# Marriage is dead, now what?



## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

I really believe our marriage is dead, she wants communication but only wants selective communication. The next step is just filing paperwork at the court or what exactly should be the next step? Sit her down and tell her it's over or what?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married? 
How old are the two of you?
Do you have any children?

What have you done to try to fix the marriage?


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been married?
> How old are the two of you?
> Do you have any children?
> 
> What have you done to try to fix the marriage?


We have been married for almost 5 years. She is in her late 30s, I am in my early 30s. I have one son.

What have I don't to try to fix the marriage? I've tried communicating better, I've tried being more loving, tried saying I love you more often, we always end up going back to an argument of some kind and her telling me how horrible I am. Even my co-workers are starting to notice that I look miserable. 

I want time with my son, she say she gives me time with my son, but she only gives me time when I am utterly exhausted. When I just got done being up since 7AM the previous day, I dont' want to stay awake. I am ready to crash, not ready to give you a nap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to explain a bit better what you mean when you say that she only gives you time with your son when you are tired.

Can you give an idea of what your work schedule is? Why are you up since 7 am the previous day?

Do you have weekends off work? 

How does she control time with your son? I mean, don't you live in the same house with your son?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Have you actually communicated this with her?


Let me be clear have you actually said the words "I am unhappy to the point I am thinking of filing for divorce?" Way to often people think they are communicating things like this but the other spouse isn't picking up on it. She needs 100% the information about the position you're in


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you clarify "selective communication"? What does (or doesn't) she want to talk about?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm beginning to see how communication might be such a problem in your marriage....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

wanttofix said:


> We have been married for almost 5 years. She is in her late 30s, I am in my early 30s. I have one son.
> 
> What have I don't to try to fix the marriage? I've tried communicating better, I've tried being more loving, tried saying I love you more often, we always end up going back to an argument of some kind and her telling me how horrible I am. Even my co-workers are starting to notice that I look miserable.
> 
> I want time with my son, she say she gives me time with my son, but she only gives me time when I am utterly exhausted. When I just got done being up since 7AM the previous day, I dont' want to stay awake. I am ready to crash, not ready to give you a nap.


Can you explain the custody arrangements of your son? I'm assuming he's yours by a previous relationship, since you say you have one son. 

And why are you up since "7am the previous day"? Maybe that's why you look miserable?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You need to explain a bit better what you mean when you say that she only gives you time with your son when you are tired.
> 
> Can you give an idea of what your work schedule is? Why are you up since 7 am the previous day?
> 
> Do you have weekends off work?


I work 12 hour shifts and work a 2 to 3 day shift rotation. I work 2 days here, off two days, work 3 days here, off 2 days. All at night. Then I work another 6 hours on top of the 12. I work two jobs in hopes to pay off bills and save up for a house. We seem to go from emergency to emergency even with two jobs. 

I get every other weekend off. On those weekends, it involves running me into the ground. We need to go to 20 different places and do shopping at 20 different more. "Can we just relax at home and not go out shopping?" "We need to get stuff and I need your help." 

Why does a person need help shopping? When I wasn't working two jobs, for a short period of 3 months, I had plenty of time to do things like this. My son got to get out of the house and so did I. I didn't get to 

How does she control time with your son? I mean, don't you live in the same house with your son?

I know it seems a bit weird to read such a statement, but let me clarify. I was complaining to her about my lack of sleep and lack of seeing my son. So I am with him for 3 hours while she is at work for 3 hours, 2 times a week. Then the other times is when im utterly exhausted. I like it, sarcasm, brings up the fact 
she gives me plenty of time to see my son... Which is at the end of a shift between two jobs. Where I will sleep 4 hours the day before, then stay up for 24 hours straight.

But don't get me wrong, my son is being raised up right, no abuse physically or mentally. Everytime I see him, he just amazes me what he knows and can do. 



Wolf1974 said:


> Have you actually communicated this with her?
> 
> 
> Let me be clear have you actually said the words "I am unhappy to the point I am thinking of filing for divorce?" Way to often people think they are communicating things like this but the other spouse isn't picking up on it. She needs 100% the information about the position you're in


I have not communicated this with her. I don't know how to do it the right way. I don't want to be "you are a douche, this is over." or "this isn't working out I think we need to split up." I just don't know how to do it.




PBear said:


> Can you clarify "selective communication"? What does (or doesn't) she want to talk about?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Someone brought up passive aggressive behavior and giving three different answers to the same question. But what else can I do when she get pissed off at the truth? Or what she thinks is only my reality.

I do this because I don't know what answer she wants to hear. I give her my answer, she doesn't like it and doesn't agree. I give her answer two, still nothing. Answer 3, still angry but agrees. I've also absolutely refused to get into an argument in front of our son. No way in hell is that positive to an almost 2 year old to see mom and dad getting mad at each other.

Lastly, we had a nice big argument last night. She kept being passive aggressive "well, I guess if that's what you want." I told her "quit being a passive aggressive ass and just say it. My thoughts are there are never winners in arguments, only hurt feelings. 





PBear said:


> Can you explain the custody arrangements of your son? I'm assuming he's yours by a previous relationship, since you say you have one son.
> 
> And why are you up since "7am the previous day"? Maybe that's why you look miserable?
> 
> ...


I am actually miserable because we never get to an end to me working two jobs. I would have loved to have my student loans paid off and a nice house bought already, but in the 5+ years of doing this, it hasn't happened. This is "our" son, our first. She believes in payment plans and debt. I believe in saving and paying it off straight, minus a mortgage of course.

I come from a family that shows how much you love your spouse, you don't need to say it. Saying I love you and thanking me for everything I do once a month says you are doing it as a routine and being lazy. Show me that you love me by not eating out, save money, clean the floors. Do something in the house that I don't have to do. THAT shows me that you love me. Presents and words don't mean anything.

I am exhausted right now and going to go take a nap while my son is...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well you need to be up front and honest and tell her that you are thinking of ending it. Sometimes people can convince themselves everything is fine when it isn't. Be honest and gauge the reaction. If you say I want this over and she doesn't care then you will know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your wife capable of earning anything close to the wages you earn?

It's hard to tell from what you said, how many hours a week do you work?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Plan ahead. Tell her this weekend you will be sleeping, taking your son to the park, making home made play dough and relaxing. Get the argument over a head of time and stick to your plan with happiness!

You aren't making yourself very clear and I understand this can be hard for a lot of people so how about answering these questions?

What are her top 3 complaints about the marriage?

Do you feel she is justified? Do you feel she should be more patient?

What are your top 3 complaints about the marriage?

Are you willing to try (as in do things that are hard and uncomfortable) to make this work?

Does your wife feel loved by you? If not how does she want be loved by you? 

Do you feel loved by her? If not, how do you want to be loved?


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

You aren't making yourself very clear and I understand this can be hard for a lot of people so how about answering these questions?

What are her top 3 complaints about the marriage?
Communication
I'm never home
I ask too many questions

Do you feel she is justified? Do you feel she should be more patient?
Justified in her complaints? I have no idea, but I told her many times communication is a two ways street. I've even told her our communication band is on two different channels. She says one thing and I hear another.

What are your top 3 complaints about the marriage?
Unrealistic standards
Everything is an argument
Refuses to upkeep the house or herself

Are you willing to try (as in do things that are hard and uncomfortable) to make this work?
Like what? She isn't interested in marriage counseling, she isn't interested in listening to what I have to say. But I'm all ears.

Does your wife feel loved by you? If not how does she want be loved by you? 
Probably not. How does she want to be loved? Be attached to the hip, know my every action, from taking a **** to going into the kitchen. Cuddle all the time. Touch touch touch.

Do you feel loved by her? If not, how do you want to be loved?

No. She said after our first day of marriage that she has different standards then anyone else. Iow understand she meant dragging me into the ground...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

"On those weekends, it involves running me into the ground. We need to go to 20 different places and do shopping at 20 different more. "Can we just relax at home and not go out shopping?" "We need to get stuff and I need your help."


i actually understand this. My wife travels for business, sometimes all week gone. Usually she is home on the weekends, and we go out to do stuff, but it like to do more thihgs. stop here, check this out, maybe have a nice lunch.....

She gets pissed. "hey you said we were only going to a yard sale, and now its been 5 yard sales and a farmer's market, i had things to do..."

So i do understand the dynamic. The missing spouse leaves some sort of gap in "normal living things". Like you do not share the little things in life anymore. So when the weekend comes, you subconsciously try to jam them into the two days before spouse leaves again.

I now try to throttle back that stuff...give her some time to rest up on saturday morning, try to not drag her all over the place. It works better. You do NOT want to be fighting over little stuff like that on the 2 days you are together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a job for you. Go get No More Mr. Nice Guy and start reading it.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm beginning to see how communication might be such a problem in your marriage....



How to make sure you heard each other correctly is to
.
A) paraphrase.
.
.
Meaning, repeat back to her what she just said -- in your own words/ different words.
.
Example:
1. " You dont give me time with him!"
Rephare--> "you're want to spend more time with our child."

2. " what?!!"
Rephrase--> "you think it is ridiculous that bla bla blah?"

--
B) another way for better communication is to be a journalist, meaning, ask questions before you react. Use how, what, why, when where..

C) ask your wife if she'd rather have luxury/ wealth more or family time..

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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