# No Full Time Job = No Sex



## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

Howdy Guys! Back again. I have been having trouble with the wife because I have not found full time work yet. Last year we had our first child (about 8 months ago) and I have been working two jobs, sometimes 3 to make sure that I can pay the bills. My wife works a full time job but does not pay any of our bills (just pays on her credit card debt and our storage unit). At first I thought that we were going thru the after pregnacy deal (No Sex until she feel secure with her body again)....but it has been months (8) since we even got close to having sex.
I became puzzled and asked "What do I need to do to get her in the mood again?" She responded "You have not gotten a better job, we are not financially secure so how can I even think about having sex yet alone even opening my legs with you?" Ouch!!!
She makes more than I do and has put money away in her personal seperate accounts. She has started an account for our child which is good but I am always struggling to make ends meet. I constantly look for a full time job, resume submissions, over the phone interviews, etc... Hell I even work as a custodian (which is noble work) cleaning toilets to make enough for our rent and bills.
I put everything that I make into our household (not getting anything for myself) while she goes out and spends money on clothes, dinners with friends, etc.
I know the role of the Man (in general...not to be sexist or anything) is to be the PROVIDER for the family. Isn't providing a roof over your family's head, making sure the electric, gas and cable is paid and working 12 hours a day and 6 days a week worth some sex? What should I do???:scratchhead:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell... forgive me, but I have no respect for your wife.
You ARE the provider of the family, you keep the roof from fallin while she just runs around and enjoys life - without you. Keeping her money to herself even... the nerve!

BTW, you work 6 days, 12 hours, why so little cash? I pulled in quite a sh-tload of money working 84 hours here before in Australia, 2 jobs and one cash in hand (hehehe no tax!!!)

Personally though, put it bluntly that even though you may not earn as much you seem to contribute to the most (if not all) of the household. Financially secure... haha, does she mean stable or with lots of money for her to spend? If the later, I would move on.

One thing I did learn however is that it is very possible to spoil your wife. My spoiling my missus led to a very painful crisis last year which led to a temporary separation that she is still hurt and shocked over. Sometimes a man just has to stand up for himself you know -> it seems she's getting the better end of the bargain in your shoes.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm sorry for saying this but you've got to grow a pair. Your wife is an extremely selfish woman who cares nothing about you.

Her 'reason' for not wanting sex with you is probably bogus. A good wife would appreciate the sacrifices her husband is doing for the family and contribute herself to the financial survival of it.

It irks me no end that in this day and age where women make good money, we men tolerate this chivalrous cr*p from them


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You're married, but your W is not.

I would seriously ask myself if I wanted to stay with someone as selfish and emotionally abusive as her.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

Alwaysconfused said:


> Howdy Guys! Back again. I have been having trouble with the wife because I have not found full time work yet. Last year we had our first child (about 8 months ago) and I have been working two jobs, sometimes 3 to make sure that I can pay the bills. My wife works a full time job but does not pay any of our bills (just pays on her credit card debt and our storage unit). At first I thought that we were going thru the after pregnacy deal (No Sex until she feel secure with her body again)....but it has been months (8) since we even got close to having sex.
> I became puzzled and asked "What do I need to do to get her in the mood again?" She responded "You have not gotten a better job, we are not financially secure so how can I even think about having sex yet alone even opening my legs with you?" Ouch!!!
> She makes more than I do and has put money away in her personal seperate accounts. She has started an account for our child which is good but I am always struggling to make ends meet. I constantly look for a full time job, resume submissions, over the phone interviews, etc... Hell I even work as a custodian (which is noble work) cleaning toilets to make enough for our rent and bills.
> I put everything that I make into our household (not getting anything for myself) while she goes out and spends money on clothes, dinners with friends, etc.
> I know the role of the Man (in general...not to be sexist or anything) is to be the PROVIDER for the family. Isn't providing a roof over your family's head, making sure the electric, gas and cable is paid and working 12 hours a day and 6 days a week worth some sex? What should I do???:scratchhead:


Tiring, isn't it? I personally know of two women who took that same position. 

It's not like being without a job isn't hard enough, and it is most likely not your fault - the economy is in a shambles. You need to tell her to cut you some slack, but what you two really need is counseling. You know, "for better or worse"?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, your wife sounds like quite something. I didn't want to type out some unprintable words. 

I think you need to 'man up' with your wife. She is running rough-shod all over you, and that isn't acceptable, imho.

When you're married, it means there are two people involved - and you BOTH took vows of "for richer or poorer". It's not reasonable that she would get to have the lion's share of money that she earns and not contribute to the greater household good like you do. I don't think it's reasonable for one spouse to act like they are still single when they are married - and that involves everything from who and how you get to hang out, to how money is managed, and everything in between.

I would call a family meeting to order and lay it all out. Tell her how you feel, and lead the meeting to set up a family budget. There should be a big pot in the middle that is "our family money" that you both contribute to, then there can be two smaller pots - one for each of you that is your 'fun money'. Be active in taking leadership of this and demanding the respect and appreciation that you deserve for the contributions that you are making. Don't let her pull the wool over your eyes anymore with regard to the finances. 

Then, do you have a plan together on how to pursue better job opportunities? Putting some thought in to a well laid out plan and presenting that to her AND showing some action on your part to implement that plan could also have a big impact. She is looking to you for some kind of security for now and in to the future with your little one.

Another thing to think about since you've had a baby recently is whether her hormones are still messed up from that. Usually childbirth and breastfeeding (if she's doing that) can really depress a woman's libido. HOWEVER, for a loving wife who understands what her husband needs, she would be willing to step up and 'help' her husband out. That's just my viewpoint.

Best Wishes.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

> Hell... forgive me, but I have no respect for your wife.





> I'm sorry for saying this but you've got to grow a pair. Your wife is an extremely selfish woman who cares nothing about you.





> I would seriously ask myself if I wanted to stay with someone as selfish and emotionally abusive as her.





> Well, your wife sounds like quite something. I didn't want to type out some unprintable words.


The role of the man, is to be the man. Your wife is currently in that role by dominating you. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Danny Glover is a good book, or so I have heard from these forums. Give it a shot. Look up the Man up and 180 in the Mens Clubhouse.

Also, if your wife witholds sex due to your "lousy" job, she is essentially turning her sex into a commodity... (I hope Syrum see's this  )you cant afford.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Wow. A lot going on here.

It is hard enough on a man's psyche to be without a full time job. This is when we need the support of our wives the most. It is not uncommon though for the man to have a lower self esteem during this time. He puts out a different vibe. He may be less interested in sex due to stress period.

I am guessing that some women anyway view a man as less sexy if he is not working full time. Hey if the guy is actively trying to support hisfamily and so on he needs his wife to be there. He needs to be able to go into interviews with confidence. He also needs to know his wife is there for him and feel like they are dealing with adversity together.

Now the whole other financial arrangemnet is whack. You already got great advice on that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When you were working full time, was she making sex with you a priority? If not, her "no job = no sex" carries no weight. If you're basically in the business of buying sex, there are endless potential vendors. Competition drives down prices and increases quality and customer service.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Alwaysconfused said:


> She responded "You have not gotten a better job, we are not financially secure so how can I even think about having sex yet alone even opening my legs with you?" Ouch!!!


if my fiance ever said something like that to me (seriously) i would be out the door and gone.....but thats just me....


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Yeah, she doesn't understand that sex is not dependent on how much money you make. At least you're trying. I was in her position, but my husband wasn't even looking. I was filling out applications for him. In fact, thats the only way he got his full time now (with the help of God.) She really does have to understand that the economy is very tough right now, and a "better" job is not just going to pop up. Its not fair that she gets to enjoy life more without helping to pay bills. If I were you, I'd make her buy her own groceries and food. Make her share in teh sacrifice. You are the provider, but she is the helpmeet, if she needs to help you buy clothes and food for the family she needs to do that. She should also be helping out by taking the family out and covering some date nights. She shouldn't just be the only one enjoying life when you make sure there are lights and hotwater for her and the baby. I admit, I can be selfish with the money, but when my husband is trying and the family is progressing, I need to meet him part of the way so we can both be happy.


I became puzzled and asked "What do I need to do to get her in the mood again?" She responded "You have not gotten a better job, we are not financially secure so how can I even think about having sex yet alone even opening my legs with you?" Ouch!!!
She makes more than I do and has put money away in her personal seperate accounts. She has started an account for our child which is good but I am always struggling to make ends meet. I constantly look for a full time job, resume submissions, over the phone interviews, etc... Hell I even work as a custodian (which is noble work) cleaning toilets to make enough for our rent and bills.
I put everything that I make into our household (not getting anything for myself) while she goes out and spends money on clothes, dinners with friends, etc.
I know the role of the Man (in general...not to be sexist or anything) is to be the PROVIDER for the family. Isn't providing a roof over your family's head, making sure the electric, gas and cable is paid and working 12 hours a day and 6 days a week worth some sex? What should I do???:scratchhead:[/QUOTE]


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Men should never beg for sex. I would probably concentrate on looking good, and start coming home at some unusual times. Alternatively, keep a playboy or something around and if she asks, note that you have to look or thing about something. 

Telling her, you are superior to me, I am a little peon, and you dish out your lovely body if and when you see fit, is not the way to run a marriage. Work on improving yourself financially, but also stop being a doormat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The sex thing is rediculous. She's lucky to be married to a man who will do what it takes to suppor this family. 

Her refusal to help pay household expenses is also rediculous.

She is lucky to have you for a husband.... you are not lucky to have her as a wife. She does not understand what being a wife means.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> The role of the man, is to be the man. Your wife is currently in that role by dominating you. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Danny Glover is a good book, or so I have heard from these forums. Give it a shot. Look up the Man up and 180 in the Mens Clubhouse.


Robert (not Danny) Glover


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> "You have not gotten a better job, we are not financially secure so how can I even think about having sex yet alone even opening my legs with you?"


Holy cow man... Sounds like instead of a wife you have some sort of prostitute at home. Not trying to insult, but does she love you or your income? Don't stand for this man, if you do she will be carrying your balls in her purse.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This thread is a year old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> This thread is a year old.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh. Then I would guess he found out that if she wasn't "spreading her legs for him" she was probably spreading them for someone else.

I hope it worked out for him.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Your wife is thinking like a gold digger. No money= no sex huh?
Maybe she'd like you to use your money for prostitutes instead. At least you would have your physical needs met. 

I believe that the partner who makes more should pay more bills. It is only fair! Your wife seems very selfish and manipulative.

I don't understand wives who refuse sex just because money is tight. When my husband was unemployed, we made love all the time. The poor man's self esteem was already beaten down-why would I make it harder?? The lovemaking helped my husband remember that I would be there for him no matter what.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dude you`re keeping a roof up and lights on.

She`s stashing her money and not keeping a roof up or the lights on.

You need to laid down some boundaries because she`s not on board with you at all.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I don't understand wives who refuse sex just because money is tight. When my husband was unemployed, we made love all the time. The poor man's self esteem was already beaten down-why would I make it harder?? The lovemaking helped my husband remember that I would be there for him no matter what.


Damn... That's what being a wife is all about. Congrats to your hubby


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Alwaysconfused said:


> I became puzzled and asked "What do I need to do to get her in the mood again?" She responded "You have not gotten a better job, we are not financially secure so how can I even think about having sex yet alone even opening my legs with you?" Ouch!!!


"So you're a who*e?"

This is a vicious circle. Women who withhold sex for employment/financial reasons don't understand that it's the worst thing they can do. Without sex, it's very hard for men to maintain a sense of ambition, drive, confidence, etc. They're almost guaranteeing they won't get what they want.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Just want to offer a different opinion. Some of you feel she is withholding sex. Maybe she really is stressed out and just isn't thinking of sex at this point. I can see that because in some ways, I feel the same way.

I'm frustrated being the larger breadwinner. Not because I want to but lots of shoes, clothes etc. I make decent money 85k). I worked several years and got 2 degrees to get to this point. I went through years of no money etc. I finally got to the point where I can live comfortably. However, I got married and my husband had a substantial pay cut last year. He works hard. He tries hard. He's a great man. But this paycut is increasing our debt, which stresses me. He's looking for a new job, but hasn't found anything with his old pay. I probably will have to take on a second job soon as I have higher earning power.

I'm stressed, and yes, I'm a bit resentful. I love my husband, and I try to encourage him. But I didn't work this hard to struggle for years to come. We have a lot less sex than before. I'm not withholding. I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm not playing mind games, as some would suggest. I just can't seem to get in the mood. And he spends so much of his evenings looking for better work that I get tired waiting up when I have to be up early (he goes to work later). 

So the wife here might be the same. Don't be so quick to think she's playing games or being cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gabe135 (Dec 30, 2012)

Alwaysconfused said:


> My wife works a full time job but does not pay any of our bills (just pays on her credit card debt and our storage unit). (No Sex)
> I became puzzled and asked "What do I need to do to get her in the mood again?" She responded "You have not gotten a better job, we are not financially secure so how can I even think about having sex yet alone even opening my legs with you?"
> She makes more than I do and has put money away in her personal seperate accounts. She has started an account for our child which is good but I am always struggling to make ends meet. I constantly look for a full time job, resume submissions, over the phone interviews, etc... Hell I even work as a custodian (which is noble work) cleaning toilets to make enough for our rent and bills. I put everything that I make into our household (not getting anything for myself) while she goes out and spends money on clothes, dinners with friends, etc. I know the role of the Man (in general...not to be sexist or anything) is to be the PROVIDER for the family. Isn't providing a roof over your family's head, making sure the electric, gas and cable is paid and working 12 hours a day and 6 days a week worth some sex? What should I do???:scratchhead:


From the above "it is always is about HER". I'm not saying she is or isn't - but if so it's very dangerous for you. The word to research (in depth) is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's certainly a disorder worth knowing as we all encounter one of these at some point in life. They can even be high functioning (a boss, teacher, politician, etc...).


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

That's true, but you could go through the motions, even fake a little, but you decided your marriage or your husband's happiness was not worth the effort. 




tennisstar said:


> Just want to offer a different opinion. Some of you feel she is withholding sex. Maybe she really is stressed out and just isn't thinking of sex at this point. I can see that because in some ways, I feel the same way.
> 
> I'm frustrated being the larger breadwinner. Not because I want to but lots of shoes, clothes etc. I make decent money 85k). I worked several years and got 2 degrees to get to this point. I went through years of no money etc. I finally got to the point where I can live comfortably. However, I got married and my husband had a substantial pay cut last year. He works hard. He tries hard. He's a great man. But this paycut is increasing our debt, which stresses me. He's looking for a new job, but hasn't found anything with his old pay. I probably will have to take on a second job soon as I have higher earning power.
> 
> ...


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> That's true, but you could go through the motions, even fake a little, but you decided your marriage or your husband's happiness was not worth the effort.


What? 

I was offering a different perspective. My husband and I are working through our financial issues. I thought the OP might like a different perspective, but I guess you decided I didn't care about my husband's feelings. 


I thought it might benefit some people to see how financial worries may lead to resentment. What I have learned from this site, though, is some people are quick to jump on the withholding/playing games bandwagon without considering other reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Part of your comment I agree with. We should try to be cordial and people should be free to post their opinions. That said, we should not just agree with other posts to be nice. There are too many divorces where family and friends (not to mention lawyers) tell each person what they want to hear instead of providing candid comments. 

Even a good marriage requires a substantial amount of compromise. Frequently you want to do things because it makes the other person happy. If your wife invites you to her office holiday party, you try to make friends with people there, don't drink, laugh at their jokes, and tell her you'd love to come back next year, not complain about going, say there's no one you know, and ask to leave after an hour. A decent looking man may from time to time see a lonely attractive woman, perhaps a subordinate, and it could be after a fight with his wife; he should have the discipline to not go further. 

I don't doubt woman's amorous interest substantially decreases during stress, and I have a family member who dealt with unemployment and saw the stress that caused. My point was that a good wife realizes that diminished amorous activity aggravates rather than solves the problem. There are things people can't do, and others they don't want to do. An unemployed man can't wake up, go to work and get a 2,500 paycheck, he can work on jobs, connections, and professional developement. Perhaps a woman can't love lovemaking amidst financial stress, she can do it, and present an image of pleasure. 

My point was indicating that the woman was doing the right thing was incorrect, at least that's my opinion. 

if your husband cannot get a higher-paying job, then for you, I would try no to make him feel bad, and the two of you should accept the new situation. Money doesn't make people happy. Would you be happier if he were making 500,000 per year, told you that it was not necessary for you to work, and you set home and went to women's parties and watched reality television. A lauren Weissenberger book posed the situation of a wife with a low-earning musician where he suddenly became famous and suggested the wife follow him around as second fiddle when others adored him. In the book, she was not happy giving up her careeer and what she accomplished to simply watch him, even if they were financially stable.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Bobby, it is fine for you not to agree with me and of course, you don't have to agree with me to be nice. However, I felt you attacked me, and I certainly didn't see any reason for you to do that. Your manner of attacking me as if I didn't care about my marriage or husband was upsetting. I appreciate this post much more. 

I understand what you are saying. Spouses should try their best to support each other through rough times. That includes their love lives. For me, I struggled with that due to resentment and worry. We have worked through a lot of that, and my husband decided to go to school part-time to work on another career, one he's always wanted. He is still working full-time. We have made some adjustments in our living expenses, too. I have been supportive and most of my resentment has faded. We are having sex more, and I feel things are improving. 

I never have wanted to sit home and not work. I don't watch reality tv, btw. I have worked my entire adult life, even when I had a small child. I enjoy working and earning money. Also, I'm sure you were just throwing figures out there, but I could hardly sit home if my husband made $50,000 a year. We can't live on that. 

Also, I never said what the woman was doing was correct or incorrect. I was just saying I could understand it and didn't think she was purposefully playing games. 

One more thing. I was divorced and single for 10 years (not because I wanted to be). There were tons of times in those early years that I was broke and barely making it, despite a decent job. I had to take care of my child without child support, etc (father never paid child support and court couldn't seem to enforce it). You say a man needs encouragement to get a job, do well, etc. Well, I didn't have anyone, and I had to figure it out and improve my job situation in my own. Yes, I dated and had several serious relationships. But along the way, I had to pull myself up, often crying by myself. I was lonely, but no guy wanted a woman with a young child who was having money troubles. As soon as they realized that, they were out. When I finally became successful, then, men seemed to want me. Probably because I finally wasn't such a mess. 

My point is, no one loved me and faked it with me and I still came through it and now have a pretty good job and good income. So it is untrue that a man cannot get a job and improve his life without his wife having sex with him. I am sure it helps the man to feel confident, though, and I understand your point there. But I made it without it....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> I understand what you are saying. Spouses should try their best to support each other through rough times. That includes their love lives. For me, I struggled with that due to resentment and worry.
> 
> My point is, no one loved me and faked it with me and I still came through it and now have a pretty good job and good income. So it is untrue that a man cannot get a job and improve his life without his wife having sex with him. I am sure it helps the man to feel confident, though, and I understand your point there. But I made it without it....


Hi Tennisstar,

First, I wanted to give you props for recognizing you were treating your husband badly (then fixing it), and for rebuilding your life on your own. Definitely, those are challenging tasks and therefore meaningful accomplishments.

That being said, I don't think the distinction between willfully withholding sex and resentment/worry subconsciously impacting one's drive is very meaningful. After all, both are 100% caused by the woman so it still falls squarely on her to fix it.

Plus, most guys will not meekly accept that condition. Unless there are long-standing issues and I've already checked out, I am going to make it clear that this is beyond my control and I'm working in the family's long-term best interest. I don't think I'm different from most guys in this regard.

So, even it was originally a subconscious reaction, that is a temporary condition. After I say something, it is now a known (conscious) issue. My wife's choices at that point are to change her behavior or continue on willfully providing less sex. The lack of sex (if it goes on long enough) is conscious behavior on her part. And that is why tolerance for that behavior is fairly low.

Now, regarding a lack of sex making it impossible for the guy to improve his situation... I agree this is not so. For most, there is an internal drive to be productive that will come to the front. That effort may not yield as good a result as desired, but that's a different issue.

Where you err is in saying that if you could do it alone, so can a guy who's wife is holding out. The following I say from experience: a guy with an unsupportive wife and a guy who is alone are not similarly situated. Rather, the guy who is alone is far better off (at least from an emotional perspective).

I live alone, except for when I have my child for my 50% custody share. When my child is with me, I do it all - work F/T (now that I've completed my MBA), maintain a home, go out and spend time with my child, meet her needs, etc. Even though it's a heavy load, I am far happier and more energetic than I would be if my ex were still around.

Simply said, an unsupportive spouse is not a neutral factor. He or she is a net negative, taking away (in the form of attention demanded and ill-will created) more than he or she provides.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

DTO, thanks for your explanation. It is good to see it from the male perspective. 

Unfortunately for me, I feel from many of the posts here like it was just easier when I was single. I never realized men were so difficult. Lol. I always felt sex was something that I did out of free will and the thought of sex as obligation kills any enjoyment for me. I like sex and want to have it with my husband. But if I feel I'm obligated, regardless of how I'm feeling, then I'm going to feel I'm no longer an equal partner in the relationship. 

Anyways, I won't get into a long explanation. It is how I feel.and others may not feel the same. I think this board has saddened rather than helped me and it is probably best I stay off. Thanks, though, for a respectful answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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