# My husband doesn't want change



## Kristyn

This year has been some major changes in my life for the better. I went into a shell for over 20years and now I'm out and I don't like what I see. I have made a lot of changes on the inside of me and now it's time for the outward to change. My husband and I have been sweeping issues under the carpet for years. I found out he had his own checking account behind my back and way back in my head I fear he is or was having an affair. When I confronted him he threw it back in my face and refuses to talk about any issues. He wants everything to stay the same as it has for the past many years. I say our marriage needs help and he won't agree. If one partner feels that way then something needs to be done to fix the problem.

Why do men get comfortable in lousy situations and fear change when it would be for an improvement to the marriage. I can't sweep the issues under the carpet anymore and I just don't know what to do.


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## Amplexor

I’m guilty of this very same attitude. Not listening to my wife about our marriage until we hit the wall. Some men need to be walloped in order to bring them into the proper focus. It’s call therapy with a 2x4. If he did not deny an affair then you may need to push the issue with him. If he still won’t talk make an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell him you are going whether he does or not. See if that brings him a round. If he has completely clammed up there are likely deeper issues.


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## Honey

Kristyn said:


> This year has been some major changes in my life for the better. I went into a shell for over 20years and now I'm out and I don't like what I see. I have made a lot of changes on the inside of me and now it's time for the outward to change. My husband and I have been sweeping issues under the carpet for years. I found out he had his own checking account behind my back and way back in my head I fear he is or was having an affair. When I confronted him he threw it back in my face and refuses to talk about any issues. He wants everything to stay the same as it has for the past many years. I say our marriage needs help and he won't agree. If one partner feels that way then something needs to be done to fix the problem.
> 
> Why do men get comfortable in lousy situations and fear change when it would be for an improvement to the marriage. I can't sweep the issues under the carpet anymore and I just don't know what to do.


Some men want their cake and eat it too, hun. Think their wife will take it, and will live with them knowing this. As long as you let him do you wrong, love, the more he will. Tell him that either we go talk about our marriage, or don't let the door hit you in the azz on the way out, because I am not taking it..I'm done.


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## Blanca

Kristyn said:


> I say our marriage needs help and he won't agree. If one partner feels that way then something needs to be done to fix the problem.


Ya and in general, since its your idea, you get to do the fixing. afterall, it is your idea.

It took you twenty years to get to where you are now. If you want your H to change you'll have to be extremely patient. its not his idea. He's ok with things. and for twenty years that's been ok. its not really fair to expect him to just up and change because it's a good time for you. 

You'll have to learn the right way to approach him. And respect that he is separate from you and doesnt have to do something just because that's what you think is right. 

You've worked on you and come very far. Now you'll have to learn about boundaries and how to incorporate you in your new relationship.


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## draconis

Kristyn said:


> This year has been some major changes in my life for the better. I went into a shell for over 20years and now I'm out and I don't like what I see. I have made a lot of changes on the inside of me and now it's time for the outward to change. My husband and I have been sweeping issues under the carpet for years. I found out he had his own checking account behind my back and way back in my head I fear he is or was having an affair. When I confronted him he threw it back in my face and refuses to talk about any issues. He wants everything to stay the same as it has for the past many years. I say our marriage needs help and he won't agree. If one partner feels that way then something needs to be done to fix the problem.
> 
> Why do men get comfortable in lousy situations and fear change when it would be for an improvement to the marriage. I can't sweep the issues under the carpet anymore and I just don't know what to do.


maybe it is because he has the marriage where he wants it. To him it isn't a partnership.

draconis


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## justean

it sounds like you have woken up and realised how things in your marriage really are!
after 20 yrs, change wil prob be very difficult. but then from your mail, it seems hes been having his changes all to himself and you havent been included.so you wil prob find you wil get heated up more and more, until you may not be able to take n e more of your situation. 
he seems to feel that he can do what he wants, but your the wife at home and i agree with above, wanting the cake and eating it. 
he has definately had changes, look at what he has done. 
but as he doesnt get confronted, he gets away with it. this is why he wants things to stay the same.


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## voivod

Kristyn said:


> Why do men get comfortable in lousy situations and fear change when it would be for an improvement to the marriage. I can't sweep the issues under the carpet anymore and I just don't know what to do.


aren't you assuming the "lousy situation" to prove your hypothesis??? you are...i hope you don't take that the wrong way...but brilliant science minds aren't allowed to take that kind of liberty with logic..the only right you have to do it is because you are talking about you...

and that's ok...so....

let's look under the "carpet"...what has been "swept under" there??? "improvement to the marriage" means what to you??? does it mean the same to your spouse?

1) what do you like about your marriage?

2) what do you dislike about your marriage?

it's time to look at all the shades of black and white on the spectrum to find out what "improvement on the marriage" means...and i'm a fan of the institution...good luck, you've come to the right place...


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