# caught wife sexting



## anotherfakename (Feb 28, 2012)

I feel like this is just a repeat of other threads (which it is) but i dont want to jump in someone else' story to ask advice for my situation.

married 7 years. i love her dearly. etc.

about a month ago my wife mentioned that she had communicated with an ex-boyfriend (from 12 years ago). I didnt really mind, i figured, just catching up. so anyway, a couple things happen along the way,

1. one night she sends me a text with a picture of her boobs in it. which was AWESOME to me by the way, she never does stuff like that and i got very interested - even sent her a pic of my junk to reciprocate. (all this despite the two of us being in the same house) like i said, i thought she was being playful.

2. the sex got really good all of a sudden. now i always enjoy sex with my wife, but she got more "into it" even one night offering anal which we hadnt done in years and which ive asked for periodically ever since the last time.

Ok, one other thing, she made a comment basically saying that the ex in question had the largest penis shed ever been with, it wasnt made as a mean comment, i didnt really think anything of it at the time.

ok so, im going through my emails and i see a msg from att that we're over our data usage. anyway some investigation ensues and i discover that she has been sending/receiving txts to this guys number in excess of 2000 times, she was over 4000 at the time but not all of them were to that number and i didnt try to count them all, but some were multimedia txts.

so im a little shocked as im realizing how much she has been txting him, and a couple things start to dawn on me. more investigation reveals that right before she sent me the pic of her knockers she sent a mmtxt to him. and suddenly its clear that the one she me was most likely a guilty afterthought, ill mention that realizing it wasnt intended originally for me is the first BIG hurt. naturally i start to think about her behavior over the last couple weeks and am kinda overcome with shame and embarassment that this new spark in her had nothing to do with me.

wrapping up, i confronted her, she tried to deny at first but eventually confessed that the messaging had gotten "inappropriate" or "sexual" thats about all shell describe it as, begging off further inquiry with "i dont remember exactly" etc. oh and she says the only dirty pic was the one she sent me also, the others were pics of our son/life/regular-catchingup-type stuff.... but, she sent and recieved an awful lot of multimedia texts. so i dont know if i believe her.

my question is. is it better that i dont know EXACTLY what was said between them or should i attempt to find out. she doesnt save messages, but "he" did, apparently after she told him that she wasnt going to txt him anymore he messaged her one day and basically forwarded alot of the conversation w/ pics. so i know he has them. att says they cant retrieve message content. but just imagining exactly how bad the sexting got is driving me crazy, i kinda feel like if i had the messages it would be easier to get over, but maybe they WILL be as bad as my worst imagining and the proof will break me. 

i admit the only thing thats stopped me from contacting him and asking to see the txts is hurt pride, i really dont want to talk to the guy who my wife chose to "electronically" cheat with.

so

advice?

edit: she has an HTC inspire


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What kind of phone?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Don't ask him to see anything. You can't trust anything from either of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Htcinspireforum.com/htc-inspire-4g-apps/how-to-backup-sms-for-android-phone/

If you can get a hold of her phone...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Advice, expose to any wife or gf he may have.

Takeaway her phone.

Have her think about and answer the following two questions:

What would she honestly do if it was you cheating?

Why should she be given a second chance at being your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Don't tell me she's been having sex with you with him on her mind?


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## anotherfakename (Feb 28, 2012)

hmm i guess ill add that the ex is going through "supposedly" his second divorce, so outing him is irrelevant to me.

Im 99% (because you can never be 100%) positive that there has been no physical interaction, theres nearly 2000 miles separating she and he and she doesnt travel for work.


i guess, what id really like to know are some people opinions on, KNOWING the extent/severity of the texting versus imagining how bad it was.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Maybe the pic she sent you was really meant for OM and only sent to you in error.

_wrapping up, i confronted her, she tried to deny at first but eventually confessed that the messaging had gotten "inappropriate" or "sexual" *thats about all shell describe it as*, begging off further inquiry with *"i dont remember exactly"* etc."_

I would refuse to accept that explanation. It is such an obvious and blatant lie. How can she not remember? Who would believe that? Does she not remember what she says and does from day to day? Tell her to stop insulting your intelligence and, if she's going to lie to you, at least have enough respect for you to tell you a lie that's halfway believable. Tell her you're going to divorce her if she doesn't come clean, then go ahead and do it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Maybe the pic she sent you was really meant for OM and only sent to you in error


Thats how I caught my wife. She f*cked up.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

2000 miles away or 2miles away... either way it's unacceptable.


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## MidwestMama (Feb 28, 2012)

Here's my story. I hope it helps you.

I caught my hubby sexting almost 6 years ago. We kept going over our texting limit. He was a delivery driver and he said he was texting with a guy on his route about fantasy football. After we went over on the second month, I got the texting records and the number in question. My GF, who worked at the cell phone company, called the number and a girl answered the phone. I then went all 007 and started checking his phone, which all the texts were erased, and the number was saved under J John. When initially confronted, he denied, but later confessed shortly thereafter. It was a girl on his route, and he said that some of the texts were inappropriate. The texts/phone calls started at 530am, when he went to work, and ended by 5pm, when I came home from work. Never on the weekends. At some points, there were 20 points of contact per day between phone calls and texts.

My hubby did full disclosure and insisted there was never any physical contact. My GF did end up calling and talking to the sexting girl, who basically backed up the no physical contact, but claimed they weren't sexting, which he said she lied. I have to say, this really helped me in resolving it in my head.

He gave full an complete disclosure and answered every question I had. He also had remorse for the pain and betrayal I went through. We went to counseling. We had some serious communication issues in our marriage, and he found someone who was nice to him and who listened to him. How he dealt with our problems was wrong, but I also had responsibility in the breakdown of the marriage.

We are still married, and have never had an issue like this since. I think it was a wake up call for us. But if I didn't have the complete disclosure and remorse from him, we never would have made it. If she doesn't provide complete disclosure and remorse, I would say the trust is completely broken.

Best of luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

3 things---she goes NC with her x-lover

she has no more anythings with males, at all

she takes a polygraph---the police can help you get it lined up, and a comptent operator

Do not allow her to slide out of this-----thousands of messages, and sex thrown in---your wife is cheating whether you like it or not


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

anotherfakename said:


> hmm i guess ill add that the ex is going through "supposedly" his second divorce, so outing him is irrelevant to me.
> 
> Im 99% (because you can never be 100%) positive that there has been no physical interaction, theres nearly 2000 miles separating she and he and she doesnt travel for work.
> 
> ...


If you know then you won't have to go on imagining for the rest of your life.You're imagining now or you wouldn't pose the question.Personally,I couldn't resign myself to a marriage of doubts.If you can,then obviously more power to your wife.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Obviously, your wife can remember what the messages/pictures were.

And obviously, the picture of her chest that she also sent to you was not the only inappropriate picture she sent to him. Obviously, what perked up your sex life a month ago was her rekindling her flame for an old ex. Sorry to say that you were just the surrogate for her passion for him.

She in practicing trickle truth. She will only admit to what she knows you can prove (the number of texts and one naked picture). Until you can prove more, she will deny, deny, deny. 

As for what really happened, another poster, in another thread wrote something that I usually think of in this situation.
"If she says they talked about work, they talked about sex.
If she says they went for coffee, they went on a date.
If she says she kissed him, she gave him a BJ.
If she says they cuddled, they had sex."

Keep that in mind when your wife is telling you that they texted about family and innocent things. Now, if you really need to know exactly what happened, then make that a condition of reconciliation. However, whether you want your wife to tell you exactly what was said and what pics were sent, or not, you should require her to stop trying to sweep this under the rug by insisting that they were trading recipes thousands of times a month.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So you're wife did not have time to travel 2000 miles to have this go physical but did he? If he's going through a divorce, what would his STBXW care if he was gone a day or two getting some starnge from your wife?

As others have said, polygraph her to get to the bottom of this


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

If you want to get more information. You can get a backup of her text messages. For the android download sms backup+ 

Even past text messages that were deleted can sometimes be recovered. Along with text messages that were sent will be able to see pictures that were sent. This app is easy to use. You'll need to know her gmail account and password. Once you set it up it will back up any messages just sent and received automatically. Then forward them to another email account.

In my case, I found 3 nights of sexting using this tool. I would have been in the dark if it wasn't for this. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Thats how I caught my wife. She f*cked up.


Most of them do and that is how we find out. Then we have to deal with the crap and that is when hell begins.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Most of them do and that is how we find out. Then we have to deal with the crap and that is when hell begins.


Statistically, and I have no idea how they got them, only one in five affairs are discovered. Also, men's gut feelings are right 50% of the time while a womans gut feeling is right 80% of the time. 

OP, you can't believe anything you are hearing. He probably isn't in a divorce situation. They could be lying to you to keep you from contacting his wife. He could be lying to your wife in order to hook her. Find his wife and talk to her. This is an absolute must. Even if she is getting a divorce she will have info you need. Most guys like this have more than one sexting/calling partner.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

A few items that you need to remember is the every time a WS is moving their lips, they are either lying, trickle truthing or "omitting" details. 

At this point, anything said should be taken with a grain of salt. The "supposed" divorce of the OM may very well NOT be true at all and exposure could have a huge impact. If it is true, it will help the OMW to finish up her case. Either way, she needs to know. 

It is time for a keylogger, VAR and some investigation and NEVER reveal your sources of info. Gather your evidence and make a decision on your next move based on the facts, not the fluff.

Q~


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> A few items that you need to remember is the every time a WS is moving their lips, they are either lying, trickle truthing or "omitting" details.
> 
> At this point, anything said should be taken with a grain of salt. The "supposed" divorce of the OM may very well NOT be true at all and exposure could have a huge impact. If it is true, it will help the OMW to finish up her case. Either way, she needs to know.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You need to jump on this with both feet or it will continue or happen again. You need to go into steath mode and make sure it does not go underground with a secret phone, secret email etc. 

You even have to make sure he is 2000 miles away on your own.

How did they get this started?


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## 4sakenallothers (Feb 28, 2012)

this is bad said:


> If you want to get more information. You can get a backup of her text messages. For the android download sms backup+
> 
> Even past text messages that were deleted can sometimes be recovered. Along with text messages that were sent will be able to see pictures that were sent. This app is easy to use. You'll need to know her gmail account and password. Once you set it up it will back up any messages just sent and received automatically. Then forward them to another email account.
> 
> ...


Do you have to be in possession of there cell phone in order to do this?


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Listen. As you mentioned, many of us have gone through this. I am now a firm believer that sending naked pics to someone is a comfort level achieved only after a physical altercation has occurred.

I outed my WW last May with the same business, 3000 texts a month to a guy she worked with. And he's not attractive. I'll save you the details...but what began with naked pics to him ended with three affairs throughout our marriage, and of course she was having sex with this most recent, awful, loser.

Turns out my wife also a borderline pathological liar, so I wasn't getting her to speak the truth, and she even called my bluff on a polygraph twice...incredible. 

Unfortunately for her she is married to a tech savvy financial analyst, so I was bat$hit crazy and started slicing and dicing every bit of information available through various conduits - bridge and tunnel statements, phone records, phone taps, VARs.

Long story short, I had to break my wife down to get her to step out of the fog and look at her life from the outside. Only then did she realize how horrible of a person she had been. And the lies do end up stinging worse than the affairs.

On the bright side, if you can a talent for forgiveness, and what I would call a boatload of grit, you can figure this out, if you are interested. More guys than less would have run for the hill with my WW, but we have young kids and I don't think she's capable of raising them to be well adjusted in this world - I need to be in their lives more often than every other weekend.

Given the distance in your situation, a face to face get together is less likely, but trust your gut, ask direct questions, and most importantly, stand strong and show that you will not take ANY $hit. That is what scares a wayward the most, a strong person that looks to be capable of moving on.


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## realitybites (Oct 12, 2011)

I'll put in my 2-cents worth. From my perspective, any sexting or steamy texts of any kind to another person other than your spouse constitutes cheating. Not physical cheating obviously, but emotional cheating. That's my opinion however so I don't mean to impose that view on anyone else.

But I know I felt cheated on when my ex was doing that with another man. Those sorts of thoughts, pictures, and words in a marriage are meant for the spouse...no one else.

As far as wanting details on the exchanges, I know I struggled with wanting to know how bad it was versus not wanting to know for the fear of the pain it would invoke. At the time, I did take pictures of her phone with the texts for proof in case she denied it. I never had to use them however as she freely admitted it....which at that point I resigned to the fact that she had already made her decision about not wanting to continue the marriage.

So I guess the question is, if you have proof enough of it, then I suppose the next question is, is she willing to turn away from it and focus on rebuilding the trust and marriage? If so, then there's clearly some boundaries that you would want to set with her, which hopefully she'll understand given the situation, maybe get into MC, etc.

If not, well then perhaps it's time to start talking about separation and potentially divorce.

Good luck my friend.


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

my advice is to dump her unless you can feel confident shes being totally honest.

Also, WTF with the penis size comment? He def sent her a pic of his junk.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

SAVE YOUR INTEL OFFSITE AND IN TWO PLACES NOW! BEFORE you do any talking to her!

Where is this ex? IE how far?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You need to demand that she gives you her phone, and do it before she figures out that she can wipe it clean. That was one of the mistakes I made when I found a few texts on my wife's phone. All the rest were deleted of course, but they likely could have been recovered if I had not had a brain [email protected] and given her phone back to her before she had a chance to wipe it. (I was lucky that I was able to recover her deleted e-mails) The more recent the texts are, the better chance you have of recovering them. *My way of thinking is that you have to know what you are trying to forgive before you attempt R.* She's not going to tell you. 

If you're not technologically inclined, get that phone and have an expert try to recover those deleted texts and pictures. Yes, it's expensive, but I'm sure you'll find it will be well worth the investment.

You also need to know how long they've been texting. If it's been for a number of months, that increases the possibility of a PA. How can you know for sure they didn't meet up if this has been going on for a while. Maybe the recovered texts will give you that answer.

All I can tell you is that it would be impossible for me, in your situation, not to do everything I could to find out what she did.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Good gawd, just realized this is a:

Zombie Thread


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## CarefulinNY (Sep 30, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Good gawd, just realized this is a:
> 
> Zombie Thread


I just noticed the same myself. LOL.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

CarefulinNY said:


> I just noticed the same myself. LOL.



How do you understand when it's a zoombie thread?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jack.c said:


> How do you understand when it's a zoombie thread?


It's a thread where posters (particularly the OP) have not posted for months or years; then someone besides the OP posts to it for some reason. Then everyone else (like me) who posts after that, doesn't realize it's been dead for some time.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)




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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Friend.
What do you think the outcome would be if her old flame wasn't two thousand miles away but a half hour down the road. He might still have the pictures of her boobs but my gut feeling is that he would have gotten up front and really personal with them and other parts of her body. 

What you got here is a woman who doesn't have any respect for you or your marriage and your the only one that can do something about it.

It's time that you come down hard on this and let her know that she's asking for a one way trip to the end of the street. Do not play games with her and do it a way that she knows you aren't fooling around. What she did was give you one huge slap across the face and you don't have to take it from her.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

*ZOMBIE THREAD NEEDS MOOOORE BRAAAAAINS!!! *


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I saw this while looking for the picture above. I know it dousn't pertain, but had to post it.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

badmemory said:


> It's a thread where posters (particularly the OP) have not posted for months or years; then someone besides the OP posts to it for some reason. Then everyone else (like me) who posts after that, doesn't realize it's been dead for some time.




ok got it! thanks


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<She in practicing trickle truth. She will only admit to what she knows you can prove (the number of texts and one naked picture). Until you can prove more, she will deny, deny, deny. 

As for what really happened, another poster, in another thread wrote something that I usually think of in this situation.
"If she says they talked about work, they talked about sex.
If she says they went for coffee, they went on a date.
If she says she kissed him, she gave him a BJ.
If she says they cuddled, they had sex.">>

Totally agree. My FWH had 3 cyber relationships with sexting, The last two with the same OW. Anything they tell you is tip of the iceberg and they will continue to do that until you can prove more.

They will try to minimize anything to make it seem harmless, a mistake, just playing etc. It's survival mode for them if they want to stay married.

I discovered teh 2nd EA w/sexting when WH did not know I knew how to work his phone. He was asleep one night, had to get up super early for work, and the power went out. I was bored after two hours and picked up his phone as I did not have a smart phone yet (2011) and went looking for game apps as I knew he played some word games etc. What I found was the aim chat app he used to text with her and wow, what an eye opener that was. He had not erased anything for 2 months. 

Then I went looking through his email and saw that he had sent pictures of his junk and there were references to her having sent one "shower shot" when she claimed she had "not done anything like this before!" right, but the pic was not there that I saw.

So, I had the whole story there. Undeniable. He broke if off with her total NC etc, full transparency, and we had a great 8 months of R before he got curious as to how she was and he texted her, as a friend.

The rest is history, they ran that time another months before I caught on again. He tried trickle truthing me as to how many phone calls ( I saw her # on his phone) then how many texts. Then how long it had been until I told him enough is enough.

If they do not have a clean break, full NC it is not over and can start again anytime.

He knows he is out of chances with me now, but I still check now and then and do not fully trust it will not happen again, no matter how often he assures me it won't.


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