# Are men this absentminded?



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Ok, so my husband and I are working on our marriage after a porn and lying issue. We are trying to improve our sex life and I want to know more about what he likes and wants so I can meet his needs. I asked him to go on my favourite lingerie website and pick somethings he would like me to wear. As I am looking through what he saved I noticed he picked an outfit I already have and have worn twice for him? Very recently too. What does this mean? Did he pick it because he liked the girl in the picture or could he possible not really remember or notice that it was the same one I have worn before?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't know about your H, but my fiance wouldn't notice that any lingerie is different from other lingerie. Maybe if it had sports team colors and logos on it. "You wore the Bears bra last week. How about the Steelers teddy tonight?" 

Unless your guy is a lingerie guy, he likely has no idea that you already own and wore that outfit twice.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

And who cares which you wear anyway? Get two or three more so when this one wears out, you can keep the sex going with another of the same. Right? You want it more, then complain. WTF?! :scratchhead:

Keep it up, cause it won't matter which one you wear or don't. He'll put those football team nighties on the wall to admire, rather than have to be near someone who drives his desire down. 

Ever think the cost to get it is higher than the value of the service provided?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> We are trying to improve our sex life and I want to know more about what he likes and wants so I can meet his needs. I asked him to go on my favourite lingerie website and pick somethings he would like me to wear. As I am looking through what he saved I noticed he picked an outfit I already have and have worn twice for him? Very recently too. What does this mean? Did he pick it because he liked the girl in the picture or could he possible not really remember or notice that it was the same one I have worn before?


Perhaps it means he really finds that style quite enticing and is drawn to it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> And who cares which you wear anyway? Get two or three more so when this one wears out, you can keep the sex going with another of the same. Right? You want it more, then complain. WTF?! :scratchhead:
> 
> Keep it up, cause it won't matter which one you wear or don't. He'll put those football team nighties on the wall to admire, rather than have to be near someone who drives his desire down.
> 
> Ever think the cost to get it is higher than the value of the service provided?


Let's see. 

He was hurting the relationship by lying and porn use (probably excessive porn use). So SHE is going out of her way to try to bring more excitement to their bedroom.

And you are talking about her turning him away by wondering what it means that he does not seem to have even noticed the sexy thing she has been wearing to make it all more exciting for him?

She's bending over backwards, but she's the bad guy here?

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daisy12 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I are working on our marriage after a porn and lying issue. We are trying to improve our sex life and I want to know more about what he likes and wants so I can meet his needs. I asked him to go on my favourite lingerie website and pick somethings he would like me to wear. As I am looking through what he saved I noticed he picked an outfit I already have and have worn twice for him? Very recently too. What does this mean? Did he pick it because he liked the girl in the picture or could he possible not really remember or notice that it was the same one I have worn before?


You need to pick the hill you are willing to die on. This is not the hill.

Has your husband told you that he like you to dress up sexy? Or is it something that you like or think that he likes?

I would just take it as an affirmation that he likes something that you already have. He was probably concentrating on the over all picture when you wore that outfit and not the details of the outfit. This means that he was concentrating on you and not the clothing.

Do not let this become something that consumes you and thus hurts your marriage.

Can some guys be that clueless? Yep.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Let's see.


I don't often answer your posts, simply because I don't think you should be answering mine and debating me in someone else's thread. I love love love doing that, by the way. Like you, I see posts which can turn the tide of thinking one way or another and I don't want folks to be following the first cow over the cliff during the stampede(so to speak). It's one of the ways stone age hunters would kill large prey for food. 





EleGirl said:


> He was hurting the relationship by lying and porn use *(probably excessive porn use)*.


This is the type of post I expect from those with a personal issue surrounding the topic of a thread. No matter what a post says, we only have one side. Her husband isn't here as far as I know.

Okay, in my opinion, you believe he was using way too much and touching himself instead of her every free moment of his life.

Those kinds of comments instigate. They don't help anything. 




EleGirl said:


> So SHE is going out of her way to try to bring more excitement to their bedroom.



If her husband likes lingerie and a certain kind, why did it take him using porn to get her to pay attention to what turns on the man she professes to all, to love? 

Was her goal to **** more or just to get him to look at her instead of the computer screen? Does his desire and satisfaction matter or his tastes in lingerie? 

What really is the goal here? Not your's, but her's. 




EleGirl said:


> And you are talking about her turning him away by wondering what it means that he does not seem to have even noticed the sexy thing she has been wearing to make it all more exciting for him?


I'm talking about her not realizing she is making something important that wasn't a part of the goal. Or maybe I'm mistaken and it's all about her and not sex?

Listen, she doesn't have to do anything. She can get a divorce, if he is not attractive. If he turned her on, she'd be doing this without thinking about it, cause she wants him to want her. She really doesn't care, according to her post.





EleGirl said:


> She's bending over backwards, but she's the bad guy here?


No one said she is the bad guy except you. I don't think I'm the instigator and anyone with a brain can read my posts here and understand. 

As I posted above, I don't think this is bending over backward. This is stuff she should have been figuring out while dating him and before the honeymoon. I don't think she was ever physically attracted to him. In fact, I think she's more interested in what others think about her than what her husband thinks. 

That's freakin' sad.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> I noticed he picked an outfit I already have and have worn twice for him? Very recently too. What does this mean? Did he pick it because he liked the girl in the picture or could he possible not really remember or notice that it was the same one I have worn before?



It is weird. The only thing I can think of, is that the two outfits were a different color??? The same thing can look very different in black, vs. scarlet red. 

And/or, the model in the picture is very different looking than you (hair, body type)---so the outfit looked a lot different.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> And who cares which you wear anyway? Get two or three more so when this one wears out, you can keep the sex going with another of the same. Right? You want it more, then complain. WTF?! :scratchhead:
> 
> Keep it up, cause it won't matter which one you wear or don't. He'll put those football team nighties on the wall to admire, rather than have to be near someone who drives his desire down.
> 
> Ever think the cost to get it is higher than the value of the service provided?


Wow, quite horrid.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

@Daisy12, to answer your question... yes, ime, they are absent-minded. At least, about that sort of thing. If I had lingerie with a Mercedes-Benz logo on it, he would remember it. If it had anything to do with computers, he would remember it. But just a black teddy with lace? Forget it. I could wear that tonight and by tomorrow morning, he would forget what I had on. 

Now, your husband saved one you already have. So? That means he LIKES it. Maybe he DOES remember it and that was his way of saying "wear it again!"... My personal opinion? You are reading way too much into his saving that particular item. First, you ASKED him to look. You KNOW the models will be wearing very little, so he will be seeing that. I do agree with Ele regarding this not being a hill to die on. Take it at face value: he likes a piece of lingerie that you already own... go with that. And any others he saved in there. 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Wow, quite horrid.


Your bitterness shows in your recent posts. Sometimes truth is hard to accept. I apologize for triggering so many with my comment.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I see this differently. He picked out the outfit from the website BECAUSE he saw it on you and he liked it on YOU. His conscious brain may not remember but his subconscious does. It is actually a good thing he picked out what you already had. 

But what do i know. Married 24 years ago today and i can barely tell you my wife's eye color or the original color of her hair.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Your bitterness shows in your recent posts. Sometimes truth is hard to accept. I apologize for triggering so many with my comment.


I find your apology insincere; so therefore, I don't accept it.

And many of your posts, recent and otherwise, make me wonder if you have forgotten to take your meds.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It may be really simple. Lingerie may look different in a catalog / web-page than on a person. I couldn't tell for sure if my wife had a particular piece of lingerie just by looking at pictures. 

There may be all sorts of issues here, but I wouldn't worry about this particular one at all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm sorry did you say something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I see this differently. He picked out the outfit from the website BECAUSE he saw it on you and he liked it on YOU. His conscious brain may not remember but his subconscious does. It is actually a good thing he picked out what you already had.
> 
> But what do i know. Married 24 years ago today and i can barely tell you my wife's eye color or the original color of her hair.


My point was that he picked out something he liked and that turns him on when she's wearing it.

Who freakin' cares if it's the same as the last one or not? It turns him on! 

Wasn't it her goal to get him interested in her and not porn? 

Obviously, she has done that. And now, she wants to complain because he doesn't like more than one thing and she'll have to wear the same thing over and over. 

Dude, he's ****ing her and not his hand. She did it and she's worried about the style of clothing she's wearing!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I wouldn't say he's absent-minded because if he was, I'm sure you would have gotten a completely different style! Like PVC crotchless or something. 
In fact he picked a style that he knew you'd be comfortable in. 
Sounds like he's trying his best for you. 
Maybe in the future, have a discussion with him to clarify things. 
Best of luck. 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I find your apology insincere; so therefore, I don't accept it.
> 
> And many of your posts, recent and otherwise, make me wonder if you have forgotten to take your meds.



.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> My point was that he picked out something he liked and that turns him on when she's wearing it.
> 
> Who freakin' cares if it's the same as the last one or not? It turns him on!
> 
> !



Well, for starters, OP cares or she would not be asking. And i cared enough to respond to her request for opinion. 

She has a valid question. She wanted to know if he was picking out the outfit because he liked it or because of the model wearing it. Since the guy has a porn problem, her concern is justified.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Well, for starters, OP cares or she would not be asking. And i cared enough to respond to her request for opinion.
> 
> She has a valid question. She wanted to know if he was picking out the outfit because he liked it or because of the model wearing it. Since the guy has a porn problem, her concern is justified.


So how do you determine what is in his mind? Or, is thinking that he might be thinking about some other woman while he's no longer ****ing his hand, but ****ing Daisy, more important? 

Which has a greater chance for disaster, trying to figure out what he is thinking or paying attention to what he is doing? 

Do actions not speak louder than someone else's thoughts which none of us can know? 

How silly that so many would entertain such a notion? 

And you, Blue, I guess with your issues, you've never thought of another woman while having sex with your wife? Hmm? 

The thought police are on a rampage. I guess you'll want to arrest folks for thinking they wish they could have a cigarette while standing in a no smoking area?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Well, for starters, OP cares or she would not be asking. And i cared enough to respond to her request for opinion.
> 
> She has a valid question. She wanted to know if he was picking out the outfit because he liked it or because of the model wearing it. Since the guy has a porn problem, her concern is justified.


On the flip side, she *did* direct him to the site. To peruse the lingerie. Knowing he will see them scantily clad. (I did mention that in a post above, too). 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

One time years ago, I was having sex with my second wife. Now, be careful to read this next sentence properly.

She called me by someone else's name.

I actually smiled. Why? Cause I was so good that I made her remember some fun experience and she was getting her "O". 

She asked if I was angry and I told her I wasn't. 

Most women I know get horny from literary erotica or romance novels. You can't tell me that you don't pull those "scenes" from memory when you need a little help to get going. Don't lie.

If I told my wife (who read those novels and had that experience) she was not allowed to think about those things(which made her horny), how would that help her to want sex more? How would that help our sex life? How can anyone control what another thinks? Is it even right to attempt to control another's thoughts?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Personally I take it as a very positive sign.

Pay attention to the poses in the pictures or video too and the acts. He might be telling you a bit more about what turns him on.

And yes absolutely must guys notice 10% of what women notice. It makes us much better at many things and worse at others. It's why we naturally suck at communicating until we're taught how to do it, but why we excel in business and the military because we only see our goals and move fast to achieve them. These aren't exclusive make / female traits but they do have strong correlations 

Any sexual communication is good - ask


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> I see this differently. He picked out the outfit from the website BECAUSE he saw it on you and he liked it on YOU. His conscious brain may not remember but his subconscious does. It is actually a good thing he picked out what you already had.
> 
> But what do i know. Married 24 years ago today and i can barely tell you my wife's eye color or the original color of her hair.


A lot of women can't remember the original color of their hair either. Just saying. >


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Pay attention to the poses in the pictures or video too and the acts. He might be telling you a bit more about what turns him on.
> 
> And yes absolutely *must guys notice 10% of what women notice. *It makes us much better at many things and worse at others. It's why we naturally suck at communicating until we're taught how to do it, but why we excel in business and the military because we only see our goals and move fast to achieve them. These aren't exclusive make / female traits but they do have strong correlations



But aren't we always being told that men are "more visual" :scratchhead:

That's why they respond to porn and lingerie and so forth . . . 


So why would a guy only notice 10% of what a woman notices?

Wouldn't he notice at least the same amount?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> But aren't we always being told that men are "more visual" :scratchhead:
> 
> That's why they respond to porn and lingerie and so forth . . .
> 
> ...



This is why I couldn't understand how he could not remember an outfit I wore twice but he remembers a pair of underwear that I had on once and he saw for 2 seconds while getting dressed. I figured that being turned on by visual cues he would remember the outfit. Maybe I am wrong and men really do only notice 10%.

I was in no way setting my husband up. A lot of the problems in our marriage has been lack of communication and not being honest with each other about our sexual needs and desires. I wanted to see what turned him on so I could buy lingerie which would please him.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@Daisy12

I really am curious, was the duplicate item of lingerie that he looked at on the model a different color than the one you have? If it was, then I'm pretty sure it would look "new" to him.

The same piece of clothing, in a much different color, really can look much different.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

It was the identical outfit.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

How out of the ordinary are these outfits? Was it a black lacy bra and nickers or a maids outfit? If it is about standard lingerie then I could see him not knowing he had seen it on you before but if it was a maids outfit and he could not remember that then it might be an issue.

MrH wears a suit 5 days a week, I am seriously turned on by suits but honestly I could not remember which one he had worn before or if it was a new one. But if he came in wearing a completely different type I would notice.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Also you might want to consider if you set him up for failure, either consciously or unconsciously. He has had an issue with porn so you send him to a site with nearly naked women in sexy lingerie and then don't like his response. If you wanted him to pick some lingerie it might have been better to go to an actual store.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Most women I know get horny from literary erotica or romance novels. You can't tell me that you don't pull those "scenes" from memory when you need a little help to get going. Don't lie.


This is very true, I like reading some literary erotica - and, like porn is for men, it can serve as a fantasy. Nothing more. I think how often one indulges in fantasy, becomes the problem. I don't think anyone should feel the need to ''compete'' with a fantasy life, like the OP seems to think she needs to do. If he is lying to her about viewing porn, then there are more issues there, than just the occasional porn use. Just my opinion, anyways.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I think @2ntnuf has pretty well covered exactly my own thoughts on this. Especially having read OP's other thread.

OP whether it was conscious or not, you sent your H into a situation in which he was bound to fail. You have a problem with his porn watching and subsequent masturbation, and then send him to look at scantily clad women and ask him to point out which ones he wants you to emulate. And then you freak out because he picked some.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you have some issues with self-image and insecurity, right? Perhaps a bit of counseling would be in order for you, so you can get to the root of your own issues. (Keeping in mind you said your H was watching porn 1-2 times in 6 months--which is not an addiction folks)

ETA: I suggest other posters here read her other thread, which is only 2 pages long.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> This is very true, I like reading some literary erotica - and, like porn is for men, it can serve as a fantasy. Nothing more. I think how often one indulges in fantasy, becomes the problem. I don't think anyone should feel the need to ''compete'' with a fantasy life, like the OP seems to think she needs to do. If he is lying to her about viewing porn, then there are more issues there, than just the occasional porn use. Just my opinion, anyways.


She doesn't act that way in this thread. I think this is a common occurrence for women. If men view porn at all, they feel threatened and rejected. Odd that men don't feel the same with romance novels and forbid them or divorce.

On the other hand, if sex is lacking because of viewing porn and masturbating, or due to just wanting to finish the next chapter, (the latter, I did go through myself in second marriage) I can understand why a person would want to divorce. It does feel like you aren't enough. 


I think the question was why he would pick the same nightie. I'd pick it if I liked it, or if I didn't care much whether she wore one or not. I think his issue might be the latter. And, I think he's into panties, but as she said, they don't communicate well, so she may never know.

No one else can know what he is thinking. She is getting more sex. He's looking at less porn. I think that's what she wanted. I'm not sure there is an issue other than her wild imagination and a fear of communication.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> I think @2ntnuf has pretty well covered exactly my own thoughts on this. Especially having read OP's other thread.
> 
> OP whether it was conscious or not, you sent your H into a situation in which he was bound to fail. You have a problem with his porn watching and subsequent masturbation, and then send him to look at scantily clad women and ask him to point out which ones he wants you to emulate. And then you freak out because he picked some.
> 
> ...


I'm going to be completely honest. If a man says he doesn't use porn once in a while, he's lying. I mean, his wife can't help being sick or out of service when he is horny. She can't help having to be away from home at times. 

Just because he relieves himself when those kinds of things happen, or she does in the reverse situation, doesn't mean they have an issue. 

She doesn't even realize, or didn't, why he couldn't sleep when he was horny. I mean, is she that inexperienced? If so, you ladies need to educate her. Please. She's going to ruin her marriage over nothing.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm going to be completely honest. If a man says he doesn't use porn once in a while, he's lying. I mean, his wife can't help being sick or out of service when he is horny. She can't help having to be away from home at times.
> 
> Just because he relieves himself when those kinds of things happen, or she does in the reverse situation, doesn't mean they have an issue.
> 
> She doesn't even realize, or didn't, why he couldn't sleep when he was horny. I mean, is she that inexperienced? If so, you ladies need to educate her. Please. She's going to ruin her marriage over nothing.


You don't understand. It's different because he's a guy. Only male sexuality is bad. It's wrong for men to imagine sex with other women and then touch themselves. We're the pious virtuous half of the species, don't you know? And besides, everyone knows that male masturbation makes you go blind and causes hair to grow on your palms. It's not only immoral, but it's unhealthy. 

Female masturbation is fine because they aren't expected to be virtuous, and there's no health risks. A woman is allowed to imagine a billionaire hunkasaurus and please herself till the cows come home.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

My husband watches porn the same amount as OP's partner. 
I don't mind, I look at this way, it would be worse if he was flirting or texting women in real life. 
He's lying to her because she is scolding him like a child when he admits to watching it. 


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> My husband watches porn the same amount as OP's partner.
> I don't mind, I look at this way, it would be worse if he was flirting or texting women in real life.
> He's lying to her because she is scolding him like a child when he admits to watching it.
> 
> ...


Honestly, if I were you and he isn't having sex with you and you know he is using porn when you are able to have sex, I'd go masturbate with him and make it a good one. I mean get it all out of your system. 

If he won't change and he isn't pleasing you, I'd get serious with him and tell him the issues in plain English. I'd then make sure he knows you won't stick around forever and then go through with whatever you decide, divorce/separation/counseling. 

That will make him think or bring out some new fun. I'm sorry you are going through this. I haven't read your thread. I've seen it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> You don't understand. It's different because he's a guy. Only male sexuality is bad. It's wrong for men to imagine sex with other women and then touch themselves. We're the pious virtuous half of the species, don't you know? And besides, everyone knows that male masturbation makes you go blind and causes hair to grow on your palms. It's not only immoral, but it's unhealthy.
> 
> Female masturbation is fine because they aren't expected to be virtuous, and there's no health risks. A woman is allowed to imagine a billionaire hunkasaurus and please herself till the cows come home.


I know you meant this as a sort of joke. It's sad how truthful it seems. Some do have big problems. Most are just victims of fear and self esteem, it seems.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> I think @2ntnuf has pretty well covered exactly my own thoughts on this. Especially having read OP's other thread.
> 
> OP whether it was conscious or not, you sent your H into a situation in which he was bound to fail. You have a problem with his porn watching and subsequent masturbation, and then send him to look at scantily clad women and ask him to point out which ones he wants you to emulate. And then you freak out because he picked some.
> 
> ...




Are we taking porn or masturbation? He can still masturbate, and often, without porn.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think if someone's partner prefers porn or literary erotica and masturbation over being with their partner, that is where the issues come in. Then, it's a problem. Then, it could be considered an addiction, even. I prefer a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with porn with guys I've dated. lol The guy I'm seeing now, granted our relationship is fairly new, but we started off as friends first. I just don't ask, because the relationship is going great, so maybe it only becomes an issue when things start to go bad in a relationship. If he does view porn on occasion, I don't care really. But, if I were married/living with my bf, and our sex life was horrible, and I discovered he was more interested in porn/masturbating than me, I'd then wonder what was going on. But, women blame themselves too quickly with these things...the women in porn are ''performing''...it's their job. lol Their job is to perform for others to view them, as a fantasy. Relationships are not fantasies, they go through arguments, tough times, good times, and all that, so a relationship will never be able to compete with a fantasy.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I think if someone's partner prefers porn or literary erotica and masturbation over being with their partner, that is where the issues come in. Then, it's a problem. Then, it could be considered an addiction, even. *I prefer a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with porn with guys I've dated. lol The guy I'm seeing now, granted our relationship is fairly new, but we started off as friends first. I just don't ask, because the relationship is going great, *so maybe it only becomes an issue when things start to go bad in a relationship. If he does view porn on occasion, I don't care really. But, if I were married/living with my bf, and our sex life was horrible, and I discovered he was more interested in porn/masturbating than me, I'd then wonder what was going on. But, women blame themselves too quickly with these things...the women in porn are ''performing''...it's their job. lol Their job is to perform for others to view them, as a fantasy. Relationships are not fantasies, they go through arguments, tough times, good times, and all that, so a relationship will never be able to compete with a fantasy.


Not having a go just a different POV. I very much have an ask and talk POV when it comes to sex, porn, fantasies etc. To me it is healthy to be able to talk about any and all things related to sex. My ex was unable to discuss sex and it did not become apparent till after we were married bc we at that time had a great sex life. I learnt too late that if a person cannot discuss sex then it could be a red flag. 

Since divorce it was vital to me that if a relationship was to be serious then both partners had to be open and free in their discussion of sex. 

As for those saying most women have issues with porn and most women read erotica, wrong. I, like many women have no issue with porn. I, like many women have never read erotica. Here we watch porn together occasionally.
It is never helpful in a discussion to superimpose "your" issues with a partner onto ALL women or ALL men.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Not having a go just a different POV. I very much have an ask and talk POV when it comes to sex, porn, fantasies etc. To me it is healthy to be able to talk about any and all things related to sex. My ex was unable to discuss sex and it did not become apparent till after we were married bc we at that time had a great sex life. I learnt too late that if a person cannot discuss sex then it could be a red flag.
> 
> Since divorce it was vital to me that if a relationship was to be serious then both partners had to be open and free in their discussion of sex.
> 
> ...


I actually agree with this, completely and probably should have elaborated on my post. lol When I say 'don't ask, don't tell,' I mean...I'm not asking him as if I don't trust what he's doing, and he needs to tell me what he's doing all the time. You know? I share with him some of the things I ''read,'' and he seems to like hearing about. But, I don't feel the need to ask him as if I'm checking up on him, or if he is viewing it, that he MUST tell me...that's more of what I meant. I can see like I said above, if you knew your partner was viewing porn and it started negatively impacting the relationship, then that would be a different thing.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Meh. He probably picked that outfit because he liked the way it looked on the model. I think it's kind of silly to assume anything else.

I dress in lingerie a lot for my husband. There have been SO many times he's asked, "when did you get _that _outfit?" when I was wearing something I'd worn for hm before. I always laugh and say, "I've worn this for you in the past, you don't even remember?"

LOL nope, he doesn't.

Jeez, its such a non-issue.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm going to be completely honest. If a man says he doesn't use porn once in a while, he's lying.


You had me until this post, 2ntnuf. I really hate it when some people feel the need to state this in a porn discussion. No, 2ntnuf, not all men use porn, even once in awhile. But, not all women read those romance novels you mentioned, either. Now, some *have*, just like I would agree that all men have, at some point, *seen* porn, in some fashion. But that doesn't mean they all *do* look at/read/watch/whatever. The rest of your posts, here, I pretty much agree with, though. 

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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Gotta love threads where the title is a generalized pejorative that isn't even supported in the specific.













He may have felt like he was in a no win situation being asked to look at the lingerie pictures, and thought he'd take the safest route by pointing out something he knew damned well his wife owns and has worn.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> It was the identical outfit.





Maricha75 said:


> @Daisy12, to answer your question... yes, ime, they are absent-minded. At least, about that sort of thing. If I had lingerie with a Mercedes-Benz logo on it, he would remember it. If it had anything to do with computers, he would remember it. But just a black teddy with lace? Forget it. I could wear that tonight and by tomorrow morning, he would forget what I had on.
> 
> Now, your husband saved one you already have. So? *That means he LIKES it. Maybe he DOES remember it and that was his way of saying "wear it again!"*... My personal opinion? You are reading way too much into his saving that particular item. First, you ASKED him to look. You KNOW the models will be wearing very little, so he will be seeing that. I do agree with Ele regarding this not being a hill to die on. Take it at face value: he likes a piece of lingerie that you already own... go with that. And any others he saved in there.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk




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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Pictures would help this thread.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Are we taking porn or masturbation? He can still masturbate, and often, without porn.


Read the other thread. The two are intricately connected in this discussion. Context is why I have said what I said. 

Reading her other thread, and then reading this one, gives the impression she has insecurity issues, and has a problem with her H jerking off to pictures of other women. She blew up, and demanded he stop looking at images of other women, and then asked him to look at pictures of other women and tell her which ones were wearing outfits he'd like to see her wear before / during sex. Then she flipped out when he did what she asked.

This is a no-win situation.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

We are here to help even if the OP is wrong. I am not saying she is or isn't. Some posters are discounting her concerns. That is not helpful nor is it effective.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are billions of men so there is going to be a lot of variation.

It may be that men and women notice different things about clothing / lingerie. Color, texture, shape - may be noticed differently. 

A woman might also be thinking more rationally when picking lingerie - thinking about how it will fit her how it will look on her. A man looking at her is more likely thinking of the overall effect rather than the details. 





notmyrealname4 said:


> But aren't we always being told that men are "more visual" :scratchhead:
> 
> That's why they respond to porn and lingerie and so forth . . .
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Asking about lingerie is always tricky. My wife has a wide selection of lingerie that she enjoys wearing for me. Last night she had something new. It was... well... hideous. I usually think she looks fantastic in lingerie, but this outfit was awful. But it was clear that she thought it was going to be especially enticing (and she actually wanted sex for the first time in a month or two). 

I really appreciated that she wanted to look enticing. I could tell her that she looked fantastic - and I'd be sure to see the hideous thing again, or I could tell her that it looked bad and make her feel bad. I tried to be very careful to say how good *she* looked without mentioning the lingerie....

Its always going to be a bit of a minefield. If women want their men to help pick out lingerie, they need to avoid putting them in difficult situations. Lingerie models may be built very differently from typical women and things that may look great on them will not look right on others. Its difficult (at least for some guys) to separate the image of the model from the actual clothes.

For me, and I hope for many men, the attempt to look enticing is what really matters, exactly what she is wearing is much less important.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

My two cents.

A naked woman in shape looks a million times better than an out of shape woman with the entire Victoria Secret catalog at her disposal.

Sounds like attraction is the problem if he's abusing porn and utterly disinterested in lingerie. How's the physique OP?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Huh. Men like lingerie because of how much it REVEALS. In other words, the bare skin he can see will be far more interesting to him then the lace pattern, the bows, or the straps. 

So if the lingerie was worn for just a minute before being removed then he likely won't remember it at all because he was focused on getting it off. If it was worn for a while, for instance while you played a game of pinochle or eating chocolate covered strawberries and Champaign together he might remember it better. More time for it to sink in.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think men can be very visual but I also think it is very focused and targeted at his desires, triggers, fantasies.

Even when W is providing NSA sex - if she doesn't want to get wound up and needs to sleep - I'd like to see her in a sheer bra. It works for me 

Hips, certain curves, pubic mound, under/side boob, whatever. 

I think many men's tastes are focused like that. So the specific lingerie may reveal or emphasize a body part or curve and that's what he's saying.

I think women often construct more comprehensive visualizations, hence the detailed text novels which deliciously (to a woman) paint the picture.

Both are visual and both create arousal, but I think the focus is very different.

BTW I am trying to encourage W to read sexy scenes - she doesn't really take the time for herself like that. We read one scene and it resulted in a threesome with both guys in the wife - front and back - and the second guy was his cousin. Ha ha totally turned off the W - on all levels - but worked for me (I could easily ignore the whole family thing). It was a romance novel I'd read was "good". Took a long time to get to a scene I could pull up with about 4 words in Google .

Yeah - I think most of the time men and women are visual but very different.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> This is why I couldn't understand how he could not remember an outfit I wore twice but he remembers a pair of underwear that I had on once and he saw for 2 seconds while getting dressed. I figured that being turned on by visual cues he would remember the outfit. Maybe I am wrong and men really do only notice 10%.
> 
> I was in no way setting my husband up. A lot of the problems in our marriage has been lack of communication and not being honest with each other about our sexual needs and desires. I wanted to see what turned him on so I could buy lingerie which would please him.


You definitely need more communication regarding your sex life. 
The tone from your posts, is like you're mad at him. 
I mean you're basically calling him stupid by calling him absent-minded. 
The majority of men watch porn occasionally, if he's watching it & not having sex with you, then it's a problem. 
If you're critical with him & call him disgusting for watching it, then that's why he's lying. 
Next time try to find out what he's watches in porn, that turns him on. 
Putting on underwear isn't & will not replace his porn habit if that's what you think. 
Maybe the other male posters can explain why. 

The best solution would be to make an appointment with a sex therapist. 
But you need more confidence & you need to stop blaming him for everything. Been there, done that, it doesn't help things. 


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Be cautious not to overthink things.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

He doesn't have his mind on the outfit, only the woman without it on. I think women only care about what it actually looks like. Do you remember what happened in the Super Bowl or the show that was on before it??


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> You had me until this post, 2ntnuf. I really hate it when some people feel the need to state this in a porn discussion. No, 2ntnuf, not all men use porn, even once in awhile. But, not all women read those romance novels you mentioned, either. Now, some *have*, just like I would agree that all men have, at some point, *seen* porn, in some fashion. But that doesn't mean they all *do* look at/read/watch/whatever. The rest of your posts, here, I pretty much agree with, though.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


It goes without saying that there are some men who don't watch it with any regularity. The very few that have never seen it are hardly worth mentioning. 

I suppose not everyone masturbates either, but those are damn few that have never done it. 

Seems silly to get your nickers in a twist over such a small number. I suppose it's worth mentioning, so the naïve will not be fooled.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> It goes without saying that there are some men who don't watch it with any regularity. The very few that have never seen it are hardly worth mentioning.
> 
> I suppose not everyone masturbates either, but those are damn few that have never done it.
> 
> Seems silly to get your nickers in a twist over such a small number. I suppose it's worth mentioning, so the naïve will not be fooled.


I was not talking about those who simply "don't watch it with any regularity". I mean those who have seen it, briefly, as teens, then chose *not* to watch it after that point. While they are the vast minority, they do exist. 

What difference does it make whether the ratio is 1 in 1000 or 1 in 10,000? Seems silly to get all worked up over someone proving you're wrong about "all men". I wonder, though, who is the naïve one... the one who insists it is "all or lying", or the one who _knows_ that stance is incorrect?

Yes, I do think it is worth mentioning. How hard is it to say that the vast majority watch it, so those who choose not to are definitely very few and far between? That is more accurate than your "all men watch it and if they say they don't, they're lying".

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> What difference does it make whether the ratio is 1 in 1000 or 1 in 10,000?
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


That's what I said, Maricha. Don't get your nickers in a twist over something so minor ... or do.

I don't really care about the rest of what you posted. Sorry. :smile2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think there are several appeals. 

Its revealing - but that by itself doesn't explain the appeal, otherwise why not just be naked.

It can draw attention to some body features while hiding others.

It can add color, contrast, novelty to an already beautiful body.

Its "naughtiness" can be appealing separate from the direct visual effect.

It can be nice to touch, contrast between silk (or leather) and skin






VermisciousKnid said:


> Huh. Men like lingerie because of how much it REVEALS. In other words, the bare skin he can see will be far more interesting to him then the lace pattern, the bows, or the straps.
> 
> So if the lingerie was worn for just a minute before being removed then he likely won't remember it at all because he was focused on getting it off. If it was worn for a while, for instance while you played a game of pinochle or eating chocolate covered strawberries and Champaign together he might remember it better. More time for it to sink in.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I think there are several appeals.
> 
> Its revealing - but that by itself doesn't explain the appeal, otherwise why not just be naked.
> 
> ...



It can lengthen foreplay. 

Help create a little mystery and romance.

It may be used as part of fantasy play.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Gotta love threads where the title is a generalized pejorative that isn't even supported in the specific.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Dammit Man, let them believe we are absent minded. Bro...maintain the statue quo.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> *I don't really care about the rest of what you posted.* Sorry. :smile2:




So, take that, @Maricha75


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> So, take that, @Maricha75


I had considered responding to that post last night, but it would have been pointless. What I had to say would have been glossed over, anyway.

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> Not having a go just a different POV. I very much have an ask and talk POV when it comes to sex, porn, fantasies etc. To me it is healthy to be able to talk about any and all things related to sex. My ex was unable to discuss sex and it did not become apparent till after we were married bc we at that time had a great sex life. I learnt too late that if a person cannot discuss sex then it could be a red flag.
> 
> Since divorce it was vital to me that if a relationship was to be serious then both partners had to be open and free in their discussion of sex.
> 
> ...


I read that about 99% of all men use porn and about 25% of women read some form of erotica.

That 25% of women includes romance novels. Not all romance novels are true erotica, but more just romance with little to no sex scenes. 

I wonder how men would react is their wives spent the same amount of time they do masturbating to porn of very hot men in sex scenes... porn taking specifically to appeal to women.

There is one poster on TAM who said that his wife started to do exactly that and it devastated him. He said that he now understands why some women have an issue with porn.

(On the topic of using/viewing porn, I only have an issue with it when the person using it puts more sexual energy into the porn habit then into their partner. Just wanted to clarify that.)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Opinions will vary. In my case, I wouldn't care if my wife watched porn as long as she wasn't doing it instead of being intimate with me.

As things stand now, I'd actually like to learn that she enjoyed porn because it would indicate that she had at least *some* interest in sex.



EleGirl said:


> I read that about 99% of all men use porn and about 25% of women read some form of erotica.
> 
> That 25% of women includes romance novels. Not all romance novels are true erotica, but more just romance with little to no sex scenes.
> 
> ...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Opinions will vary. In my case, I wouldn't care if my wife watched porn as long as she wasn't doing it instead of being intimate with me.
> 
> As things stand now, I'd actually like to learn that she enjoyed porn because it would indicate that she had at least *some* interest in sex.


Yeah, you say that now.

If you REALLY found her watching men that looked nothing like you, over and over again. If it became apparent that your type of appearance, style, endowments and so forth, never played any part in her sexual arousal---I think you'd be singing a different tune.

It's easy to hypothesize until you've have a harsh truth, contrary to all your expectations, flung in your face.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yeah, you say that now.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That's different. I enjoy the sex and the variety, not the actors. If your spouse - H or W - is focused on a specific complete look, then I'd say something more is going on.

If it's just an attribute - big or small this or that depending on orientation - then I would be less concerned. People often find certain features visually appealing in porn but aren't necessarily interested in that IRL.

Guys focus on big johnsons... So there's tons of porn with that "feature". W may find it visually appealing - including the setting and actors - but may not want to be assaulted with that thing IRL. (More than once or twice  ). Guys like big chests - but often adore their B cup wife. So I wouldn't worry too much about that.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> That's different. * I enjoy the sex and the variety, not the actors. *If your spouse - H or W - is focused on a specific complete look, then I'd say something more is going on.
> 
> If it's just an attribute - big or small this or that depending on orientation - then I would be less concerned. People often find certain features visually appealing in porn but aren't necessarily interested in that IRL.
> 
> Guys focus on big johnsons... So there's tons of porn with that "feature". W may find it visually appealing - including the setting and actors - but may not want to be assaulted with that thing IRL. (More than once or twice  ). Guys like big chests - but often adore their B cup wife. * So I wouldn't worry too much about that.*


I appreciate the attempt to comfort me in your last sentence. I do; I actually sense you attempting to be kind. Thanks.

As far as this part of your post:



> I enjoy the sex and the variety, not the actors


That doesn't make any sense. Here's why I say that:

Take away the "actors". What's left?

That's right, a blank screen! The sex acts, and the bodies, faces and sexual equipment of the performers are inextricably linked.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I appreciate the attempt to comfort me in your last sentence. I do; I actually sense you attempting to be kind. Thanks.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Are you a man or woman?

I NEVER see the actors - just the body parts, action, and an occasional really poorly acted expression of enjoyment.

The performers and their body parts are completely separate things. I do think I see the same people from time to time, but can't be sure except for the ones with really unusual body parts.

Frankly you can google "xyz compilation" where you substitute your favorite body part or act or thing and you'll see a compilation of just those things. Maybe a55 slapping is your thing - I bet there's compilations of a bunch of a55es getting slapped and maybe a random face or body here and there - and a hand or whip. Not my cup o tea but you get the idea.

To be that's completely different from someone who focuses on the people. There are compilations of specific actors out there but I never click on them. Always assumed they were created by young guys without girlfriends but good editing skills who were obsessed with some actress.

If women assume that guys are watching 20 minute porn to see the whole scene like you might do when reading a romance novel, then maybe I'd understand the aversion to porn. 

I doubt that happens much. But I'm just one guy.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@TheTruthHurts


Well, I believe *you*. Or, I believe that you believe what you're saying. Almost the same thing.


But to detach away from either you or me; and to examine the whole "men don't notice who the women are, or what they look like", premise.

May I direct you to a site called "Free Ones". * IT IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK*. It is basically a porn site. I will not link to it here.

If you want to see what I am talking about; go to the boards and read how these (guys mostly) go on and on and on about the actresses, rate their various body parts, talk about which actress they would like to see doing which act. etc. etc.

Or, if you can remember any somewhat famous current porn performer's name; type it in on Twitter and read her feed. Once again, not from any device that belongs to your company, or that your kids would see.

And witness the stream of tweets from men worshipping and adoring these women.

Are all these males pimply faced adolescents? Well the odds are that some of them are; maybe up to half of them.

But let's be honest, there are plenty of adult, married men who take an avid interest in these specific, particular women.

There is another site. Sorry, forgot the name. If I had to guess, I think it's called "vintage erotica", I'm not positive. But if you wanted to do your research, you could play around with those terms and look it up.

The point is, it is devoted to old, "softcore" print pornography ie. _Penthouse_

Men have scanned all the old centerfolds and uploaded them to these boards, and this online community of older men mostly, comment and reminisce about how they had their first masturbation sessions "with" these women. How completely and utterly beautiful these women are. Stories and snippets about hiding these magazines from their (not even remotely as desirable) wives. Virtual back-slapping about how they found dad's hidden issues when they were boys; or how dad gave them their first porn mag. etc etc., with the advice to keep it all secret from mom.

And pleadings and requests within the forum such as, "does anyone have Playboy Miss March 1972, boy I'd love to see that one again"---paraphrasing, words to that effect.

So, no, I don't believe men overall are immune to who these women are, and don't spend a great deal of mental energy thinking about them.

If you don't, I believe you. But it's possible that you might be in the minority?? I dunno, just a guess.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I are working on our marriage after a porn and lying issue. We are trying to improve our sex life and I want to know more about what he likes and wants so I can meet his needs. I asked him to go on my favourite lingerie website and pick somethings he would like me to wear. As I am looking through what he saved I noticed he picked an outfit I already have and have worn twice for him? Very recently too. What does this mean? Did he pick it because he liked the girl in the picture or could he possible not really remember or notice that it was the same one I have worn before?


Did you ask him, yet? What did he say? 

I seriously doubt he picked it because he liked the girl in the picture. Most likely he forgot you had one like it, if his attention was mostly on you during sexual encounters when you wore it.

How often do you actually wear it? Does he see you walking around the house in it? In other words, do you tease him by wearing it for a while before you ever get to the bedroom? If he only sees you in it right before sex, sure, he might not remember. It may only just trigger his needs for you and he doesn't know why other than he is attracted to you and loves you.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I are working on our marriage after a porn and lying issue. We are trying to improve our sex life and *I want to know more about what he likes and wants so I can meet his needs. I asked him to go on my favourite lingerie website and pick somethings he would like me to wear.* As I am looking through what he saved I noticed he picked an outfit I already have and have worn twice for him? Very recently too. What does this mean? Did he pick it because he liked the girl in the picture or could he possible not really remember or notice that it was the same one I have worn before?


Sometimes when my wife is communicating something to me I will not understand exactly what she is saying or asking. Most often I will ask her to clarify to avoid further confusion.

When I screw it up is when I try to guess what she is intending to ask me. OR I assume that she is asking exactly the way she asked it... That make sense???

Your husband did scenario number 2. You asked what him to pick somethings "he would like me to wear". He did exactly that. While you may have intended to say, "pick out some things you would like to see me in so we can purchase them, you left it open to interpretation. 

His answer was most likely a compliment (conscious or not) that he would like to see you in that outfit again.

~ Passio


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yep.

I moved in my husbands house when we got married. (We sold mine, kept his). 

There is a huge painting above our bed that has been there for nearly 2 years that I had brought with me. About a month ago he asked me when we got it. What the heck dude?!? He said he had never noticed it before.

Don't be offended about the lingerie, just be happy he recognizes you....:grin2:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Spicy said:


> Yep.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Put a big mirror above your bed. I bet he would notice it every night.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> It goes without saying that there are some men who don't watch [porn] with any regularity. The very few that have never seen it are hardly worth mentioning.
> 
> I suppose not everyone masturbates either, but those are damn few that have never done it.
> 
> Seems silly to get your nickers in a twist over such a small number. I suppose it's worth mentioning, so the naïve will not be fooled.


All men watch porn, scientists find - Telegraph


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @TheTruthHurts
> 
> 
> Well, I believe *you*. Or, I believe that you believe what you're saying. Almost the same thing.
> ...


If it were only about body parts, it would not matter if the porn start (male and female) grossly fat, or had unattractive bodies/parts. But nope, the porn industry puts a lot of attention into the looks of the actors, especially the women.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> All men watch porn, scientists find - Telegraph


😏
“We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography,” said Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse. “We couldn't find any.”

... which is what I said. All have been exposed to it. But NOT ALL *CONTINUE* to use it. Whether some wish to acknowledge it or not, such men *do* exist.

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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> 😏
> “We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography,” said Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse. “We couldn't find any.”
> 
> ... which is what I said. All have been exposed to it. But NOT ALL *CONTINUE* to use it. Whether some wish to acknowledge it or not, such men *do* exist.
> ...


Actually, they didn't say that not all continue to use it. Do you have a citation for that?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> Actually, they didn't say that not all continue to use it. Do you have a citation for that?


The "not all continue" was my own, statement of fact, based on my own experiences. Argue if you wish, it is, indeed, a fact. All they said was what I put in quotes, above...that all had been exposed to it.

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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> The "not all continue" was my own, statement of fact, based on my own experiences. Argue if you wish, it is, indeed, a fact. All they said was what I put in quotes, above...that all had been exposed to it.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


Ok, if you personally know men who don't use porn, then I can't argue with that.

I've never known asexual men, but I'm sure they exist.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Daisy12 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I are working on our marriage after a porn and lying issue. We are trying to improve our sex life and I want to know more about what he likes and wants so I can meet his needs. I asked him to go on my favourite lingerie website and pick somethings he would like me to wear. As I am looking through what he saved I noticed he picked an outfit I already have and have worn twice for him? Very recently too. What does this mean? Did he pick it because he liked the girl in the picture or could he possible not really remember or notice that it was the same one I have worn before?


He wouldn't have remembered.

Most men are very coded and compartmentalised in thinking. Focussing on a very few things at a time, then swapping over like a channel surf to a different thought, and letting intuition fill the spaces. There is no "feed through" between them or blurring.

So when you had the lingerie, he would have been impressed...by the way YOU looked in it - unless he works in textiles - he wouldn't even be able to do more than vaguely recall/intuition the color let alone anything more detailed. This is because, IN THAT MOMENT, you are the object of interest, and his entire attention is related to what that means and _how_to_make_that_better_. 

That last bit is worthy of underline because it's not "better for his future purposes" or "what I need to do today because I need to be nice" - none of those feminine self-directed lines of consequence.

The result is that trappings like fancy lingerie are like xmas wrapping, in themselves they're only fancy for the moment, but you miss the special and mystique if its not done, and doing it properly makes a difference, but the memory is not about the way the ribbon is tied but the gift and its emotional meaning. (in that moment).


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> Ok, if you personally know men who don't use porn, then I can't argue with that.
> 
> *I've never known asexual men, but I'm sure they exist.*


Same. I've not met any asexual men, either, but I am sure someone, somewhere, knows at least one.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> But aren't we always being told that men are "more visual" :scratchhead:
> 
> That's why they respond to porn and lingerie and so forth . . .
> 
> ...


For me personally as a man i am "more visual" then my wife but she will remember more then I will. Since she could tell you more details the day after it would seem like she noticed more, I just cant pull certain details out of memory that I didn't know I would need later.
In the case of lingerie i would notice then but not remember because it was not my focus but i would know if I liked it.



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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

I think this discussion missed one major appeal of lingerie/porn: namely, a sex-positive attitude. The women in porn & lingerie catalogues aren't just hot, they're enthusiastic & eager. Naturally it's fantasy, unburdened by the mundane demands of life which can make such attitudes harder to achieve. But to the extent a man focuses on the actress as an individual woman & not merely a collection of parts, that's what he's getting from her: unqualified acceptance in the sexual domain.

For couples mired in mundanity (or worse), lingerie may be more important as a pattern-interrupt signal than a visual stimulant. It says that right now I am feeling confident & sexy as hell, and I want you, unconditionally. No need to read tea leaves to see if this might be a good time, or negotiate some tortuous path of romancing & warming up.

If a guy has (or seeks) regular sex with you, he's into you physically. So if he also uses porn or wants to see you in lingerie, it's not necessarily true that he's making direct invidious comparisons to the models'/actresses' physiques. He may well be focusing on the attitude of raw desire & acceptance these symbols convey. If that atmosphere doesn't often apply in the relationship, then it might be a fruitful area to concentrate on. (I'll hurry to add that fostering such an environment is a mutual responsibility.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> All men watch porn, scientists find - Telegraph


:laugh: 

Thanks man. I just wish it was a little more reputable source. 

Careful, you'll draw the ire of the burned. 


oops, maybe I shouldn't have posted that......


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Thanks man. I just wish it was a little more reputable source.
> 
> Careful, you'll draw the ire of the burned.
> 
> ...


Heh. If you mean me, at all, then you're too late. I already responded. And *gasp* no anger about it. Besides, this article was posted in another thread months ago. And, as I pointed out earlier, the article only points out that all have been exposed to it. It doesn't separate them according to how much exposure. It doesn't address those who did, but no longer do. It doesn't address those who only saw dad's videos in their teens, then chose to not watch them once in a long term relationship or marriage. 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Heh. If you mean me, at all, then you're too late. I already responded. And *gasp* no anger about it. Besides, this article was posted in another thread months ago. And, as I pointed out earlier, the article only points out that all have been exposed to it. It doesn't separate them according to how much exposure. It doesn't address those who did, but no longer do. It doesn't address those who only saw dad's videos in their teens, then chose to not watch them once in a long term relationship or marriage.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


WTF are you talking about?? Are you on drugs? If not, see your doctor. You may need to start some. 

I'm just warning him that he is sticking his neck out and then joking that I might be too. 

Guess what?? You proved me right!! And if you actually read my post, you'd see where I typed something like, "I just wish it was from a more reputable source". 

What does that mean to you? I guess nothing, cause you went through the process of attempting to "correct" me. 

Get a grip, Maricha. You're losing it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> WTF are you talking about?? Are you on drugs? If not, see your doctor. You may need to start some.
> 
> I'm just warning him that he is sticking his neck out and then joking that I might be too.
> 
> ...


Ummm... I'm fine, actually. It truly appeared you were implying something else. 

All I said is the article had been posted months ago on TAM. And, that I wished it had differentiated between the different groups of exposure. I have actually *agreed* with the premise that all have seen it lol. You did say you wished it was from a reputable source. It was the rest of it that made me question to whom you were referring. You thanked tech for sharing the article, which had been posted in reference to something I had said. Thus, my suspicion that you meant, at least, I would be one jumping on him (and you). So, if that was not your intent, then I do apologize.

And, to answer your question, no, I am not on drugs. THAT, along with your suggestion that I should get on some, IS insulting. You and I normally get along pretty well. I am not sure what your problem is lately, but I sure hope you figure it out, soon. You, 2ntnuf, DO seem to be a lot different lately. 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm... I'm fine, actually. It truly appeared you were implying something else.
> 
> All I said is the article had been posted months ago on TAM. And, that I wished it had differentiated between the different groups of exposure. I have actually *agreed* with the premise that all have seen it lol. You did say you wished it was from a reputable source. It was the rest of it that made me question to whom you were referring. You thanked tech for sharing the article, which had been posted in reference to something I had said. Thus, my suspicion that you meant, at least, I would be one jumping on him (and you). So, if that was not your intent, then I do apologize.
> 
> ...


Do you get this confused often?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Do you get this confused often?


Do you?


ETA: What, exactly, am I confused about? I truly don't think I am. But maybe, if you explain why YOU think I am confused, I might understand where you're coming from.
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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

tech-novelist said:


> Ok, if you personally know men who don't use porn, then I can't argue with that.
> 
> I've never known asexual men, but I'm sure they exist.


Do you not see how insulting that is? I also know men who do not watch porn, Joe being one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm... I'm fine, actually. It truly appeared you were implying something else.
> 
> All I said is the article had been posted months ago on TAM. And, that I wished it had differentiated between the different groups of exposure. I have actually *agreed* with the premise that all have seen it lol. You did say you wished it was from a reputable source. It was the rest of it that made me question to whom you were referring. You thanked tech for sharing the article, which had been posted in reference to something I had said. Thus, my suspicion that you meant, at least, I would be one jumping on him (and you). So, if that was not your intent, then I do apologize.
> 
> ...


Right? He's gotten downright rude lately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Do you not see how insulting that is? I also know men who do not watch porn, Joe being one of them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And my husband is another of them.

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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> Do you not see how insulting that is? I also know men who do not watch porn, Joe being one of them.


No, I'm afraid I don't see how I'm insulting anyone.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> No, I'm afraid I don't see how I'm insulting anyone.


I think she means your comment could be taken more than one way, and one of those ways *is* insulting. 

When I first replied, I hoped for the best, and replied in kind. My reply was assuming you meant you had met neither men who chose to not watch porn, nor men who were asexual... meaning two different people.

But, it could also have been taken that you were implying that *only* asexual men choose not to watch it. If THAT was your intent, then pidge is correct about it being insulting. 

So... which did you mean? 

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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

tech-novelist said:


> No, I'm afraid I don't see how I'm insulting anyone.


It seems to me that you are implying that a man would have to be asexual to not watch porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> :laugh:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Huh? How more reputable can you get than a UK tabloid quoting a Canadian study lead by a French researcher?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> I think she means your comment could be taken more than one way, and one of those ways *is* insulting.
> 
> When I first replied, I hoped for the best, and replied in kind. My reply was assuming you meant you had met neither men who chose to not watch porn, nor men who were asexual... meaning two different people.
> 
> ...


I have met neither asexual men nor men who don't watch porn (as far as I know in either case). I don't know how much they overlap, obviously.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I can assure you that there are men who do not watch porn. They are, for the most part, Christians who don't view it because it goes against their beliefs. However, I have never met any man (that I know of) that has never watched porn at some point in their lives. Of course, I don't ask..., but still...:grin2:

I don't have "proof", but I can come to that conclusion based on my own personal experience, and knowing many outstanding Christians.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Thanks men. The ladies seem to be in denial or something.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would have to agree with you 2ntnuf. 

I have seen these threads time and time and time again. Every time men say "all guys looked at porn just some lie about doing it". Then some women come along and say " I know guys who never looked at porn". Hmm where are these men I wonder since none of the same gender have ever met them apparently. I do know plenty of guys who lie to their spouses about watching it or looking at a naked pic here and there.

Now I have been in a relationship with a woman who didn't want me to watch porn and while I was with her I truely didn't since we negotiated that she would not turn me down for sex. But before and after that yep.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I would have to agree with you 2ntnuf.
> 
> I have seen these threads time and time and time again. Every time men say "all guys looked at porn just some lie about doing it". Then some women come along and say " I know guys who never looked at porn". Hmm where are these men I wonder since none of the same gender have ever met them apparently. I do know plenty of guys who lie to their spouses about watching it or looking at a naked pic here and there.
> 
> Now I have been in a relationship with a woman who didn't want me to watch porn and while I was with her I truely didn't since we negotiated that she would not turn me down for sex. But before and after that yep.





2ntnuf said:


> Thanks men. The ladies seem to be in denial or something.


Keep telling yourselves that, boys. Some might think you feel threatened because some don't fit into your little mold about "all men". 

No, I am not on drugs. No, I don't need drugs, either, 2ntnuf. And, no, my husband does not lie to me about it. 

And Wolf1974, your assertion about not watching while with that particular partner is the type of situation I am referring to. WHY is it so hard for SOME to accept that there are men who CHOOSE not to watch at all while in a relationship? 

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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Keep telling yourselves that, boys. Some might think you feel threatened because some don't fit into your little mold about "all men".
> 
> No, I am not on drugs. No, I don't need drugs, either, 2ntnuf. And, no, my husband does not lie to me about it.
> 
> ...


Yep not what I said and not threatend at all. Could care less who does and doesn't look at porn. Just stating I have never known any guy who has never seen it. My post was clear on that


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yep not what I said and not threatend at all. Could care less who does and doesn't look at porn. Just stating I have never known any guy who has never seen it. My post was clear on that


I've never known any guy who has _never _ seen it, either. All along, I have agreed with that statement. You agreed in your previous post that the "ladies are in denial" though. I haven't seen even one who said their husbands have never seen it, only that they don't watch it, now... which is as you stated about one of your previous relationships. My posts have bern clear on that, too.

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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> I've never known any guy who has _never _ seen it, either. All along, I have agreed with that statement. You agreed in your previous post that the "ladies are in denial" though. I haven't seen even one who said their husbands have never seen it, only that they don't watch it, now... which is as you stated about one of your previous relationships. My posts have bern clear on that, too.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I only agreed that women were in denial if they think men never see porn which AGAIN was what I stated. Note I did *NOT* quote you and did not tell you that you were wrong on that point right?? Anything else was just an assumption or projection on your part and not appreciated. 

It seems we agree here so think we will leave it at that .


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I was wondering if this thread would go down the tubes and become personal. Yep, sure did. Her other OP is very important to this thread. After 18 years of marriage, with a reasonable explanation of the porn use plus the drive issues, it would be pretty silly to die on this hill.


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## MikeTO (Aug 18, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> This is why I couldn't understand how he could not remember an outfit I wore twice but he remembers a pair of underwear that I had on once and he saw for 2 seconds while getting dressed. I figured that being turned on by visual cues he would remember the outfit. Maybe I am wrong and men really do only notice 10%.
> 
> I was in no way setting my husband up. A lot of the problems in our marriage has been lack of communication and not being honest with each other about our sexual needs and desires. I wanted to see what turned him on so I could buy lingerie which would please him.



Do you realized men are shamed for wanting sex? Look at that creep for wanting sex!

Men who watch porn regularly can have a foggy memory.


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## MikeTO (Aug 18, 2016)

pidge70 said:


> It seems to me that you are implying that a man would have to be asexual to not watch porn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I"m asexual and I watch porn.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

Firstly, if the woman on the website was a different body shape than his wife that pushed his buttons, he probably picked the item because he liked the look of it ON HER. Why do you think men are attracted to some women wearing an old t-shirt? Men generally don't get turned ON by clothing alone - although granny underwear and woolly socks can certainly turn me off ! 

ANY man with a normal sex dive will use porn from time to time, unless his wife has sex with him A LOT. 

Why doesn't she suggest watching porn together with her husband? What is the hangup about porn anyway? I'm sure she watches some films where she fancies some guy in the film, or maybe even thinks of him when masturbating ? What is the problem?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Good Guy said:


> Firstly, if the woman on the website was a different body shape than his wife that pushed his buttons, he probably picked the item because he liked the look of it ON HER. Why do you think men are attracted to some women wearing an old t-shirt? Men generally don't get turned ON by clothing alone - although granny underwear and woolly socks can certainly turn me off !
> 
> ANY man with a normal sex dive will use porn from time to time, unless his wife has sex with him A LOT.
> 
> Why doesn't she suggest watching porn together with her husband? What is the hangup about porn anyway? I'm sure she watches some films where she fancies some guy in the film, or maybe even thinks of him when masturbating ? What is the problem?



From what I've read here and know from my ex is, many women do not get turned on by porn. They get turned on by reading romantic erotic literature. Maybe some porn that starts with an hour and a half of flirting and foreplay would work, I don't know. I know the visual is usually enough to raise one of my eyebrows. Apparently, there is some difference in how our brains work.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I'm the kind of guy who looks beyond what a woman is wearing, hence the sheer stuff for me . >
Seriously, if your husband is an azz man, buy something that accentuates your azz. If he's a tit man, you know what to do. I like curvy and my wife buys accordingly.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MikeTO said:


> I"m asexual and I watch porn.


why do you watch porn then?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> From what I've read here and know from my ex is, many women do not get turned on by porn. They get turned on by reading romantic erotic literature. Maybe some porn that starts with an hour and a half of flirting and foreplay would work, I don't know. I know the visual is usually enough to raise one of my eyebrows. Apparently, there is some difference in how our brains work.


Oh they get turned on by porn alright .... problem is most porn is not made for a female audience but is made for a bunch of sad arse men.

Last 10 years some internet studios have opened up with female porn, but it's a challenge finding something that lines up with her tastes, especially since most women are very immature, so just as public alcohol and violence are now becoming out of control in the female population (yet wasn't 20+ years ago) so the increasing problem with female porn expectations/addiction is on the rise.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> But nope, the porn industry puts a lot of attention into the looks of the actors, especially the women.


Especially the women?? Lol.

they just have more women to choose from who are willing to make a buck from their bodies, and more men willing to pay for average or better women.

The guys in those videos tend to be very much well above average.
In the past it was whether of not the guy was a steady "woodsman" - ie he could get it up and keep it up on demand, on camera through a shoot. Not very many men could achieve that.
Although with modern chemical assistance the options have increased. don't see many videos with "average" guys either.


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