# Messed up over wife's affair - what do I do?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

My wife and I have been married over 26 years - shes 49 and im 50. Few years ago she started going out on weekends and clubbing with her friends and I said I was uncomfortble with it and she said well why dont you come along - which is what I started doing. So I did, then I started working nights and she would text me throughout the night to ensure that I knew where she was. BUT she started coming extremely close to her work mates at work and I was driving her to work one day and she said "people at work are like my family and Im going to start going out with them on Friday nights." I said okay just keep me posted on what is going on but was clear - that me and her two sons were her family NOT her workmates. I didnt think much of it UNTIL one night i came home and she was loaded drunk on the bed smelling of beer - she was never a big drinker and didnt drink beer - so I confronted her on this and she said everyone was just ordering rounds..I let it go but was suspicious. So I checked her cell phone and noticed the telephone log was deleted as was her sent texts...so i confronted her about this and she said "i delete lots of things..." I said that doesnt explain why youd delete just sent and telephone log...i said it doesnt make logical sense. A week later, I was supposed to pick her up from work at 6PM and it was 8:30PM and she was still not out..I called her texted her nothing,, finally she comes out and says ill take a cab and i said id like to talk to her for a minute..she gets in car reeking of booze, and i aske her where she was since 4pm (when she got off) she said "the office" - I said "when did they start servng beer at the office? theres no need to lie here because I never cared if you had a few drinks". she then said " oh we went to the pub after work" so I said "so you actually went to the pub and then the office to create an alibi and then to me..I said why do you have to lie about this?" She said nothing - the next day i told her she didnt love me and she said what would prove it I said lets go to a movie and then out - we did and I was a bit settled. On sunday we were holding hands but she did not want us to see a mutual friend she worked with...on Monday she told me she was moving out, she left leaving me and my 17year old son alone..i asked her if id ever see her again and she said yes at weddings funerals and graduations.....
I am miffed how a woman can live with someone for 27 years and walk out the door like it was nothing. 
That was 1 month ago and I havent seen her since...she started posting bizarre stuff on fb - like katie perry's song - this is the part of me..." then she posted toni braxton's song "you're making me high" i think to make me jealous and mad ..my mother said let her do it as shes only making a fool of herself.. sure enough she took all those songs and photos down as well as the family pictures and she is almost a facebook nonenity....question - what the hell is going on with her other than the affair? Is taking down the pictures a good sign of her guilt? of her possibly coming around? I have never gne through this..also I want her to experience karma for the hurt shes caused me and our family is there such a thing? Will her newfound fling last? I want her to experience the pain shes caused me and our family.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Does she see your son?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> My wife and I have been married over 26 years - shes 49 and im 50. Few years ago she started going out on weekends and clubbing with her friends and I said I was uncomfortble with it and she said well why dont you come along - which is what I started doing. So I did, then I started working nights and she would text me throughout the night to ensure that I knew where she was. BUT she started coming extremely close to her work mates at work and I was driving her to work one day and she said "people at work are like my family and Im going to start going out with them on Friday nights." I said okay just keep me posted on what is going on but was clear - that me and her two sons were her family NOT her workmates. I didnt think much of it UNTIL one night i came home and she was loaded drunk on the bed smelling of beer - she was never a big drinker and didnt drink beer - so I confronted her on this and she said everyone was just ordering rounds..I let it go but was suspicious. So I checked her cell phone and noticed the telephone log was deleted as was her sent texts...so i confronted her about this and she said "i delete lots of things..." I said that doesnt explain why youd delete just sent and telephone log...i said it doesnt make logical sense. A week later, I was supposed to pick her up from work at 6PM and it was 8:30PM and she was still not out..I called her texted her nothing,, finally she comes out and says ill take a cab and i said id like to talk to her for a minute..she gets in car reeking of booze, and i aske her where she was since 4pm (when she got off) she said "the office" - I said "when did they start servng beer at the office? theres no need to lie here because I never cared if you had a few drinks". she then said " oh we went to the pub after work" so I said "so you actually went to the pub and then the office to create an alibi and then to me..I said why do you have to lie about this?" She said nothing - the next day i told her she didnt love me and she said what would prove it I said lets go to a movie and then out - we did and I was a bit settled. On sunday we were holding hands but she did not want us to see a mutual friend she worked with...on Monday she told me she was moving out, she left leaving me and my 17year old son alone..i asked her if id ever see her again and she said yes at weddings funerals and graduations.....
> I am miffed how a woman can live with someone for 27 years and walk out the door like it was nothing.
> That was 1 month ago and I havent seen her since...she started posting bizarre stuff on fb - like katie perry's song - this is the part of me..." then she posted toni braxton's song "you're making me high" i think to make me jealous and mad ..my mother said let her do it as shes only making a fool of herself.. sure enough she took all those songs and photos down as well as the family pictures and she is almost a facebook nonenity....question - what the hell is going on with her other than the affair? Is taking down the pictures a good sign of her guilt? of her possibly coming around? I have never gne through this..also I want her to experience karma for the hurt shes caused me and our family is there such a thing? Will her newfound fling last? I want her to experience the pain shes caused me and our family.


FILE DIVORCE PAPER ASAP.

She has abandoned the marriage and family. 

Does she maintain a separate bank account? If not close the joint account and open one up in your name only. 

Cancel all joint credit cards.

Do not chase and beg her to come home and do not try to analyze her behavior. 

Work on making a happy life for your son and yourself. You might find out you are happier with out her to complicate your life.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Oh wow! She's so irresponsible.
She's acting like a 17 year old rebellious teenager!!!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

double post.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

She tries to prove her love to you by going to a movie and then out.



bigtone128 said:


> the next day i told her she didnt love me and she said what would prove it I said lets go to a movie and then out - we did and I was a bit settled.


A few days later she says she's moving out and you'd never see her again except for events for people that you both know.



bigtone128 said:


> on Monday she told me she was moving out, she left leaving me and my 17year old son alone..i asked her if id ever see her again and she said yes at weddings funerals and graduations.....


She disappeared after that, it's been a month and you haven't seen her since.



bigtone128 said:


> That was 1 month ago and I havent seen her since


You have some questions. 



bigtone128 said:


> question - what the hell is going on with her other than the affair?


The affair could be the whole reason, it probably is.



bigtone128 said:


> Is taking down the pictures a good sign of her guilt?


Who knows?




bigtone128 said:


> of her possibly coming around?


See the answer directly above.




bigtone128 said:


> I have never gne through this..also I want her to experience karma for the hurt shes caused me and our family is there such a thing?


There is no such things as karma in the sense that there's some sort of "get even universal force" but if she makes bad decisions they'll eventually come back to bite her, but right now it appears she's just having fun and not concerned about any consequences.




bigtone128 said:


> Will her newfound fling last?


Usually they don't but sometimes they do. It's a roll of the dice.




bigtone128 said:


> I want her to experience the pain shes caused me and our family.


Don't stick around waiting for it. Try to get to the point that you don't care what happens to her one way or the other.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She going through a mid life crises.

Her new boy friend is most likely younger and insecure, and made her take her FB page down.

Now is the time to gather your strength and move on. 

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts!


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds like a major mid-life crisis to me (the attitude, the clubbing, the drinking) and she's bailed on you and your son. At this point, I agree that divorce is your only option.

Removing her info from facebook may be due to her employer - or peers at work. Don't read any regret or guilty feelings on her part into it. It's likely that her posts have caused her problems of some sort and that's why she removed them.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

What new boyfriend? While it's possible, maybe even likely, we need to slow down here. To me, it sounds like she's become an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis. She's 49 and clubbing? That's pathetic. She may come around - but the only way she does is if you act like you completely don't care and spend your time with other people.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you found the OM have you exposed to friends and family?

Have you visited a lawyer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I would also suspect substance abuse w/ this behavior. I'd follow the above advice and see a lawyer now.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thanks for your help everyone - I think the guy is younger than her because she was a supervisor and supervised alot of younger staff. She was bringing books to work for a "coworker" to read and now has moved to be a block within her work so she can walk to work. She was "written up" by the union for "hugging" a younger male coworker. I dismissed it as her being caring. Yes she sees our son as she texts him to meet her after work and gets him not to tell me. what is really bothersome is we used to have such an open home where people could come in and discuss things and now it has turned into this dark secretive place where no one trusts anyone anymore...i am angry at this and angry she cannot see what she has done to everyone..I want her to see...One more thing about fb - i understand why she took down the sexy songs but why would she take down family pictures, wrok pictures, etc everything - its like shes lost her identity? I am really confused about that. I know Ill never be able to trust her again but I still care about her....is that messed up? I dont want her to get hurt or worse yet hurt herself when she realizes what she did.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you found the OM have you exposed to friends and family?
> 
> Have you visited a lawyer?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I know who the other man is and have exposed this whole thing to friends and family - surprisingly even her family are supportive of me but im sure this will change..the worst thing is she spread untruths about me to our friends and kids to coverup her misdoings ...and Ive had to keep defending myself against these accusations ...everytime i do she keeps drudging up more crap....it is all because she feels guilty for what shes doing...will she ever come to her senses and apologize?


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Yes I know who the other man is and have exposed this whole thing to friends and family - surprisingly even her family are supportive of me but im sure this will change..the worst thing is she spread untruths about me to our friends and kids to coverup her misdoings ...and Ive had to keep defending myself against these accusations ...everytime i do she keeps drudging up more crap....it is all because she feels guilty for what shes doing...*will she ever come to her senses and apologize*?


I think that matters only if you want to R


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> Few years ago she started going out on weekends and clubbing with her friends and I said I was uncomfortble with it and she said well why dont you come along


:slap:

So we knew where this was headed. A major change in behavior like this in her late 40s. Sigh.

Not sure if you could have successfully headed this off.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> Yes I know who the other man is and have exposed this whole thing to friends and family - surprisingly even her family are supportive of me but im sure this will change..the worst thing is she spread untruths about me to our friends and kids to coverup her misdoings ...and Ive had to keep defending myself against these accusations ...everytime i do she keeps drudging up more crap....it is all because she feels guilty for what shes doing...will she ever come to her senses and apologize?


Expose it at her work if they work together.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until she breaks from this younger man who now has control of much of her life hences the FB being taken down and the move.

I suspect that this kid has a strong hold over your wife, and with that there will be drugs and booze involved.

I suggest you do some research and a back round check on her boyfriend. This tactic my give you the ammunition to fight this thing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Notify HR at work. It may harm her job, but right now your marriage is completely over and you family is torn appart.

You might be able to shock some sense into her. It sounds like there may also be drugs involved too. Has she done drugs in the past?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

michzz said:


> You need to get cold-hearted and strategic in your tactics.
> 
> Do not mess up her source of employment. Doing so will only put you more responsible financially for her in the future than you are now.
> 
> ...


but in this case, the workplace is driving her cheating.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She will wake up one of these days---but it will be way to late for her----for you should have moved on

She will be facing her golden years by herself---and that ain't no fun

Her young lover, maybe has got what he wanted, and is moving on---and she is to embarressed to admit the truth of what destruction she has caused, and is having her own mental breakdown----or has been already said---midlife crises----who knows

Just stay firm and hold your ground----no matter what, if she wants back into the family----do not make it easy on her, if you do still want her, which I would think, you do not----she doesn't deserve a loyal, loving, good H----she deserves the kind of crap she will hang around with the rest of her life, and she has only herself to blame.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Look at the silver lining in this cloud. You've been married to this same woman for more than a quarter century. The "new" has had to have worn off (if you know what I mean). She simply walks out. Now you're rid her and her problems and can start dating a lot of relatively younger and hotter women. :smthumbup:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BT,

The smartest thing you can do if you really care about her is serve her divorce papers.

I truly mean that.

It shows her that you are strong enough to move on without her.

It shows her that you will not tolerate her lousy behavior.

It shows her that you will not allow your reputation to be bashed by her.

It shows her that you are not afraid to live your life with your morals intact.

Go see an attorney. Your son is still a minor. Have her kick in her share of child support and maybe the mortgage too.

Hit her where it will hurt her. In her pocket.

Or you can just move on without her in your life.

Only she can stop her poor behavior. You cannot control her.


HM64


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> Few years ago she started going out on weekends and clubbing with her friends


huh? she was in her mid-forty's at the time!

she really needs to start acting her age. by this, i mean being repsonsible.

must be having some type of mid-life crisis.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

The thing I am most miffed about is her anger towards me...she treats me like garbage and one would think she would feel guilty and apologize for what shes done and that despite doing wrong shed at the very least do well by our kids and family. at the very least be apologetic for the pain shes caused...i keep thinking i should have seen this coming and wished i never married her. crazy but true. I keep saying i should have put my foot down when she was clubbing but didnt feel i had a choice she was going to do it anyway...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> The thing I am most miffed about is her anger towards me...she treats me like garbage and one would think she would feel guilty and apologize for what shes done and that despite doing wrong shed at the very least do well by our kids and family. at the very least be apologetic for the pain shes caused...i keep thinking i should have seen this coming and wished i never married her. crazy but true. I keep saying i should have put my foot down when she was clubbing but didnt feel i had a choice she was going to do it anyway...


She treats you this way so she can make you out to be the bad guy and that keeps her from feeling guilty. This has happened quite a few time here. Yes, you should have put your foot down about the girls nights out, that never works out as you can see. Dringking and partying are for single people and people who want to be single.

Do the 180 and move on.  There is nothing else you can do. She may come out of the fog but you cannot force her out of it. Let her know you are filing for divorce so you can move on and then stop communicating with her except for financial and child related topics.

Have you been to your doctor? Are you in counseling for PTSD?

Heres is a link you can use to rebuild your self:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Read "Married Man Sex Life"

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Good luck


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> The thing I am most miffed about is her anger towards me...she treats me like garbage and one would think she would feel guilty and apologize for what shes done and that despite doing wrong shed at the very least do well by our kids and family. at the very least be apologetic for the pain shes caused...i keep thinking i should have seen this coming and wished i never married her. crazy but true. I keep saying i should have put my foot down when she was clubbing but didnt feel i had a choice she was going to do it anyway...


Putting your foot down when she was clubbing would have only made her want to do it more - she's acting like a teenager - and when you tell a teenager "no", they become even more rebellious.

I know the feeling of wishing you'd never married her. I had all the faith in the world in my H for 20+ years - life was good (or so I thought) - then suddenly everything changed. It's really hard to look back and realize that you've been living a lie.

I believe my H also had a major mid-life crisis - it happens - but what bothers me more than anything is the fact that he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling. He chose to turn to someone else.

Like your W, he treated me with anger during the affair and even became violent at times. I suffered a black eye, several bruises and three stitches as a result of his outbursts. He was totally out of control and the affair changed him - the man I married would have never laid a hand on me.

I finally made up my mind that if I couldn't find the man I married, it would be over. I basically gave him an ultimatum. Since then, he's rebounded and things are much better. But I've never stopped wondering how different my life might have been had I not married him in the first place.

My point is, you're not alone in feeling the way that you do. When someone we love betrays us, it's normal to wish them away - because had they never been in our lives, we wouldn't be hurting now.

Her anger is also normal (in my opinion) - I think they use that as a protection mechanism. They direct it at us so they don't have to be angry with themselves for their behavior - it's placing blame rather than accepting responsibility for their actions.

It doesn't sound like this woman is anywhere close to admitting her sins - she's still in the fog of her newfound freedom and she may never see the light. You need to do what's best for you and your son - she's on a self destructive path and you can't change that. You need to move on and rebuild your life so that you can find the happiness you deserve.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thank so much for your support and kind words. Just knowing that other people have gone through this helps me a great deal. the betrayal i also feel is how she turned to someone else regarding our problems and not to me. she once had an emotional affair and went to counselling and the counsellor said once you turn outside the relationship for help you are in trouble - so we had an agreement not to discuss our problems with others...it obviously appears that this was ignored...now its over..i get waves of sadness that hit me and then i feel better then hit again.....


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

You're on the roller coaster my friend - and it isn't easy to stop the ride and get off - especially when you've been married for a long time. I find myself feeling the same way, but I think we have to be patient with ourselves "life isn't about weathering the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain" and I think (or at least hope)we'll get there eventually.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I repeat, study the 180 and go to your doctor. Then find a therapist that understands PTSD.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

What is the 180? And it is funny you mention PTSD because I had anxiety attacks when I was younger and got over them but since this happened i am once again feeling blind-sided by all this.......hard to get my head around how selfish and inconsiderate she is....perhaps i missed this side to her when we were married...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A 180 link below


The Healing Heart: The 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The worst thing you can do is find reasons to blame yourself. 

Look, you will never know why your wife has done this horrible thing. Some people when they hit their 40s just go off the rails, for whatever reason. My soon to be ex wife is doing the same thing as yours. My filing for divorce has not stopped her behavior but it at least got me out from under her. 

Follow the advice you have been given. File for divorce, do the 180 and "go dark" on her to protect yourself. Start taking care of yourself and see to your own health and sanity. You cannot control what your wife does, you can only control how you respond to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Can I ask another question? I am a good guy and since my wife's and my separation after her affair - a few women have asked me out and I am considering going out with them - should I go?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Can I ask another question? I am a good guy and since my wife's and my separation after her affair - a few women have asked me out and I am considering going out with them - should I go?


Not until your divorce agreement is filed and the process is underway. You don't need to give your wife any ammo to uses against you if the D should go before a judge. 

For me, my goal is to commit to stay true to my marital vows until the D is final. Not to prove anything to my STBXW, but for my own self respect. I need to know that I stood for something that she couldn't.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Bandit - there will be plenty of time for dating once you're done with your wife (legally). I'm sure you're lonely, but hang in there.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Bandit and Jin are correct. The important thing is that it proves you don't have to tolerate her crap in exchange for a few scraps she throws to you if and when she feels like it.


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