# I need some advice. PLEASE.



## kbmell (Oct 11, 2020)

Hi.
I’ve never thought I’d be googling forums looking for advice from strangers but please hear me out. All I’m asking for is some advice as I’ve got no where else to go to about this.

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2. We have an 11 month old baby and live a great life. I met my husband 6 months after he got out of rehab. He told me a few weeks into our relationship that he was in rehab for abusing pills. His parents found out about his addiction and after that, he went to rehab and was better than ever! Anyway, fast forward 3 years into our relationship and he relapsed. We lived together at the time at his parents house and I suspected something but wasn’t too sure since I had never experienced this first hand. Sure enough he relapsed on something harder, heroin. He broke down to me one day and told me about his relapse and with my support, he got the help he needed and went to a methadone clinic for a YEAR. I stuck by his side because that’s what you do when you love someone, right? I never told his parents about that and always kept it in. Anyway then we get engaged, buy a house, get married, 7 months later I’m pregnant. All is great!!! During my pregnancy, he takes up drinking. Got really bad one night when I was 6 months pregnant and was a total mess. I had to call his parents to help. He promised to change and it has only gotten worse. His dad was an alcoholic and is now 10 years sober. I finally beg him to see someone for help and so he does and the doctor confirms he has an addictive personality and he should attend outpatient therapy. He insists he doesn’t have a problem. It’s been a year and a half with the drinking and he comes home drunk after work and thinks he can get away with lying to me but I obviously can smell it and see it in his demeanor. His parents know and are fed up as well. This is an every day thing. It’s taking a toll on me emotionally, physically, mentally and I don’t want our son to pick up on this bad energy. I don’t have family in our state except my in-laws so I don’t have anywhere to go if I ever wanted to pack up and leave. I told him I don’t feel the same anymore and it makes him feel horrible but yet he still continues to lie and drink. The doctor said he may have some underlying anxiety and/or depression and seems to have a hard time coping with responsibility. He was raised on a silver platter with amazing parents who literally did every and anything for him except wipe his ass. He has a great job, home, family and life so idk where the depression comes from. I’m just very tired and can’t deal with this anymore. I’m a stay at home now because I lost my job to COVID. I take care of a baby 24 hours a day only for my husband to come home drunk and pass out on the couch. He took up boxing because he thought it would help him in replace of drinking but it doesn’t help. Someone please, any piece of advice helps. I’m in *dire* need.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

When I was in my mid 20's, I dated a girl with an addictive personality. She could be your husband's twin, personality-wise. Beautiful girl, charming and fun. Great singer too. With her combination of gifts, she could have been famous. Truly.

When I met her, she was getting over her heroin addiction. She really let it get to her and she reached rock bottom. She went to rehab and kicked the heroin addiction when few people can do that much. She was trying to rebuild her life, or so I thought. After being with her for a time, I realize that she is addicted to her pain meds, something that a girl her age should not even be taking. She was pretending to have fibromyalgia because, at the time at least, the disease was undetectable and therefore easy to pretend you had it. She was prescribed 150 hydrocodone per month and she would run out after 2 weeks. She would take her pills and go to sleep every day. One night I noticed she kept taking her pills. She was so loopy she had forgotten she had already taken them and she almost died from OD. That's when she decided to kick her pill habit. It was hard, but after about 6 months of work, we get her off the pills. 

So, now she has pills and heroin beat, right? After she gets "clean" she starts smoking more and going out drinking. I had enough at this point. We broke things off. I spent 4 years of my life trying to build something with this girl and help her. The last I saw of her was maybe 4 years ago. She's no longer beautiful and no longer charming even. She's bitter now. She lost her singing voice because she drank way too much. In fact, she was currently addicted to alcohol and would get wasted all the time. Not just drunk but blackout, passed out drunk. She has so much potential and so much life but she wasted all of it. She's never built anything with anyone. She just hops from one addiction to the next and she's ruined pretty much everything she's touched. 

Personally, I would no longer choose to invest my time and energy into a former drug addict even though I have seen some of them come clean and live a good life. People like my ex, like your husband, they don't come clean. They just trade one addiction for another. It's who they are.


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## midatlanticdad (Jul 24, 2018)

kbmell said:


> Hi.
> I’ve never thought I’d be googling forums looking for advice from strangers but please hear me out. All I’m asking for is some advice as I’ve got no where else to go to about this.
> 
> I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2. We have an 11 month old baby and live a great life. I met my husband 6 months after he got out of rehab. He told me a few weeks into our relationship that he was in rehab for abusing pills. His parents found out about his addiction and after that, he went to rehab and was better than ever! Anyway, fast forward 3 years into our relationship and he relapsed. We lived together at the time at his parents house and I suspected something but wasn’t too sure since I had never experienced this first hand. Sure enough he relapsed on something harder, heroin. He broke down to me one day and told me about his relapse and with my support, he got the help he needed and went to a methadone clinic for a YEAR. I stuck by his side because that’s what you do when you love someone, right? I never told his parents about that and always kept it in. Anyway then we get engaged, buy a house, get married, 7 months later I’m pregnant. All is great!!! During my pregnancy, he takes up drinking. Got really bad one night when I was 6 months pregnant and was a total mess. I had to call his parents to help. He promised to change and it has only gotten worse. His dad was an alcoholic and is now 10 years sober. I finally beg him to see someone for help and so he does and the doctor confirms he has an addictive personality and he should attend outpatient therapy. He insists he doesn’t have a problem. It’s been a year and a half with the drinking and he comes home drunk after work and thinks he can get away with lying to me but I obviously can smell it and see it in his demeanor. His parents know and are fed up as well. This is an every day thing. It’s taking a toll on me emotionally, physically, mentally and I don’t want our son to pick up on this bad energy. I don’t have family in our state except my in-laws so I don’t have anywhere to go if I ever wanted to pack up and leave. I told him I don’t feel the same anymore and it makes him feel horrible but yet he still continues to lie and drink. The doctor said he may have some underlying anxiety and/or depression and seems to have a hard time coping with responsibility. He was raised on a silver platter with amazing parents who literally did every and anything for him except wipe his ass. He has a great job, home, family and life so idk where the depression comes from. I’m just very tired and can’t deal with this anymore. I’m a stay at home now because I lost my job to COVID. I take care of a baby 24 hours a day only for my husband to come home drunk and pass out on the couch. He took up boxing because he thought it would help him in replace of drinking but it doesn’t help. Someone please, any piece of advice helps. I’m in *dire* need.


oh hon im so sorry. i have a dear friend that had the exact same thing, except it is alcohol and porn addiction.

she has a 5 yr old and left him when the baby was 6 mos. she tried supporting him and begged for treatment and about a year ago gave up trying to fix their relationship.

if your husband is anything like hers, the stress of being a husband and father was too much to fight the addiction 

please seek out Al-anon meetings, it will help u understand addiction and give u a support group. put yourself and child first


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


kbmell said:



He broke down to me one day and told me about his relapse and with my support, he got the help he needed and went to a methadone clinic for a YEAR. I stuck by his side because that’s what you do when you love someone, right?

Click to expand...

*That's what the truly desperate do when they're too afraid to do the heavy lifting of moving ON to a better, healthier, more authentic life - they weakly continue clinging like grim death to a loser. And sadly, that's exactly what you did.

As is usually the case, you now you have a kid with him and alll the legal and financial trappings of marriage and have now finally opened your eyes to the truth of what he really is.

Get to a LAWYER and find out what your options are. A consultation shouldn't cost you THAT much that you can't siphon off some household money to pay for it. Also, look for lawyers who offer free half hour consultations.

But you NEED to get to a lawyer so you know what you're working with.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

kbmell said:


> Hi.
> I’ve never thought I’d be googling forums looking for advice from strangers but please hear me out. All I’m asking for is some advice as I’ve got no where else to go to about this.
> 
> I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2. We have an 11 month old baby and live a great life. I met my husband 6 months after he got out of rehab. He told me a few weeks into our relationship that he was in rehab for abusing pills. His parents found out about his addiction and after that, he went to rehab and was better than ever! Anyway, fast forward 3 years into our relationship and he relapsed. We lived together at the time at his parents house and I suspected something but wasn’t too sure since I had never experienced this first hand. Sure enough he relapsed on something harder, heroin. He broke down to me one day and told me about his relapse and with my support, he got the help he needed and went to a methadone clinic for a YEAR. I stuck by his side because that’s what you do when you love someone, right? I never told his parents about that and always kept it in. Anyway then we get engaged, buy a house, get married, 7 months later I’m pregnant. All is great!!! During my pregnancy, he takes up drinking. Got really bad one night when I was 6 months pregnant and was a total mess. I had to call his parents to help. He promised to change and it has only gotten worse. His dad was an alcoholic and is now 10 years sober. I finally beg him to see someone for help and so he does and the doctor confirms he has an addictive personality and he should attend outpatient therapy. He insists he doesn’t have a problem. It’s been a year and a half with the drinking and he comes home drunk after work and thinks he can get away with lying to me but I obviously can smell it and see it in his demeanor. His parents know and are fed up as well. This is an every day thing. It’s taking a toll on me emotionally, physically, mentally and I don’t want our son to pick up on this bad energy. I don’t have family in our state except my in-laws so I don’t have anywhere to go if I ever wanted to pack up and leave. I told him I don’t feel the same anymore and it makes him feel horrible but yet he still continues to lie and drink. The doctor said he may have some underlying anxiety and/or depression and seems to have a hard time coping with responsibility. He was raised on a silver platter with amazing parents who literally did every and anything for him except wipe his ass. He has a great job, home, family and life so idk where the depression comes from. I’m just very tired and can’t deal with this anymore. I’m a stay at home now because I lost my job to COVID. I take care of a baby 24 hours a day only for my husband to come home drunk and pass out on the couch. He took up boxing because he thought it would help him in replace of drinking but it doesn’t help. Someone please, any piece of advice helps. I’m in *dire* need.


So my father was a drug addict, my brother was a pill and heroin addict. Both recovered thank God, knock on wood!
Generally speaking, if they get off drugs, they can replace it with another bad habit (drinking, gambling, etc) this happened to my brother. His depression might just be biological, or maybe he's gone through things you don't know about. Either way, he's going to need a lot of help, therapy, drug rehab, he should really be on anti-depressants. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it can be a long road. In the case of my dad, it got so bad b/c he was physically abusive with my mom. They divorced, and then he got clean after 3 years, and they got back together. He's been clean ever since and is like a completely different person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am afraid that you took a big chance on him when he was so recently out of rehab, but it hasn't worked out. I wouldn't bring up a child around an alcoholic and frequent drug abuser. The child could easily come to harm and what a terrible thing for him to see daily. There is no doubt that it will affect him very badly over the years.
I would go back home to where your family lives and bring the child up free from all this. If at some point he can show that he has been totally free of any alcohol/drug abuse for at least 2 years, then maybe you could think again, but making it clear that if it ever happens again that is it.


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## kbmell (Oct 11, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> When I was in my mid 20's, I dated a girl with an addictive personality. She could be your husband's twin, personality-wise. Beautiful girl, charming and fun. Great singer too. With her combination of gifts, she could have been famous. Truly.
> 
> When I met her, she was getting over her heroin addiction. She really let it get to her and she reached rock bottom. She went to rehab and kicked the heroin addiction when few people can do that much. She was trying to rebuild her life, or so I thought. After being with her for a time, I realize that she is addicted to her pain meds, something that a girl her age should not even be taking. She was pretending to have fibromyalgia because, at the time at least, the disease was undetectable and therefore easy to pretend you had it. She was prescribed 150 hydrocodone per month and she would run out after 2 weeks. She would take her pills and go to sleep every day. One night I noticed she kept taking her pills. She was so loopy she had forgotten she had already taken them and she almost died from OD. That's when she decided to kick her pill habit. It was hard, but after about 6 months of work, we get her off the pills.
> 
> ...


Wow. That last sentence gave me the chills. Thank you for sharing your story. It has been a very long road of trying to forgive and put faith in him that he will change but it never happens. At this point, I’m just trying to do what’s best for my son and I.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

kbmell said:


> Wow. That last sentence gave me the chills. Thank you for sharing your story. It has been a very long road of trying to forgive and put faith in him that he will change but it never happens. At this point, I’m just trying to do what’s best for my son and I.


I don't like to be the bearer of bad news and I know a bit about taking a chance and investing in someone when logic says I should not. That was just my experience. I don't mind helping someone fight their battles but with people that have addictive personalities, it's like you go from one battle to the next...you never really win. That's the worst part. You work hard to finally beat back one addiction only to soon have another problem replace it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I come from a family full of alcoholics and drug users, myself included for a number of years. He's been dealing with this for at least eight years, good chance things are going to get worse before (if ever) they get better. He will ruin your lives financially and emotionally if you stay married. Even if you want to stay in a relationship with him you need to divorce him to protect you and your child's future. Living separate lives gives you a chance to build toward a future without worrying he will destroy everything because of his addictions. 

Keep in mind if you do break up and divorce he will blame you for his continued downward spiral on you, but it isn't your fault. Go to some AlAnon meetings or web sites, you will learn some coping skills and what to expect.

Frankly he can't have a healthy relationship because he is not a healthy person.


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