# How far do you expose?



## faithfulspouse (Jul 28, 2012)

Hi

I'm wondering about exposure, covering my bases while he is away and getting my head round what I may need to do and face.

The person I suspect is single so no BS to expose to but do I expose to all her friends on FB?, do I expose to all his FB friends?. Email contacts, family, friends, work?. 

Is exposure or the extent of the exposure dependent upon whether you want to save your marriage?. I have had time to think and know what is a deal breaker for me so if I know I don't want R I'm just exposing for spite (and I'd be okay with that!) so I'd tell the world, I assume it's no different if R is an option I want as the object is to bring reality in and nothing says reality like the world knowing what an utter tool you are, well that and me dropping our kids off at her place, (just joking,I won't really drop our kids off).

Any thoughts.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the above link for more detail on exposure.

As this is a single affairee then expose to her family , friends and if you have access to her facebook page as many of her friends you think will impact her life , stick to the exposure letter and ignore any negative comments that may be sent to you

You may never know if you want to R or not , exposure helps break the affair and helps create distance between waywards thereafter if the fog clears your own relationship may survive .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## faithfulspouse (Jul 28, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> 
> Read the above link for more detail on exposure.
> 
> ...


Thank you. 

x


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think exposure serves 2 purposes. In reconciliation it helps pull the WS out of the fog and if already out, it serves as consequences to help make sure it doesn't happen again. In a divorce situation is prevents the WS from re-writing marital history and making you look bad.

In both cases I think the extent of the exposure depends entirely on the circumstances.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

faithfulspouse said:


> Hi
> 
> I'm wondering about exposure, covering my bases while he is away and getting my head round what I may need to do and face.
> 
> ...


If another person is threatening your marriage you have every right IMO to be angry (obviously) and spiteful. Just be sure of the facts first


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think exposure serves 2 purposes. In reconciliation it helps pull the WS out of the fog and if already out, it serves as consequences to help make sure it doesn't happen again. In a divorce situation is prevents the WS from re-writing marital history and making you look bad.
> 
> In both cases I think the extent of the exposure depends entirely on the circumstances.


I would think that if you are wanting to reconcile that blasting it to everyone just brings everyone into your business and would make reconciling even more difficult. 

I have a different situation but the only person that I have told our issues to is my good friend (who lives 2 states over). And here. Who wants everyone whispering every time your around them.


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## faithfulspouse (Jul 28, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I would think that if you are wanting to reconcile that blasting it to everyone just brings everyone into your business and would make reconciling even more difficult.
> 
> I have a different situation but the only person that I have told our issues to is my good friend (who lives 2 states over). And here. Who wants everyone whispering every time your around them.


That may be true I don't know if it would make R more difficult. In terms of whispering I suspect they would be whispering what a tool H is and OW is a lowlife (that's what I'd be saying). 

I've got no reason to be ashamed as I didn't cheat and i'm a good wife, my career potential is better than his, I'm a great mother and I'm smokin hot :rofl: whisper away!

x


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I would think that if you are wanting to reconcile that blasting it to everyone just brings everyone into your business and would make reconciling even more difficult.
> 
> I have a different situation but the only person that I have told our issues to is my good friend (who lives 2 states over). And here. Who wants everyone whispering every time your around them.


Nope. Keeping it secret is rug sweeping and makes it more likely to continue or happen again.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

faithfulspouse said:


> That may be true I don't know if it would make R more difficult. In terms of whispering I suspect they would be whispering what a tool H is and OW is a lowlife (that's what I'd be saying).
> 
> I've got no reason to be ashamed as I didn't cheat and i'm a good wife, my career potential is better than his, I'm a great mother and I'm smokin hot :rofl: whisper away!
> 
> x


Oh I know what they would be saying but how would this help your relationship if your planning on reconciling?

Otherwise if divorce is immenent...fire away, who cares!


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

It's pretty undignified to cheat on your family, IMO. I'll never understand the the "high road" thought process that the cheater deserves more respect than they showed to their betrayed spouse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Oh I know what they would be saying but how would this help your relationship if your planning on reconciling?
> 
> Otherwise if divorce is immenent...fire away, who cares!


The point of exposing the affair is to break up the affair. Most affairs are carried out in secret. By exposing it, now the affair partners have to publicly admit to it or stop. Usually this will case the affair to end.

If the affair partner is married, exposing it to their spouse is the quickest way to get the AP to end the affair. They will be too busy trying to save their marriage. Most married people who have affairs do not want to leave their spouse. That’s why they are having a secret affair and not divorcing.

Exposing to their family is another way to get the affair to end because some families will put pressure on a family member to stop the affair.

If the WS is working with the OM/OW telling the employer will often get them both fired. This will usually end the affair. And an WS who is working with their AP has to quit the job to end contact anyway.
Exposing the affair is not about trying to embarrass anyone. TI’s about getting others to put pressure on ending the affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Phoenix2012 said:


> It's showing respect to yourself.
> 
> If you're spouse acts undignified by cheating, the appropriate response is not to air your dirty laundry and cry out to the world how things are not right in your household.
> 
> ...


I agree that informing people beyond close friends/family and the spouse of the OM/OW makes little sense.

Most people beyond that could care less if your spouse is cheating on you.

As for catagorically divorcing a spouse who cheats on you... I'm not sure that's the right response in every case. A lot of marriages can recover and go on to be good, healthy marriages even after infidelity. Most people who cheat are not serial cheaters.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I would think that if you are wanting to reconcile that blasting it to everyone just brings everyone into your business and would make reconciling even more difficult.
> 
> I have a different situation but the only person that I have told our issues to is my good friend (who lives 2 states over). And here. Who wants everyone whispering every time your around them.


Im in a similiar situation. I am choosing to not expose my wife. But rather, listen to what she has to say, and its between her and I to fix this. Telling everyone else, and then working things out, it will just be more difficult. People will look at you guys differently, and perhaps raise suspicions or worse in the future. Not something I want. Its up to me whether I want to make this work or not, and no one elses business. 

Telling the world, wont change anything IMO. It will make you look bitter, require a response from your other, and nothing good will come of it. Forcing someone to stay with you isnt the way I would recommend.

I do understand the need to make them confront the issue though and telling the world will make them address it. But possily in a negative way IMO.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I know how she feels, though. She is suffering whilst they get off scott free. Even if she divorces him and he carries on with the OW they will be OK. Exposure in her case is part of dealing with the anger and betrayal. Why would she look bad? She's done nothing wrong. It's her call if it makes her feel better. I've gone through this after my STBXH despicable actions and told some friends and family. I'd love to do more but he may get fired and I can't afford that. I am still so cross that they can do this and I'm the one left with all the hurt and mess. I understand completely the reasoning behind exposure as an act of 'revenge'. Plus there's always Cheaterville!


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## ObjectOfAffection (Jul 12, 2012)

Whether it's right or not, exposing to everyone on his fb list and email contacts will make you look like a bitter, vengeful person. Most won't care about the A anyway. 

I've seen an A exposed to my coworkers, and the general reaction was "wow, i see why he's been so unhappy with his marriage. He should just leave her before he cheats again." I'm not saying this is the right attitude for people to have, but like so many things, it is what it is. 

My A was exposed to almost all of my friends and family. I was initially ashamed and frightened about what would happen, but in the end almost no one treated me different. My friends asked me if I was okay (since we were getting a D), and offered their support. All said, the only friends I lost in the process were the ones that were primarily friends with my ex.

You may feel like it's punishing him to tell everyone, but the embarrassment/shame fades quickly when you realize - not many people care - Basically, exposing to everyone will only make him more angry at you and could make divorce more contentious. Most of his FB friends likely won't give a rats a**.

My suggestion whether you D or R, is only expose to the people whose opinion YOU care about. Both your immediate families, maybe some extended family, and joint close friends. This way there is no re-writing of marital history with the people that matter to you. Also, if you want to R, you can extend that to people who think can help you keep an eye on the situation (coworkers if the AP is at his work etc).

I'm not saying don't expose at all, but I think it's counter productive to expose to EVERYONE just because you want to hurt him.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Good advice objectofaffection.
I agree in the most part. I think the idea of exposing to everyone is satisfying even if you don't! All part of the process. 
It also depends on how senior the WS is and how much their reputation counts. Mine left me and immediately moved in with OW without telling me or anyone or even starting a legal separation. To this day he still tries to deny where he is living. It's crazy and mind boggling. I guess he knows what a scumbag he will look. So it all depends on the circumstance of affair, career/position, family and friend values. I know in many places affairs would be frowned on, and someone's reputation and career could suffer.
If for example a CEO of a company was having an affair or moved in with a prostitute or say a 16 year old, his moral standing would very much be in question.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

faithfulspouse said:


> Hi
> 
> I'm wondering about exposure, covering my bases while he is away and getting my head round what I may need to do and face.
> 
> ...


as far as the wind will carry your voice


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I told my family about my EA. I told them also about my husband's. I could have just left it at his and not told mine, but I wanted to be sure they understood that I was NOT an innocent victim in everything. His EA was 100% his own fault, as was my EA 100% mine. We are working things out. We don't get the snide remarks from friends and family. And yes, a few close family members know as well. The people who were told actually are supportive of our marriage. They have helped us stay on course in repairing what we damaged. Would I go back and tell them again? Absolutely. I believe it was the best thing for us. Would I go and plaster it all over Facebook or Twitter or anything like that/ Nope. But I would have contacted the OW fiance earlier. And, I already have a plan in place that if she ever tries to contact him again (which she did try on Father's Day to engage him in conversation), I will say something to either more of her family or a couple of her friends. 

Rug sweeping is not the answer. That, I experienced as well. I have mentioned in other posts, including my first here, that I had 2 EAs. My husband and I kept it just between the two of us... agreed to work on the relationship, etc. I was sincere at the time. But he decided to just let it all go and ignore that it happened...at least, he never spoke of it. He thought of it often, but never told me. But all of that together, among other things, enabled me to get involved in a second EA. The second time, I hid it better. 

My point is that SOMEONE should be told about what's going on. That person, or those people, should be one(s) who will keep the WS honest. People who will not cover to hide an affair. My personal feelings are such that I don't feel undignified that he betrayed me... I feel that way about MYSELF doing that to HIM. And that's how it should be. You expose the affair to those who won't make the affair easier, those who are friends to the marriage... those who will keep you honest, and not accept the bullsh!t.


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