# My wife is a member, but doesn't know I'm here.



## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

So I found my wife had posted on this site 5 years ago and now I've joined. Things are no better and I'm probably 90% the problem. I've reached an end to my rope. I'm currently in the Army. I've deployed to combat 5 times since 2003 and only just realized that that is probably a huge factor in the problems I possess. I have a hard time talking to anyone about anything. I have severe anxiety and paranoia issues. This has caused an immeasurable strain on my marriage. I'm now scared that my wife has giving up on me and I can't really blame her. Do I tell her that I found her posts on this site? I wanna tell her that I'm ready for help, but I'm about 5 or 6 years late. Please help.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Are you getting help though the services offered by the military? If not, why not?

Summarize what you wife said in her posts. Don't tell her, at least not yet. She will view this as spying. If you have to say something, you can tell you joined a marriage forum to help you with your issues and to help YOU improve your marriage. Don't tell her which forum, but if she asks tell her its called Talk About Marriage. 

Let's here your story first.


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

My story.....it's too long. I recently started seeing a therapist. I've only been a few times. My wife knows about it. I continue to make weekly visits when I can. We've been married for 9 years, but together for more like 12. We have 3 kids. A 17 year old little girl who is not biologically mine, but she's really been mine since she was just a little thing. We also have 4 year old twin boys. Mine and my daughters relationship is pretty bad. I think probably my inability to really talk to my wife has been my downfall. I've been 100% faithful in our marriage and I'm pretty sure she has. I did suspect something one time years ago. My wife has accused me numerous times about cheating though, but I swear to you I haven't. One of these was during our twins pregnancy. We were in a fight. My boys ended up being born 3 months early and nearly didn't make it. I think my wife blames me for this. My boys are fine now. It's a miracle. But I feel pretty guilty about it. Our intimacy level has decreased to nothing. I just don't know what to do. I'm even having a hard time talking to this therapist. It's my own fault. I've let things stack up to the point where I'm overwhelmed. I show signs of severe depression. That's what a book says anyway. The truth is, if I didn't have my wife and kids, I'm not sure how I would function.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you have PTSD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@SecretlyHere The more you post, the more we can help. More details are better. We have seen some really long stories. As for cheating, your definition and your wife's definition may be different. Emotional affairs really do exist and if you had one or had an emotional connection with another woman, that would be cheating by TAM standards, even if there was no physical intimacy. What lead your wife to think you were cheating? 

Lots of guys have a hard time talking about there problems, me included. You would be surprised what we reveal here on TAM once we are comfortable posting. Remember, you are anonymous. We do not know who you are and never will. 

What is your wife's story of 5 years ago?

Are you still being deployed now or again in future or are you back in US for good? That matters. 

Are you taking any meds for anxiety?


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

I don't really know. There are guys that had it way worse than me on deployment. My wife believes the deployments have affected me. I believe her now.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

SecretlyHere said:


> I don't really know. There are guys that had it way worse than me on deployment. My wife believes the deployments have affected me. I believe her now.


They are bound ti have an affect on you. Keep talking to your therapist. Stay strong and positive. Let your wife know you love her and let her know you are determinded


Thank you for your service and sacrafice. I just hate that your sacrafice was so steep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing that made my wife suspicious was really silly looking back. A girl from my language class drove me home one day after my truck overheated. Nothing more. But now where I messed up. My wife was pregnant and I felt like I knew she would be mad if a girl drove me home. I lied and said it was someone different. I know I was wrong. That caused a huge fight and probably led to my twins being born that early. I am not taking any medication for depression or anxiety. I fear this would affect my career and/or my security clearance. My job in the Army is not what one would call "regular". I'm even skeptical about seeing the therapist I currently see, but I continue to go when I can.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The biggest thing you can do is set down with your wife and tell her where you're at and what you're doing. However, your actions will speak louder than words.

If I were you I'd read His Needs, Her Needs with your wife. Maybe the best ever written.

In the future honesty is the best policy. The truth is always best.

Take a look back and see what that's gotten you.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Call your local VFW and see if they have a support group if anything maybe they know a head shrinker with combat vet experience or maybe you can start a group yourself remember your leadership skills the optics of that is you are helping others

The VFW will probably have info for a support group for wifes and kids too


Also any one who joins the military is a little nuts, normal people dont take a bath with baby wipes for weeks or months at a time or get promotion points for being the best shot. so let's sweep the label nuts off the table and think about the fact you had 5 combat vacations where normal does not exist and the absurd rules, if you returned home the same way you left mentality then you would need to worry my friend

Talk to your wife and love her she is your battle buddy too


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

Thank you Dash74. My plan is to continue with this therapist and see about actual marriage counseling. I'm just scared I'm too late. I think the Army may have completely ruined my life and I still have several years left in here. I need to find out if my wife is even interested in me anymore. That's not really something you just ask one day. Thank you to everyone who has commented here. I would really like it if we could keep talking within this thread. It's easier for me.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You sound like my H. He's Air Force, and has deployed 7 times. He swears he hasn't "technically" cheated on his deployments, but I doubt him. He was involved in an emotional affair with one girl (and I say girl because she was like 22.) I was pregnant at the time he did this too which caused big issues with my pregnancy. He also had an affair early in our relationship as well. 

The story here is just so similar to mine. We also have 3 kids, one not biologically his. He still has 8 years until retirement.

What I've been begging my H to do:

*STOP LYING TO ME. This is such a huge problem for us. He can't NOT lie and it makes me resent him so much.
*TALK TO ME. He never tells me anything. Ever. In our 7.5 years together he's never told me if he was upset, angry, hurt, happy, bored, nothing. I can't fix what I don't know is broken. 
*Gain some self confidence. Tell me what you're feeling and MEAN it. Do not back peddle when you think I don't agree with you. I love the fact that my H has opinions of his own and we don't always have to agree on those opinions. I would be happy to debate with him sometimes instead of him just agreeing with me and covering his feelings up.
*Get into counseling. He needs it. Badly.
*Have some self control. He has a porn issue that has really caused a giant rift in our relationship. He also said it contributed to his cheating. 

There is more, But I have to get going now. I will be back on later this evening to check up on this thread. I would like to contribute some more, if that's okay. 

I wish you well and the other have given you excellent advice with speaking to someone about PTSD. It's probably there. The sooner you open up to that, the better off you might be in the long run. You can still make it through


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

staarz21, 
Thanks for the comment. I've actually never cheated even once in my marriage. That's just not something I would do. I'm guilty of feeling numb to a lot of my wife's feelings. I've told my wife that I am willing to get some help for whatever I have going on mentally. I've only recently been able to admit it. And I have to find time for some marriage counseling too. My wife says that me being able to talk will help a lot, but I just don't understand how yet. 

Blueinbr, 
My job requires a lot of deployments so I will be going back. There is no way around that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give us info about your wife posting here. It would help us to see what SHE was feeling.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

SecretlyHere said:


> staarz21,
> Thanks for the comment. I've actually never cheated even once in my marriage. That's just not something I would do. I'm guilty of feeling numb to a lot of my wife's feelings. I've told my wife that I am willing to get some help for whatever I have going on mentally. I've only recently been able to admit it. And I have to find time for some marriage counseling too. My wife says that me being able to talk will help a lot, but I just don't understand how yet.
> 
> Blueinbr,
> My job requires a lot of deployments so I will be going back. There is no way around that.


My H's job does as well. He will definitely be going back out. I didn't mean to imply that you cheated on her or anything. That was just my specific story. 

The best you can do is just talk to her. At first, she might talk about how she is feeling, instead of listening to how you're feeling. Listen to what she says and take action. Don't just say you're going to do something, you have to actually do it. 

Explain to her that you've been suffering. That you know you've have some shortcomings but that you're really wanting to make things right. The big thing is action. You can say you're going to do things or change all day long, but if you don't actually do it, or show it, she will never come around. 

My H is big on saying he wants to change, but never does. He's comfortable where he is. If he leaves that comfort zone, he freaks out. I am more than understanding in this department. but it does take a toll on a person. Any other woman would have left him a long time ago. But I've stayed by him because I know he is suffering. But his suffering is starting to make me suffer and there is a point where I am going to need to protect my sanity. I want someone to care about me - and he only seems to care about himself. 

I don't think this is you, I am just throwing stuff out there.

If you could direct us to what maybe your W has written here about the problems she has, it would be helpful to know where she is coming from. Maybe just summarize if you don't want her to know you're here. 

The military life is hard. Marriage is hard. Combining the two takes a crazy amount of strength and patience.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Secret, you know this is a marriage site of course. Have you joined other forums/sites to help with your anxiety and paranoia issues?


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

staarz21, 
I don't think she has been active on this site for years, but I'm still rolling the dice if I don't want her to know I'm here. She might would not be mad anyway as I'm not trying to be sneaky. I'll just paste a post of hers. There were only a few anyway. Please realize this is a very old post of hers. 

(Wife): I guess I'll start by saying that I have been married to my current husband for over 4 years and we have been together for over 7. I was married before and I have an 11 year old daughter from that marriage. 

I guess you could say we have had a lot of ups and downs along the way but this last year has been down right awful. My husband is in the Army and he has been deployed 4 times. Since he returned from the last deployment he hasn't been the same. We fight and it's bad. Mainly what happens is he just ignores me for hours and even days. He will not talk to me and is completely shut off. We never solve any problems we just sweep them under the rug. The only way we end a fight is if I apologize or just act like it never happened. He is never wrong. No matter what. He blames me for everything. I feel completely neglected and rejected emotionally. Sometimes I just sob because I am at such a lose. Then he tells me I am crazy and in his words "losing it". He won't go to counseling. He says there is nothing wrong with him. It's just me. 

I don't have anyone to talk to. All my family and friends live out of town. And we are so good at acting no one in my family even has a clue that we are having problems. They think we are perfect. I have only talked to my best friend about it and she thinks I should just pack up and leave. I wish it were that easy. I am completely dependent on him financially and so is my daughter. I feel trapped even if I tried to leave.

I would like my marriage to work. But I don't think my husband will ever change. I am so lonely and very depressed. I feel like I am losing it. I don't really even know who I am anymore. This relationship has turned me into such a cold and bitter person.

I can show you all more if you think it would help, but they usually boil down to me not being able to communicate well. If it matters, we've never gotten physical during any fights. She mentions numerous times that I never talk about anything and it's true. I've just never been good at it. Thanks staarz21. 

Blueinbr, 
I understand where I'm at. I'm here because I found my wife here and saw how nice people were. I thought maybe I could just get some ideas from people with similar marriage issues. As I said before, I'm currently seeing someone for some help with other issues I have that may not be marriage related. I appreciate you all talking to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, so she wrote this ~5 years ago...by now she's either stopped loving you and just settled to a life she hates or miraculously still loves you. In either case, I would think that since her issue with you is that she felt you were closed off, the only solution is to STOP being closed off. In other words, tell her everything. Be 100% honest. Share your feelings. Tell her what you're prepared to know. Tell her what you told us. Ask her what it will take to make her happy.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I know it's easier said than done to all of a sudden open up and start talking about your feelings. 

Each time my H returns from a deployment, we have a period of time where he is overwhelmed by everything going on at home. He feels like we don't need him because during the time he is gone, I take care of everything. It becomes routine. I mow, I fix stuff around the house, I have the kids, I'm making sure maintenance is done to vehicles and the home...so he feels like when he comes home, there is nothing for him to do. I thought this was a good thing, but it makes him feel less needed and wanted. As a result, he can sometimes become closed off after these deployments. He will just shut down. I've had to adjust how I do things when he returns to include him so that he would be more...open to spending time with us. 

Outside of that, he just doesn't talk. Like I mentioned earlier, he has never told me if he's unhappy. He's never told me if he's annoyed, sad, hurting....nothing. He lives everyday just passively agreeing with me and it feels like it's just so I will stop talking to him. For the most part, I have. 

It gets so lonely when your partner can't communicate with you. So, the hard part for you would be to try and stretch your comfort zone just a little each time and pick a topic to talk with her about. If your deployments have been hard on you, tell her this. She can't possibly understand what you're going through. We spouses like to think we can relate, but there is just no way to unless we've been there ourselves... It's downright horrible. 

You don't think she would understand about you coming here to get help? or maybe just to talk to people in general? You can say you were browsing and found her, but that you weren't looking for her, exactly (unless you were, which I think is still okay). I would be thrilled if my H joined the forum. It would mean he's at least trying to get non bias information - and he wouldn't be able to lie, because I'm here  

You mentioned that she posted here 5-ish years ago. If she posted that 5 years ago, how are you all doing today? Is she still even talking to you? 5 years is a long time on top of the time she was already feeling this way. I'm not trying to scare you, because I don't know your W, but at this point, if no changes have been made....you have a long, hard road ahead of you. She may not even want to put forth the effort anymore after all of this time. I really hope that's not the case. I do believe that frequent deployers like yourself and my H do deserve extra patience and understanding - but again, everyone has limits. I really do hope this all works out for you.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

As a wife of a man who also could not communicate, I will tell you the only way to save your marriage is to open up! Mine is over now, because he finally decided to leave for another woman rather than fix stuff with us (we tried counseling but he only went to one therapy session… didn't invest in trying to open up to me and working with me). That piece you wrote from your wife, could have been written by me 10 years ago! My STBX is not military, but he traveled for work all the time, so never home. When he was home, I could tell when something was off, but I could never get him to talk to me. I thought about pulling the plug a couple times myself, but I meant my vows, and more so, I didn't want to walk away when we had kids at home, and there was still some hope. I was determined to get my kids off into the world and didn't want a divorce to upset them, so I never would have walked away while they were at home still. Sometimes I would find pieces he wrote, like in a diary type of thing, and that hurt way worse than if he had just sat down and TOLD me stuff. I'm serious! If he could have told me flat out what was bothering him, I know we'd still be together. I also very much lacked any emotional support from him. I would try to talk, but he would glaze over and tune me out. I could see it. It was frustrating. He'd be gone for so long, and then I felt like I had to compete with the TV or a book for his attention. I was STUCK at home with two kids only 18 months apart and had NO real adult conversation other than with my mother or my sister. I NEEDED him to ask me stuff, tell me this or that would be ok, just be listening and caring what I said. Instead he closed off and wouldn't even argue with (Like Staarz, I'd have debated and had more respect if he actually engaged), and eventually he chose to find himself and his voice in another, much younger woman. Even with all we've been through, I do still love my husband, and we have a friendly relationship. We have two kids together (youngest headed off to college this fall, so I probably will start to see less and less of him unfortunately). But he hurt me immensely by turning to another and that was the end. So I'm glad you have not cheated. It might be hard to convince your wife of that, but keep reinforcing it. When you do tell her that, look in her eyes and tell her. Don't get angry with her that she doesn't believe you. You have never given her the right kind of support and reassurance so she doesn't know what to believe. 

If she's still with you, all may not be lost, but if you don't do something to fix your lack of communication, it WILL be over once your boys are older. Basically you have nothing to lose by opening up. The only risk is that you find out now instead of 5 or 10 years from now the marriage is over ( again, because it will be over if you continue to ignore this). Even if she says she's not sure and it's too late, it may not be too late if you honestly open up to her and you really learn to talk. You might find she's your biggest help and biggest ally too. Get the counseling! If you can listen to her too, you have a shot. If you can break through that wall of silence you have, you might be able to salvage and have a rewarding relationship. My STBX would even practice certain conversations in his head (he has told me since we split), but something always stopped him. Funny enough, we can communicate much better now, but eerily, not really face to face. I have written some heartfelt emails to him since we separated, and he has actually responded and opened up some. Not great, but some. At one point I even pointed out to him that if we'd had just a smidgeon of this communication, we'd probably still be married. Now our kids are almost out of the house and a new phase of life is starting, and I can tell on his part he still is unsettled with his choices. So it's NOT easier to just walk away either. 

As far as your depression, PTSD, anxiety and paranoia, there most definitely clinical help for that. I have no idea how any of that would effect your military position, but I seriously would recommend seeing a doctor. I can't believe the military does not have some help for that. Every single man and woman who deploys is at high risk of suffering the same things. But being military, it's also common to remain stoic and bottle it up. (I have two close family members now retired marines, one of who spent three tours in Iraq). I myself have chronic panic disorder. At one point in my life, anxiety attacks were almost debilitating, and very scary because I didn't understand what it was (started shortly after birth of first child). But now I recognize it for what it is, and know how to keep it at bay. It really sucks to deal with, but dealing with it head-on is MUCH better than trying to hide it from everyone. 

I wish you luck. It you want your marriage, fight for it like you fight for everything else in your life. You'll have to go out of your comfort zone, but once you do, it gets easier and easier. Also once you do, really learn and focus on those personal skills. It probably will never be automatic for you, but you can make it much better. And let your wife help you with it. It's a journey to be taken together.


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

staarz21, 
Yea, its been 5 years or so. She still talks to me and a lot of the time we just act like nothing is wrong. When a fight or argument comes up though, it's always blown way out of proportion. Also, I'm almost positive she wouldn't mind me being here, but I don't want to explain how I ended up on the same site as her. Thanks.

SawbladeLily, 
I came right out last night over a text message and told her that I was getting help and realized that I have a problem. She told me that was good and that she loved me. She told me it wasn't that simple and that she had been hurt and lonely for a long time. She told me she would like things to get better, but that it was hard for her to imagine it. I asked her if I was too late and she said she didn't know, but that she was still here. My fear is that she's only still around because of stability. I mean, how would I ever know other wise? I literally haven't cuddled with my wife in probably a year or more. I would love to just lay in a bed with her. I'm terrified she doesn't want that though. My stress and anxiety are getting the best of me lately. It's uncontrollable at times. I'm not violent, but I do have anger problems. She actually understands this too. 

I would love for yall to keep talking to me.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

That is good news! She's listening…

She's protecting herself from more hurt and more disappointment. She very well could be there for the security and the fact you have two little boys, but it's not too late to save that! You have an open door! Keep on going. You've said it, now she's going to be waiting to see if you mean it, and if you really CAN work on it, or are you going to throw in the towel and slip back into the old ways. She needs to see you are going to work through this, and that you can change or open up, and stay that way. This is a positive step! 

I understand wanting to keep the communication going on this website too. When I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, we had NO idea what it was, or how to deal with it. In hindsight I had symptoms for years but just attributed everything to high stress, fast-paced work environment. But when my first-born came, that hormonal upheaval compounded it all 100-fold. It's funny how I can look back now and see it so clearly. If only I had had a medical professional that recognized it and understood it, and help me with it. It took years. Talking about it with people helped me greatly, and ultimately lead me to changing doctors, more than once, and figuring it out. You would benefit from the same. Counseling by a professional can really help if you are open to it. I used to poo-poo the "psycho-babble", but if you can have someone who knows their salt, not just someone who says "and how does that make you feel", then it really can help. What you don't need is someone telling you to man-up either. I come from a family who thinks "being stressed" is a sign of weakness. What do you have to be stressed about, they would say, and very dismissive. That does not help, and I wonder if that is a military attitude too. But I do know there are resources for military personnel too, if you can make yourself look for it. 

You might find that as you open up more and more, things start tumbling out too. You may be afraid that your wife in it for the security, but you need to break down those barriers while she IS still there and not too late. You will need to reinforce this every single day you can with your wife. Every day, show her you are trying…. not just trying in your own head because she has NO way of knowing that. You need to show her you are opening up. You can and will get stronger from it. Also, never assume that things are just fine so you don't need to talk anymore. You need to make a concerted effort to do this, and every day do something for yourself in this direction, then it can become habit and normal for you. Also remember HER needs. I'm willing to bet, more than anything she wants a partner. Take the time to ask her how she is doing. If you are like my STBX, that doesn't come natural either. But if you can learn how to ask and pay attention to her too, really pay attention to what she's telling you and respond in a meaningful way, that will help too. If she starts to sense that you really are trying, really want it to work, she'll respond too, but it's going to take a while to prove to her that you can do this. I know if my STBX came back and tried all this, I'd be feeling skeptical, and wonder how long until the next shut-down. It has to be exhausting taking care of 4 year old twins. My kids were no twins, but only 18 months apart, so close. Those years were my WORST. I had no time to rest or time for myself. I had only my mother for deep adult conversation (and thank God for that, otherwise I would have gone nuts). It gets better once the kids are older and can fend for themselves more. 

When you deploy, do you have access to constant communication?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask her to go to MC with you so she can share her hurt.


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## SecretlyHere (Feb 29, 2016)

SawbladeLily, 
I've had deployments where I was lucky enough to be able to call home or email almost at will. There have also been times when I had to find a SAT phone to call home with because I may have been scared I wasn't gonna make it home. And finally, there were occasions where we would go long periods of time without being able to talk. What's really weird is that our relationship seemed good on all those deployments. It's like me being home is causing problems. I don't mean for this to sound like a dumb question, but how exactly do I show her that I'm "opening up"? I'm just not good at it. I'm so desperate that I'll try anything. 

turnera, 
I fully intend on seeking MC. I know this sounds crappy, but I don't know how we'll find time to go. How often do people usually go for? Once a week or so? I see my current therapist weekly when I can, but we haven't discussed marriage. I'm sure I could bring it up though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Once every couple weeks, if possible.


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