# How do I stop making jabs at my husband



## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

It's been a little over a year since d-day, and he will say something, just a normal conversation and something will trigger me into making a "jab" as I call it. Example, one day he made a comment of "she's not my type" and before his affair, I would just laugh... But I came out with.... You just like "s l u t s" just to give you an idea of what I say. But one minute I bite my tongue, and the next time I make a "jab" and yes it upsets him that I do it, I've gotten better at not doing it, but I still do it time from time. I need help or suggestions how to stop!! I guess it tells me I'm still not over it?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You won't ever get over it entirely.

Time is the only answer here and strong self control.

How does he react to these jabs?
I know they must hurt him but what does he say, how are his emotions ..angry, sad, understanding?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bite your tongue. I mean literally bit it (not hard). Train yourself to bit it when something like this happens. It will stop you from speaking.

You have to train yourself to think before you talk. That's one way that you can do it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Tells me your still hurting and it will take time to get over it. 

Are you both going to a MC because if your not it might be a good idea. You can keep on jabbing but I think what happens is you just rip the scab off the wound.

If you honestly feel that you can't forgive him then maybe you should end it, heal yourself and find a more honest guy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you told your old man you have forgiven him?

If you have then you know and many other betrayed spouse know... talk is cheap. If you have forgiven him then show it....cuz as we all know actions speak loader the words.

FYI, I did the same shyyt to my cheating old lady for a year or so. I finaly truly forgave her...she deserved it,,,she truly did the heavy lift to earn forgiveness.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you're not over it and probably never will completely be. Things will never go back to what they were before he cheated. That's just the new reality. As to what to do -- walk away if you think you're going to say something you will regret. 

R is hard. Very hard. It can take several years to get to the point that it's not like a knife in the heart every time triggers happen. And the thought of your husband having a type is now a trigger that he was with someone else. Why did he even bring something like that up? Or did you bring someone up and he responded that way?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling may be of benefit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

tacoma said:


> You won't ever get over it entirely.
> 
> Time is the only answer here and strong self control.
> 
> ...


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Agree with the posters above but will add,,,.

He didn't regain any right to an easy life the moment he last withdrew his díck from 'the slùt'.

Your jibes are the result of his actions. He doesn't get to choose the duration of your hurt.

So, the residual anger others mentioned and maybe you still feel he hasn't been suitably contrite.

If your jibes were only hurting him,, well, that's what you get from whòring yourself about. Since they're now bothering you, though.

Give yourself some credit for the ones you're already biting. If you can bite 80%, you can bite 90 and 100. It might end naturally soon.

Biting them all, though, doesn't mean you've lost the anger/resentment.

Talk it out with hubby.

Library books about anger/trauma/infidelity or even therapy - to help you better identify the specifics of those elements you can't resolve.

Some 'infidelity couples' come back stronger. Those that communicate well. Most don't. This will lurk and only slowly receed without further setbacks. Argue about kids, new cars, house moves, anything that causes disharmony and this'll rise to the surface as your go-to weapon of choice and/or to remind you it's still there.

If you tell him you forgive him, you can't bring it up again. Until then, tell him you're working on it. Again, he doesn't get to set terms for your recovery. If he doesn't like it he can leave,,, just as you can if you decide he's not worthy of your best efforts.

Up to you what you do and how you go about it. You've done pretty well on your own so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

tacoma said:


> You won't ever get over it entirely.
> 
> Time is the only answer here and strong self control.
> 
> ...


I think a little bit of all 3, but I would say mostly sad, one minute he will express his feelings, then other times he's quite. I guess its a matter of time?


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Bite your tongue. I mean literally bit it (not hard). Train yourself to bit it when something like this happens. It will stop you from speaking.
> 
> You have to train yourself to think before you talk. That's one way that you can do it.


I've gotten a lot better though at not making comments, when you compare from the beginning, where it was daily.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hurt forever said:


> I've gotten a lot better though at not making comments, when you compare from the beginning, where it was daily.


It takes a betrayed spouse 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity. You are not even half way there. 

As long as you are not being purposely cruel, you are ok.


He is lucky that you gave him any chance at all for recovery. If the roles had been reversed, he would have most likely dumped you in a heartbeat because most men do. So just keep that in mind.. .he's lucky.


.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hurt forever said:


> I think a little bit of all 3, but I would say mostly sad, one minute he will express his feelings, then other times he's quite. I guess its a matter of time?


His reaction is actually a good thing, wayward husbands who aren't remorseful tend to get more angry than hurt or sad.

His silence and sadness would lead me to believe he's feeling like **** and knows there is not much he can say in his own defense.
Which is right where a remorseful wayward husband should be in the first year of reconciliation.

You do have every right to your anger but sooner rather than later you'll have to loosen the hook in him a bit if you want this reconciliation to work.

I know it's hard but take Elegirls advice to heart if you can and bite your tongue as much as possible.

It will take time and open honest communication that validates BOTH your feelings.
He hurt you through his own selfishness but that doesn't mean his own pain over it is meaningless.

Compassion from both of you will get you through this.

It really sounds like you're in a good place over all even if it doesn't feel like it right now.


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

6301 said:


> Tells me your still hurting and it will take time to get over it.
> 
> Are you both going to a MC because if your not it might be a good idea. You can keep on jabbing but I think what happens is you just rip the scab off the wound.
> 
> If you honestly feel that you can't forgive him then maybe you should end it, heal yourself and find a more honest guy.



We did 8 months of MC, and she never helped, I think it made things worse..that's why we stopped... Plus paying $100 a week didn't help. I guess it all comes down to the OW was a friend of ours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"? they will do more to help you fix things then most counselors would ever do. And they are a lot cheaper.


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

the guy said:


> Have you told your old man you have forgiven him?
> 
> If you have then you know and many other betrayed spouse know... talk is cheap. If you have forgiven him then show it....cuz as we all know actions speak loader the words.
> 
> FYI, I did the same shyyt to my cheating old lady for a year or so. I finaly truly forgave her...she deserved it,,,she truly did the heavy lift to earn forgiveness.


I have never told him that I have forgiven him, I guess that means I haven't yet? Maybe what you Finally did, will eventually be me one day. Truly forgive him one day


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

Openminded said:


> No, you're not over it and probably never will completely be. Things will never go back to what they were before he cheated. That's just the new reality. As to what to do -- walk away if you think you're going to say something you will regret.
> 
> R is hard. Very hard. It can take several years to get to the point that it's not like a knife in the heart every time triggers happen. And the thought of your husband having a type is now a trigger that he was with someone else. Why did he even bring something like that up? Or did you bring someone up and he responded that way?


I can't remember exactly how it went, but it was a old classmate he was friends with on FB, I really don't remember.. But it was in ref. to her, but I was the one who made the comment and he followed it up with " she's not my type"


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Counselling may be of benefit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We tried! 8 months


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

hurt forever said:


> It's been a little over a year since d-day, and he will say something, just a normal conversation and something will trigger me into making a "jab" as I call it. Example, one day he made a comment of "she's not my type" and before his affair, I would just laugh... But I came out with.... You just like "s l u t s" just to give you an idea of what I say. But one minute I bite my tongue, and the next time I make a "jab" and yes it upsets him that I do it, I've gotten better at not doing it, but I still do it time from time. I need help or suggestions how to stop!! I guess it tells me I'm still not over it?


I think this is an important topic. I worry about this myself. My FWW and I are really getting to some truth and making big strides in R but I know at some point we'll argue. It's natural. I worry that I'll say something like you did. I don't want to but you know people get when they're bad. It could be over something like money. She could say "I don't think you need to buy that" and I could say "well I didn't think you should screw another guy but..." I really don't want those moments. I can't ever forget what happened but I'll be so pissed at myself if I bring it up like that. What can we BS's do to help us not do that? I was thinking maybe putting myself in a timeout, maybe even a few minutes, before I respond if we're arguing about something. That could be easier said than done in the heat of the moment.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

hurt forever said:


> I can't remember exactly how it went, but it was a old classmate he was friends with on FB, I really don't remember.. But it was in ref. to her, but I was the one who made the comment and he followed it up with " she's not my type"


He is a bit dense and should never say anything like this to you. My girl will ask me questions and I tell her that I will NEVER compare her to anyone else.

I don't have a type. I have her. All the rest is noise. He wasn't reaffirming that you were the only one he thought about so that was foolish on his part.

It will take time. Has he done all the heavy lifting or did you rug sweep a bit? Until you deal with it all, it will linger. I am sorry you are here sister. It sounds like you are doing ok and giving him the chance to R is hard. Good luck to you and God Bless!


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It takes a betrayed spouse 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity. You are not even half way there.
> 
> As long as you are not being purposely cruel, you are ok.
> 
> ...


I'm not cruel.. In the beginning yes, but not know... I'm not a cruel person Lol!! But when I would say "if it was the other way around" he would tell me he would find a way to forgive me, but your right he would dump me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

All you can really do Kev is be very aware of your vulnerability when things start to get heated.

When the anger of anything starts to rise in a disagreement literally start telling your self "don't go too far, don't go too far...."

Then take Elegirls advice and also literally bite your tongue until the desire to hurt has passed.
Yes, you may have to walk away.

It's damn hard and you're going to screw it up, just try to minimize those jabs as much as possible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

hurt forever said:


> I can't remember exactly how it went, but it was a old classmate he was friends with on FB, I really don't remember.. But it was in ref. to her, but I was the one who made the comment and he followed it up with " she's not my type"


I totally understand wanting to lash out (I did a great deal of that) but it's obviously better not to. Unfortunately, many things are said during R that we wish we could take back (well, a normal person would probably wish to take them back; I never regretted anything I said). 

As to forgiveness -- that can be very hard. I was in R for 30 years before I divorced my husband. I'm not sure I really forgave him until after the divorce (I don't recommend doing it that way).


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I can give you some advice that I got from my IC a while ago.

When you feel yourself going down that path and you feel the anger rising in you what you need to do is conquer those feeling with other feelings. I have a few good memories. One of the first times I brought my kids over to my girl's house, they were playing video games with her son and we just went out to Starbuck's to get a coffee. I bent over and kissed her and although it was benign, it was one of those memories that any time a think about I smile and feel better.

Find a few memories that make you smile and your heart feel warmer. When you start going down that road, start immediately focusing on those good memories and it will change your feeling. You won't allow the anger to grab a-hold of you so easily. It will take time and practice but it does work.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

MovingAhead said:


> He is a bit dense and should never say anything like this to you. My girl will ask me questions and I tell her that I will NEVER compare her to anyone else.
> 
> I don't have a type. I have her. All the rest is noise. He wasn't reaffirming that you were the only one he thought about so that was foolish on his part.
> 
> It will take time. Has he done all the heavy lifting or did you rug sweep a bit? Until you deal with it all, it will linger. I am sorry you are here sister. It sounds like you are doing ok and giving him the chance to R is hard. Good luck to you and God Bless!


This is a good point. Given his history, for him to say "she's not my type" is no longer a joke. It's implying that he'd follow that statement with "but if she was...." He should now know that this type of behavior is now out of bounds for him. One of the life changes brought on himself when he decided to cheat.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Firstly you are not cruel, you were betrayed by someone who was suppose to love you above all others. Secondly, this takes time and you have a desire to deal with the issue, so that is a good thing. Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself, there is nothing here that is not normal. You should move toward forgiveness, because it is in your best interest. Keep moving forward.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Bite your tongue. I mean literally bit it (not hard). Train yourself to bit it when something like this happens. It will stop you from speaking.
> 
> You have to train yourself to think before you talk. That's one way that you can do it.


Elastic band can be useful too, OP wears it on her wriste, and snaps it everytime she jabs. Her brain will associate jab and pain.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, read the books Ele suggested. It will take your marriage in a different direction. Do the questionnaires that go with it. 

And it will take you 2 or 3 years at least to stop hurting so much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hurt forever,

You say that counseling did not help that much. Sadly most marriage counselors are not good at all. They seem to be more focused on how to get a couple to accept that they are going to get a divorce. For some reason their education does not include how to rebuild a marriage into a stronger/better one after an affair. It's very sad.

I am going to bring up those books again because they are very important. They will do more to help you then just about any marriage counselor out there. If you and your husband do the work that the books lay out, they will help you get through this pain that you have. They will also help you and your husband rebuild your marriage. Very often, couples who rebuild their marriages using the right tools after infidelity end up having a stronger, happier and more passionate marriage than they had before the infidelity.

I cannot stress those books enough.

I suggest them because they helped me so much in dealing with the kinds of things you are. They helped me shed the anger and the pain. And yes they helped fix a lot in our marriage. 

.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

In my case the jabs were constantly flowing through my head, I had enough control of myself to not voice it aloud. What worked for me was placing myself in my WW shoes. She is remorseful, regretful, apologetic, willing to do anything to repair the damage, why would I want to inflict pain on her intentionally? Will it really help me to feel better about myself? Will it support her to continue being the best she can be while reconciling? Probably not, instead I'd be taking her down with the ship. Ask yourself if you are better then your spouse. What makes you better? The fact you didn't make better choices? In my case I wasn't the perfect husband, I was broken in areas and displayed that to my wife. Did I deserve to be cheated on? No. Did I deserve to be placed in this position? No. 

I have come out here and said I love my wife, she loves me, and I want to reconcile. My wife accepted that gift from me and has done everything she can possibly do to correct what she destroyed. I ask myself if I would throw these jabs out before she cheated. No, because I didn't want to inflict pain on her intentionally. If you are divorcing I'm not even sure I would do that either, the BS feels they are better then the WS because they didn't cheat. But are you any better for inflicting pain intentionally? I love my wife and instead of jabs I show her love, I'm there if she needs a shoulder to lean on. After all I've been through I know I've leaned on her very much. 

The point is to lean on each other and communicate what you need from each other. If one says they aren't my type tell the other how that hurts you instead of saying you like ****s. Talk about how you feel when that is said, tell them if the pain you are in because of that comment. Just talk it all the way through so they understand how that hurts or makes you feel. A child would inflict pain because their filters are almost nonexistent, they are developing filters as they grow older. The same is true for BS and WS, many comments are made without even thinking and one gets hurt over what is said. Be sensitive to your spouse, especially if you choose to reconcile. Choosing to reconcile is choosing to remain married despite the trespass against you that nearly wiped you from existence. You offered reconciliation saying I'm strong enough to overcome this and in the future we will be happy again. 

What you had before is gone, dead, over, reconciliation is putting a clean slate in front of the both of you, build your foundation brick by brick. But don't let the bricks be made of animosity over what the other has done. I'm not saying to forget, that can never be done, but put it behind you so you can build a marriage to be proud if. A marriage of honor, dignity, compassion, and strength. In many ways I consider myself lucky that my WW accepted reconciliation. I was a poor husband, even though my marriage is very important to me. If it was so important to me why was I a poor husband? My effort in my marriage wasn't enough, I was on cruise control as my wife died slowly next to me. Yet I didn't notice? What does that say to my wife? 

This is how my marriage is and was I'm sure everybody else's is different. That's why I say I see similarities in stories but I haven't seen my story here just the same. Give an honest clean slate, let go of the anger, let go of the injustice, and build from anew. You might be surprised how fast you can control those jabs if you do this honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I would also communicate why some of those things are triggers too. Once you cool down, explain to him why his comments hurt you. He's got some tongue biting to learn too.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If the guy got caught riding another filly, the last thing he needs to be doing is commenting on whether another woman is his "type". The best way for him to avoid verbal jabs, has less to do with you and more to do with him knowing when to keep him mouth shut.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> If the guy got caught riding another filly, the last thing he needs to be doing is commenting on whether another woman is his "type". The best way for him to avoid verbal jabs, has less to do with you and more to do with him knowing when to keep him mouth shut.


QFT!

Have you addressed this? He should be kissing your ass, not making glib comments about other women.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is he doing the heavy lifting? 

Is he remorseful? did you have him get tested for stds?

Have you been tested?

Did he give you a written timeline of the A?

How are his boundaries now and is he transparent?

I hope he has gone NC with your "friend".

You can try to schedule time for discussion and limit the discussion to that time, but there can be times when you trigger outside of the scheduled time.

If you want, maybe you and he could go on walks together or if it is too cold, walk the mall together.

Exercise can help with the anger. Hope you find some peace.

It does sound like you want to stay with him at this time.

I hope he realizes the gift you have given him of a second chance and that he uses this to make you feel safer in the relationship.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

HF,

First, don't beat yourself up, it's "only" been a year since your DD. I'm 5+ years out and find myself making reference to my FWW affairs sometimes. It generally occurs during a heated discussion concerning behavior or honesty. My wife refers to this as my Trump Card, in truth that is probably an honest statement. 

The Reality is that the affairs are now just as much a part of our marriage as every thing else. I not saying that it is right to throw it at your husband every time you feel it, but to deny it, bury it under a rock is not healthy either. Maybe some day you will truly forgive, but I personally know I will never forget. 

This is why all BS here at TAM caution the path R.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

hurt forever said:


> I think a little bit of all 3, but I would say mostly sad, one minute he will express his feelings, then other times he's quite. I guess its a matter of time?


I get the same way and I'm the WH as well. We talk openly about my EAs...My wife doesn't "bust my chops" over it too much because I do a very good job of that myself. When the remorse really grabs hold of me, I will often withdraw and sometimes it would last for days and my wife wouldn't know what to do. It wasn't doing either of us any good when I'm in that dark hole. Same for her...she retreats to the bedroom and cries.

We've both made an agreement that if either of us let it go for too long, that the other will "pull us back in" so that we can talk about what either of us are feeling.

So far it has been working out very well. Just my .02. HTH


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hurt forever said:


> It's been a little over a year since d-day, and he will say something, just a normal conversation and something will trigger me into making a "jab" as I call it. Example, one day he made a comment of "she's not my type" and before his affair, I would just laugh... But I came out with.... You just like "s l u t s" just to give you an idea of what I say. But one minute I bite my tongue, and the next time I make a "jab" and yes it upsets him that I do it, I've gotten better at not doing it, but I still do it time from time. I need help or suggestions how to stop!! I guess it tells me I'm still not over it?


You just have to not do it. I know, I know.. easier said than done. But you have to get to that point.

When you feel the urge to lash out, either bite your tongue or snap a rubber band on your wrist to keep you from doing it.

I know it's hard.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

hurt forever said:


> It's been a little over a year since d-day, and he will say something, just a normal conversation and something will trigger me into making a "jab" as I call it. Example, one day he made a comment of "she's not my type" and before his affair, I would just laugh... But I came out with.... You just like "s l u t s" just to give you an idea of what I say. But one minute I bite my tongue, and the next time I make a "jab" and yes it upsets him that I do it, I've gotten better at not doing it, but I still do it time from time. I need help or suggestions how to stop!! I guess it tells me I'm still not over it?


I haven't read all the responses, bt why the he'll is he even pointing out his "type", or even thinking about other women in that way? My question is more along the lines of, has he had therapy to figure out "why" he cheated? Because looking at another woman and assessing weather or no she's his type is a huge red flag!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're only a year out, this is normal is some instances. This is on average, a 2-5 year process of recovery. He shouldn't have said a damn thing about some woman not being "his type". It's disprespectful, no wonder the jab came out. A year out of DDay if my fWW had said something similar about another man, I would have reacted similarly.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think we all need to be mindful of the triggers that others have.

Just recently I had a tete a tete with a very close friend. I talking about my mother (sore subject) to a friend who is a mother herself. Later on, I realized I could have hit a raw nerve and apologized to that effect.

And it's the same with my husband. Sometimes he'll say things with such bravado like "I'm not swayed by other people's opinions." 

Oh really, so where did all those age related jabs come from. Your idea to hassle me to pay for stuff (at the same time that you're happy to close her bar tabs). And all those questions like how long have you been divorced and when are we going to have sex again........ Yes, sadly, from reading the messages, I know now that they were all inspired by his just a friend ex. 

So yes, a sweeping remark like "I'm my own person"; "I'm not swayed by others" and so on........ I just can't let those drift off un confronted. 

Hurt forever, you should point that out to your partner as well.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Try to be mindful in the moment when he says something that triggers you. Don't bite your tongue, bottling up those feelings will lead to explosions later. 

But don't jab either. Just tell him calmly and plainly that when he makes comments like that, it hurts you. It reminds you that he has urges towards others, and while that is normal, he has a past of acting on it. So, he needs to learn to check himself.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

not sure you've shared something like this with him. he needs to understand his role in this. own responsibility in his actions and his part to understand how to heal...

to heal, you'll both need to be on the same side of the table. not opposite ends.

==============cut here=============

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacksö assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

KingwoodKev said:


> This is a good point. * Given his history, for him to say "she's not my type" is no longer a joke*. It's implying that he'd follow that statement with "but if she was...." He should now know that this type of behavior is now out of bounds for him. One of the life changes brought on himself when he decided to cheat.


I think you are correct. The OP was within her rights to react as she did. Because, her H DOES have a type.

He ought to button his lip with such not so subtle comments.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Q tip said:


> not sure you've shared something like this with him. he needs to understand his role in this. own responsibility in his actions and his part to understand how to heal...
> 
> to heal, you'll both need to be on the same side of the table. not opposite ends.
> 
> ...


One of the best things I've read on TAM and so eerily accurate.


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

VFW said:


> Firstly you are not cruel, you were betrayed by someone who was suppose to love you above all others. Secondly, this takes time and you have a desire to deal with the issue, so that is a good thing. Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself, there is nothing here that is not normal. You should move toward forgiveness, because it is in your best interest. Keep moving forward.


I try everyday, some days better than others.


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

cgiles said:


> Elastic band can be useful too, OP wears it on her wriste, and snaps it everytime she jabs. Her brain will associate jab and pain.


That is a good idea!!


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> Yes, read the books Ele suggested. It will take your marriage in a different direction. Do the questionnaires that go with it.
> 
> And it will take you 2 or 3 years at least to stop hurting so much.


I will def. look like into it, thanks.


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I would also communicate why some of those things are triggers too. Once you cool down, explain to him why his comments hurt you. He's got some tongue biting to learn too.


I do tell him why?? But he always says that he never knows what comes out of his mouth will "trigger" me? Which in one way I get what he means, how is he suppose to know. But i also feel at the same time he should really say to himself...I better not say that just a incase?? Who knows


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> QFT!
> 
> Have you addressed this? He should be kissing your ass, not making glib comments about other women.


No clue!!!


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

harrybrown,

Yes, he has done everything in his power to prove to me how remorseful he was, probably the first time in the 20 + years of us together did I see him cry for weeks/months.

Yes, I was tested!! Because I got the.... I doubt it... He thinks just because we were good friends with her and her husband. Really!! It's not like when you meet someone and say hey..... If you happen to have sex with my husband down the road can I know your sexually history! That part still hurts that he never thought of protection...

We started doing things we "use" do as a couple that we got away from! I saw it has we were stuck in a rut.

NC with the other woman.. That day he told me he as relieved it was all out in the open and glad it was now over!! Which I still don't get? he was feeling that way the whole time? But he still had meetings with her? But not unless you count her showing up twice to a place where she knew where he would be, trying to talk to him, or crying to him. But he told her to leave.. .. By the second time she showed up, that's when I told her husband..


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

RWF,

I always get the.....it's been a year..... We shouldn't be talking about if we are going to move forward! He still doesn't get it


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

Always hopeful,

If you have time, it's on page 2... from open minded.. My response (explanation) to the "my type"


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Agree with the posters above but will add,,,.
> 
> He didn't regain any right to an easy life the moment he last withdrew his díck from 'the slùt'.


Exactly

People, its only been "a little over a year" since she found out he was a cheater. Its too new and too raw still.

He should expect this so early after the Dday. 

He should also expect not to be so stupid as to say anything with regards to other women, whether he thinks he is joking or not.

Some might not think that him saying "She's not my type" isn't a big deal....but saying she isn't his type puts it in OP's brain about the women he DOES think are his type.

Sorry, but as long as this isn't going on 5 plus years or so, cheating hubby is just going to have to take his lumps for a while and realize when he says something utterly stupid that can trigger her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hurt forever said:


> I do tell him why?? But he always says that he never knows what comes out of his mouth will "trigger" me? Which in one way I get what he means, how is he suppose to know. But i also feel at the same time he should really say to himself...I better not say that just a incase?? Who knows


FIrst, you need a TON of communication about what WILL trigger you. And he'd better be listening because if he doesn't, you will leave him. That should be enough incentive.

And second, the next time he says that, just ask him: "Are you capable of controlling your mouth around your coworkers so you don't get fired? are you capable of monitoring your words when you're at a bar so you don't get the crap beat out of you? I know you are. So I have to ask you: why is it different for me? I'll tell you. Because you feel I'll ACCEPT it and keep coming back for more. So I'm here to tell you - I won't."


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What is going well in your reconciliation?

Do you sleep together?

Tell your husband how you feel.

He sounds remorseful.

Maybe you could share TAM with him?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm no longer married to my unfaithful husband I honestly don't care how he spends his time as long as he helps out when the kids need it. 

He has been there for the kids so far so I have no problems. 

One day I had to switch cars with my ex-husband because I drive a van and it has more room. 

His car was always a huge sore-spot for me because that's where a lot of action took place. I once found his wedding ring in the glove compartment and it was filthy. 

Anyway, when we switched cars, I saw his hat, sunglasses, and gas card sitting on the ledge above his glove box. I stopped at a gas station and threw them in the trash. For no other reason at all but just to be mean. I didn't even feel hatred for the man anymore. ??

I guess having to drive his car triggered me to do something I would never think of doing. I didn't plan it at all. 

Sometimes the anger just surfaces in different ways or at different times but who knows. I am aware of it now and don't plan on doing anything childish like that again but who knows. Sometimes the past just bites us in the ass I suppose. 

Through my son, "we" bought him a new ball cap for Christmas. 

My husband never said a word about his missing stuff. I bet he didn't even notice they were missing right away.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Rugs,

That was a typical female response. I remember an FWB years ago who was a cheater. She was married and in a LTR with a husband living far away. She worked in a big company and slept with a male colleague. When that guy cheated on her she trashed his apartment in a rage. As she explained it to me the colleague was the first man with whom she cheated on her husband and that made the relationship special. For the colleague to disrespect that sacrifice on her part infuriated her.

She was fond of her husband but not in love with him.

Although this all sounds insane, she was intelligent and had her shyte together in other respects. The bottom line is our instinctual behavior is not always gracious.

That was nice the way you bought him a new hat. How do you get along today?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Rugs,
> 
> That was a typical female response. I remember an FWB years ago who was a cheater. She was married and in a LTR with a husband living far away. She worked in a big company and slept with a male colleague. When that guy cheated on her she trashed his apartment in a rage. As she explained it to me the colleague was the first man with whom she cheated on her husband and that made the relationship special. For the colleague to disrespect that sacrifice on her part infuriated her.
> 
> ...


 
I am easy to get along with. You stay out of my business and I'll stay out of your business. That's my motto. 

I have zero romantic feelings for my ex and sometimes I even feel sorry for him. He's always been a pretty boring guy but I don't wish him any harm. 

We're fine together with other people around but we never did have much in common or anything to say to each other. 

Our marriage was dead long before his infidelity.


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

Long walk,

We are communicating a lot better than we have in years. We just kept our feeling/thought to ourselves, I saw it has we were just "stuck in a rut"'and I guess this is how a marriage/relationship is after 20+ years together.

Yes, we are intimate... I guess maybe a few months now, I can be intimate with him without thinking of "her and him"

I tell him how I feel, but he thinks it's been a year you shouldn't be thinking about it!! Dumb!! He is

Yes, remorseful... Still cries from time to time if I bring something up


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## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

Rugs said:


> I'm no longer married to my unfaithful husband I honestly don't care how he spends his time as long as he helps out when the kids need it.
> 
> He has been there for the kids so far so I have no problems.
> 
> ...


Rugs,

I'm still with my H, but we have a few things in common:

My H had sex with her twice in his truck, when I told him I would never get into it again, then a few months later my truck was getting work done to it and we were down to his truck only. So I had I was stuck into getting into it, whether it was just me or the family.

I remember one time when I was alone, I just cried the whole time I was driving it, and I would never tell him that, until one day we were all in his truck, including mr son... And all of the sudden the tears just came flowing down me check.. I didn't cry out loud.., but my H saw me. 

A month later, he came home with a new truck, never knew! I guess when he saw me silently crying, he realized what he had did (being with her in his truck) He said he talked about it to our MC what he was thinking of doing ( selling his truck) and she told him it was a good idea. So, it did show me he cared and he was going to do whatever it took to help us. 

When I had to drive his truck for the first time, it gave me such a sick feeling, which is normal for anyone, but I took all the stuff he had in his back seat and threw everything out in the trash. It's just something I did, didn't even think twice... And he never said anything!! Which I was surprised.


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