# Drama between my wife, my daughter and her mother. Looking for advise asap



## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

So here is the story, i have a 12 year old daughter that lives with her mother who i hardly ever get along with after we broke up before my daughter was born. I married my wife about two years ago, she has three kids from a previous marriage who i get along very well with. At the very beginning my daughter started not listening to me or my wife and not getting along with her kids. Her mother i am sure brainwasher her toward us. My daughter's behavior have gotten worse and worse. Not taking my calls, saying she don't care about my wife. My wife try to reason with her and we even went to the other state she lives to talk to her and it blew up in our faces. Her mother started cursing my wife and that was it, ever since that my wife has been pissed and gets upset every time i call my daughter cause she says she don't care about taking my calls so why i bother calling her. I try explaining to my wife that she is 12 and my daughter but to her there is no point reaching someone that don't want to be with us. I would love for them to get along better and my family to get better. I have a new daughter with my wife now and i am totally in love with that little one. Any advise would be great by you guys. It would hurt me very much to break up my marriage over my daughter that lives in another state and spends most of her time with her mother to whom i don't even speak to cause she is a moron.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How about seeing a family counsellor with your wife? Ideally, it would be with your daughter too, but since she's in another state... You might be able to get some ideas from someone experienced with blended families. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you PBear that is a something i am thinking about. Even my family is getting into this, blaming us off course. Some of them are saying that my daughter is my priority not my wife, there is only so much i can do about my daughter as i have no control over her most of the time cause she lives with her mother who is a horrible person.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your daughter is your priority, but so is your wife...who is, after all, an adult!!!! 

You tell your wife you will not allow her or anyone else to write off this child. You tell your wife that the daughter you two have together means the world to you, as does your other daughter. You tell your wife that the CHILD, is being influenced by her mother and now more than ever THAT CHILD needs proof that the adults in her life will be there for her no matter what bratty-ass stunt she pulls!

That is your child! If you don't fight for her, just exactly who will?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How often and how long do you have your daughter? And who chose to move away? Your wife and daughter away from you, or you away from your wife and daughter?

C


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you Anon, i have been saying all along to my wife that my daughter is a child still and needs tough love. She don't get it, she keeps saying she will never change cause her mother is right in her ear. She even said that one day i will have to decide between them both which left me speechless!! I used to see my daughter every week or every other week. Her mother have always live in another state way before i met my wife. I was never married to my older daughter's mother.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Then you should follow PBear's advice, both you and wife need to be a united front and that means counseling to help you each wade through the real issue...and that is your wife being hurt by your daughters rejection. Maybe she feels like you should prove yourself more since your daughter rejects her? One thing is certain, your daughter needs you both, together,


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My mistake. 

You say "used to" see her every week or every other week. For how long? And what's the current state?

My thinking... It's hard to give "tough love" when you're not actively part of the child's upbringing. You're not around enough to give her consistency, and if you're not making an active effort to be part of her life, she's just going to write you off as a pain in the ass adult that she doesn't have to listen to. Because if she doesn't listen do you, what's the consequence? She doesn't get to see you next week? That's like suspending a child from school because they've been skipping class.

You're in a bad situation, and that's why I think you need professional input. Otherwise, you'll end up losing your wife and both your daughters.

C


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you Anon, that is exactly how my wife feels. She is very hurt about my daughter rejection and keeps asking what have we done to deserve it. I keep telling her, is her evil mother who everyone keeps saying have never gotten over me for one reason or the other.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

PBear, she lives with her mother in NJ and i live in NYC. I used to go see my daughter for a few hours due to my job. It is hard to give tough love when i am not there like my wife says but at the same time i don't want to loose contact with my daughter and i keep trying to make peace but nothing comes of it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

jay125 said:


> PBear, she lives with her mother in NJ and i live in NYC. I used to go see my daughter for a few hours due to my job. It is hard to give tough love when i am not there like my wife says but at the same time i don't want to loose contact with my daughter and i keep trying to make peace but nothing comes of it.


I understand that. But understand your situation. Being an extremely part-time father when the mother alienating her so heavily puts you at a major advantage.

C


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

MissFroggie said:


> There is no way that your daughter can't have picked up on your sheer hatred of her mother. Obviously she'll be taking her mother's side - she's the one who has been there for her and takes care of her every day, you're making yourself disposable.


I know you don't want to hear it, but Miss Froggie is 100% CORRECT!

This is the situation my STBXH now finds himself in with regard to his two oldest daughters (41yo & 25yo). Our 16yo daughter said her dad WANTS to have a relationship with them, but that they "hate him" and don't want anything to do with him. I told her that her father is reaping what he sowed; if he wanted a good relationship with his daughters, perhaps he ought to have quit cr*pping all over their mothers! Those women raised his daughters (single-handedly) and so, naturally, those daughters are on their mothers' side in this situation. She knows how her dad has LIED blatantly to her face about ME, so it's not difficult to infer that he did the same to their mothers.... the lightbulb went off for her!

You reap what you sow. Start over with your daughter RESPECTFULLY and try to start a more accepting/mature relationship with her mother. If your wife can't get on board with this, then she needs to stay out of it and focus on her daughter with you while you work on a relationship with both your daughters.

Best wishes to all of you in the long-haul.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Thank you MissFroggie and SlowlyGettingWiser, i know is not right talking bad about my daughter's mother but she always looks for ways to hurt me using my daughter. I will stop talking bad about her even though she always talks bad about me to my daughter. I just want peace in my family, i hate the drama back and forth. My wife has never tell me to abandon my daughter just to show her that there are consequences for her actions.


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