# Impacts on Kids in a divorced family... why cant it be oK?



## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi-

I'm back for my second thread. Before I begin... a quick THANK YOU to TAM and everyone here for helping me get thru the initial phases of my thought process. :smthumbup: My thread (which I deleted out just to be safe...) was titled "Not sure I can meet her needs"

In the last couple weeks, I've been able to talk to a couple close friends, talk to my wife and get to the next level/round of processing this topic. 

I told her what I wasn't sure about marriage any more, that I am not really happy and that I don't think I can meet her emotional intimacy needs. It was a great conversation. She was pretty upset but very productive overall. 

She responded by saying lots of things I would have wanted to hear... like "you need more time to yourself". She also apologized for not recognizing the strong value of independence that I hold. Not sure how she didnt realize that before... but what can you do.

To the point about her emotional needs. She said she is enjoying the time she has to herself most nights now. (She leaves me alone after getting the kids in bed so I can have my needed "me time" most nights). 

She proposed that she can have her emotional needs met if we just spend some time together one night a week. She says that if she can count on it, and look forward to it, she will be ok with one night a week. AND she will cut down on some of the groping and being pushy for physical and emotional intimacy during the week. At first I thought it sounded great. Then I realized two things:

1) I don't think it would be enough and I don't think it would last.
2) She's doing what she can to help it seem like I'm living on my own and very independent. Might as well be living on my own and let me really enjoy the independence and let her find someone who can give her all the emotional and physical intimacy she desires.

Frankly, I'm concerned that she's willing to say/do/try what ever just to 'save' the marriage.... even if its at the cost of her happiness.

I've thought this thru several times and come to the same conclusion. Get a divorce and move on. 

When I go thru this thought process, I always make the assumption that thru an amicable divorce and thru us both being committed parents (and co-parenting) that the kids will continue to be health and successful kids and eventually young adults and adults. (Two Boys, 5 and 7 We are 36.).

I wanted more data to validate my assumptions. I cant say I found encouraging data. I'm still researching and looking.... but the foregone conclusion that everyone makes is 'the kids WILL suffer serious issues'. I've heard mostly "they will suffer seriously" opinions on TAM I think. There are a fair share of "if you prioritize them and respectfully co-parent they will be just fine" also. Former seems to outweigh the latter by 3-5x tho.

To be clear... there is no abuse, there is no other person. just a desire for independence and lack of passion.

that really sucks and I reject it for now. It doesn't make sense to me. 

If 50% of couples get divorced, there are certainly a lot of kids out there who have divorced parents. I accept that there may be a greater risk of problems, but I struggle to quantify it. 

A lot of articles say "more likely to.... X, Y or Z". OK fine. But HOW MUCH MORE? If there is a 2% risk that my child will start smoking in HS, and it will double for parents that divorce... 4%... not a huge risk. "Double the risk" sounds terrible. 4% is manageable. 

I have close friends who's parents are divorced. the are smart, successful and all around great people.

There is deff. the train of thought... if you are unhappy, don't stay married for the kids as they will know and resentment will grow over time.

There is the "stay together no matter what... do it for the kids"

I of course want to hear that they can be OK even in a divorce. I'm just needing to better understand it... and hear from more people like us.

So... my questions are:

1) Can you reference any books or articles that have some sort of study behind them that talk about this topic?

2) If you are coming from an amicable divorce, what is your story/experience? Have you been able to successfully raise happy and healthy children?

3) Why does it seem to be a foregone conclusion that your kids will get screwed up? Am I crazy to reject that?

Oh, one last thing. A lot of people seem to look at the topic of divorce as if its a disease and that marriage is the only possible healthy and desirable arrangement. I think GenY looks at the institution of marriage totally differently. people are getting married less, getting married later etc. I think this trend will continue to grow and I agree with it. I don't think its bad if you don't fit the mold of 'must get married, have 2 kids and live in the burbs' in order to be considered 'normal' or 'successful'

thanks in advance


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Here are some I've found..

NASP - Divorce: A Parents' Guide for Supporting Children (article with references cited)

Divorcing Well - WSJ.com (just a blog post... but i like it)

http://www.parenting.com/article/raising-healthy-happy-kids-through-a-divorce


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## ggtam000 (Aug 9, 2012)

i read your point. if you think you are right by divorcing i support you to do so. I am also making a hard time breaking up with girl which between us there is a little girl. I have no problem breaking up with her as she had too many personal issues, however I felt bad for the baby and it was my toughest choice. 

Also story with my father supports your decision to break up. I had a difficult relationship with my father as he held a stance girls in my household should receive priority in getting educaiton and me and my little brother was left out while he was coaching my sisters all the way to colege. He was mean to me and used to hit me when i was 5-6 years old and did not think i will become a good and successful person at all. As a resutl sisters in my household became more developed and in charge and me and my lil brother became quieter and had no power in the house. 
As he become older and I approached my 20, he might have realized and started giving me attention however by that time, i left my home to live in USA all by myself and pursued my education. It was a tough life away from home alone, but i could not never been happier. 

as you can see my childhood relationship with father was tough and I wished my father would leave us even thought this will leave rest of us financially tough. He actually did for brief period of time during which I lived in relief and peace but started feeling bad once he returned. 

I dont tell people and started talkin about my bitter feeling toward my father all the time out of respect however keeping my feeling inside me all these years has been hard too. I always envied other parents who give an equal attention to all their kids, or even kids with single parents leading normal life. 

I am sure you will not treat your kids the way my father did however if staying with your family becomes harder, it is probably be better to separate and at least lead a peaceful life separately.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Statistics on Children of Divorce in America


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