# Overweight problem



## the smugster (Feb 9, 2009)

I've wandered around the internet reading various bits of information about weight issues and its effect on sex within a marriage. Apparently, the topic is not altogether uncommon.
From what I've seen (and experienced) so far, it tends to be a touchy issue. At any rate, I'll explain my situation.....

Basically, I'm the skinny one, and my wife is the overweight one. We are both in our mid 30s, been married around 5-6 years, and we don't have any kids.

She was slightly chubby when we met, but she gained a very large amount of weight after we married. 

We have a great friendship, and we both love each other. The problem is the fact that it has created a barrier in the "sex" part of our lives. 

In reality - the problem is pretty much my fault. I have absolutely no desire to be sexual with her. 
I have always been turned off by obesity, and have tried my hardest to avoid it while I was still on the market. I don't even allow myself to gain much weight if I can help it. I try not to eat too much junk food, and exercise every day (I run 5.5 miles, and do a few crunches...... nothing crazy). I gained a bunch of weight (40 lbs) when I quit smoking years ago.......but got disgusted with it _very quickly_, and got rid of every bit of it.

This is not to say that I still don't have a raging sex drive. I think about sex more than I care to admit..........but I just can't handle all the blubber.
I think it would also help to define what it is exactly that I dislike about the fat. It's really gross to touch. I put my arms around her, and it's like hugging a football player. She has all sort of "Michelin Man" looking overlapping folds all over the place......a double chin.....a belly (gut) that hangs down......large flabby arms.......just unappealing [to me] in every tactile and aesthetic way possible. She's also not very limber any more. 


Our problem is made even more complicated by all the other usual rigmarole that goes along with weight issues. You may know the whole routine.......my wife sensitive about her weight, and she isn't realistically committed to getting rid of it. FOOTNOTE: she does not have any medical issues (IE - thyroid problems or anything). This is purely the result of sedentary life management. 

I'm not the kind of guy that wants to unfairly "change" or pressure anybody. I don't want to be "that guy" that holds anybody to unfair standards.......which actually puts me in difficult position. I'll typically let it go about 6 months before very carefully and diplomatically bringing it up again. 
Other than that, I've tried all the tricks I've seen people post online (being supportive, inviting her to go with me for exercise, trying to work through it mutually, being patient, etc).
The sex part is not the only problem BTW. There are obviously also other issues that can haunt us later down the line (diabetes/cardiovascular/etc). 

I've contemplated leaving her under the pretense that we make excellent friends, but have different expectations as lovers..........but I'm not really convinced that's the right thing to do. Heck - we do love each other after all. We've put all this time into building our relationship. It's not something to be casually tossed away.

We haven't had sex maybe two or three times over the past two years. I know she can't be thrilled with that, and I feel like chewing off one of my arms. 

Any tips?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It is not superficial to want a healthy spouse. However, if you really can't be turned on by her, then it is time to throw in the towel.

I'm pretty sure your wife knows of this rift between you but likely can't find a way out of the way she has let herself go easily.

She got fat over a much longer period of time than she has resolve to get rid of quickly.


You would do her a disservice by making her think things are other than they are for you. Don't cheat, just walk away.

Passion and love are far more than a physical thing. However, you both know it is a big factor.


----------



## HusbandFatherSonBrother (Feb 7, 2009)

Personally, I think it's shallow. But I seem to be in the minority when it comes to men.

I don't love my wife because of the way she looks on the outside. If you can even contemplate leaving her because of her looks, then I don't think you have a marriage on solid grounds.

Frankly, I think your options are to accept her the way she is, or get out of the marriage. No amount of manipulation is going to get her to lose the weight. I'm not saying she can't or won't lose the weight, I'm just saying she is going to have to make that decision on her own, for her own reasons.


----------



## the smugster (Feb 9, 2009)

Wow - thanks for the quick replies so far 




michzz said:


> It is not superficial to want a healthy spouse. However, if you really can't be turned on by her, then it is time to throw in the towel.
> 
> I'm pretty sure your wife knows of this rift between you but likely can't find a way out of the way she has let herself go easily.
> 
> ...


I'm certainly no cheater. I'm the kind of guy that will sit in a futile situation indefinitely without giving up.......but I will admit that every time I see other people in the vicinity (in particular, other runners since I live in an area with lots of them) I start feeling uneasy. 

.....but "throwing in the towel" as it were is starting to seem like the only way to solve the problem. I'll take your response as a vote. 




HusbandFatherSonBrother said:


> Personally, I think it's shallow. But I seem to be in the minority when it comes to men.
> 
> I don't love my wife because of the way she looks on the outside. If you can even contemplate leaving her because of her looks, then I don't think you have a marriage on solid grounds.
> 
> Frankly, I think your options are to accept her the way she is, or get out of the marriage. No amount of manipulation is going to get her to lose the weight. I'm not saying she can't or won't lose the weight, I'm just saying she is going to have to make that decision on her own, for her own reasons.


Y'know - real life is beginning to teach me the things people consider "shallow" aren't as much as I originally thought. The two things commonly listed in this category are "looks" and "money". I think men are most commonly associated with looks, and women money. 
While it is certainly noble and ideal to accept a person for who they are on the inside, you also have to admit that there's actually legitimate downfalls in strictly adhering to this line of thinking. 

Assuming money were no object, then a woman could easily take on any wonderful loving man despite the fact that he's dependent on her from being perpetually jobless and satisfied with living at the very bottom of the system. While she isn't exactly a gold-digger per-se, she would be much better suited with a man who can at least support himself, and contribute financially.

I find myself in the same situation in a way. BTW - just to avoid confusion, we aren't talking about "looks" . We're talking about obesity. It's not as simple as being ugly or not being a viable "trophy" or something. It's completely changed everything that makes sex appealing to me. I can't pick her up any more; I can't achieve positions; she's not limber; and she is truly visually unappealing to look at naked; she's unappealing to touch. I guess it caters to the niche of men who are either desensitized to it, or in to it (as a fetish).....but not me.
We have a wonderful wonderful friendship.....but the "lover" part of it dead if since she isn't taking care of herself. I'm not looking for a supermodel or anything......just stay trim if you can help it.


----------



## tonikessler (Jan 5, 2009)

but I just can't handle all the blubber.
It's really gross to touch. I put my arms around her, and it's like hugging a football player. 
She has all sort of "Michelin Man" looking overlapping folds all over the place......a double chin.....a belly (gut) that hangs down......large flabby arms.......just unappealing [to me] in every tactile and aesthetic way possible. She's also not very limber any more.

Just leave this note on your pillow on the way out the door!


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

uh oh


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie-
Hit that treadmill


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Was the "slightly chubby" when you were dating ok? Or did you think you'd be able to get her to knock that weight off when you got married and instead she followed the course she was on by getting "chubbier".

I worry about my weight as well (5'2 150 pounds) I'm not fat by any means, but I've got a little extra on me, especially around the hips . My husbands take is he likes curves, but if I ever did edge more towards the "overweight" side he would start exercising with me. NOT because i'd be a sexual turn off, but because he wants me to stay around until we are very old and grey and that happens when your healthy.

Maybe you should try coming at it from that angle. But try working with her and get her to try and see your side by way of making herself healthy - not because you no longer see her as a sex goddess and it makes you sick to look at her.


----------



## HusbandFatherSonBrother (Feb 7, 2009)

the smugster said:


> I find myself in the same situation in a way. BTW - just to avoid confusion, we aren't talking about "looks" . We're talking about obesity. It's not as simple as being ugly or not being a viable "trophy" or something. It's completely changed everything that makes sex appealing to me. I can't pick her up any more; I can't achieve positions; she's not limber; and she is truly visually unappealing to look at naked; she's unappealing to touch. I guess it caters to the niche of men who are either desensitized to it, or in to it (as a fetish).....but not me.
> We have a wonderful wonderful friendship.....but the "lover" part of it dead if since she isn't taking care of herself. I'm not looking for a supermodel or anything......just stay trim if you can help it.


I understand where you are coming from, but I also see where this is leading.

Just be honest with yourself. Are you going to be unhappy as long as she is overweight? If she loses the weight, do you truly believe that you will then be happy in your marriage? Will she be worried for the rest of her marriage that if she regains the weight you won't love her anymore?


----------



## the smugster (Feb 9, 2009)

tonikessler said:


> Just leave this note on your pillow on the way out the door!


I know you're just joking and everything. I don't ever want to do anything like that to anybody. 
A lot of what I'm saying is just tactile descriptions to describe what it is I'm not liking. They aren't intended as barbs or anything. 




TNgirl232 said:


> Was the "slightly chubby" when you were dating ok? Or did you think you'd be able to get her to knock that weight off when you got married and instead she followed the course she was on by getting "chubbier".
> 
> I worry about my weight as well (5'2 150 pounds) I'm not fat by any means, but I've got a little extra on me, especially around the hips . My husbands take is he likes curves, but if I ever did edge more towards the "overweight" side he would start exercising with me. NOT because i'd be a sexual turn off, but because he wants me to stay around until we are very old and grey and that happens when your healthy.
> 
> Maybe you should try coming at it from that angle. But try working with her and get her to try and see your side by way of making herself healthy - not because you no longer see her as a sex goddess and it makes you sick to look at her.


I don't mind slight bulges here and there. Before we got married, it wasn't that bad. 
I too am worried about problems like cardiovascular/diabetes/etc....as well as her general daily health. I'm under the impression that it's also contributing to her frequent sicknesses, but I'm not a doctor so my own correlation/causation is questionable. 



HusbandFatherSonBrother said:


> I understand where you are coming from, but I also see where this is leading.
> 
> Just be honest with yourself. Are you going to be unhappy as long as she is overweight? If she loses the weight, do you truly believe that you will then be happy in your marriage? Will she be worried for the rest of her marriage that if she regains the weight you won't love her anymore?



I would be ecstatic if she lost the weight. There are absolutely no other underlying problems in the "relationship" part of our marriage. This is strictly limited to the erotic department. 
I will contend that this is a touchy subject because a lot of people associate it with a loss of love --- which I would like to emphasize this is not. This is strictly in reference to the overweight part. It is truly a big big big turnoff.

That is one thing I haven't thought about however (long term). I don't want anybody to have to feel unfairly pressured. At the same time, It means we get to enjoy the benefits of a long life together (er.....I mean higher probability since we could die in a plane crash or something LOL)




mommy22 said:


> What have you tried? Have you told her how the weight affects you? It may seem like you're being cold to tell her, but you can put it in more loving terms than you did here. It's better than just leaving her. Do you have any extra money to have her meet with a nutritionist and personal trainer to begin a healthy lifestyle? You say you run. I can appreciate that. I love it too. But, for her sake, could you take up another form of cardio that the two of you could do together? You can even sign on with a trainer as a couple. Many trainers will agree to meet with two people for the price of one if they meet at the same time. You run and do a few abs. Great! Get in some strength training of your own.


I've tried everything except the nutritionist (that actually gives me a ray of hope--- I've never thought about trying that) 
Leaving her is the absolute last thing I want to do.


----------



## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

My wife was on bed rest for six months while pregnant with our second child. She got pretty heavy, as she used food to deal with her depression. After the birth I became involved in helping her lose the weight. I would cook the food, and if she needed I would measure out her portions using the Weight Watchers program. She is down under 180 after topping out at 230.

We are now working out together, and she has a goal to be back to 150. This has taken a couple years to get to this point. If you love her, and are willing to help you can do something to help. It really depends on how much work you are willing to put in to help and lead the way.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't think such feelings are "shallow" at all. Everything has a threshold.
Obesity is every bit as damaging as alcohol, smoking, gambling, etc.
It is self-destruction in slow motion, and somewhere along the line, there is a point where a loving supportive partner can't give any more when the partner with the issue will not address it. Or even worse, the partner with the issue blames the other instead of taking responsibility. If I read your post right, you already blame yourself for not being attracted to her.

She is jeopardizing her health and her marriage. If you are already physically active and eat well, then you can coach, support, and enable her - which certainly can bring the both of you closer.
If she rejects the idea, or your support ... it will be up to you to define the consequences of her choice, where your marriage is concerned.

Bottom line: Nothing you would ask of her is harmful - in any way. Her choosing to lose weight means both of you win.


----------



## bagelboy (Apr 22, 2008)

the smugster said:


> I've wandered around the internet reading various bits of information about weight issues and its effect on sex within a marriage. Apparently, the topic is not altogether uncommon.
> From what I've seen (and experienced) so far, it tends to be a touchy issue. At any rate, I'll explain my situation.....
> 
> Basically, I'm the skinny one, and my wife is the overweight one. We are both in our mid 30s, been married around 5-6 years, and we don't have any kids.
> ...



WOW!
I could have written this word for word.

Amazing the similarity....

I have not read the rest of the thread yet...just the first post.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

well i tend to feel uncomfortable if i put weight on. i dont feel me.
but i know my boundary on the heavy level. my family are large and to be honest it scares the pants of me.
i do have a fear. but fact is. i do exercise, i watch my eating and habits and horse ride, whereas my family pretty much do absolute nothing and dont look after themselves.
i think your fears are perfectly normal.
p.s ive lost 9 lbs since january and toned.
i dont eat after 8 pm and i do a mile on my exercise bike b 4 bed.
i certainly feel the difference.
but im in focus mode. 
some ppl dont mind being big. others its medical. then you have those who have no focus.
however if its an issue in the marriage - like most things they need to b addressed.


----------



## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

as an mma fighter not currently competing right now but still trains. im in great shape and my wife was a pretty big girl. but, i still loved her. we are an interacial couple she is half jamaican and irish, and our kids are mixed. she was big when i met her and she is actually 7 years older than me. most women dont like to tell theyre age but i turn 32 tomorrow. our sex life has had its ups and downs (no pun intended) anywhoo...dude i think you might just have to learn to accept her or leave her. me and my wife hold hands in public and i always catch people checking her out. witch makes me feel good. 
ive always found that i would rather have someone that was less atractive to treat me right than have someone look like a supermodel and treat me like dirt. also if people are gonna be picky about how someone looks in a relationship...they need to bring something to the table as well. growing up every girl i knew or liked always thought i was ugly...what do you think that did for my confidence? so i got into mma just to get the training and lean up a little and boy did it work...its nice to walk down the street at 32 and have women honking at me...i even had a couple of gay guys do that..although its flattering , i dont swing that way. i didnt have to talk to my wife about losing weight. i just led by example. i would walk into the living room where she was sitting and asked her to do things like hold my feet while i do sittups, or count while doing pushups...then eventually she would do it with me and when i go outside to run i would ask her to walk around the block say 3 times and count how many times i could lap her up before she got done and after a while i would catch her walking faster so i couldnt catch up as easy...its kind of like reverse phycology to get her to be active without crucifying her and belittleling her in the process...she has gone from 295 to 200 right now and to boost her confidence even more, when we are in bed i always let her know that im always thinking about her and everytime i stare at her body she makes me soooo horny...and its causing her to want to workout more...
just my 2 cents


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

.its kind of like reverse phycology to get her to be active without crucifying her and belittleling her in the process...she has gone from 295 to 200 right now and to boost her confidence even more, when we are in bed i always let her know that im always thinking about her and everytime i stare at her body she makes me soooo horny...and its causing her to want to workout more...
just my 2 cents 

WOW... what a great idea!


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

You know, i've always wondered if this was hubby's problem with me - my weight. I have actually lost weight since I met him. But he swears it's not my looks. I wonder if he's just trying to spare my feelings or if he really is disgusted by me?

I'm shallow too! I wouldn't date me. I HATE my sagging belly skin, BLECH. But 5 kids (one was 14lbs) will do that to a girl's tummy. Other than plastic surgery, I don't think I have many other options.
Several times I suggested to hubby that I get the surgery - he said 'nah, don't bother' and I haven't. 

Have you ever been REALLY honest with her and told her lovingly and gently that it's a turnoff? I think she at least deserves to KNOW you are considering abandoning her and your relationship while she has a chance to do something about it.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

you need what is called a "mommy Makeover" which is basically a tummy tick. You will never get rid of the "pouch" without it, 1000 crunches a day and strict diet will not repair that skin, If you ever do get it, make sure you get a good Dr. a bad one could leave a horrible scar. My wife wants one and I asked her to wait..


----------



## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

a tuck might be good if that is something you would want to do. my wife has the belly skin too...but just remember that when you are laying down its less noticable. also i was the one who actually got surgery done 2 years ago cause i could not get rid of my love handles, and i hated them. i was slim and trim everywhere else but those damn handles would not go away so i did some research and flew down to Los Angelas to get lipo done and it was non invasive and you can barrely see the scars. i feel better and look better too. my wife thought about doing that as well. i told her if she wanted too, that would be fine with me. but i also told her not lose her butt....lol, i need something to hold on to....


----------

