# Where to from here - how do you cope?



## luvmygeetars (Apr 9, 2014)

I was wondering if anyone could recommend a good book to read or provide some advice on "where to from here" for me.

11 months ago my wife gave me a letter stating she wanted to separate. She had suffered a pshychotic breakdown a month before that and said that her reasons for leaving were for her mental health. In the following months it came to light that since her breakdown she had been having an emotional affair with her interstate ex-booty call. They were doing the whole dirty text, photos and phone sex thing - all of which she lied about repeatedly. She basically drip fed me the truth over the course of the next 3 months and only admitted things when she knew she was caught out. At one point, she looked me in the eye, told me she loved me and promised me she had told me the truth about everything now. Shortly after that I found out that she was still lying about the affair. After much pleading and I'm not proud to say, begging on two separate occasions, she finally agreed to go to marriage counselling, but it was clear she was not really interested in reconciling. After 6 months of counselling (three of those she was constantly lying about the affair), she emailed me to say that it was over and she had no interest in trying to save the marriage. She said her mental health was too important and she needed to be the best mother she could be for our kids.

I've since found out through mutual friends that the entire time we were in counselling she was telling her friends that there was no way things would work out and that it was a pointless exercise. Apart from the significant financial outlay, I feel so completely stupid and humiliated that I was trying so hard to save our marriage and telling people that we were working though things and the entire time she had already made her decision and was basically just placating me. 

We have two beautiful boys, one with autism, so there is no way I can just walk away from her completely and have nothing to do with her ever again and I'm finding it very hard to deal with her at the moment. I say hello and goodbye when I pick up and drop off the boys and that's it. Part of me wants to explode at her sometimes and tell her what a selfish, cowardly, lying, cheating ***** I think she is, but I've come to realise, that she wouldn't care what I said now.

How do you deal with the humiliation and being played for such a fool? How long am I going to feel like this? I used to feel fairly self confident and that I had a lot to offer someone, but now I feel almost like everything I thought and felt was special and real was completely fake. My friends keep telling me there are plenty more fish in the sea and someone will appreciate me, but I have absolutely no confidence or self esteem now. How can you, when the person you have devoted your life to, just throws you away like that?

I'm getting regular counselling, but just feel so lost right now. Any advice would be so helpful.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

luvmygeetars said:


> I was wondering if anyone could recommend a good book to read or provide some advice on "where to from here" for me.
> 
> 11 months ago my wife gave me a letter stating she wanted to separate. She had suffered a pshychotic breakdown a month before that and said that her reasons for leaving were for her mental health. In the following months it came to light that since her breakdown she had been having an emotional affair with her interstate ex-booty call. They were doing the whole dirty text, photos and phone sex thing - all of which she lied about repeatedly. She basically drip fed me the truth over the course of the next 3 months and only admitted things when she knew she was caught out. At one point, she looked me in the eye, told me she loved me and promised me she had told me the truth about everything now. Shortly after that I found out that she was still lying about the affair. After much pleading and I'm not proud to say, begging on two separate occasions, she finally agreed to go to marriage counselling, but it was clear she was not really interested in reconciling. After 6 months of counselling (three of those she was constantly lying about the affair), she emailed me to say that it was over and she had no interest in trying to save the marriage. She said her mental health was too important and she needed to be the best mother she could be for our kids.
> 
> ...


Dear luvmygeetars,

Sorry you're here.

In order to heal, you will eventually have to get angry over what your WW did to you. I'm not sensing that yet. I expect a lot of people will tell you not to feel bad but I believe another part of your healing will be the realization that your mistakes played a role in what happened.

Neither your lack of anger nor the role you played in this makes you anything less than a normal human being. We're all imperfect and we all screw up. But we can also learn from our mistakes and become stronger. It just takes time and a willingness to open our eyes to the truth (something that I gather you had difficulty with while she was stringing you along).

I will recommend a book. It's _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay. It talks about the kinds of male behavior that attracts woman and the kind that turns them off. It's sounds like it's too late to help you win back your WW (although I can't imagine that she's worth having) but it will help your with future relationships.

Wishing you the best.


P.S.: I love my guitars too. Some of them, anyway.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

While you feel humiliated you have nothing to be humiliated about. She didn’t play you for a fool, she is trying to play everyone as a fool. Many people with mental issues will play everyone they can anyway they can. 

She was probably no more sincere with her friends telling them the counseling was a waste of time than when she was telling you she had told you everything about the affair. They can become master manipulators and liars. A great deal of what they say must be taken with a grain of salt. She didn’t just throw you away. She ran off to another world in her head. Nothing you could have done would change that outcome.

Often people with mental issues just think completely black or white. One day you’re the great person in the world and the next you’re a monster. They can flip the switch that easily. Until she is willing to work on her own mental health for real you never stood a chance. Once you understand that your own self worth will start coming back. You didn’t fail and you didn’t cause the mental issues


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

What are you humiliated about? Trying to save your marriage? Your family? I think you should be proud. Your wife is in an EA and about to nuke your family and you are humiliated? No reason whatsoever for that. And as far as what you have to offer to a new relationship, do you not consider dedication to family and a desire to honor your vow good traits? I certainly do. You are assuming the guilt, humiliation and low self esteem that your wife should be feeling, not you.

The circumstances of your marriage notwithstanding, her A was/is the absolute wrong way to handle it. And you were trying to rectify them, she was not. You should feel no fault in that, in fact, you should feel vindicated no matter the outcome because you fought to save the family. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you will find one that appreciates you for what you have to offer, which, based on your willingness to work through your WW's A, is substantial. Good luck.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

When someone dies there are five basic stages of mourning or 'dealing' with the loss. 
It is much the same with the end (death) of a marriage....we go through the same 'thought process'.

1 - Denial
2 - Anger
3 - Bargaining
4 - Depression
5 - Acceptance

Geetar, sounds as if you are in stage two. 
No one knows how long you will spend in each stage but you WILL get through it...it won't be easy but you will make it through...

Please do not let your wife ruin the rest of your life....think 'fck it and fck you...I am going to get out there and find myself the right woman'

Once you get to stage 5 - acceptance - you will be alot happier and at peace.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Welcome to the sh1t eating club good sir, a place most men and women never expect to join but the door is always open for new members. 

You feel beaten, deflated, humiliated and totally betrayed. You tire with ease, find no joy in anything and now you get to see the source of your pain with feelings of both love and hate, a indivisible state of mind. Forget who you thought she was, what you thought you had or even your own feelings, as they will betray you into making choices you cannot afford yourself at the moment. 

Your wife from hereon out is now the enemy. Not your friend, not the "Wonderful" mother of your children or you wife, lover, what have ya. She betrayed your marriage and your friendship for a selfish reason, an affair, and her statement about being a good mother is a humongous cop out since introducing infidelity has never been on any Family therapists lists for child raising and her mental meltdown coupled with her affair is no doubt diverting much needed attention from your children and even herself if indeed she needs to fix her life's problems.

The weight you feel right now is the lie. Her lie, the one where she gave you false hope just to ensure her stability for the time being, a benefit to her, not you. If she was so righteous and true to her laurels she would not have agreed to anything, despite how much begging and pleading you did. So what to do, sir? You've already accepted it whether you want to admit it or not so the hard part in done, the past and her actions, nothing more to see here.

Time to level the playing field. 

Gather what evidence you have and expose to everyone far and wide. Her family, friends, the neighbors dog, you family, your dog, and depending on the age of your children them too. Yes, tell the tot's what mommy is doing, it is not your responsibility to protect her from her destructive actions and this protects you from being called out as the bad parent as well as making sure the children know what is happening is not their fault. And make sure to contact the OM's family as well, no one likes looking at their children, wife, parents, Etc, and having to explain who such and such is and why this strange man is telling them these wild storied!!! And do not threating this either, just do it. If you threaten this she and he will align their stories to make YOU seem like a paranoid fool who can't let go of his wife as she "Changed from the person she was" Blah blah horse ka ka.. Don't think about this, DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pro's of exposure far outweigh any con's. This will prevent anyone from believing any Domestic Violence accusations or other far fetched and common marital complaints or conflicts, it sheds the light on the main catalyst for your marital breakdown, an affair, her affair, a choice you did not participate in. And since she was at one time eager to tell the world she was getting married, pregnant and buying a house, let her also bear the weight of the affair and acknowledge the gravity of the situation.

Expect her family to dismiss it, or support you privately, yet accept any public support with caution since blood does run thicker than water. Trust no one and believe only half of what you see. Your wife will get pissed, irate and maybe even a little intimidating by you doing this, a very good indication of success since no one like to be watched while getting high, her privacy will be assaulted on this matter and you will begin to tip the scale of this matter into your favor. 

Within a week of doing this draw up and file with extreme prejudice Divorce papers and have her served accordingly. With the exposure done and by filing first no one will think twice about why you are doing it so this action will invite either neutrality or support from others as well as put you on the offensive, especially in the eyes of the Court. Not to say infidelity is really frowned upon like the olden days of yore but at least you have diffused nearly all aggressive counters she will have against you from your exposure and serving. 

The Divorce will also do one of 2 things. Force her to wake up and end it or she will not and the end result will at least be tangible and visible to all others. This puts the pressure on her as not only the one who caused this but the one who is charged as fixing it. Either way, you have an accelerated outcome vs the back and forth, lies, trickle trothing bull****. 

Now, you, yes you, must start now. Not after a few more pages of redundancy or questions regarding the obvious. She is destroying your marriage for another relationship. Friends don't do that, People who love you don't hurt you like that and parents don't act selfishly by subjecting their children to a harmful situation. She is now your adversary. Time to kick some a55. This thread better not reach page three by the time you do something either, as it will be too late.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Luvmygeetars, welcome aboard.

I recommend three books.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Also be sure to go to the support forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin

After The Affair by Janis Spring.

Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley. This is an ebook which costs way too much. You can find it cheap/free if you poke around the internet. Part 2 is good and worth finding too.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Very good post above...IIJokerII's

However - and I accept that as I have never (yet...though probably will in the future) been through a divorce I cannot speak from experience.

Re telling the children the truth. It depends on how old they are....and no matter what she is still their mother so they will want to 'support' her but as you are their father they will also want to 'support' you. They will be torn.

If they are old enough - mid teens?? - to understand then tell them the actual facts...no emotions and no criticisms. 
"You mother is having an affair with another man and wants to be with him and not me (do not say 'us'). Therefore I am filing for divorce"

If they are old enough they will understand what you are really saying. If your wife starts slagging you off to your children (and you havent) you will keep the moral high ground which they will see and respect. She will be shooting herself in the foot.

If they are younger I think a simple "Mummy and Daddy don't love each other anymore but we still love you guys more than anything"....is enough information. When they get older you can drip feed them more information.

I know life isnt always that easy and like I've said, I haven't been through a divorce....


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

askari said:


> Very good post above.
> 
> Re telling the children the truth. It depends on how old they are....and no matter what she is still their mother so they will want to 'support' her but as you are their father they will also want to 'support' you. They will be torn.
> 
> ...


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP. 

So sorry you are here. What you are going through and feeling, sadly is what we feel when this happens to us. Your life has changed. Everything is now different. The life you knew is history. 

Educate yourself with the pro's & con's and realize that what you feel today at this moment you arent going to the next. It's not called a roller coaster for no reason. 

If I can offer any advise it would be if you are or become emotionally unsettled, ask for help don't wait. 

Realize this is a huge mess and it's all going to take time, but not only time and distance but you'll feel such pain, tears, strength, courage, understanding, rage, anger, and you'll touch every emotion you never realized you ever had. You'll ask questions of your inner self that you hadn't in years. But you must always remember, they open this path not you. You arent responsible for where their actions take you. 

~sammy


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> *She had suffered a psychotic breakdown*


And she is well-equipped mentally, emotionally, etc., to be the primary carer for your children? _Really_? :scratchhead:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> And she is well-equipped mentally, emotionally, etc., to be the primary carer for your children? _Really_? :scratchhead:


Very good question.......


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

luvmygeetars said:


> I was wondering if anyone could recommend a good book to read or provide some advice on "where to from here" for me.
> 
> 11 months ago my wife gave me a letter stating she wanted to separate. She had suffered a pshychotic breakdown a month before that and said that her reasons for leaving were for her mental health. In the following months it came to light that since her breakdown she had been having an emotional affair with her interstate ex-booty call. They were doing the whole dirty text, photos and phone sex thing - all of which she lied about repeatedly. She basically drip fed me the truth over the course of the next 3 months and only admitted things when she knew she was caught out. At one point, she looked me in the eye, told me she loved me and promised me she had told me the truth about everything now. Shortly after that I found out that she was still lying about the affair. After much pleading and I'm not proud to say, begging on two separate occasions, she finally agreed to go to marriage counselling, but it was clear she was not really interested in reconciling. After 6 months of counselling (three of those she was constantly lying about the affair), she emailed me to say that it was over and she had no interest in trying to save the marriage. She said her mental health was too important and she needed to be the best mother she could be for our kids.
> 
> ...


That's the whole point isn't it? You making that one person the absolute center of your universe, to the detriment of your own self. So when that center is taken away, no wonder you feel off balance. So now you can no longer seek validation from her, there goes your confidence and self esteem.

Betrayal sucks pal, so does rejection. It stings and corrodes every last bit of you. Your wife had the exit affair, it made things easier because she found another sap to put her on a pedestal and make her feel good, her issues are still right there. Although it hurts and stings right now, at least you get to work through it, build yourself up without the painkiller of an exit affair.

You're not a fool for wanting to make things work. You did what you could, now you can move on with your head held high..and yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, you might not see it now but in time you will..and out of that fog a more rounded and balanced person who's able to enjoy a fulfilling relationship.

Same can't be said about your wife..painkillers never last.


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