# Cheating before marriage



## Mama2016 (Jun 20, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for over 12 years. From his fb comment to his local friends, I was able to discover information on what "eating fish once in a while is good but it's not good to eat it for life" meant. He mentioned that it had been more than 10 years. I confronted him and he denied at first but later admitted that he was sleeping with her while he was with me early in our relationship, but before we were married. I feel betrayed, cheated, and like I do not know who he is anymore. I feel like our relationship has been a lie all this time. When I asked for more information, he will tell me to just get over it because it happened so long ago but I just found out about this. I've tried explaining how hurt I feel, but he has blamed me for "looking" for information to be angry about. 

At one point he said that she was only a friend with benefit in which the relationship ended when she decided to marry someone else. I think he meant to say that he didn't love her, but this makes it even more disgusting to me. All his buddies have jokes around his relationship with her, and only recently have I caught on. He said she was part of the boys in which he benefited more from it. At one point he even said that he was not cheating on me with her, he was cheating on her with me. Or that he didn't know we were serious and exclusive at the time. 

What makes me angry is that he blames it on me. He doesn't understand how I feel and tells me to grow up. I feel like I'm grieving for a lost partner and innocent marriage. He has gone on to make fun of me because he is my only sexual partner and flaunts his past sexual experiences in my face. Am I just being too sensitive? 

My impression of him now is basically he is a liar, will tell whatever lie for sex. He is easy and was a man *****. I don't know why I married him anymore. I feel like moving across the country so that he could be closer to his friends/family was a huge mistake. What would u do if after u married someone, u learn about their hideous sexual experiences including those that happened when he was dating u? Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beeloni (Aug 29, 2016)

First of all, it may be old news to him but it's new to you. Yes, it may have happened when you two weren't committed to each other but it's still not an easy thing to hear. He could at least comfort you and let you know how much you mean to him (that's why he picked you, right?!). 

However he sounds like an immature jerk. He's still talking about this (10 years later) with his friends via some juvenile joke, he doesn't try to see it from your point of view, and then " He has gone on to make fun of me because he is my only sexual partner and flaunts his past sexual experiences in my face." Wtf?! How old is he? He "makes fun" of you about having had only him as a partner - he sounds like a little brother, not a loving, mature husband. And why is he trying to hurt you by "flaunting" past experiences on you? 

I think the girl he was with at the beginning of your relationship is the tip of the iceberg. He seems to have no respect for you. I would suggest some kind of counseling - marriage and/or individual. 

Personally if a partner had made fun of me for being sexually less experienced, I probably would have told him that he may have been my first, but keep up this s*** and he definitely wouldn't be my last. But that's just me.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Run, run fast, run long. 

He doesn't and never will understand you.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

From what you write, he is minimizing something very significant.
and he is being a jerk about it.

I dont blame your feelings. I would feel the same. 

Your husband ought to own up to his skankiness, apologize, tell you, you are his one and only.
and if he was a real man, let his freinds know that it was a big mistake and he was a jerk.

there's no difference between a man***** and a woman******, no matter what good 'ol boys might think.


----------



## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

This is nothing to throw a marriage away over, assuming no one was married in this triad at the time.

At a minimum, your husband needs to be completely honest with you about the other woman, the timeline, and any details you want.

If it turns out you were married when he slept with her, you may want to reconsider keeping him as your husband.

He doesn't sound like the type to be totally honest with you, so it may take some leverage.


----------



## Mama2016 (Jun 20, 2016)

Thank you for all your honest replies. I just feel like I can't get over this emotional feeling of being betrayed. I trusted him and he lied to me, from the beginning. Period. 

He will not apologize to me. His thinking is that we were not married and therefore it is not cheating. He has assured me that ever since we married, he has been sexually faithful but given this experience and past with women, I feel like I can't and don't trust him. 

He refuses to speak about her anymore. He would just give me the silent treatment and be mad at me for still not getting over it. I don't get how he is mad at me when he was the one who was unfaithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mama2016 (Jun 20, 2016)

And I feel like what is the point of being married to him when I know I can get sex from him after divorce because he is so easy. 

I feel like the other girls lucked out by being the fish that got away, and I am stuck with the trash that was left behind by being married to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The fact that he is still talking about it on Facebook is gross. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed, because well...you were. Even though it was a long time ago, he wasn't honest. 

I'm engaged and if my fiance cheats on me now, before the marriage it's over. If I learn after we marry that he cheated, it'd be over, because I honestly wouldn't know who he is, either. He seems crazy in love with me, and I'm with him, to learn about infidelity ten years from now would be heart breaking. 

Hope things get worked out somehow.


----------



## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

I completely disagree with Legend. He lied to you, cheated on you, and lured you into marriage under false pretenses (that hed been faithful). He put you at risk for STIs! And now he can't even own up to it and be a man? You deserve better.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Mama2016 said:


> "eating fish once in a while is good but it's not good to eat it for life"
> 
> *Based on the above, he will do it again.*
> 
> ...


How was your marriage before this incident, OP?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Forgive me, I am unclear on the timeline here but I am not sure that would impact my thoughts.

If he was sleeping around while you were a dedicated and exclusive couple, even pre-marriage, then this past is troubling and you have full right to doubt his honesty and values.

If this was done while you were still openly dating others (subject to perception), but didn't share that with you, then only you can draw your own line in the sand if it feels that honesty you saw in him was thrown away.

Either way, the hurt how of how he is treating you now is a lesson to learn from and take action on, the past is just that and how it has formed his current character is obvious, that is the one to pay attention to, do not doubt what you see now.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The default when dating is that the relationship isn't exclusive until the couple agree to exclusivity. If you had no explicit agreement to be exclusive, you were both free to see other people, sexually as well as socially.

You say that you are disgusted because he indicated he may not have loved her. So? What does love have to do with sex? If you want to understand, you have to try to think like people who enjoy casual sex. It sounds like you are a person who thinks that sex with someone you don't love is icky. Others don't share that view and quite enjoy casual sex. From your POV, he was cheating and how could he have sex repeatedly with someone he wasn't in love with. From his POV, you weren't exclusive, he wasn't doing anything wrong, it wasn't your business, and that's the end of it. I must admit, I share his view. When I was dating, I had a don't ask-don't tell policy. My personal life wasn't my sexual partners business just like their personal lives weren't my business unless we were serious and had the exclusivity talk.

That said, teasing you for your lack of experience and having jokes about his FWB with his friends all these years later is d*uchebaggy behavior and something you should absolutely not tolerate.

Has he ever expressed dissatisfaction with your sex life due to your lack of experience? THAT, in addition to his being a SAHD, watching porn, and rarely having sex with you, would make me very suspicious that he either has, is, or will eventually cheat.


@EunuchMonk, I don't understand why those who are chaste and those who are more promiscuous pair up, either. It seems like a sexual philosophy mismatch, at the very least. How can someone who doen't even know their own sexual quirks, kinks, and style judge compatibility with a potential life partner? And why would someone who has the experience to know their own kinks and quirks bet that someone who doesn't is compatible with them?

The closest I have come to an explaination is that the inexperienced partner hopes to be taught by the more experienced partner and the more experienced partner is into A) conquering previously unconquered territory and/or B) is hoping to mold the inexperienced partner into exactly what they want. A custom made lover. Which may or may not work long term, depending how well the inexperienced partner takes to the teaching.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm engaged and if my fiance cheats on me now, before the marriage it's over. If I learn after we marry that he cheated, it'd be over, because I honestly wouldn't know who he is, either. He seems crazy in love with me, and I'm with him, to learn about infidelity ten years from now would be heart breaking.


Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. This 'it's over clarity' gets mighty blurry once kids, home, and money are put into the equation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mama2016 said:


> My husband and I have been married for over 12 years. From his fb comment to his local friends, I was able to discover information on what "eating fish once in a while is good but it's not good to eat it for life" meant. He mentioned that it had been more than 10 years. I confronted him and he denied at first but later admitted that he was sleeping with her while he was with me early in our relationship, but before we were married. I feel betrayed, cheated, and like I do not know who he is anymore. I feel like our relationship has been a lie all this time. When I asked for more information, he will tell me to just get over it because it happened so long ago but I just found out about this. I've tried explaining how hurt I feel, but he has blamed me for "looking" for information to be angry about.
> 
> At one point he said that she was only a friend with benefit in which the relationship ended when she decided to marry someone else. I think he meant to say that he didn't love her, but this makes it even more disgusting to me. All his buddies have jokes around his relationship with her, and only recently have I caught on. He said she was part of the boys in which he benefited more from it. At one point he even said that he was not cheating on me with her, he was cheating on her with me. Or that he didn't know we were serious and exclusive at the time.
> 
> ...


Sad to say, he is juvenile and has no respect for you. Start acting in a way that demands respect. Start doing the 180 on him, emotionally detach. If he asks you what is going on tell him you have to reevaluate your marriage because you believe he is not really who he says he is and you do not want to be hoodwinked by a liar. When he begins to feel the heat suggest MC. If he couldn't care less then you know where you stand.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would end it, but then I believe saying with a cheater is always settling. I don't believe in settling for someone who could do that to me. I won't even have cheaters as close friends I sure as hell wouldn't be married to one.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Contrary to @MJJEAN's declaration that there is a "default" rule about exclusivity while dating, there actually is no such thing.

Your "default" position was no sex with others while dating and I 100% agree with that and respect your right to that opinion and standard. 

Furthermore, H obviously knew you were a virgin so that makes his boning other women while dating you - without letting you know that was his MO - trashy, disrespectful, opportunistic, and frankly creepy.

He basically fvcked other women while he dated a virgin, knowing the score and decided to go with the virgin.

IDK he sounds like a jerk.

That said I don't believe in knee jerk divorce recommendations.

If this is a huge issue for you, it's within your rights to say you want MC with him to allow you a forum to work through this. If he refuses, then he is saying he doesn't respect you enough to give you the support you need. Then it's in you to go anyway and lay out your boundaries. I think it is reasonable to conclude that a spouse who won't support you is not worth staying in a relationship with. But that's me. You decide what you want and be clear about what it means if he won't do his share.

Good luck 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't get the whole fish analogy. Was he basically reminiscing about a better past sex life? Are you both active and happy in the bedroom? As in, doing it most days and not having a bunch of rules? I'm trying to understand why he'd even be thinking about the distant past.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Mama2016 said:


> My impression of him now is basically he is a liar, will tell whatever lie for sex. He is easy and was a man *****. I don't know why I married him anymore. I feel like moving across the country so that he could be closer to his friends/family was a huge mistake. What would u do if after u married someone, u learn about their hideous sexual experiences including those that happened when he was dating u? Thanks.


Where there is smoke there is usually fire. He could of been smashing a whole slew of sloots for all you know.

He's a remorseless cheater and he's never gonna change. I'd dump his lying ass. You can do better than this jerk.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow, he not only admitted to cheating on you but that he thinks he cheated on her with you. Takes some kahunas to say that! I don't know how you get over and deal with something like this..or if counseling or the like would even help. There may not be a way for your marriage to survive this.


----------



## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Mama2016 said:


> And I feel like what is the point of being married to him when I know I can get sex from him after divorce because he is so easy.


Now that's some twisted thinking right there.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MJJEAN said:


> The default when dating is that the relationship isn't exclusive until the couple agree to exclusivity. If you had no explicit agreement to be exclusive, you were both free to see other people, sexually as well as socially.


I don't agree with this at all.

In fact, I think it would be more the opposite. If one wants to date other people, and especially have sex with other people, while dating - THAT should be the thing that they agree to. Not the other way around.

If I was seeing someone on a regular basis, I sure as hell don't expect them to be seeing other people *without my knowledge.* After a few dates, that kind of thing should be out in the open. Not weeks or months later (or in this case, never).


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@TheTruthHurts and @alexm

I am not the only poster who has said that unless there is an exclusivity agreement, there is no expectation of exclusivity. Clearly, there are two different schools of thought and it would be foolish to assume that the person you are dating is in agreement with you. 

I can see thinking dating=relationship=exclusivity in High School, but we're talking adults here. I don't know a single adult male or female that assumes a few dates with the same person means exclusivity or that would stop seeing other people without an exclusivity agreement with their partner of choice.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> @TheTruthHurts and @alexm
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I can see slvtting around in high school or college, but I don't know of any adults worth dating that view exclusivity as other than the norm. In fact, those that sleep around are not really cut out for dating in the first place, IMO and it's disingenuous to pretend to be dating when you're really out for FB or FWB. Not at all the same thing. FB and FWB seems to work for many but I doubt that would he considered by many as dating - really just more "accommodating" each other.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I can see slvtting around in high school or college, but I don't know of any adults worth dating that view exclusivity as other than the norm. In fact, those that sleep around are not really cut out for dating in the first place, IMO and it's disingenuous to pretend to be dating when you're really out for FB or FWB. Not at all the same thing. FB and FWB seems to work for many but I doubt that would he considered by many as dating - really just more "accommodating" each other.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




And BTW who said anything about "a few dates"? This is OP's spouse, not some strange she met at a party or on Craigs list


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Hello MAMA. Cut him loose and find a man that will honor, love, and respect you. You deserve better.


----------



## umdesmar (Oct 13, 2016)

12 years of marriage is a long time. I wouldn't make it a big deal considering it was in the past. The man married you and obviously loves you. I would give him a night to remember, wine and dine him. Move on and create the life you really want. If he was gone tomorrow, Life wouldn't be the same without him?!


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MJJEAN said:


> @TheTruthHurts and @alexm
> 
> I am not the only poster who has said that unless there is an exclusivity agreement, there is no expectation of exclusivity. Clearly, there are two different schools of thought and it would be foolish to assume that the person you are dating is in agreement with you.
> 
> I can see thinking dating=relationship=exclusivity in High School, but we're talking adults here. I don't know a single adult male or female that assumes a few dates with the same person means exclusivity or that would stop seeing other people without an exclusivity agreement with their partner of choice.


I don't think it would be foolish to assume the person you're seeing on a regular basis (and especially sleeping with) is NOT seeing anybody else.

I think we're talking about different things here, any way. I get the impression you mean going out for a date with man "A", then seeing man "B" a few days later, and going back and forth a couple of times (say 2, maybe 3 dates each) before you decide. You know, maybe you met "A" online. Then "B" is a guy you work with and he asks you out for coffee next week. At that point, neither are exclusive, obviously. Both are intriguing, so they each get a second, maybe a third, date. At a certain point, though, you ARE seeing somebody, and it's no longer a getting-to-know-you situation. He might not be your boyfriend yet, but if you're on date 3, 4, 5 and actively making plans to continue seeing him, then there's something there.

And AFAIC, the instant you start sleeping with one of those guys, the other should no longer be in the picture. Unless, of course, they're okay with it, and they KNOW about it. Preferably beforehand, too. But at that point, you're not really dating, are you? It's more about having fun and being casual. As long as both parties are aware that it's only about that, then cool. But more often than not, people (especially adults) are not just looking for FWB's. AFAIK, when they are, they clearly state that in their dating profiles, or (hopefully) in person. "I'm not really looking for anything serious right now" is code for "I'm just looking for a good time right now". Surely we know this, as adults?

But when you accept a man's invitation for a second and a third date, and you have not made it clear you're not looking for anything serious, then that's disingenuous, IMO. You can't make the assumption HE is also just looking for a casual fling, and nothing serious.

Which is exactly my point - one SHOULD state this clearly, as soon as is humanly possible. Not the other way around, as you suggest. You're essentially saying that every new relationship should be assumed as totally casual, potential FWB's, unless stated otherwise. This is backwards. It should be assumed that one is looking for a mate, unless stated otherwise, IMO.

I don't know about you, but if I was seeing a girl, and she let it drop that she was actively seeing (or sleeping with) another guy at the same time, I'd be outta there. I wouldn't be hurt or insulted or even PO'd, TBH. It's just that I wouldn't have time for that. There's often enough competition just to get a date, period, never mind competing WHILE dating.

I guess I just don't understand the mentality of dating more than one person at the same time. Even if it's just one or two dates and it doesn't work out. No, there's no exclusivity or commitment, per se, at that time, but to me, it's like cooking two dinners at the same time, and seeing which one turns out better. Why not just cook one, and if it doesn't turn out, oh well, try again with a different recipe tomorrow?

One of my B-I-L's seems to do this pretty regularly. Last girl he ended up dating for a year or so, he was actively seeing other people when they started dating. They eventually became exclusive, obviously. But in those beginning few weeks (or maybe even months) he was still going on dates with other women, and occasionally sleeping with them (ah, online dating websites...) I doubt very much this woman knew he was hooking up with other girls during this time.

OP said her husband was actively seeing, and sleeping with, both her and another woman at the same - and she didn't know about it. She, at some point in that early part of their relationship, saw a future with this guy. He, obviously, wasn't thinking that. It was only until the other girl was out of the picture that he focused his full attention on her, and they ended up married. Um, no thanks.

Listen, I'm not saying it's wrong or that people shouldn't do it - that's up to the individual. I just think that it's not right, either. Not for the amount of time/dates we're talking about. Meet one guy for coffee one day, another guy the next - sure. A second date with both of them? Okay. If you have a third date with somebody, then there's obviously something there, at least an interest or an intrigue. Once you get to that point of genuinely wanting to get know somebody more, and see how far it can go with them, that's when you focus your attention on them, and only them. Or are people really that indecisive?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I can see slvtting around in high school or college, but I don't know of any adults worth dating that view exclusivity as other than the norm. In fact, those that sleep around are not really cut out for dating in the first place, IMO and it's disingenuous to pretend to be dating when you're really out for FB or FWB. Not at all the same thing. FB and FWB seems to work for many but I doubt that would he considered by many as dating - really just more "accommodating" each other.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That seems to undermine the whole purpose of dating. The purpose of dating is to get to know potential partners, which takes time. A few dates is not nearly enough time to commit to exclusivity with any one person. 

Dating multiple partners isn't "slvtting around". Say a woman is dating 3 men. She may be having sex with any, all, or none of them. 

Dating multiple partners isn't about really wanting FWB's, either. It's about having multiple potential mates and taking the time to truly discern which is the best long term match.



TheTruthHurts said:


> And BTW who said anything about "a few dates"? This is OP's spouse, not some strange she met at a party or on Craigs list
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The "infidelity" she accused him of took place when they were dating. She thought they were exclusive. He claims they were not.



alexm said:


> I don't think it would be foolish to assume the person you're seeing on a regular basis (and especially sleeping with) is NOT seeing anybody else.
> 
> *We've demonstrated in this thread that not everyone considers a dating and sexual relationship to mean automatic exclusivity. Considering the possibility of STD's, I think it's foolish to sleep with someone you're dating and assume it is exclusive.*
> 
> ...


The real problem seems to have been communication for OP. SHE thought they were exclusive. HE thought they were not. Situations like this are precisely why no one should assume their partner is on the same page and need to ASK!

OP was a virgin and finds the ability to have casual sex or sex with more than one person at a time to be disgusting. Now that she knows her husband is casual sex friendly, she is upset. This problem could have been avoided by simply asking him about his sexual beliefs and practices before getting seriously involved with him.

I think the level of indecision depends on a lot of factors. If a person has 2-3 very good prospective partners, deciding between them may take more time and involve getting to know each of them more in depth before being able to make a decision.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think the question that needs to be answered in order to figure this out is: had you both agreed to be exclusive during the time he was having sex with the other person??


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Agreed "dating" can mean very different things.

The other question is how your relationship is now. If you marriage is good, I would not end it over something that happened 10 years agol



Livvie said:


> I think the question that needs to be answered in order to figure this out is: had you both agreed to be exclusive during the time he was having sex with the other person??


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP i think you have every right to be hurt and angry totally understandable.

I also think the reaction from your husband is normal in today's times where nobody takes responsibility for their actions. think of the last time you heard some stand up and say "yep! i did it".......doesn't happen.

what i think you do need to focus on is....how has your 10 year marriage been? has he treated you with love and respect? given you any other reason to suspect over these years of any other cheating? if the answer is yes...than i don't agree you should toss your marriage over this.

as for the "locker room talk" with his buddies (funny how this can work it way into your life)....its not cool and he needs to apologize and be remorseful, and certainly not repeated.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Livvie said:


> I think the question that needs to be answered in order to figure this out is: had you both agreed to be exclusive during the time he was having sex with the other person??




Seems pretty clear they didn't, hence the OP and crises in the marriage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MJJEAN said:


> That seems to undermine the whole purpose of dating. The purpose of dating is to get to know potential partners, which takes time. A few dates is not nearly enough time to commit to exclusivity with any one person.
> 
> Dating multiple partners isn't "slvtting around". Say a woman is dating 3 men. She may be having sex with any, all, or none of them.
> 
> ...


I'm not saying you're completely wrong - there is a lot of logic behind your words.

What I AM saying is that I think the majority of people, man or woman, do not operate like this while dating.

Again, going out on blind dates or internet hook-ups to get to know somebody - sure thing. Most of those don't get past date #1. No point in saying no to someone who happened to ask you a day later than the other one, because you have another date lined up already.

Maybe I should clarify, as well. When I say "dating", I mean somebody you have a connection with - even at the beginning stages, and whom you want to see again (and again, and again), and DO. It doesn't mean you see a future with them, or are thinking marriage. It means that this is somebody you find yourself thinking about and want to spend time with. To see how it goes. It took me about 18 months for me to realize I wanted to marry my wife. I didn't treat our relationship as casual, nor did I think long-term. We didn't discuss exclusivity - it just was. Duh.

With my first girlfriend when I was 16, there came a point where we decided we were boyfriend/girlfriend. Then we were. With another girlfriend when I was 19, when it got to that point, she effectively said "I have to break up with this other guy, first". :surprise: She ended up being my ex wife.

Now while I had no problem with it then (I was 19), I sure would now as an adult. Ain't nobody got time for that, IMO. If I went out on 3, 4, 5 dates with a woman, and things start getting a little more serious, and she dropped that, I'd be flabbergasted.

The reasons why would be complex. It's not because I'd have felt cheated on. It's not because I'm afraid of competition. It's not because I wasn't her sole focus. It's just... eh.

TBH with you, the guy my ex wife was 'dating' at the same time we started dating was an ass, for numerous reasons. He didn't go away for a couple of years (no, not stalking, just 6 degrees). He didn't make life difficult or anything, and there was nothing to worry about. He was just 'there'.

More over, it took a bit of the shine off of the beginning of our 'story'. When I'd think back to when we met, or our first date, or when we made it 'official', it just wasn't romantic, I guess, knowing there was somebody else in the picture at the same time. I think the same thing of my ex wife, as the beginning of her 'story' with her second husband included her being married to me at the time. It's not something you can't live with, but at the same time, as long as she lives (or is married to this guy) I will be hanging over her/their memories. That's her prerogative, and perhaps I'm too romantic, but those are things that occur to me.

With my now-wife, we have a shared story that didn't involve anybody else, and I much prefer that.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@alexm I think you state it very well and draw a distinction between what one sees as a kid and what one sees as an adult.

My impression is that OP was a kid when they met but I suppose she could have been a 40 year old virgin. But as a kid and a virgin, I suspect she wasn't all that worldly and may have assumed future H thought like her.

That was my experience as well - though I did state the first night I met my W that I was a (19 year old) virgin which I thought was VERY old. She just laughed and was kind of surprised - I asked why and she said "of course - so am I". I assumed she wasn't (because I didn't want to be) and I think she assumed everyone was because that was her perspective. (She also assumed I was Catholic). So I got lucky and made the right comment at the right time.

I would think many inexperienced kids don't even know what to think or say in their first few relationships. 

My other take is that a sexually active guy would immediately find out a girl he was dating was a virgin and would probably know if she was getting with other guys.

But we don't really know if he's a giant dbag or this is a small ***** in his armor. She could be overreacting, but I still find it callous to be joking about it in front of her for years. Not too classy 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @alexm I think you state it very well and draw a distinction between what one sees as a kid and what one sees as an adult.
> 
> My impression is that OP was a kid when they met but I suppose she could have been a 40 year old virgin. But as a kid and a virgin, I suspect she wasn't all that worldly and may have assumed future H thought like her.
> 
> ...


Totally. To each their own. It's all about communication. Like I said, there's a lot of logic to @MJJEAN 's replies, but things like dating and love often don't involve much logic.

I'm going to guess that OP and her now husband were young, also. I'd like to think experienced adults don't 'play the field' as it were, while searching for a mate - at least not sexually, any way. Initial dating, sure.

The main point is that it's become a running joke between him and his mates, and that's definitely not appropriate. In fact, it's downright gross and disrespectful.

What makes it worse is that OP finds out about all of this as a result of these 'jokes' that she's never been let in on. And to boot, it's a form of objectification, which doesn't make her feel terribly good about her sexual relationship, never mind marriage, with this guy.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@alexm and @TheTruthHurts

I also agree that the jokes all these years later are beyond ridiculous. Unless that other chick had a va jay jay made of solid platinum and some incredible skills with a dash of freak, I don't know why he'd even still be thinking about her, much less making jokes.

The moral of the story seems to be that sexual history, practices, and beliefs is a conversation better had sooner rather than later when dating.

As for the changes that come with age, I have observed almost the opposite of what you two have. 

When we were younger, in the teens til about 22, a few dates seemed like true love and you were a couple who may be together forever! *hearts and sighs*.

Once we got older and had been in LTR's or marriages that ended, everyone seemed to date multiple people for weeks/months before choosing to be exclusive with any one of them. The 35+ ladies, especially, seem to have a much more thorough vetting process and see no reason to be exclusive with any one man until they are sure he is serious about a LTR, highly compatible, not a deadbeat, not a serial killer, etc.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I don't see any issues w/ multi-dating or even "multi-sexing" but, IMO, once sex begins (or, honestly, just prior to it), it _should_ be coupled w/ either exclusivity OR _explicit_ disclosure of NON-exclusivity. Assuming that one's partner(s) is/are OK w/ "don't ask, don't tell" is crap, and has the potential to lead to exactly the type of situation in which OP currently finds herself.

And it's not like condoms are 100% effective in terms of either preventing pregnancy or preventing STDs.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> T
> 
> @EunuchMonk, I don't understand why those who are chaste and those who are more promiscuous pair up, either. It seems like a sexual philosophy mismatch, at the very least. How can someone who doen't even know their own sexual quirks, kinks, and style judge compatibility with a potential life partner? And why would someone who has the experience to know their own kinks and quirks bet that someone who doesn't is compatible with them?
> 
> The closest I have come to an explaination is that the inexperienced partner hopes to be taught by the more experienced partner and the more experienced partner is into A) conquering previously unconquered territory and/or B) is hoping to mold the inexperienced partner into exactly what they want. A custom made lover. Which may or may not work long term, depending how well the inexperienced partner takes to the teaching.


or 

C)the experienced partner lied about the level of experience to the less experienced partner. We see this in all the threads about asking a potential future mate/long-term partner about prior experience and the "none of their business" posts.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> @alexm and @TheTruthHurts
> 
> 
> 
> Once we got older and had been in LTR's or marriages that ended, everyone seemed to date multiple people for weeks/months before choosing to be exclusive with any one of them. The 35+ ladies, especially, seem to have a much more thorough vetting process and see no reason to be exclusive with any one man until they are sure he is serious about a LTR, highly compatible, not a deadbeat, not a serial killer, etc.


Hmm....are you saying you think most 35+ ladies would typically be having a sexual relationship with one or more guys who they aren't pretty sure isn't serious, incompatible, a deadbean or a serial killer, etc.?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> @alexm and @TheTruthHurts
> 
> I also agree that the jokes all these years later are beyond ridiculous. Unless that other chick had a va jay jay made of solid platinum and some incredible skills with a dash of freak, I don't know why he'd even still be thinking about her, much less making jokes.
> 
> ...



In defense of @alexm, I think he is coming from a different perspective than you might be. I don't want to make assumptions about you, but here's what it looks like to me:

If "dating" includes a sexual relationship, then my thinking is that there are some people who feel that sexual activity is an intense expression of a deep love and commitment. Presumably, those people would not proceed with sexual activity until there was a deep, committed bond between the couple. Thus, in such circumstances, I would agree with @alexm that dating (including sex) multiple people at once would not be compatible with the way people like that think.

On the other hand, other people are ok with sexual activity at a much lower level of emotional commitment. This is obvious with today's "hook up culture", but there are others who would not be quite so cavalier, but would still not have as high a bar to sex as @alexm. For those people, it may not be strange to be "dating" (including sex) multiple people simultaneously, until a deeper commitment emerges.

Now, if "dating" is just a social outing without sex, then I think the intensity and frequency of such outings would frame the expectation of exclusivity. If the dates occurred every 6 months, I doubt anyone would expect an exclusive arrangment. If they consisted of 20 dates over a 30 day period, it would be hard to imagine there would be time for anyone else. It's that grey zone in between which is more subjective, and potentially the opportunity for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Now, going back to the OP, since her husband is her only sexual partner, I suspect that she's more in @alexm's "commitment before sex" camp (or at least closer to it than to the other group).


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Wolfman1968 said:


> In defense of @alexm, I think he is coming from a different perspective than you might be. I don't want to make assumptions about you, but here's what it looks like to me:
> 
> If "dating" includes a sexual relationship, then my thinking is that there are some people who feel that sexual activity is an intense expression of a deep love and commitment. Presumably, those people would not proceed with sexual activity until there was a deep, committed bond between the couple. Thus, in such circumstances, I would agree with @alexm that dating (including sex) multiple people at once would not be compatible with the way people like that think.
> 
> ...



Close, but more or less on point.

I don't fall into the group where sex is saved solely for somebody you love, however I don't believe it should be, as you say, taken so cavalierly, either.

There's a time and a place for casual, non-committed sex. But that time, IMO, isn't when you're seeing more than one person. For me, casual sex is a ONS or a regular FWB. And again, my reasoning behind this is that an actual relationship could start at any time, if you're dating around. If I went on a couple of dates with a woman, things took off and we ended up in a proper relationship, and it turned out she had a FWB or a ONS or two during the initial stages of this relationship (ie. after we went on a date or two) OR she was seeing somebody else at the same time, doing the same things she was doing with me AND slept with them... I don't know. Kinda takes the shine off the whole thing.

Like I said, this happened to me with my ex wife. She had a FWB (ie. a sexual relationship with someone she had no future with) during the first month or so we were dating. They had been seeing each other for at least a few months before I came along, and she continued to do so without my knowledge. UNTIL we both realized that we were getting serious. Did she do anything wrong? Well, no, not technically. When the idea of exclusivity came up, she told me about this and ended it with him. But it did cast a pall over our ensuing relationship and subsequent marriage. Not one that I brought up with her going forward, but all the same. It definitely took the shine off our 'story', particularly when we got married, or people asked us how we met.

When all was said and done, and I'm sure this is fairly rare, she overlapped guys with me both times, at the beginning of our relationship, and at the end of it. Our entire relationship was bookended by other people.

Did she have a responsibility to tell me about this guy during the first month or so we were dating? No. Should she have? Probably.

Communication is key, yes, but it's simple to avoid situations like this altogether by focusing on one person, one date at a time. I'm still unsure of why anybody would want to date multiple people at the same time. I mean, one date could be just one date, but it could also be your 'first date' with your future partner/spouse.


----------

