# Sexual Addiction or "just" serial cheater?



## DoveInTheMud

I found out two months ago that my husband of 12 years had had several drunken one-night stands over the past 6 years.

He cheated on me over 8 years ago after we went through an emotional crisis in our marriage, where no alcohol was involved, and I forgave him since we was totally remorseful.

The times he cheated on me in the past 6 years were all alcohol related. He actually stopped drinking for all of 2010, giving me a different reason (wanting to loose weight and seeing if he could do it), while secretly actually doing it to help himself from cheating on me.

Shortly after New Years in 2011, he went out drinking with colleagues, thinking he was fine, only to find himself naked on the floor of a colleague's apartment, making out to a naked, female colleague. Apparently they were too drunk to actually have sex and the other colleague had walked in on them and so they 'woke up' from their stupor, got dressed and then my husband called me, asking me to pick him up. He had earlier told me that he would stay in town with a male colleague as not to bother me at home late at night with beer breath.

So, in total, if he told me everything truthfully, he had slept 10 times in total with other women (8) and had only twice used protection. Add to this additional instances of inappropriate behaviour such as making out, touching women's breasts or butts, etc...

It was always out of 'opportunity', so not premeditated per se, but when he was out without me, drunk, and then women either hit on him or didn't refuse his advances. Usually, there would be months or up to 2 years between occurences.

I do believe that he was immediately remorseful and that the sex wasn't actually any good. It was plain lust. 
But that does not change the fact that he deceived me for all these years, that he put my health and life at risk because he did it without using protection and never gotten himself checked for STDs (we both had ourselves checked now and came out clean).

I do love him and know he is serious that he wants to change and never do this again. He also agreed to never ever drink alcohol again. He does not have a dependency on alcohol - although he most certainly absused it - and is also fine with other drinking around him when he does not have a drink.

My question, would it help him to go to SAA, or would he only meet other 'lustful' people there?
Or should he do a general 12-step program for addictions to help him with general addictive behaviour (used to do internet porn but has reduced that, too; also gets 'addicted' when he gets a new computer game), or should he do plain and simple individual counselling?


How can I know that he is seriously making changes and that I don't get a nasty surprise again in the future?


My world has been destroyed for a second time in my life (first time was after his confession 8 years ago), and it was so painful to go through that healing process, learning to forgive and re-building the trust. 
Since I love him, don't want a divorce, and have already decided to forgive him again, I am prepared to re-build our marriage, to learn to trust again, but I don't want to have to experience this for a third time. I don't want to be blind and stupid, ignoring red flags and allowing situations where I will be cheated on again.

Your thoughts and advice?


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## Runs like Dog

You can see they are tightly coupled to one another. His alcoholism drives another set of behaviors and while his sexual behavior would improve if he were sober they'd still be there. You say he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. This is not correct. A person who drinks to collapse and attempted public sex with strangers has a problem with alcohol. He is likely a blackout drinker too. 

So there's a whole scope of issues around that alcoholism. And a second of issues around his sexual compulsions. I mean alcoholics can do any number of things when they drink. He does THIS. So there's this whole other thing to be dealt with. 

It's not really a forgiveness thing and I believe you understand that on some level. You can't forgive someone through this. My layman's guess would be to address his alcoholism first and keep an eye out for any other addictions popping up in parallel. Then when that calms down a little bit address his sexual behavior and compulsions. Because these are symptoms of something you have no idea about. It could be anything. It could be a history of abuse or struggling with his sexuality or who knows what.


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## 827Aug

A good starting place for him would be individual counseling. A good therapist can best figure out where to direct him for more help. I do believe alcohol is a problem for him. He needs to leave it alone--period.

As for him having a sexual addiction, I'm not seeing it. My therapist and I are certain my estranged husband has a sex addiction. He simply can't get enough of the young women and having orgies. It really strokes his ego and he craves even more. Even though he can't afford the lifestyle, he refuses to give it up. He puts all of that above paying spousal/child support, rent, and other necessities. That's an addiction.


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## DoveInTheMud

Thank you for your input.

It seems to me more and more that it's more of an inpulse control thing.

He already agreed to not drink again - ever. I am still sending him to check out SAA, but at the end of the day, he may simply need IC for the underlying issues.

He did admit that usually, when he does these things, it's out of a sense of feeling rejected, depressed, lonely, bored, stressed, angry, etc.... So that sounds more like a complete make-over healing process, but hopefully possible.

Any other tips of what I can do to to create an environment where these possible changes are more likely to happen?


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## ClipClop

Are you going to stay with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop

Btw, how did you find out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoveInTheMud

He confessed.

We actually had a big fight/crisis about something else, and he told me out of anger in order to hurt me.
Guess what - it worked. I was totally hurt!!!

But I am also glad that the truth it out. I can't believe he lied to me all these years... I would have suspicions every now and then, experiencing emotional agony, but I didn't want to poison of jelously in our marriage, so I played tough and didn't show.
Or when I would show my jealously or discomfort with the way he was acting, he would either shrug it of, explaining it as harmless fun (which what I saw may be seen that way, but it still made me uncomfortable), or he got mad at me and we would have horrible fights that would leave me even more distraught.

I decided to give him one more chance, because this time, more than previously 8 years ago when he confessed about previous cheating, he is making more changes for the better, ...I just need to make sure he keeps those changes up and does not fall back into bad habits again once the immediate pain and awareness recedes.


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## Syrum

I don't think he has a sexual addiction at all. Nobody does anything drunk that they don't want to do, unless they are really completely out of it or raped. He sounds like a very willing participant.

He was drunk, some women came on to him, he felt at the time the risk was worth it. It just shows he did not value you or your marriage enough at those times. 

The real question is does he now value you enough to never do it again, and how will he prove that.

ETA: So he didn't even tell you out of remorse or guilt, he told you to hurt you. Nice guy.


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## DoveInTheMud

We finally went to our first MC session, and he has started to read several books that would be helpful in changing those aspects about himself. He also committed to IC, and to doing more things that A-make me feel more loved and connected, and B- that he needs to stay mentally and emotionally strong and healthy to prevent those situations in the first place, and to be more resistant in a potentially tempting situation.

I am very cautiously hopefuly, still fighting against fear and anger, but want to stay strong, vigilant, assertive, and will keep you all posted on further developments.


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## Grayson

If nothing else, have him read a book or two on sex addiction to see if any of it resonates with him (or you). After our most recent blowup, my wife and I were discussion what drives he to inappropriate conversations with other men, and I likened it to an addiction. She found a website dealing with sex and love addiction, took a self assessment and - according to it, anyway - she meets the criteria. She began attending SLAA meetings, and has shown marked improvement. She picked up a couple of te books recommended by the group, and I've read parts of them, too, and we both see very similar traits between her and the descriptions of SLA. Our MC fully supports her following through this path. Her psychiatrist, looking for a more clinical answer to her behaviors (since sex addiction is not a clinically recognized condition) believes that her behavior is born of her bipolar disorder, but agrees that, if she gets a benefit from attending meetings and following the SLAA program, then she should continue to do so.

From what you've described, I'm not sure I'd say it matches what I've read of the traits of a sex addiction, per se. Most manifestations of SLA tend to be a matter of chasing the euphoria that comes from a new relationship, an that doesn't come through in your description. Of course, that's not the only criteria.

That said, he may still benefit from SAA/SLAA meetings, as those programs are structured similarly to AA. And, based on your description, it sounds as if he might benefit from AA, as well. There shouldn't be much worry about meetings triggering him. If my wife's meetings are the norm, going into graphic detail is discouraged, to avoid triggering the other members' addictions. Many such groups also have separate men's and women's meetings. Even if he's not a true "addict," he may still benefit from the meetings, as they might help him recognize and break the pattern of behavior that's causing such difficulty.
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## annagarret

I definetely think he needs to go to AA. You have to ask yourself, and hopefully in counseling for you too, why do you stay? Why wasn't he scared ****less the first time he cheated that he would loose everything he holds dear? My husband told me once the very fear of losing me, our kids, our world we built together keeps him from ever entertaining the idea of having an affair. I don't advocate divorce. In the worst of situations there can always be repentence, grace and mercy but you have got to wonder why you haven't atleast threatened to seperate from him for a while.......to show him you mean business..........or does he know you will always take him back no matter how much he hurts you?


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## ItHappenedToMe

I'd recommend you go to Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends" and read her articles on sexual addiction vs love addiction. I bet it brings some clarity.

Grayson - thanks for the great info.


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