each of us were. He was a hot soccer player.


Couldn't have said it better myself, JB. And personally, I don't know that I have the time or emotional resources for a relationship right now. But I have certain, ahem, needs that my now XH neglected for far, far too long. I could get those needs met by a relationship, but I spent the last 11 yrs in an (unfulfilling) relationship; another relationship is kind of the last thing I want right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clawed

whitehawk said:


> Good for you then Clawed , we're all different eh. Maybe just take yourself that breather and see where your at, won't hurt.
> Good luck with everything.


Absolutely, everyone is different. It does take a lot of time to heal. I am still in the recovery process, but I am healthy enough mentally to make some new friends, including those of the opposite gender. I am not ready to get myself into anything too serious yet though, I still have to be cautious. 

Because I have always been the 'shy guy' it's done a world of good for me to do some new things: going to the gym, playing volleyball, being involved in a few Meetup groups and just chatting up random people - I feel so much better about myself than I did when I was married and relied exclusively on my partner to build me up... it didn't happen and I was unhappy with myself and did not feel loved - even though I THOUGHT I was loved in the capcity I needed. The reality is that I loved her and being able to love and care for someone like I did is what actually sustained me. NOT the love I received, if that makes sense.


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## FeministInPink

Clawed said:


> Absolutely, everyone is different. It does take a lot of time to heal. I am still in the recovery process, but I am healthy enough mentally to make some new friends, including those of the opposite gender. I am not ready to get myself into anything too serious yet though, I still have to be cautious.
> 
> Because I have always been the 'shy guy' it's done a world of good for me to do some new things: going to the gym, playing volleyball, being involved in a few Meetup groups and just chatting up random people - I feel so much better about myself than I did when I was married and relied exclusively on my partner to build me up... it didn't happen and I was unhappy with myself and did not feel loved - even though I THOUGHT I was loved in the capcity I needed. The reality is that I loved her and being able to love and care for someone like I did is what actually sustained me. NOT the love I received, if that makes sense.


Makes absolute sense; I feel/felt the same way. Getting out and being social on my own, and doing new things, has really helped me. (I didn't rely exclusively on my partner because I'm shy; various other factors made him my (almost) only social outlet. Another discussion for another time.)


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## COGypsy

doureallycare2 said:


> Are you kidding me? I think he does have it on his phone but the other day it said days.. then went to 24 hours.
> 
> Now i really feel like crap... ugh


I've also found that my status would go to "active within 24 hours" when I went online to check the status of the person I was dating.

Doesn't matter what you're doing, if you touch the site, you're active.


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## whitehawk

Yep makes perfect sense Clawed.


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## whitehawk

COGypsy said:


> I've also found that my status would go to "active within 24 hours" when I went online to check the status of the person I was dating.
> 
> Doesn't matter what you're doing, if you touch the site, you're active.



Ahh right. Hu , all about making it look nice and busy isn't it hey.
lf l click on any links in the zoosk emails through my phone, it goes straight into my zoosk thingo and so l've been there , even if l haven't so to speak . Well apart from looking at one link or something.


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## Nsweet

COGypsy said:


> I've also found that my status would go to "active within 24 hours" when I went online to check the status of the person I was dating.
> 
> Doesn't matter what you're doing, if you touch the site, you're active.


If you even open the email telling you that you have a message, it will say you're active and everyone you're not interested in will message you.


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## Clawed

Today, is garbage.

Do you ever have those days where you reminisce about the past - the good times only, of course... and then you look at the current state of things and realize that your life is crap. You feel like you are not worth anything to anyone and you could never even hope to recapture the state of hapiness you feel you once had?

I am having one of those days. I know it's not true, but the feelings and evidence for such are too hard to ignore.

I don't even have any destructive behaviors to turn to! hahaha...



... really though.


* sorry, this is not precisely "on topic" but it's my thread so I thought it would be okay to vent here. Although, a couple of not-so-super-great relationships since my marriage ended kind of reinforce this concept *


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## familyfirst09

Clawed said:


> Today, is garbage.
> 
> Do you ever have those days where you reminisce about the past - the good times only, of course... and then you look at the current state of things and realize that your life is crap. You feel like you are not worth anything to anyone and you could never even hope to recapture the state of hapiness you feel you once had?
> 
> I am having one of those days. I know it's not true, but the feelings and evidence for such are too hard to ignore.
> 
> I don't even have any destructive behaviors to turn to! hahaha...
> 
> 
> 
> ... really though.


My first time on the thread..eventually I will be at the "dating" stage. But I do know exactly what you are feeling here. I did meet a guy recently and I wont get into all the detail but then he turned out to be a dou**e and what you said is right where my brain went - oh my ex was horrible and I would never want him back but it was stable environment.....comfortable almost and I never had to put up with this kind of crap. And there were happy moments too.

I talked to my therapist about it earlier this week and she said to focus on how far I have come and about the happy moments you have had on your own and believe that there will be more. Remember - one man's garbage is another man's treasure (or woman lol). You are worth so much to someone...they just havent found you yet


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## Clawed

familyfirst09 said:


> My first time on the thread..eventually I will be at the "dating" stage. But I do know exactly what you are feeling here. I did meet a guy recently and I wont get into all the detail but then he turned out to be a dou**e and what you said is right where my brain went - oh my ex was horrible and I would never want him back but it was stable environment.....comfortable almost and I never had to put up with this kind of crap. And there were happy moments too.
> 
> I talked to my therapist about it earlier this week and she said to* focus on how far I have come and about the happy moments you have had on your own and believe that there will be more*. Remember - one man's garbage is another man's treasure (or woman lol). You are worth so much to someone...they just havent found you yet


Ahh, see, very good advice! Sounds like a much better plan than "How can I self-destruct in the most momentarily satisfying way possible" lol - that is dangerous thinking. 

Thankfully, I have never given in to thoughts like that. I know one day things are going to turn. It's weird because I will go for weeks at a time and feel wonderful about myself and the direction of my life, then, one day (like today) - *BAM* There is usually a trigger. Today, it's just a bad day at work.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

See - that's where having a crappy childhood comes in handy. Everything is better, even crappy adult days. And Netflix is the greatest invention ever.


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## whitehawk

Yep l wonder too , lots . l hate those days and there's been plenty. lt's the wrong way to think l know but yea , l know l've done wonders , l know l've come a long long way, l know l have some great plans , but my life is just crap compared to what it was.

l know l guess one day it'll get better, l might even be really happy one day. But l didn't chose this , l just helped make the mess that caused it . Before making that mess though , we were one of the happiest couples l'd know . So l don't really have a reason to want whatever is install for me now , l was pretty damn happy before , before we got messed up, we both were .

So l know we all hear you Clawed, better luck with tomorrow :smthumbup:


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## doureallycare2

Its kind of funny how we get "okay" with the dysfunctional lifes we can lead and call them comfortable or normal and look back with longing for the good ol days... Of course there were some, but it comes down that change is hard, its hard for both people to change to keep a relationship going and better and its hard to change if the relationship dies and you need to adjust to the new "reality". your best days dont have to be behind you... make those hard changes give your self time. except responsabilty for the things you know you could have done differently and better and press on one step at a time to affect the changes needed in your life. and dont beat your selves up if you fail. youll come out the other end and have many great days ahead of you!


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## familyfirst09

doureallycare2 said:


> Its kind of funny how we get "okay" with the dysfunctional lifes we can lead and call them comfortable or normal and look back with longing for the good ol days... Of course there were some, but it comes down that change is hard, its hard for both people to change to keep a relationship going and better and its hard to change if the relationship dies and you need to adjust to the new "reality". your best days dont have to be behind you... make those hard changes give your self time. except responsabilty for the things you know you could have done differently and better and press on one step at a time to affect the changes needed in your life. and dont beat your selves up if you fail. youll come out the other end and have many great days ahead of you!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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