# Separated and husband moving out Nov 10th



## Forzachandmatt (Nov 1, 2015)

My husband and I are separating after 15 years and it is so difficult and sad. We have been growing apart for years and have lived together but separate lives. We have tried counseling several times which helped but then it always got bad again and now we are both kind of indifferent about everything. He is moving out on Nov 10th and signed a 8 month lease and I feel like I'm in shock because I guess I thought we would figure it out but now it's come to this. I'm so angry and sad and scared. I know we should just take this time to figure out what we both want and if it could ever work again but I'm just too devastated right now - I feel like all my dreams are gone. We were supposed to be together forever , through thick and thin. The worst part is he doesn't seem to care and almost seems excited to be moving into a new place, like we were excited when WE got a new place. And he already stopped wearing his ring which I don't like and asked him not to do. Plus, his brother is getting married next weekend - his only brother who is much younger and I have been looking forward to celebrating their marriage and now I'm not going. And the worst of the whole situation is our 2 boys (9 and 12) - it's so hard to stay positive in front of them but know I have to. Sorry for rambling on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do you know what the problem is? Things like this just do not happen without a reason.


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## csmp4 (Oct 31, 2015)

I posted yesterday about my husband and I being separated for a year because of his mental health issues. When he first left, he did the same thing, talked all about how his new life would be so great. We have four kids ages 2-9, he left before our youngest turned 1. I am still married, but I don't know when I'm done? Anyway, after a few months, he decided he didn't want to leave, but our issue is his mental illness.


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## Forzachandmatt (Nov 1, 2015)

We don't have much in common. I'm almost 100% sure there isn't anyone else, but we haven't really ever communicated well and it became a vicious cycle and we kind of gave up. We definitely should have nurtured our relationship more but we were both hurting and withdrew


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hmmmmm no matter what it's still a hurtful situation. 

If he wanted space I'd give it to him. File for divorce immediately. Don't warn him just have him served. He took off his ring!!! Being timid and weak will get you nothing here if he thinks he can come back whenever he wants. Get tough you have nothing to lose.

It takes two to make a marriage. If he's never gonna work on it you need to move on.

There are times and I believe this is one if there is a chance he needs to see what he's losing. 

Go completely dark except for the kids and tell him you've decided to move on and want this over ASAP!!! Cut out the crying, begging, etc. 

I wish you the best


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fix yourself and if the oppurtunity presents itself tell him you'll fix yourself but he has to do the same if you're looking for another chance. But thats a choice you have to make.

Real men do not cut and run on a marriage with two little kids.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Marc878, has hit the nail on the head. If he is so excited about leaving you and his kids, it is highly likely he has someone else lined up. I would investigate. Men don't usually like to be alone and do all the domestic stuff unless they are leaving some someone else, please do not be naive. He is basically a walk away husband so follow the procedures

1. Go dark on him, 180, no contact unless about kids
2. When he collects kids, you make sure you are not there, no communication, friendly chats, nothing
3 No visiting in your home, he has to come, take them and go elsewhere
4. Let your family/friends know what is happening, ask a few for support at this time
5. Now look at yourself and start working on yourself, join a club, do sports, go to the gym, do the things you always wanted to do but couldn't. When he takes the kids, you are free to do something for yourself
6. Show him that you are very very happy without him and living your life
7. file the divorce papers


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## Octavia4 (Sep 30, 2015)

I am so sorry you are going through this - especially with two young kids. I hope you have good friends and family you can reach out to for support.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

So my $0.02... is it possible there is someone else? Yes, although in my case I was bipolar and not diagnosed. After a LONG period of depression where things between my wife and I deteriorated - because I would not get psychiatric/mental help - another woman made me feel good. I felt so lost and hopeless and this good feeling was like a drug and I became obsessed with it. I felt like I wasn't in love and wanted a divorce. My wife and I fought, she begged and pleaded and nothing seemed to change how I felt - BUT I DESPERATELY WANTED IT TO!!!

So, your husband definitely will need to seek a therapist and be completely honest with him. He will most likely need a psychiatrist - again, complete honesty is needed. But the biggest factor is your husband realizing all of his happiness is already inside of him and with you. I believe most men in my situation know this on some lower level, but our immediate emotions and immediate desire to feel better and fix how we feel can be SO much stronger than having the resolve to wade through years of past problems in therapy and put in REAL work to improve ourselves.

When my wife left me she moved 120 miles away. At first I was relieved and excited. Afterall, at the time I saw it as a reprieve from all of the suffering I was going through. It wasn't about not being around my wife or wanting another woman. It was about feeling better. HOWEVER... after a few months I realized the gravity of my decisions and what I lost. It's been the worst 1.5 years of my life and I miss my wife more than I thought I ever could. I also realized that in my wife, I had everything I could ever want from a woman. I gave that up, threw it away because I was too selfish to improve and repair myself. 

Now I'm in therapy, on medications, sober for 3.5 months, free from porn addictions and basically a lot of habits that make a man a "pig" in a woman's eyes. My wife and I see each other most weekends and go on dates, get hotels, go on hikes. Now she has control. She has the right to tell me when the relationship will develop further and what she expects from me when it does. I have the responsibility to focus on improving myself physically and mentally, putting all of her needs and some of her wants before mine and showing her patience and trust. Slowly I hope she will trust me more and more.

All of that was basically a pep-talk to you. You're going to feel insane, angry, furious, hurt, sick and anxious. Your husband still loves you and still thinks of you. He might not see it now, but he still needs you. I believe love is the strongest tool we have in dealing with our spouses, no matter the situation. Don't make yourself a door mat or seem pushy or needy. You have a golden opportunity to make yourself who you want to be FOR YOU. Your husband has a golden opportunity for him to be happy and who he wants to be FOR HIM. If he's anything like me, or if it really is a mental issue, if he takes advantage of that issue, he will see you, remember everything he loves about you and want you back like never before.

Be firm and loving with him. Support his need for space, reaffirm that you love him and want him to be happy even if that takes a separation. Don't fight with him on it or he'll want it more, but don't make it seem like you'r indifferent. If he snaps out of it like I did, he'll remember all the love and support you gave to him unconditionally and realize the grass was always greener with you.

Patience. Strength. Love. Learn deep-breathing meditation for the anxious times and repeat those words to yourself.

If he is open to it, try a separation where you two "date" each other every once-in-a-while. Show up confident, happy and dressed to kill. He'll notice. Oh god, how I noticed that in my wife.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Let him go. I hope you have a good lawyer. Look out for yourself and your boys, hon.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Do Not Beg. 
Do Not Cry in front of him.
Let him go.
Be Strong!


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