# Facebook Kills Relationships



## DrHereToHelp51 (Jul 11, 2011)

Seriously, my girlfriend is talking to her ex on facebook, I just read the messages. Anyone ever deal with this or are dealing with this now? UGH


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell her to stop!
she will reply with "your being controling"
you then reply "I'm protecting our relationship" 
her reply "blah blah blah".
your reply "do you still want a relationship with me"
her reply[option #1] "yes"
your reply "then end all contact"

her reply [option #2] "no"
your reply " then I'll move on with out you"

Its pretty simple, so don't let her throw the "your controling" card. You feel the relationship with her X is stressing your relationship and you need to show her how confident you are in moving forward with out her.

Any doubt in both your minds that you can't move forward with out her will surely empower her to continue.

If you play it right (no begging) you will give her the perception that your serious as sh*t and she will think you will bail on her.

Man up bro and don't let her manage you by giving you a line of BS that will make you agree with her even when you don't want to but your to chicken to be with out her.

If she gets that vibe then your screwed...she then has the power.

If she sees and hears a confident man telling her he won't tolorate something and has the balls to bail on her then she will second guess her choices.

Good luck


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## DrHereToHelp51 (Jul 11, 2011)

Sounds like you have experience haha


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oh, so so familiar. My marriage is now over, and I was sitting in your place just 7 months ago. Sigh. No need to be friends with an ex. They are an ex for a reason. Your feelings and concerns should be paramount. And if they aren't then, stand your ground and tell her to go or you walk away. IF you get the "we're just friends" thing don't buy it.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I'm not a supporter of the theory that facebook kills relationships, I'm more of a "people kill/ruin relationships" kind of thinker. 

However I'm agreeing with the advice above.... 

Are the conversations they are having the kind that they could carry on with the three of you sitting in the same room? If not, and it's upsetting you, your girlfriend needs to put your feelings before her desire to talk with her ex and end the contact with him. 

She needs to step up and do the right thing for the relationship - if she won't do that then the next step is up to you. Either leave or put up with it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My husband and I both have facebook pages but we are both friended to each other on facebook. Plus on the relationship status you can put "So-and-so is married to So-and-so" or "in a relationship with..." so why wouldn't you be on your g/f's facebook?


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## Account V2.0 (Jul 8, 2011)

I had a few ex-gf's on my facebook. I didn't think much about it. I might say hi to them or comment on something they posted but that was it. My wife found out and said delete them. They were gone 30 seconds later. Having them as friends bothered her and she is more important to me than anyone. I didn't hesitate for a second to delete them nor do I regret it. If you are not more important to her than her ex you might want to consider whether she is worth it.


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## eastcoastgirl (Jul 8, 2011)

Any social network can be both good and bad,however; I feel that if it is a temptation to "hook" up or you find yourself going in a bad direction then you should delete your account. I didn't have that problem but I found that it interfered with my time with my love. I reactivated my account but it is not a priority. Social networking is not for everyone and if you see RED flags then you should insist that she/he make a choice.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

It's all in the person. If they are talking as in catching up, then you shouldn't be worried. I have ex's on my facebook and I rarely ever say anything to them. However if these messages are personal or they are looking like they leading to cheating then you need to say something. I'm also at the mind state of their is a reason that person is an ex.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Don't blame technology, blame the person using it, facebook kills relationships is like saying guns kill people, its not the tool, its how the tool is used,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SeekingHope (Jul 12, 2011)

I agree with lonely man. I just posted about my husband texting his ex. I don't blame text messaging technology. I blame him for not putting my feelings first. And I blame her for being a disrespectful B!TCH. She knows he is married, and she knows it is harming our relationship. But I wouldn't remove texting from my phone. It's not texting's fault. It's the way it's being used.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Oh, so so familiar. My marriage is now over, and I was sitting in your place just 7 months ago. Sigh. No need to be friends with an ex. They are an ex for a reason. Your feelings and concerns should be paramount. And if they aren't then, stand your ground and tell her to go or you walk away. IF you get the "we're just friends" thing don't buy it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Excellent post


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

lonelyman said:


> Don't blame technology, blame the person using it, facebook kills relationships is like saying guns kill people, its not the tool, its how the tool is used,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, but would a crack addict store crack in his cupboard? Does an alcoholic keep wine in his cellar? Whenever a little crack emerges in a relationship, there is Facebook. I can log on and chat with an an ex-bf/gf and forget about working on my marriage, just chat about the "good times". It is an insidious little beast that will destroy marriages, don't kid yourself.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> I agree about Facebook not being the problem, the person is the problem. However, Facebook and other technologies lowers the bar of resistance a person has to go through to find lost loves and reconnect with them.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Very good post


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## tjlee (May 19, 2011)

My wife met a guy on FB and for 8 months she lied to my face about it being "Just Friends". It was heartbreaking and really hard to recover from. She still pulls out the "Controlling" card on me whenever she gets flirty with guys on FB. It hurts and it's painful. Make sure you know what you want in life and don't settle for less.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

tjlee said:


> My wife met a guy on FB and for 8 months she lied to my face about it being "Just Friends". It was heartbreaking and really hard to recover from. She still pulls out the "Controlling" card on me whenever she gets flirty with guys on FB. It hurts and it's painful. Make sure you know what you want in life and don't settle for less.


It is very painful and she needs to stop for the sake of your marriage. Facebook can also become an addiction. The chatting seems so innocuous and harmless when it fact it is the gateway to more serious EAs and PAs. It has happened time and again. Nip it in the bud now my friend. 

I wish you well!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Oh, so so familiar. My marriage is now over, and I was sitting in your place just 7 months ago. Sigh. No need to be friends with an ex. They are an ex for a reason.


In the case of my husband, she realized she was gay. 

Facebook did not kill your marriage. Your husband did.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> In the case of my husband, she realized she was gay.
> 
> Facebook did not kill your marriage. Your husband did.


Do people kill people or do guns kill people? 

Facebook can be used as a tool to kill marriages much like a gun can be used to kill a person. We don't need to ban guns or Facebook but we should realize there potential threat.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> Do people kill people or do guns kill people?
> 
> Facebook can be used as a tool to kill marriages much like a gun can be used to kill a person.


AFAIC once the tool is pulled out, the marriage is already dead or dying. Fix the problem rather than blaming the tool.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> AFAIC once the tool is pulled out, the marriage is already dead or dying. Fix the problem rather than blaming the tool.


I disagree completely. Facebook can and often is the problem. Neglect to deal with it at your own peril.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> I disagree completely. Facebook can and often is the problem. Neglect to deal with it at your own peril.


It's not an issue. If people are going to cheat, they'll cheat.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

BlackSand said:


> Would my wife search the country to find an ex-bf? Would she then find a way to obtain his phone number? Probably not. Would she innocently friend her ex? Yes. Most don't realize the emotional cascade that can occur. One psych study found that once a reconnect has occurred that men will forego porn in favor of fantasizing about his ex. Just sayin'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I assume you are on the "Facebook sucks" side of this debate?

Sure, it makes promiscuity easier, but facebook doesnt automatically friend you with ex's, nor does Facebook write inappropriate things on the walls. People do that. I blame People.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> I assume you are on the "Facebook sucks" side of this debate?
> 
> Sure, it makes promiscuity easier, but facebook doesnt automatically friend you with ex's, nor does Facebook write inappropriate things on the walls. People do that. I blame People.


Exactly. Placing blame on FB for cheating is about as logical as saying that Budweiser is to blame for alcoholism or McDonald's for obesity. We all have choices. Period.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

It makes it easier.

You walk by your spouse - ask what they're doing.

"Just on Facebook..."

An hour later - same question - same answer.

As opposed to the old days - when you'd ask "who have you been talking to on the phone for the last hour...?" or even "where did YOU go tonight?"

..."I'm just on Facebook"...


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> It makes it easier.
> 
> You walk by your spouse - ask what they're doing.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

Once again people are shifting the blame here. If your wife or husband is on facebook, chatting with an ex, maybe you should find out why. Then proceed, instead of blaming facebook for it. Maybe they are unhappy, feeling ignored.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> It makes it easier.


This is a pet thing of mine. Whoever said life was or should be simple/easy/tidy? 

Life offers challenges. Floods, loss of job, physical injury, poverty. Facebook. I don't want a world in which I am protected from my challenges because they make me stronger and help me grow. I don't want to be true and faithful to my spouse because it is EASY. 

I think this society wants to be protected from itself. Challenges removed because they are so HAAARRRDDDD. Blame Facebook because otherwise you have to look at your spouse and realize you married someone with no moral character, a cheat.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

JeffX said:


> Once again people are shifting the blame here. If your wife or husband is on facebook, chatting with an ex, maybe you should find out why. Then proceed, instead of blaming facebook for it. Maybe they are unhappy, feeling ignored.


Exactly!!!

Facebook is not the one searching for people, and facebook is not the one writing messeges or adding friends, the USER IS!!!!

I guess if somebody calls up their ex and cheats we should blame the telephone? Lol!

Facebook is there, but nobody is forcing the user to use it AT ALL!!!! That is the users choice and decision!!!!

That is like blaming your car because you got a speeding ticket! Lol! Nobody forced you to drive or speed, that was YOUR CHOICE!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> I know we blame the person not FB and I am with you. However, a lot of cheating spouses are not horrible people. I think the biggest problem is that people do not understand their ownbrain chemistry. Most of the cheating spouses probably did not set out to cheat. Dopamine is a powerful thing, once you get a little shot you will have no choice, your brain will want you to seek out more of that. I think it can be somewhat similar trying not to eat for a long time. Eventually you will lose control and eat. Why? You lose control because your brain takes over. Poor analogy but makes the point,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have a rational mind. We make choices. We make choices to do right or wrong. When we make excuses, we make it easy to make wrong choices. Facebook made me do it is just another way not to take responsibility. If you are feeling warm and fuzzy about someone online, it is time to disconnect. We KNOW this.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> Mom,
> 
> Do you think the average person out there is aware of this? That when they get that warm fuzzy they are in a danger zone?


Yes. I think they choose to ignore it because they want the warm fuzzy. The affair fog does not start with the affair. It starts with the warm fuzzy. But in the back of their mind, where they are stuffing it away, warning bells are going off.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

BlackSand said:


> Do you think the average person out there is aware of this? That when they get that warm fuzzy they are in a danger zone?


My stance these days is to not even let myself get to the warm fuzzy. Call me old fashioned but I know now I've got no business having any kind of intimate conversations with men. Period end of story.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Another way FB makes things easier - used to be kind of hard to find those "old flames" that we all used to wonder about from time to time.

And yes - ultimately - if your spouse is spending hours and hours doing ANYTHING that seems like a waste of time, and puts space in between you - even if it really is just Farmville - then you need to get moving and figure out how to bring things back together.

The Person who cheats is always responsible for their own actions. Its like the old "guns don't kill people, people kill people." But if I wanted to kill someone - a gun sure would come in handy. Or - if I was drunk or angry or out of control - I'm a lot more dangerous with that gun than without it.

Facebook facilitates and makes things easier. And its an easy, innocent enough looking "front" for them to hide behind when they start to drift into that fog.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> My stance these days is to not even let myself get to the warm fuzzy. Call me old fashioned but I know now I've got no business having any kind of intimate conversations with men. Period end of story.


I would echo this.

IF you find yourself anticipating interacting with a member of the opposite sex on a regular/daily basis. This means regular phone calls, texting, facebook, whatever, you should ALWAYS ask yourself why.

What are you getting from it?

And, if something is missing from your primary relationship, go to your partner and discuss it.

Getting into a "normal" routine where you get up, drop the kids off, come back home, plop down on Facebook and chat with an individual daily?

Would you accept that from your spouse?

Of course you wouldn't.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> Yes, I guess the person with more integrity will recognize this and nip it in the bud.
> 
> I guess we have to get used to the new reality in this world. Temptation is creeping closer and closer to us, we just have to figure out how to deal with it. I mean as a kid I was "intrigued" by porn. I saw some magazines. Now, I can't imagine what I would have done had I had the internet. Not blaming internet!


You would look at porn. Big deal.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> I disagree completely. Facebook can and often is the problem. Neglect to deal with it at your own peril.


Lol, how can anybody possibly blame facebook for somebody cheating? Facebook is not the one contacting people, the user is,

So I guess if I phone my ex and have an affair I should blame the telephone? If I text messege my ex I should blame text messeging?

If I write her a letter I should blame the post office? Or maybe its the mail mans fault I had an affair because he delivered the letter?

Or maybe my car is to blame because that's how I got there?

Or maybe I should blame the guy at the hotel because he rented me the room?

Lol!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

When I had problems in my marriage, but before I knew he was havng an EA, sometimes I would Google old BFs. I didn't have facebook, and I didn't want to get in touch. I was just thinking, wondering how their lives had turned out. I could see their houses on Google earth. I knew some of their phone numbers, and if they were married. Kinda stalker-ish. I know. But I never called, or drove past, or emailed. Of, course, geek hubby searched my history (because he was up to no good, and so assumed I was too.) And he probably thinks I was doing stuff I wasn't. We were both wrong for typing instead of working on our marriage. But bottom line is, I could have made contact, and I repeatedly chose not to. Everything is a choice.
Including the choice to be a doormat after discovery, which I also made. 
To friend or not to friend. Think twice, Urich.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> I know we blame the person not FB and I am with you. However, a lot of cheating spouses are not horrible people. I think the biggest problem is that people do not understand their ownbrain chemistry. Most of the cheating spouses probably did not set out to cheat. Dopamine is a powerful thing, once you get a little shot you will have no choice, your brain will want you to seek out more of that. I think it can be somewhat similar trying not to eat for a long time. Eventually you will lose control and eat. Why? You lose control because your brain takes over. Poor analogy but makes the point,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_“Emotional Intelligence: includes self-awareness and *impulse control*, zeal and motivation, empathy and social deftness. These are the qualities that mark people who excel: whose relationships flourish, who are stars in the workplace.”. _From Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman).

Impulse control is the thing, self discipline, breaking bad habits. Blaming Facebook, is well, just blaming something else for a lack of impulse control, a lack of self discipline. Bit like a smoker blaming nicotine for their smoking habit. All they need do is so no to themselves the next time they get the impulse for a smoke. Or the alcoholic for the impulse for the next drink, or the disloyal the impulse for the next contact.

I think it’s a madness to blame Facebook in anyway whatsoever. We could all go there with affairs. Some of us don’t because we value some things more than others. Things like honesty, credibility and integrity.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> My favorite definition of integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking.


That's a good definition.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Everyone thinks they are different, it won't happen to them. They believe they can control it and it will never get out of hand. That's why the line "just friends" is used so often even after the relationship has turned to an EA. Then when all hell breaks loose they wonder how things could have gone so wrong. I guess I'm saying there is no end to our ability to deceive ourselves.


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## Distressed99 (Oct 22, 2010)

I don't think you can blame FB for any affairs but it does facilitate the whole process. And as someone has said, it is very easy to fool ourselves into thinking it is nothing and yet it can lead into something. 

I am not much for quoting the Bible but this may be relevant here:
"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" (Matthew 6:13) Why even let yourself be tempted by it? Ask yourself this question: if your cheating spouse, whom you reconciled with, was spending a lot of time on FB, would you not be concerned? It is certainly a tool that can be abused.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

BlackSand said:


> I believe that guns don't kill people, people kill people. I believe in the 2nd amendment but I still recognize there has to be a limit somewhere. Full automatic with huge clip?(although this is not as much a threat as Hollywood would have you believe) Not so much. Hand-grenades? Nope. It is a matter how many people you can kill at once with little effort. Facebook in a small way is similar--just a more lethal facilitator than existed before. Just sayin'.


speaking my lingo I agree with this.

FB isn't the only facilitator either...there's a ton of things that exist now to be the grenade...


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> I believe that guns don't kill people, people kill people. I believe in the 2nd amendment but I still recognize there has to be a limit somewhere. Full automatic with huge clip?(although this is not as much a threat as Hollywood would have you believe) Not so much. Hand-grenades? Nope. It is a matter how many people you can kill at once with little effort. Facebook in a small way is similar--just a more lethal facilitator than existed before. Just sayin'.


It's really not, and that's a stretch. People sit down and make these decisions. Pre-Facebook people were still cheating on their spouses. They might not have done it with an ex, but it was still done regardless. And while it's true that Facebook might make it easier, but you have to think if you're going to cheat, why be in that position? How are they going to know if you are upset with your husband or wife? And why are you talking to them?


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

People have always found ways to cheat. When I was a little girl in the 50's I would watch out my bedroom window and I could see the husband's car pull out and a little while later, the boyfriend's car would pull in. I think people who are open to cheating, even on an unconcious level, must give off pheramones or something. If a guy has a fight with his wife and leaves the house to cool of with a drink, sure as sh!t there will be some women who senses his trouble and is after him. I read somewhere that weakness on the internet draws bloodsuckers like a corpse draws flies.


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## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> Ok, but would a crack addict store crack in his cupboard? Does an alcoholic keep wine in his cellar? Whenever a little crack emerges in a relationship, there is Facebook. I can log on and chat with an an ex-bf/gf and forget about working on my marriage, just chat about the "good times". It is an insidious little beast that will destroy marriages, don't kid yourself.


You must also blame text, email, phoning, etc. People will make their choices and once they do, they will use whatever is available to follow through. And yes, some crack addicts keep it stored in their houses as a reminder of what they are trying to change. Alcoholics may leave a bottle on the counter. Whether or not they CHOOSE to use it is the point. Even if you ditch the computer, or remove texting from your phone, it isn't like you can't get access somewhere else. Blaming the means is only an excuse and a passing of responsibility of the person. It's like saying "im not responsible for messaging my ex. the computer was there, if it wasn't it wouldn't have happened." people need to stop blaming anyone and anyTHING except themselves for the decisions they make.


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## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

lonelyman said:


> Exactly!!!
> 
> Facebook is not the one searching for people, and facebook is not the one writing messeges or adding friends, the USER IS!!!!
> 
> ...


:iagree: WHOLEHEARTEDLY!


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## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Another way FB makes things easier - used to be kind of hard to find those "old flames" that we all used to wonder about from time to time.
> 
> And yes - ultimately - if your spouse is spending hours and hours doing ANYTHING that seems like a waste of time, and puts space in between you - even if it really is just Farmville - then you need to get moving and figure out how to bring things back together.
> 
> ...


again, yes, having the "gun" would come in handy or be a lot more dangerous in the hands of a drunk. but in either situation, if someone wants to facilitate something, they find a way to do it. text, calls, FB, email... etc. if there wasn't a gun, find a knife, nail file, broken glass, whatever to achieve the goal. always an excuse and something to blame rather than our own lack of self control.


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## tellmeaboutit (Jul 15, 2011)

yeah i have been there too, wife ( over 23 years together ) started using fb more and more, her account was 2 years old and she never really bothered, i went on her profile one day was bored and lonely so checked out her pics, then i saw she have at least 5 ex bf on there who she has never spoke to in all these years, i also noticed one guywho she did cheat on me with at the very start of our relationship many many years ago, i confronted her and the usual answers, but the first was sorry i never thought about it like that , bs i told her and said get the bs off there now, she did, but then i mentioned the others who were from before we met she refused so i told her it was over but am afraid i did not follow through i only kept banging on how out of order it was, as said all the usual crap about only friends , and the controlling card so i got mader and mader, all this after her coming out with the line " i love you but am not in love with " another crock.

Of course this lead to serious probs in an otherwise very what i thought healthy relationship, but i was wrong you see i work nights and she works days so she had all the time i was working to chat etc, obviously this got to me but i started check everything after that , and after a few days off work as i was in a mess i returned to work, i did struggle but hey i cracked on, i came home the next day and checked, and discovered that on the night i had returned and had struggled she had been chatting to one of them nothing of any concern but pissed me off, i hit the roof and challenged her, considering we ?? were trying to work things out, my relationship has never been the same since and am facing a split, she clams all of this with fb was bad timing and yeah no s%%t, i dont blame fb but it does make getting in touch with halfwits easier, but to this day she still has them on there apart from the monkey she cheated on me with hes history lol or will be if i ever see him, but it does piss me off but i know theres nothing in it, trust me i will always check not good but hey i always check my wallet to see its there, lol.


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## Zachs_momma21 (Jul 15, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> FB isn't the only facilitator either...there's a ton of things that exist now to be the grenade...


Very true. In my experience:

Caught my fiance on Facebook talking sexually to ex, called him out, stopped.

Then caught "sexting" pictures to same ex, called out, almost dumped him, made him text her that it was over, stopped.

Then caught them talking *innocently* this time, on the dating website WE MET ON. Called HER out, cussed her out, and it better not happen again...or someone's going down. 

Technology has only made it easier for people to cheat, and has therefore created even more trust issues in people than already existed before. It's a vicious cycle...when will it end!? Never, most likely. It will only get worse.


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## lotus27 (Jul 14, 2011)

YES fb is great you can talk to friends and family and keep intouch 
with their lives . IT also allowes people to express their thoughts 
and desires not face to face but with the written word ,it makes being suggestive or flirtages easier ,statements not normally made easilly typed.This i know from my own experience.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

The thing that strikes me about this whole facilitating cheating conversation is where the focus is being put on affair prevention. The focus is on preventing affairs by eliminating access and temptation. How about preventing affairs by having an awesome marriage? How about learning to be open, loving, giving and caring while being able to maintain personal boundaries? How about learning your spouses love language and speaking it every day? How about learning not to right fight? How about learning not to be a Nice Guy or a selfish Princess?

THAT is the only sure fire way to prevent divorce, cheating or whatever.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> The thing that strikes me about this whole facilitating cheating conversation is where the focus is being put on affair prevention. The focus is on preventing affairs by eliminating access and temptation. How about preventing affairs by having an awesome marriage? How about learning to be open, loving, giving and caring while being able to maintain personal boundaries? How about learning your spouses love language and speaking it every day? How about learning not to right fight? How about learning not to be a Nice Guy or a selfish Princess?
> 
> THAT is the only sure fire way to prevent divorce, cheating or whatever.


Exactly! Too many people don't want to look at what caused the issues at hand.


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## Distressed99 (Oct 22, 2010)

whatgivinguplookslike said:


> again, yes, having the "gun" would come in handy or be a lot more dangerous in the hands of a drunk. but in either situation, if someone wants to facilitate something, they find a way to do it. text, calls, FB, email... etc. if there wasn't a gun, find a knife, nail file, broken glass, whatever to achieve the goal. always an excuse and something to blame rather than our own lack of self control.


You can't blame FB for anything and yes you are right, the users are the ones adding friends and chatting with old flames, however, you have to agree that social media certainly makes it easier to get wrapped up into these past relationships. In the old days, you needed to sneak around, send snail mail, private phone calls when no one was home, and now all you do is log on and your ex pops right up there in a chat box. It all can start harmlessly and then evolve into much more over time. 

What I believe to be the real danger, from reading some of these posts, is that FB becomes an addiction, and takes away from the open, honest discussion needed for any relationship to flourish. FB becomes an escape. True is the users personal choice but it is damaging nevertheless. 

I guess my point is I do see where FB can facilitate an affair but the person is still choosing to have an affair.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Distressed99 said:


> FB becomes an addiction, and takes away from the open, honest discussion needed for any relationship to flourish. FB becomes an escape. True is the users personal choice but it is damaging nevertheless.
> 
> I guess my point is I do see where FB can facilitate an affair but the person is still choosing to have an affair.


I agree, and you could say the same thing about many other things such as email and text and the internet in general, which is why I always say technology in general has done more harm to the world and society than it has done good,

Online scams, credit card and bank account fraud, children have easy access to websites they should not be seeing, predators have easy access to talk to children, I could go on and on.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lonelyman said:


> I agree, and you could say the same thing about many other things such as email and text and the internet in general, which is why I always say technology in general has done more harm to the world and society than it has done good,
> 
> Online scams, credit card and bank account fraud, children have easy access to websites they should not be seeing, predators have easy access to talk to children, I could go on and on.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But again, that's like saying the invention of guns has lead to the downfall of society or something silly like that. Technology is an un-thinking tool. It gets back to the problem being people, and how they use the tools.

I would agree that technology makes it much easier to muck up a relationship. But it also makes it easier (possible, even) to build and maintain relationships over a distance. How many people have built a "proper" relationship that otherwise wouldn't have happened due to technology? I can think of three or four in my immediate circle of friends that simply wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for technology (ok, I maybe hang out with nerds). And none that have failed due to FB.

I'll admit this here... I used technology to cheat in my marriage. Without it, I would have been much more likely to end the relationship first, THEN find a new partner. But the technology didn't make me do it, it just enabled me to act on my desires.

C


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

PBear said:


> But again, that's like saying the invention of guns has lead to the downfall of society or something silly like that. Technology is an un-thinking tool. It gets back to the problem being people, and how they use the tools.
> 
> I would agree that technology makes it much easier to muck up a relationship. But it also makes it easier (possible, even) to build and maintain relationships over a distance. How many people have built a "proper" relationship that otherwise wouldn't have happened due to technology? I can think of three or four in my immediate circle of friends that simply wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for technology (ok, I maybe hang out with nerds). And none that have failed due to FB.
> 
> ...


Yes I agree but you only speaking about technology and relationships, I'm talking about technology in general,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lonelyman said:


> Yes I agree but you only speaking about technology and relationships, I'm talking about technology in general,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know so many happy people who met their significant others through online dating sights. Things are neither good nor bad. It is how they are used.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lonelyman said:


> Yes I agree but you only speaking about technology and relationships, I'm talking about technology in general,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then I'm even more puzzled. Personally, I think that technology has in general advanced things more than it has damaged things. Medical advances in the last, say, 100 years are a quick example.

But this is getting way off topic for the thread. 

C


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## gravis420 (Jul 17, 2011)

My W used to troll and monitor my facebook page and those of my friends to see what I was "upto" Allways with some comment about the *****s whose comments i "liked" or being negative about anyone she didnt approve of. I had an open profile and told her or tried to tell her about anyone she questioned.( I wouldnt have an affair because I am th product of a family of cheaters mom and dad) so I am ore than happy tl share any information she felt she needed. Turns out this was a super dumb idea.Fitness Test fail. I fiaaly saw her friend list and to my surprise its filled with men she has dated. Even a few back and forth private messages. So I comfronted her on it. She claims she isnt having an affair (at least not a sexual one). She just has low "self esteem" ANd all the others did this or that. My W lives in her past and assumes everyone else does. Facebook is a tool for those to live in the past.i have been facebook free for 6 months and i aint going back. She never got the poin and still spends most of her home time updating and arguing with people she is virtual friends with while ignoring her actual friends and husband at home. So yes facebook and the people who use facebook and the relationships of facebook as opposed to real everyday relationships destroy relationships.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

gravis420 said:


> My W used to troll and monitor my facebook page and those of my friends to see what I was "upto" Allways with some comment about the *****s whose comments i "liked" or being negative about anyone she didnt approve of. I had an open profile and told her or tried to tell her about anyone she questioned.( I wouldnt have an affair because I am th product of a family of cheaters mom and dad) so I am ore than happy tl share any information she felt she needed. Turns out this was a super dumb idea.Fitness Test fail. I fiaaly saw her friend list and to my surprise its filled with men she has dated. Even a few back and forth private messages. So I comfronted her on it. She claims she isnt having an affair (at least not a sexual one). She just has low "self esteem" ANd all the others did this or that. My W lives in her past and assumes everyone else does. Facebook is a tool for those to live in the past.i have been facebook free for 6 months and i aint going back. She never got the poin and still spends most of her home time updating and arguing with people she is virtual friends with while ignoring her actual friends and husband at home. So yes facebook and the people who use facebook and the relationships of facebook as opposed to real everyday relationships destroy relationships.


Sorry to hear that, but what it boils down to is your wife has a choice to open up a profile on facebook or not, she also has a choice to add friends or not, and she also has a choice to send messeges or not, I'm sorry to hear your wife has made poor decisions, but facebook did not influence her decision to make these decisions, that was her choice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gravis420 (Jul 17, 2011)

cant say I disagree with you lonleyman. For along time I waqs made to feel like a heel do to her past relationsships and the way she was treated. I took it to heart. worked in earnest to ensure my behavior didnt mimic the behavior of past boyfriends. Now I wonder how muc of a hand she had i her own failures in relationships. When I confronted her on her part. I did so out of anger and I was ready to accept whatever excuse she was ready to give in order to lessen my feelings. now I dont really care about losing because there is nothing left to lose.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I think this society wants to be protected from itself. Challenges removed because they are so HAAARRRDDDD. Blame Facebook because otherwise you have to look at your spouse and realize you married someone with no moral character, a cheat.


Could we not shift part of the blame onto the victim? 

Because as you said, "*YOU* married someone with no moral character, a cheat."


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

gravis420 said:


> cant say I disagree with you lonleyman. For along time I waqs made to feel like a heel do to her past relationsships and the way she was treated. I took it to heart. worked in earnest to ensure my behavior didnt mimic the behavior of past boyfriends. Now I wonder how muc of a hand she had i her own failures in relationships. When I confronted her on her part. I did so out of anger and I was ready to accept whatever excuse she was ready to give in order to lessen my feelings. now I dont really care about losing because there is nothing left to lose.


The wife trolls your facebook, not because facebook is available for her to troll, but because she has insecurity issues. As her husband/boyfriend/piece of meat (sorry, I dont know), Id suggest you address these issues and the symptoms (her FB stalking you) should die down.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BlackSand said:


> Change the title of the thread to "Modern communications may possibly make it easier to do some things"


Good AND bad.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> Could we not shift part of the blame onto the victim?
> 
> Because as you said, "*YOU* married someone with no moral character, a cheat."


Sure. If blame is your thing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & mine both have FB, neither of us have any old flames that meant anything, and neither of us care who we add at all - we openly tell each other about any interesting add. He has had a few mysterious young women want to add him and we laughed about it. 

He has my password, I have his, I would accually love for one of his old girlfreinds to befriend him, I would like to see a picture of her! I've tried looking them up out of curiosity. He would never ask them even if he did find them, it would be too strange, but I wouldn't care at all if they asked and he said yes, I would be tickled to see where they are now, and especially the one who dumped him, which allowed him to find me !  

It is all about the relationship at hand, if all is Good, FB is of no concern at all. It is purely a tool. 

BUT.... If things are shaky , if old flames are looking good & their marriages aren't on level ground either, enter a Mid life crisis , yeah, could spell the beginning of real trouble. 

At the very least a spouse who wants to remain married and work it out needs to suspend FB until the marraige gets back on tract, where this is not a temptation. 

It is a shame Facebook has been reduced to this though. I am not on it much, but I do enjoy it- for the most part.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Facebook can be a lot of fun, a way to keep up with people but its just a venue, a gauge in some circumstances.

My soon to be ex wife taught me a lot about this. As soon as I walked into a room she would hide her laptop screen, close it. It was clear she was trying to hide something and sure enough, it was an ex on Facebook she finally confessed. 

Soon they were on the phone and she would lie to me about who she was talking too. Once I picked up the phone in the house to make a call and heard her on the line with her ex. She was very intoxicated and saying "I love you". 

As she had no idea that I picked up so I walked outside where she was and casually asked "Whats up?" She said she was talking to her girlfriend. That set the stage for another huge round of lies and mental abuse from her.

If it sounds like a duck, looks like a duck and walks like a duck, chances are its a duck.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

People who refuse to be accountable for their shortcomings, will blame whatever they can. And you don't "marry a person who is a cheat." Unfortunately, unlike cars, we don't have lemon laws for spouses. They don't even have 50,000 mile guarantees. They do seem to depreciate, especially if you have been lax on the upkeep, but sometimes they are just lemons.


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## lotus27 (Jul 14, 2011)

I think the argument of wether FB is ok does come down to wether you have been hurt or effected by it.Personaly i think its great and dangerouse ,i like that you talk to familly far away ,you can also EASILY catch up or talk to people,you can also talk about things in private that would never be talked to each other in a face to face confersation.This iknow for a fact.


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## MarriedMan09 (Jul 2, 2010)

Like another said in an erlier post.

My ex from 14 years ago finds me and friends me... no biggie to me...

My wife finds out and tells me to delete her from my firends list.

10 seconds later.. she is gone..

end of story.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

That speaks volumes about your marriage. I'm really glad for you! Things are obviously healthy or there would be cracks that temptation could seep into... like it does for loads of other people whose relationships aren't as strong and healthy. In my case, my H cast the bait to her, and she was ripe to bite. But if our marriage had been strong, maybe he wouldn't have gone fishing.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear that. I think its not Facebook but people, sure Facebook makes it easier to hook up with people but usually people from the past. I use FB to "escape" from reality but its through the silly games. I have many friends on there that I became friends with through this. They were friends of friends, and we ended up meeting and growing. As far as male friends, I have several on FB but never have any kind of exchange that I would care if my husband read or their wife. That's the test I give it, if both were in the room would I say it. I have one ex-boyfriend on there and at first I was not going to accept him as a friend but we were very good friends and many years ago had a nasty break up. He has since married and had 2 kids and so have I. It allowed me to resolve that issue (I was not very nice when breaking up)...anyway I told my H about him and he does not care and his wife knows too. We don't usually chat much only to comment on a picture or something. 

But I do know what you mean, when my H first got on FB and old friend started flirting with him and him back with her then she started sending nude photos, cute huh? He left up his FB and I saw it and went through the roof. He apologized and unfriended her. In fact he almost never goes on FB. How you handled it, allowing her to see your profile etc. is the best way but if it still bothers her then you both should agree to use it or not but she needs to be on board with that too. 

My point is if the person is not reliable and faithful, they really don't need FB they will find another way. By the way my H did cheat on me, but it had nothing to do with FB for him texting a "friend" lead to flirting, which lead to sleeping with her. But I think even without cell phones it would have happened.


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

DrHereToHelp51 said:


> Seriously, my girlfriend is talking to her ex on facebook, I just read the messages. Anyone ever deal with this or are dealing with this now? UGH


Yes. My husband and I were separated for about one month. I moved out and got my own apartment. When I left, he was so mad at me that he deleted all of our pictures together and all of me from his Facebook pages. I was pissed about that because I hadn't even had a chance to tell my family yet. Then last night we were going to link up as a married couple once again with the "he is married to her" thing, and he tells me to do it from his account, so he logs on. So I see the little message notification showing he had a message. Usually would be no big deal, because it was one of his friends telling him about some car parts, but then I noticed he and his long long time ago ex-girlfriend were having a long conversation about me. He was basically crying on her shoulders. I didn't read but a few lines of it, but then I told him, oh I see your messages with J&%$. He got all pissed off at me and said I should not be reading his stuff, but I couldn't help but noticed that he was basically trashing me. However, when I skimmed up to the more recent messages, he did mention to her that we got back together.

I understand him being upset and needing to talk with someone while being separated, but for him to get that pissed off at me for looking at it really throws me for a loop. He's the one who logged into his Facebook for me to add the married thing. Now I don't even want to be linked to his account at all. Also, he has trashed me at his work and with family members. He also gets on Mormon forums to debate Mormon's for wanting to be Mormon's and I can almost bet he has trashed me there too.

So I am really mad today and he wants me to be sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm pissed. Do I have a right to be mad, or should I be sorry? I saw what I saw and yes, probably should not have clicked the link to the messages area. I just wonder how many other secrets he has online. He always seems to be on the computer and I have learned that if I ask him what he is doing then it starts a big fight. So anymore I'm just like whatever. If this whole thing backfires on me and he is doing something not right, oh well, I'll just have to cross that bridge if it comes to that because I am not going to live my life being paranoid about every little thing. Life is too short.

I have my apartment until the end of September while he cleans up our house because there is now crap all over the place and it's a complete mess. I'm just wondering now whether I should move back in...


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> People who refuse to be accountable for their shortcomings, will blame whatever they can. And you don't "marry a person who is a cheat." Unfortunately, unlike cars, we don't have lemon laws for spouses. They don't even have 50,000 mile guarantees. They do seem to depreciate, especially if you have been lax on the upkeep, but sometimes they are just lemons.


I have learned that if someone is going to cheat they are just going to cheat and there is not a whole lot the other person can do about it. No sense in blaming Facebook or any other site out there...


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

If he isn't willing to be transparent in all things, I wouldn't move back in. But that's me, and my crispy-burned ass.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Yes, my husband reconnected with his ex on fb and began a 7 month emotional affair with her. Tell her to stop looking backwards. 

An ex is an example of what you don't want in the future!


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Facebook can be dangerous and it can be very positive.

It is neutral in that it is just a tool. Even if you TOTALLY TRUST your wife or husband, that does not mean that you are not possibly being played.

My wife and I have a coffee table romance most nights. I work on my computer and she is on facebook on her computer all at the same coffee table. We hold hands, she shows me something funny or endearing on her wall and we share a moment. We will often leave loving wall posts about each other while I work at night. 

However, that does not mean that stress and emotional ties to old friends can't ruin what we have now. I do not think that just because we are married and happy that I can just let our relationship slide, even just a little bit. I put together an article:  Intimate Marriage, in which I talk about intimate satisfaction. It has to be real and it has to be worked on, period. Never leave your marriage open to attack or chance!


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Married people want to:
1. connect with people from their pasts. Old flames or people they wanted and never got in high school or college. Flirt with them a bit and have some fun.
2. establish a 'secret' channel to connect and flirt with people they find attractive in their current lives. Email is more personal and 'pre-meditated' but little flirts and messages through facebook is just 'using facebook' and feels less wrong.

To the first point, many people hook up at high school and college reunions. Facebook is just a 24 hour per day reunion.

Facebook is just giving people an easier way to do something that they want to do anyway. If your partner cheats because of facebook then they always wanted to cheat but cheating might have been too hard prior to facebook. Facebook just makes it easier to happen. If a marriage is faithful only because cheating is too hard, then is that a good marriage?

Maybe we need to rethink how we view faithfulness in a marriage and realize that wanting other people is pretty normal.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Both of us quit Facebook a month ago. It was a catalyst to the near ruination of our marriage.

That's just it though isn't it, it's not facebook that kills relationships..it's the people in those relationships that use facebook as a *catalyst* (sic tool) to destroying that relationship.


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

the guy said:


> Tell her to stop!
> she will reply with "your being controling"
> you then reply "I'm protecting our relationship"
> her reply "blah blah blah".
> ...


*The Guy well said!* :iagree:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OK so FB isn't the culprit, but it is a vehicle...not everyone chooses to use FB to 'reconnect' with their old flames, but some do, and when that happens it can be devastating.

If there were no such thing as social networking, many of these od flames would have been left to burn out for good. Before all of this technology, the only way to reach out to an old flame would be to look them up in the phone book and call. And that's a little more brazen than sending a friend request and a cutsie message.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

It's not just Facebook; it's people.

Well before things like Facebook or email or whatever, I recall my mother spending hundreds (!!) of dollars on those party chat lines that were so prevelent in the 80s. And then she'd bury the phone bill in the back yard somewhere.

Does FB make it easy to cheat (or, at least, behave inappropriately)?

Sure.

But it's still not to blame. The people that use it with no boundaries are to blame.


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## AE86freak (Feb 24, 2012)

Sometimes my wife txts me all day saying she misses me, but after we are both home form work and the baby is asleep, all she wants to do is sit on the coach, use my lap as a foot stool, and watch tv while simultaneously chanting with family and friends on Facebook! That makes no sense to me! She should be chating with me!


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## AE86freak (Feb 24, 2012)

I have a FB account but haven't been on it in two years. I know myself. when i first signed up, i found myself looking up girls from highschool that i used to like. I had to take a step back and be honest with myself "wow buddy...what are you doing here!?" That was it for me... no more facebook.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

DrHereToHelp51 said:


> Seriously, my girlfriend is talking to her ex on facebook, I just read the messages. Anyone ever deal with this or are dealing with this now? UGH


I think it depends on what they're saying and how 'ex' they are. I still chat with a woman I dated 30 years ago at high-school from time to time, but there's absolutely nothing untoward going on - catching up on gossip from our ex-home town mostly - and I'd be happy to show my wife every message if she was remotely interested. Explicit messages to a recent ex partner are obviously entirely different.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

CantePe said:


> it's not facebook that kills relationships..it's the people in those relationships that use facebook as a *catalyst* (sic tool) to destroying that relationship.


Much like guns don't kill people either I think.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

the guy said:


> Tell her to stop!
> she will reply with "your being controling"
> you then reply "I'm protecting our relationship"
> her reply "blah blah blah".
> ...


:iagree:


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

People kill relationships. FB is a medium that can be used in whatever way someone wants to use it. Don't blame FB. Blame the person! 

People always want to blame something instead of blaming the person who did the action!!!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

My feelings are that fb helps in bringing back lost youth so to speak. 
What I find ironic is that the grass is never greenier once reality sets in and the past is the past 
Their is a reason an ex is a ex jmo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I do think that people should be accountable for their actions (therefore, it's not FACEBOOK itself that destroys the marriage, it's the person using facebook).

However, I think Facebook makes it very easy to connect with people who you otherwise wouldn't talk to. Such as exes. It also makes it easier to make advances as you don't have to deal with possible rejection in the same way.

There are people that I talk to on FB that if FB didn't exist, I wouldn't have contact with. I don't personally have exes on my FB however I know my husband does (and it does bother me) and I know he'd have no contact with them if it wasn't for FB.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Facebook doesn't kill relationships. People do. 

You can't stop someone from cheating. Facebook may make it easier to 'find' another person. But if your spouse is going to cheat, they are going to use any tool at their disposal. 

It's your spouse's fault. Not Facebook or anything else.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Spend a few minutes thinking about the differences between a Facebook chat and talking to that long lost friend face to face. There's a big difference in what people might be willing to say. Also, how many would really meet a long lost girlfriend from college face to face 37 times to talk about trivial details that give an intimate view into your personal life? But we might do so electronically. In which format would a person be more likely to say, "My husband is late getting home again. He's always late recently. Seems he doesn't care about me as much."

One of the first things you learn about software development is that if a person doesn't begin to automatically use it day to day, because it is much easier to use than other formats (like cell phone discussions, or meeting face to face), then it will go bankrupt. Facebook is successful because it lowers threshholds in areas where we would otherwise be shy, can let you pick up an intimate discussion with privacy, masks all of those imposing visual cues that exist in face to face discussions, and gives a person an intimate peek into your life.

The analogy people use about 'guns don't kill people, people do' is not even close. A similar analogy to facebook would be if I invented a gun that could hop a bus, defeat the locks on a person's door, and shoot them in the privacy of their home.


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## Emly (Feb 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> Tell her to stop!
> she will reply with "your being controling"
> you then reply "I'm protecting our relationship"
> her reply "blah blah blah".
> ...


Lolzz Nice Idea!
:iagree:


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