# health issue driving a wedge.



## secondtime07 (Aug 14, 2015)

I had a bike accident two months ago. I went over the handle bars. I landed on my neck and head. I need to see an orthopedic doctor. For the disc in my neck. I can only be seen when my husband needs to work. So he would need to take 4 hours off. He came home told me he was having trouble finding coverage. I could tell when I told him. He didn't really want to. I needed to go during his work schedule he didn't want to take off. Normally I schedule any appointments when work is not an issue. My mom and son could not take me. He started telling me how he is upset he needs to take off etc. I told him I would cancel. I been in pain everyday and medicines are not working. Long story. I cannot drive myself. I have a huge medical issue with my arm. Everytime it is important. Our son had a brain cyst. He makes me feel like crap. I had a breast lump he took me but it the same thing. He is not there for me emotionally. I put off check ups for my kidney and breast lump and thyroid because he makes me feel like a burden. We have a son together. He knew before we were married I had a few health issues. Even though my arm range is limited I will go get my Drivers license back. I gave it up don't use it and we really cannot afford the insurance or extra car. He is in healthcare. He is trying to twist this into how he feels about taking off. I said tell your boss why you are taking off to take me. He feels his boss will be unhappy. I don't think knowing his boss he would be upset. My husband is sick of driving he drives at work all the time. He needs to go with me for grocery's because I am not allowed not lift. When we married he worked 40 hours and barely drove. Now changes happen and he works 70 hours and drives alot. I keep everything to a minimum. I feel like a trappped prisoner. I have told him alot lately this is not love when you make me feel bad about having health issue. I would never do this to him. I plan to get my license back even if we cannot afford it. I will find the money. Should I just cancel and suffer. No one else can take me. I will need to wait four weeks and be careful the disc are stable and deal with the pain. Am I wrong for feeling like this man could care less about me?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I feel he is under a lot of stress and pressure, as well as exhaustion, and he isn't handling it well. I can see how that would feel hurtful to you, and seem highly unreasonable and unsupportive, which it is. 

I don't know what the long term answers are here, but as far as your appointment, can you call a taxi? Could that work as a short-term solution to your transportation problem while you figure out a longer term solution?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Can't you just call Uber or a taxi? There are also medical transport companies that take patients to and from Dr.'s appts.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why can't your mother or your son take you? Is there no public transportation? Or something? Pay a neighbor to drive you? 

And yes, you should get your license. It is hard to be that dependent on someone. Hard on both of you.


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## secondtime07 (Aug 14, 2015)

My appointment is an hour away. A taxi would cost hundreds of dollars. The doctor is a sports team doctor and it is really hard to see him. My arm is very complicated I am the only one of three people in the us with this many nerves severed. So it makes my neck more complicated. I never gave it a thought it is stress. Sadly his child support for his older child makes it he needs to work those hours. I have my own home business and I contribute to helping him pay it. Three more years and it's done.Thank you for your help.


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## secondtime07 (Aug 14, 2015)

My mother is babysitting for my niece for work and she is 80. My son cannot get off from work. He is traveling. I have huge nerve rotation issues with my arm. My one arm don't work and my other arm knocks my back out if used to much. We also cannot afford another car and gas and insurance. Money is very tight. No public transportation. I live in rural area. Neighbors work.


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## secondtime07 (Aug 14, 2015)

After much grief he took off. He said a bunch of really hurtful things. I am seeing more and more he cannot be in love with me. He is so unemotional. I sit and tell him how he is hurting me. It Seems to make no difference. He is more worried about his career. He would rather watch tv than play with our son. I need to say can you play with our son. I am at my wits end. I have been seriously thinking of divorce. My son who is 19 keeps talking to me when we are alone. He doesn't like how he is acting. He is mad at him and he loves him. He is so cold and distant.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Given that you have exhausted all other options it really is the sort of thing that spouses should do for each other without a second thought. It really does seem like there is a bigger issue here, it must make you feel horrible that your health is not more important to him.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Uber is surprisingly cheap. Cheaper than a Taxi.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Secondtime07,

You very clearly explained your feelings and frustrations about your health situation/relationship in your post. As someone who is on the same side of the situation as your husband, I'm going to tell you my feelings and frustrations about my husbands health situation/our relationship in my post. I'm hoping that you can get as much perspective into the "other" side, as I have from your post. That's not to say that your husband feels the same as me or that mine feels the same as you, but I still think it will help.

Our situation is slightly different. He has always had his illness but it has and will continue to get progressively worse. We have younger children, 5 and 12. While he is able to drive, he is unable to work. He isn't able to do any physical activity that will increase his heart rate as he gets debilitating pain when it rises. He will end up hospitalized at the drop of a dime. Usually in the middle of the night, because that's the way life works, and will be there for days or even weeks on end. He went into kidney failure a few years ago (side effect of his illness) and is now on peritoneal dialysis over night. These are all really really ****ty things that are happening to HIM. And I care, I care more than anything or I wouldn't be here.

But it is extremely hard and I get extremely frustrated. I hate missing work for anything related to his illness, just like your husband. Whether it is a sudden hospitalization, one of his many appointments, or his monthly blood transfusion. It pisses me off when I have to take a day off or call in sick for work. And that isn't because of where I work. My co-workers and boss all completely understand and often times don't understand why I would even try to go to work. BUT... the thing I realize, that EVERYONE else doesn't, is that his illness makes me 100% responsible for my family. So it might not seem like, or be, a big deal to ANYONE else in this world if I miss work a few hours a week or a couple days a month, but every bit of that time takes money I NEED to support my family ON MY OWN. I would much rather my husband spend $50 on a taxi or have someone else take him where he needs to be than to lose money we NEED to make up for him not working.

There have been times when he has been in the hospital and I've had friends say "how do you look so calm?". Or I've sat there while my family (my parents, his parents, siblings, etc) are upset about whatever is happening at that time, while they ask me "don't you care?". Yes, I do care. But if I fall apart, who's left? No one. If I don't take care of everything and everyone, it won't get done. I don't have the luxury of "feeling out loud" like everyone else does. The kids still need to get to school, fed, watched. The house still needs to be cleaned, the laundry done and money brought in to pay for all of it. That is MY responsibility because its not possible for him. And there isn't a single person (aside from someone doing the same thing) that is going to SEE that part of it. 

The thing is a lot of the anger comes from guilt. I feel guilty as hell for the frustration I feel. I know he can't help that he is sick.  I can't help that I'm still pissed that he couldn't stay when he brought me to the ER to figure out the cause of the crazy amount of pain I was in last valentines day (2014), the only time I've been in hospital NOT having kids. He brought me in at 1 am... he needed to go home and do his dialysis. I don't have the right to be mad that I was alone and scared at the time I needed him the most because he needed to leave in order to live. I don't have the right to be mad that, when I called husband at 11:00 the next morning because the doctors told me I needed to be transferred to another hospital (by ambulance or personal vehicle), he asked me to wait an hour because his dialysis wasn't done since it was so late when he brought me there. As "the healthy one", I will never matter. I CAN'T expect him to be there in my time of need because his illness doesn't make it possible, therefore, I feel guilty for expecting it. But in reality, I am no different than anyone in the entire world that wants to matter to the person they are with. 

Last October my oldest daughter was sick. I should have known something was REALLY wrong with her when she actually stayed home from school (she won't miss school for ANYTHING). But I didn't. I let her lay on the couch all day on sunday, thought nothing when she decided to stay home from school on monday and was still on the couch when I got home from work at 5:30, and then I worked 13 hours on tuesday not coming home until 9:00 pm. I actually laughed and teased her (not meanly, in a loving way) after I got home because she literally crawled to the fridge to get some water. I went to bed at 11 because I needed to be back at work at 8 am. At 1 am my husband woke me to say he thought something was really wrong with her. I came out of the bedroom and she was on the couch screaming, or screaming as much as you can when you can't get out anything but a whisper. I practically carried her to the bathroom because she said her stomach hurt. She collapsed about 2 minutes after I put her on the toilet. I called an ambulance. They got here in about 10 minutes and loaded her up. Before they even closed the doors one of the paramedics showed me a little monitor that said 53 and explained that she was in diabetic ketoacidosis (I know the US measures blood sugar different that us... normal range in canadian measurements is 4-9). I didn't even know what that was as we have no history of diabetes in our family. By the time I finally slept a couple hours in her room in ICU (2 days after she got there), I had been up almost 72 hours (minus the 3 that I slept before my husband woke me up). My entire family visited her and the only time I cried, even though every one of them did (she came in with 2% oxygen in her body and was in really bad shape for a while), was when someone would hug me. A couple seconds, then I would pull back stone-faced. 6 days in, 2 days after she was moved onto a regular pediatric unit, I finally went home. I was completely alone (the hospital arranged dialysis for husband to stay the night with her and my parents had the youngest) and I broke down and balled all night. No one saw me and no one knows. Because I am the strong one and now TWO people rely on me to be exactly that.

 We are almost a year out of my daughters diagnoses. She is dealing with it like a champ and things are settling back to "our" normal. We still have very regular appointments with the diabetic team and I make sure to take the time off for every single one of them because my husband has no clue how to deal with it. His way of "dealing" with his own illness has been to say "nothing I can do about it". Very true, and admirable, in theory. But not realistic for maintaining a family.

What is lost in the "in sickness or in health" part of marriage is that BOTH parties are affected. There is no doubt that the sick/hurt/etc. partner feels things that we (healthy) can't imagine. But it isn't a one way street. What you feel physically, the people on the other side feel in responsibility. I completely understand that my husbands illness makes him unable to work and contribute to our family's well being. At the same time, I expect my husband (a grown man) to realize that, without him, it is solely on me to provide a life for our kids. I'm not going to take away from them to drive him around,


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

@NotEZ.. you are a very very strong woman.. my heart goes out to you... your husband, your daughter... I have always sympathized with the plight of the caretaker, after a sudden illness or disability where a married life is never the same... putting your own needs down , daily.. for the love & care of another...walking in those vows.... how many can't deal with the pressure, the burnout ...It happens OFTEN.. I've seen it a # of times, can I say .. I've had compassion on the one who couldn't handle it too... 

Just imagining walking in those shoes ....when your cup goes unfilled ..day after day...you have needs & wants [email protected]#.. you need a Break, but you have none! It has to be like walking through a desert , feeling you'll never reach the water.. then when you do, it's just a sip.... you need a shoulder to cry on...just like everyone else.. you need some encouragement.. I simply can't imagine the pressure ...

Many would break... try to numb away the loss, just trying to get through the day...when something like this hits one of you.. it affects the whole family in ways others can not comprehend... 



> *notEZ said*: The thing is a lot of the anger comes from guilt. I feel guilty as hell for the frustration I feel. I know he can't help that he is sick. I can't help that I'm still pissed that he couldn't stay when he brought me to the ER to figure out the cause of the crazy amount of pain I was in last valentines day (2014), the only time I've been in hospital NOT having kids. He brought me in at 1 am... he needed to go home and do his dialysis. I don't have the right to be mad that I was alone and scared at the time I needed him the most because he needed to leave in order to live. I don't have the right to be mad that, when I called husband at 11:00 the next morning because the doctors told me I needed to be transferred to another hospital (by ambulance or personal vehicle), he asked me to wait an hour because his dialysis wasn't done since it was so late when he brought me there. As "the healthy one", I will never matter. I CAN'T expect him to be there in my time of need because his illness doesn't make it possible, therefore, I feel guilty for expecting it. But in reality, I am no different than anyone in the entire world that wants to matter to the person they are with.


 This is heart breaking .. it always pains me to read how someone in your situation struggles with guilt.. anyone would be angry [email protected]# Why wouldn't you be.. burnout is so common..










All I can think to say is...your husband is very blessed to have you in his life.. and your daughter ...you are the most honorable of women...because you are there. May you find the outlets you need to refresh you, encourage you & strengthen you during this time.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> @NotEZ.. you are a very very strong woman.. my heart goes out to you... your husband, your daughter... I have always sympathized with the plight of the caretaker, after a sudden illness or disability where a married life is never the same... putting your own needs down , daily.. for the love & care of another...walking in those vows.... how many can't deal with the pressure, the burnout ...It happens OFTEN.. I've seen it a # of times, can I say .. I've had compassion on the one who couldn't handle it too...
> 
> Just imagining walking in those shoes ....when your cup goes unfilled ..day after day...you have needs & wants [email protected]#.. you need a Break, but you have none! It has to be like walking through a desert , feeling you'll never reach the water.. then when you do, it's just a sip.... you need a shoulder to cry on...just like everyone else.. you need some encouragement.. I simply can't imagine the pressure ...
> 
> ...


All I have to say is Thank You. Thank you for acknowledging me in any fashion. I didn't realize that I had actually posted this. I very often write a response to threads I can relate too, but I rarely ever actually post them. I literally spend HOURS, writing and re-writing what I have say because I often go off on a tangent of complaining. By the time I'm done, I usually abide by the advise given to left behind and/or BS's... and never hit send.

I read this site everyday on my phone. Tonight I'm on my computer so I saw the notification that someone responded to the post I didn't think I actually posted. But I have to say thank you for acknowledging the difficulties and not just saying thats what vows mean.

For one thing, I never took vows. After 17 of my 32 years on earth with him plus 2 kids, we are not married. But aside from that, the common statement on this site in regards to ANY marital problem is "unless they are sick, disabled, or medically unable". Which basically means that your right to vent and/or complain about life situations if your spouse is any of the above, becomes obsolete.

I feel the same feelings of frustration as anyone else in a sexless marriage. But because its not my spouses choice, I need to suck it up. I feel the same feelings of frustration as anyone else who is the bread winner for someone who sits around all day. But because it is not his choice, I need to suck it up. I feel the same frustrations as anyone else who wants to be supported in a time of need and can't be (having a baby, emergency room), but because its not his choice I need to suck it up. 

It truly feels like his being sick means I am no longer worthy of the same human feelings as anyone else. So being acknowledged in ANY WAY means the world to me. Thank you again.

And, FYI, I suffer from almost every one of the things on that list. But I hide it because thats what is expected of me.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Out of curiosity, why were you on a bike if your arm is so limited? Seems kinda risky, as it turned out.


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