# I feel so alone



## hopefloats (Sep 25, 2010)

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. Only marriage. It has been a bumpy road since almost day 1. We have three sons. The youngest being 16. I will admit that I married my husband because I needed to get away from a bad sitution that I was living in.

Over the years I have allowed myself to be used as an escape goat for his errors, or actions.Example: He was with his past employer for years. It changed ownership several times, but each time he was retained as the facility manager. But things would happen such as the alarm company would call the house stating that the freezer alarm was going off. The freezer held human samples, such as blood, plasma, urine, etc. for testing. Well I would tell him that the alarm company had called, and needed his response.. I would remind him time and time again to call or go down to the lab and check. well for one reason or another he would not respond. Then on the next work day when he would go into work, and be told that he did not respond to the call, he would say things like my wife never gave me the message. Well of course the alarm company would only have record of talking to me, and not to him. He would tell them things like well she was not feeling well and must have forgotten. On at least 10 different occasions that I can recall he used me as his escape for not doing what he should have done. Just thank goodness the alarm would reset it's self, and not product would be lost.

Until three years ago... same thing happened but this time several thousands $ was lost..he was written up. He would have lost his job that day if he had done a quick scramble to cover his tracks... like deleted messages from his cell, having me disconnect the answering machine. Basically making everyone else look at fault, and not him self. However due to his not responding to a very important memo by a dead line, they flew in and terminated him shortly thereafter. 

Now that I look back I think that is what he was working towards any way. He was able to find another job making approximately $50,000 less a year with a home repair supply retail store. Plus he had always wanted to do a little home repair business. He has worked both, however he does the home repair side jobs at his convenience, and only when there is something extra that he wants. 

Thank goodness that my employer of only two years at the time picked up our health insurance, and they have been paying it as one of my benefits since then. I am now the main income maker. 

Over the years he has made me feel that I am not quite good enough in most everything that I do. He also has a bad habit of blaming me for things. Even if he is at fault he finds a way of blaming me for his actions. If I had not done something, or had done something he would not have done what he did. 

He had an affair in the early 2000's. I was without a job, with a steady income. I was a realtor, and just did it around my sons and their lives, because my main goal was to take care of them. I think my annual income was $4000 a year. Well when I confronted him about the affair he let me know that he did not love me, and that he was leaving myself and our sons for this other woman. During this time of his not knowing when he was leaving..he just kept saying that he was so worried about this other woman..because she was not ready for the affair to get out, and she was so very upset. Forget about me and my feelings..he had no worry about how this was going to affect the boys either. His concern was with her. 

Then she, after telling her husband what was going on with my husband decided that she would stay with her own husband. I will never forget my husband sitting there that day crying like a baby because as he put it "felt like the most important person in his life had just died". He never cried once, or showed any real emotions towards me or our sons when he was thinking about leaving us, but he cried when she decided to drop him. I won due to forfeit. We (he) at this point I don't know which decided to stay. We talked about the situation for a little while, then after about four weeks, I was having a tough day handling my thoughts and needed to talk. I asked him a question..he let me know that what happened--happened..he was done talking about it..i would have to accept it, and he refused to ever talk to me about it again. 

His reason for the affair was yes you guessed it was my fault because I was always tied up with the boys... with their school, being room mother, doing homework (they were all A/B students), taking the boys here and there, doing things with the boys, etc. Such a bad woman I was. By the way my hard work payed off... my two older sons ended up with most of the college paid for by scholarships, grants, and a small percentage loans.

He has lied to me over the years...then when I find out the truth he just laughs and says things like well you found me out. Well he has recently brought my older son into is lies. The last one was a speeding ticket... he did not tell me about. I found out about the speeding ticket by a friend who is a sheriff. He just asked me one day if my husband had it figured out because it was a big one. So I knew, and had an idea how he paid for it without my knowing. What happened someone, a friend, owed him some $ for a tile job he did. I kept asking him if they had paid him, and he kept saying no not yet, but they will. I think he thought I would just stop asking. Finally one day I just confronted him about it. Again he laughed, and then my son came home, and he told him well she found out about the speeding ticket, and yes he used the tile $ for the ticket. The tile $ needed to go towards my youngest son's braces. It bothers me that he brought my oldest son into his deceit.

There are alot of other things... when my oldest son was born. He came early. We had just sold one house, and we were moving into another. While packing and working hard I went into labor. After 43 hours he came into the world 3 1/2 weeks early. Small, and he was sent home with hospice coming in three times a day. He was in a special home chamber, and could only be touched when he was fed, or changed. On my first day home with my new baby..my husband called, and asked if I had done any more packing. He said that he had people coming on Friday to move us. My son was taken out of his chamber after 3 days. I was so confused at the time..that I started packing. That Friday we moved. I worked like a work horse for several days with the help of my Mother. I was exhausted. When my mother left, and the next day his mother was expected..I asked him why he did what he did about the moving. The people buying our house was willing to wait until I was on my feet.. and the people we were buying the house from was willing to wait. Why the hurry. His answer was well I wanted things perfect when my Mom saw her first grandson. That's how it has always been his Mom first.

When my second son was born... when he saw me after he was born, when I was put into a room was.. he walked in and said hello ugly...you look like hell. Don't you think you could have at least changed your gown. Always something wrong with me..

Then my third son.. he started yelling at me because i was upset because he did not bring the outfit I picked out and blanket. Same blanket and outfit that my two other's came home in. The nurse heard, and came in and let him know that they could find a reason to keep me there if he did not calm down.

My husband has always done things to make me second guess myself.. I have been made to feel by him and his family that I don't measure up.

Over the years I have begged him to spend time with me... Talk to me... To respect me.. He does not want to do anything with me. Now anyone else he is always willing. If it is not doing a project, or working on the yard, or something like that..he has no time for me...I remember one time my telling him that I needed his time.. he said that was not going to change, and that I just needed to change my way of thinking. 

He ignores me..seems to be even worse here lately. I will try to involve myself in a conversation, and he will let me know that he was talking to ?? and not me. Then he will make it very obvious that he is excluding me from the conversation. When I try to talk to him he will over talk me, or he will mock me. 

I have come to learn over the years that when he wants something or wants sex he is a very kind person. 

He does this thing that when I try to have a private converation with him about something that I feel he has done..and if one of the boys is home he will do this "i don't know what to do to make you happy.all I have ever done is try to make you happy". I know he does it so it looks like to the boys that I am trying to start trouble.

Within the last three weeks..he and I were having a disagreement over something. My oldest son butted in and started yelling at me...Mom if you would just keep your mouth shut there would not be any problems. You just keep on and on. I looked over at my husband and he just had this smug look on his face.. A look I have seen a million times, but it really got to me that day. 

Let me explain I have until recently just kept my mouth shut, and not stood up for myself, but now that I am standing up for myself it is being taken that I am starting trouble. So as long as I keep quiet all is fine. But I can't keep my mouth shut anymore. 

I have gone on and on... I could keep going but I have said enough.

I have never been completely open about this situation with my husband with anyone else..The only person that I have shared all this with is my sister. 

My problem is that everytime I save up a little nest egg. For my son and I to move out. Something seems to happen, and the money is used else where. Now here I am without a dime, I don't make a lot of $$, I want out so badly, because he actually makes me feel sometimes that i am loosing my mind. He has never been physically abusive towards me. Emotionally and mentally yes I do feel he has. He plays mind games with me, & confuses me. He has NEVER been physically abusive to my boys. 

Do I move out and leave my youngest son. I don't want to, and if I do am I giving up my rights to him??

So what does a woman do that has not financial recourse? I don't want the house. Because it is just another thing in our life that he has put before me... All I want is my freedom..and my son.

I wrote him a note a couple of weeks ago. Asking him what he wanted from me. Asked him if we were just staying together for the boys. Told him how empty, lonely and disrespected I felt. That if I was going to spend the rest of my life by myself, that I might as well be by myself alone. He never even acknowledged my note.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

hopefloats said:


> I have been married to my husband for 26 years. Only marriage. It has been a bumpy road since almost day 1. We have three sons. The youngest being 16. I will admit that I married my husband because I needed to get away from a bad sitution that I was living in.
> .


There was me thinking people got married to get into a good situation.

I do believe what you say. Wow.

Bob


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## hopefloats (Sep 25, 2010)

Thank you for your reply... I have done what I thought I should for my boys, and plus I have always given my all to everything in my life. Then of course there is the biblical side of it. But as I get older I realize that God did not put me here to be abused. 

A friend of mine who only knows bits and pieces told me that I am just as much responsable if my boys end up the same way. The more I think about it..the more I realize that he is right.

I am not a person who quits. Actually everyone says that I am actually a tough person. Little do they know how I am feeling inside. 

My sister tells me that leaving is not showing that I failed, but showing that I want to survive. 

I hate that my biggest fear is all financial.. but at this point there are things far worse than living barely financially. Then there is the fact that I am afraid that i will end up bitter towards all men, including my sons.


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## calimom82 (Jan 25, 2009)

I agree with your sister. As far as you being afraid of the financial aspect of leaving, is there any way that you could get child support from your husband?


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## hopefloats (Sep 25, 2010)

*Re: I feel so alone 1*

yes, I will push to get child support. However, since my income is slightly higher than his, that will be taken into consideration also. I have also been told that he could ask for spousal support. Which makes me very angry. 

I will also push to have him take over my middle son's car payment that happens to be in my name. He is a junior in college, but I don't think that is too much to ask my husband to do.There are three credit cards, one is his home repair card. One is a joint card, and the other is a care credit for some dental work needed for my oldest son, and myself that was not covered by our dental insurance. All total maybe $2000.00 for all three. I have never used a credit card in my whole life, and then within the last two years I have had to use. Only for emergencies, and or medical needs.

I have my thoughts on the house. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to push to keep it. However, I don't really want it. Over the years it has seemed more like a prison to me than a home. To me this house is just one more thing that he put in front of me, gave time to, spent money on, etc. This house is beautiful, and is a reflection of his obsession of looking perfect to the outside world. The yard looks like a gulf course. Just two years ago he ripped out all our old landscape and put in all new, because he became tired of how his yard looked. He loves this house...and that love may work to my benefit.

I honestly feel that writing all this down has helped, and reading it myself, and knowing it is what I have lived---plus more.. made me realize that I have spent too many years hoping it would change and that I deserve more. Plus, I think my sons need to see their mother standing up for her self, that a woman does not deserve to be treated with disrespect, that if you don't cherish her you will loose her.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

hopefloats said:


> Over the years I have begged him to spend time with me... Talk to me... To respect me.. He does not want to do anything with me. Now anyone else he is always willing. If it is not doing a project, or working on the yard, or something like that..he has no time for me...I remember one time my telling him that I needed his time.. he said that was not going to change, and that I just needed to change my way of thinking.


Your husband was telling you the truth when he said he would not change. Well done you, because you have changed yourself and are now no longer willing to accept his treatment of you.

I wish I had some easy answers for you but I don't. Just wanted to say that I truly empathised with you when you said he did not even have the common courtesy to reply to your letter when he must have known how much you were hurting. I have had similar experiences although thankfully my husband does not knowlingly set out to put me down, although the effect is often the same. 

I sincerely wish you well for the future and believe your courage and determination will see you through.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

*Re: I feel so alone 1*



hopefloats said:


> I have my thoughts on the house. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to push to keep it. However, I don't really want it. Over the years it has seemed more like a prison to me than a home. To me this house is just one more thing that he put in front of me, gave time to, spent money on, etc. This house is beautiful, and is a reflection of his obsession of looking perfect to the outside world. The yard looks like a gulf course. Just two years ago he ripped out all our old landscape and put in all new, because he became tired of how his yard looked. He loves this house...and that love may work to my benefit.
> .


First, I don't think you should let anyone judge your motives for marrying him in the first place. We judge things based on results. You committed yourself to this relationship, so your integrity is trememdous.

The house? Why assume you have to keep it if you get it? My stepfather always told my mother that the house was the only reason he stayed with her, so when they divorced, he had to pay her for half the home value just to keep it. This was enough for her to get a college degree and make a life for herself.

Your situation is very rough, and you wonder what good will come of it, but remember that your children will not permanently 'take sides'. You are their mother. Nothing changes that bond. Sometimes, it just takes time for the children to heal from the hurt before realizing what they really have in you.


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## hopefloats (Sep 25, 2010)

Takris,

Thank you so much for your reply, you have helped me and have given me things to think and rethink about. 

Most of all thank you for the statement about my boys and taking sides. That statement helped me more than you know. Wanting it and hearing it from some one else makes it seem possible. 

At this point the house is my bargening tool. I don't want this to drag out once it gets started. I just want a life that is free from this constant turmoil. I am ready to take down this wall I have around myself, and allow myself to be happy, to dream, and live without fear. 

I guess also.. we could be ordered to sale the house and split the equity. Or perhaps when the market picks back up. I need to ask an attorney if it will be held against me if I move out while all this is resolved. I have been looking at apartments. With his side home repair business, and all his tools, etc. stored in the basement, I don't want him to take the liberty of coming and going as he pleases. 

The strangest thing to me is... I can look at this man and feel nothing, no love, no hate --the only thing is perhaps pity..


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