# Becoming a Better Husband



## CoolBreeze10 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hello everyone,
I've been married for 6 years now and last night had an argument with my wife where she was 100% right for being angry with me. When we first met, she was all I could think about and I treated her as if she was the best thing to ever happen to me. We constantly talked, hugged, kissed and went out and had fun. After 2 or 3 years, I slowly started becoming less compassionate with her. She has expressed this a few times before. We don't go out, we don't have as many conversations, and we don't play and have fun like we used to. A lot of it is my fault. I work full time, go to school part time, and once a month drill in the reserves. Then we have to make time for our kids, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. At the end of the day, I'm tired and just want to sit on the couch and be a slouch. I really want to get back to becoming the old person I once was but I find it so hard to do. Sometimes I'm not sure if I know how to be that old person. My wife deserves the old me, as it was how she met me. When I do go out, it's to the race track as I really enjoy working on my car and driving it on the track, but she is not interested. She likes going out dancing, but I'm not into clubs. I used to enjoy going out, but now, if it doesn't involve cars, I'd rather stay home.


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## jessicx (Sep 5, 2011)

The fact that you made the decision to be a better person for her is commendable. If you don't mind my asking, is she a stay at home mom? If so, she may have a hard time relating to your feelings. as you spend so much time away from home, while she's stuck indoors. You mentioned that you "used to enjoy going out". It makes sense that you would be less able to enjoy going out because you already spend so much of your time outside of the home. At the end of the day, you simply want to relax... and there is nothing wrong with that. But, she may not understand your dynamic because she's not within it. She wants to get out, you want to stay in. It's normal for a couple to want to get back what they had before they were burdened by jobs and children. Neither one of you are wrong for that! It may just be that she is having a harder time adjusting to a life with so many responsibilities. If this is the case... plan a day for her, child free. Be spontaneous. Find something you both enjoy. Force yourself beyond your comfort zone. Make it a day where no decisions have to be made and no responsiblities have to be met. Do this for both her and yourself. Good Luck... be strong.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> When I do go out, it's to the race track as I really enjoy working on my car and driving it on the track, but she is not interested. She likes going out dancing, but I'm not into clubs.


I'm in sort of the same boat. I enjoy messing with my car, motorcycles and boating (I don't have a boat or a bike).

She's not interested in that at all. She wants to lie on the beach, shop, go to movies, and dance.

I gave in some and have been to the beach, I go shopping with her, go to the movies and we often dance in our home(I am NOT going to dance clubs full of kids.)I will usually do her thing at least once a week.

She gave in to nothing on my desires.
A few weeks ago I decided that enough was enough. I told her that I felt like I gave in to her wants and get nothing extracurricular in return. I told her that my passions outside of her were 1) cars and racing, 2) boating, and 3) motorcycle riding. It hurts that she can not force herself to get involved with one of my hobbies.
I left it at that for the time.
I have been looking at bikes and will get one soon. She can ride or not, it's up to her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CoolBreeze10 said:


> Hello everyone,
> I've been married for 6 years now and last night had an argument with my wife where she was 100% right for being angry with me. When we first met, she was all I could think about and I treated her as if she was the best thing to ever happen to me.


Relationships are bound to change. You might still feel she is the best thing to ever happen to you but instead of showing her daily/regularly perhaps life has somewhat taken over and your focus has changed.



CoolBreeze10 said:


> We constantly talked, hugged, kissed and went out and had fun. After 2 or 3 years, I slowly started becoming less compassionate with her. She has expressed this a few times before. We don't go out, we don't have as many conversations, and we don't play and have fun like we used to. A lot of it is my fault. I work full time, go to school part time, and once a month drill in the reserves. Then we have to make time for our kids, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. At the end of the day, I'm tired and just want to sit on the couch and be a slouch. I really want to get back to becoming the old person I once was but I find it so hard to do. Sometimes I'm not sure if I know how to be that old person. My wife deserves the old me, as it was how she met me.


Okay so you have a busy lifestyle and maybe you're still figuring out how to balance your own need for time-out (relaxation), with working full time, studying, reserves, and being a father and a loving husband. You can't be the old version of yourself that you were 6 years ago. It would be strange if you were. Your needs might have changed, just as hers might have also. Work out what is most important for you both now.

Hugging, kissing, and conversation is something that certainly needs to remain and I think as you're willing to "become a better husband" this should be fairly easy to bring back. Other romantic gestures that signal to her that she's important to you, do not have to be grand gestures, simple things like a loving note left for her (depending on what's important to her), doesn't need to take a lot of energy from you - yet these little things can mean so very much. Maybe arrange a fun outing for the family, or get a baby sitter so you can take her out for a Saturday night date! It will be a conscious effort to THINK about her again but with the right focus, you can get this back. 




CoolBreeze10 said:


> When I do go out, it's to the race track as I really enjoy working on my car and driving it on the track, but she is not interested. She likes going out dancing, but I'm not into clubs. I used to enjoy going out, but now, if it doesn't involve cars, I'd rather stay home.


Maybe you can compromise here. One weekend take her dancing (or living room dancing, I'm all with DanF's line of thinking there), and the next weekend she goes to the track with you? Maybe you could find an activity that's for the two of you, or for the family, to ALL enjoy together. Schedule when you're going to the track and let her know you need that time-out just for you. I don't mean spend every weekend down there but perhaps you could agree on this as a family? 

As far as making things feel like they were in the beginning, my H and I are the romantic types so I'm all for creating that little bit of magic that shows how much we care for each other in a romantic way and keeps those butterflies fluttering in the tummy ......BUT this should not all be down to you. You know she needs that attention from you and it's great you're wanting to make changes. Pay attention to her. That's what she really wants by the sounds of it. Best wishes.


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## LucyLate (Aug 2, 2011)

You're a great husband just for caring about her so much. Don't be hard on yourself.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages book? It will help you both to love each other as best you can and to compromise on doing your own things but still making time for each other 

Life & Love, so far


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CoolBreeze10 said:


> Hello everyone,
> I've been married for 6 years now and last night had an argument with my wife where she was 100% right for being angry with me. When we first met, she was all I could think about and I treated her as if she was the best thing to ever happen to me. We constantly talked, hugged, kissed and went out and had fun. After 2 or 3 years, I slowly started becoming less compassionate with her. She has expressed this a few times before. We don't go out, we don't have as many conversations, and we don't play and have fun like we used to. A lot of it is my fault. I work full time, go to school part time, and once a month drill in the reserves. Then we have to make time for our kids, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. At the end of the day, I'm tired and just want to sit on the couch and be a slouch. I really want to get back to becoming the old person I once was but I find it so hard to do. Sometimes I'm not sure if I know how to be that old person. My wife deserves the old me, as it was how she met me. When I do go out, it's to the race track as I really enjoy working on my car and driving it on the track, but she is not interested. She likes going out dancing, but I'm not into clubs. I used to enjoy going out, but now, if it doesn't involve cars, I'd rather stay home.


You might want to try His Needs Her Needs together so you are focusing on each others most important needs. It is very important you are meeting your wife's top needs and her yours.

The following is something to try to keep your head in the the game:

Married Man Sex Life

I can tell you that way back when, I was working fulltime+ and going to school. I needed to do this for my career, but in hindsight I think there may have been more damage than good coming out of it. Hard to say. 

Folks tend to put their kids above all else and leave nothing for themselves. Again in hindsight I would say that my wife and I did that and this was a big mistake. You have to put each other first and then the kids. I am not saying neglect the kids, but parents tend to over do it. Notice how many marriages break up after they have a couple of kids. Lotsa reasons for that. So if you do not take care of your relationship someone else can end up raising your kids. Besides it is healthy for your children to see that thier parents are passionate for one another. It increases their odds of having a happy marriage as they will have a good example.

Make sure your time with your spouse comes before any hobbys especially while you are double downing with the work and the school. Sure hobbys are important but your wife shoudl rate higher. Finding that balance is pretty much impossible. You have to set your priorities. Make sure you have date night. I suggest once a week and this should be done faithfully. You need to make sure your time is scheduled for your spouse. You flat better show your wife attention. If you neglect your wife you will have a very rough life.

Please tell me she is not going out dancing without you. If she likes to dance and she is going out without you, I suggest you bite the bullet and do this for your wife instead of putting her in the hands of other men who just want to bed her. I am not talking about trust. I am talking about leaving your wife vulnerable to another man by not meeting her needs. I suggest you make a deal with her. You take her out dancing and she goes to the track with you. IF you both do this for one another you are probably in good shape. If not ... you are taking a big risk IMHO. This way you guys can still have your hobbys AND be spending time together. Some folks believe that you need 15+ hours of quality time with your spouse a week.

The best way to handle crisis and issues is to avoid having them to begin with.

Does she worK?


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## CoolBreeze10 (Nov 23, 2010)

Thank you everyone for the great support and encouraging words. The past 2 days I've gotten back to the way I used to be, showing more compassion and talking. Unfortunately, I just know that I will go back to the tired, non-talkative person she hates because I'm so tired. I think I'm going to take a break from school once I finish my current classes, just to free up more time to relax and be with my family.

Jessicx, my wife was a stay at home mom for 4 years. Now she works part-time. 

LucyLate, I will check out that 5 Love Languages book. That is something we can both take time out and read together.

Entropy3000, I am trying to make sure I put her before my hobby. I wait until she is sleep or at work to work on my car.


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## OKCFunCouple (Sep 5, 2011)

I am going to be blunt because dancing around this is silly.

You know you love your wife, right? 

You want to please your wife, right?

Where is the issue? you work full time? (most of us do), you have kids? (most of us do), you are gone one weekend a month (lame excuse).

Look, your wife should ALWAYS be #1 in your life. I don't care if you are tired, if your wife wants to go dancing, take her and have fun. To be honest you sound selfish and don't care about her needs. 

Look there are two types of people in this world

Because of people and In spite of people.

You are a because of person... Because you are tired you won't spend time with your wife and please her. When you should be an In spite of person which is... in spite of me having a long work week I am going to get out and have some fun with my wife because she wants to.

Please your wife or someone else will, it's very simple.

I am not trying to be a jerk but geeezzzzz this is very simple.

Heck where do you live, tell your wife she can come dance with me and my wife anytime.

My wife and I own our own business and work 70+ hours per week and still kick it on the weekend. We are in our 40's and have been married for 22 years.. We have spark, we enjoy sex every day and love life to the fullest. We are In spite of people!!!!!

Get home and make your wife happy today and stop making excuses.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

I am exactly the same way. I love cars, bikes, jets, anything that moves fast. I was involved in pro car racing since I was a kid. I owned two pro- built GT Porsche's but I sold it because I decided to spend time with my wife is more important.
As far as not having energy start to exercise, go to the gym. I am sure that not having energy is due to poor diet, and not being able to exercise. I work full time, and go to school part time (work related) and I get up everyday at 4 am. I exercise from 4-6 am then I come home make breakfast and take my son to school. My day on average lasts 16 hours. Yes I am tired at the end of the day but if my wife wants to go to the club I will go, because she does everything for me I ask her to do.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

DanF said:


> I'm in sort of the same boat. I enjoy messing with my car, motorcycles and boating (I don't have a boat or a bike).
> 
> She's not interested in that at all. She wants to lie on the beach, shop, go to movies, and dance.
> 
> ...


And I wish mine would invite me. He has a motorcycle and he takes off all alone all day on it. Oh, he will pretend it can't be helped by saying something like... well H (our 10 year old daughter) has skating practice today. But of course HE chooses to go out riding on Saturday when it could just as easily be Sunday when H doesn't have skating practice and he could invite me. Then after doing this kind of thing over and over, he wonders why I not falling all over him when he returns to have sex.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

OKCFunCouple said:


> Look, your wife should ALWAYS be #1 in your life. I don't care if you are tired, if your wife wants to go dancing, take her and have fun. To be honest you sound selfish and don't care about her needs.
> 
> .


I agree with this... I have done many things for/with my husband just because he likes it-- gone to drag races, gone fishing, taken vacations on up north lake instead of the beach because he likes it. But over the years, I realized it is usually a one way street... if I ask him to do something not appealing to him, he either won't go or whines and complains the whole time. He won't dance with me at a wedding, he doesn't like any of my friends, he won't even go with me and the girls to events where they are people we have met first.


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## OKCFunCouple (Sep 5, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I agree with this... I have done many things for/with my husband just because he likes it-- gone to drag races, gone fishing, taken vacations on up north lake instead of the beach because he likes it. But over the years, I realized it is usually a one way street... if I ask him to do something not appealing to him, he either won't go or whines and complains the whole time. He won't dance with me at a wedding, he doesn't like any of my friends, he won't even go with me and the girls to events where they are people we have met first.


That is what marriage is about. My wife love shoes... not Hey look I have 10 pairs.. it's more like OMG is 300 not enough LOL. I go shoe shopping with her becasue I want to spend time with her not that I want to sit and watch her try on 20 pairs in each store (well actually I do enjoy it she has great legs hee). It is no different than her going to do things I enjoy like.

Marriage is give and take, the more you give the more you should get in return and be able to take. 

One thing I always suggest to people is NEVER KEEP SCORE. If you go to two drag races don't tell him he has to go to two of your outings but if your husband/wife has any sense they will see that you are giving more and they will in turn give more back.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

OKCFunCouple said:


> That is what marriage is about. My wife love shoes... not Hey look I have 10 pairs.. it's more like OMG is 300 not enough LOL. I go shoe shopping with her becasue I want to spend time with her not that I want to sit and watch her try on 20 pairs in each store (well actually I do enjoy it she has great legs hee). It is no different than her going to do things I enjoy like.
> 
> Marriage is give and take, the more you give the more you should get in return and be able to take.
> 
> One thing I always suggest to people is NEVER KEEP SCORE. If you go to two drag races don't tell him he has to go to two of your outings but if your husband/wife has any sense they will see that you are giving more and they will in turn give more back.


:iagree::iagree:

It took me many years to fully realize this. I finally made my wife and our marriage my #1 priority. Everything else is secondary. You know what? I am a happier person for this and for sure my wife is.


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## OKCFunCouple (Sep 5, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> It took me many years to fully realize this. I finally made my wife and our marriage my #1 priority. Everything else is secondary. You know what? I am a happier person for this and for sure my wife is.


:yay: :yay::yay: :yay:


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

OKCFunCouple said:


> That is what marriage is about. My wife love shoes... not Hey look I have 10 pairs.. it's more like OMG is 300 not enough LOL. I go shoe shopping with her becasue I want to spend time with her not that I want to sit and watch her try on 20 pairs in each store (well actually I do enjoy it she has great legs hee). It is no different than her going to do things I enjoy like.
> 
> Marriage is give and take, the more you give the more you should get in return and be able to take.
> 
> One thing I always suggest to people is NEVER KEEP SCORE. If you go to two drag races don't tell him he has to go to two of your outings but if your husband/wife has any sense they will see that you are giving more and they will in turn give more back.


I don't have to keep score.. he is just plain completely unwilling to do anything that he doesn't want to do... he won't even stay in the same room and watch a TV show is HE doesn't like it.. he will leave and watch what he wants somewhere else. It has been a one way street for a long time and somehow I just managed to be ok with it, but over the past few years, not so much.


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## mama4jesus (Sep 13, 2010)

Cool, you said you're in the reserves. Did you do any tours in Iraq or Afghanistan? Could you possibly have PTSD? You sound so much like my husband after he came home from Desert Storm 20 years ago. All this time we didn't know it, but he has PTSD. Maybe do a little reading about it, because it's not just hypervigilance. It's a lot about personality changes and behavior changes and no interest in the things you used to like, etc.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> And I wish mine would invite me. He has a motorcycle and he takes off all alone all day on it. Oh, he will pretend it can't be helped by saying something like... well H (our 10 year old daughter) has skating practice today. But of course HE chooses to go out riding on Saturday when it could just as easily be Sunday when H doesn't have skating practice and he could invite me. Then after doing this kind of thing over and over, he wonders why I not falling all over him when he returns to have sex.


Then when I get a bike and she doesn't want to go, I'll call you!(JK):smthumbup:


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