# Is anyone dealing with severe ANGER over the betrayal?



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Because I am today big time, I just feel complete hatred towards my WH. I'm scared of this feeling, it's like I went from shock to devastation to depressed and now seething anger. 

I just feel like I'm going out of my mind.



HELP!


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

I feel your pain my dear, I just found out today my loving bride reconnected with her online EA partner immediately after getting divorce papers served to her for cheating on me with. I am trying to curtail those feelings and remain focused. Talk to yourself or someone but do not hold it in. Let the hurt run its course, we can't fight it anyway.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> I feel your pain my dear, I just found out today my loving bride reconnected with her online EA partner immediately after getting divorce papers served to her for cheating on me with. I am trying to curtail those feelings and remain focused. Talk to yourself or someone but do not hold it in. Let the hurt run its course, we can't fight it anyway.


I invested 25 years of my life with him, raised our children and we were now working hard to focus on our retirement, I just can't handle this. It's like he died to me.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

The other thing that is killing me inside is after that long, I just felt safe in my life no matter what happened in this insane world we live in, thought we were a TEAM, him and I. It's all gone now and I'm scared.


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## timedoesnothealall (Sep 15, 2013)

I've got some good news for you, from one who has been there big time. It's probably going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better ... if it ever does.

It seems like you're the only person in the universe experiencing this right now but, trust me, you're one of many. Stay on TAM and listen to the pros. They will be of immense help.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

timedoesnothealall said:


> I've got some good news for you, from one who has been there big time. It's probably going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better ... if it ever does.
> 
> It seems like you're the only person in the universe experiencing this right now but, trust me, you're one of many. Stay on TAM and listen to the pros. They will be of immense help.


Okay, I'm just really falling apart today. You just never think it can happen to you. The one you trust the most in your entire life turns on you with no warning. WTF!!!!


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> Okay, I'm just really falling apart today. You just never think it can happen to you. The one you trust the most in your entire life turns on you with no warning. WTF!!!!


Good your angry, now refocus that anger towards your husband. It is obvious you know the details from the level of your anger, now it is time to go on the offensive. Fun Fact; Men tend to fold like chairs against a highly aggressive woman. 

Now.... Are you prepared to kick some a55, Now get up, get up. Ready to battle! Yes you are, now get the fvck up!!!!


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

He just for the first time he "f*cked her" to me. So he confessed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry, It's amazing to me what these people are willing to throw away for a f!ck, because that really is what it comes down to. Or they don't really believe they'll lose anything.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sorry, It's amazing to me what these people are willing to throw away for a f!ck, because that really is what it comes down to. Or they don't really believe they'll lose anything.


Its a combination of both, Like a kid acting up knowing his parents will do nothing to discipline him. So, take the fight to the enemy and administer the smack down accordingly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just for the first time he "f*cked her" to me. So he confessed.


My old lady confessed also. Hell I figured she was confessing to the one I knew abut...she confessed to a whole punch of guys she was phucking for the last 13 yrs.

So now that you know were I'm coming from....do not let your old man define you. Ya it hurts, but what your old man did is on him and phuck him...that'd his **** to own (or not) but you gotta get your **** together and have the confidence to let that POS go!

This **** will continue to kill you if you let it, so stop right now and decide.......decide if you are going to be weaK or dust your self of and live life better then some POS cheater?

Hey, I loved my old lady...but no way in hell is someone going to have that much control over my life...not any more!!!!

Its time to take back your life so quit phucking around with this POS...if your old man wants back it should be under your terms....RIGHT?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep the anger, never let your old man see you cry again!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It hurts because we trusted them. It hurts because they aren't the person we thought. It hurts. Period. 

I was filled with rage and deeply hated my ex-husband of 45 years until the divorce was final. Then I forgave him. Not for him -- for me. I wanted peace. I finally have it. Do I sometimes still miss that handsome boy I married in 1967? Well, I miss the memory of who I thought he was. 

I know it's hard. I hope you find peace.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

He just said he lied to me to give what I wanted to hear.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I am to the point that it should have destroyed my current relationship several times over.. Fortunately my G.F. at this time is willing to look past my craziness.. I don't know how long it will last before it wears thin on her. 

I'm at the point where the therapist is considering 6 sessions a month ( I'm at once a week atm ) and 2 of the extra sessions will be to working on techniques to learn how to calm down.

I've been crazy screaming with the G.F.... 

I am utterly ashamed of how I acted.. 

If I broke up with my G.F. she would have every right to shoot me in the face for everything I put her through..

I have heard several times, you forgive them for you as Openminded has stated. I just am missing the understanding of that concept..

I would love to eventually understand how to do this and get some of these angry feeling and insecurities out of my head..


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Quote:
"I invested 25 years of my life with him, raised our children and we were now working hard to focus on our retirement, I just can't handle this. It's like he died to me."

and

"The other thing that is killing me inside is after that long, I just felt safe in my life no matter what happened in this insane world we live in, thought we were a TEAM, him and I. It's all gone now and I'm scared."

This struck a nerve with me. 23yrs together and married a few months shy of 20yrs. We have a (then) 17yr old daughter together....she banged her 60yr old karate instructor in our house. My daughter caught them together.....

But here's the thing. I experienced the kinds of emotion you're expressing here. The total mind**** of it all. 

But I met the most amazing woman who has come into my life, supported me, loves me unconditionally and has made me realise how great life can be.

Let go of that anger as soon as you can and perhaps you too will be lucky enough to meet an awesome man who will just love and appreciate you for YOU.

Your husband doesn't deserve you.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> Okay, I'm just really falling apart today. You just never think it can happen to you. The one you trust the most in your entire life turns on you with no warning. WTF!!!!


Deep breaths. Go for a run. Mentally, envelop yourself in a golden bubble and push the negative thoughts out. That is for you, not him. Low level anger is motivating, high level anger can be debilitating.


IIJokerII said:


> Good your angry, now refocus that anger towards your husband. It is obvious you know the details from the level of your anger, now it is time to go on the offensive. Fun Fact; Men tend to fold like chairs against a highly aggressive woman.
> 
> Now.... Are you prepared to kick some a55, Now get up, get up. Ready to battle! Yes you are, now get the fvck up!!!!


 This is true. Use the anger as fuel, but only in the right direction. Be smart.



lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sorry, It's amazing to me what these people are willing to throw away for a f!ck, because that really is what it comes down to. Or they don't really believe they'll lose anything.


 Yes, because we are too stupid to find out and if we do, well, we are never going to leave. What a delusion that was for my stbx. 



SomethingsUp said:


> He just said he lied to me to give what I wanted to hear.


Because he is a coward.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Use the anger phase to get things done because next comes despair.

It is like he's dead. He is dead. You are going to grieve for your dead husband. I remember reading a post here like this. It's almost worse than death because there's a pod person there. Like a pod person came here, killed your husband, buried him in the desert and now you have to interact with this pod person. He looks like your husband, he sounds like him, he even smells like him. But it's not him. Your husband is dead and this _person_ has taken his place.

There is a lot of cognitive dissonance your mind is going to have to sort through. It will change after awhile. Eventually you'll realize that your husband isn't dead. You'll realize that the man you loved wasn't ever actually real.

Can you love the person who is really there?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> I have heard several times, you forgive them for you as Openminded has stated. I just am missing the understanding of that concept..
> 
> I would love to eventually understand how to do this and get some of these angry feeling and insecurities out of my head..


I'm a couple of decades ahead of you on this trajectory and in some ways I think if you ever figure it out please clue me in. 

I do know this from experience ... forgiveness is a process, not an event, and practice improves the skillset. I find that I have to re-forgive my ex on a daily basis in order to find peace. 

I'm not sure I can tell anyone "how" to do it because I just kinda blunder through it in my own way. I think there's gotta be a better way than how I do it, but I just don't know. 

I've resigned myself to the idea that some answers just won't come to me in this life, so I do the best I can with what I've got.


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## j1974 (Oct 9, 2014)

i think right now if i could be angry at my H it would help me get on with my life and stop hurting


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Somethingsup

I'm nine months out from d-day and for the last three weeks I've resided in rage. Pure rage. Trying to R but this rage has set me back a few steps. I wonder how my WW could give herself to another male. How she could lie and deceive me. How she was able to think our marriage was over. How she could be intimate with another male because of a few compliments and on and on. I get so agitated and then hit blind rage. I've rearranged the garage five times in three weeks throwing everything I can pick up. I am now in the process of trying to channel that rage into a positive action but it doesn't work. I don't have any real answers to give you but you are not alone in feeling angry.

The betrayal of infidelity in my opinion is second to none. This was the person I loved unconditionally, and trusted unconditionally. Those were two of my mistakes but I thought it could never happen to me. It's sad that a betrayed spouse feels that loving and trusting unconditionally is wrong to do. It's sad when you realize a wayward spouse is capable of infidelity. I am stumbling through the days at the moment as the details of WW's have been flooding me lately. Within an hour I'm in a rage and struggle to keep control. Writing here at times has helped, so maybe that's the best advice I can give you. Best of luck to you and sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

timedoesnothealall said:


> I've got some good news for you, from one who has been there big time. It's probably going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better ... if it ever does.
> 
> It seems like you're the only person in the universe experiencing this right now but, trust me, you're one of many. Stay on TAM and listen to the pros. They will be of immense help.


This, unfortunately. I went from disbelief, to pain, to sadness, to anger, and the anger kept growing, until it killed the reconciliation attempt. My now ex wife told me at the start (dday) that she knew I would never forgive her or get over it, and I insisted I would and would fight for our marriage. She was right. It was too much too forgive and my anger was too powerful for our marriage to overcome. Some make it, some don't. If you can't get past it, and your anger becomes too powerful, just remember - it's not your fault. This was *his* choice. Not yours.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Your anger is valid.

You have EVERY reason to feel the way you do.

You played by the rules for years and this is how you were treated?

I'll say what others already have... use that anger and channel it
into something positive for yourself. While it's true that the person
you loved and cherished is dead, you survived and as the anger 
subsides, you'll eventually grow into the kind of person that you
can't even see yourself being at the moment.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just said he lied to me to give what I wanted to hear.


Almost as bad as when my STBXW told me she lied as she was "protecting" me and my feelings. Great she lied so "she wouldn't hurt me!"


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Healer said:


> This, unfortunately. I went from disbelief, to pain, to sadness, to anger, and the anger kept growing, until it killed the reconciliation attempt. My now ex wife told me at the start (dday) that she knew I would never forgive her or get over it, and I insisted I would and would fight for our marriage. She was right. It was too much too forgive and my anger was too powerful for our marriage to overcome. Some make it, some don't. If you can't get past it, and your anger becomes too powerful, just remember - it's not your fault. This was *his* choice. Not yours.


That wraps up the timeline darned accurately, at least for me. The OP seems to have hit angry at the beginning. Wonder if its a male/female difference?

SomethingsUP,
I'm right with you on the anger. Its hard to deal with, you just want to smash the whole world. I also understand about the timing, planning, and retirement conundrum. It truly does make the situation unimaginably hard.

The worst part is there is nothing that is going to take the anger away. My opinions may not be worth zilch, but I advocate wearing your anger right out where he can see it. He's got to know how you feel, and the you feel it constantly.

Let that anger teach him that he a created a new person. Changed you permanently, and against your will. Tell him that if he can't accept the new you he'd better speak up now.

edit: I just saw in your other thread your looking at divorce, so I guess my advice is now worth even less. Hope you're managing. Be careful running twice a day-- stress fractures, etc.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just said he lied to me to give what I wanted to hear.


Be careful about believing that. Very careful. 

Cheaters tend to say things in a rare moment of honesty they immediately regret.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Be careful about believing that. Very careful.
> 
> Cheaters tend to say things in a rare moment of honesty they immediately regret.


He retracted the "Okay, I f*cked her" within a half hour of saying it, said he told me that because that's what I wanted to hear. Said he lied for that reason only.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just said he lied to me to give what I wanted to hear.


 Oh hell no, that is the classic right there, been using that one myself since childhood. Of all the things to say to a person telling them they cheated on you is nothing to joke around or falsify for any end means. You have to make him own his words and under no circumstances acknowledge 1 of the following;

He is either telling the truth about lying to you and you will not stand for such hurtful and disrespectful behavior in the slightest. Follow this up with a assertive stance and do not relent either.

Or he is a big coward and can't accept that he hurt you for his own personal satisfaction. Offer him the chance, via an ultimatum, to either come clean or walk.

Your gut led you here, you gut told you something is up and the gut never lies, only people do that.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

something, 

How are you doing with the anger? 

~sammy


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> Because I am today big time, I just feel complete hatred towards my WH. I'm scared of this feeling, it's like I went from shock to devastation to depressed and now seething anger.
> 
> I just feel like I'm going out of my mind.
> 
> ...


with men its different....I beat his ass. With women they simply divorce.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Augusto said:


> with men its different....I beat his ass. With women they simply divorce.


Oh how I wish I could get my hands on the OM.


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## Citylinesox (Jan 31, 2015)

All these acronyms. What do they mean? Is there a key somewhere that I can consult so I can follow along?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Wideopn Dave said:


> Quote:
> "I invested 25 years of my life with him, raised our children and we were now working hard to focus on our retirement, I just can't handle this. It's like he died to me."
> 
> and
> ...


I keep thinking I've heard it all and then.... Bam! New ways to be revolted!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Citylinesox said:


> All these acronyms. What do they mean? Is there a key somewhere that I can consult so I can follow along?


Here ya go. Think most are hear. Some still defy me after a year around here.

OM, other man, AP, affair partner super common.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SomethingsUp said:


> Because I am today big time, I just feel complete hatred towards my WH. I'm scared of this feeling, it's like I went from shock to devastation to depressed and now seething anger.
> 
> I just feel like I'm going out of my mind.
> 
> ...


*Which initially, is perfectly normal!

In time, God wants you to extend forgiveness to them for their trangressions against you , just as He saw fit to fully forgive ours... but never, ever let your self forget what it was that happened to you!*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Citylinesox said:


> All these acronyms. What do they mean? Is there a key somewhere that I can consult so I can follow along?


A = Affair
AP = Affair Partner
BH = Betrayed Husband
BNO = Boys Night Out
BW = Betrayed Wife
BS = Betrayed Spouse
DDay = Discovery Day
DW = Disloyal Wife
DH = Disloyal Husband
DS = Disloyal Spouse
D = Divorce
EA = Emotional Affair
fWW = Former Wayward Wife
fWH = Former Wayward Husband
fWS = Former Wayward Spouse
GNO = Girls Night Out
IC = Individual Counselling
ILYBINILWY = I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
KISA = Knight In Shining Armor
LS = Loyal Spouse
MC = Marriage Counselling
OM = Other Man
ONS = One Night Stand
OW = Other Woman
OMW = Other Man’s Wife
OSF = Opposite Sex Friend
OWH = Other Woman’s Husband
PA = Physical Affair
R = Reconciliation
RA = Revenge Affair
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
STBXH = Soon To Be Ex Husband
STBXW = Soon To Be Ex Wife
TF = Toxic Friend(s)
TT = Trickle Truth
VAR = Voice Activated Recorder
WW = Wayward Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WS = Wayward Spouse

They are in the newbie thread in my signature.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I am now 1 year and two weeks (1/20/14) from d-day, my rage is the same if I sit and dwell on what has happened. I find that my WW affair is on my mind quite often each day but not as consuming as last year. I tend to dwell on things and I need to prevent this from occurring. I have leveled anger at my WW but not rage. In rage I actually don't know what happens, it's similar to blacking out, and I find myself in the garage with items strewn about. Rage in my case will be expelled on OM if I ever see him again. Unhealthy I know, but every bone in my body wants justice from him now. My WW has received her justice from me but OM, who was half the invasion force, needs his also. I perfectly understand the OM and I had no vows between us, but he made a conscious decision to have an affair with a married woman. OM wasn't forced, as my WW wasn't, to have an affair. And now the rage starts building from here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

altawa said:


> Oh how I wish I could get my hands on the OM.


I had a choice to stop him from ever bothering anyone again but instead sent him on a permanent sabbatical
I was lucky to have that closure


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

SomethingsUp said:


> Because I am today big time, I just feel complete hatred towards my WH. I'm scared of this feeling, it's like I went from shock to devastation to depressed and now seething anger.
> 
> I just feel like I'm going out of my mind.
> 
> ...


I got stuck in the anger stage big time. Good 20+ months. I was not a nice person... to anyone... privately or in public. ((and I'm a very nice person)) I wish now I had a video camera following me around!

I never realized I could feel the depth of anger that I did. The rage that I could get to. Sometimes I wonder how I made it thur. or how anyone could have left me alone, I was not safe. I had so little support system, I was on my own thur most of my healing from D-day.

Finally out of the blue, 22 months into this maddening raging anger period, I told a gf I need more help, and reached out to my dr.... I went on to anti-depressants. Slowly the anger and rage subsided, and I started to be able to control my emotions, but the cost of that anger... it hurt... I suffered for it.. my family suffered for it... my soul suffered for it, and I suffered from it, as I know I'll never be the same person I was before...

~sammy


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just said he lied to me to give what I wanted to hear.


My WW told me "I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you. I'd never want to hurt _you_."

I guess she didn't think that screwing someone we knew wouldn't hurt me.

We're all here for you. A lot of us know exactly what you're going through. When I found out I honest to God wish someone would have ran in the room and shot me in the head that very minute. I would have been so thankful. It would have saved me so much pain.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

altawa said:


> Oh how I wish I could get my hands on the OM.


I did it at his work parking lot with landing a right to create a nice black eye and I then faxed over 300 plus faxes about how he is a womanizer and women there should watch out. He called my wife about the faxes and how he was considered an "office predator" around women at his work. He threatened to sue me for defamation. I said that I have all of the conversations between him and my wife and he then knew I can prove he manipulated her. And I also told him I can sue him in our state for the affair. Never heard from him again even after I dented his car with my 9 iron.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Augusto said:


> I did it at his work parking lot with landing a right to create a nice black eye and I then faxed over 300 plus faxes about how he is a womanizer and women there should watch out. He called my wife about the faxes and how he was considered an "office predator" around women at his work. He threatened to sue me for defamation. I said that I have all of the conversations between him and my wife and he then knew I can prove he manipulated her. And I also told him I can sue him in our state for the affair. Never heard from him again even after I dented his car with my 9 iron.


This is what I mean.

Honestly, the OM from my incident isn't out of the woods. I am stationed away from where we grew up. Our families are both still back there. It is not impossible that I will run across him at some point. I have a long memory and a penchant for not being nice.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> Okay, I'm just really falling apart today. You just never think it can happen to you. The one you trust the most in your entire life turns on you with no warning. WTF!!!!


So is he still cheating? If not, is he showing remorse? Is he an open book?

If I were you, I'd divorce. But I understand your feeling of the whole 25 years thing and retirement coming up. But still, I don't know if I could do it.

So is divorce something you have seriously considered?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> He retracted the "Okay, I f*cked her" within a half hour of saying it, *said he told me that because that's what I wanted to hear. Said he lied for that reason only*.


Bullsh*t


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## Engneer (Jun 26, 2011)

IIJokerII said:


> Good your angry, now refocus that anger towards your husband. It is obvious you know the details from the level of your anger, now it is time to go on the offensive. Fun Fact; Men tend to fold like chairs against a highly aggressive woman.
> 
> Now.... Are you prepared to kick some a55, Now get up, get up. Ready to battle! Yes you are, now get the fvck up!!!!


In my experience this is WRONG. Holding onto the hate, anger and bitterness will only lead to one thing. YOU ALONE.

This sucks, BUT YOU WILL HEAL. There will come a time when this will be different. I'm sorry this happened. Learn, heal and move on, but LET GO OF THE ANGER...at least in my view.

Also, in my view you need to heal, not drool on yourself. Stay AWAY from pills.


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## Engneer (Jun 26, 2011)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Eventually you'll realize that your husband isn't dead. You'll realize that the man you loved wasn't ever actually real.
> 
> Can you love the person who is really there?


LOL...Again, I disagree. I think the man you loved was real, but he lost his way. Maybe things WOULD be different, but YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GO BACK.

Move on...LOVE him. I bet he is very wrecked too, but he is gone and you DESERVE to move forward and have good feelings again.


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## HypnoHealer (Feb 14, 2014)

First read: Sex at Dawn, prehistoric origins of modern sexuality.

Next ask yourself: Is there someone you have been sexually attracted to other than your husband in the course of your marriage.

Is there someone now you find attractive?

Ask your husband to bring a man you find attractive to your bed.

I find life is lessons. "God" cares enough to give you the lessons, most seem impossible to deal with, all are enlightening when you get the lesson and transcend.

Here's the lesson. Now what are you going to do?

But do read the book first. It is an eye opener.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why is this thread particularly suddenly generating such ludicrous comments and advice?


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## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

been divorced for just over 3 months now and i still get friggan angry whenever i see her or hear her name. that makes it tough when i go pick up the kids (we had 4 of them) for my weekend visits. we try not to do/say anything in front of the children (and succeed 90% of the time). it still stings that my 9 yr old daughter has none of my dna. i found that out in the divorce proceedings. her response- 'yeah, my bad, sorry.' i mean i love that kid, held her as a baby and she is a part of my heart, but accepting the fact that for nine years my spouse had an extensive affair still gets my blood boiling. been to therapy to try and not get so mad, but that aint helping.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I understand how you feel. Sometimes it is just hard to get over the hurt.

I cannot let go of my husbands cheating. Out of the 9 months he carried on with his "soul mate" there is one date I cannot forgive/forget and that was my birthday. We were supposedly working on the marriage, had a nice dinner out etc., then he got on his computer for a few and there it was - personal porn for him from her. I went off on him like a mad woman. His reason was he did not get that at home. I am still very angry over that. I am more mad at myself for not walking out that night.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Let the anger run through you. Through you and out. It's process. The anger will leave it's mark, but it is there for a reason. And keep an eye on it, right? Don't let it ruin your life. That would just compound the wrong. In time it will dissipate, but it will always be there in some place that you will find from time to time. Like when you walk downstairs in the morning and plant your heel in a pile of dog poo. That was not how I wanted to start the day. But it doesn't ruin the day.


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## Jacint (Feb 5, 2015)

Hi.
Been in a similar situation. Looks like the world is over. Nothing was worth it, all was tasteless, life made no sense. I thought of ending it all. Then I thought of the people who love me and need me. 
It'll take time. Time's your worst enemy now. Let the anger out, talk to people, go out. They gave this advice to me, though I just felt like curling up in bed and drying. Don't make the same mistake. Gather your strengths and go out. Things will happen. You can find someone who needs help. You'll chat with someone. One thing brings another. That's advancing. Staying at home won't bring changes.
I thought I'd never find anybody else; I thought I'd remain alone the rest of my life. Use networks like pof.com. It saved me. YOu'll need to know the grain from the chaff. Now I've found several people, and the one I'm currently with is much better than the one who hurt me. Gather strength from weakness, prop on people, friends and family are your best allies now. And some strangers will prove so, too.
May my strength reach you and help you through. A big octopus on steroids hug.


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## pattyk (Apr 28, 2013)

Yes, yes, and yes! You are going through the grief process, same as if someone passed away.
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression
Stage 5: Acceptance

And we don't move through these phases in a linear fashion. So just because you may feel Acceptance one day, doesn't mean that you can't/won't still feel Anger the next day. We all grieve on our own timeline, too.

I'm dealing with finding out that my husband cheated on me, during our entire 25 year marriage, with prostitutes.
Some days I feel okay and some days I want to pull a Lorena Bobbit on him. 

Give yourself time, allow yourself to feel whatever your feeling, and look for healthy outlets like exercise, talking to a friend, etc.

Good luck to you, I'm so sorry for your situation.

Patty


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## Jacint (Feb 5, 2015)

OH, I forgot to say:
forgiveness frees you. You need to do it for you, not for him.
Anger anchors you to the bad experience and the past.
Free yourself (easier said than done, I know.)


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

It's been over two decades since my betrayal and I still don't feel like I've mastered my anger/bitterness situation. Though I still struggle I have more hindsight than most posters here and I can offer these insights: 

1. Anger/bitterness only corrodes the container that holds it.

2. If I allow myself to dwell on the past betrayal it only makes me intensely unhappy even though my current marriage has been happy for many years. 

As a result of these lessons I don't permit myself to go to the dark place, but occasionally I slip up and need to refocus. I'm only human, but years of practice have made me better at finding happiness. 

Though I would dearly love to administer a dose of revenge it's always best to take the high road.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

First, I will admit that I am not a forgiving person by nature. That's an issue for me to deal with. BUT:

I think its the betrayal aspect itself that makes it so hard to get over the anger. I've been mad at people for this or that over the years, but it fades. Eventually, I ignore it and go on.

Betrayal, however, is a different situation. Betrayal is not inadvertent slip, an unthinking goof, or misstep. It is a considered action that violates a trust and agreement that is set upon knowingly. Intentional, and with an understanding that it will harm another.

So, anger seems almost a mild response to betrayal.


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## 'CuseGal (Feb 5, 2015)

I thought I was over my ex-husband's betrayals (yes multiple). I honestly was at a point where I barely even thought about him any more unless the kids brought him up. That's a whole different ball game, because yes, I do get angry with him sometimes for the way he just walked away from our kids way back in 2010 and hasn't seen them since.

But since it came out at my brother in law's funeral that he had been cheating on her to the point of actually having a whole other LIFE with the other woman - I'm absolutely furious at my brother in law for what my sister is now going through, and it's bringing back the old feelings I had regarding my ex. A lot of it has to do with seeing the way her children are getting hurt the way mine were. Both emotionally and financially. Mine were too young to understand what "daddy" had done. Hers are not. I won't go into details but imagine a scene with a wife and kids at the husband's funeral and the other woman wants to know who they are and what they are doing there, and this is the first time either the wife or the other woman finds out about the other's existence? And this is all taking place in front of the kids!

Oh yeah, I'm angry. Maybe more so than I would have been if I hadn't gone through it myself several years ago. But I do find that I seem to get more angry on behalf of others than I do on my own behalf. For which my ex should be extremely thankful.


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## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

Oh yes, all the time. How I wish I run into OM in my morning jog so that I can stuff the life out of him. I really feel that he deserves to die.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Hmmm,

Tom Eckert: We can't afford to be crying anymore now. I don't want either of you to ever cry for me again. Don't ever do it. Not as long as you live.

-------------------------------

Col. Andy Tanner: All that hate's gonna burn you up, kid... 

Robert: It keeps me warm.

--------------------------------------

Be honest... most BS get here at some point... Sad, but truthful none the less.


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## Brokenintwo48 (Jan 2, 2015)

Everyday I look in the mirror and blame myself for my spouse wandering off. And then I blame my spouse. Though things have improved in our marriage since I found out about the other person I still can't believe it happened.

I cry for most of the time. I just feel sick inside. But my spouse is trying to make things better at least we talk like we use to. I won and the other person is out of my spouse's life out of our life. I do find those disturbing thoughts of mean things I want to do to this other person counter productive. I just hope that person is in as much pain as I am. 

Personally, I believe in my wedding vows, they matter to me, especially the better or worse part. This person is divorced and I find it hard to understand why a person that has had a broken marriage wants to get themselves in the middle of someone else's. I could never, even if I have loved that person and that did happen to me, purposely want to get involved with someone that is already in a relationship. I ended it when I found out that this other person had a fiance. It just feels wrong to hurt another in such away.

I told my spouse what I thought of this person, that there was something wrong with them. Because to me it sounded like my spouse was being used by this person because of what had happened in their marriage. Kind of a revenge thing. My spouse stopped defending this person. Now we don't even bring the subject up. 

I find each day I can move on, and forgive my spouse. Now if I can only apply trust to that.


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## Jodelini (Apr 6, 2015)

I am still pi55ed off because my husband never came clean. He's no in his 60's and was with a 19 year old. sic. He was caught and says I don't know what to say and all that 5hit. Says it won't happen again. He's had ED for 20 years because of health issues so what the heck is happening here?
The world is not a good place. There is no place that is a good place anymore. My hurt is still there because I cannot get him to talk to me about it. Where is the understanding. I'm trying to but need info to gain some sort of understanding.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I'm 1 year 4 months on and I still have times where the whole thing p*sses me off. Lots of internalised stress.


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