# Suspected Husband Cheating 9 Months Ago. Is He or Was He Cheating or Am I Paranoid?



## LovelyLostBroken (Jul 26, 2017)

Hello. A little background info on myself, I'm 29 and have been married for 10 years, 11 this coming August. I Have 2 Beautiful Daughters age 8 & 4. I am a stay at home / work from home mom. My husband is in the Army Reserve's and Works as an Emergency Tech for his civilian job. I had suspicions my husband was having an EA with one of his co-workers in the hospital, this was back in November. The co-worker in question (through my investigation) was having problems with her Husband (whom she has 3 boys, 1 newborn boy). I found some flirty inappropriate texts and snaps and to my mistake, confronted him right away about it. Of course he denied everything, said they were just friends and joking around, but then I asked him if I could have his snapchat password and he got very weird about it. So I stopped pressing him about it. I shrugged it off cause something like this had never happened before, and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He did start increasingly being glued to his phone but he never was overly protective over it, he leaves it out in the open. From my point of view our marriage has been good, no significant bad things have happened. He always spends time with me and the kids, and we spend lots of quality alone time together. But I still had this gut feeling something wasn't right about those text's and snaps.

Month's pass and things were still going good, but not totally normal, I started noticing every time my husband would get home he would head straight to the bathroom. Shrugged it off again.. But started suspecting he might be deleting things on his phone.

June - came around and my husband made a mistake of mis-text me saying " Damn so after today I'll see you next Thursday" " Feels like your on maternity leave again". I instantly got mad and texted him back and he said the text was for one of his male coworkers that just came back from "maternity leave" he even screenshot the snapchat conversation to me right away, so idk wtf that was about. I let that go as well cause he had proof, but again it still didn't feel right.


July 4th- We go to my Mothers house to celebrate 4th of July & My youngest daughter's birthday. The following day we planned a little vacation to stay at a Hotel with a pool. We get to my Mothers house and my Husband is glued to his phone and hear it going off with text messages. I catch a glimpse of what's goin on, and see that he was in a group chat with some co-workers and the OW co-worker. Long story short she caught her husband cheating and he had been doing so since "March" and she was announcing to everyone in the group chat the she was now officially Single... and she wanted my husband to know...WHY? I asked him what all the text's were about and he told me he didn't know or care and that he told them to take him out of the group text. Now this totally didn't feel right to me for some reason. But I still didn't have proof of anything. Next day we went to the hotel with our girls for our little vacation and everything was perfect. 

July 8th - My husband has to leave for 20 days for Annual Army Training. The signal out there was bad so communication was kinda hard but he still made every effort to call and text every time he found signal. His text's and call's were unusually sweeter than how he normally is. 10 days into trainining he told me he wanted to look for a new civilian job and was tired of working at the hospital that it wasn't for him anymore. Found it odd a little cause he gets paid pretty well there. 

My gut was still uneasy for some reason and I couldn't help but feel like something was still off. I ended up investigating on my Husbands computer and went through his e-mails. Found a couple snapchat e-mails in the spam folder and they were password and security changes. I don't even know his password but he seemed to have changed it 5x in the last 2 weeks. Idk why someone would need to change it that many times if they weren't hiding something. 

But even while he was away he still kept calling and texting me everytime he could and seemed way sweeter than usual. 

July 24th - Went Snooping again in the e-mail and found 2 Song Titles in Notes: Billy Talent - Fallen Leaves and Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me. Found this very odd because my husband isn't the type of person to post song's period... and the lyrics of the songs are pretty questionable. 




He is actually coming home early and will be coming home tonight. I'm not sure what I should do, am I being paranoid? I couldn't sleep last night thinking about everything. I don't think I have sufficient new proof to confront him but I'm feeling really crazy right now. :crying: Idk what to do?


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

It doesn't add up so you are absolutely correct to be upset.

It's his job to ensure that your marriage is safe and you are protected. He should have pushed for reassignment or a job change after being caught with filthy texts. That's not ok. And if he were a safe spouse he would have your interest and your emotional state in mind. He doesn't. I believe you are justified in being concerned


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I was in a similar situation 2 1/2 years ago. Saw some mildly flirty texts had an uneasy feeling about the coworker....confronted way too early. He also became super sweet. I kept looking for more evidence and found he was deleting texts and call logs from this person. Always had an excuse for it. Other red flags too. Lied about where he was 2x , lied about going to her house several times. I never found anything conclusive. His excuses were always that he lied becasuse I would freak out (true). We went to MC/IC. I became enmeshed in the looking for clues and developed or triggered OCD. So now its even worse because I will never know what was real and what was OCD. 

We are together. He maintains nothing ever happened or will happen. I believe something did happen. I have chosen to continue in the relationship as I had an A 25 years ago. He forgave me for that so I owe him at least that. I VAR'd his car for several weeks. YOu should do that as well. It seems that many people on here get conclusive evidence quite quickly that way. I did not. I also gps'd his phone. If you know his password you can turn on locations and follow him thorough your texts contacts. Look on the gathering evidence thread for more advice and how tos. I didnt find anything conclusie from that either. I did it for about 4 months.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My guess is that yes he did cheat. Whether he still is who knows. You could use the VAR as suggested - that often works. And go into stealth mode for a few months and let him think you've settled down and 'forgotten' about it. He might get cocky and slip up. Or, you could wait a couple weeks and then if nothing else happens sit him down and lay it all out and don't allow him to interrupt and tell him that even though you may never have the evidence your gut is screaming at you and you aren't sure if you can stay with him under those circumstances.


----------



## LovelyLostBroken (Jul 26, 2017)

Thank You for your reply's! I'm not quiet sure I can hold it in much longer, but seeing as I don't have much evidence yet, I am going to try. From the evidence I do have so far though, I feel like maybe he is still too scared to full on have a PA, but it seems like if I wait too long to take action something might happen.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LLB, do not say anything, act normal, you made the mistake of confronting too early (he will go deeper with whatever it is). I know it is hard to act normal, now is the time to start snooping, place VAR in his car, do research on OW via social media, etc.
Keep a journal of everything, dates, times, places, odd events, odd things he says, but do not confront. (A journal can also be a therapeutic way for you to release your frustration but do not let him access it.

How sure are you he went on training? You may eventually need a PI


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't confront him at all you don't have enough evidence yet. Act as normal as possible and don't say anything about it. Look into getting a VAR to put in his car and continue to monitor his computer and phone when you can. There is more than likely something going on and you'll need to keep investigating to find out what.


----------



## LovelyLostBroken (Jul 26, 2017)

aine said:


> LLB, do not say anything, act normal, you made the mistake of confronting too early (he will go deeper with whatever it is). I know it is hard to act normal, now is the time to start snooping, place VAR in his car, do research on OW via social media, etc.
> Keep a journal of everything, dates, times, places, odd events, odd things he says, but do not confront. (A journal can also be a therapeutic way for you to release your frustration but do not let him access it.
> 
> How sure are you he went on training? You may eventually need a PI



@aine I'm 100% Sure he went to training. I have him on a GPS through his iPhone and he sent me pictures throughout the time he was there. His location and everything added up. I've been trying to do research on the OW but all her Social Media pages are mostly private. I have researched OW Husbands facebook page as well and his is not private. OW husband cheated on her and she was playing victim in the group chat that I spoke about in my OP. I'm wondering if OW Husband left her cause he found out she was cheating?? Idk if he will be of any use to me... I am 100% sure though that WH & OW are doing most of their conversing through snapchat and I have no clue how to get what I need from there. I have gone on his phone a couple times and opened snapchat only to find she isn't on his friends list and no messages what so ever from her. I did find her on "Add New Friends From Contacts". I think he might be unfriending her before he comes home.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

If you know her phone number maybe you can spotlight search for that. It may come up under a different name. I've never tried that but it might work 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LovelyLostBroken (Jul 26, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> If you know her phone number maybe you can spotlight search for that. It may come up under a different name. I've never tried that but it might work
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thanks @TheTruthHurts I've tried that already. We have an iPad that's connected to his iCloud and iMessages & I've already caught them texting on there before & that was the mistake I made when I confronted him to early on. So now I know He and OW know not to text anymore and i'm sure are just using snapchat. I still have their old text's though and are keeping them archived.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I wouldn't be surprised if the OW's husband has caught her and your husband. Between the messages about her being single now (sure, she was claiming her husband cheated and it may or may not be true, but also may not be the point), your husband being sweeter, his new desire for a new job, etc. Sounds like he's trying to back track out of the mess he has made. Can you find out who he is?

Whatever you do, do not give away any of your suspicions. I know it is really hard, but whatever you do, go on acting like nothing has changed. Gather evidence - get phone records, VAR his car, scope out who the other spouse is, take screenshots, log everything in a calendar. Just do not give yourself away.


----------



## LovelyLostBroken (Jul 26, 2017)

Magnesium said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if the OW's husband has caught her and your husband. Between the messages about her being single now (sure, she was claiming her husband cheated and it may or may not be true, but also may not be the point), your husband being sweeter, his new desire for a new job, etc. Sounds like he's trying to back track out of the mess he has made. Can you find out who he is?
> 
> Whatever you do, do not give away any of your suspicions. I know it is really hard, but whatever you do, go on acting like nothing has changed. Gather evidence - get phone records, VAR his car, scope out who the other spouse is, take screenshots, log everything in a calendar. Just do not give yourself away.


Thanks @Magnesium. Its seriously eating me up inside right now, but I know I need to stay strong.. To be honest I'm a little scared about doing the VAR. I really need to muster up some courage and do this. I hope I can last and keep my mouth shut and act normal. & Who did you want me find info about? The OW Husband?


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

LovelyLostBroken said:


> Thanks @Magnesium. Its seriously eating me up inside right now, but I know I need to stay strong.. To be honest I'm a little scared about doing the VAR. I really need to muster up some courage and do this. I hope I can last and keep my mouth shut and act normal. & *Who did you want me find info about? The OW Husband*?


Yes. Do not contact him now, but you may want to find out who he is and what avenues are available for making contact with him when the time comes.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

LovelyLostBroken said:


> Thanks @Magnesium. Its seriously eating me up inside right now, but I know I need to stay strong.. To be honest I'm a little scared about doing the VAR. I really need to muster up some courage and do this. I hope I can last and keep my mouth shut and act normal. & Who did you want me find info about? The OW Husband?


As Aine first pointed out, you need to stop confronting too early. If you can't act like everything's fine, proactively tell your husband when he arrives that you're feeling under the weather. I also agree that a VAR will likely be the fastest way to find out if any else is going on.


----------



## LovelyLostBroken (Jul 26, 2017)

Magnesium said:


> Yes. Do not contact him now, but you may want to find out who he is and what avenues are available for making contact with him when the time comes.


Yeah I have all his information already. All of the OW Husbands info was out in the open on Facebook. I have his work number. The thing is I feel like he might be of no use, like maybe he could care less about her now that he has moved on with another woman.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

LovelyLostBroken said:


> Yeah I have all his information already. All of the OW Husbands info was out in the open on Facebook. I have his work number. The thing is I feel like he might be of no use, like maybe he could care less about her now that he has moved on with another woman.


Maybe; maybe not. It may help him in the divorce if she's been cheating (too).


----------

