# He Don't think He Lied Before We were Married



## sad wife (Aug 19, 2011)

I am so hurt. I have been married for 2.5 years to a man I love so much but I have to admit I have a lot of doubt in our marriage because of our money situation. 

We both owned our own business before we were married. Mine was and continues to do well which I am thankful for. His did okay but he closed it to move to where I lived. In return he wasnt able to pay his bills. The trouble is, we never discussed our bills because we both done everything and money was no object when we dated.

The problem now is, he had to file bankruptcy when we married. I did not. I also found out AFTER we have been married, that he owes his family a lot of money. Im talking ALOT. So... now he focuses on paying his family back and has since started a busienss where we live that is lifting off the ground doing good. He puts me last for everything. It is almost like he wants to live with me for free and when he gets extra money pay his family but not help me with bills. I guess it hurts me because I had no idea he was in debt like he was and I have excellent credit so.... when we talk about bills, he gets mad and walks off, won't talk to me and really acts like he just don't owe me for nothing, he has to pay his family instead. So do I have the right to be bitter and how on earth am I suppose to get through this problem. I am so mad, hurt and disgusted at the same time. It is causing us MAJOR marital problems to the point we are fighting ALOT and many nights not even sleeping in the same bed. I am hurt!


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

sad wife said:


> The trouble is, we never discussed our bills because we both done everything and money was no object when we dated.


This is the problem, and I made the exact same mistake, not discussing finances before I moved in with my fiance, 

I am living with her now and found out she has large debt and is on the verge of bankruptcy, which I knew nothing about, you can look back through my previous posts if you want the details,

Me and you are in similar situations, the only difference is I moved into her house, and I know exactly what u are going through, we sleep seperate sometimes also,

If he is living with you then he should be helping you out with the bills, I don't mean to be rude but you are basically a free roof and a "sugar mama" right now to him (no offense)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sad wife (Aug 19, 2011)

lonelyman.. I suppose your right. I really feel like a sugar mom. When the bills get down to the due date I can not let them go unpaid because they are in my name too and like I stated above, my credit is GREAT. If I let them slide then Im screwed.

Im still stuck and don't know how to handle this situation. Its getting to where I dread going home because I don't know what each night is going to hold.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel, my credit is A+++++ too and I will not compromise that for anything, i am still wondering how to handle my situation also, 

like I said we have very similar situations, there are times when I don't like being home also, sometimes I find excuses to get out of the house, 

I travel for business and am out of town for a few days every couple of weeks, and lately I find i look forward to these trips, even though its work it gets me away from the house, and away from my problems,

I wish I had some advice for you but I don't, some way you need to make him understand that living in YOUR house is not free,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sad wife (Aug 19, 2011)

I honestly think that because we were dumb enough to let our hearts block our eyes, we are stuck in a marriage until our anger destroys the love we have for them. In all honesty, they will only have themselves to thank. 

I can't believe I just said it but i feel myself so angry at days and others i am fine. I just feel like all these finances should have been laid down on the table before he proposed to me. He should have said "hey look, I love you but I am in a debt because of my stupidity or because of dadadad........" Then it would have not been a shock. I mean I have had to learn about everything. When he filed bankruptcy, I had to sit down and help him with his paperwork, and at that time, I thought he was paying off everything and we would be okay, it was AFTER the bankruptcy, I learned of his debt to his family. I honestly refuse to assist him in any way with his debt to them. He made it and he must pay it. Sad part is, i suppose I am helping him because I am stuck with bills at home. 
:'( so its like there is no real answer to resolve this.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Nobody rides for free. Tell him he either pays X amount of money each month or the ride ends.

He didn't tell you up front, because he didn't want to risk loosing you. He knows you are a responsible hard working woman.


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## sad wife (Aug 19, 2011)

4sure said:


> Nobody rides for free. Tell him he either pays X amount of money each month or the ride ends.
> 
> He didn't tell you up front, because he didn't want to risk loosing you. He knows you are a responsible hard working woman.


Thats the problem... Im a hard working woman who doesnt want to fail. This makes my 2nd marriage and I hate that I was so stupid. Why did I not think of debt before marriage?! i guess I assumed I was stable so he was too! 

Anyone reading this, take the warning and discuss debt before marriage. If your bf/gf is in debt over their head let them swim out on their own and don't tangle yourself in their web. It's **ll to pay and certainly not fair.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop paying for his bills.


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## sad wife (Aug 19, 2011)

turnera said:


> Stop paying for his bills.


Easier said than done because like the cell phone bills, etc are in both our names. If I dont pay and let them sit, Im out a phone and into the "bad credit" delima. I was in the dark for awhile as stated above.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Close it down and start your OWN bill. Start divesting yourself of his financial responsibility and let him pick up his own slack...or do without.


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## sad wife (Aug 19, 2011)

turnera said:


> Close it down and start your OWN bill. Start divesting yourself of his financial responsibility and let him pick up his own slack...or do without.


Doing that today! Thanks for the wake up call


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just remember that he's going to try to GUILT you back into being his Sugar Momma. 

Maintain your anger.

He's the man. He should be taking care of YOU.

Stay mad.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

I Agree with Turnera, stay mad! Do NOT begin to feel bad, he is a grown man, and I should heed this advice too. I am in such a similar situation. you can read my recent post. It will NOT get better, in fact the longer it continues, the more he will come to depend on you and EXPECT for you to pay. Has he considered a second job? And why is his family ok with getting paid back regularly when he does not provide the basic contribution to his wife? And maybe its time to get tough, let the nonimportant things go downhill, cancel his cellphone, or favorite channels, I mean why are you suffering and he is able to pay back all of his debt, but yours is mounting up


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## sad wife (Aug 19, 2011)

You all are awesome in waking me up. He depends on me to do everything. It has gotten so much worse than better. He goes to work early which is understandable and then kills time to drag in around 7 or 8pm. So hes gone 12 to 14 hours a day. I still see $300 a month if im lucky!!!!

He hogs the television, he sits in his same chair every night, eats meals and thats it. As far as doing things with us anymore, its like he don't want to associate with us. 

Here recently he gets out of the car and walks 8 steps behind us. Argggg hes making me so upset. Ive been watching his phone log and noticed too that he has unavailable phone calls coming in on his out of town cell every day of week except weekends and he talks to them more than me. When i questioned him about those, he tells me its sales calls -yea right-. I know better than that when he used to never answer phone calls that were private or unavailable. I am starting to bring this relationship to a close.

I am thinking it is almost over! Just praying for God to give me the right direction to turn. Im about at my witts end and he is NOT worth going crazy over.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The smartest thing you can do is kick him out. And then make him PROVE to you he has changed (sometimes they do if they get a wakeup call), and then EARN you back by making up for everything he's done. Just be prepared for him to lay on the guilt. Keep the FACTS in your head as he does that.


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

Wait a minute. Are you not responsible for this mess too? You went into this marriage seeing only the good, but had you looked more deeply you would have seen signs of trouble. For instance, he sold his business to move where you are. Did the two of you not discuss this? Did you not consider the possible implications of this? The man sold his business to come to you the woman. Does this not show a level of dependency in and of itself?

Is marriage something we do for kicks on the weekend? We'll make this commitment for better or worse until the better turns into worse and then we bolt. You married this man did you not? 
When you marry the two shall become one. How can you become one and still be separate?

Is this man a complete loser? Is this what YOU married? If so, what then does this say about you?

Being hostile to him and separating with him is only going to cause him to react likewise. You are heading for a divorce. "Number 3, you're on deck". If this is what you want then so be it. If not then you'd better reconsider building this wall of separation between you and him, and try and build a bridge instead.

You mentioned that he wants to live with you for free. How much does it cost to live with you and can he afford it? Is this man completely unreasonable? Was his decision to close his business and move to where you are completely his decision with no input from you whatsoever?

We are not privy to the complete story, just your side of it. You're innocent of course, this male tricked you. Yeah, we get that. But I'm wondering if he feels that he made a sacrifice for you and now you're going financial on him. Did his family finance his last and current business? If so, is it unreasonable for them to expect to be compensated for their investment? By marrying him did you not assume his responsibilities be they good or bad? If this is a child you married, then why not go and make a financial arrangement with his family yourself. Maybe they can have some influence over your husband and tell him that he needs to help you pay the bills.

As difficult as I'm sure this is for you and on you, can you see no hope in this situation at all? Even if you're the one that has to carry the bulk of the burden right now? Do you see no hope that he'll ever contribute to the household finances at some point? I know you're angry, and who wouldn't be. But do you make your best decisions in anger?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dave, do you think he should come home, go straight to the couch, and expect her to wait on him? Do you think he should add his paycheck and let them pay the bills together?


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

A marriage is constantly a changing relationship, there are definitely struggles and difficult times. What gets you through it is communication, constant communication. Exactly what my marriage did not have and it looks like it is going that way for you too. Go to him, every night if you have to for at least 10 minutes a night and just talk about everything, talk about your day, or a client, or an experience, talk about what you had for lunch and who you talked to on the phone, talk about a funny commercial you saw or a show you want to watch, after a few days of this, the communication may start to improve. Also keep in mind that he will never admit that he feel imasculated by the current situation, he feels bad, and hes handling it terribly. with my husband it spiraled out of control until th elies took over his and my life and he denied everything, even when I had the information in front of him. Your husband seems to be more of in a rut than anything else and I really believe if you try to open those doors of communication, it could help. You have to try every way possible to make it work.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Most men are hardwired to be the provider. Any man who allows a woman to support him is a bum IMO. By the same token, a man should not marry a lazy woman who only wants to sponge off him.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

Sad Wife, what are you doing with a loser? Kick him out to the curb, and find a real man. Life is too short to be dragged down by the losers. I wonder if that $$ he is paying his family is really not a loan to be paid off, but rather, a way to keep money away from you! What is keeping you in this relationship? And don't tell me Love...a good relationship needs a lot more then Love to survive.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Most men are hardwired to be the provider. Any man who allows a woman to support him is a bum IMO. By the same token, a man should not marry a lazy woman who only wants to sponge off him.


:iagree:


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