# Dwindling hope



## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Sorry to repost a link to a thread but I'm kind of desperate for feedback here, please read and respond here, I've asked a mod to move the thread but so far nothing.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/38303-dwindling-hope.html


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

So I got my son tonight, she dropped him off, very short very dry on both parts I told my son to say goodbye and we walked away. Better that way then when she gets all pissy because she didnt get her way about every little detail. I'm done letting her push me around, I'll watch as the process goes through and take the steps I need to, neither of us have the money for a lawyer and I don't think either of us want to invest in one. However some issues came up tonight that I have not spoken with her about. We originally agreed on 300 a month child support and then suddenly a few weeks ago she said she wanted 470...she will get 400 until a judge orders me otherwise, this she doesn't know. Also the cable bill is due (in my name) and she has made no mention of it. I thought about just letting it get cut off and docking from her CS. Overall I'm trying to avoid conflict here because she just won't cooperate, it's her way or the highway. What she doesn't realize is because there's a child involved the highway isn't an option and because I'm involved it has to be something we can agree on. I'm slightly worried to tell her about those two things because I know its gonna immediately get blown up and shes gonna start telling more of our mutual friends, whom I no longer have contact with, that I'm being such an ass and making things impossible blah blah blah. I have tried and tried to cooperate and find fair mediums in every dispute. I even took alot of crap I didn't want to simply because I wanted to reconcile. However this is how our marriage has always been...the only real difference right now is I'm not getting laid at all and I'm not sleeping in my home. I wish things could be worked out but its pretty obvious she doesn't. Not sure if it's because she is having an affair or not but something is still kind of fishy to me. Maybe because I was deceived for a month before she told me she wanted a divorce. I don't know if she has come completely clean or not and honestly thats one of my least concerns.


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## Pathfinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Hello Incomplete

I just read through your previous thread to get an idea of what is going on etc.

I won't concentrate on what went wrong but more on what to try and do from here.

The first thing you must realize is YOU are the only person You can control. Your W will think and do and feel as she pleases and that may or may not be influenced by an external factor, so to waste energy there is futile which is why you must concentrate on yourself.

Obviously you must continue the *180*

In particular focus on points 1, 12, 13, 19, 21, 24, 26

Also you should read through this post by *Marduk*, in particular point #7:

*Fight different*. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

The reality is that whether you win or lose when you argue with your wife, you still lose...so don't fight or argue. I am not saying back down and be a doormat. I am saying learn to control the situation and avoid or shut it down until she is able to talk through things rationally. It drove my wife mental when things started getting heated and I would calmly stand up and tell you the discussion is now over because she is getting heated and that I will talk to her about it later when she is in a better place and then I would leave the room, sometimes the house. It didn't take long before she realized that pushing buttons would not work.

I read somewhere that 80% of all communication is through body language. So a lot of what we do speaks a lot louder than what we say we will do. You say you want to reconcile but your W and you are carrying a lot of hurt and distrust. Your actions now will speak much more truer than your words so be consistent in your deeds. Right now your wife seems to be using your relationship with this other woman as justification to leave you. Although from your previous threads I am not picking up why she decided to leave in the first place?

The best thing you can do is focus all your energy on what is going right in your life and not what is going wrong.

Follow the 180 but do not be an a**hole around your wife. Be cheerful, confident, strong etc Be attractive around her but maintain that distance and do not follow or pursue her.

Work out and exercise like mad. It will boost your confidence, make you look good and occupy your mind

Spend more time with your son, take him out and do stuff with him but do not take your wife along. Seeing the two of you having fun without her will get her thinking long and hard

Move on and show your wife that you can and have. She ( if her story is true ) has secretly compiled a dossier of reasons to divorce you, where she could have sought counseling or at least talked to you. Then she dropped the "D" bomb on you. She made her bed, she must lie in it. Show her what she will be missing. 

Make your point clear that you do want to reconcile but that it isn't your decision, it is hers and as far as you know she is moving on so you are now repairing your life and moving on. Never repeat anything you say. Say it once and back it up.

Leave the ball in her court. It does sound from the information you supplied that she is using it as a threat and that there is a lot more information out there you haven't told us. So I am speculating but I believe she is not committed to leaving you just yet and is trying to get your attention, but then of course you did a really stupid thing confiding in the other woman. Woman are territorial and the minute you do something like that there is going to be a backlash. Steer well away from this other woman for the time being until you know clearly where you are headed


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## Out of the Dark (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi,
I have only read what is right here..in a bit of a hurry this morning. This seems to go against what a lot of you are saying but, if you want your W back and to have a good relationship with your son now and into the future with or without your W...the money thing is a biggie. If there is anyway that you could do the $470 even for a few months this does several things..it builds a trust, shows that you deeply care about her well being..when women feel safe and secure esp. with a child this goes a long way. It is a very scary thought to (maybe) become a single mom and all of the pressure that goes with that no matter how involved the Dad is..believe me people who are financially generous are generous in all areas of life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow!! Just read your last post in the other thread. She is definitely cheating. 

She says the returned picture messages were from when this person replied it automatically replied as a picture message.


Bull Sh!t!! She knows it. You know it. Expose her to her family and friends. She is already in the process of demonizing you. Get her passwords somehow.

For any chance of your reconciliation, the affair should end. You won't have a chance of getting back before the affair ends.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

I had a friend verify that some companies where I'm located do in fact reply as a picture message when the picture is replied to, so I don't know. I do know that she calls me a liar because of the things she read when I was talkin to the other girl before I decided to go over and try to get her back on the 8th. I brought a list of my faults and explained how I was going to fix them. I will post more later, I have my son now and need to spend some time with him, thanks for the replies thus far. I look forward to more insight.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Sorry I have not posted. I have much to say but I'm becoming paranoid of her finding my posts. And thus my plans.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Your right pathfinder, I am wasting time and energy, however I feel like I have to let her know that she is not fooling me anymore. I realize now I'm being gaslighted like no other. Everything is starting to make sense and I want one final confrontation. It is as I originally thought but I allowed her to influence my ideas and once again strayed from my gut.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

I dont know...im kind of torn, I noticed her car at his house the other night while I was watching my son. She stayed the night there. I want to just tell her shes a lying cheating *****, then again I can't let this **** consume me, I feel like today has been a step backwards. If I'm going to say something I need to say it soon so I can get it off of my chest, however I don't think it will help. At the same time I really want to. Then again I dont...argh...step backwards. I just dont know if I can control myself from checking to see if shes there or not. I want ammo.


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