# I hate him, I resent him, but I also love him ...



## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

I hate him for loving me. I am so confused and clueless, I dont know what to do anymore, and would appreciate all the advice I can get. I want to become the perfect wife, but it kills me to know I threw away all our years, and all that Ive done to him and our relationship. 

I am a mess. I cannot sleep.


He's the only person I have ever completely trusted. I had all guards down with him. He is my world.
I cannot sleep anymore. I am an emotional wreck.

Some days I put everything aside and try to live like I was before. The careless, happy wife. And other days I wake up with a nasty gut feeling that leaves me breathless. Those are the worst of days. I cant bare to look at him. Or even touch him. I dont know how he lives with me. 

We had an argument last night, because of my emotional breakdowns. I cant. So whenever I'm feeling down, or numb, I keep to myself. My mood changes 360 degrees. I go to bed. To be alone. And he hates that I have these "mood swings". He says he's not a wall. That he has feelings too. But I cannot lie, or pretend that my life is a fairytale when deep down inside I am dead. 

I want to love him again. Carelessly. Is that even possible? I want to care for him. I do care for him. But I want to care for him like I used to. And be in love him with him like I was. And love him more than myself, again. But I'm so hesitant. 

Please advice. What should I do? I am so desparate not to lose this marriage.
I dont know if this is just a phase I am going through, as I have never felt this way towards my husband. I dont know if it will only get worst, or with time will it get better? Will this ever get any better? Or am I in for a horrible ride? Will things only get worse?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

amillionpieces85 said:


> Some days I put everything aside and try to live like I was before. The careless, happy wife. And other days I wake up with a nasty gut feeling that leaves me breathless.


Read this again and answer your own question below.


amillionpieces85 said:


> I want to love him again. Carelessly. Is that even possible? I want to care for him. I do care for him. But I want to care for him like I used to. And be in love him with him like I was. And love him more than myself, again. But I'm so hesitant. I hate to be taken for a fool.
> 
> Will this ever get any better? Or am I in for a horrible ride? Will things only get worse?


Given that he doesn't change, you really ought to give up the fantasy of loving carelessly.

Why? Because you have cares!

He has proven himself unworthy of such a privilege.

It is healthier for yourself also to be wiser about the nature of a relationship beyond fairy tale immature ideals.

You don't have to become completely cynical. Just more realistic so you avoid this type of pain.


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