# Is Lack-of-Intimacy Reason for Divorce??



## json (Dec 31, 2014)

Hi... looking for advice.

I have been married for over 22 years. From the outside, I have it all... beautiful wife, great kids, good family-man, career, house, etc. But, on the inside, I am in tremendous pain. 

Over time... my wife's intimacy has declined. After kids... we were on auto-pilot... she had sex with me once per week but this was a chore for her. She did this to keep me from getting overly frustrated... usually no kissing... and usually she wants me to "just hurry up". She does not allow me to touch anywhere on her body. She will orgasm perhaps once or twice per year - and it is tricky to get her in the right mood. 

She has many excuses... but I know that she just does not like sex and she is not attracted to me anymore.

I am a very "nice" guy, kind, affectionate, family-man, funny, and always trying to make her happy. She does not have to work, she has nice car, big house with new addition, nice clothes, and all those material things that she has wanted. I tried many things... but seems to be no pattern to getting her "in the mood". I am a nice looking, slim, clean-cut guy - in very good shape and look young for my age. But, not a "stud" by any means.

Once this started to happen (about 15 years ago), it really bothered me. Sometimes sending me into deep sadness. Being attracted to her without affection in return is devastating. I saw a therapist by myself... but my wife does not want to see counseling. She gets angry at me when I bring this up.

I do have depression - which is made worse by this situation. In the relationship, she is more dominant and I am more quiet. Perhaps this makes me less attractive? Maybe she needs an Alpha Male? I dont know.

Now, the last few years, I realized that it was not me as much as her. I find that women are very attracted to me lately. I had many chances for affairs during business travel but refused. Finally last year, I had an affair while traveling to another country. This was the wrong thing to do... and I feel bad. But I had such an incredible connection with this other woman beyond just sex... I was so happy with her... and we still keep in touch via email.

Knowing that there are women out there who can make me so happy has really changed my perspective. But, I am more miserable than ever now. 

My wife is a good person, great mom, and seems generally happy with the life she has. Sex is not important to her. Generally she is nice... but sometimes she is short-tempered with me... especially as she gets older. She is a "worrier" and is always the person who takes care of other people in need - which also makes her a little uptight. All my friends and family think she is very kind and I am very lucky.

Which is why it is a difficult decision for divorce. Do I keep the family going even though I am miserable. Or, do I push for divorce with the chance that I can be happy again? - but at the expense of my wife and kids.

Please provide any advice.

Thanks!


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hi, json.

Advice as follows.

1) Adopt a manlike outlook on life. Think about your life, what's important to you, what you want out of it. Then make plans accordingly to achieve the life you want.

What? You want more? Man, some people.....

2) While you're going on in detail about how your wife doesn't respect you, you should keep in mind that you don't respect her, either, seeing as how you had an affair on her and all. You have lost the moral high ground, here.

3) When you roll points 1 and 2 together, the correct conclusion is that your marriage is broken, and should be dissolved. You'd rather find comfort in the arms of other women, and your wife, well, who knows what makes her happy- the only thing for sure is that you don't.

Or else she'd be, you know, having sex with you.

4) See a medical professional and get help for your depression. Research any drugs you are prescribed carefully so that you are 100% aware of potential side effects.

5) See a counselor and work on yourself from that angle, as well. Cheating is a bad answer to one's problems. You need to find out what inside you caused you to do this, instead of doing something like working on your marriage or stopping paying for a comfortable lifestyle for your wife who wasn't doing anything for you in return. 

6) In answer to the title of this thread, yes, lack of intimacy is a valid and accepted reason for divorce.

You don't actually need any reason at all to get divorced nowadays.

Rejoice about that, as you set about finding a woman who loves you, and give your wife the freedom to find a man she likes enough to have sex with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You have one of the best reasons to divorce.

If you want to give it one last shot, read MMSLP, NMMNG, and try What Women Want by Daniel Bergner. The last has some fantastic insight into women losing their desire for their long term partner.

She also may have taken a lover. Not trying to freak you out, just a possibility you may want to be prepared for mentally and emotionally.

Hope this helps. Start focusing on yourself and maybe trade in some of that "nice" guy for a little more selfish alpha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Yes, lack of intimacy is a reason for divorce.

It is also a better and less hurtful reaction than cheating. How do you think she will feel when she finds out that you cheated? Or did you even care. You already took actions at the expense of you wife and kids. This may sound harsh, but it is coming from a betrayed spouse.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. You really need to level with your wife about everything!

Your house may have been burning down but you took a nuke to it by sticking your damn tool where it doesn't belong!

You should have divorced before cheating. I understand your pain at the loss of intimacy but you just made the worst choice possible and not only betrayed your wife but children as well.

She needs to know. She deserves to know. You owe it to her at the very least. You have, unfortunately, become something low and disgusting.

I would make becoming a better man a priority if I were you and that starts with facing what you are and telling the truth.

I feel for you but you have made a huge mess and you need to clean it up!

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Are you gonna be man enough to tell your wife you had an affair?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lack of intimacy was the main reason I divorced my ex after 24 years. It was the best decision I ever made, as I was miserable, and went on to become very happy indeed in a great - and truly loving - relationship. Even if it doesn't work out as well for you, you at least have the chance to find happiness, whereas now you don't


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

Your focus seems to be on the material side you give her and not the actual affection side..... Take it from a retired Marine who made very little money, its what you say and do, not what you buy


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## Ohso lonely (Apr 5, 2015)

No sex in 8 yrs. My husband has very lame excuses, and no I am considering having an affair. Any advice?


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