# Sexless marriage



## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

Hi everyone! I been reading post on here for a while but is this is my first time posting. I been with my husband for 22 years married 9. We are having serious bedroom problems. I?m not being satisfied like I need to be and it?s causing me resent my husband. I don?t feel a connection when we have sex. I?ve told him that before but he says I hurt his feelings. He thinks it?s because he has gained ALOT of weight and because we both had affairs. I?ve suggested that he see a doctor he says no. It?s a mind thing and he?ll get right. Which he never does. It has gotten so bad that I don?t wanna have sex with because of I know that he will cum in 2 mins. Leaving me un satisfied and very angry. We both have talked about splitting up but we don?t because we love each other so much. My question to you guys what would you do if you were in this situation?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Have you told him exactly what you want him to do? He should be willing to do oral, fingers, etc to help you get there.

Only thing left if you have made it clear what you need, is to split. And by clear, be very specific, we aren't mind readers!

Some times, the OP will drag their feet until the other is half way out the door.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TeeTee78 said:


> Hi everyone! I been reading post on here for a while but is this is my first time posting. I been with my husband for 22 years married 9. We are having serious bedroom problems. I?m not being satisfied like I need to be and it?s causing me resent my husband. I don?t feel a connection when we have sex. I?ve told him that before but he says I hurt his feelings. He thinks it?s because he has gained ALOT of weight and because we both had affairs. I?ve suggested that he see a doctor he says no. It?s a mind thing and he?ll get right. Which he never does. It has gotten so bad that I don?t wanna have sex with because of I know that he will cum in 2 mins. Leaving me un satisfied and very angry. We both have talked about splitting up but we don?t because we love each other so much. My question to you guys what would you do if you were in this situation?


Did he used to satisfy you sexually? If so when did this stop?

Who had the affair first? You or him?


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Have you told him exactly what you want him to do? He should be willing to do oral, fingers, etc to help you get there.
> 
> Only thing left if you have made it clear what you need, is to split. And by clear, be very specific, we aren't mind readers!
> Yes I have. We have tried everything including toys. He doesn?t like for me to use toys. I?m tired of being horny and the man I love can?t get me there.
> Some times, the OP will drag their feet until the other is half way out the door.


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> TeeTee78 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone! I been reading post on here for a while but is this is my first time posting. I been with my husband for 22 years married 9. We are having serious bedroom problems. I?m not being satisfied like I need to be and it?s causing me resent my husband. I don?t feel a connection when we have sex. I?ve told him that before but he says I hurt his feelings. He thinks it?s because he has gained ALOT of weight and because we both had affairs. I?ve suggested that he see a doctor he says no. It?s a mind thing and he?ll get right. Which he never does. It has gotten so bad that I don?t wanna have sex with because of I know that he will cum in 2 mins. Leaving me un satisfied and very angry. We both have talked about splitting up but we don?t because we love each other so much. My question to you guys what would you do if you were in this situation?
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You have to draw a line and be willing to stand by it.

He needs to get in better physical condition, not only to perform better, but maybe to live a little longer as well.

It really is a requirement to work at pleasing your mate in bed.

He decided somewhere along the way that you would not be a priority in the bedroom anymore.

If he isn't willing to prioritize your sexual needs where they need to be, then you need to be ready to walk.

Tell him to start working on it or you will have to start working on leaving him as much as it hurts because you are not going to be treated so poorly.


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## biwing (Feb 2, 2017)

My thought is that you two need to end the relationship imeadiatley as it is apparent that neither is satisified by the other, hense the affairs. You both have admitted to doing them without the other's consent so why stay together unless their are kids involved. even with kids, they will pick up on your lack of being a complete couple and have problems of their own from it. Sometimes it just doesn't work out!

If we buy a computer, car or have a yard service that doesn't work out, we move on and replace the problem. Sex in marriage is the same, You have to learn to deal with it or move on to another...............


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TeeTee78 said:


> He thinks it?s because he has gained ALOT of weight and because we both had affairs.
> 
> It has gotten so bad that I don?t wanna have sex with because of I know that he will cum in 2 minutes.


Each of those things can kill desire and connection in the bedroom which then can lead to resentment and disconnect in the rest of the relationship.

What has been done to address any of those issues?

Did you two undergo intensive MC and therapy to address and recover from the infidelity?

Has he been evaluated by a doctor and prescribed a treatment plan and proper diet and exercise program for his obesity?

Has he seen a doctor or sex therapist for his PE?

Have you taken an active role in seeking treatments for these maladaptions or have you been codependent/enabling? 

Each of these things are a cancer growing deep within your marriage and will spread throughout the relationship unless each of you take accountability and address them directly.

If it takes packing up and moving out and drawing up divorce papers until each of you wakes up and takes action then so be it.

Some times you have to blow things up before people realize the gravity of the situation.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TeeTee78 said:


> I don?t wanna have sex with because of I know that he will cum in 2 mins. Leaving me un satisfied and very angry. We both have talked about splitting up but we don?t because we love each other so much. My question to you guys what would you do if you were in this situation?


First you need to acknowledge that you are holding your husband responsible for making you satisfied and happy. When it does not happen you blame him for you being unsatisfied and angry. Continuing with that attitude during problems will only serve to destroy your marriage even more. At the moment you even started preemptively blaming him for making you unsatisfied and angry, so holy crap that is getting BAD! 

@TeeTee78 you need to work on doing whatever it takes to be a happy person on your own in general and then share that happiness with your husband. Ask him to do the same and make it a point to stop blaming each other when you are each frustrated with life. 

Once you are able to do that outside the bedroom, see if you can learn to apply that mentality inside the bedroom as well. Take responsibility for your own pleasure and share that with your husband. I have read many accounts of women that once they learn to begin with that attitude, that some huge sparks will begin to fly as intimacy in the marriage gradually improves over time as a result. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Each of those things can kill desire and connection in the bedroom which then can lead to resentment and disconnect in the rest of the relationship.
> 
> *What has been done to address any of those issues?
> 
> ...


:iagree:



badsanta said:


> First you need to acknowledge that you are *holding your husband responsible for making you satisfied and happy. *When it does not happen you blame him for you being unsatisfied and angry. Continuing with that attitude during problems will only serve to destroy your marriage even more. At the moment you even started preemptively blaming him for making you unsatisfied and angry, so holy crap that is getting BAD!
> 
> @TeeTee78 you need to work on doing whatever it takes to be a happy person on your own in general and then share that happiness with your husband. Ask him to do the same and make it a point to* stop blaming each other when you are each frustrated with life. *
> 
> ...


:iagree:

So much good advice. The only thing missing is a discussion on performance anxiety and the wife's role in that.

Good luck to the OP


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think he needs to be more open to pleasing you. Have you had a conversation with him about this? 

I'm not with those that say you are responsible for your own pleasure. If that's the case what do you need him for at all? I mean you can masterbate without him. Why would I you provide a vagina for his pleasure? He can just jerk off.

I know I'm not even successful at masterbating. I much more enjoy when my husband is in charge. I try to make things fun for him. While he certainly can come with only PIV. I adding oral, massage, anal stimulation to try to make things better for him. I don't usually have him come doing those things as I enjoy his penis. I don't come with only PIV. Toys can intimidate men especially dildo's. My favorite duo toy is a we-vibe. It will stimulate your gspot and clitoris but it is designed for PIV while using. My hubby will insert it give me a head start. I'll often times give him some oral while he uses fingers to continue stimulation. Once I'm close I'll initiate PIV or PIA and we have good chance of coming together.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

anastasia6 said:


> I'm not with those that say you are responsible for your own pleasure. If that's the case what do you need him for at all? I mean you can masterbate without him. Why would I you provide a vagina for his pleasure? He can just jerk off.


Being responsible for your own pleasure with your spouse is about "sharing" and masturbation is about being "selfish" which are two completely different things. 

For example if I take responsibility for my own pleasure when I am being intimate in my marriage... This means I am NOT going to sit back being completely cold and wait for my spouse to do everything from zero for me. It simply means that I am proactive and take the initiative to _share_ with my wife why in a loving way that I enjoy being with her. She can choose of her own free will as to how she wants to respond to that and share herself with me similarly within the context of a loving and respectful marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

badsanta said:


> anastasia6 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not with those that say you are responsible for your own pleasure. If that's the case what do you need him for at all? I mean you can masterbate without him. Why would I you provide a vagina for his pleasure? He can just jerk off.
> ...


I think you are taking the concept of "responsible for your own pleasure" way too far. Women who enjoy intercourse are NOT going to be satisfied with literally 2 minutes of it. I know I would not be. Intercourse is something two people do together, and only experiencing 2 minutes of it ever with a partner is not really something that can be overcome with advice of take responsibility for your own pleasure.


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> TeeTee78 said:
> 
> 
> > He thinks it?s because he has gained ALOT of weight and because we both had affairs.
> ...



We did attempt MC but he didn’t wanna go anymore because he said it was a waste of time. Only hung we’ve done was talk our problems out and which he constantly brings it up. He refuses to go to a sex therapist. He made an appt to see a doctor about his weight and to get him on a diet and exercise plan. I suggested we divorce because our marriage is too far damaged. He said Me and the kids all he got after losing his parents.


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

Livvie said:


> badsanta said:
> 
> 
> > anastasia6 said:
> ...


Thanks for the advice


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Livvie said:


> I think you are taking the concept of *"responsible for your own pleasure" *way too far. Women who enjoy intercourse are NOT going to be satisfied with literally 2 minutes of it. I know I would not be. Intercourse is something two people do together, and only experiencing 2 minutes of it ever with a partner is not really something that can be overcome with advice of take responsibility for your own pleasure.


I agree with Bad Santa.

I learned the hard way after reading Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage, and David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage that one needs to take responsibility for all aspects of one's life, including sex. Most of us are born into this world alone and one by one and most of us leave this life one by one. In between we find people we associate with, for various kinds of relationship and work to make ourselves as happy and fulfilled as we can.

If I will not stand up for myself and express my needs, who will? My spouse is not a mind reader and playing an adult form of "20 questions" is not a very considerate game when sexual rejection is the alternative to guess correctly.

The extreme in the other direction is co-dependence. Most of the sexual sex education books, I have read stress the need to explore your own sexuality with yourself, before you explore it with your partner. They generally stress that if you don't know what you want/need, how can you tell and guide your partner to satisfy you. 

One vote for taking responsibility for your own orgasms and sexual satisfaction. That means to me that you actively learn, explain and coach your partner on what you need. 

We can agree to disagree.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Do you want to stay married? Marriage is about more than sex but you guys have also had affairs. You say you've talked but he against toys. What is he willing to do? You don't owe him one sided sex. It may hurt his feelings but I'm sure he wants sex. If he's not willing to go to counseling. What does he propose? Sexless marriage? 2 minute sex?

You also don't need to stay in a broken marriage because he lost his parents. 

If you love him and want to work on a mutually respectful relationship then you guys will have to learn how to communicate.

If he isn't willing then you have to decide what you will do.

How old are you kids?


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

anastasia6 said:


> Do you want to stay married? Marriage is about more than sex but you guys have also had affairs. You say you've talked but he against toys. What is he willing to do? You don't owe him one sided sex. It may hurt his feelings but I'm sure he wants sex. If he's not willing to go to counseling. What does he propose? Sexless marriage? 2 minute sex?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He wants us to continue like we are. Which it leads to more arguments and talks about how to fix it. Do I wanna stay married? That’s a good question, I would love too. We do have fun together. We’ve been together 22 years. Our kids are 19 and 17.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

TeeTee78, I am hearing that you need to be responsible for your sexual pleasure which to me doesn't leave your H off the hook for helping you get there during sex. He needs to work with you to solve this 2 minuet issue and last longer or do things with your help so sex is satisfying for you. I know it can be difficult to ask and expect what you want and need sexually. In some respects you need to have what is called a "healthy-selfish" approach to sex so you get some more of what you want and need.

I will ask why he last only 2 minuets? I have read that rarely having sex leads to finishing fast. That premature ejaculation (PE) could be an issue and the the many issues and shame issues from childhood could lead to quick sex.

I will suggest telling your H that you would like sex more if YOU got more out of sex, other wise let him know your frequency preferences will diminish. Just say it is difficult to continue at the current rate and it is leaving you empty and frustrated.

As a man I would feel short changed if sex only lasted 2 minuets. My W wanted to get it over with several times so I know what the 2 minuet drill is like. I need at least some warm-up time before having sex and then 20 to 30 minuets of action, some gentle and some much more active. 

Of course in the general scheme of things, it is also what the woman wants and needs so my likes do not always count as the pattern to follow.


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

anastasia6 said:


> I think he needs to be more open to pleasing you. Have you had a conversation with him about this?
> 
> I'm not with those that say you are responsible for your own pleasure. If that's the case what do you need him for at all? I mean you can masterbate without him. Why would I you provide a vagina for his pleasure? He can just jerk off.
> 
> I know I'm not even successful at masterbating. I much more enjoy when my husband is in charge. I try to make things fun for him. While he certainly can come with only PIV. I adding oral, massage, anal stimulation to try to make things better for him. I don't usually have him come doing those things as I enjoy his penis. I don't come with only PIV. Toys can intimidate men especially dildo's. My favorite duo toy is a we-vibe. It will stimulate your gspot and clitoris but it is designed for PIV while using. My hubby will insert it give me a head start. I'll often times give him some oral while he uses fingers to continue stimulation. Once I'm close I'll initiate PIV or PIA and we have good chance of coming together.



Thanks for the advice. I have several toys but I check that one out.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

When you guys talk about your problems. Is sex the main issue? Why does he bring it up so frequently? Do you set aside no threatening times last like a quiet lunch together? 

The point of counseling is to help keep talk constructive, and to try to lessen hurt feelings. So if he doesn't want to do counseling, and talking about lack of satisfactory sex hurts his feelings what does he want to talk about? What is he trying resolve when he talks?


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

Handy said:


> TeeTee78, I am hearing that you need to be responsible for your sexual pleasure which to me doesn't leave your H off the hook for helping you get there during sex. He needs to work with you to solve this 2 minuet issue and last longer or do things with your help so sex is satisfying for you. I know it can be difficult to ask and expect what you want and need sexually. In some respects you need to have what is called a "healthy-selfish" approach to sex so you get some more of what you want and need.
> 
> I will ask why he last only 2 minuets? I have read that rarely having sex leads to finishing fast. That premature ejaculation (PE) could be an issue and the the many issues and shame issues from childhood could lead to quick sex.
> 
> ...


He say it’s because he under a lot pressure. We did talk this morning and I did suggest we work on a few things so he agreed to give it a try. So we’ll see how it goes.


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

anastasia6 said:


> When you guys talk about your problems. Is sex the main issue? Why does he bring it up so frequently? Do you set aside no threatening times last like a quiet lunch together?
> 
> The point of counseling is to help keep talk constructive, and to try to lessen hurt feelings. So if he doesn't want to do counseling, and talking about lack of satisfactory sex hurts his feelings what does he want to talk about? What is he trying resolve when he talks?



We do go lunch dates and date night at home sometimes. We do talk about other things besides sex. Because we’ve talked about it so much. Til we decided to just go with the flow and enjoy each other without the topic of sex. When we do talk about it sex it’s always the same thing.


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