# Nearly 6 months separated/Update



## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

It’s been a while so I thought I’d pop in with an update about myself.

I recently started working in the office for the church I lead worship for. I work 4 days a week from 9-noon and get to take my two two youngest (ages 4 and 3) with me to work. I also moved out of the house Rocket and I had previously lived in together and leased a house in a different neighborhood on my own that is $550 less a month than what I was paying at the other house. It’s plenty spacious for myself and our 6 kids. 

My kids are all doing really well and I’ve worked hard to provide them with stability and joy in the midst of this separation. They are care free and adjusting just fine, although they miss Daddy. I can fully provide for them now all by myself which is a necessity. 

My “come to Jesus” moment was not a fleeting moment by any means. I’ve only drawn closer and closer to the Lord during this time and have worked hard to get well and to recover. I was released by my therapist from IC a month or so ago. By the way, I switched to a female therapist and she did wonders for me. I still communicate via text with her here and there. I still receive pastoral counseling though and am becoming a better me everyday. I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming. I’ve come so far and won’t stop growing, learning and bettering myself for my own self and for the sake of my children.

I have joy now, not just happiness. Happiness is circumstantial. Joy is something you have even in the midst of trials and hard times. It’s a choice. I also have real peace and can now say “it is well with my soul”. My home is peaceful and filled with love. I’ve fallen in love with my children all over again. Before, I was very “Rocket focused” and now my kids get all of my love and attention. They’re pure sunshine in my life. 

Rocket and I don’t communicate often and he recently told me he doesn’t love me. I didn’t like hearing that, of course, but I needed to hear it, in a sense, to begin to detach and move forward. I’m ok though and fully trust God with my life and with the lives of my children. I went through the fire, but I’m determined to come out gold. 

I have a great group of Christian girlfriends now that encourage me and have been just what I needed during this time. I hate what I did and what happened to my marriage and will carry that scar for the rest of my life, but I am grateful for the mercy of God and how He is remaking and remolding me into something of value. 

Hope everyone is doing well!


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I've read bits and pieces of the other post it seems like people came down pretty harsh on you. I really think there's more to the story. Seem like you begged and pleaded too much worst mistake you can make it actually made things worse. I think you can turn it around still. I don't know how much y'all still talk or communicate but I can give ya a card to play with. Stop convicing him that you changed stop!! Just be nice and polite thats it don't be a walking billboard saying hey look at me please take me.back I'm better now. Ok this is the tough part but it's only a bluff. Act like your done!! Consult a lawyer make it out like your the one moving towards divorce. This is only a bluff do this for 5-6 weeks have as little contact as possible, talk only about kids, no discussion of the future, no discussion of the relationahip, don't give in at all wait!! It may take 2,3,4 weeks maybe the 5th week he might slowly change his attitude and show signs of reconciling. You can always have a back up plan if this doesn't occur just delay the divorce to a later date like way later. Also delete this if possible and tell no one.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thanks for your reply. Sadly, it wouldn’t be bluffing. The past few months have been eye opening for me and I can say now and actually believe it, that I am of value and I know my worth. I told him that he can pursue me if he so chooses to make a move towards reconciliation. If there was a “checklist” of sorts of all the things a WS should do or be doing, I’ve hit every mark and then some. It’s ok though. I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me anyway. I can’t make him love me. I can love me though and spend my days bettering myself and being a great mom to my kids. I don’t need him, I just wanted him. But...I don’t want him if he doesn’t want me too.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Was your IC a professionally trained board certified psychiatrist?



> I went through the fire, but I’m determined to come out gold.


This bothers me. You set the fire. This is not owning what you did.

It's good that you are having a resonances in your faith but you need to be healthy enough that when you have some struggles in your faith as we all do, or life just gets busy that you will not fall back into your patterns of using your attractiveness and ease of getting attention for that as a way to cope. 

3 months seems like a really short time for someone who cheated on two husbands. 

I also am going to leave this here for your consideration as you are a pastor in our church being the worship leader.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Yes.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Thanks for the update! I had just been wondering about you guys...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Read my last post again I added more. 

I know I am not very uplifting. Let your girlfriends do that.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Sokillme,
I do not need to go into details about all that has transpired, but apart from the fire I did indeed start, there’s been another fire I’ve had to go through and it’s one of refinement, purification, and a “melting away” of the dross so that I can be made into something valuable. So, that statement had zero to do with not owning my choices. I have owned and still do. 

As far as my church and position goes, my pastor and the church know I was unfaithful to my husband. I confessed it to them publicly and was ready to step down. They showed me Jesus that day in a way I’d never expected. They embraced me, not my sin, but me. They said it took courage and humility to come clean like that and showed them my heart and that is exactly the kind of person they want leading worship. 

None of us are perfect. The church isn’t a museum for the saints, but rather a hospital for the hurting and broken. I’m real. I have nothing to hide. I don’t need to pretend to have it all together like some church leaders do, because I don’t. Just because I have made poor choices doesn’t mean I am no longer allowed to worship God with my music and voice or be allowed to bring others along with me into His presence. I’m forgiven. I’m repentant. I’m new.

ETA: I was not in a ministry position at all during my affairs. This opportunity came to me AFTER the fact. I was not living a sanctified life prior by ANY means. Quite the opposite.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sigh...

It's been 3 months. 

Well it's not my church. This kind of stuff is a reason why I have a hard time going to church though. 

I hope you are healthy I really do, but 3 months of counseling for life long patterns as you have discussed on here before is just not enough time in my mind.

I am glad you are striving to get better anyway.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

I was going weekly and still go to counseling with my Pastor and his wife. The second therapist was so very helpful. Plus, I’ve read so many books and have thrown myself into recovery and into getting healthy. Those that know me are really proud of me. I chose to tackle myself and to find out what was wrong with me and I have dedicated these past 6 months to getting well...spirit, soul and body. 

I don’t blame you for being skeptical. I know not everyone that says they are changing really changes, but I am. I HATE the old me. I HATE what I’ve done. I am living with the consequences of my choices. I created my reality. But, everyday I’m stronger, wiser, more aware, and humbled by the extraordinary grace of God and His hand of favor on my life. I don’t deserve it. Yet, He loves me anyway.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

sokillme said:


> I hope you are healthy I really do, but *3 months of counseling for life long patterns as you have discussed on here before is just not enough time in my mind*.
> I am glad you are striving to get better anyway.


And, any competent therapist would agree.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> I was going weekly and still go to counseling with my Pastor and his wife. The second therapist was so very helpful. Plus, I’ve read so many books and have thrown myself into recovery and into getting healthy. Those that know me are really proud of me. I chose to tackle myself and to find out what was wrong with me and I have dedicated these past 6 months to getting well...spirit, soul and body.
> 
> I don’t blame you for being skeptical. I know not everyone that says they are changing really changes, but I am. I HATE the old me. I HATE what I’ve done. I am living with the consequences of my choices. I created my reality. But, everyday I’m stronger, wiser, more aware, and humbled by the extraordinary grace of God and His hand of favor on my life. I don’t deserve it. Yet, He loves me anyway.


Again creating realities, that's not it. It sounds like magic thinking. You need to establish what your bad patterns are and establish healthy ones. You need to understand why it is you chose to do the things you did. 

OK so why did you cheat on your husband, the first one? Why didn't you just leave? Why did you cheat on the second one?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Sokillme,
> I do not need to go into details about all that has transpired, but apart from the fire I did indeed start, there’s been another fire I’ve had to go through and it’s one of refinement, purification, and a “melting away” of the dross so that I can be made into something valuable. So, that statement had zero to do with not owning my choices. I have owned and still do.
> 
> As far as my church and position goes, my pastor and the church know I was unfaithful to my husband. I confessed it to them publicly and was ready to step down. They showed me Jesus that day in a way I’d never expected. They embraced me, not my sin, but me. They said it took courage and humility to come clean like that and showed them my heart and that is exactly the kind of person they want leading worship.
> ...


*God truly moves in strange and mysterious ways!

Accept His gracious forgiveness and lead others by His example!*


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I understand why the other posters think 3 months is too short to have completely changed. I believe that infidelity is a problem of false security. We’re broken people and having an A is our way of finding that security, our sense of worth. 

Unless you deal with the deeper issues, your changes will only be bandaid surface changes.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Thanks for the update. I am so glad to hear that you have moved on from Rocket. I think that is the best thing for you. I'm glad you posted but I hope you don't get back on that unhealthy train of trying to prove yourself and/or get the approval of some of these TAM posters.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sofa, thanks for the update.
I'm not going to preach to you. This is your journey and you must do what you think is best.

I am glad to hear about the changes, they sound very positive, so keep going.

All the best.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

I am living a fulfilled life now and have zero desire or need for validation from a man. I have found who I am and have made peace with my past. My life is nothing like it’s ever been before and I’m finding that being single and even being a single mom to 6 kids, isn’t the end of the world. In fact, I’ve discovered just how strong I am and what it truly means to trust God. Y’all, I drove the biggest Penske moving truck they have all day on the day of our move and even backed it up into the two driveways. I’m learning “you gotta do what you gotta do”, so stop fearing and just conquer it. I was pretty proud of myself lol. 

I have fully and completely dealt with the deeper issues some have mentioned. I know my why. I know what was wrong with me and why my coping mechanism was a destructive one. The layers of the “onion” have been pulled all the way back and although it was terrifying and uncomfortable to dig into my past and even childhood, it was absolutely necessary. I had not faced my own issues my entire life. I hid from them and then justified them. I take full responsibility for my previous self. I’m not proud of that girl at all, but I have taken those experiences and losses and used them as a springboard for true change. I didn’t even LIKE myself before. I love myself now. 

The consequences of my choices have been more than painful, but I’ve accepted them now and chosen to learn from this and never go back. I am planting good things into my life and tending to what I’ve been given and finding a myriad of reasons to be grateful each day. 

I have a wonderful Godly support team of friends and family, 7 beautiful children the Lord entrusted to me, a great job, a great new home, and a future that looks brighter each day. 

I have offered and asked to “pay penance” to Rocket in several ways, but he has made it clear to me that he is done. I do still love him though and care greatly about his well being.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Welcome back, SS.

For you, all I can stress to you is (as noted to you on many occasions) to focus on the process, and allow the results to take care themselves. It sounds like you are doing that. 

While you are on a good trajectory, I also agree with others that three months is not very long to completely work through those problems. I would listen closely to @turnera about any book recommendations she may have. Think of her as the virtual librarian...who carries a 2x4.

Also, be aware that He is not the only one trying to work in our lives. Guard yourself with solid boundaries...all part of the process. 

Lastly, I am glad you have distanced yourself from Rocket. Until he pulls his head from his fourth point of contact, he is not a healthy person for you to be around. This is a great test for those needed boundaries.

Keep praying, keep working on you. Take care.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> This kind of stuff is a reason why I have a hard time going to church though.


Yeah I have this problem. I'm not religious. Never have been. I wasn't raised like that. However my wife is and would love it if she could convert me. All the logic holes aside, sometimes I think I should just go for it and see what happens. But then I look around at all the holy rollers (including my ex wife) and I see they are in general morally no better than I am and quite often much worse and I think, "why?".


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thank you, Farside. I’m definitely not saying I’ve arrived, but I am certainly far from where I was and that is progress. I won’t stop learning and growing and changing. For the first time, I am enjoying the process and choosing to find the beauty in it along the way. I’ve not lifted any boundaries I’ve put into place and don’t plan on doing so. I’m living in the “now”, living a principled life and a disciplined life and not worrying or focusing on any particular outcome. That’s in God’s hands. He works all things together for good and whatever that is, I’m all for it. He knows best, not me. 

I appreciate your help and advice during this time. Thank you. I don’t want to talk much about Rocket because it’s not my place to do so and isn’t fair to him. He’s on his own journey and is creating his own reality as well. His life and his choices are his business and between him and God. I have to answer for myself and my kids only and focus on that. I do pray for him every day. There is a wonderful man inside of him. I pray he finds that person again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> Yeah I have this problem. I'm not religious. Never have been. I wasn't raised like that. However my wife is and would love it if she could convert me. All the logic holes aside, sometimes I think I should just go for it and see what happens. But then I look around at all the holy rollers (including my ex wife) and I see they are in general morally no better than I am and quite often much worse and I think, "why?".


Having grown up in the church and seeing lots I will tell you it's mostly just show business. I have been around that as well, afterwords. There is very little difference sadly. Once the curtain is pulled back you see, it was actually kind of eye opening. Pastors need good singers/preachers to fill the pews and keep the church running or even worse fill their pockets. Lots of times the singers or musicians are people who were on the periphery of the entertainment industry. Many times they lived lives that would be shocking to most of the people in the pews. Drugs, Sex, the whole nine. Often times just months before becoming worship leaders. What made them qualified was they could sing really good. That's all. Probably what is triggering me about this story actually. Often times the drugs or sex would end up finding it's way into the church and blowing it all up. That happened one time I remember. Besides that there were a number of times where some guy in the ministry used their position to get women to have sex with them. Often married women. The pastor would be married too, but their marriage was basically a front. Happens a lot. 

This is not to say that I don't believe, I do. But church doesn't have a lot to do with that for me. I just know too much about it. Also you must remember most of the time people are in church because they are lost and looking for help. This is one of the only places that would be willing to put up with their BS many times they are really at the end of their rope. People who have it all together generally are not looking for salvation. Even if they are wrong they think they have it all together and don't need help. I should also say there are a whole lot of really good people who are Christians, probably why I never lost my faith. I knew them too. Those people are truly honorable decent folks and would never think of doing some of the crap I have seen. 

Again I would encourage you to just reach out to God if you want to. Church really doesn't have to be a part of that. My Christianity has been great for me in spite of some of the Christians I have known, and because of some others.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Best wishes, Sofa.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Glad to know Rocket made it out alive.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Magnesium,
Just pray for him, please. He's alive, but not doing well. Thank you.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Prayers going out for Sofa and Rocket and their...

CHILDREN.

3 months of Christian counseling wiped the stripes off both your tigers.

Miracle at Mt. Carmel.

You should bottle that elixir.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A few observations. One, you are in a stage of euphoria. A mild stage, but a stage nonetheless. You leapt from the 'fire' into the redemption stage full speed ahead and got a lot out of it, and you are still glowing from the good feelings that brought. 

But it is not sustainable. Especially with 7 kids to raise. And no husband. So I will suggest that you do some long-range deep thinking into more of your 'growth.' 

I see a lot of people who reach their 20s/30s and do what 'they are supposed to do' and then some of those who react badly and cheat because it makes them feel good above the not understanding why they weren't happy, since they were doing what they were supposed to. And then comes the hammer, and they have to embark on yet another path - knowledge, growth, humility, whatever. That's where you are: adjusting to your new life after affair.

And you're doing well, don't get me wrong. But I want to get you to the next phase without falling off the wagon. For you WILL have future trials. As has been said, it's only been a few months, and you had a huge learning curve. 

My suggestion is to now dive into psychology. His Needs Her Needs is a good start, of course, but there are many more books out there that will help you understand why we do what we do. IMO, you're going to need to start learning that stuff, both for your own life and for guidance for your kids. Because there are two kinds of former waywards who raise kids: those who achieve utter humility and those who continue to seek the best position for themselves. IMO, you're not in the latter group, but you're not yet in the former, either. Try Emotional Alchemy first. It's a bit dry, but VERY enlightening and helpful. Another book that helps with the why of it all is Getting The Love You Want, which addresses how you got to the place you ended up in (the first half, anyway). 

And, as said, start working on a long-range plan. It will help you on the down days.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

I've not replied about counseling simply because I don't feel like I should have to defend myself, but to set the record straight so some won't feel like they need to talk about the length of counseling, I was in IC for 4 months solid on a weekly basis. When I switched counselors, I was going TWICE a week. Then she released me from therapy because I was really doing so well. Then, something horrible happened between Rocket and I and I started seeing my IC again to figure out how to break free from Rocket for the health of myself and children. I saw her every other week after that and still communicate with her via text and phone calls when I need advice. She is the real deal. Our insurance was canceled because Rocket was terminated from his job, but I continued to pay my IC cash on a sliding scale fee basis so that I could continue talking to her as needed. 

The pastoral counseling I've been receiving has been constant for close to 6 months. I'm in no way saying I have it all together, because that would be comical. BUT....I have come so far and won't stop growing, learning, and changing. I'm proud of myself. Farside once told me that when I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at me, that I'll know I'm getting better. I can do that now. There's hope all around me and it's not in the form of rocket either lol. I love that man tremendously, but he is not a healthy person for me right now and certainly not my focus.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

turnera said:


> A few observations. One, you are in a stage of euphoria. A mild stage, but a stage nonetheless. You leapt from the 'fire' into the redemption stage full speed ahead and got a lot out of it, and you are still glowing from the good feelings that brought.
> 
> But it is not sustainable. Especially with 7 kids to raise. And no husband. So I will suggest that you do some long-range deep thinking into more of your 'growth.'
> 
> ...


THANK YOU! I will get those books while I'm out today if they have them at B&N. I need some new reading material anyway. Thanks for you observation and insight. I appreciate it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do yourself a favor and wait a long, long time before you ever even consider dating or marrying again. I'm talking years. You have a lot to work on, and I don't think you have even scratched the surface of your issues. 

I hope Rocket can find friends and a church family who will treat him better than he has been treated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> THANK YOU! I will get those books while I'm out today if they have them at B&N. I need some new reading material anyway. Thanks for you observation and insight. I appreciate it.


I suggest you try the library first. No reason wasting money your family needs if you can just borrow the books. And don't forget libraries will ship to each other.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Also, many of these books can be purchased for $2-3 used on eBay.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Just ordered Emotional Alchemy from eBay. $3.99 used copy. Thanks!


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