# married but simply coexisting



## married2bigkid

Hi Everyone I’m new to this and not sure where to begin. My husband and I have been married for 4 ½ years. When we met, we dated for a brief period and broke up. He claimed because I mentioned wanting kids and he didn’t. Well low and behold a couple months later I had to have a surgical procedure and when it came time for my recovery, I couldn’t get rid of him. A few months later, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. When we found out, I told him that I didn’t want to get married only because of the baby. He could walk away if he wanted or he could stay, the decision was up to him. We got married six months before our first child was born. While pregnant I did find out that he had been texting a female and asking to meet up with him at a friend’s house. He claims he was just joking, but I know he meant it. I was totally pissed to find out that he was contacting someone else and trying to meet up with them only 2-3 months after marrying me and I was pregnant with his child. We were able to move on past this (I thought). So our baby was born and fast forward to mother’s day. While I’m taking care of our baby upstairs, I find out he was downstairs texting another female. She sent him a picture of her getting ready to go out on the town. Now why would a random female text you a picture of herself going out unless she’s trying to get at you? I felt so betrayed. I had him go get tested because I didn’t believe that the texts were harmless. We got past this. (So I thought) I started noticing that our sex life was slacking off. We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to 4-5 times a month. During this time I also discovered that I had been molested as a very young child (2-4 yrs old) and had issues with having sex because my mind would go back to those early years and I would panic. I went to counseling and it was determined that when I married my husband I became vulnerable which means I let me guard down. When he betrayed me by having those emotional affairs, it opened the door for those repressed memories to come back. Now here we are 3 ½ yrs later and I’m in a sexless marriage. We may have sex once every couple of months. Last year I was determined to have another baby because I wanted our 3 year old to have a sibling. I don’t know what came over me, but for an entire week, I could not get enough of him. We had very passionate sex, like we did when we first met, and conceived another baby. During the whole time I was pregnant we had sex only 3 times. I’m to the point where I could never have sex with him again and I would be fine. Don’t get me wrong, he is the best sex I have ever had, but I’m not physically or emotionally attracted to him anymore. I feel like he’s another kid instead of my husband. He is very supportive at times. I had a bad accident and couldn’t walk for 3 months so he stepped up and took care of me and our child. If I need him to do something he does it without hesitation. If I’m not feeling well, he does get me medicine and let me rest. But with all that being said, he is not what I expected my husband to be. He doesn’t make that much money. I know I shouldn’t let that be a big factor, but it is when I make close to $60,000 a yr and he makes $25,000 and is perfectly fine with it. Why? Because I take care of all the bills. He convinced me to sign for him a car that carries a monthly payment of over $600. We were supposed to split it down the middle, but he only contributed once and we’ve had the car for over a yr. He’s supposed to pay all the utility bills and daycare while I pay the rent, purchase items for the children, groceries, car insurance, health insurance, life insurance, etc. but he only pays daycare and I still end up giving him gas money. Mind you I'm not working because I just had a baby so I haven't had a check since February. I feel as though I’m starting to resent him and I feel that if I am to carry the weight of the family, I should not have to give him to his sexual desires if I’m not “in the mood”. I know I’m not supposed to deprive my husband of sex, but how can I go there if I’m not into him like that anymore. We don’t communicate. The only way I can have a decent conversation with him is to pretend that I’m interested in his video games or in cars. We don’t spend quality time together and when we do, it’s because I’ve initiated the whole thing. I just feel like giving up. As I stated I just gave birth to our second child 3 months ago and I really want to walk away, but I don’t want my children to grow up without their father in the house. I also don’t want to stick around for the next 18 years only because of the kids and set a bad example by not showing them what a happy marriage looks like. I’m so confused. I’m an adult trying to cope with being molested as a child. In an unfulfilled marriage with someone whom I care very much about, just don’t think he is the right one for me or maybe I"m not the right one for him. I think we both rushed into this marriage and now we’re stuck. I’ve asked him to go to counseling before and he refused. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in school trying to create a better future for our family and I can’t even get him to commit to getting his GED. He has been on his job for over 12 yrs, but clearly he doesn’t make enough to provide for his family. He lack motivation and ambition and this is not acceptable for me. WE have simply grown apart or I have outgrown him….

Sorry this is so long, but as you can see, I need help figuring everything out. I'm sure I've left a lot out, but this is just a synopsis.


----------



## waiwera

Wow...sorry your going through this...it must be tough with 2 little ones.

Do you two 'talk' ...really talk about issues within the marriage? Do any issues get resolved?

Have you told him how close you are to walking?

Have you ever been to counselling?

Alot of people don't know how to be a good husband/wife/parent and need to learn skills to do so.

I would suggest the two of you work out a plan (maybe with the help of a professional MC) to save your family unit. Divorce must always be a last and final option.

Best of luck to you both.


----------



## married2bigkid

Thanks for your response. I try talking to him, but it seems as though it falls on deaf ears. When I try to express what I'm feeling, he brings up the point of us not having sex. To him if we are having a regular sex life, all is well, but it's not. We have come close to divorcing before, but decided to work things out. He keeps bringing up the fact of how things used to be before we got married (sex) and he want that side of me back. I can't help that I was molested as a child. I've gone through counseling for this and I'm trying to move on, but it's very hard. I might go back. It is hard with two small children and I could still be hormonal, but I know when I'm not happy and I know I deserve better. I don't look forward to him coming home anymore. Quite frankly he doesn't appear to be happy to be here either. He finds any excuse to get out of here and to be honest, I feel relieved. It feels like I carry the weight of the family on my shoulders. I work full time, go to school full time, cook at least 5 days out the week, fix and serve his plate, wash, dry, fold, put up all the laundry, care for the children, give baths, homework (I was surprised 3 yr olds have homework), I do it all. He comes home and he just has to sit back and wait to be served. When he's off, you would think he would do a load of laundry or vacuum the house. NOpe. He don't even fix him nothing to eat. He just wait on me to get home. Some days I want out, some days I can't imagine him not being here. I have boys and it would hurt me to my core to take them away from their father. I don't know what to do.

I really do think a MC would help, but he won't go. I've asked time and time again and nothing. Divorce was never supposed to be an option for us, but right about now I just feel like we are roommates that sleep in the same bed.


----------



## waiwera

Gosh sounds like a crappy life your leading right now...

You may be hormonal but that doesn't make him behave like a spoilt child... although it might make you react more emotionally.

Do you have support...family or friends? I'd grab all the help and support you can get..sounds like you need it as your doing a lot.

Instead of MC why not try IC...it might just help you clarify what you want and need now/short term/long term.


----------



## Dollystanford

it's a crap situation to be in - and it was the total death knell for our relationship. There's nothing worse than being lonely when you're married to someone who was your lover and your best friend

I found when he left that it didn't hit me that hard - he wasn't here in body or spirit for the last two years anyway and I'd essentially been living as a single woman but still having to do his laundry and listen to him go on about his day (never once asked me how my day had been) and pay for everything

I could never tell you to leave him or not leave him - that's your choice. But from the sound of it your relationship was very like mine (bar the two kids - he was my D's stepdad) and it hasn't been as hard as I thought

in fact I got over it pretty quickly and now when he exhibits his selfish behaviour I wonder how the hell I stayed married to him for so long (and what I ever saw in him in the first place - I'm currently going through the 'anger' stage, but angry at myself for suppressing my personality to suit him)

good luck with whatever you decide - you're stronger than you think x


----------



## married2bigkid

Thank you all for your responses. I don't have anyone to go to because my mom just went through a divorce and chemo/radiation for breast cancer all within the same year and I don't want to stress her out. I could talk to my cousins who I'm extremely close with, but I would hate to bring them into this and then we work it out because they would never forgive him. 

I do feel lonely in this marriage and I'm sure he does too. He's not getting what he needs sexually and I'm not getting what I need financially and emotionally. 

I don't know what I will end up doing, but I think I'm going to seek counseling tomorrow. Thankfully we have an EPA office at work that we can go to and have confidential counseling. 

Thanks again for your feedback. I really do appreciate it.


----------



## on the mend

I have been married for 26 years, have 2 children, 19 and 15 and have realized, truthfully reflecting, that I have been unhappy for about 20 of those years. We have had many ups and downs, with his drinking problem, quitting and sneaking it, his smoking, quitting and sneaking and with me shutting down and just 'living' in it. I have threatened many times to leave him and even told him I was staying for the money and until the kids have left the house. Well, one has started University and the other only has a few years of high school left. But I'm tired of waiting. I have been away with some girlfriends and during those 2 weeks, rediscovered who I truly am, and no, not in a sexual way, lol. One of my friends stated after me staying, I haven't been happy for some years now "you haven't been happy since I've known you and that was 19 years ago". wow. Rude awakening. I want to be happy, I want to come home, I want to go on holidays with someone I love, etc. Through all the years of threats I have used the excuse of money, my beautiful home and my kids. In truth, welfare is there for a reason and it doesn't mean I have to stay on it, a home is 4 walls and some paint and its what you make of it and my kids, well, what example am I setting with living in a home where I am not happy. I'm sure they know it anyhow. I have taken the first of many steps. I am seeking the help of a counsellor this very coming Friday and not to help 'fix' my marriage but to help me with the guilt I will absolutely feel when I talk to my husband and tell him that our marriage is over and I am no longer in love with him. He is a wonderful smart man. He's quit drinking and smoking, he is half way through finishing a business degree and his children adore him. yet,,,,I am still not happy. My daughter is in a relationship with a boyfriend and has been for 3 years. She has confessed that she doesnt want to be with him anymore but doesn't want to hurt his feelings. WOW, where did that come from??? me. She has stayed with him because she doesn't want to hurt him. My leaving will crush my husband. I am not angry and I am not malicious, I am simply not in love anymore and haven't been for a very long time. I do feel a little empowered by making the appointment and I have also been applying for another job. He doesnt know any of this, although I can tell he is walking on eggshells since my return from my holiday. I feel so sad for him but in the end, on my death bed, what advise do I have to give my children about relationships, about love and about being happy??? None as of yet.


----------



## EleGirl

on the mend said:


> I have been married for 26 years, have 2 children, 19 and 15 and have realized, truthfully reflecting, that I have been unhappy for about 20 of those years. We have had many ups and downs, with his drinking problem, quitting and sneaking it, his smoking, quitting and sneaking and with me shutting down and just 'living' in it. I have threatened many times to leave him and even told him I was staying for the money and until the kids have left the house. Well, one has started University and the other only has a few years of high school left. But I'm tired of waiting. I have been away with some girlfriends and during those 2 weeks, rediscovered who I truly am, and no, not in a sexual way, lol. One of my friends stated after me staying, I haven't been happy for some years now "you haven't been happy since I've known you and that was 19 years ago". wow. Rude awakening. I want to be happy, I want to come home, I want to go on holidays with someone I love, etc. Through all the years of threats I have used the excuse of money, my beautiful home and my kids. In truth, welfare is there for a reason and it doesn't mean I have to stay on it, a home is 4 walls and some paint and its what you make of it and my kids, well, what example am I setting with living in a home where I am not happy. I'm sure they know it anyhow. I have taken the first of many steps. I am seeking the help of a counsellor this very coming Friday and not to help 'fix' my marriage but to help me with the guilt I will absolutely feel when I talk to my husband and tell him that our marriage is over and I am no longer in love with him. He is a wonderful smart man. He's quit drinking and smoking, he is half way through finishing a business degree and his children adore him. yet,,,,I am still not happy. My daughter is in a relationship with a boyfriend and has been for 3 years. She has confessed that she doesnt want to be with him anymore but doesn't want to hurt his feelings. WOW, where did that come from??? me. She has stayed with him because she doesn't want to hurt him. My leaving will crush my husband. I am not angry and I am not malicious, I am simply not in love anymore and haven't been for a very long time. I do feel a little empowered by making the appointment and I have also been applying for another job. He doesnt know any of this, although I can tell he is walking on eggshells since my return from my holiday. I feel so sad for him but in the end, on my death bed, what advise do I have to give my children about relationships, about love and about being happy??? None as of yet.


YOu need to start your own thread so that people respond to you. This thread was started a long time ago by someone else.

Just copy your above post and move it to a new thread that you start. And also add some paragraphs to make it easier to read.


----------



## EleGirl

on the mend said:


> I have been married for 26 years, have 2 children, 19 and 15 and have realized, truthfully reflecting, that I have been unhappy for about 20 of those years. We have had many ups and downs, with his drinking problem, quitting and sneaking it, his smoking, quitting and sneaking and with me shutting down and just 'living' in it. I have threatened many times to leave him and even told him I was staying for the money and until the kids have left the house. Well, one has started University and the other only has a few years of high school left. But I'm tired of waiting. I have been away with some girlfriends and during those 2 weeks, rediscovered who I truly am, and no, not in a sexual way, lol. One of my friends stated after me staying, I haven't been happy for some years now "you haven't been happy since I've known you and that was 19 years ago". wow. Rude awakening. I want to be happy, I want to come home, I want to go on holidays with someone I love, etc. Through all the years of threats I have used the excuse of money, my beautiful home and my kids. In truth, welfare is there for a reason and it doesn't mean I have to stay on it, a home is 4 walls and some paint and its what you make of it and my kids, well, what example am I setting with living in a home where I am not happy. I'm sure they know it anyhow. I have taken the first of many steps. I am seeking the help of a counsellor this very coming Friday and not to help 'fix' my marriage but to help me with the guilt I will absolutely feel when I talk to my husband and tell him that our marriage is over and I am no longer in love with him. He is a wonderful smart man. He's quit drinking and smoking, he is half way through finishing a business degree and his children adore him. yet,,,,I am still not happy. My daughter is in a relationship with a boyfriend and has been for 3 years. She has confessed that she doesnt want to be with him anymore but doesn't want to hurt his feelings. WOW, where did that come from??? me. She has stayed with him because she doesn't want to hurt him. My leaving will crush my husband. I am not angry and I am not malicious, I am simply not in love anymore and haven't been for a very long time. I do feel a little empowered by making the appointment and I have also been applying for another job. He doesnt know any of this, although I can tell he is walking on eggshells since my return from my holiday. I feel so sad for him but in the end, on my death bed, what advise do I have to give my children about relationships, about love and about being happy??? None as of yet.


I'm going to give you a quick answer her 'cause I'm going to bed here in a minute. Once you make your own thread, I'll look for it tomorrow.

I suggest that you not leave your husband right now. 

You and you alone are responsible for your happiness. For some reason you did not take care of yourself all these years. What you need to find out in counseling is why you neglected yourself. And then what you need to do to become happy.

I fear that your leaving your husband at a time when you are this unhappy and this distraught will be a huge mistake. Take the time to heal yourself, find yourself and get happy. Then decide what you want to do.


----------

