# How should I behave at the divorce court?



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

It is two days away. Monday morning at 9am.
38 1/2 years of marriage,but separated 5 times now. We both want the divorce but it is sad to see it end after all these years.
This separation is over me walking into her place of employment and catching her flirting with a male co-worker. We get into an arguement and she leaves me and moves in with our daughter. We have had an on-going problem with her being a flirt and cheat for most of our marriage. She won't come back to me so it has been I that has pushed for this divorce as fast as I could.
I have mixed feelings of how to approach or confront her at the hearing. I really don't want to say any type of goodbye because I feel that would be too nice because I couldn't do that without getting teary eyed. Part of me wants to be angry and say something vindictive but I don't think that would be wise. I plan on not making eye contact with her and not speaking at all. Any advice on what to do or how to conduct myself? I am very,very bitter this week and it will be difficult to keep my bitterness hid I am afraid.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I had to go to court without my ex present. Even though his girlfriend at the time moved in 3 days after I left, he was threatening me that he was going to contest against the divorce. My ex was a serial cheater and an abusive controlling person. I had to cancel twice because he was calling the courts and finding out the dates. Luckily for me, I got a call from a cancellation and got in without him knowing. My ex had already signed the papers with my lawyer and agreed upon everything. He was going to be a jerk and make things harder.

I guess he did in the end. He stole my checkbook and drivers license and took out a credit card and forged it in my name. I always had fabulous credit, so the limit was pretty high. He maxed it out. He also got out of paying 2,000 back child support by photo copying checks and sending them to the county. Oh, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with him anymore.

Please, let her go. There are much better women out there for you. Say your goodbye and move on or don't say anything at all. There is no reason to live in unnecessary misery. My ex was a piece of work. He's even worse now. He's cheated on his current wife 3 times that I'm aware of, I'm sure the numbers are much higher. I was so happy to leave and get out of that situation! I'm in a much better marriage now. Both my hubby and I are still madly in love with each other after 12 years of marriage. 

I'm sure you love her, but as time goes on it will get much easier. Try and find a hobby to keep you occupied.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go with a smile on your face and wish her all the best. give her the perception that you will be better off in your new life, and be positive in knowing she is now longer you problem. 

Don't let this define you. Bring her some flowers and thank her for behaving the way she does and the flowers are your way of showing your apreciation for her not changing and making you see who she really is.

My point is don't let her beat you, show her she will no longer be bring out the worst in you and you are looking forward to a better life. Smile and the whole world smiles.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Bartimaus, If you don't have to, don't go at all. You owe her nothing, you want nothing from her, so why put yourself through this discomfort? If at all possible, let your lawyer handle it and go do something that YOU want to do. I would like to ask the other posters about this question, Does a person HAVE to be present at the final divorce hearing? Or does it vary, state to state.?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Varies from state to state and the type of divorce (contested, uncontested). If settlement is agreed upon or not.

Lots of variables.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Bartimaus, If you don't have to, don't go at all. You owe her nothing, you want nothing from her, so why put yourself through this discomfort? If at all possible, let your lawyer handle it and go do something that YOU want to do. I would like to ask the other posters about this question, Does a person HAVE to be present at the final divorce hearing? Or does it vary, state to state.?


:iagree:


If you need to go, just be low key, don't let yourself get upset. Be corgial to your wife and her attorney.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I would first see if you have to be there or not. Ask your lawyer, he/she will know if your presence is required. If it is, then speak as little as possible to your ex, be polite, but avoid any confrontations or emotional outbursts, and do NOT respond to any she might have. I , personally , would not speak to her at all, but through my lawyer, that's what he/she is getting paid for.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Well, by his statement, the hearing is in less than 6 hours, so either he's decided to go or not to go. My ex wasnt there for hearing either, and I wouldn't have spoken to her if she had been there because there really was no need to. I can understand having to be cordial if you have minor children, because like it or not, you will have to deal with them on a regular basis anyway.


----------



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Well, by his statement, the hearing is in less than 6 hours, so either he's decided to go or not to go. My ex wasnt there for hearing either, and I wouldn't have spoken to her if she had been there because there really was no need to. I can understand having to be cordial if you have minor children, because like it or not, you will have to deal with them on a regular basis anyway.


As of 11am EST today 12-12-11 I am divorced after over 38 years of being tormented by her flirtings and cheating.
The court appearance.....I would not make eye contact with her in the waiting area/lobby though she was looking at me alot. She had a confused look on her face that I interpreted to be because she never thought that I would go thru with it.
In the over crowded courtroom,because the judge was 1 1/2 hours late,I was forced to sit beside her. She started to talk..telling me how that she still loves me and wants to be friends. She offered me a few dollars to help with my bills to keep the utilities paid (I am on a fixed income). She was doing her best to get me to accept her as a friend which I do believe was her way of easing her guilt...if I would accept her in someway then she wouldn't feel so bad! I told her to stop and I moved away from her as much as possible in the seat. We were not in front of the judge for over 5 minutes and he signed the dissolution and made it official. As we awaited copies of the court decision she stood there crying a little. I was strong and showed no emotion at all,other than to ask her to not cry. I held the door for her as we walked out of the court room and my eyes did not meet hers again. I did not look at her though she stood watching me walk away. 
I feel relieved that it is over...38 years of being tormented by a manizer that is addicted to attention from other men and had cheated and lied a million times. Though I may always be somewhat fond of her,I felt extremely relieved and light as a feather walking away from that courthouse. Now,thank God at long last,I can move on in life and no longer be treated like a dog.
Even in the courtroom she did say a few things to continue to demonize me and I am sure that in the coming weeks that will be her #1 priority,to blame it all on me for being jealous. She will do this to set our children up to accept her moving in with her boyfriend I know. Thank you all who have responded to this thread. Those of you who may pray...keep me in your prayers because I figure that she will now demonize me to get pity for herself in order to look innocent with her boyfriends and running around. Really expect her to go w*ore crazy after she gains our childrens pity and thinks they will not think bad of her for being with someone other than their father.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The hearing itself was bittersweet, wasn't it? Was it necessary for you to go to the hearing? But you handled it well, and you didn't fall for her manipulation like she thought you would. 

She demonized you until the last day of your marriage, and yes, she will continue to demonize you from now on. That's the way of the narcissist. From what you describe, she may have narcissistic personality disorder, and that's something that cannot be cured. She will never feel empathy toward you no matter what. 

Do you want to get into a war of words with your ex-wife with your children in the middle? I'm sure your ex-wife, who definitely has NPD traits from what you describe, will have no problem with that. 

She WILL have a succession of boyfriends, no doubt about it. But she will probably ruin each relationship, just as she ruined yours. She could be the cat lad in the future, who knows.

Take this as the first day of your new life. As hard as it is, you will survive this. I just said a prayer for you man.


----------



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Good for you!


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Nice job, Bart. Just excellent how you conducted yourself.
She is dead to you , now, Thank God. It gets easier with time.
What a miserable woman she is.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Good luck to you and your new , more interesting future. Now would be a good time to do all of the things you have always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were married to a shrew. Go out, look at the ladies bottoms, see all of the available, good , women who are out there, and take your pick. This is your Independence Day!!!!! Enjoy it!!!!!!


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Good luck to you and your new , more interesting future. Now would be a good time to do all of the things you have always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were married to a shrew. Go out, look at the ladies bottoms, see all of the available, good , women who are out there, and take your pick. This is your Independence Day!!!!! Enjoy it!!!!!!


Yeah, I agree. But, also try to take a look at why you tolerated this for 38 years. If you get a handle on that(as I have tried to do, myself), it may help you avoid this in the next relationship.
I amserious. 38 years of allowing this says something about you. I was had such a low sense of entitlement, I had to start therapy and look at my childhood stuff.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Sure, he can do all of this, but right now, let the guy enjoy a little "me", time.


----------



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Yeah, I agree. But, also try to take a look at why you tolerated this for 38 years. If you get a handle on that(as I have tried to do, myself), it may help you avoid this in the next relationship.
> I amserious. 38 years of allowing this says something about you. I was had such a low sense of entitlement, I had to start therapy and look at my childhood stuff.


Your right Arnold. Several reasons for me staying with her for so long. The main reason is a religious reason. We have been in and out of church alot but each time she and I separated I would re-committ myself to church and God and ask her to come back to me.
Another reason is that I don't like being single. I am probably a person that has more trouble being alone than most. I just like companionship and being in a relationship. And looking back there have been times that I was obsessed with her and our marriage. Though there has never been much loving communication between us and we were never what I would call 'friends', we were just lovers and husband and wife.
So I guess I have been more dependent on her than she has me. And for the most part I am coping well being alone and feeling better about myself and now having a life of my own...I do know that I better be careful and keep a wall up for awhile or I would fall in love with the first caring pretty face that shows any interest in me. It is so hard for me to be alone especially right now but I am feeling proud of myself for being stronger than I ever have in this situation.
And I am smarter about myself now. For example,in my divorced support group there are two women there that get my attention. One is a blond (I have a weakness for blondes,lol) and she is well..sorry to sound like a hurting divorced man,lol,but she is hott! A figure that would draw attention from guys all the time and a female that would wrap me around her little finger so fast that I would be in la-la land completely lost.  But...there is another woman there that seems to have the disposition of a good woman that doesn't have a wild bone in her body. Settled and somewhat composed and content and not in 'wantin' or jaded. My mind keeps going back and forth,,,which one would you prefer Jerry? Lol. Well, I probably won't try to be friends or anything with either of them (gawwwd that sounds stupid of me) because I know I need time to heal. But oh how I hope neither of them approach me...hehehe...I feel like a helpless rejected female with no defenses and would be easy game for either of them I fear. :rofl: Ok,sorry guys,feeling silly this morning.


----------

