# Wandering Eyes..



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

How do you articulate to your husband how gutting this can feel to his wife? Yes, I know I am insecure and I need to get over it. Yes, I know not all women are bothered by it - but for those of us that are bothered by it, how do you really get him to understand your reality? I know and he knows that I'm vulnerable, even moreso now that I'm 160 pounds and 16 weeks pregnant. I feel like the most hideous thing alive when he oogles other women, and continues to do so even after I tell him how I feel uncomfortable with it. It hurts even more that he doesn't say nice things or compliments to me, except rarely. (Even then it feels forced and perhaps coherced at times). I know it seems petty, but I'm not sure how not to feel this way...  I don't want it to effect me the way it does.
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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Don't buy the "all men do it, it's natural" line. There are plenty of men who don't do it. I married one of them. He's always oblivious to passers-by and I sometimes will see a really beautiful woman and comment, and he always looks confused and says "what?" And I can tell because I can see his eyes, he really and truly doesn't look around when we're together, and if we're walking, he isn't looking at other women as women. So many men will give you the "every man does it" and "men are visual creatures" lines, but they are just excuses to be able to continue doing it with no consequences. And it's just plain lies. My husband isn't the only man I've met who doesn't - I've dated several others as well. 

I don't know what you should tell him, I probably wouldn't keep dating a guy like that so have no experience for you - just wanted you to know it's NOT "every guy" and it's perfectly possible to be a "visual" person and not look at every woman who walks by.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you both. He often says that I am "looking" for something to fight about. As if I control what he does with his eyeballs!  He says things like I "should grow up" and "stop being so insecure". These things hurt me deeply. So now, being communicative about my vulnerability is immature, and I should randomly go out and get some security because I just plain don't have it after the repeated exposure to his insensitivity. I want to care less what he thinks and think better of myself. I'm not excusing my low self-esteem by any means, but these things take a toll on me. It's difficult to not let it effect me. When we were friends and then when we first started dating he only had eyes for me, and that was a HUGE part of the reason I was attracted to him. Now that we've both changed I feel less interested in arguing and more interested in leaving. I am okay living by myself; I did it for years. I was more confident when I wasn't living with someone so critical and so stingy with praise. Why do I let him get...
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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

My wife and I have this saying "Just because I'm on a diet does not mean I cant look at the menu". We may be married, but we are not dead. Marriage does not make good blinders. We look, but we dont oogle. We are secure in our marriage. We dont look with desire for another. I love my wife and dont need anyone else to fill any spot in my life. Maybe you should start looking as well?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

...the satisfaction of getting under my skin? It's getting to the point where I'm having the "grass is greener" syndrome myself, and that isn't healthy. I'm not getting the value and respect I need from him, and I don't want to 'waste' my time waiting and deteriorating anymore. I've opened discussions about divorce because I feel like there isn't a healthy way to recover what little esteem I had while I'm with him. Of course, he reacts by accusing me of having someone else already and it's not true. I'm talking about being self-sufficient again, because that is what makes me feel good about me. I think he is a good person, but oblivious as to how to be a good husband. 
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Accipiter777 said:


> Maybe you should start looking as well?


 I don't like to play games. I find my husband very attractive and see no need look elsewhere. What I'm talking about is restoring my confidence, with or without him. Obviously he's going to do what he's going to do, and in order to not leave him I need to understand how I can improve myself. I'm 4 months pregnant and I've only gained 10 lbs. When he stares at women much smaller than me, it's like running over my self-esteem with a steamroller. I want to feel attractive to him and I feel he is putting most of his energy outside of marriage. It's something I've explained to him, so he's not oblivious. It seems intentional at this point and I'm fed up.
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## DesperateHouseWife (Oct 24, 2011)

Accipiter777 said:


> My wife and I have this saying "Just because I'm on a diet does not mean I cant look at the menu".
> 
> 
> "I love this quote" I'm gonna start saying that.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I once caught an idiot BF doing this...he did it ALL the time, and not just a glance this time, he was breaking his neck to look at her! I was fed up. So I got up, and started saying "Excuse me, Miss? Miss?", until she noticed us at our table, and then I started motioning her over, much to BF's embarrassment! "What are you doing????" he hissed at me. I said, "I'm calling her over so that you can introduce yourself, you seemed pretty interested! Miss? Miss? Can you please come over here for a minute?"...he slunk in his seat like a naughty school boy...it was hilarious. I told Svetlanna I had mistaken her for someone else. He never did it again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> I once caught an idiot BF doing this...he did it ALL the time, and not just a glance this time, he was breaking his neck to look at her! I was fed up. So I got up, and started saying "Excuse me, Miss? Miss?", until she noticed us at our table, and then I started motioning her over, much to BF's embarrassment! "What are you doing????" he hissed at me. I said, "I'm calling her over so that you can introduce yourself, you seemed pretty interested! Miss? Miss? Can you please come over here for a minute?"...he slunk in his seat like a naughty school boy...it was hilarious. I told Svetlanna I had mistaken her for someone else. He never did it again.


That is calling him out alright, although I don't think I would have wanted to be Svetlanna. Had she had any idea what was going on, she would have found you MAD. 



> It hurts even more that he doesn't say nice things or compliments to me, except rarely. (Even then it feels forced and perhaps coherced at times). I know it seems petty, but I'm not sure how not to feel this way


 I don't think this is petty at all. You feel this way because of his treatment of you, makes all the sense in the world to me. 

How was he before you married? 

Although we all need to work on some insecurities,- our spoues should be open & *sensitive *to where we are and offer their support, just as we should with them (for example if they lost thier job or something -this is a killer for men)......this spells love. Being pregnant is a very very very vulnerable time, we all felt like a bleached whale. 

Without a little doting from our men ON US, it hurts!! I'd want to spit on anything if I felt it was being forced. 

If you have already layed your heart out before him and he has ignored it & keeps doing what he KNOWS is tearing you up inside -and blatenty in your presence. I think it is time to 'Woman up" .... 

Get this book http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-*****es-Relationship/dp/1580627560 Don't be dismayed by the title, alot of good stuff in there, about building confidence in ourselves.... this could be equivelent to the Men's "No more Mr Nice Guy".


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think it's worth pointing out that there is a HUGE difference between "feeling insecure" and "being insecure," or to put it slightly different, "living without security." 

Security is not something we should all take for granted that we should all have. NOT EVERYONE HAS security. Those who don't have it don't just FEEL insecure. They ARE insecure. 

You can't tell someone to "stop being" insecure. You can tell someone to stop feeling insecure. 

Your husband cannot tell you to stop being insecure. He can either complain about how you feel, or he can GIVE YOU security. Which he has chosen not to do.

I absolutely disagree with the quote above, "Just because I'm on a diet does not mean I cant look at the menu." We choose to get married to become fulfilled, not to deny ourselves something that we want. The "marital lifestyle" is not one of feeling that we are "going without" - if it is, we made a mistake.

I don't think that you looking elsewhere is the solution to this problem. The problem is that his behavior makes you feel bad. She shouldn't have to start behaving in a disrespectful way towards her husband to restore the balance here. And since he didn't do this until after they had been married for a while, one can hardly say that she should have known. 

I would not be surprised if YinPrincess is feeling insecure because she is insecure, and that is becoming much more important now that she is expecting her first child with this guy, and they have a pile of other problems as well. All of this stuff together, especially in light of the baby, highlight the fact that security is lacking in this relationship. This is just one symptom of that.


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## J&J (Jan 27, 2014)

Quick question....

My girl has "wandering eyes".. and when she asked , what does that mean exactly..

So what do you feel is a "wandering eye"?
When does a "wandering eye" go to far?
When the "wandering eye" is noticed by the opposite sex (the "target"), and they continue to make eye contact from across the room, over and over and over.... what is this called?

Just curious.... cause to me.. a wandering eye is just someone that people watches and is ok to a degree... eye contact over and over.. is totally different.. your opinion?


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