# Xmas during reconciliation?



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

My wife's affair is still very fresh and has no doubt changed the holiday season this year. My family and her family both know about her affair (which came to an end about 2 weeks ago), which makes visiting family a bit awkward for both of us. We're in the early stages of attempting reconciliation, we're still trying to figure things out as a couple. 

She's extremely disgusted in herself and wants to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. But on the other hand, she said she's afraid of eventually hurting me again...that I don't "deserve a person like her". She said she never thought she was capable of doing what she did, yet she did it...she feels like she doesn't know who she is anymore and it scares her about our future going forward. She feels like she has serious problems, that somethings wrong with her to be able to cause the man she loved so much pain. Anyhow, I suppose I take her feels as a positive side.... She's beginning to fully understand what she's done and real remorse is setting in. Although her feeling like she's completely worthless and doesn't deserve me isn't helping us move forward. Any suggestions on how we can take that next step forward this holiday? I still have bouts of anger, but as time has went on they have lessened. She admits that if he hadn't left her and went back to his wife, she would still be with him right now. Of course she realizes how wrong this is after the fact, it weighs on a man/husbands soul feeling like the 2nd choice of the women he loves...even if she realizes the mistakes she made (maybe I should send the OM a xmas card thanking him for my wife back?)

1. As for Xmas, how can I get through this without dealing with the awkward family situations? Most of my family miss her and want to see her, while others feel less friendly.

2. I'd like to get her a nice gift that's appropriate for our current situation, since you guys are so knowledgeable about everything, any suggestions in that department? 

Merry Christmas to everyone! Thanks for helping me get through this!


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Isn't taking her back enough of a gift! Really, your second choice how much of her heart rather be spending Christmas with him.....some, most, all? I guess you could give her a card, in it write that your gift is forgiveness, reconciliation, and a dedication to improve your marriage. That you give this gift from your heart in spite of the scar tissue, and open wounds. Tell her that this gift is both one if the strongest things that she every received AND the most fragile.......that she could crush and destroy it with a thought and or a deed. 

Anything else would be a token.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Isn't taking her back enough of a gift! Really, your second choice how much of her heart rather be spending Christmas with him.....some, most, all? I guess you could give her a card, in it write that your gift is forgiveness, reconciliation, and a dedication to improve your marriage. That you give this gift from your heart in spite of the scar tissue, and open wounds. Tell her that this gift is both one if the strongest things that she every received AND the most fragile.......that she could crush and destroy it with a thought and or a deed.
> 
> Anything else would be a token.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, that was pretty deep calif...I'll def. consider this idea. Thanks


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

There is no better gift than that!


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

**** in a box?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Isn't taking her back enough of a gift! Really, your second choice how much of her heart rather be spending Christmas with him.....some, most, all? I guess you could give her a card, in it write that your gift is forgiveness, reconciliation, and a dedication to improve your marriage. That you give this gift from your heart in spite of the scar tissue, and open wounds. Tell her that this gift is both one if the strongest things that she every received AND the most fragile.......that she could crush and destroy it with a thought and or a deed.
> 
> Anything else would be a token.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Total win! :smthumbup:


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Total win! :smthumbup:


Don't you mean EPIC ROCKSTAR FROM MARS WIN!


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Sean- I've been reading your posts for some time now and I'm pleased to hear that things appear to be heading in the right direction. Things with the family aren't always what you would like but here would be my recommendation, please keep in mind that you know your family and that what has worked with mine may not work with yours. 

When things went sour with my wife (we too are working on reconcilation) and my family found out, I had a talk with them. I pointed out that although we were having problems and they were quick to be supportive of me (even though I was wrong) that she deserved to have them there to support her as well. I asked that they not shun her or treat her any differently. My family has always loved my wife and this was painful for them as well as us. I asked them that regardless of what may happen to us that I wanted them to continue to show her the love that they had and to not mistreat her. 

I too am very lucky that her parents think highly of me and although I haven't had a sit down conversation with her mother I did call her dad. I told him what had happened and fully expected him to hate me and wish me ill. It brought me to tears when he told me that he had no reason to hate me and that he loved me, even more when he told me that regardless of what happened with my wife and I that he would always welcome me to his house and that he still cared about me very much.

So my recommendation would be that you make any family gathering as comfortable as possible with everyone by having a conversation with you family. Acknowledge that ther have been issues (get that elephant out of the room) and ask them to show her the love and forgiveness that a family should. If not for her you as a couple, do it for you as a family member. Again just my thoughts. Hope this helps. And I wish you and your wife a very Merry Christmas, a happy marriage could be the best Christmas gift you two could give each other.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Sengar we know how you feel.

Without trying to hijack the thread, money has been tight this year so we've got the kids sorted, but there is very little left. My WW sat with me today and said, 'Are we going to get something for each other?'
And I replied, without sarcasm or resentment, 'You're still married. Lets see how you take care of that for now and we'll see how the rest turns out.'
She understood my meaning.

I think the card idea is fantastic and may steal that Idea for use.

Best wishes Seangar

N-B


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Seangar said:


> She's extremely disgusted in herself and wants to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.
> that I don't "deserve a person like her".
> She said she never thought she was capable of doing what she did, yet she did it..
> she feels like she doesn't know who she is anymore and it scares her about our future going forward.
> ...


Sounds like you had a var at my house. 
Has she added that she will never forgive herself?
Has she added that she will never cheat again? (only thing that gets me when mine says this is she used to say it without the again at the end)

But the card sounds great. I think I am going to do that as well.
Thanks for the post.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Seangar said:


> My wife's affair is still very fresh and has no doubt changed the holiday season this year. My family and her family both know about her affair (which came to an end about 2 weeks ago), which makes visiting family a bit awkward for both of us. We're in the early stages of attempting reconciliation, we're still trying to figure things out as a couple.
> 
> She's extremely disgusted in herself and wants to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. But on the other hand, she said she's afraid of eventually hurting me again...that I don't "deserve a person like her". She said she never thought she was capable of doing what she did, yet she did it...she feels like she doesn't know who she is anymore and it scares her about our future going forward. She feels like she has serious problems, that somethings wrong with her to be able to cause the man she loved so much pain. Anyhow, I suppose I take her feels as a positive side.... She's beginning to fully understand what she's done and real remorse is setting in. Although her feeling like she's completely worthless and doesn't deserve me isn't helping us move forward. Any suggestions on how we can take that next step forward this holiday? I still have bouts of anger, but as time has went on they have lessened. She admits that if he hadn't left her and went back to his wife, she would still be with him right now. Of course she realizes how wrong this is after the fact, it weighs on a man/husbands soul feeling like the 2nd choice of the women he loves...even if she realizes the mistakes she made (maybe I should send the OM a xmas card thanking him for my wife back?)
> 
> ...


This time last year was hell for all of us, I had just told hubby I wanted to seperate, and was full into my affair. He's triggering pretty badly right now, feeling sad mostly, remembering what we he went through last year.

It was really uncomfortable when we R. in Feb. both with my family and his, everyone knew what I had done. I was a shamed for my behavior as I had more than let down people that I cared about. His sister was the person I had to gain the most trust from, she was really angry that I had done this to her brother. The first time we had her over for dinner was pretty uncomfortable to say the least. I made her favorite dinner, and then we all sat down and talked about what had happened. She slowly became more supportive of both of us working on R. and 9 months later all is good with no mention of what went on. With my mom, it has been difficult, we were never really open with each other, and I have yet to talk to her about the affair. My husband has a good relationship with her, and so he tells her everything that is going on, and shares with her my guilt and shame. 

This Christmas will not be perfect, as even 9 months later my husband is still reeling from my affair, he goes from anger to sadness, and at times feels like throwing in the towel. I try to listen and not force him to deal with his emotions, he has to heal from this on his terms. We'll be with family, focusing on making sure the kids are doing ok. My husband's mixed emotions have made it difficult for him to show me that he still loves me, but when he told me that he wishes he could tell me what he bought me for x-mas, I got a little glimmer of the man I used to know who couldn't wait to see my face when I opened his gifts. Christmas is really imp. to him, and I guess it's my chance to show him how much I care.

I think that your wife will feel more uncomfortable than you, it will be hard for her to face her family and yours. For you, you will feel embarased that you wife did this to you, and think that everyone sees you as a fool. Or, they may just be supportive, and want you guys to move forward in a healthy manner. It depends on the families.

Now, my only worry is that my 4 cats don't eat the guinea pigs that santa is bringing the kids. lol


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Sounds like you had a var at my house.
> Has she added that she will never forgive herself?
> Has she added that she will never cheat again? (only thing that gets me when mine says this is she used to say it without the again at the end)
> 
> ...



It seems like people are pretty predictable. There is a difference though, she nor I, ever thought she was capable of having an affair. She never showed an ounce of interest in another man and was so happy to have me. I felt secure and never thought she'd could have an affair, that's where I was arrogant and it left our relationship vulnerable. Unless the proper steps are taken, any marriage regardless of how strong, can succumb to the temptations of an affair. 

Me: "Can you promise me that you'd never do this again"
Her:"I feel like I can't make that promise. I never though I'd ever be capable of doing what I did to you, but I still did it. Now I feel like I don't even know who I am. Right now I feel like I would never that again, but I honestly don't know. I feel like I'd be lying to you if I promised you that and told you I wouldn't"

I didn't really have much of a response to what she said, I appreciate her honesty and I can understand where she's coming from. How can you promise not to do something, when you never thought it possible for you to do it in the first place?


@working_together

It is extremely uncomfortable for the both of us, but for different reasons. I do feel like a fool, humiliated...where she feels ashamed/embarrassed. But we'll get past it. I understand perfectly what your husbands going through, the constant roller coast of anger and sadness...it's hell. I feel like if the wayward spouse could just feel a small slice of that pain, they would never consider in 1000 years doing what they did again. Being the BS, it's a hard road, you love the person more then life it's self...but it's hard to look at them the same way... especially when you look at them and think of the affair and the pain they caused you. I'm worried about the "triggers" too. I dont want to have to be reminded of her affair every holiday season, that would be horrible. From what I've read this kind of pain takes atleast 2-5 years to get through, we'll see. 

How do you help you husband deal with is anger/sadness? What have you done on your part to make reconciliation possible? You said your husbands mix emotions have made it hard for him to show you love and affection, it's kind of the opposite with my wife. She feels that I'm disgusted in her, and b/c of that she's having a hard time showing me any love or affection (which would honestly help make me feel better). My wife says she has so many things going through her head, she doesn't know where to begin in fixing our relationship.


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