# I feel like my marriage is slowly falling apart



## sgts_wife (May 26, 2010)

My husband, Andrew, and I have been married for 10 months and have been together for a bit over 2 years. This is the first marriage for both of us and neither of us have children. Our relationship was good for a long time but over the past four or five months we've been having problems.

Our lives changed dramatically four months when, after a lot of thinking, talking, praying and encouragement from me, Andrew decided to quit his job and make the transition from being a reservist in the Marine Corps back to active duty. He also decided to pursue his dream of becoming an officer. Currently he works fulltime on base, which is 2 hours south of us, and is only home on the weekends. Since he is right in the middle of this transition, we are not elligible for base housing or any other benefits for that matter. Right now we're uncertain of which way his career will go and literally I don't know where him or us will be in October.

As you can imagine, this has put a lot of stress on our relationship since we only see each other 8 days a month. Plus, since he works 10 hour days, we don't have the opportunity to talk much on the phone at night.

However there have been some issues that are causing problems in our marriage. The main one is communication. Granted, the seperation and long hours cuts down on how much time we have to talk but the biggest problem is that Andrew has a tendenacy to leave me out-of-the-loop, sometimes on important things involving his transition that has a big impact on my life as well as his. He also will say he's going to do something, change his mind and not let me know. So all I see is him breaking his word. It's gotten to the point where I don't totally trust most of what he tells me. If he says he'll be somewhere at a certain time, I normally assume he won't be there at all. Of course, I'm not perfect either and I have kept him out-of-the-loop too.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm not a priority to him. He's been choosing to spend what little time we have together either hanging out with his best friend or his dad or gaming on the computer. We've talked especially about the gaming because there have been occasions when he's gamed all day. I don't want to take it completely away from him because I know he uses it to unwind, I just don't like to be ignored. It scares me because his mom told me that for years his dad used to ignore Andrew, his sister and his mom in favor of TV. In fact, my husband hates TV now because of it. But I'm afraid he's going to do the same thing to our future children with his gaming. I try to make him a priority in my life. I usually text him twice a day, email once or twice a week and he almost always comes home to a card.

This lack of attention also effects our love life. When we do make love it's wonderful but it doesn't happen nearly as much as I'd like, usually about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. Plus it's usually my idea. It's never really been a priority to him, which has become more of a problem for me now that he's gone during the week.

My biggest transgression in our marriage is that if something that Andrew does or says reminds me of my dad or my ex-boyfriend or someone else who hurt me, rather than keeping it to myself, I tend to say it. I know it's not fair to him to have to pay for the sins of others. The biggest reason this has been coming up lately is because when he consistently chooses other people or things over me, it strongly reminds me of what my ex-boyfriend did when we was cheating on me.

Both of us have a tendenacy to kind of wander off and do our own thing. At times, this has meant not being the same room for most of the day. We both realized this was pretty stupid but it still has a tendenacy to happen.

At this point, I know things need to change because I'm not sure we'll make it if they don't. I also don't want to have children until we've figured things out. But I've run out of things to say. I've explained how I feel so many things that I'm sick of it and I feel like he still doesn't "get it." There are some things he does, like wanting to hang out with his friends since he hardly sees them, that rationally make sense but emotionally I'm still hurt that he doesn't want to be with me. This concept makes no sense to him at all. He's not a very emotional guy to begin with and adding the Marine lack of emotion on top of that just makes it worse.

We agreed to get marriage counseling and had our first session last Saturday. I'm really hoping it helps.

Advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

i know i do not have much room to really give advice because i too am having problems with my marriage. reading your post reminds me of similar things i have found myself doing to my wife. i work 9 hour shifts and my job is 45 minutes away from home, so by the time i get home i am exhausted. she is usually ready to rack out also because she is up from 5 am. i saw how my gaming was effecting my marriage that i cut down on that, but apparently i have filled that time up with computer time or tv time. i always thought i was doing what needed to be done and being a loving husband but apparently my time gaming or on the computer cut into stuff that couldve made our marriage fine.

my advice to you is definately the counseling. i think it would help alot. you have to make sure you point out to him again and again what you said in your post. i'm speaking from a guys perspective, we're not always the greatest listeners and as sad as it sounds, you do have to tell us a few times before we actually understand. i hate to say this but even threaten seperation. i know you guys already only see each other 8 days a week, but see how he feels without you at all. thats what woke me up with my wife. she came out and told me what she had going on in her head and it hurt but it didnt click until she mentioned time apart. now i am willing to do whatever i can to fix it and i hope its not too late.

you guys should be able to work it out. counseling is a great start. he needs to understand where you are coming from and why you are feeling that way. i also know its tough, but somehow you need to change the fact that you only see each other 8 days a month. i know if that were me, come weekends i would appreciate my wife more. but it doesnt sound like that for him. military is tough, ive seen families break up because of that lifestyle. good luck and sorry my advice aint the greatest.


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## sgts_wife (May 26, 2010)

I appreciate the response. I was actually hoping for a guy's perspective.

Since he works long hours, I want him to have time with family and friends and time to unwind. But I want time with him too. I need him to be plugged in and to be my best friend.

I know that being married is a big change for both of us, especially him. We've both been on our own for a while and used to not having anyone to keep informed. I definitely don't think that he keeps me out-of-the-loop on purpose; I think it honestly doesn't really cross his mind to tell me stuff. Being apart during the week doesn't help that.

I've thought about threatening seperation but I want to spend what little time I do have with him.

I'm hoping that the counselor will understand where I'm coming from and communicate that to him in a way he'll understand. Maybe he'll "get it" if it's coming from her better than if it's coming from me.

Unfortunately right now the seperatation isn't something we can help. Come October he could be leaving for Virginia or we could be looking for a place closer to base. We literally don't know. We'll just have to make the best of it for now. I absolutely don't want to ask him to get out of the Marines (which he couldn't right now anyway without serious consequences) because he's so much happier being in the Marines than he ever was with his civilian job.

Thanks for the good-luck and the advice.


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