# Legacy



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well here goes. I might rant a little so forgive me ahead of time.

I am a child of a promiscuous, unfaithful woman. I have never been cheated on by my spouse, but when I have made remarks about how I would react if she did, I have often been criticized because "How could I possibly know what I would do if I haven't been cheated on?"

My mom was worse than any three stories I have read put together. She left my father when she was pregnant with me, and at the very least, started fvcking my oldest sisters father around the time I was born. My sister is one year younger than me.

My father apparently only saw me once and cried. My mom cut off all contact with him and destroyed all information about him. He had a heart attack soon after and there has never been a trace of him found. If he isn't dead, I hate him. Nothing but death could keep me from my child.

My sisters dad apparently wasn't enough of a man for my mother because she started cheating on him too. They divorced and my mom didn't slow down. Several men later, my mother married my second sisters dad. He was a bad guy but my mom still liked OM penis too much for him to put up with her.

After that, my mom went through more guys than I can even count. She finally found the biggest loser in the group and married him. She still occasionally let H number three come over for a bang because I walked in on them passed out on the living room floor. Nothing like being 11 and seeing a man your mom isn't married to still between her legs.

Her behavior continued for years. At one time I confronted her, I was 13, and told her I had enough and if she continued, I would leave. She listened to me lovingly and a day later had another mans junk inside her.

I left. My grandparents took me in. A year later, I went back for my sister's sake. The guy my mom was currently married to was getting strange with my then 13 year old sister. It was a good thing I came back when I did.

One night I woke up to muffled sounds. I soon figured out it was my sister. I raised my voice to call her name. There was a flurry of movement and my sister screamed bloody murder. I was on him very fast and would have killed him but my mom started screaming at me not to. He had started raping her but he was so drunk that he was strangling my 13 year old sister to death.

After that, my mom didn't get married anymore. She was at least smart enough to leave the child rapist but she never pressed charges. She still, however, continued to fvck anything with a penis.

My mom eventually grew up. She changed. She met a good man and didn't cheat on him this time. She has been married the same amount of years as me. I have forgiven her and love her. My kids love her and so does my wife. She is a wonderful person now.

AFTERMATH:

Me and my siblings all became very promiscuous. Our view of sex was warped. I wouldn't have sex with anyone that I cared about because I had learned on some level that when you had sex with someone, bad things happened. There were some good young ladies that I couldn't romance because I really liked them.....sad.

There were also many hearts broken by my behavior. If I had sex with someone, I felt sick the next day like a hangover. I only had sex with someone 1-3 times and then I was gone. Some of the ladies that hooked up with me really started to love me......sad.

When I met Mrs. Conan I knew I had to be with her. Love at first sight I guess? The attraction was mutual and we ended up in bed pretty quickly. After all of my escapades, this was the only woman that I really wanted to be with, she was important to me. I shook so hard during our first sex attempt that we almost couldn't do it. She loved me and was patient with me. She said it was like I was a scared virgin. In a way, I was. She was the first woman I was intimate with that I loved.

Even though she was patient, the wounds my mother had inflicted on me became painfully obvious. After we had moved in together, we were having a rather hot sex session when, in a moment of heat, she blurted out "OHH!! Fvck me!" What should have been a wonderful moment of sexual expression and heat turned into a trigger for me. Guess what? Children who have been cheated on get triggered too!! I was overcome with nausea and felt both repulsed and repulsive. I immediately stopped and was furious with her. She was hurt and confused and to this day, she has never dirty talked me in or out of the bedroom.

Thanks mom! I just damaged my wife and our relationship because you loved your damn crotch more than us!

Anyone who tells me I have no idea what I am talking about when I say my opinion of what I would do with infidelity....STFU!!

No seriously STFU! Not trying to be too harsh, I like a lot of people on TAM who have said I don't know my mind on the subject. Your wrong.....I do.

I also had little idea of how to be a father to my two boys. I provided a stable home and marriage, but I was harsh and restrictive when it came to talking about relationships. They have had to figure a lot out on their own.

My oldest sister found every man she could control and slept with him. She learned well from my mom. She now has 5 children from 4 fathers. Her current H seems alright. I am really surprised she hasn't screwed it up yet. He seems like a patient man.
My youngest sister found a drugged out loser and is still with him.

Anyway... I am still trying to untangle the crap that was put in my life. As a child, you have no choice. As a BS you do.
I didn't get to choose to divorce my mom, yet I get all the "perks" of being cheated on. I have worse than mind movies, I can simply replay what I have actually seen and heard.

I can still hear my mom grunting like a pig in the middle of the night, getting her brains banged out by another OM. I can still see the look of contempt those men had for me and my sisters when they would interact with us.

I had my dignity stripped away for something I didn't do. Do you know how people looked at us? How my sisters were treated?

HEAR THIS! If any man sleeps with a married woman, especially one with kids, HE IS AN ABSOLUTE POS!!! HEAR THIS!!! You potential wayward women. Every time he sticks his d!ck in you, he is sticking it to your children!!! The guy is scum no matter how nice he talks or treats you!

If your a child of an unfaithful parent, feel free to share. Anyone else is certainly welcome too. Sorry if there are triggers, but I trigger all the time. Take care TAMmers.


----------



## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

Ugh. Horrible story. I'm glad you have a loving wife to help you. I agree that those who sleep with someone else's spouse are vile people (maybe not if they didn't know the person was married; cheaters lie). If they continue after finding the truth then they are just as bad.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TimesLikeThese said:


> Ugh. Horrible story. I'm glad you have a loving wife to help you. I agree that those who sleep with someone else's spouse are vile people (maybe not if they didn't know the person was married; cheaters lie). If they continue after finding the truth then they are just as bad.


Thanks. Mrs. Conan is wonderful.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm so sorry you had to endure this Conan.

I also caught my mother with her OM - who happened to be my dad's brother. I was just 12 years old. I suffered negative effects too. I try not to think about it anymore - it was a long time ago.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Wow. That was rough to read. You've been through a lot, man.

You saw things a kid should never have to see. Repeatedly.

I think most affairs are more discrete than that. 

Glad your M is doing well.


I often wonder about the effect my xWW's affair will have on our daughters in the long run.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry Conan.
You were severely and continuously traumatized.
Wishing you continued healing. Always room to heal and improve.

There's a new poster whose kids also saw the unthinkable. They are thanks god taking professional advice.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Seems like my dad and your mom were siblings.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I agree. I am always growing and healing. It just sucks to have so much destruction dumped on your head. I really hate that I have hurt Mrs. Conan's feelings because of damage my mom did.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> Seems like my dad and your mom were siblings.


Sorry to hear that. I wish you would have found a more compatible mate when you grew up though. Hope for your family's future.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Sometimes all life gives you are lemons. What do you do? Open a lemonade stand.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Conan, do you realize you were sexualy abused as a child?
I'm not talking about physically abused. Read about the subjet, thre's onts of help aviable outhere, it's never too late. You are a victim, a survivor if you wish. Any serious professional would tell you this. It's considered sexual abuse and it's impact it well studied and known.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> Sometimes all life gives you are lemons. What do you do? Open a lemonade stand.


Or get a bottle of Vodka and try to enjoy it the best you can.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Or get a bottle of Vodka and try to enjoy it the best you can.


My precioussss... (BrokenEric says to his liver)


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Conan, do you realize you were sexualy abused as a child?
> I'm not talking about physically abused. Read about the subjet, thre's onts of help aviable outhere, it's never too late. You are a victim, a survivor if you wish. Any serious professional would tell you this. It's considered sexual abuse and it's impact it well studied and known.


That happened too. I tried to limit my remarks to the infidelity side of things. I agree that it was abuse. I have tried to get counseling a couple of times but it didn't pan out. Your right though, I should probably make more of an effort to get some help. It is never too late.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Conan, our lives are pretty f'ed up. But realize it could have gotten worse- Your mom and my dad getting married. Every forum we posted our story on would have banned us ASAP. Trolls would have called us trolls. 

See, life ain't that bad


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> That happened too. I tried to limit my remarks to the infidelity side of things. I agree that it was abuse. I have tried to get counseling a couple of times but it didn't pan out. Your right though, I should probably make more of an effort to get some help. It is never too late.


And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.. GI Jose, a real mexican hero!!!


Sorry, I was just watching Family Guy clips: GI Jose - YouTube


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> Conan, our lives are pretty f'ed up. But realize it could have gotten worse- Your mom and my dad getting married. Every forum we posted our story on would have banned us ASAP. Trolls would have called us trolls.
> 
> See, life ain't that bad


:lol::rofl::rofl::lol:
That got me laughing!


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am very glad that you have found happiness with a wonderful woman after such heartache.

It is commendable that you were able to see past the hurt of your childhood, that you were able to see the truth, and that you have make (or continue) to make a loving home.

Some of us do not see how our parents infidelity affected our choice of partners until it is too late and we have a destroyed marriage.

Best of luck to you and your wonderful family.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> I am very glad that you have found happiness with a wonderful woman after such heartache.
> 
> It is commendable that you were able to see past the hurt of your childhood, that you were able to see the truth, and that you have make (or continue) to make a loving home.
> 
> ...


Thanks. You are a sweetheart.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Thanks. You are a sweetheart.


Such a cute kitty ... awww.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am so sorry for the pain you have had to endure. Really. I am a mother myself and was lucky enough to have had a wonderful, kind, loving mother. She has been a hard role model to live up to, but you have had to work hard to live a decent life in spite of your mother. I'm so glad that you have found a good woman to love.

I, too, think that infidelity damages the children. If they are 'resilient,' as is discussed in another current thread, it is usually because they have survival instincts, not because they are not damaged. I am one of the people here who can't understand the comment from the BS extolling the parenting abilities of the WS - it's always, 'Yes, she's cheating, but she's a great mom.' I admit that I never really buy that.

I found out about my father's cheating after my mother died. He told me in a drunken confession where the implication was that letting the cat out of the bag now didn't matter. After all, she was gone, right? He never considered what his revelation would mean to me. The truth is, I never looked at him with much respect after that. I loved him, yes. But respect? No, I don't think so.

You are to be commended, Conan, for what you've done with your life.


----------



## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

So sorry you had such a horrendous childhood. So glad you have risen above your raising. 

I wish you the best of life!


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sorry to hear Conan. You have been through hell. It seems you have done well for one hurt so badly. Congratulations.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Conan had a damn good reason to push himself to do well -Mrs Conan:allhail:


----------



## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> HEAR THIS! If any man sleeps with a married woman, especially one with kids, HE IS AN ABSOLUTE POS!!! HEAR THIS!!! You potential wayward women. Every time he sticks his d!ck in you, he is sticking it to your children!!! The guy is scum no matter how nice he talks or treats you!


Hmmm. I'm afraid this might leave things a bit too open to interpretation.

CH, could you please clarify your position on this thing . . .


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Hmmm. I'm afraid this might leave things a bit too open to interpretation.
> 
> CH, could you please clarify your position on this thing . . .


If a man has sex knowingly with a married woman, especially if she has kids, he is disregarding their well being so he can have sex. Obviously the wayward woman is as well.

WWs tend to think that their AP is nice or loving, saying sweet things to them, treating them nice. In fact, every time a POS sinks it in someone's mom, he is also screwing her kids. Children are betrayed as well as a spouse.

I will also add that a cheating parent is not a good parent. I've heard it said too often that a ws is a good parent.... BS!!

When someone betrays their children because they love their damn crotch more than what it will do to their kids, they are pretty sucky parents at that point.

BTW. I might be too touchy. If you were being humorous, I think it was funny.


----------



## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> If a man has sex knowingly with a married woman, especially if she has kids, he is disregarding their well being so he can have sex. Obviously the wayward woman is as well.
> 
> WWs tend to think that their AP is nice or loving, saying sweet things to them, treating them nice. In fact, every time a POS sinks it in someone's mom, he is also screwing her kids. Children are betrayed as well as a spouse.
> 
> ...



Sorry, Conan. I was being a little sarcastic.

(They seem to have an emoticon for everything else, they should have one that shows the little smiley face with his tongue planted firmly in his cheek.)

(Now that I think about it, an emoticon like that could be badly misinterpreted. Probably not a good idea after all . . .)


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I agree. I am always growing and healing. It just sucks to have so much destruction dumped on your head. I really hate that I have hurt Mrs. Conan's feelings because of damage my mom did.


Here's the way it is Dawg. Regardless of the goodness or the badness of your past environment, in twenty or thirty years (if you live that long) you will be able to give a story of your life. It will include your entire life up to that particular point in time. What happened to you up to this point is history. It is what it was and it cannot be changed. However, what that story becomes over the next twenty or thirty years is up to you my man.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

True Phoenix. At the time I didn't even know why I did it. I know now and it will never happen again.

Mrs. Conan and I talk about it and she is understanding. Honestly we are hotter for each other than ever and improving.

It is sometimes hard to figure out what normal is when your normal was hell.


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Conan, I don't even know what to say. I'm just so very sorry that you endured so much suffering as a child. My heart bleeds for you. Although I know it must have been very painful for you to share, I imagine that it was only the tip of the iceberg. I hope it was, at least, a bit cathartic for you to begin the process of pouring your heart out. 

Thank you for giving us a window into the mind, the heart, and the soul of the "other" victims of infidelity, the most innocent, helpless, victims of all...... the betrayed children. 

I wish I could have read your story three years ago. I didn't, but someone is reading it now, and they haven't crossed the line of infidelity, yet. I pray that it makes the difference. I think it could. 

(((Hugs)))


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Conan,
That's a rough beginning but it makes the end all the more happy. I feel like you could be my brother in law because your mom sounds a lot like my wife's mom. In our case she never changed and we currently have an EPO against her. My wife's morally corrupt family damaged her in ways that were not obvious at first. I put a lot of the blame for her cheating on them. The blame is still her's but she was a broken person; broken by all she heard, saw, and survived.

I'm glad you turned things around after your beginning and found a good wife and a loving marriage. Your story should inspire those with similar beginnings.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Wow. That was rough to read.
> I often wonder about the effect my xWW's affair will have on our daughters in the long run.


Me, too. Except, xwh. I have been running on rage for a few days due to this. It is just not right what he did to my children. He destroyed their innocence and trust.

And I agree. A cheater is not a good parent--simply because they put their own whims above the good of the children and the family. They don't stop to consider the damage they do to the children...and that is a far greater offense to the damage done to the spouse (imo).

Conan, my heart goes out to you and to Mrs. Conan.


----------



## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

My father-(and I use that term lightly) was a cheating & abusive POS.

My oldest brother a wonderful father figure who I thought could never evera do wrong cheated on my sis-in-law. I still love him dearly but see him in a different light now.

Our parents my have been cheating a-hole but at least they did something right in making. US into people that we didn't want to be-(Like themselves).


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

We are all family, unfortunately related by crazy cheating POS relatives.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I appreciate everyone's responses and almost feel bad for some of the harshness of my OP.
There are some really good people here on TAM, WS and BS alike. I guess I felt justified in ranting. If it wasn't for the folks here, I don't know if I would have gotten to the bottom of why I was in so much pain about infidelity.

Since I'm sure some might feel bashed on, I'm sorry. There are some truly gentle souls that let themselves become something bad at a point in their lives.
They made a choice not to stay that way and are some of the best spouses and parents. 

My mom is wonderful now. I think she loves me so much because I forgave her totally. My sisters didn't come through as well as me. My oldest sister is still very bitter and holds grudges and my youngest sister is passive aggressive towards everyone.

I am going to try really hard to stop the anger/pain response I automatically have when I discuss infidelity. 

I appreciate greatly everyone who has shared their stories, BS and WS. You have made yourselves vulnerable to angry people like me and many have not been angry back.

Thank you, everyone.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

It's good that you have forgiven her. My hatred is still here. My father still has a hold on me even after his death.


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I appreciate everyone's responses and almost feel bad for some of the harshness of my OP.
> There are some really good people here on TAM, WS and BS alike. I guess I felt justified in ranting. If it wasn't for the folks here, I don't know if I would have gotten to the bottom of why I was in so much pain about infidelity.
> 
> Since I'm sure some might feel bashed on, I'm sorry. There are some truly gentle souls that let themselves become something bad at a point in their lives.
> ...



Don't be sorry for a single word of your post. It was poison and you needed to let it out. It was very powerfully written and I hope that it was healing for you. Such intense emotions, after all of these years, is evidence that you continue to carry the scars of your mother's transgressions. It powerfully illustrates that, while the sins may be forgiven, the scars of such deep wounds will remain for a lifetime. 

I believe that just as a BS has to know what they are forgiving, in order for the relationship to have a opportunity to reconcile, a WS has to own the the full weight of their transgressions in order to forgive themselves. If my BS forgives me (and, he has) but, I cannot forgive myself, then I cannot heal. If I cannot heal, then all I have to offer my BS is a more damaged and broken version of myself. That's not enough, especially, considering the beautiful gift of reconciliation that he is offering me. 

B1 and I have, both, put so much time, energy, emotion, heart, and soul, into ourselves, one another, our children, and our marriage during the last 21 months. We have made a new commitment to our marriage and strive to continue healing and growing in our relationship, every day. We have, both, forgiven one another for each of our shortcomings and failures, and he has forgiven me for the ultimate betrayal. I still struggle with forgiving myself. It seems like an insurmountable task. But, do B1, and our children, not deserve a whole, healed, and happy wife and mother? 

Reading your story has given me the courage and inspiration to face my worst fears, to own them, to acknowledge them, and to commit to accepting them as a part of the "portfolio of my life." I am incapable of changing the past. By, honestly, acknowledging the full depth of my betrayal, the betrayal of my whole family, I can begin the journey of untangling myself from the tremendous guilt that has been oppressing me and hindering me from moving forward. I've come a long way, but I've been stuck in my inability to forgive myself. By acknowledging my failures, my flaws, and my weaknesses, I'm free to separate the false guilt from the real guilt, of which I have both, and I can rely on my strengths to help me overcome my weakness, and continue making amends to my precious husband and children. I'm a work in progress. 

Conan, I don't know if I would have made a different choice if I had read your story three years ago. I'd like to think I would have, but I was in a very different state of mind, then. I'm glad you shared it just the way you did. I think it helped you, I know it helped me, and I'm praying that it helps others.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks brokeneric. Thank you so much EI.

It did feel like poison coming out. But even if you feel better when you throw up, it is still embarrassing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My opinion, there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. I agree with EI. Nothing to be sorry about, either.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> It's good that you have forgiven her. My hatred is still here. My father still has a hold on me even after his death.


Sorry to hear that. I don't hate my mom but the pain of what she did really had a grip on me and, to an extent, still does.

I am trying to work through that pain and believe it or not, reading, corresponding, and triggering on TAM is helping me.

It helps, I suppose, that my mom is remorseful and changed. Sometimes I comfort her when she is being eaten alive by her past. In was hurt and was able to forgive. She hurt herself and her kids and how do you get away from yourself?

Self forgiveness is a lot harder for someone that is remorseful. 

I hope you are doing well and hanging in there, whatever that means.
Take care bro.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> My opinion, there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. I agree with EI. Nothing to be sorry about, either.


That means a lot. Thanks.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Conan- Barbarian no more.

Your rating- 10.00

Director- Mrs Conan.

:smthumbup:


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> Conan- Barbarian no more.
> 
> Your rating- 10.00
> 
> ...


Speaking of directing......
Mrs. Conan is directing me to the couch for some snuggle time.

Goodnight brokeneric. Thanks for making me laugh.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Speaking of directing......
> Mrs. Conan is directing me to the couch for some snuggle time.
> 
> Goodnight brokeneric. Thanks for making me laugh.


Goodnite bro.


----------

