# 4 years after affair



## Emily1111 (Sep 11, 2013)

My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 2. For the first several years of our relationship my husband was very unsure if he I was 'the one' and he went back and forth on his decision to marry me many times. This alone took a huge emotional toll on me, but after 3 years together he also had an affair. 

After I found out, he chose to break it off with her and stay with me and he spent 1 year in therapy. But he remained unsure about actually committing to me. It reached the point where we were living in separate parts of our house and had stopped being intimate at all. I finally told him I thought we should break up at the end of the year if he couldn't make a decision. He went out on Chirstmas Eve, bought a ring and proposed the next day. He seemed genuine about his decision and wanting to marry me, and I thought my feelings would return to where they had been with the security of his commitment and love. 

Now that it's 4 years later, his commitment and love for me doesn't seem to have wavered, but I haven't been able to feel in love with him again. Ever since the affair i've been somewhat repulsed by him, and especially don't enjoy kissing him on the lips. I almost never feel like being intimate with him and my impulse is always to pull away or turn my head when he tries to kiss me. I thought I would have recovered more by now, but it feels like my psychological relationship towards intimacy with him is just permanently altered. I also feel like I just have so much built up resentment about the first years of our relationship, and don't fully trust that he does love me and his feelings won't change again. Has anyone had a similar experience or found a way to get over this?


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## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

I am going thru the same thing. My husband's affair just took place. I feel like I will never be able to love him again. Every time we are intimate I think "is this what you did with her..ect". I hate touching him, and every time he says "I love you", I think yea right. I worry that I will be 5 years out and still feel the same. I go back and forth daily wondering if I should just walk away.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

same for me.....i go back and forth....is insane...and I do also worry that i might feel the same in years down the road....this just plain sucks.
i do kiss my wife and all that, it doesnt feel repulsive but I do feel like something is missing that I lack for her since the affair....i dont know exactly what it is, but it just doesnt feel the same...is it a sign that things are dead? who knows.....


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

As I see it, you are suffering from the post affair effects of rug sweeping the A, for not giving him consequences and for so readily allowing yourself to be his plan B. I think the regret and resentment from this has put you in an emotional limbo. 

So your options; you could talk to him, get into MC and see if you can work through it; or divorce him and move on with your life.

Sorry you're here.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Im the same way. Especially when stuff seems to start over whelming my spouse. Every time i sense that is going on i start to wonder well that is why you ran off in the first time will or how long will it take for it to possibly happen again. I just at times feel so blaaa and lacking enthusiasm any more and pretty insecure at times, especially when stuff with are child get over whelming like before. Lots of doubt sometimes


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## chachaN (Sep 11, 2013)

ody360 said:


> Im the same way. Especially when stuff seems to start over whelming my spouse. Every time i sense that is going on i start to wonder well that is why you ran off in the first time will or how long will it take for it to possibly happen again. I just at times feel so blaaa and lacking enthusiasm any more and pretty insecure at times, especially when stuff with are child get over whelming like before. Lots of doubt sometimes


I'm like this all the time. When husband starts getting stressed out I push myself away from him just waiting for him to walk out the door. It's so hard emotionally. I wonder what is keeping me here


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Emily1111 said:


> My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 2. For the first several years of our relationship my husband was very unsure if he I was 'the one' and he went back and forth on his decision to marry me many times. This alone took a huge emotional toll on me, but after 3 years together he also had an affair.
> 
> After I found out, he chose to break it off with her and stay with me and he spent 1 year in therapy. But he remained unsure about actually committing to me. It reached the point where we were living in separate parts of our house and had stopped being intimate at all. I finally told him I thought we should break up at the end of the year if he couldn't make a decision. He went out on Chirstmas Eve, bought a ring and proposed the next day. He seemed genuine about his decision and wanting to marry me, and I thought my feelings would return to where they had been with the security of his commitment and love.
> 
> Now that it's 4 years later, his commitment and love for me doesn't seem to have wavered, but I haven't been able to feel in love with him again. Ever since the affair i've been somewhat repulsed by him, and especially don't enjoy kissing him on the lips. I almost never feel like being intimate with him and my impulse is always to pull away or turn my head when he tries to kiss me. I thought I would have recovered more by now, but it feels like my psychological relationship towards intimacy with him is just permanently altered. I also feel like I just have so much built up resentment about the first years of our relationship, and don't fully trust that he does love me and his feelings won't change again. Has anyone had a similar experience or found a way to get over this?


Yes, I also suffered an attachment injury. We can absorb the little issues if you have some reserve in the love bank. Attachment injuries, by definition, do not heal without attention from both partners.

I think emotionally focused therapy (EFT) has a good chance to heal the injury. 

http://www.public.iastate.edu/~ccutrona/psych592a/articles/Resolving attachment injuries.pdf


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes. Also 4 years out and have faced this. How I worked it out was dropping and trying to manipulate outcomes. Sort of like I want ‘this’ to be the outcome, but now I put it in a box and shove it into the ‘wouldn’t that be nice’ storage unit. Then I just deal with how it is. Should a preferred outcome be fulfilled, it’s like getting to open a present... just icing.

Second part was ‘expectations’. I have very certain ideas of what marriage is and should be. Along with that, expectations of what a good husband and a good wife are. Due to my wife’s affairs, it just couldn’t meet those expectations... ever. I can’t look at her and say “my faithful devoted wife”. So, I gave up trying to shove whatever our relationship is into a nice clean box that represents “marriage”.

The result is basically that I pay attention to what our relationship is like. I sort of treat it like we are dating to see if maybe I might want to spend the rest of my life with her. I look for and enjoy what it does have to offer and pay attention to myself so I remember the good things I like about this relationship and what it means to me emotionally. 

That is a much different perception than sitting around just looking at why it won’t fit into a nice neat marriage box and where all those expectations that go along with the titles aren’t being met. I don’t try to direct it one way or the other and just *let it be whatever it’s going to be*. 

I got it back down to basics; *Do I like having her around?* Yes, a lot actually. Do I need her? Nope.. I’ll be fine without her and do not rely on her to ‘complete me’. She is just icing on my life but not defining my life for me anymore. It’s just better with her than without her: Until such time that she brings me pain and distress again at which point I can change my mind about whether or not she’s rotting my cake rather than enhancing it. 

So, the way I act and think falls in line with how I think I should be when I’m with someone I really like being with. Yet I also accept there is a glass ceiling for how close I will allow myself to get; *I maintain a strong sense of self*. (sort of my security blanket 'just in case')

As part of that sense of self, my emotional state is not dependant on hers. Sort of like ‘not caring’, but it isn’t exactly that. It’s more like I believe she is free to think about me however she wants. I will correct wrong impressions and clear up miscommuncation, but I don’t let it bother me. I don’t look to the reflection in her eyes to set my self-worth or how I should feel. *I look in the mirror *instead and judge myself.... where I question it, I from time to time reach out to a variety of folks, like here, to use like a sounding board to make sure I haven’t gone too far down the rabbit hole. 

*Look for the best things in life and work on yourself. *

Make sense?


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## Emily1111 (Sep 11, 2013)

Thank you for all the responses. The strange thing is, i'm actually content with how our relationship is right now. I still feel like something's missing and it's disappointing, but I don't feel like it's worth leaving him and starting over again. Talking about the affair never helps anymore, it's just like opening an old wound. We've worked through most of our other issues and get along better than we ever have. However it bothers me that this isn't how a marriage 'should' be and i'm worried that it won't survive without enough physical intimacy or passion. It also worries me that my husband might leave me if things continue like this. I also went to a horrible therapist recommended by my family doctor anxiety (which has gotten worse since we got married) and he told me after the first session that if I didn't have more sex with my husband he would probably cheat on me again. My husband and I were both appalled by this, but I can't help worrying about it after a 'professional' told me so.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Racer said:


> Yes. Also 4 years out and have faced this. How I worked it out was dropping and trying to manipulate outcomes. Sort of like I want ‘this’ to be the outcome, but now I put it in a box and shove it into the ‘wouldn’t that be nice’ storage unit. Then I just deal with how it is. Should a preferred outcome be fulfilled, it’s like getting to open a present... just icing.
> 
> Second part was ‘expectations’. I have very certain ideas of what marriage is and should be. Along with that, expectations of what a good husband and a good wife are. Due to my wife’s affairs, it just couldn’t meet those expectations... ever. I can’t look at her and say “my faithful devoted wife”. So, I gave up trying to shove whatever our relationship is into a nice clean box that represents “marriage”.
> 
> ...


Well said Racer. You and I are on the same page.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Emily1111 said:


> Talking about the affair never helps anymore, it's just like opening an old wound.


Emily,

When you get to that point, it's probably too late for counseling to do any good. That's where I am as well. Like Racer said, you have to become philosophical about your situation and put things in perspective - if you want to carry on.

Each of us in that boat, has their own way of coping. One can hope passion can improve in time. But if you're like me, passion is difficult if not impossible to manufacture now.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am sure the hurt is always going to be in the background at some level. Yes I wondered was the sex better with the POS did they do things that we do not do and so forth.

I demanded all the detail and I did it in MC it was rough on both of us for some time. Now I take the approach she is never going to have anyone better then me. It may be a guy thing so we are doing it more ofter and in ways we never had before.


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## Emily1111 (Sep 11, 2013)

mahike said:


> I am sure the hurt is always going to be in the background at some level. Yes I wondered was the sex better with the POS did they do things that we do not do and so forth.
> 
> I demanded all the detail and I did it in MC it was rough on both of us for some time. Now I take the approach she is never going to have anyone better then me. It may be a guy thing so we are doing it more ofter and in ways we never had before.


Yes, I requested some details as well, but I think that did the most damage to me in the long term. Learning things like how he gave her oral sex and then came home and kissed me was sickening. I feel like those things just create a mental block. I'm not so sure if it's the emotional hurt that's affecting me still, I just can't seem to get over that physical aversion to intimacy with him. I can't seem to find anything about recovery that discussing those problems.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Emily1111 said:


> Thank you for all the responses. The strange thing is, i'm actually content with how our relationship is right now. I still feel like something's missing and it's disappointing, but I don't feel like it's worth leaving him and starting over again. (...)


Something else you might look at. Year 4:.... it starts ‘feeling’ like a marriage again where the issues are somewhat minor like what time to put the kids to bed on a school night and the marriage isn’t something ‘bad’.

I somewhat think that as a BS you get ‘addicted’ to thinking about this stuff all the time. Idle mind that goes to ‘the familiar’ to fill the downtime. Try to focus that mental energy elsewhere. Hobbies for instance. Year 3 is about when I started doing that and working on that stuff I wrote above.

And a new internal battle ensues. When should you allow yourself to get close enough, care enough, and love enough that you can get hurt again? For me, I’m not quite ready to open myself up for that kind of pain yet. So, I’m somewhat taking a page out of the wayward book; Demonizing.

Basically, you feed yourself excuses to stay distant and not get sucked back in. So you haul up those past memories to keep you on guard. There is fear, and it is somewhat warranted. Just forgive yourself for doing this and don’t take it out on your spouse if their current actions don’t warrant it. It’s your head’s way of telling you that you aren’t yet ready to let yourself go in to those deep waters again. Trepidation; totally normal. You got severely burned, so it isn’t easy to willingly start playing with fire again. The D crowd doesn’t have to face this. Those of us in R do. 

What helps me a lot is witnessing and noticing all the changes my wayward has done to herself. That helps distance herself from her old self and really different dynamics and coping skills... so it’s not quite the same fire that burned me so bad. But it is similar. So, I suck it up, and try to work past that fear; Little steps, always little steps.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Emily1111 said:


> Yes, I requested some details as well, but I think that did the most damage to me in the long term.* Learning things like how he gave her oral sex and then came home and kissed me was sickening.* I feel like those things just create a mental block. I'm not so sure if it's the emotional hurt that's affecting me still, I just can't seem to get over that physical aversion to intimacy with him. I can't seem to find anything about recovery that discussing those problems.


Yeah that would do it for me (I'm a guy though, so change genders). I got "sloppy seconds" albeit a day later, and that still shicks my core. The mind movies still run, and I discovered their PA in February; it happened in jan 2011. So there's no timeline. 

It's good to not obsess, but it can be an obsession to not obsess.... And it goes round and round.... Hobbies, outside interests, things for YOU are the things you need to be doing. 

Best of luck. God Bless.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Emily1111 said:


> Thank you for all the responses. The strange thing is, i'm actually content with how our relationship is right now. I still feel like something's missing and it's disappointing, but I don't feel like it's worth leaving him and starting over again. Talking about the affair never helps anymore, it's just like opening an old wound. We've worked through most of our other issues and get along better than we ever have. However it bothers me that this isn't how a marriage 'should' be and i'm worried that it won't survive without enough physical intimacy or passion. It also worries me that my husband might leave me if things continue like this. I also went to a horrible therapist recommended by my family doctor anxiety (which has gotten worse since we got married) and he told me after the first session that if I didn't have more sex with my husband he would probably cheat on me again. My husband and I were both appalled by this, but I can't help worrying about it after a 'professional' told me so.


I feel for you. I can say that I thought I was in the same state that you were. Not much intimacy, and not lots of sex. Ohter than that I thought the relationship was fine. She was the one not interested in the sex and intimacy, yet she said that I didn't understand her and started her affairs, so I can see your concern. It is the complacency that seems to cause of the greatest issues.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Emily1111 said:


> After I found out, he chose to break it off with her and stay with me and he spent 1 year in therapy. But he remained unsure about actually committing to me. It reached the point where we were living in separate parts of our house and had stopped being intimate at all. I finally told him I thought we should break up at the end of the year if he couldn't make a decision.


This is the issue you'll need to address if you want to stay married. This is probably the main cause of your issue and it is understandable. In a year of counseling, he still couldn't commit until you made a threat. Now, you are wondering if it was made under duress.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I can relate because I continue to ride that roller coaster of "fear". 

Fear that I don't even know if I "rug swept"- I don't think I did and we went to a year and half of counseling but are there aspects of the situation that I sugar coated? 

Fear that he will stray again or that he also stayed because it was the easier choice? 

Fear that I will never love him naively and comfortably or feel secure in our commitment. 

I have never heard of attachment injury but damn that sounds like what many of us are dealing with? 


I think Racer summed it up best but curses that i still get hit with sadness when I see relationships that are untouched by infidelity. 

That's not my marriage and boy how I wish I could fully and completely believe with every inch of my being when he tells me he loves me. I want to just sink and give in to that bliss but it feels laced with razors.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling, anyone? Would that help?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

A bad counselor can be worse than no counseling at all. But I really believe that it's a rare marriage that will do well after infidelity if there's no marriage counseling.

I bought a few books after I was clobbered by finding out about my husband's affair. There are two I'd recommend:

1 - How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J MacDonald. It's concise and very easy to read. It's for the unfaithful but I think you'd find it helpful too. It's to help the wayward spouse who doesn't "get it" - who doesn't understand the profound changes that take place inside our hearts and minds. And it helps them to help US. In addition to counseling (which I think could make a difference), you still need HIS help to heal, and he doesn't know how, and you don't know what to tell him to say or do to help you. This is a good how-to manual.

2 - NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass. More in depth, it explains the trauma and grief that you have experienced, as well as some of the many reasons some people are more vulnerable to affairs. 

You've been traumatized, AND you are grieving, AND you also don't trust him because of the ultimatum. No wonder you don't feel close to him! These are exactly the kinds of issues that a good marriage therapist can help you with.

I found ours through the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists (he's very good). Not all therapists are marriage friendly - some could care less if you divorce or not - so if you want to really work on your marriage, I recommend going to their website to find a good MC. And read the bios, to make sure the one you select has experience with infidelity.

Take care, and good luck.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Counselling, anyone? Would that help?


I second this. You need to find a good counselor experienced in infidelity related trauma.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Perhaps you're just angry with him for not wanting you or the marriage the way you seemed to want him. He hemmed and hawed and had an affair. He put himself in the position of being the desired one who was trying to decide whether he would deign to choose you. And then he betrayed you. All of this shows that he wasn't at the time treating you with the respect that you had every reason to expect.

This makes it very difficult to be open and vulnerable and loving now, even years later when he has changed his behavior. You trusted him once, not just to be faithful, but to deal with you with respect, and he broke your heart.

So, now you guard your heart. 

Usually for me, the necessary cure is compassion, both for myself and for the people I'm trying to love. Perhaps if you try to actively see him as the flawed man that he is, but one who has stayed and is committed, your compassion will grow and you can feel some more emotion and affection as a result.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

> Now that it's 4 years later, his commitment and love for me doesn't seem to have wavered, but I haven't been able to feel in love with him again.


I would say it is very hard to get that feeling back. I am wondering why all his love and commitment isn't working. Is he making you feel that you are back in a safe space and that you now have nothing to fear? 


> Ever since the affair i've been somewhat repulsed by him, and especially don't enjoy kissing him on the lips. I almost never feel like being intimate with him and my impulse is always to pull away or turn my head when he tries to kiss me.


This may simply reflect what is going on in your head. As the saying goes, we make love with our minds, not our bodies.



> I thought I would have recovered more by now, but it feels like my psychological relationship towards intimacy with him is just permanently altered. I also feel like I just have so much built up resentment about the first years of our relationship, and don't fully trust that he does love me and his feelings won't change again.


Those early years to deal with as well as the betrayal? sheesh! I think we humans have a profound and primal reaction to betrayal - look at TAM! At the moment about 600 on this infidelity section and only 10-20 on each of the others. It hurts like hell issed: The symptoms are similar to symptoms of PTSD and psychologists agree. Perhaps IC could help you?
You sound as if you don't feel 'safe' and I know I can't be intimate with someone I don't feel safe with. 


> Has anyone had a similar experience or found a way to get over this?


4 years too - though a different story. I have concluded that I wasn't married to the man I _thought_ I was - and I wouldn't have married one of those in a million years :redcard:The question is not can you fall in love with him _again_ but can you fall in love with this 'different' man? 

Life is short, 4 years have gone by and you sound miserable - just like me! I don't want to offend those who can't leave or are doing R but I do wonder how many years we should spend on all this especially with someone who thought so little of us? Can you picture yourself feeling safe and with no fear wrapped in his arms again? Or can you see yourself in that place with someone else?

PS Opinions are all mine - new here - a bit nervous about giving advice. :slap:


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