# The delusion that comes with an affair



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Talk to me about affair fog and the absolute delusion that comes with an affair.

This is not to make an excuse for anyone who has had an affair so let me make that clear.

As most here know, my husband had a long affair. We are reconciling, things are good, I am good. 

What I am having a problem reconciling in my head is the absolute delusion that my husband was living in during his affair. 

It felt as if I was living with a complete stranger. Attitude changes, grooming changes, eating changes, what he watched on tv, hell he even got 2 speeding tickets and an accident when he’s normally a grandpa driver! 

When the affair ended - which I blew up on social media - that persona seemed to die that day. He told me he never realized how different he had become or what delusion he was living under until he was forced to face it.

Within weeks my “normal” husband was back. It was like this stranger had moved in for a while until my husband returned home from leave. 

I am not in any way saying any kind of delusion or affair fog excuses an affair. He did what he did and there’s never an excuse or way to change that.

I’m just curious if anyone else noticed such a marked change in their spouse that seemed so absolutely foreign that it was like being around a stranger and then they “came back” after the affair ended.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> I’m just curious if anyone else noticed such a marked change in their spouse that seemed so absolutely foreign that it was like being around a stranger and then they “came back” after the affair ended.


Yep. She was in complete la-la land. Fully had given herself permission to lead a compartmentalized life. She wanted to have me to pay the bills, take care of the boys, make sure all the "honey-do" (dear God, even 33 years later, that word "honey" makes me want to vomit) list was complete..... while having fun with her mid-life-crisis playboy (who was in a similar delusional mode), riding motorcycle, etc....

I'll never forget how he showed up once (I worked with him) in his Don Johnson Miami Vice suit. Lord, did I ever LMAO. He was Mr. Green Teeth with a bald head and pot belly. Not exactly Sonny Crockett....

And, to beat all......she thought I would actually allow this..... I moved out, didn't come back for 4 months, until she "came back" to reality. Reality came quickly when her POSOM dumped her selfish a$$....if he hadn't had his "wake-up", I don't know if she would have ever "came back". I think his call-to-reality was when he figured out that he was going to be supporting 2 kids and a wife on a welder's wage and living somewhere other than the home he built.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TJW said:


> Yep. She was in complete la-la land. Fully had given herself permission to lead a compartmentalized life. She wanted to have me to pay the bills, take care of the boys, make sure all the "honey-do" (dear God, even 33 years later, that word "honey" makes me want to vomit) list was complete..... while having fun with her mid-life-crisis playboy (who was in a similar delusional mode), riding motorcycle, etc....
> 
> I'll never forget how he showed up once (I worked with him) in his Don Johnson Miami Vice suit. Lord, did I ever LMAO. He was Mr. Green Teeth with a bald head and pot belly. Not exactly Sonny Crockett....
> 
> And, to beat all......she thought I would actually allow this..... I moved out, didn't come back for 4 months, until she "came back" to reality. Reality came quickly when her POSOM dumped her selfish a$$....if he hadn't had his "wake-up", I don't know if she would have ever "came back". I think his call-to-reality was when he figured out that he was going to be supporting 2 kids and a wife on a welder's wage and living somewhere other than the home he built.


Did you stay together?


----------



## Uncred (Dec 30, 2018)

I haven't stayed long enough to experience the fog from my cheating ex, but in my opinion the "fog" is bs. People cheat for different reasons, but all of them have selfishness as common trait. And in every case they know exactly what they're doing. 

During the affair they act differently because the relationship with ap is new, and at the beginning of any new relationship, people tend to put more effort to show the best side of themselves. 

After all comes crashing down, many cheaters are in the "fog". Basically they're in love with the ap, and when they "come back", most of the times it's because the ap wasn't that great after all.

Ofc this doesn't apply for serial cheaters or aps that see each other once per month. They're in just for good and new sex.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Did you stay together?


In the sense that we lived in the same house and co-parented our sons, yes. In the sense that we were ever again married, emotionally, and physically, no. You might say it was an "emotional divorce", without lawyers and crippling support bills for me.

When she was given the choice between self-justification and repentance, she chose to continue her blame-shifting.

I hope she enjoyed it. She lost someone who was a very good husband. Not perfect, but good.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

That's interesting. I don't think it usually works that way. It sounds like you got your "old husband back" and that's just not the norm. It's like it could be rationalized he had a non-consequential mid-life crisis, and again, it doesn't work that way. For you, I hope that is the case, and that there was this temporary dark side of him that came out, was exorcised, and he's now his normal self again. Even if that were true, it still doesn't restore you to your normal self again. Hopefully you have the inner strength to deal with this. Most would not.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Casual Observer said:


> That's interesting. I don't think it usually works that way. It sounds like you got your "old husband back" and that's just not the norm. It's like it could be rationalized he had a non-consequential mid-life crisis, and again, it doesn't work that way. For you, I hope that is the case, and that there was this temporary dark side of him that came out, was exorcised, and he's now his normal self again. Even if that were true, it still doesn't restore you to your normal self again. Hopefully you have the inner strength to deal with this. Most would not.


I definitely don’t see it as a mid life crisis. Or that my marriage returned to normal as soon as the affair was over. Not by any stretch of the imagination. 

I’m speaking more along the lines of the fact that his personality, mannerisms, etc., were one way pre affair. During, it was like I was living with a stranger. So many things about his personality were strange. It was like I came home to a different person living here one day. Within weeks of the affair ending, the old personality (pre-affair) was back. Like he’d just been on vacation for a while. 

Thinking back to how he was during that time, it’s hard to reconcile this same human with the person I live with now. It’s almost like separate personalities. No, everything is not back to perfect, but it’s like the person who was here for a while finally left. It’s a very hard, strange thing to describe. 

And honestly, I do have the inner strength to deal with this. For a while I wasn’t sure and I was in a horrible place mentally. I decided to take my own life back and deal with my demons and what happened in my marriage. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. Happier than I’ve been in a LONG time. Sure, I’m still figuring some things out. Probably won’t happen overnight, but I decided to recommit myself to me, and I’m at peace with that decision.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It’s kind of like going backwards in maturity. 

Remember when you were a kid in school, and you obsessed about all the things you knew about your crush, his/her favorite food, bands, sports etc. and suddenly YOU love all those things too? 

Immaturity at its best.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Spicy said:


> Remember when you were a kid in school, and you obsessed about all the things you knew about your crush, his/her favorite food, bands, sports etc. and suddenly YOU love all those things too?


Interesting. 

I wonder if that's what the betrayed spouse's gut instinct picks up on?


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> Interesting.
> 
> I wonder if that's what the betrayed spouse's gut instinct picks up on?


My husbands affair was off and on. I had very strong suspicions and some proof but not concrete proof. I could tell when it was “on” and tell when it was “off”. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what, but there was always a change in aura, attitude and personality when it was “on”. I didn’t realize it quite fully then. Looking back now, I was definitely picking up on the vibes that were coming from this personality shift.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I definitely don’t see it as a mid life crisis. Or that my marriage returned to normal as soon as the affair was over. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
> 
> I’m speaking more along the lines of the fact that his personality, mannerisms, etc., were one way pre affair. During, it was like I was living with a stranger. So many things about his personality were strange. It was like I came home to a different person living here one day. Within weeks of the affair ending, the old personality (pre-affair) was back. Like he’d just been on vacation for a while.
> 
> ...


My ex became a completely different person, she never returned. 

A very good friend of mine and coworker at the time started becoming a different person and you could tell he was starting down the road of an affair with another coworker. The more time they spent together the more he started dressing different, he started losing weight and working out and not very much fun to be around during the time. He was becoming more of a jerk the longer it was going on. He doesn't know it but was on the verge of getting fired over the situation. 

His wife could see the changes in him also and was asking me what was going on at work, she knew something was amiss. It never became a full blown affair but was an ea for sure even though my friend didn't believe it. Everyone in the building could see where it was leading. I had more than one heated discussion with him about it and he started accusing me of "wanting" this woman, almost mate guarding, it was just weird who he became during this time. 

Woman was much younger, married and having marriage problems and knew how to play a guy to get what she wanted and she was playing him. My friends wife who can be a major not nice person when she wants made his life a nightmare and made more than one scene at work telling her to stay away from him. 

Eventually my friend turned back into his old self as they quit working together. He quit working out and gained back the weight too.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> Interesting.
> 
> I wonder if that's what the betrayed spouse's gut instinct picks up on?


I have pondered on this same thing forever. There are some people I know where they didn’t do this drastic changing, but most did, it’s so bizarre. 

For instance, my MIL went from always sharp dressed, top 40s, average type woman. When she left my FIL for a “cowboy” ten years younger than her, she became a completely different person. Obsessed with country music, started dressing like a rodeo hick, drinking and brawling, and I could go on and on. Once out of the fog, she returned to normal. It’s so bizarre...and the word immature just constantly comes to my head.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe it's not a fog so much as they are the kind of people who don't have a core personality and kind of shape their personality around the person they want to like them. Which fits with how someone who is really insecure would behave, and lot of people cheat because of deep insecurity. 

I don't believe in the fog. I think it's the normal endorphin driven bonding that happens during a new relationship, so once you get that far you are already way down the cheating path. It's not like some fog rolls up and they get sucked into it.


----------



## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

this is a great thread. 

the cheater cannot hide behavioral responses. they can hide social media, they can have burner phones, they can have private credit cards, they can have perfect alibis and even some supporters who help cover for them. 

what they can't hide is who and what they are. it's right there. i'm convinced the "gut reaction" is the result of being in tune with the underlying, subconscious behavior that suddenly shifts when the cheater is involved with someone else.


----------

