# Wife is mad that i'm doing so many new things on my own



## SleepyDog (Dec 21, 2011)

Hello Señoritas....I could really use some help/advice (I'm sure you haven't heard that a million times). I realize that as a guy, I have a different way of thinking about things and, as such, can't comprehend my wife's feelings about this situation and am only getting more and more frustrated. This is going to be a long one, but here goes:

Recently, I've involved myself with a lot of new activities, mainly in the interest of my health. I'm only 31 years old. I had a bad medical check-up or two. This, combined with some chronic health issues I had been having, both sides of my family having a high diabetic rate (dad also has alzheimers), and recent cancer battles in my extended family have all prompted me to declare war on my out of shape and unhealthy @ss. Over the last 5 months I've been able to lose 40lbs, gain quite a bit of muscle, and strengthened friendships with the people that I've inspired to exercise with me…my wife, not being one of them. 

Last night, we had a pretty healthy discussion about her feelings on this. Why last night? Well, because last night I went out with some co-workers to go indoor rock climbing for the first time and I guess that pushed things over the edge for her (no pun intended). She couldn’t go because she had work the next morning. Essentially she feels left out. I understand that and to be honest, had been expecting this discussion when I got home. The problem is that she is your typical girly girl. She doesn't like to involve in activities that are stressful for her. Unfortunately, all the activities that I like or involve myself in, she does not like or finds stressful. I like exercising, I like racing (my car-on closed courses), I like exciting things and she likes none of those and if I bring her along, all she does is feel out of place, complain, or just plain sit there and not talk to me. She can't handle the exercise and even if I try to take it slow, she gets frustrated and quits on me. I still invite her to these things but she does not go because she can't get over her dislike of these things. I don’t mind because I accept that she doesn’t like them, but that doesn’t mean I won’t go do them on my own.
Here are my feelings/thoughts/more background on this (I communicated them to her):

1. Other than me, she has no friends. This isn't my fault, but understand this. I have a really hard time establishing friendships myself, but these friends of mine I have slowly gotten closer to over the last six years. Our traditional latino upbringings may play a role in this. The wife usually just "serves" her man and focuses her attention/energy on him (my mom is like this). As cool as that may sound to some guys, it's just too clingy for me. I need my equal partner in life, not a servant.

2. She's really busy with school (part time-she's getting her degree) and work (part time). To me, I feel that this is more of a rite of passage type of thing. College isn't easy, deal with it as I did and so did most every other person that did it. I worked my butt off and went through 4 years of not going out, no friends other than study partners, just focusing on my studies because I only had one shot and I had to make it count. I feel she kind of resents me for this because I pushed her to go back to school and now she sees me having fun while she's busy with work. I'm sorry, be grateful! How many people wish they had the opportunity to get a college degree?!?! On her time off she spends the day sleeping. I try to take her out for dinner, or to a movie or even go see family, but all she wants to do is sleep. I understand she's overworked and needs rest, but she wants me in the house around her even then!

3. I'm a dedicated worker at my job. I work at least 10 hours a day every day, sometimes more. My job kind of asks this of me and I'm trying to resolve things by looking for a better position somewhere else that may be less stressful for me and less on the hours and hopefully more pay. Currently I go in at 6am so that I can leave work at 5 and get more time with her. I'm sorry again. My job pays the majority of the bills, particularly the mortgage. If I lose my job we lose it all which is why I want you to get your degree so that you can be an equal partner in the finances and know that our family (no kids yet) will have two legs to stand on. 

4. She has no hobbies. She has no real interest in anything. I think this is a big cause of her frustration because she has no outlet. To be honest, I can't say that I personally know many other women that have hobbies. I know there are women that do have hobbies. I think she just expects our family to be her hobby which is actually ok with me, but there needs to be some other outlet for her.

5. I tried to tell her that things will get better when she finishes school next semester and gets and actual full-time degreed position. She can't see past the "now". She can never see past the "now." No matter how hard I try. The free time she doesn’t have at the moment is a big hindrance in moving forward.

Well that's all I’ve got for now. I'm really stressed about this because obviously i love my wife and want our marriage to be a happy one. Have any of you ladies dealt with a similar situation? What better approach can I take? Obviously the approach I took last night didn't work as she was clearly mad this morning . I feel she just wants me to sugar coat things or just do what she wants so that she will be happy. I would like to include her in these things, but how can I when she refuses to?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

This is quite a normal trait in women they only see the now. Its not she refuses to go but its not her thing. Its usually good when partners have also different hobbies. How about housework, sex etc you mention nothing of this. You dont say how long you are married and its possible she wants children to fill her days and marriage. Apart from your hobbies can you talk to her as an equal. Can you talk about your work and day to her or isnt she interested.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I do think its good you try to include her in on things. However, you can't make her want to or like those things, which I'm sure you are well aware of. 

Sounds like you are both on different pages. Have you asked her what she is interested in and then gone and done those things with her? Does she work? I can't believe she doesn't have any friends, thats sad, she does needs some and sounds like she needs some support of how shes feeling.


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## SleepyDog (Dec 21, 2011)

thanks for the replies guys. we've been married for six years. i agree different hobbies is a good thing. we all need our personal thing and she doesn't have that. we have no issues with sex. housework is kind of hit and miss, it gets done when either of us get fed up with the mess...haha. i know she wants kids. i want kids too. we talk about it all the time now and she's happy knowing that once she is out of school we can start on our family. i am glad we waited because she looks around at our families and sees all the problems that they have by just jumping into to it. i do talk to her as an equal. My whole thing is about making her my equal, to make her stronger and let her play an equal active role in the marriage. i think sometimes she wants to take the easy way out and wants me to make all the decisions and have all the respnsibilities. i understand, a woman still wants to be taken care of and looked after at times. We discuss each others day to each other and that goes well. We may not have an interest in the topic, but have an interest in listening to each other.

I know she's always been interested in dancing but time is the biggest problem. As I mentioned, she's got a fairly low energy level and going clubbing just can't make that any better. I'll admit that I have been hesitant to go dancing because it's not my thing, but I have never prevented her from doing it if she has had the opportunity to go out. I did however ask her to look for some local salsa dance classes that we could take after work while she is on her xmas break from school.

As for not having friends, I have been through that myself. We are both shy and quiet people and making friends doesn't come easy. As I said, it has taken me several years to start to do things outside of work with my co-workers. We have no mutual or married friends to do stuff with together.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

SleepyDog said:


> We have no mutual or married friends to do stuff with together.



This is something you both need to find time to do then. You say you go out with your co-workers, then maybe they need to be introduced to your wife. Are your co workers married? If so maybe you all can go out to dinner one night. This is how you make friends with other couples. 


Also, I do agree people need hobbies and its good to have outside interests and be individuals, BUT if one person is spending to much time with their hobbies and in the company of others then surely the marriage will suffer and the other spouse will become angry, hurt and resentful. 

Talk to your wife and coworkers about going out one night for date night.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SleepyDog said:


> thanks for the replies guys. we've been married for six years. i agree different hobbies is a good thing. we all need our personal thing and she doesn't have that. we have no issues with sex. housework is kind of hit and miss, it gets done when either of us get fed up with the mess...haha. i know she wants kids. i want kids too. we talk about it all the time now and she's happy knowing that once she is out of school we can start on our family. i am glad we waited because she looks around at our families and sees all the problems that they have by just jumping into to it. i do talk to her as an equal. My whole thing is about making her my equal, to make her stronger and let her play an equal active role in the marriage. i think sometimes she wants to take the easy way out and wants me to make all the decisions and have all the respnsibilities. i understand, a woman still wants to be taken care of and looked after at times. We discuss each others day to each other and that goes well. We may not have an interest in the topic, but have an interest in listening to each other.
> 
> *I know she's always been interested in dancing but time is the biggest problem.* As I mentioned, she's got a fairly low energy level and going clubbing just can't make that any better. I'll admit that I have been hesitant to go dancing because it's not my thing, but I have never prevented her from doing it if she has had the opportunity to go out. I did however ask her to look for some local salsa dance classes that we could take after work while she is on her xmas break from school.
> 
> As for not having friends, I have been through that myself. We are both shy and quiet people and making friends doesn't come easy. As I said, it has taken me several years to start to do things outside of work with my co-workers. We have no mutual or married friends to do stuff with together.


Your wife and you need to make the marriage the number one priority. Above everything else. If this can not be done then there you have it. So you have opend the door to dancing. Good. Make time for that. The more dancing she does the more fit she will become. Work your workouts around that time. You can choose to do this. Your wife is more important thatn your new found friends. Not saying to give them up. Just saying to put your wife first.

I do not suggest you tell her to find her own friends and go clubbing without you. <facepalm>. That is bringing other men into your marriage. You do the math. You need to do things together.

Next, I did not notice you saying but are all of your new friends male? If you are hanging out with other women then she may have cause for concern. Yes it depends on the context. If she is the priority and the coiple time occurs first then any extra time spent in healthy activities is great. If it is the other way around, then you get what you get. A marriage heading in the wrong direction. The great news is that you get to choose. Make wise choices that are good for now and support the long term. Not including your wife as priority #1 determines that she will not be your priority later on or you hers.

Some suggest 15 hours one on one each week. For sure you should being going out at least one night a week on a real date. Yes, there is time. To say there is no time is just saying that this is a low priority and you choose to spend your time in other ways. This is a single and not married mindset.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How often are you with these friends of yours and coworkers? Why haven't you introduced them to your wife? If any of them are female, maybe your wife would enjoy being introduced to someone she could hang out with? 

Even if your wfie has no real interest in the things you and your friends/co workers do, doesn't mean she might not enjoy talking to or hanging out with them or one of them sometimes. You wont know until you try. I wouldn't think your friends need to be just your friends. 

I also agree about you and your wife getting together with some of your friends or co workers for dinner or a movie etc.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

How much time are you spending doing these other activities with your co-workers and friends?


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## SleepyDog (Dec 21, 2011)

more awesome advice. my friends are just friends. they are not my priority. my priority is in doing the activity, not the friendships. this doesn't resolve the problem as it's still me doing something on my own. the real reason i dont make too many friends is because i get bored and tired of dealing with people as NOBODY is as committed to being there for me as my wife is. For the time being, my health and her health comes first. without that we have no marriage. I'm trying to reduce my time at work and am always willing to make time for her. i will try harder to include her in exercising and to attempt to have more patience with her. It is her that does not have or give herself the time or makes an excuse, not me. I feel that I get blamed later when it was her that did not make the time or had the energy to make the time. As mentioned before I ask to go places with her or do things with her and all she wants to do is sleep or stay home and do nothing (which ultimately ends up with her falling asleep, typically by about 8pm on a Friday and/or Saturday night). There is only one female in my little exercise/activity group now (there were two but one has since left the company). She has met them all but has not really connected with them, which doesn't bother me at all, but does contribute to her feeling more left out. We're all engineers and we're co-workers so there will always be some inside joke or conversation that she won't get and this doesn't help, but can't be avoided.

As for the scheduling of these activities, I try my best not to let it affect our time. For instance, I work out 3-5 times a week. Gym/weight lifting time happens during my lunch hour at work. I have done weight lifting since before we were married and before we were dating so she knew this was always a thing for me. This summer, because of my checkups, I made running a priority. Unfortunately, because of the fact that I had set on trail running, it had to happen after work. She was admittedly a trooper in this as my doctor even spoke to her about my serious need to lose weight and improve my health. I ran twice a week right after work (we ran from about 5-pm to 7-ish). Now that I have achieved my weight and cardio goals, I only road run (no need to head to a trail) about twice a week around home/work when she's at class or trade out a lunch time gym workout for a run. In all these activities I started on my own and little by little people just started joining me. Last night was an unusual occasion. I am currently on xmas vacation from work and since I knew I didn't have to be at work the next morning I said I'd go. She was upset at this and literally told me I should have just stayed home with her because she wouldn't have been able to go and that would have avoided this mess. My response was that she's not going to school at the moment, she worked only a half day at work yesterday and so she could have gone with me but yet she still chose not to. So she would have been tired at work today...big deal it's something that only happens once in a blue moon as I would never go out during the week if I were working.

She WAS a bit miffed that I carpooled with the female friend (unmarried but in a relationship). I was admittedly hesitant in telling her because I knew she wouldn't be excited about it so that made it more "suspicious." I think I squashed that argument pretty quickly and she no longer brought it up. I had previously been in a relationship where jealousy acted like a cancer until it destroyed it. I have 0-1% tolerance for jealousy now. I do not take it lightly and straight out told her that I will not accept a marriage where there is no trust and I meant it. Jealousy is bad. The reason I carpooled with her was because we live in the same part of town and she was on my way to the place. It felt dumb not to carpool when we were both leaving at the same time and would be coming back at the same time to essentially the same place and take the same route. Had it been one of the guys I would have done the same...why would I pass up a chance to bs with one of the guys?

i have to say that writing all of this out has helped me to feel better and get a better view of things. I am resentful of the feeling that I always have to take a step backwards to make two steps forward, but yet I feel that she never has to take a step back, she always just freaks out or reaches her limit and the whole world has to come to a stop until she is happy again.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

SleepyDog said:


> I would have done the same...why would I pass up a chance to bs with one of the guys?


The female co worker is not a guy though. I would squash the idea of carpooling with the female co worker again, its not going to do anything but add more problems.

Also invite your friends and co workers out with you and your wife on the town. You both need to get out and relax with others some. 

-


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

SleepyDog said:


> Had it been one of the guys I would have done the same...why would I pass up a chance to bs with one of the guys?


Comparing apples to oranges here...a single female, a female period, is not "one of the guys". Jealousy or no jealousy, trust or no trust, that's just not cool to do when you're married. Also pretty crappy to get mad at your wife when she was upset about it, you did her wrong....Sounds too much like my husband getting all mad at me when he would talk to, hang out with or text some chick and say "well you don't get mad when I talk to, insert male friend's name here..." duh really?? Contrary to some men's beliefs, there is a difference....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So my comments were about putting the marriage as the number one priority above everything else.

Sorry you had a bad relationship that had a lot of unneeded jealousy. That said, jealousy is a human reaction to the possible unfaithfulness by the SO. It has its place in protecting a relationship. Context does matter.

Car pooling with this single woman is a bad idea IMO in your case. Again having activities in addition to a healthy marriage is great. But you have to have boundaries that are consistent with a marriage and do not go into single behavior. You have changed your body image and are feeling great about yourself but not about your marriage. This makes you especially vulnerable to an affair. Your self esteem is soaring and it is hard to tell what you are really looking for on this forum. At least to me.

What is it you are really looking for? Without being harsh it looks like you are just justifiying things with your wife to continue this awesome other life style you like so much. Are you putting yourself out there? If so maybe your wife is sensing that. Maybe she feels you are moving beyond her. She does sound like she is depressed.

Work and sports are activities that we can all have an affair with. Right now as great as your physical activities are you are having an affair with this life style. One can become very enamoured with oneself as well. Self esteem and confidence is great. She should find that attractive. But be careful you are not projecting that you are available unless you mean it.

I do agree, you need advice on how to motivate your wife to join the living. That said you are engaged in things she is just flat not interested in. If she were here for advice we would be telling her to get interested in your activities and to help find a middle ground. We would also suggest to her that you guys are living separate lives right now.

I had a friend who answered this situation with his wife by divorce. He was all into the working out life style and she not so much. I am not suggesting this but I wonder where you want this to go. There have been times I have put work or sports in the wrong priority mix in my lfe. So I have been there. I regret doing so. Finding a balance is not easy. I continually try to follow a Westside template four days a week. I can do this for periods but something more realistic in my life for the long run is two to three days a week. Priorities.


I think a very positive thing you are doing is using your lunch time for the lifting. That should leave time for the two of you.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You mentioned that all she wants to do is stay home and do nothing or sleep. Has she been checked for depression? Thats kinda what that sounds like. 

Also, you said in your title, your wife was mad at you doing so many new things, but yet you have a mad smiley face out beside of the title...are you mad as well? If so, what exactly are you mad at? It seems you are doing what you want. :scratchhead:


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I have two suggestions... to have more couple time. I understand that she is not interested in your fitness stuff, but maybe you can still up the "quality" couple time. 

1. Date nite: Where you two HAVE to get out together. And to make it interesting, you take turns deciding on what to do. AND the one whose turn it isn't....doesn't get to complain. It might be fun to do a few things that you both haven't done, add new stuff and ya, possibly nix it later.

2. Game nite: Invite friends over, tell the guys to bring a date... play cards or board games, maybe everyone bring a dish... kind of forcing wife to socialize.... but still have quality time.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

In all of your posts you seem to almost have disdain for your wife. You sound a bit cold and absolute about a lot of things (maybe your engineering brain) and if your wife is sensing this, it will make her feel unloved and unhappy.

The thing is, we are humans with human emotions that sometimes come from places we are not even aware of...but that doesn't make them unimportant or okay to dismiss. Her feelings are coming from SOMEWHERE just as yours are, so try to remember that.

I would suggest couples counseling. Your wife is not you, she is her. She may need different things than you do, but that doesn't make them less important. Nobody is so much "all that and a bag of chips" that their needs supercede everyone else's around them.

You can find a way to exercise, be social (appropriately) and still have a great marriage. You just have to figure it out....and you haven't yet.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> In all of your posts you seem to almost have disdain for your wife. You sound a bit cold and absolute about a lot of things (maybe your engineering brain) and if your wife is sensing this, it will make her feel unloved and unhappy.
> 
> The thing is, we are humans with human emotions that sometimes come from places we are not even aware of...but that doesn't make them unimportant or okay to dismiss. Her feelings are coming from SOMEWHERE just as yours are, so try to remember that.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

How was your life with your wife before you decided to make these new changes and take on these new activities you are now doing? 

Perhaps she feels you have become a altogether different person than from the one she knew before, and isn't sure how to handle it?


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## 4waysplit (Dec 22, 2011)

If you care enough to ask for help as you clearly do then that is half the battle - however the other half may well be in this case to find a way to comprimise so both of your needs are met. 

My dearest friend had a health scare she got cancer and after getting the all clear she radically reevaluated her life and changed every aspect completly forgetting to a degree that she had a husband - she was stunned when he finally said he wasnt happy with her off and about doing bike rides and nature treks and socialising constantly with friends it was tearing them apart he didnt want to do alot of the things she did with her time and she felt unable to change back eventually a different mutual friend suggested loaning the husband a camera so he could do an alternative to the high energy activities she was doing. Now they visit these places together and whislt she bikes and treks at her own pace and her own routes he is also there taking photos and exploring alongside his partner . Maybe for you that solution wouldnt work - but perhaps there is a hobby or interest you can suggest to her that would work alongside your own . 

P.S i love the idea of date night too


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Without reading the replies (sorry guys)

I gotta say... I've been in her shoes... I've felt left out, excluded, forgotten... All of that. Different hobbies and time apart are GOOD things in a healthy relationship... But too much of it is not.

There needs to be a balance between the time you spend apart, and the time you spend together.

I know you mentioned that she is girly and doesn't like those kinds of activities, but maybe the two of you can switch off/on the other's preferred activities once a week... Just to get the time together in?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The rule of thumb is for a healthy marriage you and your wife need to spend 15 hours a week doing date-like activities... meaing doing the dishes together does not count.

You lament that your wife does not like to do the things you like. But then you say that she likes to dance but you don't like to so you don't do it. How is your attitude any different than hers?

Dance is a wonderful exercise. Why not take some of that arobic exercise time and put it into dance classes with her. Then join a local dance club. They can be a blast... dance competitions, weekly or monthly dances where everyone gets together, socializes, learns new dances and practices.

Do something she likes that would help with our new active life style. Doing something together in which you both are learning something new will bring you closer together.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Very thoughtful advice, Ele. I "like" this 

In fact, going to use it in my own situation, too! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, you haven't been back in awhile, what's up?


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