# I don't have anyone to talk to for advice! Help!!



## thestyleguy (Jul 6, 2015)

Ok, so I am one of the unfortunate people in the world who don't quite have friends or family members to talk to about marriage so I was really hoping the community here could just give me some light, their opinion, advice ANYTHING! I am having an issue in my marriage and I am at a fork in the road and I don't know if i should go left or right. (This may be a long post):wink2:

Background is I started dating my wife when we were about 14 years old. I am now 27, and she is 26. We have been married going on 9 years now and I believe we are at a really rough patch in our marriage. I am miserably unhappy, and I don't quite know where my wife stands because the way she communicate is kind of weird but I am really contemplating divorce/separation.

For me I feel like my wife doesn't show me any attention, affection, support and she doesn't listen to me and my needs nor does she communicate anything to me. My wife doesn't know how to hold a conversation with me anymore. She is really quiet, and always says something along the lines "I don't know what to say" "You talk to me" and i end up just talking her ears off and its a one way convo and I get a yes, no, ok, maybe. She doesn't know how to spark my interest in convo anymore, we don't do anything affectionate. Everything just feels WEIRD and FORCED. I am extremely verbal and try to sit my wife down all the time and say hey hunny this is what I need as a man a husband a father to keep me going on a day to day- communication affection attention a great sex life and someone i can just basically have fun with on a day to day to take my mind off of my career and life struggles. I want to build memories with my wife for years to come.

I just feel as if she doesn't care anymore. Her actions feel so cold, and sometimes her words are as well- but she verbally says she's still in love with me:|. I went through a great lost in my family about 2 years ago and i believe thats where it started. I lost my mom- the only person in my family i speak to. I have always been the guy to have a bunch of "associates" but i don't have any friends no one I'm going to invite over the house for a drink etc so literally once my mom was gone i had no one but her and my son, and i feel ALONE everyday I'm with her. She's selfish. I don't know any of my family i don't keep friends she was the support i needed. She LEFT ME HANGING in a time of mourning. I was spiraling out of control, I attempted to take my own life out of pain. My own wife NEVER stepped in to pick me up. 

I do understand that typically i had my mom to lean on etc, and when that wasn't there anymore i depended on her to help me get out of that dark place and she told me things like i was "too needy" now and "i don't remember you being this needy", as in I was supposed to be cool with her going to hang out with her sisters while i cried my eyes out over my lost. Yes i wanted my wife there with me to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. I wanted my wife to drop everything in the world that could have been paused to say hey i have to take care of my man and make sure he's ok. Even after finding me trying to hang myself over all the pain. But maybe i was too needy.....and to be honest those words..."you're too needy now" made me suicidal..I just felt so alone and abandoned. No mom and my wife didn't want to help a brother out....then who else was i supposed to talk to!...:|

Sex with my wife could be AMAZING. But she never initiates, barely wants to try anything new. I tell my wife a million things that would make me happy sexually as i am really into sex and so WAS she, part of the reason i married her lol. Now she saying oh I'm just not into sex as much as you blah blah blah. Sometimes i feel like she's a kid i have to beg her to be a woman to me I want to feel empowered and overwhelmed by my wife and that never happens. My wife still sucks her thumb like a little kid so she would just be laying in the bed or sitting on the couch sucking her thumb and Ive talked to her about it on many occasions how much of a turn off that is. She's almost 30 and sucks her thumb- how does that make me feel like I'm with that WOMAN i dreamed of marrying all of my life. She doesn't go the extra mile for me. The last thing my wife done for me was on my 21st birthday. 6 years ago? Ive tried everything to get her back. Flowers, dates, gifts, counseling etc. she just doesn't get it.

She wants to do things her way when she wants and how she wants. Shoot so do i, but not when it comes to her. I listen to my wife I'm attentive I'm affectionate I'm spontaneous supportive etc, i know its my job to listen to her needs and deliver them for her the way that makes her happy because that what she needs and i feel like her job is the same. Find out what your husband needs and figure out how to make sure you give it to him in the way he'd like it. I know sometimes its a compromise, but I'm not getting nothing! Ill ASK for something and she does it half ass and i complain about it and she flips. How can you tell me what was pleasurable to me? lol. To be honest Ive stopped doing so much just because i feel like i put out and she doesn't so why break my neck for someone who's not doing the same?

I talk to my wife all the time when I'm unhappy and then she never LISTENS she fires back with her list of complaints that are literally not valid. she just gets so defensive when i say I'm unhappy but she never does anything to change it. I don't want to cheat but man i feel trapped. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I cry myself to sleep many nights deprived of sex deprived of feeling that intense love from my wife i used to. She's become just a body. We don't have fun anymore don't feel like were connected or that she even wants to be here and Ive asked her if she did and gave her the opportunity to leave if she wanted to but she chose to stay but never chooses to try to be a wife for me. Its made me a really insecure guy. I am very humble so don't take this the wrong way, but i am a very attractive guy and i am turning advances down left and right and still the 1 woman i want the attention from i can't get it so it makes me soo insecure.

I just want a WOMAN. Someone who stimulates my mind someone who i feel like will drop everything for me i want to feel like someones number 1 priority. I want a woman who doesn't go all day without speaking to me because I'm always on her mind. A woman who's touchy spontaneous sexual fun experimental talkative and a communicator. I want my wife to say hey you're not doing this or i need you to do this more. I live to please i want to do everything you ask i have no boundaries for my partner i will do whatever it takes to please and make her happy. In this case I always ask and she goes no everything fine.When its not! Or maybe she just needs someone boring like herself. My wife literally is more into strangers. She cannot stay off her phone being on instagram and Facebook scrolling through timelines of peoples fake lives. People she doesn't even know when she has a man who's been screaming for her attention for years and she still hasn't given the effort. If i don't speak to my wife in the house, she won't even ask me whats wrong or why I'm so quiet she will just not speak either. If i don't text or call my wife- she doesn't text or call to find out how my day is. if i don't try to have sex with my wife- it'll never happen. Im tired of feeling like i control and dictate every portion of this marriage.

There have been so many thoughts. Am i missing out on my dream woman? Should we divorce? Should i stop trying and let this burn out on its own? Like again, i still am crazily IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN. I would die seeing her ever being with someone else, but if its just not it then i have to walk away. Or am i being unreasonable and too needy?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. linked to below or at amazon.

I think you have overwhelmed your wife.

You need to get into counseling. Before you try to change your wife you need to get yourself straightened out. I know your post overwhelmed me and you even tried to commit suicide. That isn't what well adjusted people do even in the face of a death of a loved one.

Honestly, I can see why she may distance herself from you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You sound really lost but based on what you have written you do come across as a little needy. I came to that conclusion before I read all the way through your post and saw what your wife said! You make comments like She left me 'hanging' she is 'selfish' she never stepped in, she this and that, for God's sake are you the wife or the husband? You need some IC to deal with your emotional issues. You need to come out of yourself and not depend on your wife for everything emotional.

No-one person, no matter how wonderful they are can be everything to you and I think you have lumped that responsibility on your young wife (you are both young). She is probably overwhelmed. Your mum played the role of your 'everything' , your confident, etc before, now you have transferred this to your wife.
In doing so you may well have not only overwhelmed your wife but hurt her too, as you are probably demanding your emotional needs are met but not be meeting hers? I call it the 'me me me ' syndrome.

Why don't you have any friends or cousins, work mates, etc? To me this is a worrying sign.

Lastly I think your wife has emotionally checked out of your marriage, perhaps your emotional demands were too much for her? You probably need MC. She seems to bottle up things too but doesn't seem to be very happy either.


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## californian (Jan 28, 2010)

Wait a minute, this situation does not appear to be that simple!

While you may indeed be needier than most, there's something wrong with your wife too. Based on your description so far, she might be a narcissist. If she really had no compassion for you when your mother passed away, that'd be a big sign pointing towards it. Narcissists don't put out, they only take, and you touched up on that too. Even if you're just a bit needy, they won't give you much and if you're very needy, you'll irritate the hell out of them! If you're a good looking guy, she might have "acquired" you as on object, that's why narcissists do. Yet, she wouldn't leave you and in some way is comfortable with you despite all of your complaints. That might be because narcissists tend to get stuck with somebody they feel are inferior to them (otherwise they don't feel good about themselves). Narcissists can also be very shallow and thus her "I don't know", "You tell me", might be in some way genuine since she might not have anything deep to share or to offer. Narcissists are notorious for not caring about other people's feelings and inner-worlds and your wife is clearly not interested in you either. Narcissists love adulation and hate anything that points a finger at the perfection of their persona. When that happens they check out of the relationship.

Tell us more about your wife. Does she respond swiftly to adulation? Does she like it when it's all about her? Does she check-out upon a hint of a negative feedback? Is she of a superficial type? Is she arrogant or dismissive? Does she genuinely care about other people?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many things going on here. 

First, you MUST get a life. Join a club, join a sports group, take a class in something you'd like to learn, I don't care, just GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and DO something. You simply must make some friends. It is indeed needy, and not healthy, to rely solely on your wife for all your needs. Now, there are several needs that she alone must meet. Read the book His Needs Her Needs to understand how both of you need to be taken care of.

Another great book for you to read is Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. It talks about this specifically, how to stay in a healthy frame of mind and to keep a healthy marriage, each of you needs to have a life outside of your spouse.

Now as for your wife, she surely sounds depressed. And, if not clinically depressed, at least emotionally stunted, probably from lack of having an outside life, or even knowing what's out there, i.e. how to live as an adult without needing another human to make it. Both of you need to see that. The thumb sucking is unusual, and there's probably some back story to that that it might help to get help for. But you can't make her. I'd wait til later to deal with that.

Also, she needs an outside life. Is she working? If not, you need to look into that. She also seems to be taking you for granted. Did I read you say that you do everything for her? Stop it. Create a balance where each of you gives to the relationship. Give us more detail on that situation.

Finally, it really really sounds like you've started looking around, maybe wondering what you missed out on. Maybe even spotted someone you've been wondering what it would be like to be with?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

First things first: You realize your wife doesn't love you any more, right? 

Read up on the 180. Live it. Learn it. LOVE it. It may save your life. It did mine, when I finally realized the center of my universe didn't even LIKE me any more.

And now the fun part: They don't come back from this.

Good luck.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Looks to me that your wife lost interest in you. At this point I do not know what are contributing factors to this. I do however agree with previous advise to attend IC for you. I will definitely be beneficial to you for a long run. As far as 180, I am not sure is it is right time for it. I think I understand where you are coming from as far as husband needs, but you need to find out what has turned her off first, before it is too late.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

You cant "fix" her or anyone else, you can only "fix" you. If you go to the Men's Clubhouse and read the links behind the sticky about being a Better Man you have plenty enough to keep you occupied until the book that Chaparral recommended you order gets here. You did order it didn't you?
You have a lot of work to do. On you.


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