# Financial Infidelity - Cause and Effect



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Compulsive shopaholic. It's pleasurable and thrilling for her to shop. I assume she spends on 'things'. Where does she put them? Does she hide them? She lies to hide her shopping so she can continue shopping not to hurt you.


----------



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

You guys need counseling.

I also recommend going through Financial Peace University. It is a Dave Ramsey program and you can usually find a church or community center near you running the program. The one we did even had a little childcare room. Go to daveramsey.com to find more info if you are interested. All his money books are good. I also like Til Debt Do Us Part by Mary Hunt.

It sounds to me like you make all the budget/spending decisions and don't really give her a say in it. Both of you should be sitting down together deciding what to do with the money that month (if you do the Dave Ramsey method it is outlined how to do it). She should be given a say and there should be compromise.

It sounds like you have decided that $1200 is enough to cover food, gasoline, clothing, school supplies, toiletries, eating out, entertainment, gifts, etc each month. Unless you actually do have seperate budget amounts for the other stuff I listed. It sounds like you do purchase at least some of those items out of a seperate budget.
This may seem like a reasonable amount to you, but may not be reasonable to her. Has she ever told you that $1200 wasn't enough for her to run the household on? If so, what was your response?

If you go to the US government food budget guidelines for your family we find that they budget $851 on a moderate plan for eating food at home all month. This is JUST food. The liberal plan would allow more like $1000. So, it really depends on what kinds of food you guys like to eat. I'm pretty sure the guidelines do not include wine or beer, that is extra.

Gasoline is pretty expensive. You can easily determine how much she is spending on gas. I know that many people budget $100-200 depending on vehicle and amount of driving.

Right there we could have gotten to $1200 without her going on a shopping spree.

Clothing for growing children and a woman who likes to dress at least somewhat fashionably is going to cost you some money, too. Each kid will average just over $625 a year. Your wife is going to maybe run higher than that. If she buys clothes for you that needs to be taken into account. You're looking at probably $200 a month on clothes. That is actually a little on the low side.

Things like toilet paper, cleaning supplies, light bulbs, batteries, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, makeup, pictures and all that is probably another $100+ a month.
What about things as they wear out or come up: washclothes, bedding and pillows, kitchen items, kids toys, home decor. You know, just the random every day stuff that gets used and needs to be replaced every so often. There's another $100.

If your youngest is in diapers or pullups and wipes she is probably spending $50 on those.

What about your 7 year olds school supplies, school photos, field trips, fees, etc. Is there a seperate budget for that? That will run about $300 a year depending on your school.

If she ever decides to pick up Starbucks, McDonalds or go to lunch with a girlfriend that adds up, too...very quickly.
She may also want to buy a DVD for the kids or a CD for her car or a magazine to look at or a book to read. If there is a birthday or holiday there are gifts to purchase. 

You said she started a business from a hobby. Hobbies are expensive and I'm guessing that that costs a bit of money as well. Is that where most of the CC debt went? Do you know what was put on the CCs?

Eighteen months to raise $7000 which includes overdraft and late fees would not be that hard at all. All she would need to do is buy clothes for herself and the kids several months in a row and then not be able to pay and it would get that high. Overdraft and late fees are a killer! Not to mention 29% interest. AHHH!

Sit down with receipts and really figure out what is going on. You are right that the relationship is off and you need to break out of that cycle.
Honestly, I think you are not budgeting enough for her household spending needs.
I am anti-debt and anti-credit card. I am anti-lying, too. I think those things have to stop. I also think you have to change how you approach your wife, the budget and family finances.

If you would like to see the official USDA Food Plans for 2010 go here: http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/Publications/FoodPlans/2010/CostofFoodNov10.pdf

For a great, but simple budget calculator based on Dave Ramsey guidelines go here: Budget Percent Calculator | GreenPath University


----------



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I also wonder if you have ever asked her what her solution would be to the debt problem or if you just tell her how it is going to go.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I don't think you sounded defensive. That was a really good response, actually. Money is a HOT topic, so I was hoping you wouldn't be offended. But, you did come across as very "in charge" which you admit is a big source of the problem.

I absolutely agree that the lying is a HUGE issue. I do think you guys really could benefit from counseling. Especially if she has past abuse issues that she has not dealt with and is projecting on to you.

What was her answer when you asked her what you guys should do? Did she come up with ideas? How did you respond?

Does she have access to "family money" or just her allowance? Is she denied access to the bank account is what I am asking.

In what ways do you invalidate your wife? 
Have you figured out why you feel the need to control her?
Do you know what she means when she says you are emotionally controlling?

I'm going to admit that I cannot really relate to her "rebelling" by hurting herself and the family financially and lying to you. To me you rebel in the area that you feel restricted. If she doesn't feel financially restricted why would she use financial infidelity as her rebellion?

Oh, and I pretty much agree with your 2 responses to her claim. It really does sound like she needs to grow up or move on. She knows she is choosing bad behavior.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Is she in counseling?
Are you guys in marriage counseling?

You are not going to be able to fix this alone.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

She is a princess. She throws emotional abuse and controlling to get you off the scent of the fact that she wants what she wants and is not planning any time soon on changing that. Drag her a$$ into counseling.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

The thing is, she says the CC debt is not about money and having the things that she wants. She says it is to punish you. To get at you...to spite you and prove you can't control her.

That is a problem much deeper and far beyond a princess complex.

Seriously, call around and start finding a good marriage counselor.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

notaname said:


> The thing is, she says the CC debt is not about money and having the things that she wants. She says it is to punish you. To get at you...to spite you and prove you can't control her.
> 
> That is a problem much deeper and far beyond a princess complex.
> 
> Seriously, call around and start finding a good marriage counselor.


All shopaholics and hoarders have an undercurrent of fantastic rage and disappointment at being unable to control everything. Shopping and hoarding soothes them, it's calming. And it drives everyone else off, which is also what they want. So it's thrilling to them as well.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

notaname said:


> The thing is, she says the CC debt is not about money and having the things that she wants. She says it is to punish you. To get at you...to spite you and prove you can't control her.
> 
> That is a problem much deeper and far beyond a princess complex.
> 
> Seriously, call around and start finding a good marriage counselor.


Or lawyer. Good god.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Kanye West comes to mind. I aint sayin' she's a gold digger. Aint messin' with no broke *****.

Let her leave. Or boot her. Maybe then she will grow up and realize that life is not one big entitlement. Or find some other poor pathetic slob. 

All the rest is a smoke screen. She wants what she wants when she wants it.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


----------



## UpSideDownMan (Apr 28, 2011)

Deleted for privacy. 

Thank you for the input.


Left for truth.

Yeah, I am going to pass on the Kirk Cameron you must find God or your life will suck (and don't forget the eternal damnation) flick.


----------

