# Is this disrespectful?



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Yesterday I went on a business trip. I got home late and the kids were already in the bed. My wife and I have recently had arguments over how much information she shares with her mother about our marriage. I've told her to stop as it usually tends to paint me in a bad light since she never shares any positives. I've documented some of that in prior posts here. 

We had an argument about it just last weekend when I saw some things her mother had said about me. My wife apologized and told me she wouldnt talk to my MIL about our marriage. 

I had a suspicion she was still doing it. I looked at her phone this morning and she had told MIL last night that "things had gone much more smoothly with the kids at bedtime without me home." She then said that was "sad" and got into speculating with MIL about why that was, etc. 

I was really offended by this comment but wonder if my perspective is skewed or biased.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Yup. 

It's disrespectful and unhelpful, and for the reasons which you pointed out. Your perspective is very far from skewed.

I can't imagine she'd like it if you were to complain about her to your parents, who would then largely associate her with negative impact upon you life. Have you asked her that?

Question: how has the MIL responded to her complaints? Does she respond with negatives about you? Does she like you/agree with her daughter being with you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes, that is disrespectful. If the need to badmouth one's spouse exists, there's a problem that has to be addressed, or the negativity is just going to keep multiplying.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

jd08 said:


> Yesterday I went on a business trip. I got home late and the kids were already in the bed. My wife and I have recently had arguments over how much information she shares with her mother about our marriage. I've told her to stop as it usually tends to paint me in a bad light since she never shares any positives. I've documented some of that in prior posts here.
> 
> We had an argument about it just last weekend when I saw some things her mother had said about me. My wife apologized and told me she wouldnt talk to my MIL about our marriage.
> 
> ...


Totally rude, and after you've told her how you feel about it? Were you aware that there's an issue with the kids getting into bed on time when you're home? Or is she complaining to her mom about things she hasn't even discussed with you? Makes you wonder what else she's saying about you...sounds like a relationship divided to me. I can understand her talking to her mom if it's a case where you aren't listening to your wife, but I don't know the background there.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

She told you she would not and she did. That is a breach of trust and you should call her on it. But do consider whether your request is reasonable. I understand it is common for women to discuss their marriage with their mother. If you don't like that as her sounding board, what alternatives would you be okay with?

Also ask yourself why were you offended by this (all things considered, it does not seem all that horrible to me)? Is there any truth to it?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with TAG. It's pretty natural for women to turn to other women to vent those small things, and it's certainly better than having her blow up at you or build resentment because she doesn't have an outlet. While she betrayed your trust by doing what she said she wouldn't, it may have been an unfair request in the first place. I know I'd have an issue with you telling me what I could talk about and with whom. Shrug... but then, I'd also be careful not to disrespect you or treat you unfairly when talking. 

However, it *is* important to consider whether her mother is a friend of your relationship or not. If she can be fair and objective, great. If she's bashing you, though, it's a red flag.

It's also important to consider whether your wife is voicing valid complaints, or if she's assassinating your character.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yes, I think it is disrespectful that she did something she agreed not to do.

It is normal for people to seek out a safe person to discuss problems with. I think her mother is filling that role. Though in general I think parents are not a good choice for a safe person because they tend to side with their child. Parents are not neutral.

Perhaps an approach for you to take is to suggest marriage counseling with your wife. This gives her a safe neutral stage to discuss issues. It also gives you a place to ask her again not to discuss it with her mother as it undermines your marriage relationship, and your wife may feel some accountability for her promise not to discuss the marriage with her mother.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I agree with TAG. It's pretty natural for women to turn to other women to vent those small things, and it's certainly better than having her blow up at you or build resentment because she doesn't have an outlet. While she betrayed your trust by doing what she said she wouldn't, it may have been an unfair request in the first place. I know I'd have an issue with you telling me what I could talk about and with whom. Shrug... but then, I'd also be careful not to disrespect you or treat you unfairly when talking.
> 
> However, it *is* important to consider whether her mother is a friend of your relationship or not. If she can be fair and objective, great. If she's bashing you, though, it's a red flag.
> 
> It's also important to consider whether your wife is voicing valid complaints, or if she's assassinating your character.



I agree with this. Women do need other women to talk to and for some women it is their mother. Mothers can be great confidants because of their life experience and knowledge. 

As long as her mother is not stirring the pot, is being a good sounding post for her daughter, and giving "good" advice when needed, then I don't see a problem with it.

I have gone to my mother several times in my almost 30 years of marriage and my daughter, who is getting married in less than a month, already comes to me. That is what moms are for. Our job as parent and advisor is not done when our kids walk out the door.

To be fair to you though, ask her to at least let her mom know when you do do something good.

Also, is her complaints justified?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

We do depend on moms for support but unfortunately going to family and ranting/venting our hurts does nothing but cause siding in many cases. As much as your wife wants to depend on her mom, she needs to stop. She needs to address these issues with you.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Thanks for the perspectives. As to whether MIL is a friend of the marriage I don't particularly think so. The comment that led us to the previous talk was when MIL said she "thought I would be a good dad." My wife was upset at the time because I had gotten upset over a small thing involving our daughter and I raised my voice once. My wife is extremely sensitive to things involving the kids and so whenever I do anything like get angry it just ends up coming back to haunt me. I'm not out of control by any means and it doesn't even happen that much; it's just normal everyday parent frustration. But MIL making the "thought I would be a good dad comment" took me aback. 

I never said she couldn't talk to her but I did say if she had a problem I wish she would come to me first and give me a chance to fix it instead of going behind my back and painting me in a bad light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

As an example, one thing we fight about is sex. She will tell her mom that I am in a bad mood over sex. Her mom's last response was "ugh!! Guess you'll have to psych yourself up to do it." Wtf?




sh987 said:


> Yup.
> 
> It's disrespectful and unhelpful, and for the reasons which you pointed out. Your perspective is very far from skewed.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

jd08 said:


> As an example, one thing we fight about is sex. She will tell her mom that I am in a bad mood over sex. Her mom's last response was "ugh!! Guess you'll have to psych yourself up to do it." Wtf?



Yuck... her talking to her mom about your sex life is just creepy, in my opinion.

I remember some of your other posts. Your MIL is not a friend of your marriage, but that's because, as you said, your wife feeds her a constant stream of negatives about you. I get the feeling that your MIL did the same thing to her husband, so she sees this as normal for a marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Yuck... her talking to her mom about your sex life is just creepy, in my opinion.
> 
> I remember some of your other posts. Your MIL is not a friend of your marriage, but that's because, as you said, your wife feeds her a constant stream of negatives about you. I get the feeling that your MIL did the same thing to her husband, so she sees this as normal for a marriage.


I remember some of your older threads also.
Frankly I thought you would leave her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about becoming her safe person?

How about becoming the first person she thinks of sharing her feelings with, because she knows you will always listen and lovingly consider her perspective?

How about, instead of judging her actions as disrespectful, you start to seek first to understand why she has acted as she has? 

How about taking the attitude, "if there is a problem here, I have caused it. And if I have caused it, then I can fix it." And then how about asking your wife how you can fix it, and then really listening when she tells you.

Basically, take responsibility for the relationship. Assume that she will eventually react positively. In the meantime, reflect deeply and regularly on everything you love about your wife, and how much you would miss her if she were suddenly killed in a car accident.

And just keep on loving her and being an example of kindness until she is ready to join you in a relationship of respect and love. 

Be the leader.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Its really unfair to have a partner who is confiding intimate details to anyone outside a proffessional.

As stated there is then the strong chance that all the confidant gets is the negative. Then when things are revealed you are the "bad guy" because your always the bad guy.

If your W has promised NOT to discuss things with her mother following your discussions and continues then you have some options. Tell her you know she has now betrayed your trust, tell her you knwo about the "kids go better to bed" comment which she has never discussed (I assume) with you - That in its self is a form of betrayl. Holding back information which you are not aware is an issue only to use it to form alliance with someone outside your immeadiate marridge.

You could then set the boundries. As your W speaks so openly to to her mother about intimate details, YOU'LL now do the same. then have some details she would be horrifed to have others know about her. That in itself is a leveller and I suspect will cause her to get up tight about it. Then its a tit for tat process. You may not do it, however, the thought that her dirty linen is being washed with someone outside might make her see how it feels. AND your not doing anything wrong are you? Your only doing what she does, so that must be OK.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jd08 said:


> As an example, one thing we fight about is sex. She will tell her mom that I am in a bad mood over sex. Her mom's last response was "ugh!! Guess you'll have to psych yourself up to do it." Wtf?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Omg! She should not be discussing that with her mother!!!

I'm a firm believer that you don't discuss marital issues with family...it paints a negative picture, especially if you only do it when you're upset or angry.

I only talk about the good in my husband to my family.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I'm starting to conclude that she keeps me around for financial security (I'm the sole wage earner) and because she likes the idea of being married and having kids. I don't feel like I am very respected among her or her mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

jd08 said:


> As an example, one thing we fight about is sex. She will tell her mom that I am in a bad mood over sex. Her mom's last response was "ugh!! Guess you'll have to psych yourself up to do it." Wtf?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope nope nope.

This is a perfect example of the kind of thing you don't bring up to your mother. Sex is the most intimate thing that happens between a husband and wife and has zero business being brought up with parents. 

Also: ick! I don't want to know a single detail of my parents sex lives, and I don't want them to know a single detail of mine.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Omg! She should not be discussing that with her mother!!!
> 
> *I'm a firm believer that you don't discuss marital issues with family...it paints a negative picture, especially if you only do it when you're upset or angry.*
> 
> I only talk about the good in my husband to my family.


Absolutely. I long held to the opinion that if it wasn't a big enough deal to raise with my wife, then what business do I have bringing it up with anybody else? Besides, after she and her husband clear up the issue and resolve it happily, the family is left only with the negatives. And if they're not a fan of the marriage in the first place, it's a wedge.

Before my wife and I were got hitched, we went through pre-marital counseling. The counselor drew a circle, and wrote our names in it. He drew circles outside of that with the names of parents, siblings, etc, and talked about how if a couple keeps that whole, they're doing well.

Then, he drew another set, but described a situation EXACTLY like OP's, where one or both spouses was bringing in parents/outside people. The circles for external family were now being drawn well within the marital circle. "There can only be two people in a marriage. If you do this, you're weakening your bond." We both liked how he illustrated it, and this has not been an issue for us. Like every marriage, we have had others, but not taking our problems to family.

It sort of reminds me of this article:
Don't share your marital woes with friends - they will talk you into divorce... and other tips on saving your marriage from relationship counsellor Andrew G.Marshall | Mail Online

Now... "Hubby leaves his socks on the floor", "He squeezes the toothpaste from the top" and "He leaves the milk on counter"....... That can come up with family and friends. Those are fairly fine, because it's silly stuff.

But actual issues? Not at all.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

jd08 said:


> I'm starting to conclude that she keeps me around for financial security (I'm the sole wage earner) and because she likes the idea of being married and having kids. I don't feel like I am very respected among her or her mother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, this is where you may be making leaps of logic and just assuming you know what she's feeling or thinking. You're unhappy about something you have every right to be unhappy about, and it can cloud your judgment, and could be ascribing feelings and thoughts to her which she may well not have.

Time to have an honest talk, and if you two can't do it well on your own, then with a counselor to help.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jd08 said:


> Thanks for the perspectives. As to whether MIL is a friend of the marriage I don't particularly think so. The comment that led us to the previous talk was when MIL said she "thought I would be a good dad." My wife was upset at the time because I had gotten upset over a small thing involving our daughter and I raised my voice once. My wife is extremely sensitive to things involving the kids and so whenever I do anything like get angry it just ends up coming back to haunt me. I'm not out of control by any means and it doesn't even happen that much; it's just normal everyday parent frustration. But MIL making the "thought I would be a good dad comment" took me aback.
> 
> I never said she couldn't talk to her but I did say if she had a problem I wish she would come to me first and give me a chance to fix it instead of going behind my back and painting me in a bad light.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The bigger problem here & correct me if I'm wrong, is when you discipline the children, your wife gets upset. There is nothing wrong with raising your voice to children when they misbehave. Your wife is not portraying a "united front" when it comes to disciplining your children. When you do, she gets upset with you & runs to her Mother to complain who I assume is agreeing with her that you are a "mean Dad" & validates her feelings rather than do what I would do & tell her that she is wrong.

If you & your wife don't get on the same page soon about discipline for the children, trust me this will get worse especially when they are teens.

Please don't stop disciplining the children because your wife runs to her Mother to complain. That is not what's important here. What is important is that you do what's best for your children.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Why would you want to be married to such a person? You should just file for divorce. Screw that. How can you even look at her?


Uhhh.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

jd08 said:


> Yesterday I went on a business trip. I got home late and the kids were already in the bed. My wife and I have recently had arguments over how much information she shares with her mother about our marriage. I've told her to stop as it usually tends to paint me in a bad light since she never shares any positives. I've documented some of that in prior posts here.
> 
> We had an argument about it just last weekend when I saw some things her mother had said about me. My wife apologized and told me she wouldnt talk to my MIL about our marriage.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. She needs to be telling you all these things, not her mother. She is being disrespectful to you, as you have expressed your wishes to her, and yet you have found more texts.( not to sure about the snooping through her phone tho).

Sounds like there are 3 people in your marriage. Could you not speak to the MIL???.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

LoveLonely said:


> Why would you want to be married to such a person? You should just file for divorce. Screw that. How can you even look at her?
> 
> 
> Uhhh.


Nobody would like it if their spouse did that, but BOOM! Straight to divorce?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

And only just read the bit about the sex........... Discussing your sex life with the mother.... OMG the thought of even talking about sex to my mother mortifies me..... That is so personal. I would be a bit embarrassed as well. clearly not right.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jd08 said:


> As an example, one thing we fight about is sex. She will tell her mom that I am in a bad mood over sex. Her mom's last response was "ugh!! Guess you'll have to psych yourself up to do it." Wtf?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think it's all that creepy for her to talk to her mother about their sex life. It's not like she's talking about techniques they're using! How many parents teach their kids to come to them instead of relying on peers or bad information? Even if we're adults, we look to our role models for guidance on important things, and wife clearly trusts mom.

Also, it sounds like mom's response IS marriage-friendly when you really look at it. The "ugh" is a way for her to sympathize, and telling daughter to psych herself up to do it is a way of telling her daughter that she has a duty to be there like that for her husband in a way that the daughter can actually accept hearing without feeling defensive.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

start telling one of your parents and see how she likes it. - Maybe the wrong thing to do but it may show her things from your perspective.

It is disrespectful completely. A man and women in a relationship with problems should be able to talk and sort out their own problems - not with one partner running to mummy as if she is 5. Her mother will not see thing from an ojective POV as she is related. 

I wish you luck on this one


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

jd08 said:


> As an example, one thing we fight about is sex. She will tell her mom that I am in a bad mood over sex. Her mom's last response was "ugh!! Guess you'll have to psych yourself up to do it." Wtf?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do you know what her mother responded? Checked her phone?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I dunno. I talked to my mother about sex because it was extreme,y painful, and I felt stupid talking to my girlfriends about it, and my doctors were offering no solutions. She helped me trouble shoot and even took the kids the night the physical therapist gave us the go ahead, knowing full well they were watching kids so we could bang each other...which still hurt so therapy was a bust at that point lol.


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