# New Here, Confused, Need Advice



## SkyMitch (Mar 19, 2013)

Hello all! I am new to this site. I am distraught. I have been common law with my partner for 11 years, we have a 9 year old boy together. I have known for some time that he flirts, and it has been pointed out by family and freinds. He is a very freindly person and says he doesnt mean to flirt. I find it hurtful to know this and hear these things. He also goes out and then does not come home or even call. I am pretty lenient and don't mind if he goes out with his guy freinds, but I expect a call, especially if he is going to be late or not come home. So on Saturday he went out to watch a fight at a freinds at 8pm...I did not hear from him again until 2pm Sunday afternoon. Then he doesnt seem to realize why I am so angry. I feel like I cant take any more. It is affecting my ability to be happy. We dont really go out anywhere together anymore. On Sunday a freind request shows up on fb from some girl. It appears she was there on Saturday. He says the fight didnt start until 12 and then they jammed (played guitar and sang) and didnt go to sleep until 6am. So he sat up until 6am am with his buddy and some girl...maybe 2 girls because another girl posted on the video good times...so maybe she was there too. and thats ok? to me it appears he wants the single life and no responsibilities, he says he loves me and would never jeapordize us, but repeatedly doing things like this has done just that. I am so hurt and mad that I can't talk coherently to him right now...so I am just not talking to him. I dont know what to do


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

SkyMitch said:


> Hello all! I am new to this site. I am distraught. I have been common law with my partner for 11 years, we have a 9 year old boy together. I have known for some time that he flirts, and it has been pointed out by family and freinds. He is a very freindly person and says he doesnt mean to flirt. I find it hurtful to know this and hear these things. He also goes out and then does not come home or even call. I am pretty lenient and don't mind if he goes out with his guy freinds, but I expect a call, especially if he is going to be late or not come home. So on Saturday he went out to watch a fight at a freinds at 8pm...I did not hear from him again until 2pm Sunday afternoon. Then he doesnt seem to realize why I am so angry. I feel like I cant take any more. It is affecting my ability to be happy. We dont really go out anywhere together anymore. On Sunday a freind request shows up on fb from some girl. It appears she was there on Saturday. He says the fight didnt start until 12 and then they jammed (played guitar and sang) and didnt go to sleep until 6am. So he sat up until 6am am with his buddy and some girl...maybe 2 girls because another girl posted on the video good times...so maybe she was there too. and thats ok? to me it appears he wants the single life and no responsibilities, he says he loves me and would never jeapordize us, but repeatedly doing things like this has done just that. I am so hurt and mad that I can't talk coherently to him right now...so I am just not talking to him. I dont know what to do


Does he not realize that he is, in fact, jeopardizing your relationship? You have to be ready to end it to save it. You have to let him know just what you expect of him and be willing to end it if he does not comply with your requests. 

Why do you think you are allowing him to behave this way?


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## SkyMitch (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you for your reply. I love him. I feel like I need affirmation that what he is doing is wrong. I try to make everyone happy, all the time at my own expense. I am afraid of our son's reaction and having more difficulties with him. And I cannot afford to stay where I am now. And have a lot of other things going on and having difficulty making decisions. Excuses excuses excuses.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I try to make everyone happy, all the time at my own expense


That has got to change; it is a sign of being too needy!

Make a plan. *The plan should concentrate on only you and your child.* You need to become more self sufficient then you can decide if you want to make a good life with your man. Do not depend on others to completely fullfill your life


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## SkyMitch (Mar 19, 2013)

That has got to change; it is a sign of being too needy!

Make a plan. The plan should concentrate on only you and your child. You need to become more self sufficient then you can decide if you want to make a good life with your man. Do not depend on others to completely fullfill your life 

I don't think I've ever been called needy. I don't think I am needy. I don't need anyone to help me out, I don't need them to hold my hand or come with me. I get things done. I don't think it is unreasonable to be angry when someone says I'll be back in a bit and doesnt come home until 2 the next afternoon. 
I do agree it needs to change, and i have been changing it a bit at a time and saying no when people ask me to do things. Or doing things at my pace and my time. 
I do need a plan.
So what I need to figure out is...do we move 
or can I figure out a way for h actions to not hurt me and still live together. I wanted to make a good life with my man and Ive been trying to do that for years now. But it has to be a two way street. He cant go out to parties and bars and just not come home or call. Even if in some people's worlds that is acceptable behavior , i have told him in mine it is not and told him that his actions are hurting me. I am not clingy or needy...if he wants to go out with his buddies thats fine, even if they drink too much and he has to stay over thats fine....but to just dissappear and not call is not fine, or to cal and say Im on my way and I dont see him for another 12 hours..not fine. To not come with my son and I on outings..not fine. To go out every weekend, not fine. Also to do something that I tell him hurts me, say sorry, he is wrong and then turn around and do it again...not fine. It is one thing to say you love someone but if you don't show it what good are the words?
I don't usually yell and got in another yelling match tonight. He says he did nothing wrong, that he did call (at 2 in the afternoon the next day?!?!?) and then he layed major guilt trips on me...fine I wont go see my freinds any more...if it is going to start world war three....Ill just stay home all the time....i wont join a band again....
I told him I cannot control what he does, and I dont want to. And I am trying not to let him make me feel guilty, cuz gosh darn now he can't have any more fun. I feel like we are living two different lives, him single ..and me the harried single mom.
So I told him tonight that he doesnt seem to want or like the family life...its his choice..either start acting like a family man or get out. I have nooooo problem being on my own. I can control my choices and my actions, but I can not chose his.
Sorry ranting, been a rough night. I dont usually yell ever and found myself yelling my head off tonight.


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## SkyMitch (Mar 19, 2013)

Okay was just reading another post and someone answering the post was describing herself as a "fixer" and needing to be needed. Now I have to think about this. I like to help people, and when they ask I usually do what they want if I can. (usually my adult daughters and mother) Do I need to feel needed or do I feel I need to help them out of obligation or because i love them. Still think that is different from being needy.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *either start acting like a family man or get out*


Well I guess I as wrong you are not needy. Why would you try to make everyone happy at your expense? That is what made me think that you are needy.

From what you wrote your man is very inconsiderate. The plan I referred to was for you to get yourself self sufficient in emotions and finances. That way if he never improves or gets worse you can make it without him. If he makes the changes that keeps you two together you will be stronger and able to help both of you more. It is a win-win!

Making people accountable with consequences is probably called upon in every relationship. Most people take advantage of someone in a relationship at some time. His lifestyle is one that is very prone to all kinds of things that destroy relationships.

What he does is maybe ok for a teenager or a single man with no children but sooner or later that lifestyle will cause you and him some big trouble.


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## Car111 (Mar 20, 2013)

What your partner is doing is not acceptable behavior. He should not be going out all night without calling you. He should at least call you out of respect for you. It must be hard for you to not know what time he is coming home at. He should either come home at a decent hour or else you should be out enjoying the evening with him if that is possible.


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## SkyMitch (Mar 19, 2013)

Car111. Yes it is hard not knowing when he will be home. It is hard when our son wakes up and asks where's Daddy? I have told him that we need to do things as a couple, and I would like it if he initiated outings together or with our son. But he hasnt and even if I ask, will you come to .... with us he doesnt come or ask him to go to a movie with me and he will come up with some excuse. It is making me feel very unwanted. He says he loves us and I believe him, and I love him too (which is why this is so hard and hurts so much).
A while ago some girl sent him a message on fb and said she was pretty, looking for a freind, and did he want to see pictures, so he sent her his email address and she sent him pics, then started emailing him wanting to start up an online relationship. To his credit he deleted the messages but maybe only because he knows I have his passwords and he has told me (not in an angry moment) that I am free to go into his accounts. (i do some of his emails for work for him)...then I found her name written down in his phone book. This was only a few months ago...and though he again appologized the hurt he caused me is still there. Luckily she was in another country far away. 
I just dont understant what to do or how to make it better. I would rather fix the relationship than give up on it. But I am not feeling any effort on his side and think his actions are unacceptable. )-:
Last night when I told him to chose if he was going to be a family man or get out he turned his back and said he was going for a smoke. 
So everything is still up in the air.


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## Car111 (Mar 20, 2013)

I always tell my husband if he is not home by 3:00 I am calling the cops. I am jokingly serious. I fall asleep then wake up with my heart pounding, like why is he not home yet??! Then cannot fall back asleep. I do not feel like a partner should be out without the other partner all night long, so you are validated in how you feel about this!! Do not let him trick you into thinking how you feel is wrong. You have the right to be treated with respect. As for the facebook pictures of that other woman, it would be extremely hard to trust him after that move.


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## SkyMitch (Mar 19, 2013)

Yes, even though he deleted the messages and the pics, he had her name written down. So it did become much harder to trust.
And some girl posted a video from the other night, it appears dark in the room, there are only 3 ppl in the video, his buddy, her sitting beside h and h. Before I told him I had seen this video or that it was online I asked who was there and he named off about 10 ppl and some girl he couldnt remember her name, he says she hooked up with his buddy. Pretty funny that he couldnt remember her name, but she is posting a video with him tagged and sent him a freind request. Now i dont know about you but when I go to a party (which I havent done in a long time) and am introduced to some guy, they would usually say this is Dave or John or Steve. They had no freinds in common on fb so how did she know his full name to look him up?
Basically though I am tired of having to question and guess and doubt and be angry and hurt. I am driving myself crazy. And the only way out I can see right now...is completely out...if he cant see and accept that he isnt right ...then either I stay and put up with it...or get out.


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## Car111 (Mar 20, 2013)

I think you are right, it does not seem like he is about to change anytime soon.


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## SkyMitch (Mar 19, 2013)

Car111 said:


> I think you are right, it does not seem like he is about to change anytime soon.


I think I am right too. But I can feel myself caving again. I know inside there somewhere is a good man . I am going to let him know in plain English what I want, what I expect , and what I find unacceptable. I am going to tell him that if that happens again we are done. I haven't said that before and if I say it I will mean it. In the meantime i am doing activities with our ds and if h wants to join us to show he wants to be part of the family great. If not and still continues on his merry way doing his own thing... Chow baby. I was on my own with my two girls before him ... So no problem. I have enough interests that i can be happy on my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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