# Need some help - any help will do



## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

I am male, 38, married for 20 years, 3 kids. We are having some trouble and have for years. It recently has escalated beyond my control.

I need an outsiders' or experienced perspective. My wife and I have been fighting weekly, sometimes more often for a few months. Before that it was monthly with each fight a near marriage-ender. These always coincided with her cycle. I do not understand that process or have any real experience with it but she finally agreed that was a problem. She would become completely irrational and find stupid things to fight about. It seemed to me that she was just looking to fight.

She started some medication that the doc said would help with the mood swings. Turns out it didn't reduce them, just made them constant.

For the past 10 years we have been intimate once a month, each time was just after the cycle. I had about 4 days of receptive time, then a week of pushing away, and two weeks of irritation at me. I told her I needed more affection and she always said she'd do better but nothing.

I had a talk with her a week or so ago and asked again if I could be closer to her. She said some nice stuff, suggested a halloween costume and made some plans. Night came and she found a book, a heavy blanket and said goodnight. Nothing. I waited, waited and waited some more. Last night I thought I'd just lay there and not do anything. She fell asleep, woke up, rolled over next to me and said, "I don't want to talk about anything, can we just get some sleep." It is a rare occasion she'd lay next to me; I was hopeful until she shot me down with the let's just sleep stuff. I left the bedroom. She got mad I left, followed me downstairs, yelled at me for not paying attention and not talking to her, came at me very aggressively and I stopped her. I'm pretty sure she has a bruise from my hand being held up that she ran into. She then slapped me and ran out. I was in shock, upset, scared and numb. Stupidly I chucked the drink and shattered a glass. I get the jerk award for that. Temper I guess but in a weak passive aggressive after the fact way.

I was an eye opener. I now feel the same slap in the words she has been saying to me for years and the same slap in the ignoring me for years.

She tells me all the time it is my fault. She'll pick a fight and yell at me for not understanding her. I tell her not to yell and she becomes irate and says she's not yelling and I don't listen to her. At which point, I become irate and the fight is on. Yes, I join it. I'm mad.

Now for the help part. How do you know if you are being abused or if the complaints are just a sign you are a complete wuss? I mean, everything is my fault as I'm told. I'm sad, depressed, lonely, bitter, resentful, angry and dissapointed. How do I know if I'm the abuser here? Did I cause this or am I a victim of something I can't fix? There has been one slap but years of "comments". 

A recent situation occurred when I pulled her skirt down (no, not that way, it was riding up and we had guests coming...). It was a short skirt, she was working in the kitchen and I pulled it down to a point where it was more modest and said "You should be careful with that one." I thought I was being polite and helpful. She turned around and said "You are always picking on me." Now I feel like an ass. Am I an ass? Do I always pick on her? Was I wrong to fix it or should I have just left it? My gut says I did the right thing but I really am having trouble. I get the "you are always picking on me" line a lot. I tell her I don't but she gets mad and says I do and asks me if I ever take responsibility for my words. I think I do and don't think I'm mean but she brings out the worst in me.

I know it is completely lame to complain and be at the end of your rope but I don't know what to do. I have three kids, a good house and a miserable life. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my kids and my dog needs a good house.

How do you know? What do you do?

If nothing else, thanks for letting me talk a bit.


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## h0pe (Oct 29, 2011)

[email protected] "jerk award"!! 
Srsly, your wife has PMS BIG TIME! There are medications, not all work on every person, but a therapist would be worth it to find the right one for her.

I had the same problem but had a complete hysterectomy and now I am even-keeled. Radical- but it worked and I never regretted it. There may be counseling that could help her, but the main thing is the hormonal swings and then the ingrained behavior that goes with it. She is miserable, I can tell you, and doesnt know how to help herself.... IF that is the problem: teh PMS thing. 

Hope she can get some help.


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

Suggesting she get help for it would be a game ender and I don't want the trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Fozzie said:


> Suggesting she get help for it would be a game ender and I don't want the trouble.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then this is your life. Steer clear from her during her PMS time. Some PMS is so bad...it's literally a mental condition that some women get.

Not to say that all PMS is crazy. I get PMS but it's under control. I just take a Midol and stfu. lolll.

You say she may have a bruise from hitting your hand that was just "out there"? Like, you hit her? or she ran into you? Sounds fishy. She sounds abusive too.

Sounds like my parents actually. *shudder*. My mom was the glass shatterer. 

So, if this is your life, what can you do to fix it if you can't talk to your wife about it? I don't know...remove yourself, i guess.


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

Nah, I was sitting, she lunged and I reacted. I did not hit her. Thanks for the reply. I don't hit people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just checking  Never know.

But as far as her mood swings, unless she gets them looked into by a medical professional, this will be your life.

So...maybe get a hobby or something to get involved in when she's like that.

And do you think she may be cheating?


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

Thanks for the concern. I've recently spent more than I should on distractions but the "time" whatever that means is most of the time. She's watching tv next to me and I'm afraid to talk. 

Not sure if she's cheating. I would not be surprised. 

Are you all sure this is the problem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, look up signs of a cheating wife.

She seems to have some, but it's best to rule it out.

Secondly, she could be depressed and unhappy with her life...maybe even with you. She sounds emotionally abusive as well.

NOTHING will be fixed if one of you doesn't break the silence. Don't be scared. Just keep your voice calm and low.


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

Been talking calm and low for years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, then what exactly do you need help with?

You don't want to leave her, you don't want to talk to her, you just want to know if you're the victim or not?

I think it's a little bit of both. If you can wing it, I suggest independent therapy for you to really sort things out within yourself. Find out why you stay with someone that does emotionally abuse you. It's not healthy for kids to see. Dogs feel stress too. What are you really afraid of?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Fozzie: something to ask yourself: how would you know she wasn't cheating.

Its funny - my wife made the observation that anyone asks a question on this board and everyone else here jumps to the conclusion: he / she is cheating. Pull the superspy move and expose, expose, expose!

on the other hand, if you had a sherlock holmes available, wouldn't be a bad idea - or just checked out to make sure that some of the RED FLAGS you are seeing aren't RED FLAGS.

What is your wife's background, for all to see?

BTW, That_Girl - love your profile pic!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I didn't say she is cheating. I asked if he thought she was. Rule that out first, no? She's picking fights with him, not sleeping with him, etc....best rule out the big one before anything else.


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

I'm just afraid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Of?

Own your fears so you can address them. Afraid of what? You will still be who you are. Life will go on. Chaos will settle down.

So what is your fear?


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

Losing my family, losing my life, failing, being hurt again. I don't know anymore. I understand the logic and rational but seem to be losing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Fozzie said:


> Losing my family, losing my life, failing, being hurt again. I don't know anymore. I understand the logic and rational but seem to be losing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But letting things go on like this isn't protecting your family, your life or your feelings either.

You can't fail if you don't try.


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

I don't know what to do. Talking doesn't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So, don't talk. Just tell her that if something doesn't change, you will leave. 

I mean, what options do you have other than drinking yourself to sleep every night?


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

You know me too well. On my fourth gin/juice. Turns out I don't have the balls for another fight. Been thinking of leaving but don't have the balls for that either. 

Been doing this too long I guess. 

I really appreciate the help from strangers - you guys are great. It is nice to talk to someone for a few minutes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop the pity party though.

Man up. This isn't attractive anyway.

Time to think of a plan! Geebus. Life is ticking...


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

Thanks for the kick in the ass - I needed that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol You won't use it though.

That's ok. Your life is what you let it be.


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

I'll do my best as soon as I figure out what that is. 

Feeling a bit embarrassed and helpless. If I knew how or what to do or how to man up to fix this I would have 10 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Check out the Men's Clubhouse board on here. There's lots of resources there


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## Fozzie (Nov 9, 2011)

Will do. Thx.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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