# A Good Husband trying to stay "good" in marriage



## TiredHusband (Jun 4, 2010)

First I would like to say that I stumbled across the group after an exhaustive search for what to do about my problem. I have been married for 8 years to a wonderful woman. For the most part we are happy. We have three great kids, good careers and a nice house. So I know it sounds ridiculous that I should complain, right?! 
So here is my issue, I wake up in the morning and fix breakfast for the family, make everyone's lunches and take my youngest two to daycare. I then go to work, work a full day then I leave to go pick up the young ones from daycare. When I get home I do homework with the oldest, make dinner , give baths to the little ones then I go to bed to start the cycle all over again. My wife works full day but has a long commute back and forth to work. So I am not mad about helping out or taking care of my kids. 
My issue is that my wife appears to have a really low sex-drive. I have been tracking your sex life on a calendar. I get one maybe two short love sessions a month. It appears that she has this 7 day "sex window" , if I miss out due any reason. I have to wait 28 days until her window comes back again. We have talked in depth about it, she says that she can't control it she just only is interested in sex once or twice month. We are only in our 30s and I don't know what to do. It seems like with each passing year our sex life declines 10%. I don't want to stray, but I also don't want to begin to detest my wife. I have even asked her if she would be willing to give her husband a "hand" sometimes, but she says that when she is not in the mood she doesn't want to engage in any type sex act. She has even told me she worries that I will leave her because I have a strong libido. What can I do?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

My wife and I are both in our 30's with 3 kids and a 4th on the way. Except for short periods of time we have sex at least twice a week, which explains the 4 kids ;-). Generally speaking your wife's sexual desires should be starting to peak, not wane. So getting "older" and having children shouldn't cause a couple to loose their sexual drive.

Has she gone to a doctor? Is she on Birth Control? The fact that it's almost like a calendar seems to me (I'm not a doctor though) that she could have some kind of hormonal imbalance?


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## TiredHusband (Jun 4, 2010)

Crypsys -She is not on birth control at the moment. I took the plunge and got the snip snip. I do think she may be peri-menopausal but she is afraid to find out for sure. Thanks for your insight


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

That it is calendar precision is not surprising. Most women are horny right around their cycle, just before by a couple or three days and during. I say most women because it works that way for me and every woman I ever spoke with about it, but medical literature suggests it is pre-cycle by a couple weeks. But hey, I'm no doctor either. I'm just a lowly woman who can't tell the time of month that I'm horniest LOL. :scratchhead:

You and wifey have fallen in routine rut. It's time to bring the spark back and create some excitement for each other. This movie will show you how. Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles.

And if you can be patient a little longer, 30s begins a woman's prime time of life. She becomes more confident in herself among other things, and she wants sex more often.......normally.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I forgot to mention 30s is young for perimenopause unless she is going to into menopause pretty early.


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## TiredHusband (Jun 4, 2010)

Thanks, Susan. I will look for the movie. As for the peri-menopause, I believe that he is going through it because for a time her periods we getting shorter by days but then she would think she stop then find spotting for a 6 days after she thought it stopped. Again I am no doctor but I do know my wife and her cycle very well. I want her to be happy / healthy first an foremost but I am just trying to understand the difference between having a week where you kinda turned on then 3 weeks where your cold as freezer in north pole.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It sounds as if it's time to insist on a physical if her period is that irregular. It might be indicative of something serious that needs to be addressed.

You know, it maddens me when I hear spouses refusing sex to each other unless they are "in the mood". Men especially need sex three to four times a week for health reasons such as decreased risk of prostate cancer, lower risks or heart disease, etc... Sometimes you just have to get over and do it - or "take one for the team" as it may play out. Not to say you should become a martyr or ALWAYS put out when you aren't in the mood, but push yourself a bit harder and do what you need to do to help keep your partner healthy and satisfied at least.

Sex can be pleasurable even if you aren't in the mood. Many times, you get in the mood after sex has started. Even as you mentioned, to give you a hand, it doesn't even sound as if you are asking for full intercourse, but that sexual connection needs to be strengthened and she needs to do something to get over her selfishness or your marriage is going to suffer. Perhaps you'll never reach three to four times a week with her, but come on, she could manage to give you quite a bit more sex than what she is right now, regardless if she's in the mood or not. 

What would the world be like if we only did things when we were in the mood? Sex is not different than anything else in life, other than being most important, along with food. We wouldn't be here without sex, and we wouldn't survive without food and water. Everything else is negotiable.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

HappyHer said:


> it maddens me when I hear spouses refusing sex to each other unless they are "in the mood". Men especially need sex three to four times a week for health reasons such as decreased risk of prostate cancer, lower risks or heart disease, etc... Sometimes you just have to get over and do it - or "take one for the team" as it may play out.
> 
> Sex can be pleasurable even if you aren't in the mood. Many times, you get in the mood after sex has started. Even as you mentioned, to give you a hand, it doesn't even sound as if you are asking for full intercourse, but that sexual connection needs to be strengthened and she needs to do something to get over her selfishness or your marriage is going to suffer.


Boy do I ever agree with all of this! :iagree::iagree::iagree:

I would even go further in saying women who treat their men like this should not be at all surprised when their husbands fall into either an emotional affair or a physical affair. 

Sounds like the 2 of you are carrying so much weight - too busy to slow down & enjoy life , smell the flowers.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I agree with HappyHer and SimplyAmorous. I intended to mention the fact that she has some obligation in that area but forgot. If "not in the mood" is her excuse all the time, then she is soooo wrong for treating you this way. But is it her *real* reason? The two of you may need a deep discussion for to share her deepest feelings about the matter. Like HappyHer indicated, many times a woman is not in the mood but once she gets involved, she's glad she did and no longer feels "not in the mood." I have spent my entire sexual life - during the times I didn't feel like it - saying okay because I knew I was going to enjoy it too. So that's my question: Does she enjoy it too? Or, are there other problems in the marriage that perhaps makes her too resentful to give in to you?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Good for pointing that out Susan2010! Many times it's not because a woman isn't in the mood, it's because she is feeling resentful, or there is some other issue that she isn't bringing to the table. Some just get out of the habit of wanting sex and need a prod to get back into it. But even if there are problems, that don't involve physical issues or major issues such as abuse or affairs - only twice a month seems like cruel and inhumane treatment.


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## TiredHusband (Jun 4, 2010)

Thanks HappyHer and Susan, but I have asked those same questions and have not got anywhere. There was a point early in our relationship our sex was always great. After our second child it was hit or miss, she complained of pain often. But after the birth of our third child everything seemed fine. We just don't have it often. 
But this morning took the cake... So I was starting to feel better after the responses I have gotten from all the great people who took the time to reply to my issue. So on this rare occasion I got home early and so did she. I was resting on the couch and she comes home. She lays next to me on the couch, and says " how about some sex?" I was like great! then she talks her self out of it in 30sec. "Oh look at the time, we have to go get the kids soon and then if we have sex now I will be too tired to do anything later" So I said "ok, lets wait until tonight. " We got through the rest of the evening and she tells me she is now really too tired to try. So this morning she and I am the first ones up, I make my advances to no avail. She tells me "You are 24 hrs late... I am no longer in the mood." This provoked an argument over the fact that she came to me and got my engine revved for it then changed her mind. I can't stand it.


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## pulse (Mar 24, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> So that's my question: Does she enjoy it too? Or, are there other problems in the marriage that perhaps makes her too resentful to give in to you?


TiredHusband - I believe Susan2010 has hit the nail on the head. I can't see how you can move on without exploring these issues. Will you?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

That was just cold blooded. Next time, perhaps you can tell her that you'll give her time to nap. In fact, come home from work, take the kids, tell her to nap and prepare herself for you, and not to worry if she's "in the mood" or not, because chances are throughout your time together she'll end up in "in the mood". 

Honestly, there may be some underlining issues, but it sounds as if she's being very selfish.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

THAT was a male fitness test. She totally jerked you around to see what you would do. What she almost certainly wanted was for you to firmly and sharply tell her that was not acceptable. And then shut her down - no conversation other than about schedules - and none of this home maid crap - until she makes it right by taking you to bed AND apologizing. Seriously she was doing a spine check. A woman who does that WANTS her man to put his foot down and show what he is made of. 

BUT - power is not about yelling/screaming or threatening. Power is about restraint and self control and clear communication. 

When I tell my wife "that was unacceptable", she can either provide a very solid explanation, or she can apologize and try to make it right. If she chooses to do neither - the nice helpful fun guy she married immediately morphs into a quiet unhelpful person who has no trouble patiently waiting for her to come to her senses. Even if that takes a week. 






TiredHusband said:


> Thanks HappyHer and Susan, but I have asked those same questions and have not got anywhere. There was a point early in our relationship our sex was always great. After our second child it was hit or miss, she complained of pain often. But after the birth of our third child everything seemed fine. We just don't have it often.
> But this morning took the cake... So I was starting to feel better after the responses I have gotten from all the great people who took the time to reply to my issue. So on this rare occasion I got home early and so did she. I was resting on the couch and she comes home. She lays next to me on the couch, and says " how about some sex?" I was like great! then she talks her self out of it in 30sec. "Oh look at the time, we have to go get the kids soon and then if we have sex now I will be too tired to do anything later" So I said "ok, lets wait until tonight. " We got through the rest of the evening and she tells me she is now really too tired to try. So this morning she and I am the first ones up, I make my advances to no avail. She tells me "You are 24 hrs late... I am no longer in the mood." This provoked an argument over the fact that she came to me and got my engine revved for it then changed her mind. I can't stand it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> THAT was a male fitness test. She totally jerked you around to see what you would do. What she almost certainly wanted was for you to firmly and sharply tell her that was not acceptable. And then shut her down - no conversation other than about schedules - and none of this home maid crap - until she makes it right by taking you to bed AND apologizing. Seriously she was doing a spine check. A woman who does that WANTS her man to put his foot down and show what he is made of.


Damn right! 

At the risk of poring gasoline on the flames, may I suggest you read this little piece I wrote some time ago, it might help you to see which bits bits need toughening: 
Sexless Marriage?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah, beat your chest and grunt like a hairy ape when she does stuff like that. 

She'll get the point.

Enough yakking and more [email protected]#$ing!

I'll tell you. . .if it weren't for men, I think our species would have winked out a long time ago from attrition.


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