# Need Counseling



## counselingneeded

I write for the first time in a forum to express my deep regret for what is happening in my marriage, for guidance, for help to get through this tough time in my marriage. I've been married for 13 years and we have two kids together. For the first 10 years of our marriage, I have been a extremely jealous wife, neat-freak and control freak. When I met my husband he was this very nice guy, good looking that shared the same feelings than me to establish a relationship that would last forever. Little we knew about each other until we started living together. He was very quite individual. Always to himself. He would only speak to me if I spoke to him. He was never mean at all but that was his personality with everyone else but his sister. This upset me very much and it made me more jealous about that relationship so much that I forced him to try to talk to me. My son was born and since it was a lot of responsibility I was afraid to have sex with him again to not get pregnant. He didnt communicate to me how much it bothered him but instead he started chatting with a woman. I noticed he was distant again and one day I saw the chats. I went crazy. My world was over. I reacted the worst way by calling an ex boyfriend and told him I can also find someone to talk to just like you did. We made up and I didnt talk to that guy again, there was a reason he was an ex. I only did it out of anger. I finally learned he needed sex so I started having sex with him but I resented him for him chatting with this woman. It was betrayal to me. My daughter was born, he started to be distant again and me more controlling and jealous. I was afraid he would betray me again so I checked phones, computers etc and found he was looking at a porn site for a threesome. I went mad, called family to get him out, but ended forgiving him again for us. I never wanted to lose him however I was not well anymore I continued to be more jealous, controlling, every little time he had I wanted him to spend with me and he still didn't do it on his own. We lived like this for 10 years till he decided to get a second job. This was another blow to my face. He wanted to get another job because we just purchased a house $180k home he wanted to pay off in 5 years. This was insane to me. All I can think of is he wanted to be out again. Not with me again and this was the best way to do it. I started to not care anymore. I have tried it all before to drive him to me and it was worst. I now contacted this ex boyfriend and started an affair online, I then went to see him and cheated on my husband. During this time I still try to see what was in my husbands mind why he still not seeing me yet. He then found out I cheated. He was unconsollable he even told me he would allow me to keep the affair as long as I dont leave him or the kids. It didnt make sense to me. Why would he say that? It sounded like a trick like a way to see what I would do. It didnt seem honest to me and so I told him I wouldnt cheat but I continued chatting. He caught me again and he now was angry. I had lied. I asked for forgiveness. I told him why I did it. How I felt all these years that I was just an object in the house not a wife. He had taken me for granted he never tried to find a way to please me. I had to always do it to him and force him to do it for me. Although I said all of this he still didnt think it was his fault. I suggested therapy. He refused he said he had forgiven me this way and to leave him alone. I didnt want to leave him alone. I wanted a better marriage together. I had realized how wrong I did and I wanted to fix it. But nothing changed. I traveled again to see my parents with my kids and this time I contacted my ex to end it all. I wanted to completely remove him from my life face to face. I didnt realize that when I came back my husband had put a trace on my computer and saw I went to meet him. The worst is that since it was face to face he never saw what I said. When I came back I was a new person. My husband was nice the first week with me when I came back but then I saw him distant again I was devastated again. I creaetd an account again to vent to my ex again for what was going on I needed answers from someone to explain what was going on but as soon as I did that I realized I couldnt do that stupidity. I didnt even get to talk to my ex. I deactivated the account in facebook. I asked my husband instead why many times till one day he finally told me he had trace my computer so he can see what I was doing in my trip and found how I contacted my ex. But he never knew what I said to him. I explained. He didnt believe me again. Now that I was being honest it was late. I was a liar now. We made up but now my husband had turned against me. Everytime I would say anything like I think you need to clean our pool or can you come upstairs and watch tv, lets work out together, lets play a game with the kids he would be upset. I tried to calm him down and begged him I was sorry but he needs to communicate. He would be calling me names, we started yelling at each other, making rules, shoving and pushing out of anger for not knowing how to communicate. We made up again and I vowed to never even be confrontational I just wanted him to be nice to me when he saw me, I even started getting lingerie and seducing him but all I got was an angry man, yelling at me with anger and calling me the worst names in the book and even shoving me away naked everytime I tried to calm him down. The nicer I was to calm him down the worst it got. He didnt want to talk at all he told me he wanted to be alone. I gave him my room I needed to also stop feeling hurt so I started sleeping with my kids and looking for their time with me as the only thing I could do to keep me sane but then I noticed he was sad. When I asked him why he said he hated me because I isolated him. I told him I didnt I just needed my kids to be able to survive this. I told him if he also needed them he can easily ask, knock their door and be a father. But he blamed me for it because I should have known he was feeling this way and I should have asked the kids to go to him instead. I said Im sorry again I didnt mean to do that I started leaving the door open. However one time I was with my son at night because it is the worst time for me, to be alone at night and I think he felt the same he asked my son to go with him to watch tv in another room. I felt so upset he was now taking my baby from me. I went and told him next time he needs to do this when I was not already with him. He didnt understand he told me he hated me. I started crying again, begging him to forgive me I did such terrible thing to him. I had told my kids I was sorry I did it and it will never happen. I told him no matter if you are with me and daddy calls you can go with him. This didnt matter anymore he said to me again he hated me. After a day I tried to be calm and talk. He didnt even want that. He said if I tried to speak to him he would leave, he would join the army and leave so he didnt have to see me. I backed down. I thought is too soon to try to talk. I tried again later. I finally got him to talk but now his answer is we need to just be here for our kids. We are not us anymore. He said you can come back and sleep here in the bed but dont touch me, dont kiss me. I can only talk to him as a friend. I been trying for a week now to just be that but I am hurting inside because he looks so normal. He talks to me like we are best friends. he now even eats with me in bed but I still cant dare to touch him or kiss him. I have to keep my feelings to myself. Yesterday I let him know I am going to counseling because I am not good with myself. I need family to talk to as well about my feelings. I talked to his mom and sister and confess what I have done and how I am now and to help me cope with this emotional isolation. They accepted my apologies. We will now be meeting regularly so I can not lose this new me I am trying to build free of fights of nagging, of wanting things for me, I am now cooking cleaning and serving him without asking for anything in return. I talk to him as a friend even though I am sad inside. I go to counseling tomorrow. Yesterday he told me is not that he doesnt care but he does not want to live that life anymore of constant fighting and he wants to just focus on the kids. He had told me before he had many insecurities about himself he is not happy in his own skin. He hates he is losing hair, that he got fat and now works out a lot, he hates he has so much hair and he hates he has to do anything if it isnt his own initiative. he never wants to do anything if I ask him or give him a suggestions. He recently was diagnosed with ADHD. He also hates going in public he doesnt like crowd places. He almost fainted once he was at the mall. He likes more time alone and he is happy like that and very little time with the kids and less with me. He expected me to figure out his dislikes without having to talk. This is what he hates the most having to tell me how he feels. He doesnt want that life and he doesnt want to look for anyone else ever again. I love him. I am so sorry I didnt understand how his personality really is. I am sorry I never got that he was very antisocial to the point of not trying to change.
Please help me I need advise to understand him and to save my marriage


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## sammy3

Wow... Im really sorry you are having such a hard time of it. Im really glad your going to IC tomorrow. Your husband needs to join you too. Both of you need emotional help right now. 

Dont give up. 

~sammy


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## Rayloveshiswife

Hang in there. The counseling will do you some good and hopefully with time his head will clear enough to want to be more than friends with you. After all you both have been through, it sounds like that alone is a big step. My hope is that the two of you not fighting nearly as much will allow him to see you in a different light. It will be a long journey, but I truely hope you get your marriage back. When things get bad though, please find ANYBODY to talk to but an ex. It's just asking for trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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