# Caught wife sexting- heart shattered



## 352690 (Dec 14, 2021)

Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further. I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far. Asked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means. 22 years together with two great kids (14 & 11). I told her I wanted to save what we have if we can, but feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt. Not sure what to do next.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sorry you are here. She was planning to meet up with him, no matter how she tries to lie about it. Please don't do the pick-me dance, women don't respond to it at all. Consult with a lawyer and find out your legal stance should a divorce be on the cards, since her actions and words are pointing to that as a very grave possibility.

If you want to keep her, she has to immediately write a letter of no contact to this man and send it to him in your presence.

She must hand over all her communications devices, phones, tablets and computers to you with all her passwords for her devices with a list of all her social media, email and other accounts together with their passwords.

Her right to privacy is something of the past. She has no claim to your trust anymore.

Invest in some message recovery software to restore deleted messages.

She will balk at this because she is hiding oh so very much, you have seen but an ant on the tip of the ice-berg thus far. Tell her that divorce is very much on the table since a marriage without trust is not worth it and her betrayal, lies and lack of transparency has broken the trust. Don't make this an idle threat.

In order to save this marriage, you must actually be willing to loose it and act with conviction and strength to even have a chance to do so. Coming from a place of weakness and begging will definitely end the marriage for sure.

What I said above sounds counter-intuitive, but it is a proven fact, you cannot nice them back.

Good luck to you @Max70 . The steps you take now if weak will be devastating to you, but taken in strength would give you the best chance of yielding the results you desire.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Max70 said:


> Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further. I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far. Asked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means. 22 years together with two great kids (14 & 11). I told her I wanted to save what we have if we can, but feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt. Not sure what to do next.


What she told you, she had to tell you because you had proof. She likely has not told you everything, such as nude pictures or possibly any others that she's sexted in the past. 
Follow Dictum's advice to the letter.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

I am so very sorry you are here. I am 51 and dealing with an unfaithful STBX husband - we also have 2 kids and have been married for 27 years, so I understand how you are feeling.

First of all, why is there culpability on your part for “letting things get so far”? Her behavior is 100% on her. You didn’t ask her to cheat on you. She is the one who took that risk and went outside your marriage, so the responsibility for that risk is all on her. Since she didn’t come to you on her own and admit her affair and show remorse, she was likely only saying she is remorseful because she got caught. Cheaters only admit to the bare minimum. She may try to blame you also - that is what cheaters usually do.

No matter what happened in your marriage, this is NOT your fault and you need to make sure not to accept any of that blame. Even if the lack of intimacy is what she blames you for, her cheating is still not your fault. That has been the most difficult thing for me to understand in dealing with my husband. You did not drive her to cheat. After all, you didn’t cheat on her, no matter what she did to you, right?

She never met him (she says!), but had certainly planned to. That is the part that makes it so much worse. She PLANNED to meet him and turn this into a physical affair. Would you have ever done this to her?? No. So do not accept this behavior from her or allow her to minimize it. Her comment about possibly not romantically loving you is so upsetting as well. 

It is almost impossibly difficult to try to save a marriage after betrayal. Betrayal causes so many ripple effects on so many deep levels of the human psyche that fighting against it is like fighting against your own biology. Humans are hard-wired fo be repulsed and angered by someone who cheats on us. The problem for you is now one of trust. How can you ever trust her going forward? You won’t, unless SHE proves to you that she is worthy of trust and it doesn’t sound like she is trying or wanting to put in the work she needs to do in order to make that happen.

I know you are shattered and you need to give yourself time to process all of this. The worst thing you can do now is play the “pick me” dance. As much as you might want to beg and cry to her - just don’t. Read on this forum about the 180 and do that for your own sanity.

I would also see a lawyer (don’t tell her!) just to see where you stand, especially since you have children. The wonderful people on this forum are incredibly helpful and you will get great advice here on next steps.

Your heart is shattered now and I am so sorry. As long as I live, I will never understand how spouses can so easily betray the ones they are supposed to love and cherish above all others.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

The "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" (ILYBINILWY) speech is a sure sign they are checked out of the M. 
This is evident when the A is going on. So far EA, for sure. 
Once the dates and places are set up, that's all you need to know. 
Do what Dictum Veritas said. This is serious. Think in terms of your M is now in the intensive care unit.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sexting really is not that fulfilling. look for how they video cammed, and watched each other masturbating for actual sex. still pics might still be saved somewhere on her phone/computer/the cloud of it.

Not sure what to tell you. mere sexting is not necessarily a deal breaker for me. but planning a trip to meet up, where physical sex is 100% certain, is a much bigger transgression.

Obviously, something in the marriage was lacking in the sex department. You mention a lot of stressful things, like losing a job. possibly just all that stress and bad juju made her think things were not fixable. you, if you choose, could start off telling her that you are open to working on the marriage, and upping the sexual/romantic part of it. but any physical contact with other people would be out. if you would allow her to chat with other people online is kind of up to you. it could be a way to keep things interesting...she gets horny online either watching porn, or chatting with others, but then comes to you for the real sex. 

in any event, if you do let her continue, there have to be boundary rules. she needs to be open about things, all passwords shared, which online programs or sites she uses known to you. and so on.

and of course, if there is no sincere effort coming from her to fix the marriage/sex at home, then i would agree with the posters above, go talk to a lawyer.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Max70 said:


> Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further.
> *You are getting the “sorry I got caught act”. Cheater lie a lot but you want to believe so you probably will. *
> 
> I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far.
> ...


Do not jump into marriage counseling. They are notorious rugsweepers. 
You cannot fix this alone. Making yourself a chump is the last thing you should be doing.

Find out if her shiny new boyfriend is married and inform his wife. Don’t skip this. A lot just go deeper underground. 

Get some free consultations with 3 good divorce attorneys so you at least no where you stand. 

Don’t make excuses for her and see what is versus what you want to see. If not this is going to be worse. Get strong and stay there. NOW


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Max70 said:


> Asked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means.


Don't make it more complicated than it is. Romantically in love simply means she wants to have sex with you. Whether you can get it back it is iffy at best. Needless to say, you need to put her on travel restrictions. Watch out to for "friendly Henry" coming to town and warming up your bed.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Max70 said:


> Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further. I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far. A*sked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means. * 22 years together with two great kids (14 & 11). I told her I wanted to save what we have if we can, but feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt. Not sure what to do next.


It means "I love you but am not in love with you". The stock phrase from a female who has fallen out of love with a man. For some reason they just can't bring themselves to clearly state the obvious that they DONT love their husband anymore in any way. Others may have advice about how to reverse that, but nearly all of the threads I have read on here for similar situation, this isn't possible. Once a female loses the emotional and sexual attachment it isn't returning. I am sorry, but it doesn't seem to me that there is anything left to save. After letting things go this long, your energy is better expended making lives away from one another.

It wouldn't be unusual if her affairs actually started when your intimacy became non-existent. So her saying the sexting had only been going on for 3 months, maybe just how long she hasn't had access to her lover. You actually have no idea of the extent of her infidelity because she will only tell you what you have found out by other means. She will lie about everything.

Your wife has already transferred her desire to a man she claims she has never met. Just think about that for awhile. She ignores the man sleeping with her, the man she could be intimate with at any time, in favor of sending risque messages, and explicit photos to some random dude (or her lover who happens to be away) in cyberspace. She says they have never met ( realize going forward that everything she says is most likely a lie ), yet she is clearly making plans to meet a STRANGER!

In answer to your question about what to do next, see an attorney and start getting your household separated and ready to divorce. You want to save something that no longer exists.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

One, it takes 2-5 years to recover and at any time you may decide to divorce. 

Two, it's not just sex that leads to divorce - but rather it's the lack of trust. 

A consequence of her deceitful (as well as inappropriate) behavior is that you can no longer believe anything she says. 

She can not expect you to believe that she didn't actually plan to meet him. Your wife now has an enormous up hill battle to rebuild your trust. And it will take her years to do it. Is she up to that task?

Three, require her to provide a timeline of her affair. Including every picture, video, and what they talked about as well as the time & date. It's a necessary first step for her to fix herself. The timeline changes how she sees the affair in her mind. The timeline forces her to see how inappropriate and deceitful the affair was (vs a harmless feel good fantasy).

Four, insist that she identify the OM. Without telling your wife, if he's married, inform his wife. The OM's wife needs to know that she's married to a cheater. Blowing up the OM's world also blows up the affair.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Your wife has already transferred her desire to a man she claims she has never met. Just think about that for awhile. *She ignores the man sleeping with her, the man she could be intimate with at any time*, in favor of sending risque messages, and explicit photos to some random dude (or her lover who happens to be away) in cyberspace. She says they have never met ( realize going forward that everything she says is most likely a lie ), yet she is clearly making plans to meet a STRANGER!


Be careful with your assumptions -- THAT isn't what I got from his opening post AT ALL. It sounded like he was admitting that he had an equal or greater part in their intimacy being gone FOR YEARS. Perhaps HE has been ignoring HER. And that would make your comment wrong - it's possible she has been laying next to her husband wishing they could be intimate, but too afraid to try because he had rejected her in the past.

I'm NOT saying cheating is ever justified, but if I am correct, I would have advised her to dump him years ago and find a new man who would have sex with her.

There are choices, and there are consequences. For everyone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’d have a much greater chance if having a wife that actually cared about you if you divorced your wife who has made it clear she doesn’t love you and is actively searching for your replacement. I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you this is rare but it isn’t. I can promise you that you showing any weakness and pursuing her will send her running.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Be careful with your assumptions -- THAT isn't what I got from his opening post AT ALL. *It sounded like he was admitting that he had an equal or greater part in their intimacy being gone FOR YEARS. Perhaps HE has been ignoring HER. And that would make your comment wrong - it's possible she has been laying next to her husband wishing they could be intimate, but too afraid to try because he had rejected her in the past.*
> 
> I'm NOT saying cheating is ever justified, but if I am correct, I would have advised her to dump him years ago and find a new man who would have sex with her.
> 
> There are choices, and there are consequences. For everyone.





Max70 said:


> so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent


Fair enough. So from your perspective he is receiving what he deserves, where the marriage stands is entirely his fault. She only went outside the marriage because he wasn't performing his husbandly duties. So we both agree that the marriage ought to end for benefit of them both. You because he wasn't doing her, me because she has obviously already left the room.

My only question is, why didn't she just divorce him instead of sneaking around for years? Pretty dishonest IMO.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Fair enough. So from your perspective he is receiving what he deserves, where the marriage stands is entirely his fault. She only went outside the marriage because he wasn't performing his husbandly duties. So we both agree that the marriage ought to end for benefit of them both. You because he wasn't doing her, me because she has obviously already left the room.
> 
> My only question is, why didn't she just divorce him instead of sneaking around for years? Pretty dishonest IMO.


_Sigh_

Did you even READ my post, or just react to it? Which doesn't offend me, but I thought I made the answers to your questions clear.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How about we stick with his story instead of making up crap. Perhaps he'll share why there was a dead bedroom.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So sorry @Max70 for what you have discovered about your wife. A couple of questions has she showed you all of the texts or emails? Did they ever talk to each other on phone or send pictures? If she wants to try to make it work she needs to end all contact, give you access to all passwords, complete timeline of the EA. I would also consider after timeline a polygraph test to see if you have been told everything and that there have been no other EA’s or a PA. Best of luck!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As always, sex and intimacy are the glue of a marriage. When it goes away it cannot be ignore. It must be maintained at all cost if you want to keep a marriage alive and prevent infidelity. That ship has sailed though. 

If you want to try to salvage the marriage she is going to have to pay some kind of price. @Dictum Veritas gave a pretty good to-do list. I would also add a polygraph test asking if she has ever had sexual contact with anyone other than you since being married, had any sexual conversations via text, phone, app other then you and the known AP, and did you make plans to have physical contact with the known AP. That should at least get all the cards on the table and you can decide where to go from there. 

Above all, start working on yourself now!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How long have your marriage been sexless? Has their been any emotional warmth between the two of you? 

I agree with others that it is very likely that nude pics were exchanged and that video mutual masturbation complete with close ups of her goods took place. Before you go into rug sweeping mode complete with trying to nice her, you need to understand what it is you’re actually forgiving. How long has this really been going on? Was this her first virtual boyfriend? Has she had a local one in the past? Btw, rug sweeping and trying to nice your wife will never work and will actually further repulse your wife

With you having a sexless marriage for years, there’s a high chance that she’s been unfaithful more than once. When a wife tells her husband “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. She’s admitting that she’s detached from you and has attached to another. The majority of women are not emotionally able to give themselves to more than one man, which is why most of the time they end up sexually cutting off their husbands. In order to be faithful to the man their heart really belongs to. Some are able to continue having sex with their husbands but we see in so many threads, the wife becomes mechanical during the sex and they don’t want to kiss, give a BJ or have any foreplay. That’s because those are more intimate and she’s saving that for her man.

so you better get a hold of her phone, tablet, and laptop and go through her text, email, and social media. Rug sweep this at your families peril.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Sorry you're here. Your wife said she felt they wouldn't have been able to meet up, that sure as heck doesn't mean she didn't want to meet up, besides it was just a BS claim to make her look better in front of you after you found her having an affair, and it was an affair. Talk to a lawyer and file D papers, you said you want to work it out, this will be a 2x4 of reality across her back, it will show you where she really stands, more importantly it will show her you're not a doormat, you're a husband that expects his wife to own up to her vows and won't tolerate this level of disrespect.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Sorry you are here. She was planning to meet up with him, no matter how she tries to lie about it. Please don't do the pick-me dance, women don't respond to it at all. Consult with a lawyer and find out your legal stance should a divorce be on the cards, since her actions and words are pointing to that as a very grave possibility.
> 
> If you want to keep her, she has to immediately write a letter of no contact to this man and send it to him in your presence.
> 
> ...


Quoted for truth.
Frankly, her comment regarding her commitment to you is insulting to both you and your children.
You need to go on FULL offense and take charge.
File and get her served ASAP.
Annihilate her sense of self entitlement and selfishness.
Study up on and institute the 180 fully. Immediately.
Make her fight for you.
Make her clean up the mess she made.
Refuse to be her second choice, her "Plan B."
Assist her in making her wishes come true. Go down to the Piggly Wiggly and bring her back a real nice array of boxes to pack her crap in. Help her start packing.
Sit down with the apartment want ads and help her find a place. Tell her that she will need another place to live, after her trip she set up to bang super WANG.
Blow up her fantasy with the ugliness of the real world.
Do not take or cater to her crap. You can always ratchet down if she starts to get it.
Then even if she gets it, she has to do all the work to earn back trust, be transparent, and fix any and all of her malfunctions that led to this.
However, you need to hit her fantasy full force. That is your best shot at saving your marriage, if it can be saved at all.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Weakness, sorrow, love……. All to be put away for a while. The harder you crush her fantasy world in her mind, the better your chance of having a wife again. Personally, the best bet is detach and move on. Your wife is not marriage material. You need to wrap your head around that. I know it’s hard. Her response is all you need to know, to figure out how she really feels. No remorse here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> _Sigh_
> 
> Did you even READ my post, or just react to it? Which doesn't offend me, but I thought I made the answers to your questions clear.


That happens a lot here. If the betrayed spouse isn't immediately sanctified some will accuse you of saying they deserved it.

But like you I would like to know the reason for the dead bedroom. If he wishes to divorce it may not matter (though any issues he has may follow him to the next woman) but if they decide to try to reconcile then good advice depends on understanding the nuances of what's going on in the marriage.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> That happens a lot here. If the betrayed spouse isn't immediately sanctified some will accuse you of saying they deserved it.
> 
> But like you I would like to know the reason for the dead bedroom. If he wishes to divorce it may not matter (though any issues he has may follow him to the next woman) but if they decide to try to reconcile then good advice depends on understanding the nuances of what's going on in the marriage.


I agree. I hope he will be back to give more details.

From what he generally posted, I don't believe she will respond at all to anything he does. I think she's probably completely disconnected from him, and will be fine with ending their "marriage", which has really only been as roommates for what sounds like years.

Also, when my husband completely stopped wanting sex with me, after 3 months I did "the 180" - not because I wanted to get his attention back, but because my trust was broken and my heart was pulling away from him - and he absolutely flipped out (in a bad way). It DID NOT do anything to remind him of my value to him (not that I would have responded by that point if it had), and he unleashed emotional hell on me.

So taking a hard line in situations like this can push people completely away...and I suspect that is what will happen with this man's wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are no moral excuses for cheating.

There are logical reasons for seeking intimacy outside marriage.

A long term, dead bedroom is one of them.

At some point, many act in their best (selfish?) interests, even those that end up with them being immoral.

Some married folks are gamblers, and are risk takers.

Some get away with cheating, many do not (not, long term).

Those temptations are very real. We see it here all the time.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Max70 said:


> Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further. I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far. Asked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means. 22 years together with two great kids (14 & 11). I told her I wanted to save what we have if we can, but feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt. Not sure what to do next.


So her reasoning is, “Everything is fine because we live too far apart to actually have sex.” And to top it off she doesn’t know if she romantically loves you. Sir, this is not an apology, and she isn’t sorry. Looking pathetic and crying is not remorse. 

What may I ask is your “culpability” for her sexting some dude?

You made a mistake telling her you want to save things. This is what cheaters interpret as you looking like a fine doormat to rub their feet on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Max70 said:


> Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further. I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far. Asked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means. 22 years together with two great kids (14 & 11). I told her I wanted to save what we have if we can, but feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt. Not sure what to do next.


Dude: It doesn't matter that is your fault, her fault, both of you fault, etc., etc., The problem now is that she told you ILYBINILWY. It's over, she lost it for you, and that seldom if ever comes back. Game over.
Instead of wringing hands, moppin, feeling humiliated and hurt, what you need to understand is that at whatever level she cheated on you. I don't know what kind of self respect and dignity as man you have, and your tolerance for accepting infidelity, but just the fact that she's not longer in love with you is enough for anyone with a pinch of self respect to say "GOODBYE". 

Get your **** together, consult with a lawyer to see where you stand, file and serve her. This may be the only shock that might shake enough to reconsider, but I doubt it. Just seating there, feeling poopy won't get you anywhere, neither it will get her to love you again. Quite the contrary it will make her lose whatever little respect she has left for you. A strong, secure individual that shows that he/she is accepting the situation, and is working to end it with dignity and self respect might elucidate the outcome that you're looking for, but at this stage who cares? she was willing and ready to meet another man and ready to **** him.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Coloratura said:


> . As long as I live, I will never understand how spouses can so easily betray the ones they are supposed to love and cherish above all others.


While there are rare instances of true sociopath behavior, the reality is that long term "true" sexual attraction/chemistry is very hard to get, and even harder to keep...All that means is that at some point, one or both parties will be living a sexually unfulfilled life...Is that worth it, to maintain a marriage? No one can answer that for anyone else, I know its not something I would ever do...BTDT...nope...

It could have absolutely nothing to do with one person's ability to love and cherish...For many people, they may indeed love and cherish their spouses immensely, and yet still be looking to get that itch scratched elsewhere...Its an immensely powerful urge that is in all of us, or we all wouldn't be here posting on this thread...

I can't say that it's the case with the OP, but a lot of women get stuck with guys they don't sexually desire, because they value safety, security(be it financial or otherwise) over whether or not the guy can actually arouse them sexually...They fake it and try to compartmentalize it, but eventually they wind up cracking and giving in....Is this the case here? who knows?

At the end of the day, she didn't value the marriage enough to fake it anymore, I guess...Or maybe she was neglected as well, as some of the other posters stated...Sure, that is possible...

As for what he should do now? I agree with some of the other posters in the sense that its incredibly hard to put that genie back in the bottle and forget this and move forward...Some have succeeded I am sure, but I bet the numbers are very small...If he wants to put her ass to the fire, great, but it will accomplish nothing...She'll probably feel a little bad about it, and ashamed, because that's what most people would feel, but it wont change the fact that she doesn't see him as a sexual attractive person...She may never have and ran out of will to fake it....

It's probably best to plan the next move without her, and make sure your kids don't get stuck in the middle of it...That's the critical thing..Some people believe they should drag the kids through it and get them to take sides...I don't think that's right, they have nothing to do with it...Good luck and sorry for your situation..


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Max70 said:


> Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further. I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far. Asked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means. 22 years together with two great kids (14 & 11). I told her I wanted to save what we have if we can, but feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt. Not sure what to do next.


Sorry you are here. That is tough and it is a stressful situation. I know each situation is unique, but my ears were perked by the romantically loving you part. That is a sure sign that things might be hard to patch up. I say this because my ex used a very similar phrase when I found out she was cheating. Now, admittedly, our situations are different because she actually did have relations with this other guy and decided to pursue that but when we first talked and she was hemming and hawing about what to do, she said she still loved me, but didn't think the romantic side was still there. Very rarely do I think people lose that and get it back and the more the romantic side falls off, the more she's going to look for it elsewhere. I'm not saying you shouldn't make any attempt to try to repair things if that is what you both want, but go into it with eyes wide open and don't fool yourself.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Ask for written timeline and tell her she will be polygraphed. Anything left off timeline (including other affairs) will result in automatic divorce. Make her think she has a chance if she comes clean.

See what she says. Fake a polygraph after and drive to a parking lot for the parking lot confession.

In the meantime, get your ducks in a row for the divorce.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Coloratura said:


> I am so very sorry you are here. I am 51 and dealing with an unfaithful STBX husband - we also have 2 kids and have been married for 27 years, so I understand how you are feeling.
> 
> First of all, why is there culpability on your part for “letting things get so far”? Her behavior is 100% on her. You didn’t ask her to cheat on you. She is the one who took that risk and went outside your marriage, so the responsibility for that risk is all on her. Since she didn’t come to you on her own and admit her affair and show remorse, she was likely only saying she is remorseful because she got caught. Cheaters only admit to the bare minimum. She may try to blame you also - that is what cheaters usually do.
> 
> ...


You should stick around. Good post.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Fair enough. So from your perspective he is receiving what he deserves


I take it you don't know @LisaDiane very well do you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Do you know details about her POSOM? Is HE married/gf? If so, contact his partner immediately WITHOUT your wife's knowledge. Make sure you have proof (copies of the texts) to send to them.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Max70 said:


> Me 51, wife 46. It’s been a tough few years so our intimacy has been admittedly non-existent and then lost a job but landed a new one so felt we were turning a corner. But ‘sensed’ things were off more than usual and was right because found she’d been sexting someone online. They never met, but she was actually going on a trip and had told him about the dates. When confronted, she was remorseful and said she didn’t think they would be able to meet anyway and wouldn’t gave gone further. I’m shattered. She said it had only been going on for 3 months, but who knows?! I know there is culpability on my side for letting things go so far. Asked her if she still loved me, she said yes, but wasn’t sure where she was with ‘romantically’ loving me- I don’t know what that even means. 22 years together with two great kids (14 & 11). I told her I wanted to save what we have if we can, but feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt. Not sure what to do next.


What kind of trip was she going on?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

sokillme said:


> I take it you don't know @LisaDiane very well do you.


I think he does...or he SHOULD...Lol!!

But I understand, because it's a triggering topic, and I was very direct without alot of clarification or judgement (hoping for more details first from the OP). 

Plus, I'm always surprised at how differently people can read my words from how I am writing/saying them in my head!! So I know that's a hazard of writing posts too!

I'm not bothered or offended in the least, and I hope he's not either -- it's all good!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I think he does...or he SHOULD...Lol!!
> 
> But I understand, because it's a triggering topic, and I was very direct without alot of clarification or judgement (hoping for more details first from the OP).
> 
> ...


I take no offense to disagreements, that is part of life. The disagreeable I just put on ignore to keep my blood pressure in check (us old folks need to keep that down lol) I have collected a list of those, imagine I am on some other's lists. Ignore one of best features on this forum.

Apologies, end T/J


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I take it you don't know @LisaDiane very well do you.


I really don't know *anyone* on these forums. Sometimes, think have a poster's default perspective identified, then find am mistaken.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’d have a much greater chance if having a wife that actually cared about you if you divorced your wife who has made it clear she doesn’t love you and is actively searching for your replacement. I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you this is rare but it isn’t. I can promise you that you showing any weakness and pursuing her will send her running.


Also, he knows she WANTS to stray. He will always be looking over his shoulder and always having thoughts of this. 

When someone cheats, whether emotional or physical, its an emotional death sentence for their betrayed spouse/partner. This is why once I find out cheating has happened, they are gone.

I know it seems extreme, and probably the furthest thing from his mind, but I see no benefit in staying with a cheater. None at all other than financial.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Another poster with 1 post. Hope OP comes back and participates in the thread. Can't stand it when they don't.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> Another poster with 1 post. Hope OP comes back and participates in the thread. Can't stand it when they don't.


It seems pretty clear when a poster isn't ready to face the reality of the situation. Hallmark clues; taking responsibility for the betrayal, and wanting to save the relationship regardless of betrayer's behavior. These posters are usually searching for the magic fix from the internet that will make it all better.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

QuietRiot said:


> It seems pretty clear when a poster isn't ready to face the reality of the situation. Hallmark clues; taking responsibility for the betrayal, and wanting to save the relationship regardless of betrayer's behavior. These posters are usually searching for the magic fix from the internet that will make it all better.


A lot are in shock and will grasp at straws. From what I’ve seen. It sometimes takes time to figure out the “pick me dance” and trying the ‘nicing them back’ routine just puts them in a worse position. It takes some time to clear their heads and effectively deal with the situation. Thinking that if they caused it they should be able to fix it.

No one is prepared or has knowledge about infidelity. Understandable.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> A lot are in shock and will grasp at straws. From what I’ve seen. It sometimes takes time to figure out the “pick me dance” and trying the ‘nicing them back’ routine just puts them in a worse position. It takes some time to clear their heads and effectively deal with the situation. Thinking that if they caused it they should be able to fix it.
> 
> No one is prepared or has knowledge about infidelity. Understandable.


Yep, been there done that.

There is also the full rug sweepers, which I find is the most common and depressing scenario.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I really don't know *anyone* on these forums. Sometimes, think have a poster's default perspective identified, then find am mistaken.


Just to be clear, my default perspective is that cheating is ALWAYS WRONG.
I would NEVER justify cheating, no matter how unhappy someone is in their marriage!!! Cheating is WRONG in every situation. 

Like I said in my first post here, if she had come here asking what to do about her sexless marriage, I would have told her not to cheat, and to LEAVE him instead.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Just to be clear, my default perspective is that cheating is ALWAYS WRONG.
> I would NEVER justify cheating, no matter how unhappy someone is in their marriage!!! Cheating is WRONG in every situation.
> 
> Like I said in my first post here, if she had come here asking what to do about her sexless marriage, I would have told her not to cheat, and to LEAVE him instead.


I wrote the post as a general statement, not addressing anyone specifically. All of us are just strangers to one another in cyberspace.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I wrote the post as a general statement, not addressing anyone specifically. All of us are just strangers to one another in cyberspace.


I know!!  
I just wanted to make sure anyone else who read my post and mistook what my point was (because I was vague), would know exactly where I stood! Like I said, I know what I mean in my own mind, but I don't always convey that in my writing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Just to be clear, my default perspective is that cheating is ALWAYS WRONG.
> I would NEVER justify cheating, no matter how unhappy someone is in their marriage!!! Cheating is WRONG in every situation.
> 
> Like I said in my first post here, if she had come here asking what to do about her sexless marriage, I would have told her not to cheat, and to LEAVE him instead.


Agreed, leave and divorce, for no other reason than *not to* make a bad situation worse.

"Cutting your nose off to spite your face", would apply.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Looks like he was a drive-by poster.


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## trytobebetter (Mar 31, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Looks like he was a drive-by poster.


I know what u mean and agree


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

He acctually went to SI. Over there must likely he will hear what he wants to hear. So sad for men that can't face reality.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> I know!!
> I just wanted to make sure anyone else who read my post and mistook what my point was (because I was vague), would know exactly where I stood! Like I said, I know what I mean in my own mind, but I don't always convey that in my writing.


His thread on SI seems to affirm that his anxiety and depression affected his libido and played a major role in the dead bedroom.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Looks like he was a drive-by poster.


well, if we all held back a little, and did not drop on new members like a ton of bricks, they might tend to stick around long enough to actually get helped! 
remember, these guys and gals just had their hearts ripped out of their chests, and then they get more abuse here in the form of tough love. well, how about some "soft love" instead!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> *well, if we all held back a little, and did not drop on new members like a ton of bricks, they might tend to stick around long enough to actually get helped! *
> remember, these guys and gals just had their hearts ripped out of their chests, and then they get more abuse here in the form of tough love. well, how about some "soft love" instead!


So true...the truth hurts.

Yet, soft love will usually perpetuate the problem.

These problem seekers may bail, but they will remember what they read here, even if they hate the advice (advise in California).


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> So true...the truth hurts.
> 
> Yet, soft love will usually perpetuate the problem.
> 
> These problem seekers may bail, but they will remember what they read here, even if they hate the advice (advise in California).


I wouldn't have been able to get where I am today if I would have been given "soft love" here. Some people are unable to handle truth


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> I wouldn't have been able to get where I am today if I would have been given "soft love" here. Some people are unable to handle truth


Some listen well, and that _soft love_ gently soaks in.

They must have that realist attitude, and their altitude being, above grade.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Some listen well, and that _soft love_ gently soaks in.
> 
> They must have that realist attitude, and their altitude being, above grade.


Sometimes you need other people to make you see the truth, unsugarcoated.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> well, if we all held back a little, and did not drop on new members like a ton of bricks, they might tend to stick around long enough to actually get helped!
> remember, these guys and gals just had their hearts ripped out of their chests, and then they get more abuse here in the form of tough love. well, how about some "soft love" instead!


I nearly didn't come back when I first posted and looking back, what was said to me is not nearly as harsh as I've seen here. There's a way to tell people something without being an unfeeling asshole about it. 



Numb26 said:


> I wouldn't have been able to get where I am today if I would have been given "soft love" here. Some people are unable to handle truth


I don't think it has anything to do with being able to handle the truth. It's hard to accept that your entire life is teethering, and having people come at your with 2 x 4's right off the bat, especially after the one person you trusted already made you roadkill is rather overwhelming.

I get that people become jaded after time spent here seeing the same thing play out with different actors, but a little kindness goes a long way at the worst time of your life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> well, if we all held back a little, and did not drop on new members like a ton of bricks, they might tend to stick around long enough to actually get helped!
> remember, these guys and gals just had their hearts ripped out of their chests, and then they get more abuse here in the form of tough love. well, how about some "soft love" instead!


Speak for yourself. I didn't say anything other than to stop making up crap about the situation.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

They haven’t been intimate for a few years. 

The WW was sexting another man planning a meet up. Which she said it wouldn’t go any further. What did that mean? They would f each other’s brains out that one time and never meet again?

WW told him she is no long sexually attracted to him, no sex for the past 3 years explained. She is how ever looking for sex outside of the marriage, so she still has a desire for sex. 

She has either been cheating already or she will be more discreet the next time. I don’t believe this was the first time she has gotten her needs met.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

As far as OP going to SI, all you have to do is read some of the stories to see how weak some of the guys are over there. OP will fit right in.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ABHale said:


> They haven’t been intimate for a few years.
> 
> The WW was sexting another man planning a meet up. Which she said it wouldn’t go any further. What did that mean? They would f each other’s brains out that one time and never meet again?
> 
> ...


As I understand it it's him who is responsible for no sex.

Another poster just mentioned that his thread in SI suggested this and he was unclear about that here.

It's interesting to me that the default assumption is that it's the wife who cuts it off.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> As I understand it it's him who is responsible for no sex.
> 
> Another poster just mentioned that his thread in SI suggested this and he was unclear about that here.
> 
> It's interesting to me that the default assumption is that it's the wife who cuts it off.


Many men feel safe as cuckolds.
At least they get something, even if it's almost nothing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> As I understand it it's him who is responsible for no sex.
> 
> Another poster just mentioned that his thread in SI suggested this and he was unclear about that here.
> 
> ...




That's because on TAM it is always the woman's fault. Womenz is evil.😋


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> So true...the truth hurts.
> 
> Yet, soft love will usually perpetuate the problem.
> 
> These problem seekers may bail, but they will remember what they read here, even if they hate the advice *(advise in California).*


They spell advice differently in California? Is it because advice is known to the State of California to cause cancer?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> Many men feel safe as cuckolds.
> At least they get something, even if it's almost nothing.


Just shows the state of what men have become in this day and age, if you can even call them men anymore.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> That's because on TAM it is always the woman's fault. Womenz is evil.😋


At least where sex is concerned.

It's gotten a lot better around here though....remember how bad the cheating double standard used to be? Cheating men were jerks unless they weren't getting sex then it was her fault, but cheating women were the devil.

Its a lot more even now.

But the dead bedroom is no excuse for her to look elsewhere. I'll be honest....when my ex refused to deal with his ED and I found out about his ex u thought seriously about other men, but I couldn’t do it. It was beneath me.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> At least where sex is concerned.
> 
> It's gotten a lot better around here though....remember how bad the cheating double standard used to be? *Cheating men were jerks unless they weren't getting sex then it was her fault, but cheating women were the devil.*
> 
> ...


There's a difference. Cheating women often cut off the sex from their husband. Probably rare that a woman ends up cheating because her husband is not putting out.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> At least where sex is concerned.
> 
> It's gotten a lot better around here though....remember how bad the cheating double standard used to be? Cheating men were jerks unless they weren't getting sex then it was her fault, but cheating women were the devil.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. If you are tempted to cheat, end the relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> There's a difference. Cheating women often cut off the sex from their husband. Probably rare that a woman ends up cheating because her husband is not putting out.


Surely you're not suggesting that cheating husbands are not as bad?

****ing someone else and exposing his wife to God knows what because he hasn't cut her off is nor as bad?

I hope this is not your position. If my bf decides to cheat I hope he cuts me off.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Surely you're not suggesting that cheating husbands are not as bad?
> 
> ****ing someone else and exposing his wife to God knows what because he hasn't cut her off is nor as bad?
> 
> I hope this is not your position. If my bf decides to cheat I hope he cuts me off.


My thinking is that ANYONE the cheats is a jerk and the devil. There is no excuse


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> That's because on TAM it is always the woman's fault. Womenz is evil.😋


Confession….. people, we have a confession here!!!! Bout time you let the cat out of the bag😋


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

When I first started reading about cheating, almost universally the male pronoun was used to refer to the cheater. It seemed it was just assumed that the vast majority of cheaters were male. This has improved in the last decade or so.
And, the oft cited reason for women cheating was that the husband was either abusive emotionally stunted, neglectful or uncommunicative etc. There was a stereotype that men were bad communicators or emotionally unevolved. This despite the existence of all the male poets, orators, philosophers, authors etc. 
While men's cheating was excused because of lack of sex, boys will be boys, wife gained weight etc, women were excused because they were neglected, abused, lonely etc.
Each gender was stereotyped. 
Now we know women abuse as frequently and cheat as much as men and some women are uncommunicative and emotionally distant. And, men gain weight, withhold sex, etc.
Neither gender has a monopoly on the high road. Cheaters are, generally, personality disordered.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

This thread made me harken back to this oldie...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> My thinking is that ANYONE the cheats is a jerk and the devil. There is no excuse


Agreed. There are various reasons that it can happen but all involve poor character on the cheater's part.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I had never been cheated on before my ex wife did it. Until it happens to you, nobody knows the depth and insidious pain, and long lasting effects of it. I truly believe cheating should still have consequences in divorce. And the proof should be reasonable proof only such as in every other civil trial.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Surely you're not suggesting that cheating husbands are not as bad?
> 
> ****ing someone else and exposing his wife to God knows what because he hasn't cut her off is nor as bad?
> 
> I hope this is not your position. If my bf decides to cheat I hope he cuts me off.


No, not at all. Cheaters are garbage in my opinion, male or female, equal garbage. The point I was trying to make is that from my observations, mostly from reading on TAM, is that women cheaters are more likely to cut off their spouse at some point after they start cheating. I don't think it is very common for a woman to end up cheating because her husband does not have sex with her, but probably does happen. 

I hope this clears up my position....and don't call me Shirley!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> No, not at all. Cheaters are garbage in my opinion, male or female, equal garbage. The point I was trying to make is that from my observations, mostly from reading on TAM, is that women cheaters are more likely to cut off their spouse at some point after they start cheating. I don't think it is very common for a woman to end up cheating because her husband does not have sex with her, but probably does happen.
> 
> I hope this clears up my position....and don't call me Shirley!


I would never go so low as to call you Shirley 😀

It would be interesting to know how often women cheaters have husbands who won't have sex with them. How many men who aren't getting any from their wives cheat?

Correlation/causation.

Plenty of cheaters have sex with their spouses....they just like strange and deception.

I can tell you that while my ex didn't outright reject me he had raging ED he refused to deal with and I felt really undesirable. In that state I was vulnerable to attention; I never acted because that was beneath me but I understand how someone who is neglected by their spouse becomes vulnerable. You just need to have enough character to choose a better path.

I still think its better if a cheater cuts you off sexually. It sucks but you also won't be exposed to whatever STD they might pick up.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> *I still think its better if a cheater cuts you off sexually. It sucks but you also won't be exposed to whatever STD they might pick up.*


Better yet, if they just let you know about it so you can move on. I know this is unrealistic given the make up of cheaters.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> Better yet, if they just let you know about it so you can move on. I know this is unrealistic given the make up of cheaters.


The cheater paradox.


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## georgel316000 (Nov 3, 2021)

Max70, any update?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> That's because on TAM it is always the woman's fault. Womenz is evil.😋


You womerns needs to get back in da kitchen , make me a sammich, and brings me some party likker.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: It doesn't matter that is your fault, her fault, both of you fault, etc., etc., The problem now is that she told you ILYBINILWY. It's over, she lost it for you, and that seldom if ever comes back. Game over.
> Instead of wringing hands, moppin, feeling humiliated and hurt, what you need to understand is that at whatever level she cheated on you. I don't know what kind of self respect and dignity as man you have, and your tolerance for accepting infidelity, but just the fact that she's not longer in love with you is enough for anyone with a pinch of self respect to say "GOODBYE".


Well said indeed


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR WARNING:- No more threadjacking, please. *


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> That's because on TAM it is always the woman's fault. Womenz is evil.😋


I knew you would understand!!!😁


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sorry MattMatt


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