# Why do you do this!!!



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

This is actually based on a couple of posts I've seen here and a situation which happened in real life to me.

As I'm cruising through this site and others, I keep running into this meme 'Dating life for a divorced woman in her 40's sucks. Her life is pretty much over.'

So...this made me curious. I decided to talk to a woman who divorced and had to spend her forties single. (To protect the names of the guilty, I'll just call her Mom)

So...I'm helping her move something and I ask "What was dating life like when you were forty?"

We have that sort of blunt question relationship. (this is not MY question to you ladies...though if you want to chime in, be my guest)

She states that 'putting out is assumed' and it's hard to find a date. Shrug, accept the infor nugget and get on with life. I totally forgot the whole incident.

But not her. "Who does my son know who is 40? Oh...his wife...He is away working a lot...does my son have suspicions? Maybe I need to keep an eye on her...maybe I need to talk to my daughter."

Well...the short of it is my wife hears somehow, my mother and sister think my wife is cheating on me from MY question...and I want to beat them all with a stick (metaphorically speaking)

I've seen it here before. "My husband looked at an escort site. He MUST be having multigirl orgies the moment my back is turned...despite there being no monetary proof...my husband asked this question about sex and I never did that with him...where is he learning this stuff..."

Why do women need to fill in the blanks all the time? And it's never the 'best case scenario'. It's always the worst.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Really?! I mean, really?! 

I don't think I need to fill in any blanks if my husband is looking at escort sites. The act itself tells me everything I need to know.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Really?! I mean, really?!
> 
> I don't think I need to fill in any blanks if my husband is looking at escort sites. The act itself tells me everything I need to know.


That he wonders what an escort looks like? There you go, jumping to conclusions.

Not defending THAT action as an action. It describes issues in a marriage. But it does not paint a guy who is A) calling and B) paying for someone.

Unfortunately, porn has, due to it's access, become very pervasive in our culture. So a guy, in three little clicks, can take a peek at...whatever. Same as a woman going into Sak's, looking at a purse she REALLY REALLY WANTS...but she knows she's never going to buy because $3000 for a purse is insane.

But I note that you totally avoided the other longer example I cited.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok..regarding the conversation with "Mom"...did you TELL her the reason you asked was because of memes and such you saw advertised on various sites?? 

Funny, if I was asking something like that, men would be assuming that either 1. I was looking to hook up with someone or 2. my husband was doing that. And when I say men, I mean men in the family. And if it got back to my hubsnad, HE would get bent out of shapeas well. It's not exclusive to us women, dear. You men get pretty... odd... about such things as well.

As for the escort thing you brought up as another example, I wouldn't assume he was having orgies with escorts... but I sure as hell would be asking what the F*CK he was looking at that sh*t for!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

JCD said:


> But I note that you totally avoided the other longer example I cited.


Sorry about that, I hate typing long responses on my phone. Now, I'm on my laptop, so you better watch out.:bringiton: 

I think your question would make anyone, male or female, try and fill in the blanks. The line of thought would be the same. Why is asking that question? Who does he know that is a woman and in her forties? Why does this concern him? The person doesn't know you're curious because you're reading about it on a website.

Also, in your case it's Mom. Now, if you're like my brother, husband and my brother-in-laws, they don't tell anything to their moms unless they absolutely have to. So, I've seen my mom and my MIL try to decipher whatever nuggets their sons decide to divulge to them. Yeah, so lots of assuming and misunderstandings. It's possible your mom was doing the same.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok..regarding the conversation with "Mom"...did you TELL her the reason you asked was because of memes and such you saw advertised on various sites??


I believe I did. Not the meme thing. I said it was a discussion I had heard. I can't be absolutely certain of this, but it would certainly be less damaging for her to take one second to say 'Why do you ask?' and actually BELIEVE it instead of taking my reality and replacing it with her own.



> Funny, if I was asking something like that, men would be assuming that either 1. I was looking to hook up with someone or 2. my husband was doing that. And when I say men, I mean men in the family. And if it got back to my hubsnad, HE would get bent out of shapeas well. It's not exclusive to us women, dear. You men get pretty... odd... about such things as well.


I was thinking about that as well. I will grant the point, though I think that navel gazing and overanalysis tends to trend slightly XX-ward...

I have had multiple MULTIPLE family conversations where I've sat with this or that female relative, had things be pretty 'normal' in my book...and then as soon as backs were turned, have whichever female was there asking 'what the hell did she mean by THAT remark...?' My answer is, invariably, 'well, what did she SAY?" 

Girls don't work on that level. They fill in the blanks...frequently with their own fears and insecurities. Or I'm clueless. That, btw, is an even money bet. 



> As for the escort thing you brought up as another example, I wouldn't assume he was having orgies with escorts... but I sure as hell would be asking what the F*CK he was looking at that sh*t for!


And that would be a MATURE way to address the issue. You might not like the answers, but it's certainly a step up from 'changing the locks and throwing his clothes into the sprinkler system'.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JCD said:


> I believe I did. Not the meme thing. I said it was a discussion I had heard. I can't be absolutely certain of this, but it would certainly be less damaging for her to take one second to say 'Why do you ask?' and actually BELIEVE it instead of taking my reality and replacing it with her own.


Well, as many men say to us women.... we're not mind readers. 
Seriously, had you just said "Hey, I have a question for you. I have seen these MEMES all over the place and I just wondered your take on it." That would save alot of speculation from BOTH sides. But then, it could have gone back to wife as "He said this, btu I'm not so sure that's true"....And all ya gotta do is show the memes lol.



JCD said:


> I was thinking about that as well. I will grant the point, though I think that navel gazing and overanalysis tends to trend slightly XX-ward...
> 
> I have had multiple MULTIPLE family conversations where I've sat with this or that female relative, had things be pretty 'normal' in my book...and then as soon as backs were turned, have whichever female was there asking 'what the hell did she mean by THAT remark...?' My answer is, invariably, 'well, what did she SAY?"
> 
> Girls don't work on that level. They fill in the blanks...frequently with their own fears and insecurities. Or I'm clueless. That, btw, is an even money bet.


OMG! I can't even BEGIN to count the number of times my HUSBAND got the attitude you have attributed to the women you know! Seriously, I tell HIM to relax about something...and HE'S the one getting riled up about it! Not to say that I'm not like that...ever, but more often than not, I have seen MEN do it.





JCD said:


> And that would be a MATURE way to address the issue. You might not like the answers, but it's certainly a step up from 'changing the locks and throwing his clothes into the sprinkler system'.


Oh, you misunderstand... if I didn't like the answer I got, THEN everything of his would be out on the lawn...and the manager would be changing the locks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think men need to understand that many women are insecure. I know I need reassurance and yes in the absence of information I will make bad stuff up. Better to tell me upfront "why". Tell me you were curious about what escorts look like before I catch it on the home computer. Tell me you read about a sex move on tam that you're now interested in trying. Yes on touchy subjects like sex tell me upfront what your thinking is then I won't come to my own wrong conclusions.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Maricha,

I guess we run in different circles. I can't count the times I've heard my sister b*tch about something the Step said. I was in the room. I heard the same words. I didn't see anything to be hair trigger offended about.

But yeah, crappy communication is a two way street.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> That he wonders what an escort looks like? There you go, jumping to conclusions.
> 
> Not defending THAT action as an action. It describes issues in a marriage. But it does not paint a guy who is A) calling and B) paying for someone.


I think where there is smoke, there is fire. Nothing good can come out of "looking" at escorts. IMO. People are not quick to trust other today, so something like this just causes suspicion that doesn't help the situation.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

If I was looking at a male escort site I'm pretty sure my husband would be pretty pissed, me saying it's the same as him looking computer he REALLY REALLY wants wouldn't go down well either lol


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JCD said:


> This is actually based on a couple of posts I've seen here and a situation which happened in real life to me.
> 
> As I'm cruising through this site and others, I keep running into this meme 'Dating life for a divorced woman in her 40's sucks. Her life is pretty much over.'
> 
> ...


Are you suggesting men DON'T do this?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Are you suggesting men DON'T do this?


Here. Let me spare you the effort of looking through the responses.



> > Funny, if I was asking something like that, men would be assuming that either 1. I was looking to hook up with someone or 2. my husband was doing that. And when I say men, I mean men in the family. And if it got back to my hubsnad, HE would get bent out of shapeas well. It's not exclusive to us women, dear. You men get pretty... odd... about such things as well.
> 
> 
> I was thinking about that as well. I will grant the point, though I think that navel gazing and overanalysis tends to trend slightly XX-ward...
> ...


So as frequently as women? No, not really.

But perhaps I should clarify. Whatever insecuritities of 'filling in the blanks' I experience with conversations with my female relations, it does not become immediate fodder to discuss with all and sundry...cause I have no proof.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JCD said:


> Here. Let me spare you the effort of looking through the responses.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, now I'm not sure which question this post addresses? Didn't you ask a similar question about a similar problem in another thread a while ago?

Yes, the female gender does tend to analyze more often than men in regards to the meaning behind words. Yes, we do tend to hear messages behind the words. You, in your family apparently, miss those messages because you don't have the same history of interactions as you siblings or step siblings.

I think men get blindsided by women because we can hear the message, whether in that instance we are right or wrong, behind the words. This is why women analyze comments endlessly. because we hear the message and we want confirmation. I think there are lots of men who can also hear the message, but I don't think there are as many men who are similarly aware of their own message before they speak. Case in point, your question to your Mom. She made a pretty logical leap. The mistake she made was no confirming her leap with you. Unless of course you have a history of being tight lipped and resentful of intrusive questions.

If a woman asked that question about a man in his 40's, and her husband happened to also be in his 40's ...well there's a pretty logical leap. And because most women would be aware of that logical leap, they would preface the question appropriately so that inappropriate leaps would be kept to a minimum.

You're kind of like Henry Higgins you know? You get exasperated by women being women, when you know how women are. You seem to expect, and I mean this sort of "tongue in cheek," for the women in your life to suddenly start acting like men. Thats the part that doesn't make sense...at least not me it doesn't.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

JCD said:


> ...though I think that navel gazing and overanalysis tends to trend slightly XX-ward...


In my opinion, this is a completely relative thing. I could just as easily frame it as 'lack of circumspection and an impoverished analysis tends to trend slightly XY-ward...".

As for the basic question - I think it's just a question of fear. Questions like the one you posed to your mother (and certainly the discovery of escort sites in a browser history) can strike fear in the heart. It's very easy to go for the worst case in that situation since your mind reacts by trying to reorient itself and deal with a potentially new reality. This process is jarring.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

These post help quite a bit. I get the fear thing...and I'm VERY tight lipped around my mother. So I can get where she wouldn't think she'd get any information from me about what is really going on.

Still, a simple question...and IIRC, I DID explain my interest...so that part of the dialogue was essentially ignored


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This makes me unreasonably angry. But that's why you wrote it right. I'll chomp down on it. 

Sitting down and talking to women to confirm your biases about them is creepy, dont you think? You know that you are stirring up trouble. Have you done the same with men? Ever hear of the scientific method? Look it up. Might help your inquiry. 

How about passive aggressive personality? Look that up while you are at it. You may recognize someone. 

You yourself said women imagine the worse but you go about stirring up trouble to confirm your bias. Women may imagine the worse but you seem to do the worse. 

A person who is manipulated to jump to conclusion is at lest mentally stable. A passive-aggressive person does not recognize their pathology. . 

Are you worried that your wife will leave you? I ask because it seems odd that you reassure yourself that a 40yr old woman is a throw away. Your wife is 40? Are you sure you are not seeing the worse to reassure yourself? 

My advice is to stick with the old lady. There, I am seeing the best in your situation. A divorced, middle-aged, passive-aggressive man may have more trouble connecting with women than you think. 

I know, 20 something yr old hot women are throwing themselves at you now and you are not even available, right? Well, you may may be seeing your appeal optimistically but, whatever. 

It it possible that you are good for a part time tumble while miss or mrs hottie is clouded by a healthy dose of fantasy, no? You may be a hard sell full-time. I hope this post helps you too. 

End of unreasonable rant - I see the worse.


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