# Counselor dazed me yesterday about my kids



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I've been on the proverbial fencepost for 4 years now about divorce. But what holds me back are my kids (13 & 9). They are my world and I can't stand the thought of not being under the same roof with them 24x7. My marriage is over. No doubt about that.

So yesterday the counselor says to me "You love your children more than anyone I know" which I'm sure isn't true. I bet she loves her children just as much. But I was flattered.

Then she said "Do you think you have such a strong bond with your girls because you get nothing from your wife?" Well...uh....dang! I never looked at it that way. It's so true though. Not that it's neccesarily a bad thing, but that makes it more clear to me on why I'm so hesitent to file for divorce and move out. Then I won't have that love and affection from them as often and that would be worse.

She also added that I wouldn't be alone for long because I have a lot to offer the right woman who would love me and appreciate me. But it still scares me.

Just wanted to share that.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Whoa... That's insight that I wouldn't have pieced together, but it does make perfect sense.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I can tell you that your kids will love you unconditionally. Your time spent together will be that much more fulfilling because you will appreciate each other even more than you already do.
Divorce is scary and complicated. If you know that its over and she agrees then look at it as opening a door to a new life. Finding someone who will treat you as you should be treated and respect you enough to want to be with you and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Beach,
How close will you be able to live to them? 

Why can't you push hard for joint custody?




BeachGuy said:


> I've been on the proverbial fencepost for 4 years now about divorce. But what holds me back are my kids (13 & 9). They are my world and I can't stand the thought of not being under the same roof with them 24x7. My marriage is over. No doubt about that.
> 
> So yesterday the counselor says to me "You love your children more than anyone I know" which I'm sure isn't true. I bet she loves her children just as much. But I was flattered.
> 
> ...


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Beach,
> How close will you be able to live to them?
> 
> Why can't you push hard for joint custody?


Pretty close...5 miles. We separated twice before and my wife never caused any issue with me seeing the kids. She very much wants me to remain a big part of their lives. We just let them go with whoever they wanted each day. They would stay with me most weekends and with her during school weeks. The hardest times for me then were the evenings after they'd go home and I was alone.

As for joint custody....I just don't think that would be in the best interest of the kids since I'm gone 10 hours a day at work. And since my wife is being reasonable about it (she's extreme passive), I'm not going to push it. She made noise about having to "move back home" (300 miles away) should she not be able to "make it" after divorce but my lawyer said she can't go anywhere with the kids w/o the courts permission. And she'd have to prove it's in the best interest of the kids which she could never do.

She just said that because she doesn't want to go back to work and would rather go back home and let her dad take care of her forever.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Beach
My parents divorced when I was 13. I moved out with my mum and lived with her. My sister was 18 and just stayed where she was. It wasn't a very amicable divorce, my mum had put up with a lot over the years, but, the issue of custody never came into it. We lived quite close to my dad and I was allowed to see himm whenever I wanted. Like your daughters, I spent most of the school week with mum and the weekends with dad, but it wasn't set in stone and I could come and go as I pleased. It worked for us.

My dad and I were extremely close, I probably had a better relationship with him than with my mum, and this closeness didn't dwindle after we moved out. You deserve to be happy, and I'm sure your girls will realise that. Your relationship with them doesn't necessarily have to change because you are not all living together.

My dad passed away to years ago and I miss him desperately at times. He was always there for me and I adored him!
Your girls will be fine
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks daisygirl. I'm close to both of my girls. My 13 y/o just told me today she missed "coming to my house" when my wife and I were separated. She really enjoyed the alone time with me and we would cook dinner and watch Harry Potter movies. This has been a long time coming and it's been a real roller coaster the past 4 years but I'm just ready to be done with it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't you think your kids want you to be happy? Your counselor is right. If you want to be with someone and be happy with them, it isn't your wife, and your girls are growing up and will be on their own sooner than you realize.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Pretty close...5 miles. We separated twice before and my wife never caused any issue with me seeing the kids. She very much wants me to remain a big part of their lives. We just let them go with whoever they wanted each day. They would stay with me most weekends and with her during school weeks. The hardest times for me then were the evenings after they'd go home and I was alone.
> 
> *As for joint custody....I just don't think that would be in the best interest of the kids *since I'm gone 10 hours a day at work. And since my wife is being reasonable about it (she's extreme passive), I'm not going to push it. She made noise about having to "move back home" (300 miles away) should she not be able to "make it" after divorce but my lawyer said she can't go anywhere with the kids w/o the courts permission. And she'd have to prove it's in the best interest of the kids which she could never do.
> 
> She just said that because she doesn't want to go back to work and would rather go back home and let her dad take care of her forever.


I don't think you understand that joint custody means. 

There is legal and physical custody.

Legal custody means who gets a say about legal things in regards to your children.. like if they are in the hospital.

Physical custody is who they are staying with them.

If your wife gets sole legal custody, she is the only one who has a say about what schools they go to, what happens to them with health care, etc. 

If your wife gets sold physcial custody you don't get to see your kids she does not want to you. Say she meets antoher man and he puts pressure on her to not have your around in any way... you might not see your children or a long time. She an move out of state with your children, you have NO say in this.

If she has sole legal and physical custody she could more out of state, keep your children from you but you would still have to pay child support.

I think you are wrong. You definately want joint legal and physcal custody. But you want your children only part of the time. She will get the children only part of the time. The % of time depends... for example maybe you get them on weekends, half of all holidays and for your vacations.

You have no idea if your wife will always be fare about your children. Protect yourself and your children upfront by getting joint legal and physical custody. Then if all goes well the two of you can continue the easy way you do things. But if they do not go well.. if your wife has a change of heart.. you and your children are protected.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think you understand that joint custody means.
> 
> There is legal and physical custody.
> 
> ...


Yeah I get what you're saying and I had no intention of rolling over on this issue with her. The papers will specify all decisions regarding the children are made together. And my lawyer said she cannot move without the courts permission (in FL anyway) and she would have to prove it's in the best interest of the children. Which she could never do. They've lived here their entire life and I am a great dad to them and provide.

I guess I was thinking "joint custody" meant they would physically live with me 50% of the time. I'm sure my attorney will tell me what's best to put in the papers.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Don't you think your kids want you to be happy? Your counselor is right. If you want to be with someone and be happy with them, it isn't your wife, and your girls are growing up and will be on their own sooner than you realize.


Yes Hope you are right. I just hung on for so long because I desperately wanted to keep my family whole. But I know it's not setting a good example for my kids. Being raised in a home with no love between their parents. Her and I haven't even so much as held hands in well over a year now.


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