# Advice from men … what is happening in my marriage if I still have one



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

My husband is Spanish and has a taste for drama but this time he went too far…
This is an addition to my other thread.
http://http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/183433-question-men-i-would-apreciate-your-candid-opinion.html

We’ve been together 3 years and married 4. He moved to my country and while we had money and my business was going great we were ok. We were having some issues like any couple but we were happy. Or at least I thought we were. 
Anyhow we are both young but I we had different life styles. He was not working for two years while he was on unemployment because as we are in EU he feared his unemployment would be cut short but also because he was learning the language. 
I think he worked for 8 months. He did not adapt, had a work accident (a contusion on one leg) because of a colleague and this was very traumatic for him. He did want us to move to Spain because my business was going bad. So because his flat was let by that moment he went ahead and moved with his parents and got a job so he could make some money, rent a flat while I was supposed to liquidate some things, got accepted to an MBA and move to Spain. 
I have to point out that his mother is weird and although she has a husband she needs her younger son for a sort of what I call a weird triangle. I mean she has her husband for the role of a husband but she wants my husband to be her confident, she wants him to drive her around, she wants and goes out with him and his friends. 
He never wanted to get married before us so she is not such a big fan of me. I do not know what she did with her older son (because she has 3 boys) but they do not see each other for more than 15 years, and she does not know her grandsons. The other brother moved to another corner of Spain but here she saw her nieces so she does not expect or want her “baby boy” to have children etc. 
He goes to Spain and everything is very much ok until two months ago when at his persistence because he was always asking me to send me money I said ok. And this is when everything started – we fight an entire month because he felt obliged to send me money but he didn’t want to and then out of the blue 4 weeks ago he says that even if I came to Spain I should think of living with friends from MBA and I was thinking is all because of the dam money. A week after this he is furious and he wants a divorce, goes on that he does not love me anymore, does not want me and well I am shocked because I do not understand where this came from and I tend to not believe him. I am thinking this is another tantrum because he tends to act childish sometimes because of the upbringing. So I decide to tell him that I am ok with the divorce and everything and he pedaled back that maybe we are rushing etc. Then he has problems at work and on top of that the family that was renting the flat decides to live and he has to pay the mortgage and I am tired with the fights over money and I am told him that is ok if he does not want to help me. 
On last Wednesday he calls me out of the blue and he is normal for the first 10 minutes telling me that his flat is OK, the tenants left it in good conditions, that we could live there and after 10 minutes he starts we the fact that he cares about me but he does not want to be with me (something very twisted) and starts to tell me all the bad things that you can imagine, that after we get divorced he will never marry again, that he does not wants another woman because I supposedly our marriage was so bad, that he will not regret me for pushing me away and I do not understand why is he calling me if I am so bad, selfish and you name it. He does not know why he is calling me, he wants us to be friends and I am really messed up. 
I do not understand him. He told me all those things three times already. I got that he is serious but I never got through something like this and I am hurt and scared and I do not know how to handle this situation. He does not care about my feelings he just wants to hurt me. I can’t deal with the drama. I placed all my effort in getting to a top ten school in Spain and now that everything is closer and I can’t undo anything I’ve done. 
However I need to go on with my life and I do not know how to start. I mean emotionally I am a wreck and last two months have been an emotional turmoil with all the fights after last week is finally sinking in that everything about the divorce is real and I feel abandoned and just used. Again I do not know how to get through this and what I am supposed to do in order to go on with my life.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well from my extensive knowledge of relationships and how they work...wait that isn't right. I never had any. I just got to watch them play out. Like a movie. 

Your husband seems to be either bi-polar or just a child. 

You know, your marriage makes me think back to high school. 
Ever have, or know someone that had, a boyfriend that they dated for maybe 2 weeks, got in a fight and called it off, then got back together for a while, then broke up again? 
And do that for the 4 years of high school?

Your relationship sounds like that. Only, you're not in high school, but a professional and working. And you're married to the boyfriend. 

What happiness are you getting out of this relationship? Or did you get any?


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

edgya1234 said:


> *However I need to go on with my life *and I do not know how to start. I mean emotionally I am a wreck and last two months have been an emotional turmoil with all the fights after last week is finally sinking in that everything about the divorce is real and I feel abandoned and just used. Again I do not know how to get through this and what I am supposed to do in order to go on with my life.


You already know what you need to do. I've seen your other posts. Don't you think you deserve someone who isn't so wishy washy? You need to realize that what you're holding on to isn't worth anything. All it is doing is bringing you pain. Moving on is hard at first, but over the time it gets easier and you'll find that you are much happier for it.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Thank you guys. I did and as vacation is over and those few days in this forum helped me great deal to realize that the only person I want to please is myself. 
I stopped beating myself with a stick few days ago - I realized that if I love myself enough I should not punish myself for things I can't control.
So if when I go to Spain he is a reformed man - I have to give him the right to have two crazy moments in our 7 years together - he goes to psychotherapy and well our dynamics as a couple change I will give this another shot - if not the world is full of opportunities and I have a life to live. 
Sorry for being so over the map, for posting so many threads without thinking of helping others first and for being sounding so confused from one post to the next. There were things I needed to get out my chest and in the process I became a little selfish. It will still happen from time to time but meanwhile I will promise to do my best and become a valuable supporter of the people on this forum.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well from my extensive knowledge of relationships and how they work...wait that isn't right. I never had any. I just got to watch them play out. Like a movie.
> 
> Your husband seems to be either bi-polar or just a child.
> 
> ...


Thank you. As I was hurt and not feeling well I tend to overreact and exaggerate a little 
Yes he behaved like a child for a whole month - however he behaved like my supporter, my biggest fan, my lover and my best friend over 7 years. So as I wrote below if he is in a better place when I go to Spain for MBA, if he goes to counseling and I am convinced is worth another shot I will go for it but just if it makes me happy. If not life is full of opportunities


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

edgeya, I have been defending your right to post on the singles thread - and have scanned a few of your posts to try to understand where you are at in terms of your marriage. It sounds like it is over, and that you are accepting that?

What do you want right now in life, and where do you think your marriage is at? Is the divorce underway yet? Are you seperated, or living together with you H? Are you seeking counselling to deal with the crisis of detaching from your marriage? Have you sought a family lawyer yet?


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Lon said:


> edgeya, I have been defending your right to post on the singles thread - and have scanned a few of your posts to try to understand where you are at in terms of your marriage. It sounds like it is over, and that you are accepting that?
> 
> What do you want right now in life, and where do you think your marriage is at? Is the divorce underway yet? Are you seperated, or living together with you H? Are you seeking counselling to deal with the crisis of detaching from your marriage? Have you sought a family lawyer yet?


Yes we are over. The reason I was so over the map was that he basically took his toys and left. However I found out after 4 months. When we saw each other in Spain he finally told me the truth. That he lied to me from the beginning. I am a beautiful and glamorous girl and as he putted he would have promised anything in order to get me to stay with him. He tried his best and one day realized he couldn't do it anymore. We are separated and will probably get a divorce in the fall. 
Now I am so in peace and happy. I do not know if is normal but I 've got what I wanted: closure and the truth.


----------

