# Letter to my wife...



## desperate_husband (Jul 3, 2016)

I thought I would write you a letter about how I’m feeling, because I never manage to say what I need to and articulate myself clearly. I’m sorry I’m not a good husband, of all the things I’ve failed at, that is the one that makes me the most upset. I’m sorry I take you for granted, distracted by kids and work.

For me at least, I think sex is the only problem. I feel unloved because you don't want to have sex with me. You feel unloved because I just want to have sex with you. I am **** at dealing with sexual cravings that appear days (sometimes hours) after the “last time”. I allow my frustrations to show, and I am sorry that I have not listened to how you are feeling. So I wanted to write down how I’m feeling, in the hope that we can finally talk openly about how you are feeling, so we can work together on improving our sex life.

I feel that you don't find me attractive when you don't want me. That I’m undesirable. I feel that I can't talk to you about sex because you will be angry again and defensive again and withdraw again. That you don't talk to me about sex because you don't care. I feel that I am just getting older and uglier and am missing out on sexual experiences in my life. I feel completely frustrated and exasperated that the only person I want to be with, and the only person I am “allowed” to be with, doesn’t want to be with me. I feel so happy that the only person I will ever have sexual experiences with is you, because I know you are my soul-mate. I feel that I am a terrible person for desiring you, which causes me anxiety trying to deal with my sexual desires. I feel because I was a terrible person before, I can't talk to you now about my sexual desires. That it is wrong to hope you want to have sex with me, to be intimate with me, to have these desires. I feel anxious about sex and depressed that I make you unhappy. I feel helpless, ugly and that I have let you down.

I want nothing more than for things to get better… You deserve to have a better husband. You deserve to be happy. Please help me.

Some things I want to talk about. Scheduling sex may seem contrived – but it Is one way that may help navigate my sexual cravings and both our expectations. Communication – please just talk to me honestly about how you are feeling and let me talk to you without you feeling pressured, if I feel like a blow job, I want to be able to talk to you about that without my stomach turning and you to respond without feeling like you need to be defensive, “I’ll just do it then” is not going to help, we need to work together to find an answer, I’m not pressuring you, I just want to talk to you about my desires, and I desperately want to hear yours. Counselling – maybe we just need someone to help. Date nights – I miss being with you, and kids make it hard, but even just laying on the couch together sometimes would be lovely, this is my fault, I’m sorry I stopped being romantic.

I regret not showing you every day how much I love you. I’m sorry I take you for granted. I love you because of everything in that frame and more. I love you because you are beautiful, sexy and a turn on, even if you don’t believe it. I love you because you work so hard to look after our family, putting everyone else above yourself. I love you because you still haven’t run away, despite knowing me the most, even with all my flaws. I love you because my life is so much better with you in it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you given your wife that letter yet? I think you should hold off.

Before you give it to her, there are some books that I think would help you a lot. Then, after you read them, you might want to rewrite that letter taking into consideration what you have learned in the books. Read them in the order listed:

"Love Busters" by Dr. Harley
"His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley
"Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel

Even if you go with the letter right now, it needs editing. Here is some input on just a few things….


desperate_husband said:


> I thought I would write you a letter about how I’m feeling, because I never manage to say what I need to and articulate myself clearly. I’m sorry I’m not a good husband, of all the things I’ve failed at, that is the one that makes me the most upset.


Are you really not a good husband? Or are you just a guy, like everyone else, trying to figure out how to make your marriage work? My bet is that you are not a bad husband, you and your wife are just struggling.. which is pretty common. Especially since you also have children.

The above sounds all whiny, like you are a real f’up in a lot of things in your life. Being whiny is not attractive. Your wife wants to be married to a strong man.

“I’m writing this letter because I want to make sure that I articulate myself clearly. I love you and want our marriage to be a strong and a loving relationship for both of us. You are the love of my life and mean everything to me. I am hoping that you will work with me so that together we can fix some issues that have been causing problems between us.



desperate_husband said:


> I’m sorry I take you for granted, distracted by kids and work .
> 
> For me at least, I think sex is the only problem. .


First you say that you take your wife for granted and are distracted by kids and work. Then you follow that up by saying that you think that sex is the ONLY problem? REALLY? Come on man… you take your wife for granted and are distracted. Those are huge problems that could clearly lead to your wife not wanting as much sex with you as you want with her.

The reason that I did not comment on the rest of the letter, is that the entire rest of the letter is all about you and sex. My bet is that she will go through the roof since no where do you address things like what you will do not no longer take her for granted, no longer be distracted. And not once do you ask her what she sees as the problems with the marriage.

The books I suggested will help you figure what, besides sex, is causing the problems in your marriage. After you read them, and you do the work that they say to do, you need to ask your wife if she would read them with you and do the work the books say to do… both of you together.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

There's a lot of things you can do to turn a so-called LD wife on to desiring you more. Your letter, with a compilation of complaining and begging ain't one of them. You need to read the books Dawg. You don't have a clue about what women want.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> You should print this out and show it to your wife. You are very articulate in writing.


If writing skills could convince an LD to more sex..... use legal size paper and a shark lawyer letterhead.

If they ignore you in person the letter is easier to ignore.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If her complaint is that you are not listening, how will more talking solve that?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

desperate_husband said:


> For me at least, I think sex is the only problem. I feel unloved because you don't want to have sex with me.


The very LAST thing you want to do to improve intimacy is to be sexually needy in a way that makes you frustrated or resentful to your wife. 

Odds are she will have sex with you more often than you think, but perhaps you turn it down because you recognize it as duty sex and feel like if she is not into it then it makes you feel unloved, then you reject her offer. Then as things grow more problematic you argue over the fact that she will not have sex. THEN there are probably moments she was in the mood, but you never picked up on it because perhaps you were busy that day.

*In my opinion you need to go to your wife and admit you love her but that sometimes you have troubling feeling loved by her. Admit you "use" sex as your preferred way to try and TEST how much she loves you and that you want her help to stop doing that! *

If you take that advice and seriously sit down and LISTEN to her when you say that, you might saves yourself years of heart ache. She might even tell you that she does not feel that she loves you anymore and you need to be man enough to be OK with that. Tell her anything more than sex that you want her to feel loved. 

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


----------



## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

desperate_husband said:


> So I wanted to write down how I’m feeling, in the hope that we can finally talk openly about how you are feeling, so we can work together on improving our sex life.


So I have similar problems myself, and based on my limited success, here is where I think you leave the rails. You state that you are interested in talking about her feelings for the purpose of improving your sex life. 

If I were to hear this, I would interpret that statement to mean that you don't actually give a sh*t about my feelings other than how it impacts how often you get off. Not a good way to go about things, IMO.

I also recommend the books listed above BTW. I finally convinced my wife to read His Needs, Her Needs with me, and while it is pretty old fashioned in many ways, I think some of the points are starting to ge through, to both of us.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Evidently he articulates himself better in writing than in person.


I see what you mean IM. What woman's heart wouldn't melt with his romantic words, 

_"if I feel like a blow job, I want to be able to talk to you about that without my stomach turning and you to respond without feeling like you need to be defensive."_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you given your wife that letter yet? I think you should hold off.
> 
> Before you give it to her, there are some books that I think would help you a lot. Then, after you read them, you might want to rewrite that letter taking into consideration what you have learned in the books. Read them in the order listed:
> 
> ...


I agree. He has one or two sentences about not being a good, attentive husband and then spends the rest of the letter basically whining about sex.

That is not going to convince her that she's much more to him than sex. It also sends the message that the only issue is about him getting sex when he wants it so he can feel loved, but addresses nothing about her feeling loved and what she needs.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> He has one or two sentences about not being a good, attentive husband and then spends the rest of the letter basically whining about sex.


But at least he is trying to "own it!" Almost all husbands are this way but simply never verbalize it in any way.

:grin2:

...I know, I know, I know, .... you ladies like it SO MUCH BETTER when we bottle all that stuff up and are instead "mysteriously handsome" in which we throw bizarre temper tantrums that are really about being frustrated in our marriages:


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> But at least he is trying to "own it!" Almost all husbands are this way but simply never verbalize it in any way.
> 
> :grin2:
> 
> ...I know, I know, I know, .... you ladies like it SO MUCH BETTER when we bottle all that stuff up and are instead "mysteriously handsome" in which we throw bizarre temper tantrums that are really about being frustrated in our marriages:


Nope, no need to bottle things up. BUT, the message should be a balance of both of your needs for the purpose of strengthening the marriage, particularly if you know you haven't been contributing to it's health like you should. 

Good example: I realize I've not been there for you and as a result you don't desire sex with me. Sex is an important need of mine, and I also understand you have needs, so let's discuss how I'm going to tend to yours and also how you're going to tend to mine. 

Bad example: I know I haven't been there for you, but I really really really need you to suck my d!ck when I request it or I won't feel loved. Whether you feel loved is not really as high of a priority, in fact my acknowledging I haven't been a great hb should be enough for you to feel loved and to give me bj's just hours after you last has sex with me. 

Good example is an attempt to strengthen the marriage, which will include sex 

Bad example is all about me me me and how I need more sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

They've got moderators on this site for folks that can't keep things bottled up. (like me occasionally) I guess now I shownuff should realize I done found and married the right girl (20 odd years ago.) I don't have to go around "communicating" to her what I need. She's a freakin mind reader. She even make me feel good by telling me I know how to "deal with" women. I know she fibbing. Well maybe a little.

But with old DH, he needs to follow the advice Elegirl gave him; do some reading (ans less writing).


----------

