# I think I am done with our marriage.



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This week has been very tough for me. I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I can not see us ever married as husband and wife anymore. 

So sad.

I was still on board and willing to work on it even a few weeks after she walked away, but this seperation now in its 9th week is a nothing relationship. 

She will not agree to come back and try staying at home or increasing contact and I can't do this alone, so I am done. Now I just need to get the courage to have that conversation.

I struggle how to approach this. Just tell her I am done or ask her if this is what she wants to. I think we both know it is over, but neither wants to pull the trigger.

I can't imagine the pain that is ahead. I got a presciption from my doctor that should help with the extremes, but a part of me does not want to drug myself through this...any thoughts?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Well, I think we need more information on what has happened to get you to this point. Divorce is very painful, but so is staying in a bad marriage. Give us some more information.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I should have just kept one long thread going. Been here for almost a year now. In a nutshell she shocked me with a call for Divorce in February of last year. I was clueless she was that far gone. Classic Walk Away Wife....look it up.

Had to convince her to one MC which failed, tried other things which she was never on board, currently in 2 months of a second MC after she walked away and seperated.

She is just not trying enough and I have wasted a year. I don't see us reconciling and believe I have to move on for my own sanity and life.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If you feel like it has come to the end of the road then do it just be certain as thats the decision your making for the rest of your life. Talk to your wife and see what she wants to do to let her know what your feeling so she knows where she stands to.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Awww, so sorry TIM. 

But...you're right, you can't do this alone. She is not softening to your advances...so just pull the trigger. Don't give her that control.

Take back your spine  File for divorce and have her served. You won't take any more of this crap. You gave it your all and she didn't.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I can already hear her give me a gray answer of uncertainty with what she wants. We have been over this many times in the past year. No commitment of any significants.

I think the bottom line is I have always promised to give 100% to help us/the marriage, she has only given 10% effort, blames me 100% for the fall out. Everyone I have talked with, even friends of mine who have talked with her friends, knows this is not true and many believe she is the one with the internal issue. 

She went through many dramatic changes in her apperience, late 40's braces on her teeth, which were fine, exercise craze, clothes, clothes, clothes, talk of a boob job, and even a very likely EA on the job.

Any issues she brought up in our discussions were validated and promises made and kept to show I was working on it. Still not good enough.

How can you ever know if this is the right decision? All I know is it has been a year, she moved away, she will not move back even to try one night and I am tired of being an option for her. It takes two to make it work and I am the only one working at it. 

There must be someone out there who would give a 17 year marriage, even a one year marriage more respect and dedication than she is. When is enough enough?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Enough already is enough.

Divorce isn't the end. But filing it could wake her up. She thinks you're just going to be there like a puppy, waiting for her to return.

She's out living her life, without you! Dude. Divorce her...or at least have her served. You can't make someone love you, and that truly sucks! But it's almost been a year and you're no where closer to her than you were.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Awww, so sorry TIM.
> 
> But...you're right, you can't do this alone. She is not softening to your advances...so just pull the trigger. Don't give her that control.
> 
> Take back your spine  File for divorce and have her served. You won't take any more of this crap. You gave it your all and she didn't.


This is very sad, but my resentment and pain is only increasing. I never wanted to do this because I loved her and our lives together, but I believe she has played me long enough and is a completely different person than the one I married.

My heart is broken.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I know you have a broken heart  The betrayed feeling is probably horrible  But you're right, she's NOT the same woman and maybe she never was.

That is NOT a reflection on you though. It's not BECAUSE of you. It simply is.

So stand up and say "ENOUGH!" and get your life back, man. Time to start rebuilding, without her.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Enough already is enough.
> 
> Divorce isn't the end. But filing it could wake her up. She thinks you're just going to be there like a puppy, waiting for her to return.
> 
> She's out living her life, without you! Dude. Divorce her...or at least have her served. You can't make someone love you, and that truly sucks! But it's almost been a year and you're no where closer to her than you were.


You are right. We are farther apart than we were in October like only a seperation like this can do.

Hindsight is always 20 20, but early in this I told her I would never seperate, only divorce because I had looked it up and only 10% of seperations return to a marriage. I know you hit that 10% but the odds were against us.

It is hard when you are still the one holding onto the love and want it to still work which made me give in to talk of seperation.

I am not looking forward to this. I still need to find a lawyer, not even sure where to begin.


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## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

TIM, I'm sorry it's come to this for you. I'm in a very similar situation in that my wife gave me the ILUBINILWU speech right after Christmas after I've been living on my own for 10 months and she's been with her parents. I asked her if D is what she wanted, and she said she "wasn't 100% sure." 

Since getting her to commit to a numerical percentage seemed absurd, I'm taking it to mean she either...

a) doesn't have the courage to tell me how she really feels (which, if you read my OP, is part of my wife's MO since day 1: lack of good communication)

or b) she still loves me but is afraid to commit after being hurt

Whatever the case, this is what I decided to do, and I hope this gives you some clarity...

When I last left off with my wife, she said she'd email me a long letter finally explaining how she felt - as I said, she'd been withholding her true feelings since we first got married. That was exactly 7 days ago come 6:50 pm today (but who's counting? )

Well, here we are a week later and no contact from her at all. Last Tuesday, I saw a D lawyer and he said that instead of filing, which might either scare her away or force her to counter-lawyer up kill any chances of an amicable mediation, he'd send an "intent letter" saying basically "Hi, your husband came to me wanting to discuss your marriage. Please contact me at etc etc"

It's a very friendly worded letter that accomplishes two things for me: One is my commitment to my 180 attitude of not calling, begging, stalking. Two is that it _should_ (hopefully) spur her to contact me. 

From what I've been reading, both on this forum and elsewhere on the interwebs, sometimes legal letters like this are the only things to shake our spouses from whatever fog they're walking through. My advice is to start D proceedings and _gauge very carefully how she reacts._ 

Since you can put the kybosh on D papers at anytime right up until you both sign, you really have nothing to lose except a few hundred bucks. 

That for me was more than enough for a little comfort. 

Stay strong, stick to the 180, and be the man. I know it hurts, but it does get better every day!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Limbo is hell. You will feel much better once the decision is made and you move forward with the divorce.

There is someone else out there for you who will treat you right. I wish that you could avoid this pain, but you can't go around this problem, you have to go through it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Meatpuppet said:


> TIM, I'm sorry it's come to this for you. I'm in a very similar situation in that my wife gave me the ILUBINILWU speech right after Christmas after I've been living on my own for 10 months and she's been with her parents. I asked her if D is what she wanted, and she said she "wasn't 100% sure."
> 
> Since getting her to commit to a numerical percentage seemed absurd, I'm taking it to mean she either...
> 
> ...


I scheduled to meet a lawyer Monday right before our MC meeting. We are supposed to be together tomorrow, but will sleep on it whether to meet or not, and if so what i will share with her.

I also joined a D/Seperation support group that starts at the end of January. 

I appreciate the insight on how you are dealing with your situation. 

My next relationship will require the other person is mature enough to fight for the marriage they agree to join, no more self-centered victims.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Limbo is hell. You will feel much better once the decision is made and you move forward with the divorce.
> 
> There is someone else out there for you who will treat you right. I wish that you could avoid this pain, but you can't go around this problem, you have to go through it.


I know it will take some time to heal from this and can not imagine the pain ahead, but I know something has to give. If it would have been up to her, we would have done nothing. I can walk away knowing I gave as much as one person dedicated can give, but it takes two.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I am so sorry you are feeling the way you do; but you said it yourself that you feel you have given what you can and she has not reciprocated. Once you make the decision either way, you will feel a bit better because you will have some direction. You know that you can't go on like this; it isn't the way to live. You have made a good step joining a support group for yourself. This road is not easy, but take of your needs now because no one else will. I know how you feel because I am going through it also and it is hell on earth at times, but things will get better-you have to believe it and live! I am pulling for you~


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you are saying she is the one with the issues, then clearly you were *not* giving 100% to reconciliation, not even 50%. Recognizing your own contribution to the dynamics that led her to disconnect (the disconnect itself is on her), is essential for the two of you to move forward. So I'm not surprised she's not making much effort, b/c she can probably tell that you are just doing the same old, same old. She points out what she needs, you take it as criticism/nagging/just "her issues, and whether you make a half-assed effort at change or not, you end up back in the familiar pattern she asked you to change in the first place. Why should she try when all you are really doing is blaming her?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! 

That girl is right. grab your boot straps and move on to a happier tomorrow!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

5Creed said:


> I am so sorry you are feeling the way you do; but you said it yourself that you feel you have given what you can and she has not reciprocated. Once you make the decision either way, you will feel a bit better because you will have some direction. You know that you can't go on like this; it isn't the way to live. You have made a good step joining a support group for yourself. This road is not easy, but take of your needs now because no one else will. I know how you feel because I am going through it also and it is hell on earth at times, but things will get better-you have to believe it and live! I am pulling for you~


Thank you. I can see the tough days ahead and can use all the support I can get.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> If you are saying she is the one with the issues, then clearly you were *not* giving 100% to reconciliation, not even 50%. Recognizing your own contribution to the dynamics that led her to disconnect (the disconnect itself is on her), is essential for the two of you to move forward. So I'm not surprised she's not making much effort, b/c she can probably tell that you are just doing the same old, same old. She points out what she needs, you take it as criticism/nagging/just "her issues, and whether you make a half-assed effort at change or not, you end up back in the familiar pattern she asked you to change in the first place. Why should she try when all you are really doing is blaming her?


You clearly do not know my story. It takes two to tango. I have been the only one offering and making change, then the target moves. I have recoginized my contributions, offered sincere apologies and validated her feelings and issues. She has offered nothing in return other than 100% blame on me.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
> 
> That girl is right. grab your boot straps and move on to a happier tomorrow!


That's a cheesehead for you!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

This is me said:


> You clearly do not know my story. It takes two to tango. I have been the only one offering and making change, then the target moves. I have recoginized my contributions, offered sincere apologies and validated her feelings and issues. She has offered nothing in return other than 100% blame on me.


Of course you have apoligies and validated her feelings... those are just words... what ACTIONS have you shown her to prove the change... and being that you've been separated for a relatively short time, and the damage on BOTH sides have been festering for years... I can only relate (by my experience) that she's waiting and watching for CONSISTANT, genuine change... and this takes time. The 100% blame on you is that she is still spittin' mad and upset... 

If you don't have the patience.. understandable.. to each their own limit... good luck with your future.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I have been following your story for a few months now, and I'm so sorry to see you in this situation. But, I think it is time for you to pull the trigger and free yourself from this limbo. 

It will be hard to go through but I think you deserve so much better, that even if you forced her to reconcile, you deserve someone with much more dedication and commitment, and sorry but I do not see her ever providing that for you.
You will feel liberated when this is all over with and you are able to move on with your life. You will feel even better when you meet someone who is worthy & deserving of your love. How nice it will be to meet someone who loves you and cherishes you in return! At this point, I would not waste any more time with your current W. I know that is easier said than done.... But I see this as a cyclical waste of time.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope that you have some peace outside of limbo soon, though. Hang in there.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> Of course you have apoligies and validated her feelings... those are just words... what ACTIONS have you shown her to prove the change... and being that you've been separated for a relatively short time, and the damage on BOTH sides have been festering for years... I can only relate (by my experience) that she's waiting and watching for CONSISTANT, genuine change... and this takes time. The 100% blame on you is that she is still spittin' mad and upset...
> 
> If you don't have the patience.. understandable.. to each their own limit... good luck with your future.


I don't have time to go into all of the changes I have made, lets just say if she had an issue, I promised to make the change and I made it. One example was the promise to attend all parties she wanted me to attend with her. I did that and she still left. Even our counselor has said her demands are beyond reasonable and she has yet to show and express the need to make her own changes.

Everything she has done is right in line with a mid-life crisis. The problem is more inside of her than from me. Read up on MLC's and it will make sense. The spouse becomes the target in every case.

I have had a year of patience and still waiting for her to show she is trying. I am looking forward to a better future.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Lydia said:


> I have been following your story for a few months now, and I'm so sorry to see you in this situation. But, I think it is time for you to pull the trigger and free yourself from this limbo.
> 
> It will be hard to go through but I think you deserve so much better, that even if you forced her to reconcile, you deserve someone with much more dedication and commitment, and sorry but I do not see her ever providing that for you.
> You will feel liberated when this is all over with and you are able to move on with your life. You will feel even better when you meet someone who is worthy & deserving of your love. How nice it will be to meet someone who loves you and cherishes you in return! At this point, I would not waste any more time with your current W. I know that is easier said than done.... But I see this as a cyclical waste of time.


Thank you. Of course there will always be doubt, but I believe I have been fair and given her every chance to show an effort. 

I think the reality struck me this week. I wish her no ill will and wish her happiness as I want for myself.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope that you have some peace outside of limbo soon, though. Hang in there.


Thank you!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I too am sorry, but we all have our limits.

At some point you have to look at your life and your happiness.

You deserve to be happy, it's not like you have not given her every chance to join you.

I wish you the very best moving forward!


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Hi TIM, 

i have been following your story since a few months ago...im mainly a lurker and eventho i read a lot i dont usually post, however im compelled to chime in this time because i feel that we are in such a similar situation.

you've replied to one of my thread last year and just a short recap on it so that you know my side of the story....my hubby told me he doesn't love me anymore the day after valentine's day last year (15th Feb 2011) and he said that we have disconnected for a while and he had no intention of reconciling whatsoever. He moved out of our family home in March 2011 and he did not give any sign of changing until November 2011.

I have to agree with Rose in saying that your wife is looking for signs or prove of consistancy in your changes because that is exactly what my hubby was looking for. We have been together for 16 years so he knows me really well and I can contest in saying that he has been waiting and watching to see if the changes that i made is genuine and if i will remain consistent in my changes. 

You see in the past i have made promises of changes that was prompted by something that happened between us and the changes will only last for a few short months and things will go back to how it was. This is why i think he is being so cautious about us this time around.

Eventho he indicated that he is finally willing to try again and reconnect, he is still not back home yet....i didn't ask him to because i wanted it to come from him. However after almost a year we are moving very slowly towards the future and we both realised that there are still a lot of tough times ahead. We also realised that cannot resolved years of disconnection in a short period of time.

It takes a lot of patience and time, and even now he is still not sure about how he feels but he has made a lot of effort and i can see that he is trying.

I know people have different time limits on waiting time and being in limbo is hell (been there for 10 months and its no fun!) when he walked out I made myself a time limit as well (which i decided would be a year from the day he moved out) and im not sure where we are going to be at when that time comes but as long as we are making progress i think im gonna continue to work on our relationship and keep being patient eventho it is not going as fast as i would like 

My advice would be to put all the resentment aside and make a decision not based on how you are feeling. My emotions go up and down constantly throughout this whole experience (just like a rollercoaster ride lol) so if there is one thing i can advise you is to not make a decision based on your emotions.

Whatever your decision will be, I really hope you will find some peace with it with no regrets. Good Luck!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I too am sorry, but we all have our limits.
> 
> At some point you have to look at your life and your happiness.
> 
> ...


Thank you friend!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

DownUnder said:


> Hi TIM,
> 
> i have been following your story since a few months ago...im mainly a lurker and eventho i read a lot i dont usually post, however im compelled to chime in this time because i feel that we are in such a similar situation.
> 
> ...


Thank you DU. I do remember your story as I heard the D word about the same time. The Friday before Valentines Day. 

My patience has run out. She knows I have been trying and she has been running away. Nothing can change or prove change when only one is working on it. 

We talked yesterday and I have alot to share, just not time right now to cover it. She did admit some things that she never said before, which is typical that she would keep it held in rather than share it till it is too late. She actually said she has seen a change in me. My problem is I have not seen the change in her or ever hear her say she needs to change. 

The bottom line is we both would have to change and work at change. I can't be the only one doing it.

We will meet with the MC tonight right after I meet with a lawyer. Sad.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

This is me said:


> Thank you DU. I do remember your story as I heard the D word about the same time. The Friday before Valentines Day.
> 
> My patience has run out. She knows I have been trying and she has been running away. Nothing can change or prove change when only one is working on it.
> 
> ...


Man Im rowing the same boat but only for about 6 weeks now, I KNOW im impatient and everybody keeps telling me to be patient, but its hard. I havent set a time line yet. We are in marriage counseling at the moment and been to 3 sessions. There is no seperation, I told her flat out im not leaving my home. Ive also consulted a lawyer and they told me the same thing. We have 2 small children, one an infant, so Im not going anywhere, those children are my life at the moment. But like you, Ive done a total 180 in word and action. Been doing it now for 6 weeks and still nothing. Life in limbo.....


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Don't leave. SHe up and walked out which is basically the final straw. I read somewhere that seperation only reconciles 10% of the time. 

It takes two to make it work. I wish you well!


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