# High school sweetheart.



## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

I have a question for you guys. Is it normal to still think about your high school sweetheart many years later? My husband had a brief EA with his ex from high school when she found him on facebook. It turns out he bumped into her just before we got married and asked if she had given him another chance (when they broke up). He told her he had always wondered "what if". I am having trouble getting my head around it and I feel like his heart is not entirely with me. Can someone shed some light on this?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes it is normal

No it is not acceptable


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

First off. You know about this connection. Did he tell you all this?
If he did then He has been really transparent. Many would think about the "what if's" in life. You H natrually has had a very close relationship here and the though bounced around. 

However, its time he moved on and placed that thought well back in the "cant go back there so why bother" box in the back of his head. reality is he cannot go back even if that relationship then was amazing. We all change as we age and what they had will not be the same now. Both have naturally changed. 

Being involved in an EA.... Bad move.That needs to be cleared out and sorted so that there is no chance of rekindling with anyone. Boundries need to be layed and case in stone.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

Pault, he did tell me. I forgot to mention that it happened a year ago, and I am having trouble moving on. He knew it was not ok from the start. They talked about the past and how they had feelings for each other. There was noting sexualised, just feelings. He made it clear he was happily married and said he loved and respected me. He told her he was going to tell me, but she convinced him that they weren't doing anything wrong. She tried hard to stop him telling me. He did end up telling me a few days later. It was over the course of a week. All contact was cut off (he was reluctant) and there has been no contact since (that I know of). He was upfront and honest with me and showed me all their correspondence. I respect him for that. It was such a shock, as I didn't even know about her from his past. I am so worried that this will pop up again in the future though. I wonder if there is unfinished business with her. I don't feel like we are as solid and "whole" as we once were. It has also tainted my memories of our wedding and wondering if he was thinking of her, seeing as he spoke to her about their past days before we got married. It has made me question a lot.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think what if is normal for most people.
he told you and seems to be open and honest .try spending more time together and putting effort to show eachother love.

but keep your eyes open for anything suspicious.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

From my perspective, it's normal. I dated my first GF for 3 years (I was 16-19, she 15-18). She broke up with me in the last year of high school. A few months later, I met the woman I would marry, and spend the next 14 years with.

The first few years I was with her, I did think of my ex a fair amount. When my father passed away, my ex was one of the first ones I thought of to contact and let her know. She beat me to it, and actually called my mom, as she had heard through the grapevine. I called her some months later to thank her for doing that, and we ended up going out for a beer and catching up. Nothing else.

I'd bump into her every few years, here or there, and we'd usually end up going out for a drink and catching up again.

Throughout all these meetups, I never once looked at her and wondered what it'd be like to be with her again. It truly was a friendly thing, and I was happy where I was. I don't believe she looked at it any differently, though she had never married, and had gone through several relationships (one resulting in a child, and the father didn't stick around).

The advent of Facebook to the masses in 2007 enabled us to connect again. We had bumped into each other at a backyard bbq (my wife at the time was not social, and did not attend, though she was more than welcome to), and we became Facebook friends soon after.

Again, nothing untowards, and zero feelings on my part (or hers, I think) other than friendship. As Facebook was new to the public, it never occurred to me how my wife would see this, but as far as I know, it didn't bother her in the slightest. When Facebook was made available to the public, it was like a mad rush to connect with everybody you had ever known, and I'm sure she had similar contacts. It just didn't occur to either one of us, the way it does to people these days, that befriending an ex might be sketchy.

In any case, as I said, there were zero motivations or feelings for my ex, other than old friends - really and truly.

Not that long after, I discovered my wife had been having an affair, and she subsequently left me. I discovered far more details in the ensuing months, but by then, she had already left the country to be with her new man.

My ex was part of my social circle not long after, as I was going out more and more (being single and all) and we had many mutual friends. Facebook was still new, and people were reconnecting all over the place, and we realized that we had many mutual friends, and each of us would inevitably be invited to the same get-togethers and parties and bbq's.

The more we saw each other, the more we enjoyed each others company. We were both single, experience, and comfortable with each other. We both had gone through the ringer to varying degrees in our lives, especially when it came to relationships, and we got closer and closer.

We are now married, and have been together 5 years. We don't live a perfect life, but we are great with each other, and her kids have accepted me as a step dad.

So long story short, thinking of your high school sweetheart does not always mean a "what if" scenario. It didn't for me. We had a genuine friendship that manifested itself every couple of years for the time we spent apart, and we both knew (without saying so) that we obviously could not be part of each others lives any more than we had been to that point. But neither of us was interested in never seeing each other again, either.

In all likelihood, had my marriage not gone in the dumps, and had she found somebody, our friendship likely would have tailed off at some point. But timing is everything, and it worked out in our favour, even though it's certainly not something either of us were aiming for, or expected.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I have fallen in love two times in my life. First when I was 18 and then again when I was 20. I crashed and burned with my first love after 9 months. She was one year ahead of me in college and actually was located in my home town while I was off 2 hours away at another college. I would drive back home every weekend to see her. We had many things against us in the relationship - she was Southern Baptist and her father was a preacher - I was Catholic and really did not go to church much. Her parents were not too thrilled that I was dating their daughter - they never even met me - when they were in town never once did she introduce me - this was a problem. Also, she was a year ahead and only had two years to go when we broke up - she was going to move 6 hours away to go to a specialized nursing school after that - I on the other hand had three years left so I could see that the distance thing was only going to get worse. Add the fact that we were so young… - and there you go - we crashed and burned.

Now, when we did break up - I did a complete 180 on her - I mean no contact at all. However, I had in my mind that I would make myself better, get out of college, and then if she was still available, I was going to pursue her again.

Well, that plan got shattered when I met and fell in love with my wife a year and a half later. I did however, go see this first love about 6 months after meeting my wife to apologize for the way we broke up (the complete 180) and to tell her that I wished her the best. She gave me a big hug and said goodbye at that point.

Fast forward three years - and I was engaged to my wife. I am actually older than my wife and she was still in college at this point. I had graduated and was working. Still had this first love on my mind though - I contacted her again and we had our last phone conversation - she was actually still available - was out of school and was a nurse. She told me that she was so sorry for the way she acted when we dated - admitted that the religion thing was a big part of her turning cold on me - she had pressure from her parents, was totally financially tied to them and they threatened to bring her home if she did not stop seeing me. She never said she loved me - just told me that she had very strong feelings for me - and still did.

Well, I was engaged and I knew that I could not live without my wife. I ended the conversation with I was very sorry for the way things turned out and hung up. I never told her I was engaged.

Fast forward 22 years. I am married with three kids. I learn of this new Facebook thing and could not resist the temptation to see if my first love was on there. Within two minutes I found her - sent a message and we reconnected - she was my first Facebook friend - I had no idea how Facebook even worked - just thought it was like email but everyone used their real name. Next thing I know I am connected to her - I learn what the Wall is. I told my wife all about this - even showed her and my daughters pictures of my first love. (Daughters were shocked about how much my first love looked like my wife!! Bingo – the reason I spotted my wife was that she looked so much like my first love – I never told my wife about that – she gave me a very funny look when she saw the picture!!)

Turns out my first love is married and has kids - pictures made it look like she was happy. We do casual communication for first few weeks. Then I started to get a little uncomfortable with this - I started remembering the times with her - so, I sent her a message that actually said we probably should not be connected on this thing because - she was the first girl I ever fell for. She responds back that there is nothing wrong with us communicating as long as both spouses know what we are doing. So I did nothing. Next thing I know, she starts messaging me at the end of each week to see how my week went - I would respond some of the high lights - she starts telling me how stressed she is with her kids and marriage - all of a sudden I am like her counselor - and she is trying to be mine. 

So after about 6 weeks of being connected to her - I am distracted and it is effecting how I interact with my wife. Then I get this message from my first love that says she can't contact me for a while because she is in a crisis. I am like, OK.
Then she messages one day later and says that one of her friend’s is having a Facebook Emotional Affair and that the husband knew and they were struggling - she was counseling this friend - and how trying it was. I was like this makes no sense - how is this a crisis for her? Also, I look at her friends list and I am like she only has about 40 friends and most are married and have kids - what is the likely hood that this is true? I did not even know what an emotional affair was- had to look it up.

I came to the conclusion (and I ended up being right) that my first loves husband had found out about our communication and did not like it too much. I sent her a message and said that I don't know why she could not just come out and tell me what was happening with her and her husband? How crazy is this? I would never have an emotional affair with here - then I kind of offended her and told her that she had four kids - if I was going to have an affair, I sure would not have one with her!!

Needless to say - we crashed and burned again 26 years after the first time - I wonder if this is a record.


I will say that I did still have feelings for this woman - I always will. But, I do not burn for her at all anymore - I only burn for my wife and will as long as we are together.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I think it’s fairly normal. I have what I’d call my “redflag women”. Usually girls that I crushed on back in the day. Occasionally I run across them in real life and online thanks to F-book. Because I know there’s that “I wonder if..” that continues to this day in my head, I tend to isolate myself away from them. It’d be too easy to explore that ‘what if’... So, I don’t put myself in a position to test it. 

On the bad side, I also tend to embrace the fantasy that I’d have a shot still. Kind of a warm comfort in the idea that if I wanted, they’d be mine... and feeling a bit more ‘noble’ that I’m not insecure enough that I really need to know that answer of whether or not they’d be attracted to me. I just assume they would and feed my ego that way. The fantasy is better and enough.

Sounds like your husband couldn’t feed his ego with just the idea that they’d be into him. He was insecure whether he would be attractive. So, he tested it and let it feed his ego when she responded. Really dumb move because it isolated him from you and only verified what he should have known without it... 

I hope he found the reality of testing it is so much worse. Now the one whom he most wants to find him attractive, he’s hurt deeply and damaged how attractive of an option he really is. Often the fantasy is better than reality. Some things should always remain fantasy.


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## bornin73guy (Oct 7, 2013)

I think it is completely normal to think back to our ex's. I was never very good at ending relationships so my ex's generally don't like me very much! I am friends with 2 of my ex's on facebook and my wife of 10+ years knows. We often talk about ex's and the what it's only because it is fun to poke fun at the past. I will admit that my one ex could have very easily been my wife. Life takes interesting turns...

I have not contacted that one ex in about 13 years. Sure I see her pic on facebook but she has a private setting. I'd really like to reach out to her but don't feel as if that would be right. Hard to say that I have feelings for her after all these years but I also realize that nothing good can come out of me reaching out to her...


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

bornin73guy said:


> I think it is completely normal to think back to our ex's. I was never very good at ending relationships so my ex's generally don't like me very much! I am friends with 2 of my ex's on facebook and my wife of 10+ years knows. We often talk about ex's and the what it's only because it is fun to poke fun at the past. I will admit that my one ex could have very easily been my wife. Life takes interesting turns...
> 
> I have not contacted that one ex in about 13 years. Sure I see her pic on facebook but she has a private setting. I'd really like to reach out to her but don't feel as if that would be right. Hard to say that I have feelings for her after all these years but I also realize that nothing good can come out of me reaching out to her...


Your last paragraph has hit a chord with me. I would say that is how my husband felt. What are your feelings towards her and what goes through your mind? It might help me to understand my husband's position more. I want to understand where he is coming from, but haven't been able to get my head around it.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

All this came about a few days before our wedding anniversary and today is our wedding anniversary a year later. I remember how much of a mess I was on our anniversary last year. Also, knowing he saw her just before our wedding and the chat they had is making me struggle a lot. I haven't even been able to think about our wedding in the past year with happy memories. I avoid thinking about it. Too painful


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## bornin73guy (Oct 7, 2013)

Well for me, and my wife knows this becuase we have talked about it often it's no big deal. All my other ex's are just that, ex girlfriends where even if I saw them it's no big deal. I'd be very interested in theor lives, kids, hubbys, etc., but zero interest in them. This one particular ex was "the one" if my wife didn't come along. My gut tells me that nothing good can come of it because I would have married her. She was incredible. Soooo, we talk about it often becuase afterall, these ex's are a part of our lives and it's fun for us to chat about. Maybe it's ok because we are very secure in our marriage?? Dunno, all I know is absolutely nothing would come of it, we are several states away, both married with kids and lets not forget the fact that I am sure she hates me for the way it ended. I still think about her and wonder "what if" but know a facebook request does nothing. Do I have feelings for her? Maybe, but those feelings are based on us being together 13 years ago. Harmless what if senerios are OK for me and my wife.

I'll also be the first to admit that even at age 40 I have not evolved enough yet to be friends with ex's. 

So let's play this out. Say I reach out, she accepts the request, we exchange a few emails and eventually I would want to apologize for the past and let her know how much I cared for her. What does that accomplish?? Opens up a huge can of worms. I'm content in my marriage, sexually frustrated yes but not willing to go looking for anything else.

Does that help at all?


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

I found it interesting. Yours is a similar story, but you have gone about it in a different (right?) way. He had never spoken to me about her. We had a good, secure marriage. I would never have dreamed anything like this would ever happen to us. He did apologize to her for treating her like crap and they talked about feelings. The can of worms was opened! I just wish he has your foresight and common sense lol. He did put a stop to it pretty fast, but it would have been easier for it not to have happened in the first place


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## bornin73guy (Oct 7, 2013)

Not sure if age has anything to do with it but my wife and I are 40 and our friends are in that general age range. Nothing is more fun than to sit around with a bunch of friends and tell stories of our youth and growing up. Part of that is our past relationships. Never fails that I'll tell the group that my wife should be very happy to have me as her ex would have her still living at his parents house in the sterotypcial but funny italian relationship, in boxers and a T shirt no less. She always comes back with "well you would be with the other one and your wife and kids would be speaking Italian and I wouldn't be able to understand them." 

Point being is we know about our harmless past yet know my ex was really the one...or damn close! Sure I'd like to reach out....but why, then what?? I've resisted for about 13 years and I'm shooting for another 13. 

The other joke is if my wife leaves me or gets sick I am calling my ex ASAP. LOL. Gotta laugh at life...


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

It is good that you can joke and that it is out in the open. I really wish I had known. I kinda feel like he kept it a secret. It was such a huge shock!


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## bornin73guy (Oct 7, 2013)

One thing is for sure, no one likes surprises, especially that type. Have you talked more about it?


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

We had a chat earlier. He thinks I am just rehashing old stuff we have talked about already. He didn't say much. But he is working night shift this week so he is usually a bit tired and irritable lol. It probably wasn't the best time to talk to him. I just wanted some reassurance from him, which I didn't get.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I have those moments since my marriage fell apart. We've been facebook friends for a few years, but now...well, I have to avoid talking to him much, especially about the divorce.

He is married, and I don't want to hurt another woman like I was. But oh, was he good to me, and I was a stupid teenager who gave him up because we weren't the same religion (even though our views are identical now).


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

onestepatatime said:


> We had a chat earlier. He thinks I am just rehashing old stuff we have talked about already. He didn't say much. But he is working night shift this week so he is usually a bit tired and irritable lol. It probably wasn't the best time to talk to him. I just wanted some reassurance from him, which I didn't get.


This is something that many partners "just dont get". The "rehashing" means you havent got passed the situation yet. Whilst your H feels hes made a good account of himself, and by what you siad you can see some of the positive notes, you still have, for "other reasons" questions about this situation which still make you uncomfortable.

There are many ways to address this. Being open and vocal about why you felt concern is one. YOu have in part told your H how it was for you. He feels hes been open and told you about the situation and tehrefore all is right with the world. Not so. It happened at a time when your were supposed to feel secure and safe in your relationship, you were getting married. Your H has struck up a small but important communication with an Ex who by your account seemed to want your H to keep quite about. That is the issue you have. WHY, What was her motive, where did she see this conversation going. You H did the rigt thing in telling her about you and you about her. The trigger seems to have been the Ex's attitude to keeping this undercover. This may be the thing that your H needs to have in his head. Whilst hes not showing any concern, you are and thats the important factor. Make clear how this communication has triggered unanswerd questions and that it is making you feel unsafe.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

There is some good insight in here. I told him that I don't understand and he has said that he doesn't know how to explain it any more than he has. I feel a little better after talking to him toady. Maybe I needed to just get it off my chest. I think I need to work towards acceptance. I don't even know what I want/need to hear. I just want our boring, but secure life back!


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## Caribvistors (Jan 13, 2013)

My wife had reconnected with her old high school BF after 25+ years through her work. They still "chat" somewhat infrequently on the phone for over 12 years. She tells me when they talk and what is discussed and with the advent of the Smart phones has shown me their text messages. He is divorced twice, while my wife is still married to her first husband. They have met a couple of times for lunch and in their discussions she has learned a lot about his complicated personal life. Makes her realize how fortunate she is.

I met her shortly after their high school relationship fell apart. We have been married many years and our children are now adults and I don't have any concerns about them chatting with each other.

I have never tried to reconnect with my old high school GF, who I ended our relationship after I met my wife. I did unexpectently run into her at a public event and we talked for about 20 minutes about our families and careers, but that was quite a few years ago. Never saw her again, even though I think that she is/was still living in the area.


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