# How to forgive yourself?



## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

delete


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Moving "on" requires going from one place to another. Physically moving your body.

In your case, this action will not help.

The mistake is in your head [as a memory]. It will follow you to your grave. This is not a bad thing. Having memories keeps us from repeating bad behavior. This memory will be your conscience...Jiminy Cricket...I won't do that again...chirp, chirp! Toodle-oo, Stromboli. 


What to do, you ask?

Learn from this mistake. You said that you are more mature now...you will make better choices...that is a good start.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please be transparent with your husband about this. Just lay out your heart to him.

I have read that the hardest thing about a wife's affair may be helping her forgive herself afterwards. Sounds like your husband may have his work cut out for him. 

Have you gone to counseling for this, btw? Talking it out with a neutral, experienced 3rd party might be helpful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think counselling will be of benefit.

It will help you to learn why you did what you did and also, hopefully, it will help you develop strategies to make sure you never do it again.


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

I did counseling and had a bad experience with the counselor. I have a hard time trusting them now. I have confident that I will never repeat the same mistake.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

candle100 said:


> I did counseling and had a bad experience with the counselor. I have a hard time trusting them now. I have confident that I will never repeat the same mistake.


I'm sure you won't. But forgiving yourself could make the past easier to bear.

I urge you to share all of this with your husband. Have you adopted a policy of transparency with him?


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

jld said:


> I'm sure you won't. But forgiving yourself could make the past easier to bear.
> 
> I urge you to share all of this with your husband. Have you adopted a policy of transparency with him?


Yes, I cannot keep secrets well anyway. My DH has all my passwords and he can access anything he wants. My DH understands that I was only 18 years old when I got married so I was not really mature enough to deal with marital issues. People made mistakes and learned. Some mistakes are worse than others. I did not understand the concept of EA. I thought as long as I did not meet the person, it would not considered cheating. I was so wrong. Any action that requires secrecy or hurts a spouse is serious. I always feel bad but I feel especially bad lately because I have to deal with family issues that remind me of the past.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

candle100 said:


> Yes, I cannot keep secrets well anyway. My DH has all my passwords and he can access anything he wants. My DH understands that I was only 18 years old when I got married so I was not really mature enough to deal with marital issues. People made mistakes and learned. Some mistakes are worse than others. I did not understand the concept of EA. I thought as long as I did not meet the person, it would not considered cheating. I was so wrong. Any action that requires secrecy or hurts a spouse is serious. I always feel bad but I feel especially bad lately because I have to deal with family issues that remind me of the past.


That is really good, that you have shared those things with him. Has he also shared his passwords and other things with you?

Transparency is really important in marriage, because it builds trust. 

Have you also given him access to your feelings? For example, have you shared with him that you still feel guilt every day? How does he respond to that?

And what is going on in your family?


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

jld said:


> That is really good, that you have shared those things with him. Has he also shared his passwords and other things with you?
> 
> Transparency is really important in marriage, because it builds trust.
> 
> ...


I know his passwords. I can guess his passwords as easy as he guesses mine. I mentioned things like "I am such a horrible person to you" or "when I die, I will not go to heaven with you"...etc. He just laughed it off and thinks I am silly. 

I want to post my family issues under the private section but I have no access to it. I do not know how to post under that section.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

candle100 said:


> I know his passwords. I can guess his passwords as easy as he guesses mine. I mentioned things like "I am such a horrible person to you" or "when I die, I will not go to heaven with you"...etc. He just laughed it off and thinks I am silly.
> 
> I want to post my family issues under the private section but I have no access to it. I do not know how to post under that section.


You have to wait until you have 30 posts. 

The laughing it off and saying you are silly indicates he does not feel threatened. That is good. Has he tried to reassure you? How?

Can you tell us more about how the EA started, what you think you may have been looking for?


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

jld said:


> You have to wait until you have 30 posts.
> 
> The laughing it off and saying you are silly indicates he does not feel threatened. That is good. Has he tried to reassure you? How?
> 
> Can you tell us more about how the EA started, what you think you may have been looking for?


He was saying things like "you will be fine" or "I love you." 

I guess I was under a lot of stress and wanted to escape reality. The OM got fired from a job and got in trouble with drinking and basically I would never date a guy like that in real life because my head would tell me no. I dislike irresponsible men like him in real life. All I care at that time was to have someone who would listen to my problems. He complained his problems to me. I created my own fantasy land and my own fantasy OM, I don't know if it makes any sense. Looking back I feel really stupid. I could easily escape reality by finding a good show to watch.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

candle100 said:


> He was saying things like "you will be fine" or "I love you."
> 
> I guess I was under a lot of stress and wanted to escape reality. The OM got fired from a job and got in trouble with drinking and basically I would never date a guy like that in real life because my head would tell me no. I dislike irresponsible men like him in real life. All I care at that time was to have someone who would listen to my problems. He complained his problems to me. I created my own fantasy land and my own fantasy OM, I don't know if it makes any sense. Looking back I feel really stupid. I could easily escape reality by finding a good show to watch.


Why did you not go to your husband with your problems?

You said you married at 18? How old was your husband when you married?


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

jld said:


> Why did you not go to your husband with your problems?
> 
> You said you married at 18? How old was your husband when you married?


My DH was too busy working and partying with his friends. He was in his early 30s. He did not take me serious when I complained to him because I was younger. I know now he was giving me space because he did not want me to get distracted with school. Marriage failed because couple only find each other's faults and flaws. It was hard for my DH to look at me as an equal spouse when he was a generation ahead of me. He treats me differently now as he realizes I am no longer 18 years old and I have grown personally. Our marriage is a better place now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

candle100 said:


> My DH was too busy working and partying with his friends. He was in his early 30s. He did not take me serious when I complained to him because I was younger. I know now he was giving me space because he did not want me to get distracted with school. Marriage failed because couple only find each other's faults and flaws. It was hard for my DH to look at me as an equal spouse when he was a generation ahead of me. He treats me differently now as he realizes I am no longer 18 years old and I have grown personally. Our marriage is a better place now.


Are you in America, candle? I ask because it seems unusual that someone 18 would marry a man in his early 30s. Just wondering.

How old are you now? About 25 or so?

You said you were studying? Have you finished? Are you working now?

Can you elaborate on how he treats you differently now?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

For one, stop calling what you did a "mistake" instead look at it as a learning experience. The only thing you are truly guilty of is learning a lesson. Stop feeling guilty about a mistake and start feeling good about learning a lesson.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Being transparent is only part of the process. 

You have to work on you to be the best you can be, regardless if your husband stays with your or forgives you or not. If you are attending IC, are you setting goals for yourself with your counsellor's help? Are you digging down deep to figure out why you allowed your boundaries to fall and why you gave yourself permission to open yourself up to this other man?

Setting definable boundaries for yourself is a must. Then you work on the whys. And as you work through that process and come to understand yourself better, then self forgiveness will follow. 

The reason you cannot forgive yourself is because you do not feel safe with yourself, nor do you trust yourself. Once you learn to trust yourself then you will heal. 

But stop all that self flagellation. It doesn't serve anyone.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I mentioned things like "I am such a horrible person to you" or "when I die, I will not go to heaven with you"...etc.


*
Good grief! What kind of faith do you have that will send you to hell because you secretly talked to another man on the internet?*


Your EA revealed a weakness in yourself and was talk that should never be with another man that could be a threat to your husband. I sure do not want to light coat your EA but your extreme hatred for yourself is way beyond normal.

There is more reason than the EA as or why you hate yourself. Find out what those reasons are and get busy fixing those immediately. *If you do not fix those reasons then they will pop up again somewhere in your life.*


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mr Blunt said:


> *
> Good grief! What kind of faith do you have that will send you to hell because you secretly talked to another man on the internet?*
> 
> 
> ...


This x 100


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

OP,

You were young and stupid, just like most of us were. You made a bad decision, but you learned from it. You're a more mature person now, and it sounds like you're very much marriage material. Don't beat yourself up over it.

As for admission to heaven based on good deeds, one would have to ask the obvious questions: how many good deeds are enough, who is the gatekeeper, and who determines that threshold?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Seems to me that you paid your dues. You are transparent...your H has moved past it. You say you guys are happy. So what is making you dwell on this?
Dwelling like this is almost holding you at the moment you were having your EA which isn't healthy. 
Try a different counselor and figure out why you can't let it go. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

jld said:


> Are you in America, candle? I ask because it seems unusual that someone 18 would marry a man in his early 30s. Just wondering.
> 
> How old are you now? About 25 or so?
> 
> ...


Yes, I am in America. I am 27. I finished college and got a full time job. 
My DH used to make decisions without me. I had little knowledge of our financial status. He asks for my opinion before making decision now. He let me manage the household finances. My DH even asks me if it would be Ok for him to go to parties with friends. I even have surprise presents from him randomly. We have our differences but it is much nicer when two people make effort together for the marriage to work. 



Mr Blunt said:


> *
> Good grief! What kind of faith do you have that will send you to hell because you secretly talked to another man on the internet?*
> 
> 
> ...


You are funny but you made a good point. I feel much better reading your comment lol. 



citygirl4344 said:


> Seems to me that you paid your dues. You are transparent...your H has moved past it. You say you guys are happy. So what is making you dwell on this?
> Dwelling like this is almost holding you at the moment you were having your EA which isn't healthy.
> Try a different counselor and figure out why you can't let it go.
> 
> ...


I am upset because I am trying to "fix" other cheaters who I care about. It reminded me of the past and made me feel like a hypocrite who made the same choice but trying to preach others.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

candle100 said:


> I did counseling and had a bad experience with the counselor. I have a hard time trusting them now. I have confident that I will never repeat the same mistake.


That's a pity. Not all of them are bad.

And they can help.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Candle,

Did you H ever confront the OM or expose what he did to the OMs W?

Tamat


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Candle,
> 
> Did you H ever confront the OM or expose what he did to the OMs W?
> 
> Tamat


He was not married and did not have any children back then from what he said and from Facebook. He lived in a different state and was an online person and might not even be who he claimed to be.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Good for you for being able to stop before the deed. Just look it that way, you had enough respect to stop it before it began. You can't change what was done but learn from it and grow. Which you did! Do not fret over it. You could have done a lot worse. Just read some of the topics and you will see what I mean. At least you have remorse, what I would give for my sxw to have a little if any.

Who needs a signature?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You keep saying that you learned a lot from your EA. Reading your posts I have to agree but the problem is this was not "MISTAKE" like you keep writing.

If your Husband cheated on you would you call it a mistake ?

I dont want to be rude but you still have some problems. Refusing to go for Marriage Counseling is one of them.
Your Husband spending his free time with other men is another one. 

Stay strong.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think your H understands that you had needs he was not meeting. 

If he is not feeling guilty, maybe you should not, either?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

Be smart said:


> You keep saying that you learned a lot from your EA. Reading your posts I have to agree but the problem is this was not "MISTAKE" like you keep writing.
> 
> If your Husband cheated on you would you call it a mistake ?
> 
> ...


Mistake is just a word. I understand clearly it was a bad choice. I tried counseling and it did not work out for me. I am fine with my DH spending time with his friends but with moderation. No, you are not rude, I know I still have problems.


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

jld said:


> I think your H understands that you had needs he was not meeting.
> 
> If he is not feeling guilty, maybe you should not, either?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marriage issues are 50/50. EA was my fault 100% so I hope he does not have to feel guilty for that. It was selfish of me. I cannot change anyone and hopefully no one has to feel bad because of me. I just have to change my own attitude. My DH said he still loves me and forgives me. I just know people forgive but not forget though.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

candle100 said:


> Marriage issues are 50/50. EA was my fault 100% so I hope he does not have to feel guilty for that. It was selfish of me. I cannot change anyone and hopefully no one has to feel bad because of me. I just have to change my own attitude. My DH said he still loves me and forgives me. I just know people forgive but not forget though.


He seems mature about the whole thing. Does he ever tell you that you are too hard on yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

jld said:


> He seems mature about the whole thing. Does he ever tell you that you are too hard on yourself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he just said it really bothered him when I told him I would go to hell for what I did (I repeated it on different occasions). He said he wanted me to be with him in heaven and gave me a hug. My EA really hurts my DH and he comes to a conclusion and belief that he loves me more than I love him (not true at all). I cannot change the way he feels but I am going to spend the rest of my life proving to him that he is very important to me.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Did you learn much in college? How much have you tried to forget? Is it prudent to forget important information? Life is a college that we never graduate from. Those of us that experience lessons and learn from them move forward. Those of us that repeat the same mistakes do not grow but rather stagnate. Allow me to break some rather bad news to you. You will make additional mistakes throughout life. If you allow each one to fester and consume you then you will be quite neurotic by life's end.

If you learn and grow from them then you move forward if you do not then you remain in ignorance and your growth is retarded. You must accept that you are capable of mistakes and put forth additional effort to more thoroughly think things through. As you do your mistakes will lessen in both frequency and magnitude, as they seem to have done/be doing. Allow yourself to be human and trust your H to forgive. It is okay to remember the lessons that make us better people but not to be obsessed by them.

You seem to be maturing well, carry on and I wish you good fortune.


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Did you learn much in college? How much have you tried to forget? Is it prudent to forget important information? Life is a college that we never graduate from. Those of us that experience lessons and learn from them move forward. Those of us that repeat the same mistakes do not grow but rather stagnate. Allow me to break some rather bad news to you. You will make additional mistakes throughout life. If you allow each one to fester and consume you then you will be quite neurotic by life's end.
> 
> If you learn and grow from them then you move forward if you do not then you remain in ignorance and your growth is retarded. You must accept that you are capable of mistakes and put forth additional effort to more thoroughly think things through. As you do your mistakes will lessen in both frequency and magnitude, as they seem to have done/be doing. Allow yourself to be human and trust your H to forgive. It is okay to remember the lessons that make us better people but not to be obsessed by them.
> ...


Thank you. You are so right. I need to move on, but sometimes it hurts knowing that I am the one who caused pain to my DH. I come to a huge realization that my DH is not supposed to always make me happy. I am supposed to make myself happy. When I am happy with myself, I am happy with people around me. When I learn to enjoy free time by myself , I do not feel like I have to blame my DH for my loneliness as I used to. 

My selection of words also affect my DH's response to me. I used to be so so immature. 

My DH did not answer his phone when I called him all evening and it was late. I said "I am worry about your safety. I don't know if you got hurt or had an accident somewhere." and gave him a chance to explain. I used to be like "why the h*ll you did not pick up your da*n phone, jerk!" >

Or " You only care about your friends. You don't care about me or my feeling" and started whining to my DH. Now I would tell him what I think "Your friend had many days off lately and he took his wife to a nice vacation. His wife is back to busy now so he is free to call you to come hang out. His wife always came first and you only come when it is most convenient for your friend, not you. You have been busy all week and we have no time together. You are only free tonight. If it was your friend, do you think he would spend this only free evening with you or with his family?". 

My DH decided to turn his friend down and found a movie to watch with me. I have no problem with my DH hanging out with friends, but I think I have the right to ask him to spend some time with his family. 

Sometimes when I feel upset, I try to keep my mouth shut to avoid saying things I would regret. I would wait to talk about it later. I also learn I don't need to always be right. I would not get a gold medal for being right anyway so who cares as long as I know in my heart what is right or wrong. It makes things easier when I do not have to fight with my Dh for every minor issue.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Candle
> I come to a huge *realization that my DH is not supposed to always make me happy. I am supposed to make myself happy*. When I am happy with myself, I am happy with people around me. When I learn to enjoy free time by myself , I do not feel like I have to blame my DH for my loneliness as I used to.


BINGO!
That great realization that you came to understand is very valuable!
However, if you do not follow through and improve yourself then that wisdom will be worthless!

*What are you doing so that you do not have to try and get your husband to always make you happy?*


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

Mr Blunt said:


> BINGO!
> That great realization that you came to understand is very valuable!
> However, if you do not follow through and improve yourself then that wisdom will be worthless!
> 
> *What are you doing so that you do not have to try and get your husband to always make you happy?*


It's very simple. I just change the way I think and try to view things from my DH's perspective. 

"He is not romantic at all" ==>I will stop that thought and ask myself "what have I done to be romantic to him? probably nothing and just expect him to do it all , what a b*tch>"

"I hate it when he plays computer games"==> "Can I stop drinking coffee or stop doing something I like? If not, why do I expect him to give up something he likes just because I don't like it?".

When my DH tried to tell me something about his work (really boring stuff), I used to tell him "I am watching this movie. Can you tell me that later?" Then it's normal for him to call his mother who loves him unconditionally and would give him her undivided attention.

I could not complaint when I am the one who would not listen to him or to underestimate his ability to understand my problems. I made some changes. When my DH tries to tell me something, I would pause the TV and listen to him. I would give him praises and positive words to make him feel better. When he is stress about his work, I would tell him "Don't worry, I have a job, we will never go hungry even if you lost your job, so there is no reason to feel stress, just enjoy the challenge!" 

When I criticize my Dh's weight, I ask myself "Do I like it when someone criticize the way I look? How would I feel? Do I cook healthy food for him? Do I want someone who judges me to be my spouse?". 

I sometimes imagine my life without my DH and I do not like it at all. I told my DH to imagine his life without me, and he also does not enjoy it. We have to learn to be nice to each other and remind each other when one of us is being mean. 

I am really scared whenever I remind myself that I almost ruined my marriage. Wisdom comes with age (hopefully), I feel lucky to realize how much I care about my Dh when it is still not too late. People do not always die in their old age, they can die of unexpected event like a car accident or even being murdered. It could happen to anyone. I do not want to feel regret for not treating my DH right if something happened to him. Gosh I sound old :grin2:. That's why I respect my DH and older people more now because they had more time to experience and to realize many things. I am not even 30 years, imagine how much I know when I turn 60 years old! (I argue less with my parents now for that reason, they must know things I don't know but I think I know).


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Candle
> It's very simple. I just change the way I think and try to view things from my DH's perspective.
> 
> "He is not romantic at all" ==>I will stop that thought and ask myself "what have I done to be romantic to him? probably nothing and just expect him to do it all , what a b*tach "
> ...



*Your last post was brave and showed some wisdom!*

I hope that your husband has some of that wisdom and also makes changes like you described for yourself if that is what he needs.

From what you have posted your marriage is very salvageable and I see no reason why BOTH of you cannot get the information you need to make your marriage better and the DO IT! *ACTION, ACTIONS by BOTH of you will make your marriage much better.
*

Here is a little bit of advice from someone that has been married longer than you have been alive.

If you and your husband are half decent people and have the basis of real love for each other then here is my advice:

*Get yourself strong enough so that you do not crumble if you and your husband separate.* I am not suggesting that you separate but that you get stronger so that you can be more of a giver than a person that is so dependent on your husband for your self-esteem and confidence. You do not seem like you are that strong yet. Yes, you will need to get love, consideration, praise and emotional support from your husband but you must get strong enough to go on in life if he does not give you all that you want.



> *By Candle*
> I mentioned things like "I am such a horrible person to you" or "when I die, I will not go to heaven with you"...etc.
> 
> Good grief! What kind of faith do you have that will send you to hell because you secretly talked to another man on the internet?


CANDLE, I was NOT trying to be funny with my answer above. You need to seriously get much more wisdom about your Christian faith. Your statement above is a strong indication that you do not know or accept the very basic freedoms and richness of grace, and forgiveness that is offered by your faith. If God forgave Paul for killing Christians, then you talking inappropriately on the internet with a man you should not be talking to is not going to send you to hell! You need to be very confident about that fact.

You need to grow in your maturity and spiritual faith. That is not a put down as that is what most of us need, including myself. You have some wisdom as you have demonstrated by your last post. You are young and have a LOT to live for. Be very diligent in your pursuit of growth so that you are a success. I do not want to see what you have done swept under the rug but your situation is so very fixable and not even close to some of the damage that some has done and have rebounded. I see no reason why you and your husband cannot fix your marriage.

*Do not let only words comfort you, TAKE ACTIONS for you to grow!*


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## oliamble (Jun 1, 2015)

Hang in there in my case I was caught sexting, and they found out con workers more embarrassing. In your case it didn't happen you never approached that man and if that was the case and your husband is willing to forgive you. You deserve a second chance and have learned from this mistake not to ever do it again. Have faith with time it will calm away. You have paid your time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@candle100

I too am a formerly Disloyal Spouse--meaning I also had an online emotional affair. I too am here on this forum almost every day helping people who have discovered their spouse had an affair. Thus, like you, I am reminded of my own past due to helping others struggle with it! 

Here's what I suggest to forgive yourself:

*1) Recognize that GOD has forgiven you*. If you have asked for His forgiveness and truly repented (as in, done a complete U-turn, ended what you were doing and changed) then He promised us that He WILL forgive. God can not break His promises, and He told us specifically " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." --I John 1:9 So the next time you feel "guilty" remind yourself of that verse! Memorize it. Tell yourself that this verse says you are forgiven. It's a guarantee when we confess our sin to Him and repent. 

*2) Remind yourself that your husband has forgiven you.* He is the injured party, and he is the only one who has the "right" to hold onto a grudge and demand recompense, and of his own free will, your husband has released that right for recompense. The debt has been erased. Tell yourself that you are forgiven (again).

Once you've recognized God has forgiven you and your husband has forgiven you, then...

*3) Realize that the only one holding onto this is YOU.* YOU are clinging to this for some reason. Part of your work is going to be examining yourself to see why you are holding onto this: is there some benefit? Do you get attention or compliments by putting yourself down or shaming yourself? Do you get reassurance that you ARE a good person? What is it that you get out of staying attached to this shame? If you can figure this out, then you can choose to find a more healthy way to get what you need! You can say: "Ah ha! I am holding onto my EA because I get reassurance I'm a good person, and I can get that just by asking! I don't need to hold onto it anymore!"

The second part of your work is going to be changing your thinking. Right now I'm VERY glad to see that you have already experienced changing your perspective and then changing your view on things such as your husband and your marriage. You have already changed your thinking patterns in the past, and the result is a more healthy, loving marriage! It's the same here. You feel the guilt. You recognize it's happening. You remind yourself that God and your husband have forgiven you. You remember you are holding onto the guild so you can be reassured that you are a good person and you've matured. SO YOU PURPOSEFULLY TELL YOUR MIND TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THE GUILT. You tell yourself "STOP! That feeling is no longer needed. I let it go! And instead I choose to do ____." 

Finally, one thing I did that really helped me to envision this change of thinking and symbolize the "ending" of the guilt, was that I did a funeral for my guilt. I wrote my exact, more horrible guilt-thoughts exactly as I was ashamed of, and I held a little funeral ceremony to symbolize "letting them go." I went to the garden, to my favorite flower, and I did a "eulogy" for the guilt. Then I burned the paper that had the exact guilt thoughts on it. As the smoke arose into the sky, I envisioned my guilt released and leaving. And the ashes of the burned paper, I dug into the ground around the flower, as a symbol of using what remained of the guilt as something USEFUL to help something beautiful GROW.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I'm generally pretty vicious towards people who have EA but I think you're on the right track. I'm going to stray from the formula and suggest perhaps you don't need MC. Just keep the communication line open with your husband and continue to be good to each other.


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice. Your words opened my eyes to a new perspective. My DH and I are far from perfect. We have our similarities and differences, but I am trying my best to focus on our similarities rather than differences. Sometimes my DH drives me crazy with his differences and I am sure he feels the same way. My Dh and I did not communicate well with each other for a long time because of my lack of interest or his lack of respect for my maturity. We have made a lot of progress together. For instance:

My Dh was annoyed about paying a lot of money to fix a clogged bathroom drain because of my hair. I had a busy and stressful day at work. The first thing I heard when I got home was my Dh's grumpy voice and complaints. I swallowed my pride and told him "I am sorry". He stopped for a second and told me "it's OK." He did not continue to yell at me. I am sure he would if I argued back like I used to do. The old me would be like " sh*t up, you have no idea what I had been through today blah blah so I don't need anymore BS from you". I told him "I feel stress. It was stressful at work. When you yelled at me, I felt more stress. Please calm your voice down for me." My DH asked "why do you feel stress at work?". "My coworkers are on vacation. I have to do their tasks while they are gone and it's a lot to do with little time." My DH told me "It's Ok. They will do your tasks when it's your turn to take vacation." I thought to myself "That's true. I need to stop stressing because it's how life is. I can only do the best I can. My boss will understand." I actually felt much better with his simple answer. 

Another time, my DH and I drove together and stopped at the red light. He saw a homeless man holding a sign begging for money. He made a comment "He could work at a pizza place holding a sign for 8 dollars/hour instead of standing there begging for money". I told him "He might have mental illness or no one would hire him because he has a criminal record." My DH disagreed "I am sure someone will hire him." I said "Would you hire him? When you hire someone, they are your employee and you have certain responsibilities for their actions. Let's say you are aware of his mental illness without treatment and still hire him. He then attacks your customers, how would it affect your business or you?. Do you want to take that risk? Would you still judge the poor homeless man who is unable to find a job or to keep a job?" "He is still someone else loved one or someone else's son". My Dh prayed to God for forgiveness of his judgmental attitude toward the homeless man and prayed for the guy. Sometimes we view things differently, but it's nice to be able to tell each other what we think even on little daily topics. 

A lady was being very rude to me at an office. I saw no point of being rude back (I just thought as long as I got what I need, I would not have to see her again so why bother? She is not a significant part of my life). My Dh stood up for me and told her "Don't you speak to my wife like that! Who is your boss?...." and the lady became nicer to me because she saw my Dh's serious face. I told my DH that she might have a bad day and just took it out on me. My Dh said "it's not only about you. She needs to know she cannot treat customers that way. At least she will be nice to the next customer because she knows not everyone will put up with her attitude. You let her think it's OK to be rude if you don't say anything." I learned something new about my Dh and I am happy to see a different side of him. I have to agree with his point of view this time. 

It takes practice to pay attention to good things about my spouse. It is effortless to notice his flaws lol. It's interesting to realize that I am right but it does not mean my DH is wrong. It is just simply because I have not viewed things from his perspective. 

Anyway, my Dh did something that made me feel so loved and he was not even aware of it. I fell asleep on the couch. He did not wake me up. He went to get a blanket to cover me and got himself a pillow and another blanket. He slept on the floor next to the couch. When I got up, I almost stepped on him because I did not know he was there. I asked him "why are you sleeping on the floor?" He was half asleep "I want to be close to my wife". It made my day. It meant a lot to me when he did it because he wanted to do it. He did not do it because I was complaining about him not giving enough attention to me. 

Life is short. I will enjoy time with my Dh one day at a time and try not to ruin it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Candle

Your last post shows a LOT of Positives by you and your husband!......I noticed that you both were not just concentrating on your own interest but also the interest of others.

With both of you making those kinds of changes and continuely and deligently working at those types of improvements your marriage will be a success!!


Congrats!!!


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## CuriousBlue (Oct 7, 2016)

You really need to move on. Focus on what you did NOT do. Everyone makes mistakes. Focus on the mistakes that you DIDN'T make. Other people do make them.


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