# I Need to Hear from the Men



## Winrey (Dec 10, 2011)

I joined this site for support once I resolved to treat my partner differently. I stopped sharing so much with him because it seemed to be too much (he complained). I keep more to myself and have tried to take on more responsibilities in the house, which he had taken over while I was ill and undergoing several surgeries. I still have medical issues, but I don't tell him when I'm in pain unless I can't hide it. He has been struggling with depression, but refuses to get help. The problem I'm facing now is that, if he is doing something that is problematic, I cannot say anything because he flips out. He screams at me and tells me all I do is critisize him. It doesn't matter how gently I approach the topic, I just can't say anything without it turning into a huge fight, so I no longer say anything even when I'm troubled. He, on the other hand, can say whatever he wants and I just have to take it. He's not overly critical, but the lack of balance is beginning to make me angry. Moreover, I've always been the one who has sought out sex and he could care less, but he acts like I'll jump on the chance if he offers...his ego is secure. What he doesn't know is that I've started to lose interest in him as a lover ever since our ability to communicate began to suffer. I've asked him to go to counseling with me, but he told me he is so miserable that he is sure any counselor would tell him to leave me. When I ask him why he stays, he says he has nowhere else to go. He says these things when he's angry, but he must mean them because he never apologizes. He's fine, as long as, I keep a smile on my face and don't bring up anything unpleasant. In the five years we've lived together, he hasn't held a job for more than 3 months while I worked full-time to support the family. He has invested a lot of time into our home and family, but doesn't seem to know how to balance that with work and personal fulfillment. That can be difficult for many people, but I can't fix this for him. I don't know how to make this better.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What do you think it is you "need to hear" from the men?


----------



## jsa750k (Nov 27, 2011)

I agree. What exactly do you need to hear ? He's in trouble, refuses to admit it,wont get any help for it and is killing the marriage ... time to bail. I was that guy,hopefully not to that extreme,because of my own insecurities. I hated my self and thought everyone else hated me too. Took it out verbally on my family whom I loved the most of course. I did'nt figure it out till she left me.


----------



## Winrey (Dec 10, 2011)

Women tend to be very harsh about my partner. I have found that men tend to provide greater insight into what I might do differently to help him. For example, I was told that by reducing the amount of things I shared with him, such as, trouble at work, that he would feel less put-upon by things for which he cannot change. This seemed to help, for a time. However, I'm bumping up against what appears to be a psychological trigger with him, where every concern I have, no matter how hard I try to discuss things in a gentle, respectful way, he ends up flying into a fury. It happened again today. After he became angry with my son, whom he has helped raise for the past six years, did something typically kid-stupid. I ran out to help keep things from getting too serious, and my partner felt that I didn't support him. What he isn't realizing is that even if he has a right to be angry, that doesn't give him the right to say or do whatever he wants. It hurts and causes wounds that don't heal because their is no remorse. I guess I wanted someone to tell me, "Wait, your missing this important "guy" thing that bugs all of us. If you fix this, it may help." I guess I'm being told no one can help. Unless I'm willing to put on that 1950's smile and say goodbye to my sex life, this isn't going to get better. Thanks, anyway.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

> I've asked him to go to counseling with me, but he told me he is so miserable that he is sure any counselor would tell him to leave me. When I ask him why he stays, he says he has nowhere else to go.





> In the five years we've lived together, he hasn't held a job for more than 3 months while I worked full-time to support the family.


No offense but this guy is a loser.

You keep referring to him as your partner which implies you're not married.

Why are you with this guy?

It sounds like you are co-dependent.

I would kick him out.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Winrey said:


> Women tend to be very harsh about my partner. I have found that men tend to provide greater insight into what I might do differently to help him. For example, I was told that by reducing the amount of things I shared with him, such as, trouble at work, that he would feel less put-upon by things for which he cannot change. This seemed to help, for a time. However, I'm bumping up against what appears to be a psychological trigger with him, where every concern I have, no matter how hard I try to discuss things in a gentle, respectful way, he ends up flying into a fury. It happened again today. After he became angry with my son, whom he has helped raise for the past six years, did something typically kid-stupid. I ran out to help keep things from getting too serious, and my partner felt that I didn't support him. What he isn't realizing is that even if he has a right to be angry, that doesn't give him the right to say or do whatever he wants. It hurts and causes wounds that don't heal because their is no remorse. I guess I wanted someone to tell me, "Wait, your missing this important "guy" thing that bugs all of us. If you fix this, it may help." I guess I'm being told no one can help. Unless I'm willing to put on that 1950's smile and say goodbye to my sex life, this isn't going to get better. Thanks, anyway.


It's not his kid?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm a woman and I can say that you should feel free to talk to your spouse/bf/partner about anything without feeling rejected or that it's "too much" for them. My husband is a fixer..so I preface my rants with, "I just need to get this out!" and then at the end I say, "thanks for listening...what do you think?" He stopped trying to fix and I get some feedback...and I don't talk more than about 20 minutes. 

That being said, your mate isn't putting 100% into your relationship at all. You work and he barely holds a job?  But he doesn't want to listen to you when you have issues or whatever?

He has a free ride in life, and you are letting him. It would be different if he pulled his weight at home and was a supportive partner, but you're not even getting that out of the deal.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m a man and I think your husband is an ass.

I wouldn`t dream of treating my wife as you`ve described.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I`m a man and I think your husband is an ass.
> 
> I wouldn`t dream of treating my wife as you`ve described.


Neither would I.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

he has depression and wn't get help. I don't see how working on anything else will do any good until he looks into getting that fixed. I won't tell you to leave because it's an illness unless he's being abusive. Have you tried getting family to help get him to see a doctor about his depression? Does he have a friend he looks up to that he may listen to?


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Kobo said:


> he has depression and wn't get help. I don't see how working on anything else will do any good until he looks into getting that fixed. I won't tell you to leave because it's an illness unless he's being abusive. Have you tried getting family to help get him to see a doctor about his depression? Does he have a friend he looks up to that he may listen to?


That sounds like a co-dependent enabling someone to do something unhealthy.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

So you bottle up your feelings and don't share things with your husband to keep him from getting angry....

In the words of Dr. Phil, "How's that working for ya?"

You're in a relationship with a systemic cancer. If you continue on your current path you are headed for the death bed. You can not be in a healthy relationship with someone when you are not comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's not possible.

Maybe let your husband know that you don't need him to "fix" you or solve your problem, you just want to be able to say what you are feeling. Honestly though I'm not sure that he's there.

The biggest concern is why you would continue to stay in a relationship with someone who loses their temper, doesn't allow you to express your feelings, and doesn't satisfy you? You lack self-esteem, and I would definitely recommend IC to explore that. An emotionally healthy person wouldn't stay in your relationship.


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Hum let me try a different idea.

The only thing I would do then in your shoes is try getting into something he likes. This may allow him to open up to you. 

Does he like golf? Ask to come allong and teach you. Watches football or any sports. Ask him to explain it to you.

There is a book his needs/ her needs it will have some ideas for you. Or the movie and book Fireproof,


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unless you are willing to set and enforce (by separating and possibly divorcing him) the following boundaries:

1. Seek medical help to treat his depression.

2. Go with you to MC (marital counseling) to help the two of you (more so him) to communicate your issues effectively without getting angry.

He has no reason to change because he does not want to change. Only a crisis - in the form of you leaving him- MAY force him to look inside himself and face the issues he has refused to look at so far.


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I`m a man and I think your husband is an ass.
> 
> I wouldn`t dream of treating my wife as you`ve described.


:iagree: And I am a male. He does not know the first thing about communication and unless he gets counseling he never will change his behavior.


----------



## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

i think the first mistake women make is trying to fix a problem they percieve is there, whether or not it is there, men dont want to be fixed, especially by a councellor, men need to get to a point to want to help themselves and then if you are right there he will be needing you, until that point give him as much time as possible, show him effort, men recognise this, we dont tend to judge the end result as much as the effort, men are work minded. not easy fix for this problem just time and effort.


----------



## Winrey (Dec 10, 2011)

nicky1 said:


> i think the first mistake women make is trying to fix a problem they percieve is there, whether or not it is there, men dont want to be fixed, especially by a councellor, men need to get to a point to want to help themselves and then if you are right there he will be needing you, until that point give him as much time as possible, show him effort, men recognise this, we dont tend to judge the end result as much as the effort, men are work minded. not easy fix for this problem just time and effort.


I appreciate everyone who provided their feedback. nicky1 seems to understand what I'm trying to do. I see that my partner has made some effort this past week to better his own life by engaging in things he enjoys. I don't get to decide how long it takes. I see little point in setting ultimatums. They are rarely successful, and that really isn't my style. In the meantime, I have returned to school to pursue a bachlor's degree, something I did not have the luxury to do earlier in my life. I was told by my counselor that before one can end a relationship, they need to be strong physically, mentally and emotionally. I am working to become strong myself. If we can work through our troubles, we will be all the better for our personal efforts. If it doesn't work out, I'll be strong enough to move on. I have other people I have turned to for the support I used to receive from my partner. However, he still manages to be there for me at the most surprising times. I haven't left because I'm not finished yet. He doesn't beat me. He doesn't fool around. The greatest extremes are not a part of this picture. However, I am well aware that, as it stands, it is not good enough for either of us. I'll just keep working on myself, try and support his efforts to become healthy, and be patient. How can this approach be mistaken?


----------

