# Wife got in touch with an old boyfriend on face book - then turned into a phone call?



## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

About a year a go, I encountered an experience that changed my life , I will start with adding what I wrote a year a go :

I have been happily married for the last 14 years , she is the sweets looking girl in the neighborhood , I liked her years before she ever see me. But she was seeing someone at the time and it stopped at that. a few years pass by , now am 24 and she is 20 , she noticed me for the first time through a friend of her that asked her about me as we are neighbors.

She out of a sudden is way more available for me to see and talk to her than she ever was, it didn't take long before I asked her out and we clicked immediately. we started meeting every day for a few month.

obviously we fell in love , she at the time old me that she had been in to relation ships before , one that she started ad the age of 15 , " it was not love , but I got so used to having him around". They never slept together or had any sexual encounters what so ever "she said" clean young relation.

when she go to university , she realized that her choice was not the best now that she cam ea cross a bigger variety of men, she talked to him and ended the relation , he didn't take that very well , he actually had to be hospitalized. she then went through a bad relation ship with another guy , that didn't last more than a few month and he dumped her for an arranged marriage.

Now this second guy , she admitted that she loved him , and he actually did break her heart. with pressure from old friends , she went back to the poor old boyfriend but it just didnt feel right , in a few months , they both agree that this is not working anymore and end on good terms.

I was next , she was a virgin when we married , but me and her fooled around a lot before marriage.

She is the love of my life. 

About a year ago , I discovered that she got back in touch with her first boyfriend through Facebook , she never told me she is adding him , simply , she showed me his pic on Facebook one night while we are setting in bed in which I was under the impression she is checking his profile as she just got back in touch with the same group of friends from the past, I knew about all of them and I was ok with it, she actually asked me to drive her and the kids one day to meet one friend who lives a few hours a way ( now that guy is a good friend of the 1st boy friend , and that's how he is back in picture )

She and the friend used to chat a couple of times a week and she was very happy to get in touch with that old friend , at some point the name of her ex came up and she asked about him and got his phone number ( never clled , just asked for the number and keept it )

By the time I realized what is going on , they were chatting on face book on daily basis for about 2 weeks ( 2.5) , about an hour at least a day but not the whole hour , it was on and off as she was busy doing something else.

They chatted about how things went since they last talked , who she got married to and who he got married to, what kids do you have , etc. I read the chats ( some of it ) and it was all clean. eventually after the first couple of chats , he started sending everyday , in times that are too late where he lives as he is in a different country. it would be 6 7 pm here which would be around 1- 2 am where he is. am guessing he would put his wife and kids to sleep then start sending my wife.

we have been caught in life routines and have took each other for granted , maybe she needed more attention than what I had to offer but still ,it made me very un happay that she is bringing this back to our life. we argued about he past relations alot before marriage and she knew I hated the fact that she was with this guy.

This is how I knew about it, I was setting in bed , when she told me " you know such "his name" ?" he actually went back to school and got a university degree. and I said " why in hell did that name come up ? and how did you know? and she told me that she met him on face book " I showed you his picture remember ?" YES I do remember , but I didnt know this means you are talking to him ? why is he back in our life ?

She told me I got back in touch with the whole group , and he has always been good to me , why wouldn I get in touch with him as well ?

I asked , what is he then now ? she was laying down in bed, looked up to the ceiling as if she is thinking for a split second then said " he is a friend " and I said a friend like the guy you wanted us to visit ? and she said yeah , but this one I know him much more and I know his family. that is when I got nuts and stormed out the room telling her I will get into her face book acount and give him a piece of my mind , she was faster to change the password than me getting in ( we know each others passwords )

I read some of the chats they had through my account , he is very slow on a computer and she had to explain a lot of her expressions twice for him to understand. she left a comment on one of his pictures saying " cool " , he never saw that am gussing so in one of their chats she told him " have you seen the comment I left you " and startied to explain which picture.


it drove me crazy and I felt that my whole world just collapsed in front of my eyes , didnt help much that I was depressed because of work issues and had the habit of drinking one drink too much a night for a few weeks.

Next morning , I told her that I do not like what happened at all , and I cannot believe she got back in touch with an ex boyfriend without us discussing it first to see how I feel about it. I want you to delete all of them from your account. She told me that I am making a big deal out of it and he is just a friend but I stood my ground and accepted nothing other than the whole group being deleted. and she did in less than 24 hours after sending him a message telling him that she was very happy to meet on line and talk to him , but that I am not ok with it and that she will not be able to talk to him any more.

That was the end of it , as far as I know , she never talked , chatted or email any one in that group , and although one of them ( the one we were planning to visit ) kept sending texts and greetings , she would show me what he sends and never reply. one time , I told him that this number is mine now not her, and he stopped sending after.

I was still mad , my depression topped up and I also had sever anxiety , it was quite a shock. I kept talking about it for a while after . one night a few weeks later , I manged to get a copy of some of the chats they had. and told her that I have the chats and it makes me feel that it was more than a friend ship. it was every other day for a week , then daily for the second week before she told me. hen I told her that she denied saying it is all just friendly chats , as a matter of fact did you read the good stuff that I wrote about you ? later than night I asked her to tell me all about that instead of me goig through all the chats. she looked me in the eys and said " I called him on the phone once , he kept asking for it and I didnt want to put him down,after all , he has always been a gentleman and it has been 20 years since we talked" 

That hurt me even more , and I asked her that we sleep in different rooms. we did, but she came to me first thing in the morning with cough med as I was coughing. Later that day , she sent me an email apologizing deeeply and stating that she never meant to hurt my feelings , she just missunderstood through the events that I would be ok with it as we never had trust issues before. she reminded me of all the good days and asked for my forgiveness and ended by saing she needs me now more than any other time. I replied back saying , doesnt matter if am mad or not , if she needs me , I am here for her. 
We became much more intimate after ( daily , which never happened since honeymoon ). I love her more than life , and I still do but it left a scar.

Now this whole story is over a year old now. we are good after arguing for a few month up until she clearly stated that she is at the edge and this subject is not acceptable to talk about ANYMORE. it is done , history I apologies and it stopped immediately , there is nothing else I can do.

I feel much better about it ( less pain ) but I keep thinking about it most of the time , it feels like my life as I know it stopped that night and I just started a new one. I still trust her but with a hint of bad taste. 

was that an emotional affair ?
was it just innocent ?
could it be innocent on her part but he had something else in his mind ? if so , why did she allowed him to reach her everyday ? ( when I asked about that , she said he is a friend but he was the only friend that checks on me every day and I missed that ).

am I making a big deal out of it >? should I be still worried ? 

I cannot get it out of my mind , I can't just forget the fact that she did that without checking with me first about how I would feel about it. and always have a feeling that should this have gone longer.would they have met ? she said she had no problem meeting the group , but she would never meet him by him self. oh and by the way , right before she told me about the whole thing , which was the phone call , he asked her that she should be calling him at least once a week so they can check on each other ( she felt that this is kinda awkward , and I am guessing that is why she felt she had to tell me and see how I feel about that ) she also told me that there is nothing to talk about everyweek , and it made her wonder what he had in mind when he asked for that !!

if she had feeling for him ? why did she tell me then ?
why didnt she just go with the flow for a few month and see where this goes ?

is it sympathy ? does she feel guilty she hurt his feelings before ?

and the final question , how do I put a closure to this and get back to normal ? I never talk to her about the subject anymore but it is alwas in the back of my head , as far as she knows , it is over on my side as well. but it is not !!!

some help please


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## lookingforsolutions (Jan 10, 2013)

When the opportunity to connect with an old boyfriend arises, it brings back all those memories, usually alot of good ones. She probably wanted to catch up and although there might of been some romantic feelings all based on the past, not the present, she knew in her heart she wanted to be with you but you guys had drifted, you said so yourself so she was reaching out. Once you confronted her, she needed to let that go, and CHOSE you. Drop it, and work on your relationship. Spoil her, love her and have fun again. Good Luck.


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

lookingforsolutions said:


> When the opportunity to connect with an old boyfriend arises, it brings back all those memories, usually alot of good ones. She probably wanted to catch up and although there might of been some romantic feelings all based on the past, not the present, she knew in her heart she wanted to be with you but you guys had drifted, you said so yourself so she was reaching out. Once you confronted her, she needed to let that go, and CHOSE you. Drop it, and work on your relationship. Spoil her, love her and have fun again. Good Luck.


So you think she was unconsciously seeking emotional affair ? Why did she tell me then you think ? 

Tx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I don't believe that every ex stirs up romantic feelings....and also don't believe every ex stirs up feelings of hate....she may have thought no harm in reconnecting as friends among other mutual friends. She does sound as if she feels horrible for hurting you -- I would let it go and move on before she starts to resent you for your reaction...if she refused to cut contact, etc. whole different story but that is not the case here.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Who, 
I think you caught things just in time and your wife sounds like she had/has her priorities in order. I beleive she just got caught up in reconnecting with people. Sounds very much like what happened with my wife and I. I can tell you that it takes a long time to get over (mentally) a "near miss" like you had. But, you will learn how to handle it better. You just need some perspective. TAM is good for that! 

Many times a spouse will test you. And it sounds to me like you passed. You showed her what is unacceptable and you showed her what her value is to you. Now, you need to keep this up. You will show more strength by not bringing the situation up all of the time. Only bring it up if something like this starts to happen again. Trust that you have proven to yourself that you can handle situations like this!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You reacted more appropriately than most people who end up on this forum. Good for you. You made your point, she knows where you stand. As long as she's not doing anything suspicious I would let it go. Her intentions could have been completely innocent, the problem with these things is that they usually don't stay that way. She seems to have responded to your concerns better than most. Don't continue to beat her up about it or you will lose her for other reasons. Always keep an eye things but don't forget to enjoy your wife.


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## Jasmine07 (Jan 11, 2013)

My ex-husband is on my facebook, but thats as far as it goes. I do not call him, which he wants me to, but I don't think that right. I would never do anything with my ex-husband ever. I take marriage vows very serious & I am a faithful woman & would never hurt my husband that way. If she showed you he is on there, just trust her. I am not saying it right for her to call him, but if you don't mind, than leave it alone, if you do mind than you need to talk to her about the situation. If my husband wanted my ex-husband off my facebood I would remove him, his ex-wife friend requested me but I denied her request because I was on fb for over 6 years & not once did she request me now that her kids are all out of high school now she wants to be my friend, no thanks


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

Latigo said:


> Who,
> I think you caught things just in time and your wife sounds like she had/has her priorities in order. I beleive she just got caught up in reconnecting with people. Sounds very much like what happened with my wife and I. I can tell you that it takes a long time to get over (mentally) a "near miss" like you had. But, you will learn how to handle it better. You just need some perspective. TAM is good for that!
> 
> Many times a spouse will test you. And it sounds to me like you passed. You showed her what is unacceptable and you showed her what her value is to you. Now, you need to keep this up. You will show more strength by not bringing the situation up all of the time. Only bring it up if something like this starts to happen again. Trust that you have proven to yourself that you can handle situations like this!



Thanks . Who is tam ? And what do you mean " near miss"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

A lot of people fall back into this old relationships, and it's one of the reasons that I hate Facebook - although I love it too, for other reasons. That's why, imo, a couple should have a ready set 'plan' of what is acceptable and what is not. Perhaps this would be a good time to draw a line under this experience and tell your wife that neither you nor she should be contacting a person of the opposite sex for 'chats' of any kind, nor telephone calls, texting etc. You need to mutually agree on this for the wellbeing of your marriage - and it does require you to follow the same rules. 

IMO, it doesn't sound like an emotional affair. That is usually far more intense, and there is much more said than just hi, and who are you married to. An EA tends to get very personal, with both people pouring out their hearts and confiding in each other, and they start to rely on each other. It seems to me that you stopped this before it got to that stage.

I agree with your wife that it's time to stop harping on it now. She gets it. She didn't know at the time what the danger was, but now she does. So, draw a line under it. Address how you think you should both deal with this scenario in future, and then let it go. She has stayed with *you*. She stopped it when you made it clear the dangers. Your relationship has become stronger in the time since. These are all positives. You are very fortunate that it turned out this way, because it doesn't always!


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

janefw said:


> A lot of people fall back into this old relationships, and it's one of the reasons that I hate Facebook - although I love it too, for other reasons. That's why, imo, a couple should have a ready set 'plan' of what is acceptable and what is not. Perhaps this would be a good time to draw a line under this experience and tell your wife that neither you nor she should be contacting a person of the opposite sex for 'chats' of any kind, nor telephone calls, texting etc. You need to mutually agree on this for the wellbeing of your marriage - and it does require you to follow the same rules.
> 
> IMO, it doesn't sound like an emotional affair. That is usually far more intense, and there is much more said than just hi, and who are you married to. An EA tends to get very personal, with both people pouring out their hearts and confiding in each other, and they start to rely on each other. It seems to me that you stopped this before it got to that stage.
> 
> I agree with your wife that it's time to stop harping on it now. She gets it. She didn't know at the time what the danger was, but now she does. So, draw a line under it. Address how you think you should both deal with this scenario in future, and then let it go. She has stayed with *you*. She stopped it when you made it clear the dangers. Your relationship has become stronger in the time since. These are all positives. You are very fortunate that it turned out this way, because it doesn't always!


It was exactly 10 chats , over a span of 2.5 weeks. 
He initiated most of them if not all , and used to send everyday asking for more information about her. Was she being dragged into that ? Why did she tell me ? Should could have kept it going longer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

You need to pay more attention to her emotional needs.
She was wrong to allow the situation to develop to that point , but you were clear about what you wanted .
Makes no sense being obsessive over it now. 
She ended it, time to move forward.

Maybe you need to cut down on the drinking a bit too.
Your wife needs you at home.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm still friends with one of my old boyfriends, and he and I talk on FB sometimes. He's married now with a baby boy and is really happy. We don't talk on the phone, and likely never will, but getting into contact with former boyfriends isn't necessarily a sign of emotional affairs.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Who said:


> It was exactly 10 chats , over a span of 2.5 weeks.
> He initiated most of them if not all , and used to send everyday asking for more information about her. Was she being dragged into that ? Why did she tell me ? Should could have kept it going longer?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think she just didn't get it. She thought it was innocent and so she chatted back. She told you perhaps because something was warning her to do so. I'm sorry, I don't understand your last question.

Really, I think you need to let it go. It's over and she clearly loves and wants to be with *you*. You are more fortunate than many spouses who look up and find that their SO has been having intimate 'sex chats' and even physical affairs. This was not what your wife did. You both should live and learn and move on.


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

Last question was : why did she tell me ? She could have kept this going longer as I had no idea. It could have even went off Facebook to some other method that I will not find out. That is the part that makes me feel she didn't mean it. She cried right away when I confronted her the next day and told me she can't imagine that I am doubting her loyalty to my Abd that she took the freedom to connect assuming that our relation is beyond doubt. She also promised it will never happen again and apologized daily for more than 2 weeks. I know she regrets it , but the damage was done. I was hurt. Why did she wait 2 weeks to tell me ? She waited until he was asking for a weekly phone call, that's what alarmed her I guess that his intentions are not what she thought. Many thanks to you all for the support. I love her and I know she loves me , but it really really hurts to feel that your partner even might have got attracted to some one else even for a short time. She always had sympathy for him and she mentioned that when we first met. But not talk every day , not phone calls.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Let it go man,
Stop digging when the answers are right in front of you or you would cause her great resentment.
Forgive her naivete , set proper boundaries to safeguard your marriage.
We feel attracted to different people at different times for different reasons.
Like I said in my earlier post, work on the emotional aspects of the relationship and make it stronger.

It could have been much. much , worse....


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Who, no one is blind to other men and women. That doesn't make us all cheaters. It seems to me that the scales fell from her eyes, and she realized it wasn't a good thing. Be glad in that. Like I said, you have survived this scare and your marriage may be stronger for it - but not if you continue to re-tread old ground and worry and ask her about it and picture what might have been.

BTW, be cautious of those who post and say that talking to old b/fs is no big deal. For all you know, they may be in denial about their own EAs. Again, it didn't get to that point for your wife, but I'm glad that it was exposed to the light and your wife saw the risks. Not everyone is that smart, or that honest.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

You showed you have perosnality by not allowing her walk over your and give you crap excuses. You stood your ground and was firm. 
Women want men who don't fail these tests and you passed it.
Good job! 

As for contacting exes, I think it's common sense that they should not be contacted [unless there's a child in the middle]. 
I will never be able to understand people who keep in touch with their exes. It is INAPPROPRIATE. period.


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

I am trying my best to forget it and move on , it keeps popping in my head all the time. 
In her defence , they where kids when they met and he was a gentleman in the breakup. She thought that she can have him as a friend until she realized it is really bothering me. 
He pushed for a phone call and got it. I truly hope that's why she told me so I am aware before he pushes for more. He was already asking for a phone call a week ( international )

We have 2 kids , he is married as well and have 2 kids. I can tell he us not happy by the activities on his account and the amount of girls he is after. 
To me he is nothing. The only value he has is that my wife brought him back to our life ( among others ) 

She also told me that she trusted that his intentions are clean as she knows him and his family since the age if 15. But you know what. I don't give a ####. And will not take risks. He is out. People change , it has been 20 years since she last seen him and his family. She also said she didn't miss him. She missed the whole group and the old responsibility free days. We are immigrants so we have no family around. And I guess him sticking around the most out of the group and checking on her every day got her liking. And raised a flag as well. 

I don't think he got over her ever ( she did and moved on ). And once they met again , he didn't want to let go this time . He told her that after she left him. He got engaged 9 times with no success until he got married , still doesn't sound very happy. 

After I demanded no contact , She sent him a message saying that she was very happy to chat and talk to him but that I am not ok with it and that she promised me it will never happen again. 
He replied saying that he understands. And wouldn't like to cause her any trouble. That was the last contact as far as I know. And I have no reason to believe other wise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

There is one thing you can do to help make sure that they don't contact each-other again. Contact his wife, let her know what happened. That they were talking on the phone and you not being comfortable with it and them agreeing not to be in contact again. If she is aware of it, then there is another set of eyes watching.


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> There is one thing you can do to help make sure that they don't contact each-other again. Contact his wife, let her know what happened. That they were talking on the phone and you not being comfortable with it and them agreeing not to be in contact again. If she is aware of it, then there is another set of eyes watching.


I find that too harsh as I am not even sure there was something going on , she told me about it for god sake , i cant embarrass her like that. I do have doubts as I think she should understand that this would bother me , but for the benefit of the doubt , she might have thought it has ben so long and that it means nothing now.

am not defending , I hated what she did. just saying it is too much to embarrass her like that I guess. she will never forget that


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So then the both of you will have one thing that each of you will never forget. From were I'm sitting that makes you both equal?


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

the guy said:


> So then the both of you will have one thing that each of you will never forget. From were I'm sitting that makes you both equal?


you got a point there !!!


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I'm still friends with one of my old boyfriends, and he and I talk on FB sometimes. He's married now with a baby boy and is really happy. We don't talk on the phone, and likely never will, but getting into contact with former boyfriends isn't necessarily a sign of emotional affairs.


Would you de-friend him if your spouse was uncomfortable about it, out of respect for his wishes?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

What I mean by "near miss" is when it appears that a husband/wife is heading in the wrong direction and an alert spouse does what needed to be done to put them back on the right path. TAM= This site: T(alk) A(bout) M(arriage). If you read enough stories here you will begin to see how lucky you are and how bad things could have been! I have been where you are. It took me a long time to get "it" out of my head also. I came to a point where I realized it was alot wasted energy. Energy I could be using to keep our relationship going strong. You can never be 100% sure about what is going on in another persons brain, but I beleive on some level your wife wanted you to step in. That says alot of good things about this woman! Remember that when the negative starts to creep into your mind.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Who said:


> I find that too harsh as I am not even sure there was something going on , she told me about it for god sake , i cant embarrass her like that. I do have doubts as I think she should understand that this would bother me , but for the benefit of the doubt , she might have thought it has ben so long and that it means nothing now.
> 
> am not defending , I hated what she did. just saying it is too much to embarrass her like that I guess. she will never forget that


If you read around here you will see that guys who don't want to embarrass their wives, who are very trusting, are afraid of exposure usually wind up coming back here in several weeks or months saying "Boy you people were right". Now only you know what your wife is capable of or not, but don't discount that she is not capable of at least an emotional affair. And if you weren't vigilant, it could have easily gotten there. Keep watching and see if they live up to their promises to you.

Another thing is that his wife deserves to know. You said that he was pushing your wife for one phone call a week. That sounds like a predator to me. Sounds like he was trying to make an emotional connection to your wife. Put yourself in his wife's shoes; if your wife was trying to initiate contact with him once a week, wouldn't you want to know about it?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Another thing is that his wife deserves to know. You said that he was pushing your wife for one phone call a week. That sounds like a predator to me. Sounds like he was trying to make an emotional connection to your wife. Put yourself in his wife's shoes; if your wife was trying to initiate contact with him once a week, wouldn't you want to know about it?


Exactly!

OP, you have the moral duty to let his wife know about the fact that her husband was chasing another girl.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Would you de-friend him if your spouse was uncomfortable about it, out of respect for his wishes?


Of course.  The moment he voiced his concern or uncomfortability, would be the moment that I removed him from my friends without any explanation. I wouldn't object or try to fight it. 

No one else in this world is more important to me than my husband.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Block him on FaceBook. Not Ignore, but Block. He can't see her and she can't see him. Also block his phone number on your wife's cell so he cannot call her or text her.


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## Who (Jan 10, 2013)

Thor said:


> Block him on FaceBook. Not Ignore, but Block. He can't see her and she can't see him. Also block his phone number on your wife's cell so he cannot call her or text her.


Blocking him means no trust at all ! I don't think I need to do that. I'd rather know if she still feels like being in touch with him after realizing how painful that was for me. 
As painful as it is. I think she just miscalculated this one. She knows it is the end of us if it happens again, and if that's what she chose , then she doesn't deserve my love. 

I got in touch with a woman on his friend list that I know. Apparently he is trying to have a relation with her as well. She knows now that he is married with kids and will get in touch with his wife. He has to be exposed for what he is. I am also getting in touch with some if his wife's relatives to let them know what he is doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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