# Husband thinks I’m leading him on



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Sometimes, when my husband is at work, I start thinking about him and I will send him suggestive text messages during the day. The thing is, he’s away from the house for like 12 hours a day because of work. So, sometimes, by the time he actually gets home (usually around 10:00-10:30 at night) I’m not really in the mood anymore. I’m going to school full time and we also have a 4 year old and 18 month old twins, so by 10 pm, I’m usually pretty worn out. I sent him a few flirty text messages early Friday afternoon while he was at work. But by the time he got home that night, it was almost 11:00 and I told him I was really tired and that Id rather just get some sleep. Well, because of the text messages that I’d sent him earlier that day, he was under the impression that we were going to have sex when he got home, and he got really annoyed when I told him I had changed my mind. He looks at this like I’m “leading him on” but I’ve tried to explain to him that when I send him those messages, I’m being genuine. It’s not like I’m just trying to play mind games with him by making him think he’s going to get sex and then changing my mind. I can’t help it that my feelings change 10-12 hours later after I’ve been doing school work and taking care of babies all day. It’s not something I plan on, it just happens sometimes. He acts like once he gets the idea that we are going to do it that day, it’s really difficult for him to just switch that off. I’ve told him that if it’s that big of a deal, I just won’t send him those types of messages during the day anymore because there’s always a chance that I might change my mind by the time he gets home from work. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Does this happen to anyone else?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I’m divorced now, but I can relate. I can remember times when we were being flirty and I could tell things were heading in that direction. Then, let’s say we had friends come over unannounced. After they left, it was sometimes a totally different feel for her. For me, it’s just like I hit the pause button or put it in neutral until they left. I have always found it interesting as to how men and women can be wired so differently.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You could always give him a quickie, or a quick bj. A few more minutes, and a happy hubby.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sounds like the beginnings of a sexless marriage. The excuses are already in full swing. Make time for your husband. Even if you’re tired.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

He’s right, you are leading him on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You're being very self centered about this in my view.

What is he doing all day? Is he drinking beer and messing around with his friends while you study and get to see the firsts from your children in a safe home?

He is busting his ass for you to be able to do what you are doing.

Personally I would tell you not to bother yourself and find a woman a little more grown up.

Maybe you should go out and bust your ass for over 10 hours a day while he gets an education and takes care of the kids?

Mrs. Conan took care of our kids and never let me lift a finger in our home while I worked crazy hours to support us. She almost never turned me down for sex and I wouldn't have stood for it if she had your attitude.

There was one season in our life where she worked and I stayed home after I was injured in a terrible accident and I had dinner ready for her when she got home, massaged her feet every night and had hot baths ready for her after dinner.

Sex is mutual unless you have an immature attitude and hardly a chore compared to the other things in daily life.

You need to get your head in your marriage and stop putting it so far down on the priority list.

Your post bleeds contempt for your husband and entitlement.

If you really don't want to have sex with a man who works his ass off for you because it is not on your schedule, I'm aware of literally thousands of healthy young women who will want to.

My youngest son is in a similar situation with his fiance and she greatly appreciates him.

He works construction while she goes to school to be a nurse and they have three kids.

Do you maybe not appreciate just how good you have it?

Is your husband so bad in bed or so unattractive that someone else wouldn't appreciate him?


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

ConanHub, I honestly don’t know why you think I have contempt for my husband or that I don’t appreciate him. We have been married for almost 10 years, he is the first and only man I have ever been with. I chose him because I KNOW that he’s a good man. Maybe you’re under the impression that we never have sex, maybe I wasn’t clear enough. We do have sex on a regular basis. Usually at least once a week. And considering the fact that we have three small children, I think once a week is pretty good. BUT every now and then, we have an incident like what happened Friday night, where I think we’re going to do something but then he gets home late and I’m not in the mood anymore. When we do have sex, he gets pretty much whatever he wants. There’s nothing that he’s wanted to try that I’ve said “no” to. It sounds like you’re suggesting that because he has a job (as if being a full time student and taking care of three children under the age of 5 isn’t a job in itself), that I’m never allowed to change my mind about sex, I’m obligated to give him sex whenever he wants. Is that right or am I misunderstanding you? 

As far as him working while I go to school, I’m very appreciative of that and in less than 2 years when I get done with school, I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to go back to school while I worked. He has mentioned the idea before, and I would gladly do the same thing for him. 

Now that I think about it, I remember an incident about a month or so ago when my husband and I had planned on having sex but it ended up getting late and my husband was the one who said we should just wait and do it another time. But according to your logic, I guess it’s ok for him to do it because he’s the one with the job. He hardly ever turns it down but it has happened. I honestly don’t know why anyone would want for their spouse to have sex with them if they knew their spouse wasn’t really in the mood. That doesn’t sound like it would be fun for either party. I enjoy our sex life, I really do. And I’d say at least 90% of the time I am in the mood, but occasionally, there are times when I’m not. And again, I really don’t see what the point is in having sex if you’re not both fully into it.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> ConanHub, I honestly don’t know why you think I have contempt for my husband or that I don’t appreciate him. We have been married for almost 10 years, he is the first and only man I have ever been with. I chose him because I KNOW that he’s a good man. Maybe you’re under the impression that we never have sex, maybe I wasn’t clear enough. We do have sex on a regular basis. Usually at least once a week. And considering the fact that we have three small children, I think once a week is pretty good. BUT every now and then, we have an incident like what happened Friday night, where I think we’re going to do something but then he gets home late and I’m not in the mood anymore. When we do have sex, he gets pretty much whatever he wants. There’s nothing that he’s wanted to try that I’ve said “no” to. It sounds like you’re suggesting that because he has a job (*as if being a full time student and taking care of three children under the age of 5 isn’t a job in itself*), that I’m never allowed to change my mind about sex, I’m obligated to give him sex whenever he wants. Is that right or am I misunderstanding you?
> 
> As far as him working while I go to school, I’m very appreciative of that and in less than 2 years when I get done with school, I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to go back to school while I worked. He has mentioned the idea before, and I would gladly do the same thing for him.
> 
> Now that I think about it, I remember an incident about a month or so ago when my husband and I had planned on having sex but it ended up getting late and my husband was the one who said we should just wait and do it another time. But according to your logic, I guess it’s ok for him to do it because he’s the one with the job. He hardly ever turns it down but it has happened. I honestly don’t know why anyone would want for their spouse to have sex with them if they knew their spouse wasn’t really in the mood. That doesn’t sound like it would be fun for either party. I enjoy our sex life, I really do. And I’d say at least 90% of the time I am in the mood, but occasionally, there are times when I’m not. And again, I really don’t see what the point is in having sex if you’re not both fully into it.


To the bolded part ... in today's economy, staying home with kids and going to college while someone else supports you is a _privilege_ ... the majority cannot manage such a situation financially and, you are certainly not entitled to such an arrangement.

Your entire post is defensive ... bottom line is don't tease your partner with suggestive texts and then withdraw the offer, that's not nice.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Red Sonja said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > ConanHub, I honestly don’t know why you think I have contempt for my husband or that I don’t appreciate him. We have been married for almost 10 years, he is the first and only man I have ever been with. I chose him because I KNOW that he’s a good man. Maybe you’re under the impression that we never have sex, maybe I wasn’t clear enough. We do have sex on a regular basis. Usually at least once a week. And considering the fact that we have three small children, I think once a week is pretty good. BUT every now and then, we have an incident like what happened Friday night, where I think we’re going to do something but then he gets home late and I’m not in the mood anymore. When we do have sex, he gets pretty much whatever he wants. There’s nothing that he’s wanted to try that I’ve said “no” to. It sounds like you’re suggesting that because he has a job (*as if being a full time student and taking care of three children under the age of 5 isn’t a job in itself*), that I’m never allowed to change my mind about sex, I’m obligated to give him sex whenever he wants. Is that right or am I misunderstanding you?
> ...


I have the Pell grant, so my college is 100% free. If it wasn’t for the financial aid that I’m getting, we wouldn’t have had the money to pay for it. And again, when I get done with school, if my husband wants to go back to school, he would likely get financial aid as well, and I’d have no issue with working while he goes to school, just as he’s doing now. 

Yes, my post is defensive because I’m being accused of not appreciating or loving my husband, which couldn’t be further from the truth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

Your title that you used for this post.



> Husband thinks I’m leading him on


I think the consensus by both men and women on this site is he is right.

Don't ask the question you can't handle the answer.

What you are doing is unkind. Imagine he text you about taking you to dinner, then when he got home he said he was tired. Once or twice you probably would be OK but if it became a pattern it would bother you right?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> I have the Pell grant, so my college is 100% free. If it wasn’t for the financial aid that I’m getting, we wouldn’t have had the money to pay for it. And again, when I get done with school, if my husband wants to go back to school, he would likely get financial aid as well, and I’d have no issue with working while he goes to school, just as he’s doing now.
> 
> Yes, my post is defensive because I’m being accused of not appreciating or loving my husband, which couldn’t be further from the truth.


You presented a situation in which yes, nearly every guy alive would be thinking he’s married to the most wonderful woman in the world, she flirts with him during the day and she’s going to be there for him when he gets home. He’s looking at the other guys he works with and can’t believe how many cheat on their wives, and he probably tells them how that could never happen because his wife is so awesome. 

So imagine a guy thinking like that. Once having his dream squashed, no biggie. Things happen. But guessing if this was a once-only thing it wouldn’t be notable enough to post here. 

Also, no matter how busy, once a week sex probably isn’t enough, especially when fueled by flirtation. NOT suggesting to cut back on the flirtation!!! But trading 15 minutes of TV time twice a week for sex is probably reasonable. My wife created what became a deathly habit for intimacy by having to watch the weather each night, in the bedroom. 

You have a real flame going. Don’t let it backfire. Fan that flame into the amazing passion it can become.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes you are leading him on, so best not to text that way in future. 
Oh and BTW its ok to have sex even if you don't always 'feel' like it. IF you have sent him a leading text earlier in the day, then go though with it barring emergencies. 


I do appreciate that caring for 18 month old twins and a 4 year old is very exhausting and tiring and more than a full time job in itself, as well as studying. Personally I would have left the studying till they were at school or done it before I had children.


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## kari2 (Jul 8, 2016)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> Sometimes, when my husband is at work, I start thinking about him and I will send him suggestive text messages during the day. The thing is, he’s away from the house for like 12 hours a day because of work. So, sometimes, by the time he actually gets home (usually around 10:00-10:30 at night) I’m not really in the mood anymore. I’m going to school full time and we also have *a 4 year old and 18 month old twins*, so by 10 pm, I’m usually pretty worn out. I sent him a few flirty text messages early Friday afternoon while he was at work. But by the time he got home that night, it was almost 11:00 and I told him I was really tired and that Id rather just get some sleep. Well, because of the text messages that I’d sent him earlier that day, he was under the impression that we were going to have sex when he got home, and he got really annoyed when I told him I had changed my mind.


I have a lot of sympathy for you and him also. Going to school full time with 3 preschool kids, especially twin toddlers sounds exhausting. It may even be more exhausting than his job, depending on his profession. I never had twins but used to babysit for twin toddlers and it was very tiring. Your H should try to understand what it is like for a mom who has to chase 3 small kids around, diaper them, feed them, play with them etc.. plus trying to study. (I assume you have some day care though in order to attend classes). Your life won't always be so busy and you will have more energy when the kids are older. 

But it is very important for your marriage to reserve time and energy for alone time with your H at least twice a week, get a baby sitter if you must, or ask your H to watch the kids on a weekend day while you nap to catch up on some sleep so you will have energy on those nights.

I agree with the other posters that you should stop the flirtatious texting when he is at work because you don't know if you will feel too exhausted when he gets home since he will be disappointed and feel he was led on. You shouldn't announce to him 'I'm going to stop flirting or sexting', just quietly stop doing it during the weekdays (for now, until the kids are older). You can still send flirty texts to him during a weekend day when you know you will be together later that day or evening when you will have more energy for intimacy.

I hope your H is doing some of the child care and housework on weekends. His job isn't "more important" than your work in taking care of the kids, so I hope you can take turns relaxing and doing chores on the weekend.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> ConanHub, I honestly don’t know why you think I have contempt for my husband or that I don’t appreciate him. We have been married for almost 10 years, he is the first and only man I have ever been with. I chose him because I KNOW that he’s a good man. Maybe you’re under the impression that we never have sex, maybe I wasn’t clear enough. We do have sex on a regular basis. Usually at least once a week. And considering the fact that we have three small children, *I think once a week is pretty good*.


No, it's not.

Not for the best of marriages. Maybe for some second rate marriage that limps along, often to end in divorce years later. 

Once a week is the MINIMUM, not "pretty good".

Sure, there's marriages where sex is even less often. But there's marriages in which sex is even MORE often than yours, despite having kids. 

Deciding that intimacy in marriage can be put off until the other demands of life are dealt with then becomes a routine; it becomes a life habit. 

Sexless marriages don't just happen overnight. They occur bit by bit, like the proverbial frog getting boiled in a pan by slowly turning up the heat. You have to be hyper-vigilant to keep this from happening in your marriage. The first step towards a broken marriage is to put other things--even kids--above your spouse. That's actually pretty well documented.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> Yes, my post is defensive because I’m being accused of not appreciating or loving my husband, which couldn’t be further from the truth.


No, you're being accused of leading him on about sex. In your initial posting, you say you're not doing that. However, the overwhelming opinion of both men and women on this site say you ARE leading him on. 

I think that overwhelming opinion would make you stop and think that maybe your assessment is wrong. That maybe these neutral, third party posters see something that you don't. That maybe you need to reconsider how you look at things. 

It's actually a sign of intelligence to be able to question yourself when things suggest that your initial ideas are wrong. I urge you to reassess your stance in view of the overwhelming opinion of posters. Don't be afraid to ask yourself, "Am I actually wrong about this? Should I reconsider my position?"


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wow how could you not think this is leading someone on. I would be pissed personally


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hey honey ...I love you so much that when I get home I'm going to take you out to eat and buy you a new car ......... oh wait..I changed my mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



Mr.Married said:


> Hey honey ...I love you so much that when I get home I'm going to take you out to eat and buy you a new car ......... oh wait..I changed my mind.


Do you realize that this is an analogy that does not work. It assumes that by nature women are gold diggers. Some seem to think that money is to women what sex is to men. It's an insult basically.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

@september_sky

I truly am sorry that you are being beaten up on here. I don't think its fair, nor does it help you deal with your problem

Why does not husband come home so late every night? What are his work hours? How many days a week does he work?

Do the two of you get up at the same time every day?

If you don't mind answering, what sort of work does he do?

How much does he help with thing like watching the kids and household chores when he's not at work?

I can sort see his point of view to a point. He thought he was going to get to spend some loving time with you after you sent him some flirty texts. You got him thinking about it all day. It was probably the most enjoyable part of his day. But then you were too tired when he came home late at night. You have every right to be tired and not in the mood that late at night. 

You are defiantly burning the candle at both ends with 3 children, two of them being twins and going to college full time. What are you studying?

Here we have the problem of a lot of married couples today. Two good people whose live theirs lives in two very different schedules. What you are experiencing is a very normal result. You two are hardly even living in the same universe or on the same time clock.

So how do you fix this?

It sounds like the two of you are not getting enough quality time together. You two should be spending at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you with out children or anyone else around. I'll bet you are lucky if you get any time at all together from what you have said.

Sex once a week is really not enough to sustain a loving relationship. It's part of the quality time that the two of you need. Sex has a purpose in a relationship besides making children and just feeling good. Sex is what binds a couple together, makes them feel in love and all that good stuff. The more you have the better. So you both need to find ways for more than once a week.

What time do your children go to sleep? Can you nap after they are asleep so that when he gets home you two can spend 1 to 2 hours together on work nights?

If you could answer the questions i've posted, I might be able to give you more ideas on how to fix this.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



EleGirl said:


> Do you realize that this is an analogy that does not work. It assumes that by nature women are gold diggers. Some seem to think that money is to women what sex is to men. It's an insult basically.


The analogy is only as follows: I present you something to look forward to .... and then deny it.

I didn't have any money/gold digging type thing as expressed or implied ..... at least not in my mind or intended.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Some folks get a little triggered on this board sometimes, try not to let that hurt you but do try to listen to their message.

You asked specifically about leading your husband on. The short answer is yes. 

We did not say you didnt love him or value him, that was not your question.

You have to understand how some people (especially men) are wired. For him its about feeling valued and validated. Thats how he physically expresses himself. Its on his mind all day, putting up with work, knowing that he has your wonderful world to fall into when he gets home.
And its not there.

You are exhausted. Overdoing it. You think that your marriage will always be there, and this is just a phase so whats the big deal?
Its a big deal.
Someone said that sexless marriages happen this way, slowly one step at a time. Its true.

So what can you do? This is serious. Take it seriously.
Find help with the babies. Family, your college may offer free daycare, a young student in the neighborhood.
Cut back your schooling. Take longer to graduate.
Give him something ANYTHING if you are going to flirt. A bj or quickie. Notice i didnt say dont flirt.

You are overextending yourself and your marriage will pay for it. Trust us. 
Many of us have lived the consequences and while we are not always warm and fuzzy about it, its because we have PAID for it and want to help you from doing the same.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> ConanHub, I honestly don’t know why you think I have contempt for my husband or that I don’t appreciate him. We have been married for almost 10 years, he is the first and only man I have ever been with. I chose him because I KNOW that he’s a good man. Maybe you’re under the impression that we never have sex, maybe I wasn’t clear enough. We do have sex on a regular basis. Usually at least once a week. And considering the fact that we have three small children, I think once a week is pretty good. BUT every now and then, we have an incident like what happened Friday night, where I think we’re going to do something but then he gets home late and I’m not in the mood anymore. When we do have sex, he gets pretty much whatever he wants. There’s nothing that he’s wanted to try that I’ve said “no” to. It sounds like you’re suggesting that because he has a job (as if being a full time student and taking care of three children under the age of 5 isn’t a job in itself), that I’m never allowed to change my mind about sex, I’m obligated to give him sex whenever he wants. Is that right or am I misunderstanding you?
> 
> As far as him working while I go to school, I’m very appreciative of that and in less than 2 years when I get done with school, I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to go back to school while I worked. He has mentioned the idea before, and I would gladly do the same thing for him.
> 
> Now that I think about it, I remember an incident about a month or so ago when my husband and I had planned on having sex but it ended up getting late and my husband was the one who said we should just wait and do it another time. But according to your logic, I guess it’s ok for him to do it because he’s the one with the job. He hardly ever turns it down but it has happened. I honestly don’t know why anyone would want for their spouse to have sex with them if they knew their spouse wasn’t really in the mood. That doesn’t sound like it would be fun for either party. I enjoy our sex life, I really do. And I’d say at least 90% of the time I am in the mood, but occasionally, there are times when I’m not. And again, I really don’t see what the point is in having sex if you’re not both fully into it.


That clarifies it a little better. Your first post did not shine a good light on your attitude.

You are leading him on at least. I looked forward to the comfort of my my home all day when I was working 10+ hours every day and Mrs. Conan's embrace was about the highest comfort on the list.

I know I would not appreciate sexy or flirty texting during my hard day, getting me through my day by looking forward to being with my love and lover, only to be denied when I finally got home.

As you have said, he gets tired as well.

I fully understand about raising kids with a hectic schedule. Mrs. Conan and I have been there, done that and now we are wearing the grandparent tee shirts to prove it.

We are getting closer to the three decade mark in our relationship and into or 25th year of marriage.

Based on my experience and your posts, I believe you should make sure your marriage and husband are at the top of your priority list if you value him as your husband.

It is easy to let your spouse slide down the priority list when kids and 60-80 hour work weeks enter the equation but letting that happen for too long is damaging to your relationship and can form unhealthy habits that most definitely will destroy or at least damage your marriage and family.

I've also worked in ministry for years and seen this play out bad many times over.

I hope you both put each other in the top priority slot of your hearts. It is all too easy to let it slip away.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> I have the Pell grant, so my college is 100% free. If it wasn’t for the financial aid that I’m getting, we wouldn’t have had the money to pay for it. And again, when I get done with school, if my husband wants to go back to school, he would likely get financial aid as well, and I’d have no issue with working while he goes to school, just as he’s doing now.
> 
> Yes, my post is defensive because I’m being accused of not appreciating or loving my husband, which couldn’t be further from the truth.


I never said, BTW, that you didn't love your husband.

I said it doesn't look like you might appreciate just how good your situation is or value what your husband is doing for you and your children.

My youngest son's fiance has a full ride scholarship with extra money for expenses. My son doesn't have to cover any of it but she couldn't do nearly as much as she does as a single mom without him supporting them all.

I know several young ladies who would knee cap the pope to have your safety and security while caring for their children and studying.

I would admonish your husband the same way if he was posting with what appeared to be a less than totally appreciative attitude for what you are contributing to your family.

You are golden as well. You both have a great team here that might be fairly rare and precious.

It should be at the top of both your priority lists to preserve.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

*Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

My wife always says “it never hurts to lift your skirt.” I honestly would be pissed as well if I received sexts throughout the day and when I get home from work she changed her mind. 
As far as 1x a week being “pretty good”, it really isn’t. I’ve used this analogy several times on this board and it goes something like this: If a dog doesn’t get fed at home he will start digging in the neighbors trash. Think about that next time you “change your mind” on sex. 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm empathetic to your situation. I am. My exW was wired the same way. We'd never do the flirty text type things, well, not often anyway, but life happens, and sometimes bedroom playtime can get interrupted.

Kid starts making noise, dog knocks something over, just run out of time and literally have to get ready for work, go meet up with someone, whatever.

She would always lean down and say "we'll get to this later." Later very rarely ever happened. I ****ing hate the word later. HATE IT.

We divorced rather amicably due to some other things, but one of the few hurtful things I said was that I won't miss the word later. She was confused when I said it and didn't get it until 2 days later and texted me that it was unnecessarily hurtful and she didn't know it bothered me. I ignored it. It didn't matter anymore, but I'd be lying if removing it from my life wasn't one of the things that made me feel divorce wasn't the worst thing in the world. 

You're implicitly rejecting him every time you do it. It feels terrible, I mean, truly awful. It's like, as a man, you're not good enough to keep her interested or wanting to come back for more. It's difficult to explain, but ultimately, it's a rejection and it's worse because you initiated it in the first place.

So, that said, if I were you, and when you have flirty text time, if your follow through failure rate is high, just stop doing it, even if you're feeling it at the time. Maybe only start those texts at 8pm, if you're still inclined at that point, and have a higher follow through rate.

Hope this helps understand his perspective a little. Good luck.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

Pretty tough spot you are in here . The answer is YES, but your proposed solution of not sending him the texts isn't going to solve your problem beyond removing his real reason for making the comment is it? 

On the one hand his complaint is real and valid, on the other hand your change of heart after a long day at school and the kids is understandable / valid / and you don't have some magical obligation to put out every time. But, you should think about ways to make this whole situation better. Some perspective from the average male side:

Once a week for the average male basically sucks. Is it tolerable for a period of time, sure. Problem is a period of time often turns into as long as the kids are in the house and often degrades from once a week to once a month if you are lucky, to even worse. That is why you are getting lot of negative feedback here. 

So, what to do? If you send him nice notes and later have to brush him off because you are wiped out, give him a rain check for some other day during the week and follow through. Maybe a day the class schedule is a little lighter. Anyway, something that shows you making an effort rather than defaulting to once a week and no more except for that day you essentially promised and didn't deliver. You CAN do it, at least 1/2 of getting turned on for a women is in your head not physical...

To summarize: I do not think once a week is enough for the average guy. I think you need to actively do something to do a little more / compromise. Not be available whenever he wants as nice as that might sound to him but try a little.




september_sky said:


> Sometimes, when my husband is at work, I start thinking about him and I will send him suggestive text messages during the day. The thing is, he’s away from the house for like 12 hours a day because of work. So, sometimes, by the time he actually gets home (usually around 10:00-10:30 at night) I’m not really in the mood anymore. I’m going to school full time and we also have a 4 year old and 18 month old twins, so by 10 pm, I’m usually pretty worn out. I sent him a few flirty text messages early Friday afternoon while he was at work. But by the time he got home that night, it was almost 11:00 and I told him I was really tired and that Id rather just get some sleep. Well, because of the text messages that I’d sent him earlier that day, he was under the impression that we were going to have sex when he got home, and he got really annoyed when I told him I had changed my mind. He looks at this like I’m “leading him on” but I’ve tried to explain to him that when I send him those messages, I’m being genuine. It’s not like I’m just trying to play mind games with him by making him think he’s going to get sex and then changing my mind. I can’t help it that my feelings change 10-12 hours later after I’ve been doing school work and taking care of babies all day. It’s not something I plan on, it just happens sometimes. He acts like once he gets the idea that we are going to do it that day, it’s really difficult for him to just switch that off. I’ve told him that if it’s that big of a deal, I just won’t send him those types of messages during the day anymore because there’s always a chance that I might change my mind by the time he gets home from work. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Does this happen to anyone else?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> . I’ve told him that if it’s that big of a deal, I just won’t send him those types of messages during the day anymore because there’s always a chance that I might change my mind by the time he gets home from work. Does anyone have any other suggestions?


Image if your H texted you throughout the day saying he was going to make you your favorite meal, was going to go to gourmet stores to get the ingredients, hire a babysitter so you guys could be alone, but then he shows up at night with a bag of McDonalds saying he was tired and didn't feel like doing all that work. Maybe one time you could understand, but if it happened over and over I'd imagine you'd be pretty frustrated and prefer he not text you that kind of stuff at all if he's not going to follow through.

But don't stop sending texts. Keep sending them, but also do whatever you need to stay in the mood for sex. Maybe tease yourself a bit during the day, wear silky lingerie, or whatever keeps sex on your mind. Rather than leave your sexual mood up to random chance, take control to ensure it stays active.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I have not read the replies so sorry if I am repeating things.

You don’t want to be a constant source of disappointment to your husband. It’s about conditioning. You want to make your home a happy and positive environment so your significant other can’t wait to come home. If coming home leads to constant disappointment, drama, negativity etc. you start to not want to go home. Of you feel you need a break from home. I hope I’m getting my point across. If your going to send him sexy messages, you need to put out. Sorry.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

Short answer - 
Yes, without intending to be malicious about it, you are leading him on. And why one doesn't see the other side might be because of the different drives during different times of the day.

Long answer - 
I understand where you're coming from. I might be wrong in assuming this, but do you have a responsive desire? Is your drive somewhere around the 'middle' of the range? If so, I can see how during the noon while the kids are in bed, and you're having a free hour to yourself, after lunch, you feel a bit frisky... he's in your thoughts... you're up for a bit of banter... and you send him the text.
But all of that feeling disappears by the end of the day after x number of typically taxing chores/incidents at home. And unlike a person with a High Drive who can be in the mood despite daily stressors, a LD-MD person needs the headspace and time to get back in the mood. If he has a Higher Drive than yours, then even after 10 hours of work, it is mentally/emotionally easier for him to be revved up for it because it is something he desires... while sex is something you'll have to prepare yourself to desire. 

That's how hormones work. Makes a world of a difference, how easy it's to get in the mood when your hormones are already doing 90% of the work for you. I have been a LD, MD and (currently) HD at different points of time in my life. So, I understand the emotions to both sides.
Currently, my situation is the other way around. Last week, I sent a text to my husband (a reminder to pay a big bill) that he'd asked me to send him... 

"Hi hubs, don't forget to pay the Finance! You're too precious to be taken in handcuffs.... 

Unless the one handcuffing you is me!"

All I got in response was a "you're naughty..." and nothing to follow it up. 

My solution - 
Don't stop texting him altogether. Just change the tone of the texts. Send him a thoughtful text when you're feeling frisky at noon. 

"I had abc for lunch, and I know how much you love it... wish you were here lunching with me..."

"Had an extra 45 minutes in the bath, and some time to catch up on a TV show... thank you being the supportive man that you are."

He feels validated and admired.
While cuddle times will be on, such texts might avoid the situation of him feeling led on in case cuddle times don't progress further during some evenings. Hope this helped.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

september_sky, l will say this sadly, l don't think your marriage will hold the test of time. Because having babies isn't a guarantee of a successful or lasting marriage. It will fail long before the children even grow. What l would say to you is what are you going to do to keep your marriage.

(Excuses) never ever hold a marriage together, it's just as some vows have been said to love, honor, and for sake all others ( yes even children ) to put everything thing second. For both of you to do for each other to have a marriage that last, but if you don't or he doesn't then the marriage is doomed for failure, that's a guarantee.

You have been given advice already l am telling you what will become of your marriage.

I challenge you to please prove me wrong. 

Tilted


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

@september_sky I know it feels like we're piling on you here, and I'm going to venture a guess that you were hoping that people would back you up on your side of the whole thing, one obviously that didn't happen. The thing about TAM posters is that while they may be blunt AF, they always have your best interests at heart. And many people here, their responses includes years (if not decades) of experience.

I have to say that I agree with the crowd here that you ARE leading him on, and that's pretty unfair. I get that you have SO MUCH going on, and so much on your plate, and you aren't Wonder Woman--but it seems like that is what the world expects of us now these days, isn't it?

The thing I think you need to understand about your husband is that most men need sex in their relationship to feel loved. You can do anything and everything else for him, but if that doesn't include regular sex (and by regular sex, I mean multiple times per week), he's not going to feel loved or appreciated. Regular sex creates bonding hormones and strengthens his feeling of connection and commitment to you, and it's also a huge stress reliever. After sex with his partner, he will feel more relaxed, more calm, and happier--all thanks to his loving partner, which increases bonding and fosters emotional intimacy. 

You need to find a way to make your husband a priority, because he's feeling like the least important thing to you right now. And that is incredibly painful for him, and I guarantee that it is doing damage to your marriage right now. I'm not judging or blaming you for this, because it is incredibly easy to begin taking a partner for granted and de-prioritizing them. A lot of people fall into this trap. You need to find a way to make time/energy for him at the end of the day when he comes home.

Is there anything you can delegate, or that you simply can push off your plate, that doesn't really need to be done? (Ask yourself, is this more important to me than my husband and my marriage?) Are there family members nearby (parents or in-laws) who can help with the kids so you can dedicate some more time to your marriage?

(I don't think there is a single grandparent anywhere in the world who says, "I already get enough time with my grandchildren, and I don't want to spend any more time with them." And it's good for your kids to grow and develop stronger relationships with the non-parent adults who love them.)

Some of the people I know with the happiest marriages (some of them here on TAM) have a "never say no" rule to sex. (Obviously, this doesn't apply to times of serious illness and the like.) Basically, if their spouse wants sex, even if they are tired or not in the mood or have other things to do, they always say yes--and their spouse does the same. From my personal experience, I've found that even if I'm not in the mood, I end up getting in the mood once we get started--and I'm not unique in this.

The idea behind this is that once you marry, your body becomes his and his body becomes yours, for both to do as they please--and to pleasure one another. Actually LIVING that commitment strengthens your bond and your emotional connection. To make yourself vulnerable and available in such a way requires a great deal of faith and trust in the other person.

And you may find that more sex on the regular helps you to de-stress as well, and maybe managing everything else will be just a little easier. You'll probably sleep better, have better focus. Find a way to make this happen for you, for him, and for your marriage. You came here for advice before this became a big problem, and that's good, because this is--relative to other things on TAM--a small problem that is easy to fix.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> Sometimes, when my husband is at work, I start thinking about him and I will send him suggestive text messages during the day. The thing is, he’s away from the house for like 12 hours a day because of work. So, sometimes, by the time he actually gets home (usually around 10:00-10:30 at night) I’m not really in the mood anymore. I’m going to school full time and we also have a 4 year old and 18 month old twins, so by 10 pm, I’m usually pretty worn out. I sent him a few flirty text messages early Friday afternoon while he was at work. But by the time he got home that night, it was almost 11:00 and I told him I was really tired and that Id rather just get some sleep. Well, because of the text messages that I’d sent him earlier that day, he was under the impression that we were going to have sex when he got home, and he got really annoyed when I told him I had changed my mind. He looks at this like I’m “leading him on” but I’ve tried to explain to him that when I send him those messages, I’m being genuine. It’s not like I’m just trying to play mind games with him by making him think he’s going to get sex and then changing my mind. I can’t help it that my feelings change 10-12 hours later after I’ve been doing school work and taking care of babies all day. It’s not something I plan on, it just happens sometimes. He acts like once he gets the idea that we are going to do it that day, it’s really difficult for him to just switch that off. I’ve told him that if it’s that big of a deal, I just won’t send him those types of messages during the day anymore because there’s always a chance that I might change my mind by the time he gets home from work. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Does this happen to anyone else?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

You say your Husband feels you are leading him on. Forget what we think about it. The fact that you are posting seems to say that you don’t believe his feelings on this are valid. Why not? How do you feel when your partner invalidates something important to you?

When you get defensive, and react by saying something like “fine, the I just won’t text you” you are telling him that he isn’t important enough to make that effort for.

You are in a tough situation. My twins, and youngest are 26 months apart and I can totally empathize with how busy you are and how exhausted you can get. I worked 40 hours, then took over all house duty from when I got home until bed to give my wife a break. Back then I would have given almost anything for a midday flirt from my wife followed by even just 20 minutes of something sexy before bed. 

What I would suggest is flirt when you feel like it. But then try to find that mood again that night. Take a little time before he gets home to try and restart your motor. I guarantee his will already be running. A bubble bath, candles, sexy underwear, read a good romance novel. A good music playlist. Reread those texts. Anything to pull your mind back to sexy time.

Because the other option, stopping the flirty texts, might shut him up but will slowly create more distance between you. He will feel more and more sidelined until he finally has had enough.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, and duh, I can't believe no one has mentioned this yet... what about morning sex? Start your day off right, and nothing else has sucked up all your energy yet. You have to set the alarm to get up before the kiddos, but it might be worth it. Sleep naked so you wake up in the mood 

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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

I feel for your situation. I totally get that you're in the mood during the day when you're awake and well rested and sex with your husband sounds great but by 10pm you're in a totally different mindset. BUT, revving your husband up throughout the day only to say no when he gets home is definitely leading him on at best and cruel at worst. If my partner did that to me I'd be pretty upset too.

I think it's also possible that while you think once a week is pretty good, your husband might disagree which could add to his reaction to being told no after you said yes all day. If he's already sexually frustrated this is just going to add to it. 

I think the solution is to make a pact with yourself...if I rev him up, I have to follow through. Also, you ask him what HE thinks of the frequency of your sex life. It might be eye opening for you. If his answer is 5 times a week, I'd suggest coming up with a better compromise than once a week. 

More practical solutions include taking a quick nap after the kids go to bed so you can get a little more sleep and still be up when your husband gets home. Or, if you're super tired, tell your hubby you want him but you're only up for a quickie tonight, then make a plan for the next time you'll have time to do it right so he knows you definitely want him. He needs to know you desire him. Imagine how you'd feel if he made you feel like he didn't want you. 

I feel for your situation. It's not easy to be in school when you're raising children. I'm sure your schooling is very important to you, but so is your marriage. Work with your husband to figure out some solutions. 

Good luck!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



FeministInPink said:


> @september_sky I know it feels like we're piling on you here, and I'm going to venture a guess that you were hoping that people would back you up on your side of the whole thing, one obviously that didn't happen. The thing about TAM posters is that while they may be blunt AF, they always have your best interests at heart. And many people here, their responses includes years (if not decades) of experience.
> 
> I have to say that I agree with the crowd here that you ARE leading him on, and that's pretty unfair. I get that you have SO MUCH going on, and so much on your plate, and you aren't Wonder Woman--but it seems like that is what the world expects of us now these days, isn't it?
> 
> ...



What a FANTASTIC post, and I hope the OP takes it to heart!!

I'm starting to think everything you share is brilliant...!!!


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



notmyjamie said:


> More practical solutions include taking a quick nap after the kids go to bed so you can get a little more sleep and still be up when your husband gets home.


This is what I was thinking. Go to sleep naked and he can come home and 'wake you up' And yeah, morning sex is a beautiful thing!

Don't want to turn this into a thread jack or frequency poll, but once a week? Geez he's probably starving. You guys need to figure out how to get your freak on.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> I have the Pell grant, so my college is 100% free. If it wasn’t for the financial aid that I’m getting, we wouldn’t have had the money to pay for it. And again, when I get done with school, if my husband wants to go back to school, he would likely get financial aid as well, and I’d have no issue with working while he goes to school, just as he’s doing now.
> 
> Yes, my post is defensive because I’m being accused of not appreciating or loving my husband, which couldn’t be further from the truth.


Wow you are so lucky to get Pell grants. I never qualified - even my crappy jobs I had back when I was going to college were too much money for me to qualify for Pell. When I was married with three kids, my husband's income was still too much to qualify for Pell - and we were FAR from rich - we lived paycheck to paycheck and I was a stay-at-home mom. I've always wondered how people managed to scrape by on the small amount of income it takes to qualify for a Pell grant to go to college.

I do understand your situation about flirting with your husband, then feeling like you are entitled to not have sex with him the many hours later when the two of you are physically together.

I am a woman, though, and I need to tell you that my opinion is that it's cruel to a man (in your case - or, unfair to the woman if a man did it *routinely*) to set him up for expecting a sexual encounter and then reneging. It would be best if the two of you talked about this - and what flirting means to the two of you.

If you were just trying to say "Hey, I'm connecting with you" that's different than if your message was "I'm going to have sex with you next time we're together" - if the latter is the case, then barring some unexpected interference, like you or one of the kids getting sick or hurt or a family emergency - you would need to do what it takes to be ready. Take a nap. Take a shower to wake yourself up - do whatever. 

There's no way I would flirt with my husband and not expect him to want to come home and have sex - and fairly quickly after he got home. He has come home for lunch at times for a quickie. It's hot. It often only takes a few minutes and if I am expecting it, I can do some pre-foreplay on myself to make the encounter short and sweet based on time constraints. This is workable.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

Don't let your mouth write a check that your body can't cash


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

My guess is OP won’t be back. She was looking for sympathy for her rough life raising kids, going to school and cleaning the house. Like any of us can’t relate? The advice for her to stop texting instead of stepping up her game was horrible. My guess is her husband will be on TAM in a few years posting how miserable his sexless marriage is and do I stay for the kids...


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

I spoke with my husband about all of this and I basically admitted that I shouldn’t have sent him suggestive texts and then not followed through. When I sent the texts, they didn’t explicitly say “I want to have sex tonight” but they were sexual in nature, so of course, he took that as me hinting around that I wanted to. And obviously, yes, sex was on my mind, or I wouldn’t have sent the texts. 

For me, once a week is fine. I go through periods where I want it more than others but for the most part, I’m good with once a week. I asked him if this was enough for him, he said yes. He said his only issue is when I hint around that I want to do it and I put the idea in his head and then I change my mind. I told him I was sorry and that I would be more mindful of the stuff I say to him, and that I won’t send anything suggestive unless I’m committed to following through. 

He works for a local trucking company, part of the day he drives a truck locally and the other part of the day he works in the office at the trucking company’s terminal. His job is an hour away so he spends two hours a day just driving back and forth to work. He usually has to be at work between 10 AM- 12 PM (his schedule varies) and he’s not home usually until at least 10:00 pm. He works Monday-Friday and gets weekends off. 

I go to a community college and I am working on getting my associate degree in Medical
Laboratory Technology. I will be finished with school in 2021. I go to school 4 days a week (Tuesday- Friday). On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have to leave the house around 9 AM and I sometimes come home around 12:30-1:00 pm for lunch, but then I have to leave the house again by 3:00 to go to my evening class. I usually get home around 6:30 or 7 in the evening. So I’m basically in school all day those two days. On Wednesdays and Fridays, my days are much shorter but I have to get up earlier. On those days, I leave the house around 7 AM and I’m home by 11:30 AM. Usually on Wednesdays and Fridays, my husband is either already on his way to work when I get home or he’s about to leave. He takes our 4 year old son to pre school in the mornings around 8:00, so I don’t see him very much in the mornings during the week. I do typically see him for maybe 20-30 mins on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s before I leave for school, so maybe that could be an opportunity to squeeze in a quickie. Although he says he’s fine with once a week, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind doing it more if given the opportunity. 

My mom already babysits for us quite a bit. Initially, I was looking into putting the twins in a daycare while I went to school but my mom said she would watch them. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, she’s at our house pretty much all day babysitting. On Wednesdays and Fridays, if my husband has to go into work early, she comes over and stays with the twins for an hour or two until I get home and then she’s done. If my husband and I want to go out on a date night or anything like that on the weekend, she babysits then too. She also works from home part-time during the week, so she has a pretty busy schedule herself. 

For those of you who have given constructive criticism and helpful advice, thank you, I appreciate it. To the person who stated that my marriage will not last and that my husband will be on here next asking if he should get divorced, I really don’t understand people like you. Do you hope that my marriage will fail? Why not offer advice and encouragement rather than just being negative? You’re wrong. My marriage will not fail because my husband and I openly communicate with each other when we have a problem. We don’t ignore our issues and allow ourselves to build resentment toward each other. I know exactly what happens when couples do that, because I’ve seen it happen to my parents. They’ve been married over 40 years and my mom has recently started entertaining the idea of divorce. For their whole marriage, they focused all their time and energy on working and taking care of their kids. They did not make their marriage a priority and now they’re dealing with the repercussions of that. 

I will admit that when I made this post, I thought my husband was the one in the wrong and I was hoping you all would take my side. However, I’m always open to hearing different perspectives and possibly changing my position on things when given reasonable advice/suggestions. Most of you here have taken my husband’s side, which made me reconsider my thoughts on this. If my husband hinted around that he was going to take me out on a romantic date and then changed his mind when he got home, I’d be disappointed too. I apologize for getting defensive with some of you but I felt that my character was being attacked. In general, when you want someone to take your advice, it’s usually a good idea to not come off as being accusatory. When you do that, most people are naturally going to go into defense mode.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You have to choose. 

Either decide to get in the mood at 10:30 at night, or decide not to be flirty. Either way, you need to choose while keeping your commitments. 

My recommendation is the former, but if you won’t or can’t do that, then you need to do the latter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> Now that I think about it, I remember an incident about a month or so ago when my husband and I had planned on having sex but it ended up getting late and my husband was the one who said we should just wait and do it another time. But according to your logic, I guess it’s ok for him to do it because he’s the one with the job.


Had he been texting you flirty messages and hinting at sex during the day?

ETA: I see you get the connection now. Sounds like progress in your marriage, and kudos for talking to him about it. 

I know you're busy but if you're looking for ways to improve the marriage, I always suggest starting with the book His Needs Her Needs. It will have a huge impact for both of you.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@september_sky Thanks for the update, and I'm glad you've found our feedback helpful and that you two have talked about it. 

Your schedule really is crazy, so you may have to literally SCHEDULE sex. It doesn't sound like fun, but it's actually a really good thing to do. It takes away the pressure of uncertainty, and it gives you something to look forward to.

One thing, though--he said he's fine with once a week. I don't think he's being completely transparent with this. I think he's saying once a week is the minimum that he finds tolerable, but his ideal is probably much more frequent--he is saying once a week so that you won't feel pressure to up it, and stress yourself even further. Once a week is what he's willing to settle for, but I don't think it will make him happy.

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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

I actually think it would be great for your relationship that even if it was 1x per week, you texted him on that day with the flirty texts. This would help with your busy lives as you each would know when it was going to happen. He wouldn't have to worry about trying and you being tired, and you wouldn't have to worry about him trying when you're not in the mood. Pick a day or two during the week and have fun and brighten up your relationship. You can decide based on your schedule. It would be a great way to keep a smile on his face even though you both are busy.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



FeministInPink said:


> @september_sky Thanks for the update, and I'm glad you've found our feedback helpful and that you two have talked about it.
> 
> Your schedule really is crazy, so you may have to literally SCHEDULE sex. It doesn't sound like fun, but it's actually a really good thing to do. It takes away the pressure of uncertainty, and it gives you something to look forward to.
> 
> ...





wilson said:


> I actually think it would be great for your relationship that even if it was 1x per week, you texted him on that day with the flirty texts. This would help with your busy lives as you each would know when it was going to happen. He wouldn't have to worry about trying and you being tired, and you wouldn't have to worry about him trying when you're not in the mood. Pick a day or two during the week and have fun and brighten up your relationship. You can decide based on your schedule. It would be a great way to keep a smile on his face even though you both are busy.


I really wouldn't want to put everything into one basket... one day/week. But the good thing about planning and executing, is that you can let the excitement build. You can create anticipation. That's a very powerful thing. That's what OP was doing with her flirty texts.b


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



Casual Observer said:


> I really wouldn't want to put everything into one basket... one day/week. But the good thing about planning and executing, is that you can let the excitement build. You can create anticipation. That's a very powerful thing. That's what OP was doing with her flirty texts.b


I wouldn't be able to wait. 

Send me one flirty text and it better happen today.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's been said here verbal 2x4's is what gets the attention. Had you said.

Quote: My marriage will not fail because my husband and I openly communicate with each other when we have a problem. We don’t ignore our issues and allow ourselves to build resentment toward each other. I know exactly what happens when couples do that, because I’ve seen it happen to my parents.
End quote.

Would have led those who post here a different perspective. We only work with what we are given. And it's not until the OP puts something different than what do we know.

Fate sometimes Is A Hard Wakeup Call. And preceived thoughts has it's place but not all the time.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

september_sky said:


> I spoke with my husband about all of this and I basically admitted that I shouldn’t have sent him suggestive texts and then not followed through. When I sent the texts, they didn’t explicitly say “I want to have sex tonight” but they were sexual in nature, so of course, he took that as me hinting around that I wanted to. And obviously, yes, sex was on my mind, or I wouldn’t have sent the texts.
> 
> For me, once a week is fine. I go through periods where I want it more than others but for the most part, I’m good with once a week. I asked him if this was enough for him, he said yes. He said his only issue is when I hint around that I want to do it and I put the idea in his head and then I change my mind. I told him I was sorry and that I would be more mindful of the stuff I say to him, and that I won’t send anything suggestive unless I’m committed to following through.
> 
> ...


I wasn’t routing against your marriage. You prior post came off defensive of your actions. If you didn’t change the dynamic, there is a chance that this would have been how you end up. I’m glad you apologized to your H. I hope your changes “stick” for the sake of your M. Good luck!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Tilted 1 said:


> It's been said here verbal 2x4's is what gets the attention. Had you said.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The assumption that "my marriage will not fail because I know what I'm doing" is usually a ringing bell warning. Overconfidence frequently leads to failure. 

I hope that isn't the case for the OP.

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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



FeministInPink said:


> The assumption that "my marriage will not fail because I know what I'm doing" is usually a ringing bell warning. Overconfidence frequently leads to failure.
> 
> I hope that isn't the case for the OP.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Agreed FIP, agreed, it's just if that phrase if true, she wouldn't have sought out to prove her feelings.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



SunnyT said:


> You could always give him a quickie, or a quick bj. A few more minutes, and a happy hubby.


^^^^this

My W will send suggestive texts to get me going. Sometimes it just does not happen as she is tired, etc. No big deal. My W will give me a handy or the next morning after some rest we mix it up. :grin2:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



Tilted 1 said:


> Agreed FIP, agreed, it's just if that phrase if true, she wouldn't have sought out to prove her feelings.


Exactly. She wouldn't need to come here for advice/opinions. 

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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



FeministInPink said:


> The assumption that "my marriage will not fail because I know what I'm doing" is usually a ringing bell warning. Overconfidence frequently leads to failure.
> 
> I hope that isn't the case for the OP.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Especially when the over-confidence displays itself as believing they understand what's in their partner's head. The only thing we can really, truly, understand... and even then we're often wrong... is what's inside our own head.

OK, we can't even know that, can we? The best we can hope for is to know, if our partner says or does x, we will respond with y. We get into trouble because we believe the reverse is true as well.

No. Wait. Even that doesn't work!

The solution is to talk and role-play with your partner. If you find something slightly uncomfortable or curious in your relationship, deal with it before it becomes a big deal. If you aren't sure, ask. Not here; ask your partner. Ask here and there will be all sorts of suppositions made based on either the biased information supplied by the poster, or TAM filling in the blanks. Either way can badly distort things. So talk things through with your partner, especially things like privacy and boundaries. If it goes south, come back here.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> I spoke with my husband about all of this and I basically admitted that I shouldn’t have sent him suggestive texts and then not followed through. When I sent the texts, they didn’t explicitly say “I want to have sex tonight” but they were sexual in nature, so of course, he took that as me hinting around that I wanted to. And obviously, yes, sex was on my mind, or I wouldn’t have sent the texts.
> 
> For me, once a week is fine. I go through periods where I want it more than others but for the most part, I’m good with once a week. I asked him if this was enough for him, he said yes. He said his only issue is when I hint around that I want to do it and I put the idea in his head and then I change my mind. I told him I was sorry and that I would be more mindful of the stuff I say to him, and that I won’t send anything suggestive unless I’m committed to following through.
> 
> ...


I understand that not everyone is going to say things the way that you like them. Really, there are a lot of very good people on this board, including the ones that you have taken offense with.
Sometimes people get triggered, but they mean well. We are blunt AF here.
Don't write people off before you get to know them. Yea, there are jerks everywhere but I have yet to meet any here (except for one guy...once lol)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



aquarius1 said:


> I understand that not everyone is going to say things the way that you like them. Really, there are a lot of very good people on this board, including the ones that you have taken offense with.
> Sometimes people get triggered, but they mean well. We are blunt AF here.
> Don't write people off before you get to know them. Yea, there are jerks everywhere but I have yet to meet any here (except for one guy...once lol)


Yeah, and he's been banned, LOL.

J/k, I don't know who you're talking about. But every person that I thought was a jerk got banned eventually with no help from me.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



september_sky said:


> by the time he actually gets home (usually around 10:00-10:30 at night) I’m not really in the mood anymore......it was almost 11:00 and I told him I was really tired and that Id rather just get some sleep. I can’t help it that my feelings change 10-12 hours later after I’ve been doing school work and taking care of babies all day. It’s not something I plan on, it just happens sometimes. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Does this happen to anyone else?


Yes, it happened to me. It wasn't just that I didn't want sex after a long day, it was that I was exhausted of being touched, tugged, suckled (nursing) etc.

I literally felt my energy being sucked out, starting around 5 pm. By 9 pm I was on empty. If he initiated, I went along, but I wasn't in the mood for anything too strenuous, and didn't initiate.

At what time of the day or evening do you literally feel the energy being sucked out of you?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Honestly, if she says that sex 1x/week works for them, who are we to create more doubt/stress for her? I do agree however, that making time for each other more than that is important, and not just for sex.

Someone here mentioned that their marriage suffered after 40 years of passive neglect. This happens when everything else takes priority over your marriage, because you assume that it will always be there. I'm guilty of it too, and darn near lost my 30 year marriage.
Don't be us. We are trying to help you see


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

I think a lot of the strong reactions were because this looks like the very early stage of many of the sexless marriage stories we eventually see on TAM. Once a week becomes twice a month, then once a month, then maybe a few times a year. The effortless desire and passion at the beginning of the relationship is long since gone. Daily stresses or trivial matters push any thoughts of intimacy out the window. One spouse rationalizes it as sex isn't that important or that it's not really part of a long-term marriage. The other spouse gets frustrated. The couple's emotional connection gets weaker and weaker until someone is ready to walk. Then they come on TAM and say their marriage is over. 

It sounds like you are aware of the situation and want to make it better, which is great. Keep that attitude no matter what. Life gets stressful and busy, but always make sure intimacy is part of your relationship. It's very easy to let intimacy slip or forget about it, but that's like a slow-acting poison to your marriage. To prevent that, make sure intimacy is always on the top of your list even if other things need to get removed.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I 100% get being too fatigued for sex late at night. Once I run out of steam, I'm done for the night, no matter how much I wish otherwise. However, your husbands work schedule is likely not a surprise for you. If you know he's not coming home until late, and you know you won't have the energy to back up the flirting, don't flirt. Or at least change the flirting to something along the lines of--"can't wait until we have a day off together..."


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



Fozzy said:


> I 100% get being too fatigued for sex late at night. Once I run out of steam, I'm done for the night, no matter how much I wish otherwise.


I tell my hubs that if he wants sex at night and he thinks he's going to be tired, that a nap is perfectly permissible when he gets home or after dinner.

People who are paying attention to their sex life make it a priority both for themselves and for their SO.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

This happens to me about 3x a week. It makes me feel like absolute crap. Makes me wonder what happened between 2 and 8:30pm. Even worse is when I ask "what happened" and get a slurry of excuses which are supposed to make me feel guilty for going to work and not having left work early. 

That said, I may be in a different place. 10 years ago, it was only one excuse a week.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



SunnyT said:


> You could always give him a quickie, or a quick bj. A few more minutes, and a happy hubby.


 @september_sky needs to read this about 50 times....
A BJ or quickie is only about 5 mins.
Any spouse should be worth that.....that's faithful.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



StillSearching said:


> @september_sky needs to read this about 50 times....
> A BJ or quickie is only about 5 mins.
> Any spouse should be worth that.....that's faithful.


You have to be careful with that suggestion; for some, it makes it appear sex is entirely transactional. Quickie sex, happy husband or wife. And perhaps sex is sometimes transactional, and perhaps that's not a bad thing.

Sometimes.

But I don't think it's healthy to have the view that sex is* always* transactional. There is a passion and a spirituality to sex, within marriage, that should be respected and nourished. Too much emphasis on "getting the job done" can take away from the relationship, not add to it. A combination of the two could be just the ticket. A quickie here & there, just to provide something to really look forward to on the weekend! Or whatever the time allows for.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*

About 15 years ago this very thing happened with me. My wife would flirt earlier in the day and then at night it was a firm rejection. Multiple young kids meant she was “emotionally exhausted”, but it still stung. When I voiced my frustration she then said she wouldn’t flirt with me if she wasn’t *sure* we’d have sex later. At the time I thought good! Now she’ll follow thru! But in her mind, she could never be “sure” she’d be up for it later, so she completely shut down any kind of flirting or sexual talk. For good. It’s never really come back (yes, I’ve brought this to her attention, but nothing changes - it seems that the shift has been hard-wired, and/or age killed her libido). And because of that, to this day I sometimes doubt her level of attraction to me, although I know I’m plenty attractive for my age.

For this reason it’s sad for me to hear the OP taking the many suggestions to shut down the flirting. As frustrated as I was to get rejected at the end of the day, long term it feels worse to not be desired much by your spouse.

ETA: I plead with you to instead *continue* flirting AND follow thru most times. And I agree with others - most likely your husband wants sexual intimacy more than once per week. He may feel guilty for asking (I did) since we saw how hard wives work with young kids and he doesn’t want sex to be “one more task to complete” before she can finally go to sleep. Sexual intimacy is more important to your husband than he is letting on.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



lessthennone said:


> This happens to me about 3x a week. It makes me feel like absolute crap. Makes me wonder what happened between 2 and 8:30pm. Even worse is when I ask "what happened" and get a slurry of excuses which are supposed to make me feel guilty for going to work and not having left work early.
> 
> That said, I may be in a different place. 10 years ago, it was only one excuse a week.


Have you told your partner how this makes you feel? Have you asked why the change?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



Casual Observer said:


> You have to be careful with that suggestion; for some, it makes it appear sex is entirely transactional. Quickie sex, happy husband or wife. And perhaps sex is sometimes transactional, and perhaps that's not a bad thing.
> 
> Sometimes.
> 
> But I don't think it's healthy to have the view that sex is* always* transactional. There is a passion and a spirituality to sex, within marriage, that should be respected and nourished. Too much emphasis on "getting the job done" can take away from the relationship, not add to it. *A combination of the two could be just the ticket*. A quickie here & there, just to provide something to really look forward to on the weekend! Or whatever the time allows for.


The combo is what I meant.
I thought for sure a spouse, who loved the other, would have genuine desired sex as well.
Sex should never be transactional, unless you're paying a professional for it.
Men often think they can negotiate genuine desire. (If I give her what she wants she will have passionate sex with me tonight, If I pick up her clothes from the cleaner she will have passionate sex with me tonight).......WRONG!


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



aquarius1 said:


> Have you told your partner how this makes you feel? Have you asked why the change?


Yes. I have. Probably once every 2-3 weeks. It usually starts an argument that means we're not having sex for another weeks or so. 

The thing is, sex isn't important to her. So if I'm not advocating on my behalf, then I'm not getting any. It gets tiring and since the success rate is so low, it messes with my "classical conditioning". 

From the OP's post, I can't tell whether this happened once, or happens often.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

*Re: Husband thinks I’m leading him on*



StillSearching said:


> @september_sky needs to read this about 50 times....
> A BJ or quickie is only about 5 mins.
> Any spouse should be worth that.....that's faithful.




Maybe at your house but mine it's 20-25 minutes or until my jaw is too sore. Absolutely not something for the end of a long tiring day. Just because you sexually desire someone doesn't mean you don't get tired. And this is very transactional and one sided. 


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## Beat (Jul 21, 2019)

What an informative and eye opener post for the OP and even us who are still young and growing in marriage.

Thumbs up to everyone who posted positive usable replies. 

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