# Anyone else deal with know-it-all, mexican in-laws?



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

For starters, I have nothing against Mexicans in general. I am after all, married to one. I am definitely not racist, I just notice the difference in different races and cultures. Now, my husband is incredible. And I partly think him being mexican is the reason for him being such a good partner. On the flip side, his mom and sisters.. I don't even know where to start. Don't get me wrong I used to love them and thought I lucked out with the best in-laws ever (considering always hearing people gripe about their in-laws). THEN.. I got pregnant. We broke the news and everyone was so excited, especially because my husband was 26 at the time and were shocked when he finally found me and settled down. I think the real trouble came when I told them they could plan the baby shower. That's what started all the drama. They just have tradition for EVERYTHING and think that's the way it will always be. They don't take into consideration that I am white and we have different tradition. I HATE the way they are so stuck on their traditions that they think everyone has to do it their way and if not their offended. So yes throughout my pregnancy there was a lot of problems because of that. Also because they would tell my husband all the time "she shouldn't be doing that, eating that, drinking that, etc". For the record it's also my first child and I am 20. I was the most conscious, aware, safe pregnant lady there is! Which just makes it even more annoying that they would tell him that stuff. Then of course since I've had her (she's 4 months tomorrow) they've all had their fair share of complaining they don't see her enough and they get mad that she only wants me or her dad and cries when they hold her. THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE. It is NOT my job to tote her all over town to go see them. If they want to see her they can make the effort and do the work, it's not my job as a new mother with an infant. I would think that's common sense, really. So what just really set me off was the fact that husband told me "You need to grow up, even my mom said so". Oh, he** no! ( I did get mad about something kind of stupid but regardless there are SO many things wrong with that sentence!) The first, being the fact that his mom, a 60 - something year old, has to be BABY SAT by her husband and kids most days because she is an alcoholic and doesn't do anything right! She is belligerent and causes scenes in front of her grandchildren when she's supposed to be watching them. Last fall, she got drunk, then used a ladder and fell and broke some bones. Guess what? All of her kids had to come babysit her for the next couple of months. That's only a few examples I've witnessed over the last couple of years. There's many more but that's not the main focus right now. So you can imagine how "highly" I respect her opinion ESPECIALLY on "growing up". Second, I have got to be the MOST mature 20 year old out there. Literally almost everyone I've ever met over the last years when guessing my age or finding out my age, they are mind blown to find out I am only 20 years old. They always tell me they would have thought I was 25-27 not because of my looks, but my maturity! I hate to sound conceded on this subject but every bit is true with no exaggeration! Third, if she was wise like most 60 year olds, she would know that talking down on me to my husband is only going to cause trouble in our relationship, hurting her son and grandchild BOTH. Let me break that down for you psychologically. No good can come out of her telling him I need to grow up. 1.That puts the idea in his head that I am messing up and that I should be better. 2.Then he believes the sentence, "she needs to grow up." 3. He will believe that everything I do wrong is because I need to "grow up" when in fact, every human being on planet earth makes mistakes. 4. He will say the words "you need to grow up" and believe me, we will fight because if there is one comment I DO NOT tolerate, it is the one quoted above. Why? Because I do not need to grow up. I am 20. I still have a lot to learn, there is no denying that. Do I act my age? Not in any way, shape, fashion or form do I act my age. I ACT 5 YEARS OLDER! As said by every stranger I meet! I am a wife, mother, and maid! And a da** good one at that! I take care of our child, tend to my husband's EVERY need and keep the house cleaner than when he got it! 
So, this is obviously more of a rant than asking advice but I would love to hear the opinions of others on this subject, especially those in the same predicament.


----------



## HumanoidStampede (Sep 20, 2015)

...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You deleted our other thread. It would have been better had you left it up so that people can we 'the rest of the story'.

As I recall you husband has been treating you pretty badly. So I guess you cannot expect much support from him and that's showing here.

You learned something important, when you tell someone that they can plan the baby shower, the are going to plan it their way. Your in laws have their own family customs. Of course they would follow their own customs. If you wanted one according to your family costumes, you could have had a family member of yours throw another shower doing that.

I don't even know what you think 'white' or 'Mexican' baby shower customs are because there are no customs in either of those groups that are followed all people in those groups.

You had a baby 4 months ago. Your husband is not threating you well. His family sounds crazy. Where is your family in all of this.

To me, you post sounds like you are having a melt down. I'm wondering if you are suffering from post partum depression. Please get to a doctor and get checked out.

Also, what are you doing for yourself? What special care are you taking of yourself? How much time a day does your husband take care of your baby so that you get a break?


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

This is a vulnerable time for you OP. Please get help from other family members or friends who support you. PPD can be debilitating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Maybe she isn't depressed. Maybe she's angry that her husband is spouting the words of a drunken mother and agrees with said drunken mother. I'd be laying off the house cleaning for awhile until baby is older. Husband can pitch in and serve you once in a while.
How much is your husband into the 'macho' man culture?


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry you are having a hard time with your family. I hope it will resolve soon. It is vague to me . I don't see clearly the reason you are having issues with your inlaws. Everything you said I s broad. They are Mexican vs you are white. They have thier way to do baby shower , they told you to grow up , etc. what I don't get here is why the mother or husband told you that you need to grow up. You keep turning around theses words without saying why they said that. Also like someone said here , if you did not like a Mexican baby shower, could not someone in your culture organize a baby shower the way you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

Yes, I deleted other thread because I didn't want my husband to see it if he finds this in my phone, not that I'm hiding this site I just didn't want him to read the way I felt towards him especially now that things are better. I would have never thought in a million years I would get PPD. I thought it was when you just hate life and want to lay in bed and cry all day but now that I'm thinking about it.. that may not be the only way to have it. Now I am considering that I may have it. I don't think I necessarily am depressed but it's quite possible I am headed there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Megan140 said:


> Yes, I deleted other thread because I didn't want my husband to see it if he finds this in my phone, not that I'm hiding this site I just didn't want him to read the way I felt towards him especially now that things are better. I would have never thought in a million years I would get PPD. I thought it was when you just hate life and want to lay in bed and cry all day but now that I'm thinking about it.. that may not be the only way to have it. Now I am considering that I may have it. I don't think I necessarily am depressed but it's quite possible I am headed there.


I think that you have some valid concerns about your in laws. Not the baby shower thing so much. But that your drunken mil is saying bad things about you and your husband is repeating it to you. That's also a problem with your husband. So don't second guess yourself too much on the fact that there are some issues there.

But I read a certain frantic jumble in your way of writing. It's more so then in your previous thread. That's what's making me think that you might be having some problems like PPD, or maybe just need a break from the demands of taking care of a baby.

Here's a site that talks about it.

Postpartum Depression (PPD) Center: Symptoms, Causes, Treatments, Medications, and Tests


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you have some valid concerns about your in laws. Not the baby shower thing so much. But that your drunken mil is saying bad things about you and your husband is repeating it to you. That's also a problem with your husband. So don't second guess yourself too much on the fact that there are some issues there.
> 
> But I read a certain frantic jumble in your way of writing. It's more so then in your previous thread. That's what's making me think that you might be having some problems like PPD, or maybe just need a break from the demands of taking care of a baby.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Having a baby is tough. Look into PPD and ask someone you trust to watch the baby for a little bit so you can take a break. 



I'm also white and married into a Mexican family(husband came to the US at 18). There are some definite cultural differences and a language barrier, but they don't bother me. My husband and I have our way of doing things and always back each other up first. He married me, so our family(him, me, + our son) comes first. He took his mom's side once and I made it clear to him that if he wanted to stay married to me, that he needed to support me, not his mom. He never did that again. 

You'll learn as a parent that you will always get unsolicited parenting advice from pretty much everyone, not just your in-laws. Your in-laws, your parents, strangers on the street, etc. will all try to tell you how to parent your baby. With that, you have to learn to let it all go in one ear and out the other. Listen to what they have to say, but only follow the advice if you think it will work best for your family. That comes with time as you feel more confident as a parent as your baby gets older. The first few months are really tough, so try to be nice to yourself. That unsolicited advice from people really made me question myself with my high needs, colic son, but looking back, I was doing just fine. You know your child best, so listen to the gut mommy instinct. 

PPD comes in different forms. Look up the symptoms and know what to look out for. 
There is also postpartum anxiety, which can be debilitating, too.


----------



## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Hi Megan,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I am on the other side: I'm a Mexican husband married to a White woman. I don't fully understand your backstory, so I won't treat our histories as equal. That said, I can relate in terms of some of the family dynamics. 

Many Mexican families tend to be authoritarian in nature, meaning "do as you're told" by parents (and in many cases even siblings) even when you're an adult. This has been stressful for me because my parenting strategies have shifted from my parents', which has been a source of stress. I tend to be science driven more than "tradition" driven, because I think we need to adapt to what we know now vs what we used to know. The unfortunate thing is that my parents viewed my wife as "changing me" rather than believing me when I said that it was a joint decision. 

Without a doubt, there are going to be cultural differences. That said, both cultures deserve to be honored and respected. That's for you and your husband to figure out, and work together to "stand up" to your respective in-laws. I've had to stand up to my parents when they've overstepped a boundary, which was hard because they'd threaten to end the relationship if things didn't go their way. BUT, I married my wife and I'm choosing to honor my relationship with her. I have to admit, I have agreed with my parents in some situations, and put my wife in a difficult situation. Looking back, I would have tried to do a better job of communicating a difference of opinion with my wife in private, and see how we could work through it TOGETHER. 

In any case, I hope that sharing some of my experiences can provide some perspective.


----------

