# Sudden separation - What do I do??!



## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Hello,

Thankyou in advance for taking the time to read and reply to my story. I'm sorry if it's just another of so many similar stories. I am so lost and have been combing the internet for a story like mine for some answers,

I am 28, my husband 29, together for 8 years, married for 4. Our relationship did change when we married and moved in together. As expected I guess, the excitement faded and life got serious. 

A month ago I approached my husband about his rather sudden drop in affection. He told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore and 4 days later he told me he believed he never would again, that trying to work on our relationship wouldn't work and he left. During those 4 days, I discovered he was involved in an emotional affair with a 22 year old employee. He is her boss. When I confronted him about it, he said what is going on with her is completely separate and even if he never saw her again, this would still be happening between us. He even came to her defence, describing her as a "very mature" 22 year old. Typical male compartmentalising. He has completely shut down emotionally, I almost feel like he's "friend-zoned" me instantly. Very typical behaviour of the man I know.

I know guilt is a stage of grief, but I truly believe I played a big role in pushing my husband into another woman's arms. Our sex life was almost non existent, my insecurities caused me to put my other relationships first to feel better about myself and took him for granted and I wasn't very approachable when it came to talking about serious stuff. Though I know this isn't an excuse for him not coming to me with his doubts and feelings for someone else. 
I have told him as much.

I feel like I have been through a huge personal overhaul and understand my actions were about how I felt about myself, not him, and it just feels so unfair that we are not being given a chance to see what can be rebuilt with our problems being laid out in the open and when we are communicating better than ever before. But if he doesn't feel love, I can't control that.

Once the initial and intense pain subsided, I decided I wanted to fight for our marriage. We have met a few times since he left, I feel like I have said all I need to say and have pretty much received the same from him each time. It's not my fault, he just stopped feeling the love and he's so sure he can't love me again. He speaks so emotionless about separating our finances and selling our home. One strange thing was, that last time we met, he said he thought I asked to meet because I was going to tell him that I'd slept with someone?!?

I'm so torn because if he was feeling unloved and undesired, I want to show him how much I do love and desire him. If there was already distance between us, I feel like this separation will only confirm his decision. But I also know I shouldn't give him much, if anything at all at the moment. I just keep coming back to how sure he is. It just doesn't feel right giving up without doing anything just because he wants out but I don't.

Thankyou so much.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you exposed the affair to family? Is OW married?

He's her boss... hmmm, not very ethical.

Your husband wondered if you slept with someone else. That's not strange. His liminal consciousness would like to keep you as a plan B womb. Also, he is wondering if you are attractive to other men.

Have you read about the 180?

An axiom that many recognize: the person who wants the relationship less has all the power. The greater the desire of the rejected partner for the elusive heart of the person leaving, the greater their control of the relationship.

By ending that imbalance of power you may awake your husband attraction for you. Begging won't do it. Neediness will just drive him away.

Since you have no children, why not just go dark on him? Cease all contact that doesn't deal with divorce. Do not give him a smidgen of love or affection. His parents should know that he has left you for a younger woman. Don't expect support from them. But it may be unpleasant for your husband nonetheless. Right now the affair is only smiles and sex. Once it is publicly disapproved it may be a drag.

Does your husband work for a firm with a policy forbidding sexual harassment?


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Have you exposed the affair to family? Is OW married?
> 
> He's her boss... hmmm, not very ethical.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for your reply. Yes my family and his know about his feelings for his employee. My parents are obviously furious and very shocked. They loved him like a son. He is back with his parents and apparently his mum is giving him a horrible time about this girl. But he keeps explaining to her how separate his issues with me are to her.

I have read about the 180. I'm just so scared that extending the distance will make him more sure about this and make him feel like if I am getting over it, he is free to pursue this girl further/more seriously. A very typical fear I guess.

Thankyou again.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

What I like best about the 180 is that it's the best course of action for both reconciling AND moving on with your life without him. So it seems like the only win/win choice you get to make in divorce or separation!

One thing you have to accept is that this is all gonna end how it's gonna end, and all you can do is try your best. One thing I wish I'd accepted earlier in my marriage is that you can't single-handedly make things go your way. So don't be as stubborn and myopic in considering things as I was.

See a therapist. You feel like you physically and emotionally pushed your new H away because of insecurities (physical? emotional? A good therapist will help you tease out the origin if you don't know it). You definitely want to deal with that for your own sake. 

Work out! Exercise, fresh air. I took up a new hobby last year (working on my boat, including the outboard engine), and wow did I love it. Plus it gave me a big confidence boost (and confidence to shift from forward to reverse without stalling! Ha!).

Keep reminding yourself that in the end, either you'll end up with a better marriage or a new you ready to find another relationship. It will all be ok. Do you need a link to the 180? If you do an internet search, you'll find it. It's everywhere.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Write your husband a goodbye note:

There is a terrific let them go letter that you should read. 

Remember that although your husband believes his done with you, he does not know his own heart completely. The truth can come suddenly but you cannot be at all certain of it. Going dark will make you more prominent in his mind. You must fake it till you make it.



> "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I am doubtful about his affair not being a physical one, no matter what he says.

But you are right in saying that you can't force him to want to fix the marriage or try again. He has to want to, and be 100% committed-which clearly he is not. There is not much you can do, unless you feel like waiting around to see how his new relationship works out...not a great idea and no guarantee he would want you back anyway. Call a lawyer...move on with your life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Much rather than EA, this has long-term PA absolutely written all over it! I would venture to guess that your H's cheating has been going on for quite a while now!

He's already given you a vague version of his "ILYBINILWY!" This OW is now getting his attention as you have been nothing more than his "Plan B!" 

Since there are obviously no kids borne of this union, I'd greatly chalk it up to experience, let go, execute "the 180," and move on! He doesn't deserve you!

You deserve love in your life, and there is a young man out there who would absolutely give his eye teeth to have a loving woman like you in his life! 

I wish you well, my dear!*


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

I am sorry your going through this. Your story is so similar to mine. I know it sucks. Let's hang in there.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou for all your replies.

I am going to try my hardest to do the 180. I am feeling very angry today. I felt cleansed after I laid out all my thoughts and feelings to him about what I believe I did to lead us here and how much I've learned. I feel like I didn't get enough from him in return. I feel like even though I could have done a lot of things differently, I didn't deserve this. To be deserted without giving it another shot. I didn't deserve to be cheated on. Even though he is adamant he is not a "cheater". He gets very defensive whenever that word is used. To make himself feel better I guess. I'm so worried about this anger turning back into pain. I feel like he should know about my anger. But I know it's no use and goes against the 180. I just want him to hurry up and realise how wrong what he has done is and for him to be out of the "affair fog".

If he would prefer to be with a 22 year old that would involve herself this way wither married boss, over someone like me, with morals, why am I bothering? This is so far from the man I have known for the last 10 years.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

He isn't the man you thought he was. That man would not involve himself with another woman and hurt you. 

He may or may not stay with this woman but that does not mean he will want to reunite. Or maybe he will- do you want to be his second choice, or person to fall back on? He does not deserve that option, not unless he invests time and effort by attending counseling with you and proving he deserves another chance.

Don't wait for the big revelation to hit him, that he has done wrong and owes you apologies, etc...it may never happen. Especially if he is lying about an affair. He won't want to admit to that later on. He will be more likely to make sure you feel the blame.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Jane.

I don't even know if reconciliation is what I'm hoping for at the moment. I think I want him to feel guilt. I think I feel like he hasn't taken responsibility for what he's done and the way he's conducted and is conducting himself. I feel like he's getting away Scott free.

As silly as it sounds I don't think I've even considered myself as being the "second choice". How naive. I just saw it as coming to his senses. The things we do to protect ourselves hey.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

You never finish knowing people. Regarthless of the outcome, and 'am hoping the best for you, one positive thing is that you don't have children and you are still Young. If the wrost happens you'll have other chances to fall in love again and with someone that will really appreciate you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Oh I am so sorry. This road you going down is a long and lonely one. And oh so painful. 

I agree with Arbitrator. When my Xh left me, I suspected an EA. When I confronted him about it, he led me to believe that he had feelings for her, but she didn't reciprocate them. Turned out it was a complete lie...it was a PA. And I really wish I had known that before we divorced. Just so I wouldn't have been as nice about it. 

And of course now that I know...he actually seems to believe that because I am not perfect I should somehow be more understanding about his cheating. 

Here's the thing...did I have a role in our relationship being so unstable? Yes. Absolutely. But his responsibility was to confront me about my role. Insist on mc, tell me what was bothering etc. He didn't do any of those things. Instead he cheated. At at the point...it didn't matter what my responsibility was in the relationship. The dynamic completely changed. 

So yes. I am working on my own issues and my own role in the rockiness of the marriage. But I won't take responsibility for the end of my marriage. That's all on him. 

So I think the 180 is the best approach for yourself. You have to get away from the situation for a while. At that point you can decided if you actually want him back. But you need to put yourself in the position of being able to evaluate that honestly and you aren't there. (I know this because even after 7 months there is still a part of my that wants him back...even though I know that I was miserable and unhappy and by him leaving I have a chance of finding a good quality man that he never was.) 

As for right now ask your self these questions:
Do you want him back if he doesn't love you?
Do you want him back if he will continue the affair with his subordinate?
Do you want him back if he won't attempt to communicate effectively with you? 

My guess is you are going to say no all three questions. But even if it's only one "no" then you need to give him time to get his head on straight. The 180 and going dark is the only way to do it. 

And then I'm going to go back to my original statement, "I am so sorry." Because honestly, I have to say losing my husband this way was worse than if he had died.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

I know your pain, I think we all do. You've come to the right place. This board has been a godsend for me, I've come so far. I used to make post after post of probably the same thing everyday, and everyone was so comforting and understanding. 

I think you will come to find your story is very similar to others and that too helps in a way because you realize that all those "what ifs" can't possibly be true because you see everyone have some of the same thoughts and fears and they made it and are all the better for it. It's normal to feel those things is what I'm saying, but they hold no value---and don't let your ex tell you different. They will try bc it relieves their own guilt. 

I lost my husband to another woman (she was 11 years younger than us) my ex was her boss as well.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou so much everyone. I'm sorry to hear so many people going through such similar situations. I just want to be at the end of this road. Even if it is without him, which I believe it probably will be.

I go through patches of feeling strong, them I see his action on our bank account, as they are still joint, and I feel all hopeless again. Creating horrible stories in my head. Is he spending the money I earned on her? Is he getting cash from an ATM so I can't see where he's spending? Because he never gets cash out. These are just the tip of the iceberg of stories I am constantly coming up with in my head. It's the most awful feeling in the world.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

I know the feeling of wondering what he's doing with that money. My ex left me, and our son - and he cleared out the bank accounts and quit his job. We didn't see a penny for 3 months - and even now - he finds ways to stop payments. It drives me insane to think he is spending the money on his girlfriends (he has had several now) and just forgets about his child - and me. 

Can you close the joint account, or at least get your name off of it - so he doesn't get into financial issues with the account, and then you'll be held responsible b/c your name is there?


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

It's a bit hard to separate finances at the moment. We have multiple accounts and a mortgage all joint. We were going on an overseas trip with friends in 3 weeks time. I am still going, he is obviously not. I think there is an unspoken agreement that we will keep all that kind of stuff the same until I return. Not looking forward to that part of it. Especially when he speaks so emotionless about it. Almost like he can't wait. It hurts so much that over a period of 4 days, this man I thought I was so lucky to have can tell me he doesn't love me anymore and be so ready to be completely separate from me.

I know emotionally shutting down to the person involved in the situation with him is the way he deals. But this isn't just any old situation. We are married! I feel like I am waiting for the penny to drop. Not necessarily to come back to me. But just to think, hey, they way I did this was really sh*t. It just feels so so fast.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I am so sorry that you are here. Do not put another penny in your joint account.

File for a D before your trip. Make it real for him.

He is in a fantasy..... blow it up.... make it real.

Give defiant people what they want, in the end ir rarely ever turns out as they

had planned.

If you have not read this yet........

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Chuck.

Our finances are so intertwined with paying bills and and our mortgage, AND he is a bank manager. As much as I wish, it is far to difficult to separate our finances 3 weeks before I go over seas.

I am in Australia so can't filed for D for a year..

What a mess.

I am implementing the 180. I haven't initiated any contact and I didn't answer a call from him yesterday and haven't followed up. I know the phone call would have been regarding a financial matter, which is ok to address during the 180, but since he left I've been so available and responsive, I thought I'd take the opportunity to start the new pattern. I am expecting to hear from him again today.

In my anger I want so badly to expose the affair with his employee, but deep down I feel like I don't want to be responsible for doing that and what the repercussions might be for him. Not so much out misplaced love, but a bit out of dignity. I'd like to live with the fact that I handled myself respectfully during this difficult time, and be able watch (maybe with a tiny smile) from a distance when it crashes down. Does that sound crazy?

Extra little side note- I'm struggling with the idea that during the 180 or any form of "showing your ex what they've lost", that we should appear independent. But I have also read a lot about a big motivation for men is to feel needed. This has me stumped. Can anyone shed any light on this?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

From what I have always heard on TAM, if you want the affair to be over

expose, exposé, expose..... it kills the fantasy

I'm not from Au but can you tell me why you could not set up a separate account

within the next three weeks.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Write your husband a goodbye note:
> 
> There is a terrific let them go letter that you should read.
> 
> Remember that although your husband believes his done with you, he does not know his own heart completely. The truth can come suddenly but you cannot be at all certain of it. Going dark will make you more prominent in his mind. You must fake it till you make it.


Sorry that you are going through this. You cannot make someone work on the marriage unless they want to. He is no doubt in a big fog right now and seems to have a foot in with her and you. Remove the prop and let the chips fall where they may. You work on you and if he comes to his senses then he and you have something better to work with. If he doesn't you still have an improved you who is still very young and her whole life ahead of her so you have nothing to lose by doing the 180 on him. However, before you do that tell him you are very willing to work on the relationship, you realize how you have hurt him and not been there for him and for that you are very sorry. You are willing to work on the marriage but will not do so as long as there is a third party in the picture. You will give him five days to decide on what he wants. If he chooses not to get rid of third party and work on you and him, you are detaching from him emotionally and are moving on. You must follow through on this either way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou for all your replies.
> 
> I am going to try my hardest to do the 180. I am feeling very angry today. I felt cleansed after I laid out all my thoughts and feelings to him about what I believe I did to lead us here and how much I've learned. I feel like I didn't get enough from him in return. I feel like even though I could have done a lot of things differently, I didn't deserve this. To be deserted without giving it another shot. I didn't deserve to be cheated on. Even though he is adamant he is not a "cheater". He gets very defensive whenever that word is used. To make himself feel better I guess. I'm so worried about this anger turning back into pain. I feel like he should know about my anger. But I know it's no use and goes against the 180. I just want him to hurry up and realise how wrong what he has done is and for him to be out of the "affair fog".
> 
> If he would prefer to be with a 22 year old that would involve herself this way wither married boss, over someone like me, with morals, why am I bothering? This is so far from the man I have known for the last 10 years.


He is a cheater period. Emotional physical, whatever it is still cheating!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Toomanyemotions said:


> It's a bit hard to separate finances at the moment. We have multiple accounts and a mortgage all joint. We were going on an overseas trip with friends in 3 weeks time. I am still going, he is obviously not. I think there is an unspoken agreement that we will keep all that kind of stuff the same until I return. Not looking forward to that part of it. Especially when he speaks so emotionless about it. Almost like he can't wait. It hurts so much that over a period of 4 days, this man I thought I was so lucky to have can tell me he doesn't love me anymore and be so ready to be completely separate from me.
> 
> I know emotionally shutting down to the person involved in the situation with him is the way he deals. But this isn't just any old situation. We are married! I feel like I am waiting for the penny to drop. Not necessarily to come back to me. But just to think, hey, they way I did this was really sh*t. It just feels so so fast.


Don't worry, what goes around always comes around. If he is still in a position believing he did you no wrong many months down the road, honestly you are better off without him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My advice is to just let him go. Move on and try to do better in the next relationship.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

aine said:


> He is a cheater period. Emotional physical, whatever it is still cheating!



Thankyou aine.

That is exactly what I'm coming to terms with now. I became so conditioned to trusting him and his words and was so desperate to work on fixing us, that I for a little while went along with his idea of how "separate" our marriage is to what he has going on with his employee.

No more. He is a man who has had an affair. No sugarcoating it. It's amazing after spending so much time on here and reading various other things, how textbook my story is. Makes me so sad that so many other people have been through this. Many who thought it would never be them, just as I did. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. There is still no denying he was a good husband during our time together. I'm starting to realise this is a typical case of holding on to me until he was certain he had a sure thing in her, then dropping me.

I'm still so torn about exposing. I think I'm just going to stop hiding all the facts from my friends, and what will be will be.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You are his Plan B option.... if she don't work out. Does the posOW have a 

husband or b/f? Exposing is recommended if you want to try and salvage your

M or to just blow up their play house as you are starting to file for D.

As you read TAM there are about four main cheater scripts.... after you are

on TAM awhile....you can tell which one it is after a couple paragraphs.

Here are a few links you may find helpful

The Healing Heart: The 180

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The 180 serves two purposes: one, it protects you from dragging out the hurt; and two, it sends a message to the cheater.

You indicated that your sex life had ceased because if your issues. That admission is critical because you need hysterical bonding to repair your marriage. If you once had good sex, your husband knows that you can copulate his brains out. Will he give you this chance?

The 22-year-old is probably constantly feeding him vagina and telling him he is the biggest and best lover ever.

She may be a shallow person. That will emerge later. Unfortunately, you cannot wait and hope.

Go dark on your husband. Will the affair survive the day light of real life?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Your H thinks he can bang posOW all he wants and.....

when he is tired of her, you will welcome him back with open arms.

Quell that thought immediately.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

So sorry you are going through this. I understand your anger and desire to expose the affair. Trust me, I have been there. You probably want to try anything and everything before throwing in the towel. If for some reason you want to salvage the sinking ship of your marriage, you should consider the exposure. Exposure will probably kill off the affair partner's desire to continue this situation. 

That being said, it won't stop him from cheating again unless he really puts some good work in on your relationship. And in my opinion it may be easier for him to cheat in the future now that he has broken that seal so to speak.

1. Try to control your emotions when dealing with him.
2. Act like the relationship is over from your point of view
3. Do things for yourself. Take up a new hobby, join a gym, learn photography. It will help you get your mind off of this misery.

I wish you all the best.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou everyone. I can't shake this worry that exposing will come back to bite me. Not for reasons for affecting the chances of reconiliation, but for being held responsible for the consequences it could have on a career he's worked very hard for. I know that sounds like I am giving him a lot more than he deserves, but I simply mean to state a fact. And of course this is a terrible risk HE has decided to take.

It has been very hard for me when talking about what I'm going through with most people, because I am withholding the part about the OW, I haven't been able to have true, open conversations with everyone about what I'm going through. So unfair. I'm hoping soon that will outweigh the desire to protect him. 

To answer Chuck, as far as I know the OW doesn't have a partner. I also happen to know that my husband is currently assisting her in going through a leadership program in the company that they work for.. One which she would need to be chosen to go through over other people. I can't help but have this fantasy that she is using him for that and then will drop him. How miserable of me.

Sorry, I know I previously mentioned that he called me yesterday, I didn't answer, but am sure it was regarding a financial matter. I haven't made any return contact and am now starting to feel guilty. Like maybe that is taking the 180 too far. And may start to cause some nastiness between us.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> The 180 serves two purposes: one, it protects you from dragging out the hurt; and two, it sends a message to the cheater.
> 
> You indicated that your sex life had ceased because if your issues. That admission is critical because you need hysterical bonding to repair your marriage. If you once had good sex, your husband knows that you can copulate his brains out. Will he give you this chance?
> 
> ...


Thankyou Longwalk. 

I did address our intimacy issues. I told him I believed it was something we let go too far until we were both too scared to address it or initiate it with each other. 

I don't believe he will allow the chance for hysterical bonding. As much as he is not the man I knew at the moment, he is trying so hard to not feel and look like a bad person, so he would see any kind of contact like that with me as "leading me on" and disloyal to his new connection with the OW. I can tell by his interactions with me, since immediately after he left, that he has completely "friend zoned" me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bet he's working very hard to get her panties off too.......

people do to you what you allow


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou aine.
> 
> That is exactly what I'm coming to terms with now. I became so conditioned to trusting him and his words and was so desperate to work on fixing us, that I for a little while went along with his idea of how "separate" our marriage is to what he has going on with his employee.
> 
> ...



There are many reasons why people have affairs:

Lack of emotional connection
lack of sex
Hurts from actual or perceived treatment by spouse
Because they let down their guard in dealing with the opposite sex
Because they are flattered by the AP and not at home
Because they have no moral backbone, etc etc

Nothing however justifies an affair. It is not your fault! If there are problems these must be aired and communicated first, not run into an affair. Having an affair is sometimes the very human and irrational thing to do but doesn't solve anything.
He is probably in a fog right now, in the first stages of 'falling in love' and all the fog and feel good chemicals that come with it. it will eventually suffer the withdrawal but you must do something for you, forget about what he is doing. Surround yourself with people who care for you, get counselling, read self help books, etc, emotionally detach as much as possible from him (the 180 gives you practical steps). It is a shock yes, but you can get through this.

To my mind, you should expose his affair, no-one (not your real friends anyhow) will blame you. Exposing the affair is usually the best thing because it shines the spotlight on his behaviour, sometimes shame is what is needed for people to come to their senses. Sounds vengeful but I would rather call it 'tough love."


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I would be hesitant about exposing the affair to his employers. Talking to your own family and closest friends is one thing, and should probably be done with the motive of helping yourself through this. But telling his work speaks to revenge, in my opinion. It does not help you if he loses his job, or if they both do. You may get a secret satisfaction but not much else. I would only confide about his affair to those you trust who can be helpful to you in dealing with your emotions and will support your actions in moving forward.

Don't give him any indication that you will be waiting around to try again. He does not deserve that satisfaction. Just don't stoop to the level of "telling" on him. Talk to a lawyer and friends/family instead, when you feel the urge.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I wish you would humiliate and destroy your WH. He is a pig. Wait, I just insulted pigs....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> I would be hesitant about exposing the affair to his employers. Talking to your own family and closest friends is one thing, and should probably be done with the motive of helping yourself through this. But telling his work speaks to revenge, in my opinion. It does not help you if he loses his job, or if they both do. You may get a secret satisfaction but not much else. I would only confide about his affair to those you trust who can be helpful to you in dealing with your emotions and will support your actions in moving forward.
> 
> Don't give him any indication that you will be waiting around to try again. He does not deserve that satisfaction. Just don't stoop to the level of "telling" on him. Talk to a lawyer and friends/family instead, when you feel the urge.


Thankyou Jane. They are my precise thoughts regarding exposing to his work. Although it's probably what he deserves. But yes, I am starting to feel ready to open up about it to more of those I trust.

I am reading the 180 everyday and am feeling rather strong about sticking to it. Although I feel at the moment having less to do with me will make him feel not much other than relief. But I know it will good for healing myself. TAM has also been an amazing help. Thanks again.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I wish you would humiliate and destroy your WH. He is a pig. Wait, I just insulted pigs....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ha, thankyou Conan. Humiliation is what I want him to feel at the moment. Or at least some guilt. Dissecting everything in my head as we do in these situations, I become more and more amazed and gobsmacked at the ways he has managed to justify and make himself feel OK about this. I feel like he is no longer the man I loved and married.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I just saw on social media that he is at his friends birthday, which I was meant to attend with him, and the OW and her best friend are there. He would have bought her drinks with money I got paid while on sick leave going through what he's done to me. I'm filled with so much anger I don't know what to do with myself.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

Try to take a few deep breaths, and don't look at his social media page anymore. It will just drive you nuts. Trust me, I have been there. I looked at our phone bill and my wife is still calling her boyfriend. It makes my anxiety level hit the red line.

In your situation, if anything it will show that his behavior is not acceptable. And same with me. You should not be with somebody that does that. I know it is hard. Call a friend to talk. It helps.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Toomanyemotions said:


> I just saw on social media that he is at his friends birthday, which I was meant to attend with him, and the OW and her best friend are there. He would have bought her drinks with money I got paid while on sick leave going through what he's done to me. I'm filled with so much anger I don't know what to do with myself.


All joking aside...... do you think he respects your emotions one bit?

Whether you get back with him or not, you want that emotional respect back, right?

Shut his play house down. He is using YOUR money to by the posOW drinks.

He is using YOUR money to romance her.

Enough is enough...... time to drop the hammer.... whether you are done 

with him or want a R some day.

You set your boundaries with him and enforce them.

There are consequences for what he has done.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Chuck.

No I don't think he cares about my emotions at the moment. The more and more I think about it all, it seems like he only cares about himself at the moment. The thousands and thousands of little phrases and mechanisms he has come with to avoid any guilt show not much other than immaturity and selfishness.

I have still been sticking to the 180.

I have become so much more mad over the last couple of days. I've come to realisation that I believe he didn't realise he was "unhappy" until OW came along. He only turned for "advice" to people that would tell him what he wanted to hear. His parents, her, his boss. No one that knows both of us. Of course his parents do, but they have to stick by him no matter what. Why should anyone know he's unhappy in his marriage before me?? Because he didn't realise until he already had secrets to keep and didn't want to give up what he'd started with her!!! So he spent however long making sure what he wanted behind my back.

There are so many things I want to tell him and open his eyes to my anger. But again, I know it goes against the 180 and I feel like he is in a place at the moment where they would just be wasted words, because he is doing and saying ANYTHING to avoid feeling like a bad person or like he's done a bad thing.

At the moment nothing at all in his life has forced him to feel guilt. His friends don't know about OW, so just feel sympathy for their friend going through separation, I up until recently was being very amicable with him and the people he is choosing to confide in are only people who will support him and his choices and thoughts. What a perfect situation for him?!?!

My anger is growing so much I feel like I will eventually explode. But because of the fog he is in at the moment, I feel like it's only actions rather than words that will make him realise anything?!?!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

OH man, I know this anger so well. And I don't have advice. I broke my 180 last week and blasted him. And strangely, I don't really seem to regret doing it. But I will also say, I don't know that it made anything better either. I think it just came out a wash. 

And I had to cut people out of my social circle just because they didn't seem to get how much was being cause by them interacting with my X and then sharing it on social media or telling me about it. Also once I outed my ex I found I couldn't be friends with people who didn't really condemn him for his adultery. It felt like a slap in the face that they were okay with him betraying me so severely. 

My point in sharing this is just to let you know, you are not alone. There are people here who have and are going through what you are going through. 
And you are right, words won't make him realize anything. And actions...well they might not either. They are really about protecting yourself. 
Letting my ex know how angry I was didn't make him have an epiphany. It allowed him to convice himself that I was crazy and rage issues. Sure he feels bad, sort of...but he's not begging for forgiveness. 
And I'm okay with that, because I don't want him back. I just want the life back...If that makes sense. 

So your anger is completely right. There really is no way to feel. The only way to get over it is to go through it.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thank you Bluewoman. So much of what you said rings so true for me.

I have this desire to alienate him from our circle of friends. But I can't shake this feeling that when it all comes crashing down, I don't want him to have the tiniest bit of anger or blame that he can direct at me.

My anger is consuming me today. I can't stop shaking, I feel ill and obviously it's all I can think about. Getting through work today is going to be tough. I just want to blast him with all my anger so much. But as stated many times now, it will just be wasted.


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

BlueWoman said:


> Letting my ex know how angry I was didn't make him have an epiphany. It allowed him to convice himself that I was crazy and rage issues. Sure he feels bad, sort of...but he's not begging for forgiveness.
> And I'm okay with that, because I don't want him back. I just want the life back...If that makes sense.
> 
> So your anger is completely right. There really is no way to feel. The only way to get over it is to go through it.


Anger is toxic to ourselves. What he did has already created harm to us. We cannot let anger to hurt us further. You are not alone. I am also going through all these pains and emotions. 

I know the healing process takes time. We couldn't expect too much progress too quickly. We will recover, yet slowly. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I WANT MY HAPPINESS BACK! Let's hang in there!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou Chuck.
> 
> No I don't think he cares about my emotions at the moment. The more and more I think about it all, it seems like he only cares about himself at the moment. The thousands and thousands of little phrases and mechanisms he has come with to avoid any guilt show not much other than immaturity and selfishness.
> 
> ...


All we do here is offer advice. No one can decide what you do but you.

You have every right to be angry. Cheating has always been a deal breaker

for me. I want to ask you...... would you still consider a R with him?

Or are you completely through with him? If you still hold hope,

busting up the affair is a must. This would bring him back to reality.

Right now he cares nothing for your emotions. Maybe showing him you

do not care about his...... will be a wake up call. Whatever you decide to do,

the TAM family will support you.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> All we do here is offer advice. No one can decide what you do but you.
> 
> You have every right to be angry. Cheating has always been a deal breaker
> 
> ...


Thankyou Chuck.

I would consider an R with the man I loved and married. But it's becoming apparent to me that he is not that man anymore. I've been describing it to people as seeing 2 versions of him in my minds eye. On the left is the man I fell in love with and on the right is a monster. An immature person in the throes of infatuation. And at the moment that person physically repulses me.

I opened up about the OW to people outside of my closest circle for the first time today. It felt good. It felt good to be open with people that care about me and want to be there for me. I'm still worried that if and when it gets back to him that I'm telling people that it will be construed as nastiness and vengeance, but I'm trying to put my well being first. After all, he dropped a bombshell on me and left 3 days later for his well being.

Oh the anger.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The only person you should worry about is YOU. He sure doesn't worry about you.

It is painful...... been there. I never knew if my XW cheated or not but her

walking out on a 15 year M.... told me all I needed. You will see the phrase, 

"If you want to save your M you must blow it up." It is common in the CWI section.

I still strongly recommend exposing his affair to his work. Having a fling with a 

subordinate is highly unethical. Either way you chose, go ahead and file for D.

You can stop a D at any time. But dropping the D on him tells him....

I'm through playing games. It gets real now. The once love of your life is about

to walk out of your life forever. Reality is a bytch when it removes the fantasy


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

karmac said:


> Anger is toxic to ourselves. What he did has already created harm to us. We cannot let anger to hurt us further. You are not alone. I am also going through all these pains and emotions.


Anger CAN be toxic. But it isn't always. It can also be a very healthy emotion that can motivate us to make significant changes. It's a powerful emotion, that if not controlled can be destructive. 
But it can be used to do things that you never thought you could do before. 
And quite frankly, I would rather have controlled anger than depression. I find depression to be debilitating. 

Use your anger to make positive changes in your life. Challenge your self...do things that you couldn't do before. In the end, the best revenge is live a good and amazing life. And anger can be the spark. Take advantage.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Today I am reading blogs from the perspective men that has had affairs. It is not taking away my anger, but it is bringing about a deep, sickening sadness because I feel I can relate so much to things my H would have been feeling in our marriage.

I don't mean to make excuses for him at all. No excuse for not coming to me with his feelings and doubts. In most of the posts I am reading, the men have repeatedly communicated their unhappiness to their wives. 

Reading the ways these men justified their behaviour to themselves, sounds exactly like what my H is going through at the moment. I just want him to hurry up and look back on it and understand what's happened for what it is.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Oh yeah...the justification of poor behavior. My ex does the same. 

Just like you, I can see that my ex was unhappy. Actually I could see it then. 

But I was in a no win situation. My husband could tell me he was unhappy. But he couldn't tell me what to do about it. I think in the end he convinced himself that it was my fault he was unhappy. 

And yeah, it just doesn't excuse cheating. And I so get wanting them to figure it out. I'm 7 months out and he still hasn't figure it out. And truthfully, I don't know if he ever will. I'm not going to wait to find out.

Don't you wish there was a magic button that cleared the fog?


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

BlueWoman said:


> Oh yeah...the justification of poor behavior. My ex does the same.
> 
> Just like you, I can see that my ex was unhappy. Actually I could see it then.
> 
> ...


Thankyou BlueWoman.

Oh a magic button would be great. I feel like my H is still in head space where he would not accept being told he has has an AFFAIR. He would certainly not accept being told that he has CHEATED on his wife.

I feel like I have such a long and difficult road ahead. And I want a Ferrari so it will go faster.

I have opened up mulitple time to my H about the things I believe he was unhappy about. I asked him to tell me what he feels made him this unhappy, but all I got was vague, wishy washy responses. Something else that further confirms for me that he didn't realise he was unhappy until OW came along.

Tomorrow night I am having dinner with a friend in our circle of mutual friends. This is the first person, if I tell her about OW, that could result in it getting back to him pretty quickly. I am still so worried about it turning the situation nasty.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

If he confronts me about my sudden change in attitude towards him (since I have started the 180), what do I say?? I am suspecting he may soon ask me about my colder change towards him. I think as yet another protective mechanism, to make himself feel better if he confirms that I am not thinking badly of him. He has seemed concerned about my opinion of him in this situation previously. I have allowed him to think I am not placing much blame on him for the situation with the OW up until recently.

Do I brush it of as being busy, etc, and keep things light hearted? Do I, in a strong and held together manner, explain that I am hurting deeply, am coming to terms with his actions and decisions and getting on with life the best way I know how? Do I explain to him that while he is still living in a world where our marital issues and the OW situation are completely separate, I am no longer in that world with him? Do I explain that I no longer believe he is the man I married, and that I am grieving that man, but I am struggling to have much to do with who he is at the moment?

I am struggling to see what would be "the best" way to handle this possible conversation. Many people may say, well, it depends on your desired outcome. Unfortunately, I couldn't really tell you my desired outcome. All I could say at this very moment, is that I want to conduct myself respectfully and I want him to start considering the fact that I have deeply judged him for his actions.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

You have no need to "explain" anything to him. If you are truly doing the 180, this conversation should not happen. He isn't owed an explanation for your behavior, he fired you as his wife and has replaced you. Don't give him the satisfaction even if he does ask you about the change in your attitude. Who cares what he thinks or if you hurt his feelings. I don't think he will ask you anyway, he is too wrapped up in himself.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Toomanyemotions said:


> If he confronts me about my sudden change in attitude towards him (since I have started the 180), what do I say?? I am suspecting he may soon ask me about my colder change towards him. I think as yet another protective mechanism, to make himself feel better if he confirms that I am not thinking badly of him. He has seemed concerned about my opinion of him in this situation previously. I have allowed him to think I am not placing much blame on him for the situation with the OW up until recently.
> 
> Do I brush it of as being busy, etc, and keep things light hearted? Do I, in a strong and held together manner, explain that I am hurting deeply, am coming to terms with his actions and decisions and getting on with life the best way I know how? Do I explain to him that while he is still living in a world where our marital issues and the OW situation are completely separate, I am no longer in that world with him? Do I explain that I no longer believe he is the man I married, and that I am grieving that man, but I am struggling to have much to do with who he is at the moment?
> 
> I am struggling to see what would be "the best" way to handle this possible conversation. Many people may say, well, it depends on your desired outcome. Unfortunately, I couldn't really tell you my desired outcome. All I could say at this very moment, is that I want to conduct myself respectfully and I want him to start considering the fact that I have deeply judged him for his actions.


He is cheating on you and you are worried about how to react to his motives?

I mainly post on male threads but yours stood out.

Your H is a dirt bag.... how would he feel if you bonked a guy

and posted pics of it? He wouldn't like it but... what has he done?

You still love him...... you appear to still want a R

expose him...... blow everything up. My goodness look how he

has treated you. You want that for the next 50 years.... didn't think so


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Chuck, I know you are right.

I am seeing him this afternoon. He requested to "pop past". (I have been unavailable to him for the last couple of days, which is why I agreed to this request) I know he has a foreign currency card to give me for my trip, but I feel like he would have specified if that was all he wanted. I'm scared and can't stop shaking. This is so unfair. 

I've been feeling strong lately. Every time I have seen him since D day, any progress I have made changes, my feelings about him change and the encounter never goes as I expect it to. I have had things to get off my chest and he comes back with some guilt avoidance speel that catches me completely off guard and throws me off. Maybe I will be a bit better prepared for that today.

If he asks about my change towards him, to settle his conscience. I want to tell him I'm not on the same page as him anymore. Me and OW are not separate and he should have come to me before she entered his heart. I want him to hear the words that I feel he has had an affair. It feels like it could be pointless, but I feel like no one is making him take any responsibility!!!!

I feel so lost.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Be strong! Do not let him see you hurt. Make him think your life is great without him.

Yeah.... easier said than done. I did one heck of an acting job on the STBXW

the few times we had to meet at the courthouse. This will be a great time to

set and enforce your boundaries. Let him know what you will not tolerate.

I have been a Cher fan since a kid (thanks mom n pop) and there was a song

I heard while going through a break up with 2nd love. In my case, I just switched

the genders. This then.... would be perfect for you, being you're female.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b70bPCEfPDI


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stay indifferent. If anything comes out, light iciness. Do not be talkative. Do not probe. Do not seek openings. Take the card. Thank him and say goodbye.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

H just left. I was icy and indifferent. Didn't ask anything about him or what he's been doing. It definitely had an effect. He said I seemed different.

But as he left I couldn't resist the temptation to share the things I've been feeling. I told him I no longer feel that OW and I are separate. That there was no excuse for not coming to his wife first. That I feel like a woman who's husband has had an affair and spent time planning and preparing to leave behind her back. That as much as I have apologised to him previously for my role in what got us and him here, I didn't deserve to feel the things I've been forced to feel. I told him I didn't want a response and didn't give him a chance to. I said it all from the perspective of my feelings. I tried to abide by no.33 of the 180, as much as I know doing it goes against the 180 :-(

As I walked away, he asked if I'll let him know when I want a response. He seemed angry. I just half nodded and continued to walk away.

I feel so torn between deep regret for not just letting him wonder about my change in attitude and relief and satisfaction that I got to tell him how I'm feeling when he hasn't been forced to take any responsibility for the OW.

I'm also worried he's going to go into defence mode and think I'm about to make things nasty.

I feel physically ill.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Now is the time to expose. If you don't, he'll be in pre-spinning mode making you out to be the bad guy.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If he loved you like a H should.... he would have spoken to you about things

before leaving the marital bed. He is having his cake. He actually thinks he

can come back to you anytime he wants. When you are on your trip,

bet the farm he will have her at YOUR house and in YOUR bed. He is treating you

like his Plan B or Plan C. Treat him as he is treating you....

Expose his affair..... you should not care at all what happens to him.

He obviously cares nothing for what all this is doing to you


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thanks Chuck. Yes, him bringing her to our home while I'm gone is one of my biggest fears.

Yesterday H removed my authority on the bank account his yearly bonus got paid into. The account was only ever in his name. The bonus is the only money in it. I made it clear earlier on in this when he asked me what he should do with his bonus, that it has nothing to do with me and not my money at all. He previously offered for me to use some for my trip but I refused.

Totally unnecessary act and out of character of the man I used to know. What a hurtful thing to do the morning after your wife shares the pain she's been experiencing and how your actions have made her feel. He is completely unrecognisable. I can't help but think my words the evening before scared him into thinking I might get nasty. I have no interest in being vindictive when it comes to money. I thought he knew me better.

No contact from him since that evening when I told him I am no longer under his illusion of OW and I being separate. I feel like my words set us on different path to whatever one we were on. I don't know where that one was going and I certainly don't know where this one is going.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

He just showed you who he really is. Believe him. 

Fvck him..... now it's your time. For growth and knowledge.

You will live without him. I promise you will. But I've been there....

just have patience...... I thought I would never be happy again w/o my XW. 

by the next Christmas..... I was happiest I had been in over ten years


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou so much Chuck. I know I will be ok without him. But god it's hard at the moment. The last couple of days have felt like steps backwards.

H texted and said - "At some point I would like to talk to you about what you said the other night. Nothing bad. I suppose I just want to let you know what I was thinking!"


I have no intention of replying. And no desire to see or speak to him.

I still feel he needed to hear my feelings the other night. But I can't shake this ill feeling that I completely ruined the 180. :-(


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You're doing fine. There is no such thing as the perfect 180.

Ignore his texts / calls. If he wants to work things out, he will 

make it very clear. He may be fishing at first. Can you change the locks

on your place before you leave? It does get easier. Two steps forward,

one step back. Maybe this will cheer you up.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryFwZFFU-pg


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

You really, really need to at least open your own bank account (in a different bank!!!) before you leave for your trip. If he manages to convince himself that you are going to fight for what is yours, he could easily take everything out of the joint accounts and leave you penniless. You are being too nice, and you are setting yourself up for bad things to happen to you.

I don't know anything about Australian divorce laws, but protect yourself as much as you can. Now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou so much Chuck. I know I will be ok without him. But god it's hard at the moment. The last couple of days have felt like steps backwards.
> 
> H texted and said - "At some point I would like to talk to you about what you said the other night. Nothing bad. I suppose I just want to let you know what I was thinking!"
> 
> ...


You have not ruined the 180. What you told him was actually pretty good. You let him know that you are not playing his game.. the one that lets him pretend that what he's done is not so bad. You did it in a pretty concise manner.

So from here on out just ignore him. You have said your peace.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You have not ruined the 180. What you told him was actually pretty good. You let him know that you are not playing his game.. the one that lets him pretend that what he's done is not so bad. You did it in a pretty concise manner.
> 
> So from here on out just ignore him. You have said your peace.


Thank you EleGirl. I really needed to hear that right now.

It's just so frustrating while he believes he has done no wrong.

I know he is going to want to talk about getting the house ready to sell before I leave in two weeks, so that he can prepare it for selling while I'm away. I really want to avoid that, just because I want to avoid seeing or speaking to him, but I don't know if I can. To be honest, I think I feel like I want to hurry up and sell and get out of this house too.

The mind movies are my biggest problem at the moment :-( Makes me feel so tossed aside for a new, exciting piece of meat.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hang in there. Listen to Chuck.

EleGirl, you're back!


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I still had access to his social media and read this morning in his facebook msgs that OW took him to dinner and a hotel on the weekend. 

I called him immediately and asked him to change his password because of what I read. And then I hung up on him.

I'm so broken.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

STOP reading his social media. YOU block him.

He broke your wedding vows, throw him to the trash,

that's what he is. A real man would have come to you 

and expressed his thoughts, not run behind a dumpster

to get a piece. You know what kind of women you find

behind dumpsters don't you? Never sink to his level.

Stay on the 180 and work on YOU. He will regret his decision

but to evaluate this, you MUST be past it.... to make a concise

choice. The present now belongs to you.... search within who you are.

If you want to vent, send me a PM. Do not send it to him.

He does not deserve the satisfaction. I hate when anyone gets

crapped on in a M, gender irregardless. He traded in a tomorrow 

when he had a forever with you. I'm not an odds maker but I think

he just showed his hand.


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