# Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog



## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

My problem is a bit different from a lot of the other dog-related posts I have read here. I have a loving wife and a well-behaved dog, but she just doesn't like dogs. I have had the dog for 6 years now and had him when we started dating a couple years ago. We got married a year ago, but before that she seemed to like the dog. She never claimed to be a dog lover but never said she disliked them either, so I never anticipated any big issues. After getting married and living together in a house for a few months, she tells me that she now realizes she does not like living with a dog. She explains that she did not know this before as she would only stay over occasionally and have never previously lived with one.

He used to sleep in a crate in my room upstairs, but she didn't even want him upstairs at all. We compromised and I moved him to the guest room upstairs even though it broke my heart, and barred him from entering our room. I also make sure to keep the floor clean because she does not like his hair all over the place, and keep him off the furniture. He does not have any of the behavioral issues that most people in my situation complain about (no accidents/aggression/biting/chewing/barking/etc), and I take care of him 100%. He just likes to lick and occasionally beg when we eat, but I am in the process of training him to stop. She has also complained about him coming near the dining table when we eat, entering the kitchen, and just being near her in general, even though she has no allergies. The problem is, we live in a very small 700 sq ft townhouse so it is a bit hard to keep them separate, and I have explained to her that I can't keep him outside because it gets too cold here.

To her credit, my wife has been generally nice to the dog and has genuinely tried to make things work. However, anytime we fight or she is in a bad mood, she brings up "the dog", and how she doesn't like living with him. Our fights get bad because I get protective of the dog. She thinks that I should be happy that I get to keep him, and when I protest, she says that if I love the dog so much, she can move out. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells with anything to do with the dog, and am terrified of him doing something she doesn't like. I thought things would get better over time, but her patience/tolerance seems to be decreasing to the point of fighting about him every week now. My wife loves me and I know she won't make me give up the dog right now, but that might change if/when we have a kid - she has already said she doesn't want the dog near the baby. I really want to make this work, but if things will get worse when we have a family, maybe I need to consider that being together might not be the best idea?

Sorry for the long post - I just wanted to be as detailed as possible. 
My question is - has anyone else been in a similar situation too? Does anyone have any advice/tips on how to handle this?

Thanks for reading and giving your advice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In the grand scheme of things, your wife/family are more important than a dog. But it sounds to me like she pulled a bait and switch on you when it comes to your dog. Marrying someone and then pulling a bait and switch is a profound form of manipulation and dishonesty.

My take on it is that the dog is her excuse to push you around emotionally. If you get rid of the dog, she will just find another reason to mistreat you and keep you walking on egg shells.

How does she behave about your friends and family? Does she have a problem with any of them?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In the long run If you want to keep your wife, you'll have to get rid of your dog. On the other hand if you want to keep your dog, you'll have to get rid of your wife.

Ultimately you'll have to decide which one of them you prefer to have around.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> My take on it is that the dog is her excuse to push you around emotionally. If you get rid of the dog, she will just find another reason to mistreat you and keep you walking on egg shells.


Not necessarily, if she didn't grow up with cats and dogs etc, it is highly likely she didn't realise what she was getting herself into.

My wife has little experience of living with pets at all, until we got ourselves a cat (a lovely pure breed Turkish Angora) a few years ago. We lasted 8 months before, we had to find a new home for that cat. Just as lots of people really like having pets, there are lots of people whose skin crawls when they're near them.

Absent such exposure some people don't find out they don't like pets, until they end up living with them as adults. 

I will also add that despite the fact I grew up with cats, dogs and birds and have rescued domestic animals and wildlife even in recent years and still happily interact with domestic animals. Having now lived without any pets for over 20 years (excempting the cat we owned), I don't want to have any pets in any home I live in ever again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I would never give up my dogs. No way. It's not about the dogs being more important than my husband either, it's about the fact that if he asked me to give them up knowing how much I love them and how it would break my heart, then he doesn't really love me enough. It would kill any love I had for him in the long run.

You can't force him to live outside either, that's cruel and there's no point in having him.

If you really can't choose do you have family nearby who he could live with? Then you'd still get to see him. Tell your wife that - tell her that fine, you'll give him to your parents but you'll be over there every night and all weekend hanging out with him...see how she likes that hehehehe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Love me, love my dog.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

People have such different perspectives when it comes to animals. OP you are use to having the dog in your life, and probably barely notice the dozens of things you do everyday to cater to your dog. The licking, the hair, the constant moving presence of the dog, that's what you are accustomed to. But for someone who has not had an animal it can be over whelming, the constant movement, your wife can't have any peace and quiet in her home. The hair, yuk, the licking, double yuk, and who wants to sit at the dinner table with some dog panting at the table blowing their dog breath at you and having to look at that big ole tongue hanging out? Yuk, yuk, yuk. 

I would guess she really didn't understand what living with a dog would be like, I would bet it's a bit overwhelming for her. Compromise? Honestly I don't know what would work. get rid of the dog or get rid of the wife maybe, I just don't see a middle ground because of where you live. 

There may be other things going on as well, you say she brings the dog up every fight, she may obsess about the dog using it as a tool to vent her frustration at you about something else, something she doesn't want to bring up or doesn't have the right words to express her frustration.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You had the dog before you had your wife. It is probably like a child to you.

It may sound extreme, but I would advise giving up the wife before giving up the dog. Tell her you are sorry, but you are taking her up on her offer to move out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Love me, love my dog.


Ain't that the truth!

I have always been a dog person and grew up with pets to love. My DH grew up without so much as a gold fish.

When DH and I were dating, my Toy Poodle was a brief problem. DH didn't want the responsibility of a pet and gently suggested I "get rid" of the dog. My reply was quite simple and very honest. I explained to DH that my dog and I had been together through the births of my kids, the death of my mother, and my marriage ending. He was a good and loyal friend throughout. I told him that if it came down to him or the dog, well, I'd miss him.

The next night, he started taking my dog for walks and they bonded.

The companionship of animals is unlike any other relationship. I wouldn't want to live without the love and laughter brought into my life by my dogs. If DH would have been unwilling to live with and at least be kind to my pets, I would have considered that a major incompatibility in terms of interests and lifestyle and ended the relationship.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Ain't that the truth!
> 
> I have always been a dog person and grew up with pets to love. My DH grew up without so much as a gold fish.
> 
> ...


Totally agree.

And I don't even have pets!


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

It's not just this dog either. Unless something seriously changes, your wife will probably never want a pet. Are you ok with that for a lifetime?

My husband hated cats and didn't want a dog because they were too much hassle. One of the first things I did after he moved out was get two cats. I would never want to live a pet free life again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe you could consider getting a bigger place?

700 Sq feet is awfully small to be tripping over even a well behaved dog.

And it's not much space for a dog to play anyway.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Unless we're talking about the mutt guarding the gates of Hades, I would have grave concerns about someone unable to bond with an animal.

My wife was not a pet person. In her culture, pets are unclean. Yet we fostered DD1's monster cat, long fur and talons and all, for four months. 

What are her specific concerns? Not "the dog", rather, shedding, mess, expenses, ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jld said:


> Totally agree.
> 
> And I don't even have pets!


I'm actually surprised! You have kids and a husband that often travels for work. I figured you had at least one companion animal to keep you company.

When the kids were young and DH was away more than he was home, I got myself and the kids a large guardian breed dog. Great company when I was alone at night after the kids went to bed, cuddles anytime I wanted them, and a good guard dog in case of emergency.

I currently have an American Bulldog (he's the guardian breed if you aren't familiar), a Pit Bull, and a Basset Hound. I also have a 35 year old tortoise, a 5 year old African Grey parrot, and two 2 year old Betta fish that my daughter left when she moved out. 

On New Years Eve, our 15 year old cat passed away. DS, who is also 15 and grew up with the cat, is brokenhearted. I asked DH if we should consider getting a new kitten from the local shelter, but he said he would prefer not to. Something about not needing to have the entire food chain under one roof.... :laugh:



lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe you could consider getting a bigger place?
> 
> 700 Sq feet is awfully small to be tripping over even a well behaved dog.
> 
> And it's not much space for a dog to play anyway.


Before we bought our house, we had an 800 sq ft 2 bedroom single story rental with us, 3 young kids, a dog, and two cats. The cats were lazy and were pretty much window sill decoration. The dog spent most of his time sleeping and got his play and exercise needs met during his walks. It worked out well, but I must say I was happy when we bought a larger house. Not because the dog was underfoot, but because the kids were! :grin2:

If OP has trained his pet and does the feeding, walking, and cleaning related to the dog, even the small space shouldn't be much of an issue. If the dog was a marauding beast in need of training and discipline, it would be different.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> It's not just this dog either. Unless something seriously changes, your wife will probably never want a pet. Are you ok with that for a lifetime?
> 
> My husband hated cats and didn't want a dog because they were too much hassle. *One of the first things I did after he moved out was get two cats. *I would never want to live a pet free life again.


Good insurance policy against him having a change of heart and wanting to come home.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

See if you can relocate the dog for say 2 weeks and watch your wife's behavior. Was she using the dog as a scapegoat for other problems or is she now happy as a clam. If she still finds crap to b!tch about, then you have to decide whether you can stomach being married to a constant complainer. You also have to decide if you want to go the rest of your life without a pet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@qwerster And when she compels you to get rid of the dog... what's next? :scratchhead:

Question for you. Has she *really* tried to get on with your dog?

Or did she play lip service to the idea whilst thinking: "I'll pretend to try to get on with the dog.

"However, eventually I can get rid of the dog. Then I'll get rid of his friends, then his family, then I can shape qwerster into what I want him to be"?


*Everyone* who gets together with the owner of any type of pet -dog, cat, bird, horse, whatever- knows that they will get to play second fiddle to the pet at least part of the time.

Why your wife doesn't know this is questionable.

Is she really marriageable material?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

You can always get a new wife, you can't always get a new dog (well, you can, but I would stick with the dog lol)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> Unless we're talking about the mutt guarding the gates of Hades, I would have grave concerns about someone unable to bond with an animal.
> 
> My wife was not a pet person. In her culture, pets are unclean. Yet we fostered DD1's monster cat, long fur and talons and all, for four months.
> 
> What are her specific concerns? Not "the dog", rather, shedding, mess, expenses, ...


I'm not a dog person.....never was even though we had nice dogs when I was growing up. I doubt I'd bond with one now 

I'd never mistreat a dog.....in fact I helped save one recently as I was out running and someone's poodle had gotten out of their yard and was running crazy through the road and wouldn't go to the owner become they were freaking out.

The road was winding and cars may not have seen the dog before hitting him. 

I stopped my very nice stride, got on my knees, opened my arms and called out to the dog in the nicest voice I have and he came running right to me. That dog had no idea I don't care for dogs.

I do however love cats. I had two I loved growing up and I have one now. 

I'd never ask a guy to get rid of his dog unless said dog was dangerous or destructive but I don't think not bonding with one is necessarily problematic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> You had the dog before you had your wife. It is probably like a child to you.
> 
> It may sound extreme, but I would advise giving up the wife before giving up the dog. Tell her you are sorry, but you are taking her up on her offer to move out.


I have a friend who owns a couple of horses.

She started dating a man who said: "You spend too much time with your horses. It's either me or them!"

Her response was: "I'll miss you. Actually, no I won't. Just f**k off out of my life!"

The chap she's been living with for the past 14 years, sharing a lovely country cottage, was told in advance that her horses came first. He looked at her, puzzled and said: "Well... of course they do! Everyone knows that!" 

But then again, she doesn't mind his lurcher dog and his ferrets! :smthumbup:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm actually surprised! You have kids and a husband that often travels for work. I figured you had at least one companion animal to keep you company.
> 
> When the kids were young and DH was away more than he was home, I got myself and the kids a large guardian breed dog. Great company when I was alone at night after the kids went to bed, cuddles anytime I wanted them, and a good guard dog in case of emergency.
> 
> ...



I'm sure a small place could work if you really like the dog. 

I was just thinking that a little more space might calm things down.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I agree with the majority here. She knew about the dog from the jump, it's unfair to ask that you get rid of it now. 

I've never lived with dogs and would have never imagined living with them in my future. My partner made it clear from the beginning that he was a dog lover and that he would be keeping his dogs. I wasn't happy about it but he was firm. He started out with just 1 and today we have 4 dogs. He does all the work required to care for them and never asks for my input. All he asks is that they're not mistreated. He wants more but we agreed that 4 is more than a good compromise. I couldn't imagine asking him to get rid of any of them. 

It's obvious to me now that pet lovers have a very strong bond with their animals, its like asking to get rid of a child. Crazy!

She's the one who has the issue with the dog, she should be responsible for coming up with a fair compromise.

Edited to add: I have a hard time buying the idea that she only now realized she didn't like living with the dog. She visited prior and I'm sure she stayed over for multiple nights on end. She realized she didn't like the dog from the time she had you put it out of the bedroom.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with those who suggest getting a larger place to live. However, that may not solve the problem. She just had no idea what she was getting into marrying a guy with a dog and living with a pet full time. It happens - not her fault, or yours, or the dog's. How to deal with it, though? I wouldn't get rid of the dog; but perhaps you can agree to not get another one when that day inevitably comes. If not, I'm sure you can find another wife eventually.

I like animals, and have had cats and dogs. My ex got our dog - better environment for him. My current wife had two cats when we met, but they belonged to her housemate. We kept them for him - and I enjoyed having them (despite being allergic) - for a couple of years when he moved and couldn't have them in his rental. Now, neither of us want any pets, because we don't want the responsibility, and we do want the freedom to travel - which we are doing. Now, it's enough to have friends with pets. Just like it's better to have friends with yachts than to own one!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> See if you can relocate the dog for say 2 weeks and watch your wife's behavior. Was she using the dog as a scapegoat for other problems or is she now happy as a clam. If she still finds crap to b!tch about, then you have to decide whether you can stomach being married to a constant complainer. You also have to decide if you want to go the rest of your life without a pet.


This, great suggestion. I can't help but think that if it weren't the dog, it'd be something else.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

People that don't have pets may not fully understand the connection between the owner and pet. I've always had pets and couldn't imagine my life without one. It would break my heart if my husband told me to get rid of my dog. I just don't think I could do it unless it was for safety reasons of course. 

Your dog sounds like a good dog. And because of that and the fact that you had the dog before the relationship, I'd ask her to stick it out. I get that she claims she didn't know what it was like to live with one but she needs to work on her tolerance. Maybe it would help if she bonded with it? 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

frusdil said:


> I would never give up my dogs. No way. It's not about the dogs being more important than my husband either, it's about the fact that if he asked me to give them up knowing how much I love them and how it would break my heart, then he doesn't really love me enough. It would kill any love I had for him in the long run.


This X 10.

She sounds like a princess. You have twisted yourself into a pretzel trying to find 'some' way to get her to accept your dog, and that is beta behavior and the more you do it, the more she expects and the less she respects (or wants) you.

My advice: read the book No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't particularly like animals, but I could never tolerate harm coming to one. I didn't want cats, but my wife really did, and when one of them got lost on the room, I spent hours climbing around our slippery roof (over a probably lethal drop to the canyon below) trying to find the #&#$ cat. (the cat came, back, it was fine).

I don't think anyone should ever be pressured to give up an animal. When you take in an animal you are accepting responsibility for its care for the rest of its natural life. I don't think that is a responsibility you can ever give up.

If your wife had a medical issue that prevented you from having a dog, then I think you are bound to find the dog a GOOD home - however much effort and $$ that might take. 

At the end of the dog's natural life, don't get another. No one should ever be forced to give up a pet, but its not fair to force someone to live with a pet.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> In the grand scheme of things, your wife/family are more important than a dog. But it sounds to me like she pulled a bait and switch on you when it comes to your dog. Marrying someone and then pulling a bait and switch is a profound form of manipulation and dishonesty.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I was going to post, but this says it all. 

Keep the dog, get rid of the wife. Seriously.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

All I can think is, it's a sh17 test. 

She knew what she was getting. You can't accept and then later complain about things. 

I think it's a test to see if you'll pick the dog over her. If your dog was wild and misbehaving I might side with her, even then I'd think training was the first best step. But the dog sounds well behaved. 

I'd make it clear to her that you and the dog are a package deal, end of. 

Just curious, did she give up something important to be with you?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

To me this is one of those situations where there isn't much room to compromise. So OP has a tough decision to make - the wife or the dog.

Everything that has been said isn't wrong: on the one hand it is difficult for a non pet person to acclimate to animals. 

On the other, if the dog left, would wife move onto the next thing to control you over. (I don't want you riding your bike, playing video games, hanging out with XYZ)

I like the idea of trying a bigger house, but let's be honest, you could move into a 5000 square foot mansion, huge house, but the dog will still want to be around you and by association your wife. You would have to lock him up in a room(s). Not ideal to the dog.

Comes down to a sh!tty choice OP needs to make.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another thought: I can't imagine raising kids without them having a pet.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

I have dogs & cats. I can't imagine giving mine up for anyone. Dogs are loyal and they love you unconditionally. Seldom do humans do this. Even though she doesn't care for the dog, the dog loves her because of you. You 3 are a pack and you are his leader.

Keep your dog. If she loved you, she wouldn't want you to be heart broken by giving him up. It's manipulation & if it wasn't your dog, it would be something else.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Síocháin said:


> I have dogs & cats. I can't imagine giving mine up for anyone. Dogs are loyal and they love you unconditionally. Seldom do humans do this. Even though she doesn't care for the dog, the dog loves her because of you. You 3 are a pack and you are his leader.
> 
> Keep your dog. If she loved you, she wouldn't want you to be heart broken by giving him up. It's manipulation & if it wasn't your dog, it would be something else.


I think this is stretching it, a lot. How on earth would you know it's manipulation and that "if it wasn't the dog it would be something else"?? Maybe she just didn't realize what living with a dog would be like.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do not put the dog outside,it would be cruel after him living inside for so long.Dogs are pack animals,they consider you and your wife as part of their family and would really suffer if suddenly separated from you.

If you want to know which of them loves you the most lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and when you let them out see which one of them is glad to see you.lol.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sure a small place could work if you really like the dog.
> 
> I was just thinking that a little more space might calm things down.


OP has already removed the dog's sleeping crate to a new room and agreed the dog couldn't be on the furniture or the second level of the house. I don't think a larger space would help. As someone else pointed out, the dog will want to be with his humans as dogs are pack animals. Getting a larger house wouldn't make a difference because the dog would be following around OP, seeking his attention and affection. That's just what dogs do. 

I seriously haven't been to the bathroom alone in more years than I care to admit.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Keeping the dog away from people is kind of mean to the dog.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

@Livvie, I don't know for sure it is, it just feels that way and I'm not the only one who thinks it. But back at you, how in the world do you know it's not? She brings his dog up every time they fight. That is manipulation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> This, great suggestion. I can't help but think that if it weren't the dog, it'd be something else.


This is my thought too. I wish that the OP would return and answer the question I asked him in my post.

He has not give enough info yet to know what is really going on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

qwerster,

Please answer the question I asked. It's important.

How does she behave about your friends and family? Does she have a problem with any of them? 

.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Even if you had your wife before your dog, the dog would still be staying.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Give in on this and she'll have you in the crate. I'd say "adios b!tch." And I wouldn't be talking to the dog.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

Wow, you guys respond quick! Sorry for the late response - I'm at work so I have to be sneaky about being on this site =)

I really appreciate all the input and will try to respond to individual posts.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This sounds like the ole dreaded marital bait and switch. She would say anything you wanted to heart before marrying you and expect you to change everything to her liking afterward. Same thing happened to me. I would tell her that since this wasn't an issue and never was brought up before, nothing will change now. Move the dog's create back in your room, she can leave if she wants. If you cave on this you're marriage will end up like mine, and you don't want that!


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> In the grand scheme of things, your wife/family are more important than a dog. But it sounds to me like she pulled a bait and switch on you when it comes to your dog. Marrying someone and then pulling a bait and switch is a profound form of manipulation and dishonesty.
> 
> My take on it is that the dog is her excuse to push you around emotionally. If you get rid of the dog, she will just find another reason to mistreat you and keep you walking on egg shells.
> 
> How does she behave about your friends and family? Does she have a problem with any of them?


EleGirl: Upon impulse, I do get mad at my wife because of how the dog only became an issue after we got married, but I really do think she originally thought she would be okay with living with the dog. I knew she wasn't a dog person and was okay with that. She grew up on a farm and her family had outdoor dogs that she helped take care of, so I think the issue really is that she doesn't like them inside. Even she acknowledges that the dog living outside here is not an option due to the weather. She is pretty reasonable and does not try to push me to do anything else. I honestly think our marriage would be so much better if I gave the dog away, but I also know I will resent her for it. It is a bit of a Catch 22 because he is a good dog, but she is a good wife too, who just happened to make the mistake of not knowing what it's like to live in a house we own with a dog.



Personal said:


> Not necessarily, if she didn't grow up with cats and dogs etc, it is highly likely she didn't realise what she was getting herself into.
> 
> My wife has little experience of living with pets at all, until we got ourselves a cat (a lovely pure breed Turkish Angora) a few years ago. We lasted 8 months before, we had to find a new home for that cat. Just as lots of people really like having pets, there are lots of people whose skin crawls when they're near them.
> 
> ...


Personal: She never had an indoor dog before she I really don't think she knew what she was getting into. Before this dog, my previous dog was also an outdoor dog (lived in a warm climate and had a huge yard back then), and it is a big adjustment having them inside, especially if you don't love them.

I will respond to more messages later. Thanks all!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Here's the thing. You say she is a good wife.

A good partner would see -- with his or her own eyes -- what kind of an effect forcing their spouse to get rid of their beloved dog would do. I can't imagine a "good wife" being readily able to break their husband's heart. If I was in your wife's position I would suck it up because i know how much the dog means to you.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I would never give up my dogs. No way. It's not about the dogs being more important than my husband either, it's about the fact that if he asked me to give them up knowing how much I love them and how it would break my heart, then he doesn't really love me enough. It would kill any love I had for him in the long run.
> 
> You can't force him to live outside either, that's cruel and there's no point in having him.
> 
> If you really can't choose do you have family nearby who he could live with? Then you'd still get to see him. Tell your wife that - tell her that fine, you'll give him to your parents but you'll be over there every night and all weekend hanging out with him...see how she likes that hehehehe.


frusdil: My wife knows how hard it is to give up my dog, so she hasn't given me an ultimatum to give him up yet. So far she has been trying to tolerate him and get used to the living situation, but it is just causing problems for us because it causes fights. I think I could keep both my marriage and the dog, but will just have to put up with the conflicts, so I am trying to figure out what is the best way forward. I don't have family or friends nearby to give him to, unfortunately =(



Cooper said:


> People have such different perspectives when it comes to animals. OP you are use to having the dog in your life, and probably barely notice the dozens of things you do everyday to cater to your dog. The licking, the hair, the constant moving presence of the dog, that's what you are accustomed to. But for someone who has not had an animal it can be over whelming, the constant movement, your wife can't have any peace and quiet in her home. The hair, yuk, the licking, double yuk, and who wants to sit at the dinner table with some dog panting at the table blowing their dog breath at you and having to look at that big ole tongue hanging out? Yuk, yuk, yuk.
> 
> I would guess she really didn't understand what living with a dog would be like, I would bet it's a bit overwhelming for her. Compromise? Honestly I don't know what would work. get rid of the dog or get rid of the wife maybe, I just don't see a middle ground because of where you live.
> 
> There may be other things going on as well, you say she brings the dog up every fight, she may obsess about the dog using it as a tool to vent her frustration at you about something else, something she doesn't want to bring up or doesn't have the right words to express her frustration.


Cooper: I completely agree. I think us dog lovers have trouble seeing them from the other side of the lens. This is also a house we have just bought so things might be different if it was a rental or someone else owned it. I love this woman and my dog, so I would like to find some kind of middle ground if possible. I brought up marriage counseling today, but she doesn't think it will help the situation with the dog. It might actually be good if there is something else she is frustrated about, because it would probably be easier to fix than giving up a pet!



Hellomynameis said:


> It's not just this dog either. Unless something seriously changes, your wife will probably never want a pet. Are you ok with that for a lifetime?
> 
> My husband hated cats and didn't want a dog because they were too much hassle. One of the first things I did after he moved out was get two cats. I would never want to live a pet free life again.


Hellomynameis: I am actually okay with not having another pet. After my previous dog died, I told myself I would never get another one because it was so painful to lose her. I only got my current dog because I happened upon him at an adoption event and we somehow clicked =)



lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe you could consider getting a bigger place?
> 
> 700 Sq feet is awfully small to be tripping over even a well behaved dog.
> 
> And it's not much space for a dog to play anyway.


lifeistooshort: That is actually one of the options I considered! I suggested to my wife that I could perhaps get a bigger house with a basement that leads outdoors, where I can keep him and hang out with him, and my wife just wouldn't go down there. I have a pretty decent sized backyard so we go out there a lot, but I really do think a bigger house might help my wife get more of her own space. The only problem is affording the bigger place =)



john117 said:


> Unless we're talking about the mutt guarding the gates of Hades, I would have grave concerns about someone unable to bond with an animal.
> 
> My wife was not a pet person. In her culture, pets are unclean. Yet we fostered DD1's monster cat, long fur and talons and all, for four months.
> 
> What are her specific concerns? Not "the dog", rather, shedding, mess, expenses, ...


john117: Her biggest concern peeve is his hair going all over the place. He is a nervous dog who shakes his body a lot, and she especially hates it when he does it near her. She wants me to train him to stop doing that, but that isn't really something that I can stop him from doing. I keep the dog and the house clean for the most part, but dog hair still somehow gets on her clothes and the sofa. I think it is stuff like that gradually builds up inside her until it blows up. She also doesn't like his licks, though I am training him to stop licking her.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You are probably already doing this, but frequent brushing would help cut down on the shedding.

Maybe compromise a little more on your part keep him out of the kitchen/dining room during meals so your wife can eat in peace.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Here's the thing. You say she is a good wife.
> 
> A good partner would see -- with his or her own eyes -- what kind of an effect forcing their spouse to get rid of their beloved dog would do. I can't imagine a "good wife" being readily able to break their husband's heart. If I was in your wife's position I would suck it up because i know how much the dog means to you.


This....You cook husbands the same way you cook lobsters. Put them in the pot and turn up the heat gradually. In two years, you won't recognize your wife or your life if she can't or won't understand the dog thing. Moreover, its not really about the dog. It's about control.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @qwerster And when she compels you to get rid of the dog... what's next? :scratchhead:
> 
> Question for you. Has she *really* tried to get on with your dog?
> 
> ...


MattMatt: I think she has tried. Probably not as hard as I would have liked, but she did try. To be honest, I am probably more controlling than her. She is very submissive and likes me to take the lead on most matters, which makes me even more stumped that she is so stubborn about this one issue. I think if we lived in a warm area, the dog lived outside, and I spent all my time out there, she wouldn't mind. We haven't had any problems about how much time I spend with him. In fact, she likes that I spend so much time outside because of the dog (I work too much and don't go out enough). 



Keke24 said:


> I agree with the majority here. She knew about the dog from the jump, it's unfair to ask that you get rid of it now.
> 
> I've never lived with dogs and would have never imagined living with them in my future. My partner made it clear from the beginning that he was a dog lover and that he would be keeping his dogs. I wasn't happy about it but he was firm. He started out with just 1 and today we have 4 dogs. He does all the work required to care for them and never asks for my input. All he asks is that they're not mistreated. He wants more but we agreed that 4 is more than a good compromise. I couldn't imagine asking him to get rid of any of them.
> 
> ...


Keke24: You are right, she should have known when she spent the nights over while we dated. Maybe it didn't matter that much at that time, because it was pretty much a messy bachelor pad apartment I rented and nothing there was hers. We also hardly cooked since we went out all the time. Now we cook and eat in all the time...and anyone who has had dogs knows that every now and then, you find dog hair in your cup/plate....



uhtred said:


> I don't particularly like animals, but I could never tolerate harm coming to one. I didn't want cats, but my wife really did, and when one of them got lost on the room, I spent hours climbing around our slippery roof (over a probably lethal drop to the canyon below) trying to find the #&#$ cat. (the cat came, back, it was fine).
> 
> I don't think anyone should ever be pressured to give up an animal. When you take in an animal you are accepting responsibility for its care for the rest of its natural life. I don't think that is a responsibility you can ever give up.
> 
> ...


uhtred: You are right - if she has allergies or something substantial, I might be more willing to give him up, but she doesn't have any health issues from the dog.



Satya said:


> All I can think is, it's a sh17 test.
> 
> She knew what she was getting. You can't accept and then later complain about things.
> 
> ...


Satya: Yeah, sometimes I wonder if it is a test too. She hasn't given me an ultimatum, but it scares me what will happen next since I know I will pick the dog. I don't think she gave up anything to be with me, though this is both our first marriages, so it has been a huge adjustment in terms of sharing responsibilities, putting up with each other's quirks, etc.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

Síocháin said:


> @Livvie, I don't know for sure it is, it just feels that way and I'm not the only one who thinks it. But back at you, how in the world do you know it's not? She brings his dog up every time they fight. That is manipulation.


Siochain: I think there is probably an element of manipulation when she brings the dog up for a completely different issue. She knows the dog is my soft spot and I will react to it. I get overly defensive, but it is also a super immature move.



EleGirl said:


> qwerster,
> 
> Please answer the question I asked. It's important.
> 
> ...


EleGirl: She is great with my friends and family. They all like her and she likes them. The only thing is she isn't a very social person. I am not either, but I'm definitely more so than her. She is very private and seldom ever talks to her friends/family about problems, so she never gets an outside perspective. I am considering having my parents talk to her about the dog. She won't listen to me, but maybe she will listen to them. OR, she could get mad at me for involving them in our problem =(


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

qwerster said:


> EleGirl: She is great with my friends and family. They all like her and she likes them. The only thing is she isn't a very social person. I am not either, but I'm definitely more so than her. She is very private and seldom ever talks to her friends/family about problems, so she never gets an outside perspective. I am considering having my parents talk to her about the dog. She won't listen to me, but maybe she will listen to them. OR, she could get mad at me for involving them in our problem =(


If she is very private as you say, having your parents talk to her about it. Will be regarded by her as a significant breech of her trust. I can assure you doing that will see her become more guarded with you.

If you want to be her safe space, respect her privacy.

Having personally seen and experienced both sides of those that are into pets and those who aren't. I can assure you those who come to find out they aren't into them can't help but not want to live with them.

All of this hyperbole about dogs and horse or whatever, over claims that your wife isn't marriage material is egregious nonsense. 

As much as you love your dog, your wife dislikes your dog. Neither of you are right or wrong, nor good or bad guy in this. Not everyone no matter how long their exposure, ends up bonding with other animals.

For some people like your wife, living with animal hair and the horrid smells and slobber. Really is a special kind of hell that grows worse with each passing day.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Oh, I get not wanting a dog around, especially one you did not really choose. and yes, I have a dog. It's a puppy that is well trained at crapping everywhere. 

having a dog in your wife's situation is kind of like me and my horrible stepdaughter. She is 16 and in the short three years I've known her she has:

Run away with a strange guy, wrecked the rug in her room, smokes weed, attacked her mom over getting a phone taken away from her, stolen countless phone cords from me, is a total pig/slob. Oh, and failed two years of high school. Lies constantly. Jut this week she snuck out at midnight and was brought home by the cops.

I'm counting the days until she turns 18 and cannot be in the house anymore. She is never going to turn it around. I didn't understand that when she arrived in my house.

That puppy that craps everywhere? By then, it'll be trained and a great dog for years to come.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

qwerster said:


> Siochain: I think there is probably an element of manipulation when she brings the dog up for a completely different issue. She knows the dog is my soft spot and I will react to it. I get overly defensive, but it is also a super immature move.


The above is very significant.

You say that you are the more controlling one. It does sound like the dog is something that she has honed in on as a way to 'get to you'. It's one way that she can equalize the power in your relationship.

Do you own a dog crate? If not get one. Crate train your dog. When you eat dinner, put your dog in his crate with his food. 

See if that changes how she relates to you.

Further: Your idea of bringing your parent into this is a very bad idea. It will ruin any good in the relationship with your parents.

Instead, how about getting into counseling with her to learn how to live together with some peace.

There are also two good books that could help you. Read them with her in this order: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". And do the work that they say to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you brush him every single day? That is a must.


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## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> In the grand scheme of things, your wife/family are more important than a dog. But it sounds to me like she pulled a bait and switch on you when it comes to your dog. Marrying someone and then pulling a bait and switch is a profound form of manipulation and dishonesty.
> 
> My take on it is that the dog is her excuse to push you around emotionally. If you get rid of the dog, she will just find another reason to mistreat you and keep you walking on egg shells.
> 
> How does she behave about your friends and family? Does she have a problem with any of them?


I completely disagree. That's the problem with people- they think one life is more important than another. 

Do not dare even consider giving up your dog. You have a well behaved good dog whom is at least 6 years old who would give it's life for you. There is no justification that your wife can ever come up with that will rationalize making you give up your dog. They say compassion for animals is intimately associated with goodness of character and it can be confidently asserted that he who is cruel to animals, cannot be a good man. I know your wife has not been "actively" cruel- but forcing you to give up your 6 year old best friend who loves you more than life its self is cruel in it's own right. Do not do it.

Having a baby is no excuse to get rid of the dog unless the dog shows aggression towards the baby- which based on your description of this dog- will NOT happen. Personally, I don't trust people who don't like dogs. As a dog lover, I think deep down you probably know how screwed up it is that your wife has so much disdain towards your innocent loving dog. Do not give him up, buddy. Just don't do it. You will regret it.


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## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I would never give up my dogs. No way. It's not about the dogs being more important than my husband either, it's about the fact that if he asked me to give them up knowing how much I love them and how it would break my heart, then he doesn't really love me enough. It would kill any love I had for him in the long run.
> 
> You can't force him to live outside either, that's cruel and there's no point in having him.
> 
> If you really can't choose do you have family nearby who he could live with? Then you'd still get to see him. Tell your wife that - tell her that fine, you'll give him to your parents but you'll be over there every night and all weekend hanging out with him...see how she likes that hehehehe.


YES!!! Completely agree. This post is the truth!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

qwerster said:


> MattMatt: I think she has tried. Probably not as hard as I would have liked, but she did try. To be honest, I am probably more controlling than her. She is very submissive and likes me to take the lead on most matters, which makes me even more stumped that she is so stubborn about this one issue. I think if we lived in a warm area, the dog lived outside, and I spent all my time out there, she wouldn't mind. We haven't had any problems about how much time I spend with him. In fact, she likes that I spend so much time outside because of the dog (I work too much and don't go out enough).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She is so submissive, huh? Nope! She may be passive-aggressive, or she allows you to think she is submissive by giving in on unimportant stuff.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why I feel if it weren't the dog, it'd be something else, is because you said OP, that she brings the dog up in unrelated arguments. That's called manipulation, and if your wife forces you to get rid of the dog, I'd think long and hard about having kids with her, because once you do that, she'll be controlling everything. Just from the little you say, I can tell. Hope things work out and you can keep your dog and a happy marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@qwerster how do you know you are the controlling, manipulative one in your marriage? :scratchhead:

Oh! Your wife told you this, huh? :surprise:

Hear that urgent, yet discrete tapping noise?

That's the sound of Sherlock tapping on the wall in the bathroom. Apparently there's no toilet paper in there, again. Your wife hid it. But she's blaming the dog. >


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, I think she is jealous of the dog. I say that because of the fact that every time there is a fight, she brings up the DOG. Really? She doesnt like the fact that he cares so much about someone/something that isnt her, and she is threatened by that for some odd, fvcked up reason. OP says she is not a social person, so likely she resents the dog because the dog gets love and attention from the one person she does choose to interact with and give her attention to. 

So OP, if you get rid of your dog, whats next? I think you could reasonably expect to give up things in the future that become important to you. Absolutely DO NOT send the poor dog outside to live. Dogs are family, you dont kick family out to live in your yard alone. Its just wrong. 

I could understand her not liking or wanting the dog if he had behavior issues. But he doesnt. She just doesnt like that he does dog stuff, like shed hair and beg for food. Getting rid of him would be like kicking your grandmother out of the house for being old.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

qwerster said:


> Her biggest concern peeve is his hair going all over the place. He is a nervous dog who shakes his body a lot, and she especially hates it when he does it near her. She wants me to train him to stop doing that, but that isn't really something that I can stop him from doing. I keep the dog and the house clean for the most part, but dog hair still somehow gets on her clothes and the sofa. I think it is stuff like that gradually builds up inside her until it blows up. She also doesn't like his licks, though I am training him to stop licking her.


This just sounds so sad, qwerster. How do you think this makes your dog feel?

This whole situation is sad. You two are just not suited to each other. Better to let your wife go a year in than have it all break down later, and with children involved.

I am not a pet owner, nor a pet lover. But I am a respecter of pets. They really are like children to some people, and that needs to be respected.

My sister has always had dogs, and always will. I understand that if I go to see her, the dogs will be all over the place, and are going to brush up against me. And they are beautiful, well-trained dogs. 

But they are still dogs. That is not going to change. And neither is your wife's inherent dislike of them.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful posts. I definitely have no intention on giving up my dog, and was never going to put him outside. I am going to keep him away from the dining area during meals and out of the kitchen when my wife is cooking, because I think that is good training for him anyway. I am going to try again to get her to agree to counseling. I think she needs some outside perspective to help her see that she is not being reasonable, and she just may listen to a neutral, trained professional.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Was she using the dog as a scapegoat for other problems or is she now *happy as a clam.*


Ahem... did someone call _me_??


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Re the dog hair: Buy a couple lint rollers and tell her to get over it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

qwerster said:


> I am going to keep him away from the dining area during meals and out of the kitchen when my wife is cooking,


Maybe feed him just before. Some people will cook for their dogs, say chicken, just be careful that your wife doesn't resent that.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If I do my math right, you married after dating for one year. I'd say you married far too soon without really knowing each other well enough.

The dog is one irreconcilable difference between you. How many more are there that have not yet surfaced since the dog is currently the galvanizing argument?

This could be the tip of the iceberg. Check below the water line before any serious discussions about having children.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Re the dog hair: Buy a couple lint rollers and *tell her to get over it.*


So insensitive and disrespectful.

But the right method if you want her to leave you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Maybe feed him just before. Some people will cook for their dogs, say chicken, just be careful that your wife doesn't resent that.


My sister makes a sweet potato for her dog every night.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Maybe compromise a little more on your part keep him out of the kitchen/dining room during meals so your wife can eat in peace.


Or, put your wife outside to eat so you and the dog can eat in peace, hehehehe.



qwerster said:


> *I am considering having my parents talk to her about the dog.* She won't listen to me, but maybe she will listen to them. OR, she could get mad at me for involving them in our problem =(


Omg no no no NO!!!!! This is between you and your wife. My MIL once told me that she thinks our dogs should stay in the conservatory only. My response? "Yes, well that's not going to happen. Ever". Do not involve your parents (or hers). If you want a third party to have input, go to counselling.

Tell your wife that if you have to get rid of your dog, then she has to cut ties with her best friend too. See how she likes that. I don't like people who don't like animals.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Or, put your wife outside to eat so you and the dog can eat in peace, hehehehe.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This depends. In some cultures, it would be normal to get parents involved in a marital dispute the couple cannot resolve themselves.

OP, is it culturally expected that parents/elders be asked for advice here?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you can't stand up to your wife about your dog, you have bigger problems than a dog. Didn't I recommend that you read No More Mr Nice Guy? This is a personality issue. Yours.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

jld said:


> This just sounds so sad, qwerster. How do you think this makes your dog feel?
> 
> This whole situation is sad. You two are just not suited to each other. Better to let your wife go a year in than have it all break down later, and with children involved.
> 
> ...


jld: Yeah it is a horrible situation for all three of us (me, wife and dog). And you are right about it getting worse later on. I have some serious decisions I need to make.



zookeeper said:


> If I do my math right, you married after dating for one year. I'd say you married far too soon without really knowing each other well enough.
> 
> The dog is one irreconcilable difference between you. How many more are there that have not yet surfaced since the dog is currently the galvanizing argument?
> 
> This could be the tip of the iceberg. Check below the water line before any serious discussions about having children.


zookeeper: You are absolutely right - we married too soon. We are both in our 30s and mistakenly thought we knew each other (and ourselves) well enough. It would have served us well to have tried living together for awhile before we tied the knot.



MJJEAN said:


> This depends. In some cultures, it would be normal to get parents involved in a marital dispute the couple cannot resolve themselves.
> 
> OP, is it culturally expected that parents/elders be asked for advice here?


MJJEAN: Thanks for considering culture as a factor. We are both Asians living in the US, and come from pretty traditional families. We do ask our parents for advice pretty often and for the most part, we listen to them. We just haven't done that with the dog issue because it is such a touchy subject for my wife. Our culture was also the main reason we got married so soon and didn't live together first.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think it's wrong for people to label your wife as insensitive and heartless because she has come to realize she doesn't like living with a dog. That's absolutely her right to feel that way, some people don't like kids, some people hate smoking, so why is she so bad for not wanting to live with a dog? Yes she knew you had the dog before marrying you, and my guess is because she was in love with you she put her feelings aside hoping it would work out. How many of us here did the same thing when we married? So lets not shame your wife for giving it a try, let's figure out how to fix it.

The hair sucks, I have been there many times. The last German shepherd I had was a shedder, heck I remember opening my refrigerator and at times finding hair in the bottom, I hated it. So…bathe weekly, use conditioner, brush daily using the right kind of brush, it takes less than ten minutes. Also there are supplements you can give dogs to help control shedding, keep trying them until you find what works.

Begging should be stopped before it's ever started, never feed a dog people food, never tempt or reward a dog with people food. Now that he begs you need to un train him, and that's more difficult. During dinner gate him in another room, feed him at the same time, don't leave food in his dish 24/7 but start feeding at selected times, like when you are eating breakfast and dinner. Crate training is a must, dogs like to have a safe place, they will get so you can tell them to get in the crate and you don't even need to close the door, they will stay there until you call them out.

Keeping them off furniture and beds, you need to make it uncomfortable for them. Start with crumpled up newspaper or bubble wrap covering the surface, or boxes, bedrooms keep the door closed, or crate them when your not home. 

Two of my biggest pet peeves with dogs are lickers and barkers, why someone would ever teach a dog to speak is beyond me, they know when they need to bark, you don't need to teach them to bark all the time! And I will say this once a dog gets in the habit of barking all the time that is one of the most difficult things to stop. The licking can be difficult as well, that's a natural show of affection for a dog. Both those habits can be broken with firm and consistent "no" commands, but it will take time if it's already their habit.

You may want to try some obedience classes to help you learn the right methods. And start running, it's good for you and good for the dog, they need that exercise to help burn off that nervous energy! Or even better maybe your wife can start running with the dog, of coarse if you mention that to her she's going to think you're criticizing her weight, on second thought maybe you shouldn't suggest that. lol 

One last thing…don't go to her parents. That would be a d**k move.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I think it's wrong for people to label your wife as insensitive and heartless because she has come to realize she doesn't like living with a dog. That's absolutely her right to feel that way, some people don't like kids, some people hate smoking, so why is she so bad for not wanting to live with a dog? Yes she knew you had the dog before marrying you, and my guess is because she was in love with you she put her feelings aside hoping it would work out. How many of us here did the same thing when we married? So lets not shame your wife for giving it a try, let's figure out how to fix it.
> 
> The hair sucks, I have been there many times. The last German shepherd I had was a shedder, heck I remember opening my refrigerator and at times finding hair in the bottom, I hated it. So…bathe weekly, use conditioner, brush daily using the right kind of brush, it takes less than ten minutes. Also there are supplements you can give dogs to help control shedding, keep trying them until you find what works.
> 
> ...


I agree with most of what you said except the teaching the dog to bark part.Having a dog that will bark on command is of great benefit to people who may feel vulnerable in certain situations.I know a few people who are blind and have seeing eye dogs.One of them is a young woman and if she is out with oher dog sometimes she realises there may be someone following her or maybe just some kids messing about.Just by getting her dog to bark loudly is enough to get them to move out of her way.This also applies to people in their homes who may think someone is prowling around.I'm not suggesting that the dog is a guard dog but most people will give a barking dog a wide berth.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jld said:


> So insensitive and disrespectful. *:nono: Shame on you Blondi. I'm telling Dug on you.
> *
> But the right method if you want her to leave you.


Fixed that for ya.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Fixed that for ya.


Not sure what that "fixed"?

Telling her to "get over it" is unlikely to be effective, Blondi. It is likely to make her feel disrespected and that her feelings are not being considered, or even worth considering. 

Qwerster, I think there is a fundamental mismatch here. You love your dog, and probably pets in general, and that is unlikely to change. You need to be with someone who feels the same, naturally. 

Your wife should not feel ashamed of her lack of affinity toward pets any more than you should feel ashamed of your affinity towards them. You are both "right" in your orientation towards them. You just each need to be with someone who shares your particular orientation.

I do not love animals. I certainly do not hate them, either. And I am respectful to them when I go places where they are.

But I think it is a beautiful thing that many people do love them and want to care for them. I am happy for the joy animals bring to their lives, even if I do not share that joy.

We do not all have to be the same. We each bring something different to the world. 

But in the case of marriage, the more alike the two people are in their values and preferences, the easier the marital journey is likely to be.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm curious as to why anyone thinks telling her to get over it/suck it up/grow up is going to work for OP.

Pretty rude and disrespectful. In fact, I find it nasty.

Maybe we should all talk to our spouses like that whenever something bothers them. 

Far more productive to discuss and see if you can compromise while respecting each others' boundaries.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm curious as to why anyone thinks telling her to get over it/suck it up/grow up is going to work for OP.
> 
> Pretty rude and disrespectful. In fact, I find it nasty.
> 
> ...


The dog has hair. The dog has always had hair and the dog always will have hair. To continually complain about it is fruitless and annoying. Clean it up and get on with your life.

You find it rude and disrespectful and nasty? That's a hoot. Telling someone to get over it after bending over backwards to meet their demands is nicer than telling them they know where the door is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> The dog has hair. The dog has always had hair and the dog always will have hair. To continually complain about it is fruitless and annoying. Clean it up and get on with your life.
> 
> You find it rude and disrespectful and nasty? That's a hoot. Telling someone to get over it after bending over backwards to meet their demands is nicer than telling them they know where the door is.


Well I think it's a hoot that you find it productive to talk to a spouse that way. 

In fact I find it downright nasty.

We'll have to agree to disagree. You can talk to your hb like that if you want,  and you can tolerate it from him if you want.

Now that I think about it I think I find it cowardly if it is indeed a proxy for "there's the door". Have the stones to tell your spouse that you've done all you're willing to do and if it's unacceptable to them you understand if they want out..


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I have a sister-in-law that is very much like your wife. Yeah, he had a small house and moved to a very large luxurious one to have more space for the dogs. It didn't work! She made my brother gave up the two labradors that my brother's son (my nephew from my brother's previous marriage) grew up with. My brother took the dogs to the animal shelter to have peace in the household. My nephew (who lived with his Dad) was heartbroken. Like you, we are of Asian heritage. They married in their 30's as well.

Fast forward, my sister-in-law got rid of the dogs, got rid of the son, and got rid of immediate family members. She was even jealous of the close relationship between my late father & my older brother and was mean to my Dad when my older brother wasn't around. She would insult my father out of earshot from my brother; very disrespectful of an Asian woman not to respect my father as he was a kind and gentle individual. My late father told me about my sister-in-law in confidence and told me not to expose her behavior as it would affect his relationship with my older brother.

I have a respectful relationship (with once a close one) to my older brother. I travelled to visit my birth country in Asia from the U.S. with them once (on my brother's invitation). She picked a fight with me at the airport and made my brother choose between her & me. She won on that one too. She was simply nasty on that trip. I just ignored her on behalf of my brother. I'm glad that I was on my way home. My brother still reaches out to me from time to time, but my sister-in-law continues to manipulate and isolate him. 

I am not a dog owner, but we had a dog while growing up. He died of old age at 22. I would strongly look at your wife as I believe that she has pulled a "bait and switch". I wouldn't give up my dog if I were you. The character of your wife is reflected on her attitude towards your dog. It is your life, so you must decide on what is best for you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wow. Projecting, much? Just because OP's wife has learned that she dislikes living with a dog does not in any way mean she has the character of the woman you describe. Geez!


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Geez...a choice between a BSC woman and a loving dog. That's a poser.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We need more info on what your marriage is like.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Qwerster,
You need to carefully and accurately assess what is really happening here. In this type situation there are the mechanics and the emotions. The mechanics have to do with dog hair etc. But the emotions - are more likely about jealousy. 

The problem is simpler if it's primarily about the mechanics. If however, your wife is generally a jealous, insecure person you will discover over time that she finds reasons to dislike ANYONE (human or animal) who you are attached to. 

I do believe that her reaction to the dog begging/crowding her at the dinner table is very normal. If you weren't initially supportive when she asked you to keep the dog in another room while you eat, she is wondering if the dog is more important than she is. 

While her behavior is not overall defensible, it is also true that I think you've been very resistant to making reasonable accommodations. 

There are a small number of major marriage killers: physical violence, financial infidelity, sexual infidelity or drug/alcohol abuse.

Most marriages die a slow - death of a thousand cuts. So if it was me, I'd make the needed compromises and then in a non threatening manner deliver this message: You are the most important person in my life. Hopefully I'm yours. Part of truly loving someone, is making space in your heart for their other connections: family, close friends, pets, etc. 

I've done what I can regarding the dog. If you keep complaining about him, I'm going to start to wonder if there is room in your heart for more than just me. And that would be bad for us. 





qwerster said:


> jld: Yeah it is a horrible situation for all three of us (me, wife and dog). And you are right about it getting worse later on. I have some serious decisions I need to make.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> We need more info on what your marriage is like.


turnera: The marriage is actually very good...which is what frustrates my wife and I. She admits that she is unreasonable with this dog issue and made a mistake by not realizing sooner, but she is very caring and considerate in most other matters. If the marriage wasn't so good, I would have picked the dog and dumped the wife months ago. I have spoken to some of my long-time friends about this issue and they feel the same way as most of you do about the dog. They think what she is doing is unfair and I should not let the dog go. However, they also warn me that I will have a tough time finding someone else who complements me as well as my wife if I give up this marriage. I could very well get a divorce, have my dog for another 8-10 years, and meet someone better. Or I might end up with someone who likes my dog but doesn't treat me as well. Or, I could give up my dog, be sad/upset about it for the next 10 years, but have a loving wife for the rest of my life. I guess I'm trying to be careful to not just assume that the grass is greener on the other side. No matter what I choose to do, there is a huge chance that things could end up worse for me.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

Are you in the US?

Also, do you have a crate? A crate will eliminate the begging at the dinner table (never give a dog people food). I think someone suggested feeding him at the same time you eat. That would work if he were in a crate. Doesn't matter when a dog eats, they always want more & they want what you have. If he is socialized well, gets along with other dogs, cats, people, and kids, a rescue may be a better option. 

Please know that whatever you feel if you give him up, your dog will feel the same. You have him in your life, but you & your wife ARE his life.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> Qwerster,
> You need to carefully and accurately assess what is really happening here. In this type situation there are the mechanics and the emotions. The mechanics have to do with dog hair etc. But the emotions - are more likely about jealousy.
> 
> The problem is simpler if it's primarily about the mechanics. If however, your wife is generally a jealous, insecure person you will discover over time that she finds reasons to dislike ANYONE (human or animal) who you are attached to.
> ...


MEM2020: This is a great response - thank you. I realized that jealousy definitely plays a role and have tried to make her feel like she is my greatest priority. Part of me doing that is making accommodations to keep the situation more amenable like moving the dog crate, not letting him into the room, cleaning the house every day, getting a fancy pet air cleaner to reduce dander, brushing him regularly, etc. I recently started keeping him away from the dining area and kitchen, and away from her in general. However, I have a feeling that all these things I do might just reinforce her jealousy/frustrations because she sees it not as me bending backwards for her, but as me bending backwards for my dog. Maybe I am doing it for the dog, but more importantly I'm doing it for my relationship which I cherish more than anything else. I just hope that one day she realizes this herself or is willing to see a counselor who tells her this. 

We both have talked about how we don't have any of those major marriage killers you mentioned. All our married friends have a lot more serious problems than we do, yet we are the ones who are falling apart...because of a pet. I am planning to make all reasonable compromises for her, but when I run out of things I can do, I think I will have to deliver the message you mentioned.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

Síocháin said:


> Are you in the US?
> 
> Also, do you have a crate? A crate will eliminate the begging at the dinner table (never give a dog people food). I think someone suggested feeding him at the same time you eat. That would work if he were in a crate. Doesn't matter when a dog eats, they always want more & they want what you have. If he is socialized well, gets along with other dogs, cats, people, and kids, a rescue may be a better option.
> 
> Please know that whatever you feel if you give him up, your dog will feel the same. You have him in your life, but you & your wife ARE his life.



Siochain: Yup, I am - Northern Virginia. I do have a crate which he loves. I have never given him human food, and I don't think he even begs for food. He just likes the smell and comes sniffing whenever we eat, or maybe just wants attention or be close to us. Even when I leave food within his reach, he never tries to eat it. He isn't very food motivated, which made it really hard for me to train him when he was younger. I do feed him when we eat, and give him chew treats when he is done, but he eats fast (or we eat slow). He listens when I tell him to go though, so hopefully in time this stresses out the wife less. 
Yeah it breaks my heart to think of how he must feel if I give him up. His original owners abandoned him and he was found by a rescue group. He is not the most attractive dog, was very shy, and nobody wanted to adopt him for a long time...which is what compelled me to bring him home. He is a good boy and if I ever do have to give him up, I will only consider doing it if I can find him a good home.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

You may want to check your adoption paperwork. Most rescues ask that you return the dog to them if something happens & you can no longer keep him. How big is he & what breed?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

For now - the message ought to be:

I'm doing this for you, because it's important to me that you feel relaxed and happy in our home. 
------------
It is possible you will get this in return: If you really loved me, you would choose me over the dog. 

One response to that is: I get that. And I also realize that the dog and I developed some bad habits - including bad dinner table habits - when it was just the two of us. I understand why his presence in the kitchen and bedroom was stressful for you. Thank you for being patient with me while we worked out a compromise.
------------
As for her using the dog in unrelated conversations, the best move is to see that for what it is. A weak persons power play. Expect it, and don't react to it. Stay on topic and stay calm. I'd make a large bet that if she runs that play 3 times in a row without any reaction from you at all, she will stop doing it without you having to call 'foul'. 

That play, (dragging the dog into unrelated disagreements) only has as much power as you give it. The more agitated you get, in any discussion where the dog comes up, the more the subtext reads that: you love the dog almost as much or as much as your wife. The more relaxed you stay - the less worried your wife will feel about her standing in the house. 

The core theme here is easy to describe, harder to execute: You are without doubt my highest priority, AND also not my only priority. 

The more she feels, believes and accepts that theme, the better off you will both be. 





qwerster said:


> turnera: The marriage is actually very good...which is what frustrates my wife and I. She admits that she is unreasonable with this dog issue and made a mistake by not realizing sooner, but she is very caring and considerate in most other matters. If the marriage wasn't so good, I would have picked the dog and dumped the wife months ago. I have spoken to some of my long-time friends about this issue and they feel the same way as most of you do about the dog. They think what she is doing is unfair and I should not let the dog go. However, they also warn me that I will have a tough time finding someone else who complements me as well as my wife if I give up this marriage. I could very well get a divorce, have my dog for another 8-10 years, and meet someone better. Or I might end up with someone who likes my dog but doesn't treat me as well. Or, I could give up my dog, be sad/upset about it for the next 10 years, but have a loving wife for the rest of my life. I guess I'm trying to be careful to not just assume that the grass is greener on the other side. No matter what I choose to do, there is a huge chance that things could end up worse for me.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

Síocháin said:


> You may want to check your adoption paperwork. Most rescues ask that you return the dog to them if something happens & you can no longer keep him. How big is he & what breed?


He is bout 25 pounds and is a terrier/schnauzer mix. I'm not even sure if I have the paperwork anymore or if there even was that stipulation, but the first place I will check with is the group I got him from for sure.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> For now - the message ought to be:
> 
> I'm doing this for you, because it's important to me that you feel relaxed and happy in our home.
> ------------
> ...


Wow this is good stuff! You hit the nail on its head. I do take the bait every single time and react strongly to her bringing up the dog. Going to be hard to but I will need to hold my tongue. Also, what you said, "You are without doubt my highest priority, AND also not my only priority", is amazing and I will definitely try to get her to understand that. This is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to get from you guys. Thank you so much!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

qwerster said:


> Wow this is good stuff! You hit the nail on its head. I do take the bait every single time and react strongly to her bringing up the dog. Going to be hard to but I will need to hold my tongue. Also, what you said, "You are without doubt my highest priority, AND also not my only priority", is amazing and I will definitely try to get her to understand that. This is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to get from you guys. Thank you so much!




Qwerster,
It is totally normal to feel angry, when she does that. 

My wife (M2 for short) used to do stuff like that all the time, because I reacted to it. Once I realized it was just - her issue - it stopped being mine. 

For now, expect her to bring the dog into every argument. Consciously remind yourself, that is what she is going to do because she doesn't feel strong enough to fight fair. 

Pre programmed responses helped me. Mine would be: I'm sorry for mishandling the situation with the dog. I know that was frustrating for you. Then shut up - let her talk - but don't add fuel the fire. Don't let her bait you. When she finishes, just say: I'm glad you told me that stuff. And then: Do you want to finish the conversation about - xyz - now, or would you prefer to revisit it later?




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Wow. Projecting, much? Just because OP's wife has learned that she dislikes living with a dog does not in any way mean she has the character of the woman you describe. Geez!


 @Livvie

Gosh! Someone relating a similar incident that already took place in their life to a currently occurring incident in someone else's life? 

Now why on earth would someone do that? :scratchhead:

Oh, yeah! To provide a warning of the potential consequences of kowtowing to someone who is possibly pulling a bait and switch routine.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@qwerster, you were part of a family unit, you and your dog.

Your girlfriend chose to join your family unit, which was made up of you and your dog.

You graciously invited her to join your family unit and she, apparently, equally graciously, accepted your invitation to join your family unit. 

Your family unit then became you, your dog and your wife.

Now, your wife has decided that she no longer likes being a part of the family unit of you, your dog and herself, your wife.

And ummm....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Qwerster, you cannot have it all in life. Simplified . . . It really is ultimately her or the dog.

Your desire/love for pets is unlikely to ever go away. Why disrespecting her and yourself by not accepting that?

Will you both be sad initially if you let each other go? Sure. But it opens the door to each of you findng someone you are more naturally compatible with. And that natural compatibility makes life so much easier, especially when children and big life stressors (illness, financial difficulties, etc.) come along.

If you do not make the decision, she likely will. And it will probably come after many mutually unpleasant moments. 

Do you really want things to end that way? Wouldn't facing and accepting this incompatibility realistically, respectfully, and maturely, right now, ultimately be a more truly loving (and time- and energy-saving) way to handle this?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

qwerster said:


> turnera: The marriage is actually very good...which is what frustrates my wife and I. She admits that she is unreasonable with this dog issue and made a mistake by not realizing sooner, but she is very caring and considerate in most other matters. If the marriage wasn't so good, I would have picked the dog and dumped the wife months ago. I have spoken to some of my long-time friends about this issue and they feel the same way as most of you do about the dog. They think what she is doing is unfair and I should not let the dog go. However, *they also warn me that I will have a tough time finding someone else who complements me as well as my wife if I give up this marriage. I could very well get a divorce, have my dog for another 8-10 years, and meet someone better. Or I might end up with someone who likes my dog but doesn't treat me as well. Or, I could give up my dog, be sad/upset about it for the next 10 years, but have a loving wife for the rest of my life. I guess I'm trying to be careful to not just assume that the grass is greener on the other side. No matter what I choose to do, there is a huge chance that things could end up worse for me.*


Would you be willing to show her this post, in particular the last line of the bolded?

It should be all she needs to walk away from you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> Would you be willing to show her this post, in particular the last line of the bolded?
> 
> It should be all she needs to walk away from you.


Or continue living with someone who he would resent for the next 20 to 30 years?

Because with every argument, every dispute bubbling in the background would be: "You made me break my dog's little heart and you broke my heart."


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What a frustrating situation. By all accounts you have a good wife (except for the issue wit the dog) and a great dog.

Sorry if you mentioned it - how old is the dog?

Do you have any family in the area who may be willing to take the dog if it comes to it? Parents? I have a couple of friends whose parents took their dogs in, as they had to travel for work. The parents liked it - it provided an excuse for their kids to visit them more (to see the dogs)

I hope you are able to work out a compromise with your wife. What are your long term plans, as far as a larger home, kids, etc. I caution even if you work out a compromise now, having a baby may dig up this issue again (I don't want the dog near the baby!!!)

ETA- im not a proponent of bringing parents/in laws into marital issues, so I wouldn't get into the specifics with them. Blame allergies, work schedules, etc as to why you are making the request if you go that route.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

qwerster said:


> He is bout 25 pounds and is a terrier/schnauzer mix. I'm not even sure if I have the paperwork anymore or if there even was that stipulation, but the first place I will check with is the group I got him from for sure.


If it comes to that, please pm me. I know a rescue in your area that may can help. They are a 5013c rescue. I work with rescues in my area and have 2 fosters right now. I'll be glad to help.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

To be blunt, to me the solution is simple. Your wife needs to get over herself and suck it up, until the dog passes away. Then, no more dogs. She can do that for you surely, a few more years vs the rest of your life?

It's a no brainer.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> To be blunt, to me the solution is simple. Your wife needs to get over herself and suck it up, until the dog passes away. Then, no more dogs. She can do that for you surely, a few more years vs the rest of your life?
> 
> It's a no brainer.


But that's not really a solution for someone who loves dogs.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> But that's not really a solution for someone who loves dogs.


It is not really a solution for someone who does not love dogs, either. 

They are both cheating themselves by staying together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You've never really answered my questions about what your relationship is like otherwise. Issues? Complaints? Feeling unsettled about anything? Did you read No More Mr Nice Guy?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

qwerster said:


> My problem is a bit different from a lot of the other dog-related posts I have read here. I have a loving wife and a well-behaved dog, but she just doesn't like dogs. I have had the dog for 6 years now and had him when we started dating a couple years ago. We got married a year ago, but before that she seemed to like the dog. She never claimed to be a dog lover but never said she disliked them either, so I never anticipated any big issues. After getting married and living together in a house for a few months, she tells me that she now realizes she does not like living with a dog. She explains that she did not know this before as she would only stay over occasionally and have never previously lived with one.
> 
> He used to sleep in a crate in my room upstairs, but she didn't even want him upstairs at all. We compromised and I moved him to the guest room upstairs even though it broke my heart, and barred him from entering our room. I also make sure to keep the floor clean because she does not like his hair all over the place, and keep him off the furniture. He does not have any of the behavioral issues that most people in my situation complain about (no accidents/aggression/biting/chewing/barking/etc), and I take care of him 100%. He just likes to lick and occasionally beg when we eat, but I am in the process of training him to stop. She has also complained about him coming near the dining table when we eat, entering the kitchen, and just being near her in general, even though she has no allergies. The problem is, we live in a very small 700 sq ft townhouse so it is a bit hard to keep them separate, and I have explained to her that I can't keep him outside because it gets too cold here.
> 
> ...


Are you considering having a child with your W? She may not like a baby either. 

In my world our dog is a family member. That simple. It appears your dog is family as well. Your W apparently sees a germ ridden flea bag. Truth be told, grandma has more germs. 

It appears you have been hoodwinked. Your W should not have baited and switched. 

IMO your W will need to suck it up because removal of the dog will do nothing but create resentment that will last the entire marriage. Furthermore, your W did not make any gripes about the dog prior to marriage. That does not sit well.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I haven't read any of the replies to you, so I may have one of the less popular opiniont, but dogs are a HUGE part of my life, and my passion, so I feel the need to reply.

I rescued 2 dogs long before I met the man who would become my husband. He knew I had them, and is allergic to them. He lived, at the time, with his Mom, who also had 2 dogs (who shed a lot; mine have the kind of fur that is lost in small clumps). Both being rescues, came with their share of issues, especially the male. He's high-energy, is VERY protective of me, takes a long time to trust new people, and has a general dislike of men. He's a piece of work, but I love him dearly! H came over on our 4th date, and I had told him about the dogs ahead of time, just so he was forwarned to not move too quickly around the male dog. Within 5 minutes, he had that little furball wrapped around his finger, which is one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place. 

I volunteer for a rescue society (in a background capacity; I don't foster dogs), and I started up a pet care business recently. 

All this being said, my dogs were there long before H. They both came from awful backgrounds, and I made a commitment to them that I would love them and take care of them, and that they had found their "furever home". If H EVER said to me that he no longer wanted to be around the dogs, I would send him packing. They were there before him, and he knew about them on our first date, and was OK with them. We came as a package deal, just like you and your dog. 

I don't plan on having kids with H, but know that if we were to, we would have to really watch our male dog around a new little one, but you can teach kids and animals to co-exist together with work and consistency. I think it's important for kids to have a pet for a variety of reasons. They can teach a child a lot, and sure animals sometimes aren't the cleanest, but neither are kids!

So, if I were you, I would be sitting down with your SO and having a good long talk about her changing her mind about your dog. She knew you guys came as a package deal, and maybe she was just trying to impress you, or appear easy-going at the beginning, but now that you're married, she doesn't have the right to just shun another life like that. Animals can't speak our language, but they CAN communicate; we just have to pay attention. Has your dog changed his personality? Become a little more clingy to you? I would think that he would be wondering what the heck is going on, and would be able to feel the different vibe.




qwerster said:


> My problem is a bit different from a lot of the other dog-related posts I have read here. I have a loving wife and a well-behaved dog, but she just doesn't like dogs. I have had the dog for 6 years now and had him when we started dating a couple years ago. We got married a year ago, but before that she seemed to like the dog. She never claimed to be a dog lover but never said she disliked them either, so I never anticipated any big issues. After getting married and living together in a house for a few months, she tells me that she now realizes she does not like living with a dog. She explains that she did not know this before as she would only stay over occasionally and have never previously lived with one.
> 
> He used to sleep in a crate in my room upstairs, but she didn't even want him upstairs at all. We compromised and I moved him to the guest room upstairs even though it broke my heart, and barred him from entering our room. I also make sure to keep the floor clean because she does not like his hair all over the place, and keep him off the furniture. He does not have any of the behavioral issues that most people in my situation complain about (no accidents/aggression/biting/chewing/barking/etc), and I take care of him 100%. He just likes to lick and occasionally beg when we eat, but I am in the process of training him to stop. She has also complained about him coming near the dining table when we eat, entering the kitchen, and just being near her in general, even though she has no allergies. The problem is, we live in a very small 700 sq ft townhouse so it is a bit hard to keep them separate, and I have explained to her that I can't keep him outside because it gets too cold here.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> But that's not really a solution for someone who loves dogs.


I know - I love dogs, couldn't live without my beautiful dogs. I just think it's the most logical compromise for both of them if they want to stay married. It would suck to be the OP though...no dogs for the rest of his life?? *shudder*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

by qwerster:

"Hellomynameis: I am actually okay with not having another pet. After my previous dog died, I told myself I would never get another one because it was so painful to lose her. I only got my current dog because I happened upon him at an adoption event and we somehow clicked =)"


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

jld said:


> You had the dog before you had your wife. It is probably like a child to you.
> 
> It may sound extreme, but I would advise giving up the wife before giving up the dog. Tell her you are sorry, but you are taking her up on her offer to move out.


^This^ and then go out and get another dog so your dog has a play buddy. Maybe do this before you kick your wife out and it will take care of itself.
If you do decide to keep the wife and you end up having kids ,what's to stop her from having the same reaction to a kid. "Oh, I didn't know it would be like this". Be wary, you are being set up.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> What a frustrating situation. By all accounts you have a good wife (except for the issue wit the dog) and a great dog.
> 
> Sorry if you mentioned it - how old is the dog?
> 
> ...


PhillyGuy13: He is about 6 or 7, so my wife will likely only have to live with him for another 7-8 years at most. We both are new to the area so we don't have anyone we can leave him with unfortunately. 

After a really bad weekend, we finally had a somewhat productive talk today. She finally agreed to see a marriage counselor. And she seemed to feel better about things when I told her I won't get another dog and will move to a bigger house when we have kids so there can be some separation between her/kid and the dog, at least until the kid is a bit older. I'm still wary and not very optimistic, but I will take any progress at this point.


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## qwerster (Jan 6, 2017)

Síocháin said:


> If it comes to that, please pm me. I know a rescue in your area that may can help. They are a 5013c rescue. I work with rescues in my area and have 2 fosters right now. I'll be glad to help.


Siochain: Thanks for letting me know - I will definitely do that!



turnera said:


> You've never really answered my questions about what your relationship is like otherwise. Issues? Complaints? Feeling unsettled about anything? Did you read No More Mr Nice Guy?


turnera: Sorry, I thought I talked about our relationship earlier. It is primarily a good one. We have very similar values, we don't have any issues with abuse, and she isn't controlling in any way (other than the dog issue). I think we have a lot of the common fights that couples have...we usually get over over those but things get bad because there really is no solution to the dog issue other than giving up on the marriage, the dog, or her just sucking it up and tolerating the dog and me tolerating her moods. I didn't get the chance to read that book, but will try to when I get the time. Thanks for the recommendation!



Yeswecan said:


> Are you considering having a child with your W? She may not like a baby either.
> 
> In my world our dog is a family member. That simple. It appears your dog is family as well. Your W apparently sees a germ ridden flea bag. Truth be told, grandma has more germs.
> 
> ...


Yeswecan: Yes we do intend on getting a kid. She definitely wants one so I have no worried there. Her main concern is the dog hurting the kid, but he has never hurt anything ever and I plan on keeping him away from the kid until he is a bit older anyway. She does know she screwed up by not knowing this earlier, and knows that I will resent her if I give him up, so she hasn't made me give him up so far. She has said she will try to tolerate him, and I can only hope that her attitude towards him gets better over time. It might not, but we need to at least try =(


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

qwerster said:


> Her main concern is the dog hurting the kid


I totally get that. Im a HUGE dog lover but i get highly upset when i see vids or photos of dogs that are in really close proximity to babies/small children. As much as we think we know our furry life companions, We can't predict animals' behavior. 

You must be very conscious about this concern and do everything you can to assuage your wife's worry. I totally get it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may want to try hiring a dog trainer that you both work with so that she gets a little more in tune with the dog and so the dog responds more to her. It can be quite bonding. Usually we don't like what we don't know or aren't comfortable with, so if she becomes more comfortable with the dog and the dog responds to her, things will probably improve.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> You may want to try hiring a dog trainer that you both work with so that she gets a little more in tune with the dog and so the dog responds more to her. It can be quite bonding. Usually we don't like what we don't know or aren't comfortable with, so if she becomes more comfortable with the dog and the dog responds to her, things will probably improve.


My sister commented once, years ago, that if children and pets are not well-behaved, other people will not want to be around them.

Just something to think about, OP.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with this; we can never predict an animal's behaviour! When I was born, my family had a rescue dog who loved my older sibling, but hated me. I was a baby, and took away attention from him. When Mom fed me at night, he'd growl and spit at me, so she kept us separated for a long time. But, by the time I was toddling around, the dog was toddling after me, ready to give kisses or share some food. By 2 years of age, I totally bonded with him over our raspberry bushes, as I'd go pick them to eat, and also pick some for him.  But those initial months, my folks were wise to keep us separated.



lucy999 said:


> I totally get that. Im a HUGE dog lover but i get highly upset when i see vids or photos of dogs that are in really close proximity to babies/small children. As much as we think we know  our furry life companions, We can't predict animals' behavior.
> 
> You must be very conscious about this concern and do everything you can to assuage your wife's worry. I totally get it.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

qwerster said:


> PhillyGuy13: He is about 6 or 7, so my wife will likely only have to live with him for another 7-8 years at most. We both are new to the area so we don't have anyone we can leave him with unfortunately.
> 
> After a really bad weekend, we finally had a somewhat productive talk today. She finally agreed to see a marriage counselor. And she seemed to feel better about things when I told her I won't get another dog and will move to a bigger house when we have kids so there can be some separation between her/kid and the dog, at least until the kid is a bit older. I'm still wary and not very optimistic, but I will take any progress at this point.


Pets are wonderful. They are Kings in the deck of life. Spouses are Aces. They trump every other card. If, in the future, if you do not bring in any more pets and she is comfortable with that, then all is good.
It is my belief that humans who have no love for animals are humans who have a limited capacity for love of anything. Animals are our co-existing living family. I exempt spiders! Hate them. Animal lovers are more trustworthy, in general.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

qwerster said:


> Yeswecan: Yes we do intend on getting a kid. She definitely wants one so I have no worried there. Her main concern is the dog hurting the kid, but he has never hurt anything ever and I plan on keeping him away from the kid until he is a bit older anyway. She does know she screwed up by not knowing this earlier, and knows that I will resent her if I give him up, so she hasn't made me give him up so far. She has said she will try to tolerate him, and I can only hope that her attitude towards him gets better over time. It might not, but we need to at least try =(


I can guarantee you the family dog will guard that child. Understand dogs see us two leggers as one of the pack. The kids becomes the pack. As far as germs, really, grandma will have more germs than the dog. Protection of the home and family, you betcha the dog will be the alert one when being alert is needed. ADT and other security systems are great. A security system that has teeth and barks is one of the best IMO.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

qwerster said:


> Yeswecan: Yes we do intend on getting a kid. She definitely wants one so I have no worried there. Her main concern is the dog hurting the kid, but he has never hurt anything ever and I plan on keeping him away from the kid until he is a bit older anyway. She does know she screwed up by not knowing this earlier, and knows that I will resent her if I give him up, so she hasn't made me give him up so far. She has said she will try to tolerate him, and I can only hope that her attitude towards him gets better over time. It might not, but we need to at least try =(


You two cant even co-parent a dog, and you want to add a child to this mix? Doesn't seem wise. And do you have to adopt? You said you intend to "get" a kid, so, curious....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> You two cant even co-parent a dog, and you want to add a child to this mix? Doesn't seem wise. And do you have to adopt? You said you intend to "get" a kid, so, curious....


^^^excellent point.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I can guarantee you the family dog will guard that child. Understand dogs see us two leggers as one of the pack. The kids becomes the pack. As far as germs, really, grandma will have more germs than the dog. Protection of the home and family, you betcha the dog will be the alert one when being alert is needed. ADT and other security systems are great. A security system that has teeth and barks is one of the best IMO.


I can guarantee you that dogs are unpredictable. There are numerous examples of the "protective family dog" turning on a family member, quite often a small child.

So please, don't go around saying anything to the contrary because it's reckless, unsubstantiated and just plain wrong.

Here's some required reading for you @Yeswecan

Why dogs bite children

Help the dog bit my baby

My dog bit my son's face

My dog just bit my toddler


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

browser said:


> I can guarantee you that dogs are unpredictable. There are numerous examples of the "protective family dog" turning on a family member, quite often a small child.
> 
> So please, don't go around saying anything to the contrary because it's reckless, unsubstantiated and just plain wrong.
> 
> ...


Did you read it? The article address both sides. Child and dog training. I'm not peddling anything.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> I can guarantee you the family dog will guard that child. Understand dogs see us two leggers as one of the pack. The kids becomes the pack. As far as germs, really, grandma will have more germs than the dog. Protection of the home and family, you betcha the dog will be the alert one when being alert is needed. ADT and other security systems are great. A security system that has teeth and barks is one of the best IMO.


Sometimes. My parents had a dog when I was born that resented and snapped at me. Before that she'd been a nice dog. 

They gave her to an older couple with no kids at home. 

After that they got another dog who was great with kids.....big German Shepherd.

You can never know for sure until the baby's there.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Did you read it? The article address both sides. Child and dog training.


I read all of them.

It's clear from every article that dogs can be unpredictable, especially around children who can be just as unpredictable.

Summary: The family dog can be a real danger to anyone especially a child.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

browser said:


> I read all of them.
> 
> It's clear from every article that dogs can be unpredictable, especially around children who can be just as unpredictable.
> 
> Summary: The family dog can be a real danger to anyone especially a child.


As a homeowners insurance actuary I can tell you that we see dog bite claims come through all the time, and most of the time it's the dog's first bite.

Nobody thinks their dog bites until they do.

If they have teeth they can bite. You just have to weigh the potential consequences.

For adults and older children? Minimal risk.

For young children and babies? Potentially disastrous.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

browser said:


> I read all of them.
> 
> It's clear from every article that dogs can be unpredictable, especially around *children who can be just as unpredictable.
> *
> Summary: The family dog can be a real danger to anyone especially a child.


And a dog can be in real danger around a dog. It is a two way street.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> And a dog can be in real danger around a dog. It is a two way street.


I'm not even beginning to understand what you're trying to say here.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If we insist on finding articles let me post one:

Interactions between Children and Dogs

Educating the parent and having them understand a dogs behavior as well as educating the child play a large part in a good child/dog relationship.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

browser said:


> I'm not even beginning to understand what you're trying to say here.


Meant to say a child can be a real danger to a dog. 

It is perfectly clear that you have a problem with dogs and kids. So be it. Dog and children are unpredictable that is what the article points out. I get it. What you did not point out is educating parents as well as the child is the one best means for a good child/pet relationship.

If a parent is introducing an aggressive or seemingly unpredictable dog to a child perhaps they should not be a parent or stick with a goldfish.


The OP should keep the dog and be educated concerning dog behavior as well as the childs behavior. His W appears to simply squash the worry by getting rid of the dog. Does that seem fair to the OP? How about the dog?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> It is perfectly clear that you have a problem with dogs and kids.


No, I have a problem with you "guaranteeing that a dog [that you don't know in the slightest] will guard a child" [who you also don't know in the slightest) in regard to the Ops post that his GF is concerned about possible harm coming to the child by the dog.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

browser said:


> No, I have a problem with you "guaranteeing that a dog [that you don't know in the slightest] will guard a child" [who you also don't know in the slightest) in regard to the Ops post that his GF is concerned about possible harm coming to the child by the dog.


Agreed. I can not guarantee this. But proper education of all involved can provide a good child/pet relationship. What has the dog done to warrant his W to have an issue with the dog and a child? Perhaps the OP should work with his W towards this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Millions of families all over the world have dogs and babies. Quite a few of them shouldn't, because the parents are dead set morons, who think it's funny to let their toddler torment the poor dog - while filming it. They are failing both the dog and their child.

Then there are the responsible, loving parents who always supervise and if they can't supervise they separate the child and the dog until they can. They don't allow their toddler to torment the poor dog, they teach them to respect the dog and before you know it, the dog and the toddler are besties. Dogs and babies/toddlers absolutely CAN be together safely.

The reason small children get bitten more than anyone else is because small children do terrible things to dogs. That's the reality.

OP - if your wife pulls the "I don't want the dog near the baby ever" bs, remember that you are the babies father and you have as much right to decide what's safe and what's not for the child.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

They don't even have a child at this point, so I find the argument to be more than a bit premature. Sounds like a nice little smokescreen to hide the fact that she simply does not like the dog. Conceiving or adopting a child can take years. I see no valid reason to get rid of the dog on the grounds of "protect the child" until there actually is an ETA on said child. 

Compromise is absolutely critical for a good relationship. Unfortunately, some things are simply not suitable for a compromise. One or both partners needs their way entirely. People typically cannot compromise on things like having children and relocating. You either agree to do them or agree not to. This dog situation is another good example. He has already compromised by retraining the dog, crating it, banishing it from certain parts of the house, etc. This has not softened her, she still starts fights over the dog. She will simply not be satisfied as long as that dog is part of their lives.

This doesn't mean that she is "wrong" as needs are not right or wrong (they are frequently incompatible, though.) She may be simply unable to compromise. In such a case, the other party must be willing to totally give in. Sometimes that's possible. Only you can decide if you want to accommodate her.

I will echo what I wrote earlier that I suspect there are a lot more fundamental mis-matches beneath the surface. You really need to explore your respective needs and desires before having/adopting a child. The fact that she so continually makes an argument about this suggests that she argues by war a war of attrition. She will keep making you miserable about this until she gets what she wants. That, my friend is not a pleasant way to live. 

I wish you luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator note

All this kids 'n canines stuff is starting to drift off topic, so let's get back on topic, please?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)




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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

IMO animals are food.

We've had several pets - a red eared slider and a Russian tortoise that we've had a decade or so. A hedgehog that we finally got rid of (smelly poopy animals).

Found out my w always wanted a dog. Never knew that. As i have allergies as do a few kids it was never an option. But poodles I guess have hair and not fur so we ended up getting a golden doodle (2x poodle) and have had no issues with fur, smell, allergies, etc for the past few years. We also keep her crated all night and throughout the day when everyone is gone. Crated at dinner or if we can't watch her. No issues with crating her.

IMO most animal lovers totally misplace their feelings for animals. They are very dumb - in no way do they compare to humans. People think their pets are so smart because they can be trained. It's only because they are misinterpreting animal behavior for human thought based behavior.

Dogs are pack animals and people often mistake pack behavior for love and affection.

Our dog sprints to the door when I come home and demands to be petted... lying down and letting me let her underbelly... the kids insist she smiles. Well I don't mind petting her because it reinforces her understanding of the pecking order and dogs who don't know their place are jumpy and distraught.

Anyway good luck to you. But recognize that you probably over interpret her animal behaviors as human. If you back off on that, train your dogs so they are disciplined animals, and your W can start to show some affection, you might meet in the middle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Our dog trainer told us that unless we had them trained to stay in a particular spot and stay there until we released them, any time we were not actively engaged with the dog, they should be in their kennel. That might help in your case.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't agree with crating dogs for hours on end. IMO, it is cruel. How would a human like to be locked in a cage for 8 hours?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, that's the point, isn't it? If you're going to invest in a dog, you'd better be willing to put in the effort to train them properly, so you're the pack leader and they'll do whatever you tell them, without thought, so you don't HAVE to crate them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> Well, that's the point, isn't it? If you're going to invest in a dog, you'd better be willing to put in the effort to train them properly, so you're the pack leader and they'll do whatever you tell them, without thought, so you don't HAVE to crate them.


Just a thought, have you tried crating your husband?>


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Dogs naturally den in the wild, so some crate time/training is good. They associate it with a safe spot where they can be calm.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note:-*

Again, this is drifting off topic, somewhat.

The main question, IMO, that was asked was not: "What do I do with my dog?" It was: "What do I do with my wife after she, 'suddenly' realises that she doesn't like dogs?" 

So... what to do about a bait and switch merchant? :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep. Ours always go to their kennels when they're nervous. It's the only place they can sleep soundly without needing to stay aware of their environment, too.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator note:-*
> 
> Again, this is drifting off topic, somewhat.
> 
> ...



@MattMatt I respectfully disagree. While that was indeed the question asked, I think it's important in a relationship forum to express how OP's partner might be seeing things.

In this case, OP thinks it's about the dog, but as NOT a fanatic dog lover I see it very differently. I think OP has to realize that his W has a completely different perspective - perhaps that he is asking her to live with a dirty animal who roams around and has free reign whereas she doesn't.

The crating issue is HUGE imo. I am probably more like OP's W - I assume I could live with a dog but have never done so.

Our dog is crated most of the time frankly, and she is fine with it because we are fine with it. We own the house - she doesn't. She comes out but if she acts up or growls at anyone - back in the cage.

If she whimpers but the kids are studying and don't think they can properly watch her, she stays in the cage but gets some reassuring talk and some petting through the cage and then she settles down.

My point is really that I think OP should treat the dog in a manner that appeals to his W and he should try to understand that she probably sees the dog as an animal to be disciplined or crated.

I sense OP isn't going to end up with a fully disciplined dog so I believe crating is a very good solution until all three are trained to live together.

But I'll stop at that.


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