# Do you consider this cheating?



## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

I have been reading TAM for 2 years now. Some of the comments made on TAM have got me wondering about something.

After I caught my Ex-H's 2nd affair he moved out and in with the OW for about 8 months. During that time period, I slept with an old boyfriend twice. I haven't really felt guilty about it since we were officially separated, and I thought headed for divorce, but now I wonder. Would you consider this cheating?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn't consider it cheating because you were seperated and he was in a sexual relationship with another woman.

Many here are over the top about "infidelity" though so prepare yourself for a bit of irrational abuse.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Baseballmom6 said:


> I have been reading TAM for 2 years now. Some of the comments made on TAM have got me wondering about something.
> 
> After I caught my Ex-H's 2nd affair he moved out and in with the OW for about 8 months. During that time period, I slept with an old boyfriend twice. I haven't really felt guilty about it since we were officially separated, and I thought headed for divorce, but now I wonder. Would you consider this cheating?


You were officially divorced, he was living with another woman (regardless of it being his AP).

Not cheating in my book.

There is the issue that, yes you're technically still married, so SOME would call it cheating....but at that point...I would consider you a free agent in that situation.

PS I tend to have pretty firm opinions on this issue, but I still consider them reasonable.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Separated and headed for divorce? No, not cheating in my mind. The table was set for moving on. That is what you were working towards.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

you mean you treated the marriage with as much regard as he did at the time?

not cheating as far as im concerned. 
just being fair.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you're in a relationship that is understood to be monogamous and you're with someone else, it's cheating.

When you're separated, there is no relationship. However, if you're separated with the understanding it's for a limited time to work on the relationship, then it would be cheating imo.

You were separated. There was no agreement to work on the relationship, obviously, since he was with someone else.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

yeah, I don't think your husband had the assumption of your monogamy if he's out shacking up with another woman. So no cheating.

If he did assume that, he's a lunatic.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Yes, it's cheating.

You had sex with a man who was NOT your husband.

You ARE a cheater.

How does that transcend in the traditional sense? Extenuating circumstances, that's how.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Once your husband left the marital home to shack up with the OW all vows went out the window. You are no cheater.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Once your husband left the marital home to shack up with the OW all vows went out the window. You are no cheater.


I agree. I'm not one of those people that think the divorce has to be final to move on.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

He was shacked up with his skànk.

What are you supposed to do? Twiddle your thumbs till he decides to come home and share his newly acquired STDs?

You can call what you did whatever you like,, but it was righteous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You were still married and had not filed for divorce. Legally it's cheating. If you live in a state that allows for adultery as grounds for divorce, it could be used against you. But then you could use his adultery against him.

But the more practical side of me says.. who cares. He is a serial cheater who was living with his skank.

Are you feeling guilty now? Is he back in your life? Or have you filed for divorce yet?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> He was shacked up with his skànk.
> 
> What are you supposed to do? Twiddle your thumbs till he decides to come home and share his newly acquired STDs?
> 
> ...


You gotta appreciate this response ! Yep.. I would take this attitude too.. I mean that seriously. Not cheating in my book.. He brought the ruins to your marriage.. so yeah.. the relationship was already over by his Betrayal... 

The moral high ground is to be officially divorced before anyone sleeps with anyone else of course... but sometimes you get lonely....it happens.. I can understand this human weakness.. and I sure wouldn't think lowly of someone in YOUR shoes doing what you did.. after a Betrayal as such... those are just my personal thoughts.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No, it's not cheating. Cheating requires a victim. Your "victim" was shacked up with some other woman at the time. You weren't giving up anything your husband was interested in preserving or having at the time.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Baseballmom6 said:


> I have been reading TAM for 2 years now. Some of the comments made on TAM have got me wondering about something.
> 
> After I caught my Ex-H's 2nd affair he moved out and in with the OW for about 8 months. During that time period, I slept with an old boyfriend twice. I haven't really felt guilty about it since we were officially separated, and I thought headed for divorce, but now I wonder. Would you consider this cheating?


Nope that's not cheating. Not in any stretch or perversion of the concept can that be considered cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Baseballmom6 said:


> I have been reading TAM for 2 years now. Some of the comments made on TAM have got me wondering about something.
> 
> After I caught my Ex-H's 2nd affair he moved out and in with the OW for about 8 months. During that time period, I slept with an old boyfriend twice. I haven't really felt guilty about it since we were officially separated, and I thought headed for divorce, but now I wonder. Would you consider this cheating?


Nope. And, as I recall, you were up front w/ him about it after he came back home... right? Or am I thinking of someone else?


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

Would not consider it cheating.. I know there are some states that have super old laws on this (I have no idea which ones...) but that would make him the cheater in that situation. He abandoned your marriage and lived with someone else.

That would be a lot easier to prove than you having some ummm revenge sex??

I don't think it's the healthiest thing, but not cheating...


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

Nope, not cheating. If my husband was shacked up with some skank you bet your a*s I'd be out having my fun too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cheating? Not really. Stupid? Probably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Revamped said:


> Yes, it's cheating.
> 
> You had sex with a man who was NOT your husband.
> 
> ...


Cheating is about betrayal and dishonesty. She didn't betray the guy who was screwing and living with another woman so she wasn't cheating. Maybe there's a different word for moving on before papers are signed but cheating isn't that word.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Cheating? Not really. Stupid? Probably.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Was she supposed to set around and watch the golden girls for eight months?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Was she supposed to set around and watch the golden girls for eight months?


Nope. I am not beating on her but not calling it smart either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Nope, not cheating.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Nope. I am not beating on her but not calling it smart either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't think you were beating up on her CH. The impression I got from your comment is this; It's not smart to add the extra complication while she was separated but still legally married. I think most people will agree with you but I'm not one of them. I see benefits in having companionship when going through something like this so long as doesn't move into something serious.

In my case years back, it was healing to have some intimate connection when I was split from my ex and she was seeing the OM. At the very least, it reminded me that other women still found me desirable. This is a big deal for BS's because they (we) feel somehow lacking for a while.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thank you all for you input. 

EleGirl, No, I am not feeling guilty. It's just that after reading TAM and a discussion with a co-worker who seems to be of the opinion that if I wasn't officially divorced I was cheating it got me to thinking about it. I disagree with that opinion completely and was wondering how other people saw it. I have been divorced for 2 years now (10 years later and after I found out about his 3rd affair). 

GusPolinski: You are remembering correctly. After we got back together I told my ExH about it, I just wouldn't tell him who it was with, since at the time I didn't feel like I was cheating. My ExH didn't press the issue (of me not telling him). 

Thunarr, I agree it probably wasn't smartest thing to do at the time since it put another person's feelings in the mix, but, you are correct I was feeling very low and unloved and didn't know how to handle it I guess. 

I have learned so much at TAM and I will be better in my next relationship; which to be clear I am not seeking right now.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Baseballmom ,

in the eyes of religion , social contracts ,legal stuff , you cheated .

I ma not religious anymore,I don't beleieve that marriage is a successfull institution after 17 years of my marriage and more to go .

Legally it depends on location .

but the common sense say , it is not cheating .

I beleieve the moment any relation is broken , both partners are free ;if you need to regret about it it should be from the same angle as if you are single and had sex with this guy .

In my sexless dead marriage ; I am tempted to go to a street lady ; but won't do it for a simple reason : when i was single id didn't do it , but yes , when i find a decent partener , I will .


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

No you weren't cheating. The relationship is over. He's already living with another woman.


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

Technically, lawfully, and conscientiously, you were still married... but that's besides the point. If it was with an old boyfriend, it would be fair to just assume you were sleeping with him throughout the marriage, no wonder it failed.

In all reality, this falls under the "If you have to ask..." maxim.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Okay guys we need to separate the definitions because some of you are confusing the word 'cheat' with the concept of 'breach of contract'. Look it up on Webster or where ever you want to and think about the definitions.

1. OP's husband cheated (betrayed, tricked, etc) and was also in breach of contract.
2. OP did not cheat but was in breach of contract.

So no OP did not cheat even technically.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Thundarr said *: 2. OP did not cheat but was in *breach of contract.*


There was a male poster here who I really enjoyed his posts...he sounded so much like my Husband (he is gone now)...he had high moral standards and took marriage very seriously...he also cared about this "Breach of contract" aspect of it ...

For instance.. his WIFE was cheating on him for a while, when he learned this....he filed for divorce and rightly so... he felt VERY STRONGLY to not get involved with anyone -not even starting to date.... 

Which he did break down & took another woman out to eat...he really liked her but then told her he couldn't see her again until his divorce was final... . I gotta tell you.. I held him up with the utmost of respect for being this way.. 

But at the same time...I know if I was in his shoes...I wouldn't hold myself to those strict standards... I'd be saying "screw that!"...& get out there & enjoy myself.. not that I would be jumping in the sack.. but dating/ seeking to get to know others.. Yes!.. I wouldn't be sitting home watching the "Golden girls" drowning in my sorrows..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nobody owes loyalty to a piece of paper and one can't betray a piece of paper. You can't kill someone who has already committed suicide and you can't steal deliberately abandoned property. At some point you swore to have sex only with your husband. He left to live with and knock boots with another person so he made it impossible for you to keep that promise. That was his choice and not your's. When he left your bed and your home to share his life with some other woman he took any expectation of loyalty from you with him. At that point you were married only to a piece of paper. You never promised to be sexually faithful to a piece of paper and no reasonable person would expect you to be. All offenses require at least one victim and there just wasn't one in your situation.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> Nobody owes loyalty to a piece of paper and one can't betray a piece of paper. You can't kill someone who has already committed suicide and you can't steal deliberately abandoned property. At some point you swore to have sex only with your husband. He left to live with and knock boots with another person so he made it impossible for you to keep that promise. That was his choice and not your's. When he left your bed and your home to share his life with some other woman he took any expectation of loyalty from you with him. At that point you were married only to a piece of paper. You never promised to be sexually faithful to a piece of paper and no reasonable person would expect you to be. All offenses require at least one victim and there just wasn't one in your situation.


I like this. A LOT. Well said.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A piece of legal paper doesn't make anyone married any more than a driver's license makes someone a driver. Climbing behind the wheel with the intention of going someplace and attempting to get there in a motor vehicle makes someone a driver. A piece of paper didn't make him a husband. His commitment did. When he removed that crucial element, he quit being a husband. My 96 year old grandmother is in a nursing home. She can't see and she thinks she's about 12 years old. She hasn't owned or operated a vehicle in many years but she has a piece of paper that says she is a driver. That piece of paper is a lie. Lots of dead people are still registered to vote. That legal documentation doesn't change the fact that they are dead. If your husband is living with another woman and banging her brains out, you don't have a husband, regardless of what your state believes or what that piece of paper on your wall or that ring on your finger says.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There was a male poster here who I really enjoyed his posts...he sounded so much like my Husband (he is gone now)...he had high moral standards and took marriage very seriously...he also cared about this "Breach of contract" aspect of it ...
> 
> For instance.. his WIFE was cheating on him for a while, when he learned this....he filed for divorce and rightly so... he felt VERY STRONGLY to not get involved with anyone -not even starting to date....
> 
> ...


He was holding up his end of the commitment until is was finalized even though his wife hadn't and they were divorcing. That's a respectable principle for sure. Even so, I don't consider him going on that date to be any form of cheating or betraying his stbxw. After all we cannot divorce ourselves so it's best to live by principles that make us respect ourselves.

I know when my ex and I were separated and papers were already filed that I had no regrets about dating and zero guilt looking back on it. But I certainly respect those to choose to wait until there's public records of a finalized divorce in the record of deeds.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I might date without sex but given the destruction of infidelity fueled divorce, I might have some "less than" intelligent sex as well.

I probably wouldn't feel too guilty but not too brilliant afterwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

OP, I wouldn’t worry too much about how others view your fidelity or let them hang their sh!t on you. I’ve tended to live my life in accordance with the Billie Holiday song, “T’ain’t Nobody’s Business”…”there ain’t nothing I can do or nothing I can say, that folks don’t criticize me, but I’m going to do just as I want to anyway and don’t care just what people say.” It’s served me well my whole life (thanks to my Billie Holiday loving crazy mama!) and truly there isn’t anything you can do that others won’t find something to criticize so “to thine own self be true" and all that jazz.

And I’m not going to cast aspersions on you for seeking comfort in the arms of another before the “official” legal coup de grâce struck your already dead marriage. Your husband broke your home (repeatedly), he left you to shack up with his slattern, he shat all over you, his vows, and his honor, so as I see it...there was nothing to “cheat” on. Fvck him. Or rather…don’t. 

As for me, in my life, I wouldn’t have to split the finer hairs of what constitutes “cheating” in this situation if my husband did this to me. I wouldn’t have the time. I’d be too busy constructing an effigy of him to stab repeatedly, salting the graves of his ancestors, and casting the evil eye at him and his wh0re to worry about finding another lover. I wouldn’t rest until the flood gates of hell were unleashed upon him and his harlot, until every dream they dared to dream turned to ash and misery. But you know. That’s just me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In the end, you're the only one who has to reside in your skin. What others think about your choices is of little consequence. Be a person you can be proud of and make decisions you can live with and take responsibility for those decisions. Direct those who disagree with your choices to smooch a specific aspect of your anatomy.


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

Legal marriage only binds two people together financially. It doesn't bind them together spiritually (not religion). The two individuals involved have to work out the spiritual aspects of their marriage such as love, respect, honesty and fidelity. When the spiritual parts are broken there is nothing left but the legal aspect which doesn't make for much of a marriage especially when the two people are separated.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Baseballmom6 said:


> I have been reading TAM for 2 years now. Some of the comments made on TAM have got me wondering about something.
> 
> After I caught my Ex-H's 2nd affair he moved out and in with the OW for about 8 months. During that time period, I slept with an old boyfriend twice. I haven't really felt guilty about it since we were officially separated, and I thought headed for divorce, but now I wonder. Would you consider this cheating?


No, he is seeing someone too.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Okay guys we need to separate the definitions because some of you are confusing the word 'cheat' with the concept of 'breach of contract'. Look it up on Webster or where ever you want to and think about the definitions.
> 
> 1. OP's husband cheated (betrayed, tricked, etc) and was also in breach of contract.
> 2. OP did not cheat but was in breach of contract.
> ...


I'd say her husband was in breach of contract and the way those particular contracts are designed makes the contract null & void once it's been breached in such a matter.



Just nitpicking.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I'd say her husbend was in breach of contract and the way those particular contracts are designed makes the contract null & void once it's been breached in such a matter.
> 
> 
> 
> Just nitpicking.


I agree with you on that tacoma. In my mind she did absolutely nothing wrong. But the 'technically bla bla' crowd was calling it cheating and I wanted to separate the word cheat from breach. I'm with you though, that contract was null and void in my opinion once he cheated and moved in with OW.


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