# Question for those who have reconciled or are in the process.



## soulpotato

Aside from coming straight out and agreeing to R, what signs were there that your spouse or significant other was open to or thinking about R with you? How long was it before you started seeing those signs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

when she said -"I'll do anything" 
(which was immediately after I had my smoking gun)

the real sign that she demonstrated she could be proactive and do things on her own to help me heal was when she quit her job where OM was a month post dday

she also..

was 100% transparent, she let me have all passwords and let me snoop to my heart;s content. She even found a VAR and simply said "I love you" into it and put it back. She always gave me updates as to her whereabouts if traffic was bad etc

and

she answered anything I asked, I told her that even if she feels she will hurt me, that lies will hurt me more


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## soulpotato

Almostrecovered said:


> when she said -"I'll do anything"
> (which was immediately after I had my smoking gun)
> 
> the real sign that she demonstrated she could be proactive and do things on her own to help me heal was when she quit her job where OM was a month post dday
> 
> she also..
> 
> was 100% transparent, she let me have all passwords and let me snoop to my heart;s content. She even found a VAR and simply said "I love you" into it and put it back. She always gave me updates as to her whereabouts if traffic was bad etc
> 
> and
> 
> she answered anything I asked, I told her that even if she feels she will hurt me, that lies will hurt me more


It's good to hear that your spouse is so committed to R, AR. I hope that things continue to go well for you.

I also said I'd do anything, and so I am. Likewise with the transparency and access, and answering what is asked. I hope some more people will comment on this thread with their stories.


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## daisygirl 41

He finished the A off his own back, not because I asked or begged him too. I'd kinda given up on us by that point anyway.

He wrote me a letter, taking all the blame and saying he'd answer all and any questions I had.

He was prepared to do all the heavy lifting and agree to what I needed in order to help us R.

We are 2 weeks off a year since he moved home. It's been a roller coaster, but we are getting there.


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## Lilly_Louise

I like hearing about people getting to the point of reconciling. id like to hear from people who are/were on the wrong end of the stick and wanted to reconcile and how they offered it to thier loved one? i mean its one thing to hear about people reconciling but how did you get it?


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## ChangingMe

I am a former wayward spouse. DDay2 was 6/19/12. My BH (DevastatedDad on here) kicked me out for about 2 months, but allowed me back home at that point. He didn't tell me then that it was only because of how the kids were taking it, but he has told me that several times since. 

It has been a hellish 9 months. There have been days and even weeks that are good, where my H will tell me he loves me, that he wants us to work through this, that he wants to stay with me for me. And there have been really bad times where he has been filled with so much anger, pain, and hate that he has sworn that he is going to divorce me, that he does not love me, that he is only staying for the the kids and isn't even sure if he will be able to do that. We are 9.5 months out, and it is still very hard. He does not consider us in R, but rather a state of limbo. 

I try to take whatever scraps he gives me. It is huge that I am living in my house with my family, sleeping in bed with the husband that I hurt (except for the occasional night that he chooses to sleep in the guest room instead of with me). He and I go out to eat or for a drink 1-2 nights a week, and even though conversation is awkward at times, I hold on to the fact that he is still choosing to spend time alone with me. There are times he is kind, and he has been loving at various times throughout the past 9 months. I pray those things mean that we will be able to work through this and will successfully R someday. I try to remember those things when he is angry and saying hurtful things.

As for things I've done: NC, transparency, honesty, being there for him in any way I can, submitting myself to the firing squad that is TAM when you are a WS. I wrote a timeline of events for him, I answer questions no matter how many times he asks, I do my best to show him my commitment to HIM -not just to our kids and lifestyle, I listen and don't get defensive when he is angry. 

Will it make a difference? I don't know. I pray every day that it will. That he will allow himself to let go of the anger and see me for who I am: flawed, a person who did terrible things, but not a terrible person, and one who has learned from her bad choices and has recommitted to being a great wife and mother, and that I am still his best friend in spite of the pain I have caused.


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## fredmila

ChangingMe said:


> I am a former wayward spouse. DDay2
> 
> ----------------
> 
> bad choices and has recommitted to being a great wife and mother, and that I am still his best friend in spite of the pain I have caused.


Christ, my wife, who finished her relationship with the OM (or she was dumped) only a week ago does not think anything like this. She hates me as I was the one that precipitated the end of that affair. She still thinks she had some right to find herself another man as I neglected her. We are now in the pre-divorce stage.

It has been 9 months for you and it has only been 3 months of this hell for me so I guess I have some time to wait still and see if she comex to her sense. Your husband is -somewhat- lucky you came to your senses.

If my wife acted like you I would forgive her.


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## ChangingMe

fredmila said:


> Christ, my wife, who finished her relationship with the OM (or she was dumped) only a week ago does not think anything like this. She hates me as I was the one that precipitated the end of that affair. She still thinks she had some right to find herself another man as I neglected her. We are now in the pre-divorce stage.
> 
> It has been 9 months for you and it has only been 3 months of this hell for me so I guess I have some time to wait still and see if she comex to her sense. Your husband is -somewhat- lucky you came to your senses.
> 
> If my wife acted like you I would forgive her.


I'm sorry for what you are going through, Fred. I've read a bit of your story. I hope your wife wakes up and realizes what she's done. It going to be a terrible blow to her though when she does -she will be incredulous of the damage she's done and how low she's sunk. 

As for you being able to forgive me, I guess every person is different. I pray someday DD will be able to forgive me, but at this point, he says he won't.


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## the guy

My old lady was straight up and just laid it all out on me the day I confronted her, there was no denial no anger just sadness, and when the blame shifting start and I started packing her crap, that is when she said " I will do anything to make this right" and from there she went and got the help she need in understanding her self and why she did the things she did.

In short right out of the gate she owned her unhealthy behavior and admitted it. She knew it was wrong and took the step for her self not for me, but to be a healthy individual.

In the 1st year after confronting her I saw a women distance her self from the toxic friend and environment that were a catalyst and focus more on her family ...especially her kids. Something she hasn't done in years.

My FWW though i was going to bail after my son got out of high school the following year, so she spent the remaining time making healthier choices for her self and the kids. Something I really noticed.

I saw her make a bad situation better, not worse, so often I read threads were the wayward makes a bad situation worse by acting out with even more aggressive unhealthy behavior. This was not the case for us.


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## InOverMyHeart

I've been trying to state why I wanted a reconciliation, I guess it's best phrased I saw the writing on the wall. I knew he wasnt reading my texts or listening to my message so I wrote him a letter everyday for a week. (honestly, I haven't stopped) He did not open them right away thinking they were divorce papers and thought well, they keep coming so maybe I should read them. He texted me right after the last one he read and said he has been waiting and praying for months for me to come around. We agreed to reconcile, but we have some issues and circumstances to contend with. We are on week two of actual communication after nothing for almost six months. I've missed him terribly.


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## Rand OmGuy

All, i have begun the healing process of my wife cheating on me with my best friend. See my thread for details - 'Wife of 13 years cheated w/ my best friend'

I made my mind up about R almost immediately. Whe she came clean i sat there quietly reviewing my options and looking at the different ways i could react. I decided right then, either i boot her out, file for divorce and tear our family apart or decide that i will forgive her and not make our 2 young children pay for her mistake. 

The last few weeks have been devastating and very difficult. I was finally able to open up to her about all of the feelings that i had inside, the pain and betrayal, the loss of confidence and self worth. She has been 100% open and honest despite how much some of the details hurt me. She has shown genuine remorse and i'll quote from one of my posts "She has owned up to doing a very selfish and hurtful thing. I was very worried that she was only upset that i found out and not upset about what she did. However, i walked in on her in the bath a few days ago and she was sobbing almost uncontrollably. When i asked her why she was crying (fully expecting another revelation) she responded..."i feel so terrible. I risked ruining our family, i broke up your friendship with &*%$ and worst of all i broke my vows to you. i commited a cardinal sin" She was almost beside her self with guilt and remorse. I reminded her that we also had vows that said for better or for worse. "

I am not a terribly spiritual person, however this experience has changed me a little. I have a boss who often talked to the employees at meetings and reminds them to look out for and listen for God's signs. I firmly believe that me finding out about this when i did and how i did was by design. I'm not saying God wanted her to cheat, but if i would have found out about this 2 years ago, i would be single today. Over the past 5-6 months my wife and i had begun to grow apart. There was still love, but the passion and the connection was fading. I think that me finidng out now was a design to help us reconnect and really see the strength of our love and our marriage. We are closer right now than we have ever been. 

A lot of the pain we feel as "victims" is related to pride. As long as your spouse does not try to shift blame, make excuses or justify what they did and as long as they accept full responsibility for their actions, R is a real possibility. 

The bigger sin is NOT trying.


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## Pops001

For me the 1st sign she may want R was when I had a call from her telling me she wanted to return some personal property she claims she took accidentally. I had made no contact with her at all from the time she left me. I found the call confusing and asked people on this site what they thought, closure or R. It turned out to be R. Bottom line a sign could be an excuse to see you as one lady told me, to possibly gauge my feelings and she was right


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## Ostera

When we started R in January the first thing we did was seek MC... that has done a world of good for us... the counselor is very focused and has opened our eyes to the fact couples need to listen to their partners and understand how they feel. 

Our counselor focuses on 'Primary Feelings'... not the secondary... 

Secondary feeling are what you can see (eg anger, etc.)

Primary are the things you can't see (eg. abandonment, hurt, sorrow, rejection, etc.)

It has done wonders to see a different perspective in all of this.


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## fredmila

Rand OmGuy said:


> All, i have begun the healing process of my wife cheating......
> 
> The bigger sin is NOT trying.


I am really happy for you that your wife repented of what she did. Mine has not and I cannot contemplate R until she does. However I do wish to reconcile for the same reasons as you: I love her, I don't want my children to grow up from a broken family etc.

My wife only recently ended her affair (or was dumped) but it was mainly because I did a lot of work to split them up. So, for now, she hates me for that.

What led to your wife to end the affair must be different but, how long after she ended the affair did she repent?

Most people have told me to end the marriage and forget about R, however I entirely agree with you: 
_The bigger sin is NOT trying_


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## Riven

ChangingMe, I hope you tell your spouse this. I am on the other end and I see nothing as far as emotion from mine. Usually when I do it's at night, he'll wake up and tell me he loves me. Occasionally he'll do the "I'm so lucky you're still with me"... but otherwise as far as I know, it never crosses his mind, but me. I carry it every day.

I don't feel like our relationship has made major changes, but he does. I think it's because he is finally trying to be in it for a change, but for me it's "everyday" most of the time, which makes it hard. I told him that I'm the one who has had to pay the price for what we have with a hole in me that I don't know will ever be filled. There are no words to tell someone the pain. No words at all.


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## Mr Blunt

> Aside from coming straight out and agreeing to R, what signs were there that your spouse or significant other was open to or thinking about R with you?


*
She felt the full weight and consequenses of her betrayal and was broken.*


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## lostwithouthim

fredmila said:


> IHowever I do wish to reconcile for the same reasons as you: I love her, I don't want my children to grow up from a broken family etc.
> 
> I agree with this, I don't want my son to come from a broken home which is why I'd do anything to be reconciled with my husband (apart from beg!).
> Some days I feel hopeful, but then he says something which makes me think that he's made his decision and he's not coming back!
> We still get on when he comes round to pick up my son and I'm hoping and praying that someday he'll be back for good!


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## fredmila

lostwithouthim said:


> fredmila said:
> 
> 
> 
> IHowever I do wish to reconcile for the same reasons as you: I love her, I don't want my children to grow up from a broken family etc.
> 
> I agree with this, I don't want my son to come from a broken home which is why I'd do anything to be reconciled with my husband (apart from beg!).
> Some days I feel hopeful, but then he says something which makes me think that he's made his decision and he's not coming back!
> We still get on when he comes round to pick up my son and I'm hoping and praying that someday he'll be back for good!
> 
> 
> 
> I second that emotion I wish you all the best luck.
Click to expand...


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## lostwithouthim

fredmila, finally I've come across someone who hasn't told me to got rid of him, go and get a divorce, protect yourself, etc. It's one of the reasons I got myself feeling low yesterday. I was feeling very hopeful on Friday when he came round to chat about the finances and I was in a good mood. However someone said something yesterday on the forum that really upset me. I think it was basically I've got no chance of getting him back. Consequently I had a blow off at my husband via text and I feel that this has delayed any interest from his side of getting back together. I know it's going to take a while and I've got to move on before he comes back, but I hope one day that he will


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