# Things wayward spouses do wrong.



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

My STBXW asked me many times "What can I do?". I think it would be helpful for those who've cheated to see specific mistakes wayward spouses have made. While doing everything perfect after cheating may mean you still won't get them back, it certainly ups the chances.

So maybe we can list what wayward spouses did wrong, and what they did right if you reconciled? I think it could be helpful for those who might come later. 

1. Come clean: The biggest for me was TT or trickle truth. Hearing or learning new details spread out over weeks and months was the worst possible pain. I would liken it more to torture. Come clean, please, even if it scares you. Think of the damage you're doing. It will speed recovery and healing.

2. Think of them first: Acting selfish was the next. Choose your words carefully when it comes to a betrayed spouse. They are hurting, and anything, anything anything at all that could be twisted wrong they will twist it. 

3. Own up to it: Don't make excuses. "I did it because you didn't pay attention to me." or "I have needs you didn't meet" is a one way ticket to divorceville. 

4. Answer Questions: Do not think you know best what the betrayed spouse wants. If they ask for details give it, if they ask for the whole story give it. They WILL be angry hearing it, but the alternative is to let them find it out on their own and slow the healing process. They WILL heal, with you or without you. 

5. Keep your word: If they ask for a promise, give it within reason and KEEP IT, without hesitation or delay. My stbxw had chances to keep promises and each would have gone a LONG WAY toward rebuilding trust. If there is a time for the wayward spouse to be selfish this is not it. Do what they ask to help heal. 

6. Act Remorseful: My stbxw acted sorry she got caught, but never acted remorseful. She never acted like anything mattered but herself. It was always about her, and the hell I went through didn't matter. 

7. Act Diligent: Realize the colossal mistake you made and do not wait around for it to fix itself. It will not. Work fast, work hard. Read books and learn, schedule IC and MC. Throw everything at the problem you can to stack the deck as much as you can. For an example of how NOT to do it, my stbxw didn't do much, and so the obvious impression I get is that she simply didn't care enough to try. 

8. Plead your case: My wife failed to show me the same attention she did her affair partners. Even after I found out, she was withdrawn. Had she confided in me, and opened up it would have moved us further. If she had suddenly shown me that I was #1 in her life, things might have turned out differently. I didn't feel like #1, I only felt like plan B. 

In the best words I can describe the heartache and pain of betrayal: Imagine hell. No I mean really imagine it. That's it. It's hell. Unending pain and misery until you process everything. In my case I was also processing her reactions *TO* my pain. For me, her reaction to my pain was what did it. 


My marriage could have been saved if my wife did these things. In the hope of sparing other betrayed partners the misery I went through, I'm posting this here and welcome others to post the things that their own wayward spouse did wrong, or what they did right.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Couldn't have written better myself.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes but the WS will not do any of these things unless they are truly remorseful and truly want to reconcile. These things must come from the heart otherwise they are futile.
And just for the record, my H never begged, not once and I wouldn't have wanted him too. When he had finished his A he wrote me a heart felt letter and we talked and talked for days, then I decided that I would give him another chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Yes but the WS will not do any of these things unless they are truly remorseful and truly want to reconcile. These things must come from the heart otherwise they are futile.
> And just for the record, my H never begged, not once and I wouldn't have wanted him too. When he had finished his A he wrote me a heart felt letter and we talked and talked for days, then I decided that I would give him another chance.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have liked to see the begging. By her begging I think I would have felt restored to a place of importance in her heart. Im not saying I wanted her to act like a dog. But a "please baby don't leave, I love you and im stupid and I won't risk us again" would, combined with everything else have gone a long way to healing our relationship. 

You're right all this must come from the heart. I just wanted to share my own knowledge to those who don't want to lose their betrayed spouse, but feel overwhelmed and unsure what to do.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

awake1 said:


> I would have liked to see the begging. By her begging I think I would have felt restored to a place of importance in her heart. Im not saying I wanted her to act like a dog. But a "please baby don't leave, I love you and im stupid and I won't risk us again" would, combined with everything else have gone a long way to healing our relationship.
> 
> You're right all this must come from the heart. I just wanted to share my own knowledge to those who don't want to lose their betrayed spouse, but feel overwhelmed and unsure what to do.


Maybe it's different for a man and a woman? I don't know but seeing a man beg in my mind is not what I would have wanted, but hey, we are all different and your post highlighted some important things a truly remorseful spouse needs to do in order to work towards a successful reconciliation.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Maybe it's different for a man and a woman? I don't know but seeing a man beg in my mind is not what I would have wanted, but hey, we are all different and your post highlighted some important things a truly remorseful spouse needs to do in order to work towards a successful reconciliation.
> 
> I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey it's entirely possible. It is. I wouldn't pretend to know how other people have dealt with it, because we're all different like you said. 

I was only listing things in my personal story that caused it to end in failure. 

Can you say anything they did right that might help others?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I think the main thing was he started to communicate. After being Shut down for almost a year he came to me and said ask me anything you want and I will try and answer you as honestly as possible. That was huge for me. It's been a year now and the need to ask questions has lessened considerably, but just knowing I am free to bring the A up at any time and not be afraid to tell him when I am struggling is massive.

We also have complete transparency, no passwords. I can look at his phone, email etc whenever I feel the need. He has also offered to install apps on his phone so I can read any messages we have our iPhones synced on iCloud and find my phone. It all helps to rebuild the trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

That's how it should be daisygirl, you've been through a lot and your spouse is a rare exception.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

awake1 said:


> 6. Act Remorseful: My stbxw acted sorry she got caught, but never acted remorseful.


I don't agree with this one at all.

If they have to "act" remorseful then they're still being dishonest and more importantly if they have to act than they really don't care about the spouse they hurt and there's nothing there to fix.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

stedfin said:


> I don't agree with this one at all.
> 
> If they have to "act" remorseful then they're still being dishonest and more importantly if they have to act than they really don't care about the spouse they hurt and there's nothing there to fix.



That's true. But in many cases I think people feel remorse but don't act on it, they clam up due to the stress.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

Ok, then the list should be amended to include "The wayward spouse should express the remorse that they feel unless they don't feel any remorse at all, in which case they should inform the betrayed spouse that they really don't care"


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

I haven't confronted yet and I am fearful of these behaviors. 

I don't think you can make a WS act the way you want. After all, they are in shock as well -- just of another kind. If they are selfish, they will just think of themselves: how to protect their reputation, justify their actions, and preserve the cake-eating lifestyle.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I got none of those. Well, that's not entirely true. She expressed sympathy? Regret? or something for the hurt it had caused me.

But the lack of, what? Empathy? Helped me to have a RA. It was a hell of a mess.


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## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

Very insightful. WSs that want to sweep it all under the rug, assume they know what is best to tell the BS and mitigate damage at all cost come off as lacking in remorse. Actually, it makes the BS feel like they have little to no reason to be experiencing pain. That I think hurts worse than the betrayal. The denial of the BS's pain is perhaps the worst damage in this scenario. I think that is what is unrecoverable.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You can't make your wayward be remorseful. I have a problem with the "acting" remorseful piece as you wrote. 
Your wife didn't "act" remorseful because she wasn't. Count your blessings she's not a oscar worthy actress. 
I dislike emotional explosions, i prefer calm, quit expresions from the bottom of the heart and please, honesty, authenticity, emotional transparence.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It's simple for me: Tell The Truth.

Everything else is secondary to that. Lies are what enabled the affair to happen. Lies are defending the affair - the very thing that has caused the pain and betrayal in the first place.

Lies perpetuate and prolong the pain of the BS. They are insult upon insult.

Lies help the wayward. They put their needs above those of the betrayed and, above all, the family and relationship. 

Lies are a continuance of the betrayal. They are a further breach of trust when the wayward should be doing all they can to regain that trust.

Lies are corrosive, they eat into you. They let your mind run wild. They are the land mines left int the field of whatever remains of your marriage. Each time you step on a realisation you look at your spouse and know that they could have prevented this further pain, but chose not to.

Lies are why I am divorced after nearly 23 years of marriage and lies are why I don't think I will be living with my children by summer.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

A nice list. Sadly, I didn't receive any of it, which is why we're divorcing.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

9. Don't burn your bridges. If your going to go, then go. Don't fake a reconciliation and drag it out longer. Like *T*rickle *T*ruth *( TT )* it is REALLY painful to find out after months of marriage counseling your still seeing the other person. 

10. If your going to leave, try your best to understand that the other person still might love you and have feelings for you even though they might not be showing it. Understand they are hurt and they eventually end up trying to fake being mad, because they are tired of all the pain and lies. They want to show you they can be angry too even though they are crying inside. 

So with that being said if your stuck in the same home together with your betrayed spouse until you leave. 

10a. Don't put a picture of the other person on your phone. Especially don't put a picture of the both of you hugging during one of your affair encounters. 

10b. Don't have the other person call your home while your *B*etrayed *S*pouse *(BS)* is home. Image your B.S. seeing your phone ring and the contact is *"Dennis"* and its the both of you hugging. You already had the affair and your leaving, there is absolutely no reason for you to torture your B.S. with more pain and anguish. Especially if you have children together.

10c. Don't talk or text with the *O*ther *M*an *(OM)* or *O*ther *W*oman *(OW)*
while your B.S. is home. Your going to have to be adult enough to tell this person that you need to keep this relationship with your spouse as friendly as possible. Especially if you have children together. 

10d. If the O.M or O.W. calls while your home with your spouse, don't answer it. Again establish clear boundaries and let this other person know YOU will call them after a certain time or the next day if anything when your spouse isn't home.

11. Make sure your O.M or O.W. DOES NOT put up public displays of affection on internet websites such as facebook between the both of you. Again all this is doing is rubbing it in your spouses face. Especially if the O.M. or O.W. is doing it. 

12. If and when your spouse confronts you about any of the above situations do not try to minimize them by saying *" My family doesn't know him on Facebook, so who will see it"*. The proper response is I'm very sorry, I will get it down immediately. 

13. As hard as it might be when your looking to leave do not show your spouse contempt as if you now suddenly think he or she is the biggest piece of garbage on the earth. ESPECIALLY if you have kids together. You will be dealing with this person until one of you dies and for the kids of the children you need to act as civil as possible. 

14. If your going to tell people what happen, then tell them the truth because when your spouse meets these people and he or she is confronted they are going to tell them the real truth. Again this is similar to Trickle Truth. Own up to what you did, good or bad.. People will find out what happen eventually. 

15. Again don't burn your bridges, one day you actually might see that the person you left was the love of your life, Especially if your spouse did nothing wrong to warrant the affair _( EG physical, Mental or substance abuse )_. They might have accepted the Affair, but it is now the contempt and abuse you treated them with after getting caught is what destroys and chances of you getting back together again. It is likened to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

_Hopefully one day my STBXW will read this and learn_


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## LongRoadtoRuin (Apr 3, 2013)

After my husbands gf I asked him if he would want to renew our vows....he said yeah, but really, what else could he say. That was almost 4 yrs ago and always a reason that wasn't next on his list. I must say that I'm glad we haven't because I'm not sure who's bluff I was calling. Once the vows are broken, you either renew them or they are no longer a covenant between a man and woman, just the piece of paper that it always was. Just my personal feelings.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ask and Answer. Take responsibility for how their actions were hurtful. This is in addition to taking responsibility for the actions themselves, it is taking responsibility for the emotional fallout caused by those actions.

Ask the BS how he is feeling, what specifically is hurtful, and what makes it better or worse. Then, answer those items.

For example, if the BS is hurt by the thought of his cheating wife sitting on the couch with him watching tv while texting OM, she should acknowledge to him how she understands how such a thing would be hurtful. Ask him what it was that made it hurtful, was it she lied about who she was texting or was it she was doing it with her husband in the same room?

The WS should seek to understand how she/he hurt the BS.

And then apologize for those specific things and offer up some possible ways to mitigate triggers. Should she disable text messaging on her phone? Should she turn off all notification sounds on her phone? Should she turn off her phone during some time periods?

For me the biggest issues I have (and my situation is not entirely mainstream) are related to her lack of interest in how her actions affected me. She has accepted no responsibility for the hurtfulness of her actions. her attitude is sort of "Ok I was imperfect but don't get all butt hurt about it. Let's just put it behind us".


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

My W did a lot of begging. It felt to me like manipulation. It was her other actions that helped us mend.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

michzz said:


> My wife did all this and was still screwing the guy in secret.



Some WS just swear on a few more lives of children in africa and the orphans in alaska, cry a little harder, curl up in a ball when they cry, get on their knees and much much more like a 5 year old tantrum all in order to manipulate their parents to let them keep the stray dog.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Stop lying now. Nothing will mend, nothing until the truth is known. My wife even tried the "old hand on the bible lie!" Please... Finally my wife brokedown and started to abmit where, when, and who she had been cheating with. She told me things that I would of never "found out." Hear a truth though... you will never know all, things said and done will go to the grave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

michzz said:


> My wife did all this and was still screwing the guy in secret.


Then she wasn't TRULY remorseful was she!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

michzz said:


> My wife did all this and was still screwing the guy in secret.


Pathetic.

Sorry michzz.


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## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> It's simple for me: Tell The Truth.
> 
> Everything else is secondary to that. Lies are what enabled the affair to happen. Lies are defending the affair - the very thing that has caused the pain and betrayal in the first place.
> 
> ...


I think you nailed it. The lies by denial, trickle truth, omission, etc do so much damage to trust. The primary objective for reconciliation is to re-establish trust. Yet it is impossible to do so if the BS feels that information is still being withheld.


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