# Seperated but not !



## Mrbig (Jan 11, 2018)

After my wife moved out a couple of months ago to live at her sisters house
( ..total shock... ) , we have been sharing care of our 2 children 50/50 she has given me a bunch of reasons that she has fell out of love with me and is done finished .

obviously i have been devastated by the loss of my 22 year marriage and loss of family and been doing therapy to over come the issues she has had with me that have led to the break up.

she now wants to move back home and for me to move out but live there part time so i can take care of the kids to fit around her shift patterns at work , 

in one hand im glad that the kids are back in there home full time rather than moving back and forth all the time but in the other i cant take seeing her without being in a relationship and feel the need to break contact with her to protect my own feelings.

At the same time i cant help but think she is giving me a chance to change myself and work my way back but without telling me so but there is a lot of hot and cold mixed messages coming from her .

She in many ways needs me to assist her to live in our home and to bring up the kids , i guessim looking for advice feedback on what to do !

do i stick it out go along with her plan , showcase my change and hopefully something will come of it ?

or leave her to it and claim my rights to see my children when i can , its not what i want but she did leave me . 

Ray


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You don't disclose much about history in your relationship.

With what little you have provided, there is no way I would live under that arrangement. We are either all in and moving toward reconciliation, or we are not. Basically, what you are agreeing to do is meet her needs for help in acts of service while your needs are... What?

No way I would agree to that.

Have you ruled out an affair? The fact that this was unannounced certainly raises red flags.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She left you. Now things aren't going so great and she wants to move back home and kick you out, probably under lawyer's instructions.

NO. do not let her come back. I can tell you a freaking million reasons.
Under no circumstances let her come back.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would need to know what the issues are in your marriage. She might be the person in the right. So, unless you share the reasons, there is no way that an someone who does not know your situation can give you valid input on this.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W left the home. From the sounds of it single parenthood is not for her. Next best thing is having you as a nanny to handle the kids and your STBXW continues on with her life/work. That's rich. 

Your W made the decision to leave. She should stay gone. Please contact a lawyer and know your rights.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

No I would not agree to that in anyway.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not a lawyer, but I would certainly check with one to see what your options are. She moved out and you are still there and now she wants you to move out but be available at her convenience. If you move out she may gain control of the marital home leaving you high and dry with no recourse. There is no way on earth I would allow her back into the house nor is there any way I would move out.
But beyond this, you need to stop trying to change to please her and resting your hopes on the slim chance that whatever changes you have made will bring her back into your life. What you need to do is to change for your self. If she see the changes and wants to be a part of the new you, then it will be up to whether or not you allow her back. 
Two months is hardly enough time to change, especially after a 22 year marriage. People don't just do that. You may think that her "reasons" make sense. I know I did. I mean how could I be such a putz to throw away a 24 year marriage? The problem was that I didn't throw anything away and neither did you! Maybe her concerns were valid, but again 2 months is hardly enough time to turn it around.
If I were you I would tell her no way in hell. She is the one who made the choice to boogey, and she is no longer your problem


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm not sure of your whole situation, but if you figure that you two are going to get divorced then it is your job to advocate for your needs rather than her needs. Looking after her is the job of a husband not a soon to be ex-husband. What do you get out of this deal?


----------



## Mrbig (Jan 11, 2018)

Sorry i will add some back story 

The main reason she left me was because i had a few losses in my life job money ect and alot of family issues i then suffered from depression for a few years and this led to me becoming socially withdrawn and basically doing everything at 50% capacity . so basically i was withdrawn from her friends and family socially and i didnt earn what i once did .


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mrbig said:


> Sorry i will add some back story
> 
> The main reason she left me was because i had a few losses in my life job money ect and alot of family issues i then suffered from depression for a few years and this led to me becoming socially withdrawn and basically doing everything at 50% capacity . so basically i was withdrawn from her friends and family socially and i didnt earn what i once did .


Totally vague. What were the reasons that SHE GAVE YOU that she left you? Surely you and she had a long talk before she left such a long marriage.
Have you ruled out infidelity, since it was a shock to you?

Unless you want to screw yourself over, you should not move out, and should not let her move back. 

A couple of questions: DO you have a steady job making a livable wage NOW?
How long were you without a JOB during your marriage?
What has changed about your DEPRESSION?
Who makes more money NOW?

Either she wants to reconcile, or she doesn't. If not, ask her to exit your life so you can move on. Regardless who is at fault, that is what is best for YOU.


----------



## Mrbig (Jan 11, 2018)

There has been no cheating on either side not that i dont trust that but she doesnt have the time . I told he if she did see anyone else i would have nothing to do with her ever again and she has told me there isnt anyone and she cant replace me.

as for working i have my own business but i let it run down so i havent made much more than she has for a few years .

this whole thing actually snapped me out of it and ive been getting help and im trying to pick things back up work wise but hardly the best time of year , she also keeps quizzing me if ive got more work or a job instead which i find weird because if i didnt want her i would not give s%$t .


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Have you asked your wife if she'd like to reconcile? 

If she says no, she doesn't want to reconcile, or even if she says she doesn't know (probable), you should NOT let her move back in, and you should have already filed for divorce.

If they don't know, they don't want to. If they do, they do. They'll screw with your head and keep you in limbo for who knows how long. Don't go for that. She moved out, so it's extremely unlikely she wants to reconcile. She simply wants to make her life easier at your expense. I wouldn't allow that. It's too hurtful to be around a woman that doesn't have feelings for you, especially if your feelings for her are very strong.

JMO


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she wants the marriage to end then she cant expect you to live your life around her. She is wanting you to still do the husbandly things but not be married. Hardly fair. 
if the marriage is over then you need to agree to having the children at certain times of the week that suits you both. 
I think she is asking you about work etc because she will be asking for child payments. 

I would be very reluctant to move out, its your home as much as hers. Cant the children live there and she come and collect them when its her turn to have them?

Tell her she is welcome to come home but you are not leaving, she what she says. 

Btw the more you have to see her the longer it will take you to heal.


----------



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

My first, very cynical, thought was that she is seeing someone and either the sister doesn't approve or she wants to keep it from her, so she needs to move back into your place and get you out of the way.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sounds like a power play !

Are you making any more money. And how about i move back and you leave!

I think it would be unwise for you to do anything without legal council.

You have been warned!

Proceed at your own risk.


----------



## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Stay in the house full time, never leave until the divorce is finalized and a custody agreement is signed. Screw your wife's schedule and plans.


----------



## Mrbig (Jan 11, 2018)

Heres the thing by the time everything got split and the cost of that theres no money in the house i have no problem walking away from the house she will need state benefits for her to live there without me paying for every thing and im glad for the kids dont have to be moved about .

If i go along with all this i get to see my kids on a daily basis but if i dont and go 180 
il get a visit from them every couple of weeks and i cant take that either , and if i do go along with it i have time to work on rebuilding something with my wife .

I know at some point i would have to give in on this if nothing happened but i dont feel like i have a choice if i dont try anything as i will allays wonder and i will lose my kids in the process.


----------



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I wouldn’t let her back period. What if you decide to be nice and say “sure, come back and we’ll work on us” only to have her call the police and say you threatened her or pushed her? You get carted off to jail and she gets the house. After that you have the DV accusation to deal with as well. 
Don’t allow her back. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mrbig said:


> Heres the thing by the time everything got split and the cost of that theres no money in the house i have no problem walking away from the house she will need state benefits for her to live there without me paying for every thing and im glad for the kids dont have to be moved about .
> 
> If i go along with all this i get to see my kids on a daily basis but if i dont and go 180
> il get a visit from them every couple of weeks and i cant take that either , and if i do go along with it i have time to work on rebuilding something with my wife .
> ...


There is no reason why you cant see them regularly. You need some good legal advise here. Yes you have a choice. If she wants to end the marriage then she will need to live as a single lady, and share the childcare with you in a way that suits you both not just her. Living with her half the time wont help either of you to move on and heal. Youboth need a separate home where you take the children. 
I think you would be very foolish to move out, the children can live with you for now. 

Please go and get legal advise.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Mrbig said:


> After my wife moved out a couple of months ago to live at her sisters house
> ( ..total shock... ) , we have been sharing care of our 2 children 50/50 she has given me a bunch of reasons that she has fell out of love with me and is done finished .
> 
> obviously i have been devastated by the loss of my 22 year marriage and loss of family and been doing therapy to over come the issues she has had with me that have led to the break up.
> ...


Uh, NO! I know what you are thinking but that's not what she is thinking. If you still want to work this out eventually, give this more time to face the consequences even more. If she wants to see the changes in you, she can see them still. This has all benefit for her and a lot of potential pain for you. I've been there, thinking that my wife would notice my changes but not in this state.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mrbig said:


> Heres the thing by the time everything got split and the cost of that theres no money in the house i have no problem walking away from the house she will need state benefits for her to live there without me paying for every thing and im glad for the kids dont have to be moved about .
> 
> If i go along with all this i get to see my kids on a daily basis but if i dont and go 180
> il get a visit from them every couple of weeks and i cant take that either , and if i do go along with it i have time to work on rebuilding something with my wife .
> ...


Total BS. You'll get 50/50 custody regardless. She abandoned the family. You're looking for every excuse to try and pacify her when you should be going your own way.

Never leave your home. Period

Oh and go online and check your phone bill


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you're not such a bad guy that she can't live with you and let you take care of the kids, but you're too bad to be married to.

LOL, and you think this is a marriage worth working on? Dude, you are playing right into her hands. And if you think she's not seeing someone else, I highly suspect you are wrong.

This reeks of infidelity, even if there is none.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mrbig said:


> After my wife moved out a couple of months ago to live at her sisters house
> ( ..total shock... ) , we have been sharing care of our 2 children 50/50 she has given me a bunch of reasons that she has fell out of love with me and is done finished .
> 
> obviously i have been devastated by the loss of my 22 year marriage and loss of family and been doing therapy to over come the issues she has had with me that have led to the break up.
> ...


*The latter, Ray! She abandoned you all for her own selfishness!

Stand your ground, and look after those kids! Their welfare is now your #1 priority!*


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, 

You're going to let her move back in, because that's what you WANT to do. BUt it's not the thing to do that will result in the least pain. IT's going to cost the heck out of you. Maybe cost you more than you can handle.

She has told you SHE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU anymore. All she is doing now is USING YOU. That is no way to live.

I don't know that she doesn't have good reason to have fallen out of love with you. But to move back in and tell YOU to move out, when SHE is the one that no longer wants to be married? Dude, you are really not doing the smart thing if you let her move back in. GO TALK TO A LAWYER!!!!!! IT'S TIME!!!!!!!


----------



## Mrbig (Jan 11, 2018)

Honestly the house will cost me nothing to lose and i cant afford to run it and raise kids on my own so im happy to let her take over for the kids sake .

in this country the women gets the kids if she wants them and a big fat welfare check she will want for nothing, women dont need men anymore for support the way things are and the culture and tv seam to enforce not working through problems just throw it away and start again .

i think everyone is correct about looking after the kids to suit her im not going to do it ! she wants to be a single parent so she will have to sort that herself but thats a killer for me as my family was my whole identity my life and now im got nothing.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Mrbig said:


> Honestly the house will cost me nothing to lose and i cant afford to run it and raise kids on my own so im happy to let her take over for the kids sake .
> 
> in this country the women gets the kids if she wants them and a big fat welfare check she will want for nothing, women dont need men anymore for support the way things are and the culture and tv seam to enforce not working through problems just throw it away and start again .
> 
> i think everyone is correct about looking after the kids to suit her im not going to do it ! she wants to be a single parent so she will have to sort that herself but thats a killer for me as my family was my whole identity my life and now im got nothing.


Sounds like you've identified the problem.

Does it sound healthy for your family to be your "whole identity"?


----------



## Mrbig (Jan 11, 2018)

I agree with that i have a big dose of codependency going on and this break up is the 1 st time i have realised it . I also know that that having this and depression has been the cores of all this and she has told me so , thats why i think shes waiting for me to sort myself out , i do trust my wife we have been happy a long time until the last couple of years.


----------

