# Can no sex due to lost respect...be repaired?



## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

So have read numerous posts and threads discussing a loss of respect as a reason for lack of desire/attraction.

It seems the reasons for loss of respect is many ...
doormat behavior, neediness, clingy, failing the many s--t test, trying to connect, overly conscious and concerns over wife's moods ...etc..etc..

It also seems that the female spouse actaully at times WISHES she did not lose the resiecgt for her husband at all. In the case of many BPD wives, the irony is that they largely contributed to all the above behaviors. 

So for all those earnest - cofnident - and strong men - who may have acted in ways that have lost thier wifes respect - - the question is:
CAN it be regained?
Can she look again at us in a passionate, desirous, attracted way?

Need to hear if any of you found it was possible, did it, etc..

Thanks
Night


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

in many cases, sure

you have to man up...be the alpha guy that she craves.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

nightmoves8 said:


> So have read numerous posts and threads discussing a loss of respect as a reason for lack of desire/attraction.
> 
> It seems the reasons for loss of respect is many ...
> doormat behavior, neediness, clingy, failing the many s--t test, trying to connect, overly conscious and concerns over wife's moods ...etc..etc..
> ...


I prefer the idea of one changing themselves or changing their perspective of an existing problem.

Ultimately you can't " make " you wife or anyone else respect you , but you can respect yourself enough to work on yourself. 

A good place to start is building a self confidence that isn't too dependent on what or not she or anyone else thinks of you.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> A good place to start is building a self confidence that isn't too dependent on what or not she or anyone else thinks of you.


I think this is it in a nutshell. If you believe in yourself and have the confidence to stand up for yourself, she will either respect you or you will not be afraid to find someone who does.

I think it is possible to regain lost respect. Whether or not that leads to increased attraction is dependent on many factors.


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## Cleaver Brooks (Jan 19, 2014)

Definately work on yourself. It is not easy. Especially if this is a situation that has been going on for a long time. I've been working on my self for 8 months now and my wife tests me every day. I like to think with every test I pass, I am one step closer to the respect you speak of. It was a long road down and will be a long road out. don't expect over night successes but do enjoy the road.


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## Macdonals (Sep 2, 2014)

Cleaver Brooks said:


> Definately work on yourself. It is not easy. Especially if this is a situation that has been going on for a long time. I've been working on my self for 8 months now and my wife tests me every day. I like to think with every test I pass, I am one step closer to the respect you speak of. It was a long road down and will be a long road out. don't expect over night successes but do enjoy the road.


How have you been working on improving yourself? I could use some tips.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

read mmslp
* work out, especially lifting weights
* don't be a doormat
* don't whine
* do stuff (hobbies)


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes. It requires change, commitment and patience, but it is possible. It took me 8 months to regain it after over 2 years of doormat behavior.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Yes. It requires change, commitment and patience, but it is possible. It took me 8 months to regain it after over 2 years of doormat behavior.


That is encouraging! You should post the gist of how you turned that situation around.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> in many cases, sure
> 
> 
> 
> you have to man up...be the alpha guy that she craves.



If you have never dealt with a BPD you can be as alpha as they get and it won't do you an ounce of good.

They don't call them personality disorders for nothing.

Personal view: difficult to accomplish in a normal non BPD partner relationship and impossible with a BPD partner.

A normal partner can earn your respect again especially if it's to your mutual benefit. A BPD does not place any important to such mundane details - it's the cart that drives the horse.

Let me be very frank - in a BPD relationship sex should be the least of your concerns.... You could be having awesome sex but at the end of the day the BPD is still BPD and you have likely managed to rug sweep entire dustbins' worth of issues due to good sex...


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

I am in this same problem. I have been told to "shut up" at family gatherings" and called so many names by my wife and told I don't know how to do, ahem, other things very well, that I no longer want to even do them. And the thing is, she still tries to get me "in the mood" but lately I just turn her away. Eventually this will lead to a bad place, but I cannot change the way I feel.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Garrett said:


> I am in this same problem. I have been told to "shut up" at family gatherings" and called so many names by my wife and told I don't know how to do, ahem, other things very well, that I no longer want to even do them. And the thing is, she still tries to get me "in the mood" but lately I just turn her away. Eventually this will lead to a bad place, but I cannot change the way I feel.


Garret, your problem is your wife is a witch! There is nothing you could do to turn her into a polite, respectful, loving person. There is nothing anyone on this planet could do to make that happen.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Garrett said:


> I am in this same problem. I have been told to "shut up" at family gatherings" and called so many names by my wife and told I don't know how to do, ahem, other things very well, that I no longer want to even do them. And the thing is, she still tries to get me "in the mood" but lately I just turn her away. Eventually this will lead to a bad place, but I cannot change the way I feel.



Well, since I have exhausted my quota of "bail out" suggestions for the month, let's give this a try...

A few questions... For both of you

- highest education level 
- employment status
- job type
- parental status
- upbringing (strict, good, DIY...)

Name calling and similar behaviors could suggest a relatively underdeveloped social upbringing - most people have enough common sense to keep such thoughts private.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hello John - 

Was the query to which two?

Nightmoves...(OP)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Garret - I find it curious that even in comfortable settings his wife acts this way. Too much reality TV ??


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Don't know your backstory night. I believe CM has it. John is on the right track just to find out if it's even worth an attempt in the failing marriage, any really.

You have to not care as much anymore to get to the place where you can figure out what you want again. Then, respect for yourself will command respect from others, not demand. Some will never respect you. That's normal life. Sometimes, a wife knows too much about you and she thinks of those things when she thinks of you. 

I'm not accusing, just offering thoughts. Even I have commanded some respect IRL. It's all about you and what you think of yourself, displayed through your language, emotion and action or inaction.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well, my thinking us that if her role model is "generic guest in reality show" that can be fixed. I live in a part of the USA with a wide variation of people, from money makers to professors to business people to blue collar and farmer types. All hard working honest folk. But their kids don't always go the right way esp if parental involvement wasn't there... If this is the case and her idea of marriage is Teen Mom then well, you got some reeducation to run.

If she had a more mainstream upbringing and that's the way she is, maybe it's a personality disorder in which case take a number and join us 

First understand what you're dealing with...


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

john117 said:


> If you have never dealt with a BPD you can be as alpha as they get and it won't do you an ounce of good.
> 
> They don't call them personality disorders for nothing.
> 
> ...


I can't help but nod in total agreement with what is mentioned here. I could care less about the alpha/beta terms thrown around here, but what I do know is this. BPD will destroy even the strongest of men if allowed.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It hasn't destroyed me yet 

It might still (Marie Curie style) nuke me as it seems like a science project as much as a relationship to me but it's not too bad if you're determined to come out ahead.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

nightmoves8 said:


> So have read numerous posts and threads discussing a loss of respect as a reason for lack of desire/attraction.
> 
> It seems the reasons for loss of respect is many ...
> doormat behavior, neediness, clingy, failing the many s--t test, trying to connect, overly conscious and concerns over wife's moods ...etc..etc..
> ...


If you change your behavior and attitude to make her respect you more....Nope.

If you change your behavior and attitude that demands respect for it's own reward and reasons....then yes.

The problem is, if you do it for your spouse, you'll never succeed long term, because you're still the "craving their approval" person....IE the very origination of the problem.

If you do it for yourself....IE not giving a dang about them....you'll change the components inside yourself that you need to and others (your spouse included) will respect you more.


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