# Think It May Be Too Late For Us



## stillinlovewithhim

First post here.

Three years divorced. Still in love with him. Have tried to reach out but he only responds if it has to do with catching up with the children needing money. Both children are young adults. One is already out the door and at university. The younger one will be going next year.

No regrets about the divorce as it was an unhappy situation. Post divorce, I have my own life, moved past being angry to wanting to have a working parenting relationship to wanting to try to date him again and see where this goes.

Don't want someone new as met him when I was nineteen and we were married eighteen years. We have been in each other's lives for twenty-seven years. He has always been the love of my life. 

Having had time to reflect, I realise, neither of us knew how to make each other happy or how to make this a priority. We both wanted to be right and to fix each other's flaws. Both of us were too stubborn to stop judging each other so harshly. His mid life crisis was the death-nail for our marriage.

I invited him for Christmas with us but he wouldn't come. Instead he spent it with his single friends and rang to wish us a merry christmas. It would been his first christmas with us as a family since the divorce. I thought it would be a good idea to have him around our young adult children as he has not seen them since the divorce. Our children choose not to see him because of his behaviour towards all of us before and during our divorce.

Maybe I am deluding myself but in my heart I believe he still loves me hence his determination to avoid all physical contact and keep phone communications to bare essentials. 

The problem I see is his need to live his life chasing after the approval of his family and friends. Since the divorce, both his friends and family, have treated him as the wounded party and keep reinforcing him treating me as the enemy. As long as he sees them, as being the ones on his side and acting in his best interest, I don't see much hope for us.

Everytime he softens towards me and we start to be able to talk to each other and start to relate to each other, he will drop off my radar, only to pop up again as and when he chooses to check up on what is going on with our young adult children.

Maybe, it is my fear of letting go and meeting someone new, that is keeping me holding out hope and wanting him more and more. I have never been with anyone but him and want only him.

I know I sound pathetic but I really want for us to try and start of as friends, start to date and build something new, completely different from what we had before. I would like us to carry on with our lives and figure out a way to be together that will work for us and not based on what other people expect. His family have been warning him about me going crawling back to him desperate to return to the marital home. I have my own life and have no interest in living in the same house or town where all the sad things happened. My hope is we can make a fresh start just not with someone new.

I also know his family and friends will never approve as his isolation makes him depend on them in ways they did not have when we were married. I had a similar problem with my family but my dear mother has been the sole exception as she knows what it is to get divorced after a long marriage. 

I have taken her advice to follow my heart and see where it takes me. I have reached out to him with subtle hints but not outright, "I want you back", talk. He can see I have moved a long way from the anger of the divorce but I am not sure he is capable of moving past his anger, not as long as he has his supporters encouraging him, to forget about me and move on.

I have decided to step back and not push it but I am struggling with this decision. Should I come out and say what I want when he does get in touch or leave him to figure things out for himself? Part of me is already gearing for the possibility, he will never connect with me and if this is how things turn out, I will have to let him go and open my heart to meeting someone new.

Any advice or some male perspective, to explain what could be going on with him, would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl

It seems to be that his not communicating much with you is because he senses what you feel and he's not interested.

Getting on with your life is the healthiest thing you could do. You don't need to cut him out of your life, but you should let others in. Believe me, if you meet someone new you might find that you have something much better than you ever had with him. But you will never find out pining away for a man who did not care enough to keep his family together.


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## stillinlovewithhim

Thanks EleGirl

As for him not being willing to fight to keep his family together, I think a lot of it is pride, about not wanting to be seen to have gone back to the ex wife. The problem with a divorce is it forces family and friends to become involved in the fall out. 

Unfortunately, family and friends find it very difficult to move past the annymosity of the divorce. It takes some serious courage for a divorced person, to turn away from this support network, with their never ending advice and opinions. It is a lot easier to start something new and have the new person accepted into the family fold.

I am giving it until my youngest leaves home next year. After that I will be moving on with my life. 

I just don't want to live with the regret of not having tried. It is so easy to rush off into new relationships because the pressure is on to show that you have got over your ex.

I need to work through grieving the loss of my marriage before I can be ready for another relationship.


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## EleGirl

There are two different things here. 

The first one is ending the marriage and moving on... meaning making a life of your own. This does not have anything to do with another relationship. This is when you start really grieving your loss.

The second is when and if you want to get into another relationship.

Your husband has not filed for divorce. This might indicate that he has not totally given up on the marriage. Your filing for divorce could wake him up... make it real that he just might really lose you. Remember that even after a divorce is filed, it can be retracted at any time before the divorce is final.


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## pidge70

EleGirl said:


> There are two different things here.
> 
> The first one is ending the marriage and moving on... meaning making a life of your own. This does not have anything to do with another relationship. This is when you start really grieving your loss.
> 
> The second is when and if you want to get into another relationship.
> 
> Your husband has not filed for divorce. This might indicate that he has not totally given up on the marriage. Your filing for divorce could wake him up... make it real that he just might really lose you. Remember that even after a divorce is filed, it can be retracted at any time before the divorce is final.


I believe you missed the first line of her post. They have been divorced for 3 years now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

You don't sound pathetic at all. Logic doesn't hold much water when it comes to loving someone, so don't try to force it upon yourself. If you haven't moved on, there's a reason. Whatever that reason might be you need to pursue it to the very end and get a satisfactory closure.

I say this because I have had my awakening and came to terms with my feelings for my wife. She left me a month ago and is dead set on getting divorced. She's hurt me so much I don't even know how I'm alive, but I have decided to unconditionally love her till I simply can't. I've decided to let her know about this and do not expect anything in return.

Believe it or not, it feels so fulfilling to love someone unconditionally. I don't know if it's sustainable for a lifetime but it's definitely one of the best feelings I've ever had in life.

My wife is cold and unresponsive to me. I'm willing to accept this for as long as I can. I think I can take it for a very long time and perhaps after so long, she will finally believe in my true feelings and come back to me. If not, then I will feel content with having tried all I could and expressed my true feelings.

Read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...-wife-letter-i-actually-mean-love-myself.html


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## stillinlovewithhim

Synthetic, thanks for the support.

I have read your letter to your wife. All I can say is Wow! I admire your courage in baring your soul to her. Makes my text message to my ex look seriously unimpressive. 

I sent him a text thanking him for the gift of our children and the funny ways they are so like both of us at the same time and yet are so unique. He never replied. Like you, I felt happier for putting it out there. Let him do with it what he will.


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## synthetic

Oh believe me, that letter came after 11 years of going back and forth with my own feelings wondering if I truly love her or I just want to control how she feels about me.

I finally broke down. I read a very short text on a random discussion board (not here) and it infiltrated my brain like a hammer drill. It was painful but pleasant. It was simple words about unconditional love. Very simple and nothing special, but it enabled me to finally erase all traces of unnecessary pride/insecurity in me. The very next feeling I experienced was deep sadness of missing my beautiful wife. She's not my soul mate. She's not the best wife on earth. She's not the answer to all the questions I have in life, but I can sincerely love her without expecting to be loved back the same way. 

That was enough for me to believe that my purpose of existence is to provide this girl with the love and care she deserves. 

Who knows? Maybe in another lifetime someone will be born to do the exact same thing for me. 

Pride has its advantages, but I think I saw more disadvantages in employing it than otherwise. I have decided to completely set pride aside for now until I feel it's safe for it to return. I'm amazed I'm even saying this. All my life I've been raised to be proud, protective and to love myself more than everyone. That formula clearly doesn't work for me as it made me a miserable soul with a run away wife and a broken marriage.

No more.

I have a mission to complete.


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## CantSitStill

I always give people the advice to not depend on anyone else for your own happiness because it wouldn't be fair to that person...but I also see everyone tends to do that to a point
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy

@Cant,
I've learned the extreme hard way (due to my wife wanting a divorce with the I love you but not in love with you) that I need to depend on myself for happiness. I don't get to see her now like I did for 11 years, I don't get to see my kids on a daily basis. This is living hell. I hope for everyone who gets a possible chance at reconciliation, because I don't see that in my future (based upon what my wife says).


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## dymo

Why did the two of you divorce in the first place? Did he want the divorce? Why is it that his family and friends are siding with him, and do they have good reason? 

After 3 years divorced, he has no reason to believe you now want him back. Especially if you wanted the divorce in the first place. Subtle hints won't cut it. From his point of view, it's just messing with his head. 

If you want him back, tell him. Maybe he'll be open to it, or maybe he's already moved on. There's only one way to find out.


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## stillinlovewithhim

Being accused of somehow being deserving of his family and friends being against me, is just mean, especially when my second post makes it clear about how sides are taken in a divorce and how hard it is for those offering the support, to relinquish carrying on the feud against the ex of their friend or family member. As this standing together thing becomes a big part of how they relate to the person they are supporting. There is also a new found togetherness between the person who has got divorced and their family and friends, which is hard to give up especially following the partial availability to family and friends that occurs when someone is married.

I had the same sort of support with my own family and friends but I realised they were keeping me stuck in being angry at my ex about what had happened in the divorce and blaming him for what had gone wrong in our marriage. My family and friends had rallied round when I was going through the divorce and when I was starting out as a divorcee but I needed space to find my own way to make peace with what had happened. It is very hard to do this when you are surrounded by people who go to war every time your ex is mentioned. It is not their fault as they can only go on the information you provided when everything was at its worst in the marriage and during the divorce.

As for pushing for a reconciliation, in a lot of cases, it can prove necessary to let matters run their course. I have noticed the desperate haste, of one part of a couple, to reconcile in the middle of the fighting when everything is still raw and there has not been enough time to heal. This is ok if you are both on the same page of trying to hang in there and not allow any form of long term separation to take place.

However, a lot of the time, as in my case, it is necessary for the old relationship to end and for a period of healing and recovery to take place before there can be any meaningful attempt at considering reconciling with the ex. 

I have found a great thread on another forum where there are over a hundred posts, from people who have found their way back to their ex husband's and wives, years after being divorced. My three years is nothing compared to some of the people on there who have been divorced for five plus more years before they both arrived at a point where they wanted to build something new with their ex. I am not sure I am allowed to post a link on here so just sharing this with you.

The key here is wanting to build something new with your ex, so you can be each other's second chances or third chances, in some of these cases. It is not about fighting to maintain what you had because time apart does give you enough time to heal and to realise your own part in the failure of your marriage and how you were both failing to make each other happy. 

The main problem is if and when a divorced couple can ever be in a position to arrive at the same realisations in their journey after the divorce. Or be forever parted because one is holding onto the anger and the other has owned what has happened and forgiven themselves and the other person for what they both got wrong. This is not something that can be rushed or imposed on the other person who is still locked in holding onto the negative view of their ex.

All I can do is to get on with living my new life as a divorcee whilst trying to develop and maintain a friendly relationship with my ex husband that might be a foundation for something more as we get to know each other all over again. It might never go anywhere as he may choose to pair up with someone else but I can live with this if this is how it plays out as I love him enough to be happy for him if he can find peace and happiness in his life. I might end up being the one who meets someone new and then decide to move onto this new relationship but will be doing so, in the full knowledge, I did what I could but my ex was not ready or willing to try to reconnect with me.

For the record, I am not depending on my ex husband to make me happy, as I have a lot of joy and fun in my life and actually feel quite contented. I just wish to share this with him and for him to take his place in our family unit instead of being outside of it.


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## stillinlovewithhim

Rome2012 - This is for you.

Replied to your PM.

Hope things work out for you with your ex H but if they don't, get on with your life, living and growing in your confidence and ability to take care of yourself and your children. Find ways to earn your own money and work to a plan of having your own home if you are still living with him. Nothing good will come from hanging around and looking like you are waiting for him to take you back. Live your life and leave him to grow up in his own time. 

He will never face up to what he has thrown away until you are out of his reach and glowing from a life well lived that is not dependent on him giving you permission to be happy. He might never get it and forever play the wronged party. 

Even if you set about crawling on all fours and let him ride on your back to get around the house - you can't make him love you enough or respect you enough to marry you for a second time. It is something he has to arrive at in his own way.


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## stillinlovewithhim

Update

My ex and I are texting. He got in touch about one of our children's university options and hasn't stopped since. Just friendly chat and loads of laughs about things we are up to plus have in common.

Not reading anything into this or expecting something to develop. I am seeing it as more a symptom of letting go of the anger on both our parts and trying to find a way to both be parents to our children who are young adults.

Will keep you posted.


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## stillinlovewithhim

He has asked to meet up for a meal. Just the two of us. This means he will be travelling across country to see me.

Anxious and excited. :smthumbup:

Will post after the event.


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## stillinlovewithhim

Met him. Helped me remember why I divorced him. 

I am finally done with that chapter of my life. 

Should have listened to my children's warnings and reminders about his hateful and vindictive nature. Getting a new phone. He can find a new texting friend.

Feeling light and feeling free. :smthumbup:

I am no longer stillinlovewithhim but finallydonewithhim.

Good luck to those of you still trying to get back with your ex.


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## waroftheroses

Still
So happy you got closure and saw the light....best wishes on your new journey...x


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