# Step son disrespecting me



## PHY33 (Oct 28, 2014)

You all have such great advice, I need help with one more
I have been married for 3 years to a wonderful man and I have a 13 year old step-son. I also have a 13 year old son of my own. They both do not get along at all. Anyways, I have tried for years to be there for my step-son and have supported him in everything he does, all his sports and everything. He continues to disrespect me and be rude as heck to me. I am always there for him and it hurts me for him to act this way. For example he had basketball tryouts yesterday and I texted him and asked how it went, his response was "why did you ask before it was even over?" not thanks for asking or anything like that. His mom lives a block away but has a job where she is gone for weeks at a time, so she spoils him and buys him everything he wants. At my house he doesn't get that, I feel it makes him a spoiled brat. My son works for what he wants. My husband does stick up for me and gets on him about his attitude but it doesn't change. Tonight he has conferences and I told my husband I am not going, I am done supporting him. My husband is mad at me now. Told me I should go, and still support him. I see no reason to, maybe it will make my step-son change his ways. Am I wrong? Thanks so much!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think letting go of supporting him is the right move here. But don't do it all the way, just don't do it for a month, and start slowly again, but NOT too much/force it. 

Kid seems spoiled and doesn't appreciate crap, so let him be. Let him learn the hard way.

Nothing worse than a spoiled kid. Just wait till he matures/gets to adult age.........he will suck his mother dry. Whatever you do, DO NOT let him suck you 2 dry.

Meanwhile I would start UNSPOILING him with a list of responsibilities. Sit down with your husband and come up with a list. Cleaning bathroom.....kitchen....dishes....yard work.....keep him busy on REGULAR basis. Stay on top of him if he doesn't do it and tell him what the consequences will be (no TV, no phone/games etc). This should be mostly your husband's job with your assistance here and there.

Tell him this is part of his contribution towards the household. He needs to learn that EVERYONE contributes and puts in their share. As in: LIFE is not a free ride.

I would also ask him to assist with cooking few times a week with your hubby or you.

"if your teenage kid doesn't hate you, you are NOT doing your job as a parent".

Don't take above to the extreme, but you get the point.


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## PHY33 (Oct 28, 2014)

Thanks so much! I agree with you. And I think that's why he is resenting me is because I don't let him get away with stuff around here. His dad also spoiled him before we met and since we have been together that has changed. We have him every other week and weekend. I may tell him to pick up his room on Monday and it wont get done til Thursday or I end up doing it. He really does not have it hard here, he is just not spoiled. He thinks he is the best at everything and if he does not get that attention all the time then he gets an attitude. I think if I back off the supporting him he may realize what I do for him.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

PHY33 said:


> Thanks so much! I agree with you. And I think that's why he is resenting me is because I don't let him get away with stuff around here. His dad also spoiled him before we met and since we have been together that has changed. We have him every other week and weekend. I may tell him to pick up his room on Monday and it wont get done til Thursday or I end up doing it. He really does not have it hard here, he is just not spoiled. He thinks he is the best at everything and if he does not get that attention all the time then he gets an attitude. I think if I back off the supporting him he may realize what I do for him.


I think you should still support him but don't spoil him. Withdrawing support from a child says you don't care about them. You and your husband should come up with the rules of the house, sit both kids down together and let them know what they are. Breaking the rules should have the appropriate consequences. But love and care should not be conditional toward a child.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Tonight he has conferences and I told my husband I am not going, I am done supporting him. My husband is mad at me now. Told me I should go, and still support him. I see no reason to, *maybe it will make my step-son change his ways.* Am I wrong? Thanks so much!


I don't think it will. It will likely solidify his belief that you don't really support him, but it won't make him change anything. He'll see it as, "See? I was right. She doesn't really care about me." And then he'll behave even more disrespectfully toward you.



> I think if I back off the supporting him he may realize what I do for him.


Again, I doubt it. All he'll see is your lack of support.

13 year olds don't think and reason the way adults do. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect him to reason the way an adult does.

Better that you behave like an adult, and one day, he'll catch up to you and realize that you have always been there for him (even though you might not pick up after him or clean his room!) even when he was pushing you away.

He may be spoiled, but he's also had his life majorly disrupted by his parents' divorce and his dad's remarriage when he was just 10 years old. He is acting out in the only way he knows how, or can make an impact. Don't let him get away with unacceptable behavior, but don't punish him for not handling this remarriage well.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

People will treat you how you let them treat you. Kids are no exception. 

If I were you, I would keep my cool and talk to him like he's an adult. Simply state that he should treat you with respect. Period. That is the mature way to behave and he is on his way to being a young man and that you and his dad expect that he act like one.

I wouldn't go out of my way at all to "support" him. Go to his games, etc., but go there to be with your H. Avoid any actions that show you are trying to establish some kind of "mom" or "friend" role with him. He will either decide he's ok with that or he will want the old you back. But don't keep setting yourself up for being knocked down by his rudeness.

Also, what is his dad doing about all of this? He should be addressing this issue primarily, not you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PHY33 said:


> Thanks so much! I agree with you. And I think that's why he is resenting me is because I don't let him get away with stuff around here. His dad also spoiled him before we met and since we have been together that has changed. We have him every other week and weekend. I may tell him to pick up his room on Monday and it wont get done til Thursday or I end up doing it.


never EVER do above FOR HIM.



PHY33 said:


> He really does not have it hard here, he is just not spoiled. He thinks he is the best at everything and if he does not get that attention all the time then he gets an attitude. I think if I back off the supporting him he may realize what I do for him.


Every kid will act like the world is about to end when they don't get their way. Completely normal 

Anytime he acts up, remind yourself about above and ignore him. He is looking for results and keep getting them!


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## PHY33 (Oct 28, 2014)

He's 13, not 5. He knows right from wrong and he knows that he continues to disrespect me. My son is from and broken marriage and was disrespecting my husband for awhile, I put a stop to it. There is not reason a teenager should disrespect. I realize he has been through a lot, many kids have. He still needs to treat me with respect and realize what I do for him. He is old enough. If I keep on letting him get away with it, it will just get worse. Just "telling" him its wrong every time he does it is not making a difference. All he says is "I know". Then does it again.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

PHY33 said:


> He's 13, not 5. He knows right from wrong and he knows that he continues to disrespect me. *My son is from and broken marriage and was disrespecting my husband for awhile, I put a stop to it. *There is not reason a teenager should disrespect. I realize he has been through a lot, many kids have. He still needs to treat me with respect and realize what I do for him. He is old enough. If I keep on letting him get away with it, it will just get worse. Just "telling" him its wrong every time he does it is not making a difference. All he says is "I know". Then does it again.


Bingo. YOU, not your husband, put a stop to your son's behavior. Your husband needs to step up with his own son and put a stop to his behavior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHY33 said:


> Thanks so much! I agree with you. And I think that's why he is resenting me is because I don't let him get away with stuff around here. His dad also spoiled him before we met and since we have been together that has changed. We have him every other week and weekend. I may tell him to pick up his room on Monday and it wont get done til Thursday or I end up doing it. He really does not have it hard here, he is just not spoiled. He thinks he is the best at everything and if he does not get that attention all the time then he gets an attitude. I think if I back off the supporting him he may realize what I do for him.


Why are you telling him to clean up his room? His father needs to be the one doing this.

I raised my own son and 2 step kids. My husband had 100% custody of his two children. His ex had occasional visitation. So I was the full time mom.

What I learned is that most kids hate their step parent. You step son did not pick you, his father did. Your step son does not want you in his life, you were forced on him by his father. Sorry but that's most likely his point of view. Because of this his father needs to be the on who tells him what to do and too discipline him, not you.

Does your step son disrespect you in front of his father? Or does he do it mostly when your husband is not around? Is your husband truly aware of the extent of the disrespect?

I've read that when a blended family breaks up, it's usually because of the husband's children. A man's children seldom have any respect at all for the new woman their father is sleeping with . That's how they view their step mother. The disrespect is a child's way of having some control in a situation in which they have no choice. And it's a way to drive a huge wedge between the child's father and their father's new wife. Kids seem to do this instinctively because it works so well.

I think that it would really help all of you if you all got into family counseling . You and your husband need to learn how to parent in a blended family. It sounds like your husband is putting too much of the parenting of his son on you. This generally leads to exactly what you are experiencing.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PHY33 said:


> He's 13, not 5. He knows right from wrong and he knows that he continues to disrespect me. My son is from and broken marriage and was disrespecting my husband for awhile, I put a stop to it. There is not reason a teenager should disrespect. I realize he has been through a lot, many kids have. He still needs to treat me with respect and realize what I do for him. He is old enough. If I keep on letting him get away with it, it will just get worse. Just "telling" him its wrong every time he does it is not making a difference. All he says is "I know". Then does it again.


Your husband needs to do a better job controlling him just like you did with your son.

Punish him when he does, there HAS to be consequence. 

No consequence = some more of the same 

Turn off his cable.....Internet access.....phone....ground him.......hit him where it hurts!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I have 2 step sons (ages 10 & 8). I came into their lives when they were quite young so I haven't really had any issues with their behavior. Bio-mom & I are cordial and we are all in agreement that adults are to be respected. With that being said my husband is the main disciplinarian for my 2 boys, as it should be.

I think your husband needs to step in when your step son gives you any lip service or attitude. If he doesn't do his chores, his father should be the one to enforce the rules or give him the consequences. If your husband is not doing this consistently, then the real problem is your husband & not your step son.


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## PHY33 (Oct 28, 2014)

He mostly disrespects me when his father is not around. Like I have to tell him 20 times to do something his father has to tell him once. I tell him to pick up his room 20 times, and he waits til his dads gets home and does it in front of him to get the "good job kiddo". Makes me sick. His father does not see the "real" him that I see. Then my husband always throws my son under the bus. He tries anyways, I think to make himself feel better, idk. I am on the fence about going to the conference tonight.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

PHY33 said:


> He mostly disrespects me when his father is not around. Like I have to tell him 20 times to do something his father has to tell him once. I tell him to pick up his room 20 times, and he waits til his dads gets home and does it in front of him to get the "good job kiddo". Makes me sick. His father does not see the "real" him that I see. Then my husband always throws my son under the bus. He tries anyways, I think to make himself feel better, idk. I am on the fence about going to the conference tonight.


I wouldn't even bother telling him to clean his room. Let his father tell him. That will save you the aggravation. Now if his room is supposed to be cleaned up by a certain time & it's not done, take a picture & text it to your husband. Apparently, getting praised by his father is his motivation - let him have that.

You have to remember that your step son is still a child, take the high road with him. He is at the age where they get manipulative & cop attitudes in an attempt to get their own way. When you show him that you are un-phased by his passive aggressive tactics, you win. He can tell when he pisses you off, don't show it.

As far as the conference goes, I would suggest for you to still go. Taking the high road with your step son includes things like this where parental presence is important. Being consistent about showing how much you care is more important.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PHY33 said:


> You all have such great advice, I need help with one more
> I have been married for 3 years to a wonderful man and I have a 13 year old step-son. I also have a 13 year old son of my own. They both do not get along at all. Anyways, I have tried for years to be there for my step-son and have supported him in everything he does, all his sports and everything. He continues to disrespect me and be rude as heck to me. I am always there for him and it hurts me for him to act this way. For example he had basketball tryouts yesterday and I texted him and asked how it went, his response was "why did you ask before it was even over?" not thanks for asking or anything like that. His mom lives a block away but has a job where she is gone for weeks at a time, so she spoils him and buys him everything he wants. At my house he doesn't get that, I feel it makes him a spoiled brat. My son works for what he wants. My husband does stick up for me and gets on him about his attitude but it doesn't change. Tonight he has conferences and I told my husband I am not going, I am done supporting him. My husband is mad at me now. Told me I should go, and still support him. I see no reason to, maybe it will make my step-son change his ways. Am I wrong? Thanks so much!


Yes, you're wrong.

You should go. You should not stop supporting him. You are the adult and he is the child, so the burden is on you to prove you are not giving up on him.

The instance you describe is nothing important. You could have reacted or responded in any number of different ways. When I read the reply he sent, it suggested he expected you to know when practice was over and you didn't know that. 

Besides that, your step son is 13. *13* is THE age for this kind of crap! Snark and generally sh!ttiness is so common no parent should take it personally. All 13 year olds think their parents are stupid. It's up to you to teach him not to show it so blatantly.

Back to his tex: why did you send this... You reply with silence. When he gets home you and your H sit him down and explain some things.
1. Don't check your messages during practice.
2. Who cares when a message was sent, what's the big deal? Obviously you're not expected to answer a question unless you actually have the answer, but attacking the questioner is also not expected nor will it be tolerated!
3. We expect you to be polite and civil and all times. Save your snark for the kids at school!

And then you continue to be the adult and support him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PHY33 said:


> He mostly disrespects me when his father is not around. Like I have to tell him 20 times to do something his father has to tell him once. I tell him to pick up his room 20 times, and he waits til his dads gets home and does it in front of him to get the "good job kiddo". Makes me sick. His father does not see the "real" him that I see. Then my husband always throws my son under the bus. He tries anyways, I think to make himself feel better, idk. I am on the fence about going to the conference tonight.


You and your husband are either a team or your not. Your sons, both of them, are pulling you two in different direction away from each other. 

Don't repeat instructions if you know this is his MO. Write it down instead.

"_Please have your room clean by 3:30, it is now 2:30, one hour should be more than enough time. Thank you.

"It is now 3:15 and you haven't started your room. There will be consequences if your room isn't clean by 3:30."_

When his father comes home don't say anything. Just hand him the notes.

Most parents talk too much about something and not enough about other things. Direction and instruction need few words, the less the better. Behavior expectations need lots of words and lots of conversation.

"We've talked about being polite and civil. Change your tone or face the consequences that we've already talked about. Say it again without the attitude this time."


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

its really too bad he has to stay with you when his mom "is away for weeks". She really has a nice set up...you take the kids B.S., and she can pop back in his life every once in a while for fun. 

Not sure how you can get out of this. If he was 18, you could just tell him to hit the road. 

At 13, its 1/3 his fault for just being and *******, 1/3 his mother's fault for spoiling him/semi abandoning him, and 1/3 just for him being a normal *******teenager. 

That certainly does not leave many other one-thirds for you to influence him with! 

It is VERY good that your husband backs you up! shows his marriage is more important to him. 

what to do? I would suggest sports for him....something rigorous that he needs to train for a lot...work out a lot, get dead tired, then he will have less energy for being beligerant. Or if he wants to work out at a gym...encourage that. Martial arts, like judo, teach mental discipline too, which he is lacking. 

If you could get him involved in a church group, like one that volunteers at a hospital/soup kitchen....THAT might open his eyes up to how much better he has it than some people.

Hang in there! kids...i am really glad mine are finally gone! THey were fun, but a boatload of work


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm stepmum to my husbands 10 year old daughter. I came into her life when she was 6. We have developed a loving relationship and are very close.

I disagree that the step parent shouldn't discipline the child - with the exception of if they come into the kids lives when the kids are teens, that's a whole different ballgame. I discipline my (step)daughter just as much, if not more than her father simply because I'm home with her far more than he is. It just wouldn't work any other way. I get her ready for school, I take her there, I pick her up 3 days a week and am home with her until hubby comes home from work. 

I don't tolerate bad behaviour and will pull her up for it every single time. I enforce consequences and always follow through. I also commend and reward good behaviour every single time. It's not rocket science. She loves it. 

Hubby and I expect certain things from her - like tidying her room and picking up after herself. If she doesn't do it I will tell her to. It's my home, and she will follow the rules. End of story.

You and hubby need to sit down with both the boys, go through the house rules, and what the consequences will be if the rules are broken. One set of rules for both kids.

The main problem here is your husband, not his son. My husband would never tolerate disrespect toward me (or anyone, but especially me) from his daughter, no way.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Your husband needs to man up and make it clear with consistent action that the kid will pay dearly for disrespecting you. 

You won't be able to buy the kids respect by "supporting him", but you should still do it anyway.


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