# How to take the plunge?



## SSandy

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. He is 39 and I am 28.. I am beginning to question whether I want to get a divorce. I am feeling extremely unhappy in our relationship, but I fear his reaction and the backlash from our families.

I know my husband loves me, but we have absolutely no chemistry, no spark. My husband (being older and a workaholic) is at the point where he likes routine. He comes home from work (installs and services heating and air conditioning) which is a physical job, he wants to eat dinner, watch tv, and relax. Within an hour or two of being home, he will take a shower and then start to nap.

We have no conversation.. He does this on the daily. I've begged him to get into getting healthy with me, but he claims he is so exhausted because his job is so difficult. He has zero energy. I've suggested a change in career, but he does not want to.. 

I've asked him to come home and play cards... He is more interested in browsing his iPad. We don't share anything in common and I am feeling so bored and ignored.

Our marriage has been sexless since the first year we were married. My husband is a juvenile diabetic and has always dealt with erectile dysfunction. (I never complained before) but to be honest, it does bother me. I want attention, affection, and of course some pleasure. We have not had any type of sexual contact (kissing, touching, oral) in over a year and a half.

I have also expressed wanting more of that... He says "I will work on getting my blood sugar in control so we can get more intimate" but yet he makes no effort toward getting healthy, being active with me, or changing anything!

I don't know how to tell my husband how unhappy I truly am. I never want to hurt him and I believe he truly deeply loves me, but I also feel like I'm still 28 and maybe he's ready for a more laid back life than I am.

How do I bring up the divorce topic?

I know my husband is under a lot of stress. His brother passed away last year due to cancer at only 40 years old. That isn't easy for anyone to experience and I know he is still grieving... His mother was just diagnosed with lymphoma and is undergoing chemo...

Is it bad timing for me to have this conversation? Is it insensitive to want to tend to my own wants and needs?

I don't want our families to bash me for my decision, but I've never felt so sure in my heart. I feel as though we make better friends than a married couple. I don't feel like we have any goals in common, no music or movies, no hobbies or activities.. It's exhausting to pretend I'm happy when I'm sooooo completely not.

I can't hurt him, but at the same time I am really hurting inside. I want to live my 28 year old life. I want to go out dancing, have some drinks, be young (NOTHING he'd ever do) I want to take trips, go bike riding, hiking, and enjoy my life. 

Can somebody help me figure out how to break the ice? Or just offer your opinions and advice. I need someone to talk to.. What should I do?


----------



## 225985

So you started dating at 23 and he was 34? The age gap is much more apparent then. What attracted you to him? Was there a spark then that was lost? 

He is 40. Start of middle age. Start of mid life crisis time. He had death of close family member. And the diabetes. It is natural he will feel tired. And normal. What is his weight?

It will be hard for him to keep up with a 28 yo. You are too young to give up on sex. 

Has he had a complete physical lately? Has his testosterone level been checked? 

All the other items you listed indicate that you and her are not compatible.


----------



## SSandy

Thanks for some dialogue! So, We met 7 years ago. I was 21 and he was 32 - There wasn't much of a spark when we met, but he definitely was a lot more active and fun... We got married 4 years ago - things have drastically changed. 

when we met, he would take me out all the time, road trips and dinner dates. He would go to movies and random things that most couples do. I had a lot of fun with him. He has a great sense of humor, always had me laughing.

Over the years, things have slowly changed. He has gotten older, heavier. (He weighs 294 and his A1C is 9.6) He has never had great control over his diabetes, he suffers with horrible neuropathy in his hands and feet. His erectile dysfunction began when he was about 18 or so.. Way before me.

I do feel too young to never have any pleasure in my life. I've dealt with it because I figured sex isn't the most important part of our relationship and as much as I am yearning for it, I just figure it's something he cannot give me.

He no longer has anything to talk about.. He will complain about work and that's it. He doesn't ask how I'm feeling, he doesn't ask much about my day, and NEVER suggests anything we can do together. 

Over the last two years I lost 130lbs and have gotten myself In great shape. I was hoping it would inspire him to do the same, but it has only caused us to drift further apart. He doesn't enjoy anything that I do..

Every weekend I take off with whatever friend I can find just to get out of the house a little.. I see movies with our nieces because now he falls asleep before the previews even end. 

We don't go out to dinner because again, once he's full, he passes right out. (I'm sure diabete related) but nonetheless, it sucks!

I really don't know how to initiate a conversation about it. I know he would be absolutely shocked and devastated, but I am so unhappy.


----------



## SSandy

Another thing that is making this so difficult for me is the love between our families... My parents absolutely adore him, and his absolutely adore me. 

We visit his parents every Sunday and my husband eats dinner and then instantly lays down to nap.. I spend a lot of time talking to his parents, but never express any unhappiness with him.

I am always texting with his mom, checking on how she's doing... Since my brother-in-law passed away, it has brought all of us very close. I would hate for them to feel as though I am hurting them too if I leave my husband.

I can't imagine how my husband would handle it.. We've discussed the sexless issue, but never find a resolution. He tried viagra and levitra, neither of them made any difference.

I feel as though he is not interested in sex. Maybe it's mental? He's completely against any type of therapy... He tells me therapists aren't there for solutions, they're there to make money and want people to keep coming back. That's equally frustrating!

We've discussed the fact that I want him to do more, like exercising with me or biking, etc. and his excuse is always how hard he works. He says I don't understand just how physically exhausting his job is.. Never a solution or compromise..

I usually just suck it up, watch him sleep and try to find friends to occupy what I'm missing in my marriage. (Minus sex lol)

I bought myself some sex toys, asked him to maybe use them on me? I've asked him to make out, but he is grossed out by the germs? (Can you believe we've been together for 7 years and never made out) I am just feeling stuck.

I can't handle the disappointment of him or others, but also feel so helpless in my situation.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Congrats on your weight loss. Your concerns about his health are very valid, he is not taking proper care of himself. I had a diabetic stepson who was the same way about his health, and he is now almost completely blind because of it. I know you don't want to hurt him but you need to have that come to Jesus conversation with him, that you are on the brink of walking out unless there are real changes made. If he doesn't want to take care of himself for HIM, then maybe he will motivated to do it to keep YOU.


----------



## Hope1964

You need to tell him all of the stuff you just told us. Give him a time frame - say, in 6 months you need to see this and this has happened or you WILL file for D. Perhaps he will change, perhaps not. If he doesn't, and since you are not willing to continue this way, be prepared to file.


----------



## SSandy

Ugh, you're right. I took the plunge and laid it all out there. He said it was a wake up call for sure and claims he will definitely take better care of himself. (Hate to say it, but I've heard this before.. Although I never threatened to leave so maybe that'll fuel his fire.)

Thank you for taking the time to read through my thread and offering your advice. I truly appreciate it. I am going to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best, but sadly I'm not feeling greatly optimistic.

I had this talk with him on Thursday, we're approaching Sunday and this whole weekend he hasn't suggested something for us to go out and do as a couple to spend some time together. I invited him out for a car ride, just to go sight seeing and not only did he nap for most of it, but while he was awake he did not speak. He played on his cell phone. Ugh..

I guess one step at a time and a whole lot of patience from me... Let's see how he does with at least taking care of himself and his diabetes.


----------



## Satya

SSandy said:


> Ugh, you're right. I took the plunge and laid it all out there. He said it was a wake up call for sure and claims he will definitely take better care of himself. (Hate to say it, but I've heard this before.. Although I never threatened to leave so maybe that'll fuel his fire.)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read through my thread and offering your advice. I truly appreciate it. I am going to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best, but sadly I'm not feeling greatly optimistic.
> 
> I had this talk with him on Thursday, we're approaching Sunday and this whole weekend he hasn't suggested something for us to go out and do as a couple to spend some time together. I invited him out for a car ride, just to go sight seeing and not only did he nap for most of it, but while he was awake he did not speak. He played on his cell phone. Ugh..
> 
> I guess one step at a time and a whole lot of patience from me... Let's see how he does with at least taking care of himself and his diabetes.


Watch his ACTIONS. You told him your piece, now just live your life and watch until that trial period Hope mentioned is over. Then you do what you need to do if his actions aren't matching his words. 

This is exactly what I had to do with a man I was in a relationship with for about 8 months. Same issue. I believe he was happy as he was, which is fine, but it wasn't going to work for me. Honestly he was a great guy but I think he actually felt relieved when I dumped him. He needed a much more chill woman that didn't care about his health or how little he initiated sex with her. Unfortunately, I am a very direct, blunt woman who loves with the intensity of a sun when she bonds with a man.


----------



## BioFury

SSandy said:


> Ugh, you're right. I took the plunge and laid it all out there. He said it was a wake up call for sure and claims he will definitely take better care of himself. (Hate to say it, but I've heard this before.. Although I never threatened to leave so maybe that'll fuel his fire.)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read through my thread and offering your advice. I truly appreciate it. I am going to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best, but sadly I'm not feeling greatly optimistic.
> 
> I had this talk with him on Thursday, we're approaching Sunday and this whole weekend he hasn't suggested something for us to go out and do as a couple to spend some time together. I invited him out for a car ride, just to go sight seeing and not only did he nap for most of it, but while he was awake he did not speak. He played on his cell phone. Ugh..
> 
> I guess one step at a time and a whole lot of patience from me... Let's see how he does with at least taking care of himself and his diabetes.


If a month or two goes by and you haven't seen him implement changes, then pack your bags and stay with a friend or with family for a while. See if he reaches out.

What he should be doing, is sitting you down and asking you about your needs. Asking you what you need from him and this marriage that you're not currently getting. And then making a darn good effort to meet those expectations. You might even tell him that that is what you expect of him.

As far as him taking better care of himself, stop buying anything at the store you don't want him eating. Start preparing a lunch for him to take to work. See if he can get a different position in the AC company he works for. Whether he can start doing job estimates, or something less physically demanding.

Also, his ED could be caused by him being overweight. He needs to slim down.

Bottom line is, he's let himself go, and your marriage has suffered for it. He needs to recreate himself, and start caring again, if he wants your marriage to continue. And he needs to understand that.


----------



## JohnA

You need to set standards and hold him to them. How much do you know about diabetes? If you are prearing dinner gad breakfast what menus are you using. Weight Watchers hasva lot of great menus that are great for diabetes. I am type one but it was adult onset that start in my late thirties. 

You cannot buff. If it come down tl it perhaps ask to move in with your in-laws or your own parents.


----------



## CMD1978

If your families are that close perhaps enlist their help in talking to him?

Your husband is not just making you unhappy - he is putting his very life in danger. I have a close friend whose H died of complications of diabetes. He was only 40 years old. He too refused to do anything to improve his own health. At the time of his death he was over 400 pounds and his glucose levels were consistently over 300.

Also, I highly recommend reading the book Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes and try to get your husband to read it as well. It is NOT a diet book but my parents have both lost significant weight by implementing some of his ideas. My dad is a type 2 diabetic in his 70s and he dropped from 250 to 180 in just 6 months using the plan in this book. He doesn't even need insulin anymore.


----------



## SSandy

Thank you all.. I agree, I will definitely watch his actions.

As far as his diet goes, I only buy healthy items for home.. Lean meats, fruits, and vegetables. I have completely cut out all processed foods, sugar, and carbs from my lifestyle so there should be absolutely no excuse for him to have such high blood sugars or be gaining so much weight. I do make his lunch as well, however, when he's on the road he is stopping at whatever gas station or convenience store he pleases... That is out of my control.

I managed to lose 130lbs, I think I got the eating and exercising part down pretty well. He lies to me and always says "I have no idea how my blood got so high, all I ate was what you packed me" but I wasn't born yesterday. We share a bank account and I can see when he spent $25 at a sub shop or has stopped at 3 gas stations in a day. (I'm sure not buying anything healthy considering his results.)

Right now we currently live in my dad's house.. In his first floor apartment. I haven't reached out to any of them about his health because they too, like me, do lecture him. His mother is constantly saying "You need to bring that belly down, I'm getting nervous" or "Did you take your blood today? How was it?" and he continues his story that I'm feeding him and he has no clue why it isn't working.

I have went into his work truck numerous times, only because he asked me to run out and grab his blood machine or a random favor.. The whole front of the truck has candy wrappers, pizza boxes, McDonalds cups... I've confronted him, but he says it's his co-worker, every time. Ugh, clearly it isn't... It's frustrating. He's going to have to want to get himself better and I pray that he does. 

As far as his position at work, he owns the company. He can't really take a back seat from what he does (or he won't)... He doesn't want to take on more guys or schedule more work because his responsibilities to over-see them becomes too much stress. He enjoys (as much as he says it's a problem) his job. We've talked about it so many times being the problem in our marriage, but he isn't willing to change that. 

Eventually I will begin to fill our family in on what is going on. Maybe they will offer me some support and encourage him to really turn himself around. It's hard for me to do because I do feel like his parents are extremely defensive if I am ever critiquing what he ate or if I comment on how he got such high blood readings. They're always saying "Oh he works so hard, he needs to endulge once in a while" or "give him a break, he works so hard." They only do that when I express concerns, otherwise, they harp too for him to get healthy. Strange situation..

I am still feeling so unhappy and that his effort isn't truly sincere. I can't really stay anywhere else for a few days... His parents have a studio apartment (or feels like one being so small) My mother lives in Florida and my dad is upstairs, but that isn't far enough lol. I would never normally stay with one of our siblings so that would be too uncomfortable for me to reach out to them.

I hope I have enough patience to let him go on like this for two months, but I'm feeling doomed. I'm dreading the filing and actually divorcing part. Won't packing our things be so uncomfortable? And where will he go? I think about that a lot.. If I have no family or friends to stay with to get away, I can't imagine he would find somewhere comfortable either. We're not in the financial position for him to get his own apartment. Am I jumping the gun with these thoughts? (lol) Ugh.. Thank you all! It's so nice to have someone to talk to at least.


----------



## BioFury

Take away his credit cards and cash, that will solve his stopping for food problem. If he needs parts, he can put them on his tab. I deal with AC parts warehouses all the time, and they can send him a bill, for him to pay by check. He doesn't need to have money on him for work.

Him working hard is totally irrelevant. I've been told about men like him during my life, and they are just as much a failure as a welfare junky. His choices and behavior are destroying his marriage, and his relationship with his wife. And he is just standing by and letting it happen. He swore to love you and care for you till he died, and he is not keeping his oath.

Whether he has enough money to get an apartment of his own is his problem. You've given him a choice: remain the selfish man you are, or remake yourself and become a better person. His actions will tell you what road he has chosen, and he will have to live with the pain of this choice either way.

The pain of discipline, or the pain of loss and regret. You just need to ask him, are you more valuable to him than the crud he eats, and kneeling by a frickin AC unit all day in the burning hot sun.


----------



## SSandy

Not that anyone wants a day by day update, but I am feeling extremely depressed. Normal?

It's almost like a nauseating sick sadness.. My husband has been asking each night if things seem better, all long weekend he's eaten great and checked his blood.. He's made an effort to participate in things I enjoy.. Why am I feeling so sad?

It's almost like I regret telling him how miserable I was because now all I am reminded of is how hard he is trying, but it doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel like our chemistry is there.. It feels forced and like he's asking for recognition that I just don't want to give. Am I being selfish? I wanted him to want these changes for himself which would in turn benefit our relationship. I didn't want him to each day check in to see if it's meeting my standards. I'm just feeling so sad. 

We sat down yesterday at this beautiful waterfall, took a scenic walk, and truly just enjoyed the outdoors and relaxed a bit. We didn't have conversation.. We got home and he said something about it. He said I seem like I am already done or like I have no hope, but I do. I just didn't have anything on my mind to talk about. Now I feel terrible..


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Him checking in with you like that indicates he isnt really making a sincere change. As soon as you would tell him everything is good, that he is doing a great job, he'd slide right back into his normal behaviour. You might want to tell him this, that he needs to stop asking you for validation and just work on what he needs to fix.


----------



## SSandy

I ended up saying it to him... I told him that by me expressing my feelings and opening up about all of the things I am unhappy with doesn't mean he has to make a check-list of things to improve over night. I wanted him to understand where I was coming from, I wanted him to recognize that his actions and poor choices were affecting both of us negatively (for years), and I wanted him to WANT to change them for himself which would in turn benefit the both of us.

He doesn't get it. I can tell his entire approach to "fixing things" is an attempt to please me (temporarily) and it is not a sincere effort. It's extremely frustrating and I am just feeling like he doesn't get it. I am totally unhappy... Even after being 100% honest with him. I mentioned the "D" word and as devastated as he seemed at first, he all of a sudden said "I want you to be happy and do whatever is going to make you happy. Maybe you got married too young? You need to fulfill your 20's and if it doesn't include a more laid back life and me, that's ok."

I was pretty speechless. Is he giving up? Is that him telling me that he doesn't want to get himself healthy and in a better place? Does he not plan to participate in more activities I enjoy? I never told him I would rather do all of these things alone, but I did say that I can't force him to get healthy and want to join in. It's all so confusing! He is such a great guy, but I am beginning to feel as though we're just incompatible.

I don't know where to go from here... We've stopped communicating. We sit in the room together in complete silence since last weekend. I feel like I have nothing left to say. I refuse to be phony and give him a bravo for the insincere effort he's been making, and I know he is waiting for me to comment his "changes" but I just can't. I do not think he is actually making any real life changes. I think he is doing what you said, making a temporary effort to see if I lighten up and back off, then he will fall right back into his ways.

What is the next step? Do I just give it some time? Or do I just wrap it up while it's still fresh on the mind and begin the separation?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Wow. Im sorry. It baffles me to think that he would prefer to live his life being lazy and neglectful of his own health than to make a serious effort to keep his wife.


----------



## Lostme

You are sad because he does not care enough about you, the marriage and his life to get better.

I would talk to him and give him 30 days or so to clean up his act, giving him a timeline will probably make him actually work at it. Instead of him doing things he thinks you want him to do, to stay in the marriage.


----------



## niceguy28

Do you all have kids?


----------



## SSandy

No, we have no children..

Lately I am fantasizing about life alone. I really deeply enjoy my own company. I love getting up at 5am and going for a run and just clearing my thoughts, taking in the sights and smells of the outdoors... I love coming home by 7am, once he's left for work, and beginning my day with my iced green tea and then taking a relaxing shower...

By the time I sign onto work (I work from home, not sure I mentioned that) I just feel so good inside and out. My day is almost always pleasant... Sometimes I will pack up my laptop and even work from some outdoorsy location when we have beautiful weather because I love it so much. We don't share that in common. He isn't a fan of being outside, he doesn't like the sunshine or hot weather, and he certainly isn't interested in walking/running. It saddens me. 

My husband has one hobby, bicycles. He does not ride them, but he collects them. (Sometimes buys and sells them.) It's strange. He will faithfully watch the Tour de France, browse Craigslist and MTBR for bike deals - all day every day... Other than bicycles, he has no interests. He will only watch true tv shows (The CI channel, shows like The First 48 or Manhunters - which aren't bad shows- but once in a while we need to laugh.) 

I've asked him if he would get into ATVs (kinda a more lazy way to be adventurous) and he says yes, but never makes any effort to join. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to find more things in common with him when he just seems so set in his ways and unwilling to be adventurous. I'm growing tired of feeling how I'm feeling. 

At this point I am absolutely dreading how our families are going to handle it more than how he's going to handle it. I truly feel that he sees it coming and isn't doing much to prevent it. I'd hate to feel like I'm letting everyone else down, but I really want to be happy. I feel like I'm too young to be as depressed as I feel in this relationship. 

How do you deal with the bitterness from the in-laws? Or even the disappointment of your own parents? I feel like they will be absolutely shocked and very hurt and angry. Ugh, I'm dreading it. Any advice?

Is there a way to mutually divorce and remain friendly? Is anyone in that boat? Or does it always end up sour?


----------



## Tron

SSandy said:


> Is there a way to mutually divorce and remain friendly? Is anyone in that boat? Or does it always end up sour?


It doesn't have to end up sour, but from his perspective, why would he want to have a friendly relationship with you after you divorce him? Why do women want to do this?

It just prolongs his pain. Cut the cord and move on, you would be doing him a favor.


----------



## SSandy

I would rather us both agree that we don't make each other happy. We care about each other, want what's best for each other. It's not like all those feelings need to be turned into a coldness. I'd love for him to find somebody who matches more of the goals and lifestyle he wants to live. My lifestyle changed to get healthy and ended up causing a huge riff.

I'd never want our friendship to fade. He's honestly a great person, very kind and hardworking. He is older, he does want children (I do not) he wants to have more of a "Stay at home" life and I don't. I think we both can see it... He won't want to be alone, nobody does, but he doesn't want to be unhappy either. 

It would be amazing if the decision was totally mutual and we just parted ways peacefully. It's just not reality...


----------



## Tron

SSandy said:


> It would be amazing if the decision was totally mutual and we just parted ways peacefully.


Like you said, more often than not it won't be mutual, so this just isn't realistic. 

If this M isn't what you want and you have no kids then perhaps you just need to pull the plug.


----------



## SSandy

Thanks Tron... I think you're right. I just can't bring myself to have another uncomfortable conversation. Ugh! I guess I am just going to give it some time...


----------



## Blondilocks

He needs to get his weight down if he wants to continue his livelihood. At his weight, he wouldn't fit through the opening to my attic to service my units. He's 39 and needs to find a new way to earn a living because what he is doing is a young man's job.

Ya know, the inactivity and being a homebody will only get worse over time. It might get better if he truly wanted to but that isn't who he is, now.

Sorry for your situation. Good luck.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

You dropped this bomb on him less than three weeks ago. He probably hasn't made the mental adjustment yet. That's what you're looking for, that he's absorbed the idea that his lifestyle isn't healthy, not that he's doing small things that get your approval.

But you've had a head start in this area through your own weight loss so you know how to reorganize your life and your habits, and he's just starting the process. I'd give him more than thirty days to figure it out. And I'd let him know that the specifics of how he gets there are less important than the final goal of being a healthy active person for life.

How can he love you I'd he doesn't love himself? How can he love himself if he treats his health that way? He needs the internal motivation to institute the life changes he needs to make.


----------



## SSandy

Thank you.. I completely agree. He has heard this health conversation for the past 3 years and he has never made much of an effort... Maybe our most recent and more serious conversation will motivate him some and I will try to give him some more time to process the information and apply the changes himself. I just wish he wanted it for himself...

He definitely does not make himself a priority in his life. I hate having to ask him to... I hate having to ask him to consider my thoughts, consider my feelings, and consider how all of his choices affect me. He shouldn't need a reminder. I also feel like I shouldn't have to beg him. 

To be honest, he has done absolutely NOTHING for the past week (unless I reminded him to do so)... I explained to him that I don't want the "nag" role or to feel like I'm his mother... He always has a joke-ish reply "Well, you said for better or for worse" or "You're stuck with me" and he will laugh ...I literally feel stuck. I feel as though he is so set in his ways and things aren't going to change.

I have been pushing him away lately and I do feel bad about it... I feel so unhappy in his company. Our conversation does not interest me. My mood is immediately dampened when he's home. I feel like I've tried to communicate, but it just isn't sinking in the way I had hoped for. 

It's like he tries to butt-kiss for the afternoon and when he thinks it's working he goes right back to the same old routine by the end of the day. Did he absorb anything I've said? Or maybe he's hiding his feelings? I can't tell. He will throw compliments at me all of a sudden, he has been "meal prepping" at home (but also STILL buys pizza and such for lunch while he's out -he thinks I don't know), he will ask me every night lately if I want to take a walk or play a card game (but he asks in that tone like he's praying I say no) - None of his effort seems genuine. 

Most times I say no to his suggestions... (because he doesn't ask me in a convincing way and it makes me feel saddened) Then he sits right on the couch, so pleasant, with his iPad (like usual) and acts like he's done his good deeds for the day. I've totally given up even saying anything this week.

I have been spending more time with my sister and cousin, bike riding or going out... When I come home he says "It's healthy for you to go out more, to feel good about yourself, and have a social life. I'm so glad." - Really? Because I wanted to be able to enjoy time with my husband too... Ugh. 

I talked to my parents this weekend about wanting a divorce. They both want me to try every single possible solution before making that decision. They suggested counseling, more conversations, couples counseling, reading books together, etc. They threw everything out there. I will say, I partially don't want to make that effort. I'm sick of feeling like the only one willing to work when he isn't sincerely trying. 

I really want to just give it some time. I questioned asking him for a separation. Maybe him moving out, us spending time a part, maybe he will focus more on getting himself in a better place? I don't know.

I don't know what to do, but my misery needs to find a happy ending.


----------



## niceguy28

You can't live your life for your parents and in-laws. Why be miserable just to make them happy. If you had kids then I could understand but you don't. You two don't seem to be compatible at all and the age difference is a big part of it. Don't be afraid to jump. Sometimes you have to.


----------



## C3156

SSandy said:


> At this point I am absolutely dreading how our families are going to handle it more than how he's going to handle it....I'd hate to feel like I'm letting everyone else down, but I really want to be happy. I feel like I'm too young to be as depressed as I feel in this relationship.
> 
> How do you deal with the bitterness from the in-laws? Or even the disappointment of your own parents? I feel like they will be absolutely shocked and very hurt and angry. Ugh, I'm dreading it. Any advice?


These are valid concerns, but it is your own life you should be looking after, not theirs. They are grown adults and I am sure they are more perceptive than you give them credit. As such, although they may be saddened by the loss of the relationship, I am pretty sure they can understand, especially if any of them have been divorced before.

I can say that my former in-laws never held any animosity towards me. Granted their daughter left me, so a little different. My parents were completely supportive of me. Don't let their potential reaction drive yours, it is your life.





SSandy said:


> Is there a way to mutually divorce and remain friendly? Is anyone in that boat? Or does it always end up sour?





SSandy said:


> It would be amazing if the decision was totally mutual and we just parted ways peacefully. It's just not reality...


Rare is the day that two people can end a relationship where someone is not hurting. There is no way in that case that the two people can remain friends. I never understand how people can expect something that clearly is not going to happen after a break-up. 

Given some time (it may be years), you may be able to be friends of a sort. Initially he will be hurt and sad that you leave. That really puts a dent in a man's ego and can take a while to overcome. Once he has had some time to reflect on things and come to terms with himself and what happened to the relationship, you may be able to work on mending the friendship or at least be able to converse.

I know that I am able to have a decent relationship with my ex now that it has been a few years. Would you say that we are friends? No, but that tension that was once there is gone and we can have a decent conversation.

It is obvious that he will not do anything towards ending the relationship, so you will have to be the standard bearer. You will have to see the lawyer and file the paperwork. You will have to basically do all the legwork, so be strong. You have proven to yourself that you can set a goal and meet it, you can do this.

Best of luck in your decision and moving forward. You need to do what is best for you and it may involve some unpleasantness. In time, things will get better.


----------



## pwnc

Ssandy,

I'm sorry for your situation. You should give yourself a lot of credit. There are so many stories on here of women and men in your situation who, instead of being frank with their spouse, began cheating to fulfill needs not being met in the marriage. It's easy to see from your actions that you truly love your husband and honour your marriage with him. Congratulations on that.

Another common theme you'll notice in stories here is that when the woman moves out it is often a smack across the head to the man. The man kicks into fix it overdrive. If it gets to the point where you feel like you have to move out, but you're still interested in working on the marriage in the future, you can have some hope that the wake up call will cause him to work on himself. I've read it here and I've seen it happen with friends of mine. There's no guarantee, but it is often the case that the only thing that will send us men into action is a strong life-changing jolt. I don't suggest using this as a game, but rather seeing it as something that can be of benefit to both you and him. It appears from your posts that he doesn't yet realize the gravity of the situation. So, moving out will give you the space you need to decide how to move forward. And it will make him understand just how serious you are about the changes you need in the marriage. Then, it's in his court as to how he will deal with it.

When my wife left, I sprang into overdrive. I was sincere in my efforts to fix the things she needed in the marriage. The difference is that she, I didn't know at the time, had already begun cheating. So, it's a different dynamic in that way. But, the leaving part made me realize there were serious issues in the marriage. Until that point, I hadn't really taken it serious. Could be the same, minus the cheating part, in your situation. 

Unfortunately, we men can be clueless and sometimes need a 2x4 upside the head to wake up.


----------



## SSandy

I truly appreciate everyone's input on my situation! It has been so helpful to be able to talk and receive great advice... I can't express how thankful I am for all of you.

I know deep down what needs to be done, but it's just so hard to do. The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is break someone's heart, especially someone I really do care about, but I know my own heart is breaking from all this unhappiness...

I think I am going to dive in and get it done.  I started researching the divorce process. I printed out the papers... I have not contacted a lawyer or anything yet. I figured I should probably let my husband know that this is the direction I'm headed before I actually get the ball rolling. (Or should I seek a lawyer without mentioning it?)

I can't imagine my husband doesn't see it coming. We've continued to grow further apart since any discussions about my unhappiness and our lifestyles being so different... No real effort or changes have been made. (I am somewhat to blame - I know I haven't been encouraging or participating in his lousy attempts to spend time with me - But I can't PRETEND that I'm happy with his insincere effort.)

At this point, I really want to do what is best for the both of us. I want to be happy again. I want to live the life I always imagined I could... I am still young, I want to be selfish and enjoy as much of my youth as I can. I know he is looking for a different life, a more laid-back and relaxed life. I just pray this goes as smooth as possible.

I do hate that feeling that I am hurting anyone or letting anyone down. My husband is a really great man, he just isn't completely compatible with me and I hope he eventually understands that. I know our families would all want us to be happy so I am just going to move forward with divorcing and deal with it day by day.

I don't know how the move-out process will go. I'm totally jumping the gun, I still need to work up the courage to have this conversation.

Does anyone have advice on the best way to bring up the conversation? He isn't the easiest person to open up to (he is extremely sensitive, dramatic, and defensive) so the first few conversations haven't gone over as well as I had hoped... I want to mention that things don't seem to be getting better and I am just feeling like we've grown apart, but without completely breaking his heart.

I think that he's proud of himself for his "efforts" and I just don't want to bring him down. I want to be gentle about it. Is there such a thing? (lol) Maybe I am overthinking it... I just haven't found a good time lately, we sit in complete silence these days - It's just awkward.

 Here comes the uncomfortable plunge.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Its not an easy conversation no matter how prepared you are for it. Yes, you can be gentle about it, just say exactly what you mentioned here...that it does not seem to be getting better and that you feel you have grown apart. 

I just hate that he is not willing to take proper care of his own health. I mentioned before that I have seen first hand the devastating effects of a diabetic neglecting to follow what he is supposed to do. In a marriage, your spouse should be important enough to you that you want to keep yourself as healthy as possible, to do otherwise is lazy and selfish. Makes me sad.


----------



## SSandy

Me too, 3Xnocharm, it makes me very, very sad. I have tried to motivate him for a long time... He is what most people call a "deny-abetic" because he likes to think he can live as though he doesn't have diabetes. His doctors, family, me, and friends have all tried to get him to take his health serious. For some reason, even after experiencing some really scary medical complications, nothing ever seems to phase him. He's a fan of changing for a couple weeks (a month tops) and then falls right back into his old ways.

He's been hospitalized countless times for wounds in his feet... He has such bad neuropathy, he has had a nail stuck in his foot for days, punctured right through his shoe, and he never knew it. He eventually caught on when his leg began to swell and he had some flu-like symptoms. I was a nervous wreck! I couldn't believe he wasn't checking his feet. He was in the hospital for weeks because of that, treating what ended up being a bone infection... He was sent home with a picc line and a daily visiting nurse for 2 months after that. It was awful! THAT did not inspire him to change his ways, be more careful, OR examine his feet.

A second time, another foot injury... He stepped on something, it created a hole, same scenario... The doctors were set to amputate his first two toes! (SERIOUSLY?! How could he continue to neglect himself?) Anyway, they discovered the infection this time around did not go into the joint or bone, so he was sent home with an antibiotic and some vac machine. He was again, out of work for 5 weeks and healing... But never changed his ways. He faithfully checked his blood and ate better for about a month, then he falls right back into doing what he wants to do.

I couldn't even tell you how many instances there have really been. MANY moments of wake-up calls and things you'd expect to shake him up enough that he would care about his health... It has always frustrated me. I do my best to support him, help him, encourage him, motivate him - down to simply doing anything and everything I can FOR him - but nothing has ever worked.

I did think by bringing up all of my unhappiness and expectations that he MIGHT make a change or at least begin to take it more seriously... Right now he is totally pretending to be doing all the right things. He is trying to say the right things... That is what is making this so hard for me. I love him to death, he's truly a wonderful person, but I just do not want to do this anymore. I don't want to pretend we have things in common. I don't want to watch him neglect his health and think he's fooling me. I don't want to live in a sexless marriage (even though I have for the past 7 years). I don't want to stay at home, watch tv, and watch him play on his iPad because he doesn't enjoy being outdoors.

I just feel like we may have reached a place of actually growing apart. He is extremely routine and predictable where I am completely spontaneous and adventurous. It's such a hard road to cross... I really wish I could find the words in a gentle, yet understanding, way to break it to him, but he does not re-act kindly. It makes it so difficult. I really do not want to hurt him, but I can't continue to live this life that I am not happy with. I am in such a rock and a hard place.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Yeah, that's some big time denial going on there. He is very stuck in inertia - does not want to do anything that requires major change or effort. Not to save his health, not to save his marriage. Some people just aren't motivated and there's nothing you can do because motivation to change habits has to come from within.

He's treating all his issues like he treats his job. Oh, there's a problem with the AC unit because it was run badly without maintenance? Change out a few parts, presto, it runs again. Never mind that it's still being run badly without maintenance and will be guaranteed to need new parts again in the future. To him, it's easier to have to do repairs than it is to change how he uses and cares for the AC.

When he expresses lackluster interest in whatever it was you wanted him to express interest in, that's him changing out a part and hoping the AC starts working again without him having to make major effort to change how he uses the AC.

Whenever he has a foot injury, he puts some effort into change, but when that particular injury finally heals, he figures he's 'fixed' the problem and resumes his old habits.

He'd rather lose a few toes, possibly a foot in the not too distant future, than put in the effort to change his eating habits and start exercising. He'd rather lose his wife than put in the effort to change his way of life. I honestly can't imagine what possible rock bottom he'd have to hit before suddenly developing some motivation. I'd say he's probably suffering from depression. It's not uncommon with chronic illness, and it would also explain his lack of energy and drive. Well, partly, because that's also no doubt due to high/low blood sugars, obesity and personality.


----------



## pwnc

It's going to be rough no matter what you do. If you stay the current course, it's going to continue to be rough on you indefinitely. If you move on your plan to make a better life for yourself, it's going to be rough for a while, but at least you can see better times ahead. 

You are handling this the right way by being upfront, honest, and transparent about it. Keep doing that. It's best for both of you.


----------



## SSandy

Thank you both for your response! I really wish there was a way to motivate him to change his ways, mainly for himself, because it is heartbreaking to watch such a wonderful man destroy himself. He is definitely very depressed, he has been on medication in the past. (Again, something that was temporarily taken care of.) He will not even faithfully take care of his mental health, over time he thinks he does not need it anymore, same scenario.

It's almost like my husband likes to be defiant. When he was diagnosed with diabetes at age 10, his mother really did not handle it properly and I think it stems from that. She babied him (he is also the youngest child) but she did not want him to feel "different" and it's almost like he never truly understood or identified himself as a diabetic.

She did all his meals, she scheduled his blood readings, she gave him his insulin, she organized his activities and sports - I would say she handled everything up until he was about 20 years old. When he moved out and got his own life, he quickly dwindled from there. He formed all of his own bad habits and never took care of his diabetes.

I remember on our second date he took me to dinner and we went to a museum. On our ride home he went 8MPH on the highway and was drifting toward the guardrail. I was terrified! I didn't realize he was experiencing high blood sugar... He was extremely exhausted and had a very dry mouth. I remember expressing concerns way back then, but he would temporarily get it "under control" so I always assumed he was making changes and getting healthier.

It's just sad to think back on the great times we've had and know how many times he has lied about his health. He has always been a temporary fix-it, enough to get me and his family to be quiet about it, but always went back to his routine. I do feel like I have been as open, honest, and sincere with my approaches to get him to change and better himself.

I truly do feel like as time has gone on that we may be in such different directions because I took my own health so serious. I did manage to get myself into the best shape of my life. I do enjoy so many new activities because of that. It breaks my heart to think that he does not love himself enough, never mind me, to get himself in a better place so we could enjoy our life together.

Lately he has been moody and stand-offish. He has slept on the couch for the past couple of nights, which is unusual. I tried asking him about it this morning... But he claims he has had a hard time sleeping, he wants the TV on (I can't sleep with the noise or distraction) and he also wanted his feet elevated because his neuropathy (pins and needles in the feet) was bad. I just accept the excuses, but I am feeling like it's because of our talks.

I am not sure how to begin our next conversation. I don't really know where we go from here. I am feeling completely ignored and pushed away... I feel like he isn't going to make a sincere effort or change (if he hasn't yet) and it's just so difficult.


----------



## farsidejunky

Do you often assign alternate intentions to people's actions? Or just his?

Or are you justifying your feelings about ending it?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Clay2013

farsidejunky said:


> Do you often assign alternate intentions to people's actions? Or just his?
> 
> Or are you justifying your feelings about ending it?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Sounds like she checked out long before ever really giving him the chance. 

C


----------



## SSandy

Hi FarSideJunky... Could you please elaborate on your comment? How do I "assign" alternate intentions to his actions? I am not quite sure what you mean by that.

I am not trying to justify how I am feeling, I am just expressing how I am feeling... It's been very difficult dealing with the same 'excuse routine' and making no real changes or progress in our marriage. I initially created this thread because after trying multiple ways to fix things between my husband and I over the years, I reached a point of just wanting to live my own life without having to try to fix his any more along the way.

I had always hoped he would step up and WANT to change, mainly for himself, but also so that our relationship would benefit. I know he is not happy living the way he is living, but because he doesn't choose to evolve and grow... I can't let that continue to hold me back. I am constantly trying new things and creating new interests. It's a shame that we can't share more of that because he is set in his ways... How long am I expected to be the only one trying to make a change? He talks a great talk, but his actions show otherwise.


Truthfully, I was hoping to connect with people who may have experienced a similar situation... I wanted to know how this process really went. I wanted to know how other people's families and friends have treated them when all was said and done. I wasn't set on my decision to leave him... I knew there would be tips and suggestions along this journey to talk about my consideration for divorce. I still do not feel as though I've assigned alternate intentions through my discussion - let's talk more about that.


----------



## SSandy

Hi Clay2013, I have not already checked out... It's hard to express all that has gone on over the years in one thread. The thoughts I have shared on here didn't just happen over night. It's been a long road, dealing with the same day in and day out, and many conversations and efforts have been made over the years. This post was about my CONSIDERATION for divorce. There are many many days I think it is worth it to just take the plunge because the hope looks so dim. There is a reason I haven't. I care about my husband. I want to have faith that he will turn things around. I want him to care about himself, as well as me, enough to take care of himself. I want him to want more out of life than this dull boring routine he's got himself stuck in. I wanted to listen to other people's input - possibly find hope!


----------



## farsidejunky

@SSandy:

In response to your PM, I will illustrate to you what I am seeing.

However, before discussing it, let me preface it by saying that in no way is it an admonishment of you, nor do I think it should stop the divorce process. You have clearly grown apart and have different needs. Divorce will be the best option for the two of you, IMHO.

I asked you about judging intentions. These are the parts of the post that caused me to ask that question:



SSandy said:


> I just accept the excuses, but I am feeling like it's because of our talks.





SSandy said:


> I feel like he isn't going to make a sincere effort or change (if he hasn't yet) and it's just so difficult.


I then went back through your thread looking for it. I do not see a ton of it, so this is more of something to watch for rather that a problem, if that makes sense.

When we judge peoples intentions, we are giving ourselves the ability to assign blame. Questions about his sincerity of effort? It may be all he has in the tank (which further reaffirms the decision to divorce). You are just accepting his excuses? Maybe he is actually telling you the truth. Do you have anything to indicate he is overtly lying to you besides your hurt from his lack of effort? Do you see my point? 

And please understand, I am trying to get you to see these things so you do not carry them to your next relationship.

Some other notes from your thread:



SSandy said:


> He doesn't enjoy anything that I do..


Be careful of the terms "always, anything, never". These are, again, used to justify negative feelings. Work on owning your feelings without making it the fault of someone else.



SSandy said:


> I am still feeling so unhappy and that his effort isn't truly sincere.


Back to sincerity of effort again. Maybe it would be easier to acknowledge that this is the best he can do. And frankly, this makes it easier to accept the inevitable divorce.



SSandy said:


> I've asked him if he would get into ATVs (kinda a more lazy way to be adventurous) and he says yes, but never makes any effort to join.
> 
> 
> 
> Why don't you set up a day to ride ATV's?
> 
> Bear in mind this is a loaded question.
> 
> The question behind the question is why are you insisting that he do so? To prove his love for you? Will it change the compatibility of the two of you? Nope.
> 
> What you want is a man that will "take charge" and will not be complacent. That is totally okay. Just accept it as another indicator of a lack of compatibility.
> 
> 
> 
> SSandy said:
> 
> 
> 
> No real effort or changes have been made. (I am somewhat to blame - I know I haven't been encouraging or participating in his lousy attempts to spend time with me - But I can't PRETEND that I'm happy with his insincere effort.)
> 
> 
> 
> Sincerity of effort...again.
> 
> 
> 
> SSandy said:
> 
> 
> 
> Right now he is totally pretending to be doing all the right things. He is trying to say the right things...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Pretending to do all the right things? So he is _actually_ doing the right things, but he doesn't really mean it...right? That is what you just said. I understand the resentment behind this statement, but either give him the benefit of the doubt or file. don't watch him give effort and then diminish it because you are hurt.
> 
> 
> 
> SSandy said:
> 
> 
> 
> I just accept the excuses, but I am feeling like it's because of our talks.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Or perhaps he is actually telling the truth. I get it. You do not trust him to be forthcoming with his emotions. Another reason to go ahead and file.
> 
> 
> 
> SSandy said:
> 
> 
> 
> I feel like he isn't going to make a sincere effort or change (if he hasn't yet) and it's just so difficult.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Sincerity of effort...again.
> 
> Look, SSandy, you have plenty of justification to divorce. But don't look at his effort, which may be his very best (and disappointing to be sure), and diminish it to justify your guilt for filing for divorce. Accept that he did his best, you did your best, and it did not work.
> 
> Then moving forward, be mindful of the things I have brought to your attention. They are relationship killers if allowed to fester while you are with someone that you actually want it to work with.
> 
> You have a tough road ahead, full of guilt and discomfort, but will be ultimately best for both of you. Take care.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Abc123wife

I haven't read all the posts yet, but you mentioned that your husband's hemoglobin A1C is 9.6. Most people may not realize but that is awful! The normal range is 4.3-6.0. A 9.6 level indicates that his average blood glucose level all day every day is between 258-275 mg/do. The normal range for blood glucose is 60-120! No wonder your husband is tired. He must feel horrible. When your blood sugar is high, you feel like ****! I cannot imagine being able to install HVAC with those levels of blood glucose. And he is experiencing the complications of long-term elevated blood glucose levels - the neuropathy, ED. Soon it will be diabetic retinopathy leading to detached retina (blindness), loss of blood circulation to extremities (leading to amputations), heart disease, kidney failure... It is not the diabetes that kill diabetics typically. It is the long-term complications and those can occur over decades of a slow decline requiring years of care taking by someone else.

Damage done thus far is not reversible, BUT further issues are avoidable if he gets his diabetes under control as shown by an A1C level below 7 and most Drs want that below 6 these days. It is possible to do! But you can't do it for him. Only he can have the will and motivation to do this. 

Also having those high blood sugar levels all the time (as indicated by his terrible A1C) causes extreme moodiness and depression. Diabetics are much more prone to depression. 

Finally, you are too young to have to take care of someone who refuses to take care of himself. You will soon be tending to someone dealing with amputations, kidney failure, etc. I do not blame you at all for being frustrated and wanting to leave to live the life that someone in their 20s is entitled to. And this is coming from someone who has had type 1 diabetes for 45 years but who has taken care of herself (not in my teens!). I would not saddle my spouse with health issues stemming from lack of care on my part. Not fair to do that to someone else no matter how much they love you. Btw, my brother, also a long-time diabetic, has lost both legs, one eye, and is under the full time care of my 85 year old mother. His wife left him long ago and I do not blame her at all.


----------



## Openminded

You can't make him care about his health. BTDT. My ex-husband had very serious heart issues. They were diagnosed about ten years before I divorced him. I knew they would kill him one day and a couple of months ago they did. 

While we were married, his various cardiologists (he changed doctors frequently) told him at every visit he needed to exercise and lose weight. So for many years I keep up with his many medications, cooked healthy, kept junk food out of the pantry and encouraged him to walk with me. Didn't work. He was like a very sneaky child. Once we were divorced, he completely stopped eating healthy, bought tons of junk food, and didn't move off the sofa. His weight ballooned -- and it was already bad. Three years later, his heart gave out and he was gone. I'm still recovering from his death. 

Your husband is responsible for his health -- not you. I learned that lesson late in life but I did learn it. I hope you will too. Your life will be much easier.


----------



## Abc123wife

OP, I have to really wonder why your husband did not get his diabetes under better control if he had ED issues starting at age 18. That would be alarm bells enough for most teenage boys! I have been told by diabetes educators that they use that has a motivator for boys with diabetes. They tell them that the penis can be one of the first indicators of poor diabetes control. A threat to their penis seems to be enough to scare most male diabetics into getting their diabetes under control!


----------



## SSandy

farsidejunky said:


> @SSandy:
> 
> When we judge peoples intentions, we are giving ourselves the ability to assign blame. Questions about his sincerity of effort? It may be all he has in the tank (which further reaffirms the decision to divorce). You are just accepting his excuses? Maybe he is actually telling you the truth. Do you have anything to indicate he is overtly lying to you besides your hurt from his lack of effort? Do you see my point?



Yes, I see the point you are making and I truly appreciate you bringing this to my attention... I describe his effort as "insincere" because unless I nag my husband he will make *zero* effort. The ways I refer to it seeming insincere is the way he goes about it... I mentioned to him that I want to spend time together and have conversation with him rather than just two bodies sitting in the same room on a daily basis... His response is always sarcastic. When I suggest anything (playing cards, taking a walk, etc.) he will basically roll his eyes. His first response is "You work from home, I do more work in an hour than you do all day." I never know how to react to that comment. I understand, completely, that he is tired. To me, it doesn't take much energy to play a game of cards. _In my eyes, if he has time to play on his iPad, why not do something TOGTHER instead?_ That's where I feel there's no effort. Other times, like after having this discussion, he will come home and tilt his head and ask me in such a monotone "Wanna play cards?" then he will roll his eyes... He is clearly only asking because I brought up wanting to do more things together, he isn't asking because he wants the same thing. Do you know what I mean? And I am not trying to force him... I was honestly hoping that by mentioning it, he might realize we've been distant.




farsidejunky said:


> Pretending to do all the right things? So he is _actually_ doing the right things, but he doesn't really mean it...right? That is what you just said. I understand the resentment behind this statement, but either give him the benefit of the doubt or file. don't watch him give effort and then diminish it because you are hurt.


I say that he _pretends_ to do the right things because once I try to discuss absolutely anything with him about how I am feeling, he will begin to go down his check-list of things he thinks I want him to do. That wasn't the point of me opening up to him. I wanted us to be able to meet in the middle somewhere... I would love to do activities he likes to do as well. I would love to just sit in the same room, beside each other, and talk! I wouldn't mind watching tv together and maybe holding hands. I just wanted us to feel connected in any way possible. Instead, he interprets the conversation as asking me on a daily basis to do the things I enjoy. That isn't what I was trying to say and I don't know any other way to communicate with him. If I don't ask him to do anything with me or if I do not initiate a conversation with him, he will literally continue his daily routine and be perfectly content. He comes home from work, eats dinner, watches the news, browses his iPad, goes into the shower, and then falls to sleep. *Every night.* That's his best? Maybe I am not communicating properly...





farsidejunky said:


> don't look at his effort, which may be his very best (and disappointing to be sure), and diminish it to justify your guilt for filing for divorce. Accept that he did his best, you did your best, and it did not work.


I think I have spent more time on this thread explaining how I've arrived at my negative feelings rather than talking about possible solutions to them. That I will agree with... I am not sure what the solution is. I am not sure how else I could word my concern for his health. I don't know how to bring back our connection. I know my husband is in a deep depression, but that is also something I feel like I cannot fix. I know he needs to care about himself and I do not know how to make that happen. He has lost interest in so many things, and I am not trying to play the blame game or find reasons to go, I am looking for ways to make things better.

There is obviously plenty of reasons I am unhappy. I know that I contribute just as much as he does to our distance... I have adapted to his routine... I always try to be understanding of the fact that he works very hard and is very tired at the end of the day. I always try to be considerate of his health issues as well... and I know that he is more fatigue than the average person due to his diabetes. I have always tried to make an effort while also allowing him the freedom to be himself. Lately, I just feel like only one of us is happy with the way things are going.

Whenever I bring up wanting things to change, it's almost like my husband thinks I am just going through something or having a bad day. He treats the conversation like it will blow over in an hour and just resume the way it was. Those are the reasons it feels _insincere_... Maybe I need to communicate differently? I don't know.

Your words have been insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to go through my thread and offer your advice and opinions. It has been very helpful for me to know the things I need to work on myself. That is what I need! Truly, thank you.


----------



## pwnc

Ssandy,

Another way of looking at what farside is saying is that maybe what you see in your husband's actions are a reflection of who he is and what his best efforts are at this time. 

It's taken me two years of drama and pain to accept that my wife's cheating, lying, and drama creating are who she is now. Nothing I did changed it. We split three times. Each time she would change her behaviour and come home, but each time she ended up back in the pattern of cheating, lying, and creating drama. I have finally accepted that this is now who she is, and therefore, we are no longer compatible. I'm still in the middle of it and it's painful and messy. No way around it. It will be that way for you too. Sorry for that.

It's not to say that people can't change. The first time my wife left (I didn't know there was another man involved), I made some changes. Before that, I was too detached, worked too much, flirted too much, and overall didn't put as much effort into the marriage as I should have. Her leaving was a wake up call. I made permanent changes. Turns out it didn't save the marriage, but it has made me a better person and a better potential husband in the future. I say this because there is a chance that splitting may cause your husband to make true changes, but don't put all your hope in that. 

For now, accept who he is and plan accordingly. And I'll say it again, I think the way you're handling it is commendable.


----------



## SSandy

Abc123wife said:


> Damage done thus far is not reversible, BUT further issues are avoidable if he gets his diabetes under control as shown by an A1C level below 7 and most Drs want that below 6 these days. It is possible to do! But you can't do it for him. Only he can have the will and motivation to do this.


Thank you Abc123wife... I know! It is honestly heartbreaking. Since I have met my husband (back in 2009) his A1C has gone from 11 to 9. *(Eek!)* And I know that a 9 is absolutely awful... We've experienced a handful of the negative affects of his long-term neglect already, I am scared of what the future holds. Minus his issues with his feet and neuropathy, he has also been told by an eye doctor that he has appeared to have a slight stroke. Some of the blood vessels behind the eyes have burst and he was at risk for going blind due to having such high blood sugar.

I have lost ways to communicate about it and help him with it. I feel as though I have made any and every effort I possibly could to try to help him get his health in better control. I do all his meal planning. (it takes time to count the calories, monitor the amount of starches, fats, etc.) I would prepare all meals for the day. I try in any way possible to make exercise a priority, but because he has such a _physical_ job, he really does not commit to getting active. I just feel like I have run out of steam. We have been together for seven years and married for four years, *nothing* has worked over that period of time.

He will temporarily begin to change, but he does not stick with it. He does not like how he feels when his blood is in the normal range. (Because he is so accustomed to having high blood sugars) It's a shame. He does not enjoy healthy food so it is hard to get him to eat better... He will always make the comments "If they could make lettuce taste like chocolate we would all be healthy" or "I only have one life, I'm not going to spend it eating food that tastes like garbage." He doesn't take much seriously...

He has had many conversations, lectures, and experiences that should have been more eye-opening, but sadly they weren't. You're right... I do feel at times like I am too young to be in this position. I have those thoughts often... Where do I see myself in 10 years? Do I want to be pushing him in a wheelchair because he had his legs amputated? Do I want to attend the school of the blind because he lost his eye sight? Do I want to be taking him to dyalisis? Sometimes I have my days where I say yes, I would be right by his side and I would do whatever it takes to make him happy... Other days I wonder what about my happiness?

I don't want to continue to justify my reasons for wanting a divorce... I don't want to paint a picture like he is *always* careless. He does have his days... I wouldn't still be doing this with him if he didn't get himself together some of the time. I guess I just can't help but wonder why _some of the time_ isn't *all of the time*?


----------



## Abc123wife

SSandy said:


> I don't want to paint a picture like he is *always* careless. He does have his days... I wouldn't still be doing this with him if he didn't get himself together some of the time. I guess I just can't help but wonder why _some of the time_ isn't *all of the time*?


That's the thing though, when you have a chronic illness like diabetes, you can't take days off. There are no vacations from diabetes. Every day, every hour he is diabetic. It is different than even something like heart disease where you can splurge once in a while for a meal or take a day off of exercise. With diabetes, there are no days off. You have to know that he had this for more than 20 years before he met you. He developed his way of denial and lack of care for himself. It is not fair to you to have to live with the consequences. The best thing you could do is to walk away and tell him to call you if and when he gets his A1C down to below 7. Either he cares enough to do that or he doesn't. 

You are 28 and haven't had sex for 1 1/2 years! You have been sexless since you were 26?! That is so unfair. And I hate to say it, but he is most likely unable at this point. So, are you planning to live the rest of your life as a celibate woman?


----------



## Abc123wife

Another consideration - Do you plan to have children? Do you want to have children? I am guessing not since he is already 39, the two of you have a sexless marriage, and you haven't mention it in any of your posts. But that might be something to seriously think through. Do you want to wait another 10 years of a sexless marriage trying to change his health habits and then divorce. By then your childbearing years would be about over realistically.


----------



## SunCMars

SSandy said:


> Another thing that is making this so difficult for me is the love between our families... My parents absolutely adore him, and his absolutely adore me.
> 
> We visit his parents every Sunday and my husband eats dinner and then instantly lays down to nap.. I spend a lot of time talking to his parents, but never express any unhappiness with him.
> 
> I am always texting with his mom, checking on how she's doing... Since my brother-in-law passed away, it has brought all of us very close. I would hate for them to feel as though I am hurting them too if I leave my husband.
> 
> I can't imagine how my husband would handle it.. We've discussed the sexless issue, but never find a resolution. He tried viagra and levitra, neither of them made any difference.
> 
> I feel as though he is not interested in sex. Maybe it's mental? He's completely against any type of therapy... He tells me therapists aren't there for solutions, they're there to make money and want people to keep coming back. That's equally frustrating!
> 
> We've discussed the fact that I want him to do more, like exercising with me or biking, etc. and his excuse is always how hard he works. He says I don't understand just how physically exhausting his job is.. Never a solution or compromise..
> 
> I usually just suck it up, watch him sleep and try to find friends to occupy what I'm missing in my marriage. (Minus sex lol)
> 
> I bought myself some sex toys, asked him to maybe use them on me? I've asked him to make out, but he is grossed out by the germs? (Can you believe we've been together for 7 years and never made out) I am just feeling stuck.
> 
> I can't handle the disappointment of him or others, but also feel so helpless in my situation.


He is telling the truth. If I strapped gym weights on you until you weighed 294 lbs. you would get exhausted just doing normal things. 

You are not compatible. 

File for divorce and keep his family as friends. Believe me, they know the score. They like you because only a saint would put up with his unfortunate situation. 

Diabetics really have it hard. It is very hard to lose wt. and keep it off. The brain feeds off of sugar. Sugar that is out of control affects his thinking and mental endurance. It is tough.

Divorce him, or wait for him to die at age ~45-52. He is a walking time bomb. If he does not die he will lose his feet, then his legs. He will be wheel-chair bound. Not a rosy future. His refusal to get healthy is going to cost both of you in ten years, or so.

This is not a kind solution, but one that needs to be done.

Sorry.


----------



## WonkyNinja

SSandy said:


> Thanks for some dialogue! So, We met 7 years ago. I was 21 and he was 32 - There wasn't much of a spark when we met, but he definitely was a lot more active and fun... We got married 4 years ago - things have drastically changed.


I have to ask why you got married when there was no spark even at the start. 



SSandy said:


> Over the years, things have slowly changed. He has gotten older, heavier. (He weighs 294 and his A1C is 9.6) He has never had great control over his diabetes, he suffers with horrible neuropathy in his hands and feet. His erectile dysfunction began when he was about 18 or so.. Way before me.


Depending on his height he isn't heavy or overweight he's probably close to morbidly obese. That isn't intended to be a judgmental statement but a factual one. If he is already suffering with neuropothy with highish A1C and doesn't take any steps to control it he may have given up hope of addressing it.



SSandy said:


> I do feel too young to never have any pleasure in my life. I've dealt with it because I figured sex isn't the most important part of our relationship and as much as I am yearning for it, I just figure it's something he cannot give me.


It is a big deal and there are a load of things you can do other than PIV sex to be intimate and connected.



SSandy said:


> Every weekend I take off with whatever friend I can find just to get out of the house a little.. I see movies with our nieces because now he falls asleep before the previews even end.
> 
> We don't go out to dinner because again, once he's full, he passes right out. (I'm sure diabete related) but nonetheless, it sucks!
> 
> I really don't know how to initiate a conversation about it. I know he would be absolutely shocked and devastated, but I am so unhappy.


The tiredness and fatigue are probably a direct result of high blood sugars. Does he take his insulin before the meal or wait until BG has risen then take insulin to bring it down? N.B.: I am NOT medically qualified.



SSandy said:


> He lies to me and always says "I have no idea how my blood got so high, all I ate was what you packed me" but I wasn't born yesterday. We share a bank account and I can see when he spent $25 at a sub shop or has stopped at 3 gas stations in a day. (I'm sure not buying anything healthy considering his results.)


He is lying to himself as well. If he is eating trash food and not taking care of his BG then he does know why it's high.



SSandy said:


> Right now we currently live in my dad's house.. In his first floor apartment. I haven't reached out to any of them about his health because they too, like me, do lecture him. His mother is constantly saying "You need to bring that belly down, I'm getting nervous" or "Did you take your blood today? How was it?" and he continues his story that I'm feeding him and he has no clue why it isn't working.


He is way beyond the point where his mother should be "getting nervous", she should be reading him the riot act. I'm not blaming him for the Diabetes, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but it *is* his responsibility to do whatever he can to manage it to the best of his abilities, and he will need lots of support with that.



SSandy said:


> It's hard for me to do because I do feel like his parents are extremely defensive if I am ever critiquing what he ate or if I comment on how he got such high blood readings. They're always saying "Oh he works so hard, he needs to endulge once in a while" or "give him a break, he works so hard." They only do that when I express concerns, otherwise, they harp too for him to get healthy. Strange situation.


Unfortunately that isn't the support he needs, that is just enabling him to not take care. 



SSandy said:


> He isn't a fan of being outside, he doesn't like the sunshine or hot weather, and he certainly isn't interested in walking/running. It saddens me.
> 
> My husband has one hobby, bicycles. He does not ride them, but he collects them. (Sometimes buys and sells them.) It's strange. He will faithfully watch the Tour de France, browse Craigslist and MTBR for bike deals - all day every day... Other than bicycles, he has no interests. He will only watch true tv shows (The CI channel, shows like The First 48 or Manhunters - which aren't bad shows- but once in a while we need to laugh.)
> 
> I've asked him if he would get into ATVs (kinda a more lazy way to be adventurous) and he says yes, but never makes any effort to join. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to find more things in common with him when he just seems so set in his ways and unwilling to be adventurous. I'm growing tired of feeling how I'm feeling.


I would suggest that you back off the ATV talk as that isn't going to help him lose weight or get fitter one iota. He needs to be riding those bikes, not selling them.



SSandy said:


> Is there a way to mutually divorce and remain friendly? Is anyone in that boat? Or does it always end up sour?


It is possible. My wife and her ex are still good friends, actually I'm friends with him as well. There were many issues and I think they both realized that it wasn't working for either of them. He has moved on and found someone he is very happy with, they are about to have their 1st child, and she and I are together. That doesn't mean it was easy for them and it is not the common situation by any means but it is possible. My XW and I on the other hand .....



SSandy said:


> I would rather us both agree that we don't make each other happy. We care about each other, want what's best for each other. It's not like all those feelings need to be turned into a coldness. I'd love for him to find somebody who matches more of the goals and lifestyle he wants to live. My lifestyle changed to get healthy and ended up causing a huge riff.
> 
> I'd never want our friendship to fade. He's honestly a great person, very kind and hardworking. He is older, he does want children (I do not) he wants to have more of a "Stay at home" life and I don't. I think we both can see it... He won't want to be alone, nobody does, but he doesn't want to be unhappy either.
> 
> It would be amazing if the decision was totally mutual and we just parted ways peacefully. It's just not reality...


It doesn't sound as though you two have much to aim for. You can only make it work when you both want it to work and this doesn't seem like you both want the same thing. Wanting and not wanting children is a really big issue to differ on.


----------



## SSandy

Abc123wife said:


> Do you plan to have children? Do you want to have children?


He really did want children, however, I do not... We've discussed it. I was always honest from the start about not wanting kids. I absolutely love kids! But I also love traveling and having a life so I fulfill my life with my nieces and nephews - I was also a nanny for a couple years - I'm all set! lol...


He's always assumed that over time I would change my mind, but so far I have not. I've thought about it before, but his family genes (lots of autoimmune issues (rheumatoid arthritis, chrons, lymphoma), mental health issues on both sides of his family, heart conditions, etc.) have made me more sure that it isn't the best idea. (It may seem like a harsh thing to say, but I mean that with good intentions. All of his siblings, parents, and most cousins and relatives have some sort of autoimmune issue - it's scary to think about.)

NO! I am not prepared to be celibate forever. I wish more than anything to have sex... Even just any form of intimate attention or pleasure. I would absolutely never cheat, ever. I have resorted to a life of masturbation and sex toys, but would love for it to be with my husband. He instantly clams up, shuts down, and doesn't talk about it. It is such a sensitive subject - he avoids any touching or kissing at all costs in hopes not to have to deal with the disappointment.

I do not bring it up anymore because I already know that it will most likely never function again. It hasn't in a very long time! I don't want to make him feel any less of a man. I do wish he would think about me a little more, as far as my needs, but I feel ashamed to ask him to please me. He gets too uncomfortable and because he doesn't enjoy it, it makes it totally unenjoyable for me.


----------



## SSandy

SunCMars said:


> File for divorce and keep his family as friends. Believe me, they know the score. They like you because only a saint would put up with his unfortunate situation.


I do think his family would eventually understand my decision, if that's what ends up happening... I think it would it be a shock initially, because I do tolerate him so well (most people wouldn't have had this kind of patience I'm told) and I have always stood by him through the good or bad - they've always thanked me for that.

His family just lost his brother last August. He passed away at age 40 due to cancer and it was extremely difficult for them all. His brother's wife was cheating on him while he was ill and in hospice... Once he passed away, she immediately sold their house and took off with her new boyfriend. His mother absolutely *hates* her,_ I will say that we all do for different reasons_, but it's a really deep routed hatred for his mom...

Anyway, the point of mentioning that is because his mom constantly says things to me like "My son is so lucky to have you. I wish that only my other son was fortune enough to have someone like you before he passed, but that wasn't the case." And she does this *often*... It makes me feel so guilty for my unhappiness. I know my husband loves me, but it's so hard to be in my shoes. I feel as though they're all still grieving and maybe that's the reason she makes the comments...

I'd hate for his family to feel like I am walking away and throwing in the towel instead of somehow forcing him to wake up... It's just hard. I really don't want to hurt absolutely anyone in the process, but I also know there isn't much of a chance I'll ever be truly happy. Even if my husband got himself healthier, our marriage will most likely always be sexless and I don't know how we'll ever tackle that issue.


----------



## farsidejunky

She says those things to you because she knows he is falling short.

It really looks like manipulation. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded

It's likely his family will judge you if you divorce him but there's nothing you can do about that so you will have to put it out of your mind. I ended a very long marriage that everyone in my family was against my doing. I decided making them happy by staying wasn't as important as making me happy by leaving.


----------



## SSandy

WonkyNinja said:


> I have to ask why you got married when there was no spark even at the start.


Well, to be completely honest... When we met, it was my first time ever dating somebody older so it was a different experience. He had a good head on his shoulders, he was established, and mature... It was really great to connect with somebody more mature than the guys I was used to dating. (Granted I was only 21, him being 32 at the time...) 

I really loved the way he treated me. He would always open doors, always pay (even when I'd offer) and was just always a perfect gentlemen. Most of the guys my age were into partying, relationships were kinda 50/50 and guys didn't pay for each date (maybe I had sh*tty exes?), and they certainly didn't have a career.

I loved our conversations when we met. He is extremely interesting and very intelligent. He has done so much schooling and he had so many interests, it was just fascinating. I loved learning new things with him and about him, I loved experiencing new things, and laughing with him. He used to be much happier and full of life. 

I don't know if I ever felt a _spark_... We never had a sexual chemistry between us. Our first sexual encounter was pretty awkward considering he had to explain his erectile dysfunction. And sadly it never got better... But because I genuinely enjoyed his company I sort of just forgot about sex for a while. I did fall in love with him for who he is and how he always made me feel, but along the way, things have slowly changed for the both of us. It does make me question if there was ever a spark? Maybe I didn't experience enough and I married too soon? I don't know. 




WonkyNinja said:


> It doesn't sound as though you two have much to aim for. You can only make it work when you both want it to work and this doesn't seem like you both want the same thing. Wanting and not wanting children is a really big issue to differ on.


I do think we've grown apart quite significantly over the last couple of years. It makes me sad to even put that in writing, but I know we have. I have continued to pursue my goals and I honestly feel as though he doesn't have any goals in mind... He seems very content with the way things are. He is ok with my decision to not want children, even though he would like them... He says we are a family with or without kids and he has never made it a big deal.


----------



## SSandy

I feel like I'm at a stand-still. I don't know what my next step is... I don't know how to bring up another uncomfortable conversation about things not seeming to make progress between us. I don't know whether to give it some time and see if maybe our talks will eventually sink in and maybe he will begin to make some changes/effort? 

I feel like he does not communicate with me. He listens to what I have to say, most times he will sigh or roll his eyes while I'm talking, and over the next few days things go back to being exactly the same as they were before the conversation... I don't know how to interpret that. I can't read his mind, but he chooses not to express himself. _Sometimes_ he will become defensive (_he will defend that he has the right to endulge in foods he enjoys, he will defend his job and how it makes him tired so I can't have such high expectations at the end of the day_) and it's frustrating. 

I feel as though the things I discuss with him aren't for only my benefit alone, they're also concerns for his health. I fear what the future looks like if he does not get himself healthier. I think our relationship could certainly benefit if he decided to be healthier... He may find some more energy with better controlled blood readings and maybe he'd experience less mood swings and depression?* Is there a reason men don't communicate how they're feeling?* I know my husband is 100% non-confrontational - most people call him the "yes man" because he never wants to disappoint anyone, even if he has no intention on keeping his word he will say what you want to hear - it's really a shame. 

I know I have heard it plenty of times so far, yet I continue to justify my feelings and question what to do... I really fear the actual plunge taking part. I just don't know if that's the _right_ solution. Is there no hope for him to change? Is there no hope of us miraculously having a sex life? Am I emotionally and mentally prepared to end this relationship? Am I prepared to disappoint, hurt, and lose some close family/friends over this decision? Is there ever _good _timing? I just don't know.


----------



## farsidejunky

Not all men struggle to communicate...just most...



On a serious note, SSandy, you are simply delaying the inevitable. You know this will not get better, right? It is time to take the steps necessary to end it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars

First thing.

Stop criticizing him. He sounds like a decent man.

He is not perfect, he has his faults.....WHO DOESN'T?

I understand the desire to leave him........I absolutely DO NOT see the need to chip away at his worth to convince others that you must bail on your marriage.

You married the guy...Honor him, even when/after you leave him.

For YOU to leave him does not include the need to make excuses at HIS expense.

The ONLY problem in this marriage is the fact that you two are NO LONGER compatible. Leave it AT THAT!

Seriously, it is OK to want to live out your short life on this Earth in the best way that you can craft.

Nobody expects you to be a Saint....forever. You are not Mother Theresa.

Be Mature, emphathetic....to the end of your days. No one should fault you for that. 

Do the best FOR YOU and FOR THOSE that you have taken under your wing.

see below for steps needed.




The Mother in Law:

Yes, the MIL knows that your husband [her son] is a "heavy burden". She loves this son. She is trying compliment you [yes, it is manipulation]. She does not want you to give up on her son. She is fearfully strapping a bumpy guilt-trip [on your back]. 

All mothers want the best for their children. Do not fault her....either.


Steps Forward:

1) Commit yourself to the task of leaving this marriage. Either you do it, or you do not. Jump off the cliff with a well planned parachute.
2) Talk to an attorney. Find out what your options are. 
3) You will need an income to pull this off. Get a job, if you do not have one.
4) You will need a car and car insurance.
5) You will need a place to stay. If possible, get a job and a place as far as possible away from him.
6) Do not make grandiose plans...just 12 months forward.
7) Tell no one, until you file for divorce. If you are moving to a friends house, well, that person will know.
8) Get your finances and paperwork in order. Amass some cash. Get a credit card in your name only, for emergencies.
9) Once you find a place [an apartment, a friends/family member's house, were ever, start pre-packing and moving Some Stuff. Do not move too much.
10) The job and the apartment [or place to stay] are the trickiest things to time properly. You want the departure to be smooth.
11) Do not be in a hurry to separate and divorce....plan this out, carefully.

Sorry..... and good Luck. Live well....burn no one.


----------



## SSandy

SunCMars said:


> Stop criticizing him. He sounds like a decent man. He is not perfect, he has his faults.....WHO DOESN'T? I understand the desire to leave him........I absolutely DO NOT see the need to chip away at his worth to convince others that you must bail on your marriage.You married the guy...Honor him, even when/after you leave him.


Well let me just start by saying I do not mean to criticize him whatsoever... Again, I know I have been focusing more on what has lead to me these thoughts about divorce or separation more than spending time mentioning all of the positives to our marriage. I will try to correct that moving forward... He is a *great* person. I really don't want to paint a picture that he isn't. I guess I was more or less identifying all of the ways we're incompatible and the difficulties we have been dealing with to justify my own reasons for feeling how I have been feeling. I do not want to come across as somebody who wouldn't defend him to the end or stand by his side, because I do.

I just know he is capable of doing a lot more than he currently is and I do not know the best way to movitate or encourage him to get there. I feel as though there is hope of us reconnecting and being compatible if he would just get himself healthy. If my husband would get his depression treated and take care of his diabetes, I feel as though he would become interested in the activities and conversation we used to have. He could potentially revive himself and it would in turn revive our relationship. He is just staying in this _funk_ and it's been so long that I am running out of fuel. I do not really know where to turn.

I honestly do love him and care about him deeply. I've tried mentioning the idea of going to counseling again, even if we do individual counseling and not marriage counseling, but he's pretty dead against it. He is sticking with _"Therapists are there to make money, not to fix problems. They need people to keep coming back to get paid, we do not need to throw money at someone to listen and not solve problems."_ It's hard to get him to be receptive of the idea. Maybe I could try suggesting books? Anybody know of anything that may be of help to us?




SunCMars said:


> All mothers want the best for their children. Do not fault her....either.


I was never faulting her... I just found it to be a little uncomfortable with the comments she would make. I don't want to destroy any relationships with anybody and I feel as though she propped me up on some pedestal that I do not necessarily belong on. _Does that make sense?_ I guess I mainly feared putting him or his family through any more pain since of the death of his brother... I know she is truly grateful for me, she obviously loves her son and wants the best for him - sometimes it just makes me feel stuck. I am afraid of being considered _selfish_ if I mention the ways I am unhappy when I already know my husband and his family are going through something much more difficult.

I really appreciate your response. It has opened my eyes to the fact that I could be putting in more effort to build him up than to focus on only my feelings. I know I have made several attempts over the years, but I need to find a new strategy. There has got to be a bridge I have not yet crossed out there. Hm! :scratchhead:


----------



## SSandy

After being on here and discussing it more and more, I am questioning if divorce is really the route I am ready to take. _Forgive me, I know I am a pain and I'm being indecisive._ (I'm a Gemini! Does that justify anything? lol) But in all seriousness, I'm trying to learn more about myself through this process as well, by talking to so many of you I feel as though I am gaining some insight and perspective that I did not have before.

As much as I have mentioned all the ways my husband and I have grown apart, I know the sex in our relationship may _never_ be perfect and I will just have to live with that, but I truly could not imagine my life without him. I re-read SunCMars "Steps forward" and I do not think I am ready for that.

I begin to think: _In a perfect world my husband would wake up and realize that he is hurting himself and shortening his lifespan and decide to make his health a priority._ I know deep down he must *want* to be healthy, _obviously in his perfect world he wouldn't be a diabetic_, but maybe he gets overwhelmed? He has heard many lectures over the years, he has received lots of information regarding diabetes, but there must be a real reason he isn't applying it to his life.

Is there a way I can be of more help to him? Is there a way I can be more supportive without taking on the caretaker role? I know the pattern we're currently living is not working, but I do not know any other way to go about making it better. I could really use some suggestions in that area.

My husband has anxiety about his diabetes. He has never truly dealt with or accepted the fact that he is a diabetic and that may be his underlying issue. No? He is absolutely terrified of having low blood sugar. Each time he has made a real effort in getting healthy, he panics when his blood hits 32 and he's on the verge of having a seizure. _As would I, I'm sure._ (He does not know the proper amounts of insulin to take or how to adjust it accordingly when he begins to eat healthier.)

He has become comfortable with high blood sugars because it is not immediate damage, it is long-term damage. As he slowly suffers the affects from high blood sugar, like the nueropathy and erectile dysfunction, he just lives with it - like it isn't _that_ bad. When he has a low blood sugar and is nearly unconscious, has seizures, and goes into keto-acidosis ; he panics. Each time he makes an effort, he eventually comes across a low blood sugar incident and then he completely stops trying.

I don't know if anyone will relate to me on this topic, but it's difficult. I really do my best to be helpful... I got him a sliding scale (which roughly tells you how many units of insulin to take according to your blood reading before a meal) so that way he would not take too much and risk going low... and even that, he won't faithfully follow. I understand that he has fear, but that shouldn't stop him from trying! Wouldn't he like to avoid the future of losing limbs, going blind, or dying too young?

I feel like by talking more about his concerns and fears with his diabetes, maybe I could learn a thing or two to be more helpful? Maybe I am not being supportive in the way he needs? I have purchased honey, glucose tablets, peanut butter crackers, and all sorts of things to bring his blood up in case of emergencies, but he still doesn't trust it. If it is something that only comes from within then I may be helpless, but I do not want to give up.

I wonder if there are any programs that he could get into for some help? I would love it if he would just take baby steps into making progress.. It'd be nice if he would just faithfully check his blood sugars a few times per day for starters! (He does not check his blood. He basically guesses, by how he is feeling, whether he needs to take insulin or not.) I just don't want to accept that there isn't anything to be done.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I think its awesome that you really want to try and help him and to be supportive. However, the motivation STILL needs to come from within him. Unless you plan to follow him around his job all day, you cannot do everything for him, all the time. I would suggest you go all out trying to help/motivate/support, but give yourself a time frame. If within that time frame there is no improvement coming from HIM despite you doing all you can, then you can move forward knowing you gave it all you had. 

Checking is blood sugar is one of THE most important things he needs to do! If he doesn't like the finger stick, there are kits that let you stick other areas of your body that are more comfortable than the finger. Glucose testing was one of the biggest problems we had with my stepson, and he (and his family) are now paying for his mistake.


----------



## farsidejunky

Your nurturing of him is admirable.

You have to live with your decisions. 

I would tell you that the sexlessness would be enough for me to end it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded

Sure there are things that can be done but *he* has to be the one who wants them done and puts them into action -- not you. Otherwise, you take on the role of "mom" and, believe me, you don't want that -- BTDT. 

His is the primary role. And this is on him -- not you -- to fix.


----------



## MJJEAN

As long as you're willing to stay, he has no motivation to change. By staying, you are allowing him to continue living in a fantasy world where his diabetes and the sexlessness aren't an issue. You may actually be doing more harm than good.


----------



## SunCMars

Team up with his mother to get him help, diet, exercise, counseling. 

I apologize for my harshness. You ARE OK, a good person, you really are.


----------



## SSandy

MJJEAN said:


> As long as you're willing to stay, he has no motivation to change. By staying, you are allowing him to continue living in a fantasy world where his diabetes and the sexlessness aren't an issue. You may actually be doing more harm than good.


Truthfully, that is my fear. I've made several attempts over the past 3 years, begged and pleaded at times for him to get healthy (especially when he was hospitalized for the foot injuries and those things) and I always felt like by playing his caretaker, his meal planner, his exercise instructor, and his insulin monitor - that maybe I was doing more harm than good. 

He doesn't ever really have to take responsibility because somehow I always try to. The sexlessness is most definitely difficult to live with. It's most difficult because he refuses *ALL* forms of intimacy. I feel like he's become _asexual_? (I think that's the term.) And he does expect me to understand and honor that. Which I have...

I've talked to doctors with him before... I want to say that he seems more mentally unable to get aroused than physical (although the diabetes definitely does hinder it) but it's almost like a complete uninterest. It's hard not to reflect those feelings onto myself sometimes...

Here I am, 28 - in the best shape of my life - and a husband who won't kiss me. (Well, he won't make out with me... He will give me a peck before bed, that's about it.) He does not embrace my body, he does not remind me that I am attractive, he does not really touch me. Sometimes it makes me insecure. Am I unattractive to him? Is it me? I really don't know. 

I have lived with it for a while now, I want to say I'm getting used to it... I'm certainly not happy about it, but I really do believe there is more to our relationship than sex so I've learned to just have my _alone time_ and make it work. 

I am going to have a long talk with him this weekend... I will try to be 100% wholeheartedly open and honest about everything I am feeling - in hopes that something dawns on him. I don't want the role of "mom" or "nag" because it truly isn't who I am and it doesn't make me feel good inside. 

I truly do appreciate you all! I feel like I've made some new friends and have people to talk to. I can't even express how much it has helped me. *Thank you, seriously.*


----------



## SSandy

3Xnocharm said:


> Checking is blood sugar is one of THE most important things he needs to do! If he doesn't like the finger stick, there are kits that let you stick other areas of your body that are more comfortable than the finger.


You're right! I really wanted that to become his first 'healthy' habit and his starting point. I figured if he visually saw his numbers regularly it may cause him to want to change. But it hasn't...

He has horrible neuropathy in his hands as well, he cannot feel the finger pricks. He really doesn't have an excuse, he just doesn't want to do "more work" he says. There's many times I will go ahead and check it for him multiple times a day - out of concern... Sometimes he will begin to nod off, in strange way, and I check because I don't want him to go low and seizure or anything scary!

I will say, most times when I check it, he's in the 250's - maybe tired from it being too high as well? I don't know. I really hope and pray there is something to motivate him to get himself healthy. 0


----------



## MJJEAN

SSandy said:


> Truthfully, that is my fear. I've made several attempts over the past 3 years, begged and pleaded at times for him to get healthy (especially when he was hospitalized for the foot injuries and those things) and I always felt like by playing his caretaker, his meal planner, his exercise instructor, and his insulin monitor - that maybe I was doing more harm than good.
> 
> He doesn't ever really have to take responsibility because somehow I always try to. The sexlessness is most definitely difficult to live with. It's most difficult because he refuses *ALL* forms of intimacy. I feel like he's become _asexual_? (I think that's the term.) And he does expect me to understand and honor that. Which I have...
> 
> I've talked to doctors with him before... I want to say that he seems more mentally unable to get aroused than physical (although the diabetes definitely does hinder it) but it's almost like a complete uninterest. It's hard not to reflect those feelings onto myself sometimes...
> 
> Here I am, 28 - in the best shape of my life - and a husband who won't kiss me. (Well, he won't make out with me... He will give me a peck before bed, that's about it.) He does not embrace my body, he does not remind me that I am attractive, he does not really touch me. Sometimes it makes me insecure. Am I unattractive to him? Is it me? I really don't know.
> 
> I have lived with it for a while now, I want to say I'm getting used to it... I'm certainly not happy about it, but I really do believe there is more to our relationship than sex so I've learned to just have my _alone time_ and make it work.
> 
> I am going to have a long talk with him this weekend... I will try to be 100% wholeheartedly open and honest about everything I am feeling - in hopes that something dawns on him. I don't want the role of "mom" or "nag" because it truly isn't who I am and it doesn't make me feel good inside.
> 
> I truly do appreciate you all! I feel like I've made some new friends and have people to talk to. I can't even express how much it has helped me. *Thank you, seriously.*


Some things I believe to be true. One of them is that a marriage is a total giving of self, including the body, to each other. A marriage is a sexual relationship. Without sex, you're pretty much friends/roommates. 

According to the faith tradition I follow, a husband and wife have a sexual duty to each other and their marriage. Of course, they can be excused from that duty due to illness. However, the duty does include doing everything that can be done to receive treatment and be able to be intimate again.

Not only is your husband failing in his duty to you and your marriage, but he's also literally slowly dying because he refuses to take action. Your options seem to be to watch him die while your life and youth pass you by, leave and hope it wakes him up, or just leave.

When I was about 32, the hormone surge hit. My libido kicked into high gear. It hasn't slowed yet. Trust me, you need to so something because this isn't going to get any easier for you.


----------



## SSandy

I am going to have this talk with him tomorrow. It is something I haven't brought up in quite some time, because I figured step one would be focusing on his health before focusing on the intimacy or sex, but I do think I need to air it *all *out there. I want him to know exactly how I feel, like I've been able to tell all of you... At least then I will know for sure whether we are going to work together, for real, or if I am going to start a countdown... 

I will give him a time frame, so he knows I am not just _having a bad day_, but that I do want to see some real results. I want to be happy, we all already know this, so I will just have to express to him my wants and needs. It would be nice if he is able to express his, maybe I am not meeting his wants or needs? That would be interesting and at least create some dialogue. Either way, some sort of plunge will be taken. 

I am afraid, I just hate to think I am hurting him... But I know at some point I need to continue to take care of myself too. This team needs some reinforcement and I am hoping he is able to take the conversation from a loving caring place rather than attack mode. Does anyone think I'd have any luck writing him a letter? I feel like I'd get everything out there on paper without hesitating or studdering to say it. 

He asked me if I would go to the beach tomorrow. I was pleasantly surprised... We haven't walked the beach together in years. I am looking forward to it! I also feel like it would be a good opportunity, in a calming and beautiful setting, to give him my letter. What are your thoughts?


----------



## farsidejunky

Do it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

How did it go?

I think this guy thinks of you as a second mother, not a wife, relying on you to manage his household and the bare essentials of his diabetes. But the more you harp on about how he needs to get his health under control, the more he will rebel and refuse to do it. Also, one does not do anything sexual with one's mother.

You say he's a great guy, but really, he's not. You see the POTENTIAL in him to be a great guy. But he's not willing to try to get there, so he's really only a selfish and irresponsible guy, who would rather die young and crippled than do the work to become the great guy you see in him.

The only way to shake him up enough to maybe motivate him is to cut the apron strings. Make arrangements to move out, and tell him you are sad that he doesn't love you enough to improve his health enough to be there for you long term, and that you can't stay to see him slowly destroy himself any further. Stay in touch, maybe get together with him on special occasions, but make it clear that the marital long-term commitment is over and you will proceed with divorce unless he's willing to make a long-term commitment to his own health. Then, after a year or whatever it is in your state, you will either see tangible improvement and you can decide what you want to do, or you won't and you can divorce him.

If you make it clear to his family that you are leaving because he won't commit to his health, they may stop enabling him to keep ruining it, if they like you so much.

Leaving him may be the only thing that saves his life.


----------



## SSandy

Hopeful Cynic said:


> How did it go?


Well, it went... I can't say it went well because he did not take it lightly. (I didn't expect him to, I worded my letter in the exact terms of how I am feeling and made it clear that I am seriously considering a divorce if no changes are made because I am just so unhappy.) The first night he did not sleep. He spent most of the night crying and pacing back and forth... And as bad as I felt about it, I think he needs to go through the emotions. I know I already have...

Since the letter, we have had *one* actual discussion about it. He is mainly focused on his depression... He said he is willing to _try_ therapy to see if it changes anything for him. He is going to get back on his medications... Again, these are all things I have heard many times before, so before I am jumping for joy I am just going to give it some time. He mainly asks me all sorts of questions... _Do you think we will end up divorced? Do you think you will find happiness if we do therapy? Do you think things will get better?_ and I just do not know how to answer them.

Sometimes I feel like my mind is already made up, I am ready to go our separate ways... I don't feel like I will ever be able to motivate or encourage him to change his ways. I feel like we've already established these unhealthy roles in our relationship - for a very long time - and trying to become a "wife" after playing "mom" just isn't going to happen. _(Is it?)_ The entire dynamic of our relationship needs to shift... And he's honestly very happy with how things are. _He says that is why he is so shocked by really hearing how unhappy I am..._





Hopeful Cynic said:


> If you make it clear to his family that you are leaving because he won't commit to his health, they may stop enabling him to keep ruining it, if they like you so much.
> 
> Leaving him may be the only thing that saves his life.



I feel like I am ready to begin the separation... I mentioned it to him, I said I wanted to spend time apart, but we have not discussed any plans since... I would like him to move out - being that I live in my dad's first floor apartment - but he has avoided any further discussions about anything so far. Most nights he will say _"I feel devastated. My marriage is *the* most important thing in my life. I never imagined I'd hear any of this."_ It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I just feel like I have tried countless times in different ways to improve things - I don't know how he didn't notice? Also, if I was that important, I feel as though he would've changed a long time ago. I feel like my own thoughts are confused... I feel like there is a bitterness on my end. When he acts completely clueless and wowed by everything - I become defensive and want to argue all my efforts that have gone unnoticed. I don't, but I know it's bringing me to a resentful place.

I made a call to a psychiatrist myself and I begin on July 6th - I'm really hoping that I get something out of it. _I'm sure I will._ I feel like the more I do talk with him about things and I express my feelings, the more I am just confirming in my mind that this relationship has ran its course, I have done what I could, but I am feeling less and less hope for a happy ending.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

SSandy said:


> Since the letter, we have had *one* actual discussion about it. He is mainly focused on his depression... He said he is willing to _try_ therapy to see if it changes anything for him. He is going to get back on his medications... Again, these are all things I have heard many times before, so before I am jumping for joy I am just going to give it some time. *He mainly asks me all sorts of questions... Do you think we will end up divorced? Do you think you will find happiness if we do therapy? Do you think things will get better? and I just do not know how to answer them.
> *


Im sorry Ssandy, I can imagine how hard this was. These questions that he keeps asking are very telling...he only wants to put out effort if its going to keep you around. These sound very child-like to me.


----------



## WonkyNinja

SSandy said:


> He is going to get back on his medications...


Is he talking about his Diabetes meds? Has he taken himself off them? If so then why?



SSandy said:


> My marriage is *the* most important thing in my life. I never imagined I'd hear any of this."


He probably needs to think of his Diabetes as the most important thing in his life as his marriage won't actually kill him. From what you've described his Diabetes may well do.

This sounds harsh but it isn't intended to be critical of him other than his lack of attention to his own health, which in itself is destroying the health of the marriage.


----------



## SSandy

3Xnocharm said:


> Im sorry Ssandy, I can imagine how hard this was. These questions that he keeps asking are very telling...he only wants to put out effort if its going to keep you around. These sound very child-like to me.


Yeah, that's exactly how I'm feeling... Like he is going to make a temporary effort, like before, long enough for me to be quiet and go back to the way things were.  I just feel so lost...


----------



## SSandy

WonkyNinja said:


> Is he talking about his Diabetes meds? Has he taken himself off them? If so then why?


He took himself off his antidepressants, he stopped taking his blood pressure medication, and he stopped taking his cholesterol medication...

He survives with taking his insulin, he wouldn't stop taking that. The other medications play a large role in his overall health though and he claims he will begin taking them again, which I truly hope he faithfully does.


----------



## Blondilocks

Your husband behaves like a child. He may as well have a death wish. He has to, has to, take those meds. Does he want to have a stroke or heart attack? And, if he did, would you be happy nursing him for the rest of his life? What he is doing is not fair to you.


----------



## SSandy

I was about to start a new thread for self help... But I figured since most of my story is already aired out on here, I may as well just post my new thoughts and feelings. I am going through something over the last couple of weeks - I just want to express it somehow, somewhere.

I can't seem to say the exact words to my husband. In a roundabout way I tiptoe with the word divorce. I tell him the reasons I am unhappy. His health and actions have seriously slacked for a long time - we've already established this... But new thoughts and feelings have been taking over my brain. I'd like you guys to help pick me apart! 






The last thing on earth I’d ever want to do is hurt anybody. Really, I normally care more about other people than myself… But I honestly just can’t put into words what I am going through or what I am feeling inside. I am ashamed of my own thoughts; I am feeling guilty for having the thoughts and feelings that I have.

I have been somewhat repressing them and hoping they’ll go away instead of _truly_ expressing them. I can’t keep holding them in… As much as I hate to express anything that could potentially hurt anybody, I feel like I need to understand myself and my thoughts and feelings. I can't actually explain how I feel... I can't explain _*why*_ I feel how I feel… _How am I supposed to find the words?_

*I guess I have an incredible yearning for complete freedom... All of a sudden I want to be all alone, all the time.* I keep asking myself why? ...Then I think well maybe I never spent enough time alone to find out who I truly am. _Who am I? What do I want? Where do I see my life in 5 years? In 10 years?_

Why did so much change internally all of a sudden? Where did these feelings come from? How do I fix what I'm feeling?_ Do my feelings need to be fixed?_ I feel completely detached from people. And not careless, I deeply care about everyone's feelings... But I'm currently in a state of mind about caring about my own feelings! I am exploring my thoughts. I am just in my own world, focusing on myself for the very first time, and it's invigorating.

I love being alone. I love feeling free. I love the thought of forming my own hobbies, going on adventures… I feel like I am this one random human being amongst millions of people, just totally unknown and carefree. I want to grow. I want to travel. I want to meet new and interesting people. I want to make new friends, try new things, new foods, new experiences...

But I want to take it all in by myself. I don't know where this sudden burst came from, but I love it. It is making me feel guilty inside for how much I love the feeling. I feel torn... I really do not want to hurt a single soul on this planet or any of the people I love, but I want complete freedom!

I love the thought of relying on myself. I love the independent feeling I get. I love the possibility of exploring new things. I want to choose what makes me happy. I want to choose everything! I want to write the story to my own life, but suddenly I want to do it all alone. 

Maybe I am hitting a midlife crisis? I do not know. Is 28 too soon for a midlife crisis?

Maybe there is something that hasn't been meeting my wants and needs and suddenly I am able to fulfill them alone? I do not want a single soul to feel unappreciated, unloved, or like I do not care… I promise I do. But I am going through something; something that is changing my life. It’s changing my views, my wants, my goals…Where do I turn? What do I do?

Is it ok to express my want for complete freedom? Should I be ashamed for having these thoughts and feelings?


----------



## Blondilocks

You may be feeling burn out with your husband and fear of what the future will bring if you stay with him. 

Nix the shame - your feelings are your feelings. Could it be that your husband's lack of taking care of his health tells you that he really doesn't love you? That he's counting on you to be his nursemaid?


----------



## flyhigher

Hi there,
I've been following your post, but haven't commented because I wanted to say much of the same things as the other people here.
I remember you saying that you had lost quite a bit of weight recently. First of all, congrats on that! That's an amazing thing you've done for yourself; even if you couldn't drag your husband along with you.

I've seen many many people feel the way you feel after loosing large amounts of weight. It's common to see people loose friendships, family relationships, and yes, even romantic relationships because of big changes like that. As a heavier person, you're lifestyle is much different that when you are a "lighter" person. It seems to me like your body is NOW craving that you loose the "emotional" weight.. which is why you have these feeling to go on adventures and be alone and enjoy life and meet new people.

Your body is ready to take you places, and to help you live a FULL life. To me, that's what I'm reading from you. Your last post just made that clear to me.

You do NOT need to feel guilty about it. You should feel excited and proud of your bright future. If you're husband isn't going to change WITH you, than maybe it is time to let him go. Try to remember how difficult it is to change a complete lifestyle. Many many MANY people have a hard time maintaining a healthy lifestyle due to emotional issues/traumas that they refuse to address. The mind and body are powerful that way.

I"d like to recommend you buy your husband a book called, "The Gabriel Method" By Jon Gabriel.. it's about getting your mind and body to work together towards a healthy lifestyle. It doesn't deal directly with diabetes, but it's about teaching yourself to really WANT the change.. instead of trying to force it.. forcing him to force HIMSELF is never going to work. he needs to WANT it. As sorry as I am to say, I don't believe anything you do will convince him to WANT it. 

From the posts I read, I really do think it's in YOUR best interest to move on.
He needs to do this for himself, not for you..

Good luck!! I wish your happiness and health and many many adventures!! 
xo


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

What you're feeling is entirely normal. I suspect that you always had these yearnings, but believed that your husband would be doing these things right by your side, as a partner in adventure. You are just dreaming of the life you expected to have, before your husband's illnesses dragged you down a different path in life.

If there is nothing that could be done about those illnesses, then it's an 'in sickness and in health' sort of thing, and you'd both have to give up your dreams. But in your case, there IS much that could be done, and your husband is choosing not to do them. He's actively forcing you to give up those dreams by behaving the way he is.

The question you really have to ask yourself, and possibly him, is if he was deceiving you at the start of the relationship by making you believe he ever wanted those things? Would he still be a homebody even without his illnesses? In that case, you really did just marry the wrong guy, and his health is irrelevant.

Depression is an insidious thing though. I think part of your dilemma is the uncertainty of how much of your issues are intrinsically HIM and how much is the effect of the depression. Which you can't figure out unless he addresses the depression. Which being depressed makes him less likely to do.



SSandy said:


> Well, it went... I can't say it went well because he did not take it lightly. (I didn't expect him to, I worded my letter in the exact terms of how I am feeling and made it clear that I am seriously considering a divorce if no changes are made because I am just so unhappy.) The first night he did not sleep. He spent most of the night crying and pacing back and forth... And as bad as I felt about it, I think he needs to go through the emotions. I know I already have...


Yes, I think you have to knock him down to rock bottom, and make him STAY THERE long enough for it to sink in. You can't just give him a taste of it and lift him back up again. HE has to get out himself and be willing to stay out.



SSandy said:


> Since the letter, we have had *one* actual discussion about it. He is mainly focused on his depression... He said he is willing to _try_ therapy to see if it changes anything for him. He is going to get back on his medications... Again, these are all things I have heard many times before, so before I am jumping for joy I am just going to give it some time. He mainly asks me all sorts of questions... _Do you think we will end up divorced? Do you think you will find happiness if we do therapy? Do you think things will get better?_ and I just do not know how to answer them.


Of course you can't answer those. You can't predict the future and guarantee things will get better. All you can say is that if he DOESN'T do those things, he is guaranteed to lose you. And honestly, if those are his main concerns, it isn't going to work. He has to want to do these things for HIMSELF. If they also improve his current relationship, that's awesome, for you and him, or maybe he'll just be a better person for a future relationship.



SSandy said:


> Sometimes I feel like my mind is already made up, I am ready to go our separate ways... I don't feel like I will ever be able to motivate or encourage him to change his ways. I feel like we've already established these unhealthy roles in our relationship - for a very long time - and trying to become a "wife" after playing "mom" just isn't going to happen. _(Is it?)_ The entire dynamic of our relationship needs to shift... And he's honestly very happy with how things are. _He says that is why he is so shocked by really hearing how unhappy I am..._


That's just more denial on his part, same as he does with his illness. He saw all the signs of your unhappiness, but chose to convince himself they didn't mean anything bad.

The feeling of your mind being made up, that comes from not believing he's going to change, a belief developed over years of knowing him and seeing the patterns he follows. But if you're anything like me, you can't leave without the comfort of knowing you did everything you possibly could first.



SSandy said:


> I feel like I am ready to begin the separation... I mentioned it to him, I said I wanted to spend time apart, but we have not discussed any plans since... I would like him to move out - being that I live in my dad's first floor apartment - but he has avoided any further discussions about anything so far. Most nights he will say _"I feel devastated. My marriage is *the* most important thing in my life. I never imagined I'd hear any of this."_ It makes me feel uncomfortable.


He's not examining himself honestly. He's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear, that you're so important to him, etc. But those are words. His ACTIONS have told you that his own denial and laziness are the most important thing to him, not his health, not his marriage, not YOU. But he needs to see that for himself.

Moving out may well be the best way to keep him at rock bottom long enough to examine himself. Look into habitation issues, to figure out if your dad can legally evict him, or evict you both. Or he could stay there while you lived somewhere else. The time frame would have to be greater than previous timeframes that it took him to degenerate back into his old ways. If his previous efforts have lasted three months at most before he backslides, make the planned separation period six months. Thing is, you have to keep dating him and keep the relationship alive even if it isn't one of cohabitation at the moment. It isn't a full separation in the normal sense of marriage breakdown. If you really know the relationship is over, then that's a different series of choices.



SSandy said:


> I just feel like I have tried countless times in different ways to improve things - I don't know how he didn't notice? Also, if I was that important, I feel as though he would've changed a long time ago. I feel like my own thoughts are confused... I feel like there is a bitterness on my end. When he acts completely clueless and wowed by everything - I become defensive and want to argue all my efforts that have gone unnoticed. I don't, but I know it's bringing me to a resentful place.


He didn't notice because he didn't want to see.



SSandy said:


> Yeah, that's exactly how I'm feeling... Like he is going to make a temporary effort, like before, long enough for me to be quiet and go back to the way things were.  I just feel so lost...


He will do exactly that, make a temporary effort, unless you take action of your own to make it clear you won't accept that this time.


----------



## SSandy

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The question you really have to ask yourself, and possibly him, is if he was deceiving you at the start of the relationship by making you believe he ever wanted those things? Would he still be a homebody even without his illnesses? In that case, you really did just marry the wrong guy, and his health is irrelevant.


Thank you! I do question in my mind if he ever truly wanted those things in life... He is definitely a creature of habit and I started to question it a long time ago. He was obviously more adventurous in the beginning of our relationship (because that is always what brings people together.. The fun, the excitement, and the romance) but it quickly dwindled the more and more he got comfortable. My adventurous spontaneous side never changed even though his did... I just began doing less adventures _with him_ and more with my friends and cousins. My husband and I have sat in the same room together over the years, but there was always this lonely feeling that lingered in the room. 

It's hard trying to communicate with him about my feelings... Things like _Did I marry the wrong guy? ...Did I get married too young? ...Are we incompatible?_ Each time I bring anything up for discussion, I honestly do my best to always put myself in his shoes... I try to see things from his perspective, but I don't really understand how he makes the choices he makes. I don't understand the lack of effort. I don't understand the decision to _stop_ taking care of his health. I am sure he doesn't have an explanation or truly understand it either, I'm sure none of it was intentional, but the fact that he never stopped to wonder how it affected me hurts. I always think about how I may possibly affect him, no matter what I do or say... I feel like I am *asking* him to care about me AND himself, when he should have the entire time. 





Hopeful Cynic said:


> The feeling of your mind being made up, that comes from not believing he's going to change, a belief developed over years of knowing him and seeing the patterns he follows. But if you're anything like me, you can't leave without the comfort of knowing you did everything you possibly could first.


 I am making every effort I can before calling it quits. The last thing I ever wanted to do was experience the heartache I am feeling. I feel the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders. I feel like my husband expects me to *help* transform him into what I want, rather than get *himself* there. It's almost like he expects me to make a plan and he will just abide. That is the most frustrating part... *HE* needs to come up with his own plan of action, TAKE action, and get HIMSELF into a better place. He just isn't grasping it... It definitely pushes me away. I cannot word my thoughts and feelings in any other way - he just refuses to take responsibility for himself. 





Hopeful Cynic said:


> He will do exactly that, make a temporary effort, unless you take action of your own to make it clear you won't accept that this time.


 I do feel as though being separated will help him realize, on his own, that he needs to make the changes... Not only to potentially revive our relationship, but at the same time to really rely on himself and get himself in a positive and healthy place. I feel like he may never fully wake up or get his act together if I am always standing beside him with the hope of it happening. He already knows I will jump through hoops and help wherever I can, but that leaves me doing all the work and it isn't working anymore.

I brought up another conversation about him moving out... He said he needs a couple of weeks, which is totally fine and expected, but I do hope that he actually goes in a couple of weeks. He is the type to say that he will, but not actually have any intention on following through. His behavior tells me that he is only willing to change if he knows it will keep me around. That is the part I am struggling to deal with.


----------



## Openminded

Temporary change is easy. Permanent change is not. He's probably going to do what he feels is necessary in the moment but probably not long-term because he won't be doing any of it for himself. He's not a leader and so he expects you to be in charge of the marriage and of propping him up. In other words, you're in the "mom" role. If that's not how you want to spend your life then you'll have to end it because he's not likely going to do the hard work that's necessary. So make your plans and be ready.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@SSandy, how are things going?


----------



## jb02157

SSandy said:


> (He weighs 294 and his A1C is 9.6) He has never had great control over his diabetes, he suffers with horrible neuropathy in his hands and feet.


I have a diabetic daughter so I know alot about diabetes. I would be VERY concerned about his A1c. It should be about 7. Being routinely at 9.6 could certainly kill him. If he already has neuropathy in his hands and feet, his health is already starting to fail. He needs to immediately get his blood sugar under control or you may lose him.


----------



## SSandy

3Xnocharm said:


> @SSandy, how are things going?


 Things are just staying the same... I am completely *miserable* and don't know what else to do with my situation. My husband has started checking his blood regularly, he's been eating better, and all week his blood readings have not gone above 180. (He's making an effort, that I can't deny.)

I haven't had to remind him at all.. He's been making the changes on his own. I am really glad to see him taking the steps to get himself healthier! I think it's long overdue and he's coming around in that aspect.

I can't help but feel like I still want to be alone. I don't know what is wrong with me... It's like our marriage has become so dull for so long that I just feel so disconnected. I made this argument so many times and after having so many discussions about my feelings; I just can't seem to change the fact that I still want freedom. 

I just feel like I want space. I still don't feel compatible, even though he's trying, and I just can't have *another* dreadful conversation about it. I don't know why I am so detached emotionally, but I can't seem to bring it back. We begin individual therapy for ourselves next week and I honestly don't know what I will get out of it. 

I feel as though I've justified a million reasons to go and now can't find one to stay. I thought I wanted to make every effort for things to work, but maybe I don't? I just can't picture our relationship booming again. I don't feel happy in his company. Maybe it's just the timing and what is going on? Maybe I'm depressed? I don't know. 

Right now I am feeling like I just want out. I want to just pack my bags and run far away and start over...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I'm glad to read he is making an improvement keeping his levels consistent. I hope it becomes a habit he keeps up no matter what, for himself. 

Don't be so hard on yourself about what you are feeling. Maybe it would help to give yourself a timeframe? If in say like, six weeks, he is still doing well but you are still feeling this same way, give yourself permission to end it. If you are starting to feel some hope then give it another six.


----------



## farsidejunky

I agree with @3Xnocharm. Set a timeline. 

However, I think you are simply putting off the inevitable.


----------



## SSandy

Thanks @3Xnocharm and @farsidejunky ... Maybe you're right, maybe I do need to set a timeframe.. I am trying to take it day by day. It's so hard to put into words what I am currently feeling. I see his efforts and I am so very proud that he's doing the right thing for himself as far as his diabetes goes.. It just hasn't changed anything in our relationship. Not that I expect it would overnight, but it hasn't ignited a single spark for me.

I wanted to be more excited about it, but I truly feel as though the effort is coming from a place of _"let me prove this to her so she is happy"_ more than his own want to get healthy. Does that make sense? His whole demeanor and attitude feels like that since I brought any of this up.. I just don't see how things will _get better_.. It's not connecting us, his communication hasn't changed at all, and nothing is making me *feel* good.

I still feel lonely.. We can sit together in the same room, but we have nothing to talk about it. He doesn't initiate any kind of conversation with me and he just waits for me to try.. I feel as though he enjoys the silence, it doesn't bother him.. But for me, I feel uncomfortable and alone. I feel disappointment. I question why things have gotten to this silent point. I often wonder, _does this happen to most couples?_

When it comes to the splitting end of things, I feel as though our financial aspect is what is causing us to avoid that road. I mentioned to him about moving out.. He said to me _"I will need a couple of weeks to get some money together. I also need to contact some friends or relatives about staying somewhere because I have poor credit and will struggle to rent an apartment elsewhere."_ Ok, I understand. I agreed to give him the time needed, but I expected him to actually be looking.

He hasn't contacted any of his family members.. He did not tell them about anything going on between us. (Neither have I, in my opinion that is up to him.) I did inform my own family - _my parents, sister, and closest cousins_ - but more as an outlet than anything else.. Either way, our finances are barely comfortable between the two of us *now*, never mind when we're separated and have our own income to rely on. I think that is the major hold up.

I'm not worried about it. I'm able to budget, I am willing to sacrifice the fancy cable packages and cell phone data to lessen my costs and afford what I need to afford.. My husband seems to be having major stress about this whole topic. He is not good at managing money. He makes great money, but if I didn't take responsibility for bill paying and prioritizing he would spend like mad. (Just some more child-like behaviors if you ask me.)

Anyway, I don't know how to approach the topic again about wanting space. I know the struggle.. I understand that taking on an apartment, car payment, car insurance, phones, cable, electric, etc. isn't an easy task for a single person, *but* people do it everyday. We just have to figure it out! He could most likely stay with family? I just want him to get himself on his feet.. _And get out!_ That's how I'm feeling. _I'm awful, I know._

I feel like I've just hit a wall.. I truly know inside and out what I want, which is a divorce, but I don't have the heart to break his. He's cried so hard the handful of times I've talked about anything.. He hasn't made any effort to give me the space I really want.. I just don't have any clue how to take the final step and reach my goal. 

I will give it time. I appreciate your feedback, as always. I truly need it! Even calling me out on my lack of effort.. I know I am constantly indecisive. This situation has me feeling *crazy.* I just want it to come to an end so I can breathe. Hopefully I don't sound heartless. I don't mean for any of this to come off that way..


----------



## SSandy

Finally! I have some good news...

My husband and I went to Sebago Lake in Maine this weekend. (For those of you who are from up north or familiar, maybe you've heard of it?) Anyway, we spent the long weekend with his brother and his family. We went out on his boat, swam, hiked some trails, had cookouts, and we sat around the fire at the end of the night... It was exactly what I needed!

We had a great weekend! And not so much with each other, but with the people we were surrounded by - which was just as refreshing. When we got home on Monday night my husband said to me "I'd like to talk to you about something." And of course I was quite surprised... _Oh my! *He* wants to talk to me?_ I couldn't wait to hear what he wanted to talk to me about...

So he sat me down and he said _"I want you to know that I will always love you, even if we're not *in love* with each other. I feel like you are my best friend and I don't want that to change. I came to the realization that our marriage has become a friendship. We deeply care about each other, but we are not in love. We have no chemistry, no spark, and no intimacy... I will take responsibility and blame for most things, I know that I did not prioritize my marriage the way I should have. I know you have *always* tried and I don't want you to feel like I never noticed. But I want you to know that I would like to split mutually and remain friends. The bond you have with my nieces is very important to me, and to them, I do not want your relationship to change. I want you and I to stay in contact, I don't want to lose my best friend... I just want us to be able to find someone who fulfills all of the things for us that we did not fulfill together."_

I was so happy to hear that - it's exactly how I've been feeling for a while! It's like he reached in and finally read my mind. I feel a sense of relief, understanding, and just overall peace. I'm happy to say that there is hope for *happy endings*. I couldn't have prayed any harder for things to go in such a peaceful way than they have! I love that we finally have a mutual feeling of _growing apart_ and it has brought us to the conclusion of just being friends.

0 

Now we are working on wrapping up the details of our relationship. We are helping each other figure out our living situations.. We are talking about when we are going to finalize our divorce... He wants to go out to dinner afterward? _Odd? But I will take it! lol_ I am just at total peace that this has finally all happened in the way I've been praying. Thank you *all* for your support along the way! I wouldn't have kept my sanity without you.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

SSandy said:


> Finally! I have some good news...
> 
> My husband and I went to Sebago Lake in Maine this weekend. (For those of you who are from up north or familiar, maybe you've heard of it?) Anyway, we spent the long weekend with his brother and his family. We went out on his boat, swam, hiked some trails, had cookouts, and we sat around the fire at the end of the night... It was exactly what I needed!
> 
> We had a great weekend! And not so much with each other, but with the people we were surrounded by - which was just as refreshing. When we got home on Monday night my husband said to me "I'd like to talk to you about something." And of course I was quite surprised... _Oh my! *He* wants to talk to me?_ I couldn't wait to hear what he wanted to talk to me about...
> 
> So he sat me down and he said _"I want you to know that I will always love you, even if we're not *in love* with each other. I feel like you are my best friend and I don't want that to change. I came to the realization that our marriage has become a friendship. We deeply care about each other, but we are not in love. We have no chemistry, no spark, and no intimacy... I will take responsibility and blame for most things, I know that I did not prioritize my marriage the way I should have. I know you have *always* tried and I don't want you to feel like I never noticed. But I want you to know that I would like to split mutually and remain friends. The bond you have with my nieces is very important to me, and to them, I do not want your relationship to change. I want you and I to stay in contact, I don't want to lose my best friend... I just want us to be able to find someone who fulfills all of the things for us that we did not fulfill together."_
> 
> I was so happy to hear that - it's exactly how I've been feeling for a while! It's like he reached in and finally read my mind. I feel a sense of relief, understanding, and just overall peace. I'm happy to say that there is hope for *happy endings*. I couldn't have prayed any harder for things to go in such a peaceful way than they have! I love that we finally have a mutual feeling of _growing apart_ and it has brought us to the conclusion of just being friends.
> 
> 0
> 
> Now we are working on wrapping up the details of our relationship. We are helping each other figure out our living situations.. We are talking about when we are going to finalize our divorce... He wants to go out to dinner afterward? _Odd? But I will take it! lol_ I am just at total peace that this has finally all happened in the way I've been praying. Thank you *all* for your support along the way! I wouldn't have kept my sanity without you.


I'm sad for you that it didn't work out, but it's good that you're both recognizing and agreeing that the marriage wasn't a good fit for either of you. I'm happy that you're getting to move on. You're young, so you'll find someone that is a better fit for your lifestyle. Best wishes to you!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Ssandy, this is so good to read, I am so glad that you are getting to have a peaceful closure!


----------



## farsidejunky

Wow. I did not expect that.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Ol'Pal

Wow! as sad as it is to go your separate ways, it sounds like it went as well as could have been expected, at least up to this point.


----------



## flyhigher

Haha! I wish my story ended this way!


----------



## wilson

I'm _very_ impressed with what he said to you. It would be great if all breakups could happen like this. Essentially, recognizing the feelings that you have and once had, but also acknowledging that things are no longer working out. I hope the friendship lasts.


----------



## SSandy

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I'm sad for you that it didn't work out, but it's good that you're both recognizing and agreeing that the marriage wasn't a good fit for either of you. I'm happy that you're getting to move on. You're young, so you'll find someone that is a better fit for your lifestyle. Best wishes to you!


Thank you! I couldn't have asked for a better ending to our relationship. It has been such a huge relief and weight lifted off my shoulders knowing we are on the same page. I am just so excited about the future!


----------



## SSandy

3Xnocharm said:


> Ssandy, this is so good to read, I am so glad that you are getting to have a peaceful closure!


Thank you! I can't even express how great it truly feels to be able to understand each other and be on the same page about things coming to an end. He has began expressing himself more, we both totally agree about everything, and it's put us both in a much better place.

I feel so lucky to have been able to communicate things in a way that this didn't end tragically or ugly... Wrapping up the final details hasn't been a struggle yet either, which is such a relief. We seem to agree on pretty much everything! Just a complete hallelujah feeling!


----------



## SSandy

farsidejunky said:


> Wow. I did not expect that.


I know! I honestly never expected it to happen either... I was totally shocked. He is not usually one to express himself, never mind for us to be in complete mutual agreement about everything, it was such a huge sigh of relief.


----------



## SSandy

Ol'Pal said:


> Wow! as sad as it is to go your separate ways, it sounds like it went as well as could have been expected, at least up to this point.


Thank you! I pray that things continue to go well... So far, so good! We have gotten along better *now* than we have in a very long time! I think he must feel just as relieved as I do... The elephant is no longer lingering in the room. Us separating hasn't been too emotional. I feel like we've lived as _friends_ or _roommates_ for so long that it just feels so much better to have acknowledged that.

I think we will be able to maintain a healthy friendship with one another. Like he said, we do care about each other, we are just not in love. We have each other's best interest in mind and I think we always will - it felt really good to hear that from him. I will keep updating as things go on - but so far things have gone better than I could've ever asked for.


----------



## SSandy

wilson said:


> I'm _very_ impressed with what he said to you. It would be great if all breakups could happen like this. Essentially, recognizing the feelings that you have and once had, but also acknowledging that things are no longer working out. I hope the friendship lasts.


Thank you! I was truly impressed with what he said as well. I always dreamt of things going this smoothly, but never imagined it was actually possible. In reality, most times it is not a completely mutual decision to split. I always felt like maybe I was the one pushing away and he was holding on - but the more time that had passed - I think he truly processed a lot of the things I said to him during our talks.

I think he realizes that he needs to adjust his lifestyle, make his health a priority, and maintain his relationships with people differently. He has been expressing himself so much more (He also began individual therapy! *shocking!*) He was always against the whole idea of therapy, but it has truly changed his perspective and attitude! It's amazing.

He came to completely understand where I was coming from and he completely feels the same way. It's so rejuvinating. I never expected it! I do hope our friendship lasts... I have faith that it will since our communication has greatly improved and we're able to be completely honest and also _agree_ with each other on how we're feeling.


----------



## WonkyNinja

SSandy said:


> Thank you! I pray that things continue to go well... So far, so good! We have gotten along better *now* than we have in a very long time! I think he must feel just as relieved as I do... The elephant is no longer lingering in the room. Us separating hasn't been too emotional. I feel like we've lived as _friends_ or _roommates_ for so long that it just feels so much better to have acknowledged that.
> 
> I think we will be able to maintain a healthy friendship with one another. Like he said, we do care about each other, we are just not in love. We have each other's best interest in mind and I think we always will - it felt really good to hear that from him. I will keep updating as things go on - but so far things have gone better than I could've ever asked for.


I hope that things continue to go so well for you. 

Do remember that there will probably be bumps in the road as the reality sets in and it may take work and self restraint to keep the amicable split up going. However it will be worth the effort to keep it amicable if you can. 

I would suggest that when dividing stuff up just hold out for the things that matter. If something can be replaced with a trip to Target or whatever it isn't worth arguing over.

At some point you are going to come around to dating again. Be careful be discrete about it, that will be a tough one for him to deal with.


----------

