# Hypothetical question



## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Question for those that have been to hell.. Maybe back.. Then to hell again. Whatever your scenario is.

If you did NOT have children how much would you be willing to take? If what's happened to you in the start of your seperation, or in the middle dosnt matter,, how willing would you be to wait it out? 

I'm really just curious if you took your scenario and your feelings/emotions and removed children would you be seperated or in limbo for days/weeks/months/years? Or would you have been more willing to just move past it?

My scenario is posted here, I've filed and feel ashamed about it but also feel It's my only option. I couldn't imagine how difficult this would be with a child! My heart goes out to every single one of you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Dont get me wrong, for me it is a factor but not my only factor. I want him here as much for me as for my children. I think you are willing to put up with more if you have a child/ Children... and there was no physical harm/ drugs, at least for me. If there was not children it would be alot easier to walk a way..


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Dont get me wrong, for me it is a factor but not my only factor. I want him here as much for me as for my children. I think you are willing to put up with more if you have a child/ Children... and there was no physical harm/ drugs, at least for me. If there was not children it would be alot easier to walk a way..


The absence of children does not make it easier to walk away.

I went through four separations and three failed attempts at R, in two and a half years.

It wasn't until I fixed myself that I could walk away.

Finding your self-worth is the only thing that makes it "easier".


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

8 months w/ one child trapped in marital hell/limbo; what ever you want to call it. I'd like to think if their wasn't a child involved I would have cut the chord a little quicker but we are capable of the oddest things. Fear of the unknown is a killer, if you let it get to you. Re- learning how to stand on my own again has been difficult but I'm making strides.

If you had no other options why do you feel the guilt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I think there are going to be alot of different responses to this question, we are all in different stages and going through different things in our marriages.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This happened in my first marriage. Two children, girl 6, boy 2 1/2. I can't explain the pain and since 1993. It was my fault. Doesn't matter why now. The pain is still there. It never goes, never. Now two grandchildren and don't see them. My fault. Ignorance is no excuse. Just tear my heart out with your bare hands. I'd rather that. Unbearable pain which eats your soul year after year. Holidays? Oh God. I just can't. It never ends, never. Just learn to bear it and move forward. Do the best you can and deal with it. Sorry, so sorry you can't even express it. Nothing can make up for it, nothing. 

Deep breath........My heart goes out to you if you have children. I'm so sorry for you. No matter if they are young or grown. Anything you can do for your children, anything, do it, anything. Go the distance. You will only have yourself to blame if you don't. Push back the anger and resentment. Don't worry about being friends so much with your ex, just be respectful since he or she is the father or mother of your children. Do it. Whatever it takes, whatever, do it. Push back the pain. Push it away. Leave it till the children have gone to the other parent. I know what I speak of. Think long and hard about everything you say and do. Do the absolute best you can. You won't blame yourself if you do. I tried so so hard. Just could not keep up the fight. I could not. I really tried with all my might. You cannot replace the love of your child with anything.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> 8 months w/ one child trapped in marital hell/limbo; what ever you want to call it. I'd like to think if their wasn't a child involved I would have cut the chord a little quicker but we are capable of the oddest things. Fear of the unknown is a killer, if you let it get to you. Re- learning how to stand on my own again has been difficult but I'm making strides.
> 
> If you had no other options why do you feel the guilt?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The guilt I think is comming from feeling like a failure. I have a problem with beating myself up about this. It's somthing I'm working on in counseling. I'm not a perfect person by any means and I did try to resolve things but it was met with a brick wall from Her. It's alot harder then I thought. Been going through this since sept and had my last straw about a week or so ago. The what if I did that or this is what's killing my conscience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

"I did try to resolve things but it was met with a brick wall from Her."

Like many others have told me: She's made the decision for you. She doesn't feel the need to work on herself and commit to your marriage.

You didn't fail. She gave up. So don't beat yourself up over this. You did the best you could at the time. Drop all hope of your relationship being repaired and let her go.

You were left with no other options but to file. Good for you - Its a daunting task and you overcame it.

Work on yourself like never before: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc...
Make it a point to continue going to IC till all of your issues, bad habits, and insecurities are addressed. You will never attain perfection but you can become a better person.

And yes, I know... This All Sux right now - but going fwd, you hold all the cards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My point was not to berate you op. Whatever happens with your wife, do your best not to let it affect the children. Do what is best for them. They(the children) will always be yours, if you have them. Do all that you can for them. You and your wife only have to respect each other for their sake, not for the sake of saving the marriage. In the end, if the marriage fails, you will still have the children and they will need you and you them.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

2n- we don't have kids. I didn't take your post negatively at all. I'm sorry for all your troubles and I hope it gets better for you!

Regroup- thank you, I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing just very hard. Even working on myself seems confusing. If there were children involved I believe I would still be in limbo land. Staying strong and true is extremely difficult. Being indifferent is extremely difficult. She wants to discuss what to do with the house but seeing her sets me back. Argh, seems avoidance of the situation woulda been easier but I know that's just denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I would have had just as hard a time without my son. I was in limbo for a very long time because I wouldn't face reality. I was totally co-dependent on my stbx. You have to get to a healthy place before you can deal with this in a rational way. It's so hard. I feel for you. I promise it gets better though. I didn't think that I would ever be happy again. I was wrong. I would never go back now.


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