# Shock to My System...



## charitystar (Dec 5, 2011)

This is the first time I've visited a site like this. Within the past 7 days my husband of 10 years has told me that his feelings for me have changed and he is dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings. He can't verbalize well what is going on yet. He wants to go to therapy and I've already gone and had one session. He is going in a few weeks.

He has asked me to be patient. he says he feels he is jeopardizing our relationship and our family and wants to do everything to save it.

I am terrified right now. I didn't see this coming. I think the worst possible extreme thoughts and I can't eat. I feel awful and I don't know how to act around him exactly.

He says there is not another person - but of course, my insecurities are getting the best of me.

Can someone possibly just give me advice on how to get through these first few weeks? All I can think of is how I don't want to lose him and what we have. I am so scared.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Try to rule out if there is not someone else. It does smell like an affair. But it might not be. Try to gather information w/o him knowing. Can you get a copy of his call log online? Put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) somewhere hidden to see if he's talking to someone else on the phone.

If you rule out an affair, then that is one less thing you have to worry about.

Right now my advice is to be strong. I know it sucks but you are a lot more resilient than you think. When someone tells you they don't know how they feel about you and they don't know what they want, they are not 100% committed to you. The worst thing you can do is cry/beg/plead with him to stay with you. You need to detach from him as best you can and let him know what your needs are.

What's been going oin? Fighting? Is he going out a lot? Is he depressed? Suggest marital counselling to him and see what he says. Tell him what you need and ask what he neds and talk with your emotions in check. NOW IS NOT the time to get emotional/crazy. The cooler your head is, the be tter in the long term.

You may want to copy/paste this in the General Relationships thread since you will get more responses there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's having an affair, why is he asking her to go to counseling? That's like taking your car to a mechanic after you've already decided to set it on fire. 

You know him better than anyone else. What's he unhappy about?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Plenty of spouses have done therapy while they are cheating on their spouse/having an affair. It's not a new concept.

That's why I advised her to rule it out.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It's possible that is WAS an affair that has ended and he's trying to emotionally get back into the relationship.


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## BALANCE (Nov 18, 2011)

First thing to do would be to calm down.

Find an emotional anchor, God, friend or some inner strength. Your emotions are running wild and you need to re-group after the shock you have had. If it is an affair you will be at a better place emotionally, but I wouldn't start jumping to any conclusions just yet.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

It sounds like he is operating from a place of guilt and shame and is spinning... He may have had an affair, or he may have had some kind of indiscretion- and instead of owning it, he is projecting that his feelings for *you* have changed, in an attempt to make himself less culpable.
If you don't want to lose him, reign in your insecurity. Be the woman he fell in love with- be patient and kind and loving and confident- show him what he has to lose.


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## charitystar (Dec 5, 2011)

I guess thanks for the mixed bag of responses. I don't believe becoming a spy and checking phone records or setting up cameras and recorders is something that is appropriate.

When I looked at what I wrote I think my assumptions got the best of me. We have been "together" a few times since this all went down (1 1/2 weeks) and he looked me in the eye and said he would never do that with anyone else.

I think we're getting on to a good path. We've talked about what we each want and we said that we want to do more things together (we don't much) and do things for ourselves (which we also don't do much because of finances). So we've gotten away for a night once and we are going to a movie on Friday.

He says he is looking forward to going to counseling.

I truly don't believe that there was any physical affair. If he is dealing with emotions and feelings (in general or for someone else), I am going to be patient and give him and us the time we need to see if we can get ourselves back on track.

I hope someone who has worked through difficult times with their spouse responds and if you have any helpful tips of what I can do it would be appreciated.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I'm just curious, when he said "he would never do that with anyone else." was it in response to something you said or asked, or out of the blue? 

Good luck, sounds like you are communicating which always seems wise if you want to keep things together. I'd advise fight for what you want, but don't do it with blinders on. If something happened and you chose to forgive it, that is better than ignoring it and hoping it won't happen again.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

charitystar said:


> When I looked at what I wrote I think my assumptions got the best of me. We have been "together" a few times since this all went down (1 1/2 weeks) and* he looked me in the eye and said he would never do that with anyone else*.


My exh said the same thing to me many times, even swore on his mothers grave he never did anything like that. I found a minimum of four OW. 

If you don't care, don't ask, but if infidelity is a deal breaker to you then I would urge you to look into it. Even ask for a polygraph, just to see his response. If you knew you were in a competition for your H with another woman, wouldn't you want to know?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldnt fear the worst. Will you be together at counselling, in this case I would advise it. When he says his feelings for you have changed what does he mean. It sounds to me that he wants you to change something but is afraid to tell you what.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Chartystar, it sounds to me like your husband is trying to be *transparent *with you, because he respects and loves you THAT much, I would applaud that personally. I think the best thing any spouse in your position can do -if you truly believe, as he looked into your eyes and said these things, is to hold on , listen carefully to everything he is willing to spill and share with you. Not enough spouses do what yours just did!! 

I am working on a thread about 100% transparency in marriage, it is not always roses, but what is HE is doing IS what it is all about, coming to you BEFORE he steps over the fence and starts harboring secrets.... this IS what SAVES marraiges . 

Hold that close to your heart.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I just finished my long winded thread on this ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html


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