# Can someone tell me some positive things about a spouse leaving you?



## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

I know the typical....

You get a break from some of the stress
You get to learn about yourself
You get to strech out in bed....blah blah blah

But, what are some things that you were surpried to learn? I need to start a gratitude list and am having a hard time thinking about some positive things that may come. Thanks for helping


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

It's not you...it's just that it was not the right match.

there's a ying for everyones yang


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Gratitude is a great idea.

I am discovering that I can plan a future that suits ME, not one that suits US. I feel far more freedom and much more ability to do what I want to do rather than to provide the biggest paycheck I possibly can.

Also, through adversity I have discovered incredible inner strength and determination.

Marriage was a compromise. I now feel ready for a future without compromise - and hopefully with a partner who won't make me compromise.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Exellent !!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married a very long time. I was pleased to discover that you really do get your life back. 

You buy the food that you want, cook what you want, and eat when you want.

You watch what you want on television. The remote is yours. If you don't like sports (I actually do) then you never have to see them on your television again.

You come and go as you please. No running your plans by someone else. Or asking them to join you and being turned down.

Those are a few things that come to mind. I am enjoying this time.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

45 years.........that is amazing!


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

I would echo what everyone else has said. I'm excited to be able to live for myself going forward. If I don't want to do something, I don't have to. If I do want to do something, I can do it, without needing to check in or run it by anyone. I can watch what I want, eat what I want.

I also have a lot more money (unfortunately I know it often works the other way around for those left behind). It doesn't buy happiness, but it's nice to have. I've lost her income, but I've also lost her car note, insurance, phone, student loan, hair appointments ($125 a month!), makeup/hair product/etc, the bi-weekly clothing/shoes shopping sprees ($300-400 on any given Saturday), groceries (lots of organic and top shelf for her, so also expensive). Even while paying the attorneys/PIs for the divorce, I still have more money than I know what to spend on. Thinking of an overseas trip later this year. Meanwhile she's adjusting to her new life of being barely over the poverty line. Maybe her boyfriend can satisfy her expensive tastes.

Honestly, at this point I'd say the only two things I miss are a) the woman my wife used to be, and b) the companionship of having someone to share your life with. The first is just a mourning process - my wife as I knew her was dead, grieve and move on. The second is only temporary.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> 45 years.........that is amazing!


Can't get those years back so I'm focusing on the future.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Well, at least now you know you're going to get good sex (from yourself). No more half assed nights where your spouse just sort of phones it in. 

Oh, and what's that sound? The sound of no one complaining in your ear? 

I just checked your member's profile......

Are you kidding me!?!? You're a chef with your own catering business!? That's like meals on wheels for single men! You could literally find any man, feed him, and date him much easier than going and out looking for him. Seriously, you can attract men much more easily because we do love women who know how to feed us.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Happy to see someone said no more compromise because I found marriage a constant compromise too. Don't have to worry bout that anymore.
Well sorta , there's still being close to my daughter somehow - so I still can't just go where I'd really like to.

But it's strange how you just do things now.
Food , what you want when you want.
Stay up , go to bed , sleep all day , get home when you want.
Play music as loud as you want and whenever.
Sneak of for a holiday whenever you want , apart from working it with your kids = to where ever want.

To me it's like being married , it's about 50/50 !


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

I can fart anytime I want to....

Ditto what else was said prior to my posting!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I got rid of a chronic over-spender and now I'm in great financial shape. I got my self-respect back and quit praying for death. The greatest blessing of my life! With that controlling, evil bat out of the way, I got to be myself again. My relationship with my kids and basically everyone else improved. Not being beat down, my attitude improved, got promoted at both jobs. I have a happy future to look forward to instead of gazing longingly at the door waiting for Death to show up and mercifully take me out. My life hasn't just improved. It began the day the hateful psycho left. The whole world began anew.


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## Spiderman (Oct 29, 2012)

Got the opportunity to find out who I really am without being suppressed all the time.
Learned what to look for in my next relationship and when I remarried it definitely has taught me to appreciate and notice good stuff we have in this marriage.
But I also must say I did enjoy the feeling of freedom like others have already said before me: do what you want, when you want etc


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Not having to watch Discovery Channel every night!
Being able to watch girly crap on the telly.
No picking up after someone else.
Staying up late on a work night if you want too.
Having a giggle at all the 20 year old hitting on you on 'Plenty of Fish.com'.

Oh wait Hubby's back now! Discovery Channel it is then!
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Used sanitary towels no longer exist in my world. 

The other stuff i have so far is all things I would have had anyway if I was in a healthier marriage then mine ended up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I got to take a 'forced much needed' step back and take a good hard long look at myself as to why I tolerated what I did. I got to clear the cobwebs out of my head and see who it 'really was' I was living with. 
I lived in denial...not all denial but enough denial to 'trick' my mind and heart into thinking 'he will change'...it's not 'him'...'if only I did it this way or hadn't said that'... 
Him leaving me was a gift. I gift I didn't know I needed. 

With the others...I got my self respect back...oh but much more.. i realized just how 'sick' he is...and actually take solace in knowing he will be a miserable person his entire life because he choses to 'not' own his sickness...and get help. ..Or he will end up in prison and drop the soap and he will get 'his' because he's that pretty...whichever...

There's new perks every day...you may not know that in the beginnning... no one does...because it hurts...not that I don't hurt...but damn...the life i was living was not a 'life'...

so in essence...he left... and i was given 'life'.... how kewl is that? :")


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

I feel so much better this morning! Thanks everyone!!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I reckon even if I do hook up again , I don't wanna get married again.
Not much point these days it means nothing anymore no mater how they feel at the time.
You gotta see them , it all , in 29yrs time , not on the day .

If anything, live in sin together and grow old together if your lucky , that way  
Be the way to go I reckon.

Never did like the Married label anyway !


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> I reckon even if I do hook up again , I don't wanna get married again.
> Not much point these days it means nothing anymore no mater how they feel at the time.
> You gotta see them , it all , in 29yrs time , not on the day .
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this statement! Something about it feels like your property and that sucks. I don't belong to someone, I want a partner. 

I am enjoying being single and not dating, etc.... It just clears so much drama out of your life. Clarity is where it's at these days.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Freedom. Not from them but from a cage of my own making.

Freed from the rediculous rules and restrictions i placed on myself in the name of being a good husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Not coming home to a lazy bum who wouldn't get a job but was happy to spend what little.money I managed to bring home.

Respect from my family and friends and more importantly myself for doing what's right for me for a change.

Giving myself an opportunity to enter into a healthy relationship someday and have kids with the right man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shawn-m (Feb 15, 2013)

rsersen said:


> I would echo what everyone else has said. I'm excited to be able to live for myself going forward. If I don't want to do something, I don't have to. If I do want to do something, I can do it, without needing to check in or run it by anyone. I can watch what I want, eat what I want.
> 
> I also have a lot more money (unfortunately I know it often works the other way around for those left behind). It doesn't buy happiness, but it's nice to have. I've lost her income, but I've also lost her car note, insurance, phone, student loan, hair appointments ($125 a month!), makeup/hair product/etc, the bi-weekly clothing/shoes shopping sprees ($300-400 on any given Saturday), groceries (lots of organic and top shelf for her, so also expensive). Even while paying the attorneys/PIs for the divorce, I still have more money than I know what to spend on. Thinking of an overseas trip later this year. Meanwhile she's adjusting to her new life of being barely over the poverty line. Maybe her boyfriend can satisfy her expensive tastes.
> 
> Honestly, at this point I'd say the only two things I miss are a) the woman my wife used to be, and b) the companionship of having someone to share your life with. The first is just a mourning process - my wife as I knew her was dead, grieve and move on. The second is only temporary.


WOW !!! this second paragraph is spot on with my very own feelings, I miss the same, but the wife I had......she's long gone....mentally, shes this new viscious %^&*#.

Im sure I wont miss that either.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Is it my turn to say something? Ok, I guess I'll go again. 

Not having to apologize for something I didn't do, or setting aside my feelings to always dry her endless supply of tears over the littlest of things. Honestly, my ex wife the damsel in distress would cry if I ever said "No" to her, and I really I wasn't a bad guy. I tried to work with her but she would cry to get her way ALL THE TIME!

So, I'll go with being the adult again and loving how you can say "NO" and not have to deal with a crying screaming woman child day in and day out. 

So long Dr. Phil, hello Dr. Feels Good!:smthumbup:


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

If I had to find something it would be learning, believing, showing my children and living ACCEPTANCE. 

Whew....not an easy thing for me!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> Not having to apologize for something I didn't do, or setting aside my feelings to always dry her endless supply of tears over the littlest of things. Honestly, my ex wife the damsel in distress would cry if I ever said "No" to her, and I really I wasn't a bad guy. I tried to work with her but she would cry to get her way ALL THE TIME!


I wonder if anyone has ever done a study to see if there is a particular character type that tends to be WAW's/H's. 

Not surprisingly, a lot of them seem to like the victim chair.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I wonder if anyone has ever done a study to see if there is a particular character type that tends to be WAW's/H's.
> 
> Not surprisingly, a lot of them seem to like the victim chair.


Yeah they're called borderlines and narcissists. 

If you mary a man or woman with an intimacy problem, like the ones that usually come with NPD and BPD, they're bound to leave you when you don't fulfill their endless list of high expectations. 

Then again, there are a lot of people out there who are wolves in sheep's clothing and who marry only to be taken care of, or who commit until the next sucker comes along.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'd echo a lot of the posts on here. Being left by my Ex forced me to stretch myself in ways I hadn't before. Mostly in doing things strictly for myself -- not like fixing things myself (I did that when I was married a lot of the time), but like doing _nice_ things just for me, for no other reason than because I wanted to. With nobody giving me a guilt trip, or making me 'pay.' My own self-imposed guilt trips are much fewer and farther between.

I have been working hard on my issues ever since we split. I am closer to getting to the point where I know I won't let myself down and lose my self in order to 'earn' the love of a man. He will love me _because_ I'm me, or he's not the man for me. I will never be perfect, but I will be the best me that I can. It's a lifelong process, but it feels good to hear people who have known me for years tell me what an amazing transformation they have seen since the end of my marriage. That aside from the first year or two of our marriage, I look the best, healthiest, and happiest they've ever seen me. 

I take better care of myself because I'm not being drained taking care of my needy-narc ExH. I honestly feel younger and more alive now than I did when I married him in 2001. 

I don't second guess what I see, hear or think to the point of thinking I'm crazy anymore (and I don't have anyone constantly putting me in the position to do that). I'm not constantly apologizing for not being 'enough' enough. 

Even though I'm on my own, I don't feel nearly as stressed out as I did when I was living with a 'partner,' who was supposed to be sharing all of life's joys and burdens with me. Curious, that.

I am trying things I've always wanted to try, picking up things that I let go of while married, and best of all, because I'm happier and healthier, my relationship with my son is the best it's ever been. 

And NONE of this would have been possible if I'd stayed married to his father. None of it. I tried -- couldn't happen.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

oh lord, have you got all day? 

I no longer walk on eggshells waiting to hear the inevitable explosion when something hasn't gone his way
I no longer have to suppress certain aspects of my personality that he thought were 'stupid' or would dismiss
I am completely my own person again - I gave up smoking, only drink at weekends, started working out, no longer eat crap
I can actually cook things that me and D like rather than having to pander to his rather boring tastes
I haven't watched TV in about a year
I have money left over at the end of every month and don't have to raid what little savings I have in order to fund his frivolous spending
I don't have to listen to his tedious stories over and over again
I don't have to listen to his ill-informed ranting about whatever has pissed him off that day
I can starfish in the bed
It's much easier to keep the house tidy now I can actually throw things away (he was a hoarder)
I've got rid of all ornaments, etc. I can't stand and am in the process of redecorating the way I WANT TO REDECORATE (this might be the best thing)
I no longer have to see his family

That's it for now, I'm sure there's more


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

What a great list Dolly and everyone else!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I get to buy myself some medieval and Japanese weaponry. Always wanted to, always told no because of the kids even though I would hardly had let them have access I 'saw the sense and caved in'. Once I have my own place, if I want to be as nutty as a squirrels winter stash and tool up for the zombie apocalypse (ooh, so I get to embrace being a geek too), I can.

Might sound trivial compared to the deeper stuff but its huge. Beyond keeping my actual responsibilities I can do/say/be whatever I want and what she thinks of that or how she reacts to that can go whistle!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You can make decisions without needing anyones input or approval.
You can spend money on whatever you want whenever you want to.
Your life is yours again.
No more fighting, worrying, anger, conflicts, etc.
You actually get alone time/your time without the kids to spend however you want on a regular basis!
You get your self esteem and self respect back.
You're stronger, more self reliant and self assured.
Plus ....everything on dolly and everyone elses list!

And the list goes on and on......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

rsersen said:


> I would echo what everyone else has said. I'm excited to be able to live for myself going forward. If I don't want to do something, I don't have to. If I do want to do something, I can do it, without needing to check in or run it by anyone. I can watch what I want, eat what I want.
> 
> I also have a lot more money (unfortunately I know it often works the other way around for those left behind). It doesn't buy happiness, but it's nice to have. I've lost her income, but I've also lost her car note, insurance, phone, student loan, hair appointments ($125 a month!), makeup/hair product/etc, the bi-weekly clothing/shoes shopping sprees ($300-400 on any given Saturday), groceries (lots of organic and top shelf for her, so also expensive). Even while paying the attorneys/PIs for the divorce, I still have more money than I know what to spend on. Thinking of an overseas trip later this year. Meanwhile she's adjusting to her new life of being barely over the poverty line. Maybe her boyfriend can satisfy her expensive tastes.
> 
> Honestly, at this point I'd say the only two things I miss are a) the woman my wife used to be, and b) the companionship of having someone to share your life with. The first is just a mourning process - my wife as I knew her was dead, grieve and move on. The second is only temporary.


I just had to go back to this for a moment and say, this is exactly what my wife was turning into when she left me!

Thinking back on all the male bashing training shows she watched like Bridezillas and the Kardashians, along with her endless need to be on facebook and whine about EVERYTHING. I'm just glad she's loser boys problem now and I don't have to pay her bills. 

It feels so much better knowing I'm not alone here. The woman I loved was nothing like the organic hipster psycho I divorced.:rofl:


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