# Help is marriage over after affair?



## Ismarriageover (Jan 12, 2021)

Hi my wife and I have been dealing w an affair that ended a few years ago. It was on my end. Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake with A co worker I traine. Time has passed but the trust has been broken, we ended up conceiving our only child thru the drama of the affair. I’ve been communicating w my wife no passwords on my phone but she feels like she doesn’t want to do affection anymore. Does she just need time , is it post partum or is our marriage over. I try to convey she’s beautiful and I make her breakfast lunch and dinner or clean the house so she can relax. I’m just really stuck how to fix us. Talks of divorce loom and we have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. She’s not a very open speaker so I find myself struggling communicating w her. How can we bridge gaps? or Am I suppose to walk away because this will be the new normal


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You didn’t make a mistake...you purposely made many decisions to ruin your marriage.

of course your wife doesn’t trust you and completely resents you. Go to counseling every week and DO the work to find out why you cheated - and how to never do that again.

then invite your wife to go to marriage counseling. She resents you - so you’ll need to do way more than open passwords and house cleaning to earn that trust back! It may never come back if you don’t hand her peace of mind on a silver platter.

this is what YOU created. It’s up to you to do the hard work and figure out how to set things right with your wife.

if you don’t want to do the hard work / then divorce her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ismarriageover said:


> *Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake...*


If that is what you're conveying to your wife, that she is somehow responsible for your conscious choice to cheat, it's no wonder she's resentful. Your choice to cheat (and it was a choice) is 100% on you, and you alone. The issues in the marriage are on both of you, but your choice to betray your wife and marriage vows was all yours my friend.

What your wife needs to hear from you, is that you get it. That you get that what you did was all on you; that you get that you hurt her terribly, and caused her pain that no matter how long you two are married, she will never forget; that you completely shattered her trust in you AND in herself and caused her to question everything about your relationship.

That's not the message she's getting currently.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You gave up on her once, took away her choices, and she’s dealing with the pain and aftermath, and there’s no time limit on that. 

You can’t be impatient here & think of it as ‘do I walk away if this is the new normal’ because things will not be this way all the time, this is just how she is now. 

She would have gone through the changes from your end before during and after your affair, remember there are two of you dealing with each other’s emotions and reactions, it’s not just yours that are/were valid. 

Many cheaters forget that there are two people in a marriage, and struggle with the negative emotions of the ones they betrayed. Now, do you continue to just think about your bad feelings, or do you now deal with your wife’s feelings? That’s the question you need to answer within yourself. You have walked away before, you can work away again if that’s too hard. These are the consequences of what you did, can you really face the time for the crime? 

I hope you can both find some peace in all of this.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Ismarriageover said:


> Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake with A co worker


There is NEVER an excuse for cheating barring some sort of physical abuse, at least in my book. 


That being said.. 
You said this happen a few years ago and you went to a few counseling sessions. That really does not sound like a lot of work.
I was cheated on and I went to TONS of counseling sessions. 

I think you really need to put a RENEWED effort into this.. 
It is clear or apparent that she doesn't want to have sex anymore with you so how is this going to fix your loneliness and she doesn't talk much to you now, how does this fix your being a part of something ? Basically you are worse off then the excuse why you cheated but now you want to fix it. End result you are much more deeper in that hole you started with. 

You need restart therapy.. Not all therapist are good.. You have to find the right one which means maybe going to 3 or 4 or 6 before you find the right fit for you and your wife. Some only take couples, some do not mix and match meaning they don't take couples and then do each of you individually. Though it makes sense since this person knows the both of you and then as a couple but it doesn't work that way sometimes. 

You also need to understand going to counseling sometimes brings the realization that the marriage is over for one partner. EG in this instance your wife..

You also need to understand the old marriage no longer exist. There is no I want things the way they used to be. This is now a new marriage with different realities and goals.. 

That being said there comes a time when you have to pull the plug. 

I have a friend whom had an affair, end result it was 8 years of a sexless marriage.. They were best of friends but no sex.. We had no clue.. They moved a few times over the years and it was always for a fresh start due to stresses and such. Eventually they moved out of state and she realized that wasn't going to fix the marriage. She asked for a divorce. 

Basically he hand this Scarlet letter around his neck for 8 years.. I think that was way too long. But he went to counseling.. they went to counsel over the years.. He was always open to going to counseling.. 

Me and the current wife can get into some really crazy massive fights.. I mean fights where she is asking for a divorce, wants to leave, doesn't speak to me for a week.. ETC.. 
When it gets to these points I say I don't want you leave, but I can't stop you.. But I am making it clear I don't want you to leave. What can I do to help fix this between us. Then I try my best to do what she says when she is calm enough to talk to me. 

It is clear you cannot fix this on your own as you have been trying for at least 2 years and you still if not worse position.

If she is willing to go to counseling then go with her. Eventually she will talk or scream.. 

Personally I would go full throttle for 12 months.. Counseling as much as you both can handle. Trying to be the best you can be. ETC.. Not BS I tell her she is beautiful.. But some genuine from the heart talking.. 

Curious what does your family and her family think about all of this ? What do your friends think, both yours and her friends ? There is a reason for this question.

My constant comment and request would be what do I need to do to fix this with you. 

When she says be kind, ask her what kind means to her. ask for examples..
When she says be honest, do the same.. 
Maybe her impressions of these things are different from yours.. Thus why you haven't gotten anywhere in 2 years..

Of course don't ever make any excuse why you cheated. You own it now.. You fvcked up and that is it.. I was wrong and I will do what is needed to fix this with you..

But also on the flip side it doesn't mean your the whipping boy for the next 10 years either.. 
At some point she has to come to terms with this and realize you are on her team again.. She can forgive just never forget.. 

Will there be triggers ? Hell yea.. Will she get edgy around that time of year ? Sure.. Will she see something that remind her of the Affair that makes her again edgy and snap at you, sure.. There is always going to be some sort of PTSD involved in all of this. 

But the point is you have a semi normal life going forward with some Trigger moments that get less over the years together. 

But again what do family and friends think of all of this ?


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You talk about wanting to "fix us".
But it looks like you had problems before you started your affair.
You mentioned feeling lonely and wanting to be a part of something.
What were you doing before your affair about dealing with this problem in your relationship?
It looks like you ran from it into the arms of another woman.

The question is, why were you lonely in your marriage in the first place, and what makes you think you won't be back to feeling lonely again if your wife does ever recover from your betrayal?
Is this a marriage worth saving?

Recovering from a betrayal takes years, and your wife could well have post partum depression as well to deal with. Being a new mom can also add to a lack of desire, so affection could easily be something your wife doesn't feel able to giving you.
What a dark cloud over your first child together.

And no you are not suppose to walk away because it's the new normal. 
You are suppose to deal with the consequences if you want to try to make it work, and see if you can eventually get back to normal. 
From an outside observer, this looks like you running away from problems again.
Last time you did that, they got bigger.

I'm a bit confused on the timings.
You say the affair ended a few years ago.
How much time has passed since your wife found out about the affair?
Did she catch you? Or did you confess?
How long did the affair last for?
Why has she stayed with you after finding out?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I think I need to know why you want to stay married to her before I can give you any opinion about what you should do or say. So, why do you want to be with her?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ismarriageover said:


> Hi my wife and I have been dealing w an affair that ended a few years ago. It was on my end. Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake with A co worker I traine. Time has passed but the trust has been broken, we ended up conceiving our only child thru the drama of the affair. I’ve been communicating w my wife no passwords on my phone but she feels like she doesn’t want to do affection anymore. Does she just need time , is it post partum or is our marriage over. I try to convey she’s beautiful and I make her breakfast lunch and dinner or clean the house so she can relax. I’m just really stuck how to fix us. Talks of divorce loom and we have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. She’s not a very open speaker so I find myself struggling communicating w her. How can we bridge gaps? or Am I suppose to walk away because this will be the new normal


In the end only she knows if she wants to stay and can trust you again. So a simple question to her is, do you want to stay in the marriage or not. If she says yes, then discuss how you can both work together to mend things. You say its been a few years, so I am guessing what....4 or 5 or 6? After that length of time I would say that she will know if the trust has in anyway been restored or not, if not then I doubt it will.


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## Ismarriageover (Jan 12, 2021)

Ismarriageover said:


> Hi my wife and I have been dealing w an affair that ended a few years ago. It was on my end. Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake with A co worker I traine. Time has passed but the trust has been broken, we ended up conceiving our only child thru the drama of the affair. I’ve been communicating w my wife no passwords on my phone but she feels like she doesn’t want to do affection anymore. Does she just need time , is it post partum or is our marriage over. I try to convey she’s beautiful and I make her breakfast lunch and dinner or clean the house so she can relax. I’m just really stuck how to fix us. Talks of divorce loom and we have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. She’s not a very open speaker so I find myself struggling communicating w her. How can we bridge gaps? or Am I suppose to walk away because this will be the new normal



I've read your inputs so far thank you. I think i am coming off wrong in the thread. I don't blame my wife for my affair, i always say i'm not a victim and that its my fault to her , but i try to keep a line of communication open trying to find ways to just effectively communicate on what her needs are. I also am not looking for relationship to go back to the way it was either. Our relationship prior was we didn't fight, but we didn't have much passion unless i directed/intiated. 

We have been married 4 years now. I still work in the same job, which might be an issue, but i'm also the provider so i battle that. I think more so than anything trying to find direction. We've done marriage counseling a few sessions and have been going to that, while i've done individual therapy for months now. I do value your guys feedback, good or bad. 

I feel like after reading your guys thoughts i need to find my own renewed sense of hope and just stay the course and let whatever happen happen. I think i was so persistent on building a life, creating memories to push away the negative ones that we just never got anywhere.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ismarriageover said:


> I've read your inputs so far thank you. I think i am coming off wrong in the thread. I don't blame my wife for my affair, i always say i'm not a victim and that its my fault to her , but i try to keep a line of communication open trying to find ways to just effectively communicate on what her needs are. I also am not looking for relationship to go back to the way it was either. Our relationship prior was we didn't fight, but we didn't have much passion unless i directed/intiated.
> 
> We have been married 4 years now. I still work in the same job, which might be an issue, but i'm also the provider so i battle that. I think more so than anything trying to find direction. We've done marriage counseling a few sessions and have been going to that, while i've done individual therapy for months now. I do value your guys feedback, good or bad.
> 
> I feel like after reading your guys thoughts i need to find my own renewed sense of hope and just stay the course and let whatever happen happen. I think i was so persistent on building a life, creating memories to push away the negative ones that we just never got anywhere.


So are you still working with the OW? In your wifes place I would have asked that you leave as the first thing you did. So when was the affair and how long did it last?
Has she actually said she wants to stay and make it work?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

If you are working with the OW the affair continues in your W mind.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ismarriageover said:


> Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake with A co worker I traine.


You cheated with a coworker you trained? Was this coworker someone below you in hierarchy of the organization? I'm amazed you still have a job! 



Ismarriageover said:


> We have been married 4 years now. I still work in the same job, which might be an issue, but i'm also the provider so i battle that.


Without knowing what you do, yeah, I can see why she is still probably dealing with this. Do you regularly train new people? I also notice you didn't say whether or not you work with the coworker you had the affair with. 

Have you ever heard of red flags? 
For example, are you still working this lady? 
Is training coworkers a regular thing for your job? If that's the case, I can see another issue. What's to stop this from happening say, 5, 10, 15 years down the line? 
You also haven't left the job. I understand that is probably difficult to accomplish right now.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing people in your situation fail to consider and its consistent on this forum. Folks have affairs for a reason. The reason may be something within them or some dissatisfaction with the relationship. They have an affair. The affair becomes known. They reconcile with their spouse but the reason for the affair usually persist; for a large part because the reason is willfully ignored or all the focus is in "getting back together to save the marriage". The reason looms over the marriage.
Chances are you and your wife lost interest in the relationship before the affair. Its likely not the affair, per se, causing your marital problems. Its because your wife now has confirmation and an excuse to feel the way she does. Your marriage, Dawg, was shot in the azz before the affair. The affair made your wife accept the diagnosis. Prepare for your new life as an bachelor.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ismarriageover said:


> Hi my wife and I have been dealing w an affair that ended a few years ago. It was on my end. Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake with A co worker I traine. Time has passed but the trust has been broken, we ended up conceiving our only child thru the drama of the affair. I’ve been communicating w my wife no passwords on my phone but she feels like she doesn’t want to do affection anymore. Does she just need time , is it post partum or is our marriage over. I try to convey she’s beautiful and I make her breakfast lunch and dinner or clean the house so she can relax. I’m just really stuck how to fix us. Talks of divorce loom and we have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. She’s not a very open speaker so I find myself struggling communicating w her. How can we bridge gaps? or Am I suppose to walk away because this will be the new normal


1. Loneliness and yearning are excuses. Many of us are in lonely marriages but we do not go out and cheat.
2. Training a co-worker, you were setting yourself up for crossing boundaries and you chose to go ahead and cross the line, it did not just happen. You chose your own selfish satisfaction rather than your wife and marriage. How could she trust you when you did not put her or the marriage first
3. Sad for your child, not the best way to be born into a marriage and if she had come here we would have advised her NOT to get pregnant till your marriage was sorted
4. You did not make a mistake, a mistake is buying the wrong milk, putting colored's in the white wash etc. This was a choice, and you chose yourself.
5. Why would she believe she is beautiful, your words could be lies, you proved yourself a liar with having an affair, why would she believe what you say? it takes more than words and a few breakfasts.
6. What have you done about your ****ty character that enabled you to have affair in what seems like a young marriage. What about your character thought you were 'entitled' to put a bomb in your marriage and still be able to continue with your wife, the woman you have destroyed. The idea you would not get caught.
7. How did your wife find out, did you come clean, or did you get caught?
8. Who wants the divorce? She is right, the old marriage is dead.
9. Time may heal her broken heart or it may not.
10. What are you doing to fix what you broke? Flowers, breakfasts, etc. are something you should be doing anyhow, nothing special there.
11. Did you have an affair while she was pregnant with YOUR kid, if you did that is the worst thing you can do to someone you say you love. A pregnant woman needs to be loved, cherished and cared for and know that her husband has her back. If you did this then it says alot about who you are and she is better off divorcing you and moving onto a man who has integrity and and an upright character.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What exactly have you found out about YOURSELF through counseling?
What have you tried that the counselor suggested?
What haven’t you tried doing that the counselor suggested?
How often do you go? Alone or with your wife?

Generally, you will get out of counseling exactly what effort you put into it! If you aren’t willing to do anything and everything to repair the damage you caused - it won’t work. How willing are you to change?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Do you and OW still work for the same company?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

To answer your question, yes your marriage is over. you killed it. However, going forward you would have to build a new marriage. Can you salvage your marriage? Yes, saving it is not up to you, it is up to your betrayed wife. How does she feel and what is her idea moving forward? Is she willing to try reconciliation? Does she feel she can rebuild trust? I granted my FWW the gift of reconciliation. December 24th was five years of R. So, it can be done. But it is not easy by any means. You sir, are going to have to do the heaving lifting it takes to right this wrong as much as possible. 

First, you must refrain from contact with OW. That means finding other employment if you still work together. Secondly, get into IC and find out why you did what you did. There is something broken in you and it needs to be fixed. MC, a must, but I caution you there are many poor MC’s out there. Be very careful or there can be more damage done to your relationship.

The odds are not in your favor, I will be honest. IMHO there is about a 10% chance you can make it. I assume you cheated while she was pregnant which only adds insult to injury.

From your posts, I do not feel you truly understand the level of devastation you heaped on your wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ismarriageover said:


> Hi my wife and I have been dealing w an affair that ended a few years ago. It was on my end. Loneliness and yearning to be apart of something made me make this mistake with A co worker I traine. Time has passed but the trust has been broken, we ended up conceiving our only child thru the drama of the affair. I’ve been communicating w my wife no passwords on my phone but she feels like she doesn’t want to do affection anymore. Does she just need time , is it post partum or is our marriage over. I try to convey she’s beautiful and I make her breakfast lunch and dinner or clean the house so she can relax. I’m just really stuck how to fix us. Talks of divorce loom and we have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. She’s not a very open speaker so I find myself struggling communicating w her. How can we bridge gaps? or Am I suppose to walk away because this will be the new normal


You already walked away from your marriage?

You need counselling to help you be a better person, marriage counselling would also be a good idea, plus counselling for your wife to help her get through the traumatic hell you have thrown her into, including you getting her pregnant amongst all this "drama" you inflicted on her.


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