# Not in front of the children



## lakergirl (Oct 22, 2014)

We are 6 days after a major blowup and things are still tense. In the car today he starts in with "I want to tell you my perspective" and I can feel he is about to launch into a whole speech. I say "Perhaps we should have this conversation without our daughter" because the 8yo is in the back seat. He continues "I just want to tell you my perspective" and he goes on to tell me how I am:

- enabling my teenager daughter
- encouraging her to be negative towards him
- that he is supportive of all of us
- that he never buys anything for himself so we can have more
- that I am being totally unfair to him

I don't respond, because (a) that will start a big fight and (b) I am about to be dropped off to work. I am silent. Because I don't think it is fair to tell him that:

- I love and accept my teenager for who she is
- my daughter feels negative towards him because of her own feelings about his own behaviour and I have nothing to do with it
- he may not buy clothes but he has a $60/week poker habit which is more free cash than I spend on myself
- that I feel I am being manipulated and set up by him starting this conversation in front of our daughter

Looking for perspective here. Was he being unfair to launch this in front of our child? I think it was totally inappropriate for him to air his perspective on our marriage & issues in front of her.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lakergirl said:


> We are 6 days after a major blowup and things are still tense. In the car today he starts in with "I want to tell you my perspective" and I can feel he is about to launch into a whole speech. I say "Perhaps we should have this conversation without our daughter" because the 8yo is in the back seat. He continues "I just want to tell you my perspective" and he goes on to tell me how I am:
> 
> - enabling my teenager daughter
> - encouraging her to be negative towards him
> ...


I would HIGHLY suggest that you take his concerns seriously and talk to him about those one on one, ASAP.

Most mothers think with their "heart" when it comes to their children and over protect them/enable them etc.

It's extremely unhealthy and quite damaging to kids.......



lakergirl said:


> I don't respond, because (a) that will start a big fight and (b) I am about to be dropped off to work. I am silent. Because I don't think it is fair to tell him that:
> 
> - I love and accept my teenager for who she is
> - my daughter feels negative towards him because of her own feelings about his own behaviour and I have nothing to do with it
> ...


I think you handled this situation well based on what you told us. That was not a good time to have a serious conversation, especially while he is driving. Next time say "honey, I would LOVe to talk about our issues/your concerns, but not in front of our child/right now while you are driving. Your focus when we communicate is as important as mine."

Something along the line, not offensive/defensive....right in the middle and most important "NICE".

Your concerns are as valid as his, HOWEVER. You are being passive aggressive.

Don't go back and forth, that doesn't address ANYTHING.

Sit down with him, as per my previous response to you, SET ARGUMENT BOUNDARIES, enforce them and talk about his issues (do NOT get off topic or bring up other things). 

Focus on the issue at hand. Ask him exactly HOW you are doing those things to get a better perspective.

You BOTH have to accept and realize that BOTH of you are doing something wrong. Because MOST of the time, in a marriage......it takes 2 to tango. 

Once BOTH of you start admitting to your own faults and start dealing with them and fixing them/working on them etc......that will probably be the turning point in your marriage. But it's not going to take JUST 1.

Both of you need to take your concerns seriously and work on them. 

Absolutely no defensiveness, rug sweeping, bringing up history/past events etc. Be positive/optimistic and focus on what you can do NOW and going forward to address the issues at hand.

Best advice I can give you


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

lakergirl said:


> We are 6 days after a major blowup and things are still tense. In the car today he starts in with "I want to tell you my perspective" and I can feel he is about to launch into a whole speech. I say "Perhaps we should have this conversation without our daughter" because the 8yo is in the back seat. He continues "I just want to tell you my perspective" and he goes on to tell me how I am:
> 
> - enabling my teenager daughter
> - encouraging her to be negative towards him
> ...


To quote the cantankerous Mrs. P from San Francisco, hubby doesn't have a spending or poker problem, he has a Not-Winning problem...

But seriously, y'all need to sit down and look HONESTLY at your budget and get REAL. I do not think it wise to argue in front of children. They need to feel and see a strong union between parents, not a protracted gorilla war. You might consider Financial Peace University.


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## lakergirl (Oct 22, 2014)

DoF said:


> I would HIGHLY suggest that you take his concerns seriously and talk to him about those one on one, ASAP.
> 
> You BOTH have to accept and realize that BOTH of you are doing something wrong. Because MOST of the time, in a marriage......it takes 2 to tango.


I agree with you. I started seeing a therapist a month ago to help me with my parenting. I've asked him many times for us to seek counselling together and he refuses. After the huge blow up last week I've asked him to get help for his depression and anger. I am afraid to talk to him honestly because when his anger blows he is scary, and he lunged at my teenager last weekend. I honestly thought he was going to shake her or hit her. He has thrown things and broken things in the past. He isn't a bad guy but really needs to address his anger issues & depression (can't get off the couch, full of negativity, no interest in sex, binge drinking)

I want him to get help/support (as I am ) and for us to get help together. For him to try to address all these issues in front of our daughter is in appropriate. He refuses counselling but tries to talk it out in front of her?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Look, we've told you in your other threads. You are going to have to give an ultimatum and show him you mean it.

So he waits to corner you in the car with a child in the back and even when you say not in front of the children, he completely disregards you AND... you let him. I don't know what you felt your choices were, but you could have a) repeated it again/louder/differently such as saying "I INSIST we don't discuss marital issues in front of the kids." and if you have to, add "I KNOW you don't want the kids to feel hurt, caught in the middle, uncomfortable, scared" or even just "it's HIGHLY inappropriate - any expert would agree". 

Or turn up the radio loudly (he'd probably get angry but so what - you are protecting the kids), or ask him to stop the car and get out (call a cab/friend/walk depending on your resources), or you could ask him to write a list you two can go over later. You could tell him he's *not* being supportive when he broaches these subjects in front of the kids where he knows you won't give him your side and in turn the silence implies to the kids that he is right.

Or - show the kids you are trying to be the adult and say "that is great you finally want to discuss all of this - I've been trying to talk to you for years but you keep refusing to go to a marriage counseling so NOW will you go? I'll discuss it when we go."

I don't see what you hope to change. You can't resolve ANY issue if he isn't will to talk about it alone. He doesn't want to change if he won't see a marriage counselor. He really only wants you to say he's right. 

How many more threads, how many more days/weeks/months/years? Same actions (none) achieve the same results (none).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lakergirl said:


> I agree with you. I started seeing a therapist a month ago to help me with my parenting. I've asked him many times for us to seek counselling together and he refuses. After the huge blow up last week I've asked him to get help for his depression and anger. I am afraid to talk to him honestly because when his anger blows he is scary, and he lunged at my teenager last weekend. I honestly thought he was going to shake her or hit her. He has thrown things and broken things in the past. He isn't a bad guy but really needs to address his anger issues & depression (can't get off the couch, full of negativity, no interest in sex, binge drinking)


He needs to stop drinking ASAP. That probably causes his depression/laziness and drives his anger.

I would put the hammer down and tell him he has 2 weeks or you are filling for divorce. Tell him WITH ACTION that you mean business.



lakergirl said:


> I want him to get help/support (as I am ) and for us to get help together. For him to try to address all these issues in front of our daughter is in appropriate. He refuses counselling but tries to talk it out in front of her?


He needs to deal with his alcohol issue first and foremost. 

Without this, there is no point of addressing ANYTHING else.

You are simply dealing with a careless/inconsiderate person right now. Mission impossible.


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## lakergirl (Oct 22, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You are going to have to give an ultimatum and show him you mean it.
> 
> So he waits to corner you in the car with a child in the back and even when you say not in front of the children, he completely disregards you AND... you let him.
> 
> ...


By the way I LOVE your Camus quote. You are right, I know you are right. The realization of my situation is so new to me and I am still coming to terms with accepting how bad and dysfunctional and how unhealthy things are. And he is telling me that it is this way because of me which is causing me to doubt myself. I am seeking confirmation that things are indeed as I see them, and that I am not the one solely responsible for the broken state of our marriage. I have no parents or siblings and few friends to talk to about this which is why I am seeking support in this community. Now comes the scary steps of taking actions so that my situation can change and be better for me and my children.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lakergirl said:


> By the way I LOVE your Camus quote. You are right, I know you are right. The realization of my situation is so new to me and I am still coming to terms with accepting how bad and dysfunctional and how unhealthy things are. And he is telling me that it is this way because of me which is causing me to doubt myself. I am seeking confirmation that things are indeed as I see them, and that I am not the one solely responsible for the broken state of our marriage. I have no parents or siblings and few friends to talk to about this which is why I am seeking support in this community. Now comes the scary steps of taking actions so that my situation can change and be better for me and my children.


You are on the right track and correct. You are at fault for some of it, as much as your husband.

Perhaps that's a good way to start. Tell him how wrong you are and in what areas and what you are going to do about it.

Then confront him (nicely) about things he needs to address (focus on alcohol thing).

You have to get over your fear of him though. You should not have to fear going to your husband and talking to him about anything (which goes back to setting proper fighting rules and following them).


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lunging at my daughter? Breaking things?



Insisting on one-way "discussions" in front of an eight year old?



He is broken. You and your marriage does not make him do these things.



You can right now search for domestic abuse resources, al-anon meetings, and for a free consultation a lawyer or two. Just talk with those sorts of local resources. Doesn't mean you are committed to it.



Not read your story, but my hunch is your words don't matter to him. The only thing that protects you and, if you want, gives him a chance at redemption, is focused determine action on your part to not accept his bad behavior in your and your children's lives. Action.


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